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Deshaun works on the heavy bag in the photo above . It was another quiet day in the gym . Too quiet . I understand that some people can 't make it to the gym every day . Unfortunately , that means I can 't put some of them in boxing matches . I get the feeling some parents / guardians believe their kids should get a shot at competing regardless of how infrequently their kids train . I can 't in good conscious put a kid in a match who is not showing me much when they are in the gym . Not every kid has natural talent . Not every kid has the potential to be the next superstar boxer who sells out stadiums and generate high pay - per - view numbers . Add to that the fact that most of the kids they may face from the other gyms have been training hard and making good use of their gym time . But I 'm not expecting perfection . But I do give points for making an effort and showing motivation . The kids who do that I will support and encourage them to do their best , even if they never bring home a trophy . As far as the adults are concerned , I can 't make them stick to whatever promise they made to themselves to lose weight , get healthy , or learn to compete . It 's a shame that many pay the money , show up once or twice , then disappear . Meanwhile , the gym is open when it is open , and I 'm waiting to coach . The boy in the photo above is Michael . The same Michael who seldom puts his wraps on right , doesn 't want to do a full workout , and whines about sparring because " I don 't want to get knocked out ! " Despite the fact the Michael often works my last nerve , I do like the kid . He surprised me by not showing up with food in his hands . Michael was the only one who showed up for the kids ' class , so he and I sparred . I wasn 't wearing headgear or a mouthpiece , but I 'm glad I took off my glasses . Michael was going for my head a lot . " Go for the body when fighting someone taller , " I told him . A good thing for him , because he got some good body shots in . Rough for me , because I wasn 't ready for some of those body shots . Michael got me in the middle of my belly . " Oof ! " I went . When he actually concentrates on putting muscle behind the punches , Michael can throw some hard ones . " I like sparring with you , Miss Hillari , " Michael said . That 's probably because I wasn 't hitting him hard at all , and I let him get in a lot of shots on me . I have a feeling that I will be sparring with him often . But if that will get him used to the ring , and perhaps stop the running out of the ring when Michael is in there with the other kids , then I 'll keep sparring with him . Benjamin , in the photo above , was the only one who showed up for the teen class . I told him about the City - Wide Tournament that is approaching . " I don 't think I 'm ready for that , " was Benjamin 's stock answer . " You 've got two months to prepare for it , " I pointed out . " Well , maybe I will be ready for it , " he said . I hope so . I 'd like to have at least one person competing in that . Bennie and Angela were the only two who showed up for the adult class . Bennie has been there for a little while , but Angela is new . Bennie is coming along ; his punches are good , and his footwork is getting better . Angela is a bubbly person who always wanted to box , but her dad wouldn 't let her because of her gender . Now that she 's an adult , she wants to be involved in the sport . In many ways , the adults are more of a challenge than the youths . Some of them , like Bennie , are thinking about competing , while others like Angela , just want to get in shape . So I have to do my research and put my thinking cap on in order to help them reach their individual goals . Posted by Michael pushed my patience to the max at LaFollette . As usual , Michael walked into the gym with food in his hand ( a fudge bar ) . TJ and Earl were looking to spar with someone . TJ and Earl had done their warm up and were doing shadow boxing while Michael finished eating , then Michael took too long to wrap his hands . I put Michael and TJ together to spar , but Michael refused . He sat down in a chair , with his gloves , headgear and mouthpiece in , and refused to move . When I pressed the issue , knowing that his mom and grandfather want him to learn how to fight , Michael began to whine , " I don 't want to get knocked out ! " After more snapping from me , and encouragement from Jaylin , Michael slowly made it into the ring . It wasn 't long after the bell rang that Michael rolled out under the bottom rope , refusing to answer TJ 's punches . I ordered the boy to get back into the ring . There was another long pause before that happened . TJ barely tapped him , but Michael did a dramatic fall to the ground . " Boy , he didn 't hit you THAT hard , " I said . Michael sat on the canvas and refused to move . I gave him two choices : either finish the round or leave the gym . Michael opted for the latter . TJ was disappointed , but I put Jaylin in with him . Later , during the teen class , Michael returned to the gym with his mom . I explained to her what happened . She was not happy with her son . " We try to teach him to fight at home , but it 's not working , " his mom told me . Michael tried that same whining with her that he 'd done with me , but she wasn 't hearing it . She told her son to behave and pay attention when he 's in the gym . I felt good that I had back up from his parent . Ben Jr . returned to the gym . He and Derrick Jr . did " shadow sparring " where they move around in the ring , throw punches , but don 't actually hit each other . Ben Jr . and his family won 't be around much longer . They 're planning to move to the suburbs in a few weeks . " I still want to come back around and see Miss Hillari , " Ben Jr said . That made me feel good . Posted by Rachelle asked me about dealing with glasses and boxing while I was at Loyola Park last night . " I just take them off and put them to the side . I can see well enough without them to see a punch coming in , " I said . Some will fight with contacts in , but I 've seen too many people lose those during sparring to take a chance on doing that . Vachel came back to the gym . I broke the sad news to her that Colonel passed on . She didn 't remember who he was at first . " Remember the guy you used to joke with about playing ' fishing music ' every time he played his old music in the gym ? " I asked . " Oh , no ! Not him ! Wow , cancer just keeps taking people out , " she said . I sparred with Kathy , and no , I still didn 't do a good job of getting around her long arms . I was able to get in some straight rights to her middle and right hooks to her sides , but that 's all . Most of the time , I missed trying to get those shots in . Kira did better when she sparred with Kathy , because she kept up better with hunting her around the ring than I could . Alan showed me some old newspaper clippings and photos that an old college girlfriend of his sent to him . The materials were all about his time boxing while he was in school forty years ago . " Look at me with that mustache , " he laughed . " Yeah , the 70 's porn mustache , " I laughed . I finally got a look at what his coach back then looked like . The coach was a middle - aged African - American man . " That guy was like a second father to me , " Alan said . Alan gave me the box of LaFollette Park boxing T - shirts that I couldn 't easily take home the day of the boxing coaches ' meeting . They are nice shirts . Coach James at LaFollette will probably say again , " Hey , those shirts are the wrong color . They should be blue like the football team 's color . " I have no say - so about how the shirts will look , but I 'm liking the bright red color and the boxing logo on the front . I 'll have to take a few of them at a time to work , but all of them will be in the storage room by the time the Golden Gloves start in March . I thought it was going to be a long , quiet day in the gym . But Deja and Terry showed up for the kids ' class . I thought it was amusing that Deja was undoing her hair . She wears braids , and she wanted to wash her hair and have them redone . Every few minutes , I saw her taking another braid out . She and Terry sparred . Terry is getting a little better each time . I have to keep reminding him to take off his glasses before sparring , however . Deja and Terry have to learn to take advantage of their opportunities and not wait on the other person to punch first . Janae , who hasn 't been in the program for a couple of sessions returned for the teen class , and she brought her brother , Montrell , with her . Montrell was very eager to learn , and he sparred with his older sister . I usually don 't like letting people spar their first day in the gym , but I figured Montrell wasn 't going to hurt her badly , and he didn 't . But Janae remembered the lessons she had the last time . She clocked her brother solidly a coupled of times . No adults came in , but it looks like the adult class has been given a green light to continue to run for the spring session . A good amount of participants in the class during this session was enough to try it again for the spring . Luckily , I found out that two of the heavy bags in the storage room did come with chains attached . I 'll ask one of the attendants to help me hang it up next week , then there will be five heavy bags up , plus the three speed bags that are already hanging . Now I need some heavy rope so I can hang up the double end bag , and I should have enough equipment for people to work with for awhile . Posted by Because everyone at the field house is not there at the same time , staff meetings are held at odd times . A meeting took place in the middle of the eight - to - 12 year olds ' boxing class . I hoped it would only run a few moments . It ended up running until that class ended . Before I went to the meeting , however , I had to once again contend with Michael about putting on the hand wraps . Michael just about had one wrap almost all the way on when the whining started . " I can 't do this , " he kept saying . Michael refusal to focus and a tendency to want to be babied all the time was not something I was going to put up with yesterday . Jaydon returned to class , which I was relieved about . After that hit he took during sparring last Friday , I thought he would not attend class again . The only other kid who showed up was Jaylin . I had to leave them to their own devices when I went to the meeting . The meeting cut into part of the teen class as well . Meranda and her mother had just walked in . I told them I would be back soon , but I ended up being gone another half - hour . When I came back , Meranda was sitting next to her mother watching something on her mom 's cell phone apparently for that entire half - hour . She hadn 't even put her hand wraps on . When she finally did that , Meranda kept doing only the left jab and the straight right on the equipment , and not putting her punches all the way out . " Meranda , you have to practice all of the punches , plus move around and stay on your toes , " I said . But Meranda continued not to show much motivation . She was the only teen who showed up for class . I asked her mother once again about Laquan 's ( Meranda 's cousin ) whereabouts . " Oh , he 's been having a lot of basketball games , " she said . " I can 't put Laquan in any boxing matches if he 's not here training consistently , " I said flatly . Meranda 's mother looked concerned , but I can 't afford to take risks by pushing kids into fights for which they are not ready . I 'm not going to keep worrying about Laquan , Charles , or Elijah as all of them have the same excuse for not training in the gym . I was happy to see Jessie and Yami show up for the adult class based on how unproductive the teen class was . Both Jessie and Yami have pretty good form . But Jessie gave me a bit of a scare yesterday . " He didn 't tell you what happened ? " Yami asked me . By that time , Jessie 's dad and little brother had walked into the gym . Jessie 's dad look concerned about his son moving around . Jessie had injured a muscle in his leg . He told me the doctor said it was okay to work out , but I told Jessie if his leg is bothering him , he should take it very easy . I worked on the punch mitts with Yami , but Jessie couldn 't do it because his leg started giving him trouble . Both Yami and Jessie were tired out , so they left early . I have three boxing competitions to worry about : the Golden Gloves ( which any of the adult participants can register for ) , the City - Wide Boxing Tournament ( that takes place in April ) , and the park district boxing shows ( which start in mid - summer ) . I understand I have to keep up with administrative issues because I work in a municipal / public gym . But getting people ready for those competitions is more of a concern to me right now . Only Earl , Jaylin , and TJ showed up for the kids ' class today . Earl kept whining because he didn 't want to spar with TJ . Jaylin had already said he didn 't want to spar , and I wasn 't going to spar with anyone . Finally I told Earl that he wasn 't going to be able to pick and choose opponents in the event that he has a regular match . Earl and TJ went around for two rounds without either of them suffering any major damage . The teen and adult classes were canceled out because I had to go to a boxing coaches ' meeting . When I think that I 'm the only one having to deal with certain issues at the gym , it 's nice to know that the other coaches have encountered those issues at well . We help each other with suggestions as to how to handle those issues as they come up . The parents as volunteers issue has always concerned me . I appreciate the help , but they aren 't official park district volunteers . I let it go when the parents were helping their own kids , but that can 't happen anymore . Sometimes that turns into the parents helping other people 's kids . . . . other parents might have an issue with someone around their kid other than the coach . So I have to figure out a way to diplomatically request that parents stand aside and let the coach run the gym . If the parents don 't want to follow the rule , the only option they have is to leave the gym - - and perhaps take their children with them . Actual park district volunteers can no longer run the gym when the coach is out . Tommy , the head of the park district 's boxing program , told us , " When you 're not there , the gym is closed . " I used to open up Loyola Park gym when Steve was absent , and later on , for Alan . In some ways that is good . If something went wrong while the volunteer was in charge , the coach would also get blamed regardless of the fact they weren 't there . But on the other side , if the coach has to be off for whatever reason , the participants miss out on training because the volunteer can 't run the gym in the coach 's place . Tommy gave all of the coaches boxes of T - shirts to give out to the boxing participants . Thankfully , Alan kept my box in his car for me so I could pick it up from him next week . Otherwise , I would have had to drag it home on the train . I still have T - shirts from last year . Not every participant received one ; too few people showing up at the gym on a regular basis , and fewer than that actually competing . This year , I might be able to give more of the T - shirts out . Posted by Jaydon ( in the red shirt ) faces Earl during a sparring session , and it was not pretty . Earl pleaded with me to not put him in with TJ ( whom I mistakenly kept referring to as Tyrone ) because he didn 't want to take another shot to the nose . I figured he would have an easier time with Jaydon , but it was a little too easy . Jaydon kept dropping his hands , turning his head , and generally not defending himself . Earl took advantage and kept socking Jaydon . After Jaydon took a shot to the face , it was over . Jaydon started crying , and I stopped the sparring . I had to move on to the next sparring session quickly , so I didn 't get a chance to talk to Jaydon about what happened and how we could fix it . Terry didn 't fare much better with TJ . Terry was doing the same thing as Jaydon was , including throwing both of his fists out at once . " One punch at a time ! Use the other hand to protect your face ! " I admonished . Terry kept turning his back on TJ . " Stop , stop doing that ! Stop that habit ! " I snapped . Finally , after taking too many shots , Terry got a little angry . I could see it in his face when he caught TJ in the ribs with a left hook . " Good ! Keep doing that ! " I said . I put Deja in with Michael , but that didn 't last long . Michael started off the first round crouching down too low . " She 's taller than you , Michael . Don 't do that , " I told him . Deja was focused , measuring out the distances , and getting a lot of hits on Michael . Michael kept covering up and backing into corners . Michael was throwing wild punches , none of which reached Deja because she was always out of range . Michael tried to run out of the ring but got caught up in the ropes . Michael 's mom wasn 't having it . " Boy , get up and fight ! " she said . The second round barely started before Deja got the best of him again . Michael rolled out of the ring under the ropes . " Get back in ! " his mom said , but Michael shook his head . That time , Michael 's grandfather voiced his opinion . " The next time he spars , put him in with that girl . I ain 't going for that boy playin ' . Let that girl beat Michael if he doesn 't fight back . That boy ain 't gonna be embarrassing me . I 'm serious ! " he told me . Derrick Jr . returned to the gym , but didn 't stay for the teen class that he 's in . But he was a great help to me in getting the equipment ready and helping the younger kids with their hand wraps . As a favor to me , Derrick ( on the right in the photo above ) agreed to spar with Jaylin . Jaylin is in sixth grade and a little too tall for most of the other kids in the class . Jaylin always seems to do well when his dad is helping out with his training . But Derrick Jr . proved to be too slick and fast for him . Jaylin was hardly throwing punches at all , continually backing away and running from Derrick Jr . Jaylin 's dad was none too happy with his son 's performance , and he kept urging his son to get into the mix . Derrick Jr . 's punches made a mess out of Jaylin 's face . " Take it easy , Derrick ! " I said , but Jaylin 's dad didn 't want to hear it . " No , let them go . It 's good for Jaylin ! " he said . I wasn 't about to let Jaylin get knocked out , however , no matter how much his father wanted him to keep pushing . Several of the kids , Michael , in particular , kept going on about how Jaylin was bleeding . " We see it ! " I snapped , as I tried to keep focused on the action in the ring in order to keep further damage from happening . They did a total of three rounds . Then Michael 's mother started talking about how her son needs to learn how to fight . She told me about a couple of bullying incidents where some kids at school hit her son , but her son did not retaliate . I could agree with her to an extent . But sometimes I wonder if it 's a good idea to always expect kids to fight back with exploring other alternatives with them . My mother always told my younger siblings and I to " hit hard enough so they don 't do whatever it was they did again " . But Ma often failed to tell us that sometimes , people have to pick their battles , and putting hands on every and anyone is not always the answer . Deja and I had the last sparring session of the day , since her and Michael 's time was cut short . I told her to go in on me a little bit , and she did . She 's getting more comfortable in the ring . Now I have to work on Michael , Jaylin , and Terry becoming more comfortable in there . Posted by Now I have eight people in the adult boxing class . Steve , the park supervisor , said , " We might have to add the adult class back onto the spring schedule . " I hope so , just as much as I hope those who are in it now continue on . Benny , Darryl , and Dominick are three new guys in the class . All three told me they wanted to get in shape and have something to occupy their time . All are in their twenties . As I faced them as I was holding the punch mitts for them , I had an Ann Wolfe moment . She is a former professional boxer who is now a trainer , and she was training James Kirkland . When those guys , three young bulls , were attacking the mitts , I felt like I was at the beginning of training some guys who will do well . The adult class was busy when Kier , one of the kids who plays football and basketball , sauntered into the gym . Kier has an annoying habit of touching everything in any room that he 's in . He was fiddling around with the equipment on the table , while going on about the basketball game , and anything else that popped into his mind . I was giving him " uh - huh " and " hmm " , hoping that the kid would take the hint and leave . He didn 't notice my lack of responsiveness . I was keeping my eye on the adults and stepping in whenever I saw they needed help . I told him it was the adults ' time in the gym . Yet he still asked me , " Are they all adults ? " I refrained from rolling my eyes . " Kier , you can 't be in here because this is the adult class . They paid to workout in here , " I told him . Thankfully , the kid left without any further conversation or whining . The time that the teen class takes place looks like it 's going to be an extended break time for me in - between the kids ' and the adults ' class . No sign of Merinda , Jaquan , Kody , or Derrick Jr . It bothers me when some of the teens ' parents ask me , " How is my kid doing in here ? " and I can 't give them an answer because I haven 't seen them . Even more of a concern is the probability that the teens may be telling their parents , " Yeah , I 'm going to the gym , " but they are actually elsewhere , and the parents don 't know that . What Ice Cube Said In That Song I fixed the snafu involving one of the kids who did not appear on my attendance sheet . Another staff member , I don 't know who , filled out a paper form when the parent came in and did not transfer the information to the computer system . I had already told the parent that their child was welcome to continue in the class regardless , but luckily , we both found out that they were actually registered . It was another busy day with eight of the thirteen kids who are in the eight - to - twelve year olds ' class . Another new kid , Jaydon , came in . " I want to spar with Terry on Friday . We go to the same school , and we 're both in third grade , " he told me . Terry is a little skinny guy . Jaydon is heavy - set . I will have to monitor that sparring session very , very carefully . Michael was playing around a little too much , consistently teasing Deja . Deja asked me , " Can I spar with Michael on Friday ? " " Yes ! " I answered enthusiastically . I had all of the kids working on footwork . I put the cones on the floor , and one of the boys commented , " This is the same thing we do when we play football ! " The kids really seemed to like skipping and jumping over the cones , so I 'll find time for them to do that in each class . None of the teens came in , so I had some time to do some paperwork . Jesse signed up for the adult class today and came back in with his dad . Jesse 's dad used to box , so he was also giving tips to his son . A young woman , Yami , came in , and at first I thought she just wanted to ask questions about the class . Actually , she also had signed up . That brings the grand total of the adults in the class to seven , the largest amount of adults I 've had since that class was added . Both Jesse and Yami are eighteen years old . Jesse 's nine year old brother , Rafael , came in to watch . Ah , Michael . . . . such a likable kid , but it seems he wants attention all the time . I wondered if Michael was an only child , but I remember him telling me that he does have at least one sibling who is younger than he . We went through the usual back and forth about his hand wraps , which the boy still can 't seem to to learn how to use . Every time the wraps came loose , Michael was next to me , pestering me to fix them . He was also asking me a thousand and one questions while I was trying to concentrate on the kids who were sparring . Michael scooted out of the gym as soon as he learned the game room was open . A check of the attendance lists shows that I have thirteen kids in the eight - to - twelve year olds ' class . That 's too many , in light of the fact that the park district has said that none of the classes may have more participants than is stated . I suspect that other staff at the field house signed up those extra kids and just overrode the class limit on the computer system . I also believe that one of the kids is not actually signed up as their parent told me . I re - printed the attendance list for that class a second time to better reflect who is in the class . That kid 's name didn 't show up . That is now a sticky situation for me . I don 't want to create conflict with the parent . I may have to let that kid in to ease the situation . Dan Jr . 's father showed up to ask if there was any way I could fit his son in the class . One of the staff gave me the impression that he had shown up a few days ago to attempt to register . I asked the staff member to let the dad know the class was full . I had extensive conversations with Dan Sr . before about registration times and the importance of signing up Dan Jr . as soon as possible . People are busy - - I get that . But I don 't understand what parents don 't understand about deadlines . I also don 't understand what some parents don 't get about making sure their kids are in class on time . Tardiness throws off the schedule , especially on the days when sparring takes place . There has to be enough time to warm up and shadowbox beforehand . Both Earl and Tyrone were late , so all they had time to do was a quick warm up . Tyrone proved to be a scrapper when he was sparring with Earl . I would have let them go three rounds , but Earl would not come out the corner when the bell rang . His parents and I kept asking him what was wrong . Earl kept shaking his head . Finally , he spoke up and let us know that his nose was hurting . Tyrone had caught him in the face . There was no bleeding , fortunately , but Earl was down about having taken the shot . Earl was done for that day . He put his coat on and sat in a chair until class was over . Now I have five adults in the adult boxing class , but only one , Bridgette , showed up to train . She had been missing most of last week ; work was to blame . Marisha hasn 't been coming because of work , either . I see where Dan ( another Dan ) signed up again , but it 's doubtful that he 's going to participate this session , either . A pair of brothers signed up , too , but they didn 't make it in . Another person , Benny , told me he was going to sign up . Then there 's Kody . His mom knows the eight - to - twelve class is full , so there 's no room for her son . Kody , like Michael , is another likable kid who just won 't do what they are supposed to do when they are in the gym . I had communicated that to Kody 's dad some time ago . However , it looks like both parents still want him in the class . Kody will not be thirteen until the summer . His mom explained again that Kody doesn 't get out of school until later , so he would not be able to be on time to the earlier class anyway . I proposed that she enroll him in the teen class . If there is a problem , I can override the system to put him in . However , I continue to have concerns about Kody playing around and interfering with the other teens who actually do train when they are there . Kody has not indicated that he wants to compete . Fine , but I don 't want the other teens being distracted from their goals of winning fights . Found out yesterday that my flyer for the boxing class is finally done . I put in the request back in the middle of November , and the winter class has already started . Steve has to make copies , however , because whoever made the flyer didn 't do so . They just emailed him the finished product . Sigh . . . it doesn 't take much for me to become irritated . Posted by I was surprised to see snow coming down when I left my apartment for the gym . All day long , I stayed inside , throwing out old clothes and books . Neither the radio nor the television was on , so I didn 't hear the weather reports . The snow did not keep most people away from Loyola Park , however . Leon sparred with Robert . " Leon could head hunt all day with no problem , " I thought as I watched them . Leon is taller and bigger than anyone else . Alan warned Leon to keep his punches above the belt when a few of the punches came in too low . Robert stayed in for the three rounds , but he was struggling . " That is tiring ! " Robert said afterwards . David sparred with another new guy in the gym , and moved around well . Alan commented , " For someone who hasn 't boxed in about seven years , he has good hands . " I sparred with both Kathy and Kira . The two women presented two different challenges to me - - getting around Kathy 's long arms , and avoiding Kira 's heavy hands . Kathy was moving fast around the ring , so I had hustle my bones to keep up with her . Kira is heavier ( not fat , however ) than both Kathy and I . Alan initially didn 't want to put me in with her because of my movement limitations . Like Kathy , he advised me not to trade punches with her . So I took my time , and came in under her straight punches to attack her middle . I also spent time involved me helping people use the equipment . I work five days at LaFollette , but I also help out at Loyola Park when I 'm there , so in reality , I coach six days a week . But I enjoy it so much . I could be in a gym seven days a week , but everybody needs a Sabbath day of rest . In other news , I was very pleased last night to see Sylvester Stallone win a Golden Globe for his acting in the movie Creed . He received a standing ovation when he got up to get the award . " My imaginary friend , Rocky Balboa , is the best friend I 've ever had , " Stallone said . A lot of real life boxers view the Rocky character as a boxing icon , and give Stallone respect as if he was a real boxing champ . Stallone was good in that movie . He deserved the honor . Posted by In the photo above , Tyrone and Earl work with weights at LaFollette Park . I have begun to re - enforce the rule that no one can spar if they don 't have their mouth pieces with them . Unfortunately , Deja and her brother Terry forgot theirs , so they couldn 't spar . Michael kept bugging me about wanting to spar with Jaylin , who is way too tall and big for him . I ended up sparring with Michael , who kept head - hunting and relying too much on his right hook . Michael was giggling a lot and turning his back on me as well . We have to work on changing those habits . I sparred with Jaylin at the suggestion of his dad . I had to watch out . Jaylin is about 12 years old , but he 's taller than me , and his punches are heavy . I got caught in the ribs many times . I appreciate that his dad works with him while his son is in the gym . Dan Jr . missed out on signing up for the kids ' class , which is now full . I told that boy to make sure to tell his dad to get to the field house ASAP to sign him up . Either Dan Jr . didn 't tell his dad in enough time , or dad drug his feet , thinking he had a lot of time . Deshaun 's mom forgot to sign her nephew up as well . The kids ' class has consistently been the most popular of the three classes I coach . I keep telling the parents and guardians in so many words , if they snooze , they lose . I 've also changed how I coach the kids to an extent . Now , all the new kids who come in get taught a couple of punches each day . I had a habit of showing them all the punches in one day . Many of the kids would begin showing up sporadically to class from day one . I figured if I didn 't at least teach all of the punches at one time , the kids would have problems catching up later on . But I can 't rush through techniques just because some kids don 't show up regularly to the gym . A few kids kept asking me where this kid or that kid was . " I don 't know why they aren 't here . I 'm not going to call any one 's house to find out where they are . I figure if they signed up , they really wanted to be here , " I replied . I said that last bit especially for the parents who were in the room . Some of them are responsible for bringing their kids in because the kids can 't get there on their own ( or the parents don 't want them going there on their own ) . I want to make it clear if their kid doesn 't train on a regular basis , I 'm not about to put them in a real match with someone else who takes training seriously . 1 . I used to allow extra kids into the youth boxing classes , especially during the summer , even if the classes were already full . Praise God that the Chicago Park District sent the word out that instructors and recreation leaders can no longer do that . No matter how much parents beg to put their kid in , I will not bend to pressure . If that doesn 't force most parents to keep up with when registration begins , I can 't help them . 2 . I 'm going to continue to measure out whom I 'm giving my attention to in the gym . I will bend over backwards to help those who really and truly want to be there . But those who keep playing around , whose attendance is scattered for no good reason , who aren 't self - motivated , etc . , I 'm not going to put all my energy into trying to keep them focused . Either they want to be there , or they don 't . 3 . I 'm not going to make myself crazy by believing that every one who talks about signing up for the gym actually will do that . Some of the kids have annoyed me with that because they never tell their parents - - whom I must have permission from - - that they want to be in the class . But they keep whining to me about putting them in . Many adults talk themselves out of the class with the same breath they 've told me that they want in . " I don 't know if I can make that time , " is one of the many excuses I keep hearing . When they actually sign up , then I will take them seriously . 4 . I will continue to put the hammer down on those who aren 't in the class , but want to goof around with the equipment . It took awhile , but fortunately , I have managed to train some not to do that . Coach James , whose equipment storage area is also located in the boxing gym , has helped me with that as well . But there 's always someone who didn 't get the memo , and I will have to check them . 5 . I 'm not dealing with those who have problems with a woman being a boxing coach . The other twenty boxing gyms in the Chicago Park District system are run by men . The majority of the private boxing gyms are run by men . People are free to go to another gym if a ) they believe I 'm not qualified , and b ) people have issues about taking orders from a woman . 6 . I 'm going to keep training myself , because I need to keep improving my skills in order to teach them to others . I also need to get my health in order . There was an episode of " Good Times " where JJ was really getting on the nerves of his dad , James . James told his son , " Boy , you are some worrisome ! " I was thinking that while dealing with Michael in the gym today . Michael came in , hopped up to me , and announced , " I 'm late ! " He proceeded to spend most of the class fooling around with his hand wraps . Several times , Michael kept whining , " I can 't . . . . I don 't know how to do this ! " " Michael , I 've already showed you how to do that many times . I am not going to wrap your hands every time you come in here . You have to learn how to do that yourself ! " I said as evenly as I could . Yelling and snapping doesn 't work with a lot of kids , something I 've had to learn the hard way . I also had to remember how I didn 't appreciate either of my parents doing that to me . However , even after both Devian and David attempted to show him how to wrap his hands , Michael didn 't wasn 't getting the concept . Michael kept wrapping his arms instead of wrapping his wrists , wrapping his thumb too many times , etc . " This is your wrist , Michael , " I said in exasperation , as I pointed to it . " Don 't they teach parts of the body in school anymore ? " " No ! That 's why I don 't know , " he answered . I shook my head to myself , took a deep breath , and patiently showed him again . Michael still didn 't get it right . I had forgotten that David takes swimming class once a week , which is why he wasn 't in the gym yesterday . I was glad to see him . I was glad to see Dan Jr . , too , but unfortunately , his dad neglected to sign him up for the winter session . I told Dan Jr . to make sure his dad signs him up as soon as possible . Then Kody strolled into the teen class later . " Miss Hillari , I have a question . Can I still sign up for class ? " he asked . " I need your parents ' permission . Ask them to call me or have one of them come here to sign you up , " I told him . Maybe that won 't happen , especially after his dad learned how Kody plays in the gym instead of training . Only Meranda showed up for the teen class . No sign of her cousin Jaquan nor Derrick Jr . Her mom asked if she could work out with her daughter due to her own scheduling issues . Park district won 't allow that , so her mom has to figure out what days she can attend the adult boxing class . No one showed up for the adult class . But just as I figured , now that the class is not on the schedule for the spring , I 'm receiving a lot of inquiries about signing up for the winter class . I 've been telling everyone , " Sign up now , because if it looks like no one is interested , the park district will discontinue the class . " I really want to save that class , but if the adults keep promising to sign up , but not following up on those promises , there 's not much I 'm going to be able to do . Don 't get me wrong . I like Michael , one of the new kids in the gym . He signed up early , and I allowed him to start training during the break period between the fall and winter sessions . But does that boy love to run his mouth . Plus , Michael doesn 't listen . When it comes to putting on the hand wraps , Michael seems to think I 'm going to put them on him every time he shows up . My patience was being tried when he kept saying , " I don 't know how to do this , " even though I gave very clear instructions about how to use the wraps . Michael also jetted out of the gym early to go hang out in the game room , which is down the hall . Outside of Michael , Devian and two new kids , Deja and Terry , showed up for the eight - to - twelve year olds ' class . I was disappointed when David didn 't show up . I 'm hoping he comes in soon . That class only has one slot left open before it is full . I 'm already worried about Jaquan , who along with his cousin Meranda , signed up for the teen boxing class . His aunt Marisha said something about him also playing football as well . Coach James had suggested that he also participate in another sport in addition to boxing . If that happens , that 'll yet be another kid who won 't be showing up consistently in order to learn boxing skills . As I held pads for them , I noticed that Meranda had more pepper on her punches than Jaquan did . We 'll see how long the interest lasts for the both of them . There 's only three teens in that class so far ; Derrick Jr . didn 't come in yesterday . I 'm hoping he can convince his cousin Kishaun to return as well . Surprisingly , the adult class showed some signs of life . There 's only two signed up - - Jaquan 's aunt and Bridgette . Bridgette was the only person who showed for that class , and she really liked it . I was impressed when she told me she had lost 80 pounds doing other exercise program . " I still have more to go , and I need someone who 's going to show me what to do , " she told me . The adult class is still on hiatus for the upcoming spring session due to lack of a high number of participants . Maybe if I can re - position it as an aerobic boxing class , more people might register . That may not go over so well with some adults who may be considering competing . It would attract other adults who don 't want to spar and just want to get in shape . I 've been slacking off on exercise these past two weeks , so I plan to work out with the adult class to get back on track . Whatever I 'm telling them to do , I need to do myself . That also may encourage others to stay in the class as well as encourage their friends and relatives to sign up . Posted by In the above photo , Alan stands in the middle of the ring at Loyola Park with the new people who signed up for boxing . This week begins the winter session at the Chicago Park District . Alan , David , and Connor were already in the gym when I arrived . A couple of new people showed up , and I thought , " Wow , that 's all ? " " Alan , what do you need me to do to help ? " I asked . " It depends on how many people come in , " he answered . Then a whole lot of people started streaming in . Of the people who came in , there were two who hadn 't been in the gym for awhile : Deb and St . Louis . In fact , I had seen St . Louis at Colonel 's funeral , and initially didn 't recognize him there . I got in some licks on the heavy bag before Alan turned the newbies loose on the equipment . After that , I alternated between answering questions from the new people and helping the guys who sparred get suited up . One of the new guys decided he wanted to spar his first day there . Alan allowed him to get into the ring with Connor . Another new guy , a second guy in the place named David , also sparred . I learned that David was Alan 's third cousin . Rochelle , another new person , wanted to see some women 's boxing matches . " Where can I go to see them ? " she asked . " It 's hard to find them , because women fighters are not often featured in boxing shows , not even on the under cards , " I explained . But I did tell her about the Chicago Park District boxing shows , and the private boxing shows . I also directed her to places on the Internet to get notices about upcoming fights in the area . Next time I see her , I 'll remember to tell her about the matches she can see on YouTube . St . Louis wanted me to throw punches at him while he practiced defense . We were in the ring for two rounds . I had to push myself to keep up with him because he was really moving around . Tomorrow , I will face my own set of newbies at LaFollette . I hope them and the returning kids all show up so we can get things started off right . Posted by |
Much to my surprise , I find myself awake in the wee hours of the morning and not at all sound asleep in bed . It is not a disaster , because I had emails to answer , so I 've spent my time usefully and enjoyably with a cup of coffee . I had hoped to sleep longer , but after I had gone to the toilet , my head decided it wanted to stay up and do exciting things . My body agreed . You see how they are autonomic entities that function independently of me , as if they have their own will . Where do I come into the picture ? Assuming I was doing Tyke a favor , I put Jesker 's old pillow underneath my desk , where Tyke often sleeps , but he would have none of it and rejected it completely . He was waiting for me to take it away before he would lie down there . So I took it away and put it down on the floor against the wall behind me , and now Tyke is lying underneath the desk on top of my feet . I really don 't think he likes that pillow and I wonder if I have to buy a new one . Tyke is always lying on the bare floor , even though he can lie on the sofa or on my bed . He does that occasionally , but always gravitates back to the floor . As long as he is close to me , he doesn 't mind . My friend Gail sent me the book of the famous Horse Whisperer and I 'm going to be real smart about dog training now . His name is Ceasar Millan and he does that well known show on TV that we even get in the Netherlands . My sister swears by it and watches every episode . She 's just recently brought it to my attention and then I got that book from Gail , so it was a nice coincidence . Tyke won 't know what hit him . It was meant to be . It has stopped raining since yesterday evening and the sun was even shining at the end of the day . It may rain a little more in the beginning of the week , but after that the weather is supposed to improve and we can expect temperatures into the 20 's . Celsius that is . I don 't know about that rain . Maybe the weather forecasters will get that wrong and we will get none . Very often we end up not getting any when some was predicted . We are just south Posted by It rained yesterday in the evening and during the night . It was very pleasant to lie in bed and hear the rain come down on the patio through the opened window . That 's how I fell asleep . To that sound . Today it is an overcast day and cool , but I still have the windows open at the top , because inside it isn 't cold . I 'm wearing my boots and leggings and an extra top . I have a scarf around my neck for warmth . The draft that is moving through the apartment is not unpleasant and only mildly cool . I 'm dressed warm enough for it not to bother me . When I took Tyke for a walk at noontime , we got rained on , but it was a real springtime rain and very mild and light . It was like wet sunshine pouring down . Nevertheless , we were a bit soaked when we got home and I had to dry us off with towels . Tyke enjoys that and thinks it 's the same thing as cuddling . My hair got sticky because of the hairspray . I 'll have to wash it again . It was standing up in all directions anyway from sleeping on it . I 'm becoming a champion at sleeping at night . There 's no problem anymore in sleeping through the night and waking up at a normal hour in the morning . I usually get about 8 hours of sleep . I think that 's the requisite amount . I can do that without taking a nap during the day , but I 'll take one of those too if I have to , though I prefer to do without and be really tired at night and long for bedtime . I must admit that sometimes it 's the cups of coffee that keep me going through the day . If I feel at all like I 'm faltering and not hanging in there well enough , I make myself a cup and do much better again . It only takes one cup and I 'm alright . I don 't have to make a second one . That 's what so nice about the Senseo machine . That I can just make one cup and drink it hot and fresh . The Senseo machine is doing a lot better after a good cleaning with a bottle of cleansing vinegar . It 's stopped leaking and is working normally again . I probably hadn 't cleaned it on time and had waited to long to run the vinegar through . Time goes by so quickly and it is likPosted by I took Tyke for his noontime walk and he 's been sleeping ever since . It seems to have worn him out quite a bit . The weather is still beautiful and ' I 've not yet seen any of the rain that 's been promised . The sun is shining and the temperature is quite pleasant . I 've got the windows open at the top and it would be nice if I could keep those open , because it does air out the apartment and that is very necessary when you smoke . Needless to say , I don 't have the heater on . It is nice when it is turned off and I don 't have to worry about my energy bill , but every week there are days when I have to turn it on , because it gets too cold to do without it . It 's been a cold springtime so far , and it isn 't done being cold yet according to the weather forecasters . I must say that I get cold quickly and don 't suffer it easily . I put extra clothes on and make myself as comfortable as I can get . My living room windows have been washed and I can clearly see the outside again . Tyke had drooled on them quite a bit and I need to get in the habit of cleaning them every day , but they have been washed on the outside too , where they never did get cleaned properly by that other girl that did them . The one who used all my dishtowels and then left streaks all over . That was a fiasco . She was a university student who had never learned to wash windows well . I don 't know what she was studying , but it didn 't have anything to do with home maintenance . I don 't know how they get away with sending out people like that to clean people 's houses . I suppose I should have complained . I didn 't think of it at the time . I guess I was willing to accept slip shot service . I haven 't been reading at all the past week or so . I don 't read anymore before I go to sleep . I 'm not excited enough about my book to make the effort , but turn off the light immediately and go straight to sleep . I 'm also not that interested in reading it during the day . I think it doesn 't hold my attention well enough and that I need to find something completely different . Something that is ePosted by Much to my satisfaction , I slept nine hours last night and I think I could actually have slept more . I went to bed early , because I was pooped and fell asleep almost instantly . I woke up at 7 : 30 this morning and thought I was done sleeping and had only one cup of coffee initially , but just now I had to make myself a second cup , because I started to yawn something awful and the sofa was starting to look awfully attractive . I 'm sure I will end up taking a nap today , but for now I will keep myself awake with the coffee . I went on the bathroom scale this morning and had lost another 1 . 5 kilos . So now I have to lose 6 . 5 kilos total ( 14 . 3 lbs ) . I can 't tell that I 've lost the weight . My stomach is so bloated for some reason . I think I 'm going to have to eat some high fiber cereal . Things get more complicated as you get older and you need to make all sorts of efforts to make them work well . I may try that special yogurt with the good bacteria that 's supposed to be helpful with these kinds of problems . I 'll add it to my shopping list the next time . Sleeping well is such a blessing . It 's an amazing thing to wake up with the sun shining through the blinds and not to be up in the dark . Of course , it makes me have to answer my emails and write my blog posts during the day , but since it 's the weekend , it doesn 't matter much . I do miss out on all the birds singing in the early morning . I sleep right through that . I took Tyke for a walk this morning and he was just stubborn enough for me not to worry about him too much , and when we got home he pestered Gandhi for a bit . Other than that , he is well behaved and sleeps a lot , very close to me and sometimes right on top of my feet . I think he wants to feel secure and hasn 't forgotten his operation yet . His eye still looks red and I 'm waiting for that to start looking better . I think he is having a little bit of a harder time than the first time he was operated on . I made the mistake of drinking sweet lemonade after I had my first cup of coffee and it made me feel very tired and down , mPosted by I slept 8 hours last night and I would still be asleep if it weren 't for the fact that I 'm expecting my personal helper and had to get up for that in time . I did have to get dressed and drink some coffee to be in an approachable state . I 'm drinking my second cup right now and hope to be fully operational soon . It 's a beautiful sunny day outside and I really ought to be out in the country somewhere enjoying myself with Tyke , having a picnic and wandering the unbeaten paths . That 's what I 'm in the mood for . I must find a way to do this . Tyke is doing better , by the way , he is livelier and pestering the cats again , so he is almost back to his normal self . His eye is still red , but I assume that will disappear over time . He 's still a little more subdued , but that may be psychological as well . It 's quite an ordeal that he went through , after all . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - It 's now a few hours later and the domestic help is here . This is Friday 's domestic help who is very unhappy with Monday 's domestic help . She says that the one on Monday doesn 't do her work well and is going to try and replace her with herself . My personal helper was witness to this indignation and agreed with her , so I do have a back up when I get entangled in this web . I really hope I don 't , though . I 'd hate to get in the middle of two domestic helpers . I 'm a bit uncomfortable to be sitting down while somebody else is cleaning my apartment , but I act as if I don 't care . I try to be as cool as a cucumber . It is hard when you 're really a bit nervous about the whole thing , but I don 't want to get in the way of her either . She 's so industrious . I don 't know how you feel about people coming into your house , but I 'm a bit uneasy with it , especially if they concern themselves with your personal life , which these people do . I do feel that I have few secrets . I really have to have locked chambers in my head to keep some things sacred . Then I have to decide who to tell what . I try to tell my SPN and my psychiatrist everything , but I notice that even then I 'm on guarPosted by I 'm trying to recuperate from a whole night up spemt with Tyke . He had to piddle quite often , but didn 't warn me when he had to go in his befuddled state . Instead , he started to wander around the apaprtment and I had to direct him to the back door , so he could go out to the patio and piddle in the flowerbed . I didn 't get any sleep until this morning and some this afternoon and I 'm still not caught up , but I 'll save the rest for tonight . Tyke is still not back to normal and is very subdued , but he 's better than he was yesterday and his eye doesn 't look too bad , although this morning it was encrusted with dried blood and I had to remove that . I 've taken the collar off and he isn 't bothering his eye , so I think it is okay . He was so miserable with it on and the drool had made the front of him and his ears all wet and stinky . I have to soap up a wash cloth when he 's feeling a bit perkier . He did go with me this morning to return the umbrella to the hairdresser and to the tobacco shop , but I think he did it just to please me , because when we got home he was completely spent and he hasn 't done much since that time . My friend Yvonne was here this afternoon and he greeted her very sedately , not at all like his normal enthusiastic self , and when the Exfactor also got here , it was more of the same . They both thought he was on his best behavior , but I had to help them out of that illusion . It 's very obvious that people like me better with my glasses on . I get approached more openly than I do without them . Yvonne says that I look friendlier . Maybe that is because I see everybody better . I recognize people easier . Whatever the difference is , it is positive , so I better keep wearing them . Please remind me of this whenever I start to doubt the use of my glasses , besides not getting headaches , of course . I do think being friendlier is very important . I wish I weren 't so darn tired . I would go to sleep on the sofa , but I 'm waiting for a package to be delivered . They said they would be here between 12 and 6 pm . Of course , it will be clPosted by I 'm a little bit over excited . Doubtlessly this is still due to the unrest I felt while waiting to hear from the vet about Tykes eye . I was quite uneasy about it , because when he called right after the operation , he said that Tyke 's eye was bleeding quite a lot and that he had to put a collar on him straight away . He said he would call me when he thought Tyke was well enough to go home and then I didn 't hear from him for a long time , so I envisioned all sorts of scenarios that involved a lot of blood . Your imagination does take a hold of you . Anyway , at one point I was wound as tight as a violin string and I could have snapped if it had gotten any tighter , so I thought I had better take those tranquilizers I had not been taking in the afternoon . They helped me quite a bit and I felt a lot calmer afterwards and able to think more rationally . So , when the vet called with good news , I very calmly walked over there with my umbrella and was greeted by a happy , drooling Tyke who was still drowsy , but ready to go home . We walked home slowly . Tyke was a little wobbly , but we made it in one go . He 's asleep now on the sofa , still under the influence of the anesthetic and still drooling a lot . I won 't get much movement out of him this evening , but I 'm proud of him for walking home . He does have good instincts . The cats were very happy not to have him home and luxuriated under all the undivided attention they got . Toby got as much cuddling in as he could and couldn 't believe he could walk around the living room without being chased by a power hungry dog . Gandhi walked around looking in all the corners for Tyke , but couldn 't discover him anywhere and I think she liked it . She has a very ambivalent relationship with him . I 'm hoping for the day when Tyke will become mellow and leave them alone . God only knows when that will be . It may take a while . At least for today they are safe . I got my hair cut earlier in the day . I walked over there and enjoyed the ambiance of the shop while I waited for my turn . I had an interesting conversaPosted by It 's early in the morning and I 've been up for a while . I woke up from two cats fighting on the patio , Toby being one of them , I 'm sure , and I tried to go back to sleep . I was almost successful , but then I had to go to the toilet and was really awake after that , so I decided to get up and enjoy the wee hours of the morning in peace and quiet . Actually , I felt an unbridled passion for life and I didn 't want to miss any part of it by sleeping . I was too excited to stay in bed and had to get up and do something . I made my first cup of coffee and sipped it slowly and felt great . I answered my emails and enjoyed the dark silence around me . I like sleeping during the night , but I must say that these are the most gratifying hours of the day and I like being up . There 's not a hair on my head that thinks about going back to bed . Now the birds have started singing and it is a very joyful sound . They greet the sun as it starts to rise and are full of hope for the brand new day , as am I . I can 't wait for the day to start and do the things I have to do , although one of them is maybe less pleasant , and that is taking Tyke to the vet for the operation on his eye , but the outcome will be fine and his eye will be cured and that is good . I 'm also getting my hair cut today and I 'm looking forward to that , because to me going to the hairdresser is a treat that I always enjoy . I like being fussed over and enjoy the ambiance in the shop . Everybody speaks dialect there , which I can decipher , but not speak , and it is all sort of laid back and easy . No stress . I love getting my hair washed , although I hate to see myself afterwards in the mirror , but the I think that everybody feels that way before they undergo their metamorphosis . You should never be too critical of yourself and the light in the shop is harsh , so don 't judge yourself too strongly . All those wrinkles don 't show up at home in the bathroom mirror . That 's the only light to judge yourself by . It 's all an illusion . Yesterday the Exfactor came by for coffee and did my grocery shopPosted by I actually slept another 8 hours last night , maybe even a little more , because I 'm not sure of when I really fell asleep . I went to bed awfully early having taken no naps during the day and having slept not enough the previous night . I read for awhile , but had enough sense to put my book under my pillow when I got sleepy so Tyke wouldn 't tear it apart during the night . At least I 've gotten into the habit of doing that after some books suffered that fate . I do learn my lesson after awhile . I 'm just a bit of a slow learner . The first thing I did was go on the bathroom scale , which I hadn 't done in about a week or so , and I discovered that I had lost 2 kilos . I wasn 't expecting that at all , though I haven 't been over eating , and now I only have 8 kilos left to lose . That 's 17 . 6 lbs and I think that 's very doable . I think now that I 'm below 10 kilos , everything looks easier and I think it will be an attainable goal from this point forward . It is within reach now . The only problem is that two of my skirts are getting a bit big and I do like them , but I will have to wear them with a belt and solve it that way for a while . I ended up finding 2 pairs of jeans , a blue pair and a black pair , and they are size 46 ( American size 16 ) and they do fit me , so I 'm thrilled about that , especially when you consider that I used to be size 56 . That was size 26 in America , because I bought two pairs of jeans when I was in Alaska and I was at my heaviest then . I remember being surprised that I could buy that size jeans in a regular department store . I also remember being embarrassed in the airplane , because my seat belt needed an extension and I barely fit in that little seat and couldn 't really get the arm rest down , except in business class where I was upgraded to for the first part of the journey . I looked through the shopping bag with clothes that I had not looked through yet when I wrote my last post , and I did find some things in there and put them in the washing machine and they are hanging up to dry now . I don 't know if these clotPosted by I got up early this morning and was full of excitement , because I had promised myself that I would clean out my closet and because I had worked out the method I was going to use , I was looking forward to it . I didn 't want to rush into it and had a cup of coffee first and answered my emails . It was still early and there was no need to act as if I was short of time . I had lots of time . So when Tyke started to get impatient with me and let me know it was time to go out , I got dressed and took him for a 20 minute walk . Not too long , but long enough for him to do his business and sniff at all the blades of grass and the other various bits of vegetation . Once I got that out of the way , I took a break on the sofa with a glass of milk and a cigarette and mulled over my strategy . I was going to move some of my clothes to the shelves in my bedroom and needed to reorganize some things there first . I wanted to put some clothes there that I didn 't wear very often and would easily fit on the deep shelves of the tall bookcase . So , I had to move some books first . Luckily , my bedroom is organized and I could move things around pretty easily and I had room . That part of the job was done in no time and I had two empty shelves to put clothes on . Then I got all the mixed up stacks of clothes out of my closet and sorted them out and found four long sleeved stretch T - shirts that I had quite forgotten about . I also found some cute tank tops that I didn 't realize I owned and a skirt and a pair of jeans that I didn 't know about . They 're all in the right size too . I refolded everything and made new stacks . Then I went to the clothes that were on hangers . It was a chore to get the first item out . Things were jam packed , but the first dress I pulled out could go into the trash bag and the hanger could go into what would become a pile of hangers . I was ruthless . If I hadn 't worn it in a year , it went into the trash nag . If it didn 't fit , I wasn 't going to fool myself and think it would fit me next year . It went into the trash bag . Some things I hPosted by Today is part of a long weekend , Tomorrow is a holiday too . I 'm quite pleased about it , because I feel like I 'm on a mini vacation and I can just do whatever I please . Well , within reason . I mean , I do have some responsibilities , like the animals and some chores that need to get done regardless of whether or not it is a holiday or a Sunday . There is always a job that has been put off for a long time and that finally needs taken care of and today was the day to do it . I tackled the floor in the spare bedroom , which has been turned into a storage room where the Exfactor and I keep everything that we don 't have room for and there are stacks of boxes there against all walls and numerous other items . It is also where the back door is and in the back door is the cat flap where the cats enter and exit the apartment . It is also where I let out Tyke if he has to do an emergency piddle , so needless to say , the floor was quite dirty and littered with sand and cat and dog hair and twigs and leaves and other debris . It hadn 't been cleaned in a long time and I kept promising , no threatening myself , that I would clean it and I finally got around to it this morning . I swept it first , as well as I could with everything that was in the way , and then mopped it . I got it fairly clean , good enough for the animals anyway , and we 'll see how long it lasts in this condition . If I stay on top of it , it should never get out of hand again . This was the result of a depression . Now that I 'm out of it , I should be able to manage better . I also hung up another load of laundry to dry and I have another load of sheets and odd ends to go into the machine . I told you , I never run out of laundry . It seems to be my favorite chore to do . There is one more job that I am putting off and that I 'm going to have to get around to doing and that is cleaning out my closet . I 'm not looking forward to it at all . The first thing I ought to do is take out everything I don 't wear anymore and put it in a bag . I must be very organized when I go to work at it . I think soPosted by I hardly get around to the blogging business anymore since I seem to have decided now to sleep during the bight as well when I normally sit behind the computer . Not only that , I get up for a little while in the morning and then go back to bed anyway , if I don 't have an appointment and it is a free day like today was . That is after I walk Tyke and I 've taken my medicines and had my coffee . I really sleep well in the morning and have the most interesting dreams . I 'm done sleeping when I crave a cup of coffee and a cigarette and I want to sit on the sofa with the blinds open and watch the world go by . I 've had an incredibly uninteresting day and I hope I have a few more like it . Not that I want to dwell in boredom , but I like to be lazy sometimes and it has finally given me a chance to catch up with my blog reading in which I was very much behind . It 's also given me a chance to spend some time with Tyke and to try and teach him to shake paws . He does it spontaneously , but now I want him to do it on command . It needs a little bit of work . He 's going to be operated on his eye on Wednesday . He has another swollen tear gland , this time in his left eye , and it has not responded to the antibiotic ointment , as I doubted it would . It doesn 't look good and we saw the vet last night . Tyke still likes the vet despite his first operation . He doesn 't carry a grudge at all , but was happy to see him . I 'm now getting the same domestic help on Fridays instead of a different one all the time , who doesn 't know what to do and needs half arsed instructions from me , who doesn 't know what to tell them either . The woman who came here yesterday , made an assessment of the situation and went to work and will be back all the time picking up where she left off . She thoroughly cleaned what I thought was a clean kitchen and some doors in the apartment . She 's a real go - getter . I used to get part timers who in real life were students working for the extra money and who didn 't really have an eye for cleanliness and had to be told what to do , which was Posted by I had a cup of coffee and a glass of lemonade and I 'm undecided now what I will have next . I think I will not have anymore coffee , because I 'm thinking about going back to bed and sleeping some more . I 'm wide awake , though , and not the least bit tired , which is a problem when you 're thinking of going back to bed . It 's all in the timing . If I stay up long enough , I will be able to take Tyke for his first walk , but if I keep this short , I can go back to bed and sleep a little more , but then Tyke may have an accident . Sometimes I wish I had a husband who was an early riser , say about 7 am , and who would walk Tyke for me . It would be so perfect . Husbands do come in handy at times . I would only need one for practical matters like this . Like doing the groceries and washing the windows . I guess I really need a butler or something . Just a man around the house . When I win the lottery , I will hire one . I am really happy , because today I have a day off . Nobody is coming by . No domestic help and no personal helper and no Exfactor . It 's just me and the animals . I have no obligations and I like that . Nobody is going to call me either as far as I know . Isn 't that wonderful ? That means I can do as I please and go my own way and spend the day how I like it , with a book on the sofa most likely , recharging my battery . It will be very quiet and peaceful . Serenity will reign . Nothing makes you appreciate an empty day better than days filled with people coming to your apartment and having intense contact with them . At least , what I consider intense contact , because I 'm a private person and a little bit goes a long way . I appreciate having people around , but equally appreciate the peace and quiet when they 're gone . Even if the contact is of a high quality , which does happen every so often . Although I must add that it is because of that contact that I do appreciate the empty days and without the contact I would not fare as well . It is good for me . No doubt about it . I can imagine that people who are constantly surrounded by other people havPosted by I have some time to try and write some sort of a post before I have to take my medicines and take Tyke for a walk . It is early in the morning now and I have been up for a while reading blogs that I had not got a round to reading due to my limited time on the computer . I skipped a bunch of them , though , and will have to try and find time to read those later . I also still have to answer some emails and I don 't know when I 'll ever get around to that . I do want to guard against sitting here too long and spending more time than I allow myself . The computer is off during the day , that 's a rule . I 've had two cups of coffee and now I 'm drinking ice cold milk . It 's so good , I could drink liters of it . One of the things that make me happy is having the refrigerator filled with milk and knowing that I can drink it whenever I 'm thirsty , as opposed to the end of the shopping week when I have to be frugal and make it last and drink lots of lemonade . The lemonade is fortified with vitamins C , B and E and is very good also , so I drink it with pleasure , but there 's nothing like a glass of ice cold milk . The Exfactor arrived here two hours later than he was supposed to and he got here 10 minutes after I decided that he must be lying in a ditch somewhere , the victim of a traffic accident , because I could not reach him on his mobile phone . All sorts of scenarios played through my head until he drove up on his motorcycle . He had slept late and had not thought to call me to let me know he would get here later . Sheepishly he admitted that he should have . It takes him 45 minutes to get here from where he lives , so it is quite a journey , and he can 't hear his phone , nor answers it , of course , when he is riding his motorcycle . He rides the country lanes , because they are more fun . I had checked my bank account balance and found out that I was independently wealthy . Well , that I had more money than I had counted on , which was a pleasant surprise , but that 's what you get when you live frugally , so I could afford groceries , which the Exfactor gPosted by When I first got up just now , I drank a glass of lemonade , which was great for my thirst , but didn 't do a thing for my brain cell activity , and I sat here in a little stupor trying to get my head together and my thinking processes going . It was as if I had cobwebs in my head that prevented me from thinking properly and that made everything kind of hazy and lethargic . Then I made myself a mug of coffee and as quick as a shot , everything woke up and started to jump into action and all the synapses started to fire and the neurons did whatever they were supposed to do , which is yet unclear to me , but I know they play a role . They carried whatever messages they were supposed to carry from one braincell to the other , I guess . I 've read how this all happens , but I always forget in my inability to quite picture it . How the caffeine works in it , I don 't know , but I know it helps in stimulating the whole lot . I think it 's quite a need trick and very reliable . See there the manipulation of my thought processes by the consumption of a hot beverage . The first hour or so of my awake time is taken up reassuring Tyke that I like him very much and that , because I sit behind the computer , I doesn 't mean that I 'm neglecting him , so I have to spend some time petting him and rubbing his belly until he is satisfied and he goes to sleep at my feet . If I don 't do this , he will find other less pleasant ways to get my attention , and it usually involves molesting a cat . Now , if he even thinks of it , all I have to do is softly say , " Come here , Tyke , " and he comes right over and gets ready for a belly rub and calms right down and forgets every evil deed that was in his head . It 's as though every time I get up , or do something that takes my attention away from him , we have to reestablish the order of things and re - bond with each other . At least this way I don 't have to get angry with him and I understand what drives him and it is easily taken care of . It does require some patience , but nobody said that pet ownership was easy and I assume he will Posted by It 's very early in the morning and I 've been up for awhile answering emails and drinking coffee . It 's been a most pleasant time , because in between everything else , I 've had to pay the proper amount of attention to Tyke , who I watch with eagle 's eyes , and we have done quite a bit of bonding in the act of reassuring him that he 's loved and that he comes first . He 's now sound asleep by my feet and quite happy that he 's been loved so much , I 'm sure , and cuddled enough . I have the computer off all day long , except for in the evening when I have it on for a short time to check my mail . Now that I 'm up in the middle of the night , I can write a post , because it feels like I have the extra time and I 'm not taking it away from anything . It 's almost the last thing I do before I take my medicines and get dressed to take Tyke for a walk . I like taking him early in the morning when nobody else is about yet and the dew is on the grass . It makes Tyke 's hair very curly on the front and on his belly and legs and ears . He really does look like a poodle then . I trimmed his hair on his head and around his eyes . It was starting to get in the way . He was surprisingly good about it and I felt like I ought to have kept going and trimmed him all over . I realized on time that it was a job for a professional , so I will make an appointment to have his hair cut and washed soon . I had a good day yesterday . It was very mellow and laid back and I took Tyke for four walks . Two of them were of the longer kind . I watched sports on TV , because in the afternoon there 's nothing but , and watched a whole field hockey game for the Dutch championship . I can watch TV and pay attention to Tyke at the same time , because he 's never far away from me and I 'm never so wrapped up in the TV that I forget everything around me . I got the laundry done also and managed to almost fit everything on the drying rack . Some tops are hanging on clothes hangers on the shower rail . I never seem to run out of laundry , which is amazing considering I live here by myself . I do liPosted by For a change I find myself not sound asleep in bed getting my six hours of shut eye , but find myself awake in the middle of the night without any sleep left in me . I 've answered my emails and had two cups of coffee and numerous cigarettes . The Senseo machine is dying on me and has decided to start leaking when I use two pads at once when I make a big mug of coffee . We 'll see if it just continues to leak or if the problems become worse and the whole thing starts to fall apart . I will have to buy a new one , but the timing isn 't exactly right now . I 'm going to run a bottle of vinegar through it to see if it will make any difference , although I did that not too long ago , but I 'll give it another shot . If I do have to buy a new one , I 'd like for the next one to be red . It will be more cheerful than this black one I have now . Of course , it isn 't under warranty anymore , so that 's no recourse . It has done its duty and I suppose that 's all I can ask of it . It 's to the scrap heap with it . I wanted to buy an espresso machine , but the Exfactor , who has a lot of experience with them from working behind the bar in the film house , talked me out of it and said it was not worth the bother for the cup of coffee I would get out of it . He made the whole process of getting a decent espresso sound awfully bothersome , not at all like getting an easy mug of Senseo , and I guess he convinced me , because I do like uncomplicated simplicity . Especially early in the morning when I want everything to be easily and quickly done . Did you know , by the way , that it 's good to keep your coffee stored in the refrigerator ? It keeps it fresher longer in a good container . If you have whole beans , you can keep them in the freezer before you grind them , although I 'm not sure what the extreme cold does to the beans , except preserve them very well . It has to be a frost free freezer , of course . It doesn 't solidly freeze the beans together . We made our coffee that way in Sonoma and always enjoyed a good fresh cup . Today is Saturday and a day wholly defunct of Posted by This is just a post to let you all know that I 'm alive and breathing , but that I 've decided not to spend so much time behind the computer anymore . Blogging was taking up too much of my time and it had nearly become an obsession and a lot of my spare time went into it . I always had the computer on stand by and every free moment I sat down and did something related to my blog and I thought it had gotten out of hand . Tyke is the recipient of my free time now , as I spend much more time with him and it 's paying off , as he 's bothering the cat much less and begging for attention less , because he 's getting enough of it now . I take him for more and longer walks and spend more time cuddling with him and just sitting with him and being there , instead of sitting behind the computer . He appreciates that very much . Gandhi also gets more opportunities to sit on my lap , so I make her happy as well . The photo at the top is of the field where I take Tyke for his shorter walks . I took it a few years ago at the beginning of Spring . I 'm taking him there for his last walk tonight , while it is still barely light outside . The days are getting longer , although the weather has been dreary and cold . Tyke has a little infection in his eye that I 'm treating with an antibiotic ointment and it seems to be helping already . He 's pretty good about letting me apply it . He only protests a little bit . Maybe he knows it 's good for him . The country has been in the grip of the disaster of the Lybian airline crash in which so many Dutch people died and which one 9 year old boy named Ruben survived . It 's been quite shocking , to say the least . It happened one day before the 10 year memorial of the fireworks disaster in Enschede in which a whole neighborhood got wiped out and many people died . Flags are flying at half mast . I hope you 're all having a good day . Ciao , Nora Posted by I have chest pains and I have a headache . These are psychosomatic pains . I 'm not having a heart attack and I 'm not having a migraine . It 's just my stress translating itself into physical symptoms . If I were a hypochondriac I would be going to my GP now and demanding all sorts of tests and pills . Luckily , I know the pain is all between my ears . There was a time when I didn 't know that and my stress really did translate itself into physical ailments , such as a dislocated jaw from grinding my teeth , and a herniated disc , and stress induced asthma and a host of other defects . My poor body took the blows that my mind suffered but didn 't register . I rarely have something wrong physically now , but I sure do get screwed up mentally . Except that today I have chest pains and a headache and I think that 's because I 'm trying so desperately to be more cheerful than I am . I want to act like nothing is really wrong , but the thought of having to do the dishes and the laundry defeats me and I can barely think of the thought of having to perform these minor chores . I feel beat before I 've even started them . What I really want to do is sleep some more on the sofa . although I slept another six hours last night . I know that isn 't really enough , but for me that is a lot and I 'm very pleased with myself . I know I need to sleep more and I probably will allow myself the pleasure when I 'm done writing this . I have to , because right now I feel overwhelmed by the details of life , although they are all minor and shouldn 't have such an impact . To me they seem like insurmountable obstacles that I won 't be able to move out of my way and that hang over my head like so many swords of Damocles . The longer I don 't do anything about them , the worse it gets . I really do need someone in my life to help me take care of these things . I wish I could gather the energy and the courage to take care of them myself , because I know what needs to get done . It 's the carrying out that 's the problem . I 'm good at organizing , I just need to be able to delegate . It 's witPosted by I 'm sitting here in my jeans and a long sleeved shirt with my boots on and a scarf around my neck . I have the heater turned up , but I still feel cold . Outside the weather isn 't very nice either . It has been overcast and cool all day and I wore my leather jacket when I walked the dog . For some reason , it doesn 't seem to want to become Spring and I read that in some other blogs too . In some places snow is even falling . At least things aren 't as bad here . We just suffer from dreariness , which is bad enough when you would like for it to be a little bit warmer and a little more cheerful . Not that I expect tropical weather , of course . Temperatures around 20C would be very nice . I talked to my psychiatrist this morning . In his opinion I 'm not suffering from a depression in the traditional sense of the word . I am , however , very unstable and he says that I 'm rapid cycling a lot . That means that your moods change from one extreme to another in a relatively short amount of time . Of course , when he said that , I knew he was right , but when I 'm in one mood , I always think I have been in that mood all the time and I forget the other moods . It seems like every time these mood changes happen , I 'm taken by surprise . It is like every time is the first time and I never learn what to do or how to deal with it . I forget everything and almost have to start over again from scratch , unless I am reminded of them by someone else and then all my knowledge comes back to me . Well , not even all of it , bits and pieces of it and I really should reread the textbook every time , but I 'm too mentally exhausted to do it . Something in my memory doesn 't work well and I forget things that are important . I have a hard time storing and retrieving bits of information . I 've always had that problem , my whole life , so it 's not due to the medication . I am rereading novels now that I read 6 or 7 years ago and I have no memory of having read them before . They are like new books to me . So I just go down the list of books I 've already read and read them again . UnlessPosted by I actually slept for six hours last night , I was completely flabbergasted myself . That hasn 't happened in quite a while . I don 't think it means that I 'm done sleeping now . Doubtlessly I 'll need a nap today , but it 's a good beginning . I hope it means that I 'll have more nights like it and maybe even with longer hours . It certainly would be a pleasure . There 's nothing like getting more sleep to get your head straightened out . You can 't do that on a measly three hours . I will try not to sleep too much during the day and save up my sleep for the night . I want to be good and tired when I go to bed tonight . I 'm trying to be cheerful today and I 'm partially succeeding . I have to push away some unpleasant thoughts and concentrate on the moment and not think too far ahead and too much in the past , but if I do that I can almost manage . By the past I mean yesterday . By ahead I mean this afternoon . I really mean I have to live in this moment , although it 's kind of hard . I 'm slightly stressed , because I 'm not sure yet how I 'm going to get my groceries . That 's an unknown and I 'm waiting to hear from the Exfactor who may or may not be having motorcycle problems . If not , he may be able to do them for me . I may have to do them myself and for that I will have to build up a lot of courage . That 's going to take me some time . I also have to do chores , because the domestic help is coming this afternoon . Needless to say . I haven 't done much these last few days and I do have to put some things to order . My psychiatrist is calling me at 10 o ' clock this morning . I have a lot to discuss with him , especially the effect that the extra anti psychotic is having on me . Actually , I would like to cancel today or already be at the end of it . It 's a little bit too complicated for me . I 'm not quite up to the task , which goes to show you that I 'm really not okay yet and that I can act cheerful , but that it 's a hot air balloon . So you see , I 'm not living in the moment very much . Actually , nothing much has changed . It 's just a different day with different ePosted by After having been up practically all night , I slept on the sofa for a while in the morning under the yellow fleece blanket with my bathrobe and my socks on . I didn 't sleep long , because I was too sad for it . I was too sad to sleep . I woke up at nine o ' clock and made myself some coffee . I turned on the computer and read some emails , but they started me crying almost immediately , and I turned the computer off . I don 't even remember now which emails they were , but I seem to be very sensitive to emails right now , especially those pertaining to my blog . I sat crying on the sofa for a while until I was done with that , but when the Exfactor got here , I started all over again . It seems that is about all I can do anymore , is cry . The tears just roll down my face spontaneously , without any effort . The Exfactor stayed until he had to leave to go to work . That brought on more tears from me , although I certainly did not beg him to stay . I wouldn 't do a thing like that . Things got worse in the afternoon and in my mind 's eye I saw myself break every piece of furniture in the living room . I called the crisis line , but was told they were unavailable , because they were dealing with an emergency and it could take an hour . An hour is a long time when you are going through a crisis yourself and I had to find a way to calm down , so I took an extra anti psychotic . I have the discretion to do that if I think I need one . It was working within half an hour and I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up a while ago . I don 't feel like crying now . The anti psychotics were reduced not too long ago from 6 mg to 4 mg and I wonder if that is part of the reason why I am having a hard time ? It is a question I will have to ask my psychiatrist tomorrow . There were a lot of emails in my in box just now and I started to answer them , but was defeated by the task . Sometimes it 's all just too much and I don 't know how to handle all of it . At least not in the state of mind I 'm in , which is one of sadness and frustration , amongst other things . As I speak now , at thiPosted by It 's starting to be the early hours of the morning , but I have been up since the early hours of the night and the peace and quiet remind me why I like to be up at this time . The advancing hours make me acutely aware of how little time there is left until daylight . I know I really need to be asleep now in order to live a healthy life , but I will miss these hours at night when I sit here by myself and I can pretend that all is well with the world and with me . I find it difficult to know what to discuss on this blog . I feel like the whole world is watching me and judging me . I have thought about not blogging at all , but I would miss it too much , because I always feel the need to write down my thoughts and to get feedback , but suddenly it all seems much more complicated now and I know that you can expect any kind of reaction , not necessarily the one you are waiting for . I 'm suffering from a depression and have been for a long time . That was why I wanted to be on the other medication that didn 't work out . I got the feeling that the medication I was taking for my depression wasn 't working , but when the new medication didn 't work out , I went back to the old medication that I thought wasn 't working . I don 't know the reason for this . It is something I have to discuss with my psychiatrist when he calls me on Monday . There is obviously a kink in the cable . Until I get this depression sorted out , I 'm pushing a stone uphill . The Exfactor came by yesterday evening . He helped me make a short list of things to discuss with my psychiatrist . He is going to come by again this morning to see how I am . I am not well . I called the crisis line and talked to a psychiatrist . I don 't really know if it helped . I said I would call back today if it was necessary . I don 't know if it does me any good , but when you hit bottom , you think it does . Ciao , Nora Because of what I considered to be unpleasant and unhelpful comments , I have deleted the new blog and resurrected the old blog . It is my hope that nobody will be aware of that and that I can blog in peace and quiet . I tried to start a new blog , but Blogger was being difficult about my identity and wanted to send a verification code to my mobile phone . That was too much of a hassle to me . I hope that by now everybody had forgotten about this blog and that no one has bookmarked it anymore . It 's my experience that it 's better not to write for an audience , but to just sit here and write my thoughts down as if no one is reading them and to expect no comments in return . People get the wrong impression from you easily through your writing and you have to be careful what you say . After having been up most of the night , I finally went to sleep at about 8 o ' clock in the morning and slept until 1 pm , only to wake up in a terribly depressed mood , which did not improve when I read the comments to my latest post on my other blog . My world fell apart . I cried for hours . Even now I don 't know what to do , except keep myself safe from as many outside influences as possible and try to find my own way through the swamp that is my mind . That is , with the help of my psychiatrist and my SPN , but they are not available now . Right now I 'm on my own and I have to be a tough cookie to get through this weekend . It 's hard to have the domestic help and the personal helper in my life . I feel that I should not let them down , but I hardly have the energy to keep them happy . I 'm being accused of dramatizing my life , so I guess I had better watch what I say . I would like to live my life without any help at all , but I think it is not possible , because if I chose for that , I would be accused of boycotting the effort to help me . I only know that as time passes , I seem to be getting worse instead of better . I find it harder to stand in the world by myself and I feel godawful lonely . I have no illusions of that changing . I find it difficult to know what tPosted by |
Much to my surprise , I find myself awake in the wee hours of the morning and not at all sound asleep in bed . It is not a disaster , because I had emails to answer , so I 've spent my time usefully and enjoyably with a cup of coffee . I had hoped to sleep longer , but after I had gone to the toilet , my head decided it wanted to stay up and do exciting things . My body agreed . You see how they are autonomic entities that function independently of me , as if they have their own will . Where do I come into the picture ? Assuming I was doing Tyke a favor , I put Jesker 's old pillow underneath my desk , where Tyke often sleeps , but he would have none of it and rejected it completely . He was waiting for me to take it away before he would lie down there . So I took it away and put it down on the floor against the wall behind me , and now Tyke is lying underneath the desk on top of my feet . I really don 't think he likes that pillow and I wonder if I have to buy a new one . Tyke is always lying on the bare floor , even though he can lie on the sofa or on my bed . He does that occasionally , but always gravitates back to the floor . As long as he is close to me , he doesn 't mind . My friend Gail sent me the book of the famous Horse Whisperer and I 'm going to be real smart about dog training now . His name is Ceasar Millan and he does that well known show on TV that we even get in the Netherlands . My sister swears by it and watches every episode . She 's just recently brought it to my attention and then I got that book from Gail , so it was a nice coincidence . Tyke won 't know what hit him . It was meant to be . It has stopped raining since yesterday evening and the sun was even shining at the end of the day . It may rain a little more in the beginning of the week , but after that the weather is supposed to improve and we can expect temperatures into the 20 's . Celsius that is . I don 't know about that rain . Maybe the weather forecasters will get that wrong and we will get none . Very often we end up not getting any when some was predicted . We are just south Posted by It rained yesterday in the evening and during the night . It was very pleasant to lie in bed and hear the rain come down on the patio through the opened window . That 's how I fell asleep . To that sound . Today it is an overcast day and cool , but I still have the windows open at the top , because inside it isn 't cold . I 'm wearing my boots and leggings and an extra top . I have a scarf around my neck for warmth . The draft that is moving through the apartment is not unpleasant and only mildly cool . I 'm dressed warm enough for it not to bother me . When I took Tyke for a walk at noontime , we got rained on , but it was a real springtime rain and very mild and light . It was like wet sunshine pouring down . Nevertheless , we were a bit soaked when we got home and I had to dry us off with towels . Tyke enjoys that and thinks it 's the same thing as cuddling . My hair got sticky because of the hairspray . I 'll have to wash it again . It was standing up in all directions anyway from sleeping on it . I 'm becoming a champion at sleeping at night . There 's no problem anymore in sleeping through the night and waking up at a normal hour in the morning . I usually get about 8 hours of sleep . I think that 's the requisite amount . I can do that without taking a nap during the day , but I 'll take one of those too if I have to , though I prefer to do without and be really tired at night and long for bedtime . I must admit that sometimes it 's the cups of coffee that keep me going through the day . If I feel at all like I 'm faltering and not hanging in there well enough , I make myself a cup and do much better again . It only takes one cup and I 'm alright . I don 't have to make a second one . That 's what so nice about the Senseo machine . That I can just make one cup and drink it hot and fresh . The Senseo machine is doing a lot better after a good cleaning with a bottle of cleansing vinegar . It 's stopped leaking and is working normally again . I probably hadn 't cleaned it on time and had waited to long to run the vinegar through . Time goes by so quickly and it is likPosted by I took Tyke for his noontime walk and he 's been sleeping ever since . It seems to have worn him out quite a bit . The weather is still beautiful and ' I 've not yet seen any of the rain that 's been promised . The sun is shining and the temperature is quite pleasant . I 've got the windows open at the top and it would be nice if I could keep those open , because it does air out the apartment and that is very necessary when you smoke . Needless to say , I don 't have the heater on . It is nice when it is turned off and I don 't have to worry about my energy bill , but every week there are days when I have to turn it on , because it gets too cold to do without it . It 's been a cold springtime so far , and it isn 't done being cold yet according to the weather forecasters . I must say that I get cold quickly and don 't suffer it easily . I put extra clothes on and make myself as comfortable as I can get . My living room windows have been washed and I can clearly see the outside again . Tyke had drooled on them quite a bit and I need to get in the habit of cleaning them every day , but they have been washed on the outside too , where they never did get cleaned properly by that other girl that did them . The one who used all my dishtowels and then left streaks all over . That was a fiasco . She was a university student who had never learned to wash windows well . I don 't know what she was studying , but it didn 't have anything to do with home maintenance . I don 't know how they get away with sending out people like that to clean people 's houses . I suppose I should have complained . I didn 't think of it at the time . I guess I was willing to accept slip shot service . I haven 't been reading at all the past week or so . I don 't read anymore before I go to sleep . I 'm not excited enough about my book to make the effort , but turn off the light immediately and go straight to sleep . I 'm also not that interested in reading it during the day . I think it doesn 't hold my attention well enough and that I need to find something completely different . Something that is ePosted by Much to my satisfaction , I slept nine hours last night and I think I could actually have slept more . I went to bed early , because I was pooped and fell asleep almost instantly . I woke up at 7 : 30 this morning and thought I was done sleeping and had only one cup of coffee initially , but just now I had to make myself a second cup , because I started to yawn something awful and the sofa was starting to look awfully attractive . I 'm sure I will end up taking a nap today , but for now I will keep myself awake with the coffee . I went on the bathroom scale this morning and had lost another 1 . 5 kilos . So now I have to lose 6 . 5 kilos total ( 14 . 3 lbs ) . I can 't tell that I 've lost the weight . My stomach is so bloated for some reason . I think I 'm going to have to eat some high fiber cereal . Things get more complicated as you get older and you need to make all sorts of efforts to make them work well . I may try that special yogurt with the good bacteria that 's supposed to be helpful with these kinds of problems . I 'll add it to my shopping list the next time . Sleeping well is such a blessing . It 's an amazing thing to wake up with the sun shining through the blinds and not to be up in the dark . Of course , it makes me have to answer my emails and write my blog posts during the day , but since it 's the weekend , it doesn 't matter much . I do miss out on all the birds singing in the early morning . I sleep right through that . I took Tyke for a walk this morning and he was just stubborn enough for me not to worry about him too much , and when we got home he pestered Gandhi for a bit . Other than that , he is well behaved and sleeps a lot , very close to me and sometimes right on top of my feet . I think he wants to feel secure and hasn 't forgotten his operation yet . His eye still looks red and I 'm waiting for that to start looking better . I think he is having a little bit of a harder time than the first time he was operated on . I made the mistake of drinking sweet lemonade after I had my first cup of coffee and it made me feel very tired and down , mPosted by I slept 8 hours last night and I would still be asleep if it weren 't for the fact that I 'm expecting my personal helper and had to get up for that in time . I did have to get dressed and drink some coffee to be in an approachable state . I 'm drinking my second cup right now and hope to be fully operational soon . It 's a beautiful sunny day outside and I really ought to be out in the country somewhere enjoying myself with Tyke , having a picnic and wandering the unbeaten paths . That 's what I 'm in the mood for . I must find a way to do this . Tyke is doing better , by the way , he is livelier and pestering the cats again , so he is almost back to his normal self . His eye is still red , but I assume that will disappear over time . He 's still a little more subdued , but that may be psychological as well . It 's quite an ordeal that he went through , after all . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - It 's now a few hours later and the domestic help is here . This is Friday 's domestic help who is very unhappy with Monday 's domestic help . She says that the one on Monday doesn 't do her work well and is going to try and replace her with herself . My personal helper was witness to this indignation and agreed with her , so I do have a back up when I get entangled in this web . I really hope I don 't , though . I 'd hate to get in the middle of two domestic helpers . I 'm a bit uncomfortable to be sitting down while somebody else is cleaning my apartment , but I act as if I don 't care . I try to be as cool as a cucumber . It is hard when you 're really a bit nervous about the whole thing , but I don 't want to get in the way of her either . She 's so industrious . I don 't know how you feel about people coming into your house , but I 'm a bit uneasy with it , especially if they concern themselves with your personal life , which these people do . I do feel that I have few secrets . I really have to have locked chambers in my head to keep some things sacred . Then I have to decide who to tell what . I try to tell my SPN and my psychiatrist everything , but I notice that even then I 'm on guarPosted by I 'm trying to recuperate from a whole night up spemt with Tyke . He had to piddle quite often , but didn 't warn me when he had to go in his befuddled state . Instead , he started to wander around the apaprtment and I had to direct him to the back door , so he could go out to the patio and piddle in the flowerbed . I didn 't get any sleep until this morning and some this afternoon and I 'm still not caught up , but I 'll save the rest for tonight . Tyke is still not back to normal and is very subdued , but he 's better than he was yesterday and his eye doesn 't look too bad , although this morning it was encrusted with dried blood and I had to remove that . I 've taken the collar off and he isn 't bothering his eye , so I think it is okay . He was so miserable with it on and the drool had made the front of him and his ears all wet and stinky . I have to soap up a wash cloth when he 's feeling a bit perkier . He did go with me this morning to return the umbrella to the hairdresser and to the tobacco shop , but I think he did it just to please me , because when we got home he was completely spent and he hasn 't done much since that time . My friend Yvonne was here this afternoon and he greeted her very sedately , not at all like his normal enthusiastic self , and when the Exfactor also got here , it was more of the same . They both thought he was on his best behavior , but I had to help them out of that illusion . It 's very obvious that people like me better with my glasses on . I get approached more openly than I do without them . Yvonne says that I look friendlier . Maybe that is because I see everybody better . I recognize people easier . Whatever the difference is , it is positive , so I better keep wearing them . Please remind me of this whenever I start to doubt the use of my glasses , besides not getting headaches , of course . I do think being friendlier is very important . I wish I weren 't so darn tired . I would go to sleep on the sofa , but I 'm waiting for a package to be delivered . They said they would be here between 12 and 6 pm . Of course , it will be clPosted by I 'm a little bit over excited . Doubtlessly this is still due to the unrest I felt while waiting to hear from the vet about Tykes eye . I was quite uneasy about it , because when he called right after the operation , he said that Tyke 's eye was bleeding quite a lot and that he had to put a collar on him straight away . He said he would call me when he thought Tyke was well enough to go home and then I didn 't hear from him for a long time , so I envisioned all sorts of scenarios that involved a lot of blood . Your imagination does take a hold of you . Anyway , at one point I was wound as tight as a violin string and I could have snapped if it had gotten any tighter , so I thought I had better take those tranquilizers I had not been taking in the afternoon . They helped me quite a bit and I felt a lot calmer afterwards and able to think more rationally . So , when the vet called with good news , I very calmly walked over there with my umbrella and was greeted by a happy , drooling Tyke who was still drowsy , but ready to go home . We walked home slowly . Tyke was a little wobbly , but we made it in one go . He 's asleep now on the sofa , still under the influence of the anesthetic and still drooling a lot . I won 't get much movement out of him this evening , but I 'm proud of him for walking home . He does have good instincts . The cats were very happy not to have him home and luxuriated under all the undivided attention they got . Toby got as much cuddling in as he could and couldn 't believe he could walk around the living room without being chased by a power hungry dog . Gandhi walked around looking in all the corners for Tyke , but couldn 't discover him anywhere and I think she liked it . She has a very ambivalent relationship with him . I 'm hoping for the day when Tyke will become mellow and leave them alone . God only knows when that will be . It may take a while . At least for today they are safe . I got my hair cut earlier in the day . I walked over there and enjoyed the ambiance of the shop while I waited for my turn . I had an interesting conversaPosted by It 's early in the morning and I 've been up for a while . I woke up from two cats fighting on the patio , Toby being one of them , I 'm sure , and I tried to go back to sleep . I was almost successful , but then I had to go to the toilet and was really awake after that , so I decided to get up and enjoy the wee hours of the morning in peace and quiet . Actually , I felt an unbridled passion for life and I didn 't want to miss any part of it by sleeping . I was too excited to stay in bed and had to get up and do something . I made my first cup of coffee and sipped it slowly and felt great . I answered my emails and enjoyed the dark silence around me . I like sleeping during the night , but I must say that these are the most gratifying hours of the day and I like being up . There 's not a hair on my head that thinks about going back to bed . Now the birds have started singing and it is a very joyful sound . They greet the sun as it starts to rise and are full of hope for the brand new day , as am I . I can 't wait for the day to start and do the things I have to do , although one of them is maybe less pleasant , and that is taking Tyke to the vet for the operation on his eye , but the outcome will be fine and his eye will be cured and that is good . I 'm also getting my hair cut today and I 'm looking forward to that , because to me going to the hairdresser is a treat that I always enjoy . I like being fussed over and enjoy the ambiance in the shop . Everybody speaks dialect there , which I can decipher , but not speak , and it is all sort of laid back and easy . No stress . I love getting my hair washed , although I hate to see myself afterwards in the mirror , but the I think that everybody feels that way before they undergo their metamorphosis . You should never be too critical of yourself and the light in the shop is harsh , so don 't judge yourself too strongly . All those wrinkles don 't show up at home in the bathroom mirror . That 's the only light to judge yourself by . It 's all an illusion . Yesterday the Exfactor came by for coffee and did my grocery shopPosted by I actually slept another 8 hours last night , maybe even a little more , because I 'm not sure of when I really fell asleep . I went to bed awfully early having taken no naps during the day and having slept not enough the previous night . I read for awhile , but had enough sense to put my book under my pillow when I got sleepy so Tyke wouldn 't tear it apart during the night . At least I 've gotten into the habit of doing that after some books suffered that fate . I do learn my lesson after awhile . I 'm just a bit of a slow learner . The first thing I did was go on the bathroom scale , which I hadn 't done in about a week or so , and I discovered that I had lost 2 kilos . I wasn 't expecting that at all , though I haven 't been over eating , and now I only have 8 kilos left to lose . That 's 17 . 6 lbs and I think that 's very doable . I think now that I 'm below 10 kilos , everything looks easier and I think it will be an attainable goal from this point forward . It is within reach now . The only problem is that two of my skirts are getting a bit big and I do like them , but I will have to wear them with a belt and solve it that way for a while . I ended up finding 2 pairs of jeans , a blue pair and a black pair , and they are size 46 ( American size 16 ) and they do fit me , so I 'm thrilled about that , especially when you consider that I used to be size 56 . That was size 26 in America , because I bought two pairs of jeans when I was in Alaska and I was at my heaviest then . I remember being surprised that I could buy that size jeans in a regular department store . I also remember being embarrassed in the airplane , because my seat belt needed an extension and I barely fit in that little seat and couldn 't really get the arm rest down , except in business class where I was upgraded to for the first part of the journey . I looked through the shopping bag with clothes that I had not looked through yet when I wrote my last post , and I did find some things in there and put them in the washing machine and they are hanging up to dry now . I don 't know if these clotPosted by I got up early this morning and was full of excitement , because I had promised myself that I would clean out my closet and because I had worked out the method I was going to use , I was looking forward to it . I didn 't want to rush into it and had a cup of coffee first and answered my emails . It was still early and there was no need to act as if I was short of time . I had lots of time . So when Tyke started to get impatient with me and let me know it was time to go out , I got dressed and took him for a 20 minute walk . Not too long , but long enough for him to do his business and sniff at all the blades of grass and the other various bits of vegetation . Once I got that out of the way , I took a break on the sofa with a glass of milk and a cigarette and mulled over my strategy . I was going to move some of my clothes to the shelves in my bedroom and needed to reorganize some things there first . I wanted to put some clothes there that I didn 't wear very often and would easily fit on the deep shelves of the tall bookcase . So , I had to move some books first . Luckily , my bedroom is organized and I could move things around pretty easily and I had room . That part of the job was done in no time and I had two empty shelves to put clothes on . Then I got all the mixed up stacks of clothes out of my closet and sorted them out and found four long sleeved stretch T - shirts that I had quite forgotten about . I also found some cute tank tops that I didn 't realize I owned and a skirt and a pair of jeans that I didn 't know about . They 're all in the right size too . I refolded everything and made new stacks . Then I went to the clothes that were on hangers . It was a chore to get the first item out . Things were jam packed , but the first dress I pulled out could go into the trash bag and the hanger could go into what would become a pile of hangers . I was ruthless . If I hadn 't worn it in a year , it went into the trash nag . If it didn 't fit , I wasn 't going to fool myself and think it would fit me next year . It went into the trash bag . Some things I hPosted by Today is part of a long weekend , Tomorrow is a holiday too . I 'm quite pleased about it , because I feel like I 'm on a mini vacation and I can just do whatever I please . Well , within reason . I mean , I do have some responsibilities , like the animals and some chores that need to get done regardless of whether or not it is a holiday or a Sunday . There is always a job that has been put off for a long time and that finally needs taken care of and today was the day to do it . I tackled the floor in the spare bedroom , which has been turned into a storage room where the Exfactor and I keep everything that we don 't have room for and there are stacks of boxes there against all walls and numerous other items . It is also where the back door is and in the back door is the cat flap where the cats enter and exit the apartment . It is also where I let out Tyke if he has to do an emergency piddle , so needless to say , the floor was quite dirty and littered with sand and cat and dog hair and twigs and leaves and other debris . It hadn 't been cleaned in a long time and I kept promising , no threatening myself , that I would clean it and I finally got around to it this morning . I swept it first , as well as I could with everything that was in the way , and then mopped it . I got it fairly clean , good enough for the animals anyway , and we 'll see how long it lasts in this condition . If I stay on top of it , it should never get out of hand again . This was the result of a depression . Now that I 'm out of it , I should be able to manage better . I also hung up another load of laundry to dry and I have another load of sheets and odd ends to go into the machine . I told you , I never run out of laundry . It seems to be my favorite chore to do . There is one more job that I am putting off and that I 'm going to have to get around to doing and that is cleaning out my closet . I 'm not looking forward to it at all . The first thing I ought to do is take out everything I don 't wear anymore and put it in a bag . I must be very organized when I go to work at it . I think soPosted by I hardly get around to the blogging business anymore since I seem to have decided now to sleep during the bight as well when I normally sit behind the computer . Not only that , I get up for a little while in the morning and then go back to bed anyway , if I don 't have an appointment and it is a free day like today was . That is after I walk Tyke and I 've taken my medicines and had my coffee . I really sleep well in the morning and have the most interesting dreams . I 'm done sleeping when I crave a cup of coffee and a cigarette and I want to sit on the sofa with the blinds open and watch the world go by . I 've had an incredibly uninteresting day and I hope I have a few more like it . Not that I want to dwell in boredom , but I like to be lazy sometimes and it has finally given me a chance to catch up with my blog reading in which I was very much behind . It 's also given me a chance to spend some time with Tyke and to try and teach him to shake paws . He does it spontaneously , but now I want him to do it on command . It needs a little bit of work . He 's going to be operated on his eye on Wednesday . He has another swollen tear gland , this time in his left eye , and it has not responded to the antibiotic ointment , as I doubted it would . It doesn 't look good and we saw the vet last night . Tyke still likes the vet despite his first operation . He doesn 't carry a grudge at all , but was happy to see him . I 'm now getting the same domestic help on Fridays instead of a different one all the time , who doesn 't know what to do and needs half arsed instructions from me , who doesn 't know what to tell them either . The woman who came here yesterday , made an assessment of the situation and went to work and will be back all the time picking up where she left off . She thoroughly cleaned what I thought was a clean kitchen and some doors in the apartment . She 's a real go - getter . I used to get part timers who in real life were students working for the extra money and who didn 't really have an eye for cleanliness and had to be told what to do , which was Posted by I had a cup of coffee and a glass of lemonade and I 'm undecided now what I will have next . I think I will not have anymore coffee , because I 'm thinking about going back to bed and sleeping some more . I 'm wide awake , though , and not the least bit tired , which is a problem when you 're thinking of going back to bed . It 's all in the timing . If I stay up long enough , I will be able to take Tyke for his first walk , but if I keep this short , I can go back to bed and sleep a little more , but then Tyke may have an accident . Sometimes I wish I had a husband who was an early riser , say about 7 am , and who would walk Tyke for me . It would be so perfect . Husbands do come in handy at times . I would only need one for practical matters like this . Like doing the groceries and washing the windows . I guess I really need a butler or something . Just a man around the house . When I win the lottery , I will hire one . I am really happy , because today I have a day off . Nobody is coming by . No domestic help and no personal helper and no Exfactor . It 's just me and the animals . I have no obligations and I like that . Nobody is going to call me either as far as I know . Isn 't that wonderful ? That means I can do as I please and go my own way and spend the day how I like it , with a book on the sofa most likely , recharging my battery . It will be very quiet and peaceful . Serenity will reign . Nothing makes you appreciate an empty day better than days filled with people coming to your apartment and having intense contact with them . At least , what I consider intense contact , because I 'm a private person and a little bit goes a long way . I appreciate having people around , but equally appreciate the peace and quiet when they 're gone . Even if the contact is of a high quality , which does happen every so often . Although I must add that it is because of that contact that I do appreciate the empty days and without the contact I would not fare as well . It is good for me . No doubt about it . I can imagine that people who are constantly surrounded by other people havPosted by I have some time to try and write some sort of a post before I have to take my medicines and take Tyke for a walk . It is early in the morning now and I have been up for a while reading blogs that I had not got a round to reading due to my limited time on the computer . I skipped a bunch of them , though , and will have to try and find time to read those later . I also still have to answer some emails and I don 't know when I 'll ever get around to that . I do want to guard against sitting here too long and spending more time than I allow myself . The computer is off during the day , that 's a rule . I 've had two cups of coffee and now I 'm drinking ice cold milk . It 's so good , I could drink liters of it . One of the things that make me happy is having the refrigerator filled with milk and knowing that I can drink it whenever I 'm thirsty , as opposed to the end of the shopping week when I have to be frugal and make it last and drink lots of lemonade . The lemonade is fortified with vitamins C , B and E and is very good also , so I drink it with pleasure , but there 's nothing like a glass of ice cold milk . The Exfactor arrived here two hours later than he was supposed to and he got here 10 minutes after I decided that he must be lying in a ditch somewhere , the victim of a traffic accident , because I could not reach him on his mobile phone . All sorts of scenarios played through my head until he drove up on his motorcycle . He had slept late and had not thought to call me to let me know he would get here later . Sheepishly he admitted that he should have . It takes him 45 minutes to get here from where he lives , so it is quite a journey , and he can 't hear his phone , nor answers it , of course , when he is riding his motorcycle . He rides the country lanes , because they are more fun . I had checked my bank account balance and found out that I was independently wealthy . Well , that I had more money than I had counted on , which was a pleasant surprise , but that 's what you get when you live frugally , so I could afford groceries , which the Exfactor gPosted by When I first got up just now , I drank a glass of lemonade , which was great for my thirst , but didn 't do a thing for my brain cell activity , and I sat here in a little stupor trying to get my head together and my thinking processes going . It was as if I had cobwebs in my head that prevented me from thinking properly and that made everything kind of hazy and lethargic . Then I made myself a mug of coffee and as quick as a shot , everything woke up and started to jump into action and all the synapses started to fire and the neurons did whatever they were supposed to do , which is yet unclear to me , but I know they play a role . They carried whatever messages they were supposed to carry from one braincell to the other , I guess . I 've read how this all happens , but I always forget in my inability to quite picture it . How the caffeine works in it , I don 't know , but I know it helps in stimulating the whole lot . I think it 's quite a need trick and very reliable . See there the manipulation of my thought processes by the consumption of a hot beverage . The first hour or so of my awake time is taken up reassuring Tyke that I like him very much and that , because I sit behind the computer , I doesn 't mean that I 'm neglecting him , so I have to spend some time petting him and rubbing his belly until he is satisfied and he goes to sleep at my feet . If I don 't do this , he will find other less pleasant ways to get my attention , and it usually involves molesting a cat . Now , if he even thinks of it , all I have to do is softly say , " Come here , Tyke , " and he comes right over and gets ready for a belly rub and calms right down and forgets every evil deed that was in his head . It 's as though every time I get up , or do something that takes my attention away from him , we have to reestablish the order of things and re - bond with each other . At least this way I don 't have to get angry with him and I understand what drives him and it is easily taken care of . It does require some patience , but nobody said that pet ownership was easy and I assume he will Posted by It 's very early in the morning and I 've been up for awhile answering emails and drinking coffee . It 's been a most pleasant time , because in between everything else , I 've had to pay the proper amount of attention to Tyke , who I watch with eagle 's eyes , and we have done quite a bit of bonding in the act of reassuring him that he 's loved and that he comes first . He 's now sound asleep by my feet and quite happy that he 's been loved so much , I 'm sure , and cuddled enough . I have the computer off all day long , except for in the evening when I have it on for a short time to check my mail . Now that I 'm up in the middle of the night , I can write a post , because it feels like I have the extra time and I 'm not taking it away from anything . It 's almost the last thing I do before I take my medicines and get dressed to take Tyke for a walk . I like taking him early in the morning when nobody else is about yet and the dew is on the grass . It makes Tyke 's hair very curly on the front and on his belly and legs and ears . He really does look like a poodle then . I trimmed his hair on his head and around his eyes . It was starting to get in the way . He was surprisingly good about it and I felt like I ought to have kept going and trimmed him all over . I realized on time that it was a job for a professional , so I will make an appointment to have his hair cut and washed soon . I had a good day yesterday . It was very mellow and laid back and I took Tyke for four walks . Two of them were of the longer kind . I watched sports on TV , because in the afternoon there 's nothing but , and watched a whole field hockey game for the Dutch championship . I can watch TV and pay attention to Tyke at the same time , because he 's never far away from me and I 'm never so wrapped up in the TV that I forget everything around me . I got the laundry done also and managed to almost fit everything on the drying rack . Some tops are hanging on clothes hangers on the shower rail . I never seem to run out of laundry , which is amazing considering I live here by myself . I do liPosted by For a change I find myself not sound asleep in bed getting my six hours of shut eye , but find myself awake in the middle of the night without any sleep left in me . I 've answered my emails and had two cups of coffee and numerous cigarettes . The Senseo machine is dying on me and has decided to start leaking when I use two pads at once when I make a big mug of coffee . We 'll see if it just continues to leak or if the problems become worse and the whole thing starts to fall apart . I will have to buy a new one , but the timing isn 't exactly right now . I 'm going to run a bottle of vinegar through it to see if it will make any difference , although I did that not too long ago , but I 'll give it another shot . If I do have to buy a new one , I 'd like for the next one to be red . It will be more cheerful than this black one I have now . Of course , it isn 't under warranty anymore , so that 's no recourse . It has done its duty and I suppose that 's all I can ask of it . It 's to the scrap heap with it . I wanted to buy an espresso machine , but the Exfactor , who has a lot of experience with them from working behind the bar in the film house , talked me out of it and said it was not worth the bother for the cup of coffee I would get out of it . He made the whole process of getting a decent espresso sound awfully bothersome , not at all like getting an easy mug of Senseo , and I guess he convinced me , because I do like uncomplicated simplicity . Especially early in the morning when I want everything to be easily and quickly done . Did you know , by the way , that it 's good to keep your coffee stored in the refrigerator ? It keeps it fresher longer in a good container . If you have whole beans , you can keep them in the freezer before you grind them , although I 'm not sure what the extreme cold does to the beans , except preserve them very well . It has to be a frost free freezer , of course . It doesn 't solidly freeze the beans together . We made our coffee that way in Sonoma and always enjoyed a good fresh cup . Today is Saturday and a day wholly defunct of Posted by This is just a post to let you all know that I 'm alive and breathing , but that I 've decided not to spend so much time behind the computer anymore . Blogging was taking up too much of my time and it had nearly become an obsession and a lot of my spare time went into it . I always had the computer on stand by and every free moment I sat down and did something related to my blog and I thought it had gotten out of hand . Tyke is the recipient of my free time now , as I spend much more time with him and it 's paying off , as he 's bothering the cat much less and begging for attention less , because he 's getting enough of it now . I take him for more and longer walks and spend more time cuddling with him and just sitting with him and being there , instead of sitting behind the computer . He appreciates that very much . Gandhi also gets more opportunities to sit on my lap , so I make her happy as well . The photo at the top is of the field where I take Tyke for his shorter walks . I took it a few years ago at the beginning of Spring . I 'm taking him there for his last walk tonight , while it is still barely light outside . The days are getting longer , although the weather has been dreary and cold . Tyke has a little infection in his eye that I 'm treating with an antibiotic ointment and it seems to be helping already . He 's pretty good about letting me apply it . He only protests a little bit . Maybe he knows it 's good for him . The country has been in the grip of the disaster of the Lybian airline crash in which so many Dutch people died and which one 9 year old boy named Ruben survived . It 's been quite shocking , to say the least . It happened one day before the 10 year memorial of the fireworks disaster in Enschede in which a whole neighborhood got wiped out and many people died . Flags are flying at half mast . I hope you 're all having a good day . Ciao , Nora Posted by I have chest pains and I have a headache . These are psychosomatic pains . I 'm not having a heart attack and I 'm not having a migraine . It 's just my stress translating itself into physical symptoms . If I were a hypochondriac I would be going to my GP now and demanding all sorts of tests and pills . Luckily , I know the pain is all between my ears . There was a time when I didn 't know that and my stress really did translate itself into physical ailments , such as a dislocated jaw from grinding my teeth , and a herniated disc , and stress induced asthma and a host of other defects . My poor body took the blows that my mind suffered but didn 't register . I rarely have something wrong physically now , but I sure do get screwed up mentally . Except that today I have chest pains and a headache and I think that 's because I 'm trying so desperately to be more cheerful than I am . I want to act like nothing is really wrong , but the thought of having to do the dishes and the laundry defeats me and I can barely think of the thought of having to perform these minor chores . I feel beat before I 've even started them . What I really want to do is sleep some more on the sofa . although I slept another six hours last night . I know that isn 't really enough , but for me that is a lot and I 'm very pleased with myself . I know I need to sleep more and I probably will allow myself the pleasure when I 'm done writing this . I have to , because right now I feel overwhelmed by the details of life , although they are all minor and shouldn 't have such an impact . To me they seem like insurmountable obstacles that I won 't be able to move out of my way and that hang over my head like so many swords of Damocles . The longer I don 't do anything about them , the worse it gets . I really do need someone in my life to help me take care of these things . I wish I could gather the energy and the courage to take care of them myself , because I know what needs to get done . It 's the carrying out that 's the problem . I 'm good at organizing , I just need to be able to delegate . It 's witPosted by I 'm sitting here in my jeans and a long sleeved shirt with my boots on and a scarf around my neck . I have the heater turned up , but I still feel cold . Outside the weather isn 't very nice either . It has been overcast and cool all day and I wore my leather jacket when I walked the dog . For some reason , it doesn 't seem to want to become Spring and I read that in some other blogs too . In some places snow is even falling . At least things aren 't as bad here . We just suffer from dreariness , which is bad enough when you would like for it to be a little bit warmer and a little more cheerful . Not that I expect tropical weather , of course . Temperatures around 20C would be very nice . I talked to my psychiatrist this morning . In his opinion I 'm not suffering from a depression in the traditional sense of the word . I am , however , very unstable and he says that I 'm rapid cycling a lot . That means that your moods change from one extreme to another in a relatively short amount of time . Of course , when he said that , I knew he was right , but when I 'm in one mood , I always think I have been in that mood all the time and I forget the other moods . It seems like every time these mood changes happen , I 'm taken by surprise . It is like every time is the first time and I never learn what to do or how to deal with it . I forget everything and almost have to start over again from scratch , unless I am reminded of them by someone else and then all my knowledge comes back to me . Well , not even all of it , bits and pieces of it and I really should reread the textbook every time , but I 'm too mentally exhausted to do it . Something in my memory doesn 't work well and I forget things that are important . I have a hard time storing and retrieving bits of information . I 've always had that problem , my whole life , so it 's not due to the medication . I am rereading novels now that I read 6 or 7 years ago and I have no memory of having read them before . They are like new books to me . So I just go down the list of books I 've already read and read them again . UnlessPosted by I actually slept for six hours last night , I was completely flabbergasted myself . That hasn 't happened in quite a while . I don 't think it means that I 'm done sleeping now . Doubtlessly I 'll need a nap today , but it 's a good beginning . I hope it means that I 'll have more nights like it and maybe even with longer hours . It certainly would be a pleasure . There 's nothing like getting more sleep to get your head straightened out . You can 't do that on a measly three hours . I will try not to sleep too much during the day and save up my sleep for the night . I want to be good and tired when I go to bed tonight . I 'm trying to be cheerful today and I 'm partially succeeding . I have to push away some unpleasant thoughts and concentrate on the moment and not think too far ahead and too much in the past , but if I do that I can almost manage . By the past I mean yesterday . By ahead I mean this afternoon . I really mean I have to live in this moment , although it 's kind of hard . I 'm slightly stressed , because I 'm not sure yet how I 'm going to get my groceries . That 's an unknown and I 'm waiting to hear from the Exfactor who may or may not be having motorcycle problems . If not , he may be able to do them for me . I may have to do them myself and for that I will have to build up a lot of courage . That 's going to take me some time . I also have to do chores , because the domestic help is coming this afternoon . Needless to say . I haven 't done much these last few days and I do have to put some things to order . My psychiatrist is calling me at 10 o ' clock this morning . I have a lot to discuss with him , especially the effect that the extra anti psychotic is having on me . Actually , I would like to cancel today or already be at the end of it . It 's a little bit too complicated for me . I 'm not quite up to the task , which goes to show you that I 'm really not okay yet and that I can act cheerful , but that it 's a hot air balloon . So you see , I 'm not living in the moment very much . Actually , nothing much has changed . It 's just a different day with different ePosted by After having been up practically all night , I slept on the sofa for a while in the morning under the yellow fleece blanket with my bathrobe and my socks on . I didn 't sleep long , because I was too sad for it . I was too sad to sleep . I woke up at nine o ' clock and made myself some coffee . I turned on the computer and read some emails , but they started me crying almost immediately , and I turned the computer off . I don 't even remember now which emails they were , but I seem to be very sensitive to emails right now , especially those pertaining to my blog . I sat crying on the sofa for a while until I was done with that , but when the Exfactor got here , I started all over again . It seems that is about all I can do anymore , is cry . The tears just roll down my face spontaneously , without any effort . The Exfactor stayed until he had to leave to go to work . That brought on more tears from me , although I certainly did not beg him to stay . I wouldn 't do a thing like that . Things got worse in the afternoon and in my mind 's eye I saw myself break every piece of furniture in the living room . I called the crisis line , but was told they were unavailable , because they were dealing with an emergency and it could take an hour . An hour is a long time when you are going through a crisis yourself and I had to find a way to calm down , so I took an extra anti psychotic . I have the discretion to do that if I think I need one . It was working within half an hour and I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up a while ago . I don 't feel like crying now . The anti psychotics were reduced not too long ago from 6 mg to 4 mg and I wonder if that is part of the reason why I am having a hard time ? It is a question I will have to ask my psychiatrist tomorrow . There were a lot of emails in my in box just now and I started to answer them , but was defeated by the task . Sometimes it 's all just too much and I don 't know how to handle all of it . At least not in the state of mind I 'm in , which is one of sadness and frustration , amongst other things . As I speak now , at thiPosted by It 's starting to be the early hours of the morning , but I have been up since the early hours of the night and the peace and quiet remind me why I like to be up at this time . The advancing hours make me acutely aware of how little time there is left until daylight . I know I really need to be asleep now in order to live a healthy life , but I will miss these hours at night when I sit here by myself and I can pretend that all is well with the world and with me . I find it difficult to know what to discuss on this blog . I feel like the whole world is watching me and judging me . I have thought about not blogging at all , but I would miss it too much , because I always feel the need to write down my thoughts and to get feedback , but suddenly it all seems much more complicated now and I know that you can expect any kind of reaction , not necessarily the one you are waiting for . I 'm suffering from a depression and have been for a long time . That was why I wanted to be on the other medication that didn 't work out . I got the feeling that the medication I was taking for my depression wasn 't working , but when the new medication didn 't work out , I went back to the old medication that I thought wasn 't working . I don 't know the reason for this . It is something I have to discuss with my psychiatrist when he calls me on Monday . There is obviously a kink in the cable . Until I get this depression sorted out , I 'm pushing a stone uphill . The Exfactor came by yesterday evening . He helped me make a short list of things to discuss with my psychiatrist . He is going to come by again this morning to see how I am . I am not well . I called the crisis line and talked to a psychiatrist . I don 't really know if it helped . I said I would call back today if it was necessary . I don 't know if it does me any good , but when you hit bottom , you think it does . Ciao , Nora Because of what I considered to be unpleasant and unhelpful comments , I have deleted the new blog and resurrected the old blog . It is my hope that nobody will be aware of that and that I can blog in peace and quiet . I tried to start a new blog , but Blogger was being difficult about my identity and wanted to send a verification code to my mobile phone . That was too much of a hassle to me . I hope that by now everybody had forgotten about this blog and that no one has bookmarked it anymore . It 's my experience that it 's better not to write for an audience , but to just sit here and write my thoughts down as if no one is reading them and to expect no comments in return . People get the wrong impression from you easily through your writing and you have to be careful what you say . After having been up most of the night , I finally went to sleep at about 8 o ' clock in the morning and slept until 1 pm , only to wake up in a terribly depressed mood , which did not improve when I read the comments to my latest post on my other blog . My world fell apart . I cried for hours . Even now I don 't know what to do , except keep myself safe from as many outside influences as possible and try to find my own way through the swamp that is my mind . That is , with the help of my psychiatrist and my SPN , but they are not available now . Right now I 'm on my own and I have to be a tough cookie to get through this weekend . It 's hard to have the domestic help and the personal helper in my life . I feel that I should not let them down , but I hardly have the energy to keep them happy . I 'm being accused of dramatizing my life , so I guess I had better watch what I say . I would like to live my life without any help at all , but I think it is not possible , because if I chose for that , I would be accused of boycotting the effort to help me . I only know that as time passes , I seem to be getting worse instead of better . I find it harder to stand in the world by myself and I feel godawful lonely . I have no illusions of that changing . I find it difficult to know what tPosted by |
Here 's a story that I 've decided to post in sections . I can 't get it out of my mind and it 's getting in the way of my other works so I 'll add chapters to it from time to time . Call it therapy if you like . Hi . My name 's Trace Petti and I 'm the last man on Earth . Well , make that the last surviving human being on Earth . That I know of anyway . I say that because everybody I ever knew is dead now . Even the people I didn 't know , and that would mean the whole population of Stonelake , are all dead and rotting in the streets . But it doesn 't stop there . The last time the TV worked a special report was broadcast on all the channels to let anyone who was still alive know that most of the world population was either dead or dying . I 'd like to say that it was because of all the radiation from the nukes that were fired at the invading alien space ships . The aliens were killed alright , but all that radioactive fallout turned most of the people into flesh eating zombies . Then , when the zombies had killed off all the regular people , giant monsters came out of the oceans and ate up all the zombies . It all started about three weeks ago , when a massive sinkhole seventy - two blocks in diameter swallowed up downtown Chicago . I know it was that big because that 's what the TV reporter had said . And it happened in broad daylight too . There were hundreds of videos all over the internet showing the buildings disappearing into the earth . Estimates were all over the place , but the best guess was that it was about a mile deep , so there was no hope of finding any survivors . It was a huge mess trying to evacuate all the remaining people as well . I think more people died in the packed streets and highways than were killed in the collapsed part of the city . For two days the sinkhole in Chicago was all anybody talked about until a second one appeared just outside of Houston , Texas , and a third one near Devon in the UK . That really made everybody start to panic . There were murders and suicides and raping and looting everywhere . And it only got worse . Five days after the first sinkhole appeared the news reported that scientists had counted over 14 , 000 massive sinkholes all over the world . And according to the scientists that were being interviewed on TV the satellite images indicated that there was no recognizable pattern to the holes . They said that not only was this unprecedented in all of human history , but that they didn 't have a clue as to what was causing the ground to collapse . Some holes opened up near populated areas and others in the middle of nowhere . Some were close to fault lines and others were hundreds of miles away from any unstable geological sites . About the only thing they were certain of was that the holes were very wide and very , very deep . The internet got clogged with chatter about it being the end of the world . Old forums couldn 't handle the load so new forums popped up every day . It seemed like everybody had their own theory , and everything from religious prophecies to a black hole being caught in the middle of the Earth was claimed to be the only explanation . The hardcore sceptics had a hard time countering so many wild ideas because even they didn 't know what was really happening . Connection times got so slow that I couldn 't read my email . It sucked . But then the holes just stopped happening . Six days after the first sinkhole no more appeared anywhere . After waiting a few days - - I guess to be on the safe side - - the scientists and geologists and whoever - else set up camps near the holes with truck loads of high tech equipment . I got to see this first hand because a sinkhole had opened up right next to Stonelake , my home town . Everybody had been evacuated days before , but I hung around ; living in a tent in the wooded hills nearby . I kept my distance while I watched them do their scientific tests and measurements , but after a couple of days of the same old routine I got board and decided to move on . On the morning of the third day I was packing up my stuff to leave when I heard shouts coming from the camp . When I walked over to the spot I 'd always watched from I instantly saw what had everybody excited . There was something that looked like a fog floating up out of the sinkhole . It looked just like the fog that 's made with dry ice that 's used in cheep horror movies and old rock videos , with the exception that it was a dark , sickly green color . Everyone in the camp was freaking out as this dark fog flowed out across the ground . I saw one guy struggling to put on a gas mask , while everybody else jumped in their cars and trucks and drove off like maniacs . The guy with the gas mask walked over to the fog and tried to collect some of it in a jar , but as soon as he got near he just collapsed to the ground and was covered up by it . I couldn 't say if he was dead or not , but there was no way I was going to go down there to find out . So , I quickly shoved a few things in my backpack and started up the hill . I figured that since the fog was staying close to the ground my best bet would be to keep climbing up as high as possible . After a day 's walk I made it to a truck stop . When I went inside I found everybody staring at the news report on the TV . Apparently the green fog I saw near Stonelake was coming out of all the sinkholes all around the world at the same time . The clips of the aerial footage they showed really creeped me out . The fog was pouring out like a huge green blob and covering everything in it 's path , and any living thing that touched it just fell down and was swallowed up by it . Now , I have to admit that I 'm not the most observant guy in the world , because even though I 'd seen the fog for myself from a couple hundred yards away I hadn 't realized what the newscaster pointed out next . He said that even in areas with strong winds it had been observed that the fog never rose more than two feet off the ground . He also said that the fog just kept on flowing in all directions regardless of which way the wind was blowing . I knew this was true because I had noticed a strong breeze that morning while packing up my gear , yet the fog hadn 't been disturbed by it . In fact , the breeze was at the gas mask guy 's back when the fog got him . If it was like a normal fog it should have been blown away from him by the breeze and not have been able to cover him up . Anyway , we were all so mesmerized by the newscast that the sound of an old red Trans Am suddenly screeching to a stop out front made everybody jump . We all just turned around and watched as the driver , a real nice looking blonde chick , came running into the diner and started freaking out . She was crying and yelling something about the green fog having killed her boyfriend and her two cats , and saying that the fog was going to get us all if we didn 't get the hell out of there . Right then , I felt kind of stupid not being the one to have warned everybody first . But in all honesty , I think her hysterics made the point better than I could have done ; me not being much of a drama queen to begin with . As the girl went on with her sobbing and half - coherent warnings some guy looked out one of the windows and started shouting that he could see the fog approaching in the distance . This was enough to make everybody panic and haul ass out of the diner like a bunch of rats running out of a burning building . I used that analogy because when I was a kid my uncle 's barn caught fire and I watched what looked like thousands of rats scurry out to safety . And I know I 'm getting off track here , but since I don 't know how to work this recorder that last part is going to have to stay in . In less than a minute the place was completely empty except for myself and Lyla . Oh , Lyla was the girl 's name who was crying about her boyfriend and telling everybody to leave . She told me her name during the car ride - - but now I 'm getting way ahead of myself . So after everyone had left , I walked over to Lyla and offered her some coffee . She looked at me like I was crazy , but I knew the fog wasn 't going to reach the diner , at least not for another day or two . I 'd watched for it the whole time I was making my way to the highway and I noticed that the hills I had just crossed were holding it back , kind of like a dam or levee . When she turned down the coffee I asked her where she was headed to . She started talking about wanting to die because her boyfriend was dead and she didn 't have anything else to live for and a bunch of other nonsense . It didn 't take much to snap her out of that attitude , however . I asked her if , since she was just going to lay down and die , she would let me take her car . That really p * ssed her off , and after giving me the finger she stomped out of the diner . I followed her to her car and asked nicely if she would at least give me a ride to wherever she was planning to go . She got in the car without saying a word and locked all the doors . I was certain that she was going to drive off and leave me there , but after sitting and staring at me for a while she decided to let me in . I almost regretted having climbed into the car when she peeled out of the lot and sped down the highway without any regard to the rushing traffic . We really didn 't talk much during our four hour drive . Besides her name , I found out that she had moved to Stonelake to attend the small college there . That 's where she had met Ron , the guy who was killed by the fog . They had hooked up a year ago , and it turned out he was the one who had given her the kittens that grew up to be her precious cats , which were also killed by the fog . Now that I think about it , Lyla talked more about her cats during that whole time than anyone or anything else . She did mention that Ron was an amateur song writer , but only after I found his portable multitrack recorder on the floorboard ; the one I 'm now using to record this . And the only other thing she said about him was that the beat - up red Trans Am we were riding in had been his . I really didn 't mind doing most of the listening because I was happy just to have a ride . Lyla never mentioned where we were going , but I was hoping it was somewhere I could at least crash for the night . I hadn 't had enough time to pack my tent when I ran from the fog that morning and I didn 't like the idea of having to sleep outside without shelter . It was around 8 : 30 p . m . when we stopped to gas up the car and get something to eat . Lyla insisted that I pay for everything since , as the way she saw it , she had saved my life by giving me a ride . I never carried any money with me , but I did have a credit card with about $ 200 . 00 left in it . So I decided to use it . I figured that if the world was coming to an end anyway then I wouldn 't have to worry about paying it off . As soon as I agreed to her terms , Lyla got out of the car and started filling the tank with gas . When I asked her if she wanted a deli sandwich she grimaced , then said that she 'd rather just have a soda and a candy bar . The only thing I 'd had in all day was the coffee at the diner , so I decided that I was going to have a couple of sandwiches , no matter how stale they might be . That was my first mistake . While I took my time standing before the deli case trying to decide what I should buy , Lyla had climbed back into the car and had driven off . It wasn 't until the clerk came yelling at me to pay for the gas that I realized what was going on . I hadn 't realized it at the time , but for some reason I 'd brought the small multitrack recorder into the store with me . The clerk - - a short , middle - aged woman wearing glasses that looked like she 'd had them since her high school days - - was yelling at me as though I 'd physically assaulted her . Seriously , she was so upset that I thought she might have a stroke or something . It 's too bad that I hadn 't yet figured out how to work recorder or I would have recorded her insanely shrill , cartoonish voice for prosperity 's sake . Even though I wasn 't the one who had stolen the gas , I still tried to make it up to her by offering her the multitrack as payment . Yeah , I know that sounds kind of stupid now , but after what I 'd gone through that day I wasn 't really thinking straight . When I offered it to her she instantly stopped yelling and flashed me the most confused , WTF look I 've ever seen on anybody 's face in my life . After a few awkward seconds of silence she took out her phone and started calling the police . That 's when I bolted out of the store . Lucky for me the sun was going down and I was able to duck into the shadows between the old abandoned storage buildings next door . Unluckily for me I hadn 't had a chance to grab any of the stale deli sandwiches before running away . I stumbled in the darkness between the storage sheds , tripping over garbage and chunks of broken concrete , until I came across a rusty old two - wheeler . It was just tall enough to help me climb to the top of the shed , where I hid and watched until the State Patrol eventually pulled up to the convenience store . I guess the clerk hadn 't noticed which direction I 'd run to , because after shining their spotlight around the storage sheds a couple times the patrol car turned around and drove off in the opposite direction . Not being in any hurry to go to lockup , I waited a good long while until I felt it was safe to climb off the building . So there I was , feeling like a wanted criminal , with no money or credit , and no mode of transportation other than my two tired and sore feet . And worst of all I was hungry as hell . Judging by the lights in the distance , the off - ramp we 'd taken to the convenience store looked to be only a couple miles away from a small town . But after giving it some thought I decided to take my chances on the interstate and hitch a ride as far away from there as possible . There wasn 't much traffic by the time I 'd reached the highway shoulder , and the longer I walked the thinner it got , until only a random car would pass by now and then . To make things more difficult , night had already fallen , which lowered my chances of hitching a ride since most people would be too afraid to pick up a stranger walking in the dark out in the middle of nowhere . So it was no surprise to me that car after car simply passed me by without so much as slowing down , let alone stopping to ask me if I needed any help . I also made the mistake of walking too far away from the street lamps near the off ramp , because after a while all I could see were the approaching headlights . That worried me because I couldn 't tell the difference between a civilian vehicle and a patrol car , and with nowhere to run except out into the prairie I knew I would easily get caught . I must have been a little too tired and hungry , because for some reason I started to imagine Lyla suddenly pulling up next to me and telling me to get into the old Trans Am . She would be dressed in a black skin tight outfit like the kind that hot chicks wear in action movies . I 'd get in the car , then she would drive me to her secret hideaway somewhere out in the prairie . As she drove she would tell me that she was a secret government agent sent to investigate the hole that had opened up next to Stonelake . After we 'd get to her hideaway she would . . . I mean , we would . . . And now that I think back to that night , I think it 's the first time I noticed the weird glow in the sky . I know there weren 't any clouds overhead because the stars were clearly visible . But even so , it looked like the atmosphere had an orangish - red tint to it . It was kind of like when there 's a brush or forest fire and the smoke makes the sky look strange at night . The big difference was that there was no fire anywhere and I could see the glow no matter which direction I looked . I didn 't know it at the time , but that 's when things really started to go down hill for old planet Earth . I must have walked for another three hours before a pickup finally pulled over and honked . I jogged to the passenger side door just as the driver had finished lowering it 's window . The driver looked to be an older man , maybe in his late forties or early fifties , with a friendly grin and a hefty beer gut . By the look of his clothes and the unmistakable odor of straw and hay coming from the truck bed I figured that he had to be a ranch owner , or at least worked for one . With a raspy voice he asked me where I was going . I wasn 't quite sure how to answer his question . I could never go back to my home town since it no longer existed . And the only reason I was in the position I was in was because I 'd hoped that Lyla would have offered me a place to stay , even if it was for only a night or two . So the best I could come up with was , " Any place but here . " This was the second time I 'd managed to hitch a ride in less than twelve hours . As I climbed into the passenger seat I hoped that this time I wouldn 't end up in any more trouble . The guy looked friendly enough , but then again , I hadn 't expected Lyla to do what she 'd done either . After we were on our way down the highway the old guy introduced himself as Dave . I thanked him for giving me a lift and told him that my name was Trace . I assumed that he must have been kind of hard of hearing because from then on he kept referring to me as Jess . But I didn 't mind . I was just happy that I didn 't have to walk alone anymore down that dark , creepy highway . Dave wasn 't in much of a talkative mood , and by that time I was so tired that I quickly dozed off . The sun was barely starting to rise when I woke up . Dave had pulled off the highway and was driving into the parking lot of a waffle house . The moment I saw the posters in the windows advertising various breakfast items my stomach began to growl loudly . Dave asked me if I would join him for breakfast and I immediately said yes . Then I remembered that I no longer had my wallet with me . He must have read the look on my face just then , because before I had a chance to tell him that I didn 't have any money he quickly said , " Okay . My treat . " Normally I would have felt embarrassed , because ever since I was young I had learned to rely solely on myself , and I hated the idea of having to depend on any kind of charity . But at that moment I decided to swallow my pride and accept whatever help I could get . I had still intended to tell Dave that I would pay him back for his kindness , but before I said a word he opened his door and hopped out of the truck . Silently , I followed him inside the restaurant . The moment we walked in , the woman standing behind the checkout counter smiled warmly and said to Dave , " It 's about time you decided to come back and pay us a visit . " Dave walked over , gave her a friendly kiss on the cheek and started chatting away . I was too busy smelling the aromas of the various foods to pay any attention to their conversation , but whatever they were talking about , it was apparent that they knew each other quite well . After they finished exchanging pleasantries the woman picked up two menus and handed them to a young waitress who had just stepped up the counter . Dave then whispered something about his favorite table to the waitress and that made her giggle . Despite his age and appearance I began to wonder if old Dave wasn 't some kind of local ladies man . Once we were seated at the table , I was tempted to make a joke about Dave 's slick way with the ladies . But after giving it some thought I chose not risk insulting him and losing out on a hot meal . The young waitress handed a menu to Dave first , then handed the second one to me with a wink . She was about to ask me what I wanted to drink when Dave quickly ordered her to bring a pot of regular coffee . After writing the order down in her pad she looked at me once again and asked if I wanted anything else . I was going to ask for a glass of OJ , when I noticed the look on Dave 's face . I instantly took that look to mean that even though he was willing to pay for my meal I shouldn 't feel free to take advantage of his generosity . So with a smile , I told the waitress that just the coffee would be fine . Before she walked away , the young waitress said that she would bring us the coffee and give us a minute or two to look through the menu . After the waitress brought the coffee I waited politely for Dave to fill his cup before serving myself . Dave took a couple sips , then casually asked me where I was from . When I replied that I was from Stonelake he said that he thought the whole town had been swallowed up by the sinkhole . I told him that it had opened up at the edge of town , but nonetheless everyone had been evacuated . I then asked him if he 'd seen or heard about the strange green fog that had oozed out of all the huge sinkholes that had opened up around the world . I was surprised to hear that he hadn 't seen or heard anything about it . I was about to tell him what I 'd seen happen to the guy with the gas mask when the waitress returned to take our orders . It must have been due to my hunger , because everything on the menu looked so good that I was having trouble trying to decide what I wanted to eat . The solution I came up with was to ask Dave for his recommendation . He suggested that I try the Wagon Wheel Scrambler ; a skillet with scrambled eggs , ham , sausage , hash browns , green peppers and fried onions . It sounded great to me so that 's what I chose to order . I didn 't catch the name of the dish that Dave ordered , but it was similar to mine , with the inclusion of a huge plate of pancakes and Texas Toast . As you can probably guess , I thoroughly enjoyed my meal . After Dave left a generous tip on the table and gave the woman at the counter a goodbye kiss , he and I walked out of the restaurant . As we got to the pickup , I thanked him for the meal and told him that I planned to hang around and look for a job in town . But apparently old Dave was still in a generous mood . With what I can only describe as a fatherly grin , Dave told me that I 'd be more than welcome to come work on his ranch . He said that he could only afford to pay me minimum wage , but he 'd be happy to let me stay there rent free until I got on my feet again . Being without money or a place to stay , I quickly accepted his offer . We shook hands , then I walked around the pickup and climbed in . This bit made me smile . I wondered when you were going to introduce one of your famous twists to the story . Now you 've got me wondering ! I 'm enjoying this and look forward to Part 3 Share this post This bit made me smile . I wondered when you were going to introduce one of your famous twists to the story . Now you 've got me wondering ! I 'm enjoying this and look forward to Part 3 Wait no more SW 1 person likes this Dave slowly drove out of the parking lot , but instead of heading towards the highway on - ramp he turned onto the street leading into town . When I asked him where we were going he said that he needed to pick up some supplies from the co - op store ; supplies that he couldn 't obtain closer to where he lived . That struck me as more than a little odd , because every co - op store that I knew of only sold goods that could be found just about anywhere else . This piqued my curiosity and I wouldn 't feel comfortable until I saw for myself what was so special about the co - op store we were headed for . Once , while we were stopped at a red light , I thought I had spotted Lyla 's Trans Am parked outside what appeared to be a run down motel about a - half block away . But after straining my neck to get a good look , I realized that it was just another old red clunker . I tried telling myself ( silently in my mind ) that the best thing I could do for myself would be to forget about her . I reasoned that either she was still trying to make her way back to wherever she 'd come from ( a place that she 'd never mentioned to me ) , or that she 'd chosen to stick to her original plan and had actually committed suicide . Wherever or however she ended up , I had to accept the fact that she was long gone and more than likely I would never see her again . It wasn 't long before we reached our destination . Since the store wouldn 't be open for at least another hour , Dave took the opportunity to park the pickup directly in front of the building . He asked me if I had any experience being around horses . Feeding them . Cleaning up stables . I told him I had grown up around horses on my uncle 's ranch and that he had taught me everything about taking care of them . Dave said that he would like to meet my uncle someday , but told him that that wouldn 't be possible , since my uncle had died about four years ago . Dave went silent after that and bowed his head as though out of some sort of respect for a fellow rancher . Personally , I thought it was strange that he should feel that way , especially since he never knew my uncle . But then , my uncle had certain ways that I never quite understood either . Dave didn 't say much after that , so we spent the time waiting for the store to open in relative silence . I did try to start a conversation a couple of times , but in each instance Dave would give me a short reply , then look around as though he were trying to spot someone . Eventually , a woman walked up to the front door of the co - op store . She looked to be about forty - ish , and seemed way overdressed to be a simple clerk . The moment she unlocked the front door she looked directly at Dave and signaled to him . I was about to climb out of the truck when Dave stopped me and told me to stay behind . He said that he had some valuable supplies in the back of the truck and he 'd appreciate it if I kept an eye on them . I told him that I wouldn 't mind at all . He then climbed from the truck and disappeared into the store . Just after Dave left I rolled the window down and kicked back in my seat . That 's when I noticed a weird odor in the air . At first , I thought it was just the smell of old hay and straw coming from the back of the truck . But after a while , it grew stronger and more rancid . Even though Dave had parked in front of the store , there was no shade overhead , and the longer the sun shown down on the truck the worse the odor got . There was no mistaking the smell ; it was the smell of exposed internal organs , like those that had burst out of an animal that had been run over by a large vehicle . I wondered if Dave had accidentally run over a squirrel or a cat or some other small creature . But as the truck heated up , the stench became too powerful to be coming from any small roadkill . Curious to find the source of the stench , I climbed out of the truck to have a look around . That 's when I discovered that it was coming from the truck bed . I peered over the edge and saw a thick plastic tarp wrapped around three objects the size of large gunnysacks . The tarp appeared to have been exposed from beneath a pile of straw by the rush of air during the drive down the highway . Whatever Dave had carelessly stashed back there was quickly beginning to petrify in the hot sun . I 'd assumed that he was taking animal remains to be disposed of somewhere , though why he didn 't just leave them on his property was beyond me . After all , that 's something that most ranchers I knew growing up would have done . I was about to reach in and lift the corner of the tarp to have a look underneath when Dave came walking out of the store , speaking to the woman who had let him in . As he stood distracted by her , I quickly moved toward the front of the truck and leaned against the fender , acting as though I hadn 't noticed the increasingly nauseating odor permeating the air . I couldn 't quite make out what they were talking about , but the woman seemed to be upset . Dave , on the other hand , would occasionally chuckle at whatever she was saying to him . After a moment or two , the woman stomped back into the store in a huff . That 's when Dave turned around and saw me leaning against the truck . I couldn 't say why at the time , but for some reason the look on his face gave me a chill , even though his voice sounded friendly when he said , " Well , Jess , you ready to go to work ? " I kind of half smiled as I replied , " Ready when you are , boss , " thinking it would be best if I didn 't correct his mistake regarding my name . After I got back into the truck I noticed that the only thing Dave had with him was a small plastic bag . After all the trouble he had taken to drive to this particular store , I had imagined him to at least walk out with a dolly full of supplies or farm implements . But whatever he had in the bag had to be no larger than a can of motor oil , or perhaps an automotive distributor . I watched nonchalantly from the corner of my eye as he placed the bag in the back of the truck , then climbed in . Without saying another word , he started up the truck and drove onto the street heading back to the highway ramp . After traveling for three hours or so , we passed by the exit leading to the convenience store that Lyla had stolen the gas from . As we drove by , I leaned back into my seat and pretended to scratch an itch on my forehead in order to cover my face with my hand . I know it was silly of me , since the store wasn 't in direct line of sight from the highway ( and even if it had been , no one there could have spotted me inside of Dave 's truck ) . But I was still a little shaken by the experience from the night before , and I didn 't want to take any chances . At least another hour went by until Dave finally turned off the highway onto a bumpy dirt road leading into the prairie . The truck bounced along the road for a few hundred yards before we drove up to an old tattered gate made of rotting wood and barbed wire . Dave stopped about a foot away from the gate , then tapped me on the arm . That was his way of telling me to get off the truck and open the gate , which I did without question . The first thing I saw was that the latch was on Dave 's side of the truck . Since he had parked so close to the sharp , rusty wire , I decided that rather than trying to squeeze in between the grill and the gate , I 'd simply run around the back of the truck to the other side . The moment I stepped behind the truck bed the nasty odor hit me once again . This time it was stronger than ever . As I rounded the corner to the driver 's side of the truck I spotted Dave 's reflection glaring at me from the side mirror . I got the impression that he was studying me closely to assess any reaction I might have to the terrible smell . I had meant to ask him about what he had hidden beneath the tarp during our drive down the highway , but after seeing the look on his face as he watched me jog around the truck , I felt somewhat relieved that I hadn 't mentioned a word about it . Doing my best to cover my revulsion , I ignored Dave 's gaze as I passed by his window . After struggle a little with the wire latch , I managed to push the gate open . Dave drove the truck onto the property , then stopped a few feet away ; allowing me to close and latch the gate shut . As I climbed back into the truck Dave turned to me and asked me if I was ready for lunch . I told him that I wouldn 't mind a small bite to eat . He laughed . Then he told me that I would need more than just a bite to eat if I expected to have enough stamina for the work he had planned for me . I didn 't want to tell him that the smell from the back of the truck had me on the verge of vomiting up my half digested breakfast , so I just smiled and agreed with him . Thankfully , it wasn 't a long drive to his home . I was surprised when we drove up to the huge , two - story house surrounded by tall oak trees , which was standing in what was pretty much the middle of nowhere . The house was so large that it dwarfed the stable located just to the West of it . There was a wide , well kept lawn extending from the front that was dotted with ornate statues of horses and other common animals . That was not what I had pictured Dave living in . I had imagined him staying in a modest , but clean ranch house , with maybe a wife tending to her little vegetable garden off to one side . But this house was big enough to hold an entire family and then some . It hadn 't occurred to me that old Dave might have been a family man . We drove around to the back , where Dave parked the truck in front of a huge , freestanding , two - car garage . Dave then instructed me to walk around the house and wait for him by the front door while he ' took care of some things ' . I did as I was told , holding my breath until I was far enough away from the awful smell coming from the truck bed . I waited for around fifteen minutes until Dave eventually opened the front door from within . He welcomed me inside , then told me to have a seat in the living room while he washed up in order to prepare something to eat . Without thinking , as I followed him through the foyer I asked him if his wife would be joining us . He suddenly stopped and went absolutely silent . I felt like kicking myself for having been so presumptuous . For all I knew he could have been divorced , or his wife had died , or maybe he was simply gay . Whatever the case , however , I felt as though I had insulted him deeply somehow . But then he turned and looked at me . His face looked sallow , as though all the blood had suddenly drained from it . His expression was blank , and his right eye would twitch occasionally as he gazed at me . I wasn 't sure if he was having a stroke and I should call for help , or if I should run away from him as fast as I could . Just as I asked him if he was okay , his eyes started to blink , and the color began to return to his face . Then he made me jump with a boisterous laugh . He began talking normally , as if that brief episode had never happened . In a gruff , but calm voice he explained that his wife was spending some time with their two children in Emerson and wouldn 't be back for at least a week . He then told me to make myself at home as he headed up the staircase . I have to tell you , by that time I wasn 't sure if I should hang around anymore . The guy had treated me nice enough , but after what I 'd just witnessed I knew something weird was going on with old Dave . I thought about just walking away and going back to the highway to hitch another ride , but my main concern was that I didn 't have any money , or even a damn sleeping bag to sleep in . I walked into the living room , which was very well furnished , and sat down on the plush couch . I didn 't want to turn on his TV without his permission , so I just looked out the window instead . The first thing I noticed were the dark clouds approaching from the horizon . Being familiar with this part of the country , I knew the rest of the day would be sunny , but more than likely there would be a storm overhead by evening . That settled it . I decided that it wouldn 't hurt to spend at least one night in Dave 's house . It wasn 't long before a mouthwatering aroma was making it 's way from the kitchen . The smell was so pleasing that it made me completely forget about the horrible stench in the back of the truck . The meal Dave came up with was surprisingly good . It consisted of grilled brauts with homemade fries and sliced fresh tomatoes ( okay , so I like tomatoes ) . Dave was jovial the whole time and showed no signs of the unsettling episode he 'd experienced earlier . I 'd decided to let that moment slide and forget about the strange look that had come over his face . I mean , maybe he had some condition that made him get that way once in a while ? I used to know a guy who would zone out in a similar way because of seizures . And if there was something wrong with Dave , I wasn 't going to pry , because it really wasn 't any of my business . Besides , if there was something he wanted me to know I was sure that he would have told me about it . After lunch Dave put me to work unloading bales of straw from a flatbed trailer he had parked next to the stable . The work was hard , but nothing that I wasn 't used to . What struck me odd , though , was the fact that I was the only one there . Usually a rancher would hire at lease a half dozen guys for a job like this , that is , if they wanted it finished in one day . So the way I figured it , either Dave was strapped for cash and couldn 't afford to hire any more hands , or he was simply in no hurry to get the bales unloaded . I 'd been working for about an hour when I noticed something else that seemed a little off . The whole time I 'd been near the stable I hadn 't seen or heard a single horse . There were enough stalls to hold at least ten horses , yet they all appeared to be empty . There was also a small horse van parked away from the stable that , at first glance , appeared to be normal . But after a closer look I discovered that a number of extra latches with heavy locks had been clumsily bolted to the rear doors . There were so many , in fact , that it actually looked comical . I began to wonder if Dave was actually a rancher , or just some guy who had recently bought the property and wanted to get into raising horse . Just the same , I kept on working , hoping that he 'd at least pay me for the job . Eventually , Dave joined me , and between the two of us we somehow managed to get nearly half of the flatbed unloaded right before evening rolled around . As I 'd guessed earlier , by that time there was a nasty thunderstorm looming overhead . We managed to get to the house just as a heavy downpour of hail began slamming down around us . The first thing Dave asked me was if I was hungry . Even though unloading and stacking the bales had given me a good workout , I still felt sated by what I 'd had for lunch , so I asked him if I could just take a shower instead . He tried to convince me to join him for some leftover stew from the previous day , but eventually gave up and told me that I could use the shower upstairs . He also offered me the use of his washer and drier to wash my clothes . That was something that I appreciated greatly , since the clothes I was wearing was all that I had ( plus the fact that even if he had offered me some of his own clean clothes to wear they never would have fit me ) . As soon as Dave had brought me a bathrobe , I went to the up stairs bathroom , quickly undressed and jumped in the shower . The sound of the thunder outside was deafening , and once in a while flashes of lightening would light up the entire room through the window . I 'd heard of people being electrocuted while taking a shower during lightening storms , but there was no way I was going to go to bed as grungy as I was after working all day by the stable . Once I was clean again , I put on the robe , grabbed my filthy clothes and went down stairs to the washroom . I threw the small bundle into the machine with some detergent , turned the washer on , then joined Dave in the living room , where he was watching some old movie on TV . I noticed that he hadn 't made anything to eat and he was still in his dirty work clothes . Thinking that he might be tired and was just taking a rest I decided not to mention it . I sat down on the same couch as before and asked Dave why he wasn 't watching the news . After a few moments of silence he turned to me and said that he had no interest in what was going on with the world . That seemed a little weird to me , considering that we were only about thirty miles away from the sinkhole that had opened up next to Stonelake . It was then that I realized I had forgotten about the strange fog that had poured out of the hole and had cover the entire area . I had seen the movie Dave was watching before and I knew it was about to end , so I asked him if it would be okay to change to the news channel once the movie was over . Again he took his time before answering me . He said that it would be okay , but also that he had no interest in watching it . He then quickly changed the subject and told me that I could sleep in one of the spare bedrooms upstairs . He said that he had intended to let me stay in the small room above the garage , but since it was raining so hard outside it would be better if I just stayed in the house . I thanked him for that , then leaned back into the couch and watched the rest of the movie . Just as the movie was ending , I got up and went to check on my laundry . The washer had finished it 's cycle , so I pulled out my clothes and threw them into the dryer . I was about to set the timer when there was a loud clap of thunder , followed by all of the power going out . Dave cursed from the other room , then told me to wait where I was until he would retrieve a flashlight from the kitchen . I didn 't feel like stumbling around in the dark so I told him that I didn 't have a problem waiting around . I could hear him mumbling curses as he made his way to the kitchen . Then I heard him make a strange sound . It was like a half cough , half gurgling noise , as though he were choking on something . I called out to Dave , asking if he was alright . He didn 't reply , so I called out again . When I heard him fall to the floor I realized that there was something seriously wrong with him . I made my way out of the washroom and slowly walked towards the kitchen , guiding myself by running my hand along the wall . The occasional flashes of lightening outside helped by illuminating the nearly pitch dark interior of the house . I finally heard Dave moaning as though in pain and used the sound to get to where he was . As my eyes slowly adjusted to the darkness , I could see him kneeling on the floor holding tightly onto his left arm . The first thing that came to my mind was that he might be having a heart attack . I asked him if he was okay , but this time he yelled , " Stay away from me ! " The cry of pain he suddenly let out gave me a chill , because his voice seemed completely different than before ; more guttural and burbling . I told him that he needed help as soon as possible , but he just remained on the floor groaning in agony . When the lightening flashed through the kitchen window I spotted the flashlight lying on the floor a couple feet away from him . Since he had apparently dropped it when he had his attack , all I could do was hope that it hadn 't broken from the fall . I made my way around the counter , picked it up and switched it on . As I shined the light on Dave , what I saw made me shudder with revulsion . His entire left arm had become a quivering green mass of writhing veins and pustules . What were once his fingers now looked like disjointed talons that curled and swayed in all directions as though the bones inside them had become fluid . There looked to be a gelatinous glop flowing through the nearly transparent veins that seemed to move on their own under a thin layer of greenish skin . As I watched in horror , one of the pustules burst open , spewing out a disgusting , viscus liquid that burned through his skin as though it was some kind of acid . It took me a few moments before I regained my senses enough to ask him where the phone was . I told him that I needed to call for help because he really wasn 't looking all that good . Dave slowly looked up at me and tried to speak , but all he could do was mouth the words . I felt so sorry for him , but there was no way I was going to get any closer . I shined the light around the room until I spotted an old cordless phone . I would have immediately reached for it had Dave not been kneeling directly in front of the counter where it sat . Suddenly Dave started to painfully climb to his feet . I took a few steps back , glancing around for a possible escape route just in case he would attack me for whatever reason . As he stood swaying before me he slowly pointed to the back door with his good arm . Then in a strange voice he said , " You have to burn them ! " At that moment Dave had another spasm of pain and clutched onto his left arm . More of the pustules were bursting open , and the gunk that was pouring from them was literally eating his arm away . I wanted desperately to help the poor man so I grabbed a nearby dish towel and took a step forward . Dave once again growled at me to stay away from him . Fighting against the pain , he reached into his pocket , pulled out a set of keys and tossed them onto the counter . " They 're in the horse van , " he said . " There 's a five gallon can of gas in the garage . Just set the whole van on fire . But make sure they burn with it ! " Before I could say anything he turned away and began staggering towards the living room . When I tried to follow him to light his way with the flashlight he turned and growled , " Just do what I said ! " He then walked off into the darkness . I shined the light on the keys and noticed that they were covered with some of the slimy goop from Dave 's left arm . I couldn 't be sure if what he 'd told me was due to delirium , or if there was , in fact , something in the horse van that he was completely terrified of and wanted destroyed . I wasn 't about to touch those keys , but I was also curious to see what he had locked away in the van . That said , I can 't say that this next chapter will be any more appetizing . No worries . . . . I put my tea and bikkiies to one side this time . . . . . . really ! Part 4 but I was also curious to see what he had locked away in the van . Me too ! but I dread to think what 's in there . . . . . . I 'm enjoying this story How many parts does it have left to go ? No worries . . . . I put my tea and bikkiies to one side this time . . . . . . really ! That made me lol . I think I should post warnings from now on . It 's well over eighty - five hundred words long already and it 's not even half way . So more than likely it 's going to be a full novel . I guess that would make it a UM first , at least for being a work from a single author . It 's well over eighty - five hundred words long already and it 's not even half way . So more than likely it 's going to be a full novel . I guess that would make it a UM first , at least for being a work from a single author . The moment Dave left the room I walked over and picked up the phone . I pressed the talk button and raised the receiver to my ear , but there was no dial tone . At first , I thought I had found myself in a real life version of the old horror movie cliche . You know the one , where the storm has knocked out all the phone lines ? But after pressing a few more buttons I realized that the phone 's battery was dead . I wasn 't going to bother asking Dave if he had a cell phone since he had made it clear that I should stay away from him . So , I figured that my only alternative was to walk out to the van and see what had him so scared . Since the rain was still pouring outside ( and because I wasn 't about to go out there in just a bathrobe ) , I decided to take my wet clothes from the dryer and put them on . After getting dressed in the washroom I headed out the back door towards the garage . Luckily the garage doors weren 't locked , so I let myself in and looked around until I found a crowbar . Checking to make sure the flashlight was in working order , I walked out into the rain and headed straight for the horse van . The thunder storm had begun to move away , which made me feel somewhat relieved , since I didn 't want to get struck by lightening just because of my insatiable curiosity . As soon as I reached the horse van I was assaulted by an all too familiar stench ; it was the same putrid odor that I 'd smelled in the back of Dave 's truck . I knew right then that Dave had stashed the smelly cargo inside the van when he had told me to wait for him at the front door of the house . Not being able to hold back my curiosity any further , I began prying off the latches one by one with the crowbar until I had removed them all . I took a deep breath , then holding the crowbar like a weapon , I pulled the doors open and shined the flashlight inside . At first , I couldn 't understand what I was looking at . There appeared to be three large sacks lying on the floor of the van , and whatever was in them was slowly twisting and curling in an odd and disturbing manner . Occasionally , something resembling an arm or a leg would pushing against the material from within , as though it were trying to tear it 's way out . Their odd movements were so bizarre and unsettling that I couldn 't tell if they were animals or human beings . And , if there were people inside those sacks , I wasn 't about to commit murder by setting them on fire . I felt that I had to do something , but I wasn 't sure what that ' something ' might be . Holding the light steadily on the sack nearest to the door , I held out the crowbar and slowly pushed it into the material . My skin crawled as I heard a low hiss come from within the sack and quickly withdrew from the door . I stood transfixed in the rain as I watched all three sacks suddenly become more animated . Making the situation much worse was the loud gurgling and hissing sounds that began emanating from inside the van . All I could think of at that moment was running to the garage to retrieve the can of gasoline . Then , as quickly as the twitching and groaning had begun , it all came to a eerie stop . The sacks just lay there without so much as a twitch and the only sound I heard was the rain rattling on the roof of the van . The flashlight trembled in my hand as I scanned the light from one motionless lump to the next . A clap of thunder in the distance startled me for a moment , but that wasn 't enough to draw my attention away from the frightening opening before me . Taking a deep breath , I once again stepped closer towards the van , prepared to jump away at the slightest movement . As before , I slowly pushed the crowbar into the sack nearest to the door . This time , whatever was inside of it remained silent and still . I jabbed it several more times just to make sure that it didn 't have any surprises waiting for me , but whatever was encased within didn 't so much as twitch . It was right then that I came to the conclusion old Dave was right ; they had to be burned . The rain soaked mud splashed beneath my feet as I scrambled back to the garage . Reaching the garage doors I nearly slipped and fell as I stepped onto the cement driveway . I was still shaken by what I 'd seen and I knew I had to use my adrenaline rush to complete my task before I 'd lose my courage and run to the highway like a scared little b * * * * . Clutching the full can of gasoline I ran back out into the rainy night . Reaching the open tailgate I noticed that the awful stench was stronger than ever . Struggling to control my nausea , I unscrewed the container 's cap with trembling fingers . I was about to start pouring the gasoline into the van when I heard a splashing sound come from behind me . Quickly setting down the container , I spin around and aimed the flashlight towards the spot where I thought the noise had come from . There was nothing there . I waved the light around the entire area , squinting and straining my eyes as the rain drenched my face , but there was no sign of anything that could have made the sound . Convinced that I was letting my nerves get the best of me , I turn back towards the van and shined the light inside . In the split second it took me to realize that the van was empty , I simultaneously felt something wrap around my right ankle with a powerful grip . I lost my footing and fell back onto the mud with a loud splash . Somehow , I 'd managed to hold onto the flashlight , and when I aimed the light at my leg I was horrified to see what had taken hold of me . At first glance , it looked like a human hand . But after a second or two I noticed that the fingers were smoothly wrapped around my leg as though they had no joints , or bones for that matter . The hand was attached to a wavering , snake - like arm protruding from a hole in one of the sacks that had earlier been in the van . I was instantly reminded of what had happened to poor Dave 's left arm , and began kicking and scraping the hand with my foot until I was free . No sooner had I escaped the clutching hand when I felt another slimy arm wrap around my throat . Using the flashlight as a weapon , I began pounding on the sack that it had emerged from . Every time the flashlight struck I could feel something burst , as though it was filled with large rotting melons , and the sounds it made were like nothing I 'd heard before : the squeal of a crying child mixed with the scream of a Mountain Lion . I was able to pull myself away from the writhing arm , but I 'd damaged the flashlight in the process . I slipped and fell several times until I finally managed to climb to my feet . I stumbled through the darkness , trying my best to keep away from the unseen horrors slithering through cold , muculent mud . By chance , a lightning bolt illuminated the surrounding area , and I spotted the gasoline can sitting undisturbed where I 'd left it . As relieved as I was to discover that fire was still a viable option , there was no way I was going to risk getting caught by going back to retrieve the container . Hearing something slithering closer , I decided to run back to the house in hopes of finding safety , as well as a possible weapon to use against the creeping monstrosities . As I ran in through the backdoor my muddy shoes skidded on the floor and I landed hard on my ass . Clambered back to my feet I quickly bolted the door shut and peered at the backyard through the window . I watched breathlessly until I glimpsed one of the blob - like sacks slithering closer towards the garage . Turning away from the window I started to make my way through the dark , occasionally stumbling against walls and furniture as I went . Eventually , I managed to find the doorway leading into the living room where I 'd last seen Dave . Even though my eyes had become accustomed to the darkness , the room , for the most part , was completely devoid of light , and I got feeling that I was looking into an otherworldly inter - dimensional abyss . I remember shouting , " Dave , we have to get out of here ! " just before something began pounding on the walls from the outside . I couldn 't tell exactly where the sound was coming from , but I got the strangest feeling that it - - or they - - could hear anything I said . Stepping carefully into the dark room I once again spoke to Dave , though at a much lower volume . " We have to leave now , Dave . We have to get you to a hospital . " " Dave , you 're sick . And there 's some * * * * ed up things out there trying to get in the house . I can 't leave you here . . . " With the house now fully illuminated I leaned back against the wall and took in a deep breath . There may have been nightmarish monsters trying to find a way into the house , but at least with the lights on I could feel safe while I looked around for something to use as a weapon . I 'd begun to feel better until I looked over at Dave . . . Instead of a human being leaning against the base of the fireplace there was a pulsing green blob covered with dozens of finger - like appendages moving in all directions . The most horrific looking part of the thing would have been the single human leg being absorbed into the blob had it not been for Dave 's head sitting squarely atop the sickening green mass . Worst of all - - despite his face being hideously distorted - - was the huge grin on Dave 's face . The sight was too much for me to take and I immediately bent forward and began to vomit . I couldn 't stop until I 'd expelled the full contents of my stomach on the carpet . Once I was through , I looked over at Dave through tear filled eyes and watched as the last of his leg disappeared into the green grotesque he 'd become . Then I heard him say , " It won 't be long , Jess . The world 's changing , and you and me , we 'll change right along with it . . . " It sounded like he wanted to say something else , but his head had begun to sink into the blob , and the only thing I heard were bubbling , gurgling sounds . That was all I could take . I rushed to the front door and grabbed the handle . Then , I remembered what was crawling around outside and froze . Thinking quickly , I rushed back to the kitchen and began searching all the cupboards for another flashlight . Unable to locate one , I rushed up stairs and began searching room by room for something to use as either a light source or a weapon . The last room I walked into was Dave 's studio , and in one corner was a gun case with several rifles . After smashing the glass doors with a chair I yanked out a shotgun and began looking through the drawers for ammunition . Luckily , I found a nearly - full box of shells , so I loaded the rifle , then stuffed as many in my pockets as they could hold . I ran back down stairs and was about to head to the front door when I noticed the green blob that had once been Dave slithering into the foyer . I aimed the rifle at the thing , but for whatever reason I found that I didn 't have the heart to shoot at it . So , I decided to go out the backdoor instead . It was a good thing that the lights were working , because the moment I reached the backdoor I spotted three light switches next to the doorway . I watched through the window as I flicked them on and was relieved when I saw the entire backyard stretching all the way to the horse van become completely illuminated . The rain was still coming down , but there was no sign of the crawling abominations anywhere . After undoing the bolt lock , I slowly opened the door and stepped outside . The first thing I looked for was the gasoline container , and I let out a sigh of relief when I saw that it was still sitting in the van . I had only taken two steps forward when one of the blob - like sacks came crawling from around the corner of the garage . It looked far worse in the full light than it did in the dark . Protruding from the sack were what appeared to be two arms and legs that could possibly be described as human , though they moved in a disturbing tentacle - like fashion . The sack itself looked like a gunny sack that had somehow become fused with whatever was inside it . There was no human head to speak of , but there was something rolling around inside the sack that may have been the remnants of one . Without hesitation I took aim and fired a shot at it . The moment the round struck , the sack instantly exploded into bits of limbs and various internal organs . I was completely amazed at how easy it had been to kill the damned thing . Wasting no time , I began running through the rain to retrieve the container of gasoline . In my haste , I slipped and fell in the mud just a few feet from the van 's open doors . Picking myself up , I 'd started to brush the mud off my face and clothes when I inadvertently looked back at the thing I 'd just killed . I couldn 't believe what I saw ; the other two sack - things were picking up bits of the one I 'd shot and were somehow attaching those pieces to themselves . In moments , the two remaining sack - things were now twice as large , and worse , they were quickly heading towards me . Copyright Victor Ward 2013 Yes ma ' am ! I 'll get right on it ! Sorry to keep you waiting ! BTW , I 'm glad you enjoyed it LL . It sounds like Jess has got himself into a spot of bother I 'm intrigued to find out just how he gets out of this one . Once again I took aim and fired , but this time I was a bit off the mark and only managed to knock an arm off the approaching thing on the right . The other sack - thing quickly snatched up the arm and began attaching it to itself . This seemed to anger the one I 'd just wounded , and the two of them began struggling over the still - twitching appendage . That gave me the opportunity to turn back and run towards the van to retrieve the gasoline container . Reaching the van I was relieved that the container hadn 't been knocked over when the grotesque creatures had climbed out through the open doors . I held my breath as I frantically searched my pockets for my lighter , then let out a long sigh when I found it in perfectly working order . That was two for two , and all I had to do was set those disgusting things ablaze to make a perfect hat trick . I began to feel my confidence building as I checked and reloaded the shotgun . My plan was to fire at the two of them while they were fighting over the severed arm , blast them into scattered pieces , then pour the gasoline on the whole mess and light them up before they could reconstitute themselves . What could go wrong ? I wondered . It seemed like the perfect plan . Regrettably the sack - things had a plan of their own . When I turned to take aim , what I saw nearly made me p * * * myself . Instead of two separate sack - things there was now just one huge monstrous mass with a multitude of arms and legs . The sight was so ridiculous , yet simultaneously so terrifying that I froze for a moment as I watched it begin to lumber towards me . Raising the shotgun , I fired directly into it 's center , but the round had no effect and it simply kept on approaching . I fired a second , then a third time , only to watch as the thing absorbed each shot with nothing more than a slight shudder . Firing once more , I struck both an arm and a leg , which went flying off and landed in the muddy ground . This made the monster stop it 's advance to turn and pick up the severed bits . Upon seeing this I started aiming for it 's limbs , hoping that if I could scatter enough of them I could slow it down long enough to douse it with the gasoline . The more limbs I shot off , the slower the monster could maneuver through the muck . Once again , my new plan was working perfectly . . . . . . that is , until I ran out of ammunition . Searching through my pockets I realized that I had lost most of the shells when I had fallen in the mud . My heart was pounding as I searched desperately through the muck for any rounds I could find . By chance , I noticed a small reflection a few feet ahead of me ; a few feet away from the monster as well . It was a round lying in the mud which was reflecting the back house light . Summoning what courage I had left , I scrambled towards the glittering object . Just as I reached for the shell a cold hand with snake - like fingers wrapped around my wrist . Luckily the slippery mud on my arm prevented the hand from getting a firm grip and I was able to pull away . I stood up quickly and with trembling hands began trying to load the round into the shotgun . I don 't know how or why , but something inside me told me to stop what I was doing and look to my left . Swallowing hard , I blinked my eyes a couple of times , then slowly turned my head . Not more than three feet away from where I stood was the monster in all it 's impossible , hideous glory . The main mass of the thing was about three feet wide and at least seven feet long , and had a flattened ovoid shape like the body of some hellish , giant insect from an entomophobiac 's worst nightmare . Holding the whole thing up off the ground was a mixture of human - like arms and legs that slowly wavered from side to side . There were also three arms jutting from the top of the thing that moved in an hypnotic , snake - like manner in the air . Though I was frozen with terror at the sight of the thing before me I had no idea that I was yet to witness more of it 's transformation . Directly in the center of the thing 's body , a large bulge began to rise , until it had grown to the size of a basketball . There were no discernable features on it , but I did notice that something was moving around just beneath it 's hybrid burlap - human skin . Then , one by one , an eye lid began to appear and open on it , until there were six nearly - human eyes staring at me ; none of them in the proper order to hint at a human face . But as much as that disarray of eyes was enough to make me nauseous , the worst had to be what I saw next . It started with a small slit at one end of the bulbous head that slowly stretched across it 's surface until it was about a foot wide . With a sickening tearing sound , it ripped violently open , exposing a hideous , mismatched agglomeration of human teeth . A viscous drool oozed down both sides of the slit as it opened up into what I can only describe as a mouth from hell . When the mouth slammed closed , then slowly opened again , I spotted three tongues slithering around inside of it 's grotesque maw , looking like deformed , slime covered vipers . That terrible sight was enough to snap me out of my daze . With the round still in one hand and the shotgun in the other I made a crazed dash for the open van . I didn 't look back , but I knew by the heavy splashing sounds that the huge abomination was only a step or two behind me . With a loud yell born of primordial fear I dived between the open doorway and went tumbling across the floor of the van ; losing my grip on the shotgun in the process . Just as I managed to stop my forward momentum I felt the entire van shudder as the monster smashed into the bottom of it 's frame . Apparently the thing 's mutated arms and legs no longer had the ability to propel it upward through the open doors . Jumping to my feet I began to laugh as though I 'd lost my mind . I waved my middle finger at the thing sloshing around in the mud below and yelled , " Owned , you * * * * er ! Yeah , your rubbery legs really came in handy , didn 't they ? You can 't even jump up to . . . " My words suddenly caught in my throat as I saw two of it 's snake - like arms slowly reaching over the edge . Before I could react , one of the monster 's hands found the shotgun and pulled it out of the van . With the rifle gone , the only weapon of defense left to me was the container of gasoline which , unfortunately , was sitting less than a foot from the doorway . Holding my breath , I lurched forward and managed to pull the container away a split second before one of the arms had found it . Though I wasn 't sure what I was going to do with the gas , I was somewhat relieved that I was still in possession of it . A lot of crazy thoughts began to run through my head at that moment . For some odd reason I started to imagine Lyla suddenly driving up in her old Trans Am just in time to witness me setting the monster on fire . I pictured myself leaping triumphantly over the burning mutation , landing right next to the passenger door , then climbing in and riding off with her into the rainy night . As I stood lost in my ill - timed daydream the monstrous thing had nearly pulled itself completely into the rear of the van . Wrapping it 's hands around my ankles , it pulled my legs out from under me , sending me crashing to the floor on my back . The container flew out of my hands and went tumbling around the inside of the van , splashing everything , including myself , with gasoline . Winded by the fall , I was unable to kick myself free from the clutching arms that were dragging me closer to the monster 's terrifying mouth . I let out a scream of both pain and terror as the drooling jaws clamped down hard on the heel of my right foot . Pulling my left leg free , I kicked the thing 's grotesque head , until I mashed out two of it 's eyes . That caused the monster to roar in pain , allowing me to remove my heel away from it 's hideous teeth . Unable to stand because of the pain I scrambled back away from the monster across the floor until I reached the front wall of the van . My eyes began to water from the powerful gasoline fumes , but I kept my sites on the writhing , screaming monster nonetheless . The thing was running it 's fingers over the two glop - filled eye sockets as though it were searching for the missing ocular orbs . When it 's eyes failed to reconstitute themselves , I had another one of my brilliant ideas . I reached over and picked up the container , which had been lying on it 's side , and checked to see how much gas was left . I figured that if I could douse the monster 's eyes with gas , effectively blinding it , then I would be able to make my way back to the safety of the house . Examining the container I found that there was very little gas left in it . That meant that I would only have one try at blinding the monster . I tried to stand up , but the moment I put weight on my right foot , the pain made me fall back down on the floor . Gritting my teeth I tried again , and was soon standing on my left leg . It was then that the monster locked it 's four remaining eyes on me and roared viciously in a half human , half animal voice . I leaned back against the wall , tightly clutching onto the gas container , and waited as the thing pulled it 's remaining bulk into the van . With an angry yell I charged forward , aiming the open top of the container at the monster 's snarling face . Unluckily for me , my shoes were still soaked with mud , and instead of hitting my mark I slipped on the floor of the van . The container flew out of my hand as I landed flat on the thing 's back . For the brief moment I was lying on the monster I felt something undulating beneath it 's skin . It felt as though it 's bones and internal organs were in a constant state of re - organizing themselves . Thoroughly repulsed by what I felt , I grabbed onto one of it 's waving arms and pulled myself off of the disgusting monstrosity ; landing heavily in the mud below with a loud splash . I was unable to get to my feet , so I started sloshing through the mud on my hands and knees , frantically trying to reach the safety of the house . The thing had pulled itself off the back of the van and was quickly catching up to me , and I was certain that I wasn 't going to make it . Suddenly , through the pouring rain I saw the two head lights of a vehicle speeding directly towards me . I dived to one side as the vehicle zoomed past me , barely missing me by a few inches . The next thing I heard was a horrible crunching sound and an unearthly roar as the monster was crushed beneath the wheels of the vehicle . Then the driver backed up the car and lowered the window . " Well ? " said a familiar female voice . " Are you just going to lie there in the mud ? That thing could put itself together at any minute . " With a painful limp I walked over to where the mashed thing lay and reached into my pocket . Withdrawing my lighter , I ripped off a part of my gas soaked sleeve , lit it , and tossed it into the center of the writing mass . The monster screamed horribly as it instantly burst into flame . I knew that there wouldn 't be enough gasoline on it to completely incinerate it , but I figured that the fire would cauterize parts of it , making it impossible for it to recombine it 's broken , scattered appendages . Limping back to the vehicle , I opened the passenger side door and climbed in . I looked over at the driver and noticed a tear running down her cheek . " Are you okay ? " I asked softly . The woman from the co - op store then wiped the tear from her face , turned the car around , and drove away from the stables . I wanted to ask her a thousand questions , but I decided that that wasn 't the right time nor place . Instead , I leaned back in my seat and rubbed my sore foot . |
I took yesterday morning off work to get another boiler quote . The chap who came round looked a bit like Captain Birdseye but I decided not to point this out to him . I don 't know how much they would charge yet , but the chap was very helpful and knowledgeable and I asked him loads of questions and he answered them all very well . I 'm hoping he comes in with quite a good quote because I would like to use them if possible . Anyway , today is ' I Day ' meaning ' Interview Day ' and as a result of that , when you are meant to be spend the whole time going " well , I did this " and " I did that " and generally saying how fantastic I am , although perhaps being a bit more specific than that . We 'll see how it goes . I 'm just glad that the day has finally arrived as I have known about the interview for so long and it will be a relief to get it over with . I just hope it was worth the wait . C is back at work today and we 'll see if she is a bit more talkative than at the end of last week . Her boyfriend works with us and I had to ask him for some information yesterday and he was really short with me . I wasn 't sure if that was because he was just stressed about something or if he was being off with me because I had upset C last week . Whatever the reason , it didn 't put me off getting him to do the work . Then I 'm meant to be going out for dinner tonight , although if I am feeling totally worn out , I might bow out of that . Rightio , I 'm off to sell my soul . When I went to see my friends on Friday night , they were talking about how they 've got lots of things that never get done and so they 're thinking about using a concierge service . Basically they would pay a company a fee and they would arrange their lives from them . Be it booking a holiday , arranging for goods to be delivered or getting the boiler serviced . Pretty much anything . I think this comes with somewhat of a price tag . But having said that there is a certain appeal to having someone do all those jobs that I never get round to - not that I can afford to pay someone to sort my life out for me . There is also a part of me that thinks it would be a very cool job to have . Although it can be a hassle , I do like finding things out , working out to get a good deal on something , helping other people out with finding products or services . Maybe I should have this as my second career . Not that I feel I have had a ' career ' , as such , to date . Anyway , should you want to make use of a concierge service , then these people might suit you , if you are rich and famous ( so rich that you would be willing to apply for membership without actually knowing how much they charge … Or you could try these people who seem to charge a maximum of £ 40 an hour , which whilst quite a lot of money , if it saves your sanity then maybe is worth it . A green alternative ( as in how to make your life more eco - friendly ) is these people . They charge about £ 200 but I guess you might make that back through the energy savings . However , for something that doesn 't involve inviting strangers into your home , you could make your life a bit simpler by using a vacuum robot . You can programme this one and it will start vacuuming in the middle of the night if you want . It is about £ 800 though … Or you can get a rather cheaper one here , for a mere £ 230 . Or if you want one that you don 't have to give up eating for a month to be able to afford then you can get this one for about £ 20 and it can mop your floor as well , although I think the fact it is cPosted by I really enjoyed being off work on Friday . When I used to work at a university I used to go for a walk on my lunch break and I would look at some of the people who were seemingly wandering aimlessly about the local streets and wonder how they were able to be do leisurely things on a working day . I like doing leisurely things on a working day and should try and do them more often . Anyway , the first order of the day was British Gas . They , as I already knew , are very expensive . The quote I had from another firm is for £ 3400 . British Gas would be £ 4400 . BUT , I would get a £ 250 discount because they would trade in my old boiler . So , they came in at about £ 4150 . I have a few thoughts about British Gas 's offers . First , they are just very expensive , although I don 't mind paying a bit more if I think the quality of the work will be better . But that £ 250 trade in is a con - they are going to do nothing with people 's old boilers but chuck them away , so they are basically making you think that you are getting a discount , when actually they could have just given the lower quote - but then the customer doesn 't think they are getting a bit more of a bargain . If I was one of their homecare customers , they would have given me another £ 150 off - but if they have fitted the system right then presumably I would be unlikely to need the service , and they probably get a lot of customers who continue to keep the service ( and therefore British Gas get lots of money in subsequent years ) . So it 's just a way for them to make money in the longer term . I told the chap that I didn 't really think their quote was very competitive and he said that they do normally come in about £ 5 - 600 more than local firms , but he then told me why they were still such a great choice . However , he then said he could give me another £ 200 off if I would sign the contract that day because he " wouldn 't have to come back to get the paper work " . Two thoughts came to mind with that . First , it costs £ 200 to collect some paperwork ? ? ! But also thatPosted by I 'm off work today and waiting for the British Gas man to come round . Then I 'm going to go and get my hair cut and then I 'm going to see my financial adviser ( and I will presumably say I haven 't got any money as I have to spend it on a new boiler ! ) . Anyway , yesterday proved to be a bit of a challenging day at work . C is leaving and so we have been looking for someone to replace her . We looked at various options and decided that the best approach was to upgrade her post because there is some difficult work coming up and there was also a very good candidate from a recruitment run by one of my colleagues and we were then able to offer that woman the job . We got HR 's agreement to all of this and it meets all the rules - the woman was recruited through fair and open competition etc . This woman accepted the job yesterday and so that was the first opportunity to tell C what was going on . I really believe that you should be honest with staff and that you need to make sure that you tell staff properly rather than them finding out through Chinese whispers , so I explained to C what was happening about replacing her . She was so unimpressed and had a real go at me . We sit next to each other and normally exchange a bit of banter , but yesterday afternoon we didn 't really speak ( not in a childish way , we just each got on with our work ) and just before she was due to go home I asked her if there was anything else she wanted to say about our earlier conversation she said " no , it 's none of my business really because I 'm leaving " . She then momentarily paused for breath and it turned out that she actually had plenty to say and told me what all those things were ! Basically she doesn 't think it 's very fair and to a degree suggested that I had sold out my principles by doing this , she said something like " you talk about always wanting things to be fair , but when it suits you , you change the rules " and I explained that what we had done was fair and we 'd had to go through a process to get permission to do thiPosted by On the way into work yesterday morning I went to change trains as normal and could see a passenger talking to one of the station staff on the platform . Initially I couldn 't quite work out whether they were having a friendly chat or if she was annoyed ( as weird as that may sound ) . Anyway , as it turned out she was annoyed and I could hear the station chap politely explaining to her that if she tired to go down on to the tracks they would have to call the police . It was then that I saw a mobile phone on the tracks and it seems she had dropped it there . He said that they would retrieve it for her after 9 . 30am which was about an hour away and she was so unimpressed and then seemed to think that I might lean over the platform edge and steal her phone and practically elbowed me out of the way while I stood there waiting for the train to come in . I suggest you hang on to your phone tightly when you 're out and about . I was talking to a colleague yesterday about various things and while we were talking he suddenly told me that he 'd been unwell recently . Apparently when he was on leave a couple of weeks ago he was rushed to hospital because he seemed to be having a heart attack ( this chap is in his forties ) . They ran tests and in the end decided that it was actually stress induced by work . While we were talking he said that he felt a tightness in his chest . I asked if he had told our boss about it and he said no and that I was the only person he had told . I said that I thought he should perhaps say something , but he just said " no , you can 't afford to show any weakness here and if I tell them that 's what they 'll see " . I despair . I do still think he should say something , but he says he won 't and it 's not my place to tell people at work . I did , however , assure him that if he ever collapsed I would try and resuscitate him - and then further assured him that I would be happy to punch him in the chest any time he liked . I like to be helpful . Anyway , if you live in London and are wondering who you should vote forPosted by One day down and only three more days of work this week , as I am off on Friday . British Gas are coming round to give me a quote for a boiler and I have a whole list of other things that I also need to get done . My interview next week keeps crossing my mind and when it does I then think that there 's no way I am going to get through the interview . I just keep doubting myself , even though I have experience that is entirely relevant and am usually pretty good at interviews and have been doing my prep . I just need to have a bit more confidence in myself , I guess . Something else keeps going through my mind , which is entirely unconnected to the above . One of G 's friends was over last weekend and when we were having some cheese after dinner he licked his knife and then put it in the butter spread that on a cracker and then sliced some cheese with the knife . He 's a really nice chap and I get on with him well , but somehow I just struggle with someone licking a knife ( I 'm not keen on that in and of itself , but have sort of got used to that as G does it sometimes ) and then dipping it into a communal product . Ick . Anyway , I read this article on the BBC and thought it was quite interesting . Should the personal life or views of an author influence whether we read their books ? It 's an interesting dilemma . I 'm certainly not of the burning books type ( oh the horror ! ) , but if someone held views that I found abhorrent would I decide that I should not read their books . I guess I might choose not to buy them so that I did not line their pockets - but what if I borrowed the book from a library or the person was dead so they did not really personally benefit ? Is there work somehow devalued or should be ignored because of extreme or unacceptable views ? I don 't know . In the comments on that article someone mentioned that Roald Dahl was anti - Semitic and yet that wouldn 't stop me from reading his books , but perhaps that is because I am not Jewish . Is it somehow more acceptable as long as you are personally not threatened by tPosted by If you live in London then you might have seen the adverts for the forthcoming mayoral election that are basically telling people that they should find out where their polling station is and not just rely on stumbling across it on the day . Well , as it turns out , my own council doesn 't know where my polling station is . A few weeks ago I got my polling card which said that my polling station was at the school along the road from where I live . Then on Friday I got a letter from my council saying that they had made a mistake and actually that isn 't my polling station and it is in fact about a 15 minute walk from where I live . Oops . I guess , at least they realised in advance . I was planning on voting on the way into work but I don 't think I 'll have time to get to the polling station and into work at a reasonable time , so I might have to wait until the evening . Grrrr … Anyway , it was quite good weekend - despite getting a quote for fitting a new boiler which is for £ 3400 ! ! ! ! I went to my uncle 's house on Saturday to celebrate his birthday . To get there I had to go to St Pancras , which is where the Eurostar departs from . I wasn 't actually heading for the continent and was using one of the domestic platforms , but from what I saw of the station , I thought it was pretty impressive . It was a pleasant enough afternoon , despite one of my cousin 's being as irritating as ever . He is about 8 years old and is a militant vegetarian . He is happy to point out to people how disgusting they are for eating meat and my uncle told me that they had recently been to an aquarium , which my cousin had enjoyed , but then there were some stuffed animals and my cousin was so horrified when he saw a stuffed polar bear that my uncle had to cover his son 's eyes to escort him out of the exhibition because he could not look at it . I know stuffing animals is not a great thing to do ( although having said that , there is a very funny scene in Alan Alda 's biography " Never have your dog stuffed " about the after effects of his childhPosted by I left work really promptly yesterday because a heating engineer was coming round to look at the strange set up with my hot water tank . There is basically a cylinder directly above the tank that is rusting away . He looked at the system and basically said it is all very dangerous . A plumber had commented on it previously and said it needed looking at , but I had never quite got round to getting the problem fixed because that plumber then became very elusive and it slipped my mind after that . Anyway , the problem is that there isn 't a proper outlet on my hot water tank , so if the water boiled ( which admittedly is unlikely ) then there would be nowhere for it to go and my hot water tank would explode . It seems I have two options . First is to get the agreement of my neighbour to run some pipes up through her property so that there is proper outlet up to where the cold water tank is in the roof . This would cost several hundred pounds . I have a fairly old heating system which will break at some point and need to be replaced and you can only get combination boilers now , so ultimately I would have to get that fitted instead anyway . The second option is to get the combination boiler fitted now . This would mean a lot of work and could be quite destructive , including possibly taking up the flooring in my bathroom that I had fitted less than a year ago , plus they would put new pipework in my kitchen and I 'd have to get that all boxed in as well . This would cost around £ 3000 . I can 't decide if it is best to persuade my neighbour to let them do some work in her flat and get the quick fix that is relatively cheap ( by comparison … ) but run the risk that when my boiler breaks ( and it is difficult to predict when that would be though it is running fine at the moment ) , I 'm going to have to go for the new boiler option anyway , so it would be several hundred pounds now plus the cost of then installing a boiler . Or go for the pain now consisting of destruction , more work and lots of money to get the problem totally fixed for thePosted by I have been feeling really tired this week . On Monday it was just because I 'd taken ages to fall asleep on Sunday night , but then on Tuesday night I had felt fine all day but by the evening , I just felt totally worn out and fell asleep really early . There is a part of me that wonders if I am just going into hibernation mode ( despite it being the wrong season for it ) because I feel a bit down about some things at the moment , which is making me a bit anti - social and feel really tired . But then last night I went out with a friend from university and we had a really nice evening and just spending a nice evening in pleasant company , talking about nothing in particular helped a lot . I did take the opportunity to ask her about her views on Boris Johnson . She doesn 't live in London , but has a definite leaning towards the right and she said that she thought he was awful and if she lived in London , despite being a staunch Tory , she would have to think about voting for someone else . On the way into the station this morning a man gave me a leaflet and when I looked at it , it was a Boris Johnson campaign leaflet . Had I realised before I 'd taken it , I would have just said to the man " I don 't think so " and refused to accept something proclaiming that man 's supposed virtues . Anyway , at least I can be grateful that I 'm not bald . Not only that , but I 'm not a teacher who appears to be frightened of their own pupils and trying to cite baldness being a disability as my defence . Let 's just look at the dictionary definition of a disability : • lack of adequate power , strength , or physical or mental ability . • a physical or mental handicap , esp . one that prevents a person from living a full , normal life or from holding a gainful job . • anything that disables or puts one at a disadvantage . So technically , it seems that being follicly challenged could indeed be a disability as being called " baldy " and having to skulk about so you don 't see any pupils at your school does seem to be not living a " normal life Posted by Someone I work with was on the tube going to work yesterday and , although she is English , was reading a book that was in French . There were a couple of people sitting opposite her who decided that based on her reading material , she must be French and therefore started talking about her shoes in totally audible English . So basically , if you read a French book you must therefore actually be French and if you are French you can 't understand any English . I think that is a path potentially destined for trouble . As if to illustrate that the French are potentially more charming than the English ( or certainly the two people on the tube yesterday ) , a friend was out on hr lunch break last week without a coat and suddenly it started to rain . This chap came up to her who she didn 't know and put his umbrella over her and in a French accent asked where she was going and walked her to her destination ( which wasn 't very far away ) . There were no strings attached and there was nothing sleazy about it , this chap just saw someone who was going to get drenched and helped her out . I 'm not sure there are many people who would do something like that . I felt so tired all day yesterday . It took me ages to fall asleep on Sunday night ( I think due to over - consumption of caffeine ) and so didn 't get anywhere enough sleep . It does tend to mean that I get a really nice night 's sleep on a Monday though , whicg did prove to be the case . Anyway , yesterday sent someone an e - mail to ask about he colleague who has an interview for the same job as me . He came over to see me and said " she 's rubbish . She is a real worrier and panics about everything . " That 's what I like to hear . That doesn 't mean she isn 't fantastic at interviews though , of course . . . I was looking in my airing cupboard yesterday and there is a strange cylinder attached to my hot water tank . It seems to serve no purpose and is just slowly rusting . I think the rusting is getting worse though so have arranged for someone to come round and look at it , as it 's either going to rust through one day and presumably cause a problem or it 's just dripping rust into my hot water tank , which isn 't great either . The firm I spoke to , who fitted my fire and serviced my boiler etc , are so helpful and I arranged an appointment for next week for them to come and assess it , but they phoned back and said they 'd just drop round one evening and have a look and then presumably will just get on with the work next week instead . I so like having a firm I can call up and they just do what they can to help . I have no plumbing expertise and have to rely on people who do know what they are talking about and it 's so easy to get ripped off . So it 's good to feel confident in a company . I should perhaps look into getting some skills in that area though , just to deal with basic ' incidents ' at home . You have to be corgi registered to deal with some things though and somehow I think that might be going a bit too far . If you have some lighting expertise then you might want to try installing this though . Why bother with actual lights when you can get your wallpaper to glow . How very bizarre , and yet kind of cool at the saPosted by Monday again . Always a disappointing end to the weekend . . . Anyway , it was a nice weekend and all the cooking etc went well when G 's friends came over . They are really nice people and also great fans of the finer things in life , so you always know that they will either feed you lovely things or if they come to you will bring lovely things with them . This was no exception , as they even brought home made cakes . On Friday , someone I used to work with who knows I have applied for a new job said that she knows someone else who has an interview . I don 't know this other person very well , but I felt kind of disconcerted by that . But then I thought that as there would obviously be other candidates , perhaps I should just work on the philosophy of " know your enemy " . I know that the job would be a promotion for her , whereas I already have a proven track record at the grade over several years . I also have worked in the unit before and so have more of an idea of what they might be expecting . I don 't know I she knows I have an interview as well , but I could just poison her so that she doesn 't actually make it that far . . . Over the weekend I was talking to my visitors about the mayoral elections . For some reason I am becoming fearful that Boris Johnson might actually get elected . I don 't actually know anyone who has so far admitted that they will vote for him , but presumably some people somewhere will , so he is still a danger . So I am taking the next couple of weeks before the election as an opportunity to beg people to vote so that whoever gets elected is not based on people 's failure to vote . Incidentally , a few weeks ago I mentioned about a bid to get an independent candidate to run . Well , it looks like that bid failed . I have no idea if the account of it is accurate , but it makes interesting reading . So despite the claim that " it could be you " , well , actually no it can 't . . . This week has gone by fairly quickly and it 's almost the weekend . Tonight a big Tesco order is being delivered and then some friends of G 's are coming over tomorrow and , I think , staying the night . Should be good . I must make an effort to be more sociable though . My home phone has rung a few times this week and I just can 't be bothered to answer it . The advantage of a mobile phone is that you know who is calling you and at the moment I 'm not sure I can be bothered to speak to people when I don 't know who it is in advance . Anyway , I shall make a special effort this weekend to be friendly ( so long as it doesn 't involve having to talk on the phone ) . I have watched this series of The Apprentice right from the beginning , which I have never done before . I have to say that I am decidedly unimpressed by it . The people just seem to argue the whole time and no - one seems to have any skill apart from pointing out other people 's faults . Is it normally this bad ? ? ? I think I have only ever seen the last few episodes in previous series and it has to be said that I don 't feel as though I have missed out . Maybe I just can 't understand why they would be interested to put themselves through that process . If it was me I wouldn 't have applied to be on it in the first place , but if somehow I still ended up being selected , I would have said very early on that life is too short to spend it arguing and walked out . Am I somehow missing the point of this programme ? Aren 't these people means to have some greats business acumen - because I 'm not sure I have noticed any so far . It 's probably a good thing that there is lots of food on arriving tonight because I was looking for something in a kitchen cupboard yesterday and found this : I am wondering if I should perhaps look through my cupboards a bit more regularly in future . You 'll be pleased to learn that I threw the potato in the bin and wasn 't tempted to eat it . I was on the tube yesterday morning and there was a girl talking on the phone to her friend . She was very talkative but not particularly loud . However , the woman sitting opposite me and her husband obviously took exception to this girl and the woman kept making comments like " I hope we go in a tunnel soon " and other such polite things . The woman and her husband were each reading their own copies of the Daily Mail . I think that about sums them up really and I knew who I was more keen to be quiet . I had a meeting yesterday morning and after an hour we finally reached the first point on the agenda ( note that is " reached " not " were still talking about " or " finished " ) . We then commenced the first point , which was the minutes and were doing the standard thing of checking the actions had been completed . We got to the first action and spent 45 minutes on that . After the meeting had been going for two hours we abandoned it and decided that what we had discussed would have to do . I wasn 't chairing this meeting , which is probably a good thing , as I don 't think it would be the sort of example I would want to use in my interview . I had an interesting bit of news yesterday that a chap who works in our unit and is sort of " spare " would be interested in my job ( not that he knows I am applying for a new job , he just expressed an interest ) . So that means , if I got the job I have applied for , I could probably leave pretty quickly , as he could replace me , which would be good because it is never good to have to hang on . Anyway , now that means I just have to actually * get * the job . I 've been practicing the written task and think I have got pretty good at that and am still working through all of my examples for the interview and making sure they are up to standard . I am going to be so gutted if I don 't get this job . As you will probably have noticed , the inquest into the death of Princess Diana is now over . Yesterday , the BBC published an article on three members of the public who regularly attended the inquest . One of them is a chap called John Loughrey and he was asked what he would now do with is time to which he replied " It 's fine , I move on very quickly from things , I have plans , firstly I 'm going to go on holiday with my sister . Then I 'll think about getting another job . " Let 's just consider the evidence for that : - He rented out his house and moved in with his sister so he could afford to attend the inquest . - He told the BBC " I 'm going down in history for this . It wouldn 't surprise me if there wasn 't a portrait of me hanging in Kensington Palace in 100 years time " which some might suggest is a little overly optimistic . - And . . . Diana died over ten years ago and he followed every word of the inquest in person . This man attended every single day of the inquest ( over 6 months of it ) and even got a special mention by the judge in his summing up . So , yes it sounds to me like he can move on very quickly from things . Perhaps his next project could be following the Olympic torch around the world . That should keep him occupied for a bit . On an entirely different note , yesterday I kept thinking of the song " Lost " by Michael Buble . I think this is partly influenced by walking past a branch of KwikFit on Sunday and they were listening to it full blast , but anyway , it has been rattling around my head . So I present it here for you , so that it can rattle around your head as well . Posted by One day down , four more to go and it 's another early start today . Yesterday , despite not needing an early start , I seemed to be doing things ahead of time . Today , not so good . . . Yesterday afternoon I went to a meeting and we went through a document paragraph by paragraph and , believe me , there were a lot of paragraphs to go through . I am surprised I managed to stay awake until the end of the meeting . One of the chaps there really wanted a cup of coffee but there weren 't any cups left by the time he arrived . His boss then left the meeting early so he took his bosses cup and poured himself a cup of coffee . I just found that quite odd . I think , however , much I wanted a drink - or how good my relationship was with my boss - that I wouldn 't have chosen that option . Anyway , yesterday I was talking to someone I do a lot of work with about how we could occupy some particularly irritating people we have a meeting with tomorrow . We are thinking of setting them a colouring in task . It would have nothing to do with our work , but it 's a great way to keep children occupied , so it might work equally well with them . If modern living gets you down , then you might like to look at this site . You 'll either really be able to relate to it or end up totally scratching your head . I 'm still trying to work out which side of the line I am on . . . Another weekend over and it was the opportunity to experience pretty much any type of weather you can think of - sun , rain , snow , thunder , lightning . Perhaps it was the beginning of the apocalypse and I just failed to notice . Anyway , Saturday G and I went to see one of G 's friends . That was a really nice day . I 'd never met this chap or his wife before but we just chatted away and ate lots . They have a little girl who is about 14 months old and she is learning to sign . She isn 't deaf , but it seems that one of the things young children can learn these days is signing , which means that even though they might not be able to speak yet they can still communicate what they want . So , if they are in pain or want a drink they can sign that rather than leaving perplexed parents trying to work out why they have a screaming child in front of them . I just thought it was so simple and was really impressed by it . I am now trying to learn the sign language for " a cup of tea " , so that I can get G to brew me a cup in the morning without me having to speak . Although to date , a sharp poke with my elbow has been found to be remarkably effective . I saw that Charlton Heston died yesterday . Whilst best known for his acting , he was also known for being the president of the National Rifle Association in the US . Maybe someone can finally prize that gun from his " cold dead hands " . Yesterday I got the letter confirming when my interview is and , despite them previously saying I would have to give a presentation , the details of a written test that I will have to carry out . The odd thing is that they have actually told me what the written test is - which basically means I can practice it in advance . I won 't be able to practice the precise detail because I will only find that out on the day but I know what the key elements are . It makes me wonder if there is some catch . But I guess they are maybe just testing my ability to speedily take in information and summarise it in writing . I am scratching my head about it though . My main concern is that I have terrible handwriting , so somehow I am going to have to make it legible before the end of the month . Anyway . . . ladies , are you worried that you 're going to be left on the shelf ? That you 're going to end your days lost and alone - or worse , still living at home with your parents at the age of 75 ? Well , have no fear , there is an answer . Get your parents to add you to this website . They can get about $ 50 , 000 for you and live a life of luxury , while you 're married to some creepy guy who has to resort to buying a wife . If you do get picked by the man of your dreams ( there 's none of this silly women having any choice in the matter , so don 't worry , just spend the time making yourself look pretty ) then you might want to think about where to go on honeymoon . At the same time you can test your world geography by having a go at this game . Of course you 'll only actually get to go to any of those places if you get the washing done and have done all the cleaning . So starting getting those dishes clean . I have to be in work early today , which I am decidedly unimpressed about . I just don 't to early . It 's odd because a few years ago I used to get into work for 8 . 20 every day , but now I get in about an hour later and the thought of getting in that early seems beyond comprehension . I shall soldier on though . Anyway , there was a horrible story in the news last Friday about a woman who was killed in Colchester , Essex . She attempted to cross the railway lines after the barriers had gone down and she got her foot stuck in the track . Despite a couple of men trying to help her , they couldn 't get her foot free and she was killed when the train struck her . This brought back memories that we had to watch as children at school teaching us the dangers of various activities . One of the films was about the dangers of playing on the railway lines . It has to be said that filmed really scared me , I was probably only 6 years old when I saw it . Had I ever been set for a life dicing with danger on the train tracks this film forever changed my destiny . I can 't find a copy of the film on the internet but I remember the film , including the football boots hanging on the back of a door and the voiceover saying something like " Robbie won 't be playing football any more " . This being due to him and some friends walking home along the railway line one day and he got his football boots stuck and while he was trying to pull them out , he got struck by a train and his legs were cut off . Just the kind of thing you needed to learn about at the age of 6 . I told my sister about the woman being killed in Colchester and asked her what it made her think of - and she named that film as well . It was obviously very memorable - and my sister doesn 't play on the railway lines either . Robbie isn 't actually a Public Information Film , but I came across some of those when I was trying to find a copy if it on the internet . It really reminded me of some classics out there and they can all be found here . I really remember the one about rabies and tPosted by Yesterday was the 90th anniversary of the RAF , which included a fly - by by the Red Arrows . I managed to get out of the office in time to take a photo of them . It was only when I got back to work that I could see the picture properly and realised they were in shot , what with them being quite fast and also because I was looking into the light I couldn 't see at all whether they were in shot ( click on the picture for a bigger version of it ) . That 's a cropped version of the picture but when I looked at the picture more closely on my computer last night I was amused to look at the whole picture and see the writing on the side of the bus . Weird . I was very jolly yesterday , which I think was down to three main reasons . First , I felt soooooooooooooooooooooooo much better than on Sunday that I was just very happy . Second , with the clocks going forward at the weekend , the extra hour of daylight in the evening was great and I just soaked in the light on my way home . Third though was that yesterday morning I got an e - mail from one of my friends which left me laughing so much and through out the day , the story would just come to mind and I would start laughing again . If people saw me walking along the street they probably would have seen me grinning and thought I was slightly mad . Nothing new there then . Anyway , my friend said that she had been staying with her cousin over the weekend and the cousin 's sister in law phoned to say that she 'd had an unfortunate incident in the local DIY store . She had gone there with her three year old son and they were walking round together when a woman tapped her on the shoulder and said " is that your son ? " . At which point the woman turned round to see her son sitting on one of the display toilets and doing rather a large poo … I guess it 's difficult to explain to a three year old that despite it being a toilet , its lack of plumbing ( and being in the middle of a shop ) is not an ideal place to relieve yourself . The shop was not very impressed and gave her some rubber gloves and a brush and got her to clean it up . I 'm sure that story will haunt that boy for the rest of his life ! I also heard yesterday that it seems the longest word that you can type just using the letters in the QWERTY line of a keyboard is … typewriter ! I wonder if that was done deliberately . By the way , I have no recollection of where the above picture came from , but it just makes me laugh . |
Only on the Internet could a man from Belgium become one of the foremost authorities on an American icon . Route 66 is the definition of pure Americana and is immortalized in a tune that extols the virtues of the open road . Swa Franzen heard the siren call of the legendary route in the early ' 90s and compiled information on his Route 66 site way back in 1994 . Since then , the intrepid Belgian has kept the motor runnin ' on this labor of love . . . Hey Swa , what was the impetus behind the Route 66 site ? The site got started in 1994 while I was working at the University ( KULeuven ) in Leuven , Belgium . I was working for the computer science department and had to install and test web servers and web browsers for our users . Of course , I needed content to test the servers . At the time , I was also researching where Route 66 ran . I was getting fragments of information from other early Internet users on Route 66 and where it ran in their home town . I was sifting through the information , but I wanted to share what I had already learned in order to move things ahead . What was the initial response ? When I announced the site on usenet 's rec . travel group in June 1994 , I had 600 page views the first week . Today , the site gets more than 700 , 000 page views a monthHow have you kept up the desire to run the site since 1994 ? After traveling Route 66 in the fall of 1994 , my initial reason to keep the site going was an old usenet tradition " those asking questions provide answers to those asking for the same thing after them . I also felt I could help the struggling businesses and towns along Route 66 by sending them more and better informed tourists . What was the Internet like back in 1994 ? id you have a feeling it would be as big as its become ? In 1994 the Internet was very young and the future of the " world wide web " was far from a certain thing . he previous protocols like gopher were clearly not doing all that great . It was also before the creation of ISPs catering to home users . ost users were academics or large corporations . Spam was totally unheJhoy E . Meade The worst papsmare that I 've ever had . The man didn 't have clue when he heard me cry out in pain , or from the other noises I made when he was poking around down there . If I could have avoided that , I would have . It didn 't help that I sat in there freezing by but off for I don 't know how long while I waited for him . It 's like there are alot of aids , but one real nurse and maybe two doctors . I was suppose to be there at 12 : 30 , but I got there 10 mins late . By the time I walking out it was after 4 I 'm sure . I just came for a shot , but since I 'm new I had to get a whole work up . Urine test , blood test , papsmare , breast exam , and then there was all the paper work to see about " floating " my fee since this wasn 't a free clinic like I was told , and to start a chart for me . To top it off I almost felt like they forgot to give me my shot . The only thing I came there for , but it turned out to be the very last thing I got . I was almost given it in my butt . I told her I always got it in my arm . So she let me get it that way , and I got another ban aid to on that arm to go with the one that I got from the blood test . When I was leaving , I was reminded that I had to bring back a few things for the next time I came to help determine how they were going to be paid . So I have to bring back my SSN , a letter to verify my address , and my mom 's pay slip . Well I 'm outside the building now , and I think that I 'll see how far from Fulton Mall I was since it wasn 't as far in the other direction as I thought it was . At the end of the block before I even crossed the street , I see a subway entrance . It couldn 't have been that close . I walked 4 blocks to get here from the subway I found the other day to find out that I passed the stop ? ! ? ! I walked on , and what ? The main subway entrance / exit was just a block away . And the block away was Dekab , and that was a block from the start of Fulton Mall . I did all that walking around for nothing . I could have had all this done yesterday . The only good thing is that I might have found my college . I came home , and mby Let 's see . I don 't remember what we did on Monday , but I think I covered that day already . On Tuesday , we went to get our SSNs , but forgot our passports , so we just picked up a few forms and walked around . We went by a 99cent store that we had seen last week I think , and got a few things . One being a family of rubber duckies for Nika and I got some rice cakes that turned out to be sweet . Nika took one that night and Phillys walked off with a few the next morning . That girl would knock you down if she doesn 't cause you to loose your hearing first over touching her things , but she has every right to take and use anyone else 's stuff . I didn 't really mind that much . I got them to be eaten , and with my Metro Week Pass , I can go spend another $ 1 . 08 or what every they cost and get another one before the week is out . The next day we went back to get our SSNs and we expected to wait forever . We had like 4 newspapers , a pile of coupons and even a coloring book for Nika . Heck , I didn 't get though the first newspaper before we were allowed upstairs . We had to ditch all food . We were allowed to keep the water , but he nail clippers had to go , I hid them on the top of a bookcase in the lobby . I don 't know how much more to tell . No cams were allowed and there were other rules . I can say this . The wait wasn 't that long before we were seen , the place was clean , and Jhodie took longer then I did , and we will get our SSNs in two weeks . When we came out , it was still early , so we went to find the clinic so I could get an appointment to get my shot . I would have done it sooner , but I didn 't get the week pass until Tuesday . The day after I was set to get my next shot , and I had to SSN thing to do . Well we went the wrong way . We walked about 12 blocks in the wrong direction . The only things that came out of it was that we got Nika tired , but she she went to sleep too early and woke up at 10pm , just as Jhodie got back from the gym . We also found a nice pizza place and we looked around a thrift store . We then tried to go to NYU and failed . Jhoy E . Meade We were suppose to go out and walk around today , but we left kinda late . When we did leave , Jhodie had done some washing and we had gotten an invite from my Aunt Phillys . I have an Aunt Phillys and a sister Phillys . but I think that the names are spelled a bit different . Like the " i " and the " y " are switched . Well we went to three super markets . One 99cents store , two eats , Prospect Park and a Merry Go - round and we went to the Prospect Park Zoo . That was the most expensive part . We got kicked out at closing time which was just over an hour after we got there . We liked it . We have to go back so Nika could walk around the " Bran " more . Nika then sat down to have the rest of the lunch we got her , then we walked over to our Aunt 's house for the birthday party . The kid was her grandson who was having the birthday . It seems that Calvin , her son , has decided to have kids without marring the mother . Ofcourse I asked him why , and he seemed like " Ha ? " Guess no had asked him , or no one has asked him in a while , and I don 't think that he expected me to ask him that . We didn 't stay that long . I knew no one there other than Anuty Phillys and her two kids , and there were like 12 other people there . Most of who couldn 't fit into the apt , and were hanging out , out side . I tried to make a run for it , but we were called back to sing happy birthday , and we got out share of the food , and we caused a small verbal fight between our aunt and K , her daughter . I think I know her name , but a long time ago , I 'm sure I was told to call her K . By the time we left , it was about sun set . Phillys wasn 't in a good mood since we left on our walk earlier in the afternoon , and when she showed up at Aunty Phillys ' house , I thought that she was over it . But something was bugging her when were trying to leave . I didn 't know if it was something new , or the old argument that she had with Jhodie that day . Either which way , after we got home she went to talk to mommy all private like when she didn 't like something I said . Then she completely flew off her hanJhoy E . Meade My mom woke me up at 5 : 30 this morning to help her with her baking because her neck was hurting her . I then stayed up for about 2 hours helping then I went back to sleep . My mom isn 't much better off , but this is what she does every Thursday and Friday . Bake goods to sell at he church after sunset on Saturday . I took Nika out to the park , I messed around with the computer I found out on the curb . My torrent files aren 't downloading like they should , and its killing the internet connection for other apps . I have to find and teak something I 'm sure . I just washed up some dishes in the kitchen and cleaned up a bit . We had a nice dinner . Cook - up . We did it in a rice cooker to boot . It came out great . I 'm going to have to wake up mom so she can cut the " cakes " since she knows what size they are suppose to be . Night . . . . * yawnnnnnn * Aresh sent me the pic from his birthday party today . Not happy with it . I never look the way I think . I felt thinner , I felt pretty , and . . . the pic didn 't show any of that . Just a grinning ugly girl . How could I have been hit on twice looking like that ? . . . I already know that the camra hates me , so I 'm not that surprised , but . . . it 's just wrong . Other than that , the phone was ringing off the hook again . I don 't know what time I crawled out of bed , but I work up at 5am at one point , before the whole mad ringing of the phone , to use the bathroom and to turn off the lights , and to be surprised to that I fell asleep before mom left the house for work . I think . She left a note for us saying that she wanted to be woken up at 1 : 45am . Oh , that reminds me . We stayed home yesterday and cleaned , then we went to the gym with Phillys . Not that Phillys came home and took us . She went there right after work , we were suppose to meet her there . Everyone got there late , we got there later than her . Jhodie forgot something and went back to get it , then she passed us where she told us to wait for her . When we got there Nika went to " day care " that would close in less then an hour . We changed down in the locker room . I used a changing stall . I wore my new black work out pants that they got me . We didn 't have much time , so I just got use to a treadmill . It was odd , I tapped it higher on the speed part until I didn 't feel like I was trying to push it along with my feet . Then I started to higher so I would feel like I was kinda pushing myself . I didn 't get a high a Jhodie . She has always walked faster than me to begin with . Phillys ended up using something else since there wasn 't another one of the treadmills free . I went for 30 mins then I had to go get Nika . Nika waited in the locker eating her sandwich while I took a shower . More like tried to take a shower . When I was in high school I didn 't use the showers . So first I walked over to the showers dressed and with the cloths that I was going to change into . Walked back to the bench withby Last week when I went to my friend 's second birthday party , I made it there before he left . Not that I got there on time . I got there like half an hour after the party was suppose to have finished . It seems that he was waiting for someone else and I made it before them . He didn 't think it was me when he first saw me . It wasn 't until I said that he had cut off his hair he realized that it was me . I got a hug for my near running to get there in time to catch him . He more or less introduced me to the two ladies who were there . It seems like they were packing up . I was given some water , and offered some cake . I didn 't like the cake , but I had about 3 cups of water . Getting there was heck . Most of the route had no express service , and I left the house with only one hour left before the party was set to finish . I wore my wig since my hear wasn 't really fit to be seen at a time like this . I wore my new wrap shirt and the jeans with the belt ofcourse . When I go to upper Manhattan , West Harlem really , I go hit on like twice before I walked the 4 blocks to get where the party was suppose to be . Odd . After the gov person that he was suppose to show up came and they talked shop for a bit , he and his new girlfriend walked me to the train station , and I got a parting gift of jug of water . About 2 gals worth . I held it all the way back to Franklin Ave . That was harsh . For most of time I was with Aresh , he would just keep saying that he hadn 't seen me in 10 years and he couldn 't believe that I was there . But he was running off of 4 hours sleep for the last 2 days for some reason , so he couldn 't stay and talk as much as he loved too . So call later , and set up a day to meet and hang out for an hour or so . Oh , he is still the skinny thing I left behind , but he cut off his hair like I said before , and he got a mustache . I was told that he was now bald . I don 't know if that is really the truth or what . What really threw me was that he ate meat now . Raw sweet potato eating Aresh now eats meat . His girl friend was nice , and I think she is aboutby Let 's see . I tried to sleep in a bit after my mom woke up for work at 1 : 40am . But the phone wouldn 't stop ringing , and one was right next to my head and up really loud and then the pest control people showed up . I didn 't care as much as I should . I just made space for Nika on the bed since she was still asleep . I gave the check that mommy left for them to Phillys and pulled the covers up . Jhodie fixed up a few things before they came , but she left . She would get sick from some smell that I didn 't smell back at Dominos in St . Kitts . She wasn 't sticking around to find out if this made her throw up too . I think I woke up when Mommy got back from work . She had a short one this morning . Her next shift is at 4 or so in morning . She sad that she asked for this kind of shift . Then I think I just stayed in bed some more , then somewhere around 10 or so I got up and at one point decided to start cleaning out the cupboards . Jhodie and Phillys went to do some laundry , she told me to get Nika ready so that when she got back she would take her to the park to play . She came back and then said that she was going to shopping and then take Nika to the park . Both of us were mad her , but she said that she won 't have the same shot at discount things from this store for a while , and that she was still going to take Nika , but later . Great ! She then asked me to take a break from cleaning the cupboards and take Nika to the closer park until she got back and she will take her out again when she got back . The other option was for Nika to go to the store with her and Phillys and then be taken to the park later . Nika wasn 't happy . She picked out her out fit for the park and was ready to go the park , and she isn 't really suppose to be running around the store . She wasn 't happy . We were the ones who suggested that Jhodie take her to the park for like 30 mins , then she go shopping , then they go back to the park for an hour before coming home . She didn 't want to , but I was given the job of taking her to play until she got back . We didn 't go anywherJhoy E . Meade And she came over to see us today . She just got here . Weird . Besides the time he came down to St . Kitts to see us , I haven 't seen him since he was what ? 12 years old . And now I have to deal with the fact that he is going to get married and all that . A new person to add to this part of the family . If G ever liked me enough after we really get to spend some time for me to bring him to see my mom , I wouldn 't have a clue how to go about it . In the words of " Back To The Future Mary McFly " , " The is heavy " . Got to go before she comes back in here to be nice to me . I did not put on extra stuff when I heard she was coming . If she wants to meet me , then she will meet me . I have something on , I just didn 't get all dressed up for the visit . Oh . . . before I bale , I did make it out to see the farmer 's market this afternoon . I passed two book stalls and something else in a small park between the museum and my old high school . I think it 's call McNair Park , but don 't hold me to it . I walked around , but since I showed up so late in the day , most of them showed that they were in the sun for a while and even the living flowers needed some watering . There was some organic bread and baked goods , beets , onions , berries , greens of all kinds and one winery . I have their card . Here it is . They have a nice name and so does their wines . " Tickle Me Pink " I was told was good for cooking with . They were out of that one by the time I came by . They all sounded nice , shame I don 't drink . Darn ! I just thought of some thing . I could have gotten one for Aresh for his birthday . Darn ! But it couldn 't be helped . I didn 't have $ 10 for a bottle anyway . I 'll get one for him when I get a job . It will be a belated gift . A very belated gift . I then decided to walk the other way home . That took me way the other way . I ended up over at Western Beef . Just for old time shake and maybe for a bottle of water I went inside . It was ok , I ended up with the little boxes of soy milk flavored with carrot . It 's not bad . It 's a Grace brand named Jus Soy . Right now they are having a by Back again . I really had this to share with you and just forgot when I was rehashing my week . Either way . I signed up for this new letter a while ago , and today they sent me this . I thought it might be nice to share . This is mostly for computer geeks . I like the idea . I would like the idea even more if I could send text messages to cell phones with it . : ) Here you go . Have a nice read . Lets see . The next day Phillys took me shopping for clothes and I got about 5 pieces and the next day found out that the pants were stretch and they were falling off of me so I got a belt yesterday so I could get some decent use out of them . We went to big girl 's shop , I forget the name of the place , but she has card for the place . We stopped off somewhere else first , and Jhodie got a get things there , and later we realized that we forgot one of our bags there and we went back and got it like 2 hours later . Then we stopped to get something to eat at this place that had a Dunkin ' Donuts and a KFC and a Pizza Hut and a Nathans all in the same room . We got in just in time . The rain poured down . We got something from KFC , and I took out a bagel and cream that I had gotten earlier , an we tried to wait it out , but it went on for a while , then we just has to leave . It was a good thing that there was scaffolding for the length of the building and it went right up to a subway . I still needed my umbrella . Phillys didn 't want to carry an umbrella , and would rather get wet than get one . Oh , Jhodie also got a pair of shoes and Nika saw Chucky E . Cheese in the same building . Sometime this month we are suppose to go back . Phillys got a coupon for the place somehow . The next day we were on our own , and went off the the library . We tried to go though the botanical garden , but we didn 't have any money to get in , but it 's free on Tuesday , so we said that we will go back then . Then we passed the museum . That is new . They had " dancing water " out front . We stood there and watched it for a while . Then there was a deck over a glass room in the front of the building , then as we walked around to the other side , there was a green part with seats and part had trees . We went inside to see about maybe getting in . They also had a fee , but they said that they would take anything if you couldn 't meed the recommended fee . We said that we would have to do that another day too . We were able to check my bank account and the $ 110 or so that I had therby Ya . . . I 'm here . I 'm on land , I 'm in NY , I 'm ON LINE ! I have a few things to do , but I will say this . My uncle came for us early on Tuesday morning . We weren 't the only ones at the air port like I thought we were going to be . It turned out to be a busy flight day . Our fight was early , and it was just by luck we got there in time . We got to San Juan earlier because the fight showed up early , and then we thought that we had to check in our luggage in for or next flight despite the fact that it wasn 't until 5pm that afternoon and it was just like what ? 11am ? Oh , we got our temp green cards before we got out luggage . It didn 't take anywhere near the length of time we were told . It was maybe 30 mins ? We found a luggage storage space just before we checked in , so we could go out and check out some of the island . Our problem was that we forgot that nothing is near an airport and being in a Spanish speaking place , we couldn 't get to where we wanted to go , and didn 't know how easily it was going to be to get back in time to check in for or next flight . So we didn 't go anywhere , and just walked around the place . This put a strain on us after a while . Jhodie and I hadn 't slept since Monday night . I walked around because I couldn 't sit on the floor in my skirt , unlike Jhodie and Nika who wore pants , and I left Jhodie combing Nika 's hair . When I came back they were both asleep . Nika out on the floor with her head on Jhodie 's leg , and Jhodie with her fingers just at the end of one of the plats on Nika 's head . We ate something at McDonald 's , and that helped to keep me awake , but at 3pm we decided to get a porter to get our stuff our stuff from storage for checking in . To get them there it was $ 6 , to take them to check it was $ 9 I think . The storage was $ 19 or so , I 'm not sure . It wasn 't all for nothing , we couldn 't have been walking around with them for all that time , but get this , after the whole scanning and checking in and passing though the detectors after standing in a very long line , we found more stuff on the other side for us by Hi everyone . I 've been cleaning and washing and sleeping and trying to download a few things , and get a few things fixed , and saying good bye to a few people . My Uncle just had one of his last stabs at using me for computer help . We are just about done with the cleaning up of the house . There will be small things left undone , but they will be small all but two . One , the guy never came back for the last pick up of stuff to throw out , so there are bags of trash and one old mattress out in our cleaned up yard waiting for pick up . It 's looking like we will have to leave the money with Little Ray to pay someone to come and take them out after we are gone . He said that he will be moving in on the Saturday . The other slightly big thing that we didn 't get done was washing the small carpet / rug for the living room for the baby to more or less live on . We were going to do it last night , and let it dry until we left , but we couldn 't find our scrub brush , and by the time we got one , it was too late . My mother put a request in for banana leaves yesterday to go long with the other things she wanted us to bring up for her . Jhodie doesn 't think that she will be able to fine any Manseport . It 's a fruit . A big one that you aren 't suppose to eat at night they say . But she is off the get the breadfruit . We have the four kinds of tea leaves . We are hoping that no one stops us at the airport thinking that the " Worm Grass " is weed . That will take up way too much time . The coconut water and jelly , seem like they don 't want to completely freeze . I think that there was something else , but I can 't remember what it is right now . I do remember that Phillys wants us to bring her some $ 1 bread , ten cents bread and cheese . I don 't know . The bread I kinda understand , but why the cheese ? Either which way , we are getting her the $ 15 can . We are suppose to take down our line and put the palm tree there , but I don 't know if we will get to it . We are repacking , or just packing our stuff today , and doing the last bits of cleaning up , and maybe doing a paJhoy E . Meade |
A blog about anything or sometimes about nothing . A place for me to write and post my feelings or opinions on things ranging from parenting to waiting tables to living in America to daily observations and my personal experiences . Sometimes I just want to give people a humorous read and make them laugh at the end of a trying day . I don 't know any server or bartender who says they look forward to New Year 's Eve . It 's rookie night , just like Valentine 's , Mother 's or Father 's Day . Somebody has forced them to go out and eat and waste their hard earned money so who gets the short end of the stick ? Us servers . You have to pay your tab , you don 't have to tip . I went into work an hour early just to be prepared . By five o ' clock the place was filling up quickly and not with regulars . I walked by the host stand where the owner was standing and said " Take a look around the place , it looks like we 're working in a nursing home . " All in all it wasn 't a bad night , just a long one . We close at nine thirty so I wasn 't really worried . Most people tend to be where they want to be at midnight by around nine and since we close at nine thirty , unless they want to help mop the floor and put up chairs they leave once they eat . My last table sat down at eight thirty , two women . They ordered an appetizer and one woman ordered a chicken dish to eat . I thought I got lucky , I could have two women out of there in little over an hour even if they took their time . Then after the appetizer they told me they had four more people coming after nine o ' clock to join them and then they would order . I sucked it up and played the cards I 'd been dealt . It 's all part of doing what I do for a living . You can sulk or make their visit amazing , even when you don 't feel like it and hope they take care of you after you take excellent care of them . Around nine fifteen the other four arrived . The first man said loudly " We 're here to ring in the New Year , bring me a bottle ! " as he set his Stetson hat on the floor beside him . ( Welcome to the south ) I 've never gone out for New Year 's Eve , which may be attributed either to the fact I 've been a server for over thirty five years or when I was a kid always went to the Sunday School party my parents attended . Let me say , those were some rocking parties and went on until breakfast . . . no alcohol involved just good Christian folks having a blast . I remember one year when it was at my parent 's best friend 's house . Their seventeen year old daughter came by a little before midnight with her boyfriend to check in and the house was so loud they could hear the adults from the street . Mrs . Hiers ( the church pianist ) was banging away on the piano and people were singing along , loud and out of tune . It kinda reminded me of the time Aunt Bee on Andy Griffith got toasted on The Elixir from the traveling medicine man and her whole social group got locked up for public drunkenness . They were singing " Toots , Toots , Tootsie Goodbye . . . " and Aunt Bea 's hair was all in her face . Classic episode . It will be funniest twenty minutes you 've spent in a while , trust me ! My parents and their friends knew how to and always did have a good time . They didn 't need chemicals or alcohol . They partied til dawn and then all cooked breakfast together before gathering us kids to take home . She also wanted a small angel wing pendant to wear around her neck to hold some of my late Diddy 's ashes . ( yes I am a hoarder and saved some ) We got her an opal ring ( my momma 's birthstone ) and a super cute maxi skirt . I picked her up a few more little things and she seemed very happy . My brother got her a pair of kick a * * knee high lace up leather boots and she got plenty from my sister , brother in law and her cousins . We went to my in laws on Christmas Eve and she came home with another load . Zach got a much needed wallet , some nice sweaters , a few beanies he always wears and another pair of shoes . The boy owns two pair of shoes . . . all he needs " He says . " I broke down and bought him an iPhone . I found it on Amazon . It 's just like the one I have only there is a tiny quarter inch crack in the upper left hand corner of the back . When the case is on it you can 't even see it and the people sold it because they updated to an 5s . I got it for one fifty and told him all he had to do was pay to have it activated and choose a plan . Now I can have my phone back ! He works late at night and always have him take my cell in case something happens on the road . Massey and I went to Ross - Mess For Less and got Tim some nice dress pants and shirts . I made sure all the zippers and buttons were there and worked and sizes were right . You gotta pay attention at Ross ' ! It was a rough pre Christmas week . I got sick a week before Christmas as the Flu stampeded through my workplace . I went to work every day came home , fell in bed and got up the next day thirty minutes before I had to leave for work . I washed my hands at least fifty times a shift , was careful not to touch food and coughed into my sleeve . My fever finally broke after four days and started to feel somewhat better . I should have gone to the Doc in the Box but thinking about how many presents I could buy with the money kept me away . I mean the Flu is the Flu . You have to be careful about contamination , wash your hands relentlessly and pump yourself full of vitamin C . Not one of my regulars came back sick so guess I did a pretty good job . We all spent the day together and had a fantastic time . I know Tim 's family is my family too . . . but THIS is my immediate family . No parents left , just three kids and the kids they 've had . ( or in Chris ' case , spoiled ) TJ , my oldest was still in Australia . It was me , Tim , Zach and Massey . We went to my sister and brother in law 's house joined by her two sons and their partners . My nephew Casey and his fiancee brought her daughter , Ava ( a delightful girl ) Well , guess I 'd better be ready because it 's thirteen minutes into Christmas Day . Spent the day with my bestie , Massey . We went to Ross Mess For Less and got ole Tim some new work clothes , two pair of nice pants and two shirts . Massey asked what size pants we were looking for ? Here 's the thing about Tim . When I met him ( over twenty five years ago ) he wore a 32x34 and thinks he still does . ( he doesn 't ) I implore you , does the above photo ( a year ago ) look like the face of a man who wears a size 32 waist ? Me no think so . For Pete 's sake , a size 34 waist isn 't bad for a fifty one year old man and he looks a lot better in pants that fit . Today I stepped up to reality for my man and told Massey we were looking for 34x34 . Here 's the thing with a man , you simply cut off the tag with the size on it and give it to them . Then they go put the pants on ( which now fit perfectly ) look in the mirror and feel good about how great they look in their new jeans or slacks . Men are simple creatures and when guided through life by a good wife will go far ! We came home and started baking . I decided to bake Christmas presents for friends this year . It beats spending ten bucks on a crappy gift from Big Lots which would most probably get re gifted or sold in a yard sale . This one comes from our heart . . . right into their belly ! I made four dozen chocolate chip cookies , took my boss 's advice and used parchment paper . They turned out fantastic ! Massey made Rice Krispie treats while I tried my hand at cheese straws for the first time . It was trial and error but they ended up pretty good . We ran out of time for the Danish Wedding cookies but will make those tomorrow . We delivered the tins and everyone seemed to like them . Massey took a tin to the older man who lives around the corner from us . I bought my beloved , Johnny Dear from him . He lost his wife last year around this time . Massey had sent him a letter for his birthday last month when his daughter posted on Facebook that if anyone wanted to make her father 's birthday a little brighter , send him a note for his birthday . He framed Massey 's letter and hung it on his kitchen wall . She wrote to him saying how she always drives by and sees him working in his yards . She told him her mother had bought the John Deere from him and it was her prized possession . She said seeing him every time she turned the corner always made her smile . We took the tin to his house today and the driveway was packed with all his kid 's and grand kid 's cars . We parked at the end of the driveway and walked to the front door . The kid who opened the door was his grandson , Zach . Talk about a handsome young man , he even made me blush . When we went in , his mom noticed it was Massey behind me and said to her father " Daddy , here 's someone you 've got to meet ! " He came around the corner of the crowded kitchen and said " Are you my birthday angel ? " Zach goes next door once a month and spends over an hour helping our old neighbor unload firewood from his truck . Zach will walk over and talk to him when he 's outside for thirty minutes at a time . I just get in my car to go to work and wave bye to him . I 'm loved by my husband , I 'm loved by my kids . I 'm loved by my sister and brother and have the most excellent unobtrusive in laws a girl could ever dream of . I have a good job and have a house that will be paid off in four years . I have people who love me , a brother in law who has helped us out time and time and time again and I have God , Who has made it all possible . So we had our company Christmas party tonight . I am one of the senior servers so took charge of the present for the bosses . I collected money to give them so they could do what they wanted with it . I hate to waste money on something they don 't want so we ( I ) decided to just give them back what they give us . . . a paycheck . I had a letter all typed up to read and had rehearsed it over and over . When I read it got so emotional that I sounded like an idiot . Sometimes younger employees just don 't get it so I made it something I hoped they could all understand This is a family owned business . They have invested their entire lives for us to be able to make a buck . Yes they are crazy but you have to be to own a restaurant . I collected money from the other servers and bought a really nice card to put it in . My real reason was to let the younger peeps working there to know how lucky they are to work for a family instead of a corporate giant . I got so choked up reading it I had to stop twice for a sip of water . Decided to include the letter I so poorly read . Len is the owner , his wife is Barb and their son is Leon . We have a lot of new people at our party tonight so I 'll bring them up to date . I 've known the Guillaumes for almost seventeen years . Believe it or not , Leon and I used to be servers together when we first met . Yes . . . LEON was a server . His mother worked across the street from us at Pascal 's and used to stop in to pick up food to go and that 's how we first met . I didn 't meet Dr . Evil ( Len ) until he became a manager for the steakhouse chain I worked for . I stayed working at the steakhouse for almost twelve years until they fired me for giving my daughter a cup of ice cream for free . My husband had been out of work for over a year and I was supporting the entire family on a server 's salary . I was completely devastated and more depressed than I had ever been . Actually it was Leon who first called me and told me to come see Barb about working for them . It took me over a week of wallowing in my pity before I went to see Barb . When I walked in the door she was perched in her chair by the men 's restroom with a lap full of receipts . The first thing she said was " Where have you been , I 've been looking for you . " I told her I had been looking for myself too . They hired me on the spot . It was a horrible time in my family 's life . I had to file for food stamps and put my kids on medicare . We almost lost our house . For the first two years I worked almost every shift Mama Lucia 's was open , often times all of them . Without the Guillaumes , we would have gone under . Instead they helped us survive . I can 't tell you how many times Barb bailed me out when our utilities were scheduled to be cut off . Fast forward . . . YES they are ( as my daughter says ) CRAY CRAY , most definitely . I learned that on my first day here . What I also learned was if you work hard and give it your all , they 'll take care of you . Back to the Cray Cray part . Barb is about as tech savvy as Wilma Flintsone . She knows what the lap top in the office is but for some unknown reason calls the P / C " The Master . " I 've been here almost four years and have never figured that one out . One time Len asked me to respond to an email for him , he was on the line cooking . I asked Barb if she could bring up the email on the lap top and she said sure . Fifteen minutes later I walked by the office door and asked if she had email open ? Her reply was " No , but I 'm getting closer . " Len is the true epitome of a Mad Italian . He can be meek and mild one minute then explode in the next instant . I told him one time that we were going to buy him a tee shirt that read on the front : FIVE . . . FOUR . . . THREE . . . TWO . . . ONE ! ! I remember when a friend of mine used to work here and on one of her first days on the floor walked in the door and asked Len how he was ? He didn 't skip a beat , kept right on doing what he was doing and simply said " Well , I 'm still married to Barb . " This family , our bosses , our avenue of financial survival and security work harder than any one of us in this room ever has , I can almost bet you . Len is eight years older than I am and has worked almost ninety hours a week for over six years , 360 days of the year . Barb , who is ten years older than me ( you 're welcome , Barb ) is here every day as well except when Len can convince or make her mad enough to take a shift off . I 'll admit it can be challenging at times working here . I 'll admit sometimes you can get discouraged or feel unappreciated . I 've been a server for over thirty five years and have felt that way at every job I 've had . Here 's the huge difference . We don 't work for a huge corporation that couldn 't care less . We work for a family who has poured all their money , heart and soul into a venue that allows us all to survive . Accept this small token of appreciation from us and do whatever you want with it . Fix something broken , treat yourselves to something you want or just put it in the bank . Just know that it is heart felt . It was an awesome party and feel lucky to be a part of the team . It 's the only Christmas party I 've gone to this year but is one I would never miss . Even came home with three boxes of leftovers and three hundred dollars in hard cold cash . Support small business . . . GO AMERICA ! I was starting to get worried about Christmas . Waiting tables is a hit or miss job even if you give excellent service all the time . Some people simply don 't get it . Servers make $ 2 . 13 an hour . Taxes on your tips are taken out of that salary . Then as with most places , the server has to tip out to the bartenders on alcohol sales and also tip out to hosts and bus boys . So if you leave a server a fifteen percent tip , they actually get eleven or twelve percent after tip out . I 've been struggling this holiday season . Sometimes you get great tables and sometimes you get horrible tables . I 've had a few bad ones , no one 's fault just my luck of the draw . They were loving me and I was hitting all the marks . The cooks did an outstanding job and the job they do makes a huge difference in the way my night can go . Cooks are a temperamental bunch and can be complete A Holes at times . They think we are all idiots and we think they all are . It makes for lively conversation sometimes . One of the newer cooks said to another cook , " What 's she talking about ? " One of the older cook 's , who reads my Blog said " She says the expo window divides the restaurant . We 're North Korea and they 're South Korea . " ( unless you ask a cook , then it flips the other way ) Tim picked me up from work and I was in the back finishing up cleaning the tables from my last party when the owner hollered back ( we were closed by then ) " Kelly ! Your husband 's here for his half of your take . " I walked out and said to Tim , waiting for me to finish " I only made twenty bucks tonight , baby . " Yes I work for and with some crazy folks but guess that 's why I fit in so well . After almost four years of working almost seven days a week every week , the tide is slowly turning . I 'm working six shifts a week compared to the thirteen I used to work and have actually begun to gain a little weight back and feel like we can make it now . Tim has a great lead on a full time job , all three kids are working and the tide seems to finally be turning our way . I wasn 't worried about Christmas for my family . I gave the kids a low budget and already have all of Massey 's paid for . I 'm paying for Zach 's tomorrow and have already gotten a few other presents . I was more worried about the little girl we had adopted from The Salvation Army . I was worried I had bitten off too much to chew but tonight changed everything . . . she 'll have a great Christmas now and get everything on her wish list ! I am one of the most blessed people on the planet and don 't think for a minute that I don 't realize it . Charging ahead full steam . I still have eighteen days to go in our Holiday Season at the restaurant and have a good feeling about it . He seems happy though and that makes me happy . We still have his " boy " Charlie living large with us . Loving the little doofus was hard to get used to but fat boy has worked his way into my heart and now love him like crazy . Tim calls him " Chally Fat Boy " and I call him " Chally TWO Phat . " He rarely answers to anything , we think he 's most probably deaf and already know he 's dumb but he 's deafinitely ( small pun ) one of the family . He 's got a face you GOTTA love . So the Clampetts are doing Christmas again . It 's gonna be another slim year but I quit worrying about that over four years ago . One good thing about not having a lot of money is you learn to enjoy the Reason for the Season . I often think about families this time of year who don 't even HAVE a house or place to call home TO lose . I think about people suffering from cancer or other horrible , devastating sometimes ( often ) fatal diseases . I think about little kids who are abused or neglected . I think about people starving in third world countries . I think about women who live in countries where they can 't even receive an education . I think about how utterly stupid our own politicians are , worried more about the party they are affiliated with than the people they represent . I ask you all this holiday season to look around yourself and see others . Lend a hand or just an ear . Touch someone 's life . Make a true difference . puzzling and puzzling , how could it be so ? It came without ribbons . It came without tags . It came without packages , boxes or bags . And he puzzled and puzzled ' till his puzzler was sore . Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn 't before . What if Christmas , he thought , doesn 't come from a store . What if Christmas , perhaps , means a little bit more . " Life is all about Karma . What goes around comes around . Life is all about the Golden Rule . Treat others as you would treat yourself . Life is not what you make of it but what you take from it and pay forward . Our world is in serious need of a make over . I worry about the world as much as I do about my own family . We all live in the same place . A very Merry Christmas to each and every one of you . Take a minute , even just ten seconds out of your day to think about people less fortunate than yourself and then count YOUR blessings . Count them one by one and you will also be amazed what The Lord has done . We got a new guy at work . He 's a full blooded Indian from Oaklahoma and just moved here to Newnan . Kind of ironic , the county we live in is " Coweta " the name of a former tribe . I 've never worked with a full blooded Native American but respect the heck out of them . We raped them of their land and rights , took over their nation and as my younger son Zach said " Shoved them all into a tiny territory . " He 's a really nice guy and has tried hard to fit into our dysfunctional work family . Here 's the thing , he 's a klutz . He bumps into you constantly ( and is not a tiny Indian ) . He 's studied the menu and tried hard to learn all the dishes and done an excellent job . He 's just a klutz , but are a lot worse things a person could be . I like to call him Chief , some call him Injun but he takes it all in the spirit which it is given . His real name is Joe . A couple of weeks ago he was in the kitchen at work and knocked over a huge stained glass screen that hides all the brooms and dustpans from customers being able to see them . The bottom panel cracked and fell out and I could tell he was sick about it . Luckily , Barb had gone to the store for something so we patched it up with duct tape and no one mentioned it when she got back . Saturday night he was doing his sidework which included marrying the racks of coffee mugs by the coffee station which sits right by the door leading to the dining room . He pulled the bottom rack out and pulled it a bit too far and the entire front of the rack fell to the floor sending the china cups crashing to the tile floor and rolling out into the dining room . The rack fell on the top of one of his feet and as he leaned back in pain against the wall behind him ( which houses all controls for the lighting in the entire restaurant ) and slumped down a bit he inadvertently turned down every light in the store . Lucky for him ( again ) Barb was gone on break and we all helped him sweep up the mess before she got back . Barb is so tight she could pinch a penny til it screamed . The minute she hears a crash anywhere in the restaurant , her head snaps quickly to the side and she hurries off to see what we have broken now . So Tall Bull in a china shop got off easy again . When Barb got back she immediately asked who had been messing with the lights , it was dark as night in the place . Oops , we forgot to push the light switches back up after Chief fell into the wall . So about an hour later was in the back of the kitchen when Tall Bull in a china shop was trying to cut up the Parmesan cheese . Len ( the owner ) buys a huge wheel that is hard as heck to cut and has a huge two handled knife over two feet long just for that purpose . Tall Bull in a china shop had a knife like the ones we use to cut bread with and was sawing away at the wheel of cheese which is the diameter of a basketball . He said the Len , " Is this the knife I should be using for this ? " to which Len replied that was the worst knife to use . I chuckled at that and before I could stop myself said " Somebody get him a tomahawk . " I did go over and find the two handled knife for him and showed him how to use it . About three years ago , Barb hired a gal who was a total spastic wreck . I know Barb felt sorry for her ( Barb always likes to have a pet project ) but the gal just couldn 't catch on . Her name was Janine . Len made her a nervous wreck and she was terrified of him . Here 's the thing about Len : do your job EXACTLY the way he tells you to and you won 't have any problem . Well , maybe one or two . . . he IS a Mad Italian but work hard and you can fly under the radar for the most part . Any time he would tell her to do something , she always tried to go one step further , which isn 't what he wants . He wants you to do exactly what he tells you to do . One time he told her to take more bread to a table . He had stopped by to chat with them and said he 'd have the server bring more bread out with their meal . He went to find Janine and told her to take more bread to table 202 . She made the fatal mistake of saying " They don 't want anymore . " Let 's just say that set him off . He said " Did I ASK you if they wanted more or did I TELL you to take them more ? " Here 's the thing , when he stopped by to chat they said they had changed their mind and more bread would be nice . When the owner of a restaurant tells you to do something , unless it is illegal or not job related , you 'd best do it . I learned that one YEARS ago . One night , a busy Friday night Janine was standing by the expo counter and in the middle of a huge push ( that means we were balls to the walls busy ) knocked the printer off the counter which sends checks to the cooks . It hit the floor and busted open , but that 's not all . As she tried to catch the printer from falling she knocked the huge container of pasta spoons onto the floor and as she tried to catch that from falling as well , knocked a container of steak knives onto the floor as well . When the ole gal goofed , she did it royally . Len had to come off the cook line and fix the printer while the rest of us picked up all the spoons and knives . I 've been a server since 1979 . That 's a long time no matter what you do for a living . I enjoy it for the most part , it 's fast paced but that 's the way I am geared . Even if it 's balls to the walls busy , there will always be down time when you can laugh and trust me , working with the public gives you plenty of things to laugh about . Even though we are family we are a divided family . Cooks vs Servers . All cooks think servers are complete idiots and all servers think cooks are complete asses . Who 's right ? It depends on which side of the kitchen you work . Take tonight , for example . A cook , who can be a total Richard Noggin ' was taking a break . He had fixed his dinner on a plate and it held two apples and carrot sticks . Being the smarty pants I am said " What are you , a horse now ? ' When he smirked at me I turned to another server and said " And we thought he was a Jack Ass ! " It 's our beach season in the restaurant world . We have six weeks to pad our nest egg . Large parties every night and lots of peeps out to celebrate . It started slow for me but that 's just the way it is . Waiting tables is always a gamble . You roll big or you crap out . You just keep on keeping on and hope it all averages out in your favor . When I started working for them they were located in a small strip mall . Next door was the original Starship , another blast from the past . Back then we just called it a Head Shop but had the coolest tee shirts , all kinds of trinkets and great posters too . Johnny 's was on the end of the strip , Starship was next , then a printing company . Next to that was a locksmith then on the other end a tailor shop . I remember it like it was yesterday . Oh , the eighties ! I had a good run with Johnny 's . I grew up while working there and developed the work ethic I still have today from working for Scott . ( although everyone who didn 't know him always called him Johnny ) I actually met my husband there . He used to come in after work with his buddies for pizza and beer . It was a local watering hole and neighborhood hangout for the locals and airport workers . There was an older black guy we called Shine . . . he shined shoes at the airport and liked his chilled Burgundy wine in a paper cup . This was back when they had Sky Caps at Hartsfield , usually always black men who helped you unload your luggage at the curb ( for a tip ) way back when you could park curbside to unload before a flight . They all came into Johnny 's to eat or drink . Ramp workers , sky caps , shoe shiners , flight attendants , even leads and management . We were right down the street from the Eastern hangar . It was a cool place to work and an even cooler place to hang out . It was housed in an old Huddle House . It had maybe ten swivel stools at the counter and six booths . They built three longer booths at the back of the store for larger parties . There was a group of guys from Ethiopia who played soccer together and came in regularly after games and always drained the Heineken supply . . . dang those men could drink . It was a laid back place to work without many rules . One guy used to come in to eat and drink with his buddies , sit at one of the back long booths and bring his pet hawk on his arm covered with a thick heavy leather glove . You don 't see THAT every day . Back in the eighties professional wrestling was getting big again . The gas station next door to us and across the bridge let wrestler 's park their cars in their lots when they flew out to other cities for a match . I waited on Andre the Giant many times , he was a freak of nature but a nice enough guy . Rick Flair , Dusty Rhodes , and even The Assassins ( I and II ) came in . The great thing about Johnny 's was it was a neighborhood pizzeria . I am still FB friends with many many peeps who used to frequent the store . My own Diddy used to come in with his church buds every week after visitation for a sub or pizza . It was an unpretentious and all welcoming place to be and work . The Ethiopian dudes used to sideline as parking attendants at The Omni and got us many free tickets to shows . To name a few , Bob Seger , Cyndi Lauper , and Eddie Money . Yep it was the eighties and they were some hot groups to see . It was great seeing my old boss again . He was always a stand up guy and taught me how to be a grownup at the age of twenty two . He was my first mentor . Dang , sometimes being a waitress rules . I know I 'm supposed to call myself a " Server " but am old school and still consider myself a waitress . Always have been , always will be . I waited on two peeps , a mother and son , waited on five teachers having their Christmas gift exchange when my Christmas Angel came in . She 's only a bit older than me , a Coweta County native and one of my favorite people . She suffers from MS . I have a brother in law who suffers from it too . It seems when you have MS all you do is suffer from it . No cure , just coping . Tonight she ambled into the restaurant on her walker with her daughter , who could be a freakin model she 's so pretty and they sat at my table . I would love nothing more than to be able to go out to dinner with my momma but lost her when I was seventeen . Hope I can hang around a few more years for Massey and me to do the same for years to come . This woman not only suffers from MS , she suffers from losing her husband to cancer a year ago . Every time I go to her house she is a delight to be around . She is a strong minded and sound woman and I admire her . I walked them out to the car carrying the box and gave her a hug , I think she hugged me even tighter . I went back inside to clear the table and picked up the credit card slip . I didn 't have my glasses on and thought she had left me a fifty percent tip . I shook my head thinking she shouldn 't have done that . Twenty minutes later I put my glasses on and realized she had left me an almost hundred percent tip . Now I can pay off my cell phone bill and buy some presents for more kids through The Salvation Army . What goes around comes around . What 's even more important is when someone pays it forward to you , pay it forward to another . I just can 't grasp or understand all the politics . I can 't understand all the political fighting . I can 't understand the back biting and back stabbing . I sincerely think the American people have forgotten the most important words . " WE the people " Loosely translated by this girl it all means " Live and let live . Love as you would want to be loved . Do unto others as you would have them do unto you . " In my book that pretty much covers it all . I used to get all into decorating the house and front yard , especially when the kids were younger . Now my youngest is over eighteen and living away at college so guess I 'll get a tree and let it go at that . I have all the lights for the front bushes in boxes out in the garage but doubt I 'll put them up . There 's always that one strand which blows a fuse and they all go out , plus I used to love to come home from work and see the yard all lit up . Now I 'd just drive home , see them and think about how the power bill was going up . I haven 't even THOUGHT about Christmas shopping . I 've never been one of those early shoppers , even when Tim and I were making good money . We 've always made sure all December 's bills were paid before we even started to shop and then paid cash for what we purchased . It 's still one of the best rules we 've ever come up with . I have plenty of memories of the kids at Christmas when they were little . We always put their toys and presents out , unwrapped like Santa had come . I 've always been a server and most always worked nights . I can remember coming home from work or the in laws on Christmas Eve and wishing the kids would go to bed so I could get started on my Santa duty . More than once I can remember saying to the kids " You sound like you 're coming down with a cold . You don 't want to be sick Christmas morning , take this Benadryl , it 'll help you stay well . " After they were knocked out I 'd get started and could be as loud as I wanted . Now they are all older , we can enjoy Christmas as it should be enjoyed , " The Reason for the Season . " It 's the time to bake cookies and cheese straws . It 's the time to go by The Salvation Army and pick up a small list of things some child wished for . It 's the time to invite friends over who have nowhere to go on Christmas Day . It 's the time to reflect and affect . When I worked for the After School Program at my kid 's elementary school , I saw kids who broke my heart . I 'll never forget one little girl , she couldn 't have been more than nine years old . Her momma was a big ole slob who didn 't have a pot to piss in but always had a manicure and fake nails . Her daughter always looked ragged and dirty but was such a sweet girl . When the kids came back to school after Christmas break I remember my boss asking this little girl what she got from Santa ? The little girl 's face lit up and she said " I got a candy bar and a five dollar bill ! " I think this was one Christmas when we bought our boys a PlayStation , and Massey got spoiled too . Another little boy , Chase was just as pitiful . He came to school every day nasty and constantly had a snotty nose . His fingernails were long and disgustingly dirty . One day I kept him in when the other kids went out to play . I sat him down and took out some nail clippers . When I cut his nails , he cringed every time I pressed the clippers . How sad is it that a child is frightened of having his nails clipped because it happened so infrequently ? Here 's my biggest gripe . If you don 't want to take care of children or attempt to give them a good life . . . don 't have them . If you are selfish , that 's fine but don 't bring a child into this world and then neglect them while you take care of yourself . Today was a rainy day . . . all day . That isn 't the kind of day you like when you have three big dogs . I kept waiting for the rain to stop so I could go to the grocery store but by three realized we would starve if I waited for the rain to stop . I used to love Publix , never shopped anywhere but . When our life hit the skids a few years back I switched to Kroger . I would have done the Walmart route but when you go there for groceries suddenly you think of a million other things you need and wander off from the grocery aisles and end up over in the hardware , auto or garden dept . Kroger is cheaper and I like saving gas points but have found me an even cheaper option . Food Depot . You shouldn 't go there the day food stamps come out , the place is a mad house but at least peeps living off the govt . are stretching OUR dollars . I 'm not dissing them , at one time a few short years ago I was one of them and my own family received govt assistance . We wouldn 't have made it without it . So anyway , I go into Food Depot to pick up the bare minimum . Paid a couple of bills and had forty bucks for gas and groceries . Here 's what I like about Food Depot , poor peeps are pretty much the friendliest peeps you 'll meet . They aren 't in any kind of hurry . They are just going back home to depressing squalor . They all seem to know each other , unlike Publix , Kroger or even Walmart . I was rounding the first aisle in produce when an old man started chatting me up . " Beep beep , here I come " he said . I smiled and let him pass . We met up again in the meat section . He asked me where something was and for the life of me couldn 't understand him . He had no teeth . He looked clean and his tattered clothes looked clean but simply couldn 't understand him . I finally figured out he was looking for Jimmy Dean sausage , the patties . I pointed back to the bacon when he said " Don 't leave me hanging , come show me where they is " so I did . He thanked me and said " I oughta take you home wit me . " I took absolutely no offense but some people would . He meant it as a compliment and I took it that way . He waved as we parted ways in frozen foods . As I was bagging my own groceries ( just to help out ) a worker there came up to help and asked me where I got my shoes ? I had on what Massey calls my Tater shoes . I love them , bought them about sixteen years ago when we first moved here . Ziggy had pulled the leather laces out and chewed them up but I bought more and are my favorite shoes , wide at the toe and the most comfortable shoes I 've ever owned . We chatted a bit about my shoes then I loaded up my bags and left . We spent Thanksgiving at my brother 's new house in Orlando this year . He invited us all down for Thanksgiving , his treat . He just bought a big house on a beautiful lake and even has a twenty four foot Sea Ray . We were all excited ! We went down in shifts . My sister , my daughter and I left first on Tuesday around noon . We drove thirty minutes and stopped for lunch . . . you gotta love driving with women . My Cotton luck kicked right in around Tifton , Georgia and rain began to pour in buckets . The wind was crazy , the people driving were crazy and then the lightning was crazy . Her defroster only semi worked but the windshield was still hard to see out of and I was a nervous wreck . I hated to be a sissy and tell her how much I despise driving in the rain , especially since she was the one who letting us bum a ride down with her . So I 'm in the slow lane , forcing myself to go fifty when the first lightening bolt hit that seemed like it was twenty feet away . My nerves were shot and kept hoping to see an exit sign . We finally saw one and told them I had to stop for a minute . We pulled into the first gas station and I pulled up next to a pump even though we had a full tank . ( The pumps had a roof over them ) We went back around the side and entered the store again . I told Massey to buy me a coke , handed her some money and tried to calm my nerves outside as I watched the rain blow sideways . My sister went to the restroom next and came back to announce she had seen cleaner rest rooms in Cuba while on a mission trip . Feeling braver I got back into the driver 's seat and off we went again . I got on the highway and the guy behind me started honking . I looked down and saw I was going 40 MPH so I took a deep breath and kicked it up to 55 . Not ten minutes later while Cin was talking on her cell to her husband I heard a thump coming from the fast lane and saw a car hydroplaning then spinning in circles headed straight for the front of our car . It was close enough for me to touch it out the window . I slowed down so it wouldn 't hit us and the driver over corrected and started spinning back the other way . The car hit the median and came to a stop against the inside wall facing oncoming traffic . Massey called 911 and I just kept going , praying someone didn 't slam into the wrecked car facing traffic . By this point my nerves were completely shot , then it got even worse . The lightning was downright frightening every time it cracked and I saw something on the median wall up ahead . As we got closer we saw it was a huge boat sitting on top of the wall with it 's trailer still in the lane of traffic and the car that had been pulling it a little further down . Needless to say I once again started praying for an exit sign . For some reason idiot drivers feel it necessary to put their hazard lights on which only confuse the cars behind them . We limped to the next exit and I was still shaking when we got out of the car . The windshield was so smudged up from us trying to wipe it clear you could barely see out of it so we went to a Dollar Store and bought some windex and paper towels . By the time we got the windshield clear the rain had slacked up but I still handed the keys back to my sister . Tag , you 're it . Chris had gone grocery shopping with a detailed shopping list my sister had sent him and the kitchen was stocked with everything we needed to cook the Thanksgiving dinner . He also had a full supply of anything you might think you may want to drink . Water bottles , Snapple , plenty of wine , red and white . All kinds of beer , scotch , vodka , tequila and all the mixers . . . things were looking up ! The next morning he worked a half a day and we went out for a couple of last minute items we 'd forgotten about . We were driving back home when a flock of tiny white birds fluttered in the sky above the car . Just as we noticed them , a huge Bald Eagle swooped into the flock of tiny birds . It was the most amazing , tremendous bird I 've ever seen and was so close we could see it in detail . You certainly don 't see a Bald Eagle every day ! Chris got home around noon and took us out on his boat . it 's a beautiful boat and large enough for him to take out in the ocean . We backed out of the slip and I shouted out " Take off , Sonny Crockett ! " and he did ! It was a beautiful but windy day and we had to hang onto our hats but had a great time . By this time our next crew was on the way down , Tim and Cindy 's son , Casey . Massey and Chris left to go pick up a Honey Baked Ham and brought us all back subs for dinner . Cindy and I got busy doing some chopping and preparations for Thursday . we got most all the casseroles put together and a lot of little things out of the way . We played cards after dinner around the huge dining room table Chris bought since we were having Thanksgiving at his house . It seats ten easily . It was nice just being with my brother and sister again . Massey got to see first hand how funny we all ( think we ) are when together , especially when it 's cocktail time . Thanksgiving morning Massey went to the airport to pick up Cin 's husband who flew down and the party grew even larger . The boys played golf and Cin and I got busy cooking . Let 's just say we outdid ourselves . Chris ' next door neighbor and his girlfriend joined us for dinner and the feast started . Everything turned out great and we totally stuffed ourselves . A bunch went out on the boat after dinner and we got everything put up into the fridge . We played cards after dinner and some watched football . Cin taught us a new card game , Nertz . You have to get the hang of it first but turned out to be a pretty fun game . Once again the beer , wine and cocktails flowed freely . Some more friends of my brother 's were dropping by later on and my other nephew ( Griffin ) and his girlfriend were flying down around seven to join us . Griffin 's girlfriend is a cutie pie , Hawaiian and they make a really cute couple . Around eight or so we had probably six or seven of us around the huge table playing cards and the football games were blaring out in surround sound on the huge flat screen in the living room and were partying up a storm when the kitchen door opened and Griffin 's girlfriend appeared to appear in the door way while my sister and I shouted " How 'd you get here , Jamie ? " ( We were supposed to send either Massey or Harvey to pick them up ) When Griffin didn 't walk in behind her but some dude we had never seen did , finally realized it wasn 't Jamie but another one of Chris ' friends dropping by with her boyfriend . The girl was very pretty and just happened to be from Laos . When you 're partying it up , playing an intense card game and the room is loud , Hawaii and Laos are ( so it seems ) easily confused . The girl looked at Cindy and me like we were idiots but soon enough we were all laughing again . The leftovers came out of the fridge and we started over . Jamie and Griffin DID arrive after Harvey went and picked them up and party number three started . More food was eaten and Chris shot off massive fireworks from the dock . It was an awesome Thanksgiving . The next day we all went out on the boat again . Casey got to drive this time and we stayed out for quite a while . When Chris asked Griffin if he wanted to drive the only thing Griffin asked when he took the wheel was " How do you make it go fast ? " We survived , came home and ate more leftovers . We had enough food to feed a small army . That night after watching football games we decided to play games . We started with Charades , boys against girls and all laughed ourselves silly . Then my sister and I wanted to play Kangaroo ; it 's a game my parents used to play at church socials . The only ones who knew how it worked were Chris , Cindy and me . Short version : everyone continues what they are doing , playing cards or watching TV . I say to my sister , " I 'm clearing the air and sending you a message . " Nobody much pays attention but the thing is who ever talks next is the unknown Kangaroo . After a couple more minutes go by I ask Cindy if she received my message ? If she is sure she knows who the first person to speak was after I cleared the air she says she has the message , if she 's not certain ( maybe two people spoke at once ) she says she hasn 't received it and I clear the air again . ( Let 's just say it was Griffin who spoke first when I cleared the air ) A couple more minutes go by and I ask her if she got my message ? Once she has the message , we send her out of the room . I begin pointing at different people in the room and say " Kangaroo " and from outside the room she repeats back " Kangaroo . " Finally I point to Griffin and say to her outside of the room " Kangaroo , who am I pointing to ? " and she says " Griffin . " I wish you could have seen their faces . . . they thought we were magicians ! A couple of them tried it , always failing then Cindy and I would do it again , this time with her clearing the air . By the third time we did it they were all guessing different ways they thought we were doing it . Finally Griffin 's girlfriend caught on and we had another few rounds including her . It 's a great party game . We were sailing along in Gainesville , Florida . Tim was driving . We were in the passing / fast lane when we heard a loud " BAM " and Tim yelled " Was that us ? " We were still rolling along but we saw a tire tread behind us . About then Massey said she smelled the burning rubber so we pulled off into the tiny emergency lane by the center median . Casey stopped behind us in their car . The entire tread had blown off . Cars were whizzing by going eighty and were literally about four feet from the car . It was the passenger side back tire . Cindy backed her car up about thirty feet or so and put her flashers on . The boys started getting the spare out and cars kept right on whizzing by , making my sister and me nervous wrecks . I made Massey get out of the car and stand far into the grassy median . Cindy and I walked well down past her car behind the car with the flat . She stopped there and I continued down about another twenty feet . As the cars approached I waved my hands frantically down in an effort to tell cars to slow down . Cindy was motioning for cars to move over a lane to give us more room to change the tire . For the most part people were fantastic and although we caused a small traffic backup with our antics at least it slowed most all the cars down . Of course there is one in every crowd . As Griffin was wrestling with the tire iron with his back no more than three feet away from passing cars , one idiot blew his horn as he passed going at least seventy . You can 't fix stupid . We finally got back into the lane and maneuvered all the way over to the slow lane . I was just happy no one had gotten hurt or killed . Then we had to find a tire place open on a Sunday afternoon , Thanksgiving weekend . So the trip down was horrible and the trip back was scary but the in between was marvelous ! I guess that 's what they mean about taking the good with the bad . We didn 't get Massey back to her dorm until almost ten and got home around eleven . We had been shooting for seven . So all in all it was a " Thanks Given " to remember . I give Thanks I didn 't get anyone killed while freaking out in the torrential thunderstorm on the way down and I give Thanks no one got killed changing the tire by a packed out holiday weekend interstate fast lane . I give Thanks I have such a wonderful brother who was an ultimate host to our crazy band of misfits . I give Thanks for days of fun and laughter with the ones I love . I give Thanks to the two who had to stay home for work and couldn 't go with us but took care of all our pups , eight in all . I just walked in the door from work . Dang , it 's a good feeling ! Paid forward some of the many acts of kindness I have been shown and c . . . |
Wednesday I was off for the holiday so I got up early , walked my various and sundry dogs ( I 'm up to ten at present - don 't judge me ) , then took Charles ' pup Nanuq with me over to Mama 's to pick blueberries . Remy was fine then . He chased cats with his best friend Buddy the Basset Hound , caught on quickly to picking blueberries ( which dogs love , FYI , and they 're so good and as good for dogs as they are for us ) , and he played with Nanuq . He 'd had a good breakfast that morning and was ready for the day . Wednesday evening Remy refused his supper . This was enough unlike the chow - hound that we 've grown to love that Mama called me and said that while she was worried , she would give him til the next morning . We hoped it was the heat . We hoped Thursday morning he 'd be back to his old self . Thursday evening Remy ate his supper for the Triad staff , but by Friday morning ( this morning ) he was refusing food again and this time it was obvious he didn 't feel well . Remy has been sick for seven months and this was really the first time since his diagnosis that he hasn 't felt well . They called and suggested that Mama might want to come and see him , and asked if she wanted to be present when he was euthanized . At first she said not , but then she reconsidered . She called me as she was getting ready to leave the house - Did I want to come too ? I had to take an early lunch today for another reason , but I made time to swing through Kernersville and visit Remy . He was very glad to see us . We walked him outside , and he wanted to get in Mama 's car and go home - he said he was sure he 'd feel better at home . We explained to him that we 'd love to take him home but he needed to wait on Dr . Marti . Sometimes it 's ok to tell sick dogs a little fib so they don 't worry . He said that was fine and that he was ready to go back inside . We sat in an exam room with him for awhile - he sat in my lap , licked both our faces , and then wanted to go back out into the lobby to visit with the staff . There were no patients waiting so we let him . He went back into the storage room and returned with a ball , which he brought to Mama . She tried to take it from him but he bore down , dug in , and held on . This is how Remy plays ball . Oh , sure , he likes to chase it sometimes , but he 'd far rather play tug of war with it . I couldn 't stay very long - just half an hour or forty five minutes - but Mama stayed on after I headed back to work . I hadn 't been back at the office long when she called me . He was vomiting and Dr . Marti and Dr . McGinnis felt it would be best to go ahead and euthanize him . Mama said she 'd already left the clinic but when they called she turned around and went back . She was with him at the end . I wish I could hav ebeen , but I 'm glad Mama was , and I know that the staff at Triad loved Remy just as much as we did ; he was , after all , their dog . And Remy loved them too , as much as he loved us . Later on in the afternoon I got a second phone call . This one was from Susan with The Mosby Foundation , to which I 'd applied for a grant to help with Baby 's surgery expenses . They 're inclined to help us ; she needed our vet info , which I confirmed with Mona before sending . They are donating $ 200 . This put us within $ 100 of being able to have one leg done . This was the best possible news I could imagine today . I 'm so relieved . In fact , if not for losing Remy , I would probably be plain giddy . Maybe I am a little giddy . I want to laugh and I want to cry . I 've done both and will probably wind up doing more of both before this day ends . I had to give Baby a pain pill yesterday morning , and another last night . This morning she wasn 't limping as much so I didn 't give her one . Onyx is too rough with her so I 've stopped taking her out back even though she likes walking back there now that Onyx and Nanuq are the only puppies . ( Puppies - ha ! Onyx is a pit mix and around a year old , no older , and is taller than Baby ; Nanuq is only four & a half months old and is already as tall as Baby and still growing ! ) This thing with Baby scares me , because she 's only five years old , and she 's in very good health even if she is somewhat overweight ; she 's playful ; she 's affectionate ; and she 's a mighty chicken stalker … but she 's also got two extremely fragile knees . I had to fuss at her and at Bridget a couple of weeks ago because Bridget was out front walking Baby and Baby wanted to run so Bridget decided to run with her . They were running and jumping and carrying on like a dog OUGHT to be able to do with a kid , and I had to fuss at them for acting normal , because Baby 's NOT normal . One break is all it would take . One bad landing , one trip , one stumble , just one break . Snap , and Baby 's life would be over . Dr . Cowan said she can repair what we 're looking at right now , but that if further damage is done she doubts it will be fixable . And when a dog does irreparable damage to one leg and has a bad joint on the other , there 's often little choice left besides PTS . And I just don 't want to think of Baby being PTS . I told Baby and Bridget that when I scolded them , and Bridget 's brown eyes got big and moist and she had this little bit of a quivewr to her chin when she said , " I 'd NEVER hurt Baby on purpose . I won 't let her run again . I forgot that she 's not like the other dogs is all . " And Baby sat there staring at me with her big moist brown eyes and she said , " But I 'm a DOG . I 'm SUPPOSED to run and jump with this kid , because that 's what dogs do ! " When I got home this evening I got a second phone call . That $ 100 difference between what we 've got , what 's been pledged and what we need - you remember that difference , right ? Well , this second phone call was from another wonderful charity group called RedRover and they 're donating the $ 100 . Do you know what that means ? That means that we now have the money to have the operation on leg # 1 . While that 's excellent news , we mustn 't lose sight of the fact that we 're only half - way there . We can have one leg done - but now we have another $ 750 - $ 1 , 000 to raise for Baby 's OTHER leg . We 'll get there the same way we got here - $ 5 or $ 25 or $ 100 at a time . It 's all about small steps - they do tend to add up . So this has been a day of true ups and downs . Remy 's gone . He got to be a dog and was a damn fine dog when he was doing it . He 's crossed the Rainbow Bridge and no doubt he 's looking for celestial cats to chase . He enjoyed chasing cats . He never wanted to catch them - when he 'd get one cornered he 'd paw and bark at it until it would run again . When he 'd come across one sunning he 'd tease it until it would run . Remy was all about the chase - he didn 't care about winning , only about running . And now we 're half - way along on Baby 's long road to a semi - normal life . She 'll never get to be as much of a dog as Remy was … but she 'll get to be more of a dog than she is right now . Once this leg is done we 'll have six to eight weeks of recovery time , and then , if we have the funds , we 'll be able to do the other leg . July 6 , 2012July 8 , 2012 heathermcamp A Few Funny Dog Photos Today I received an email from a friend - the subject line is " here are your funnies for the day . " I 'm amused enough to want to share them with everyone . 🙂 Enjoy , and hope you 're as amused as I am . 2 Comments April 24 , 2012April 24 , 2012 heathermcamp A little about the cats … I have three cats . These cats are in many ways like my children : There are two girls & a boy ; they have very different personalities ; they expect very different things out of life ; they all come running to me when something is wrong but want nothing to do with me otherwise . I 'd only had cats once before , a few years before we moved to our current home . I had three cats - Baby , Ysabel and Rocky ( Roquelle ) - who showed up as stray kittens years & years ago . I knew nothing about cats - I fed and watered them , and they stuck around , and Baby & Ysabel had kittens on my front porch . Rocky had her kittens in the woods , and had them so well hidden I wouldn 't have found them if not for a monsoon . I 'd moved Baby 's & Ysabel 's kittens into the house right after they were born ; Rocky 's kittens I searched for all through the woods with no luck at all . Then one morning - the second straight day of torrential rain - I stepped out of the house and almost stepped on a kitten . It was soaking wet and shivering and I couldn 't figure out for the life of me how it had gotten there . I carried it inside & put it with Ysabel 's kittens ( Ysabel was a real community mom - she nursed everyone 's kittens ) and went back outside & there were two more kittens , and Rocky standing over them waiting for me . She was desperate , meowing pitifully and running to the edge of the porch and back to me . I laid the two kittens right inside the front door and followed Rocky out into the woods , to a hole under a fallen tree that was rapidly filling with water . I knelt down and heard the kittens crying but still hesitated to put my hand into the hole - from the time I was a very little girl I was told never , never , never to put my hand into random holes in the woods . Good advice , that , but Rocky cared not a whit for my wisdom - " Get my kittens out of that hole now ! " she wailed and so I did . Not a kitten drowned because when the odds were against her Rocky came to me for help and yes , I know it sounds like a Lassie movie , but that cat WANTED me to find her kittens that day and led me right to them , stopping when I lagged behind and wailing at me to hurry , hurry , hurry ! We found homes for all of the kittens , giving out my phone number with each one , having learned of that good idea from Rosie 's original people , though at that time I still didn 't have the sense to have the cats spayed . That winter when we made our Christmas trip to Texas I took Baby , Ysabel and Rocky to my mom 's , where she spoiled them horribly , and when we got home from Texas all three cats informed me that while they were fond of me they preferred Mama 's house , and were going to stay with her , thank you very much for all you 've done for us , good - bye , don 't let the door hit you on the way out . Mama didn 't realize I hadn 't had them spayed , neither of us thought to mention the subject to the other , and Mama found out the hard way they weren 't - after the kittens were weaned she had the mama cats spayed and put a stop to the kitten problem . That was the beginning of my mother 's slide to Crazy Cat Lady status . Mama had always been a dog person , had never really had much experience with cats , and fell so in love with Puddy ( who was from Ysabel 's first litter ) , and then the mama cats , that she decided her purpose in life was to save all the unwanted cats in the world - or at least in Stokes County . Today she attributes that slide into insanity to menopause . Whatever the reason - at one point she had over fifty rescued , spayed , and neutered cats on her three acre fenced farm - and installed cat doors on her house so they could come and go as they please . Today she 's down to thirty , give or take , and is making plans to trap a stray that 's shown up to be vetted , since she really is a responsible cat owner , in spite of the fact they 're eating up my whole inheritance . They 're happy cats , though - there are a few that stay strictly inside , a few that stay strictly outside , and the bulk of them prefer being outside but will pop in from time to time to say hello . Ysabel was hit by a car a few years back , and we 're pretty sure a coyote got Baby , but Puddy is a real home - body and lives in the house and the old wash - house . In addition to the wash - house , there 's a packhouse , a garage , a storage shed , a wood shed , a corn crib , and a barn - in other words , cat paradise . As for me - when we moved to our current home seven years ago , I really missed having a cat . Charles thinks dogs are ok , but he does NOT like cats at ALL . It took me two years to convince him getting a cat would be a good idea - we live in a thirteen or fourteen year old double - wide on a large grassy lot surrounded on three sides by woods & with a shallow scrubby ravine at the front . In other words , we do get mice . I hate mousetraps . We use them but I hate them . I would far rather have a cat to control the mice . In the end I won and it so happened a friend of mine had a litter of kittens right at that same time . She brought me a small black 8 week old kitten with a very little white mark on her chest . Damon called her Puttin - a combination of Puddy and Kitten - and that stuck for awhile but at some point it morphed into Tudna , and she is Tudna to this day . Tudna was supposed to be my cat - I was the one who wanted a cat , after all . At first she liked all of us , but as she got older she began to gravitate to Bridget . By the time Tudna was a year old she was Bridget 's cat and made no secret of the fact she wished she could murder the rest of us in our sleep . She would eat my soul if she got the opportunity , and I know it , and she knows it , and she knows I know it . We live in an uneasy truce but I figure at some point the cat will snap and slash all of our throats - except for Bridget 's , of course . When Bridget goes to spend the night with a friend , Tudna will search the house for her . If Bridget is gone for more than one night , Tudna will stalk the house calling for her . When Bridget goes away to college she 's going to have to have a job so she can get an apartment so Tudna can go with her , because I 'm really not sure the cat could survive a long separation . Besides which , Tudna hates dogs , and hates the other cats , and just wouldn 't be happy if the only creature in the universe she cares about were to leave her . About four years ago , not long after Peaches came to live with us , we were visiting some friends who have a feral cat problem . Their real problem is a we - live - on - a - dirt - road - outside - of - town - and - idiots - dump - their - unwanted - pet - cats - here . One of the cats got under their porch and had kittens . Their daughters , who are close to the same age as my daughters , made a habit of handling the kittens so they were tame . Vannesa wanted a long - haired black & white kitten . Charles said absolutely not . I said your father said no . Vannesa put the tiny scrap of fluff in her jacket pocket and smuggled it home . That cat 's name is Cookie , and Vannesa has long since lost interest in the poor little thing . She 's a pretty attention - starved little thing , and when she makes an appearance Charles , Damon and I make it a habit to pet her and make over her , because we feel really sorry for her . Mind you , she lives in the house , but she hates dogs and so she stays out of sight the majority of the time . Cookie has been to the vet once , when she was 6 months old to be spayed . She hasn 't been since . I tried , last summer , to take her to a rabies clinic . Cookie ripped me open from knee to ankle on both legs , clawed my stomach and arms , and told me that Tudna wasn 't the only soul - eater in the house , and if I didn 't let her go she 'd have mine . I persevered , and almost had the entire hurricane stuffed into the cat carrier when , out of nowhere , Tudna gave a savage yowl and hit me from behind - in the behind . Sitting was painful for more than a week thereafter . I yelped , Cookie escaped , and I whirled around to stare at Tudna . She crouched on the back of the sofa and informed me in no uncertain terms that though she hated Cookie she hated me more , and would side with Cookie against me whenever she had the chance . A year & a half ago - the last day of June 2010 - I remember it was a Friday - I had just started my new job at Universal Insurance Company in Winston , and was walking from the parking lot one morning when I heard the most piteous meowing coming from the blackberry - covered hill behind the office building . I left the sidewalk and crossed the lawn to the foot of the hill and spotted a tiny grey and white kitten up at the top of the hill . I decided I 'd try to catch it at morning break . When 10 : 15 rolled around I hit the door and spent my entire break coaxing the little scrap down the hill . It came half - way down and no further , but cried and cried at me . So when lunch time came , I hopped in my car , went down the road to McDonald 's , bought a six - pack of Chicken McNuggets , and lured him to me with those . When he got close enough I grabbed him , fully expecting him to rip me to shreds - he didn 't . He shuddered once and burrowed against my collarbone , and started to purr and purr and purr . I snuck him back to my cubicle and kept him with me until around four o ' clock when my supervisor walked by , saw me with him , and made me put him outside . I was a nervous wreck the rest of the afternoon - to my intense pleasure the little fellow was still there when I left for the day . The nice lady in the mailroom had given me a box , and my kitten rode home with me . I named him Jackie Chan . We call him JC and Fatty Chan . Tudna hates Jackie Chan as much as she hates the rest of us . JC takes advantage of that fact and misses no opportunity to bully her . He and Cookie get along fairly well - they stalk one another around the house and fuss and spat and play like cats do . The one thing that separates my big guy from the rest of the cats is that he loves the dogs . From the day I brought him home he wasn 't afraid of them . He 'd sprawl on the footstool and play with Rosie 's beautiful plumed tail . He 'd stalk Max through the house and touch noses with him when Max would turn around . Max and Rosie weren 't cat people either - but they warmed up to JC after awhile , and it 's not uncommon now to find Max dragging JC by the head across the house . He 's by far the best of the cats , and I still don 't know what quality it was that caused me to fall in love with him as soon as I found him - but he has it , and I did , and he 's won everyone over . Thanks to Jackie Chan I can tell people who come to adopt my foster puppies that they 're good with cats . He 's one of a kind . I have been told there is a special place in heaven for people like me . I hope so , because God knows I do my best , as pitiful as my best is sometimes . And I 'll be in good company , because I 've learned I 'm not alone in this world . There is a whole underground movement of people just like me - I privately refer to us as " the suckers club , " but society calls us foster parents . No , I don 't do children - I want to get that straight right up front . It 's not that I don 't like children , but I barely have the patience for my own semi - normal offspring . I wouldn 't begin to know what to do with damaged human young . As it so happens , I 'm somewhat damaged myself , but rather than giving me compassion for other bipeds , it 's made me impatient , short - tempered , and all around mistrustful of people in general and children in particular . So no , I don 't , can 't , and won 't do children . I 'm a dog person . I 've been a dog person for as long as I can remember . I 'm not going to go into all the dogs I 've known & loved - not here , not today , maybe not ever . There 's a lot of pain involved in going back and that 's not the story I 'm telling today . Suffice it to say there were always dogs , from the time I was born forward , and even when I didn 't have a human friend to speak of , I had dogs . I said I 'm not going down that road today , but there is one stop I need to make before I do get where I 'm going , and it 's a painful one , but it 's necessary . Let 's briefly touch down in the late summer of 1991 . My mother had met a man that summer , and that man was a surveyor who worked for a multi - national construction company and travelled a great deal with his job . My mother had been looking for love and when she found this man she was willing to do what she had to do to stay with him - including and not limited to uprooting her teenage daughters and family pets and moving us all to a back - woods community the likes of which I 'd never experienced in my life . He became my stepfather , and my children 's grandfather , and while he had his faults - some of them extreme - he was all in all a good man at heart , and like the rest of us , he did his limited best . Along for the ride on this first move were his brother , his brother 's emotionally unstable wife , and his brother 's equally unstable dogs . The dog that could have changed my story for the worse - but didn 't - was an Akita . I don 't know how much you know about Akitas , but they are a breed that needs special handling , and my step - uncle and his lunatic wife were NOT the sorts of people who needed this sort of dog . They also had a sheltie , which is fine . Shelties are not Akitas . I don 't blame the dog for what happened . I blame a stupid fourteen year old girl ( that would be me ) , and a dysfunctional married couple ( step - uncle & deranged wife ) , and a move that was traumatic on all involved - including the dogs . I had three lab mixes & a small terrier mix in those days , and the first thing the Akita did , after a long , trying , two - day car trip , was to attack my labs . The men broke up the fight , no one was hurt , and the Akita was tied out back . I know now he should have been put in one of the quiet upstairs bedrooms & left alone to calm down . None of us had the sense to know that then . He weathered a thunderstorm while tied to the clothesline , and after the storm I , being the fool I was ( and still am sometimes ) , went out back to check on him , alone , with no idea that my headlong rush out the back door could be construed as a threat . He bit me - he got my lower lip and ripped it nearly off , then lunged again , and would have gotten my throat had I not had the instinctive response of throwing up my arm after the first bite . I was taken by car directly to the local hicksville hospital , which sent me across the street to a family practice , which sent me - again by car - to a large city hospital two hours distant . I got shots , emergency reconstructive surgery , and stitches - lots and lots and lots of stitches - and spent the next several weeks eating soup . Lots and lots and lots of soup . To this day I have trouble with soup . About three weeks after the attack , I headed out to explore our new woods , and mountains , and creeks . My labs were delighted to see me and insisted on accompanying me - they had missed me while I was shut up in the house . These dogs were around five years old at this point , and we 'd had them since they were puppies . They jumped and frolicked and I was terrified of them , to the point I finally climbed up on a large rock and wept inconsolably . They sat down around the rock , understanding something was wrong , unable to comprehend what . I looked down at them , their smiling faces , lolling tongues , wagging tails , and loving , compassionate eyes - and I swore angrily at myself for being a fool . These were MY dogs , and they would NEVER hurt me . Children would hurt me , other dogs might hurt me , but not these . Never these . I got down from the rock and sat on the ground , and my dogs swarmed all over me , licking my face , my neck , my hands , my bare legs & feet - they loved me , they loved me ! I cried some more and hugged them all and buried my face in their fur . Later I picked lots of black and yellow hairs out of my stitches , and THAT hurt like anything - but it was okay , I didn 't mind that it hurt . And so my life did change forever , but not like it could have . Someday when I get to heaven I hope that Sandy , Mandy , Scruffy and Pepper are the first dogs I see . I plan to let them swarm over my lap and lick me all over , and I 'll probably cry all over them again - but it will be fine , they 'll understand . They saved me that day down by the creek , and they didn 't know it then , but they 'll know it when I see them in heaven . I want to talk about other dogs today . I 'll start with Rosie , who was a Pyrie mix , one of those " free to good home " puppies you see at ball games and K - Mart . It was my birthday , my 26th birthday , and I wanted a dog - I felt incomplete without one , something my husband , who is not a dog person , will never understand . Rosie was at a soccer game , and so was her mama , who was an AKC registered Pyrie with championship bloodlines - mama 's dog show days ended with this litter , and she was spayed . That 's kind of too bad in a way , but Rosie 's daddy , to whom I 've always referred as " Sneaky Male Dog , " climbed an eight foot fence to impregnate mama dog , and so I think mama dog 's family made the right decision . Rosie came with an " about me " paper , a list of suggestions for puppy care , and the owners ' phone number , in case I decided I didn 't want her after all . They had nothing to worry about with Rosie . She was my darling girl , in spite of all of her stubborn , headstrong ways . She cost me a great deal of money - vet bills are not cheap , and neither are door frames and windows - but she was worth every penny I ever spent on her . In June 2011 , just two months shy of her ninth birthday , Rosie had some sort of medical incident - maybe a stroke , maybe organ failure , we don 't know . She fell down when my mom came to let her out to potty , and when she was finally able to get up , she went to my youngest daughter 's bedroom and stayed there . Mama didn 't think anything of it - Rosie was getting old , and Mama thought she 'd just been in such a hurry to get outside that she fell & wore herself out . After supper that night , when Rosie still hadn 't joined us in the family room , Mama remembered and told me that she 'd fallen . I knew , then . I went down the hall and sat down on the floor beside her . She wagged her tail and licked my hand but made no move to rise . " Don 't do this here , " I told her . " I know as well as you do that this is it - but not in Bridget 's room . Come to the living room and I 'll stay with you , and you can go whenever you 're ready - just not in Bridget 's room . Please . " After awhile I left her and went to the living room to brood . Mama had gone home ; Vannesa was at the beach ; Charles & Damon were in Texas . It was just me , Bridget , and the dogs . Along about bedtime , when Bridget had gone to brush her teeth , I heard a terrible commotion from down the hall , several crashes and bangs - before I could even stand up Rosie had rushed , staggering , into the living room . She fell down at my feet & never got up on her own again . I made Max & Peaches , my other dogs , spend that night outside . Bridget & I made pallets in the living room floor and spent the night with Rosie . None of us got much sleep . Rosie wasn 't in any pain , but she was scared . I could tell . I stroked her old faded cheeks and fondled her downy - soft ears and spoke to her softly , and she thumped her tail against the floor . Every so often she 'd try to stand up and get scared all over again ; I 'd stroke her and talk to her until she calmed down . Bridget & I took turns showering the next morning , so Rosie wasn 't ever alone . At seven o ' clock I called Mama , and she came on over to help me get Rosie to the vet . I wasn 't worried about the trip stressing her - Rosie loved going places , and she adored our vet . When Mama got to the house , I set about picking up mine & Bridget 's bedding . That 's when I found the mouse . Jackie Chan , my cat , had killed a mouse the night before . I saw him playing with it long before he killed it . He usually eats the head & top half of the body . We usually find the bottom half in someone 's shoe or under a chair . He had chewed the mouse in half , like he always does - but he 'd brought the top half , his favorite half , and " given " it to Rosie that previous night , laid it right at her head where she could get it if she wanted it . I almost lost it then . Almost , but not quite . I actually did really well . I carried Rosie to the car , and she was thrilled to be going for a ride . I rolled the window down so she could put her head out , and held her so she wouldn 't fall . When we got to the vet I carried her in - she said " hello " to all of her friends there . I didn 't cry until after she was gone . Then I buried my face in her neck and bawled like a baby . I told her she was and would always be my friend . Corny , maybe , but I meant it with all my heart . We all fell into a funk after that , and couldn 't come out of it . Even Max & Peaches were sad . Don 't tell me dogs don 't grieve , because they do . Jackie Chan gave me more dead mice . Cats grieve too , just in a different way . I said I 'd get another dog someday - but not yet . I said I 'd rescue one from the shelter - when I was ready , but not yet . In July 2011 a person I only knew through Facebook sent me a message and asked if I knew anyone who could help . This lovely young lady has very young children , and was uncomfortable bringing an adult dog into her home - but there was a young black bitch with a litter of newborn puppies at the shelter , and the shelter staff had called her for help , because if no one saved this dog & these puppies they 'd be euthanized . Ours is a poor rural county and our shelter has neither the space nor the funding to raise a litter of puppies to adoption age . Now , I 'd been seeing Rosie around our place - and I 'd felt her there too . I 'd see her in the evenings waiting for me at the mailbox when I came home from work . I 'd speed up a little but she was always gone by the time I got there . She 'd be waiting for me on the other side of the front door when I was unlocking it - but I 'd tear the door down to get it open and she 'd already have gone . She 'd come stand beside me sometimes when I was cooking supper - but she slipped away between seconds . I was always too late . So call me crazy - the ghost of my dead dog was hanging around and taking care of me , like she 'd always done in life . It 's February 2012 now and she 's STILL sitting at the mailbox some evenings when I drive down the road . You don 't have to believe it - this story doesn 't depend on whether or not you believe it . All that matters is that I know when she 's around . She and Phil waited for me . Don 't tell me that animal control is staffed by a heartless bunch . I know better . I was five minutes late - my mom was there right at five , but I was late - and they waited on me . Sara was so relieved she cried . Don 't tell me they don 't care . Maggie and her puppies lived in the house for the first four weeks , and then moved outside , where they absolutely flourished . I had to have one of the pups euthanized because of severe birth defects - he was messed up inside , but it wasn 't obvious until he was four weeks old . His name was Baggypants . I cried over that puppy just like I cried over Rosie . I buried him beside her . Of the remaining seven pups - five have been adopted , two seven month old males are left , and Maggie is mine . Rosie would approve . Rosie would say that Maggie is pack , and she 'd be right . In November 2011 , when I still had five of Maggie 's pups , that same Facebook friend contacted me about another dog with puppies - this one had nine four - week - old puppies , and her owners had surrendered her , just gave her up , along with the pups . I went to the shelter first thing the next morning to see them . I 'd been lucky with Maggie - would I be lucky again ? Her name was Baby , and she 'd been someone 's pampered princess . She was beautiful , if quite a bit overweight , and her puppies looked like a tribe of Ewoks . I told Sara not to do anything with them - I wanted to go home first and set up Rosie 's trusty old crate that had housed Maggie and her pups and now would house Baby and hers . Over the course of the next few weeks I learned a few things : Baby 's rear knees slide in & out of socket , and she 's going to have to have surgery soon . That 's the reason she wasn 't taking good care of her puppies . They hadn 't been neglected - they were as fat as she was - but once I figured out that they were hurting her I bought formula and taught them to lap it out of a dish . I also started making puppy soup for them using formula or goat 's milk , chicken broth , and soaking dry kibble until it was soft & mushy . I knew it was early but I started only making Baby nurse them three times a day - the rest of the time they got formula or puppy soup . Once they were seven weeks old we moved them to another foster home , and shortly thereafter Stokes County Humane Society arranged for them to be transported to North Shore Animal League - a long trip , from Danbury , NC to Port Washington , NY , but we knew NSAL would take care of them & make sure they went to good homes . As for Baby - she 's spoiled rotten , self - centered , dog aggressive , and tends to pout if she 's NOT the center of attention . But she 's also a wonderful , people - oriented , loving dog who deserves to live a pain - free life as an only dog with someone who will care for her . Baby has broken my heart in ways Maggie didn 't - Maggie was a stray , a street dog , used to fending for herself . Baby was someone 's pampered princess , a loved family member , and for whatever reason she was abandoned . Maggie took awhile to trust us . Baby trusted us right off . Maggie 's been hurt by people . Baby has never been hurt by anyone - not physically , anyway . Sometimes I think she 's thinking about her family - she gets sad , and quiet , and will go lay down in her crate with her back to the door . I had intended to write this blog about Baby , but this is bigger than Baby . It 's bigger than Maggie . I thought it started with Rosie - but when I started writing I realized that it 's older than Rosie , too . In some ways it starts with Dakota , the Akita who bit me - in others it goes back and touches every single one of those dogs I 've known and loved . In some ways it 's about all the friends I didn 't have , and the dogs who took their place . And then again , in some ways it really does start with Rosie - because if not for losing Rosie when I did , I 'd never have met Maggie , and if not for Maggie I 'd never have taken the plunge for Baby . This is about us . It 's about the suckers in the world who understand with our heads that we can 't save them all - but who know in our hearts we 're not going to stop trying . It 's about what we do and why we do it . And it 's about all the dogs we 've known and loved , and the dogs who have hurt us and changed us in ways we never would have imagined . |
I think the bee boxes are a pretty interesting way to transport the girls . The box contains some food and a special little container for the queen . Do you see how they crowd around her ? I haven 't been too concerned about bees in our yard stinging us or the neighbors . Honey bees tend to be pretty docile and don 't normally sting unless provoked . Some of them were even loose in the car and in our house yesterday as Hubby was transporting them and didn 't bother us at all . Unfortunately , the baby next door was stung by a bee this morning . Though we don 't have the only bees in the neighborhood , the neighbors across the street have them in their walls , it might have been one of ours . I think the ones that didn 't make it into the hive last night were probably pretty upset . Hopefully we won 't have any more incidents . I really like having our own honey . It actually started last night when I wouldn 't let Ms . D bring a neighbor cat in for the night . Too many of us have allergies to cats to have one of our own . It was raining , and Ms . D thought it was so cruel to leave it outside . She has been giving it a lot of attention lately , giving it snacks and sneaking it into her room . But it 's our neighbor 's cat , not ours . The cat is well fed , friendly , and though it spends a lot of time outside , it is well cared for . If the cat went home , I 'm sure it would be brought inside . But in her mind they aren 't doing a good enough job and the cat likes her , so she should be able to have it . And I am sure paying for it today . Ms . D has been disrespectful , moody , and has refused to do her schoolwork . I am fighting a cold , so I didn 't handle her behaviors very well this morning . The combination of Ms . D 's behaviors and my grumpiness rubbed off on Mr . I . The worst part for me was when they played the God card and said they don 't believe in God or the Bible . Mr . I quickly retracted the statement , but Ms . D knew that her unbelief would cut me deeper than just about anything else . She knows what hurts and is not afraid to use it to get what she wants , which is a cat or dog . I read a blog today from another adoptive mom of kids with FASD . She wrote about the toddler rules of possession that people with FASD struggle with here and here . I think part of the problem is that both kids struggle with impulse control and ownership issues ( others would call it stealing ) , probably caused by FASD . My kids have grown considerably in this area , but it still pops up from time to time , usually within the family . Ms . D wants the cat , so she feels like she should have it . It doesn 't matter that we can 't have a cat because of allergies or that the cat has an owner that is taking reasonable care of it . She wants it , so she should have it , and I 'm being terribly mean to not let her have it or bring it inside . As I 'm writing this , I am realizing that there also might be something deeper . I don 't know if she can verbalize it , but I 'm wondering if there might be some adoption issues going on here too . Just like we got the kids after they were neglected , maybe she feels she should be able to take in a cat that she feels is neglected . She might also be wondering why would I make her stop taking care of the cat at our house because it has another family . Is she thinking I might do the same with her , now that she found her birth family ? Or is she resentful that she can 't go back to her first family where she feels she belongs ? So I need a lot of wisdom here . I talked to the kids about showing respect , even if they don 't agree with someone in authority , but I wonder how I can talk to Ms . D about some of these other things , like faith , responsibility , and adoption . It 's hard enough with teenagers , but it 's even harder with a girl with FASD , MR , and a bit of RAD . I checked on the peas today before it started to rain again , and they are almost four inches high . They are doing well , considering how I 've neglected my garden this winter . The birds got to them a little , but not as much as in past years . Because Black Belt Daughter is on spring break , I was able to go to a prayer meeting yesterday morning for our house church . I was wondering if I would have much to give , since I have felt pretty dry spiritually the past few months . But as we prayed for some women about to travel to lead a retreat , I found I was able to listen and pray pretty well . It felt good to be moving in the right direction , since I 've felt pretty stuck in so many ways lately . Later yesterday I took the kids to the dentist . Though Mr . I was a bit dysregulated in the morning , he was awesome during the cleaning and exam . He even swished the fluoride in his mouth ! That 's a big deal . A really big deal ! This is the same kid who jumped off the chair in the middle of a filling a couple of years ago . We had to come back with Hubby later to finish the process . Mr . I has a great fear of dentists , so to sit still and follow directions are signs of growth . Then in the evening , Hubby and I had left for a meeting and the kids did well with Microbio Daughter in charge . That we were able to leave the kids after a dentist visit , and have good behavior , is a sign of great growth . We got some food to deliver at the meeting , and after that popped in at Birthmom 's house unannounced . It was the end of the month , so she was so happy to get the food . Once again , all my fears of feeling angry at her vanished as soon as I saw her . I am growing in my ability to love Birthmom and to forgive her . One of her cousins came in and so Birthmom gave her some food and told the cousin that God is so good to provide for them . We prayed for her and then she prayed for us . Birthmom even seems to be growing too ! Today I took the kids to see the Hunger Games . I never know how they will respond to a film . But this time they did well and were pretty regulated afterwards . Sometimes even children 's movies would be too stimulating for them and they would act out . But today they were calm and happy . Wow ! More growth ! This evening Hubby and I delivered more food and were gone for a couple of hours . When we came back , Mr . I was trying to make a crepe with Nutella for a snack . He made the crepe himself and flipped it over without help ! Usually he doesn 't do it right and then gets frustrated . But not tonight ! That he calmly made something that is really pretty difficult , and did it with a good attitude on a night I wasn 't here , shows awesome growth ! Growth doesn 't always happen in a steady manner . Sometimes there are plateaus or even a little going backwards . I 've surely done that before ! But after such a long season of difficulties , it is good to see the growth in me and in others . I am so thankful that we don 't have to always have the same problems and that we can grow . It gives me hope for the future , both in my own life , in the life of my kids , and in others . It must have been by the grace of God that it was calm , because there were plenty of potential triggers . Ms . D had a friend overnight , so she didn 't have quite enough sleep . Mr . I was also a bit sleep deprived and started to get a little dysregulated a few times during the day . But those times were very short lived . Just before bed Mr . I needed to have some laundry done . He told me he could do it , but when I came in to check on him , there were a couple things that needed correction or teaching . I asked him if he put the dried clothes in the basket and he said yes . Then I noticed that he only put a few clothes into the washer . I asked him what we could do to be good to the earth . He told me that we could put more clothes in the washer . I could see that he was a bit put off that I would correct him , and he got a bit more upset when I started to take clothes out of the hamper and put them in the water . Why ? Because that 's where he put the clean clothes . I calmly told him that that 's where dirty clothes go , not clean clothes . The clean laundry goes in the laundry basket after they are dried . Normally this situation , which wouldn 't be a problem with a neuro - typical kid , would send Mr . I into a tailspin . But this time he controlled himself and went to the bathroom for a few minutes to cool off . He then was able to come to me for his bedtime prayer and snuggle a little bit . I 've been a bit worried for Ms . D the past few days . A girl in our local high school has been missing for a bit over a week . I 've tried to talk to Ms . D about keeping safe and how we need to protect her . Unfortunately , she hasn 't wanted to talk about it . But she did smile when I told her that Hubby checked up on her while she was out with a friend so that she could be safe . It 's hard to communicate how pleasantly surprised I am that the kids have done so well today and how peaceful I feel . It isn 't a typical day , though it is how I 'd like it to be more often . The peacefulness in our home today has truly been a gift . Today I felt like a part of Busytown by Richard Scarry . It was one of my oldest son 's favorite books when he was a little guy , probably because it was filled with animals doing everyday jobs and activities . He enjoyed seeing many things going on at once and it was all portrayed in a humorous way . It truly was a busy town , and like it , I had a really busy day ! It actually started the night before when I realized that time flew much too quickly while we were reading and waiting for the boys to all settle down . I didn 't get to bed until after midnight . Normally , because I am a morning person , I don 't need an alarm clock . But if I do , I just use my phone . I needed to leave the house at 7 : 30 am to get to a homeschool meeting , but I forgot my phone in another room until after I was all warm and snug in bed . So instead of getting up to set the alarm , I thought I 'd just wake up on my own . You can imagine what happened then . Yes , I kept waking up to check the time every hour or so . So I didn 't start the day very rested . I made it to the homeschool leaders meeting in good time . I 'm glad I went , because it helped me to see that I co - lead and awesome group . The name of our group has grace in it , and it describes our group so well . Most of us have kids with special needs , and would be discouraging to go to a group where type A moms teach their kids Latin in kindergarten . We give each other grace , room to be real , and lots of prayer and support for each other . It 's really been a lifeline to me , and I think others have appreciated it as well . From there I went to the grocery store to pick up things for two potlucks . Then it was over the Santa Cruz Mountains to go to a friends birthday and housewarming . I am so happy for her . It is a beautiful home in a woodsy , country feeling area that is just a short walking distance to a small town . I enjoyed the get together today , though I was at first a bit leery of all the therapist friends that were there . I wonder if I 'm the only one who gets a little intimidated by a roomful of therapists . Are they analyzing me ? I probably would ! Fortunately , her friends are transparent and full of grace . I really had a good time . Then it was time to travel a few miles down the coast to our Celebration Gathering for church . Once a month the house churches in our network get together and have a time of food , worship , testimonies , teaching , and more . Hubby came with the kids and a friend in the van and met me there . I hadn 't seen the kids since the night before , so Mr . I was really happy to see me . They were all in one piece and survived a day without mom . Good job , Hubby ! Oh , and guess what our pastor taught about ? Grace ! Well , more specifically , how Jesus came to bring grace and truth , and how we need to share about God like that . Yesterday we had Grandson over in the evening . He was totally cute and peaceful , despite the fussiness before his mom and dad left him with us for a couple of hours . Yes , even a toddler can be a good actor . When mom was around he only wanted her , but when she left he was happy with the rest of us . I 'm so glad that he is attached to her though , since I know what it 's like when a child is unattached and has RAD . He 's learning some pretty good lessons now that will help him to live a happier live . I no longer underestimate the importance of the early years in learning how to love others and accepting other 's love . Today I took Ms . D back to the doctor . She was complaining of the same symptoms , had abdominal pain , and was very sleepy . The doctor felt like she was coming down with a flu that is going around , so the visit was a waste of time and money . But at least I didn 't have to hear many more complaints after that . Ms . D can really obsess with the tiniest symptom , like an enlarged lymph node , and doesn 't really believe me when I tell her it 's something we can handle at home . I guess her birth mom is the same way . It 's interesting how certain behaviors seem almost genetic . We also went grocery shopping in the next town and met Microbio Daughter for lunch . On the way back , we passed by the place where a teenage girl disappeared last week . She went to the high school that the neighbor kids attend , and the girls picture was pasted all over the neighborhood . When we walked the dogs I thought I could talk to Ms . D about her feelings about all of this , but she wasn 't in the mood for talking . I don 't know if it 's because she wasn 't feeling well , or if it 's too hard for her to talk about it . I 'll try again when she feels better . I know it must be on her mind , yet it 's hard to know to what extent . And I can also use this as a way to teach the kids how to be safer , since both have made some pretty unsafe decisions lately . This afternoon , I went to a woman 's home in our house church for a prayer time . It was so good to get together with other women and receive support and prayers . At first I didn 't think much had happened this week , but then I realized that the eighteen year old relative coming for a surprise visit , illness , and getting the report for Ms . D 's cognitive assessment had all happened since we last met Saturday ! Things that happened a week ago seem like a month , and a month seems like two . If I don 't have things on my calendar , I lose track of time . I 'm so glad to have my phone calendar with me most of the time . I think I 'd miss a lot of appointments and important dates if I didn 't have it . When I came home from prayer , Microbio Daughter finished cooking supper and I was able to sit to a nice hot meal . I found out Hubby told Mr . I he could have some friends sleep here . They had plans spend the night outside and were pretty upset when I told them no , it was too cold and rain was coming . So now there are four boys staying up too late in one small room . I 'm going to a meeting early in the morning so hopefully they will do Ok while I 'm gone . I 'm letting Hubby take care of things . I did have a relaxing evening . Hubby is reading and I 've been reading and goofing off on the computer . It 's nice to have some down time after such a busy day and week . Tomorrow is full with a meeting , a party , and church . Well , that 's if nothing else comes up . I plan , but I have to be flexible . You never know what may happen next ! Today we went back to the doctor because Ms . D had some symptoms that I wasn 't sure could be treated at home . It turned out to be something else that was probably caused by the antibiotics from her strep throat . I won 't say any more because I tend to get all geeky when it comes to medical stuff . Three years of nursing school and having relatives in the medical field really desensitized me . I have to be careful not to give too much information and cause someone else to lose their lunch . Yes , it 's happened before ! Hospitals used to be an exciting place for me . I am amazed at how intricately and wonderfully we are made . The human body is so awesome ! I love to help people in the healing process . If I hadn 't fostered and adopted the kids , I would have gone back to nursing school . But lately , probably because of all the illness and hospital stays the past few months , I haven 't been as happy to be around that place . A couple of days ago , as I was passing by the hospital in the evening , I even had a slight panic attack . I 'm also avoiding looking at Ms . D 's cognitive report . I quickly read through it when I got it two mornings ago , but have not looked at it since . I really need to copy it and send it to the regional center , and also go to the medical records department and get her health records sent . But I 've just been " too busy " . Deep down , I know I 'm procrastinating because I 'm emotionally not quite ready . My little panic attack later that night is probably related to getting the report . The cognitive assessment was actually pretty accurate . I realize now that I had been minimizing or explaining away certain behaviors . I 've attributed certain difficulties in learning to her being stressed , distracted , or because of her past . They do probably have an effect on her learning , but aren 't the sole cause of the learning problems . I 've been paying more attention to how she talks to others , and I 've noticed some differences between her and other girls her age , which explains why she has such stormy relationships with her friends . I 'm still grieving , but it 's hard to grieve when the kids are awake . So instead I 've been busying or distracting myself . But in the end I need to get to a place where I let go of what could have been , and enjoy the beautiful and sweet daughter who is such a precious gift . I need to love her for who she is , and not concentrate on her weaknesses . Not many relationships can survive the habit of looking at all the imperfections in the other person . I know one of the strengths in our marriage is that we give our spouse grace and enjoy the strengths of the other person , rather than nit picking at each other 's weaknesses . I sure have plenty of faults ! It 's a bit harder to do this when teaching and raising kids , because I do have a responsibility to train and guide them into adulthood . But there is a balance . I don 't think I have the wisdom to find that balance , but it does and will make me more and more dependent on Him , who has all wisdom . This afternoon we have Grandson over . You 'd never know he is going through a separation anxiety phase , unless you saw him with his mommy just before she left . I remember when I wouldn 't believe that my kids were just fine after I left them with their grandma . I thought she was just saying they were fine to make me feel better . I wonder if my daughter - in - law thinks the same . But now I have proof ! Mr . I started the day on the wrong side of the bed . He fussed . He picked on his sister . He gave plenty of bad looks while I was trying to teach him . He even swore a little bit when I told him we 'd pick up a neighbor kid . Mr . I was happier after that . At least he was happier until I left him this evening to go to my homeschool moms group . But Hubby took them out for frozen yogurt and had a good time of talking about keeping the kids safe . So while I got some social interaction and a focus on giving my burdens to God , one of my main concerns was being taken care of at home . We 'll sure need a lot of help from God to keep these kids safe . I sure can 't raise them alone ! Ms . D and Mr . I had met an 18 yo young man last week through one of Ms . D 's slightly older friends . He said he was a second cousin related to an uncle they didn 't know . Ms . D , in her thinking , immediately trusted the guy ( family first ! ) and invited him over to meet me this afternoon . I was on the sofa not feeling well , and Hubby was out delivering bread to some people we know in need . That 's when the kids bring in this young man . Mr . I went out to play with his friends and Ms . D busied herself with a little cousin who was here . So I asked the guy to sit down and chat . He seemed nice enough , but there were some red flags . He had parked his car a street down and walked over . He had a bit of a surprised look when I was able to work into the conversation that Ms . D was only 13 and younger than his kid sister . My kids were shooting me odd looks like I 'd better accept him or they 'd go behind my back again . I couldn 't figure out why this 18 year old guy would come alone , unannounced , just to meet some younger kids in the extended family . Was he wanting to go out Ms . D ? Was he casing our place out ? I don 't know . So I pretended like I was doing something on my phone and took his picture . We chatted for a bit . I apologized for not being more hospitable , but I wasn 't feeling well . And after about ten minutes , he left . I couldn 't figure out at first what to do . Hubby was gone . The kids are overly trusting and think the birth family would never harm them . They don 't know the danger that some of the family members pose , even though a number of them are awaiting trial for murder . The kids continually dismiss our warnings about signs of gang activity in the family . They believe everything people in that family say . I need to at least know who the people are , how I can reach them , and what dangers there are so I can keep the kids safe . A little bit later I thought of an idea of how to protect the kids . It was a pretty big chance because the warning needed to come from someone in the birth family in order for Ms . D to believe it . Hubby was going to drop some bread and the little cousin at Birthmom 's house a little later in the day . So I asked him to show Birthmom the young man 's picture and see if she knew who he was and what he was like . I was a bit concerned because Birthmom has been very stressed lately and Ms . D was already angry with her . Birthmom had a bit of an anxiety attack in church last night and offended Ms . D . She doesn 't understand why her birth mom would act the way she did . I wasn 't sure if Ms . D would even listen to her if she was still angry . I didn 't have a chance to rehearse with or talk to Birthmom before Hubby talked about the situation with the man . But if she could be on our team to help Ms . D to be more cautious with people , even if they say they are family , we will all be ahead . And that 's just what happened ! Birthmom didn 't really know the man . She thought he could have been related , there are so many people in her family , but she didn 't recognize him in the picture . And she and Ms . D 's older sister both cautioned Ms . D to not be so trusting of everyone who says they are family . They wanted her to be safe too . They did so well ! Blackbelt Daughter asked to make some chocolate this evening with her boyfriend and Hubby . They had fun trying out different additions . I can 't wait to see how our first homemade batch turns out . Today Mr . I was stretched . I told him that we would drop off a couple of things off at Grandson 's house and then go to a Costco that he 'd never been to before . The first part was OK , but the second ? The thought of going to a new store sent him spinning . He talked fast about nothing in particular , had a hard time concentrating , and he kept changing his mind about whether he wanted to go or not . He really wanted to see Grandson ; he adores his nephew . Yet the places we normally grocery shop were in the opposite direction . With gas so expensive , I didn 't want to change plans and drive an extra 25 miles just because Mr . I was uncomfortable . I left it up to him to stay home with Hubby or come with me . He had a hard time making a decision , but he finally decided to come . Then we went to Costco to get some groceries and something for the kids to eat . The strange Costco . The Costco that Mr . I became so dysregulated about visiting . Yes , that one . The kids were too hungry to wait until I was done shopping . It was past lunchtime and they hadn 't eaten much else earlier in the day . We had run out of what they wanted to eat , so they refused to eat a full meal for breakfast . I must not be the only mom to have almost full cupboards yet still hear kids complain there is * nothing * to eat . But since I really did have a time in my life when there was nothing to eat but mustard and spices when I came home hungry after school , I have little sympathy for their complaints . So I gave them a choice that made them s . t . r . e . t . c . h even further . I said they could get something at the food court and meet me in the other part of the store if they didn 't want to wait . They did it ! Mr . I and Ms . D did a good job too ! They returned the change to me when they found me . They smiled and were happy , even offering to help . Mr . I overcame his fear and behaved in a responsible way ! Since then he 's been regulated , happy , and content . I 'm so glad he had this opportunity to grow . This quote is from an awesome little guy , Owen , who I think is about four years old . Of course , sometimes it takes a child to show us the obvious . We don 't always get what we want , but we need to be thankful for everything we do get , and not get all mad at God when things don 't seem to go our way . It 's so simple , but how many times do I fall short ? Part of my anger yesterday was the apparent cluelessness of yet another expert who minimizes the effect of alcohol on a developing brain . Part of me was acting like a mama bear , wanting the best for my kids . But when I really searched my heart , I realized that part of my anger was how inadequate I feel to raise these kids . So the guy 's nonverbal and verbal responses felt like an attack on me and my ability to teach my kids and make educational decisions for them , rather than his enthusiasm for his job . And when he asked me if I prayed for my kids , I was angry that he would even ask that question , like we have neglected our children by not praying for them . But if I am truthful , I must say that I have also been a bit angry that God hasn 't healed the kids as much as I would like . Yes , I get angry at God sometimes . So to put my mind on the good things , and not become bitter , I am going to list a few things I 'm thankful for tonight . 2 . Hubby and I got to spend some time this evening with Photographer Son and his sweet wife and silly kitty . They also fed us some homemade pho . Yummy ! I am thankful for another date night with Hubby . I am so thankful that my older kids are all doing well and love God . 3 . The freedom to homeschool my kids . Though it 's been hard , they are learning at their own pace . They even worked a little on their online schoolwork while I was gone this evening without me asking them to do it . 4 . This afternoon I got to finish a book , The Hunger Games , and it only took me a couple days . We are passing it around among the adults in the family . I love to be able to read and I 'm realizing that I can read more now without the kids acting up . This is a * big * accomplishment in our family . 5 . The younger kids still have issues , like Mr . I is still awake at 11 p . m . and can 't fall asleep , but they have overcome so much . They are really compassionate and tender . 6 . I have all that I need . God has provided time after time , and sometimes I hardly notice . 7 . I have a loving husband and family . That 's better than any material possession ! Posted by Tonight I went with Hubby to a homeschool information panel at our local library . It was close by and a number of my friends and fellow homeschoolers were there . And I was hoping to , and I did , learn of some other groups and resources that we can utilize in the coming years . All went well until the end when we were able to move around and ask further questions of people on the panel . Hubby spotted a friend who is an educational consultant . The friend had worked in the public school system helping struggling learners until last year when budget cuts ended his job . So now he is drumming up work to help homeschool students who are struggling . I have considered working with him . Until tonight . Why ? Because he gave me an unbelieving look when I told him of Ms . D 's IQ score . He made it sound like she could learn anything if he was able to work with her . When I told him that we have to teach her concretely and might never understand things like algebra , he shook his head like we were so wrong . He had no sympathy , no encouragement , and had a very judgmental attitude towards us . He didn 't seem to believe that alcohol kills brain cells . He has no idea of how hard Ms . D and I have worked , and how difficult it is for her to grasp some concepts or remember from day to day . He seemed to have no clue of how FAS affects people emotionally , mentally , and intellectually . He also asked us if we have prayed for Ms . D . Have we prayed for her ? What kind of question is that ! Of course we have prayed for her . I don 't think I 've prayed harder for any of my other kids than how I 've prayed for the two youngest . It has been so frustrating for me to have people minimize the effect of alcohol on fetuses . This interaction tonight just added to my frustration . Would someone tell a parent who has a kid with Down Syndrome that their low IQ score is a misdiagnosis or because the parents didn 't pray ? Maybe Hubby is right and it 's all a misunderstanding . But the nonverbal communication that the man gave me and some of his comments hit a sore spot for me . A very sore spot . I 'm spittin ' mad ! I didn 't write for over a day because I assumed there wasn 't much to say . After all , we haven 't had a major crisis or illness lately , there hasn 't been any seizures , and life has slowed down a bit . Of course when I think about it , our calmness would be someone else 's chaos , but we become accustomed to a certain rhythm in our lives . It became apparent one day last week when one of our neighbors came by to pick up her daughter and remarked about how busy I was . I had thought things were pretty calm until I realized I was making dinner , searching for one daughter 's uniform so her boyfriend could get it to her , watching the neighbor boys , and helping another neighbor girl with her homework while my younger kids were in and out playing with friends . Now I can 't always do that much at once . The workload just happened to flow fairly easily that day . But it 's interesting how my attitude and the stress I feel has more to do with what 's going inside my head than what 's going on outside of it . If I take the time to feed my spirit , soul , and body , I have more capacity to handle what life throws at me . It 's something for me to remember if I feel stressed and overwhelmed . I am getting so tired of this political season and it 's only March . People have been calling each other names , friends accusing others of being uninformed , conspiracy theorists , or worse , and people attacking others personally instead of discussing and debating policies and platforms . I am getting tired of double standards and the misrepresentation of peoples ' character , policies , and beliefs . An example that has been troubling me this week is that I keep getting ads , articles , and news clips that talk about the " Republican War on Women " . Really ? Is it a war on women to think that a religious hospital , employer , or organization should have the right to follow their beliefs and should not be forced to provide or pay for abortions or birth control ? Now I don 't agree fully with the traditional view of the Catholic church on birth control , but I feel a Catholic or any other religious organization or person should have the freedom to not have to fund or provide for something that is contrary to their beliefs . And people have the freedom go somewhere else . At least now they do . I 'm afraid this is just another step in the eroding of our freedom of religion . Now that 's what I feel the real war is about , not a war on women . Totally unrelated thought number 3 : I just had the ( hopefully ) last appointment with the psychologist at Kaiser . I still don 't have Ms . D 's cognitive testing report . The head of the department needs to sign off on it and he 's been on vacation the past three weeks . Hopefully I 'll get it soon so I can apply for the regional center . Because the psychologist doesn 't think therapy would be beneficial to Ms . D because of her IQ , I 'm thinking of looking elsewhere so she can learn to deal with stress better . She was in tears last night and didn 't want to talk to us about her friend who got in trouble with her parents . Her friend 's conflict was pretty overwhelming to Ms . D . Sometimes she seems able to comprehend situations , but other times she misses too many of the subtle social and intellectual parts of interactions . She did talk to Birthdad on the phone about it though . It was interesting to hear her part of the conversation , which showed her concrete way of looking at the world . Hubby and I talked about telling Birthdad about Ms . D 's IQ . He 'd then be able to understand why she talks in certain ways . I think he 'd be able to respond to her with even more understanding , although he seems to be doing pretty well already . I am still praying about what to say to Birthmom because of her limited capacity to think and handle stress . Posted by I thought it 'd be good to write something about making lemonade out of lemons , using the old saying to tie in what 's going on in my life . But today is kind of busy with a psychiatrist appointment , schoolwork , and trying to get as much laundry done before it starts raining , so I 'm not in the space to do much reflection . So maybe another time . Yesterday I really did make lemonade , and I 'll do some more soon . Our Meyer lemon tree is full of ripe fruit , and really needs to be harvested . There are still hundreds of lemons on that poor tree , even after using lemons for our own use and sharing with friends and neighbors . So before the rain makes the tree heavier , I need to get going and make some juice to freeze . A few years ago Hubby got me a nice citrus squeezer . So it doesn 't take long to cut the fruit in half , put in the lemon or orange , drop the handle , and collect the juice . We used to have a squeezer that needed more muscle power , but our Orange X does the job easily . I just have to make sure I put the cup under the part the juice comes out , and don 't start spacing off and leave my finger in the way . OUCH ! When the lemons are squeezed I make lemonade by putting about a cup of lemon juice in a pitcher , sweeten it to taste , and add ice and water . One friend adds blended strawberries . I haven 't tried it yet , but it sounds yummy ! Whatever lemon juice I don 't use , I freeze in ice cube trays , small plastic containers , or silicon muffin cups . The next day I pop them out and put them in a plastic freezer bag . That way , I can bring out just what I need later . It 's nice to have different sizes to choose from for different recipes . Mr . I had asked a few days ago with a friend 's mom , so I said yes . But then the mom had to do some other errands and so they couldn 't go then , but today would be better . Well today he said he needed a ride , and it took a bit for me to wonder why would he need a ride if he 's going with an adult ? When I found out their plans , I told him no , that there is no going to the mall unless there is an adult . He then said I let him do it a few weeks ago . I didn 't realize until he said this that he was unsupervised the last time he went . I thought he was going with some friends to a dance competition next to the mall , at least that 's what he told me , and I assumed he needed a ride home because he had to leave before the other boys were finished . I should never assume with my kids . They can be full of surprises . In his thinking , if I let him do something once , even if he hid some of the story , I should let him do it again . Umm . . . no . The part that bugs me is that I was so dense . I guess I shouldn 't feel so bad , though . I think there was a little muddling on purpose on his part . Once it dawned on me what was going on I told him no . I stood my ground . I will not be manipulated . I will do what 's best for my kids . I am MOM ! Yesterday I was able to break away and spend some time with a few of the women from church . It was so good to chat over brunch . Not all the women have read my blog , so it was good for me to update them on what 's been going on in my life lately . Going to church as a family is wonderful , but there is a limitation in what I can say in front of the kids . I really needed the prayers and the support of those in my church , but the kids have been sticking to me like glue lately . When Ms . D is stressed or isn 't feeling well she hangs on people . Last week she even accidentally pushed me into a chair at church and I almost fell over someone 's popcorn bowl . Fortunately it wasn 't a push , so I didn 't fall , but it was a lean that kept coming and put me off balance . Maybe I need to learn a little yoga or Tai Chi to improve my flexibility and balance . Do you think I 'll fit in with the elderly Chinese at the park ? So yesterday , both at the brunch and later at church , I was finally able to ask for prayer about Ms . D , my learning to deal with the regional center , for my emotions and ability to forgive the birth mom on a new level , and that I can be filled spiritually during this time . I can 't tell you how important it is to have support from other women when you have kids with special needs . The women in my church are amazing and are such a wonderful gift to me . I really needed that girl time ! So now , instead of running from one crisis to another , I 'm able to start to get my life , my house , my homeschool in order again . I 'm able to enjoy my family and friends . I had a great time babysitting for Grandson last night . It was so fun to play , put him to bed , and learn his little bedtime routine . I 'm enjoying life . Instead of reflecting on the past year and planning for the next in January , I 'm doing it in March . It took three overdue library books to remind me that I need to be more deliberate in organization . See , I used to check the library website every week or two to make sure I didn 't have overdue books hiding in the kids ' rooms . Any homeschoolers you ask can tell you that overdue fines can be a real budget buster when you check out so many books . But during the winter , we rarely went to the library so I stopped checking the website . So when I returned the books last week , I overlooked three books and didn 't realize it until after a few days worth of fines . It wasn 't much , but it could have been prevented . I realized that the library book situation was just a symptom of general disorganization due to my personality and the different crises of the past year . And though I can 't change everything , I can start to change a few things , make them a habit , and go in the right direction . The saying , a stitch in time saves nine , is so true . When I get too overwhelmed and disorganized , I forget to pay a bill here , buy something that I already have but can 't find there , and it all adds up . If I 'm to save money and have a neater house , if I 'm going to teach my kids well , I need to do a little planning and take care of things before they get out of hand . Of course it can be pretty overwhelming when I look at the whole picture . But if I tackle an area one at a time , regularly , then the job isn 't so overwhelming . So this week I 'm paying bills , doing paperwork , cleaning the house , mending clothes , and in general , getting a bit more organized . I finally submitted some adoption paperwork this week that was due the end of December . I 'm tackling some projects that I 've been procrastinating . Now getting the rest of the family to start new habits will be a trick , but I think if I work on my stuff , they will come on board a little easier . The kids are slowly ramping up on the schoolwork again . It 's not like we stopped altogether , but we did the minimum these past few months . And it 's hard to get them to realize that we can 't do the minimum all the time . But this week we 've done a little more . Next week I 'll add something else . And hopefully they will get used to the new workload . The same goes for the housework . For some reason , when the house is neater , the kids don 't trash the place as quickly . I 'm hoping to get them to the point where they pick up after their spills without me riding them . But until that time , things need to be organized enough that I see it right away . It 's a lot easier to catch them in the act of spilling juice on the floor than to later notice that there are spots all over the kitchen and wonder how they got there . Because the kids ALWAYS deny making a mess , even when caught in the act . So I 'm settling down to a new normal , at least I hope is a new normal . I never know what will come next , but I need to be prepared . I am working on taking care of the little things before they become big things . And I 'm doing it a bit at a time so I don 't get overwhelmed . Today was Liberation Day for Hubby . He got the last tube out after his surgery and is already feeling much better . It will be good to take long walks with him again , even though he normally walks much faster than I can get my legs moving . Tonight I also went to a Help One Child meeting . It was good to get together with other foster and adoptive parents . It always helps to know I am not alone in this journey and there are other people who have the joys and struggles of raising kids with special needs . We also watched a Karen Purvis video . On the one hand , we feel a bit inadequate after watching it , but on the other hand we get some good ideas and encouragement to try new ways of relating to our kids . Earlier , when I asked Hubby if he was feeling well enough for me to leave the kids with him tonight , I joked about how the kids would respond to another night with me being gone . I told him , " Do you want to bet they both say ' Nooooooo ! Do you HAVE to GO ? ! ! ! ! ! ' " They did not disappoint ! Of course they ended up having a good time , since Hubby and Microbio Daughter took them with a neighbor family out to get some ice cream . When I prayed for them when I came back , the kids were happy and content . We 'll see how things go tomorrow . Maybe I should try some of the things I learned tonight from the video . It 's worth a try ! This time we went to our monthly bee guild meeting . If you are interested in raising bees , or even want to learn more about them , I 'd recommend going to a meeting like this to learn from the collective wisdom of bee keepers . Now beekeepers are pretty diverse , but a rather laid back group of people . I guess that comes with having a hobby like beekeeping where if you get overexcited , the bees can sense it . The bee people also bend over backwards to help others who are just starting out . We learned a lot this time , even though we had gone to a similar class before . And as an added bonus , Hubby and I had another date night ! It 's so good to have something else we can share as a couple . I 'm glad we went . One of the things we learned at the chocolate class was to make almond milk . I had been frightened a bit by watching a friend make soy milk once , and so I imagined almond milk would be just as difficult . But it 's not ! With almonds being so plentiful in California , and since regular milk doesn 't agree with me , I think I 'll try making almond milk at home . Yesterday , when we went to San Francisco for the chocolate class , we left the two youngest in the care of Microbio daughter . She has been so brave in doing things with and for the kids lately . The other day she even took Ms . D to the mall for a shopping trip and then when she came back she took Mr . I and his friends out for some sandwiches . The little ones get really dysregulated when we do things outside of the normal routine , and even more so when I leave them , even for an afternoon . It sure is hard before , during , and in the recovery stage ! But it 's good for me , and it 's good for them to see me go and come back . It helps me to know that they are in capable hands and I don 't have to worry . We went to the city early in order to get a parking space ( $ 18 ) and have time to slowly walk , since Hubby is still recovering from surgery . The class was across the street from the old US mint . There was an exhibition for history groups and museums , so we decided to stop in for a few minutes . Woman Dressed in Turn of the Century Clothing After the museum and a relaxing time of sitting in park people watching , we went to our class . We made chocolate , but also learned how to make almond milk and tasted a strawberry shake made with it . It was so tasty and also very easy to make . Finally , after the class we went to a Vietnamese sandwich shop and had dinner together . One guy in a very colorful group suggested his favorite sandwich and another person in line suggested another . So we ordered one of each and they were both excellent choices ! Even though we spent just a few hours on our date , it was a good time to reconnect after all the drama of the past few months . I 'm so happy that Hubby thought to do it . One of the things that was worrying me lately was reading statistics of marriage difficulties for parents of kids with special needs . Our marriage is really good , and we 've had the little ones with us for nine years , but the new diagnosis of Ms . D 's MR scared me a bit . But even though Hubby and I do have a good marriage , I realize we need to do things to make sure it stays that way . And spending time together , without the kids , doing something interesting and fun , is one of the ways we can keep enjoying each other instead of drifting apart . Thanks , Hubby ! Hubby and I went to a chocolate making class taught by the owner of Benchic Chocolate in San Francisco today . It was so fun to spend time with Hubby , learn something new , make connections , meet people , and learn about the chocolate making process . Hopefully , it might even help the people on Nicaragua who grow the cacao beans . When Hubby went to the Rama Territory last summer for his nonprofit , he found out a few of the people grew cacao trees but don 't have a market . So since then , he 's been trying to figure out how to get the chocolate or ingredients from there to here . This class was a chance to see what goes into some of the process . The chocolate was easier to make than I had thought . What I really want to write about today is how I finished a sewing , knitting , crocheting , or quilting project . Or maybe getting my spring planting done on such a beautiful , sunny , California day . Or maybe about seeing my grandson , or about doing something fun with the family . I want to be able to write about something that would be encouraging . But that 's not what I can write about today . What I am thinking about , praying about , and pondering , isn 't very pretty . It 's not something that I can show others that I 've accomplished something , or at least had fun . What I 'm thinking about is how I 'm having to forgive the kids ' birthmother on another level . I have to forgive Birthmom for making Ms . D MR . Ms . D 's IQ is in the 50 - 70 point range because Birthmom drank alcohol while she was pregnant . I 've forgiven her for giving the kids FASD , but now there 's another level . And I 'm scared for Ms . D , angry , grieving . . . And it 's hard to forgive . But I must forgive her for the kids ' sake , for me , for the rest of the family , and for our relationship with the birth family . We talked about layers of unbelief in church tonight . I 'm staring at a new layer of unbelief in my life . Can I trust that God will take care of Ms . D ? Can I trust that God will give me all I need to love and guide the kids to love and follow God , and to have a good life ? Can I trust that I can give my hurts , my fears , and my need for justice to God ? Can I learn to see the birth family as God sees them ? Can I learn to hear God well enough an obey Him in every step , not holding back in fear , or going ahead of Him in pride ? So maybe tomorrow I can blog about something fun or creative . Hubby and I , after all , are going to San Francisco to take a chocolate making class . I 'm looking forward to it and also writing about it . But tonight . . . I 'm really having a hard time figuring out what to call this post . Nothing quite seems adequate . And I 'm not entirely sure how the two things I 'm thinking about intertwine , yet in some ways they do . The first thought is about a post that another mom of kids with FASD wrote today . She says it so well , I 'll just have to ask you to look at it here . I too , had unrealistic expectations of how my youngest kids would act and heal by living with us . I thought I was prepared . We had done respite care for other foster kids , talked for years with people who have fostered and adopted , took classes , and read up on what to expect . But the bottom line is that you never fully know or deeply understand how bringing kids with FASD into your home will affect your life , your marriage , your other children , your reputation , your faith . And it 's been good . It 's been hard . Harder than I could have ever imagined . Yet good . The other thought I 've had today was about tornadoes . There has been a swarm of them this week and many people have died today . I narrowly missed a deadly tornado when I was three and lived in Illinois , and I 've lived in fear of them since . Now you would think that living on the West Coast , where tornadoes are rare , for over thirty years would lessen the fear response . But until a few years ago , my heart would race and I would break out in a sweat at tornado videos , newscasts , or the few tornado warnings or watches I would hear in the area . When I had a bit of a panic attack after hearing a warning for a tornado about sixty miles away one day , I decided to do something about it . Being the overachieving person that I can be , I decided to desensitize myself as much as possible . I watched videos of tornadoes , I watched movies , I did what I could , like practice relaxation techniques , to get to the place where I could hear about a tornado and not panic . So today , I did the same . And I didn 't panic . I prayed , I watched , I read . But I was able to keep my heart rate down . Sometimes I feel like if I work hard enough , I can do anything , even if it 's overcoming a childhood fear . But I need to remember that it isn 't always possible to make things all better by working harder . I can 't ever work hard enough to heal my kids , to make them act perfect , to do what I want them to do . God is the only one who can heal . I am not the healer . God is the only one who can change hearts . I can only obey Him and trust that He loves the kids even more than I do . I can do some things to help , but I can 't do it all . And knowing that is good . Hard , but good . I am a woman who is trying her best to follow Jesus in the midst of being a wife , a mom of six , two by adoption through foster care , and grandma . I 've called myself Mommy Linda since the two youngest came into our lives and found themselves with two mamas , one who brought them into the world , and one who has the terrifying , yet awesome responsibility of raising them . I used to homeschool the two youngest kiddos , but now that we moved , they are in school . Once I unpack all the boxes and work on the house , I 'll have to figure out what I want to do when I grow up . I love to be creative and make things that last more than a few hours . I am married to an awesome man who is a super alpha geek , which I am most definitely not ! Our lifestyle has changed from city life in California to living in a small island community in the Northwest . Life is an adventure , and writing helps me to put it all into perspective . |
Yes , we could have played it safe and inaugurated this series with something by Chekhov or Gogol or by someone like Alice Munro , who writes nothing but short stories and who does so exquisitely . Instead , we 've selected Sweethearts by Richard Ford , published nearly 24 years ago in his first story collection , Rock Springs , which was recently reissued by Atlantic Monthly Press . Ford is is best known today for his Bascombe novels - The Sportswriter , Independence Day , and The Lay of the Land - but he 's a master of the short story as well . We think Sweethearts is pitch - perfect and heart - rending - and a terrific example of everything a great short story should be . Let us know what you think . ( There 's plenty of room to comment below . ) I was standing in the kitchen while Arlene was in the living room saying good - bye to her ex - husband , Bobby . I had already been out to the store for groceries and come back and made coffee , and was drinking it and staring out the window while the two of them said whatever they had to say . It was a quarter to six in the morning . This was not going to be a good day in Bobby 's life , that was clear , because he was headed to jail . He had written several bad checks , and before he could be sentenced for that he had robbed a convenience store with a pistol - completely gone off his mind . And everything had gone to hell , as you might expect . Arlene had put up the money for his bail , and there was some expensive talk about an appeal . But there wasn 't any use to that . He was guilty . It would cost money and then he would go to jail anyway . Arlene had said she would drive him to the sheriff 's department this morning , if I would fix him breakfast , so he could surrender on a full stomach and that had seemed all right . Early in the morning Bobby had brought his motorcycle around to the backyard and tied up his dog to the handlebars . I had watched him from the window . He hugged the dog , kissed it on the head and whispered something in its ear , then came inside . The dog was a black Lab , and it sat beside the motorcycle now and stared with blank interest across the river at the buildings of town , where the sky was beginning to turn pinkish and the day was opening up . It was going to be our dog for a while now , I guessed . Arlene and I had been together almost a year . She had divorced Bobby long before and had gone back to school and gotten real estate training and bought the house we lived in , then quit that and taught high school a year , and finally quit that and just went to work in a bar in town , which is where I came upon her . She and Bobby had been childhood sweethearts and run crazy for fifteen years . But when I came into the picture , things with Bobby were settled , more or less . No one had hard feelings left , and when he came around I didn 't have any trouble with him . We had things we talked about - our pasts , our past troubles . It was not the worst you could hope for . From the living room I heard Bobby say , " So how am I going to keep up my self - respect . Answer me that . That 's my big problem . " " Take Contac , " Arlene said . " I 've got some some - where . " I heard a chair scrape the floor . She was going to get it for him . The door to the back bedroom opened then , and my daughter Cherry came out wearing her little white nightgown with red valentines on it . BE MINE was on all the valentines . She was still asleep , though she was up . Bobby 's voice had waked her up . Cherry came over to the window where I was and looked out at Bobby 's dog . She liked Bobby , but she liked his dog better . " There 's Buck , " she said . Buck was the dog 's name . A tube of sausage was lying on the sink top and I wanted to cook it , for Bobby to eat , and then have him get out . I wanted Cherry to go to school , and for the day to flatten out and hold fewer people in it . Just Arlene and me would be enough . " You know , Bobby , sweetheart , " Arlene said now in the other room , " in our own lifetime we 'll see the last of the people who were born in the nineteenth century . They 'll all be gone soon . Every one of them . " " We should 've stayed together , I think , " Bobby whispered . I was not supposed to hear that , I knew . " I wouldn 't be going to prison if we 'd loved each other . " Cherry looked at me without any interest . She left her doll on top of the TV . " Poor Buck , " she said . " Buck 's crying . Do you hear him ? " Bobby ate his eggs and stared out the window as if he was having a hard time concentrating on what he was doing . Bobby is a handsome small man with thick black hair and pale eyes . He is likable , and it is easy to see why women would like him . This morning he was dressed in jeans and a red T - shirt and boots . He looked like somebody on his way to jail . He stared out the back window for a long time and then he sniffed and nodded . " You have to face that empty moment , Russ . " He cut his eyes at me . " How often have you done that ? " " Well , that 's where I am right now , " Bobby said . " I 'm at the empty moment here . I 've lost everything . " " I 'm calling you up . Guess who I am , " Cherry said to Bobby . She had her eyes squeezed tight and her nose and mouth pinched up together . She was moving her head back and forth . Bobby ran his hands back through his hair and stared up at the ceiling . " Okay , " he said , " here 's the awful criminal now , ready for jail . " He looked at us then , and he looked wild , as wild and desperate as I have ever seen a man look . And it was not for no reason . " That 's off the wall , " Arlene said . " That 's just completely boring . I 'd never be married to a man who was a fucking criminal . " She looked at me , but Bobby looked at me too . " Somebody ought to come take her away , " Bobby said . " You know that , Russell ? Just put her in a truck and take her away . She always has such a wonderful fucking outlook . You wonder how she got in this fix here . " He looked around the little kitchen , which was shabby and white . At one time Arlene 's house had been a jewelry store , and there was a black security camera above the kitchen door , though it wasn 't connected now . " I just oughta slap you , " Bobby said , and I could see his jaw muscles tighten , and I thought he might slap her then . In the bedroom I saw Cherry standing naked in the dark , sprinkling food in her aquarium . The light made her skin look the color of water . " I don 't know why people came out here , " Bobby said . " The West is fucked up . It 's ruined . I wish somebody would take me away from here . " Bobby 's blue eyes got small , and he smiled at her in a hateful way . I could see Cherry looking in at us . She had not heard this kind of talk yet . Jail talk . Mean talk . The kind you don 't forget . " Do you think I 'm jealous of you two ? " Bobby said . " Is that it ? " " Well , I 'm not . I 'm not jealous of you two . I don 't want a kid . I don 't want a house . I don 't want anything you got . I 'd rather go to Deer Lodge . " His eyes flashed out at us . " That 's lucky , then , " Arlene said . She stubbed out her cigarette on her plate , blew smoke , then stood up to go help Cherry . " Here I am now , hon , " she said and closed the bedroom door . Bobby sat at the kitchen table for a while and did not say anything . I knew he was mad but that he was not mad at me . Probably , in fact , he couldn 't even think why I was the one here with him now - some man he hardly knew , who slept with a woman he had loved all his life and , at that moment , thought he still loved , but who - among his other troubles - didn 't love him anymore . I knew he wanted to say that and a hundred things more then . But words can seem weak . And I felt sorry for him , and wanted to be as sympathetic as I could be . " I don 't like to tell people I 'm divorced , Russell , " Bobby said very clearly and blinked his eyes . " Does that make any sense to you ? " He looked at me as if he thought I was going to lie to him , which I wasn 't . Bobby looked up at the security camera above the kitchen door , and with his finger and thumb made a gun that he pointed at the camera , and made a soft popping with his lips , then he looked at me and smiled . It seemed to make him calmer . It was a strange thing . " Before my mother died , okay ? " Bobby said , " I used to call her on the phone . And it took her a long time to get out of bed . And I used to wait and wait and wait while it rang . And sometimes I knew she just wouldn 't answer it , because she couldn 't get up . Right ? And it would ring forever because it was me , and I was willing to wait . Sometimes I 'd just let it ring , and so would she , and I wouldn 't know what the fuck was going on . Maybe she was dead , right ? " He shook his head . " What would you do , though ? " Bobby said . He bit his lower lip and thought about the subject . " When would you let it stop ringing ? Would you let it go twenty - five or fifty ? I wanted her to have time to decide . But I didn 't want to drive her crazy . Okay ? " " I feel like a dead man , you know ? " And tears suddenly came into his pale eyes . " I 'm really sorry , " he said . " I know you 're mad at me . I 'm sorry . " He put his head in his hands then and cried . And I thought : What else could he do ? He couldn 't avoid this now . It was all right . " I 'm happy for you and Arlene , Russ , " Bobby said , his face still in tears . " You have my word on that . I just wish she and I had stayed together , and I wasn 't such an asshole . You know what I mean ? " " I know exactly , " I said . I did not move to touch him , though maybe I should have . But Bobby was not my brother , and for a moment I wished I wasn 't tied to all this . I was sorry I had to see any of it , sorry that each of us would have to remember it . On the drive to town Bobby was in better spirits . He and Cherry sat in the back , and Arlene in the front . I drove . Cherry held Bobby 's hand and giggled , and Bobby let her put on his black silk Cam Ranh Bay jacket he had won playing cards , and Cherry said that she had been a soldier in some war . " That 'd be good , wouldn 't it ? " Arlene turned and smiled at him . She wasn 't mad now . It was her nicest trait , not to stay mad at anybody for long . " I 'm not so sure about that one back there , though , " Arlene said . She was dressed in a red cowboy shirt and jeans , and she looked tired to me . But I knew she didn 't want Bobby to go to jail by himself . We were on a wide avenue where it was foggy , and there were shopping centers and drive - ins and car lots . A few cars had their headlights on , and Arlene stared out the window at the fog . " You know what I used to want to be ? " she said . Arlene stared a moment out the window and touched the corner of her mouth with her fingernail and smoothed something away . " A Tri - Delt , " she said and smiled . " I didn 't really know what they were , but I wanted to be one . I was already married to him , then , of course . And they wouldn 't take married girls in . " " No . It 's not a joke , " Arlene said . " It 's just something you don 't understand and that I missed out on in life . " She took my hand on the seat and kept looking out the window . And it was as if Bobby wasn 't there then , as if he had already gone to jail . We turned onto the street where the jail was . It was an older part of town and there were some old white two - story residences that had been turned into lawyers ' offices and bail bondsmen 's rooms . Some bars were farther on , and the bus station . At the end of the street was the courthouse . I slowed so we wouldn 't get there too fast . " Isn 't that something ? " Bobby said . I watched him up in the rearview ; he looked down at Cherry and shook his head as if it amazed him . " Oh Cherry , please don 't make me go to jail . I 'm innocent , " Bobby said . " I don 't want to go . " " That 's right , I forgot , " Bobby said . And he widened his eyes at her . " What 's your hurry , Russ ? " Bobby said , and I saw I had almost come to a stop in the street . The jail was a half block ahead of us . It was a tall modern building built on the back of the old stone courthouse . Two people were standing in the little front yard looking up at a window . A station wagon was parked on the street in front . The fog had begun to burn away now . " You go to hell , " Bobby said . And he grabbed Arlene 's shoulder with his hand and squeezed it back hard against the seat . " This is not your business , it 's not your business at all . Look , Russ , " Bobby said , and he reached in the black plastic bag he was taking with him and pulled a pistol out of it and threw it over onto the front seat between Arlene and me . " I thought I might kill Arlene , but I changed my mind . " He grinned at me , and I could tell he was crazy and afraid and at the end of all he could do to help himself anymore . " Take it , goddamn it . It 's for you , " Bobby said with a crazy look . " It 's what you wanted . Boom , " Bobby said . " Boom - boom - boom . " " No , sweetheart , " I said , " it 's not . " I pushed the gun down on the floor under my foot . I did not know if it was loaded , and I hoped it wasn 't . I wanted Bobby out of the car then . I have had my troubles , but I am not a person who likes violence or guns . I pulled over to the curb in front of the jail , behind the brown station wagon . " You better make a move now , " I said to Bobby . I looked at Arlene , but she was staring straight ahead . I know she wanted Bobby gone , too . Bobby sat in the seat and did not move then . None of us moved in the car . I could see out the window into the little jailyard . Two Indians were sitting in plastic chairs outside the double doors . A man in a gray uniform stepped out the door and said something to them , and one got up and went inside . There was a large , red - faced woman standing on the grass , staring at our car . Bobby got out and stood up on the curb . He looked around and shivered . He looked cold and I felt bad for him . But I would be glad when he was gone and I could live a normal life again . " What do we do now ? " Bobby said . He saw the man in the gray uniform , but would not look at him . Cherry was saying something to Arlene in the car , but Arlene didn 't say anything . " Maybe I oughta run for it , " Bobby said , and I could see his pale eyes were jumping as if he was eager for something now , eager for things to happen to him . Suddenly he grabbed both my arms and pushed me back against the door and pushed his face right up to my face . " Fight me , " he whispered and smiled a wild smile . " Knock the shit out of me . See what they do . " I pushed against him , and for a moment he held me there , and I held him , and it was as if we were dancing without moving . And I smelled his breath and felt his cold , thin arms and his body struggling against me , and I knew what he wanted was for me not to let him go , and for all this to be a dream he could forget about . " What 're you doing ? " Arlene said , and she turned around and glared at us . She was mad , and she wanted Bobby to be in jail now . " Are you kissing each other ? " she said . " Is that what you 're doing ? Kissing good - bye ? " " We 're kissing each other , that 's right , " Bobby said . " That 's what we 're doing . I always wanted to kiss Russell . We 're queers . " He looked at her then , and I know he wanted to say something more to her , to tell her that he hated her or that he loved her or wanted to kill her or that he was sorry . But he couldn 't come to the words for that . And I felt him go rigid and shiver , and I didn 't know what he would do . Though I knew that in the end he would give in to things and go along without a struggle . He was not a man to struggle against odds . That was his character , and it is the character of many people . " Isn 't this the height of something , Russell ? " Bobby said , and I knew he was going to be calm now . He let go my arms and shook his head . " You and me out here like trash , fighting over a woman . " I drove Cherry to school then , and when I came back outside Arlene had risen to a better mood and suggested that we take a drive . She didn 't start work until noon , and I had the whole day to wait until Cherry came home . " We should open up some emotional distance , " she said . And that seemed right to me . We drove along the Clark Fork for a while , above the fog that stayed with the river , until the river turned north and there seemed less reason to be driving anywhere . For a time I thought we should just drive to Spokane and put up in a motel . But that , even I knew , was not a good idea . And when we had driven on far enough for each of us to think about things besides Bobby , Arlene said , " Let 's throw that gun away , Russ . " I had forgotten all about it , and I moved it on the floor with my foot to where I could see it - the gun Bobby had used , I guessed , to commit crimes and steal people 's money for some crazy reason . We drove back to where the river turned down even with the highway again , and went off on a dirt - and - gravel road for a mile . I stopped under some pine trees and picked up the gun and looked at it to see if it was loaded and found it wasn 't . Then Arlene took it by the barrel and flung it out the window without even leaving the car , spun it not very far from the bank , but into deep water where it hit with no splash and was gone in an instant . When we had sat there for a minute or two , Arlene said , " Did he ever cry ? When you two were sitting in the kitchen ? I wondered about that . " Arlene looked out the side window at the river . There were still traces of fog that had not burned off in the sun . Maybe it was nine o ' clock in the morning . You could hear the interstate back behind us , trucks going east at high speed . " I 'm not real unhappy that Bobby 's out of the picture now . I have to say that , " Arlene said . " I should be more - I guess - sympathetic . It 's hard to love pain if you 're me , though . " " It 's not really my business , " I said . And I truly did not think it was or ever would be . It was not where my life was leading me , I hoped . " Maybe if I 'm drunk enough someday I 'll tell you about how we got apart , " Arlene said . She opened the glove box and got out a package of cigarettes and closed the latch with her foot . " Nothing should surprise anyone , though , when the sun goes down . I 'll just say that . It 's all just melodrama . " She thumped the pack against the heel of her hand and put her feet up on the dash . And I thought about poor Bobby , being frisked and handcuffed out in the yard of the jail and being led away to become a prisoner , like a piece of useless machinery . I didn 't think anyone could blame him for anything he ever thought or said or became after that . He could die in jail and we would still be outside and free . " Would you tell me something if I asked you ? " Arlene said , opening her package of cigarettes . " Your word 's worth something , isn 't it ? " " What do you think when you get in bed with me every night ? I don 't know why I want to know that . I just do , " Arlene said . " It seems important to me . " " I just think , " I said , " here 's another day that 's gone . A day I 've had with you . And now it 's over . " " You 're not going to leave me for some other woman , now , are you ? You 're still my sweetheart . I 'm not crazy , am I ? " " It 's your hole card , you know , " Arlene said . " You can 't leave twice . Bobby proved that . " She smiled at me again . And I knew she was right about that , though I did not want to hear about Bobby anymore for a while . He and I were not alike . Arlene and I had nothing to do with him . Though I knew , then , how you became a criminal in the world and lost it all . Somehow , and for no apparent reason , your decisions got tipped over and you lost your hold . And one day you woke up and you found yourself in the very situation you said you would never ever be in , and you did not know what was most important to you anymore . And after that , it was all over . And I did not want that to happen to me - did not , in fact , think it ever would . I knew what love was about . It was about not giving trouble or inviting it . It was about not leaving a woman for the thought of another one . It was about never being in that place you said you 'd never be in . And it was not about being alone . Never that . Never that . ________________________________________________________________ Richard Ford was born in Jackson , Mississippi in 1944 and received a B . A . from Michigan State University and an M . F . A . from the University of California at Irvine ( studying under E . L . Doctorow and Oakley Hall ) . He has published six novels : A Piece of My Heart , The Ultimate Good Luck , The Sportswriter , Wildlife , Independence Day ( which in 1996 was the first novel to win both the Pulitzer Prize and the PEN / Faulkner Award ) , and The Lay of the Land . He has also published three story collections : Rock Springs , Women with Men , and A Multitude of Sins and has edited anthologies such as The Granta Book of the American Long Story , The Granta Book of The American Short Story , and The Complete Stories of Anton Chekov , among others . Ford has received numerous awards , been published in a wide array of American magazines , and has taught at various universities around the USA . He lives in Maine most of the year and also spends time in New Orleans and Montana . |
DD will not poop on the potty . I know that it seems like all mommy blogs talk about poop , and I try not to do it so much here , but honestly ? It would be so nice if DD would just use the potty - - for everything . DD thinks that she needs to stand to poop , which kind of makes it hard to convince her that the potty is the way to go . It doesn 't matter to her that her friends are using the potty . Whenever I 've offered a bribe , she completely loses interest in whatever it is I 'm offering ( even if she loved it once ) . I have a box with 2500 freaking stickers in it . She loves stickers . I offered her one roll of stickers for each time she poops on the potty . Now , she acts like stickers are so yesterday . And she told me that I could give the stickers to B & H , the two kids who live down the street . We suggest the potty when we see the " look . " We 've bought potty books , and potty videos , and DD has seen and read all of them . We 've let her pick out " big girl " underwear . They are laundered and waiting . It all just doesn 't matter . Whenever she needs to poop , she will show us the hand and tell us to " leave my poopies alone . " If it weren 't so frustrating , it would be really funny . I know that everything has a season . And then I hear my mother in my ear , telling me how we were potty trained at 18 months ( which I cannot verify , of course ) . Sometimes , it makes me feel like a failure . And then I have to check myself , because this has nothing to do with me , and everything to do with DD . And , I suppose if I were my mother , having to deal with cloth diapers rather than pullups , I would be more motivated . I try to remember all the benefits that there are to diapers . We are rather laid back about them now . We change her in the morning , but DD is lucky to get one more diaper change before bedtime on the weekends ( if she doesn 't poop ) . At daycare , she gets changed every two hours . ( I 'm sure that if they knew what slackers we are , they would be appalled . ) And , it 's kind of nice to be able to go places and not have to worry about finding a bathroom in each of them . It 's bad enough that I have to navigate a public restroom sometimes ; I can 't imagine what it must be like with a little one . So , I guess there are perks . In the meantime , the peer pressure is building at school . More and more kids are wearing underwear and using the potty . And those kids get to visit the next older classroom . DD will eventually move to that classroom , the preschool room , but she will never leave it until she 's potty trained . That means that all of her friends will move on to pre - Kindergarten , while she sits there stewing in her diapers . It will be interesting to see how long this takes . And , as I 've said before , I know that she will be potty trained by the time she gets to high school . Even DD is not bull - headed enough to stay in diapers that long - - right ? As I mentioned before , after I provided my clinic with the information from my Medications and Mother 's Milk book for each of the drugs that would be prescribed for my FET , the doctor said that he would approve of a cycle while I was breast feeding . He did make a couple of substitutions that he believed were more breast feeding friendly , one of which was a change in birth control pills . Instead of a run of the mill pill , he prescribed a " mini pill , " which was a progesterone only pill . They didn 't tell me that I should take the pill at the same time every day . I also didn 't read the package insert , where I suppose I could have become aware of this . The only thing I did was verify that it was a safe drug for breast feeding . Unfortunately , I missed taking a pill at my normal time on July 4 ( because I was preoccupied with the party we were having , I ended up taking it around midnight ) , and my period started the following Monday - - it was worse than normal . Not knowing what to do , I called the clinic . The nurse said that if I didn 't have a second period within 5 days of finishing the pill package , then I should call and they would create an artificial cycle for the FET transfer cycle . When I called yesterday , the doctor decided that he wanted to wait another week to see what would happen . This would make August 1 cycle day 1 , and they will plan to do the transfer on August 20 . And , the nurse noted , August 20 would start my 3 days of rest . Ah yes , the 3 days of rest . I 've been through that before , once during the IVF with my own eggs , and once during the IVF cycle with donor eggs . The first IVF was not successful ; the second gave me my beautiful daughter . I hated the 3 days of rest . They want you to be a couch potato with bathroom privileges . It is exasperating . And , it burns sick days that I would rather save for my maternity leave . I asked the nurse why they require this , and she said that the thinking is that they just want gravity to help things along . Well , difficult patient that I guess I am , I did my own research in advance of my conversation with the nurse . And you know what ? I didn 't find even one study that indicated that this kind of forced rest was helpful - - out of approximately 10 different studies that had considered the utility of this practice . In fact , some studies suggested that forced rest actually had a negative effect on pregnancy rates . All of the studies are from other countries , however , I didn 't find one clinic in the U . S . ( of the sites that came up on my " bed rest embryo transfer " search ) that required enforced rest for such a long time . So , as before with the breast feeding issue , I told the nurse that I had researched the question and had come to a different conclusion about the necessity of the rest after transfer , and I asked her if I could forward the information for the doctor . I am confident that he will actually read it . And , this decision really does belong to me , since I doubt that they would cancel a cycle based on my decision not to rest for three days . I will be very interested to see if he changes his position on this issue . Well . I 'm scheduled for the " procedure . " You know , the procedure that they always recommend for people over 50 ? Um , the one that involves lots of cleansing ? And starving ? Yeah , that one . I 'm not over 50 , but two of my grandparents died of colon cancer in their 50 's . According to my doctor , that puts me at a higher risk than other people . And it means that I need to get the " procedure " done earlier . I think my brother had it done at 40 . I researched this as well , and it seems like the risk is higher if your parents , siblings , or children develop colon cancer ; otherwise , the risk is no different than for anyone else . So , I guess I beg to differ with my doctor , but what the heck . I guess it 's better to be safe than sorry . Since I 'm hoping to get pregnant soon , I figured that I would get all of the stuff like this out of the way . There is no date right now for the FET , but I expect it will be soon . I will have an artificial cycle start date , because I had a regular period in the middle of my pill cycle . Haven 't quite figured out how that happened , but I 'm supposed to call five days after my last pill , which will be Tuesday . I don 't know where they will go from there . So anyway . Tomorrow is the day . I 'm having a virtual colonoscopy . I just could not bring myself to do it the other way . I just couldn 't . But the preparation is the same . I am so very , very , very crabby right now . I haven 't had anything to eat since last night ( clear liquids , broth , jello , and popsicles just don 't do it for me ) . My head aches , and this stuff that you have to take to " clear the decks " is awful . I don 't know why they don 't prescribe an appetite suppressant for this as a matter of course . I 'll just bet that the President 's doctor prescribed one for him for his colonoscopy on Saturday . The virtual procedure is supposed to be fairly short and sweet , and I can carry on with my normal activities immediately after that . Which , for me , will be eating a huge breakfast . Ugh . I shouldn 't have thought about food again . This whole thing can 't be over fast enough . Well . My mother was admitted to the hospital yesterday , because she had fluid in the sac surrounding her lungs . Would you like to know how much they took out ? 1150 cc 's . They don 't quite know why this happened , and it could be because of her cirrhosis ( non - alcoholic , non - hepatitis , just the sucky luck of the draw cirrhosis ) . We are currently waiting for the results of the tests on the fluid . It could be an infection , or it could be a cancer ( or a host of other nasty things ) . I am really , really angry with her for letting this go , and I let her know . She couldn 't even walk twenty steps without losing her breath at times . And , while she did get around to scheduling the appointment with a doctor for an asthma evaluation , she scheduled it for September ! Her lung could have collapsed , and probably it would have if she 'd waited that long . I really hope for her sake that it 's an infection . That would be the best possible result . If it 's because of her cirrhosis , then she will need to go once a month , or once every other month , to have the fluid removed . She asked her doctor if this meant that she was going to die soon , and he said no , but it was something that she would have to put up with . I asked her if she told the doctor that she plays games with her Lasix ( a water pill that 's supposed to help prevent these kinds of problems ) . Of course , she hadn 't mentioned that . And she has never told anyone that she sat around in a fleece jacket in the 85 - degree heat on the 4th of July at my house because she was so cold . I guess I 'm asking the age - old question - - how do you get someone to take care of themselves ? If she dies soon , DD won 't even remember her . And she will never get to meet her last grandchild , should I be fortunate enough to get pregnant again . Such a waste . I mentioned that my parents had celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary recently . They threw their own party . They didn 't decide until the last minute that they wanted one , and then they threw things together rather quickly . Very typical of them . And , even though my mother said that she would be at the hall at 5 : 00 , she was late . My brother and I were there on time , and as usual , we waited . And waited . And waited . People started to arrive before my parents finally got there . And then my mother wanted any number of things set up . It was kind of embarrassing . Her excuse for being late this time ( excuse number 5 , 126 ) - - She claimed that her " sugar " rose so high that it made her dizzy ( registering at 190 ) . She also claimed that she had to work out on a stationery bike for awhile to bring it down to 170 . And that supposedly made a difference . My question was why was she eating sugar / carbs when she wasn 't supposed to ? But I digress . Fifty years for them . It is absolutely amazing . They fight like cats and dogs ; no physical abuse , just constant arguing . When I was growing up , I used to wonder if they loved each other , and I swore that I would never get married if it meant that I would have to be in a relationship like theirs . They always had their favorite arguments . For my mother , it was the fact that my father never picks up after himself . For my father , it is because my mother saves newspapers . I swear - - she literally still has newspapers from before I was born . And we are not allowed to throw them out . We need to leave them alone , so that she can " go through them . " Their house is literally piled from floor to ceiling with crap . Neither of them will throw anything out . I truly believe that I will have to take an extended leave of absence after they go just to close up the house and sell it . And I will have no idea what is important and what is not . Because they have saved it all . Anyway , back to the party . My brother 's youngest child is six , and DD just loves her . They had a wonderful time running back and forth and around and around . I remember ( vaguely ) when I was a little girl and did the same thing . Now , I wish I had even half of that energy . DD ate some roast beef , which was a surprise , since we didn 't think our picky eater would eat anything . And , of course , she enjoyed her ice cream dessert . After dinner , when the DJ started playing , DD just got up , went onto the dance floor , and started dancing - - all by herself . And she was pretty good , for a two year old . She looked so pretty in her purple dress - - the only color that she would wear to grandma and grandpa 's party . A group of us did the chicken dance and the hokey pokey , and DD enjoyed dancing with us . I wish that I had just a little bit of DD 's self - confidence . She has absolutely no self - consciousness at all . It is wonderful to see . The attendees consisted of family and friends . DD was the youngest child , and the only other children who came were my brother 's kids . Everyone else was either my age or my parents ' age . And I was struck with an overwhelming sadness in the middle of this happy event . You see , many of my parents ' friends have died . They had a small wedding party - - the matron of honor , the best man , and one other couple . The groomsman , a cousin , couldn 't come - - he is too sick with leukemia . My mother 's maid of honor ( also my godmother ) couldn 't figure out why my mother wanted her to sit at the head table . My mother reminded her that she was the maid of honor , so of course , she should sit at the head table . Her response ? " I don 't remember that - - you would think I would remember something like that ! " My mother had to pull out her wedding pictures to prove that this woman was her matron of honor , and even then , she didn 't recall . One of my mother 's best friends , who has known me since I was born , asked me what my name was . And another woman , a cousin whom I 've known since I was born , asked me if I was R 's daughter . I said yes , and she explained that her mother was my father 's aunt . I told her that I knew that , and then she asked who I was . Most of these people are part of the fabric of my life . They are my rocks . They are supposed to be there always . But they are slipping away . And I don 't quite know what to do about that . Obviously , there is nothing that I can do about it . Time marches on . But I don 't quite know where I am supposed to anchor my life , without these wonderful people to brace upon . I know that my parents will be gone soon , and I simply cannot imagine my ability to continue breathing in a world that I don 't share with them . I hope that we will be blessed with another healthy baby , and I hope that my parents can see him or her . You know , I was so overwhelmed when DD was born . My mother asked to come over , and I told her no . DH stayed home with me for about three weeks . I thought that my mother wanted to visit and I would have to entertain her . DD and I were sleeping in the guest room ( with what little sleeping we were doing ) . Since DH was sleeping in our room , that left only the couch . I couldn 't imagine asking my mother to sleep on the couch , and I didn 't think that I had it in me to even hold a civil tongue in my head during that difficult time . But I later learned that all she really wanted was to do was to help me , like her mother had helped her . And , she told me that I had really hurt her feelings when I told her we could manage on our own . I just didn 't know . And I hope that I get another chance to let her come over and help me , even if she drives me crazy . Please God , give me another chance . Before I have to let her go . My husband has registered to receive alerts from the National Sex Offender Registry . They send us an e - mail whenever a sex offender moves near us . I highly recommend it . You can tell them your address , and you can see a map with home locations of sex offenders within a couple miles of your home - - green boxes are sex offenders who have abused adults ; red boxes symbolize sex offenders who have abused children . You can find out where they live , and what they 've done . I think that 's a good thing , because I could care less about the 18 year old who had sex with his 16 year old girlfriend . It 's a crime , but it doesn 't keep me up at night . People who would abuse children , on the other hand , are my worst nightmare . My husband recently received a notification that an offender moved just down the street from us , less than a five minute walk away . He was convicted of abusing a child , and on further research , DH learned that this man didn 't even serve any jail time after his conviction . I was livid . I printed out the information about him , and I passed it out to people who lived near us with small children . Fortunately , the web site will also give you a photo . DD and I also visited the local police department . I wanted to make sure that they were aware that this slime bucket had moved into the neighborhood , and I wanted to make sure that they were going to keep an eye on him . The police officer seemed absolutely delighted that we paid him a visit . Why ? Because Mr . Child Abuser hadn 't bothered to register , which is likely a violation of his probation . Gee , that 's too bad . It 's really a shame that he might actually have to serve some time for having ruined that child 's life , whoever he or she is . And you know what ? I am going to sleep much better tonight knowing that I 've done something good . A friend sent me this link to a song that deals with infertility that I thought I would share with all of you . It did such a good job , I cried the entire way through . But it is pretty . Wow , it 's been a busy few days . Last Friday , we went to our first concert in the park for the season . We missed the very first one because DH wasn 't feeling well . This concert was kind of eclectic , with all different kinds of music . DD really , really enjoyed it . She went off onto the grass and started dancing alone , but when they asked people to come forward to dance in a conga line , she dragged me by the hand so that we could dance . Well , actually I danced . DD decided that she wanted me to carry her around and dance at the same time . We sometimes call her " Miss 28 pounds , " and quite honestly , she is getting a little big for all the carrying she would like us to do . But it was fun anyway . On Saturday , our handyman asked us to be his guests at a party . The party was at a house on a lake , and a fireworks display was planned for later in the evening . They had chocolate chip cookies and a trampoline in the backyard , so DD thought that she 'd died and gone to heaven . She was very excited about the fireworks - - until they started . Then , she buried her head in DH 's shirt and wouldn 't look up . This went on for quite awhile , and no amount of encouragement worked . It was really kind of miserable , because it was kind of cold and windy , and the main reason for being there - - so DD could enjoy her first fireworks - - made both of us kind of want to just throw in the towel and leave . Finally , I asked DH to pass her over , and by some small miracle , I got her to look up at the fireworks . She was completely enthralled and watched until the end . After that , it was all she could talk about , so I guess it was a success . On Sunday , we celebrated my nephew 's birthday . He 's growing like a weed - - he turned 14 this month . I simply cannot believe that he is growing up so fast . It seems like yesterday that he was a little toddler in glasses ( they looked cute on him , though he has outgrown them ) . He 's such a serious kid now . He kind of reminds me of a future engineer . DD really enjoyed playing with K , her seven year old cousin . They went into the bedroom and played quietly . It was very strange not to have to watch her . I peeked in on them a couple of times , but they weren 't getting into any trouble . I could really get used to relaxing and enjoying the company of adults again . I wonder if this is what it 's like in families with two kids - - though I suppose that the downside would be the fighting . Yesterday , we had a little 4th of July party for family and friends . I 've mentioned before that our street is on the parade route , and the 4th of July parade is about an hour long . I don 't think it was as good this year as in the past ( only one marching band , and lots and lots of advertisements from local businesses ) . They started the parade at the other end of town again , so I don 't think that the kids got as much candy as they otherwise would have . When the parade starts at the end of our street , my niece and nephews can fill up an entire plastic bag full of goodies . But , it was OK . After it was over , the kids couldn 't wait to get into the pool , so we obliged . Later on , it was hot dogs and hamburgers for all . My parents were there , and I 'm even more worried about my mother than I have been . She had a hard time breathing , with very little exertion . She used an inhaler , but I don 't think that it helped much . And , even though the day was sunny and the temperature around 85 , she wore a fleece jacket that she kept zipped up . She said that she was cold , and that she 's often been cold since her bypass surgery in 2003 . She asked for a hot dog , and she only ate one bite of it . That was all that I saw her eat all day - - from 9 : 15 in the morning until they left . She did admit that she has been losing weight , so I wonder how often she actually is eating . She 's been 40 - 50 pounds overweight most of her adult life , and she 's lost at least 20 pounds recently . We all talked to her about going to the doctor , and she said that she had an appointment with her heart doctor next week on Tuesday . She still hasn 't made an appointment with a doctor specializing in asthma , and that was suggested to her months and months ago . I don 't know who prescribed the inhaler , but it was just a rescue inhaler , not an asthma treatment . I truly don 't know what to do about her . My constant nagging has gotten nowhere . My husband said that short of commandeering her schedule , taking her to all the doctors that she should see , and participating in all the appointments , there is nothing much more I can do . I hate to sit there and watch her die . I think she 's being so silly . A friend of mine also tried to talk with her yesterday . Later , my friend said that she thought my mother was acting a bit like a martyr , but she also thought my she was scared to find out what the problem is . I guess I feel like things are what they are , and doctors might actually be able to help . She 's already got a fatal disease ( non - alcoholic cirrhosis , and she is in the end stage ) , so how much worse can it get ? She often says , " when it 's your time , it 's your time . " But my response is that you can do things to hasten your time - - like stepping in front of a train . I think that ignoring your health hastens the inevitable too . My parents left around 3 : 00 . I called later on , and my dad told me that my mother had gone straight to bed . She did get up later in the evening , and she said she was feeling better . She did sound better . She said her sinuses were bothering her , so maybe she 's caught a little bug that made her feel under the weather , along with everything else . My friend stayed until around 7 : 00 . She and her daughter were the last to leave . Her daughter is seven years old , and she and DD got along really , really well . They played well together , inside and outside . Every time I checked on them , they were doing what they were supposed to be doing . After she left , we cleaned up a little and then left for another fireworks display . DD had asked to see some more fireworks . These fireworks were at a local park , which was really kid friendly . DD played on some of the park equipment . There were a lot of kids on the equipment , and I would have probably shied away from it if DH weren 't there . But DD wanted to play , and DH kind of shadowed her . I was worried that someone would push her off the upper levels , but it didn 't happen . And , since there were lots of small , spongy woodchips on the ground , I figured that she wouldn 't get hurt if she had fallen . I really enjoyed watching DD . There were a number of things that she wanted to do , but she stayed back and watched for awhile before attempting them . And , once she 'd screwed up her courage , there was no stopping her . I 'm glad that she is the kind of person who knows what she wants and plans for it . I hope that she keeps that up . The fireworks display started around 10 : 00 , and it was kind of damp and cold . You could see the display from anywhere in the park , so we decided to spread our blanket out by our car ( we 'd parked on a very large soccer field , and the lanes were wide ) . It probably wasn 't the wisest choice , because there were cars leaving while the fireworks were going on . Not only was it distracting , I think it was dangerous . There were lots of people ( and children ) sitting on blankets by their cars . I was kind of worried that someone would get hurt . But , everyone was careful , so I guess it was OK . DD was not scared at all this time . But she 'd had enough halfway through the display and wanted to leave . I guess fireworks are so " yesterday " for her now . We stayed until the end , and we were literally in our car within a minute after they stopped . But it still took us a full hour to get out of the park . I don 't know where all the traffic came from . Well , that 's all for now . I do have several topics that I want to write about , but this is the first time that I 've had to sit down and actually type something out . I took the day off today , and DD is taking her nap . I think that I 'm going to wake her up so we can go to the spray park . I 'm hoping that she 'll like it . |
Little Jonah will be 2 weeks old tomorrow , and I can 't believe time has passed by so quickly . I am sure that because so much time has gone by I have forgotten little details and feelings and that my perspective on the experience has changed , but I will try to write as close to what I remember as possible . ( And now as I finally finish , he is almost 3 weeks old - - it 's amazing how little time I have with two hands free to type ! ) Skip down to the * * * if you just want the labor story and not everything leading up to it . Michael and I prepared for Jonah 's birth with the help of my aunt , Heather Zemp . She is a Hypnobirthing instructor and has had three of her own natural Hypnobirths . I had originally asked her to educate me because I wanted to feel prepared in the case that something did not go as I had planned and I would have to do the birth naturally . But the theory of Hypnobirthing really required us to be totally committed - - I could do this naturally because that was the way my body and the baby 's body was designed . I did not need to feel pain ; pain was just a cultural response to birth . I am a self - proclaimed wimp ( I have passed out over plain old menstrual cramps ) , so I had my doubts , but Heather helped me to feel that with Michael and with enough preparation , I really could handle this . It would be manageable . I had been feeling Braxton Hicks contractions , or practice surges in Hypnobirthing speak , at least several times a day through the last few weeks of my pregnancy . But things were moving very slowly . I had quit my job so that I would have 2 weeks before my due date to get our last minute items on our to - do list done , and once I wasn 't working anymore I felt like the baby could arrive any time . Even so , I felt relatively calm and in little rush to get him here up until my due date , February 15th . That day had a curse on it ; magically I was no longer content with being pregnant . I was frustrated , feeling huge , and having to pee every three minutes ( at least it felt like that ) . On February 11th , I was dilated to a 2 , and on February 18th I had a doctor 's appointment in the afternoon with the nurse practitioner , Ashley . I was surprised when Dr . Rawson came in with her and said that there were both sugar and protein in my urine sample and he was going to send me over to the hospital to do a non - stress test even though my blood pressure was normal . I had eaten 3 or 4 waffles that morning with some very sugary syrup that we had made the day before , so I knew why I had sugar in my urine - - whoops . But Michael and I spent the rest of the afternoon at the hospital watching the monitors that showed my contractions and the baby 's heartbeat . It took several hours , but I didn 't feel at all concerned . I lost my mucus plug on Friday , the 19th , and spent many hours walking over the next couple of days , going to museums downtown and around the neighborhood . The next Monday , February 22nd , I had yet another appointment . I was dilated to a 4 and was 80 % effaced , and baby was at a + 1 station . Knowing that those painless surges were actually doing good work was very encouraging ; I started thinking that maybe labor really could be a painless experience . Dr . Rawson stripped my membranes again , and this time felt very different from the last ; I had to do some deep breathing . Before we left , Dr . Rawson said he would be very surprised if the baby didn 't come on his own in the next day or two . We made an appointment for the 24th , hoping that he could strip my membranes for the last time , I would go into labor , and I would have a baby before he was off - call for the weekend . Ashley had scheduled a medical induction at my previous appointment for the 24th , but Dr . Rawson was okay with moving it to the 29th with hopes of not needing that appointment . When I went to bed , those Braxton Hicks were 20 minutes apart , but still not painful . On Tuesday , February 23rd , I made eight freezer meals , cleaned the house again , and felt frustrated . I wrote in my journal , " We watched the final episode of Parks & Rec that we were saving until labor - - maybe I 've given up hope of having a baby ever ? : ) " I had planned on watching that episode in the early stage of labor to keep me distracted . While we were watching , I wasn 't feeling great and felt maybe a little bit crampy , but I just attributed it to being tired and ornery about still being pregnant . We went to bed about 10 : 00PM ( I think ) , but I was waking up every fifteen minutes or so to a strong cramp . I thought this might be the beginning of labor , but I had read in books and on blogs that you want to rest as much as you can at the beginning of labor , especially if it is in the middle of the night . So I fell as asleep as I could get between contractions and started timing them on my phone around midnight . They were 15 minutes apart and between 30 seconds and one minute apart - - not at all consistent - - but they were definitely uncomfortable . Around 1 : 00AM , I stopped timing them because they were so far apart and not long enough , but by 2 : 00 I was getting overwhelmed . I knew labor could last for many , many hours , especially with a first baby , and I wasn 't sure that I could make it through a whole day of these very uncomfortable contractions . I was trying to breathe through them like I had been practicing , which did help some , but I didn 't think I could handle much more intensity or continuing for any long period of time . This brought on stressed - out tears , and I woke Michael up for moral support . It was at this point that I was no longer able to sleep between contractions , and I felt the time warp of active labor taking over . I stayed in bed with Michael for about an hour , though , trying to rest while he took charge of using my phone to time the contractions and the time between each of them . It felt like I had to pee with just about every contraction , so I spent several contractions on the toilet . I tried sitting on the birthing ball , kneeling on the floor with my elbows and chest on the bed , hanging from Michael 's neck while circling my hips , but nothing relieved the intensity . Michael seemed very calm and collected ; as we were preparing I had been a little bit worried that I would be annoyed by his trying to help , but in the moment I only ever felt that he helped me to focus and relax . When I started freaking out , he forced me to breathe and to look into his eyes while he told me to be " loose and limp " and that I was " calm and confident , " which are phrases from the Hypnobirthing affirmations . He always did exactly what I needed him to do . I don 't know if it was Michael or me who suggested getting in the shower or the tub , but we ended up deciding not to yet - - we were going to save that for later on . Michael went to the garage to turn up the water heater , though , so that there would be plenty of hot water when I decided to get in . Then things started moving really quickly . I threw up two or three times and I began shaking between contractions , which I could tell made Michael very nervous . My hands also started feeling numb and tingly , which felt how they do usually before I pass out . At this point , I was in the bathroom , and Michael said it was time to go to the hospital ; apparently contractions had been between three and four minutes apart for about an hour . Had I not had him to tell me what to do , I don 't think I would have ever made it to the hospital because I was so out of it even between contractions . I could tell that Michael 's energy was very elevated . I had the suitcase packed at the foot of our bed , but we hadn 't yet packed the daily things like toothbrushes , makeup , deodorant , etc . , so Michael was running around trying to get everything into the suitcase very quickly . Every once in a while I would think of something else we needed and send him running again . He grabbed a jacket for me and tennis shoes , and I distinctly remember that it took me a significant amount of brain power to tell him I couldn 't put on tennis shoes right then and to get me some sandals . We got in the car , and I couldn 't imagine sitting down , so I knelt in the back seat with my arms resting on the back , next to the little black car seat that would soon have this little person in it . I guess it was then that I realized we hadn 't let my parents know that things were happening . My mom had told me several times that she didn 't want to just get a call saying that we were on our way to the hospital , and here I was calling her and telling her that we were on our way to the hospital . I just hadn 't been sure that anything real was happening , and by the time it was real I was not thinking about getting in contact with anyone . I called at 4 : 06AM . She told me to tell Michael to send her texts every once in a while to let her know how things were going , but he was so focused on me that he didn 't do that either . ( We actually both got texts at 10 : 15AM saying , " I 'm dying ! ! I need to know you are okay ! Please send a text or anything . " Sorry , Mom ! ) . When I got off the phone with her , I finally turned on the Hypnobirthing Affirmations track and moaned through several contractions . It felt like Michael was zooming around corners , and I asked him to slow down when turning several times , I 'm sure because my muscles were trying to do something other than keep me upright when taking the turns . It was surreal watching Rayford Road pass by through the back window , and it felt like it was going to take forever to get to the hospital . Luckily , though , I think we hit just about every green light and it only took about 15 minutes to get to the hospital from our house . I probably had two or three contractions while we were walking from the parking lot to the Control Station in the Labor and Delivery ward . We saw a few people walking through the halls , most of whom asked if I wanted a wheelchair , and I am not sure if it was the fact that I had an audience and wanted to look strong or if the walking really was a huge help , but walking through the contractions actually felt way easier than staying still ( and sitting down sounded like torture ) . I didn 't expect myself to be so vocal during labor , but I think right about the time I woke Michael up I started loud , low moans , probably about three per contraction . Walking through the halls of the hospital , though , I feel like the contractions were more manageable and I was much more quiet - - I 'll have to check with Michael on that , though . Michael got me checked in at the Control Station at 4 : 30AM . They made me get on a scale ( really , you need to weigh me right now ? ) but I was in the middle of a contraction when they asked me to get on ; I was going to step on , but Michael stopped me and said , " She 's in the middle of a contraction . We 'll wait just a minute . " Finally , we were escorted back to a triage room pretty quickly where they had me change into a hospital gown and get on a bed to be checked . I definitely did not love having someone stick their hand up into the place where I was trying very hard to relax . We were told that I was dilated to a 6 or 7 and the baby was at a 2 - station , which was disheartening because at my last appointment Dr . Rawson said he was much lower , at a 1 + station . It was at this point that both the doctor and the nurse , if I remember correctly , asked if I wanted an epidural . I want to say that this was the most difficult part of labor , or at least one of the top three difficult moments . If I was going to get an epidural , this was my chance . If I said no , it was going to be too late to request one . I looked at Michael and just started bawling , and then asked him , " Do I want one ? " I honestly don 't remember him saying anything and I don 't remember answering the doctor or the nurse ; it seemed to me that the decision was made by not answering their question . Looking back , if Michael had even seemed to entertain the idea of an epidural , a natural labor and delivery would have been over for me ; I relied on him so heavily to keep me on track and motivated . A nurse handed me a sheet to hold around my backside and she guided us to our room . They had to get me started on antibiotics right away because I had tested positive for Group B Strep bacteria in my urine about halfway through my pregnancy , but apparently they were having problems getting me admitted ( still not sure what the problem was ) , so they put in the IV without the antibiotic at first . They also put the monitors around my belly and needed me to sign some documents ( I have no idea what I signed ) , and I had to lay on the bed through a couple of contractions . Michael suggested trying to walk around , but they were still monitoring contractions and the baby 's heartbeat , so the nurse suggested sitting on a birthing ball next to the monitor . I tried that for a very short time and must not have liked it much , because very soon I was back up on the bed . Sometime between about 5 : 30 and 6 : 00AM the nurse checked me again and told us that I was at a 9 and my amniotic sac was bulging . Michael and I looked at each other and both started crying ; the relief and release of doubt was so tangible . " I can do this ! We 're almost there ! " That was the first time I have ever seen Michael cry , and at that point I realized how emotional and overwhelming this experience was for him as well . I am not sure what prompted the nurse to do that check , if I had said that I felt like I wanted to push or if that feeling came shortly after . Regardless , I started having the intense urge to push , and every time I said so I prompted another vaginal check by my nurse , Jennyfer . I felt like she was pushy , but I met her again the day after Jonah was born and she did not seem that way at all , so I think I probably just felt that in the intensity of the moment . Apparently I had a little lip on my cervix that could tear if I started pushing before it got out of the way . Jennyfer said they were going to break my water so that things would move along and I could start pushing , and I was just going to go along with it , but Michael stopped me and said , " Is that what you want ? " Oh , right . No . It was not . So we kept moving positions , turning on my sides , getting up on my knees to try to get that lip out of the way ; it felt like it was never going to move , so about a half an hour later ( I believe ) , we asked them to break my water . Later , when I was pushing , Jennyfer told us that the bag of waters was actually pushing the cervix open , so when they broke the water and the pressure was not there anymore , I actually went back to an 8 . We could not have known that , but it was a reminder to me that my body knew what it was doing , and it probably would have been better to just let it proceed naturally . Around then , Michael asked me if I wanted to try getting out of bed , but before I could answer Jennyfer said , " I 'm not going to let you do that . I don 't want this baby falling out onto the floor . " At about 6 : 30 or 6 : 45 , Jennyfer said that she thought I could push through the lip without there being a problem , and she started telling me how she wanted me to push - - holding my breath and directing all my energy toward my bottom , " like you are taking the biggest poop of your life . " I had forgotten all about Birth Breathing , but luckily Michael again stepped in and said , " Is that how you want to do it ? " Oh . Again . No . I want to try something else . I was trying to push the baby down with my breath like I had read about , and I tried for some time , but it didn 't feel like it was doing anything . And the nurses kept saying , " If you want to have this baby , you NEED to hold your breath and stop making so much noise . You 're wasting all of that energy and intensity . " Birth Breathing did not last very long before I finally started pushing like they told me to . They told me to wait until the peak of the contraction and then go hard . I could feel my body getting incredibly tense with each push , which is something that Hypnobirthing teaches you to avoid at all costs , but I did not feel like I could relax while pushing . I especially noticed how sore my calves were once my feet were up in the stirrups . 7 : 00AM brought a shift change , and Jennyfer was replaced by sweet Thao . She had a much calmer presence , and I felt more at ease with her . She held and stroked my right leg as I pushed ( which , I 'm now realizing had not been shaved in probably about a month ) , told me how well I was doing , and was much more gentle when and asked my permission ( or at least warned me ) before she checked me . Michael , too , kept me focused . There were times when I felt totally out of control - - the image I have in my mind is a horse that whips its head back and forth with crazy eyes - - that Michael forcefully said my name , made me look in his eyes , and reminded me to breathe and relax . He was always right by my side , completely focused on what we were doing . In the weeks leading up to baby , Michael had been a little obsessed with the NBA basketball season ( the Warriors and Jimmer Fredette , specifically ) and I had some visions of him watching basketball clips while I was laboring , but I had not needed to worry about something like that happening at all . Dr . Rawson had come in at several points while we were laboring in our room . He has a very calm demeanor , and he was willing to let things happen the way we wanted them to . I remember him sitting quietly on a stool near the door for several minutes at a time , going in and out of the room a couple of times between 5 : 30 and 7 : 00AM , so when he finally started suiting up with gloves and gown I knew we were really close . The nurses told me that for this last part , I needed to get on my back for the doctor , and though we had talked to Dr . Rawson about delivering in a different position , potentially squatting , I didn 't care enough to argue about it . And making that quarter turn from side to back was difficult enough ; I didn 't really want to try any big movements ( though I don 't know if I thought that consciously , or if I was thinking any conscious thoughts at that time ) . Not long after I started pushing , the room got busy ; it felt like there were a lot of people going in and out . The baby 's nurse came in and introduced herself ( I remember next to nothing about her ) . Dr . Rawson brought his stool over and sat at the foot of the bed . The bright lights were turned on and aimed so the doctor could see . And someone put the big , rectangular mirror at the foot of the bed . It removed me a little bit from the experience , almost like watching a movie . I could see my own face straining through a push and I could see my body opening to accommodate this little person , but it was hard to comprehend , to wrap my head around . Before long we could see the top of his head , with a little bit of hair , and I felt so surprised to reach down and feel that little soft head that wasn 't a part of me ; obviously , I wasn 't going to be able to feel anything from the perspective of the baby , but I felt like I should have been able to . It was awe - inspiring to watch that little circle of head get bigger and bigger . Dr . Rawson said that he was going to give me a shot of Lidocaine just in case I tore so that I wouldn 't have to feel the stitches , and I readily agreed to that . It sounds crazy to say it , but the moment that the baby emerged was over too fast . The " ring of fire " lasted just for a split second , but I think I must have closed my eyes for a moment . I saw the baby 's head come out , and then Dr . Rawson moved to my right to turn the baby and deliver his shoulders and blocked my view of the mirror . Now , I wonder if he did it on purpose so I couldn 't see how badly I had torn . But it also gave me the chance to turn to Michael and see his expression of pure awe . And just like that , I had a little warm , screaming baby on my chest . Michael and I looked at each other and laughed and cried - - I don 't have the words to describe that moment when it was finally over and we had made it through together . I think all I could say was , " Oh ! " and " I did it ! " The first thing I noticed about Jonah was that he squeaked when he inhaWhen Dr . Rawson asked Michael , " Are you ready ? " a few minutes later , I had no idea what he could have been asking about . But Michael nodded and turned to cut the cord . A few minutes later it was time to deliver the placenta . I felt a contraction , gave a push , felt a big splat , asked if that was it , and Dr . Rawson said no . Michael told me afterward that the splat was a large amount of blood that sprayed Dr . Rawson 's front and shoes . With the next contraction , I felt the placenta slide out . After a few minutes , Dr . Rawson held it up and showed us the amniotic sac and how the placenta turns inside out during delivery . He then told me that I had torn and he was going to stitch me up . I asked him how bad it was and he responded with , " Not too bad . Only two stitches . " But he was down there for a long time , way longer than I thought two stitches would take . And I could feel him putting in the stitch on my left side , which was not comfortable , but way less painful than I thought it would be . I ended up with a second - degree tear , which I keep telling Michael that I think if that would not have happened , I could have run a marathon the next day . That 's definitely an exaggeration - - mostly because I 've never run more than a consecutive two miles in my entire life - - but my recovery has been really relatively painless . Then suddenly everyone was gone , and Michael and I were sitting in our room with this tiny little person that I had just birthed . Michael changed his shirt , and held his baby for the first time . I didn 't even notice , but Michael hadn 't felt like he had time to put on a shirt as we were getting ready to go to the hospital . He had just put on his red jacket over his garment top and had worn that until a couple of hours after Jonah was born . My Relaxation and Hypnobirthing playlist was still playing as we got to our room , and I hardly noticed it , but during this hour I asked Michael and he said it had been playing the whole time and he had been wondering what the nurses thought about it - - some of the lyrics are a little strange if you hadn 't been listening to them for weeks . This was also when we finally let our family know what had happened - - the text with a picture was sent out at about 10 : 15AM ( again , sorry Mom ! ) . Time from 10PM on the night of February 23rd to now has been in an absolute warp , but nothing so strange as those hours of labor , delivery , and the first moments with our baby . I told my neighbors when we got back from the hospital that I just loved our nurses , but especially Thao , the nurse who was there for the delivery and first 12 hours of Jonah 's life . I truly feel like I imprinted on her because she was there for some of the most emotional and important moments I have experienced . I watched her help Michael get Jonah dressed for the first time , change his diaper , and swaddle him up . She helped me get out of bed a few hours later to go to the bathroom and clean myself up a little bit , and I honestly thought I was in love with her . When Thao took me to the bathroom and I finally peed for the first time in many hours , it was one of the most relieving feelings in the world . I had peed about every hour through the last week of pregnancy , and during that time peeing was so disappointing because I would feel like I had to pee so bad and then only a couple of drops would come out and I knew I would have to pee again very shortly . So this post - partum pee was a beautiful thing . And Thao was just so gentle and sweet . I told Michael soon afterward that I didn 't feel like it was an incredibly spiritual experience like I thought it would be . When Jonah came out , I expected to feel an incredible amount of love for our baby boy and to feel the support of the spirits of our grandparents and great - grandparents who have passed away , and I didn 't feel either of those in the moment . But looking back , I think it was absolutely a spiritual experience , just in a way that I didn 't expect . I have never felt so strong and empowered . I have never been so amazed at and appreciative of my body . I have never felt so much love for my husband . I called Heather on Friday afternoon when we got home from the hospital and talked to her for a couple of hours . I was feeling a little overwhelmed and embarrassed that I hadn 't used the skills that we had practiced . I hardly listened to the Hypnobirthing tracks . I didn 't walk around or change positions that often . I didn 't visualize my perineum opening like a flower or my breath filling a " magnificent balloon . " I definitely felt fear and tension and pain . We didn 't have a chance to talk to the nurses about the kind of experience we wanted . Our Birth Preferences page never even made it out of the backpack . But Heather helped me to realize that my preparation was worth it because we did it ! Michael knew what to do and say to help me . I labored at home for many hours . I was calm ( ish ) during labor and abnormally calm throughout my pregnancy . It happened nearly three years ago , but I still think almost daily about a moment - - it should have been insignificant - - between me and a man slightly older than my dad on the steps of the Administration Building nearly three years ago . I don 't remember what I was doing there , if I was in the process of changing my name or if I was dropping something off there as a favor for my boss , but as I opened the door to leave the building , I saw a man , a professor maybe , heading my way up the steps . I must have been in a pretty good mood because I actually looked up at him as he walked toward me instead of quickly glancing up and looking back down at the concrete as I usually did when I came across anyone on campus . This time , I pressed my lips together and pulled the ends toward my ears and gave him a pathetic excuse for a smile . I don 't remember the look he gave me , but I imagine it to be a kind and friendly smile , and he said a simple phrase before moving past me into the cool building : " It 's okay to smile , " he said . For some reason I needed that verbal permission to look people in the eye and give them a real smile . My original looking - down habit might have come from one too many faces meeting mine with blank stares , simply looking past me . Walking back down the steps of the ASB , though , my habit made a 180 * turn , and I started to look into people 's faces . It became a focus on my walks home - - who could I smile at ? Could I pass the permission to smile on ? I still get people who pretend like I don 't exist ( I 'm sure I do the same sometimes ) , and there are days when I 'm not feeling quite social enough or just a little too stressed and I keep my face angled toward the ground instead . These days come more and more frequently toward the end of a semester . I 'm realizing , though , that looking at the people I cross paths with and giving them a genuine smile that says , " Hi ! " or " I hope you have a good day , " makes me feel better , too . It 's obvious and simple , but it 's easy for me to forget . So now , I 'm telling you : It 's okay to smileAly Davis I plan very effectively . Several of my professors have commented on this habit of mine , and I have been very proud . But in these past couple of weeks I have discovered that planning well and performing well are not the same things . My sweet sister who just had her seventeenth birthday has the best English teacher in the world , at least according to her - - one great enough to inspire her to be an English teacher herself . Every time we get together she tells me that she has a million ideas for her future classroom that she would be happy to share with me . Last Saturday we were shopping for her birthday ( I , of course spent too much , while she got nothing ) when I was telling her about a disaster of a lesson that I had taught the previous day on in - text citations . She said , " Oh , I 'm sure you did better than you thought . " When I told her she had never seen me teach , she reminded me that she had been in my audience when I videoed the lesson I turned in for the English teaching application . Then she laughed . Admittedly , it was not great . I was nervous , I had never taught before , and I was teaching a boring lesson ( that I had done my best to make not - so - boring ) . I hope I have improved . But I still felt a little pain - - I think it 's rooted in my desire to be great at everything I do . It happened again two weeks ago with a lesson on in - text citations , surely not the most exciting topic . I had spent many hours preparing this 40 - minute lesson , and I felt confident that it would go well , with an interesting response to a paragraph about American culture and masculinity that I was sure would spark some sort of debate . The students were bored out of their minds , and I came home defeated once again . It 's scary that after teaching only six lessons in a classroom , I was ready to give up , change my major back to English , maybe not graduate at all . The following Tuesday , though , I got an email from Becky asking if I wanted to come in and teach the lesson again to another class on Thursday . I asked her for revision ideas , and then spent the next two days revamping my original lesson plan , creating another handout and clearer instructions . The second time still did not go as well as I hoped , but the work the students did was noticeably less error - ridden and they were more engaged . Sometimes teaching hurts . Most of the time I 'm not prepared to accept elements of failure . And almost all of the time it 's hard for me to see what I did well . I 've heard it and said it a million times , but we all learn from our failures : it 's our responsibility , duty , opportunity to get back up and try again when we 're given a second chance . As an English Teaching major married to a Chemical Engineering student , I spend a lot of time at home alone , reading , writing lesson plans , and procrastinating papers . One thing I was not expecting when I began to date Michael more seriously was how quickly my relationships with my girl friends would dwindle . Of course , when we finally get together over lunch at Guru 's or Zupa 's or even the Cougar Eat , we talk just the way we used to . It 's the frequency of the talks , one every two or three months , that eats me . Girls , you know there are some things that just aren 't the same when you talk to your significant other about them . Over the past three years , I have handled this seclusion on a scale of crying every night to basking in the peace and quiet . But now the peace and quiet has gone on too long . Something terrifying is happening to me . In high school , I considered myself the good listener - - it was one of my redeeming qualities . I would spend hours driving around American Fork or up the canyon , even up through Alpine , while my friends while they talked about their lives . ( Unless you were Quinci . Dear Quinci , I 'm sorry that I did way more than my fair share of talking without listening . But I am really grateful for you . ) Boys . Girls . School . Drama . Religion . Family . The Past . The Future . I listened to it all , nodding my head , bestowing pieces of sage advice before inviting my dear friend to continue . I loved it because of the connection I felt to those people , because of the love I could feel growing through understanding . It was my identity . I had noticed it before , but last week I finally had an experience that grabbed hold of my backpack and wrenched me around to face the truth . I ran into Jessica at the library as we both dropped off our library books , and she asked me the question . The one that opens the floodgates of my unorganized words upon any unsuspecting individual who I can see actually cares . Two hours after I got home , I seriously had no idea what I was saying to Jessica or why . And honestly , I was shocked by my behavior . Four years ago this would never have happened . Somehow , though , in my lonesomeness , the Me Monster inside has wriggled its way out of its cage . [ If you don 't know the reference , do yourself a favor and watch this clip : ] At least now that I 'm conscious of my narcissistic tendency , I can watch out for the times when the Me Monster escapes - - usually it is preceded by a large assignment that gobbles away the time usually spent on the phone with my mom or unwinding with my husband . Other times , though , I open one thought 's door and it 's lurking in the closet wearing a fang - y grin . I 'm still looking for patterns , so don 't be surprised one day if a Me Monster pounces when you ask a simple question . Posted by I 've got a bruise . You can hardly see it , a light oval stretched across the very top of my hip bone , but it 's still tender to the touch three days following the incident . As soon as it happened , I knew I wanted to write about it , but I 've associated too much embarrassment with it for the past 72 hours to start . Now , though , I 'm feeling a little bit of pride set in . It 's the perfect storm to write my slice of life - - equal amounts of pride and embarrassment . In self defense , we 're still learning some basics a couple of weeks into the semester : separation , hits , kicks , etc . Wednesday , we 're practicing separation with both arms . ( Push off the attackers jaw or hips , then use that momentum to step back with one foot . I 'll teach you sometime , if you want . It 's empowering . ) Our demonstration attackee just went into the MTC that very morning , so the teacher is asking for a volunteer - - " a small volunteer , " pointing at me and several other classmates . Who knows what kind of attack he 'll be demonstrating on me ? He hasn 't gone easy on the girls who have volunteered earlier . I raise my hand , and I can 't help feeling like Katniss as I walk bravely to the front of the room . He immediately picks me up in a fireman 's carry , walking around with me on his shoulder to show the rest of the class what this might look like ( like the picture , there , but neither of us are in fatigues , nor am I a man with a buzz cut , he 's not carrying a machine gun , nor is there smoke in the room ) . He moves my arm from across the front of his chest , around his head , and tells me to push off his face . I do so . The other girls are giggling . Then , he says , " Move your hips side to side and try to get off . Create space between us . " He sets me down , then without much warning , he 's coming at me again . When a man twice my size whom you don 't know very well starts yelling , " Come here , you ! " and starts to pick you up , adrenaline kicks on a little bit ; life 's a bit of a blur . As soon as I 'm over his shoulder , I start throwing my hips back and forth , and within three seconds my hipbone makes serious contact with the side of his head , right around the ear , and he 's on his knees , saying , " Okay , stop . That 's good . " He looks up at me and the rest of the class , which has tightened the circle around him . " She got me good , just about knocked me out . So , this technique is effective , right ? A knocked - out attacker is an easy one to get away from . Find a partner and practice . " You can bet I make profuse apologies , but he laughs it off . Class ends , I 'm tying my tennis shoes , and my teacher walks over . " My ear still hurts , " he says . I try to apologize again , but he stops me , " It 's a compliment ! I have never been hit that hard by a girl in my entire life , never been that close to getting knocked out by a girl . I 'll have to tell all my classes about this . Nobody who knows me is going to mess with you . " He 's been teaching this class and others , like Ju - Jitsu and karate , for fifteen years . And I , the wimpy lightweight , was the first to bring him down . This weekend , Michael and I hung out with two of his sisters and some other friends from their high - school days . Toward the end of our laughter - filled evening at Blue Lemon , Ronnie said , " Aly , I don 't know you very well . I would like to change that , " and started asking me questions . They were hardly deep questions - - mostly , " If you came home and had no homework , what would you do ? " ( Note to self : I need some hobbies other than reading . I couldn 't answer that question . But that 's a post for another time . ) and " Marry , date , or dump : Tom Hiddleston , Chris Evans , and Chris Hemsworth " - - but it got me thinking . At some point I 'm going to have to stop being so worried about offending someone that I can actually get words out of my mouth and start building up the relationships I 've let go of because of my fears . All weekend I found myself nearly asking more personal questions , then holding them back . It 's interesting how questions bring about connections ; both are things I 've been missing . In my Teaching Composition course this semester , one of my professor 's goals is to help us to consider ourselves as writers . Me ? I 'm not a writer . Aside from this blog and the extremely rare journal entry , I don 't think I have written anything aside from school - related assignments since I was in third grade . And school - related writing is like pulling my own teeth out ( even this blog post is yet another attempt at procrastination ; I will avoid writing any type of educational theory paper for as long as possible ) . I 'm pretty positive this needs to change , but I 'm still working on my plan of action . The first step , though , is this . One of our assignments is to write six short Slice of Life essays at some point throughout the semester . It 's for school , yes , but it is much more personal and relatable than Vygotsky , Bandura , or Dewey . At least it 's a start . Before I finally get down to what we 're all really here for , I have to share this quote by William Henry Channing that exemplifies what Slice of Life is all about : To live content with small means ; to seek elegance rather than luxury ; and refinement rather than fashion ; to be worthy , not respectable ; and wealthy , not rich ; to study hard , think quietly , talk gently , act frankly ; to listen to stars and birds , to babes and sages , with open heart ; to bear all cheerfully , do all bravely , await occasion , hurry never ; in a word , to let the spiritual , unbidden and unconscious grow up through the common . This is to be my symphony . I wonder how many common moments like this one , how much of the happiness my life , I have forgotten because I was too tired to write it down in my journal before I went to bed , or I don 't have a picture or video or Facebook post to remind me . I 've probably made the four - hour drive from Provo to Idaho Falls and back a half - dozen times , but this time is different . I 'm a passenger this time , sitting in the middle seat with my husband on one side and my nearly - eighty - year - old grandmother on the other side . Grandma just got a hand - me - down iPad from my aunt , and she 's looking for apps . Oh , have we got the game for her . Dots . " A Game About Connecting , " as the developers call it . If you have any type of smart device , you 've probably played it before , too . ( If you haven 't , don 't start . When you jerk into consciousness three weeks later , you 'll have lost all your friends , no longer be enrolled in school , and be nearly starved to death . ) It 's embarrassing to admit , but for at least four of the eight hours of this trip , we play Dots , passing it to the person on the right every sixty seconds . At about 9 : 00 PM , only two hours to home , Michael decides that it 's time to coach Grandma - - her slow progress and a score of sixty is no longer cutting it for the Dots aficionado . " Red square ! Bottom left ! " I 've lived five houses down the street from my grandma and grandpa for most of my life . But until last night , no one had ever told me my Grandma Gayle 's childhood nickname : Giggles . Posted by |
June 23 , 2013 | slughorn28 Lolita was doing well in school . She had had made two really great friends . Susannah Foss AKA Sus and Tucker Abbott . The three of them were inseparable and where there was one the others weren 't far behind . On the weekends my house was full of teenagers , but it was something I was use to and actually enjoyed . Even little Joab loved having the extra people around ; especially Tucker . Joab was a very sweet and kind boy , but I 'm sure it wasn 't easy being in a household of woman . Sure there was Asher , but as I mentioned before he was losing himself in work and was still talking about another move . " Joab , Honey , it is time to go to bed . " I would call to him after putting the twins to bed . After tucking in my son I would head to my own bedroom to read or work on my blog to allow the teens some privacy . Then at the end of her Sophomore year she told me that she had a friend who was about to graduate and ship out . He had joined the military and was already slotted to head out to the war . She had met him when she was a Freshman and he was a Junior and even though she wasn 't as close with him as Tucker and Sus she still cared for him a lot . I didn 't understand why she was telling me about him and when I expressed my confusion she took me by the hand and lead me into the living room and asked me to sit . Lolita sat down next to me and rubbed the fabric on her pants . " Well that is the thing . He doesn 't have much of a family and his grandma can 't afford it . Donnell 's mom left him with his Grandma when he was two and she never came back to get him . His grandma was already retired , she had kids later in life , and since the day she took him in they have been living only on her retirement which isn 't much . He is such a nice guy , Mom , and I just wanted to give him something to remember when he ships out . " She chewed on her bottom lip waiting for my answer . Really how could I say no to that ? Finding out you were raising a child with such a kind heart was the most wonderful feeling of all . I agreed that we would throw this boy a party , but I had to meet him first . Donnell and I met a few days later and we went over the plans for the party . He was a very grateful young man and it was my pleasure to throw him a party . Donnell 's grandmother , Mimi , was able to make it . She was sick , but she didn 't want to miss out on her grandson 's graduation . After the party Mimi and I became friends and we Lemi 's looked in on her while Donnell was away . He was very grateful to his grandmother for giving him the life she did and it was just refreshing to see such a great family . When they pulled apart her light tone changed . " Be careful out there . Come home safe and make sure you write me . " He agreed and with one last good - bye Donnell Houston left Sunlit Tides to join the troops in war . By the end of the summer they were an official couple . It was something Lolita had to get use too , but she really , truly liked Tucker Abbott and they made a cute couple . It was a story she couldn 't wait to write to her Pen Pal Donnell about . Oh and guess what ? Tucker and I are now dating . He is the sweetest guy . I just can 't believe that I 'm in a relationship . It is such a foreign and wonderful feeling . I just know that when you get home you will find a girl as great as my Tucker and you will know what I am talking about . Well it is hot over here . There isn 't much to do , but we do get some time off . When that happens we hang around camp and play basketball … . or some ping pong . I have found out that I am pretty good at it . Not like Forrest Gump or anything , but I am undefeated in my platoon . The guys I am stationed with are all really great guys . They tell me about their wife 's or girlfriend 's ; some of them have kids and their stories makes me wish I had , had more in Sunlit Tides before I left . It just makes me that much more determined to find someone when I return home . But to be honest is rains a lot here and I find myself just thinking . I think about you and your family . I think about how you are all wonderful people and that you should feel lucky that you are part of such a unique and amazing family . I thought about what you said in your last letter and you are right . I am blessed to have such a great family . Sometimes I feel out if place that mom has so many kids and all with different men , but she and Asher do a great job with us and we are all loved . So thank you for reminding me that my life could be worse . Speaking of my mom 's challenge . She is pregnant with the next baby . The dad is the famous challenge father Aiden Swan . He wasn 't a planned father , but he came into town for business of some kind and looked up my mom . They had met when my sister - in - law Dawn Turner took her to his birthday party . A lot of things had changed . The biggest being that Mimi Houston , Donnell 's grandmother , had passed away . I had brought her to my house so that she could be surrounded by people who loved her and she went peacefully . She is truly missed . We had become really good friends . Aiden and I had twins ; two healthy rambunctious kids . A little girl we called Hewitt and a little boy we call Harcus . It appears they both got my eye and hair color as well as my skin tone , but little Harcus is a witch just like his daddy . Lolita grew into a stunning woman . Her plan , after the summer , was to go to the University with Tucker and Sus . Asher and I agreed to let her stay until the semester started , but then she got some news that rocked her world . " It was injured in a blast and has been in the hospital for the past few weeks . He is healthy enough to return home and you are listed as his contact . Are you able to take him into your home during the rest of his recovery ? " I didn 't hesitate , " Yes . . Yes of course I am . " I knew mom and Asher wouldn 't mind . She and Mimi had been very close so she would help out Donnell if he needed it . When I saw Asher coming up the walk I ran out the door to greet them , but stopped dead in my tracks when I saw him . I was mortified as he was in a wheel chair . I fought the tears back as I helped Asher get him into the house . That summer I spent all of my free time with Donnell . I took him to his physical therapy appointments , to the beach , to lunch and everywhere . I found myself breaking dates with Tucker and the two of us arguing much more then we should , but I had a strong obligation to help Donnell . " I know you do and I know you care for him , but you can 't deny there is something between us Lolita . I love you and I have always loved you . I want you to be with me . Marry me . Have my babies and live a life with me . " December 19 , 2012 | slughorn28 Time moved along like time does and the kids were thriving in their new town . For once the dynamics between two of my children and their father was different from any of my other kids . This was because Raven and Hardy 's dad was in the challenge community . Logan knew the importance of being active in his child 's life and he stopped over often to spend time with his kids . Hardy loved his dad just as much as Raven did , but for some reason Raven had become a daddy 's girl . Anytime Logan walked into the house , no matter what she was doing , she would toddle over to him , reach her little arms out and say , " Daddy , Daddy , pick me up Daddy . " Logan would scoop her up and tickle her making angelic giggles escape her lips . It also amazed me that at such a young age she was obsessed about being a werewolf . Somehow she knew that her dad and brother were different from her and she didn 't seem to like it . Even though I wasn 't different like them and I tried to tell her that she still didn 't seem to be satisfied with that . She would always get upset with me after that and cross her arms over her chest and stick out her bottom lip . " No . . I wanna be woof like Mia . " Mia is her sister on Logan 's side . There was no winning with her so I had to distract her with bacon ice cream , a treat she started liking while visiting her dad and watching the little werewolf kids there eat it . Hardy was becoming a handful . Logan had sat me down and explained that he was a werewolf and that is appears that Hardy had received that trait . He filled me in on how to raise a werewolf child and I had been following all those instructions , but Hardy was still a handful . He was a sweet and caring little boy but he had these tendencies and all at once he would start to flail around and then start shredding things up . It was getting expensive having to replace and fix things . I just hoped that as he aged he would calm down . My three oldest were in school all day and Asher was at work . Logan and Becks had their own lives to tend to and I didn 't know anyone else in town yet . I spent a lot of times with my tot 's watching them and thinking about how fast they grew up . The weather was turning colder and the nights longer and just around the corner was Halloween . Typically it is my favorite holiday of the year , but this year I felt out of sorts and lonely . The triplets had a party to go to and Logan had asked to have the twins and Asher had to work . I agreed to Logan , but the thought of being alone didn 't help the emptiness I felt inside . Halloween was upon me and after Logan picked up the twins I sat down in the kitchen to dive into a carton of ice cream but hung on the refrigerator I saw a note that said : Go up to the bedroom . The note was written in Asher 's script so I decided to see what he had waiting for me . I was sure he had picked up on my mood and decided to try and cheer me up with something . Laying on the bed was the most amazing costume with another note that said : Put me on . I figured that he thought that if I dressed up it would help me cheer up . It was a cute thought and I decided to try it . I put on the costume and headed downstairs to prepare for the trick or treaters and eat that ice cream , but when I went downstairs I was surprised with all of my friends in their own costumes . We had a great time . Becks , Logan and Addy came as zombies , Christy Quinn was a circus performer , My boy Newbie and his wife came as fairy folk and Violet and A . J . came as the 50 's couple . Asher and I were a zombie hunter and victim . I was so impressed and thankful that my husband flew in our friends and family and surprised me with this . It was something I truly needed . " Hardy , my boy you are going to age up today . Are you excited ? " I cooed as I looked into the sweet face of my little boy . " Mom look what I can do . " Weaver called out . I turned just in time to see him do some fancy dive . It almost gave me a heart attack when he came real close to hitting Luna . The triplets turned out stunning . Lavinnia and Luna with their pink skin , like their dad , and Weaver with his grandma Mirid 's skin tone . They were all so different and I was looking forward to getting to know the teenagers they were to become . The night of their birthday was a full moon and poor Hardy couldn 't control changing into his beastly self . I was a bit disappointed that he was unable to control the change , but at least he didn 't tear anything up . I guess that is a good start . Poor Raven . She was still pretty obsessed with becoming a werewolf , but when she saw Hardy change for the first time she fainted over in fright . I 'm really worried about her . I decided that I needed to have a talked with Logan to see if he thought her obsession was natural or not . If he didn 't agree then I would have to look into getting her help . My worries of who the next challenge dad would be was washed away when I got a knock on my door and behind it was Peridot Guppie , the next birthstone dad that had been slotted , asking if I was ready for him . I asked how he had found me and he told me that he reads my blog and saw that I had used Logan Fey as the last dad . He was still eager to join so here he was . Thank you for reading . I want to say thank you to you all . Please let me know what you think either by leaving me a message here of on my facebook page . Ashby Lemi 100100 baby challengeAshbyAsheravatarbabieschallengecreativeEAfictionfunJenniferlegacyLemi ' sRuxSimsStarrStarr Brightthe sims 3 11 September 6 , 2012 | slughorn28 Hi everyone . . yep it is me again Ashby . I am sure you are getting tired of my blog going from first person to third , but Nina ; my good friend and the person who has been writing my blog for some time now , had to go back to her country . She had some family issues she has to take care of . Victor offered to get me another author , but I decided that the rest of the challenge will be written by a Lemi . That being said you will see things written by me and I have given access to all of my kids and they have promised that if there is something to report about them they will log in post it . Not long after Hooper and I started high school I began to have a shadow . A new family , The Falk 's , had moved into town and their boy , Brighton , began following me around . At first I found it kind of creepy to see him outside of my classes and at my locker at any given time during the day , but then he started to become sort of sweet when he would offer to carry my books and open doors for me . I never let him carry my books but it was sweet . About three weeks after school started he and his sister , Yusun , announced they were having a party . They randomly handed out invites , but he asked me personally . He told me that he wanted to get to know me better and that is why they were having this party . I told him I would think about going and it seemed to make him happy . I found myself intrigued because I heard that the Falk 's lived on a house boat . It was rumored that Mr . Falk traveled around the world for his job and living on a boat allowed them to be mobile . I wasn 't prepared to go on my own so I con 'd Hooper into going with me . We showed up at 2 and we were taken back . Brighton was standing on the deck waiting for us . I couldn 't believe that they really lived on a houseboat . He quickly ran down to great us . He shook Hooper 's hand and threw his arm around my shoulders . I was surprised with myself when I didn 't push it away . It felt kind of nice . He slowly guided me to the boat as he talked about the fun day we were going to have . I found myself smiling up at this handsome face . It was a very strange sensation . He gave Hooper and I a tour of the boathouse as some of our classmates began to show up . Yusun was a gracious host and greeted them . After everyone arrived we had lunch , and what a spread they had . It was buffet style and we had so much to choose from . Then without warning Brighton swept me into his arms and held me close . He didn 't care who was watching or what people thought . He held me tightly in his arms for two songs , and when the second song was over he asked me to go on a walk with him and I agreed . We found a beautiful spot with grass , not sand , and we both sat down . He pulled me against him and I found myself quite comfortable listening to his heart beat against his chest . He rubbed my back and I smiled widely . " Leven , I really like you . Will you be my girlfriend ? " Brighton sprung the question on me and I sat up and looked at him with a puzzled expression . I didn 't know what to say and I just stared at him . He chuckled lifting his hand to my check . He rubbed his thumb over my cheek and I shivered with excitement . I couldn 't deny that Brighton made me blush . " I … I … can I let you know at school on Monday ? " I stammered like a true awkward teenager . That evening as the sun sank into the ground Brighton walked me out and I received my very first kiss . The butterflies consumed me as his lips brushed up against mine and cold when his hands ran up my arms . My knees were weak as he pulled me closer to him and then it was over . It was over way to soon . I found myself wanting to answer his earlier question right then and there , but I felt I had to live up to my promise of Monday . As I walked toward that car that would take Hooper and I hope I heard my brother snicker in his seat . " Shut up . " I hissed but I couldn 't wipe the smile off my face . I didn 't hear from Brighton on Sunday , but I didn 't mind . I wasn 't the typical high school girl who got upset over things like that , but I was eager for Monday to come so that I could find him , throw myself into his arms and tell him I would be his girl . However , my Monday plans were ruin when I got to school and neither Brighton or Yusun could be found . I was told that their father lifted anchor and took his family to the next business destination . It hurt my heart to watch my daughter mope around the house . I told her that things would be better and that everyone goes through a broken heart at some point in their life , but all I got was a blank stare as I talked . I knew that going though heart - break while being young it feels like the end of the world and I knew she would eventual get over it , but that didn 't stop me from trying to make my baby - girl feel better . When he and his twin Seely aged into children I offered , as I do to all my children , to send them to a specialty boarding school if they would like . Seely , as all my other children had before him , opted to stay home and be with me and our family , but Jones , to my surprise , took me up on my offer . He told me he had already done some research and wanted to be sent to a specialty school in Hidden Springs . I was shocked and my first instinct was to tell him he couldn 't go ; that he couldn 't leave me , but Asher saved me , as he always does , from that embarrassment . I was like a visible shadow in the house that night . I followed Jones everywhere . After the movie was over Hooper , who had been working out during the movie , read Jones their favorite story and with a tear in his eye kissed him on his head before leaving the room . As Hooper moved passed me I put a reassuring hand on his shoulder . He smiled up at me and left the room . Jones flight wasn 't until the next evening so we all had some more quality time with him . We played games and watched old home movies and ate all of Jones ' favorite junk foods and as afternoon faded to evening we heard the cab horn honk in our driveway and the whole family froze in terror . All but Jones that was . He ran to the door and grabbed his suitcase . " Come on guys . . I have to go . " He called . " I 'm going to miss you too . " He wiped the tear that slipped down my face . " But there is email , Skype and the phone . I will only be gone in distance . " I missed my child but he lived up to his word . As soon as he got to school I got a phone call from him and then every day after I either got a call , email or we arranged to skype so I could see how well he was doing , and doing well he was . After two weeks went by we all started to get back to normal and it was time for another Lemi birthday . The kids , especially Barklay , hated school and when summer rolled around they we so very excited to have three months off and to meet their big brother and his fiancée Newbie and Dawn . Since she could read Tyme had been reading Dawn 's blog and she thought it was so cool that her brother was in it . I asked her once if she thought it was cool that she was talked about in my blog and this is what she said . " Mom , " In a very sarcastic child like tone I should add , " Your blog doesn 't get as much traffic or has as many fans as Ms . Dawn 's does . " She rolled her eyes at me and sauntered off . Gosh I love my kids . " Hi mom . " He couldn 't hide his laugh as we released each other . I know we just skyped the night before to make sure everything was in order , but it isn 't the same as seeing your loved one in person and holding them and hugging them . " We know how much you admire the rainbow cats and there are none here on the island so we brought you a breeding pair . " Dawn was so proud of herself . " So meet Hazel and Fire . " " Leven , my dear why are you so sad ? " I watched Dawn and Leven from the top of the stairs . Gosh you must all think I 'm a creeper , but you know what ? My house my rules 😉 " Of course Leven , before I fell for your brother I was in love with a man named Lerk . I thought he was the one for me and when we parted it was devastating . Why do you ask ? " Dawn had all the right words for the young Leven and by the end of the conversation they were both laughing . Sometimes a mother 's word is not taken , but the same words from a friend go a long way . I am not sure that Leven is completely over her loss , but talking to Dawn sure did help . Many mornings Dawn and I would go out in the back , by the little pond we have , and do some yoga . The children were sleeping late and the men were watching some brainless man show and we just enjoyed the quite . The chipping of the birds , the crock of the frogs and the splashing of the fish , it was quite relaxing . " Yes ! " She blurted out . " I have no idea why either . I love Newbie and we already live together why would the marriage make me nervous ? " I looked at Dawn and we both laughed . " I don 't get him . He is the one who owns his own restaurant and teaches cooking and I am the one who has to make breakfast . " I rolled my eyes and we got out of the pond and headed toward the house . Then I took him to the local bar and grill for some lunch . Our conversations were filled with guy stuff like sports , our women and food . It was a great bonding moment for us . Newbie may not be my child , but I love all Ashby 's children as if they were my own . After we ate we headed upstairs to play a little shuffle board . I decided that this was the time to bring up his impending marriage . I cleared my throat and began . " So Newbie , are you nervous about the wedding night . " I knew he caught my drift by the look on his face . I knew he meant it in the most respectful way and he was right I 'm not his dad , but the words still hurt . Ashby has 48 ( 49 counting Derrick ) children and only five of them were mine . It is hard to in a relationship like that . I just wanted all her kids to be mine and to love me as if I were their father , but it just isn 't possible . " I 'm sorry if I over stepped . I just thought since your father is an angel and he wasn 't around when you were growing up I could try to help in some way . " I was trying to hide the hurt expression on my face , but I think I failed at it . Newbie 's face sank and he moved toward placing his hand on my shoulder . " Asher , you are a great man . You take care of my mom , love her and understand her challenge when most men wouldn 't . You love all of us as if we were yours and we love and respect you back . I would be proud to be your son , but we all have fathers . " His words were precious to me . His mother really did raise him right . I wipe a single tear from my eye and smile at the lad before me . The kids were especially excited for this . We all watched as the younger ones played some skeet ball . Seely was the winner of this game . As I watched my kids I couldn 't help but worry about Seely and Jones being separated , but was glad that Fern , Tyme and Barklay included him in almost everything they did . I walked over to the loving couple and Newbie threw his arm around me . " 1 … 2 … 3 … " Asher called and snapped this picture . FYI Dawn is not preggo … . it is just the material on her shirt and the angle of the camera . I sighed and looked into his face . I never had enough time with my kids ever . Not growing up and not when they visit . " Okay but first can we get a family picture ? " Remember this guy ? This is Linen Pearl . He was the next guy in line for my challenge and he ran right over when I called him . We headed to the hospital and soon I was pregnant with baby 49 . During my pregnancy Leven and Hooper aged up and moved out of the house . What lovely young adults they were . Leven with her grandma 's hair coloring and my skin tone and eye coloring and Hopper with his dads hair and skin coloring and my eye coloring , gosh they are going to do well in whatever they do . When the kids went back to school I decided to do some " spring " cleaning if you will . I had boxes that I inherited after my parents died that I had never sorted through and though this pregnancy would be a good time do this . What I found was priceless and brought tears to my eyes . hahaha Mom you are too cute . What are you trying to seduce dad when you are about ready to give birth ? I 'm not sure I would appreciate that . HAHAHHA Can you all believe it ? I am now at the halfway mark . I am so excited . This is amazing . Thank you all for being a long on this ride . I love you all . Again as always thank you all for reading and I would love to hear what you have to say about the challenge . Feedback , even bad ( but not Hateful ) , is welcome . You can leave me a message here or on my Facebook page at Ashby Lemi . After Jones and Seely were born Ashby found herself in another lull in her challenge . She was in no hurry to contact Ao Emerald , the next father in the challenge , and get on with it . She wanted to enjoy her boys and her family , but she find it difficult to do when Asher seemed to be M . I . A . all of a sudden . Right before the birth of the latest twins he had started to go out of town for work . First it was a day or two and then right after the birth it became weeks . Then one day he came home from one of his trips with a surprise . " Asher , I 'm so glad you are home . " Ashby snaked her arms around her husband 's neck . The day had been long and rough . The boys had been fussy all day , Leven and Hooper had gotten in a scuffle with some kids from school and Orchid and Dutton were being typical teenagers and refused to help out around the house . Ashby 's hands went to her mouth and awe . " That is wonderful darling . I 'm so proud of you . " As the waiter placed their treats in front of them realization washed over her . " But won 't that mean … . . " " Asher that is a lot to ask . It doesn 't just affect me , but the kids and the future of my 100 baby challenge . " Ashby pushed her chocolate cake away from her . She had lost her appetite for something sweet . " I know it is , but I really want this . It is a great opportunity and this place has a lot of tourists that come through here that will give you more options for your challenge . I 've given a lot up to support you with your challenge . Please just think about doing this for me . " The two of them didn 't at all on the way back to their hotel and when they got there the kids were fast asleep with all the suit cases packed . The next morning Asher and Ashby sat the kids down and asked them what they thought of moving . Orchid , who had fallen in love with Areca Islands , voted to stay along with Hooper . Dutton was unsure and Leven , who had a best friend back home wanted to go back to Sunset Valley . The family flew back to Sunset Valley , after many days of fighting and discussing it was decided that the Lemi family would relocated to Areca Islands and Asher would take on the new job opportunity . While the other kids were at their first day of school Ashby witnessed her babies age up into fine children . These two boys turned out cute as a button with Seely getting his dad 's hair coloring and Jones with his Grandpa Lawrence 's . It seems to me that another one of Ashby 's boys had the same color and look to his hair as Jones . Newbie Starr - Bright to mention a name . Ashby had aged them up in the morning so that she could spend the day with them before they too went off to school and she would be alone . She took them to the grand park and the boys had an awesome time . Ashby had brought her camera and made sure to capture their time together . Three weeks past and the kids were doing well in school . Orchid and Dutton seemed to be getting along well with a group of kids , who were all fostered by the same couple , in their class . Hooper and Leven were pulling great grade and Jones and Seely were popular amongst the Island 's children . One day as she was exploring and taking pictures of one of the parks she heard giggling from a nearby park bench . She whirled around to see a couple , who look so much in love , sitting on the bench . She tried to excuse herself but the woman yelled out to her . " I 'm a big fan of your blog . I run the local foster home here on the Island and your blog has helped me in accepting each child into my home . " She stood from the bench and forced herself into Ashby 's arms for a big hug . " Oh I am so sorry . My name is Summer Eason and this my boyfriend Franklin Velasco . " You must think I am crazy lunging at you like that . They spent the day at the beach and soon they were great friends . For the first time in a long time Ashby finally felt connected . She finally felt that she could survive in Areca Islands . She still missed her friends terribly , but spending time with Summer helped that void . It felt good for her to have a friend again , someone to have coffee with and someone to go shopping with . Friends are important and they are very much needed . You don 't always have to have a brood of them , but one goes a long way . While the Volley Ball game was going on Dutton took the opportunity to stand on the side lines with Daisy . He was a little confused and excited when she leaded up against him and allowed him to kiss her bare shoulder . He was falling hard for this girl and she was making it very easy for him . JohnPaul felt a little uncomfortable , but just tired to focus on cheering about the game . " I think they are cute . " Kia Lyons , who was not part of the group home , but a local girl that hung out with them , said . She smiled at Orchid and stood up . Come on Rod and JohnPaul are getting ready to have a climbing race . I want to go watch . " She grabbed Orchid 's hand and pulled her from the blanket . " Come on Rod . " Leilani 's was upset that he was losing . She had , had a crush on him since she moved to the group home but he never paid her any attention . She thought that if she showed interest that someday he would take notice . Dutton took them and went to the edge of the water . Leaning down he lit them and backed up quickly . The fireworks were beautiful , but what Dutton didn 't know is that they were illegal on the beach and Officer Peralta rounded the beach every weekend at that time . Dutton was handcuffed and Orchid begged the officer not to take him . She tried to tell him that they didn 't know it was illegal , but the officer wouldn 't listen . When Orchid heard Leilani laughing behind them she knew that she had set up her brother , and she was angry . " Come on Orchid she isn 't worth it . I will take you home . " He drug her away from the group and they walked to his car . Sighing Ashby took his face in her hands and kissed his forehead . " Honey , there will always be people that have to put others down to make them feel good . You just need to stay a good person and not associate yourself with those kinds of people . " " And I wouldn 't jump to conclusions about that other girl . " Ashby called behind her as she headed to answer the front door . " Dutton it is for you . " " First of all I want you to know that I really do like you . I want to get to know you better and I want us to be more then friends . Leilani is a bully and she makes my life hell if I don 't go along with her . I hate it , but it is better to do what she says then take what she dishes out . I really hope you can forgive me . " For several minutes Dutton just stood there looking at her and finally he said , " I don 't know Daisy . I guess I just need time . " He turned and went back into the house leaving a heartbroken Daisy on the porch . It 's time for a change . Ashby went to the local salon and had her hair colored drastically . She really liked it . How about you ? What do you think ? " Ao . Ao Emerald ? What on earth are you doing here ? " Ashby was surprised to see the next scheduled father in her challenge here on Areca Island . Ashby threw herself into the man 's arms . " Oh Ao thank you so much . " She was so excited at the prospect of continuing her challenge that she dragged him to the hospital right then and there . They were told that they could get an appointment in a week 's time . Ao was okay with staying that long and Ashby was over the moon . Thick as thieves Hooper and Leven aged up so well . These two are going to be interesting to follow for one cannot do without the other . Leven is smart and outspoken but she could not be as brave as she is without Hooper 's encouragement and quite soft spoken could not be as into his music without Leven telling him it was okay to be a little withdrawn for the sake of his music . I for one can 't wait to see what these two have in store for us . Orchid and Dutton said their good - byes and headed off for their new lives . Before she left Orchid told her mother that she had sent in an application to be on a T . V . series and she was accepted to be in We All Love Luke . Ashby new her little girl would be incredible and promised that she and the family would tune in every week once it started . Dutton did forgive Daisy and he went straight to her house and swept her off her feet . They eloped several days later when she aged up into a Y . A . Leven made a best friend rather quickly after starting high school . Everyone meet the lovely Graciela Whitmore . I am sure you will see her face around the Lemi 's quite often , and yes she is a sweet as she looks . There is mask with this sim . Everyone meet the Emerald - Lemi triplets . From left to right we have Fern , Tyme and Little Barklay . These three cuties will fit nicely with the Lemi 's . Yes folks not only did the Lemi 's add three new babies , but another pet . Meet Caesar . Asher missed JackRabbit so badly that he adopted this noble steed from a family that was moving from the island to the big city . Caesar is making himself quite comfortable in the Lemi home . Looks like Asher is quite happy . . Ride Um Cowboy … * giggle * And finally one day she went over to his house to break up with him . O ' Deen didn 't like this much and a huge fight occurred and ended with Leslie storming out of his house . She had hoped they could remain friends , but that didn 't happen . O ' Deen found himself at the gym all the time . He liked being fit but they didn 't talk about anything other than work outs and healthy food and physical affection was an illusion . Soon O ' Deen just stopped calling her and she didn 't seem to mind . The last gal he tried to have a relationship with was Bertha Doe . She was a smart gal who loved the library . Every time O ' Deen tried to kiss his gal she would pull away . He figure she was just shy or something like that , but two weeks after they started dating he went looking for her . He couldn 't find her at her house , or the coffee shop they frequented so he went looking for her at the library and caught her making out with someone else there . He was devastated . Ashby tried to calm him , to tell him that this is just high school and when he grows up he will meet more mature women and have better luck in the love department . She told him how handsome he was and any girl would be lucky to have him , but he just didn 't believe her . As soon as she would sit down in the sand with the twins the younger set of twins would toddle behind her . " I wanna pway . " Leven would squeal as Hooper crawled into Ashby 's lap . " We want to play with you mommy . " Orchid would howl . She wasn 't taking it well that there were younger " babies " in the house . The Aquamarine twins also loved books and Ashby found herself reading to them a lot . She loved this time with the babies and just knew that this would enrich their lives . Perhaps one will grow up to be a professor , or a scholar or well anything they want to be . This time around Asher really hadn 't bonded with any of the children the household . Oh don 't get me wrong he loved them all and they loved him , but the four youngest were momma 's kids and O ' Deen had decided that his best friends were the dogs so he found himself with some spare time . In that spare time he decided to take up gold . Asher , who has always supported her spending time with her kids , agreed take care of the house hold the upcoming Saturday . Ashby sat down the kids and told them that she was taking a day and that Asher was in charge . None of them were happy about this , but Ashby knew in her heart they would behave . Quinn had explained to Ashby over the phone that his company , oh I should take the time right to tell you that Quinn is an architect , had built a horse and dog race track in Sunset Valley and he and Newbie wanted to take her to the grand opening . He told Ashby that there would be several familiar faces there and he wouldn 't take no for an answer . Two days after she got off the phone she got a postcard in the mail with an appointment for a dress fitting for the Friday before . Her boys had went in together and ordered her a fancy dress for the event . Ashby woke up early in the next morning and put breakfast on for her family . When they were done eating she changed into her new dress and waited for her ride . When she heard the limo honking for her she squealed like a little girl , kissed Asher and the kids headed out for her day . When her car pulled up to her destination she gasped out loud . The place was beautiful and she was so proud that one of her sons was the lead architect on the project . She couldn 't wait to see her boys and find out who else has been invited to the event . She opened the car door and was greeted by a large , friendly hand and soon found herself hugging a beaming Quinn . She kissed him on his cheek and then moved to hug her son Newbie . She was so happy they were in town . " Come on let your mom be the proud mother she is . " She slide her arm in his . " Will you take a picture with your ole ' Godmother ? " Ashby got this cute picture by the marble fountain . Awe what is this I see . Quinn making the love of his mother and Godmother know . He is such a sweet boy . After Ashby took this picture she was rushed by the other special guests . The other guests in attendance were Violet Newbie , Dawn Turner , Addy McKnight , Her and Asher 's first son Derrick and she was introduced to Newbie 's girlfriend Breeze Roman . Ashby felt like a kid in a candy store surrounded by so many people she loved . " Oh I am going to stop at this gift shop . " Ashby broke from the group and wandered away with Addy on her heels . She had spotted a cute little shirt that would be perfect for her Ivy . " Breeze you come with Quinn , Christy and I . We would like to get to know you better my dear . " Violet grabbed Breeze 's hand and they wandered toward the lounge area . Dawn and Newbie found themselves alone . Not thinking much of it Newbie reached over and grabbed her hand as they walked . As they walked a horse , named Cobalt , followed along the fence trying to get their attention . " Newbie , I wouldn 't put myself in danger . The horse just wants his neck rubbed . " She rolled her eyes at him and he let her go . Newbie laughed along with Dawn , but he wasn 't sure it was a laughing matter . His was left wanting that would be kiss , but also with an abundance of guilt because someone close by was his girlfriend . " I should go find Breeze . " He muttered and walked away . Newbie had asked one of the Jockeys if he and Breeze could get a picture on his horse . Newbie wanted to know how it felt to be on the back of a horse and frankly he enjoyed it and started thinking about perhaps purchasing one in the future , perhaps when he settles down in his forever home . As much as he loved his brother , Quinn , he didn 't plan on living with him forever . She assured the group they would catch up and she took Newbie 's arm . " What 's the matter dear ? " Ashby asked in her best mom voice . Reaching his arm up to scratch the back of his neck he lets out his conflict . " Feelings that I shouldn 't have about Dawn . She is my best friend and I care about Breeze and dating her , but lately I have been getting jealous in regards to Dawn and even thought about kissing her . " Ashby let out a soft chuckle and leaned her head against his shoulder . " Son , I can 't tell you what to do with those feelings , but what I can say is life happens the way it should and whatever is to come don 't fight it . This situation could result in hurt feelings , but no matter what happens just listen to your heart . Make sure you are happy and if hurt feelings should come about make sure you do it as gently as you can . " Challenge mom 's Dawn Turner , Violet Newbie , Ashby Lemi , Christy Quinn and Addy McKnight had a wonderful time at the track that day . They relished spending time good friends and the short break from their kids . It was a great day ! " Mama , Mama … " Hooper spotted his mom , nudged the sleeping Sake off his foot and waddled to where she stood . Ashby swept him into her arms . First up the eldest in the household , O ' Deen . What a handsome young adult he is . I am sure his luck will change when he moves forward , don 't you ? The day before the new little ones arrived Ashby had an amazing thing happen to her . She was watching a deer run in the field across from her home and decided to try to get closer . The deer actually let her pet him . It was truly beautiful . And I introduce you to Jones ( named after Kira Teagan Jones ) and Seely White - Birch Lemi . Gosh these little boys are too cute for words . What do you think ? Thank you as always for reading . I hope this post wasn 't too all over the place . Please let me know what you think . I would love feedback and you can leave that here or find me on Facebook under Ashby Lemi . O ' Deen was a very needy baby , but smart as a whip . Ashby had never before had such a needy baby before . She was very thankful when he learned his skills rather quickly and she was able to age him up . " Oh alright squirt . " Cindi - Lou would say with a smile and they would pick out a book and head to bedroom . Song would get her pj 's on and snuggle down into bed and Cindi - Lou would read her story to her with animated text . " Honey , it isn 't that she doesn 't like you . Sometimes people just don 't have the same interests and they find they get along better with certain people . " Ashby wasn 't sure what was going on with her girls , but she couldn 't let Rue walk around thinking she was hated . " Come here baby . " Ashby swept the girl into her arms . " You are loved baby girl . Don 't you ever forget that . " She kissed her on her forehead . " You and Song will find your way to each other , but the time just isn 't now . " " Dad , " Many of Ashby 's kids called Asher dad even though they were never told they had to . " I was wondering what you were doing today ? Would you like to hang out ? " He asked one sunny Saturday afternoon . Meet the Dudley family . They are a bunch of fun , silly people . The Dudley family became very close with the Lemi family , but especially the twin boys Zeke and Zion . Scrooge on the other hand wasn 't into girls or making a lot of friends . He wanted to learn music . After school and homework he would convince Ashby to play the guitar with him and whenever the karaoke machine was available he got O ' Deen to sing with him . Even though the party was mostly family Song and Rue 's dad Don Turner attended . He was quite shocked that his girls were already teenagers . Look at these two girls . They have the right combination of Don and Ashby don 't you think ? Asher even took some time to spend with his brother A . J . When you get the two Lemi boys together you never know what will happen . They had planned to go fishing , but instead decided to go rock climbing and without the proper equipment . Luckily they made it safe and sound and spent several hours up there just talking about life and rehashing the past . They even talked about their dearly departed friend Connery Bright . The boys missed him terribly and Asher found it hard to bring him up to Ashby . So it was good to have some brother time . It was an opportunity of a life time , filled with hopes , dreams , friends and even romance . The trip was planned for the students to learn about the French culture and they had several assignments they had to do in regards to what they learned . The girls were excited . Perkins Smith was a ladies ' man , or at least in his mind he was , and had decided on the plane ride that he was going to get with Rue Lemi . He had been watching from a far for a while and just knew he had a chance with her . He waited till they went on their first tour to make his move . " What a Bitch ! " Perkins was put off by Rue 's behavior . " Oh well her sister is kind of hot . I bet she would be into me . " Another boy in the group also found himself volunteering to be Rue 's partner . The day that Perkins hit on her she had run out of the museum trying to keep back tears of shame . She had never had a boy treat her with such disrespect before and she didn 't know how to handle it . Her father , Don , her step father Asher nor any of her brothers behaved like Perkins and her mother had never prepared her for it . She wasn 't looking where she was going and she literally ran right into Peeta Young . " Are you okay Rue ? " He asked patting her back when she pushed up against him and wrapped her arm around him . She just wanted to feel comfort . When Song and Rue were in France Ashby gave birth to babies 40 and 41 Multi - Gender twins . Meet Little Orchid Eggplant Lemi . How cute is she ? She has her mother 's hair and skin coloring and her dad 's eyes . Song threw herself off the bed and grabbed his waist bringing them both to the ground . Perkins twists to face her and took a hold of her hands . " Ggggirlll . " He said in a wicked voice and pulled her to her feet . " Listen to me girlie . In France I wanted your sister not you , but she refused me so you did in a pinch . Cassidy has been my girlfriend since before France and that is the way it is going to stay . Do you hear me ! " Pushing him away from her she stated screaming at him . " Get out . Get out of my house and stay away from me and my sister . Rue was right you are a disgusting pig . " Rue 's relationship with Peeta was changing as well . They had , had such a great time in France , but when they got back they found it hard to find things to talk about . Rue still loved being kissed by him , but she wasn 't as comfortable with him as she had once been and she wasn 't sure what was going on . A week later he took her to the local teen hangout for a date . They had a great time playing skeet ball and pool , but when night began Peeta began feeling amorous . He pulled her over to the couch for a teenage make out session , but when his lips found her Rue felt nothing . After Rue walked away from the heartbroken Peeta he aged himself up and left Sunset Valley . The only thing he left behind was a text message to Rue that said : " Rue if you ever cared about me at all please don 't tell my mom what happened between us . I have left Sunset Valley for good and I don 't want anyone to follow . Peeta . " The next day Ms . Young called Rue in a panic looking for Peeta . Rue had cared for Peeta and she did as she was asked and lied . She told Ms . Young that she didn 't know where he was and last she saw him was outside the hang up after their date . Ms . Young began frantically calling all of his friends after that . A few days passed and Rue 's heart was breaking . It was breaking for having to lie to Ms . Young , it was breaking for having to hurt Peeta and most of all it was breaking because now that he was gone she missed him like crazy . She was beginning to doubt her decision to break up with him . Rue found herself at the park seeking solitude when Song found her . " There , there , little sister . It will be okay . " She Hugged her sister tightly . " You can 't beat yourself up because you wanted to be happy . " " That 's it Song I don 't know if I made the right choice . Now that he is gone my heart aches for him and I miss him . " Rue admitted out loud for the first time . Song spun her around and wiped the tears from her face . " Rue , whatever is going to happen will happen . You can 't stop life from happening nor can you stop making choices . Some of those choices are going to be good and some will be back . Some you will learn from and others will just make you happy . If you and Peeta are meant to be then the two of your will find each other again . For now Rue Turner Lemi you need to dry those tears and move on with your life . " " That is true dear sister , but we will be fine . We finally have each other , we have a wonderful mom who loves us . We have several brothers and sisters who will always be there for us and a Step - Father that has loved us as if we were his own since the day we were born . On top of all this our father is Dawn Turner 's cousin . I think that will all that support behind us we will be fine . " The always optimistic Song pointed out . As fresh tears stain Rue 's face again Ashby pulls her into her arms , and much like when she was a little girl and fretting over Song she comforted her . She kissed the top of her head and said , " Honey , heartache is part of life . It is part of what makes a person well round . Learn from it , nurture it , but don 't dwell on it . " At the time she had the bonding moment with Rue Ashby was well on her way to bring babies 41 and 42 into the world . The Father … you remember this guy , right ? Caribbean Aquamarine . Rue and Song Turner Lemi . Look at these stunning girls . They grew up so well and with their own styles and personalities , but most of they have finally become each other 's best friend . Thank you as always for reading . I want to mention that I know Christy Quinn has taken a different direction with her blog / story , but I just couldn 't take her out of my game . She is one of Ashby 's bff 's so stay tuned to see differences between her blog and mine . Also I am not sure the relationship status of James in her game , but mine put him and Simi together and I thought it was cute so I wanted to keep it that way in mine . Soon after Song and Rue were born Asher was visiting Capri and Carter . They knew how much he missed Jackrabbit and their dog had a litter of puppies . Let 's just say that the girls turned on their " but daddy " look and Asher came home with the Lemi 's second puppy Sake . Look at these two I think Sassy and Sake are going to be the best of friends . However the one that Ashby had a hard time dragging away from the machine was Scrooge . Is there a singer in the making ? His LTW has nothing to do with singing . How will this all go down ? He would get ready for bed and then sneak back outside for one more song . Song couldn 't resist joining him to dance around . Ashby had to break down and buy one of their own . Cindi - Lou and Song soon became great friends . You couldn 't find one without the other . Rue would look at the two of them and think to herself , " Aren 't I Song 's Twin ? Cindi - Lou already had two siblings of her own . " Rue just didn 't understand how Song and Cindi - Lou bonded . Song was making friends all over the house . When she wasn 't found playing with Cindi - Lou she was playing with her other best friend Sake . She and that dog were inseparable . I can 't even imagine how it will affect little Sake when Song ages up someday and moves out . Now who is this guy you may be asking ? Well let me tell you . This is Cooper and he was once an imaginary friend . How is that possible you may ask , well let me tell you . It was close to prom and Bay , who had become really great friends with her cousin Wing Angel , was dateless . Wing was very popular with her exotic looks and her sweet personality and had may suitors . She was actually going with two boys to prom , now before you think badly of the girl just know the three of them were going as friends and nothing more . No matter how hard Bay tried everyone either didn 't want to go to prom or already had dates . She was becoming hopeless and almost didn 't go , but then a great idea hit her . Ashby stared at her daughter in disbelieve . When she doesn 't say anything Bay continues . " I know it will be another mouth to feed and it will make your challenge standstill , but it won 't be for long because soon after prom I will be aging up to move out and I will take with me . Please mom … . I just * chokes * can 't go to prom without a date . " The look on Bay 's face broke her mother 's heart . Bay never asked for anything really so how could Ashby say no to her one big request . She knew her beautiful daughter would be moving on soon and she always wanted to make her children happy . " Now Bay I want to say that I have taught you better than this . It shouldn 't matter what other Sims think of you only what you think of yourself . I want you to remember that . " Then the big day had arrived . Cooper and Bay dressed in red , the theme of the prom was " Our Hearts Will Go On " . Cheesy I know but they liked it . In the week they had together before prom the two took swing lessons and they showed off all their great moves together . These too really seemed like they were made for each other . They were completely in sync with each other . Since Bay and Cooper were leaving early the next morning for their new home Ashby insisted getting her " Good - bye " picture at the party . What do you think ? Does Bay resemble her mother or do you think she got more of James ' look ? " Play that funky music white boy . " Scrooge grew up with music still in his blood . His instrument of choice , just like his mom , was her old electric guitar . He has inherited a unique look . He got a lot of his dad 's features with his mom 's eye coloring . What do you think of Scrooge 's look ? Marlie , Marlie , Marlie … . what a pretty girl you turned out to be . She got her grandma 's hair coloring and she loves the outdoors . She is super sweet and a joy to have around even with her slob trait . These three are Ashby 's third set of triplets . The frist one being Simi / Stella / Sunshine and the 2nd her first set of Christmas triples Kemper / Kole / Kenyon . Love to see how different these three are . Song and Cindi - Lou were still close , but the age gap finally bridged and it was different when they hung out and soon it became less and less . However , with this change in Song 's life she didn 't run to Rue like Rue had hopped , but spent more time with Sake and her friends at school . Poor Rue could not figure out why her twin didn 't want to spend time with her , but she held her head high and found other things to occupy her time . To see Stella ( baby 5 ) and Hannah ( baby 2 ) singing a duet together . It warmed Ashby 's heart to see two of her children spending time together . She and Carter stood there , with Ashby 's around Carter 's waist , watching the girls sing until the song was over . Afterwards they all had lunch together and Stella told Ashby about the mechanical bull on the second floor . Ashby , who has the adventurous trait , decided she must check it out . After she was thrown from the bull she approached the bar for something to ease her pain . While sitting there the bartender made a comment about how limber she was and that she should try out the new profession that opened up for sims . Ashby inquired about this new job and was told that she could be an Acrobat if she worked real hard . And here is her new work attire for now . You start out this career as a mime . She looks pretty confused hear , but I have faith she will figure it out . One day Ashby had a knock on her door and when she opened it she was greeted by these three men . The man in the middle is Russett Garnet , the guy on the left is Amethyst Eggplant and the one of the right is Caribbean Aquamarine . They explained they were part of a group called the Birthday Brothers . There are 12 members all the same color as the birthstone of the month they were born in and all 12 had the name of their birthstone in their name . They wanted to be in her challenge . They knew that if she agreed it would be a lot of " catching " up because it was March already and all 12 wanted to participate . Soon after Journey and her girlfriend moved out drama started to happen . As Ashby predicted Sami wasn 't as committed to Journey as Journey was to her and within months found herself pregnant . She never did tell Journey who the father was and all they did was fight . Journey calls her mom and goes to her house often but refuses to leave Sami she desperately wants to work it out . Sami had twins Conrad and Bertha . Finally Little O ' Deen Garnet Lemi joined the Lemi family . And Asher came home . These two love each other so much . If the world only knew ……… . Thank you as always for reading . Your interest keeps me going . I appreciate all of you . Please I would love to hear what you have to say . Leave me a message here or on FB at Ashby Lemi . Pierson Baby ChallengeDrowning In ColorA Berry Sweet Famacybuttonsginger . wordpress . com / Taking ChancesBlaine Hawkins ' 100 Wee - OnesSims 3 100 Baby ChallengeRises In The EastA LegacyThe Journey LegacyA Random Legacy Challenge in the Sims 3 that will span 10 generations . differenta backwards rainbowcy . . . toomuchcolor . wordpress . com / Too Much Color , Too Little TimeLook After You " I 'm an angel ( bored like hell ) and you 're a devil ( meaning well ) . Bare your fangs and burn my wings ; I hear bullets singin ' . " Lilly in the WindI 've walked the longest road , so don 't fail me now feet , don 't fail me now . Fire & IceMeet the McCray family . . . BoundThere is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable . ~ Mark TwainA Woeful Lotus " Immortality isn 't punishment enough for what I have done . 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Bruce stared at the doors of the high school as other students passed him by . He hadn 't been in a school for over 8 months and hoped this time , things would be better . With a sigh , he unfolded the schedule in his hands and looked it over . Tony said they 'd have a class together , but he never found out which one because , as usual , Tony changed the subject . He hoped it was more than just the one . He 'd never gone to a school where the classes were divided up by the days , and despite being a sophomore , starting a new school was always … well , awkward . Looking over the list , he had three classes for the day - someone bumped him as they passed and Bruce stumbled forward as he caught a flash of red hair and a familiar smirk . Natasha kept walking , Clint at her side as Bruce chuckled quietly to himself and followed from a distance . He wondered though why she 'd cut her hair short . She 'd looked lovely during the summer with her long , curly hair . An arm grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him off of the sidewalk . " Bruce ! " " Tony ! " Bruce grinned and laughed . " So , guess what ? " " Yes ? " " I get to be your guide for today and tomorrow ! This means I get to cut part of my classes to drag you around the school and make sure you don 't get lost . " He looked quite proud of himself ; probably talked his way into the position . " Aw , buddy , you shouldn 't have ! " " Tony ! " a blonde called and ran up . " You forgot your phone at my place last night , " she handed it over . " Oh , hi Bruce . " " Pepper . " Bruce nodded to her then threw a look to Tony , who returned one that told him not to ask . He knew they 'd broken up this last spring , but they still hung out from time to time . " I guess I should be glad that Jarvis actually likes me . " She smirked . Tony made a sound of disbelief . " He unlocked it for you ? ! Bad Jarvis ! " he snapped at the phone . " You gave her security clearance , sir , " a British accent chirped from the phone . " MUTE , " Tony growled and shoved the phone in his pocket . " I was just making sure y [ Not likely for either of us . ] The first class turned out to be very informal , and the professor asked each student why they were taking the class . When they got to Tony , he rattled off how he was interested in robotics and developing clean energy , as his father had been doing . He left the bit about his father out though ; he didn 't like bringing that up . Though when he spoke , it was the first time Loki looked up from scribbling in his notebook . The only other time was when Loki mentioned taking the class to learn how things worked and were developed . So humble ! There had to be another reason . And the way he spoke , like some old fashioned gentleman , sparked Tony 's curiosity . Was it considered stalking if he just wanted to be an informed individual ? The professor then talked about what they would cover in the course and boring , boring , boring . Tony stopped paying attention . [ Well ? ] [ I think you 'd like him ] [ Him ? Not her ? Very interesting . ] [ Well , not more than Clint of course ] [ Of course . Tell me more . ] [ I find it more interesting that you 're interested in my interests ] [ Can 't say I 'm surprised by it . You are you . ] [ I am me , aren 't I ? ] [ Rolling my eyes hard right now , just so you know . ] [ What can I say , I 'm an equal opportunity interest kind of guy ] [ You never told me that . ] Tony smirked . [ You never asked ] Tony 's attention shifted as the professor said they would get started on Friday and let them all go . The urge to bother Loki arose and Tony found himself following the young man out the building . " Hey ! " Loki didn 't stop . In fact , he could swear that the guy sped up . Tony wouldn 't stand for that . " Yo ! Slick ! " Loki glanced back at him . " Yes , you ! " " You have got to be joking . " He stopped with an exasperated sigh as Tony caught up . This guy was really tall , around 6 ' 2 " maybe ? " So what 's with the accent and speech pattern ? You can 't possibly be that old fashioned ? " Loki pinched the bridge of his nose . " It is no concern of yours . " " It 's quaint ! " " It is part of a wager . " Tony 's eyebrows shot up . He wasn 't expecting that . " Really ? With whom ? " " My brother , if you must know . Now if you will excuse me … " " But how will he know if you talk like a normal person ? " Tony walked alongside Loki . Damn this guy was taking long strides . Hm , long legs mean … Tony cut that thought off . " For someone who is considered so smart , you really are quite dense . " " Did I miss something ? Drama club bet ? " " Everyone on campus knows about our agreement . Did you just transfer ? " " Nah , I 'm from the high school . " " Oh , bloody … " Loki stopped short and took a breath to calm himself , then turned to leave . " Go away . " " Nope ! We 're classmates ! " Tony chased him again , determined . To what end though , he wasn 't really sure yet . " Not outside of the actual class ! " " Your accent is amazing . " " It is real , I assure you . " " What does yChapter 2 The rest of the week went quickly and before he knew it , Bruce was in the school office , sitting with Principal Fury and Counselor Coulson ( who looked vaguely familiar ) . Though , the placard on the desk said ' Director Fury ' and Bruce wondered if he 'd actually heard anyone call him the principal . " You 're fitting in well from what we 've heard from Tony , " Fury said as he looked over a piece of paper . Bruce wondered if they 'd somehow debriefed Tony and made him write a report . " Your classes are going well ? " " As well as can be expected only having four days of class , " Bruce answered . There was silence that turned awkward as Fury stared at him . Was that a smart answer ? Bruce had a pretty good idea that they both knew about what had happened at his old school and tried his best not to fidget in his seat . He needed to seem confident and had made sure not to mention the small incidents he 'd had . He hadn 't even told Tony about those . But he figured they would just fade away , especially with all of the friends he had around him . Most bullies wouldn 't bother if other people were there to make it difficult . Despite his confidence in this , the entire meeting still made him nervous . " Well , I don 't see why this needs to go on any longer . Bruce , just make sure to see Counselor Coulson if you need to . He 's usually in his office during school hours . " That sounded like a dismissal if there ever was one , so Bruce stood . " If you need anything , just ask , " the counselor added as he shook of Bruce 's hand . " I will , sir . " Bruce gave him a nervous smile as he left . It was nice to know they were looking out for him - and probably the school 's reputation . He wondered if Tony had thought about that when he 'd managed to get him into the school . It didn 't matter now . All he had to do was keep his anger under control and - Someone grabbed him from behind and shoved him into the bathroom door . Bruce hit it , bursting through to find the room empty and was then shoved from behind to fall into the corneChapter 3 " This is bigger than my room at home . " Much bigger , Bruce thought as he cast his eyes around the room , wondering what in the world he would possibly fill it with . Not that he would , seeing as this was only temporary . Or was it ? " You 'll live . " Tony grinned and clapped his shoulder . " Thanks for agreeing to this . " " Hey , I don 't want you to feel alone . But remember , family meals on Wednesdays and Sundays . " " As if I don 't already love your mother 's cooking , " Tony scoffed and walked into the room , gesturing for Bruce to follow . " I would come live with you , but I don 't think your mom would like it if I wired Jarvis into every room . Or blew up things in your basement . " " No she wouldn 't ! " Bruce laughed and tossed his bag onto the bed . " I hope I don 't get too used to this . " " You 're welcome . Now , you already know your passcodes and everything ? " he asked and Bruce nodded as the doorbell rang . " Good . " " Hooray ! " Tony mocked as they left the room to go and greet her . " To what do I owe this pleasure ? " " My mother wanted me to make sure Bruce was getting comfortable and sent me over with casserole . " She held up the platter . " Still warm , even . " " Then on to the next order of business - food ! " And with that , the three sat down to the feast . They talked mostly about class and when finished , Pepper helped them clean up before leaving . Tony saw her off , like the gentleman he thought himself to be and Bruce retired to his new room to get used to it and finish his homework . By the time he was ready for bed , he thought he should at least say goodnight to Tony . He searched the main rooms before it hit him . " Um , Jarvis , where is Tony ? " " Thanks . " Bruce headed to the stairs and made his way down . It wasn 't a small workshop , but an entire floor where Tony worked on all sorts of things from the cars that he and his dad had restored , to tinkering with all sorts of hardware , like the Stark Industries phones he 'd ' upgraded ' and given to his friends . Tonight , Tony was tinkering with a robot that Bruce could see through the glass as he typed his code to enter . " Hey . " " Yo , " Tony answered without looking up . " I 'm heading to bed . " " Okay . " " You probably should too . " " Nah , I 'm still wide awake . " " How much sleep do you usually get ? " Tony sat back , taking a breath as his eyes rolled skyward and he thought . " I think about … four hours . " " Is that good ? " " I don 't think it 's necessarily bad . I don 't feel tired when I get up , " he said as he went back to what he was doing , Bruce watching his progress . " I was always wired to be like this ; just don 't need as much sleep . " " Considering your brain doesn 't work like everyone else 's , that 's probably true . " He sighed and shook his head as he started back toward the stairs . " Well , have fun . I 'm going to sleep . " " Bruce . " " Yeah ? " he turned back to see Tony looking back at him . " Thanks . For coming . It 's , uh , it 's nice to have someone saying goodnight again . " Bruce returned to Tony to pull him into a hug . " No problem . " As much as Tony put on a front with his confidence , Bruce understood . And as he got into bed and set his glasses aside , he was glad that Tony had confided at least this much to him . It made him feel better about how Tony was feeling . As long as his friend still trusted him to tell him such things , he wouldn 't worry so much . ~ * * ~ " Can you believe they decided to let us all tour the university ? And the entire school , not just the juniors . " Natasha said from just behind Bruce , who was watching the fountain in the quad move . It was impressive . " Well , they want our money , you know that , " Clint answered , then joined Bruce . Chapter 4 Tony stopped on the path . " So should we start in this weekend , or next class ? " Loki sighed in relief . For once , Tony was being serious and the conversation ( mostly one - sided ) would finally end . " Well , we need to buy the components for the device , so next class would be preferable . " " Don 't worry , the professor has most of them , and I 'm sure I have the rest . " " Would you like for me to pay you back ? " " Nope ! It 's cool . " Tony grinned and Loki almost hated him . " Are you quite sure ? " " Yeah , why ? " Loki glanced away . " It is nothing . " Tony frowned and Loki had a feeling he got it . " Monday , then , " he said with a nod and turned to go . " You do know it 's okay to rely on other people , right ? " Loki stopped . " I am just not sure how reliable you are , Tony Stark . " Tony grinned again . " Oh , you 'll see ! " He winked and jogged away toward the parking lot . All Loki could do was shake his head . Maybe it would be a good idea to work a bit on the project himself over the weekend . Then again , Tony had proved intelligent and dependable on the last assignment , and they 'd been working ahead on next two assignments simultaneously . " You know who he is , right ? " Loki turned to see his brother 's friend Jane sitting under one of the trees just off the sidewalk . She had her long brown hair tied back and various books and notes on the surrounding grass . He smiled , feeling mischievous . " Waiting to see my brother ? " She laughed . " Answer my question and I might answer yours . " He sighed and paced over to sit next to her . " He is arrogant . " " And you 're not ? " She closed her book as Loki scoffed . " Do you see yourself in him ? " " I see someone who is unwilling to bend because it would ruin his image . " " You see , it does sound like someone I know . " " I am not , in any way , similar to him ! " " You are unwilling to be nice because it is a waste of time speaking with people who have no similar interests to you . He 's not nice because you aren 't . He 's just reacting to you . " " Sometimes [ I cannot figure out this phone ] Bruce shook his head . Tony had been tinkering ( a generous word to use at this point ) with his company 's phones and using his friends as guinea pigs . [ I 'll show you tomorrow . ] " Oh , look . You have a date ! " Bruce rolled his eyes and shoved Tony 's chair before walking away . " You 're welcome ! ! " Bruce was grinning to himself as he took the stairs by two . He couldn 't help but enjoy this turn of events . A few hours later , Bruce was interrupted by Jarvis . There was a beep and then , " Sir , you are requested downstairs . " He glanced at the ceiling , wondering what crazy idea Tony wanted help with this time . " I 'll be down in a moment . " With a sigh , Bruce set his pen aside and took his sorry butt downstairs . He found Tony on a reclining chair , components scattered around him . " Hey , buddy ! " " What 's going on ? " he asked suspiciously as he realized Tony was shirtless . " I need you to help me install my new power supply . " Tony held up a small round device that glowed a soft blue . Bruce took it with a frown , before it melted away as he recognized the design . " Tony , this isn 't a battery . " " Well , technically , it is . " " That 's not what I meant . The first ones were actual batteries . This … this is an arc reactor ! " He glanced in disbelief from the device to Tony , and back again . " How the hell did you do this ? " " Little bit of elbow grease … " Tony smiled . " You thought I didn 't pay attention to my father 's most genius tech ? I absorbed it and I 'm going to refine it . This is just a small step . " " Jesus , Tony . This is incredible . " " Just help me switch it out . " " What do I need to do ? " " Install the outer ring to what 's in my chest so I can just click the device in and out . Then I can make adjustments quicker and easier . Jarvis ? " A handy tutorial for the installation appeared on the screen next to them as Bruce studied it . " I didn 't know you were this into hardware . You 're usually the coding type . " " Well , thanks to my class , I 'm getting better at it . I did manage to get a few things out of Loki without him figuring out what I was doing . " Bruce studied Tony 's chest . " He doesn 't know about this ? " " I don 't think anyone knows apart from our friends , to be honest . The media hasn 't gotten ahold of it , and I 'd like it to stay that way . " " Good thing your doctor keeps his mouth shut . " " He 's a good guy . " " So I have to take the current one out to install all of this , right ? " Bruce waited as Tony nodded . " I have to do this fast . " " Yep , " Tony answered as Bruce studied the screen again . " Okay . " Bruce nodded , heart beating fast now as he knew he had to get this right . " Ready ? Chapter 5 " I swear , this isn 't difficult . " Bruce laughed as Steve glared at the phone . " But , it never unlocks when I want it to ! And it locks when I 'm trying to do other things . " Bruce 's expression brightened suddenly . " Jarvis , unlock . " The phone unlocked and Steve sighed in exasperation . " Change admin to Steve , not Tony . " " Very good , sir , " Jarvis answered , sounding amused . Tony liked teasing Steve about his techno - fail far too much . The phone beeped and the colors all changed to a red , white and blue theme . " Patriotic ? " " I was into that kind of stuff when I was a kid , " Steve admitted and took the phone back , tapping the screen . " Can you show me how to change the icons ? " " Sure , " Bruce said with a grin and scooted closer to tap on the screen . " You can also just give Jarvis commands . Tony coded him for that . " " I 'd rather do it myself , " Steve admitted quietly . Bruce grinned . " I do the same thing . It takes some getting used to . " Tony grinned from the pillar he was leaning against as he watched the two put their heads together . Yes , things were all going according to plan . He snuck away and out to his car to head to his class on the campus , feeling quite smug . Genius was so hard to contain . He met Loki halfway there and they walked together in silence , Loki carrying the device they were to present . They 'd met earlier in the morning so Loki could give it a once over to make sure everything was perfect . Tony let him because Loki had flair , and Tony liked that . Once in the classroom , they unpacked their things and organized as the professor called to them , alerting them that they would be going first . " That is unnecessary , " Loki muttered so only Tony could hear . " We 'll just make everyone else look that much worse . " " Exactly . " They smirked at one another and took their things to the front as everyone took their seats and the room quieted . Tony set his phone on the front table and set it to record as he pulled out his note cards and flipped through them . He glanced at the deChapter 6 " Always a pleasure , Coulson . " Tony flopped down in the guest chair . Coulson smiled in his mild mannered way and sat back . " Let 's just get started . " " Yes , sir ! " " Who is this Loki Odinson ? " Somehow he wasn 't surprised that Coulson knew about Loki . " Guy in my college class . My pleasure in life is making his hell . " Tony sighed dreamily . He was still trying to think of a new way to get Loki to crack . Coulson leveled him a stare . " Are you sure ? " " Yeah . Why ? " Tony thought it odd for the guy to take such a sudden interest . Coulson narrowed his eyes . " You like being around him ? " " Yeah , I guess . " Tony shrugged . " He 's smart ? " Tony nodded , suspicious . " Handsome ? " " Pretty hot , yeah . " " Your heart beats faster when you see him ? " " Yeah ! " Tony 's eyes went wide as he slapped a hand over his mouth . " I mean , NO ! " " Tony . " " No ! I don 't like him ! " " Tony … " " I can 't like him ! " " Tony . " " Oh god , I like him ! " he whined , hands on his head . " I don 't want to like him , I want to like Bruce ! It would work out so well because we 're best friends , but I don 't ! " Tony got up and reached over the desk to grab the counselor 's arm in a panic . " Coulson , what do I do ? ! " His face was unreadable . " Try not to push him away with the smartassery , " he answered as Tony whined again and flopped back into the chair . " Find out his interests . " " I already know what he likes . " " Talk about things other than yourself . " Coulson smiled again , clearly enjoying this . " But I am extremely interesting ! " " Yes , I know . " Tony sat up . " Are you just messing with me ? " " What do you think ? " Tony rolled his eyes and stood . " Is this okay ? I mean , my liking him ? " Coulson shrugged and sat back . " I don 't work PR , I 'm here to make sure you 're healthy and safe . " " Do you think it 's a good idea ? " " Considering all the things you 've done … " " Yeah , yeah . " Tony waved his hand and tried not to think of the things he 'd blown up over the years . He certainlChapter 7 " What do you mean ? " Tony asked as he stopped . Bruce was currently recounting his tale of woe from class and Tony , being his best friend forever , was being a good listener , mostly because he couldn 't believe it . " They thought you did all of it for me ! " Bruce snapped angrily . " I mean , really ? Chemistry ? " Tony didn 't take that as an insult . He did know Chemistry better than most , but it was Bruce 's thing , not his - not yet . " Of all the stupid … did you do the presentation ? " " I almost couldn 't ! " Bruce complained as he sank down onto a chair in the commons . " I was so angry , I nearly threw the entire thing against the wall . " " But you didn 't . " " No . Clint helped out . I fixed what they 'd screwed up and pretty much proved that I 'd done the entire experiment myself . " Bruce sighed as he sat back and stared up at the ceiling . " They were testing me Tony . They made it so I could fix it if I knew what I was doing . " Tony rubbed his face and stared down the hall at the students milling around during lunch hour . He wasn 't really thinking about the incident though . He was more excited about Bruce controlling his anger . " I can 't believe it , " he muttered to himself . " I can . I 'll prove to them that I am not using you . " Bruce stood and started pacing . " I even heard a rumor that we really were a couple and , and UGH ! " He threw up his arms . " And Darcy said we would be the coolest science boyfriends ever ! " " This has been stated and she makes a very good point . " " Not that us being a couple would be bad , but can 't you be serious for a second , Tony ? " " Calm down . " Tony grabbed Bruce 's hand and pulled him down into the chairs again . " Look , I know it 's frustrating , but just laugh them off . You know we 're better than going around beating on anyone saying anything stupid . We should pity them for not being nearly as smart as we are . " Bruce snorted . " I suppose you 're right . " " I know I 'm right . " Tony snapped his fingers . " Now , back to what I was going to [ I know . ] Tony smirked . " I didn 't say anything . " Steve leveled him a look . " Don 't worry . If this goes as planned , you 'll be leaving with a smile on your face . " " Hey , Bruce ! Steve has something he wants to tell you ! " Tony called as Steve stared at him in panic . " You 're playing with the master , buddy . " He patted Steve 's shoulder , wandering away as Bruce stopped next to Steve . " Uh , I … I 'm just excited to get started with the cooking and all ! " Steve recovered as Tony grinned to himself . Inviting his friends over for Christmas Eve celebrations had been planned in advance , but Tony had been making slight alterations to his plans the more he saw the way Bruce and Steve were getting along . In his opinion , it wasn 't going fast enough . They should have kissed by now , at least , which they hadn 't . He had weaseled that particular factoid out of Bruce in 10 seconds flat . " Thanks , " he said quietly and moved to put it in the fridge . Clint joined him , pulling spices Tony had requested of him out of a bag . Bruce moved to the sink side of the kitchen to start pulling out pots and pans from a cupboard as Pepper set up a cookbook . " Chill , Bruce . I knew she was going to be angry . " Clint ran a hand through his hair and slipped off of his stool . " Time to go explain myself . " Tony glanced up at the couple outside the soundproof doors talking . They weren 't yelling , so it wasn 't going badly . " According to plan , so far . " Tony 's thigh began to ring so he planted Bruce in front of the pot they 'd been filling . He slipped the phone out of his pocket and set it against his ear . " Tony 's Express Eatery . " " Besides , I 've found it . " Tony pulled the silver ribbon off and opened the little green box to find … well , not what he was expecting . He wasn 't really sure what he was expecting , but it definitely wasn 't a random dome of metal with what looked like a tiny lens . It looked familiar as well - " Merry Christmas , Tony . " The line went dead as Tony 's mind flew into gear . He went straight for the other box and ripped the ribbon off to open it and find a completely different piece to the one he 'd found previous . He knew this one though - a piece of the Enterprise . He glanced at the other piece in his hand before it hit him and he smacked his forehead . " Coming from you , I know you 'll do it , " she whispered back as she looked away . " There 's one . " She pointed to the bottom edge of a box showing from under the curtains . " Alright . Find as many as you can and meet me in my room , go ! " he said as he went for the stairs to his workshop first . Bruce had access to that room , so clearly there had to be some down there . His intuition did not fail him as he found seven boxes hidden throughout the room before heading back up . Pepper had already gone through the guest rooms , so they tore up Bruce 's room ( for fun ) and found one box before destroying Tony 's room to get 30 boxes total . They settled themselves on the floor as Pepper opened all the boxes and Tony lined up the pieces , organizing them by part then set about putting them together . First , he put together the R2D2 , which made sounds once he set the last piece in place . He grinned and handed it to Pepper before going for the Enterprise next . " The God of Mischief , " he answered , finishing yet another set of pieces to have it snap out , " EXTERMINATE ! " Pepper took it with a laugh and set it next to the Enterprise . After that was a small model of Serenity , then a little robot whose sound caused Tony to make a face . " Oh , wow ! " Pepper took it and admired it . " Did Bruce set this up ? Are you making Steve run interference and not telling me something about him moving in ? " Tony wasn 't listening . He was thinking about Loki and how he could possibly know that Tony absolutely and wholeheartedly adored the movie Tron . Considering Bruce had clearly helped Loki with his little plan , his best friend was the inside man behind this entire thing . Interrogation time ! He took the light cycle back from her . " Huh ? Yeah , Bruce helped set it up . I 'm sure of it . " He stood and made his way to the door , Pepper following . He cut off when he came into view of Bruce and Steve making out right in the middle of the kitchen . Finally ! This was a promising development . Not wanting to completely ruin things for them , Tony glanced away and loudly cleared his throat . The two jumped apart in surprise . Tony walked up behind Bruce and rested his chin on his best friend 's shoulder . " Oh , that looks delicious . " He reached around Bruce to pretend to drive the light cycle on the edge of the pot . " Old Playbills his mother was going to throw out from when she went to see shows in New York . They 're gorgeous , Tony . Pristine condition . " Tony felt disoriented as he came fully awake . He was not in his own bed . With a yawn , he sat up as he remembered the events of the day before . The afternoon had gone as planned , apart from his little scavenger hunt with Pepper , and dinner had tasted fabulous . All was well : Natasha and Clint were besties like normal , Steve and Bruce had finally gotten together ( officially ) and Pepper was telling Tony what to do , as always . After dinner , they played video games until they just couldn 't anymore , and said their goodbyes , leaving Tony and Bruce alone . The two loaded up the dishwasher , packed their things and headed Bruce 's home to spend the night with his parents . Tony had immediately taken the guest room and passed out , as he had gotten up far too early the morning previous . Or maybe he hadn 't slept the night before . He couldn 't quite remember . With a stretch , he shifted and turned to get out of the bed , pausing when he noticed the little toys on the bedstand . He picked up the light cycle and smiled . He didn 't know how Loki managed it in such a short amount of time , but they were the best presents he 'd gotten in a while . He wasn 't sure how he was going to top this without spending a lot of - wait . They weren 't technically a couple , and yet … " Yes , mother , " he teased and took himself back upstairs , but not before noticing a present under the tree with his name on it . Pajamas . They got him pajamas every year . He couldn 't argue ; they were useful ! Bruce glared at him before he turned over . " This bed is not big enough for the two of us . It never was . " He was clearly referring to last year at this time when Tony was a complete mess and sleeping with Bruce to keep from falling apart . Not that those were great memories , but Tony kind of missed sleeping with someone . Tony glanced at the door , the urge to run to the guestroom overwhelming . " I should probably check that . " He wandered out of the room and back to his . He grabbed his phone off the side table and turned it on . Tony happily sat on the couch , chomping on bacon as Bruce opened his presents from relatives and friends . After a while , they handed Tony his gift and he set his plate aside . When he opened it , he graciously thanked Mr . and Mrs . Banner for the lovely pajamas . Bruce also got pajamas - and a new laptop , an external hard drive , as well as an mp3 player . " The Christmas bonus was very helpful , " his father said with a smile as Bruce stared at him incredulously . Tony didn 't bother taking credit for that one . Mr . Banner 's boss had deemed him worthy . There was one more gift under the tree with Tony 's name on it . With a grin , he accepted it from Bruce , expecting socks . He was mistaken . Tony let out a breath of surprise . It was a picture of everyone at the after party of Clint and Natasha 's play . Even Loki was in the picture , smiling graciously . Tony had not given Bruce anything for Christmas yet . This was sort of tradition . Tony always took him shopping after the fact so they could laugh at people scrambling to return crap they didn 't want , or to buy things too little , too late . " Go on and pick out what you want , " Tony said with a wave of his hand and made a beeline for Loki . Clearly he 'd found what he wanted . Bruce just shook his head and he watched Tony approach Loki as the taller rolled his eyes with a smile . Tony reached into his pocket and pulled out something that made Loki laugh - the light cycle . Bruce leaned against a pillar to watch . Natasha had texted him the day after Loki and Thor 's play , commenting on how much Loki liked making Tony 's life hell . This obviously meant they were perfect for one another , so Bruce asked Jarvis for Loki 's number and called to see if he needed any help . Tony had been out carting Pepper around for last minute Christmas shopping , so getting Loki into the house before his shift was easy enough . He took Loki down to the workshop and helped to quickly piece together the figures Loki had been working on . Jarvis has been extremely helpful . Luckily , Tony never thought to suspect his computer butler as treasonous . Bruce bit his lip to hide a smile as Loki tried to shoo Tony away . Maybe he should give them some time together , despite Loki being at work . Bruce wandered away through the shelves to the science section and began picking out the books he wanted . He had a pretty hefty stack when Tony appeared at his elbow with a basket . Bruce laughed and put his books in the basket . " Come on , Tony . There will be plenty of time to spend with him later . Like , tons of your life . " He didn 't miss the way Tony glanced down , he assumed toward his chest , but Bruce chose to ignore it . How long that life lasted , he wasn 't sure , but he was going to make sure Tony at least lived it . Bruce had to fight the urge to roll his eyes . " I think that is the dumbest thing that has ever come out of your mouth . And considering all the dumb things that come out of your mouth … " Tony whined and rubbed his face . " Bruce , he 's the only person I 've ever met who didn 't care about my status besides you guys . He … he … " Bruce spotted a piece of black hair around the edge of the far end of the bookcase . " Tony Stark asking me for love advice , this is rich . I need to tell Steve about this . " " This is certain . And you 've never had an issue before ! Then again , you never really asked me out , you just kind of kissed me out of nowhere . " " I 'd like to think you asking me to live with you is like adopting a cat . I feed and take care of myself , and I let you talk at me when you have problems . Like now . " " All I 'm really saying is you don 't have to do anything . It 's just … " Bruce smiled to himself and leaned against one of the bookcases . " It 's really nice having someone like you for being you , isn 't it ? " " Then , damn he is good . " Bruce said as they moved on . " Just be your rotten little self , and I 'm sure dozens of pranks will fall into your collective laps . " After he 'd moved in , Bruce had scoured the house for alcohol and gotten rid of all of it , periodically checking . Tony 's dad had been pretty relaxed about Tony drinking in their presence , and Tony sometimes drank without them around for fun . With them gone , Bruce had no idea if Tony was abusing the privilege . Luckily , Tony hadn 't noticed the disappearance , and if he did , he never said anything . That being said , all they did for the New Year was spend the day channel surfing , and watching each country 's New Year in real time as they called friends . Tony demonstrated his extensive list of friends by calling a few in Europe . Bruce wanted to punt him across the room for the obnoxious look on his face . Once their own time zone hit midnight , they were on the couch singing together before cheering at the fireworks display and downing some champagne Coulson had bought for them . Bruce was impressed . He preferred this quiet affair to the alternative of going out with friends and getting smashed , or ending up in a crash . He had a feeling the latter made Tony want to stay home for the night . Bruce happily sang along with Tony as they jumped on the couch , and then Tony kissed him , just to be contrary , the brat . But then , just after midnight , Tony got a call , and Bruce watched as his friend 's face changed entirely . His expression lightened when he checked the screen , and the identity of the caller was obvious to Bruce . " Take your time , " Bruce told him to get a wave as Tony wandered away toward the sliding doors . He couldn 't hear the conversation , but somehow , he got exactly what it was by the way Tony leaned . His friend turned and Bruce caught the smile and fondness in Tony 's eyes . " Your mom , " Tony replied and laughed . Bruce rolled his eyes . For all of Tony 's meddling in his love life , apparently he couldn 't take his own advice . " You don 't have a class with him anymore , do you ? " " Good , I 'm glad we sorted that out , " Bruce said with a roll of his eyes as he stood . " I 'm gonna make sure I have my things together and get to bed . You gonna sleep tonight ? " " Look at it this way . Maybe someday you and Steve can be a super hero team and fight against us . It 's too bad you 'd lose . " " Some days , I don 't know why I bother . " Bruce said with a grin as he headed toward his room . He glanced at his phone as he walked in and shut the door , and noticed another message . " You left your GPS on . " He grinned when Loki eyed the phone . " I 'm kidding . I was just heading toward the science buildings and I saw you on the bench . " " Well , you weren 't in the class I wanted to take , so no . " Tony smiled when he saw Loki smirk a bit and put the phone away . " Come on , walk with me . " The two got up and Tony led them in a random direction . They didn 't speak as Tony glanced up to see the clouds building and moving closer , thunder rolling quietly in the distance . Maybe they should move inside . " When I said I liked you . " Tony turned to face Loki when he stopped , noting how conflicted he looked . " You don 't … have to reply . I get it if you 're not interested . " " Worried about the fact that you 'd be dating Tony Stark ? The genius kid ? Or maybe all of the girls who are always vying for my attention ? They are pretty vicious sometimes , so I can totally understand that . " Loki covered his mouth and chuckled . " Aside from the outrageous flirting , you are the most extroverted person I know , and you have not made one definite move . Even though I managed to give you a Christmas present . " Tony realized his mouth was hanging open and closed it as he swallowed nervously . He really hadn 't done anything ! He 'd been so worried about the idea that Loki would say no in the end that he hadn 't made one move to finish what he started . How stupid was he ? As he looked up , there was a flash of lighting , thunder rolling overhead as the bottom fell out and suddenly they were both getting drenched . " Let us take ourselves indoors , " Loki suggested and gestured at the building to his right . " Agreed . " Tony followed him as they jogged down the already wet sidewalk to the steps and up to get inside . They shook themselves off in the entrance , and Tony ran a hand through his hair , shaking it off as he followed Loki in . Loki smirked and started toward the stairs to the second floor as Tony hurried after . He had a mind to take up this challenge ! He followed Loki through the stacks to the tables that lined the outer walls at the back of the library . They were empty save one at the far corner occupied by a girl clearly working on some kind of paper . The two silently chose the table at the opposite end and Loki set his bag down as he shrugged his coat off and Tony tried to ignore just how nice a wet Loki looked and set his own bag down to pull out his laptop . Tony kept glancing at one hair that had managed to escape and hang down Loki 's forehead . It became too much of a distraction when Tony finally reached over the table to push it back with the rest as Loki sat . Their eyes caught as Loki looked up at him questioningly , and Tony just shrugged with a smile as he sat and typed in the password to his laptop . That wasn 't creepy at all , right ? Right ? He glanced up as his OS loaded to see Loki watching him . Loki opened his mouth , took a breath , then let it out without saying a word . With a shake of his head , he turned to his bag and began pulling things out . Intrigued by the move , Tony stayed silent , wondering what was going on in Loki 's head . Had Loki liked what he had done ? Curious . Tony loaded up the outline he 'd worked on with his professor and skimmed over it again , wondering if he should tweak it in any way . He grabbed the screen tablet and detached it from the keyboard as he opened another program to start scribbling down ideas , moving things around . Once he was satisfied with the order of it all , he reattached it and went back into the document to rearrange and type it properly . He liked the library , he really did . But he was missing the ability to pace around in his workshop and talk his ideas out with Jarvis . His pent up energy released as his leg started to bounce . Then he began wagging his pen around in his hand , tapping the table . Sometimes , Tony thought he should take up a sport with all the energy he had . Steve had suggested it more than once , but that would detract from science time . Loki grabbed his hand to stop the tapping and Tony glanced up . Their eyes caught , and Tony being Tony , decided that now was as good a time as any , and made a move . He shifted his hand to hold Loki 's in his own . He relished the blush on Loki 's cheeks as the young man looked back down at his notebook , scribbling with his free hand , but not taking his other hand away . And then Tony realized he didn 't want him to . Tony felt his heart racing and - he panicked . He was scared . For once , he was actually scared . He let go and abruptly stood , walking into the rows of books , wondering just what the hell he was doing . They 'd been flirting back and forth for weeks now . He 'd been waiting impatiently , hoping for something to happen . Now , as he 'd finally made that move Loki had been looking for , he was running away ? What the hell was wrong with him ? Tony realized he had been staring at the same shelf of books for far too long . " Yeah . " He turned to Loki and shook his head . " No . " " Come on . " Loki took Tony 's hand , urging him back toward the table . But Tony stood rooted to the spot as Loki frowned at him . He knew what to do . Now . Do it now . He reached up , one hand resting behind Loki 's neck as he pulled the taller man closer , then down into a kiss . And damn could Loki kiss . Tony felt it all the way down into his toes as an arm slid around his back . Yes , yes this was going exactly where he wanted it to go . And it needed to go to an area more private . They quickly broke apart to find a librarian trying to get by with a cart . They quietly apologized and made their way back to the table . Tony chanced a glance at Loki and they dissolved into silent snickers as they sat back down before resuming their work . Tony got an idea and pulled out a piece of paper , scribbling on it quickly before sliding it over to Loki : Loki nodded and glanced at his brother , who had the biggest grin on his face . He almost wished he were lying , to get a better reaction , but alas . That would have to wait for another day . Thor breathed a sigh of relief . " Of all the things to tease me about ! Do not toy with me when you are talking about something serious like this ! " Thor laughed and shoved Loki off of the bench they were on . " Always with the jesting ! Will you next tell me that it is an eight legged robotic horse ? " Loki sighed . " It was already programmed that way . I can 't change it . " He 'd figure it out eventually . He probably just had to say ' please ' to Jarvis , and didn 't want to . Loki smiled . " I 'll see what I can do . " His mind ran with the endless possibilities of outsmarting his brother with the thing . " What 's different about it ? " Loki held up the phone . " Jarvis , show me where Tony is . " The phone beeped and brought up a map , marking Tony 's location as Thor sounded impressed , but Loki frowned . " Hm , I did not expect that . " Luckily , as they approached the car , Thor 's phone began to make thunder noises and as he pulled it out , his face cracked a grin . " My apologies , brother . It seems Jane needs me . Do call me and tell me how it goes . " Eventually , the three ended up down in Tony 's lab as Tony showed off all of his equipment . At this point , Loki wasn 't even jealous of Tony 's toys anymore . Okay , well , maybe a little , but at least he would get to play with them . " And this , boys , is what we 'll be working on today ! " Tony gestured to a heap of parts and cables and wires . Loki smirked . He liked a challenge . " A helper robot . To hold things for me , like a video camera when you 're not around . Gotta give orders to something . " Tony grinned as Bruce rolled his eyes . " Oh , crap , I left the cables upstairs . Be right back ! " " Just after school started in the fall . " Bruce sighed and sat on a stool . " Really should have moved in over the summer . I never realized how lonely he was . " " I can imagine . " Loki glanced around the spacious workshop . " Without the sounds of other people , I 'm sure the emptiness can really get to a person . " He made a good point . Tony almost always said what was on his mind . " You 're a good friend , Bruce . We 'll have to find some way to exploit that later on . " " Not using the same programming ? " Loki asked as Tony shook his head . " I suppose something simple is fine . And you brought me because I have an accent ? " " Only enough space in my head for science , not names . " Tony stopped to look them both in the eyes . " Look , I 've been hearing things from the company , about them going in the direction of making more weapons . I want to stop this and the best way , I think , is to move into higher level electronics and robotics . I want to get through college and steer them back to electronics market , to refine the process and make it cheaper for everyone . Hence the robots and the phones - " The three got started on the build , and it was hours later before they 'd realized how much time had passed , and just how hungry they were . Tony ordered some pizza as they kept working , and they finally took a break when food arrived . The break wasn 't long as the pizza quickly disappeared and they were back to work . It wasn 't until the three were testing voice commands that Bruce looked at the clock and yawned . Bruce rolled his eyes and started toward the stairs . " I 'm sure Loki can devise a way to get it to only grab yours . That I don 't doubt . " Loki just grinned as Tony muttered something about overriding commands , typing into his computer . Once Bruce was gone , Loki watched as the robot rolled toward him and poked its grabber claw gently against his stomach . Tony was silently smirking at the screen . " I don 't know . I guess I just find myself grateful to even have them . I don 't know what it would be like without my family , despite wanting to kill my brother from time to time . " " I 've never really told anyone about this , but I just feel like they love my brother more . I mean , they 're always supportive and encouraging but , they just never seem interested . Especially , my father . " " Oh , this ? " Tony pointed at the blue lights glowing through his shirt . It seemed Tony had been hiding something rather large - or small , depending on the perspective . " From my accident . " " It wasn 't publicized , but it was that same night . " Tony unbuttoned his shirt to reveal the device sitting in his chest . " Apparently , I managed to get out of the car before it exploded . That 's what Coulson told me . He was the one who found me , kept it quiet . " " Damn . So what does it do ? " Loki got up and moved closer to touch it . He 'd expected the metal to be cool , but it was warm to the touch . " Keep your heart going ? " " There was a piece of metal the doc couldn 't remove . This keeps it from going into my heart . So in a way , I guess you could say it keeps my heart going . " " Still , it 's true . " He rested a hand on Tony 's shoulder and pulled him closer . Tony resisted for a moment before resting his forehead against Loki 's shoulder . " He 's kind of like my caretaker . " Tony leaned back against the table behind him and grinned . " My dad was busy with his work a lot , so he hired Coulson to watch me and keep me from doing anything really stupid when he wasn 't around . Mostly , he gave me advice and threatened to taze me . " After all the bragging he 'd heard , Loki was quite pleased that Tony was exceptional at kissing . Considering the last few times , they 'd both been caught off guard , this time when their lips met , it went significantly better . Not to mention they weren 't in public anymore , so all bets were off . He felt Tony 's arms wrap around his neck just before he broke the kiss off . Loki awoke feeling warm and realized the bed felt different . He thought his heart might stop when he opened his eyes to find Tony lying facing him . Luckily , he was not in a novel and it did not stop , and the world also kept spinning . He glanced down at the device sunken into Tony 's chest . He hadn 't really gotten a very good look at it before and was impressed by the work . He had a sneaking suspicion , by the design , that some of his own ideas had gone into it . Loki decided now might not be the time to talk as he glanced to the side . He could have sworn he heard Bruce calling for Tony down the hall . The rooms did seem quite soundproof … The door burst open . " Oh my god , Tony ! Why aren 't you … Oh . " Bruce stood in the doorway , staring awkwardly at the image of Tony straddling Loki . " Good … morning … Loki ? " " Did you need something ? " Tony asked . " Just wondering when you were getting out of bed . Okay , I 'm gonnagonowbye ! " Bruce slammed the door and ran off as the two dissolved into snickers against one another . " Finally , a day off . " Steve stretched his arms into the air as they walked and Bruce grinned . Despite dodging the ' date ' question , he 'd really been looking forward to this . " You mean a day without Tony and his ego ? " The two snickered for a moment before settling into a comfortable walk together . The day was nice for the end of winter . The sun was out , there were birds singing and the season was quickly becoming spring . " Oh , did Tony ask you about spring break ? " " Thank you . " Steve took his hand and pulled him toward a restaurant . " This is the place I was telling you about . " Bruce followed as his stomach growled . Despite the nervousness he 'd had about meeting up with Steve , his stomach didn 't seem to care . That and smells from the kitchen hit him as he walked in and he promptly forgot he was supposed to be on a date as hunger took the wheel . After lunch , the two wandered along downtown , looking at various wares in windows , sometimes entering the shops to look around and just enjoyed themselves . Bruce liked how much fun he was having doing normal things with Steve . A guy could get used to this . Especially the way Steve smiled when he found something he liked . Bruce had to mentally file the information away for later , for birthday presents and such . They ended up at the arcade , a place Bruce used to spend time with Tony until other kids realized who Tony 's father was , and they had to play consoles at home . The place had changed , but at least he was used to the atmosphere . He and Steve played a few fighting games against one another , Bruce beating Steve to a pulp before they finally stepped back . And the game began . Bruce wasn 't surprised when Steve scored the first three points , but he made a quick comeback , keeping the score even . When Steve won by only two points , they decided to go best out of three , and Bruce ruled the second game . They were just starting the third , throwing taunts back and forth when Bruce realized just how much fun he was having . He caught Steve 's eyes and he knew this was going to work . Then Steve scored a goal right under his nose and Bruce cursed in response . Bruce backed off as the guy smirked . Steve stepped forward , lunging at him to get a yelp as the guy jumped . He ran off , tail between his legs as his friends followed him out . " Let 's get out of here , " Steve murmured as Bruce balled his hands into fists , squeezing them as he let Steve steer him out of the arcade . He couldn 't believe how horrible some people could act to total strangers . He kept fuming as Steve walked beside him and it wasn 't until he saw the pinpad that he realized he 'd been stewing all the while Steve had driven him home . With a sigh , he punched in his code then stepped into the entryway , rethinking his actions and wondering what in the world he 'd done . He slipped his shoes off as Steve did the same and let himself be directed to the living room as Steve turned the TV on and put a controller in his hands . Bruce allowed himself a little smile as Steve loaded up Soul Calibur and they spent the next hour beating on one another virtually . " Yeah , but I really did want to beat on him . At least it didn 't get that far this time . " Bruce stared at his empty hands . He had a feeling what had set him off last time . Bruce decided it was time and told Steve about the incident he 'd had and the Hulk rumors . Steve listened quietly and patiently as Bruce related everything he could remember , even the parts with Tony . He wasn 't surprised that Steve accepted it . He wasn 't fazed by much anymore , after being friends with Tony and his craziness . " Must have been around the time I met him . He was complaining about it and I told him the truth . He got pissed , of course . But I made him listen to me about what it did to me - to other kids . " " Shut up , I 'm being nostalgic . " He punched Steve 's shoulder before sitting next to Bruce . " We talked about that , then went on to talk about making people 's lives better with technology and by being a good role model . " He sighed with a cheeky smile . " No ! " Tony immediately let go of Bruce and jumped up to take Loki 's jacket and hang it for him . " No , we have things to destroy and rebuild . Off to work ! " Tony said as he shuffled Loki toward the stairs to his workshop . Tony gasped in horror . " HOW DID YOU KNOW ? ? " The grin that followed was a little too quick and ruined his acting . " Get out of my head , monster . " " You mean a quote , unquote , " normal " date ? " Loki teased . Technically , this could also be a date , and considering who they were , Loki rather liked it . Loki nodded and tossed his empty cup in the trash as they left . Loki glanced back and forth to make sure he wasn 't walking into traffic and went into the street without a care . He heard Tony squawk from the sidewalk in annoyance , following quickly . Loki ordered when his turn came , but as the girl was getting the food , felt like someone was watching him . He noticed the young man behind him staring , so he nodded politely . The guy responded with one of those chin up type nods , so Loki turned back to the counter . " He might have a few issues , but none that can 't be contended with . " Loki watched as the guy returned to his friends and a girl punched his shoulder in annoyance . " Besides , it is probably in poor taste to give attention to someone else on a date . " " Black eye … ? Oh ! Yeah , they 've taught me a few things , " Tony admitted as he sat on the side that faced the door . Just to be contrary , Loki motioned for him to scoot over , and sat next to him . " But now I can 't stare at you over the table . It was what kept me from groping you ! " Tony put a dramatic hand to his forehead . " How will I cope with this much sexy next to me ? " The next few hours were spent surreptitiously following their friends , casually looking it at things they had no interest in , and turning to hide their faces just before they could be spotted . At one point , Tony had to duck into a closet to remain safely unnoticed . When Loki went to retrieve him , he ended up getting yanked into the closet . And Loki did , surprised by how Bruce reacted to the guy with a challenge instead of backing down . Steve had to step in to stop him and pull him away . " Interesting … " " I 'm not cruel when I tease him , and he knows it . " Tony said as he typed furiously into his phone . Loki leaned over to see him hacking something and left him to his device . The group with the bully left , standing in a haphazard ring as one of the girls yelled at him , Steve and Bruce heading out and away shortly after . " Nope ! My turn ! " Tony said as he stepped away from the wall and went straight for the guy , who was arguing with one of his friends . " Hey , dickhead ! " " And just how are you supposed to - the hell ? " the guy glanced down as smoke poured from his pocket . Panicked , he pulled his phone out and dropped it with a yelp . " What the … " Loki just grinned . He refused to confirm or deny his enjoyment of Tony 's actions . " By the way , my brother is coming along next week . " 12 : " Aaaaand this is our room ! " Tony kicked the door open and led Loki in . He tossed his bag against the end of the bed as Loki looked around . " One bed . " " Yeah . " Tony cocked his head to the side . " Problem ? " " No . Somehow I thought Coulson was here to discourage that . " Tony snorted . " Nah . He trusts me . " " About as far as he can throw you . " Tony shrugged . " Hey , I 'm legal in most states . " " Not this one . " " Technicality . " " Reality . " " You 're willing to risk it . " " Risk ? One does not date Tony Stark without weighing the risks , " Loki said with a grin as he set his bag down just inside the door . Tony nudged him and mirrored the grin before they set about organizing their things . If there was one thing Tony was good at , it was organization . He knew where everything was , where everything belonged , and before long , Loki was standing at the window , admiring the view . " A very good location . " " I think my mother picked it . " " Which room was theirs ? " " Coulson took it . " " Good point . " Loki turned to lean back against the window sill . " I know this is a silly question , but have you talked about it ? " Tony sighed and sat on the bed . Loki took that as a no . " Pepper keeps trying to get me to cry on her shoulder . " " That sounds … bothersome . " " You have no idea . " He rubbed his face . " But she 's right . I just … don 't know what to say . " " The famous Tony Stark not knowing what to say . That 's new . " Tony grinned up at him . " Now that sounds like a challenge . " " Well , then it is . " Loki moved to sit next to him , amused when Tony looked impressed . " We can talk about it later . I promise . " Loki nodded . " Sounds good . " Tony stood suddenly , pacing away as he promptly changed the subject . " Natasha likes to stay warm , so I stuck her and Clint in the small room on the end . They can curl up together or something . " " They sleep together ? " " I 've seen them fall asleep on each other . " " Interesting . " Maybe they would get together after all . " Your brother iNotes : Tony leaned on a tree as he watched Loki laze on a bench in the park . He would have looked the image of serenity if not for the crowd . Tony glanced around at the people talking loudly , milling around as they waited for the event to begin . The event in question was a large scavenger hunt for the high school students that Stark Industries was sponsoring . He wasn 't allowed to participate because of this . Not that he minded , he thought as his gaze settled on Loki again . Tony grinned . " Don 't worry , Reindeer Games . Once this is all over and Bruce has won , he and Steve will go off to make out , as will Clint and Natasha . Then we shall have the peace we 've been working toward . " " Which we can then destroy , " Loki said , tapping his fingertips together as Tony laughed . " Glad we 're on the same page . " Tony began walking toward the stage , Loki beside him . " Not sure they 'll enjoy our brand of humor , though . " " Everyone ready ? " he asked his friends . Clint nodded as Natasha shrugged . They were on a team with Bruce and Steve , who were trying to psyche themselves up , off to the side . Just past them , Tony caught sight of Pepper and her team . Somehow she had gotten Darcy and Maria on her team , along with a girl whose name he couldn 't quite place . He 'd dated her a while back , and she 'd interviewed him for the school paper at the time , but he was horrible with names so he didn 't bother thinking about it . He turned to see Coulson at his side , motioning him to follow . With a grin , he raised a hand at his friends to bid them farewell and followed Coulson to the side of the stage . There , he waited , his leg bouncing . Anticipation was always a bit annoying . It wasn 't long before he was introduced and jumped up on stage to greet everyone . He was a bit of a celebrity ( he could admit ) , but not as much as his father had been . It would be difficult living up to the legend , but with his ability to speak in public , he had a feeling he 'd do just fine . " Nope ! " He smiled when Loki frowned at him . " It 's riddles . They can 't use phones or anything . They have to figure it out themselves . " " At night , they come without being fetched . By day they are lost without being stolen . What are they ? " Tony recited as the teams went quiet . Tony smiled . " The person who makes it sells it . The person who buys it never uses it , and the person who uses it doesn 't know they are . What is it ? " " Oh , yeah . He liked sponsoring events for kids . " Tony sighed as he thought back . " He was a bit cold when I was younger , pushing me in school and stuff . He got really busy with the company and didn 't think that maybe he should spend time with his own kid instead of doing all of that work junk . " He waved his hand carelessly . " It wasn 't until after we met Bruce 's family that he and I started spending time together more . He had to make up time for letting me become a bully after all . " " I got it ! " Bruce said and suddenly ran off to give their answer . He returned out of breath with a paper stating the next location . " It 's a bookkeeper . The library on main is the next spot . " Tony stopped . " Terrified , " he admitted . " But I can 't let that keep me from doing what I want to do . By the way , thank you . " The two lingered by a water fountain as they watched the teams scrambling around the area , their friends heading toward a restaurant . Tony was rather glad he couldn 't be on the team . Rushing around for a prize wasn 't really his style . He 'd just go buy himself one if he wanted . " Technically , I don 't know the answers , " Tony said with a little shrug . " Besides , I don 't give out the prize . I was just there to show we were sponsoring . " " And look how well they 're working together . " Tony nodded at them and sat on the edge of the fountain . " I like that quote , the one where it 's not about the destination , but the journey itself . " Oh my god , you guys . I am so sorry this took so long to post , especially being as short as it is = ___ = I just never had time to sit down and write it and then things got crazy and then I participated in GISHWHES ( which was an amazing experience ! ) and then work . . . Anyway , I just want to thank all of you for the kudos and bookmarks and just generally for taking the time to read this . It 's been fun to write : D |
" Chad , " Amy had said with that look on her face like she 'd just eaten something sour . He knew it meant she needed to say something that might hurt his feelings and she didn 't want to say it . He could guess what it was . As soon as they had arrived back in the prime dimension , Amy had signed up for summer school , a freshman political science class . Chad thought he would just relax until he had to focus on high school classes , but here it was only mid June and he was already bored with sleeping in late , watching TV , and imagining he was back in the dimensions . In the dimensions he knew what was important and his ' love ' had a purpose ; to save Amy from the Cloud Side and get her back home . Chad reclined in the family room , a bowl of cereal balanced on his chest , and watched 1980 's sitcom reruns . He almost spilled his frosted flakes when he heard the front door open and he tried to look at his watch . His mother had found a part time job and worked most days , from 9 am to 1 pm . " Huh , " Chad said , confused . " I didn 't think we 'd see you for another year . That 's what you said when you left for Afghanistan , wasn 't it ? " " Yeah , " Mike said . " I can 't really say much about it , right now , but the Army made a deal with me . If I extended my enlistment for two years , I could come back stateside and be a drill sergeant until my time is up . My school doesn 't start for another three weeks , so I have some time to hang out here and relax . " " Do you need to go to bed , now ? " Chad asked . " Afghanistan 's like the other side of the world . It would be the middle of the night there . " " Actually , " Mike said , fishing in his pocket for his wrist watch . The strap was broken and he turned it over to look at the time . " I spent the last month in Washington , D . C . at Walter Reed Army Medical Center . It 's only a few hours different . " Mike came out wearing the same clothes Chad remembered him wearing before he joined the army , except now , they didn 't seem like they were his anymore . It was more like the clothes were wearing him . He belonged in them , but they didn 't fit . They were tight across the shoulders , yet they hung on him like an old memory , vague and out dated . Chad 's mother was just as surprised to see Mike as he had been . She did hug him , though . She wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his neck . She didn 't let go for a long time and when she did , they left Chad to go speak privately in her room . When they came out , Mike was still solemn and his mother had an artificial ' everything is going to be alright ' smile on her face , but worry remained in her eyes . Mike dropped onto the couch in the front room . The worn sofa faced the large front window looking out onto the street . " Do you want to go do something ? " Chad asked , feeling off balance . His older brother had always been spontaneous and happy before he went away , always wanting to be up and doing something . " Are there any old friends you want to go visit ? " " I don 't know , " Mike said . " I guess because I never met mine , and your 's walked out when I was only six , I was just never too impressed with dads and if you 're going to hate them , might as well combine them into one . It makes it more efficient . Why ? How 'd you find out ? " " Ok , I guess , " Chad said . " He didn 't recognize me at first . Then he started asking questions about mom . That 's when he told me he was my father . He said I look like her . " Chad was stunned . How should he answer that ? " Well , Mike , you see I was in this other dimension and my dad turned out to be this grand inquisitor who tortured people to get information from them . . . . " " I was with a friend and we were at her friends house , " Chad said . It sounded totally stupid in his own ears . What was Mike thinking . " And this guy comes in looking for us . Well , not for us , really , but in the house , and he has this friend who was tall and weird , and . . . " Chad trailed off , confused by his own story . Mike stared at him , his cold blue eyes calculating . He asked Chad , " So what did you think of him ? Was he a jerk ? " " Worse , " Chad said before he thought about it . Why was he being so stupid . He had to think before he spoke , but then , he sounded totally fake . " Well , he was at first . But then I spent some time with him , and I kind of like him . " That was all true . He 'd shared everything his father had told him and done for him in the dimensions , and that was the end of it . His mother had never asked anything more about her husband . It had only been a month since Chad 's quick trip through the dimensions , maybe reality hadn 't caught up with her yet . Or maybe it had . After all , her husband was still alive , after what , fourteen years since he disappeared without a word . It could take a while to get used to that idea . While Chad thought , Mike slipped back into his mood , his eyes unfocused on nothing outside the window . He hated seeing his brother this way . He 'd always been so full of energy ; everything was an adventure . When Mike had declared to him and his mother that he was joining the army , Chad had figured it was for the adventure , that and taking the responsibility for his care off his mother 's limited hands . But he 'd also been unusually patriotic . He was only a cub scout when the terrorists had flown into the World Trade Center , but even at that age , he 'd planted a flag on their front lawn and set up lights to shine on it through the night . So when he announced that he wanted to serve his country right out of high school , no one was really surprised . " I 'm sure there 's a ton I have to learn , " Mike said . " I trained as an infantry soldier . I can tell you anything about the weapons I fired , battle field tactics or the responsibilities of any of the details I worked on . But I think drill sergeant school is more about learning how to teach and developing that special attitude a drill sergeant needs . " " No , " Mike said . " My drill sergeants weren 't mean , and one of them hardly ever shouted . But they have an aura about them , like a higher level of military bearing . Maybe it 's confidence , maybe it 's something else . They say most people going into drill sergeant school don 't want to go there . They don 't usually ask you if you want to be a drill sergeant , they just send you orders . But by the time they come out it 's their whole world . " Mike was quiet for a while , but not looking out the window . He looked at the floor , then at his hands . He looked back at Chad and said , " No . I didn 't have to go . They gave me a choice . " Mike fished in his pockets and pulled out his key chain . Hanging with his old house key was a pair of fingernail clippers . Though his nails didn 't look like they needed it , Mike carefully clipped each nail . " I was a good solder , Chad , " Mike said as he evaluated the shiny silver clippers . " I did my job really well . The army recognizes when they have someone good , and they do what they can to keep them . " " Well , " Chad said with a shrug , " as long as you 're here , I 'll run every time you do , probably . School sports start two weeks before school does , so I 'll go check with the track coach in the middle of July to see what they have planned . Troy 's brother is in cross country . I guess I could call him too , to see what 's going on . " " No , " Chad said . He felt heat crawl up his neck and warm his cheeks as he thought about what Amy was to him , and how he couldn 't begin to explain their relationship to Mike . Feeling stupid he blushed like a love sick moron , caught out trying to keep a secret . Mike nodded with a knowing smile . " Well , " Chad said . " I like her . She 's my friend . She 's a girl . But we 're just friends , I guess . " " Tell you the truth , Bro , " Mike said in a tone Chad had never heard before , " that 's the best way to be . Keep it like that and you 'll stay friends . Get too serious , and it 'll all be over before you know it . " " No , Chad , " she said . " For being there for Mike today . The next few weeks are going to be tough for him , really tough . He doesn 't want any help . He thinks he 's too strong to need it . But he really does , and you 're helping whether you know it or not . " " He 's my brother , Mom , " Chad said . His own understanding came to him as he spoke . " Since I met Dad , and I fought for a cause , and defended a friend , I feel closer to Mike than ever before , even though he 's been gone for more than a year . At first , when I realized we had different fathers I felt strange , like he was someone other than I had always thought . And when he showed up today , I couldn 't keep that thought out of my mind . But when we were out running together I realized that he was more of a brother to me than so many of the other kids I know are with their brothers . Because it 's always been you , Mike and me . Just us three , two brothers and a mom . We will always be that , no matter who else shows up . " " Thank you again , Chad , " his mother said so softly he thought she must be speaking to herself . " Just keep being a brother , then . He 'll tell us what 's wrong when he 's ready . " Chad dreamed he was running by himself . It was night and there was no moon . Everything around him was foggy and shapes drifted past , unrecognizable . A dog barked far away and his feeling of dread grew . It barked again , much closer . The animal seemed to gain on him impossibly fast . The dog barked again , it was right behind him . He felt its hunger like a hot wind blowing up his back , its hate like sand , blasting him on the gale . Chad woke . A feeling of intense danger and dread still churned in the pit of his stomach . He swung his feet off the bed and felt the cool hardwood flooring beneath his bare feet . A parallelogram of moonlight highlighted the colors of the round throw rug on his floor in yellows and browns . His heartbeat finally slowed , yet the dreadful foreboding remained . Chad put his hand on the door knob to his brother 's room and hesitated . When his brother barked another command in the unknown language of sleep , Chad called through the door , " Mike . Are you ok ? " Chad opened the door . Moonlight from the window settled on his brother where he sat on the edge of his bed . His face buried in his hands , Mike wept . " Sorry , Chad . " Mike 's voice was rough from the shouting . " I don 't know if it 's because it 's so quiet in here , or what . I was dreaming . I don 't think I 've dreamed since I went into basic training . Sorry to bother you . " Chad pulled on his running shorts , grabbed his shoes and walked out to the living room . Cool morning air breezed in through the open front door . He could see Mike on the front lawn doing calisthenics . He tied his shoes quickly and joined his brother , imitating each exercise . Without talking they finished with some stretches and took off at an easy jog . Chad tried to match his brother 's stride and cadence as he seemed to be following a rhythm in his head . Half way through their run Mike told him they would be picking up the pace . He taught Chad a song they used to sing while running as a group to keep them together , maintain a consistent pace and pass the time . It was cruder and more violent than Chad had expected and just nodded and smiled instead of joining in with the song . As with the run that first morning , Chad fell into line with Mike 's daily schedule . During the day they worked on home repairs and landscaping the yard to require less maintenance in the future . They replaced most everything on their mother 's car that could be removed and checked ; all new plugs , wires , hoses , belts and brake parts . In the evening the three of them would settle in the family room and watch TV or sit in the living room , their mother studying a text book , Mike staring out the window , and Chad wondering what was going through his brother 's head . A week after Mike had come home , he and Chad sat in the living room . They were both worn out from some heavy yard work . Chad struggled to keep his head up while Mike stared intently out the dark window . He sounded angry , like he thought Chad was lying . Of course , what he 'd said sounded like a line cut out of the middle of a old movie . Chad just smiled , embarrassed he 'd said something he shouldn 't have , and too hard to explain . " I 'm sorry , Mike , " Chad said , " I shouldn 't have said anything . You really wouldn 't believe me anyway . Forget I said that . " " I need something to believe , Chad , " Mike said . " I need something to build back up onto . Even if it 's too weird to believe , even if it 's just fantasy . I 've lost everything I thought I had , or thought I knew . Tell me something new , something unbelievable . " " Ok , " Chad said mulling around in his head for a starting point . " There are different dimensions on earth . Ours is the prime dimension . A person crosses to these other dimensions by using sound to warp the borders into portals you can pass through . There is a war going on in these dimensions between the Star side , which are supposed to be the good guys and the Cloud side , which are the bad guys . " " That 's the thing , " Chad said , " when it comes down to it , the people in charge of the good guys seem as power hungry and deceptive as the bad guys . I got tricked into turning a friend over to the Cloud side , and had to go get her back . My father was one of the people who had her captive . " " Yeah , " Chad said , " I found out I had powers to travel these dimensions that I had inherited from my father . When he realized I was involved , that I had come into the dimensions , he backed out of his command and helped us get Amy out to the Star side . Once we got there , their Prime Minister tried to keep us all captive . I kind of made it clear to him I would be a pain in his butt if he didn 't let us all come back home . " " I didn 't think you 'd believe me , " Chad said . " I wish I hadn 't said anything . But anyway , I hate to see you sitting there in a trance . I 'd rather you thought I was an idiot than have you sit there like that . " " No , " he said so flatly Chad didn 't think Mike would continue . " I 'm not a hero . I 'm lucky , amazingly lucky . I 'm a killer . In fact , I 'm a really good killer . But not a hero . I have friends who are heroes . " " I wish I 'd gone to your fantasy world , instead of joining the army , " Mike said . " What was I thinking when I signed up ? That I would be protecting Americans from terrorists ? That people back home would live because I put my own life on the line ? That me and my buddies would charge into the fray with courage and topple the evil empire which is oppressing innocent people ? " " Yeah , but who are they ? " Mike asked . " They don 't wear a hat with a big red letter ' T ' on it . They all look the same . The whole time I was there , I didn 't know who were the good guys and who were the bad guys . Sure , we were told , ' This guy is on our side , ' or ' this group of people are bad and you need to go kill them . But they all look the same . If they don 't know you 're there with cross hairs lined up to shoot them through the head , they talk and laugh and smile and drink coffee with their friends , just like the good guys , just like us . " Mike coughed and wiped his face . " You forget that , Chad , you know , after a few weeks or months . You forget that they 're real people . They 're the enemy . They hate you and you hate them . They 're like wax dummies on a thrill ride , or zombies in a video game . They 're going to jump out and scare you , and you blow their heads off and laugh , because they 're not human anymore and you just won the prize or got a new high score . " Mike was pale . Sweat beaded on his fore head and across his cheek bones . Though he stared at the night - blackened window , the safety of the family living room mirrored back at them , Mike saw visions from thousands of miles away . " I killed who I was told to kill , " Mike whispered . " I killed men with guns and men without guns that I was told were coming to get me . I killed women , their faces shrouded as their culture required , who carried weapons and ammo for the men . But what else did they carry ? What was strapped onto their backs ? Was it food ? Was it explosives , or was there a baby in a sling beneath their robs ? Did I kill children ? Babies ? I don 't know . I 've watched the videos over and over to see if I could tell where my bullets hit . " " Huh , " Mike grunted . " Yeah , we all took them . Most guys have helmet cameras and take videos , but I don 't need to watch them anymore . The pictures are in my head , they 'll always be there now . " " You don 't know how it is to be constantly on , " Mike said , wiping sweat from his face . " Every minute of every day , knowing there could be a bullet aimed at your head and you 'd never know it until it was over . I lost more friends in the last six months than I ever even had growing up . There was one girl , Ortega , we flew over there together , " " Judy . No , Judy , " Mike shouted out at the front lawn , past his mother 's legs . He spun around to a sitting position and leaned against the wall , head tipped back , sobbing , " Judy . No , Judy , no , Judy . " Their mother knelt next to her son and pulled his head over to rest it on her stomach . She ran her fingers through his short blonde hair and whispered to him , " Mike . You 're home . It 's me , Mike . Your mother . You 're home . I 'm sorry , Judy 's gone . I 'm sorry , Mike . " " I 'm sorry , Mom , " Chad said and walked to stand by her . " We were just talking about experiences and he told me about Afghanistan . He was just telling me about . . . . " " I figured , " his mother said with a knowing nod . " It 's not your fault , Chad . He wanted to share it with you , but was afraid he would break down . The time must have felt right to him . Now it 's in the open , maybe he 'll let you help him deal with it . " They took off in the direction of the old park . As they ran past the junior high school Chad eyed the far side of the baseball diamond where the creek wound through the valley oaks , and a portal once opened an entrance into the dimensions for him . They crossed the bridge over the creek and headed on toward the community park . " It all feels so safe here , " Mike said as they began their loop through the park in the shade of the giant , old trees . " I 'm sure there 's a drug dealer here somewhere , a street gang waiting to spray some graffiti , or something . There always were before , but that 's nothing . I don 't feel like someone is going to drive up and blow up the neighborhood or start shooting from the top of a building or hilltop . It 's that tension that makes you crazy . " Chad didn 't want to interrupt , or say anything that might cause Mike to freak out this far from home , though he seemed relaxed and unlikely to go off the deep end again . But he really wanted to hear more . He thought he would better understand what was happening to his brother and maybe learn how he could help . " The news has made a big deal about some things that have been going on over there , " Mike said . " I know it sounds extreme , here , where everything is safe , and if there 's a strange noise at night , you can just call the police , and in four or five hours they 'll show up to tell you it was nothing . But over there , Chad . There 's a reason why soldiers pee on enemy corpses , or act stupid with dismembered body parts . It 's the constant , unending , unrelenting stress . It 's the absolute insecurity of not knowing friend from enemy , of not knowing if that bullet with your name on it was already on its way to your skull at that very second . " They ran in silence for another mile before Mike continued , " don 't get me wrong . I don 't agree with that kind of behavior . I think , that dead guy there , he was once alive like me and had thoughts and feelings . It 's disrespectful . But I see why they do it . It 's all the anger at losing friends , at losing what was once yourself , your ideals and your innocence . I think , maybe , if I was still there , after Judy . . . . . " Chad thought he was done , maybe hoped he was done , but Mike continued , " if I was still over there , after Judy was killed , maybe I 'd do that kind of thing , too . She didn 't deserve to die . She wasn 't in combat . She worked in the orderly room , in personnel . Why 'd they hit the orderly room ? In the middle of the day ? " There was no answer Chad could give , so he said nothing . They were almost home , only a mile to go , as they ran toward the high school and passed Amy 's street . As they crossed the side street Chad rubber necked to see if anything was going on at her house . " Oh . " Chad didn 't realize he 'd been so obvious . " That was Amy 's house back there . She should be at summer school . I was just trying to see if anything was going on at her house . " " I 'm glad to know I was entertaining , " Chad muttered . " Oh , shoot . There 's Amy now . She should still be in class . " " Well , " he mumbled , " I guess I wasn 't really thinking when I told him about it . But , then , I really didn 't think he would run up and tell you about it . And I think until you had that shocked look on your face , he thought it was all made up . " " Nope , Mike , " Chad shot in . " I really made the whole thing up . I was just trying to impress you , or something . Come on , Mike . We need to get going . I 'll call you later , Amy . " " The short version , " Chad said , " is that Amy is some kind of inter dimensional princess . She has some prophesied job to do uniting the cloud side and the star side . I am , apparently , her champion , her protector . The truth is , she 's almost the most powerful person in the dimensions because she can make anyone do what she wants them to do . But she 's too kind . She would never force anyone to do something they wouldn 't want to do , even if that is just to leave her alone . As her champion , I have the ability to take any power or energy that is used against her , or me , in any way , multiply it and throw it back where it came from . " " It would be better for everyone if you didn 't believe it , " Chad said . " I don 't know why I felt I had to tell you about it ; I always tell you things I should keep to myself . Mom knows all about it . She didn 't want me to go . " " Yeah , " Chad laughed , " She was standing with the Sniders , Amy 's family , when I went through the first portal . She saw me disappear . Then I called her on your cell phone . Like I said , it 's a long story . " " No , " Mike said , putting his spoon down in the empty bowl . " I want to hear it . What did you do , go charging in like a knight in shining armor , kill some dragons and rescue the princess ? " " Now you 're being a jerk , " Chad said . " I don 't care if you don 't believe me , and to be really honest with you , the whole time I was there , I felt confused and out of place . I didn 't know where I was going , how to find Amy and what I would need to do if I did find her . When I think about it , it 's kind of like this last week since you 've been home . " " I don 't know , " Chad began , " It 's like , sometimes I walk out here and you 're sitting there on the couch and I don 't know how to get to you . Your body 's there , but your mind 's not . So I wander around , around the house , around my memories of things we did together before you left , and I try and find ways to get through your blank stare to who 's inside . Once , you came back when I grilled a cheese sandwich , once ' after I mowed the front lawn , but for the most part , you 're somewhere else . " " I know I can 't understand what you 're going through , Mike , " Chad said " because I 'm the luckiest guy in the whole world , in all the dimensions of this world , if you want . I sold my best friend to people who wanted to use her and destroy her . I 'm lucky because I was able to go get her back . At the same time I made new friends ; Amanda , Felipe and Marie , and we all got out to safety , even my father , I think . " " I 'm sorry , Chad , " Mike said clarity returning to his eyes . " I 'll try . I 'll try and stay here . I didn 't realize I was making it so hard for you and Mom . " " Last night was a whopper , Mike , " Chad said , " I thought maybe you were getting radio mesages or something telling you we were getting invaded . That any minute tanks would be rolling down our street or we would get strafed by enemy jets . Then it hit me what was really happening and I felt just as lost as I would if a terrorist stepped through the front door instead of Mom . " " Sorry , " Mike said , " as soon as I start to think about it , my mind just flows into the memory , like I 'm caught in a strong river current and I can 't even swim to the sides . I just have to go where it takes me . And every time , it takes me back to that explosion . It woke me up . " I 'm on my cot in the barracks and the explosion knocks the glass out of the window and throws me onto the ground . I 'm scrambling to the door , all sense gone . I 'm in my under ware . That 's how confused I am , I don 't think to put on a pair of pants . I think it 's the barracks that were attacked . Instead , when I peer out the front door , my feet , knees and hands bleeding from the broken glass I crawled through , I don 't feel the cuts , all I feel is a hole through the middle of my chest as the orderly room across the parade ground smolders , in ruins from a car bomb . Specialist Four , Judith Ortega had been at work when the bomb went off . " " That was four months ago , " he said . " And though I was in counseling for two months over there , and a month back here , I 've never been able to say that out loud . Judy 's dead . I said it last night and something opened up , the scab got scraped off a big sore and it stung like a sonofabitch , but it was like I only just realized the sore had been there at all . " A lot of the guys got angrier after the car bomb , for friends they lost . Some acted like nothing had happened and went on living and fighting as they had always done . The first Sergeant , the XO , and Judy , they were just more casualties of the war . But me , I stopped . My brain stopped ; my body stopped . They picked me up from the doorway to our barracks and took me to the hospital . I was there until they sent me to Walter Reid . But it took coming home to really bring me back . " " No , " Mike said , " they do . They just wanted to see if my mind would straighten out first . If it doesn 't they 'll give me a medical discharge . But I don 't want to get out . I like being in the army , so if I can go help young soldiers be a little better prepared for the reality of war , than what I was , that will make my experiences a little more worthwhile . They said when I think I 'm ready to have another mental health exam , I can call Travis Air Force base . If I pass it , they 'd send me on to Ft . Jackson for Drill School . " " I 'll know , " Mike said , " and I think you 'll know , too . But right now , I think we need to go back packing for a few days . Let 's get our stuff together and go tomorrow . If we work hard , we could try climbing Mr . Lyle in Yosemite and be back home by Saturday . " Chad smiled . He was going to enjoy the next few days with his brother . He would have to . Chad had the feeling Mike would be gone within a few days of returning . Gone to Ft . Jackson . The NovelThe Price of Friendship started in the May of 2009 with the prompt week # 54 from Jeff Hite 's prompt based creative writing podcast . The prompt was " A pound of flesh " from the Merchant of Venice . I had been writing for about five months , hadn 't attended any writers meetup groups , hadn 't taken any classes and had very little feedback from anybody and jumped in like I normally did . I just started writing . Some call it organic , some call it rambling , but where I started and where I ended were two completely different places . I expected to go about four weeks , using the prompts from Jeff and finishing with about 6000 words and Amy rolling her eyes at Chad , gasping , " Boys ! " and walking away , shaking her head . I continued writing an episode , on and off for the rest of the year and had gotten to about six or seven episodes by the end of the year . Justin , the space turtle , Lowmaster told me I should do an episode a month for the " Podcasting for Compassion " podcast to support Compassion International in 2010 . I started by rewriting my first few episodes and added a few more , one month at a time . When I did Nanowrimo that year and hit 50 , 000 words in 16 days , I realized that I had been wasting time and dragging my feet on the Price of Friendship , which stood at about 20k words at that time . That if I concentrated in a Nanowrimo way , I could knock The Price out in January . Long story longer , it took me a few months , and each time I learned something new in a class or from an editor , I went back and rewrote the whole thing again . In the end , I realized I will never be done editing or rewriting , and that I should just get this one out and move on to the next . So , for the next six weeks , I will be finishing recording and editing and putting this book on Podiobooks . com ( A dream I had since first listening to Nathan Lowell 's Share books , in September of 2008 ) If you like it , leave me some feedback . If you don 't , that 's ok , and if it is constructive , leave that feedback , too . Thanks , Philip ' Norvaljoe ' CarrollJanuary 2012 I have been married for 30 years . Jan is my wife , she is from Rhodesia . Lisa , my oldest child , is married to Bret and their kids are Lorelai and Kent . Bekah and Desmond are my younger children . Both joined our family by adoption and are currently 10 and 8 years old . Desmond has autism . |
Allan sighed , waiting for Gisborne in the forest , near a hollow tree . " He should be back , by now , " he said under his breath , beginning to worry . He sat under the tree and listened carefully , hoping to hear the clop of horse 's hooves on the path . After a while his patience was rewarded and a masked horseman appeared between the trees . Allan stood up to take the reins of the horse while the other man dismounted . " It 's almost sunset ! I was beginning to think that you were dead . " Guy removed his mask and the scarf that covered his face and pushed back the hood of his cloak with a sigh of relief . The days were beginning to be warm and he was sweating under his costume , so he opened the clasp of the cloak and handed it to Allan . " Why should I be dead ? " " The forest is a dangerous place , there are outlaws and they are ready to kill . You know that very well . " Guy touched his side , where the scar of a big cut still bothered him a little . " That 's the point of the Nightwatchman being here : to make this place safe for the people who have to travel through the forest . " " You shouldn 't go alone . Last time they almost killed you . " " Last time I wasn 't alone , remember ? You were with me , and they took us by surprise . It won 't happen again . " While talking , Guy changed his clothes , and Allan hid the Nightwatchman 's costume inside the hollow tree , then they swapped their horses , Guy mounting on the black stallion and Allan taking the plain bay one used by the Nightwatchman . Allan stifled a sigh : he knew that sooner or later Gisborne was going to get himself in trouble . " Did you find any outlaws ? " " No , but I saw Hood . He had his bow and he was hidden behind a tree near the road . I think that he was keeping the travelers safe too . " " Did he see you ? " " Almost . " " Almost ? What do you mean ? " " I think he heard me and he shot an arrow in my direction , but I was quick to drop to the ground . I didn 't move for a while , then I crept away without being noticed . " " Someday you 'll end up dead , Giz . " Chapter 2 : As Silent as the Flight of an Owl , as Swift as a Fox Not trusting him , Robin had questioned the peasants of Gisborne 's lands about their new master , but they had no complaints about him . They told Robin that he administered his lands fairly and that their crops had improved during the last months thanks to his advice . The rebuilding of his manor gave work to many men and they earned good wages from it , so they were happy that Gisborne was back . The ones who remembered the old times were more cautious on what they said , but they couldn 't speak ill of him and they hoped that he had really changed . He was startled when something hit the straw of the roof , landing near his feet . He noted that it was an apple and he looked down in the street to see who had thrown it . He met Gisborne 's eyes . Guy was eating another apple and he waved at Robin . " I just need a horse for my wagon and I already spotted a couple of them that seem fine . I 'll check them later , now we were going to eat something . Care to join us ? " " As long as you don 't get us in trouble . No more tricks or cheating . If you get arrested I 'll leave you in the dungeons , this time . " " I 'd have answered if only you two didn 't start bickering . It 's not a secret or a mystery : I was just keeping people safe . There are a lot of outlaws and thieves in Nottingham , especially when it 's market day . " " And there are rumors that I want to find out for certain . People talks of a mysterious masked man who wanders in the forest , as silent as the flight of an owl and as swift as a fox . Maybe it 's just the prattle of a drunken man , but it could be another outlaw . " " I 'm positive that I won 't need any help . " Robin said . He had been about to say ' Gisborne 's help ' , but he corrected himself in time . " Giz , I think that we should stop , " Allan said , worried , but he kept following Gisborne through the forest . " I will take my mare back . I won 't let that masked outlaw to rob me and mar the Nightwatchman reputation . " " Tell me , Giz , how exactly us getting killed will help you stopping that man ? " " We won 't get killed . " " Do you think it 's wise to hunt for him like this ? We are just two and we don 't know how many accomplices he might have . " Guy knew that Allan had a point , but he kept pursuing the masked outlaw , following the traces of the stolen horses . " I 'm not going back home without my mare . If you are afraid , you can go . " Allan huffed . " As if this is the first time I follow you in some foolish enterprise . No Giz , if you 're going to get yourself killed I 'll be at your side . And I expect that you 'll use your last breath to admit that I was right . " Guy grinned . " Admit that you missed our adventures too . " " Maybe . But why aren 't you using your costume ? Aren 't you afraid that the outlaw could target you if you force him to give you back your horse ? " " Well I couldn 't claim that I own that mare if I 'm wearing the Nightwatchman costume , don 't you think ? And I plan to arrest that man too . " " Like you captured Robin Hood many years ago ? " Guy glared at him . " It 's different ! Hood is clever and now I 'm not burdened by the incompetents guards of Nottingham . " " Sure . If we fail , we 'll fail on our own . " " We will not fail . " " I hope you are right , Giz . " Guy halted the horse and dismounted to examine closely a set of hoofprints , slightly different from the other . He put a finger to his lips to tell Allan to be quiet , then he tied his horse to a bush and he resumed the pursuit on foot . Gisborne ran through the trees , as silently as he could , while Allan waited with the horses , ready to intervene if Guy called for him . The traces he was following lead Guy on a separate path and , after a while , he spotted a man who was riding a horse through the trees . He had his face Chapter 4 : Not Good at Wooing Marian sighed , contentedly : it was the first time she went away from Locksley after Mary 's birth and she was happy to spend some time with Robin . The children were in their rooms at the castle with Hannah and the wet nurse , so Robin and Marian were free to enjoy the celebrations for the return of the sheriff 's daughter . Lady Rowena never married and she had spent many years in a convent , but now she was back at the castle to live with her parents . " Is she a nun ? " Marian asked , and Robin shook his head . " No , she 's about your age and she lived with the nuns , but she never took her vows . " " Is she pretty ? " Robin grinned . " Why , are you jealous ? " Marian laughed . " No , silly , I was wondering if she could be a good match for Guy . " Robin raised his eyebrows . " Are you trying to search a wife for Gisborne ? " " Why not ? He wants a family , so he has to find the right woman for him and if we can we must help him . " Robin looked at her , a little jealous . " You care a lot for him , don 't you ? " " He 's a good man and we are friends . He gave up his love for me and he let me to be happy with you , now I want him to have a loving family too . Can 't you see how happy he is when our children want to play with him ? " Robbin nodded . He knew that Marian was right . " Well , he 'll have a good chance to find a suitable bride tonight . The sheriff invited a lot of nobles and I know that many of them took their unmarried daughters with them , hoping to find a good husband for them . " " Do you think they 'll want Guy as a husband for their daughters ? " " Gisborne isn 't young , but he 's a noble and he and Allan earned a little fortune during their travels . He wanted to buy his lands from me for a very good price when he came back to Nottingham . " Marian smiled , happy , and she looked at Robin . " Tell me , husband , with all these pretty girls here at the castle , will you end up thinking that I 'm old and that my beauty has faded ? " Robin put a hand on her waist , searching her eyes . " Your beauty will never fade for me . You 're my love , the mChapter 5 : Not For You Marian hurried to reach Robin , worried . A page came with a message from her husband , earlier , and Robin asked her to reach him at the stables . She wondered why and if something bad happened to him . When she arrived , she was surprised to see that Guy was there too . The knight was sitting on a hay bale and he looked pale and somber . A woman was sitting on another bale , with a young boy near her , while Robin was standing and pacing between them . " Robin ! " Marian called , and she could see relief in both his and Guy 's eyes . " What happened ? What are you doing here ? " " She 's Annie , " Robin said " and the boy is Seth . " Marian remembered the gossips of the ladies and understood immediately , but before she could say anything , Guy spoke . " He 's my son . " " You lost the right to call him son when you left him to die in the forest ! " Annie yelled and Guy glared at her . " I already explained what happened , woman ! I agreed that he was to be raised at the abbey and I ordered my men to take him there , but my guards ran away with the money and abandoned him . " " You didn 't care to rescue him , did you ? ! " " Hood already found him , what could I do ? " Guy looked at Annie and he blushed a little . " And I admit that at the time I didn 't worry too much . He was safe and if Hood could take care for him , it suited me too . " " Monster ! You made me believe that you loved me ! That you were happy that I gave you a son ! " " I cared for you ! But you always knew that we couldn 't have a future together . I didn 't lie on this . " Annie shook her head with a sigh . " I know . But yet I hoped . . . " " What ? To be my mistress forever and give birth to more children that I could not legitimate ? If Vaisey knew about him , or if he suspected that you weren 't just the adventure of a few nights , you would have been in danger . When Hood sent you both away from Nottingham , I was relieved . Even if I could never know my son . " " I am here , now . " The adults looked at Seth , startled . The boy had been quiet , looking at the father he had always believed Chapter 6 : Horses " What happened to you ? " Marian caressed Robin 's face , carefully touching one of the bruises he had on his body . Robin stretched his back and he smiled at his wife . " I almost caught the masked thief , but we fought and he ran away . " " Really ? What was he doing ? Did he try to steal more horses ? " " No . It 's strange , actually . " " Why ? " " He shot an arrow to one of the houses of Clun , and there was a little bag of money attached to it . That family was about to lose their house because they couldn 't pay the taxes , I was thinking to help them , but it seems that the masked thief already did . " Marian gave a worried look at Robin : she knew that Guy was using the Nightwatchman costume to help people and she thought that Robin might have seen him and not the real thief . " You should be more careful , then . Maybe he 's just trying to help the poor , like you did once . " " Maybe , but now it 's all different : the sheriff isn 't evil , he tries to help people who can 't pay their taxes . And this thief didn 't rob just the rich or people who deserved it . The horse merchant was almost ruined after he lose all his horses . Luckily the guards of the castle were able to find most of the stolen horses hidden in an abandoned barn not too far from Nettlestone . " Marian nodded . She knew that there were two masked men , the Nightwatchman and the mysterious thief , and she had to find a way to keep Guy safe without betraying his secret . " What I meant is that you should try to capture that man without harming him . Maybe he is not bad and he just chose a wrong way to do a right thing . " " You 're always so wise , wife of mine , " Robin said , hugging her and kissing the soft skin of her neck , then he stepped back with a sigh and continued to dress himself " I wish I could stay with you today , but I have to go to Locksley . Two of the peasants are fighting over the ownership of a donkey and I have to go and sort the things out before they hurt themselves . If I want to come back for the sheriff 's banquet , and I have to , I must hurry . " MarianChapter 7 : Dungeons " Look at him , it 's a shame . A man like that shouldn 't be allowed in the castle , " Alice Glasson said , looking at Guy of Gisborne , who was in the courtyard , surrounded by Robin of Locksley 's children , and Seth . " I tried to talk to my father , " Lady Rowena said , with disdain " but he said that Gisborne did nothing wrong since he came back to England and that he can 't judge him for what he did in the past . " " I heard that he used to cut tongues of the peasants when he worked for the old sheriff . . . " Rosemary of York whispered and the other two girls shuddered in horror . " Who told you ? " " An old servant . She used to live in Locksley when he usurped the manor and she remembers him very well . He tried to force lady Marian to marry him and when she left him at the altar he burned her house . . . " " And I 've seen what he did to Annie , " Alice said . " I remember that she often cried for the shame of being alone with a child who was born out of wedlock . Sometimes she told me that I should never trust men because they take what they want and then they abandon you . " " I wonder why lady Marian tries to defend him . " " Maybe they were lovers . " Rowena hinted with a grin . " And maybe they still are , " Rosemary added . The three girls shook their heads in disapproval . " It 's really a shame . He ought to be punished for his deeds . " " Well , my father is too lenient to do it , but we might , " Rowena affirmed , with a nod . Her friends looked at her with interest . " What do you mean ? " " If you help me , we can give him a lesson . " Katerine waved Guy goodbye before running to her father 's side and taking his hand . Richard took the other one , while Edward already took his favorite place on Robin 's shoulders . Seth gave a little squeeze to Guy 's hand before letting it go with a shy smile . " I liked your story , father , and I 'm happy that neither you nor Allan got hurt when you fell in that river . " Guy smiled and he caressed briefly Seth 's hair . " I 'm glad we survived too . Now go , your mother is waiChapter 8 : A Wolf and His Cub Robin sat on a bench , just outside the door of the infirmary and he stared at the floor . He still had a hand on Gisborne 's arm , but Guy didn 't seem to notice it : he was sitting near Robin , with his face buried in his hands and he didn 't move . Robin could feel him shiver every now and again . " What did you do ? ! I knew that I shouldn 't have trusted you ! If he dies , I 'll kill you , Guy of Gisborne ! " Annie shook her head in disbelief . Robin always hated Gisborne , but now he was defending him , could it be that Guy was really innocent this time ? She looked at him and she suddenly realized how upset he was : he was pale and disheveled and his hands were bleeding . Annie though that he must have touched his face with his bloodied fingers because his cheeks were smeared with blood . " I 'm sorry , Annie … I 'm so sorry … I couldn 't protect him . . . " Guy 's voice was little more than a whisper , as if he was ill and she thought that she had never seen him so scared and frightened , not even when he searched her comfort after the old sheriff punished or humiliated him . " Seth is all my life , he 's my joy and my pride … If he … If . . . " She stopped , unable to express her worst fear aloud and she sobbed , hiding her face in her hands . " I know . Me too . " He kissed the top of her head . " But you have been brave and you really helped him , maybe you saved his life . " " I guess he will give us an explanation later , when he 'll be calmer and reassured about Seth 's conditions . " Marian sighed . " I want to see the kids , now . " " He is sleeping now , and your hands are dirty , sir . Those wounds will become infected and you could lose an arm or die . Sit there and let me tend to your wounds while the child gets his rest . " " He 's your son and you seem strong enough , sir . You both are of a hefty kind , I think . Give him some time to heal and he 'll do just fine . " " Mother ! Why am I in bed ? " he asked , a little confused , then he seemed to remember something and he looked at her , alarmed " Mother ! We must call for help ! Father is trapped in the dungeons , maybe he 's hurt ! " " You 're right , it 's revolting . But it works . Look . " he lifted the shirt to show the scar on his belly to Seth and the child touched it with his left hand , impressed . " Yes , it hurt a lot , ask Robin of Locksley if you don 't believe me . I 've been very ill and I could have died , but that foul remedy helped a lot . The pain lessened and the fever didn 't kill me . I think you should drink it . " " I do . I know that in the past I wronged both of you , but now I really wish I can be a good father for him . . . " he sighed " But I couldn 't protect him , today . . . I 'm so sorry . . . " " And that child fell from the stairs ? Poor thing . " Lady Rowena looked at Marian 's dress , shocked by the amount of blood that stained it . " Will he survive ? " " I know Gisborne very well and he 's not a liar . When Marian and I found him , he was actually trapped in a cell . If he says that you closed him in the dungeons , I 'm inclined to think that it 's true . " " So you would believe to the words of a criminal like him ? I know what he did , he should have been hanged like sheriff Vaizey ! He should be rotting in a dungeon ! " " Seth risked to die because of you ! He was searching for me and he fell down the stairs because you took away all the torches to leave me in the dark ! You could have killed my son ! " " The same son you had with a kitchen wench and who you tried to kill , abandoning him in the forest ? ! I know what you did ! I know how black is your soul ! " " Ah ! A lady ! Maybe that 's the problem . She 's not a lady ! " Guy said sarcastically " A witch , more likely ! I do not wonder that you are still unmarried at your age and I bet that you are back to your parent 's home because they kicked you out of the convent ! " " Go or I 'll have my guards to escort you ! " Lord Arthur turned to face Gisborne " You tried to harm my daughter and this is a serious crime , whatever reason you could have . You 'll be flogged and then you 'll leave the castle . " " I came here to celebrate your daughter 's return . Now I see that there is nothing to celebrate , so I can as well go home ! " Guy said , in spite . " No . The sheriff has been soft with his punishment . He could have decided to hang Gisborne or to let him rot in the dungeons until he dies , I 'm afraid that he 'll have to endure this flogging . " Robin looked at her for a while , thinking , then he caressed her cheek to comfort her . When Marian was so protective of Gisborne he couldn 't help being jealous , but he was also feeling sympathetic with him . If his kids should risk their lives for somebody 's fault , he would become even more dangerous than Gisborne , so he could understand his rage perfectly well . " Can we come with you ? I will work hard to earn our stay , but if lady Alice Glasson had a part in what happened to Seth , I can 't work for her family anymore . And if we stay at the castle , Seth would be sad if Guy can 't come to see him . " " Ten ! " the sheriff said , and the guard used the whip for the last time . Guy howled in pain and he leaned heavily on the gallows ' pole where he had been tied . The sheriff looked at him . " I hope you learned this lesson , " he said , harshly . Gisborne raised his head a little . " She deserved it , " he growled . " One more . " The sheriff nodded at the guard and the man flogged Guy again . " You will apologize to my daughter . " " Never . " The sheriff looked at the guard . " Again . " Guy felt the taste of blood and he vaguely realized that he had bitten his tongue . He felt faint and he retched , but when the sheriff asked him again to apologize , he refused . " Seth could have been killed , " he wheezed . Robin rolled his eyes in exasperation . Shut up , stubborn idiot ! The next two lashes took Guy 's breath away and he didn 't have the strength to cry anymore . He went limp and if he wasn 't tied he would have dropped to the ground , but he still denied his apology . The sheriff was about to have him flogged again , when Robin stepped forward . " My lord sheriff , please stop ! I ask for your mercy ! " " He will apologize . " " He 'll do it , but not today . I know him well , right now he 'd rather get killed than give up . " " He might get what he wishes for ! " the sheriff said , sternly . " My lord , please ! " Lord Arthur looked at Gisborne , disgusted . " Take your friend and get him away from my sight . I don 't want to see him at the castle until he is ready to give a public apology to my daughter . " Robin didn 't reply that this was very unlikely , but he nodded and he went to free Guy . He cut the rope with a dagger and he held Guy up because he was too weak to stand on his own . He helped him to reach the wagon and he saw that there were two vehicles because Marian had found another one . She had filled its back with straw and she covered it with a blanket to make a sort of bed . The children , Mary 's nurse and their trunks were on the first wagon , while Annie was sitting in a corner of the second one with Seth , sleeping in her armsChapter Text " Look , Marian , I know him well . What happened at the castle hurt him and I 'm not talking about the flogging . The only other time when I saw him like that was when you told him that you loved Robin . He began riding away from the castle alone whenever he could and he detached from everything around him . The sheriff could yell at him for a whole morning and he just stood there with his arms crossed in front of him , but I 'm sure he didn 't listen a single word . That obviously enraged Vaisey even more , but Giz just didn 't care . Then , one day , he came to me and he said that he needed my help . The next thing I knew was that we were aboard a ship after robbing the sheriff of all his gold . " " Of course he 's not going to rob your house , but I 'm sure he 's up to something . I just hope that we won 't have to travel for other eight years before he gets over it . I 'm beginning to enjoy the advantages of having a real roof over my head . " " He can be a bit obsessive , you know . I hope this isn 't the case . Luckily he hadn 't the time to fall in love with one of those witches , or he would be utterly shattered and not only hurt and outraged . " " It 's made of laburnum . There 's a forest in France where it grows and bow makers travel there from very far away to get this kind of wood . I used one of the bows we confiscated in Locksley as a model for it . " " I know that you were right , but attacking a noblewoman hadn 't been a brilliant move . I believe you , and she 's to blame for what she did , but you could have pressed charges on her . You could still do it . " " What good would it be ? This sheriff is better than Vaisey , but he wouldn 't punish his own daughter . And I just want to forget what happened . " What happened at the castle hurt him in many ways . First of all , he had been awfully scared when Seth hurt himself and he had never thought that he could feel so bad for a bastard child he had with a servant . But in just a few days , Seth had wormed in his heart and thinking that he could have died almost killed him . And maybe I don 't deserve happiness . His sleep was disturbed and he dreamed of Vaisey more often than in the past , reliving in his nightmares the cruel acts he used to do daily , obeying to his orders . Sometimes , he knew , he had enjoyed the sense of power that came from those acts , the almightiness he felt when he could decide of the fate of the peasants . Who am I ? Who 's the real Guy of Gisborne ? When he wore the Nightwatchman 's costume , he felt better , as if the mask could hide his worst side , as if he could actually be a hero . After a long while , he was beginning to think that no one would come . He was tired , hungry and he was beginning to feel drowsy . He yawned and he was about to give up and go away , when he heard a light rustling near the entrance . She didn 't come and Guy frowned , wondering if she had guessed his presence . He silently moved , trying to get nearer to the entrance , when , all of a sudden , something flew through the entrance and landed near his feet . A loud buzz filled the tomb and Guy realized with horror that the masked thief had thrown a hive at him ! Guy thought that it was the end , but the woman sat on her heels to look at him . Her face was hidden by a mask and her hair was wrapped in a cloth , so that none of it showed . Guy could only see her eyes , almost glittering in the red light of sunset . Forgive me , Seth , I really wanted to be a real father for you . I wish we had more time . . . The dagger didn 't touch his skin , but it cut open the laces of his jacket , then , with another swift movement , it ripped the cloth of his shirt . He was at her mercy . If she chose to sink her dagger in his heart , he would die . If she wanted to inflict pain to him , he could do nothing but enduring it . His lips were swollen and they ached a little where the masked woman had bit him . Her kisses hadn 't been gentle at all , but Guy had never felt so overwhelmed while kissing a woman . She bit him , but he remembered clearly that he sank his teeth in her lower lip too , the droplets of blood trickling on her chin , her ragged breath muffled against his mouth . Gisborne couldn 't believe that he spent the most sensual and passionate night of his life with a woman he didn 't even know . In the past , when he took a woman to his bed , he always searched in her something more than just the pleasures of the flesh . Annie used to listen to him , to give him comfort , warmth and the chance to vent when working for the sheriff became too hard , while Marian embodied all the virtues he admired in a woman and he had hoped to have her as a lover , a confident , and a friend . It was never just lust and , even in his youth , he liked the women who wanted to know him , the ones who could see who he really was . " Where have you been ? And what happened to you ? ! " he blurted , looking at him in disbelief . " Are you hurt ? And where is your horse ? " Allan looked at him , dumbfounded : Gisborne looked like he had been through hell and back . His clothes were in disarray , and it looked like he had lost his shirt somehow , so that his leather jacket was open , revealing the bare skin of his chest . That pale skin was scratched and bruised and Allan was sure he recognized bite marks : dark purple blotches marring the tender skin of Guy 's neck . " Maybe later . " Guy stood up , his hunger sated , and he stretched his back . " Now I really need to sleep , please don 't wake me up . " This time you won , my lady , but I 'll capture you . " Oh . You are alive , then , " Allan said , dryly , when Guy reached him downstairs . " That was an apology . You must be about to die . That thief knocked your head really hard , didn 't he ? The Guy of Gisborne I know is unable to say sorry . " Marian smiled . It was a sunny day and the children were happily playing near the pond , throwing stones in the water , while Robin was supervising the preparation of the tables and the decorations for Katerine 's birthday party . The former members of Robin 's gang came early in the morning to help and to spend some time with Robin and the children . They took their families with them so there were many children running around . Djaq and Will had three kids : a couple of twin boys who were the same age of Katerine , a three year 's old little girl , and now Djaq was pregnant again . Much came with his wife Eve and he was the proud father of two little girls , aged five and three . Marian had little Mary in her arms , but she put her down on a blanket on the grass and she gave her a red and shiny apple to keep her entertained for a while . The baby was too little to walk and she was just beginning to crawl , but she loved bright colored things and she tried to chew at them with her toothless gums . Annie sat on the blanket to watch Mary so Marian could reach the other children and overlook their games to avoid that they could get in trouble . " You can 't understand ! They were my friends , once , and I betrayed them ! What can you know about friendship ? ! You don 't have any ! " Allan snapped at him , but he regretted it when he saw Guy 's hurt expression . He sighed . " I 'm sorry , Giz . I didn 't mean that . We are friends , don 't doubt it , but . . . " " We wouldn 't be if I didn 't force you to work for me many years ago … You 're right , I 'm not good with people . I 've never been . " " Well , you 're improving , aren 't you ? Robin wanted to kick you out of Locksley just a few months ago and now he doesn 't mind spending time with you . The kids love you and Marian is a good friend for both of us . What I meant is that you have never been part of Robin 's gang , you don 't know how it was . We were almost a family and I destroyed everything . . . " " Because you gave me a good excuse to silence my conscience . I could say that I betrayed them because it was my only choice , that you forced me to do it . The truth is that probably you wouldn 't have needed to torture me , just to offer me more money . " Much spotted two horses coming towards Locksley , following the road , and he tried to understand who could it be . Robin 's friends were already there and the peasants of Locksley didn 't own fine horses , so maybe they were nobles from adjoining lands , invited for the sake of keeping good relationships with the neighbors . He widened his eyes when he recognized them . " How could they dare to come here as if they were friends ? ! I can 't believe that they have the courage to show up at a innocent child 's party ! It 's … it 's a shame ! " " They are friends . Guy saved our children twice and Allan is always helpful . Katerine asked them to come and she would be very sad if they didn 't . They are welcome at Locksley . And look at him . " She pointed to a child who was sitting near the pond , quiet and pensive , watching the other kids play . He had dark curls , blue eyes and his right arm was bandaged and in a sling . He had a little frown on his face , as if he was worried . When he saw Guy , his expression brightened and he jumped to his feet , smiling . " I 'm so happy you came ! But you 're late ! Are you hungry ? There will be a banquet with a lot of delicious treats ! Hannah made honey cakes and an apple pie too ! Do you like them ? " Guy didn 't know what to say . Saying that he didn 't have any friends apart from Allan and Marian sounded too pathetic , but it was the truth . Luckily he didn 't have to answer because Robin called him . " Give me your hand . " Gisborne said , taking it , and , after a moment , he placed her little hand on her gift . She felt the soft hair of a mane between her finger and she was startled when the gift moved with a neigh . Allan yawned : he ate too much and drank way too much . He felt sleepy , but he was feeling happy and relieved . He didn 't expect to be forgiven by his friends and he couldn 't believe that they did . He gave a guilty look at Guy , feeling like he was betraying their friendship . For years they only had each other , but now Allan was finding his own place in Nottingham between his old friends , while Gisborne 's attempts to start a family failed . Luckily , Guy didn 't look sad or lonely , but he had a contented expression on his face and he smiled at Allan when he noticed that he was looking at him . " You can 't blame her for that , can you ? You acted like a madman , disappearing in the forest with that haunted look in your eyes . I was worried too . " " No , listen to me , now . I know you , we spent many years together and we survived even when we thought we were doomed , but this is not the Guy of Gisborne I know . Giz , if I knew that coming back to Nottingham would change you like that , I 'd never have agreed . " " I 'm not saying that it 's wrong , but look how you reacted : when you had to give up Marian you were hurt , but you tried to find a reason to go on , you never gave up even if you were heartbroken . But now ? Seth will be fine and you were not seriously hurt , but you seemed to be lost , addled by your own misery . And the last time you went out as the Nightwatchman you came home half dead , acting like a fool . Are you trying to get killed ? Is that what you are doing when you disappear in the forest ? ! " Guy tied the horse to a tree , in a secluded glade , and he continued by foot until he reached the Great North Road . Earlier , at the party , he had heard Robin talking to his friends about a guest of the sheriff who was expected to arrive at the castle before dark . Robin had been worried because the man was a rich nobleman who was traveling with just a few servants and no guards and he could be a perfect target for the outlaws who lived in the forest . Guy thought that probably the masked thief was going to rob him and that would be the perfect chance for the Nightwatchman to capture her . He chose a tree with a thick foliage and he threw a rope over one of the higher branches to climb it . Once he was hidden between the leaves , Guy sat on a branch and waited , watching the road below . The forest was silent and he could hear only a gentle wind , rustling the leaves of the trees , and the chirping of birds . Guy began to wonder if the masked thief would come , maybe he had been wrong . It didn 't matter much , after all : he was sated with the good food he ate at Katerine 's party , he wasn 't tired at all and it was pleasant to sit up there where the air was fresh and scented . If the mysterious woman wouldn 't show up , he 'd just go back home as soon as he grew tired . Guy smiled . Allan had been really worried for him and he felt grateful and a little guilty . Maybe he would never have a real family , but at least he had good friends like Allan . He was remembering the years they spent traveling together , when he heard the neigh of horses and the sound of an approaching wagon . Gisborne looked at the road , suddenly alert , and he understood that the horses were galloping , at a pace normally too fast for a wagon . When he could see the vehicle , he noticed that the masked thief was holding the reins of the wagon and that she was whipping the horses to make them run faster . In the distance Guy could hear angry shouts and the gallop of some other horses and he understood that she had stolen the wagon and its right owners were pursuing her . He wSeries this work belongs to : |
So I just found out someone just died in the uni course that I do . Man you seriously don 't know when your going to die are you . So lost for words . " Pretty Good . " I say that almost every time someone asks me that . It 's such a boring question . Small talk is boring . I hate asking it and answering it . It 's a filler for conversation ' pretty good ' prevents people from asking any further . " Hey man how are you " " Good " ' you ' ' yea I 'm alright ' END . Done . I guess its like a chore , people etiquette . But then again I guess you need time to break that first barrier , like when you see a person you haven 't seen for a long time . A apart of you wants to talk , another parts want to avoid cause you know its probably just small talk . Then you put a smiley face on engage in small talk , disengage after a while . Smile also goes . Or maybe a talk would of been nice , since you did have a pretty boring day . But the other person thinks your busy heading off to someone , and you probably think the same think . Especially if they are with their friends . Maybe its the fact that we think the other person is always busy , maybe thats the reason why we don 't indulge in more deeper conversations in these spontaneous moments . Or get over it . This is a video bitching about being bullied , there are kids in this world who have to wield a machine gun and kill people from the age of 6 , and you think being bullied is such a problem ? Fuck off . Completing a marathon makes us happier than eating pork ribs . Raising a child makes us happier than beating a video game . Starting a small business with friends and struggling to make money makes us happier than buying a new computer . And the funiny thing is that all three of the activities above are exceedingly unpleasant and require setting high expectations and potentially failing to always meet them . Yet , they are some of the mosst meaningful moments and activities of our lives . They involve pain , struggle , even anger and despair , yet once we 've done them we look back and get misty - eyed about them . . Because it 's these sort of activities which allow us to become our ideal selves . It 's the perpetual pursuit of fulfilling our ideal selves which grants us happiness , regardless of superficial pleasures or pain , regardless of positive or negative emotions . This is why some people are happy in war and others are sad at weddings . It 's why some are excited to work and others hate parties . The traits they 're inhabiting don 't align with their ideal selves . It 's not the end results which define our ideal selves . It 's not finishing the marathon that makes us happy , it 's achieving a difficult long - term goal that does . It 's not having an awesome kid to show off that makes us happy , but knowing that you gave yourself up to the growth of another human being that is special . It 's not the prestige and money from the new business that makes you happy , it 's process of overcoming all odds with people you care about . And this is the reason that trying to be happy inevitably will make you unhappy . Because to try to be happy implies that you are not already inhabiting your ideal self , you are not aligned with the qualities of who you wish to be . After all , if you were acting out your ideal self , then you wouldn 't feel the need to try to be happy . And this is why happiness is so fleeting . Anyone who has set out major life goals for themselves , only to achieve them and realize that they feel the same relative amounts of happiness / unhappiness , knows that happiness always feels like it 's around the corner just waiting for you to show up . No matter where you are in life , there will always be that one more thing you need to do to be extra especially happy . And that 's because our ideal self is always around that cornier , our ideal self is always three steps ahead of us . We dream of being a musician and when we 're a musician we dream of writing a film score and when write a film score , we dream of writing a screenplay . And what matters isn 't that we achieve each of these plateaus of success , but that we 're consistently moving towards them , day after day , month after month , year after year . The plateaus will come and go , and we 'll continue following our ideal self down the path of our lives . think about " Am I angry now , am I doing this right ? " You tend to be out of your blood , you live the anger . You become the anger , then its gone . For some weird reason it reminded me the time when my sixth grade teacher told the whole class that if you try to be cool , you will never be cool . Man sometimes you just hate yourself from procrastinating . You know its bad yet you do it again , and again and again . When your just about to start work your like ' oh yea why not watch a lil bit of that read a lil bit of this . ' It just keeps leading on and on , when you procrastinate you want to do something , but you don 't take action that is in alignment with that thought . You become conflicted within . Sometimes I would watch those motivational videos and be inspired by the spur of the moment . Your like oh just look how successful those people are , then deep inside later on your like man its probably to hard to reach their level . Look at them , then look back at you . Its weird how we at times fear we are going to fail , when we haven 't even tried . Weird mentality isn 't it . The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER , who has been a widow for 19 years , but the demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally . That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie . " What 's wrong , are you well ? " she asked . My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news . " I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you , " I responded . " Just the two of us . " She thought about it for a moment , and then said , " I would like that very much . " That Friday after work , as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous . When I arrived at her house , I noticed that she , too , seemed to be nervous about our date . She waited in the door with her coat on . She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary . She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel 's . " I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son , and they were impressed , " she said , as she got into the car . " They can 't wait to hear about our meeting . " We went to a restaurant that , although not elegant , was very nice and cozy . My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady . After we sat down , I had to read the menu . Her eyes could only read large print . Half way through the entries , I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me . A nostalgic smile was on her lips . " It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small , " she said . " Then it 's time that you relax and let me return the favor , " I responded . During the dinner , we had an agreeable conversation - nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other 's life . We talked so much that we missed the movie . As we arrived at her house later , she said , " I 'll go out with you again , but only if you let me invite you . " I agreed . " How was your dinner date ? " asked my wife when I got home . " Very nice . Posted by 1 . I wish I 'd had the courage to live a life true to myself , not the life others expected of me . " This was the most common regret of all . When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it , it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled . Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made , or not made . Health brings a freedom very few realise , until they no longer have it . " 2 . I wish I hadn 't worked so hard . " This came from every male patient that I nursed . They missed their children 's youth and their partner 's companionship . Women also spoke of this regret , but as most were from an older generation , many of the female patients had not been breadwinners . All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence . " 3 . I wish I 'd had the courage to express my feelings . " Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others . As a result , they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming . Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result . " 4 . I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends . " Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down . Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years . There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved . Everyone misses their friends when they are dying . " 5 . I wish that I had let myself be happier . " This is a surprisingly common one . Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice . They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits . The so - called ' comfort ' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions , as well as their physical lives . Fear of change had them pretending to others , and to their selvPosted by So today whilst I was waiting for the train , sipping away at my soy milk , looking at the other side of the station to see people standing there like emotionless drones waiting to go to work . I hear a voice next to me saying ' Hey boy can you light my cigarette ' I look over to see an old man with deep sunken eyes , with many patterned crevices on each side of his face . His hair was a mixture of grey and white thinned out , he also had a lil beard going on , you know the Asian type where it just grows on the bottom . I think it took a few moments before my brain realised that it was my Vietnamese teacher ten years ago . How could I forgot , every Saturday I would go to his house near the petrol station with the blue and yellow horse . He taught me outside in this small shed , it got really cold in the winter and extremely uncomfortable in the summer . I still didn 't understand why he couldn 't just teach me inside his house . I could still vividly remember how he would reward me every time I got full marks for homework . He would give me an encyclopedia from his study room . I use to always get really excited since I would flip through the book ends on ends to see all the amazing pictures that it had to offer so I could draw a few in my drawing book . Sometimes I would cheat and attempt to trace the picture using the sunlight to help me , then I would colour it in with my precious collection of Crayola pencils , tracing all the outlines in a darker shade then lightly shading over the insides . All of this came to me by just looking at him , and from what I remember this is probably the first time I ever thought about all this in a long time , my carefree days . Then it hit me that he was still asking for a lighter of which I told him I didn 't smoke . Surprisingly his English was very sharp , and I couldn 't detect an accent . I have smoked for a very long time now my boy , it keeps me from being bored . When I smoke I tend to reminisce about my past a lot , the good and the bad . He then took a little pause and continued . Believe or not my marriage was arranged . It was my late twenties and all my friends were all married , my parents thought it was my time as well and arranged me to meet this local girl , and a few weeks later I married . It was very uneasy on the marriage day . If I remember correctly most of my smiles were not from the heart , they were for show , I didn 't want to ruin the mood of the day . ' So why didn 't you marry earlier ? ' I asked Well I use to like this girl , well girl back then . And with that his eyes glowed and he laughed a little . I was in my early twenties and I remember everyday I would catch the 10 : 30 fish boat just to see her from a far , since her dad would of killed me if she knew I was seeing her . On the weekend she would tell her father that she would be going out to hang with her friends , so we can go to the beach . To to this day I will always remember climbing these really tall coconut trees so we can slip on some sweet juice . It was such a beautiful phase of my life . Then he randomly told me you know these days with the computer you can see more beautiful girls in one hour , then what I would of saw my whole teenagers years , then he did a lil eye brown raise . And with that we cracked up for a while . Back into a serious tone he told me one day he went to see her and she was no longer there , only to hear from the neighbours that she left for the Netherlands with another man . I was so angry that she left me for him , it probably for the money , most of all I was furious that she didn 't tell me . I guess I felt more angry than sad , after that event in my my life I guess I changed as a person . I have to say one of my regrets in life is not showing enough intimacy with my relationship towards my life , I only realized this after she passed away . Even though through the years I did grow into loving her I never showed it , I never held her hand , say I love you cause I always thought it would of felt different and not right thats why I never did it . My wife as well never really spoke about her emotions with me , in a way we were very distant . I was always work work work and she was always busy taking care of the kids . You know what my boy we work work work and we expect to relax at the end of the ride . But really when you old you are hit sickness . For me recently I had a bathroom accident and severe a few vertebrates my left arm is now disable . Then I realised why his left hand was always in his jacket pocket . When you old you feel weak and tried most of the time , I have a lump sum of money in my bank but I don 't really know what to do with it but giving it to my children when my time is up . I guess you have to experience life when you are young , don 't work too hard , you might look back and ask yourself where all your time went . Life here in Australia is very stressful , its always work work work . Most people even turn down catching up with friends just to work . I never really like the phrase ' How are you ' cause I know the other person asking doesn 't care how I am , or how my day went . And if you answer good and they reply with the same thing the conversation turns uneasy . One of the great things in life is to know someone on a deep level and realizing they connect with you my boy . Don 't really get to do alot of that here , in Vietnam though people in the village were so close . It was so nice , here you get to know a lot of people , but most you will only scrap the surface . With that he took a deep breathe and place his head back . My stop is nearly here my boy , if there is one thing I want to tell you its this . Do you make mistakes sometimes ? 2 best friends are running away from a pack of wolves . One of them can 't keep up and is slowing down , the other one is still going strong . The one that can 't keep up falls down and sprains his leg therefore he can 't run . The other friend looks back and sees the wolfs approaching fast , he pulls out his sword to fight the wolfs . However he rethinks the situation and decides to help his friend up to continue the trek . Whilst helping his friend to get up his friend on the floor slices his leg off . It turns out he faked it all along , he walked for a few steps before turning around to his injured friend and looked him in the eye " I 'm sorry . ' So today I attended a coffee barista art class , it was pretty cool learning things like layering the coffee to art techniques for presentation . The trainer was a very interesting guy , he was a huge fan of star wars , he even attempted to explain why Luke Skywalker is ' technically not a Jedi . ' I don 't know if that is even possible . I also meant this half European / Australian guy in around his mid 20 's he was a pretty laid back chilled guy , and since I partnered up with him for all the coffee activities we ended up conversing about a lot of things . He asked me ' Bro do you have a girlfriend ' I smiled and told him ' Naa bro not yet , my mum the other day planned out my life again for like the 7th time , she wants me to have one when I finish uni ' Of course he was right , you don 't know really when it does come . To my surprise however he told me he told me he already had 3 x 's . The first one went overseas and they both lost contact over time due to the distants . The second one had drunk sex with his best mate , that turned out really ugly . The last one texted him one night ' I just don 't feel it anymore . . . . . . . ' When I heard this I felt really bad for the guy , then I thought about how harsh the world can be out there , especially in the love section . However the good news was that he has dated his current girlfriend for almost three years and wants to get married to her . The most shocking news comes next though the thing that was holding everything back was the one thing that his girlfriend 's parents told him at dinner one night . ' Do you have a lot of money , are you financially stable enough to support my daughter . He stuttered for a few seconds cause he didn 't know what to say , this got his girlfriend 's parents eye browns a raise . This one question got him feeling really down the next few months . He told me me he was a waiter but recently lost him job since they were making cuts , he wanted to do this barista class to try something new . After watching countless Vietnamese soapies when I was younger when my parents , where the country boy doesn 't get to marry the girl in the city because he is poor , and all the other movies where a similarly scenario happens . I really did think that that was a thing of the past , I guess he did convinced me otherwise . He told he regrets not pursing further studies at university because he couldn 't be bothered with school . I tried to cheer him up by pulling the old ' oh by bill gates . steve jobs and . . . . all made it rich and they all dropped out of high school , you have to take your chances , who knows what could happened . . . . ' But he just a lil smirk and said ' One in a million bro , one in a million . ' So recently I found out that Owen Wilson wanted to commit suicide back in 2008 , he slitted his wrist and took films . I was quite shocked when I had heard about it since it was Owen Wilson the super laid back charming guy in the movies . He always seemed so relaxed and easy going , I guess it was all for show all for the camera . We don 't get to know what happens when he is home all by himself , the emotions that run through him on a daily basis . I think the thing with suicide is that it ends your chances of your life getting better at all , you just pass on all that sorrow and sadness to the ones around you . I guess the hard thing to understand about depression is that it just takes over you , and sometimes you have no control . Your a whole new person . Depression drains the life out of you , you dwell over the meaningless of life , and ask yourself what difference does it make if you do kill yourself . The concept of depression is very hard to understand for those who have not been there , a lot of people just says things like ' Oh just get over it ' ' Why you being sad for cheer up ' ' Why are you doing this to yourself , thats very stupid of you ' and hence that just makes it harder to open up . This is why people end of relying on drugs and alcohol as it gives them a chance to escape reality for a little bit , and from their it just goes downhill . In a money driven world where people strive to be capitalists , life gets very busy . People seem to be more distant and hence our feelings and emotions can be overlooked sometimes . Or maybe all the time . The Internship The Internships is one the funniest movies I have seen in a while . Two salesmen partners who just lost their jobs dive deep in the dark whole of unemployment , taking their chances by lying their way through the Google interview to get a Internship . After that they had to go through many hardships since they knew nothing about computers , but their bond got them through all of it . At the end they landed the job , man being optimistic does pay through . If only life always ended with a happy ending , just like in the movies So I decided to watch some episodes of the old How I Meant Your Mother on my study break remembering how good they were . I came across the episode of where Marshall writes a letter for himself for the future . It made my want to write one , I decided to scout the internet so see what other people wrote about . I came across this post where this lady finds the letter she wrote to herself when she was 17 , she is now 27 in present time . It made me think about a lot of things . In my senior year of high school , our teachers had asked us to write a letter to ourselves , to be opened 10 years later . Who did we wish to be at age 27 ? If we could say anything in the world to our future selves , what would it be ? The letter felt like an omen , especially after the day I 'd had . While I was training my last pilates student of the evening , a Beverly Hills fake - breasted type , she said she was worried about me after noticing I 'd gained some weight - just as I was preparing to change into the very tight LBD I had brought to wear on my date that night . As much as I wanted to let her have it , I nodded in agreement , afraid that otherwise I might lose her business . The downward spiral continued on the date itself , when the man I 'd been seeing almost daily for two months confessed that he was getting back together with his wife . I hadn 't known he had a wife , let alone that he was contemplating getting back together with her . Maybe I should have been suspicious when he never invited me over to his house . What guy ever let a " lack of furniture " stop him from getting some action ? Knowing the truth made me feel like such a fool . I 'd really been falling for him , and now he was the latest in a string of assholes I 'd worked too hard to impress . Not a chance . Instead , as I read , it became clear that the younger me had been certain that by now I 'd be married to the love of my life , would have several adorable , well - behaved children and , most important , would be filthy rich . All very amusing , but as I got to the end of the letter , my amusement quickly faded : I know you are going to be reading this 10 years from now … . I am so insecure about myself … . I hope 10 years from now I am really proud of myself , because I am not proud of myself now … . Love yourself , respect yourself , stand up for yourself and don 't let people push you around because I let people do it to me now . Please , please , I hope I am secure and self - assured 10 years from now . I reread this part over and over . I put the letter down and then came back to the same paragraph five minutes later . At first , I couldn 't figure out why it bothered me . I mean , in a way I didn 't even know who this girl was , didn 't connect with the letter at all . These were the decade - old musings of a child too young to vote ! But I kept seeing that word please . And I could hear my own voice saying it over and over , louder and louder , as though I were begging . And then it struck me : My problem was not that my guy turned out to be married , or that my apartment was a disaster , or that my snobby client had pointed out the extra pounds I was carrying on my midsection . It was that , in the 10 years after I 'd begged myself to learn to treat myself with respect , I still hadn 't done it . When my date told me about his wife , I nodded and thanked him ( thanked him ! ) for his honesty , when I probably should have kicked him in the balls . Sort of like how I should have told my client to mind her own business and focus on improving her own body , not mine . My 17 - year - old self suddenly seemed so much wiser than the self I was at 27 , and I felt ashamed that after a whole decade I still hadn 't figured out how to stand up for myself . As soon as I had this thought , my next impulse was to prove that I was more self - assured - that I had changed . Well , to be honest , my very next impulse was to call my date and tell him how stupid he was , how amazing I was and exactly where to shove it . But I stopped myself : Years of dating had taught me the difference between getting revenge and seeming pathetic . Maybe I had changed a little . Instead , I spent hours staring at the open letter from the other side of the room , thinking about all the times I 'd felt unworthy and beaten myself up instead of forgiving myself . I stood in front of the mirror , trying to cry . But the crazy thing was that as each hour passed , with memories of self - loathing blasting through my mind , as much as I tried to feel bad for myself , I couldn 't . The tears wouldn 't come . Slowly , it became clear that even though the letter was only a few feet away , the space between us was really 10 years of a life that , like my cursive writing , was messy and unkempt but wholeheartedly mine . No , I wasn 't where I thought I 'd be when I wrote to myself at 17 : I lived alone , single and childless ( and not in a mansion ) ; I was financially unstable ; and I 'd probably had too much to drink . But I knew that this was where I was meant to be : just as I am , with 10 years of perfectly imperfect moments behind me . Like dinner parties with my best girlfriends , lit by candles so you couldn 't see the stains on the tablecloth , and finding holes in the seat of my yoga pants after a day of showing clients how to transform their bodies - while showing them my underwear . And that night , the imperfect - OK , far from perfect - moments came with a lesson , one of those hit - you - over - the - head - write - it - down - and - send - it - to - yourself - 10 - years - from - now - so - you - don 't - forget kind of lessons . The lesson that 10 years is an arbitrary number , and to have expectations about where you should be in your life at any particular time is soul suicide . That certain fears - of being alone or unsuccessful - might never go away , and that 's OK , because they can be the very things that drive you forward . That happiness might be found quietly resting in a tiny shoebox of an apartment , where you realize that even though life might not be quite what you expected , it 's still pretty great . I think the biggest lesson I took from that letter was that I do have one obligation to myself , one that my 17 - year - old naïve self somehow knew to articulate and my 27 - year - old self suddenly understood : I need to love and respect my process of self - discovery . Because it 's exactly that : a process . I should feel comfortable that my experiences are learning moments teaching me step - by - step how to love and embrace me , cellulite and all . That even if the progress is subtle , it 's there , and I 'm doing the best I can . And I think - no , I know - that 's something to be proud of . I wondered for a moment what my 17 - year - old self would think if she could see me now . I assumed she would convince me to get rid of the hideous green couch , put a new one on the credit card and pay it off later . I bet she would like my haircolor and think pilates was awesome . I guessed she might like me , too . A lot , actually . Sometimes when I 'm having a bad day , I want to distant myself from the inner monologue that I have with myself . But I have come to realise that its so hard to do so . I tell myself that I would think about the positives things but the negative monologue always comes back . I guess I have matured over the past year and the negative talking is not as bad , and I tend to get over things more faster but its just so difficult to do so sometimes . Its like when you are in a situation where you laugh at something serious when you are not meant to , or when you feeling like crying when you don 't want to . I thought you have control over your emotions , but sometimes some words just hit all the right buttons , and all the emotions just flow out . So today I found about a guy that died who was in the same grade as me . Even though I don 't know the person I still cringed and felt really stiff on the inside , I don 't know maybe it was due that we were the same age which created a connection . Made the think again about how precious life is that person had so much ahead of him . From what I heard he died from car accident , crashing into a gate . Even though we can never know when we are going to die , we can always minimize the risks . Don 't speed , stay safe . So the other day I went volunteering at a hospital in a children 's mental ward . Some seem very happy to see me , some seemed so lost , and some were just really really anxious . I played plant vs zombies , table tennis , wii , made sandwiches , solved 1000 piece puzzles with most of them . Some of them were having a great time always smiling , whilst others were constantly looking at the ground . The nurse even got them to talk about their feelings if they wanted to . There was this one particular girl that I felt really sorry for , her name was Sarah . She was 16 years of age and has this rare disorder called Trichotillomania . Its a disorder where you are constantly pulling your hair out and have no control over it . She describes it as if its like an addiction , how she is always fiddling with her hair pulling it off . Sometimes she even goes crazy with it , pulling it out frantically saying that it gives her some relief when she is really sad , down or stressed . But its an ever lasting cycle pulling out her hair is like a coping mechanism then , only to make her feel more depressed later on . She has so many bald patches that she has to shave her had off . People around her are always saying ' Why are you doing this to yourself ' ' You are so stupid get some control over your life ' ' Do you have cancer or something ? ' ' You know your only making yourself uglier right ' ' Stop being an attention seeker ! ' She told me that there was many times when she felt like committing suicide , the only thing I could tell her is that the pain her parents will have to endure for the rest of their lives if she committed the act , how precious life is , and the wonderful things to experience in life when you get the chance to . I told her about the thousands of refugees out there that have to go through many hardships and excruciating pain at times to escape persecution and find a better way of life because to them life is precious . She also told me how she really wanted a boyfriend . I just told her that in life whenever we feeling really down , we alwaWe go through We are all born to be great , yet a lot of us make the decision to be ' average . ' Ever get that feeling when you see a really great body transformation get all motivated hyped up , feeling that greatness about to burst out of you . Yet its easier seeing a video of a body transformation then to put in sweat blood and tears to get to where that person is . Or when you meet an inspiring person who has achieved their dreams their goals . Whether it is becoming an elite sportsmen , or a doctor , or taking the risk and opening up a business which turns out to be successful , or saving up enough money to travel the world , or helping the sick in developing countries , or promoting peace . You stir up , you feel pumped up , you feel that you can also achieve your dreams and aspirations . Or when you lose yourself in songs listening to your favourite artists and inside your like man if only I can be that person , that should be me . We are all attracted to greatness , but its so much easier to see greatness to watch greatness rather then put in the time , the energy to discipline yourself to makes sacrifices . So thats why your average , thats why your frustrated . Your not suppose to live like you should live , have what you should have , your not being who you should be and thats why you don 't wanna wake up in the morning . Thats why you hate Mondays cause Monday is suppose to be the day that your suppose to mow and shape your greatness , and thats why you love Friday cause on Friday you don 't have to face reality , you can chill . Cause everyone can forgot about that they didn 't become who they are suppose to be . And thats why I hate myself sometimes , sometimes I go to bed thinking man Denny you should of done that today , why don 't you try harder in your studies , why are you wasting precious time , why don 't you do the things you want to do rather then the things everyone else wants you to do , why aren 't you carving out the person your suppose to be . Sometimes you just have all these amazing goals and aspiration , but it takes to much effort and tiPosted by So after reading a few philosophy thesis about the concept of happiness , I have thought long and hard about it myself . Today at the bus station a man asked when the 807 is going to come , of which I told him would arrive in a few minutes . After a minutes of small talk he told me ' You know what really bothers me , I have a beautiful wife , two wonderful kids and a well paid 9 - 5 job yet I 'm not happy with life at the moment . ' This got me really thinking , I mean a lot of us all grow up seeking what this man has , yet he wasn 't happy . . . . . I remember reading extracts from Viktor Frankl book ' Man 's search for meaning ' a Jewish psychiatrist who was arrested and transported into a concentration camp . Three years later when the camp was freed most of his family including his pregnant wife died , but he prisoner number 119104 lived . He concluded from this experiences at the camp that the difference between those that lived and those that perished came down to one thing , Meaning a insight that came early in his life . He recounts how a chemistry teacher told him once that life is nothing more than a combustion process . He jumped out of his chair and told the teacher ' Sir if that is so what is the meaning of life . ' As he saw in the camps those that found meaning in life even in the most horrendous circumstances were far more resilient to suffering that those that did not . " Everything can be taken from man except one thing , the last of human freedom , to choose one 's attitude in any given circumstances , to choose one 's own way . ' He writes of two suicidal inmates both hopeless thinking that there was nothing else to live for in life . ' In this case it was getting them to realize that life was still excepting something from them . For one man it was his young son still living in a foreign country . For the other , a scientist , it was the series of books that he needed to finish . ' Frankl writes ' This uniqueness and singleness which distinguishes each individual and gives a meaning to his existence has a bearing on creative work as much as it does on human love . When the impossibility of replacing a person is realized , it allows the responsibility which a man has for his existence has its continuance to appear in all its magnitude . A man who becomes conscious of the responsibility he bears towards a human being who affectionately waits for him , or to an unfinished work , will never be able to throw away his life . He knows the ' why ' for his existence , and will be able to bear almost any ' how ' . ' I guess striving for happiness makes you a ' taker ' rather than a ' giver ' happiness is about drive reduction . If your hungry you satisfy , if you want something you buy it . People become happy , in other words , when they get what they want . Happy people get a lot of joy from erecieving benefits from others while leading meaningful lives get a lot of joy from giving to others . Living a meaningful life is like using your highiest strengths and talents to belong and serve something you believe is larger then the self . Which in fact is a very hard thing to do . Happiness is an emotion felt here and there , ultimately fades away just as all emotions do . After experiencing depression and getting out of it I think suffering and negative events does decrease your happiness but it overall increases the amount of meaning you have in life . You start to appreciate life more , and not take everything you have for granted . I guess if there is any meaning in life at all , there must be meaning in suffering . So today I saw this video where a man was dancing by himself to the music ( whatta brave soul ) then a police officer feels the vibe and joins in , challenging each other with dance moves . It was such a feel good video , knowing that there are people out there that aren 't afraid of having a good time . That old man sure does have the moves like jagger . Gotta love Aussie Land Today at the pools after doing doing my normal laps , I decided to do the dog paddle to see how long it would take to get across to the other side . So after dog paddling around half way this beautiful half cast girl looks at me and laughs . She then asked if I knew how to swim , I opened to my mouth to say yes , in the gist of the moment however I said no . She then proceeded and ask do you want me to teach you . At this point in time I was kinda nervous and didn 't know what to say , so I just nodded my head . From there she went on teaching me all the four strokes the freestyle , breast stroke , butterfly and the back stroke . I acted dumb the whole time pretending to not know how to swim . She was so down to earth sharing stories of how she accidentally let one rip when she received best dressed back in high school graduation , to how she fell into the mud face first after coming 2nd in high jump . So after about 90 minutes she mum waved to her asking her to go home . I told her that I would probably see her next week without asking for her contacts details . However after she got dressed she came up to me with a notepad asking for my email , telling me that we 'll keep in contact . Email how interesting . . . . |
The funeral was arranged for the next succeeding day , so that Lucy and her mother might be buried together . I attended to all the ghastly formalities , and the urbane undertaker proved that his staff was afflicted , or blessed , with something of his own obsequious suavity . Even the woman who performed the last offices for the dead remarked to me , in a confidential , brother - professional way , when she had come out from the death chamber , " She makes a very beautiful corpse , sir . It 's quite a privilege to attend on her . It 's not too much to say that she will do credit to our establishment ! " I noticed that Van Helsing never kept far away . This was possible from the disordered state of things in the household . There were no relatives at hand , and as Arthur had to be back the next day to attend at his father 's funeral , we were unable to notify any one who should have been bidden . Under the circumstances , Van Helsing and I took it upon ourselves to examine papers , etc . He insisted upon looking over Lucy 's papers himself . I asked him why , for I feared that he , being a foreigner , might not be quite aware of English legal requirements , and so might in ignorance make some unnecessary trouble . He answered me , " I know , I know . You forget that I am a lawyer as well as a doctor . But this is not altogether for the law . You knew that , when you avoided the coroner . I have more than him to avoid . There may be papers more , such as this . " " When you find anything of the solicitor who is for the late Mrs . Westenra , seal all her papers , and write him tonight . For me , I watch here in the room and in Miss Lucy 's old room all night , and I myself search for what may be . It is not well that her very thoughts go into the hands of strangers . " I went on with my part of the work , and in another half hour had found the name and address of Mrs . Westenra 's solicitor and had written to him . All the poor lady 's papers were in order . Explicit directions regarding the place of burial were given . I had hardly sealed the letter , when , to my surprise , Van Helsing walked into the room , saying , To which he replied , " I did not look for any specific thing . I only hoped to find , and find I have , all that there was , only some letters and a few memoranda , and a diary new begun . But I have them here , and we shall for the present say nothing of them . I shall see that poor lad tomorrow evening , and , with his sanction , I shall use some . " When we had finished the work in hand , he said to me , " And now , friend John , I think we may to bed . We want sleep , both you and I , and rest to recuperate . Tomorrow we shall have much to do , but for the tonight there is no need of us . Alas ! " Before turning in we went to look at poor Lucy . The undertaker had certainly done his work well , for the room was turned into a small chapelle ardente . There was a wilderness of beautiful white flowers , and death was made as little repulsive as might be . The end of the winding sheet was laid over the face ; when the Professor bent over and turned it gently back , we both started at the beauty before us , the tall wax candles showing a sufficient light to note it well . All Lucy 's loveliness had come back to her in death , and the hours that had passed , instead of leaving traces of ' decay 's effacing fingers ' , had but restored the beauty of life , till positively I could not believe my eyes that I was looking at a corpse . The Professor looked sternly grave . He had not loved her as I had , and there was no need for tears in his eyes . He said to me , " Remain till I return , " and left the room . He came back with a handful of wild garlic from the box waiting in the hall , but which had not been opened , and placed the flowers amongst the others on and around the bed . Then he took from his neck , inside his collar , a little gold crucifix , and placed it over the mouth . He restored the sheet to its place , and we came away . " Yes and no . I want to operate , but not what you think . Let me tell you now , but not a word to another . I want to cut off her head and take out her heart . Ah ! You a surgeon , and so shocked ! You , whom I have seen with no tremble of hand or heart , do operations of life and death that make the rest shudder . Oh , but I must not forget , my dear friend John , that you loved her , and I have not forgotten it for is I that shall operate , and you must not help . I would like to do it tonight , but for Arthur I must not . He will be free after his father 's funeral tomorrow , and he will want to see her , to see it . Then , when she is coffined ready for the next day , you and I shall come when all sleep . We shall unscrew the coffin lid , and shall do our operation , and then replace all , so that none know , save we alone . " " But why do it at all ? The girl is dead . Why mutilate her poor body without need ? And if there is no necessity for a post - mortem and nothing to gain by it , no good to her , to us , to science , to human knowledge , why do it ? Without such it is monstrous . " I may err , I am but man , but I believe in all I do . Was it not for these causes that you send for me when the great trouble came ? Yes ! Were you not amazed , nay horrified , when I would not let Arthur kiss his love , though she was dying , and snatched him away by all my strength ? Yes ! And yet you saw how she thanked me , with her so beautiful dying eyes , her voice , too , so weak , and she kiss my rough old hand and bless me ? Yes ! And did you not hear me swear promise to her , that so she closed her eyes grateful ? Yes ! " Well , I have good reason now for all I want to do . You have for many years trust me . You have believe me weeks past , when there be things so strange that you might have well doubt . Believe me yet a little , friend John . If you trust me not , then I must tell what I think , and that is not perhaps well . And if I work , as work I shall , no matter trust or no trust , without my friend trust in me , I work with heavy heart and feel , oh so lonely when I want all help and courage that may be ! " He paused a moment and went on solemnly , " Friend John , there are strange and terrible days before us . Let us not be two , but one , that so we work to a good end . Will you not have faith in me ? " I took his hand , and promised him . I held my door open as he went away , and watched him go to his room and close the door . As I stood without moving , I saw one of the maids pass silently along the passage , she had her back to me , so did not see me , and go into the room where Lucy lay . The sight touched me . Devotion is so rare , and we are so grateful to those who show it unasked to those we love . Here was a poor girl putting aside the terrors which she naturally had of death to go watch alone by the bier of the mistress whom she loved , so that the poor I must have slept long and soundly , for it was broad daylight when Van Helsing waked me by coming into my room . He came over to my bedside and said , " You need not trouble about the knives . We shall not do it . " " Because I get it back from the worthless wretch who stole it , from the woman who robbed the dead and the living . Her punishment will surely come , but not through me . She knew not altogether what she did , and thus unknowing , she only stole . Now we must wait . " He went away on the word , leaving me with a new mystery to think of , a new puzzle to grapple with . The forenoon was a dreary time , but at noon the solicitor came , Mr . Marquand , of Wholeman , Sons , Marquand & Lidderdale . He was very genial and very appreciative of what we had done , and took off our hands all cares as to details . During lunch he told us that Mrs . Westenra had for some time expected sudden death from her heart , and had put her affairs in absolute order . He informed us that , with the exception of a certain entailed property of Lucy 's father which now , in default of direct issue , went back to a distant branch of the family , the whole estate , real and personal , was left absolutely to Arthur Holmwood . When he had told us so much he went on , if we were or were not prepared to carry out her wishes . Of course , we had then no alternative but to accept . We were right in principle , and ninety - nine times out of a hundred we should have proved , by the logic of events , the accuracy of our judgment . " Frankly , however , I must admit that in this case any other form of disposition would have rendered impossible the carrying out of her wishes . For by her predeceasing her daughter the latter would have come into possession of the property , and , even had she only survived her mother by five minutes , her property would , in case there were no will , and a will was a practical impossibility in such a case , have been treated at her decease as under intestacy . In which case Lord Godalming , though so dear a friend , would have had no claim in the world . And the inheritors , being remote , would not be likely to abandon their just rights , for sentimental reasons regarding an entire stranger . He did not remain long , but said he would look in later in the day and see Lord Godalming . His coming , however , had been a certain comfort to us , since it assured us that we should not have to dread hostile criticism as to any of our acts . Arthur was expected at five o ' clock , so a little before that time we visited the death chamber . It was so in very truth , for now both mother and daughter lay in it . The undertaker , true to his craft , had made the best display he could of his goods , and there was a mortuary air about the place that lowered seemed to have shrunk somewhat under the strain of his much - tried emotions . He had , I knew , been very genuinely and devotedly attached to his father , and to lose him , and at such a time , was a bitter blow to him . With me he was warm as ever , and to Van Helsing he was sweetly courteous . But I could not help seeing that there was some constraint with him . The professor noticed it too , and motioned me to bring him upstairs . I did so , and left him at the door of the room , as I felt he would like to be quite alone with her , but he took my arm and led me in , saying huskily , " You loved her too , old fellow . She told me all about it , and there was no friend had a closer place in her heart than you . I don 't know how to thank you for all you have done for her . I can 't think yet . . . " Here he suddenly broke down , and threw his arms round my shoulders and laid his head on my breast , crying , " Oh , Jack ! Jack ! What shall I do ? The whole of life seems gone from me all at once , and there is nothing in the wide world for me to live for . " I comforted him as well as I could . In such cases men do not need much expression . A grip of the hand , the tightening of an arm over the shoulder , a sob in unison , are expressions of sympathy dear to a man 's heart . I stood still and silent till his sobs died away , and then I said softly to him , " Come and look at her . " Together we moved over to the bed , and I lifted the lawn from her face . God ! How beautiful she was . Every hour seemed to be enhancing her loveliness . It frightened and amazed me somewhat . And as for Arthur , he fell to trembling , and finally was shaken with doubt as with an ague . At last , after a long pause , he said to me in a faint whisper , " Jack , is she really dead ? " I assured him sadly that it was so , and went on to suggest , for I felt that such a horrible doubt should not have life for a moment longer than I could help , that it often happened that after death faces become softened and even resolved into their youthful beauty , that this was especially so when death had been preceded by any acute or prolonged suffering . I seemed to quite do away with any doubt , and after kneeling beside the couch for a while and looking at her lovingly and long , he turned aside . I told him that that must be goodbye , as the coffin had to be prepared , so he went back and took her dead hand in his and kissed it , and bent over and kissed her forehead . He came away , fondly looking back over I left him in the drawing room , and told Van Helsing that he had said goodbye , so the latter went to the kitchen to tell the undertaker 's men to proceed with the preperations and to screw up the coffin . When he came out of the room again I told him of Arthur 's question , and he replied , " I am not surprised . Just now I doubted for a moment myself ! " " No , no , not that , for God 's sake ! Not yet at any rate . Forgive me , sir . I did not mean to speak offensively . It is only because my loss is so recent . " Arthur held out his hand , and took the old man 's warmly . " Call me what you will , " he said . " I hope I may always have the title of a friend . And let me say that I am at a loss for words to thank you for your goodness to my poor dear . " He paused a moment , and went on , " I know that she understood your goodness even better than I do . And if I was rude or in any way wanting at that time you acted so , you remember , " - - the Professor nodded - - " You must forgive me . " He answered with a grave kindness , " I know it was hard for you to quite trust me then , for to trust such violence needs to understand , and I take it that you do not , that you cannot , trust me now , for you do not yet understand . And there may be more times when I shall want you to trust when you cannot , and may not , and must not yet understand . But the time will come when your trust shall be whole and complete in me , and when you shall understand as though the sunlight himself shone through . Then you shall bless me from first to last for your own sake , and for the sake of others , and for her dear sake to whom I swore to protect . " " And indeed , indeed , sir , " said Arthur warmly . " I shall in all ways trust you . I know and believe you have a very noble heart , and you are Jack 's friend , and you were hers . You shall do what you like . " " And as it is all yours , you have a right to deal with it as you will . I want you to give me permission to read all Miss Lucy 's papers and letters . Believe me , it is no idle curiosity . I have a motive of which , be sure , she would have approved . I have them all here . I took them before we knew that all was yours , so that no strange hand might touch them , no strange eye look through words into her soul . I shall keep them , if I may . Even you may not see them yet , but I shall keep them safe . No word shall be lost , and in the good time I shall give them back to you . It is a hard thing that I ask , but you will do it , will you not , for Lucy 's sake ? " Arthur spoke out heartily , like his old self , " Dr . Van Helsing , you may do what you will . I feel that in saying this I am doing what my dear one would have approved . I shall not trouble you with questions till the time comes . " The old Professor stood up as he said solemnly , " And you are right . There will be pain for us all , but it will not be all pain , nor will this pain be the last . We and you too , you most of all , dear boy , will have to pass through the bitter water before we reach the sweet . But we must be brave of heart and unselfish , and do our duty , and all will be well ! " I slept on a sofa in Arthur 's room that night . Van Helsing did not go to bed at all . He went to and fro , as if patroling the house , and was never out of sight of the room where Lucy lay in her coffin , strewn with the wild garlic flowers , which sent through the odor of lily and rose , a heavy , overpowering smell into the night . 22 September . - - In the train to Exeter . Jonathan sleeping . It seems only yesterday that the last entry was made , and yet how much between then , in Whitby and all the world before me , Jonathan away and no news of him , and now , married to Jonathan , Jonathan a solicitor , a partner , rich , master of his business , Mr . Hawkins dead and buried , and Jonathan with another attack that may harm him . Some day he may ask me about it . Down it all goes . I am rusty in my shorthand , see what unexpected prosperity does for us , so it may be as well to freshen it up again with an exercise anyhow . The service was very simple and very solemn . There were only ourselves and the servants there , one or two old friends of his from Exeter , his London agent , and a gentleman representing Sir John Paxton , the President of the Incorporated Law Society . Jonathan and I stood hand in hand , and we felt that our best and dearest friend was gone from us . We came back to town quietly , taking a bus to Hyde Park Corner . Jonathan thought it would interest me to go into the Row for a while , so we sat down . But there were very few people there , and it was sad - looking and desolate to see so many empty chairs . It made us think of the empty chair at home . So we got up and walked down Piccadilly . Jonathan was holding me by the arm , the way he used to in the old days before I went to school . I felt it very improper , for you can 't go on for some years teaching etiquette and decorum to other girls without the pedantry of it biting into yourself a bit . But it was Jonathan , and he was my husband , and we didn 't know anybody who saw us , and we didn 't care if they did , so on we walked . I was looking at a very beautiful girl , in a big cart - wheel hat , He was very pale , and his eyes seemed bulging out as , half in terror and half in amazement , he gazed at a tall , thin man , with a beaky nose and black moustache and pointed beard , who was also observing the pretty girl . He was looking at her so hard that he did not see either of us , and so I had a good view of him . His face was not a good face . It was hard , and cruel , and sensual , and big white teeth , that looked all the whiter because his lips were so red , were pointed like an animal 's . Jonathan kept staring at him , till I was afraid he would notice . " No , dear , " I said . " I don 't know him , who is it ? " His answer seemed to shock and thrill me , for it was said as if he did not know that it was me , Mina , to whom he was speaking . " It is the man himself ! " The poor dear was evidently terrified at something , very greatly terrified . I do believe that if he had not had me to lean on and to support him he would have sunk down . He kept staring . A man came out of the shop with a small parcel , and gave it to the lady , who then drove off . The dark man kept his eyes fixed on her , and when the carriage moved up Piccadilly he followed in the same direction , and hailed a hansom . Jonathan kept looking after him , and said , as if to himself , " I believe it is the Count , but he has grown young . My God , if this be so ! Oh , my God ! My God ! If only I knew ! If only I knew ! " He was distressing himself so much that I feared to keep his mind on the subject by asking him any questions , so I remained silent . I drew away quietly , and he , holding my arm , came easily . We walked a little further , and then went in and sat for a while in the Green Park . It was a hot day for autumn , and there was a comfortable seat in a shady place . After a few minutes ' staring at nothing , Jonathan 's eyes closed , and he went quickly into a sleep , with his head on my shoulder . I thought it was the best thing for him , so did not disturb him . In about twenty minutes he woke up , and said to me quite cheerfully , " Why , Mina , have I been asleep ! Oh , do forgive me for being so rude . Come , and we 'll have a cup of tea somewhere . " He had evidently forgotten all about the dark stranger , as in his illness he had forgotten all that this episode had reminded him of . I don 't like this lapsing into forgetfulness . It may make or continue some injury to the brain . I must not ask him , for fear I shall do more harm than good , but I must somehow learn the facts of his journey abroad . The time is come , I fear , when I must open the parcel , and know what is written . Oh , Jonathan , you will , I know , forgive me if I do wrong , but it is for your own dear sake . Later . - - A sad homecoming in every way , the house empty of the dear soul who was so good to us . Jonathan still pale and dizzy under a slight relapse of his malady , and now a telegram from Van Helsing , whoever he may be . " You will be grieved to hear that Mrs . Westenra died five days ago , and that Lucy died the day before yesterday . They were both buried today . " Oh , what a wealth of sorrow in a few words ! Poor Mrs . Westenra ! Poor Lucy ! Gone , gone , never to return to us ! And poor , poor Arthur , to have lost such a sweetness out of his life ! God help us all to bear our troubles . 22 September . - - It is all over . Arthur has gone back to Ring , and has taken Quincey Morris with him . What a fine fellow is Quincey ! I believe in my heart of hearts that he suffered as much about Lucy 's death as any of us , but he bore himself through it like a moral Viking . If America can go on breeding men like that , she will be a power in the world indeed . Van Helsing is lying down , having a rest preparatory to his journey . He goes to Amsterdam tonight , but says he returns tomorrow night , that he only wants to make some arrangements which can only be made personally . He is to stop with me then , if he can . He says he has work to do in London which may take him some time . Poor old fellow ! I fear that the strain of the past week has broken down even his iron strength . All the time of the burial he was , I could see , putting some terrible restraint on himself . When it was all over , we were standing beside Arthur , who , poor fellow , was speaking of his part in the operation where his blood had been transfused to his Lucy 's veins . I could see Van Helsing 's face grow white and purple by turns . Arthur was saying that he felt since then as if they two had been really married , and that she was his wife in the sight of God . None of us said a word of the other operations , and none of us ever shall . Arthur and Quincey went away together to the station , and Van Helsing and I came on here . The moment we were alone in the carriage he gave way to a regular fit of hysterics . He has denied to me since that it was hysterics , and insisted that it was only his sense of humor asserting itself under very terrible conditions . He laughed till he cried , and I had to draw down the blinds lest any one should see us and misjudge . And then he cried , till he laughed again , and laughed and cried together , just as a woman does . I tried to be stern with him , as one is to a woman under the circumstances , but it had no effect . Men and women are so different in manifestations of nervous strength or weakness ! Then when his face grew grave and stern again I asked him why his mirth , and why at such a time . His reply was in a way characteristic of him , for it was logical and forceful and mysterious . He said , " Ah , you don 't comprehend , friend John . Do not think that I am not sad , though I laugh . See , I have cried even when the laugh did choke me . But no more think that I am all sorry when I cry , for the laugh he come just the same . Keep it always with you that laughter who knock at your door and say , ' May I come in ? ' is not true laughter . No ! He is a king , and he come when and how he like . He ask no person , he choose no time of suitability . He say , ' I am here . ' Behold , in example I grieve my heart out for that so sweet young girl . I give my blood for her , though I am old and worn . I give my time , my skill , my sleep . I let my other sufferers want that she may have all . And yet I can laugh at her very grave , laugh when the clay from the spade of the sexton drop upon her coffin and say ' Thud , thud ! ' to my heart , till it send back the blood from my cheek . My heart bleed for that poor boy , that dear boy , so of the age of mine own boy had I been so blessed that he live , and with his hair and eyes the same . " There , you know now why I love him so . And yet when he say things that touch my husband - heart to the quick , and make my father - heart yearn to him as to no other man , not even you , friend John , for we are more level in experiences than father and son , yet even at such a moment King Laugh he come to me and shout and bellow in my ear , ' Here I am ! Here I am ! ' till the blood come dance back and bring some of the sunshine that he carry with him to my cheek . Oh , friend John , it is a strange world , a sad world , a world full of miseries , and woes , and troubles . And yet when King Laugh come , he make them all dance to the tune he play . Bleeding hearts , and dry bones of the churchyard , and tears that burn as they fall , all dance together to the music that he make with that smileless mouth of him . And believe me , friend John , that he is good to come , and kind . Ah , we men and women are like ropes drawn tight with strain that pull us different ways . Then tears come , and like the rain on the ropes , they brace us up , until perhaps the strain become too great , and we break . But King Laugh he come like the sunshine , and he ease off the strain again , and we bear to go on with our labor , what it may be . " " Oh , it was the grim irony of it all , this so lovely lady garlanded with flowers , that looked so fair as life , till one by one we wondered if she were truly dead , she laid in that so fine marble house in that lonely churchyard , where rest so many of her kin , laid there with the mother who loved her , and whom she loved , and that sacred bell going ' Toll ! Toll ! Toll ! ' so sad and slow , and those holy men , with the white garments of the angel , pretending to read books , and yet all the time their eyes never on the page , and all of us with the bowed head . And all for what ? She is dead , so ! Is it not ? " " Well , for the life of me , Professor , " I said , " I can 't see anything to laugh at in all that . Why , your expression makes it a harder puzzle than before . But even if the burial service was comic , what about poor Art and his trouble ? Why his heart was simply breaking . " " Quite so . But there was a difficulty , friend John . If so that , then what about the others ? Ho , ho ! Then this so sweet maid is a polyandrist , and me , with my poor wife dead to me , but alive by Church 's law , though no wits , all gone , even I , who am faithful husband to this now - no - wife , am bigamist . " " I don 't see where the joke comes in there either ! " I said , and I did not feel particularly pleased with him for saying such things . He laid his hand on my arm , and said , " Friend John , forgive me if I pain . I showed not my feeling to others when it would wound , but only to you , my old friend , whom I can trust . If you could have looked into my heart then when I want to laugh , if you could have done so when the laugh arrived , if you could do so now , when King Laugh have pack up his crown , and all that is to him , for he go far , far away from me , and for a long , long time , maybe you would perhaps pity me the most of all . " The neighborhood of Hampstead is just at present exercised with a series of events which seem to run on lines parallel to those of what was known to the writers of headlines and " The Kensington Horror , " or " The Stabbing Woman , " or " The Woman in Black . " During the past two or three days several cases have occurred of young children straying from home or neglecting to return from their playing on the Heath . In all these cases the children were too young to give any not been found until early in the following morning . It is generally supposed in the neighborhood that , as the first child missed gave as his reason for being away that a " bloofer lady " had asked him to come for a walk , the others had picked up the phrase and used it as occasion served . This is the more natural as the favorite game of the little ones at present is luring each other away by wiles . A correspondent writes us that to see some of the tiny tots pretending to be the " bloofer lady " is supremely funny . Some of our caricaturists might , he says , take a lesson in the irony of grotesque by comparing the reality and the picture . It is only in accordance with general principles of human nature that the " bloofer lady " should be the popular role at these al fresco performances . Our correspondent naively says that even Ellen Terry could not be so winningly attractive as some of these grubby - faced little children pretend , and even imagine themselves , to be . There is , however , possibly a serious side to the question , for some of the children , indeed all who have been missed at night , have been slightly torn or wounded in the throat . The wounds seem such as might be made by a rat or a small dog , and although of not much importance individually , would tend to show that whatever animal inflicts them has a system or method of its own . The police of the division have been instructed to keep a sharp lookout for straying children , It has the same tiny wound in the throat as has been noticed in other cases . It was terribly weak , and looked quite emaciated . It too , when partially restored , had the common story to tell of being lured away by the " bloofer lady " . |
With my husband gone , I had to think about options . I had not been able to work in about twelve years . What had started out as simple panic attacks had turned into agoraphobia and raging , suicidal depression with psychotic features , all of which had been exacerbated by grief and despair . My condition had improved somewhat over the years , but the stress of a marriage on the skids had taken its toll , and now I had a divorce to contend with . I had never lived alone , and I was frightened . On top of it all , my mother had been diagnosed with esophageal cancer and was dying . Once she was gone , I would become the professed matriarch of our tiny family . Even at thirty - four years old , I felt like an orphan . I went to a well - respected church counselor at my large church for guidance . " Linda , you need to move out of that house ( the house I had rented with my husband , and could no longer afford on my own ) . You need to get out , even if it 's to move into the housing projects . You need to get a job … any kind of job , right now … this week ! " My mind reeled with this information . I pictured it all … me moving into a dangerous neighborhood , raising my children around drug addicts and thieves . The best job I could get with no skills was at a fast food restaurant . I knew I could end up with a crazy ever - changing work schedule . My youngest child was four - years - old . What would I do with my children while I worked ? How would I ever better my life ? I would never get out , never be able to get an education . I would be trapped in poverty forever . I woke each morning with these thoughts replaying over and over in my mind . But this advice came from the church counselor , and I believed she wouldn 't be in the position she had on staff at our church if she weren 't thought of as someone who was wise , who heard from God . Fear gnawed at me like a dog on a meat bone . Shock and joy hit me simultaneously . Simple words and it was as if a cage door just flew open and let me out . I didn 't have to blindly obey the church counselor ? I won 't bring the wrath of God down on my life ? I can actually think for myself ? What a concept . Simple , and yet I was forever changed . One morning , I was staring into the bathroom mirror , hurriedly applying make - up . I had nowhere to go , really . I was deep in thought about my future . Where would we be in two years ? Where would we be in five ? I had no skills , no education . How would I provide for my children ? Where would we go ? What will we do ? As if God were standing right next to me , I sensed a strong voice interrupting my reverie . " I 'm not asking you to live five years from now . I 'm only asking you to live today . " My mascara wand stopped mid - stroke . My eyes widened as I stared back at my reflection . It was as if I was having an out of body experience and I suddenly found myself once again standing in front of my bathroom mirror . I only have to live through today ? Over the next few days , ideas danced around my head like butterflies flitting through a flower garden . My first step was to sign myself up for six secretarial courses at the local community college . It was challenging . I fought through panic attacks and depression so deep I felt I was drowning , but I took a deep breath after each hour - long class and forged on . One night I had a dream . I lay in a huge mahogany four - poster bed with a beautiful white spread over me . In this dream , I awoke to find my mother silently approaching . She was wearing a long white nightgown . She sat on the edge of the bed , threw her arms around me , and began to sob . I felt helpless , but I comforted her as best I could . I awoke with a start , and lay there thinking about her . Back in Los Angeles , she was very ill , having suffered several rounds of chemotherapy . Her cancer had spread to her lymph nodes , and a particularly large tumor in the back of her neck had twisted her face . I spent as much time as I could running down to Los Angeles to see her , but my younger sister was there taking care of her , and she insisted I do not uproot the children , knowing her time was short . My heart broke for her . One weekend I drove down to be with her to spend the night in her smoke - filled bachelor apartment . As soon as I got there , I began to have the familiar sensation of panic . This was unknown territory . My heart had ached for my mother 's love for as long as I could remember . I had never reconciled many things that had happened between us . She had never expressed her love for me , never held me , had never bought me a " Hallmark moment " card . She was not an affectionate person . She was emotionally closed off , and guarded herself carefully . But I loved her desperately . Watching her suffer was torture . I arrived at the apartment and sat down on her couch . Immediately she came over and sat down next to me , put her arms around me , and began to sob . It was as if someone hit the play button . The dream I had three months before appeared in my mind as if it were playing on a movie screen . I stiffened , but I sensed the presence of God in the room and I tried to breathe into the moment . I held my mother , patting her back softly . " He didn 't give you cancer , mom . He loves you more than you could ever imagine . We get these diseases because we live in a fallen , toxic world , and we don 't always take the best care of ourselves . " She asked me more questions about God , about his love , about how she could know him . I asked her if I could pray for her . I was treading very lightly . I felt I was on holy ground but it was shaky and I was afraid I could blow it . Well folks , now you know the worst of it ( see post ~ In the Well With Tolstoy ) . Being a creative type , I sometimes imagine something worse happening to me in the future , but thankfully , so far , nothing has come close to losing my brother and father to suicide . Sometimes I still catch myself waiting for the other shoe to drop , but I console myself with the knowledge that it already has , and most of us only have one left one and one right one for each pair we own . Oh , don 't get me wrong . After my father died , I still experienced divorce and another marriage to yet another abusive , controlling man , a divorce from said man , a broken neck , and a terminal brain tumor , and that 's just for starters . But as horrible as all that sounds , it still did not compare to the total destruction of my family . So , I still had a long row to hoe if I ever wanted to feel remotely " normal " again . I was beginning to understand my illness a little bit . And I believed that the Lord was guiding me through the muddied waters rushing through the storm drains of life . But I had a problem a lot of people suffering from serious mental illness have . We really have no idea how much the trauma , abuse , and neglect has hindered our decision - making capability . We have " broken pickers . " We tend to make some of the same mistakes over and over again , and it can take awhile to figure it out . We try , but we tend to follow certain patterns , especially in relationships . It goes something like this . The next time , all you need to do is pick someone at least one step up from the last one you ended up with and it 'll all work out . For me , that meant that the next one must not beat the hell out of me . That was the deal breaker . But I digress . One thing I did after my father died , after much consideration and forethought , is to get pregnant with my third child . If there is one thing I do not regret in my life , it is my decisions to give birth to various and sundry individuals . They are all now my best friends , and they make a mama proud . God knew each one of them before they were even " knit together in their mother 's womb " ( Psalm 139 ) and all three of them love him dearly . So , under ordinary circumstances , my decision to get pregnant at that time of life may have made some sense . My fantasy of having a nice , calm Christian family life was not to be , however , and it 's possible that maybe I should have seen this coming . To my ex - husband 's credit , he never once beat the hell out of me . Not only that , but he was extremely helpful to me during the years I experienced the worst of suffering serious mental illness . He took me to appointments with my therapists because I could not drive . In the beginning , he came home early when I called , sick with fear , and he watched the children when I could not cope with the unrelenting anxiety , depression , and grief . He attended church with me , at first as a way to support me , and eventually , he developed his own relationship with the Lord . We were as happy as happy could be , outside of the hell I experienced in my own mind . And having a new baby in the house helped . He was a joy to both of us . Then something began to change . My husband had a problem with drugs before we married , but he had trusted God to take away his appetite for smoking a doobie before breakfast . And God had come through … that is until my husband took a new job working with a bunch of Deadheads in the next town over . He just could not resist the stuff and returned to it again and again like a dog returning to its vomit . I argued and cajoled , pleaded and begged , to no avail . The following years were filled with alcohol , drugs , lies , and infidelity . I prayed . I waited . I prayed some more . I waited some more . I finally gave up . A second failed marriage , and I was still not a well woman . I had progressed , but the fear , anxiety , and depression were ever present , partly because my life was still a series of crises . Driving down the street one foggy morning , tears popped into my eyes . I had just dropped my daughter off at her middle school and watched as her friend 's father hugged his pre - teen and waved goodbye as he drove away . As one thought led to another , an imaginary phone call with my deceased father ensued in my mind . " Dad ? It 's Linda . Um , I 'm kinda in dire straights ( again ) . My husband left and I don 't have any way to support us . Can I come home and stay for awhile ? " My heart ached with the thought of it . To feel that kind of love from a father ! To be taken care of , if only for a little while ! I saw myself tucked safely away in my twin bed with the lavender ruffled spread . I was so weary of constantly worrying about what I would do with three children , no husband , and anxiety and depression still such a huge part of my days . I had not been able to work for over ten years . " The LORD is like a father to his children , tender and compassionate to those who fear him " ( Psalm 103 : 13 TLB ) . For the first time I " saw " God as the compassionate father , one who , unlike any earthly father , can actually change circumstances and make permanent changes in my life . Instead of band - aid fixes , he could move hearts and open closed doors . I continued towards home , a little warm glow beginning to melt the icy grip of fear . There were more battles to face , but it was a start . I couldn 't quite trust enough to hand over the reigns completely . But amazing doors were about to open . And unbeknownst to me , I was headed on a path to healing . My brother 's suicide left me feeling as if I had been pushed over an emotional cliff , arms flailing as my body hit the jagged edges of rock outcroppings on the way down . The suicide of my father felt like I had been tied to the front of a runaway train that broke away from the tracks and headed over the edge going 110 miles per hour . I hit bottom and lay there , stunned , and unable to move . Slowly , I rolled onto my back , exposing my belly like a trusting cat . But it wasn 't that I trusted , it was that I no longer cared . Hurt me if you want to , kill me if you must , just get it over with . The God I knew had broken me , but there was no supervisor above him to take him to task . In a small , dark corner of my mind , I thought there may be a hell worse than the one I was in , so I got up and kept moving , and spoke to no one about how I really felt about any of it . My father 's suicide coincided with a time when churches all over America were chatting it up big time about the end of the world . Author Hal Lindsey was pushing his theory that the planet was headed for disaster very soon . He had written a best - selling book and a film , aptly titled The Late Great Planet Earth . Another lovely end of the world scenario was published under the title , The Jupiter Effect , a best - selling book by John Gribbin , Ph . D , and Stephen Plagemann ( 1974 ) that predicted that an alignment of the planets of the solar system would create a number of catastrophes , including a great earthquake in my area of the country . This was supposed to take place in eight years . I was sitting on death row without the right to an appeal . In response to all this , pastors hurriedly began studying and teaching the Book of Revelation , readying the flock for the Great Tribulation . A conversation amongst believers hardly took place without the mention that time was short . The solid rock became shifting shale . I smiled as I sat in on a conversation about the fruitlessness of getting a living room re - carpeted ( considering we were all about to die ) but the tentacles of fear and sadness crept over and around me , squeezing the very breath from my lungs . My therapist added " with psychotic features " to my major depression diagnosis . I began " seeing " bushes dying , stairways crumbling , as if I could see the end of the world taking place before my very eyes . God had pushed the " fast - forward " button . The God I loved and trusted became the God I feared . This God had some bizarre plan for mankind that culminated in the " rapture of the church " and the " Mark of the Beast . " I observed those around me . I could not figure out how those who knew that this horror was on our very doorstep could go on living as before . Why weren 't they on their knees day and night , or snatching poor souls off street corners and away from death 's grip ? I literally could not figure it out . It never occurred to me that they did not believe what they were saying . I found myself a member of a club to which I no longer wanted to belong . I tried to ignore the leader , become invisible in the crowd . I had become afraid of Him . I politely listened to the others , but one of us was crazy , and I was pretty sure it had to be me . My pastor tried to help me . He was the voice of reason . I sequestered myself in my house , not daring to come out and face the zombie apocalypse . I asked question after question but the thoughts in my mind were tangled , like a rubber band ball . Trying to untangle them was exhausting , and I began to lose the ability to keep a thought in my mind for more than one or two seconds . I was coming to a crisis of faith . I read My Confession , by Tolstoy , and I identified with his plight . I was precariously close to releasing my grip on the branch in Tolstoy 's well . I may as well let go of my grip and sacrifice myself to the dragons below than wait for the mice to gnaw through it . Once in awhile I would have a thought , and to quote Tolstoy himself , " life rose within me . " Then , like my hallucinations , the thought would melt away and I 'd be left with nothing but a desire for death . Over and over this happened . I suffered from circuitry overload , and thoughts continued to disintegrate as fast as they would come . One day , a spark of hope lasted longer than usual . I realized that in all my railing against God , I had never felt his presence more sweetly . In all my anger and confusion , I had not succeeded in pushing him away . The opposite was true . Instead of allowing me to turn my back and walk away , he seemed to be relentlessly pursuing me . The hallucinations began to melt away along with the block of ice surrounding my heart . A cloak had been gently placed around my shoulders , and it felt a lot like love . My heart and mind began to heal . I had walked through the valley of the shadow and survived . Now it was time to stop awhile and rest by the stream , and then pick up my pack and keep moving . When I was fifteen I had a couple of experiences that would shape my expectations of how God works in the lives of those who love and follow after him . On a warm spring Sunday morning in 1967 , I asked Jesus to come into my heart in the living room of a woman everybody called " Gifford . " About ten of her followers were gathered around me , their arms lifted , their heads jerking and shaking , most of them moaning and praying in tongues . Gifford , being the homeowner and leader of this band of exuberant worshipers , had come up with her own brand of Christianity , and to say it was a little " off " is an understatement . In the Bible there is a little scripture that packs a powerful wallop . Romans 3 : 4 proclaims " Let God be true and every man a liar . " So , whatever Gifford 's belief system , she did love and trust God , and He tends to show up wherever he 's invited . A little later that morning , I walked off of Gifford 's front porch and out into the California sunshine feeling light as air , as if some heavy weight had been lifted off my shoulders . I felt a deep sense of profound love for every person on the planet . " How beautiful and wonderful people are ! " I thought , wanting to hug strangers on the street . It didn 't quite fit in with Gifford 's theology that everyone , except Catholics and African Americans , were worthy of this love , and so naturally I began to wonder about her belief that her church was one of the few that held the Truth . A few months later I was going through a mandatory " foot check " in my physical education class at Morningside High School in Inglewood , California . I was lucky enough to have a sore on the bottom of my foot that was alarming enough to get me sent home from school immediately . Later , a podiatrist diagnosed it as a papilloma , and surgically cut it out . He warned me that it could grow back , and if it did , I would have to have another surgery . Sure enough , by my three - week post op appointment , the darn thing had reappeared . I didn 't really care one way or the other . It had gotten me out of school one time , and maybe it could get me out of school again . But then Gifford got wind of it , and during a Wednesday night prayer meeting at her house church , I found myself once again in the midst of the group , rocking and rolling , shouting and moaning , and praying for my foot like my life hinged on the thing . My foot was anointed with oil and hands touched and jerked back , fingers vibrated over my toes and one particularly fired up prayer warrior played the top of my foot like a flute . When it was time to get myself off to the podiatrist that next Monday , my mother was , shall we say , " unavailable " to take me to the appointment , so I walked , which caused me to show up very late . By the time I arrived , the podiatrist was irritable but I had a hard time feeling any remorse . The guy just did not know what I dealt with . Hurriedly , he pulled my foot up onto the stool , ready to inject Novocain into the area of concern . He seemed puzzled as he carefully studied the bottom of my foot and glanced at my chart . He picked up my other foot , took off my shoe and sock , and stared at that foot . I watched as he looked from one foot to the other , several times . Finally , he looked up at me , both feet in his hands . He continued to stare at me for a moment longer , and then told me he had just felt the hair on his arms rise up as if in protest . I couldn 't wait to tell my mom . She didn 't like me going to that " Bible thumper " group , so now I had solid proof that my participation had actually saved her some money on medical bills . A lot happened in the eight years following my encounter with Christ within Gifford 's faithful group of followers ; a lot of terrible things . I ended up dazed , and confused , but I had not forgotten those experiences at her house church . Because of them , I believed Jesus could do ANYTHING ! So it was not out of the realm of possibility in my mind that since I had come crawling , broken and contrite , back into the fold , I would be healed again toot sweet . All fear , all sadness , all grief , all pain ; it would all be lifted out of my brain as quickly and easily as the papilloma had disappeared from the bottom of my foot . I had a plan , and that was to escape hell , both now and in the world to come , as quickly and easily as possible . The Lord had a plan too , and upon reflection , his made a lot more sense . He wanted healing for me more than I wanted it for myself . But he knew an instant healing would have been a temporary fix . I would have just " thought " myself back into the same set of symptoms . And besides … I had more trauma and heartache coming . Being God , he knew this , and he got very busy preparing me for what would come next . TagsChristianity , God , His Eye Is on the Sparrow , Jesus , Jesus Movement , life raft , Mental disorder , Pastor I had been pacing around the apartment for days . Once again I walked to the window and peered through the glass , hoping I would see Robert , walking up the sidewalk . I told myself that it was possible a mistake had been made , and that my brother , as soon as he woke from a coma in the body bag , would slip out of the morgue at the hospital , and just to be funny , come knocking on my front door . I seriously thought this was possible . At other moments during the long days at home alone , I sat on the floor , arms curled over my head , just rocking back and forth . If I denied the truth of my brother 's death long enough , maybe I could somehow undo the last two months . I felt myself losing ground , though . My precarious handle on reality was slipping away and a part of me wanted to let it go completely . Later that week , I sat across from the pastor who had performed the service for Robert . " Is God real ? " I asked . " I believe He is very real , " he answered . " Do you think Robert is in heaven ? " I ventured . I was afraid of this question , more afraid of the answer . My stomach was at a roiling boil , and I knew the wrong answer would feel like a blow to the gut . " I think God cares very much about people who are mentally ill , " Wilber answered tentatively . I didn 't push it . Just a glimmer of hope was enough for one day . " I need to find God , " I told him . " I don 't know how . " I knew instinctively , for me , in that moment of my life , that if there was no God , I was dead . I was laying it all on this one man to guide me to Him . " Linda , there is a pastor of a church here in town that I think you would like . I want to talk to him before I send you over there . Give me a week , ok ? " Fear of rejection filled me as I left his office . This was unknown territory . I got the " go - ahead " from Wilber and entered the sanctuary of the small church in El Segundo , California on a beautiful October day in 1975 . I had brought my brother 's widow along for moral support . Even so , I felt alone . I grabbed onto her arm and felt myself shaking . I was sure that the pastor was going to know whom I was and ask me to leave the building . Everyone looked so nice in his or her Sunday best . I knew I stuck out like a sore thumb . At five feet , five inches tall , my eighty - two pounds barely covered my skeleton . My hair was long and stringy , and my clothes were patched . The Jesus Movement was going strong in this area of the country but this church was obviously not used to those like me , with my hippie garb and vacant stare . As the pastor began to speak , my mind raced ahead . I looked around for the exits . The pastor was young , close to my age , I thought . He had looked right at me a couple of times , and I quickly glanced away . He finally closed his sermon and asked us to bow our heads and close our eyes . I wanted to be part of this group , this faith . I didn 't know how to begin and I really didn 't think I would be allowed to belong . As the last hymn was being sung , the pastor walked down the center aisle and opened the front doors , letting in ocean breeze on shafts of light . Turning , he waited to greet each parishioner , hugging each one as they said goodbye . I made it to the door , looking for an escape route through the crowd . Pastor Don was not about to let that happen . He grabbed me by the shoulders , gave me a big hug and said , " We 're so happy you are here with us , Linda ! " I forced myself to look up at his face . I saw compassion and concern . My legs felt funny , and I swallowed hard , nodding at him . That next week I ruminated . I feared that once Pastor Don knew more about me , he would regret being so welcoming . I wrote him a letter . I told him about how mentally ill I was , how messed up my life was , how I was living with my boyfriend , too ill to live on my own . I told him about my brother , and about my broken heart . I told him I didn 't think I could come back to his church , but I wanted to . I slipped the letter under the church doors and ran home . I wanted to get the rejection over with . Later that afternoon , I got a phone call from Pastor Don . He told me that he had spent the morning making phone calls and gathering the people of his little church together to fast and pray for me the following Tuesday . He invited me to be there but told me he understood if I didn 't feel I could make it . They would be praying for me anyway . I felt as if someone had handed me a life raft . I could only cling to the side right now , and attempt to hang on to the ropes . I had no strength to climb in . The sea was too rough , and I would be tossed about for a very long time . But there were others now , grabbing my hands , lifting me up every time I was about to sink . And sometimes , when I came closer to drowning than He would like , God Himself would step in and take it from there . A few days after my brother killed himself , I went to the apartment he had shared with his wife and two - year - old daughter . I was attempting to help his widow , who was also one of my closest girlfriends , pack up the apartment . She was moving back home with her mother . I was moving through my own days as if I were walking through black ooze . Emotions of hurricane strength made my experience of life feel one dimensional , as if part of me , the thinking part , had died along with my brother . All I could do is " feel . " I couldn 't respond to the questions of others . I stared at them and quietly wondered what it was they expected from me . The only sounds I seemed to be able to make were sounds of groaning or weeping . My eyes seemed to have lost their ability to see colors . The view from where I sat was dark and made up of varying shades of grey . I walked into my brother 's closet and spotted a pair of man 's brown wool socks lying on the floor . They were my brother 's socks . I picked them up and brought them up to my nose . My brother ! The smell of my brother when he was alive ! Desperately , I wondered how could I hold on to that pungent smell of dirty socks . Longing sat like a weight on my chest . My sister - in - law gently pried my fingers loose and threw the socks in a sack . I helped to plan his memorial service carefully . I bought a long blue dress with pictures of angels all over it . I hoped there were angels there , wherever he was . I asked a minister my brother and I knew to perform the service , and I picked out my brother 's favorite music , " Time in a Bottle , " by Jim Croce , and " So Sad , " by Alvin Lee and Mylon LeFevre . That last song tore me to shreds . I had played it for my brother many times , and now wondered if this helped to fuel his desire for death . One by one , the small group of people entered the borrowed church . The music played , the minister spoke . A few people stood to pay tribute . Too soon , it seemed to me , the service was ending and the last friend of my brother 's had stood to talk about what his friendship had meant to him . No one else had anything to say , so the minister dismissed the small band of mourners . As everyone filed out , all I could think was , " it can 't be over ! ! " I screamed , and fell against the person sitting next to me . Everyone hurried out , including my parents , leaving only the minister to try to deal with my hysteria . He handed me a pot of mums that someone had brought to the service and patted my back , helpless to know how to help me . A couple of days later , I took those potted mums and brought them to the Parks and Recreation Department in the small suburb of Los Angeles where we lived . " Can you plant these in one of the parks ? " I asked . " They are from my brother 's funeral . He died a week ago . " I sensed his compassion for the broken , sorrow - filled young woman standing before him ; he took the mums I held out to him . " Sure , " he said . A week later I tried to find them . I drove to every park in town . I pictured them languishing in the back of the landscaper 's pick - up truck and my heart broke for those mums , experiencing death all alone . A second death in two weeks . My brother dying all over again . The next day I went with his widow and my boyfriend up to the hills of Malibu , California . We took a shovel , his ashes , and a packet of " Forget Me Not " seeds . It was sunny and warm near the beach that day . I felt angry at the sun and felt the day should be shrouded in fog . We buried him there in the hard , dry ground , and scratched the dirt enough to cover the seeds . I would not know how to find that spot today , and I later regretted I did not make a map . I cried for my brother every morning as soon as I woke up for two straight years . I cried out to God during those dark , lonely days as well . When my father killed himself three years later , I knew the drill . But eventually , step - by - step , day - by - day , I healed . The colors of life not only returned , they became brighter than they had ever been . A lot has happened since then . It 's a pretty amazing , hope - filled story that continues to take twists and turns to this day . I hope you 'll continue on with me as I weave this multi - colored tapestry . People are amazed when they read about some of the things that happened , and frankly , I 'm always surprised at that . To me it just seems like " my life . " I 'm too busy just living it to stop and be amazed . And yet a part of me understands their reactions , and that 's why I 'm writing this story . Please post any comments or ask any questions you would like . |
I am grateful : that I can go purchase a new pair of shoes when I am feeling a bit blue ( so I did . . . they are much cuter than that picture makes them look ) that I have completed another sober yearthat I have another sober year to look forward tothat my major stress at work will be over some timethat I will probably take a vacation to a beach somewhere warm when it is overthat my old friend posted a comment on my blog tonight I am grateful that there is a fellowship of Alcholics Anonymous . I am grateful for the bloggers I have come in contact with . I think that is so so so so cool . I am grateful for all the groups I have been a member of over the years . I am grateful for all the lovely people I have come to know and love in AA - whether or not they stayed sober or remained my friend . I am grateful for my family . I wish my kids would get back from Yellowstone , I miss them ! I am grateful for my great niece who was born on my birthday and they named her MARY ! She will be baptised tomorrow . I am grateful that I can be a real member of my church today . There was a time when that was the last place on earth I wanted to be . Tonight , they read the name of one of my AA acquaintances in the list of the sick . I started crying when I heard that . I knew he was sick , but I guess I didn 't want to believe he was THAT sick . Happy New Year Everyone . I know it is hard to give up all of the good times . The vomiting , the blackouts , the waking up finding you have wet the bed , the mornings finding that everyone is angry with you and you haven 't any idea of why , the sleeping with people you shouldn 't , the " forgetting " to come home , and so many more things that make up the constellation of " good times " for an alcoholic . I have always said that it would be worth it if all I got out of sobriety was never waking up with that awful awful thought : What the hell did I do last night - and who knows ? I have not woken up that way once since I have been sober . You say " yes , I am willing . But am I to be consigned to a life where I shall be stupid , boring and glum , like some righteous people I see ? I know I must get along wihtout liquor , but how can I ? Have you a sufficient substitute ? " Yes , there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that . It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous . There you will find release from care , boredom and worry . Your imagination will be fired . Life will mean something at last . The most saisfactory years of your existence lie ahead . Thus we find the fellowship , and so will you . Alcoholics Anonymous , pg . 152May 2006 be a sober year for who wish for sobriety . I woke up at 1 : 00 a . m . with my brain a little bit too active . I am thinking of all the things I need to get done this weekend . And the irony is that losing sleep will make me less able to get it all done . Which makes me feel more restless and wide awake . I have had intermittent insomnia for most of my life . When I was still drinking I had it terribly . A drink would fix it up though . My thinking was so wacked back then that I would tell myself that even the President of the United States slept at night ! As if I had so many important things to think about that I might need to stay awake 24 / 7 just to think about them all ! I was a housewife for God 's sake ! I got back from a wonderful meeting at my home group , followed by pizza with great AA fellows . Well , they are all women , but they are fellows of Alcoholics Anonymous . Anytime you can sit between your sponsor and your sponsee , you know everything is just A - OK . I am plugged into Alcholics Anonymous , and I know that all is well . Today at work I was having such anxiety I spoke to my boss about it . He , being a psychiatrist , just said " hmmm . yes , I know . " But later I talked with the director of nursing and she , being a psych nurse , actually talked to me . She said that my anxiety is understandable , but really not appropriate . She said I am like a conductor of an orchestra . I can conduct , that is my job . If someone isn 't playing their instrument , that isn 't my responsibility . Oh ! That makes sense ! I need to keep this imagery foremost in my brain . I have a lot of work to get done and being anxious is just getting in the way . Thank God for meetings , my sponsor , my sponsee , some wonderful people I work with , learning in AA how to reach out to others when I need help , learning in AA how to reach out to others when they need help , and learning how to reach out to others to help them when I need to just forget about myself for 5 minutes . Please be gentle with me . I am new and inexperienced . Thanks for the invite dAAve . I have no idea how to do this . But here it is , my maiden attempt at HNT . And now I shall go out for my run . And I will thank God I can . Then I shall go to work . And I will thank God I can . I will also thank God that I didn 't get rid of all my clothes when they were too big , just most of them . Because I have a couple pairs of pants and a couple of skirts I can still squeeze on this ever enlarging body . 4 months without any extreme exercise was too long . But now I can exercise again and I can be very very grateful that I can . Yesterday I went to my old home group . It was good to be there . It was good to see some old friends . It was a wonderful surprise to see Andy walk in the door . He moved away almost 9 years ago . I have known him since he got sober - which is now almost 21 years ago . He was my boyfriend for a short while , then we managed to become very good friends after the romance didn 't work . I drove to Tucson last June to pass on my 20 year chip to him . In the last few years he has been increasingly bitter and angry , but I have always been able to deflect that and get to the human side of him . Yesterday was different . I stood and cried . We have always been polar opposites politically , but we have always been able to have lively and respectful debate and continue to be friends . Yesterday he attacked me . I was not prepared for that . I told him I would not argue with him and clearly he knew that I did not agree with him . We ended up having a cup of coffee , some fairly superficial conversation , and made a plan to go see " Brokeback Mountain " last night . He called in the afternoon and left a message saying that he was going to take his mother out for dinner and he would catch me on his next trip to Denver . I am sad to say I was very relieved . This is really the first time I have had an AA relationship be impacted by external things like politics . It makes me so sad . I am a political junkie . I always have cable news on . I read a lot . But I am not going to tell you where I stand on anything polital because it doesn 't have anything to do with AA . ( Besides , I have another blog where I am not identified as an AA member and I trot out my political views . ) The wisdom of the AA Traditions is incredible . The Tenth Tradition is so important . I hope this doesn 't sound like self - pity . I am just so sad . I just love Andy . I rode my bike this morning for the first time since my accident ! 4 months and 6 days without a bike ride is a long time . It was so good to get on my bike . Well , actually , I dragged out my old clunky mountain bike ( it was like driving your grandfather 's Oldsmobile ) because I am still a bit afraid of my street bike . I rode down to the park just a few miles from here and took a few pictures and just sat for a few minutes in the beautiful Christmas sunshine . What a Christmas gift . Another gift : my 3 adult children and 2 grandchildren were all here with me yesterday . They spent a sober day with their mother . There was a time when not only had I lost custody of my children , but there was a restraining order prohibiting me from contacting them . One of my daughters called this morning to wish me a Merry Christmas and tell me what a great time they all had yesterday . More gifts : I will be going to J & C 's for Christmas dinner today . I am sure it will be a wonderful dinner because it will be with wonderful AA members . My sponsor loved the hand knit socks I gave her for Christmas . I am so grateful to have such an incredible woman in my life . Yesterday , sitting in the meeting , I realized that I have made a home on this side of town . . . 11 years later . There are so many good members of that group who have known me as part of that group since they got sober . I love my old group ( on the other side of town ) with people I have known since I got sober , but I feel almost as warm about the people I have known only these last 11 years . Minerva ( my cat ) did not hiss at my grandchildren once yesterday - that is a big fat miracle ! And to the sober blogging community : you guys are the best ! I have felt embraced by you in the last month or so and I can 't tell you what it means to me . I love reading your blogs , and so look forward to the comments you post on mine . Thanks and warm wishes to all of you ! Love on Christmas from Mary Christine . Merry Christmas Everyone . I am on my way out the door to a meeting . I am happy to be going to a meeting this morning . I am happy that I decided to leave work WAY early yesterday and got my stuff done . I am happy that today will be about getting a run in , getting my nails done , cooking a little , spending a lot of family time . Playing my new RISK ! game ! Here are some staying sober tips for Christmas : Go to meetings , you may find someone who really needs what only you have to offer . Don 't go anywhere you can 't leave ( be able to walk away or drive away , but don 't come with someone else and be dependent upon them being able to leave at the moment you are uncomfortable . ) If you are at an event where alcohol is being served , have a glass , can , or cup in your hand at all times . That way you will not be offered a drink as often , and you will always know what is in your drink . Get " prayed up " before you go anywhere that may be tempting , upsetting , or you may have expectations about . Read page 101 of the big book , and really ask yourself the questions posed there , then follow the directions on page 102 . " Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed . " God Bless You . Merry Christmas . These are pictures from my run yesterday . The sunrise was absolutely incredible . My whole little corner of the world was bathed in a pink glow . Maybe I should explain why I am so enamored of running . . . Four years ago today , I had my first date with a man from my home group . He was sober for a little over 2 years and I was thrilled to go out with him . I had known him since he started going to my group . From the moment I set my eyes on him , I was just crazy about him . But it is extremely unethical for people with long term sobriety to be dating newcomers , so I behaved myself . ( Although in retrospect , I probably shouldn 't have dated him with even 2 years of sobriety . ) We developed a wonderful relationship . We had so much fun . He is a cowboy from the mountains of Colorado . We took trips , we panned for gold , we went away to the mountains with bunches of other crazy sober folks and had paint ball wars , we went to rodeos , state fairs , and concerts . I started listening to country music ( which I still do today ) . I bought cowboy boots and wranglers ( ? ! ? ! ) My kids loved him . His family loved me . After about a year , we started talking about getting married . At about this time , he got into an argument with his brother , and really showed him ! He got drunk ! He had just gotten his three year chip , and he was drunk . He tried to get sober again . He tried repeatedly . We put the marriage plans on hold , but kept seeing each other . He promised me I would never see him drunk . For almost a year he kept his promise . But on August 18 , 2003 he showed up at my house drunk . I could not get him to leave . He is 6 ' 5 " and extremely buff ( yummy ) and it occurred to me that what physically attracted me to him in the beginning was now something very frightening . I told him to sleep it off in my family room ( away from me ) and he went down there and camped out on the sofa . It was a terrible 36 or so hours until he finally left . He ruined my coffee table by spilling water ( or some other clear liquid ) on it and leaving it there . Anyway , he did finally leaPosted by It is 56 degrees outside . And the days are getting longer now ! Woo Hoo ! I am going to head out for a run . I might even try to do 2 . 5 miles . This is freaking exciting ! Today at work I have only one meeting . I may be able to shut my door and get some work done . Tonight I have my home group . My sponsor will be there and we will probably go have dinner after the meeting . But I really want some more borscht . I might even eat that stuff for breakfast . It was so good . This is what I made for dinner tonight . I am so sick of candy , cookies , pies , etc . , that what I really felt I had to have tonight was BORSCHT ! So I bought the makings on the way home from work and cooked it up and let it simmer while I made evil toffee ( see below ) . Oh those veggies were so good . Beet soup is the anti - candy . This is the toffee that I am sick to death of making . I made yet another batch tonight because I keep finding more people I need to give some to . This is the last batch . I hope never to see any more almond toffee ! Lighten up ! That 's what my sponsor told me . She said I am a very serious person . Actually I think a better adjective might be " grim " . At least right now . Now , if you met me , you would think I am a riot . I am a very funny person . But the last couple of weeks have me so stressed out about work and I am beginning to get totally overwhelmed with Christmas - and I am getting a bit too serious on a regular basis . Take this morning 's post for instance . I was feeling grim this morning . Well , shee - up at 3 : 30 a . m . so that I could make almond toffee and meringue cookies . Was too busy to run even though it was WARM ( 65 degrees this afternoon ! ) That 's all I have to share . My experience , strength , and hope . As AA members , we are all in the same boat . The boat of trying to stay sober , one day at a time . There isn 't a hierarchy of AA members . There isn 't a magic day when you are cured and therefore become a counselor to all the poor unfortunates who come through the door . Around the country , there are some differences in the way things are done within AA . One that I find varies widely is the stating of your sobriety date . Where I live , it is considered boastful to talk about how long you have been sober . I have also found that people stop listening to you when they find out you have been sober for over 20 years - because they think you have somehow graduated to that higher level of recovery that they can 't relate to . So I generally keep my mouth shut about how long I have been sober . But just for the record , I will state that I went to my first AA meeting on July 24 , 1984 , and I have not had a drink since then . Words cannot begin to convey what that means to me . I can assure you that MY best efforts did not achieve this . My best efforts would have had me drunk within my first year . The fact that I am sitting here this morning , at the age of 54 , in a nice clean house ( that I own ) , writing on a nice computer , about my decades of sobriety is strictly due to the Grace of a loving God . Yes , there was and is " work " to do . But it pales in comparison to what I have been so freely given . In my wildest imaginings , I could not have dreamed up the life I have today . A little bit of going to meetings , working with others , doing some steps , helping others do some steps . . . that is like paying 2 cents and getting 2 million dollars . My intention is to stay sober for the rest of my life . But I can only take care of today . I could be drunk tomorrow . But as long as tomorrow finds me taking care of that day , I should be fine . I am so grateful for a loving God who has blessed me so abundantly . I am so grateful for AA and the wonderful friends I have had over the years . I have other Posted by Gosh ! It is 31 degrees outside and I am going to get out there while the gettin 's good and run . It is almost not freezing ! This is practically a heat wave ! I am so grateful that it is a new day . I have a Christmas lunch to attend at the department I worked in for 8 years ( started as administrative assistant and left as the department director ) . I am really grateful to them for inviting me , I have nothing to do with that department anymore and haven 't for over 3 years - I am glad they still consider me at least partially a member of their department . It will be nice . I need to run to REI and get my son the mittens he wants . Who ever heard of paying $ 100 . for a pair of mittens ! ? ! ? But I am so glad that I can do that . There were so many years that Christmas was so painful for me because I couldn 't afford to get my kids the things they wanted . I could go on and on but the Colorado sunrise is calling to me " Mary , Mary , come out and run ! " I had a day today . It was challenging . I tried to start it over several times . I closed my office door TWICE and called my sponsor . Sheesh . Thank God I am not one of those folks with over 20 years of sobriety who thinks she no longer needs a sponsor ! As it is , I am a person with a little over 21 years who needs her sponsor and I thank God for her every day . When she told me today that I could start my day over again , I told her I had already started it several times , they were all bad days and I was only compounding the problem . Luckily for me , she also thought this was funny . My sponsee came over tonight and after I listened to her - I felt better . This is the way it works for me . When I get out of my own self for even a minute , I feel better . She is in a good place right now and I am not so good . She also listened to me , which was sweet . She and her partner invited me over for Christmas dinner . ( My kids come over on Christmas Eve and spend Christmas Day with their dad . ) She said they are having a " lesbian dinner " and I asked what that was . When she said it was steak and baked potatoes , I was shocked ! and asked her if she thought I was a secret lesbian because I LOVE steak and baked potatoes . She laughed her ass off at that ! My neighbor just came over and brought me a Christmas present . That is so nice . I think I will give her the pair of hand knit socks that I didn 't know exactly who was going to get . I have never lived anywhere long enough to get to be friends with neighbors before now . It is a real challenge for me to stay in the same place this long . I have lived in this house for 4 . 25 years . This is longer than I have lived anywhere since I left my parents ' home in 1970 . I have now been employed at the same place for over 11 years . That is a super huge challenge . Prior to getting sober I never worked in one place for longer than a year and a half . This stuff is important for me . I am sure it isn 't important to everyone . But to me , this steadiness , and this consistency are good . This morning I stood in church ( a place that I would not have been caught dead in earlier in my life ) and realized that I fit there . I am a member in good standing of my church . Holy Cow ( sorry ) . There were people from work there and I got to talk to them on the way out . Which means , I am a member of my community . I live here , I work here , I go to meetings here , and I go to church here . Oh and I go to the gym here . . . saw a doctor from work at the gym today . Fun . I am looking forward to getting back to work tomorrow . Oh my . It is dangerous out there . I just went to the grocery store and it is cold , snowing , icy , and road ragey . The road rage is the worst part . There was an incident in the parking lot , there was an incident on my own street ( and it is a cul de sac ) on the way out of here . I need to drive 35 miles ( each way ) to my daughter 's house and pick up my granddaughters . We are making cookies today . I am grateful for a good car . I am grateful for heated seats . I am grateful for the meeting this morning . I am grateful for pretty snow even if it is hazardous . I am grateful for 15 degrees , that is 15 more than zero . And I am sober today - what more could I ask ? JJ - I understand about placing the important things in a position of prominance on the family Christmas tree . Tonight I was able to write all my Christmas cards and wrap all the presents I have bought to date . . . . I still have more shopping to do . Having accomplished these major milestones , I can now go to bed and sleep soundly . No running for Mary Christine this morning . It is too freaking cold outside . I hope to get to work early so I can leave early . There is a part of me that is dreading going to work today . I got a bunch of frantic calls yesterday while I was off . I called in to find out what was going on and it is something I have never dealt with before and I am not particularly looking forward to it . Often times these things that cause anxiety are my greatest lessons and cause the exhilaration of discovery and triumph ! That is , as long as I put one foot in front of the other and walk through them and don 't try to avoid them . My birthday was fabulous . On my way to get a manicure yesterday ( my little treat for myself ) I decided to stop at Safeway and get the stuff to make pizza . The kids were so glad I decided to make it myself . I told them they were responsible for dessert and I didn 't care what they got . My son brought a huge bag full of dilly bars from Dairy Queen . What fun ! So I am off to face my day . I will suit up and show up and leave the results to God . And be incredibly grateful for this way of life . What a lot of gratitude I have today ! I took a day of vacation so that I could just goof off on my birthday . It is nice . I went to a 6 : 30 a . m . meeting . I got to see Holly who is one day younger than I . She will be 54 tomorrow . She is about to graduate from college , and thanked me profusely in the meeting for showing her by example that it was possible to accomplish this at our advanced age . She , however , is graduating Summa Cum Laude - I was a mere Magna Cum Laude . I went swimming after the meeting . I am so grateful to be able to swim and run again after my bike accident . There were three months when I could not do much . I gained weight which I hope to lose soon ( there is a brand new brown wool pin striped suit sitting in my closet mocking me every morning - I only wore it twice before the pants got too tight ! ) Some day I will get back on my bike , but I have not tried that yet . I think it will be a challenge to ride again . My kids are coming over tonight . I hope to get a nice picture of all of us . I can 't help but think about next year ( yeah , one day at a time ) when my son will be in Iraq . Just writing that makes the bottom fall from my guts . I really have been trying to stay in today with this . . . I can 't afford to think about it too much . But I do think about it . I am so proud that such a good man is my son . He astounds me . Here 's a question . . . I have always cooked a nice dinner for my kids on my birthday - mainly because I LOVE to cook . I told them I didn 't want to do that this year and what I would really like is to order pizza ( further delaying the wearing of my brown suit ) . But now that I am taking the day off , I am wondering if I should make my world famous homemade pizza . . . . Any thoughts ? Should the birthday mom and nana make dinner ? I just think you bloggers are the best ! Thanks ! Thirty - three years ago tonight , I was drinking beer in my apartment , getting ready for it to be late enough to go out on the town because the next day was my 21st birthday . My friend Maureen and I sat on the steps of Vince 's County Line Inn ( very tony establishment ) and waited for it to be midnight . At midnight , we walked into the bar and ordered a beer . The bartender asked for ID , and I asked him what time it was . He said " exactly midnight " and the celebrations began ! I can assure you that Vince 's County Line Inn was not a popular spot for young women to celebrate their birthdays . Which made me and Maureen extremely popular with the middle - aged and elderly gents at the bar . They let us tend bar , we danced on the bar to " Holly Jolly Christmas " , and then it really went down hill . As the dawn broke on my 21st birthday , I woke to the sound of a rooster crowing ( when you live in Chicago you know something has gone seriously wrong if you wake to the sound of a rooster ) . I looked around at the shabby farmhouse , and the several men who were with me . I was horrified . I quickly threw on my clothes and drove to work ! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - And today I am happily sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous . My three adult children and two grandchildren are coming over tomorrow night to celebrate my birthday . I won 't need to sit on the steps of a bar and I won 't do anything that shames me . I decided today to take a day of vacation tomorrow . I am glad I can do that . I might go to a meeting in the morning - if I wake up in time . I might go swimming , if I feel like it . I might wrap Christmas presents , and I might buy some more presents . I don 't have to do one single thing . Thank you God for this peaceful , quiet , satisfying , loving life I have today . And thank you for AA , my family , friends , and wonderful bloggers . Posted by I am going to do a gratitude list of sorts here . I have been struggling a bit lately and a gratitude list would be a good idea . . . I am so grateful to a loving God who brought me to this place that I had absolutely no clue even existed . I am sober ! I am a neighbor among neighbors , a friend among friends , a worker among workers , and an AA members among AA members , etc . I am a participating member of my family . I think this blog is a lifesaver . I have absolutely loved reading the blogs of the other sober bloggers . What a wonderful thing . And to have people read my blog , I cannot begin to describe what an honor I think that is ! I am grateful that I got to go out on a beautiful 41 degree morning this morning and ran a 2 mile route I did on " easy " days before I broke a rib . I am grateful that I could show up for work at 9 : 00 a . m . I am grateful that I have an office with a door at work . And that I closed it this morning and called my sponsor . I am so grateful for my sponsor , that is another thing that words can 't begin to describe . She stressed to me that I need to take time for good self care . She was formerly an executive in healthcare so she understands the pressure I am under right now . She knows that there is not much I can do about it but just push through and get to the other side of it . She commended me on my getting back to running . I am so grateful for the sponsee I am currently actively working with . I am humbled by the experience of being her sponsor . She brought me a birthday present last night . It was some nice body butter that I had borrowed and admired after the meeting last Thursday . I am grateful that one of my colleagues took me out for lunch today for an early birthday present . I am grateful for wonderful Thai food . . . especially red bean ice cream ! I am grateful that I got about 8 hour 's worth of work done today between 4 : 00 and 6 : 00 p . m . I am grateful for a vending machine at the post office where I was able to purchase my Christmas stamps after work . And especially to the woman who was so willing to tPosted by Uptight before Christmas , all through these rooms alcoholics were stricken with holiday gloom . They prayed , " Santa , please make us happy , joyous & free , bring us candy and presents and serenity . " Greed filled their minds and envy their hearts and someone said , " It 's time for the meeting to start ! " " Does anyone have a topic for discussion tonight ? " Every face in the place turned wintery white ! They lost all self - seeking , self - pity and self - will when down through the chimney came the ghost of St . Bill ! He chuckled and said as he sat himself down " Call the White House and tell ' em there 's a new Dubya in town . " Then he looked through a big book and said with a tear , " Wow ! No one rewrote this after all these years ! Clean house , help your neighbor , be loving and kind , and don 't take the first drink one day at a time . How could a message as simple as this be realized , analyzed and intellectually dismissed ? here lies the reason this ghost has arrived : to re - give a gift that has saved all your lives ! " Then he set up a big screen and a DVD so every lost soul in the meeting could see . He played a movie of drunks at their best and their worst , what is and what was , when blessed and cursed . There were scenes of a housewife passed out at a bar , a respectable businessman wrecking his car , a fight in a kitchen , a fight in bed , a fightat a reception between newlyweds . An empty bottle , a desperate man alone ina motel with a gun in his hands . He puts down the gun and picks up the phoneand whimpers and blubbers , " Honey , let me come home . " She hangs up as she tells him , " Don 't call here anymore . " He reaches for the phone book and falls to the floor . Somehow that phone book seems to capture his gaze : it 's open to a number under the " A " 's . Then all of the people in the movie convergedon the poor side of town in the basement of a church . Driven together in a willing herdto hear of hope and deliver the word . The ghost of Bill W . turned off the TV and said , " The first word of the first step is ' we ' . I suggest you start there and see where you go . Be thorough and fPosted by It is 6 : 30 a . m . , and still dark outside ! We are nearing the darkest day of the year , and then I always consider it practically springtime when the days start getting longer . I am not going to work out this morning because I managed to get two good workouts in over the weekend . I managed to run 2 miles on Saturday . . . I have not been able to run more than a mile and a half since I broke a rib in August . Maybe by the first of the year I will be able to run 3 miles several times a week as I did before the injury . I didn 't blog yesterday . I am trying to not be such a nut case about blogging . I put up my Christmas tree , finished the Christmas stocking for my granddaughter , finished up another pair of socks I had started and forgotten , and then started on a new pair of socks . It was a productive and extremely quiet day . At some point in late afternoon , I realized I had spoken to only one person all day . I had asked the woman in the next lane at the pool how far she swims - she is often there when I get there and still there swimming away when I leave . I called my daughter , she was at work , so I spoke to her husband . I told him I put up my Christmas tree and he said " All by YOURSELF ? ! ? " Yes , Bob , all by myself . I live alone . By myself . I think next year I may get rid of all of my newer Christmas decorations . They were all purchased by my former boyfriend . Putting them up really highlights to me how much I miss him . I heard on Saturday after the meeting that his drinking is now so bad that he hasn 't shown up for work for over a week . God Bless Him . He called me some time over the weekend and left a drunken message " Merry Christmas Mary . " I had to listen to it several times to even figure out what he was saying . OK , I better stop this , it is too sad . I will go get on with my life . And thank God for my sobriety and the wonderful life I have today . Tonight I sat down to start knitting a new pair of socks . The phone rang . It was from NYC . . . I could see by the caller ID . I thought it was my sister even though I knew it wasn 't her number . But it wasn 't my sister , it was a wonderful surprise . It was my friend Chris from high school . We talked for 2 hours . I haven 't talked to him for over 2 years . Chris reminded me of how much my life has changed . When you have been sober for a long time , it is like a breath of fresh air to speak with someone who actually knew you when you were a drunk . Thank God I made amends to him when I was newly sober - I hadn 't spoken to him for years then , but managed to find him to make amends . We have stayed in touch since then . . . not frequent , but fairly consistently . We laughed about how old we are getting , and he said when he talks to me he still sees a 16 year old getting high and dancing at the club . I told him I still see him in his striped bell - bottoms ! This morning I went to my old home group . I love to go there and see people I have known for decades . When I was talking to a couple of my old friends after the meeting , it became evident to me that I am more stressed out than I thought . I had to be told a couple of times that people were joking . . . I am about as serious as a heart attack right now and that is not good . Even at the yarn shop , the owner encouraged me to stay and knit for a while - for therapy . She has known me for about 15 years and we have become friends . With her encouragement , I bought yarn to make a pair of socks because that is my favorite thing to knit . But I did not stay to knit because I had so very many things to get done today . I intended to knit tonight , but I got the phone call from my old friend . I am so glad he called . I burnt my thumb tonight while making peanut brittle . I got a big splotch of 275 degee candy on my thumb and when I washed it off , the skin came off with it . Yuck ! and Ow ! I have an ice pack on it now . It is not easy to type while icing your thumb . But this blog is so vital to the continued existence of the earth that I thought I better make the supreme sacrifice and blog through the pain ! My daughter came over tonight and helped me make our annual almond toffee and peanut brittle . She took generous portions with her for the snowshoe trip she and my son are making this weekend . They will eat toffee and peanut brittle in the yurt at night . Here is my plea for help . . . I would really like my blog to include links to the blogs of my newfound friends . I hate to admit it , but I have no idea of how to do this . I tried it the other night , but instead of having a nice looking link , I had " http : / / www . . . . . bla bla bla " Can someone please help me with this ? Thanks ! ( This is a picture of the view from my home group taken earlier in the year when it was still light during the meeting . ) Tonight I went to my home group . It was a woman I sponsor 's 10th AA anniversary . It was so good to be there and watch this woman get a ten year chip . What a thrill to watch the smile on her face and hear her talk . What a miracle this program is . After the meeting , my sponsor , my sponsee , and I went out for tacos ( well , actually I orininally ordered a seviche tostada , but it was so cold , I got that wrapped to bring home and got two shredded beef tacos , yummy . ) I like to think of us alcoholics as fibers . Individually , we are weak , flimsy , strands of fiber . But put us together , bound by the program of Alcoholics Anonymous , we are like a very strong rope . We just have to stay in unity with the rest of the rope ! My sponsor got sober in 1973 . She is still sober , by the Grace of God . I have been sober since 1984 , by the Grace of God . My sponsee got sober in 1995 , she is still sober , by the Grace of God . What a wonderful safe feeling to be in the middle of these two incredible women I love so much . I feel that I am safe in the loving arms of Alcoholics Anonymous . Welcome to all the current and future fibers of Alcoholics Anonymous . And thank you to the people who have taken the time to read this blog . I think it is such an honor to have you take your time to read this . And to comment - what a wonderful thing to read comments and connect to others . Thank you so much . I need to be at church tomorrow at 6 : 30 a . m . , and I have to work all day ( outrageous ! ) , then my sponsee is celebrating her 10th anniversary / birthday at my home group tomorrow night . It will be a busy day with perhaps no time for blogging . I have been thinking about my dad today . My dad was a wonderful man . He was 40 years old when I was born , and he was quite ill . He was terribly afflicted with alcoholism and had a host of other health problems . He had his first heart attack when I was 3 years old . So many of my early memories involve my father being whisked away by ambulances , and the following death watch . On April 15 , 1965 , a man came to visit at our home . I asked my mother who he was and she said he was from Alcoholics Anonymous . I said " Dad is not an alcoholic ! " , she said " if he isn 't , I don 't know who is ! " Amazing that 40 years later I can remember these words verbatim . In the years to come I got to experience first hand what it is like to have a parent throw his heart and soul into AA . Our family life was entirely transformed . It was glorious . In 1971 , my mother died after a short illness . My father was quick to remarry and I was so shocked when he married a woman who drank like a fish . He insisted that she was not alcoholic . On July 15 , 1975 , I happened to phone my dad and was horrified to find that he was drunk ! He taken an early retirement from work that very day after his physician had told him that his heart would only last 6 months tops , and that he should get his affairs in order . He decided to drink . Later he would only tell me " resentment really IS the number one offender . " He moved his wife back to the small town in Iowa that she was from . He went with her of course , thinking he would be dead in short order . He lived , and lived , and lived and lived . Year after year after year . And he could never get sober again . He lived the most miserable existence I could ever imagine . He lived in a lovely home , with every material thing he could ever want , but he lived in drunken misery . He told me he just couPosted by How peculiar . I had a smoking dream last night . I have had them before , but this one was odd and different . In the past , I have had dreams that somehow I am " getting away " with smoking one or two cigarrettes a day . In this dream , I was in a motel room and my sister was visiting - which is extremely odd since she lives in NYC . She was smoking Marlboro cigarettes , as she does . She left the room and left a cigarrette buring in the ash tray . So , I did what anyone would do , right ? I stuck the cigarrette in my mouth and took two very long hits on it . Then I smashed the remainder of the butt into the ash tray . I got up and in disgust , looked at the mirror . There was smoke still coming out of my mouth . I felt sick . I thought about the 14 years since I last smoked . I took a shower . Then I woke up . Isn 't this the most Scintillating Blog in the Universe ! Weather reports on a daily basis ( it is up to 0 degrees now ! ) , updates on my work - out schedule , pictures of my very exciting knitting , and now a dream report ! Thank you to anyone who has read this . . . . . . . I couldn 't get any blogspots yesterday when I got home from work . I couldn 't get mine , or anyones . It was fairly terrible ! I was so happy this morning to go check out some of my newfound friends ' blogs , and of course , get on my own ! It being Monday yesterday , my sponsee came over . She celebrated 10 years of sobriety on Sunday ! I was actually able to find one of my old 10 year chips and pass it on to her . Happy Birthday Janine ! ! ! Yeah ! I am so grateful to be her sponsor . I meant to go to the gym this morning , but I didn 't wake up until 5 : 30 ! So I will venture out in a couple of minutes for a brisk morning run . It is 23 degrees which is a heck of a lot warmer than it ever got yesterday . I am glad I have all the gear I need to get out and safely run in cold weather . Most of the time I really enjoy a nice , crisp , winter run . I have read about all the Christmas decorating you all are doing . Usually by this time of year , I have my house all decked out . For some reason I have not been motivated to do it yet this year . I have put the little electric candles in all my windows , and they look pretty at night , but that is all I have done . My neighbor across the street usually puts Martha Stewart to shame so I was flattered when I saw the little electric candles in all her windows on Sunday ! Imitation being the sincerest form of flattery ( or something like that ) . My daughter is coming over on Friday night and we are making the almond toffee and peanut brittle that is our tradition . She is leaving on Saturday for a snow shoeing trip with her brother ( my son ) . They will be staying in a yurt on Saturday night . I really worry about them . But I am so glad that 2 out of 3 of my children really love the outdoors and do all sorts of healthy activities . I better get running . . . The wind is blowin ' . I can hear grit / ice / dirt hitting my sky lights ! It is really blowing , they say on the news that there are gusts up to 80 mph . I have heard that my route to work is a sheet of black ice . This is when I am very grateful that I don 't have an 8 : 00 meeting this morning . I don 't have any meetings at all today ! Woo Hoo ! I can leave for work after 8 : 00 , maybe by then the roads will have improved , or at least there won 't be so many people on them . Yikes . I just heard something substantial hit the side of my house . I can 't believe I still have electricity . Wow . What a day . I am so excited that my Broncos are playing today . This is going to be a hard game . I sure hope we win . I HATED football when I was drinking . When I was sober for a couple years , I decided to sit down and watch a game . It happened to be the best game of football ever - I think . The Broncos at Cleveland , for the AFC Championship of 1986 - the game with the famous drive . I have been hooked on football ever since . OK . I have really tried to say nothing in this blog that has an " opinion on outside issues " and AA as a whole certainly doesn 't have an opinion on the NFL , but ME personally , Mary Chrstine G . , I LOVE the Broncos . Yesterday I went out for lunch and Christmas shopping with my 26 year old twin daughters . What a joy . We had vietnamese coffee for dessert after our vietnamese lunch and it wasn 't pretty . We all got so silly , we were laughing uncontrollably . One of the girls took a movie of us ( laughing like jackasses ) with her cell phone . Once again , thank you to everyone who has visited this week . And double thanks go to the people who post comments . I am so grateful to you . I woke up at about 1 : 00 this morning and saw the snow falling in big fat flakes and was so excited I was up most of the night . I opened the drapes in my bedroom so that I could see the general whiteness through my lace curtains . Oh , it was so beautiful . I was going to drive to my old home group across town this morning . When I saw the snow , I rethought that plan . I will either go tomorrow or go to the morning meeting on this side of town . I really feel the need to sit with my old cronies though . Whenever I think of what I cannot do due to snow , I have to remember this though : On my 22nd birthday , I was stood up by my date . This was in Chicago , and it being December 15 , there was a blizzard . My date had a terrible car accident on the way to my house and was unable to call and tell me that , but I didn 't know that until a day or two later . I was upset - to put it mildly . And I think the worst part was that I was waiting for him to bring booze , I was rapidly drinking all the booze I had in my apartment . As it got later and later and I hadn 't heard from him , I decided to give up on him and go to the liquor store . There was so much snow that I couldn 't get my car out of the parking lot . The snow was still falling - sideways . I did what any reasonable drunk would do - I decided to walk to the liquor store . . . in a blizzard , in the dark , in the cold . The liquor store was 2 miles away and I did manage to get there and back . When I have recalled this incident since I have been sober , the thing that really astounds me is the memory of what I bought at the liquor store . Having walked 2 miles in snow up to my knees and with some drifts higher than that , and with snow still falling , and wind still blowing , and having 2 miles ahead of me to walk home - what did I buy ? A 12 pack of beer ! What the hell was I thinking ? I remember stumbling in the snow with a soaking wet carton with the precious 12 12 oz . cans . So when I want to complain about being an old lady , I just remember that it is a miracle that I even lived to be 30 let alonPosted by I think I 'll stay inside ! I loved the 18 degree run yesterday . The only part of me that was cold was my face . I thought to myself " my face hurts " , and in my mind , my three older brothers exclaimed with glee " Its Killing Me ! ! " Later I told my daughter about my run , sharing the bit about my face hurting . Amazingly enough , she laughed and exclaimed with glee " Its Killing Me ! ! ! " Generations of real cards . This morning I woke up at 5 : 15 a . m . and before I looked at the clock , I hoped that it was time to get up . Because I wanted to get up and get going . It is a wonderful thing to want to get out of bed in the morning and get on with the day . My work is very exciting right now . It is incredibly stressful and just insanely intense , but it is right up my alley . This is what I do well . Yesterday a colleague came into my office , gravely closed the door , and sat down to talk to me . I was really afraid for what kind of bad news she might be bringing . She told me that she had just turned in her resignation . I am happy for her , but unhappy for me . I actually cried when she told me . I am glad that our relationship is OK because 2 or 3 months ago , I got angry with her and actually stormed out of her office and slammed the door ! I had to make amends the next day which was terrifying . I had NEVER in my 11 years at the hospital behaved in a way that I later needed to make amends for . Thankfully , she happily accepted my amends and we moved on from there . I am so grateful for this way to live . I am grateful that I am grateful that I am going to work today . I am grateful that I have a way of taking care of problems as they arise . I am grateful that it is December 2 , 2005 . Thanks for reading . What an honor . It is 15 degrees and I am going to go outdoors and run . Oh my . I have all the gear I need to do this and I don 't want to drive to the gym , get on the treadmill , take a shower , get dressed , put on my make - up and do my hair in public this morning ! I was out too late last night with my daughter . We went " Christmas " shopping . We both managed to purchase things for ourselves , but no presents for anyone else . We had wonderful burgers at 9 : 00 p . m . at Ted 's Montana Grill . Oh my , they were yummy . That is so too late for me to eat dinner . Tonight my home group meets . I haven 't seen my sponsor for a couple of weeks because she has been out of town . Hopefully I will be able to talk a bunch of us into going out for pizza after the meeting . Can anyone tell me how to get a picture onto my profile ? I can put pictures into my posts , but cannot for the life of me figure out how to get a picture into my profile . When you are using a picture from your own computer , how do you do that ? I know that I open the ' edit profile ' thing and go to the add photo line , but it doesn 't work ! ! I tried to put in the " address " of my picture in picassa , but it does not work . Help ? Thanks again for the fellowship . I have loved reading the blogs of the people who have left comments . |
I am grateful : that I can go purchase a new pair of shoes when I am feeling a bit blue ( so I did . . . they are much cuter than that picture makes them look ) that I have completed another sober yearthat I have another sober year to look forward tothat my major stress at work will be over some timethat I will probably take a vacation to a beach somewhere warm when it is overthat my old friend posted a comment on my blog tonight I am grateful that there is a fellowship of Alcholics Anonymous . I am grateful for the bloggers I have come in contact with . I think that is so so so so cool . I am grateful for all the groups I have been a member of over the years . I am grateful for all the lovely people I have come to know and love in AA - whether or not they stayed sober or remained my friend . I am grateful for my family . I wish my kids would get back from Yellowstone , I miss them ! I am grateful for my great niece who was born on my birthday and they named her MARY ! She will be baptised tomorrow . I am grateful that I can be a real member of my church today . There was a time when that was the last place on earth I wanted to be . Tonight , they read the name of one of my AA acquaintances in the list of the sick . I started crying when I heard that . I knew he was sick , but I guess I didn 't want to believe he was THAT sick . Happy New Year Everyone . I know it is hard to give up all of the good times . The vomiting , the blackouts , the waking up finding you have wet the bed , the mornings finding that everyone is angry with you and you haven 't any idea of why , the sleeping with people you shouldn 't , the " forgetting " to come home , and so many more things that make up the constellation of " good times " for an alcoholic . I have always said that it would be worth it if all I got out of sobriety was never waking up with that awful awful thought : What the hell did I do last night - and who knows ? I have not woken up that way once since I have been sober . You say " yes , I am willing . But am I to be consigned to a life where I shall be stupid , boring and glum , like some righteous people I see ? I know I must get along wihtout liquor , but how can I ? Have you a sufficient substitute ? " Yes , there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that . It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous . There you will find release from care , boredom and worry . Your imagination will be fired . Life will mean something at last . The most saisfactory years of your existence lie ahead . Thus we find the fellowship , and so will you . Alcoholics Anonymous , pg . 152May 2006 be a sober year for who wish for sobriety . I woke up at 1 : 00 a . m . with my brain a little bit too active . I am thinking of all the things I need to get done this weekend . And the irony is that losing sleep will make me less able to get it all done . Which makes me feel more restless and wide awake . I have had intermittent insomnia for most of my life . When I was still drinking I had it terribly . A drink would fix it up though . My thinking was so wacked back then that I would tell myself that even the President of the United States slept at night ! As if I had so many important things to think about that I might need to stay awake 24 / 7 just to think about them all ! I was a housewife for God 's sake ! I got back from a wonderful meeting at my home group , followed by pizza with great AA fellows . Well , they are all women , but they are fellows of Alcoholics Anonymous . Anytime you can sit between your sponsor and your sponsee , you know everything is just A - OK . I am plugged into Alcholics Anonymous , and I know that all is well . Today at work I was having such anxiety I spoke to my boss about it . He , being a psychiatrist , just said " hmmm . yes , I know . " But later I talked with the director of nursing and she , being a psych nurse , actually talked to me . She said that my anxiety is understandable , but really not appropriate . She said I am like a conductor of an orchestra . I can conduct , that is my job . If someone isn 't playing their instrument , that isn 't my responsibility . Oh ! That makes sense ! I need to keep this imagery foremost in my brain . I have a lot of work to get done and being anxious is just getting in the way . Thank God for meetings , my sponsor , my sponsee , some wonderful people I work with , learning in AA how to reach out to others when I need help , learning in AA how to reach out to others when they need help , and learning how to reach out to others to help them when I need to just forget about myself for 5 minutes . Please be gentle with me . I am new and inexperienced . Thanks for the invite dAAve . I have no idea how to do this . But here it is , my maiden attempt at HNT . And now I shall go out for my run . And I will thank God I can . Then I shall go to work . And I will thank God I can . I will also thank God that I didn 't get rid of all my clothes when they were too big , just most of them . Because I have a couple pairs of pants and a couple of skirts I can still squeeze on this ever enlarging body . 4 months without any extreme exercise was too long . But now I can exercise again and I can be very very grateful that I can . Yesterday I went to my old home group . It was good to be there . It was good to see some old friends . It was a wonderful surprise to see Andy walk in the door . He moved away almost 9 years ago . I have known him since he got sober - which is now almost 21 years ago . He was my boyfriend for a short while , then we managed to become very good friends after the romance didn 't work . I drove to Tucson last June to pass on my 20 year chip to him . In the last few years he has been increasingly bitter and angry , but I have always been able to deflect that and get to the human side of him . Yesterday was different . I stood and cried . We have always been polar opposites politically , but we have always been able to have lively and respectful debate and continue to be friends . Yesterday he attacked me . I was not prepared for that . I told him I would not argue with him and clearly he knew that I did not agree with him . We ended up having a cup of coffee , some fairly superficial conversation , and made a plan to go see " Brokeback Mountain " last night . He called in the afternoon and left a message saying that he was going to take his mother out for dinner and he would catch me on his next trip to Denver . I am sad to say I was very relieved . This is really the first time I have had an AA relationship be impacted by external things like politics . It makes me so sad . I am a political junkie . I always have cable news on . I read a lot . But I am not going to tell you where I stand on anything polital because it doesn 't have anything to do with AA . ( Besides , I have another blog where I am not identified as an AA member and I trot out my political views . ) The wisdom of the AA Traditions is incredible . The Tenth Tradition is so important . I hope this doesn 't sound like self - pity . I am just so sad . I just love Andy . I rode my bike this morning for the first time since my accident ! 4 months and 6 days without a bike ride is a long time . It was so good to get on my bike . Well , actually , I dragged out my old clunky mountain bike ( it was like driving your grandfather 's Oldsmobile ) because I am still a bit afraid of my street bike . I rode down to the park just a few miles from here and took a few pictures and just sat for a few minutes in the beautiful Christmas sunshine . What a Christmas gift . Another gift : my 3 adult children and 2 grandchildren were all here with me yesterday . They spent a sober day with their mother . There was a time when not only had I lost custody of my children , but there was a restraining order prohibiting me from contacting them . One of my daughters called this morning to wish me a Merry Christmas and tell me what a great time they all had yesterday . More gifts : I will be going to J & C 's for Christmas dinner today . I am sure it will be a wonderful dinner because it will be with wonderful AA members . My sponsor loved the hand knit socks I gave her for Christmas . I am so grateful to have such an incredible woman in my life . Yesterday , sitting in the meeting , I realized that I have made a home on this side of town . . . 11 years later . There are so many good members of that group who have known me as part of that group since they got sober . I love my old group ( on the other side of town ) with people I have known since I got sober , but I feel almost as warm about the people I have known only these last 11 years . Minerva ( my cat ) did not hiss at my grandchildren once yesterday - that is a big fat miracle ! And to the sober blogging community : you guys are the best ! I have felt embraced by you in the last month or so and I can 't tell you what it means to me . I love reading your blogs , and so look forward to the comments you post on mine . Thanks and warm wishes to all of you ! Love on Christmas from Mary Christine . Merry Christmas Everyone . I am on my way out the door to a meeting . I am happy to be going to a meeting this morning . I am happy that I decided to leave work WAY early yesterday and got my stuff done . I am happy that today will be about getting a run in , getting my nails done , cooking a little , spending a lot of family time . Playing my new RISK ! game ! Here are some staying sober tips for Christmas : Go to meetings , you may find someone who really needs what only you have to offer . Don 't go anywhere you can 't leave ( be able to walk away or drive away , but don 't come with someone else and be dependent upon them being able to leave at the moment you are uncomfortable . ) If you are at an event where alcohol is being served , have a glass , can , or cup in your hand at all times . That way you will not be offered a drink as often , and you will always know what is in your drink . Get " prayed up " before you go anywhere that may be tempting , upsetting , or you may have expectations about . Read page 101 of the big book , and really ask yourself the questions posed there , then follow the directions on page 102 . " Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed . " God Bless You . Merry Christmas . These are pictures from my run yesterday . The sunrise was absolutely incredible . My whole little corner of the world was bathed in a pink glow . Maybe I should explain why I am so enamored of running . . . Four years ago today , I had my first date with a man from my home group . He was sober for a little over 2 years and I was thrilled to go out with him . I had known him since he started going to my group . From the moment I set my eyes on him , I was just crazy about him . But it is extremely unethical for people with long term sobriety to be dating newcomers , so I behaved myself . ( Although in retrospect , I probably shouldn 't have dated him with even 2 years of sobriety . ) We developed a wonderful relationship . We had so much fun . He is a cowboy from the mountains of Colorado . We took trips , we panned for gold , we went away to the mountains with bunches of other crazy sober folks and had paint ball wars , we went to rodeos , state fairs , and concerts . I started listening to country music ( which I still do today ) . I bought cowboy boots and wranglers ( ? ! ? ! ) My kids loved him . His family loved me . After about a year , we started talking about getting married . At about this time , he got into an argument with his brother , and really showed him ! He got drunk ! He had just gotten his three year chip , and he was drunk . He tried to get sober again . He tried repeatedly . We put the marriage plans on hold , but kept seeing each other . He promised me I would never see him drunk . For almost a year he kept his promise . But on August 18 , 2003 he showed up at my house drunk . I could not get him to leave . He is 6 ' 5 " and extremely buff ( yummy ) and it occurred to me that what physically attracted me to him in the beginning was now something very frightening . I told him to sleep it off in my family room ( away from me ) and he went down there and camped out on the sofa . It was a terrible 36 or so hours until he finally left . He ruined my coffee table by spilling water ( or some other clear liquid ) on it and leaving it there . Anyway , he did finally leaPosted by It is 56 degrees outside . And the days are getting longer now ! Woo Hoo ! I am going to head out for a run . I might even try to do 2 . 5 miles . This is freaking exciting ! Today at work I have only one meeting . I may be able to shut my door and get some work done . Tonight I have my home group . My sponsor will be there and we will probably go have dinner after the meeting . But I really want some more borscht . I might even eat that stuff for breakfast . It was so good . This is what I made for dinner tonight . I am so sick of candy , cookies , pies , etc . , that what I really felt I had to have tonight was BORSCHT ! So I bought the makings on the way home from work and cooked it up and let it simmer while I made evil toffee ( see below ) . Oh those veggies were so good . Beet soup is the anti - candy . This is the toffee that I am sick to death of making . I made yet another batch tonight because I keep finding more people I need to give some to . This is the last batch . I hope never to see any more almond toffee ! Lighten up ! That 's what my sponsor told me . She said I am a very serious person . Actually I think a better adjective might be " grim " . At least right now . Now , if you met me , you would think I am a riot . I am a very funny person . But the last couple of weeks have me so stressed out about work and I am beginning to get totally overwhelmed with Christmas - and I am getting a bit too serious on a regular basis . Take this morning 's post for instance . I was feeling grim this morning . Well , shee - up at 3 : 30 a . m . so that I could make almond toffee and meringue cookies . Was too busy to run even though it was WARM ( 65 degrees this afternoon ! ) That 's all I have to share . My experience , strength , and hope . As AA members , we are all in the same boat . The boat of trying to stay sober , one day at a time . There isn 't a hierarchy of AA members . There isn 't a magic day when you are cured and therefore become a counselor to all the poor unfortunates who come through the door . Around the country , there are some differences in the way things are done within AA . One that I find varies widely is the stating of your sobriety date . Where I live , it is considered boastful to talk about how long you have been sober . I have also found that people stop listening to you when they find out you have been sober for over 20 years - because they think you have somehow graduated to that higher level of recovery that they can 't relate to . So I generally keep my mouth shut about how long I have been sober . But just for the record , I will state that I went to my first AA meeting on July 24 , 1984 , and I have not had a drink since then . Words cannot begin to convey what that means to me . I can assure you that MY best efforts did not achieve this . My best efforts would have had me drunk within my first year . The fact that I am sitting here this morning , at the age of 54 , in a nice clean house ( that I own ) , writing on a nice computer , about my decades of sobriety is strictly due to the Grace of a loving God . Yes , there was and is " work " to do . But it pales in comparison to what I have been so freely given . In my wildest imaginings , I could not have dreamed up the life I have today . A little bit of going to meetings , working with others , doing some steps , helping others do some steps . . . that is like paying 2 cents and getting 2 million dollars . My intention is to stay sober for the rest of my life . But I can only take care of today . I could be drunk tomorrow . But as long as tomorrow finds me taking care of that day , I should be fine . I am so grateful for a loving God who has blessed me so abundantly . I am so grateful for AA and the wonderful friends I have had over the years . I have other Posted by Gosh ! It is 31 degrees outside and I am going to get out there while the gettin 's good and run . It is almost not freezing ! This is practically a heat wave ! I am so grateful that it is a new day . I have a Christmas lunch to attend at the department I worked in for 8 years ( started as administrative assistant and left as the department director ) . I am really grateful to them for inviting me , I have nothing to do with that department anymore and haven 't for over 3 years - I am glad they still consider me at least partially a member of their department . It will be nice . I need to run to REI and get my son the mittens he wants . Who ever heard of paying $ 100 . for a pair of mittens ! ? ! ? But I am so glad that I can do that . There were so many years that Christmas was so painful for me because I couldn 't afford to get my kids the things they wanted . I could go on and on but the Colorado sunrise is calling to me " Mary , Mary , come out and run ! " I had a day today . It was challenging . I tried to start it over several times . I closed my office door TWICE and called my sponsor . Sheesh . Thank God I am not one of those folks with over 20 years of sobriety who thinks she no longer needs a sponsor ! As it is , I am a person with a little over 21 years who needs her sponsor and I thank God for her every day . When she told me today that I could start my day over again , I told her I had already started it several times , they were all bad days and I was only compounding the problem . Luckily for me , she also thought this was funny . My sponsee came over tonight and after I listened to her - I felt better . This is the way it works for me . When I get out of my own self for even a minute , I feel better . She is in a good place right now and I am not so good . She also listened to me , which was sweet . She and her partner invited me over for Christmas dinner . ( My kids come over on Christmas Eve and spend Christmas Day with their dad . ) She said they are having a " lesbian dinner " and I asked what that was . When she said it was steak and baked potatoes , I was shocked ! and asked her if she thought I was a secret lesbian because I LOVE steak and baked potatoes . She laughed her ass off at that ! My neighbor just came over and brought me a Christmas present . That is so nice . I think I will give her the pair of hand knit socks that I didn 't know exactly who was going to get . I have never lived anywhere long enough to get to be friends with neighbors before now . It is a real challenge for me to stay in the same place this long . I have lived in this house for 4 . 25 years . This is longer than I have lived anywhere since I left my parents ' home in 1970 . I have now been employed at the same place for over 11 years . That is a super huge challenge . Prior to getting sober I never worked in one place for longer than a year and a half . This stuff is important for me . I am sure it isn 't important to everyone . But to me , this steadiness , and this consistency are good . This morning I stood in church ( a place that I would not have been caught dead in earlier in my life ) and realized that I fit there . I am a member in good standing of my church . Holy Cow ( sorry ) . There were people from work there and I got to talk to them on the way out . Which means , I am a member of my community . I live here , I work here , I go to meetings here , and I go to church here . Oh and I go to the gym here . . . saw a doctor from work at the gym today . Fun . I am looking forward to getting back to work tomorrow . Oh my . It is dangerous out there . I just went to the grocery store and it is cold , snowing , icy , and road ragey . The road rage is the worst part . There was an incident in the parking lot , there was an incident on my own street ( and it is a cul de sac ) on the way out of here . I need to drive 35 miles ( each way ) to my daughter 's house and pick up my granddaughters . We are making cookies today . I am grateful for a good car . I am grateful for heated seats . I am grateful for the meeting this morning . I am grateful for pretty snow even if it is hazardous . I am grateful for 15 degrees , that is 15 more than zero . And I am sober today - what more could I ask ? JJ - I understand about placing the important things in a position of prominance on the family Christmas tree . Tonight I was able to write all my Christmas cards and wrap all the presents I have bought to date . . . . I still have more shopping to do . Having accomplished these major milestones , I can now go to bed and sleep soundly . No running for Mary Christine this morning . It is too freaking cold outside . I hope to get to work early so I can leave early . There is a part of me that is dreading going to work today . I got a bunch of frantic calls yesterday while I was off . I called in to find out what was going on and it is something I have never dealt with before and I am not particularly looking forward to it . Often times these things that cause anxiety are my greatest lessons and cause the exhilaration of discovery and triumph ! That is , as long as I put one foot in front of the other and walk through them and don 't try to avoid them . My birthday was fabulous . On my way to get a manicure yesterday ( my little treat for myself ) I decided to stop at Safeway and get the stuff to make pizza . The kids were so glad I decided to make it myself . I told them they were responsible for dessert and I didn 't care what they got . My son brought a huge bag full of dilly bars from Dairy Queen . What fun ! So I am off to face my day . I will suit up and show up and leave the results to God . And be incredibly grateful for this way of life . What a lot of gratitude I have today ! I took a day of vacation so that I could just goof off on my birthday . It is nice . I went to a 6 : 30 a . m . meeting . I got to see Holly who is one day younger than I . She will be 54 tomorrow . She is about to graduate from college , and thanked me profusely in the meeting for showing her by example that it was possible to accomplish this at our advanced age . She , however , is graduating Summa Cum Laude - I was a mere Magna Cum Laude . I went swimming after the meeting . I am so grateful to be able to swim and run again after my bike accident . There were three months when I could not do much . I gained weight which I hope to lose soon ( there is a brand new brown wool pin striped suit sitting in my closet mocking me every morning - I only wore it twice before the pants got too tight ! ) Some day I will get back on my bike , but I have not tried that yet . I think it will be a challenge to ride again . My kids are coming over tonight . I hope to get a nice picture of all of us . I can 't help but think about next year ( yeah , one day at a time ) when my son will be in Iraq . Just writing that makes the bottom fall from my guts . I really have been trying to stay in today with this . . . I can 't afford to think about it too much . But I do think about it . I am so proud that such a good man is my son . He astounds me . Here 's a question . . . I have always cooked a nice dinner for my kids on my birthday - mainly because I LOVE to cook . I told them I didn 't want to do that this year and what I would really like is to order pizza ( further delaying the wearing of my brown suit ) . But now that I am taking the day off , I am wondering if I should make my world famous homemade pizza . . . . Any thoughts ? Should the birthday mom and nana make dinner ? I just think you bloggers are the best ! Thanks ! Thirty - three years ago tonight , I was drinking beer in my apartment , getting ready for it to be late enough to go out on the town because the next day was my 21st birthday . My friend Maureen and I sat on the steps of Vince 's County Line Inn ( very tony establishment ) and waited for it to be midnight . At midnight , we walked into the bar and ordered a beer . The bartender asked for ID , and I asked him what time it was . He said " exactly midnight " and the celebrations began ! I can assure you that Vince 's County Line Inn was not a popular spot for young women to celebrate their birthdays . Which made me and Maureen extremely popular with the middle - aged and elderly gents at the bar . They let us tend bar , we danced on the bar to " Holly Jolly Christmas " , and then it really went down hill . As the dawn broke on my 21st birthday , I woke to the sound of a rooster crowing ( when you live in Chicago you know something has gone seriously wrong if you wake to the sound of a rooster ) . I looked around at the shabby farmhouse , and the several men who were with me . I was horrified . I quickly threw on my clothes and drove to work ! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - And today I am happily sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous . My three adult children and two grandchildren are coming over tomorrow night to celebrate my birthday . I won 't need to sit on the steps of a bar and I won 't do anything that shames me . I decided today to take a day of vacation tomorrow . I am glad I can do that . I might go to a meeting in the morning - if I wake up in time . I might go swimming , if I feel like it . I might wrap Christmas presents , and I might buy some more presents . I don 't have to do one single thing . Thank you God for this peaceful , quiet , satisfying , loving life I have today . And thank you for AA , my family , friends , and wonderful bloggers . Posted by I am going to do a gratitude list of sorts here . I have been struggling a bit lately and a gratitude list would be a good idea . . . I am so grateful to a loving God who brought me to this place that I had absolutely no clue even existed . I am sober ! I am a neighbor among neighbors , a friend among friends , a worker among workers , and an AA members among AA members , etc . I am a participating member of my family . I think this blog is a lifesaver . I have absolutely loved reading the blogs of the other sober bloggers . What a wonderful thing . And to have people read my blog , I cannot begin to describe what an honor I think that is ! I am grateful that I got to go out on a beautiful 41 degree morning this morning and ran a 2 mile route I did on " easy " days before I broke a rib . I am grateful that I could show up for work at 9 : 00 a . m . I am grateful that I have an office with a door at work . And that I closed it this morning and called my sponsor . I am so grateful for my sponsor , that is another thing that words can 't begin to describe . She stressed to me that I need to take time for good self care . She was formerly an executive in healthcare so she understands the pressure I am under right now . She knows that there is not much I can do about it but just push through and get to the other side of it . She commended me on my getting back to running . I am so grateful for the sponsee I am currently actively working with . I am humbled by the experience of being her sponsor . She brought me a birthday present last night . It was some nice body butter that I had borrowed and admired after the meeting last Thursday . I am grateful that one of my colleagues took me out for lunch today for an early birthday present . I am grateful for wonderful Thai food . . . especially red bean ice cream ! I am grateful that I got about 8 hour 's worth of work done today between 4 : 00 and 6 : 00 p . m . I am grateful for a vending machine at the post office where I was able to purchase my Christmas stamps after work . And especially to the woman who was so willing to tPosted by Uptight before Christmas , all through these rooms alcoholics were stricken with holiday gloom . They prayed , " Santa , please make us happy , joyous & free , bring us candy and presents and serenity . " Greed filled their minds and envy their hearts and someone said , " It 's time for the meeting to start ! " " Does anyone have a topic for discussion tonight ? " Every face in the place turned wintery white ! They lost all self - seeking , self - pity and self - will when down through the chimney came the ghost of St . Bill ! He chuckled and said as he sat himself down " Call the White House and tell ' em there 's a new Dubya in town . " Then he looked through a big book and said with a tear , " Wow ! No one rewrote this after all these years ! Clean house , help your neighbor , be loving and kind , and don 't take the first drink one day at a time . How could a message as simple as this be realized , analyzed and intellectually dismissed ? here lies the reason this ghost has arrived : to re - give a gift that has saved all your lives ! " Then he set up a big screen and a DVD so every lost soul in the meeting could see . He played a movie of drunks at their best and their worst , what is and what was , when blessed and cursed . There were scenes of a housewife passed out at a bar , a respectable businessman wrecking his car , a fight in a kitchen , a fight in bed , a fightat a reception between newlyweds . An empty bottle , a desperate man alone ina motel with a gun in his hands . He puts down the gun and picks up the phoneand whimpers and blubbers , " Honey , let me come home . " She hangs up as she tells him , " Don 't call here anymore . " He reaches for the phone book and falls to the floor . Somehow that phone book seems to capture his gaze : it 's open to a number under the " A " 's . Then all of the people in the movie convergedon the poor side of town in the basement of a church . Driven together in a willing herdto hear of hope and deliver the word . The ghost of Bill W . turned off the TV and said , " The first word of the first step is ' we ' . I suggest you start there and see where you go . Be thorough and fPosted by It is 6 : 30 a . m . , and still dark outside ! We are nearing the darkest day of the year , and then I always consider it practically springtime when the days start getting longer . I am not going to work out this morning because I managed to get two good workouts in over the weekend . I managed to run 2 miles on Saturday . . . I have not been able to run more than a mile and a half since I broke a rib in August . Maybe by the first of the year I will be able to run 3 miles several times a week as I did before the injury . I didn 't blog yesterday . I am trying to not be such a nut case about blogging . I put up my Christmas tree , finished the Christmas stocking for my granddaughter , finished up another pair of socks I had started and forgotten , and then started on a new pair of socks . It was a productive and extremely quiet day . At some point in late afternoon , I realized I had spoken to only one person all day . I had asked the woman in the next lane at the pool how far she swims - she is often there when I get there and still there swimming away when I leave . I called my daughter , she was at work , so I spoke to her husband . I told him I put up my Christmas tree and he said " All by YOURSELF ? ! ? " Yes , Bob , all by myself . I live alone . By myself . I think next year I may get rid of all of my newer Christmas decorations . They were all purchased by my former boyfriend . Putting them up really highlights to me how much I miss him . I heard on Saturday after the meeting that his drinking is now so bad that he hasn 't shown up for work for over a week . God Bless Him . He called me some time over the weekend and left a drunken message " Merry Christmas Mary . " I had to listen to it several times to even figure out what he was saying . OK , I better stop this , it is too sad . I will go get on with my life . And thank God for my sobriety and the wonderful life I have today . Tonight I sat down to start knitting a new pair of socks . The phone rang . It was from NYC . . . I could see by the caller ID . I thought it was my sister even though I knew it wasn 't her number . But it wasn 't my sister , it was a wonderful surprise . It was my friend Chris from high school . We talked for 2 hours . I haven 't talked to him for over 2 years . Chris reminded me of how much my life has changed . When you have been sober for a long time , it is like a breath of fresh air to speak with someone who actually knew you when you were a drunk . Thank God I made amends to him when I was newly sober - I hadn 't spoken to him for years then , but managed to find him to make amends . We have stayed in touch since then . . . not frequent , but fairly consistently . We laughed about how old we are getting , and he said when he talks to me he still sees a 16 year old getting high and dancing at the club . I told him I still see him in his striped bell - bottoms ! This morning I went to my old home group . I love to go there and see people I have known for decades . When I was talking to a couple of my old friends after the meeting , it became evident to me that I am more stressed out than I thought . I had to be told a couple of times that people were joking . . . I am about as serious as a heart attack right now and that is not good . Even at the yarn shop , the owner encouraged me to stay and knit for a while - for therapy . She has known me for about 15 years and we have become friends . With her encouragement , I bought yarn to make a pair of socks because that is my favorite thing to knit . But I did not stay to knit because I had so very many things to get done today . I intended to knit tonight , but I got the phone call from my old friend . I am so glad he called . I burnt my thumb tonight while making peanut brittle . I got a big splotch of 275 degee candy on my thumb and when I washed it off , the skin came off with it . Yuck ! and Ow ! I have an ice pack on it now . It is not easy to type while icing your thumb . But this blog is so vital to the continued existence of the earth that I thought I better make the supreme sacrifice and blog through the pain ! My daughter came over tonight and helped me make our annual almond toffee and peanut brittle . She took generous portions with her for the snowshoe trip she and my son are making this weekend . They will eat toffee and peanut brittle in the yurt at night . Here is my plea for help . . . I would really like my blog to include links to the blogs of my newfound friends . I hate to admit it , but I have no idea of how to do this . I tried it the other night , but instead of having a nice looking link , I had " http : / / www . . . . . bla bla bla " Can someone please help me with this ? Thanks ! ( This is a picture of the view from my home group taken earlier in the year when it was still light during the meeting . ) Tonight I went to my home group . It was a woman I sponsor 's 10th AA anniversary . It was so good to be there and watch this woman get a ten year chip . What a thrill to watch the smile on her face and hear her talk . What a miracle this program is . After the meeting , my sponsor , my sponsee , and I went out for tacos ( well , actually I orininally ordered a seviche tostada , but it was so cold , I got that wrapped to bring home and got two shredded beef tacos , yummy . ) I like to think of us alcoholics as fibers . Individually , we are weak , flimsy , strands of fiber . But put us together , bound by the program of Alcoholics Anonymous , we are like a very strong rope . We just have to stay in unity with the rest of the rope ! My sponsor got sober in 1973 . She is still sober , by the Grace of God . I have been sober since 1984 , by the Grace of God . My sponsee got sober in 1995 , she is still sober , by the Grace of God . What a wonderful safe feeling to be in the middle of these two incredible women I love so much . I feel that I am safe in the loving arms of Alcoholics Anonymous . Welcome to all the current and future fibers of Alcoholics Anonymous . And thank you to the people who have taken the time to read this blog . I think it is such an honor to have you take your time to read this . And to comment - what a wonderful thing to read comments and connect to others . Thank you so much . I need to be at church tomorrow at 6 : 30 a . m . , and I have to work all day ( outrageous ! ) , then my sponsee is celebrating her 10th anniversary / birthday at my home group tomorrow night . It will be a busy day with perhaps no time for blogging . I have been thinking about my dad today . My dad was a wonderful man . He was 40 years old when I was born , and he was quite ill . He was terribly afflicted with alcoholism and had a host of other health problems . He had his first heart attack when I was 3 years old . So many of my early memories involve my father being whisked away by ambulances , and the following death watch . On April 15 , 1965 , a man came to visit at our home . I asked my mother who he was and she said he was from Alcoholics Anonymous . I said " Dad is not an alcoholic ! " , she said " if he isn 't , I don 't know who is ! " Amazing that 40 years later I can remember these words verbatim . In the years to come I got to experience first hand what it is like to have a parent throw his heart and soul into AA . Our family life was entirely transformed . It was glorious . In 1971 , my mother died after a short illness . My father was quick to remarry and I was so shocked when he married a woman who drank like a fish . He insisted that she was not alcoholic . On July 15 , 1975 , I happened to phone my dad and was horrified to find that he was drunk ! He taken an early retirement from work that very day after his physician had told him that his heart would only last 6 months tops , and that he should get his affairs in order . He decided to drink . Later he would only tell me " resentment really IS the number one offender . " He moved his wife back to the small town in Iowa that she was from . He went with her of course , thinking he would be dead in short order . He lived , and lived , and lived and lived . Year after year after year . And he could never get sober again . He lived the most miserable existence I could ever imagine . He lived in a lovely home , with every material thing he could ever want , but he lived in drunken misery . He told me he just couPosted by How peculiar . I had a smoking dream last night . I have had them before , but this one was odd and different . In the past , I have had dreams that somehow I am " getting away " with smoking one or two cigarrettes a day . In this dream , I was in a motel room and my sister was visiting - which is extremely odd since she lives in NYC . She was smoking Marlboro cigarettes , as she does . She left the room and left a cigarrette buring in the ash tray . So , I did what anyone would do , right ? I stuck the cigarrette in my mouth and took two very long hits on it . Then I smashed the remainder of the butt into the ash tray . I got up and in disgust , looked at the mirror . There was smoke still coming out of my mouth . I felt sick . I thought about the 14 years since I last smoked . I took a shower . Then I woke up . Isn 't this the most Scintillating Blog in the Universe ! Weather reports on a daily basis ( it is up to 0 degrees now ! ) , updates on my work - out schedule , pictures of my very exciting knitting , and now a dream report ! Thank you to anyone who has read this . . . . . . . I couldn 't get any blogspots yesterday when I got home from work . I couldn 't get mine , or anyones . It was fairly terrible ! I was so happy this morning to go check out some of my newfound friends ' blogs , and of course , get on my own ! It being Monday yesterday , my sponsee came over . She celebrated 10 years of sobriety on Sunday ! I was actually able to find one of my old 10 year chips and pass it on to her . Happy Birthday Janine ! ! ! Yeah ! I am so grateful to be her sponsor . I meant to go to the gym this morning , but I didn 't wake up until 5 : 30 ! So I will venture out in a couple of minutes for a brisk morning run . It is 23 degrees which is a heck of a lot warmer than it ever got yesterday . I am glad I have all the gear I need to get out and safely run in cold weather . Most of the time I really enjoy a nice , crisp , winter run . I have read about all the Christmas decorating you all are doing . Usually by this time of year , I have my house all decked out . For some reason I have not been motivated to do it yet this year . I have put the little electric candles in all my windows , and they look pretty at night , but that is all I have done . My neighbor across the street usually puts Martha Stewart to shame so I was flattered when I saw the little electric candles in all her windows on Sunday ! Imitation being the sincerest form of flattery ( or something like that ) . My daughter is coming over on Friday night and we are making the almond toffee and peanut brittle that is our tradition . She is leaving on Saturday for a snow shoeing trip with her brother ( my son ) . They will be staying in a yurt on Saturday night . I really worry about them . But I am so glad that 2 out of 3 of my children really love the outdoors and do all sorts of healthy activities . I better get running . . . The wind is blowin ' . I can hear grit / ice / dirt hitting my sky lights ! It is really blowing , they say on the news that there are gusts up to 80 mph . I have heard that my route to work is a sheet of black ice . This is when I am very grateful that I don 't have an 8 : 00 meeting this morning . I don 't have any meetings at all today ! Woo Hoo ! I can leave for work after 8 : 00 , maybe by then the roads will have improved , or at least there won 't be so many people on them . Yikes . I just heard something substantial hit the side of my house . I can 't believe I still have electricity . Wow . What a day . I am so excited that my Broncos are playing today . This is going to be a hard game . I sure hope we win . I HATED football when I was drinking . When I was sober for a couple years , I decided to sit down and watch a game . It happened to be the best game of football ever - I think . The Broncos at Cleveland , for the AFC Championship of 1986 - the game with the famous drive . I have been hooked on football ever since . OK . I have really tried to say nothing in this blog that has an " opinion on outside issues " and AA as a whole certainly doesn 't have an opinion on the NFL , but ME personally , Mary Chrstine G . , I LOVE the Broncos . Yesterday I went out for lunch and Christmas shopping with my 26 year old twin daughters . What a joy . We had vietnamese coffee for dessert after our vietnamese lunch and it wasn 't pretty . We all got so silly , we were laughing uncontrollably . One of the girls took a movie of us ( laughing like jackasses ) with her cell phone . Once again , thank you to everyone who has visited this week . And double thanks go to the people who post comments . I am so grateful to you . I woke up at about 1 : 00 this morning and saw the snow falling in big fat flakes and was so excited I was up most of the night . I opened the drapes in my bedroom so that I could see the general whiteness through my lace curtains . Oh , it was so beautiful . I was going to drive to my old home group across town this morning . When I saw the snow , I rethought that plan . I will either go tomorrow or go to the morning meeting on this side of town . I really feel the need to sit with my old cronies though . Whenever I think of what I cannot do due to snow , I have to remember this though : On my 22nd birthday , I was stood up by my date . This was in Chicago , and it being December 15 , there was a blizzard . My date had a terrible car accident on the way to my house and was unable to call and tell me that , but I didn 't know that until a day or two later . I was upset - to put it mildly . And I think the worst part was that I was waiting for him to bring booze , I was rapidly drinking all the booze I had in my apartment . As it got later and later and I hadn 't heard from him , I decided to give up on him and go to the liquor store . There was so much snow that I couldn 't get my car out of the parking lot . The snow was still falling - sideways . I did what any reasonable drunk would do - I decided to walk to the liquor store . . . in a blizzard , in the dark , in the cold . The liquor store was 2 miles away and I did manage to get there and back . When I have recalled this incident since I have been sober , the thing that really astounds me is the memory of what I bought at the liquor store . Having walked 2 miles in snow up to my knees and with some drifts higher than that , and with snow still falling , and wind still blowing , and having 2 miles ahead of me to walk home - what did I buy ? A 12 pack of beer ! What the hell was I thinking ? I remember stumbling in the snow with a soaking wet carton with the precious 12 12 oz . cans . So when I want to complain about being an old lady , I just remember that it is a miracle that I even lived to be 30 let alonPosted by I think I 'll stay inside ! I loved the 18 degree run yesterday . The only part of me that was cold was my face . I thought to myself " my face hurts " , and in my mind , my three older brothers exclaimed with glee " Its Killing Me ! ! " Later I told my daughter about my run , sharing the bit about my face hurting . Amazingly enough , she laughed and exclaimed with glee " Its Killing Me ! ! ! " Generations of real cards . This morning I woke up at 5 : 15 a . m . and before I looked at the clock , I hoped that it was time to get up . Because I wanted to get up and get going . It is a wonderful thing to want to get out of bed in the morning and get on with the day . My work is very exciting right now . It is incredibly stressful and just insanely intense , but it is right up my alley . This is what I do well . Yesterday a colleague came into my office , gravely closed the door , and sat down to talk to me . I was really afraid for what kind of bad news she might be bringing . She told me that she had just turned in her resignation . I am happy for her , but unhappy for me . I actually cried when she told me . I am glad that our relationship is OK because 2 or 3 months ago , I got angry with her and actually stormed out of her office and slammed the door ! I had to make amends the next day which was terrifying . I had NEVER in my 11 years at the hospital behaved in a way that I later needed to make amends for . Thankfully , she happily accepted my amends and we moved on from there . I am so grateful for this way to live . I am grateful that I am grateful that I am going to work today . I am grateful that I have a way of taking care of problems as they arise . I am grateful that it is December 2 , 2005 . Thanks for reading . What an honor . It is 15 degrees and I am going to go outdoors and run . Oh my . I have all the gear I need to do this and I don 't want to drive to the gym , get on the treadmill , take a shower , get dressed , put on my make - up and do my hair in public this morning ! I was out too late last night with my daughter . We went " Christmas " shopping . We both managed to purchase things for ourselves , but no presents for anyone else . We had wonderful burgers at 9 : 00 p . m . at Ted 's Montana Grill . Oh my , they were yummy . That is so too late for me to eat dinner . Tonight my home group meets . I haven 't seen my sponsor for a couple of weeks because she has been out of town . Hopefully I will be able to talk a bunch of us into going out for pizza after the meeting . Can anyone tell me how to get a picture onto my profile ? I can put pictures into my posts , but cannot for the life of me figure out how to get a picture into my profile . When you are using a picture from your own computer , how do you do that ? I know that I open the ' edit profile ' thing and go to the add photo line , but it doesn 't work ! ! I tried to put in the " address " of my picture in picassa , but it does not work . Help ? Thanks again for the fellowship . I have loved reading the blogs of the people who have left comments . |
I can 't be sure , but Coadster might just be a little annoyed with my obsessive photo taking here . . . So , remember when I told you about the great conversations I had with the girls at Coadster 's orientation ? Well , I thought I 'd relate one of them to you , so you can get an idea of just what deep thinkers and truly sweet people we are . This one took place at the student union while we were eating breakfast and watching some World Cup : Stinky : So , I was working with Jacob the other day and he asked me if I remembered that one time when we were little and Coadster and I put him in a cardboard box and rolled him down a hill . . . Coadster : Oh , I remember that . That was awesome . Stinky : Well , he said it was kind of traumatic for him . Coadster : Nice . I scarred someone for life . I 'll have to cross that off my list now . . . Me : Wow , Coadster . You 're a real sweetheart . Stinky : Hey , he deserved it . Remember in second grade when he drew boobs all over my Britney Spears folder ? Me and Coadster : Bwa ha ha ha ha . . . Stinky : No . I tried to erase them , but they indented and I couldn 't get rid of them and I had to throw away my favorite folder because it was covered in boobs . . . . Me and Coadster : ( Even louder ) Ha ha ha ha ha . . . . Stinky : I was so upset and cried and when I came home and told you , mom , you laughed . Me : ( wiping away the laugh tears ) I know . I 'm sorry , honey . But you know I can 't help that . I really have no self - control . Coadster : Nice , mom . NOW , who 's scarred people for life ? A sign on the path to register for classes . Soooo , for whatever reason , I had a hard time falling asleep on Saturday night . I think it was well after 3 am , by the time I finally drifted off , and then had to get right back up by 6 , to get ready and head to Ames for Coadster 's orientation . It wasn 't horrible , but it did make sitting through information sessions that were much like the information sessions I 've worked at my school about a million times , kind of grueling . I 'm sure it would have been unseemly to have fallen asleep during that . If I had been thinking , I would have bought some of those glasses with the open eyes painted on the lenses . Stinky in her St Louis Cardinals t - shirt . Orientation turned out to be a pretty nice experience overall . Coadster got really excited about going to school , Stinky learned about what it would take for her to get into college and hearing about how much fun it was , gave her some incentive to get her act in gear . Stinky is a science girl and wants to get into health care . Right after she got sick and was in and out of the hospital for what seemed like forever , she didn 't think she 'd ever want to go back again . Now that she 's older , she wants to go back and make a difference for other sick kids . After going to the info sessions , she 's decided she might want to become a biology major and figure out if she wants to turn that into a nursing degree or go premed . Of course , I 'm sure she 'll change her mind a hundred more times , but at least the wheels are turning . The fountain in front of the union . The two days with my girls also turned into a really great time to talk about things . When I 've raised the girls , a lot of what I worked on was discipline and social skills ( yeah , poor girls never stood a chance ) and trying to guide them in the right way . I 've tried really hard to be open and honest with them , so they would feel safe to be open and honest with me . . . And believe me , there have been times when they opened up to me about things that I wish I didn 't have to know . As they get older , Posted by Stinky and her boyfriend . Wow , kids . These last few days have kicked my ass in every way possible . It was really good , but that goodness can be tiring and stressful and wonderful and definitely requires some processing time . I will attempt to slowly work my way back into blog land this week . I used Stinky 's iTouch to get on Facebook for about 5 minutes on Sunday night , but you can 't really do much blog reading or writing with that . Awwww . I really like Stinky 's guy . I think she 's finally dating a guy at her level , instead of some " project guy " who she tries to help . I told her from way too many of my own experiences , that you can 't make someone a nicer person unless they want to and are willing to work really hard at it . I hope she finally understands that . Tonight , I 'll just talk about Friday and Saturday . I 'll cover Coadster 's freshman orientation in tomorrow 's post . Soooo , Friday was wonderful . I got up and went running . Then Stinky , her boyfriend and I got ready and went to lunch at Panchero 's ( their choice ) . We made a quick pit stop to the store to pick up Gatorade and water for the cooler and we were off to Lake McBride . Stinky 's boyfriend told her that his family wasn 't very outdoorsy and he had never canoed before . He was worried he wouldn 't know what to do . I told him he could ride bitch ( maybe not in so many words , though ) and Stinky and I would paddle . By the time we were about halfway through , he had an idea how it worked and really wanted to paddle too , but we were in the middle of the lake and I didn 't want to have to worry about us tipping the canoe . I told him next time , I 'd be happy to let him paddle . After our canoe ride , we went to the beach and swam and read and did some lying about . The weather was perfect . In the evening , I worked on my backyard . I had a few branches I wanted to get rid off , so I got the fire pit going and burned a few things . It was all very pleasant in my backyard with the fire and a beer . . . . Until the fire truck pulled up in front of my house . I quickly put the grate on my firePosted by A piece of artwork by a guy I know . If you live in Iowa City , he also does all the metal street signs on the Northside of town here . I 'm a bad blogger lately . I 'm doing too much in the real world to check in on everyone 's blogs in the virtual world . Sorry . I promise I 'll be better when I 'm not playing so hard . Today was soooo much better than the day before . The weather was perfect and Coadster was feeling a lot better . She even ate a little something . I got up and ran and then came home and made brunch . Stinky and I tried to ride to the Coralville Dam , but she wasn 't in shape for it , so we went as far as we could and turned back . It was still very nice . Tonight I set everything up so we could watch our movie on the back porch . When we lived in that suburb on the Southside of Chicago , I have fond memories of being a kid and when it got too hot to be inside , my aunt would set us up on Friday nights in sleeping bags in the backyard and she 'd bring the TV out and we would watch Creature Feature until we fell asleep . I have no idea why I thought that was so cool , but I did . I decided to do that for Stinky and her boyfriend tonight . I love to make things special and to set a scene , so I hooked up the TV and the DVD player , brought a futon out and covered it with pillows and a comforter and set the globe lights around the porch . It was eerie and perfect . Since there was no Creature Feature , I had to settle for Wolfman . It wasn 't the best movie I 'd ever seen , but it was perfect for our outside movie viewing experience . I never know how things translate from when I was a kid to now , but Stinky and her boyfriend said they thought watching the scary movie outside was totally " legit " . . . Maybe it was the chocolate chip cookies I baked that swayed their decision too . So , it 's the weekend and I still have 4 more days off . Hooray ! Tomorrow is our day at the lake . We 'll canoe , and swim and I 'll read on the beach . Then on Saturday , Coadster and I are planning on riding bikes around to whatever used bookstores we can find and try to gePosted by Damn it ! I know I said I was going to give you a break from my garden shots , but I just can 't help it . I 'm so proud of my tomato plants that I planted from seeds . I finally have several little tomatoes forming . Hurray ! So , I had a pretty weird , sleepless night last night . I had a hard time falling asleep ( as usual ) and then the constant storms woke me up several times . The thunder and lightning were wicked . At around 5 am , I heard Coadster yelling my name . I jumped out of bed to find her throwing up into a bowl . I got her some water and made sure she was okay and tried to get back to sleep without much success . Coadster has pretty much been puking ever since . I feel so bad for her . I 'm assuming it 's a virus and she keeps complaining about having stomach cramps . I bring her a warm cloth for her forehead from time to time , but I don 't know what else to do for her . I think it 's an occupational hazard of working in a daycare . Poor girl . We had a lovely tornado warning in our area this afternoon , so that was another fun thing . It wasn 't anywhere near Iowa City , thank god . By the time I got home from work , I was so exhausted that I took a two hour nap . It was exactly what I needed . Now , I 'm going to try and clean as much of my house as I can , so that I have more time to play with Stinky tomorrow on my first vacation day . Hopefully , all the illness and storms have passed for a few days . I could use a nice sunny , happy day tomorrow . Wish me luck , and I 'll wish the best for you as well . . . As always . More artwork from the tattoo shop . Man , I hardly ever see my girls anymore . I know it 's because they 're both busy doing fun things and I 'm glad they 're having such great adventures , I just miss them is all . Today I went to run an errand at lunch and saw Coadster heading toward me . She had the day off from work , but was still working anyway . She went to the natural history museum across the street from my office to organize a scavenger hunt for the kids in her Summer program . So , she came to find me and walk around downtown with me at lunch . It was really nice . Between her working all day and going to play rehearsal at night , I don 't get to see her nearly as much as I 'd like . Stinky doesn 't work as much , but she is busy going to baseball games and swimming and as long as she behaves herself , I 'm glad she 's having a good time . But I miss her too . So , I 'm taking two vacation days on Thursday and Friday and we 're going to spend some time together . Right now , it looks like we 'll ride our bikes to the Coralville Dam and check out the fossils there and then ride back . In the evening , we 're going to drag a futon and the TV out onto our screened in porch and watch a movie outside . It should be so much cooler than inside our unairconditioned house . On Friday we 'll go to the lake and canoe and swim and lie on the beach and read books . I 'm really excited . I finally get to use my vacation time for fun things with my girls . So , tomorrow is my Friday . I hope it goes by quickly . I took a bunch of pics of all the artwork up at my Kris ' shop while we were in there for Coadster 's tattoo . You 'll probably be seeing more of it than you want , but it should be a nice break from my garden pics . I tried to make today as relaxing as possible . Work is busy with all the final transcripts from high schools and colleges and all the orientation kids in and out of the office . So , I figured it would be nice to just rest up when I 'm home for a day or two . I did find out that my protein levels are still one point too low to donate plasma . I have to wait until the 29th to go back and get tested again . I asked the nurse if she thought it could be the running depleting my protein and she said definitely . She suggested I take a day or two off from running before I get my next blood test . It might make me a little itchy , but I 'll try it and see if that helps . I keep thinking I 'm going to bake cookies after work , but then it keeps being humid and hot and I keep not having air conditioning , so it doesn 't happen . Maybe tomorrow night . . . Keeping up with the randomness of this post . I just found out through FB that there 's going to be a book festival here on my birthday weekend . I don 't know who all else , but I know Jane Smiley and the chick who wrote the Time Traveler 's Wife will both be here to read . What a great gift for me . You all were right . I 'm loving reading Frankenstein right now . I was going to read the book Angelology after that , but then a friend suggested Jonathan Franzen and a grad student in my office let me borrow his copy of The Corrections , so I want to finish that as soon as possible so I can get it back to him . Okay . That 's probably more of my ADD than you can handle in one post . Come back tomorrow , when I might actually finish a whole thought . . Or maybe not . My friend Kris tattooed Coadster . This weekend didn 't turn out at ALL as I had planned . I decided to just go with it , not look back and enjoy the ride . You know what ? It turned out to be a fantastic weekend . I have a ton of photos , so I 'll try and write less and let the photos speak for themselves . . . I 'm sure you will all appreciate that . Kris getting the gun ready . On Friday , it turned out that my friend wasn 't going to come and visit me after all . At about the time that was being decided , a HUGE storm blew through town , downing trees and wiping out some people 's electricity . My friends D and G lost their power , and since I still had mine and I just happened to have extra food and beer , I invited them over to eat with us . We had chicken fajitas , de gallo salsa , guac and strawberry shortcake and drank beer and then watched a girl movie . Then they went downtown to the bar and I stayed home . We got even more thunderstorms and I watched Shutter Island by myself . It was really cool and creepy . Kris getting Coadster prepped and ready for her tat . I decided to give myself a nice relaxing day on Saturday . We ran errands , then I ran for real and mowed the lawn and did it all slowly with long breaks in between each chore . The finished tattoo . It is a symbol of Coadster 's astrological sign - Taurus . At 3 we went to my friend Kris ' shop to get Coadster her tattoo . She was a little nervous , but she had both Kris and I there to support her through it . She did great , and the tattoo turned out really cool . It took what seemed like a ton of people and several hours to get the fire started with wet wood . At 6 o ' clock , I dropped Stinky off at Eggo 's so she could babysit and then I picked K . up and then headed to our friend L 's birthday party . L lives in this amazing house out in the country . There was great food and good friends and we had a wonderful time . An attempt at a fake Christmas card pic by the fireplace . I obviously couldn 't stop laughing . Right before we were getting ready to go , we stepped inside their amazing house to use the batPosted by The ditch lilies in my backyard are blooming now ! Well , kids . It 's been a long night . We had a little electrical problem where we lost juice to about three rooms in my house for at least an hour . With the help of a friend , and getting Stinky to admit to trying to plug in a fan to a particular outlet , I figured it out and fixed the problem . Finally , it was a problem that isn 't going to cost a bunch of money to fix . Of course , it means that it 's much later than it should be and this will be a short post . I finally finished my addictive book and I 'm going to start reading Frankenstein now . I 've heard good things about it . So , another weekend . . . I only get the regular 2 days this week . A friend of mine is coming into town tomorrow night . I 'm not sure what all we 'll do . If the weather holds , we 'll try to canoe on Saturday late morning , but I have to be back and ready to hold Coadster 's hand when she gets her first tattoo at 3 . Okay . I 'm exhausted and I need to get some shut - eye . Nite nite and have a great weekend . How are you all spending it ? I 'm not really sure how this pic of me in my OP shirt from my first college ID survived 5 , 000 moves , but it did . . . Kind of . So , today I reserved our motel room in Ames for Coadster 's orientation at the end of the month . I 've tried really hard to make my girls ' lives that much better than mine was growing up . Since high school was so horrible for me , that 's been pretty easy to do . I hope that we can go to Coadster 's orientation and support her while she makes some of her first adult decisions . I just want her to know that whatever she chooses to do , Stinky and I will love her and support her in any way we can . I tired to remember my own freshman orientation , but it 's all pretty blurry to me now . Of course , my aunt and uncle couldn 't be bothered to take me and my sister so nicely took it upon herself to arrange it so I could actually attend . She had a friend who was home from college for the Summer , but had a boyfriend still up in Cedar Falls , and my sister got her to take me up with her when she went to visit him . As I recall , I was the only student there without other family members . I don 't remember meeting with an advisor and signing up for classes , but I do remember taking a CLEP test that seemed really easy and kicking myself for not taking more and getting out of other classes too . My strongest memory , though , is of the night I spent there . My sister 's friend 's boyfriend lived in a little studio apartment . So , I slept on the floor , pretending to be asleep and feeling very , very uncomfortable while my sister 's friend and her boyfriend dry hum * ped each other on the couch about 5 feet away from me . Here is what all the rain looks like as it tries to get me on my screened - in - porch . Dude . We got so much rain and flash flooding today it was sick . The basement at work even flooded and it didn 't flood two years ago during the big one . I 'm ready for some sunshine and clear skies for a while , but it looks like we 're only getting a day off before it all starts again . The good thing is that all the swollen creeks and rivers look delicious - like liquid milk chocolate . Other than that , I don 't have much to report . I 'm totally obsessing on my book right now . I just want to finish it , so I can get on with my life . I 'm seriously thinking things like , " I don 't really need to stop reading to make dinner , do I ? Hell , we all just ate yesterday . . . . " So , in the interest of preventing an intervention led by my daughters , I 'm going to leave you to finish my book and become functional again . All the rain here lately seems to be great for fungus . Oh my Gawd , kids . It just keeps raining and raining and raining . This weekend was spent dodging storms and trying to do as many outdoor projects as possible before the rain started again . Today I managed to FINALLY finish planting all my lilies . If I 'm lucky , they 'll bloom before the first frost . Looking down at the flat top . I 've been thinking a lot about death lately , since my friend 's fiance passed and since the book I 'm reading is all about loss . I feel lucky in some ways losing so many people who were close to me at such a young age . It 's made me appreciate everything so much more . . . And to think about what would be important to me in my life if I were to die right now . So , I 've been cataloging in my head the things I need to make an effort to do in my life : 1 . Appreciate all the people I have while I have them . . . That means telling them how much I care about them and doing as much for them as possible . I know that 's hard for some people to do , but it 's so important . 2 . Try not to let fear get in the way of the things I want to do or try . This has been tough for me in the past , but I continue to work on it . I 'm almost always glad when I try something new . 3 . Ask for what I want and know that I deserve it . I know I 've talked about this before . It doesn 't mean that I should be demanding , it means that I shouldn 't be so damn scared of rejection . 4 . Figure out what 's important to me and then work for it . Sometimes the hardest part of this , is figuring out what 's important to me . 5 . Fix my shit . Again , I have to figure out what bothers me about myself first and then find ways to work on it . 6 . Don 't let anyone else make me feel like I 'm not good enough . This one has taken me YEARS to work on . . . I was so good at letting people make me feel like shit about myself for so long , it 's hard for me to stop doing it . Once I realize that someone is trying to do it to me , I have to just stay away from them . As I 've said before , I have a hard time letting go of people . . . No matter hoPosted by Discs . So , my weekend has turned out differently than I thought it would . It 's not bad . . . It just didn 't really care about the plans I had for it . Friday was a good day . I ran and drove Stinky and her babysittee to the pool . Then I went with some friends to play disc golf for the first time . I really liked it . . . And I got much better at it with every hole . Of course , I didn 't even get halfway through before Stinky called me to pick her and her charge up at the pool . It was fine . At least I tried it , I know I like it , and I can play it again whenever I want . Friday night was a very mellow affair , I had to run that race the next morning , so I hung out by myself , cleaned my kitchen and watched some more first season of Weeds episodes . I tried to go to bed at a decent hour , but couldn 't fall asleep and then kept waking up to weird dreams . I finally woke up for good around 5 : 30 to a thunderstorm . My friend H . smoking a ciggie before her first foray into disc golf . Storms blew through on Saturday up until a half hour before my first 10K . I was prepared to run in the rain , but they held the race another 15 minutes and then I didn 't have to . I started out pretty slowly , and had way too much kick at the end , but it was a really great experience . I started raining again , right as I saw the finish line , which probably helped my time . I just checked the results and I placed 2nd in my age group for women . That really isn 't saying much , because its a smaller race , but I 'll take it . My final time was 54 . 02 . Which meant I ran about 8 . 42 minute miles . I didn 't exactly tear up the streets , but I 'm still happy with it . The rest of the day , I spent trying to fall asleep with almost no success . I finally got up around 4 ' ish and got ready to go to a BBQ at a friend 's house . It was very nice . I ate great food , had a couple glasses of wine , had a fun talk and got to play with Eggo 's adorable baby boy . I went home around 8 : 30 and was suddenly hit by a blinding migraine . Who knew that no sleep and a couple of glasses of wine would cause that ? Uh , Posted by Here is a darker photo of my tomatoes , basil and thyme garden , with the obligatory marigolds planted around it all to keep out pests . ( they don 't like the smell of them ) So , tonight I am looking down the barrel of a 4 day weekend . I 'm so happy . Stinky is spending tonight and tomorrow night at someone 's house babysitting their kids while they 're out of town . She won 't be back until Saturday at noon . It 's kind of weird . I have a few plans , but I 'm also trying to give myself some time to rest and relax and just enjoy being in my house and in my yard . Tomorrow , I think I 'll run early and then take care of a few errands . In the afternoon I have a date with friends to play frisbee / disc golf . Believe it or not , I 've never played before . I 'm still on my kick to try and do as many things I 've never done before that I can . I 'm excited to see if I like it . Friday night will be pretty mellow for me , since I 'm going to do a 10K on Saturday morning . I 've never raced one of those before either . Maybe I should plan to do something for the first time every day on my extended weekend . My neighbor introducing herself and her pet skunk to me . Really . Le mew , le mew . Depending on the weather , I might go canoeing with some friends on Saturday afternoon . If it 's all rainy , I think I 'll allow myself the luxury of finally sitting on my back porch and reading to the soundtrack of a Summer storm . Saturday night I 'm attending a friend 's bachelor party at the Dublin . Sunday is up for grabs . I 'll work on the house and ride bikes and run and that 's all I have planned . Coadster said she wouldn 't mind having stuffed turkey for dinner again . It 's kind of nice to have all those leftovers for sandwiches for the rest of the week too . I have no idea what I 'll do on Monday . I think I 'll work really hard on cleaning the hell out of my place . I want to make sure I get some rest time and play time on my mini vacation , but I still want to get my place all cleaned up and purty for the rest of the week . How about you all ? Will you be extending your weekend or willPosted by Here are my snaps when they were just babes . I 'll have to put a pic of what they look like now on here . Soooo , this will be mercifully short . I got an email from my friend who 's fiance just died . She was checking to see if some of us girls wanted to hang out with her for a bit this evening . I told her that if my daughter had other plans , I would meet her . . . And shock of shocks , my 16 year old would rather hang out with her friends than her mom . Weird . So , I picked up that friend and Eggo and we headed over to a beer garden at a place called Martinis ( what used to be Bushnell 's Turtle for any of you ex - pats ) . My friend said she wanted to get out of her house , because the walls were feeling like they were closing in . Boy , do I know that feeling . It was a beautiful night and we had a great talk . Remind me to do that in the middle of the week again sometime , will you ? Okay . I better get to sleep now . I want to be all fresh in order to be ready for my last day of work before a four day weekend . Yea ! Here is some pretty for you . Weird day today . We had a work meeting to give me my 10 year in the office anniversary certificate . I didn 't realize I 'd worked there for the last decade . Doesn 't it sound longer when you use the word decade ? I 've worked for the University for almost 13 years altogether . Weird . When I was younger , I 'd be lucky if I lived someplace longer than 6 months . Now I own a house , have kids graduating from high school , and have worked for the same institution for 13 years . Hell , I almost look good on paper now . I never thought that would be possible . In the interest of taking it back to my white trashedness . . . I tried to give plasma today , but I didn 't have enough protein in my blood . I 'm not eating any differently , but I 'm running and riding my bike a lot more , so it could be I 'm just depleting it more . I had to take another blood test today , and then I 'll find out in a week or two whether it 's better . This was the second night in a row that my girls were gone . Coadster got a role in a production of Godspell , and has rehearsal pretty much every night . Stinky went to a friend 's birthday party . It 's nice to have a night to myself now and then , but I can see really missing them in the next couple of years . Since I 'm being all random anyway , I thought I 'd tell you about the book I 'm reading . It 's called , When Will There be Good News , by Kate Atkinson . So far , it seems really well written and the story , though horrifying right from the git , is also fascinating . " On the other side of the wall they could hear the horrible animal noises that meant their parents were friends again . " Was just one of the lines that cracked me up . It just could be the perfect Summer read . I can 't wait to get a couple of hours on my back porch with it this weekend . The ceiling of my friend K . 's porch . So , yeah . It 's been a while . Tonight I had a little migraine . It 's gone now , thanks to meds , but most of the evening , I had to lounge about . I always look at it as that my body must need to rest and so I let it . Anyway , back to the weekend . Let 's see . . . This weekend was so much more relaxing than the one before it . On Friday I ran and then washed some dishes , then headed over to a friend of mine 's house to drink wine and eat Pagliai 's pizza . We had a great conversation in the backyard and watched a storm roll in . It just might have been a perfect Friday night . On Saturday , I mostly worked around my house and hung out with the girls as much as possible . I took Stinky to my friend Eggo 's to babysit at 6 : 30 and got a text from K . that said , " Hey ho bag . Where r u ? U should come to Libbys . It 's fun . " So , I headed over to my friend Libby 's birthday party . K . was gone by the time I got there , but there were plenty of other people and tons of food and beer . I had my two beers and sat by the fire with a few friends . I went home by 11 and started watching the first season of Weeds . For some reason , I 've seen every season but the first one . I fell asleep on the couch and Stinky woke me up to tell me to go to bed . Wow . Do I know how to party on a Saturday night , or what ? Sunday was a mellow day . The weather was amazing , so I ran and mowed my lawn . I had planned to go on a bike ride with friends , but everyone else lamed out . So , I went to one of Coadster 's friends grad parties . Her friend made a big deal about making sure I showed , so Stinky and I did a drive - by after Stinky got off work . Since I missed K . at the party and our bike ride fell through , she asked me to come by her place to have some girl talk . We checked out her garden and gave her housemate J . a bunch of shit until he took off and met some friends at the Deadwood . Then I went home and grilled cheeseburgers and had corn on the cob for dinner . Again . Pretty damn exciting . . . Or not . Like I always say , in my world uneventful is kind Posted by Hey , kids . Blogger is finally letting me post now . Jaysus ! I 'll write a longer post tonight . I just can 't do it at work and Blogger was down last night and most of today . A really skinny guy with leather pants , who we obsessed over last Friday . I don 't think I could have fit my arm into the leg of them . It was kind of freakish . So , I 'll detail Monday quickly , since I need to start my post for this weekend already . What a quick week this was . . . Monday was one big exhale . FINALLY . I hung out with my girls and ran in the morning . In the afternoon , three of my guy friends and K . and G . and I went on a 25 mile bike ride to River Junction and back . I hadn 't ridden for that long since last Summer . At one point , I asked my friends if the fact that I couldn 't feel my ass , meant that it wasn 't there anymore . They all assured me , that it was indeed still there in all its glory . Damn it ! I felt pretty embarrassingly out of shape at the end of the ride . K . and G . and I vowed that we 'd try to go on at least one long ride every week we could . After the ride , I was craving ice cream ( of course ) . K . said she wanted ice tea or lemonade . I told her I made sun tea the day before and had lemonade , plus tons of leftover grad party food , and most importantly , spice cake with cream cheese frosting . We decided to go to my place and eat and drink . G . went down to the Dublin , so I texted her to see if she wanted to meet us . She did eventually , and then we ended up hanging out on my back porch solving the world 's problems ( read : boys ) and drinking iced tea for a couple of hours . It was heavenly . Soooo , this weekend ? I 'm not sure . This is the first Friday in a month that I have to work a full day AND that I 'm not expecting an ex to show up in town . My plan is to have a fire outside , if it 's nice , or to watch a movie inside if it 's not . It 's also Arts Fest weekend here , which is always pretty fun too . On Saturday , I want to run and get some work done around the house . Then I 'll stop by my friend Libby 's birthday party for a while . On Sunday we 're planning on riding our bikes out to the Coralville Resevoir , and if we have the inclination , possibly even to Lake McBride . We 'll see how we feel . . . What 's your weekend lookPosted by Coadster with some of her show choir friends at the party . Before I start in on Sunday , I just have to tell you a good thing . My brother decided to give Coadster some money to buy a laptop for her graduation gift . He gave her enough to get a nice Dell , but she had her eye on a Mac . I mentioned to my friend B . ( who is a computer guru ) in passing that we were looking for a laptop and if he had any advice , we 'd love to hear it . He sent me links to different laptops and then found one on Craigslist where a guy was selling his Macbook that he bought for about twice what we had . Then on Friday night B . told me that he bought that laptop . I assumed he meant for himself . So , I asked him if that was his first Mac . He told me , no . He bought it for Coadster . He got an amazing deal on it and we could easily afford it with what we had . Then he updated it and added all the stuff he had . We picked it up today and Coadster is about ready to explode with excitement for her new toy . Nice . The cake with text hearts and emoticons . Hilarious . So , I hit the ground running on Sunday . I cleaned , I cooked , I got the girls in gear and my sister and brother - in - law were nice enough to pick up some ice and a few things and there was much hub bub and last minute stressing out . My exes brother showed up an hour early . That is one of the meanest things you can do to me . Show up on time ? Great , but early is B - A - D for a procrastinator like me . Anyway , by three I was close to being there , but not quite . G . , D . , and Dex showed up . I quickly informed them that I was ready to start breathing into a bag . G . said , " Tell us what to do , and if you can 't think of anything , I 'll start bossing everyone around . D . 's here and she 's good at that too . " They swarmed the kitchen and washed the few remaining dishes , put out the last of the food and we were completely ready the minute everyone showed up . I really do have the best friends and family in the world . The spread . The party itself was very nice . Once it started , I calmed down and tried to say hi to everyone anPosted by Me and the girls after Coadster 's graduation . So , first please allow me to have a little vent . I just found out that it 's going to cost me $ 450 to get the brakes fixed on my car . Dear Universe , Could you please let me get through a month without a costly mini - disaster ? I realize these could all be real disasters and much , much worse , but I would still really love to have at least one month off without termite invasions , car problems or pipes freezing . Thank you . Love , Churlita . Okay , on to Saturday . . . It all started out well . I ran , took the girls a few places , came home and finished mowing the lawn and cleaning and then got ready for the graduation before I picked Stinky up from work . While at the store , I got the rest of the shopping done . When we got home , my aunt , my sister , my niece and one of Stinky 's best friends were all waiting for us . We quickly changed and jumped into the car and headed to Carver Hawkeye Arena . The throwing of the hats . The arena smelled like livestock , and we later found out there was some kind of wrestling gig there , and apparently wrestlers smell like stinky horses now . Who knew ? The ceremony was nice and emotional and the principal gave a very pointed speech about the kids sticking to their guns when they know what they 're doing is right and not caving to pressure . . . Even if it means losing your job , like he did . Wow . He got a standing ovation from the audience . The school board members on the stage , including the superintendent , remained seated . Anyway , we were all so proud of our girl and I only teared up a tiny little bit when I saw her walk across the stage so tall and poised and I could still remember her little girl voice in my head telling me she couldn 't wait to be a big , high school girl . Awwwww . Originally , I figured my sister and aunt would want to leave right away after the ceremony , so I didn 't even make plans for dinner afterward , but they said they wanted to take us out . Since any of the bigger restaurants were probably booked a long time ago , we just headed to Village Inn and wPosted by |
On Oct . 29 , 2013 , my father woke from a debilitating stroke with no memory of who he was . These letters are my gift to him . / / For more , check out the About page . Today marks the one - year anniversary of this little experiment . One year ago , I was lost , in search of a way to understand the pain I couldn 't shake surrounding my dad 's stroke and the feelings it revived within me . I wanted to understand . To process . To move forward . I never thought a single other person would read these words . I put them online solely because I thought that if I made a devoted space " out there " I would be pressured to maintain it , and thus , to write . But I honestly never pictured anyone else reading , and the thought of someone else reading really scared me . These were private thoughts , some of which I was ashamed to have , much less share with others . It was an immense leap to put them out in the world , but I 've always believed that if something scares you , you should try it . Follow the impulse tugging at your heart and shed the fearful inhibition of habit . It 's not always easy , and it was not easy to do in this case either . If the counter on the sidebar is to be trusted , there are over 200 of you reading this journey . This blows my mind . That there are other people who have stopped to read a website without any pictures on it - in this day and age - is truly striking . So today I wanted to say : Writing about my family and our wild , twisting journey has been a painful , purifying joy . A year later , I am ever so grateful that I leapt when I was afraid to . I 'm also thankful for the outpouring I 've received . Comments , tweets , emails , messages . You have responded to my words with words of your own , and each time they have touched me . That you take time to respond to me , to ask how Dad is , and to tell me your own stories , is amazing . I know you could read and move on . Click the window closed and turn your attention back to work or the kids or that coffee you 're nursing , but you haven 't . You 've reached out to me , and I want you to know that it 's meant the world to me . I have learned a great deal about myself from this experience , and I 'm sure that as I continue to write , I will learn a great deal more . Thank you for journeying with me . Let 's keep going , together . I 'll admit right away that I didn 't think you 'd call . But you did . You always defy my expectations , and for the most part I am always happy that you do . I was sitting on the floor of our living room , catching a few minutes break from cooking Thanksgiving dinner as an episode of Modern Family played on the TV , when my phone buzzed . I took it from my pocket and looked at the screen . DAD , it read . I let out a little gasp of joy and proclaimed to the room , " It 's my dad ! " before jumping to my feet and heading to another room . You were so excited that you barely let me speak . You went on and on about how thrilled you were to have a telephone again , how your friends had taught you how to call me using the speed dial setting I 'd preprogrammed into the phone , how wonderful it was and what a help I 'd been . I finally asked where you were , to which you said without hesitation , " Oh I 'm at the bar . " " Oh , okay , " I said . What else was there ? I was immediately saddened that it was Thanksgiving Day and there you were in a bar ( and of course I pictured some sad , forlorn character from a movie , sitting under dim lights as wafts of cigarette smoke float through rays of sunlight pouring through dusty windows ) . But then I became torn . Had you not been at the bar , you wouldn 't have enlisted the help you needed to call me . You called me again on Saturday , just to chat . It took four tries before you realized you were actually dialing me and that I was actually there , but then you got the hang of it . You 'd called to ask me if we 'd ever had a dog . " Yes , yes ! " I practically shrieked . Not only were you calling me , but you remembered something too ? Could this holiday actually be this special ? And so it was that I spent a half hour or so on Saturday , November 29 , 2014 , telling you about Hope . She came to us when I was in the eighth grade and we lived in our second house in San Diego , the one with the sunny kitchen and no living room . I 'd begged for a dog for ages , often sneaking away from our booth at art shows to spend my breaks with a potter who traveled with her splendidly large Great Pyrenese , a dog who looked more like a walking oversized cotton ball than anything else . Up until this point we 'd always been a cat family - cats and fish . You liked to keep aquariums , which you believed one should do in their most natural state , which really meant that you cleaned it only after the water grew so murky you couldn 't see anything . You 'd taped a razor blade to the end of a scrap of wood , and once the tank got to its greenest , murkiest point , you 'd scrape the razor blade down the side of the glass , peeling off sheets of slime that disappeared into the water filter . It always felt a little like you were unearthing something new , as if we 'd traded our old aquarium for a new one - oh , look ! Fish ! But as much as I begged for a dog , we never got one . They were expensive and took more work to care for than our cats . But then one day I came home from school and there she was , a beautiful red head sitting in our kitchen . I remember that it was gorgeous outside that day , and C , J and I took a tennis ball and went out front into the cul - de - sac and threw the ball for her . She never wanted to give it back to us , so each time she returned we had to wrestle it from her mouth , which somehow only made us love her even more . She was a 90 - pound Golden Retriever named Hope , and she was just what we needed . At night we fought over who she would sleep with . C and J shared a room at this point , C on the bottom bunk and J on the top . They 'd beg you to make Hope stay in their room , and you 'd command her to lie down with C in her bed . Like the good dog that she was , Hope obliged . And after a few minutes , when you 'd walked back to the kitchen to sip your wine and entertain Mom with your singing and philosophical musings while she cooked , Hope would hop out of C 's bed and make her way down the hall to my room instead . She 'd curl up beside me atop the comforter and shimmy her velvety head onto my pillow . I 'd press my forehead into her fur and breathe in the smell of her - soft and warm and comforting , with a tinge of earthiness . Then I 'd roll onto my back and watch the moon crest through the night sky as Hope snored softly beside me . And so it was that Hope became my dog . She was our family dog , of course , but there was something about the two of us . We gave each other our hearts , through and through . There was an understanding between us , a tugging closer of souls who recognize something within each other that they 'd been searching for , like I 'd imagined falling in love felt like . Hope waited for me at the front door every day , so that when I turned the corner as I walked home from school , I could see her there , behind the screen door . At night I took her for walks around the neighborhood , often after dark , often the tiniest bit scared because I hated the dark and the way it never failed to make me think of my dreams , the dark kitchen and the hole I always fell down . You even remembered the second dog we adopted , a black - and - white shih tzu named Oreo a family friend gave us one day when I was in high school . Oreo wasn 't house - trained - or anything trained , really - and we hadn 't had to train Hope at all . She 'd come to us with that part of dog ownership already completed . But we didn 't really end up training Oreo ; Hope did it for us . And Oreo became Mom 's dog , the one who she snuggled with at night on her side of the bed . I used to whisper all my secrets to Hope , knowing she would never tell , and I wondered sometimes if Mom did the same to Oreo . Mom and I both found what we needed in those two dogs . Love and devotion and companionship , no matter what happened . These dogs didn 't know about Disneyland or wine or gin and tonics and beer . They only knew the soft bends of our pillows and the way we held them when we needed to feel the warmth of something we loved near our hearts . You and I only talked about the good things about Hope and Oreo , Dad . You mentioned at the end of the conversation , briefly , that they 'd died , and then you moved on . It had never been that easy for me though . Hope 's death was one of the hardest moments of my life . The way the cancer came , fast and sudden , eating clean through her wrist bone on her front right paw , so that when the vet flipped on the light to show me the X - ray I burst into horrible sobs right there in the office . There was nothing there , Dad . Just an absence where there should have been bone connecting her leg to her paw . On the day that it ended , I couldn 't get Hope to walk through the door into the vet 's office . I know , without a shadow of a doubt , that she knew what she was there for . The fact that she refused to walk through the door made my heart shatter . She wasn 't ready , but her body was . I was sobbing already and couldn 't get her to move , and so you came back out and helped me carry her in . There were some people there , paying for something at the register , and their eyes filled with pity when they saw her , which only broke my heart even further . I didn 't want people to see my glorious dog this way . I wanted them to see how beautiful she once was , red hair rippling as she ran , the soft velvet of her ears and her smile when she 'd found a long - lost tennis ball . When the vet came into the room , she asked if I was ready . " No , yes , no , " I said . One is never ready for things like that . One knows it 's the right thing to do , that your beloved pet is in constant , excruciating pain that she tries to hide from you , but one cannot make this decision with any ease . I 'd prayed for two weeks that she would fade away , comfortable and calm , in her sleep . But that didn 't happen , and here we were , making a decision we didn 't want to make . I cried for a long time , there in front of her . You left the room . I don 't think you could see me like that . My then - boyfriend ( now husband ) , B , buried Hope at his parents house at the foot of the woods , wrapped in her favorite Little Mermaid sleeping bag , which was once my sleeping bag . I had gifted it to her when we adopted her , because she loved it so . She used to carry it around the house , moving it from room to room with her . There is a little plaque at her grave , a gift from B 's parents . It says Hope on it , and a little bird adorns the edge . To this day , I haven 't forgiven myself for Hope 's death . It 's as if there should 've been more I could 've done to save her . Anything I could 've done to save her . When I was young , I 'd told myself that this moment wouldn 't happen , that Hope would " live forever " because that 's what she had to do , for me . I needed her to do that , and that day at the vet 's office , she tried to fulfill that wish for me . She tried to resist , to live forever . And yet , life doesn 't work like that . But we didn 't talk about these things on the phone that day . We talked only of the good . Of the drives we took to the beach , finally joining the other beach walkers with their dogs . Hope racing down the hard , wet sand , her red hair shining in the sunlight , and the other dogs racing with her . They ran into the surf and bounded through the waves . We built sand castles that she walked through , knocking over the turrets and licking our faces , salty with sea water , as we protested . We lay on the floor in the back of the van as we drove home , her fur drying in spindly curls until we got home and gave her a bath with the hose in the front yard , still in our bathing suits . We talked of how she used to open her presents at Christmas , tearing the wrapping paper off with her teeth . Of how she once opened one of C 's presents by accident , she was so excited to receive her gift . How she and Oreo would lay on the floor together and lick each others faces before snuggling together , the best of friends . We talked of what good dogs we 'd had , because it was so very true . And on that wonderful Thanksgiving Day , we shared memories together once again , and gave thanks to a cell phone , spanning the long miles between us , and tugging them closer together for one special afternoon . We gave thanks , to each other and to memories , the thing that we share together . Perhaps this is how things live forever , Dad . You , me , Mom , C , and J . Hope and Oreo . This is how we live on , even past our times , through the sharing of memories with words . Pronouncing them into the air , out loud , and willing them into Truth . Where there was nothing before , there are now our words , living forever onward , pulling us from the fragile wisps of memory into something real . Three weeks ago , you moved out . Found yourself an apartment and moved your meager belongings into it , leaving GC behind . When I called her home , she informed me that you were gone . You have no phone , and thus , I have no way to reach you . We have not talked for three weeks . I 'd be lying if I said this doesn 't terrify me . That you being on your own isn 't a frightening thought , and that I 'm not waiting for the time that my phone buzzes and I don 't recognize the number and it 's what I fear on the other end of the line . I feel this reality bearing down on me like a train I am powerless to stop . One day , I 'm going to be fatherless , and I don 't know how to be that girl . But I also try so , so , so hard to respect this decision you have made . You do not remember how to read , you don 't remember how to write , and you cannot cook for yourself . These are all skills that I believe are essential to living successfully on your own . And yet , you set off to do such a thing anyway . Is this bravery , Dad ? Stupidity ? Stubbornness ? Is it all of this in one ? I don 't know what it is , but I know that your decision was not mine to make . You told me recently that you only have so much time left , and you want to spend it doing what you were put on God 's earth to do : You want to paint . You want to grow as an artist . And you are brave enough to do this no matter what it requires of you . As you constantly told me during my childhood , God would provide . No need to worry . For some reason , I find myself fretting over your food situation most of all . What will you eat ? Maybe it 's because Thanksgiving is right around the corner , maybe it 's because some of my earliest memories are of our dinnertime traditions , but these thoughts occupy my mind . I want to ask if you remember them , but then there is no phone to call . So just I think about it , and imagine telling you . When I was very young , and it was just you and me and Mom , you and I ate dinner together . I suppose Mom was at her waitressing job ; I can 't remember . But you and I would sit next to the fireplace with our plates on the mantle and eat together . If I finished everything , we 'd split a York peppermint patty . I was wild about peppermints , especially Yorks . This was all the motivation I needed to clear my plate . I don 't remember the tradition continuing once J came along . It was a fleeting thing that was only ours . I 've been tempted lately to mail you a big box of Yorks with nothing else in it . I imagined you opening it and the memory of these dinners bursting back to life inside you . But then I don 't . I think I 'm afraid that you 'll open the box and nothing will happen , and how would I survive such a thing ? When I was older and we became a family of five , dinners were different . Mom often cooked two meals , one for the kids and one for the adults . J was exceedingly picky , something Mom blamed on you because at the time J was introduced to solid foods , Mom worked two jobs and you were in charge at home . You fed J what you knew how to make : peanut butter and jelly sandwiches ( creamy peanut butter and grape jelly only ) , spaghetti ( red sauce , no meat ) , chicken nuggets , and pizza . Until J was in middle school , he survived solely off of these meals alone , without exaggeration . C grew up eating much of the same , simply out of habit and ease . I was the odd one . Not as young as my siblings yet not an adult , I flitted between the " grow - up " dinners Mom would make for you and the " kid " dinners she made for C and J , depending on which meal had more abundance . Some nights I pitied C and J for missing out on Mom 's white sauce pasta or three - bean soup . Other nights I burned with jealousy , stuck eating a meal I had no interest in because there wasn 't enough of the " kid " meal to feed three . We never ate together either , except for holidays . Most nights , C , J and I took our plates into the living room ( or later , when we didn 't have a living room , into the master bedroom , where the TV was ) so that we could entertain ourselves with reruns of Fresh Prince of Bel - Air while we ate . Unless we were helping assemble work for the coming art show , we weren 't supposed to be in the kitchen , under Mom 's feet and interrupting your philosophical musings with our " peanut gallery " comments . Children were meant to be seen , not heard . I guess it 's no surprise that by the time I reached high school I ate out with my friends as much as possible . Sitting in the red booths of a Bojangles ' with my friends around me , I found what I didn 't have at home . We passed plates of fries and blueberry biscuits from person to person , laughing and joking and teasing . None of us had any money ; we were high schoolers . And yet , that didn 't stop us from pooling our funds , helping one another find another dollar and afford a meal . Looking back on it , we were all running . Running from something or to something . We pieced it together in the time we had , found a sense of camaraderie and home that we didn 't have in quite the same way within the four walls where we rested our heads . To put it simply , we broke bread together . You hated when I ate out . You lectured me as soon as I walked through the door , asking me what I 'd eaten and telling me how bad it was for me . You didn 't believe in eating out . Food fed the soul , and you couldn 't do that if you weren 't making the food yourself . In fact , it wasn 't until I left for college that you and Mom started taking C and J out to dinner some nights . Before that , I could count the number of times we 'd been to a restaurant as a family on one hand . All of this makes me wonder what you will do now , Dad . What will you eat ? Will you give up your prejudice against restaurant food in order to survive ? Is living on your own worth such a thing , that you would change how you have felt about something for as long as I have known you ? Or perhaps you simply don 't remember . Perhaps this opinion you 'd long held is gone now , and you 're starting fresh . Perhaps you have found the bravery to do this , to move out on your own and live how you want to live , not in spite of these contradictions but because , to you , they no longer exist . Your mind has lost them , one more thing swirling in the abyss . So now , I carry them along with me , in my thoughts of you . I fret over your situation the same way I fretted over each of our moves . My old habit was to lie in bed at night and conjure stories of people breaking into the house in search of something . I imagined as many scenarios as I could , and then I solved them . What if the robbers came in through the kitchen door ? How would we get out ? Would there be enough time to race down the hall to C 's room and back to your and Mom 's room , grabbing J on the way ? Where could we hide if we couldn 't reach the back door ? In the attic ! The bad guys would never find us in the attic , I always thought . Every time we moved , this is how I spent the first night at our new house . I kept myself up for hours , scheming and imagining and working it all out , developing escape plans that I committed to memory , preparing for when some unknown Bad struck . Someone had to be prepared , I thought . Someone needed to think about all the things that I didn 't think anyone else thought about . So I did . And yet here I am now , unable to devise an escape plan for your current situation . It 's not mine to create . This is your journey , and I can 't write it for you . I cannot seek out the hidden doors and fling them open , spilling light onto the encroaching darkness . I can only fill a cardboard box with things I think you need ( a cell phone , Dad , is at the top of that list , preprogrammed with our phone numbers on it ) . I will mail it to GC and hope that she gives it to you . I will wait with as much patience as I can manage for you to call me , and only then will I be able to fret a little less . It won 't be easy , but it will have to do . After all , this is part of love too . Acceptance of a decision that is not mine to make , and is not made in the way I would make it . I must find it within myself to live without an escape plan , without knowing how this will turn out , without knowing what in the world you will eat . I can only send you this package and hope that you receive it . Hope that when you open it , you will call me , and I can say hello and listen as you say , " Oh , hello , Ash , " as the sound of my voice pulls your newly formed memory of who I am from the crevice where I live inside you . I can only ask what you need on this journey you 've embarked upon , and open my hands to help . You remember something ! One year and 80 days after your stroke erased every memory you had , you finally remember something with certainty . And that something is the last thing I would 've ever expected . You remember college football . And not just college football . You remember Notre Dame . You remember that you have cheered for the Irish since you were a child , your deeply Catholic Italian family latching onto the prestige of a Catholic institution as it tried to set down roots on American soil . ( Your grandmother was a first - generation immigrant fresh off the boat from Naples , a feisty woman who once tossed a potful of boiling pasta water out the window of her Bronx apartment onto the passing head of a Portuguese man who 'd been sleeping around on her sister . As the shocked , scalded man leaned back and stared at the heavens , your grandmother leaned forward , straight out the window , and shouted down every Italian curse word in existence . Smartly , the man high - tailed it down the sidewalk and never returned . ) You remember who the quarterback is , though pronouncing his name befuddles you . You remember that Lou Holtz was once the coach , and that he used to grab players who towered over him and yank them down level with his beady eyes , hidden behind thick glasses , to scream at them before slapping their behinds and sending them back onto the field to " win one for the Gipper . " You know that the school has been involved in academic scandal , something that filled you with surprise and shame and confusion . You remember the song … But you do not remember you and me and football . You do not remember that for the longest time it was all that we shared . That I adopted your love of that school , and that together we would remember the song every week when I called to tell you what channel to tune your television to for the game . You depended on me for this , to tell you the channel and figure out the time , because you were ever confused by shifty time zones . After your stroke , I couldn 't watch anymore . My husband , B , tuned in for me . He would find me upstairs in the bedroom after the game , and tell me how it went . It wasn 't a conscious decision , but I just couldn 't handle it . I couldn 't find it within myself to cheer for them when you were 15 hours away , lying in a hospital bed on a respirator , fighting for your life . I wanted them to win , but I couldn 't watch . Their win was your win , their loss , your loss , and there just wasn 't room in my heart for all of that winning and losing and fighting . But this season is different . You 're here , and you 're cheering , and so I cheer again too now . We talk on Fridays about how we think we 'll do on Saturday ( it 's always " we , " Dad , even though we aren 't the ones donning those gold - painted helmets ) . When we lost to Florida State a few weeks ago , I called you to commiserate . You were really sad about that one , Dad . And it kind of surprised me , how much the loss meant to you . I wasn 't with you when you watched it , but I could tell from the sound of your voice that you 'd needed that win , wanted it , and cheered for it . I would be lying if I said that it didn 't make me sad that you don 't remember that we watched games together . That we cheered and commiserated the Irish together . But more than anything , I 'm happy that you have something back . And so I watch again , and I cheer again , and I find myself wanting every win a little more than I did in the past . Before , I wanted it for the win . Now I want it for you . I used to think that one day we 'd get to visit the campus together . I was going to buy Mom a house and take you to a game . Those were my goals . Then I grew up and realized that every ounce of cash I have leftover after bills goes to student loans , and those dreams drifted into the haze of adulthood . I don 't know if we 'll ever see campus , Dad , but I know that every Saturday we travel there together in one small way , shrinking the hundreds of miles that separate us until we meet under the outstretched arms of Touchdown Jesus and look up at the scoreboard together . We stomp our feet on the stands and sing into the crisp fall air , and we cheer so loud … Every time we chat now , we talk about our Irish , and in our talking , we wake the echoes of your mind just a little more , golden layer by golden layer . We cheer together for the future and never forget the past , strong of heart and true to our name . The journey may be long and we must fight for every inch that we earn , but onward we 'll march . Onward to victory . The last time we spoke , it didn 't go well . I asked how you were and you launched into a diatribe about how horrible everything was , about how you 'd been to see an apartment on your own . It was four floors up with no elevator and the only bathroom was on the bottom floor . The hall didn 't have any lights , so at night you 'd have to walk up and down four flights in the dark . It wasn 't great , but you told the guy you 'd take it . Then the super came out , took one look at you , and refused . You were furious . Still furious the next day , when I called you . What right did they have to decide what was suitable for you ? you asked . It was an affront to your dignity , the fact that they didn 't think you could do fine on your own . What did they know about it ? Then you said something I never expected . They don 't tell you in school what you should say in situations like that , Dad . They don 't teach you what to say to help those you love when they feel this way . I was so stunned I didn 't know how to respond . The only real lesson I remember learning about death , before I 'd experienced loss for myself when my grandmothers passed away in college , was something you told me when I was in middle school . One of the teachers at school passed away suddenly , and a lot of the kids struggled with it . I didn 't know the teacher personally , but some of my friends did , and when they cried at recess , an aching I couldn 't soothe filled me , helplessness knotted with sympathy and frustration at my inability to think of the words they needed to hear . When I told you about this , you did something I hadn 't expected . You gave me the words . So the next time my friends teared up at recess , I knew what to say , and I told them what you had told me : Look into the sky . Do you see the way the sunlight streams through the clouds in those long beams ? Do you know what that means ? It means that someone 's soul has been accepted into Heaven . I think of this , Dad , as I drive down the road and the sky breaks open above me , spilling its sunbeams across the hills . I wonder if you have done what you said on the phone . If yours is the soul being accepted . If you are gone and the sky is telling me so before anyone has had time to dial my number . There is nothing I can tell you to make you accept that you need help living now , Dad . I 've tried , and you don 't want to speak to me about it . In this way , you are still the same as you have always been . You think what you think and know what you know , and everyone else is wrong . Plain and simple . I struggle now to find the words that you need , Dad . You don 't have them for me this time . I 'm on my own . I watch the light slip through the clouds as I drive and I try to think of what I should say to you when I call . I want to tell you that life is so hard sometimes . That it gives us struggles we don 't want when we don 't feel ready for them . That even when we have lived a full life , we are not immune to life 's challenges , and that isn 't fair . But it is the way of things , all the same . I want to tell you that this is part of what makes life beautiful . That we struggle together and in that toiling something magical happens . That we find the good in the hardship and in each other , and that makes everything worthwhile . But I 'm afraid you won 't want to hear any of this , Dad . You 're in your rut , and sometimes all someone wants is to wallow for a little bit . To feel sorry for himself and have a good pout and let his tea go cold even though he knows deep down he should go on and drink it . Sometimes we all need a moment like that . To acknowledge the pain head - on . But there 's a step after that , Dad . That isn 't the end , and you can 't think that it is . There is so much left to do , so much more than dying . You might not know what it is yet , but that 's okay . In time , you will . I know it feels like the clouds are thick and nothing can get through , but that isn 't true . There 's light behind the layers of life 's struggles , and soon enough , it 's going to break free . Sometimes in life we have to talk about things we don 't want to talk about . The way I see it , we have two options . We can either pretend it never happened , or we can try to find the sliver of elusive light amid the crowding darkness . I told you I would be honest with you , and that I would tell you the good with the bad . So here I go . By the time I was fourteen , Mom and I had been doing art shows together just the two of us for five years solid . We were as close as two people could be . We even had our own little saying , something we 'd made up between the two of us . One person always began it the same way , and the other person continued it : Mom and I were the only people who told each other this . It wasn 't just an expression of love . It was a proclamation of everything she and I did for each other every day when we prepped your prints and framed your drawings for the coming art show , and every weekend when we left the family behind to sell your work . It was a challenge , because love can be hard , and we lived a hard life that needed a strong love to survive it . One day , you pulled me aside and gave me a bit of advice of your own . It was not enough , you told me , just to tell Mom that I loved her like this . I had to show her . Love is a verb . I can still picture it , the two of us standing in the kitchen , which doubled as our living room because the house was too small for Mom to have a framing studio and the family to have a living room too . We 'd set up the TV in your master bedroom and put the couch in the kitchen , and I remember at first I thought this was just about as looney as it could be - except then I discovered that the kitchen got the best sunlight there ever was , pouring through the wide glass windows right over the couch . That became my favorite place to read . I used to drape my legs over the couch and let the sun warm my calves as I lost myself in A Wrinkle in Time and A Tree Grows in Brooklyn , over and over and over again . That 's where you told me about love , one day in the golden sunlight of the kitchen . And I never forgot it . A lot happened in that kitchen after that lesson . A lot of experience piled onto this one single lesson that you 'd given me . It all started with Disneyland . Out of everything I 'd given up to travel to art shows with Mom , the greatest disappointment to me involved dance . Because I was gone every weekend , I couldn 't take weekend classes or travel with the other students to the competitions that they did . Competing was a form of pride in the studio , a marker of the level you 'd achieved , and you could only move up so far until there was nowhere else to go but into competition - level classes . I used to sit outside the studio door and watch these classes with envy leaking out of my pores . I wanted so badly to be able to travel with them , to attain this level of achievement . But I couldn 't , because I wasn 't available to travel to competitions on the weekends . But eventually , Mom worked it out so that I could move up into the classes that I so desperately wanted . She arranged the art show schedule so that I could attend the majority of the competitions , and she traveled with me and watched me compete in front of the judges . Dance became not only mine , but yet another activity that Mom and I shared . When I won , so did she . So when it was time for the largest dance competition that our studio attended , I begged and begged to be able to attend . It was held every year at Disneyland in Anaheim , a two - hour drive from San Diego and a multi - night hotel stay . It would be an expensive trip . The dancers were required to wear matching purple jackets with our studio 's logo on them and our names embroidered on the front , right over the heart . I didn 't have a jacket yet . They were expensive and unnecessary up until this point . But now , with competitions , they were required . Again , Mom found a way to make it work . She talked the studio owner into letting us pay half - price for an old jacket that someone had purchased and never picked up . I remember bringing it home with me and showing it to you . I couldn 't help my expression . This jacket was from a couple seasons ago , before the studio had changed their official color from blue to purple . You didn 't understand why I cared so much about the color . All I could see is that it was blue when it was supposed to be purple , and how much I would stand out amid a crowd I was supposed to blend into . You rolled your eyes . It was just a jacket . Before Mom and I left for the trip , I thought long and hard about putting a piece of duct tape over the name embroidered onto the front of the jacket . Lorraine , it read . What would be worse , having the wrong name on the wrong - colored jacket , or having a piece of duct tape on the wrong - colored jacket ? Eventually I decided to let it be . What was one more name that I didn 't understand amid all my other names ? The competition was like nothing I 'd ever seen . It was three times the size of the other competitions we did , performances taking place in multiple rooms at the same time . When I wasn 't performing , I 'd sneak into the room with the ballet soloists and snag a chair in the corner so that I could watch . It was round - the - clock stimulation . Glitter and sequins and parents wound so tight it was like their bodies were pressure cookers about to explode . My studio did well , and by the final night , everyone was in jovial spirits . The kids packed into a big rec room attached to the suites we 'd booked while the parents headed out to a restaurant nearby for celebratory drinks . You could practically see the steam trickle from the parents ' ears as the pressure of the past three days released . We kids were thrilled that they wanted to go off on their own . We ordered pizzas and played Truth or Dare and told ghost stories with all the lights off . It was a party like I had never been to , and suddenly , because I had survived it right alongside the other dancers , I was in . It didn 't matter what color my jacket was or what the name on the front said . I was one of them now . At this point in my life , I had learned what the various levels of inebriation sounded like . I could recognize the difference between tipsy and drunk and beyond drunk in about half a minute based on the sound of someone 's voice . This was the education you never thought you 'd given me . All those nights sitting quietly at the kitchen table assembling prints while you sang and lectured Mom on the various theories of your favorite philosophers had taught me something I 'm sure you 'd never intended . So that night , when Mom walked into the rec room , I could tell from across the room that she wasn 't drunk . She was tipsy enough to be happy , to smile wide and laugh freely . I walked across the room and stood next to her , and we listened to people tell stories of the weekend , and we laughed with everyone . Then Mom took a step back , stumbled , and fell . Her head hit the corner of the wall . It happened so fast that she was on her feet again before I 'd really registered that she 'd fallen . Her cheeks flushed and she brushed everyone 's concern off , and we went back to laughing , all in the span of just a few minutes . But then I saw the blood . The trickle of red oozed down her neck from under her short brown hair , stark against her tanned skin . " On your neck . You 're bleeding . " People noticed now . Two of the other parents were nurses , and they ushered Mom to a couch and began separating strands of her hair , trying to pinpoint where the blood came from . I stood on the periphery of the crowd of adults and held my breath , my heart hammering . A gash had opened across Mom 's head where she 'd hit the wall . She needed stitches . But she was upset by now , embarrassed and eager to return to the buoyant energy filling the room just a few short minutes ago . She began to fight with them , pushing and struggling . The adults held her down . One of the nurses brought in an emergency kit and said that they would have to shave part of her hair off in order to close the wound , and that 's when Mom started yelling . I couldn 't do it , Dad . I couldn 't take the look on her face and the blood on her neck and the way she fought and yelled at the adults holding her in place in the couch . My heart couldn 't process all of this pain and anguish and torment , and I flew out of the room before they 'd started stitching Mom together again , flew down the hall into a bathroom and locked the door behind me . Three of the other kids sat outside the door and begged for me to come out . But I refused . I couldn 't watch them stitch my beloved mother together again while she fought against them . Eventually though , I had to come out . They were done stitching Mom 's head , and I wanted to be with her . We 'd carpooled to Anaheim with another family , a mom and her three girls . The next morning , as my mom and the other mom loaded the car with all our costumes and makeup and dance bags and luggage , the four of us girls stood around near the automatic sliding glass doors that led in and out of the hotel . One of the girls , who was a few years younger than me , leaned back against the glass just as someone walked up . Reacting to the motion sensor , the door slid open , right over the girl 's left arm . I 'll never forget the sound of her scream . Her arm was pressed like a dried flower between the thick panes of glass . Her mother raced from the car and lifted that big glass door right off its hinges , freeing her daughter 's arm . I 'd never seen anything like it . Not a soul spoke in the car on the way home . I don 't know if the other girls and their mom didn 't speak because they were so shocked by what had happened with the door , or if they were shocked over what had happened with Mom , but it didn 't matter . I had never before and have never since heard silence like that . Silence made loud by such an incredible amount of pain and fear . Pain at what had passed and fear at what was to come . When I got home from school the next day , Mom was waiting on me . She led me into her bathroom and sat down on the toilet . I remember the frisson on fear that shot through me when she told me what she needed me to do . Earlier that day , while C , J and I were at school , she 'd told you what had happened at the hotel . She 'd asked you to change her bandage , and you 'd refused . She needed me to do it now instead . I was so angry with you , Dad . Angry beyond words . You didn 't believe Mom about what had happened . You accused her of going off to have an affair , of getting hurt while she was away being unfaithful . Out of everything that had happened , out of all the shame and embarrassment and pain that I had experienced with Mom over the past 24 hours , I never in my dreams expected you to react like that . And now , because you refused to help , here I stood in the bathroom with Mom , her head bent back so that I could see the area that had been shaved around the gash . I changed Mom 's bandage for her until she no longer needed me to . Her hair grew back , and no one at the dance studio ever spoke to me about what had happened ever again . But I remembered it all , like a stop - motion movie playing on repeat in my head . Now when I woke in the morning and shuffled into the kitchen , I noticed the empty and half - empty bottles of wine sitting on the sun - drenched kitchen counter . I counted the beer cans . When we stood in the aisle at the grocery store and I read you the alcohol percentage on the wine labels , I thought about how you wouldn 't help Mom when she needed it . How you refused to believe her story , even after I found the bravery enough to knock on your studio door one day and tell you that Mom wasn 't lying . Love was supposed to be a verb , Dad . Love was supposed to mean that you opened your arms to Mom when she got home , broken inside and out . Love was supposed to mean that you comforted her , because it was an unfortunate accident that had caused her and I both pain . But you didn 't do that . And try as I might , I couldn 't find it in myself to forgive you for that for a long , long time . When I think back on my youth now , I know that this was the moment that things changed for me . I started keeping track of how much you and Mom drank each night , a mental tally that I never consciously decided to start doing but somehow did anyways , every morning before I left for school . And gradually , so gradually I can 't pinpoint exactly when , I developed a deep loathing of alcohol . I couldn 't stand it . I blamed it for how you had reacted to Mom 's accident , and for Mom 's accident happening at all . Why did you and Mom have to drink each night ? What was it about our lives that made you seek out solace in something else , something that caused you so much pain ? Why was this event , which loomed so great in my life , not enough to change things ? Where was I supposed to find forgiveness inside myself when all I felt was anger ? I don 't remember you and Mom ever speaking of this event again . Like all of your other arguments , it slipped away into the void , the place where you put everything you didn 't want to say to each other . The place that filled and filled with each passing year with all your disappointment and sadness and anger . There are some events in life that are so painful and so disturbing that people never speak of them again , and for our family , this was one of those moments . You never perched on the edge of my bed and asked me if I was okay , if I wanted to talk about what had happened . I changed Mom 's bandages until her head healed , and then the whole thing faded away , just like Mom 's wound . Over the years , when something would cause me to think back on this , I wondered if Mom had a scar on her scalp . Because this subject felt taboo - just as taboo as asking questions about my biological father - I gave up my curiosity to the void , right alongside the pain . Everything that happened between us , Dad , everything that came next , it was all predicated on this event . Everything changed after this , because now it wasn 't just you and Mom in the void . I was there with you , and I didn 't want to be . I would spend the next four years struggling to find my way out , and not caring what I gave up in the process . I 'm sorry I have to tell you about this , Dad , and I 'm sorry that forgiveness was so hard to find . Eventually , your lesson came back to me , and I tried with all my might to apply it to you . I had to , because it 's like you said . Love is a verb . You were upset when I called . There was no laughter during this conversation . Only the same strain in your voice that became so familiar from my childhood . You told me a story I had never heard . It was hard to understand everything , because you lose words when you 're upset . But I tried to understand . And I knew it was true , because I had heard snippets of things growing up . Only now did you connect all the pieces . When you were young , one of your family members ( grandmother ? aunt ? ) got sick . You were sent to stay at a Catholic boarding school in upstate New York . You spoke very little English , because your grandmother refused anything but Italian in the house while you were growing up . English at school , Italian at home . Words were always hard for you to keep straight , even before the stroke . You were terrified . This was the word you used , over and over , to describe it to me . The children at the boarding school were all afraid of the monsters in a room in the hospital wing , the place the nuns sent you when you misbehaved . All of the children at this place were sent here by their families , and you didn 't understand why someone would send you away to a place like that . To be with other children who all were sent away by their families . To a place with monsters . One day , you were put in the closet in the hospital wing . Where the monsters were , in the dark . And when you said this to me , I could picture it so , so clearly . Because I have been in the closet in the dark too . It happened when I was young , maybe two or three years old . I went to daycare at a woman 's home each day while Mom worked . My strongest memory of the place is of all the children everywhere . Kids in all the rooms and out in the yard . The woman who ran it kept us divided by age , in rooms with toys and shut doors . Sometimes we were locked in the rooms for so long that kids would wet themselves . No one every wanted to do that , because we knew what it meant . It meant a trip to the closet with the lights off . I don 't remember why I was sent to the closet that day , but I remember the darkness . The sounds of the other children breathing beside me . The sliver of light that snuck in under the door . We sat in the dark and whispered to one another , watching the shadows move through the light , and waited on the woman to let us out . It took Mom a while to figure out what I kept talking about . Like you , I didn 't have the words . When I finally found them , Mom understood . I never went back to that place . You told me your story of the boarding school because the person you are living with now , your first wife , GC , doesn 't want you to live with her anymore . I always found it funny , in an interesting life - goes - full - circle kind of way , that GC volunteered for you to live with her once you were released from the hospital last November . You and GC had rebuilt a friendship over the past few years , brought together by your first grandchild . So when GC volunteered , it made sense . Because she 's retired , she could bring you to the many therapy sessions you needed . She lives where you live and where your doctors are located . She had the space and the time to give to you . It seemed like the perfect solution . But something has changed all that now , Dad . You 've found an old friend again , a monster that has been with you most of your life , whispering into your ear . You drink because it is a part of who you are . Even after the months of detox in the hospital and your doctor 's warnings , you will not deny this monster . It exists not in a closet or hospital wing , but deep inside , where it can wrap itself around your heart and burrow into your veins . Where it can take you down that road again , the one you had finally escaped . When I spoke with GC last , she told me a story about you and your monster . She 'd come home one day recently , and you were nowhere to be found . You don 't have a cell phone , so she could not call you . She waited , and waited , and waited . You finally returned home at 3 a . m . You were in a jovial mood . When she asked where you 'd been , you told her the hospital . She was mortified , and asked why , to which you produced your discharge paperwork for her to read . After a rousing night at a bar , you had begun the walk home , stumbling down the street . A passerby saw you and stopped . They were so concerned about you that they picked you up and dropped you off at the nearest hospital , where the doctor 's kept you for a bit while you gathered your senses again . Then you walked home , discharge paperwork in hand . GC was beside herself . She asked why you thought it was so funny . You shrugged . " I don 't know why the person was so worried about me , " you told her . " I 'm not even hurt . " And that 's the crux of it , isn 't it , Dad ? You can 't see the hurt , because it isn 't outside of you , a mark on your skin for you to see with your eyes . This hurt is inside , invisible , where it can pain you and everyone around you the most . This is why GC doesn 't want you to live with her anymore . Because she cannot take the stress you are causing her , the worry and fear and anger and arguments over you and the monster you will not give up . I want so badly , Dad , to have you live with us . But this … . The idea of moving you in with us scares me . I work full time , I run a business , and my husband , B , works long hours . You would be alone all day in our home . You cannot cook . You cannot read . You cannot write . You cannot dial a telephone . You could not call me for help . You would wander away in search of something to fill your aching void and soothe your monster , and where would I find you ? All of this terrifies me . It keeps me from bringing you to me . And this , in turn , makes me cry . Sometimes there are things spoken that hurt more than we could ever anticipate , Dad . The answer is no , I do not live near a bar . I live in suburbia . Short of the YMCA and an elementary school , I do not live near enough for you to walk anywhere . And upon hearing this , you did not want to live with me . Me , who would take care of you . Me , who cries as I type this because deep down I cannot shake the feeling that you have rejected me somehow , because I do not live near a bar . In my heart of hearts , I know that my home is not the right place for you . I am not home for 8 to 10 hours a day . You could not call me for help . You would be so , so lonely . I don 't want to subject you to that . But you have no retirement savings . You have no income other than your Social Security check once a month . You are not a veteran . You have everything against you . We have everything against us . I don 't know how this will work out , Dad . GC has found an assisted living community that will accept your Social Security . You would have your own room , space to paint , a doctor and nurse on call , three hot meals a day . You could come and go as you pleased during the day . It seems like something good when you write it all down . But when we talk about it , you tell me the story of the boarding school in NY , and I am transported back to the closet as your voice hitches and you whisper about the darkness . " I won 't go back there . I 've been once . " Your mind confuses the boarding school for assisted living as we talk , melding the two together . " I won 't go back . I 'd rather live in a box on the street . How can I go to a place where people go to die ? " Oh , God , Dad , there is no answer to this . And so , the conversation ends . There are no solutions , no answers , no decisions . I try to hold it together until we hang up . Then I sit in my chair and cry as the memory of the closet swirls in my mind , and we are there together , trying to fight our way through your monsters , searching for the answers hidden in the darkness . |
The nights grow longer ; a chill wind blows ; dry leaves rustle in the treetops . Once more the season of the witch has returned . Let me suggest to the good members of Elliquiy that in celebration of it we share some spooky stories . For a few years we engaged in a round of hyakumonogatari kaidankai , the ancient Japanese tradition where people tell stories amid one hundred candles , extinguishing them as they go . That went fairly well - - at least until the very end . I would now like to begin a round of de duizenderotischeprikkennacht , the ancient Dutch tradition where brave storytellers gather together to tell one thousand spooky stories . When that final story is concluded , the storytellers will experience a wonderful and strange visitation from the Otherworld . So they say . If you have a spooky story to offer , please post it in this thread . It can be true or somewhat less than true ; it can have happened to you or to someone else ; it can be brief or lengthy . Ghost stories , urban legends , terrifying parables , and tales of woe are all welcome . Stories can be eerie , gory , even humorous . I encourage you to tell multiple stories , although I do recommend including only one story per post . Finally , please give credit where credit is due . Minor editing of a source is perfectly acceptable . Your own stories are great ! But where to start the tale of a thousand tales ? Such a long journey must begin with a particularly bold step , don 't you agree ? Hmmm . . . I think that I 'll lead with W . Somerset Maugham 's rendition of " The Appointment in Samarra , " which I 'm adapting from here . The Appointment in SamarraThere was a goodhearted merchant in Baghdad who sent his servant to the market to buy provisions . In a little while the servant came back , white and trembling , and said , " Master , just now when I was in the marketplace I was jostled by a woman in the crowd and when I turned I saw it was Death that jostled me . She looked at me and made a threatening gesture . Master , I beg you , lend me your horse , and I will ride away from this city and avoid Logged Permit me another ! I 'm lifting this one from here , but E . F . Benson 's classic short story " The Bus - Conductor " has sparked a number of inspired variations . . . Elevator LiftThere was a young woman who had just started a new job in a tall office building . She was walking to work one day when a long black hearse pulled alongside her , matching her pace . This made her nervous and she anxiously watched it out of the corner of her eye . The driver called to her in a deep , booming voice : " Do you need a lift , miss ? " She turned to look at him ; his skin was deathly pale . The man gestured to the rear of the vehicle , which contained a coffin . " Room for one more , " he said . Profoundly disturbed , the woman ran down the street until she came to the office building where she worked . For the rest of the day , she couldn 't stop thinking about the strange man in the hearse . She was relieved when it was time to go home . The woman worked up on the ninth floor and when the elevator came it was almost completely full . She hesitated . " Room for one more , " said a familiar booming voice . The woman gasped . The elevator operator was the hearse driver from that morning . The woman backed away , stammering , " I . . . I 'll take the stairs ! " The man just stared at her as the doors slid closed . The woman had only taken a few steps when she heard first a loud bang , then a chorus of screams , and finally a deafening crash . She hurried downstairs . When she arrived , she was told that the elevator cable had broken ; all of the passengers aboard had plunged to a grisly death . Do you have a spooky story to share ? Room for many more ! Spel Nothing like two - sentence horror stories . A girl heard her mom yell her name from downstairs , so she got up and started to head down . As she got to the stairs , her mom pulled her into her room and said , ' I heard that , too . ' The Doll by Carly DavisHayden had gotten the doll in the mail . She didn 't know who it was from , seeing as there was no name on the box and no return address . The doll was beautiful . It stood three feet tall and had long dark brown hair . Its blue eyes looked far too real in her porcelain face . The doll 's features had been made to give her a delicate and pleasant countenance . As she took the doll out of the box it had come in , Hayden noticed a sealed envelope attached to the bottom . She looked at the front of it , which read , " to you , " took the card out and began reading : Now that I 've found youWe 'll never be apartHayden was totally unaware that she had been reading the message aloud . As she continued looking at the card , she was suddenly overcome with a weird , eerie sensation as though someone were watching her . She looked toward the doll and saw that the doll was looking right back at her , which was weird because she could have sworn her head had been turned down when she had taken her out of the box . What was even creepier was the fact that it looked as if the doll was trying hold back a smile ; the type of smile that said , " I have a secret . " Putting the note on the table , Hayden picked the doll up and stood it in the corner of her living room . For the next ten minutes she walked through her apartment tidying up and trying to shake off the eerie feeling she had gotten from the doll . At about two o clock that afternoon , Hayden thought that it would be good idea to get out of the apartment for a while , so she decided to visit her sister . Her older sister , Paige , was the only family she had left . Ever since they were little girls the two of them had been extremely close . As she walked out of her apartment building , Hayden signaled for a taxi ; fifteen minutes later the driver pulled up to her sisters building . " Thanks , " Hayden said to the driver , handing him a ten dollar bill . Hayden walked up to the buildings intercom and rung for her sister . " Hello ? " Paige asked . " Hey Paige , it 's me . " The door buzLogged " I can 't move , breathe , speak , or hear , and it 's so dark all the time . If I knew it would be this lonely , I would have been cremated instead . " Logged I thought I 'd make a nice dinner for my wife . I wonder if she 'll recognize the taste of her lover . Best I got , just woke up . V . V 1001 " The Moores are having a baby . " I glanced up from the table , surprised . " They got the okay ? " My husband nodded . " The paperwork came in today , so I heard . " He lowered his eyes in sorrow . " Poor Joanna . " " She 's only 53 , " I breathed . A bead of sweat dripped down my brow , landing on the cool , concrete floor of the bunker . I tried to remind myself to be thankful for this place , this concrete tomb , but it grew more difficult each day . Perpetuum Technologies , the company that sprung up just in time for the largest nuclear war the world had ever seen , had designed the vault to sustain one thousand people for as long as it took the surface to be inhabitable again . Exactly one thousand people . Poor Joanna indeed . A folklore story from my town . It could be too graphic or disturbing . So read it under your own discretion . The Jinn 's FireThey will always tell you never to drive alone in the desert . Do not say ' You go on ahead and I 'll follow you later ' , when you plan on a picnic or a camp trip . When the sun goes down , and the fiery redness across the sky is the only ray of light , the lone person will see far in the distance the flare of a camp fire . You 're riding the path your friends have given you . Or maybe you 're going back to the highway through the same path you came through . So you think to yourself , that 's where they are . You drive towards it . And as you climb over that dune that obstruct your view , you realize the fire is on the far right from where you remember . Did you make a sharp turn while scaling that dune ? But you keep on driving there , and no matter how long you 've driven , the fire only remains further from reach . Until the night falls and all around you is pitch black . Finally you see the fire growing closer , and closer . And as you stop to dismount your ride . Be it your trusty 4x4 or a galloping horse . You step closer into the fire . Its bigger than you expected . Not as huge as a bonfire , but much bigger than your camp 's fire , or so you remember . The fire 's light around you luminate what seems to be a village . You 're standing in the middle of a village . Houses of stone and dirt . And the ghastly silhouette of people approaching . You call for them . But was that such a wise choice when the fire 's light finally unveil their marred faces . Clawed and scarred . And as one step closer to you . You can see their nails . Longer , with a flickering surface . Their nails are made of copper . And they 're punished to forever mar themselves with their own claws . Until they please the Jinn who cursed their bodies . They gather around you . There 's already one between you and your ride . And so you storm through them to escape . What could they possibly want from you . And you never wish to know . But this is when you realize youLogged When my older sister was born my parents moved into a small house and in that house the door to the laundry room was right across the kitchen table . So my sister would often be seen sitting in her highchair waving and staring and giggling while looking into the laundry room . This behavior continued for a long time and when she could talk well enough they asked her who she was talking to . She said " The little boy . " My parents asked if he was nice and after this she waited a moment and then replied " Yes . " Some time after this she seemed to forget all about it and my parents dismissed it as an imaginary friend . They never mentioned it after that . When I was born , I exhibited the same behavior while sitting at the table and when I could talk they asked me who I was talking to . I replied " The little boy . " Once again they asked if he was nice and I said the same thing as my sister - - with a slight difference . " Yes , " I replied . " But I think he is lying . " Thank you very much , everyone , for those spooky tales ! Maybe I 'll sleep with the lights on tonight . . . or maybe I 'll just stay up till morning . . . or November . . . For my next story , I 've chosen Gertrude Atherton 's disconcerting " The Striding Place , " which I 'm taking from here . The Striding PlaceWeigall , continental and detached , tired early of grouse shooting . To stand propped against a sod fence while his host 's workmen routed up the birds with long poles and drove them towards the waiting guns , made him feel himself a parody on the ancestors who had roamed the moors and forests of this West Riding of Yorkshire in hot pursuit of game worth the killing . But when in England in August he always accepted whatever proffered for the season , and invited his host to shoot pheasants on his estates in the South . The amusements of life , he argued , should be accepted with the same philosophy as its ills . It had been a bad day . A heavy rain had made the moor so spongy that it fairly sprang beneath the feet . Whether or not the grouse had haunts of their own , wherein they were immune from rheumatism , the bag had been small . The women , too , were an unusually dull lot , with the exception of a new - minded debutante who bothered Weigall at dinner by demanding the verbal restoration of the vague paintings on the vaulted roof above them . But it was no one of these things that sat on Weigall 's mind as , when the other men went up to bed , he let himself out of the castle and sauntered down to the river . His intimate friend , the companion of his boyhood , the chum of his college days , his fellow - traveller in many lands , the man for whom he possessed stronger affection than for all men , had mysteriously disappeared two days ago , and his track might have sprung to the upper air for all trace he had left behind him . He had been a guest on the adjoining estate during the past week , shooting with the fervor of the true sportsman , making love in the intervals to Adeline Cavan , and apparently in the best of spirits . As far as was known there was nothin « Last Edit : October 12 , 2014 , 10 : 19 : 34 PM by Spookie Monster » Quote from : Euron Greyjoy on October 07 , 2014 , 04 : 02 : 13 PMGetting married . Lmfao . Hmm , well this is a true story . A long time ( I think it was about ten years to be more accurate , ) me and my friends were messing around late at night , adventuring and having a good time . Well , we decided to throw ourselves a little party on an old abandoned field . I , having a bad feeling about it the moment I stepped foot , wasn 't too keen on the idea . The area itself was a bit creepy to begin with , there was a run down church across from it that had been that way since I was little and known it . Needless to say , some of the guys were a bit intoxicated at the time I was with . We even later set up a small campfire and gossiped / told various stories . Well , I saw one of my friends who wasn 't at the fire , just running and screaming , scared out of his mind about something . Of course , I am not the type to sit around to see whatever it may be , so I got up and bolted away from the campfire into a similar direction or more importantly one where my vehicle was at the time . I heard footsteps behind me , so I figure it was the other guys as well , likely they decided to follow me towards the vehicles . I felt something brush against my shoulder , as if it was grabbing me or trying to stop me , but the moment I got off that field it stopped . I turned around and saw no one there , nothing . At that time , I was literally ' screw this place , screw you guys , I am out . ' I straight up got in my car and left . I had no intentions of stepping foot on that field again . My friend that got spooked said he saw something , which was why he took off running . Later we found out ( or I more importantly ) that that site was part of Indian Burial ground and thus why it was later abandoned . Of course , I am not sure how much of that is true , but I do know I am never going anywhere near that field or nearby ruined church again . Logged Not all spooky stories are horrific . Some - merely have a lesson to be told . The one I am going to relate is based on an old Ukrainian folk tale , which I will link at the end . A long time ago , a farmer lived with his wife and two daughters at the edge of the forest . The oldest daughter was his child from a previous wife , and his new wife hated her - spoiling the younger and forcing the elder to dress in cast - offs and treating her no better than a servant . Worse than a servant perhaps . One year , when the winter was exceptionally fierce , the farmer and his family began to run low on food . As the wife wouldn 't dream of stinting her own daughter , she prevailed upon the farmer to take the older girl out into the forest and leave her . The farmer reluctantly did as his wife wished , and took the girl to a shack in the woods . He was not completely heartless , as he left her with a blanket , some firewood and some hunting snares , so she was able to catch a rabbit for food . And since she was not utterly spoiled , she was able to prepare a rough stew over the fire . At night , however , it got terribly cold and frightening . She imagined all sorts of perils in the forest , and nearly jumped out of her skin when there was a knock at the door . Despite her fears , she got up and answered it . There , on the ground , was a head . Just a head . To her growing horror , it opened its eyes and spoke to her . ' I am cold and hungry . Bring me inside that I might warm myself . ' Needless to say , she was terrified - but she was also a kind - hearted girl . So she lifted the head and brought it inside , setting it down on the floor near the fire . The head gave a non - committal grunt and then demanded , ' I am hungry . Feed me . ' The girl looked at what was left in the stew - pot . It was barely enough for her breakfast . Still , she fed the rest of it to the head , which burped ( don 't ask me how - or where the food went ) and said , ' I would sleep now . Give me a blanket so that I can rest comfortably . ' By this point , the girl was near tears with the constant demands , especially siLogged This one is actually true , or at least I believe the memory of it . I honestly can 't recall if I was dreaming or not . I was very , very young yet , talking like 4 or 5 . My parents always left a light on in the hall outside my room because I was afraid of the dark . This particular night , I looked down my bed towards the open door in the hallway and there was a shadow cast into my room of a person , but it was attached to no body . It walked into my room and up to my bedside . I remember feeling no fear at all . To this day , I still believe it was my late grandpa coming to visit me . Years ago , probably sometime in 06 , me and my friends were hanging out . Well , I figure it may be interesting at that time to bring an older ouija board that one of my elder siblings had . Two of my friends didn 't want anything to do with it , one of my friends decided to experiment with me . I can 't exactly recall the questions that were inquired , my friend at the time was doing more of the asking and I was just going along with it and the answers aren 't as memorable as either . Though the events that followed shortly afterwards in those span of days were . The first night that I slept , I felt a presence around me . It did not bother me as much . The second night I slept , again the presence , this time it felt like it was grabbing me . A bit disturbed at this point , but I figure , probably just my imagination . The third night I slept , I felt that I was being dragged down from my bed , literally . Like something was holding my ankles . I freaked , but I couldn 't call out for help . I thrashed about , and I think the more I tried to call , I heard a voice , something choppy and incoherent . Somehow I did manage to break free and ' wake ' up . I wasn 't physically pulled from anywhere . Now truly disturbed by this I ended up leaving a night light on for a small period of time after the event . I haven 't had any further restless nights following the short amount of time with the light on and off . On another note , my friend told me something that he occasionally sees certain light 's flickering when he drives by them . Lights that don 't flicker otherwise . Not sure if they still do , but lampposts will waver and I have seen it happened to when riding with him . The moral of this story ; don 't mess with ouija boards , even as a ' joke . ' I am not a overly superstitious guy myself , but there are some things I am not going to touch and those things are permanently one of them . Logged Thank you very much , guys ! Is it getting spookier in here or is it just me ? For my next , I offer " Fatal Glass Eye , " a folktale as retold by S . E . Schlosser . Fatal Glass EyeMy friend Liverpool Jarge was a small man , wiry and tough , but soft - spoken . Jarge had one glass eye that was an ugly shade of blue which clashed something terrible with his real eye , which was brown . Then one day Jarge met up with a glassblower , a real artist , who made him a special red eye with a star . After that he started collecting glass eyes . They were the fanciest things you ever did see , with stars and pretty stripes and more colors than any real eyes could ever have . I went with Jarge when he placed his next order . By that time , he had so many glass eyes that he was hard to please . So I kidded Jarge that he should get an evil eye . Right away the glassblower said he could make a glass eye that was hollow so it could be filled with deadly poison . Jarge was as pleased as Punch , sayin ' that a man never knew when he might get to the place where he 'd want to commit suicide , and what could be easier than to pop the eye into his mouth and bite down ? Well , me and Jarge signed onto the same ship , and Jarge 's new eye was delivered the day before we set sail . What a creepy eye it was , too - - the perfect evil eye . It was made up of rings of color that narrowed into a single red spot . If you looked at Jarge just right and he looked at you just right , the colors ran together and the red spot popped out and would scare the life outta you . It was hollow , too , like the man promised , and filled with a white liquid . Jarge tried that evil eye on everyone on board ship - - includin ' me . Scared the bejesus outta me , and I 'd already seen the blasted thing . ' Course , all of us told him to lay off or we 'd brain him . All of us ' cept a little Cockney feller name of Bell . Everyone called Bell " Ding - Dong " on account of his name . Bell nearly shriveled up with fright each time Jarge appeared with the glass eye . Jarge was tickled to death by Ding - Dong Bell 's reaction and took tLogged Time for some " Reflection . " I 've snatched bits of this one from here and bits of it from here , stitching the two versions together into a sort of Frankenstein 's monster . . . ReflectionOne cold winter 's night sixteen - year - old Katie was home alone . Her parents had gone out to a dinner party , promising to return before it was too late , but a freak snowstorm hit the city and they were waiting at their hosts ' until it blew over . After studying for a couple of hours Katie decided to relax . She made some popcorn , found a nice thick blanket , went into the spacious living room , and picked out a movie - - a horror movie . The television was positioned to one side of the glass sliding door that led to the patio and the backyard . Reclining on the couch , Katie started the movie and pulled the blanket up to her chin . All at once a strange man appeared in the glass of the sliding door ! He gazed at her menacingly . Terrified , she grabbed her phone and pulled the blanket up over her head . Fortunately , there was a patrol car not far from the house ; soon a police officer arrived . Katie frantically related her story about the strange man that she 'd seen standing outside , staring in at her through the glass . The officer opened the glass sliding door and checked the patio and the backyard . Returning after a few moments , he explained to Katie that there couldn 't have been anyone standing out there , because there were no footprints in the snow . He told her that she was probably just tired and frightened by both the movie and her parents ' absence ; her imagination had gotten the better of her . Though still a little shaken , Katie sighed in relief . As the police officer returned to the front door , however , he glanced to the carpet behind the couch that Katie had been relaxing on . He looked closer , then looked around ; his face went pale . He called for backup before turning to Katie . " Miss , you 're extremely lucky , " he finally said . " Why . . . ? " she asked , not quite sure if she wanted to know the answer . " Because there are wet footprints here , " he explained . Logged This one popped up on LoL 's subreddit a few months ago . It 's still spooky . StoryBefore reading this , I just want to clarify that this post is not an attack on the honor system of League of Legends ; it is more of a personal statement . . . My client crashed midway through a game two days ago , and I was feeling pretty tired , so I logged off and went to sleep . After relogging today , I noticed that I had received an honor from that game , the " honorable opponent " one , to be exact . I originally thought someone DDOS 'd it , but the fact that I received honor from it was weird to me . I couldn 't really remember what that game was about , since it was so short , but luckily , I had the recording of it on my LolReplay , despite it not showing up on my match history . I played Nocturne jungle for that game , like I usually do , more recently now because of the new skin , and I had a pretty standard build for about 15 minutes , which was a madred 's razor , some boots , a vamp scepter and a few health pots up until the point that my client crashed . Upon re - watching it , I realized off the bat that something was . . . off about that game . The enemy jungler never connected . In the loading screen , his / her name never appeared . " Typical " I thought . " The name is probably in another language . " But after the screen loaded , I saw that he simply had no name . Stranger yet , he was also a Nocturne player . From the beginning , he sat still in his base . I might as well describe to you what happened during the game . We started out normally , and I jungled and ganked , but no one died for the first 15 minutes or so . Everyone was reasonably leveled and farmed , with every player being in the 6 - 10 level range , save for the enemy Nocturne . It was at 15 : 13 when I used my ultimate to get what seemed to be an assured kill on the enemy Soraka . This is when the game crashed . . . or when I thought it crashed . My recorder thought otherwise . In the replay , the screen glitched for about 10 seconds after I ulted her , with everything freezing in place . When I was actually playing the game , Logged To celebrate their first year in university , six friends went camping in the wilderness . After driving for several hours from the nearest town , they discovered a lagoon , nestled beside a cliff ideal for diving . They set up camp in the woods nearby and spent the evening swimming in the warm , clear water . As the sun sunk below the trees , one of the friends went up to the highest point on the cliff and jumped off , while the other five watched . Their laughter slowly subsided as they waited for him to surface . It only took half a minute for them to dive in after their friend . Struggling and sputtering among the weeds in the lagoon , they searched hopelessly for him . Finally they disentangled themselves and came up , but they never saw their friend again . Heartbroken , they returned to the city and passed a strange and lonely year in which their only solace was the knowledge that they would return to the lagoon to honour the anniversary of their friend 's death . A year passed and they returned to the lagoon as a memorial , but as they approached they saw their friend standing there , head bowed . Excitedly they called to him and began running , but he didn 't turn . As they got closer they called him more desperately , but still to no avail . With joy they ran towards him , but stopped dead when they saw not one but five crosses on the waterside . |
Daughter called me a little after 4 : 00 , very excited . She had been discharged . The paperwork was done and I was to come get her right away . She wasn 't eating supper there , I 'd have to take her out to eat . Her call was unexpected , to say the least . . I dutifully drove over and picked her up . We were given a prescription that needed to be filled tonight . I asked if they could give me one pill to cover tonight , but the nurse said she couldn 't ( I know another nurse did once with a late discharge . ) . We came straight back to Town , but our national chain pharmacy was closed , as was the independent pharmacy . We made it to the super discount store north of town 15 minutes before their pharmacy closed , so we got her pills and then stopped at McDonald 's . . I hope she 's ready to be home . She thinks she 's ready . On the way out of the door I paused long enough to lock up the medication and knives again . We 'll see how she does . I need to call and make her an appointment with Psychiatrist for 2 weeks . I 'll get her in with Therapist this week . . I just told her I was not willing to take her to a friend 's Halloween party tonight . I 've driven over 100 miles for her today . I 'm not willing to go out again to take her to a party 15 miles from here . She was not happy about that . We 'll see if she 's able to hold it together . I need to go write a sermon for tomorrow . . . . Daughter missed 2 days of birth control pills , so her period started today . She asked me to bring supplies when I visit this evening . She has not had a bowel movement since she was admitted . She has informed me she 's waiting until she gets home . I don 't need that much practice plunging , so I will again ask them to give her something this evening . She says the voices were silent last night , and she slept well and was up early . That 's wonderful news . She sounded better today than yesterday . I can hear the improvement in her voice . . I 've started my first load of laundry of the day , and am working in the kitchen . I 've washed the dishes and now I 'm going to make apple sauce . I 'm pondering my sermon for tomorrow . I want to have it done before I head to Big City to visit Daughter . As she improves , I recognize just how exhausting her challenges have been for me . I have a wonderful story I often tell in pastoral care situations , particularly with caregivers . A frog who is dumped in a pot of hot water will immediately jump out . A frog that is put in a pot of cold water that is then gradually heated will not escape , and will be cooked alive . It 's not until Daughter is safely hospitalized getting treatment ( that is working ) , that I realize how hot the water was that I have been living in these past few months . I 'm enjoying the cooler water . Posted by Daughter was much improved tonight . She said that the voices are getting quieter and are speaking more slowly . She told me I don 't have to come over every day - - that it is important for me to take care of myself . . The insurance company called today . They wanted to know about aftercare plans . Did I want to change Therapist and Psychiatrist ? No , I don 't want to change . They have approved 3 more days , so she can stay through Monday . . At this point I 'm cautiously optimistic . I 'm also very tired . . . . Daughter called this morning . She wasn 't crying . I don 't remember the last time she called me on the phone and she wasn 't crying . She told me she slept well last night . Her blood sugar was 98 ( perfect ) this morning . She wants me to bring in her Yaz ( birth control pill ) tonight . The nurses have been telling her to ask me to bring it , and she finally was doing well enough to follow through . She wants me to call her friend and say she won 't be able to come to her Halloween party . She asked me to bring her gel pens . . All of those may seem like little things , but compared to how she has been doing , they are huge . She is improving . Hopefully she is improving without the tremors coming back . Hopefully . . C is coming this morning , and we 're doing more organizing and decluttering work around here . She called last night when she heard Daughter was in the hospital , wondering if I still wanted her to come . I told her I did . The only things that have changed about my daily routine with Daughter in the hospital is that I get to sleep until 7 : 30 , which is an hour later , and I go to the hospital in the evening . I 'm keeping the rest of my schedule normal . Today my normal routine will be punctuated by smiles , because Daughter called me this morning . Posted by Daughter didn 't call me today . When I got there she was in bed sleeping . I made her get up . She had napped off and on all day . Psychiatrist increased Depakote . Depakote was decreased because she had a bad tremor . Her blood sugar was 210 before supper . She said her tray didn 't contain the food she and the dietitian selected . I raised these issues with her very nice evening nurse , who made notes and will follow - up . . I left at 5 : 30 to go visit her , and got home at 9 : 00 . My days are much longer when she is in the hospital . On a positive note , I had a good phone interview about a church that is located as the same metropolitan area as Sister and Brother . Far Away Sister thinks it would be great for me to be back in an area with more resources with Daughter . She may have a point . Posted by So this morning I was lazy and didn 't shower . I threw on old slacks and a t - shirt before going over to the church . It would be office stuff this morning , and then sermon work this afternoon . I didn 't need to look nice . I had just come home for a quick lunch before a phone interview when someone came to call me back to the church . A man was there seeking information . . The congregation that has been his church home all his life is voting to close on Sunday . About 10 years ago they went against the wisdom of our judicatory to call a pastor with issues . He has succeeded in killing a congregation that once showed great promise . The board cooperated , of course , and this man , R , had warned them when he served on it that there were issues that had to be addressed if they were to survive . They ignored him . . Now R is grieving and seeking a new church . It would be quite a drive for him to come here , but he is willing . I grieved as I heard his story . He quit attending the church when his warnings were rejected . He could no longer give his unspoken support to what was happening ( and not happening ) . He worries about his parents , who are elderly and are losing the only church they 've ever known . He has gone through serious health problems these past few years without the support of a pastor . I grieve . . Why do we allow pastors without the skills and gifts they need to continue in the church ? Why are churches so afraid of addressing issues and pursuing health ? I invited him to worship , of course , but there was no joy in my invitation . There was grief over opportunities forever lost in a community which will soon have one less congregation ministering and proclaiming the Gospel of Jesus Christ . Posted by I admitted Daughter to the psych unit in Big City this evening . She had an appointment with Therapist this afternoon , and I told her I was concerned she needed to be hospitalized . Less than 5 questions into her assessment it was clear she needed to be hospitalized . The voices are growing stronger , and when she asked Daughter about her ability to resist them , Daughter began to cry and said she was afraid she couldn 't continue to resist . During last night 's rage , the voices were telling her to strangle me . . Therapist called Psychiatrist and talked to her nurse . Nurse talked to Psychiatrist . Psychiatrist ordered a direct admission . I hate leaving her there . The nurse on the unit explained to me why they couldn 't control her diet or follow her insulin program . I explained to nurse that if Daughter 's blood sugar was running sky high they wouldn 't be able to determine if high blood sugars , too much medication , or severe depression were causing her lethargy . I suggested that would not be helpful . They decided maybe they could find a dietitian after all . . Her appointment with Therapist was at 3 : 00 . I got home at 8 : 40 . I 'm a little bit tired tonight . That 's an understatement . Posted by Daughter was up and cooperative this morning . She told me she still felt guilty about the way she 'd treated me last night . I told her it might help to apologize - - she thought she had . I assured her she hadn 't . I had a breakfast appointment this morning , so Daughter took the bus to the workshop , and then I picked her up when I finished with my breakfast appointment . Today was senior luncheon day . I made ham and beans after the funeral yesterday , and Daughter took them over to the community building last night . . She sat next to me and ate her cornbread , but was too sick to eat any beans . She had a miraculous recovery in time for the apple dumplings , which I didn 't want her to have . The other women are much kinder than I am . I told Daughter I didn 't know what to believe about her health at this point , which prompted more contrition and she dried the dishes I was washing . She told me she felt like hurting someone . I 'm beginning to wonder if she 's going to need to be hospitalized again . I hope not , but we 'll let Therapist sort her out later this afternoon . . Now she 's emptying the dishwasher and putting the laundry in the dryer . After Therapist , I have a couple coming over for premarital counseling tonight . I need to do a bit of cleaning before they arrive . You can always tell how busy I am by the mess in my house . I got up early this morning and cleaned up after my adventures in ham and beans in the kitchen yesterday . For some strange reason , if there is any dish in the sink , Daughter then becomes incapable of rinsing her dishes off and putting them in the dishwasher . I haven 't quite figured out how that works yet . Posted by Due to computer problems ( I lost all the work I had done on the funeral for D today ) , I was very late getting to bed last night . I ended up getting less then 5 hours of sleep . This was my first funeral since Dad 's , so it was more exhausting than usual . . When I finished the funeral , I had two voice mails from Daughter . She couldn 't stay there any longer and I had to come get her . I called her and reminded her I was busy all day . I assured her she could make it through and I would see her when she got home . . The end result was that by this evening I was so tired I didn 't feel good . . Daughter was concerned because I didn 't feel good , and then she watched a TV show she had on the DVR . The mom wasn 't feeling good , and the episode ended with her being taken to the hospital in an ambulance . I told Daughter it was time to get her meds and get ready for bed , and she had a melt down . I told her I was fine and I wasn 't going to have to go to the hospital . She insisted that wasn 't the issue , the issue was I was a * itch and was treating her like a 3 year old . She refused to take her medication or insulin . I 'm going to try to get her to take them one more time . . I guess it 's no wonder that I 'm tired . At least my back didn 't hurt after the service , thanks to a suggestion from a good friend , I stood on a foam mat , and as a result was able to stand on the concrete floor in the basement without killing my back . Thanks , KJK ! I confessed to my ulterior motive today . This is the second Monday C has come to help me bring renewed order to the chaos of my home . Today we tackled the study . We made progress , but there is more to do . Anyway , one of the reasons I hired C is that I figured she was struggling with depression after returning home when her California dreams didn 't work out . I was right , and we talked about that today . While we sorted and shredded , I offered advice and support . I told her that had been part of my motive . I told her I was multitasking : providing pastoral care while bring order to my life . She 's grateful . . I have resigned myself to the reality of having D 's funeral in the church basement . I told the family today , and while I 'm sure they 're disappointed , they understand . I told them I had decided it was appropriate , since D liked to serve and work behind the scenes . They agreed . . I got my H1N1 vaccine with only an hour wait this evening . Daughter will get hers at the workshop next week . Now I need to head over to the church . I have some youth helpers coming over to help get ready for the funeral , and I need to print the bulletin and write the liturgy . . Daughter got home before I did today . She handled it pretty well , calling me to tell me she was home . I was 5 minutes away , and told her to meet me out front because I was going to pick her up and we were going straight to the health department . She called around lunch time , thinking she could con me into coming to get her . When I reminded her of my schedule she stopped complaining . She did tell me this evening she hates it when I 'm this busy . I reminded her I still had time to feed her and talk to her , and I 'd always love her . She 's using words now , and that 's an improvement . Posted by We are in the process of getting new carpet installed in the church , so worship was in the basement today . Instead of standing on a carpeted wood floor , I stood on a bare concrete floor . My back didn 't like it at all . Unfortunately , the memorial service Tuesday will have to be downstairs . The church won 't be put back together and cleaned in time for us to do it upstairs . I 'm frustrated , but there 's not much I can do . I 'll need to make sure I 'm wearing shoes with lots of support for the memorial service . . Daughter had bowling this afternoon , and then we came home and I had a meeting at the church before a youth group event tonight . We had a bonfire at the home of some members . They had a fire started over by the field . Some cows came over to see what we were doing , and one kept trying to mount the other . The kids thought it was hilarious and gross , and it was made worse when the boy who owned the cows revealed they were mother and son . . . . . We ended up leaving youth group before s ' mores . Daughter was done . She had used up all her coping ability and was trying to hold off a meltdown . She managed to hold it together until we got in the car . . I have a very full week coming up , and I hope Daughter will be able to hold it together . At this point , Monday - Wednesday I 'm pretty much book solid . I get nervous when I 'm booked that solid , as it makes it very difficult to handle any emergencies that might come up . I sat at the bowling alley this afternoon trying to organize my week . I think I have a plan that will work , provided there isn 't an emergency and everybody cooperates . . . . I 'm trying to remember the last week without emergencies and with cooperation . I 'll let you know when I remember it . Posted by If I keep Daughter busy , she does well . If she has unstructured time , she falls apart and starts claiming she is hearing voices . So , I 'm trying to keep her busy . I bought her a DVD player with some of my inheritance . She worked hard this morning , so I gave it to her . Now she 's sitting beside me watching DVD 's while I watch football and work on sermon and funeral . She wants to have physical contact with me . That 's okay when I 'm on the couch working on the computer , but not so good when I 'm trying to cook . . I 've also made apple sauce and an apple pie today . I 'm in the mood to cook for some reason . Daughter isn 't complaining . I need to get in the mood to figure out worship . I 'm getting back on track , I hope Daughter will soon . Today has been a better day . Daughter is penitent and super cooperative . She could read the signs and knew she had gotten on my last nerve . This morning I was trying to decide what order to do my rounds in this afternoon . I had three different plans , and finally decided to go visit D , who is on hospice , then A , who is also on hospice , and if I had time check in at the nursing home to the north ( A and D are in nursing homes south of here ) . I walked in to visit D and her daughters were surprised and pleased . They asked if their brother had called me . How had I known to come ? Within 10 minutes of my arrival , D drew her last breath . It was quite peaceful . The hospice nurse had her schedule messed up today , so when the nurse went to call her , she was right next door and was there immediately . They were so grateful that the nurse and I were so readily available . I pointed out that if God could take care of the little details , we can certainly trust God for the big things . It was a reminder I needed , too . Her funeral will be Tuesday . By then they should be done installing the new carpet in the church . After supper we had a brief storm , and then the sun came out . I went out on my front porch and there was a beautiful rainbow directly over D 's house . You can see it in the picture above . I will share it with her family when we sit down to plan the funeral . Posted by Today has been one of those days . I was up early and had supper on in the crock pot by 7 : 30 . Then Daughter unplugged the crock pot to start the dishwasher . Fortunately , I found it and was able to plug it back in before I went over to the church . We are getting new carpet installed in the sanctuary and prayer room . It was decided that many of the items that needed to be moved could be placed in the office . The office is literally an obstacle course , and we can 't get at all of our office supplies . That set the tone for the day . . The bulletin had a phantom word in it . It wasn 't appearing on the computer screen , but when we 'd print it out , " organist " was over the Scripture lessons . We couldn 't white it out without whiting out words we needed . I cut and pasted the good parts to a new document and reentered the page that had the phantom word , but the phantom word still appeared . It finally moved to the point that Secretary could white it out . The bulletin kept printing very crooked . I came home to print something on my computer , and it wouldn 't print . I finally copied the file to a flash drive and went back over to the church to print it . . As we were fighting with phantom words and crooked copies and non - cooperative printers , the carpet installers arrived . I never knew it was so noisy to install carpet . Actually , they weren 't installing carpet today , they were repairing the floor , which is well over 100 years old . Then there was Daughter . She was calling me at regular intervals in tears with vague complaints . I finally decided to go pick her up , since she was sure she was going to start puking . . She has been in bed since she got home , getting up long enough to eat supper and shower . Is she sick ? I doubt it . Several months ago , a substitute supervisor at the workshop warned me that there was a group that was pretty vicious at the workshop . She told me that if Daughter ever came home and told me that they were picking on her , I should believe it . I think that may be part of the issue . . Because she was home , I couldn 't makReverend Mom Today I 've been paying for taking it easy yesterday afternoon and not running around visiting people . It took over 70 miles to make 2 visits this afternoon . One of our women on hospice is declining fast . I am waiting for the phone call . I visited her this afternoon . Her son and one of her daughters was there , and I also visited her sister , who is in the same facility . Another daughter was coming from out of state , and should have arrived by now . . The woman was only semi - conscious , and when I went in and identified myself she began crying " help , help , help . . . " I found myself wondering if my parents had suffered when they were dying . When I visited Saturday , the woman was eating lunch and we shared communion . I 'm glad I made the trip . Her daughter thought that may have been the last time she ate . . . . . Our man who has been in the hospital thought he 'd be discharged this afternoon . I hope he was . Tomorrow I have to go visit the other woman who is on hospice , and if the woman I visited today is still alive , I 'll stop by to see her , too . Friday I plan to go to the nursing home in the other direction to visit the 3 people we have there . . Daughter has called me in tears every day this week . Each time she has had a different story . Monday , it was voices . Yesterday , it was Flasher harassing her . Today she was having stomach problems . We saw Therapist this afternoon , and Daughter talked about her " big feelings . " She claims Flasher has calling her the N word at the workshop today . I 'm not sure I believe it . She 's back to lying all the time and sneaking food . While I 'm not sure how much of what she is telling me is real , I do know this much : she is caught in a downward spiral right now . I hope that Therapist gave her some tools today to stop it . I hope . . Again tonight I am exhausted . The next two mornings I 'm going to have to do some intensive work on my sermon for Sunday . I did have a laugh today . The hospital had a huge sign listing who shouldn 't visit . It included those under 14 , anyone who is experiencing nausea and vomitinReverend Mom Today was a productive day at the office , as I finished newsletter , bulletin , and wrote 2 letters . As the day has gone on , I 've felt progressively worse . I 've been blowing my nose and spending lots of time in the bathroom . At some point I decided that I 'd best get as much as I possibly could done today , because tomorrow I may feel worse . . Daughter called once . Today she wasn 't hearing voices , today Flasher wouldn 't leave her alone . At least she 's not giving him another chance . She told me she didn 't feel safe . I pointed out what a good job she was doing of keeping herself safe : she 'd told Flasher to leave her alone , and when he continued to bother her she reported him to a supervisor . . She came home and slept . We 're both dragging . I pulled some Trader Joe 's chicken and spinach sausage out of the freezer for supper . I intend to spend the rest of the evening relaxing . Maybe I can avoid getting sick if I do . . . . I have hired a young woman in the congregation to help me clean and organize . She was here for 2 hours today , and we tackled the linen closet . It was an absolute disaster , and I didn 't have room for the towels I 'd brought back from Dad 's . Daughter is not going to be allowed in it anymore . She opens the door and crams whatever she doesn 't know what to do with in there . We also cleaned out 2 drawers that are a part of the linen closet . I ended up with 4 tall kitchen trash bags stuffed full of donations and 3 of trash . I found things that had been missing . I can now see what I have . C will come work with me once a week as I tackle the mess and clutter in this house piece by piece . I started with the linen closet because I knew we 'd be able to finish it , it would enable me to put some things away that were cluttering up my bedroom , and it would give me a fast victory , hopefully motivating me to continue the process . . Daughter called a little while ago . She says she 's hearing voices again , and that they are telling her to kill the family . Do I believe her ? Maybe . I know that she 's hurting . I 'm glad that I keep the knives locked up and that she sees Therapist on Wednesday . I 'll watch her tonight , but I suspect she called me because she was hurting and wanted me to take her concerns seriously . It 's a strange life I live - - Daughter tells me she 's hearing voices telling her to kill people and I ask if she has any work to do today . There was a time when I would have been extremely concerned by what she told me . That time is long past . Posted by Okay , Far Away Sister and I have PTSD . Sister was concerned this morning because Little Niece had a temperature of over 103 this morning . Sister was going to take her to the Doctor . She was concerned about strep ( Little Niece had strep a lot last year ) , or H1N1 . So we gave her a little while , and then called for a report . We called her home and her cell . Repeatedly . Over several hours . Far Away Sister sent her text messages . Repeatedly . Over several hours . . Far Away Sister was ready to start calling hospitals . Daughter told me we could go there if we needed to , and I was pondering it . Sister forgot her cell phone . The clinic took hours . Niece doesn 't have strep , and probably doesn 't have H1N1 . She 's going to be fine . So are the rest of us . After all the hospitalizations , our first thought wasn 't that Sister forgot her cell phone , but that Little Niece was desperately ill and in the hospital on a vent or something . We should have known that Sister , who is not known for her organization , just forgot her cell phone . I 'm thinking of gluing it to her hand . Posted by Today Daughter and I finally got our flu shots . There has been a shortage around here . I 'd tried several times before , but without luck . So today there was a festival at the fairgrounds , and the visiting nurses had a limited amount of vaccines they reserved for it . So , I picked Daughter up from work and took her to the fairgrounds . We got in line an hour before the clinic began , and were among the lucky ones who got our shots . . Because Daughter has type 1 diabetes , she is very high risk for the flu . I had the flu about 19 years ago , and was pretty sick . My doctor told me I had to get the vaccine every year , so I have . The only vaccine for H1N1 in our county is earmarked for health care workers . Hopefully there will be more soon , and I will be able to get it for Daughter . . I now have two people on hospice . They are also the two people in nursing homes at a distance . I 'm taking communion to one of them tomorrow . I also need to go to the hospital tomorrow . One of our men is in the hospital with heart problems , at least according to the grapevine . If I 'd heard from the family , I 'd be headed to the hospital tonight . . Daughter continues to be more reasonable since I put the name brand patch back on her . I 'll have to talk to the pharmacy to see what I need to do to make sure she doesn 't get the generic again . . We 're falling back into the routine . Much is the same - - I deal with pastoral care needs and plan worship and write newsletters . In the midst of the sameness is a difference : Mom and Dad are dead . I can 't call Dad to tell him about the special delicacy I found at the festival today . Thanksgiving is just over a month away , and there are no plans for a family celebration . My life is the same , yet it is different . Someday this will be normal , but for now it is different . Posted by Today was a much better day . I had a productive morning in the office , and then had lunch with a colleague . It was a wonderful time of sharing and discussing ministry , family , politics , and just enjoying being time together . . Daughter came home in a better mood , though she still slept when she got home . We went to a fund raiser for one of the organizations providing residential care and respite services , so all her friends were there . . She came home and did her chores with only minor protests . Today felt like a normal day . It felt like we were recovering . Posted by Daughter came home today and announced she had a broken heart . It seems that Flasher had to break their engagement today . His mother found out he was going with Daughter , and he 's not allowed to date yet . I 'd like to think this is the end of it , but I don 't think that will be the case . After all , Flasher 's mom heard about the engagement from Nice Guy , who punched Flasher in a disagreement over Daughter , resulting in Flasher being forbidden to spend time with him . I doubt the engagement will be off any longer than Nice Guy was banned . . At least Flasher 's mom knew about the engagement before it was over . Since neither of them drive , neither is able to live independently , and they have never been a real date , I think the chances of them getting married anytime soon are slim to none . . Since the engagement is off , Daughter has decided that she does belong in this family and will stay - - at least for a while . It was a much better evening , which is good , since I had a couple here for premarital counseling and one of our youth dropped by to talk to me . Daughter actually did some chores . Posted by There are a number of welcome distractions in my life right now . The plumbers were here yesterday to replace all the pipes in the ceiling to the bathroom - - including most of the drain pipes . Today I have a trustee here to begin the clean up work , and he is taking note of all the other problems in the house as well , such as the broken light switch and doorbell . He also is going to fix the back door , which doesn 't always close well . I heard what sounded suspiciously like a drip when Daughter flushed the toilet last night . He has now heard it as well , and will check it out and dry things out before closing up the ceiling . I 'm grateful . Sometimes there are advantages to living in a house owned by the church . . The other major distraction was more troubling , but ultimately much more rewarding . I heard a banging on my door this morning ( which is how I discovered that the doorbell was broken . ) My next door neighbor was standing there having a panic attack . I ushered her into my living room and found out that a detective had just brought by a photo line - up forwarded to the local sheriff 's office by the police in the community where she was raped earlier this year . We talked for a little while , and then I offered to take her to breakfast . Both of us had already eaten , and both of us went and ate large breakfasts at a restaurant in town . Once she calmed down and I reassured her that her reactions were normal and to be expected and she was doing well under difficult circumstances , we had a wonderful conversation . I heard about the most recent books she 'd read ( she 's currently seeking to read one book from every country in the world - - she 's read over 100 ) , and other things she is researching . Time with her always stimulates me intellectually . Our visit was also a welcome reminder that I have something to offer to the community , that my ministry is needed and appreciated . By the time we parted , we were both feeling much better . She has no idea of the ways in which she ministers to me . I 'm grateful . Posted by Daughter is on a catapres patch for her PTSD . Once a week I put a new patch on her back , and it has been a wonder drug for her . It slows the adrenalin that was flooding her system . Without it , she has a hair trigger . So there is now a generic available . It is about 4 times the size as the name brand . The first one stayed on less than 2 hours . The second one I covered with two huge bandages . She complained all week , but it stayed on . The third one lasted 2 days . It feel off this evening . . This evening has been challenging , to say the least . She came home and fell asleep against me . After about 90 minutes I got up and began working in the kitchen and the problems began . She is leaving . She hates this family , and always has . She is going to go live on the streets , where she belongs . I asked her to please go take a shower and that prompted a long one sided argument as she told me she didn 't have to listen to me and how awful I am . I didn 't say a word , and she continued to rant and rave at me . . She just came down and told me she took a shower . I thanked her . She then came over to lean against me . No apology . I asked her not to , and told her I was tired of her arguing with me anytime I said anything . She has gone upstairs to pout . I need to put a new patch on her , but I 'm dreading approaching her to do that . I don 't want to get yelled at again . . I had a productive day , and was feeling good about the progress I 'm making . Daughter came home and now I am exhausted . I think I have one of the name brand patches I can put on her tonight . I hope I do . Posted by We left a little after 8 : 00 this morning for Big City for an appointment Daughter had at the epilepsy clinic . The forecast for today had been for sun , but it was a gray day with scattered showers . Her appointment went well , and after they drew lots of blood , we went to a famous restaurant for lunch , and then to the zoo . It was a quiet day at the zoo , and we both enjoyed it . . I have been blowing my nose all day . I think ( hope ) it 's allergies . I considered stopping to buy some antihistamines , but decided not to take one before driving the 100 miles home . It was after 6 : o0 when we got home , and I have taken one now . Daughter was quite concerned about how I would sleep with my cpap machine with a stuffed up nose . I assured her I 'd be okay . . Sisters are concerned because I mentioned my legs were numb while I was walking around the zoo . They want me to go the doctor right away . I have an appointment at the beginning of December , and unless the problem continues or gets worse , I 'll mention it then . They both have the ability to get rather obnoxious . I don 't , of course ( heavy sarcasm ) . I 'm sure part of my problem right now is simply the aftermath of Mom and Dad 's deaths . Stress can lead to all sorts of weird health issues . . Tomorrow the plumber is coming to finish replacing the pipes in the kitchen ceiling . I 'll spend the morning in the church office . In the afternoon I get to go visit a woman who just went on hospice with congestive heart failure . I 'm not looking forward to the visit , as I 'm sure it will bring back many memories . Posted by I was a little concerned about leading worship this morning . I had everything very carefully scripted out so I wouldn 't have to fumble for words . It went well , and it was good to be back . I spoke about Dad a little in the sermon , because it fit well . One of the women commented that she was amazed I was able to do that . I warned Daughter ahead of time , and she wasn 't real thrilled , but it was what I needed to do , and she did fine . The congregation was very kind and supportive today . Another hurdle has been overcome . . We have youth group in a little while . We will be playing games and planning the Thanksgiving dinner we will share with seniors . Tomorrow Daughter has an appointment in Big City 100 miles from here tomorrow . We 're going to go to the zoo after the appointment . It should be fun . Posted by We had a concert this evening . Daughter wanted to stay home , because there was a new episode of DeGrassi . I told her the show would be repeated , the concert wouldn 't . . She always tries to convince me to leave at intermission , and tonight was no different . She did have a new reason for leaving though . She told me she was having back spasms . She sat next to me rocking in her seating and crying quietly . I was concerned , wondering what was causing the spasms and her suffering . The spasms and suffering ended as soon as the concert started back up . She loved the concert . I wasn 't as impressed . . Daughter is very much on edge . I was going to wash her hair today , but anything I said to her today brought a defiant response . I decided that it wasn 't a good day to wash her hair . I keep reminding her that I 'm not the enemy , but I continue to be the target of her frustration . Yesterday was a better day for me . I got more done and had more energy . I spent much of the day under my full spectrum floor lamp , and ordered new bulbs for it so that I will have spares when the current one burns out . I also set some small , manageable goals for myself . I accomplished those and more besides . Daughter and I worked together to clean up the living room last night . Now that the TV is in it , we spend more time in it , and it had become very cluttered . . Daughter is currently caught up in drama with friends . Flasher keeps begging her to give him another chance and promising he 's changed . He hasn 't , but she takes him back and then he does something impulsive and hurts her . As he was begging for another chance yesterday he kept interrupting her , and she 'd tell him to be quiet and let her finish what she was saying . I pointed out to her that even while he was seeking another chance , he didn 't respect her enough to let her speak . I finally told her no more phone calls yesterday . She has another guy , who happens to be Flasher 's friend who is interested in her . He seems like a Nice Guy . NG let Flasher use his cell phone to call Daughter and beg for another chance . Flasher doesn 't have phone privileges because of all the trouble he is in . NG is a victim of Flasher , too . . Daughter desperately wants a boyfriend . I wish she could be content without one . Posted by As long as my parents were alive , I didn 't really have to face my own mortality . After all , my parents were still living , I was young , I had lots of time . In some ways , I feel like I 'm the next in line , since I 'm now the oldest member of the family . Setting up a will and a charitable remainder trust for Daughter has taken on a new urgency . Selecting a guardian for her ( Far Away Sister ) has become more important . . I 'm only 4 months older than I was when Mom died , but somehow , I feel much older , much closer to death . Today I emailed a law firm that was recommended by the lawyer who wrote Mom and Dad 's will . I feel better for having done it , and hope I will have time to complete all that must be completed to protect Daughter before I die - - not of illness , but in an accident or something . . It 's a strange feeling , and a strange perspective , but somehow , a layer of protection has been removed with my parents ' death , and I feel much older and more vulnerable than I did before . I don 't fear death , but I do want to make sure that Daughter will be protected and safe should something happen to me . My concern is for her . As Far Away Sister commented this morning , my death will devastate Daughter . Far Away Sister gets it , and will see that Daughter is safe . I may feel unprotected , but I want to make sure that Daughter is protected . That has become my top priority . Posted by Today is a gray , rainy day , which matches my mood . I was going to go to City for a hospital visit , but have decided that higher priority needs to be getting ready for worship Sunday morning . I want to be well prepared for my first Sunday back , and I know that it gets harder to do the later it gets in the week . Niece , who is almost 5 , is having a very hard time . She has lost 2 grandparents and 2 pets since June . She won 't use toilet paper now , because it has a pretty pattern on it and she can 't stand to flush it down the toilet . She won 't use paper napkins for the same reason - - they are too pretty to throw away . She won 't open and eat her yogurt and apple sauce at school , because she 'd have to throw the tops in the trash . She 's also having some panic attacks . Sister has contacted hospice about grief support groups for children . In comparison , Daughter and I are doing well , but that doesn 't mean it 's easy . Cat has been very affectionate . I think he senses my grief , and is seeking to comfort me . I have a full spectrum light , and I 'm going to sit under it this afternoon as I work on worship plans . . . . Posted by Well , the grand total of my accomplishments today : 2 phone calls . Of course , I also took insulin pen needles to the workshop for Daughter ( she forgot to take some this morning to replenish the supply in the clinic and needed insulin before lunch ) . I went back a couple of hours later to take her to see Therapist . . Sister 's cat died today . Since June , she has buried Mom , Dad , Dog and Cat . This evening we watched Mama Mia together , and I cried . I needed to cry . I need to figure out worship for Sunday . We 're doing communion . We did communion at Dad 's memorial service , and I 'm not looking forward to officiating at communion this Sunday . I 'm hoping I 'll make it through without crying . Today has been a rough day . I know there will be rough days . I just hope tomorrow is better . Posted by Yesterday Daughter was in her dramatic mode . Everything was hard , she was suffering , I was asking too much of her . When she gets into this mode , I 've found it 's best to ignore her . So when she couldn 't figure out how to open the back door with the recycling from the church , I ignored her . When she announced dramatically that she had slipped and done the splits on the back porch , I was unconcerned . When I heard a crash from the kitchen / laundry room area of the house , I ignored it , figuring she 'd dropped something . I didn 't hear cries of pain , so I wasn 't going to react to what I thought was simply another dramatic flourish from her . Then I walked into the kitchen . The kitchen ceiling was on the table and floor . I called the trustee who is responsible for the parsonage . I soon had 3 trustees in my kitchen and upstairs bathroom . The supply line to the toilet had sprung a leak . You can see what my ceiling looks like in the picture above . The first plumber they called today couldn 't get here to next week . The second plumber will do a patch this evening and replace the pipes this weekend . Sometimes the noises really are problems , not just Daughter being dramatic . . . . I was getting lunch today and thought of something I wanted to tell Dad . Oh , he 's dead . Daughter called me twice in tears today , sobbing and begging me to come get her . I assured her she could make it through the day and explained that I was going to be tied up in City all afternoon with pastoral care needs . She made it through the day , and came home and fell asleep sitting up . . We both overslept this morning . I thought that since I 'm sleeping better now I wouldn 't be as tired . I was wrong . Grief is exhausting , even when it 's not overwhelming . I guess I wasn 't as ready to jump back into work as I thought . . . . . I did have a productive day today , so that 's good . Sister is addressing some of the legal things she needs to address . She is deeply underwater on her house , where she still lives with her ex - husband . Her ex - husband is facing downsizing by the end of the year . She has to figure out her legal options and how best to get out of the house without losing all her inheritance . She met with an attorney today , and Far Away Sister and I lectured her on money management after her appointment . I 'm sure she found it to be great fun . . We all are finding that dealing with this new reality carries its own challenges . Posted by Psychiatrist was impressed with how well Daughter has been coping , so she stretched the time between appointments out from 1 month to 2 months . Daughter promptly came home and fell apart . She even tried to convince me she needed to be admitted to the psych unit tonight . . I should have known better than to praise her . She was terrified . If she 's doing better , more might be expected of her . She 's not ready for more responsibility . She 's not ready to grow up . She finally pulled it together after several hours , but much of the evening had been lost . . Hopefully tomorrow will be an easier day for her . Posted by I miss my parents . I am very aware , though , that a tremendous burden has been taken from me in the healing they received through death . It is only now , that it has been lifted , that I am recognizing how hard the last few years have been . As their health declined , I found myself doing a constant juggling act . What were my responsibilities to my parents , my daughter , my siblings , my church ? Did Daughter 's need for stability take precedence over their need to have me present during a health crisis ? Could I leave my congregation in the midst of our preparation for Easter to tend to a health crisis ? What was my responsibility to Sister and Brother as they dealt with the day in and day out needs of Mom and Dad ? Was I doing enough to lessen their load ? What about me ? Did I need to be with Mom and Dad as their death approached ? Was my desire to see them more important than the stress it would have caused Daughter ? . For months I have made each appointment and set each meeting with the understanding that I might need to change it at the last minute . Hours have been eaten up in phone calls with my siblings as we struggled to assure that Mom and Dad had everything they needed . The stress on all of us and our differing perceptions of their needs and beliefs about what was best for us threatened to tear us apart . . I am grateful for every minute I spent with my parents over the last year . I have wonderful memories of time with them I will treasure always . I will remember Mom 's joy at Brother 's wedding and the huge smile on her face when she woke up in the motel with Sister , Niece , Daughter , and me . Later that day she had the seizure that was the beginning of the end for her . . I remember my last visit with Dad - - our conversation about hospice and the fact that Sister had some " strange ideas . " I remember taking him Kentucky Fried Chicken for his lunch , buying and setting up the new cordless phones for him , and sharing a beer with him . . Two stories from his final few days in the hospital : One day when he was confused and drifting Reverend Mom We all gathered for lunch today , and then Far Away Sister and her family flew home and Daughter and I drove home . We managed to fit everything into the car . Daughter was in her , " it 's all to hard and I can 't do anything mood today . " Brother - in - law rescued me when Daughter couldn 't figure out how to lift the flat screen TV into the car . When we got home I called some friends , because it was clear that Daughter wasn 't going to cooperate with me to get it in the house . It is now set up and working . It fits perfectly on my TV stand I bought several weeks ago . . I 've slept better the last few nights that I had in weeks . I 'm no longer waiting for a phone call . It was strange , though , to come home and realize that for a first time there wasn 't a parent waiting for me to call and report that we 'd made it safely home . Dad always wanted a report on traffic , road and weather conditions . When everything was unloaded and the TV was set up , I called Sister to tell her we were home . We 're all on speaking terms , which is nice . . Far Away Sister thinks she might have to come back at Thanksgiving to finish inventory and such . We got Dad 's suite cleared out Friday , but there are boxes of things at both Sister 's and Brother 's . . I think I 'll sleep well tonight . Tomorrow is my day off . Daughter has an appointment in Big City with Psychiatrist in the afternoon . I 've already heard from a woman whose mother is dying . Her parents don 't have a church , and want me to do the funeral . I 'm going to go with her to meet her father on Tuesday afternoon . I 'll have to rearrange my schedule a bit , but I 'll make it work . It will be good to get back into ministry without the distractions of the phone calls and the worries about what 's happening . It will nice to be able to make appointments without the disclaimer that I may have to cancel if a parent dies . . It 's good to be back , and it 's good to have that stress behind me . We buried Dad today . It was a nice service . I 'm exhausted . Daughter is holding up pretty well . It was great to see Cousin , who flew in yesterday and flew out today . Everyone else had plans for this afternoon / evening . Daughter and I are hanging in our motel room . I haven 't decided what we 'll do tomorrow morning . Posted by Okay , I confess , I can be a bit catty at times . Sister - in - law , who is a bit of a drama queen , seems to bring out the worst in me . Several days ago I asked Far Away Sister if she wanted to predict when SIL would have a crisis and what type of crisis it would be . I thought she 'd wait until after the memorial service , but Far Away Sister insisted it would have to be before the service for maximum impact . . This evening we were all supposed to meet at Brother 's to go through pictures and set up a display for Dad . Sister was having car trouble , so I was transporting her . I had promised to pick up Far Away Sister and Tall Niece at the airport . Brother - in - law and Nephew were coming in on a later flight and would get the rental car . . Brother called Sister . SIL 's grandma had disconnected her oxygen and was now having difficulties . SIL had gone over to take her to the hospital , but couldn 't get her in her car , so Brother was going to have to go transport her . He didn 't know how long he 'd be tied up because SIL had to go to work and he didn 't know when his mother - in - law would be able to get to the hospital . I now had 6 people needing transport and a car that holds 5 . I decided to take Sister and Little Niece to their home so I would have room to pick up Far Away Sister and Tall Niece . It would mean Far Away Sister and Tall Niece would have a bit of a wait at the airport , but it was the best solution we came up with given the limited time . . When Far Away Sister landed , I filled her in on SIL 's grandma . She thought it was hilarious , as did I . She reminded me that she had predicted that the crisis would come before the service . She was right . . Cousin is flying in tomorrow afternoon for the service . She was going to stay at Brother 's house , but after the Sisters spent some time there today , we decided that wouldn 't work . We didn 't think it was fair to inflict both SIL and the stink in his house on Cousin . We couldn 't identify the source of the odor , but it was bad . . The Sisters decided she will stay with Daughter and me in our sReverend Mom It 's 4 : 30 in the morning , and I 've been awake since 3 : 00 . I finally gave up on trying to get back to sleep ( obviously ) . I was laying here thinking about my mixed emotions as I contemplate the death of my parents . Relief is , perhaps , the surprising emotion . In other ways , it is very much to be expected . The last few years has been filled with trips to visit them and tend to their needs . I can 't count the number of times I 've made the drive to sit by a hospital bed . . The knowledge of their declining health has hung over everything I do and schedule , especially since February . I also can 't count the times I 've scheduled a meeting or an appointment and explained that I might have to cancel due to the death of a parent . So their deaths bring a sense of relief . I am no longer going to have to rearrange my schedule on short notice to come deal with their needs . Daughter and I will now have the freedom to travel without feeling like we need to come here , to visit them or tend to their needs . Their deaths brings a sense of relief , and give me a new freedom . . Their deaths also bring an overwhelming sense of grief and loss . Since I graduated from college , I 've lived in 3 different states . Throughout all moving and change , I 've had a home base because of my parents . After all of us moved out , they took my basement bedroom and made it a beautiful guest room . There were twin beds ( with excellent mattresses ) , a TV ( which Daughter loved ) , and room for our things in the closet and drawers . Daughter had a space where she could escape when being around family became too overwhelming . There was a period of time when I was between churches and I thought we might end up staying with them for a while . Fortunately , that wasn 't necessary , but I knew it was a possibility . After they moved into their independent living apartment , it got harder , but we had a couch and a recliner that were always available to us . Never did I dream I 'd be getting a motel room when I came back to my hometown . I grieve the loss of security that their home always Posted by I 'm a pastor and a mother . I was ordained in October of 1985 , and began serving this suburban congregation in October of 2010 . In March of 1990 I was asked to take an almost 3 year old " for the weekend . " Five years into the weekend I adopted her . Daughter carries a number of diagnoses : Reactive Attachment Disorder , Post - Traumatic Stress Disorder , Central Auditory Processing Disorder , Bipolar , seizure disorder , and type 1 diabetes . She moved into a group home in November of 2011 . She attends a sheltered workshop and sings in the church choir . View my complete profile Daughter became my foster child in 1990 , shortly before she turned 3 , and I adopted her when she was 8 . Capital is a state capital in the midwest . In October of 2010 I became pastor of a church on the edge of town . Administrative Assistant is my keeper . She runs the office at the church , and at heart is an artist . She helps turn my crazy ideas into reality . Program is where Daughter spends most of her days . She does some piece work and participates in some classes and activities . She 'd like to get community employment , but still has some work to do to make that possible . Sister Best Friend and I met in seminary . We vacationed together for a number of years , and then she got married . We still do some cooperative worship planning . She seves a church less than an hour away . Far Away Sister is 4 . 5 years young than me . She lives across the country . She was an electrical engineer until she stayed home to raise Tall Niece and Nephew . Now that they are graduating , she is planning to become a high school math teacher . Sister is 10 years young than me . She is divorced and the mother of Short Niece . She lives in the same state as Capital . She is a teacher . Brother is 11 1 / 2 years younger than I am . He finally got married in February of 2009 . He lives near Sister . They are the parents of Baby Nephew . Not sure where to begin . This blog has been neglected since April . I have not felt the need to write here of vomit my drama onto these pages at all . My . . . |
Thalen skidded backwards , his glowing green sword the only thing between him and a quick death at the hands of Praetor Essen . Even so , he knew death would not be quick . He had humiliated Essen . He had bloodied Essen . He had ruined all that Essen had tried to build and saved countless lives in the process . " You 've already lost , Praetor , " he growled , flexing his claws to get a better stance . The marble was softer than most people imagined , and he gained a grip with ease . " Killing me won 't win you your kingdom back . " He stood straight and flicked blood off the blade , which cast an eerie glow over the shadowy throne room . " It won 't bring your daughter back to life - " " You will never speak of her again ! " Essen lunged , Ektrakhal , the Reaver of Souls burning as it slashed . The air itself hummed with each attack , and it was all Thalen could do to get Endiel up to block . When the two struck , thunder rolled through the castle . It was a battle that would be passed down for generations , no matter who won . They had been fighting for only a few minutes , but like all battles , it felt like so much longer . The throne room was decorated by the blood and bodies of Essen 's praetorian guard , soldiers who would have been unbeatable against any other adversary . Thalen 's need was greater than theirs , however . Whether it would be great enough to finally slay Essen was not so certain . " You lowborn , dogshit BEAST ! " Essen pressed forward . " You are not worthy to speak her name - " SLASH . " To remember her - " SLASH . " To hold her in your THOUGHTS ! " His blade sang as it tried to find an opening in Thalen 's defense . All it would take is one opening … . Essen surprised him with a kick to the hip . Thalen howled and dropped to one knee , his hip feeling like it had been filled with crushed glass . He lost his grip on Endiel and it sliced into the marble floor before its inner light faded . Out of his hands , it was merely crystal again . Ektrakhal was at his throat , and Essen grinned madly , tears running down his dark and stony face . His eyes glowed red with the eldritch fires that granted him his power and his immortality . " I should have killed you the first time we met , mongrel , " he growled . Keep talking , Thalen thought . All we need is another mi - The blade dipped and slid with ease into Thalen 's chest , taking his breath from him as it did . The pain was excruciating - not just the physical agony , but the tearing and rending that began as the ancient blade began to live up to its name . Thalen could feel himself , and the souls of his fathers , drawn into the blade . His claws pistoned out and in and out again , scoring the floor , but to no avail . There was no purchase he could gain against this kind of attack . " You 're finished , mutt , " Essen whispered . Even at arm 's length , it carried . " When I 'm done with you , all your friends will find will be the mindless husk of the Wharven they once knew . Right before you kill them for me . " He twisted the blade . It didn 't speed up the process any , but it added to the pain . Thalen screamed , and it reverberated through the throne room . By the time it got back to him , however , he had turned it into a choking , rusty laugh , driven by the pain and the foreknowledge of what was to come . Though the very motion drove the blade deeper into his chest , he made himself laugh . He forced it out . He couldn 't hear Thalen 's whispered reply . The Wharven had so little breath left as it was , he could barely spare enough for a last word . " Tell me ! " Essen howled , lifting Thalen up by the blade . With terribly smooth slowness , Thalen slid down the long , crimson sword 's blade until he was only a breath away from his killer . Praetor Essen 's face froze . " No , " he said . " You 're lying . " He twisted the blade one more time , but Thalen didn 't respond . His last breath had wounded far more deeply than his crystal blade ever could have , and now he was done . Essen dropped the dead Wharven to the floor and pulled his blade out . " Hostehal ! " He stalked back to his throne , calling for this secretary . " HOSTEHAL ! ! " The room shuddered as an explosion tore through the lower levels of the tower . He ran to his throne for the Crystal Scepter , but , like the Wharven 's sward , the light had gone from it . " No , " he said again , spinning around . Crystalline lights throughout the room were blinking out , their pale energies drifting like smoke through the floor . To the Starheart . In moments , the only thing illuminating the room was the light of explosions from below , shining through the windows . Flashes of red , of indigo , of colors that he 'd never heard before , accompanied each subsequent explosion , and great chunks of marble began to crack and fall from the walls and the ceiling . He dodged one that was as big as a horse , and then another that nearly took off his head . He slid Ektrakhal into the scabbard at his side and ran to the window . A great curtain of energy was rising up the tower , burning away at its impenetrable stone walls with alarming slowness . This was what the Wharven had come up to accomplish . This is how he had won . That Nestari bitch he traveled with must have given her blood to the Starheart , forged the link . He howled and nearly put his fist through the wall , shards of stone spraying across the room . He swept back to his throne , ignoring the ceiling collapsing above him , and took the Crystal Scepter in hand . Maybe he could take it back . He reached out and caught a piece of masonry as it fell , not even glancing at it . With all his strength , he squeezed it until it split , cracking like a broken bone . Blood started to drip from his hand , and he let it fall on the scepter . By all rights , that should re - forge the link , give him the power to stop … . The crystal atop the scepter began to glow weakly . A thready , pink glow , tainted by his blood . " Yes ! " he yelled , unclenching his fist and smearing his bloody hand against the crystal . " You haven 't won ! I can still have my victory ! " The scepter exploded , shooting slivers of crystal into his face and chest . Essen screamed and dropped the scepter , clawing at his eyes . One of them was destroyed , a quivering shard jutting from it . With his other eye , he could see a spirit - form coalesce in the center of the room . It gathered unspeakable energies around it and stood twice as tall as he did . As he watched , he came to recognize her . He held a bloody and broken hand up to the figure , who stood in the center of the room unaffected by the tremors and the ongoing destruction . The ghostly entity glided over to him . " Parriel , " he said . " You live . " She took his chin in her hand and tilted his head up so as to look at his face . Her smile was sad , rueful . " Yes , father , " she said . " Through the Starheart I live . " She looked around , stood back , and looked back at him . " But you , father … . " She put her hands together in front of her , palms nearly touching . A bright and terrible light began to condense there . " You do not . " The wave of energy that had been consuming the tower burst through the floor , creating vast holes of opalescent nothingness as it rose . Essen 's screams were picked up and echoed , amplified , and then overwhelmed by the building destruction that consumed him . As he died , the Great Spire from which he ruled was utterly devastated , exploding in a rosette of unspeakable energies that was seen for many hundreds of leagues away . Throughout the kingdom , the night sky was bright , and a mad amalgam of hope and terror , freedom and agony tore across the land . Essen 's Unmade soldiers fell as the instrument of their animation was reduced to nothingness . As the wave passed , silence fell on the Southern Kingdom . Whatever had happened there was too much to speak of . Some wanted to celebrate , to bang drums and finally dance in the streets , but feared that it might be too soon . Others wanted to mourn , to cry and tear their hair , but knew that it was too late . Some paid it no mind - after all , one ruler was much like another , and in the end it didn 't matter . Others laid plans for their own ascendancy . One , a Toriian child , picked her way over the rubble of the Great Spire , her steps light but well - chosen . The white chunks of stone and marble were still flickering with otherworldly energy , but it avoided her touch . No one called out to her to stay away , to go somewhere safe , and she wouldn 't have listened if they had . She knew nothing about what kind of ruler Essen had been , or what kind of sacrifices had been made to bring him down . All she knew was that something amazing had happened here , and it was of the utmost importance that she find out what it was . Pieces of masonry rocked as she jumped from one to the other , her long legs and feathered tail giving her balance . As she reached the top of one pile , a stone shifted , revealing the leather - wrapped hilt of a sword . The wrapping looked like it had been done ages ago , by someone who had probably re - wrapped it a few times already . It was dark from where it had been gripped , and showed years of use . She grabbed it then , tugging it out from under a block of stone . As it touched the air , the slender crystalline blade burst into green incandescence , illuminating her and her whole surroundings . She stared into its light , and a grin spread up from the corners of her beaklike mouth . A beautiful day in the park . The sun was blazing , singing far overhead , and the green of all the living things threatened to overwhelm me . The sky was of a blue that called to my soul , only occasionally broken by white fluffy clouds that scraped their way from horizon to horizon . My whole family was there . Cousins , uncles , aunts , second cousins , great - aunts . All of them . The way " grandmother " pinched my cheeks , just like the real one did , and asked me why I hadn 't met any pretty girls yet . " Mrs . Berger 's granddaughter is still single , you know . " Her voice creaked in just the right way , but it was the creak of old leather and unoiled hinges . Nice . She 's said that every time I 've visited for the last year . Only the real Maw - maw would say that . But this … thing wasn 't her . And cousin Jenny . The bastards got her too . She was wearing a dress . A critical miscalculation on their part . Jenny wouldn 't have worn a dress at gunpoint , not in a million years . I can 't believe they missed that detail . I didn 't know the technology had proceeded so far , making them so good , so close to the real thing . They might fool the rest of the world , but the rest of the world doesn 't see things the way I do . They don 't know what I know . " Little Eddie ! " I felt my arm grabbed by " uncle " Phil , and it pulled me close just like its predictive algorithms probably told it to . I never liked my uncle , but the thought of how they must have tortured him to extract this kind of information from his brain just turned my stomach . " How 's college , Eddie ? You still studying , what was it , horoscopes and things ? Like they got in the newspaper ? " " That 's astrology un - uncle Phil . That 's not science . " I pulled my arm away and tried not to look for the way light machine oil had probably stained the fabric of my jacket . " I study astronomy . Stars and planets . you know . " It laughed , and it sounded like a car 's clutch right before it burned out . " Right , right , telescopes and things , right . " It slapped me on the back . " Not a lot of money in that , kid . You should 've come to work with me in the hardware store . That 's good , steady work . " Huh . Right . A " hardware store . " That 's probably what had made uncle Phil a prime target - easy access to materials to rebuild themselves . And I know what would happen if I went to that thing 's " hardware store . " They 'd be sucking my brain dry and there 'd be a copy of me wandering around , looking for someone else to convert . " I need to get something to eat , Unnnncle , " I said . " See you later . " I ducked away and went back to the barbecue at the center of this facade , this elaborate trap . They all looked at me , their soulless glassy eyes following me as I moved towards the honeypot of human food they had brought to the park with them . the sun was still shining , and it hurt my eyes . The leaves were green . Kids were playing frisbee with a dog . A father was flying a kite with his son . I took a burger from the table . I wasn 't going to eat it - god knows what those things would have put in it - but I had to keep up appearances . I couldn 't let them know that I knew . To do that would just end everything . They 'd fall on me like wolves and tear me apart for the good of their " experiment " . The last time I had seen her was high school graduation , along with everyone else I had been friends with . I had a crush on her . Hell , probably all the boys had a crush on her , how could they not ? That dark , perfect skin , with red hair that should have been out of place but wasn 't . And she was so sweet , too . She stood up for me - all the " nerds " really . She was one of the only people to treat me like I was human . It came over to me , and I couldn 't hear the gears or the motors . Must have been a newer model . Its gold - brown eyes were just as beautiful as I remembered them - more , even . It touched my shoulder and I jumped , nearly knocking everything off the picnic table . My hand reached out to catch myself before I fell . " Eddie , I know family can be stressful , but this isn 't like you . " It smiled and raised an eyebrow ( ! ) as it did so . " No , I take it back - this is exactly like you . " Even her laugh . It was so like her , so damn close . Closer than any other model I 'd seen . It looked at me , and I hated her and I loved her all at once and this thing was here and she wasn 't and I hated myself for doing nothing . The screaming confused me , they 're not supposed to scream . I had finally exposed one of them , what did they have to scream about ? I had finally exposed myself - I should be the one screaming . And I was . And frankly , making their hydraulic fluid red was just a cruel joke . I hit her again , and I could hear the scrape of stainless steel against whatever it was their skeletons were made of . I managed to get in one more before they fell on me . Their game was up , their disguises unmasked . I howled as they tried to pull me away , and I tried to get as many as I could with the fork . I think I got " cousin Scott " in the eye and " Aunt Patti " in the leg . Maybe " cousin Evan " too . I would have gotten more , but they were strong . Of course they were strong , why wouldn 't they be ? It 's their natural - HA ! - advantage . They bore me to the ground and wrenched the fork from my hand . They were saying something , but it mystery have been in some kind of machine language , because I couldn 't understand a word of it . They had me pinned , and I yelled and I laughed and I cried as the siren of their murder machine grew closer and closer . I turned my head . One of them was attempting repairs on " Rachael . " I 'm sure she 'll be up and running again in no time . " Uncle Kevin " had his face in mine , shouting in that indecipherable language of theirs . I couldn 't understand , but I knew what it was . I declaration of victory . A promise of punishment yet to come . Jacob put his pen down and pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes . Summer had finally come to his corner of rural Maine , and it was having its effect on everyone . The blackflies droned outside , and the air was humid enough to curl books . What 's more , Jacob 's students were itching to go on summer vacation and do … whatever it was teenagers in a town of two thousand people could do . Drink and have sex , probably . He picked up another paper and wished he was somewhere else . Anywhere else . " The major theim of Tom Sawyer is that you shouldn 't paint something if people asks you to becuz he probly just doesn 't want to work . " Jacob sighed and just scrawled " See me " in bright green ink across the top of the page . At this rate he was better off just berating the class as a group than seeing them individually . Clearly none of them had read the book , none of them wanted to read the book , and none of them cared enough to hide the previous two facts . There was no good reason for him to be teaching here . None . None at all . Winter Falls was an out of the way spot near the mountains in rural Maine , a town that was best known for its two feuding lumber mills and the highest rate of alcoholism in Piscataquis county . It was one of those tiny rural towns that people never escaped from , occasionally collecting newcomers and never letting them go . People like him . Him and his damned father . The pile of papers , most of them scrawled in barely - legible handwriting , glared up at his from his kitchen table . No more , he thought . Maybe if I just throw myself into Moosehead Lake with a couple of pounds of concrete … . No , that wouldn 't work . He couldn 't get out of this life that easily . There was a knock on the back door and he glanced up at the microwave . Nearly nine - thirty at night . He stood up from the folding card table he had set in the middle of his perpetually cluttered living room , squared up the essays and slid them back into a manila envelope . Maybe if I feed them to the deer . No . Not fair to the deer . Jacob opened the door . " You 'll want to be comin ' over , Jake , " Alex said without any preamble . " It 's startin ' up again . " Alex Bordeau was Jacob 's nearest neighbor - about a ten minute walk away - and the whole reason Jacob was in this town to begin with . He was in his late sixties , had lived in Winter Falls all his life , and had been good friends with Jacob 's father , which is more than Jacob could have said . He was heavyset , wore just as much plaid as Maine fashion law allowed , and knew more about this part of the state than anyone had a right to . He was the one who called Jacob when his father died , who explained why Jacob was going to have to leave his trendy Tribeca apartment , his friends , his gym membership and his job at a real school to come up to Winter Falls . To his credit , Jacob held out for at least a week , until Bordeau came down on an overnight Greyhound to convince him . And convince him he did . " Sure he was , " Jacob muttered , pouring another glass of shiraz . " I 'm sure that 's why mom stayed with him all those years , never left his side and loved him with all her heart . No , wait , " he said , shoving the cork back into the bottle . " I have that backwards . She hated him to her dying breath and made me promise never to go back to the little shit - stain town he came from . " He put the wine back into his brushed - steel refrigerator . " So it 's your word against hers , and if you think I 'm not taking my dead mother 's side on this one , you 're nuts . The only reason I would even think of going up there would be to piss on his grave , but I have better uses for my piss . " Jacob took the old man by the arm and led him towards the front door . " I think I 've heard about enough , " he said . " You can get the hell out of here and take my father with you . " Bordeau planted his feet and Jacob nearly fell over when he stopped . The old man said … something . It was a word , but it wasn 't a word . It was an idea wrapped in sound , it bypassed his ears and went straight for his brain , and the first thing Jacob did when he heard it was to throw up all over his hardwood floor . Bordeau didn 't answer right away . He walked into the living room and sat on one of Jacob 's imported sofas . He held his Red Sox cap in his hand and looked up at him . " What did you see when I said that ? " Jacob looked ruefully at the puddle of wine - colored vomit on the hardwood . That would need sanding and refinishing , he thought . But that thought flew away under the pressure of all the others . He sat next to Bordeau and too deep breaths . The old man looked at him . No pat on the back , no sounds of sympathy . How very New England . " I saw … I saw a black … . I dunno , I think it was a … a tumor . " He looked up . " That 's all I can come up with . It was huge . I could feel it in my brain , but it wasn 't there . It was somewhere else , and it was horrible . " He shuddered . " The size of worlds . And it 's in everyone . And nobody knows about it . " " Fight th ' thing . The ' tumor ' you saw . Good name for it , by th ' way . Probably as close as you 'll get to what it is . " " I can tell you more on the drive up . All you need to know now is that it killed yer father . Not the booze , and not nothin ' else . That thing . " He crumpled the cap in his hands and smoothed it back into shape . " And he went down fightin ' it . " " Wait , " Jacob said . " I 'm not going up there with you . If that thing is real , and it 's there , then I 'm not getting anywhere near it ! " " Remember what you saw , Jake . " Bordeau stood up , stood over him . He seemed like the only real thing in Jacob 's perfectly decorated apartment . " That thing is already everywhere . There ain 't nowhere you can go where it isn 't . And even there were , you couldn 't go there . You have work to do . " Jacob stood up quickly , nose - to - nose with Bordeau . " I don 't have to go anywhere . And you can 't make me . And don 't ever call me ' Jake ' again , I - " Jacob spent most of that night on the floor , curled up around a pain that he could barely describe . His dreams , what he could remember of them , were full of panic and horror . Everywhere he went there was that shiny black thing . It curled its horrible arms around the world , infiltrated every city and town and room . It wanted him , too . It sang to him in a voice that sounded the way decaying flesh smells . But where Jacob touched it , it died . It flaked away like scabrous skin and melted into the ground . And when he touched it , it screamed . And the world shook . When he woke up , Bordeau was cooking eggs and had already packed two suitcases . " Get something in you , " he said . " We have a long drive . " Jacob passed on the eggs , but called his school and told them he had to take a leave of absence to take care of what his father had left behind . They offered their full sympathy and support and told him to come back when he was ready . The sound of the party receded as Palmer and Val walked down the driveway . Val took an ostentatious pull off the beer bottle - this was suburbia , after all . The odds of a cop coming around to bust him for drinking , much less underage drinking , were slim to none . Anyway , another year and a half and he wouldn 't have to worry about that . He handed the bottle to Palmer . " Want some ? " Palmer just shook his head and ran his fingers through his dark hair . " Suit yourself . " Things got very quiet very quickly out here . Around one gently curving corner and you would never know there was a house full of college students in the drunken denouement of a party . So far there had been one pass - out , some guy who threw up in the bushes and decided to stay there for a little while , one drunken hook - up in the kitchen and a not - so - surprise break - up a little while later in the upstairs hall . It had all the drama a good party needed . Not to mention Dani from the drama club had been getting awfully familiar all night . Tequila shooters will do that to anyone , he reasoned , but she was laying it on a little thick . It was only his long history with Palmer that could have brought him away from what was probably at the very least an inebriated grope session with a girl who was hot enough to make his friends jealous . Palmer had caught him when Dani went to get more beers . They were the same age , Palmer a little younger , and they had known each other forever . He was a good - looking guy , sure - more than a couple of lingering glances were laid on him that night . Palmer 's family was from all over the place , so he was exotic - looking enough for the girls to find exciting , but not so much that their fathers would throw a fit if they brought him home . He used to joke that one day the whole country would look like him and he 'd lose his only advantage . Dani came bouncing back to them , a couple of beers in hand . " Hey there , P , " she said to Palmer . He didn 't look at her . Val nodded . " Sure , man , no problem . " He took a beer from Dani . " I 'll be back in a minute , babe . " He smiled and popped the top off the beer as they headed outside . She may have said something to him , but he didn 't hear it . Palmer looked at the ground , out into the darkness . Someone was throwing up around the corner of the house . " Let 's walk , " he said , and started for the driveway without looking back . " Val , " Palmer said , maybe a little louder than he intended to . " Do you remember that trip our families took back in junior high ? To your dad 's place on the beach ? " " Yeah , " Val said . " I remember I got a ridiculous sunburn . You made fun of me for days for that . " Palmer didn 't say anything , but Val was reasonably sure he smiled . " But , to your credit , you stayed in with me for the rest of the trip . " " Could have , yeah , " Val said . " But what kind of asshole would I be then ? You don 't do that to your friend , " he said , and put his arm around Palmer 's shoulders . Palmer flinched . Val stopped walking and turned to face him . " Okay , what 's going on ? You ask me out to talk , you don 't talk , and when you do talk you talk about shit that we did years ago . Now you 're bein ' all flinchy and weird . This isn 't you , man . " He brought the beer up for a drink . " So what 's wrong with you ? " The beer bottle was touching his lips , and would go no further . For a moment , Val thought his friend was kidding . One of those bromance jokes they did sometimes when they were drinking . But there was no joke to Palmer 's hunched shoulders , the shake in his voice , or the way he wasn 't quite meeting Val 's eyes . Looking between them , perhaps . " Shit , " Palmer said . He started to walk away , and curved back . " Shit , shit , shit . I knew that was stupid , this whole thing was stupid . I have no idea what I was thinking . " " Look , " he said , stopping in front of Val . He grabbed the bottle from his friend 's hand and drank off half of what was left . He swallowed and blinked . " That was stupid . " He turned away , handing the bottle back as he did so . For the briefest moment , Val was ready to let it drop , and only a couple of quick grabs kept it from shattering on the street . " I 'm drunk , " Palmer said . " Never mind . I never said that . Let 's go back . " " Palmer , wait . " Palmer turned around . When Val was sure he had his attention , he carefully - if a bit ungracefully - sat down on the curb and put the bottle down . He put his elbows on his knees , looked up at his friend and said , " Talk to me . " Palmer looked around , either for a place to run to or for backup to come . He had neither . He walked to Val like a lapsed Catholic going to confession , knowing what he had to say and knowing that it was probably too late to say it . He sat on the curb next to Val , crossed his legs and leaned back . Val was looking at him . The grass was wet and cold , and he couldn 't see the stars through the glare of the streetlight . Stars would have been nice . " When we were eleven , " Palmer said , " I knew I wanted to be your friend . I remember the moment . " He smiled at the memory . " Town soccer club . I was the goalie , and I was having a great day . The game was almost over when you came down the field . " " Yes you did , " Val said , picking up the bottle again . " Bastard . " That got the first chuckle he 'd heard out of Palmer all night . " After the game , you came over to me . I thought you were going to yell at me or kick my ass or something . " He looked over . " But you didn 't . You grinned and you held out a hand and said - " Val put his hand out , hesitated , and then put it on Palmer 's shoulder . This time his friend didn 't flinch . " You didn 't have to try that hard , man . Anyone who saved like that got extra credit in my book . " " But that 's the thing , " Palmer said . " I did have to try that hard . And I didn 't even know why . Not really . Not until now . " He looked at Val from the corner of his eye . " There was always … something , Val . And now I know what it is . " " I love you . " Palmer said . " That 's all there is to it . That 's all there ever was . " He took a deep breath and said it again . " I love you . " They sat there like that , on the curb under a streetlight , a respectable distance apart , for a long while . A dog barked once from a couple of streets away , and the crickets chirped from someone 's shrubbery . Palmer shifted his feet on the asphalt , and the sound was louder than it really should have been . There was no breeze , no moon . Just dark , sleeping houses , a small pool of orange light , and them , for a long while . A tall woman with frazzled black hair and a dirty overcoat flew in through the front door of the Coffee Stop and looked around . Customers glanced up from their meals or stopped their conversations to take in the crazy lady , and then casually went back to what they were doing . They kept one eye on her , though . Just in case . Her head darted back and forth as she scanned the restaurant , and she clutched a threadbare pillowcase to her chest . Whatever was inside , she was holding it like it was life itself , her thin fingers and ragged nails kneading it . As soon as she spotted Jerome , sitting near the back , she sprinted , nealy knocking plates off people 's tables as she went . His eyes snapped open . " What the hell are you doing here , Maxine ? And looking like you slept in the subway all night , what 's going on ? Does Aunt Patty know where you are ? " She swallowed hard and opened her mouth . A moment later , her hand shot out , grabbed the cola in front of Jerome and she started to drink , spilling nearly as much as she swallowed . When she finished , she dropped the glass on the table in front of him . It left a little trail of cola behind it . She took a shuddering breath . " I need you to hold this for me , Jerome . " Shaking , she held out the filthy pillowcase across the table . He shrank back from it . " You have to hold on to this for me , Jerome , " she said . " It 's very important . " Her hands trembled , but her eyes were locked on his and didn 't waver . " This is the most important thing in the world right now . You have to have it . I can 't keep it anymore . You can . " She pushed it towards him and he flinched . " Go on , " she urged . Maxine 's face lit up with a smile , one that might have been beatific if it wasn 't tinged with madness . " It 's treasure , Jerome . Treasure . " He looked at it again . " Treasure . " With one finger , he delicately tapped the object concealed in the pillowcase . " Are we talking doubloons here or something ? " He looked up . " Is this a crystal skull , Maxine ? " She shook her head . " No , " she said . " Nothing like that . That 's nothing like this . This is treasure . Real treasure . And you need to have it . " " You need to . " Maxine put the object down on the table , but still didn 't let go . Her fingers looked too thin , almost wasted , and her grip was strong . " Yeah , that doesn 't answer my question . " He was becoming aware of a smell from her . She smelled … sharp . Like dust in the desert or metal under the lathe in his grandfather 's workshop . " Maxie , " he said , " what 's wrong with you ? This isn 't like you . " He touched her hand and she flinched away . Her skin was hot and dry . " Christ , Maxie - what is going on ? " She shook for a moment . " I tried to keep it , " she said . " I wanted to hold on to it . I thought I could make it work . But I couldn 't , Jerome . I just couldn 't . " She smiled again , the smile of a mad saint . Her eyes were shining , almost silvery with tears . " So I 'm giving it to you . I know you can use it . I know you 're the right one . " With a slow finality , Maxine pulled her fingers off and left it sitting next to Jerome 's unfinished sandwich . She fell back in her seat , exhausted . " I know you 're right , Jerome , " she said . " I know you are . " Her eyes closed . " Shit , " Jerome said under his breath . He got up and moved to her side of the table to see if she was okay . " Maxine ? Maxie ? " He grabbed her shoulder and pulled back in pain . She was hot , even through the coat . He looked around to see if anyone could help , but everyone had gone back to their meal - Maxine 's craziness was too quiet to keep the audience 's attention - and what the hell was he supposed to do anyway ? Say , Excuse me , but I think my cousin here is about to spontaneously combust - can I have another glass of water ? Later , when he would finally be able to tell this story as it had happened , he would never quite be able to explain what happened to Maxine . He found it much easier to just say that she ran out of the restaurant and he never saw her again . A lie , yes , but far more believable than what actually happened . She was slumped over in the booth , heat coming off her in waves and barely breathing when she simply … popped . Like a soap bubble . She was there , then she wasn 't , and there was nothing to say she had ever been . No blood , no ashes , not a hair to mark her passage . Nothing but her treasure , sitting on the table and drawing his attention with a kind of horrible gravity . The world seemed to bend around it , to fade away behind it . The thing inside that filthy pillowcase , whatever it was , filled his vision and his mind with a kind of psychic white noise , shutting off his ability to think . Jerome snapped back in to the world . The waitress held a pot of coffee and the check . She glanced at the thing on the table and wrinkled her nose . " Another cup of coffee for you ? " " N - no , " Jerome said . He reached for the check and pulled out his wallet . " No , thank you . I 'm fine . " He handed her a couple of bills . " Keep it , " he said . Jerome reached across the table , stopping just short of touching the thing Maxine had left him . It had killed her , he was pretty sure of that . And she wanted him to have it . But it killed her . It was her smile . Yes , it was crazy . Yes , it looked like the kind of smile you backed away from slowly . But there was joy in that smile - he had seen it . And that was enough to lend curiosity victory over caution . He picked up the object . It was a little soft , yielding . And warm . His skin shuddered when he touched it , and the cafe suddenly seemed brighter . Noisier . That sharp metallic smell overwhelmed him and he wondered why his nose didn 't bleed . Gotta go , he thought . He reached over to the other side of the table and grabbed his jacket . Wrapping the jacket around Maxine 's treasure , he left the cafe - head down , quick pace . Take a deep breath and hold it , then exhale . Take a deep breath and hold it . Then exhale . Take a deep breath . Hold . Exhale . No . Let it pass . Like leaves on a stream . Like dust in the wind , that 's all we are is dust - NO . No . Heh . " SOH - crates . " That was a funny movie . Better than anything Keanu has done since . Dust in the wind . Wonder whatever happened to the other guy ? Okay . Ignore it , it 's not there . It 's not itching . There is no itch , there is no leg . I 'm perfectly at peace . I am one with the universe and everything in it . I am an entity of light and spirit , and entities of light and spirit do not have itchy knees . " Why that 's a BRILLIANT idea , Mr . Newcombe ! Let 's hire five new marketing guys ! For a product that doesn 't exist yet ! That we don 't know how to build ! Oh , you 're sooooo smart , can I learn from you , Mr . Newcombe ? I can do anything for you , Mr . Newcombe ! Let be help you with that belt buckle . " What 's peace of mind supposed to get me , anyway ? Will it fix the tranny on the car ? Will it make Jayden stop hanging out with those greaseball friends of his ? Will it repair the horrible mess I 've made of my life and the flaky friends and the ex - wife and the dead - eyed zombies that I call my co - workers , will it help with that ? Huh ? Will breathing do anything to get me in the pants of that girl who works in Sales , the one with the short skirts and that … . Huh ? Will it ? Man , this is a fraud . This sucks . This has got to be the dumbest thing I have EVER - " It 's been a long time since you were here , Eleanor , " Aswell said from behind his vast oak desk . The man 's voice was a croak , the sound of something that should have died years ago . Despite the natural fastidiousness of his position , he had always looked a mess - ill - fitting clothes and an ever - expanding frizz of hair that threatened to fly off his head . Elli 's father had bought him a tailored wardrobe and the best stylist money could buy , but they didn 't last . His return to form was as inevitable as the tides , as gravity . " Really ? " Elli snorted . " I 'm surprised he remembers who I am . This is the first I 've heard from him since My Divorce . " She took special pains with the words , knowing what they meant to her father . Elli ground her teeth and tried very hard not to clutch her bag to her chest . " Yes I do , " she growled . Her hands itched to open the bag , to grab the gun and to just finish it all now . She could do it . She was pretty sure she could . Aswell , her father , anyone else in her way . And it had to be done . He had lied to her for the last time . He had interfered in her life for the last time . He had - She looked up . Aswell was standing in front of her , one hand outstretched . She hadn 't heard him move . He was lit from behind by the last rays of the sun , and his hair made a halo around his head . " Give me the gun , Elli , or I 'll have my men take it from you . " She glanced aside and saw the anonymous man - mountains who always seemed to be on guard . When did he call them ? His fingers wiggled . " The gun , Elli . These are not nice men . " Aswell pursed his lips and then snapped his fingers . One of the cyclopean men glided over and snatched her bag with a fist the size of her head . The man gave it to Aswell , who deftly undid the straps . He looked in and one of his eyebrows twitched . He showed the inside of the bag to the guard , who made a noise like a continent shifting . " A Desert Eagle ? " Aswell asked . " Fifty caliber ? " He pulled the gun out of the bag , and it looked entirely wrong in his delicate hands . " My dear , the recoil alone would break your wrists . Why on earth would you buy a gun like this ? " Aswell handed the gun to the guard . In that man 's hands , the gun looked almost normal . " Well , it wasn 't . " Aswell wiped his hands on his trousers and went around to his desk . The guards didn 't move . " You 'll just have to come up with some other ridiculously impractical and unnecessary show of defiance . " A buzzer sounded , and the great mahogany doors swung open . " Your father wants to see you . " Elli stood . She wanted to smooth out her skirt , to run her fingers through her hair , to crack her knuckles . She wanted to jump on the giant holding her gun and somehow wrestle it from his grip . She wanted to rain blows on his head and make him mad . She wanted to scream , to cry , to fall on the floor and sob . |
I have a new problem . . I feel like my characters ( Josh and Elizabeth ) are falling in love too quickly , but I don 't know what to do to prevent this . Help ? ? Leave comments . . . Please and thank you ! ! I have a new problem . . I feel like my characters ( Josh and Elizabeth ) are falling in love too quickly , but I don 't know what to do to prevent this . Help ? ? Leave comments . . . Please and thank you ! ! Here 's part of something that I am working on . . Comments anyone ? ? Please and Thank You ! ! " He then proceeded to sexually abuse me . He would bring in his girlfriends and they would force me to have sex with them ; then he 'd force me to do it with him , which was disgusting . " Poor Josh ! I couldn 't believe the type of things his father did to him . " Every few days I would be lying in the Emergency Room at the local hospital waiting for cat scans and x - rays to come back . My father had insurance , so I never had to pay for treatment . The doctors , however , were suspicious of my new injuries that I came in with every few days , but I kept my mouth shut . I was afraid that if I told someone what was happening at home my father would hurt me more . " As the months passed , my father became more violent . He hit me more , but he also started using things like baseball bats and knives . He would cut my wrists and he would squeeze them to make more blood flow from the wounds ; the cuts would bleed for hours after my father was finished with me . His girlfriends and he kept up with the sexual abuse too . " After my father would leave for his eighteen hour days at the factory , I would go to another Emergency Room across town from the one I went to in the beginning , and there the doctors would give me transfusions . After a few days of me coming in with cut wrists and almost half my blood gone from my body , the doctors concluded that I was doing this to myself for attention and they admitted me to the psychiatric ward for a total of ten days . " I didn 't mind being in the hospital as much as I thought I would . I got good meals and someone was always there to keep me company . I was also away from my father and his abuse ; I didn 't even bother to call him to tell him where I was . I was finally safe , for a while anyway . " Ten days came and went . I was released from the hospital and very reluctant to go home , but I didn 't have a choice . I knew that my father was going to be so pissed at me and that he was going to hurt me like he never hurt me before . I was right . " He stopped as he gagged again ; I hurried to the trash can and shoved it under his mouth just as he vomited up his breakfast . He was very upset , that much was clear . " Josh , you can stop now . I get it . He hurt you . " I wiped his face with a wash cloth . The cool water seem to have a calming effect on him . " I understand , Josh , " but he continued on with his story as if he didn 't hear me ; he was in that house with his father again . He was reliving his tragic past . " The minute I walked through the door my father started chasing me with a knife . I knew that he was going to kill me . I kept outsmarting him for a while but I made one wrong move and my father cornered me . He began to stab me repeatedly in my chest and my legs . " Josh came back to the present suddenly ; he lifted up his shirt to show me the scars on his chest left by his father 's hatred . " Then when my father thought that I was done for , he left while I was on the floor gasping for breath as I vomited up blood . When he walked out of the front door , the police were waiting for him . They took him to custody and he was eventually booked on charges of child abuse , physically , emotionally , and sexually , because I was a minor and attempted murder . He was found guilty for all charges as were all of his various girlfriends who had sexually abused me . " The paramedics came in and took me to the hospital where I remained in the intensive care unit for four weeks , or a month ; however you want to look at it . Regardless , I recovered in the hospital for a total of two months , my stay in the intensive care plus my stay in the regular part of the hospital . I was released in the month of May to my grandmother , my father 's mother who I had never known growing up , who lived in Los Angeles . " Josh turned to look at me then . His big , baby blue eyes were filled with tears again as he laid his head against my chest . I wrapped my arms around him and held him tightly to me because there were no words that I could say to make him feel better because I had been there ; nothing can make a person who lived with an abusive parent feel better . " Josh , " I whispered . " I know how you feel . " " You can 't possibly know how I feel , Elizabeth . " " I do , Josh . My mother abused me , too . " " Elizabeth ! Is that your way of joking about this ? " he asked . " No , Josh . " I lifted up my shirt to show Josh the scars on my own stomach made there by my mother some years ago . Posted by I never really thought that any of this was possible , or if I did , somewhere in my subconscious , I never thought that it could happen to a village girl like me . Now that I was faced with death , and the death of the only guy I ever truly loved , I realized that it was inevitable ; not only that but that my freakish nightmares of the past few months were warning me that this would be our fate . I would die beside the guy that I loved and that our deaths would be slow and painful . My life had changed forever because of him . Before him , I just felt like I was going to cave in on myself . I felt like I was going to lose myself forever and that my world was going to come crashing around me without anything to stop it . The feeling of helplessness was so unbearable and I could not find any way out ; there was one way , which was unthinkable , but I considered it . I knew how bad it would hurt my family and the few friends I had but at the time I thought it was the only way out . It was like this for a long time until he came into my life and changed it forever . I turned to look at him then . He smiled that smile that I loved so much , and even in the face of death , it lit up his whole face and reached all the way up to his eyes . " I love you , " he whispered . " I will love you forever . " " I love you , too , " I replied . " Forever . " Then he took my hand and we turned to face out fate together knowing that this would see each other in this life . Our lives , which had blended so well together , on earth , were over . Posted by My mistress ' eyes are nothing like the sun ; Coral is far more red than her lips ' red ; If snow be white , why then her breasts are dun ; If hairs be wires , black wires grow on her head . I have seen roses damask 'd , red and white , But no such roses see I in her cheeks ; And in some perfumes is there more delight Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks . I love to hear her speak , yet well I know That music hath a far more pleasing sound ; I grant I never saw a goddess go ; My mistress , when she walks , treads on the ground : And yet , by heaven , I think my love as rare As any she belied with false compare . source : http : / / www . shakespeare - online . com / sonnets / 130 . html Another excerpt . . Enjoy ! ! " So how bad is he ? " Chloe asked me . Chloe had been there when Josh got hurt . In fact if it weren 't for her talking to Josh and keeping him awake until we reached the hospital , Josh would probably be in a lot worse condition than he was now . " Well , you know that when he fell he took most of the impact on his back and when he moved himself into my lap , he messed his back up worse . There is a good chance that Josh will never walk again . " I had to stop to try to swallow back the bile that was coming up from my stomach . " He also broke both of his arms and legs , but they should heal . He has some broken ribs and his pelvis is broken . He had to be catheterized so he can use the restroom . " I stopped again , but this time I was fighting the urge to cry and I didn 't want to cry anymore . " His condition is not improving . He sleeps most of the day and when he is not sleeping , he moans in pain . He is in a lot of pain , so he is heavily medicated . " " Is he awake right now ? " she asked me with her eyes full of concern . " When I left his room to come meet you , he wasn 't . He may have woken up since then though . " " Is there anything else that I should know before I go in ? " " Yes , there is . His hair had to be completely shaved off of his face and head so the doctors could treat the wounds that Josh had there . It might be a little shocking at first , but he is still Josh , in body and in his mind . He 's just not all there now , but the doctors said that he would probably recover from that . " In my head I silently added , so they hope . But hope can only bring someone so far and I am past the point of hoping for Josh to get better . Josh needs a miracle to get better now . " Ok , well I guess I 'll go in now . I hope that I can handle it , " Chloe said as she turned the knob to open the door that led to Josh 's room . I didn 't dare follow Chloe into Josh 's room , for fear of what her face would look like when she actually saw with her own eyes how bad Josh 's condition was . That 's when I heard Josh 's scream . " Josh , what 's wrong ! " I screamed as I ran into his room . " Are you ok ? Josh , answer me ! " " He 's here ! He 's here ! " Josh was shouting as I ran back into the room . " Who 's here , Josh ? ! " Chloe was standing over him with his grandmother on the other side of him . " Tell me who 's here , Josh , " his grandmother said pointedly . " Tell me . " His face went pale , his eyes rolled back in his head , and he began to shake ever so slightly . " Josh ! " Chloe screamed , tears running down her face . " I can 't stay here ; I have to go , " and Chloe was gone . " He 's here in this room ! " Josh was still screaming as he came to again . " Josh , look at me , " I said . I felt very protective of him in that instant . Something was very wrong with Josh ; it was like someone had taken over his whole body . Every inch of his body was shaking uncontrollably now and tears were flowing down his cheeks . " Josh , who is in this room ? " I could feel the fear in his thoughts . I used my newfound abilities to search every nook and cranny of Josh 's room to find the source of his distress , but everything was quite within the room besides Josh 's constant screams . I decided then to use my abilities to check within Josh conscious to try to find the possible cause of his stress when a nurse with long , curly blond hair appeared in the doorway carrying a syringe full of medication . She glided over to Josh 's bed and took his arm , the one with the tubes , and stuck the syringe into the tube , ejected the medication and walked away without saying a word . Josh 's body and screams began to work almost immediately as the medication made its way through Josh 's body . " Elizabeth , I 'm scared , " he whispered . " I know , Josh . I am , too . " I reached down to wipe his tears away . He smiled up at me as his eyelids began to droop closed . " I love you , Elizabeth . " " I love you , too . " I pulled the covers over Josh . " Just rest now , Josh . Everything is ok now , " I said a little too late because Josh was already asleep with his hands across his chest . Posted by Here is an excerpt . . Enjoy ! ! Josh fell . He fell over a hundred feet to the ground and landed with a thud . Even the pad that they had set up for such an event did not ease the impact of his fall . Everything started happening at once after that . People started screaming , crying at the site of Josh 's mangled body , but mostly they were running to where Josh laid . He was sprawled out on the ground , arms raised up over his head . His eyes were closed , his lips parted slightly , like he was trying to hold back a scream . I slowly sat down beside Josh and I took his limp hand in mine . I squeezed it and he began to open his eyes . A gasp swept through the already forming crowd around us . Josh started to look around the group that had started to form around us , however his gaze stopped on me . He held it there for what seemed like forever , but it was only a couple of seconds . Then he started trying to sit up , which sent another gasp through the crowd . " Josh don 't move ! " someone behind me shouted . " Don 't move ! You 'll hurt yourself more ! " another person shouted . " Josh ! Lay still ! If you hurt your back , you will hurt it worse by moving around so much . Just lay still , honey . Help is coming ! " Josh 's grandmother was telling him on his other side . He did as he was told . Big , fat tears began streaming down his pretty boy face ; he was in pain . He wanted to be comforted by me . He wanted me to tell him that everything was going to be ok , but I couldn 't . I began to wipe the tears away from his big , baby blue eyes . " Shh , it 's ok Josh . I 'm here . I 'm here . " He looked up at me and smiled . I smiled back and I felt my motherly instincts kick in . " Josh , " I whispered , " Don 't go to sleep . Do you hear me ? You have to stay awake . Do not go to sleep . You have to stay awake . " I began to stroke the side of his neck . " Stay with me Josh ! Don 't let go ! " I needed someone to talk to Josh , to keep him from going to sleep . I knew my voice was going to end up giving me away if I kept talking to Josh . I needed someone else to do it . That 's when I noticed one of his co - stars standing close to us . I looked straight at her and she understood at once what I needed her to do . " Josh , talk to me . Can you talk to me ? " Chloe began to talk to Josh , who was crying in pain and sitting against me . " Look at me , Josh . Can you tell me your name ? What is your name ? Can you tell me your name ? " I had to give Chloe her props ; she kept talking even though she wasn 't getting any response from Josh . He was just staring at her , with tears running down his pretty boy face , like he didn 't even know who she was . " Josh , please stay with me . Keep your eyes open ; do not close your eyes , " I said quPosted by No time to post in the past few days , been super busy ! ! ( Not even picture to give ya 'll . . ) I 'll post something soon though , I promise ! ! Night all ! ! I never knew that one guy would be able to change my life so much in just one ten - minute conversation , but he did and my life was never the same again . The day started out normal enough . I had arrived in New York early that week . I walked into a local café to get myself a bite to eat and that 's when I saw him . He was sitting on a bar stool , eating a hamburger of all things . I knew who he was right away . " May I help you ? " the hostess asked me . " Table for one , " I told her , only paying half attention to what was going on around me . All that mattered to me was the handsome guy eating the hamburger . I was so dazed that I didn 't notice the wet floor sign , which I tripped over , which was not a surprise because I hadn 't been paying attention to where I was walking , and fell flat on my face . Everyone around me started laughing at me , including the hostess . Well , I might as well just lay here since I can 't feel my legs , I thought to myself , but that didn 't make any sense because there was no pain . I started struggling to get up , which made my audience laugh even harder . " Here , let me help you , " he said , giving me his hand and pulling me up . " Thanks for the help . You cannot imagine how stupid I feel right now . " My face was starting to blush ; I could feel it . " Well thanks for the help , " I said as I turned to walk away . " Why don 't you join me for lunch ? I could use the company , " he said with a smile that reached all the way up to his eyes and lit up his whole face . " Please ? I won 't hurt you . " " Well , ok . I guess it won 't hurt , " I said with a fake smile planted on my face , a smile that I hope he bought . He took my hand and led me to the place where he had been when I entered the café . " So , what 's your name ? " he asked me curiously , picking at his burger . " Elizabeth . " " That 's a pretty name for a pretty girl , " he said with the same grin that he had when he asked me to have lunch with him . " Was that supposed to be a pick up line ? If so , it was lame and you should t " There is no need for me to do that . I know exactly who you are . " " Oh , do you ? " " Yes , I do . " " So , what is my name ? " " I would tell you , but I am thinking that you trying to hide yourself , or you wouldn 't be wearing that outfit . " " Your very smart , Elizabeth . " " Well , thank you . " " You are welcome . " " The truth is that the paparazzi and my fans follow me everywhere , so when I go out without my body guard , I wear a disguise so I won 't be hassled . " " You 're very smart , too . I would have never thought of that idea if I was you . " I returned his smile . " In fact , I would probably just hold up in my house and never leave . " " Which is exactly why I go out incognito . I would never want to have a life where I couldn 't leave my house . I would rather be chased for miles than never leave my house . " " I really don 't blame you . That would be a very tragic life to live that way . " " Yes , it would be . " The smile that he had plastered on his face began to diminish in the silence . The silence lasted for a long time , neither of us wanting to break it . I was waiting for him to break it and he was waiting for me to break it . Eventually the silence got the best of him , and he broke it . " So what brings you to New York , Elizabeth ? " " Just traveling , seeing the sights . You know just getting some alone time away from the family ? " " Why did you leave your family behind ? Were they that bad ? " " Why does it matter to you ? " I really didn 't feel comfortable with telling this guy all my secrets , even if I was starting to loosen up with him , when I had only known him for a few minutes . I was always a slight bit shy and I never did like to meet new people . " I was just wondering . There is no reason to get testy , Elizabeth . " The door to the café opened then , and a hundred or so screaming girls ran in . " Oh my gosh , it 's really him . It 's Josh ! " one screamed . " Great ! I thought they would never find me , but I was wrong , " Josh was already up and heading towards the door . " Nice to meet you , Elizabeth . " Josh ran out of the door and was gone . " That poor boy . He never gets a break from the limelight , " the waitress behind the counter said . " Do you need anything , hun ? " " Yea . I would like a milkshake , a strawberry one , please . Also , can you bring me Josh 's check if he didn 't pay ? " " Sure thing , hun . " She smiled at me and walked away . She retrieved both my milkshake and Josh 's check . " Don 't get your hopes up about dating that boy . Almost every girl is in love with him and the chances of him actually falling for you are slim to none . " The waitress had a sympathetic look in her eyes . " Just don 't waste your time . " She walked away again . I never planned on dating Josh . I was just had lunch with the guy ; that was all there was . I knew that he would never fall for me if I did ever see him again , and the chances of me actually seeing him again were zero to none . But if was being honest with myself , something that I have always had problems with , I would have to admit that I did want to see him again . He seemed like a nice enough guy that I could just be friends with , that much was certain . I would also have to admit to myself that I was attracted to him , both physically and emotionally . I was beginning to have a war with myself . There was a part of me that kept saying that Josh was going to be mine . We were going to be together forever and nothing was going to change that . The other side of my brain , the more logical side , was telling me that I was never going to see Josh again and that I might as well forget it . When it came down to it , I felt a deep connection to this guy who I hardly knew . I knew who he was and what he did for a living ; I knew that some of his roles involved him kissing other girls , but that didn 't really bother me . What bothered me was that I had only known t ( END ) This is my favorite chapter that I have written for my novel . . Hope ya 'll enjoy it ! ! Chapter 6August 21stDear Diary , Josh has been troubled since we have reached our most recent destination , Denver . I cannot tell you how I know that he is troubled , but he is giving off really bad vibes from his subconscious , like there is a memory that he is trying not to remember . I can feel the pain and tension that is radiating off of him from a few miles away . I still don 't know how I can do that now when I couldn 't before we reached Tampa . The bite mark that appeared on my arm about two weeks ago has started to heal . I have no idea how I got it , but I do remember having a nightmare that night , a nightmare that prevented me from sleeping well for at least a week afterwards . I am afraid that if I write my nightmare down , I will have the nightmare again ; however if I do not write it down , it will haunt me forever . Josh 's screams will haunt me forever anyways , so I might as well take the chance . It all started the first night that Josh and I arrived in Tampa , Florida . We rented a room together , because the hotel only had one left , and I turned in early so we could go sightseeing the next day . The next thing I knew , I woke up screaming , but a pillow muffled my screams . Josh groaned in his sleep next to me and rolled over , but never woke up . I went out to the balcony to try to sort everything out . The dream , which turned into a nightmare , started out innocently enough . Josh and I were walking down the beach hand in hand , laughing and cutting up . We were having a great time , just being together , when my dream changed . We were running through a forest now , being chased by a black hooded killer . He had no face , but his fingers were long and slender , like the hand of a creature of the dark . I remember a word being whispered through the trees , like the lyrics of a haunting song . " Vampire , " the trees sang . " Vampire , vampire , vampire . " " Josh , do you hear that ? " I asked him as he pulled me through the trees . Suddenly he stopRandomlocity Again no time to blog today . Cleaned my room and went on a date with my boyfriend . Going to bed in the next few minutes , so I can get up at the butt crack of dawn to go to school . Night all ! ! Source : http : / / 4 . bp . blogspot . com / _ ONnmmM7KyZE / SK4XkDi3byI / AAAAAAAAB2Y / 2RYZUYf0BQo / s400 / 1202036008 _ 1201985363 _ volcano - sunset - guatemala . jpg I happend across this chapter the other day while looking through some old notebooks . I figured i would share it with ya 'll ! Enjoy ! ( author 's note : listen to Robert Pattinson 's " I was Broken " and / or " Let Me Sign " while reading , to add some deepness to the words . @ http : / / www . robert - pattinson . co . uk / music / ) " It 's been three months since his accident . His condition has not changed at all , meaning he is not any worse , but he is not any better . We are concerned that there is nothing left for us to do . " " You are suggesting that we pull the plug on my grandson ! You want him to die ! " Josh 's grandmother was beyond a normal state now . She had collapsed to the floor and was sobbing uncontrollably . " He is all I have left ! You cannot let him die ! " " He may not die off life support . He may make it . It depends on how strong his body is . He may be able to support himself . We just don 't know . " The doctor helped Josh 's grandmother off the floor and helped her over to a chair . His eyes were very grim , even through his hopeful demeanor . " I will let you think about it and then come back for your decision . But think about this , you are not doing Josh any good by leaving him on life support . The longer he stays on it , the less of a chance he has of surviving off of it . It is , like I said before , your choice , " he smiled at her . " I 'll be back . " The doctor turned to walk out of the room , leaving us alone with Josh . I turned to look at him , but stopped myself . It hurt me to look at him so pale and still in the bed . He had been so full of life , so vibrant . Now , he was so lifeless ; there was just his body , with no spirit . To me , Josh was already dead . Posted by Just so ya 'll know , you have to be logged in to a Google account in order to leave comments on a blog . . You can be logged in under your Gmail account . . ( or under any other Google account ) So now that ya 'll know , comments would be great . . Thanks ! Posted by Everyone , here is the first rough draft chapter of my novel . . there may be some spelling mistakes and a few grammer mistakes , so just bear with me . . Enjoy ! ! It all started with an idea ; an idea to find myself . I was on the road , just me and myself . The wide - open road was the only thing I knew and I had no limits . I was free and alone , and I was content . I never really fit in anywhere . I was a loner , even in my own home . My mother and I always fought , and my father was just oblivious to the bad vibes that went on . I came from a small town just outside of Philadelphia , a town that is so small that anyone who lives outside of the crop limit has never heard of it . It is an old , crappy little town dating back to the turn of the century ; I am not really sure of the correct year that this town was founded . People have a good reason not to have ever heard of this place because nothing ever happens here . There are no big radio stations or television stations , no big malls or museums , not even a hotel . No one ever comes here to see the sites or to tour the town ( not that there are any sites to see ) . The biggest thing that has ever happened here is the rumor that the chief of the police department was accused of stealing money . Everyone was all excited that something big was happening in this God forsaken town ; someone even had a party to celebrate . The chief was taken to court and charged with embezzling over one hundred thousand dollars from the police department . Of course , to everyone 's disappointed , the accusations turned out to be false , just a rumor going wild and traveling fast ( which always happens in a small town like this ) , which just goes to show how boring this town really is . Even the biggest scandal to hit this town got bored and ran away , leaving the old ladies in the local hair salon nothing to gossip about while they got their hair done . On top of everything else , everything in this town is as old as freaking dirt . I mean , these buildings were built during the turn of the century , when the town was foundedRandomlocity Here is a rough copy of the first two pages ! ! Preface Every great story has a beginning and this is mine . I really guess I can say that this is the beginning of the end , the end of everything . I never really thought that any of this was possible or if I did , somewhere in my subconscious , I never thought it would happen to me in this small crappy town that I called home . Now that I was faced with my death and the death of the only guy that I have ever truly loved I realized that this was inevitable . Not only did I realize this , but also that my freakish nightmares of the past few months were warning me that this was going to be my fate ; I would die beside the love of my life , and that this death would be slow and painful . My life had changed forever because of him . Before him , I just felt like I was going to cave in on myself . I felt like I was going to lose myself forever and that my world was going to come crashing down around me without anything to stop it . The feeling of helplessness was so unbearable and I could not find anyway out , there was one way , which was unthinkable , but I considered it . I knew how bad it would hurt my friends and family , but at the time I thought it was the only way . It was like this for a long time until he came into my life and changed it forever . I turned to look at him at the exact same time he turned to look at me . He smiled the smile that I loved so much , and even in the face of death it reached all the way up to his eyes ; his face was totally lit up . " I love you , " he whispered . " I will love you forever . " " I love you , too . " I replied . " Forever . " Then he took my hand and we turned to face our fate together knowing that this would be the last time that we would see each other in this life . Our lives , at least on earth , were over . So I have a problem . . ShouldI kill off Josh ( character in book ) or not ? ? If I kill him off , it will make the book longer and if not the book will be shorter . I have a chance to do it now , because of the way the last chapter ( that has been written ) is , but I don 't know if I have the guts to take Josh away from Elizabeth like that . ( I mean I got mad when Edward left Bella in New Moon , so you know , I am a romantic person ! ) It just seems like a cruel way to go . . being killed by your girlfriend that you just found out was turned into a vampire by your psycho , vampire father . Any thoughts ? ? Please and thank you ! ! = ) Posted by Okay . . so i am just going to lay it straight now . . I am an aspiring author and I created this blog so my friends and others can weigh in on how the story might progress . . Check in often to get the latest in Josh and Elizabeth 's relationship . . ttyl . . = ) |
Wow , to be a bird . Just lift those wings , baby , and you 're off ! What a treat to watch birds fly . I 've seen seagulls on the beach , 20 - 30 of them , while I watched , it was as if they were having a contest on the sand . Three or four of them would fly up at a time and hover over the others at about five feet above the sand , without moving their position in any way , including their wings , except to adjust for the oncoming , heavy wind . The first group would stay up in the air for about three minutes , land in their places and then the next group of five or so birds got up and did the same thing . It was fascinating to watch this orchestrated show of flying ability . I love to fly . I must admit , I get a little nervous on any plane , but the thrill of seeing the earth from such a different perspective soon takes over and then relaxes me . I 've sometimes been in places , like we 've all been , that I 'd have loved to have sprouted wings and just flown away . Angels fly , love has wings and she needs to fly , according to Madonna . I must admit that it is fascinating to watch any birds that are happy and healthy , whether they are flying free , or getting scratched on the beak . I bought my first bird over 20 years ago . A sweet little parakeet , Petey . I loved that little bird so much . He flew around my apartment , even landing in my German Shepherd 's mouth , the dog 's teeth breaking the skin , as well as a wing , but that little bird survived to fly another day and sing and whistle with me . For some reason , when my then husband was transferred to a new base , we were not allowed to take my little bird , or my many plants . I gave my little cutie pie to my best friend , a wonderful gal who loved Petey already . When Petey went to her house , he refused the same meals he 'd been eating for two years . Ten days later he died . My friend called me crying , saying how sorry she was , I knew it wasn 't her fault . Being in a totally new place and chapter in my life , I went on without a bird until about 8 years later . I divorced and lived in my own home with my three year old daughter , and our little Pekingnese Dog , Tasha . Almost immediately , we went to a store and bought little Gabby , a maroon - bellied conure . People loved to see us together , we would go to the beach ; the bird on my shoulder , my daughter holding little Tasha 's leash . Gabby would scream , " Momma , Momma , wait ! " just like my little daughter , when I 'd tell her I was leaving . We were definitely a happy sight . It was as if we made our family bigger with our pets , and that was how we felt . Eventually , I met the man I would marry . Naturally , he has asthma . We tried living with the dog and the bird outside on the screened porch . But , my little pets couldn 't understand how they could go from being sitting on my shoulder and lap , to sitting on the porch . They would only sit and cry and stare at us inside . It broke my heart , and I decided that I had to find good homes for them . I did . My mother had a friend who had a small boy , about my daughter 's age . When I left Tasha with her new family , she was so busy getting chased around the living room by her new big brother , that she never even saw me go . My bird , however , was another story . I cried and cried that my little shoulder girl had to go , but my new life wasn 't able to contain a bird who could seriously affect my soon - to - be husband . A friend of mine had a daughter that was 18 . I 'd known her for some years , she would come over and play with Gabby and claimed she would love her and take great care of her . This was way back in 1987 , when there wasn 't much talk about pet bird behavior ! Gabby called for me all the while I was leaving . " Momma , Momma , wait ! " I cried all the way home . Two years went by . I was married now , we had moved to Miami Beach and lived in a rather large home . I went back to Palm Beach to see my family , and when I saw the friend whose daughter had taken Gabby , she asked if I 'd like to see the bird . Of course , I was delighted to see how my little green girl was fairing in her new home . I walked in the front door of the home and said , " Hello , Helen , " to the woman who answered . Instantly , from around the corner we all heard a fever pitched voice screaming , " Momma , Momma , Momma , MOMMA ! " I couldn 't believe she could know it was me , but my friends confirmed that she 'd never done that before . I walked around the corner and saw my little green baby girl completely bare . Her little pink belly stuck out smooth all over , like there had never even been feathers there . Her head was still green and she was still screaming , " Momma , Momma . " I picked her up out of the cage and looked at my friend and said , " I 'm sorry , but I must take this bird back home with me . " They easily agreed to give me back my bird . I got into my car and called my very understanding husband , and said , " Honey , I don 't know what I 'm going to do with her , but I 've got Gabby in my car and I 'm bringing her home . " He agreed that I 'd done the right thing and Gabby came to Miami Beach . Within three months my beautiful bird was fully feathered and singing and talking like she 'd always been . My husband fell in love with her and decided he needed his own bird because Gabby was so enamored of me . She didn 't seem to bother his asthma . So , we went to a store and bought an African Grey Parrot , and my husband named him Zutar . At that time , more than ten years ago , I didn 't know how to clip the bird 's wings , but from my Psychology studies in college , I 'd experienced animal intelligence . I started teaching the birds to pick up plastic toy baby keys and bring them to me . One day Gabby was just about to bring me a little red key , when she looked me in the eye , lifted her wings and flew a circle around the pool and headed east . It was the last I ever saw of my sweet little baby bird . I blamed myself for not knowing how to clip my bird 's wings , and blamed the vet , who claimed he knew what he was doing , certainly not a vet I ever used again . Zutar was very lonely without Gabby to play with while we worked . I had always put the birds side by side in their large cages with lots to do to and see , to keep from being bored , and allowed them out to play the instant we were home . The birds stayed downstairs in our huge home and the marble floor allowed for easy cleanup and seemed not to bother my asthmatic husband . We ended up going to the store again and bought a Moluccan Cockatoo , that I named Kharma . She was my bird and Leon had his Zutar , who , even today , worships even my husband 's feet . Kharma soon was dancing and singing and preening Zutar and the two birds were in birdie love . Another year went by and I still hadn 't found the right Avian Veterinarian . This one told me that you couldn 't clip a feather that had blood in the top by the follicle or the bird would just start bleeding and bleed to death . Thinking that she couldn 't fly , even though she had those few long flight feathers , we took Kharma and Zutar out on the porch on Christmas Eve , and Kharma flew away . My heart flew away with her . I was distraught . I cried the entire day of Christmas that year and walked the streets calling my Kharma with tears streaming . Months went by before my eyes were dry . My new vet , Darrel Styles , who is now doing research at a university , told me that what probably happened was that she flew out onto the open water heading for a light and just got tired and ended up in the water and drowned . I couldn 't believe I 'd lost another bird to the sky , all the while thinking I was safe . It was truly devastating . I decided I had to learn to clip wings and nails , because I couldn 't stand seeing the trauma the birds faced with being toweled simply for grooming . And I was not going to let another bird fly away from me . But , now Zutar was alone again . He became a comatose bird . He sat sadly on top of his cage . No more whistling , preening and getting preened or dancing with his beloved pink beauty . I was no better . I cried daily . I got a phone call telling me that my bird had flown into this guy 's truck and sat on the steering wheel and what a beautiful cockatoo it was , and did my bird say much ? " " Well , she does say a few things , " I naively replied . You know the rest . I sent him money against my husband 's wishes , but , he let me do so . I never heard anything again , naturally . Salt in the wound . I started crying anew for my loss and Zutar remained a living statue . I wouldn 't leave Zutar alone now . My husband agreed I could take my bird to the golf course in a special cage that fit the cart and we could play without guilt , because Zutar wouldn 't be sitting home alone . Well , that is , until the time my husband got up to swing on his tee shot and Zutar elicited an ear - piercing rendition of the golf cart backing up . Anyway , needless to say , especially to those golfers out there , Zutar was banned from the golf course that instant . We went away for a weekend and boarded Zuey at a store , when we came home from the weekend to get our bird , my husband must have already decided he was going to get another bird for me . I wanted to have nothing to do with it and wanted to leave . My husband then picked up a Catalina Macaw that , literally , was leaning heavily into my husband 's chest and holding on with his feet up by his beak . He was so scared he couldn 't move . I felt so sorry for this little orange orphan , who 'd been owned by someone else who no longer wanted him , because he only knew one behavior : biting . Being in the strange environment of the shop had been such a shock to his senses that he was just frozen from all the strange hands and people . We took him home . He vomited the whole way home in car ( yes , it 's different from regurgitation ) . I called the store and someone told me it was car sickness . We tried to sit down on the porch with the new bird and he immediately latched onto my husband 's upper arm causing intense pain , not to mention blood and screaming as the bird punched a hole in my husband 's arm . I called my new vet , Dr . Styles , and told him the situation . He agreed that we should not put Rusty in the car again due to the stress it would cause him and he made a house call . After his examination of Rusty , Dr . Styles left me with the comment that the best thing that ever could have happened to that poor bird was to meet me . I 'm sure I must have glowed at the compliment . Although I was doing it , I wasn 't really aware that I was already showing people that I had an extraordinary talent which enabled me to befriend a bird and have the bird , in return , befriend me . It took me almost a year to get on solid ground with Rusty , where I could hold him in my arms upside down like a baby and swing him or dance and he wouldn 't try to bite me . It was a tough road with Rusty and he didn 't like Zutar , either . Rusty wanted to play , but Zutar was too small to play without fear . He had no interest in being in the same room with Rusty . I didn 't like the thought that Rusty could hurt Zuey without really the intention , by just not knowing better . I don 't know if Rusty had had anything but a cage . Just a cage . In an office . He may have even had to sleep there . I 'm not sure . I told my husband I wanted another bird for Rusty to play with . He asked me what kind , and we bought a baby Hyacinth Macaw from a breeder . I now had met a very reputable and compassionate veterinarian , Don Harris of Avian & Exotic Animal Hospital in South Miami . He made a visit to the breeder 's so I could check out the birds before I bought one . His assurance and competence made me comfortable in taking home my bird . I couldn 't find a name until one day , while playing school with Zutar on a table on one side of the screened porch , my huge macaw lifted his magnificent wings and flew to my shoulder about fifteen feet a way without an ounce of effort . The wind he made before landing on my shoulder was what determined his name to be Moriah . His first wing clip was about ten minutes later . When Moriah was home with us a few months , I started feeling sorry for Zutar , because he was being left out , while my two goliaths , Rusty and Moriah , had their play fights and preened each other almost constantly . I told my husband I needed a small bird for Zuey , so we got a two week old baby Blue - Fronted Amazon , Kaila . She had these little pin feathers sticking out of her little pink body and could hardly pick up her head when she had her first bath on a large sponge in my bidet . My daughter could only exclaim , at the age of 7 , " Mom , she 's so cute ! " I had started teaching my birds to play basketball and many other things that were just for fun , I decided I had to share my birds ' antics with kids . I began by volunteering my flock for little mentally and physically handicapped kids . Then I went to nursing homes , churches and schools . Kaila learned to play peek - a - boo with the kids , when I asked her where the kitty was , she 'd meow . I 'd say , " Kaila , where 's a rooster , " and she 'd give the loudest crow you ever heard . She barked like a dog and was always full of mischief . I had by now started my business and " Aunt Jeni 's Baby Birds " were on the road . We went from the Keys to Palm Beach doing shows and passing out smiles . We decided to move to the Keys , thinking we 'd retire . I produced a show " The Wild Rainforest " with my birds at Hawk 's Cay Resort , and my husband brought his beautiful fishing boat to the Keys and chartered it from Hawk 's Cay . The birds were teaching people from all over the world about their intelligence and allowing me an avenue to get an audience for my cause , which is the plight of the earth due to deforestation of the rain forests , as well as the animals that are caught in the destructive wake ( including us ) . My relationship with my four birds was one of working together and living together . When we got home from our shows , we 'd sit in the back yard on a hammock together and watch the boats go by . It was truly idyllic . I had complete coverage from the sun with several large trees in my yard . I was Once she flew across the canal and spent the night in a Bougainvillea waiting for me to come get her . In the morning I got up early and went to my neighbor 's yard and called quietly , " Kaila , " and I heard from across the canal , Once she rode the wind over the top of our home and waited for me on the next door neighbor 's front drive . She was so invisible in the trees that once I even went searching for hours , only to have my daughter drive up to me as I walked telling me that Kaila had been in the back yard the whole time . Kaila had walked over the ground to where my daughter sat and had bitten my daughter 's big toe ! Needless to say , every time Kaila flew away , I was hysterical to get her back . But every time she flew away , I DID get her back . It was amazing . It was as if she knew not to go very far and just waited for me to come get her . I had a truly interesting experience in the Keys . I was living in a house across the street from a cable company with a giant metal tower beside it . I noticed an Osprey nest in the tower . You couldn 't miss it , it 's a HUGE nest and Osprey are large hunters , like hawks . As the months went by , I started seeing a tiny head pop out of the nest and scream in a high pitched voice as one of his parents would fly toward the nest . The scene was always a warm one . I loved looking out my front window to watch what was happening in the birds ' nest . One day , I was truly fortunate in getting to see the parent birds flying in circles around the nest screaming and screaming . At first , I didn 't know what was wrong . Then I saw the baby bird standing awkwardly at the edge of the nest . It was like seeing a four year old child at the top of a giant slide hesitating in fear . The parents screamed and landed in one tree nearby , then they flew up and around again and landed in another tree . All the while they were screaming and screaming . The baby was trembling at the edge of the nest . It was as if his parents were saying , " Come on , You can do it , baby , come on ! " And sure enough , the tiny little osprey lifted his wings and flew directly to where one parent was in a nearby tree . The other parent flew to the same tree and they were all screaming together . It was a very lucky moment in my life to have been able to see such a beautiful sight . My shows were fun . The birds would play basketball , and sing and dance and Kaila was always ready to play " Peek - a - boo " with the kids . She was a real show off , who would let the kids hold her while she 'd say , " Hello " or show them how a rooster crowed . We got lots of good feelings from doing the shows and I always loved spending time with my four special birds . In March , the winds are still kicking up in Miami , and storms can come up instantly over the bay . One day I was walking outside with my birds and had Zutar and Kaila on my shoulders and Rusty and Moriah were held on my hands . When I opened the door , the wind blew past me like a train had hit me . Zutar and Kaila were instantly lifted off my shoulders and up into the air about 50 feet , before I even had time to say , " NO ! " I ran back in the house with the two big birds , put them down and ran back out to see nothing . No sign of anything except white caps on the waves in the bay behind our house and wind whipping my hair into my face . I searched for 45 minutes , I was home alone , I was crying hysterically , people were looking at me in the streets as I called and called for my baby birds . Not one , but TWO birds taken away from me at once . I couldn 't bear it . I finally thought to lay down on my dock and look in the water . What I saw was Zutar face up in the water unconscious about three doors down . I ran around the fences that divided properties on the sea wall and jumped into the cold , wild water and picked up my sweet baby bird . He was like a bean bag . Limp and cold . No heart beat , no breathing . I got back to my house and jumped into the shower with him to warm him up . Nothing . The heat lamp was on . I got out of the shower and used my blow dryer to try to get him back to life . Nothing . I laid him on my chest beneath my chin as I laid down on the top of the vanity . My tears fell down on his beak . My heart was breaking . I made all kinds of deals with God about doing more shows and helping more people to give their birds a life with meaning , and being the best person I could . Nothing . I ran , while clinging Zuey to my chest into the bedroom and called my husband home from the golf course . Just as my husband closed the front door on his way into the house , Zutar suddenly woke up and kissed me on the lips . I started laughing and crying and couldn 't believe it when my husband walked into the bathroom , Zutar was alive ! Now , I only had one bird child out in the cold and it was getting dark . I ran back outside as my husband took Zutar and just held him so he 'd stay warm . I walked and screamed for Kaila . Nothing . My heart was sinking for my little baby bird that I 'd had for almost seven years , since she was two weeks old . It got dark and cold . My husband found me walking the streets and drove me home in the car to get some rest . I , of course , couldn 't sleep . I screamed out my windows , " Kaila , I love you ! I 'll see you in the morning ! Mamma 's here , I love you ! " My husband thought the police would come to take me away . I 'd let the birds wings grow in just a little , because I thought they enjoyed flying so much . They 'd fly to the hammock about six feet away . It seemed they enjoyed their little flights . I 've always been a big believer in freedom for any pet and to respect their needs for exercise . I also believe that birds should be able to fly . I 'm hoping to some day have an aviary big enough to be able to let my birds fly . The next day , I searched all day long . It was Sunday and I could do nothing but cry and search . Why did I let her wings grow out so long ? What an idiot I am ! I searched until about dusk and my husband picked me up by car and took me home . We were in the kitchen getting something to eat and talking when Moriah let out a squawk , then Rusty let out a squawk , and then I heard " AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH " as my little amazon flew to the fence right outside the bird room window ! I knew her voice instantly and ran into the bird room and she looked at me through the window and said " HI " in her sweet little amazon voice . Oh , thank you , God , for giving me back my baby . What a big girl , she flew home ! Three years went by and my birds and I were more and more on the road at this school or that , singing and dancing and having fun together while we amazed everyone with the intelligence and the emotional attachment to me that my birds demonstrate . I was now doing weekly shows for abused kids , also . Kaila 's wings were getting a little long again and she seemed to like the bit of independence it gave her to be able to flit from here to there , so I let her have them again . I started teaching her to fly to my hand or to the cage or to the chair and it was great . My husband would stand 20 feet away from me and say , " Kaila , fly to Momma ! " And she did . Again and again she did . It was really cool . I kept thinking how great it would be when I could let her fly in one of my shows to one of the kids ' outstretched hands . Life was great , I was feeling wonderful about all the things I was doing with my birds that were good for kids and good for not only my birds , but all birds that I was lucky enough to come into contact with in my practice . On December 22 of last year , I was outside with the birds . It was just after a bath for all four birds . I had just finished blow drying their feathers on the back porch . The wind had come up a bit and I decided to go inside . As I was putting the blow dryer away , something scared Moriah . He instantly squawked like a crazy bird and went flapping to the ground , the other two boys , Rusty and Zutar also went to the ground and my little baby Kaila went soaring . She flew right past me toward the water and was forty feet up in seconds . She tried to grab onto a swinging palm frond , but couldn 't . She zoomed over the neighbor 's roof and was gone . I wasn 't really too worried at first , because Kaila had flown so many times before and I felt that she would probably fly back . After three days of crying and looking for her , I was more than worried , I was hysterical and distraught . Christmas Day some wonderful friends came over and walked the streets where I live calling her with me . I went out at 5 a . m . every morning after by myself , thinking that at first light I could see her or hear her . I searched a radius of about 10 miles and couldn 't stop . First a week went by , then another week . I couldn 't do shows , I couldn 't talk to my friends , I couldn 't even talk to my husband . Everyone I knew would only ask " Is she back ? " whenever they called . I answered every found bird ad , and once thought that another amazon was my Kaila . I made a total fool of myself excitedly talking to this amazon . When I finally picked up my binoculars and found it wasn 't her . I was on top of a roof of a person who had called about a loose bird in a neighborhood . I almost fell off when I realized it wasn 't my Kaila . I drove home crying like a baby . After about two months of searching , keeping ads in the paper , posters everywhere , vets knew , everyone seemed to know , I decided to buy a megaphone . I thought that if she was out there lost maybe I could call her in with my voice . I drove over and over around the streets and called and called my poor little lost baby . There was nothing I could do , but look for her . I didn 't care how I looked or how I felt and I barely even fed the other birds before I raced out each day to find my Kaila . Four months went by . I was consumed with finding her still . My husband and I were at a restaurant seated at the bar waiting for a table and I said to him , " I 'm going to go early tomorrow to the park on 163rd Street and call Kaila . " He said to me , " Honey , you 're going to get arrested if you don 't stop doing this . " I asked him what I was supposed to do , just give up on this little baby bird that I 'd had for so many years ? Then I got angry and told him that he just didn 't understand me if he thought I could do that . We left the restaurant without ever eating and came home silently in the car . When I walked into the house I went to the computer without saying a word . He said , " Oh , now , you 're going to give me the silent treatment ? " I turned to my husband and burst into torrential tears and wailing and told him I felt like I had killed her and I was so stupid to believe that I could keep her from harm when I had let her wings grow in . I felt as if I had given a five year old the keys to a car and let her go drive away . My weeping and wailing wouldn 't stop and then my husband started crying too . He told me that he was angry at himself for letting me do such a stupid thing because he KNEW she would fly away and he should have MADE me clip her wings . So he blamed himself for my loss and felt so helpless because there was nothing he could say to console me . We cried and cried until there was nothing left . My heart was numb . A bird that I had gotten at two weeks old and had lived and worked with for almost ten years could not be found . I felt like I should be punished for doing such a stupid thing . Then I realized that I had been punished . My little baby Kaila was gone . It took four months for me to accept the finality of the situation . Looking at little Zuey was sad . Seeing him comatose again was almost more than I could bear . My husband said , " Honey , let 's go find a new bird for you and Zutar . " I didn 't want another bird . I felt I didn 't deserve another bird , but Zutar did . We started out on a Saturday morning and went from Ft . Lauderdale to Homestead looking at the poor little birds that sat in cages in every store just waiting for someone to finally come and give them some love . At the last store , there was a little blue fronted amazon that went crazy when she saw me . I picked her up and would have thought it was Kaila if I hadn 't known better . I named her Punkadoodle , Punky for short and brought her home with me . Zutar took about four months to accept her and let her preen his head . It was a wonderful moment for me to see . I now keep my birds wings trimmed on a weekly basis . I NEVER want to go through the pain and heartbreak of having another bird fly away . I teach all my clients how to clip their birds ' wings and nails with NO STRESS , so that their birds won 't fly away either . I feel love for every bird that I meet in my practice and I bathe and clip all the birds my clients bring me with never a need for toweling . Not a day goes by without my eyes looking skyward to see if my baby Kaila could possibly just sail right back into my life . I will never forget her sweet little voice and laugh and the joy that she brought to so many children and adults alike . I don 't think I 'll ever be able to forgive myself for letting her have wings . I should have known when I saw those beautiful osprey teaching their baby how to fly that I could never teach a bird such a feat . I gave Kaila the gift of flight , but I couldn 't give her the instructions on how to turn or bank or fight a wind . Whenever I see a bird dead on the road , I think : " That little guy had lots of flying hours on his side and still got caught in a wind and died . " I don 't think Kaila had much chance of surviving the high winds , but I can always hope that God took pity on her and pray that she 's out there somewhere eating sea grapes with a little boy amazon named Jose . I can always hope . |
I 've been neglecting my little altar . I notice last night that it was dusty , so I took everything down and washed it . I put new cornmeal in the rabbit 's dish , clean coarse salt in the salt dish , and new sand ( I have a baggie full of Siesta Beach sand from the last time we were there ) in the sand dish sitting in the woven basket . I am not the most emotionally stable person at the best of times , and the holiday season makes it that much worse . I try , but I 'm not always able to be in good spirits . Christmas decorations do help , though ! This tree was at the little cafe / bar across the street from our office . I don 't normally participate in the Friday afternoon happy hour , but I did on Friday . I had one drink ( a Bloody Mary ) , then got a Diet Coke for the road and headed home to Bob . The second tree is in our common area at work . We had a " family lunch " at work on Friday . We 're doing that about once a month , where one of the teams cooks lunch for the whole company . My team was on point last week ; I made spinach dip ( it was a big hit ! ) , Aaron made tomato basil soup and Julia made vegetable soup , and Joey and Aaron teamed up to make grilled cheese sandwiches . Nicole made brownies for dessert . It was a great lunch and a lot of fun . I think part of the fun was the interaction , i . e . , the " short order cook " aspect . It wouldn 't have been nearly as much fun if we had all just brought casseroles or something . I don 't know what we 'll do next time , but I 'm sure we 'll think of something interesting . The third little tree was sitting on the kitchen counter at work . I don 't remember it from last year , but it must have been on display somewhere , because it was apparently in the closet . Actually , for some reason I think this one started out as mine . I can 't remember why , though . I just sort of vaguely remember feeling a little regretful that I had given it away , but I don 't remember the circumstances . I do have another little tree that I 'll set up on my desk in my office this week . We never set up a tree at home until a lot closer to Christmas , since we will probably have a live tree . We leave it up until Epiphany , January 12th , so we don 't want to get it too soon . Later : I meant to mention that I kicked off the Christmas movie watching season with " Love Actually " on Sunday . Perhaps not the best thing to watch , since it always makes me cry , but in a good way . I also watched Men in Black 3 , which didn 't make me cry . My sister was going to her boyfriend 's house for Thanksgiving along with her daughter and her husband , and my other sister , who lives in Denver , was going to her husband 's family , and Bob had to work . So it was just my brother and his family and me . I was originally going to go over to his house , but since it was just the five of us , he asked my parents if we could go over there , and they agreed . They don 't really want to go anywhere anymore , and also don 't want to have a whole houseful of people , but it worked out all right . The rest of the weekend I just kind of did what I wanted . I got a pedicure on Black Friday , and did a very small amount of shopping . I went to Kohl 's for the sole purpose of spending a $ 10 coupon that I had gotten in the mail , and I went to JoAnn and bought supplies for Christmas gifts using their Black Friday coupons , and that was about it . On Monday Julia brought doughnuts in to work for my birthday , and about a half dozen of us went out to lunch . Dan bought my lunch . All in all , it was a pretty good birthday week ! We went on a mini - vacation last week . Even though I never really worried about it before , I have been a little more cautious about posting that we 're gone . I did post a few photos , though . We went to Lake Taneycomo , and stayed at the condo of a friend of Bob 's , right on the lake . Bob fished and I slept , read , and knitted a tiny bit , not much . I mostly read . They had a big , squishy , long leather couch , and I laid on it so that I looked out the sliding glass doors over the lake . I 'd read until I got sleepy , then just fall asleep and take a little nap , then maybe wake up and read some more . It was heaven . In the mornings I would sit on the deck with a glass of lemonade , and read out there , then when Bob came in from fishing , he would make me breakfast . Sometimes he would cook dinner - - hotdogs or pork chops on the grill - - and a couple of times we went in to town to get groceries . We went in for dinner a couple of times - - once to Long John Silver 's and once to Golden Corral . That was pretty much the extent of the week - - reading , eating and sleeping . It was perfect ! I really had a great , relaxing time . Bob had some trouble with the boat motor , so he wasn 't able to do as much of the kind of fishing he wanted to do , but it all worked out . Halloween was fun at the office . Dexter and Olive Oyl had matching outfits - - doggie skeletons with candy corn and treats floating around inside . Olive is sort of used to wearing clothes - - she has a little parka , and a couple of sweater vests in addition to the lobster Halloween costume she wore last year - - but I don 't think Dexter ever had before . But he seemed to adapt pretty well . Bob was working until 9 : 30 , so I wasn 't really looking forward to being at home alone . We don 't get very many trick - or - treaters anymore . They must all go to parties or something . Still , I had originally planned to go eat someplace - - I had a coupon for a free salad bar at Sweet Tomatoes - - but I got an email from Pizza Hut advertising tht you could get 2 or more large 3 - topping pizzas for $ 9 each , so I decided to do that . I ordered two pizzas online ( one with sausage , pepperoni and mushrooms and one with chicken , onions and mushrooms ) , to pick up on my way home . I stopped at Hobby Lobby first and got some embroidery floss ( I 'm cross stitching again , yikes ! Another hobby slash obsession ! ) , then picked up the pizzas and headed home . It was around 7 : 00 when I got there . There was one house down at the end of the block that was lit up like they were having a party , but not much else was going on . My doorbell didn 't ring once , and I was , frankly , glad . This weekend felt like it was crazy busy . I know it probably wasn 't compared to a lot of other people ( especially those with children ) , but it felt like it to me . It started Friday night . I got home at about 6 : 30 , got online and ordered a pizza from Pizza Hut ( sausage , pepperoni and mushroom ) and reserved a movie at RedBox ( The Avengers ) . Then we headed out to Quik Trip to get gas in Bob 's car , went to Hen House to pick up the movie , and went to Pizza Hut to pick up the pizza . The order hadn 't gone through correctly , so they had made a cheese - only pizza , and I ended up sitting there for 15 minutes , and Bob sitting in the car , while they made a new one . Then , on Saturday , we woke up to rain . I 've been worried about my car . Sometimes ( most of the time ) it acts like it doesn 't want to start , and sometimes takes a couple of tries . I was worried that it was something major / electrical . I have a friend at work who knows a lot about cars , and when I explained it to him , he said it sounded like it was probably just the battery , which was a relief . So I started out getting my nails done , then went to Target to pick up a prescription , and when I got back in the car it wouldn 't start the first time , so I sucked it up and went to Advance Auto Parts to have the battery tested . It was just sprinkling at the time , but by the time they had tested it ( it was BAD ) , we 'd gone back in and bought a new battery , and gone back out to install it , it was raining in earnest . I stayed outside in solidarity while the technician was putting in the battery , but she was having trouble - - the battery had leaked and welded the clamp to the battery post , and it wouldn 't come off - - and she told me go ahead and get back in the car . It just kept raining harder , and two guys came out to work on it , and she went back inside . It turned out that they had to cut the wires and put on another clamp ( which they didn 't charge me for ) , so it took forever , and I was soaked from standing in the rain , and still had errands to do . This morning after he left for work , I got up and went to get my oil changed . It was past due , but I would have put it off except that we 're going to Lake Taneycomo in a couple of weeks , and Bob needs tires , so I think we 're going to take my car . I went to Valvoline Instant Oil Change , and it was pretty quick . Then I headed to Ulta because I had a $ 5 off $ 10 coupon and I needed conditioner , then to Petco in Olathe for cat food because no one closer sells the Eukaneuba dry food that Dinah eats . They actually didn 't have it , either . She eats the Weight Control type , but they only had it in 40 pounds bags , and even if I thought she 'd eat it all eventually , I don 't have any place to store it . So I got the weight control / hairball control type , and will mix it with the other that I have left . Hopefully it will be okay . I hate to change her food , since it seems to invariably cause problems , but I don 't know what else to do . Then I had to come home because I had forgotten to bring the movie to return . So I got that , went back out and returned it , went back to Quik Trip to get gas in my car , then came home and am now doing laundry . Bob will have leftover fried chicken for dinner , and I 'm not sure what I 'll have , but I 'll find something . I took a picture of the clock when I laid back down to go to sleep after having to get up and clean up after Dinah , who had a hairball very early this morning . Bob is out of town , at the Lake of the Ozarks fishing with friends , so I had hoped to have a long lazy morning sleeping in without anyone 's alarm clock going off . There 's nothing quite like the sound of an animal getting ready to throw up that can make you jump up , wide awake from a sound sleep . I suppose a child crying would do that also , but cats are what I have experience with . I went looking for the photograph of Pyewacket where she was lying in the " kitty holder " in the window with her front legs dangling down , showing how nicely the stripes on her legs matched / aligned . But I have apparently set the header file for the whole site to automatically redirect to the new Blogspot blog address , so I need to sit down and figure that out . I 'll do it one day , not today . In the meantime , I thought Jojo 's legs aligned pretty well . I 'm grateful , though , that I have the skill to do that . It 's interesting , when you know how to do something so well that it 's part of your DNA , almost , how it 's hard to understand that everyone doesn 't know how to do it . HTML is one thing , knitting is another . Or sewing - - it 's second nature to me to be able to understand a sewing pattern , to take something already made and figure out how to make it - - it 's easy to forget that not everyone has that skill . I need to start walking again , and I hope to do that now that the weather has cooled off . It 's been awhile since I went out walking every night ; 100 + degree temperatures don 't exactly contribute to wanting to be out in the evenings . But it 's the perfect weather now . I 'm grateful for the neighborhood that we live in . I know that not every place is safe . I am still aware of my surroundings and don 't walk after dark , and Bob always knows basically where I am , and I have my phone , of course . But it 's a nice neighborhood , with neighbors out in the yards most evenings , and while I don 't actually know many of them , I do know them to speak to . I feel safe in our neighborhood , and I 'm grateful for that . I looked at my list to see what I was supposed to take a picture of , and saw that it was " Exotic . " I purposely didn 't give a lot of thought to the list , I just wrote out a list of words that I would have to figure out later , so I couldn 't really think of what I could photograph that would convey " exotic . " But I stopped at the grocery store on the way home tonight and there were exotic pumpkins ( or squash , I guess ) piled up in front of the store , so I took a picture of them . Then , when I got inside , I looked at the floral department right inside the door , and there were " Exotic Black Calla Lillies . " So I guess I just need to have faith that the right thing will come along . I 'm grateful for the wonderful abundance that we have available - - a place to buy groceries and flowers a couple of blocks from my house . It 's a little more expensive than some stores , but it 's very convenient . I don 't do much shopping there - - I do most of my every day shopping at Super Target - - but it 's nice to know that it 's there when I just need a couple of things , or need to run out for something in the evening . They have a lot of gourmet stuff , a nice deli section , and a great Chinese food bar . Oh , and an exotic olive bar . Lots of fun stuff that I don 't normally buy , but it 's nice to have a place to get those things for special occasions . The photo is of Connor , the German Shepherd at our office . He 's one of Dave 's dogs , the other being Jojo . When Jojo sees one of us coming , she 'll flip over on her back , displaying her tummy for a tummy rub . It gets her lots of attention , and I think Connor has been watching that . Recently he 's started doing the same thing , flopping over on his side and rolling to his back , trying to look cute . He is cute , but he 's a big guy , and it 's kind of funny to see him doing it . But it does , of course , get him a treat and a tummy rub , so his strategy is working . I remember Pyewacket figuring out how to make the dry food in the automatic feeder come down and fill the bowl when it got stuck . Dinah still hasn 't figured that one out . But Dinah has figured out that patting me on the face with her paw in the middle of the night is a sure - fire way of waking me up when she wants to be cuddled . Nothing else , except maybe throwing up , gets quite as immediate a reaction . Of course , all the dogs at work are now conditioned to show up in the morning at each of the offices that have treats for them - - or is it us that are conditioned ? I think that 's more likely . I know I 've written about Evernote before . I jokingly said in a meeting the other day that it 's my brain , but really , it is . I discovered a long time ago that I can 't keep everything in my head . I would wake up in the middle of the night with lists in my head , trying to remember everything that I needed to do . I figured out that if I write it down , I don 't have to worry about it . So I started keeping a pad of paper and a pen on my bedside table so I could write things down when I woke up . Then when I got the iPhone ( and later , the iPad ) , I discovered Evernote . There are a lot of different apps that do similar things , and they 're probably just as good , but I picked Evernote and have stuck with it . I put lists of things that I want to remember - - books I want to read , ideas about things to write . When I get a new piece of equipment , like a phone or DVD player , I find the instruction manual online and save it into Evernote . I keep my work to - do lists there . I keep lists of the medications that we take , knitting patterns , recipes . I just stick everything there so I know when I 'm looking for something , it 's going to be in one place . I guess I have a lot of obsessions . I sort of hate to admit it , but yeah , I 'm a little obsessive - compulsive . Most of my obsessions are fairly harmless , I think . This photo illustrates two of them - - sock knitting and Vera Bradley . I go through periods of sock knitting fever . I knit and knit , then I lay off for a few months . I love sock knitting because it 's portable , and because of the cool self - patterning yarn . When I 'm in one of my crazy sock knitting phases , I spend time at yarn shops and yarn websites and collect sock patterns ( although I never use any patterns except my basic one ) . I love all the little accouterments - - the tiny bamboo needles , the little stitch markers that I make , yarn snippers , the coilless safety pins I use as markers , the little pill box I keep them in . And the knitting bag that I keep all of it in . Which leads into the Vera Bradley obsession . I don 't think I 've ever paid full price for any VB piece , but I do occasionally check on Ebay , and I get their email sale announcements . They 've got such a great marketing technique - - they change the patterns every season , so if you find one you like , you 'd better buy everything you want in it , because it will be gone in a few months . Or else you haunt eBay for it . Right now I have everything I want in this pattern - - one purse , one tote bag , one wallet , a lanyard , and the cosmetic case that I use for knitting . ( Oh , and the backpack that I had such problems with on eBay . But we won 't mention that . It resides in a plastic bin in the basement . ) I do know that it 's crazy . But pretty harmless , I think . I 'm grateful that my obsessions don 't run to drugs , drinking or gambling , and that they are so easily fulfilled . One of the main tenets of Julia Cameron 's " Artist 's Way " is the artist date , basically time spent by yourself in creative or inspirational pursuits . For instance , you could take a walk with your sketchbook , go to an art supply shop and buy some new supplies , or write in a journal . Extra points for doing something for your inner child , like getting new crayons or fingerpainting . Here are some ideas . I did this on Saturday ; I went to JoAnn and spent as much time as I wanted ( probably around an hour ) wandering around , looking at everything , looking at beads and magazines and art supplies , and was particularly struck by the new Halloween items . One of the SARK quotes that I always remember is something like , " Inspiration follows action , not the other way around . " In other words , to get inspired , do something . Write something , even if it 's junk ( like Anne Lamott 's " shitty first drafts " advice ) . Paint something , make something , write something . If you can 't think of anything to write , make lists . James Altucher : Every day I write down ideas . I write down so many ideas that it hurts my head to come up with one more . Then I try to write down five more . . . . The " idea muscle " atrophies within days if you don 't use it . Just like walking . If you don 't use your legs for a week , they atrophy . You need to exercise the idea muscle . It takes about 3 - 6 months to build up once it atrophies . Trust me on this . I am grateful for this beautiful world that we live in . I know that there is much suffering and unhappiness and pain in the world , and I am never able to think of the things that I 'm grateful for without thinking of the people who are in terrible trouble . But I do try to remember that my happiness doesn 't depend on someone else being unhappy . I can enjoy a sunset without that affecting anyone else in a negative way . It 's hard sometimes , though . My empathy gets in the way . But I try to remember to look up and around me , to see all of the beautiful things that surround us , and to be grateful for them . Photo : 9 / 14 : Gratitude It 's really important to me to have notebooks and pens around in case I need to write something down . I remember once when Bob and I went to the State Fair , I had put my wallet in a really small bag so I wouldn 't have to lug something large around , but once we got there , I started worrying because I didn 't have a notebook a pen . It made me really nervous . So one of the first stops we made was the conservation hall , were I found a giveaway pencil and a brochure . So , whew . If I needed to write something down , I had a way to do that . I 'm really picky about notebooks and pens ; Bob will attest to that . For ballpoint pens , I love Bic " Velocity , " and my favorite notebooks are Miquelrius . There 's just something about their paper that feels right to me . It 's smooth and thick , and I just like it better than anything I 've ever found . Except for Moleskine , I guess , which is another favorite . However , the Miquelrius notebooks are spiral bound , so they open flat , and Moleskines aren 't . But they are nice . Right now I 'm using a purple ( " Simply Violet " ) Vera Bradley " Hipster " bag , and at Target I found some tiny Moleskine notebooks in purple , and I already had a Pilot " Precise " pen in purple , so that 's my current notebook and pen combo . It 's small and light , and doesn 't take up much room at all , but I have something to jot down lists and ideas when it isn 't convenient to type them out on the iPhone . The notebook is actually tiny enough to fit inside my ( purple ) wallet when I don 't carry the whole purse . I know it 's OCD , but it is what it is . I am what I am . I have my quirks , like anyone ( maybe more than most ) , but I really do love things like this . And it 's something that 's fairly easy to take care of . This photo symbolizes something green , and also regeneration . I bought this diffenbachia several years ago , and it was a beautiful plant . Then it got some kind of mites , and started dying , and looked awful . I tried to save it , but it got to looking so dreadful that I ended up cutting it completely off at the ground . In a few months , though , it had regrown to be more beautiful than before . I 'm thankful for that , and for all the greenery in my office . I used to have a lot of houseplants at home , but as they died , I didn 't replace them . For one thing , the cats found them too interesting , and I never wanted to risk having them eat something poisonous . And even if the plants weren 't poisonous , I wasn 't crazy about the cats eating them anyway . So it became less of a priority . The theme of my office , if there is one , is plants and birds . I have several decorative bird houses and bird cages , and a few ceramic and metal birds . I feel like my office is an oasis , and the plants and birds ( and fish ) enhance that feeling . I 'm thankful for that . It isn 't really that beautiful now - - the rose is about four days old - - but the sentiment is . Bob came home with it on Saturday night . He said , " I realized that I hadn 't brought you a flower in a long time , and that 's unacceptable ! " So , a single red rose in a bud vase . It has to sit in the kitchen or bathroom since Dinah would knock it over if it was on a table , but that 's okay . It 's fine in the kitchen . I 'm very grateful for Bob and for our marriage . I don 't talk about it a lot , because I don 't want to brag , but we really do have a great marriage . It takes work , of course , we don 't take it for granted . We thank each other for the little things that we do every day - - I thank him for taking out the trash , and he thanks me for cooking dinner , things like that . It may sound silly , but it really does make a difference . Going out to dinner is kind of a rare occurrence lately , given the state of the economy , but we do things like go out for ice cream , or go for a drive , or make a late - night run to the grocery store together , or just watch a movie . It 's something we can do together . We don 't actually spend a lot of time together at home - - I 'm usually either downstairs watching television or in the bedroom reading , and he spends most of his free time t home in his office on the computer or watching television ( since we seldom want to watch the same things ) , but we 've always said that that was one of the keys to the longevity of our relationship . We always say it jokingly , but it 's probably true . We don 't want TOO much togetherness , but I guess we have enough . I came back from a meeting this afternoon to find three dogs waiting for me . I know it wasn 't for love ( except maybe for Jojo ) , it was for treats , and the two inside the office were actually probably trapped and afraid to try to get by Jojo , but it did make a nice welcome . She doesn 't ever do anything except growl , but she is the old grumpy lady of the office ( like me ! ) , and she is very intimidating , apparently . I 'm very grateful for work , for the fact that both Bob and I have good , well - paying jobs that we enjoy . It 's a terrible time to be out of a job , and to be looking for work , so I 'm very thankful that we have jobs to go to . And obviously , mine has the added bonus of dogs ! I read an entire book today , not in one sitting , but in three or four . I read for awhile in the morning , then got dressed and went to the grocery store , came home and read some more , had dinner , read through the evening until I went to sleep . The book doesn 't really matter ( although it was " The Survivor , " by Greg Hurwitz ) , just the fact that I was able to spend so much time reading , and how enjoyable it was . I had this book on my Amazon wish list , but it just came out , and was a little expensive ( $ 12 . 99 ) , so when I heard it was coming out , I got on the hold list at the library , and my number came up this weekend . I don 't get a lot of books from the library any more , since I prefer to read on the iPad - - it 's more comfortable , I can read in the dark with minimal light , etc . , but I still do love the library . I enjoy going there on the weekends and browsing through the new books , and I love being able to reserve books that I want to read , but may not want to buy . Photo : 9 / 9 - Lunch . ( I forgot to take a photo of my lunch , so this is a picture of the view outside my office window . I 'll do " lunch " later . ) Every night when I come home , when it 's 100 degrees outside and the air conditioning is keeping the house cool , I am thankful . I am thankful for clean running water to take long showers or relaxing baths , to cook with , to drink . I am thankful for electricity to power the lamps and televisions and computers and all the various things we have to make our lives easier and more comfortable , and for the natural gas that heats the water . When the weather is a bit cooler , like it is now , I am grateful to be able to open the windows and feel the cool night air . It makes Dinah a little bit nervous , I think - - there was a little bird sitting on the windowsill the other morning , chattering at her , and she didn 't quite know what to think . It made us remember Doña catching a bird on the balcony of our old apartment and begging to bring it in . She did get in with one bird one time , and we chased it around the apartment until Bob was able to catch it and throw it out the window . My mother sewed , but she didn 't do any needlework - - her eyesight was too bad , I think . She sewed and read using a magnifier . Both of my grandmothers crocheted , and my Grandma Scott - - my mother 's mother - - also tatted . She taught me to crochet and tat , but the tatting didn 't stick . I don 't think I ever actually made anything , but she made some beautiful tatted doilies . I learned how to knit in Girl Scouts , but when I was in high school I did a lot of crocheting . That was the height of the hippie movement , I guess , and magazines like Family Circle and Woman 's Day had a lot of crochet patterns . I remember making a bunch of Irish crochet purses using rug yarn . I also went through a phase of thread crochet u sing a tiny steel hook , buying intricate doily patterns and all kinds of colors of crochet thread . During that time I made a few Barbie doll outfits from thread as well . My grandmother had crocheted a whole wardrobe for my dolls , but I must have sold it at a garage sale at some point , or at least it 's all gone missing . My knitting hobby really exploded when self - striping sock yarn came out . I 've always loved variegated yarn , and although I had no idea whether I would ever be able to accomplish knitting on tiny needles with such small yarn , I wanted to try . I made my first sock in 2003 , and that 's really all I 've been knitting since then . The photo above is the one I 'm currently working on . I 'm not very fast , but it doesn 't really matter . I 'm more of a " process " knitter , i . e . , I enjoy the process as much as , or more than , the actual end product . I love Oregon Chai . I 've made the hot version in the winter for several years , but had never thought of trying it iced . I somehow had a Starbucks gift card , and tried theirs , and really liked it , so I did some looking , and found that Oregon Chai also offers a concentrated liquid version . I believe Starbucks uses Tazo , but I like Oregon better . It comes in one of those aseptic containers , and I mix it half - and - half with 2 % milk , add some ice , and bring it to work with me . It provides my necessary morning caffeine , it 's cold , and it 's hopefully healthier than Diet Coke . I buy the Original , although they also have caffeine - free , sugar - free , and less sweet versions . They also have a Peppermint version , although apparently only during the holiday season . I 'll have to remember to try that this winter ! I 'm grateful that I discovered this . The 32 oz . carton costs around $ 5 . 00 , and I get about five or six uses out of it . The milk costs something , of course , but the total cost is a LOT less than buying one from Starbucks every morning , so it makes me feel thrifty while still having a tasty drink . I bought a Starbucks insulated reusable cup , which makes me happy , and saves throwing away a cup every day . I do use a throw - away straw rather than the permanent one , since I never feel like I can get those clean . I talked to them tonight . My mom had taken a small fall , and I got a call from the service that monitors that . I got the call while I was in the grocery store , and I didn 't hear the phone ring , I only saw that I had missed the call when I checked my phone later . The message said that my dad was there , and everything was fine . I 'm grateful to know that the service works , that they call to report even if everything turns out okay , that my mom is fine , and that I had the opportunity to speak to both of them . One of the things that I am always grateful for is the fact that we are a dog - friendly office . There are two dogs that are always there - - Dave 's two , Jojo and Connor - - and several that are there almost every day . Clark ( pictured here ) , Olive and Dexter , Ranger , Maggie , Sunshine , Dolly and Dixie , Jake and Elwood . I adore the dogs , every one of them . I wasn 't thinking specifically of the dogs when I wrote out my list of photographs for the month and wrote " Comfort " as the subject for today , but they really are a comfort to me , so I think it 's appropriate . Sometimes , when I 'm having a bad day , Bob will call , and he 'll say , " Go pet the dogs , you 'll feel better . " And I do . Dogs give you unconditional love , and are non - judgemental , although they can definitely tell me about it if I 'm not quick enough with a treat , Olive in particular . She has a huge personality for such a little dog . And , I suppose , their affection is easily bought with a treat or two . So many people come to our office and are delighted to meet the dogs , and say that they wish they could have dogs at their office . I know we 're lucky , and I 'm grateful . Photo : 9 / 4 - Comfort : Yes ? Can I help you ? I am not immune to envy or jealousy , although I don 't like to admit it . When I feel envious toward someone else , I try to remind myself of how lucky I am , and how much we have compared to most of the rest of the world . When I walk into a grocery store , or especially Target , where I do most of my grocery shopping , I think of how amazing it is to have big , clean stores where you can buy almost anything for a pretty reasonable price . Food , toiletries , cleaning products , clothing , even basic furniture . Yes , it costs money , but even though I don 't always have enough money to buy everything I might want , I do generally have enough to buy anything that I need . And such a variety ! Maybe fifty kinds of bread and bread products , a dozen or more kinds of salad dressing , crackers and cookies and ice cream , and beautiful fresh vegetables and fruits and flowers . Cheeses and frozen dinners , milk and butter , candy , and even a Starbucks right in the store . Today I bought bread , peanut butter , saltines , bagels , cream cheese and yogurt . Staples for breakfasts and lunches next week . I try not to forget to be grateful for this abundance , and to give thanks when it is consumed . I 'm trying an experiment with ads on this site . I never done that before , but I figured it was worth a try . So far it 's bringing in about two cents a day , and they don 't pay out until it reaches $ 100 , so I may give up before it reaches that point . Hopefully it 's not too intrusive . Running this site isn 't expensive , but it does cost , and running the ads might be a way to recoup some of that cost . We 'll see , I guess . I 'm so grateful for sleep . I 've never really had trouble sleeping until the last few years . I can fall asleep pretty easily - - I usually read until I feel sleepy , then put down the book ( iPad , lately ) , lie down and go to sleep around 10 : 30 or 11 : 00 , only to wake up at 2 : 00 a . m . I used to try to fall asleep again , and if I can 't in a half hour so , pick the iPad or iPhone up and read , but Bob said it bothered him , so without any distraction , I would just lie there and think of everything in the world that I might have to worry about . I know that my mother takes a sleeping pill every night to sleep , but I 've never wanted to do that . For one thing , I 'm fairly susceptible to drugs , so they make me feel groggy in the morning . But I was feeling kind of desperate , and felt like I was getting almost no worthwhile sleep . So I started taking an ibuprofen " PM " every night ( generic for Advil PM ) . The bottle says to take two , but I only take one . It 's just enough to help me sleep through the night - - if nothing wakes me , I 'll usually wake up around 5 : 00 a . m . , get up and go to the bathroom , then go back to sleep pretty quickly until my ( or Bob 's ) alarm goes off . Sleep is very important . It knits up the raveled sleeve of care , etc . I 'm very grateful that I 've found something that helps me get a better dose of it . Almost all of the reading I do now is of the digital variety . I follow a couple of blogs that list a few free Kindle and / or Nook ebooks every day . I don 't download every free book that comes along , but I get a lot of them . If a book sounds even slightly interesting , I 'll usually go ahead and download it . I have hundreds of books in my account that I haven 't read , but I also have a lot of free books that I have read , and that have turned out to be great . I also get some of the $ . 99 or $ 1 . 99 ones , but in those cases I always download a sample and read it to see if it 's something I really want to read . Even if it 's only a dollar , I don 't want to throw it away . Amazon has a " Kindle Daily Deal " where they offer one or more Kindle books at a discounted price . They are quite often tied to upcoming releases - - today 's deal was " Shelter , " by Harlan Coben , a YA novel starring Myron Bolitar 's nephew Mickey . The second book in the series , " Seconds Away , " comes out in a couple of months , so they are offering the first one to build interest . It worked for me , I bought it for $ 2 . 99 . Amazon also has a monthly list of around 100 books under $ 3 . 99 . There aren 't always a lot that I am interested in , but there were a couple of $ 1 . 99 ones this month that sounded good . It always pays to check the list . You can often get a book that you would have paid full price for at a significant discount . Two or three weeks ago someone from the gas company showed up at the front door , saying that a neighbor had reported smelling gas , and they had tracked it to our house . He said he needed to shut off the gas , and he would come back the next day , in the daylight , and run a temporary line . He said that " hopefully sometime before winter " someone would come out to bury the line . Apparently they were having problems all over the area due to the dryness of the ground . Our house is settling to the point where it 's difficult to open the door from the living room into the garage . I haven 't gone out and watered the foundation like I should , but hopefully the rain will allow things to get somewhat back to normal . Bob said this morning and we have water in the basement , maybe worse than it has ever been , but I 'm not going to complain . Hopefully the slow , steady rain will soak into the ground and give us all some relief from the dry weather . I don 't know whether it 's going to be enough to make any difference to the farmers , or my lawn , and I am sorry that it had to come at the expense of the people near the Gulf who are experiencing flooding , but in my little corner of the world , I 'm very grateful for the rain . In an effort to get back in the habit of blogging more often , I decided to do two blog projects in September . One is " 30 Days of Gratitude , " and I will blog about something that I 'm grateful for each day in September . I also want to do a " photo a day . " If you would like to participate , just save the list and follow along . If you have an Instagram account , send me your username so I can follow you , or use the hashtag # sept12photoaday so your photos are searchable . I imagine that the two projects will intersect , and I will be taking photographs of things that I 'm grateful for , but I 'm not going to specify that . Here 's my September list : I also use Gratitude Journal , another iPhone app . There is also an iPad version . The app lets you record multiple things that you are grateful for , attach up to four photos , and rate your day ( all my days are 5 star days ) . There are also various themes that you can use . I 'm sure Bob would love it if I would cook gourmet meals every night , but he understands that I need to do other things , like knit , read , sew , make jewelry . I 'm happier , and he 's happier as a result . I read a quote somewhere once that said , on their death bed , no one ever said , " I wish I had cleaned the house more . " If it 's important to you to have a spotless house , more power to you . If it 's important to you to serve a gourmet - quality meal every night , I 'm not going to judge you . You can make your own salsa from vegetables you grow in the garden , and grind the wheat to make tortillas , and I 'm sure they 're amazing . But I 'm going to feed Bob a ham sandwich , clean up the kitchen , and spend the two hours of free time I have before bedtime reading a book . I have four weeks of personal time a year - - vacation , sick leave , personal leave , whatever I need . The only years that I 've ever used it all were the years when I had surgery . I usually end up with at least a week or so unused . I had used one day this year , I think , and the year was more than half over , so I thought I 'd better take a little time . Bob and I are going to take a few days and go down to the Lake of the Ozarks in October , I think , but I wanted to take some time before then , so I took last week off . I didn 't really have any plans , and I didn 't go anywhere , but I made a point to go out to lunch every day , and one day when Bob was off , we went to lunch together . We went to Red Lobster , which was really kind of expensive , but as he said , we don 't do that much anymore . Once in awhile is fine . I made the rounds of the craft stores one day , and bought some new sock yarn . I watched a lot of the Olympics , cooked for Bob a couple of nights , slept in , and just basically had a pretty lazy week . Oh , and I gathered up about six trash bags full of stuff to give away . I need to call someone to come get them , right now they 're lined up in the front hall . That 's pretty much the only productive thing I did all week . It was nice . And hard to go back to work this morning ! I 've been struggling all month , trying to get the price of Fallen Angel updated at the outlets other than Amazon . Amazon has a requirement that the price of an Amazon ebook title can 't be higher than it is at other retailers . My book is priced at $ 2 . 99 at Amazon , but they discount it to $ 1 . 99 , so I had priced it at $ 1 . 99 at Smashwords , who controls distribution to other outlets . Amazon emailed me that they were removing my book from sale until I got the price corrected . I needed to either reduce the price at Amazon , or increase it at the other outlets . I didn 't want to reduce the Amazon price , because although they discount it , I actually get paid the commission at the $ 2 . 99 price , since that is the price that I set . So I had to increase the price at Smashwords , which I did , but for whatever reason , it never got changed at Kobo or Sony . As you can imagine , it 's difficult to get changes made that require human intervention , since these sites ( Amazon and Smashwords ) have so many authors , and are so busy . I sell by FAR the most copies at Amazon , so I hated for it to be gone from there . I lost almost an entire month , but today I was finally able to get everything accomplished , and it 's back on sale . I don 't know how much it cost me - - probably around a hundred dollars , since sales have dropped off since the peak at about this time last year - - but at least it 's back ! I discovered Victoria Houston 's " Loon Lake " mystery series a week or so ago , and have been devouring them . I just finished the fourth one and started the fifth . The books are set in a small town in Wisconsin , and center around a female police chief and a retired , widowed dentist , their families and neighbors . Like the protagonist of most cozy mysteries , the doctor finds way more dead bodies than one would expect . The doctor and the police chief have a slow sometime - romance , and the doctor has a nutty , yet philosophical , neighbor . They also do a lot of fishing . I know enough about fishing to recognize the terminology , even if I don 't do it myself , and the area she describes sounds much like a lot of the fishing spots I 've been to with Bob . Also , they 're set in an area close to where he fishes in Minnesota once a year . The yarn slipped through her fingers like silk , her needles moving without conscious thought as she knit row after row , barely looking at her hands . The yarn was beautiful , sari silk in a multitude of colors , red , purple , burnished gold . She was knitting a simple slip stitch pattern , a scarf , one that she had made so often that her hands remembered the pattern even when her mind did not . Knit , knit , slip . knit , knit , slip . The bamboo needles made a pleasant ticking sound . She didn 't hurry , it wouldn 't do to hurry . She kept up a constant rhythm , turning the scarf when she came to the end of a row , purling each even - numbered row . She could do it in her sleep by now , and sometimes she would dream that she * was , * the tick - tick of the needles soothing her . " Mom ? " The voice came from the front of the house , her son . He had let himself into the house using the key that she had given him years ago , maybe when she and his father had gone on a vacation , or maybe when one of them had been in the hospital . She would have asked him to come over and water the plants and let out the dog , the dog that was long gone . The plants were long gone , too . All that was left was the knitting . " Hi , mom , how are you today ? " She didn 't answer him . She never did . She was beyond answering . She was so far away already that death would just be a slipping over , like her knitting pattern . Life , life , death . Her son sat down beside her , on the footstool that rested next to her chair . He reached for her hand , trying to still its motion , but she shook him off and continued to knit . " Mom , " he said , " please . Won 't you stop for a minute , just a minute ? " When she ignored him , he shook his head and got up , looking around . On previous visits , he would fill his time by filling a watering can at the kitchen tap and go around watering the various plants that grew in the room . There had been a wandering Jew on the windowsill , and a mother - in - law 's tongue , and something that he didn 't know the name of that crawled along the top of the bookshelf and trailed down the side until it almost reached the carpet . It had sharp , pointed leaves , and tiny berries like blood . It made him shudder , but he had watered it , too . But they had all withered and died , and he had bagged them all up and thrown them out with the trash . He stood in the doorway and watched her as she knitted . The brightly colored yarn flowed from the basket at her feet , and the finished rows pooled in her lap . Knit , knit , slip . She wouldn 't communicate with him anymore , so all he could do was bring her the most beautiful yarn he could find . Wool or silk or rayon , she didn 't seem to care , as long as the colors were bright and beautiful . He never let her run out ; if it looked like the pile of yarn in her basket was getting low , he would make a special trip to the yarn shop in town and fill a bag with anything that caught his eye . As he stood and watched her knit , he saw her eyes close , and her hands on the needles began to slow their constant movement . Knit . . . knit . . . The needles fell from her hands and the beautiful silk scarf dropped from her lap . " Mom ? " he cried out , rushing to her side . " Oh , no ! Mom ! " I am SO angry right now . I sold a Vera Bradley quilted backpack on eBay for about half of the retail cost . I had used it a couple of times , but you couldn 't tell . The buyer gave me positive feedback , said it was perfect , then she decided to wash it , and ruined it . So she filed a dispute with eBay saying it wasn 't as described , and was damaged , when it was her who damaged it ! She wants a refund ( even though eBay allows you to specify no returns , and I did ) , and eBay has put a hold on my Paypal account until I do . So she 's ruined it , I can 't sell it to anyone else , AND I have to give her back $ 53 ! SO pissed off . I 'm sorry , it 's too bad , but it definitely isn 't my fault . eBay has made it so you can 't leave negative feedback for a buyer , but they can sure leave negative feedback for sellers . Ebay always side with buyers , no matter what , so buyers are free to lie and say whatever they want . I don 't know why I 'm surprised , but I am . I always expect the best of people . I guess I 'm just naive . Came home last night , turned on the television to watch something while I ate dinner , and there was nothing but static . Tried to get on the Internet , nothing . Tried the phone . No dial tone . We have new neighbors , and when I went to work yesterday , there was a cable strung across the yard ; when I got home , it was gone . So I figured the cable company came out to bury the cable , and in the process , cut ours . Called the cable company , the earliest they can come out for sure was next Wednesday , but said they would try to find something sooner . So about 10 : 00 my cell phone rings . It 's the cable company , and they can come out today ( Friday ) in the afternoon . It 's a terrible time for me , I 'm supposed to be talking at a meeting then , but if I don 't take it , I won 't have television or Internet all weekend . And even though the problem is outside , they say I have to be here . So I said okay . I 'll go to work , come home , and if they come on time , go back and maybe make my meeting . All for something that they caused . Posted by I spent most of the weekend sorting and clearing out and throwing away . I don 't know if that counts as " cleaning , " but I guess it does . I washed all of the salt and pepper shakers on my shelf , dusted the shelf , and put most of them back . I don 't dust them very often , but when I do , I switch them out , and put different ones out , put some of them in storage . My grandmother - - my mother 's mother - - collected salt and pepper shakers , and some of these were hers . She received most of them as gifts , souvenirs from relatives and friends when they returned from trips , and she tried to write the giver 's name on the bottom of them . Most of them are unreadable now . When I posted the picture on Facebook yesterday , one of my cousins mentioned that my other grandmother collected them , too , an said that the picture reminded her of Grandma 's house ( Great - Grandma , in her case ) . I like that . It 's a connection to another generation . I also cleaned the glass shelves of my etagere , and the things that were on it , and a server that sits in the dining room . So many things to dust ! I 'm trying to put things away , and get rid of things , but it 's hard . I also spent a lot of time today going through books and CDs , checking on Amazon to see if I could get a decent price for them , and if not , if Amazon wanted to buy them . They don 't pay much , as a general rule , but sometimes they do , and they pay for shipping . I came up with about $ 40 worth of stuff that I 'll send to Amazon , and they 'll deposit a gift certificate in my account . It makes me feel less guilty about all those ebooks I buy . . . I filled a big bag for one of the charities that comes through the neighborhood periodically , and I also put a few things on eBay . Oh , and I sold my Bluetooth keyboard on Amazon , about 30 minutes after I posted it . I just found that I didn 't use it as much as I thought I would ( not at all , really ) , so I priced it at 5 cents less than the lowest price , and it sold . It 'll be out the door tomorrow , along with a package of rubber stamps and the box of books for Amazon . It makes me feel like I 'm accomplishing something . I probably would have done more , but my back scared me this evening . I got a twinge that let me know I needed to stop , or I was going to throw my back out . I definitely don 't want to do that , even more than normal , because Bob 's out of town . It 's happened a few more times when I move , change position ( sit or stand ) , but I think it 'll be okay as long as I quit the bending and lifting . I 've got a big pile of stuff that needs to go to the basement , but I won 't do it tonight . I 'll leave it for another day , or maybe next weekend if my back doesn 't feel better . I 'll take some ibuprofen when I go to bed tonight . Bob is in a fishing tournament tomorrow , and he was down in the basement getting his fishing stuff together and I went down to tell him something . I was looking around and saw my old rubber stamps - - he had said something about them the other day , about whether I was ever going to use them again , and if I should sell them . I kind of hated to , but I haven 't used them for years , and I don 't imagine that I ever will . So I hauled a box of them upstairs , took photos , and started posting them on eBay . I had a bunch of Winnie the Pooh stamps , and I apparently was posting them at the same time that a Winnie the Pooh fan was searching for rubber stamps , because I coudn 't post them fast enough . As soon as I posted one , she would buy it . She must have been sitting there on my page , refreshing it every couple of minutes . She ended up buying ten twelve of them . I still have a bunch to post , although probably not any more Winnie the Pooh ones , but I stopped because I hit the 50 free auction limit . I 'll wait until the weekend and post some more , after the first of the month when they 're free again . Bob had to work all weekend , but since he went in early today , he got off at 3 : 00 . When he got home , he said , " How about going out for a drink and appetizers somewhere to celebrate Memorial Day ? " We hadn 't done that for awhile . He had originally suggested Joe 's Crab Shack , but I told him that I had eaten a late lunch and wasn 't hungry , so we ended up at On The Border for Margaritas and queso . We sat and talked for awhile , then ran a couple of errands and came home . Later in the evening , after dinner , we went out and drove through Dairy Queen for ice cream , then drove around while we ate it ( a chocolate malt for him and a strawberry cheesecake Blizzard for me ) . We laugh at ourselves sometimes , say that we act like old people , but we enjoy doing small things together . I 'm so glad that we still enjoy each others ' company . It 's a blessing . It mostly comes down to do something . I 'm not going to suggest that you get out and exercise . I don 't do that , either . But I do find that just getting up and actually doing something will improve things tremendously . Clean something . A drawer , a closet , the bathroom , the kitchen sink . Some happiness gurus suggest that just making your bed will improve your whole day , or there is the Fly Lady axiom of cleaning your kitchen sink as the last thing you do every day . I don 't always make the bed , and while I don 't leave dirty dishes lying around , having a sparkling sink doesn 't do a lot for me . What helps me is throwing stuff away . It 's really hard for me to do , but going through a drawer and tossing useless stuff , or cleaning out a pantry shelf and throwing away expired food makes me feel like I 've accomplished something . Also , it drives me nuts to have a bunch of stuff on my computer desktop , or have my email inbox full of junk . I try to clean both my desktop and my inbox every day . It makes me less crazy . Eat something . Even if you aren 't hungry , don 't forget to eat , and pay attention to what you eat if you have a tendency toward low blood sugar . I found that out the hard way a couple of weeks ago when , stressed and upset , I had chocolate milk and a granola bar for breakfast and nearly passed out at the beauty salon . Sell something on EBay . I was cleaning out a closet and found a twenty year old " Epilady " that I used maybe once . I saw that the same item was selling on eBay for around twenty five dollars . I priced mine at $ 24 . 95 and it sold within a couple of hours , and now I have some money in my Paypal account to do something fun , like buy breakfast at Wendy 's on my way to work . Make something . I have an Etsy store , so I have an outlet for selling the things I make . You can do that , too , but even if you don 't sell what you make , the act of making something is worthwhile and will boost your spirits . Last night I had an idea of making a beaded badge holder lanyard . I made it , took photos of it , and posted it on Etsy . Then I posted a photo and the link on my Facebook page , and someone bought it this morning . Read something inspirational . I spent some time this morning reading David Alchuter 's blog and it inspired me to write this blog post . Do NOT read something depressing . I would advise against reading the news . Or you could always look at some cat videos , like this one . Or there 's always this one . Get some free stuff . I love keeping track of the free Kindle book blogs . Keeping my Kindle full of Books makes me feel rich . I don 't download every free book , but if it sounds like something I might enjoy , I do . Unless it 's a topic that I 'm sure I will want to read about , I don 't usually download free nonfiction books . I don 't need the guilt of seeing them in my library but not reading them . Hallmark has a " Gold Crown " program where you get points for anything that you buy at a Hallmark store . I don 't do much shopping at the Hallmark stores , but I do occasionally , and a couple of times a year I 'll get a free coupon for Get on some mailing lists , but only for things you love . Beauty Brands sends out emails showcasing their specials . Occasionally there will be a coupon for a free product with purchase , and a couple of times a year they send out a completely free $ 5 coupon good on anything in the store . $ 5 isn 't a lot , and I know they do it to get you in the store , but hey , free $ 5 ! I got one a couple of weeks ago and bought a small ( handbag size ) tube of expensive handcream and only had to pay about a dollar for it . Conversely , get OFF some making lists . If you 're getting emails that you consistently delete , get off the list ! Or set a rule in your email program that throws it away before you see it . Not having to delete junk mail will save you a few minutes every day , and a lot of aggravation . Write something . Like this blog post . If you don 't have a blog , write in a journal . Keep track of something . I use Evernote as my adjunct brain . Use your smart phone to take photos of your prescription medications , and mail them to your Evernote account . I did that this morning . Save a conference schedule as a PDF and save it in Evernote . When you pay a bill online , take a screenshot of the receipt and email it to Evernote . It makes me feel efficient and is an easy place to find things , because I invariably get flustered when I 'm trying to find something like a schedule or a list of medications . Evernote automatically syncs to any device that you have it on , i . e . , iPhone , iPad , computer , etc . , so once information is in there , it 's available to you anywhere , and it removes some stress from your life . Get out there and do something . I read a book a long time ago that had a character in it who " only ate yellow food , " i . e . , Twinkies , bananas , macaroni and cheese . I fear I 'm falling into the same rut , but I think it 's kind of a comfort food thing . Music One Republic " Secrets . " I rented " The Sorcerer 's Apprentice " last weekend from Amazon . It was an okay movie , not great , but this song played a couple of times , and I had to Google it and figure out what it was . I don 't think I had ever heard it before , but it plays in my head now all the time . Books Greyhound by Steffan Piper . I had noticed when this book came out , but never read it . It was the Kindle Daily Deal today , for $ . 99 , so I got the sample , and before I even finished the sample , I went and bought it . It 's a story about an eleven year old boy whose mother needs to get rid of him so she can keep her current boyfriend , so she puts him on a bus from California to Pennsylvania , where he is to live with his grandmother . The story is about his adventures on his cross - country bus trip . It 's written in first - person in the boy 's voice . The Amazon Kindle app ( check out Pixel of Ink and Books on the Knob for links to free Kindle books ) We got today ( Friday ) off , making the Memorial Day weekend a four - day weekend ; I 've got my annual doctor 's appointments and tests on Tuesday , so I won 't be back to work until Wednesday . I kind of feel like I need a break , so I 'm grateful for it , but being away from work always makes me feel nervous , like things are going to blow up while I 'm away . I do my best to avoid that , and usually ( always ) check my email to be sure that things are going smoothly , but it still makes me anxious . I 've been out quite a bit lately . I was at a conference for three days last week , then a one - day all day meeting on Wednesday . I 've got " Word Camp , " the Wordpress user group conference , next weekend , which I 'm not thrilled about , but they always have them on weekends , I 'm not sure why . I had a manicure first thing this morning . I 'm getting my hair cut tomorrow , and I had originally planned to do them both on the same day , but my manicurist 's son is in a track meet on Saturday in Jefferson City , so she asked if I could switch my appointment to today . That was fine , except that she wanted to do it at 9 : 00 a . m . Which didn 't actually turn out to be a problem , because I woke up early and couldn 't go back to sleep . . . That seems to happen a lot lately . I usually don 't have any trouble going to sleep , but I wake up several times during the night , and inevitably I will wake up at 4 : 30 or so , lay there for a half hour , and finally get up , giving up on sleep for the rest of the night . Maybe it 's just a part of getting older , I don 't know . And also , I lie there and worry , and everything seems so much worse in the middle of the night . . . So , I had my nails done , got a quick lunch at Einstein Bagels , and came home and worked on some website projects . I was talking to the manicurist this morning about work , and said , what I need to do is write another book . She said , " you need to write another ' Fifty Shades of Gray . ' " And I said yeah , or another " Twilight . " It could happen . I stopped at Chipotlé tonight on my way home to get something to eat . This restaurant is on two levels ( just a couple of steps up , I guess ) , with an outdoor patio outside the upper level . I got my food , and went up to the upper level to eat . As I got there , I saw a little boy pushing open the door to the patio . I looked around , and there was no one on the patio , and no adults anywhere around . I 'm not good at estimating age , but this guy was little , maybe three years old . I asked him , " where 's your mom ? " and he just sort of gestured vaguely , and kept on pushing the door . I said , " You shouldn 't go outside by yourself , " and he said , " I get to pick the table . " I said , " Well , you need to wait for your mom or dad . " . He ran off , back to the main part of the restaurant , and I looked over and saw him being picked up by a man . The boy looked upset , and who knows what he said to his father . I thought I should say something , so I caught the man 's eye and said , " I 'm sorry , I just told him he shouldn 't go outside by himself , " and the man said , " no , no , you 're absolutely right , " but the woman with him , the boy 's mother , I assume , kind of glared at me . I felt kind of like I shouldn 't have said anything , but there were several things that could happen to a little kid in the five or ten minutes it could take his parents to get through the line and join him . He could get his fingers crushed in the heavy door . He could fall on the concrete patio and split his lip . He could run into the street and get run over . And the one I was thinking of when I stopped him from going outside , he could get scooped up by someone who wanted a little boy , and no one would have any idea who happened to him . So I don 't actually feel guilty about saying something , but it did feel a little weird , and I was glad when they finished their meal and left . But not as weird as I would have felt if he 'd been snatched , of course . I can 't remember where I first heard about Birchbox . It 's a subscription service that mails you a box of beauty samples for $ 10 / month . I love samples , so I thought I 'd try it . You have to get on a list , you can 't just immediately subscribe , so you don 't really have any control over when your name comes up . You have to claim your place within 48 hours once you 're notified , so I guess if you don 't , you can get on the list again . My name came up for the May box , and after I signed up I saw that it was going to be a " Gossip Girl " box . That didn 't interest me , and I wasn 't real thrilled , but I figured I might as well try it anyway . It arrived last night . I hadn 't seen what the boxes actually contained , so I thought maybe some other people would be interested in seeing an actual box . It was very nicely presented , like a gift , which I liked . I haven 't tried any of them yet , but I 'll definitely try the shampoo and conditioner . I 'm a skincare snob , though , and never put anything but Clinique on my face , so I 'm not sure if I 'll try the moisturizer or not . It 's a good - sized sample , maybe I 'll try it on my hands . I almost never wear mascara , so I 'm not sure if I 'll use that or not . It will probably go in my drawer with all the Clinique mascara samples I 've gotten over the years . |
Voting starts Wednesday morning at 9 : 00am PDT / 12 : 00pm EST / 10 : 30pm IST / 5 : 00pm WET / GMT / 4 : 00am AEDT ( Thursday ) and ends the same time on Thursday / 4 : 00am AEDT ( Friday ) . Send your votes via email LIFlashFiction ( at ) gmail . com . Winner will be announced in the Comment and Story thread . You may vote only once and cannot vote for yourself . Upon the Platform of Surrender nothing is veiled or hidden , neither physical nor spiritual . This isn 't the place for confession or final pleas . Innocence is not debated here , nor guilt . Mercy has never shown it 's face once the Platform is occupied . There are no second chances . The Platform is a fait accompli . Walker spit , tried to raise his battered and bruised body . Blood drooled from his mouth and pooled on the Platform . Pain wracked his jaw and ribs and places too numerous to count . " Any time now , Dani , " he managed to mutter through the pain and swelling . " En route . 20 seconds , " came the reply in his ear . " Judgement , " bellowed the Administrator Spur Adjudicate Tamn ' r , " has been made . We are here to witness . " He turned to the crowd , solemn , serious , and raised his hands , palms up . Two days earlier the Seed Anthropologist had landed in an uninhabited area and cloaked his craft . His mission was to subtly influence the population and move them from superstitious beliefs to something more enlightened . The job , while thrilling , was dangerous in these early stages when little was known or understood about the culture . Walker grabbed his pack . He stared at the old - style tattoo on the inside of his wrist . The design was interwoven areas of black ink . He tapped the tattoo twice at one end and activated its biometric scanners and the nano - filament antenna woven through it . It was important that he not have any tech more advanced than the locals , at least none that could be detected . Tattoos were common and it gave his ship , Dani , a way to keep tabs on him . " Safe travels . " Dani 's words sounded in his ears , almost as if the ship were in his head . Inside each ear was a bioengineered mole that allowed the ship to speak to him . Both the tattoo and mole were powered by his own body 's enzymes and electrical system , virtually undetectable . Little was known of the small planet . It was in the pre - industrial period , marked by the same woes found throughout the galaxy . They served three Gods , each confined to its own culture . Little else was known . Walker exited the wood and found himself on the edge of a small but influential town . At the edge of town was an eating establishment . Patrons were seated outside enjoying the day . Walker sat at a table near the road and placed his bag on the ground next to him . " Looks like you 've traveled a long way . Let us buy you a drink . " A finely dressed man approached his table . He had the smile of a politician and the measured gait and air of a man in charge . " I don 't believe we 've met . I 'm Administrator Spur Adjudicate Tamn ' r . " The Administrator extended his hand . They clasped each other near the wrist . The Administrator smiled . " Odd name , Walker . " The Administrator kept the hold of Walker 's wrist and smiled . He looked down at his wrist . Visibly taken aback , his grip tightened and twisted Walker 's wrist slightly . His drink was delivered but as he picked it up the Administrator returned with two men who looked like guards . Anger was in the Administrators voice , though he was smiling . " You are either a fool or Chechin has you up to something nefarious . Regardless , we will learn what that purpose is . Come easily , or you will be beaten here and dragged . " The Administrator glanced at the guards . A whip snapped and pain shot through his back then flooded over him . Another whip , and another , this one lower , opening a gaping cut across his right thigh . Walker screamed , blood ran down his leg , over his ankle and onto the floor . He screamed again from the pain and shock , his weight pulled at his wrists . The Administrator stood inches from him . He lifted Walker 's sagging head . " What is your mission ? " Tamn ' r stepped back , sighed and shook his head . " The third heathen Chechin spy in a month . These are testing times . " He turned to the guards . " Deliver him to the Platform at noon . " " You haven 't been beaten that badly . You wear the false deity 's mark on your wrist . You are convicted of the crime of bearing false witness . You will die upon the Platform . " " This man is guilty of bearing false witness , " the Administrator told the crowd . " He wears the mark of Chechin upon his wrist . His death will prove our worthiness to our Lord . " The reason given most often has to do with the new religion , Christianity . The Christian leaders insisted public bathing fostered too much public sex . The most righteous of the righteous were never wrong according to the lesser righteous , but how much is too much ? The bright line fades to gray , here . However , coincidentally or not , the Black Plague killed one third of everyone in Europe between 1346 and 1353 . The Plague might have had one upside . Quicker than a laser blast , the Plague brought back the old idea of cleanliness being next to Godliness . This bit of non - fiction is trivial compared to what really brought the bathtub back to Europe and ended the Plague . See for thine own sweet smelling self . A brilliant light flashed and a stranger appeared as if he came from thin air . The stranger , a medium sized bald headed man dressed in a peculiar onesie , stood in front of Dr . Pierre Arnour . as he drank his morning tea at C ' est Si Bon , a busy sidewalk café , on the dirtiest street in the Moulin Rouge in Paris , France . Stunned by the light and the sudden appearance of the stranger , Dr . Arnour asked for a name . The man sputtered . " Gregorious Soontobethe Eleventh . " Arnour sat stunned . A Pope named Gregorious X , who ruled the Christian world for many years , died mysteriously in 1271 . Some thought he was possibly a Plague victim . Arnour 's curiosity peeked . " Oh never mind . " Arnour turned away and resumed his sipping hoping the man would vanish as quickly as he came . The man continued to stand and stare . He would not move on . Arnour grew irritable and impatient . Finally he said , " Yes ? What is it ? Do you need something from me ? I am a Doctor . Perhaps you need my services ? Yes ? " The man clapped his hands twice . A dog appeared . For a brief moment , a stairway to a strange looking metallic vehicle , suspended in the air , materialized but quickly vanished . Arnour took no notice of the vehicle since his gaze was fixed on the just materialized dog . He looked at his teacup and then at the dog . He shook his head . " Mon Dieu . I should have ordered wine . " He waved at the man again . The man with his dog followed along behind Arnour . As they walked , the man stopped twice to retch . The dog marked every lamp post . Arnour took notice of this oddity and thought , this lunatic must be very ill . I am just the man this poor fellow needs . They walked on . Ten minutes later , Arnour stopped in front of his office . " Here we are . Now see here Sir ! If you are ill with the plague or something else , I shall bleed you and have a look at your vitals . " He motioned the man to go inside . The man shrugged again . " I must say , I am intrigued by your exceptional appearance but really , I don 't allow dogs in my office ! They are filthy with fleas , you know . You may leave the dog outside , please . " The man entered . The dog followed . The man noticed a large wooden tub in the corner and walked hastily to it . The dog followed . Both got into the tub . " Soooo , you wish to bathe ? Most people , myself included , don 't use the bathtub but once or twice a year . Dogs never use it . You were throwing up . Do you think a bath will cure you ? It won 't . Bleeding will . " The man had bewildered expression on his face and quickly pulled up his sleeve . He studied a metallic wristband briefly and punched several shiny knobs . He answered Arnour in perfect French . " No Monsieur , I want to bathe because of this filthy flea infested planet . I threw up because you smell horribly . " " Chinglish . It is the common tongue , on Earth 2 . 3 . It is a bastard mix of English and Chinese , s ' il vous plait . " " Earth 2 . 3 ? Ah ha ! I don 't know this country ! Is it near Spain ? The dark smudge color of your skin is not from dirt ? It is permanent ? Forgive me . I assumed . " He eyed the tub , arched his eyebrows , and ordered his rotund little wife to fetch hot water . She cursed him silently . He spread his arms and said , " The bath is complimentary , my dark friend . However , I must charge three silver coins for the dog . I will have to change the water when the dog finishes . Fleas , you know . " The man handed him a small box . " When you bath again next year , you must try this . It is called soap . Surprisingly , it kills fleas , smells , and plagues . I hope to open the territory for franchising soon . The shops will be called " Quick Dips " . The baths will be private , of course . Keep this sample . I will be in town for a while . " " If your scheme fails , what then " , Arnour asked . " Then I will be guilty of failing to stop the Plague . Earth 2 . 3 will never exist . But I am proof it exists , so I will succeed . " " Was it you that scrumped Mr Atkins ' apples ? " my mother asked me one day . Mr Atkins lived next door to us and had a couple of fine apple trees , bearing delicious Cox 's Orange Pippins . Old Akkers , as the kids down the street called him , was very proud of his trees and the fruit they bore . When the season arrived he would put a sign outside his gate announcing ' Apples For Sale ' , and he wouldn 't be short of takers . But now he 'd noticed that from one day to the next , he was missing a sizeable number off the trees . I continued to deny the ' crime ' but my face condemned me to a weekend in my bedroom . I was of course completely innocent - it was Alec Baker that had taken the apples , in fact - and the bitterness I felt at the unjust punishment , and at my mother thinking less of me without reason , remains with me to this day . It was the first time that my guilty demeanour got me into trouble , but it wasn 't the last . And the next time it happened , the police were involved . Every summer our family would go to a holiday camp on the south coast . I used to love it - I 'd make good , albeit temporary , friends , we 'd play football and pinball , fall briefly in love with girls from the other end of the country , experiment with alcohol … they were memorable times . We went for eight years in a row , and it was in the eighth year that I had a run - in with the law . The holiday camp would put on after - dinner dances in which our parents would shuffle around the dance - floor pretending to know the waltz and the foxtrot while my friends and I watched on . One evening , I took a break from making fun of the dancers and went into the toilet . I was almost knocked over by a boy , a little older than me , rushing out . I soon found out why : the toilet was all but destroyed , the washbasins broken and on the floor , water spurting out of the exposed pipes , the mirrors smashed . While I was surveying the wreckage , an adult came in and caught me there in the middle of the room , it would seem red - handed . The manager of the holiday camp was informed and the police called . As with the case of the apples I denied everything , but once again , my face was beyond my control and I was declared guilty . My parents ' pleas eventually convinced the manager not to press charges , but they had to pay for the damage . As you can imagine , our relationship was a little frosty for some time , for them because of the shame and anger , for me because of the injustice of it all . I grew up and found gainful employment as a pilot - planes have been a lifelong passion of mine . I fly light aircraft in and out of the country , sometimes carrying individual passengers , sometimes acting as a courier of urgent documents . My company - ' Freddy 's Flights ' - is based at a small aerodrome in the east of the country . The first time I brought a client into the country , I was given the third degree by the resident customs official , George . Asked if I had anything to declare , I said that I didn 't , but my face started acting up again and George ordered a search of my bags and the plane . The search was very thorough , such was George 's conviction that I had something to hide , but of course they found nothing . George was very annoyed because his training had prepared him to spot people just like me , but this time his training let him down . And that 's what gave me the idea of how to make my guilty conscience work for me . I 'm now into the third year of a different line of business , although I keep the conventional service going as a cover . You 'd never believe how lucrative a bit of virtually risk - free smuggling can be . Deep in the alley Amy skulks , nervously looking left and right . What if anyone should see her ? The very thought causes her to cringe back into the darkness . If it weren 't for her friendship with Esme everything would have been fine . Esme is manipulative and needy . Subtly and slowly , she draws Amy into her schemes . Next day , back at the flat she shares with Esme , they are both nursing hangovers . Esme is feeling wretched and needs to offload on to someone . " You were quite a little mouse last night , " she says to Amy . " You spent most of the party in a corner . Why didn 't you circulate ? And if I were you I would have visited the hairdresser . That dress you bought last year - has it shrunk ? " Pulling out the phone directory she finds the name of a gym . Working out her budget carefully she can afford a personal trainer as well . Some new clothes and a visit to the hairdresser complete the picture . Amy 's personal trainer is not as she imagines . The first appointment , instead of something constructive , such as exercise or a jog , is more of a fact - finding mission . She expects a certain amount of exercise , but not a questionnaire . The question throws Amy ; what does she want ? She manages to stammer out a few requirements such as getting fit , and maybe losing a few pounds in weight . " Right ! Tomorrow I will design a plan . It 's important that you are serious about this ; my time is valuable , and so is yours . " A month later , after a punishing diet and exercise regime , Amy , though she has lost a few pounds and feels more energetic , is finding all the restrictions galling . Instead of coming home from work and settling down with a drink and her favourite TV programme , she finds Tony , her trainer , there on the doorstep in his running kit . Esme , as usual , gives her no support . " I don 't know why you are wasting your money on that jerk . All he thinks about is fitness . I bet he spends all his money on steroids and all his spare time body building . " As the weeks progress the regime grows more aggressive ; the diet more restrictive . Amy begins to rebel . This is no way to live . She tries to end the contract that she has agreed with Tony . " You signed for a three month contract and that is what we agreed on " He is unrelenting . " There is no possibility of a refund ; we will see this through until January . " " What about Christmas ? " " I will make a concession , you may have Christmas day off , " Amy is desperate ; she is not sure how long she can hold out on a diet of protein drinks and salads , even the odd glass of wine is prohibited . ' A girl 's gotta live ' she tells herself . His mother had been living in a nursing home for two years . She was 102 years old . He had tried to visit her about three times every month , but as time went by , he seemed less and less able to keep to his projected schedule . The nursing home was called Fairwood Nursing and Rehabilitation Center . It was located about an hour 's drive from James ' home . Sometimes when he missed a visit , he would use the weather as an excuse . " I blew a tire and it took AAA so long to show up to fix it . Then I was afraid to drive such a long distance there and back on the plastic doughnut replacement tire . So I tried to buy a replacement tire at the auto place but they were backed up and it took hours before I had another tire . " Yes , James was a great one for excuses but not so good at meeting responsibilities . He knew this and it made him feel guilty . He tried to assuage his guilt with the thought that his mother suffered from slight dementia . " She never recognizes my wife , Sue and thinks she is just some friend of mine until I set her straight . While we 're there she keeps dozing off and I doubt that she even remembers we came by . When I ask her when my brother , Fred came by , she always gets a vague expression on her face and says something like , ' Last week I think . ' Even when I know he hasn 't been by for a couple weeks . " It was less than two weeks to Christmas and he was supposed to show up tomorrow . His brother and sister were supposed to be there as well . It had been quite a task for all of them to be able to find a day and time they could be there together even though they and their spouses were all retired . " No good ! " replied Sue . " Your brother already said he is bringing her candy . You can 't give her the same thing . Maybe we could run out and get her a sweater or something ? " In exasperation , James replied , " We gave her two expensive shawls last year and those had disappeared within a week of Christmas . Either the staff or some other patient has them now . A sweater would be gone before she could even get it buttoned . Maybe we could give her a fruit basket ? But then again , pears , apples and such would prove too difficult for her to eat . I 'm stumped . These visits are a giant pain in the ass ! " The minute the words left his mouth , James was horrified . After his father had died when he was eight - years - old , his mother had raised him on her own . She had seen him through a private high school and college working as many hours as she could at a grocery store . She had always bragged about him to friends and family saying how smart and talented he was . She had given unstintingly of her time and love . Yes , he was guilty , guilty of being a selfish ass and being unable to love his mother one - tenth as much as she loved him . He knew in his soul that God would recognize his sin and James feared just retribution . James was already sixty - four . Would his children take the time to visit him when he was placed in a nursing home ? Mama says I have the gift to spin a great yarn . It took me a long time to figure out what she meant . Now that I have she encourages me to spin on paper . Maybe so she can find out what I am thinking . Daddy says my stories are a bit far fetched but they really happen . Any way here I am sitting in my favorite tree , pen and paper in hand . I am not sure where to begin or even if this story should be told , Yet it seems to want to come out . Mama prefers me to be more like her roses , standing regal and proud . She has the most beautiful roses in all the world . Whenever I look for her I know I will find her in one of two places , cleaning her castle or talking to her roses . Mama says if we give our all to the LORD and let him direct our lives then we will be a sweet fragrance , like a rose to Him . I try mama , really I do , but there is just a stubbornness in me I can 't seem to explain . I guess mamas right , I am more of a stink weed . Mama says knows there is a very tender heart in me , one that just seems to understand people who are hurting and what they need to feel better . I just need to let GOD use me more . Wonder how I can do that ? Daddy calls me his little munchkin and twinkle toes because I like to dance and I tend to sneak up on him . Daddy tells me trials are good for us , they help build character . I must be full of it by now , I seem to have lots of trials and mama calls me a character . Wonder if GOD thinks I am a little Character too , or if I am truly building the life he wants me to have in Him . Mama says cleanliness is next to godliness , so we must be real close , cause we are never to be seen dirty . I think I change clothes six times a day . There are ; play clothes , town clothes , school close , bed time clothes , church clothes , go to meeting cloths and visiting clothes . Mama could save herself a lot of work if she 'd just let me make it through a day wearing the same thing all day . We could save closet space too . When we have company coming , Mama cleans everything and tells me not to walk on the rugs or sit on the furniture . Mama and Daddy have a friend who is over six feet tall . When he comes to visit , our house feels like a doll house . When mama complains he 'll have to excuse the mess , ( the crooked magazines on the coffee table , ) she hasn 't had time to clean up , Mr . Prisk gets a sly grin on his face and pulls out his white gloves , smiles at me , turns and runs his finger along the top of the door frame . Then showing his glove to mama says , " Yes , most peoples houses are dirty up here but you would make the hospitals envious , now relax a little . " Then with a twinkle in his eye , he knocks the magazines off the coffee table , as he sits down . Daddy and I just laugh when mama 's temper starts to flare , then daddy and Mr . Prisk pick up for her . Mama gives me that look , as though it was my fault , I know I best be quiet and go to my room . One time mama told me of a meeting we had to attend , how very important it was I act like a lady , sit still keep quiet . I promised to do my best . But Levi and Eli thought it would be real cute to put ice down the back of my dress . I squirmed and squirmed , I tried hard not to make noise but it was so cold . Mama is the kind who can discipline you with a look , make you fill guilty even if your not , and believe me she was not happy , I could tell by the stern look she gave me , if she looked at her roses that way they would wilt on the spot . Later I tried to explain , but there was no reasoning with her , I had not behaved the way I should , I would pay . " why can 't you act like a lady , be more delicate ? I guess if you want to be looked upon as a rowdy child you can , but please do it when I am not present ! There will be no play for you tomorrow , you will spend the day cleaning . " I broke my arm . But mama was stewing over her roses . Now I am in my tree with pen and paper , telling myself don 't accept the guilt . " Father I 've sinned ! " Marie sat , shoulders hunched up looking at her clenched fists , in the confession booth . She religiously attended Sunday prayers and always had something to confess . " I 've lied . " " Have you , my child ? " The voice of the priest asked behind the partition in the booth . " The house was in a mess . I did not clean it for a month or more . The Christmas season was looming , my paperwork , my tax return were heaped up in the lounge , waiting to be sorted and filed away . There were so many jobs that needed my attention and I didn 't know where to start . " Marie closed her eyes and pushed her head back . " What this got to do with you lying ? Come to the point , Marie , Other people , who needs my blessings too , are waiting in the queue for their worse confession . blessings " Marie continued , oblivious of the priest 's comment , " I was watching this programme called Obsessive Cleaners and it dawned on me to how messy my house has got to . I had fallen in such a rut that I had become like the couch potatoes , those messy people as shown in the programme . I looked at all the boxes in my lounge with things that I don 't remember hoarding in them and they were staring at me as if pointing an accusing finger at me for boxing them for so many years . I got up to clean because I didn 't want to be like those mental people . I was very worried . I cleaned the toilet . That all I could do . I didn 't have a clue how to tackle anything else . " " I haven 't finished yet , father . " " Hurry up ! I 've got others waiting , Marie " " I went to the Cards shop and bought 7 Get Well cards and displayed them on the mantel shelf . My daughter came over , saw the cards and asked me , ' Who the hell is ill here ? ' " ' There 's no one else except me living here . ' I answered , not looking at her and pulled my hair over my face so that I looked ill . " " Damn I , t father ! Around Christmas time you always get visitors , people dropping in to say hello or give you a card . I thought if they see the cards they will think that I have been ill and that was the reason why the house was full of clutter . " " Yesterday , my daughter and her friend came and they cleaned the house . Would you believe , I even helped them with it ? It 's the season of goodwill and sharing they said and sorted out all the things I no longer use , my old or not fitting clothes were taken to Oxfam who , they said , were collecting for the Syrian refugees who have nothing and there I was hoarding stuff that I would never use . They sold some of my stuff on ebay , the internet site . They , then brought the Christmas tree and decorations down from the loft and we sang along as we put them up . I couldn 't do anything before and the good lord sent those angels to give me strength to sort all that out . I feel so guilty that I had pretended and lied that I was ill . For Christ sake , why didn 't I do it before ? I felt liberated from the junk … " " The Lord understands and has forgiven you . Bless you , my child . " The priest pulled the curtains from the window and added while facing Marie across the bars , " Would you go home and have a nice cup of tea now in your clean house , Marie . Your sins are wiped out . Some people are waiting in the queue . " He reminded her before pulling the curtains back to cut off communication with her . Marie walked out of the booth and smiled at the other churchgoers . She held on the arms of one person in the queue and told her . " I feel so much better now that I confessed about my sins . We 're blessed to belong to our church . My faith has deepened , my belief is stronger and my heart is lighter . I 'm bursting with energy . " Marie was window shopping when she spotted her daughter and her friend inside the shop looking at the array of perfumes that were being displayed . " Fancy meeting your here , " She surprised them . She took the bottles of perfume that they were holding . " I 'll buy them for you girls , my way of thanking you for being there for me , for donating my stuff to those who needed them . Christmas is for giving and sharing to quote your own words . I 've got your Christmas present here . " Marie waved the bottles at them . " I 'm glad we used the season of goodwill to get you to part with the stuffs you 've amassed over the years and which you no longer use . " The friend said . " By the way we know you weren 't ill , the cards were not written by anyone . " Marie almost dropped the bottles on the floor and as she stepped back she almost knocked the display of perfumes . Her daughter reached to her and steadied her . " You knew . Jesus Christ ! I 've just come from the church to redeem my sins . " ' The flight is booked for next Wednesday but quite a few loopholes to close up before then as you know . ' ' I have to get another rabies shot and my assistant has a few of my lab tests to document and collate for me . ' I volunteered . Still basking in all the praise , Rayphe was blissfully unaware of my fury . ' Theodore and Eko are good mates and colleagues . We should invite them around more often Marnie . ' Being experienced we both knew the risks and had a first aid and evacuation plan in the event of an emergency . After several weeks of successful surveillance work we were suddenly faced with an emergency . Rayphe fell ill - gravely ill . It had been easy to infect Rayphe with blood samples taken from the bats we handled . No one suspected . I felt smug as I took a sip from my long black and prepared to regale Theodore and Eko with my research findings . I was no longer interested in being in the company of Theodore and Eko and excused myself on the grounds of feeling unwell . They understood . Rayphe 's death was still very raw and they showed compassion . Zeke was stepping up his pace . Richard and Zack always were by his side in his moments of need , and this was no exception . Now , Zeke was urging them to follow him . They were heading to Abbott 's Harbor , where the Mermaid 's Song was waiting for her passengers . Zeke was walking ahead . The three of them were usually very talkative . Tonight , no one was able to say a word . Not after what happened almost an hour ago . Zeke 's trade in electronics fared well . Too damn well for a 32 year old . " Graduate . Don 't date before you finish college . If you can 't wash your teeth after every meal , always wash them before going to bed . And every time you 're facing something , remember : you 're my grandson , you can do it " . He could remember his grandfather Joseph saying those words when we was little . That was when Richard appeared . Zeke had it all covered . Before he graduated , his older brother died in a bike accident . Doctors said he didn 't reach the floor alive after the crash . Zack came up with his cool , old teenager attitude and stood by Zeke 's side ever since . Zeke tackled his way through workplaces , and felt at home when he started his business . Using the knowledge and network he gathered until then , it seemed easy , sustainable and profitable to build up his own trade . A few months later came the marriage proposal . Lisa Thompson , 5 years younger than him and the apple of his eye . A year married , came Thomas , their now 5 years old little boy . But that success came with a price . The last few months , Zeke was growing nervous . Anxious . Afraid , even . He started psychologist appointments . He didn 't think these appointments were necessary . Though he was living with Lisa and Thomas , he spent so much time with Richard and Zack talking about his issues that he thought the appointments were meaningless . " You demonstrate strong symptoms of kakorrhaphiophobia " , said the psychologist after some sessions . The fast ascension brought a proportional fear of losing it all . Day by day , week by week , the fear became unbearable . Lisa watched him wither away . When they were lying in their bed , she 'd curl up in his chest : - It 's nothing , dear … Don 't worry . - He 'd hug her tightly . She would sleep profoundly in his arms . He 'd spend the night shaking from the inside . The fear of losing his business . The fear of not being able to pick up a job . The fear of not being able to provide for her and their son . The fear of losing her . Business started to fail . One by one , his customers would change to other suppliers . Conversations with Lisa began to disappear . His talks with Richard and Zack were filled with his loss of customers . He felt going in a downward spiral with nothing to break his fall . Lisa was spending more and more time out during the day , when he couldn 't watch her . One day , Zeke snapped . He went home earlier , and not to his amazement , Lisa wasn 't there . Thomas would only get out of the kindergarten in an hour or so , and Lisa would pick him up and come home . He waited , holding and sipping his glass of bourbon . Click . Finally , she had arrived . She noticed the door was unlocked . - So you want to know what I 've been doing these days ? - She smiled . - I 've got great n - She didn 't finish the sentence as he hit her head with his bourbon bottle . Lisa woke up lying in their bed . Thomas was crying . She felt her head ache and the blood flooding out of the bruise . She was tied by her hands and her feet to the bed . Zeke came into the room quickly , with a knife in his hand . He stood next to her . - I won 't lose you . - he said breathing heavily - If I can 't keep you , no one can . - And he pulled her head back and cut her throat . A spirt of blood stained him . Suddenly a cry came out of Thomas 's room . Without a second thought , Zeke went in and gave his son the same treatment he did to his wife . When he got out of the room he noticed a paper coming out of Lisa 's purse . It was a contract . For a big lawyers ' firm nearby . She 'd start working there next week . " That would be the great news " , he thought . - To the Mermaid 's Song . Now . - he said to Zack and Richard , the latter still looking at Zeke with disdain . As soon as he got out of the building , a young boy - he couldn 't be more than 5 - joined the party . His drug of choice was Heroin . It came in these tiny purple baggies , stamped with the words , " Pretty Penny " on the front . " Look for the purple stuff , " he said to me once , " that 's the good shit . " He was always telling me about the good shit . Scott had big dreams of being a writer someday . Every time he got high he 'd say to me , " Ellis , man , I 'm like fucking William Burroughs , that mother fucker was like a genius . " He felt a kinship to the author who also struggled with heroin , and still managed to write Scott 's favorite book , Naked Lunch . In high school he carried it around until it was dog eared , and the front cover went missing . He would sit at lunch and scrawl story ideas all over it . But Scott couldn 't put together more than a few pages of his own writings before giving up ; he was a chronic quitter - except when it came to heroin . I didn 't know what drove Scott down his destructive road , what pain he held inside that cost him his life . He never talked about it , and I never asked . We were both lost , and looking for something neither one of us could identify ; and for a time we thought we found the answers in our friendship . I met Scott when we were 11 , I just moved to the neighborhood , and he thought it 'd be funny to run over my feet with his bicycle , then he sped off laughing . But Scott didn 't expect that I 'd get on my bike , chase him down and enact my revenge ; we were inseparable after that day . Scott 's mother died when he was 3 , and he never had much of a relationship with his father . He wasn 't a rebellious son , he seemed to love his dad , but he just couldn 't find any words to say to him . There were the rumors around school that his dad was abusive , or an alcoholic , or a fucking CIA operative who had Scott 's mother killed . These stories ran the gamut , and Scott laughed at all of them , but he didn 't reveal then , the real reasons behind their strained relationship . We called his dad Scott The Elder , and on those rare occasions when I saw him , he was nice , but suspicious of us both . He was usually on the phone , or on his way to the hospital - he was a pediatric surgeon . When he 'd leave , Scott and I would order pizza , and watch movies until sunrise . I miss those days . For as long as I can remember , Scott dabbled in drugs of some kind . Eventually his drinking gave way to pot , which gave way to whatever substance would alter his mood , or make him forget . Soon he was high or drunk more than he was sober . That 's when we started fighting , that 's when the cracks in our already fragile friendship started to show ; and just before I left for college , Scott started hanging around a really skeezy crowd ; after that I only saw him occasionally . Maybe if I had been more present in his life , it might 've ended differently for him … maybe . Scott turned to his muse heroin more and more , but the day before I was leaving for college he showed up out of the blue , with a gift . It was the Stone Temple Pilots CD Purple , he handed it to me and said , " This is the kind of Purple shit I thought you 'd enjoy . " That 's still one of my favorite albums . I loved Scott so much … still do . I returned home from college a year ago , and when I saw Scott , he didn 't even look like that cute boy with the reddish brown hair and adorable freckles anymore . He was emaciated , dirty , his eyes were deep in the sockets , and his teeth barely hung on for dear life . He found me , Scott always had a way of finding me , at my apartment downtown . My mom told me that he had gone downhill , but I didn 't expect it would be that bad . He handed me a letter , said not to read it , to wait until he was better . " Promise me Ellis that you won 't read it until I 've got my shit together . " I made that promise and tucked the letter away in my closet ; but Scott never got better . He died that night . I will never forgive myself for not reading the letter sooner ; maybe I could 've helped him , maybe he 'd still be alive . But the truth was , I couldn 't wait for him to leave , I couldn 't bare looking at him the way he was . He was found in some rundown house , known as a place where junkies went and did their thing . Those little purple baggies were sprawled out all around him ; in the end , they were the only friends he had left . I wasn 't able to read his letter until after the funeral , no one came except me and my parents , even Scott 's father didn 't attend . The letter said : Was it inevitable that Scott would end up like this ? His certainty did nothing to lessen the guilt I felt , and will probably always feel . I put on the Stone Temple Pilots CD he gave me and cried . The thin , shriveled woman was finally on her journey and she was afraid . In her mid - 60s , she was practically all alone in the world . Her two daughters were married into two far flung villages . For two decades , she wanted to make a pilgrimage to a temple which was roughly 100 kilometers from her village and will take a little more than a day to reach . Over the years , she saved every single paisa to make this journey happen . She made straw baskets , gathered wild reed to make brooms out of , collected ripe tamarind pods in the season to pound them into pulp and all these she would sell at the weekly village market . It was years since she had two meals a day . Gifting her daughters with money or clothes was beyond her means . And that was precisely the reason that their in - laws and the husbands mostly refused to send them home . They barely visited her at the beginning of every year for the harvest festival . Today , sitting in the bus , she was afraid . Her dream to make this journey was fraught with risk , in her mind . She was carrying two hundred rupees - a large sum for her . She tied it at the end of her dupatta ( stole ) and pushed it down the inside of her arm . The small bundle she was carrying held one change of clothes and two dry rotis ( bread ) along with a dollop of dry chilli pickle packed tightly in the wild teak leaves . She climbed into the bus and sat in the front row next to the window . There were a few passengers already seated towards the back . Eventually , more people boarded though none sat next to her . Three rowdy looking teenagers climbed in and one sat next to her and two behind her . She tried to ignore them and started chanting the name of the lord whose temple she would be visiting soon . The bus did not leave for another one hour and when it did , the old woman immediately closed her eyes and prayed . The route to her destination was through mountain roads and she was well aware of the dangers on the way . Soon , her prayer turned into chanting ' I hope nothing goes wrong ' , ' Let not the bus fall down the mountain ' . At the first pit stop near the foothills of the mountains , almost all the passengers got down but she refused to . The rowdy boys returned and gave her menacing looks . There was no one else in the bus . Just at that moment , the conductor returned . Seeing him , the youngsters moved out again . She sighed with relief . The bus started and moved slowly up the mountain . The narrow road was missing in large patches and the last monsoon had eroded precious concrete and had created huge potholes . The woman did not dare look outside her window down the mountain out of her fear . She repeated over and over ' Let not the bus fall down the mountain ' . At one point , the bus stopped right at the edge of the road giving way to a stream of jeeps and cars coming from the opposite side . She made the mistake of opening her eyes and she froze at how precariously the bus stood . She squeezed her eyes shut and now prayed aloud ' Let not the bus fall down the mountain ' . The rowdy youngster shouted in her ear , " You old hag , stop saying that or we may actually fall down the mountain and die " and laughed out loud . Hearing her worst fear verbalized , the old woman broke into cold sweat . The bus moved again after what felt like ages . Her agony increased by the moment and now she started cursing herself for having undertaken this journey in the first place . The conductor , in the meantime , switched on the tape recorder . Bold film songs with raunchy lyrics streamed out and the boys next to her started singing loudly and off - tune . With each bump on the ghat road , the songs changed the scale and the speed . Nothing bothered the woman . Her prayer continued loud too , though now it was drowned in the music . Evening started to fall and long shadows fell onto the road . Still it was too early to switch on the headlights . Once again , the bus paused by the muddy shoulder on the side of the road so that another bus could pass . The old woman squeezed her eyes shut once again and prayed loudly ' Let not the bus fall down the mountain ' . The narrow road was too tight for two buses to cross each other . The opposite bus almost scraped its side against the mountain . The old woman was now beyond frozen and stood up in her fear because she could see that the driver of the bus had inched a step or two towards the cliff to make more space for the other bus . The old woman was now shouting out her chant . The bus crawled another inch towards the cliff . The situation made everyone nervous . Even the rowdy youngsters fell silent and stared down the windows on the other side to watch the scraping metal of the two buses . Though it looked impossible , the bus tried to move a little more . A little slip and the left front tyre kissed the air . With its balance lost , the bus went down in a free fall , as pre - empted by the old woman . The whole bus erupted into loud screams . People and things fell onto each other , crushing and twisting everything . The bus turned over a couple of times and scraped and slid down the rocky face . Those who remained conscious continued to scream and cry out loud . The mutilated bus stilled at an angle from the rocky wall . Some people had their spines broken , others had their limbs broken . The old woman , crushed between the window and unconscious people , opened her eyes . She felt a twinge of something and a question flashed in her mind - did I bring this on ? I was searching for her , and finally found her . She was with some beggars and looked half crazed ; in fact some would call her mad . I didn 't want to think she had gone that far . I made a sign to another beggar woman , " Please take the money and give it to the green sari lady . " She was tapped on the shoulder . Kalavati turned and saw me . She threw the money down and the others grabbed it . She spat on the ground , all the time staring at me . Then she laughed loudly . People from the other vehicles were staring at me oddly , but I didn 't care . I knew I deserved it . Her hatred was all I would get from her , yet I sought forgiveness . I had sinned by treating her like a beggar . But this wasn 't my first … Chris and I met at the boarding school where I was being bullied and he stopped them . From then on we were good friends . I had joined the boarding late , after my mother died . Then on , we were together always . We studied together , played basket ball , football and sat together in class . After that , we joined college ; me in law and he - Engineering . We fell for the same woman . Only she fell for Chris and that was that . And soon they were to wed and I was chosen as best man . Who else ? I got a tuxedo tailored . Chris lived in Worli and it was an hour 's travel from my place . I was fighting a major case during this period , for a boy charged with rape and murder and I knew he was innocent . I had checked all the witnesses and questioned them , and all I could see that these boys tried to make him part of their evil deed , but he refused , so they kicked him out of the bus , only to pull him back again a few metres away . He was unconscious and unaware of anything that took place then , but they blamed him . I knew I had a solid case , and the prosecution 's witnesses backtracked and kept changing their statements . They were weak and I knew I would walk away with victory . I had an intern working with me and he was thoroughly briefed to handle the case . The wedding fell on the day the final judgment would be , and I was in a dilemma . I grilled the intern , Krish , and he seemed confident enough . I knew he would handle the sum up , and highlight how and why Raja was innocent . I had to reach Worli and was excited . I took my car , put my tux in the back and then called my intern and once more gave him the brief . I felt a little fear in his voice , and reprimanded him . " We have come so far , now you just have to take it to the finale . " And I zoomed off . I was late and the ring was with me . Suddenly a car swerved from another lane . The crowds and the police questioned us and warned the errant driver . I was already half an hour late . I drove as fast as possible . I had reached the church and switched my mobile to silent . I was flushed and hoped all was well . But the scene that greeted me was a mirror of contrast . The wedding was over , the couple danced together , and then Chris saw me and was red with anger . Without giving me a chance he started shouting . " Karan , you 're my best man and you delay , when we have to vacate the premises in an hour , what was I to do ? There 's another wedding after an hour … " I removed the ring from my pocket , and gave it to him , then walked back to my car . He was my friend he should have know that once I made a promise I wouldn 't break it . But right now he was hindered by anger . He shouted , " Stop , Don 't leave , please . " I waited for a while . I told him that my gut feeling told me to go back . Something was amiss . I rushed back to the court and the boy 's mother said : I was silent . I had no right to say a word . " Let 's go and see the boy we will appeal in Supreme Court . I will do everything in my power . " The mother was there and she was sitting on the floor crying . The boy had committed suicide . I stared in shock . I had . I could have attended the reception later , but I was excited to be at my friend 's wedding , forgetting my duties . My client was dead , and I was guilty . I would always be . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
I want to start off by saying that all of this story is true . Its written as it was lived . I changed the names to protect the secrets of those written here . I wanted the story to start with the losing of my virginity because of what it meant to me that day . I loved her more than anyone in my whole life . I wanted to tell that story before telling the rest of the story . After what 's to come it may change your persepsion of the prologue . I hope it doesn 't because she is my life and always was . This story is about my love for Katie . One : That when it comes down to it both sexes really don 't understand what the others go through during puberty . I attribute this to the fact that there are so many questions are hard to ask someone and even harder to answer honestly . I mean who really wants to talk about the most embarrassing moments of childhood ? Two : Most of the problems I had during that time can all be traced back to constant masturbation . With out anyone to talk to I had to take this journey on my own . Hiding and ashamed thinking there was something wrong with me . I have to start this story at puberty because with out going through what I did in that time period I would never have met Katie . I can 't speak for all guys out there but for me it all started with that dumb ass song . I was 12 years old when that song started playing on the radio . Now keep in mind that when I was 12 it was the 1980s and we didn 't have the internet yet . Meaning we didn 't have very easy access to the amount of pornography that is abundant today . In my time we had to get by on what we could find and what our imagination could fill in to get our selves off . On that note when I was 12 they started playing the song on the radio . It was a slow song sang by the queen of pop , in which she sings about justifying sex . I don 't want to say any titles for fear of lawsuit but hopefully you can get which one I 'm talking about from that clue . Any way I was smack dab in the middle of that lovely time period for boys when you start getting spontaneous erections and you don 't yet know how to control them . For some unknown reason that song would get my motor running . I don 't know what it was about it for sure , just that her voice would cause me to BOING , as it were . It wasn 't like that was the only time I would get them it would happen in class or when watching tv at home , or when it was generally most inconvenient as possible . The only time I could predict when they would come was with that song playing . That didn 't make any sense to me either , I didn 't find that pop whore attractive at all . The boys at school had shown me a picture of her topless once and I didn 't really find her attractive . At that point in my life I had a huge crush on me step mom 's cousin 's daughter . Her name was Beth and she was 11 years old . I wasn 't into older women I was just fine with girls my own age like Beth . So yet again I don 't know why that song had such power over me . Beth was the only girl I had ever really been into at that time . I liked girls but I didn 't find many I really wanted to try to be with . I was to shy anyway . I didn 't think I had the nerve to ask one out if I wanted to . I think that 's why I hung on to the idea of liking Beth . I would never be aloud to date her because we were considered family . In the early days I would pop up and I didn 't know what to do . I would sit where ever and hope know one would notice . I would cross my legs and try to think of something else . These were some of the worst times of my life . If you only got erections when sitting alone in the dark then it wouldn 't be life . Life has to kick you when it 's most inconvenient . I 'd be sitting in class and a the girl next to me would be wearing a skirt and that 's all it would take for lift off . But everyone has heard that story before of the poor boy called to the black board while trying to suppress himself . But it 's worst then that . It would happen while watching tv with your grand parents . It would happen in church . It would happen at the super market . It would happen at the park or the movies . It would happen to some boys in the locker room . Luckily that wasn 't me . What the other boys did to that kid was bad . That 's another thing , the other boys would prank you if you popped up in the locker room but they would also harass you mercilessly for being to small . Again I 'm glad I wasn 't that boy either . What they did to him was almost as bad . With things popping up all the time it was almost like living in fear . I was on guard all the time . I didn 't want anyone to know it was happening . My parents didn 't really talk to me about sex , so at first I didn 't really know why it was happening . All I really knew about sex was that the guy puts his into hers . From there it was all a big mystery . My step mom was catholic and sex was not a topic of conversation . When anything was ever spoken in our house it was talked about from her as if it was an evil act and you were a bad person for doing it . When it first started happening I was trying to figured out what was wrong with me and what was causing it . I thought if I could figure out what I was doing wrong that it would stop happening . Of course that didn 't work . One day after school I was watching video 's on the local music channel and the video for that stupid song came on . I went into full lift off in a way that I hadn 't before . I sat there unable to change the channel and staring at the screen the whole time trying to make it go away . It wouldn 't . I was upset that slut pop star was half naked in this video and it was that song . As much as I didn 't like her the video was sexy and we didn 't have porn access then . You had to take what you could get . After 20 minutes my erection was still strong as ever . I knew my family would be home soon , there was no way I could get caught with this going on . My step mom would want to know what I had been watching and doing . She would assume that I had been being bad and I would be in trouble . Getting desperate I unzipped my pants and tried to push on it . Ok I understand how ridiculous that sounds but I really did at the time think that pushing on it would do something . I had grown up thinking it wasn 't ok to touch yourself at all . I should say with only two exceptions if I was peeing or cleaning it with in the bath . I literally thought I would get in trouble if some one found out that I touched it . So it 's not a exaggeration that I literally never touched myself at all . It sounds so laughable now but I thought that pushing on it that day would get me in trouble . However I didn 't know what I was doing and I started pushing it down hoping it would go away . I didn 't want anyone to come home while I was tenting my pants . I wasn 't sure what I thought the reaction would be I was just scared . As I was pushing on it I realized that I was bigger then I had ever seen myself . That was weird , looking at it in that state really for the first time . It felt weird looking at it . I started having a weird felling as I was pushing on it , not knowing why I began to rub it a little . It felt really good . I was sitting there rubbing it and feeling really ashamed at the same time . I really felt in my head that I was doing something wrong . I was in such a bad person for touching it , but I couldn 't stop . After a couple minutes I tried putting my hand around it . This felt better but there was something still not quite right about it . I was sitting there stroking it for the first time feeling better then I had felt before yet inside I was upset . I felt guilty for liking the feeling . I mean I really felt guilty and started getting jumpy . I froze every time I heard a noise . I knew about ejaculate only in the sense that 's what made babies . I wasn 't ready for it the first time . I popped out on my hand and it was over . I sat there for less then a minute before the guilt overtook me . OH MY GOD what did I just do ? Trying not to get my own stuff on me I zipped up one handed and ran to the kitchen , I was still washing my hands when my step mom came home . I was so guilty that I couldn 't look at her all night . I felt like if I looked at her she would know and I would get in trouble for touching it . I would be belt whipped and grounded not to mention the embarrassment of her knowing . If she knew she would look down on me forever . I was so ashamed about what I had done that over the next couple weeks I would get erections and I went back to crossing my legs and preying they went away . It was a few weeks after the first time I had stoked myself , that the parents had gone away for the weekend . I got left at a friends house because they felt I was to young to be left home for 48 hours alone . I was awake in the middle of the night when I turned on the tv keeping the volume as low as possible . The family had cable with a cable box , this was something cool to me because we didn 't get all the extra channels . I know some of you already know where this is going but some pay channels show soft core porn movies in the middle of the night . On this particular night they were showing a skin flick . The movie was some poorly written peace of crap that had a number of girls running around half naked . I hadn 't seen anything like this before . I was hard in an instant , drooling on myself . I was embarrassed because I was at someone else 's house and I didn 't want them to walk in . I started caressing myself with out thinking , I reached into my pants and started stroking it . Looking at real boobs it only took a minute . I was feeling guilty and ashamed more then ever but a light bulb went off in my head . I realized two things at that moment . One , that it felt good and no one needed to know as long as I could hide it . Two , that jerking it made it go away right away . I hadn 't realized that the first time because I had already been erect for 20 minutes before I started stroking the first time , and I had felt so ashamed when it was over that it hadn 't clued in . These revelations were both a blessing and a curse . The blessing came in the form of sexual relief , the curse was the fact that now I wasn 't just getting spontaneous erections all the time , I was now masturbating all the time . My guilt and shame were so strong that I felt like I was going to get found out any minute and in my mind that would be the end of the world . But I still couldn 't stop now . When I say I was doing it all the time , I mean ALL the time . This was a really big summer for that dumb ass song , and considering that the song was tied into my first time with myself it really set off my erections . When I say all the time I 'm not exaggerating . It started out every day after school from the time I got home until my family got home from work . Then moved on to after school and in bed at night . That was taking a big risk , doing it with other people in the house could get me caught . I would be quiet in my room and freak out if I heard some one start walking around . By the end of the summer it became when ever I was alone in a room and thought I could get away with it . I had some really close calls . One afternoon my step mom just walked into my room a few seconds after I had just tucked myself back into my shorts . I literally still had the cum on my hand as the door opened . I slid my hand under my pillow and wiped it off with her yapping at me about what ever she was pissy about that day . From there I started taking more risks . For some reason the feeling of cuming started becoming more important then getting caught . Don 't get me wrong I was still mortified by the idea that someone would find out . I still felt guilty and ashamed about it but I still couldn 't stop taking bigger risks . I really don 't know how I didn 't get caught . Just dumb luck and loose shorts . The risks started out small . I was in our fenced back yard one after noon listening to the radio and that song came on . I sat in the lawn chair and did it out in the open in the back yard . That became a regular thing when the parents weren 't home . I mean I could have been caught by anyone looking through a knot hole in the wood . Eventually I would do this even if the parents were home . I could hear them walking and thought could pull my shorts leg down really fast if they came outside . From there I moved on to jerking it in public . It was the next natural step in some ways . It started once when I was waiting in the car at the super market and the song came on the radio . I got hard really fast . I looked around the car really quickly to make sure no one was standing right outside , unzipped my pants . I pulled myself completely out and started jerking it right there . I was so scared and thrilled at the same time . I was doing it in public and it felt so good . It only took a couple minutes because of the fear of getting caught . I finished and looked up to see my parents walking out of the store at that moment . I was a 12 year old monster , out of control and insane . My risks were large , my shame was huge and I couldn 't stop . I hated myself for this . I really thought I had some kind of sick problem because I couldn 't stop . Now this is the point of all this , I didn 't have anyone I felt I could talk to . I couldn 't tell anyone I was doing this . How do you talk to some one about something like that ? Who would understand ? I mean this is something forbidden and taboo , I could never admit to another single person that I did this . I really thought at the time no body else did it themselves . At least not good normal people . So with no understanding things just progressed worse and I had to live with myself as bad as I was . If I was out in public shopping I often would slip away from my step mom and pretend that I was trying on clothes so I could go into a changing room and jerk myself right there in the store . It was thrilling on some level to hear the people in the store talking and they had no idea what I was doing in the booth . As I became 13 things didn 't slow down . I had learned to live with it . I no longer felt guilty or ashamed by it anymore , yet it was still my biggest secret and fear of getting found out . I had just come to the realization that I wasn 't going to stop . As bad of a person as it made me and I was becoming . I just rolled with it and continued taking bigger risks . It moved on to things like doing it while sitting alone at a bench at the park . I was sitting by myself watching this girl about my age in the distance , she was pretty but it was the fact that she was wearing shorts and had tan legs that had my attention . I was in the party pavilion which was a covered area with benches , four short walls with open corners and about four or five barbeques . I was behind a short wall watching her through the gap . I was hard looking at her . This wasn 't the first time just looking at a girl made me hard but this time being all alone I just pulled back my shorts leg and started stroking . When I was done I sat there and looked at her a while longer . I left before anyone could walk up and find me there . I would like to say that the worst risk I ever took was the day at the moves . I was at a PG13 movie one afternoon the theater was almost empty and I was sitting not in the back row but behind everyone else there . During the film a naked girl walks out of the water . I as always was wearing my shorts . I looked around and everyone was watching the screen , I pulled my shorts leg back and did it right there during the movie with people in the room . But it was dark and the movie was load . I was unstoppable on my way to getting caught . The worst of them when I was 13 started while I was walking through a toy store . I had gone out with my step mom to look for a birthday present for some little kid . I slipped away from her to look around the place on my own when that dumb ass song came on . I thought , really their playing that in a toy store ? I was getting worked up I began walking to the back of the store to knock it out in a restroom when I saw the girl from the park weeks earlier . I recognized her right off . She so beautiful every much as when I had seen her the first time . She was wearing shorts and a tank top . Her breasts were just beginning to come in and the cold air made her nipples hard and I could see them through her shirt . Up close I could see that she had the smoothest legs of any girl I had ever met . From both the song and the fact that I was looking at the only girl I had directly ever jerked it to , I didn 't mean to but I went from getting worked up to completely popping up right there . I looked down at myself for just a second thinking , oh not now . I saw her look down too and I was so embarrassed I slowly started walking away I really needed to find the restroom now . I went to the back corner of the store only to find no rest room there I turned around and looked up to see she was standing a couple of feet in front of me . I was petrified at first I was sticking up in my shorts and she had followed me to the back corner . She looked at me , her face red from understanding and embarrassment . I certainty was too . I don 't know what possessed me to do it but I pulled up the leg of my shorts and exposed myself for a second to her right there . She turned completely red but didn 't look away instead she pulled her tank top down so I could see her small breast and hard nipple for just a second . This just made me go harder . I reached down pulling my shorts leg up again but not just showing her this time I started to stroke myself for her . She turned even redder . I wasn 't even looking around to see if an adult was in view I was just looking at her and doing the one thing I kept most private in the world . " You can touch it , " I squeaked out . She tentatively came to me and touched it lightly . Being that it was the first time I was ever touched by a girl even just her touching it with her fingers I came on her tank top . " EWWWWW " she said whipping her shirt and running away . It was only really then that I realized again where I was and what I had done . I ran off as fast as I could before she could bring back and adult . For the first time in a long while the guilt and shame came back to me . I realized just how out of control I had gotten . The whole thing could have gone so much worse . I was lucky I didn 't get caught . I was lucky I wasn 't arrested . All my fears of this being wrong came back to me again . I was ashamed of myself and the fact that I really was some kind of pervert deviant . I didn 't do it again at all for at least a week . I wanted to stop it all together and be a good person again . One who didn 't touch himself . One who didn 't take all these risks to get caught . But as things go I couldn 't hold out forever and I started again . Only this time I stopped taking such big risks . I only did it now at home by myself living with the shame and guilt quietly . Still having no one to talk to it affected my whole life thinking that there was something wrong with me . It wasn 't long after that , that I turned 14 that was the year of creativity . I call it that because as I said I had stopped taking risks but I moved into another phase . That time period was the object phase . I searched my house for anything round and about the right size that I could stick it in and still feel good . I don 't exaggerate when I say I tried everything round . This is the time period when some boys will go so far as to use the vacuum cleaner . I heard tails of that when I got older I was just never that guy . Not that the thought had never hit me but for one the hose was to small and I was actually afraid of the suction . But flashlights , tubes , piggy banks , toys , holes in the couch , bottles and generally anything I could stick my dick into were all violated . It started at my house but progressed on to other 's houses too . My grandmother had a guest bed that was decoratively carved that had holes carved though the foot board . I found out that one of the holes worked perfect . I 'm guessing it was in this phase that my cousin was caught naked in his room with the dog . Yet again I 'm glad I wasn 't that guy . I 'm very happy I never went that road . I 've lost track of all the things I tried that year , because it was a lot of stuff . And talk about fear of getting caught , every time I stuck it in that bed frame I was so worried about some one finding me there with my dick in the wood . I guess it 's not as bad as getting caught with a dog but still I 'd would 've lost it if someone walked in on that . The problem was most round objects were either to small or to big . I could never find anything the right size that felt completely good except the holes in that damn bed frame . The down side to that is that was I had to hang out at my grandmothers to get it . I wanted so bad to find that one object that was perfect and it never happened . That was the same year my father broke up with my step mom . She had cheated on him with his best friend and we moved across town and he started a new job . After all her talk about the evils of sex she banged his best friend . Now that 's what I call irony . I never understood what they saw in each other in the first place . My father had been a player until my mother died when I was 4 . I had never met him and when she died he had showed up and taken custody . As far as we knew then I was an only child so finding out he had a child had changed his life . He had married my step mom when I was 6 . From day one they were opposites . She dragged us off to church and ran the house with an iron fist . After breaking up with my step mom we stopped going to church and I hardly saw him anymore . He went back into full time dating . I was home alone so much that I had to learn to cook just so there was something to eat . I would come home often to find cash and a note saying he would be back later . At first I would use the money to go get fast food but after a couple months I started using it for groceries and doing the shopping myself . It gave me plenty of time to experiment during the year of creativity . That 's also why I spent so much time at my grandmothers house . With him gone for whole weekends I would get dumped there . I would act like I was mad that I was stuck there on the weekend again , playing the annoyed kid routine . Then every night it was the same thing I would listen for her to go to bed . When I could hear the snoring through the door , I would go around to the foot board and spend half the night with that rounded wood hole . When I was 15 I had slowly began to take risks again . After spending the last year humping everything in sight I was frustrated with not being successful with finding a portable object so I went back to using my old friend , my hand . I would only take risks in public where ever I thought it was safe . Places like the woods or public bathrooms or changing rooms . It would be years again before I would do it at a park , parking lot or movie theaters . The girl in the toy store that day was the one and only focus of my mental fantasizes . I had progressed to at least once in the morning shower , once after school and once right before bed . That was if my dad was home . It was more if he wasn 't . It would be some days as often as once an hour when I could . At this point in my life just doing it didn 't work alone anymore , so I would have to close my eyes and tink about a scenario to get off . It was always her in my head . The one girl who had ever seen it or touched it . The only real live boob I had ever seen , even though she didn 't have much more than a nipple then . The two things combined had carried me some times up to 12 a day over two years . It was six months after my parents broke up that I went with my father to a wedding . I was so disgusted with him at that point in my life I really didn 't want to spend any time around him . So I was at the reception and I was bored out of my mind . The wedding was for some co worker of my Dad 's named John who was getting married at his parents farm house . The farm was huge consisting of a main house and an couple of different sized barns spread out in different areas of the property . A gigantic tent was put up to hold the wedding and reception . This was done mainly to keep people out of the small house . The party mainly hung out in the tent or around it . I was wandering around outside the party tent when that dumb ass song came on . I could feel myself lifting off . I headed for the far side of the property I would go around the barn where no one else seemed to be . I was going to take care of business really quickly . I rounded the corner and it happened again . She was standing there , the girl from the store . I was so shocked I actually lost my erection . She was smoking a cigarette and trying to hide from the wedding party . She had changed a little , her breasts had come in more and she had gotten taller , but it was her . She was dressed in a beautiful red dress with her hair done up so a few strands fell across her face . I was stunned I almost hopped she didn 't recognize me , this could end bad . " It 's you , the toy store boy . " she said slyly . " Don 't try to explain . It would ruin it . I 'm old enough to get it . You thought I was hot and you got hard . Your not the last boy to do that . " " No they don 't , " She laughed , " They want to I 'm sure , but they don 't . " She smiled at me and I started to loose my embarrassment . There was an awkward silence and looking at her I began to get hard again in my rented suit . She smiled as she noticed my arousal . " Shhhh . " she whispered . Her mouth next to my ear , " I 've never . . . . . . . . . you know , gone all the way . But I have done this , " She said kissing me softly . She reached down slowly unzipped my pants and pulling me out . " Uuck , I hate that part . I told you to warn me . " She wasn 't really angry as she turned and spit . She stood up again and lit another cigarette . She then reached over and zipped me up again . I was in shock I tried to get some words out but . . . . . . . She smiled at me and told me that the time in the toy store was the first time she had seen a boy hard and it had done something to her . It made her curious . It made her want to try to make other boys hard . It made her want to do more then touch a boy . She started dating this guy a couple years older then her who ended up forcing her to go down on him . She actually liked it but didn 't like the guy for making her do it before she was ready . After he tried to force her to have sex she dumped him . Since then she had played around with just virgin boys because she kind of liked giving head and because they were always so grateful never trying to force her to do more . But she said she would only do it once or twice with each them before moving on . She explained that after a couple times they would push for more and she wasn 't ready for more so she moved on . The way that she had took care of me had felt really good . I felt it would be disrespectful to ask how many of these encounters she had , had . But I was curious . " That 's not all , " she said looking down almost ashamed , " I 've thought about you and that day in the store so many times . I mean I should have been disgusted that day . I should have told some one . But for some reason I was flattered , and I was just as curious as you were bold at that moment . I should have been mad but it . . . . . . . turned me on . " She said the last words quietly . " I don 't know what it was in that moment but I felt it to . I wanted to touch it the moment I noticed your shorts lifting up , I think that 's why I followed you in the store . I don 't know how but I knew something was going to happen . Then you did what you did . I was in shock . I touched you , I was so hot and wanted to touch one . In my mind I was actually curious to know what it would feel like inside me too . Then you came on my shirt . I freaked out and ran away . " " Tonight when I saw you it was like you walked out of my head and I was curious about you again and I didn 't want to miss out this time , " she stopped to finish her cigarette . " Thank you , " I said to her , unzipping my pants again and pulling myself out . Timidly I asked , " Can I have another chance ? " She smiled up at me for a moment before sucking me again . This time as I hoped it lasted a little longer . Were not talking hours longer but it was at least a good few minute longer this time . " Just keep that in mind when your with a girl , it 's nice to tell them , " she scolded as she lit a 3rd cigarette . We talked about basically nothing for another 2 hours and she had a couple more cigarettes in that time . She said that she usually didn 't smoke that much but she wasn 't having the best day . She explained that her mom was the brides sister and she hated her new uncle . She claimed that he had hit on her repeatedly since she was 15 . Being which I was only now 15 it made me wonder just how much older them me she was . She had been really glad I came along , seeing me again and being able to fulfill one of her longest fantasies had made her day . Finally she said that we should rejoin the party . I was sad to see our time together come to a close . I didn 't know if I would ever see her again . She pulled out another cigarette saying she was going to have one more and join the party . I leaned in and kissed her before she could light it . It had been a couple hours since she gave me head and I wanted one last kiss before leaving . She kissed me back . We stood there kissing heavy and I pulled down the top of her dress exposing her breasts . I pulled away long enough to look at her breasts before kissing her more heavily and rubbing them with my hand . I pushed her up against the barn wall and lifted up the bottom of her dress . This was hot and passionate and I was losing my mind . I slipped my hand inside her panties and my finger inside her . She moaned and grabbed my hand guiding it to touch the right spots . I couldn 't believe this was real . I couldn 't believe it was really her . We were kissing and I had my hands on her boob and pussy after getting head ! I was waiting to wake up , I just hopped that it wouldn 't happen before we could finish this dream . I was burning I took my hand out of her and unzipped my pants . I moved forward lifted her up against the wall and got as far as my penis touching her through her panties . Doing my best not to pop before I could get it in , I was about to pull her panties aside when she stopped me . " And yes before you ask I will get you one more time . " She smiled and spun me around so my back was to the wall this time . She went down on me again . After what had just happened it didn 't take long this time but I did manage to warn her . When it was done she picked up her dropped cigarette and lit it . As we walked back to the reception . I was actually light headed from the whole experience . The walk across the farm took a few minutes as it was a big place . Outside kitchen door to the house someone called to her . " I don 't expect you to get excited about that part , " He said equally flat , " But I guess when we broke up she didn 't know she was pregnant . You have a sister and I have a daughter . Isn 't that cool ? " My heart sank . I knew the rest of it before he said anything . Knowing my dad as I did I knew that he would have fucked her a few times then disappeared when another piece of ass came along . I 'd seen him do it repetitively over the last six months . He never stayed with one for long . I wouldn 't be surprised at all if I had 10 more sisters out there . It was then what he had said a minute ago came screaming into my head . Didn 't the girl say that her mom was the sister if the bride ? But what are the odds ? This didn 't mean she was my sister she could be the daughter of another sister of the bride right ? Unfortunately that is what this story is all about . My toy store girl came walking in a few minutes later . She smiled at me and winked . " Oh god no , " I thought to myself as she walked over and gave Lilly a hug . It was then she was introduced to my father and I as Lilly 's sister 's daughter Katie . We looked at each other horrified for a minute and It was all I could do to regain my composure . I played it off like I was just in shock of having a sister . This was wrong , so wrong . I found out Katie was 16 making her one year older then me . All I could think about was oh my god ! I just got head from my sister , three times and almost fucked her ! As soon as we could get away , we walked outside together to talk . We both were horrified by the realization that we were related . It was a while before we really spoke and when we did it was real talking . The kind of adult conversation I don 't think I had ever had with another person in my life to that point . She said the thought of it made her a little sick . I didn 't make her sick just the situation . She said we couldn 't do it again . " Well . . . . . . . . . , " I started , " It 's not like we live together . . . . . . . I understand your point . . . . . . I don 't know if I can think of you as a sister . . . . . . . " " Look , I can 't do it with my brother . I just can 't . Everything is weird now . My god I fingered myself to the thought of you , for two years ! " She said her face turning red , " And tonight . . . . . . . . . . " We talked more . She figured that since we had only ever run into each other a couple times that we could move past everything and it wouldn 't be to weird given time . We talked until it was time for us to leave . We talked about our likes and dislikes and movies and books . We found we had a lot of common interest and we enjoyed discussing books . We intentionally avoided the monkey in the room as it were and started our relationship as siblings . It was late when my dad came to find me . I hadn 't paid any attention to where he had been all night and when he found us talking he thought it was great that we were getting along already . He said it was time to leave and Katie gave me a quick and innocent hug good bye and said she had my number and would keep in touch . I rode home in silence that night . I really hated life right now . I had finally found her again only to have the whole thing taken away again . How could I ever think of her as my sister . There was just no way after that was there ? Read 26709 times | Note to the readers ; their is a slight wording mistake when Joey is introduced to Katie . It reads Lilly 's sister 's daughter . Its just supposed to say Lilly 's daughter . |
I want to start off by saying that all of this story is true . Its written as it was lived . I changed the names to protect the secrets of those written here . I wanted the story to start with the losing of my virginity because of what it meant to me that day . I loved her more than anyone in my whole life . I wanted to tell that story before telling the rest of the story . After what 's to come it may change your persepsion of the prologue . I hope it doesn 't because she is my life and always was . This story is about my love for Katie . One : That when it comes down to it both sexes really don 't understand what the others go through during puberty . I attribute this to the fact that there are so many questions are hard to ask someone and even harder to answer honestly . I mean who really wants to talk about the most embarrassing moments of childhood ? Two : Most of the problems I had during that time can all be traced back to constant masturbation . With out anyone to talk to I had to take this journey on my own . Hiding and ashamed thinking there was something wrong with me . I have to start this story at puberty because with out going through what I did in that time period I would never have met Katie . I can 't speak for all guys out there but for me it all started with that dumb ass song . I was 12 years old when that song started playing on the radio . Now keep in mind that when I was 12 it was the 1980s and we didn 't have the internet yet . Meaning we didn 't have very easy access to the amount of pornography that is abundant today . In my time we had to get by on what we could find and what our imagination could fill in to get our selves off . On that note when I was 12 they started playing the song on the radio . It was a slow song sang by the queen of pop , in which she sings about justifying sex . I don 't want to say any titles for fear of lawsuit but hopefully you can get which one I 'm talking about from that clue . Any way I was smack dab in the middle of that lovely time period for boys when you start getting spontaneous erections and you don 't yet know how to control them . For some unknown reason that song would get my motor running . I don 't know what it was about it for sure , just that her voice would cause me to BOING , as it were . It wasn 't like that was the only time I would get them it would happen in class or when watching tv at home , or when it was generally most inconvenient as possible . The only time I could predict when they would come was with that song playing . That didn 't make any sense to me either , I didn 't find that pop whore attractive at all . The boys at school had shown me a picture of her topless once and I didn 't really find her attractive . At that point in my life I had a huge crush on me step mom 's cousin 's daughter . Her name was Beth and she was 11 years old . I wasn 't into older women I was just fine with girls my own age like Beth . So yet again I don 't know why that song had such power over me . Beth was the only girl I had ever really been into at that time . I liked girls but I didn 't find many I really wanted to try to be with . I was to shy anyway . I didn 't think I had the nerve to ask one out if I wanted to . I think that 's why I hung on to the idea of liking Beth . I would never be aloud to date her because we were considered family . In the early days I would pop up and I didn 't know what to do . I would sit where ever and hope know one would notice . I would cross my legs and try to think of something else . These were some of the worst times of my life . If you only got erections when sitting alone in the dark then it wouldn 't be life . Life has to kick you when it 's most inconvenient . I 'd be sitting in class and a the girl next to me would be wearing a skirt and that 's all it would take for lift off . But everyone has heard that story before of the poor boy called to the black board while trying to suppress himself . But it 's worst then that . It would happen while watching tv with your grand parents . It would happen in church . It would happen at the super market . It would happen at the park or the movies . It would happen to some boys in the locker room . Luckily that wasn 't me . What the other boys did to that kid was bad . That 's another thing , the other boys would prank you if you popped up in the locker room but they would also harass you mercilessly for being to small . Again I 'm glad I wasn 't that boy either . What they did to him was almost as bad . With things popping up all the time it was almost like living in fear . I was on guard all the time . I didn 't want anyone to know it was happening . My parents didn 't really talk to me about sex , so at first I didn 't really know why it was happening . All I really knew about sex was that the guy puts his into hers . From there it was all a big mystery . My step mom was catholic and sex was not a topic of conversation . When anything was ever spoken in our house it was talked about from her as if it was an evil act and you were a bad person for doing it . When it first started happening I was trying to figured out what was wrong with me and what was causing it . I thought if I could figure out what I was doing wrong that it would stop happening . Of course that didn 't work . One day after school I was watching video 's on the local music channel and the video for that stupid song came on . I went into full lift off in a way that I hadn 't before . I sat there unable to change the channel and staring at the screen the whole time trying to make it go away . It wouldn 't . I was upset that slut pop star was half naked in this video and it was that song . As much as I didn 't like her the video was sexy and we didn 't have porn access then . You had to take what you could get . After 20 minutes my erection was still strong as ever . I knew my family would be home soon , there was no way I could get caught with this going on . My step mom would want to know what I had been watching and doing . She would assume that I had been being bad and I would be in trouble . Getting desperate I unzipped my pants and tried to push on it . Ok I understand how ridiculous that sounds but I really did at the time think that pushing on it would do something . I had grown up thinking it wasn 't ok to touch yourself at all . I should say with only two exceptions if I was peeing or cleaning it with in the bath . I literally thought I would get in trouble if some one found out that I touched it . So it 's not a exaggeration that I literally never touched myself at all . It sounds so laughable now but I thought that pushing on it that day would get me in trouble . However I didn 't know what I was doing and I started pushing it down hoping it would go away . I didn 't want anyone to come home while I was tenting my pants . I wasn 't sure what I thought the reaction would be I was just scared . As I was pushing on it I realized that I was bigger then I had ever seen myself . That was weird , looking at it in that state really for the first time . It felt weird looking at it . I started having a weird felling as I was pushing on it , not knowing why I began to rub it a little . It felt really good . I was sitting there rubbing it and feeling really ashamed at the same time . I really felt in my head that I was doing something wrong . I was in such a bad person for touching it , but I couldn 't stop . After a couple minutes I tried putting my hand around it . This felt better but there was something still not quite right about it . I was sitting there stroking it for the first time feeling better then I had felt before yet inside I was upset . I felt guilty for liking the feeling . I mean I really felt guilty and started getting jumpy . I froze every time I heard a noise . I knew about ejaculate only in the sense that 's what made babies . I wasn 't ready for it the first time . I popped out on my hand and it was over . I sat there for less then a minute before the guilt overtook me . OH MY GOD what did I just do ? Trying not to get my own stuff on me I zipped up one handed and ran to the kitchen , I was still washing my hands when my step mom came home . I was so guilty that I couldn 't look at her all night . I felt like if I looked at her she would know and I would get in trouble for touching it . I would be belt whipped and grounded not to mention the embarrassment of her knowing . If she knew she would look down on me forever . I was so ashamed about what I had done that over the next couple weeks I would get erections and I went back to crossing my legs and preying they went away . It was a few weeks after the first time I had stoked myself , that the parents had gone away for the weekend . I got left at a friends house because they felt I was to young to be left home for 48 hours alone . I was awake in the middle of the night when I turned on the tv keeping the volume as low as possible . The family had cable with a cable box , this was something cool to me because we didn 't get all the extra channels . I know some of you already know where this is going but some pay channels show soft core porn movies in the middle of the night . On this particular night they were showing a skin flick . The movie was some poorly written peace of crap that had a number of girls running around half naked . I hadn 't seen anything like this before . I was hard in an instant , drooling on myself . I was embarrassed because I was at someone else 's house and I didn 't want them to walk in . I started caressing myself with out thinking , I reached into my pants and started stroking it . Looking at real boobs it only took a minute . I was feeling guilty and ashamed more then ever but a light bulb went off in my head . I realized two things at that moment . One , that it felt good and no one needed to know as long as I could hide it . Two , that jerking it made it go away right away . I hadn 't realized that the first time because I had already been erect for 20 minutes before I started stroking the first time , and I had felt so ashamed when it was over that it hadn 't clued in . These revelations were both a blessing and a curse . The blessing came in the form of sexual relief , the curse was the fact that now I wasn 't just getting spontaneous erections all the time , I was now masturbating all the time . My guilt and shame were so strong that I felt like I was going to get found out any minute and in my mind that would be the end of the world . But I still couldn 't stop now . When I say I was doing it all the time , I mean ALL the time . This was a really big summer for that dumb ass song , and considering that the song was tied into my first time with myself it really set off my erections . When I say all the time I 'm not exaggerating . It started out every day after school from the time I got home until my family got home from work . Then moved on to after school and in bed at night . That was taking a big risk , doing it with other people in the house could get me caught . I would be quiet in my room and freak out if I heard some one start walking around . By the end of the summer it became when ever I was alone in a room and thought I could get away with it . I had some really close calls . One afternoon my step mom just walked into my room a few seconds after I had just tucked myself back into my shorts . I literally still had the cum on my hand as the door opened . I slid my hand under my pillow and wiped it off with her yapping at me about what ever she was pissy about that day . From there I started taking more risks . For some reason the feeling of cuming started becoming more important then getting caught . Don 't get me wrong I was still mortified by the idea that someone would find out . I still felt guilty and ashamed about it but I still couldn 't stop taking bigger risks . I really don 't know how I didn 't get caught . Just dumb luck and loose shorts . The risks started out small . I was in our fenced back yard one after noon listening to the radio and that song came on . I sat in the lawn chair and did it out in the open in the back yard . That became a regular thing when the parents weren 't home . I mean I could have been caught by anyone looking through a knot hole in the wood . Eventually I would do this even if the parents were home . I could hear them walking and thought could pull my shorts leg down really fast if they came outside . From there I moved on to jerking it in public . It was the next natural step in some ways . It started once when I was waiting in the car at the super market and the song came on the radio . I got hard really fast . I looked around the car really quickly to make sure no one was standing right outside , unzipped my pants . I pulled myself completely out and started jerking it right there . I was so scared and thrilled at the same time . I was doing it in public and it felt so good . It only took a couple minutes because of the fear of getting caught . I finished and looked up to see my parents walking out of the store at that moment . I was a 12 year old monster , out of control and insane . My risks were large , my shame was huge and I couldn 't stop . I hated myself for this . I really thought I had some kind of sick problem because I couldn 't stop . Now this is the point of all this , I didn 't have anyone I felt I could talk to . I couldn 't tell anyone I was doing this . How do you talk to some one about something like that ? Who would understand ? I mean this is something forbidden and taboo , I could never admit to another single person that I did this . I really thought at the time no body else did it themselves . At least not good normal people . So with no understanding things just progressed worse and I had to live with myself as bad as I was . If I was out in public shopping I often would slip away from my step mom and pretend that I was trying on clothes so I could go into a changing room and jerk myself right there in the store . It was thrilling on some level to hear the people in the store talking and they had no idea what I was doing in the booth . As I became 13 things didn 't slow down . I had learned to live with it . I no longer felt guilty or ashamed by it anymore , yet it was still my biggest secret and fear of getting found out . I had just come to the realization that I wasn 't going to stop . As bad of a person as it made me and I was becoming . I just rolled with it and continued taking bigger risks . It moved on to things like doing it while sitting alone at a bench at the park . I was sitting by myself watching this girl about my age in the distance , she was pretty but it was the fact that she was wearing shorts and had tan legs that had my attention . I was in the party pavilion which was a covered area with benches , four short walls with open corners and about four or five barbeques . I was behind a short wall watching her through the gap . I was hard looking at her . This wasn 't the first time just looking at a girl made me hard but this time being all alone I just pulled back my shorts leg and started stroking . When I was done I sat there and looked at her a while longer . I left before anyone could walk up and find me there . I would like to say that the worst risk I ever took was the day at the moves . I was at a PG13 movie one afternoon the theater was almost empty and I was sitting not in the back row but behind everyone else there . During the film a naked girl walks out of the water . I as always was wearing my shorts . I looked around and everyone was watching the screen , I pulled my shorts leg back and did it right there during the movie with people in the room . But it was dark and the movie was load . I was unstoppable on my way to getting caught . The worst of them when I was 13 started while I was walking through a toy store . I had gone out with my step mom to look for a birthday present for some little kid . I slipped away from her to look around the place on my own when that dumb ass song came on . I thought , really their playing that in a toy store ? I was getting worked up I began walking to the back of the store to knock it out in a restroom when I saw the girl from the park weeks earlier . I recognized her right off . She so beautiful every much as when I had seen her the first time . She was wearing shorts and a tank top . Her breasts were just beginning to come in and the cold air made her nipples hard and I could see them through her shirt . Up close I could see that she had the smoothest legs of any girl I had ever met . From both the song and the fact that I was looking at the only girl I had directly ever jerked it to , I didn 't mean to but I went from getting worked up to completely popping up right there . I looked down at myself for just a second thinking , oh not now . I saw her look down too and I was so embarrassed I slowly started walking away I really needed to find the restroom now . I went to the back corner of the store only to find no rest room there I turned around and looked up to see she was standing a couple of feet in front of me . I was petrified at first I was sticking up in my shorts and she had followed me to the back corner . She looked at me , her face red from understanding and embarrassment . I certainty was too . I don 't know what possessed me to do it but I pulled up the leg of my shorts and exposed myself for a second to her right there . She turned completely red but didn 't look away instead she pulled her tank top down so I could see her small breast and hard nipple for just a second . This just made me go harder . I reached down pulling my shorts leg up again but not just showing her this time I started to stroke myself for her . She turned even redder . I wasn 't even looking around to see if an adult was in view I was just looking at her and doing the one thing I kept most private in the world . " You can touch it , " I squeaked out . She tentatively came to me and touched it lightly . Being that it was the first time I was ever touched by a girl even just her touching it with her fingers I came on her tank top . " EWWWWW " she said whipping her shirt and running away . It was only really then that I realized again where I was and what I had done . I ran off as fast as I could before she could bring back and adult . For the first time in a long while the guilt and shame came back to me . I realized just how out of control I had gotten . The whole thing could have gone so much worse . I was lucky I didn 't get caught . I was lucky I wasn 't arrested . All my fears of this being wrong came back to me again . I was ashamed of myself and the fact that I really was some kind of pervert deviant . I didn 't do it again at all for at least a week . I wanted to stop it all together and be a good person again . One who didn 't touch himself . One who didn 't take all these risks to get caught . But as things go I couldn 't hold out forever and I started again . Only this time I stopped taking such big risks . I only did it now at home by myself living with the shame and guilt quietly . Still having no one to talk to it affected my whole life thinking that there was something wrong with me . It wasn 't long after that , that I turned 14 that was the year of creativity . I call it that because as I said I had stopped taking risks but I moved into another phase . That time period was the object phase . I searched my house for anything round and about the right size that I could stick it in and still feel good . I don 't exaggerate when I say I tried everything round . This is the time period when some boys will go so far as to use the vacuum cleaner . I heard tails of that when I got older I was just never that guy . Not that the thought had never hit me but for one the hose was to small and I was actually afraid of the suction . But flashlights , tubes , piggy banks , toys , holes in the couch , bottles and generally anything I could stick my dick into were all violated . It started at my house but progressed on to other 's houses too . My grandmother had a guest bed that was decoratively carved that had holes carved though the foot board . I found out that one of the holes worked perfect . I 'm guessing it was in this phase that my cousin was caught naked in his room with the dog . Yet again I 'm glad I wasn 't that guy . I 'm very happy I never went that road . I 've lost track of all the things I tried that year , because it was a lot of stuff . And talk about fear of getting caught , every time I stuck it in that bed frame I was so worried about some one finding me there with my dick in the wood . I guess it 's not as bad as getting caught with a dog but still I 'd would 've lost it if someone walked in on that . The problem was most round objects were either to small or to big . I could never find anything the right size that felt completely good except the holes in that damn bed frame . The down side to that is that was I had to hang out at my grandmothers to get it . I wanted so bad to find that one object that was perfect and it never happened . That was the same year my father broke up with my step mom . She had cheated on him with his best friend and we moved across town and he started a new job . After all her talk about the evils of sex she banged his best friend . Now that 's what I call irony . I never understood what they saw in each other in the first place . My father had been a player until my mother died when I was 4 . I had never met him and when she died he had showed up and taken custody . As far as we knew then I was an only child so finding out he had a child had changed his life . He had married my step mom when I was 6 . From day one they were opposites . She dragged us off to church and ran the house with an iron fist . After breaking up with my step mom we stopped going to church and I hardly saw him anymore . He went back into full time dating . I was home alone so much that I had to learn to cook just so there was something to eat . I would come home often to find cash and a note saying he would be back later . At first I would use the money to go get fast food but after a couple months I started using it for groceries and doing the shopping myself . It gave me plenty of time to experiment during the year of creativity . That 's also why I spent so much time at my grandmothers house . With him gone for whole weekends I would get dumped there . I would act like I was mad that I was stuck there on the weekend again , playing the annoyed kid routine . Then every night it was the same thing I would listen for her to go to bed . When I could hear the snoring through the door , I would go around to the foot board and spend half the night with that rounded wood hole . When I was 15 I had slowly began to take risks again . After spending the last year humping everything in sight I was frustrated with not being successful with finding a portable object so I went back to using my old friend , my hand . I would only take risks in public where ever I thought it was safe . Places like the woods or public bathrooms or changing rooms . It would be years again before I would do it at a park , parking lot or movie theaters . The girl in the toy store that day was the one and only focus of my mental fantasizes . I had progressed to at least once in the morning shower , once after school and once right before bed . That was if my dad was home . It was more if he wasn 't . It would be some days as often as once an hour when I could . At this point in my life just doing it didn 't work alone anymore , so I would have to close my eyes and tink about a scenario to get off . It was always her in my head . The one girl who had ever seen it or touched it . The only real live boob I had ever seen , even though she didn 't have much more than a nipple then . The two things combined had carried me some times up to 12 a day over two years . It was six months after my parents broke up that I went with my father to a wedding . I was so disgusted with him at that point in my life I really didn 't want to spend any time around him . So I was at the reception and I was bored out of my mind . The wedding was for some co worker of my Dad 's named John who was getting married at his parents farm house . The farm was huge consisting of a main house and an couple of different sized barns spread out in different areas of the property . A gigantic tent was put up to hold the wedding and reception . This was done mainly to keep people out of the small house . The party mainly hung out in the tent or around it . I was wandering around outside the party tent when that dumb ass song came on . I could feel myself lifting off . I headed for the far side of the property I would go around the barn where no one else seemed to be . I was going to take care of business really quickly . I rounded the corner and it happened again . She was standing there , the girl from the store . I was so shocked I actually lost my erection . She was smoking a cigarette and trying to hide from the wedding party . She had changed a little , her breasts had come in more and she had gotten taller , but it was her . She was dressed in a beautiful red dress with her hair done up so a few strands fell across her face . I was stunned I almost hopped she didn 't recognize me , this could end bad . " It 's you , the toy store boy . " she said slyly . " Don 't try to explain . It would ruin it . I 'm old enough to get it . You thought I was hot and you got hard . Your not the last boy to do that . " " No they don 't , " She laughed , " They want to I 'm sure , but they don 't . " She smiled at me and I started to loose my embarrassment . There was an awkward silence and looking at her I began to get hard again in my rented suit . She smiled as she noticed my arousal . " Shhhh . " she whispered . Her mouth next to my ear , " I 've never . . . . . . . . . you know , gone all the way . But I have done this , " She said kissing me softly . She reached down slowly unzipped my pants and pulling me out . " Uuck , I hate that part . I told you to warn me . " She wasn 't really angry as she turned and spit . She stood up again and lit another cigarette . She then reached over and zipped me up again . I was in shock I tried to get some words out but . . . . . . . She smiled at me and told me that the time in the toy store was the first time she had seen a boy hard and it had done something to her . It made her curious . It made her want to try to make other boys hard . It made her want to do more then touch a boy . She started dating this guy a couple years older then her who ended up forcing her to go down on him . She actually liked it but didn 't like the guy for making her do it before she was ready . After he tried to force her to have sex she dumped him . Since then she had played around with just virgin boys because she kind of liked giving head and because they were always so grateful never trying to force her to do more . But she said she would only do it once or twice with each them before moving on . She explained that after a couple times they would push for more and she wasn 't ready for more so she moved on . The way that she had took care of me had felt really good . I felt it would be disrespectful to ask how many of these encounters she had , had . But I was curious . " That 's not all , " she said looking down almost ashamed , " I 've thought about you and that day in the store so many times . I mean I should have been disgusted that day . I should have told some one . But for some reason I was flattered , and I was just as curious as you were bold at that moment . I should have been mad but it . . . . . . . turned me on . " She said the last words quietly . " I don 't know what it was in that moment but I felt it to . I wanted to touch it the moment I noticed your shorts lifting up , I think that 's why I followed you in the store . I don 't know how but I knew something was going to happen . Then you did what you did . I was in shock . I touched you , I was so hot and wanted to touch one . In my mind I was actually curious to know what it would feel like inside me too . Then you came on my shirt . I freaked out and ran away . " " Tonight when I saw you it was like you walked out of my head and I was curious about you again and I didn 't want to miss out this time , " she stopped to finish her cigarette . " Thank you , " I said to her , unzipping my pants again and pulling myself out . Timidly I asked , " Can I have another chance ? " She smiled up at me for a moment before sucking me again . This time as I hoped it lasted a little longer . Were not talking hours longer but it was at least a good few minute longer this time . " Just keep that in mind when your with a girl , it 's nice to tell them , " she scolded as she lit a 3rd cigarette . We talked about basically nothing for another 2 hours and she had a couple more cigarettes in that time . She said that she usually didn 't smoke that much but she wasn 't having the best day . She explained that her mom was the brides sister and she hated her new uncle . She claimed that he had hit on her repeatedly since she was 15 . Being which I was only now 15 it made me wonder just how much older them me she was . She had been really glad I came along , seeing me again and being able to fulfill one of her longest fantasies had made her day . Finally she said that we should rejoin the party . I was sad to see our time together come to a close . I didn 't know if I would ever see her again . She pulled out another cigarette saying she was going to have one more and join the party . I leaned in and kissed her before she could light it . It had been a couple hours since she gave me head and I wanted one last kiss before leaving . She kissed me back . We stood there kissing heavy and I pulled down the top of her dress exposing her breasts . I pulled away long enough to look at her breasts before kissing her more heavily and rubbing them with my hand . I pushed her up against the barn wall and lifted up the bottom of her dress . This was hot and passionate and I was losing my mind . I slipped my hand inside her panties and my finger inside her . She moaned and grabbed my hand guiding it to touch the right spots . I couldn 't believe this was real . I couldn 't believe it was really her . We were kissing and I had my hands on her boob and pussy after getting head ! I was waiting to wake up , I just hopped that it wouldn 't happen before we could finish this dream . I was burning I took my hand out of her and unzipped my pants . I moved forward lifted her up against the wall and got as far as my penis touching her through her panties . Doing my best not to pop before I could get it in , I was about to pull her panties aside when she stopped me . " And yes before you ask I will get you one more time . " She smiled and spun me around so my back was to the wall this time . She went down on me again . After what had just happened it didn 't take long this time but I did manage to warn her . When it was done she picked up her dropped cigarette and lit it . As we walked back to the reception . I was actually light headed from the whole experience . The walk across the farm took a few minutes as it was a big place . Outside kitchen door to the house someone called to her . " I don 't expect you to get excited about that part , " He said equally flat , " But I guess when we broke up she didn 't know she was pregnant . You have a sister and I have a daughter . Isn 't that cool ? " My heart sank . I knew the rest of it before he said anything . Knowing my dad as I did I knew that he would have fucked her a few times then disappeared when another piece of ass came along . I 'd seen him do it repetitively over the last six months . He never stayed with one for long . I wouldn 't be surprised at all if I had 10 more sisters out there . It was then what he had said a minute ago came screaming into my head . Didn 't the girl say that her mom was the sister if the bride ? But what are the odds ? This didn 't mean she was my sister she could be the daughter of another sister of the bride right ? Unfortunately that is what this story is all about . My toy store girl came walking in a few minutes later . She smiled at me and winked . " Oh god no , " I thought to myself as she walked over and gave Lilly a hug . It was then she was introduced to my father and I as Lilly 's sister 's daughter Katie . We looked at each other horrified for a minute and It was all I could do to regain my composure . I played it off like I was just in shock of having a sister . This was wrong , so wrong . I found out Katie was 16 making her one year older then me . All I could think about was oh my god ! I just got head from my sister , three times and almost fucked her ! As soon as we could get away , we walked outside together to talk . We both were horrified by the realization that we were related . It was a while before we really spoke and when we did it was real talking . The kind of adult conversation I don 't think I had ever had with another person in my life to that point . She said the thought of it made her a little sick . I didn 't make her sick just the situation . She said we couldn 't do it again . " Well . . . . . . . . . , " I started , " It 's not like we live together . . . . . . . I understand your point . . . . . . I don 't know if I can think of you as a sister . . . . . . . " " Look , I can 't do it with my brother . I just can 't . Everything is weird now . My god I fingered myself to the thought of you , for two years ! " She said her face turning red , " And tonight . . . . . . . . . . " We talked more . She figured that since we had only ever run into each other a couple times that we could move past everything and it wouldn 't be to weird given time . We talked until it was time for us to leave . We talked about our likes and dislikes and movies and books . We found we had a lot of common interest and we enjoyed discussing books . We intentionally avoided the monkey in the room as it were and started our relationship as siblings . It was late when my dad came to find me . I hadn 't paid any attention to where he had been all night and when he found us talking he thought it was great that we were getting along already . He said it was time to leave and Katie gave me a quick and innocent hug good bye and said she had my number and would keep in touch . I rode home in silence that night . I really hated life right now . I had finally found her again only to have the whole thing taken away again . How could I ever think of her as my sister . There was just no way after that was there ? Read 26706 times | Note to the readers ; their is a slight wording mistake when Joey is introduced to Katie . It reads Lilly 's sister 's daughter . Its just supposed to say Lilly 's daughter . |
Are you on the mailing list ( including your e - mail address ) ? We send out 1 - 2 newsletters per year . Click here to join the mailing list or update your information ! I was born on November 26 , 1901 , a son of Helaman Pratt and Bertha Wilcken , in Colonia Dublan , Chihuahua , Mexico . At a very early age I showed a pugilistic tendency that seemed to have stayed with me most of my life . I remember my first year in school , I and a little red - headed boy would meet out behind the wood - shed and would fight during recesses and after school . Neither one giving in to the other . I also remember a boy whipping my older brother and when I heard of it , I whipped the boy the next day . Mine was a happy life , even with all the fights , until my eighth birthday . I remember my mother having all my little friends over to a party and my father sitting at the head of the table with about twenty little eight - year - olds sitting around the table with him . We were celebrating my eighth birthday and I was promised that on the morrow my Father would take me out to the lake and baptize me . I was so happy . The next day I awoke early and rushed into my parents bedroom to wake them up so we could get started early . I found my father sick . The doctor was there and my mother told me that we would have to postpone my baptism . An hour after that my father died . This was a great blow to a young eight - year - old . My father was so understanding and such a wonderful pal that I did not know how I could get along without him . Perhaps the reason that I have failed so many times in being a father is that my father left me while I was so young in life . I can say for my mother that she tried to fill both father and mother 's shoes and I appreciated her very much . In finishing this chapter , I think it well to give you a little of my ancestry . My father is the next youngest son of Parley Parker Pratt and Mary Wood . Parley joined the church in the early days and was a great missionary . My father Helaman was also a great missionary . He was the first president of the Mexican Mission . His sons Rey L . and Harold W . were also presidents of the Mexican Mission . My mother was a daughter of Charles and Carolyn Wilcken . Charles was a member of Johnson 's Army who were sent to exterminate the Mormons . Instead of the Mormons being exterminated , my grandfather was converted to the church and brought a much needed talent to the early settlers of Utah . Son , I will continue this story from time to time , I hope it does not bore you too much . May God bless you in your missionary labors . I am sure that your great - grandfather and your grandfather and your father are proud and happy in the work that you are doing . It is one of the greatest services that man can render to humanity , that of giving to the plan of salvation , whereby they might have an opportunity of life everlasting . I 'll continue with the story of some of the interesting happenings in my life . It seems that from my earliest recollections , I have had horses in my life . My father was a breeder of fine Hamiltonian horses and when I was about six he gave me a mare and all of her offspring were to be mine . I remember that I had a saddle pony , and it was my job to get the milk cows from the prairie every night . This pony was a very independent animal and sometimes quite difficult to handle . One day I went out to the corral to get him and he didn 't want to be bridled . After my trying for a long time to bridle him , he became tired of the game so he picked me up by the clothes on my back and tossed me out away from him . I never remember of him hurting me , but he surely could stall the wheels of progress . Another time , I was riding this same horse in the corral and our Jersey bull rushed us and lifted the horse , me and all , right over a five foot board fence . On another occasion , while on this pony , I was driving a bunch of colts to water when one of them kicked me knocking me unconscious . The pony stopped and stayed by my side until I was found by some Mexicans an hour or so later . On another time , I was chasing a calf , which ran under a large cottonwood tree , the pony and me right after it . A large branch caught me under the chin , dragging me off . The last episode with this pony : I was chasing another calf out on the flat east of Dublan and the pony ran into a prairie dog hole , breaking his leg and knocking me out . When I didn 't come home after night had fallen , they sent out a searching party and found me and the pony . They had to shoot the pony to get him out of his misery . I was given another horse . This time it was not just a mexican pony , but a real blooded saddle horse along with a new saddle and bridle with lots of silver on it . Boy , was I proud of it ! One night I came home with the cows and when I got there I found a group of bandits there . One grabbed the bridle of my horse and the other reached to pull me off so they could take my horse and saddle . As quick as a wink , I hit one Mexican with my quirt and then hit my horse , running over the other Mexicans and headed for the river where I hid my horse , thus saving him from the Mexican bandits . As you can tell by my writing , Mexico was in a terrible turmoil about this time in my life . The revolution was starting and there were bandits and revolutionists everywhere . The story of the revolution will come in another chapter , but just one more horse story and then I will stop for this time . We had a Hamiltonian stallion that we had paid twenty - five hundred dollars for . When the bandits started to take our horses , my brother Leon was successful in getting him upstairs in our house and there we carried to him feed and water . All went well until one day when the bandits were in our yard looking for this horse , one of their horses whinnied and the stallion naturally answered . That was the last we ever saw of him . And so it went , we trying to hide our horses and the revolutionist trying to find them . This period in my life is one of excitement and change . The Mexican revolution had started . Not only was there fighting between the government and the rebels but there were also a number of bandits roaming the country , taking possession of whatever they could lay their hands on . One of these bandits was a man by the name of Salazar . He was a local man and had mobilized quite an army of followers . When he had what he thought was enough strength in horses and men , he decided to attack the federal garrison that was stationed at Casas Grandes , which is about five miles from Dublan . It was about five in the morning when we were awakened by cannons booming and rifle fire . The attack was on . My brother Leon and some other of his friends went up to an old abandoned church so they could see what was going on . They climbed up in the tower where they could see the fight . They were enjoying it immensely , seeing the rebels charge and take a position , and then seeing the federals countercharge and retake the position . Then the federals discovered that there was someone in the church tower so they turned the cannon on it . The first shot plowed a big hole in the wall and buried itself in the floor . The boys didn 't wait for the second shot . They left on high . After the battle , Leon went back and dug up one of the shells which he kept in memory of that event . The rebels finally won the battle and then our troubles really began . They stole our horses , drove off our cattle , robbed our granaries of wheat , destroyed our crops , and threatened our lives . Finally , they gave us an ultimatum to leave , or they would kill us all . This was hard to do . We were in fair circumstances , a comfortable home , good farms and ranches , and now everything that we owned we must leave . I remember it was in July . The orchards were loaded with ripe fruit , the fields still unharvested with ripe grain , the prairies green with waves of grass . We were to leave all this , perhaps never to see it again , and further more , where would we go ? Would we ever see our friends again ? How could we live with not much money , no farms , no ranches , no homes ? But we must go or die , so we decided to leave . The men of the villages decided to send the women and children to El Paso on the train and they would try to salvage some horses and cattle that had been hidden in the mountains . I remember the whole town assembled at the railway track , waiting for the train to come . It was due at six p . m . , but it didn 't come . We waited and waited ; it was to come at seven and then at eight and then nine . We got tired of waiting . We were so hungry so some of my boy friends and I went back home and picked a gunny sack full of peaches and then went back to the track and ate peaches and waited some more for the train . There was really a mess at the track . Babies were crying and mothers were trying to find their children . There was bedding , suitcases , and trunks scattered all around . Most youngsters were lost from their parents when along came the train . We were all loaded into box cars with many a worried mother still not having found some of their children . ( They finally got together in El Paso ) . So with troubled hearts , crying and bawling and yelling , we started for a new country and a new experience . When everyone was loaded in the box cars they closed the doors and then started the train . Then I got sick . It must have been too many peaches , the odor of too many people closed up in a box car with no fresh air , and the motion of the train in travel . There was no window to hang my head out of , no corner that was not taken up , and there I was . I couldn 't hold it down and so up it came ; the devil pity the one that caught it . We finally arrived in El Paso dirty , smelly , tired and hungry . But that will come in another chapter , son . We received your wonderful letter and were surely glad to get it . We look forward to getting your letters each week . I can see that you are very busy and that is the way it should be , always more work to do than one can accomplish . May God bless you in your labors . Upon arriving in El Paso we got a small apartment and stayed there for a few days . We were more fortunate than most of the exiles . Many of them were taken out to an old lumber yard where they camped with no privacy and where thousands of curious came to look at the Mormons each day . Your mother was one of these that was in the camp . El Paso was the first city I had ever been in ; therefore there was much to interest me . So many people , street cars , large buildings , and windows to look at with all the sights and smells that go along with a big city . After staying in El Paso for a few days we boarded the train for Salt Lake City . Upon getting settled in Salt Lake City , my mother secured a position teaching school in a town north of Salt Lake . I stayed in Salt Lake with my Aunt Dora where I went to the Webster school during my fourth and fifth grades . Being quite athletic , I was chosen to be on the school soccer team . We played a number of the other schools in Salt Lake . The first summer in Salt Lake I picked berries all summer , making about a dollar a day . Boy was I in the money ! After buying my winter clothes I had enough money to buy me a bike . I was surely proud of that bike . The following summer I worked on a dairy , up by Park City . Working on the dairy was very enjoyable to me . I was the cow wrangler , so I got up at five in the morning , got my horse , and went out to bring the cows to the barn . The country is very beautiful up there ; it is among the pines and the grass reaches up to a horse 's belly . There are all kinds of wild flowers and an abundance of wild life . While rounding up the cows , I could see deer , bear , pine hens , and turkeys . That summer , Mr . Dahl trapped four bears that were killing his calves . After finishing the milking , we would put up hay . I would drive the team while a man loaded the wagon . This was done by hooking the wagon onto a loader that would bring the hay up to the wagon bed , and then the man would spread the hay over the wagon bed . After working all day in the hay , I would again go after the cows and then we would milk them and go to bed by nine o ' clock . On Sundays there was no church because we were too far away from town to get to church . It was still the horse and buggy days . I would either fish for trout in the stream or go hunt pine hens with a . 22 rifle I had . I got so I could knock the head off a pine hen every shot . I lived all week for Sunday to come around so I could fish or hunt . That was before I was told it was wicked to hunt or fish on Sunday . After staying in Salt Lake City for two years , my aunt Dora and my brother Harold left for Mexico again and my brother Joe and I moved up to Clinton with Mother . There I skipped the sixth grade and completed the seventh grade in one year . It was in Clinton also that I learned to skate on ice . There were many ponds and canals in Clinton and when they froze over , that was our winter sport . I remember one day of skating to Ogden and back home again on the canal , a distance of about 15 miles . Speaking of winter sports , we used to sleigh ride down the hill from 15th East in Salt Lake on 7th South to beyond 9th East . It was a great sport for us kids . After spending one winter in Clinton , my mother , Joe , and I returned to Mexico . We had been in Utah for three years , now . We thought that things had quieted down in Mexico so that we would be able to live peacefully in our home . However , that was not the case as you shall see in subsequent chapters . May the Lord bless you in your missionary labors is my prayer . By the insistence of your sister Maurine , I am continuing with my life story . The last chapter that I wrote you was at the time I left Utah and returned to Mexico . At that time it appeared that the revolution had died down and it would be safe to return home to Mexico . So in the spring of the year , after school was out , we returned to Mexico . Everything seemed to be quiet for a short time but then the revolution broke out more severely than it had done in the past . Villa 's army had taken charge of the northern part of Chihuahua and had moved into our town , Colonia Dublan , in great numbers . They demanded that we deliver all of our horses and livestock over to them , that they might have transportation and food for their armies . In Dublan there were located in the neighborhood of 15 , 000 soldiers and we could not walk up or down the streets without stumbling over soldiers or their camps . On our return to Mexico , the school board asked my mother to teach school again in Colonia Dublan . There were many times I have known her to walk down the streets from our home to the school with soldiers bathing in the irrigation ditches on either side of the street ; but she was not molested in any way by any of the soldiers . These were perilous times , but Villa had complete command over his men . They respected his orders and he had ordered that not any of the Mormon people be molested and so they obeyed his command . One afternoon after school , there was a great gathering of soldiers on parade with bugles blowing . Naturally we boys , being curious , rushed over to see what was happening . When we got there we saw Villa sitting on a big , beautiful black horse , his generals sitting behind him , and the whole army lined up in parade formation before him . Standing up against a little brick building was a man who was blindfolded facing the firing squad , and as Villa dropped his hat the firing squad fired and the man slumped down in a sitting position against the building . This was just one of the many experiences we went through as boys in that time . After Villa had accumulated his army and had rested and obtained sufficient provisions , he started to march on Agua Preita , a little town across from Douglas , Arizona , where he anticipated a victory over Carranza 's forces . He was assured of a victory because he had them bottled up where they could not get reinforcements and could not escape , as his forces completely surrounded them . He was in for a big surprise . Unknown to Villa , Carranza had negotiated with the United States to ship forces across the boarder and land in Douglas and then cross on over into Agua Prieta . So when Villa finally attacked , his forces were completely whipped and scattered by the superior Carranza forces . This posed a much greater danger on the colonies because the scattered forces came back without any leadership . They were now roving groups of bandits without guidance , and naturally they started to loot , plunder , burn , and kill as they went . One Christmas night , tension was very great because the bandits had decided that they would loot every house in the colonies . Our family and two or three other families in town had decided to gather together in our house and resist this attempt to loot our home . It was bright moon light , and peeking through the shades we could see bandit crowds milling up and down the street . After a short while we saw in the distance a great fire , and we knew that they had looted someone 's place and burned it . It turned out to the Robinson 's place . Again in the south , we saw another fire and thus spent the night expecting any moment for them to come into our house and loot us . But the Lord must have been with us , for they didn 't ever attempt to bother us . During the night there were five homes burned in Dublan and all the things that they had stored and saved , both in food and clothing , had been lost to them . The Robinsons had attempted to stop them from coming into their house and had exchanged fire . They finally took Brother Robinson into captivity , and for some time we feared that they had killed him . They finally let him go without injuring him . After the defeat at Agua Prieta , there was a group of the artillery that came back to destroy the cannons before they moved on . They lined up their cannons against a wall , filled them with powder , plugged up both ends , set a fuse to the mount , and blew them up . I remember I was standing in the back yard chopping wood when this tremendous explosion happened . A large piece of steel came flying through the air just missing my head a few feet , it seemed to me , and landing in the dirt . On another occasion before Villa left to attack Agua Prieta , about five o ' clock in the morning , we heard a great explosion , so we hurriedly got out of bed and put on our clothes and rushed down to the tithing yard which had been taken over by Villa as a camp ground and storage yard . There we saw the most terrible sight that I had ever witnessed . It seemed that one of the soldiers had been sitting by the fire on top of a case of dynamite , which he knocked his feet against to get warm , and in doing so set it off . The dynamite was sitting in the center of the whole camp of soldiers and close to the tithing building , which was full of grain . It completely blew the building to pieces . Miraculously , two men sleeping on top of the wheat were not injured at all . There were 56 men killed in the blast . Arms were blown one way and legs blown the other . Some body members were found a block away from the explosion . There was one man crawling around on his hands and knees , his face completely blown away . The captain took the butt of his gun and hit him on the head to put him out of his misery . Because I was the first American boy there after the explosion , an army officer got hold of me and sent me back home to get a team and wagon . They gathered up the legs , arms , entrails , and different body members , which I hauled out to an abandoned well on the flats where they dumped the bodies and covered them up . It was a very sickening experience . After Villa 's defeat at Agua Prieta , we lived in mortal fear for our lives and property for about three or four weeks . We didn 't know when or who would come through to rob , steal , burn , and kill . So at that time we were made to rely on the Lord a great deal . Naturally , Villa was very angry at the United States Government when he found out that they had allowed Carranza to ship his troops across the boarder to reinforce his garrison . Villa gathered around him a picked group of about 200 or 250 men , his top generals and best men , and set out to attack the United States garrison at Columbus . It was his plan to take them by surprise , go in and kill as many as he could , strike fast and get away before they realized what had happened to them . This they did . He killed a great number of them , then he headed straight for Colonia Dublan vowing to kill every white man he came in contact with . At Palomas he killed two white men . Then he came down to Corralitos and killed a number of white men . He vowed the next night he would come to Colonia Dublan and kill every white man in town . This was reported to us by a Mexican from Corralitos twenty miles from us . The bishop called all the priesthood together so we could decide whether to defend ourselves or trust in the Lord . Soon after we had gathered together and a prayer had been offered , the bishop stood on his feet and told the body of men to go home and gather their families around them and not to turn on even one light in their homes that night and God would protect them . This we did and there was not a single light in any house that night . We all went to bed and went to sleep feeling secure that God would protect us . During the night Villa and his band came right up to the edge of town and suddenly they stopped and skirted the town and went on their way . Some months after that , word came back to us what had happened . Villa was determined when he left Corralitos that he would completely annihilate all the people in the town and burn it to the ground . When he was just abouVilla answered , " Do you not see all the lights in town ? If we go in there , we will surely go into a trap . " The general replied that he did not see any lights . Villa became angry and said that they would surely be destroyed if they went in the town and he gave the command to go around . We were very thankful to our Heavenly Father for taking care of us . I will close my remarks for today . May God bless you in your duties and may you enjoy your stay in Germany . And may God protect you in all that you have to do . P . S . There is one amusing incident I overlooked in telling you . At the time Villa was located in Colonia Dublan and after the explosion , there were a great quantity of ammunition that was damaged which could not be used because they were bent . This ammunition was left laying on the ground . All had left for Agua Prieta except a 70 man garrison which stayed behind to keep the supply line open . We boys , thinking that we could have some fun , gathered up these cartridges in tubs and took them to the bottom of an old church building foundation that had been excavated before the revolution but had never been finished . We built a fire there and pored the ammunition that we had gathered over it . Naturally they started to explode and it sounded just like an army attacking . When we looked over the flats we saw the small army garrison retreating as fast as they could go , some on horse back and some on foot , but all were getting away from the attack as fast as possible . After the cartridges had stopped exploding , they came back and discovered what caused all the noise . The captain in charge took us boys and put us in a box car and swore he would shoot us at sunrise . We were scared to death and there we stayed all night expecting to be shot by a firing squad in the morning . However , our parents had prevailed on the captain to be lenient , so the captain gave us a lecture and turned us loose in the custody of our parents . It turned out all right but could have been disastrous . The afternoon after Villa skirted the town , we saw a large column of dust rising out of the foot hills ; therefore we knew that a large body of men was coming . We anticipated a new catastrophe to befall us . You can imagine our surprise when we discovered them to be American soldiers . They came into capture Villa , but he was elusive and could not be found . When the American troops left Mexico , it was decided that it was unsafe for us to stay there and we left with them . We rented a farm in Chamberino , a little town above El Paso . I spent a year there and then went to Kaysville , Utah to school . Upon completing the school term , I returned to Dublan . When I returned , my older brother Harold left for officer training school in Logan , Utah . World War I had started and he was old enough to be accepted and felt that it was his duty to go . That left me with the responsibility of running the farm , which I did . I also completed my high school by entering after the crops were planted in the late fall and stopping as soon as spring farm work started . The teachers allowed me to make up what I missed by extra studying and sending in written reports on the subjects that I missed . After graduating from high school , I continued to farm . In the winter time I supplemented the farm income by freighting lumber out of the mountains with a six - horse team pulling two wagons coupled together . This was very dangerous because the roads were very poor and many times covered with snow and ice . I had many narrow escapes , but that did not deter me from going back again . It would take me a week to make the trip . I would camp out at night , hobble my horses to graze , feed them grain night and morning and thus was able to keep the horses from wandering too far . One evening I camped in a nice little valley that had good forage in it . I hobbled my horses , cooked my supper , and went to bed . The next morning I was unable to find two of my horses , and after searching for a half a day with no results I decided that they had broken their hobbles and gone home . So I harnessed up the remaining four horses and made them pull the load that was meant for six . On hills I would uncouple one wagon until we reached the top and then go back for the other . That way I finally arrived home . Upon arriving home , I found that the horses were not there . So I saddled up a horse that I had been taming , which was still quite wild , and set out for the mountains to find the lost horses . I rode all one day and camped that night in a beautiful little valley . I was afraid to hobble my horse because I knew I could never catch him again ; I staked him out with my lasso rope . The next morning I found him loose and I knew that I couldn 't get close enough to catch him . There I was , on a lonely trail that no one traveled and that seemed to me a million miles from nowhere , left afoot . I knelt down and prayed that I might be able to catch this bronco . After praying I started after him , he would trot just in front of me where I could not catch him . This he did for about a half hour and then for no apparent reason he left the trail and went up a little side canyon with me following him . We had not gone far when the canyon narrowed down boxing up on all three sides making it impossible for the horse to go farther . Thus I was able to get close enough to throw a rope on him . I saddled him up and continued on my way . I arrived in Hop Valley early in the morning and there I saw my two lost horses tied to a post in front of a Mexican 's home . This was completely off the regular road , twenty miles from where I had lost them . Finding no one around I untied the horses and went on to the colony of Garcia . My only deduction was that the horses had been stolen . That night at a dance in Garcia I said that I felt that they were stolen . Some Mexicans that were there took exception to that statement and invited me outside . Outside I found myself facing three Mexicans with drawn knives coming at me . My only way out was to fight . I knocked one man out before he could strike and he fell against another one slowing him a bit . The other one struck at me with his knife and I warded it off with my arm , but in doing so , I received a deep wound . I finished him off with another blow and the third Mexican , seeing that he was facing me alone , ran . I am still carrying the scar of the knife cut on my arm . It seems that I was always getting into some kind of fight in my youth , but this one will suffice in this tale . Horses were very scarce and very precious because they were the only means of our cultivating our lands and because of so many having been taken from us during the revolution by the different armies . The only ones that we were able to save were those that we hid out . Whenever there was a scare we would send our horses to the mountains and hide them until the scare was over . The few horses that we managed to keep , we protected almost with our very lives . There was a lot of horse stealing going on and when a horse was stolen we would do everything in our power to recover him . During harvest one year when I was very busy , one of my horses was stolen . I tracked it until I found that it was being taken toward Ojo Federico . I sent word to a friend I had in Ojo Federico to look out for this horse . About a week later , I received word that he had seen my horse and for me to come . Being very busy I decided to leave that night and I rode to Ojo Federico , a distance of sixty miles . My friend had another horse which I saddled up and rode all day . I was unable to find the horse , so I saddled up my own horse and rode all night for home . I arrived home after being in the saddle for about 36 hours . I slept for an hour or so and then went back to work harvesting again . The horse was returned by my friend a week or so later . Young men do a lot of foolish things . One day while plowing in the field with four horses , I saw a thunder storm coming toward me ; I hurried and unhitched the horses . I mounted one and raced to the wagon leaving the other three to come as they wished . The rain and wind , which was of considerable force , drove the horse against the fence . I jumped off the horse and into a wagon , which was nearby , still holding the leash . I had no sooner gotten into the wagon when I heard a loud clap of thunder and at the same time the leash was jerked out of my hands . I looked out and saw the horse that I had been riding lying on the ground . Then I saw the other three horses lying on the ground also . They had been struck by lightening . Two of them were dead and two later recovered . If I had been one moment later , I possibly would not be telling this tale today . When I was a young man of twenty - one , I thought I was very mature . Girl friends , I had many . First going out with this one and then with that one , but never being interested in any one girl to go with more than a few times . I did not care to tie myself to any one girl . I was having too much fun playing the crowd . Whenever a new girl came to town , it was common gossip that ' there 's another girl for Emerson to try ' . Then Irene came town . She was beautiful , had the curves in the right places and those legs were a thing of beauty ! Of course , I could not wait to have a date with her . When I did , I fell completely and totally in love with her . She stirred something in me that no other girl had ever been able to do . After she arrived I was her humble servant ; no other girl had any attraction . When I found that she loved me as I loved her , I proposed that we get married . We met the twentieth of October and were married the first of January . I have now lived with her for thirty - five years and have learned to love her more each year . She has been an inspiration to me through the years . One thing that has made it interesting to live with her is that one never can tell what she is going to do next . She takes up this hobby this year , learns all about it and then the first thing you know up pops another hobby . Or she is studying something new which is far too deep for me to comprehend . But it truly makes life interesting , wondering , " What 's next ? " Marjorie was our first child . When she was born we thought that nobody could have as beautiful a baby as she was . She had long dark hair when she was born and was not red - faced like so many babies I had seen . But then a year later another lovely child came to our home just as beautiful as Marjorie , we called her Bobbie . Another year later the third little doll came to our house ; this one we named Glenna . Were we ever proud of our little family . They were so nearly the same size that Irene dressed them all alike . Cuter kids never lived , I am sure . Whenever I was around the house you would find all of them . They would meet me at the gate when I returned from the farm . I would put them on my horse and turn him loose . They would ride around the corral while I was doing my chores . This horse , although very spirited when I was on him , would walk very slowly when I put the children on him . No matter what they did , he would not move any faster . And then I remember Irene hooking up old Sofie to the one - horse buggy and with the three children in the seat beside her . She would drive off to Primary or to shop or visit . You see , she was really in class , a horse and buggy to drive . Even though we didn 't have much , we were happy and were struggling to get ahead . There is one instance that I recall that I must tell you about : Charlie and Hannah Call were our neighbors and they had a prize rooster that they spent their hard earned money for . One day this rooster got out of its pen and came over to our place . The first thing I knew , I saw him attack our little girls . I had a hammer in my hand and I threw it at him . Not intending to kill him but just to frighten him away . He ran right into it and so the hammer clipped his head off as neat as could be . Naturally , I was very sorry and so I picked the rooster up and took him over to Charlie 's , saying I was very sorry . Charlie said , " Oh , that is all right . Come over this evening and we will have a chicken dinner . " So we enjoyed a nice chicken dinner . Not long after that , one of my small pigs , the size that is just right to roast whole , got out and got into Charlie 's garden . He picked up a clod and threw it at him . I am sure he didn 't intend to kill him , but the pig ran right into the clod and it killed him . Now is was Charlie 's turn to come to me with the dead pig . He was awfully sorry . It was my turn to say , " Oh , that 's all right Charlie , bring your family over tonight and we will have roast pig for dinner . " Irene and I seemed to be doing alright . We had our little home and a small farm paid for and in addition we were running my mother 's farm . It is not my nature to be content with what I have , so after talking it over with Irene we decide to buy another large farm . We knew that it would be a struggle , but felt it was worth the effort . Everything would have been all right except the following year we had a drought and were unable to harvest any crops at all . They say that a man has to have two or three failures in a lifetime , anyway . After settling up all our debts , we found that we had eight - hundred dollars left to start a new life with . We moved to Mesa , Arizona and bought a twenty acre farm and some dairy cows . This was in 1928 just before the crash . We were able to exist and make the payments on the farm by my doing my work and also milking cows for my neighbors . In 1932 things got so bad that I sold the cows and went to work for the Arizona Farmers Cooperative . I received for my pay sixty dollars a month . I started stacking baled hay in a barn , but was later transferred to their Phoenix Branch and put in charged of keeping the books . Then the cooperative went broke . They owed quite a bit of money to a man by the name of Charlie Martin . He came storming into the Phoenix Office and said that he was going to close the store up . I told him that he would be foolish if he did . I pointed out that if the place was run properly that it could make money and that if he closed it up he would loose considerable money . I also said that if he would put in about five thousand dollars in inventory and with me managing it , I was sure that I could make him money . He could at least recover what he had already lost . He thought that was quite audacious for just a bookkeeper to say and he told me in no uncertain terms , and then went storming out of the store . On arriving at his own office , he reconsidered and called me up and said all right . I could be manager and for me to order the merchandise and he would pay for it . Things seemed to prosper in the business and it was not long until he had recovered all he had lost with the cooperative . One day he called me into his office and told me that he appreciated what I had done for him , for he had made up his mind that what the cooperative had owed him was a complete loss . He asked me if I would like the business . I said that I would love to have it but I didn 't have any money . He said that he thought that could be arranged . I went into debt to buy the business agreeing to pay so much a month until it was paid off . We were still living in Mesa , and about this time we had two more lovely children . First Maurine , a regular little doll , and then a year later along came Wayne - a boy after four girls . Were we thrilled ! Living in Mesa and traveling to Phoenix every day , putting in a long day 's work and then driving back to Mesa , made it so that my family never saw me . I left before they were up and returned after they had gone to bed . This was not the way that Irene wanted it , so she insisted we move to Phoenix , even though I felt it would be an extra obligation to buy a new home , etc . However , she was right , so we moved to Phoenix . Instead of being a burden , it made it so that things came easier and I was able to enjoy the association of the family . The children were growing up now ; the older girls were in high school and the younger children in grade school . The older girls were starting to date and there were many happy times with the family . There were the jokes we played on one another , such as putting a large sign on the front door for Marjorie , stating : It 's too late for that last kiss . The first thing we knew Marjorie brought around a young man that she wanted to marry , a boy from Idaho . So Basil and Marjorie were married , then next came John and Bobbie , and later Bud and Glenna , and so it is life repeating itself over again . Grow up , get married , start a family , they grow up , get married , start a family , etc . When Wayne became 20 years old , the church called him on a mission to Argentina . When he was released , we joined him in Argentina and spent six weeks visiting all the points of interest in South America , Central America , and Mexico . I will not go into details about this trip but to say that we took numerous pictures and Irene has put on the tape recorder a travelogue of the trip . I think she did an excellent job . Also , I made a lecture on the evidences of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon that are found in South America and Mexico . I might say that we enjoyed the trip very much . Maurine graduated from Arizona State College in Tempe , taught school two years in San Francisco , and then took a teaching position in Hawaii . After her writing about the beauties of the Islands and by extra persuasion from Irene , I was finally dragged away from my business . I must admit with Mark Twain , that Hawaii is truly a paradise on earth , the most beautiful spot this side of heaven . The verdant land , the beauty of the shore line where the sea meets the land , the graciousness of the people , all tend to give the feeling of happiness and contentment that is hard to find any place else . I can say that I enjoyed our stay there immensely . May I say that this life has been fun to live . The joy of Irene and raising our family and watching them raise their families . We now have ten grandchildren and more coming . Our business has prospered ; I am still sticking my neck out a little too far , but that is the fun of life . If there is no risk , there would be no thrill of accomplishment . All my life I have lived dangerously and I hope that I will never get to the point that I don 't . Irene and I have many plans , yet . It will take us at least another hundred years to accomplish them . I was born on November 26 , 1901 , in Colonia Dublan , Mexico to Helaman and Bertha Pratt . My life was uneventful until I was eight years old . My father and mother were discussing my being baptized that day ( my eighth birthday ) when my father had a stoke and died suddenly . This left mother to raise three young boys . This was just before the revolution in Mexico . I recall coming home with the cows , from out on the prairie and on arriving home . I found Mexican soldiers all over the place . They had taken all our horses and were waiting for me so that they could take my horse and saddle . I recall them coming up , grabbing the horse 's bridle and pulling me off my horse , then taking it away . By July 1912 , things got so bad that we had to leave Mexico . I recall that we waited all day for the train . It finally came and we were jammed into box cars and taken to El Paso . There , most of the people were placed in an old lumber yard . We were more fortunate , we stayed in a hotel until we went to Utah . We stayed in Utah for three years until we thought the revolution had quieted down . Then we went back to Mexico , just in time to get into the hottest part of the Revolution . About 1915 , Pancho Villa was trying to gain power over the then established government ( Carranza ) . He moved all his troops into our community prior to going over to Agua Prieta . He thought that by conquering Agua Prieta he would have control of the entire northern part of Mexico . He felt sure that this would be easy as there would be no way for Carranza to get reinforcements to Agua Prieta . But he was mistaken . When Villa attacked Agua Prieta , he was soundly whipped . This made Villa very angry at the United States . He decided to attack Columbus , New Mexico . He chose his top generals , attacked Columbus by surprise , killed about sixty U . S . soldiers and was gone before the U . S . soldiers even fired a shot . On leaving Columbus , he headed straight for Colonia Dublan , vowing that he would kill every white man in town . When we heard he was coming , the Bishop called a meeting of the priesthood . After prayer the Bishop addressed the priesthood and said , " I have been inspired to tell you to go home , gather your families around you , go to bed , not have a single light burning , sleep well and the Lord will protect you . " This we all did . The next morning we saw by the horses ' tracks that Villa had come to the edge of town , stopped , then turned and passed on into the next valley . Surely the Lord protected us that night . The day after Villa had passed through , we looked over to the northwest of town , and saw a large column of dust coming down off the mountain , and we wondered , " Well , now what is going to happen ? " Just about dark the first unit of American soldiers who were coming into Mexico on an expedition to catch Villa , arrived in town . We felt a great deal of relief from knowing that we would have that extra protection . I recall going down to the U . S . Army with one of my friends and we found that they were all colored people , all from the ninth and tenth cavalry and of course we talked to some of the soldiers . One of the soldiers said that , " He would sure like to get his hands on that man Villa , " meaning Villa , and my friend said , " Yes , he 's just like the niger that caught the bear , he wants someone to get him loose . " Of course , the colored man was incensed because he had been referred to as a " niger " . This was the first time that I knew that negroes didn 't like to be called nigers . On one particular occasion , further down in the country than we were , there was a captain of a company that decided to go through a certain town . The scout , one of the Mormon scouts that was along with him , advised him to not go through that town , and that he would meet with extreme resistance if he did . But , this captain decided he was going to go through the town anyway . So as he started through , he met a wall of people who were armed with rifles , clubs , rocks , and pitchforks - anything that they could use to protect themselves . The captain ordered his men to go on through , and of course a fight occurred when the men started through . They were overpowered by the Mexican community who were much more numerous . They were dragged from their horses , and many of them were killed , including the captain himself . Those that weren 't killed were put into jail and kept there for a number of months . Of course , it was impossible for the United States Army to hunt down Villa in his own territory . He was very elusive and they never even knew where he was the entire time that they were there . But while they were there , everything prospered . They brought a lot of money into the country to purchase a lot of merchandise ; food , hay and grain for horses were purchased there in Mexico . Finally , the U . S . government decided on the futility of trying to catch Villa and decided to leave the country . This was a second exodus for the Mormon people who were afraid of the reprisal by the Mexicans . So again we sent the women and children out by train and the men drove the teams and wagons out to the United States . I , having grown up some , was chosen to go with the men . I recall going out , we did not have the fear of being injured or of attack that the men had on the first exodus when they left with their horses , because we were traveling with the U . S . Army . We traveled about twenty miles a day and I recall one night , as we camped , I saw the sun go down in the west - and that next morning , I woke up and the sun was coming up in the west ! That was the first time I had ever had that happen - I had lost my sense of direction . And the sun was in the west until we left the river where we had camped and got into open country again . We eventually arrived at Columbus and made camp there . My brother , Ira , went to El Paso while my brothers Harold and Joe and I stayed in Columbus . I remember there were a lot of burros running around on the range , and they were bothering us by coming and eating the hay and grain that we had for our horses . So we caught one of these burros and tied a tin can to his tail and let him go . He started to buck and kick , running into wagons and kicking them over , running into campfires , running over people eating their lunch , and raising general havoc . So we didn 't try that any more . Eventually , my brother , Ira came back . He had been successful in renting big tracts of farmland up above El Paso and Borino , New Mexico . So we moved our teams and wagons over there , and worked on the farm . I worked there all summer long and then I went to Utah to further my education . My sister and my Aunt Dora were in Utah . The previous year , I had gone half a year - so I registered in the Davis County High School as a Sophomore . Davis County High School was located in Kaysville , Utah , and it drew students from as far north as Clearfield and Layton and as far south as Bountiful . The students traveled on the Bamburger electric train to get to the high school . I enjoyed the year at high school very much . After the school year , I decided that I should go back to Mexico . I went down to El Paso , and tried to cross the border , but the United States officials would not let me pass . At that time , they were in World War I and there was regulations that no one could pass through the border without a special permit from Washington D . C . So while I was waiting for this special permit , I went to work for the El Paso Country Club , and believe it or not , I was hired to be the bartender at this country club . I didn 't know anything about mixing drinks , but I could pass the bottle down just as well , even though it was prohibition . While I was there , there was a colored boy who was well trained in boxing . He and I would put on the gloves after working hours and box . He taught me the art of boxing quite thoroughly and the art of protection . I recall one day , after we had boxed for quite a little while , he said , " Look out ! " all of a sudden , he just swarmed all over me , and knocked me kind of dizzy . So the next day , when I put the gloves on , I didn 't just start to box like I usually did . I gave him a hit with all my might and hit him on the chin when his guard was down . I knocked him flat on the ground , and then I took my gloves off and I never boxed with him again . My mother and my two brothers , Harold and Joe , had returned to Mexico when I went to Kaysville , along with Ira and his family . So , when I finally got back to Mexico , I had a pleasant reunion with my family . My recollection at this period was that my brother , Harold and I and Joe were trying to farm my mother 's property without proper equipment and with a poor old Mexican team that we had picked up . We 'd hook this team to a hand plow and go out and plow all day and maybe plow half an acre of ground . We didn 't know to much about farming , so naturally the crops we raised were not good . I might tell you some of the experiences I had at this time . When the wheat was ready to harvest , I worked on the thresher , same as other men . The thresher was operated by teams of horses going around and around , turning a large gear which in turn rotated a drive shaft which drove the threshing machine that threshed the wheat . In baling the hay , we had a baler that we hooked our team of horses to . The team of horses would go around and around and each time as they went around the plungers would plunge in and rotate hay down and many times we would tromp on the hay with a foot , and sometimes somebody would speed the horses up and they would make a little different timing and you 'd barely get out of the way of the plunger . I 've even had the sole of my shoe taken off by the plunger . I might tell you one faith - promoting instance that is part of my life . I had forty acres of alfalfa hay , all cut and raked and put into piles and ready for loading on the wagons and putting it into stacks . That morning was Sunday morning , and I saw the clouds coming up and it looked like it might rain before the end of the day . So I borrowed several teams and wagons from neighbors , and using my own team and wagon and hired some men and we worked all this Sunday putting up the hay . We got it all into stacks , and just as we 'd finished topping off the stack , a heavy rain came , and I was very thankful that I had spent that Sunday putting the hay up . However , I felt that possibly I was breaking a commandment of the Lord . In a few days , as I passed the hay stack , I could smell something peculiar about the hay . As I was standing there wondering what about that hay , all of a sudden I saw a flame coming from the hay stack and it burned down . The reason for that was that the hay was put up just a little green and that caused it to get so hot that it started a fire and the entire crop was burned . This taught me a lesson that I should never break the Sabbath Day , and to this day I have very seldom broken the Sabbath Day . Another instance that I can recall very vividly : I was plowing with four horses and a double - dish plow . I saw a storm coming so I unhooked the horses and jumped on one of the horses and raced to the covered wagon that I had at the edge of the field before the storm hit . The other horses followed along behind me , and just as I got into the wagon , I heard a sharp clap of thunder and all four of the horses were lying flat on their backs . Old Nell , the horse that I had been riding , survived . But the others were all killed by lightning . One of the horses was a mother of a colt and this colt survived . This colt and Old Nell were the only horses that survived that storm . Harold was called on a mission to Mexico and Mother and I felt that Joe should go on to high school , so it left me to do the farming . I would plant the grain and harvest the corn and get everything in shipshape and then a little after Christmas , I would go back to school again and would go to school for maybe three months and then I would go back home to take care of the crops again . This is the way I got my education . However , President Mecham set up a kind of correspondence course where I could keep right up with my classes while I was farming . I recall that every Friday night after school let out , I would walk 18 miles from Colonia Juarez to Colonia Dublan , where we lived . This would take me about three and a half hours , and then I would spend Saturday working on the farm and get up early Monday morning and walk back to Colonia Juarez , to the Stake Academy , where I was getting my schooling . It was not all work , we had fun also . We had basketball and we had dances , and we had an enjoyable time as well as all the hard work that we did . Let me tell you about one dance that I recall very vividly : But , before I tell you about the dance , let me tell you something that will build up to the ridiculous situation . There was a man in our town who weighed about 350 pounds ( in our estimation ) . and was very wealthy . Of course . Harold and I were struggling with our Mexican team , and every time we 'd pass him he would make some blighting remark about it , and also talk behind our backs , which got back to us . This didn 't make us feel very good towards him . One night his wife had gone to El Paso on a shopping trip . He gathered all of the girls together , all twelve of them that were in town , and put them in his car and gave them a ride and then they went to one of the girl 's homes and the girls cooked dinner for him . This didn 't set very well with Charley Call and I , so we decided to let the air out of his tires . As we were letting the air out of his tires , he came out of the house just abounding . Charlie , having had rheumatism , couldn 't run very fast so he ducked into the hedge , and this man chased me . Well , I could outrun him very easily , I was in good shape from all the work that I 'd been doing and he was just 350 pounds of blubber . Purposely , I slowed down so I just kept him a short distance behind me . Finally , he thought he really had me , and reached out to grab me , and just about that time I went down on my hands and knees and he went spilling all over the road . By the time he 'd picked himself up I and Charley were nowhere to be seen . Now , back to the dance . At this particular dance , there were some young people who had come from Colonia Juarez , and we were going to have a very nice dance . I was dancing with one of the girls from Juarez . He was the dance manager , and evidently he didn 't like the way we were dancing . Anyway , he came and told us we were not dancing properly and I said , " What 's wrong with my dancing ? " He said , " Step outside and I 'll show you . " We were right close by the door , and so as I began to step outside , he knAfter a few years , we were able to get good horses , and good equipment to do our farming with . In between farming , we would freight lumber out of the mountain . I might tell you one of the interesting things that happened while I was freighting on the mountain . I had gone to Colonia Garcia to get a load of lumber , and I loaded up and pulled back into a nice little beautiful glade that had lots of grass and water for my horses , and there I camped for the night . I hobbled the horses so they couldn 't go too far away from camp , and I always fed the horses before turning them loose , so they would come back for their grain the next morning . The next morning when I got up , I couldn 't find my lead team - they were nowhere to be seen . So I looked around and I found their tracks going down the dugway into Hop Valley . So I followed their tracks down , and when I got into the valley , I found that they had turned up into the valley past the adobe houses that were there on the road , and had gone out into the forest . So I decided I would not try to find the horses at that time , and went back to hook up the team and wagons , the two teams and wagons I had left , and went on my way home . This put an extra burden on the team , so going up the hills we would have to stop and let them rest more often than we did when we had the six horses . But , finally we got home . When we got home I had a horse that was just half broken , a beautiful white horse . I saddled him up and went back to look for my team of horses . I didn 't go back on the road I had come up on - I took a shortcut to Hop Valley which I knew . At noon I stopped at a little place where there was plenty of grass and water to water my horse . I unsaddled him and put a lasso rope around his neck , and staked him to a tree . The first thing he did was to roll over and loosen the rope that was around his neck , and the rope fell off his neck . There I was , off the regular road and thirty miles from home . So , I knelt down and prayed to my Heavenly Father that I might be able to captuMy two horses were tied to a fence in front of one of the houses in Hop Valley . I looked around and there was nobody around so I put my rope on the horses and untied the rope that was there and took the horses and went on to Colonia Garcia . Another instance of this horse that I had been riding that I recall very vividly : It was in the summer time when we were threshing grain . I got up one morning and one of my favorite horses was not in the pasture where it should be . So I started to track him down and I found that he had been taken out of the pasture and his tracks were going north . So , I tracked him for several miles and decided that somebody had stolen him . I had a friend in Ojo Federico which is a little hacienda about fifty miles north of Colonia Dublan and sent word to him that if he saw this horse that he was to let me know . Not long after that , he sent word to me that he saw the horse . So that night just at sundown , I saddled up this horse after working all day in the threshing and rode to Ojo Federico . Between Ojo Federico and Dublan there is a great forest of cactus . These cactus look just like armies of people coming toward you . All night long I was afraid that I was coming on to a group of people . Finally the next morning , I arrived at Ojo Federico . We left this horse there to rest that day and saddled up one of my friends horses and he and I went over to Asencion to try to find my horse . I didn 't find him , so after riding all day I came back and saddled up my pony and returned back to Dublan . On my way back I was so sleepy that armed forces or anything couldn 't keep me awake . I just turned the horse loose and let him take his own gait and I slept most of the way back . I got back the next morning just in time to go threshing again . I left word with this Mexican friend of mine at Ojo Federico that if he saw the horse he could bring him in and I would give him the reward . A week or so after that , he brought the horse to me . I gave him the reward and was very thankful to get the horse back . Finally , I graduated from high school and settled down to farming . I was very fortunate to be one of two boys in a town where there was about 12 girls . I and this other boy were having a glorious time trying to keep the girls happy . About that time in the fall of the year , in October to be exact , there came to town a beautiful little girl . We met at a dance where it was a costume ball . I was dressed up like Simple Simon and I didn 't impress her at all . In fact she fell in love with Charlie who was already married . She thought that she could really go for him . But the next time she met me was at a party and I sang a love song . When I was singing this love song I looked directly at her and I knew then that she was the one for me . We met on October 20th . I took her out two or three times and then I asked her to be my wife . She thought that I was just kidding because she had had some of the other girls tell her all about me . But I wasn 't kidding and finally I convinced her that she was the right one for me . We were married on January 1st , 1923 . I might tell you how we freighted lumber out of the mountains . We took two wagons and hooked one up with the other . Then we hooked six horses to the front wagon . The one team was the lead team and then we called the second team the swing team and the third team was the wheel team . Now the way we did this , we put a saddle on one of the wheel horses . Instead of riding on the wagon , I would ride the horse and drive the teams from there . The only reins I had were on the lead team . The other teams functioned by just voice command . I hooked up this team and left my bride and went freighting lumber . I was gone for about three weeks . All this time I had not shaved nor bathed . From cooking over the campfire my whiskers were real dark . After returning home she came and looked at me and said , " That 's not my husband " and went back in the house again . But after I had bathed and shaved and put on clean clothes she accepted me again as her husband so everything turned out all right . Freighting lumber out of the mountains was a hazardous thing - especially on Strawberry Hill . It was named from a little valley at the foot of the hill that had wild strawberries . Strawberry Hill had a dugway built on the north side of the hill and in the winter time when it snowed , ice would form on this hill and make it very hazardous . The only way Mexican freighters would come down the hill , would be to get drunk to get up enough nerve to come down the hill . On this particular hill , one would come down off the mountain going down a dugway and then you had to cross a little canyon on a very narrow bridge and turn right back down the hill , making a complete U - turn at the bridge and not go over with the load of lumber . It required that the swing team to jump over the chain as we made the U - turn and let the lead team go on down the road , but they would go on up the hill a little and keep the tongue of the wagon way over , farthest away from the edge of the bridge . By so doing , it would throw the front wagon as far away from the edge of the bridge as possible . And if you were lucky , your hind wheels of your back wagon missed going off the edge of the bridge by one or two inches . Also , the ice on the hill made it very treacherous to go down this hill . Many times I 've had to roll in the snow or on the ground to relieve the tension that would build up while going down this hill . Irene and I were married on the first of January in 1923 . On the 7th of December , she presented me with the darlingest little girl that anybody could ever behold . She had dark hair and fair skin and roly - poly just like a butter ball . Of course , Irene and I adored this darling little girl . Irene was very happy that she was a little girl so that she could dress her up in all the fancy little clothes . We named this little girl Marjorie . About a year and two months later Irene presented me with another darling little baby girl . So she had two darling little baby girls . We adored this little girl also . Then about a year and three months later she presented me with the third little baby girl . Three darling little baby girls . How happy Irene and I were for these darling little spirits from our Father in Heaven . As they grew up they liked to be with their father working around the place . One day I was fixing a fence between Charlie 's place and mine and Charlie 's prize rooster came over and attacked one of these little girls . I didn 't mean to kill the rooster . I had a hammer in my hand and in order to scare the rooster I threw the hammer . Believe it or not , that rooster ran right into that hammer and it killed him dead . Well , I looked down at the rooster and I felt really bad and wondered how in the world I was going to tell Charlie that I killed his rooster . I finally picked up the rooster , and went over to Charlie and said , " Here is your rooster , I killed it , I am sorry . " Charlie said , " Oh , that is all right , your family can come over tonight and we will have chicken and dumplings . " So we went over that night and had a very enjoyable evening . Not long after that , one of my little pigs got out of the pen and went over to Charlie 's and was destroying his garden . He picked up a rock I am sure he didn 't mean to kill it , but you know that pig ran right into that rock and it killed him dead . Now it was Charlie that had to come over to me and say , " I 'm sorry I killed your pig . I didn 't mean to . " And it was my turn to say , " Oh , that 's all right , you and your family come over and we will have roast pig . " So my wife baked the pig , put it on a large platter , put a red apple in it 's mouth and we had an enjoyable evening with Charlie and his family . Jesus said , " Love thy neighbor as thy self . " This was loving our neighbor . I might tell you another story : It 's really out of context , but I will tell it here anyway . There was an L . D . S . man who had married a Catholic woman and the bishop had sent a number of elders to this home as home teachers , and she would not allow them in the house . So the Bishop , in his wisdom , I guess , through some inspiration from our Father in Heaven , decided to send two young teenagers there as home teachers . And I recall very vividly that before we went , Charlie said , " Let 's have a word of prayer . " When we arrived at their home , there was a white picket fence in front of their home , and we walked back and forth several times in front of that picket fence before we finally got courage to go into the home . When we knocked on the door , she met us at the door and we told her that we were her home teachers . She looked at us and figured , " They 're so young , that they can 't do me any damage . " So , she invited us in . She said , " No , that would be all right . " So we all knelt down and Charlie offered a word of prayer , and I 'm sure that our Father in Heaven put the words in his mouth . He prayed for the welfare of her children , and for their health and strength and for all the blessings that they deserved . He prayed for her . I can 't recall all that he said , but I noticed that when the prayer was finished , that there was a tear in the woman 's eye . Well , from then on we were welcome in her home . We visited her each month on our monthly home teaching assignment . This continued on until Irene and I left and moved from Mexico . When the first Lamanite conference came to the temple at Mesa from Mexico , her son , who was a missionary by that time , met me and said , " You know what I am going to do ? " I said , " No . " He said , " Well the mission president has given me permission to go down to Colonia Dublan and to baptize my mother . " I felt very good about this , having been a small part in carrying the gospel to this wonderful woman . She became a very active Latter - day Saint woman and was a leader in both Relief Society and Primary for a number of years . Irene and I were struggling to get ahead . We had an opportunity to buy a large piece of land right next to ours and we decided that possibly , if we could rake up all the money we could , that we could make a down payment on this property . And so we finally gathered enough money together to buy this large piece of ground next to our own property . We felt like , " Well , now we have it made . " So , we planted a crop , and then a drought came along and there was no water to irrigate the crop , and we had a complete failure . So naturally , we had no way to make payments on this property and we had to turn it back . We decided then to leave Dublan and come to Mesa . We had been in Mesa the year before when the temple was dedicated ; and we liked the looks of the land in Mesa . We got in our old 1926 Dodge coupe - the children and everything , and came to Mesa . On arriving in Mesa , we stopped at my brother 's place , located at Center and Main Street . As we unloaded our car , there right on the bottom of the car was my rifle . I noticed that the rifle was cocked , and knowing that the rifle was not loaded , I pointed the gun down to the ground and pulled the trigger and off the gun went , making a loud noise . You could see women running everyplace for their children , thinking that possibly the Bandito had come out of Mexico . We were able to accumulate a little money before leaving Mexico from the sale of our property , and we also took many promissory notes , ( by the way , we were never able to have them redeemed ) . But , we had enough money to make a down payment on a twenty acre farm East of Mesa . Then we went in debt for some cows and we started to establish ourselves in Mesa . This was in the fall of 1928 , and in the early part of 1929 , the crash came , the Great Depression . The banks went broke , and the particular bank that we owed the money for the cows to , also went broke . The man from the bank came and said that he would settle for fifty cents on the dollar if I could raise the money . In order to raise the money , I sold all the cows and was able to get enough money to pay off the bank . Then I started looking for a job , and the only job I could find was bucking bales of hay , filling barns full of hay with the Arizona Farmers Co - operative . I did this for some time and then they called me into the office to run the trucks and to dispatch them , to tell them where they were to go , to weigh their loads , and tell them where to put their loads . Also , to give each farmer credit for the hay that was hauled from his place . At about this time the dust bowl of 1932 came on and even though we had all the barns full of hay from the previous year , when the dust bowl came on we had orders for hay . So we took all the hay that was being raised , plus all the hay that was in the barn and shipped it to the dust bowl area . This , of course , required about twenty hours a day work for me , we literally didn 't send out just carloads of hay , but we sent out trainloads of hay . They finally decided that they should move me over to be an assistant manager of the Phoenix branch . This Arizona Co - operative had been miss - managed and had had so much interference from the farmers that they had lost a lot of money . At this time , there was one man who had loaned them some money . He decided that in order to protect his rights , he would have to take over the Arizona Farmers Co - operative . His name was Charlie Martin . He decided the first thing he should do was to close down the Phoenix branch . So he came down one day and he said , " Well , I 've decided to close the Phoenix branch . " An hour or so after that , I received a call and he said , " Come down , I want to talk to you . " So I went down and he said , " What do you mean by telling me that I was foolish to close the Phoenix branch ? " I told him that I felt by proper management , that it could be made a paying thing for him . After moving to Mesa , we had two other lovely spirits come to our home , Maurine in 1932 and a year later , Wayne . How proud I was when we finally got a son . I have enjoyed my family immensely . They 've been wonderful children . Especially have I enjoyed my wife , Irene , a wonderful companion and helpmate . I 've enjoyed every moment of living with her . They say that the measure of success is not the amount of money one accumulates , but the way his children turn out . I can say that my children have turned out everything I expected of them . They are all wonderful children , all faithful Latter - day Saints and all living their religion to the best of their ability , and all good members of this great United States . They are all married , and have children of their own , and some even have grandchildren . Emerson W . Pratt sold his farm in Old Mexico and moved to Mesa Arizona in 1929 . He worked in various agricultural pursuits during the depression years . In 1936 he had the opportunity to get into the feed business by taking over a feed store in south Phoenix by assuming its debts . In the feed business he became aware of the opportunities of the poultry business . Selling baby chicks to customers with small flocks became a vital part of the business . In 1943 he built a hatchery building and purchased a Robbins 32H incubator with capacity of hatching about 7000 chicks per week . He purchased the hatching eggs from local flocks around the valley and sold the chicks through the store to various small producers throughout the valley . Soon the local egg supply was insufficient and hatching eggs were shipped in from California and the Pacific Northwest . After World War II there was a growing demand for broiler meat . So he started the first broiler contracting program in the state . He would furnish to a grower the chicks , feed , market and financing and the grower would furnish the housing and the labor . There were great opportunities in those days with 20 - 50 cent live weight broiler prices . He had a good working relationship with Mr . Firpo who provided the market for the birds - eventually ending up in the A . J . Bayless market meat case . This was the start of the local fryer production that still exists today with the Firpo organization . The broiler business continued to grow . Hatching capacity was doubled . He built a breeder ranch in Yarnell to supply hatching eggs to the operation . At its peak , he was marketing from 10 , 000 to 15 , 000 birds per week . When broiler prices fell to the point that contracting was no longer profitable for the producer , then Mr . Pratt rented his customers ' houses to continue producing on his own . In the early 60 's competition from the south became too great and he phased out of the broiler business and into the egg business . The breeder ranch was converted to a market egg production unit and the hatchery was changed over to producing leghorn pullets for the growing egg producing industry in the state . With change , the hatchery he started 30 years ago has ground to a halt , but his interest and involvement in the poultry industry is very much alive . |
In January , I went somewhere for a few days , and travelled with my mother . It was hair - raising , and I blogged about it here . Today my kid brother ( I have a kid brother , 50 , and a baby brother in his mid - forties ) visited , and I tried to show him the blog entry , but it seemed to have disappeared off into the ether , disappearing even from my blog archives . So as I haven 't paid too much attention to this blog recently , I thought I 'd have another go at writing it up . Our mother isn 't the - er - easiest person in the world to deal with , and while the weekend was horrific to live through , it was high comedy to write about and to describe to my brother . I didn 't get too far into the story before a friend visited , putting the kybosh on telling the rest of the story , and my co - resident turned up not long afterwards , killing it completely . I was going to show my brother the blog entry , but it has become invisible , apparently , although entries before and after it are still there , so here we go - take two at telling the story . The trip was all about my daughter , who had recently moved out in order to go to university via the ADFA system - training for an officer 's job in the Australian Army and picking up a university degree without a HECS debt at the same time . It 's pretty hard to get a free - or even affordable - degree these days , so she did well to be accepted . After a number of weeks ' basic military training they were to have a big welcome - to - the - military parade , with all the top brass , and this is what we were travelling to , as it happened on site in Canberra , quite a distant city . I decided to go down there by train , a five - hour trip starting on Friday at about lunchtime . We were to stay the entire weekend , and come back up on Monday . I was planning to sleep at my friend Niall 's place in Cooma , a town an hour or two 's drive out of Canberra . My mother , as the all - important grandmother , was going to come , too , and was going to hire a car once we were down there for both our use around town and for me to drive out to Cooma nightly to sleep at my friend 's place . My mother 's surname is West . My surname is Merrieweather . Nothing alike . We booked our tickets separately , on the same train as there are only two trains a day between the cities . Guess what - we were given adjoining seats . Knowing what she 's like , and knowing what I 'm like , this bothered me immediately . Adjoining seats ? We 'd have to sit next to each other for a whole five hours . Never mind , I consoled myself , I 'd do anything for my daughter whom I loved with a ferocious maternal love , anything . Even sitting next to my mother for five hours . After all , isn 't she meant to love me the same way ? Yeah , right . But still , it was an important day for my daughter , and I was always damn well going to be there . Her grandmother was also always going to be there . Neither of us were ever going to miss it . It was all good . The day before we travelled , she rang me to confirm that I had my ticket for the trip ( of course I had ) . She told me not to check in my luggage when I got to the station the next morning , " because it will take ages to get it back , and the train gets in after four , and the car rental place closes at six " . Two hours ? I wouldn 't have thought it was a problem . I decided that I couldn 't face the trip without a moment of peace and tranquillity first , so I turned up a couple of hours early to sit in a cafe with a nice coffee and read a few pages of my book beforehand . Being a good , obedient daughter - or at least wanting to keep the peace beforehand - I didn 't check in my luggage . I had one black suitcase with my toiletries and a long - weekend 's - worth of clothes , pyjamas etc in it , a black backpack with food and drink for the trip ( I have eaten lunches bought on XPT trains before , and they are truly awful ) and a warm layer of clothes in case the air conditioning was cranked up to Too Cold , and I had a handbag with all the personal stuff you carry around in your handbag . My black backpack and matching suitcase had been pre - decorated by me , with braids of brightly multi - coloured wool hanging from each of the zippers , and there were a lot of those . A matching set , looking all very hippy and rainbow - peopley . Unique , yes ? Remember that , it becomes important later . So , thinking I was mother - free for at the very least an hour , I sought out coffee . Before I 'd even bought one , she found me . She was carrying a handbag - and not pulling any luggage . I asked her where her luggage was , and she said she had checked hers in , and why hadn 't I ? I 'd better hurry and check it in , she told me . Careful not to roll my eyes , I went to the baggage office to check in the luggage that she had told me not to check in . I intended to keep my backpack and handbag with me , and check in the suitcase . She came trotting after me . We got to the baggage office , and there was a queue of about half - a - dozen people lined up in front of us . First in the door , I added myself to the end of the line . She swanned right in , walked to the counter at the head of the queue , pushed in before the guy already being served , and started talking to the attendant , a man in his fifties . Some of the people in the queue protested , and the guy behind the counter politely suggested that others had been here before her and were waiting , and could she please queue up at the end . She walked back to me at the end of the queue , and said loudly enough for everyone in the room to hear : " I suppose I could let these people be served first . " At " these people " there was a very real sneer of contempt in her voice . So we waited , and it wasn 't long - the system was fast , efficient and polite . By the time we got to the head of the line , I had my rolly - bag in one hand and my ticket in the other . As I opened my mouth to talk to the guy , she bodily snatched the ticket out of my hand and told him she 'd like to check in the bag . I was fifty at the time - I 'd probably travelled before . I 'd almost certainly checked in luggage before . But no , I was incompetent , and she loudly and busily checked it in for me . It got X - rayed , weighed and put aside with the other checked - in bags for the Canberra train . Several times , loudly , she asked him to make especially sure this bag got on the Canberra train . Several times , he told Madam that it could only go on the Canberra train , as that was all they were checking - in at the moment . Several times she insisted on asking him how could he be sure it would be taken off at the right station . Several times he said Madam , the bag has a clear label , and will be taken off the train at the Canberra station and nowhere else . She is only a short woman , though terribly scary , and during this dialogue he glanced at me sympthetically over her head . Each time I met his eyes , and smiled sadly . She was oblivious , although she was looking right at him . Finally my bag was checked in , slower than everyone before us , and he went to hand me my ticket , asking if it was mine . Yes it 's hers , she said before I could reply , and snatched it out of both our hands just as he was giving it to me . When we left the luggage office , I asked for my ticket . She said she wanted to make sure I wasn 't going to lose it . I retrieved it from her anyway , and ostentatiously put it in my handbag , telling her I wouldn 't lose it . By now , my nerves were already shot ( mostly in anticipation of worse to come ) , and we weren 't even on the train yet . I needed that coffee , but there was no chance of enjoying it in peace . We retraced our steps to the cafe , and ordered , now that we were finally freed of the luggage that she 'd told me not to check in the previous evening . We had coffee . Conversation was stilted , noncommittal and peaceful . I didn 't enjoy my coffee . So far so good . About half an hour before departure we ended up on the platform , and even though there were signs everywhere not to board the train because cleaners were at work , she maintained that we had paid - for tickets , so despite the signs she had a right to board the train whenever she liked . With difficulty , I restrained her , still keeping the peace , and suggested that we might like some freshly polluted city air before five hours of air - conditioned travel . Grumbling , she settled down on the platform until the cleaners finished . The moment a cleaner emerged from the carriage whose number was on our tickets and even before they picked up their " no entry cleaning in progress " signs and wheeled their cleaning carts away , she was pushing her way on board and anxiously checking and re - checking seat numbers on tickets and seat numbers on seats . We are both quite fleshy people , and the seats were designed for skinny little dwarves . We were going to be sitting , thigh pressed to thigh , for five hours . I didn 't like it . Never mind , I told myself , be barely polite to her . You have a superb natural gift : you can put yourself into a deep , natural sleep at will whether you are tired or not . As soon as the train pulls out , fall asleep . She can 't object . As soon as the train pulled out , I fell asleep , properly asleep . She nudged me awake . " Are you tired ? " she asked disbelievingly . " " Yes , " I lied , and prepared to sleep again . This went on for some time - every time I fell into a deeper sleep than a light doze , she 'd nudge me awake and start talking to me loudly again . An hour or two into the trip , she decided it was lunchtime . I already knew what that meant , so I had packed far too much lunch in anticipation . Apples , grapes and plums . Wholemeal sandwiches with salami , a really expensive cheese , grated fresh carrot and sorrel leaves from my garden , home - grown , organic and biodynamic . They were probably even still photosynthesising in those sandwiches . Having had prior experience of her lunches , I pulled some of my sandwiches out of my backpack with alacrity . True to form , she pulled a glad - wrapped sandwich of some description out of her bag , unwrapped it , took one of the cut halves , wrenched it into two pieces whilst twisting it and pressing the air out of the bread turning it effectively into dough again , and offered me one of the torn and squashed halves of a half - sandwich . I gratefully refused , opened one of my own sandwiches , and offered her another one , still sealed and unsquashed , just as a sandwich should be offered . She had no idea that I was trying to demonstrate the correct way to share sandwiches . Later on , she tore another half - sandwich in half , squashing it completely , and offered it to me again . Again , I pointed out that I had plenty , and would she like another . She helped me eat my plums , which were perfectly ripe , delicious , numerous , and which I was very happy to share . I slept again . Every so often she 'd wake me to say something . I 'd give her the minimum polite answer , and put myself to sleep again . She offered me squashed sandwiches several times , I offered her fresh sandwiches every so often . Once she accepted one , gingerly bit into it and discovered to her surprise that in addition to not being poisoned , it also was quite delicious . I was glad that I had made many of them - obviously my anticipation of what lunching with her would be like had been fairly spot - on . Despite my attempts to sleep the hours dragged , and arrival in Canberra took forever . I woke up properly five minutes earlier , another sleep - related skill of mine , and stayed alert . Just before we pulled up at the station we passed a huge apple - tree growing on the wasteland along the track , laden with large , perfectly ripe red apples of one variety or other . The tree had never been pruned and had a scatty growth - habit , but its fruit looked wonderful . As a Pagan , to whom apples were sacred and a symbol of the Afterlife , I was greatly cheered by this sight . We pulled in at the station . This was where she had expected the checked - in luggage to take hours to retrieve . By the time we climbed out of the carriage onto the platform , there was a neat array of suitcases there , in all sizes , shapes and colours . She grabbed the only black one with a big yellow spot painted on it - hers - without checking the label . I grabbed the only black one with bright rainbow braids hanging from all the zippers - mine , and matching my backpack - without checking the label . It was the only suitcase there with colourful braids on it . Nonetheless , she insisted on checking the label on it , and reading it thoroughly to make sure I wasn 't stealing someone else 's bag . I pointed out the matching braids . That wasn 't evidence enough of my ownership , although apparently a big yellow spot was evidence enough for her ownership . Wonderful . Eventually she ascertained for herself that the bag I thought was mine was in fact mine , and the next stage was to find a cab to take us from the train station to the car rental mob where we had booked the car for the weekend . We walked out of the station , and found two signs . The one pointing left said " To Bus Stop " . The one pointing right said " To Taxis " . She walked left , the crowd and I walked right . Taxis pulled up in front of her to let passengers off near the doors , then swung away before she could climb in , coming back to the taxi - rank where the first person in line would climb in . I was somewhere in the middle of the line , but she kept bleating at me , so I eventually left my position and walked to her . " None of them will let me in , " she said . I pointed out that the taxi rank was where all the people were lined up , so after she finally digested this information we walked over to the queue . I put myself at the end of it . She waltzed up to the head of the line , giving me a flashback to the luggage office earlier in the day . The screams of protest were louder now - everyone had been travelling for a long time , and didn 't want to sacrifice their cabs to her . Grumbling , she lined up with me at the very end of the line , bitching about how selfish people were . It completely escaped her notice that if she had followed me in the first place we would now be ten or twelve people ahead of where we now were in the line . Cabs came and cabs went . We were the very last people in line , and eventually a last cab came and picked us up . It was being driven by an Australian guy with a broad Australian accent , sounding for the world like my baby brother , who has an almost exaggerated Aussie accent . She looked at his face , and decided that he was a foreigner . She immediately started speaking very , very slowly and very , very loudly , to make sure he understood . Recognising racism in action - his ancestors evidently came from India - he flattened his vowels even further until he sounded like the most Australian of Australians . She was oblivious . The whole drive , she pointed out how much she liked Indians ( speaking loudly and slowly ) and how some Indians were actually very nice people ( still speaking slowly and loudly ) and how once he had been in the country a little longer he would learn to read street signs and realise they should have gone straight ahead ( which would have meant ignoring a detour sign and heavy machinery in the middle of the road ) . He doggedly followed the detour signs until they brought him back on the main road , being polite and very Australian at her . She was oblivious , and kept chatting in an artificially non - racist way about how nice Indians were , including telling him that his photo on the driver ID didn 't look at all like him because in it he was wearing a turban and today he wasn 't wearing it . Never mind that his facial features were identical despite his lack of headwear - had he , perhaps , " borrowed " the ID ? I sat there , cringing . He was a normal bloke - why couldn 't she just talk to him like a normal bloke ? When we got there she paid the exact fare - and I quietly dropped an enormous tip on the seat I was climbing out of . As I climbed out , he shot me a look of extreme compassion and sympathy . I grinned back at him . He pocketed the tip and drove away . He 'll remember her , and never let her in his cab again . She then commented about how immigrants would always drive you the long way around in order to earn a larger fWe were in front of the car hire place , a reputable international mob who have been around for decades and have a great business reputation . I steeled myself to walk in . I just knew this was going to be awful . Don 't ask me how - perhaps I 'm psychic . I just knew . She identified herself , and told them she had booked a car online . They checked their computer and said yes , there was a booking . But they didn 't have enough of the model car she had ordered , and would she like a larger , more expensive one for the same price ? The obvious answer was yes , especially as I was the designated driver . But no , she tried to insist on the smaller car . I pointed out that the car they had was probably more expensive to hire normally , and only then , when we had established that we were getting an effective discount of twenty dollars per day for the whole weekend did she subside . Then she thought of something . She turned to me . " You can 't drive four wheel drives . " " Yes , I can . I have before . " " You 've never owned a four wheel drive . " This was starting to work up into an argument . The girl intervened . She said that it was a very easy four wheel drive , and I looked like a responsible driver , and my driver 's licence was valid , and would I like to practise for a while in the lot before going out onto the road ? Finally my mother doubtfully accepted that perhaps thirty years ' driving experience in all kinds of vehicles might help , and I might actually be able to drive the four wheel drive . That settled , it was time to pay for the vehicle . My mother fished a wad of notes out of her handbag . The girl looked uncertain . " Sorry , Madam , we don 't take cash . " My mother insisted . She only liked to pay cash . The girl insisted . It was unsafe for their employees to walk to the bank with large amounts of cash , so they only took cards . Did madam have a card ? Madam did , but Madam wasn 't going to use a card to hire a car . Why , what was to stop the car hire people putting a second transaction on her card after she left ? The girl was by now nearly in tears . My mother asked to speak to her supervisor . The girl came back with a man in his late thirties or early forties . My mother sneered , and said she didn 't want to talk to little boys , she wanted to talk to the boss . The man tried very hard to be polite , insistent and firm . Finally , with me on his side , he managed to persuade her that this was company policy in all their outlets in Australia , and that they had been around for over fifty years , and that in all that time there had never been any allegations of credit card fraud . Still muttering darkly , she finally agreed . They quoted the agreed price for the cheaper car that she had been given online , plus an $ 80 deposit in case of accident or non - return of the vehicle . She bridled . She told me that she had known all along they were going to cheat her . I told her I was sure they wouldn 't , I had dealt with the same company in my home town a few years earlier , and I had had no problem with getting my deposit back . She wasn 't mollified . The supervisor explained that for the deposit they would take a second imprint of her credit card , but that one would be kept on - site and would only be used if we did not return the vehicle . He was sure we were honest people , and would return the car , and if we did , the imprint for the deposit would be destroyed and never presented to her bank for payment . Nonetheless , she insisted on speaking to the " real boss " , someone with a bit of experience . They immediately pulled an old codger out of a cubicle somewhere . She immediately relaxed at the sight of pre - retirement wrinkles and white hair . He explained that the credit card imprint would be stored in a locked safe until the car was returned , then destroyed according to company policy . All this had taken an hour , and the girl was close to breaking down . As we walked out to the car outside , she shot me a " protect me from your mother ! " look , a haunted , desperate look . The two gentlemen looked pretty desperate , too , and infinitely happy that we were actually climbing into the vehicle . Remember the deposit . It will become important later . It was early evening now , and the next stop was the hotel where she would be staying . We got into the car , and I asked what the name of the hotel was . She didn 't know . I told her to find out . Her booking papers were in her luggage , so we had to climb out of the car again , open up the back , pull out her suitcase , open it up and rummage around . She found the bit of paper , put her bag in the car , and we got back in . I asked what the address of the hotel was . She looked at her print - out of the booking details . " It doesn 't have an address " , she said . Great , fabulous . This was going to be a wonderful weekend . In the taxi we had passed a tourist information booth , so she asked me to drive back there to find out the address of the hotel . We did . It was now after six , and it was closed , with no one there to help us . She complained about how nobody was prepared to work any more , and how you couldn 't get service any place . I asked her to recheck her booking papers . Nope , still no address . I snatched them out of her hand . Yes , there was an address - in bold type ! So we climbed back into the car , I thrust the street directory at her , and told her to navigate . After all , she was a supposedly intelligent woman , and I was dealing with two new things : an unknown city and an unknown car . We wandered aimlessly around for a while , turning what seemed to be random corners . We passed several places multiple times . I kept silent , and drove according to her directions . We were whistling down a major road and she had just told me how many streets ahead to turn , when I saw a hotel sign . It was her hotel , where it shouldn 't be ( according to her ) . I did a U - turn at the next legal point , and pulled into the hotel 's carpark . She was immediately flustered - she wasn 't booked in yet , so I had no right to park there . I absolutely wasn 't going to unpark the car , park it on the road , then come out and park it again - I grimly told her that I had the keys , and the car was staying wherever I damn well put it . We walked into reception . I just wanted to flee by now , and escape to Cooma , where I knew friendship , food and low - maintenance , enjoyable conversation awaited me . Behind the counter were two young Australian people in well - pressed uniforms , a man and a woman . And yes , you guessed it - they had South Asian features and fluent English with native - born Australian accents . Immediately she switched on her non - racist , Indian - loving , loud , slow voice . I mean - damn ! They were probably born here , she herself was born overseas ! Why so judgemental ? She confirmed her booking , then set about booking a room for me . I immediately demurred . I wanted to go to Cooma , and some kind of a personal welcome plus relaxing down - time and probably a feed at Niall 's favourite place , the " local Chineesie " . The strain had been going on all day , and I just wanted a break . But no , she told me she couldn 't trust me to be on time ( me , who has a lifelong habit of being early for everything ) and I was going to stay in the hotel that first night and I couldn 't possibly refuse because she 'd pay for my room . $ 149 , and I never heard the end of how she had to pay for it for me . So I finally acquiesced with very bad grace , rang my friend and told him I 'd be 24 hours late and yes it was a terrible shame as I 'd been so looking forward to staying with him , making sure she heard the whole lot . My last hope was that perhaps the hotel could only find a vacancy on a different level to her room , but no , the room directly across the corridor was free . By now , all the spirit had been whipped out of me , and I didn 't even protest . I collected my key , we went out to collect our bags , and went upstairs to our rooms . Alone at last , I dropped my bag at the end of the bed , took off my shoes and lay down on top of the bed , closing my eyes against the strain . A few minutes later , there was a knock at my door . Before I could get up and open it , the door flew open - her . I made a mental note to consciously lock the door every time I came in . She wanted to know what I was doing for dinner - the hotel restaurant was too expensive , she thought , having not been down there . I gave her the rest of my packed sandwiches and fruit , and told her she was welcome to it . She didn 't go away . Instead , she asked me how I was going to find my way to the parade - ground the following morning . The way everyone else did , I suggested , by reading the street directory . She didn 't think that was good enough . I had to go downstairs and get the hotel staff to help me , and it was better to do it right now . And when I went down , mind , I was to ask to talk to a proper Australian . I went to the reception , and I did in fact speak to a proper Australian , one of the ones we had just dealt with , probably someone far more Australian than she was , who happened to have Indian features . Strangely , he was far more relaxed and inclined to smile now that she wasn 't with me . I told him that we had to find this location straight after breakfast and she didn 't trust the street directory , and did he know where to go ? So he googled the directions for me and printed them out . This was better - I could prop a piece of computer - paper up on the steering - wheel and do my own navigating , easier than with a book - type map . I went upstairs again , to my own room . I locked the door . I 'm not a big fan of air conditioning but there was no other form of heating , and it was getting a bit nippy in the room , so I turned it on and adjusted the temperature . The room warmed just enough . I turned on the TV . It worked . I have no idea what I watched - it was about emptying my mind and persuading myself to relax . Although I am a morning - shower - person I went and had an evening shower - hot water is so healing . Got into my daggy ' jamas . Alone at last . Starting to feel human . Guess who knocks on my door . Yes . I wasn 't best pleased . Confirmed I had directions for the morning and yes , I 'd got them from a " proper Australian " so they were probably correct . Got rid of her . Ate everything solid in the mini - bar since she was paying - I 've never been a big drinker . Crawled into bed , set my alarm , and went to sleep . In the morning I woke to a glorious flood of sunlight . Got up , had a cup of tea with cow 's milk - well , nothing 's ever perfect . Made a mental note to bring a litre of soymilk next time I was planning on staying in a hotel . Had another shower . Got dressed in my special being - a - respectable - mother - fitting - in - with - society clothes . Looked at the time , went and knocked on my mother 's door . She was also already dressed . We went down to the hotel restaurant for our breakfast , had our names and room - numbers checked off , then went and had a feed at the buffet . There were bacon and eggs , a toaster and fresh bread , yoghurt and fruit , cereal , very good coffee . No soy milk . Oh well , I thought , and made a mental note to bring soy milk next time I stayed in a hotel . Nothing 's ever perfect . I don 't think my mother 's a morning person - she didn 't talk very much , which was frankly wonderful . After we ate , she started talking . The air conditioning in the hotel didn 't work . Her shower ran cold . The service at reception when we arrived was horrible . She couldn 't see how they had managed to get four stars . If there 's a problem with the shower and air conditioning in your room , I told her , tell reception . My air conditioning worked fine , and I had just had a lovely hot shower . The staff will never know to fix the problem if no guests in that room ever tell them about the problem . No no , I couldn 't possibly do that , they might think I 'm a nuisance . Listen you , we will be out all day . They can get their maintenance people in . And if they can 't fix it , they can relocate you to another room , perhaps mine , where you are certain the shower is hot and the air con works . No , no , I 'd hate to ever complain about anything . So I left her sitting in the foyer . With some relief , I noticed that the morning shift had white faces - and one of them had a thick European accent . Far less " proper Australians " than last night 's shift , but at least they were white . At least she wouldn 't complain about these ones . I told this person , who had no prior experience of my mother , that the sweet little old lady sitting over there was my mother , and we had spent last night in the hotel . She had been in Room Number Whatever , and she told me this morning that her air conditioning hadn 't worked , and the only water that came out of the shower was freezing . I was vacating my room this morning but she was staying two more days , and she was elderly and I 'd like her to have a room with air con and a working hot shower please . Could they perhaps move her into my room ? They looked up the register . No , Madam , your room has a prior booking , and in any case is a cheaper room than hers was . But we could upgrade her for free into the penthouse , where a senior staff member spent last night . It is being cleaned right now . We know the shower and air con is working . There will be no extra to pay and she will have a nice little balcony overlooking the park . Would your mother perhaps like that for no extra charge ? Certainly she would . So I organised it and checked myself out of my room at the same time , took charge of her key , and we moseyed on upstairs to check out her new room and move her baggage . She picked through the room carefully , checking for dirt , and found none . It was lovely . And the balcony did overlook a park , as well as the hotel carpark . There was still some time before we had to leave if we wanted to be excruciatingly early for the official parade , so she invited me in and offered me a cup of tea . There was no soymilk . I made a mental note to bring a litre of soymilk the next time I stayed in a hotel . She opened the door to her balcony so that we could sit out there at an elegant wrought - iron table and have our drinks . A fly flew in the open door , bumbled around the room a bit , and flew back out a few minutes later . She was horrified . Now she went off again , saying that not only could she not understand how they had four stars , but she couldn 't understand how they had any stars at all . For freak 's sake , it was just a fly doing what flies do ! She could have shut the balcony door and kept it out . Three months after the trip became a bad memory , she was still whining about the bloody fly . Australia is full of flies . She ought to know - she 's lived in the continent for well over half a century ! Soon we decided that it was time to leave for the parade - ground . I didn 't let her navigate this time , and following the instructions , I found my way to Duntroon , next door to ADFA where we should have been . A nice young boy in a smart dress - uniform not a lot older than my daughter gave us directions - he 'd obviously been posted there to redirect lost parents . We parked outside the ADFA complex , and started walking , after she complained about me wearing my characteristic hat . I refused to take it off . After all , it was often the only way my daughter could find me in a crowd . I was in heels - I never wear heels . I could barely walk . The ground was untamed , all nubbly and irregular and stony . I walked slowly . My mother whinged and whinged about how unfit and unhealthy I was and how in her whole life she had never seen anyone who walked so slowly . I sped up , disregarding the pain . She complained that she was only elderly , and I was leaving her behind and I should have more consideration . I slowed down again . We found the parade ground , a large patch of manicured grass a few hectares in size . There were tiered stone steps , obviously intended for observers to sit on , a small marquis full of people in dress - uniform covered in gold braid , and a couple of rows of plastic chairs . It was summer , and the sun was getting intense . My mother opened an umbrella . " Did you bring an umbrella ? " she asked . No , I hadn 't . Apparently my daughter had told her we 'd be sitting in the sun ( which was more information than I 'd got ) , and told her to tell me that we 'd both need to bring umbrellas . Mine was many hundreds of kilometres away , standing behind my backdoor at home . Great time to tell me that now , Ancient Parent . Speeches happened . Music and marches happened . Speeches happened . It got hotter and hotter . I was very grateful I had insisted on keeping my hat - it was affording me a little shelter . My mother waved her ridiculous little umbrella around , helpfully sharing it , knocking my hat off my head or poking an umbrella - rib in my nose without actually managing to give me any shade at the same time . Eventually I got up and moved into the shadow of a nearby building where I could still see most of what was happening , and fell into conversation with an army - wife and her brood of four lively , energetic , friendly pre - schoolers , one of whom was marching stiffly up and down pretending to be Daddy , who was apparently one of the guys covered in gold braid in the marquis . A delightful family - I enjoyed their company a lot . After a couple of hours of drilling in heavy uniforms in the boiling sun without any shelter , they marched the kids off the field . As they left , one collapsed , obviously heat exhaustion , and an officer and some paramedics ran out to them . I hoped it wasn 't my daughter , but it was hard to see . There were announcements over the loudspeakers to stay in the quadrangle until your uniformed children located you , as you weren 't allowed in the catering building unaccompanied by military personnel . My daughter had us to collect , as well as my ex Lyndon and his partner , who was the closest thing to a father she 'd ever had , and one of her school friends . She made phone calls and sent texts everywhere , gathering us up , then went upstairs in a building and looked out for us , identifying my mother and I immediately from my hat . She said she would never have found us without it . I 'm so glad I didn 't let her make me leave it in the car . It was the only shelter I 'd had from the sun , and it was the only way she found us . She gathered us up in a little group , and I was dreading how my mother would behave . Suddenly , though , with Lyndon and Camlyn around , she was the soul of civilisation . She was pleasant and polite . It was like being in an episode of " Twilight " or a chapter of " Sybil " . I was probably more taken aback with her sudden impersonation of a mainstream human than I had been by having spent so much time with her being nakedly Herself whilst we were alone - any family member will know exactly what I mean . We left as a group , and spent much of the weekend together , after my daughter established that she had formal leave for the rest of the weekend . Almost the first thing I did was change my shoes - no one complained about my being the slowest walker in the world after that . I was glad of the four wheel drive vehicle - I ended up doing most of the driving , with the whole group of five in the car . We went to Mt Stromlo , where I was greatly impressed with the ruins of the burnt - out circular observatories : like most ruins , they had a poignant and intriguing energy , and some day I would love to take my meditation group out there to either meditate or do ritual in the circular space of one of them in particular . That second evening , there was no way I was going to stay in the hotel again . I made it abundantly clear at the end of the day that I was just dropping her off , and driving out to Cooma to stay with my friend in his ramshackle little old house . We had a wonderful time : we talked and laughed and ate and talked and laughed some more . At the end of the night he dropped a single mattress on the floor , I pulled out my sleeping - bag , and I effectively camped on his living - room floor , within reach of a wood - fired stove to take the edge off the alpine chill . My mother and I had agreed on a time in the morning , and I breakfasted with my friend and set off in plenty of time . Sadly , on the long country road to Canberra , someone had rolled their vehicle , and by the time I came over the rise there was a fire crew , hosing all the spilt fuel off the road . There was nothing much I could do - I switched off my engine and sat it out . I was too far from either town to have mobile coverage , so I couldn 't ring . Eventually they let me pass , and I sped onwards . When there was a phone signal again , the old lady rang me . She asked when I 'd be there . I estimated that I was about twenty minutes away , if I made good time once I hit the urban traffic . I didn 't . I took over half an hour . So I arrived , and got roundedly yelled - at for being late . Then she demanded that I ring my daughter to make sure she was ready to be picked up - and on the phone , I got roundedly yelled - at for being three hours early ! She wanted to spend some time with her younger friends before seeing us , and who could blame her . Talk about meat in the sandwich - in the wrong for being too late and in the wrong for being too early , in one fell swoop ! I got yelled at by everyone ! A couple of hours later on , we arranged to meet at the National Art Gallery : my daugher and her friend , Lyndon and Camlyn , us , and the friend 's family . We had coffee and spent some time together as a group , some time as sub - groups , and some time as individuals . I was particularly impressed by the exhibition of photographic portraiture and by one individual statuette of the Hindu Goddess Durga , whose likeness now adorns both my bedroom and my living - room as a direct result of that weekend . I still light her candles and pay her respect . A lot of driving happened . Some time in the weekend , my daughter noticed that the registration sticker on the windscreen appeared to be a few months out of date . My mother threw a huge fit - I think she was visualising my being thrown into gaol or worse , all of us . It was a hire car - I wasn 't responsible for its registration . Lyndon and Camlyn went their own way . My daughter went her own way . Eventually it was the two of us again , and the paroxysms over the registration only got worse . Talk about time ruined ! So we drove to the car hire place , to find it was closed . We rang the emergency number , one of their other branches , only to find out that the car was registered to one of their branches but hadn 't actually been returned to that branch , that the sticker was waiting there , and that the car was definitely legal . Any random policeman had inboard computers which would have shown that in an instant , and I was driving too well to attract police notice , anyway . All of this took hours and hours of super - stressful time which we could have spent pretending to enjoy each other 's company , but I suppose that was too much to hope for . I spent a second night at my friend 's place , unwinding and regaling him with the stories , which afforded him much amusement . Laughter is a great defusing technique , and I felt a lot better . The train back to Sydney was going to leave at lunchtime the following day . Early that morning , I packed up and bade my friend and his great big dopey malamute Kia a fond farewell - I don 't get to see either of them anywhere near often enough , and I had really enjoyed staying . I loaded my stuff in the car . I drove to my mother 's hotel . She checked out . We drove around for a while , then filled the tank as per the contractual agreement with the car rental mob , and headed back to their premises . Now . Remember that deposit ? The credit card imprint that they hadn 't used ? Keep that in your mind . Fortunately , those same staff members weren 't on duty - it was a whole stack of fresh faces . Firstly , my mother was hugely offended that they went and looked at the vehicle to make sure I hadn 't dented it and to make sure the tank was filled . Her word should have been enough - she wasn 't a member of the criminal classes , after all . They were very polite to her and assured her it was only policy and they really didn 't think it was necessary . They did it anyway , though . Then I handed over the keys and signed the car back to them . Then my mother tried to get her deposit back , the extra eighty dollars that she had paid in cash . Dammit , she remembered paying it in cash , and she wasn 't mad ! She wanted it back , and she wanted it back in cash , and she wanted it back now , as we only had a couple of hours to catch our train . She didn 't believe that the company would employ such dishonest and obstructive staff , and she was going to write to the manager when we got back home . And her husband was a lawyer ( also , he was twenty years ' dead ) , so they 'd be well advised to return her money . Another young woman , in her middle thirties , was reduced not to tears , but to being very red - faced and swollen . Another man of about the same age was referred to as a little boy , and was thunderously angry but felt he couldn 't even raise his voice , let alone say what he thought ( they really , really train their staff well ! ) . Eventually , they actually showed her the credit card imprint , and tore it into little pieces in front of her eyes before she was satisfied . She didn 't apologise , though , that would have been too much to expect . Instead , she stalked out of there in high dudgeon , muttering about incompetents and frauds under her breath - but not under her breath enough . I dawdled slightly . I didn 't dare say anything audible because I would never have heard the end of it , but I made eye contact with everyone in the room , and mouthed the words " I 'm sorry " behind her back . It was the best I could do . We caught a taxi to the train station , fortunately without incident so the driver was probably white , I can 't really remember . Checked in our luggage two an a half hours early . Went looking for coffee , which involved a walk of a couple of kilometres in the rain . We were only so early because she had insisted that we would be late . Then we had to walk back in the rain , get on the train , wait for it to leave . And all this time , she hadn 't stopped talking about the terrible service and unregistered car ( it now was properly unregistered , apparently ) , the dreadful hotel room , and the fly in the hotel room , how unhygienic it all was . I pretended to sleep - I was too wound - up to sleep . Five hours later , the train pulled up in Sydney . She had a short trip home - I had another hour and a half in an inter - urban train plus an hour 's bus - ride ahead of me , so no thank you , I didn 't want to hang around for coffee , I wanted to get on this train over here , heading my way . But it doesn 't leave for twenty minutes , we could - I 'll get on it right now if you don 't mind ! And I did . For months , every time she spoke to me , she talked about the bloody fly . And half a year later she rang me up for one reason and one reason only . " Do you remember the deposit for the rental car ? " I did . " Did they ever give it back to me ? " Don 't worry , they didn 't cheat you . " Because it hasn 't come up on any of my bank statements . I can 't remember them paying it back in cash , did they pay it back in cash ? Or did they give you the cash ? If they gave it to you , you should give it to me . " They never took cash . They took a second credit card imprint , which they were only going to use if we damaged the car . " Oh . Well , I 'm just going to have to keep watching my bank statements , to make sure they don 't use it in the future . " They destroyed it , they can 't use it . " You can never guarantee that - they [ the criminal classes ] are very clever . " * Personal introduction : Clinical hypnotherapist : Dip . Hyp ( App . ) , the Sydney College of Applied Hypnotherapy , 1987 . Herbalist : Dip . HM ( Dorothy Hall College ) 1986 . Reiki II . One - quarter of everything I earn through this blog is donated to the Guide Dog Association . From time to time in individual posts I might call for charitable donations to one cause or another ( recently , the Queensland floods ) . All such donations go to the stated appeal or charity . I withhold only the withdrawal charges from Paypal , which goes straight to Paypal . |
In January , I went somewhere for a few days , and travelled with my mother . It was hair - raising , and I blogged about it here . Today my kid brother ( I have a kid brother , 50 , and a baby brother in his mid - forties ) visited , and I tried to show him the blog entry , but it seemed to have disappeared off into the ether , disappearing even from my blog archives . So as I haven 't paid too much attention to this blog recently , I thought I 'd have another go at writing it up . Our mother isn 't the - er - easiest person in the world to deal with , and while the weekend was horrific to live through , it was high comedy to write about and to describe to my brother . I didn 't get too far into the story before a friend visited , putting the kybosh on telling the rest of the story , and my co - resident turned up not long afterwards , killing it completely . I was going to show my brother the blog entry , but it has become invisible , apparently , although entries before and after it are still there , so here we go - take two at telling the story . The trip was all about my daughter , who had recently moved out in order to go to university via the ADFA system - training for an officer 's job in the Australian Army and picking up a university degree without a HECS debt at the same time . It 's pretty hard to get a free - or even affordable - degree these days , so she did well to be accepted . After a number of weeks ' basic military training they were to have a big welcome - to - the - military parade , with all the top brass , and this is what we were travelling to , as it happened on site in Canberra , quite a distant city . I decided to go down there by train , a five - hour trip starting on Friday at about lunchtime . We were to stay the entire weekend , and come back up on Monday . I was planning to sleep at my friend Niall 's place in Cooma , a town an hour or two 's drive out of Canberra . My mother , as the all - important grandmother , was going to come , too , and was going to hire a car once we were down there for both our use around town and for me to drive out to Cooma nightly to sleep at my friend 's place . My mother 's surname is West . My surname is Merrieweather . Nothing alike . We booked our tickets separately , on the same train as there are only two trains a day between the cities . Guess what - we were given adjoining seats . Knowing what she 's like , and knowing what I 'm like , this bothered me immediately . Adjoining seats ? We 'd have to sit next to each other for a whole five hours . Never mind , I consoled myself , I 'd do anything for my daughter whom I loved with a ferocious maternal love , anything . Even sitting next to my mother for five hours . After all , isn 't she meant to love me the same way ? Yeah , right . But still , it was an important day for my daughter , and I was always damn well going to be there . Her grandmother was also always going to be there . Neither of us were ever going to miss it . It was all good . The day before we travelled , she rang me to confirm that I had my ticket for the trip ( of course I had ) . She told me not to check in my luggage when I got to the station the next morning , " because it will take ages to get it back , and the train gets in after four , and the car rental place closes at six " . Two hours ? I wouldn 't have thought it was a problem . I decided that I couldn 't face the trip without a moment of peace and tranquillity first , so I turned up a couple of hours early to sit in a cafe with a nice coffee and read a few pages of my book beforehand . Being a good , obedient daughter - or at least wanting to keep the peace beforehand - I didn 't check in my luggage . I had one black suitcase with my toiletries and a long - weekend 's - worth of clothes , pyjamas etc in it , a black backpack with food and drink for the trip ( I have eaten lunches bought on XPT trains before , and they are truly awful ) and a warm layer of clothes in case the air conditioning was cranked up to Too Cold , and I had a handbag with all the personal stuff you carry around in your handbag . My black backpack and matching suitcase had been pre - decorated by me , with braids of brightly multi - coloured wool hanging from each of the zippers , and there were a lot of those . A matching set , looking all very hippy and rainbow - peopley . Unique , yes ? Remember that , it becomes important later . So , thinking I was mother - free for at the very least an hour , I sought out coffee . Before I 'd even bought one , she found me . She was carrying a handbag - and not pulling any luggage . I asked her where her luggage was , and she said she had checked hers in , and why hadn 't I ? I 'd better hurry and check it in , she told me . Careful not to roll my eyes , I went to the baggage office to check in the luggage that she had told me not to check in . I intended to keep my backpack and handbag with me , and check in the suitcase . She came trotting after me . We got to the baggage office , and there was a queue of about half - a - dozen people lined up in front of us . First in the door , I added myself to the end of the line . She swanned right in , walked to the counter at the head of the queue , pushed in before the guy already being served , and started talking to the attendant , a man in his fifties . Some of the people in the queue protested , and the guy behind the counter politely suggested that others had been here before her and were waiting , and could she please queue up at the end . She walked back to me at the end of the queue , and said loudly enough for everyone in the room to hear : " I suppose I could let these people be served first . " At " these people " there was a very real sneer of contempt in her voice . So we waited , and it wasn 't long - the system was fast , efficient and polite . By the time we got to the head of the line , I had my rolly - bag in one hand and my ticket in the other . As I opened my mouth to talk to the guy , she bodily snatched the ticket out of my hand and told him she 'd like to check in the bag . I was fifty at the time - I 'd probably travelled before . I 'd almost certainly checked in luggage before . But no , I was incompetent , and she loudly and busily checked it in for me . It got X - rayed , weighed and put aside with the other checked - in bags for the Canberra train . Several times , loudly , she asked him to make especially sure this bag got on the Canberra train . Several times , he told Madam that it could only go on the Canberra train , as that was all they were checking - in at the moment . Several times she insisted on asking him how could he be sure it would be taken off at the right station . Several times he said Madam , the bag has a clear label , and will be taken off the train at the Canberra station and nowhere else . She is only a short woman , though terribly scary , and during this dialogue he glanced at me sympthetically over her head . Each time I met his eyes , and smiled sadly . She was oblivious , although she was looking right at him . Finally my bag was checked in , slower than everyone before us , and he went to hand me my ticket , asking if it was mine . Yes it 's hers , she said before I could reply , and snatched it out of both our hands just as he was giving it to me . When we left the luggage office , I asked for my ticket . She said she wanted to make sure I wasn 't going to lose it . I retrieved it from her anyway , and ostentatiously put it in my handbag , telling her I wouldn 't lose it . By now , my nerves were already shot ( mostly in anticipation of worse to come ) , and we weren 't even on the train yet . I needed that coffee , but there was no chance of enjoying it in peace . We retraced our steps to the cafe , and ordered , now that we were finally freed of the luggage that she 'd told me not to check in the previous evening . We had coffee . Conversation was stilted , noncommittal and peaceful . I didn 't enjoy my coffee . So far so good . About half an hour before departure we ended up on the platform , and even though there were signs everywhere not to board the train because cleaners were at work , she maintained that we had paid - for tickets , so despite the signs she had a right to board the train whenever she liked . With difficulty , I restrained her , still keeping the peace , and suggested that we might like some freshly polluted city air before five hours of air - conditioned travel . Grumbling , she settled down on the platform until the cleaners finished . The moment a cleaner emerged from the carriage whose number was on our tickets and even before they picked up their " no entry cleaning in progress " signs and wheeled their cleaning carts away , she was pushing her way on board and anxiously checking and re - checking seat numbers on tickets and seat numbers on seats . We are both quite fleshy people , and the seats were designed for skinny little dwarves . We were going to be sitting , thigh pressed to thigh , for five hours . I didn 't like it . Never mind , I told myself , be barely polite to her . You have a superb natural gift : you can put yourself into a deep , natural sleep at will whether you are tired or not . As soon as the train pulls out , fall asleep . She can 't object . As soon as the train pulled out , I fell asleep , properly asleep . She nudged me awake . " Are you tired ? " she asked disbelievingly . " " Yes , " I lied , and prepared to sleep again . This went on for some time - every time I fell into a deeper sleep than a light doze , she 'd nudge me awake and start talking to me loudly again . An hour or two into the trip , she decided it was lunchtime . I already knew what that meant , so I had packed far too much lunch in anticipation . Apples , grapes and plums . Wholemeal sandwiches with salami , a really expensive cheese , grated fresh carrot and sorrel leaves from my garden , home - grown , organic and biodynamic . They were probably even still photosynthesising in those sandwiches . Having had prior experience of her lunches , I pulled some of my sandwiches out of my backpack with alacrity . True to form , she pulled a glad - wrapped sandwich of some description out of her bag , unwrapped it , took one of the cut halves , wrenched it into two pieces whilst twisting it and pressing the air out of the bread turning it effectively into dough again , and offered me one of the torn and squashed halves of a half - sandwich . I gratefully refused , opened one of my own sandwiches , and offered her another one , still sealed and unsquashed , just as a sandwich should be offered . She had no idea that I was trying to demonstrate the correct way to share sandwiches . Later on , she tore another half - sandwich in half , squashing it completely , and offered it to me again . Again , I pointed out that I had plenty , and would she like another . She helped me eat my plums , which were perfectly ripe , delicious , numerous , and which I was very happy to share . I slept again . Every so often she 'd wake me to say something . I 'd give her the minimum polite answer , and put myself to sleep again . She offered me squashed sandwiches several times , I offered her fresh sandwiches every so often . Once she accepted one , gingerly bit into it and discovered to her surprise that in addition to not being poisoned , it also was quite delicious . I was glad that I had made many of them - obviously my anticipation of what lunching with her would be like had been fairly spot - on . Despite my attempts to sleep the hours dragged , and arrival in Canberra took forever . I woke up properly five minutes earlier , another sleep - related skill of mine , and stayed alert . Just before we pulled up at the station we passed a huge apple - tree growing on the wasteland along the track , laden with large , perfectly ripe red apples of one variety or other . The tree had never been pruned and had a scatty growth - habit , but its fruit looked wonderful . As a Pagan , to whom apples were sacred and a symbol of the Afterlife , I was greatly cheered by this sight . We pulled in at the station . This was where she had expected the checked - in luggage to take hours to retrieve . By the time we climbed out of the carriage onto the platform , there was a neat array of suitcases there , in all sizes , shapes and colours . She grabbed the only black one with a big yellow spot painted on it - hers - without checking the label . I grabbed the only black one with bright rainbow braids hanging from all the zippers - mine , and matching my backpack - without checking the label . It was the only suitcase there with colourful braids on it . Nonetheless , she insisted on checking the label on it , and reading it thoroughly to make sure I wasn 't stealing someone else 's bag . I pointed out the matching braids . That wasn 't evidence enough of my ownership , although apparently a big yellow spot was evidence enough for her ownership . Wonderful . Eventually she ascertained for herself that the bag I thought was mine was in fact mine , and the next stage was to find a cab to take us from the train station to the car rental mob where we had booked the car for the weekend . We walked out of the station , and found two signs . The one pointing left said " To Bus Stop " . The one pointing right said " To Taxis " . She walked left , the crowd and I walked right . Taxis pulled up in front of her to let passengers off near the doors , then swung away before she could climb in , coming back to the taxi - rank where the first person in line would climb in . I was somewhere in the middle of the line , but she kept bleating at me , so I eventually left my position and walked to her . " None of them will let me in , " she said . I pointed out that the taxi rank was where all the people were lined up , so after she finally digested this information we walked over to the queue . I put myself at the end of it . She waltzed up to the head of the line , giving me a flashback to the luggage office earlier in the day . The screams of protest were louder now - everyone had been travelling for a long time , and didn 't want to sacrifice their cabs to her . Grumbling , she lined up with me at the very end of the line , bitching about how selfish people were . It completely escaped her notice that if she had followed me in the first place we would now be ten or twelve people ahead of where we now were in the line . Cabs came and cabs went . We were the very last people in line , and eventually a last cab came and picked us up . It was being driven by an Australian guy with a broad Australian accent , sounding for the world like my baby brother , who has an almost exaggerated Aussie accent . She looked at his face , and decided that he was a foreigner . She immediately started speaking very , very slowly and very , very loudly , to make sure he understood . Recognising racism in action - his ancestors evidently came from India - he flattened his vowels even further until he sounded like the most Australian of Australians . She was oblivious . The whole drive , she pointed out how much she liked Indians ( speaking loudly and slowly ) and how some Indians were actually very nice people ( still speaking slowly and loudly ) and how once he had been in the country a little longer he would learn to read street signs and realise they should have gone straight ahead ( which would have meant ignoring a detour sign and heavy machinery in the middle of the road ) . He doggedly followed the detour signs until they brought him back on the main road , being polite and very Australian at her . She was oblivious , and kept chatting in an artificially non - racist way about how nice Indians were , including telling him that his photo on the driver ID didn 't look at all like him because in it he was wearing a turban and today he wasn 't wearing it . Never mind that his facial features were identical despite his lack of headwear - had he , perhaps , " borrowed " the ID ? I sat there , cringing . He was a normal bloke - why couldn 't she just talk to him like a normal bloke ? When we got there she paid the exact fare - and I quietly dropped an enormous tip on the seat I was climbing out of . As I climbed out , he shot me a look of extreme compassion and sympathy . I grinned back at him . He pocketed the tip and drove away . He 'll remember her , and never let her in his cab again . She then commented about how immigrants would always drive you the long way around in order to earn a larger fWe were in front of the car hire place , a reputable international mob who have been around for decades and have a great business reputation . I steeled myself to walk in . I just knew this was going to be awful . Don 't ask me how - perhaps I 'm psychic . I just knew . She identified herself , and told them she had booked a car online . They checked their computer and said yes , there was a booking . But they didn 't have enough of the model car she had ordered , and would she like a larger , more expensive one for the same price ? The obvious answer was yes , especially as I was the designated driver . But no , she tried to insist on the smaller car . I pointed out that the car they had was probably more expensive to hire normally , and only then , when we had established that we were getting an effective discount of twenty dollars per day for the whole weekend did she subside . Then she thought of something . She turned to me . " You can 't drive four wheel drives . " " Yes , I can . I have before . " " You 've never owned a four wheel drive . " This was starting to work up into an argument . The girl intervened . She said that it was a very easy four wheel drive , and I looked like a responsible driver , and my driver 's licence was valid , and would I like to practise for a while in the lot before going out onto the road ? Finally my mother doubtfully accepted that perhaps thirty years ' driving experience in all kinds of vehicles might help , and I might actually be able to drive the four wheel drive . That settled , it was time to pay for the vehicle . My mother fished a wad of notes out of her handbag . The girl looked uncertain . " Sorry , Madam , we don 't take cash . " My mother insisted . She only liked to pay cash . The girl insisted . It was unsafe for their employees to walk to the bank with large amounts of cash , so they only took cards . Did madam have a card ? Madam did , but Madam wasn 't going to use a card to hire a car . Why , what was to stop the car hire people putting a second transaction on her card after she left ? The girl was by now nearly in tears . My mother asked to speak to her supervisor . The girl came back with a man in his late thirties or early forties . My mother sneered , and said she didn 't want to talk to little boys , she wanted to talk to the boss . The man tried very hard to be polite , insistent and firm . Finally , with me on his side , he managed to persuade her that this was company policy in all their outlets in Australia , and that they had been around for over fifty years , and that in all that time there had never been any allegations of credit card fraud . Still muttering darkly , she finally agreed . They quoted the agreed price for the cheaper car that she had been given online , plus an $ 80 deposit in case of accident or non - return of the vehicle . She bridled . She told me that she had known all along they were going to cheat her . I told her I was sure they wouldn 't , I had dealt with the same company in my home town a few years earlier , and I had had no problem with getting my deposit back . She wasn 't mollified . The supervisor explained that for the deposit they would take a second imprint of her credit card , but that one would be kept on - site and would only be used if we did not return the vehicle . He was sure we were honest people , and would return the car , and if we did , the imprint for the deposit would be destroyed and never presented to her bank for payment . Nonetheless , she insisted on speaking to the " real boss " , someone with a bit of experience . They immediately pulled an old codger out of a cubicle somewhere . She immediately relaxed at the sight of pre - retirement wrinkles and white hair . He explained that the credit card imprint would be stored in a locked safe until the car was returned , then destroyed according to company policy . All this had taken an hour , and the girl was close to breaking down . As we walked out to the car outside , she shot me a " protect me from your mother ! " look , a haunted , desperate look . The two gentlemen looked pretty desperate , too , and infinitely happy that we were actually climbing into the vehicle . Remember the deposit . It will become important later . It was early evening now , and the next stop was the hotel where she would be staying . We got into the car , and I asked what the name of the hotel was . She didn 't know . I told her to find out . Her booking papers were in her luggage , so we had to climb out of the car again , open up the back , pull out her suitcase , open it up and rummage around . She found the bit of paper , put her bag in the car , and we got back in . I asked what the address of the hotel was . She looked at her print - out of the booking details . " It doesn 't have an address " , she said . Great , fabulous . This was going to be a wonderful weekend . In the taxi we had passed a tourist information booth , so she asked me to drive back there to find out the address of the hotel . We did . It was now after six , and it was closed , with no one there to help us . She complained about how nobody was prepared to work any more , and how you couldn 't get service any place . I asked her to recheck her booking papers . Nope , still no address . I snatched them out of her hand . Yes , there was an address - in bold type ! So we climbed back into the car , I thrust the street directory at her , and told her to navigate . After all , she was a supposedly intelligent woman , and I was dealing with two new things : an unknown city and an unknown car . We wandered aimlessly around for a while , turning what seemed to be random corners . We passed several places multiple times . I kept silent , and drove according to her directions . We were whistling down a major road and she had just told me how many streets ahead to turn , when I saw a hotel sign . It was her hotel , where it shouldn 't be ( according to her ) . I did a U - turn at the next legal point , and pulled into the hotel 's carpark . She was immediately flustered - she wasn 't booked in yet , so I had no right to park there . I absolutely wasn 't going to unpark the car , park it on the road , then come out and park it again - I grimly told her that I had the keys , and the car was staying wherever I damn well put it . We walked into reception . I just wanted to flee by now , and escape to Cooma , where I knew friendship , food and low - maintenance , enjoyable conversation awaited me . Behind the counter were two young Australian people in well - pressed uniforms , a man and a woman . And yes , you guessed it - they had South Asian features and fluent English with native - born Australian accents . Immediately she switched on her non - racist , Indian - loving , loud , slow voice . I mean - damn ! They were probably born here , she herself was born overseas ! Why so judgemental ? She confirmed her booking , then set about booking a room for me . I immediately demurred . I wanted to go to Cooma , and some kind of a personal welcome plus relaxing down - time and probably a feed at Niall 's favourite place , the " local Chineesie " . The strain had been going on all day , and I just wanted a break . But no , she told me she couldn 't trust me to be on time ( me , who has a lifelong habit of being early for everything ) and I was going to stay in the hotel that first night and I couldn 't possibly refuse because she 'd pay for my room . $ 149 , and I never heard the end of how she had to pay for it for me . So I finally acquiesced with very bad grace , rang my friend and told him I 'd be 24 hours late and yes it was a terrible shame as I 'd been so looking forward to staying with him , making sure she heard the whole lot . My last hope was that perhaps the hotel could only find a vacancy on a different level to her room , but no , the room directly across the corridor was free . By now , all the spirit had been whipped out of me , and I didn 't even protest . I collected my key , we went out to collect our bags , and went upstairs to our rooms . Alone at last , I dropped my bag at the end of the bed , took off my shoes and lay down on top of the bed , closing my eyes against the strain . A few minutes later , there was a knock at my door . Before I could get up and open it , the door flew open - her . I made a mental note to consciously lock the door every time I came in . She wanted to know what I was doing for dinner - the hotel restaurant was too expensive , she thought , having not been down there . I gave her the rest of my packed sandwiches and fruit , and told her she was welcome to it . She didn 't go away . Instead , she asked me how I was going to find my way to the parade - ground the following morning . The way everyone else did , I suggested , by reading the street directory . She didn 't think that was good enough . I had to go downstairs and get the hotel staff to help me , and it was better to do it right now . And when I went down , mind , I was to ask to talk to a proper Australian . I went to the reception , and I did in fact speak to a proper Australian , one of the ones we had just dealt with , probably someone far more Australian than she was , who happened to have Indian features . Strangely , he was far more relaxed and inclined to smile now that she wasn 't with me . I told him that we had to find this location straight after breakfast and she didn 't trust the street directory , and did he know where to go ? So he googled the directions for me and printed them out . This was better - I could prop a piece of computer - paper up on the steering - wheel and do my own navigating , easier than with a book - type map . I went upstairs again , to my own room . I locked the door . I 'm not a big fan of air conditioning but there was no other form of heating , and it was getting a bit nippy in the room , so I turned it on and adjusted the temperature . The room warmed just enough . I turned on the TV . It worked . I have no idea what I watched - it was about emptying my mind and persuading myself to relax . Although I am a morning - shower - person I went and had an evening shower - hot water is so healing . Got into my daggy ' jamas . Alone at last . Starting to feel human . Guess who knocks on my door . Yes . I wasn 't best pleased . Confirmed I had directions for the morning and yes , I 'd got them from a " proper Australian " so they were probably correct . Got rid of her . Ate everything solid in the mini - bar since she was paying - I 've never been a big drinker . Crawled into bed , set my alarm , and went to sleep . In the morning I woke to a glorious flood of sunlight . Got up , had a cup of tea with cow 's milk - well , nothing 's ever perfect . Made a mental note to bring a litre of soymilk next time I was planning on staying in a hotel . Had another shower . Got dressed in my special being - a - respectable - mother - fitting - in - with - society clothes . Looked at the time , went and knocked on my mother 's door . She was also already dressed . We went down to the hotel restaurant for our breakfast , had our names and room - numbers checked off , then went and had a feed at the buffet . There were bacon and eggs , a toaster and fresh bread , yoghurt and fruit , cereal , very good coffee . No soy milk . Oh well , I thought , and made a mental note to bring soy milk next time I stayed in a hotel . Nothing 's ever perfect . I don 't think my mother 's a morning person - she didn 't talk very much , which was frankly wonderful . After we ate , she started talking . The air conditioning in the hotel didn 't work . Her shower ran cold . The service at reception when we arrived was horrible . She couldn 't see how they had managed to get four stars . If there 's a problem with the shower and air conditioning in your room , I told her , tell reception . My air conditioning worked fine , and I had just had a lovely hot shower . The staff will never know to fix the problem if no guests in that room ever tell them about the problem . No no , I couldn 't possibly do that , they might think I 'm a nuisance . Listen you , we will be out all day . They can get their maintenance people in . And if they can 't fix it , they can relocate you to another room , perhaps mine , where you are certain the shower is hot and the air con works . No , no , I 'd hate to ever complain about anything . So I left her sitting in the foyer . With some relief , I noticed that the morning shift had white faces - and one of them had a thick European accent . Far less " proper Australians " than last night 's shift , but at least they were white . At least she wouldn 't complain about these ones . I told this person , who had no prior experience of my mother , that the sweet little old lady sitting over there was my mother , and we had spent last night in the hotel . She had been in Room Number Whatever , and she told me this morning that her air conditioning hadn 't worked , and the only water that came out of the shower was freezing . I was vacating my room this morning but she was staying two more days , and she was elderly and I 'd like her to have a room with air con and a working hot shower please . Could they perhaps move her into my room ? They looked up the register . No , Madam , your room has a prior booking , and in any case is a cheaper room than hers was . But we could upgrade her for free into the penthouse , where a senior staff member spent last night . It is being cleaned right now . We know the shower and air con is working . There will be no extra to pay and she will have a nice little balcony overlooking the park . Would your mother perhaps like that for no extra charge ? Certainly she would . So I organised it and checked myself out of my room at the same time , took charge of her key , and we moseyed on upstairs to check out her new room and move her baggage . She picked through the room carefully , checking for dirt , and found none . It was lovely . And the balcony did overlook a park , as well as the hotel carpark . There was still some time before we had to leave if we wanted to be excruciatingly early for the official parade , so she invited me in and offered me a cup of tea . There was no soymilk . I made a mental note to bring a litre of soymilk the next time I stayed in a hotel . She opened the door to her balcony so that we could sit out there at an elegant wrought - iron table and have our drinks . A fly flew in the open door , bumbled around the room a bit , and flew back out a few minutes later . She was horrified . Now she went off again , saying that not only could she not understand how they had four stars , but she couldn 't understand how they had any stars at all . For freak 's sake , it was just a fly doing what flies do ! She could have shut the balcony door and kept it out . Three months after the trip became a bad memory , she was still whining about the bloody fly . Australia is full of flies . She ought to know - she 's lived in the continent for well over half a century ! Soon we decided that it was time to leave for the parade - ground . I didn 't let her navigate this time , and following the instructions , I found my way to Duntroon , next door to ADFA where we should have been . A nice young boy in a smart dress - uniform not a lot older than my daughter gave us directions - he 'd obviously been posted there to redirect lost parents . We parked outside the ADFA complex , and started walking , after she complained about me wearing my characteristic hat . I refused to take it off . After all , it was often the only way my daughter could find me in a crowd . I was in heels - I never wear heels . I could barely walk . The ground was untamed , all nubbly and irregular and stony . I walked slowly . My mother whinged and whinged about how unfit and unhealthy I was and how in her whole life she had never seen anyone who walked so slowly . I sped up , disregarding the pain . She complained that she was only elderly , and I was leaving her behind and I should have more consideration . I slowed down again . We found the parade ground , a large patch of manicured grass a few hectares in size . There were tiered stone steps , obviously intended for observers to sit on , a small marquis full of people in dress - uniform covered in gold braid , and a couple of rows of plastic chairs . It was summer , and the sun was getting intense . My mother opened an umbrella . " Did you bring an umbrella ? " she asked . No , I hadn 't . Apparently my daughter had told her we 'd be sitting in the sun ( which was more information than I 'd got ) , and told her to tell me that we 'd both need to bring umbrellas . Mine was many hundreds of kilometres away , standing behind my backdoor at home . Great time to tell me that now , Ancient Parent . Speeches happened . Music and marches happened . Speeches happened . It got hotter and hotter . I was very grateful I had insisted on keeping my hat - it was affording me a little shelter . My mother waved her ridiculous little umbrella around , helpfully sharing it , knocking my hat off my head or poking an umbrella - rib in my nose without actually managing to give me any shade at the same time . Eventually I got up and moved into the shadow of a nearby building where I could still see most of what was happening , and fell into conversation with an army - wife and her brood of four lively , energetic , friendly pre - schoolers , one of whom was marching stiffly up and down pretending to be Daddy , who was apparently one of the guys covered in gold braid in the marquis . A delightful family - I enjoyed their company a lot . After a couple of hours of drilling in heavy uniforms in the boiling sun without any shelter , they marched the kids off the field . As they left , one collapsed , obviously heat exhaustion , and an officer and some paramedics ran out to them . I hoped it wasn 't my daughter , but it was hard to see . There were announcements over the loudspeakers to stay in the quadrangle until your uniformed children located you , as you weren 't allowed in the catering building unaccompanied by military personnel . My daughter had us to collect , as well as my ex Lyndon and his partner , who was the closest thing to a father she 'd ever had , and one of her school friends . She made phone calls and sent texts everywhere , gathering us up , then went upstairs in a building and looked out for us , identifying my mother and I immediately from my hat . She said she would never have found us without it . I 'm so glad I didn 't let her make me leave it in the car . It was the only shelter I 'd had from the sun , and it was the only way she found us . She gathered us up in a little group , and I was dreading how my mother would behave . Suddenly , though , with Lyndon and Camlyn around , she was the soul of civilisation . She was pleasant and polite . It was like being in an episode of " Twilight " or a chapter of " Sybil " . I was probably more taken aback with her sudden impersonation of a mainstream human than I had been by having spent so much time with her being nakedly Herself whilst we were alone - any family member will know exactly what I mean . We left as a group , and spent much of the weekend together , after my daughter established that she had formal leave for the rest of the weekend . Almost the first thing I did was change my shoes - no one complained about my being the slowest walker in the world after that . I was glad of the four wheel drive vehicle - I ended up doing most of the driving , with the whole group of five in the car . We went to Mt Stromlo , where I was greatly impressed with the ruins of the burnt - out circular observatories : like most ruins , they had a poignant and intriguing energy , and some day I would love to take my meditation group out there to either meditate or do ritual in the circular space of one of them in particular . That second evening , there was no way I was going to stay in the hotel again . I made it abundantly clear at the end of the day that I was just dropping her off , and driving out to Cooma to stay with my friend in his ramshackle little old house . We had a wonderful time : we talked and laughed and ate and talked and laughed some more . At the end of the night he dropped a single mattress on the floor , I pulled out my sleeping - bag , and I effectively camped on his living - room floor , within reach of a wood - fired stove to take the edge off the alpine chill . My mother and I had agreed on a time in the morning , and I breakfasted with my friend and set off in plenty of time . Sadly , on the long country road to Canberra , someone had rolled their vehicle , and by the time I came over the rise there was a fire crew , hosing all the spilt fuel off the road . There was nothing much I could do - I switched off my engine and sat it out . I was too far from either town to have mobile coverage , so I couldn 't ring . Eventually they let me pass , and I sped onwards . When there was a phone signal again , the old lady rang me . She asked when I 'd be there . I estimated that I was about twenty minutes away , if I made good time once I hit the urban traffic . I didn 't . I took over half an hour . So I arrived , and got roundedly yelled - at for being late . Then she demanded that I ring my daughter to make sure she was ready to be picked up - and on the phone , I got roundedly yelled - at for being three hours early ! She wanted to spend some time with her younger friends before seeing us , and who could blame her . Talk about meat in the sandwich - in the wrong for being too late and in the wrong for being too early , in one fell swoop ! I got yelled at by everyone ! A couple of hours later on , we arranged to meet at the National Art Gallery : my daugher and her friend , Lyndon and Camlyn , us , and the friend 's family . We had coffee and spent some time together as a group , some time as sub - groups , and some time as individuals . I was particularly impressed by the exhibition of photographic portraiture and by one individual statuette of the Hindu Goddess Durga , whose likeness now adorns both my bedroom and my living - room as a direct result of that weekend . I still light her candles and pay her respect . A lot of driving happened . Some time in the weekend , my daughter noticed that the registration sticker on the windscreen appeared to be a few months out of date . My mother threw a huge fit - I think she was visualising my being thrown into gaol or worse , all of us . It was a hire car - I wasn 't responsible for its registration . Lyndon and Camlyn went their own way . My daughter went her own way . Eventually it was the two of us again , and the paroxysms over the registration only got worse . Talk about time ruined ! So we drove to the car hire place , to find it was closed . We rang the emergency number , one of their other branches , only to find out that the car was registered to one of their branches but hadn 't actually been returned to that branch , that the sticker was waiting there , and that the car was definitely legal . Any random policeman had inboard computers which would have shown that in an instant , and I was driving too well to attract police notice , anyway . All of this took hours and hours of super - stressful time which we could have spent pretending to enjoy each other 's company , but I suppose that was too much to hope for . I spent a second night at my friend 's place , unwinding and regaling him with the stories , which afforded him much amusement . Laughter is a great defusing technique , and I felt a lot better . The train back to Sydney was going to leave at lunchtime the following day . Early that morning , I packed up and bade my friend and his great big dopey malamute Kia a fond farewell - I don 't get to see either of them anywhere near often enough , and I had really enjoyed staying . I loaded my stuff in the car . I drove to my mother 's hotel . She checked out . We drove around for a while , then filled the tank as per the contractual agreement with the car rental mob , and headed back to their premises . Now . Remember that deposit ? The credit card imprint that they hadn 't used ? Keep that in your mind . Fortunately , those same staff members weren 't on duty - it was a whole stack of fresh faces . Firstly , my mother was hugely offended that they went and looked at the vehicle to make sure I hadn 't dented it and to make sure the tank was filled . Her word should have been enough - she wasn 't a member of the criminal classes , after all . They were very polite to her and assured her it was only policy and they really didn 't think it was necessary . They did it anyway , though . Then I handed over the keys and signed the car back to them . Then my mother tried to get her deposit back , the extra eighty dollars that she had paid in cash . Dammit , she remembered paying it in cash , and she wasn 't mad ! She wanted it back , and she wanted it back in cash , and she wanted it back now , as we only had a couple of hours to catch our train . She didn 't believe that the company would employ such dishonest and obstructive staff , and she was going to write to the manager when we got back home . And her husband was a lawyer ( also , he was twenty years ' dead ) , so they 'd be well advised to return her money . Another young woman , in her middle thirties , was reduced not to tears , but to being very red - faced and swollen . Another man of about the same age was referred to as a little boy , and was thunderously angry but felt he couldn 't even raise his voice , let alone say what he thought ( they really , really train their staff well ! ) . Eventually , they actually showed her the credit card imprint , and tore it into little pieces in front of her eyes before she was satisfied . She didn 't apologise , though , that would have been too much to expect . Instead , she stalked out of there in high dudgeon , muttering about incompetents and frauds under her breath - but not under her breath enough . I dawdled slightly . I didn 't dare say anything audible because I would never have heard the end of it , but I made eye contact with everyone in the room , and mouthed the words " I 'm sorry " behind her back . It was the best I could do . We caught a taxi to the train station , fortunately without incident so the driver was probably white , I can 't really remember . Checked in our luggage two an a half hours early . Went looking for coffee , which involved a walk of a couple of kilometres in the rain . We were only so early because she had insisted that we would be late . Then we had to walk back in the rain , get on the train , wait for it to leave . And all this time , she hadn 't stopped talking about the terrible service and unregistered car ( it now was properly unregistered , apparently ) , the dreadful hotel room , and the fly in the hotel room , how unhygienic it all was . I pretended to sleep - I was too wound - up to sleep . Five hours later , the train pulled up in Sydney . She had a short trip home - I had another hour and a half in an inter - urban train plus an hour 's bus - ride ahead of me , so no thank you , I didn 't want to hang around for coffee , I wanted to get on this train over here , heading my way . But it doesn 't leave for twenty minutes , we could - I 'll get on it right now if you don 't mind ! And I did . For months , every time she spoke to me , she talked about the bloody fly . And half a year later she rang me up for one reason and one reason only . " Do you remember the deposit for the rental car ? " I did . " Did they ever give it back to me ? " Don 't worry , they didn 't cheat you . " Because it hasn 't come up on any of my bank statements . I can 't remember them paying it back in cash , did they pay it back in cash ? Or did they give you the cash ? If they gave it to you , you should give it to me . " They never took cash . They took a second credit card imprint , which they were only going to use if we damaged the car . " Oh . Well , I 'm just going to have to keep watching my bank statements , to make sure they don 't use it in the future . " They destroyed it , they can 't use it . " You can never guarantee that - they [ the criminal classes ] are very clever . " * Personal introduction : Clinical hypnotherapist : Dip . Hyp ( App . ) , the Sydney College of Applied Hypnotherapy , 1987 . Herbalist : Dip . HM ( Dorothy Hall College ) 1986 . Reiki II . One - quarter of everything I earn through this blog is donated to the Guide Dog Association . From time to time in individual posts I might call for charitable donations to one cause or another ( recently , the Queensland floods ) . All such donations go to the stated appeal or charity . I withhold only the withdrawal charges from Paypal , which goes straight to Paypal . |
The deaf twin grins … ' What ? Both of us ? ' A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary . As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago , the wife asked the husband , " When you first saw my naked body in front of you , what was going through your mind ? " The husband replied , " All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out , and suck your tits dry . " Then , as the wife undressed , she asked , " What are you thinking now ? " He replied , " It looks as if I did a pretty good job . " As an airplane is about to crash , a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces , " If I 'm going to die , I want to die feeling like a woman . " She removes all her clothing and asks , " Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman ? " A man stands up , removes his shirt and says , " Here , iron this ! " . One morning a woman was walking out of her front door , when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden . " You 're a goblin , " she says , " I caught you and you owe me three wishes ! " . So the goblin replies " OK , you caught me fair and square , what 's your first wish ? " . The woman stops and thinks for a second , " I want a huge mansion to live in . " , goblins replies " OK , you 've got it . " . Woman again thinks it over , " My second wish is a Mercedes . " " OK , you 've got that too . " " My last wish is a million dollars ! " . The goblin then says " OK , you 've got it . But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me . " " OK then , if that 's what it takes . . . " Next morning the little man wakes the woman up . " Tell me , " says the man , " how old are you ? " " I 'm 27 " , she replies " Fuck me " , says the man , " 27 and you still believe in goblins " The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage . He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her . He says , " Put those on . " The bride replies , " I can 't wear your trousers . " He replies , " And don 't forget that ! I will always wear the pants in the She smiles and he takes her picture , and then he heads into the bathroom to shower . He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks , " Why do you wear a robe ? We are married now . " At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims , " oh , OH , OH MY , let me get a picture " . He beams and asks why and she answers , " So I can get it enlarged ! " John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office . After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy . John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group . To break the ice , and to get the therapy started , John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex . He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night . A modest number of hands were raised . He then asks , how many had sex once a week ? This time a larger number of hands were raised . John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month ? Again a few hands were raised . After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face . John noticed that the guy never raised his hand , so he asked him how often he had sex . The guy said , Once a year To John 's dismay , he responds , Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year The grinning guy responds , " Tonights the night ! " Three guys go to a ski lodge , and there aren 't enough rooms , so they have to share a bed . In the middle of the night , the guy on the right wakes up and says , " I had this wild , vivid dream of getting a hand job ! " The guy on the left wakes up , and unbelievably , he 's had the same dream , too . Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says , " That 's funny , I dreamed I was skiing ! " One day Mr . Smith , the president of a large corporation , called his vice - president , Dave , into his office and said , " We 're making some cutbacks , so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off . " Dave looked at Mr . Smith and said , " Barbara is my best worker , but Jack has a wife and three kids . I dThe next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive . Barbara was the first to come in , so Dave said , " Barbara , I 've got a problem . You see , I 've got to lay you or Jack off and I don 't know what to do ? " Barbara replied , " You 'd better jack off . I 've got a headache . " A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill . The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind . The blind man replied he would do it by smell . The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him . The manager asks , " What is it without touching it ? " The blind man replies , " Thats a good piece of fir . " " Correct , says the manager , now try this one . " " Thats a bad piece of willow , " says the blind man . " Correct , " answers the manager . With that , the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man . He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face . " I 'm confused says the blind man , Can you turn it around ? " The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face . The blind man says , " Oh , youre trying to fool me ! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is . Its the shit house door off a tuna boat ! " A farmer goes in half with a friend to buy a bull so he can increase his stock . A couple of weeks later the friend comes by to see how his investment is doing . The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won 't look at the cows . His friend suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull . The following week his friend returns to see if the vet helped . The farmer looks delighted : " The bull has taken care of all my cows , broke through the fence , and has even serviced all my neighbor 's cows ! " Wow , " says his friend , " what did the vet do to that bull ? " " Just gave him some pills ' " said the farmer . " What kind of pills ? " asked his friend . " I don 't know , but they sort of taste like peppermint . " There was this old woman who heard a song called " Two Lips and Seven Kisses . " She called up information after hearinThe gas station attendant who answered the phone said , " No , but I have two nuts and seven inches ! " To which the man replied , " No , its average ! " Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny . " She 's incredibly dumb . She does everything absolutely backwards . " said one doctor . " Just last week , I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours . She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours . He nearly died on us ! " The second doctor said , " That 's nothing . Earlier this week , I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours . She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour ! The guy nearly exploded ! " Suddenly , they hear this blood - curdling scream from down the hall . " Oh my God ! " said the first doctor , " I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr . Smith 's boil ! " A guy walks into a doctors office with a 5 iron wrapped around his neck and 2 black eyes . " What happened to you ? " asked the doctor . " Well it all started when my wife and I were golfing and by accident she hit the ball into a cow field . When we went to investigate , I saw the ball in a cow 's ass . I went and lifted the tail of the cow and that 's when I made my mistake . " The doctor looked puzzled and asked , " What mistake was that ? " " I said ' Hey this looks like yours hun ! ' " A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town . They were about to have sex when the girl stopped . " Well , I should have mentioned this before , but I 'm actually a taxi driver , and the fare back to town is $ 25 . . . " A man went into a store and began looking around . He saw a washer and dryer , but there was no price listed on them . He asked the sales person " How much are the washer and dryer ? " blah blah blah RIGHT NOW ! A police officer pulls a man over for speeding . As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something . " If I don 't get home before my wife does , I 'm a dead man . " A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars . He says , " I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich . " The Madam says , " For that kind of money , you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf . " The trucker says , " I 'm not horny , I 'm homesick . " A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms . The girl behind the counter says , " What size ? " " It 's an old Indian name . Means Nag , Nag , Nag . " Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company 's Christmas Party . Jack is not normally a drinker , but the drinks didn 't taste like alcohol at all . He didn 't even remember how he got home from the party . As bad as he was feeling , he wondered if he did something wrong . Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table . And , next to them , a single red rose ! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him , all clean and pressed . He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order , spotlessly clean . So is the rest of the house . He takes the aspirins , cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror . Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick : " Honey , breakfast is on the stove , I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight . I love you , darling ! Love , Jillian " He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough , there is hot breakfast , steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper . His son is also at the table , eating . Jack asks , " Son . . . What happened last night ? " Broken Coffee Table : $ 239 . 99 . Hot Breakfast : $ 4 . 20 . Two Aspirins : $ . 38 . Saying the right thing , at the right time . . . PRICELESS ! ! ! A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed . They couldn 't do it while he waited , so he said he didn 't live far and would just walk home . On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint . He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose . However , struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home . While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost . She asked , " Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ? " The farmer said , " Well , as a matter of fact , my farm is very close to that house . I would walk you there but I can 't carry this lot . " " Why thank you very much , " he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home . On the way he says " Let 's take my short cut and go down this alley . We 'll be there in no time . " The farmer said , " Holy smokes lady ! I 'm carrying a bucket , an , a gallon of paint , two chickens , and a goose . How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that ? " The old lady replied , " Set the goose down , cover him with the bucket , put the paint on top of the bucket , and I 'll hold the chickens . " A cowboy walked into a barber shop , sat on the barber 's chair and said , " I 'll have a shave and a shoe shine . " The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest , firmest , most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes . The cowboy said , " Young lady , you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room . " The cowboy said , " Tell him you 're working overtime and I 'll pay you the difference . " She said , " You tell him . He is the one shaving you . " A young girl gets married and a few days later her mother goes to visit . When she knocks on the door , she is shocked to see her daughter open it naked . " What are you doing ? " she asks . " Mom , it 's my LOVE dress ! ! Don 't you like it ? " I 'll come back in a few weeks when the honeymoon is over " replies the mom . When she goes back , she is shocked when once again her daughter is naked . " Now what are you doing ? " " Mom , it 's my LOVE dress . It keeps the marriage spicy ! " Later that night the mom decides to try it for herself . When her husband comes home , he gives the same reaction : " Honey , what are you doing ? " she give him the same answer her daughter gave her , " It 's my LOVE dress ! What do you think of it ? " Her husband thinks long and hard and says , " I think you should have ironed it ! " When her husband passed away , the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper , but added that he had died of gonorrhea . Once the daily newspapers had been delivered , a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly , " You know very well that he died of diarrhea , not gonorrhea . " Replied the widow , " Yes , I know that he died of diarrhea , but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was . " A guy starts a new job , and the boss says , " If you marry my daughter , I 'll make you a partner , give you an expense account , a Mercedes , and a million dollar annual salary . " She mumbles , " Get the bag . Get the bag . " A man enters a barbershop for a shave . While the barber is foaming him up , he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks . " I have just the thing , " says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer . " Just place this between your cheek and gum . " " No problem , " says the barber . " Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does . " A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London . He meets a wild girl , and she takes him upstairs . She takes off her pants and her panties . " I 'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith ! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood . " " Thank you very much for the call , sir . " The next day , the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob 's house . They search the shed where the firewood is kept . Using axes , they bust open every piece of wood , but find no marijuana . They swore at Billy Bob and left . . . The phone rings at Billy Bob 's house : The husband urged Charlie to stay over . There was no spare bed in the house ; there wasn 't even a sofa . So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife . Charlie did just that . He was amazed when the husband remained asleep . So he climbed over to the wife 's side of the bed and fucked her . When he finished , he climbed back to his own side . It wasn 't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again . Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep . This went on eight times during the night . Each time Charlie screwed the woman , he first pulled out one of the husband 's asshole hairs . " Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit . " A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV . She looks at her husband and winks at him , he gets the message and says , " Excuse us for a few minutes boys , we 're going up to our room for a little while . " " Before you look in there , " he says , " keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs . " A recently widowed Jewish lady , was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach , Florida . She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up , placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book . The man replied , " How did you know my name was Katz ? " This recovering alcoholic is down town to pick up his income tax return . He passes by a bar and turns to go inside . He stops and thinks to himself " If I go in here and get drunk , my wife will leave me " . He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave . Well he goes in and gets wasted . As he sits at the bar , he pukes down the front of his shirt . Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing " My wife is going to leave me . I 'm just a miserable old drunk and now I 'm going to die alone " . The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy " It 's not that bad . You can get out of this . " The drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this ? The guy says " Take a $ 5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket . When you get home , tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you . Tell her that the $ 5 was given to you to pay for the shirt . " The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says " That just might work . You are a saint . Thank you . " The drunk guys goes straight home . When he walks through the front door , his wife is waiting for him and she is irate . She takes one look at him and screams " I can 't believe it . You 're drunk . I warned you but you just don 't care . I 'm moving out . " The drunk says " Stop honey . Let me explain . True I did have a couple beers but I 'm not drunk . " She says " Look at you . . . you puked down the front of your shirt . " He says " I didn 't do this . A drunk guy next to me puked on me . He put a $ 5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt . You can see for yourself " She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money . She looks at it , then to him and says " This is a $ 10 bill " He looks at her and says " Oh I forgot . He shit my pants too " . A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool , with his wife standing next to him . The bartender was busy at the other end and didn 't see them when they walked in . When he got done serving the customers there , he walked down the bar and asks the neThe man replies , " Oh , one is for me , and the other for my wife . " The man replies , " No , but she 's a lot better ! " A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish . By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat , the waiter comes back and says , " Sir , I 'm afraid there has been a mistake . You see , that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish . The problem is , this is the last chicken in the house . I 'm afraid I 'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you ! " The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food . The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer . A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man 's table and says , " Listen and listen good . That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I 'll warn you , whatever you do to that chicken I 'll do the same to you . You pull out one of its legs , I 'll pull out one of yours . You break one of its wings , I 'll break one of your arms ! " The man calmly looks at the chicken , then sticks his middle finger in the bird 's rectum , pulls it out and licks it . He then gets up , drops his pants , bends over and says , " Go ahead ! " An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday . He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him . The old guy says " God , I hope so , you 've got the ugliest tits I 've ever seen . " A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced " A typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty pounds . " Congratulations shower all around , and many exclamations of ' wow ! ' are heard . Two weeks later he returns to the bar . The bartender says , ' Say , you 're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth , aren 't you ? How much does the baby weigh now ? ' The proud father answers , ' fifteen pounds . ' The bartender is puzzled . ' Why ? What happened ? He already weighed twenty pounds at birth . ' The Texas father takes a slow sip from his beer , wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve , leans over to the bartender and proudly announces , ' Had him circumcised . ' One day a single mother was in the grocery store with her 4 kids . They were acting up . Bad little kids . They were running around grabbing items off the shelves crying and screaming all over the place . The mother grabbed all and said " I should of swallowed all of you ! " The difference between having Guts and having Balls . . . Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys , smelling of perfume and beer , lipstick on your collar , slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say , " You 're next . " A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation . After a week he joined them in the hotel . As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her " the look " . Whispering under her breath , the wife says " No darling , we can 't do it here , our kid is watching ! " Husband replies , " You 're right , lets go to the beach . " After a while they make their way to the beach , they start to make love on an empty beach . All of a sudden , a policeman walks up to them . " Put your cloths on immediately , shame on you , you can 't do that in public ! " Embarrassed , the husband admits " You are right , but I had a moment of weakness . We hadn 't seen each other for an entire week . Now , I 'm a policeman too , and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me . " The cop thought for a second and said " Don 't worry . . . you are a colleague and it is your first time . But this is the third time I caught this bitch making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay . " Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes . The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans . " If you 're screwing me with that , " she fumed , " I am being robbed ! " A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural . He asks : " Who here has seen a ghost ? " Everyone puts up their hands . He then asks : " Who here has spoken with a ghost ? " Half the audience puts up their hands . " And who here has touched a ghost ? " Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands . He asks : " And who here has made love with a ghost ? " One little man in the back row puts up his hand . . . The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says : " Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost ? " The man replies , " Oh No ! I 'm sorry . I couldn 't hear you correctly . I thought you said ' goat ' . " A man went to pick up his date but he was having some trouble with his flatulence system , in other words he couldn 't stop farting so when he had to wait for the young woman to get ready for the date he sat on the lounge and let out just a little fart when the dog hopped onto the couch with him . He figured that the parents would think it was the dog . Every time he farted the young girl 's parents told the dog to get off the couch and so the man kept going , finally he let rip and the parents finally told the dog to get off the couch before the man shit on him ! A man goes to a shrink and says , " Doctor , my wife is unfaithful to me . Every evening , she goes to Larry 's bar and picks up men . In fact , She sleeps with anybody who asks her ! I 'm going crazy . What do you think I should do ? " " Relax , " says the Doctor , " take a deep breath and calm down . Now , tell me , exactly where is Larry 's bar ? " The couple had been married for twenty years . It was a happy , wonderful marriage , except that the wife was very unfaithful . The husband finally got so tired of her unfaithfulness that he made her promise to never again be untrue to him . One day he came home and found her in bed with a midget . He cried out , " My wife , my love , after you made all those The first nun says , " I want to be Sophia Loren ; " and * poof * she 's gone . The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St . Peter . He reads the paper and starts laughing . He hands it back to her and says " No sister , the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline ' that was laid by 1 , 400 men in 6 months . " There were these three farmers that wanted to win the state fair contest for having the largest hog . They decide that they should stick a cork in the pigs ass and feed him for a month before the fair . The only problem was that none of them wanted to be the one to stick the cork in . So they bought a monkey and trained him to stick corks in bottles . After a week or two of this , they stick the monkey in the pen with the pig and a cork , and after a minute , the monkey did what he was supposed to do . The farmers fed the pig for a month and sure enough , they won first prize . Once they got home , they realized they still had to take the cork out . So they trained this same monkey to take corks out of bottles . They stuck the monkey in the pen with the pig , and the farmers woke up three days later in the hospital with a reporter sitting next to them . The reporter asked the first farmer , " What is the last thing you remember ? " " Shit flying everywhere , " the farmer replied . The reporter asked the second farmer the same question and got the same response . When she got to the third farmer and asked him what he could remember , he started crying . The reporter asked , " What 's the matter ? " The farmer replied , " The last thing I remember is the look on the poor monkey 's face as he tried to stick the cork back in . " A fellow went off on his honeymoon , and after returning meets up with a friend for a beer and conversation . The friend , being single and a pervert to boot , begins to inquire as to the festivities of the honeymoon . " So , Bob , big married man , did ya get any while you were out there ? " the friend asks . Bob just shakes his head . " Ah , you know me . I like to fish . So I just fished . " His friend gasps . " You mean you didn 't have no sex ? C ' mon , Bob , tell me at least got a blowjob ! " Bob again shakesOne mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend , ï ¿½ Do you think he means her first , second or third husband ? ï ¿½ The friend replied , ï ¿½ I think he means her legs . ï ¿½ One Night After Watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire . . . A man and his wife went to bed and the man was getting very frisky . He asked his wife if she was in the mood . His wife answered , " Not tonight dear , I have a headache . " The man replied , " Is that your final answer ? " She said " Yes . " " OK , then I 'd like to phone a friend . " he replied . There was this geriatric woman who thought she needed some toughening to cope with today 's world , and decided to join a gang . She rocked up to the Hell 's Angels bikers club and tapped on the door . " Excuse me , sirs , I 'd like to join your club if you please " she croaked in her feeble voice . A grunt came from inside , " Ha ! You got no chance , woman . We only take the toughest into our club . You can only join if you drink ! " . " Oh boy , do I drink ! I slam a few down every night after playing pool with the boys " she croaked back . " Oh , umm , well . . . you can only join if you smoke " he lied , trying to brush her off . " Does marijuana count ? Coz I don 't mind a few joints after playing pool with the boys " . " Umm , I suppose it does count . . . " the biker said , and , thinking quick on his feet said " Look , we 're a gang only for the roughest , toughest men in town . Now , have you ever been picked up by the fuzz ? " " No , " she replied , " but I 've been swung around by the tits a few times " . A friend asked me the other day why I never got married . I replied " Well , I guess I just never met the right woman . . . I guess I 've been looking for the perfect girl . " " Yes , there was one girl . . . once . I guess she was the one perfect girl - - the only perfect girl I really ever met . She was just the right everything . . . I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me . " " Well , why didn 't you marry her ? " asked my friend . I shrugged my shoulders and replied , " She was looking for the perfect man . " This Web site has been created with a FREE Domain Name and UNLIMITED Web Space . |
Short Stories All you do is put letters together to put words together to put sentences together . It should be so easy . I wish it was for me . Please browse my other pages in the meantime . A Nightly Encounter / May 27 , 2017 As the sun began its vanishing act , the moon became a sliver with its true radiance obscured behind a cloud . It was on this night I managed to catch a glimpse of his being before he retreated into the darkness . His posture was menacing as the black opal dangling from a chain around his neck . I waited patiently for him to speak . There was no choice . My life depended on it . " Not everyone flies , and not everyone floats . I do not know what will happen until the very end . You might do neither or you might do both . That will ultimately be up to you . " I felt a shock in my head when he said this . It started at my left temple and zigzagged its way to the right . I had heard he could be persuasive in a way that left you wanting more . I wondered how long I could resist his temptations . I could hardly see anything in front of me , and when my ears registered the ambient noises , I wasn 't certain what was making the sound . He had put me in a dizzy haze . I was sure of it , but my ears perked up when he finally spoke . " Do not take my silence as a form of approval . " He uttered from deep within , like a dog giving a warning growl . " Despite what you believe to know about me , there is nothing accurate about any of it . " I constructed an image of his likeness as he became quiet again . He was an equal opportunist with his weight distribution . He did not favor the left over the right leg . His elongated fingers , manicured and durable , were often covered by stylish black leather gloves . There were a few times he allowed nature to touch them , but this was only when he was alone . He was born into an aristocratic family , and given a fitting name of Arthur , Theodore , or Samuel , or maybe he had parents a little more daring and bestowed the name of Magnus to him . He did not like people referring to him by his name . I was in process of determining his facial features when he spoke , his voice echoing . " I could be by your side before you know I 'm even there . Would you be fine begging for your life if it came to it ? I imagine you want the night to unfold differently . Where you don 't have to crawl on your hands and knees to freedom . Where the little decency stored in your bones is not used against you . " His words rattled me , sending a chill from the base of my neck to the place where my trousers sat on my waist . His authority loomed over me like an invisible shadow . He had cast his net , and caught his prize . I felt helpless much like the first time I had misjudged . " Why should I give you any courtesy when you don 't play by the rules with the life you currently have ? " A twig broke in the distance . " It makes me wonder if the only course of action is to extinguish you now . It appears destroying the misery you feel inside would be a blessing for you . " " I feel no misery . " " Be that as it may , I don 't see any reason to allow you to live . " He seemed closer now . " Unless , of course , you want to try your hand at persuasion . " " Yes , sorry . I 'll begin again . " I swallowed , but the large cotton ball in my throat remained . " I … I … might not have the same riches as some of my friends , but I have never harbored ill will toward any of them . Sure , there were times I might 've wished to have what they had , but everybody does this . My children are fed a good breakfast in the morning , and they don 't go to bed hungry at night . My wife is most pleased . I would do anything for them . " " What would you do if I told you little Nicholas Jr . and his dear sister do not have much longer to live ? That the plague will bring them pain they wished never came knocking ? Would you believe me ? Or , would you carry on with your life , not heeding my warning ? " " But life is not fair . You know this . And , I would not give you the benefit of seeing it on a declaration because I know things . " His fingers wrapped around my neck in a fierce grip , pushing me against a tree effortlessly , and yet he allowed me to breathe . I 'm certain he knew the correct amount of pressure to use on my chest in order not to kill me . I felt the bark digging into my back at all the right places . His face was mostly obscured by his hat and how he positioned his head . I saw his mouth and nothing more . His lips seemed to be the color of maroon . " You cannot bring back the dead . " He methodically brought his other hand to my face , and covered my eyes . " Horribly , you sent an innocent man to his death . He will breathe no more like I have decided you will breathe no more . " I remained in his grasp , for what seemed forever , when he released me . My body crumpled to the ground . I had no feeling in my legs . It was as if he drained all my energy . My arms were useless . I couldn 't lift them into the air . I could only muster a shallow inhale and then exhale . " If you let me explain , " barely whispering , " you will know I tell the truth . " " I saw what you did to him . " His voice became guttural to the point I thought a part of his physiology might have changed . " You are not the one dictating the rules . You are not the one who gives orders . And your insignificant brain seems not to understand that soon you will find yourself in a grand finale . " Just tell me what you want . " He flung me against the same tree , pine needles stabbing my flesh when I landed face first . I scrambled onto my knees , and removed the needles sticking out of my palms . " If I 've lost all chances of living , just kill me already ! " My anger increased substantially . " Don 't think I don 't know you 've been following me since that night . I know you have weaknesses too even though you claim to have none . " I had clearly misspoken . It was one thing to accept your impending death . It is something completely different to invite death , knowing there was the chance of further brutality . I waited for him to extinguish my life . I waited and waited . He never showed himself to me again that night . I am not certain why . Hundreds of reasons entered my mind of why he departed , but not one correlated to the actual truth . I needed to get home to my family , but my body was so weak from my ordeal . I was certain my arm was broken . My eyes closed , and I fell asleep , my hand intercepting the pine needles from touching my face . I dreamed of him watching me from far away . The next morning I was greeted by insistent chirping of birds . The sunlight filtered through the tree tops . It warmed my face as I looked upward . I felt for my glasses . They weren 't there . I could hardly see as I stumbled away . I hadn 't comprehended my predicament until I returned to civilization . There it was in my grasp . I locked my eyes on the blurry black opal with the chain limply hanging from it . " Curses . Revenge would be coming another day . " He would return for this . It was only a matter of time . " Damn curses . " The screams coming from our house were heard by the next door neighbors on both sides of my parents ' house that day . Mrs . Lambert lived to the right of us . She pushed on her screen door , loosening the hinges even more , with her bony hand to investigate . She was married twice . I don 't know what happened to her first husband , but she looked like a skeleton . Whenever my mom invited her over for dinner , she always declined with a shake of her head . It isn 't polite to stare , but I couldn 't turn away from her beady eyes in the middle of her shrunken head . It was like she was scared of being in a normal house with normal people . I was glad she had never set foot inside my parents ' house , but I kept this to myself . Our windows were open all the time except during the rainy days . I hoped my mom didn 't tell Mrs . Lambert about my birthday party . I doubted she would come , but this was the last person I wanted to see because she would ruin it . I didn 't like how she talked either . Her voice was high - pitched and nasally . Her conversations usually went the same way with my mom . Mrs . Lambert stammered out her words . " Well , I didn 't come over here to argue . I just wanted to wish you a good day . " And with that , she left without another word . My mom later confessed she probably shouldn 't have made those comments about our neighbors . She didn 't exactly feel bad enough to apologize to either one of them , but expressed her regret . She had been friends with her since grade school . I 'm not sure about her husband . Our neighbors to the right were more personable . I didn 't mind calling them by their first names . Pamela and Marcus were the only adults invited to my birthday party . I made sure of it . The day prior to my birthday I arranged the top of my desk with an assortment of balloons , paper streamers of my favorite colors , birthday paper plates and napkins , and random noise makers . I wanted everything related to my birthday as close to me as possible minus my presents . My parents had hidden them in their bedroom . It was off - limits to my sisters , and I didn 't feel like getting into trouble even though I was dying to know if anything on my wish list was in their bedroom . My dad had already eaten breakfast by the time I came into the kitchen . He was sipping his coffee as I waited patiently for my eggs and pancakes . They smelled good and tasted better . His glances at me became longer and longer . I could tell he had some fatherly advice to give . " Jackie , don 't let anyone say you can 't do something . If you want to do it , then do it . Once you have it in your head you can 't , you might as well give up the ghost . " " Things like that don 't leave , and set you up for failure again and again . " His advice would be over when he would knock his knuckles on the table . He hadn 't done that yet . I hoped it would be soon . " I want you to see things the way you see them . I want you to see things with your own eyes . I want you to be your own person , Jackie , but carefully . " I wondered how many times my sisters had heard this . They had no problem tuning him out during dinner time even when he pointed his index finger at them . That finger always lingered when he came to me . It made me feel important and anxious at the same time . He would end his speech with our responsibilities to one another . I knew this wasn 't true . I was almost eleven . My sister Margery was seventeen and Alice was fifteen . I knew how to count . My dad wasn 't forty - seven . He nodded a few times at his own words , and finally knocked on the table with his knuckles . This was my cue to put my plate in the sink and grab a plastic bag from the cabinet . My plan was to help my parents after breakfast , but now I wanted to be by myself . My excitement of turning a year older bubbled inside me as it did earlier . After I closed my bedroom door , I removed my diary under my mattress , and scribbled the date with my special pen . It had my name on the side of it , and was a gift from my best friend , Sherry , from last year 's birthday . Dear Diary , Tomorrow is my birthday . I can hardly wait . turn eleven . I can 't believe this . I 'm four years away from being a woman . My mom says you become a woman when you 're able to have children . I think you become a woman when you can wear a bra . I 'm still flat chested unlike my sisters . I wish I could be like them . Don 't tell anyone . They would rub it in my face . I try not to show my disappointment in being treated as a girl by my parents because I don 't feel like a girl anymore . I 'm no longer in the single digits . At least my mom doesn 't tell the story of how I was a blessing even though I know I was an accident . My sisters will always be better than me . It isn 't fair . I wish I had been born first . Then they could be jealous of me . My parents probably got me stupid gifts . If my mom actually knew me , she 'd know I really wanted a white bra with lace around the edges . I wish I could wear a dress like Margery . And why don 't boys call me ? Other girls in my grade have boyfriends already . It isn 't fair . Sherry told me she 's a woman now . Her mom let 's her wear a bra . You want to know what my mom did when I asked her to buy me a bra ? She touched my chest . How embarrassing ! IT ' S SO NOT FAIR ! ! ! I stormed out of the room . We haven 't talked about it since . This was two weeks ago . I 'm going to be the only one not wearing a bra to my party . How lame ! I just want everything to go perfect tomorrow . I haven 't felt this nervous since I don 't know when . I almost feel like vomiting . I better go downstairs before my parents look for me . They have no idea I have this . I promise to write soon . I thought I had brought the birthday decorations back to my room . I guess I hadn 't because when I went to the living room my dad had already ripped open the red balloons . His cheeks were getting their workout . I counted his progress . There were fifteen . I tore into the blue ones , and handed him one . I watched him take a deep breath , then blow . His process was a sight to see . My mom was in the kitchen making my vanilla cake . I requested a lemon filling and frosting . It smelled so good . I knew she would let me have a taste of the frosting if I went in there , but I wanted to help my dad instead . She usually saved some for me anyway . My dad and I were making good time when one of the balloons broke in his grip , making a loud pop . We both jumped a little bit . He then exaggerated his movements , and it sent us into a fit of giggles . After all the balloons were gone , and our cheeks couldn 't take anymore , they were ready to be hung . I handed them one by one to him in the archway . We next coiled streamers to be hung in the archway and outside the front door . The house was looking more and more like a party celebration . I was thinking how I would remember this day for the rest of my life when someone knocked on our door . My parents didn 't hear it the first time , but I sure did . I guess girls have better hearing than their parents . " Someone 's at the door , dad . " " Are you sure ? " Before I could answer , the knock became more insistent . This time because he put down the streamers on the floor . " I can get the door , dad . " My dad could be overly protective . He turned halfway to me . " This better not be one of your sisters . " I smiled . I wished it was . She would be in so much trouble . There was a time for pranks . This wasn 't one of them . I followed slowly behind him to see who was at the door . The third loud knock brought my mom out of the kitchen . She nudged me aside and went to my dad . He opened the door enough for me to see a police man . He said politely , " Mr . and Mrs . Simms . " " Yes . " They said in unison . " May I speak with you in private ? " The police man must 've seen me because he pointed in my direction . My dad ushered my mom outside and closed the door behind them . I wondered what they were talking about , and it didn 't take long to hear my mom 's voice . " Oh , God ! Not Margery ! " I scrambled to the door and pressed my ear to it . " I think you should sit down with your husband , ma ' am . " " I want to see her . " " Let 's give it some time , ma ' am . " " Where is she ? " " The scene is still being processed . " " My poor baby . Was she decent ? " " Yes , she was found clothed . " There was silence , and I moved just in time when the door swung open . It hit the wall with a thud . I stood there , unable to move , inches from my parents and the policeman . I had not obeyed my dad . He didn 't say anything . I watched him help my mom inside . She looked out of it , not sure of where she was . " Not now , Jackie . Go to your room . " When I didn 't move , he raised his voice . " Right now , Jackie ! " I stood my ground , but it was no use . The police man knew what to do in these situations . He took my hand and led me away from my parents . I asked questions along the way , but he gave no answers I wanted to hear . We entered the kitchen instead , and around the same time my mom let out her first scream . I had known friendly policemen , but he was not so friendly . The way he looked at me scared me too . I didn 't want to see him anymore , and turned my back to him . This is when I noticed my mom had taken my birthday cake out of the oven . It rested on the stove burner . I wanted a bite , but I didn 't have any for fear he might tell my parents what I had done . He finally left the kitchen when he heard commotion , but not before ordering me to stay in the kitchen . I finally learned what happened in between all the sobbing and talking of Mrs . Lambert with my parents . I was for once happy she had come into our house . My sister liked to take long walks . My parents saw our town as home sweet home . Young children played outside without any danger . Boys rode their bikes up and down the roads all hours of the day without fear . Girls ran back and forth among their houses without a care in the world . This changed when Margery was discovered by an elderly man walking his dog . He had noticed her legs sticking out of the bushes . I couldn 't believe someone would be so cruel to my sister . She was annoying at times , but she didn 't deserve to be beaten . She had been the first murder in over five decades . It became almost unbearable for my sister Alice after her death . My parents never let her out of their sight , and dad insisted on having a strong teenage boy with her every time she left the house . I wish he had said that to me . If I wanted to go anywhere , it would be him with me . He didn 't think the boys in my grade could protect me . He didn 't know the strength of Danny . I cursed at Margery for ruining my birthday as I laid in bed that night . It wasn 't right of me to feel this way , but I did because mom never frosted my cake , and dad blew up the balloons for nothing . The streamers were useless . The plates and napkins wouldn 't be unwrapped . My friends would never see me blow out eleven candles . I never would eat any of the food I requested . As my eyes finally closed , I stayed sleeping until late into the next morning . I spotted them before I sat up . My parents had not forgotten . There were more presents than I imagined . The biggest one was wrapped in shiny red paper . I hopped off the bed and went to my knees . I tore off the wrapping paper . This present was on my list . I had finally gotten a boom box . I was so happy . I wanted this feeling to last . I grabbed another one . It was from Margery . She must 've given it to my parents before she went for her walk . She liked to leave things until the very end . Tears fell down my face as I tore off the wrapping . I opened the box . It was a necklace with my initials on it . It was the similar to the one she wore . She had never taken it off . She wore it everywhere . I closed my eyes and promised to Margery I would do the same . In the sea of infinite waves , I found myself with one oar that day . The wind had picked up , and my hand clumsily hit the side of the boat . I will add it was built by my dear friend . He has since passed away , body mixed in with the dirt by now , and creepy crawly insects having a corpse to explore . I shouldn 't view Tobias as a corpse , but I 'm not one to exchange that word for another . He became a corpse when his soul left him , and just because you might find that word repulsive is not a problem I want to inherit . People tend to have little pity for the situations I placed myself in , and maybe I deserve some of it , but it doesn 't reverse my desire to exist . My true love was the only one to understand me . She had a radiance I 've never seen in a woman before or since our time . I miss her more days than not , but let 's get back to my dilemma . It floated past my boat with great speed into the wild waves . I almost jumped to retrieve it , but then I 'd be dealing with another issue , and that was hypothermia . My children would never forgive me either if I died this way . They never feared me getting lost when they were children , but we are thirty years older now . If I arrive one minute past my projected time , my son and daughter panic . My desire of living out my days in peaceful self - reflection never really came to fruition as I expected , but on this day they gave it to me wholeheartedly . It had to do with my birthday and the fact I was well past my drinking days . What was tantamount to suicide , I was distraught over losing the oar . My grandfather had never used them as they rested on pegs above his fireplace . I understood the importance of keeping treasured objects within the family tree , and now it was forever gone . I sat down on the hardened seat when my eye caught sight of the oar . I leapt up and burned the location into my mind . I grabbed the remaining oar and shoved it into the water . I paddled with long strokes , switching sides , until I was close enough to grab its nearly identical twin still in my grasp . The anticipation of holding both my oars unsteadied my balance . My remaining oar flung into the sea . This is the way I 'd like to remember it , but in actuality , I lost my balance for no other reason of being old . No one was around to hear my cursing at God , the sea , the boat , Tobias who had died , my wife who had died unexpectedly , and the oars themselves . I scrambled to the boat edge and searched for the oar . It was about ten feet away , bobbing with the waves , and teasing me every time it moved a little closer . My hope was it would float its way back to me as if it was scared of being away for so long . I imagined the water droplets hiding in the tiny cracks of both oars when I lifted them to safety . It would be good to have them back in my possession . When the oars didn 't come back on their own , I recognized my situation with more urgency . My flesh tried to resist the effects of the icy water when I jumped feet first . I had managed to remember to take off my shoes , socks , and jacket as all three would keep me warm once I got out of the water . The pesky oars that never should 've left my grip were not visible . I screamed loudly , making the nearby birds take flight . My attention went back to the sea and swam in the general direction of where I had last seen the oars . They were on the same side of the boat when I lost them . I scanned the surface for any hint of my oars , and unfortunately my fingers turned a lovely purple before I found one of them . I reached it in record time for a man in his late sixties . After craning my neck in all directions , I located the other one . I swam to it just as fast in hopes it would warm my body . Hypothermia had claimed most of it , and I was forced to embrace it with open arms . I focused my grip around the oars not to lose them on my swim back . It took every determination to not close my eyes and sink into the sea in a death spiral . One thing kept me going and that was the warmth of my socks and jacket waiting for me on the boat . It could not have drifted far away , but when I looked up it appeared much farther even though it wasn 't the case . I thought about all the things I hated doing , but now I would take that over my current predicament . I kicked my feet as hard as possible , hunger clawing at my stomach . The nature of my situation had turned to critical when I arrived at my boat . I imagined the warmth my socks and jacket would provide as I picked them up . If only a towel would drop from the sky so I could dry myself , but my weary body soon didn 't care about that . I fell into a heap and sat there , breathing in and out heavily before starting the task of jamming my feet into the socks . My unfocused eyes remained that way while I tore off my water - soaked clothes . They had the scent of seaweed and dead fish . What an exquisite combination was the last thing I remembered as I slipped into unconsciousness . When I came back to reality , I didn 't notice the goose egg on my head . The sea went from puzzled to indignant , back to puzzled , and remained at a rumble . I was caught during the roar , but now it was my turn to be angry . I kicked at my heavy soaked pants and threw my shirt into the water . It would have been a sight to witness a sixty - seven year old in his underwear flailing about , but good riddance to it all . I wore my half dry socks with pride and my jacket didn 't fully hide my behind . I 've since bought a longer jacket to wear in case this happens again although it hasn 't . My shoes were the last to go on and once I picked up my oars , I made sure to smack the water with them a few times before rowing back home . Similar to the sea , I went from frustration to rage . It was going to take a while to get home , and I used this time to release this steam with each stroke . The situation had spun out of control quickly , but now it was calmer . The thing chasing me this morning was no longer with me . The grief of what had happened could fit onto the diameter of a penny . While I did not know it at the time , losing my oars was a blessing in disguise . Some say God works in mysterious ways , and but I haven 't met any of them . I suppose there are shards of truth to everything . My daughter believes I 'm trying to feel better about myself when I go out on my boat . She thinks I 'm instinctively sailing toward something better , but it 's all in my head . I 'm not sure about this . My son thinks I 'm trying to recapture my youth . I 'm not sure about this either , but when I arrived back home and soaked in hot water up to my chin , I had time to think about how lucky I was to be breathing oxygen . The sea can be a small place when there are people fluttering around you , trying to stay afloat such as in a shipwreck ; but when you are alone , no one sees you struggling . The day the sea challenged my longing for it , my body was not in the best of shape . I had wanted to give up , but I prevailed to feel stability under my feet again . When my feet touched dry land , I bent down and grabbed a handful of sand . Damn the sea who tried to take me and damn the God who put me on this wobbly ride in the first place , but shortly after saying this I also thanked both for returning my oars to me when they could have been swallowed for dinner by the ever moody sea . We had spent many good years on this farm . The animals were taken care of , by far the best , compared to what it could have been . There was enough food for all of my family and abundance was enjoyed by every relative whether cousins , aunts , uncles , grandparents , and step children . Even the piglets were happy at that time as they were regarded as family . They sat with us at the kid 's table for holidays , but as we grew older and they grew larger , we realized one of them became our family dinner for Christmas . That was the only year my younger sister cried during this holiday . We would watch my father grab a pig by its legs , wrap the rope around its ankles , and string it up in the air by both feet . He would produce his sharp knife at the last second from behind his apron and slit the pig 's throat with such precision and depth . We were in awe of his ability to kill pigs at such a quick rate . He could corral any medium - sized animal , string it up , and cut its throat . The animal would bleed out , which we would collect for my mother . She loved making those sausages during the summer time . They were so tasty and every time I eat one now , it reminds me how special my mother was in the kitchen . I have never tasted better sausage since her passing . My brothers were involved in the skinning and butchering process . They were happiest when my father was showing them how to butcher the pig where the least amount of meat was wasted . Nothing was ever wasted in practice , thanks to my parents , as they used everything from all animals . The bones left over were boiled down for various soups or given to our wild , crazy dogs . Some of them scared us , but they protected the livestock when it counted the most , against the coyotes and wolves . My oldest brother shot a wolf in the head when it came too close to the livestock , but regretted it soon after . The mother wolf was only trying to get food for her pups . He heard them crying for their mother on a walk the next day to clear his head . They all survived thanks to him . He became their provider by throwing them raw beef after he ate supper and did his chores . My father found out and wasn 't too happy about it , but there was nothing he could do about it . My brother was as stubborn as my father was , and this included his decision to leave the family business , and apply to college . His interest was in European history , given he was European himself , and became a well - respected professor among his colleagues and students . The year we lost much of our fields to a fire , spreading quickly during the summer I was fifteen , was the worst for us . Some of our beloved livestock was killed . It sent my parents into a survival mode , and had a hard time recovering from this disaster . My father never walked the same way , he never whistled anymore , and in his free time all he did was stare into empty space . He did not view life as something to be enjoyed as he once had . He went through the motions for a few years and doubt he realized that he killed more animals in those two years than he had in the previous five years before that . The shack behind our house was filled with more bones than any of us knew what to do with , but we dared not throw any of them away . My father had a knack for knowing when something was missing . Those two long , hard years was when we changed the name of our farm from Pritchard Farm to Turnaround Farm . We all survived because we asked our extended family to help us during the early morning hours and when they had to leave to tend to their own families and jobs midday , we asked for other members to carry our progress into the night . We all worked hard hour after hour , day after day , month after month , and when one year became the end of two years , we had made our money back . We were in a better position than when we started in some respects . My parents had more dollar bills in their pockets , and our family members wanted nothing in return when offered ; but our bodies suffered in the process . Everyone hunched over a little more including myself . It was many years later when I voiced to my father to sell his farm . I was the closest living kid to my parents along with my younger brother who was about an hour away . He was proud of his green pick - up truck . The rest of my siblings were much more adventurous and moved to other parts I won 't visit . He didn 't listen to me and said I was being a knot headed pig , which is what he said when any of his friends or family said something he disagreed with . It was after his stroke that he stopped being rational . When he could not talk , those were some of the most relaxing times for me as an adult . I had a hard time understanding him , and this frustrated both of us . He kicked me than once because of his inability to speak well . When he had his second stroke and could not talk at all , the frustration between us evaporated . My father liked to compare us kids . My older brother was book smart . I was not . My older sister had the looks . I did not . My younger brother had both smarts and looks . I did not . My younger sister had the face of Shirley Temple and was bound to be a child star . She never became a child star , but she was in a many films as an extra with speaking parts and then made a name for herself in theater and independent films . They had things I would never possess . I never wanted to be in front of a camera or prance around on stage , which is what I imagined my little sister doing when she rehearsed . My father told me I had things none of my other siblings possessed . He said I was the closest to him , but just happened to be female . He said it was neither here nor there . He didn 't blame me for my inability to be as tough as my brothers . He said I could do anything I wanted in life , and said he was the most proud of me because out all his kids , I was the one who never left his side . This was where the fork in the road between him and my siblings became wider . I took the left and all my other siblings went right . I felt a duty to stay by his side until the end . My father told me on his deathbed a story when I was five . My mother had planted flowers with yellow petals and a black center . I took one look at them and hated the color . I wanted them to be purple . I made a sign that read , Purple Flowers , but they weren 't exactly purple after I was done . My collection of magic markers went from ten to nine . It didn 't take long to notice this was going to take forever . I replaced my original idea with a new one . I hid this puke yellow color as best I could on the petals with purple polka dots . He said I had imagination that was hard to harness . When my mother came home , she was horrified . She took out the paddle my father only used on rare occasions and more so on the boys than the girls . She hit my behind several times , and each time I heard the whack , I gritted my teeth as my mother cursed at me . My father told me to apologize to her for what I did . I readily said , " I 'm sorry " over and over , but deep down I hadn 't wanted to apologize . I felt she was mean to me , and I don 't remember crying although my father said I did . He stated it took quite some time for me to calm down . What I do remember was him picking me up and holding me as he walked among the cornstalks . He pointed toward the direction of his recently acquired land and spoke about his vision for his family 's future . Even though I was born right in the middle of it all in so many ways , he made me feel as if I was an only child . This was what I wrapped my beating heart around as my father grabbed my hand and squeezed . He told me everything was okay back then and everything would be okay now . I told him how much his recognition of me carried me throughout the years . He never let my hand go until he died later that night . I had wanted other family with us , but he said I was the only one good enough to be with him during this time . The actual reason was he did not want others to see him as frail . He told me I could handle it . After placing his bony arm beside him , I left his bedroom where he had slept over fifty years . I sat down at the table where all us kids sat and thought about the memories of this farm . We lived here , through the good and bad , and best of all we continued in our own ways . We did not agree upon many things as we grew older , but my siblings would eventually meet with me to discuss the best way to divvy up our parents ' land and house . I took this time and sat alone collecting my thoughts before calling my younger brother first . I intended to honor my father 's wish and did . I buried his secured box in a thick plastic bag where no one would find it except me . We could see what was inside , but not a day sooner , and could not tell my siblings about it until five years had passed . It was in short time I heard my younger brother 's truck barrel down the gravel driveway and come to a halt much too close to the house . This always bothered our father in his later years . Even though Conrad had lived close to us , I hadn 't seen him in a few years . He looked the same , but wore a different cowboy hat . Being the bigger sister , I held the door open for him and gave him a big hug . He picked me up much like my father did when he was still able to lift me up . It was so good to see him . I took his hand and walked toward our father 's bedroom . He knew what had happened and stood taller . My chest tightened and wondered was I doing our father justice by keeping his box a secret . I stopped at the door and waited for Conrad to enter . I waited until he had said his goodbye , much like I would do with my other siblings when they arrived . I never told any of my siblings about the box and never thought otherwise when we buried our father . When the five - year mark had passed by , it was apparent to me the box should stay hidden . We had spent many good years on this farm and wanted to keep it this way until our end . This was not one of those dreams where the person wakes up in the middle of the night wiping the sweat from one 's forehead . This was not one of those dreams where the person wakes up just in time before the knife plunges into one 's chest . This was not one of those dreams where the car moves just in time before a train smashes into it , or the wife senses something wrong and dodges her husband 's attempt to shove her from the cliff . This was one of those dreams where it matters more on what day it is and how the events of the day factored into the sleep patterns of the person . A woman named Delilah had been waking up every hour on the hour for a few minutes at a time the past few weeks . She was not certain what had triggered her eyes to flutter and stay open . She only heard the normal ambient noise one hears at night once fully awake . She managed to close her eyes before the thoughts of days past flooded her conscience , and before long she was asleep and moving back into her dream . Her dreams , this week , allowed her a bit of solace throughout the night . She was able to rest without her sleep being disrupted for a few days . It came to a halt on a Wednesday . The dream was nothing out of the ordinary . There was no reason to have alarm , but some women fear the cliché . A man in a black trench coat , sporting a felt hat with a tan ribbon wrapped around it , and wearing sunglasses even during nightfall may look threatening at first glance , but that stranger often becomes a friend after the initial greeting and introductory handshake . Different styled men go about their lives without wanting to harm women , and nothing evil is in their facial expressions . There was nothing to be feared among these men in Delilah 's mindset . Many men had followed her in the past , in her days as a prostitute . It seems most men wanted a free handout if they could get it . On the other hand , the man who averted his eyes when Delilah spotted him across the street sent tingles to the base of her neck , down her arms , where it entered into each finger and expelled at the tips . He held one commonality with other dangerous men of her past , and that was the urge to fulfill his desire . The butterfly excitement they felt did not differ from this man . His taut belly had the capacity to hold as many fluttering wings as possible . She maneuvered through the crowd , and at certain points she had no choice but to elbow those that did not move after her initial insistence . She feared she knew this man , and soon felt his presence close by . A second of time turned into two seconds and two more turned into four as the crowd seemed to hold her back . It took him a short span to be in arm 's length away from her long ponytail . His hand moved effortlessly and grabbed her wrist , instead . He forced her body close to his . She tried , unsuccessfully , to dig her fingernails deep into his flesh . She thought . He must 've done this before . He 's quick about what he 's doing . She looked down and glimpsed the long scars on his hands . He used her arm for leverage and forced her through the crowd . His other hand pressed menacingly against her back . When she opened her mouth , her sound drowned in the laughter and screams of nearby children . Each passing moment her opportunities to escape dwindled . Before the throng of people seemed to hold her back , but now they moved out of the way for him . Crisscrossed arms spread apart to let him pass . Life hardly ever worked in her favor , much as it had been as a little girl , when she was told her body was for sacrifice . Her mother neglected this truth to her , and had to learn about it firsthand . When she was thrown her on top of the small table , her father imparted the answer with condescension each time . This duty was expected of her more frequent as years passed . The point when her dream twisted into a nightmare was when the man shoved her into his apartment . Her knees landed on the chill of the linoleum floor with a thud , the cold seeping through her thin cotton pants . He decided this was not suitable anymore and yanked her by the ponytail . She had no choice , but to follow him into his bedroom where he threw her into his closet , as it brought him the added layer of security . He wrapped his hands around her neck and squeezed . His murderous grip held tight as she lost sense of the surroundings . The lamp bulb hanging from the ceiling was what kept her from losing complete consciousness . He gave her some reprieve when he loosened his grip . She had the opportunity to damage him with her nails , but it proved fruitless . They struggled against each other , but soon he overwhelmed her . The best alternative was hoping she would be able to rip into his flesh at a later time , and then have another day to live . Her predicament reminded her of the nights she had to defend herself from johns with a viciousness only reserved for those special people . She lay in the closet , trying to suck in as much oxygen in her tightened windpipe . She wondered when her body morph into a skeleton . How long would it take for a person or people to find her body ? What level of decomposition stage would it be ? Would they kick dirt over her bones because they viewed me as less than ? Would they volunteer to cremate or bury her after the autopsy ? Or would they just leave her for the animals to destroy further and not report it ? Would she end up in the morgue for a long time because the detectives had given up finding her killer ? She condemned herself for thinking about her body 's disposal right now instead of fighting for her life . She should have figured these details before finding herself under the foot of this man , but one rarely cares about death when she has such a hard time carrying out the process of living . Would it be wrong for her to give up the struggle and allow him to kill her ? What would God think as the last little bit of life left her body ? Sensing a change within her , his rough hands completely moved away from her neck , giving her a brief reprieve to catch her breath . Yet , her body did not feel like her own , and he slapped her a few times and brought her back to her reality . She thought , I 'm in deep trouble . As quick as he released his grip , his hands tightened around her neck again , his fingers burrowing deeper into her neck . Was he trying to produce excess fat when there was not any ? Am I so bad that he feels it necessary to excavate the sides of my neck ? She had done questionable things in the past , but her past actions were not so severe to equal death , let alone this kind of death . Delilah teetered between leaving her living world behind and embracing the new world much darker and permanent . His body no longer looked like a man 's body upon glance . He now wore a robe , the darkest black she had ever seen . The hood brought a long shadow to his face . The thick folds of crushed satin hung peacefully on his robe that covered his now transparent skin . He floated above her , not wanting to violate her quite yet . There was much more playing to be done , and he wanted to engage in this fabrication until the end . She felt the weight of him on her again , but this time only bore half the previous weight . Her survival instincts betrayed her , and soon found herself waiting to be extinguished , her chest lifting and falling heavy , knowing it would be her last breaths . He copied her movements , in a mocking way . She had no idea what his name was and before she could demand it from him , Delilah woke up and found her hands clutching her neck . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Today Grandpa and I were talking about birthdays - today is one relative 's , he mentioned someone else 's on Oct . 7 , " and someone else has one on December 19 ! " " My birthday 's on the 16th , Grandpa . " " December ! December 19 ! " " No , December 16 . " " You changed it ! " Someone called and said they 'd like to come over to visit Gpa today . When I told him the visitor was coming , Grandpa said , " Good for him ! I 'll give him a medal . " Grandpa and his male visitor had a nice , chatty visit - I was in the room , but worked on the newspaper 's crossword puzzle most of the time . Somehow their conversation turned to women and how much they talk ! Then they both turned their heads and looked at me . I slowly raised my eyebrows at them and pointed to my SHUT mouth . Well , it was shut until I stuck my tongue out at them . Today we watched part of " My Darling Clementine " on TV . ( Gpa is being very good - natured about the new fall TV season which does not include any episodes of " I Love Lucy " ! If they take away Andy Griffith too , we may have a problem . ) One scene reminded Gpa of a memory : " I used to know a guy that drank so much one time he threw up and his false teeth fell into the toilet and he flushed them . " This sharing of memories is just one of the reasons I love to spend quality time with Grandpa . : ) Yesterday Grandpa asked me if I had any tulips . I started to say no , when I remembered he used to pull this joke on me when I was little ( two lips ) . He also likes to tell his son to take an extra pair of pants when he goes golfing in case he gets a hole in one . ( When you 're 93 you can get away with bad jokes . ) This a . m . Grandpa told me his tulips ate his cream of wheat at breakfast and he didn 't get any . I told him that was terrible , and for lunch I 'd duct tape his tulips so he could have his soup . " Oh no you won 't ! ! ! " When he asked for pudding after lunch , he described it as having white hair . " Where 's the brown ? " I asked . " On the bowl . " So I turned the bowl upside down , put a dollop of pudding on its base and added a squirt of whipped cream . " You said on , not in ! " He thought that was pretty funny ; we 're easily amused . A woman we know is going on a trip and she asked gpa what he wanted as a souvenir . " You don 't have to do that , " he said . " Just bring me a quarter . " " A quarter ? " she asked . As if she had asked a dumb question , he replied , " Yeah , you know , the one with George Washington on it . " He was in the mood for silliness today . Sometimes I help him get his sweatshirt on , and when I gathered up the sleeves and held it out to him today , he dived his hands through the neck hole and laughed . Someday I 'm just gonna ' put the shirt on like that . He got our favorite hospice worker good today - in preparation for helping him stand , she took the pillows he uses to prop himself up , put them on the couch , then went back to gpa , bent over , and asked if he was ready . He whipped a water gun out from under the blanket covering his legs and got her good ! We practiced a little before she got there , and he fumbled a bit , but when it mattered he was like James Bond ! Naturally , when she asked if that was my idea , Grandpa ratted on me . Grandpa and I are developing little rituals for some of the things we do every day . When I ask him if he wants dessert after lunch , he usually says , " Yes , white on brown . " This means whipped cream on chocolate pudding . Sometimes I pretend I 'm going to give him mashed potatoes on brown gravy , sometimes I get the food right but decide to put white next to brown instead , sometimes I spray the white all over myself ( accidentally ) . After lunch I ask him if he wants his feet up in the recliner . He 's begun to spell or use acronyms for his answer . " F U , " he said a couple of weeks ago ( " feet up " ) . After my shocked reaction to my grandfather telling me to f u , Grandpa changed it to " F U - P . " Today I asked , " Way F U - P ? " and pressed lightly on the back of the chair , beginning to tilt him backward ( don 't tell my dad ) . Grandpa laughed and said , " No no no no no ! F just level ! " Grandpa had a couple of visitors this morning . After the second one left he said , " What a lot of visitors ! I 'm ready for President Obama ! " Due to a combination of tough whiskers and very tender skin which makes shaving difficult , Grandpa is growing out his beard for the first time in his life . He 's not sure he likes it , but many of us love it - he really does look handsome - I mean , even more handsome . Maybe I 'll let my own grow out . He 's also started wearing his John Deere cap because sometimes the light in the room is too bright for him . So now when I go downstairs instead of seeing a bald , clean - shaven man I see a guy who 's ready to enter the high - stakes poker championships , if someone would just get him some sunglasses . Speaking of beards , you know how in 5th grade or thereabouts they split up the boys and girls at school and give you " the talk " or show you " the video " about the wonderful changes your body has begun or will soon begin to make ? I think we should get another talk in high school . I mean , I really could 've used a heads up that someday my breasts would develop an irresistable attraction to my navel , that I 'd walk into rooms and forget what I was going to do there , and grow facial hair . If you watch enough TV you figure out the boobs thing , but chin hair ? Are you kidding me ? ! My internet service provider cut off my service the other day because I hadn 't paid them in a while ( go figure ) . This is yet another area in which I need to improve my practice in stewardship . I think my move and the changes associated with it will help . But had I paid on time , I would have missed this delightful experience : Call # 3 : I called billing 's direct line but still had to go through the same beginning rigmarole with the chatty male auto - voice , who says things like , " Thanks . I 'll just look that up . " and " What is the nature of your problem ? You can say things like . . . . " Finally I got to a human being , explained I had been in the middle of some process with someone in billing when we got disconnected , and asked if he could help me . He told me the reconnection will happen automatically in 5 - 6 hours . After a brief pause , I said , " I 'm sorry , did you say hours ? " " Yes , ma ' am , 5 - 6 hours . " " Please enter your account number . " I did so . " Thanks . I 'll just look that up . " ( I 'd called them a couple of times before today , and since my last call they 'd added new , disturbing beep - beep - boop - click - click sounds while auto - guy " looks up " my account . I can 't decide if it 's scarier to imagine a computer actually doing this , like a Terminator prequel , or that the company views Americans ( rightly or wrongly ) as being too dumb or too impatient to wait through a few seconds of silence . ) I finally got transferred to a human , who talked so softly I told her I couldn 't hear her . She apologized and apparently adjusted her headset at the same time I turned up the volume on my phone full - blast , because then I heard , " Can yoU HEAR ME NOW ? ? ? " I could , explained my problem , and she told me I actually needed to speak with someone in accts . receivable , and transferred me . I figured the whole office must have watched Mr . Rogers tapes over lunch , because every human I spoke to told me I was a very special customer and they were thrilled to have my business ; this last woman oozed so much happiness and gratitude that sap started dripping from my phone . I wanted to ask , " Seriously ? Have you seen my account record ? " but I didn 't . The woman in a / r said I was the second call that afternoon about being disconnected , blamed it all on their system , said her manager was working on the problem , and I should be able to get back online in 30 - 45 minutes . She was right ! When I think about how I got my new ( to me ) queen - sized bed , the word " extravagance " comes to mind . I 'd always slept on a twin ; the one I most recently had I bought used 16 years ago . The dogs liked to sleep on it too , which I didn 't mind , except there wasn 't enough room for all 3 of us . So I decided it was time to buy a big - girl bed . I mentioned this off - handedly to a friend of mine , who said she knew a couple that were giving away their spare queen bed . I happily took it . I believe God had a hand in giving me that bed , and it was an extravagant gift , both from God and the couple . They gave me numerous bedding items along with the bed , and everything was in pristine shape . A few weeks after I got the bed , the dogs had chewed up 2 sheets , 2 pillow slipcovers , 1 blanket , and the comforter . Everything but the comforter is beyond help , except for use as rags . I did my own share of " damage " - one of the pillows and pillow cases has a bunch of pen marks on it from my doing puzzles before I go to sleep . I looked at all this damage once , and thought how sad it was that the bed that had been taken care of so well was now a mess . Then I realized , or God showed me , that he knew very well what kind of home this bed was going to and what kind of terrors it would endure . And I got , was given , the bed anyway . I saw it as a marvelous extravagance on God 's part - not only did I not really need a new bed , I certainly didn 't need such a nice one . I didn 't even pray for one ; I viewed getting a new bed the same way I get shampoo or gasoline - it 's just something you do in life . But God butted in and revealed his presence and gave to me lavishly and unexpectedly . I don 't know why he did , but I am thankful for it . At the end of this month I am moving in with my aunt and uncle . I am giving away and selling most of everything I own - I have a strong desire for simplicity in this area . I think I will even give away the bed and go back to a twin - size to save space . It seems ridiculous , extravagant , to give it up . It also seems like the obvious choice - God & the couple gave it to me , now I 'm done with it and am passing it along - this is the way I think we should handle most of our stuff , maybe all of it . The bed never was strictly mine , I just used it for a while . I am making some choices this month that seem to make no rational sense : giving away a lot of things ( won 't I need them again someday ? ) , giving up the dogs ( isn 't that a bit extreme ? ) , postponing further training in tutoring ( don 't I need this info . for my current students ? ) , postponing tutoring itself until I 've moved and life has settled down a bit ( why can 't you handle 2 hours a week ? don 't you need the money ? ) , and moving in with family ( are you nuts ? ! you love living alone and haven 't shared space with anyone since 1991 ! ) . I don 't know if these are good or bad or neutral decisions ; I can 't understand my situation anymore . And I think that 's exactly what God wants - I 've relied too much on rational thought in the past . Now I consider options and make decisions based on what Catholics ( and probably others ) call a sense of consolation or desolation - I sense if this is the way to move forward or not , I move forward when it seems right , and I have no idea what will happen next . It 's sort of like jumping out of a plane without a parachute , knowing that something else will work out , but you don 't know what that is . Once you 're done screaming and throwing up and pinwheeling your arms and legs , it 's actually fun and freeing . And you get to be surprised , to learn something new , grow , and watch how God takes care of you . Almost ten years ago , I realized Chester was not just going to be an ordinary dog to me . He was going to be very , very special . I began praying something I prayed off and on throughout those ten years , " Dear Lord , if he goes before I do , help me to bear it , because I don 't think I will be able to . " We took Chester to the vet yesterday . Mom and Dad were with me , and that meant a whole lot . Before going into the vet 's , I walked Chester briefly by a lake behind the building . As we walked , it began to sprinkle rain . Rain is my favorite kind of weather , so I received that as a gift and a comfort . We sat with Chester at the beginning , then left the room for the last part of the procedure . I went outside to walk a bit , and I was surprised but deeply thankful to find myself filled with praise . So I praised and thanked God . There have been tears and sadness , and there will be more , but yesterday and this morning I am filled with peace , joy , love , and gratitude . They are a wonderful gift from God , and I sensed him holding me tightly all day yesterday , just as my aunt later told me she 'd prayed . I also sensed other relatives and friends holding me up in prayer . Mom , Dad , and I went from the vet 's to Goddard , where my brother 's in - laws gave a special spot on their land for Chester 's grave . Brad 's father - in - law also built Chester a perfectly - sized coffin , dug the hole , and chose a stone , which I love , to use as a marker . That 's right - this man built a coffin and dug a grave for his son - in - law 's sister 's dog . Wow . He led us in prayer afterward , and then I spent a brief moment alone at the grave , where again I felt joyful , thankful , and sad , but couldn 't keep from smiling . When I left I was filled with peace . Later I took Oliver to the humane society . The staff commented on how well - behaved he was in the lobby while I filled out paperwork - good job , Ollie ! : ) Hopefully , his anxiety will soon pass and he will be found by a fun family who will take good care of that fun and loving dog . I will miss his " kisses " on my leg after every dinner - he 'd finish eating , come to me , and lick my lower leg once . Perhaps just wiping off his tongue , but I chose to see it as a " thank you . " : ) Last night I sensed Chester with me for a few minutes . This morning I woke up happy . God has more than answered my 10 - year prayer , and I can barely express my gratitude , awe , and love . Day by day we are given not what we want but what we need . Sometimes it is a feast and sometimes . . . swept crumbs , but by faith we believe it 's enough . - Barbara Brown Taylor Life is this simple ; we are living in a world that is absolutely transparent , and God is shining through all the time . This is not just a fable or a nice story . It is true . If we abandon ourselves to God and forget ourselves , we see it sometimes , and we see it maybe frequently . God shows Himself everywhere , in everything - in people and in things and in nature and in events . . . we cannot be without Him . It 's impossible . The only thing is , we don 't see it . My friend Kristin wished me happy treasure hunting as I pack up my stuff . I told her I 'd been through this stuff so much there weren 't any surprises left . I was wrong ! The most recent treasure is a book written and illustrated by children with disabilities , published in 1977 , with the title quoted above . Here are some quotes from the book : " One time I had a thought that Jesus came down with all the angels and healed everybody on the whole earth . I don 't believe that will really happen . But I feel that everybody who is handicapped is doing a favor for God . If I 'm going by on the sidewalk and they walk by with their problems , they look at me and they won 't have anymore problems because they 're better off than I am . I don 't think they are as lucky as I am because I try more . They can do anything just like that . But when I 'm doing anything , I appreciate it more . " " People stare at me a lot and wonder why that happened to that certain person . I ask myself that a lot sometimes , too . God wanted me to be like this , I guess . " " I like to look outside on rainy days - watching the raindrops fall - plop , plop , plop . Suddenly the plops go faster and faster . I get tired . The raindrops get slower and the last raindrop comes down . Then the clouds go away . I hate rain clouds to part . I feel the drops and plops . " " I like my brother . He is always tickling and telling jokes . Every time he does something so funny , it makes me happy . . . . When he 's telling a whole bunch of jokes and I 'm telling them back , it 's feeling like I 'm all filled up with laughter inside . He 's got some goodies . I don 't know where he gets ' em , but I 'd sure like to find that place . " " A thing that used to bother me the most was being in a wheelchair . But . . . that doesn 't bother me anymore . I 've gotten adjusted to sitting in this thing and I realize this has enabled me to do things that nobody else can do - to think more about things . " " What I like about Easter Seals is . . . they want you to go out by yourself . I appreciate people that try to help me . But sometimes they want to help too much . . . . I like them to treat me like any other kid running around - just like a regular kid . " " There 's two favorite places I like to go - to the store with my mom - and I like to go on picnics with her . There 's two more favorite places . I like to go to my grandmother 's with mom . I like to get out in the car with her . When I go shopping with her I get the happiest feeling in the world . I clean up the kitchen for her - play games with her . I answer the phone for her . She 's not able to get around because she studies . It makes me feel fine everytime she asks me to do something . . . . I feel like I love her very much . She thinks I 'm a special daughter of hers . " " It 's good to know that somebody loves you and that they care about you . I think if someone cares about you , you want to help yourself more . . . . It gives you a peaceful feeling inside . It 's a warm feeling . It 's important to have a good family - to have love for everybody . To love yourself . That 's the most important thing , to love yourself and accept yourself for what you are . If you can do that , you can accept anybody else . " " At home I used to didn 't get to do anything . Once I asked my mother about helping her and she thought I might not be able to do it . I said , ' Well , can I have a try at it . ' She gave me a chance to do it and I did it and she saw that it was good . Then she gave me the opportunity to keep on doing it . I fold the clothes and remind her of things . She did a lot of things for me and I like to do things in return . Before , all I got to do was watch . I showed her I could even do it better than anyone else could . Well , not at first . Then , I got the hang of it , and I did it . I like to clean the bathroom . . . the bathtub , the toilet , the sink and the mirror . The only thing I didn 't get to do was mop the floor because I might slip and fall down . That 's how I got to help around the house . " " It makes me feel good that I 'm helping people . When I was in the hospital , some people had nobody to see them . I had lots of visitors . That 's why I felt more burdened to visit those people who were all alone . They really need people to care for them . I know how they feel with nobody there . " " When I moved here two years ago , I made a good friend . She 's a woman seventy - two or seventy - three . She goes for a walk . I just got my electric wheelchair . When I went around the block I let her hold on the back of my wheelchair to help her walk . It makes me feel good . I avoid dips and puddles . " " Thinking I can do stuff by myself is a nice thought . If I ever go to college , I 'd have to be able to take care of myself . It would be pretty funny for an eighteen - year - old boy not to be dressing himself . It took me five weeks , five days a week of practice at the hospital to learn to dress myself . . . . The staff there encouraged me . They helped me . It took a lot of time . People had to keep me going . At one time I almost quit because I couldn 't reach to my feet to put my pants on . Then it got easier as I practiced more . . . . Opening a door is one of the things I 'd like to try . " " I 'm in the tenth grade at school . I got straight A 's the last five years . To get into the high school I 'm going to , I really had to fight because they said they did not allow anyone in wheelchairs . One counselor said , ' It 's against our policy . ' Some of my classrooms are upstairs . . . . I really had to fight them . Then I found out that another girl had gone there ten years ago . How she got upstairs was really neat . The football team - they made arrangements ahead of time - whenever she had classes upstairs they met and carried her up and down the stairs . In the fourth grade I had the same fight . Then , I was on crutches . They said , ' You can 't go because somebody might knock you over and hurt you . ' They said , ' Use a wheelchair . ' So I bought a wheelchair just to make them happy and never used it . This year it was just the opposite . They said they didn 't allow wheelchairs . Finally I just showed up at the beginning of the year and they had to let me go . " " I heard this one story about a girl who had cerebral palsy and she was in a restaurant . Somebody came up and asked , ' Why are you in that wheelchair ? ' The girl turned around and said , ' What wheelchair ? ' . . . That 's the way I feel . I know I 'm in it but I don 't consider myself handicapped . You are what your mind thinks you are . " " I like to be around other kids because it makes me feel in place - normal , like other kids are . I like music . I play the guitar . I like baseball . I can play it if somebody holds me on the back . I swing . Usually , I have someone else run for me . " " Last Saturday my boyfriend came over . I live in a house and he lives in the next house . He took me out on a date . He took me to the restaurant . Then we drove to a movie and a pizza . Then he walked me home . He 's twelve . His name is Frank . He 's good looking . I just like him . I 'm nine . He takes care of me . When we go out on a date , instead of having a big person to take care of me , he takes care of me . When we go to the movie , if I fall out of the seat , he picks me up . " " This is my first year at Camp Harmon and I sure enjoy it . I enjoy helping my counselors and , believe me , they need a lot of help . When I get older I want to be either a movie star or a counselor . I guess they are both similar . " " If someone has a fire and they 're in danger , so they call the fireman . I like those guys who play firemen . They can help you when there 's a fire in your house . If my friend fell from the roof and I caught him , I 'd be a hero . But I 'd never catch him , he 's so heavy . " " I 'm not old enough to play baseball or football . I 'm not eight , yet . My mom told me when you start baseball , you aren 't going to be able to run that fast because you had an operation . I told mom I wouldn 't need to run that fast . When I play baseball , I 'll just hit them out of the park . Then I 'll be able to walk . " " My name is Duncan . I was placed in Cabin 8 ( at camp ) . The terror began that night . When Paul turned out the lights we began to yell and the terror began . The door swung open and suddenly Richard from Animal Farm came in with a pair of samurai swords . He started whacking the beds apart . He came to my bed . Of course , I wasn 't frightened . I kicked the swords out of his hands . I picked them up and broke ' em over his head . He started crying and sucked his thumb . Then he chased me . I thought I 'd better expose my true identity . My name is Duncan , the Bionic Man . I got out of my wheelchair and ran at him full force . Suddenly , my bionic arm fell off . I had to pick it up and glue it back on . It fell off again so I said , ' Forget it . It 's only two million dollars down the drain . ' Due to difficulties beyond our control this story will not be continued because the writer had to be taken to the funny farm . " I love words ; I love to explore their meaning . A few days ago a crossword puzzle reminded me that " brood " can mean " incubate . " I 'm a really good brooder , when it comes to carrying around thoughts and ideas for a time . But I forget that brooding isn 't obsession - you don 't think and pick apart those ideas to death , you care for them and give them a loving , hospitable place to gestate and be born in their time . I look at Genesis 22 and Abraham 's call to sacrifice his son Isaac . Don 't argue with me about whether or not dogs mean as much , or are worth as much , as people - regardless of our views , this is hurting me to the core . ( And no , I don 't believe God has promised me or Chester that he will make Chester 's descendants into a chosen corgi nation . ) The story in Gen . 22 is short , but I can imagine what might have been going through Abraham 's mind at the time ; I can imagine what would be going through mine . " Abraham ! " " Here I am ! " " Take your son . . . your beloved Isaac , ( the fulfillment of the promise I gave to you ) and go . . . offer him as a burnt offering . . . . " Wait . . . WHAT ? ! Did I hear that right ? You mean this son ? The one that is the foundation for our covenant ? The one you sent directly to me , regardless of the fact that my wife was too old to bear a child ? I thought it was too late , I was content with my life , I was close to you , then you came and turned my life upside down and called me to leave my homeland and asked for tremendous trust and actions from me , you promised me things greater than I 'd ever imagined , and now you are not only taking it back , you are asking me to kill it ? ! What is going on ? ? ? Now , if you grew up in Sunday School you know that God saves the day at the last minute when he sees that Abraham is willing to give up his promised son and provides a ram to be offered instead . Then God promises Abraham tremendous blessings . So the moral of the story is , just convince God that you 're willing to do as he asks , and at the last minute he 'll keep anything horrible from happening and bless you instead . No , wait , that doesn 't sound right . . . oh , okay , it 's about stewardship versus ownership - ultimately Isaac , Chester , Oliver , etc . are not ours , they are God 's . Yes , there is that , but there 's more : Abraham ultimately did not falter in his belief , in his deep faith that becomes a form of knowledge , that God would keep his part of the covenant . Maybe Abraham wrestled with the idea , maybe not , but when he brought his promised son to the place of sacrifice , his deepest commitment , the one to God , was the source of his actions . I am not attributing these thoughts to Abraham , but a truth of this story is that God never backed down on his promise , but he might have changed the way he fulfilled it . He may fulfill his promises in ways we could never imagine . I have had 10 amazing years with Chester - this dog truly is one of my soul - mates . We 've had 5 fun years with Oliver . They have both taught me much . I said I would never abandon them , and now the reality is that this process of giving them up has led to the point of my having to give them to strangers , something that is even harder for me to have peace with than if they were to have died . But the truth of this story isn 't oops , I messed things up or life didn 't go as I 'd planned , and now I have to take back that promise that I wouldn 't abandon you ; the truth is closer to : I misunderstood my power and level of ownership , my control that I had in this relationship . In giving you away , I am still fulfilling my promise to take care of you , because I am doing as God asks , and he 's the ultimate caretaker . We will be physically apart , and you will probably forget about me someday , but we will remain close in spirit ; nothing , no height , no depth , no life , no death , will separate us . God is the source and goal for all life , and he holds us together . Not one of us is abandoned . |
Today Grandpa and I were talking about birthdays - today is one relative 's , he mentioned someone else 's on Oct . 7 , " and someone else has one on December 19 ! " " My birthday 's on the 16th , Grandpa . " " December ! December 19 ! " " No , December 16 . " " You changed it ! " Someone called and said they 'd like to come over to visit Gpa today . When I told him the visitor was coming , Grandpa said , " Good for him ! I 'll give him a medal . " Grandpa and his male visitor had a nice , chatty visit - I was in the room , but worked on the newspaper 's crossword puzzle most of the time . Somehow their conversation turned to women and how much they talk ! Then they both turned their heads and looked at me . I slowly raised my eyebrows at them and pointed to my SHUT mouth . Well , it was shut until I stuck my tongue out at them . Today we watched part of " My Darling Clementine " on TV . ( Gpa is being very good - natured about the new fall TV season which does not include any episodes of " I Love Lucy " ! If they take away Andy Griffith too , we may have a problem . ) One scene reminded Gpa of a memory : " I used to know a guy that drank so much one time he threw up and his false teeth fell into the toilet and he flushed them . " This sharing of memories is just one of the reasons I love to spend quality time with Grandpa . : ) Yesterday Grandpa asked me if I had any tulips . I started to say no , when I remembered he used to pull this joke on me when I was little ( two lips ) . He also likes to tell his son to take an extra pair of pants when he goes golfing in case he gets a hole in one . ( When you 're 93 you can get away with bad jokes . ) This a . m . Grandpa told me his tulips ate his cream of wheat at breakfast and he didn 't get any . I told him that was terrible , and for lunch I 'd duct tape his tulips so he could have his soup . " Oh no you won 't ! ! ! " When he asked for pudding after lunch , he described it as having white hair . " Where 's the brown ? " I asked . " On the bowl . " So I turned the bowl upside down , put a dollop of pudding on its base and added a squirt of whipped cream . " You said on , not in ! " He thought that was pretty funny ; we 're easily amused . A woman we know is going on a trip and she asked gpa what he wanted as a souvenir . " You don 't have to do that , " he said . " Just bring me a quarter . " " A quarter ? " she asked . As if she had asked a dumb question , he replied , " Yeah , you know , the one with George Washington on it . " He was in the mood for silliness today . Sometimes I help him get his sweatshirt on , and when I gathered up the sleeves and held it out to him today , he dived his hands through the neck hole and laughed . Someday I 'm just gonna ' put the shirt on like that . He got our favorite hospice worker good today - in preparation for helping him stand , she took the pillows he uses to prop himself up , put them on the couch , then went back to gpa , bent over , and asked if he was ready . He whipped a water gun out from under the blanket covering his legs and got her good ! We practiced a little before she got there , and he fumbled a bit , but when it mattered he was like James Bond ! Naturally , when she asked if that was my idea , Grandpa ratted on me . Grandpa and I are developing little rituals for some of the things we do every day . When I ask him if he wants dessert after lunch , he usually says , " Yes , white on brown . " This means whipped cream on chocolate pudding . Sometimes I pretend I 'm going to give him mashed potatoes on brown gravy , sometimes I get the food right but decide to put white next to brown instead , sometimes I spray the white all over myself ( accidentally ) . After lunch I ask him if he wants his feet up in the recliner . He 's begun to spell or use acronyms for his answer . " F U , " he said a couple of weeks ago ( " feet up " ) . After my shocked reaction to my grandfather telling me to f u , Grandpa changed it to " F U - P . " Today I asked , " Way F U - P ? " and pressed lightly on the back of the chair , beginning to tilt him backward ( don 't tell my dad ) . Grandpa laughed and said , " No no no no no ! F just level ! " Grandpa had a couple of visitors this morning . After the second one left he said , " What a lot of visitors ! I 'm ready for President Obama ! " Due to a combination of tough whiskers and very tender skin which makes shaving difficult , Grandpa is growing out his beard for the first time in his life . He 's not sure he likes it , but many of us love it - he really does look handsome - I mean , even more handsome . Maybe I 'll let my own grow out . He 's also started wearing his John Deere cap because sometimes the light in the room is too bright for him . So now when I go downstairs instead of seeing a bald , clean - shaven man I see a guy who 's ready to enter the high - stakes poker championships , if someone would just get him some sunglasses . Speaking of beards , you know how in 5th grade or thereabouts they split up the boys and girls at school and give you " the talk " or show you " the video " about the wonderful changes your body has begun or will soon begin to make ? I think we should get another talk in high school . I mean , I really could 've used a heads up that someday my breasts would develop an irresistable attraction to my navel , that I 'd walk into rooms and forget what I was going to do there , and grow facial hair . If you watch enough TV you figure out the boobs thing , but chin hair ? Are you kidding me ? ! My internet service provider cut off my service the other day because I hadn 't paid them in a while ( go figure ) . This is yet another area in which I need to improve my practice in stewardship . I think my move and the changes associated with it will help . But had I paid on time , I would have missed this delightful experience : Call # 3 : I called billing 's direct line but still had to go through the same beginning rigmarole with the chatty male auto - voice , who says things like , " Thanks . I 'll just look that up . " and " What is the nature of your problem ? You can say things like . . . . " Finally I got to a human being , explained I had been in the middle of some process with someone in billing when we got disconnected , and asked if he could help me . He told me the reconnection will happen automatically in 5 - 6 hours . After a brief pause , I said , " I 'm sorry , did you say hours ? " " Yes , ma ' am , 5 - 6 hours . " " Please enter your account number . " I did so . " Thanks . I 'll just look that up . " ( I 'd called them a couple of times before today , and since my last call they 'd added new , disturbing beep - beep - boop - click - click sounds while auto - guy " looks up " my account . I can 't decide if it 's scarier to imagine a computer actually doing this , like a Terminator prequel , or that the company views Americans ( rightly or wrongly ) as being too dumb or too impatient to wait through a few seconds of silence . ) I finally got transferred to a human , who talked so softly I told her I couldn 't hear her . She apologized and apparently adjusted her headset at the same time I turned up the volume on my phone full - blast , because then I heard , " Can yoU HEAR ME NOW ? ? ? " I could , explained my problem , and she told me I actually needed to speak with someone in accts . receivable , and transferred me . I figured the whole office must have watched Mr . Rogers tapes over lunch , because every human I spoke to told me I was a very special customer and they were thrilled to have my business ; this last woman oozed so much happiness and gratitude that sap started dripping from my phone . I wanted to ask , " Seriously ? Have you seen my account record ? " but I didn 't . The woman in a / r said I was the second call that afternoon about being disconnected , blamed it all on their system , said her manager was working on the problem , and I should be able to get back online in 30 - 45 minutes . She was right ! When I think about how I got my new ( to me ) queen - sized bed , the word " extravagance " comes to mind . I 'd always slept on a twin ; the one I most recently had I bought used 16 years ago . The dogs liked to sleep on it too , which I didn 't mind , except there wasn 't enough room for all 3 of us . So I decided it was time to buy a big - girl bed . I mentioned this off - handedly to a friend of mine , who said she knew a couple that were giving away their spare queen bed . I happily took it . I believe God had a hand in giving me that bed , and it was an extravagant gift , both from God and the couple . They gave me numerous bedding items along with the bed , and everything was in pristine shape . A few weeks after I got the bed , the dogs had chewed up 2 sheets , 2 pillow slipcovers , 1 blanket , and the comforter . Everything but the comforter is beyond help , except for use as rags . I did my own share of " damage " - one of the pillows and pillow cases has a bunch of pen marks on it from my doing puzzles before I go to sleep . I looked at all this damage once , and thought how sad it was that the bed that had been taken care of so well was now a mess . Then I realized , or God showed me , that he knew very well what kind of home this bed was going to and what kind of terrors it would endure . And I got , was given , the bed anyway . I saw it as a marvelous extravagance on God 's part - not only did I not really need a new bed , I certainly didn 't need such a nice one . I didn 't even pray for one ; I viewed getting a new bed the same way I get shampoo or gasoline - it 's just something you do in life . But God butted in and revealed his presence and gave to me lavishly and unexpectedly . I don 't know why he did , but I am thankful for it . At the end of this month I am moving in with my aunt and uncle . I am giving away and selling most of everything I own - I have a strong desire for simplicity in this area . I think I will even give away the bed and go back to a twin - size to save space . It seems ridiculous , extravagant , to give it up . It also seems like the obvious choice - God & the couple gave it to me , now I 'm done with it and am passing it along - this is the way I think we should handle most of our stuff , maybe all of it . The bed never was strictly mine , I just used it for a while . I am making some choices this month that seem to make no rational sense : giving away a lot of things ( won 't I need them again someday ? ) , giving up the dogs ( isn 't that a bit extreme ? ) , postponing further training in tutoring ( don 't I need this info . for my current students ? ) , postponing tutoring itself until I 've moved and life has settled down a bit ( why can 't you handle 2 hours a week ? don 't you need the money ? ) , and moving in with family ( are you nuts ? ! you love living alone and haven 't shared space with anyone since 1991 ! ) . I don 't know if these are good or bad or neutral decisions ; I can 't understand my situation anymore . And I think that 's exactly what God wants - I 've relied too much on rational thought in the past . Now I consider options and make decisions based on what Catholics ( and probably others ) call a sense of consolation or desolation - I sense if this is the way to move forward or not , I move forward when it seems right , and I have no idea what will happen next . It 's sort of like jumping out of a plane without a parachute , knowing that something else will work out , but you don 't know what that is . Once you 're done screaming and throwing up and pinwheeling your arms and legs , it 's actually fun and freeing . And you get to be surprised , to learn something new , grow , and watch how God takes care of you . Almost ten years ago , I realized Chester was not just going to be an ordinary dog to me . He was going to be very , very special . I began praying something I prayed off and on throughout those ten years , " Dear Lord , if he goes before I do , help me to bear it , because I don 't think I will be able to . " We took Chester to the vet yesterday . Mom and Dad were with me , and that meant a whole lot . Before going into the vet 's , I walked Chester briefly by a lake behind the building . As we walked , it began to sprinkle rain . Rain is my favorite kind of weather , so I received that as a gift and a comfort . We sat with Chester at the beginning , then left the room for the last part of the procedure . I went outside to walk a bit , and I was surprised but deeply thankful to find myself filled with praise . So I praised and thanked God . There have been tears and sadness , and there will be more , but yesterday and this morning I am filled with peace , joy , love , and gratitude . They are a wonderful gift from God , and I sensed him holding me tightly all day yesterday , just as my aunt later told me she 'd prayed . I also sensed other relatives and friends holding me up in prayer . Mom , Dad , and I went from the vet 's to Goddard , where my brother 's in - laws gave a special spot on their land for Chester 's grave . Brad 's father - in - law also built Chester a perfectly - sized coffin , dug the hole , and chose a stone , which I love , to use as a marker . That 's right - this man built a coffin and dug a grave for his son - in - law 's sister 's dog . Wow . He led us in prayer afterward , and then I spent a brief moment alone at the grave , where again I felt joyful , thankful , and sad , but couldn 't keep from smiling . When I left I was filled with peace . Later I took Oliver to the humane society . The staff commented on how well - behaved he was in the lobby while I filled out paperwork - good job , Ollie ! : ) Hopefully , his anxiety will soon pass and he will be found by a fun family who will take good care of that fun and loving dog . I will miss his " kisses " on my leg after every dinner - he 'd finish eating , come to me , and lick my lower leg once . Perhaps just wiping off his tongue , but I chose to see it as a " thank you . " : ) Last night I sensed Chester with me for a few minutes . This morning I woke up happy . God has more than answered my 10 - year prayer , and I can barely express my gratitude , awe , and love . Day by day we are given not what we want but what we need . Sometimes it is a feast and sometimes . . . swept crumbs , but by faith we believe it 's enough . - Barbara Brown Taylor Life is this simple ; we are living in a world that is absolutely transparent , and God is shining through all the time . This is not just a fable or a nice story . It is true . If we abandon ourselves to God and forget ourselves , we see it sometimes , and we see it maybe frequently . God shows Himself everywhere , in everything - in people and in things and in nature and in events . . . we cannot be without Him . It 's impossible . The only thing is , we don 't see it . My friend Kristin wished me happy treasure hunting as I pack up my stuff . I told her I 'd been through this stuff so much there weren 't any surprises left . I was wrong ! The most recent treasure is a book written and illustrated by children with disabilities , published in 1977 , with the title quoted above . Here are some quotes from the book : " One time I had a thought that Jesus came down with all the angels and healed everybody on the whole earth . I don 't believe that will really happen . But I feel that everybody who is handicapped is doing a favor for God . If I 'm going by on the sidewalk and they walk by with their problems , they look at me and they won 't have anymore problems because they 're better off than I am . I don 't think they are as lucky as I am because I try more . They can do anything just like that . But when I 'm doing anything , I appreciate it more . " " People stare at me a lot and wonder why that happened to that certain person . I ask myself that a lot sometimes , too . God wanted me to be like this , I guess . " " I like to look outside on rainy days - watching the raindrops fall - plop , plop , plop . Suddenly the plops go faster and faster . I get tired . The raindrops get slower and the last raindrop comes down . Then the clouds go away . I hate rain clouds to part . I feel the drops and plops . " " I like my brother . He is always tickling and telling jokes . Every time he does something so funny , it makes me happy . . . . When he 's telling a whole bunch of jokes and I 'm telling them back , it 's feeling like I 'm all filled up with laughter inside . He 's got some goodies . I don 't know where he gets ' em , but I 'd sure like to find that place . " " A thing that used to bother me the most was being in a wheelchair . But . . . that doesn 't bother me anymore . I 've gotten adjusted to sitting in this thing and I realize this has enabled me to do things that nobody else can do - to think more about things . " " What I like about Easter Seals is . . . they want you to go out by yourself . I appreciate people that try to help me . But sometimes they want to help too much . . . . I like them to treat me like any other kid running around - just like a regular kid . " " There 's two favorite places I like to go - to the store with my mom - and I like to go on picnics with her . There 's two more favorite places . I like to go to my grandmother 's with mom . I like to get out in the car with her . When I go shopping with her I get the happiest feeling in the world . I clean up the kitchen for her - play games with her . I answer the phone for her . She 's not able to get around because she studies . It makes me feel fine everytime she asks me to do something . . . . I feel like I love her very much . She thinks I 'm a special daughter of hers . " " It 's good to know that somebody loves you and that they care about you . I think if someone cares about you , you want to help yourself more . . . . It gives you a peaceful feeling inside . It 's a warm feeling . It 's important to have a good family - to have love for everybody . To love yourself . That 's the most important thing , to love yourself and accept yourself for what you are . If you can do that , you can accept anybody else . " " At home I used to didn 't get to do anything . Once I asked my mother about helping her and she thought I might not be able to do it . I said , ' Well , can I have a try at it . ' She gave me a chance to do it and I did it and she saw that it was good . Then she gave me the opportunity to keep on doing it . I fold the clothes and remind her of things . She did a lot of things for me and I like to do things in return . Before , all I got to do was watch . I showed her I could even do it better than anyone else could . Well , not at first . Then , I got the hang of it , and I did it . I like to clean the bathroom . . . the bathtub , the toilet , the sink and the mirror . The only thing I didn 't get to do was mop the floor because I might slip and fall down . That 's how I got to help around the house . " " It makes me feel good that I 'm helping people . When I was in the hospital , some people had nobody to see them . I had lots of visitors . That 's why I felt more burdened to visit those people who were all alone . They really need people to care for them . I know how they feel with nobody there . " " When I moved here two years ago , I made a good friend . She 's a woman seventy - two or seventy - three . She goes for a walk . I just got my electric wheelchair . When I went around the block I let her hold on the back of my wheelchair to help her walk . It makes me feel good . I avoid dips and puddles . " " Thinking I can do stuff by myself is a nice thought . If I ever go to college , I 'd have to be able to take care of myself . It would be pretty funny for an eighteen - year - old boy not to be dressing himself . It took me five weeks , five days a week of practice at the hospital to learn to dress myself . . . . The staff there encouraged me . They helped me . It took a lot of time . People had to keep me going . At one time I almost quit because I couldn 't reach to my feet to put my pants on . Then it got easier as I practiced more . . . . Opening a door is one of the things I 'd like to try . " " I 'm in the tenth grade at school . I got straight A 's the last five years . To get into the high school I 'm going to , I really had to fight because they said they did not allow anyone in wheelchairs . One counselor said , ' It 's against our policy . ' Some of my classrooms are upstairs . . . . I really had to fight them . Then I found out that another girl had gone there ten years ago . How she got upstairs was really neat . The football team - they made arrangements ahead of time - whenever she had classes upstairs they met and carried her up and down the stairs . In the fourth grade I had the same fight . Then , I was on crutches . They said , ' You can 't go because somebody might knock you over and hurt you . ' They said , ' Use a wheelchair . ' So I bought a wheelchair just to make them happy and never used it . This year it was just the opposite . They said they didn 't allow wheelchairs . Finally I just showed up at the beginning of the year and they had to let me go . " " I heard this one story about a girl who had cerebral palsy and she was in a restaurant . Somebody came up and asked , ' Why are you in that wheelchair ? ' The girl turned around and said , ' What wheelchair ? ' . . . That 's the way I feel . I know I 'm in it but I don 't consider myself handicapped . You are what your mind thinks you are . " " I like to be around other kids because it makes me feel in place - normal , like other kids are . I like music . I play the guitar . I like baseball . I can play it if somebody holds me on the back . I swing . Usually , I have someone else run for me . " " Last Saturday my boyfriend came over . I live in a house and he lives in the next house . He took me out on a date . He took me to the restaurant . Then we drove to a movie and a pizza . Then he walked me home . He 's twelve . His name is Frank . He 's good looking . I just like him . I 'm nine . He takes care of me . When we go out on a date , instead of having a big person to take care of me , he takes care of me . When we go to the movie , if I fall out of the seat , he picks me up . " " This is my first year at Camp Harmon and I sure enjoy it . I enjoy helping my counselors and , believe me , they need a lot of help . When I get older I want to be either a movie star or a counselor . I guess they are both similar . " " If someone has a fire and they 're in danger , so they call the fireman . I like those guys who play firemen . They can help you when there 's a fire in your house . If my friend fell from the roof and I caught him , I 'd be a hero . But I 'd never catch him , he 's so heavy . " " I 'm not old enough to play baseball or football . I 'm not eight , yet . My mom told me when you start baseball , you aren 't going to be able to run that fast because you had an operation . I told mom I wouldn 't need to run that fast . When I play baseball , I 'll just hit them out of the park . Then I 'll be able to walk . " " My name is Duncan . I was placed in Cabin 8 ( at camp ) . The terror began that night . When Paul turned out the lights we began to yell and the terror began . The door swung open and suddenly Richard from Animal Farm came in with a pair of samurai swords . He started whacking the beds apart . He came to my bed . Of course , I wasn 't frightened . I kicked the swords out of his hands . I picked them up and broke ' em over his head . He started crying and sucked his thumb . Then he chased me . I thought I 'd better expose my true identity . My name is Duncan , the Bionic Man . I got out of my wheelchair and ran at him full force . Suddenly , my bionic arm fell off . I had to pick it up and glue it back on . It fell off again so I said , ' Forget it . It 's only two million dollars down the drain . ' Due to difficulties beyond our control this story will not be continued because the writer had to be taken to the funny farm . " I love words ; I love to explore their meaning . A few days ago a crossword puzzle reminded me that " brood " can mean " incubate . " I 'm a really good brooder , when it comes to carrying around thoughts and ideas for a time . But I forget that brooding isn 't obsession - you don 't think and pick apart those ideas to death , you care for them and give them a loving , hospitable place to gestate and be born in their time . I look at Genesis 22 and Abraham 's call to sacrifice his son Isaac . Don 't argue with me about whether or not dogs mean as much , or are worth as much , as people - regardless of our views , this is hurting me to the core . ( And no , I don 't believe God has promised me or Chester that he will make Chester 's descendants into a chosen corgi nation . ) The story in Gen . 22 is short , but I can imagine what might have been going through Abraham 's mind at the time ; I can imagine what would be going through mine . " Abraham ! " " Here I am ! " " Take your son . . . your beloved Isaac , ( the fulfillment of the promise I gave to you ) and go . . . offer him as a burnt offering . . . . " Wait . . . WHAT ? ! Did I hear that right ? You mean this son ? The one that is the foundation for our covenant ? The one you sent directly to me , regardless of the fact that my wife was too old to bear a child ? I thought it was too late , I was content with my life , I was close to you , then you came and turned my life upside down and called me to leave my homeland and asked for tremendous trust and actions from me , you promised me things greater than I 'd ever imagined , and now you are not only taking it back , you are asking me to kill it ? ! What is going on ? ? ? Now , if you grew up in Sunday School you know that God saves the day at the last minute when he sees that Abraham is willing to give up his promised son and provides a ram to be offered instead . Then God promises Abraham tremendous blessings . So the moral of the story is , just convince God that you 're willing to do as he asks , and at the last minute he 'll keep anything horrible from happening and bless you instead . No , wait , that doesn 't sound right . . . oh , okay , it 's about stewardship versus ownership - ultimately Isaac , Chester , Oliver , etc . are not ours , they are God 's . Yes , there is that , but there 's more : Abraham ultimately did not falter in his belief , in his deep faith that becomes a form of knowledge , that God would keep his part of the covenant . Maybe Abraham wrestled with the idea , maybe not , but when he brought his promised son to the place of sacrifice , his deepest commitment , the one to God , was the source of his actions . I am not attributing these thoughts to Abraham , but a truth of this story is that God never backed down on his promise , but he might have changed the way he fulfilled it . He may fulfill his promises in ways we could never imagine . I have had 10 amazing years with Chester - this dog truly is one of my soul - mates . We 've had 5 fun years with Oliver . They have both taught me much . I said I would never abandon them , and now the reality is that this process of giving them up has led to the point of my having to give them to strangers , something that is even harder for me to have peace with than if they were to have died . But the truth of this story isn 't oops , I messed things up or life didn 't go as I 'd planned , and now I have to take back that promise that I wouldn 't abandon you ; the truth is closer to : I misunderstood my power and level of ownership , my control that I had in this relationship . In giving you away , I am still fulfilling my promise to take care of you , because I am doing as God asks , and he 's the ultimate caretaker . We will be physically apart , and you will probably forget about me someday , but we will remain close in spirit ; nothing , no height , no depth , no life , no death , will separate us . God is the source and goal for all life , and he holds us together . Not one of us is abandoned . |
Y ' all know I write because I can 't NOT write , but rarely does anything I write come to me in the form of poetry . Last night , though , on the edge of sleep , these words did . Maybe because I was feeling a little under - the - weather over the weekend , though not NEARLY as much as lots of you guys fighting all kinds of coughs and flu and fevers . I just wanted to complain and be taken care of a little I guess , and it brought back memories and when I woke up this morning , the words were still there . My head hurts . She sets offTo get the children 's aspirin , Crushing it between two teaspoons and water , Spoons it in . Rubs me with alcohol , Cold washcloths . I smell only clean . I feel the sheet , cool underneath me . I don 't know what time it is . I wait only for her face , her hands , Her arms , her voice , The voice I know from inside her womb . " Will you read to me ? " I ask . Poetry , when I 'm sick ; I 'm sure sheWonders why . The rhythm , the rhyme , The soothing predictability comforting . I don 't have to follow . Her voice lulls . Out in the hall it is the same as ever . People move . People shout . Nurses sit at theStation , making notes . They check on her . They have seen this before . They are kind . She should hear life . interesting illnesses ( like me ) . I am not sure I 'd want to be a proctologist , but maybe they make more than everybody , who knows . No wean her off oxygen . Neither effort succeeded . Why , we don 't know . No one really knows , except that ( long story VERY short here ) the but it works well for us now . My brother and sister - in - law host it . They decided we would eat at 2 PM . Here is where it all starts going reasonable hour . My father does NOT think 2 PM is a good mealtime . In his opinion , this is eating much too late . I personally don 't degrees of nervousness . Ma got kind of a panicky look on her face . My sister - in - law went over with some tissues and water ( Ma 's on fluid trying to clean that cellar out , who 's putting tapes down there ? " " What kind of tapes ? " I asked . " 8 - track , I think , " my said . She shook her head no . " Let 's go , " she managed to say . It sounded like she was trying to breathe underwater . Halfway to The whole thing started with onions . Steve 's mother was going to make corned beef hash from scratch and told him to come for lunch the next day . Usually Steve 's brother and nephew , who install overhead doors , get through early in the afternoon and show up to eat too . However , Jane ( Steve 's mother ) changed her mind and decided to make beef stew instead . She told him that morning she needed onions . Steve realized he would have to leave for Big Y immediately if he was to buy onions and bring them over to Jane in time for her to cook stew for lunch . ( Jane uses a lot of onions . ) Last time he had been at Big Y Steve had noticed these small whole onions packaged in a bag that read " Vidalia Onions . " He honestly did not think they were Vidalia onions but he wondered if they would have a sweetish taste and he thought his mother might like to try them . But , he knew she wouldn 't put them in her stew so he needed to get regular onions . Unless , he said , " don 't you already have some you can use until I get more ? " " I probably do , " Jane said . " Count your onions , " he said . I am still a little confused as to whether Steve 's mother ended up using her existing onions or new ones for the batch of stew , but in any case everybody ate it and enjoyed it . There are often vegetable issues here . Jane sent Steve for carrots . There 's a smaller independent grocery store near Steve 's house . They have lovely produce ( I 've been there ) . Steve had a dentist 's appointment but he was early and thought he would go get the carrots there to kill some time . If you live almost anywhere in the United States you know that this is the worst winter on record and that parking lots are very icy . VERY icy . Steve slowly shuffled , carefully picking his way in from the truck and trying not to fall and maim himself . All they had were those baby carrots already peeled and packaged . He knew his mother would not use those so he would have to look elsewhere . Steve doesn 't mind going grocery shopping and he does usually go to his local Big Y , a HUGE store I was bowled over by when I first saw it . It also has sales beyond the pale . The thing is , he told me , there is very little confusion about shopping in general until he gets to the produce . There he usually gets jittery . Once he could stand things no longer and finally asked a worker what the difference was between sweet potatoes and yams . " HAH ! " the worker said , " There is absolutely no difference . But some people want sweet potatoes and some want yams , and so we put them in separate displays and mark them differently . " They were , in fact , the same price so this made sense to Steve . BUT Steve is not one to take things that lightly and the next time he was at his parents ' house he dragged out their encyclopedias ( this was pre - computer ) so he could look up sweet potatoes and yams . Well , one or two yams , he discovered , would take a pickup truck to transport . They are grown in Africa and are about six feet long . Steve says he sometimes sees people looking back and forth between the two displays at Big Y and he usually looks over and says " HAH ! " like the worker did . Sometimes for kicks he will go right up to the display , shake his head sadly and go " pssht " like Ed Bassmaster in these famous skits : There is an issue with green peppers , too . Some are shorter and rounder and some are longer . Often when he brings her peppers his mother will say " Stephen , those peppers are too big . " " What do you mean those peppers are too big ? " he asked her . " I got them in my car ! " Too big for stuffed peppers , she explained . Steve thought she cut the tops off and stuffed them but in fact she cuts them in half and makes two . Therefore the logic is that she can use a smaller pepper . There are a few other vegetable considerations in the family . Jane puts " eating celery " on her shopping list when she wants celery hearts because she doesn 't like to eat or serve " cooking celery , " though she will just ask for celery if she 's planning on cooking it . How often do you cook celery , anyway ? What do you put it in ? Beef stew , I know . Hey , I 'm not making fun of anybody . When I run out of cat food I always say " Well , if worst comes to worst I always have a few cans of human tuna . " ( Human tuna with eating celery makes a good salad , of course , if you put it with mayo and elbow noodles . ) " You know , I think most people get confused when it comes to cuts of meat , " Steve said , " but really it 's the VEGETABLES . If you don 't understand the different vegetables you can really drive yourself crazy . It 's all well and good to know the butcher , but the guy who can help you with the vegetables ? That guy ? He 's like this all - knowing presence . He can tell you everything . He 's like a sage . " with things that he has apparently been musing about . ( Once while he was getting dressed in the hallway he quietly pondered " I wonder how many people in the world have just one leg in their pants right now ? " ) I turned to weekends . In New York he worked for the telephone company and liked to call the young girls in our town toll - free . He , his mother , and his brother Alan lived in this big , Jimmy was definitely Not Right . He was a Viet Nam vet and whether or not he 'd seen combat was debatable , but without question he suffered from something - shell shock , they used to call it . I 'm grateful to all our armed forces members who stand ready to defend us against all enemies . That 's no lie . But Jimmy . . . who knows , maybe he had shell shock from childhood . We thought we might embarrass Alan if we asked him though . And we weren 't too interested , to be honest . competing with Pete and Mr . Prentiss who had been so good to him . ( He also began keeping a large pig in his yard . ) There was not much welcome for Jimmy at the brick house any more . jumpsuit . This wasn 't as absurd as it may sound since we do believe that he was indeed part Indian . Native American , for the politically correct . ) The Westcotts had lived in town for several generations ; just don 't feel that way about you . " Smile . Jimmy wasn 't happy . He kept leaning over and I kept leaning away . As far away as I could Heather did succeed in finding someone to officiate at her wedding , thank goodness . I went . It was at the house , and the reception was outside . My skirt was too short , the food was great and Heather , her sister Lisa and I linked arms after a few drinks and sang " My Guy " together . All went very well . Of course I never ran away with Pete Prentiss but let Jimmy think that if he wants . Karma , Jimmy ! I am just glad Heather didn 't hold it against me that I broke Jimmy Westcott 's heart and consequently he 'd refused to do her wedding ( though I think he drove by during the reception ) . I have no interest in whether or not he still has his appendix . fact , still somewhat painful . As is typical when you go into the grocery store because you " need a few things " we came out with 7 bags . Most were his own cloth or vinyl bags , but a few were plastic store bags . Dad bought two jars of gravy , chicken and beef . These went into a plastic bag . Together . the truck . We have no trouble until Dad hands me the gravy bag and lets go of it just before I can grasp it . ( I think . Could be I lost my grip , just to be fair . ) Of course the two jars hit the ground and broke , glass and goo flying everywhere , to our great dismay . Dad said " I knew it ! I knew it ! " Then he jumped when a woman in scrubs , who had just parked her car , ran over and yelled " Don 't touch that , you 'll cut yourself ! Let me do it ! Carol to the rescue ! " Well , startled , I let her do it . " Have you got another bag ? " she asked . Another woman came up to the truck and said " Here 's a bag . " She and Carol picked up the glass ( and several cans of Fancy Feast and a package of hot dogs covered in gravy ) and put it in the bag , and Carol said " I 'm going felt a little guilty . " Who is she ? " Dad asked . " I don 't know , " I said . " Oh ! I think I know , " he said , " She 's that lady who does acupuncture . " I thought a second . " Where did you have acupuncture ? " I asked . " No , no - needles ! You know , she takes your blood ! " he answered . ( In a bit of a tone of disgust with me , I think . ) few minutes later Carol came out of the store , came over , and told us they were bringing out the new gravy and some cat food too . " Do I know you ? " Dad asked ; " I 'm Bob Blair . " " Carol Smith , " she said . " You work at the Shoreline Clinic ? " he asked her . " Used to , now I work at Quest , " she said . " Come and see me sometime ! " ( Requiring a lab slip no doubt . ) I hugged her , thanked her for her random act of kindness ( I actually used that expression ) and she said " Just pay it forward . " I said " We sure will . " We always do try to be kind ourselves , but goodness , she went the extra mile I guess . She even had a paper towel with her and sopped up some of the mess . I 'd have said Hell , let the next rain get it . gravy and new cans of cat food too . ( I 'm not sure why there was a fuss about the cat food , they didn 't split open or anything . But they were awfully nice to replace them . ) " I wasn 't sure what kind of cat food you bought but I tried to match the colors on the labels , " she said . See , even young girls can 't read small print , hah . We got back to Dad 's and brought the bags inside to unpack . " Where 's that gravy ? " I asked . I was sure I had taken the new bag ( very , very carefully ) and put it down by my feet in the cab . " Must still be in the truck , " I said . I went out to look . Nope , wasn 't in there . Just for the hell of it I pulled the lever for the seat , bent it forward and slid it up . There was , in fact , a plastic grocery bag back there . I checked ; it had So in I went and unloaded the bag . Right around that time I decided to dig further into one of Dad 's big green bags and there , packed carefully underneath everything , was the bag with the gravy . " Here it is , " I said . Dad was looking at the stuff I 'd found in the truck . " You bought soup ? " he said . " I thought you bought soup , " I said . " This was in the back of the seats . " " Well , I didn 't buy it , " Dad said . " Do you think Bob [ my brother ] bought it when he was with you the other day and forgot it ? " I wondered . " I doubt that , " he said . We checked the hard roll and it was fresh . Dad threw it out to the birds . I put the soup on a shelf . I I used to dislike the term " random acts of kindness . " I thought it was trite and overused . Besides [ she said cynically ! ] who really does you a favor without expecting anything in return ? Then a while back on Facebook I shared a post about being kind to strangers ( and animals ) as they may be angels in disguise . Shall I tell you a story about an angel I met when I wasn 't , by any means , expecting it ? Shall I tell you two ? And were they angels , or were they simply doing a random act of kindness ? I believe they certainly were , in fact , angels . But I 'll let you decide . Several years ago a friend called me from a town about 30 miles from here ( there were phone booths then ) and said his car had broken down on the highway . He 'd managed to limp it into a closed garage , but was stuck , and asked if I could come and get him . Of course , I said . He tried to tell me where he was , but the town was totally unfamiliar to me ( it isn 't now ! ) I got off an exit I recognized was wrong , and , frustrated , went into a convenience store hoping to get some help . There was a line at the cash register and one customer was a young African - American kid who - - I am going to be very politically incorrect here , please forgive me - - you might get quite nervous meeting in an alleyway or " bad " section of town . Then suddenly he turned to me - specifically to ME , just standing in the that . . . but I was lost , and more than ready to take him up on his offer . I tried explaining where the garage and my friend were . " Gotcha , " he said , " Follow me . I 'm going right onto the highway - when you see my signal you go straight about a mile and it 's on your right . Don 't follow me onto the highway , just keep straight . When I signal you . " I had my misgivings and I didn 't feel totally comfortable . But the kid finished his purchase ( whatever it was ) and went out and jumped into a low - slung car , and I got in mine . He led me through curving city streets ( kinda fast ) and I did my best to keep up with him . It wasn 't long until we hit " civilization " though , and sure enough we were on a main drag with freeways branching off . A little way down the road his car slowed , and he put his right signal on and stuck his left arm out the window , pointing for me to go straight . I felt great calmness finally , and sure enough , about a mile down the road , there was my friend standing in the parking lot of the of the garage waiting for me . " Thought you 'd never make it ! " he said jokingly . I smiled and said " Someone showed me the way . " AND he was a GUY . So I said " Excuse me , can I ask you a question ? " He said " Sure ! " And I asked him whether wipers for a 2001 Explorer would fit a 2000 . " Oh yeah , no problem , " he said . He showed me the different lengths and explained them . " You 'll be fine with these but you ought to get two , " he said , " So you 'll know you replaced them the same time . " I agreed ( these weren 't the expensive ones ) ; he asked if my back wiper ( almost said " rear wiper ! ) was okay , and I told him I thought it was . Then imagine my surprise when he smiled and said " If you 're going to be here awhile I 'll go out and put them on for you . " For some reason I was speechless and could just raise my hand up , and I finally said to the girl " He 's earned his place in Heaven . " She smiled again . " We have a little shopping to do , " he said , " And then I 'll look for you . " " I 'll make sure I 'm here ! " I said . I sat on a bench by the toilet seats and waited about 40 minutes , wishing I could call my mom who was out in the car to tell her I hadn 't been killed by a falling display of Ricola lozenges or something . Finally I decided he 'd forgotten or had given me some B . S . so I went to the checkout . The kid was coming in through the front door of the store . He grinned , pointed to me and came over and said " I found your car - I thought you 'd be waiting there and I think I scared your friend half to death ! " ( Mom IS my friend , lol . ) We walked out together and I said " You know , you 're a very good guy and your parents must have raised he said , " I 've been on my own since I was fourteen . " Why did that not surprise me ? Some kids really do come from toxic parents who consider them " disposable " - and some of these are the greatest kids ever . " I 've had some misfortune in my life , " he went on to say , " And if I can make sure somebody else doesn 't , then I 'm happy . " Sure , this could all be him playing me , for some reason . I don 't think so though . His good energy was off the charts . He undid the packages and snapped the new wipers in while I told Ma yes , we DID make that arrangement ! I gathered the old wipers and trash from his arms ( he was going to take them , too , I think , and looked surprised ) and thanked him profusely , of course , and asked him his name - " Brett , " he said . I stuck the old stuff in the back seat and noticed my mother rummaging in her purse , looking for a little something to give Brett for being so kind . Which only makes sense . She was still rummaging while I still stood outside - - but that 's my mother . Of course I could have figured out how to put the wipers in myself , or asked my brother to do it . But Brett did it . I couldn 't help but hug him . Then he walked off quickly - - very quickly - - as I got in the car , before we could even hand him any money . ( And who knows whether or not he would 've taken it ? My significant other said that the purity and crispness of this whole story was perfect and money would have tinkered with it and troubled it somehow . ) Anyway I said again , shaking my head . " He 's earned his place in Heaven , that kid ! " And then I smiled and thought ; I believe , in fact , young as he was , he 'd no doubt earned that place a long time ago . We 've all heard the fable , you probably chanted it in nursery school - - the poem " For Want Of A Nail . " Remember ? " For want of a nail , the shoe was lost ; for want of a shoe , the horse was lost , " etc . Well , it really doesn 't take much for some things to snowball . Some years ago when I went out to get into my car in the morning there was a political lawn sign in the hatch - back . Now I do lean toward the left and this was a Liberal candidate but it was not one of whom I was particularly fond . Nevertheless , my first thought was not " who the hell put that in there ? " ( it was my brother , but that 's so beside the point ) but rather " what can I do with this to cause trouble for somebody continue this little joke ? " I thought immediately of a friend , Jon , who stayed weekends with his girlfriend and whose house was empty then . Shame on me , I drove down there and stuck the sign in his lawn . I don 't know how I was even able to breathe for laughing so hard imagining him driving up Monday morning and seeing it . Turns out it never occurred to him that I was the culprit - - he thought it was a pal / crony of his , Chris K . He told me later he drove down to Chris K . 's that night and furiously tossed the sign onto the lawn . And he figured he 'd made his point . The next day , though , when Chris got up and saw the sign he figured it had been a neighbor two or three houses down who always seemed to rub him the wrong way . Chris apparently marched down there with this sign , flung it at the neighbor and warned him that if there was any more trouble he was going to call the police . In fact the police may have been called ; I don 't quite remember . It was a good one though . Even Jon thought it was . Dad was DELIGHTED to have found such a thing because now he could play a joke on my mother , whose name is Millie . He immediately took it to her and with a straight face told her it had fallen out of another book which my Significant Other , Steve , had recently lent him , and it must be a baby picture of him . ( The " S " was there and everything . ) First of all , said Mom , it 's obviously a girl . It 's a PRETTY baby , not boyish , and she has pink and lavender on . Second , it 's a color shot . Back in the 50s , when Steve and I were babies , most pics were in black and white . I 'm sure he just walked away hiding a smirk . My mother thought she 'd put him in his place but she gets a little confused at the best of times , and he knows it . Meanwhile I had asked Steve if he knew who it could be and he racked his brain . The books had been his late dad 's and maybe his dad had stuck the snapshot in as a bookmark . However , Steve could recall no Millie on either side of his family . " I think it was my Uncle Frank who gave Dad those books , " he said . " Maybe somebody from one of his in - laws . This is a very mysterious thing . " He questioned me a little more and then said he 'd ask his 93 - year - old mother . The next day I found out about my father 's shenanigans and wasn 't surprised , but I was praying Steve hadn 't asked his mother about Millie and the baby girl yet . Even though his mother is sharp as a tack and looks it , I pictured her fretting about this at her age and eventually getting on the phone to call as many relatives as she could think of to ask for help in tracing the mysterious Millie . Well , I didn 't get to Steve in time and he in fact had already asked his mom , but fortunately she was just very matter - of - fact about it and said she had no idea what he or I were talking about and thank heavens , presumably did not care . Dad , who is 91 himself , is a terrible trickster . I have heard many a tale from those who knew him way back in the day , and he admits it all , including setting his boss 's hat on fire once just to see what would happen . He gets away with this stuff because he is charming . The most jokes he ever played were on my Uncle Bill Breslin . He got me involved early on in this . It was almost automatic that when he changed a toilet seat he would leave the old one in Uncle Bill 's yard . Once , he had me stand on the hood of his car and hammer a sign into a tree on my uncle 's property that said said " For Sale By Owner " and then gave the number of the local coffee shop downtown , thereby killing two birds with one stone . If we found something funny in the dump , there it would go , to the Breslin house where he and my Auntie Mig took it good - naturedly . The killer dump find was an old accordion . This was probably a good 12 or 15 years ago . We could barely get the thing in the truck . We got lucky that day and found my cousin Peggy 's car parked at the foot of their long , steep driveway and like thieves in the night - or reverse thieves in the night - we pulled up , jumped out , deposited the squeezebox and squealed away . HA ! This time the joke was on us . We found out later that Peggy had put the accordion down cellar , bringing it up one night when someone who was visiting mentioned that he knew how to play the instrument and damned if they didn 't have a concert . I got my brother REALLY good once ; it was an incredible stroke of fortune . I 'd gotten a parking ticket for $ 150 for parking in a handicapped space without a permit , though I do HAVE a permit ( Lyme disease ) , I had just forgotten to use it . It was all straightened out with a minimum of trouble , but meanwhile , coming back from taking Mom to a doctor 's appointment in the city , it was still in my car . We stopped for lunch at Ruby Tuesday 's and who should walk in a few minutes later but my brother and his youngest son , who had been doing something at the DMV and had also decided to stop at Ruby Tuesday 's . We all had a pleasant time , and on the way out with Mom I looked for my brother 's car and very surreptitiously slipped the ticket under his windshield wiper . Again , the anticipation of his unpleasant surprise in finding it made for a very pleasant ride home . Later I spoke to my nephew . " Oh my God , " he said , " Dad freaked out because he thought he was parked in the To - Go section . " Once he saw what the ticket really said , though , it was " Well played , sis . . . well played . " Of course . Back several years ago I was visiting the aforementioned Jon and another woman , older than us and very pretty , had also stopped by . I didn 't know where he knew this woman from but she was pleasant and we were making conversation when she suddenly stopped and said " Hey - how old were you in 1971 ? " " Um , 15 , " I said . " Were you tall and skinny with long brown hair ? " I had been . " Oh my god , I was your neighbor across the street - Elaine ! " I hadn 't seen Elaine or any of her family in DECADES and was delighted to have crossed paths with her again . But before I could say anything else she asked me " Didn 't you make a sign once that said ' I AM WOMAN ' and stick it to the back of your brother 's jacket without him knowing , and he wore it on the school bus that morning ? " My jaw dropped , and then I smiled . . . it 's good to be remembered . Retriever . She belonged to my friend and employer Gregg Fisk and his partner Wendy Manes . I worked for Gregg in his flower shop / boutique , Chester Herbworks , in downtown Chester . Gregg and Wendy brought Penny We often worked into the night with custom jobs and closed up when we could . One night when we went to close , Penny was nowhere to be seen . It wasn 't at all like her . We started to canvas the streets , figuring she was surely nearby having a long talk with someone - - or maybe she was getting " treats " at one of the restaurants and didn 't want to leave . However , we couldn 't find her , though everyone we spoke to had indeed seen her that day . Now The next day we made posters and offered a reward , putting my phone number on them because Wendy and Gregg lived in New Britain , at least a half hour away , and as I lived in town it would be easier for me to quickly follow any leads . We plastered the town with these flyers . A day went by , then two . There were a few apparent sightings of Penny , but she was not to be found . Then I had an idea . be taught by a man who lived in town . His name was Roger Pyle . I had never heard the term " paranormal , " and when I looked it up I was intrigued . I was debating taking the course myself . I started to wonder , is it possible that Roger would have an idea that would help us ? Could he " read " Penny and give us a lead as to where she might be ? called Roger , told him the situation and he said by all means , come on over - - and bring something that belongs to Penny . We drove to his house ; Roger and his wife Nancy greeted us . We all sat down and talked . Everyone has potential to be psychic , they told us , and everyone had a sixth sense ; the trick was learning how to use it . Roger Penny was in a black pickup truck , she said . And she was seeing a man with a cowboy hat . She couldn 't tell if Penny was still close by , but she had another vision of Penny lying on a red tiled floor where it was cool . We had no reason to doubt Nancy , but the information didn 't help ; I mean , this is a little New England village , there are hundreds of black pickup trucks around . . . except we didn 't know anyone who wore a cowboy hat . But the visit was not entirely in vain . We had met two nice people who gave us support and encouragement . woman . It seems she had seen a Golden Retriever a few nights ago and had just seen the poster . We drove up and down Goose Hill Road , but we knew most everyone on the road and couldn 't imagine they 'd have found Penny and not called the Dog Warden . " Let 's drive through the center once more , maybe she 's back at the store , " I said . I was keeping my eye out for a black pickup truck and there it was . THERE IT WAS . A black and silver pickup truck . With Texas markers . And there was a Golden Retriever in the back of the truck . Wordlessly , I pulled up into the adjacent parking space . I just sat there . My mother and I looked at each other . " That looks like . . . " she said . " That IS , " I answered . I felt my heart beating faster as I got out of my car . The dog recognized me and stood up . " Hey there , " I heard a voice with a southern accent behind me . I turned around to see a man with a cowboy hat crossing the street , a young boy trailing behind him . was all so unreal - - and that 's an understatement - - that I was at a loss for words , though I was filled with joy to see Penny again . " Are you the one who 's name 's on that poster ? " Mr . Cowboy Hat asked . I nodded . " She followed my kids up the road the other night , " he said . " Up Goose Hill . We didn 't know who she belonged to , we thought she might be a stray so we kept her . We just saw the poster today . " Turns out the guy was renting a house you couldn 't see from the road , down a long winding driveway . " And what about the reward ? " the boy asked . " You never mind that , " his father said . brought her to my mom 's , a place she was very familiar with , and we gave her water and a biscuit from the stash my dad kept on hand for the neighbor 's dog . I called Gregg , but there was no answer so I figured they were on their way from New Britain . We just waited . We were absolutely flabbergasted . Flummoxed . And every other related adjective . And Penny , after she got her water and treat , just sprawled out on the kitchen floor where it was cool , and there she lay when Gregg and Wendy burst through the door - - on a floor with the design of red tiles . I started two blogs : " Careful , Or You 'll End Up In My Novel " ( title stolen from a T - shirt logo ) where I 'm trying to see how some of my previous writing looks in print , and get feedback . I kind of neglect this blog though . ( I don 't know why because I 'm fond of it . ) My second , " Help , My Compass Broke , " was meant to be a blank canvas for new writing in hopes that a creative vein that 's been sealed for a while might open up again . That 's why the posts on " Help " are more akin to essays than typical blog posts . I now have a third blog , believe it or not : " A Wrinkle In Time . " I needed a fresh start , a new invention . It 's been an interesting voyage - - finding my " voice , " and finding others ' . I 've been wanting to " write without a condom " as a fellow blogger plainly put it , and if I can master that , I can take the journals and pages and pages of memoir I 've written out of the file cabinet drawer and really look at them again . And maybe put them together in cohesive form . . . and maybe do something with them . These stories need to come to light . . . and I own these stories , if I can only be curious , funny , disciplined and brave . |
Paul DiNioa , the superintendent of my apartment building , , my godfather and my mentor , stood up from his workbench and walked toward me as I held the phone out to him . He was the strongest man I 've ever seen . Built like a truck , with forearms and hands that could crush a stone , I was always in awe of his strength and silent steely gaze . An immigrant from Italy with a zest for life and unwavering love for his family ( and me ) this man was very well respected in the neighborhood as a capable and successful jack of all trades . I watched as he took the phone into his hand looked at me , and then spoke in a soft controlled voice with his heavy Italian accent , a sound that I can still hear to this very day . " Mr . Mayor , so nice to hear from you again sir . " Yes , sir I do remember that I told you to call me if you needed my help . Yes sir I am always willing to help . Hmm I see , yes sir , I can be there in a few minutes . Yes sir I will do my best , I know my city is counting on me . I 'm on my way sir , you 're welcome , goodbye sir . " I gathered up the usual tools that Paul used in these situations . His trusty measuring tape , an assortment of wrenches and screwdrivers and of course Paul 's favorite tool of all , " The Goesinta " . It 's actually only a hammer but Paul used to say that if something needed a little help , hit it hard with the hammer . The hammer makes " this goes into that " . The Goesinta " I threw the bag over my shoulder and raced outside to the street where we kept our vehicle . As I climbed the steps from the alleyway to the street , I remembered all the times I used to play in this alleyway with Paul 's children . We all grew up together in this apartment building and spent most of every waking moment with each other . Paul was the superintendent , my family and I lived on the 3rd floor . Our apartment building had so many other families and we all got along , it was a great place to be a kid . As I reached the top of the stairs I could see the wheels of The Rambler . With its majestic sleek lines and the curves of its strong and reliable body . Its gray color came into view and as I made my way around the front of the car I reached out and touched the chrome emblem on its hood . It was our good luck charm and I rubbed that emblem every time we went out on a call . I opened the door and hopped inside while I watched Paul gracefully leap up the alleyway steps and as usual he slid across the front hood , landed perfectly and jumped inside the car . He looked at me and smiled as he turned the key in the ignition we felt the old engine come to life . Paul had spent countless hours working under the hood of this car . He practically rebuilt the entire car himself . I helped of course , he always taught me how to tune the engine , replace brake pads and anything else that we could do ourselves . His feeling was that why we would have someone else do what we were capable of doing . I believed that fully and still pass that on to my own children . I hope they 'll be as self sufficient as he taught me to be . Paul looked at me and said , " Stephen buckle in , we have to get to an apartment building on Seaman Ave , right away . There 's a water main leak and The Mayor is afraid that if we don 't get the leak under control the entire city could flood , it 's up to us . " Paul threw The Rambler into first gear and as I listened to the screeching tires and smelt the burning rubber of the white walls . I was again reminded of how very lucky I was to have this man in my life . I watched out the window of the Rambler at the passing cars and street signs . All the other kids in the neighborhood saw me and I know deep down they all wished it was them sitting in my seat . All of them knew of the man called The Super . They knew of his heroic escapades . He was the talk of all the other superintendents in the city . He did it all , and when they needed help , they always called him . " There 's the building , " he said pointing to an apartment building down the block . I didn 't have to know the number of the building ; it was clear that we had arrived at the right one . There were crowds of people standing around in the street while the tenants were streaming out of the building soaking wet and terrified . A policeman moved away a barricade when he saw that it was Paul in his trademark Rambler automobile . " Okay hurry now , it looks like we don 't have much time . If we don 't fix this leak soon , you and I both will be out of a job . And , our neighborhood will be called Swimwood not Inwood . " He patted me on the back and off I went to the basement . I caught a glimpse of him as he ran into the front door of the building , he showed no fear , only determination to get the job done . I was in the basement and in position near the boiler room when I heard a huge roar coming down the dumbwaiter shaft . " It must be the water overflowing " . I went to the alleyway and looked up towards the second floor . There was Paul pushing with all his strength against a steel door on the second floor landing . I could see him holding the door with one hand while reaching over with the other to slide a thick metal bar to keep the door closed . I turned just in time to see a wall of water rushing towards me . The water from the dumbwaiter was my last thought as I was swept into the alleyway . Smashing me into metal garbage cans , the water was rising now and as it did I took me with it . I was getting tangled up in the clothes lines that hung there . Paul saw this and yelled for me to hang on . I was trying to but the water was stronger . One of the clotheslines was hanging loose and I kept trying to grab it as it fished like a snake in the rushing water . I almost had a few times and I felt myself getting weaker and going under . GO LUCY , why would Paul be yelling that ? Then it came clearer to me . I pushed myself out of the waters pull one last time . I could see Paul in a window , he was pointing to something in the water . Something that was coming directly towards me . It was Lucky , the DiNioa 's black dog . Lucky was swimming towards me with the clothesline in her teeth . I reached out and took the line . Wrapping it around my hand and with Lucky safely in my other arm , Paul pulled us both to the window where he stood . We all ran towards the basement where I had left Paul 's tool bag . There it was right where I left it , thank god . Paul grabbed the bag and we all sprinted towards the boiler room . When we got there he pointed up at a massive steering wheel looking thing . " That 's the main for the water pressure . We need to get there and shut that down , " he said as the water was starting to puddle up around my already soaking wet Pro Keds . " When I get to the top , you need to throw me the tool bag , it 's too much for me to climb and carry the bag . " I took the canvas tool bag in both hands . Swinging it thru my open legs I gathered enough momentum and heaved it in the air towards Paul . The bag sailed higher and higher . Paul reached out one hand and with his very fingertips he touched the wet canvas handle of the tool bag . Just then the water exploded into the air and Paul was thrown from where he was . Lucky and I stood there unable to do anything , I was sure that he had been knocked off the top of the boiler ; I listened for the sound of his body landing near us . Squinting thru tear and water soaked eyes ; I painfully looked up at the spot where I last saw him . With his trademark smile always warm , bright and reassuring , he winked at Lucky and I as he swang the Goesinta at the rusty steel wheel . I could see the bulging muscles of his bicep . His arm swung at the steel like he was playing a musical instrument . Slowly at first then with increasing speed the wheel started to turn . The water was slowing down , till finally with one last might swing of the Goesinta the last drop of water fell . I picked up the wet tool bag as he came over and ruffled my wet hair . Lucky did a gigantic dog shake and almost knocked herself off her own feet . Paul and I both laughed as we walked out of the basement and into the bright sunshine . I was becoming too comfortable with this lifestyle . My friends and family endured me because deep down there had to be a " good - guy " in there somewhere . I had seen and been part of more than life 's fair share of death and near death . Karma was winning . I had to make a change . I had to save myself . There was a place that I heard of where men like me could go to , a place that would never judge or discriminate against those who sought its embrace . I 'm sure that the local authorities would endorse my application into this organization . I was at a dead - end in my life and I felt it was going nowhere fast . So I did what all good blue blooded males do at this point in their lives . I signed up to do three years in the Marine Corp . I wanted to do something totally different , something I had never done before . This was certainly different . After all the paperwork and legal shit was done . I had gotten into a fight and got arrested and the judge wanted to send me away . Luckily the Gunny who recruited me , bailed me out of that jail in Long Island by telling the judge I was entering the military . I was told to report to the USMC recruiting station at 181st and Broadway on the 3rd of September . The night or two or three before the 3rd of September , I was out partying with as many good friends I could possibly find . We drank and smoked everything we could possibly smoke and drink in three days time . I was so hammered when the morning came for me to report to the recruiting station . I couldn 't walk on my own so like good buddies they were and not wanting me to miss my appointment . They literally carried me and dropped me off at the front door of the recruiter 's office . I actually awoke inside the doorstep of the recruiter 's office . For some ungodly reason he hands " ME " this large briefcase type luggage looking thing with all the personnel and medical records for all us recruits . He declared that " I " should be this responsible person . He must have regretted that decision once he handed me that records . Because then I choose as my assistant record keeper , this crazy looking dude with a Mohawk haircut . It takes us about an hour or so on the bus to get to Ft Hamilton and then another 10 hours of physicals , stress tests and assorted other useless examinations . From the base we take another bus shuttle to JFK airport . We check in at the ticket line . The airline proceeds to tell us that we have a good 7 or 8 hours to wait until our flight takes off . Dig this ; because I was the " leader " , I felt it was my duty to take care of us in the best way I knew how . I rounded everyone up and said , " Now some of us have money in our pockets and some of us don 't have any money at all . And since we 're going to boot camp for three months none of us will need any money . " I collect every dime from the whole group we actually ended up with a few hundred dollars . Then me and Mohawk Hair Dude take a yellow cab into downtown Queens and buy 25 cases of beer , ice , smokes and munchies . We then take another cab back to JFK , gather our fellow recruits and we all march across to the other side of the airport till we get to what was then known as the Flying Tigers airplane cargo hanger ( now it 's the FedEx terminal ) . We then spent the next 6 hours drinking , and getting to know each other . What a fucking blast . Most of these kids never had a drink in their life , it was awesome . By the time we went back to the main terminal and the gate to board our plane we were so freaking drunk that the 4 girls with us were actually placed into wheelchairs . As for the rest of us , we were farting , burping and making all sorts of other humorous bodily noises . We finally get seated and the plane takes off , and of course , we continue to buy drinks and food . We get thru the majority of the flight without any major problems , other than vomiting and a few fights with some of the other passengers . We safely land in South Carolina . Of course , we have another hour or so to wait for a second and much shorter flight to a smaller local airport closer to our final destination Parris Island South Carolina . So of course we slam back a few more beers and buy some more booze . Everyone is doing their very best to smoke all their cigarettes and do any other illegal substances that they had on them before we get to the base . Finally we boarded the last flight and everyone appeared to be mentally preparing themselves for what lies ahead . The flight takes less than 30 minutes and while we are descending into the airport , the pilot makes an announcement over the intercom . He is telling everyone that they have some special passengers on board . The pilot politely asks the other passengers if they would allow us future US Marines to exit first . We will be exiting thru a separate door in the rear of the aircraft . Even though we are all shitfaced drunk we 're thinking , " That 's right we 're Marines , make way you bunch of ordinary civilians . " That attitude does not last long though . The plane lands and taxis to the gate . As we walk toward the rear of the plane to this little exit door that is now open . I can hear screaming and yelling , more barking than yelling . It wasn 't until I got to the exit door myself that I saw what the all the yelling and barking was all about . Standing at the bottom of the steps , was quite possibly the biggest , meanest looking person I have ever seen in my entire life , ( including in the movies ) . He was massive . And he was pissed off for some reason . He was screaming , " Get down here you bunch of low life @ % $ % , and you * ) & % # $ . He was yelling at the top of his lungs , which I am pretty sure were massive as well . As the " drunks " , ( that 's us ) , made our way to the bottom of the stairs this massive dude was literally tossing people to one side of the room . I was able to run past him with the Mohawk hair guy into the bathroom to take a piss and snort the last of his cocaine . All of the sudden the frigging bathroom door comes flying open . The door practically comes off its hinges . And here comes SGT Rock Massive still screaming and yelling as he comes right at us . He sees that we 're doing drugs and takes a swing at me about head high . I duck and he hits the metal partition between the urinals we are standing at . The freaking thing breaks off the wall . I 'm laughing and pissing on myself as I run out of the tiny now " door - less " bathroom and into the madness that is the room filled with all my other drunk recruit buddies . Everyone is scrambling to find a corner to run to or stand in , just get away from these psychos . The Smokey hat wearing screaming , barking bellowing , yelling , vein neck bulging Marines are running behind people . Screaming at them , ordering us to stand in these little yellow footprints painted on the floor . I 'm standing straight as I can like everyone else . On my left is this little room with a small window , like one of those windows they have in the police station interrogation rooms . ( Not that I know of such rooms personally , or do I ? ) Through the small window , I can see SGT Rock Massive and this other huge guy in a hat . The two of them are waiving their hands , hats , and everything else all about like madmen . They 're also holding this black plastic garbage bag . Oh yeah , I forgot to mention something . Remember that briefcase luggage looking thing that the Gunny gave us with the records in it ? Well while we were at the airport drinking all that beer . I used that briefcase thing as a cooler for some of the beer . So naturally I used a garbage bag to hold the records . I was now guessing that all the records in that garbage bag got all shuffled and mixed up . The two giant mean screaming Sgt Massive come out of the little room and with one look . Everything and everyone stopped , no more screaming and yelling , just silence . I swear that second lasted an hour , but it didn 't . All of the sudden SGT Rock Massive starts screaming , Well , everyone looks at me and starts laughing , me included , but not for long . Before I knew it , I had one SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine standing in front of me screaming . Another SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine at the right side of my face . I had one other SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine at the left side of my face . And I had yet another SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine at the back of my neck , and YES there was actually one more SGT Massive Mean Screaming Hat Shaking Marine standing on top of a chair yelling at the top of my head , at the top of my head ! They are so close to me that every now and then one of them would knock his own hat off when its brim would hit me . You would think they could yell without their hats , right ? Apparently not , they need the hats to yell , I 'm not kidding . I don 't ever remember seeing a drill instructor yell without his hat . Well because of this still infamous act , I became the most taunted recruit throughout my entire experience at boot camp . Everyone knew about O ' Brien and the medical records fiasco . Every time there was a punishment handed out , our entire platoon had to scream , " Thank you private O ' Brien . " I survived boot camp and the rest of the shit that karma delivered to me . The moments and opportunities in my life that I thought had meaning and merit didn 't have either . The things in my life that I squandered and wasted would have been gladly received by someone else in this world . I had so much given to me and I gave it all away . There was this dream I had last night . One of many dreams last night in fact . In some of my dreams I 'm a hero , saving the less heroic . I 'm sure I would be a real hero in real life if I ever called upon . Yet this one dream last night was about " her , " or maybe it was really about " me . " Maybe me and her , oh hell , the truth is the dream was about MY HEART . MY HEART ; the very interior of MY HEART . I found myself actually inside of my own heart . What a sensation it was to know that I am inside of myself . Not in the typical way . This was different , much different I was inside the very thing that keeps me / us alive . Was this really a dream ? I can feel the vibrating red walls ; I can hear the deafening beating and drumming of MY HEART . As I look in wonder around at this majestic new prison cell I am in , I wonder if I will ever be able to leave , if I will ever awaken and once again be outside of me . Will I want to ? I reach out to touch the delicious looking milky red walls of MY HEART and as I do it shakes and retreats away from me . I don 't understand why is MY HEART pulling away from me ? I reach again and once again MY HEART withdraws from my touch . What have I done , why does MY HEART not want MY touch ? Suddenly I feel the sensation of falling . I 'm falling ! Not just me , everything IN HERE is dropping , falling downward , and spiraling out of control . I can 't hold onto anything because MY HEART continues to elude me as I struggle to grab something . Faster and faster MY HEART sinks , deeper it and I go , but to where ? Part of me wants to wake up and have this dream become nightmare over with . But NO I want to stop this falling ; I want to help MY HEART . My ears are now bombarded with the sound of the red milky walls cracking and splitting open . The sound is horrible ; it 's like a wailing or crying . The sound won 't stop , and as I fall faster towards I don 't know where , the crying is all around . I notice that there is now no beating in MY HEART only the cracking and now a gurgling sound , as if MY HEART was drowning . I feel the rain as it showers down upon me , only it 's not rain , its , its TEARS . MY HEART is crying and gurgling on its / MY tears . Falling , gurgling , and spiraling . I try to scream but no sound comes out of my mouth . I reach up to touch my mouth my lips but there is nothing there . No lips , no opening . I try to look at my hands , but I cannot see . The envelope was a little bigger than normal ; he opened it up as he walked out of the store . As he was shuffling thru the contents a small cassette tape fell to the street . He looked around to see if anyone on the street had noticed , " Good , no one saw anything , " he thought . He looked at the tape and put it , along with the papers back into the envelope . He then tucked it securely under his arm and walked back to his room . Two steps at a time that 's how he liked to do it , it kept him hard and quick and in shape , quite often his line of work demanded that he be athletic and have stamina . He reached the door to his hotel room and took a moment to check and make sure the little piece of string he had wedged into the door hinge was still there , if it wasn 't then that meant his door had been opened while he was away . You always , always had to be careful in his line of work . Good it was still there , he slipped his key into the door opened it quickly and stepped inside his neatly kept room . He always kept things neat , easy to pick up and go quickly if the need arose . You never know when you might have to leave town in a moment 's notice to do an assignment . He dumped out the contents of the envelope ; spread out the papers , photos , the cash and the cassette tape onto his bed . Looking at the cash he smiled and reached down under his bed and pulled out his duffel bag , he put the cash in the inside pocket and zipped it closed . He sat back and looked at the photos of his target ; The Mark was young and pretty , very pretty . Agent Jones was talking on the phone when that rude dude with the black baseball hat walked past him again without as much as a nod hello . The rude dude went to his mailbox , got an envelope and walked outside the post office . Then the " IDIOT " dropped something on the street right outside his store . He was watching this all take place while listening to the caller on his phone telling him about his latest mark . Agent Jones had been in this business a long time and he knew that there was competition out there . He never actually met the competition but he knew that day would soon come . The caller told him to go and get the envelope with the new mission information in it . Agent Jones took the " out for lunch " sign from under the counter and placed it on the door . He went to get his envelope and then he hurried to the back office , closed and locked the door . He sat at his desk and turned the little lamp on and opened his envelope . The envelope had the usual photos of the mark , this one was young and pretty too . The upfront money that he always insisted and a cassette tape . The note inside instructed him to play the tape at the usual time during the mission . He reached under his desk and took out his duffel bag , placed the information in it and left the store , as he closed the door behind him he turned the sign around so it read " closed for the day . " He must have been thinking of the mission and his driving when he pulled out of the garage . He was almost side swiped by some asshole in a red two seat convertible . He double checked to make sure all other idiots were gone and turned out of the parking garage and into the street where he became just another driver to everyone else . Agent Dexter had memorized the photos of the mark , he remembered every line on her face , how she looked when she smiled and even her hair style , all this had become engrained in his memory . He took the photos and burned them in the trash can back in his hotel room . Always always get rid of anything that might incriminate him , he was a smart thinker . He made a right turn on Peachtree Lane and started looking for Cobble Place , he turned his hand over to look at the house number , OH NO , his hand , the sweat , he must have wiped it on his forehead by accident . I 'll pull over , no , no there 's no time , I don 't have time . He started to panic and reached for his duffel bag when his eyes caught his reflection in the rearview mirror . Holy crap , there it was , the house number was still on his forehead , it must have smudged on there when he sped past the cop and he wiped his brow . The birthday party was in full swing when the doorbell rang , Sally and her sister both heard the doorbell at the same time , and they ran as fast as they could to the door . Sally the birthday girl got there first , she was in her favorite dress , and she really did look pretty . She opened the door and looked at the man in the doorway with the makeup and the radio in his hand ; she stepped back a little when she saw the stranger reach into his duffel bag . She watched as he slowly pulled out the cassette tape and inserted it into the little boom box . There was a moment between them when their eyes met , Agent Dexter lived for this moment , the marks never knew what was coming , and it was exhilarating to him . There was a man who made a pilgrimage to Mecca . He traveled over 500 miles from his small village to the holy site . Once he was at this holy place he then spent the required 5 days walking around the shrine in the center of the site . This man not only walked the 5 days but he carried on his back his aged invalid mother for the entire 5 days so she too could pray . After the 5 days had passed the man told another worshiper about his wondrous act of honoring his mother . " I 'm over here Kahn , " called Pearl from across the grand hall . Kahn smiled and turned towards the sound of her voice . It was a sound , that from the first moment he heard it , he knew he would love her forever . " I 'm coming Pearl , I 'm coming , " he called back as he made his way through the throngs of people passing him . She too was weaving in and out of the crowd . She reached her hand through some of them . Kahn reached for her . He took her hand in his . He smiled as he felt her grip , she leaned in and Whispered , " come outside with me . " Like children with a devilish secret they sneaked past everyone and found a secluded spot outside the grand hall . " I just came from the doctor , I have the results Kahn , " she squealed . Kahn looked into Pearl 's eyes . He knew at that very moment their lives would be changed forever . Pearl shrieked , " We 're pregnant Kahn , we 're really really pregnant . Twins Kahn , one little girl and one little boy . " They were holding hands and they started jumping up and down in circles . Suddenly Kahn stopped and said , " Pearl you shouldn 't be jumping like this in your condition . You need to be careful for now on . " Pearl was getting dressed as Kahn came up to her , kissed her tummy and said , " look at my babies . " Pearl smiled as her husband lifted his head and softly kissed her on the lips . " I 'll start breakfast , " he said as he scooted past her and into the kitchen . Pearl came in and satin her chair while Kahn served their meal . He asked Pearl to say their morning prayer . They held hands and bowed their heads as she gently spoke the words . Kahn was in absolute bliss as he listened to both the prayer and the sound of his beautiful wife 's voice . " So far , everything looks normal with your babies . " The doctor started but , I am concerned with that swelling on your throat Pearl . " She had been feeling sore for awhile now . " Let 's set up for some tests over the next few weeks , okay Pearl , I want to stay ahead of any complications , " said the doctor . Later that evening as Kahn slept . Pearl wept silently . She had always wanted to be a mother and now suddenly this mysterious illness might take that away from her and Kahn . " Well Pearl , the doctor started , I 'm afraid the tests are correct . That swelling is affecting your bodies immune system . Based on all the samples we 've taken from your family it appears we do not have a match . We need a compatible match for your anti - bodies . You haven 't much time left . You should consider and early delivery of your son and your daughter . " How long has she got doctor ? , " Kahn asked through his tears . " It could be a few months or a few weeks . I 'm sorry Pearl , unless we find a donor with the right anti - bodies soon well … I 'm sorry really I am . " Pearl spent the next morning sitting alone in the nursery . She was rocking in a chair as she rubbed her swollen belly . " No matter what happens my children . Know this I will always be your mommy . I will always love you , oh and one more thing , take it easy on your daddy , okay ? " Pearl said as a tear rolled down her check , landing on her belly . " Pearl , Kahn , I have the results of the tests we did . It appears that your unborn son has the exact anti - bodies needed to save your life Pearl . Further tests have also revealed that your son is actually sending these anti - bodies into your system . Your daughter is perfectly fine and you Pearl , you are improving considerably . " The young couple embraced each other momentarily relieved . " But , the doctor began ; there is bad news as well . I 'm sorry to say , as your son is saving your life , he is killing himself Pearl . He will most likely not live till birth . I cannot explain how or why . But your unborn son is literally sacrificing his life to save yours . " Create a free website or blog at WordPress . com . SOBNYC - growing up in new york city during the 1960 's , 70 's & 80 's Create a free website or blog at WordPress . com . Send to Email Address |
So I began this fanfiction back in 2008 and , I 'm not going to lie , the writing was pretty bad . This morning , I woke up and just had a huge urge to fix it . I 've been in a writer 's block for roughly three or four years now , and I 've finally overcome it . Therefore , I went back and edited this fanfiction , because I 've always really loved it , and I 'm going to keep working on it . I really hope you enjoy it , guys . And remember , please leave Feedback ! It 's always welcomed ! I was running as fast as my size six feet could take me . My mum had always said I had big feet for such a little girl , but that my long , muscular legs really helped make me look properly balanced . Over the bushes , under the low trees , and right across the lawn ; I raced and raced until I thought I 'd pass out from running . I couldn 't wait to share the great news with my best friends . I recapped what my mum had said to me just a few minutes before . " Sure , Mum , " I called back . We paused the movie , Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban , and hurried into the kitchen to find myself surrounded by my family . There was silence for some time until daddy spoke me and my brother , Joseph . " What is it , Dad ? " replied Joseph , with a bored tone . " I was busy playing with the worms in the backyard . " More like torturing the poor things , I thought . " YAY ! Oh my god , I can 't wait to tell Skye ! " I exclaimed , jumping up and down . My little brother 's face had also lightened up a fair bit . " Yes dear , of course . So do you both agree on moving up here ? Because we will start the moving process immediately , " replied her mother , with a very serious tone . " Good , then it 's settled . We 'll head back to Silvermill and start packing , " mum smiled happily . " As soon as you tell your little friends about it . " And that 's when I had taken off to Skye 's house to tell her . According to my mum , my dad had gotten a better job offer here in Aldrose . In the city we were about to move out of , he was a superintendent at the building we lived in . A man by the name of Mr . Harshop was offering him a position as a farmer , which is what my dad has always dreamed to be . So once we moved , he would start immediately at Mr . Harshop 's farm . Back to the present , I had finally reached Skye 's house and yelled up at her window . " Alright , alright . Keep your ' airnet on . " Skye must have been watching those old movies again , I thought while I paced the pavement in front of her front door . When Skye and Brad finally emerged , they startled me which just added to these crazy emotions even more . " This is bloody well awesome , Laya ! We can play every day , now . Instead of that once a month thing , " exclaimed Brad with a huge grin on his face . " How did it happen ? " And I retold everything that had just happened for the third time that day . " Coming Daddy ! " I replied and hurried over to help him bring in the pillows and blankets and such . A few hours later and they were done unloading and unpacking everything . The old house on the end of the street , near the bridge , was now rightfully theirs . It stood awkwardly among a row of equally as awkward houses ; two one - story houses , a three - story house , a house that looked like a castle , two with balconies that rimmed the entire second floor , and a house that looked as if it was built underground . I was so excited to move up here . My mum and aunt were incredibly close , and we visited the town of Aldrose once a month . Aldrose was so different from the large city , Silvermill , that we used to live in . " Maybe tomorrow , dear . I want to have a few days , at least , for just us in this house , " mum answered in a sweet tone . " How about we go set up your little library in the attic ? " I hurriedly agreed with that idea , so we went upstairs to organize all of our books in the rows of shelves that my dad had built in the attic . There were five separate bookshelves , about six shelves high . They were lined up against one of the walls , and against the other a bunch of boxes were stacked that still needed to be sorted and put into storage . " Oh alright , " I mumbled as I stacked the books on top of the big cedar chest . " Mum , I think we 're about done and I 'm getting kind of hungry . Can I go get a snack and then go to bed ? " " Yes , of course dear , " she sighed . " I 'll just finish up the rest on my own . Goodnight , " she finished as I got down to plant a kiss on the cheek and give her a big hug . " Thanks for helping me , G - G - Goodnight , " I yawned as I half - stumbled down the stairs to the kitchen , only to find my brother still awake . " Joey , you should be in bed . It 's ten o ' clock at night ! " It was a pretty big room for an eleven year old and considerably decorated already since they had just moved in that day . The walls were a nice purple colour , not too bright and not too dark . I had a bunk bed with a futon on the bottom and a regular bed on the top . There was my own little bookshelf of my most prized possessions and favourite books . As well as a big closet that was right behind my door . I loved her room . It was hers , and only hers . So I spent the good deal of about three hours wandering around the attic / library and found nothing very interesting . As I was leaning on one of the bookcases observing the room , the bookcase moved just a touch . I jumped and turned around to look at what happened and gasped . There was a little door , under three feet tall , behind the bookcase . I bent down to slide it open and looked inside to find it pitch black . I took the flashlight off of the table and shone it into the little whole . I couldn 't see much , it mostly just looked like a little tunnel . I sat there for a moment , my eleven - year - old imagination running through all the crazy and awesome things that I could find in there . Eventually , a child 's curiosity took over and I crawled into it on my hands and knees , a big smile on my face . I had only gotten two crawls through when I heard my mum call . I crawled backed out of the tunnel , closed it up and marked where it was by turning one of my books around in the bookcase so that the pages stuck out instead . I wandered back downstairs to help mum clean , but was excused later when aunt Sue arrived to look around the house . I walked down to the basement to see if I could find any other secret doorways or passages . The only one I found had been boarded up on the other end and way too small for her to fit through . Apparently , someone had disliked where it ended up . Maybe into the next house 's basement ? I thought to herself as I climbed back upstairs to the kitchen to eat lunch . Three days after they had moved in , mum allowed me to bring over my friends . She said we were pretty much settled , minus a few boxes here and there , and since my aunt 's " approval " had been given to the cleanliness ( mum rolled her eyes at this ) , we could now have guests over . Before she even finished , I had dashed out the door and down the street to Skye 's house , who by the way was in the three - story house . " In the back ! " I heard , said by a distant voice . I raced around the house to find Skye , Brad and Skye 's sister , Summer , playing in the pool . I hurried up on to the dock just as they climbed out of the water . " Do you guys want to come over ? We 're done unpacking and everything , " I smiled brightly as her friends faces lit up . " Summer can come too if she wants . She can play with Joseph . " " We 'll just dry off , change and head over , " sighed Skye , shaking her head at her sister 's immaturity . They were a year apart , but Skye was ten times more mature . " Come inside . " We walked down the stairs into the basement and began another exploration , this time with six hands to feel around the walls , not just two . We found nothing interesting for the hour that we were there except for the hole that I showed them , so I brought them up to my bedroom and they looked around there . Obviously there was nothing too interesting in there , so I sighed and took them up to the attic . " This place is truly amazing , Laya , " Brad said , looking around at all the books . " I 'll be here almost every day to read . You know you could charge kids just to take out bo - " he stopped as he saw the look on my face . " Yes well , I was hoping to get that reaction . Okay now back to business . I 've found this really cool tunnel behind one of the bookcases . Hmm , now where was it ? " It was a small little door , the same height as the other one I had discovered . When Skye slid it open , it revealed a big long box about the size of two keyboards together , and we all pulled it out onto the floor between us . I first read the note that was sitting across the top . " To whoever may find this , you have made a great discovery . You will have plenty of adventures in this great old house and find other great objects and surprise holes ! But first , the items contained in this box shall help you a great deal . Have fun , my dear . Good luck . " When Brad pushed it open , we couldn 't believe our eyes . There was a small candle , which was pretty much all melted down , with matches and another set of candles in one end . Beside that was a long box , around twelve inches . I pulled it out and opened it to find something pretty incredible . " It 's a wand ! Just like the ones they have in Harry Potter ! " I exclaimed in a loud whisper , pulling it out of its box and showing it to the others . " Laya , look at the bottom ! There 's some writing , " said Brad as Skye examined the wand closely . I looked at the bottom and read aloud to the others . " This box contains a wand that may seem fake to the Muggle eye , but actually it is real . Go ahead , try it out . Do some simple spell that you may know from one of those Harry Potter books which are so famous around the world . " " Oh my god , it 's a real wand ! Let me see it again , " I said , wide - eyed . Skye passed her the wand and she did the first spell which came to her mind . " Wingardium Leviosa ! " I said strongly , pointing it to the candle in the box . To our surprise , it actually levitated ! Just like in the book . " No freaking way ! " whispered Brad furiously . " Look there 's more wand boxes in there , " he pointed out as he and Skye reached into it to get their own wands and tried the same spell . It worked for both of them as well . " Look , there 's a map as well , " Skye whispered . She pulled out this obviously very old piece of paper and unfolded it . Oh my god , I thought , no way ! It was a map almost exactly like the Marauders Map except instead of a map of Hogwarts , it was a map of my house and a little of the surrounding area . " Uh , I don 't know guys , don 't you think this is a little weird ? " He grimaced , staring into the seemingly empty black tunnel . " I mean , there 's a box with wands in it and they work ? It just doesn 't feel right . " My wand lit up a little , almost like it was lit on fire . Brad , still skeptical , tried it out and it worked . He mumbled something unintelligent as Skye lit up her own wand as well . I smiled at both of them and gave Brad an encouraging nudge . I crawled into the whole , with Brad following after and Skye trailing in last . We travelled for quite a bit , it had felt like an hour , and we were getting tired and hungry . Finally I heard some talking coming from a door a few feet away with a little light seeping through the bottom . We sped up but stopped about a foot away so we couldn 't be heard . " You can turn off your lights now . " I said , but when they looked confused I added , " just say ' Nox ' . " We crawled towards the little door and I pushed it open carefully . Once we were all out and kneeling on a hardwood floor , we stood up and brushed ourselves off quickly . We slid the wands into our sleeve to hide them . We looked up and gasped in unison . We were standing in what seemed to be the Leaky Cauldron , right out of the Harry Potter books ! " No way ! " I whispered to the others as we walked out into the open . " It 's the Leaky Cauldron . Look , there 's Tom behind the bar and oh wow , there 's Hagrid ! Let 's go ask him to help us . " Brad was terrified , but he followed us anyway . We maneuvered carefully through the crowd of people in the Leaky Cauldron . I scanned the faces for more familiar ones but none stood out to me . When we reached Hagrid , I stared at him in wonder . It was so strange that he was so similar to the book . He was incredibly large , with the same shaggy brown hair and bear , in the same scruffy appearance . He loomed over the bar , sipping on some drink . ' " Maybe , what do yeh need ' elp with ? " he asked back , turning away from the bar and looking down . " Why , yer just youngin 's , you are . Come outside , yeh shouldn 't be in ' ere . Not safe . " He got up and left some silver coins on the bar . He motioned for us to follow him , and we did quite closely . A lot of the inhabitants of the Leaky Cauldron were staring at us , a few of them almost hungrily . A woman reached out to touch Brad 's shoulder and I swear he jumped three feet into the air . He scurried right behind Hagrid , almost touching his heels . " Oh , I see yeh 've been listening to tha Muggle story called ' Arry Potter ? " They all nodded . " Well , listen ' ere , that stuff is all made up , see . None of tha ' ever happened here . Harry Potter is still only eleven years ol ' , just like yerselves . His parents defeated You - Know - Who ' cause the Order of the Phoenix helped just in tha nick of time . Don 't believe everythin ' you read . " He shook a giant finger at them . " Ah , I see . Well let 's just get along to Dumbledore 's house and maybe he can explain all this better than I can . " And he walked back into the Leaky Cauldron . We all looked at each other and hurried in after him . " Oh , do we have to ? Won 't it get me dirty ? " asked Skye . Hagrid just laughed and walked up stairs while Skye pouted and followed with the others . Hagrid stared at Brad for a second , a faint smile hidden behind his scruffy beard . " You lot sure know a bit about our world . Yes , of course . It 's Dumbledore 's house , it 's got to be protected . " He picked up a little bag with green powder and held it out to them . " Who 's going first ? " " Just say ' Dumbledore 's House ' nice and clear , and it 'll know where to go , " Hagrid said . I pronounced loud and clear , ' Dumbledore 's House ' , and dropped the powder . I tucked in her elbows and closed my eyes getting ready for all the soot . Then felt a weird spinning sensation . Just like in the book , I thought . Within thirty seconds , my feet hit solid ground , followed by my hands and knees smashing after them . Soot whirled up and I coughed like crazy . ' S - Sorry sir , for intruding . B - but my name is Laya Melrosen and Hagrid has sent m - me , ' I stumbled , brushing myself off . Then all the dust cleared and I could see the famous figure of Albus Dumbledore . My eyes widened . He looked so similar to the Dumbledore from the books . His eyes twinkled , his beard was just as white , and his smile was just as warm . " He 's sent all of you ? " he asked , while sitting at his desk in his famous position - fingertips touching and leaning against his mouth . I turned around and saw the others coughing and spluttering behind her while they dusted themselves off . " Yes , P - Professor Dumbledore , sir . He 's sent all three of us . I 'm sure he 'll be along in a minute , " she replied , just as they all heard a loud pop , making the children jump and look around quickly for the noise make . Dumbledore just smiled larger . ' Yes , Professor Dumbledore , sir . You should ' ear their story ! They came upta me in the Leaky Cauldron , they did . Asked me if I could ' elp ' em and I thought maybe you could ' elp ' em more than I can . " He then told Albus Dumbledore our whole story . After he had heard it all , Dumbledore was silent for some time . A few minutes passed and he finally spoke . " Well , obviously we do have some Muggleborns here and they will need to go to Hogwarts , but first I ought to go have a chat with all of their parents so they know what 's going on . I 'm sure they 're quite worried , you know . Could you give me your full names ? " " Oh , it might twinge a bit , Mr . Smith , but I assure you it won 't hurt . " We scrambled around him and said goodbye to Hagrid . Within a second we had poofed out of the room , leaving Hagrid with a satisfied smile on his face . " Have you forgotten you 're a wizard already , Mr . Smith ? " Dumbledore chuckled , shaking his head at the hopping Skye , cringing Brad and I . I moved to the spot beside the door where the switch was and flicked it on . Everyone 's faces were lit in the darkness and Brad was still cringing because of the smack on his arm Skye had given him after he landed on her foot . Dumbledore smiled at her , and walked briskly to the stairs . " Wait ! Professor Dumbledore , sir , I think I should go down and make sure my aunt isn 't there . If she finds out it 'll be all over town in seconds , " I smiled apologetically . " Okay , I know this will sound pretty unbelievable , but you should know right now that I do have proof of it and I will show you if it comes to it . I need your complete attention , Dad , " she added as her father looked back at the television set . His head snapped back and he smiled . " Well , you see … I 'm a witch , " I started . Her parents looked at each other and burst out laughing . I grimaced and glanced up the stairs to the shadows of Dumbledore , Skye and Brad 's face . After they had calmed down and my face when from crimson to pink , mum spoke up while still giggling . " Yes there is , Mum . You even said so yourself before . There are White Witches , you said that Nana knew one , " she whined . " I have proof . " " Really ? That 's so cool . You knew almost my whole generation ! " I exclaimed as Skye and Brad slowly came down the stairs . Her mother turned white again . " Oh no ! Please tell me you haven 't heard the conversation we were just having ? " she asked . The three of us , and Dumbledore himself , chuckled as I filled my parents in on the experience of finding the pathway into the Leaky Cauldron and seeing Hagrid . At this point her mother asked , " Is he really big like they described in the books ? " to which I answered , ' Yes Mum , very big . " Then I talked about meeting Dumbledore and finally coming back here . " Well , you have had quite an adventure , Laya . I do hope we can get down to - how do you say it ? - business ? " mused Dumbledore . " Hm , alright then . Well as you may now see Mr . and Mrs . Melrosen , you 're daughter and her two friends are quite magical . Laya and her friends will certainly attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry . " He now turned to the children . " I have here three letters which will tell you all the information about Hogwarts and where to get your supplies and such . Have fun and don 't forget to not use magic unless in need and do not show your Muggle neighbours either . " " Yes , sir , " we replied in unison while we opened our letters as carefully as possible so as not to rip the front of the wonderful old parchment with emerald green writing . I ran over to her parents ' sides so they could all read it . This is what it said : " Oh yes , of course you wouldn 't know , my apologies . A Supreme Mugwump is the head of the International Confederations of Wizards . I think Muggles call it a politician ? ' he added . " Dad , you should 've read the Harry Potter books . You have to go to Gringotts which is located in Diagon Alley . To get to Diagon Alley you have to go through the Leaky Cauldron which only wizards and witches can see . Once you get to Gringotts , you have to change the British money into Sickles , Knuts , and Galleons , " I explained to the dumbfounded face of my dad . " Well it does , actually , " replied Brad sitting up straighter from his slouching position on the couch . " Hagrid showed Harry in the first book . You have to do certain taps on the brick wall out back of the pub . If I watched my movie of the first book I could most likely get the combination correct . " " I see , but there is a much easier way , " he replied . " Just take the Floo , of course . Yes it may make you a bit dirty and may give you the coughs but it is much quicker . " " Hm , yes , pronunciation may be tricky but anyone who is scared of taking the Floo can stay behind and apparate with me , " said Dumbledore showing them a little bag . " But first we must visit the other houses of Mr . Smith and Miss . Edwards . Laya may stay if she wants or she could come . That is up to her parents , " he added with his sparkling eyes and smile . " Albus , you must go now . If she sees you things could get sticky . My sister has such a big mouth , you know . Sorry for kicking you out so quickly , " she added in a low whisper . " Oh it 's quite alright . I 'll just apparate upstairs to your attic with the children , " ' he said and we hurried over to take his arms . A swift turn and we were gone again . We heard the faint voices of my parents and aunt Sue , which were too faint to understand . " Sorry for this , Professor Dumbledore . My aunt is a big blabber mouth and the whole Muggle world would know about the magical world in seconds if she found out . Well at least after she woke up from her faint , " she added with a whisper while the others laughed . " That 's fine , my dear . I think I should be off to Brad 's and Skye 's - " he started but stopped quite suddenly as the door opened . It was my parents . ' Oh , thank goodness . I thought it was all three of you . Where has your sister gone , Mrs . Melrosen ? " Diagon Alley was , well , an alley . It was a long road with tons of stores on each side of the street . To name some of the stores , there was an Apothecary for potion ingredients , a Cauldron shop for cauldrons of course , the Daily Prophet offices , Flourish & Blotts for books , and Madam Malkin 's for robes of all sorts . But the ones which interested me the most were Ollivander 's for wands , Eeylops Owl Emporium for all owls , Florean Fortescue 's Ice Cream Parlour , and the most interesting one of all , Quality Quidditch Supplies . I was so excited about the fact that all of this was real . Quidditch was actually a sport that I could play , adding to the list of all the other Muggle sports that I love . I was desperate to hop on a broom and get started , but of course we had to go shopping first . We headed off to Gringotts bank to do a money change . My parents had dipped into the college savings they had for me in order to pay for all of the supplies I would need . Joseph was tagging along , although he looked quite bored and annoyed . When we had told him that I was a witch he just laughed and noted that he always thought I had been adopted . After meeting the terrifying Goblins of Gringotts and getting our wizarding world money , we travelled from shop to shop , crossing off items from the list in my letter to Hogwarts . We got my robes , my books , cauldrons , all of that school stuff that was necessary . My family decided to also get an owl , so that we could send letters to and from Hogwarts . We ended up with a white and gray barn owl , who had immediately taken a liking to Joseph , who actually really liked the bird . " Can we call him Dude ? " he asked , scratching the head of the pretty owl . " Are you crazy ? That sounds ridiculous . We should name him bandit because of the gray across his eyes , " I exclaimed . " This wand right here is quite magnificent . An obviously very powerful wizard or witch have planted these in your attic . Do you think you could talk to the previous owners and see if it was them ? Don 't ask them full out if their wizards or something of the sort , because they could be Muggles , but write them a letter saying you 'd like to have tea with them . Be careful to make sure that they are definitely wizards before you reveal your wand , my dear , " he said , in a kind of quiet yet stern voice . " Mr . O - Ollivander , sir . I was wondering if you could tell us what type of wand it is ? As in the core and such ? " My mum asked a little timidly . " Well , dear , it seems that even Muggles find things out in ways even the greatest wizards can 't . This wand is 11 ½ " long , the type of wood is Maple and Walnut , and the core is a Demiguise Hair . The core makes your wand perfect for Transfiguration . I , of course , do not sell or make wands with that core but I don 't think any wand maker I know does . I guess when you talk to the previous owners of your house you should find out where the wand has come from , " he replied still examining the wand . " Well , yes they have . You know them , do you ? Well they did have the same exact wand except for the cores . Skye 's was a Hippogriff Talon - " he started . " Ah , yes , yes . Of course . . I should have known , " he said faintly as he walked to the back of his store and came back with a long thing box that looked like the one I had gotten her wand from . " Well , Ms . Melrosen , I am pleased to inform you that I have a wand for you if you 'd like to try , " he said as he opened the box and a wand with a leather handle was sitting in it . I picked up the wand while handing my mum other and held in the air in front of her . " I feel a kind of tingling feeling . A bit tingly , actually , " I replied and did the ' ' swish and flick motion that I had read about in the books . I didn 't have to say anything all of a sudden the box which was just holding the wand started to hover in front of my eyes . Skye 's family was quite a big one and very close but ever since Dumbledore had come to her house and explained everything , they 've drifted apart . Her younger and older sister refuse to talk to her because she can do magic and they can 't . Kind of like Petunia with Lily , thought Skye as she walked down Diagon Alley with her parents to Gringotts . She wondered what else would be guarding the vaults throughout Gringotts . Then she remembered the dragons and smiled . Her parents showed a goblin the letter that Dumbledore had given them . It told the goblins that Skye 's parents were Muggles and didn 't really understand the magical world yet . The main goblin which they were talking to , snickered at their reactions to all the other goblins at their stations . Skye laughed with him and the goblin seemed a bit surprised at her reaction but continued on with changing their money into wizarding world money . When they exited Gringotts , Skye 's parents were practically mesmerized with the big gold and silver coins . They walked around and checked off everything they needed on the list . Lastly , they went into Ollivanders to ask about the wand . As they approached the old looking store where all wizards in England get their wands , a familiar friend walked out of the store with his father . " Hey Skye ! I just got my new wand because Ollivander said mine wasn 't perfect for me but this one is ! " he said as he held up his new wand proudly . " Guess what the core is ? " " Shush , Dad . It 's a Leprechaun Hair , " he beamed . " It 's perfect for me because I 'm Irish and Ollivander said it can get temperamental for people who aren 't Irish . " " Wow , that 's so cool . I hope mine is like that , but obviously not a Leprechaun Hair , " she laughed . " I hope it has something to do with a magical creature as well . Maybe a Hippogriff . " When my parents and I got home from our trip to Diagon Alley , I went straight up to my room with all the things we had bought today so I could sort them into the wonderful trunk my parents had found in our storage . The first thing I thought I should pack was my robes on one side of the trunk with a few Muggle clothing as well , for lounging around at the castle . I decided not to pack my books yet because I wanted to read them all . Hopefully I can do it before the school year starts , I thought to myself . A few minutes later I was walking down the front hall towards my kitchen . Mmm , the smell of spaghetti wafted towards me as I entered our kitchen . My mum 's spaghetti was my absolute favourite , and I guess she made it because of the crazy week we 've had . " Your mother is right , Laya . It might look the same or it might not . Guess you 'll find out on the first of September , " he said , as he dug into the pot and filled his plate . " I don 't think I can wait that long ! " I mumbled between mouthfulls . " Maybe Joseph is a wizard too ? " This made him sit up straighter . " Well you could be , it 's all a matter of time . We 'll have to wait a year until you 're eleven . Also , have to talked to the previous owners of the house yet , mum ? " After we finished eating , my family went into the living room to watch some television while I went upstairs to start my reading . I never really watched TV unless soccer was on . Oh , and Saturday morning cartoons of course . I crawled into my bed , surrounded by the books and did a simple " eenie - meenie - minie - moe " to determine which one I should delve into first . The next morning I woke up with the sun rise , at 6 : 34am . I just felt like I needed to be awake . After I washed up , I walked downstairs to see if anyone else was up . Halfway down the stairs , I heard a bang from the kitchen . I went down the stairs as quietly as I could to see who or what was down there . As I approached the open door of my kitchen I suddenly thought to myself that I must be just freaking myself out . It 's probably just my parents or brother . Boy , was I wrong . The minute I entered the kitchen , I pointed my wand towards the shadowed figure sitting at my kitchen table . The person at the table jumped up and held a stick out . Another wand ? I thought . I reached towards the light switch and the second I flicked it up I yelled ' Stupefy ! ' A red light shot out from the tip of my wand and the other person in my kitchen dropped to the ground . I hurried over and stared down at the man . " What 's going on ? " I heard from the door . When I got up I saw my dad standing at the doorway with my mum right behind him . I pointed to the ground in front of me . " Why did you hit me with a stunning spell ? Better yet , how did you know the stunning spell and the reviving spell as well ? Why do you have a wand ? ! " he demanded . " Well , I 'm a witch , ' I replied . " And I hit you with the stunning spell because you scared me and I had no idea who you were . Better than throwing a knife at you or something , I think . ' " Ah , yes . I should probably explain that , " he smiled . " Like your daughter said , I am the previous owner of this house . My name is William Bellbush . I 'm actually a professor at Hogwarts , I teach Defense Against the Dark Arts . " " Ah , yes I do . Dumbledore filled me in on everything that 's happened . What an interesting way to find out you 're a witch , hm ? Basically , the only way anyone would find the hiding spots in this house is if they have magical blood in them . You 're the first one in twenty years to have found it . " My father put that chest there , and he only told me about it after they had moved out and I had gotten then house . It was used as a sort of safe house for members of the Order of the Phoenix during the Dark Times . I had hunted around the house for all of these little hiding places and could only two of them . I assume the third one , the one you found , was charmed for only a Muggleborn to find . " " Well , the Dark Times were just that , dark . Muggleborns were being murdered and tormented for " stealing magic . The Leaky Cauldron , which is where that tunnel led you , was another safe haven for the Order . The other two tunnels led to other safe havens . This house was used to put the Muggleborns into hiding . " " Well , after the defeat of Voldemort , we moved out of this house and into one in the Wizarding world . It had originally just been the tunnels , but my father placed the box in there once we had moved out . He figured if another Muggleborn stumbled upon this place , the contents of the box would be of use to them . I guess it has done its job , " he added with a smile . " Now , I have a question for you . Do you think you could show me the other passage in your attic ? The one you used as a hiding place . " Wow , this is like an actual library , " William said as he walked around looking at my bookshelves . He stopped at one and noticed something I had completely forgotten about . ' How come this book is the wrong way ? ' he asked , pointing to the thick book I had purposely put on the shelf wrongly and walked over to join him . " Watch , " was all I said as I shuffled him a little away from the bookshelf . I got between that one and the one beside it and pushed the bookcase lightly and stepped back to watch William 's face again turn into complete surprise . At first he was silent , as if thinking about what to say but he finally started talking . " No , I haven 't . I didn 't think it went anywhere so I just used it as a hiding place . " I said as he squatted next to me to have a look . He got on his hands and knees with his wand out and started crawling through the whole in the wall . I followed him as soon as I couldn 't see his feet . Lighting my wand I followed him for what seemed like ages until he stopped abruptly and I almost hit my head on his butt . " Hang on a second , " he replied . It went semi dark and then he muttered " Alohomora " to the thing which I figure was a door and started crawling again . At first I didn 't follow him but when I saw him slide his body out of the whole and stand up to brush himself off I hurried forward . As I was brushing myself off I heard a third voice which I did not recognize . " Nice to see you , Mr . Bellbush and Ms . Melrosen . " Immediately I looked up and pointed my wand at whatever was speaking to find the face of Professor McGonagall looking down at me . I blushed and put my wand away , whispering " Nox " to put out the light . After we had fully explained ourselves and had a nice cup of tea offered by a house elf that looked strangely familiar , I gasped . " She was a witch of course , and a great friend of the members of the Order . I was much younger , but I do still remember her . She was such a sweet woman , it pained her to hide the truth from her family . " " Well , I 'm sure you know what a squib is , right ? " I nodded . " Margaret was a squib . She was visiting Albus because he was helping her hide her secret . " " Well , eventually her family found out and they banished her . So , she moved to France and married a Muggle man , Logan Aristole . But you two should be getting back . Your parents , Ms . Melrosen , will surely be wondering where you went off to . " James and I nodded in agreement . I sat down cross legged and pushed open the slat where the trunk was . I pulled out the trunk and William sat down beside me to help open it . His eyes opened wide for the third or fourth time that morning and he reached out for the letter which was lying on top . I saw in his eyes a lot of emotion as he skimmed the letter and put it down beside him to look at the things inside . The first thing he took out was the map which I had forgotten inside the trunk and looked it over . " You can take it with you . You know , to your new home . That 's only if you want , of course , " I said , whispering kind of nervously . At first William just kept looking at the trunk , running his hand along the edge as if remembering something from his past . When I said his name a little louder , his head snapped towards me and he smiled apologetically . " Sorry , it was like I was in a trance or something , " he laughed . " Yes , I think I will take it please , " James finished as he started to put things away . I was about to help him when I heard a rapping noise on the window and jumped up very startled . It was an owl . " William , do you recognize that owl ? " He seemed to have fallen into that trance again and I had to nudge him with my foot . " William ! " " Do you recognize that owl ? " I repeated , pointing at the window . He turned around and saw it and smiled . He walked over to the window to let the little owl in . It was a little tiny , brown owl . Once I had gotten closer , I noticed it was not alone . The other owl , a barn owl , was also carrying a letter attached to its foot . I reached my finger up and it hopped down onto it and held out its leg . James was already reading the other letter , trying to conceal a big grin . I took the letter off of the owl on my finger and opened the scroll up while the owl hopped onto my shoulder . Wincing a little , I read the letter . This is what it said in neat , delicate writing : You should be receiving this while William is there and he will also be receiving a letter which he should show you after you have read this one . Well , I am sure you see the white speckled owl that has arrived with your letter . This owl is now yours . She is named Specks but it is your wish to name her anything you want , since she is now yours . Your school year is beginning quite soon and it would help if you had a tour of Hogwarts before - hand . I know I do not usually do this with new students but because great - grandmother was such a close friend of mine , I thought it could be a good exception . You may bring along Skye and Brad , but I would advise you to use the Muggle way of contacting them as I am sure their parents are not used to stray owls coming to their homes with letters . When you are ready , just contact me back with this owl and a letter saying ' Yes ' or ' No ' . Your parents and younger brother should surely come as well . Have a wonderful day , Laya , and don 't forget to write back . " Wow ! I get an owl and a tour of Hogwarts . " I said loudly , startling the owls a bit . William laughed at my reaction and summarized his letter for me . " Yep . I used it with Hagrid to get to Dumbledore 's house on the day this all started , " I replied , trying to snatch my owl out of the air . Finally I gave up and she came and landed on my shoulder . " What 's so funny , you two ? " I heard my mother ask from the living room . When we walked in , she looked at my shoulder , than James , than mine again . " Why do you have owls on your shoulders ? " James went first . " He offered me a tour of Hogwarts . I 'm supposed to bring my family , Skye , and Brad . As long as it 's ok with you guys , " I finished looking up to her with big , round eyes , begging silently . She thought it over for a minute and replied . " Thank you ! " I exclaimed as I let go of her . " I 'm going to call Skye and Brad and see if they can come too . " I ran off towards the kitchen to use the phone and give my best friends the good news . " They can 't come , " I said gloomily as I walked into the room . Immediately , Alba , as if sensing I was upset , flew over and landed on my shoulder and stared pecking playfully at my ear . I laughed and told her to stop . She hooted happily , pleased with herself , and flew off to sit on top of the television set . I received your letter and the owl , thank you so much for both ! I decided to name the owl Alba , she seems to like it . Also , I would love to have a tour of Hogwarts , but Skye and Brad can 't make it . " Alba ! " I called to the owl holding up my hand and she landed on my forearm , which hurt a bit because of her talons . I tied the parchment to her little foot and told her where to go . " Take this to Dumbledore , please . " She pecked me affectionately on my finger and flew out my open window . " So when can we go ? ! " I asked , rather impatiently . He laughed and pulled something out of his pocket which looked kind of like a galleon , and strangely familiar . " This is charmed so when Dumbledore says a word or sentence , the letters on the side will change and it will heat up so I feel it . " I knew exactly where I 've seen it before . Dumbledore 's Army ! From the books ! Of course , there was actually no such thing so I didn 't say anything , just smiled . " Laya , " my mother spoke up as William sat back on the couch . " Why don 't you go get changed ? " I just noticed that I was still in my pajamas and ran up the stairs to get changed , my face burning scarlet . A few hours later , the coin started to heat up and William smiled . This meant it was time to go , and I was getting more and more excited . Even Joseph seemed a little excited . We gathered in front of the fireplace in my living room , waiting for my mum to come back downstairs . " Mum , hurry up , we have to go ! " I called as I hurried into the living room to find William trying to show my dad how to use the Floo . He smiled and waited as my mother hurried in the room and over to us . I hurried to William 's side and took a handful of Floo powder . I stepped into the fire and said confidently , while dropping the powder , ' Hogwarts ! ' The last thing I saw was my father 's scared - to - death face and my mother waving . I tucked in my elbows and closed my eyes then felt myself spinning . I stopped suddenly and felt like I was pushed out of the fireplace . I landed on all fours but hopped up quickly , indulged in a coughing fit . Once the dust and I had calmed down , I saw Dumbledore sitting at his desk with a smile on his face . " Hello , Professor Dumbledore , " I said as I heard two light thuds behind me and turned to see my parents on all fours , coughing . I grinned and rushed to their sides , helping them both up and catching my father muttering , ' Never . . ever . . again , ' through coughs . A few seconds later , Joseph landed , stumbling into my dad . I giggled and turned towards Professor Dumbledore . They all brushed themselves and said hello to my new Headmaster . We then heard a pop and William appeared right behind me , almost falling into me . I smirked then turned back to Professor Dumbledore who was just getting up . " It 's wonderful to see you all again , and to meet you Joseph , " he smiled . " I hope the trip was alright . It was better than I imagined : the moving paintings who were winking and smiling and waving ; the cobblestone floor ; the grand ceilings ; and long winding hall . I was so entranced in what I was looking at that my brother had to nudge me . I jumped . " Can we go now ? " I asked , giggling lightly . Dumbledore laughed and started walking briskly down the hall . I followed and walked beside . I couldn 't stop looking at everything I could . My eyes were whizzing back and forth , up and down . I was so amazed I forgot to breathe until my dad nudged me with a smile . Catching his gaze , I shot him a quick smile and returned my attention to the halls of Hogwarts . I stared longingly at the unnamed doors , not being able to control my excitement as we reached the staircases . As we descended the stairs , my eyes would not stay on one spot for long . I greeted portraits and jumped the invisible step that William mentioned to us . There wasn 't anybody around as school didn 't start for another couple of weeks , but the castle still felt so lively . Professor Dumbledore and William took turns explaining different floors and rooms to us as we passed them , and once we reached the Entrance Hall , I felt a little dizzy from all the twists and turns that the staircases took us on . " Well , unfortunately no electronics work in Hogwarts , Mr . Melrosen , " laughed Dumbledore , taking a seat behind his desk . " That concludes your tour , ladies and gentlemen . I 'm glad you stopped by . " Original content is Copyright © MMII - MMVIII , CoSForums . com . All Rights Reserved . Other content ( posts , images , etc ) is Copyright © its respective owners . |
We 've had a crazy few weeks . Ten days ago , the movers finished packing up the house . I believe that was on a Wednesday . Thanks to good friends , my kids had places to go that day to play . We spent the night at another friend 's house , since our entire house was packed away in a moving van . They had comfy beds for us . I was so very tired . Thursday morning , I went back to the house . Three other friends came over and they helped me scrub my floors . Every inch of the floor in that house was tiled . To get that tile clean , it has to be scrubbed with a scrub brush . We only had two scrub brushes and two mops , but we got it all cleaned . It was amazing . Those tiles are hard on the knees because you have to kneel while scrubbing , but those friends helped me without a single complaint . They were so dear to do that . We left the house at noon and I had a few errands to run . We finally left the city to head out on our journey at 2 in the afternoon . We arrived in Midland , Texas six hours later and stayed in a hotel room . Friday morning we left Midland and six hours later we were in east Texas at my parent 's home . It was so wonderful to be there . My parents and Gran were there . The kids were so happy to be out of the van . They played and played for hours . I left my parent 's home on Wednesday , December 28th . We drove and drove and drove and arrived in Tuscaloosa , Alabama around 5 : 30pm . We ordered a pizza to our hotel room and we watched movies on TV . My youngest daughter was bouncing off the walls and jumping on the beds of the hotel room . Thursday we drove from Alabama to Salem , Virginia . It was another long day in the van for everyone . I don 't think I had ever been through Tennessee before , but I loved it there . It was green and rolling hills . It was really pretty country . I listened to a radio program for a while that was broadcasting from Detroit ! The trip from Salem to our home near DC was only four hours yesterday . I drove through some gorgeous areas of Virginia . It was really beautiful . Thanks to the GPS , I was able to find my way to the house , where the Hubby was waiting . If it weren 't for the GPS , I never would have found my way . The house is tucked up in some hills , through winding roads that are filled with tall trees and beautiful homes . Our home is very nice . In another post I 'll describe it more . I like most everything about it except it has no garage . Where do we store all of our stuff ? Where do we put holiday boxes ? Oh , and the kitchen is very small , but after the wonderfully huge kitchen I had in New Mexico , any kitchen would seem small . Today the moving van arrived with out house stuff . It took the guys about six hours to unload everything . The house is just filled with boxes . I 've unpacked a lot , but there is still so much to do . I 'm feeling quite overwhelmed and my feet are killing me . I 'm looking forward to sleeping tonight in my own bed again . I 'm just looking forward to sleep . If I make it to mid - night to see the new year in , it will be amazing . My husband reminded me tonight that unpacking the house is a marathon , not a sprint . I can 't do it all today . Good advice . Maybe it 's time to quit the unpacking for the year : ) and relax with a cup of root beer and a plate of cheese and crackers . Yeah , that sounds like a plan . Tonight we are in Alabama . Tired of traveling , we ordered a pizza for dinner . We are eagerly awaiting the pizza . We started the day in Texas , drove through Louisiana , Mississippi , and now we are in Alabama . The kids have been great . We have one more full day on the road tomorrow . Friday will be a short drive . I mean , so what if I forget to keep something out and the packers pack it away in a box . This isn 't an uncivilized country . There is a WalMart every 10 miles in every city across America . If I 've forgotten something desperately important , like a toothbrush , I can buy a new one . I admit I haven 't had much patience with the kids ( they 've been bickering so badly ) , and I 've sometimes been annoyed with my husband for leaving me in this situation , again . I 'm mad at myself for not having it more together . I 've not been terrible , but I 've not been great either . There is still SO much to do . I guess what will happen will happen . My sister reminded me tonight that in a few days , I 'll be at my parent 's home , resting , laughing and relaxing . It will all be OK . I 've made plans to get together with a few friends from high school . One of them I haven 't seen in 20 years . I 'm excited to see them both and meet their families . It will be a merry Christmas . My husband found a house for us . I 'm relieved . I saw some pictures of it today . It looks like a nice home and it has a yard ! A real yard with a fence and grass and trees . It will be green in the spring . How lovely it will be . The kids will be able to play outside again . We move in New Years Day . If I am gone for a while , it 's because I 'm moving . I disconnect the Internet tomorrow . How will I survive ? If I 'm not here again before Christmas day , then I want to say to ya 'll , Merry Christmas ! There is so much to do and yesterday I was kind of freaking out about it , but then I remembered that no matter what , the movers will come , the house will get packed and we will leave . Taking care of my huge to do list will make the move easier , but it will happen regardless . So , I shouldn 't stress out to much . It will all work out . Yesterday I emptied the pantry , cleaned the shelves and repainted them . I cleaned the stove and oven . I hate cleaning the stove and oven . I cleaned the fridge . I still need to do the freezer size , though . I held a yard sale . It was freezing cold outside . I looked completely ridiculous , I 'm sure , sitting in my big , soft computer chair , wrapped in a red and black Scotty dog blanket , sitting in the driveway . To keep me occupied during the several hours outside , I read a book . I found Black Narcissus by Rumer Godden at the used book store . I 've been wanting to read it for a long time , but the book is out of print and most of the copies I can find online are more than I 'm willing to pay . I got lucky at the last trip to the used bookstore . It 's a great book . I need to take down all the pictures in the house , puddy the holes and paint over the puddy . Tomorrow I 'll take down the few Christmas decorations I put up . The tree is up with only the lights , the star on top and about 6 candy canes the kids hung up . I also hung a small wreath and two strands of lights on the porch . Tonight I pack the kids suitcases ( as much as I can . ) I hope they don 't pack the washer and drier until the last . The other day , I was at the Walmart . I was in the toy section with my youngest , letting her play with the toys before we moved onto the shopping . I saw a Magic 8 Ball . After thinking of all the many things I could ask it , I finally asked it , " Is everything going to work out with the move ? " The other morning , my three year old asked me for pizza for breakfast . We didn 't have pizza . She asked again for the breakfast pizza . I had not made a breakfast pizza . Frustrated with me , she showed me what she wanted - Honey Combs cereal . The reading cast was divided into three groups and they read as a chorus . Choral reading is really becoming a lost art among children . They don 't do those kinds of things in schools anymore . No more reading plays or poetry . So , a play like this is really a unique opportunity . It turned out so cute . The kids did great . There was one little hiccup in the show , but it 's pretty funny . During the show , the children sang the first verse of several Christmas carols , but they never could get the tune right for " Once in Royal David 's City . " They always sang it to the tune of " Hark , the Herald Angel 's Sing . " I sang it for them , we even had a pianist playing the song during the show . They still couldn 't get it right . I was sitting back stage during the show to help the little actors with costume and prop changes . I just shook my head and laughed during the one poor mixed - up song . Other than that , it was great ! Here is a picture of the cast after the show . Yes , we had 2 boys and 13 girls . After the show , we had cookies and lemonade , which many of them are holding . Last night was a busy one . My oldest son had his last orchestra concert at this middle school . It was in the cafeteria of the local high school and involved every orchestra and choir from two middle schools . As you can imagine , there were a LOT of families in that cafeteria . It was hard to hear the performing groups . Before that concert was over , my next two kids had their piano recital . My two kids did a duet . It was sweet and they did very well . Hubby left yesterday morning to go to our new home . Well , he 's going to stay in a hotel because we don 't have a home yet . That 's his job while he is there before the rest of us arrive in three weeks . I had to rely on a friend to help me last night . I couldn 't be in two places at once . I 'm an independent person and I don 't like to ask for help , but there was no way around it yesterday . Thank goodness for dear friends . I 've been blessed here to know many wonderful people and have many good friends . I 'm sad to leave them . It 's sadly funny , but you know who your good friends are when you are moving because they all offer to help with that trickiness that is moving . They have said , " Do you need help packing ? " " Do you need help cleaning ? " " Do you need a place to stay ? " " I 'll take the kids anytime you need so you can get some work done without them . " Then there are the people who say , " What day are you packing ? I 'll be there . " They don 't just offer , they are ready to put it on their calendars . It 's truly amazing . Thankfully , I don 't need help packing . The movers will do that for me ! Hooray ! We have a place to go after the movers have packed our things . I 've got sleeping bags , but on our dumb concrete floors , it 's not a fun place to sleep . My husband 's co - worker and his wife ( my son 's cello teacher ) are putting us up in their house . I 've told them you don 't need to do anything special for us . We 'll just all crash in your living room . But no , they 'll have two bedrooms waiting for us . I just hope that I can find good friends where we are going . I hope I can help someone in return . I hope I can repay the kindness that is being shown me . I didn 't mean to be so mushy and I didn 't intend to write this when I sat down to blog , but I can 't help it today . Thank you dear friends . Thank you . Here we are standing in the middle of the Rio Grande . It 's dry during the winters and fast flowing with water in the summers . A number of miles up stream is a dam . Right now they aren 't letting any water through . It 's been a dry year , until this last week . Then on Monday , it snowed ! Tuesday was a snow day ! The kids loved that . Today the world is back to normal , except for some snow left unmelted in the shadowed places of the city . Pretty cool . Actually , it 's pretty cold . Today , when my son left for school it was 20 degrees . I wouldn 't let him out of the house to go to school until he had put on long pants . Monday , the day it snowed , he went to school in shorts and a t - shirt . He was so mad at me today and told everyone about the cruel and unusual punishment that he has endured because his mother made him wear long pants . He still wore a t - shirt and no jacket . . . . We are quite practical when it comes to furnishing our house . I don 't have a decorating gene in my body . My sister got them all ! We have a black sofa . We have a black rocking chair . We have bookshelves that hold books . The pictures on the wall are family photos . I 've tried to match all the frames , but that 's about all the decorating I do . I would like to decorate . I would like to make cozy corners with a side tables , comfy chairs , and a gee , I don 't know . A knick knack ? What do you do with a cozy corner with a table and chair ? Last week , my son 's employer ( and a good friend of the family ) gave our son a family gift . It is a lamp . The lamp is shaped like the Eiffel Tower ! I love it ! It 's so art deco . Now I know what to put in that cozy corner with the table and chair - my Eiffel Tower lamp . Too bad I don 't have that cozy corner . For now it sits on my kitchen counter . Hey ! Maybe the next house I can have a cozy corner . Now I just need a comfy chair , a side table and a house to put it all in . . . . Today was our last play practice for Auntie M 's Christmas play . This has been a very different kind of play and experience for me . It 's been fun . I 'm not nearly as stressed out as I was last time , but there are a few things that I 'm just not sure how they will come together for the play next week . They may not , and that is OK . I didn 't want to involve kids younger than six , but instead I ended up with two 4 year olds . They , actually , are doing great . Although one of these cute 4 year olds was picking his nose on stage today . I laughed . It 's amusing to see a shepherd digging for gold . Next Saturday morning is the big show . I 'm excited for it . It will be a lot of fun . The play is short , maybe 25 minutes long , and half of that time is singing Christmas carols . I 'll be glad when it is done . Since we are moving in three weeks , not having my Saturday mornings free to work on things has been difficult . I really need to hold a yard sale . I could just take all the stuff to the local Goodwill , but it would be nice to try and make a little money first . Moving is so expensive . Anything extra I can get will help . This next week will be crazy ! Not bad , just busy . I bought paint so I can start touching up the walls in the house . I 'll work on painting on Monday . I 'm NOT doing that while all the kids are in the house . I decided not to pull out all the Christmas decorations this year , but I did pull out the tree and put lights on it and the star on top . That is probably all we 'll do with the tree , but it sure is pretty to have my little tree with the blue lights on it . I love Christmas lights . Years ago , we had a phone . It had been a good phone . It had actually gone through the washing machine ( accidentally ) once . And yet , it lived , worked , and was good to us for many years . Then it died . My sister had just bought a new phone for her house , so she mailed me her old one . Now , the reason she bought a new phone was because the old one was very unreliable . She was quite annoyed with it . Now , I was in possession of the annoying phone . It did give us trouble , but most of the time it worked . Then , as time passed , it got more and more unreliable . It didn 't ring . It wouldn 't give us a dial tone . It was not a good phone . But , I was too cheap to buy a new one and of course , I didn 't want to offend my sister , who had so graciously given me the phone . ( In retrospect , she probably sent me that phone to pay me back for trying to sell her when she was a baby . ) The phone got worse and worse . I called it the stupid phone . I would see someone out and about in town and frequently heard , " I tried to call you , but your phone did something strange . " and I would say , " Yes , it is a stupid phone . " Still , I was too cheap to go out and buy a new one . Well , this last week , it wasn 't working at all . We couldn 't make calls out and we weren 't getting calls in . I yanked it from the wall and tossed it out . I plugged in a cheap corded phone again . My new cheap phone is a white , slim - line phone with no connections to oriental food what - so - ever . ( That 's for you , sis ) Today , I admitted to my sister that I had gotten rid of the stupid phone . Do you know what she said to me ? " It 's about time ! " My computer is dead . It 's so sad . It was fine Saturday , then that night it started having problems . My dear Hubby , who is , in my opinion , a computer genius , has worked on it for days . He has tried everything , but it could not be safely saved . Tomorrow he will take it and have it erased . We have tried to get all the important files off of it and I hope we did . Right now , the only truly important file is my school file with the two papers I 've been writing . If anything should happen to those , I might go quite crazy . This won 't be long as I am typing from a touch pad keyboard . I can do it , but it 's kind of a pain . Something kind of funny - my eldest son seems to have a difficult time coming out of rooms when the door is shut . It always sounds like he runs into the door and has a fight with the knob before he gets out . Well this morning I joked with him that really needs to remember to open the door before trying to walk out . He smiled and walked out . Several minutes later I hear a loud bang against a door and my son going " dang it . " I love how fast I can read most of them . Wow , I just read an entire novel in one hour ! ( OK , so it 's a novel for a 2nd grader , but hey . . . ) Still , I 'm picky about what I read . I prefer to laugh or feel good while I 'm reading a story , so I avoid serious dramas for the most part . I like a lot of the classics . I don 't like books about dogs who die at the end . I hated that we had to read Where the Red Fern Grows and Old Yeller when I was in middle school . They are still making kids read the same books . I like fantasy and I like biographies . I like books about everyday life and the silly situations we sometimes find ourselves in . I like when the main character is an underdog , but manages to save the day . Nothing bad is going on . I 'm quite fortunate that life is really pretty good . Still , I feel like the batteries are dying . My play is in two weeks . I 've never had all the kids come to the rehearsals at the same time . One of them told me she didn 't have her script because she lost it in her room and she is too lazy to look for it . Yes , that is what she told me . Know what I told her ? Find it ! She got my last copy of the script and I 'm not making another just because she doesn 't feel like looking for it . I 've got two school papers due . One in December , one in January . That really isn 't a problem . The problem is we will most likely be moving during those times . Moving in the middle of the semester makes getting homework done and papers written difficult . Speaking of moving . . . . where are we going ? Somewhere in Virginia . When are we going ? I don 't know . Some time in December . How 's that for planning ? We lived in Hawaii for almost 5 years . There is a lot of wonderful things there to miss , but for the most part , I don 't think about it much . Tonight we were visiting with a Hawaiian local that is here visiting family . We heard her sing in Samoan . She fed us ! We realized how much we miss that island and the beautiful people on it . The culture , the food , the kindness . It isn 't the beaches or palm trees we miss . It 's the people we miss . Too bad this upcoming move can 't take us back to Hawaii . Sigh . OK , that 's enough of that . Like I said , things aren 't really bad , but I feel worn down . Among other things , I 'm concerned about not knowing where we are going , the kids school , saying goodbye to friends and hoping that wherever we go there are people as kind as the ones here . I need a hug . I need someone to hug me and tell me everything will work out just fine . I 'm sure it will , but the hug would be nice anyway . Things will be better Monday . The kids will be back to school and I will be able to enjoy a little more peace . My goal is to have my two papers for school finished before we leave and with everyone home for the Thanksgiving holidays , it 's been hard to concentrate . Last Tuesday , my husband 's work 's Christmas party for the employees , were tickets to see the Trans Siberian Orchestra . I wasn 't terribly familiar with their music . I only knew a couple of songs . If you aren 't familiar with TSO , they are kind of an electric guitar rocking band . They have an electric violinist , two pianist , a drummer on a huge set , and a small string ensemble . They really rocked the house ! I 'm not a head banging , electric guitar rocking fan , but their music was quite awesome . I had a fun time . The show lasted for about three hours . The first half of the show they told a sweet Christmas story with the spoken story being in prose and inbetween the storyteller 's tale , they had their music . Some of it was original music and some was new versions to old tunes like Carol of the Bells ( one of their more famous songs . ) The second half of the show was their own oringinal music and showing off their tremendous talents . I was really amazed to see , among the concert goes , a lot of gray and white haired people . I was kind of surprised to see so many older folks at the show . I mean , this was head banging , loud electric guitar music . But then I got to thinking about these gray haired folks . These guys were teens or young adults in the 60 's and 70 's . This was the generation that went to Woodstock . This is the generation that saw the Rolling Stones and The Who . They were the first to go to ear - bleeding , head banging concerts . Why wouldn 't they still enjoy it now ? This is my 3rd concert I 've been too . If you know anything about me , you might be able to guess who two of my favorite bands are . Can you guess ? The Monkees and The Beatles . I was a kid when the Monkees had their 20th anniversary tour and I got to see them when they went to Dallas . I sat out in the grass for hours , drinking Gatorade and being so excited I could hardly sit still . Then the thrill of seeing Peter , Micky and Davy was beyond anything I had ever experienced . The funny thing about that concert was " Weird Al " was the opening band . At the time I didn 't know who Weird Al was , but it was not a full year later that I was introduced to his music and became a big fan . All I remember of Weird Al 's part of the concert was the " Addicted to Spuds " song . He had people dressed as potatoes dancing on the stage . Now I can can Trans Siberian Orchestra to my list of concerts . It was so much fun . Next time , though , I need to remember ear plugs . It was a little louder than I was comfortable with . I 'm such an old fuddy - duddy . Things are never dull here . Honestly , I can 't ever say that I 'm bored . What a week we had . What a week we have coming up . What a month ahead of me . Thanks to good meds I am feeling 100 % again after last weeks nasty sickness . Well , I was feeling 100 % , but today while lifting boxes , I pulled a muscle in my back . Note to self - get Hubby or Son to do the heavy lifting . They have arm muscles , I don 't . : ) We had family visit over the weekend . My parents , my husband 's parent 's and a nephew were here for a special occasion . What fun we all had visiting , laughing , sharing stories , watching the kids play . It was only a few short days , but it was great fun while they were here . I 'm sad to see it end , but at the same time , I need everyone to go so I can focus on getting this house ready to move . The kids have school tomorrow , but then they are off Wednesday , Thursday and Friday . It will be fun to have them home . I hope they will work to behave themselves and get along with each other . Is it really just three days until Thanksgiving ? I haven 't even thought about fixing Thanksgiving dinner . I love doing it , but it 's really snuck up on me this year or I 've been too busy to notice its approach . Today I was at the store getting a few essentials and not really shopping . However , my mother - in - law , who was with me , reminded me that I hadn 't bought my turkey yet . Oh yeah ! I hope it thaws by Thursday . My son loves the Elf Yourself website . He plays on it every morning before school . His favorite thing to do is put himself and some of his favorite famous people in the pictures ( i . e . David Tennent ( from Dr . Who ) , Bill Murray , Fabio , and Weird Al ) and then watch them dance . It 's pretty entertaining . Really , I have no point to my blog entry this time . It 's just some of my thoughts spilling from my mind onto the keyboard . ( Kind of weird imagery there , isn 't it ? ) I have a fun blog entry in mind to do , I just haven 't taken the time to sit down and write it . I 've GOT to get school work done , but maybe , if I need a break from library concerns , I 'll blog about a fun evening I had last week . Then , there are my poor cake decorated deprived children . They have a mom who is seriously handicapped at cake decorating . Seriously ! ! ! It wasn 't always this bad , but it seems each cake I make just gets worse and worse . Here is the most recent cake disaster : Yeah , I know . That 's bad . I don 't even want to tell you what it makes me think of . So , I made the cake , like normal . After it was completely cooled , I took it out of the pan . Well , it broke into about three pieces when I took it out of the pan . Then I tried to ice it . It just crumbled . I 've never had a cake do that . NEVER ! This was my daughter 's cake last year . The two round cakes didn 't sit well on top of each other and the top of the cake kind of slid off the bottom of the cake . It was a mess . She was forgiving as well . Hey , my cakes may be ugly , but they are tasty . There is nothing wrong with the way the cake tastes and that 's the most important part . Right ? My husband an two older sons don 't even bother asking for a cake , they want cheesecake and I can make some killer cheesecakes . They are yummy ! This year , after seeing her brother 's cake disaster , my daughter asked for ice cream instead of a cake . Smart girl . Today was a much better day , thank goodness ! I don 't get sick often . I get a cold every year that keeps me coughing for about six weeks , but I can deal with that . What happened to me the other day is a much more rare occurrence . I wake up in the morning , just fine and ready to tackle the day . By the end of the day , BAM ! I 'm flat on my back unable to move because I feel so awful and achy and dizzy . I was up at 1am and 5am last night ( this morning ) eating popsicles to help my poor throat . Thank you medicine ! Today I feel quite normal except for a very tender throat . So , I cleaned today . Not a lot of fun and there is still a lot to do , but I feel better about what I accomplished today . Ooooo , I can feel my throat getting sore again . Time for some meds and maybe another popsicle . That was me yesterday . Today hasn 't been much better . I 've laid around , slept , and spent 2 1 / 2 hours at the doctor trying to gets some meds to help . I have company arriving in two days . It will be the Hubby 's parents AND my parents . Yeah , this house will not be ready for company . In the last six days , we 've had two birthdays in our house . The oldest daughter is 8 now and the youngest son is 6 . It 's hard to believe . I love that they are getting older . Last night we had a disco dance . Now years and years ago , disco night in our house was a regular event . We probably had a disco two or three times a month . Our disco ball hung from the ceiling in the living room . We would turn on the spotlight , crank up the disco music and dance . It was great fun . Last night we turned off all the lights in the house and turned on the strobe light . Then we danced . It was so funny . I wish I could explain everything that the kids did . My youngest daughter , who is 3 , had this strut she would do and she probably had the best moves of anyone else in the family . They all had fantastic moves . It was very funny and I 'm a little jealous of their dance skills . As we will be moving soon , you can imagine it is on our minds a lot . I hope each day when Hubby comes home from work , he will know where we are going and when we are going . It makes moving easier to plan when you have those two vital bits of information . While I 'm sad to say good - bye to good friends , I view each move as an exciting adventure . I 'm not stressing over anything yet because there is nothing I can do about anything just yet . Hubby told me I had a good attitude about this move . ( We 've moved at least 9 times over the course of our marriage . ) I told him if my attitude was annoying him , I could totally freak out over it . He declined my offer . This move should be so easy compared to the last one . Last time we were trying to sell a house and I had six month old to deal with ( along with the other 4 kids ) and Hubby left for his new job about a month before I could leave to join him , so I was all alone . This time , it 's a rental house , the kids are older and can help more . I 'll stress out when we get close to the actual move . So , Molly - freaking - out will appear in about a month . Keep an eye out for the entertaining show that is to come . Several amazing things have happened this week . On Wednesday , Hubby found out his job here was ending . That means we move wherever the next job takes us . So , we 're moving ! Most likely next month . It 's crazy how fast the news comes and you work with it . I 'd tell you where we are moving to , but I don 't know myself yet . It 's looking like Virginia , but don 't quote me on that yet . So , this weekend , we started cleaning out stuff . I 've got a very large yard sale pile going . I 've been going through boxes , cleaning out stuff we don 't need and other joyous tasks of this nature . Tonight , miracle of miracles , I found a set of photos that I thought I had lost . Honestly , I haven 't seen these photos in six years and was sure they were missing forever . Hubby will tell you how upset I 've been over the years at the loss of these photos . Tonight , I was searching through a box . It was probably never unpacked when we moved here three years ago . ( Yeah , I know that 's pretty sad to still have unpacked boxes from the last move . . . . ) Many years ago , when I was just a young tot of two , ( maybe younger , but I don 't remember that far back ) I had a record player . I listened to music and stories on my record player . I remember having several versions of the story of Peter Pan that I loved listening to . Peter Pan frequently sent Tinker Bell to my home to visit me . I remember more than once , sitting in my living room while a light darted about the ceiling . I spoke to it . My parents might tell you that it was my dad holding a hidden flashlight , but that wouldn 't be the truth - it was Tinker Bell . One of my favorite records as a child was a theatrical performance of Peter Pan on LP . It was a very groovy recording with original music . I LOVED that record . I can still sing the opening song from it . " There 's a magic place I know , where it 's summer all year through . A land at rainbows end of games and let 's pretend , Never Land is waiting for you ! " I was given a beautiful story book from my parents in 1980 for Christmas . It had the most amazing pictures in it . I looked at those beautiful works of art over and over . I went to see Peter Pan when it came to Dallas and starred Sandy Duncan ! ( late 70 's early 80 's , I don 't know the year ) I remember going to see that . It was such a thrill . Years later I was introduced to the Mary Martin version of Peter Pan . I taped it off the TV and had it on VCR tape so I was able to watch it over and over and over . " I have a place where dreams are born and time is never planned . It 's not on any chart , you must find it with your heart , Never Never Land . " Then , as a teenager , the Cathy Rigby version came to Dallas and I saw that performed . The book on the left is a nice hardback , the center book I got for super cheap at a used bookstore . It 's great for just reading without worrying about destroying the book . The blue book on the right it the one with the beautiful artwork that I got for Christmas when I was very small . I learned very quickly when reading Peter Pan , that it was much more than just a children 's book . The language was difficult first of all . It 's much darker story than the plays and movies I had seen . Peter is still lovable , but less so . He is an mischievous imp . You get so annoyed with him in his complete lack of understanding of Wendy 's feelings , and yet , when he is hurt and about to die , alone on a rock from a wound inflicted by Hook , you want to cry for Peter . There were movies , like Hook , in 1991 that were lots of fun . There were other movie versions that were well done , but not my favorite telling of the story . . . . I was in the play Peter Pan when I was 10 or so years old . I played the snake . I got to hang out with the crocodile . I was in every scene the crocodile was in . I don 't have any photos of my in my snake costume , but I know my mom has at least one , somewhere . I tried to convince my husband to name one of our children Peter , but I never could get him to go with me on that . Then , six years ago , I had the opportunity to go to London for about 36 hours . I didn 't care what I saw or did in London , as long as I visited the Peter Pan statue in Kensington Gardens . It took several subway trains from my hotel and a very , very long walk through a huge park before I found Peter , but found him I did . A kind stranger took a picture of me with Peter Pan . I was 8 months pregnant at the time with baby # 4 . Sadly , I haven 't seen those pictures since coming back from London . I have no idea what happened to them . I hope one day to find them , but until then , just know that I 've been there . I 've seen Peter . I sat on a bench across the walk from him , looked at him and thanked him for the many , many wonderful years we 've know each other . My kids can count on every year , the annual post - Halloween torching of the jack - o - lantern . We started this tradition about 10 years ago . We were living in Hawaii . It 's hot there year round . Our poor pumpkin we bought and carved in mid - October was a nothing but a moldy , melted orange blob by Halloween . We decided to have a bit of fun with it and the Hubby sprayed it with lighter fluid and set it aflame . This became a post - Halloween tradition . This year , after an unusually warm October , we once again had a melted , gooey pumpkin . Last night , we set it out among the rocks in our yard and the Hubby turned on the propane torch . Flames shot out of it 's eyes and mouth . The Hubby is a big fan of mincemeat . Every Christmas season I make him a mincemeat pie . I buy the brown goo in the big jar and pour it into a pie crust . He is the only one who will east it . I like it for maybe two bites and I 'm done . The flavor is just odd to me . This year I thought it might be fun to do something different . So , I was searching for mincemeat recipes and came across one that looked tasty . It is called Canadian style mincemeat . I don 't know if it actually the way they eat mincemeat in Canada or if they get the brown goo in a jar like we have in the US . Perhaps someone just called it that for fun and it has nothing to do with Canada . I don 't know . If any friends from Canada can solve this mystery for me , I would be so grateful . Once I had this delicious concoction made , I had to try something with it . I found a cookie recipe . It 's basically a sugar cookie with the mincemeat inside . I used a heart shaped cookie cutter . They turned out so very yummy . These little cookies are perfect for an evening treat . I heated up some apple cider to drink with my cookies . If there are seasons in heaven , this is what you would eat in autumn in heaven . So there it is , Canadian style mincemeat . I 'll be making more of this stuff . When the holidays are upon us , I 'll make a pie with it . Ooo , it will be so good . I 'm trying to get through school work . I like it and much of it is interesting , but this week , I have 31 pages to read . That 's really not much , but every time I sit down to read , I fall asleep . Or my mind starts to think about the other ten projects I 'm working on and by the time I 've finished a page , I can 't remember a single thing that I read and I re - read it , but continue to have a wandering mind . I still haven 't made it through those 31 pages yet . My theater is holding auditions this coming Saturday . I 'm excited . Recent theater experiences in the last few months have given me great ideas to do with the kids for auditions . I 'm going to have every kid go through the audition , but depending on the number of kids that show up , if they want to be in the play , I can put them in it . It 's a great little show because the cast size is very flexible . Oldest son really wants to have a comedy troop . We 've had two meetings , but only one kid showed up and that 's tough for him . My kids and I have been playing these funny games for month , but he never has , so it 's hard for him to jump into our family 's insanity . We discovered that one of our neighbors is a theater major graduate and he spent a year and a half in an improv comedy group while he was in school . We 've invited him to our next meeting to come and really help us do some fun stuff . I 've given up on writing right now . The only thing I write these days is this blog and my school papers . Sad , but it 's a trade off in the middle of the semester . I need to figure out how to record sound with my computer . I can run the camera , but I don 't want video , just sound and I can 't figure it out . I 've asked Hubby for help , but he is so busy with everything he is involved in , he hasn 't had time to help . If I ever do figure it out , watch out ! I 've got a funny idea brewing . The kids are good . My oldest daughter and youngest son have birthdays next week . Ahhh ! I haven 't even thought about those yet . I had a parent / teacher conference with my daughter 's teacher a couple of weeks ago . She told me what they are learning in school and she told me , " don 't teach her multiplication yet , we need to get the addition facts down first . " OK . Well , today , for fun , daughter was at the table , writing out her own math problems and figuring them out . She realized that 12x6 is just 12 six times . She thinks of things that I never would have thought of at her age . She 's smart , like her dad . OK , Peanut , who I am holding , has fallen asleep . Now it 's time to put her down and see if I can tackle those reading pages again . ( yawn , maybe not ) We love our holiday TV specials , Garfield , Charlie Brown and such . With this being Halloween , I started to think of my favorite shows and their Halloween episodes . Most TV shows , that I can think of , have at least one Halloween themed show during their run . Right now , as I am writing this , my daughter is watching Blues Clues . It is the episode where they are trying to find out what Blue is afraid of . At one point , they enter into an old haunted house that is occupied by a little ghost named Boo . Every time some one says Boo 's name , everyone screams . It 's funny . My favorite TV show of all time , The Monkees , really didn 't have a specific Halloween episode . They did have four or five shows that took place in haunted mansions with monsters , vampires , werewolves , mummies and coffins . Definitely a couple of great episodes to watch during Halloween . Another favorite TV show for me is SeaQuest DSV . They had a Halloween one that if I remember right , aired on Halloween . It took place on an old sunken ship where tormented souls of ghosts did their best to scare the crew of the SeaQuest . I 've seen the episode three or four times now , but one part of the show still freaks me out . It 's at the beginning . The crew is watching some old footage of a Titanic - like ship . They pause the old movie to discuss what to do and while the movie is paused , one of the faces in the movie turns to look at them . Freaks me out every time . ( Shivers ) I prefer to laugh than be scared , so I 'll share a favorite YouTube clip of a not - so - scary witch . Just a warning - do NOT eat anything while watching this . I did this morning and about choked on my cereal because I was laughing so hard . Today is the first day that it has really felt cool out . I mean , the kids can and still are running around without jackets or shoes so it 's not that cold yet . But , it 's the first day that I haven 't turned on the A / C in the house . Tomorrow is the first Halloween carnival we will attend . Actually , there are three , but we will only attend one . Just two days ago , my 11 year old son finally told me what he wants to be for Halloween . So , what do my kids want to dress as for Halloween ? Oldest son wanted to dress as Dr . Who . He 's rather obsessed with that show right now . Sadly , in this warm climate we live in , dark brown overcoats and matching suits with bow ties aren 't to be found ( for a cheap price , anyway . ) We found a costume online for Dr . Who , but who wants to spend $ 300 on a costume for a kid that will grow out of it in five months ? He was disappointed , but decided to be Charlie Brown in his Halloween costume . So , that is a sheet with a bunch of holes cut out of it . A $ 4 sheet from the local used clothing store is definitely doable . Next son took until 2 days ago to tell me he wants to be a pirate . Well , he can wear his dark pants and white shirt . A trip to the used clothing store found a brown scrub - like shirt . With a little help from the old sewing machine , we turned that brown shirt into a vest . I 've got some strips of cloth we can use as a belt . OK , we 're good . Seven year old daughter . If you 've never seen the movie called " The Worst Witch , " I highly recommend it . It was filmed in the 80 's and is about a young girl at a witches academy . It 's got a lot of Harry Potter elements in it , but this was more than a decade before Harry Potter even showed up on bookshelves . The main witch student is Mildred Hubble . This is who my daughter wanted to be for Halloween . We found a women 's sleeveless cocktail dress at the used clothing shop and an orange shirt . They look like the uniforms the girls in the movie wear . A green ribbon belt and striped stockings finish the costume off . It 's cute ! The five year old son has also waited until the last minute to tell me his costume choice - a ninja . Not too tough . Black pants , black shirt , black socks . We 've got that . I will sew one more element to his costume this afternoon . Then there is Peanut . She wanted to be a ballerina . We have a leotard already from when her big sister was this age . Some tulle and an elastic made a tutu . She spent two days already wearing her costume . Her tutu is looking pretty sad now . It 's OK . It makes her happy . week , so there hasn 't been much to say . Last week we had a group project to do . That isn 't easy when the members of the group span 12 time zones . Most of them are in the UK , but there are a Also this past week , we discussed " digital natives . " What are digital natives you ask ? People born since 1993 . They know no life without the Internet . The rest of us born prior to 1993 are called " digital had a couple of great games - Jumpman , Nibbler and Math Blaster . We got our first VCR around that same time . Great fun . It was such a novelty to go down to the shopping center near our home Having a blah day and I have no reason to do so . I 've got several great projects going on . I love have a projects to work on . I just can 't get myself to work on any of them . But on the flip side , I don 't know what to do with myself either . Maybe I just need to get outside and soak in some sunshine . Last night , Hubby was on one computer which is in our bedroom . The living room was filled with kids . Several of them were watching cartoons on the TV and the oldest was watching Dr . Who on my computer . I didn 't want to hang out in the living room or the bedroom . Where else can I go ? I had my oldest son assist me in moving my loom into the kitchen . Yes , the kitchen . I took my tablet , which has some of my favorite music . I put on headphones , and work in the kitchen on my loom . It was a great little work area . No one bothered me and I got the loom re - tied so I can start weaving again . All week long , I 've thought this week is next week . Understand ? My dear Hubby made arrangements to come home early today because I had an appointment . I checked the calendar to verify my appointment time and realized that the appointment is next week , not today . UG ! I couldn 't get hold of Hubby for a while and when I finally did , it was too late . He was one his way home . This week I 've done some Mad Libs with my kids . I love doing those . My 7 year old , who has recently learned the parts of speech , is really into doing these . She and I have had many a good laugh in the last week . I 'm also planning next year 's season . If we can work it out , there will be three productions next year , spring , summer and fall ! It should be a ton of fun . Check out the Upcoming Performances page . their own hair , but she didn 't do a bad job , surprisingly . They are almost like bangs . I don 't mind bangs , but when the rest of her Imagine a plate with pancakes on it . The family eats the pancakes , but then as dinner is finishing , there is one pancake left on the plate . Who gets it ? Well , it 's not polite to take the last one , so everyone just leaves it and dinner is over . What do you do with the one pancake ? Do you just eat it ? Do you throw it out , even though it is good food ? Do you save it ? Saving it would involve using a baggie or a Tupperware for just one item . Is it worth it ? During that same meal , everyone has a drink of milk . But , the tradition is , you must leave a tiny bit of milk in the jug . You must leave too much milk in the jug just to throw out , so you have to save it . An entirely empty jug , except for about 1 / 8 of a cup is stored back into the fridge . School has been going for two weeks for me . Some of it is interesting , some , not so interesting , but I guess that 's the way school goes . Of course , it 's only been two weeks . Today we had two " chats " in a chatroom . The first one was at 10am , Scotland time . That was 3am for me . I was awake and alert and participated and towards the end , I thought of a good question and decided to save the it for the next chat session later in the day . I got to go back to sleep for about 2 hours after the chat finished and before it was time to wake kids up for school . When the second chat started , it was 8pm Scotland time , one in the afternoon for me . I sat down to participate in the chat and couldn 't remember anymore the question I had so brilliantly devised at 3 : 50am . couldn 't even see the bottom of the dark green tub . For all I knew , there could have been a dead body in there . Even though the Jacuzzi didn 't work , I was probably on the beds , and all over the floor . Now , this was in July and the window A / C didn 't work . As Flagstaff is high elevation , the outside |
There was once a great city that depended for its water supply upon a fountain without the walls . A great dragon , possessed and moved by Satan himself , took possession of the fountain and refused to allow water to be taken unless , whenever people came to the spring , a youth or maiden was given to him to devour . The people tried again and again to destroy the monster ; but though the flower of the city cheerfully went forth against it , its breath was so pestilential that they used to drop down dead before they came within bow - shot . The terrorized inhabitants were thus obliged to sacrifice their offspring , or die of thirst ; till at last all the youth of the place had perished except the king 's daughter . So great was the distress of their subjects for want of water that her heart - broken parents could no longer withhold her , and amid the tears of the populace she went out towards the spring , where the dragon lay awaiting her . But just as the noisome monster was going to leap on her , Mar Jiryis appeared , in golden panoply , upon a fine white steed , and spear in hand . Riding full tilt at the dragon , he struck it fair between the eyes and laid it dead . The king , out of gratitude for this unlooked - for succor , gave Mar Jiryis his daughter and half of his kingdom . Once upon a time there was great scarcity of food in the land . Father Anansi and his son , Kweku Tsin , being very hungry , set out one morning to hunt in the forest . In a short time Kweku Tsin was fortunate enough to kill a fine deer - which he carried to his father at their resting - place . Anansi was very glad to see such a supply of food , and requested his son to remain there on guard , while he went for a large basket in which to carry it home . An hour or so passed without his return , and Kweku Tsin became anxious . Fearing lest his father had lost his way , he called out loudly , " Father , father ! " to guide him to the spot . To his joy he heard a voice reply , " Yes , my son , " and immediately he shouted again , thinking it was Anansi . Instead of the latter , however , a terrible dragon appeared . This monster breathed fire from his great nostrils , and was altogether a dreadful sight to behold . Kweku Tsin was terrified at his approach and speedily hid himself in a cave near by . The dragon arrived at the resting - place , and was much annoyed to find only the deer 's body . He vented his anger in blows upon the latter and went away . Soon after , Father Anansi made his appearance . He was greatly interested in his son 's tale , and wished to see the dragon for himself . He soon had his desire , for the monster , smelling human flesh , hastily returned to the spot and seized them both . They were carried off by him to his castle , where they found many other unfortunate creatures also awaiting their fate . All were left in charge of the dragon 's servant - a fine , white cock - which always crowed to summon his master , if anything unusual happened in the latter 's absence . The dragon then went off in search of more prey . Kweku Tsin now summoned all his fellow - prisoners together , to arrange a way of escape . All feared to run away - because of the wonderful powers of the monster . His eyesight was so keen that he could detect a fly moving miles away . Not only that , but he could move over the ground so swiftly that none could outdistance him . Kweku Tsin , however , being exceedingly clever , soon thought of a plan . Knowing that the white cock would not crow as long as he has grains of rice to pick up , Kweku scattered on the ground the contents of forty bags of grain which were stored in the great hall . While the cock was thus busily engaged , Kweku Tsin ordered the spinners to spin fine hempen ropes , to make a strong rope ladder . One end of this he intended to throw up to heaven , trusting that the gods would catch it and hold it fast , while he and his fellow - prisoners mounted . While the ladder was being made , the men killed and ate all the cattle they needed - reserving all the bones for Kweku Tsin at his express desire . When all was ready the young man gathered the bones into a great sack . He also procured the dragon 's fiddle and placed it by his side . Everything was now ready . Kweku Tsin threw one end of the ladder up to the sky . It was caught and held . The dragon 's victims began to mount , one after the other , Kweku remaining at the bottom . By this time , however , the monster 's powerful eyesight showed him that something unusual was happening at his abode . He hastened his return . On seeing his approach , Kweku Tsin also mounted the ladder - with the bag of bones on his back , and the fiddle under his arm . The dragon began to climb after him . Each time the monster came too near the young man threw him a bone , with which , being very hungry , he was obliged to descend to the ground to eat . Kweku Tsin repeated this performance till all the bones were gone , by which time the people were safely up in the heavens . Then he mounted himself , as rapidly as possible , stopping every now and then to play a tune on the wonderful fiddle . Each time he did this , the dragon had to return to earth , to dance - as he could not resist the magic music . When Kweku was quite close to the top , the dragon had very nearly reached him again . The brave youth bent down and cut the ladder away below his own feet . The dragon was dashed to the ground but Kweku was pulled up into safety by the gods . The latter were so pleased with his wisdom and bravery in giving freedom to his fellowmen , that they made him the sun the source of all light and heat to the world . His father , Anansi , became the moon , and his friends the stars . Thereafter , it was Kweku Tsin 's privilege to supply all these with light , each being dull and powerless without him . Then he said to his beloved , " I must now go and leave you . I give you a ring to remember me by . As soon as I am king , I will return and take you home with me . " After this she took leave of her father , and rode away with them . They rode to the court of her former fiancé , whom she loved so dearly . There she asked if he needed any huntsmen , and if he would take all of them into his service . The king looked at her without recognizing her . Because they were such good - looking fellows , he said , yes , that he would willingly take them , and then they were the king 's twelve huntsmen . " Oh , just have some peas scattered in your antechamber , " answered the lion , " and then you shall soon see . Men have a firm step , and when they walk over the peas , none of them will be moved . On the other hand , girls trip and skip and shuffle their feet , rolling the peas about . " The lion said , " They knew that were going to be put to a test , and acted like they were strong . Just have twelve spinning wheels brought into the antechamber . They will go up to them and admire them . No man would do that . " The twelve huntsmen always accompanied the king hunting , and the longer he knew them , the better he liked them . Now it happened that once when they were out hunting , news came that the king 's bride was approaching . When the true bride heard this , it hurt her so much that it almost broke her heart , and she fainted and fell to the ground . Thinking that something had happened to his dear huntsman , the king ran up to him in order to help him . Pulling the huntsman 's glove off , he saw the ring that he had given to his first fiancée , and when he looked into her face , he recognized her . Then his heart was so touched that he kissed her , and when she opened her eyes he said , " You are mine , and I am yours , and no one in the world can change that . " There was once a King who was so ill that it was thought impossible his life could be saved . He had three sons , and they were all in great distress on his account , and they went into the castle gardens and wept at the thought that he must die . An old man came up to them and asked the cause of their grief . They told him that their father was dying , and nothing could save him . " As you have spoken pleasantly to me , and not been haughty like your false brothers , I will help you and tell you how to find the Water of Life . It flows from a fountain in the courtyard of an enchanted castle ; but you will never get in unless I give you an iron rod and two loaves of bread . With the rod strike three times on the iron gate of the castle , and it will spring open . Inside you will find two Lions with wide - open jaws , but if you throw a loaf to each they will be quiet . Then you must make haste to fetch the Water of Life before it strikes twelve , or the gates of the castle will close and you will be shut in . " The Prince thanked him , took the rod and the loaves , and set off . When he reached the castle all was just as the Dwarf had said . At the third knock the gate flew open , and when he had pacified the Lions with the loaves , he walked into the castle . In the great hall he found several enchanted Princes , and he took the rings from their fingers . He also took a sword and a loaf , which were lying by them . On passing into the next room he found a beautiful Maiden , who rejoiced at his coming . She embraced him , and said that he had saved her , and should have the whole of her kingdom ; and if he would come back in a year she would marry him . She also told him where to find the fountain with the enchanted water ; but , she said , he must make haste to get out of the castle before the clock struck twelve . Then he went on , and came to a room where there was a beautiful bed freshly made , and as he was very tired he thought he would take a little rest ; so he lay down and fell asleep . When he woke it was striking a quarter to twelve . He sprang up in a fright , and ran to the fountain , and took some of the water in a cup which was lying near , and then hurried away . The clock struck just as he reached the iron gate , and it banged so quickly that it took off a bit of his heel . He was rejoiced at having got some of the Water of Life , and hastened on his homeward journey . He again passed the Dwarf , who said , when he saw the sword and the loaf , " Those things will be of much service to you . You will be able to strike down whole armies with the sword , and the loaf will never come to an end . " The Prince went to him and gave him the loaf , and with it he fed and satisfied his whole kingdom . The Prince also gave him his sword , and he smote the whole army of his enemies with it , and then he was able to live in peace and quiet . Then the Prince took back his sword and his loaf , and the three brothers rode on . But they had to pass through two more countries where war and famine were raging , and each time the Prince gave his sword and his loaf to the King , and in this way he saved three kingdoms . As soon as they got home the youngest Prince took his goblet to the King , so that he might drink of the water which was to make him well ; but after drinking only a few drops of the sea water he became more ill than ever . As he was bewailing himself , his two elder sons came to him and accused the youngest of trying to poison him , and said that they had the real Water of Life , and gave him some . No sooner had he drunk it than he felt better , and he soon became as strong and well as he had been in his youth . Then the two went to their youngest brother , and mocked him , saying , " It was you who found the Water of Life ; you had all the trouble , while we have the reward . You should have been wiser , and kept your eyes open ; we stole it from you while you were asleep on the ship . When the end of the year comes , one of us will go and bring away the beautiful Princess . But don 't dare to betray us . Our father will certainly not believe you , and if you say a single word you will lose your life ; your only chance is to keep silence . " When the year had almost passed , the eldest Prince thought that he would hurry to the Princess , and by giving himself out as her deliverer would gain a wife and a kingdom as well . So he rode away , and when he saw the beautiful golden road he thought it would be a thousand pities to ride upon it ; so he turned aside , and rode to the right of it . But when he reached the gate the people told him that he was not the true bridegroom , and he had to go away . When the year had quite come to an end , the third Prince came out of the wood to ride to his beloved , and through her to forget all his past sorrows . So on he went , thinking only of her , and wishing to be with her ; and he never even saw the golden road . His horse cantered right along the middle of it , and when he reached the gate it was flung open and the Princess received him joyfully , and called him her Deliverer , and the Lord of her Kingdom . Their marriage was celebrated without delay , and with much rejoicing . When it was over , she told him that his father had called him back and forgiven him . So he went to him and told him everything ; how his brothers had deceived him , and how they had forced him to keep silence . The old King wanted to punish them , but they had taken a ship and sailed away over the sea , and they never came back as long as they lived . Soon after , she had a daughter , whose hair was black as ebony , while her cheeks were red as blood , and her skin as white as snow ; so she was called Snowdrop . But when the child was born the Queen died . A year after the King took another wife . She was a handsome woman , but proud and overbearing , and could not endure that any one should surpass her in beauty . She had a magic looking - glass , and when she stood before it and looked at herself she used to say , " Mirror , Mirror on the wall , Who is fairest of us all ? " And because of her beauty the Huntsman had pity on her and said , " Well , run away , poor child . " Wild beasts will soon devour you , he thought , but still he felt as though a weight were lifted from his heart because he had not been obliged to kill her . And as just at that moment a young fawn came leaping by , he pierced it and took the lungs and liver as tokens to the Queen . The Cook was ordered to serve them up in pickle , and the wicked Queen ate them thinking that they were Snowdrop 's . Now the poor child was alone in the great wood , with no living soul near , and she was so frightened that she knew not what to do . Then she began to run , and ran over the sharp stones and through the brambles , while the animals passed her by without harming her . She ran as far as her feet could carry her till it was nearly evening , when she saw a little house and went in to rest . Inside , everything was small , but as neat and clean as could be . A small table covered with a white cloth stood ready with seven small plates , and by every plate was a spoon , knife , fork , and cup . Seven little beds were ranged against the walls , covered with snow - white coverlets . As Snowdrop was very hungry and thirsty she ate a little bread and vegetable from each plate , and drank a little wine from each cup , for she did not want to eat up the whole of one portion . Then , being very tired , she lay down in one of the beds . She tried them all but none suited her ; one was too short , another too long , all except the seventh , which was just right . She remained in it , said her prayers , and fell asleep . When it was quite dark the masters of the house came in . They were seven Dwarfs , who used to dig in the mountains for ore . They kindled their lights , and as soon as they could see they noticed that some one had been there , for everything was not in the order in which they had left it . Then the first looked and saw a slight impression on his bed , and said , " Who has been treading on my bed ? " The others came running up and said , " And mine , and mine . " But the seventh , when he looked into his bed , saw Snowdrop , who lay there asleep . He called the others , who came up and cried out with astonishment , as they held their lights and gazed at Snowdrop . " Heavens ! what a beautiful child , " they said , and they were so delighted that they did not wake her up but left her asleep in bed . And the seventh Dwarf slept with his comrades , an hour with each all through the night . In the morning they went to the mountain and searched for copper and gold , and in the evening they came back and then their meal had to be ready . All day the maiden was alone , and the good Dwarfs warned her and said , " Beware of your stepmother , who will soon learn that you are here . Don 't let any one in . " She was dismayed , for she knew that the Glass told no lies , and she saw that the Hunter had deceived her and that Snowdrop still lived . Accordingly she began to wonder afresh how she might compass her death ; for as long as she was not the fairest in the land her jealous heart left her no rest . At last she thought of a plan . She dyed her face and dressed up like an old Pedlar , so that she was quite unrecognizable . In this guise she crossed over the seven mountains to the home of the seven Dwarfs and called out , " Wares for sale . " Not long after the seven Dwarfs came home , and were horror - struck when they saw their dear little Snowdrop lying on the floor without stirring , like one dead . When they saw she was laced too tight they cut the lace , whereupon she began to breathe and soon came back to life again . When the Dwarfs heard what had happened , they said that the old Pedlar was no other than the wicked Queen . " Take care not to let any one in when we are not here , " they said . When she heard it all her blood flew to her heart , so enraged was she , for she knew that Snowdrop had come back to life again . Then she thought to herself , " I must plan something which will put an end to her . " By means of witchcraft , in which she was skilled , she made a poisoned comb . Next she disguised herself and took the form of a different Old Woman . She crossed the mountains and came to the home of the seven Dwarfs , and knocked at the door calling out , " Good wares to sell . " Happily it was near the time when the seven Dwarfs came home . When they saw Snowdrop lying on the ground as though dead , they immediately suspected her stepmother , and searched till they found the poisoned comb . No sooner had they removed it than Snowdrop came to herself again and related what had happened . They warned her again to be on her guard , and to open the door to no one . When she heard the Glass speak these words she trembled and quivered with rage . " Snowdrop shall die , " she said , " even if it cost me my own life . " Thereupon she went into a secret room , which no one ever entered but herself , and made a poisonous apple . Outwardly it was beautiful to look upon , with rosy cheeks , and every one who saw it longed for it , but whoever ate of it was certain to die . When the apple was ready she dyed her face and dressed herself like an old Peasant Woman and so crossed the seven hills to the Dwarfs ' home . There she knocked . " It is all the same to me , " said the Peasant Woman . " I shall soon get rid of my apples . There , I will give you one . " Now the apple was so cunningly painted that the red half alone was poisoned . Snowdrop longed for the apple , and when she saw the Peasant Woman eating she could hold out no longer , stretched out her hand and took the poisoned half . Scarcely had she put a bit into her mouth than she fell dead to the ground . Then her jealous heart was at rest , as much at rest as a jealous heart can be . The Dwarfs , when they came at evening , found Snowdrop lying on the ground and not a breath escaped her lips , and she was quite dead . They lifted her up and looked to see whether any poison was to be found , unlaced her dress , combed her hair , washed her with wine and water , but it was no use ; their dear child was dead . They laid her on a bier , and all seven sat down and bewailed her and lamented over her for three whole days . Then they prepared to bury her , but she looked so fresh and living , and still had such beautiful rosy cheeks , that they said , " We cannot bury her in the dark earth . " And so they had a transparent glass coffin made , so that she could be seen from every side , laid her inside and wrote on it in letters of gold her name and how she was a King 's daughter . Then they set the coffin out on the mountain , and one of them always stayed by and watched it . And the birds came too and mourned for Snowdrop , first an owl , then a raven , and lastly a dove . Now Snowdrop lay a long , long time in her coffin , looking as though she were asleep . It happened that a Prince was wandering in the wood , and came to the home of the seven Dwarfs to pass the night . He saw the coffin on the mountain and lovely Snowdrop inside , and read what was written in golden letters . Then he said to the Dwarfs , " Let me have the coffin ; I will give you whatever you like for it . " The Prince bade his servants carry it on their shoulders . Now it happened that they stumbled over some brushwood , and the shock dislodged the piece of apple from Snowdrop 's throat . In a short time she opened her eyes , lifted the lid of the coffin , sat up and came back to life again completely . Then the wicked woman uttered a curse , and was so terribly frightened that she didn 't know what to do . Yet she had no rest : she felt obliged to go and see the young Queen . And when she came in she recognized Snowdrop , and stood stock still with fear and terror . But iron slippers were heated over the fire , and were soon brought in with tongs and put before her . And she had to step into the red - hot shoes and dance till she fell down dead . Many , many years ago lived an emperor , who thought so much of new clothes that he spent all his money in order to obtain them ; his only ambition was to be always well dressed . He did not care for his soldiers , and the theatre did not amuse him ; the only thing , in fact , he thought anything of was to drive out and show a new suit of clothes . He had a coat for every hour of the day ; and as one would say of a king " He is in his cabinet , " so one could say of him , " The emperor is in his dressing - room . " The great city where he resided was very gay ; every day many strangers from all parts of the globe arrived . One day two swindlers came to this city ; they made people believe that they were weavers , and declared they could manufacture the finest cloth to be imagined . Their colours and patterns , they said , were not only exceptionally beautiful , but the clothes made of their material possessed the wonderful quality of being invisible to any man who was unfit for his office or unpardonably stupid . " That must be wonderful cloth , " thought the emperor . " If I were to be dressed in a suit made of this cloth I should be able to find out which men in my empire were unfit for their places , and I could distinguish the clever from the stupid . I must have this cloth woven for me without delay . " And he gave a large sum of money to the swindlers , in advance , that they should set to work without any loss of time . They set up two looms , and pretended to be very hard at work , but they did nothing whatever on the looms . They asked for the finest silk and the most precious gold - cloth ; all they got they did away with , and worked at the empty looms till late at night . " I should very much like to know how they are getting on with the cloth , " thought the emperor . But he felt rather uneasy when he remembered that he who was not fit for his office could not see it . Personally , he was of opinion that he had nothing to fear , yet he thought it advisable to send somebody else first to see how matters stood . Everybody in the town knew what a remarkable quality the stuff possessed , and all were anxious to see how bad or stupid their neighbours were . The good old minister went into the room where the swindlers sat before the empty looms . " Heaven preserve us ! " he thought , and opened his eyes wide , " I cannot see anything at all , " but he did not say so . Both swindlers requested him to come near , and asked him if he did not admire the exquisite pattern and the beautiful colours , pointing to the empty looms . The poor old minister tried his very best , but he could see nothing , for there was nothing to be seen . " Oh dear , " he thought , " can I be so stupid ? I should never have thought so , and nobody must know it ! Is it possible that I am not fit for my office ? No , no , I cannot say that I was unable to see the cloth . " " Oh , it is very pretty , exceedingly beautiful , " replied the old minister looking through his glasses . " What a beautiful pattern , what brilliant colours ! I shall tell the emperor that I like the cloth very much . " " I am not stupid , " said the man . " It is therefore my good appointment for which I am not fit . It is very strange , but I must not let any one know it ; " and he praised the cloth , which he did not see , and expressed his joy at the beautiful colours and the fine pattern . " It is very excellent , " he said to the emperor . Everybody in the whole town talked about the precious cloth . At last the emperor wished to see it himself , while it was still on the loom . With a number of courtiers , including the two who had already been there , he went to the two clever swindlers , who now worked as hard as they could , but without using any thread . " Is it not magnificent ? " said the two old statesmen who had been there before . " Your Majesty must admire the colours and the pattern . " And then they pointed to the empty looms , for they imagined the others could see the cloth . " What is this ? " thought the emperor , " I do not see anything at all . That is terrible ! Am I stupid ? Am I unfit to be emperor ? That would indeed be the most dreadful thing that could happen to me . " " Really , " he said , turning to the weavers , " your cloth has our most gracious approval ; " and nodding contentedly he looked at the empty loom , for he did not like to say that he saw nothing . All his attendants , who were with him , looked and looked , and although they could not see anything more than the others , they said , like the emperor , " It is very beautiful . " And all advised him to wear the new magnificent clothes at a great procession which was soon to take place . " It is magnificent , beautiful , excellent , " one heard them say ; everybody seemed to be delighted , and the emperor appointed the two swindlers " Imperial Court weavers . " The whole night previous to the day on which the procession was to take place , the swindlers pretended to work , and burned more than sixteen candles . People should see that they were busy to finish the emperor 's new suit . They pretended to take the cloth from the loom , and worked about in the air with big scissors , and sewed with needles without thread , and said at last : " The emperor 's new suit is ready now . " The emperor and all his barons then came to the hall ; the swindlers held their arms up as if they held something in their hands and said : " These are the trousers ! " " This is the coat ! " and " Here is the cloak ! " and so on . " They are all as light as a cobweb , and one must feel as if one had nothing at all upon the body ; but that is just the beauty of them . " " How well they look ! How well they fit ! " said all . " What a beautiful pattern ! What fine colours ! That is a magnificent suit of clothes ! " " I am ready , " said the emperor . " Does not my suit fit me marvellously ? " Then he turned once more to the looking - glass , that people should think he admired his garments . The emperor marched in the procession under the beautiful canopy , and all who saw him in the street and out of the windows exclaimed : " Indeed , the emperor 's new suit is incomparable ! What a long train he has ! How well it fits him ! " Nobody wished to let others know he saw nothing , for then he would have been unfit for his office or too stupid . Never emperor 's clothes were more admired . " But he has nothing on at all , " said a little child at last . " Good heavens ! listen to the voice of an innocent child , " said the father , and one whispered to the other what the child had said . " But he has nothing on at all , " cried at last the whole people . That made a deep impression upon the emperor , for it seemed to him that they were right ; but he thought to himself , " Now I must bear up to the end . " And the chamberlains walked with still greater dignity , as if they carried the train which did not exist . But one day a terrible thing happened to the king . Down from the mountains , and straight through the gates of the city , came a ravening dragon ! It was black and horrible to look at , with eyes like two red coals and a mouth that breathed out fire . Its jaws were wide open , its claws were sharp , and it was as tall and huge as a forest tree . There was great grief in the kingdom . Each mother held her little girl more closely , lest she should be the first one to go , and there were great hunger and distress , for no one could plant or harvest the crops . But little Sabra still laughed and sang as joyously as ever . " Father , dear , " she cried , " let me be the first little girl to go . I know if the dragon has your little princess he will ask for no other child . I will go in their stead , father . " At last , the king 's high priest said : " We will bring a mother pigeon into the palace yard , and set her free . If she flies north , or south , or west , Sabra shall not be given to the dragon . If she flies toward the east and the sunrise Sabra shall go . " So they took a brooding pigeon from her nest , and set her free in the courtyard . She spread her white wings and circled about in the air , and then flew straight to the east ! Poor , sweet little Sabra ! They carried her out to the river bank and fastened her to the oak tree where the dragon could find her , that so she might save the other little girls . Then they went sorrowfully back to the city again . But the pigeon flew on and on , through field and forest , until she came to a brave knight riding through the woods . The knight was tired , and his good horse , also , for they had been in a far country and had fought many brave battles . He had stopped to rest under a tree , that his horse might drink at the spring - but , as he rested , the mother pigeon flew straight to his shoulder and began cooing softly in his ear . Straight through field and forest the pigeon flew , until she brought the knight to the place where the Princess Sabra was fastened to the oak tree and the dragon close by ready to devour her . The dragon 's breath was so hot that it burned the knight , and the smoke from its nostrils blinded his eyes , but he was brave and strong . He made a huge ball of the sticky pitch of the pine tree ; he thrust the end of his spear through it , and he rode straight toward the dragon 's angry jaws . The dragon reached out its sharp claws for the knight , but he hurled the ball of pitch down its throat and it was not able to open its mouth again or use its poisonous fangs . Then the knight killed the dragon with his spear , and he unfastened the little princess . He lifted her to his saddle and carried her home to her father once more . Oh , there was great rejoicing in the kingdom ! The people crowded the streets and strewed flowers all the way for the knight to ride over . The old king held little Sabra close to his heart , and she put her arms about his neck and kissed him again and again . And the king said the knight should be called St . George , and he gave him a wonderful gold cross to wear upon his breast . Well , once upon a time a Coyote and his family lived near the edge of a wood . There was a big hollow tree there , and in it lived an old Woodpecker and his wife and children . One day as the Coyote - father was strolling along the edge of the forest he met the Woodpecker - father . So that evening , when the Coyote - mother had made supper ready , there came the Woodpecker - father and the Woodpecker - mother with their three children . When they had come in , all five of the Woodpeckers stretched themselves as they do after flying , and by that showed their pretty feathers - for the Hloo - rée - deh has yellow and red marks under its wings . While , they were eating supper , too , they sometimes spread their wings , and displayed their bright under - side . They praised the supper highly , and said the Coyote - mother was a perfect housekeeper . When it was time to go , they thanked the Coyotes very kindly and invited them to come to supper at their house the following evening . But when they were gone , the Coyote - father could hold himself no longer , and he said : " Did you see what airs those Woodpeckers put on ? Always showing off their bright feathers ? But I want them to know that the Coyotes are equal to them . I 'll show them ! " But the Coyotes were very uncomfortable , and made an excuse to hurry home as soon as they could . When they got there , the Coyote - father whipped them all for exposing him to be laughed at . But the Woodpecker - father gathered his children around him , and said : " Now , my children , you see what the Coyotes have done . Never in your life try to appear what you are not . Be just what you really are , and put on no false colors . " The thunder was an old mother sheep , and the lightning was her son , a ram . Whenever the ram got angry he used to go about and burn houses and knock down trees ; he even did damage on the farms , and sometimes killed people . Whenever the lightning did these things , his mother used to call out to him in a very loud voice to stop and not to do any more damage ; but the lightning did not care in the least for what his mother said , and when he was in a bad temper used to do a very large amount of damage . At last the people could not stand it any longer , and complained to the king . So the people complained again , and the king banished both the lightning and the thunder from the earth and made them live in the sky , where they could not cause so much destruction . Ever since , when the lightning is angry , he commits damage as before , but you can hear his mother , the thunder , rebuking him and telling him to stop . Sometimes , however , when the mother has gone away some distance from her naughty son , you can still see that he is angry and is doing damage , but his mother 's voice cannot be heard . A great gathering of animals was held : Lion , Tiger , Wolf , Jackal , Elephant , all of them came together . What was to be done ? That was the question . One had this plan , and another had that ; but no plan seemed of value . Good ! Everyone was satisfied and ready to begin instantly , excepting Rabbit , who said , " I will not go and dance . All of you are mad to attempt to get water from the ground by dancing . " The other animals danced and danced , and ultimately danced the water to the surface . How glad they were . Everyone drank as much as he could , but Rabbit did not dance with them . So it was decided that Rabbit should have no water . That evening he proceeded leisurely to the river bed where the dance had been , and drank as much as he wanted . The following morning the animals saw the footprints of Rabbit in the ground , and Rabbit shouted to them : " Aha ! I did have some of the water , and it was most refreshing and tasted fine . " Quickly all the animals were called together . What were they to do ? How were they to get Rabbit in their hands ? All had some means to propose ; the one suggested this , and the other that . Rabbit during the evening came to get a drink . " Ha ! " he chuckled sarcastically , " they are , after all , quite decent . Here they have placed a stone , so now I need not unnecessarily wet my feet . " Rabbit trod with his left foot on the stone , and there it stuck . Tortoise then put his head out . " Ha ! old Tortoise ! And it 's you , is it , that 's holding me . But here I still have another foot . I 'll give you a good clout . " Rabbit gave Tortoise what he said he would with his right fore foot , hard and straight ; and there his foot remained . " I have yet a hind foot , and with it I 'll kick you . " Rabbit drove his bind foot down . This also rested on Tortoise where it struck . Now advice was sought . What should they do with Rabbit ? He certainly must die . But how ? One said , " Behead him " ; another , " Some severe penalty . " Good ! Lion should do it . He stood up , walked to the front , and poor Rabbit was brought to him . Rabbit pleaded and beseeched that he couldn 't die such a miserable death . Lion took Rabbit firmly by the tail and swung him around . The white skin slipped off from Rabbit , and there Lion stood with the white bit of skin and hair in his paw . Rabbit was free . A WHITE MAN , it is said , met Snake upon whom a large stone had fallen and covered her so that she could not rise . The White Man lifted the stone off Snake , but when he had done so , she wanted to bite him . The White Man said , " Stop ! let us both go first to some wise people . " They went to Hyena , and the White Man asked him , " Is it right that Snake should want to bite me , when I helped her as she lay under a stone and could not rise ? " Jackal replied , " I do not believe that Snake could be covered by a stone so she could not rise . Unless I saw it with my two eyes , I would not believe it . Therefore , come let us go and see the place where you say it happened whether it can be true . " Snake did so , and the White Man covered her with the stone ; but although she exerted herself very much , she could not rise . Then the White Man wanted again to release Snake , but Jackal interfered , and said , " Do not lift the stone . She wanted to bite you , therefore she may rise by herself . " HUNGER and want forced Monkey one day to forsake his land and to seek elsewhere among strangers for much - needed work . Bulbs , earth beans , scorpions , insects , and such things were completely exhausted in his own land . But fortunately he received , for the time being , shelter with a great uncle of his , Orang Outang , who lived in another part of the country . They made a good meal together , but instead of Wolf being thankful , jealousy overmastered him and he begged for the bow and arrow . When Monkey refused to give it to him , he thereupon began to threaten him with his greater strength , and so when Jackal passed by , Wolf told him that Monkey had stolen his bow and arrow . After Jackal had heard both of them , he declared himself unqualified to settle the case alone , and he proposed that they bring the matter to the court of Lion , Tiger , and the other animals . In the meantime he declared he would take possession of what had been the cause of their quarrel , so that it would be safe , as he said . But he immediately brought to earth all that was eatable , so there was a long time of slaughter before Monkey and Wolf agreed to have the affair in court . Over and over , quicker and quicker , sounded the tune of " Cockcrow " on the charmed fiddle , until some of the dancers , exhausted , fell down , although still keeping their feet in motion . But Monkey , musician as he was , heard and saw nothing of what had happened around him . With his head placed lovingly against the instrument , and his eyes half closed , he played on , keeping time ever with his foot . A LONG , long time ago there were two countries adjoining each other and one was a little smaller than the other . The king of the farther and bigger country was named Gezongongdu , and the king of the smaller country was named Drashi . The king of the larger country thought he would like to make the smaller country subject to himself . " But first , " he said , " I want to see if their king is very wily and wise . If he isn 't I can conquer him ; but if he is , I shall not attempt it . " He took a mare and a colt that were exactly alike in color and size and asked the king to decide which was mare and which was colt . The head - men came first and looked and looked and couldn 't tell at all . One of them went home and told his wife and she said , " That 's easy , I 'll tell you how to do it . You make a manger and put some grass in it for them . The mother will keep pushing the food over toward the colt . " Sure enough it happened as she said it would , so they were able to answer the king 's first riddle . The next day the king sent a stick shaped the same at both ends and asked them to tell which was the top and which the root . The men all came and looked and looked again , but couldn 't tell . The same head - man told his wife and she said , " That 's easy , throw it into the water and the head will go down stream first and the root will come last . " They did so and the problem was solved for the king that day . Then the king of the larger country sent over two snakes , male and female , and none of the wise men could tell them apart . The head - man again went to his wife and she said , " That 's easy , take a piece of silk and place it near them , the female will think it is nice and soft and she will lie down on it , curl up and go to sleep ; but the male will run away and refuse to sleep . " They did that and it all came true just as she said . So the king of the big country decided he didn 't want to fight the king of the small country , for he was too smart . But the little king knew he had been saved from war and called up his head - man and asked him how he had got all these things right when everybody else had failed . He answered that he didn 't know anything about these things , it was his wife . So the king called the head - man 's wife and gave her many gifts and made her husband chief head - man of his kingdom . The tale of Loku is applied to a large , ugly lizard which climbs to the rafters of houses and gives the peculiar cry that suggests its name . This lizard , although hideous , is harmless ; it lives on centipedes . Its strange cry may be heard everywhere in the Philippine Islands . Hundreds of years ago a very wicked king named Loku ruled the Philippines . He was cruel and unjust , and condemned to death all who refused to do his bidding . He had vast armies and made war on all until his name was feared everywhere . The cruel king paid no heed , but dismissed the holy messenger in scorn . " Tell your master , " said he , " to deliver his message in person . I do not deal with messengers . I am Loku . All fear my name . I am the great Loku . " Hardly had he spoken when the palace shook to its foundations and a mighty voice thundered , " Is it thus thou Slightest my word ? Thou art Loku . All shall indeed know thy name . From every crevice thou shalt forever cry it in a form that suits thy ill nature . " As for Loku , you may still hear him fulfilling his punishment . From crack and crevice , tree and shrub , he calls his name from dark till dawn : " Lok - u ! Lok - u ! Lok - u ! " |
Today I went to a Karen Holik seminar . It was just a 1 / 2 day seminar . We started around 9am . It was kinda chilly this morning but once the sun came out it quickly warmed up to about 70 degrees . There were 6 people and dog ( BC , Rotti , lab , boxer , boykin spaniel , and miley ) teams . All the dogs were a little crazy at the beginning of the seminar . Miley was over the top . Taking jumps , tunnels and just doing her own thing . Then when I tried to get her under control and bring her to me , the circling started . Ugh ! It was embarrassing . Everyone elses dogs seem to settle down quickly except Miley . I 'm suppose to take her to our club trial this weekend and boy was I having second thoughts . I have no control of my dog and I 'm sure everyone there agreed . The guy with the border collie was glad I was there . His dog kept running away , so with Miley circling , he didn 't look to bad . Miley finally settled down by 11am . After that she ran great . Karen asked me , it that she usually runs . And I said yes . Even with all the circling , Karen did say she thought Miley was going to be a great dog . One of the biggest things I got out of this seminar , was I need to do obedience with Miley . But really , I had already come to this conclusion . This just brought it home . Ive always hated obedience but I need to become a better team member . She thinks I should put the circling on cue . Her dog Sizzle did do tight circles around her , but she could stop it , and I cant . Tonight she is giving a lecture and will talk more about getting herding behavior under control . Another key point that she teaches in all her puppy classes it to get your dog to look at you . Call you dog 's name and when they look at you , click and treat . Once you have that , start moving around and call there name , click and treat for them looking at you . After the dog really gets the hang of this and they are out in the yard or doing other things , call their name . When they look at you , click and they will start coming to you to get their treat . And when they start coming , then putPosted by Its been raining for the last 4 days . Saturday it wasn 't raining first thing in the morning , but we were suppose to have a down pour all day . So first I took the dogs to the State Park for a nice long walk . Right when I got back to the car it started raining . My timing was just right . Then I decided to go watch some nationals on Saturday because what else could I do with all the rain . Stephanie decided to go with me and we left around 10am . It rained all the way up but not so bad you couldn 't see out the window . We got there about 12 : 30 . They had signs up that said parking was 3 dollars but no one was taking money when we got there . We sat in the main arena , but I couldn 't see the weaves from where I was , but I didn 't want to move . Stephanie was excited because the dog , or one of the dogs , from " Marley and Me " was there and you could meet him . She is obsessed with fame . Marley is famous and of course he was touched by Jennifer Aniston and Owen Williams . That made me laugh . I told her there was someone more famous then Marley walking the course right now . She said who . I told her Greg Luganis . She said , " Who 's that " . So then I told her , she wasn 't to impressed . You know the dog was touched by famous people . Hard to compete with that . The picture above is her with Marley , which I 'm sure you guessed . Anyway , I got to see a lot of runs . Its so fun to watch people 's dogs who are smoking the course . I wish I had tape some of the runs so I could analyze them when I got home . Like Marcus Topps run . He makes it look like he isn 't even working hard . Yet he dogs gets such a fast time . I love how his dog reads him so well . I wonder if its all body language or if he is giving verbal cues too when he is running a jumpers course . I also saw this lady run a golden retriever that was awesome . She had some type of disability and couldn 't run . Her dog had such distance . They were running to the final jump and the dog couldn 't see the handler and stop right before the last jump ( which was a double or a triple ) , then he must have sPosted by You think ? On Wednesday I took Miley to the underwater treadmill and she did terrible . She walked really slow . And then after 13 minutes she refused to walk anymore . But while in the UWTM ( underwater treadmill ) her gait was normal . I had brought Natural Balance Rolls dog food . We use that a lot when training agility . She usually likes it . But not when doing the UWTM . She wouldn 't come to me . It was so weird . The vet had a piece of chicken that seem to work somewhat . But then when I had to go back to my stuff , she ( Miley ) made a terrible face like I gave her tar to eat . So we took her out of the UWTM and called it a day . When waiting to pay , I saw blood on the floor . I didn 't think it was Mileys blood but she did stop in the treadmill a few seconds before it was turned off . The building also does orthopedic surgery , so blood on the floor wouldn 't be unheard of . I checked Miley 's foot . There was nothing there . But then the vet saw me checking her and got concerned and came out and asked if she was limping . I said , " no , I 'm just a worrier " . But when I got home I was freaked out . Did she refuse to walk because it was hurting her ? Did I run her through agility to hard the day before ? I gave her 1 / 2 a Rimadyl and didn 't let her do anything that night . Then next morning I walked her and didn 't see anything wrong . Then the real test . I took her to the park . The one with the steps that are wide and will show a problem , if there was one . Side story : I had this cat when I was a kid . After she would eat , she would go around her bowl , scratching the floor like she was covering up her food . She would make a complete circle and then turn around and look at the bowl . Well , of course the food wasn 't covered up . So she would start again . She would do this about 4 to 5 times . Each time turning around to see that the bowl wasn 't covered . So the final time she would work , scratching the floor all the way around the bowl and just wouldn 't look back . She probably thought , " If I don 't look back , it must be covered " . That 's how I wantPosted by So , Little Miss Miley has bee breaking her start line a lot . Is she just so excited to be running the course she cant control herself ? Is it something I 'm doing ? Ive been really trying to reward heavily when she stays . I try to be mindful of walking back to her when she does stay . I 'm sure the dogs learn that the farther out you go , the less likely the reward . Ive been just doing a two jump lead out , at the most . So yesterday she broke several times even with rewarding when staying . I finally started throwing the chicken to her , which seem to help . I could tell her body relaxed when she leaned over to find the chicken . The only problem is that if your throw isn 't great , your dog may move . One time she did have to stand up to get the treat but did stay in the same spot . Is that ok ? I really don 't want this to become an issue . And me worrying about it , makes it an issue . Maybe she isn 't trusting me because I 'm not trusting her . Ive been reading through Clean Run looking for something to jump out at me as the problem , but nothing yet . I do make her wait in her crate to be released and sometimes we practice waiting at doors , but all the time . Any suggetions ? This was a set up I did today with Miley . Keep in mind we really haven 't practice for a couple of months . She did pretty good . My handling needs help . I don 't like the arm flinging thing I 'm doing . Its very choppy looking . Its probably confusing to the dog . She did drop some bars , but the were all on crosses . I did more than what is on the video . I first did the set up that is from clean run March of 09 . Its the Power Paws Drills , Seminar Sets by Nancy Gyes , set number 3 . In the end I change the bottom of the sequence to be a pinwheel . ( not on video ) One thing I noticed that I did was try to rear cross after the jump to turn her into the pinwheel . You wouldn 't rear cross in front of the jump the dog just took . So I let the dog go by and then rear crossed . I don 't know why I did that . I didn 't even realize that is what I did until I watched the video . I know I also did that at the trial in January , with the same results . The dog didn 't understand the cue . Ugh ! I will have to watch that . My computer is still having problems . The audio device keeps deleting its self . Plus other problems . I may have to send it in to be fixed . I probably wont get much practice in the next 5 days , its suppose to rain everyday . I hope they are wrong . On Sunday I may go up to North Carolina and watch the AKC agility nationals . It wont be that close again for a long time . Posted by So I took Miley to the training field on Sunday . I ran her across the dogwalk 4 times . The first time I was so busy watching her gait that I forgot to say " touch " and she ran off the end of the dogwalk . I was thinking , " crap , what happened ? " But then I remembered that I didn 't tell her anything . She was so proud of herself too . So we repeated it . The next three times she stopped . I didn 't see anything abnormal in her gait . The only thing I may have noticed was she didn 't run as fast as she use to . But that could just be from not running it in such a long time . Plus it probably didn 't help that I messed up the first time and that made her slow down the rest of the times . I did do some sequencing with her . She did very well . She only dropped one bar and I think that was my fault , I was late . We are very rusty and I was way late on many of my calls . She ran by the weave poles the first time but then did them all the second time . We were only there a total of 15 minutes and she wasn 't working the whole 15 min . It was definitely the longest she had worked in a long time . The rest of the day she seem much more a peace with her life then she has since this started . She did break her start line stay several times . Ugh ! The only other thing that I thought looked weird was her gait at the end . I 'm trying to post it here . We will see if it up loads . I tried all day to up load the video and it just wouldn 't work . The first video is of her gait at normal speed . ( I know she is circling but I wanted my husband to be able to get it on video with her gaiting naturally ) If I can I will up load the slower gait video too . But the video will be much shorter because blogger cant handle the video . I couldn 't up load the video of the slow gait . I watched the above video frame by frame . I didn 't see anything unusual . She was using her foot / leg normally . Both extending and contracting completely normal . I don 't know why it looks so weird . I will show it to the vet today and see what she thinks . I took Guiness to freestyle class last night . Posted by First I would like to say I 'm going to have to fire the house elfs . They didn 't come last night and clean my kitchen . What is up with that ! Next here is some a - frame ground work I did last night . The first run her back leg wasn 't inside the box but I rewarded because I didn 't notice it until I watched the video . The next run I started adding equipment . I added a tunnel . She jumps over the box . WooHoo , cant slow down . But after that she seems to get it together . Today I took the dogs for a long walk at the park . It was freezing when I first got there but then got better once we go moving . Later in the afternoon I worked Miley for a short session . Just some weave poles and once through the a - frame ground work . Here is that video . Do anyone know if its ok if you dog is just getting into the box . Should she be jumping right in the middle of the box ? Anyway , tomorrow is D day . I 'm going to take her to the training field and have her get on the dogwalk and see if she does that weird gait . Posted by Ricky asked what a pacing gait was . It is when the dog moves the front and rear leg on the same side of the body at the same time . Here is a youtube video of a dog with a pacing gait . http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = af6QV0Rt1os A trot is what you see most dogs doing in the conformation ring . Hope that helps . Someone posted a message to me about the running A - Frame . She didnt want me to post her message on my site . I tried to email her my reply but it kept gettin rejected . So I hope she doesnt mind but here is my reply . So far I like the running a - frame . I had tried it before but I used the information from an article in Clean run and I didnt have all the information I needed to teach it properly . I now have the DVD which has a lot more information in it . She also added more ground work to make sure your dog really knows what they are doing . Right now I just have her doing the 2 jumps to the box . I would recommend video taping it every session . You think they are doing it correctly but when I went back and looked at the tape she wasnt . Rachal tells you what to look for in the DVD and how to fix things that happen . Like if the dog jumps the box or if they are putting to many strides in between the last jump and the box . I wont put the box on the a - frame until I can do front crosses and rear crosses with the stuff on the ground . She also says you need to run sequences witht he jumps and box on the ground . So , send your dog to the tunnel and then into the ground work set up . She definitly gives you a lot more ground work to do with the DVD then she did with the first article that was in clean run . Thats as far as I have gotten in the DVD . I hope that helps . So Tuesday everything seemed to be going a usual . I had to be a a nursing staff meeting a 3pm . I figured , no problem . The kids leave school at 2 : 30 , so I should be able to leave school and get to the meeting . Well at 2 : 15 I get a call that there is a student in the stair well with chest pains and cant breath . ( you wouldn 't believe how many 6th graders have chest pain ) At the same time I get a call over the walkie that there is a student in the gym that maybe having a seizure . Well I cant be in both places at the same time . I decided that breathing comes before seizure especially since it sound like if it were a seizure , is was a staring seizure . So I figured I would go by the stair well , check on the breath kid . If she is truly having problems I would call 911 and then send someone to go see the other kid in the gym . Well I assess the breathing kid . She seems find , breathing wise , I think she was just hyperventilating . I have someone take her in the wheel chair to the health room and I go on to see the sizure kid . I don 't think she had a seizure since even thought she wouldn 't talk to them she would follow commands . You cant follow commands when your having a seizure . I had her walk with me to the health room . I called her mom and she agreed with me that it wasn 't a seizure . The other kid calmed down and was sent home . I finally got the the meeting . When the meeting finished at 5pm , I went home . That 's the day Guiness got so muddy . When I got home I let the dogs out and started grilling chicken on the grill . I don 't know how Guiness got so muddy . He must have fallen in this big mud hole at the bottom of the yard . I finished cooking dinner and then decided I would clean Miley first since she was only dirty on the bottom half and then get to Guiness . I had Miley in the shower cleaning her up when my son came home . The back door was shut , so he thought I was in the back yard working the dogs . He opened the back door and Guiness come flying in and runs through the house . Jumps right on my bed . It was chaos at my houPosted by It took forever to get this to load . I first tired it with my other program and had it slowed down but it just wouldn 't upload . Ugh ! So anyway , this about the extent of our agility training right now . I decided to try Miley with a running a - frame but then a 2o / 2o dogwalk . We will see what happens . Right now things are looking good . Ive been video taping all the sessions . After watching the first session with the two low jumps and the box , I saw that she was putting an extra stride between the last jump and the box . I want her to be a 2 stride on the down because I know when she goes to a trial she is excited and will change to a 2 stride . Well really , she would like it to be one stride . Hit and jump off high . But I 'm hoping for a 2 stride on the down . I can now really see what holes were in my training last time and hopefully I 'm fixing them . Last night at dinner I asked my husband and my daughter if they saw Miley limping when she has been running around the house . Do you know what they both said at the same time , " she 's a maniac " . Then my husband said , " She runs around as fast as she can , jumping , spinning , who the hell can see anything she is doing " . Not really the answer I was looking for . I really wouldn 't use the word maniac to describe Miley at all . Guiness , yes but not Miley . She is just excited and happy . You can make her stop easily by calling her name . Now Guiness , a bike goes by and he is crazy . Try calling him off , not to easy . Someone comes to the door , maniac dog ! Today Miley 's underwater treadmill session went really well . I brought a harness for her and it worked great . She really didn 't like the life vest from last week . Today she was focused and moving . She didn 't have any problems . To bad I have to work tomorrow . The rehab and Vet . referral service are taking pictures for their web site tomorrow at 9am and they wanted Miley for the pictures . Ahh to bad . Three days of rain . Im really hoping is stops tomorrow . Posted by Today is my husband and I 20th Anniversary . So I posted some pictures from when we got married . I couldn 't get them to scan in right so I just took pictures of the pictures with my camera . We went to the justice of the peace with a few friends and family . Then we all went out for a nice dinner . Our honeymoon was in Cancun . Its hard to believe its been 20 years . My poor husband has aged but I look exactly the same . LOL Just kidding . Love is : Your husband spending over 2 hours on a Saturday night fixing your computer . You some how deleted the audio device on your computer . Your husband tries to fix it then has to go to a HP chat room to get technical support . After emailing you 2 audio devices , it works again . That 's love . I 'm the luckiest person in the world . Posted by Here is Miley with her life jacket on . We put her in the pool first . She did ok . I wouldn 't say she loved it , but she did swim . But most of the time she didn 't use her back feet . I think the life jacket kept her so buoyant that she didn 't really have to try very hard . Next time we might just put a harness on her and see how it goes . The good news was she did much better in the underwater treadmill . We got the speed up to 1 . 4 mph . I had treats to keep her moving forward . ( I did last time too , but it wasn 't as effective . ) One thing Miley needs to learn is to chew and walk . I would break the treats into tiny pieces . Once she ate one , she would stop walking and ride the treadmill to the back . She couldn 't walk and chew . It was kinda funny . We are hoping next time we can get her up to a trot . On Thursday I let her just run around the backyard and chase Guiness . I wanted to see if it made any difference when she would go for walks the next day . I left her be wild . The next day on the walk , no skips or weird gaits . So today , because its cold and rainy , Ive been throwing the toy down the hall . We haven 't done that in about 7 weeks . So far everything seems fine . I have been doing a little agility . Just having her run the down part of the contact of the dogwalk . Going to find the entry of 2 weaves poles that are open at 8 and 2 o ' clock . Once this week I let her run a a pinwheel of low jumps with one rear cross and one front cross . Its so funny , when I tell her " all done " . She just stands there staring at me like , " what , you are kidding me right ? Hey , where are you going we just got started " . Its been hot this week . I think its been about 85 degrees all week . Tuesday it was so humid the dogs were just laying around . I kept thinking maybe Miley was hurting because she didn 't want to run around or play . But I think it was the humidity . Yesterday it was still 85 but no humidity and the dogs seem back to normal . Miley even stood in her little pool a couple of times . Yesterday Miley went to rehab . She really isn 't enjoying the underwater treadmill . I don 't know how to make it more fun for her . They tried to increase the speed and she just couldn 't get it . She would speed up , like she was trying to catch up to me and then go back to her slower pace . And that would make her fall behind and end up at the back of the treadmill . The vet felt she just didn 't understand what she needs to do . So Friday we will put a life jacket on her . This will give us more control of her so that we can encourage her to increase the speed . We will also let her go in the pool and see if she thinks that is more fun . I don 't want her to think this is torture . This morning I was walking the dogs and we had walk passed the usual spot where I usually see Miley have an off gait or skip . Guess what , I didn 't see anything . We walked up into the cul - de - sac and I was thinking to myself , " Maybe she is getting better " . Right when I thought that , she took a huge skip . Ugh ! I looked down at the ground and there was a large pebble on the ground . Did she step on it ? I don 't know . I saw two tiny skips farther along in the walk . Now , I don 't think I over did things yesterday . The only thing she did yesterday was go to rehab . I didn 't do either walk . The morning one , I was just to tired and decided to sleep an extra hour . I didn 't do the evening one because she had done the underwater treadmill . I did let her run in the yard a bit , but nothing excessive . But . . . . . . When I looked at my notebook where I keep her progress recorded , I read something that I forgot about . Tuesday I decided to let her do a little agility . I figured the teeter was safe . ( I kPosted by This is a small sample of my daughters room . Talk about creativity . If you could see the whole thing you would think I was crazy . But out of that comes this : She made this at school today . Its a picture of my mom and dad . I thought it was great . ( Please dont copy unless you are someone in my family . ) Thanks So Miley did well all weekend . I didn 't see any problems . We went to the park again on Sunday and walked even more of the up and down hills . No problems . Today we went back to rehab and I was warming her up in the parking lot and she skipped . Maybe her foot is sensitive . She did the treadmill ok but really didn 't seem into it . She kinda lagged behind and had to be encouraged to come forward more . But not limping or off loading weight . She just seem distracted . Go figure . Last night I took Guiness to the freestyle class . There were only 2 of us there . We worked on sequencing which helps the dogs learn the tricks better . My big mistake was cutting Guiness 's nails that morning . We also worked on alternating paws touching my hands and then legs ( with your hands on your legs ) . So now my hands are all scratched up . He wasn 't trying to be rough , it was just his nails didn 't have time to get the ruff edges off . That 's was a big mistakes . Looks like Ive been in a cat fight . Sometimes I have to make myself go to class but once I 'm there , I have a good time and enjoy it . Also last night Micky had a seizure . I hate seizures , in dogs and people . Its just such a helpless feeling to watch them go through that and there is really nothing you can do . It is usually over in a couple of minutes but it feels like forever . Poor Mickey . He hasn 't had one in over a year so I 'm not sure what was up with that . He is awake during his seizures and just gets really stiff . No jerking . Although last night he cried for the first time during his seizure . I just hold him until its over . Then he gets down , shakes himself off and trots away . Its kinda funny . Like , " Man , I 'm glad that 's done . " This next part is for Dawn who asked me what box work I was talking about . Sometimes in agility , people refer to box work when they are talking about jumps . Setting 4 jumps up so they look like a box and you practice front and rear crosses and other things . But also there is a way to teach a running contact where you build a box made out of PVC . First you teach Posted by This morning we walked the state park . ( I guess you figured since I posted a new blog header ) We got there around 9am and it was packed . Even in South Carolina they are having spring fever . Its not like this is the first warm day we have had all winter . The first parking lot was full . I figured , " Great , tons of bikes " . I thought we would be ok if we just stayed mostly on the spider women trail . The bikes don 't go on that trail to often because its very hilly and some of the paths are narrow . But today we had 8 bikes on the spider women trail . It makes life difficult because Guiness goes crazy when the bikes go by . So much for a nice , peaceful walk . We did see a beaver swimming in the water . The water looked rough , I guess all the rain and snow was coming through . It didn 't seem to bother the beaver . We walked most of the spider women trial but not all . I didn 't want to over due Miley . We finished without any skipping or leg flicking . Yea . It was already warm this morning and I wasn 't well prepared with water for the dogs to drink . Several times they went down to the creek for water . Both Miley and Guiness went and stood in the creek . I figured Guiness was hot . He never gets his feet wet . He will always walk around any puddles of water . Miley always trots through them . I let Miley run a few jumps this morning . That made her and me happy . I didn 't see any problems . We also did some box work . Which she must remember from before because she picked it up easily . This afternoon its very hot , 85 degrees . The dogs are in shock . Miley is looking for shade so I filled up the baby pool for her . That 's how it is in South Carolina . We usually don 't have Spring or Fall . Just Summer and Winter . I did watch some of the activities at Crufts . How great is the computer and technology that we can now watch Live dogs shows in England . I watched some of the freestyle competition . I really only like watching the dogs and people that have fast music . The slow stuff is boring to me . What I really liked was the guy who gave a small demonstDiana Today I still let Miley run around the back yard but only for a few minutes . I did have my husband video tape her when she chased a toy . I wanted to have the rehab vet watch the video and make sure her gait was ok . Sometimes I think she is bunny hopping . So I got the video and off we went to the rehab vet . When I got there I walked her around outside to warm her up . Its on a paved parking lot and I noticed some little pebbles . So guess what happened ? She skipped a couple of times . So off we go into the building . I talked to the vet about the foot flick yesterday and the skip just now . she had me walk her again and watched . But you know that weird thing that happens when you go to the vet . The dog doesn 't do it . LOL Then we put the dog in the underwater treadmill . She did great . Nothing noticed in the treadmill . You can look under the water and watch the feet and gait . Perfect the whole time . She even increased the speed the last 2 minutes . I also had her watch the video . Once I slowed the video down you could then see that the dog was not bunny hopping at all . It was just hard to see when she is running and stuff . She thought Miley looked great . Had great extension and she didnt feel this was a dog havingpain . She feels that there is just a little laxity in her knee that may sometimes cause a funny feeling in her leg . Like something is off . She also told me Miley could have a sensitive spot on her foot . And next time check her foot and see if anything is on it . Make note of what surface we are on and what we were doing then and before that . Which I feel like I have been doing . Have a note book that I keep Miley 's daily activities , exercises and symptoms in . I have been charting it since Feb . 21st . I told the vet that it has now been 6 weeks since this started , should I be worried . She said not at all . It can take months to build the knee up to what we need . Also she told me to do a little agility but nothing repetitive . I think she is a good vet . She did her rehab training at the University of Tenn . and so did Posted by http : / / cal . vet . upenn . edu / projects / saortho / index . html This is a very good book on orthopedics in dogs . One thing that I found interesting was when he did an x - ray of a joint and then did the x - ray with the jointed stressed . The first x - ray looked normal but in the stressed x - ray , you could see the problem . Anyway , in case you have nothing better to do then read a text book on canine orthopedics . Here is the site . Miley seemed to be doing really well . She had her underwater treadmill treatment on Wednesday . She did well and didn 't seem sore or tired that night . She actually seemed to feel better than she had in a long time . She was a little crazy in the house and maybe that was the problem . I have been increasing her activity . On Tuesday I let her run around the backyard for about 2 min and did that again on Wednesday . So since she had been doing well , I let her run around the backyard for about 10 - 15 min . I watched her the whole time and I didn 't see anything . Later that evening I took her to the park to walk . Within the first 1 / 4th of the walk she did something . It was hard to see because she is walking in front of me and she has all that fuzzy butt hair . But it looked like she picked her leg up and shook it . I saw the butt hair fling out twice . I didn 't see anything else the rest of the walk . That night she could still sit in a nice tuck sit and a nice sit up with again her legs tucked in nicely . Was able to stand on her back legs like usual . So I don 't know what happened . This morning when I walked her , her gait was a little off on the first part of the walk . Not the whole time , just for a few seconds . Nothing that I can really tell you what she is doing . So I guess we have taken a step back . I don 't know if she over did it on Wednesday when she seemed to feel so good . Or if me letting her run to much in the back yard did it . I guess I need to be more careful . ( I 'm trying to be positive and not let this set back take me over the edge - which is really what is happening . LOL ) That 's right . We got no snow . Not one flipping snow flake . So now I have to make up another day for nothing . Ugh ! ! I changed Miley 's rehab appt . to this morning since I didn 't have to go to work . Well Guiness just knocked the pan of spaghetti sauce off the stove and on to the kitchen floor . I called for help from my family but they didn 't come . Good thing I wasn 't dying . I finally gathered up the dogs so there wasn 't a feeding frenzy and locked them up . I cleaned it up the best I could . There is a big throw run in the kitchen and I cleaned it with a carpet cleaning vacuum . Well now there is no dinner for my husband and daughter because they hadn 't eaten yet . And Guiness is locked in his crate because I 'm mad at him . Back to Miley 's appt . She examined Miley and couldn 't get her to react to anything she did . She got great extension and flexion in her legs . She looked at the x - rays . She had me walk her up and back to watch her gait . She said she didn 't see anything abnormal in her gait . She feels its either just a stretched ligament or maybe a muscle injury . She also thought it could be a luxating patella , although she said the patellas were tight , with no movement . She wants me to increase the Miley 's activity level . She gave me a bunch of exercises to do with her . I 'm to alternate he exercises on different days . She also wants me to start her on the physio ball to strengthen her core muscles . This will help with jumping . She will use her core muscle to help her jump and not make her legs do all the work . We put her in the underwater treadmill . She increased the speed to . 8mph and the water level was at 7 inches . Miley did really well . She didn 't limp or show any signs of any problems . Afterwards I didn 't see anything either . But when we go home , she off loaded some weight off the leg a few times . I put a heat pack on her leg for 10 minutes . ( and she let me and just laid there ) after that she seemed good . She did take a nap , which probably helped too . Then this afternoon we walked at the park . The one with the hilPosted by This video was from Friday appt . , second time on the treadmill . They put a leash on her because in the morning , she was riding the treadmill to the back and stood where it wasn 't moving . Sneaky huh ? She did really well on Friday . Friday night at home she seem very good . I didn 't seen any leg problems . Saturday I cancelled my appointment . Where were suppose to get severe weather and I didn 't want to be driving in it . But we just got lots and lots of rain . It stopped for a short while and I took the dogs for a walk . I really didn 't see anything specifically wrong with her gait . Just this little hop , but not with her feet it was more in her hip . It was so slight , I kept saying to my husband , " Did you see that ? " . " No " I think I 'm making myself crazy . I did decrease the Rimadyl to once a day on Saturday . On Sunday no walks . Its been raining a lot . We are suppose to get snow . They are saying between 1 - 5 inches . So guess what ? They closed school already . Its been raining all day . What if they are wrong ? And I cant believe it but this school system has no emergency days built into the calender . So the last snow day they called off , I have to make up on my own time . Stay late and make up the time or take a personal day . I don 't have a personal day for this type of thing . My personal days are for agility , dog or kid stuff . An now they have called school already and I will have to make up this day too . I get seven personal days for the year and they think I should use two for this . They better hope it snows ! ! Has anyone used or know someone who has used Cartrophen for knee injuries ? Posted by |
Today I went to a Karen Holik seminar . It was just a 1 / 2 day seminar . We started around 9am . It was kinda chilly this morning but once the sun came out it quickly warmed up to about 70 degrees . There were 6 people and dog ( BC , Rotti , lab , boxer , boykin spaniel , and miley ) teams . All the dogs were a little crazy at the beginning of the seminar . Miley was over the top . Taking jumps , tunnels and just doing her own thing . Then when I tried to get her under control and bring her to me , the circling started . Ugh ! It was embarrassing . Everyone elses dogs seem to settle down quickly except Miley . I 'm suppose to take her to our club trial this weekend and boy was I having second thoughts . I have no control of my dog and I 'm sure everyone there agreed . The guy with the border collie was glad I was there . His dog kept running away , so with Miley circling , he didn 't look to bad . Miley finally settled down by 11am . After that she ran great . Karen asked me , it that she usually runs . And I said yes . Even with all the circling , Karen did say she thought Miley was going to be a great dog . One of the biggest things I got out of this seminar , was I need to do obedience with Miley . But really , I had already come to this conclusion . This just brought it home . Ive always hated obedience but I need to become a better team member . She thinks I should put the circling on cue . Her dog Sizzle did do tight circles around her , but she could stop it , and I cant . Tonight she is giving a lecture and will talk more about getting herding behavior under control . Another key point that she teaches in all her puppy classes it to get your dog to look at you . Call you dog 's name and when they look at you , click and treat . Once you have that , start moving around and call there name , click and treat for them looking at you . After the dog really gets the hang of this and they are out in the yard or doing other things , call their name . When they look at you , click and they will start coming to you to get their treat . And when they start coming , then putPosted by Its been raining for the last 4 days . Saturday it wasn 't raining first thing in the morning , but we were suppose to have a down pour all day . So first I took the dogs to the State Park for a nice long walk . Right when I got back to the car it started raining . My timing was just right . Then I decided to go watch some nationals on Saturday because what else could I do with all the rain . Stephanie decided to go with me and we left around 10am . It rained all the way up but not so bad you couldn 't see out the window . We got there about 12 : 30 . They had signs up that said parking was 3 dollars but no one was taking money when we got there . We sat in the main arena , but I couldn 't see the weaves from where I was , but I didn 't want to move . Stephanie was excited because the dog , or one of the dogs , from " Marley and Me " was there and you could meet him . She is obsessed with fame . Marley is famous and of course he was touched by Jennifer Aniston and Owen Williams . That made me laugh . I told her there was someone more famous then Marley walking the course right now . She said who . I told her Greg Luganis . She said , " Who 's that " . So then I told her , she wasn 't to impressed . You know the dog was touched by famous people . Hard to compete with that . The picture above is her with Marley , which I 'm sure you guessed . Anyway , I got to see a lot of runs . Its so fun to watch people 's dogs who are smoking the course . I wish I had tape some of the runs so I could analyze them when I got home . Like Marcus Topps run . He makes it look like he isn 't even working hard . Yet he dogs gets such a fast time . I love how his dog reads him so well . I wonder if its all body language or if he is giving verbal cues too when he is running a jumpers course . I also saw this lady run a golden retriever that was awesome . She had some type of disability and couldn 't run . Her dog had such distance . They were running to the final jump and the dog couldn 't see the handler and stop right before the last jump ( which was a double or a triple ) , then he must have sPosted by You think ? On Wednesday I took Miley to the underwater treadmill and she did terrible . She walked really slow . And then after 13 minutes she refused to walk anymore . But while in the UWTM ( underwater treadmill ) her gait was normal . I had brought Natural Balance Rolls dog food . We use that a lot when training agility . She usually likes it . But not when doing the UWTM . She wouldn 't come to me . It was so weird . The vet had a piece of chicken that seem to work somewhat . But then when I had to go back to my stuff , she ( Miley ) made a terrible face like I gave her tar to eat . So we took her out of the UWTM and called it a day . When waiting to pay , I saw blood on the floor . I didn 't think it was Mileys blood but she did stop in the treadmill a few seconds before it was turned off . The building also does orthopedic surgery , so blood on the floor wouldn 't be unheard of . I checked Miley 's foot . There was nothing there . But then the vet saw me checking her and got concerned and came out and asked if she was limping . I said , " no , I 'm just a worrier " . But when I got home I was freaked out . Did she refuse to walk because it was hurting her ? Did I run her through agility to hard the day before ? I gave her 1 / 2 a Rimadyl and didn 't let her do anything that night . Then next morning I walked her and didn 't see anything wrong . Then the real test . I took her to the park . The one with the steps that are wide and will show a problem , if there was one . Side story : I had this cat when I was a kid . After she would eat , she would go around her bowl , scratching the floor like she was covering up her food . She would make a complete circle and then turn around and look at the bowl . Well , of course the food wasn 't covered up . So she would start again . She would do this about 4 to 5 times . Each time turning around to see that the bowl wasn 't covered . So the final time she would work , scratching the floor all the way around the bowl and just wouldn 't look back . She probably thought , " If I don 't look back , it must be covered " . That 's how I wantPosted by So , Little Miss Miley has bee breaking her start line a lot . Is she just so excited to be running the course she cant control herself ? Is it something I 'm doing ? Ive been really trying to reward heavily when she stays . I try to be mindful of walking back to her when she does stay . I 'm sure the dogs learn that the farther out you go , the less likely the reward . Ive been just doing a two jump lead out , at the most . So yesterday she broke several times even with rewarding when staying . I finally started throwing the chicken to her , which seem to help . I could tell her body relaxed when she leaned over to find the chicken . The only problem is that if your throw isn 't great , your dog may move . One time she did have to stand up to get the treat but did stay in the same spot . Is that ok ? I really don 't want this to become an issue . And me worrying about it , makes it an issue . Maybe she isn 't trusting me because I 'm not trusting her . Ive been reading through Clean Run looking for something to jump out at me as the problem , but nothing yet . I do make her wait in her crate to be released and sometimes we practice waiting at doors , but all the time . Any suggetions ? This was a set up I did today with Miley . Keep in mind we really haven 't practice for a couple of months . She did pretty good . My handling needs help . I don 't like the arm flinging thing I 'm doing . Its very choppy looking . Its probably confusing to the dog . She did drop some bars , but the were all on crosses . I did more than what is on the video . I first did the set up that is from clean run March of 09 . Its the Power Paws Drills , Seminar Sets by Nancy Gyes , set number 3 . In the end I change the bottom of the sequence to be a pinwheel . ( not on video ) One thing I noticed that I did was try to rear cross after the jump to turn her into the pinwheel . You wouldn 't rear cross in front of the jump the dog just took . So I let the dog go by and then rear crossed . I don 't know why I did that . I didn 't even realize that is what I did until I watched the video . I know I also did that at the trial in January , with the same results . The dog didn 't understand the cue . Ugh ! I will have to watch that . My computer is still having problems . The audio device keeps deleting its self . Plus other problems . I may have to send it in to be fixed . I probably wont get much practice in the next 5 days , its suppose to rain everyday . I hope they are wrong . On Sunday I may go up to North Carolina and watch the AKC agility nationals . It wont be that close again for a long time . Posted by So I took Miley to the training field on Sunday . I ran her across the dogwalk 4 times . The first time I was so busy watching her gait that I forgot to say " touch " and she ran off the end of the dogwalk . I was thinking , " crap , what happened ? " But then I remembered that I didn 't tell her anything . She was so proud of herself too . So we repeated it . The next three times she stopped . I didn 't see anything abnormal in her gait . The only thing I may have noticed was she didn 't run as fast as she use to . But that could just be from not running it in such a long time . Plus it probably didn 't help that I messed up the first time and that made her slow down the rest of the times . I did do some sequencing with her . She did very well . She only dropped one bar and I think that was my fault , I was late . We are very rusty and I was way late on many of my calls . She ran by the weave poles the first time but then did them all the second time . We were only there a total of 15 minutes and she wasn 't working the whole 15 min . It was definitely the longest she had worked in a long time . The rest of the day she seem much more a peace with her life then she has since this started . She did break her start line stay several times . Ugh ! The only other thing that I thought looked weird was her gait at the end . I 'm trying to post it here . We will see if it up loads . I tried all day to up load the video and it just wouldn 't work . The first video is of her gait at normal speed . ( I know she is circling but I wanted my husband to be able to get it on video with her gaiting naturally ) If I can I will up load the slower gait video too . But the video will be much shorter because blogger cant handle the video . I couldn 't up load the video of the slow gait . I watched the above video frame by frame . I didn 't see anything unusual . She was using her foot / leg normally . Both extending and contracting completely normal . I don 't know why it looks so weird . I will show it to the vet today and see what she thinks . I took Guiness to freestyle class last night . Posted by First I would like to say I 'm going to have to fire the house elfs . They didn 't come last night and clean my kitchen . What is up with that ! Next here is some a - frame ground work I did last night . The first run her back leg wasn 't inside the box but I rewarded because I didn 't notice it until I watched the video . The next run I started adding equipment . I added a tunnel . She jumps over the box . WooHoo , cant slow down . But after that she seems to get it together . Today I took the dogs for a long walk at the park . It was freezing when I first got there but then got better once we go moving . Later in the afternoon I worked Miley for a short session . Just some weave poles and once through the a - frame ground work . Here is that video . Do anyone know if its ok if you dog is just getting into the box . Should she be jumping right in the middle of the box ? Anyway , tomorrow is D day . I 'm going to take her to the training field and have her get on the dogwalk and see if she does that weird gait . Posted by Ricky asked what a pacing gait was . It is when the dog moves the front and rear leg on the same side of the body at the same time . Here is a youtube video of a dog with a pacing gait . http : / / www . youtube . com / watch ? v = af6QV0Rt1os A trot is what you see most dogs doing in the conformation ring . Hope that helps . Someone posted a message to me about the running A - Frame . She didnt want me to post her message on my site . I tried to email her my reply but it kept gettin rejected . So I hope she doesnt mind but here is my reply . So far I like the running a - frame . I had tried it before but I used the information from an article in Clean run and I didnt have all the information I needed to teach it properly . I now have the DVD which has a lot more information in it . She also added more ground work to make sure your dog really knows what they are doing . Right now I just have her doing the 2 jumps to the box . I would recommend video taping it every session . You think they are doing it correctly but when I went back and looked at the tape she wasnt . Rachal tells you what to look for in the DVD and how to fix things that happen . Like if the dog jumps the box or if they are putting to many strides in between the last jump and the box . I wont put the box on the a - frame until I can do front crosses and rear crosses with the stuff on the ground . She also says you need to run sequences witht he jumps and box on the ground . So , send your dog to the tunnel and then into the ground work set up . She definitly gives you a lot more ground work to do with the DVD then she did with the first article that was in clean run . Thats as far as I have gotten in the DVD . I hope that helps . So Tuesday everything seemed to be going a usual . I had to be a a nursing staff meeting a 3pm . I figured , no problem . The kids leave school at 2 : 30 , so I should be able to leave school and get to the meeting . Well at 2 : 15 I get a call that there is a student in the stair well with chest pains and cant breath . ( you wouldn 't believe how many 6th graders have chest pain ) At the same time I get a call over the walkie that there is a student in the gym that maybe having a seizure . Well I cant be in both places at the same time . I decided that breathing comes before seizure especially since it sound like if it were a seizure , is was a staring seizure . So I figured I would go by the stair well , check on the breath kid . If she is truly having problems I would call 911 and then send someone to go see the other kid in the gym . Well I assess the breathing kid . She seems find , breathing wise , I think she was just hyperventilating . I have someone take her in the wheel chair to the health room and I go on to see the sizure kid . I don 't think she had a seizure since even thought she wouldn 't talk to them she would follow commands . You cant follow commands when your having a seizure . I had her walk with me to the health room . I called her mom and she agreed with me that it wasn 't a seizure . The other kid calmed down and was sent home . I finally got the the meeting . When the meeting finished at 5pm , I went home . That 's the day Guiness got so muddy . When I got home I let the dogs out and started grilling chicken on the grill . I don 't know how Guiness got so muddy . He must have fallen in this big mud hole at the bottom of the yard . I finished cooking dinner and then decided I would clean Miley first since she was only dirty on the bottom half and then get to Guiness . I had Miley in the shower cleaning her up when my son came home . The back door was shut , so he thought I was in the back yard working the dogs . He opened the back door and Guiness come flying in and runs through the house . Jumps right on my bed . It was chaos at my houPosted by It took forever to get this to load . I first tired it with my other program and had it slowed down but it just wouldn 't upload . Ugh ! So anyway , this about the extent of our agility training right now . I decided to try Miley with a running a - frame but then a 2o / 2o dogwalk . We will see what happens . Right now things are looking good . Ive been video taping all the sessions . After watching the first session with the two low jumps and the box , I saw that she was putting an extra stride between the last jump and the box . I want her to be a 2 stride on the down because I know when she goes to a trial she is excited and will change to a 2 stride . Well really , she would like it to be one stride . Hit and jump off high . But I 'm hoping for a 2 stride on the down . I can now really see what holes were in my training last time and hopefully I 'm fixing them . Last night at dinner I asked my husband and my daughter if they saw Miley limping when she has been running around the house . Do you know what they both said at the same time , " she 's a maniac " . Then my husband said , " She runs around as fast as she can , jumping , spinning , who the hell can see anything she is doing " . Not really the answer I was looking for . I really wouldn 't use the word maniac to describe Miley at all . Guiness , yes but not Miley . She is just excited and happy . You can make her stop easily by calling her name . Now Guiness , a bike goes by and he is crazy . Try calling him off , not to easy . Someone comes to the door , maniac dog ! Today Miley 's underwater treadmill session went really well . I brought a harness for her and it worked great . She really didn 't like the life vest from last week . Today she was focused and moving . She didn 't have any problems . To bad I have to work tomorrow . The rehab and Vet . referral service are taking pictures for their web site tomorrow at 9am and they wanted Miley for the pictures . Ahh to bad . Three days of rain . Im really hoping is stops tomorrow . Posted by Today is my husband and I 20th Anniversary . So I posted some pictures from when we got married . I couldn 't get them to scan in right so I just took pictures of the pictures with my camera . We went to the justice of the peace with a few friends and family . Then we all went out for a nice dinner . Our honeymoon was in Cancun . Its hard to believe its been 20 years . My poor husband has aged but I look exactly the same . LOL Just kidding . Love is : Your husband spending over 2 hours on a Saturday night fixing your computer . You some how deleted the audio device on your computer . Your husband tries to fix it then has to go to a HP chat room to get technical support . After emailing you 2 audio devices , it works again . That 's love . I 'm the luckiest person in the world . Posted by Here is Miley with her life jacket on . We put her in the pool first . She did ok . I wouldn 't say she loved it , but she did swim . But most of the time she didn 't use her back feet . I think the life jacket kept her so buoyant that she didn 't really have to try very hard . Next time we might just put a harness on her and see how it goes . The good news was she did much better in the underwater treadmill . We got the speed up to 1 . 4 mph . I had treats to keep her moving forward . ( I did last time too , but it wasn 't as effective . ) One thing Miley needs to learn is to chew and walk . I would break the treats into tiny pieces . Once she ate one , she would stop walking and ride the treadmill to the back . She couldn 't walk and chew . It was kinda funny . We are hoping next time we can get her up to a trot . On Thursday I let her just run around the backyard and chase Guiness . I wanted to see if it made any difference when she would go for walks the next day . I left her be wild . The next day on the walk , no skips or weird gaits . So today , because its cold and rainy , Ive been throwing the toy down the hall . We haven 't done that in about 7 weeks . So far everything seems fine . I have been doing a little agility . Just having her run the down part of the contact of the dogwalk . Going to find the entry of 2 weaves poles that are open at 8 and 2 o ' clock . Once this week I let her run a a pinwheel of low jumps with one rear cross and one front cross . Its so funny , when I tell her " all done " . She just stands there staring at me like , " what , you are kidding me right ? Hey , where are you going we just got started " . Its been hot this week . I think its been about 85 degrees all week . Tuesday it was so humid the dogs were just laying around . I kept thinking maybe Miley was hurting because she didn 't want to run around or play . But I think it was the humidity . Yesterday it was still 85 but no humidity and the dogs seem back to normal . Miley even stood in her little pool a couple of times . Yesterday Miley went to rehab . She really isn 't enjoying the underwater treadmill . I don 't know how to make it more fun for her . They tried to increase the speed and she just couldn 't get it . She would speed up , like she was trying to catch up to me and then go back to her slower pace . And that would make her fall behind and end up at the back of the treadmill . The vet felt she just didn 't understand what she needs to do . So Friday we will put a life jacket on her . This will give us more control of her so that we can encourage her to increase the speed . We will also let her go in the pool and see if she thinks that is more fun . I don 't want her to think this is torture . This morning I was walking the dogs and we had walk passed the usual spot where I usually see Miley have an off gait or skip . Guess what , I didn 't see anything . We walked up into the cul - de - sac and I was thinking to myself , " Maybe she is getting better " . Right when I thought that , she took a huge skip . Ugh ! I looked down at the ground and there was a large pebble on the ground . Did she step on it ? I don 't know . I saw two tiny skips farther along in the walk . Now , I don 't think I over did things yesterday . The only thing she did yesterday was go to rehab . I didn 't do either walk . The morning one , I was just to tired and decided to sleep an extra hour . I didn 't do the evening one because she had done the underwater treadmill . I did let her run in the yard a bit , but nothing excessive . But . . . . . . When I looked at my notebook where I keep her progress recorded , I read something that I forgot about . Tuesday I decided to let her do a little agility . I figured the teeter was safe . ( I kPosted by This is a small sample of my daughters room . Talk about creativity . If you could see the whole thing you would think I was crazy . But out of that comes this : She made this at school today . Its a picture of my mom and dad . I thought it was great . ( Please dont copy unless you are someone in my family . ) Thanks So Miley did well all weekend . I didn 't see any problems . We went to the park again on Sunday and walked even more of the up and down hills . No problems . Today we went back to rehab and I was warming her up in the parking lot and she skipped . Maybe her foot is sensitive . She did the treadmill ok but really didn 't seem into it . She kinda lagged behind and had to be encouraged to come forward more . But not limping or off loading weight . She just seem distracted . Go figure . Last night I took Guiness to the freestyle class . There were only 2 of us there . We worked on sequencing which helps the dogs learn the tricks better . My big mistake was cutting Guiness 's nails that morning . We also worked on alternating paws touching my hands and then legs ( with your hands on your legs ) . So now my hands are all scratched up . He wasn 't trying to be rough , it was just his nails didn 't have time to get the ruff edges off . That 's was a big mistakes . Looks like Ive been in a cat fight . Sometimes I have to make myself go to class but once I 'm there , I have a good time and enjoy it . Also last night Micky had a seizure . I hate seizures , in dogs and people . Its just such a helpless feeling to watch them go through that and there is really nothing you can do . It is usually over in a couple of minutes but it feels like forever . Poor Mickey . He hasn 't had one in over a year so I 'm not sure what was up with that . He is awake during his seizures and just gets really stiff . No jerking . Although last night he cried for the first time during his seizure . I just hold him until its over . Then he gets down , shakes himself off and trots away . Its kinda funny . Like , " Man , I 'm glad that 's done . " This next part is for Dawn who asked me what box work I was talking about . Sometimes in agility , people refer to box work when they are talking about jumps . Setting 4 jumps up so they look like a box and you practice front and rear crosses and other things . But also there is a way to teach a running contact where you build a box made out of PVC . First you teach Posted by This morning we walked the state park . ( I guess you figured since I posted a new blog header ) We got there around 9am and it was packed . Even in South Carolina they are having spring fever . Its not like this is the first warm day we have had all winter . The first parking lot was full . I figured , " Great , tons of bikes " . I thought we would be ok if we just stayed mostly on the spider women trail . The bikes don 't go on that trail to often because its very hilly and some of the paths are narrow . But today we had 8 bikes on the spider women trail . It makes life difficult because Guiness goes crazy when the bikes go by . So much for a nice , peaceful walk . We did see a beaver swimming in the water . The water looked rough , I guess all the rain and snow was coming through . It didn 't seem to bother the beaver . We walked most of the spider women trial but not all . I didn 't want to over due Miley . We finished without any skipping or leg flicking . Yea . It was already warm this morning and I wasn 't well prepared with water for the dogs to drink . Several times they went down to the creek for water . Both Miley and Guiness went and stood in the creek . I figured Guiness was hot . He never gets his feet wet . He will always walk around any puddles of water . Miley always trots through them . I let Miley run a few jumps this morning . That made her and me happy . I didn 't see any problems . We also did some box work . Which she must remember from before because she picked it up easily . This afternoon its very hot , 85 degrees . The dogs are in shock . Miley is looking for shade so I filled up the baby pool for her . That 's how it is in South Carolina . We usually don 't have Spring or Fall . Just Summer and Winter . I did watch some of the activities at Crufts . How great is the computer and technology that we can now watch Live dogs shows in England . I watched some of the freestyle competition . I really only like watching the dogs and people that have fast music . The slow stuff is boring to me . What I really liked was the guy who gave a small demonstDiana Today I still let Miley run around the back yard but only for a few minutes . I did have my husband video tape her when she chased a toy . I wanted to have the rehab vet watch the video and make sure her gait was ok . Sometimes I think she is bunny hopping . So I got the video and off we went to the rehab vet . When I got there I walked her around outside to warm her up . Its on a paved parking lot and I noticed some little pebbles . So guess what happened ? She skipped a couple of times . So off we go into the building . I talked to the vet about the foot flick yesterday and the skip just now . she had me walk her again and watched . But you know that weird thing that happens when you go to the vet . The dog doesn 't do it . LOL Then we put the dog in the underwater treadmill . She did great . Nothing noticed in the treadmill . You can look under the water and watch the feet and gait . Perfect the whole time . She even increased the speed the last 2 minutes . I also had her watch the video . Once I slowed the video down you could then see that the dog was not bunny hopping at all . It was just hard to see when she is running and stuff . She thought Miley looked great . Had great extension and she didnt feel this was a dog havingpain . She feels that there is just a little laxity in her knee that may sometimes cause a funny feeling in her leg . Like something is off . She also told me Miley could have a sensitive spot on her foot . And next time check her foot and see if anything is on it . Make note of what surface we are on and what we were doing then and before that . Which I feel like I have been doing . Have a note book that I keep Miley 's daily activities , exercises and symptoms in . I have been charting it since Feb . 21st . I told the vet that it has now been 6 weeks since this started , should I be worried . She said not at all . It can take months to build the knee up to what we need . Also she told me to do a little agility but nothing repetitive . I think she is a good vet . She did her rehab training at the University of Tenn . and so did Posted by http : / / cal . vet . upenn . edu / projects / saortho / index . html This is a very good book on orthopedics in dogs . One thing that I found interesting was when he did an x - ray of a joint and then did the x - ray with the jointed stressed . The first x - ray looked normal but in the stressed x - ray , you could see the problem . Anyway , in case you have nothing better to do then read a text book on canine orthopedics . Here is the site . Miley seemed to be doing really well . She had her underwater treadmill treatment on Wednesday . She did well and didn 't seem sore or tired that night . She actually seemed to feel better than she had in a long time . She was a little crazy in the house and maybe that was the problem . I have been increasing her activity . On Tuesday I let her run around the backyard for about 2 min and did that again on Wednesday . So since she had been doing well , I let her run around the backyard for about 10 - 15 min . I watched her the whole time and I didn 't see anything . Later that evening I took her to the park to walk . Within the first 1 / 4th of the walk she did something . It was hard to see because she is walking in front of me and she has all that fuzzy butt hair . But it looked like she picked her leg up and shook it . I saw the butt hair fling out twice . I didn 't see anything else the rest of the walk . That night she could still sit in a nice tuck sit and a nice sit up with again her legs tucked in nicely . Was able to stand on her back legs like usual . So I don 't know what happened . This morning when I walked her , her gait was a little off on the first part of the walk . Not the whole time , just for a few seconds . Nothing that I can really tell you what she is doing . So I guess we have taken a step back . I don 't know if she over did it on Wednesday when she seemed to feel so good . Or if me letting her run to much in the back yard did it . I guess I need to be more careful . ( I 'm trying to be positive and not let this set back take me over the edge - which is really what is happening . LOL ) That 's right . We got no snow . Not one flipping snow flake . So now I have to make up another day for nothing . Ugh ! ! I changed Miley 's rehab appt . to this morning since I didn 't have to go to work . Well Guiness just knocked the pan of spaghetti sauce off the stove and on to the kitchen floor . I called for help from my family but they didn 't come . Good thing I wasn 't dying . I finally gathered up the dogs so there wasn 't a feeding frenzy and locked them up . I cleaned it up the best I could . There is a big throw run in the kitchen and I cleaned it with a carpet cleaning vacuum . Well now there is no dinner for my husband and daughter because they hadn 't eaten yet . And Guiness is locked in his crate because I 'm mad at him . Back to Miley 's appt . She examined Miley and couldn 't get her to react to anything she did . She got great extension and flexion in her legs . She looked at the x - rays . She had me walk her up and back to watch her gait . She said she didn 't see anything abnormal in her gait . She feels its either just a stretched ligament or maybe a muscle injury . She also thought it could be a luxating patella , although she said the patellas were tight , with no movement . She wants me to increase the Miley 's activity level . She gave me a bunch of exercises to do with her . I 'm to alternate he exercises on different days . She also wants me to start her on the physio ball to strengthen her core muscles . This will help with jumping . She will use her core muscle to help her jump and not make her legs do all the work . We put her in the underwater treadmill . She increased the speed to . 8mph and the water level was at 7 inches . Miley did really well . She didn 't limp or show any signs of any problems . Afterwards I didn 't see anything either . But when we go home , she off loaded some weight off the leg a few times . I put a heat pack on her leg for 10 minutes . ( and she let me and just laid there ) after that she seemed good . She did take a nap , which probably helped too . Then this afternoon we walked at the park . The one with the hilPosted by This video was from Friday appt . , second time on the treadmill . They put a leash on her because in the morning , she was riding the treadmill to the back and stood where it wasn 't moving . Sneaky huh ? She did really well on Friday . Friday night at home she seem very good . I didn 't seen any leg problems . Saturday I cancelled my appointment . Where were suppose to get severe weather and I didn 't want to be driving in it . But we just got lots and lots of rain . It stopped for a short while and I took the dogs for a walk . I really didn 't see anything specifically wrong with her gait . Just this little hop , but not with her feet it was more in her hip . It was so slight , I kept saying to my husband , " Did you see that ? " . " No " I think I 'm making myself crazy . I did decrease the Rimadyl to once a day on Saturday . On Sunday no walks . Its been raining a lot . We are suppose to get snow . They are saying between 1 - 5 inches . So guess what ? They closed school already . Its been raining all day . What if they are wrong ? And I cant believe it but this school system has no emergency days built into the calender . So the last snow day they called off , I have to make up on my own time . Stay late and make up the time or take a personal day . I don 't have a personal day for this type of thing . My personal days are for agility , dog or kid stuff . An now they have called school already and I will have to make up this day too . I get seven personal days for the year and they think I should use two for this . They better hope it snows ! ! Has anyone used or know someone who has used Cartrophen for knee injuries ? Posted by |
5 : Marjorette Boot The ninth grade was a very happy time for me . The kids at Grants Pass High School received me with open arms , for I was the " girl from California , " and , in those days , it was said that California girls were very sexy . What we all knew about that was little , and I sure didn 't think of myself as sexy . Two boys liked me right away , and it was fun being noticed by them . But what was really exciting to me was being chosen as a majorette for the band . I had never been in anything except a parade once , and the thought of being in a big band - an award - winning band - was so good to think about . At the time , there were three senior girls and one junior girl , all majorettes , and the band director that watched me try out . The girls , being older , didn 't look favorably on me , just a ninth grader . They knew how to put makeup on and were just a whole lot more experienced than me in every way . Nevertheless , I was chosen and was so excited - and totally scared ! | 5 | 5 6 : The band was practicing on the field the following week , and the older majorettes had never included me in their practices , so I knew none of the routines . As we went on to the field , I didn 't know what to do . I was just marching . The director asked me , " Do you know the routines ? " I said I hadn 't been shown them . This made him mad . He called the older girls aside and let them know that he was mad . From then on they showed me their routines , but barely spoke to me . The first time I got to wear the uniform ( I called it a " costume " because , at the dance studio , that 's what it would have been called ) , they berated me and said , " It is a uniform , Stupid ! " I cried but tried not to let them see me . | 6 7 : As each year went by , they graduated and I got stronger and better at twirling . I even ended up being the head majorette , leading the band , and wearing a very tall hat and very short skirt . I loved it . The director bought me a lighted baton and a fire baton . Twirling was very special with all the high schools in 1950 . I taught baton at a dance studio where I also taught toe dancing . There were many great times leading the band ; I did it for four years . Once time , at the Rose Parade in Portland , I got many blisters from my new boots . We had practiced a lot but not enough for me . If I remember right , the parade route was ten miles . I probably went twice as far as the band , for I would go all over the street performing and keeping the band in line by blowing the whistle . The director put me in the infirmary that night at the college where we were staying . I wanted to go out with the others , but he wouldn 't let me . My feet were just raw . All my band friends had a lot | 7 8 : of fun being in a city the size of Portland for the evening . Some of them came back and told me about their night out . The time that was the strangest happened in Marshfield , a town by the Oregon Coast , that must have gotten its name because it rains so hard there . One Saturday we took the band bus over to play a game that night . It was raining all the way over , and the field there was soaked . The team played the first half , left the field , and the band came on . It was very slippery and soggy from the team , who were muddy from head to toe . As the band hit the middle of the field , I kicked my leg up in the air but my boot stayed in the mud . The band was coming right behind me , so I just kept going , leaving my boot behind ! I probably looked pretty silly kicking and marching with only one boot . The band director went out after the game to try and find it , but , after the team had played the second half , it was probably deep in the mud . My mother was very unhappy with me . Majorette boots were expensive , and I had to have a new pair for the following week 's game . We had to order them to come down to Grants Pass from Portland . | 8 10 : Joseph yells , " Hey , Flop Ears ! We have a job to do . Come here . " I slowly walk over . Joseph said we are going to go to Nazareth to pay our taxes , and Mary wants to go with me . Now Mary is Joseph 's girlfriend , but I heard she 's pregnant and ready to deliver . You ask ( what was that about ? ) , ' Not married and pregnant . ' OOOOOOOOOOOOO - KKKKKKKKKKK . Mary gets on my back . She is a little heavy with that little baby almost to be born . She wiggles to try and get comfortable . Doesn 't she know I 'm old and have bunions and corns and sore knees ? OOOOOOOOO - KKKKKKKKKKK . We leave in the morning , with the sun shining bright and hot . We walk all day . For me it is very tiring . Joseph keeps saying , " Come on , Flop Ears . " OOOOOOOOOOOOOO - KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK . As we arrive at the inn , I think , oh boy , oh boy , time to eat and go to sleep . Mary slides off - ouch ! My bones on my back ache . Mary stands there and says , " I 'm sorry , Flop Ears . " OOOOOOOOOOOOOO - KKKKKKKKKK . Joseph comes back out to where we are standing . He | 10 11 : looks sad . " Mary , there aren 't any rooms , but there is a stall in the barn . " Mary says , " Just get me some place . The baby is coming . " As we settle in the barn , I notice that Joseph is taking all the hay and putting it in the manger . Hey , wait a minute ! That 's my dinner , and that 's my manger to eat from . OOOOOOOOOOOOOO - KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK . Joseph helps Mary lie down . Her tummy is making notice like when I eat too much and have gas . The baby just came popping out . What a sight ! The baby is a boy , and his parents are so happy . I look up and am frightened by the bright lights in the night sky . No ! Those are angels ! They 're singing and rejoicing in the new baby . I get so caught up in this that I forget I can 't sing . I open my mouth and sing , Hallelujah ! Hallelujah ! All the other animals are staring at me . OOOOOOOOO - KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK . Men come forward with these fancy gifts . They look really wise , and each one lays his gift about the baby lying in my manger . | 11 12 : OOOOOOOOO - KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK . The next day , Joseph says , " Flop Ears , we are going home to Nazareth . " I look at him and say , You 've got to be crazy . While I 'm complaining , the other barnyard animals call me a jack * * * . Don 't you know this is the baby that will grow into the Savior for all of us who believe ? He will hang on the cross so our sins will be forgiven . Buck up ! Put those flop ears up , and be proud . " OOOOOOOOOOO - KKKKKKKKKKKK . So me , Flop Ears , was not flop ears anymore . I was carrying the future King and mighty proud of it . As we left and got on the road , with ears held high , I wondered , Do you know , Mary , your baby boy is Jesus ? | 12 13 : I believe in the sun when it 's not shining . I believe in love even when I feel it not . I believe in God even when He is silent . 14 : Purple Cape As I stood in front of the Hilton Hotel in Portland , Oregon , waiting for my new husband 's darling silver Porsche , the young man going to get it out of the parking garage took my keys . " Back in just a minute ! " he yelled . I had only been married three weeks and had never driven this car that my husband took such joy in . He had meetings all day and had given me a credit card , his car , and a new , warm purple rain cape bought for me the night before . As I stood there , the cape was feeling very nice with its warm lining , and I thought it must look so pretty in that cold rain that was coming down . I felt on top of the world . It just could get much better than this . You know , that wonderful feeling that all is well ? That was the feeling that was going on inside of me as I stood there with a big smile . Soon I found out and I should have realized : nothing stays the same for long ( especially when I was feeling so much pride ) . I felt I was | 14 15 : doing pretty darn good , and was enjoying every minute . I was so high and totally in love with my Bruce . Nothing could ruin my day . Suddenly , a man came running out of the hotel carrying a very large cake . I didn 't know what happened as he slipped in the rain and fell right into my back . The cake smashed into my new beautiful purple cape . He slid the cake plate up and off my cape and kept running . The kid that had gone to get my car was yelling for me to come and pick it up - he needed it moved ! A woman waiting for her car said , " You have cake all over your back ! " A nice man took out his hanky and started wiping my back , but the rain was making cake run all over my beautiful cape and down the sidewalk . I waved for the parking attendant to take my car back so he would stop yelling at me , never thinking he had my keys . I started into the hotel , thinking this was the only thing I could do . They had already told me a few minutes before that my room wasn 't ready . Another lady said , " You can 't go in there . You are dripping | 15 16 : blue and green and yellow , and you look like a rainbow . " I 'm sure that , with my new purple cape , I probably did . I stood there , feeling totally opposite from how I had felt only minutes ago , trying to decide what to do . I finally took off my cape . Everyone that walked by looked at me strangely and seemed to move away from me . By now I had wet hair clinging down on my head . I 'm not sure but I probably had mascara running under my eyes . Pretty much everything was running down the sidewalk . The grumpy hotel clerk looked at me with horror in his eyes . I think he was thinking that someone looking like this should not be in his hotel . I told him the story of just what had happened . When I finished , all of a sudden his voice changed , and he said , " Your room is ready and waiting for you , Mrs . McGregor , and what can the hotel do for you ? " I told him , " Please take me to my room . " I wish now I would have at least asked for room service , but I was new to all of this hotel stuff . Getting my room was quite enough at the moment . | 16 17 : As I got to the room , I shed a few tears . My cape was ruined . I was reminded that , any time I have felt such pride , something always happens to me . Laying on the bed thinking it all through , WHAT HAD JUST HAPPENED , I had to thank God for always showing me my self , my foolish ways and thoughts , and for reminding me that is isn 't about things . P . S . When my husband came into the hotel that evening , the desk clerk stopped him and gave him the keys to the car that I had forgotten all about . He explained they had no idea who the man with the cake was and gave an apology . Bruce promised me a new cape , and I can 't really remember if he came through with that promise . The love he has continued to show is worth so much more than a silly purple cape . | 17 19 : When I was seven , it was very popular to wear your hair in what were called finger curls . This meant that your mom or someone would wrap your air around their finger , pull down , and you would have a long curl . Sounds strange , but this was done one curl at a time until there were many little curls on your head . For those who can remember back , we looked like Shirley Temple . My hair was bright red , very thick and long . Thinking back , it was probably pretty . My mother sure thought so . She always had a lot to say about my hair . One morning when I woke up , guess what ? A whole curl had gum stuck in it . When I tried to brush it out for Mom to put the curls in , I noticed there was a whole big hunk of gum back there . I was told not to sleep with gum in my mouth , but gum was new to me and special . I probably thought I could get by with it and save it . For sure I couldn 't tell Mom what had happened , so I took care of the problem - I thought . Mom called me to come so she could fix my hair for school . I thought I had taken care of the problem curl , but it soon started to stink horribly in our house . Mom jumped up and was scurrying around to try and find the smell . I sat there , not saying a word . The smell sort of died down , so she came back to getting my | 19 20 : hair in curls . About the third curl , she grabbed the rest of my hair in her hands , turned my face toward her , and said , " What have you done ? You 've cut your hair ! " I looked at Mom , speechless . Then it dawned on her , " You have put the cut curl down in the furnace grate . That 's the smell ! " Looking up at her , I said , " Because I HAD GUM STUCK IN IT ! " Mom 's eyes looked right in mine , she made an ugly face at me and sat down to try and salvage my hair . No harm done . My mom told the story for years . I don 't recommend putting hair into the furnace to hide it . Oh , did our house stink from that hair ! | 20 | " I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection . Excellence I can reach ; Perfection is God 's business . " 21 : The Sign On My Back It was my first grade , and I was so happy to finally get to go to school after playing like I was going to school for so long . I made my little sister , Carolyn , who was three years younger than I , pretend we were in school . She didn 't always understand what I wanted , so I was very happy to finally be at real school with a real teacher and a real desk , not a pretend desk . Somehow along the way in my life , I began to feel I must always be perfect or no one would like me . I tried hard to be perfect . I still fight that tendency today . I know in my heart that none of us ever get perfect , but my head still tells me differently . I continue to try and fill this need , this silly need learned so many , many years ago . It still keeps me from doing a lot of things I would do if that old fear of failure would not creep in . My father always told me , " If you can 't do it perfectly , don 't do it . " I do realize now that | 21 22 : is a bunch of baloney . But like so many things in our lives we learned early , we hang on to them . I want each of you to follow your dreams and desires . Listen to your thoughts and ideas ; don 't let others live your life . I finally had a desk of my own . I loved my teacher , all of our studies , especially the books with big pictures and stories of Dick and Jane , and arranging my things just right in my desk . The lid lifted up so you could arrange everything in there just to suit you . I also loved recess and having all the kids around . I knew I was really big . One day the teacher had to leave the room and said we were not supposed to talk while she was out . The girl in front of me turned around and said , " Please tie my hair ribbon , " so , without saying a word , I tied her ribbon . When the teacher returned , the boy appointed to take names if we talked or if we were bad said that I had talked . I was horrified and didn 't say anything back , for I knew I hadn 't talked . I was too embarrassed to even say anything . My 23 : teacher , Miss Prairie , told me to come to her desk after school . My whole body was shaking as I approached Miss Prairie . She said , " Give this note to your mother . Turn around now - you wear this home , and don 't forget to give the note to your mother . " At that time , the older kids and younger kids rode with each other to school . I couldn 't even read or see what was on my back . As I got on the bus , all the big kids started laughing and mocked me , as they all said , " I TALK TOO MUCH . " The order from Miss Prairie , I found out later , was to wear the sign home and have my mother sign the note . She was then to make me wear the sign back to school . I never asked my mom what she did about the whole thing . I did not have the sign on the next day , but I carried a note back to Miss Prairie . I think I can guess what my mom said , because , from then on , Miss Prairie was most kind , as I remember . To this day , I feel the wrong done to me that day . | 23 25 : We were all at my daughter Lori 's in Sacramento one Thanksgiving , and someone got the idea to dress up like turkeys and meet Ed , Lori 's husband , at the airport . For the next hour , we worked on our outfits to wear . The palm fronds would make beautiful turkey tails , so we proceeded to cut palms at 10 p . m . in their yard . We had to pick Ed up at 11 p . m . at the Sacramento Airport , so we were really moving , and laughing like crazy . We put red ties and scarves around our heads and under our chins so they would look like the turkey 's gobbler thing . We put on tights and blouses , a belt around our waists , lots of black makeup under our eyes and bright red lipstick on our lips . The plan was to put the palms at our butts , stuck in our belts , so it looked like a tail . With the red scarves and ties we created the turkey gobbler thing over our heads and hanging down our necks . We did think we would look fabulous while holding up our signs that read , " Welcome Home , Captain ED - Enjoy Your Turkey ! " In those days you could go to the gate and pick up your passenger . Now Ed was the senior captain of his plane that night , flying for Northwest Airlines , so he was the last off with his two copilots . We pulled up to the airport , and there were hundreds of people there . We were shocked that we hadn 't | 25 26 : thought about it being a big holiday for everyone . We parked and said , " Let 's go for it . " Feeling a little embarrassed but being the funny family we are , we had come from across town and still thought it sounded fun . As we got out of the car and started sticking our palms into our belts , people started laughing and jeering and following us . Just as we hit the automatic doors , my granddaughter got stuck for a moment . That was scary . Her tail was almost too large , and we had to turn her sideways . There were TV cameras on us , as they were there filming the large crowd . There was no way for us to know that the TV reporters would be there . We were shocked when they started filming us ! We continued on to Ed 's gate , after hamming it up for the cameras a bit . We walked toward the gate as the camera man yelled , " Good job , girls ! Go for it . " We assumed we were on the news that next day or that night but didn 't check to see . Now what you don 't know is , Lori 's husband was very handsome and was not into joking around . He | 26 27 : stepped into the airport looking all 6 ' 5 " the captain he was . He was still across the arrival area from us but could read our signs . At first he looked with a glance and made a joke to his copilot . Then his head whirled around . He realized it was us and it was his name on the sign . I think he wanted to run , but with so many people around watching , he started laughing and walked over to us . By now everyone was clapping and waiting to see who Ed was . He took a bow , grabbed his wife , and gave all of us a big group hug . I think he was probably afraid the rest of his flying days that we might all be there doing something silly . We will see you again , Ed , but we will have wings and be looking for you . Be looking for each of us , and we promise not to humiliate you again . Just lots of hugs and kisses . We love you , ED , and we miss you . | 27 29 : It is probably best not to wear flip flops when chasing a fire truck . My little girls and I were visiting my mom at her house one sunny afternoon when we looked up to see a lot of smoke and flames coming from behind the neighbor 's house . I was in shock for a second , then ran for the phone . It was hung on the wall , as most phones were in the 1960s . I found the number of the fire department and quickly called them . When they asked for the address , I could not remember it , so I told them my parents ' name and they knew where to come . Amazing . That 's an advantage to living in such a small town like Grants Pass , Oregon . As the fire truck came up the hill , we stood staring over at the neighbor 's house . People were running up the hill behind where the fireman had jumped out of the truck . I looked at the big fire truck rolling backwards very slowly . To my horror , I realized that the people running up the hill to see the fire | 29 30 : could not distinguish the truck rolling backwards at them . I instinctively took off after the truck , not even thinking . I had to run fast enough to pass it , then reach up , open the door and jump in . From then on I was surely being guided by God . I put the truck in gear , not even close to knowing what I was doing . The truck started to move forward up the hill to where I stopped it . The fireman who had forgotten to set the brake met me as I was sliding out , still wearing my flip flops , my legs shaking . I made it to my girls and mom , who had been screaming at me to stop , that I would be killed . We all hugged , and I praised God for His protection over me in my flip flops . | 30 32 : We moved from Bakersfield , California , from a very affluent lifestyle to a home in Oregon . My father retired at 35 and had wanted all of his life to live in Oregon . We sold our house , and my dad went to Grants Pass , Oregon , to find my mother , sister and me a new home . He called Mom and said it was a beautiful area . He felt he was in " God 's Country . " When Daddy called and said he had bought a home for us and that it had a creek running through it , I think my mom was excited . Why wouldn 't she be ? After all , this was " God 's Country " , or so Daddy kept saying . My dad showed up ready to pack us and very happy about the new adventure . He had sold his grocery store , cabins , and our new home with all its amenities . Even our new car . The day came for us to take the road trip to " God 's County " in Oregon . It took two days to arrive in a little town called Merlin with | 32 33 : maybe 300 people , a very dark and dirty place . But there was hope - - lots of hope , for our daddy had picked a great farm for us . We headed out of the town , if you could call a service station and grocery store a town . About five miles or so , Daddy stopped on a bride that was covering a beautiful creek called Jump Off Joe Creek - a horrible story we found out later . We all got out and Daddy got his gun out , which Mom didn 't even know was in the car . He lifted the gun and shot a salmon ! Totally not legal - not that anyone would see him clear out there . Mom said , " What are you going to do with that thing ? ! " Daddy said , " Don 't you want to cook it in your new home ? " as he turned and looked at our new house . What a shock ! This was not much of a house and surely not what we were used to . Mom said , " NO WAY ! " and laughed . Dad said , " Oh , come on now . " Poor Mom . At this moment she hadn 't realized there was no electricity . So , besides not knowing how to cook a big salmon , she had no idea how to cook on a big monster of a | 33 34 : wood stove . The salmon ended up being burned . Mom and I got back into the car and my dad said , " Little Fellow , let 's walk . " He always called my little sister that nickname ; I have no idea why . As we drove to the house , my mom was crying and the place scared me . Daddy and Carolyn walked up and saw how unhappy we were and said we would get used to it and love being on a farm . This was my dad 's dream , not my mom 's or mine . We settled the best we could . Our furniture was not right for a farm and there was no running water or indoor plumbing . This spoiled little girl was in shock , I think , and still get a sick feeling when I think about it . I think I could have become used to living out there and got over my fear of the animals , but . . . It came time for me to go to school and I was excited . Maybe I would meet some kids to play with . That was my ' city thinking ' , for there wasn 't a person in sight near our house . On the day I went to school , probably one of the worst days of my little girl life , I put on my Bakersfield clothes . I always wore white majorette boots . I think I liked them , and know my mother did . My long red hair with long curls down my back , my new yellow pencils , and big box of crayons with the sharpener - I felt all was well . Until I 35 : went into the school . The children didn 't have shoes on and all their heads were shaved because they had lice . There I stood , with that red hair gleaming and looking totally out of place . I didn 't want to stay , but the principal said I 'd be fine . Mom left , and the principal told me to go outside until she rang the bell . There has never been such a time in my life that I ever felt so afraid and helpless . The kids started spitting on me and throwing rocks at me and calling me names I had never heard before . They ran up and pulled my hair ! I started crying , and the principal came hustling out , took my hand and told the kids to stop . But they continued , even after she told them to stop ! I thought I was in trouble and big embarrassment tears flowed down my cheeks . She said hush to me and that she would drive me home . There wasn 't a phone yet in that area to call my parents . As we drove home , I remember how my face felt - hot eyes burning - and my heart felt broken . Mom met us at the door . The principal told her what had happened and that she must change the way I looked if I were to come back to school . | 35 36 : We went into the bigger town next to Merlin , Grants Pass , and that was a ten mile drive We bought me overalls and tennis shoes , then headed back home . After a few days I put on those overalls and ugly shoes . When I complained , Mom said , " Consider the other kids . Some of them have NO shoes . " This was a start of learning probably just what my dad had wanted my sister and me to understand . Mom said , " Come , let me braid your hair . " I felt so awfully dressed , for I was used to wearing lovely little dresses . My grandparents had a large rabbit farm , so they kept me in white fur coats and hats . The outfit I had on was not anything near to what I wanted or was used to . Life was hard for me out there , and I got very sick . The doctors thought I would die and couldn 't find a diagnosis of what was wrong . I missed nine weeks of school . I wonder now if it was from nothing more than my heartache and | 36 37 : utter sadness . I will never know the answer to that . The night came in the hospital when they told my parents to stay with me because it was so serious . They thought it wise that my parents be there . But a miracle happened that night , my mother always told me . The miracle was that my cousin , Garey , who is 18 months older than I , said his prayers . He told his mother that I would get well . The next morning I woke up perfectly well , just as he had told the adults I would . My first question the next morning when I finally woke up was , " Can we go get a hamburger ? " My aunts worked at a hamburger restaurant and would often come to see me in the hospital after they got off work smelling of hamburgers . The doctors were dumbfounded . They had no answer , but of course , we all knew that God had intervened . The only thing the doctor said was , | 37 38 : " Get her a hamburger . " I don 't remember this , but they said I ate every bite of that hamburger . That was a very big deal because I had quit eating . Mom cried , and I remember my dad hugged me and said , " Let 's go home . " From there on I settled into my situation of living on that farm - never really liked it , but settled . I even had a few friends . Garey came out in the summers and stayed with us a couple of summers . It was fun having a boy cousin to play with , although I think he just wanted to be with my dad . We lived out there three years and then moved into Grants Pass . As for me , I had many experiences out there and told my dad on my 40th birthday that I was thankful . It showed me how to deal with all kinds of people ( and I mean ALL KINDS ! - I could write a book just on those three years we lived in Merlin ) . I truly appreciate having had this experience . It surely is true God won 't give us more than we can handle . But it seems it gets close sometimes . | 38 39 : " Ugly Duckling " by Linda Goltz She cannot comprehend how lovely she is or will become . She does not believe the perception of others . Her extreme beauty is enhanced by endearing humor and enchanting creativity . With looks , loyalty and the talent of a caring heart , she 's everything humanly desirable . Considering each event before her as excitement , she embraces life as an adventure . She pursues each day with the grace of an excellent swan . How sad that she still sees only the ugly duckling . | 39 40 : When God Created Mothers by Erma Bombeck When the good Lord was creating mothers , He was into His sixth day of ' overtime ' when the angel appeared and said , ' You 're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one . ' And the Lord said , ' Have you read the specs on this order ? She has to be completely washable , but not plastic ; have 180 moveable parts all replaceable ; run on black coffee and leftovers ; have a lap that disappears when she stands up ; a kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair ; and six pairs of hands . ' The angel shook her head slowly and said , ' Six pairs of hands . . . no way . ' ' It 's not the hands that are causing me problems , ' said the Lord . ' It 's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have . ' ' That 's on the standard model ? ' asked the angel . The Lord nodded . ' One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks , What are you kids doing in there ? when she already knows . Another here in the 41 : back of her head that sees what she shouldn 't but what she has to know , and of course the ones here in front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say , I understand and I love You , without so much as uttering a word . ' ' Lord , ' said the angel , touching His sleeve gently . ' Come to bed . Tomorrow . ' ' I can 't , ' said the Lord , ' I 'm so close to creating something so close to myself . Already I have one who heals herself when she is sick , can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger and can get a nine - year old to stand under a shower . ' The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly . ' It 's too soft , ' she sighed . ' But tough ! ' said the Lord excitedly . ' You cannot imagine what this mother can do or endure . ' ' Can it think ? ' ' Not only think , but it can reason and compromise , ' said the Creator . Finally , the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek . ' There 's a leak , ' she pronounced . ' I told You You were trying to put too much into this model . ' ' It 's not a leak , ' said the Lord , ' it 's a tear . ' ' What 's it for ? ' ' It 's for joy , sadness , disappointment , pain , loneliness , and pride . ' ' You are a genius , ' said the angel . The Lord looked somber . ' I didn 't put it there . ' | 41 44 : I hadn 't danced for 20 years . There were so many things going on in my life that I never gave myself the time to be myself and do the things I loved . Don 't get me wrong - I loved raising my children and all the things that entails . But anyone who has been a parent knows , unless you make a special effort , taking care of yourself is not what happens - unless you have been brought up in a different way than I was . So , dance ( or should I say ballet ) was one of those things that I had given up . It left out a big part of my life that I always missed . One morning I was turning 60 years old . Not really feeling old , I was thinking there must be more at this time of life than this . I noticed there are no manuals on what to do when you raise your children and retire . In every other phase of life there are all kinds of help . Not after 60 . Then what ? Maybe a great trip ? A complete body makeover ? Picking up the morning paper with coffee in hand , I settled down for one of my daily routines . There , in my paper , the words jumped off the page and into my heart . Could it be possible that I could dance the ballet after so many years ? | 44 45 : The ad in the paper said , " Needed : Dancers for ' The Nutcracker ' . " I could feel my heart pounding as the thought or possibility that they could use me came to my mind . As I drove to the call , I could hardly drive ; I was so frightened . When I arrived at the studio and saw everyone going in , I realized how old I was and felt , yes , I did need a whole new life - not just a body makeover . But even though I was shaking , I was exhilarated . Getting out of the car , two times out , then back in , then out again , feeling light - headed but determined at least to give it a try . We all were told to sit in a line on a bench , ballet shoes in hand . Mine were old and fairly ragged but loved . I could never throw them away and decided they had served me well in the past . If I made the ballet , I would get new ones . Dance studios have a certain smell . Not good , unless you love to be there and dance . I couldn 't believe how good it all felt to me . My face was shining , I 'm sure . I could hardly breathe from shear excitement . The director called us two by two to do a routine that she had just showed us . It was hard to remember the steps , but I think my adrenaline made me do it . She said to go back to the bench . After all of us were through , she called three of us up . I was one of them ! She said , " Welcome to this performance of ' The 46 : Nutcracker . ' This will be hard work and many rehearsals . Can you do that ? " Two of us said yes ; another said no . She then picked another scared person off the bench . The director was like most directors of dance - very dedicated and very strict . The director was French and her English was a little rough . When she said , " Hetter ( instead of Heather ) , you will be the lead , " I wasn 't sure if she meant me . Her fiery eyes were staring at me . I looked dumb and she said , " Yes - you ! " I had no idea what the lead had to do , but she began to describe and demonstrate our parts - especially mine . I was relieved that it sounded like I could probably do my part . It would take a lot of practice , but I would be the lead of the parents in the program . I cannot express how excited I felt . I knew there was no stopping me now . What an opportunity for me to do something that only I could have dreamed of . I was much older than everyone else , but this didn 't seem to matter to me . I was chosen for the lead parent - probably because I was the oldest . Guess there are advantages , at times , for getting old ! | 46 47 : We practiced two times a week for six weeks . I practiced much more at home . There were many costume fittings , makeup and hair to learn . The dress I wore weighed 18 pounds and had a huge hoop slip under it . It also had a very low neckline , which made me stand very straight through all my routines . Things went well after I got used to being called " Hetter " and yelled at if I made a mistake . The night of dress rehearsal finally came . They were filming the dress rehearsal for all of the dancers to see later . Things were going well as I went to center stage . I was supposed to kneel down and pretend I had dropped an earring . When I started to come back up , my right foot caught in my hoop skirt and I started jumping around on my left foot . The man playing my husband was reaching for me , but in all my flailing around , he couldn 't catch me . I kept jumping , looking like a crazy person , until I hit the Christmas tree , knocking some of its ornaments off , including the star on top . Finally my foot came loose and I went into some crazy butterfly dance , arms out , up on my toes . All the other parents were and ran to the 48 : supposed to follow me . They also went into this crazy dance with me . I had no idea what I was doing , and neither did they . We got off the stage in hysterics , falling on the floor laughing . Except for me . I was crying and laughing at the same time , my nose running and tears flowing . We had to go back on stage , but our hair and makeup had certainly changed from all the laughing and crying . I remember catching the eye of my director . Her mouth was wide open and her arms were in the air . As I was trying to get my foot unstuck , her look , shall I say , didn 't look happy . There was a live orchestra for that production , so they continued . My feelings were very bruised and embarrassed . When the dress rehearsal was over , all that my director said ( with her deep eyes looking into mine ) was , " Don 't let that happen again . " I nodded . The next morning , one of the biggest days in my life , I woke early , my feelings still hurting from the night before . Needing to take my father to the doctor , I put my feelings aside . Daddy had not been feeling very well . It seemed he had a cold . I put " The Nutcracker " music on and dressed for the trip to the doctors , taking time to lay out the undergarments I would need to wear under my beautiful satin and silk dress . I left the house with a | 48 49 : smile that just wouldn 't leave . I knew it wouldn 't take long to see the doctor , and it made me feel good to share my pecial day with my dad . Arriving to pick up Daddy , greeting everyone where he lived and walking like the ballerina I thought I must be , I hugged Daddy . He said , " You seem happy . " " I am , " I said . " This is the day that once more I dance the ballet . " On the way to the doctor 's office , we laughed and talked about my four children and how they all were doing . When we arrived at the doctor 's office , they took us right in . I helped Daddy get to the exam room , him walking behind me holding my shoulders . Walking slowly , we had figured out a method for getting around - this had worked for us over the past few months . Helping Daddy up on the exam table , he lay down . " I feel really cold , " he said , so I took off my coat and put it over him , tucking him in . The door opened and his doctor came in and started the exam . Listening to Daddy 's heart , he looked at me with a puzzled expression . " Can you take your father across the hall to the x - ray room ? " " I 'm sure we have a method , don 't we , Daddy ? " I asked . He said nothing as I got him off the table . | 49 50 : We took about six or eight steps , and he dropped behind me to the ground . I have no idea what happened next , until standing in the waiting room , staring a blank stare , I heard , " Heather . Heather . Heather . " I turned and the doctor put his arms out as I ran toward him . " He 's gone . " I said , " He is not ! " and ran into the doctor 's arms , crying my heart out . I said , " I must see him . " The doctor agreed and took me into where they had put him on a table . It was very cold in that room , and I looked for my coat , for it seemed colder than anything I had ever known . As I looked at my daddy , I felt a loss that I had never felt before . My mother had gone a few years before , but I wasn 't there when she left us , much to my regret . As I stood there , calm came over me for a moment and these words came to me , " I 'm the next in line . " The sadness was overwhelming ; it had happened so suddenly . My husband and my oldest daughter were called . They came and picked me up to get my car and take it home . | 50 51 : Time was running short . The day had flown by and , not having a big part in the ballet , I had no understudy . I had to be there , but wasn 't sure how I could do it . The hurt in my heart was more than my worry of how things would go . Thanks to my daughter , Pam , she got me ready and even drove me to the stage door . I knew I had to go in , but my legs felt like big chunks . Nothing was like what I thought this night would be . My husband in the ballet whispered the moves to me , pas de bourree left , pas de bourree right . This is how we got through with a nearly perfect show , I was told . The director came up to me after the show was over and said , " Thank you . That was above what most people could have done . " That sentence is stuck in my heart forever . I could feel Mom and Daddy 's presence , and how they had taught me strength whenever I needed it . Thank you , Momma and Daddy . | 51 52 : I am anointed . I am creative . I am talented . I am successful . I have favor with God . People like me . I am a victor and not a victim . 53 : The Clown I think twelve is a hard age ; it sure was for me . That 's the year I became a woman , as all my aunts and my mom would say . That was their way to explain the happenings in a girl 's life around that age . Whatever that meant at that time , I didn 't want to know . I still felt like a little girl . Things did change that year , and one of them still haunts me to this very day . Excitement filled me so much that I started getting ready early in the afternoon . My parents , knowing how much I loved any kind of skating , had bought tickets to the Ice Capades for my birthday . My little sister , mom and dad would be going . I spent a lot of time figuring out what I should wear . It had to be a dress , for I wasn 't allowed to wear pants - it wasn 't what proper girls wore in 1949 according to my father . He himself could get by with almost anything , but he was strict with my sister Carolyn ( 3 years younger ) and me . After spending a lot of time picking out the dress I wanted to wear , I finally chose a beautiful emerald green velvet with ruffles around the | 53 54 : neck . I had only worn it once before at my mother 's best friend 's wedding . I thought the dress was really special . It was soft and I loved touching it . It didn 't itch me , for we didn 't realize at the time that I would have allergic reactions to scratchy things . I just couldn 't keep them on , which caused many silly fights with my mother . I laid the dress on my bed , then started fixing my long , bright red hair . It was very thick in those days and took a long time to dry . While it was drying I found a large clip my aunt had given me . She was my very favorite aunt , with her long red fingernails and beautiful black hair rolled up on top of her head . She worked in a cocktail lounge , and I thought she was so glamorous . I wished I could look just like her ! Even her name was so different : Delma . She invited me quite often to stay overnight at her house , and we would talk lots of girl stuff and laugh together . Her mouth was so big when she laughed . Her bright red lipstick made her teeth look really white . It was so special to see someone laugh in the way that she did . I would look in the mirror and pretend to laugh , hoping I would see her beautiful laughing face , not mine . I lacked self - esteem and needed my parents to show me affection with nice words , wonderful hugs , and ' I | 54 55 : love you , ' but that wasn 't the way my family did things . One night my aunt had me stay over at her house , something I obviously loved to do , with her big bed and soft sheets that smelled so sweet , her special hair brush and comb that lay on a mirror tray that she let me use . She would rub my hair back from my face and cuddle me in bed . All the time she would talk softly about things I can 't remember now but loved at the time . She made me feel very special and loved ; I could ask her anything . That night she took me to where she worked so she could pick up her check and introduce me to her friends . I so loved meeting her friends and being talked to by grownups . Where she worked was so fancy and pretty , rather dark with pretty lights all around the room . The people working wore black pants and starched white blouses with a bow at the neck . The men wore black ties and black shoes . My aunt wore black patent leather high heels that I often would try on . The name of the place was El Taejon Hotel , in Bakersfield , California , where we lived . A few days later I had to go home , and , of course I | 55 56 : started telling everything we did . When my father heard she had taken me in to the nightclub where she worked , he was very mad and spoke to her harshly . He was her brother and she was used to him , I suppose , for she didn 't seem to get upset . When he was through , she came over and hugged me and said in my ear , " It 's okay , sweet girl . We would never do anything wrong . " After thinking awhile about my aunt , I continued to dress . I looked at the big hair clip and , again thinking of her , I thought the clip she gave me would be just right with my dress . My legs and neck were too long , and I hated my freckles , but I could wear a little bit of lipstick now that I was a woman . My first tube had been given to me by my aunt - a little tube of pink lip gloss . When you put it on , it would turn pink on your lips . Tan Gee was the brand , and I still can smell it . It was very perfumery , and I liked it a lot . I thought this little bit of lipstick probably made up for how ugly I usually felt about myself . We were going to the Ice Capades , a very big deal for me ! I performed on roller skates at a couple of meets | 56 57 : the year before and had done pretty well . I received an eight - inch tall silver girl on skates as a trophy . I wish I had kept it and am not sure where it went . I suppose everyone gets a prize , when I think about it , but when they handed me my trophy , I felt something exciting in my stomach . Not a bad feeling - but something fun and happy . Being able to go to the big arena in town was such a treat for me . Our family didn 't do a lot of this sort of thing . As the excitement of the day built up , I thought lofty dreams that maybe I would be an ice skater some day and wear beautiful costumes . Maybe I would learn how to put makeup on so people could see me with a beautiful face and a big , happy smile . Maybe people would even clap for me . And just maybe someday I might be a champion on skates . I sighed and giggled , feeling embarrassed at my thoughts and myself , knowing my thoughts were definitely pretend . My parents would really not approve of me being so vain and giving myself that much attention . As we drove to the rink , with so much anticipation in me , I made sure I sat very carefully so my dress would not have a wrinkle in it . Finally the night had come ! | 57 58 : As we walked into the arena , there were hundreds of people . I 'm sure my eyes were as big as morning glories in full bloom . My head was darting everywhere . The excitement was magical . Then , all of a sudden from across the big arena there was an ugly large clown running right at me , yelling and screaming , skipping and hopping on one foot then the other . He was wearing big strange shoes as he came toward me , all this time making everyone hear him shouting with such a very loud voice , " Look ! Look ! Look , look , someone who looks just like me . " People stopped to join him in his fun , smiling and laughing . I was horrified ! He was coming right to me . He had a silly big red wig and his makeup was ugly , with big orange cheeks and long white eyelashes . His lips were not like my pale pink Tan Gee lips at all , and he just kept saying , " Look ! Don 't we look alike ? " Tears formed in my eyes , yet everyone laughed and did not notice how upset I was . I stood there frozen as he tried to dance with me , shouting , " Looks like me ! Looks like me ! " Not even my mom and dad noticed . They laughed and I could see my sister thought he was really 59 : funny . He finally stopped playing games with me and then left to torment someone else . I pretended to think he was funny so everyone would stay happy in my family , but my chin was quivering . I tried to make it stop . I felt a sob ready to come out . I wanted to go home , and I can 't remember seeing the show . This changed how I felt about myself the rest of my life . Even now it brings tears . For him to tell me I was ugly , or that is what I thought I heard him saying , had such an impact on my life . My heart ached , and I could only see myself through his eyes . I know it was just fun on his part and a job he was doing . And I know I was far too serious . Laughter didn 't come easy for me at twelve . On the way home , it was quite in the car . My parents never asked . They probably thought I was just taking it all in , and I guess that was the truth . I will say the one good thing I learned is to be aware of others ' feelings , and I 'm thankful for that . I pray I have never done so much damage to anyone in my path . I fear I have . . . please forgive me if it was you . Your Mom , Heather | 59 60 : I refuse to be discouraged , To be sad , or to cry ; I refuse to be downhearted , And here 's the reason why : I have a God who 's mighty , Who 's sovereign and supreme ; I have a God who loves me , And I am on His team . He is all - wise and powerful . Jesus is His name ; Though everything is changeable , My God remains the same . My God knows all that 's happening ; Beginning to the end ; His presence is my comfort ; He is my dearest Friend . When sickness comes to weaken me , To bring my head down low , I call upon my mighty God ; Into His arms I go . When circumstances threaten To rob me of my peace ; He draws me close unto His breast , Where all my strivings cease . | When my heart melts within me , And weakness takes control ; He gathers me into His arms , He soothes my heart and soul . The great " I AM " is with me . My life is in His hand ; The " Son of the Lord " is my hope , It 's in His strength I stand . I refuse to be defeated , My eyes are on my God ; He has promised to be with me , As through this life I trod . I 'm looking past all my circumstances , To Heaven 's throne above ; My prayers have reached the heart of God I 'm resting in His love . I give God thanks in everything . My eyes are on His face ; The battle 's His , the victory mine ; He 'll help me win the race . ( Author Unknown ) | 60 61 : The Berry Bushes My cousins and I had lots of great times together when we were still in grade school . One of the most special times was Sundays . In 1946 , most people went to church . There were no stores open to do any shopping on Sundays , so my family and all my cousins ' families would go to church , then off to my grandma and grandpa 's house in Wilderville , Oregon . It was a day of family and rest , and it seems we did just that . Sunday seemed to all of us to be a very special day . All of my mother 's sisters and their families would meet at Grandma and Grandpa 's log cabin . There was a barn and a creek on the property . This game us kids plenty of room to play . Our moms would bring big baskets of delicious food . We would all eat and talk and tell funny stories until we were so full . We all just lay around and needed to take naps . Some would play cards or other games . We kids liked to watch Grandpa drink his coffee from a china cup and saucer . He would pour his coffee in the cup , then put sugar and cream into his cup , stirring it all up . Then he would pour it into his saucer , lifting it to his lips . | 61 62 : He would make this wonderful slurping sound then let out a big sigh , as if it was the best thing he ever tasted . We would get bored with being inside and head out , running and laughing , seeing what fun we could have . Grandpa had his big wood stove cranked up so hot we could hardly breathe . Way too hot for kids . ots of times Grandma would sit with my sister , Carolyn , and my only girl cousin , Aileen , and we would sing songs from the hymnal . It felt so good to sit close to Grandma and feel her against me . She was a little heavy , some would say , but I thought Grandma was just right . She wore her white hair in a knot in the back . She used shortening on her face and elbows . When asked why , she said it made her soft and her skin a little pink . Grandma taught us the song , " In the Garden . " Still to this day it is one of my favorite songs , and I would like it sung at my memorial when I die . Grandma and Grandpa 's house was a wonderful place - so many memories . The kitchen had a bright red water pump at the sink . My aunts and mom had made a rock draining board . It wasn 't called a countertop then . That type of countertop is all the thing now in 2011 . For Sunday , Grandma hung white embroidery curtains that she had embroidered week days around the draining board . | 62 63 : When I grew older and took my children up there to see the cabin , I was shocked to see how small the log cabin was . How we all fit in there on those Sundays , I will never know . One of our favorite things all of us kids liked to do was climb on the hills and slide down them on wet gunny sacks . We got absolutely filthy . Oh , and we could pee right out in the woods . That was much better than going into the outhouse . None of us kids ever told our parents about that . If we carried water to the top of the hill , it was even a faster ride down . But what a job to carry buckets of water up that hill ! We always had extra clothes in the car , for our parents all knew we would get really dirty at Grandma 's . On one real hot day , we went to the river . Now looking back , I can 't believe our parents would let us go by ourselves . The Applegate River is a big river . My cousin Chuck ( or Charles ) had just gotten his driver 's license , and so we climbed into the car and took off to the river about three miles away . The boys all climbed up the trunk of a big tree then jumped way out , hitting the river yelling , " Tarzan ! ! ! ! " , who was a movie character . Tarzan would do dumb things , like swing from tree to tree . I 'm sure they thought they were Tarzan . The boys were having so much fun that my cousin , Aileen , who was a little bit of a tomboy , decided to | 63 64 : jump from the tree . Up she went , yelled " Tarzan ! ! ! " and splashed in the water . She came up laughing hard and yelling , " That was FUN ! " All the boy cousins thought she was great and yelled , " Good job ! Do it again . " Well , you are probably guessing by now that I thought I would try it . I was scared to death to even climb the tree , and not at all a tomboy in any way . I had lots of encouragement , though , from everyone below . I slowly went up , hanging on to the trunk of the tree for dear life . When I got to the place where I was to jump , they were all saying , " Go ahead ! You 're taking too long . You 're holding us up . We know you can do it ! " Off I went , flying through the air , legs and arms going every which way . I totally missed the river and landed in blackberry bushes that were all over the banks of Oregon rivers . My arms were up above my head and I was screaming . As I yelled , I wiggled , making me fall closer to the ground that was still a long way down . My two older boy cousins climbed the tree and reached down , barely able to reach me . They grabbed my arms just in time , for I was slipping deeper into the berry bushes . Oh , the pain ! Thorns | 64 65 : were stuck in me everywhere . They started pulling me up , and I started to cry . " Shut up ! You are such a girl . You better not tell our folks , " they yelled at me as they were pulling me up . Well , it would have been very hard for our parents not to have noticed . I was scratched from head to toe and crying . Aileen tried to soothe me , but the boys hated me and said I could never play or go with them again . You can imagine how mad and scared all the family was when we all walked in - me a mess and the boys all looked sour , scared and mad . It could have been a very bad scene , but again , God was watching over me as He has done so many times . My feelings were hurt , but I soon got over the scratches and the hurt feelings . The cousins still liked me the next Sunday , but we never got to go to the river again . I was reminded of this by all of them often . | 65 66 : P . S . : My grandma died in that log house after a Sunday dinner . She got up to go to the bathroom , and , after not returning for a long time , someone went out to check . She had died on the toilet . She was 82 years old and one of the finest Christian women I have ever known . Her seven children and their mates adored her , as did all of us grandkids . Grandpa died two years later , still being the feisty man he always was and with more tales to tell than anyone I know . He could sit for hours and tell us true ( and untrue ) stories - we never knew which . We all loved them . My cousin Garey got Grandpa 's gift for telling tales and tells them so much like Grandpa did . I 'm thankful that I still get to enjoy many of Grandpa 's great stories now told by my cousin Garey . | 66 67 : Let Go TO LET GO does not mean to stop caring - - it means I can 't do it for someone else . TO LET GO is not to cut myself off - it 's the realization I can 't control another . TO LET GO is not to enable , but to allow learning from natural consequences . TO LET GO is to admit powerlessness , which means the outcome is not in my hands . TO LET GO is not to try to change or blame another - it 's to make the most of myself . TO LET GO is not to fix but to be supportive . TO LET GO is not to judge , but to allow me to be a human being TO LET GO is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes , but to allow others to affect their own destinies . TO LET GO is not to be protective - it 's to permit another to face reality . TO LET GO is not to criticize or regulate anyone , but to try to become what I dream I can be . TO LET GO IS TO FEAR LESS AND TO LOVE MORE . | 67 68 : Car Wash It was a rushed morning . Bruce had to get to work , and the car needed to go for its annual check - up . I put on a short set , for it was a warm summer morning . The lace top was very loose and see - through , but it was just too hot to wear much of anything under it . So , we took off . Bruce was ahead of me headed into Medford to a car dealer . We lived in Ashland at the time . When I saw a car wash , I thought that they would probably take better care of the car if it was clean . I pulled into the car wash . It wouldn 't take long . I put my money in and pulled into the wash . I sat there feeling very much in a hurry , for Bruce would be looking for me . I rolled down the window and honked my horn . The young man came out , and I told him it hadn 't come on . He reached up , hit a button and immediately all the water hit that open window so that I couldn 't get the window up . I was absolutely soaked , sitting in deep water in my leather seats . I was soaked from head to toe . There was two inches of water on the floor boards before the boy could get it stopped . I looked at him , and we both started laughing so hard as he was trying to say , " I 'm sorry . " I said , " Never mind . I 'm in a hurry . " I took off , water slouching everywhere . I had one small hanky that I wiped my face with so I could see the road and turned the heat up high , trying to dry . 69 : When I arrived at the car dealer , Bruce rushed over to me . I stepped out of the car just as the salesman came up . They both looked at me with big eyes , and Bruce asked , " What happened ? " At that moment I realized my top had stretched to my knees and you could see everything through the lace . I started to explain , but just turned and got into Bruce 's car . He took care of business and , as we drove him to work , I told him the story . He really didn 't think it was so funny . Seems he was worried more about the car . Leaving Bruce at work and taking his car , I headed home . As I arrived at the first light in Ashland , a man pulled up beside me and made gestures . Thinking this was strange with me looking like I looked , I ignored him . At the next light he made more gestures . By the third light he rolled down his window and yelled , " You have a flat tire ! " I waved and smiled pitifully . I thought , you stupid woman . At the next service station I turned in and explained I needed a new tire . I 'm sure they could see that . The man opened my door and said for me to wait inside . But when he saw how I looked , he must have understood when I said no , I needed to sit . Here . | 69 71 : The phone call came in on one beautiful morning on the Coast . Not many mornings on the Oregon coast are so beautiful . My heart was singing . The day was going to be a busy day with my girlfriend that I hadn 't seen in a while coming to visit me . As I picked up the phone , I felt the dread you sometimes feel when you just know there is something about to happen . I thought of my friend , then I heard my husband say that our friend , Jim , had died . My heart sank . We had only known Jim for a short time , but we had become good friends . My husband was told the funeral was on Saturday . He said , " I have to run to the store , so you will have to go alone to his funeral . Hon , the funeral is going to be held on his boat in the harbor . " Boats are one of my scary things . Even though my family always tried to get me to go , I never would . We called him Old Jim , for he was wise beyond his years and had a terrific sense of humor . Old Jim had tried to get me to go out on the ocean on his boat many times . During my one 72 : experience in Hawaii to watch the whales , I began throwing up five minutes into the boat ride . It was very embarrassing when the people on the boat all had to hear me and see me hanging over the side . The captain kept moving me down wind . That had not been a good experience for me , so my answer was always no when asked to go boating . The time on the whale boat was nothing compared to the day of Old Jim 's funeral . As I arrived at the dock , I noticed others were getting on his boat . Oh my , I thought , that was nice . They were thinking of Jim and his many days and his love for this boat . But then I realized there was another boat that others were getting on and a Coast Guard boat , shiny and bright looking , waiting in the deep water . I felt this was a little much but a very nice gesture . Suddenly it dawned on me , they were holding the funeral on the boats . So , like the bright woman I am , I got on the second boat with many others . Old Jim 's wife was on the first boat and I thought to myself that I would speak to her once we stepped off . My heart jumped - are we moving ? We were moving ! | 72 73 : 73 | This was awful . I would have to either jump or yell , and either way was not a good idea . Total embarrassment , in my life , is avoided at all cost . Remember Miss Strive For Perfection ? We slowly moved out to sea . I could easily have cried . I knew no one on the boat , but I thought that this wouldn 't take too long . We surely wouldn 't go far . But why was the big shiny Coast Guard boat with us ? The shoreline couldn 't be seen any more . My head was spinning , my stomach was ready to explode . Then they cut the motors . They tied the two boats together as the shiny Coast Guard boat sat idling over us . We started rocking side to side , back and forth . Oh dear , I could feel it coming up . The minister was on the other boat , and he started speaking over a loud speaker , giving us all the stories of the wonderful man Old Jim had been . My ears were ringing and his loud voice didn 't help my head from spinning . As the service went on , the minister handed Old Jim 's wife a large black garbage bag . Tears were running down my cheeks . I was trying so hard not to be noticed ; most probably thought I was sad . In a few 74 : seconds my mind changed from me to the black bag . It was a really large bag . My tears stopped . Was Old Jim that large of a man ? Surely that wasn 't him in there . It took my mind off me for a moment . The minister said something , but I couldn 't hear what . The sack was raised over the side of the boat , and the ashes started coming in full abundance . As I watched in amazement , the wind picked up the ashes and blew them right at me . They filled my big Afro hair - do and my face and my black pants and my black sweater - all with white ashes . I never knew that the ashes would hurt , but they did . Not all of the bones were gone , so , besides ashes , I was ducking the small little bones that hit my face . Others on my boat were in shock as much as I . I turned and looked at them , they looked at me , and we all started laughing . I was covered and was all white instead of all black . The ashes had hit no one else but me . I made new friends that day , and , in a very sick way , it was one of the funniest things they had ever seen . We made it back to port , and I wasn 't even sick . I didn 't stop to talk to Mary , Old Jim 's wife . Getting into my car in a hurry , I stepped on the gas and started up the hill from the port to Brookings , laughing and singing , " I 'm gonna wash that Jim right out of my hair ! " That 's just what I did , standing in my shower , singing the song that just wouldn 't go away . I thought , yes , Old Jim , you surely do have a sense of humor . You always had teased me about my shyness . You fixed that today . " 75 : 75 | " When your determination changes , everything else begins to move in the direction you desire . The moment you resolve to be victorious , every nerve and fiber in your being immediately orient themselves toward your success . On the other hand , if you think , ' This is never going to work out ' , at that instant every cell in your being will be deflated , giving up the fight . Everything then will move in the direction of failure . I want you to understand the subtle workings of the mind . How you orient your mind , the kind of attitude you have , greatly influences both yourself and your environment . " 76 : Angel Going up and down old Highway 99 ( now I - 5 ) was a common event when I was in my 20s with my three darling daughters . My husband Keith 's parents and mine lived in Grants Pass , Oregon , and we lived in Santa Monica , California . The girls were 2 , 4 , and 6 on this special night in my life that probably was a near tragedy . My husband would make a big bed in the back seat of the car by putting our luggage on the floor so I could put big blankets to cover the whole area and make the girls a cozy play area with their dolls and coloring books and their own blankies . We didn 't even know about car seats in the late 1950s . Having a place for them to play and sleep was important to us . It was a 12 - hour drive , a two - lane road and not the best at that time . We were used to going at least three times a year , for we so missed our parents and friends . We would start our trip in late afternoon so the | 76 77 : girls could play and settle in , then get dinner , then get their nighties on . They would go to sleep knowing that , when they woke up , we would be almost to Popo and Gamper 's house . It was cozy and fun to have them asleep . My husband and I could talk and even sing . It was a long trip and got somewhat boring after awhile . We would take turns driving while the other one of us slept . This particular night it was around 3 : 00 in the morning , and my husband had asked me to drive . I said , sure , and he got in the back with the girls to get some sleep . I was quietly listening to whatever I could find on the radio . There wasn 't much on in those days late at night . The next thing I remember is Keith screaming at me , ' What the * * * * are you doing ? ' I said , ' I can 't go . See that man standing in the middle of the road , right in front of our car ? Look , he is all in white ! ' My husband said , ' There 's no man standing there ! Get over ! ' and he came flying over the seat . Cars were going by us from every direction . On a two - lane road , there 's not many places you can go . As I scooted over , I was stunned at what had just | 77 78 : happened . I knew I had been stopped by an angel . I must have fallen asleep , but could this have been true ? I had never heard anyone tell a story like this before . I sat there unable to speak . My husband was mad and kept asking what did I think I was doing . I finally got the only words out that I could say , and that was , ' I ' M NOT SURE ! ' As time has gone by , I am sure we were saved that night from a terrible accident - - my husband , my little girls and myself . | Selling out your dreams , you quit on yourself before you have a chance to arrive . | 78 80 : Not very many people are surprised when my name change comes up . I was surprised how often people change their names . Most of the time , others keep it to themselves until I mention it . There are many reasons why people choose to change their name . At first , you think they must want to hide something or something bad has happened . Usually , thought , it is for the same reason I wanted to change mine . From as far back as I can remember , I wanted my name to be Heather . My dolls were all named Heather . When I asked my mother if I could change my name at the age of 12 , she had a fit and said I really hurt her . She loved the name Faye . Yes , my name was Faye Ellen . Not a bad name , just , in my head , it didn 't fit me . My change of name was a little different than some others . My grandfather had a choice in it . He later molested me , so there were raw feelings that I didn 't understand until I was 44 years old . When people would call out my name , it felt hurtful , like they were being mean to me , or they didn 't like me . The time had come to make a lot of changes in my life . Children were grown and I 81 : was divorced , hoping for a new beginning . When Bruce asked me to marry him , I knew it was the right time to change and finally do what I had wanted to do for so long . Many friends were taken aback and some refused to call me anything but Faye . Some would start to say Faye , then remember my name was Heather - - so it came out Feather . The nickname has stuck with a few of my old friends to this day . That is where this book 's name comes from . I asked our attorney how to go about it . He explained that I must post it on a form that you could pick up at the courthouse , then you must display it for six months in a public place . I put them at the courthouse , library , and I can 't remember the third . When you picked up the form , they set up a date for the hearing in front of a judge . On the day I was to go to court , no one went with me . I think I didn 't ask any one , and now wish I had . It was such a big day for me . I had never been in a courtroom , and wasn 't at all sure what to do . The first man on the docket went | 81 82 : forward after the judge called him , so I waited until the judge called me . As I walked to the podium , I thought my heart would jump out of my chest . The judge was older and very stern looking . He looked over the top of his glasses at my face , my big eyes taking it all in . He asked , ' Why do you wish to change your name ? ' I looked back and said that it was a private matter . He looked down at me again , then at the papers , and smiled . ' Have a good life , HEATHER MCGREGOR , ' stamped the papers and handed them back . I walked back to my seat and a lady said I could leave now . I got up and walked out . I stood outside , legs shaking and excitement in my heart . My mind said that my new name marks a new ownership of myself , and I felt elated to start a new destiny . I love to hear people call my name . It always feels warm and loved . I have never been sorry for a minute . I wish my mother could have understood , but daughters and mothers have the right to disagree on the things in each other 's life . It doesn 't change the love they have for each other . PS : My mother never forgave me and never ever called me Heather . 83 : Blessed In Aging by Esther Mary Walker Blessed are they who understand My faltering step and shaking hand Blessed who know my ears today Must strain to hear the things they say . Blessed are those who seem to know My eyes are dim and my mind is slow Blessed are those who look away When I spilled tea that weary day . Blessed are they who , with cheery smile , Stopped to chat for a little while Blessed are they who know the way To bring back memories of yesterday . Blessed are those who never say " You 've told that story twice today . " Blessed are they who make it known That I am loved , respected and not alone . And blessed are they who will ease the days Of my journey home , in loving ways . | 83 84 : OUCH ! This is how it happened . You will think this is not a true story , but , believe me , it is . Can you remember how bad you have to go to the potty when you come out of a movie ? This time I had to go so bad , but there was a long line . I thought of offering someone $ 1 . 00 if I could go ahead of them . Instead , I just stood there , a little panicked , moving up one lady at a time . Finally in the bathroom stall , I was so relieved to get to start peeing that I forgot and put the gum from my mouth into the piece of toilet paper I had pulled off . When finished with my duty , I wiped , as we all do , and to my horror , I realized the gum was stuck in my hair . Not the hair on my head , either . When I tried to pull it off , the paper was also stuck . What a mess - it was stuck big time . The more I tried to wipe , the worse it got . I got up and realized I could very uncomfortably walk . When I got to my car and sat down , I was very happy that I was able to walk at all , for it isn 't easy to walk with that 85 : part of your body stuck together ( especially trying not to let anybody notice ) . As I sat down in the car , it pulled and felt awful . My girl friend was with me , and not wanting to act like I had done something so stupid , I thought I could keep it to myself - until I broke out in laughter . She and I could not stop laughing as I explained what had happened . It was one of those funny moments that aren 't really funny . We made it to my house in spite of the hysterical laughing , and she started making wise cracks about my crack . Not funny . It was stuck to everything . Pulling it off brought tears to my eyes , and the panties went into the trash , ruined . Probably you have had too much information by now , but a razor and mayonnaise Don 't ask . It was my friend 's idea to put mayonnaise on it , and problem solved . A big bubble bath was also in order for the day . | 85 86 : My Seventh Birthday How could I ever forget my seventh birthday when it was the most special birthday a child could have . Mom said I wasn 't going to have a party this year , but it would be a special time for me . Well , that didn 't make me very happy , for I was used to very big and special birthdays . We lived in Bakersfield in my seventh year . I had many friends from school , dance class and Sunday school . Every one I knew had regular parties and that is what I wanted . When I acted very spoiled and said I didn 't want whatever it was that Momma and Daddy had planned . I would later regret those words and glad they knew best , going with what they had decided . On May 2 , my supposed to be big day , I woke up feeling sad and acted not very nice to my parents . They seemed overly excited and tried to get me in a happy mood . Mom had laid out my clothes , told me to eat my breakfast and get dressed . We had to be somewhere at 10 : 00 that morning . | 86 87 : We left in the car and proceeded to take seven more modes of transportation . What a day this was ! We parked the { car } and got on a { streetcar } , then a { bus } , { taxi } , { small plane } , { train } - - and the best of all , the { Goodyear blimp ! } . I went by myself of the blimp , and it was one of the most exciting birthdays I could ever have . Pretty clever of my folks , I would say ! ! ! | Not obeying is disobeying . | 87 88 : Maybe I 'm old . My age in numbers ( 74 ) say I am . I don 't feel it - - if it is so , may I remember daily to bring a little sunshine and love to those around me . Thank you , Lord , that I have had the chance to grow old . Many of my friends have not been so fortunate . Blessings to all those in my life , all the love shown me , and to the memories of my years . - - Heather |
First of all a belated Merry Christmas to all . This year is almost over and I don 't think I have ever been so grateful . Scott and I are doing quite a bit better but we still have work to do . Ethan is still up in Washington and from the sounds of it , staying . He is doing amazingly well . A down side is that he has gained over 20 lbs from the looks of the pictures I have seen . Emma flew up to Washington to spend the Christmas Holiday with her dad and stepmom and has texted me a few pictures . Emma has been miserable up there . She starts texting me at 7am and doesn 't stop until almost midnight . I don 't think they interact with her very much unless it is to try to talk her into moving up there with them permanently . Why would she want to do that when they won 't spend much time with her . She 's been up there since the 17th and she flies home on New Year 's Eve . Very excited for her to come home . This was my first Christmas without Ethan and Emma and it was a little rough . I stayed busy enough to not think about it much but I still miss them . Ronnie is doing so well here . He is a Sophomore with A 's and B 's in his honors classes , was on his way up to Varsity Wrestling until the muscles in his arm were torn . He is disappointed but dealing with it . Because of the torn muscles , wrestling is done for this year and Tennis is out as well . He said " it 's all good , I still have the ladies " . WOW , we have a steady string of girls coming through the house and have since school started . The friends he has made are great kids . I thought at first I would hate having a teenage boy here but I love it . Out of all the parents , Scott and I are the cool parents . They all spend the night here a few times a month and we have junk food and soda on hand at all times , live just 4 blocks from the mall , let them play video games as long as they stay quiet once Midnight rolls around , and insist on playing video games with them once in a while . The fact that I cook and bake for them plays a roll in the cool part for some reason . A couple have said their mPosted by Well , another new chapter is about to begin . Last Sunday was a lazy morning . At first . Scott and I were being lazy and staying in bed until he absolutely had to get up and get ready for work . We could hear the kids playing in the front of the house and we didn 't hear any fighting . Emma came in to tell us that Ethan had eaten lots of food during the night and Ethan came back screaming at her to shut up . We told all the kids to go out in the backyard for a while . After that it got very quiet . Scott was getting up to get ready for work and I was reading a book . Emma came back again , this time to say she couldn 't find Harley or Ethan . They weren 't in the backyard or any part of the house . We left the house to search the neighborhood . Scott finally found them 4 blocks away . Ethan had packed a bag for him and one for Harley . They had a blanket and pillow and food . They were running away to live at the park . I was just too angry to deal with Ethan so I did something I 've never done before . I called his dad who is in Washington State and told him what had happened and asked him to talk to Ethan . I regret doing that now because what finally ended up being the solution is hurting me . Apparently Ethan has wanted to live with his dad for a while now but hasn 't told me because he didn 't want to upset me . Apparently a lot of others have known this too but no one has wanted to tell me and upset me . I would rather have known than have Ethan live here and be upset . I know this all stems from the relationship between Scott and Ethan . Scott feels Ethan shouldn 't be treated any different just because he is a special needs child . OK , Yes I am easier on Ethan but he does have chores and is expected to do them . If he doesn 't do them or throws a fit than he does get in trouble . Just not to the extent Scott feels is appropriate . He has had numerous doctors tell us that we can 't treat Ethan like a normal child because he just isn 't one . He will need different rules to accommodate for his disabilities . Scott just refuses to believe this . SPosted by I forgot to mention that our Guinea Pig died . We knew it was coming but the kids still cried . I went to work one morning and he was breathing and squeaking at me for his carrots . I got home from work and he was stiff as a board . So I 'm thinking he died not long after I left that morning . Ethan and Emma both cried hard . Harley kind of sniffled and then asked if we could feed him to the ants . Because you know , the ants are hungry . Then Scott and Ronnie took it one step further and wanted to stick a fire cracker up its butt . I put the dead rodent in a shoe box and threw it away . I was considered the bad parent for a few days after that . Ethan and Emma were upset because they wanted to bury him . Harley upset because I wouldn 't feed it to the ants . Scott and Ronnie upset because I wouldn 't let them shove a fire cracker up it 's ass . What a week that was ! The first day of school came and went without too much drama . Stepson , I 'm just going to use his name now that he lives with us , Ronnie , and Emma said it was ok and it took most of dinner to drag out what their teachers were like and the students they met . Emma and Ethan knew so many kids that came over with them from their elementary school but there were so many new kids there and Emma has already found a new boy to crush on . It 's going to be a long year ! I took Ethan to school and Emma rode with a friend yesterday . I spent about an hour getting Ethan settled , his meds updated with the nurse and then wandered around and got a little nostalgic as I remembered my years at the school . It 's a little strange having my kids go to the same elementary and middle school that I went to . Both schools have changed so much but are still the same . Ronnie said his first day was pretty good . It was actually just the first day for kids moving up a school or new to the school district . Ronnie said he 's ready for all the other students to show up so he can meet some GIRLS ! ! ! He said he had about 10 girls give him their numbers yesterday but they were Freshmen and he wants to meet some Sophmores or Juniors now . Oh JoyFound out that he can 't start drivers ed until he 's been here at least 6 months so I have time to get used to the idea and save money . We didn 't get school supplies during tax free weekend because there were no lists to go by so we get to do that this weekend . And the lists for 3 kids is huge . I took yesterday off to spend the day with Ethan at school but he told me he was fine I should just go home . I was a little shocked but I went home . I spent a few hours all by myself in a nice quiet house reading . I never get to do that again so I took advantage of the free time . I ate lunch with Scott , which made me sick , and then spent the afternoon rotating between the bed and the bathroom . Good times . I feel better today , still a little queasy but no where near what I felt yesterday . I 'm looking forward to a weekend of doing Posted by As much as I love baseball I don 't pay that much attention to it . I miss the days I played rec softball . I miss the people I saw there and only there . And truthfully I miss the girl who got me involved in softball . We met as Sophomores in high school and were best friends until 5 1 / 2 years ago . That just happened to be the time Scott came along . I discovered that this friend liked Scott just as much as I did . Problem ? This time no . As friends we often liked the same guy but I always bowed out and let her go after him . Why ? Because she was , I was going to say stronger but that 's not right . I 'm just as strong a woman as she was or is . She has always been just that much more sure of herself than I was . Maybe not anymore but in high school she was . Scott asked me out on a date , over the phone , even though he 'd never met me . I didn 't know this but he had seen me so he knew what I looked like . This made my friend so upset but she never once told me . She just set about her own way to try to steal Scott from me . But Scott found her repulsive . I could never figure out why until she finally admitted the truth to me . Scott saw through her immediately . He knew what kind of person she really was . For some reason I was blind to it for years and years . Even after all that she did to try to sabotage Scott and myself I still miss her . Especially during Connie Mack . We would go to the games together and sit and watch the games , unlike every other teenage girl that was there . The other girls were there to socialize , flirt with boys , be seen , but never to actually watch the games . We both got married and she moved to the East Coast and I moved to the West Coast . We both moved back after a time and she got me involved in rec softball . So I miss softball but for some reason I haven 't tried to find a new team to join to play again . I still go to Connie Mack games but I go with just family . I say just family but I 've gone to games with my mom since I was in elementary school . It 's our bonding time I guess , we sit in the bleachers in the Posted by Another posting draught has entered my life . Too many things going on & I don 't know where to start . Stepson has moved in with us and so far it has been a pretty smooth transition . He is such a great kid that life is pretty good on the kid front right now . He does chores and the house and yard work without being asked or told . He helps out with Harley and tolerates Emma 's hounding so well . Emma complained and whined that he was moving in but I do believe she secretly loves having him here all the time . She is starting to really come out of her shell and I just hope that starting middle school in 2 weeks and 3 days doesn 't force her back in to it . Ethan and Emma just got back from a 2 week camping trip with their dad , stepmom , and the OutLaws . Emma has gone into great detail of where they were , what they saw , what they didn 't get to do , and even what they ate . She was bummed because her dad and stepmom wouldn 't let her and her stepsister explore a small area around their camp ground . I can understand , they were at Yellowstone . So instead of telling the girls they have to sit in camp all day and do nothing , go explore with them ! ! But no , that didn 't happen . Emma said she did have fun but was just so bored most of the time . Ethan hasn 't said much other than he now wants to go live with his dad . The first time he said it I didn 't exactly blow it off but I skirted the comment and redirected his line of thinking . I assumed it was a one time thing because that 's what Ethan does , after every summer spent with his dad he wants to move there . But once he 's home for a couple of days he changes his mind . This time he hasn 't . He keeps asking . I guess I need to write my ex and tell him what is going on . I explained to Ethan that since school starts in just a couple weeks and he 's already registered at his new middle school that he will have to go to school here this year and we shall see how it goes towards the end of the school year and see how he feels . I really don 't know how to feel about this ! We just Posted by Scott moved back in last weekend . A few days before our 4th counseling session . It shocked me that he just showed up last weekend with most of his stuff and Harley 's stuff and they never left . Truthfully I 'm not sure how I feel about this . I have barely slept since they came back . I am so so happy Harley is back and I have missed him so much but Scott ? We are too busy either bickering or walking around each other on egg shells , afraid to say something wrong and make the other mad . Even though he just moved back in we have a whole new development that will test us alot more than what we have already gone through . Scott 's 15 year old son will be moving in with us in a month . Permanently . Not just for 6 weeks during the summer . We get to register him in school , he wants to be a volunteer firefighter when he turns 16 , drivers ed , and whatever else might pop into his highly intelligent mind . This kid is so smart it 's a little scary . I totally understand why he wants to move here . His mom tries to treat him like an adult when it comes to the housework and school work but when it comes to actually talking to him and listening to him she either can 't or won 't . He will try to talk to his mom about his future and all she can talk about is how he 's doing on his school work . He tries to talk to her about the death of his uncle a few months ago and she ignores him . He won 't have more freedom here but he will have open minded parents that will listen to him and talk to him . Not sure what this will bring , trying to repair our marriage and adding a teenage boy to the mix . Actually after last night I 'm really not sure how much longer we will be together . We went to bed not long after he got home from work at 10 : 30pm . Which is about 1 / 2 hour later than normal . . . . . We shared a piece of chocolate cake and watched CSI Miami and I dozed off about 1am . I 'm not sure what time he went to sleep but he was upset with me for falling asleep when I did . At 2 : 30am my cell phone rang and at that time of night I just answer the phone , I didn 't loPosted by I realized it has been over a month since I last posted . Scott is still out of the house but we are in marriage counseling . He has said that he will move back home after the 4th counseling session , depending on my attitude . This next Thursday will be our 4th session . I can understand giving it time to come back home , we are finally talking and I 'm learning not to bottle up my hurt and anger or any other feelings besides happiness . It 's coming at a price because now we argue alot more than we ever have . I guess that 's a good thing because we are actually talking now . But the whole depends on my attitude has angered me . It took two of us to get here and it 's going to take two of us to get our marriage back . I 've been more of a weekend wife for him . He stays here on the weekends and Sunday night he goes back to his parents house . They are redoing their basement and have plans to turn it into an apartment for Scott and Harley . Which is fine because if we don 't work out then they have a place that won 't cost Scott rent every month . I thought I was ready for him to come home but the more time we spend together this weekend the more I 'm not ready . I quit sleeping again or when I do sleep it 's very restless . I am so tired again . I don 't know what to do ! Emma is so unhappy that we are trying to save our marriage . She was happy thinking it was going to be just her , Ethan , and me again . She was even leaving Harley out . I don 't know how to help her either . I feel she should be used to us being married now because we have been married 5 years . When he is in the house I 'm back to tryin to make sure everyone is happy but me . And that 's just not going to work . I need to find a way to even things out but I don 't know where to start . I have all these I don 't know things going on at home and I feel kind of stupid for it . At work I kow exactly what to do , when to do it , how to do it . I have people calling me for help constantly because even if I don 't have the answer I can find it pretty fast . I love my work . I still don 't love my home liPosted by He has been out of the house for 2 weeks now . When we are together we don 't talk . Well , we talk about the " normal every day " stuff . Kids , work , family . The way we talk about us is through text messaging . That seems to be the only way he can open up and talk to me . I hate it . He sends me these long text messages to me while I 'm at work . I feel obligated to respond to them , which of course takes away from work . If I go for a couple of hours without answering because I 'm busy he gets upset . Not mad , almost whiny , like I 'm ignoring him on purpose . It is getting easier to be around him , at least the achy feeling has stopped . I realized I would tense my whole body up when he was around . When he would leave , and I was finally alone , I would finally breathe . I would let myself relax . He brought me ice cream last night . We sat next to each other on the bed and shared it . We didn 't really talk but at least it didn 't feel too weird . I really don 't know what else to say right now . I want to say I 'm happier without him but I still don 't know . So I guess that means I 'm not happier without him . Or maybe its just my heart healing pain . He told me again today he can 't give me the one guarantee I 'm asking for . All I 'm asking for is communication . I don 't see how that is such a bad thing to want . My first marriage had absolutely no communication other than him yelling and me crying . He knew how bad my first marriage was . Scott has never been abusive in any way . The only similar thing between this marriage and the last is the lack of communication . I 'm tired of being the one carrying the emotional part of this marriage . His idea of fixing something is to make me laugh . That only masked our issues . Now that they are big and in his face he is having a hard time dealing with it . He blames himself for this . I blame myself for this . In reality , it 's both of us that caused this . I don 't know where we will be in a month or a year but I 'm going to make sure to protect me better this time than I did the last time . If that sounds harsh , Oh Well . Posted by All that talking has lead to Scott moving out . He moved out a 1 1 / 2 weeks ago . He also took Harley with him . Not sure what to say about that right now . I 'm sleeping more , and through the night finally . Don 't know if it is because I am happier that he is gone or because I 'm depressed . I 'm actually spending time with Ethan and Emma though . We go to the park almost every day after dinner . We walk and ride bikes and play basketball . The days I don 't talk to Scott I feel good . The days I do talk to Scott I feel horrible . My head pounds and my stomach hurts . I just hurt all over . I miss Harley dearly but I talk to him every day and he spent the night with us Friday night . Scott and I have gone out on " dates " twice now . Last Saturday we went to Red Lobster and tried to have a nice meal and start the talks on where we are going . But it was Prom night for one of the high schools here and so we didn 't talk much during dinner . After dinner we drove around and we both spilled everything onto the table . Then I made the mistake parking the car so I could concentrate more on talking and less on driving . We started making out like teenagers . Then we were even more stupid and got a room . Being with him didn 't feel right . Don 't get me wrong , it felt good but not right . When I finally got home that night I couldn 't sleep . I think I dozed off about 4am or so . Friday night I took Ethan and Emma to see Iron Man . Great movie . I loved it ! But they called and invited Scott to go with us . I kept my mouth shut and he sat by me in the movie . He kept wanting to touch me , hold my hand , put his arm around me . Awkward . When the movie was over I took the kids and left and he went , well , I 'm assuming just drove around because an hour later he asked if he could come over and talk . Stupid me again . Said yes . He lay in bed next to me and couldn 't keep his hands off me . Still doesn 't feel right being with him . He left a couple of hours later , after lots of touching and little talking . I told him that had to quit . No more until we know where we are . LPosted by We finally talked last night . After a week of avoiding each other . And it wasn 't pretty . What came out of him is that he didn 't realize what he was doing . He didn 't realize he had been so unbearably grouchy or coming down harder on my kids or being just plain mean . What came out of me was so much more . I am just unahppy right now . Unhappy with my life . I am so ready to send Ethan and Emma to live with their dad for a while so I don 't mess them up even more than I already have . I want Harley to go away because everything he does irritates me . I don 't know how to deal with a " normal " 4 year old boy and Scott doesn 't know how to deal with a " special " 12 year old boy . I feel after almost 6 years together we should have found a compromise on how to raise the kids . We still haven 't found a way that works for both of us . Scott is a generation older than me and he is a die hard Marine . He is so stubborn and set in his ways and I don 't think he can change . Really though , how fair is it of me to ask him to change . He shouldn 't have to change . Right now I am the one changing . I need a serious mental break but I don 't know how to get there . Ethan and Emma are going camping with their dad and step mom at the end of July . I don 't want to wait that long for a break . I am a horrible mom right now and I know it . Scott says I 'm being human , the stress of the new position at work ( which I really don 't feel stressed from work anymore but maybe I am , just a different kind of stress ) , stress of having my mom live with us ( she has made it perfectly clear if we move she is coming with us ) , the stress of having a special needs child slowly going into teenage hood , the stress of having a 4 year old ( I swear the terrible two 's are nothing compared to the Horrible Fours ) , and never having a break . This is selfish of me but I want some me time in my own home . A whole day to have peace and quiet and watch SciFi all alone or listen to music and read a book or take a bath uninterrupted . The older kids get the house to themselves 3 times a week after sPosted by Today was a beautiful day . 74 degrees outside . Sunny with a light breeze . Almost perfect . What made it even better was Scott got home early from work , about 3 hours early . We spent the day together and we both tried to be nice to each other . At first it was really hard . I wanted to just run our errands and then go home . He wanted to stop at this store and that store and look at stuff for my new truck . If I didn 't show interest in something he would look at something else . He tried so much harder than me to be nice . By the end of the day we were almost enjoying each other . We did lots of yard work and finally , finally got around to taking down our Christmas lights . We are such big procrastinators . I thought about Him quite often but the busier I stayed the easier it was to not think about Him . I have to go back to work tomorrow and so maybe we 'll have both come to our senses by then . Right now Scott is on the lap top looking up license plates for the front of both of our trucks . I 'm still at a point where I don 't want to talk to him . The meanness and attitude lasted too long , almost 3 months . I know some women deal with it so much longer and I dealt with it for 5 years of my first 6 year marriage . But he has never done this before . I think that is why I 'm not quite ready to forget it so we can move on . He did hug me today and we did kiss for a minute in the kitchen , almost burning dinner . But then he picked up his glasses and walked away . He hasn 't tried to touch me since . We both worked hard today though , maybe he is just tired . I know I am . Not sure what else to say right now . I am tired and sore , yard work always brings out muscles you never realized you had . I think it is time for a hot shower and bed . Unfortunately I know he will stay out here in the living room , playing on the lap top until probably 2 or 3 am . If he comes to bed with me I will be shocked . On that bright note , sarcasm here , I hope you all have a good week . And my stomach still doesn 't feel any better . I discovered I 've lost 15 lbs in the past 3 1 / 2 montPosted by So I can 't get away from this subject lately . The guy at work . I wrote what I did to see if anyone I work with still reads this and from the none reaction I got about the last blog I think they have all quit reading here . Which is just fine because I now I can truly talk and use this for what I truly intended , a diary of sorts . I can 't write all my thoughts in an actual diary because my daughter is too snoopy . I know my husband wouldn 't read a diary but he would be extremely curious . So here goes We have been married 5 years now . We have 5 kids between us . Our marriage is pretty rocky right now . It has been since just before our anniversary , so about 3 months now . He is very good at his job and enjoys it because he deals with cars and car parts all day . The bigwigs in his division have noticed him and are encouraging him to advance and take the managers board to try to move up in the company . The first time he took the board for 1st assistant he failed . Just barely but enough that he has to take it again . This past week I have felt horrible . Every time I eat I get sick , so I 've been sticking to yogurt drinks and oatmeal . Those two foods seem to be ok with my stomach . Since I haven 't felt good I 've been going to bed earlier than normal , before he gets home from work . When he is home he either doesn 't talk to me or snaps at me . I spent all last Friday night curled up in bed hurting and crying because I was so tired of the arguing and feeling crappy . Every other night , when he has been home , he will make dinner and then watch one of his shows . If I tried to talk to him he would just grunt . I finally found out this big attitude is because he is going up on the managers board again and actually took the test Thursday . He told me the night before that he needed to study but had never brought any materials home to look at . I said that first thing that popped in my head , which was How come you didn 't tell me you were taking the board again . He swears he did . I don 't remember . So we argued . We actually went out last night Posted by The talk around work is that the tax deadline is just a few days away . Ours are done and already spent . That 's the problem with a refund , it goes so fast ! So updates on the last post . The one friend didn 't win the City Council Post he was hoping to get . The other friend is still gunning for Congress and has filed the papers and been to I don 't know how many meetings . The guy at work that has the hots for me ? Well , I 'm just going to leave that alone right now . Truthfully I don 't know if I will ever talk about that here . Maybe if I had a blog that was full of nothing but naughty , nasty writing . Enough said . . . . . . . . . But I 've discovered it 's not just that one punk kid that has the hots for me . There are a couple of others . I quickly lost the thought that only my husband could find me sexy . I went from answering phones in a call center to my own office where I get to boss a bunch of men around and it has now gone straight to my head ! Absolutely horrible of me but I am truly lovin ' it . For the past couple of years I hated to get up for work . Since I switched positions I love going to work . I haven 't forgotten at all what I look like , I don 't think I am sexier or cuter than I really am but having these men tell me I am sexy and beautiful is great for the self - esteem . Enough of that for now . I splurged and traded in my car for a brand new Dodge Nitro . It is the burnt orange color . Ok , my car was fine , granted it has been losing gas and nobody can find where the leak is , but other wise it was working fine . I 've had it for a week now and love it ! Better gas mileage than my car , with gas prices so high , that is a good thing . I love being up higher , so much easier to see what is ahead of me now . I know Harley loves it too . The kids have named it Hellboy because of it 's color . I wonder how many families actually name their cars ? Already time to go . All that is going through my head is how my afternoon at work went . It 's not x - rated but it had the opportunity to go there . I am just no ready to write down what happened . Emma is rantPosted by So , I have a friend that is running for city council . Another friend that is running for Congress . And a new guy at work that has the hots for me . The friend running for city council has a good chance of winning . That would be great for him because he is so passionate about our town . He has so many ideas that he 's constantly talking about that it 's time for people besides his wife , myself and Scott , and our other friends , to hear . The friend running for Congress . . . I 'm not sure . He thinks he has a chance just because of his name . Very Mexican name . He might have a chance . I actually work with him and he runs his speeches by me at least 3 times a week . He has some good ideas too , just not the money . Maybe not having the money to run will help him win too . Who Knows ! ? ! ? ! And then there is this new guy at work . He knows I am happily married . He is married , not so happily . His wife is 4 months pregnant and he felt the need to share with me that the night she got pregnant is the last time they had sex . Supposedly she beats on him . He has come to work quite a few times with scratches on his face , a black eye now and then . I keep telling him that when she does hit him to call the police . Supposedly she is bipolar and he is afraid that if he files for divorce now she will hurt herself enough to kill the baby . He has plans to leave her when the baby is born and file for custody . I told him to definitely report the abuse so he has record for the courts when he is ready . I don 't know if he has called them or not yet . He is nice enough , he 's only worked there about 3 or 4 months . He is cute in a punk sort of way . But he is 7 years younger than me and the way he talks sometimes makes that feel like a whole other generation . I just don 't understand him . He makes me feel about my husbands age . This guy thinks I am sexy , hot , sweet , nice , and he has made it very clear that if I were to say yes I want to have sex with you he would be naked in a second . It 's actually kind of weird to get this kind of attention from someone other thanPosted by Scott and I woke up at 8am this morning and the first thing he said to me was " what were you doing 4 years ago today " . Well , since you ask I was knocked out cold and having a baby ripped out of me . For some reason my family hates it that I say that . I guess it 's just the image they get when I say ripped out . I am so excited for him to grow and learn and experience life but at the same time I want him to still be a baby . He 's my last baby . No more can come from me . We made it to church so everyone could sing happy birthday to the birthday boy . As the congregation ( we go to a very small church ) started singing he proceeds to hide under my chair . The church is small enough we sit in folding chairs . No pews for us yet , even though we have been a church for about 25 years now . We just don 't seem to grow . Scott wants to go to the other Methodist church here but I 'm a charter member of this church and except for that one old cow I would miss the other members . That one old cow is the one that told people I had killed my granny . After church we stopped by the store and picked up Harley 's Spiderman birthday cake . As soon as I can get pictures up I will . He 's been talking about his birthday for a couple of weeks now . But not just about his birthday but about his Spiderman Birthday . He ADORES Spiderman . For lunch he ate two popcorn shrimp and then asked for cake . Scott was watching the Daytona 500 so I convinced Harley that he needed a nap and we took a 2 hour nap . He told me he wasn 't tired but within 2 minutes he was out . The only thing he insisted on doing was taking his pants off and napping in just his shirt and his undies . He informed me it was more comfortable to sleep kinda naked . Ok , as long as he slept I was happy . When we woke up we dug out his hidden decorations and helped me put up his birthday stuff and ran around the house barely containing his excitement that Nana and Grandpa were coming for his Spiderman Birthday . He ate two bites of pork chop , 3 bites of mac & cheese and then ran and grabbed his presents to Posted by Life has been so crazy for the past few months and it has finally calmed down . My new position at work is great and my hours are finally back to a normal 40 hour week . Over time every now and then but not very often . Ethan 's birthday came and went without much partying . Puberty is really messing with him . Puberty is hard enough for a normal kid but I 'm discovering that one with special needs has an even harder time with that part of life . He had a Transformer themed party with just us and was perfectly happy with that . I still can 't believe he is 12 years old . Harley will be 4 in 2 days . He 's still supposed to be a baby ! He talks so well and asks questions and he is just so normal . I 'm amazed by him every day because I never had that with Ethan . He jumps and climbs and runs and is so active . He has been potty trained for almost a year now , even over night . Some people tried to tell me that he was trained late but I decided long ago that kids use the potty when they are ready , not when us parents think they are ready . He goes to pre - school 5 days a week and adores it and gets mad most weekends when he doesn 't go . He loves to learn and will make letters and numbers with his trains . He 's mad because he can 't go to kindergarten yet and ride the school bus with his brother and sister . Miss Emma will be 11 in 22 days . She 's counting down the days not me . I am splurging on her and we are having a swimming party and I am renting the whole aquatic center here just for her party . No strangers ! But that is the only way I am going to get in a bathing suit for her party . It will be just a bunch of people that we know . It 's been so long since I wrote anything that I have no idea where to start . So thank you to Walker for checking in on me and saying hi ! Right now Emma and I are being lazy and watching Torchwood on BBC . I love SciFi shows like Torchwood , Doctor Who , the Outer Limits . Supernatural and Ghost Whisperer are good too . Sounds like I watch tv all the time but I don 't . I have resorted to recording the shows I like and hPosted by |
I loved shopping in the giant antique mall on the outskirts of town . It in a massive factory building that felt as if it 's wooden floors might fall apart at any moment . Though it certainly must have had some understandable design once , the rooms now seemed like someone took ten buildings and smashed them together without thinging . The conglameration of endless junk and treasures from the pasts of thousands of people only added to the confusion . It took five minutes to just find a certain booth once you 'd lost site of it . There were little stair cases at any given corner , and the occasional closet or restroom stashed in a convenient niche . I could spend ours there and never find myself bored . From every antique item to even the building itself cried out voices telling me their diverse histories . While I found myself there on a Christmas shopping trip , I wasn 't too incredibly shocked when I stepped through a doorway into a stone room . At first I thought I 'd just found a new room , though taken aback by the fact that it was totally bare . I glanced out of a narrow window and saw myself looking down for over 60 feet . I poked my head back through the door way . The room looked just the same , and I could see earth through the little windows close to the ceiling telling me the room was mostly underground . It also had ancient wooden floors , while this new room was completely made of stone . Curiosity wrapped its fingers around me and cried , " Why not ? " So it was through this course of events that I found myself winding down a circular stone stairway in a castle tower . As I stepped through the doorway at the stair 's end I saw a young man in elegant formal attire pacing back and forth in a distressed manner . There were tear stains on his cheeks , but his eyes were now dry . His tawny curls were messy , and I assumed he 'd run his fingers through his hair many times in the last half hour . I awkwardly stood in the door way , not sure whether or not I should reascend the stair in silence as to not bother him , or speak . Before I could decide he looked up and our eyes met . We gazed at each other in silence for a moment . I took in his eyes and studied them , as I did with anyone who gave me a chance . They were blue , and crying out with a longing that searched deeply into me . He was startled , but at the same did not mind my presence , and looked at me as if we were old friends . " You look like her . If your eyes were a different color and your clothing not so odd , I might have said you were Ella . " He said quietly , addressing me with formality , but comfort . It seemed that he was used to business like conversation , but trusted me rather more than that . " Are you a fairy ? " " Well , I 've never heard of a fairy 's trap leading to a palace , but Lucinda 's ' blessings ' often turn into curses . " He frowned a little thought . " I suppose you ran into something of hers . " I scratched my head , trying to remember the name . " Um . . . probably . Who is Lucinda again ? I believe I 've heard the name , but it does immediately ring a bell . " " Well , in a manner of speaking . There is a book in my world compiling the events of her early life , and her romance with you . " I smiled at him warmly , and cocked my head as I said this . " To protect you . " I leaned on the doorway . " You should not hate her , Char . She loves you more than anything else in the world , and her heart is breaking even more than yours . " " Because I 've read it in a book that details everything happening in her life right now . " I stood up strait and walked toward him . " Char , " I put my hands on his shoulders . " I know I can 't just go off telling you to the future . Once the future is observed and told it will change . But believe me , Ella loves you . " " Because she 's been cursed by Lucinda . Char , I can 't tell you more than that . " I stood there thinking for a moment . " Where are we in the story ? When did she write the letter , no wait , have you planned a ball yet ? " " Yes , there were two last night and there is one tonight . " Char 's face brightened a little . " There 's a girl that reminds me of Ella , whose always wearing a mask . But I 've decided to never marry , because I will always love Ella . " " Then go after her . Tell her you don 't intend to marry in case it isn 't Ella , but go after her all the same . " I said , trying my best to give proper advice and not cause the ruccass that Lucinda 's magic would cause . " I . . . I can 't say . I don 't know everything , you know , and I know that messing with things too much and telling people things they shouldn 't know will cause story lines to change and . . . " I trailed off and puzzled for a while . " Ella will not be able to lift her curse unless it is for you . There is no one she loves more , and no stronger power than love will break the curse . Force her to marry you and she will be free . " I looked up and our eyes met . He smiled and suddenly hugged me . " Oh , thank you ! Thank you ! If this advice brings Ella to me then I will be indebted to you forever ! " I gasped and then smiled happily in his crushingly strong embrace . " It is my honor . I shall come back through this magical portal if it is still open one day and find out how things went . I 've always wanted to meet Ella . I feel like she is a sister to me . " Our tour guide insisted on standing us out on the lawn in front of the building for an explanatory lecture before we could tour the castle . Did I care how much money the French monarchs had " wasted " on this château ? Did I care how many mistresses had lived here ? This is Chambord ! I had waited and dreamed for years and years to actually see this place in person . Completely distracted by my surroundings , I hardly heard one word of the lecture . My eyes darted from the wide expanse of gardens , to the vast intricate forest of pinnacles on the roof . I didn 't really want to go inside . I would have been content wandering about just looking at the details on the outside of the building , but we would be forced to walk through the gaudy , roped - off bedrooms , listen to our tour guide 's discordant voice , and wish we could sit down in the ancient looking chairs . I wished I could just spend a day here , or go to a party here when it was in use ! My thoughts wandered through all sorts of scenarios . What would it have been like to actually live here ? I looked from window to window , picking out which one I 'd want my room to be in . My whole life story as a French princess was already complete by the time the tour guide 's ramble came to a close . Why did mom insist that we see another castle ? What on earth ? I was so tired , so , so , so tired , and we 'd been castle touring all day ! Did she think that five - year - old boys like me enjoyed chateaus ? I thought of the hotel room and all of my toy soldiers , just waiting for an intense battle . My red soldiers would take the high ground on the sofa , and the green soldiers would get trapped on the floor . " Pay attention Henry ! " Mom 's voice shook me from my daydream . " Isn 't this view of the lawns just lovely ? And just look at all those neat little towers up there ! I bet you 'd have fun exploring them ! " I wished I could explore them . We probably wouldn 't even get to go in them . The urge to climb on the roof like a monkey swept over me . Average tours are boring . I wanted to go on a tour ninja style ! What if I went to a ninja school and we got to come here for an outing ? We could practice scaling the building and breaking through windows on unsuspecting tourists ! Maybe we could even come on a day when someone rich and famous and really evil was there and assassinate them ! Ninja life must be really cool ! My gaze swept the group of around 30 visitors . Most of them were Americans , but there were a few from different countries . I liked it when I had really interested people , but this crowd had several kids who were liable to get rowdy . Inwardly , I prayed that none of them would be screaming by the end of the trip . Pushing those thoughts to the back of my head , I continued my explanation of the castle 's history . I tried to ignore the bright sun glaring into my eyes and reflecting off the water as I spoke . " Our Monarchs wasted endless amounts of money on this project , each one adding more it . " How many people listening to this cared about the history of my country ? How many of them even knew what happened ? My years of repeating this speech to English speaking tourists always held that question , is this worth it ? Will these people remember ? I struggled to understand our tour guide 's accented English . To spite taking English for some years , I still fought to understand someone speaking it , especially an older French woman . I tried to focus on the grand architecture , and dreamed of building something like it one day . Being an architect was glorious , but I no one at home in Sweden would ever commission me to build something like this . I had designed buildings for several years , and wondered if anyone in this group could appreciate this artwork as much as I did . Having studied the massive double spiraling staircase in particular for some time , I couldn 't wait to see it in person . This double staircase was every architects dream , practically a legend . Maybe , just maybe some really rich person would hire me to build something this gorgeous for them . I chewed my lip in anticipation , again straining my ears to discern the French accented English . Apparently the tour guide was giving a history of the palace , but I already knew most of it from previous years of study in architectural school . I wished she would talk about the people who built it , not the royals that commissioned it or lived there . JW10 - From A Mother 's Perspective This week 's journal post is to re - write a real - life event from someone else 's perspective . I chose a visit to the doctor 's office from my mother 's point of view . She sat on the exam table and waited for the doctor , if in fact it could be called a table . It was more like a sinister gray cot with tissue paper spread over it , something that was designed to keep patients in mental terror . I took the chair next to her and we each pulled out our various projects . I smiled to myself , happy that at least one of my daughters had taken after me in my hobby of sewing and embroidery . She embroidered the corners of and apron she had recently made ; giving the raw edges a nice finish . I worked on my needlepoint project , a picture of a house , which would one day , be a purse for me . We conversed a little back and forth about our various projects . She queried me over the differences and similarities between needlepoint and embroidery , as she had never done needlepoint herself . After a little wait the doctor entered the room and asked a series of questions regarding why we had come . She replied with her story of the injury , while I listened and took mental notes . He examined the hip joint , taking her ankle and testing the range of the joint as she sat on the table . He pushed her ankle to the left and the right , dictating the rage to the nurse . I winced , imagining the pain it must cause , but she seemed unaffected . After several more questions he requested an x - ray and led her from the room . JW 9 - A Backwards Glance This assignment is to look back at this years writing and discuss it . For some reason this semester has found me tired . I used to write stories all the time , I was always finding some new yarn to spin . All though I once called them books , they were certainly children 's books , from a child 's perspective . I was always dreaming about wild adventures , riding horses , and sweeping cloaks . At fourteen I started my first big project , it was sort of a fantasy autobiography based on a dream I had set in Colonial Williamsburg . After some months of work on it , I lost momentum , and gave it a break . As I grew up , spent a good bit of deliberating and attempting to solidify the story in my mind , and matured through my own life , I realized it didn 't have what it would take to make a good book . Then I met several characters . They were extremely complex with a number of difficult issues that I would have to solve . After creating all of their complex back stories and deciding that each one was responsible for breaking the other 's curses , I realized that I couldn 't figure out how to break those curses . My characters each were searching for and asking questions I didn 't have the answers for . I will certainly finish this story one day , but I let the story rest . Since then I have written poems and various descriptions of people , but I have not found a great inspiration for a long project or story . I also know that I shouldn 't start another story , considering all the unfinished ones I already have . I 've been through lots of English classes that force me to write essays , arguing for some random topic that I struggle to care about . So I was really excited to start this class . I would finally just be able to break free . What is it about inspiration ? What is it about energy ? I 'm tired . I don 't know what it is about this year , but I haven 't been touched by the muse . I was during the summer . I did a few water colors . I 've made lots of things . But I haven 't been inspired to write anything for some months . I generally write a poem every now and then , but even that hasn 't happened in a while . So , while I haven 't hated anything I 've written so far , I haven 't really liked any of it either . It 's just forced and seems unnatural to me . Even this , a journal post , feels forced . Bell slowly walked up the steps toward the west wing , surprised to see that the further she went , the dustier it became . Her feet began to leave foot prints on the stair . Who was this beast , that he would live in such decay ? To spite his urgent forbidding of her to cross these thresholds , Bell knew better . At least , that is what she told herself . If he was ever to win the battles he constantly fought with himself , someone would have to save him , someone would have to know the secret faults lying within him . If he had been locked away as a recluse in this palace for many years , if he had been locked away with his battles , he must not be able to face them on his own . Who was he and what had happened to him , to make him so afraid of himself ? These questions she had come to answer . She walked slowly , trying not to disturb her surroundings , or make noise . Her heart quickened as she passed through the ancient rooms . She had brought no candle with her , and the rooms were not lit , save the moon light falling in through the large windows . Curiously , she traversed room , after room . Every piece of these rooms was something from his past , something he didn 't want to face . If he lived in this wing , where did he live ? All the rest of the castle was in fine condition , and yet this wing was full of vast deterioration . Had anyone dusted in the last ten years ? Why did he refuse to touch these rooms ? What part of his past was spent there that he wanted to forget , that he wanted to sink into this decay ? Most of the furniture lay in proper arrangements not touched for many years . No one had covered unused pieces with a white cloth , as was often the practice . A wine glass remained on a table , it 's crystal form claimed by a spider as an excellent form for a web . What did he want to forget , and yet to lay unchanged , untouched , unused ? Why would his servants care meticulously for the parts of the castle he hardly traversed , and yet never clean his own rooms ? Her reflection eyed her at ten angles from a broken mirror . She started , thinking for a moment that she was not alone . She breathed in deeply and let out a sigh , hoping her heart would slow a little . The beast would certainly find her eventually , but she hoped desperately to learn something of him first . How could she help him if she knew nothing of him ? Where in this wing had he hidden his secret ? Then she found it . Two huge doors were shut at the end of a wide hall . Paw prints in the thick dust showed that he often came to this place . He must have hidden himself here . She paused , unsure whether or not to enter , for fear that he would be behind those doors even now . Swallowing her fear , she pushed them open . Future lay every where heaped with cobwebs and dust . To spite the obvious usage of the room , it seemed in a worse disrepair than any of the others she had seen yet . As she walked through the room her eyes traced over everything . Glancing at a painting on the wall , she forgot to look in front of her and knocked over a little table . Catching it quickly , she righted it , and went on toward the painting . It was a formal portrait of a prince . The canvas was torn , so that his face was cut in half . She lifted the old cloth and spread it out so that the face was complete . He had a noble appearance and a stern face . The penetrating gaze of his deep blue eyes was oddly familiar . She felt as if she knew him , and yet knew that she had never seen his face before . A gasp escaped her lips as she put together all that she knew of the beast . This was his secret . This was his face . She whirled around , suddenly anxious to leave . Now that her curiosity had been satisfied she felt the disrespect of trespassing . But as she turned to go , her eyes rested on something far more beautiful than a painting . Set just inside a French window to a balcony was a small , round , stone table . On top of the table was an incandescent rose , certainly thick with enchantment , covered with a glass globe . Bell rushed forward and lifted the glass from the rose , her curiosity overwhelming her once more . She set the glass on the floor and reached out to touch the rose . Before her fingers touched the flower , a the dark form of the beast blocked out the moonlight in window . He snatched the globe from the floor , placing it back over the flower . Bell screamed in terror . " I thought I told you never to come here ! " He shouted . " Do you realize what you could have done ? Get out ! " His voice rung through the palace walls . JW7 - Washing His Feet There are two similar stories in the Bible , which have touched me deeply , especially in recent months . The first is found in Luke 7 , and the second in John 12 . Each of these stories describes women who loved Jesus , coming to him and anointing his feet with oil . The first woman was a prostitute who was sorry for her sins and knew that Jesus had come to forgive them . The second was Mary , a beloved friend of Jesus who knew he was the Messiah . The passion that each of these women demonstrate has always astonished me . Why did they do such a thing ? Why would they pour out precious oil on his feet ? For some years I never understood those stories , but recently I have met people to whom I am extremely grateful . Each one of them has been so incredibly kind to me that it has brought me to tears . These two people live a very long way from me and I rarely get to see them in person . That makes being with them more special than almost anything else in my life . With one of them in particular , I am ever more reminded of those two stories , and of Jesus ' words about Mary . " Let her alone . . . The poor you have with you always , but you don 't always have me . " ( John 12 : 7 MSG ) I gave this person a present and was so eager to spend time with him in a way that I hardly am eager to spend time with anyone . Time with him is so precious because he is kinder to me than anyone I have ever met , and also because I can only see him once out of the year , and for a very short amount of time at that . These two stories have touched me so much because I know what it is that they felt , and because of that I have learned how sweet time with Jesus really is . CW6 - Cathy 's Adventure In The Belly Of The Mountain " The volcano is due to erupt in a week or less , Cathy . How long will it take you to get that room packed ? You 've had too much time ! " " Oh , alright ! I 'll finish it this afternoon ! I 've just got to pack up all my books . " Cathy ran a dusty hand through her red hair , as she surveyed the large stacks of books she 'd taken from her shelf . How could she just uproot all this history ? How could she say goodbye to this beautiful library ? " Oh ! Cathy ! I forgot to tell you ! " Her mother called from the other end of the small house . " Mr . Mortimer needs to be told about the evacuation ! " Cathy 's head shot up indignantly from a book she 'd peeked into . The book slammed shut . " Mr . Mortimer ? ! And what does that have to do with me ? " She turned and faced the open door . Her mother walked down the hall toward her . " Your father and I are going to get your grandmother . We need to make sure that all her things are packed up . We 'll come back at five to get you and our last load . In the mean time , you need to hike over to his house and tell him . " " And why on earth would I want to talk to a recluse ! Much less go to his house ! " Cathy couldn 't believe her mom would make such an absurd demand . " Cathy ! " Her mother put a hand on her shoulder , in attempts to calm her . " We are his closest neighbors . It 's only a two - mile hike to his house . He doesn 't have a phone , or TV or anything that would let him know that there is an evacuation . He hasn 't been seen in town for several months . " " Well then maybe he died ! " Cathy glared at her mother . " Do you think I want to hike two miles up a mountain to talk to some freak who is stuck in a giant house with no electricity ? What if I get lost in there ? What if I can 't even see anything when I walk through the front door ? I mean , you think he 's got the whole thing full of burning candles all the time ? What if it collapses on me ? " " Cathy ! " Her mother stifled laughter in her attempts to be sincere . " Stop these bizarre imaginations ! The times that I 've met him he has been very kind . You 'll be just fine . " " I 'll be just a moment ! " Cathy 's mother shouted . " Well , you 're father 's waiting . I 've got to run ! " Cathy sat on the floor moping as she listened to the sounds of her parents car fade away into the distance . She wondered how to get out of this mess . What if she just pretended to tell him and said that the house was empty ? What if she said he wouldn 't come with her , or wouldn 't believe any of this mess about a volcano ? That had happened to a guy that lived near Mt . St . Helen 's . Why couldn 't it happen again ? Within an hour she had finished packing her books and the few scattered belongings in her room . She wondered if the house would still be there after the volcano , or if this would be her last day there . For a while she deliberately stayed put , reading one of her books , but her conscience wouldn 't stay quiet . " Oh alright ! " She yelled into the air , and smacked the book shut again . " Fine ! I 'll go ! But I really don 't want to ! What if he 's a cereal killer ? I mean , that happens to people who don 't spend time with other people ! " She trudged slowly along the pathway through the forest . Burrs from the low bramble stuck to her shoes and pants . There had been a reason why she didn 't like to hike this path . It had grown over with thorns and all sorts of pesky plants . It wasn 't anything like the mossy paths in the gullies that she liked to hike on . The sun beat down through the trees , and made her agonizingly uncomfortable . As she rambled through the woods her imagination only grew stranger . He could be totally creepy ! What if he was a murderer like that guy in Secret Window ? What if he 'd been banned from coming into town because they thought he killed people ? Fear crowed every corner of her mind . " I 'll just say he refused to come ! " She declared to the silent wood . " See if you can make me do whatever you want me to ! " She screamed into the forest . " See if you can always tell me to do anything you want ! You 'll never know , will you mom ? You 'll never know , and you can 't change it ! I don 't want to save this stupid recluse ! He dug himself into his own hole ! He can climb out if he wants ! He could speak to the world if he wanted to ! " Cathy ran , heedless of the bramble that clawed her clothes . She didn 't care any more . She was fed up with all her mom 's stupid rules . She was fed up with all of it . In her rage she stopped noticing all the things in the woods that she had counted so bothersome before . Her foot caught on a root and she found herself rolling head long down the side of the hill into a ravine . The trees thinned and she hit a bare stretch covered with years worth of dry leaves . Her speed quickened . To spite flailing her arms to catch anything , she kept rolling . She thudded into a hollow at the ravine floor . As she staggered upright , brushing leaves off her clothing , she saw a door in the face of the mountain . Curiously , she went forward and examined it , running her fingers through her bedraggled hair . Carved into the face of the metal door was an illustrious writing . She ran her hands over it , knocking off dirt . It was so rusty and covered with dirt and moss , that she could only make out the word " Joseph . " Suddenly the door gave way as she was leaning against it and she tumbled inside a dark room . A series of alarm noises and the grating of large stones filled her ears . A different door thudded shut behind her . Red flashing lights illuminated the cave . " Security system enabled . Emergency lock down initiated . Protective waterfall turning on . Protective waterfall system will run for three days . Perimeter securing . Perimeter securing . " A voice called out through what seemed like an endless amount of rooms , as the thundering sound of water deafened her left ear . Cathy sat up and surveyed her newfound prison . " Oh my gosh ? Three days ? Really ? I 'm stuck in here for THREE DAYS ? ! " She stood up . " So … my mom sends me to find a recluse and I get locked in some weird mountain jail ! " She wandered through the cave - like room toward an opening at its far end . " Well , I might as well explore , if I 'm stuck ! I mean , if there 's a security system , there 's probably treasure down here ! " Some hours passed as she wandered from cave to cave and her feeling of excitement and wonder died away . It had been a bit of an adventure at first . She had successfully buried her feelings of fear and overwhelmed them with curiosity . But now she was hungry , lonely and exhausted . Maybe she should have gone to find the recluse ? Maybe he wasn 't all that bad ? Surely talking to him wouldn 't be worse than being stuck in a cave with a security system , and electric lighting . What was this even ? Who would spend massive amounts of money on something this bizarre ? In a muddle of confusion she plopped wearily down on the floor , her thoughts running back through the events of the day . Would she ever see her mom again ? Would she be stuck down here when the volcano erupted ? Tears dripped down her cheeks as she thought of how her mother was probably acting right now , having no idea where to find her . What a fool she had been . How unkind she had been ! How selfish she had been ! Cathy curled up on the stone floor and cried until she fell asleep . When she woke up again the red lights had stopped flashing , and a dim blue light filled the caves . She wandered about again , wondering if she could find anything worth eating , or maybe a little stream . She 'd heard of underground lakes before . Maybe she 'd find one . Time muddled . She had no way of knowing when the volcano would erupt . She was completely alone . What if no one ever came for her ? It slowly dawned on her that she had become just like the recluse . Had he been totally isolated for a reason other than just being strange ? She had no right to have left him there with no warning . As Cathy explored the vast caves she began to find more evidence of human activity . The earlier caverns had been empty , save odd light fixtures in various places and speakers spread out . Now , there were a few carved halls , instead of rambling tunnels . Before long she found herself at the foot or a narrow staircase carved in the stone , which she climbed carefully . She blinked as she came out of the tunneling flight of steps . Before her was a gigantic cavern with a magnificent chandelier hanging in the middle of the ceiling . Around her on every side were books . Some of the books were on shelves ; many were piled in endless stacks . Carved high on the far wall was an inscription in the same lettering as the door . " The Library of Sir Joseph William Mortimer " Cathy read slowly . She gasped . It was Mr . Mortimer 's caves she 'd lost herself in ! Perhaps there was a way to his house ! Stumbling over books , she ran around the room . She searched everywhere for another entrance . Surely he didn 't hike all the way down into that gully to get into this place ! Eagerly she explored every crevice , but to no avail . She found no other entry to the room . Dazed , she sat down in a chair by one of the bookshelves . Who was this man and what on earth did he want with all these books ? She glanced at the shelf next to her and began to read the names on each tome . Within a few moments she found herself eating up a copy of The Four Loves by C . S . Lewis . Being stuck in a library couldn 't be all that bad . Cathy had loved to read since she was three years old . Her grandmother had taught her to read from a picture book of Heidi . Since that day Cathy had been obsessed with books . After some time lost in the philosophical ramblings of Lewis , Cathy looked up from the book . For a moment she wondered where she was , having been so intrigued by the book that she had forgotten everything else . She took in the room again and remembered her uncanny circumstance . She was stuck in an old underground library in a volcanic mountain that was about to erupt . Moreover this library belonged to a recluse who 'd moved to the property a few years back to reclaim some family land his father had willed to him . The man had been rarely seen and was rumored to be incredibly strange , having no phone , TV , Internet , or even electricity . Cathy ran over all these odd facts in her head , trying to remember everything she knew about the man . She realized she didn 't even know how old he was . What if he was so old he couldn 't get out much ? Turning over all sorts of thoughts in her head , Cathy began to explore the library again . She ran her fingers over the books and studied the titles . " C . S . Lewis , Tolkien , Sir Walter Scott , Jane Austen , Brian Jacques . . . " She whispered as she read , " I must be in the British authors section … " Within a few book shelves she found that she could no longer read the names . " Oh … so this guy is bi - lingual … " she muttered , as she scanned the endless section of French books . " Oh dear , multi - lingual ! This one is German ! Why , this is Luther 's translation of the Bible ! " She pulled a little brown book from the shelf . " It 's so beautiful ! " She stifled a yawn as she slipped the book back onto the shelf and continued onward . For some time , she wandered through the room until she rounded the corner of a shelf and found a large leather sofa with several books scattered over it . With little hesitation she cleared it off and lay down , falling asleep in a few moments . A cough woke her from her dreams . " Who on earth are you ? And how did you get in here ? " Said a young man 's voice . Cathy jumped from the couch , her heart pounding heavily . " I 'm just a neighbor , I didn 't mean any harm ! " She cried , her eyes whirling about the room to find the voice of the intruder . " I am Joseph William Mortimer the 5th . My family has been building this library for some time . " He sat down in a chair by the couch . " Since you are wondering , I was born with a disfigured face and have been living here in seclusion for the past three years . " He smiled , and cocked his head to the side . " You seem much taken aback . What were you expecting when you wandered into a cave with a security system on a volcanic mountain ? " " Um … . " Cathy blushed all over . She 'd been expecting a grumpy old man yelling her out of the place , not a young man a few years older than herself . " Well there 's a volcano and , and I was supposed to come get you cause you don 't have a TV or Internet or anything ! " She blurted . " Oh … it 's going to erupt sometime ? " The man started back . " I 've been wondering about various signs I 've seen , but my family had promised to come and get me . They had built the upper house without electricity and all because it cost so much to upkeep the library and cave systems , especially the waterfall security system to trap intruders . Trust me , I didn 't design all this . It 's extremely weird ! " Cathy stared for a moment . " Uh … yeah . Well , sorry . Let me start again in a more dignified manner . The volcano is supposed to erupt in a few days so they are evacuating the area and my mom sent me to get you . I fell down a ravine because I was running and accidentally found the door . I was looking at it and it fell in when I leaned on it and then suddenly I was trapped down here . I don 't even know how long I 've been here . At least two days , maybe more . " Her tongue raced almost as fast as her heart . He shook it cordially . " Joe is fine I guess … I haven 't had many friends , my family calls me Joseph . But … you 've been down here three days . The alarm went off in the evening while I was having dinner and I didn 't want to check it immediately . Then I forgot about it . " " I have a car . Let 's go . " Joe led her to a rather tall cabinet , and after fiddling and knocking on it ; it slid back to reveal a winding staircase . " Come on , up to the top . " Joe picked her up at once and kept running . " We 've got to get out of here ! There 's snack food in the car , and I can get water from the kitchen . " He carried through a myriad of ornate rooms and finally placed her in a Land Rover . " I 'll be right back ! " He rush away and quickly returned with several canteens of water . Cathy ate and drank as Joe drove down the mountain . As they drove she directed him to the shelter for evacuees . After some hours they finally arrived and Cathy saw her parents standing near the entrance . They ran and embraced happily , her mother shedding tears of joy . The volcano erupted the next day , but thankfully went down the opposite side of the mountain leaving Joe 's library safe and sound . For the rest of their lives , Cathy and Joe explored the great family library , which they added onto for many years . Cathy convinced Joe to stop wearing his mask , and that having crooked eyebrows was not a disfigurement to be ashamed of . |
This Christmas was easier than last Christmas , although we didn 't put up any decorations in our house this year and I didn 't listen to any Christmas music ( except in the malls when I didn 't have a choice ) . We did receive some cards from friends and babyloss Mom 's , which we put up . I have to make a special mention of a card from my sister Jessie since she addressed it to Dana , Ted and Jacob . We just had trouble finding any joy last year , except for when Jacob was mentioned . This year we still missed him and our other babies and we weren 't really excited for Christmas , but we weren 't dreading it as much . Every minute of it wasn 't extremely painful this year . And a few really nice things happened that made Christmas a lot better . We still thought of and remembered them all the time . When my 2 nephews were playing on the floor , I thought of the other babies that should be down there too . When my sister was opening the gifts for Danny , I imagined the sort of gifts we would have been receiving if any one of our lost babies was alive . . . clothes and toys and cute things for them . We went to Laurie 's on Christmas Eve for dinner . We brought all our gifts and stocking stuffers over since we would be back there the next morning to open gifts . Soon after eating , everyone left for church . We didn 't want to go as they were all going to the family service and we didn 't need to see all the babies and toddlers there . The assistant minister is also pregnant and my Mom says that she talks about her pregnancy a lot when giving a sermon . We went home and I made a pie and knit for awhile . When everyone got back to Laurie 's , we went back too . Lindsay sat on the floor with Ben putting things in the stockings ( Ben doesn 't realize that that is Santa 's job yet ) . There was a stocking for each person there , but there should have been another stocking getting filled up . Laurie mentioned fixing some of them up , then looked at me and said that she would make a new one for next year too . Hopefully we will have a baby in our arms ( so much for not thinking that way anymore ) to use it . away why I wanted this picture . After that was done , someone put on the movie Up . Within seconds I started remembering the first time we watched that movie . I was almost 3 months pregnant with Jacob . Lindsay had come over for a movie night . I had been really nauseous , but that night was the first time in months that I had been able to sit on the couch instead of having to lie down on it all evening . It was a huge step and I started feeling better from that day on . About 10 - 15 minutes into the movie , the main character is married and they are getting a nursery ready . But then things go wrong . They don 't specify whether they lost a baby or whether they can 't get pregnant , but there is a scene with the husband and wife in the doctor 's office crying and then a scene of the wife sitting in the backyard , staring off into the distance . I don 't know why they would have been painted and furnishing a nursery if she hadn 't been pregnant , but she didn 't look it . I just assume that she lost a baby . I hadn 't really remembered that scene and Ted and I just looked at each other and decided that we would leave soon . I just didn 't want to watch the whole movie . I was talking to my Mom today and she told me that when that scene came on , she was worried about us and that my brother - in - law Brian later told her that he couldn 't even look at us during and immediately after watching that scene . I love that they both felt that way . We came home and Jessie and Dave came over a bit later , as they were sleeping over . Ted and Dave sat up playing video games while Jessie and I talked in the kitchen . Eventually we moved to the living room too , where I fell asleep . I cried twice that night . Once , when the pie was baking and I listened to Sarah McLachlan 's Song for Winter 's Night and looked at Jacob 's pictures . The second was after we got back from Laurie 's for the night . Ted was in the shower . I sat at the kitchen table in the dark and just cried . With the bears for Jacob , of course . Laurie had made a gift for everyone , but the store she ordered it from didn 't have them ready in time . She made us each a book of photos with us and her kids . It was a lot of work and she was so disappointed and they weren 't ready in time . Before Ted and I left for the garden around 1pm , she showed Ted and I what our book looked like online . The pictures were great and we love it . But then we got to the last 2 pages . There was a picture of Jacob 's name from last winter , written on the hat of a snowman . On the next page was a note . It basically said that we all wish that Jacob was included in these pictures and that he was here with us this Christmas . That he will always be missing and we will always miss him . Of course I started crying right away and gave her a huge hug and told her how much that meant to me . She said that of course she had to include him somehow . We went home and got the rose that I bought the day before . We parked in front of the garden and I noticed that there were already 2 bouquet 's of flowers there . One of them wasn 't very close to where Jacob is buried , but one of them was and I said to Ted that I wondered it could be for him . That maybe my family put it there the night before when the went to church , or maybe my friend Jackie brought them . But it is about a 45 minute round trip to the garden from Jackie 's house . Tears came to my eyes and I was just so grateful . We love it . Then we put our rose in the garden , talked to Jacob and hugged each other for a long time , wondering how it 's possible that this is where we visit our son on Christmas Day . After another hour or so , Lindsay , Brian , Ted and I went to our house to get dinner ready . Ted did most of the work . Lindsay 's friend Sana came over , as she has for the last few Christmases . Dad came over before dinner , but Mom didn 't feel well enough to eat so she stayed home . It was a nice time . I was very aware of the high chair that was missing , it wasn 't totally overwhelming . It was a good Christmas , but people were missing . They will always be missing . We can still enjoy ourselves sometimes , but they will always be missing and we will always be aware of that . Just a few more pictures from this Christmas . Jennifer , Angel 's Mom , took two pictures of Jacob 's name in Jamaica , one on Christmas Eve and one on Christmas Day . Thank you Jennifer . I love them . Last night , shortly after we got home from work , Ted told me that he has been doing a lot of thinking about having another baby . My heart started pounding a little because I didn 't know what he was going to say . He said that he really wants another one , but in a way ( just a small way ) he doesn 't . . . . because the baby won 't be Jacob and he wants Jacob . I want him too . When I was pregnant after losing him , I was happy for that baby , but I ached for Jacob even more . There were 6 of us there so it was a nice , intimate group . Vivian greeted us with the best hug . She always gives wonderful , amazing hugs . Vivian did so much work organizing this . She just kept pulling out something else that was a very nice touch . She printed some nice messages on cards and placed them around the tables . There was babyloss music playing throughout the night . Songs that most babyloss Mom 's are familiar with and we listen to often . Vivian brought many tealight candles . At first we took the number that we needed to represent our own babies , but then we started saying names of other babies that we know and writing their names on labels and giving each of them a candle as well . It was surreal how many babies we knew between us that have died . I was scared of not thinking of all of their names , so I also did a candle labelled " In memory of " . Vivian got up and read some poems , then she read what she wrote about Ryan and we were all in tears by the time she was finished . Such a miracle he was , how strongly he is missed . Then she lit a candle for Ryan and her first , Squishy , and the babies of some of her friends . Then it was my turn . I lit a candle for Jacob and said that I was lighting a candle in memory of Jacob , who was stillborn on June 1 , 2010 . I got through saying that okay , but by the time I picked up the candle for August , I was crying too much to continue . I just had to sit there with one lit candle in one hand and an unlit one in the other while I cried for my boy , who I miss so much . I finally collected myself and lit candles for August , Cub , Madeline and Emma Grace , saying how long I carried them and when I lost them . Then I lit the candles for the babies I know . There were so many . I said their names , their Mom 's name and the date they were born and / or died . There were a lot of candles in front of me by the time I was done , which was sad . Then Jennifer , Jackie , Monica and Nigel said their babies ' names and stories as they lit their candles , and the candles for the babies they know . We just sat there for a while , looking at the candles . Crying , thinking , missing . It was amazing the see the light that so many candles created and heartbreaking to think that each represented a baby who was loved and missed so badly . I counted the candles at one point and there were 36 . The 6 of us knew at least 36 babies that have died . Some of the candles had many names on them . I guess there were 50 babies listed on the candles . We all brought a picture of our babies or something that reminded us of them . I brought Jacob 's amazing profile picture from my last good ultrasound with him . The picture ended up being passed around and they commented on what a great profile picture it was . I loved being able to talk about him , about the day I got that picture and how incredibly proud I was / am of him . We looked at pictures of all the babies and learned the stories behind the pictures . Vivian brought out some gifts she made , colour coded for a boy , girl or unknown by the ribbon colour . So I took blue for Jacob , white for August , green for Cub and pink for my girls . Inside is a butterfly of the same colour . Just beautiful . Jennifer and I had planned to exchange Christmas gifts ahead of time . I got her a key chain that says " Mom " on the front with 3 butterflies and Angel 's name inscribed on the back . I 'm also going to knit a sweater for the bear she got for Angel . She gave me some beautiful items . The card she wrote was so nice and touching . She gave me a candle , as I like to light candles for my babies . She also gave me a beautiful glass candle holder with Jacob 's name and a butterfly on it . That would have been enough , but there was a second card in the bag . She made a donation to the Hospital for Sick Children in memory of all of my babies . It was so special . Just a wonderful thing to do in the first place , but also because Jacob would have been a patient there because of his leg and I used to volunteer there . The front of the card is also very similar to the front of Jacob 's baby book . Today Ted and I were in a mall and he said that he woke up this morning and lay in bed thinking about the babies . He was wondering if August and Cub were girls or boys . He thinks that August was a girl and Cub was a boy and asked what I thought . I feel the same way about them and I loved that he was thinking about it . He also said that he was imagining what it will be like when he dies , that he 'll be reunited with all of his babies and imagined 3 girls and 2 boys walking towards him as he enters Heaven . He also called the twins by their names . He wasn 't sure about naming them in the beginning , but I wanted to so I got 100 % decision making power over their names and used names I 've loved since I was a kid . Today he just said their names casually and it was music to my ears . On Friday night , I went out for dinner with Mel and Jen . I used to work with Jen , until she left and Mel took her job , although she had already been working at the same company for a few years so I knew her already . Jen left a year ago and this was the first time that we managed to get together . Both of these women have been wonderful throughout everything . I was working closely with Jen when Jacob was born and she was a constant support until she left . When a baby was brought in , she would make sure I was ok . She was always doing little things that meant so much . And Mel . Well I can talk to Mel about everything and she is wonderful . Her parents died a few years ago so we can talk about grief and totally understand each other . Anyway , dinner was great and we caught up and talked about work and then Jen asked how I was . . . how I really was . She knows about all of the miscarriages as well , but asked more about the twins since we weren 't working together when they came along . She listened and said that she could see the sadness in my eyes . That I look a lot better than I used to , but she can still see it . She said some words of encouragement and caring and understanding and I 'm amazed that she 's so good at this . I 'm very thankful for both of them . I love that boy . It has been awhile since Jacob has been mentioned around him or Ben had brought up Jacob 's name . Then tonight , totally out of the blue , he said it . I 'm so grateful that Laurie talks about Jacob to Ben . That he knows where Jacob is buried and recognizes the garden as Jacob 's . That he knows that Jacob is in Heaven and that no one is afraid to talk about him for any reason . Laurie said that she really likes to think of Jacob in that song . With the Virgin Mary and Christ . Safe and secure . I really like that thought too . It 's hard to believe . It 's hard to understand how I have survived this long . I definitely couldn 't see this far into the future when Jacob was born and in the early days after . The future was just a huge void and it was a huge accomplishment if I ate without someone telling me to . I couldn 't even fathom that I would ever feel as good as I do now . That 's not to say that I feel great , but I feel a lot better than I ever thought I would . It kind of bothers me that I do . Sometimes I really miss the days of the heavy grief . I know it sounds crazy because the early grief is horrible , but I miss the big cries . I miss lying on the floor in the nursery and sobbing . I miss lying in bed and sobbing . I miss standing in the shower and sobbing . I miss driving and sobbing . I think I miss it so much because it made me feel closer to him . I still cry for him , he is still my first thought when I wake up and my last when I got to sleep and he is always on my mind . His ultrasound picture is still up at my desk and I still sleep with his blanket at night . We have pictures of his name around our house , I always wear the necklace I got for him touch it many times a day . His ultrasound picture is in a frame on our dresser with some statues we got because they make us think of him . I just read the post that I wrote on December 1 last year , Jacob 's 6 month anniversary . I remember the days I wrote about there well and I think about them from time to time . I was still in so much pain and turmoil . Today hasn 't been that painful , surprisingly . I 'm kind of ashamed and upset that it hasn 't been harder . I was so busy at work today that it made the day go fast . But that wouldn 't have stopped me from breaking down in the past . I haven 't even cried today . I felt like it once when I needed a break and read another Mom 's blog who said that I have helped her . I had a little talk with Jacob then . That there will never be a good enough reason that he died , but that I have made something good come out of his death . So much good came out of his life that I don 't even know where to start writing about that , but through his death other people have been helped . Still , I 'd take him back in a split second if I could . But reading her blog today really helped my spirits today . Thank you Jennifer . As we were driving home today , I told Ted that it 's strange that I haven 't felt terrible all day . He said that he has . Yesterday he was listening to music at work and the song Tears in Heaven came on . It 's the song that Ted used when he made a video of pictures of Jacob 's life with us . He felt really sad when he heard it , but listened to it twice more and felt terrible . He told me that he just can 't believe he is gone . Right after he died , Ted felt terrible , but he thought that when we have another baby , it would help to fill the hole that Jacob has left . He has realized for a long time now that that just won 't happen . No one will ever take Jacob 's place . Jacob will always be missing . That we have a lifelong sentence of missing our baby every day , with everything we do . About 2 weeks ago Ted and I were watching TV one night and suddenly it hit me that we were almost at 18 months and I felt like I had just been punched in the stomach . I started to cry , thinking of how close to 2 years we are . I 'm dreading his next birthday already . Two years without him is scary and unimaginable , just as 12 months and 18 months was . I love you baby boy . You made me the happiest I had ever been . That happiness belonged only to you and will always belong to only you . Posted by Ted and I heard this song while driving today . And we felt so sad . We feel so sad . We miss them so much . I 'm looking at pictures of Jacob and the belly I had with him as I listen to this . Sometimes I don 't know how I have survived losing him and then losing his siblings . The lamp is burnin ' low upon my table top The first was the Toronto West meeting at Jackie 's shop on November 11th . I had been talking to Jennifer over Facebook for a week or so and got to meet her in person for the first time , which was really nice . I also got to meet Lisa for the first time . I always feel an instant connection with other babyloss Mom 's . I realized yesterday that I 've known Jackie for a year now . We first chatted on Facebook around this time last year when I was at my Mom 's house after she broke her ankle and before I miscarried Cub . Jackie has made such a difference in my life and I feel so privileged to know her . We made some Christmas ornaments that night . The only thing I like about Christmas this year is making ornaments for my babies . Christmas isn 't as painful as it was last year , but it still hurts and I 'd be happy to just go away over the holidays and come back when they are done . Anyway , here are some pictures of the ornaments made at that meeting : Jackie helped with some of these . She is so artistic and creative . I didn 't trust myself to use the wood - burning tool to inscribe Cub 's name on the tree without messing it up , so Jackie did it . She also pretty much did the ornament for August , I just chose the shell and the ribbon . On November 19th , we went to Akemi 's shop to make more ornaments . I met Jennifer on the GO train and we went together . We spent 4 hours there , making ornaments the whole time and talking . I met Valerie for the first time and got to learn about her little girl Sophie . I 've known Akemi since the summer , but never got much of a chance to have a good talk with her so it was nice doing that . These were harder to make than I thought . Akemi had so many materials to work with , it was hard to decide on what to use . I 'm pretty happy with how these turned out . I have some ribbon to attach when I actually put them on a tree , I just haven 't attached it yet . I also went to a memorial service for lost babies on Tuesday night . Jackie told me about it . It was a very nice ceremony and the woman who organized it was very welcoming ( she lost a baby girl 25 years ago ) . It was at a Catholic church and was a mass . I haven 't been to a Catholic Mass since I was 10 , when I went to a Catholic school because I was in French Immersion and they only had it at Catholic schools . So on Tuesday I was worried that I would do something wrong , that I wouldn 't follow the correct protocol . I think I did OK , although looking back I can see a few times when I didn 't do something right . I hope it wasn 't claringly obvious to anyone . For all of the people who were there for the first time , there was a candle at the front for each baby that you would go and light . Because Ted didn 't want to come ( he doesn 't like these ceremonies as he just feels so sad at them ) , I went up by myself . I had to ask Jackie which one the Paschal candle is , as that is what we were supposed to light our taper candle from to light the babies candles . I was glad that there was one family before me so I could see exactly what they did and copy it . The priest read each of my babies names and I lit each candle after he did . There was a communion and I didn 't know what to do about that . When I was in elementary school , we went to church every Friday and the non - Catholic kids didn 't go up for communion . At one point , the priest invited everyone to the altar and I thought that was when the communion was going to take place so I didn 't go up ( 3 other people didn 't go up either ) . It turns out they just went up and he said a few works and people shook each others hands . Then they all sat down and the priest came down and said that he was going to start communion and if you didn 't want communion , cross your hands over your chest and he would give you a blessing . Well , I felt like a bit of a jerk for going up for a blessing when I didn 't go up to the altar before , but I figure I need all the help I can get so I went up anyway . Carrie and I are organizing a gift exchange again this year . It is open to Mom 's , Dad 's and siblings of lost babies . The upcoming holiday season is supposed to be ' the most wonderful time of the year . ' But we all know , it 's these ' special ' times that can really hurt the most . For many of us , the holidays are an incredibly bittersweet time , and a painful reminder of the little one ( s ) who should be there to celebrate them with us . We hope this gift exchange will help brighten up the holidays for those of us missing our babies . Participants in the exchange will be matched with another Mom , Dad or sibling and can buy or hand - make their partner something in honor of their baby - an ornament , a special candle , anything ! Participating is not only a great way to honor and include your child ( ren ) this holiday season , but a chance to connect with someone you may not have ' met ' before . Here are the details of the exchange : 1 . ) Click here to sign - up , or fill out the form at the bottom of this post . 2 . ) Sign - up is open until November 25 , 2011 . 3 . ) You don 't have to celebrate Christmas or any other holiday to participate . 4 . ) To help with gift ideas , we ask you to tell us what reminds you of your baby ( ies ) . 5 . ) We are asking that you don 't spend more than $ 20 . 00 so that no one feels obligated to spend a lot of money . 6 . ) We will email you your partners ' information by November 28 2011 . 7 . ) Please have your gift mailed by December 10 , 2011 . 8 . ) If for some reason your cannot fulfill your obligation , please let me or Carrie know right away , so we can make sure your partner receives a gift . 9 . ) Your address will only be shared with the Gift Exchange Coordinators and the person you will be matched with . Ted went to Ottawa overnight last week . When we spoke on the phone , he said that he had thought about Jacob a lot on the flight there , but wanted to write down his thoughts rather than tell me . Here is what he wrote today . I was in tears reading it . As I flew from Toronto to Ottawa for a conference , I could not seem to relax as the plane increased it 's altitude to break through the clouds . As the plane raised above the clouds , my first thought was " Jacob are you here ? Are you keeping me company or playing among the other children of heaven ? Are you calling me ? As my eyes searched the clouds for his image , his reflection or some indication that he was or is here , my heart and emotions braced for yet another disappointment . Then it hit me ………………… Ahhhhhhh … . That comforting feeling that I am once again close to him physically . The same feeling as the day he came into our lives and then was taken away . I then relaxed , eased back into my seat and whispered his name several times . This made me feel better and closer to him , as if he was waiting for me to call him forth . With my eyes peering across the bright clouded horizon , I spoke comforting words to him , telling him how much I love him and miss him . This was a very special moment for me . I felt him acknowledging my words and sending his love back . In my heart I 'm sure he 's telling us how much he loves us and wishes he could have stayed ( my little boy is saying " tell mommy I 'm sorry and not to cry " ) . As the plane started it 's descent to Ottawa , I knew we didn 't have much time until the distance will separate us once again . Descending through the clouds , I searched for his image , a clouded silhouette of him , but nothing formed as I returned to the reality of living without my Jacob . I had a very nice dinner with a new friend tonight . Three hours went by so quickly . I feel like I have known her for a long time , but I don 't think that it has even been a month . I was so glad to meet with her tonight , since today is a significant day and I knew I would just come home and listen to baby loss music , which isn 't always a good idea . I did hear " If I Die Young " on the radio on the way to dinner tonight , which was nice . I 'm always scanning the stations just hoping for that song . Today is doubly sad . Jacob 's anniversary and thinking of what was happening this time last year . I was pregnant with Cub . I thought Cub was probably OK . I was worried , but hopeful . We only had one good week left together before the bad news was delivered . Ted had to have dinner tonight with a group of coworkers , which normally isn 't bad . But one of them is about 7 - 8 months pregnant and he said there was a lot of belly rubbing and baby talk going on and it was really hard . I feel so badly for him . He has to work with this woman all day tomorrow too . I hate to think of what he is going through . He told me that on the way to the conference he is at , he thought a lot about Jacob on the plane , but he wants to write about it on his own blog before he tells me about it , as he just needs to write it down and work through it . This October 15th , I went to a memorial ceremony for lost babies at Trillium Hospital . My good friend Jackie got the hospital to do the service , after a few years of trying . And it was so nice and touching and sad . I was the first one there and met Kevin , the social worker that Jackie has been working with and 2 other women who work at the hospital and were helping with the ceremony . Then the other Mom 's , Dad 's and sibling started to arrive . I felt like it was a reunion with friends I haven 't seen in a long time , although it was less than a month since I had seen most of them . It just feels so good to be with people like me . We all hugged each other and even the hugs seem different than a hug does from a " normal " person . There is shared pain and strength in those hugs . The ceremony was beautiful and Jackie wrote such an amazing speech about her spirit boy , Oscar . That is when I started to cry . Here it is : The silence was thick , and the terror was crushing , but , the love in that room , that day was intense . Fate forced us to live his entire lifetime with him in just 7 hours … . . his hand , holding mine , taking in every hypnotic smell from him . Tranced in horror and love , I said goodbye to his body , and to my partial spirit , and left these hospital doors clutching on to a box of Kleenex , instead of my boy . I am now 3 and a half years into my grief journey , and only now , at this distance , can I begin to understand the trauma I was hit with that day . The loss of someone very unreplaceable , unrepeatable and uncomparable . Someone I love and miss with all my might … . a son , and a brother … I mourn him , and the families he would have started on his own … . I mourn that he is parentless , that he never tasted his breast milk that came in for 21 months after … . that I never got brush silly curls out of his eyes , watch him play soccer with his dad and brothers , or read him " Goodnight Moon " before bed . I don 't know if he is left handed like his brother , or right handed like his sister …… all of these " don 't knows " engulfed me , and spit me out into ashoreless sea …… Babyloss is painfully isolating … . . we are still proud parents , regardless , and there is nowhere to go , nowhere to share the beautiful memories of our pregnancies , or to relive the labour , or to describe the soul - stirring of having them placed in our arms for the first and last time . Friends and family disappear in all awkwardness … . afraid to talk about it , to remind us … . . but , truth is , they are never , not for a single instance forgotten …… always swirling around in our minds , patiently waiting to hear mention of their name … . yes , we will cry … love and pain is the chemistry of tears . Allow us that , allow us the time to express the gapping hole running rightthrough us … . we cannot rush through the grief , cannot go around the pain … . . the work is hard , physical , and exhausting . We must go through the pain , into the eye of it , to find , again , our own private connection with that little womb - dancer … and to work on the beliefs thatwe will find out why this has happened to us , and to make some sense of why they were given and taken …… and , above all , that they will fit perfectly back into our arms again . She is such a beautiful writer , person , friend and Mother . Kevin , Jackie 's nurse , a chaplain and one of the women I saw when I first got there all went up and spoke and / or read a poem . Then it was our turn to go up and say our babies ' names . I went up 3rd or 4th and said that I was there to remember my son Jacob who was stillborn on June 1 , 2010 due to amniotic band syndrome . I said how much we wanted him and how we remember him always , love him and miss him everyday . I also said that I was there for the babies I lost through miscarriage - August , Cub , Madeline and Emma Grace . After I sat down , I thought of more things I wanted to say . That Jacob was our dream come true . That we had never felt so much happiness in our lives as we did when he was with us , that as much as we hurt that he is gone , I feel so lucky that I get to be his Mom , that I got him . That August , Cub , Madeline and Emma Grace brought some happiness back to our lives and we often think of what life would be like if they had been able to stay . As we left the podium , we were handed a rose for each baby that we lost . We all had little plastic candles with LED lights and held them throughout . When I was up saying my babies ' names , I noticed a nurse at the back of the room who hadn 't been there before . When I looked back a few minutes later she was gone . Was she there for the babies she has seen born that didn 't make it , or did she lose one ? There was some tea , coffee and cookies for us after and I stayed for about an hour talking to babyloss Mom 's and Dad 's . I saw an 11 year old girl sitting in a chair crying , then she brought out a photo album and looked through it , still crying . I knew they were pictures of her little brother , born sleeping 3 years ago . I asked to look at them and he is so beautiful . There are moments when it just hits me and it all seems so wrong . Here was this beautiful , perfect baby . . . just not breathing . Afterwards Jackie and I were going to the room where Oscar was born . I have been wanting to see it for awhile . Unfortunately weDana I went to a baby loss support group last night and met 2 new women ( I started exchanging emails with one of them a few days before the meeting so I felt like I already knew her ) . Their stories are tragic ( tragic doesn 't even seem like a powerful enough word to describe them ) , and very similar to one another . I felt sort of like the veteran of the group since Jacob was born 16 . 5 months ago and their babies were born in July and September of this year . I watched them and listened to them and was brought back to the place I was in 2 and 3 months after he died . Their tears were just below the surface , just like mine used to be … and still are sometimes . I could see the pain and haunted look in their eyes , even when we were smiling and laughing about something . I hope that they could look at me and see that it does get better than it is now . That they will still be hurting forever , but that it isn 't all consuming , that they will stop feeling devastated every minute of everyday . I know that when I was in the early days and met someone who was a few weeks to a few months or years ahead of me in the journey , it gave me some hope that I would feel happiness again one day and , more importantly , that I wouldn 't feel like I was being torn apart all of the time for the rest of my life . There is always an underlying sadness which comes out sometimes , but there are happy times too . I always thought that the only way that I would ever be happy again was if I had a baby in arms . Well , I don 't , but I still find things to be happy about and sometimes I even feel little moments of peace . I love getting together with people who get it . You don 't have to be on guard , you can say your babies ' names , you can tell people about all of your thoughts and feelings and they get it . No one thinks you are crazy or refusing to move forward . I almost always feel immediately comfortable when I am with another parent who has lost a baby . Just thinking about them and their babies now makes my heart ache . Those early days are so horrible . Posted by On October 14 , 2010 , we found out that I was pregnant with Cub and some happiness entered our lives again . Even though Cub only stayed with us for a short time , he / she will always be remembered too . I took the day off work today . I didn 't know how I would be feeling and I just wanted to be home . Last night as it got closer to bedtime , the heaviness started to settle in . I fought back the tears because I didn 't want to bring Ted down and he always knows when I 've been crying . I kept reliving what happened last October 13th . I had been dreading the 14th for so long and it was almost here . Last year I spent hours writing my blog post for October 14th ( Your story ) . I cried most of my way through writing it . Then I went to bed around 11 and sobbed until midnight . Then I realized I was starving , got some Rice Krispies and ate them in bed . Woke up in the morning , took a pregnancy test and it was positive and our lives changed again . Last night I was telling Ted what was happening last year and he asked if he was there when I was crying . I reminded him that I was lying in bed sobbing while he hugged me , then joked that I 've done that so often that each episode of that has probably run together for him . He said it sort of has . After driving him to work today , I spent some time online and got ready to start Jacob 's baby book . I 've had it since last May , but hadn 't written anything in it until day , mostly because I worried about screwing it up . I even had trouble deciding what colour of ink to use , so I ended up using both ( kind of by accident ) . I didn 't come anywhere close to finishing it , but I 'm glad I have started it . Without paying much attention to the time , I decided to have a chocolate cupcake for breakfast ( hey , why not ? ) . I decided to put a candle in it and sing Happy Birthday to Jacob . I know it sounds a little crazy to do that , but I also know that the babyloss Mom 's will understand . Then I lit a candle after ( a separate one from the one in the cupcake ) . As I was lighting it I looked at the time and it was 9am , the same time that Jacob was born . I started working on his baby book . I reread my post of Jacob 's story from last October 14th , which brought a lot of things back . I stared and stared at the pictures of my belly . I wish I could better remember how it felt . I left for the garden after about 2 hours ( yes , I only got 5 pages into the baby book ) . I am lactose intolerant , but when I was pregnant with Jacob , I wasn 't . I clearly remember having a Hot Fudge Sundae form McDonalds one day when I was 4 months pregnant ( I know , so healthy . . . but I only had one ) . I didn 't feel sick at all after , which was a miracle . I also had a Crispy Chicken Sandwich once when I was pregnant with him . So I went to McDonalds and got both items and went to the garden . I sat there eating them and talking to him . Then I read him 3 books : Peter Rabbit , a book about butterflies that my family gave Jacob / us at Christmas , and Love You Forever , another book my family gave to Jacob / us at Christmas . I felt a little self - conscious doing it , but it also felt good . I read the inscriptions to him and everything , because I love them even more than I love the books . I went to my Mom 's for a few hours and then Laurie came by with the kids . I took Ben for the rest of the day . We went to the garden again and I bought Ben an ice cream , which we ate there . Ben knows that Jacob is in the garden . I explained to him again that Jacob is his cousin and that I miss him alot . He knows that Jacob is in Heaven . A few weeks ago he asked me why he is there . I just said that God wanted Jacob to be with him . A few hours later , we were driving and talking about the day and Ben said that he doesn 't need Jacob anymore . He didn 't say it in a way that made me think that he had ever seen / played with Jacob , but I felt bad when he said it and told him that and had to explain why ( Ben is asking " why " about everything ) . We also went in the church to look for something and I saw the minister that was there when I was in labour and the next day . We chatted for a minute then I said Jacob was due on October 14th , that we lost twins in August , etc . He hadn 't heard about the twins so he gave his condolences and asked how Ted was . I love it when people to remember to ask about Ted . Ben and I had a great time at the park and then throwing stonesDana I live with my husband near Toronto , Ontario . Our son Jacob was stillborn on June 1 , 2010 . We miss him everyday . We were fortunate to get pregnant again quickly , but I have miscarried 3 times since losing Jacob . August was miscarried on August 20 , 2010 at 5 weeks . Cub was miscarried on November 27 , 2010 at 10 weeks . We lost twins girls , Madeline and Emma Grace , at 11 weeks on August 30 , 2011 . We miss all of the babies that we have lost and what could have been . We welcomed our rainbow baby , Emily on on August 15 , 2012 . She has brought us so much joy and happiness . |
When I entered the Golden Horn restaurant that evening it was already packed with people . I am not sure what time it was , but it had to be no later than eight in the evening . People were in the early stages of partying : they were having their first , maybe second drink . They were still behaving properly but were already warming up to the occasion and a buzz of excited chatter filled the room . The atmosphere was inviting . It jazzed me up at once , and I anticipated a good time . I walked around to check out the crowd . I frequently stopped by the Golden Horn and if I liked it , I stayed longer . It all depended on if I met some friends or spotted a beautiful tourist girl that I was interested in picking up , or both . This evening it was both . At once I spotted many beautiful tourist girls , the strongest incentive to stay , and began to look for a place to sit , but there were no tables available . So I decided to sit with the musicians , who were my friends and always welcomed me at their table in case of such an emergency . While I walked across the dance floor toward their table , I heard the familiar voice of my friend Peter call my name , " Krzysztof ! " I stopped and searched for him in the crowd but couldn 't see him . " Over here ! " he shouted again and now I spotted him waving at me . He was sitting at a table that was set up in case of over - crowdedness , as there was this evening . The table was placed on the outskirt of the dance floor , almost on it , in a curved niche in the wall next to the podium . I don 't recall who else was sitting there , but there were at least four or five people . I think my other friend Richard was there too . As I joined them the waitress was bringing a bottle of vodka . Peter asked for an extra glass for me , which she brought and poured the first round . We began to drink and were having a good time , but it didn 't last for long . There was an unpleasant incident that spoiled the fun . The manager of the restaurant approached a party of young people , who were sitting at the table across from us on the other side of the dance floor , and asked them to leave . At first I couldn 't tell why he wanted them to go because I was sitting too far away to hear what they were saying . I only saw the commotion : the manager hurriedly approached the table , gesticulated impatiently in broad gestures , then went away and came back again and argued with the young people who refused to leave . Then the argument became heated and the manager raised his voice , and I heard him say , " Move , move . Get lost ! We need to set up this table right now ! " He turned to the waitress , who was following him around and said , " Ms . Kristina , please , clear the table and set it for the new guests , " and left the room in a flurry . She nodded her head obediently and began clearing the glasses . The young people grabbed and shielded their drinks protesting , " Hey , hey , don 't take that , that 's my drink . " But the waitress ignored them and went about her business . The manager did not bother to reason with the youngsters . He got pissed off and rudely expelled them . I don 't recall exactly how he did it . Basically , he intimidated them . They got frightened and got lost . The whole incident was unpleasant to watch . It disturbed me and put me in a bad mood . The new guests soon arrived and took over the table . I looked them over . They had an air of importance around them and a brazenly arrogant attitude that only people of power have . The manager and his staff were ingratiatingly dancing around them . They were so forthcoming , so accommodating and compliant that it turned my stomach . I was disgusted to see how the manager and his staff had changed their attitude ; a moment ago they were so rude and hostile to the young people and now , in contrast , so polite and friendly to the new guests . I didn 't know who the new guests were , but my colleagues recognized them as prominent officials of our region . There was the First Secretary of the communist party from Klodzko , and the District Attorney from Bystrzyca , and a few other important officials whom my colleagues recognized by name and position and talked about with resentment in semi - hushed voices . They were outraged that the manager had kicked out the young people and given their table to the communist pigs , but they didn 't dare to do anything about it or protest openly . The general attitude at the table was , ' Ach what can we do , let it go , better to forget about it and pour another round of vodka , ' which we did . We toasted , " Na zdrowie , " but now with a sad undertone , and we drank . But I couldn 't forget about it and , despite myself and the vodka , kept obsessively thinking about the incident . The presence of the communists was getting on my nerves . I was gazing on them furtively with contempt and was growing gloomy . At the same time I was getting drunker and drunker until I was so smashed out of my mind that I don 't remember anything that happened during the next few hours . When I regained my senses , I was lying on a bed crushed under a pile of five or six guys who were holding me down . One of them was sitting on my chest and kept his hands on my throat . The others were holding my limbs . My arms were spread to the sides ; two guys were twisting and kneeling on them , and when I tried to move my legs , I found they were immobilized by the weight of two more guys who were sitting on them . " What 's going on ? " I wondered , still in a half - drunken stupor . I had no clue what had happened , why those guys were holding me down , or where I was . The room looked like a typical hotel room in the local tourist houses , but I didn 't know which tourist house it was . One thing was clear - I was in trouble . The first idea that came to me about how to resolve my predicament was to throw those guys off me and run . I thought I could do it . At that time , I was an exceptionally strong seventeen - year - old boy . I trusted my strength more then anything else . I imagined myself being a superman easily and decided to pull off the stunt . I knew that I 'd have to do it quickly and unexpectedly to surprise them and gain the upper hand . So to mislead them , I first pretended to be powerless and dead as a possum . When I felt them relax and loosen their grip , I suddenly mobilized my entire strength , threw those guys off me , and almost managed to get to my feet , but I failed to entirely free myself . They were all over me again , crushing me to the bed . This time they kept me firm and were so wired up that they nearly strangled me , occasionally punching and hitting me . They roughed me up pretty well , and I don 't know how it would have ended if I were not saved by a girl who entered the room at that moment and restrained them . I heard her screaming , " Stop it ! Stop beating him , you brutes ! " At the same time , she threw herself between us to protect me . They stopped beating me but still kept me firm . " You will not call the police on him , " Eva protested . And then she explained , " He came here because he was looking for me . We have a date . " That did not satisfy the guys and they decided that calling the police was the best idea . The problem was that the only phone was in the office in the main building and it was very late . So instead they decided to get Andrzej , a ski instructor who lived in the same building , and see if he could identify me . Andrzej soon came into the room , already in his pajama top , and they asked him if he knew me . He gave me a look of reproof and said , " Yeah , I know him . He 's a native boy . " Then he turned his gaze away from me , and said after a short pause , " He 's alright . " From that point on , Eva took care of me . She took me to her room that she shared with two other girls on the second floor . They were already in bed asleep or pretending to be asleep when we came in . She probably explained why I left later , but I don 't remember that now . The point is that she was telling the truth all along , and my breaking into the building made sense . I was coming for a date , came late , the front door was locked , so I broke the window , slipped my hand inside , unlocked the door and went inside . Then , as she already guessed , I mistook the floors and went to the third instead of the second one , went or broke into someone 's room , and was caught by those guys who , as Eva explained , were from the same tourist group as she . They were having some kind of youth convention of socialist students . " Oh , it must be about that broken glass , " I concluded . " What 's the big deal ? I 'll fix it or pay the janitor of the building to do it . " With that nonchalant attitude , I got ready to go to the main office . Before I left , Eva asked me to come back afterward . She lured me with the knowledge that her roommates were gone for the entire day on an excursion and we would have the room to ourselves . I promised her to return and then went to the main office . To get to the main building , I walked through the main street , which was like a promenade for tourists . It was already fairly crowded . People were parading in the sun , taking advantage of the good weather . It was really a lovely day but it was only painful to me because I had a heavy hangover . I felt like a blind moth and could barely keep my eyes open in the bright sunlight . As we entered , Peter excitedly blurted out that I didn 't remember anything . In the office were three people : the main manager , who was Peter 's mother ; the main accountant , who happened to be the mother of Richard , the other friend of mine who was partying with me at the Golden Horn the previous night ; and Andrzej , the ski instructor who intervened on my behalf the night before . All three of them looked at me with grave concern . Peter 's mother shook her head and asked me , " What have you done ? " I didn 't know what to answer but Peter jumped in , " He pissed on the communist 's table , that 's what he 's done . He gave them a golden shower . He pissed all over their table , peed on their plates , into their drinks , and splashed all over those pigs . Oh they were shocked , jumping away from the table to avoid getting wet , " he laughed half insanely and was about to go on when his mother cried , " Stop it , Peter , stop it . Cut it out . " " Not really , " I said . But in that moment something came to me , so I told them , " Wait , I recall a moment when I was leaving the restaurant . Anna , the bartender , was holding me by the hand and leading me through the crowd of agitated people toward the exit . ' Get out , get out , quickly , ' she was saying , ' run away , run away . ' Some other people were helping her to lead me out of the restaurant . Then , then , I don 't remember what happened next . " " It 's hard to say . People were dancing , it was crowded , the lights were turned down . I would say only one hundred people saw it , " Peter could not help joking . " Krzysztof , " Ms . Barbara turned to me , " it would be better if you disappeared for a while , at least until the end of this tourist turnout . The police are looking for you in town . It would be better that you weren 't in people 's eyes . Do you understand ? " she asked me . " Yeah , I do , " I said . But I didn 't really have a grasp of the scope of events . I did not fully realize what had happened and its possible consequences . It all seemed a little bit surreal , partly in a drunken fog . I don 't recall staying with Eva long . I went back only to say goodbye . Then I went into hiding for a while as my friends advised me . The police never found out who took a piss on the table of the prominent communists in the Golden Horn . However , I don 't know how hard they looked for me . Whatever , the fact is that no one ever ratted on me , even though , as I found out later , all the people in town knew about it . I became a sort of folk hero who dared to stand up to the communists . But does it really count ? Can someone become a hero as a result of a deed done unconsciously in a drunken stupor ? Well , I did . Still , whenever I recall what I did , I just feel embarrassed . It all went awry since the beginning of the day . I was walking from the dormitory to the school , as usual , a few minutes before eight am . The dormitory and the school were located in the same building , so all I had to do was go around the corner and walk one hundred yards to the main entrance of the school . On the way I met my friends , Gats , Wrobel , and Bogdan . They were standing under the school brick wall and were smiling sort of mischievously while looking at me approaching . I sensed that they were up to something , something bad most likely . " Hi ! " I greeted them . " Hi , hi Crystal , " they greeted me back and laughed . " What are you guys up to that you have so much fun this early in the morning , hmm ? " I asked them trying to get to their spirit . " Nothing , nothing , " they said , but laughed even harder while exchanging knowing gazes . " What , what is going on with you guys ? " I asked but they did not answer . Only when I waived my hand dismissively at them and turned away , saying at the same time , " O . K . I give up on you guys , I am going , " did Wrobel shout after me , " Hey Crystal , the teachers are checking emblems and hair at the entrance , they will not let you in . " " What ? " I asked turning back toward them . " Yes , Crystal , yes , " they all confirmed now being more serious . " I have my emblem , " I said and pulled the school emblem out of my pocket and attached it to the sleeve of my uniform with pins . " Good luck , " Gats said ironically , doubting that I would pass the entrance with the emblem pinned on instead of stitched onto the uniform as was obligatory . " What about you guys , don 't you go to school today ? " I asked . " You bet , " Bogdan said somehow firmly . " We are going on a wag . " " Oh , " I responded somehow being or pretending to be impressed . " Do you want to go with us ? " Gats asked . " No , " I said , " I haven 't planned that for today , " I excused myself with somewhat of a lie since I had never played hooky before . " But you guys have fun , " I said . " All righAt the school entrance , one of the teachers there stopped me and checked my appearance . He looked at my hair and said , " Your hair is too long . " " My hair is short , " I argued , " It doesn 't even reach my collar . " " Hair is supposed to be cut four fingers above the collar , " the teacher said . Then he checked my emblem , noticed that it was attached on with the pins , pulled it off and said , " Your emblem is falling off . " " It was pinned on , " I said . " It supposed to be stitched onto the uniform , " the teacher said . " What difference does it make whether it is pined or stitched , it appears the same , " I argued . But the teacher didn 't want to argue with me . He said , " Go get yourself a haircut and stitch the emblem onto your uniform properly . " " But , " I tried to protest . " End of discussion ! " the teacher cut me off abruptly . So I went away wondering , " Why are the school authorities suddenly so strict about the students ' appearances ? " At that time I didn 't know , now I know . It was 1968 , and student rioting was already taking place all around the country . The school authorities were imposing strict discipline for precaution , and any young man with long hair was an enemy of the state . For them I , or rather my appearance , was an enemy of the state . As I said , I didn 't know that at that time . However , the fact I was not allowed on the school grounds because of my appearance and the rude manners of the teacher pissed me off . I felt a mixture of anger and embarrassment . I felt offended . I felt I had been let down . Still , I had an option to get into the school through the back door of the basement , but I didn 't . I didn 't feel like sneaking into the building on the sly . My other option was to do as the teacher said : to get myself a haircut and to stitch the emblem onto the sleeve of my uniform . I didn 't even consider that option . It was below the level of my self - esteem . The third option was to go for a wag with my friends and that was what I did . I played hooky that day the firSo I went back to my friends and said , " They didn 't let me in . " " Go through the basement , " Gats said . " I know , " I responded somehow frustrated , " I will not go through the basement , fuck them . " It became clear and was assumed without more words that I would go with them for a wag . " Let 's go guys , " Bogdan said . And we went . First we went to the liquor store to pick up some booze . The liquor store was on Kraszewski St . , fifteen - twenty minutes walking distance from the school . But the store opened at nine am . So we had an hour to kill . We walked slowly , shuffling our feet . Gats was amusing himself by spitting on peoples ' coats from behind . Bogdan joined him . They were sort of competing about who could produce more saliva and hits the target better . Wrobel tried to join them , but he gave it up quickly , not being able to produce either enough saliva or to get it well to the target . Obviously he had no heart for it . But Gats and Bogdan were getting into it obsessively , spitting on people with sick pleasure . It was performed as a boyish prank but done with scornful attitude . I did not participate in that game . I was disgusted . We must have really walked slowly because when we got to the liquor store it was already open . We stopped near by and pooled our money together for the booze . We collected one hundred and six sloty , enough for two bottles of vodka . But Bogdan said , " It is not enough . We need three bottles . " Bogdan and I gave our shares . Wrobel had no money at all so we exempted him . Gats had money but he had to pay for the dormitory . So he said , " I can 't spent more , guys , I don 't have any extra except to pay for the dormitory . " " Come on , Gats , " said Bogdan , " you will pay later . " " I can 't , " Gats said , " I 've already spent my dormitory rent money twice this month . " We believed him . Gats used to spend his rent money for booze each month but his mother always gave him money again , in secret from his father . Yet Bogdan was insisting , " We need three bottles . " " We can 't , " I said , " Two is alright with me . " " It sucks , " Bogdan said , " I thought we were clear on that . " " Shit , " Gats said , " I 'll give you the money , what the heck . " He pulled out a pile of money from his pocket and gave a few bills for his share to Bogdan . " Good , it is set , " Bogdan said . " Who is going to get the booze ? Wroble asked . " I will go , " Gats said , " I look the oldest . " " No , you don 't , " Wrobel said . " I will go , " Bogdan said decisively . " Why you ? " Gats was protesting . " Because I am the oldest one and I have an id , " Bogdan responded . We didn 't know that at that time . Bogdan was a new comer to our school . He was a disciplinary case transferred from Ziebice for bad behavior . So , we accepted his offer to go and buy the liquor . The rest of us were minors : Gats and Vrobel were seventeen and I was sixteen years old . While Bogdan went to the liquor store , we waited around the corner so as not to cause any suspicion . He came back shortly carrying three bottles of vodka in his hands . While he was approaching us , he stopped half way and said , " You know what guys , you are minors . You should not drink this hideous stuff , so I am throwing it away . " And in that moment , he threw all three bottles high into the air . We all screamed in despair , " Ooh , no ! " But , amazingly , he caught all three bottles one by one into his hands and started juggling with them . We were astonished . He was juggling those bottles with utter skill and confidence as if he were a professional circus juggler . We were impressed , yet he was juggling with our bottles of vodka , so we were also afraid that he would drop the bottles and spill the precious liquor on the ground . So when he stopped juggling , gracefully catching all three bottles , we were relieved , but not for long . Bogdan once again threw the bottles into the air and continued to juggle them . He kept doing that a few times , till , in the moment of his third juggling interval , we jumped on him and took the bottles away , advising him jokingly to juggle with sticks or stones instead . We were not angry with him by any means . He impressed us with his juggling show and we admired him . We went to drink vodka outside the town on the bank of the Nysa river . We walked along the river on a narrow dirt path a few miles and stopped where there were vast low marshy meadows . It was a deserted area , a good spot for truants . We felt safe there that no one , in particular the police , would bother us . We hung over there the whole day , till evening . Nothing extraordinary was happening . We were just killing time drinking vodka , playing cards , first poker then bridge , and then , when we got drunk , doing macho sporty stunts . Only after we drunk the last round of vodka , we headed back toward the town . It was already dark . We were getting very hungry . The few sandwiches we had brought with us we had eaten hours ago . We walked quickly almost hurriedly . We were in very good spirits - vodka was well boozing in our heads and our bodies were still excited by the fun games we had played on the bank of the Nysa river . However , the closer we were getting to the town , the less spirited we became . It was probably because we were getting sober and dry , and because our wag was coming to the end , and because we were approaching the town , the place of our dreary school and dorm - the place of restriction . By the time we reached the outskirts of the town , we were gloomy . And the gloominess grew on us the farther to the town we went . It was unbearable , as if we were going back to prison . And when we were in this gloomy mood , Gats spotted an old woman pushing a cart with vegetables through the small city square . She seemed to be coming back from the market . At one moment , the old woman stopped and bent over her cart arranging something in it . Gats spotted her and said , " Look guys what an enormous ass she has . " Then suddenly he ran toward her as fast as he could and kicked her in the ass with his full force . The poor woman fell into the cart with her face into the vegetables . She was not able to get herself out - her legs were kicking hopelessly and grotesquely into the air . At first she did not scream , probably being flabbergasted or because her face was in the vegetables , but then , a few moments later , she screamed with utter outrage , " Hooligans , hooligans , bandits , oo , Mother Mary , help , help ! " and so on . " We cleared out , running away and laughing . We all thought it was hysterically funny . Taken by surprise , as the poor woman was , we were not able to stop laughing . Later on , when we were having Russian pierogi for dinner in the Milk Bar , we asked Gats why he had done that . He said , " I don 't know . I did not intend to . I just saw her ass and could not resist kicking it . I could not help myself . " We all were saying that it was not cool to kick an old woman in the ass , but at the same time we were not able to stop laughing . This incident jazzed us up . Our good spirits were back . We didn 't feel like going home . We were ready for action . " Let 's go to Ratuszowa , " Gats said . We looked at him and nodded our heads skeptically " Yeah , sure . " Ratuszowa was a nightclub in the market square in the center of town , rather expensive . We had no money left . " What the heck , " Gats said joyously , " I have money , guys . Let 's go and drink it away . Let 's drink up every single penny of my money for the dormitory rent . " And he laughed , and we laughed . " How are you going to pay for the dormitory rent ? " Wrobel voiced his concern . " I don 't know , " said Gats and laughed again . " He doesn 't know , " said Bogdan and laughed as well . " Do you know , Wrobel , how Gats is going to pay for the dormitory rent ? " I asked and laughed . " I don 't know , " said Wrobel and shrugged his shoulder , " I am just voicing my concern that … . " " Shut up , Wrobel , " Bogdan cut him off abruptly . " Shut up , Wrobel , " I said . " Shut your trap ! Wrobel , " Gats shouted , " and let 's go ! " " Let 's go ! " we said . And so we went . We came to Ratuszowa sometime after eight pm . The restaurant was three fourths filled with people ; the bar was packed . The decadent warmth of adult debauchery and lust was oozing in the rooms . We got excited but behaved cool , in our conviction as adults , not letting our immaturity to show . After all , with the exception of Bogdan , we were minors - we didn 't want to cause suspicion , we didn 't want to be found out . But no one cared to check our ids . We got in without any problems , took a table in the dancing room , and ordered drinks . Everything looked as if we were going to have a good time . Our table was set with drinks , our imaginations tempted by the sluttish women hanging around , the prospect to get laid this evening on our minds . But that was as far as it went . Gats went to the bar for a drink with one of the musician whom he knew and spotted Gnidacewicz , a teacher from our school . Gats quickly backed up and returned to our table . He said , " Gnidacewicz is in the bar , we have to flee . " Wrobel jerked in the chair , getting ready to run . " " Cool down Wrobel , " said Bogdan and grabbed Wrobel 's forearm , bringing him to standstill , " Don 't rush , there 's not reason to panic . " Then he turned to Gats and asked him , " Has Gnidacewicz seen you ? " " I don 't know , " said Gats , " but I don 't think so . " " Alright , " said Bogdan , " let 's split one by one . " " Crystal will go first , " Bogdan said , " Gats and Wrobel next , and I will go last . " We snuck out of the club , seemingly unnoticed . There was no other place to go . We just wandered a little bit around the empty streets and then slowly headed toward the dormitory . On the way , while passing through the old town , we stopped in front of a curiosity shop window on Mularska Street . We looked through the window which was poorly lid but bright enough to see the displayed merchandise . Our attention was attracted to a hunter 's knife . Wrobel first noticed the knife and said , " I would like to have that hunter 's knife . " " Where do you see it ? " Gats asked intrigued . " Over there , in the right lower corner , " Wrobel answered slightly indicating the knife with his chin . Gats recognized the location of the knife and exclaimed , " Wow ! " Bogdan and I too were looking at the knife . It was a very fancy knife with a decorative horned handgrip and an impressively curved serrated blade , displayed next to a dark brown leather sheath . " One hundred twenty seven zlotys ! " Wrobel exclaimed while reading the price tag attached to the knife and whistled with amazement . " You can 't have it , Wrobel , " Gats said and added bluntly , " You can 't afford it . " " We can break a window and take the knife , " Bogdan calmly said . " " Sure , we can , " Gats reverberated sardonically , " no one is around here but us . " " Would you break the window ? " Wrobel asked Gats teasingly . " Would you ? " Gats responded defensively . " I would , " Bogdan said . " Why don 't you then ? " Wrobel said . " It 's you who wants the knife , " Bogdan responded . While they kept teasing and instigating each other relentlessly , I was getting pissed off at them . I felt a rage was growing in me . I don 't know exactly why , maybe because they were tempted to steal and were sheepish at the same time . It angered and embarrassed me . " Do you really want the knife , Wrobel ? " I asked him willfully . " Sure , I do , " answered Wrobel . " Good , " I said and broke the window by punching at the glass with my bare fist . I didn 't punch at the front but the side glass window , choosing " Here is you knife , " I said to Wrobel and handed it toward him . " I don 't want this knife , " Wrobel said raising his hands up in a gesture both of refusing and giving up . " What happened to your hand ? " Bogdan asked . Only then and there did I notice that my hand was bleeding heavily . " I don 't know , " I said being surprised myself with the bloody picture . " Put that damn knife on the ground , " Bogdan said with a downward waiving hand motion . I put the knife on the ground . My friends gathered around me and looked at my hand . I had badly injured the knuckle of my index finger of my right hand . The skin was cut wide open , the meat shredded , the knuckle bone exposed bare naked , and blood gushed profusely from the wound . " Shit ! Crystal , " Gats exclaimed through his teeth and said , " it is really fucked . " " Do you have a handkerchief ? " I asked somehow calmly not yet realizing the seriousness of my injury since I did not feel any pain . Gats offered a white handkerchief and I wrapped it around my finger but the handkerchief became red with blood in an instant . " It will not do , " Bogdan said . " Go to the emergency room , Crystal , " Gats said . " Jesus ! " Wrobel whizzed impatiently and said nothing . " I can 't go to the emergency room now , " I said refusing , knowing that if I were to go I would be submitted to a police investigation besides of medical treatment . " You have to stop the blood right now , " Gats said with concern . " This wound looks terrible . It looks to me as if you need surgery and a few stitches , " he added . " No , no , " I protested , " its not so bad . Don 't worry about me . It is just a minor injury . Disinfecting with hydrogen peroxide and wrapping it up in bandages will do . " " I don 't think so , " Gats voiced his doubt . But I insisted on not going to the emergency room and said , " I will wait till tomorrow , if the wound worsens , I will go to the doctor . " It seemed the best solution under the circumstance . " That 's a good idea , " Bogdan said . The others acIt wasn 't until then that Bogdan picked up the knife from the ground , wiped the blood off it with the sleeve of my shirt that hung loose from my wrapped hand , looked at the knife demonstratively and said , " good piece of work . " Then he slipped the knife into his pocket casually as if it belonged to him and said , " Let 's go guys and no word about this to anyone . " We went into the dorm on the sly through the window on the second floor . It was our secret entrance that no one suspected because the window was fifteen feet above the ground . We were entering through there on ten feet long board bridged between the fence wall and the windowsill . We climbed the wall , set up the board , and crossed it one by one . Now it seems to be a very dangerous operation , risking falling off the maybe wobbly board suspended fifteen feet above the cement ground . But back then , to pass over that board was a piece of cake for us . In the dorm , I took care of my wound . Gats was assisting me . He brought bandages and hydrogen peroxide . In the bathroom , I washed and disinfected the wounded knuckle ; Gats bandaged my hand . We managed to stop the bleeding . " It doesn 't look so bad anymore , " I said to Gats reassuringly . " No , it doesn 't , " Gats said and smiled at me with a smirk as if to say that we had made it . " O . K . lets go to bed , " he said and quickly grabbed the bottle with hydrogen peroxide and extra bandages , then stuck them into my pocket saying , " Take them for later on . " Then we split and went to bed . When I lay in bed , my hand begun to hurt , first mildly and then unbearably . I was not able to sleep the entire night out of pain . Yet I withstood both the pain and sleeplessness , and in the morning I got up from bed and got ready for school . That day I went to school as usual . There was no checkpoint at the main entrance . Anyway , if there were I would get in through the basement . Students from my class were asking what happened to my hand . I told them that I had injured myself in a workshop . During lounge break , we all four were called to the principal 's office . We went there expecting the worst . I even considered not going and to drop out of school for good . But I gave up that idea since it would not be fair to my friends . I had stolen the knife and decided to take all the blame on myself . While waiting at the door of the principal 's office , I said to my friends , " Don 't worry , guys , I will take the whole blame on me . " Then the door opened and we were called in . In the room was the principal and Gnidacewicz , the teacher we spotted in Ratuszowa the night before . " What have you been doing in Ratuszowa late at night ? " the principal asked us . " We stopped over there just for a moment to get sodas since every thing else was already closed , " Gats lied on the spot . " You were drinking hard liquor and smoking cigarettes , " said Gnidacewicz matter of fact . " Don 't lie fellows , it only makes your situation worse , " the principal said . We admitted drinking and smoking in Ratuszowa . As punishment , we were put on probation for one quarter . I could not help myself and went to the place of my crime during the same day in the late afternoon . I stood on the front of the curiosity shop window in the same place as the night before . The broken glass was replaced with a piece of plywood . I looked at the spot in the window where the knife had been displayed the previous night . The spot was empty but the knife 's dark brown sheath was still there . " Why didn 't I take the sheath ? " slipped through my mind mischievously only to become ashamed for my thoughts a moment later . I suddenly felt like a thief and it felt awful . " I am not a thief , " I was arguing with myself , " I never stole anything before . " " I stole the knife last night , " an involuntary voice was saying contradictorily in my head , " I am a thief . " I started to regret my act . " What the hell did I do it for ? " I was beating myself with thoughts , " Just to impress my friends ? Or to prove something ? To prove what ? That I am tough or mad as hell ? " And yet when I was committing the crime at night , it seemed like the right thing to do under the circumstance . I was compelled to do it on the spur of the moment and I did it . I did not calculate why and for what I was doing it . Apparently an evil impulse took me over and I did it . Yet , a day later I was tormenting myself with guilt . I wished to undo my crime , but to no avail . What is done is done . I could only lessen the consequences by giving the knife back to the shopkeeper and paying for the broken window . So conscience stricken I went to Bogdan and asked him to give me the knife back . Bogdan was surprised but in his usual calm voice he said , " I thought that you gave me this knife . " " No Bogdan , I said , " I gave the knife to Wrobel but he didn 't want it so you took it . " " Does he wants the knife now or do you want it for yourself ? " Bogdan asked . " No , no , no Bogdan , " I protested , " No such thing , what do you take me for ? " " I want to give the knife back to the shop - keeper , " I explained and was flabbergasted with my own words realizing the absurdity of my intendment . Bogdan looked at me firmly and said nothing , waiting for further explanation . " And I am going to pay for the broken window , " I said flounderingly . I felt I was blushing , as if I revealed a shameful secret to him . Bogdan turned his eyes away from me , made a few slow but firm steps , and standing with his back to me said , " I don 't have this knife any more . I have gotten rid of it . " I didn 't ask Bogdan how he got rid of the knife , and he did not bother to explain it on his own . He just was standing there with his back to me in silence , and I was waiting wondering whether he was telling the truth or lying . Whatever , one thing was clear to me that he was not going to give me the knife back , and consequently , I was not going to give this knife back to the shopkeeper . Finally I said breaking the silence , " that 's alright Bogdan , forget about it , " and I went away . When I was leaving , Bogdan called after me , " Crystal , don 't do anything stupid , alright ? " " Alright , " I said and left the room . I never went to the doctor to take care of my injured knuckle . I took care of the wound myself . It healed up alright . Only a small zigzag like scar remains on my knuckle until this day . The first time I saw the sea I was already fourteen years old . It was when I was at summer camp in Gdynia , a renowned resort on the Baltic Sea . Our camp was located a mile or two away from the seashore , so to get to the beach we had to walk for about forty minutes , walking slowly because there were kids of various ages between seven and fourteen and the youngest ones lagged behind . We walked on a dirt road , first through a pine forest that grew on the sandy soil and was beaten up by the north winds . The trees were tall but the growth on their branches was so thin that I could see the light on the other side of the forest . Then we walked through the meadows that were partly covered in sand and partly in growth - poor but beautiful . There were some tufts of uncut grass and clumps of blueberry bushes . Then the terrain became more hilly and gradually transformed into the dunes . While approaching one of the dunes , a slice of the sea suddenly appeared on the horizon . I kept walking a short ways on the rather flat top of the dune until the whole vastness of the sea came into my view . Then I stopped there arrested by its beauty . In a first impression there is everything and more , and that was how I felt there looking at the sea . It was enormous and open and seemed limitless . It stirred my imagination to reach beyond the horizon - it was like an invitation for an adventure , no doubt to unknown lands waiting for me to discover . While I was standing there spellbound by the view and day - dreaming of faraway lands , the other kids were screaming with excitement and ran forth as fast as they could to get to the sea first . They were passing by me in close proximity disturbing my meditation , but soon I yielded to their wild spirit and also ran like crazy down the road toward the beach . When we reached the sea , we jumped up and down on the beach and screamed , " Hurrahs and wows ! " Then our initial excitement cooled down and we settled on the beach , some of us on blankets , others on the sand . We were waiting for the sun to come out . We looked up , throwing gazes at the cloudy sky with both expectation and skepticism in turns , for it was hard to say how the weather was going to turn . As is typical by the Baltic Sea , it was hard to figure out whether it was too cold or warm enough to take your clothes off , even more so , to go swimming . So we were hanging there , playing and wishing for better weather . Some kids got partly undressed . A few teenage girls even went down to their bikinis . I am sure just to seduce me , for there was no other reason ; I swore I saw goose bumps on their skin . Nevertheless , the naked girls were the exception , for the most the kids stayed fully dressed . The boys started a teasing game daring each other to go for a swim in the cold water of the sea . I heard instigating voices , " Let 's go swimming , " someone said . " Let 's go , " someone else followed , but no one moved . " Are you afraid of the cold water ? " someone else teased . " No , I 'm not ! Are you ? " was the response . " No , I am not ! " " Really ? " " Yes , really . " " So let 's go ! " " You go ! " " I will go ! " " We will see . " " You go first , " and so on . In response the kids teased me as they did the others , " Oh yeah , we will see what kind of hero you are . " But unlike the others , I pulled it through . I took off my clothes and went to the sea . Well , the kids found it funny too and they laughed at me again , though it was not funny to me , but rather derisive - I felt humiliated but also provoked . I was not going to bend , my stubborn if not wayward nature showed up , and I decided to swim despite being forbidden . I said to Edward , " It 's not much of an explanation , is it ? " I looked around . She was almost right , but in the distance I spotted a few bathers . I pointed them out to her and said , " There people are bathing , do you see them ? " The sun never came out that day , and we did not bathe or swim . In fact , the weather became horrible , there appeared chilly gusts of wind and heavy clouds gathered in the sky , threatening to rain . The guardians grew concerned and cut short our stay at the beach . Hurriedly we went back to the camp . Everyday between four and six p . m . we took a nap . It was obligatory for all kids - which was fine , I bet , for the younger kids , some of them as young as seven , for they naturally need to sleep during the day , but for the older kids , the oldest like me were fourteen , it was a drag . It was unnatural . We didn 't need to sleep during the day . Absurdly enough , regardless of the age , we had to stay in our beds and keep quiet for two hours . During those late afternoon naps , Lisa used to come occasionally to my bedroom that I shared with twelve other boys , and sit on the edge of my bed . She placed her hand over my body , leaned forward above me , and then she talked with me in whispers . I don 't remember much of those conversations , they were small talks . She asked me about where I was from , my parents , friends , and whatever came to her mind . It did not matter . What mattered was that her shapely firm breasts were right in front of my face and the ends of her long red hair were occasionally touching and skimming my skin , invoking all sorts of sexual sensations that she seemed or pretended not to be aware off . I had to pretend too , lying there unnaturally stiffened , thinking of nothing else but to roll her over and have sex with her ( but how ? ) . The question was what she was thinking doing that to a fourteen year old boy ? Flirting ? Seducing ? I had no way of knowing for sure , for her manner of behavior was ambiguous . But my roommates seemed to know for certain . When she left the room , they immediately awoke from their pretended sleep and had a lot to say , such as , " O man , wow , she is after you , etc . " Edward , our guardian , was a student at the Sport Academy and liked sporting . One day while we were playing on the meadows nearby our camp , he wrestled with the boys for fun . He let the boys come at him in groups of five or more , and then he was throwing them around on the ground . Although there were many of them , it was easy for him to beat them , for they were just kids , while he was a powerful well - trained athlete . I don 't remember how it happened , but seeing him indulging in his victories over the kids , the two strongest boys challenged him to a wrestling match , or maybe it was the opposite way around and Edward , seeing the boys passively sitting and watching , challenged them to a match . One of those boys was me , the other , Kaczorowski , a boy from a foster home . We wrestled and took Edward down , and then immobilized him in wrestling grips on the ground . The kids reacted with euphoria , cheering and clapping their hands . Our victory was obvious ; Edward was powerless in our grips . Assuming the fright was over , Kaczorowski and I loosened our grips and let Edward go . But the moment he regained his freedom of movement , he began to push and kick us . Kaczorowski jumped out of his reach , but I was still entangled with Edward and suddenly found myself under his legs being kicked furiously . For some incomprehensive reason he still tried to prove that he had won the match - it turned ugly , he lost his temper and became viciously aggressive . Finally , I managed to disentangle myself from his legs and pulled away , but Edward still could not help himself and kicked the ground a few more times in desperation , evidently loosing self - control . It took us all by surprise , so we backed off . The cheers , shouts and clapping suddenly died out and in contrast , an ominous silence took over . The boys looked at each other with embarrassment and then turned away and dispersed . Lisa was there too and had seen the whole thing . I noticed that she was deeply disturbed by it . She said something to Edward , but I was already too far away from A day or two later , Lisa came to my bedroom during our afternoon nap . She approached my bed and said in a lowered voice so as not to wake the other boys , " Krzysztof , get up and get dressed , quickly . " " Aha , " I said in recognition . " Come on , " she hurried me up , " there is a big mess in the kitchen . They had to change the supper menu because the delivery guy didn 't come . He got lost or something . And one cook quit . They 're in a panic . No one to go shopping , so I offered . " So I got dressed and went shopping with her to the public market in Gdynia that was about two miles away . We walked on the dirt road through an uninhabited area . Some of it was the same road we used to take to the beach . Lisa was playful and seductive . She held my hand and we grew attracted to each other . On the way back , we stopped to rest . We went there and sat down . She sat very close to me and put her hand around me the same way she used to in the bedroom . This time we were alone , with no boys around us , and there was no ambiguity any more . We embraced and kissed and I touched her body , here and there , the intimate parts . She was allowing me to touch her , in fact provoking , then withdrawing with laughter saying , " We cannot do that , " and " They 're waiting for us , we have to go back . " But we did not go . We got hot and passionate and pulled our clothes off . Then I heard her saying , " No , no , no . " But it was too late to stop - I had already pulled her toward my body and suddenly penetrated her . She heaved a sigh and moaned , then arched her body back and forth repeatedly in spasmodic movements , finally clinging to me in a wet embrace . When we were done , she was crying . " No , no , ' she denied , " Nothing is wrong . " Then when I wanted to go at it a second time , she looked at her watch and said , " O my god , it is already about six . We have to rush . The first tour is about to have supper and the cooks still don 't have their herbs . " Saying this she quickly put her panties on , stood up , shook the sand off her clothes and then we hurriedly headed back . In those few days left , I saw her often with Mr . Edward , somehow closer then ever . When it so happened that she encountered me in public , she casually exchanged a few words with me as if nothing had ever happened between us . I knew that we had crossed the line and our love - sex affair had no chance to flourish . It was just a summer adventure . " That you are so young , " she said . ( I said nothing to that but I didn 't think her too old , she was only nineteen . ) Then she leaned closer to my ear and said , " But I don 't regret what happened . " I did not answer her , though I had no doubt that I did not regret it either . " Do you hear me ? " she asked me . One of the boys from that group had an unnaturally large head . The rumor was that it was due to a some kind of syndrome such as water on the brain , but no one really knew for sure , for the medical diagnoses about these kind of syndromes were not so precise at that time , that time being the mid - sixties . However , the boy was noticeably slow and heavy minded , one might have thought that he was retarded . His nickname was Globus , obviously due to the hugeness of his head . However , in shape his head was rather more like a huge egg than a globe . It was abnormally elongated backward and looked surreal , like the egg - shaped people from a Salvador Dali painting . Once in history class I was sitting directly behind Globus when the teacher called on him to hear his lesson . Globus stood up reluctantly , and the teacher started to ask him questions but Globus was , as usual , not ready to answer . He just stood there silent as a mute and cast his eyes down as if he were either humiliated or resentful or both . So I took pity on him and prompted him , whispering the answers behind his back . He heard me perfectly well and repeated aloud after me word for word . The teacher was impressed with his knowledge and gave him a very good grade . After the class was over , however , Globus attacked me furiously on the school playground . It came from nowhere . Suddenly I saw him at a distance of twenty five to thirty yards emerging from a crowd of pupils and running aggressively toward me . He looked mad as hell . He was clenching his fists and shaking them threateningly ; and he was screaming and roaring as a beast . This only enraged him more , so he turned around and charged at me again , punching and kicking furiously . I managed to block or avoid almost all of his blows because I was faster than he . Yet he was going at me relentlessly , and I had no chance to stand up to him because he was bigger and seemed to be stronger than me . At least I thought he was stronger because he was one or two years older than me , even though we were in the same grade . Fortunately , Globus did not pass to the sixth grate ; so he was not in my class any more and I did not have to deal with him on a daily basis . Initially , I thought that I had him off my back for good but it proved not to be so . He still was in the school repeating the fifth grade , and though his and my classrooms were located in different wings of the building , and our paths did not have to cross , he made an effort on many occasions to find me either on the playground or in the front of the main gate and to harass me . I don 't know why Globus hated me so much . He never told me . I guess he didn 't know himself . His hate was not rationally motivated but came from his guts . Whenever he saw me or even thought about me , he was getting madly stirred up with hate and anger , and then he was compelled by only one desire : to beat me up . For what ? I guess , in his view , I was guilty for his shortcomings . I was for him as a distorting mirror in which he saw only his own mental deficiencies . So he wanted to smash that mirror . On my part , I did not hate him . I was above that . I was not able to hate that miserable creature but rather felt a sort of embarrassment that someone low like he hated me so much . I wanted him to like me and admire me for my mental superiority . But instead , I had to feel ashamed that I was smarter than he was or rather , because he was dumber than me . Life is not just , people are not equally endowed in the same qualities . I was smarter and Globus was stronger . But he was not able or willing to come to terms with it . And he kept attacking me , and I kept running away to save my ass . It went on like this for about a year . But then I had enough of running . It was not good for my morale , and even worse I appeared as a coward and was losing popularity among friends . So one time I stood up to Globus when he attacked me at the main school gate . He barred my way and pushed me , not letting me pass through . But I pushed him back and we started to fight . The boys immediately flocked around in a crowded circle and instigated us to fight . Globus threw a punch at me but I blocked it and punched him back . Wow , he became furious and struck me with a series of wild punches . But I stood up to him punching him back . My punches were more precise and effective than his . I heard a single voice saying , " When Globus stands up he is going to kill him . " But he was not able to get up , I held him firm rolling and smearing him in the horse shit . I felt him grow weaker in my grip and it became easier for me to keep him down . My only concern was not to smear myself in the horseshit , so I made sure not to touch the ground . But I am not certain that she said that or something else or nothing else at all . Perhaps I did not pay attention to her words because I was happy that she let us off the hook . Eager to get lost , Globus and I immediately left the principal 's office . Once I fell in love with identical twin sisters , Inna and Nina , and was not able to make a choice about which one I preferred . The feeling was mutual , the twin sisters fell in love with me too and both of them kept flirting with me . One day they asked me coquettishly , " Which one of us is more beautiful , Nina or Inna ? " and then they were posing themselves seductively for my benefit . They looked at each other and laughed . " It is because we dress alike , " they said in unison . " Come to our house this evening and we will undress for you . You will see which of us you will desire more . The one of us that your desire chooses will become your girlfriend , " they said . " It will be a final test , " they added and asked me , " Are you up to it ? " " So see you then , " they said and departed . When the evening came , I went to the twin sisters ' house . They were waiting for me , both dressed in identical evening dresses . " Follow us , " they said and without much ado they lead me to a large room upstairs . There they asked me to sit in an armchair that was in the middle of the room . Then they undressed and stood stark naked before me , both in the exact same distance from me , one on the right , the other on the left side of the room . " Look at us , " they said in unison , " and choose the one you are attracted to more . " They both had rather large breasts and curvy hips that I found very attractive , but I was hesitating which one to choose since they were identical in size and shape . It was an impossible choice to make since even freckles ( that were plentiful ) were exactly in the same spots and in the same number . So I was sitting there drawn to them both but unable to make a move because the two objects of my desire attracted me with equal force . I never saw them again . Till now I can 't forgive myself for not choosing one of them . I could have said , " I choose you , on the right , or the other , on the left . " It didn 't matter which one ; they were identical , and that was what was confusing . But I learned my lesson . And in case I fall in love with identical twin sisters again and they ask me to choose between them , I will always arbitrarily choose the one on the right . The problem is that thirty - five years has already passed since then and there has not been another occasion - but I am not dead yet , so who knows . Sometime later I read Jean Buridan 's medieval fable about an ass that was not able to make his choice . In the spirit of the philosophical quest of the time about whether choice is preconditioned innately or determined by external circumstances , an ass was subjected to an experiment in which two identical bundles of hay were placed before him at the same distance , one on the right , the other on the left side . The ass was not able to make his mind which bundle of hay he preferred and died of hunger . |
When I entered the Golden Horn restaurant that evening it was already packed with people . I am not sure what time it was , but it had to be no later than eight in the evening . People were in the early stages of partying : they were having their first , maybe second drink . They were still behaving properly but were already warming up to the occasion and a buzz of excited chatter filled the room . The atmosphere was inviting . It jazzed me up at once , and I anticipated a good time . I walked around to check out the crowd . I frequently stopped by the Golden Horn and if I liked it , I stayed longer . It all depended on if I met some friends or spotted a beautiful tourist girl that I was interested in picking up , or both . This evening it was both . At once I spotted many beautiful tourist girls , the strongest incentive to stay , and began to look for a place to sit , but there were no tables available . So I decided to sit with the musicians , who were my friends and always welcomed me at their table in case of such an emergency . While I walked across the dance floor toward their table , I heard the familiar voice of my friend Peter call my name , " Krzysztof ! " I stopped and searched for him in the crowd but couldn 't see him . " Over here ! " he shouted again and now I spotted him waving at me . He was sitting at a table that was set up in case of over - crowdedness , as there was this evening . The table was placed on the outskirt of the dance floor , almost on it , in a curved niche in the wall next to the podium . I don 't recall who else was sitting there , but there were at least four or five people . I think my other friend Richard was there too . As I joined them the waitress was bringing a bottle of vodka . Peter asked for an extra glass for me , which she brought and poured the first round . We began to drink and were having a good time , but it didn 't last for long . There was an unpleasant incident that spoiled the fun . The manager of the restaurant approached a party of young people , who were sitting at the table across from us on the other side of the dance floor , and asked them to leave . At first I couldn 't tell why he wanted them to go because I was sitting too far away to hear what they were saying . I only saw the commotion : the manager hurriedly approached the table , gesticulated impatiently in broad gestures , then went away and came back again and argued with the young people who refused to leave . Then the argument became heated and the manager raised his voice , and I heard him say , " Move , move . Get lost ! We need to set up this table right now ! " He turned to the waitress , who was following him around and said , " Ms . Kristina , please , clear the table and set it for the new guests , " and left the room in a flurry . She nodded her head obediently and began clearing the glasses . The young people grabbed and shielded their drinks protesting , " Hey , hey , don 't take that , that 's my drink . " But the waitress ignored them and went about her business . The manager did not bother to reason with the youngsters . He got pissed off and rudely expelled them . I don 't recall exactly how he did it . Basically , he intimidated them . They got frightened and got lost . The whole incident was unpleasant to watch . It disturbed me and put me in a bad mood . The new guests soon arrived and took over the table . I looked them over . They had an air of importance around them and a brazenly arrogant attitude that only people of power have . The manager and his staff were ingratiatingly dancing around them . They were so forthcoming , so accommodating and compliant that it turned my stomach . I was disgusted to see how the manager and his staff had changed their attitude ; a moment ago they were so rude and hostile to the young people and now , in contrast , so polite and friendly to the new guests . I didn 't know who the new guests were , but my colleagues recognized them as prominent officials of our region . There was the First Secretary of the communist party from Klodzko , and the District Attorney from Bystrzyca , and a few other important officials whom my colleagues recognized by name and position and talked about with resentment in semi - hushed voices . They were outraged that the manager had kicked out the young people and given their table to the communist pigs , but they didn 't dare to do anything about it or protest openly . The general attitude at the table was , ' Ach what can we do , let it go , better to forget about it and pour another round of vodka , ' which we did . We toasted , " Na zdrowie , " but now with a sad undertone , and we drank . But I couldn 't forget about it and , despite myself and the vodka , kept obsessively thinking about the incident . The presence of the communists was getting on my nerves . I was gazing on them furtively with contempt and was growing gloomy . At the same time I was getting drunker and drunker until I was so smashed out of my mind that I don 't remember anything that happened during the next few hours . When I regained my senses , I was lying on a bed crushed under a pile of five or six guys who were holding me down . One of them was sitting on my chest and kept his hands on my throat . The others were holding my limbs . My arms were spread to the sides ; two guys were twisting and kneeling on them , and when I tried to move my legs , I found they were immobilized by the weight of two more guys who were sitting on them . " What 's going on ? " I wondered , still in a half - drunken stupor . I had no clue what had happened , why those guys were holding me down , or where I was . The room looked like a typical hotel room in the local tourist houses , but I didn 't know which tourist house it was . One thing was clear - I was in trouble . The first idea that came to me about how to resolve my predicament was to throw those guys off me and run . I thought I could do it . At that time , I was an exceptionally strong seventeen - year - old boy . I trusted my strength more then anything else . I imagined myself being a superman easily and decided to pull off the stunt . I knew that I 'd have to do it quickly and unexpectedly to surprise them and gain the upper hand . So to mislead them , I first pretended to be powerless and dead as a possum . When I felt them relax and loosen their grip , I suddenly mobilized my entire strength , threw those guys off me , and almost managed to get to my feet , but I failed to entirely free myself . They were all over me again , crushing me to the bed . This time they kept me firm and were so wired up that they nearly strangled me , occasionally punching and hitting me . They roughed me up pretty well , and I don 't know how it would have ended if I were not saved by a girl who entered the room at that moment and restrained them . I heard her screaming , " Stop it ! Stop beating him , you brutes ! " At the same time , she threw herself between us to protect me . They stopped beating me but still kept me firm . " You will not call the police on him , " Eva protested . And then she explained , " He came here because he was looking for me . We have a date . " That did not satisfy the guys and they decided that calling the police was the best idea . The problem was that the only phone was in the office in the main building and it was very late . So instead they decided to get Andrzej , a ski instructor who lived in the same building , and see if he could identify me . Andrzej soon came into the room , already in his pajama top , and they asked him if he knew me . He gave me a look of reproof and said , " Yeah , I know him . He 's a native boy . " Then he turned his gaze away from me , and said after a short pause , " He 's alright . " From that point on , Eva took care of me . She took me to her room that she shared with two other girls on the second floor . They were already in bed asleep or pretending to be asleep when we came in . She probably explained why I left later , but I don 't remember that now . The point is that she was telling the truth all along , and my breaking into the building made sense . I was coming for a date , came late , the front door was locked , so I broke the window , slipped my hand inside , unlocked the door and went inside . Then , as she already guessed , I mistook the floors and went to the third instead of the second one , went or broke into someone 's room , and was caught by those guys who , as Eva explained , were from the same tourist group as she . They were having some kind of youth convention of socialist students . " Oh , it must be about that broken glass , " I concluded . " What 's the big deal ? I 'll fix it or pay the janitor of the building to do it . " With that nonchalant attitude , I got ready to go to the main office . Before I left , Eva asked me to come back afterward . She lured me with the knowledge that her roommates were gone for the entire day on an excursion and we would have the room to ourselves . I promised her to return and then went to the main office . To get to the main building , I walked through the main street , which was like a promenade for tourists . It was already fairly crowded . People were parading in the sun , taking advantage of the good weather . It was really a lovely day but it was only painful to me because I had a heavy hangover . I felt like a blind moth and could barely keep my eyes open in the bright sunlight . As we entered , Peter excitedly blurted out that I didn 't remember anything . In the office were three people : the main manager , who was Peter 's mother ; the main accountant , who happened to be the mother of Richard , the other friend of mine who was partying with me at the Golden Horn the previous night ; and Andrzej , the ski instructor who intervened on my behalf the night before . All three of them looked at me with grave concern . Peter 's mother shook her head and asked me , " What have you done ? " I didn 't know what to answer but Peter jumped in , " He pissed on the communist 's table , that 's what he 's done . He gave them a golden shower . He pissed all over their table , peed on their plates , into their drinks , and splashed all over those pigs . Oh they were shocked , jumping away from the table to avoid getting wet , " he laughed half insanely and was about to go on when his mother cried , " Stop it , Peter , stop it . Cut it out . " " Not really , " I said . But in that moment something came to me , so I told them , " Wait , I recall a moment when I was leaving the restaurant . Anna , the bartender , was holding me by the hand and leading me through the crowd of agitated people toward the exit . ' Get out , get out , quickly , ' she was saying , ' run away , run away . ' Some other people were helping her to lead me out of the restaurant . Then , then , I don 't remember what happened next . " " It 's hard to say . People were dancing , it was crowded , the lights were turned down . I would say only one hundred people saw it , " Peter could not help joking . " Krzysztof , " Ms . Barbara turned to me , " it would be better if you disappeared for a while , at least until the end of this tourist turnout . The police are looking for you in town . It would be better that you weren 't in people 's eyes . Do you understand ? " she asked me . " Yeah , I do , " I said . But I didn 't really have a grasp of the scope of events . I did not fully realize what had happened and its possible consequences . It all seemed a little bit surreal , partly in a drunken fog . I don 't recall staying with Eva long . I went back only to say goodbye . Then I went into hiding for a while as my friends advised me . The police never found out who took a piss on the table of the prominent communists in the Golden Horn . However , I don 't know how hard they looked for me . Whatever , the fact is that no one ever ratted on me , even though , as I found out later , all the people in town knew about it . I became a sort of folk hero who dared to stand up to the communists . But does it really count ? Can someone become a hero as a result of a deed done unconsciously in a drunken stupor ? Well , I did . Still , whenever I recall what I did , I just feel embarrassed . It all went awry since the beginning of the day . I was walking from the dormitory to the school , as usual , a few minutes before eight am . The dormitory and the school were located in the same building , so all I had to do was go around the corner and walk one hundred yards to the main entrance of the school . On the way I met my friends , Gats , Wrobel , and Bogdan . They were standing under the school brick wall and were smiling sort of mischievously while looking at me approaching . I sensed that they were up to something , something bad most likely . " Hi ! " I greeted them . " Hi , hi Crystal , " they greeted me back and laughed . " What are you guys up to that you have so much fun this early in the morning , hmm ? " I asked them trying to get to their spirit . " Nothing , nothing , " they said , but laughed even harder while exchanging knowing gazes . " What , what is going on with you guys ? " I asked but they did not answer . Only when I waived my hand dismissively at them and turned away , saying at the same time , " O . K . I give up on you guys , I am going , " did Wrobel shout after me , " Hey Crystal , the teachers are checking emblems and hair at the entrance , they will not let you in . " " What ? " I asked turning back toward them . " Yes , Crystal , yes , " they all confirmed now being more serious . " I have my emblem , " I said and pulled the school emblem out of my pocket and attached it to the sleeve of my uniform with pins . " Good luck , " Gats said ironically , doubting that I would pass the entrance with the emblem pinned on instead of stitched onto the uniform as was obligatory . " What about you guys , don 't you go to school today ? " I asked . " You bet , " Bogdan said somehow firmly . " We are going on a wag . " " Oh , " I responded somehow being or pretending to be impressed . " Do you want to go with us ? " Gats asked . " No , " I said , " I haven 't planned that for today , " I excused myself with somewhat of a lie since I had never played hooky before . " But you guys have fun , " I said . " All righAt the school entrance , one of the teachers there stopped me and checked my appearance . He looked at my hair and said , " Your hair is too long . " " My hair is short , " I argued , " It doesn 't even reach my collar . " " Hair is supposed to be cut four fingers above the collar , " the teacher said . Then he checked my emblem , noticed that it was attached on with the pins , pulled it off and said , " Your emblem is falling off . " " It was pinned on , " I said . " It supposed to be stitched onto the uniform , " the teacher said . " What difference does it make whether it is pined or stitched , it appears the same , " I argued . But the teacher didn 't want to argue with me . He said , " Go get yourself a haircut and stitch the emblem onto your uniform properly . " " But , " I tried to protest . " End of discussion ! " the teacher cut me off abruptly . So I went away wondering , " Why are the school authorities suddenly so strict about the students ' appearances ? " At that time I didn 't know , now I know . It was 1968 , and student rioting was already taking place all around the country . The school authorities were imposing strict discipline for precaution , and any young man with long hair was an enemy of the state . For them I , or rather my appearance , was an enemy of the state . As I said , I didn 't know that at that time . However , the fact I was not allowed on the school grounds because of my appearance and the rude manners of the teacher pissed me off . I felt a mixture of anger and embarrassment . I felt offended . I felt I had been let down . Still , I had an option to get into the school through the back door of the basement , but I didn 't . I didn 't feel like sneaking into the building on the sly . My other option was to do as the teacher said : to get myself a haircut and to stitch the emblem onto the sleeve of my uniform . I didn 't even consider that option . It was below the level of my self - esteem . The third option was to go for a wag with my friends and that was what I did . I played hooky that day the firSo I went back to my friends and said , " They didn 't let me in . " " Go through the basement , " Gats said . " I know , " I responded somehow frustrated , " I will not go through the basement , fuck them . " It became clear and was assumed without more words that I would go with them for a wag . " Let 's go guys , " Bogdan said . And we went . First we went to the liquor store to pick up some booze . The liquor store was on Kraszewski St . , fifteen - twenty minutes walking distance from the school . But the store opened at nine am . So we had an hour to kill . We walked slowly , shuffling our feet . Gats was amusing himself by spitting on peoples ' coats from behind . Bogdan joined him . They were sort of competing about who could produce more saliva and hits the target better . Wrobel tried to join them , but he gave it up quickly , not being able to produce either enough saliva or to get it well to the target . Obviously he had no heart for it . But Gats and Bogdan were getting into it obsessively , spitting on people with sick pleasure . It was performed as a boyish prank but done with scornful attitude . I did not participate in that game . I was disgusted . We must have really walked slowly because when we got to the liquor store it was already open . We stopped near by and pooled our money together for the booze . We collected one hundred and six sloty , enough for two bottles of vodka . But Bogdan said , " It is not enough . We need three bottles . " Bogdan and I gave our shares . Wrobel had no money at all so we exempted him . Gats had money but he had to pay for the dormitory . So he said , " I can 't spent more , guys , I don 't have any extra except to pay for the dormitory . " " Come on , Gats , " said Bogdan , " you will pay later . " " I can 't , " Gats said , " I 've already spent my dormitory rent money twice this month . " We believed him . Gats used to spend his rent money for booze each month but his mother always gave him money again , in secret from his father . Yet Bogdan was insisting , " We need three bottles . " " We can 't , " I said , " Two is alright with me . " " It sucks , " Bogdan said , " I thought we were clear on that . " " Shit , " Gats said , " I 'll give you the money , what the heck . " He pulled out a pile of money from his pocket and gave a few bills for his share to Bogdan . " Good , it is set , " Bogdan said . " Who is going to get the booze ? Wroble asked . " I will go , " Gats said , " I look the oldest . " " No , you don 't , " Wrobel said . " I will go , " Bogdan said decisively . " Why you ? " Gats was protesting . " Because I am the oldest one and I have an id , " Bogdan responded . We didn 't know that at that time . Bogdan was a new comer to our school . He was a disciplinary case transferred from Ziebice for bad behavior . So , we accepted his offer to go and buy the liquor . The rest of us were minors : Gats and Vrobel were seventeen and I was sixteen years old . While Bogdan went to the liquor store , we waited around the corner so as not to cause any suspicion . He came back shortly carrying three bottles of vodka in his hands . While he was approaching us , he stopped half way and said , " You know what guys , you are minors . You should not drink this hideous stuff , so I am throwing it away . " And in that moment , he threw all three bottles high into the air . We all screamed in despair , " Ooh , no ! " But , amazingly , he caught all three bottles one by one into his hands and started juggling with them . We were astonished . He was juggling those bottles with utter skill and confidence as if he were a professional circus juggler . We were impressed , yet he was juggling with our bottles of vodka , so we were also afraid that he would drop the bottles and spill the precious liquor on the ground . So when he stopped juggling , gracefully catching all three bottles , we were relieved , but not for long . Bogdan once again threw the bottles into the air and continued to juggle them . He kept doing that a few times , till , in the moment of his third juggling interval , we jumped on him and took the bottles away , advising him jokingly to juggle with sticks or stones instead . We were not angry with him by any means . He impressed us with his juggling show and we admired him . We went to drink vodka outside the town on the bank of the Nysa river . We walked along the river on a narrow dirt path a few miles and stopped where there were vast low marshy meadows . It was a deserted area , a good spot for truants . We felt safe there that no one , in particular the police , would bother us . We hung over there the whole day , till evening . Nothing extraordinary was happening . We were just killing time drinking vodka , playing cards , first poker then bridge , and then , when we got drunk , doing macho sporty stunts . Only after we drunk the last round of vodka , we headed back toward the town . It was already dark . We were getting very hungry . The few sandwiches we had brought with us we had eaten hours ago . We walked quickly almost hurriedly . We were in very good spirits - vodka was well boozing in our heads and our bodies were still excited by the fun games we had played on the bank of the Nysa river . However , the closer we were getting to the town , the less spirited we became . It was probably because we were getting sober and dry , and because our wag was coming to the end , and because we were approaching the town , the place of our dreary school and dorm - the place of restriction . By the time we reached the outskirts of the town , we were gloomy . And the gloominess grew on us the farther to the town we went . It was unbearable , as if we were going back to prison . And when we were in this gloomy mood , Gats spotted an old woman pushing a cart with vegetables through the small city square . She seemed to be coming back from the market . At one moment , the old woman stopped and bent over her cart arranging something in it . Gats spotted her and said , " Look guys what an enormous ass she has . " Then suddenly he ran toward her as fast as he could and kicked her in the ass with his full force . The poor woman fell into the cart with her face into the vegetables . She was not able to get herself out - her legs were kicking hopelessly and grotesquely into the air . At first she did not scream , probably being flabbergasted or because her face was in the vegetables , but then , a few moments later , she screamed with utter outrage , " Hooligans , hooligans , bandits , oo , Mother Mary , help , help ! " and so on . " We cleared out , running away and laughing . We all thought it was hysterically funny . Taken by surprise , as the poor woman was , we were not able to stop laughing . Later on , when we were having Russian pierogi for dinner in the Milk Bar , we asked Gats why he had done that . He said , " I don 't know . I did not intend to . I just saw her ass and could not resist kicking it . I could not help myself . " We all were saying that it was not cool to kick an old woman in the ass , but at the same time we were not able to stop laughing . This incident jazzed us up . Our good spirits were back . We didn 't feel like going home . We were ready for action . " Let 's go to Ratuszowa , " Gats said . We looked at him and nodded our heads skeptically " Yeah , sure . " Ratuszowa was a nightclub in the market square in the center of town , rather expensive . We had no money left . " What the heck , " Gats said joyously , " I have money , guys . Let 's go and drink it away . Let 's drink up every single penny of my money for the dormitory rent . " And he laughed , and we laughed . " How are you going to pay for the dormitory rent ? " Wrobel voiced his concern . " I don 't know , " said Gats and laughed again . " He doesn 't know , " said Bogdan and laughed as well . " Do you know , Wrobel , how Gats is going to pay for the dormitory rent ? " I asked and laughed . " I don 't know , " said Wrobel and shrugged his shoulder , " I am just voicing my concern that … . " " Shut up , Wrobel , " Bogdan cut him off abruptly . " Shut up , Wrobel , " I said . " Shut your trap ! Wrobel , " Gats shouted , " and let 's go ! " " Let 's go ! " we said . And so we went . We came to Ratuszowa sometime after eight pm . The restaurant was three fourths filled with people ; the bar was packed . The decadent warmth of adult debauchery and lust was oozing in the rooms . We got excited but behaved cool , in our conviction as adults , not letting our immaturity to show . After all , with the exception of Bogdan , we were minors - we didn 't want to cause suspicion , we didn 't want to be found out . But no one cared to check our ids . We got in without any problems , took a table in the dancing room , and ordered drinks . Everything looked as if we were going to have a good time . Our table was set with drinks , our imaginations tempted by the sluttish women hanging around , the prospect to get laid this evening on our minds . But that was as far as it went . Gats went to the bar for a drink with one of the musician whom he knew and spotted Gnidacewicz , a teacher from our school . Gats quickly backed up and returned to our table . He said , " Gnidacewicz is in the bar , we have to flee . " Wrobel jerked in the chair , getting ready to run . " " Cool down Wrobel , " said Bogdan and grabbed Wrobel 's forearm , bringing him to standstill , " Don 't rush , there 's not reason to panic . " Then he turned to Gats and asked him , " Has Gnidacewicz seen you ? " " I don 't know , " said Gats , " but I don 't think so . " " Alright , " said Bogdan , " let 's split one by one . " " Crystal will go first , " Bogdan said , " Gats and Wrobel next , and I will go last . " We snuck out of the club , seemingly unnoticed . There was no other place to go . We just wandered a little bit around the empty streets and then slowly headed toward the dormitory . On the way , while passing through the old town , we stopped in front of a curiosity shop window on Mularska Street . We looked through the window which was poorly lid but bright enough to see the displayed merchandise . Our attention was attracted to a hunter 's knife . Wrobel first noticed the knife and said , " I would like to have that hunter 's knife . " " Where do you see it ? " Gats asked intrigued . " Over there , in the right lower corner , " Wrobel answered slightly indicating the knife with his chin . Gats recognized the location of the knife and exclaimed , " Wow ! " Bogdan and I too were looking at the knife . It was a very fancy knife with a decorative horned handgrip and an impressively curved serrated blade , displayed next to a dark brown leather sheath . " One hundred twenty seven zlotys ! " Wrobel exclaimed while reading the price tag attached to the knife and whistled with amazement . " You can 't have it , Wrobel , " Gats said and added bluntly , " You can 't afford it . " " We can break a window and take the knife , " Bogdan calmly said . " " Sure , we can , " Gats reverberated sardonically , " no one is around here but us . " " Would you break the window ? " Wrobel asked Gats teasingly . " Would you ? " Gats responded defensively . " I would , " Bogdan said . " Why don 't you then ? " Wrobel said . " It 's you who wants the knife , " Bogdan responded . While they kept teasing and instigating each other relentlessly , I was getting pissed off at them . I felt a rage was growing in me . I don 't know exactly why , maybe because they were tempted to steal and were sheepish at the same time . It angered and embarrassed me . " Do you really want the knife , Wrobel ? " I asked him willfully . " Sure , I do , " answered Wrobel . " Good , " I said and broke the window by punching at the glass with my bare fist . I didn 't punch at the front but the side glass window , choosing " Here is you knife , " I said to Wrobel and handed it toward him . " I don 't want this knife , " Wrobel said raising his hands up in a gesture both of refusing and giving up . " What happened to your hand ? " Bogdan asked . Only then and there did I notice that my hand was bleeding heavily . " I don 't know , " I said being surprised myself with the bloody picture . " Put that damn knife on the ground , " Bogdan said with a downward waiving hand motion . I put the knife on the ground . My friends gathered around me and looked at my hand . I had badly injured the knuckle of my index finger of my right hand . The skin was cut wide open , the meat shredded , the knuckle bone exposed bare naked , and blood gushed profusely from the wound . " Shit ! Crystal , " Gats exclaimed through his teeth and said , " it is really fucked . " " Do you have a handkerchief ? " I asked somehow calmly not yet realizing the seriousness of my injury since I did not feel any pain . Gats offered a white handkerchief and I wrapped it around my finger but the handkerchief became red with blood in an instant . " It will not do , " Bogdan said . " Go to the emergency room , Crystal , " Gats said . " Jesus ! " Wrobel whizzed impatiently and said nothing . " I can 't go to the emergency room now , " I said refusing , knowing that if I were to go I would be submitted to a police investigation besides of medical treatment . " You have to stop the blood right now , " Gats said with concern . " This wound looks terrible . It looks to me as if you need surgery and a few stitches , " he added . " No , no , " I protested , " its not so bad . Don 't worry about me . It is just a minor injury . Disinfecting with hydrogen peroxide and wrapping it up in bandages will do . " " I don 't think so , " Gats voiced his doubt . But I insisted on not going to the emergency room and said , " I will wait till tomorrow , if the wound worsens , I will go to the doctor . " It seemed the best solution under the circumstance . " That 's a good idea , " Bogdan said . The others acIt wasn 't until then that Bogdan picked up the knife from the ground , wiped the blood off it with the sleeve of my shirt that hung loose from my wrapped hand , looked at the knife demonstratively and said , " good piece of work . " Then he slipped the knife into his pocket casually as if it belonged to him and said , " Let 's go guys and no word about this to anyone . " We went into the dorm on the sly through the window on the second floor . It was our secret entrance that no one suspected because the window was fifteen feet above the ground . We were entering through there on ten feet long board bridged between the fence wall and the windowsill . We climbed the wall , set up the board , and crossed it one by one . Now it seems to be a very dangerous operation , risking falling off the maybe wobbly board suspended fifteen feet above the cement ground . But back then , to pass over that board was a piece of cake for us . In the dorm , I took care of my wound . Gats was assisting me . He brought bandages and hydrogen peroxide . In the bathroom , I washed and disinfected the wounded knuckle ; Gats bandaged my hand . We managed to stop the bleeding . " It doesn 't look so bad anymore , " I said to Gats reassuringly . " No , it doesn 't , " Gats said and smiled at me with a smirk as if to say that we had made it . " O . K . lets go to bed , " he said and quickly grabbed the bottle with hydrogen peroxide and extra bandages , then stuck them into my pocket saying , " Take them for later on . " Then we split and went to bed . When I lay in bed , my hand begun to hurt , first mildly and then unbearably . I was not able to sleep the entire night out of pain . Yet I withstood both the pain and sleeplessness , and in the morning I got up from bed and got ready for school . That day I went to school as usual . There was no checkpoint at the main entrance . Anyway , if there were I would get in through the basement . Students from my class were asking what happened to my hand . I told them that I had injured myself in a workshop . During lounge break , we all four were called to the principal 's office . We went there expecting the worst . I even considered not going and to drop out of school for good . But I gave up that idea since it would not be fair to my friends . I had stolen the knife and decided to take all the blame on myself . While waiting at the door of the principal 's office , I said to my friends , " Don 't worry , guys , I will take the whole blame on me . " Then the door opened and we were called in . In the room was the principal and Gnidacewicz , the teacher we spotted in Ratuszowa the night before . " What have you been doing in Ratuszowa late at night ? " the principal asked us . " We stopped over there just for a moment to get sodas since every thing else was already closed , " Gats lied on the spot . " You were drinking hard liquor and smoking cigarettes , " said Gnidacewicz matter of fact . " Don 't lie fellows , it only makes your situation worse , " the principal said . We admitted drinking and smoking in Ratuszowa . As punishment , we were put on probation for one quarter . I could not help myself and went to the place of my crime during the same day in the late afternoon . I stood on the front of the curiosity shop window in the same place as the night before . The broken glass was replaced with a piece of plywood . I looked at the spot in the window where the knife had been displayed the previous night . The spot was empty but the knife 's dark brown sheath was still there . " Why didn 't I take the sheath ? " slipped through my mind mischievously only to become ashamed for my thoughts a moment later . I suddenly felt like a thief and it felt awful . " I am not a thief , " I was arguing with myself , " I never stole anything before . " " I stole the knife last night , " an involuntary voice was saying contradictorily in my head , " I am a thief . " I started to regret my act . " What the hell did I do it for ? " I was beating myself with thoughts , " Just to impress my friends ? Or to prove something ? To prove what ? That I am tough or mad as hell ? " And yet when I was committing the crime at night , it seemed like the right thing to do under the circumstance . I was compelled to do it on the spur of the moment and I did it . I did not calculate why and for what I was doing it . Apparently an evil impulse took me over and I did it . Yet , a day later I was tormenting myself with guilt . I wished to undo my crime , but to no avail . What is done is done . I could only lessen the consequences by giving the knife back to the shopkeeper and paying for the broken window . So conscience stricken I went to Bogdan and asked him to give me the knife back . Bogdan was surprised but in his usual calm voice he said , " I thought that you gave me this knife . " " No Bogdan , I said , " I gave the knife to Wrobel but he didn 't want it so you took it . " " Does he wants the knife now or do you want it for yourself ? " Bogdan asked . " No , no , no Bogdan , " I protested , " No such thing , what do you take me for ? " " I want to give the knife back to the shop - keeper , " I explained and was flabbergasted with my own words realizing the absurdity of my intendment . Bogdan looked at me firmly and said nothing , waiting for further explanation . " And I am going to pay for the broken window , " I said flounderingly . I felt I was blushing , as if I revealed a shameful secret to him . Bogdan turned his eyes away from me , made a few slow but firm steps , and standing with his back to me said , " I don 't have this knife any more . I have gotten rid of it . " I didn 't ask Bogdan how he got rid of the knife , and he did not bother to explain it on his own . He just was standing there with his back to me in silence , and I was waiting wondering whether he was telling the truth or lying . Whatever , one thing was clear to me that he was not going to give me the knife back , and consequently , I was not going to give this knife back to the shopkeeper . Finally I said breaking the silence , " that 's alright Bogdan , forget about it , " and I went away . When I was leaving , Bogdan called after me , " Crystal , don 't do anything stupid , alright ? " " Alright , " I said and left the room . I never went to the doctor to take care of my injured knuckle . I took care of the wound myself . It healed up alright . Only a small zigzag like scar remains on my knuckle until this day . The first time I saw the sea I was already fourteen years old . It was when I was at summer camp in Gdynia , a renowned resort on the Baltic Sea . Our camp was located a mile or two away from the seashore , so to get to the beach we had to walk for about forty minutes , walking slowly because there were kids of various ages between seven and fourteen and the youngest ones lagged behind . We walked on a dirt road , first through a pine forest that grew on the sandy soil and was beaten up by the north winds . The trees were tall but the growth on their branches was so thin that I could see the light on the other side of the forest . Then we walked through the meadows that were partly covered in sand and partly in growth - poor but beautiful . There were some tufts of uncut grass and clumps of blueberry bushes . Then the terrain became more hilly and gradually transformed into the dunes . While approaching one of the dunes , a slice of the sea suddenly appeared on the horizon . I kept walking a short ways on the rather flat top of the dune until the whole vastness of the sea came into my view . Then I stopped there arrested by its beauty . In a first impression there is everything and more , and that was how I felt there looking at the sea . It was enormous and open and seemed limitless . It stirred my imagination to reach beyond the horizon - it was like an invitation for an adventure , no doubt to unknown lands waiting for me to discover . While I was standing there spellbound by the view and day - dreaming of faraway lands , the other kids were screaming with excitement and ran forth as fast as they could to get to the sea first . They were passing by me in close proximity disturbing my meditation , but soon I yielded to their wild spirit and also ran like crazy down the road toward the beach . When we reached the sea , we jumped up and down on the beach and screamed , " Hurrahs and wows ! " Then our initial excitement cooled down and we settled on the beach , some of us on blankets , others on the sand . We were waiting for the sun to come out . We looked up , throwing gazes at the cloudy sky with both expectation and skepticism in turns , for it was hard to say how the weather was going to turn . As is typical by the Baltic Sea , it was hard to figure out whether it was too cold or warm enough to take your clothes off , even more so , to go swimming . So we were hanging there , playing and wishing for better weather . Some kids got partly undressed . A few teenage girls even went down to their bikinis . I am sure just to seduce me , for there was no other reason ; I swore I saw goose bumps on their skin . Nevertheless , the naked girls were the exception , for the most the kids stayed fully dressed . The boys started a teasing game daring each other to go for a swim in the cold water of the sea . I heard instigating voices , " Let 's go swimming , " someone said . " Let 's go , " someone else followed , but no one moved . " Are you afraid of the cold water ? " someone else teased . " No , I 'm not ! Are you ? " was the response . " No , I am not ! " " Really ? " " Yes , really . " " So let 's go ! " " You go ! " " I will go ! " " We will see . " " You go first , " and so on . In response the kids teased me as they did the others , " Oh yeah , we will see what kind of hero you are . " But unlike the others , I pulled it through . I took off my clothes and went to the sea . Well , the kids found it funny too and they laughed at me again , though it was not funny to me , but rather derisive - I felt humiliated but also provoked . I was not going to bend , my stubborn if not wayward nature showed up , and I decided to swim despite being forbidden . I said to Edward , " It 's not much of an explanation , is it ? " I looked around . She was almost right , but in the distance I spotted a few bathers . I pointed them out to her and said , " There people are bathing , do you see them ? " The sun never came out that day , and we did not bathe or swim . In fact , the weather became horrible , there appeared chilly gusts of wind and heavy clouds gathered in the sky , threatening to rain . The guardians grew concerned and cut short our stay at the beach . Hurriedly we went back to the camp . Everyday between four and six p . m . we took a nap . It was obligatory for all kids - which was fine , I bet , for the younger kids , some of them as young as seven , for they naturally need to sleep during the day , but for the older kids , the oldest like me were fourteen , it was a drag . It was unnatural . We didn 't need to sleep during the day . Absurdly enough , regardless of the age , we had to stay in our beds and keep quiet for two hours . During those late afternoon naps , Lisa used to come occasionally to my bedroom that I shared with twelve other boys , and sit on the edge of my bed . She placed her hand over my body , leaned forward above me , and then she talked with me in whispers . I don 't remember much of those conversations , they were small talks . She asked me about where I was from , my parents , friends , and whatever came to her mind . It did not matter . What mattered was that her shapely firm breasts were right in front of my face and the ends of her long red hair were occasionally touching and skimming my skin , invoking all sorts of sexual sensations that she seemed or pretended not to be aware off . I had to pretend too , lying there unnaturally stiffened , thinking of nothing else but to roll her over and have sex with her ( but how ? ) . The question was what she was thinking doing that to a fourteen year old boy ? Flirting ? Seducing ? I had no way of knowing for sure , for her manner of behavior was ambiguous . But my roommates seemed to know for certain . When she left the room , they immediately awoke from their pretended sleep and had a lot to say , such as , " O man , wow , she is after you , etc . " Edward , our guardian , was a student at the Sport Academy and liked sporting . One day while we were playing on the meadows nearby our camp , he wrestled with the boys for fun . He let the boys come at him in groups of five or more , and then he was throwing them around on the ground . Although there were many of them , it was easy for him to beat them , for they were just kids , while he was a powerful well - trained athlete . I don 't remember how it happened , but seeing him indulging in his victories over the kids , the two strongest boys challenged him to a wrestling match , or maybe it was the opposite way around and Edward , seeing the boys passively sitting and watching , challenged them to a match . One of those boys was me , the other , Kaczorowski , a boy from a foster home . We wrestled and took Edward down , and then immobilized him in wrestling grips on the ground . The kids reacted with euphoria , cheering and clapping their hands . Our victory was obvious ; Edward was powerless in our grips . Assuming the fright was over , Kaczorowski and I loosened our grips and let Edward go . But the moment he regained his freedom of movement , he began to push and kick us . Kaczorowski jumped out of his reach , but I was still entangled with Edward and suddenly found myself under his legs being kicked furiously . For some incomprehensive reason he still tried to prove that he had won the match - it turned ugly , he lost his temper and became viciously aggressive . Finally , I managed to disentangle myself from his legs and pulled away , but Edward still could not help himself and kicked the ground a few more times in desperation , evidently loosing self - control . It took us all by surprise , so we backed off . The cheers , shouts and clapping suddenly died out and in contrast , an ominous silence took over . The boys looked at each other with embarrassment and then turned away and dispersed . Lisa was there too and had seen the whole thing . I noticed that she was deeply disturbed by it . She said something to Edward , but I was already too far away from A day or two later , Lisa came to my bedroom during our afternoon nap . She approached my bed and said in a lowered voice so as not to wake the other boys , " Krzysztof , get up and get dressed , quickly . " " Aha , " I said in recognition . " Come on , " she hurried me up , " there is a big mess in the kitchen . They had to change the supper menu because the delivery guy didn 't come . He got lost or something . And one cook quit . They 're in a panic . No one to go shopping , so I offered . " So I got dressed and went shopping with her to the public market in Gdynia that was about two miles away . We walked on the dirt road through an uninhabited area . Some of it was the same road we used to take to the beach . Lisa was playful and seductive . She held my hand and we grew attracted to each other . On the way back , we stopped to rest . We went there and sat down . She sat very close to me and put her hand around me the same way she used to in the bedroom . This time we were alone , with no boys around us , and there was no ambiguity any more . We embraced and kissed and I touched her body , here and there , the intimate parts . She was allowing me to touch her , in fact provoking , then withdrawing with laughter saying , " We cannot do that , " and " They 're waiting for us , we have to go back . " But we did not go . We got hot and passionate and pulled our clothes off . Then I heard her saying , " No , no , no . " But it was too late to stop - I had already pulled her toward my body and suddenly penetrated her . She heaved a sigh and moaned , then arched her body back and forth repeatedly in spasmodic movements , finally clinging to me in a wet embrace . When we were done , she was crying . " No , no , ' she denied , " Nothing is wrong . " Then when I wanted to go at it a second time , she looked at her watch and said , " O my god , it is already about six . We have to rush . The first tour is about to have supper and the cooks still don 't have their herbs . " Saying this she quickly put her panties on , stood up , shook the sand off her clothes and then we hurriedly headed back . In those few days left , I saw her often with Mr . Edward , somehow closer then ever . When it so happened that she encountered me in public , she casually exchanged a few words with me as if nothing had ever happened between us . I knew that we had crossed the line and our love - sex affair had no chance to flourish . It was just a summer adventure . " That you are so young , " she said . ( I said nothing to that but I didn 't think her too old , she was only nineteen . ) Then she leaned closer to my ear and said , " But I don 't regret what happened . " I did not answer her , though I had no doubt that I did not regret it either . " Do you hear me ? " she asked me . One of the boys from that group had an unnaturally large head . The rumor was that it was due to a some kind of syndrome such as water on the brain , but no one really knew for sure , for the medical diagnoses about these kind of syndromes were not so precise at that time , that time being the mid - sixties . However , the boy was noticeably slow and heavy minded , one might have thought that he was retarded . His nickname was Globus , obviously due to the hugeness of his head . However , in shape his head was rather more like a huge egg than a globe . It was abnormally elongated backward and looked surreal , like the egg - shaped people from a Salvador Dali painting . Once in history class I was sitting directly behind Globus when the teacher called on him to hear his lesson . Globus stood up reluctantly , and the teacher started to ask him questions but Globus was , as usual , not ready to answer . He just stood there silent as a mute and cast his eyes down as if he were either humiliated or resentful or both . So I took pity on him and prompted him , whispering the answers behind his back . He heard me perfectly well and repeated aloud after me word for word . The teacher was impressed with his knowledge and gave him a very good grade . After the class was over , however , Globus attacked me furiously on the school playground . It came from nowhere . Suddenly I saw him at a distance of twenty five to thirty yards emerging from a crowd of pupils and running aggressively toward me . He looked mad as hell . He was clenching his fists and shaking them threateningly ; and he was screaming and roaring as a beast . This only enraged him more , so he turned around and charged at me again , punching and kicking furiously . I managed to block or avoid almost all of his blows because I was faster than he . Yet he was going at me relentlessly , and I had no chance to stand up to him because he was bigger and seemed to be stronger than me . At least I thought he was stronger because he was one or two years older than me , even though we were in the same grade . Fortunately , Globus did not pass to the sixth grate ; so he was not in my class any more and I did not have to deal with him on a daily basis . Initially , I thought that I had him off my back for good but it proved not to be so . He still was in the school repeating the fifth grade , and though his and my classrooms were located in different wings of the building , and our paths did not have to cross , he made an effort on many occasions to find me either on the playground or in the front of the main gate and to harass me . I don 't know why Globus hated me so much . He never told me . I guess he didn 't know himself . His hate was not rationally motivated but came from his guts . Whenever he saw me or even thought about me , he was getting madly stirred up with hate and anger , and then he was compelled by only one desire : to beat me up . For what ? I guess , in his view , I was guilty for his shortcomings . I was for him as a distorting mirror in which he saw only his own mental deficiencies . So he wanted to smash that mirror . On my part , I did not hate him . I was above that . I was not able to hate that miserable creature but rather felt a sort of embarrassment that someone low like he hated me so much . I wanted him to like me and admire me for my mental superiority . But instead , I had to feel ashamed that I was smarter than he was or rather , because he was dumber than me . Life is not just , people are not equally endowed in the same qualities . I was smarter and Globus was stronger . But he was not able or willing to come to terms with it . And he kept attacking me , and I kept running away to save my ass . It went on like this for about a year . But then I had enough of running . It was not good for my morale , and even worse I appeared as a coward and was losing popularity among friends . So one time I stood up to Globus when he attacked me at the main school gate . He barred my way and pushed me , not letting me pass through . But I pushed him back and we started to fight . The boys immediately flocked around in a crowded circle and instigated us to fight . Globus threw a punch at me but I blocked it and punched him back . Wow , he became furious and struck me with a series of wild punches . But I stood up to him punching him back . My punches were more precise and effective than his . I heard a single voice saying , " When Globus stands up he is going to kill him . " But he was not able to get up , I held him firm rolling and smearing him in the horse shit . I felt him grow weaker in my grip and it became easier for me to keep him down . My only concern was not to smear myself in the horseshit , so I made sure not to touch the ground . But I am not certain that she said that or something else or nothing else at all . Perhaps I did not pay attention to her words because I was happy that she let us off the hook . Eager to get lost , Globus and I immediately left the principal 's office . Once I fell in love with identical twin sisters , Inna and Nina , and was not able to make a choice about which one I preferred . The feeling was mutual , the twin sisters fell in love with me too and both of them kept flirting with me . One day they asked me coquettishly , " Which one of us is more beautiful , Nina or Inna ? " and then they were posing themselves seductively for my benefit . They looked at each other and laughed . " It is because we dress alike , " they said in unison . " Come to our house this evening and we will undress for you . You will see which of us you will desire more . The one of us that your desire chooses will become your girlfriend , " they said . " It will be a final test , " they added and asked me , " Are you up to it ? " " So see you then , " they said and departed . When the evening came , I went to the twin sisters ' house . They were waiting for me , both dressed in identical evening dresses . " Follow us , " they said and without much ado they lead me to a large room upstairs . There they asked me to sit in an armchair that was in the middle of the room . Then they undressed and stood stark naked before me , both in the exact same distance from me , one on the right , the other on the left side of the room . " Look at us , " they said in unison , " and choose the one you are attracted to more . " They both had rather large breasts and curvy hips that I found very attractive , but I was hesitating which one to choose since they were identical in size and shape . It was an impossible choice to make since even freckles ( that were plentiful ) were exactly in the same spots and in the same number . So I was sitting there drawn to them both but unable to make a move because the two objects of my desire attracted me with equal force . I never saw them again . Till now I can 't forgive myself for not choosing one of them . I could have said , " I choose you , on the right , or the other , on the left . " It didn 't matter which one ; they were identical , and that was what was confusing . But I learned my lesson . And in case I fall in love with identical twin sisters again and they ask me to choose between them , I will always arbitrarily choose the one on the right . The problem is that thirty - five years has already passed since then and there has not been another occasion - but I am not dead yet , so who knows . Sometime later I read Jean Buridan 's medieval fable about an ass that was not able to make his choice . In the spirit of the philosophical quest of the time about whether choice is preconditioned innately or determined by external circumstances , an ass was subjected to an experiment in which two identical bundles of hay were placed before him at the same distance , one on the right , the other on the left side . The ass was not able to make his mind which bundle of hay he preferred and died of hunger . |
When I entered the Golden Horn restaurant that evening it was already packed with people . I am not sure what time it was , but it had to be no later than eight in the evening . People were in the early stages of partying : they were having their first , maybe second drink . They were still behaving properly but were already warming up to the occasion and a buzz of excited chatter filled the room . The atmosphere was inviting . It jazzed me up at once , and I anticipated a good time . I walked around to check out the crowd . I frequently stopped by the Golden Horn and if I liked it , I stayed longer . It all depended on if I met some friends or spotted a beautiful tourist girl that I was interested in picking up , or both . This evening it was both . At once I spotted many beautiful tourist girls , the strongest incentive to stay , and began to look for a place to sit , but there were no tables available . So I decided to sit with the musicians , who were my friends and always welcomed me at their table in case of such an emergency . While I walked across the dance floor toward their table , I heard the familiar voice of my friend Peter call my name , " Krzysztof ! " I stopped and searched for him in the crowd but couldn 't see him . " Over here ! " he shouted again and now I spotted him waving at me . He was sitting at a table that was set up in case of over - crowdedness , as there was this evening . The table was placed on the outskirt of the dance floor , almost on it , in a curved niche in the wall next to the podium . I don 't recall who else was sitting there , but there were at least four or five people . I think my other friend Richard was there too . As I joined them the waitress was bringing a bottle of vodka . Peter asked for an extra glass for me , which she brought and poured the first round . We began to drink and were having a good time , but it didn 't last for long . There was an unpleasant incident that spoiled the fun . The manager of the restaurant approached a party of young people , who were sitting at the table across from us on the other side of the dance floor , and asked them to leave . At first I couldn 't tell why he wanted them to go because I was sitting too far away to hear what they were saying . I only saw the commotion : the manager hurriedly approached the table , gesticulated impatiently in broad gestures , then went away and came back again and argued with the young people who refused to leave . Then the argument became heated and the manager raised his voice , and I heard him say , " Move , move . Get lost ! We need to set up this table right now ! " He turned to the waitress , who was following him around and said , " Ms . Kristina , please , clear the table and set it for the new guests , " and left the room in a flurry . She nodded her head obediently and began clearing the glasses . The young people grabbed and shielded their drinks protesting , " Hey , hey , don 't take that , that 's my drink . " But the waitress ignored them and went about her business . The manager did not bother to reason with the youngsters . He got pissed off and rudely expelled them . I don 't recall exactly how he did it . Basically , he intimidated them . They got frightened and got lost . The whole incident was unpleasant to watch . It disturbed me and put me in a bad mood . The new guests soon arrived and took over the table . I looked them over . They had an air of importance around them and a brazenly arrogant attitude that only people of power have . The manager and his staff were ingratiatingly dancing around them . They were so forthcoming , so accommodating and compliant that it turned my stomach . I was disgusted to see how the manager and his staff had changed their attitude ; a moment ago they were so rude and hostile to the young people and now , in contrast , so polite and friendly to the new guests . I didn 't know who the new guests were , but my colleagues recognized them as prominent officials of our region . There was the First Secretary of the communist party from Klodzko , and the District Attorney from Bystrzyca , and a few other important officials whom my colleagues recognized by name and position and talked about with resentment in semi - hushed voices . They were outraged that the manager had kicked out the young people and given their table to the communist pigs , but they didn 't dare to do anything about it or protest openly . The general attitude at the table was , ' Ach what can we do , let it go , better to forget about it and pour another round of vodka , ' which we did . We toasted , " Na zdrowie , " but now with a sad undertone , and we drank . But I couldn 't forget about it and , despite myself and the vodka , kept obsessively thinking about the incident . The presence of the communists was getting on my nerves . I was gazing on them furtively with contempt and was growing gloomy . At the same time I was getting drunker and drunker until I was so smashed out of my mind that I don 't remember anything that happened during the next few hours . When I regained my senses , I was lying on a bed crushed under a pile of five or six guys who were holding me down . One of them was sitting on my chest and kept his hands on my throat . The others were holding my limbs . My arms were spread to the sides ; two guys were twisting and kneeling on them , and when I tried to move my legs , I found they were immobilized by the weight of two more guys who were sitting on them . " What 's going on ? " I wondered , still in a half - drunken stupor . I had no clue what had happened , why those guys were holding me down , or where I was . The room looked like a typical hotel room in the local tourist houses , but I didn 't know which tourist house it was . One thing was clear - I was in trouble . The first idea that came to me about how to resolve my predicament was to throw those guys off me and run . I thought I could do it . At that time , I was an exceptionally strong seventeen - year - old boy . I trusted my strength more then anything else . I imagined myself being a superman easily and decided to pull off the stunt . I knew that I 'd have to do it quickly and unexpectedly to surprise them and gain the upper hand . So to mislead them , I first pretended to be powerless and dead as a possum . When I felt them relax and loosen their grip , I suddenly mobilized my entire strength , threw those guys off me , and almost managed to get to my feet , but I failed to entirely free myself . They were all over me again , crushing me to the bed . This time they kept me firm and were so wired up that they nearly strangled me , occasionally punching and hitting me . They roughed me up pretty well , and I don 't know how it would have ended if I were not saved by a girl who entered the room at that moment and restrained them . I heard her screaming , " Stop it ! Stop beating him , you brutes ! " At the same time , she threw herself between us to protect me . They stopped beating me but still kept me firm . " You will not call the police on him , " Eva protested . And then she explained , " He came here because he was looking for me . We have a date . " That did not satisfy the guys and they decided that calling the police was the best idea . The problem was that the only phone was in the office in the main building and it was very late . So instead they decided to get Andrzej , a ski instructor who lived in the same building , and see if he could identify me . Andrzej soon came into the room , already in his pajama top , and they asked him if he knew me . He gave me a look of reproof and said , " Yeah , I know him . He 's a native boy . " Then he turned his gaze away from me , and said after a short pause , " He 's alright . " From that point on , Eva took care of me . She took me to her room that she shared with two other girls on the second floor . They were already in bed asleep or pretending to be asleep when we came in . She probably explained why I left later , but I don 't remember that now . The point is that she was telling the truth all along , and my breaking into the building made sense . I was coming for a date , came late , the front door was locked , so I broke the window , slipped my hand inside , unlocked the door and went inside . Then , as she already guessed , I mistook the floors and went to the third instead of the second one , went or broke into someone 's room , and was caught by those guys who , as Eva explained , were from the same tourist group as she . They were having some kind of youth convention of socialist students . " Oh , it must be about that broken glass , " I concluded . " What 's the big deal ? I 'll fix it or pay the janitor of the building to do it . " With that nonchalant attitude , I got ready to go to the main office . Before I left , Eva asked me to come back afterward . She lured me with the knowledge that her roommates were gone for the entire day on an excursion and we would have the room to ourselves . I promised her to return and then went to the main office . To get to the main building , I walked through the main street , which was like a promenade for tourists . It was already fairly crowded . People were parading in the sun , taking advantage of the good weather . It was really a lovely day but it was only painful to me because I had a heavy hangover . I felt like a blind moth and could barely keep my eyes open in the bright sunlight . As we entered , Peter excitedly blurted out that I didn 't remember anything . In the office were three people : the main manager , who was Peter 's mother ; the main accountant , who happened to be the mother of Richard , the other friend of mine who was partying with me at the Golden Horn the previous night ; and Andrzej , the ski instructor who intervened on my behalf the night before . All three of them looked at me with grave concern . Peter 's mother shook her head and asked me , " What have you done ? " I didn 't know what to answer but Peter jumped in , " He pissed on the communist 's table , that 's what he 's done . He gave them a golden shower . He pissed all over their table , peed on their plates , into their drinks , and splashed all over those pigs . Oh they were shocked , jumping away from the table to avoid getting wet , " he laughed half insanely and was about to go on when his mother cried , " Stop it , Peter , stop it . Cut it out . " " Not really , " I said . But in that moment something came to me , so I told them , " Wait , I recall a moment when I was leaving the restaurant . Anna , the bartender , was holding me by the hand and leading me through the crowd of agitated people toward the exit . ' Get out , get out , quickly , ' she was saying , ' run away , run away . ' Some other people were helping her to lead me out of the restaurant . Then , then , I don 't remember what happened next . " " It 's hard to say . People were dancing , it was crowded , the lights were turned down . I would say only one hundred people saw it , " Peter could not help joking . " Krzysztof , " Ms . Barbara turned to me , " it would be better if you disappeared for a while , at least until the end of this tourist turnout . The police are looking for you in town . It would be better that you weren 't in people 's eyes . Do you understand ? " she asked me . " Yeah , I do , " I said . But I didn 't really have a grasp of the scope of events . I did not fully realize what had happened and its possible consequences . It all seemed a little bit surreal , partly in a drunken fog . I don 't recall staying with Eva long . I went back only to say goodbye . Then I went into hiding for a while as my friends advised me . The police never found out who took a piss on the table of the prominent communists in the Golden Horn . However , I don 't know how hard they looked for me . Whatever , the fact is that no one ever ratted on me , even though , as I found out later , all the people in town knew about it . I became a sort of folk hero who dared to stand up to the communists . But does it really count ? Can someone become a hero as a result of a deed done unconsciously in a drunken stupor ? Well , I did . Still , whenever I recall what I did , I just feel embarrassed . It all went awry since the beginning of the day . I was walking from the dormitory to the school , as usual , a few minutes before eight am . The dormitory and the school were located in the same building , so all I had to do was go around the corner and walk one hundred yards to the main entrance of the school . On the way I met my friends , Gats , Wrobel , and Bogdan . They were standing under the school brick wall and were smiling sort of mischievously while looking at me approaching . I sensed that they were up to something , something bad most likely . " Hi ! " I greeted them . " Hi , hi Crystal , " they greeted me back and laughed . " What are you guys up to that you have so much fun this early in the morning , hmm ? " I asked them trying to get to their spirit . " Nothing , nothing , " they said , but laughed even harder while exchanging knowing gazes . " What , what is going on with you guys ? " I asked but they did not answer . Only when I waived my hand dismissively at them and turned away , saying at the same time , " O . K . I give up on you guys , I am going , " did Wrobel shout after me , " Hey Crystal , the teachers are checking emblems and hair at the entrance , they will not let you in . " " What ? " I asked turning back toward them . " Yes , Crystal , yes , " they all confirmed now being more serious . " I have my emblem , " I said and pulled the school emblem out of my pocket and attached it to the sleeve of my uniform with pins . " Good luck , " Gats said ironically , doubting that I would pass the entrance with the emblem pinned on instead of stitched onto the uniform as was obligatory . " What about you guys , don 't you go to school today ? " I asked . " You bet , " Bogdan said somehow firmly . " We are going on a wag . " " Oh , " I responded somehow being or pretending to be impressed . " Do you want to go with us ? " Gats asked . " No , " I said , " I haven 't planned that for today , " I excused myself with somewhat of a lie since I had never played hooky before . " But you guys have fun , " I said . " All righAt the school entrance , one of the teachers there stopped me and checked my appearance . He looked at my hair and said , " Your hair is too long . " " My hair is short , " I argued , " It doesn 't even reach my collar . " " Hair is supposed to be cut four fingers above the collar , " the teacher said . Then he checked my emblem , noticed that it was attached on with the pins , pulled it off and said , " Your emblem is falling off . " " It was pinned on , " I said . " It supposed to be stitched onto the uniform , " the teacher said . " What difference does it make whether it is pined or stitched , it appears the same , " I argued . But the teacher didn 't want to argue with me . He said , " Go get yourself a haircut and stitch the emblem onto your uniform properly . " " But , " I tried to protest . " End of discussion ! " the teacher cut me off abruptly . So I went away wondering , " Why are the school authorities suddenly so strict about the students ' appearances ? " At that time I didn 't know , now I know . It was 1968 , and student rioting was already taking place all around the country . The school authorities were imposing strict discipline for precaution , and any young man with long hair was an enemy of the state . For them I , or rather my appearance , was an enemy of the state . As I said , I didn 't know that at that time . However , the fact I was not allowed on the school grounds because of my appearance and the rude manners of the teacher pissed me off . I felt a mixture of anger and embarrassment . I felt offended . I felt I had been let down . Still , I had an option to get into the school through the back door of the basement , but I didn 't . I didn 't feel like sneaking into the building on the sly . My other option was to do as the teacher said : to get myself a haircut and to stitch the emblem onto the sleeve of my uniform . I didn 't even consider that option . It was below the level of my self - esteem . The third option was to go for a wag with my friends and that was what I did . I played hooky that day the firSo I went back to my friends and said , " They didn 't let me in . " " Go through the basement , " Gats said . " I know , " I responded somehow frustrated , " I will not go through the basement , fuck them . " It became clear and was assumed without more words that I would go with them for a wag . " Let 's go guys , " Bogdan said . And we went . First we went to the liquor store to pick up some booze . The liquor store was on Kraszewski St . , fifteen - twenty minutes walking distance from the school . But the store opened at nine am . So we had an hour to kill . We walked slowly , shuffling our feet . Gats was amusing himself by spitting on peoples ' coats from behind . Bogdan joined him . They were sort of competing about who could produce more saliva and hits the target better . Wrobel tried to join them , but he gave it up quickly , not being able to produce either enough saliva or to get it well to the target . Obviously he had no heart for it . But Gats and Bogdan were getting into it obsessively , spitting on people with sick pleasure . It was performed as a boyish prank but done with scornful attitude . I did not participate in that game . I was disgusted . We must have really walked slowly because when we got to the liquor store it was already open . We stopped near by and pooled our money together for the booze . We collected one hundred and six sloty , enough for two bottles of vodka . But Bogdan said , " It is not enough . We need three bottles . " Bogdan and I gave our shares . Wrobel had no money at all so we exempted him . Gats had money but he had to pay for the dormitory . So he said , " I can 't spent more , guys , I don 't have any extra except to pay for the dormitory . " " Come on , Gats , " said Bogdan , " you will pay later . " " I can 't , " Gats said , " I 've already spent my dormitory rent money twice this month . " We believed him . Gats used to spend his rent money for booze each month but his mother always gave him money again , in secret from his father . Yet Bogdan was insisting , " We need three bottles . " " We can 't , " I said , " Two is alright with me . " " It sucks , " Bogdan said , " I thought we were clear on that . " " Shit , " Gats said , " I 'll give you the money , what the heck . " He pulled out a pile of money from his pocket and gave a few bills for his share to Bogdan . " Good , it is set , " Bogdan said . " Who is going to get the booze ? Wroble asked . " I will go , " Gats said , " I look the oldest . " " No , you don 't , " Wrobel said . " I will go , " Bogdan said decisively . " Why you ? " Gats was protesting . " Because I am the oldest one and I have an id , " Bogdan responded . We didn 't know that at that time . Bogdan was a new comer to our school . He was a disciplinary case transferred from Ziebice for bad behavior . So , we accepted his offer to go and buy the liquor . The rest of us were minors : Gats and Vrobel were seventeen and I was sixteen years old . While Bogdan went to the liquor store , we waited around the corner so as not to cause any suspicion . He came back shortly carrying three bottles of vodka in his hands . While he was approaching us , he stopped half way and said , " You know what guys , you are minors . You should not drink this hideous stuff , so I am throwing it away . " And in that moment , he threw all three bottles high into the air . We all screamed in despair , " Ooh , no ! " But , amazingly , he caught all three bottles one by one into his hands and started juggling with them . We were astonished . He was juggling those bottles with utter skill and confidence as if he were a professional circus juggler . We were impressed , yet he was juggling with our bottles of vodka , so we were also afraid that he would drop the bottles and spill the precious liquor on the ground . So when he stopped juggling , gracefully catching all three bottles , we were relieved , but not for long . Bogdan once again threw the bottles into the air and continued to juggle them . He kept doing that a few times , till , in the moment of his third juggling interval , we jumped on him and took the bottles away , advising him jokingly to juggle with sticks or stones instead . We were not angry with him by any means . He impressed us with his juggling show and we admired him . We went to drink vodka outside the town on the bank of the Nysa river . We walked along the river on a narrow dirt path a few miles and stopped where there were vast low marshy meadows . It was a deserted area , a good spot for truants . We felt safe there that no one , in particular the police , would bother us . We hung over there the whole day , till evening . Nothing extraordinary was happening . We were just killing time drinking vodka , playing cards , first poker then bridge , and then , when we got drunk , doing macho sporty stunts . Only after we drunk the last round of vodka , we headed back toward the town . It was already dark . We were getting very hungry . The few sandwiches we had brought with us we had eaten hours ago . We walked quickly almost hurriedly . We were in very good spirits - vodka was well boozing in our heads and our bodies were still excited by the fun games we had played on the bank of the Nysa river . However , the closer we were getting to the town , the less spirited we became . It was probably because we were getting sober and dry , and because our wag was coming to the end , and because we were approaching the town , the place of our dreary school and dorm - the place of restriction . By the time we reached the outskirts of the town , we were gloomy . And the gloominess grew on us the farther to the town we went . It was unbearable , as if we were going back to prison . And when we were in this gloomy mood , Gats spotted an old woman pushing a cart with vegetables through the small city square . She seemed to be coming back from the market . At one moment , the old woman stopped and bent over her cart arranging something in it . Gats spotted her and said , " Look guys what an enormous ass she has . " Then suddenly he ran toward her as fast as he could and kicked her in the ass with his full force . The poor woman fell into the cart with her face into the vegetables . She was not able to get herself out - her legs were kicking hopelessly and grotesquely into the air . At first she did not scream , probably being flabbergasted or because her face was in the vegetables , but then , a few moments later , she screamed with utter outrage , " Hooligans , hooligans , bandits , oo , Mother Mary , help , help ! " and so on . " We cleared out , running away and laughing . We all thought it was hysterically funny . Taken by surprise , as the poor woman was , we were not able to stop laughing . Later on , when we were having Russian pierogi for dinner in the Milk Bar , we asked Gats why he had done that . He said , " I don 't know . I did not intend to . I just saw her ass and could not resist kicking it . I could not help myself . " We all were saying that it was not cool to kick an old woman in the ass , but at the same time we were not able to stop laughing . This incident jazzed us up . Our good spirits were back . We didn 't feel like going home . We were ready for action . " Let 's go to Ratuszowa , " Gats said . We looked at him and nodded our heads skeptically " Yeah , sure . " Ratuszowa was a nightclub in the market square in the center of town , rather expensive . We had no money left . " What the heck , " Gats said joyously , " I have money , guys . Let 's go and drink it away . Let 's drink up every single penny of my money for the dormitory rent . " And he laughed , and we laughed . " How are you going to pay for the dormitory rent ? " Wrobel voiced his concern . " I don 't know , " said Gats and laughed again . " He doesn 't know , " said Bogdan and laughed as well . " Do you know , Wrobel , how Gats is going to pay for the dormitory rent ? " I asked and laughed . " I don 't know , " said Wrobel and shrugged his shoulder , " I am just voicing my concern that … . " " Shut up , Wrobel , " Bogdan cut him off abruptly . " Shut up , Wrobel , " I said . " Shut your trap ! Wrobel , " Gats shouted , " and let 's go ! " " Let 's go ! " we said . And so we went . We came to Ratuszowa sometime after eight pm . The restaurant was three fourths filled with people ; the bar was packed . The decadent warmth of adult debauchery and lust was oozing in the rooms . We got excited but behaved cool , in our conviction as adults , not letting our immaturity to show . After all , with the exception of Bogdan , we were minors - we didn 't want to cause suspicion , we didn 't want to be found out . But no one cared to check our ids . We got in without any problems , took a table in the dancing room , and ordered drinks . Everything looked as if we were going to have a good time . Our table was set with drinks , our imaginations tempted by the sluttish women hanging around , the prospect to get laid this evening on our minds . But that was as far as it went . Gats went to the bar for a drink with one of the musician whom he knew and spotted Gnidacewicz , a teacher from our school . Gats quickly backed up and returned to our table . He said , " Gnidacewicz is in the bar , we have to flee . " Wrobel jerked in the chair , getting ready to run . " " Cool down Wrobel , " said Bogdan and grabbed Wrobel 's forearm , bringing him to standstill , " Don 't rush , there 's not reason to panic . " Then he turned to Gats and asked him , " Has Gnidacewicz seen you ? " " I don 't know , " said Gats , " but I don 't think so . " " Alright , " said Bogdan , " let 's split one by one . " " Crystal will go first , " Bogdan said , " Gats and Wrobel next , and I will go last . " We snuck out of the club , seemingly unnoticed . There was no other place to go . We just wandered a little bit around the empty streets and then slowly headed toward the dormitory . On the way , while passing through the old town , we stopped in front of a curiosity shop window on Mularska Street . We looked through the window which was poorly lid but bright enough to see the displayed merchandise . Our attention was attracted to a hunter 's knife . Wrobel first noticed the knife and said , " I would like to have that hunter 's knife . " " Where do you see it ? " Gats asked intrigued . " Over there , in the right lower corner , " Wrobel answered slightly indicating the knife with his chin . Gats recognized the location of the knife and exclaimed , " Wow ! " Bogdan and I too were looking at the knife . It was a very fancy knife with a decorative horned handgrip and an impressively curved serrated blade , displayed next to a dark brown leather sheath . " One hundred twenty seven zlotys ! " Wrobel exclaimed while reading the price tag attached to the knife and whistled with amazement . " You can 't have it , Wrobel , " Gats said and added bluntly , " You can 't afford it . " " We can break a window and take the knife , " Bogdan calmly said . " " Sure , we can , " Gats reverberated sardonically , " no one is around here but us . " " Would you break the window ? " Wrobel asked Gats teasingly . " Would you ? " Gats responded defensively . " I would , " Bogdan said . " Why don 't you then ? " Wrobel said . " It 's you who wants the knife , " Bogdan responded . While they kept teasing and instigating each other relentlessly , I was getting pissed off at them . I felt a rage was growing in me . I don 't know exactly why , maybe because they were tempted to steal and were sheepish at the same time . It angered and embarrassed me . " Do you really want the knife , Wrobel ? " I asked him willfully . " Sure , I do , " answered Wrobel . " Good , " I said and broke the window by punching at the glass with my bare fist . I didn 't punch at the front but the side glass window , choosing " Here is you knife , " I said to Wrobel and handed it toward him . " I don 't want this knife , " Wrobel said raising his hands up in a gesture both of refusing and giving up . " What happened to your hand ? " Bogdan asked . Only then and there did I notice that my hand was bleeding heavily . " I don 't know , " I said being surprised myself with the bloody picture . " Put that damn knife on the ground , " Bogdan said with a downward waiving hand motion . I put the knife on the ground . My friends gathered around me and looked at my hand . I had badly injured the knuckle of my index finger of my right hand . The skin was cut wide open , the meat shredded , the knuckle bone exposed bare naked , and blood gushed profusely from the wound . " Shit ! Crystal , " Gats exclaimed through his teeth and said , " it is really fucked . " " Do you have a handkerchief ? " I asked somehow calmly not yet realizing the seriousness of my injury since I did not feel any pain . Gats offered a white handkerchief and I wrapped it around my finger but the handkerchief became red with blood in an instant . " It will not do , " Bogdan said . " Go to the emergency room , Crystal , " Gats said . " Jesus ! " Wrobel whizzed impatiently and said nothing . " I can 't go to the emergency room now , " I said refusing , knowing that if I were to go I would be submitted to a police investigation besides of medical treatment . " You have to stop the blood right now , " Gats said with concern . " This wound looks terrible . It looks to me as if you need surgery and a few stitches , " he added . " No , no , " I protested , " its not so bad . Don 't worry about me . It is just a minor injury . Disinfecting with hydrogen peroxide and wrapping it up in bandages will do . " " I don 't think so , " Gats voiced his doubt . But I insisted on not going to the emergency room and said , " I will wait till tomorrow , if the wound worsens , I will go to the doctor . " It seemed the best solution under the circumstance . " That 's a good idea , " Bogdan said . The others acIt wasn 't until then that Bogdan picked up the knife from the ground , wiped the blood off it with the sleeve of my shirt that hung loose from my wrapped hand , looked at the knife demonstratively and said , " good piece of work . " Then he slipped the knife into his pocket casually as if it belonged to him and said , " Let 's go guys and no word about this to anyone . " We went into the dorm on the sly through the window on the second floor . It was our secret entrance that no one suspected because the window was fifteen feet above the ground . We were entering through there on ten feet long board bridged between the fence wall and the windowsill . We climbed the wall , set up the board , and crossed it one by one . Now it seems to be a very dangerous operation , risking falling off the maybe wobbly board suspended fifteen feet above the cement ground . But back then , to pass over that board was a piece of cake for us . In the dorm , I took care of my wound . Gats was assisting me . He brought bandages and hydrogen peroxide . In the bathroom , I washed and disinfected the wounded knuckle ; Gats bandaged my hand . We managed to stop the bleeding . " It doesn 't look so bad anymore , " I said to Gats reassuringly . " No , it doesn 't , " Gats said and smiled at me with a smirk as if to say that we had made it . " O . K . lets go to bed , " he said and quickly grabbed the bottle with hydrogen peroxide and extra bandages , then stuck them into my pocket saying , " Take them for later on . " Then we split and went to bed . When I lay in bed , my hand begun to hurt , first mildly and then unbearably . I was not able to sleep the entire night out of pain . Yet I withstood both the pain and sleeplessness , and in the morning I got up from bed and got ready for school . That day I went to school as usual . There was no checkpoint at the main entrance . Anyway , if there were I would get in through the basement . Students from my class were asking what happened to my hand . I told them that I had injured myself in a workshop . During lounge break , we all four were called to the principal 's office . We went there expecting the worst . I even considered not going and to drop out of school for good . But I gave up that idea since it would not be fair to my friends . I had stolen the knife and decided to take all the blame on myself . While waiting at the door of the principal 's office , I said to my friends , " Don 't worry , guys , I will take the whole blame on me . " Then the door opened and we were called in . In the room was the principal and Gnidacewicz , the teacher we spotted in Ratuszowa the night before . " What have you been doing in Ratuszowa late at night ? " the principal asked us . " We stopped over there just for a moment to get sodas since every thing else was already closed , " Gats lied on the spot . " You were drinking hard liquor and smoking cigarettes , " said Gnidacewicz matter of fact . " Don 't lie fellows , it only makes your situation worse , " the principal said . We admitted drinking and smoking in Ratuszowa . As punishment , we were put on probation for one quarter . I could not help myself and went to the place of my crime during the same day in the late afternoon . I stood on the front of the curiosity shop window in the same place as the night before . The broken glass was replaced with a piece of plywood . I looked at the spot in the window where the knife had been displayed the previous night . The spot was empty but the knife 's dark brown sheath was still there . " Why didn 't I take the sheath ? " slipped through my mind mischievously only to become ashamed for my thoughts a moment later . I suddenly felt like a thief and it felt awful . " I am not a thief , " I was arguing with myself , " I never stole anything before . " " I stole the knife last night , " an involuntary voice was saying contradictorily in my head , " I am a thief . " I started to regret my act . " What the hell did I do it for ? " I was beating myself with thoughts , " Just to impress my friends ? Or to prove something ? To prove what ? That I am tough or mad as hell ? " And yet when I was committing the crime at night , it seemed like the right thing to do under the circumstance . I was compelled to do it on the spur of the moment and I did it . I did not calculate why and for what I was doing it . Apparently an evil impulse took me over and I did it . Yet , a day later I was tormenting myself with guilt . I wished to undo my crime , but to no avail . What is done is done . I could only lessen the consequences by giving the knife back to the shopkeeper and paying for the broken window . So conscience stricken I went to Bogdan and asked him to give me the knife back . Bogdan was surprised but in his usual calm voice he said , " I thought that you gave me this knife . " " No Bogdan , I said , " I gave the knife to Wrobel but he didn 't want it so you took it . " " Does he wants the knife now or do you want it for yourself ? " Bogdan asked . " No , no , no Bogdan , " I protested , " No such thing , what do you take me for ? " " I want to give the knife back to the shop - keeper , " I explained and was flabbergasted with my own words realizing the absurdity of my intendment . Bogdan looked at me firmly and said nothing , waiting for further explanation . " And I am going to pay for the broken window , " I said flounderingly . I felt I was blushing , as if I revealed a shameful secret to him . Bogdan turned his eyes away from me , made a few slow but firm steps , and standing with his back to me said , " I don 't have this knife any more . I have gotten rid of it . " I didn 't ask Bogdan how he got rid of the knife , and he did not bother to explain it on his own . He just was standing there with his back to me in silence , and I was waiting wondering whether he was telling the truth or lying . Whatever , one thing was clear to me that he was not going to give me the knife back , and consequently , I was not going to give this knife back to the shopkeeper . Finally I said breaking the silence , " that 's alright Bogdan , forget about it , " and I went away . When I was leaving , Bogdan called after me , " Crystal , don 't do anything stupid , alright ? " " Alright , " I said and left the room . I never went to the doctor to take care of my injured knuckle . I took care of the wound myself . It healed up alright . Only a small zigzag like scar remains on my knuckle until this day . The first time I saw the sea I was already fourteen years old . It was when I was at summer camp in Gdynia , a renowned resort on the Baltic Sea . Our camp was located a mile or two away from the seashore , so to get to the beach we had to walk for about forty minutes , walking slowly because there were kids of various ages between seven and fourteen and the youngest ones lagged behind . We walked on a dirt road , first through a pine forest that grew on the sandy soil and was beaten up by the north winds . The trees were tall but the growth on their branches was so thin that I could see the light on the other side of the forest . Then we walked through the meadows that were partly covered in sand and partly in growth - poor but beautiful . There were some tufts of uncut grass and clumps of blueberry bushes . Then the terrain became more hilly and gradually transformed into the dunes . While approaching one of the dunes , a slice of the sea suddenly appeared on the horizon . I kept walking a short ways on the rather flat top of the dune until the whole vastness of the sea came into my view . Then I stopped there arrested by its beauty . In a first impression there is everything and more , and that was how I felt there looking at the sea . It was enormous and open and seemed limitless . It stirred my imagination to reach beyond the horizon - it was like an invitation for an adventure , no doubt to unknown lands waiting for me to discover . While I was standing there spellbound by the view and day - dreaming of faraway lands , the other kids were screaming with excitement and ran forth as fast as they could to get to the sea first . They were passing by me in close proximity disturbing my meditation , but soon I yielded to their wild spirit and also ran like crazy down the road toward the beach . When we reached the sea , we jumped up and down on the beach and screamed , " Hurrahs and wows ! " Then our initial excitement cooled down and we settled on the beach , some of us on blankets , others on the sand . We were waiting for the sun to come out . We looked up , throwing gazes at the cloudy sky with both expectation and skepticism in turns , for it was hard to say how the weather was going to turn . As is typical by the Baltic Sea , it was hard to figure out whether it was too cold or warm enough to take your clothes off , even more so , to go swimming . So we were hanging there , playing and wishing for better weather . Some kids got partly undressed . A few teenage girls even went down to their bikinis . I am sure just to seduce me , for there was no other reason ; I swore I saw goose bumps on their skin . Nevertheless , the naked girls were the exception , for the most the kids stayed fully dressed . The boys started a teasing game daring each other to go for a swim in the cold water of the sea . I heard instigating voices , " Let 's go swimming , " someone said . " Let 's go , " someone else followed , but no one moved . " Are you afraid of the cold water ? " someone else teased . " No , I 'm not ! Are you ? " was the response . " No , I am not ! " " Really ? " " Yes , really . " " So let 's go ! " " You go ! " " I will go ! " " We will see . " " You go first , " and so on . In response the kids teased me as they did the others , " Oh yeah , we will see what kind of hero you are . " But unlike the others , I pulled it through . I took off my clothes and went to the sea . Well , the kids found it funny too and they laughed at me again , though it was not funny to me , but rather derisive - I felt humiliated but also provoked . I was not going to bend , my stubborn if not wayward nature showed up , and I decided to swim despite being forbidden . I said to Edward , " It 's not much of an explanation , is it ? " I looked around . She was almost right , but in the distance I spotted a few bathers . I pointed them out to her and said , " There people are bathing , do you see them ? " The sun never came out that day , and we did not bathe or swim . In fact , the weather became horrible , there appeared chilly gusts of wind and heavy clouds gathered in the sky , threatening to rain . The guardians grew concerned and cut short our stay at the beach . Hurriedly we went back to the camp . Everyday between four and six p . m . we took a nap . It was obligatory for all kids - which was fine , I bet , for the younger kids , some of them as young as seven , for they naturally need to sleep during the day , but for the older kids , the oldest like me were fourteen , it was a drag . It was unnatural . We didn 't need to sleep during the day . Absurdly enough , regardless of the age , we had to stay in our beds and keep quiet for two hours . During those late afternoon naps , Lisa used to come occasionally to my bedroom that I shared with twelve other boys , and sit on the edge of my bed . She placed her hand over my body , leaned forward above me , and then she talked with me in whispers . I don 't remember much of those conversations , they were small talks . She asked me about where I was from , my parents , friends , and whatever came to her mind . It did not matter . What mattered was that her shapely firm breasts were right in front of my face and the ends of her long red hair were occasionally touching and skimming my skin , invoking all sorts of sexual sensations that she seemed or pretended not to be aware off . I had to pretend too , lying there unnaturally stiffened , thinking of nothing else but to roll her over and have sex with her ( but how ? ) . The question was what she was thinking doing that to a fourteen year old boy ? Flirting ? Seducing ? I had no way of knowing for sure , for her manner of behavior was ambiguous . But my roommates seemed to know for certain . When she left the room , they immediately awoke from their pretended sleep and had a lot to say , such as , " O man , wow , she is after you , etc . " Edward , our guardian , was a student at the Sport Academy and liked sporting . One day while we were playing on the meadows nearby our camp , he wrestled with the boys for fun . He let the boys come at him in groups of five or more , and then he was throwing them around on the ground . Although there were many of them , it was easy for him to beat them , for they were just kids , while he was a powerful well - trained athlete . I don 't remember how it happened , but seeing him indulging in his victories over the kids , the two strongest boys challenged him to a wrestling match , or maybe it was the opposite way around and Edward , seeing the boys passively sitting and watching , challenged them to a match . One of those boys was me , the other , Kaczorowski , a boy from a foster home . We wrestled and took Edward down , and then immobilized him in wrestling grips on the ground . The kids reacted with euphoria , cheering and clapping their hands . Our victory was obvious ; Edward was powerless in our grips . Assuming the fright was over , Kaczorowski and I loosened our grips and let Edward go . But the moment he regained his freedom of movement , he began to push and kick us . Kaczorowski jumped out of his reach , but I was still entangled with Edward and suddenly found myself under his legs being kicked furiously . For some incomprehensive reason he still tried to prove that he had won the match - it turned ugly , he lost his temper and became viciously aggressive . Finally , I managed to disentangle myself from his legs and pulled away , but Edward still could not help himself and kicked the ground a few more times in desperation , evidently loosing self - control . It took us all by surprise , so we backed off . The cheers , shouts and clapping suddenly died out and in contrast , an ominous silence took over . The boys looked at each other with embarrassment and then turned away and dispersed . Lisa was there too and had seen the whole thing . I noticed that she was deeply disturbed by it . She said something to Edward , but I was already too far away from A day or two later , Lisa came to my bedroom during our afternoon nap . She approached my bed and said in a lowered voice so as not to wake the other boys , " Krzysztof , get up and get dressed , quickly . " " Aha , " I said in recognition . " Come on , " she hurried me up , " there is a big mess in the kitchen . They had to change the supper menu because the delivery guy didn 't come . He got lost or something . And one cook quit . They 're in a panic . No one to go shopping , so I offered . " So I got dressed and went shopping with her to the public market in Gdynia that was about two miles away . We walked on the dirt road through an uninhabited area . Some of it was the same road we used to take to the beach . Lisa was playful and seductive . She held my hand and we grew attracted to each other . On the way back , we stopped to rest . We went there and sat down . She sat very close to me and put her hand around me the same way she used to in the bedroom . This time we were alone , with no boys around us , and there was no ambiguity any more . We embraced and kissed and I touched her body , here and there , the intimate parts . She was allowing me to touch her , in fact provoking , then withdrawing with laughter saying , " We cannot do that , " and " They 're waiting for us , we have to go back . " But we did not go . We got hot and passionate and pulled our clothes off . Then I heard her saying , " No , no , no . " But it was too late to stop - I had already pulled her toward my body and suddenly penetrated her . She heaved a sigh and moaned , then arched her body back and forth repeatedly in spasmodic movements , finally clinging to me in a wet embrace . When we were done , she was crying . " No , no , ' she denied , " Nothing is wrong . " Then when I wanted to go at it a second time , she looked at her watch and said , " O my god , it is already about six . We have to rush . The first tour is about to have supper and the cooks still don 't have their herbs . " Saying this she quickly put her panties on , stood up , shook the sand off her clothes and then we hurriedly headed back . In those few days left , I saw her often with Mr . Edward , somehow closer then ever . When it so happened that she encountered me in public , she casually exchanged a few words with me as if nothing had ever happened between us . I knew that we had crossed the line and our love - sex affair had no chance to flourish . It was just a summer adventure . " That you are so young , " she said . ( I said nothing to that but I didn 't think her too old , she was only nineteen . ) Then she leaned closer to my ear and said , " But I don 't regret what happened . " I did not answer her , though I had no doubt that I did not regret it either . " Do you hear me ? " she asked me . One of the boys from that group had an unnaturally large head . The rumor was that it was due to a some kind of syndrome such as water on the brain , but no one really knew for sure , for the medical diagnoses about these kind of syndromes were not so precise at that time , that time being the mid - sixties . However , the boy was noticeably slow and heavy minded , one might have thought that he was retarded . His nickname was Globus , obviously due to the hugeness of his head . However , in shape his head was rather more like a huge egg than a globe . It was abnormally elongated backward and looked surreal , like the egg - shaped people from a Salvador Dali painting . Once in history class I was sitting directly behind Globus when the teacher called on him to hear his lesson . Globus stood up reluctantly , and the teacher started to ask him questions but Globus was , as usual , not ready to answer . He just stood there silent as a mute and cast his eyes down as if he were either humiliated or resentful or both . So I took pity on him and prompted him , whispering the answers behind his back . He heard me perfectly well and repeated aloud after me word for word . The teacher was impressed with his knowledge and gave him a very good grade . After the class was over , however , Globus attacked me furiously on the school playground . It came from nowhere . Suddenly I saw him at a distance of twenty five to thirty yards emerging from a crowd of pupils and running aggressively toward me . He looked mad as hell . He was clenching his fists and shaking them threateningly ; and he was screaming and roaring as a beast . This only enraged him more , so he turned around and charged at me again , punching and kicking furiously . I managed to block or avoid almost all of his blows because I was faster than he . Yet he was going at me relentlessly , and I had no chance to stand up to him because he was bigger and seemed to be stronger than me . At least I thought he was stronger because he was one or two years older than me , even though we were in the same grade . Fortunately , Globus did not pass to the sixth grate ; so he was not in my class any more and I did not have to deal with him on a daily basis . Initially , I thought that I had him off my back for good but it proved not to be so . He still was in the school repeating the fifth grade , and though his and my classrooms were located in different wings of the building , and our paths did not have to cross , he made an effort on many occasions to find me either on the playground or in the front of the main gate and to harass me . I don 't know why Globus hated me so much . He never told me . I guess he didn 't know himself . His hate was not rationally motivated but came from his guts . Whenever he saw me or even thought about me , he was getting madly stirred up with hate and anger , and then he was compelled by only one desire : to beat me up . For what ? I guess , in his view , I was guilty for his shortcomings . I was for him as a distorting mirror in which he saw only his own mental deficiencies . So he wanted to smash that mirror . On my part , I did not hate him . I was above that . I was not able to hate that miserable creature but rather felt a sort of embarrassment that someone low like he hated me so much . I wanted him to like me and admire me for my mental superiority . But instead , I had to feel ashamed that I was smarter than he was or rather , because he was dumber than me . Life is not just , people are not equally endowed in the same qualities . I was smarter and Globus was stronger . But he was not able or willing to come to terms with it . And he kept attacking me , and I kept running away to save my ass . It went on like this for about a year . But then I had enough of running . It was not good for my morale , and even worse I appeared as a coward and was losing popularity among friends . So one time I stood up to Globus when he attacked me at the main school gate . He barred my way and pushed me , not letting me pass through . But I pushed him back and we started to fight . The boys immediately flocked around in a crowded circle and instigated us to fight . Globus threw a punch at me but I blocked it and punched him back . Wow , he became furious and struck me with a series of wild punches . But I stood up to him punching him back . My punches were more precise and effective than his . I heard a single voice saying , " When Globus stands up he is going to kill him . " But he was not able to get up , I held him firm rolling and smearing him in the horse shit . I felt him grow weaker in my grip and it became easier for me to keep him down . My only concern was not to smear myself in the horseshit , so I made sure not to touch the ground . But I am not certain that she said that or something else or nothing else at all . Perhaps I did not pay attention to her words because I was happy that she let us off the hook . Eager to get lost , Globus and I immediately left the principal 's office . Once I fell in love with identical twin sisters , Inna and Nina , and was not able to make a choice about which one I preferred . The feeling was mutual , the twin sisters fell in love with me too and both of them kept flirting with me . One day they asked me coquettishly , " Which one of us is more beautiful , Nina or Inna ? " and then they were posing themselves seductively for my benefit . They looked at each other and laughed . " It is because we dress alike , " they said in unison . " Come to our house this evening and we will undress for you . You will see which of us you will desire more . The one of us that your desire chooses will become your girlfriend , " they said . " It will be a final test , " they added and asked me , " Are you up to it ? " " So see you then , " they said and departed . When the evening came , I went to the twin sisters ' house . They were waiting for me , both dressed in identical evening dresses . " Follow us , " they said and without much ado they lead me to a large room upstairs . There they asked me to sit in an armchair that was in the middle of the room . Then they undressed and stood stark naked before me , both in the exact same distance from me , one on the right , the other on the left side of the room . " Look at us , " they said in unison , " and choose the one you are attracted to more . " They both had rather large breasts and curvy hips that I found very attractive , but I was hesitating which one to choose since they were identical in size and shape . It was an impossible choice to make since even freckles ( that were plentiful ) were exactly in the same spots and in the same number . So I was sitting there drawn to them both but unable to make a move because the two objects of my desire attracted me with equal force . I never saw them again . Till now I can 't forgive myself for not choosing one of them . I could have said , " I choose you , on the right , or the other , on the left . " It didn 't matter which one ; they were identical , and that was what was confusing . But I learned my lesson . And in case I fall in love with identical twin sisters again and they ask me to choose between them , I will always arbitrarily choose the one on the right . The problem is that thirty - five years has already passed since then and there has not been another occasion - but I am not dead yet , so who knows . Sometime later I read Jean Buridan 's medieval fable about an ass that was not able to make his choice . In the spirit of the philosophical quest of the time about whether choice is preconditioned innately or determined by external circumstances , an ass was subjected to an experiment in which two identical bundles of hay were placed before him at the same distance , one on the right , the other on the left side . The ass was not able to make his mind which bundle of hay he preferred and died of hunger . |
It was January 2nd , 1976 . I was 21 years old and somewhat depressed . I was alone in the big house in Berkeley in which I lived and also housesat when Dr . C ___ and her husband Professor C ____ were away . I had spent the last few days with my family and was angry with them because we seemed to have so little real love for each other , or at least what love there was did not get expressed . That past year , for reasons I didn 't understand at the time , my older brother had gotten a divorce . It seemed to bother me more than it did him . And during the week with my family , there had been some exchanges between my sister and father that were less than loving . She had been talking about some suffering she had experienced . My father , whose family had lost all its wealth because of World War II , and who had been a refugee in an American camp in Austria , said " You don 't know anything about suffering . " He may have been right , but it was the manner in which he said it that bothered me , seemingly discounting anything my sister had experienced . I felt as if people in my family could never be honest with each other . It seemed as if we were not allowed to express our anger or to disagree , especially with my father . The situation seemed hopeless . Even though I didn 't like the way things were in my family , I still hoped to receive love from them and also expected them to fulfill most of my needs for friendship and companionship . I didn 't have many close friends and even with those friends I was afraid to be myself . In short , although it wasn 't the happiest family situation , I was dependent on my family . In a way they were my false god - I depended on them to fulfill most of my needs even though they couldn 't . That night I received a phone call from a young man named Laurie . I had met him twice before on the street , and being naive , had given him my phone number without really getting to know him or what his motives were . I forgot about him almost immediately , but he did not forget me . As the depression weighed on me , I told myself that I should reach out to people more , and moved towards the phone , thinking of calling someone . Just then the phone rang . " Oh , yeah . " " Oh , no , " I thought , " This is some creep trying to bother me . " Out loud I said , " How are you ? " I had to admit he had a point . Besides , all I wanted was to get away . I didn 't want to face my family problems or tell my parents how angry I was at them for the way our family had turned out . I wanted to get away and not think about anything . He got there in about 45 minutes . I was a little scared , but I didn 't let it bother me . I just wanted to get out of that big , lonely house . We arrived at the house , which was located near a church on D ___ Street in B _______ . The porch at the entryway of the house was covered with several dozen pairs of shoes . We removed ours and entered a large room off to one side . There a girl sitting at a table was taking donations . I gave her a dollar . There were a lot of people in the room . I especially noticed a man who seemed to be a bit older than most of the other people . He had a big smile on his face and was leading the singing . I was very impressed by him because he looked so happy . We stood in a circle and sang for a while . I remember how childish I thought it was . There were songs like " You Are My Sunshine , " the kind you would sing at summer camp or elementary school . Then the leader , Jeremiah , told us all to sit down and we would be served our dinner , which consisted of vegetables and rice , no meat . During the dinner people would come around and say how nice my clothes were or compliment me in some other manner . One person named Tom , who I had met before with Laurie , struck me as a little peculiar . I told him I was alone while the boss at my live - in job was away from home , and that being alone depressed me at times . " Yes , " he said , " strange things happen to you when you 're alone too much , " he said with a far - away look in his eyes . " I 'm sure glad I moved in with this group . " After dinner there was a lecture about " The Principle , " which the people who lived there evidently believed in . The speaker said , " Most people don 't use their full potential , only one part of themselves such as heart , mind , or body . " This sounded true enough to me . One idea of " The Principle " was concerned with the use of will power - if you want to change yourself , just do it . " It 's not so easy , " I thought . I looked around to see other people 's reactions to the lecture . Some looked skeptical ; others were listening with rapt attention . I guessed that the people in the latter group were already living there . I told myself I should keep an open mind , although I doubted the ideas . One woman got up and left . I wished that I had the courage to express my skepticism so openly . Next came a slide show picturing the group 's farm in Booneville , California . It was beautiful - green , rolling hills , cows , crops growing , etc . I had always wanted to visit a farm . During the show some pleasant music played , making the scenes seem even more lovely . All during the evening people were paying a lot of attention to me , asking if I wanted more water , more rice , more vegetables . They would touch me or smile at me or look at me in the eyes , lovingly . All this made me feel uncomfortable . After the slide show , people kept asking me if I would like to go up to their farm . The presence of these many people of my own age group was so inviting ( and so was the farm ) that it was hard to resist . I kept thinking that I should stay at home and take care of the C ____ s ' house , but the memory of my boredom and loneliness persuaded me to give in . Immediately I received half a dozen hugs and cries of delight . " Oh , you 'll just love it ! " They took care of everything for me . I didn 't have a sleeping bag , so they let me borrow one . I had to get some things from home , so they drove me to my house . I was really excited . I felt that I was going on an adventure . I thought about calling my mother but felt that she would not let me go , so I didn 't call . I finally got all my things together and also paid $ 18 to Laurie , for food and lodging during the weekend . We got in a van and started our trip to Booneville . There were four people in the van - Jill , Chuck , Laurie , and myself . Jill was to be like a sister to me in the group . She seemed friendly and kind . She told me that my visit to Booneville would be an experience I would not forget . During the trip we sang songs and someone played guitar . We each took turns singing . We also stopped once or twice for gas or food . Since it was so dark I don 't recall what the scenery was like . One song I sang was " The Lord Is My Shepherd . " After I sang that everyone was strangely quiet . I didn 't really think about it at the time . As we started walking , I almost tripped and fell , but Laurie caught me and held my hand . I thought he was very kind but I did not trust him . We crossed a suspension bridge which wobbled and bounced as we walked across it . They told me that the leader of the camp , Noah , had designed and built the bridge . He had been an engineer at one time . Someone held my hand the whole way . Across the bridge was an area surrounded by very bright lights . I didn 't notice much more of the surroundings because Jill and I went right up to a big house trailer and went inside . It was very dark except for a dim light near the entrance . There were people sleeping all over the floor so we had to be careful where we stepped . We finally found and empty space and put our sleeping bags down . A girl named Leslie welcomed me and gave me a back rub . We talked a little about our parents and she said her father used to beat her . I thought that was terrible . It seemed to me that parents had entirely too much power over their children . I didn 't go to sleep for a long time , finding it difficult to breathe with my cold , wondering why I was here , and what was in store for me . The next day we got up about 8 : 30 , awakened by three or four girls singing , whom I did not appreciate at that hour . We put our sleeping bags on shelves and went out to do exercises . I didn 't like the idea of doing exercises in the morning , although I could see that it 's important to keep your body in shape . After the exercises , we ate breakfast outdoors , sitting on blankets on the damp ground . Both men and women were present , as at the exercises . Then we went to an old barn , which they called the " Chicken Palace , " where the men slept at night . It was crowded . I was given a seat in the front , next to Laurie . There was a rock band with big amplifiers and the music was so loud that one had to shout to be heard . There was much singing and clapping , like an old time religious revival meeting . After everyone was excited by the music , there was a lecture by a Dr . M ___ D ____ , a professor at LaneyCollege in Oakland . I guess the fact that he had a doctorate and that he was a professor was supposed to impress us . The lecture was essentially the same as the one we had heard Friday . An incredible part of the day was spent in a game called " Dodge Ball " , but not played as I had learned it as a child . There were two sides , with about 30 people on each side , in an area about 30 by 15 feet marked off by a rope . The team which had the ball would try to hit as many people on the other team as possible . Each team chanted and clapped during the entire game until they were hoarse . They chanted things like " Smash with love , " or " Jump for joy . " Meanwhile they would throw the ball viciously with the apparent intention of hurting someone . I didn 't want to be involved in this so I walked away and pretty soon Leslie followed me and asked , " What 's wrong ? It 's not good to wander off by yourself . " I went back but hid among the bystanders so I wouldn 't have to play . We had more lectures and more food which was most often something vegetarian . By Sunday afternoon I was full of propaganda and didn 't know what to think . People were telling me , " This movement is going to save the world . It 's important that we dedicate our whole lives to it . " Laurie told me , " It would be good if you could stay another week . You 're just a ' spiritual seedling ' and if you leave now you 'll forget everything you 've learned . " I didn 't know what to do . Even though these people seemed peculiar to me , I did enjoy being around people my own age and also being away from home in a rural setting . They finally persuaded me to stay another week . I had to call the C ____ s the next day and tell them I wouldn 't be home . They thought I just needed a vacation and said okay . I called my other boss ( I had a part - time secretarial job in an insurance office ) Mr . H ___ , to tell him I couldn 't come to work for the next week . I also called my parents and told them I was all right . They thought I was just camping out with friends , and I told myself the same half truth . For that next week the daily routine went something like this : up at 8 , awakened by female singers ( whom I inwardly grumbled at ) , clean up , exercise , more clean up , breakfast , lecture , work , singing , lecture , eat lunch , more lecture , work , meditation , singing , lecture , dinner , singing , and lecture . There were some variations in the routine , such as at the Monday breakfast when people were asked to volunteer their life stories . I was too self - conscious to do it but some other people volunteered . It was interesting but quite often distressing . One person said that he had been a drug addict until he had come there but now was not using drugs . Another said that he was a homosexual but that he hoped being there would help him overcome his problem . Sometimes instead of the lecture we would have group sessions of about five or six people . We talked about what we thought of previous lectures , what our thoughts were about God , how we could be better people . At first it all seemed idealistic , but I sensed that something was wrong . It seemed so structured and planned ; there were answers for everything but they were too easy . The only time we were allowed to be alone was during meditation hour . I was puzzled at this exception , since previously I hadn 't been allowed to wander off alone . During this hour we were supposed to pray and not talk to anyone else . I didn 't know how to pray very well but I tried anyway . I felt that God didn 't answer me in any obvious way . If he was talking to me , I couldn 't hear him . At dinner we would talk about what experiences we had during meditation . I never had anything to say and I wondered why other people had experiences such as feeling at peace or close to God . I would try to think of something to say but nothing happened that I felt I could share . The lectures were fascinating in one respect - how humans explain reality to themselves . I wish that I still had my notes . One of the first ideas that we learned was that God had intended Adam and Eve to be the parents of a perfect human race , which at the time sounded plausible to me . But the philosophy went way beyond that into to some bizarre ideas . We were also taught that the reason for man 's fall was that Lucifer was jealous of God 's love for Adam and Eve , and wanting to share in that love , had a sexual relationship with Eve ( through their spiritual bodies ) . So Eve was made impure , or rather the child of that relationship , Cain , was evil because their relationship was evil . Eve realized that she had done wrong and so tried to have sex with Adam as was previously intended . But since Adam and Eve were both immature , it was the wrong time to do this so they made their situation worse . Other ideas were that Jesus failed on earth because He never had children . This is based on the idea that Jesus was the second Adam . His mission ( according to our lecturers ) was to find a perfect mate so the perfect family could finally be established on earth . Since no one understood Jesus , they said , He failed to find a mate and so the Holy Spirit was supposed to be His symbolic mate . According to the Moonie belief , those who believe in Christ can be rescued spiritually but not physically . They must believe in the " Lord of the Second Advent " to be saved both physically and spiritually . To someone who has not been to one of these week - long marathons or to one who is familiar with and believes in the Bible , it may seem incredible that anyone would believe such notions . But a person who is desperate , depressed , or confused may be willing to believe anything if it gives them hope , however false . Looking back at myself and the people I met at the Moonie camp , some of the following factors were involved : a belief that one 's own religious upbringing had not given us adequate answers in how to deal with life ; observing that some of the people who do practice traditional religion don 't live what they preach ; a rebellious spirit - turning to a bizarre religion as a means of revenge towards parents or just as a way to show independence ; and lastly , the appeal of a religion that claims to have a clear , logical answer for everything and so helps one avoid facing painful problems or the uncertain areas of life . My own background had not prepared me to deal with a seemingly disorderly world . Part of me always believed that an all powerful God was in charge , but I didn 't have any answers when the world contradicted this . I was angry that I hadn 't been given the freedom to discover my own answers , but had only memorized someone else 's answers , without being given the reasons why or why not they were good answers . Not having thought out or knowing the reasons for my beliefs made me gullible in the face of the Moonies . This is not to say that all the beliefs I grew up with were wrong , only that I had not learned why they were good . That Friday we had the usual well - attended lecture . Afterwards , we went out to meditate . I was praying to God ( or my idea of God ) , " Please tell me what to do with myself . What do you want me to do for you ? " I 'm not sure that my prayer was really sincere - was I motivated by guilt ? At any rate , nothing seemed to happen . I don 't know what I expected to happen . Perhaps to hear a Voice saying , " You must do such and such . " I felt desperate , wishing I would have some experience of God or what I imagined to be God . Laurie was the person who first introduced me to this group . He stayed with me whenever possible . During lectures he would hold or squeeze my hand in apparent affection . In my blindness , he felt like a father or a very dear brother . The affection was one of the subtle ways that the Moonies used to draw people into their fold . It was flattering and comforting to have a male person paying so much attention to me , especially since at the time my father was not one to openly show his affection . On the farm no sort physical affection beyond hand - holding was ever to be seen , even though practically everyone there was unmarried and under the age of thirty . This I found somewhat unusual but passed it off as part of the " religious atmosphere " . Perhaps people 's sexuality was channeled off in other ways such as to assign an " elder " Moonie ( one who 'd been in the group for several years ) to a " young " one of the opposite sex and use this relationship to make the " young " Moonie dependent on the group . So I had come to see Laurie as my " spiritual father " . I also had a " spiritual mother " named Sally . This arrangement raised doubts within me but I went along with it all , perhaps in unconscious anger towards my parents . All these feelings of dependency , need for affection , need for guidance , and others were whirling into a dramatic vortex when I saw Laurie at the gate . I also had a fantasy that perhaps he loved me and I loved him too . The situation was confused to say the least . " She just wants you to call her back . Look , I have to talk to you about this . You know how important it is what we 're doing here . " " So , I am going to ask you to do something . You have to be very brave . You have to tell her you 're not coming home , that you want to stay here . " " I think you are somebody special . You have progressed faster than almost anybody else I have seen here . That 's why I think you should stay here and give this a chance . If you leave now you will not be strong against the world and you won 't be able to help our cause . " I was very confused . So many thoughts were running through my head - " This is crazy . Is this for real ? What am I doing here ? " " On the other hand , " I thought , " What if he 's right ? What if we are going to save the world ? What if now is the time Jesus is going to come back to earth and we are the people that will be helping Him ? " Then I thought , " Okay , either this is absolute insanity or it 's something real . The worst I can do is to give it a chance . If I find out it 's not real then I can always leave . " Besides , he had flattered me by telling me how special I was , and , I thought , " Wouldn 't it be great to be a hero . " It was all very vain . I don 't believe I was thinking of God very much . I was rather thinking of all the glory and praise I would receive for being brave . He was so happy ! He gave me a big hug and told me I was wonderful . As we walked down the hill , he said , " Now you know what it is to be a saint . " I didn 't believe that and thought there was something wrong with the interpretation . We went into the Chicken Palace and they were starting a big meeting before dinner . There was a lot of singing and then the lecture started . To my best recollection , the subject of the lecture was indemnity , the idea that when you do something wrong you have to pay for it . Although I don 't remember the lecture very clearly , what I do remember is that I kept wondering why I was there and whether it was real . " Tonight while I was meditating I prayed that God would tell me what to do in some concrete way I could understand . Well , I think he is trying to tell me that I should stay here for awhile , just to see what it 's about . " Immediately there was clapping and everyone smiling at me ; some were banging on the table with their forks and knives or other items . This lasted about a minute and finally subsided . It was a bit overwhelming . The feeling of confusion was still with me - I couldn 't be sure whether this was sheer insanity or something real . Later that night one of the leaders gave me a big hug and said , " I love you , " but somehow I didn 't believe her very much . I had just gotten through telling my spiritual mother that sometimes I resented authority very much and that I felt that way towards the leader who had hugged me . Actually , I think I was jealous of her because she seemed very chummy with the male leader of the group , Noah . " Oh , no , this is terrible , " I thought . I looked for some sympathy at the Moonie who was holding my hand , or rather so I could feel justified in what I was doing . " Hey , don 't cry , Mary . I 'm okay . I 'm having fun here . " At the time I didn 't really know that the farm was connected with Rev . Sun Myung Moon . They had never mentioned his name , or maybe only a few times , but I hadn 't made the connection with anything I knew about him . However , my sister had read something about him in the papers and that his organization owned a farm in Booneville . Unbeknownst to me , she had called the Booneville police and tried to find out about the farm . " I love you , too . Hey , I 'm okay . Really , I am . " To myself I said , " At least I think I am . " " I can 't explain what I 'm doing here . But right now it 's very important to me . Please try to understand . Tell mom and dad not to worry . " " Families sure like to worry , " I said to Fred , the guy who had been holding my hand during the conversation . " Well , you know how they are . " He didn 't seem very concerned , while I felt very upset . " She was crying , " I said . " It 's okay , " he said . " Just remember how important what we are doing here is . " We went into the meeting in the Chicken Palace . I was worried about my sister but I got caught up in the lecture and put it in the back of my mind . That whole weekend I was anxious , worried , and scared almost constantly because I had to call my parents , the C ____ s , my other boss ( Mr . H ___ ) , and also someone I was supposed to have an appointment with that coming week . I kept wondering what I was going to say to them and how they would react . To add to the problems , many people were getting diarrhea , apparently from something in the water . It was very uncomfortable for a lot of us . The diarrhea may also have been from what was a change in diet . There wasn 't a lot of meat in the diet , which typically consisted of something like granola , orange juice , and fruit for breakfast ; egg or tuna sandwich , lemonade , and oranges for lunch ; and vegetable casserole , green beans , corn bread , salad and milk for dinner . There was also a practice of sharing food that helped spread germs . It was a regular ritual at meals to give some of your food to the person next to you . This was discontinued when the diarrhea broke out . I think it was the following night that I had to call my parents . Sally , my so - called spiritual mother , came with me to give me " strength " and hold my hand while I was on the phone . I was really scared and I don 't know what possessed me to go through with it . I guess I wanted to feel that I could be separate from my parents and let them know somehow that I didn 't want them running my life . Anyway , Sally said I should not tell them anything specific about what I was doing or the purpose of it , because they would not understand . I had to agree with that . Even I didn 't understand what was going on , but I knew it was something I hadn 't tried before . I dialed the number and then my parents got on the phone , one on each extension . They asked how I was and sounded very worried . I told them not to worry . Then my mother said , " I have something important to talk about . " " Well , you know your father and I are getting on in years and we have been talking for a long time about putting together a will . The thing is that we hired a lawyer to draw it up and she wants everyone in the family to come and sign it . We have an appointment in a few days and you have to be there . " ( I don 't remember then if I believed this story - now it seems obvious it was just a way to get me to come home . ) " Oh , no , " I thought , " this is it . Now I have to tell them I 'm not coming home . " I looked at Sally . " They want me to come home and sign a will . What should I say ? " I whispered . " I can 't come home . I don 't know what to say to you except that what I 'm doing here is very important to me . Please trust me . " They were very upset . My older brother Anton got on the phone and said " You don 't know what you 're talking about . Who are you whispering to behind the phone ? Is someone telling you what to say ? " Finally I hung up after telling everybody not to worry and to please trust me . I felt very queer inside . I guess it was a feeling of guilt , but I didn 't want to admit it because I was supposed to be doing what was right . Sally tried to comfort me and said I was very brave ( stubborn is more like it ) . That night I could not sleep at all . My cold was turning into bronchitis and the only medicine they had was cough medicine which was not effective at all . I had to sit up most of the night because when I lay down I would start to cough . I felt tortured inside , mainly because of the way I had treated my parents . I told myself that I had to stay at Booneville for my ideals , but another part of me was secretly pleased that I was upsetting my parents as a way of revenge for their imagined ( or real ) wrongdoings . Deep down I knew that what I had done was wrong but I could not fully admit this to myself . The next important call I had to make was to the C ____ s . When I talked to Dr . C ____ ( who was a medical doctor ) , I could tell she was upset but she tried not to show it . I told her I would write her a letter and try to explain why I wasn 't coming home . Monday I had to call my boss at the insurance company , Mr . H ____ . He said that he would probably find somebody else to take my place since I would be away so long . I didn 't really care because I had never liked that job . I had no thought for how I might be disrupting his business or how my behavior reflected on the secretarial school that had helped me find a job with Mr . H ____ . It was after making one of these calls that I had a great feeling of exhilaration , which I shared with Laurie . I later thought to myself that it was because I had told Dr . C ____ very firmly but calmly that I would not be coming home for a while . Today we would call that " being assertive . " I had never before in my life been so direct about something that I thought another person would disapprove of . But why did I need a group like the Moonies to help me be assertive ? Why couldn 't I do it on my own ? And , was I doing it responsibly ? That morning I got assigned to a work crew for the apple orchard . While we were working , the crew was supposed to make up a song to present to the whole assembly after lunch . The song was supposed to express how happy we were on the farm and what ideal lives we would all lead eventually . I kept disagreeing with the head of the group about what we should sing . Later on I felt guilty because we were all supposed to cooperate in this thing . I told the leader and she said we all disagree at times and that is okay . I still felt she was a little irked at me anyway . The farm work was done in a primitive manner . I wondered , " Why , if they really want to produce a lot of food , don 't they have machines to do the work we 're doing ? " We had a group of six people all raking up rotten apples from under the trees . I could see a machine doing a much better job much faster . Trying to work on a song at the same time didn 't help matters either . When we had to leave for lunch , I felt like we hadn 't gotten very much work done . Actually , the entire operation was very primitive . After one or two people had taken a shower , the hot water ran out - so we either didn 't wash or washed in cold water . There was some trouble with the one washing machine for a couple of days , so for a while nobody had any clean clothes . The roads were all muddy in the rainy weather . The " Chicken Palace " , where the men had to sleep , was heated only by wood stoves ( this was January , and the temperature can get as low as 16 ° F or less at night ) . The shower that the men had to use was outdoors . I recall being told during the week that my illness was due to demons trying to get me to leave because it was a good place . During lectures when I would have a coughing spell , Sally or Laurie would tell me to chant silently to make it stop . The chanting would work for about 30 seconds and then I would start coughing again . The lectures were somewhat of a repetition of the previous week , about Adam & Eve , Christ , and about Moses and other prophets . Also the lectures explained in detail why people in our group were the only ones who would be saved , and therefore why we must get as many members as possible . The lecturer said that those people who had followed Moses in the past were candidates for heaven , but that they couldn 't enter heaven . They had to wait for Christ , who was to save everybody both spiritually and physically . Those who did " accept Christ " were allowed to be closer to the kingdom of heaven but still could not enter it because of the supposed failure of Christ in the physical sphere ( the failure to bear children ) . Therefore to enter completely into the kingdom of heaven , a person must " accept " the person referred to in the Bible as the Second Coming . Even people who now believe in Christ will not be saved if they do not believe in the " Lord of the Second Advent " ( as the Moonies call him ) , for they are to be compared to the Jews who did not accept Jesus . Sometime that week , my parents called and asked if they could come visit me . I said I would have to ask the person in charge but I was sure it was okay . They asked if they could come that weekend but that was not okay with Sally . She explained that they wouldn 't understand all the lectures and dodge ball games that we did on weekends . So , on the advice of Sally ( who said I should not miss the noon lecture ) , I told my parents that they should come on Friday at 2 p . m . When Friday came I was very nervous and scared . Sally and Laurie kept telling me that everything would be all right . I was not to tell my parents any specifics about my activities at the farm but only that we were a community of people working together for a better world . I attended the noon lecture as expected . At the close of the lecture we all filed out and went into the women 's trailer to eat lunch . We were still eating lunch when it came time for my parents to arrive . Sally said I should speak to Noah , the head of the camp , before I went to see my parents . So I obediently waited in the kitchen trailer until I was called in to what I assume was Noah 's room . I noticed how different it was from the sleeping quarters of everyone else . There were three single beds , all made up , at least two comfortable chairs , and lots of space . I was a little in awe of Noah , and tried to be agreeable with him . He commented that my parents probably had a lot of misconceptions about our group , from what they had read in the newspapers . He asked me if I had ever heard of Rev . Sun Myung Moon , and I answered that I knew vaguely of him . He asked me if I thought I had been brainwashed , if I felt forced to believe anything I had been told , and if I felt that I was being forced to stay there . I answered " No " to all of these questions . He reminded me that I hadn 't really made a commitment to the group as yet and that if my parents were to ask what I believed I would say that I was just trying out their ideas , which was true . He told me that he would come out after a while to speak to my parents personally . I was flattered . It was time to go . Sally met me outside the trailer . Before we walked down the road we said a prayer to help make me strong . I was to resist any demands my parents might make for me to come home because it was very important to make a commitment to God and I shouldn 't let my parents influence me . After the prayer , we crossed the bridge and started to walk down the road to another trailer which was situated near the entrance gate to the farm . After we climbed over a rise in the road , I saw my parents walking towards us . I had an impulse to run to them but thought that Sally would frown on it . However , she said , " Why don 't you run up to them ? " so I did . I met my mother first since she had been walking faster than my dad , who had rheumatoid arthritis . I gave her a big hug but tried to be on guard for her influencing me in any way . Then I saw my father . He looked pathetic , almost limping and looking like he was in great pain . I ran to him and hugged him . He was crying . I had never seen him cry before . I felt very sorry for him . I think that deep inside I felt that I had hurt him very much but I tried to deny my feelings by telling myself that he just wanted to make me feel sorry for him . We all walked down the road to the trailer and decided to sit down at a picnic table in front of it . My father looked distressed and my mother was trying to be kind and friendly , asking Sally about herself and also talking to the other two girls that had appeared from the trailer . Also , an older woman ( perhaps about 50 ) had joined us at the table . " What does your group do exactly ? " my mother asked . Sally explained that we were just a group of people trying to work together and learn how to love each other , that most of our work together was maintaining the farm and growing food . She did not go into detail about any of the philosophy . Mom said , " I 've brought some bananas ; they 're in the car . " I said , " I 'll go get them . " I ran to the car and was looking for the bananas as my mother approached . She said , " What are they teaching you here ? " I answered , " It 's okay , mom , I 'm having a lot of fun . There 's nothing wrong with it . " I said , " What are you talking about ? That 's silly . " ( At that time I had not been in the Moonies long enough to be told that Rev . Moon is the Second Coming of Christ and that he is superior to Jesus Christ . Therefore I was puzzled by my mother 's remark . Of course , she knew more about it than I did at the time , but I was unaware of that fact . ) We went back to the table , bringing the bananas . We had been given some peanut butter sandwiches , oranges and tea , and so proceeded to eat . Noah came out after some time and sat down with us . My parents asked him some questions : " What did you do before coming here ? " for example . Mom said , " Why haven 't you gotten Cathy some medicine for her cold ? " " I 'll have it taken care of . I 'll personally see to it that she 's okay . " He never did anything about it except to tell someone else to take care of it . That was a clue to me that at least some of the people here were not as concerned about the welfare of others as they claimed to be . In fact , Noah always seemed like a cold , aloof person to me . He appeared to be afraid of any real contact with anyone or of being asked too many questions . After Noah had left , mom said " I have a letter to read from Dr . C ____ , and she wants to talk to you about your decision to stay here . Sally looked concerned and said to my mother and me , " Let 's go into the trailer and talk about this in private " . Sally had reminded me earlier , " Pretend that you have nothing more than a slight cold and if you start to cough , suppress it . " When the three of us went into the trailer , mom said , " You look kind of pale and not well . " I said , " It 's only a slight cold , " but while continuing to talk I started to cough uncontrollably . Whenever , I would start to cough , Sally would look at me disapprovingly and my mother would ask for some medicine . Finally I was given some cough syrup that didn 't really help . During the conversation , I tried to answer my mother in such a way as not to say anything bad about my current experiences . " I need to try this out and refuse to go home at this time . " This was difficult for me because deep down , I really wanted to please my parents . I kept looking to Sally for support . After some more discussion , my mother took out the letter from Dr . C ____ and began to read it . We feel that your happiness is very important and that you must make your own decisions . However , since you have been employed by us , we feel that it is only fair that you return for at least one day to discuss your future . You need to decide whether you want to quit your job with us . Even if you do decide to leave our employ , you need to straighten out the office files and checkbook for the next person . My dad came into the trailer because it was getting cold outside . About six or eight of us were crowded around a little table in the trailer . Somebody made some hot chocolate . We talked about different things , perhaps politics or the weather . We also sang a few songs , the very idealistic ones that were common there , such as sung to the tune of " Hey , Ho , Nobody Home " . If I recall correctly , my dad sang a song from his land of birth , Hungary , and my mother ( also from Hungary ) joined in . It was an enjoyable time . The sun was beginning to set and mom said , " I 've got to call your brother Joe to let him know when we 're getting home . " So mom and I and Sally walked up the road to the pay phone and placed the call . We met a few of my Moonie companions there and they all said hello . After the phone call , my mother commented on how beautiful the surroundings were . The rolling hills and the cows walking about made her feel peaceful . She said " I wouldn 't mind staying in a place like this for a while . " We walked back to the trailer near the gate , first getting a couple of boxes out of the car with things for me in them . Included in the boxes was a quilt made for me by my sister , the book " The Prophet " , some beef jerky , walnuts , and two primrose plants . When Sally saw the primroses , she asked if I would give one to a leader of the camp and the other to the women 's trailer . I agreed . It was about time for my parents to leave . Mom asked , " Will you come home with us now to see Dr . C ____ , or will you wait until Monday ? " I didn 't know what to answer so I consulted Sally . She said , " It 's better to wait until Monday so as not to miss the weekend activities . " So I said to mom , " I 'll come home Monday , for just one day . " As we were about to walk to the car , Sally noticed the full moon rising over one of the hills on the farm . It was a beautiful sight , I had to admit . Sally said , " Why don 't we sing a song to it ? " This was innocent enough , I thought , and wanted to show my parents how happy I was ( or so I thought ) by singing . I didn 't realize until later the significance of singing to the moon , perhaps being a way of worshiping Reverend Moon . As we sang the song , a group of people were working in a nearby field , perhaps pulling weeds . My mother commented , " It 's cold and dark , and why are they working out there so late ? " I said , " It 's okay , it 's not that cold , and besides they have lanterns to see with and they 're enjoying themselves . " Finally it was time for my parents to leave , so they said " Goodbye , nice to meet you , " to everyone . They were disappointed that I wasn 't coming home with them , much more disappointed than they let on . As they drove off we waved goodbye . We walked up the road and everyone said what nice people my parents were . I guess I was kind of glad that things seemed to have gone so well . I think we sang a song as we walked up the road . During one of the lectures , we were visited by the wife of Dr . D ____ , a Korean woman named Onni . The more experienced Moonies seemed to have great respect for her . Before she began her lecture she sang the song " Exodus " . Her voice was very deep and beautiful . One thing I vaguely recall about her speech was her use , which delighted everyone , of the word " doo - da " . She said , " Some people might think that they can 't live up to the ideals put forward here , but that is doo - da . If you keep saying you can 't , you never will . It 's doo - da to think that you can 't . " I didn 't trust her very much . Even though I 'd decided to try out the Moonies , not knowing they were Moonies , I had retained some cynicism . I thought Onni was an interesting person , but was not willing to believe everything she told us . " Now , remember , your family loves you very much . They will try to get you to stay home . Also , this Dr . C ____ , do you like her a lot ? " I walked over to the group of vans waiting for passengers . We had to wait some time before the drivers showed up , so we sang some songs . One of the songs was in the style of 1950 's rock , with the shoo - bop - shoo - bop in the background . The words were simply and so on . One of the Moonie houses was located on Dana Street in Oakland . This was where we were headed and where I 'd eaten dinner that first night on January 2nd . Finally , Laurie showed up with Chuck . Jill , Connie and a third girl and myself got into the van with the guys . The men sat up in the front seats and the women sat on the floor in the back . One of the first things we did as we were driving along was to see which one of us could give the best lecture on Moonie philosophy . When each one had finished his turn , everyone applauded and congratulated him on how well he had done . About halfway to Oakland , we stopped at a grocery store to buy food . Most of it was junk food like potato chips , dip , and ice cream . It reminded me of my childhood when a group of my friends and I would go to the candy store and buy all the stuff that we knew we shouldn 't eat a lot of . Laurie insisted that we sing a song to the grocery clerk and so we did . The clerk had a pained expression on his face . It was a crazy thing to do , but also fun . We shared the food and when everyone had had their fill , some of us started to fall asleep , but I stayed awake . Laurie started to talk to me about how special I was and what good progress I was making . I told him I had a lot of doubts . As I recall , he told me not to worry , just to be strong . About 11 : 30 p . m . , we drove into Oakland , and after a short stop drove to the house . Some people were still awake ; they had apparently just finished a meeting . I waited in the kitchen until they said it was okay to come upstairs . Jill and I got out our sleeping bags . She found a nightgown for me . We decided we 'd get up about 6 : 30 a . m . She said , " When you live here , you get up that early every day . " Before we went to bed I looked at some of the books that were in the room . One of these was " The Divine Principle , " by Rev . Sun Myung Moon . This book contains some of the philosophy of Moon and of his followers . I don 't know if this book is available to the public , but for those interested , the following book may provide some information on the Moon philosophy : " The Moon Doctrine , " by J . Isamu Yamamota , Intervarsity Press , Downers Grove , Illinois . Other books that may be helpful are " Combatting Cult Mind Control " and " Releasing the Bonds : Empowering People to Think for Themselves " , both by Steve Hassan . One caution regarding the first book by Mr . Hassan is that the Cult Awareness Network , given as a resource , went bankrupt after the book was published and was taken over by the Scientology cult . This is noted on Mr . Hassan 's website www . freedomofmind . com . At 6 : 30 a . m . the alarm went off . After washing up , we went down to breakfast . That morning the leader of the group was a woman whom I 'd seen before at the farm named Bonnie , who had once been a nurse . She seemed very much in command of things and was giving out each person 's assignments for the day . For example , some of the people had to go out and sell flowers or incense or simply ask for donations . She gave a pep talk about how each person could make at least $ 100 a day because so - and - so went out every day and made at least $ 200 - 300 a day . After breakfast we split into smaller groups . In my group was a young man I hadn 't seen before who looked like he was about to collapse with fatigue . Laurie asked him when he had slept last . Even though it was a long time , I gathered that he was still expected to do some work that day , and that going without sleep is a good spiritual discipline . It was time to go to see Dr . Craig . Bonnie and I went out , after a brief talk with Laurie , who urged me to " be strong , " and also a prayer . We ran all the way to the bus stop . It was early in the morning , about 7 : 30 a . m . In about ten minutes the bus came and we got on . I seem to recall singing songs while we were on the bus . In downtown Berkeley we had to get off the bus to transfer . There we met Maybelle , Dr . Craig 's housekeeper . She got on the same bus we got on . I wondered what she thought of me , since I 'd been away for two weeks , and what the Craigs had told her to explain my absence . I felt uncomfortable . When we got to the Craigs ' home we all went in the back door and I said hello to the Craigs . They were just finishing breakfast . Professor Craig said , " Hello , stranger , " in his kind way . I introduced Bonnie to Dr . Craig , who was kind enough but promptly told the girl that she would have to leave while we did our business . We arranged that my mother would come and pick her up and go back to my parent 's house with her until noon , and then bring Bonnie back to the Craigs ' house . I went into the Dr . Craig 's home office and started working on the office checkbook . I had a terrible case of bronchitis but was trying to conceal it from Dr . Craig . I insisted that I felt fine but my ruse didn 't work . She said , " After you finish working , I 'll give you an examination , and we must also have a talk about your future with us or with the Moonies , wherever you decide to go . " I agreed to talk . So when the work was done , she listened with a stethoscope to my breathing and decided I needed some medicine . When we sat down to talk she asked , " Why did you go away ? " I thought for a moment and answered something like , " Well , I was very lonely and bored here and had to get away . " She asked , " Did you know that the place where you stayed is surrounded by barbed wire fences ? That doesn 't sound like a very free place to me . " " No , " I answered , " are you sure ? There were fences , but I don 't remember any barbed wire . " I don 't remember other details of the conversation , but it had planted a seed of doubt in my mind . Soon it was time for lunch . The Craigs , Maybelle , and I sat down for the usual soup , crackers and cheese . I felt tense , but also felt that considering everything , they were being quite kind to me . Noticing that fact , I began to think how much the Craigs meant to me , and also what the Moonies meant to me . The conflict between the two forces seemed too much and I left the table because I was beginning to cry . At that moment my mother and Bonnie returned . As I sat in the bathroom in confusion , my world felt like an incomprehensible jumble . My needs for companionship with people my own age and for affection seemed to be in direct conflict with the love I felt for my parents and the Craigs and with the need to be responsible and moral . I felt like a helpless child . My mother knocked on the bathroom door and asked to come in . " Okay , " I mumbled . She came in and began to talk , asking , " Cathy , do you really want to go back ? " I didn 't know what I wanted , but I was tired and confused and finally said , " I think I want to stay here for a while . " As I said this , Bonnie came to the door , and exclaimed , " No , you don 't mean that , do you ? " I mumbled something and Bonnie said , " I 'm sorry that I haven 't loved you For a while I just lay there feeling sick , physically and mentally . Then I tried to logically figure out what I should do . On the one hand , my parents were very upset , the Craigs needed me , and I felt guilty for leaving them . On the other hand , I desperately wanted the companionship of people my own age . For some reason I had not developed a healthy companionship with my own age group , as would be normal . There were painful issues I hadn 't dealt with or understood , and the Moonies provided an escape , a place where I wouldn 't have to think about those issues . In the end , I unconsciously decided to go back - what if they were right ? What if I could really be happy there ? Maybe I could escape from my family - not face the problems of feeling that I and they were inadequate in some way . I could be with people my own age without the responsibility of facing my real adult problems . After some time , about one or two hours , my mother returned . We talked for a while and she asked , " How are you feeling ? " In just a few minutes , there was a knock at the back door , which was near my little bedroom off the kitchen . Bonnie had returned , along with Laurie . Mom said , " Don 't open the door . " " It 's okay , mom , " I said . " It 's just Laurie and Bonnie , " and I opened the door . Laurie said , " I 've got to talk to you , it 's very important . " " Don 't talk to him , " my mom said . " It 's okay , don 't worry , mom . " So I went outside with Laurie to the little gazebo which the Craigs had in their back yard . As he talked to me his eyes had a glazed look . He urged me to return with him and Bonnie . I said I was confused and should be allowed to make up my own mind . Meanwhile my mom was at the back porch telling me not to listen to him . After a few minutes of being exhorted by both Laurie and my mother , I said loudly to everyone , " I can 't make up my mind so I will pray about it , by myself . " Everyone agreed to this and I walked over to the patio out of range of the insistent voices . I asked God to help me know what I should do . Soon , although I didn 't know it , my prayer would be answered . After a few minutes I walked back to the group and announced that I would be going back with Laurie and Bonnie . My mom said , " Okay , it 's up to you . " She told me later that she had put the whole matter in God 's hands , letting him handle the situation , and not trying on her own efforts to save the situation . Laurie and Bonnie were delighted . I gathered a few things including clean clothes . My mother handed me some money . I said goodbye to the Craigs . They didn 't seem overly concerned about me . The car we were to leave in was parked uphill on a steep street near the Craigs ' house on Marin Avenue in Berkeley . Laurie could not start the car , so we had to get out and push . I 'm not sure how we did that on an uphill incline , but we did get it started . Laurie yelled emphatically , " Get in ! " and then he quickly jumped in and slammed his door . The door window shattered into hundreds of little pieces which scattered all over the seats and the rest of the car . Then Laurie said , " You see , that is the devils trying to keep us from leaving . " It was then that I knew that he was crazy and from that moment on I earnestly struggled with the thought of leaving the Moonies . I was not able or willing to state right then and there that I wanted to leave . Knowing my vulnerability to persuasion , especially from Laurie , I believed they would convince me to change my mind again . So in the car I desperately struggled with my conscience . We made a stop at the Oakland house on Dana Street . As I recall , we all got out and went inside . The three of us went upstairs . Laurie said , " We should pray - let 's go into Onni 's room . " I noticed that Onni 's room was very nicely furnished with a comfortable looking bed and a dressing table . Laurie prayed for me to be strong . When we were done he said , " Bonnie has to stay here , so two other people are going to take you to San Francisco and then back to the farm . " These were two Moonies I didn 't know well . We drove on to San Francisco and stopped at the Moonie house there . As I got out of the car , two people standing in front of the house asked me if I were new to the group . " Yes , " I said . They showed me some magazine articles they had about Moon and some of his quotations . Then what they said next struck me as very true . " Be careful . They will try to twist your mind around . You can say one thing and they will make you believe the opposite . " As we stood there talking , a Moonie looked on apprehensively . I went up the stairs into the house . I still felt quite sick and sat down . I asked if I could call my father . " Yes , there 's a phone near the kitchen . " As I walked in , the people said hello and were very friendly . I dialed my dad 's work phone . I said , " I 'm going back to the Moonie camp . " I could tell he was crying a little as he said , " If you ever need a ride home , anytime , just call me . " I wanted to say , " Please come now , please come now , " but somehow I wanted to get out of the situation on my own . I went back to the hallway and sat down on the stairs in a miserable state . I must have looked miserable , too , for the girl who had been in the car on the drive to San Francisco asked if I would like some tea to make me feel better . I told her weakly that I wanted to go home . She said , " Oh , you mustn 't feel negative . You 're just sick and when you feel better you will want to stay here . " " I want to go home , " I said , more forcefully this time . " Why don 't you just go upstairs and rest for a while , " said the girl . " I don 't want to , I want to go home . You people are crazy , " I answered . Then Bob , the guy who had driven the car from Oakland , said , " Why don 't you come in here and we 'll talk about this , " showing me a room off to one side of the hallway . I was suspicious and thought , " If I 'm alone with him , he 'll easily persuade me to stay . " " No thanks , I want my things and I 'm leaving . " " Now you know what you want to do . You know how important our work here is . The devils are trying to make you leave . " He continued his attempts to persuade me . It seemed that underneath his words was a feeling of fear . We were out on the porch now . I said , " Listen , you guys say we have a free will . Well , I 'm exercising my free will and if I find I 'm wrong , maybe I 'll be back . If you really believe I have a free will , you have to let me go . " He finally gave up and got my things from the car . The people that had been standing in front of the house spoke to me . I found out they were from a group called " Eclipse " , an obvious reference to their opposition to Moon . " How did you decide to leave ? " they asked me . " Well , what you said really struck me , about how they can turn your mind around . It 's really true . And I 've hurt too many people . " I thought about my dad crying , my mom , and the Craigs . As I waved goodbye , they shouted , " Stay free ! " The story didn 't end on that San Francisco street . Not only was it a miracle that I had asserted myself and stood up to the Moonies , it was also somewhat of a miracle for me just getting home from there . This was because I didn 't know the city at all , it was starting to get dark , and I was not used to independently traveling in unfamiliar to places . But the same Moonie girl who had tried to keep me from leaving had told me what bus to take to the subway station , and just as I got to the corner the appropriate bus arrived . I didn 't have change , only the money that my mom had given me that afternoon ( another gift from God ) . I asked someone for change and was kindly given some . The bus arrived at the subway station and my train arrived shortly thereafter . I felt like I had just escaped from a prison camp . Soon I was on the bus to the Craigs ' house . On arriving , I approached the back door , hoping they wouldn 't be angry and would accept me back . Professor Craig opened the door , and I asked him somewhat tongue - in - cheek , " Do you have any openings for a live - in secretary ? " He smiled and said , " Come in . " The Craigs seemed to have no hard feelings and they were glad that I was back . I called my parents and dad said , " I 'll be right over . " The following day I was in bed trying to recover from my illness . My mother was visiting me in my room . There was a knock at the back door near my bedroom . It was Laurie . He asked Maybelle , who had opened the door , if he could see me . She thought he was a friend so she opened the door . My mom , hearing his voice , immediately shut my bedroom door and leaned against it . She shouted through the door " You cannot see Cathy - she 's sick . Please leave . " He kept insisting on seeing me . I still had mixed feelings about him and I yelled , " I love you , Laurie , but I can 't do what you 're doing . " He still kept insisting on talking to me and my mom kept telling him to leave . At this point , Professor Craig came into the kitchen . When he saw what was happening , he said to Laurie , " You 'd better get out of here , and if you ever come back , you 'd better have the police on your side . " Laurie left . Then he began to harass my parents . They received phone calls every day . My mom received a house plant and a letter . My dad told Laurie not to call back anymore , but Laurie ignored the request . Several days after my return , my mom thought I should meet the deprogrammer my parents had consulted during my absence . A deprogrammer is supposed to help free an indoctrinated person 's thinking through reeducation . The deprogrammer came over to the Craigs ' house with my father . I felt uncomfortable when he gave me a big hug , as if some stranger on the street had kissed me . He acted like we were close friends . My dad and I and the deprogrammer talked for a half hour or so , after which the deprogrammer decided that I was okay and was not going to run back to the Moonies . He left and wished me luck . I don 't know enough to say whether deprogramming is a good method to bring a person out of cult thinking . My gut sense is that it uses the same tactics the cultists use , but I could be mistaken . I believe what worked for me was that there were people in my life who were allowing me to make up my own mind . I can cite several points which led me to make my decision to leave : My dad and I decided that it would be a good idea for me to leave the Craigs for a week or two so I could recuperate and perhaps also to protect me from Laurie . We felt not a little paranoid about him . We decided I would stay with my godparents for a week . [ My godmother , whom I usually call my aunt , now lives in a retirement residence and has dementia ] . My dad was to drive me to their house . Dad came over and said we had to go by his house for a few minutes . So we drove to my parents ' house first . My dad got the things he needed . We were just going out the door when Laurie 's car drove up ! My dad said to me , " Get back inside , I 'll take care of this . " He went out and shut the door behind him . After five to ten minutes , dad came back in . He was pretty furious with Laurie . Dad said , " I told Laurie " I don 't get mad easily , but when I do I can be dangerous . You must never bother my wife and I or my daughter again or something bad could happen . You Moonies are like the Nazis . If you realized what you were doing you would hide in shame . " Dad continued , " After I said that to him , he told me that of all the parents he had spoken to , I was one of the ones he most respected ! " Laurie never visited my parents ' house again , and he could not call them anymore because my parents got an unlisted number . However , for a long time , I feared that I might see him or some other Moonies on the street . As I write this epilogue in 2004 , it 's been about twenty - eight years now since all these events occurred . Many good changes occurred as a result - as someone has said , " God uses the things he hates to accomplish the things he loves . " In my case , it was an awakening for me to turn back to my Christian faith , to deeply examine it and make it a living reality , not just a nice thing that people do on Sundays . My family became more affectionate . We began to hug each other a lot more and I believe there was improvement in our communication . I realized that my family loved me more than I was aware of . I took part in counseling , including group therapy where I learned to be more comfortable around my peers . I still go to counseling from time to time to deal with family and personal issues . As a result of my experience , I 'm deeply interested in the Bible and it has become personal to me , partly because I believe if I had known the Bible better and studied it , I might not have been as vulnerable to the deceptions of the Moonies . [ As it was , the part of the Bible I did know helped me be more skeptical of their philosophy . ] Of course , they are free to believe what they want , but should not be free to deceive and manipulate people . Jesus is real to me and He has helped me heal , mostly in the area of negative thinking . I believe that the closer we are to Jesus , the less vulnerable we are to deception . One of the best ways to know Jesus is to read and study the Bible and meditate on it , and to spend time with healthy , well - balanced Christians . However , I also know each person must have the freedom to make his own choice about his beliefs , and I respect those whose beliefs differ from mine . I 'm sure that psychologists , sociologists , and theologians could have an interesting time analyzing what happened to me and why . Whether through ignorance or some wrong choices , I made my family into a god , expecting them to fulfill all my needs . My depression seems to happen when I put my hope in my family rather than the power of God to change me and to change others . People , no matter how good , will sometimes let you down . Even the best people will hurt you at times , if unintentionally . God is the only one who always wants good for us , even in bad times . If some loved one is letting you down , ask God for wisdom and the power to forgive . You may still need intensive counseling from a wise person to be able to handle serious problems . Freedom is a precious gift . There are some situations in which a person has to be left to make his own decision , even if one feels that the person is doing something totally foolish . If we try on our own to fix the person or the situation , we take away their power to make a choice . That person will be forever at the mercy of those who would manipulate , persuade , and deceive . It takes faith to let go of another , as my mother did when she said , " Okay , it 's up to you , " not because she didn 't care but because she knew it was not in her power to change my mind . She had the faith to believe that God would somehow work through the situation to make it come out right . Dr . Craig was especially magnanimous . I don 't think many employers would be so forgiving . And I am grateful to the numerous people who prayed for me during this ordeal . COPYRIGHT © C . N . Rodeheffer and clarakatalin . wordpress . com , 2012 - 2017 . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to C . N . Rodeheffer and clarakatalin . wordrpress . com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . |
It was January 2nd , 1976 . I was 21 years old and somewhat depressed . I was alone in the big house in Berkeley in which I lived and also housesat when Dr . C ___ and her husband Professor C ____ were away . I had spent the last few days with my family and was angry with them because we seemed to have so little real love for each other , or at least what love there was did not get expressed . That past year , for reasons I didn 't understand at the time , my older brother had gotten a divorce . It seemed to bother me more than it did him . And during the week with my family , there had been some exchanges between my sister and father that were less than loving . She had been talking about some suffering she had experienced . My father , whose family had lost all its wealth because of World War II , and who had been a refugee in an American camp in Austria , said " You don 't know anything about suffering . " He may have been right , but it was the manner in which he said it that bothered me , seemingly discounting anything my sister had experienced . I felt as if people in my family could never be honest with each other . It seemed as if we were not allowed to express our anger or to disagree , especially with my father . The situation seemed hopeless . Even though I didn 't like the way things were in my family , I still hoped to receive love from them and also expected them to fulfill most of my needs for friendship and companionship . I didn 't have many close friends and even with those friends I was afraid to be myself . In short , although it wasn 't the happiest family situation , I was dependent on my family . In a way they were my false god - I depended on them to fulfill most of my needs even though they couldn 't . That night I received a phone call from a young man named Laurie . I had met him twice before on the street , and being naive , had given him my phone number without really getting to know him or what his motives were . I forgot about him almost immediately , but he did not forget me . As the depression weighed on me , I told myself that I should reach out to people more , and moved towards the phone , thinking of calling someone . Just then the phone rang . " Oh , yeah . " " Oh , no , " I thought , " This is some creep trying to bother me . " Out loud I said , " How are you ? " I had to admit he had a point . Besides , all I wanted was to get away . I didn 't want to face my family problems or tell my parents how angry I was at them for the way our family had turned out . I wanted to get away and not think about anything . He got there in about 45 minutes . I was a little scared , but I didn 't let it bother me . I just wanted to get out of that big , lonely house . We arrived at the house , which was located near a church on D ___ Street in B _______ . The porch at the entryway of the house was covered with several dozen pairs of shoes . We removed ours and entered a large room off to one side . There a girl sitting at a table was taking donations . I gave her a dollar . There were a lot of people in the room . I especially noticed a man who seemed to be a bit older than most of the other people . He had a big smile on his face and was leading the singing . I was very impressed by him because he looked so happy . We stood in a circle and sang for a while . I remember how childish I thought it was . There were songs like " You Are My Sunshine , " the kind you would sing at summer camp or elementary school . Then the leader , Jeremiah , told us all to sit down and we would be served our dinner , which consisted of vegetables and rice , no meat . During the dinner people would come around and say how nice my clothes were or compliment me in some other manner . One person named Tom , who I had met before with Laurie , struck me as a little peculiar . I told him I was alone while the boss at my live - in job was away from home , and that being alone depressed me at times . " Yes , " he said , " strange things happen to you when you 're alone too much , " he said with a far - away look in his eyes . " I 'm sure glad I moved in with this group . " After dinner there was a lecture about " The Principle , " which the people who lived there evidently believed in . The speaker said , " Most people don 't use their full potential , only one part of themselves such as heart , mind , or body . " This sounded true enough to me . One idea of " The Principle " was concerned with the use of will power - if you want to change yourself , just do it . " It 's not so easy , " I thought . I looked around to see other people 's reactions to the lecture . Some looked skeptical ; others were listening with rapt attention . I guessed that the people in the latter group were already living there . I told myself I should keep an open mind , although I doubted the ideas . One woman got up and left . I wished that I had the courage to express my skepticism so openly . Next came a slide show picturing the group 's farm in Booneville , California . It was beautiful - green , rolling hills , cows , crops growing , etc . I had always wanted to visit a farm . During the show some pleasant music played , making the scenes seem even more lovely . All during the evening people were paying a lot of attention to me , asking if I wanted more water , more rice , more vegetables . They would touch me or smile at me or look at me in the eyes , lovingly . All this made me feel uncomfortable . After the slide show , people kept asking me if I would like to go up to their farm . The presence of these many people of my own age group was so inviting ( and so was the farm ) that it was hard to resist . I kept thinking that I should stay at home and take care of the C ____ s ' house , but the memory of my boredom and loneliness persuaded me to give in . Immediately I received half a dozen hugs and cries of delight . " Oh , you 'll just love it ! " They took care of everything for me . I didn 't have a sleeping bag , so they let me borrow one . I had to get some things from home , so they drove me to my house . I was really excited . I felt that I was going on an adventure . I thought about calling my mother but felt that she would not let me go , so I didn 't call . I finally got all my things together and also paid $ 18 to Laurie , for food and lodging during the weekend . We got in a van and started our trip to Booneville . There were four people in the van - Jill , Chuck , Laurie , and myself . Jill was to be like a sister to me in the group . She seemed friendly and kind . She told me that my visit to Booneville would be an experience I would not forget . During the trip we sang songs and someone played guitar . We each took turns singing . We also stopped once or twice for gas or food . Since it was so dark I don 't recall what the scenery was like . One song I sang was " The Lord Is My Shepherd . " After I sang that everyone was strangely quiet . I didn 't really think about it at the time . As we started walking , I almost tripped and fell , but Laurie caught me and held my hand . I thought he was very kind but I did not trust him . We crossed a suspension bridge which wobbled and bounced as we walked across it . They told me that the leader of the camp , Noah , had designed and built the bridge . He had been an engineer at one time . Someone held my hand the whole way . Across the bridge was an area surrounded by very bright lights . I didn 't notice much more of the surroundings because Jill and I went right up to a big house trailer and went inside . It was very dark except for a dim light near the entrance . There were people sleeping all over the floor so we had to be careful where we stepped . We finally found and empty space and put our sleeping bags down . A girl named Leslie welcomed me and gave me a back rub . We talked a little about our parents and she said her father used to beat her . I thought that was terrible . It seemed to me that parents had entirely too much power over their children . I didn 't go to sleep for a long time , finding it difficult to breathe with my cold , wondering why I was here , and what was in store for me . The next day we got up about 8 : 30 , awakened by three or four girls singing , whom I did not appreciate at that hour . We put our sleeping bags on shelves and went out to do exercises . I didn 't like the idea of doing exercises in the morning , although I could see that it 's important to keep your body in shape . After the exercises , we ate breakfast outdoors , sitting on blankets on the damp ground . Both men and women were present , as at the exercises . Then we went to an old barn , which they called the " Chicken Palace , " where the men slept at night . It was crowded . I was given a seat in the front , next to Laurie . There was a rock band with big amplifiers and the music was so loud that one had to shout to be heard . There was much singing and clapping , like an old time religious revival meeting . After everyone was excited by the music , there was a lecture by a Dr . M ___ D ____ , a professor at LaneyCollege in Oakland . I guess the fact that he had a doctorate and that he was a professor was supposed to impress us . The lecture was essentially the same as the one we had heard Friday . An incredible part of the day was spent in a game called " Dodge Ball " , but not played as I had learned it as a child . There were two sides , with about 30 people on each side , in an area about 30 by 15 feet marked off by a rope . The team which had the ball would try to hit as many people on the other team as possible . Each team chanted and clapped during the entire game until they were hoarse . They chanted things like " Smash with love , " or " Jump for joy . " Meanwhile they would throw the ball viciously with the apparent intention of hurting someone . I didn 't want to be involved in this so I walked away and pretty soon Leslie followed me and asked , " What 's wrong ? It 's not good to wander off by yourself . " I went back but hid among the bystanders so I wouldn 't have to play . We had more lectures and more food which was most often something vegetarian . By Sunday afternoon I was full of propaganda and didn 't know what to think . People were telling me , " This movement is going to save the world . It 's important that we dedicate our whole lives to it . " Laurie told me , " It would be good if you could stay another week . You 're just a ' spiritual seedling ' and if you leave now you 'll forget everything you 've learned . " I didn 't know what to do . Even though these people seemed peculiar to me , I did enjoy being around people my own age and also being away from home in a rural setting . They finally persuaded me to stay another week . I had to call the C ____ s the next day and tell them I wouldn 't be home . They thought I just needed a vacation and said okay . I called my other boss ( I had a part - time secretarial job in an insurance office ) Mr . H ___ , to tell him I couldn 't come to work for the next week . I also called my parents and told them I was all right . They thought I was just camping out with friends , and I told myself the same half truth . For that next week the daily routine went something like this : up at 8 , awakened by female singers ( whom I inwardly grumbled at ) , clean up , exercise , more clean up , breakfast , lecture , work , singing , lecture , eat lunch , more lecture , work , meditation , singing , lecture , dinner , singing , and lecture . There were some variations in the routine , such as at the Monday breakfast when people were asked to volunteer their life stories . I was too self - conscious to do it but some other people volunteered . It was interesting but quite often distressing . One person said that he had been a drug addict until he had come there but now was not using drugs . Another said that he was a homosexual but that he hoped being there would help him overcome his problem . Sometimes instead of the lecture we would have group sessions of about five or six people . We talked about what we thought of previous lectures , what our thoughts were about God , how we could be better people . At first it all seemed idealistic , but I sensed that something was wrong . It seemed so structured and planned ; there were answers for everything but they were too easy . The only time we were allowed to be alone was during meditation hour . I was puzzled at this exception , since previously I hadn 't been allowed to wander off alone . During this hour we were supposed to pray and not talk to anyone else . I didn 't know how to pray very well but I tried anyway . I felt that God didn 't answer me in any obvious way . If he was talking to me , I couldn 't hear him . At dinner we would talk about what experiences we had during meditation . I never had anything to say and I wondered why other people had experiences such as feeling at peace or close to God . I would try to think of something to say but nothing happened that I felt I could share . The lectures were fascinating in one respect - how humans explain reality to themselves . I wish that I still had my notes . One of the first ideas that we learned was that God had intended Adam and Eve to be the parents of a perfect human race , which at the time sounded plausible to me . But the philosophy went way beyond that into to some bizarre ideas . We were also taught that the reason for man 's fall was that Lucifer was jealous of God 's love for Adam and Eve , and wanting to share in that love , had a sexual relationship with Eve ( through their spiritual bodies ) . So Eve was made impure , or rather the child of that relationship , Cain , was evil because their relationship was evil . Eve realized that she had done wrong and so tried to have sex with Adam as was previously intended . But since Adam and Eve were both immature , it was the wrong time to do this so they made their situation worse . Other ideas were that Jesus failed on earth because He never had children . This is based on the idea that Jesus was the second Adam . His mission ( according to our lecturers ) was to find a perfect mate so the perfect family could finally be established on earth . Since no one understood Jesus , they said , He failed to find a mate and so the Holy Spirit was supposed to be His symbolic mate . According to the Moonie belief , those who believe in Christ can be rescued spiritually but not physically . They must believe in the " Lord of the Second Advent " to be saved both physically and spiritually . To someone who has not been to one of these week - long marathons or to one who is familiar with and believes in the Bible , it may seem incredible that anyone would believe such notions . But a person who is desperate , depressed , or confused may be willing to believe anything if it gives them hope , however false . Looking back at myself and the people I met at the Moonie camp , some of the following factors were involved : a belief that one 's own religious upbringing had not given us adequate answers in how to deal with life ; observing that some of the people who do practice traditional religion don 't live what they preach ; a rebellious spirit - turning to a bizarre religion as a means of revenge towards parents or just as a way to show independence ; and lastly , the appeal of a religion that claims to have a clear , logical answer for everything and so helps one avoid facing painful problems or the uncertain areas of life . My own background had not prepared me to deal with a seemingly disorderly world . Part of me always believed that an all powerful God was in charge , but I didn 't have any answers when the world contradicted this . I was angry that I hadn 't been given the freedom to discover my own answers , but had only memorized someone else 's answers , without being given the reasons why or why not they were good answers . Not having thought out or knowing the reasons for my beliefs made me gullible in the face of the Moonies . This is not to say that all the beliefs I grew up with were wrong , only that I had not learned why they were good . That Friday we had the usual well - attended lecture . Afterwards , we went out to meditate . I was praying to God ( or my idea of God ) , " Please tell me what to do with myself . What do you want me to do for you ? " I 'm not sure that my prayer was really sincere - was I motivated by guilt ? At any rate , nothing seemed to happen . I don 't know what I expected to happen . Perhaps to hear a Voice saying , " You must do such and such . " I felt desperate , wishing I would have some experience of God or what I imagined to be God . Laurie was the person who first introduced me to this group . He stayed with me whenever possible . During lectures he would hold or squeeze my hand in apparent affection . In my blindness , he felt like a father or a very dear brother . The affection was one of the subtle ways that the Moonies used to draw people into their fold . It was flattering and comforting to have a male person paying so much attention to me , especially since at the time my father was not one to openly show his affection . On the farm no sort physical affection beyond hand - holding was ever to be seen , even though practically everyone there was unmarried and under the age of thirty . This I found somewhat unusual but passed it off as part of the " religious atmosphere " . Perhaps people 's sexuality was channeled off in other ways such as to assign an " elder " Moonie ( one who 'd been in the group for several years ) to a " young " one of the opposite sex and use this relationship to make the " young " Moonie dependent on the group . So I had come to see Laurie as my " spiritual father " . I also had a " spiritual mother " named Sally . This arrangement raised doubts within me but I went along with it all , perhaps in unconscious anger towards my parents . All these feelings of dependency , need for affection , need for guidance , and others were whirling into a dramatic vortex when I saw Laurie at the gate . I also had a fantasy that perhaps he loved me and I loved him too . The situation was confused to say the least . " She just wants you to call her back . Look , I have to talk to you about this . You know how important it is what we 're doing here . " " So , I am going to ask you to do something . You have to be very brave . You have to tell her you 're not coming home , that you want to stay here . " " I think you are somebody special . You have progressed faster than almost anybody else I have seen here . That 's why I think you should stay here and give this a chance . If you leave now you will not be strong against the world and you won 't be able to help our cause . " I was very confused . So many thoughts were running through my head - " This is crazy . Is this for real ? What am I doing here ? " " On the other hand , " I thought , " What if he 's right ? What if we are going to save the world ? What if now is the time Jesus is going to come back to earth and we are the people that will be helping Him ? " Then I thought , " Okay , either this is absolute insanity or it 's something real . The worst I can do is to give it a chance . If I find out it 's not real then I can always leave . " Besides , he had flattered me by telling me how special I was , and , I thought , " Wouldn 't it be great to be a hero . " It was all very vain . I don 't believe I was thinking of God very much . I was rather thinking of all the glory and praise I would receive for being brave . He was so happy ! He gave me a big hug and told me I was wonderful . As we walked down the hill , he said , " Now you know what it is to be a saint . " I didn 't believe that and thought there was something wrong with the interpretation . We went into the Chicken Palace and they were starting a big meeting before dinner . There was a lot of singing and then the lecture started . To my best recollection , the subject of the lecture was indemnity , the idea that when you do something wrong you have to pay for it . Although I don 't remember the lecture very clearly , what I do remember is that I kept wondering why I was there and whether it was real . " Tonight while I was meditating I prayed that God would tell me what to do in some concrete way I could understand . Well , I think he is trying to tell me that I should stay here for awhile , just to see what it 's about . " Immediately there was clapping and everyone smiling at me ; some were banging on the table with their forks and knives or other items . This lasted about a minute and finally subsided . It was a bit overwhelming . The feeling of confusion was still with me - I couldn 't be sure whether this was sheer insanity or something real . Later that night one of the leaders gave me a big hug and said , " I love you , " but somehow I didn 't believe her very much . I had just gotten through telling my spiritual mother that sometimes I resented authority very much and that I felt that way towards the leader who had hugged me . Actually , I think I was jealous of her because she seemed very chummy with the male leader of the group , Noah . " Oh , no , this is terrible , " I thought . I looked for some sympathy at the Moonie who was holding my hand , or rather so I could feel justified in what I was doing . " Hey , don 't cry , Mary . I 'm okay . I 'm having fun here . " At the time I didn 't really know that the farm was connected with Rev . Sun Myung Moon . They had never mentioned his name , or maybe only a few times , but I hadn 't made the connection with anything I knew about him . However , my sister had read something about him in the papers and that his organization owned a farm in Booneville . Unbeknownst to me , she had called the Booneville police and tried to find out about the farm . " I love you , too . Hey , I 'm okay . Really , I am . " To myself I said , " At least I think I am . " " I can 't explain what I 'm doing here . But right now it 's very important to me . Please try to understand . Tell mom and dad not to worry . " " Families sure like to worry , " I said to Fred , the guy who had been holding my hand during the conversation . " Well , you know how they are . " He didn 't seem very concerned , while I felt very upset . " She was crying , " I said . " It 's okay , " he said . " Just remember how important what we are doing here is . " We went into the meeting in the Chicken Palace . I was worried about my sister but I got caught up in the lecture and put it in the back of my mind . That whole weekend I was anxious , worried , and scared almost constantly because I had to call my parents , the C ____ s , my other boss ( Mr . H ___ ) , and also someone I was supposed to have an appointment with that coming week . I kept wondering what I was going to say to them and how they would react . To add to the problems , many people were getting diarrhea , apparently from something in the water . It was very uncomfortable for a lot of us . The diarrhea may also have been from what was a change in diet . There wasn 't a lot of meat in the diet , which typically consisted of something like granola , orange juice , and fruit for breakfast ; egg or tuna sandwich , lemonade , and oranges for lunch ; and vegetable casserole , green beans , corn bread , salad and milk for dinner . There was also a practice of sharing food that helped spread germs . It was a regular ritual at meals to give some of your food to the person next to you . This was discontinued when the diarrhea broke out . I think it was the following night that I had to call my parents . Sally , my so - called spiritual mother , came with me to give me " strength " and hold my hand while I was on the phone . I was really scared and I don 't know what possessed me to go through with it . I guess I wanted to feel that I could be separate from my parents and let them know somehow that I didn 't want them running my life . Anyway , Sally said I should not tell them anything specific about what I was doing or the purpose of it , because they would not understand . I had to agree with that . Even I didn 't understand what was going on , but I knew it was something I hadn 't tried before . I dialed the number and then my parents got on the phone , one on each extension . They asked how I was and sounded very worried . I told them not to worry . Then my mother said , " I have something important to talk about . " " Well , you know your father and I are getting on in years and we have been talking for a long time about putting together a will . The thing is that we hired a lawyer to draw it up and she wants everyone in the family to come and sign it . We have an appointment in a few days and you have to be there . " ( I don 't remember then if I believed this story - now it seems obvious it was just a way to get me to come home . ) " Oh , no , " I thought , " this is it . Now I have to tell them I 'm not coming home . " I looked at Sally . " They want me to come home and sign a will . What should I say ? " I whispered . " I can 't come home . I don 't know what to say to you except that what I 'm doing here is very important to me . Please trust me . " They were very upset . My older brother Anton got on the phone and said " You don 't know what you 're talking about . Who are you whispering to behind the phone ? Is someone telling you what to say ? " Finally I hung up after telling everybody not to worry and to please trust me . I felt very queer inside . I guess it was a feeling of guilt , but I didn 't want to admit it because I was supposed to be doing what was right . Sally tried to comfort me and said I was very brave ( stubborn is more like it ) . That night I could not sleep at all . My cold was turning into bronchitis and the only medicine they had was cough medicine which was not effective at all . I had to sit up most of the night because when I lay down I would start to cough . I felt tortured inside , mainly because of the way I had treated my parents . I told myself that I had to stay at Booneville for my ideals , but another part of me was secretly pleased that I was upsetting my parents as a way of revenge for their imagined ( or real ) wrongdoings . Deep down I knew that what I had done was wrong but I could not fully admit this to myself . The next important call I had to make was to the C ____ s . When I talked to Dr . C ____ ( who was a medical doctor ) , I could tell she was upset but she tried not to show it . I told her I would write her a letter and try to explain why I wasn 't coming home . Monday I had to call my boss at the insurance company , Mr . H ____ . He said that he would probably find somebody else to take my place since I would be away so long . I didn 't really care because I had never liked that job . I had no thought for how I might be disrupting his business or how my behavior reflected on the secretarial school that had helped me find a job with Mr . H ____ . It was after making one of these calls that I had a great feeling of exhilaration , which I shared with Laurie . I later thought to myself that it was because I had told Dr . C ____ very firmly but calmly that I would not be coming home for a while . Today we would call that " being assertive . " I had never before in my life been so direct about something that I thought another person would disapprove of . But why did I need a group like the Moonies to help me be assertive ? Why couldn 't I do it on my own ? And , was I doing it responsibly ? That morning I got assigned to a work crew for the apple orchard . While we were working , the crew was supposed to make up a song to present to the whole assembly after lunch . The song was supposed to express how happy we were on the farm and what ideal lives we would all lead eventually . I kept disagreeing with the head of the group about what we should sing . Later on I felt guilty because we were all supposed to cooperate in this thing . I told the leader and she said we all disagree at times and that is okay . I still felt she was a little irked at me anyway . The farm work was done in a primitive manner . I wondered , " Why , if they really want to produce a lot of food , don 't they have machines to do the work we 're doing ? " We had a group of six people all raking up rotten apples from under the trees . I could see a machine doing a much better job much faster . Trying to work on a song at the same time didn 't help matters either . When we had to leave for lunch , I felt like we hadn 't gotten very much work done . Actually , the entire operation was very primitive . After one or two people had taken a shower , the hot water ran out - so we either didn 't wash or washed in cold water . There was some trouble with the one washing machine for a couple of days , so for a while nobody had any clean clothes . The roads were all muddy in the rainy weather . The " Chicken Palace " , where the men had to sleep , was heated only by wood stoves ( this was January , and the temperature can get as low as 16 ° F or less at night ) . The shower that the men had to use was outdoors . I recall being told during the week that my illness was due to demons trying to get me to leave because it was a good place . During lectures when I would have a coughing spell , Sally or Laurie would tell me to chant silently to make it stop . The chanting would work for about 30 seconds and then I would start coughing again . The lectures were somewhat of a repetition of the previous week , about Adam & Eve , Christ , and about Moses and other prophets . Also the lectures explained in detail why people in our group were the only ones who would be saved , and therefore why we must get as many members as possible . The lecturer said that those people who had followed Moses in the past were candidates for heaven , but that they couldn 't enter heaven . They had to wait for Christ , who was to save everybody both spiritually and physically . Those who did " accept Christ " were allowed to be closer to the kingdom of heaven but still could not enter it because of the supposed failure of Christ in the physical sphere ( the failure to bear children ) . Therefore to enter completely into the kingdom of heaven , a person must " accept " the person referred to in the Bible as the Second Coming . Even people who now believe in Christ will not be saved if they do not believe in the " Lord of the Second Advent " ( as the Moonies call him ) , for they are to be compared to the Jews who did not accept Jesus . Sometime that week , my parents called and asked if they could come visit me . I said I would have to ask the person in charge but I was sure it was okay . They asked if they could come that weekend but that was not okay with Sally . She explained that they wouldn 't understand all the lectures and dodge ball games that we did on weekends . So , on the advice of Sally ( who said I should not miss the noon lecture ) , I told my parents that they should come on Friday at 2 p . m . When Friday came I was very nervous and scared . Sally and Laurie kept telling me that everything would be all right . I was not to tell my parents any specifics about my activities at the farm but only that we were a community of people working together for a better world . I attended the noon lecture as expected . At the close of the lecture we all filed out and went into the women 's trailer to eat lunch . We were still eating lunch when it came time for my parents to arrive . Sally said I should speak to Noah , the head of the camp , before I went to see my parents . So I obediently waited in the kitchen trailer until I was called in to what I assume was Noah 's room . I noticed how different it was from the sleeping quarters of everyone else . There were three single beds , all made up , at least two comfortable chairs , and lots of space . I was a little in awe of Noah , and tried to be agreeable with him . He commented that my parents probably had a lot of misconceptions about our group , from what they had read in the newspapers . He asked me if I had ever heard of Rev . Sun Myung Moon , and I answered that I knew vaguely of him . He asked me if I thought I had been brainwashed , if I felt forced to believe anything I had been told , and if I felt that I was being forced to stay there . I answered " No " to all of these questions . He reminded me that I hadn 't really made a commitment to the group as yet and that if my parents were to ask what I believed I would say that I was just trying out their ideas , which was true . He told me that he would come out after a while to speak to my parents personally . I was flattered . It was time to go . Sally met me outside the trailer . Before we walked down the road we said a prayer to help make me strong . I was to resist any demands my parents might make for me to come home because it was very important to make a commitment to God and I shouldn 't let my parents influence me . After the prayer , we crossed the bridge and started to walk down the road to another trailer which was situated near the entrance gate to the farm . After we climbed over a rise in the road , I saw my parents walking towards us . I had an impulse to run to them but thought that Sally would frown on it . However , she said , " Why don 't you run up to them ? " so I did . I met my mother first since she had been walking faster than my dad , who had rheumatoid arthritis . I gave her a big hug but tried to be on guard for her influencing me in any way . Then I saw my father . He looked pathetic , almost limping and looking like he was in great pain . I ran to him and hugged him . He was crying . I had never seen him cry before . I felt very sorry for him . I think that deep inside I felt that I had hurt him very much but I tried to deny my feelings by telling myself that he just wanted to make me feel sorry for him . We all walked down the road to the trailer and decided to sit down at a picnic table in front of it . My father looked distressed and my mother was trying to be kind and friendly , asking Sally about herself and also talking to the other two girls that had appeared from the trailer . Also , an older woman ( perhaps about 50 ) had joined us at the table . " What does your group do exactly ? " my mother asked . Sally explained that we were just a group of people trying to work together and learn how to love each other , that most of our work together was maintaining the farm and growing food . She did not go into detail about any of the philosophy . Mom said , " I 've brought some bananas ; they 're in the car . " I said , " I 'll go get them . " I ran to the car and was looking for the bananas as my mother approached . She said , " What are they teaching you here ? " I answered , " It 's okay , mom , I 'm having a lot of fun . There 's nothing wrong with it . " I said , " What are you talking about ? That 's silly . " ( At that time I had not been in the Moonies long enough to be told that Rev . Moon is the Second Coming of Christ and that he is superior to Jesus Christ . Therefore I was puzzled by my mother 's remark . Of course , she knew more about it than I did at the time , but I was unaware of that fact . ) We went back to the table , bringing the bananas . We had been given some peanut butter sandwiches , oranges and tea , and so proceeded to eat . Noah came out after some time and sat down with us . My parents asked him some questions : " What did you do before coming here ? " for example . Mom said , " Why haven 't you gotten Cathy some medicine for her cold ? " " I 'll have it taken care of . I 'll personally see to it that she 's okay . " He never did anything about it except to tell someone else to take care of it . That was a clue to me that at least some of the people here were not as concerned about the welfare of others as they claimed to be . In fact , Noah always seemed like a cold , aloof person to me . He appeared to be afraid of any real contact with anyone or of being asked too many questions . After Noah had left , mom said " I have a letter to read from Dr . C ____ , and she wants to talk to you about your decision to stay here . Sally looked concerned and said to my mother and me , " Let 's go into the trailer and talk about this in private " . Sally had reminded me earlier , " Pretend that you have nothing more than a slight cold and if you start to cough , suppress it . " When the three of us went into the trailer , mom said , " You look kind of pale and not well . " I said , " It 's only a slight cold , " but while continuing to talk I started to cough uncontrollably . Whenever , I would start to cough , Sally would look at me disapprovingly and my mother would ask for some medicine . Finally I was given some cough syrup that didn 't really help . During the conversation , I tried to answer my mother in such a way as not to say anything bad about my current experiences . " I need to try this out and refuse to go home at this time . " This was difficult for me because deep down , I really wanted to please my parents . I kept looking to Sally for support . After some more discussion , my mother took out the letter from Dr . C ____ and began to read it . We feel that your happiness is very important and that you must make your own decisions . However , since you have been employed by us , we feel that it is only fair that you return for at least one day to discuss your future . You need to decide whether you want to quit your job with us . Even if you do decide to leave our employ , you need to straighten out the office files and checkbook for the next person . My dad came into the trailer because it was getting cold outside . About six or eight of us were crowded around a little table in the trailer . Somebody made some hot chocolate . We talked about different things , perhaps politics or the weather . We also sang a few songs , the very idealistic ones that were common there , such as sung to the tune of " Hey , Ho , Nobody Home " . If I recall correctly , my dad sang a song from his land of birth , Hungary , and my mother ( also from Hungary ) joined in . It was an enjoyable time . The sun was beginning to set and mom said , " I 've got to call your brother Joe to let him know when we 're getting home . " So mom and I and Sally walked up the road to the pay phone and placed the call . We met a few of my Moonie companions there and they all said hello . After the phone call , my mother commented on how beautiful the surroundings were . The rolling hills and the cows walking about made her feel peaceful . She said " I wouldn 't mind staying in a place like this for a while . " We walked back to the trailer near the gate , first getting a couple of boxes out of the car with things for me in them . Included in the boxes was a quilt made for me by my sister , the book " The Prophet " , some beef jerky , walnuts , and two primrose plants . When Sally saw the primroses , she asked if I would give one to a leader of the camp and the other to the women 's trailer . I agreed . It was about time for my parents to leave . Mom asked , " Will you come home with us now to see Dr . C ____ , or will you wait until Monday ? " I didn 't know what to answer so I consulted Sally . She said , " It 's better to wait until Monday so as not to miss the weekend activities . " So I said to mom , " I 'll come home Monday , for just one day . " As we were about to walk to the car , Sally noticed the full moon rising over one of the hills on the farm . It was a beautiful sight , I had to admit . Sally said , " Why don 't we sing a song to it ? " This was innocent enough , I thought , and wanted to show my parents how happy I was ( or so I thought ) by singing . I didn 't realize until later the significance of singing to the moon , perhaps being a way of worshiping Reverend Moon . As we sang the song , a group of people were working in a nearby field , perhaps pulling weeds . My mother commented , " It 's cold and dark , and why are they working out there so late ? " I said , " It 's okay , it 's not that cold , and besides they have lanterns to see with and they 're enjoying themselves . " Finally it was time for my parents to leave , so they said " Goodbye , nice to meet you , " to everyone . They were disappointed that I wasn 't coming home with them , much more disappointed than they let on . As they drove off we waved goodbye . We walked up the road and everyone said what nice people my parents were . I guess I was kind of glad that things seemed to have gone so well . I think we sang a song as we walked up the road . During one of the lectures , we were visited by the wife of Dr . D ____ , a Korean woman named Onni . The more experienced Moonies seemed to have great respect for her . Before she began her lecture she sang the song " Exodus " . Her voice was very deep and beautiful . One thing I vaguely recall about her speech was her use , which delighted everyone , of the word " doo - da " . She said , " Some people might think that they can 't live up to the ideals put forward here , but that is doo - da . If you keep saying you can 't , you never will . It 's doo - da to think that you can 't . " I didn 't trust her very much . Even though I 'd decided to try out the Moonies , not knowing they were Moonies , I had retained some cynicism . I thought Onni was an interesting person , but was not willing to believe everything she told us . " Now , remember , your family loves you very much . They will try to get you to stay home . Also , this Dr . C ____ , do you like her a lot ? " I walked over to the group of vans waiting for passengers . We had to wait some time before the drivers showed up , so we sang some songs . One of the songs was in the style of 1950 's rock , with the shoo - bop - shoo - bop in the background . The words were simply and so on . One of the Moonie houses was located on Dana Street in Oakland . This was where we were headed and where I 'd eaten dinner that first night on January 2nd . Finally , Laurie showed up with Chuck . Jill , Connie and a third girl and myself got into the van with the guys . The men sat up in the front seats and the women sat on the floor in the back . One of the first things we did as we were driving along was to see which one of us could give the best lecture on Moonie philosophy . When each one had finished his turn , everyone applauded and congratulated him on how well he had done . About halfway to Oakland , we stopped at a grocery store to buy food . Most of it was junk food like potato chips , dip , and ice cream . It reminded me of my childhood when a group of my friends and I would go to the candy store and buy all the stuff that we knew we shouldn 't eat a lot of . Laurie insisted that we sing a song to the grocery clerk and so we did . The clerk had a pained expression on his face . It was a crazy thing to do , but also fun . We shared the food and when everyone had had their fill , some of us started to fall asleep , but I stayed awake . Laurie started to talk to me about how special I was and what good progress I was making . I told him I had a lot of doubts . As I recall , he told me not to worry , just to be strong . About 11 : 30 p . m . , we drove into Oakland , and after a short stop drove to the house . Some people were still awake ; they had apparently just finished a meeting . I waited in the kitchen until they said it was okay to come upstairs . Jill and I got out our sleeping bags . She found a nightgown for me . We decided we 'd get up about 6 : 30 a . m . She said , " When you live here , you get up that early every day . " Before we went to bed I looked at some of the books that were in the room . One of these was " The Divine Principle , " by Rev . Sun Myung Moon . This book contains some of the philosophy of Moon and of his followers . I don 't know if this book is available to the public , but for those interested , the following book may provide some information on the Moon philosophy : " The Moon Doctrine , " by J . Isamu Yamamota , Intervarsity Press , Downers Grove , Illinois . Other books that may be helpful are " Combatting Cult Mind Control " and " Releasing the Bonds : Empowering People to Think for Themselves " , both by Steve Hassan . One caution regarding the first book by Mr . Hassan is that the Cult Awareness Network , given as a resource , went bankrupt after the book was published and was taken over by the Scientology cult . This is noted on Mr . Hassan 's website www . freedomofmind . com . At 6 : 30 a . m . the alarm went off . After washing up , we went down to breakfast . That morning the leader of the group was a woman whom I 'd seen before at the farm named Bonnie , who had once been a nurse . She seemed very much in command of things and was giving out each person 's assignments for the day . For example , some of the people had to go out and sell flowers or incense or simply ask for donations . She gave a pep talk about how each person could make at least $ 100 a day because so - and - so went out every day and made at least $ 200 - 300 a day . After breakfast we split into smaller groups . In my group was a young man I hadn 't seen before who looked like he was about to collapse with fatigue . Laurie asked him when he had slept last . Even though it was a long time , I gathered that he was still expected to do some work that day , and that going without sleep is a good spiritual discipline . It was time to go to see Dr . Craig . Bonnie and I went out , after a brief talk with Laurie , who urged me to " be strong , " and also a prayer . We ran all the way to the bus stop . It was early in the morning , about 7 : 30 a . m . In about ten minutes the bus came and we got on . I seem to recall singing songs while we were on the bus . In downtown Berkeley we had to get off the bus to transfer . There we met Maybelle , Dr . Craig 's housekeeper . She got on the same bus we got on . I wondered what she thought of me , since I 'd been away for two weeks , and what the Craigs had told her to explain my absence . I felt uncomfortable . When we got to the Craigs ' home we all went in the back door and I said hello to the Craigs . They were just finishing breakfast . Professor Craig said , " Hello , stranger , " in his kind way . I introduced Bonnie to Dr . Craig , who was kind enough but promptly told the girl that she would have to leave while we did our business . We arranged that my mother would come and pick her up and go back to my parent 's house with her until noon , and then bring Bonnie back to the Craigs ' house . I went into the Dr . Craig 's home office and started working on the office checkbook . I had a terrible case of bronchitis but was trying to conceal it from Dr . Craig . I insisted that I felt fine but my ruse didn 't work . She said , " After you finish working , I 'll give you an examination , and we must also have a talk about your future with us or with the Moonies , wherever you decide to go . " I agreed to talk . So when the work was done , she listened with a stethoscope to my breathing and decided I needed some medicine . When we sat down to talk she asked , " Why did you go away ? " I thought for a moment and answered something like , " Well , I was very lonely and bored here and had to get away . " She asked , " Did you know that the place where you stayed is surrounded by barbed wire fences ? That doesn 't sound like a very free place to me . " " No , " I answered , " are you sure ? There were fences , but I don 't remember any barbed wire . " I don 't remember other details of the conversation , but it had planted a seed of doubt in my mind . Soon it was time for lunch . The Craigs , Maybelle , and I sat down for the usual soup , crackers and cheese . I felt tense , but also felt that considering everything , they were being quite kind to me . Noticing that fact , I began to think how much the Craigs meant to me , and also what the Moonies meant to me . The conflict between the two forces seemed too much and I left the table because I was beginning to cry . At that moment my mother and Bonnie returned . As I sat in the bathroom in confusion , my world felt like an incomprehensible jumble . My needs for companionship with people my own age and for affection seemed to be in direct conflict with the love I felt for my parents and the Craigs and with the need to be responsible and moral . I felt like a helpless child . My mother knocked on the bathroom door and asked to come in . " Okay , " I mumbled . She came in and began to talk , asking , " Cathy , do you really want to go back ? " I didn 't know what I wanted , but I was tired and confused and finally said , " I think I want to stay here for a while . " As I said this , Bonnie came to the door , and exclaimed , " No , you don 't mean that , do you ? " I mumbled something and Bonnie said , " I 'm sorry that I haven 't loved you For a while I just lay there feeling sick , physically and mentally . Then I tried to logically figure out what I should do . On the one hand , my parents were very upset , the Craigs needed me , and I felt guilty for leaving them . On the other hand , I desperately wanted the companionship of people my own age . For some reason I had not developed a healthy companionship with my own age group , as would be normal . There were painful issues I hadn 't dealt with or understood , and the Moonies provided an escape , a place where I wouldn 't have to think about those issues . In the end , I unconsciously decided to go back - what if they were right ? What if I could really be happy there ? Maybe I could escape from my family - not face the problems of feeling that I and they were inadequate in some way . I could be with people my own age without the responsibility of facing my real adult problems . After some time , about one or two hours , my mother returned . We talked for a while and she asked , " How are you feeling ? " In just a few minutes , there was a knock at the back door , which was near my little bedroom off the kitchen . Bonnie had returned , along with Laurie . Mom said , " Don 't open the door . " " It 's okay , mom , " I said . " It 's just Laurie and Bonnie , " and I opened the door . Laurie said , " I 've got to talk to you , it 's very important . " " Don 't talk to him , " my mom said . " It 's okay , don 't worry , mom . " So I went outside with Laurie to the little gazebo which the Craigs had in their back yard . As he talked to me his eyes had a glazed look . He urged me to return with him and Bonnie . I said I was confused and should be allowed to make up my own mind . Meanwhile my mom was at the back porch telling me not to listen to him . After a few minutes of being exhorted by both Laurie and my mother , I said loudly to everyone , " I can 't make up my mind so I will pray about it , by myself . " Everyone agreed to this and I walked over to the patio out of range of the insistent voices . I asked God to help me know what I should do . Soon , although I didn 't know it , my prayer would be answered . After a few minutes I walked back to the group and announced that I would be going back with Laurie and Bonnie . My mom said , " Okay , it 's up to you . " She told me later that she had put the whole matter in God 's hands , letting him handle the situation , and not trying on her own efforts to save the situation . Laurie and Bonnie were delighted . I gathered a few things including clean clothes . My mother handed me some money . I said goodbye to the Craigs . They didn 't seem overly concerned about me . The car we were to leave in was parked uphill on a steep street near the Craigs ' house on Marin Avenue in Berkeley . Laurie could not start the car , so we had to get out and push . I 'm not sure how we did that on an uphill incline , but we did get it started . Laurie yelled emphatically , " Get in ! " and then he quickly jumped in and slammed his door . The door window shattered into hundreds of little pieces which scattered all over the seats and the rest of the car . Then Laurie said , " You see , that is the devils trying to keep us from leaving . " It was then that I knew that he was crazy and from that moment on I earnestly struggled with the thought of leaving the Moonies . I was not able or willing to state right then and there that I wanted to leave . Knowing my vulnerability to persuasion , especially from Laurie , I believed they would convince me to change my mind again . So in the car I desperately struggled with my conscience . We made a stop at the Oakland house on Dana Street . As I recall , we all got out and went inside . The three of us went upstairs . Laurie said , " We should pray - let 's go into Onni 's room . " I noticed that Onni 's room was very nicely furnished with a comfortable looking bed and a dressing table . Laurie prayed for me to be strong . When we were done he said , " Bonnie has to stay here , so two other people are going to take you to San Francisco and then back to the farm . " These were two Moonies I didn 't know well . We drove on to San Francisco and stopped at the Moonie house there . As I got out of the car , two people standing in front of the house asked me if I were new to the group . " Yes , " I said . They showed me some magazine articles they had about Moon and some of his quotations . Then what they said next struck me as very true . " Be careful . They will try to twist your mind around . You can say one thing and they will make you believe the opposite . " As we stood there talking , a Moonie looked on apprehensively . I went up the stairs into the house . I still felt quite sick and sat down . I asked if I could call my father . " Yes , there 's a phone near the kitchen . " As I walked in , the people said hello and were very friendly . I dialed my dad 's work phone . I said , " I 'm going back to the Moonie camp . " I could tell he was crying a little as he said , " If you ever need a ride home , anytime , just call me . " I wanted to say , " Please come now , please come now , " but somehow I wanted to get out of the situation on my own . I went back to the hallway and sat down on the stairs in a miserable state . I must have looked miserable , too , for the girl who had been in the car on the drive to San Francisco asked if I would like some tea to make me feel better . I told her weakly that I wanted to go home . She said , " Oh , you mustn 't feel negative . You 're just sick and when you feel better you will want to stay here . " " I want to go home , " I said , more forcefully this time . " Why don 't you just go upstairs and rest for a while , " said the girl . " I don 't want to , I want to go home . You people are crazy , " I answered . Then Bob , the guy who had driven the car from Oakland , said , " Why don 't you come in here and we 'll talk about this , " showing me a room off to one side of the hallway . I was suspicious and thought , " If I 'm alone with him , he 'll easily persuade me to stay . " " No thanks , I want my things and I 'm leaving . " " Now you know what you want to do . You know how important our work here is . The devils are trying to make you leave . " He continued his attempts to persuade me . It seemed that underneath his words was a feeling of fear . We were out on the porch now . I said , " Listen , you guys say we have a free will . Well , I 'm exercising my free will and if I find I 'm wrong , maybe I 'll be back . If you really believe I have a free will , you have to let me go . " He finally gave up and got my things from the car . The people that had been standing in front of the house spoke to me . I found out they were from a group called " Eclipse " , an obvious reference to their opposition to Moon . " How did you decide to leave ? " they asked me . " Well , what you said really struck me , about how they can turn your mind around . It 's really true . And I 've hurt too many people . " I thought about my dad crying , my mom , and the Craigs . As I waved goodbye , they shouted , " Stay free ! " The story didn 't end on that San Francisco street . Not only was it a miracle that I had asserted myself and stood up to the Moonies , it was also somewhat of a miracle for me just getting home from there . This was because I didn 't know the city at all , it was starting to get dark , and I was not used to independently traveling in unfamiliar to places . But the same Moonie girl who had tried to keep me from leaving had told me what bus to take to the subway station , and just as I got to the corner the appropriate bus arrived . I didn 't have change , only the money that my mom had given me that afternoon ( another gift from God ) . I asked someone for change and was kindly given some . The bus arrived at the subway station and my train arrived shortly thereafter . I felt like I had just escaped from a prison camp . Soon I was on the bus to the Craigs ' house . On arriving , I approached the back door , hoping they wouldn 't be angry and would accept me back . Professor Craig opened the door , and I asked him somewhat tongue - in - cheek , " Do you have any openings for a live - in secretary ? " He smiled and said , " Come in . " The Craigs seemed to have no hard feelings and they were glad that I was back . I called my parents and dad said , " I 'll be right over . " The following day I was in bed trying to recover from my illness . My mother was visiting me in my room . There was a knock at the back door near my bedroom . It was Laurie . He asked Maybelle , who had opened the door , if he could see me . She thought he was a friend so she opened the door . My mom , hearing his voice , immediately shut my bedroom door and leaned against it . She shouted through the door " You cannot see Cathy - she 's sick . Please leave . " He kept insisting on seeing me . I still had mixed feelings about him and I yelled , " I love you , Laurie , but I can 't do what you 're doing . " He still kept insisting on talking to me and my mom kept telling him to leave . At this point , Professor Craig came into the kitchen . When he saw what was happening , he said to Laurie , " You 'd better get out of here , and if you ever come back , you 'd better have the police on your side . " Laurie left . Then he began to harass my parents . They received phone calls every day . My mom received a house plant and a letter . My dad told Laurie not to call back anymore , but Laurie ignored the request . Several days after my return , my mom thought I should meet the deprogrammer my parents had consulted during my absence . A deprogrammer is supposed to help free an indoctrinated person 's thinking through reeducation . The deprogrammer came over to the Craigs ' house with my father . I felt uncomfortable when he gave me a big hug , as if some stranger on the street had kissed me . He acted like we were close friends . My dad and I and the deprogrammer talked for a half hour or so , after which the deprogrammer decided that I was okay and was not going to run back to the Moonies . He left and wished me luck . I don 't know enough to say whether deprogramming is a good method to bring a person out of cult thinking . My gut sense is that it uses the same tactics the cultists use , but I could be mistaken . I believe what worked for me was that there were people in my life who were allowing me to make up my own mind . I can cite several points which led me to make my decision to leave : My dad and I decided that it would be a good idea for me to leave the Craigs for a week or two so I could recuperate and perhaps also to protect me from Laurie . We felt not a little paranoid about him . We decided I would stay with my godparents for a week . [ My godmother , whom I usually call my aunt , now lives in a retirement residence and has dementia ] . My dad was to drive me to their house . Dad came over and said we had to go by his house for a few minutes . So we drove to my parents ' house first . My dad got the things he needed . We were just going out the door when Laurie 's car drove up ! My dad said to me , " Get back inside , I 'll take care of this . " He went out and shut the door behind him . After five to ten minutes , dad came back in . He was pretty furious with Laurie . Dad said , " I told Laurie " I don 't get mad easily , but when I do I can be dangerous . You must never bother my wife and I or my daughter again or something bad could happen . You Moonies are like the Nazis . If you realized what you were doing you would hide in shame . " Dad continued , " After I said that to him , he told me that of all the parents he had spoken to , I was one of the ones he most respected ! " Laurie never visited my parents ' house again , and he could not call them anymore because my parents got an unlisted number . However , for a long time , I feared that I might see him or some other Moonies on the street . As I write this epilogue in 2004 , it 's been about twenty - eight years now since all these events occurred . Many good changes occurred as a result - as someone has said , " God uses the things he hates to accomplish the things he loves . " In my case , it was an awakening for me to turn back to my Christian faith , to deeply examine it and make it a living reality , not just a nice thing that people do on Sundays . My family became more affectionate . We began to hug each other a lot more and I believe there was improvement in our communication . I realized that my family loved me more than I was aware of . I took part in counseling , including group therapy where I learned to be more comfortable around my peers . I still go to counseling from time to time to deal with family and personal issues . As a result of my experience , I 'm deeply interested in the Bible and it has become personal to me , partly because I believe if I had known the Bible better and studied it , I might not have been as vulnerable to the deceptions of the Moonies . [ As it was , the part of the Bible I did know helped me be more skeptical of their philosophy . ] Of course , they are free to believe what they want , but should not be free to deceive and manipulate people . Jesus is real to me and He has helped me heal , mostly in the area of negative thinking . I believe that the closer we are to Jesus , the less vulnerable we are to deception . One of the best ways to know Jesus is to read and study the Bible and meditate on it , and to spend time with healthy , well - balanced Christians . However , I also know each person must have the freedom to make his own choice about his beliefs , and I respect those whose beliefs differ from mine . I 'm sure that psychologists , sociologists , and theologians could have an interesting time analyzing what happened to me and why . Whether through ignorance or some wrong choices , I made my family into a god , expecting them to fulfill all my needs . My depression seems to happen when I put my hope in my family rather than the power of God to change me and to change others . People , no matter how good , will sometimes let you down . Even the best people will hurt you at times , if unintentionally . God is the only one who always wants good for us , even in bad times . If some loved one is letting you down , ask God for wisdom and the power to forgive . You may still need intensive counseling from a wise person to be able to handle serious problems . Freedom is a precious gift . There are some situations in which a person has to be left to make his own decision , even if one feels that the person is doing something totally foolish . If we try on our own to fix the person or the situation , we take away their power to make a choice . That person will be forever at the mercy of those who would manipulate , persuade , and deceive . It takes faith to let go of another , as my mother did when she said , " Okay , it 's up to you , " not because she didn 't care but because she knew it was not in her power to change my mind . She had the faith to believe that God would somehow work through the situation to make it come out right . Dr . Craig was especially magnanimous . I don 't think many employers would be so forgiving . And I am grateful to the numerous people who prayed for me during this ordeal . COPYRIGHT © C . N . Rodeheffer and clarakatalin . wordpress . com , 2012 - 2017 . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to C . N . Rodeheffer and clarakatalin . wordrpress . com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . |
Another day in the mine . That 's all it was . Everyone went about their assigned duties and paid no mind to anyone unless it was necessary to accomplish whatever they were required to do in order to receive their weekly paychecks . Mark Gideon melted into the sea of vests and hardhats with ease . As focused as every other body that passed him by . He drifted into a line to the right that ambled on past the pickaxes and giant gas - powered chisels that lined the wall of the storage shed . As he passed the shed , he grabbed a pickaxe and it was off to the elevator . The sun glared in the bright blue Minnesota sky . He wiped away a pool of sweat that built up on his forehead . Gosh , he hated his job . Twelve hours deep down in the boiling heat of the thin , crusty shell of Earth was detrimental to his health . His wife was always complaining and asking him why he took this job . It provides a good source of income , he thought to himself . And since I can 't find anything else , it 's my only choice right now . Born in Indiana , he was used to the manual labor . He was the classic farm boy , of a sort . From the day he opened his eyes and took his first breath to the day he left for college , his good old daddy raised him to eliminate the daily chores without any fuss . Each day he would wake up , go to school , come back , work on the farm , and then finish his homework in the last hours of the day . Whereas most kids longed for summer , he dreaded it . The summer meant more work because his duties on the farm would increase twofold . As a side job , his father was also the pastor at the local church . The man was a strong believer in everything he preached . Jesus is this . Jesus is that . Jesus makes the world go ' round . Blah - blah - blah . Yadda - yadda - yadda . And yet all Jesus ever did for the old fool was give him cancer . All he did was condemn the poor man to a year and nine months in a hospital bed before an unnecessary end . Jesus is fair , Son . No , Dad . He 's not . No matter how hard he tried to get his old man to admit that Jesus had wronged him , he wouldn 't listen . He was like the Job of modern times . Lose just about everything you have and just keep on kicking . That was Daddy . The elevator gate closed on him and a group of his fellow pickaxers , and there was no turning back . The point of no return had been reached . He listened musingly to the clacking of the metal as the steel box descended to the tunnels . Luckily for him , he was working in the first tunnel which was closer to the surface than the others . If an accident occurred , he had a better chance than those in the lower tunnels . But it was still slim . They could hear the low drumming of power drills below . As they listened , they walked on in silence . Mark glanced at Tom and was shocked to see that he had become serious . He turned away just in time to see the supply closet that would become his best friend for the next hour or so . " Be careful , Mark . I don 't need to tell you how dangerous this job is . Just be careful . Your family needs you in their life . It wouldn 't be the same without you . Be careful . And as soon as the opportunity arises , get away from here and find a job somewhere else , a safer job . " " Okay , " Tom replied . " I 'll let you go then . Have fun and have a good day , just in case I don 't see you again before we leave . " Mark nodded and began chipping away . As the manager moved on , he began thinking about his family again . After high school , he had managed to save up enough money between a part - time job and his weekly cut of the money raised on the farm to slip him through college . The average frat boy , partying consumed a lot of his college life ( though he did manage to keep a high GPA ) . When he entered , he did not know what he wanted to major in . But as time went on , he grew to love the beauty and complexity of literature and began a track toward a degree in English . His goal was to be a fiction author . But whenever he decided to sit down and begin a manuscript , he would discover that there were more important things to be done , and thus , never successfully finished a story . Along with partying and English , he was a short - distance runner for the track team , where he met his wife . A runner for both the short - distance and long - distance teams , the future Cassadie Gideon appealed to his senses immediately . Her beauty was beyond comprehension . The sun reflected off her qualities with a divine radiance . Her short blue athletic shorts tightened to her legs majestically and created a mystical aura around her . Her bosom was plump and formed perfectly to her slender body . She exhibited the tiniest amount of body fat . And her skin was flawless . But what interested him most was her kind and generous personality . No matter the circumstance , a smile was on her face as if it were super - glued in place . And what a beautiful smile it was ! He was awestruck by it every time he saw her . The day he asked her out was nearly a disaster . It was around noon on one of his days off from class , if he recalled correctly . He was walking the campus alone , visiting different friends and ignoring schoolwork for as long as possible . After a while , he decided to walk into town and visit the different shops and / or stores that competed for business down every street . As he was about to enter a spiffy - looking book store , he saw Cassadie through the window . She was alone . This was his chance and he knew it . But he looked like a homeless bum . He 'd had a feeling his choice of attire that day would be problematic , but he 'd underestimated how problematic . He had to do something to make up for his flaws . There was a florist down the street . Though he and she were just friends he 'd learned a lot about her , and he knew that orchids were her favorite flowers . He ran as fast as he could and bought a small bouquet of them ( that was all he could afford at the time ) just for her . When he returned , she was right where he had left her , skimming through a Reader 's Digest . While the pages flipped at a moderate pace , he slipped in and entered the isle she was in . At first , she continued reading , and he stood there admiring her beauty . After a few seconds had passed , she slowly raised her head and noticed the figure beside her in the isle . When she had fully turned to him , he removed the flowers from behind him into her view . He was scared of what might happen , but to his surprise , she smiled . He handed the flowers to her , and she began to sniff them with her perfectly - molded nose . Her face appeared to be swallowed by the plant . As he watched her enjoy his gift , he asked her . She looked up at him and pleasantly answered with a kiss . They kissed for what seemed like hours as everyone else in the store erupted in applause . She was the only girl he had ever loved , and now , she was his . They dated for two years . Then , as they walked hand - in - hand through the campus garden one evening in May , he proposed . They waited until they had finished college and were then wed in a Pentecostal Church down the street from his parents ' house . His father , as it stands , was actually the man they had both agreed should lead the ceremony . Over the next few years , he 'd acquired a house in a casual , suburban Minnesota neighborhood with some left - over college money and a loan from the bank . It was roomy , fresh , and came with at least an acre of land . But it was by no means a rich man 's house . It was just as average as all the other houses in the neighborhood . Now , he needed a job . Cassadie had majored in accounting and managed to find a job at a local bank , but that income alone was not enough to make a living , especially since both of them wanted children as much as they did . He sent out several applications and was finally accepted for a position as a high school English teacher . Two years in , Kelly came along . It was the best moment of their lives and they 'd decided that they wanted more children . Soon , they had four , total , and that 's when things got bad . Space in the house was becoming insufficient . They had to buy a large place in a residential neighborhood near his parents ' farm . To add to this , his father 's cancer was in full swing , and he spent several nights in the hospital talking with him about numerous subjects , just to pass the time . When he passed , they had to help his mother cover the funeral expenses . But both of these just added to the worst of all : He lost his job at the school . The school system as low on profit , and it began to make cutbacks . Unfortunately for him , his school decided to revamp the entire English department . He was let go with about four others . Back on the market , he needed a job badly , and he only had one option : mining . Since the job market was overflowing , it was his only choice . Though it was small pay , it helped . It was . . . Boom ! Everyone looked up as a large , violent roaring sound shook the ground beneath them . Mark looked down the tunnel and saw a dim orange glow that was getting closer by the second . Suddenly , men came running around the bend toward him screaming , " Run ! " Men continued to run past him . As they did , he stood staring at the growing glow as if hypnotized by it . What could he do ? If he followed the men , he would end up trapped in the congestion at the other end of the tunnel as men waited impatiently for the elevator that wouldn 't come fast enough to save them from the flames . If he . . . The closet ! It was small , but he could last in there for a while . And it was to the side of the tunnel . The flames might go right past it without coming inside because of the speed at which they were traveling . It wasn 't the greatest choice , but it was better than the others . He began to run with the crowd , carefully shifting lanes in an effort to reach the closet on the left side . He heard screaming to his right and looked over just in time to see a fallen man being trampled under the feet of his comrades . The terrible crunching of his bones sent a shiver of terror through Mark . As he ran on , the orange glow grew behind him and became a yellowish - white . He was worried by how close it was and the fact that he still couldn 't see the closet . Was it really that far back ? The overhead lamps began to pop behind him . Where was it ? Finally , it came into his line of sight . He made one final shift and prepared to jump for it . He could now hear the steady roar of the angry flames and felt the immense heat begin to trickle down his back . As he neared it , he noticed that the doors were open . Maybe someone else had gotten the same idea he had . He sprang inside and rolled against something . A sharp pain entered his arm . " Get in here ! " he yelled to the other men as they ran past . One man heard him and made a jump for the closet . He was nearly there when a violent gust of air grabbed him mid - air and slammed him into the steel edge of the closet door . The edge of the door connected with the back of his neck and ripped his head from his shoulders . The head rolled toward Mark and then swerved and made rest next to a couple of empty carbon dioxide canisters . The decapitated man was followed by a bright light as the flames blew past the closet . It was so bright that Mark had to close his eyes to keep them from being seared in their sockets . He kept them shut until the roar died away and was followed by a grinding , gravelly sound . When he opened them again , the exit was sealed off . A giant mound of rocks and dirt sloped into the closet . It was just as he suspected . The gravelly sound he heard was the roof of the tunnel caving in due to the heat . After a few seconds staring at the former tunnel ceiling , he realized he was crying . Whether it was the fact that he had watched two men die , the fact that he was , now , trapped from the outside world and might die , or the fact that the severed head was beginning to smell horrible he did not know , but he was crying , nonetheless . Two of the problems he couldn 't fix , but he could at least muffle the smell of the head if he had something to cover it with . He looked around and finally located a blanket covering some other canisters ( what they were filled with he did not know ) . He threw it over the head as quickly as possible and immediately noticed a decrease in the strength of the stench . Now , he needed to find a way to get out . Judging by the size of the closet he estimated about two hours worth of oxygen . He searched around for something he could use . There was a pick axe . But even though the roof had caved , the methane would still be there . One spark would set it off again . It was in the miner 's handbook they had given him the day he had gotten the job . What could he do ? He fell to the floor and tried to catch his breath . Panic was setting in . But he couldn 't let it beat him . His ( your ) family ( needs ) wouldn 't be the same without ( you ) and lose there minds before they could reach safety . They would die because they had simply given up . But he was different . He was strong . He was better than panic . It could be bested , and he was determined to defeat it . In an effort to keep his mind from giving in , he closed his eyes and went back to that dreadful day when he had watched his father take his last breaths . That day he had held his father 's hand and cried as the poor man went ( so the old coot had believed ) to see the good Lord . He remembered it as if it were yesterday . He could see his father 's hand in his own . The rest of his family surrounded the hospital bed and watched them both stare into each others ' eyes as he withered away . Though he did not believe a word his father had said to him about Jesus and / or God over the years , he could not deny that there was a strange presence in that room . Yes , there was the family , but there was also something else he could not name . And his father knew . He knew more than his own son that something was there . But , unlike Mark , he knew what it was . And knowing seemed to give him peace . It was something piquant and pleasant for him . Something that seemed to enter his mind and tell him that everything was going to be alright . That his family was going to live on . That he had done his job on Earth , and it was time for him to move on to the next step ( whatever that was ) . that a deep ache entered Mark 's heart and began to reap havoc throughout his body . The pain swelled so deep and became so harsh that he thought he was going to die himself . Though his father was a confused man , he loved the fool . And now that he was gone , Mark lay with his face planted into his chest and cried hard . The hospital gown that covered the old man 's body was covered in a grayish stain . If it weren 't for the fact that his wife and kids were with him in the room ( except for his youngest child who was only four months old ) he probably would 've died , because the pain was too much . But they were there with him . His wife stood behind him and stroked his back with her hand . He remembered that feeling of renewed comfort as she did so , and was beginning to feel re - energized as he sat in the closet alone . What was that ? He thought he heard a noise coming from the left wall . It sounded like the sharpened tip of a pickaxe slamming against the closet 's metal coating . Maybe it was just his imagination . There it was again . He crept over to the wall and put his left ear against it . As he did , he noticed that his shirt was drenched in sweat . The heat was increasing by the minute , or so it felt . " I don 't know . But it 's here . I managed to squeeze my way in just before the fire passed by . What 's that there you 're in ? " " This isn 't a pickaxe . It 's a piece of one of the wooden beams that broke off during the fire . I 'm not crazy . I read the same handbook . " Mark shifted so that his back was against the wall . " Some guy tried to jump in with me before the fire , but the draft at the head of the flames picked him up and slammed him into the edge of the door . The back of his neck 's what hit . Ripped his head right off . " " There 's good room , " Tom replied . " But the cave - in threw rocks and dirt all over me . Also , I think a beam fell on my leg because it hurts like you would never imagine , and I can 't move it worth a crap . I think it 's broken . " Their conversation continued for about an hour . Both of them were just happy they weren 't alone . The situation was desperate , and they knew that they would probably end up dead before they could be reached . But the worst thing to do was lose hope . Mark could feel those same feelings of panic begin to rise again , and he knew he had to suppress them . He had heard stories about miners who had been trapped before , stories about miners who had been trapped and died because they had given up hope , and began killing each other or just died because they and their bodies didn 't want to try anymore . Before long , he found himself doing something he never thought he would ever be doing in his life : praying . He prayed hard , as hard as he had cried into his father 's chest , for protection and guidance . He had nothing else to fall back on . So he took this one moment to put his trust in his father 's God . If it worked , he would believe . If not , he would just die and see what happened next . " Well , in that case , I 'm a little uncomfortable . This rock blanket is terrible . I 'm gonna call the front desk and give them a piece . . . " " I don 't know . Praying may not do anything . But I 'm out of options right now . Maybe someone will find us . I can 't just give up hope . " There was a long , uncomfortable silence . Whatever was keeping Tom , it made him nervous . Finally , he replied . " I don 't think anyone is coming for us , man . " Just then , as if right on cue , Mark heard a gravelly sound from above , like that of a shovel being pushed into the Earth . Tom began to talk - cough again , but he stopped him . He continued to listen and heard it again . Someone was digging above them . There was no doubt in his mind . He began to search the closet for something to use while Tom started up again . " Mark , if they 're there , let them dig . They 'll find us . " " But what if they don 't , Tom ? They might not be able to get down here . If that happens , they 'll move on to somewhere else down the line . " Tom coughed up a painful chuckle at this . It was the laugh of a life - long smoker , someone who couldn 't breathe . " I definitely think I underestimated my air time , " he admitted . With that , he turned to the closet . Though it was small , there were more items in it than he had expected there would be . From what he saw , there were a few pairs of construction goggles , a box of zip - ties , several carbon dioxide canisters , a row of pickaxes , and a hose that tied to the canisters . In order to reach the surface , he needed an oxygen supply and something to protect his eyes . He had the eye protection with the goggles , but what could he use for an oxygen supply ? I 've got it , he thought . He picked up the hose and stretched it out slowly measuring it with his hands . It was about forty feet . If the surface had caved in enough , he might be able to survive by breathing through the hose . Whether it was long enough , he didn 't know , but he had to take a chance . And he needed to move quickly . He used one of the pickaxes to pop the nozzle off the end of the hose . All that was left was the tube of the hose through which he could at least accomplish some labored breathing . Next , he moved to the blanket he had thrown over the head and used the pickaxe , once more , to cut three small strips from its fabric . Next , he had to put it all together . He grabbed the box of zip - ties and removed three of them . With them , he used two to tie the tube to the back of his left arm , far enough up so that he could wrap the end around and into his mouth . Since they were large zip - ties , he was able to use the last one to tie the three pieces of cloth to his face : one over his nose and the other two over his ears . The last thing was eye protection . He grabbed the goggles and fixed that problem quickly . When he was finished , he looked like the killer in a Stephen King novel . With that , he put the tube in his mouth and began to dig into the gravel . The air was nasty , but at least he could breath . He knew the taste of the tube would be stuck in his mouth for weeks to come , but being able to breathe was better than nothing . After a few minutes , he had removed a good majority of the rocks and prepared a large indent of soft dirt in the pile . He took his cloth - covered head and stuck it into the dirt . Once it was in , he wiggled his body in with it until he was submerged in the debris . The dirt gave easily and allowed him to move his limbs slowly but surely . He felt like he was swimming in a vat of quicksand . Though it moved easily , it was also heavy on his abdomen , and he thought his ribcage was going to collapse . When he encountered rocks , he could not move them . The dirt seemed to lock them in place . Thus , he had to go over them or around them . But he was moving up and he was still alive . That was all that mattered . This must be what a mole feels like , he thought to himself as he wormed his way to the surface . Suddenly , the charred remains of a fellow coworker appeared in front of his face . The only reason he saw them was because some hot coals still flickered on the man 's baked skin . The man 's face was that of someone in deep agony . His teeth were jammed against each other as if he were biting down in an effort to create another form of pain that might counteract the burning sensation of the flames . Mark was overwhelmed by the stench and was drawn to tears as he wiggled on . Oxygen stopped coming through the tube . Had he seriously traveled forty feet already ? He held his breath and began pushing on further , as quickly as possible . He had to reach the surface . It couldn 't end like this . Not now . Panic began to set in again , only this time he could do nothing to stop it . This was not how it was supposed to be . He promised . He promised Tom he would be back . He was about to faint from lack of air when his hand broke through the surface and into the beautiful atmosphere . That was all he could manage . His strength was used up . He tried to yell out , but there was nothing to push past his vocal cords . Following that , everything became a blur . He remembered feeling two hands grip his hand . He remembered feeling the weight of the Earth ease around him and the blistering hot sun covering his face . Then he passed out . He lay resting and looked up at the sky . He noticed that they had not moved him from where he had come out . He lay in the same exact spot facing toward Tom 's crevice . " So who do I have to thank for pulling me out of that nightmare ? " he asked . The man smiled and looked at the woman then back to Mark . " I 'm Luke and this is my wife Gabriel . We 're from Alabama . We were passing by to go see my folks when the explosion happened . We swerved faster than you would ever believe and hurried over here . While Gabriel was calling it in , I began digging with this here shovel . " He held the shovel out toward Mark . So he dozed . And , for some unforeseen reason , he believed her . Luke was strange ( his overalls and striped red and white shirt didn 't help ) , but he had a cheery side to him that Mark had never seen in anyone before . Gabriel was also just as kind , but she seemed to take the situation more seriously than he did . Though wrinkles covered her face , she didn 't look a day over forty . And they both seemed to shine with some hidden force that seemed so familiar to him . He didn 't understand why . It took him a while to figure it out , but he finally realized what it was . It was The Presence , the same presence that had comforted his father as he died in that hospital bed . There was more to these people than he could see on the outside , more than human . When he woke , she was still there as she had promised . But he heard Luke call for her . She assured him that she 'd be back and then ran off . And he dozed off again . The next time he woke , he woke to the voices of many people . They were coming from the other end of the mine . And Luke and Gabriel were gone . The shovel lay beside him and they were just gone . That was strange . Where could they have gone in such a hurry ? They didn 't sound like they were in such dire need to get to Luke 's family that that would 've taken precedence over what was going on here . She knelt beside him and lifted him up with her arms . For the first time , he realized that the cloths and zip - ties were gone , and the goggles and the tube lay motionless beside him . She began kissing him all over his face in a frantic display of affection as tears streamed down her face . " Are you okay ? " she asked . " Are you hurt ? " He picked up the tube , and noticed something strange . Next to the tube , drawn in the dirt , was a cross and underneath it was written , Was that fair enough ? He couldn 't help but smile as he read the end . Below the message was written , Sincerely , J . C . , followed by a smiley face . They grasped each other tightly . Neither of them wanted to let go . He stroked her hair and looked up into the bright blue sky . As he held her close , the pieces began to fit . Luke and Gabriel weren 't ordinary human beings after all . In fact , they weren 't humans at all . What he had been a part of was no ordinary experience . His prayer had been answered . What he had witnessed was an act of God . Read more by clicking on a link : Free Reprints Main Site Articles Most Read Articles Highly Acclaimed Challenge Articles . New Release Christian Books for Free for a Simple Review . NEW - Surprise Me With an Article - Click here for a random URL God is Not Against You - He Came on an All Out Rescue Mission to Save You |
Although we 've been out here for eleven years and have had to make such decisions in the past , this was by far the hardest . Even as I type this , I continue to question if it was the right decision . When the lamb was born without an anus and the kid was born with its intestines outside of its body , it was so obvious that we needed to end their lives . Today 's decision was simply not that obvious or easy . One thing I learned from this is that there is a big difference between survival and recovery . Even if one of the does managed to survive , her odds of recovering would not be good . She might forever be unable to walk and could possibly have other neurological problems for the rest of her life . One could certainly not breed a doe that can 't walk , and because the uterus is a muscle , we have no way of knowing if she would even be able to give birth . Even if the kids were born , how would they nurse from a mother who can 't stand ? Katy the llama is an experienced mother , and Oscar is almost four months old , so he is smart enough to find her teats even though she 's laying down . But one of the things that we 've learned with Katy over the past week is that an animal 's condition can continue to worsen before the meningeal worms are killed by the treatment . Katy had recently peed and pooped before we took her to the clinic , but she lost the ability to do so within a few hours of her arrival there . She has a catheter in place now , and they 've been manually removing feces . Although a little urine leaked out next to the catheter today , they said not to get too excited because it may not mean that she actually urinated , especially because she still does not have any feeling back there , and her tail still has no muscle tone . I also received messages via email and Facebook from people who have had goats with meningeal worm in the past . Most did not recover , and some hung on for weeks before the decision was finally made to have them put down . Killing the worms and repairing spinal cord or brain damage are two entirely different things . Although modern medicine can certainly kill the worms , repairing the damage to the nervous system is mostly up to the animal 's body , although they can be helped by anti - inflammatories and other drugs . And then it also depends on exactly where the worm got into the spinal cord or brain and how much damage it has done . Timpani and Windy had such different conditions because the worms in their bodies had attacked different parts of their nervous systems . There were so many questions and no one who could really answer them . There are so many reasons why this was a hard decision , and the fact that it was Timpani and Windy seemed to make it worse . Their mother Viola died a couple days after giving birth to them in 2012 , which is why they were my bottle babies . Because Viola peaked at two gallons of milk a day , I had such high hopes for them as milkers . But I remind myself that it was only hope because they had not freshened yet , and maybe they would not have lived up to expectations . Timpani and Windy will be necropsied this afternoon , and we 'll learn if there was anything else going on that contributed to their illness . As for what we 'll do next on the farm , we 'll be giving dewormer to the other goats that spent the summer across the creek being rotated through the woods , which is undoubtedly where they got the meningeal worm . It comes from deer , which I have never seen in our regular pastures , most likely due to the fact that our dogs go nuts if deer ever come within view . But this past summer , we had the dry does and retired goats in a remote wooded area where deer frequent . Making the decision to euthanize Timpani and Windy is by far the hardest decision I 've ever had to make . But looking at Katy 's progress , I couldn 't help but think that I might only be delaying the inevitable and prolonging their suffering if I chose differently . It 's only noon , but I 'm yawning as if it 's midnight . This has been a mentally exhausting day . I had just finished writing everything above when the phone rang . It was the vet . She said that Timpani had been euthanized , but when they went to euthanize Windy , they noticed that her neurologic symptoms had drastically decreased and she was walking . They felt that I should know that before moving forward with the euthanasia . Last night when we spoke , I had told her that unless the goats made miraculous improvements overnight , I was leaning towards euthanasia . This sure seemed to fit the definition of a miraculous improvement , so as my eyes started to fill up with tears and I got a huge lump in my throat , this time I said , " No ! Don 't euthanize her . Continue with treatment , and give her everything that we had talked about , including the thiamine and everything . " Then the vet told me that she knew she had to call when Windy looked her in the eyes . Her nystagmus - - quivering eyeballs - - was almost gone . The fact that she was looking the vet in the eyes says volumes because she was previously not even looking at anyone . You might remember I initially thought she had gone blind . I don 't remember everything else the vet said . My brain just kept screaming that Windy was fighting , and if she was fighting , I couldn 't give up on her . And after hanging up the phone , I cried even more than I did after making the first decision this morning . This time , however , I was jumping up and down crying tears of joy rather than sitting at my desk quietly crying into my hands , feeling defeated . I know that Windy has a long road ahead of her still , but being able to walk will make the journey a lot easier . Another goat ? Yes , about ten days earlier we found Timpani , a mini mancha , laying in the snow first thing in the morning . She was hypothermic and couldn 't stand . Even when she was warmed up , she still couldn 't stand . Her symptoms reminded me of the goat we had about eight years ago that was paralyzed from a spinal cord injury . Goats fight all the time , and it 's pretty amazing that they don 't wind up with more injuries than they do . Timpani was very happy , and when we put warm water and food in front of her , she ate like there was no tomorrow . Because her only symptom was semi - paralysis , it really appeared that she was injured , rather than ill . Then last week , Katy the llama was unable to stand , so we took her to U of I and learned that she had meningeal worm . ( See last two posts for the whole story on Katy . ) I told the vets about Timpani , but she actually seemed to be doing better by then . She could stand some and take some wobbly steps , so we thought she was on the mend . And then yesterday , Mike found her sister Windy ( short for Woodwind ) laying down and unable to get up . Unlike Timpani , Windy seemed very sick . At first glance , I thought she was blind because she didn 't look at me , but after flicking my fingers at her head , I realized that she could see . Mentally , however , she was absent . I stood her up in front of a hay feeder , and she refused to eat . I put a bucket of warm water in front of her , and she completely ignored it . I came into the house and called U of I , explaining all of her symptoms . I told the vet tech on the phone that because we had already spent a fortune on Katy , who was still not well , we needed to be mindful of costs . However , I really wanted to bring the goats to the clinic because I wanted an answer . Knowing that meningeal worm requires snails and deer to reproduce and infect a goat or llama , I was wondering if that was really the culprit . Could I really have two or three animals infected ? Because I had said that Windy was so sick , I didn 't expect her to survive for 24 hours , she said that I could just bring her in to have her euthanized and necropsied . That was a sobering thought . I felt my eyes start to fill with tears and don 't remember what the tech said at that point , but I knew that it was the cheapest , most accurate way to get definitive answers . Ultimately we decided to take the goats to the clinic and have them examined . Initially everyone , including a neurologist , thought that Windy had listeriosis . Her symptoms were classic . She was leaning to one side and had the classic eyeball twitching of a goat with listeriosis . She had to be leaning against someone or something , or she 'd fall down . Today , they did spinal taps on the goats and confirmed a diagnosis of meningeal worm for both of them . Unfortunately , the vet professor said that goats do not respond to treatment as well as llamas do . Considering the fact that Katy was supposed to be hospitalized for five days of treatment , and she is still hospitalized and can 't stand , pee , or poop on her own , that 's not terribly promising , and goats don 't respond as well as llamas ? What does that mean ? The vet professor said that goats have about a 20 % recovery rate . Really , considering Windy 's condition , I would think her odds are even worse than that . But what about Timpani ? She was nibbling at the vet 's boot liners and everything else she saw at the vet clinic . Other than her wobbly gait , she acts almost normal . The vet and I talked about euthanizing both goats and doing necropsies to be sure that there isn 't anything other than the meningeal worm at work here . I 've posted a couple of status updates on my own Facebook page , as well as the Antiquity Oaks page , and a few people with meningeal worm experience have responded . One said that they had a goat that seemed happy and kept eating for a month before they finally decided to put him down . Several others talked about having goats die in spite of treatment . The paralysis initially got worse , as evidenced by her inability to even pee or poop , so they had to insert a catheter and manually remove feces . Yesterday she pooped , so that was good . Today she didn 't , so that 's not so good . She has had problems with her blood sugar , so they had to start monitoring that and giving her insulin when necessary . Today she seems to be stable in that area . They 've also been monitoring electrolytes and ketones in her urine . Being recumbent - - not standing - - is bad , so they 've been lifting her in a sling twice a day and doing physical therapy . The good news for today was that when they removed the sling , she was actually able to maintain her weight on her own four legs and take a couple of steps before collapsing . But getting up is the hard part , and she can 't do that yet . Little Oscar is doing well . He is nursing and eating hay and llama feed , and because of all the people surrounding his mother daily , he is getting very accustomed to human interaction . If there is anything positive about the whole situation it is that he should be much easier to train after this experience . It all started on Tuesday morning as I was pulling into the parking lot of the Illinois Farm Bureau for the board meeting of the Illinois Specialty Growers Association of which I 'm a board member . My cell phone rang . It was Jane telling me that Katy was laying down in the pasture , unable to stand . I suggested that she check her eyelids , and if they were pale to give her a dewormer . I checked in a couple of hours later and learned that they had given her a dewormer and also took her hay and a bucket of warm water . She was eating and drinking but still could not stand . When I got home Tuesday at sundown , I checked on her . She still was not standing , and although she was eating a little bit , she was not drinking . Mike checked on her first thing Wednesday morning , and she was still not standing , so I called the University of Illinois vet clinic , and they said that we could bring her in . The only problem , I explained , was that she was at the bottom of a hill in an area that was completely inaccessible by vehicle . How would we ever get her into a trailer ? Oscar had never had a halter on him prior to that , and he was not happy about it . First we tried a sheep halter , and he went completely nuts , twisting and jumping into the air , spinning around like a whirling dervish . The sheep halter slipped over his nose bridge and started to cut off his air , so I ran to the barn to get the smallest llama halter that we have . I didn 't try it initially because I thought it would be too big , but it actually fit pretty well . He was still not impressed , however , so Mike simply picked him up and carried him into the barn to wait for his mama . She went down completely one time about halfway to the trailer , and once we got her up again , we all tried really hard to keep her on her feet , as getting her up was the hardest part . As she went past the stall where we 'd left Oscar , he completely forgot his disdain for humans and was pressing against me to get to his mama , which made leading him to the trailer a piece of cake , as he was simply following her . After getting them into the trailer , Jane and I went into the house , grabbed a quick bite to eat , and we were on the road to the U of I vet clinic , which is normally a two - hour drive . I 'd forgotten how much pulling the trailer can slow you down , so it was a little longer . Once we arrived , it took the vets and techs 15 - 20 minutes to get her out of the trailer . Oscar was very upset by the whole thing and spent more time spinning and jumping around in the parking lot . The poor little guy has only seen about five human beings in his whole short life , and suddenly he was surrounded by more than a dozen , but Jane did a good job keeping him from getting too wild . Everyone finally gave up on getting Katy to stand up , and finally six or seven people pushed and pulled and slid her out of the trailer and onto a cart . They wheeled her into the clinic , and Jane led Oscar while someone else was attempting to move him by pulling on his tail , which I 've never seen anyone do with a camelid , although I know people do that with cattle a lot . It didn 't seem to work at all , and I 'm not sure why I didn 't say anything or offer to just tap Oscar gently on the back of his legs , which is how we normally train llamas to lead . I 'm not sure how we wound up with a professor , two residents , an intern , and a dozen students , but things happened very quickly . At least six tubes of blood were drawn and sent to the lab , then they did a complete abdominal ultrasound and even got an imaging specialist with whom to confer . There were lots of white spots all over Katy 's liver , and although that was not normal , it did not explain her symptoms . They poked and pinched her in various places and discovered that she had very little feeling on the right side of her body . Blood results began to trickle in with some results that were not terribly surprising , such as , she was dehydrated . Another blood test looked like she was fighting an infection and that she might have a parasite problem . Ultimately a spinal tap confirmed a diagnosis of meningeal worm . One of the students showed us the spinal fluid , which was cloudy . It should have been clear enough to read through . The fluid was sent to the lab , and about 90 minutes later , at 6 p . m . , as we were already driving home , we got the phone call with the confirmation . Yes , it was meningeal worm . Katy will be in the intensive care unit for five days of treatment . It sounds scary . The resident said that she could have seizures , but they would be ready to handle that , if it happens . She will need massive doses of dewormer , as well as anti - inflammatory drugs , which could cause ulcers , but they know that and will treat accordingly . Oscar is staying with her so that he can continue to nurse as much as possible - - and also keep her stress level down . Oscar actually continued to be a challenge after we got into the clinic and they began examining Katy . He was jumping up and down a lot , even when he was allowed to be right next to his mama 's face . First they tried putting a blindfold on him , as that generally helps llamas to calm down , but it didn 't work with little Oscar . So , they then asked if it was okay to give him a mild sedative because they were worried that he might hurt himself or Katy by jumping on her head or neck . I agreed , and the sedative did certainly calm him down for about half an hour . He laid down with his head next to his mama 's and seemed very content . Even when he became more alert again half an hour later , he remained calm . The meningeal worm infects the spinal cord and brain of llamas , which is why it can be so devastating , and you can 't just give them a dose of dewormer at home like you could if they simply had an intestinal parasite . Although some people give their llamas a dewormer every month in an attempt to avoid a meningeal worm infection , it is highly controversial . Although you might avoid a meningeal worm infection , you will wind up with intestinal parasites that are resistant to dewormers that are being used so frequently , and intestinal parasites can kill llamas too , especially if they are resistant to the dewormers . As for how the llama got the meningeal worms - - we can blame the white - tail deer , which frequently visit our farm . They are the normal host for the meningeal worm . They poop out the eggs , which are then ingested by slugs and snails , and then llamas accidentally ingest the slugs or snails when eating grass . Some researchers say that they don 't even have to ingest the actual slug or snail ; they think that the eggs may be in the slime trail left by slugs and snails . Although goats can also get infected by meningeal worm , it is far less common than llamas and alpacas . The resident in charge of Katy and Oscar called me a few minutes ago with an update . She said that Katy 's condition has actually worsened . The paralysis , which was mostly evident in her hind legs and right side yesterday is growing . Her front legs are becoming less responsive , as well as her tail . The resident said that it may still be reversible though , and she asked for the OK to increase the anti - inflammatory drugs . As the worms die in her spinal column , they may be causing increased inflammation , which is what has caused the paralysis to spread . . . at least that 's the theory . Although Katy appears to still be making milk , and Oscar has been helping himself as much as possible , they are concerned that he isn 't getting enough , so she also asked for permission to begin giving him a bottle with goat milk . Of course , I said yes . In addition to making sure that the little guy doesn 't go hungry , I also like the idea of them teaching him to take a bottle , rather than me , in case Katy doesn 't make it . I know how hard it is to switch a goat from mama to a bottle , so I can 't even imagine what it will be like with a cria that is probably 60 or 70 pounds ! The last few days have certainly been interesting . It all started on Saturday when things got really windy . We lost electricity in the late afternoon . We 've learned over the years that if it isn 't back in a few seconds , it won 't be back for awhile , so Mike tried to start the generator . Key word : tried . It wouldn 't start , so he spent the next couple hours working on it . The sun went down , and he kept working with the help of a flashlight , then the barn lights came on . Sunday morning , we were lounging in bed , sipping coffee . Mike was texting our daughter who now lives in Ft . Worth , and I was gazing out the window . Suddenly one of the turkey 's moveable pens lifted off the ground , flew high into the air , and came down on top of a 12 - foot tall pine tree . Mike 's head immediately popped up from his cell phone , and as soon as he saw that I was staring out the window with my mouth wide open and spewing expletives , such as " Holy cow ! " he whipped his head around in time to see the pen landing on top of the pine tree . He flew out of bed , and as we exited the bedroom , we met Jane , who was also running out of her bedroom . Because I was still in my gown , I was glad to see that Jane was dressed . She and Mike ran out to the front yard as I ran for my camera . It seemed like it would be entirely inappropriate for me to yell after them , asking them to wait to remove the pen from the top of the tree while I switched to my zoom lens , which is why I didn 't manage to get a picture of it . Those pens are not at all heavy , which was good for the tree and good for Mike and Jane , as it was easy to get down , and it had not broken any branches on the tree . Once they had the pen down , they had to herd the turkeys back in there . Interestingly enough , the other turkey pen did not get blown away at all . We think it 's because it was positioned at a 90 degree angle to the one that did get blown . As long as the wind could blow straight through the pen and under the tarp like a tunnel , it didn 't get any lift . Unfortunately , the forecast was calling for the wind to shift in the afternoon from the south to the west . The forecast was also calling for even stronger winds in the afternoon . Ultimately we decided to slide the pens up against the wooden fence , sticking the skids until the fence and tying the pen to the fence . Jane and Mike piled cinder blocks on the two corners of the skids that were not under the fence . Mike went back to work on the generator , while Jane and I started chores . When we were feeding the sheep , we saw a ram lamb mount a ewe , which should not really have happened because the ram lambs were supposed to be castrated . Jane grabbed the little guy when he wasn 't looking , and I checked for the presence of the family jewels . I thought that I felt two testicles that were very uneven in size . Since I had used a Burdizzo to castrate the little guy , I assumed that I had somehow missed the cord on one , so I was heading to the barn to grab the Burdizzo and try again . At that moment Jonathan was hurrying into the pasture to tell us that we were under a tornado alert . " Well , we have a testicle alert here ! " Jane shot back , as she was holding the little ram . I know tornadoes are nothing to play with , but we already had the little guy , so it should only take a minute to redo the job . I grabbed the Burdizzo from the barn and brought it out to the pasture . As soon as we were done and let the lamb go , I heard the roaring that was unmistakeably the sound of a tornado . I told Jane , who is from Baltimore and knows nothing about tornadoes , and we both started rushing to the house . Once we were close to the house , however , she wanted to stay outside and see everything . Amazingly enough , we were getting zero rain - - not even a drop ! - - even though the radar showed purple and magenta over us , so we should have been getting buckets of rain . Later we learned that the tornado was only a couple of miles away . We wound up losing Internet because the tornado knocked out electricity where our service provider 's tower is located , but considering all of the people killed and houses damaged , we were extremely lucky . We are only an hour from Washington , IL , which made national news as it had some of the worst damage , and we have a friend closer to Chicago whose neighbor 's barn was completely blown to bits . We 've also seen a video of a twister touching down near Pontiac , which is only 12 miles from us . So , all things considered , we really can 't complain . So , Mike set up the Electronet lanes , and no one even told me that they were going to move the sheep . They thought it would work so well . Then they came inside and told me what happened - - and it wasn 't exactly what they had planned . Yes , the sheep did run right through the lanes of Electronet just like they do every spring for shearing . Then they ran between the barns ( rather than into the barn ) and they ran into the winter pasture . . . and they ran through the pasture and didn 't even bother to stop when they reached the traditional electric fence on the opposite end of the pasture . They went right through those five strands of electric wire and just kept running ! Mike and Jonathan and Jane assumed that the sheep ran around the south side of the pond and right back to their summer pasture , so they had come inside to ask for my help in keeping the sheep from running through the electric fence again after they herded them back the next time . So , I went down to the opposite end of the pasture and was hanging out when I heard screaming from the south , which is the opposite of the direction they were supposed to be coming from . As it turns out , the sheep had not run all the way back to their summer pasture . They had stopped once they were out of sight just south of the pond . So , we opened the gate on the south side of the winter pasture , and the sheep were herded into the pasture ! Yay ! No . . . not so fast ! They ran into the winter pasture heading west , and they kept running . . . and running . Everyone ( except middle - aged me ) ran after them and tried to get ahead of them so they could cut them off before they reached the electric fence on the west side of the pasture and went through it . And believe it or not , they actually succeeded ! Yay ! Yes , really ! Bravo ! Okay , not really , bravo . . . not yet anyway . Even though the sheep were in the pasture where we wanted them , it was quite obvious to everyone that they would not stay in there because they have zero respect for traditional electric fencing . Oh , yeah , that 's why we moved them to the eastern pastures four years ago ! ( Those pastures are fenced with woven wire . ) Funny how you forget little details like that . I had thought that it was merely because we had been keeping the cattle in the western pastures , and since we sold the cattle in July , we could now put the sheep in there for the winter , which would make winter feeding so much easier . But no , there was a real logistical reason that we had not been keeping sheep in there . I suggested that we just fence in the sheep exactly where they were . By now , they had stopped running near the northern section of the pasture , and they were eying us suspiciously . I told Jonathan to go get the Electronet that had been used to create the lanes and bring it back and start setting it up to fence in the sheep in the area where they were currently standing . And that is what we did . They happened to be standing in an area where there was woven wire to the north and Electronet already set up on the east and west , so all we had to do was set up Electronet along the south , and they would be secure . It wasn 't a huge area , but this was not meant to be permanent - - just to keep them in this area until they calmed down and realized that this was an okay place to spend the next few months . So , we finally got the sheep where we wanted them , and they stayed put . This weekend , Mike and Jane put up Electronet around the entire perimeter of the western pasture so the sheep would have a larger area to graze and more grass to eat - - at least for a couple more weeks . We have started feeding hay already , and the sheep have calmed down , so this should be the end of the sheep drama . . . at least for a few months . In addition to myself , there was apprentice Jane , son Jonathan , and a volunteer who 's been helping out every Tuesday lately . Since he had zero experience with sheep , we told him to stand in the middle of the ford of the dried - up creek bed so that the sheep couldn 't run across there when they reached the pasture . It seemed simple enough . We 'd drive the sheep west , and they 'd only have two choices - - run into the pasture or into the creek . Simple , right ? Things were going splendidly ! They ran straight north and then west to exactly where we wanted them to be . Jonathan and Jane were following close behind , and I was way behind because I 'm middle - aged and slow . Then suddenly , I see them moving east ! What ? East ? They were coming back ! I ran towards the area where I knew they 'd be coming through , and when they got near me , I started screaming , " No ! No ! No ! " And they all turned around and started running west again . I was so proud of myself . Then a few sheep ran across the creek before getting to the ford . Jonathan ran across the creek to try and turn them around again . From this point , it all gets very fuzzy , and there was no more time for picture taking . Apparently the volunteer had walked up out of the middle of the dried up creek bed and was standing much too close to the pasture gate , so the sheep saw him , and they turned around again and came running back to where I was - - and this time they didn 't stop when I yelled and jumped up and down , trying to look scary . Half of them ran to one side and half to the other side , zooming right past me ! And they kept running . . . and running . . . and running . They ran all the way back to their old pastures where they had spent most of the summer . Jonathan and Jane were in hot pursuit . About two - thirds of the sheep stopped in their old pasture , but the other third just kept going and went through the hayfield and then through the fence on the other side of the hayfield and into the woods . Jonathan and Jane disappeared . Somehow Porter our English shepherd , who has zero herding training , had gotten himself into the pasture and was determined to move two spring lambs into the old pasture with the other sheep . That was not going well at all , and he was completely deaf to all of my commands to " come " and " sit " and " stay . " Finally , he did come to me - - probably because he was just too exhausted to keep trying to herd the sheep - - so I took him back to the house . I told the volunteer that he could leave because a bunch of the sheep were gone , as well as Jonathan and Jane , and I didn 't know when they were going to be back . I went back out there , and eventually Jonathan and Jane came back through the woods . They said the sheep were completely lost , but within a few minutes , we heard them . They were across the creek . Everyone split up to go look for them , and at one point , I heard Jane scream . It turns out that the sound she was following was a rabbit that decided to turn around and run straight at her , which startled her . We eventually got the sheep back into their old pasture . No , we did not try to move them back to the new pasture , which is on the other side of our property . The sun was going down , and we had not even started on evening chores . What we had expected would take about 15 minutes had occupied us for more than an hour . In 2002 , my professor - husband , three kids , and I left the Chicago suburbs to live the adventure that Thoreau never imagined on a 32 - acre homestead on a creek in the middle of nowhere . As clueless city slickers , we made a lot of mistakes , learned a little , and had a lot of fun . Even though the children have grown up and left home , Mike and I are still here , making some mistakes , learning more , and having tons of fun . If it sounds like a frontier version of Gilligan 's Island . . . well , sit right back and you 'll hear a tale of goat birthing , gardening woes , coyote problems , food from the farm , housebuilding progress , and whatever happens to be happening around here . Some blog posts may contain affiliate links , meaning that I will get a small commission when you purchase something after clicking on the link . You pay exactly the same price as you otherwise would , and you help support the blog . Thanks for your support ! |
We won 't get the new results back for a week or two but compared to how worried I was yesterday this is a definite improvement . And that is the latest Tessie update ! Posted by December is flying by and winter break is already here . Here 's the latest news . It 's almost a Quick Takes but I couldn 't wait until Friday . For the first time since the girls were tiny we got pictures taken at the mall , this time with a " sensory friendly Santa . " We 'd signed up in advance and showed up on Sunday morning before Mass . I was impressed when we saw that there was a waiting area with tables with coloring sheets and crayons , snacks , a play area , and a movie area with bean bag chairs everywhere . And this ? One of my all time favorite pictures . We almost had tears when Patch thought that he wasn 't going to get to sit next to Sadie , but when he found out he could sit with her disaster was averted . I snapped this on one of the last days before our world became an icy winter wonderland . James was a big fan of autumn . He is not a big fan of winter . I have yet to convince him , even completely bundled up in snow clothes , to play outside in the snow . He cries when I suggest it . He is incredibly suspicious of snow . He 'd spend hours outside in the non - snowy cold . But snow ? Not a chance . Puddles are more his thing : We attempted to make gingerbread houses . I 'm not sure that you can say they were a success but the kids did think that they were tasty . And I was ridiculously excited that I could buy the gold chocolate coins for Saint Nicholas Day this year . Patch and Tessie are adorable together . Last night Patch told me : " Mommy , I love Tessie so much . I love you so much Tessie . Mommy . Tessie 's touching my ear . No Tessie , no . Mommy , tell Tessie no touching my ear . You need to have a talk with Tessie . " Tessie also had her first neurology appointment . I came home with a to do list . The main concern wasn 't her lack of eye contact or missed milestones . The main concern at this appointment was her " hypersomnia " or the fact that she sleeps a lot , around twenty hours a day . Who knew that a baby could sleep too much ? Not me . I mean , with my other kids it wasn 't something I ever thought of . After all sleeping too much ? It sounds kind of nice . Apparently too much sleep really can be too much of a good thing . During the appointment at one point her doctor said , " Does she really sleep that much ? I mean , she 's awake for this appointment . " And I pointed over to where she 'd fallen asleep in the ninety seconds since he 'd finished his neurological exam . After that he started ordering tests . After the appointment I scheduled the sleep study . I took her to get her lab work done , and I set dates for Missouri and Massachusetts for the MRIs and EEGs . And if I 'm totally honest I have to admit that I expected that the blood work would come back entirely normal . After all , we 've gone through all this before and it 's always been normal . And when I didn 't hear anything for a little over a week I forgot about it . Then we got a tree . Now , a tree around here is a big deal . Last year was the first time we 'd gotten a real tree . In the years before we 'd put up a little fake tree , on the fireplace mantle , while praying that Maggie wouldn 't somehow destroy the whole thing . Last year we got a real tree , that was fairly big , but we put the tree up on an entertainment stand where it was less tempting . This year we got a big tree and bolted it to the floor . And she hasn 't touched it . A certain toddler has taken apart a few ornaments but other than that it 's in one piece . We 're all pretty thrilled . And we celebrated Saint Lucia 's Day . Sadie managed to slip downstairs with me before anyone else was awake . She walked upstairs through the bedrooms with only her crown lighting the way and it was really fun . The highlight for me was James who was laughing and calling " Sadie ! Sadie ! " from his crib the moment her crown of battery powered lights came into the room . Patch was a shepherd in his preschool nativity play . We didn 't have anything shepherd - ish so I sewed him a costume . Paul pointed out that he looked more like a little Jedi than a shepherd . So I googled Jedi images and realized that he has a point . James maintained his title of " Grumpy Baby " by coming with me the last two times I 've gone shopping and shouting " Don 't touch that ! " every time I reached to pick something up . Is that really what I sound like , James ? Another highlight was a special sensory friendly night at the local zoo . There was Christmas cookie decorating , soup , ornament making , and a walk through the snow to look at all the lights and Christmas trees . The other sensory friendly event we went to this month was a sensory friendly airing of Moana . When we walked in I whispered to Paul that I thought we had a 50 % chance of success ( despite the flier that said that screaming and running were fine ) . He whispered back that he thought our odds were closer to 10 % . The last time we tried a movie , in June , Maggie was immediately overwhelmed and grabbed my hand and begged to go before the opening credits were over . This time with the lights turned up and the sound turned down she sat , completely silent , in her seat for the entire movie , with a huge smile on her face . I am so grateful for all the sensory friendly opportunities we 've had lately . As she 's getting older we 're able to go out and do so much more . The highlight of the month for the kids has been the snow . They can spend hours in our backyard sledding from the top of the hill to the bottom of the yard . Patch is determined to shovel the snow out of the backyard like Daddy and Mommy shovel the driveway . Speaking of shoveling the driveway I was surprised when I arrived home today to find myself stuck in the snow . I was surprised because we 'd shoveled the driveway and it hadn 't snowed today . However apparently one side of our house is a wind tunnel and the wind moved a massive amount of snow from the side of our house ( where nearly a foot of snow is now bare grass ) to the driveway where I opened the door and found myself up to the tops of my boots in snow , trying to figure out what happened ( I was confused for a solid ten seconds ) . I know it 's windy here but I didn 't know it was move all the snow from the side yard to the front yard windy . Which brings me to this week . Earlier this week I got a call from our neurologist 's receptionist . I actually started completing her sentences in my head before she said them . This office calls about all their test results and he sees both Maggie and James so I 've gotten this call quite a few times and I wasn 't expecting anything abnormal . " Hi Mary - Therese 's mom ? This is the receptionist from Dr . D 's office . We got the test results and their normal . " I said the last sentence silently in my head before she said them . Except she didn 't say them . She said " We got the test results and the ammonia levels in Mary - Therese 's blood are elevated . Dr . D wants you to call back if you haven 't heard from us the week after her sleep study to run more labs . Make sure not more than a week passes . " I got off the phone and told Paul that he couldn 't be too worried if the was willing to wait a month for new tests . Today my phone rang . It was the nurse from the same office calling to tell me that James ' orthotics prescription had been faxed in . I thanked her and hung up . Then I kicked myself for not asking her about Tessie , because I 've spent the week worrying about what high ammonia levels in blood tests mean . Five minutes later the phone rang again . It was the same nurse . She was calling to tell me that the doctor had reviewed the tests and Tessie has elevated ammonia levels in her blood and that I needed to take her in for blood and urine tests , to check amino acids and organic acid levels . This time I did ask her what high ammonia could mean and she said that she didn 't know and he hadn 't made any notes of what he might be thinking it meant . I got off the phone and got the kids loaded into the car and picked Paul up at his office so that he could watch the other kids and took Tessie in for the tests and now we 're waiting for the results . She is still my perfectly happy cuddle bug . But I 'll admit I 'm worried at this point ( google is not my friend ) and I 'm really praying that the next phone call comes quickly and says what I expected the last one to say . I 'm ready to hear " We got Mary - Therese 's test results and they 're normal ! " If only I could combine James and Tessie 's hours of sleep and divide them in two . . . then everybody would be getting a good nights sleep without going overboard ( and without waking up like a certain toddler sometimes does ) . Posted by Yesterday was hard . I 'm not even sure if I should write about it . I am because writing is how I process things . But I feel like it will take a long time to finish processing this . Yesterday Paul and I found ourselves faced with a horrible , horrible choice and I spent most of the day in tears , or trying not to cry , first in the car on the way for Tessie 's first neurology appointment , then in the car waiting to pick up Patch and then as I walked into Maggie 's therapy center to drop off her lunch . Paul described it as one of the hardest things he 's had to do since becoming a parent . When we brought Lily home , fourteen months ago , I never imagined that our lives with her would end so abruptly . It started when I saw an add for Great Pyrenees puppies . We 'd been talking about getting a dog for a long time . We 'd been scanning the humane society websites in our area , but they were filled almost entirely with pit bulls and chihuahuas . We knew we wanted a larger dog , and having had a pit bull mix growing up I didn 't think that that was the greatest choice for our bunch , and nearly all the non - pit bulls that came up on the shelter websites said that they were not for homes with small children . I had images of the cartoon Sebastian and Bell in my head as we began to learn about the Great Pyrenees as a breed . We liked what we saw . We emailed the people with the puppies . We drove two hours north west to their tiny farm . They had three dogs , who we met , and a littler of puppies . The people were incredibly nice . The puppies were tiny little balls of fluffy white fur . We paid a deposit and drove home . On Halloween day Lily came home with us . She was Patch 's birthday present . After we got through the puppy teething stage she was incredibly gentle with the kids , especially James . He was her favorite . He could take food out of her bowl and feed it to her and she would sit and watch him indulgently . This summer something began to change . If the kids were running in the yard she would get upset , like she thought that they were going to hurt themselves , and would lightly grab them by one arm and throw them to the ground . For a while she wasn 't allowed down in the lower yard when they were out . But we worked on it and by fall she was out running around and playing with them on the grass again . In the last few weeks something suddenly changed . She started biting . She was leaving marks . She bit Patch and Sadie on the hands . I made strict rules about food , since the problems seemed to suddenly revolve around food . No kids around when her food was out . No human food out when she was out . Then she bit James on the hand . James , her baby . Because there was an apple in the room , that neither of them were eating . And she bit Patch on the face and neck . She didn 't break the skin , thank goodness , but she left a nasty purple bruise and he was terrified of her . We didn 't know what to do . We kept her completely separated from the kids , but I was on edge . She could break out of her kennel if she wanted to . She had before . She was incredibly strong . And on Sunday she began snapping at Paul and me when we let her in and out tried to let her into the house . By Monday morning I was afraid of her when I let her out to go to the bathroom . Now to back up , before this she was incredibly obedient , especially for a Pyrenees . When I told her to sit she 'd sit . She was cuddle and affectionate . If she chewed on something she wasn 't supposed to she would follow me around , putting her head under my hand like she was apologizing . This transformation was sudden and unbelievable . It was a nightmare . On Monday morning we called the state Great Pyrenees rescue . That night Paul spoke with the director . He told her what had been happening . We were dreaming of a farm somewhere without kids , where she could live out her days . And then the news came and it was horrible . . . We were the fourteenth call she 'd gotten this year for the exact same condition . All the dogs were from the same area . She believed that someone was breeding dogs that shouldn 't be , that something was wrong with a line of these dogs somewhere in the area and it 's spreading . Something was wrong with their brains . Great Pyrenees don 't do this . They don 't snap and start attacking humans . They don 't bite and especially not children . She said that with the other thirteen dogs , the decline was rapid . They became more and more violent . One had burst out of its kennel as the owner walked by and chased him down and attacked him . Then she snapped out of it and couldn 't figure out what had happened , didn 't seem to remember hurting him . We needed to have her euthanized , immediately . It was the only humane choice , she explained . I sat at up Monday night crying and praying and wishing there was some other way . We spoke to two vets yesterday . The vets agreed , and said that she needed to be put down by animal control . As I write this I 'm crying . I 'm praying that we made the right decision . But what other decision was there to make ? She 's an enormous dog . She could easily kill someone . And how could we live with ourselves if we gave her up and she seriously injured or killed someone ? But still I 'm so angry and sad . . . and I keep thinking I hear her barking outside , and start to run to let her in before she annoys our neighbors . . . and then I remember . I posted this on the blog Facebook page , but I wanted to post it here too ! Maggie and I did an interview for a commercial for the therapy program that we did at MSU and today I saw it for the first time . She 's so tiny ! This was filmed about a year ago , but if you see the Skype video that is briefly shown it 's from when we first started the study when Maggie was three ! I can 't believe it 's been three years ! I thought that it was probably just her eye sight right up until the moment that we went through the list of milestones during her early intervention evaluation . Or at least I hoped that it was . I wanted it to be her eye sight . I wanted her to be a little far sighted and just need a cute pair of glasses that would solve the problem . Sure , we 'd have to probably replace them seventy times before she was two , but we 'd figure it out . Can you buy insurance for eye glasses ? If so we would have done it . When someone suggested that it wasn 't her eye sight I almost exploded . No , no , no . Don 't you know what it very likely is if it 's not that ? I do . It 's not that having a child with developmental delays , and in our family 's case autism , isn 't a blessing in many ways . But the knowledge that you 're child is going to face some pretty major struggles , in a world that refuses to accept and often fears them , is in some ways heartbreaking . Watching your child struggle to be accepted and even be the object of scorn ? It 's hard to get past . And while it 's the world to change I fear every day that it 's not changing quickly enough . In fact I know it 's not . Parents please , please I beg you . If you can teach your children one thing , teach them to kind to people who are different . The world doesn 't need more people striving to be famous or powerful . Our world needs more people who are kind . Of course , nothing can be certain for a while yet . There are no tests for autism before eighteen months of age . But the red flags are everywhere . The first evaluation , quickly showed that something more than bad eyesight was going on . It wasn 't that she wasn 't able to see up close . It became abundantly clear as one and then two therapists evaluated her that she was avoiding all eye contact . Someplace in my mind I think I already knew . When she nurses she looks away . When I try to catch her eye she quickly averts them and turns her head to the sign . She smiles , looking just over my shoulder or , on a good day , at my forehead . Not at my eyes . If I catch her , move my eyes into her line of sight she quickly turns and squirms so she can 't see me . Maggie didn 't do this . She stared at my eyes and laughed . I 've read about this , but I 've never seen it first hand . They rang a bell off to one side of her head . She sat perfectly still . They rang it on the other side . Then on the first side again , closer . It was practically next to her ear , and loud . No reaction . A loud banging side on either side and again she didn 't even blink . This is . . . significant . . . I heard . How could it not be ? As these therapists , who are James ' therapists and who are good at what they do , worked for an hour to get her to do the most basic of actions for a baby her age , my heart sank . And had I seen her demonstrate any of these actions ? Does she grab a toy ? Can she shake a toy ? Does she reach for a toy or look at a toy ? Does she watch her hands or react at all when she sees herself in a mirror ? In the gross motor category she knocked it out of the park , doing things in older categories , but in social communication she wasn 't hitting the milestones in the one to two month category . At four months . She qualified . I sat , talking about how she probably wouldn 't qualify , and I totally understood that they wouldn 't qualify her , after all how can a baby that 's so little already have a significant enough delay , but she qualified easily , over and over again in each category . When they left I brought up the ASQ Oregon site , which allows parents to take the Ages and Stages Questionnaire that our pediatrician 's office uses online and get the results scored online . The results came back as expected : And there was another worry that had popped up . She sleeps a lot . Impossibly much . Twenty hours a day . That morning I woke her after she slept for thirteen hours , to make her eat and get ready for her evaluation . When the therapists left , having scheduled her first session , and while the boys played upstairs , I called the nurse 's line at our doctor 's office and left a long rambling message . They called me back and agreed that our well baby check which was still two weeks off was a little too long to wait and scheduled us for an appointment . On November 2nd we went in . The doctor came in and examined her and talked with me about what was going on . I explained the results of the evaluations and what I 'd noticed . I told her that I 'd thought I was just paranoid , because of what we 've gone through with Maggie and James , but that now , with the evaluations I was beginning to wonder if it was something more . She tried and tried to get Tessie to look at her , with little success . Tessie glanced at her face once and then quickly looked away . And then she said " I 'm sorry , this is heartbreaking . " and began to explain that they wouldn 't be able to definitively test until she was eighteen months old , but that with the family history and significant delays it is likely that we 're headed in the same direction , but that this is absolutely the earliest that we could have noticed and that she will receive the very earliest therapy possible . " You 're doing everything right . You 're doing everything you can do . Not much is available this young because the testing doesn 't exist . " I was stunned that she saw what I saw . I don 't know why . I was clinging to the idea that I was just paranoid . I had convinced myself that the concern I felt when she was three weeks old and I would try to catch her eye and she would turn her head , was just an abundance of over caution . After all three week olds don 't usually make eye contact . But they don 't usually avoid it either . We started therapy this last week . She 's been referred to our family neurologist ( who sees Maggie and James ) . I am processing this all again , and in some ways it 's easier and in some ways it 's harder . It 's easier because I 'm not afraid of who she is or who she will become . Maggie is one of the most amazing people I know and she has taught me so much in her short six years on this earth . But it 's harder because I have a clearer idea of how the world treats people who are different than what passes for normal , and of the challenges that she will face in a society that is often cruel to those who are different . When it 's acceptable to publicly mock the disabled for their differing abilities and be defended for it , it 's hard to feel confidence in the world these children of mine will be growing up in . When people are praised for " terminating " children who have conditions that make them seem less than perfect , I fear for those children who grow up with similar labels and conditions . And that is the part that breaks my heart . I haven 't really paused since then . I called Maggie 's therapist and the friends we 've made at the local university and everyone is brainstorming ideas for things that we can work on and ways to help Tessie move more easily through this world so that she can become the person that she is meant to be . But in some ways , this very real possibility has made these days sweeter . I cuddle up next to her and kiss her head and smell her sweet baby smell and think of how easy it is right now , just to be , just to exist and savor every moment of the day . I don 't need advice about " cures . " I don 't need to hear about the latest diet , or have anyone use the word " recover " when speaking about my children . They aren 't lost . They 're right here , and they are every bit of who they were created to be . So we wait . And we don 't . We 're busy doing the little therapy exercises that a four month old can do and I try not to google the stories that tell me that studies have shown that a lack of eye contact in the younger siblings of older children with autism has been found to be significant at two months of age . Maggie adores Tessie . And if Tessie follows in her big sister 's footsteps I can only hope that she might have a little bit of an easier time with a family that has already walked this way before and will hopefully understand her more fully at a younger age . I 'm not sure how to end this post , which has already rambled on for so long except to say that your thoughts and prayers are appreciated , in fact I 'm certain the prayers of those of you who knew bits and pieces of what 's been going on have carried me through the lows and highs of the last few days . Now to get ready to take these little ruffians to Mass . Last night Maggie ( who asks every single day of the week if we 're going to Mass ) smiled when I said that tomorrow was the day and then said " Church . Mass . Jesus . Doughnuts . " She giggled when she said doughnuts and then repeated it two more times . Maybe Maggie and Tessie will be two little Cammie Wollner " If something were to ever happen to me , you need to know this . " I say the words and Paul shakes his head , but I continue anyways . This happens a couple of times a year , when a daily ritual becomes such a big deal to Maggie that it becomes set in stone , a part of our day that simply can 't be replaced . Every morning Maggie takes a bath filled to the brim with mermaid dolls . I get the other kids dressed and ready in the bedroom and then she sprints in , half wrapped in a towel and excitedly proclaims " Mermaid Soap ! Mermaid Soap ! " to the assembly of children searching for shoes and sweaters and that other sock that was in my hand three minutes ago . " Dry off ! " I say and she repeats the words as she scrubs at her arms and legs with a towel . " I can 't put on Mermaid Soap if you 're still wet ! " Then I turn and very carefully slip the jar of Vaseline and Crisco off of the window sill . I keep it hidden behind the curtain . The recipe was given to me by Patch 's allergist when he was small and is simple . It is 1 part Vaseline to 1 part Crisco . He told us about it after we 'd tried every over the counter eczema treatment available . I 'd slathered Patch in coconut oil and every natural remedy I 'd heard of when he was tiny , but nothing worked until the doctor gave us that suggestion and I skeptically went to the store and picked up the supplies and mixed them together in the kitchen . Suddenly he had the softest baby skin I 'd ever seen . So every year when winter arrives and dry skin comes with it , I put together the concoction again and begin to apply it liberally to try legs and elbows . I have to keep it hidden though , to keep Maggie from covering herself in it from the top of her head to the tips of her toes ( Vaseline and Crisco do not wash out of hair easily , if you 've never tried it and were wondering ) . " Mermaid Soap ! " I announce each morning as I put a generous ball of the moisturizer into the palm of my hand . Now for the important part . " Mermaid Soap for mermaid lips . For mermaid words . For mermaid songs . " After that it 's time for the story . " It isn 't easy for mermaids to speak when they 're on land . It 's not easy at all . And so we have mermaid soap which makes it easier to mermaids to have words and sing their songs when they aren 't in the water . Mermaid Soap for mermaid words and mermaid songs . " I started doing this when her lips were dry and cracking about a month ago and we were battling every morning as I tried to apply chapstick . When I began using " Mermaid Soap " she was still skeptical until I told her that they were for mermaid words and the story grew from there . Maggie points to her stomach and then helps me cover her arms and legs in the ointment while I continue the story . " Mermaids dry out when they 're on land . This keeps that from happening . This keeps mermaids from getting too dry when they 're out of the water . " " Mermaid soap ! Mermaid soap ! " Maggie says the words happily then , after getting dressed hands me a brush . " Mermaid bow ? " Yesterday when I picked Maggie up her therapy tech told me that she has been using so many new words , a statement I 've heard almost every day lately . I 'm sure Mermaid Soap is only a small part of the puzzle . Maggie has been working hard to make us understand her for her entire life and all the hard work she 's put in is paying off . But I can 't help but think that Mermaid Soap plays a little role in helping the words come a little more easily but giving her a little extra confidence boost as she startsPosted by Kind of like 98 % of the locks we 've purchased in the last four years . Yesterday morning while I was getting ready I realized that the key to the downstairs outer doors was sitting on my bookshelf . You see , after Maggie defeated every type of lock on one wall of the lock aisle in Home Depot , we finally broke down and opted for double cylinder locks to keep our little eloper from venturing into the outside world on her own . The man who sold me the locks was pretty sure I didn 't know what I was buying when I picked them up . I knew that he wanted to save me ( or more likely Paul ) from a return trip to the store when I realized that the lock needed a key to open either side . I reassured him that that was actually exactly what I wanted , but I think he still expected to see me back there later that day , getting normal locks that only require a key to get into the house instead of out . I 'd been against double cylinder locks for a long time , because I honestly hated the idea of them . But the alarms on the doors only gave me partial peace of mind , and once Maggie mastered all three of the locks on the front door I knew it was time to look into something else . Now , however , I love those double cylinder locks almost as much as I love the six foot security fence in the backyard . I now know that I won 't hear the alarm sound while I 'm in another room changing a diaper . So I carefully keep the key with me at all times and this new system has worked remarkably well . Until yesterday when I put the key in pocket and then heard Lily barking to come inside . I ran downstairs and put my hand back in my pocket . The key was gone . I backtracked . Was it on the bookshelf that I remembered taking it off of ? No . Had it fallen onto the bed ? No again . Was it in the bathroom ? On the other bookshelf ? In the hamper ? On the floor ? No , no , no , and no . As I searched Maggie drifted along after me , her little pink half pony tail bobbing happily as she walked . Finally I gave up and found a back up key and let the dog in . Five minutes later I heard Sadie But she wasn 't done yet ( for the week I mean . . . I 'm not naïve enough to believe she 's anywhere near to giving up her security system defeating skills in general . . . ) . This morning we were driving into town . I 'd loaded Tessie and James in the back and then snapped her into her seat with the new seat belt lock that one of her therapists suggested . I noticed yesterday that she had cheerfully helped me hold the lock in place while I snapped the buckle closed , something that I 'd found rather odd . Maggie doesn 't usually like me to close locks . Unless she knows that she can open them . After months of practicing she sits very well in her booster , but suddenly , after a successful initial time period in the " big girl seat " she began unbuckling it when I stopped for more than 5 seconds , or any time Tessie cried . The buckle lock was the perfect solution . The lock is plastic and rectangular with a series of slots that locks on over where the seat belt fastens , making it impossible to push the red button down without using a tool . It worked for a solid forty eight hours , but I noticed that Maggie was carefully watching me as I used the popsicle stick that came with the lock , to pop it open when it was time to get out of the car . As we reached Paul 's office and I put the car into park I heard the buckle pop open . I turned and saw Maggie holding her slap bracelet in her hand , looking entirely innocent as she took Paul 's hand . " Did she just use that slap bracelet to open the buckle ? " I asked , wondering if I 'd imagined locking the thing in place . Had I been too distracted by the babies and forgotten to secure it in the first place ? I didn 't count on her smuggling a back - up - spoon on her person , however . She waited until I 'd parked the car in the driveway to demonstrate her new found skill . As I lifted Tessie from her car seat I heard the buckle pop again as she used the spoon to press down the red button between the slots . At least she waited until we got home . And can I say that as she gets older I hope she uses her powers for good and not evil ? Because if six year old Maggie can break every lock at every hardware store I don 't even want to think about what ten , or twelve , or twenty year old Maggie is going to be able to do . She is amazing . And as annoying ( and sometimes scary ) as it can be trying to find a lock that she can 't get through , I can 't help but be a tiny bit proud of how good she is at figuring things out . Although I may not feel that way if she graduates to actually being able to pick that double cylinder lock without a key . I knew that Paul thought that I was crazy . " She doesn 't look at me . " I 'd been saying since she was a month old . " She smiles , but she 's always staring off over my shoulder . " " I don 't see it . " He said . But I did . I 'd lean over her bassinet and try to catch her eye . I 'd cradle her in my arms while she nursed and she 'd look past me , rarely making eye contact . Was I just paranoid ? I asked myself . Yes . Partially . I mean , it 's impossible not to be after the last six years . I am especially alert when it comes to developmental milestones . How can I not be ? But that didn 't mean that something wasn 't off , did it ? Still , with the exception of mentioning it to Paul and the pediatrician at the one month appointment , I kept my concerns to myself . One day when James ' physical therapist was here , Lily was barking not far from where Tessie was sleeping . " Is she really sleeping through that ? " She asked . I said that she slept through everything . Paul had used a screw driver and a hammer in the room with her and she hadn 't batted an eye . I knew that she could hear , I explained , because sometimes the smallest sounds startled her , but by and large , extremely loud sounds didn 't phase her . She suggested that day that I refer Tessie for an evaluation , at the very least to check her hearing across different wavelengths . It could just be that she was used to loud sounds . But it could also be a cause for concern . In the days that followed I watched Tessie and continued to fret every time she didn 't look at me as I attempted to capture her attention . The next week I took James to his early intervention playgroup . Patch 's speech therapist from a few years back was there and I asked her if she could hold Tessie while I signed us in . I told her about the physical therapist 's concerns and she continued to hold Tessie and walk around with her for most of the hour that we were there . At the end of playgroup she brought Tessie back to me and finally , and for the first time in the whole hour , Tessie looked at her face and smiled . She told me that she thought an evaluation was a good idea , because of that lack of eye contact , and I knew that they were both right . When James ' early interventionist came last week I made the appointment and this week she came out so that I could fill out the paper work and so that she could do the initial part of the evaluation and see if a further evaluation was warranted . Throughout the hour Tessie seemed to avoid looking at us . She was happy and calm . She smiled now and then . But she studiously seemed to avoid focusing on faces . I explained that this was entirely new to me . Maggie loved smiling into our faces when she was tiny . She had me hold Tessie on my lap and try to catch her eye . Tessie turned her head from side to side and refused to look at me . We tried different angles but Tessie seemed determined not to look at my face . At the end of the hour the therapist told me she was pretty certain that Tessie would qualify based on her refusal to make eye contact . She managed to catch her eye for a few moments , but then Tessie would immediately look away again . We scheduled an appointment for rest of the evaluation and I continued to watch Tessie and wonder what was going on with her . On Thursday James had PT again , and for the second half of the appointment Tessie sat on my knee . " She 's looking right at me right now , " his therapist said . " This whole time she 's been watching me and making great eye Moving forward one more time to test the theory again I could see the moment when she lost me and began looking from side to side , clearly not seeing where I was . All day today the situation repeated itself . When I 'm near to her she smiles at my voice , but looks around as if she isn 't seeing me . When I take an extra step back she focuses easily on me and makes eye contact . And that explains why Paul kept saying she was making eye contact with him . He 's about a foot taller than me and when he stands over her bassinet he 's a foot further away . She can see him more clearly since he 's further up , even when he 's standing next to her . I still find myself surprised every time I move back into her line of vision and I can tell by her expression the exact moment that she sees me . We were already discussing hearing and vision tests , but now that vision test most definitely seems like it will be a priority . Posted by It was a large stroller bag hook . My sister gave me one a couple of years ago , but I always forget to move it from one stroller to another , so when I saw one today for $ 5 at Walmart I thought I might as well pick one up so that each of the strollers can have their own hook . When I unloaded the car I snapped it into place . Patch saw it and gasped . " Mommy ! ? ! ? ! ? ! Mommy ! ! ! ! ! ! You got this for me ? ! ? ! ? ! Just for me ? ! ? ! ? ! ? ! For my birthday ? Is this my birthday present ? ! ? ! ? ! Thank you Mommy ! Thank you ! " You see , he thought that I had bought him his very own handle to hold onto the stroller when we were walking . Quite often he wants to hold onto the stroller bar that I push , which inevitably results in me tripping over his feet every time he slows down . This is the perfect solution . He proudly held onto it as we walked around for much of the afternoon . Sometimes he wouldn 't hold onto it , but it was perfect for times when I wanted him right next to me . And that is Patch 's great idea for the day . I don 't think I 'll get much use out of the hook as a bag holder but I do think it 's going to be used daily as a preschooler wrangling device . |
I 'm just a bit frustrated right now . My father and uncle asked for both Master and I to meet them out at my grandfather 's yesterday and today to help them finish sorting through things out there in preparation for the estate sale . They finally picked a date for that . Well , I guess I should say dates . At first it was going to be a one day sale . Then they decided to make it two days . Now ? Oh , well now is three damn days . Seriously ? * sigh * They are having it two weekends from this upcoming weekend . It 's as if all of a sudden they went , " Holy shit it 's damn near August . . . maybe we should get this shit done . " I don 't know why it took them both this long to get a fire under their ass because the house has been technically sold for over two months now . The buyer is simply waiting for them to finish doing what they are doing before handing over the money and moving in . And my uncle has been saying how badly he wants to get back to his apartment rather than living out at Grandpa 's place and yet they keep dragging their feet . I just work totally different than my father or uncle . When things need to get done I want it done now . That way I know it 's done and I can move forward with whatever task is next or I can just relax . Especially when it 's something this important . I understand that it 's weird and awkward to be going through your childhood home and sorting through things before Grandpa 's even gone , however that was their decision so why not get it done sooner rather than later . The way they have been doing it is basically just dragging the weirdness and feeling of being uncomfortable out . Treat it like a band aid . . . rip it off . That may sound cold but it 's how I see it . And keep in mind that it is my grandparents house and it 's odd and uncomfortable for me to be out there knowing Grandpa isn 't coming home ever again and here we are clearing it out and about to sell it . I still sometimes see the hospital bed that was in the living room while my grandmother was suffering from cancer . It 's like an overlay of what is actually there , which is the couch . Anyway . . . We actually got quite a bit done yesterday . But it was still annoying because my father , my Husband , and myself are trying to knock out as much as we can but my uncle decides he wants to test all of the Christmas lights to make sure they work before they sell them . Mother fucker you can do that when no one is there . Why not utilize everyone while we 're all there rather than that piddly shit you can do when no one is around . Then we go there today and we pull up and no one is there . The house is all locked up so Master and I just sat on the front porch . My dad showed up about 10 minutes later . No big deal . But my uncle wasn 't anywhere to be found and he had left his cell phone there so we had no way of getting a hold of him . We sat in the living room for a little while before starting in . We cleaned out the entire den and then went into the basement where there is a cubby hole / crawl space . It 's pretty damn big actually . I crawled in there and started handing things through the opening in the wall . It literally took us a little over two hours to go through everything in there . And there was still shit left and it was only left because it was my uncle 's and he still hadn 't shown up . When he did finally get there all he did was take down the little bit of Christmas lights from the basement walls and took a clock off the wall . That was it . Again shit he could be doing when no one is there . We were pretty much done with the entire crawl space before he got there . Prior to him showing up we had all agreed that once we were done with that we 'd go home . But since he showed up before hand , once we were finished , we went into the living room and chilled for a few minutes thinking that he would want to start in on something and would need our help . Finally after about 20 minutes I asked , " Is there anything else we are going to do today ? " My uncle 's response was , " Nope . I don 't want to do anything today . " It shouldn 't piss me off so much but it does because we planned these past two days around my uncle 's schedule . And for him not to be there today until literally the very end and not want to do anything is bullshit . We were there for four and a half hours before he showed up ! My dad asked him where he had been because he was annoyed about it too and apparently he had decided to go visit a friend of his to play video games . * raises eyebrow * This man is in his 50 years old and decided to go play video games with his friend rather than doing important shit with family members that planned to be there around his damn schedule . Right before we got into our cars to leave my dad asked me if we could help again next week . Sure . Why the hell not . Honestly if this didn 't need to get done I wouldn 't be helping as much as I am . I try to bend over backwards to help out family when I can . But this is getting a bit ridiculous . However , I literally have nothing better to do and if this shit doesn 't get done they are just going to push everything back again and drag this shit out some more . I guess it wouldn 't feel so ridiculous if this had been done sooner and hadn 't been dragged out this long . No comments : Yesterday Master and I had been flirting a little bit here and there . He had molested my tits a couple of times throughout the day as well . It has been a while since we 've done anything really like that . Don 't get me wrong , we 've been affectionate . It 's just that we hadn 't really flirted . It may sound stupid since we 've been together for 11 1 / 2 years but I think it is a sign of a healthy relationship if every now and then ya flirt with your significant other . Towards the early morning hours He was sitting at the computer . We were both naked by that point since all of the shades were drawn and we just wanted to be comfortable . I walked over to hug Him and I rested against Him . As I did so He tried to get my tit into His mouth but I giggled because my arm was in the way and I didn 't move . He laughed too and then told me to get my ass to the bedroom . I smiled and turned around to walk towards the bedroom . As I did so He smacked me on the ass . I got to the bedroom first and got comfortable . When He climbed into bed He hovered over me before taking my tit into His mouth and chomping down with His teeth . He alternated between using His tongue and lips to using His teeth . I love it when He mixes it up like that . Once He was done He asked if I wanted to be eaten out . Yes , I know some people would find it odd that He asks since He 's the one in charge , but that 's how He is . Sometimes He just what He wants and sometimes He asks for my preference and makes His decision from there . I said that I would rather just be fucked . He commented on the fact that I hadn 't really been in the mood for receiving oral in about a month . Honestly I hadn 't thought about it or realized it . I just haven 't been in the mood for it I guess . No reason . * shrugs * Dunno . He wasn 't exactly rough with me while we fucked but He wasn 't exactly gentle either . * smirks * He had it so that my legs were straight up with my ankles resting on His shoulders while He leaned forward . It felt great but my legs weren 't really liking it . I hate it when something feels great but then something like that happens . So He knelt up to take some pressure off of them . The rest of it went off without a hitch , thankfully . He eventually had me contorted again but in such a way that my legs were bent so that we wouldn 't have a repeat of earlier . I will say that our sex life has been hit harder from everything that is going on than I originally realized . It 's not like either of us are shying away from the other on purpose . Our affection levels haven 't gone down at all . It 's just the sex . I don 't think it 's conscious at all . It 's just a side effect from everything . I don 't feel slighted about it and I don 't believe He does either . At least He hasn 't said that He is . And I 'm pretty sure He would have if He felt that way . It 'll pick back up . I 'm not even worried about it . Do I wish it was a bit more active ? Yes . But it 's not anyone 's fault . It 's not as if one is begging for it and the other is pushing it off . That 's not the case at all . It 's just how things are right now . No comments : The weather has been fucking with me today . I went down to my mother 's to help her run a rummage sale . One minute I was chilly and the next minute I felt warm and sticky ( not in a fun way ) because suddenly it was very , very muggy . It would only feel chilly when the wind picked up and of course that seemed to be coming in sudden bursts out of no where . It also doesn 't help that it feels like it is going to rain , but the weather doesn 't say anything about it and it was supposed to rain last night but didn 't . I didn 't get a lot of sleep last night . It was mostly that in and out kind of sleep where you are never completely asleep . Then again my stomach absolutely hated me most of the night last night so it 's no wonder I didn 't sleep well . I 've been taking naps shortly after dinner the past few nights . Why ? Not sure . Most likely stress . There is just too much on both of our minds and as a result at night I 'm sleeping like shit but then I feel drained through the day and take a nap . Rinse and repeat . So far today I haven 't taken a nap . Then again it 's still pretty early and I got a lot of fresh air today . Right now I feel the beginnings of a migraine coming on but tonight is the night I 'm supposed to do a blog post so I figured that I might as well get it done before it turns into a full blown migraine . There are really no actual updates and typing out anything else on my mind would be nothing but repeating myself like a damn broken record . I just keep waiting for the day that I actually have some good news . Hopefully it 's soon . No comments : Yesterday we went out to my grandfather 's . When my dad had originally asked us to come down he stated that it was so we could sort through things to get them ready for the estate sale . He asked us to be there between noon and one . No problem . We got there just a few minutes after noon . My uncle had been pulling things out of the basement for a couple of hours before we got there . But there was a lot more to bring up . I helped where I could but a lot of it was either too heavy or too awkward for me to carry . I felt bad about it but there wasn 't really anything I could do and both Master and my uncle are obviously used to my limitations when it comes to things like that , so there weren 't any hard feelings . However , my father didn 't show up until almost 2pm , which was annoying . He didn 't really help all that much because by that point Master and my uncle and had pretty much gotten it all . So my dad and I stayed upstairs and I thought we were actually going to start sorting but instead my dad just went through a couple of boxes and found a couple more small things he wanted to take . He did however find a watch of my grandmother 's that he thought I would like . I wasn 't sure which one he was talking about but as soon as I saw it I knew . . . It was a watch that my grandmother wore and it was my favorite . She had quite a few watches , but this one was my favorite . It 's a watch with a mother of pearl face . It has four rings that you can switch out that screws onto the face . It has a regular gold one , an onyx one , one is tiger eye and the last one is abalone . It was my favorite when I was a kid simply because you could switch them out . It had been sitting in a dresser drawer in it 's box for at least 20 years so it obviously needed a new watch battery but other than that it is in beautiful condition . I took it . In fact today I took it down to a local jewelry store . I got the battery replaced and I had as many links taken off of it that I could so it would fit me . My grandmother 's wrists were quite a bit bigger than mine . It fits now , but it fits more like a bracelet than it does a watch . That 's fine . They couldn 't make it a tight fit because of how large it was to begin with and how large the links themselves are . My wrists are tiny . I typically don 't like gold ( it 's gold plated ) but in this very rare instance I think it looks really nice . I plan on wearing it when I 'm not at home . I don 't see the point in wearing it around the apartment when we are surrounded by clocks . Anyway . . back to yesterday . . . Shortly after my uncle and Master were done bringing stuff out of the basement and putting them where they could we all sat down outside and talked . By the way , I don 't think my grandfather ever threw out a Christmas tree before buying a new one . Holy shit . . . After a couple of hours of sitting and talking Master and I looked at one another and He said , " If there isn 't anything else to move we should probably get going . . . " Apparently that 's all they wanted to do that day so Master and I headed home . Then my dad calls me today . He caught me between our running errands . I had just returned from getting the watch done . I told him that I had gotten it resized and that it works now . He was very happy to hear that . He called to ask if we would be able to come down again next week to help sort . I said yes , as long as I don 't have a job interview . He told me that it would actually be sorting rather than just bringing stuff up out of the basement . He told me that he wants to get it to the point where after that day all they have to do is set stuff up on tables for the estate sale and that 's that . Whether that 's what actually happens I don 't know . I asked him if he knew what day and he said he had to wait until either this upcoming Sunday or Monday because that is when they know my uncle 's work schedule . I said that was fine . After I got off the phone with him Master and I went grocery shopping , took the dog for a walk , and then did the dishes . I also had to pick up our dog 's heart work for the month . It 's been a busy day . After I did my last post Master commented on it . He was basically glad I had come to that conclusion . I have tried to keep the leash in mind and I think I 'm doing okay . Master hasn 't said otherwise . And honestly I do feel better now that I am doing so . Master appears to be a bit more relaxed since then too . Granted it 's only been two days , but still . I can already feel the change in my own stress levels . No comments : It seems like our life has been nothing but stress lately . I 'm not exaggerating or trying to get sympathy . It 's just how it is right now . And given everything that is going on Master has been loosening the leash more and more . It 's not one of those situations where He is giving me enough rope to hang myself by it . He is trying to ease up on my stress by backing that particular aspect of our relationship off . And honestly , I know I 've been taking advantage of that . I don 't mean to . I truly don 't . But I know I am . He 's not doing it " only " because of the situation with my grandfather . There is a metric fuck ton of other shit going on right now and it all adds to the other , creating this snowball effect that is threatening to bury us both at this point . We are doing our best to make sure it doesn 't but so much is out of both of our hands that there isn 't much we can do about it . As a result , like I said , Master has been doing everything He can to make sure that nothing is added to all of this . I 've ran with it . I know that He didn 't let up on the dynamic so I can run around free of the leash , but it sometimes feels like I am and it 's not His fault . It 's all on me . I will fully admit that there are some things that I need to be able to express without the leash in mind . And that is all well and good . But by my taking advantage of it , it has kind of defeated the purpose and honestly only hurt the situation . I know it adds to His stress , which isn 't fair . I need to keep the leash in mind more . After all , it 'll lessen His stress and it will most likely make me feel better as well . For all I know it 's adding to mine as well because I don 't really have a structure that I 'm following . I feel horrible and ashamed that it has taken me this long to realize exactly how far off the leash I 've been . running . The man seriously deserves a medal for everything He is going through right now . He 'll tell you that I 'm going through more on an emotional level and all that but still . . . . I need to correct myself . I need to keep the leash in mind as much as I possibly can . I think having at least most of the structure back will help both of us and will make both of us feel better . And right now I think we both need something else aside from the stress to focus on . 2 comments : Yesterday was busy as hell . I went down to my mom 's to help her with some things that she needed done . As soon as that was over I had to drive back home and pick up Master . About five minutes after I walked into the door we headed back out to go to His brother 's . His father 's side of the family was having a belated cookout to celebrate His father 's birthday . It was a good time and I 'm glad that we were able to go . Today has kind of been like playing phone tag . . . but with text messages . I personally prefer text messages over a phone call if it 's going to be a relatively short conversation . My brother had been saying for about the past three weeks that he wants to come up at some point this week . I had sent him a text early last week to try and find out when . He wasn 't sure at that time so I sent him another text today about it and now it 's a maybe for Saturday . I 'm pretty sure that 's the best I 'm going to get out of him at this point . I then contacted my father to see when the estate sale is . My uncle had kind of sort of mentioned last week that it would be this upcoming weekend . I got a text back from my dad saying he doesn 't think it 's going to be this weekend but that they need help sorting through things . I told him that we would help and that I needed to know when . He responded telling me that he has to talk to my uncle and that he would call me later . I wonder if he will actually call tonight or if he 'll send a text or if I 'll hear from him tomorrow . Either way I 'm just going to wait for him to get a hold of me other wise I 'm chasing him again and going to get the same answer repeatedly which only frustrates me more . It doesn 't help that they keep pushing shit back when it comes to this and if it had been left up to me this would have all been done and over with a month ago . After all , it 's not like they haven 't had time to get this done . . . They are just dragging their heels . It 's frustrating but I 'm trying not to get pissy about it . Also , I feel drained as hell today . I know part of it is because I 'm on the rag and another part of it is because it is so damn muggy today . Whenever it 's really hot and / or muggy out I feel like I 'm dragging myself whenever I move . Master is feeling the same way about the weather . Hopefully my dad will get back to me with a specific date and time for when he wants us to come down and help sort . I have no idea what is left to sort through given the fact that the house is pretty empty . . . It 's probably just small insignificant shit that , again , could have been sorted through last month . I 've been pretty irritable today . And part of yesterday as well . I 'm sure part of it is because I should be getting my period soon . Hooray . But I know that 's not all of it . The rest is just well . . . everything . I hate being at a stand still . And that 's exactly where I am . Constantly . And I have been since April . As time goes by it 's only getting worse . And lately it feels like I 'm sitting on a live wire and just waiting to get electrocuted . I 'm not sure if that 's the correct way to describe it but that 's the only way I can think of doing so . The talk Master and I had not that long ago helped . . . But each week that goes by it builds up just a little bit more and another week goes by and it gets cranked up a little bit more . I know it 's not His fault and I really try not to be so tense and irritable . But I really don 't have a way of letting it go . For some reason my body isn 't allowing me to cry . So that outlet isn 't there . I want to scream , but can 't . And I don 't mean scream at someone I mean just one long wordless scream . I mean I could but the cops would most likely get called thinking I 'm being murdered . My screams get pretty damn high pitched too . It would probably make Master 's ears bleed . * laughs * One thing that I want to do I can 't really . I would love to just lay down on our bed with the lights off , door closed , ear buds in , with bass heavy music cranked . I could just close my eyes and focus on absolutely nothing at all . I love getting lost in music . And to me that 's the only way to do it . The reason why I can 't is because we don 't have anything to play music on except for our computer . I have my smart phone but that takes up some of the data plan , since we don 't have wifi . I 'm pretty sure I can 't download and / or upload any music to my phone without a SD card , which I don 't have . Actually , I 'll have to look into that . This phone is still new to me . With my last one I had to have an SD card and I never bought one because I felt that it would be a waste of money . I still think it would be a waste of money . I would love it if I could just lay down in a dark room with some King Diamond , Alice Cooper , WASP , Rob Zombie , and KISS blaring in my ears . I would be one happy chick . Listening to heavy music has always helped me . I 'm sure a lot of people can relate to that . Which is exactly why I 'm listening to music on the computer while I 'm doing this post . I can already feel it helping . I keep rolling my neck and stretching out my arms and arching my lower back a little bit . It 's helping me loosen up a little bit . I don 't feel as tight . Anyway . . the odd thing about this whole tense sensation is that I have known for a long , long time now that there is nothing I can do about it . And for a good week or so I was fine . But now it seems to be building up again . I hate my brain . I hate the situation that I am / we are in . I want to get away from it for a little while but I can 't . It 's not something I can just walk away from for a little while . How can I ? After all it 's not something I can control and it 's not even a thing as it 's a situation . And it 's not even a situation I can walk away from . I 'm surrounded by it . No comments : Today we finally got all of my dad 's and uncle 's stuff out of my grandpa 's house . Well , all the big shit anyway . I know they both still have some small minor stuff they have to grab . But all of that can fit in the trunk of a car , so neither of them were worried about that today , thankfully . It was kind of a cluster fuck yesterday . I sent my dad a text in the early afternoon to see what time he wanted us down there . He said he was going to rent the truck and then would let me know . No problem . Then , as it got closer to 7pm , I sent him another text just asking for an update . The next thing I know my uncle calls me and asks , " Did you just text your dad ? " Yep . Well , apparently my dad had been visiting him and had accidentally left his cell phone out there . So my uncle told me that he thinks my dad said to be there between 11 : 30am and noon . I said no problem and thanked him . I then sent a message to my dad 's next door neighbor and asked him if he could double check with my dad . He informed me that my dad had literally pulled into the driveway , got out , swore his head off , got back in his car and left . I thanked him . At that point I knew my dad was heading back out to see my uncle and get his cell phone . When we pulled up today my dad already had the u - haul truck there . We helped him put a few things in there from his house and then went to my uncle 's apartment and helped him get some of his stuff in the truck . Once all that was done we headed out to my grandpa 's house . We unloaded the truck of their stuff . They want to try and sell it at the estate sale , which should be in a couple of weeks . We put all of the large stuff they were taking from Grandpa 's house and put it in the truck . We stayed there for a little while to catch our breath and so that my uncle could walk Grandpa 's dog . As he was doing so I looked at my dad and said , " I feel kinda bad . I wish I could take the dog . " My dad said he felt bad that he couldn 't either . Once the sale of my grandpa 's house is done they will be giving the dog back to the no - kill breed specific shelter that Grandpa adopted him from . None of us can take him because he has a lot of health issues . He is a great dog . Very loving . But none of us can afford his vet bills . If I knew I could I would take him in a heartbeat . I truly would . But it 's not fair to an animal when you adopt them and take them into your family but can 't afford the medical attention they need . I know things come up , but this wonderful dog has preexisting conditions that we already know would cost a small fortune . So my uncle is keeping him as long as he can out at my grandpa 's house and then will hand him back over to the shelter . The only thing that keeps my heart from completely breaking about that is the fact that I know that they are a no - kill shelter . If it wasn 't a no - kill shelter I would just take the dog and find someone who can care for him and love him . It still does break my heart a little though . It 's not his fault that his " daddy " ( my grandfather ) can no longer take care of him . And now he has to go back to a shelter . Even though it 's a really good one , I still feel bad . I would have loved it if he could have stayed within the family , but he can 't . I really wish we could adopt him . I 'm sure him and our dog would get along great . * smiles * But , like I said , it wouldn 't be fair to the dog since we wouldn 't be able to get him the proper medical attention he needs . After that we basically reversed the process . We went back to my uncle 's and got the few things he took and got them in his apartment . We then went back to my dad 's house and got all of his things put into his house . Trust me , my dad took a lot . Actually more than I originally thought he was taking . I 'm not judging him at all , I was just a bit surprised . We stayed to visit for a while after that . We finally got home around 7pm . I felt kind of bad though because I couldn 't really help all that much . A lot of it was too heavy for me to carry / help carry . But I did what I could and did my best to help out even if I couldn 't lift a lot . It 's getting a bit harder to go out to my grandpa 's house . Especially since every time I go there is less and less there . But I 'll keep doing it as long as they need me to . After all I want to help out as much as I can . It should be all said and done soon . As far as Grandpa himself goes , the drug he was one to keep him docile , for lack of a better term , is wearing off since they can 't give it to him anymore . He has started yelling and cussing people out again . He hasn 't thrown anything yet . So I guess that 's a good thing . Master sent an update to all of His family via e - mail regarding my grandfather and explaining why we have been so absent . He explained everything , using my blog for details that He needed to include , so that they would understand . He said that we are on red alert . Which is true . I never thought about it that way , but really it 's the best way to describe it . Later on last night Master and I had a conversation regarding what is bothering both of us . He was explaining how my family is driving Him nuts . Everyone basically is coming to me to try and vent and / or pass along information . It 's true and it 's pretty much always been that way . I 'm not sure why but I 'm use to it . Master , however , is not . . . At least not in this way . He sees that it stresses me out . He told me that He understands that I 'm doing everything I can to not shoot myself in the foot as well as walking that fine line between both of my parents . Then again since they got a divorce I have been doing that . ( I was almost 17 at the time . ) It has never been this bad though , so it is a lot more difficult . I think He felt better once He got that off of His chest . I understand where He is coming from and that since I am so use to it I didn 't really notice it going on . He told me that while I can 't shoot myself in the foot I also can 't put everyone else ahead of what I need to do to keep myself from breaking apart . After that part of the conversation was done I had to get a few things off my chest as well . I told Him that I wish I could just break down and sob for a good long while . I 'm not putting on my brave face . I 'm not keeping myself so strong that I am not allowing myself to do so . I want to let go . I want to break down at least long enough to cry for a good amount of time . That may sound silly but I honestly think it would make me feel better . I don 't know if it 's my medication not allowing me to or what . . . I 've been able to cry for a while but not like how I wish I could . I cry and then I shut it down . I 'm not sure how , but I do it . I also told Him that certain other things that are going on have me attempting to hope for the best but plan for the worst but I don 't know when it is okay to start doing that . Basically when should I start planning for the worst , should it come to pass . It 's not exactly something that I would be able to do in a day . It would take some preparation . He put me at ease , more so than He probably knows , by telling me to basically wait until the beginning of next month and then we 'll start planning . It really did make me feel better . At least I know when to start and that He 'll be there right with me helping me to do so . This prevents me from driving myself crazy as well as not wanting to bring it up because it 's not exactly a pleasant subject . Like I said , I 'm truly hoping for the best . But I 'm just one of those people that have to plan for the worst as much as possible so that I know that there is an in case of emergency break glass cover . Master and I had sex last night for the first time in what feels like forever . I know it isn 't . It 's been about a week to a week and a half at most . It 's not as if we are not wanting to or anything it 's just that all of the stress is weighing on us . And it seems to be getting worse every day . Everything is so up in the air that it is feels as if it is just doubling the amount of stress we are both experiencing . And the past few days have not helped . I got some news yesterday about my grandfather . My uncle took him to a doctor appointment to obtain some test results . As horrible as it sounds my grandpa didn 't really need to be there since he really doesn 't know what is going on and both my uncle and my father have medical power of attorney ; however my uncle always brings him with . I think it just makes him feel better about it . One of the results is that my grandpa has lewy body dementia . It is in the late stages and honestly explains a lot . He was never diagnosed with it before because back when Grandpa still had control over his medical conditions the only doctors he was going to was in regards to his heart and even then he was missing some . What does it explain exactly ? His hallucinations , his violent outbursts , his confusion , and his delusions . It is somewhat related to Parkinson 's . This fact also explains why he has been walking with a shuffle for a long time now as well as why he has fallen so many times with no memory of having done so . Remember how the nursing home was giving him medication to calm him down so he wouldn 't harm himself ? Well , apparently they can 't give that to him anymore due to this new diagnosis . This means that his violent streaks are very likely to come back . All of those symptoms that were already showing and apparent were thought to be related to the fact that he wasn 't taking his insulin and also because his heart is in such horrible condition . Well , all of that isn 't helping but now we all have to realize that he has this other condition and explains a lot . So , currently , Grandpa has lewy body dementia , diabetes , a half dead heart , the connection from the brain to the heart that controls heart rate surgically severed , and a pace maker / auto defibrillator that is on a low battery . This only makes me wonder even more how this man is still breathing . Especially when there is no will power to stay here . It doesn 't make sense . However , the other piece of information I received was that the move to get all of my dad 's and my uncle 's stuff out of Grandpa 's house is this upcoming week . They were just waiting on my uncle 's work schedule . He normally gets it on Saturday 's so I called him today . Oddly enough his boss didn 't give him the schedule today so he should get it tomorrow . He asked me to call him back tomorrow afternoon sometime after 3pm . Everything just seems to be on a countdown with so many life changing variables and there is nothing I can do about it but hope for the best . My ability to stay positive is weakening every day . I 'm really trying to hold onto it and most of the time I can . But there are times throughout the week that it is just gone all together . Those are the times I just wish I could scream as loud as I possibly can for as long as I can . But ya know , that would only get the cops called because someone would think I was being murdered . I was talking to my mother the other day when she was telling me that her husband had gone to visit Grandpa . Apparently what he had told her was that Grandpa remembered him . Well , he hasn 't recognized anyone for quite some time . And if he does it 's for only a few minutes . So my mother asked him some clarifying questions . The result of said questioning came out to be the fact that he was lying . Grandpa talked to him but didn 't say his name at all . He had no clue who the hell he was he simply knew that someone was there and they held a conversation . Guess what ? That conversation had nothing to do with anyone in the family . And when he left Grandpa said something along the lines of " Say hi to the gang for me . " Again , her husband took that as he remembered everyone . No . That 's not it at all . He lives anywhere in time for the past 65 years of his 74 . And most of it is not anywhere near the present time . So again my mother had asked him if Grandpa mentioned anyone in particular . He said no . My mother and I both got ticked off at that . You can 't say he remembers people when he is just simply interacting with you and you can 't assume he remembers the people in the here and now when he has been living in the past pretty much permanently now . And by the past I mean before my mother met my father and so obviously before my brother and I were born . Giving us false hope is not appreciated . I told my mother that he can 't do that and it pisses me the hell off . She agreed with me . I guess at some point she had a talk with him about it because the next time I talked to her she told me that he understood and that he was sorry he upset all of us . Well , I 'm sorry . But I 'd rather hear the horrible truth rather than a beautiful lie . I know he didn 't mean to but he can 't fuck with my emotions like that . He had " good intentions " but that 's not a good excuse at all . And lately it doesn 't take much to piss me off . I have apologized to my Husband quite a bit lately . I 've told Him that I know I 'm being short with Him but it 's not because of Him . It 's just everything else . I 'm overwhelmed . I 'm constantly trying to figure out shit that I have no control of at all . And so is Master . Neither of us have been handling this all too well in the past few days . I mean we haven 't been handling it well for a long time but it 's just getting worse . Neither of us are sleeping really . For the past few days I 'm having a hard time sleeping all night through . Most of it is that half in and out shit . But then all day long I 'm tired and spacey as hell . Today is a good example . But then my Uncle continued to say that it 'll be another two weeks minimum after that before they have the estate sale . To me that is just fucking stupid . To me , if you have everything out of the house that you want then you would be able to and should have the estate sale ASAP . That way it 's done and over with . Why the hell would you want to prolong it ? I mean if it 's about paperwork then just take all that with you . It 's not like you have to do it out at Grandpa 's house . I was also told that I could always contact my dad and see if I could kind of move him along . I 'm sorry , but I 'm not chasing that anymore . Why ? Because I 've tried to in the past and all I get is the whole " I know . We 'll do it in two weeks . " Then the two weeks come up and he pushes it off . My uncle is no better . In the beginning it all seemed like it was my dad but now I can see that some of it is my uncle as well . So right now I 'm just waiting on two phone calls . One telling me exactly when they need help moving shit and the other telling me when the hell the sale is so I can be out there . The only other call to wait on , as horrible as it sounds , is the one telling me that my grandfather has passed away . 2 comments : Well , last night I was unable to fall asleep until a little after 4am . I tried to go to bed when Master did but I kept tossing and turning and Master said that if I wasn 't tired I didn 't have to stay in bed . . . So I got up and went into the living room . I applied to some jobs , so at least the insomnia was productive for a change . But again , here I am , at 3 : 31am , wide the hell awake . I just took my bipolar medication and a benadryl . I took my bipolar medication because I always take it right before bedtime but since I am staying up later than usual I wanted to take it now so I didn 't somehow forget about it before heading to the bedroom . I took the benadryl to try and make me tired . I don 't know how well that is going to work out , but it 's worth a shot . I did some more job searching and I found a job to apply to . The odd thing was that at the end of the application they gave me a phone number to call with a specific ID number to punch in so I could do a pre - recorded phone screen interview . I ducked into the kitchen to take it in the hopes that my talking wouldn 't wake Master . It doesn 't seem like it did since He stayed in bed . That is honestly the first time I 've ever had to do that . I 've had phone interviews before but they were always talking with a live person , not a recording that was asking me questions and having me leave answers like I was leaving a voice mail . Weird . Anyway , I have no idea why the hell my mind is spinning . I mean it 's not like anything has changed . My Grandpa is still alive even though none of us know how in the hell he is surviving at this point . He has lost a lot of weight , really isn 't eating anything , and is slipping back in time more and more . He is also sleeping a lot more . The battery on his pace maker has been extremely low since April . We just don 't understand and all wish that he was at peace . I will say one thing before I go to bed . It is the fact that I 've been sleeping cuddled up with a stuffed animal almost every night lately . I normally only do that if I am really not feeling well . But now I am doing it out of pure stress . It sounds stupid but it does seem to help a little . No comments : My neck is doing better . We had gone down to my father 's a couple of days ago and my neck was still fucking with me . As a result my dad asked me if I wanted any ibuprofen . I said yes and so he handed me 800 milligrams worth . He knows how I am . After all he used to have to deal with it as I was growing up . That may sound like a lot , especially since I 'm only 5ft1 and petite but for whatever reason I normally need a high dose of pain killers . It may be because of the fact that I 've been dealing with fibromyalgia since I was a pre - teen . And I use to take some strong shit for that and my horrible migraines that would literally knock out my vision . I don 't remember what I was taking for the migraines . . . . The name of the drug escapes me . And since I 'm allergic to codeine I would have to take high doses of ibuprofen because Vicodin and all that has codeine in it . I found out that I was allergic to codeine the hard way because I was taking Tylenol 3 with codeine and nope . . I was sicker than a dog . Over the years my body just picked up a tolerance to normal doses of ibuprofen when I was in a lot of pain . As a result I had to up the dosage over and over again . Hell even with " normal " levels of pain require higher dosages . Unless it is to the point that I think my neck is going to lock I normally do one of the following : If I take anything less than that it doesn 't even begin to put a dent in it . And all of my doctors in the past have told me to take the high dosages due to my tolerance and even when I go to the ER for my neck they give me 600 milligrams of ibuprofen . And it 's not a small bottle they give me . If I could take medication with codeine in it I wouldn 't need to take a high dosage . But I can 't . Well , I could but only if I want to be throwing up constantly and possibly break out into hives . I 've had some doctors try to tell me those are side effects rather than an allergy . Fuck that noise . Last night I wanted to write to get some shit out of my head . However , it wasn 't something that I felt comfortable blogging about . It 's not inappropriate . It 's not anything like that . It was just not something I wanted to share with the world wide web . And I also hate making " private " posts . You know . . The ones that you have to type a password into in order to read it . Those , to me , if you have a public blog , don 't make a lot of sense . I 'm not judging anyone and honestly I thought about making a " private " post to get it all out of my head because I 'm faster at typing than I am writing something out by hand . But I decided against it . I wrote it all down and then I went to soak in the tub and read for a bit just to get some tension out of my neck that has been bothering me for four days . Due to issues with my neck and shoulders it can get to the point where my neck locks in one position . Thankfully that hasn 't happened yet and I am doing everything I can for it not to happen aside from getting muscle relaxers . I am trying to avoid that . Soaking in the tub can help a lot . And last night it did relieve some of the discomfort , thankfully . Due to what I wrote down and what Master and I had been talking about the past few days I woke up this morning feeling like I needed to get something pinned down as either a definite yes or no answer . Because I can and because it is a relief . Also , I needed to do a post tonight anyway so I might as well do it about this even if I can 't really go into much about it . Well , I can but I won 't . And I know that Master will not be upset with me about it . We have discussed it and we both feel a bit better now . And He knows why I am being vague . We have never had bad sex . Ever . Not in eleven years . And while this morning it was not bad sex it was a little . . . I can 't decide on a word here . Awkward ? I don 't know . That word doesn 't feel right either but we 'll run with it for now I guess . Anyway , last night I was feeling a bit frisky but Master wasn 't really feeling it mainly because He was stressed out due to some conversations we had earlier that evening . Sometimes I react to stress by wanting to fuck . Sometimes that 's how He deals with it too but last night wasn 't one of them . I went to bed earlier than usual just because I was bored and just kind of blah as the night went on . As a result I got up before He did this morning , which is rare . I stayed up for about a hour before I went back into the bedroom and crawled into bed next to Him . I wanted to wake Him up by stroking His cock but He was laying on His stomach . As a result I nuzzled His arm until He woke up enough to roll onto His side . I immediately reached down to grab His dick but He said , " At least let me use the bathroom first . " * laughs * I got off twice very , very hard . They were the kind of orgasms where your whole body shakes . He wasn 't as interactive because He was simply laying back and enjoying the sensations and enjoying watching me . But eventually I started to cramp a little bit . I didn 't want it to get any worse so I asked if He would pull me by my legs . I moved my legs into position but because I was a little sweaty He had a difficult time getting a good grip . And then His lower back started to hurt . So there we are . . I don 't want my cramping to start going again and neither of us wanted His back to hurt so eventually He just looked up at me and said , " So what do you wanna do ? " I basically shrugged my shoulders and said , " Do You want to sit up so I can blow You ? " I got off of Him and He sat up . He gathered up my hair and my neck had been bothering me the night before ( still is a little ) and as a result I didn 't feel like I was giving as good of a blowjob as I normally do . He got off and shot His cum down my throat and still seemed pleased . I already had those two amazing orgasms . So it 's not like we didn 't enjoy ourselves . It was still really good sex . . . It was just a little weird because we kind of had to think it through and start and stop things a few times rather than what we normally do which is just switch things up when it feels right and it all flows . No comments : |
I have a fascination with basements because the first time I ever saw one or was in one was about 15 years ago . In this part of the state only the real old houses have basements . One of the reasons they did was so people had a cool place to go during the hot time of the year . It also served as a storage area for the larder . My house sits on a concrete slab . I just dream of having a basement . A few years ago I changed the flooring in my house . I pulled out all the carpet . I do have a few rooms with hardwood floors and those will stay because they cost too much and I really like them . The rest of the flooring got replaced with either stamped colored cement or with tile . When I first moved into this house I pulled the carpet out of the hallway . I didn 't really have the money to replace it with anything and I also didn 't know what I wanted to do with the floor . I went to the store and spent about fifty dollars on a bunch of cans of Make it Rock which is a spray paint that comes out in blotches . You spray it on and it looks like granite . You are supposed to spray it on flower pots and stuff . I sprayed it on the floor . I did this for the hall and kids bathroom . It comes with the spray and also an overcoat . I kept it that way for seven or eight years . It actually looked pretty good . I do like the feel of carpet under my feet . Just vacuumed carpet looks good too . I remember my first house with long shag carpet . We had a carpet rake to make the shag all go in the same direction ! There are a couple reasons that the carpets were pulled . First is with kids it gets dirty quickly . Second , if you , or the people who lived in the house before you had pets , at least one pet will have used the carpet as a cat box or lawn . Even if it 's cleaned and sanitized , it doesn 't come out of the pad . When you pull out a carpet and pad you will be shocked at the pad . Third , carpet catches fire . The fire aspect is the main reason I don 't want carpet in my house . You can throw a small rug on the floor in certain spots if you want to have some comPosted by How do you fix something when you 've never fixed it before and you don 't know how ? Sometimes I wonder how Army daughter could be as high ranking as she is . I suppose all her common sense goes to that and then there 's little room left for anything else . Her car is at the shop getting repaired . It 's been there for a couple of weeks because the local Ford dealer can 't quite figure out what the problem is . I spoke to the mechanic at work and he said it may just be one of those problems where you have to try one fix and if it doesn 't work try another and another until your process of elimination is over . Anyway , she wanted to take the grandkids out to the school , which although is the most local " park " it 's still over five miles away . OK , she could borrow my truck . Just be careful . She 's usually a good driver and none of the girls want to be put into the same category as their brother who totaled my car a few years back . When she came back she said there was a little problem because she hit the garage door . Actually it was the trim around the door that she hit with the mirror as she was pulling in the garage . She ripped it completely away from the wall . She kept proclaiming that she was really sorry and that we better call her insurance company to pay for the repair . What ? ? ? ? Fix it yourself , I told her . How ? First look at see the nondamaged side to see what it 's supposed to look like . The rubber trim was pulled out of the wood . The trim is held on by nails . Go into the garage and get the same size nails . Then pull out the old nails and put new ones in . Don 't nail them all the way in with the hammer or you will mark the wood . You can use another nail to push them in , or get a punch out of the toolbox . Just remember to look at what 's there , how it was put together , then recreate it . It 's not really hard to do most home repairs . The other day she tried making coffee . My coffee maker isn 't that hard to use . We 've gone over it several times and to make it really easy , I have two of everything so as she removes something she can replace it with the identical part . There are five parts to making coffee . Part 1 . Add the beans . You open the top and take out the grinder . Notice how the lid attaches . Take the clean grinder . Put beans in up to the line . Put the grinder lid on . Put it back into the spot the grinder goes in - the same spot you took out the dirty grinder . Part 2 . Put in the filter . Take out the old filter with the used wet coffee grounds in it . Notice the three pieces to the filter system : the top and bottom of the filter container and the mesh filter . Put the mesh filter into the filter container . Put it back in the same spot you took the other filter out of . Look at what you just removed . Set up the clean one the same way . Part 3 . Take out the coffee pot and lid and put in a clean coffee pot and lid . Do not forget to put on the lid to the coffee pot . You did notice that the dirty one had a lid on , didn 't you ? Of course not . Part 4 . Pour the water in up to the 12 cup line . Part 5 . Press start . Since you didn 't put the lid on the coffee pot the filter isn 't going to be able to drain the coffee out the bottom . Did you not notice that the lid has a little hump in it to push on the plug of the filter ? No ? This means the coffee is going to come out the top of the filter and spill out oI guess I 've gotten used to fixing things myself . It saves money and often time , and it makes me more self sufficient . I suppose that 's why Army daughter and her husband would rather be in an apartment in the city than " banished " to the countryside as they are now . Posted by The local news reported that police are looking for robbers who tied up and beat up a woman in her own home during a home invasion robbery . The man and woman stole the woman 's car , bank card , jewelry , and electronics . The woman was able to get free and go to a neighbor 's home for help . The story continued with a report that neighbors said they 've seen a suspicious couple in the area over the past few weeks . I have some questions about this story . What time in the morning ? Was the woman up and about or in bed sleeping ? Was the woman home alone ? Was this a surprise attack ? Did she have the tv or radio blasting so she wouldn 't have been aware of any noise in her house ? Did the couple knock on the door , kick down the door , walk in through an open and unlocked door , break a window , or exactly how did they get in ? How long were they there ? How did she escape ? I used to assume my home was a safe place . I kept the doors and windows open all night for ¾ of the year . I lost my house key and didn 't replace it for several years . During that time my house was never locked . I do live in a safe place , but really , no place is safe if it happens to be the place the bad guys pick . If I heard a strange noise I 'd go outside to investigate . I would bring a cell phone with me that was dialed to 911 ( all I 'd have to do is press Send ) just in case I 'd come across someone who wasn 't supposed to be on my property . I still assume my home is a safe place . I don 't keep the doors locked all the time . If the grandkids are home that would be a pain . If I 'm holed up in the house working on the computer or something , the doors are closed , but not always locked . On the other hand , at night I no longer keep the doors wide open . They are closed and locked . I also have an alarm system at the house . It has a door chime function and I have it set to chime every time a door or window opens . I 've also told the grandkids that they are supposed to call out that they are home when they come in from school or from being away for any What if it 's today ? - A survivalist 's blog I had to head up north today for work . It was one of those three hour drives but today I seemed to get behind every slow driver . I 'm not talking about someone who was driving the speed limit in the fast lane of the freeway , I mean people who were driving 35 in a 55 on the country roads . It was good that I didn 't have to actually give my presentation until after lunch . I really wasn 't in a hurry . I did my normal of leaving town with a full tank of gas and a couple filled gas cans . I can make the round trip on one tank of gas . I don 't . Two hours into the trip I stopped and got fuel . I completed the trip there and on the way home I filled up again . I told all at home that I wouldn 't be home until about 20 : 00 so this gave me extra time to explore some side roads on the way home . I spent about 10 miles on roads that I 've never been on . I was surprised to come upon a town that I 'd never been through either . I thought I 'd been everywhere . When I got up to my destination I went to the back of the truck ( always backing in to the parking space for a quick escape ) which was a couple of feet from the side of a building . I opened up the camper shell and tailgate and got my stuff out . Then as I walked back to the front of my truck I completely forgot about the railroad tie that was used to delineate the edge of the rock parking area and the beginning of the walkway . I fell over . Fortunately there were no witnesses ! At least , if anyone witnessed it they pretended that they didn 't . I tore the knee of my pants and skinned my knee . At least I was smart enough to drop the things in my hands and catch my fall . I didn 't have the large poster board in my hands when I tripped . I would have been really upset if I messed that up since it was the main visual prop for my presentation to the legislature folks that showed up . It wasn 't until I got home and took my boots off did I realize that I twisted my ankle and it was now twice the size of my other ankle ! Oh well . I took some ibuprofen and sent an email to my supervisor . The weather is sI like to read the billboards along the way on the freeway . Some are funny . Some are stupid and I can 't believe that companies actually spend money on them . I did see one that really caught my eye . Prepare for Disaster ! Have a bag packed , Have a plan , and a third thing but I drove by and missed it . I think it was a FEMA billboard , or maybe CalEMA . It got me to thinking about how that billboard is probably going to be ignored by the thousands of people who drive by each day . Prepare for Disaster ! People around here don 't know what disaster means . We don 't have the devastating tornadoes that are happening in the east . We don 't have hurricanes or earthquakes . We don 't flood . Fires are in the foothills and mountains . What disaster was this billboard aiming for with the people driving down Highway 99 in the Great Central Valley ? A house fire ? A drive - by shooting ? Perhaps the disaster is a traveling disaster like a car accident . The billboard certainly wasn 't going to say Prepare for terrorist attack ! Prepare for economic collapse ! Prepare for inflation ! Prepare for roving gangs ! Still , it 's good to get the word out . I think when I go to work on Friday I 'll bring up the billboard and see if I can get a conversation started . Maybe that 's what it 's there for - to start conversations . On a side note , Army daughter this morning said she heard gold is going up to record levels . " That 's good , right ? " , she said . " That means the economy is doing better and things are doing better . " No , I told her . It 's just the opposite . Gold goes up when confidence is low and things aren 't doing well . Perhaps I should start my billboard conversations with her . At work I saw a pile of pallets and wondered if I could take them home . I went to ask the warehouse manager but he was off . I then asked his boss . She said she didn 't know if we got a refund if they were returned or if they just would get hauled off . She told me to ask another of the warehouse type people . The other person that she was referring to was off as well . I then spoke to one of the mechanics and he said that it was ok to take them as long as I didn 't sell them . Not a problem . I loaded eight of the best pallets into the back of the truck . We will use the wood at home as there are always projects that need wood . Then he told me that at another work location there was a huge stack of wood that was pallets or something but that the wood had already been pulled apart and was now a pile of stacked boards . Those were available too . I went to that location today and was told that not only was there this stack of pallets and boards but that under the pole barn was more wood that I could take , as long as I didn 't sell it . At the pole barn were about 10 stacks of pallets and a torn down fence . The fence was 1x6 and 1x8 dog eared boards attached to 2x4s and a 4x4 post . Each panel was about five feet wide . I hit the jackpot . Since this truck was the one with the camper shell I couldn 't get all of the wood that I wanted but I got six or seven fence panels plus about 20 pieces that were already pulled from the panels . With a full load I happily drove home . I can go back as often as I want for more . Since I have to head back that way at the end of the week I 'll fill the truck up again . Posted by The power went off last night . I don 't know why . We paid the bill . Actually it went off then on then off then on then off all within about 30 seconds . With the third off I got up from reading and went into the kitchen to get a candle . I did have a flashlight within a six inch reach of where I was sitting but didn 't need it . Although it was dark out I can walk through my house with my eyes closed and go to the correct cabinet to get matches and also to the correct drawer to pull out a candle . The room I was in had candle and matches too but I chose the kitchen because it was closer to where the majority of the people were . I called out to Army daughter and son - in - law that I was going to light a candle . As I lit the match the lights went back on again . I put the candle into the holder and put it onto the dining room table . I called out that I 'm leaving the candle lit and on the table . Granddaughter climbed out of bed and came out of her room to tell me her fish tank pump was broken because it kept going on and off . She said she thought it was overflowing . I think she is going to be dreaming about overflowing toilets after the afternoons bathroom flood . I told her that it was just the power going on and off . She asked why ? I said that I had no idea why the power was going off but it didn 't matter . We didn 't really need the power anyway . That 's not really quite true . While we didn 't need the power last night because it was bedtime anyway , what if we lost power for a day or a week or a month ? A day . . . not a problem . Keep the freezer and refrigerator doors closed . Use a match to light the propane stove since the electronic ignition wouldn 't work . Drink water from the reserves . Toilets ? We only have one flush per toilet without power because the well won 't pump to refill the tank . We do have the outhouse I built in the garden . We also have the trailer toilet which uses much less water because it goes directly into the tank so water isn 't needed to push it through the pipes . What about a week ? If I couldn 't get some dry iPosted by I was reading in my library when I heard grandson call out , come in the bathroom . It is his week to clean the bathroom and he was working through his list ( shower , toilet , trash , mirror , counter and sink , floor ) . I figured it was one of his endless requests for me to come and check one item on the list . I didn 't respond right away then his voice sounded a little worried as he called for me to come . As I was walking down the hall he spotted me and said it 's overflowing . The water was flowing over the rim of the toilet and was starting to flow into the hall . Army daughter came running when she heard him say it was overflowing . She and I had two completely different first reactions . Hers was to run to the end of the hall and get towels . Mine was to walk into the bathroom and turn off the water valve on the wall behind the toilet . I took the towels from her and used them to stop the flow out of the bathroom . She went to get more towels . I stopped her and said it 's good for the moment . She could even go back to the game the kids and grandkids were playing . I went out to the garage and got the shop vac . I brought it in and sucked up over two gallons of water , in addition to the water that the towels soaked up . I did ask where the rag was that Grandson was using to clean the bathroom . He said that nothing extra went down the toilet when he flushed it . I used the plunger to unplug the toilet and it opened up right away and didn 't pull anything up . The plumbing has worked just fine since . After we had a family meeting . What if I wasn 't home ? What steps should they have taken ? I taught the grandkids how to turn the valve to shut off the water at the toilet . I don 't think they 'd be able to unlatch the shopvac from the wall so I told them that using towels to clean it up was fine . It got me to thinking about toilets in general . Of course we all talk about stocking up on toilet paper . Jokes are made about the old Sears catalogues but that wouldn 't work with a septic system , only an outhouse . Do we have enough toilet parts to What if it 's today ? - A survivalist 's blog With brother - in - law over this weekend we spent the day working on the front gate . The wrought iron fence and gate were installed last fall but we had problems with the automatic gate opener . We spent the day using the welder ( which he brought up from San Diego - it cost $ 1000 , I asked ) and got it put together . It uses a solar powered opener which charges a battery . A fully charged battery should last a month during the winter fog season when we may go for a week or two without seeing the sun . From the street to the house it 's about 250 feet . The wrought iron gate is about 25 feet off the road . It 's deep enough for a vehicle to pull off the road safely while the gate is opening . My concern was if that gate was compromised . The gate is supposed to have about 100 codes which really isn 't many . The good thing is that it 's a very high end gate opener ( even though we aren 't high end ) and not too many people around here used this brand . If someone was going around trying to open gates , they would be assuming that most people had the one or two most common brands . We also have a second gate on the driveway . This gate is about 200 feet from the road . Someone can get through the first gate but still not be able to drive straight up to the house because of the second gate . It 's just a farm gate and people can just jump right over it but it will stop the vehicle . The main reason I wanted this was if someone wanted to break into the house , their vehicle would be visible from the road . If this second gate wasn 't there it 's really easy to drive around the house and park . It would make that intruder virtually invisible from the road . Brother - in - law needed to make a run to Home Depot because the mounting hardware wasn 't right . During this time I went out to the garden and dug up one of the asparagus plants . I planted these about 10 years ago and they 've really gotten large . The one original plant was able to be divided into about 30 - 40 new plants . I gave six to the next door neighbor and six to my sister to bring back to San DiegWhat if it 's today ? - A survivalist 's blog Part of being a survivalist or a prepper is to be prepared for not only minor events but also major events . When something goes wrong there are many people who want to help the victims in national or international tragedies and also more localized events such as fires , accidents or deaths . When people help others they are also helping themselves deal with these situations . What are some of the things you can do ? Structure is important , not confusion and chaos . Slow down your life . You don 't need every minute to be planned in advance with classes or sports . Maintain normal routines . If you don 't have routines start to do so . Meal time , sleeping time , and family time should be maintained as well as possible . Structure enhances your strength and stamina , especially in the face of danger . This provides security . You may need to follow common sense rules and adjust to threats to further your security . Children need to know that their families will be there for them . Assure those around you . They need to know that everything is being done to further stop , fix , or prevent the event . They need to know that an effort is being made to bring forth justice . They need to know they are loved and are important to you . Take action . Do something . Be calm . Read a book to a child . Help out your elderly neighbor . Write a letter to a soldier or first responder . Encourage each other . Listen . Offer guidance and support . Spend time with people you like . People need current , accurate and practical information . It will reduce stress and anxiety . It can assist and guide you . This doesn 't mean you should be glued to the tv or radio listening and watching evil events on the news . The news shows repeat the same stories each hour . Do you need to hear it two or three times ? Be positive . Make good decisions . Tell the truth even when it is not good news . Provide as much detail as in necessary or able to be understood . Keep secrets where secrecy is needed , but speak the truth . Counter rumors with facts . It is normal to have negative feelingsWhat if it 's today ? - A survivalist 's blog The morning started off well . I was able to work for a few hours before I had to deal with grandkids or relatives . I had to return a call to one of the state senator 's offices and didn 't have a baby screaming in the background . The call went well . They got an answer to their question that was what they were hoping to get . The grandkids awoke , including one extra that didn 't go home with his parents last night . That was the 15 year old who was sort of in trouble at home and sort of just staying over here to get a break . In order for him to stay the night he had to promise to do chores . That 's a pretty good deal : feed a fifteen year old boy in exchange for chores . I treated him the same as the other grandkids . You are hungry . Go pick something off a tree . I had five fruit trees that I bought about a month ago and they needed planting soon . I just wasn 't able to plant them because I couldn 't dig the holes with my arm the way it 's been . What a perfect task for the 15 year old and the 8 year old . How to plant trees . Dig the hole the right size , about three times wider than the container the tree is in and about 1 1 / 2 to 2 times deeper . Take the soil that you just dug and put it into the big bucket . Add some compost and mix it well . Put water into the hole . Figure out how much soil needs to go back into the hole to get the tree at the right level . Hold the tree straight ! Put soil in . Add water . Tap it down with your foot . Repeat the process . Hold the tree straight ! Perfect . They repeated the process on all five trees . I think the 15 year old can go home and plant some fruit trees for his mom . It 's a wonderful skill . San Diego nephew is five years old . He loves coming to our farm and visiting his cousins . He got to climb trees . He fed the chickens . He was swinging on his belly on the swing set and slipped off falling flat on his face . I was about 25 feet away trying to root some grapevines and was supervising . Had to drop what I was doing and go over when he started crying . I picked him up and saw that he had a bloody lWhat if it 's today ? - A survivalist 's blog Once again our house is crazy with a bunch of relatives descending on us for their vacation . Some actually arrived before we got home yesterday . Before I left for Southern California I wrote out a list of stuff for Army daughter to do . One of the things on the list was to take the turkey out of the freezer on Monday , put it into the ice chest and partially put on the lid . I figured by this morning it would be ready for me to put into the salt brine for a few hours and then stick it into the oven around noon . It was to be the main course at dinner tonight for the 20 plus people who were going to be sitting at our table . I went out to the garage this morning to bring in the turkey . No turkey in the ice chest . Oops , Army daughter forgot . I think it was a conspiracy because everyone was asking if I would cook a brisket instead . Sure , I have to go to the vet this morning so cat can get his stitches out . I 'll go to the meat market on the way home . I also had to make some photo copies because I didn 't get that done the other day and nobody volunteered to do it when they were in town . I was not happy . In fact , I was starting to get into a bad mood having to even leave the property when I was expecting to hang out at home with the company . I went to the vet . All was good with the cat . ( I think I forgot to write that renters of the bug - out property brought their dog over and he stepped on one of our cats and broke the cat 's pelvis . ) I walked out of the vet and looked at my truck tire . It sort of looked low , but perhaps I was mistaken and it was just the way I had the wheels turned when I parked it . Then I went to the photo copy store . I was making two sided copies and the machine kept jamming . I was really getting ticked off but tried to be pleasant . When I was done I went out to the truck and noticed the tire was really low - almost too low to drive on it without wrecking it . Change of plans , off to the tire shop . ( Note to self : Buy one of those small compressors for the truck that will pump your tire . ) I got there and thWhen I left I realized that there was a reason that I had the flat tire . I needed to slow down and get out of the bad mood . While most people would have been in an even worse mood after the tire incident , it put me into a great mood . God was telling me to get over myself . It really wasn 't a big deal that the turkey didn 't get defrosted or that I needed to run some errands . I headed off to the meat market , visited with the owner for a while , then went home . I got home and played with the grandkids for a while , then started preparing dinner . We had a great meal . This would be a really stupid thing to write about today except it was really just a normal day with normal stresses . Sometimes we get so worked up about things that aren 't such a big deal that it ruins our day , our health , and our happiness . Imagine if TSHTF and all the people at my house today were going to stay for a month or two or three rather than just a week ? How would we deal with the personality differences that are easy enough to over look for just a week ? We would need to have a solid hierarchy that was acceptable to all - with me in charge of the group of course . . . Why would I be in charge ? It 's not just because it 's my house or I 'm the oldest of the clan . Rather it 's because I 'm logical , I handle stress well , and I know how to spread around the tasks that need to be done by relying on people 's strengths . Every once in a while I just need a flat tire to remind me of that . Posted by We are back from our trip to Southern California . It was a fun trip . We got to visit friends and relatives , which I always find enjoyable . Girl is in fourth grade and in California this means studying missions . Things have changed since I was in 4th grade . Sure it was a million years ago according to the grandkids , but so much of history has changed in order . Now the Spaniards were evil mongers where when I was a child they were kind religious people trying to modernize the Indians . Of course I don 't believe that they were all kind , in most cases they were very harsh to the Indians . But grandson got it right . The main reason for the missions was to make more Catholics . I brought the kids to the mission in Ventura last Sunday . We walked through the mission courtyard into the side door of the church during the middle of services . Sshhhh I told the grandkids . They are praying and we need to be respectful . Boy grabbed a palm leaf and started twisting it into shapes just like the other little boys were doing . Then the priest started speaking . What language is it ? Latin . In Catholic services they speak Latin . Oh , said the boy . " Those people are Catholics ! Just like when the missions were here . " We are still in the mission 's church , so yes they are Catholics . Boy was very impressed that next year he is going to learn about missions and he already knows that Catholics still use the mission . I realized that the kids know Christians and Jews and Presbyterians ( two of our friends are Presbyterian pastors ) but they don 't really understand that each religion is split into different groups who have basically the same beliefs but different ways of interpreting how to carry out those beliefs . Starting with missions is a good start . We had dinner with my brothers and sisters last night . Actually one brother called from England during dinner so it counted that he was there . Topics included shopping and the prices of everything . I said that while I was glad I didn 't have to work in Southern California on Tuesday , the downside was that I had to drive my own truck rather than the work truck . The trip cost me $ 150 in gas that I wasn 't planning on spending . We somehow got on the topic of self defense . When most were out of the room I pulled out my CCW permit and handed it to my brother - in - law . He was surprised and asked how I got it and if I was armed and how he could get one . I told him that the sheriff in my county encourages people to apply for the permit . I don 't know how it is in his county but because he is a business owner who often has to deal with a lot of cash , he probably could get one . He said that they do have a gun in the house up in their bedroom . The house also has an elaborate alarm system and they live in a gated neighborhood . Their home does back up to open space , so it would be easy for someone to hike in to their property . We got home this afternoon and San Diego sister and nephew caravaned to our house . San Diego brother - in - law is flying in for the weekend . We were talking to each other over the phone during the drive . She was asking about solar power , the different types , and if solar would be a good idea for them . They are slowly coming around . Once we got home the kids took off playing and I went around to all the animals and plants to make sure it all survived the four days we were gone . After all , Army daughter promised to take care of everything while we were away and I wrote out a detailed list of what to do . First I headed out to the baby chickens . Son - in - law said that daughter had just watered the chicks before she left for school an hour earlier . I 'm not quite sure what she did because there are three water containers in their coop . Two are quart jars that are attached to plastic waterers . The third container is a oThen I went out to the front to check on the sheep . All were well . Finally I checked on the cats . They had food and water . Then I was off to the garden . None of the asparagus got cut so most of the plants have ferned out . There were some stalks coming up but the season is about over because they didn 't cut any asparagus . They didn 't cut any artichokes but they are still ok . They 'll get cut tomorrow . The newly planted grapes and strawberries didn 't get watered . It 's a good thing that I watered them well before we left . None of the peppers or tomatoes were watered . I know it 's a lot to expect someone to take care of your plants and animals when you leave but in this case , Army daughter volunteered so I didn 't have oldest daughter come over to take care of things . I had everything written down . I 'm not sure where the disconnect was . Fortunately nothing died so I suppose all is well . It 's good to be home and I 'm sure I 'll be spending extra time in the garden tomorrow to make it up to my plants and animals . I used to love coming down to Southern California but lately each time I come down I have a really critical eye . I look at the amount of people , the roads , the built environment - buildings and structures . It 's just so crowded . There is still a lot of farmland in this area but if TSHTF there 's not enough space for everyone . Few new homes are being built , instead multi - family housing is going in everywhere . Coming down the Conejo grade today I had a great view of the ocean . What crossed my mind was the tsunami in Japan . I could picture the damage and destruction that would have been caused if the tsunami came in at Oxnard and Ventura . I have concerns for family members that live in the area . Between wildfires and earthquakes , none of the relatives down here are prepared at all , although sister in San Diego does have a couple weeks of food on hand . I lived through many earthquakes including the Sylmar quake when I lived in Southern California , the Loma Prieta quake when in Northern California , the Northridge quake when I was bringing my kids to visit my sister at CSU Northridge , and the Calexico quake last year when we were visiting relatives in the San Diego area . Maybe they can use me to predict earthquakes ! During the Northridge quake and the Sylmar quake the freeways collapsed . This lead to having to divert traffic for many months . People got through it and after a few weeks the only ones who were still affected were those whose homes were damaged or destroyed . For everyone else , life went on as normal other than perhaps a bit of a traffic change . Wildfires have surrounded their towns . My brothers inlaws home burned down in one fire . They were fortunate because they had just put the house on the market and had lots and lots of photos that the realtor took . They were fully insured and got a great settlement . They had a vacation home that held some of their personal belongings so they lost most of their personal belongings but still had some . They bought a new home and were in the process of remodeling it . They were renting another home during that time . Another fire hit and almost burned down the home they were renting . Life goes on . They didn 't miss a meal . They were able to go out and instantly purchase everything they needed . Lots of incidents but no real hardships . I don 't think that I 'm going to be able to convince any of the family down here to prepare in any way other than to have a couple of weeks of food I don 't have the work truck with me but my personal truck . We have spare fuel in the back of the pickup . We have good hiking shoes . We have food for a couple weeks , including food for the dog , which we brought with us . We have three times the cash that I think I 'll need . We are good but at the same time I wish we were home with the sheep , goats , chickens , cats , and garden , and lots less people . Posted by The sheep went into the trailer without any trouble this morning . It took less than two minutes . I drove them to the front pasture , set up the gates so when they walked out of the trailer they 'd go the right direction , and out they went into the thigh high grass . They are so happy they don 't know where to eat first . Then it was time to start on some of the later spring chores . I hooked the hose up in the front of the house . Some day I will have a better set up with underground pipes but for now , it 's hoses . The hose from the front bib goes out to a four way split . One hose waters the roses and olive trees . One hose fills the stock tank in the front pasture . One hose waters the flowers and plants in the front yard . The last hose waters the trees in the front pasture . The three hoses that water are all drip irrigation hoses . I don 't use normal emitters on these hoses though . I just punch a small hole , using the emitter punch , and let the water drip out that way . It works well and I don 't have the expense , albeit small , of emitters . The stock tank always has goldfish in it to eat the mosquitoes . I noticed only one goldfish left . We had four or five in the tank and I remember two dying last year . We buried those fish with the grapevines . I will take a few of the fish out of the back pasture tank and put them up front . I 'm watering the strawberries and grapes by hand still . I 'll hook them up to the drip system sometime but right now I take the water out of the stock tank to water them . I figure it 's got some nutrients in it from the fish . Before it gets too hot I 'll set up the drip for them . Now it 's off to inside chores . Somehow granddaughter 's socks all disappeared so we are holding a sock hunt . She gets a 15 minute head start to find them . Then grandson gets to look . Granddaughter has to pay him a nickle for every one of her socks that he finds . She owes me a chore for every one I find . She certainly doesn 't like either of those consequences . Perhaps someday she won 't be a slob . I hope it 's before she moves out . I didn 't get the opportunity to write yesterday because I had a very long work day . The day was great . I had to give a lecture and it went over very well . Sometimes I have a room full of people who would rather just sleep through my talk . Yesterday they not only stayed awake but they asked questions too . Wow , a successful day . The drive was about three hours each way , and this was the longest drive I 've done since my arm surgery . By the end of the day my arm was pretty sore , but today it felt fine . I had a chat with the IRS today . I know it 's just about crunch day for them but the person I spoke with this afternoon was so rude I wanted to reach through the phone and choke her . The conversation went like this : , " I sent in my return on Feb . 17 . Your website said it was received on Feb . 22 and my return should be direct deposited on April 5 . " I couldn 't e - file because I adopted the grandkids . Can 't e - file when you have an adoption credit . So I was waiting patiently for the return . April 5th came and went . So did the 6th . On April 7th I looked at the IRS website and it said that there was a delay and I should call the IRS . I 've never heard of anything like that but I did as directed . The polite person I spoke with that day informed me that all adoption credits automatically get kicked into the errors department . She then told me that they had 30 - 45 days to review a return when it was in the errors department . She also said to call back next week . That was today . I continued my conversation , " Since the lady I spoke with last week said to call back in a week , I 'm doing so . Is there anything I can help with or can you give me the status of my return . " Her response was , " you haven 't sent in your return because I can 't find it . " What ? How could that be since I know that it was received on the 22nd of February . " I 'm sorry , there is a problem and you have to send your return in again . " " What do you mean I have to send it in again , did you lose it ? " " No , it 's not lost , you didn 't send it to us " " Yes I did , otherwise your website wouldn 't have said that it was received on Feb . 22 and was supposed to be direct deposited on Apr . 5 and then I was supposed to call and now I 'm supposed to call back . " " Sorry , I don 't see your return , and the deadline is Monday so make sure you get it in . " I called the IRS back this evening . This time the person was much nicer and much more helpful . She said that she found my return and if I don 't hear anything by eight weeks plus one day ( that 's next Wednesday ) then I should call back . She kept asking if they 'd contacted me . I said I hadn 't heard anything . She said it looks like there are major issues . Shouldn 't be . I asked if it 's because the kids changed their names after the adoption but their social security number is still the same . That would mess everything up , I 'm sure . No , she couldnt ' tell me anything other than to call back next week . And no , I don 't have to send in another tax return . She told me I should have e - filed . But I can 't e - file . They don 't allow it if you have an adoption credit . I know there is nothing wrong with my tax return . Everything is the same ( well the numbers do change a little each year ) as the past several years . It 's not a simple return because of the rentals and now the adoption but it 's very straight forward . And I didn 't cheat or lie so that should make the thing smoother . I 'll call back next week . In the mean time , I 'll keep wishing the tax return would show up . And this year I 've changed the deductions so I 'm not giving the feds free money to use . I 'd rather owe money at the end of the year then go through this hassle of trying to get my money back . To get my mind off the IRS I decided that today would be a good day to move the sheep from the back to the front . I do this by driving the pickup and trailer into the back pasture and park it at the end of the animal pens . I then rig up the gate and trailer so the animals will go from the pen through a narrow pathway to the trailer . Or at least that 's the plan . I got them into the outside pen , which is about 10 x 50 . I had the gate open at the end so they could go into a nice grassy area prior to loading into the trailer . I herded the sheep to the gate . The ram blocked the opening so none of the sheep could go into the grassy area . They all kept staring at me . The ram is a big chicken . If the sheep are running away from something he is always first to escape but if they are backed into a corner he will push the others in front of him so he 's in the rear . So much for him protecting his ewes . He 's only out to protect himself . Anyway , it ended up getting dark and I could only get 10 of the 12 into the grassy area . I gave up and went back into the house . I 'll get them in the trailer tomorrow . They 'll get lured in with some cob . Then I will drive the truck to the front of the property and unload them in the front pasture . While you may think it would be easy to just herd them from the front to the back , after all it 's only about 300 feet away , these sheep wouldn 't go . They are so afraid of going somewhere new that they would make an end around and run back into their old pasture . They have to move by trailer . The front pasture is about 3 / 4 of an acre . The grass is thigh high . I 've got the trees well fenced so they won 't be able to eat them this year . I don 't know which is worse , herding sheep or IRS agents . Can 't wait until both are done . I was talking to my Oklahoma friend today and was told that their entire family had somehow contracted a case of head lice . It seems to be going around their school and their sixth grade daughter brought it home for the family . Head lice can be found on the human scalp : on the head , eyebrows , and eyelashes . They feed on human blood several times a day . Head lice move my crawling . They don 't hop or fly . They are often spread by contacting someone 's hat , coat , comb , brush , or towel that is used by someone affected by the insect . Head lice have three forms : the egg ( or nit ) , the nymph , and the adult . The CDC website has a good photo of the actual size of these three forms . The egg is laid on the hair shaft near the scalp . The nits hatch in about 8 days . It takes about a week and a half for the nymph to reach maturity . They can do so only on a diet of human blood . The adult must also feed on blood . They only live about a month as adults but lay about six eggs each day . If the lice falls off the persons head ( or is on a brush , pillow , etc . ) it will only live for about two days unless there is another head that it comes in contact with . Imagine you just went to the doctor 's office , or the bank , or a restaurant . You sit down on their nice comfortable chair and sink yourself in . Your head rests against the nice cushioned chair . Finally you get to relax a bit while you wait . But what if the person before you had head lice ? Or a person from the prior day ? What if the kids at school hang their coats up on hooks and they all get piled on top of each other ? It 's no big deal . Perhaps it will be just one little louse . But what if that one was a female , just reaching adulthood ? She could lay six eggs a day for a month . They won 't even start hatching and you 'd have no idea you were infected with them until you had 75 or 80 on you . Even then , you may itch for a second or two but you 'll just sluff it off . In her month long life of laying eggs she will lay around 180 eggs . If all 180 hatch and half are female , then in a couple of weeks 90 more lice will start laying eggs . In one month , and before you really realize what 's happening you can have over 16 , 000 lice sucking the blood from your scalp ! If you don 't get them taken care of in another month you will have almost three million disgusting creatures on you . Now , I 've never heard of anyone having three million lice . You 'd probably die of anemia by then ! How do you make sure you get rid of them in your house ? You don 't need to fumigate the house . The lice aren 't going to live more than a couple days without sucking blood so if you just stay off the fabric sofa and chair , change and wash the sheets on your bed each day for a few days , wash all clothes that you 've been wearing for the last couple days and vacuum your house you should be good . Have the wash water greater than 130 degrees . The lice don 't just walk around , they usually cling to hair that fell off your head and they just had the misfortune to be clinging to that particular piece . Although lice and nits don 't like cold temperatures , you 'd have to have something in the freezer for a couple of days for it to kill them . TPermethrin . ( Nix ) This is a synthetic pyrethroid . This too doesn 't kill the eggs so a second treatment is necessary . This one is not approved for kids under two . Malathion lotion . ( Ovide ) Same malathion used to kill mosquitos and bugs in the yard . You need a doctor 's prescription for this one . It kills the live lice and some eggs so a second treatment will probably be necessary . Benzyl alcohol lotion . ( Ulesfia ) It only kills live lice so a second treatment is necessary . It 's approved for children over six months . This needs a prescription . Lindane shampoo . This needs a prescription but it 's not recommended since it can be toxic to the brain and other parts of the nervous system . Lice Shield Shampoo and Leave In Spray . Lice Shield is formulated with a blend of citronella , eucalyptus and rosemary essential oils . Found at Walmart , Walgreens , etc . Oil or Mayonnaise . Rub this into your hair . After it 's been on your hair for two hours wash it out . Iron . Use a flat iron daily . Spend hours combing the nits out of each strand of hair . Use little metal lice combs . Get several ! Figure out how you are going to control this creature and prepare . My friend had to drive 45 miles from home to find a store that carried Rid or Nix because of the local outbreak . You 've heard of Latitude and Longitude . You may have even heard of Universal Transverse Mercator UTM ) but do you know what that means or how do you use it ? It 's actually a much easier system to use than lat / long because it doesn 't deal with curvature . The following is originally from a Powerpoint presentation that I converted to fit the blog . After looking through it , and perhaps following along on your own USGS 7 . 5 min . quad map , you will see how simple a locational system it really is . Posted by I 'm really surprised by the news that people aren 't cutting back on their driving even with gas prices around here above $ 4 . 00 a gallon . They say it 's because of the good economy . I say they are wrong . It 's because most people received a tax refund and are flush with money at the moment . When the money runs out they will slow down on the driving . My son and his family worked very little last year . They earned under $ 10 , 000 but with their welfare , food stamps , discounted rent , free medical , their actual income was over $ 30 , 000 . Not a lot but they still have a computer and a 52 inch tv . They had about $ 200 taken out of their paycheck for federal taxes but got a return of about $ 7000 ! More free money from the government . They went on a spending spree . They bought a used car , furniture , clothes , toys ( including a $ 300 electric riding toy for the kids ) , and a bunch more stuff . They go out to eat and have lots of money to spend on gas . I figure that their extra money will run out in another few weeks . I didn 't even try to convince them to save any of the money . That would have been a waste of my breath . I did try to convince them to spend it on things that mattered . Things that will last . The $ 30 dollar dressers they got for their kids are already broken . The gas prices will slow them down soon . Army daughter and son - in - law want to buy a house . They don 't have to save up much since they are both veterans and will qualify for VA loans which take little or no down . They are trying to figure out how to save money . They sat down and figured out what they spend money on . They 've never had a written plan since they 've always had a little extra at the end of each month to put into the savings . When they told me how much they take home I made a comment that I take home about the same amount . Then I said I take home more because I have some automatically put into an account to pay the taxes and insurance and more gets put into a 401k , but the actual amount that flows through my hands each month is the same as what they have . The difference is that I pay more than twice the amount each month for the mortgage than they plan on paying for the mortgage , taxes , and insurance on their new place . Well then , they should be able to put away a lot of money in the next couple of months since they are living with me rent free . Army daughter was trying to figure out how to spend less on food . She 's been buying most of the food for the entire household , not paper products , cleaning supplies , and other things , just food . She volunteers to do this because they live rent free . She said that her food budget is about two hundred dollars per week . Huh ? I spend that per month . I don 't understand how she can spend that much . That 's almost thirty dollars a day . Then I got to thinking . They buy a chunk of meat that costs between $ 10 and $ 15 ( what doesn 't get eaten goes to the chickens ) , Starbucks drinks at $ 2 each , and little packages of stuff that cost 10 times as much than if you 'd buy it in bulk . I buy a gallon of mustard for $ 4 and she buys a little bottle of designer mustard for $ 6 . Our chickens are eating well because they throw away a lot of stuff . I suggested $ 25 a month for clothes for the baby . She budgeted $ 50 . Why I asked ? Baby clothes are expensive . Not really . The baby is in 6 month size which will last for three months . I could go to Target and buy a weeks worth of clothes for $ 50 . At $ 25 a month it would take two months worth of money for stuff that would last three months . I know that I can get used , borrowed , or cheaper stuff , but they wouldn 't do that at all . I just think differently . If I budgeted $ 75 for three months and spent $ 50 then I 'd be able to buy more supplies , fruit trees , six chickens , etc . Spend it on something tangible for the future . Army daughter 's budget included three round trips to town each day . Although only her husband works she has to go in to town for appointments , shopping , college one night a week , etc . I was trying to convince her to drive less . After all , it takes about two gallons of fuel for each round trip . At four bucks a gallon they are averaging $ 24 dollar a day in gas , seven days a week ! If I have to fill up my truck more than once a month it better be because we are going out of town because this gives me three trips into town on a tank of gas . I have to drive to town to go to workWhat if It is today , I asked her ? Would she go into psychological withdrawals if she couldn 't go into town and shop ? Can she differentiate wants from needs ? I challenged Army daughter this evening . No going into a store more than twice a week . I 'm not even telling her that she has to have a list to shop from . Just stay out of the stores . Don 't make the trip in to town . Right now they are spending over $ 700 a month on gas . Cut back on driving . For her , that means money saved for a house . For me , that means more money for preps . Posted by I found a good deal on a portable solar charger . It 's the Power Pocket 12W Solar Charger . RealGoods has it on sale for $ 179 . http : / / www . realgoods . com / product / 41 - 0217 . do ? ihtc = e _ dotw _ pp _ 408 This website doesn 't tell you a lot about it but I googled the product and found it on a couple of other websites . It says it will charge most small items in a couple of hours . You can also use it to trickle charge a 12V battery . They list it at $ 299 but I saw it on other websites for $ 259 . $ 179 is a good price and RealGoods is a good company . Posted by Yesterday afternoon 9 year old granddaughter helped with some of the outdoor chores . She pounded two t - posts in with a post pounder . She planted two grapevines and 36 strawberry plants . When she planted the strawberries she stepped on one of the grape plants and broke the vine off down to the ground . I expect that it will still grow . I also took the part that she broke off and stuck the end in water and then in a rooting agent . I planted it in a 4 inch pot so maybe we 'll get another grapevine out of it . I know that you can take a grapevine and push a stem down to the ground , secure it , cover it with some soil , and in a year it should have rooted from that spot . You can then cut it off and plant your new grapevine . At some point I 'll do this to expand our " vineyard " of six grapevines . We have two Thompson seedless , which are the regular green grapes and are also used for raisins , two Red Flames , and now two Concords ( plus hopefully the additional one will root ) . I want to plant about 8 more in this one area and am hoping to get some good end of bareroot season deals . Perhaps I 'll end up planting more grapes somewhere else on the property if I can get a hold of a lot of plants . I never bothered growing grapes before because there was a huge vineyard right behind us with about 50 acres planted in grapes . The landowner had said we could pick what we wanted so for over 10 years we did . We harvested enough to make juice , raisins , and to eat fresh . Unfortunately , last year they killed off the entire vineyard . Our next door neighbor has over 100 vines . He said we could pick some last year , which did provide us with some grapes but their grapes were so small that it was a hassle to even eat them . We need our own . I checked on the lambs and they are all doing fine today . They seem to have forgotten the banding from yesterday . We have two duck nests in the barn this year . One nest is in the same spot as last years nest . The other is behind the hay bales . I think the same duck laid both nests . Just today I saw her sitting onWhat if it 's today ? - A survivalist 's blog With over 19 years working on our preps and after having a created a fully prepared 5 acres in the Great Central Valley of California , we up and moved to a very small town in Colorado . We are now on 35 acres with no fruit trees , no garden , a home that isn 't finished , and no job . Sounds like paradise , or at least it will be . Lots of work to do . How much time do I have before there 's no time left ? We still have food storage and lots of provisions , but are not in any way self sufficient . . . yet . Follow us on our new adventure . Perhaps you 'll learn something from us and from your comments we can learn something from you . |
I have a fascination with basements because the first time I ever saw one or was in one was about 15 years ago . In this part of the state only the real old houses have basements . One of the reasons they did was so people had a cool place to go during the hot time of the year . It also served as a storage area for the larder . My house sits on a concrete slab . I just dream of having a basement . A few years ago I changed the flooring in my house . I pulled out all the carpet . I do have a few rooms with hardwood floors and those will stay because they cost too much and I really like them . The rest of the flooring got replaced with either stamped colored cement or with tile . When I first moved into this house I pulled the carpet out of the hallway . I didn 't really have the money to replace it with anything and I also didn 't know what I wanted to do with the floor . I went to the store and spent about fifty dollars on a bunch of cans of Make it Rock which is a spray paint that comes out in blotches . You spray it on and it looks like granite . You are supposed to spray it on flower pots and stuff . I sprayed it on the floor . I did this for the hall and kids bathroom . It comes with the spray and also an overcoat . I kept it that way for seven or eight years . It actually looked pretty good . I do like the feel of carpet under my feet . Just vacuumed carpet looks good too . I remember my first house with long shag carpet . We had a carpet rake to make the shag all go in the same direction ! There are a couple reasons that the carpets were pulled . First is with kids it gets dirty quickly . Second , if you , or the people who lived in the house before you had pets , at least one pet will have used the carpet as a cat box or lawn . Even if it 's cleaned and sanitized , it doesn 't come out of the pad . When you pull out a carpet and pad you will be shocked at the pad . Third , carpet catches fire . The fire aspect is the main reason I don 't want carpet in my house . You can throw a small rug on the floor in certain spots if you want to have some comPosted by How do you fix something when you 've never fixed it before and you don 't know how ? Sometimes I wonder how Army daughter could be as high ranking as she is . I suppose all her common sense goes to that and then there 's little room left for anything else . Her car is at the shop getting repaired . It 's been there for a couple of weeks because the local Ford dealer can 't quite figure out what the problem is . I spoke to the mechanic at work and he said it may just be one of those problems where you have to try one fix and if it doesn 't work try another and another until your process of elimination is over . Anyway , she wanted to take the grandkids out to the school , which although is the most local " park " it 's still over five miles away . OK , she could borrow my truck . Just be careful . She 's usually a good driver and none of the girls want to be put into the same category as their brother who totaled my car a few years back . When she came back she said there was a little problem because she hit the garage door . Actually it was the trim around the door that she hit with the mirror as she was pulling in the garage . She ripped it completely away from the wall . She kept proclaiming that she was really sorry and that we better call her insurance company to pay for the repair . What ? ? ? ? Fix it yourself , I told her . How ? First look at see the nondamaged side to see what it 's supposed to look like . The rubber trim was pulled out of the wood . The trim is held on by nails . Go into the garage and get the same size nails . Then pull out the old nails and put new ones in . Don 't nail them all the way in with the hammer or you will mark the wood . You can use another nail to push them in , or get a punch out of the toolbox . Just remember to look at what 's there , how it was put together , then recreate it . It 's not really hard to do most home repairs . The other day she tried making coffee . My coffee maker isn 't that hard to use . We 've gone over it several times and to make it really easy , I have two of everything so as she removes something she can replace it with the identical part . There are five parts to making coffee . Part 1 . Add the beans . You open the top and take out the grinder . Notice how the lid attaches . Take the clean grinder . Put beans in up to the line . Put the grinder lid on . Put it back into the spot the grinder goes in - the same spot you took out the dirty grinder . Part 2 . Put in the filter . Take out the old filter with the used wet coffee grounds in it . Notice the three pieces to the filter system : the top and bottom of the filter container and the mesh filter . Put the mesh filter into the filter container . Put it back in the same spot you took the other filter out of . Look at what you just removed . Set up the clean one the same way . Part 3 . Take out the coffee pot and lid and put in a clean coffee pot and lid . Do not forget to put on the lid to the coffee pot . You did notice that the dirty one had a lid on , didn 't you ? Of course not . Part 4 . Pour the water in up to the 12 cup line . Part 5 . Press start . Since you didn 't put the lid on the coffee pot the filter isn 't going to be able to drain the coffee out the bottom . Did you not notice that the lid has a little hump in it to push on the plug of the filter ? No ? This means the coffee is going to come out the top of the filter and spill out oI guess I 've gotten used to fixing things myself . It saves money and often time , and it makes me more self sufficient . I suppose that 's why Army daughter and her husband would rather be in an apartment in the city than " banished " to the countryside as they are now . Posted by The local news reported that police are looking for robbers who tied up and beat up a woman in her own home during a home invasion robbery . The man and woman stole the woman 's car , bank card , jewelry , and electronics . The woman was able to get free and go to a neighbor 's home for help . The story continued with a report that neighbors said they 've seen a suspicious couple in the area over the past few weeks . I have some questions about this story . What time in the morning ? Was the woman up and about or in bed sleeping ? Was the woman home alone ? Was this a surprise attack ? Did she have the tv or radio blasting so she wouldn 't have been aware of any noise in her house ? Did the couple knock on the door , kick down the door , walk in through an open and unlocked door , break a window , or exactly how did they get in ? How long were they there ? How did she escape ? I used to assume my home was a safe place . I kept the doors and windows open all night for ¾ of the year . I lost my house key and didn 't replace it for several years . During that time my house was never locked . I do live in a safe place , but really , no place is safe if it happens to be the place the bad guys pick . If I heard a strange noise I 'd go outside to investigate . I would bring a cell phone with me that was dialed to 911 ( all I 'd have to do is press Send ) just in case I 'd come across someone who wasn 't supposed to be on my property . I still assume my home is a safe place . I don 't keep the doors locked all the time . If the grandkids are home that would be a pain . If I 'm holed up in the house working on the computer or something , the doors are closed , but not always locked . On the other hand , at night I no longer keep the doors wide open . They are closed and locked . I also have an alarm system at the house . It has a door chime function and I have it set to chime every time a door or window opens . I 've also told the grandkids that they are supposed to call out that they are home when they come in from school or from being away for any What if it 's today ? - A survivalist 's blog I had to head up north today for work . It was one of those three hour drives but today I seemed to get behind every slow driver . I 'm not talking about someone who was driving the speed limit in the fast lane of the freeway , I mean people who were driving 35 in a 55 on the country roads . It was good that I didn 't have to actually give my presentation until after lunch . I really wasn 't in a hurry . I did my normal of leaving town with a full tank of gas and a couple filled gas cans . I can make the round trip on one tank of gas . I don 't . Two hours into the trip I stopped and got fuel . I completed the trip there and on the way home I filled up again . I told all at home that I wouldn 't be home until about 20 : 00 so this gave me extra time to explore some side roads on the way home . I spent about 10 miles on roads that I 've never been on . I was surprised to come upon a town that I 'd never been through either . I thought I 'd been everywhere . When I got up to my destination I went to the back of the truck ( always backing in to the parking space for a quick escape ) which was a couple of feet from the side of a building . I opened up the camper shell and tailgate and got my stuff out . Then as I walked back to the front of my truck I completely forgot about the railroad tie that was used to delineate the edge of the rock parking area and the beginning of the walkway . I fell over . Fortunately there were no witnesses ! At least , if anyone witnessed it they pretended that they didn 't . I tore the knee of my pants and skinned my knee . At least I was smart enough to drop the things in my hands and catch my fall . I didn 't have the large poster board in my hands when I tripped . I would have been really upset if I messed that up since it was the main visual prop for my presentation to the legislature folks that showed up . It wasn 't until I got home and took my boots off did I realize that I twisted my ankle and it was now twice the size of my other ankle ! Oh well . I took some ibuprofen and sent an email to my supervisor . The weather is sI like to read the billboards along the way on the freeway . Some are funny . Some are stupid and I can 't believe that companies actually spend money on them . I did see one that really caught my eye . Prepare for Disaster ! Have a bag packed , Have a plan , and a third thing but I drove by and missed it . I think it was a FEMA billboard , or maybe CalEMA . It got me to thinking about how that billboard is probably going to be ignored by the thousands of people who drive by each day . Prepare for Disaster ! People around here don 't know what disaster means . We don 't have the devastating tornadoes that are happening in the east . We don 't have hurricanes or earthquakes . We don 't flood . Fires are in the foothills and mountains . What disaster was this billboard aiming for with the people driving down Highway 99 in the Great Central Valley ? A house fire ? A drive - by shooting ? Perhaps the disaster is a traveling disaster like a car accident . The billboard certainly wasn 't going to say Prepare for terrorist attack ! Prepare for economic collapse ! Prepare for inflation ! Prepare for roving gangs ! Still , it 's good to get the word out . I think when I go to work on Friday I 'll bring up the billboard and see if I can get a conversation started . Maybe that 's what it 's there for - to start conversations . On a side note , Army daughter this morning said she heard gold is going up to record levels . " That 's good , right ? " , she said . " That means the economy is doing better and things are doing better . " No , I told her . It 's just the opposite . Gold goes up when confidence is low and things aren 't doing well . Perhaps I should start my billboard conversations with her . At work I saw a pile of pallets and wondered if I could take them home . I went to ask the warehouse manager but he was off . I then asked his boss . She said she didn 't know if we got a refund if they were returned or if they just would get hauled off . She told me to ask another of the warehouse type people . The other person that she was referring to was off as well . I then spoke to one of the mechanics and he said that it was ok to take them as long as I didn 't sell them . Not a problem . I loaded eight of the best pallets into the back of the truck . We will use the wood at home as there are always projects that need wood . Then he told me that at another work location there was a huge stack of wood that was pallets or something but that the wood had already been pulled apart and was now a pile of stacked boards . Those were available too . I went to that location today and was told that not only was there this stack of pallets and boards but that under the pole barn was more wood that I could take , as long as I didn 't sell it . At the pole barn were about 10 stacks of pallets and a torn down fence . The fence was 1x6 and 1x8 dog eared boards attached to 2x4s and a 4x4 post . Each panel was about five feet wide . I hit the jackpot . Since this truck was the one with the camper shell I couldn 't get all of the wood that I wanted but I got six or seven fence panels plus about 20 pieces that were already pulled from the panels . With a full load I happily drove home . I can go back as often as I want for more . Since I have to head back that way at the end of the week I 'll fill the truck up again . Posted by The power went off last night . I don 't know why . We paid the bill . Actually it went off then on then off then on then off all within about 30 seconds . With the third off I got up from reading and went into the kitchen to get a candle . I did have a flashlight within a six inch reach of where I was sitting but didn 't need it . Although it was dark out I can walk through my house with my eyes closed and go to the correct cabinet to get matches and also to the correct drawer to pull out a candle . The room I was in had candle and matches too but I chose the kitchen because it was closer to where the majority of the people were . I called out to Army daughter and son - in - law that I was going to light a candle . As I lit the match the lights went back on again . I put the candle into the holder and put it onto the dining room table . I called out that I 'm leaving the candle lit and on the table . Granddaughter climbed out of bed and came out of her room to tell me her fish tank pump was broken because it kept going on and off . She said she thought it was overflowing . I think she is going to be dreaming about overflowing toilets after the afternoons bathroom flood . I told her that it was just the power going on and off . She asked why ? I said that I had no idea why the power was going off but it didn 't matter . We didn 't really need the power anyway . That 's not really quite true . While we didn 't need the power last night because it was bedtime anyway , what if we lost power for a day or a week or a month ? A day . . . not a problem . Keep the freezer and refrigerator doors closed . Use a match to light the propane stove since the electronic ignition wouldn 't work . Drink water from the reserves . Toilets ? We only have one flush per toilet without power because the well won 't pump to refill the tank . We do have the outhouse I built in the garden . We also have the trailer toilet which uses much less water because it goes directly into the tank so water isn 't needed to push it through the pipes . What about a week ? If I couldn 't get some dry iPosted by I was reading in my library when I heard grandson call out , come in the bathroom . It is his week to clean the bathroom and he was working through his list ( shower , toilet , trash , mirror , counter and sink , floor ) . I figured it was one of his endless requests for me to come and check one item on the list . I didn 't respond right away then his voice sounded a little worried as he called for me to come . As I was walking down the hall he spotted me and said it 's overflowing . The water was flowing over the rim of the toilet and was starting to flow into the hall . Army daughter came running when she heard him say it was overflowing . She and I had two completely different first reactions . Hers was to run to the end of the hall and get towels . Mine was to walk into the bathroom and turn off the water valve on the wall behind the toilet . I took the towels from her and used them to stop the flow out of the bathroom . She went to get more towels . I stopped her and said it 's good for the moment . She could even go back to the game the kids and grandkids were playing . I went out to the garage and got the shop vac . I brought it in and sucked up over two gallons of water , in addition to the water that the towels soaked up . I did ask where the rag was that Grandson was using to clean the bathroom . He said that nothing extra went down the toilet when he flushed it . I used the plunger to unplug the toilet and it opened up right away and didn 't pull anything up . The plumbing has worked just fine since . After we had a family meeting . What if I wasn 't home ? What steps should they have taken ? I taught the grandkids how to turn the valve to shut off the water at the toilet . I don 't think they 'd be able to unlatch the shopvac from the wall so I told them that using towels to clean it up was fine . It got me to thinking about toilets in general . Of course we all talk about stocking up on toilet paper . Jokes are made about the old Sears catalogues but that wouldn 't work with a septic system , only an outhouse . Do we have enough toilet parts to What if it 's today ? - A survivalist 's blog With brother - in - law over this weekend we spent the day working on the front gate . The wrought iron fence and gate were installed last fall but we had problems with the automatic gate opener . We spent the day using the welder ( which he brought up from San Diego - it cost $ 1000 , I asked ) and got it put together . It uses a solar powered opener which charges a battery . A fully charged battery should last a month during the winter fog season when we may go for a week or two without seeing the sun . From the street to the house it 's about 250 feet . The wrought iron gate is about 25 feet off the road . It 's deep enough for a vehicle to pull off the road safely while the gate is opening . My concern was if that gate was compromised . The gate is supposed to have about 100 codes which really isn 't many . The good thing is that it 's a very high end gate opener ( even though we aren 't high end ) and not too many people around here used this brand . If someone was going around trying to open gates , they would be assuming that most people had the one or two most common brands . We also have a second gate on the driveway . This gate is about 200 feet from the road . Someone can get through the first gate but still not be able to drive straight up to the house because of the second gate . It 's just a farm gate and people can just jump right over it but it will stop the vehicle . The main reason I wanted this was if someone wanted to break into the house , their vehicle would be visible from the road . If this second gate wasn 't there it 's really easy to drive around the house and park . It would make that intruder virtually invisible from the road . Brother - in - law needed to make a run to Home Depot because the mounting hardware wasn 't right . During this time I went out to the garden and dug up one of the asparagus plants . I planted these about 10 years ago and they 've really gotten large . The one original plant was able to be divided into about 30 - 40 new plants . I gave six to the next door neighbor and six to my sister to bring back to San DiegWhat if it 's today ? - A survivalist 's blog Part of being a survivalist or a prepper is to be prepared for not only minor events but also major events . When something goes wrong there are many people who want to help the victims in national or international tragedies and also more localized events such as fires , accidents or deaths . When people help others they are also helping themselves deal with these situations . What are some of the things you can do ? Structure is important , not confusion and chaos . Slow down your life . You don 't need every minute to be planned in advance with classes or sports . Maintain normal routines . If you don 't have routines start to do so . Meal time , sleeping time , and family time should be maintained as well as possible . Structure enhances your strength and stamina , especially in the face of danger . This provides security . You may need to follow common sense rules and adjust to threats to further your security . Children need to know that their families will be there for them . Assure those around you . They need to know that everything is being done to further stop , fix , or prevent the event . They need to know that an effort is being made to bring forth justice . They need to know they are loved and are important to you . Take action . Do something . Be calm . Read a book to a child . Help out your elderly neighbor . Write a letter to a soldier or first responder . Encourage each other . Listen . Offer guidance and support . Spend time with people you like . People need current , accurate and practical information . It will reduce stress and anxiety . It can assist and guide you . This doesn 't mean you should be glued to the tv or radio listening and watching evil events on the news . The news shows repeat the same stories each hour . Do you need to hear it two or three times ? Be positive . Make good decisions . Tell the truth even when it is not good news . Provide as much detail as in necessary or able to be understood . Keep secrets where secrecy is needed , but speak the truth . Counter rumors with facts . It is normal to have negative feelingsWhat if it 's today ? - A survivalist 's blog The morning started off well . I was able to work for a few hours before I had to deal with grandkids or relatives . I had to return a call to one of the state senator 's offices and didn 't have a baby screaming in the background . The call went well . They got an answer to their question that was what they were hoping to get . The grandkids awoke , including one extra that didn 't go home with his parents last night . That was the 15 year old who was sort of in trouble at home and sort of just staying over here to get a break . In order for him to stay the night he had to promise to do chores . That 's a pretty good deal : feed a fifteen year old boy in exchange for chores . I treated him the same as the other grandkids . You are hungry . Go pick something off a tree . I had five fruit trees that I bought about a month ago and they needed planting soon . I just wasn 't able to plant them because I couldn 't dig the holes with my arm the way it 's been . What a perfect task for the 15 year old and the 8 year old . How to plant trees . Dig the hole the right size , about three times wider than the container the tree is in and about 1 1 / 2 to 2 times deeper . Take the soil that you just dug and put it into the big bucket . Add some compost and mix it well . Put water into the hole . Figure out how much soil needs to go back into the hole to get the tree at the right level . Hold the tree straight ! Put soil in . Add water . Tap it down with your foot . Repeat the process . Hold the tree straight ! Perfect . They repeated the process on all five trees . I think the 15 year old can go home and plant some fruit trees for his mom . It 's a wonderful skill . San Diego nephew is five years old . He loves coming to our farm and visiting his cousins . He got to climb trees . He fed the chickens . He was swinging on his belly on the swing set and slipped off falling flat on his face . I was about 25 feet away trying to root some grapevines and was supervising . Had to drop what I was doing and go over when he started crying . I picked him up and saw that he had a bloody lWhat if it 's today ? - A survivalist 's blog Once again our house is crazy with a bunch of relatives descending on us for their vacation . Some actually arrived before we got home yesterday . Before I left for Southern California I wrote out a list of stuff for Army daughter to do . One of the things on the list was to take the turkey out of the freezer on Monday , put it into the ice chest and partially put on the lid . I figured by this morning it would be ready for me to put into the salt brine for a few hours and then stick it into the oven around noon . It was to be the main course at dinner tonight for the 20 plus people who were going to be sitting at our table . I went out to the garage this morning to bring in the turkey . No turkey in the ice chest . Oops , Army daughter forgot . I think it was a conspiracy because everyone was asking if I would cook a brisket instead . Sure , I have to go to the vet this morning so cat can get his stitches out . I 'll go to the meat market on the way home . I also had to make some photo copies because I didn 't get that done the other day and nobody volunteered to do it when they were in town . I was not happy . In fact , I was starting to get into a bad mood having to even leave the property when I was expecting to hang out at home with the company . I went to the vet . All was good with the cat . ( I think I forgot to write that renters of the bug - out property brought their dog over and he stepped on one of our cats and broke the cat 's pelvis . ) I walked out of the vet and looked at my truck tire . It sort of looked low , but perhaps I was mistaken and it was just the way I had the wheels turned when I parked it . Then I went to the photo copy store . I was making two sided copies and the machine kept jamming . I was really getting ticked off but tried to be pleasant . When I was done I went out to the truck and noticed the tire was really low - almost too low to drive on it without wrecking it . Change of plans , off to the tire shop . ( Note to self : Buy one of those small compressors for the truck that will pump your tire . ) I got there and thWhen I left I realized that there was a reason that I had the flat tire . I needed to slow down and get out of the bad mood . While most people would have been in an even worse mood after the tire incident , it put me into a great mood . God was telling me to get over myself . It really wasn 't a big deal that the turkey didn 't get defrosted or that I needed to run some errands . I headed off to the meat market , visited with the owner for a while , then went home . I got home and played with the grandkids for a while , then started preparing dinner . We had a great meal . This would be a really stupid thing to write about today except it was really just a normal day with normal stresses . Sometimes we get so worked up about things that aren 't such a big deal that it ruins our day , our health , and our happiness . Imagine if TSHTF and all the people at my house today were going to stay for a month or two or three rather than just a week ? How would we deal with the personality differences that are easy enough to over look for just a week ? We would need to have a solid hierarchy that was acceptable to all - with me in charge of the group of course . . . Why would I be in charge ? It 's not just because it 's my house or I 'm the oldest of the clan . Rather it 's because I 'm logical , I handle stress well , and I know how to spread around the tasks that need to be done by relying on people 's strengths . Every once in a while I just need a flat tire to remind me of that . Posted by We are back from our trip to Southern California . It was a fun trip . We got to visit friends and relatives , which I always find enjoyable . Girl is in fourth grade and in California this means studying missions . Things have changed since I was in 4th grade . Sure it was a million years ago according to the grandkids , but so much of history has changed in order . Now the Spaniards were evil mongers where when I was a child they were kind religious people trying to modernize the Indians . Of course I don 't believe that they were all kind , in most cases they were very harsh to the Indians . But grandson got it right . The main reason for the missions was to make more Catholics . I brought the kids to the mission in Ventura last Sunday . We walked through the mission courtyard into the side door of the church during the middle of services . Sshhhh I told the grandkids . They are praying and we need to be respectful . Boy grabbed a palm leaf and started twisting it into shapes just like the other little boys were doing . Then the priest started speaking . What language is it ? Latin . In Catholic services they speak Latin . Oh , said the boy . " Those people are Catholics ! Just like when the missions were here . " We are still in the mission 's church , so yes they are Catholics . Boy was very impressed that next year he is going to learn about missions and he already knows that Catholics still use the mission . I realized that the kids know Christians and Jews and Presbyterians ( two of our friends are Presbyterian pastors ) but they don 't really understand that each religion is split into different groups who have basically the same beliefs but different ways of interpreting how to carry out those beliefs . Starting with missions is a good start . We had dinner with my brothers and sisters last night . Actually one brother called from England during dinner so it counted that he was there . Topics included shopping and the prices of everything . I said that while I was glad I didn 't have to work in Southern California on Tuesday , the downside was that I had to drive my own truck rather than the work truck . The trip cost me $ 150 in gas that I wasn 't planning on spending . We somehow got on the topic of self defense . When most were out of the room I pulled out my CCW permit and handed it to my brother - in - law . He was surprised and asked how I got it and if I was armed and how he could get one . I told him that the sheriff in my county encourages people to apply for the permit . I don 't know how it is in his county but because he is a business owner who often has to deal with a lot of cash , he probably could get one . He said that they do have a gun in the house up in their bedroom . The house also has an elaborate alarm system and they live in a gated neighborhood . Their home does back up to open space , so it would be easy for someone to hike in to their property . We got home this afternoon and San Diego sister and nephew caravaned to our house . San Diego brother - in - law is flying in for the weekend . We were talking to each other over the phone during the drive . She was asking about solar power , the different types , and if solar would be a good idea for them . They are slowly coming around . Once we got home the kids took off playing and I went around to all the animals and plants to make sure it all survived the four days we were gone . After all , Army daughter promised to take care of everything while we were away and I wrote out a detailed list of what to do . First I headed out to the baby chickens . Son - in - law said that daughter had just watered the chicks before she left for school an hour earlier . I 'm not quite sure what she did because there are three water containers in their coop . Two are quart jars that are attached to plastic waterers . The third container is a oThen I went out to the front to check on the sheep . All were well . Finally I checked on the cats . They had food and water . Then I was off to the garden . None of the asparagus got cut so most of the plants have ferned out . There were some stalks coming up but the season is about over because they didn 't cut any asparagus . They didn 't cut any artichokes but they are still ok . They 'll get cut tomorrow . The newly planted grapes and strawberries didn 't get watered . It 's a good thing that I watered them well before we left . None of the peppers or tomatoes were watered . I know it 's a lot to expect someone to take care of your plants and animals when you leave but in this case , Army daughter volunteered so I didn 't have oldest daughter come over to take care of things . I had everything written down . I 'm not sure where the disconnect was . Fortunately nothing died so I suppose all is well . It 's good to be home and I 'm sure I 'll be spending extra time in the garden tomorrow to make it up to my plants and animals . I used to love coming down to Southern California but lately each time I come down I have a really critical eye . I look at the amount of people , the roads , the built environment - buildings and structures . It 's just so crowded . There is still a lot of farmland in this area but if TSHTF there 's not enough space for everyone . Few new homes are being built , instead multi - family housing is going in everywhere . Coming down the Conejo grade today I had a great view of the ocean . What crossed my mind was the tsunami in Japan . I could picture the damage and destruction that would have been caused if the tsunami came in at Oxnard and Ventura . I have concerns for family members that live in the area . Between wildfires and earthquakes , none of the relatives down here are prepared at all , although sister in San Diego does have a couple weeks of food on hand . I lived through many earthquakes including the Sylmar quake when I lived in Southern California , the Loma Prieta quake when in Northern California , the Northridge quake when I was bringing my kids to visit my sister at CSU Northridge , and the Calexico quake last year when we were visiting relatives in the San Diego area . Maybe they can use me to predict earthquakes ! During the Northridge quake and the Sylmar quake the freeways collapsed . This lead to having to divert traffic for many months . People got through it and after a few weeks the only ones who were still affected were those whose homes were damaged or destroyed . For everyone else , life went on as normal other than perhaps a bit of a traffic change . Wildfires have surrounded their towns . My brothers inlaws home burned down in one fire . They were fortunate because they had just put the house on the market and had lots and lots of photos that the realtor took . They were fully insured and got a great settlement . They had a vacation home that held some of their personal belongings so they lost most of their personal belongings but still had some . They bought a new home and were in the process of remodeling it . They were renting another home during that time . Another fire hit and almost burned down the home they were renting . Life goes on . They didn 't miss a meal . They were able to go out and instantly purchase everything they needed . Lots of incidents but no real hardships . I don 't think that I 'm going to be able to convince any of the family down here to prepare in any way other than to have a couple of weeks of food I don 't have the work truck with me but my personal truck . We have spare fuel in the back of the pickup . We have good hiking shoes . We have food for a couple weeks , including food for the dog , which we brought with us . We have three times the cash that I think I 'll need . We are good but at the same time I wish we were home with the sheep , goats , chickens , cats , and garden , and lots less people . Posted by The sheep went into the trailer without any trouble this morning . It took less than two minutes . I drove them to the front pasture , set up the gates so when they walked out of the trailer they 'd go the right direction , and out they went into the thigh high grass . They are so happy they don 't know where to eat first . Then it was time to start on some of the later spring chores . I hooked the hose up in the front of the house . Some day I will have a better set up with underground pipes but for now , it 's hoses . The hose from the front bib goes out to a four way split . One hose waters the roses and olive trees . One hose fills the stock tank in the front pasture . One hose waters the flowers and plants in the front yard . The last hose waters the trees in the front pasture . The three hoses that water are all drip irrigation hoses . I don 't use normal emitters on these hoses though . I just punch a small hole , using the emitter punch , and let the water drip out that way . It works well and I don 't have the expense , albeit small , of emitters . The stock tank always has goldfish in it to eat the mosquitoes . I noticed only one goldfish left . We had four or five in the tank and I remember two dying last year . We buried those fish with the grapevines . I will take a few of the fish out of the back pasture tank and put them up front . I 'm watering the strawberries and grapes by hand still . I 'll hook them up to the drip system sometime but right now I take the water out of the stock tank to water them . I figure it 's got some nutrients in it from the fish . Before it gets too hot I 'll set up the drip for them . Now it 's off to inside chores . Somehow granddaughter 's socks all disappeared so we are holding a sock hunt . She gets a 15 minute head start to find them . Then grandson gets to look . Granddaughter has to pay him a nickle for every one of her socks that he finds . She owes me a chore for every one I find . She certainly doesn 't like either of those consequences . Perhaps someday she won 't be a slob . I hope it 's before she moves out . I didn 't get the opportunity to write yesterday because I had a very long work day . The day was great . I had to give a lecture and it went over very well . Sometimes I have a room full of people who would rather just sleep through my talk . Yesterday they not only stayed awake but they asked questions too . Wow , a successful day . The drive was about three hours each way , and this was the longest drive I 've done since my arm surgery . By the end of the day my arm was pretty sore , but today it felt fine . I had a chat with the IRS today . I know it 's just about crunch day for them but the person I spoke with this afternoon was so rude I wanted to reach through the phone and choke her . The conversation went like this : , " I sent in my return on Feb . 17 . Your website said it was received on Feb . 22 and my return should be direct deposited on April 5 . " I couldn 't e - file because I adopted the grandkids . Can 't e - file when you have an adoption credit . So I was waiting patiently for the return . April 5th came and went . So did the 6th . On April 7th I looked at the IRS website and it said that there was a delay and I should call the IRS . I 've never heard of anything like that but I did as directed . The polite person I spoke with that day informed me that all adoption credits automatically get kicked into the errors department . She then told me that they had 30 - 45 days to review a return when it was in the errors department . She also said to call back next week . That was today . I continued my conversation , " Since the lady I spoke with last week said to call back in a week , I 'm doing so . Is there anything I can help with or can you give me the status of my return . " Her response was , " you haven 't sent in your return because I can 't find it . " What ? How could that be since I know that it was received on the 22nd of February . " I 'm sorry , there is a problem and you have to send your return in again . " " What do you mean I have to send it in again , did you lose it ? " " No , it 's not lost , you didn 't send it to us " " Yes I did , otherwise your website wouldn 't have said that it was received on Feb . 22 and was supposed to be direct deposited on Apr . 5 and then I was supposed to call and now I 'm supposed to call back . " " Sorry , I don 't see your return , and the deadline is Monday so make sure you get it in . " I called the IRS back this evening . This time the person was much nicer and much more helpful . She said that she found my return and if I don 't hear anything by eight weeks plus one day ( that 's next Wednesday ) then I should call back . She kept asking if they 'd contacted me . I said I hadn 't heard anything . She said it looks like there are major issues . Shouldn 't be . I asked if it 's because the kids changed their names after the adoption but their social security number is still the same . That would mess everything up , I 'm sure . No , she couldnt ' tell me anything other than to call back next week . And no , I don 't have to send in another tax return . She told me I should have e - filed . But I can 't e - file . They don 't allow it if you have an adoption credit . I know there is nothing wrong with my tax return . Everything is the same ( well the numbers do change a little each year ) as the past several years . It 's not a simple return because of the rentals and now the adoption but it 's very straight forward . And I didn 't cheat or lie so that should make the thing smoother . I 'll call back next week . In the mean time , I 'll keep wishing the tax return would show up . And this year I 've changed the deductions so I 'm not giving the feds free money to use . I 'd rather owe money at the end of the year then go through this hassle of trying to get my money back . To get my mind off the IRS I decided that today would be a good day to move the sheep from the back to the front . I do this by driving the pickup and trailer into the back pasture and park it at the end of the animal pens . I then rig up the gate and trailer so the animals will go from the pen through a narrow pathway to the trailer . Or at least that 's the plan . I got them into the outside pen , which is about 10 x 50 . I had the gate open at the end so they could go into a nice grassy area prior to loading into the trailer . I herded the sheep to the gate . The ram blocked the opening so none of the sheep could go into the grassy area . They all kept staring at me . The ram is a big chicken . If the sheep are running away from something he is always first to escape but if they are backed into a corner he will push the others in front of him so he 's in the rear . So much for him protecting his ewes . He 's only out to protect himself . Anyway , it ended up getting dark and I could only get 10 of the 12 into the grassy area . I gave up and went back into the house . I 'll get them in the trailer tomorrow . They 'll get lured in with some cob . Then I will drive the truck to the front of the property and unload them in the front pasture . While you may think it would be easy to just herd them from the front to the back , after all it 's only about 300 feet away , these sheep wouldn 't go . They are so afraid of going somewhere new that they would make an end around and run back into their old pasture . They have to move by trailer . The front pasture is about 3 / 4 of an acre . The grass is thigh high . I 've got the trees well fenced so they won 't be able to eat them this year . I don 't know which is worse , herding sheep or IRS agents . Can 't wait until both are done . I was talking to my Oklahoma friend today and was told that their entire family had somehow contracted a case of head lice . It seems to be going around their school and their sixth grade daughter brought it home for the family . Head lice can be found on the human scalp : on the head , eyebrows , and eyelashes . They feed on human blood several times a day . Head lice move my crawling . They don 't hop or fly . They are often spread by contacting someone 's hat , coat , comb , brush , or towel that is used by someone affected by the insect . Head lice have three forms : the egg ( or nit ) , the nymph , and the adult . The CDC website has a good photo of the actual size of these three forms . The egg is laid on the hair shaft near the scalp . The nits hatch in about 8 days . It takes about a week and a half for the nymph to reach maturity . They can do so only on a diet of human blood . The adult must also feed on blood . They only live about a month as adults but lay about six eggs each day . If the lice falls off the persons head ( or is on a brush , pillow , etc . ) it will only live for about two days unless there is another head that it comes in contact with . Imagine you just went to the doctor 's office , or the bank , or a restaurant . You sit down on their nice comfortable chair and sink yourself in . Your head rests against the nice cushioned chair . Finally you get to relax a bit while you wait . But what if the person before you had head lice ? Or a person from the prior day ? What if the kids at school hang their coats up on hooks and they all get piled on top of each other ? It 's no big deal . Perhaps it will be just one little louse . But what if that one was a female , just reaching adulthood ? She could lay six eggs a day for a month . They won 't even start hatching and you 'd have no idea you were infected with them until you had 75 or 80 on you . Even then , you may itch for a second or two but you 'll just sluff it off . In her month long life of laying eggs she will lay around 180 eggs . If all 180 hatch and half are female , then in a couple of weeks 90 more lice will start laying eggs . In one month , and before you really realize what 's happening you can have over 16 , 000 lice sucking the blood from your scalp ! If you don 't get them taken care of in another month you will have almost three million disgusting creatures on you . Now , I 've never heard of anyone having three million lice . You 'd probably die of anemia by then ! How do you make sure you get rid of them in your house ? You don 't need to fumigate the house . The lice aren 't going to live more than a couple days without sucking blood so if you just stay off the fabric sofa and chair , change and wash the sheets on your bed each day for a few days , wash all clothes that you 've been wearing for the last couple days and vacuum your house you should be good . Have the wash water greater than 130 degrees . The lice don 't just walk around , they usually cling to hair that fell off your head and they just had the misfortune to be clinging to that particular piece . Although lice and nits don 't like cold temperatures , you 'd have to have something in the freezer for a couple of days for it to kill them . TPermethrin . ( Nix ) This is a synthetic pyrethroid . This too doesn 't kill the eggs so a second treatment is necessary . This one is not approved for kids under two . Malathion lotion . ( Ovide ) Same malathion used to kill mosquitos and bugs in the yard . You need a doctor 's prescription for this one . It kills the live lice and some eggs so a second treatment will probably be necessary . Benzyl alcohol lotion . ( Ulesfia ) It only kills live lice so a second treatment is necessary . It 's approved for children over six months . This needs a prescription . Lindane shampoo . This needs a prescription but it 's not recommended since it can be toxic to the brain and other parts of the nervous system . Lice Shield Shampoo and Leave In Spray . Lice Shield is formulated with a blend of citronella , eucalyptus and rosemary essential oils . Found at Walmart , Walgreens , etc . Oil or Mayonnaise . Rub this into your hair . After it 's been on your hair for two hours wash it out . Iron . Use a flat iron daily . Spend hours combing the nits out of each strand of hair . Use little metal lice combs . Get several ! Figure out how you are going to control this creature and prepare . My friend had to drive 45 miles from home to find a store that carried Rid or Nix because of the local outbreak . You 've heard of Latitude and Longitude . You may have even heard of Universal Transverse Mercator UTM ) but do you know what that means or how do you use it ? It 's actually a much easier system to use than lat / long because it doesn 't deal with curvature . The following is originally from a Powerpoint presentation that I converted to fit the blog . After looking through it , and perhaps following along on your own USGS 7 . 5 min . quad map , you will see how simple a locational system it really is . Posted by I 'm really surprised by the news that people aren 't cutting back on their driving even with gas prices around here above $ 4 . 00 a gallon . They say it 's because of the good economy . I say they are wrong . It 's because most people received a tax refund and are flush with money at the moment . When the money runs out they will slow down on the driving . My son and his family worked very little last year . They earned under $ 10 , 000 but with their welfare , food stamps , discounted rent , free medical , their actual income was over $ 30 , 000 . Not a lot but they still have a computer and a 52 inch tv . They had about $ 200 taken out of their paycheck for federal taxes but got a return of about $ 7000 ! More free money from the government . They went on a spending spree . They bought a used car , furniture , clothes , toys ( including a $ 300 electric riding toy for the kids ) , and a bunch more stuff . They go out to eat and have lots of money to spend on gas . I figure that their extra money will run out in another few weeks . I didn 't even try to convince them to save any of the money . That would have been a waste of my breath . I did try to convince them to spend it on things that mattered . Things that will last . The $ 30 dollar dressers they got for their kids are already broken . The gas prices will slow them down soon . Army daughter and son - in - law want to buy a house . They don 't have to save up much since they are both veterans and will qualify for VA loans which take little or no down . They are trying to figure out how to save money . They sat down and figured out what they spend money on . They 've never had a written plan since they 've always had a little extra at the end of each month to put into the savings . When they told me how much they take home I made a comment that I take home about the same amount . Then I said I take home more because I have some automatically put into an account to pay the taxes and insurance and more gets put into a 401k , but the actual amount that flows through my hands each month is the same as what they have . The difference is that I pay more than twice the amount each month for the mortgage than they plan on paying for the mortgage , taxes , and insurance on their new place . Well then , they should be able to put away a lot of money in the next couple of months since they are living with me rent free . Army daughter was trying to figure out how to spend less on food . She 's been buying most of the food for the entire household , not paper products , cleaning supplies , and other things , just food . She volunteers to do this because they live rent free . She said that her food budget is about two hundred dollars per week . Huh ? I spend that per month . I don 't understand how she can spend that much . That 's almost thirty dollars a day . Then I got to thinking . They buy a chunk of meat that costs between $ 10 and $ 15 ( what doesn 't get eaten goes to the chickens ) , Starbucks drinks at $ 2 each , and little packages of stuff that cost 10 times as much than if you 'd buy it in bulk . I buy a gallon of mustard for $ 4 and she buys a little bottle of designer mustard for $ 6 . Our chickens are eating well because they throw away a lot of stuff . I suggested $ 25 a month for clothes for the baby . She budgeted $ 50 . Why I asked ? Baby clothes are expensive . Not really . The baby is in 6 month size which will last for three months . I could go to Target and buy a weeks worth of clothes for $ 50 . At $ 25 a month it would take two months worth of money for stuff that would last three months . I know that I can get used , borrowed , or cheaper stuff , but they wouldn 't do that at all . I just think differently . If I budgeted $ 75 for three months and spent $ 50 then I 'd be able to buy more supplies , fruit trees , six chickens , etc . Spend it on something tangible for the future . Army daughter 's budget included three round trips to town each day . Although only her husband works she has to go in to town for appointments , shopping , college one night a week , etc . I was trying to convince her to drive less . After all , it takes about two gallons of fuel for each round trip . At four bucks a gallon they are averaging $ 24 dollar a day in gas , seven days a week ! If I have to fill up my truck more than once a month it better be because we are going out of town because this gives me three trips into town on a tank of gas . I have to drive to town to go to workWhat if It is today , I asked her ? Would she go into psychological withdrawals if she couldn 't go into town and shop ? Can she differentiate wants from needs ? I challenged Army daughter this evening . No going into a store more than twice a week . I 'm not even telling her that she has to have a list to shop from . Just stay out of the stores . Don 't make the trip in to town . Right now they are spending over $ 700 a month on gas . Cut back on driving . For her , that means money saved for a house . For me , that means more money for preps . Posted by I found a good deal on a portable solar charger . It 's the Power Pocket 12W Solar Charger . RealGoods has it on sale for $ 179 . http : / / www . realgoods . com / product / 41 - 0217 . do ? ihtc = e _ dotw _ pp _ 408 This website doesn 't tell you a lot about it but I googled the product and found it on a couple of other websites . It says it will charge most small items in a couple of hours . You can also use it to trickle charge a 12V battery . They list it at $ 299 but I saw it on other websites for $ 259 . $ 179 is a good price and RealGoods is a good company . Posted by Yesterday afternoon 9 year old granddaughter helped with some of the outdoor chores . She pounded two t - posts in with a post pounder . She planted two grapevines and 36 strawberry plants . When she planted the strawberries she stepped on one of the grape plants and broke the vine off down to the ground . I expect that it will still grow . I also took the part that she broke off and stuck the end in water and then in a rooting agent . I planted it in a 4 inch pot so maybe we 'll get another grapevine out of it . I know that you can take a grapevine and push a stem down to the ground , secure it , cover it with some soil , and in a year it should have rooted from that spot . You can then cut it off and plant your new grapevine . At some point I 'll do this to expand our " vineyard " of six grapevines . We have two Thompson seedless , which are the regular green grapes and are also used for raisins , two Red Flames , and now two Concords ( plus hopefully the additional one will root ) . I want to plant about 8 more in this one area and am hoping to get some good end of bareroot season deals . Perhaps I 'll end up planting more grapes somewhere else on the property if I can get a hold of a lot of plants . I never bothered growing grapes before because there was a huge vineyard right behind us with about 50 acres planted in grapes . The landowner had said we could pick what we wanted so for over 10 years we did . We harvested enough to make juice , raisins , and to eat fresh . Unfortunately , last year they killed off the entire vineyard . Our next door neighbor has over 100 vines . He said we could pick some last year , which did provide us with some grapes but their grapes were so small that it was a hassle to even eat them . We need our own . I checked on the lambs and they are all doing fine today . They seem to have forgotten the banding from yesterday . We have two duck nests in the barn this year . One nest is in the same spot as last years nest . The other is behind the hay bales . I think the same duck laid both nests . Just today I saw her sitting onWhat if it 's today ? - A survivalist 's blog With over 19 years working on our preps and after having a created a fully prepared 5 acres in the Great Central Valley of California , we up and moved to a very small town in Colorado . We are now on 35 acres with no fruit trees , no garden , a home that isn 't finished , and no job . Sounds like paradise , or at least it will be . Lots of work to do . How much time do I have before there 's no time left ? We still have food storage and lots of provisions , but are not in any way self sufficient . . . yet . Follow us on our new adventure . Perhaps you 'll learn something from us and from your comments we can learn something from you . |
I have a fascination with basements because the first time I ever saw one or was in one was about 15 years ago . In this part of the state only the real old houses have basements . One of the reasons they did was so people had a cool place to go during the hot time of the year . It also served as a storage area for the larder . My house sits on a concrete slab . I just dream of having a basement . A few years ago I changed the flooring in my house . I pulled out all the carpet . I do have a few rooms with hardwood floors and those will stay because they cost too much and I really like them . The rest of the flooring got replaced with either stamped colored cement or with tile . When I first moved into this house I pulled the carpet out of the hallway . I didn 't really have the money to replace it with anything and I also didn 't know what I wanted to do with the floor . I went to the store and spent about fifty dollars on a bunch of cans of Make it Rock which is a spray paint that comes out in blotches . You spray it on and it looks like granite . You are supposed to spray it on flower pots and stuff . I sprayed it on the floor . I did this for the hall and kids bathroom . It comes with the spray and also an overcoat . I kept it that way for seven or eight years . It actually looked pretty good . I do like the feel of carpet under my feet . Just vacuumed carpet looks good too . I remember my first house with long shag carpet . We had a carpet rake to make the shag all go in the same direction ! There are a couple reasons that the carpets were pulled . First is with kids it gets dirty quickly . Second , if you , or the people who lived in the house before you had pets , at least one pet will have used the carpet as a cat box or lawn . Even if it 's cleaned and sanitized , it doesn 't come out of the pad . When you pull out a carpet and pad you will be shocked at the pad . Third , carpet catches fire . The fire aspect is the main reason I don 't want carpet in my house . You can throw a small rug on the floor in certain spots if you want to have some comPosted by How do you fix something when you 've never fixed it before and you don 't know how ? Sometimes I wonder how Army daughter could be as high ranking as she is . I suppose all her common sense goes to that and then there 's little room left for anything else . Her car is at the shop getting repaired . It 's been there for a couple of weeks because the local Ford dealer can 't quite figure out what the problem is . I spoke to the mechanic at work and he said it may just be one of those problems where you have to try one fix and if it doesn 't work try another and another until your process of elimination is over . Anyway , she wanted to take the grandkids out to the school , which although is the most local " park " it 's still over five miles away . OK , she could borrow my truck . Just be careful . She 's usually a good driver and none of the girls want to be put into the same category as their brother who totaled my car a few years back . When she came back she said there was a little problem because she hit the garage door . Actually it was the trim around the door that she hit with the mirror as she was pulling in the garage . She ripped it completely away from the wall . She kept proclaiming that she was really sorry and that we better call her insurance company to pay for the repair . What ? ? ? ? Fix it yourself , I told her . How ? First look at see the nondamaged side to see what it 's supposed to look like . The rubber trim was pulled out of the wood . The trim is held on by nails . Go into the garage and get the same size nails . Then pull out the old nails and put new ones in . Don 't nail them all the way in with the hammer or you will mark the wood . You can use another nail to push them in , or get a punch out of the toolbox . Just remember to look at what 's there , how it was put together , then recreate it . It 's not really hard to do most home repairs . The other day she tried making coffee . My coffee maker isn 't that hard to use . We 've gone over it several times and to make it really easy , I have two of everything so as she removes something she can replace it with the identical part . There are five parts to making coffee . Part 1 . Add the beans . You open the top and take out the grinder . Notice how the lid attaches . Take the clean grinder . Put beans in up to the line . Put the grinder lid on . Put it back into the spot the grinder goes in - the same spot you took out the dirty grinder . Part 2 . Put in the filter . Take out the old filter with the used wet coffee grounds in it . Notice the three pieces to the filter system : the top and bottom of the filter container and the mesh filter . Put the mesh filter into the filter container . Put it back in the same spot you took the other filter out of . Look at what you just removed . Set up the clean one the same way . Part 3 . Take out the coffee pot and lid and put in a clean coffee pot and lid . Do not forget to put on the lid to the coffee pot . You did notice that the dirty one had a lid on , didn 't you ? Of course not . Part 4 . Pour the water in up to the 12 cup line . Part 5 . Press start . Since you didn 't put the lid on the coffee pot the filter isn 't going to be able to drain the coffee out the bottom . Did you not notice that the lid has a little hump in it to push on the plug of the filter ? No ? This means the coffee is going to come out the top of the filter and spill out oI guess I 've gotten used to fixing things myself . It saves money and often time , and it makes me more self sufficient . I suppose that 's why Army daughter and her husband would rather be in an apartment in the city than " banished " to the countryside as they are now . Posted by The local news reported that police are looking for robbers who tied up and beat up a woman in her own home during a home invasion robbery . The man and woman stole the woman 's car , bank card , jewelry , and electronics . The woman was able to get free and go to a neighbor 's home for help . The story continued with a report that neighbors said they 've seen a suspicious couple in the area over the past few weeks . I have some questions about this story . What time in the morning ? Was the woman up and about or in bed sleeping ? Was the woman home alone ? Was this a surprise attack ? Did she have the tv or radio blasting so she wouldn 't have been aware of any noise in her house ? Did the couple knock on the door , kick down the door , walk in through an open and unlocked door , break a window , or exactly how did they get in ? How long were they there ? How did she escape ? I used to assume my home was a safe place . I kept the doors and windows open all night for ¾ of the year . I lost my house key and didn 't replace it for several years . During that time my house was never locked . I do live in a safe place , but really , no place is safe if it happens to be the place the bad guys pick . If I heard a strange noise I 'd go outside to investigate . I would bring a cell phone with me that was dialed to 911 ( all I 'd have to do is press Send ) just in case I 'd come across someone who wasn 't supposed to be on my property . I still assume my home is a safe place . I don 't keep the doors locked all the time . If the grandkids are home that would be a pain . If I 'm holed up in the house working on the computer or something , the doors are closed , but not always locked . On the other hand , at night I no longer keep the doors wide open . They are closed and locked . I also have an alarm system at the house . It has a door chime function and I have it set to chime every time a door or window opens . I 've also told the grandkids that they are supposed to call out that they are home when they come in from school or from being away for any What if it 's today ? - A survivalist 's blog I had to head up north today for work . It was one of those three hour drives but today I seemed to get behind every slow driver . I 'm not talking about someone who was driving the speed limit in the fast lane of the freeway , I mean people who were driving 35 in a 55 on the country roads . It was good that I didn 't have to actually give my presentation until after lunch . I really wasn 't in a hurry . I did my normal of leaving town with a full tank of gas and a couple filled gas cans . I can make the round trip on one tank of gas . I don 't . Two hours into the trip I stopped and got fuel . I completed the trip there and on the way home I filled up again . I told all at home that I wouldn 't be home until about 20 : 00 so this gave me extra time to explore some side roads on the way home . I spent about 10 miles on roads that I 've never been on . I was surprised to come upon a town that I 'd never been through either . I thought I 'd been everywhere . When I got up to my destination I went to the back of the truck ( always backing in to the parking space for a quick escape ) which was a couple of feet from the side of a building . I opened up the camper shell and tailgate and got my stuff out . Then as I walked back to the front of my truck I completely forgot about the railroad tie that was used to delineate the edge of the rock parking area and the beginning of the walkway . I fell over . Fortunately there were no witnesses ! At least , if anyone witnessed it they pretended that they didn 't . I tore the knee of my pants and skinned my knee . At least I was smart enough to drop the things in my hands and catch my fall . I didn 't have the large poster board in my hands when I tripped . I would have been really upset if I messed that up since it was the main visual prop for my presentation to the legislature folks that showed up . It wasn 't until I got home and took my boots off did I realize that I twisted my ankle and it was now twice the size of my other ankle ! Oh well . I took some ibuprofen and sent an email to my supervisor . The weather is sI like to read the billboards along the way on the freeway . Some are funny . Some are stupid and I can 't believe that companies actually spend money on them . I did see one that really caught my eye . Prepare for Disaster ! Have a bag packed , Have a plan , and a third thing but I drove by and missed it . I think it was a FEMA billboard , or maybe CalEMA . It got me to thinking about how that billboard is probably going to be ignored by the thousands of people who drive by each day . Prepare for Disaster ! People around here don 't know what disaster means . We don 't have the devastating tornadoes that are happening in the east . We don 't have hurricanes or earthquakes . We don 't flood . Fires are in the foothills and mountains . What disaster was this billboard aiming for with the people driving down Highway 99 in the Great Central Valley ? A house fire ? A drive - by shooting ? Perhaps the disaster is a traveling disaster like a car accident . The billboard certainly wasn 't going to say Prepare for terrorist attack ! Prepare for economic collapse ! Prepare for inflation ! Prepare for roving gangs ! Still , it 's good to get the word out . I think when I go to work on Friday I 'll bring up the billboard and see if I can get a conversation started . Maybe that 's what it 's there for - to start conversations . On a side note , Army daughter this morning said she heard gold is going up to record levels . " That 's good , right ? " , she said . " That means the economy is doing better and things are doing better . " No , I told her . It 's just the opposite . Gold goes up when confidence is low and things aren 't doing well . Perhaps I should start my billboard conversations with her . At work I saw a pile of pallets and wondered if I could take them home . I went to ask the warehouse manager but he was off . I then asked his boss . She said she didn 't know if we got a refund if they were returned or if they just would get hauled off . She told me to ask another of the warehouse type people . The other person that she was referring to was off as well . I then spoke to one of the mechanics and he said that it was ok to take them as long as I didn 't sell them . Not a problem . I loaded eight of the best pallets into the back of the truck . We will use the wood at home as there are always projects that need wood . Then he told me that at another work location there was a huge stack of wood that was pallets or something but that the wood had already been pulled apart and was now a pile of stacked boards . Those were available too . I went to that location today and was told that not only was there this stack of pallets and boards but that under the pole barn was more wood that I could take , as long as I didn 't sell it . At the pole barn were about 10 stacks of pallets and a torn down fence . The fence was 1x6 and 1x8 dog eared boards attached to 2x4s and a 4x4 post . Each panel was about five feet wide . I hit the jackpot . Since this truck was the one with the camper shell I couldn 't get all of the wood that I wanted but I got six or seven fence panels plus about 20 pieces that were already pulled from the panels . With a full load I happily drove home . I can go back as often as I want for more . Since I have to head back that way at the end of the week I 'll fill the truck up again . Posted by The power went off last night . I don 't know why . We paid the bill . Actually it went off then on then off then on then off all within about 30 seconds . With the third off I got up from reading and went into the kitchen to get a candle . I did have a flashlight within a six inch reach of where I was sitting but didn 't need it . Although it was dark out I can walk through my house with my eyes closed and go to the correct cabinet to get matches and also to the correct drawer to pull out a candle . The room I was in had candle and matches too but I chose the kitchen because it was closer to where the majority of the people were . I called out to Army daughter and son - in - law that I was going to light a candle . As I lit the match the lights went back on again . I put the candle into the holder and put it onto the dining room table . I called out that I 'm leaving the candle lit and on the table . Granddaughter climbed out of bed and came out of her room to tell me her fish tank pump was broken because it kept going on and off . She said she thought it was overflowing . I think she is going to be dreaming about overflowing toilets after the afternoons bathroom flood . I told her that it was just the power going on and off . She asked why ? I said that I had no idea why the power was going off but it didn 't matter . We didn 't really need the power anyway . That 's not really quite true . While we didn 't need the power last night because it was bedtime anyway , what if we lost power for a day or a week or a month ? A day . . . not a problem . Keep the freezer and refrigerator doors closed . Use a match to light the propane stove since the electronic ignition wouldn 't work . Drink water from the reserves . Toilets ? We only have one flush per toilet without power because the well won 't pump to refill the tank . We do have the outhouse I built in the garden . We also have the trailer toilet which uses much less water because it goes directly into the tank so water isn 't needed to push it through the pipes . What about a week ? If I couldn 't get some dry iPosted by I was reading in my library when I heard grandson call out , come in the bathroom . It is his week to clean the bathroom and he was working through his list ( shower , toilet , trash , mirror , counter and sink , floor ) . I figured it was one of his endless requests for me to come and check one item on the list . I didn 't respond right away then his voice sounded a little worried as he called for me to come . As I was walking down the hall he spotted me and said it 's overflowing . The water was flowing over the rim of the toilet and was starting to flow into the hall . Army daughter came running when she heard him say it was overflowing . She and I had two completely different first reactions . Hers was to run to the end of the hall and get towels . Mine was to walk into the bathroom and turn off the water valve on the wall behind the toilet . I took the towels from her and used them to stop the flow out of the bathroom . She went to get more towels . I stopped her and said it 's good for the moment . She could even go back to the game the kids and grandkids were playing . I went out to the garage and got the shop vac . I brought it in and sucked up over two gallons of water , in addition to the water that the towels soaked up . I did ask where the rag was that Grandson was using to clean the bathroom . He said that nothing extra went down the toilet when he flushed it . I used the plunger to unplug the toilet and it opened up right away and didn 't pull anything up . The plumbing has worked just fine since . After we had a family meeting . What if I wasn 't home ? What steps should they have taken ? I taught the grandkids how to turn the valve to shut off the water at the toilet . I don 't think they 'd be able to unlatch the shopvac from the wall so I told them that using towels to clean it up was fine . It got me to thinking about toilets in general . Of course we all talk about stocking up on toilet paper . Jokes are made about the old Sears catalogues but that wouldn 't work with a septic system , only an outhouse . Do we have enough toilet parts to What if it 's today ? - A survivalist 's blog With brother - in - law over this weekend we spent the day working on the front gate . The wrought iron fence and gate were installed last fall but we had problems with the automatic gate opener . We spent the day using the welder ( which he brought up from San Diego - it cost $ 1000 , I asked ) and got it put together . It uses a solar powered opener which charges a battery . A fully charged battery should last a month during the winter fog season when we may go for a week or two without seeing the sun . From the street to the house it 's about 250 feet . The wrought iron gate is about 25 feet off the road . It 's deep enough for a vehicle to pull off the road safely while the gate is opening . My concern was if that gate was compromised . The gate is supposed to have about 100 codes which really isn 't many . The good thing is that it 's a very high end gate opener ( even though we aren 't high end ) and not too many people around here used this brand . If someone was going around trying to open gates , they would be assuming that most people had the one or two most common brands . We also have a second gate on the driveway . This gate is about 200 feet from the road . Someone can get through the first gate but still not be able to drive straight up to the house because of the second gate . It 's just a farm gate and people can just jump right over it but it will stop the vehicle . The main reason I wanted this was if someone wanted to break into the house , their vehicle would be visible from the road . If this second gate wasn 't there it 's really easy to drive around the house and park . It would make that intruder virtually invisible from the road . Brother - in - law needed to make a run to Home Depot because the mounting hardware wasn 't right . During this time I went out to the garden and dug up one of the asparagus plants . I planted these about 10 years ago and they 've really gotten large . The one original plant was able to be divided into about 30 - 40 new plants . I gave six to the next door neighbor and six to my sister to bring back to San DiegWhat if it 's today ? - A survivalist 's blog Part of being a survivalist or a prepper is to be prepared for not only minor events but also major events . When something goes wrong there are many people who want to help the victims in national or international tragedies and also more localized events such as fires , accidents or deaths . When people help others they are also helping themselves deal with these situations . What are some of the things you can do ? Structure is important , not confusion and chaos . Slow down your life . You don 't need every minute to be planned in advance with classes or sports . Maintain normal routines . If you don 't have routines start to do so . Meal time , sleeping time , and family time should be maintained as well as possible . Structure enhances your strength and stamina , especially in the face of danger . This provides security . You may need to follow common sense rules and adjust to threats to further your security . Children need to know that their families will be there for them . Assure those around you . They need to know that everything is being done to further stop , fix , or prevent the event . They need to know that an effort is being made to bring forth justice . They need to know they are loved and are important to you . Take action . Do something . Be calm . Read a book to a child . Help out your elderly neighbor . Write a letter to a soldier or first responder . Encourage each other . Listen . Offer guidance and support . Spend time with people you like . People need current , accurate and practical information . It will reduce stress and anxiety . It can assist and guide you . This doesn 't mean you should be glued to the tv or radio listening and watching evil events on the news . The news shows repeat the same stories each hour . Do you need to hear it two or three times ? Be positive . Make good decisions . Tell the truth even when it is not good news . Provide as much detail as in necessary or able to be understood . Keep secrets where secrecy is needed , but speak the truth . Counter rumors with facts . It is normal to have negative feelingsWhat if it 's today ? - A survivalist 's blog The morning started off well . I was able to work for a few hours before I had to deal with grandkids or relatives . I had to return a call to one of the state senator 's offices and didn 't have a baby screaming in the background . The call went well . They got an answer to their question that was what they were hoping to get . The grandkids awoke , including one extra that didn 't go home with his parents last night . That was the 15 year old who was sort of in trouble at home and sort of just staying over here to get a break . In order for him to stay the night he had to promise to do chores . That 's a pretty good deal : feed a fifteen year old boy in exchange for chores . I treated him the same as the other grandkids . You are hungry . Go pick something off a tree . I had five fruit trees that I bought about a month ago and they needed planting soon . I just wasn 't able to plant them because I couldn 't dig the holes with my arm the way it 's been . What a perfect task for the 15 year old and the 8 year old . How to plant trees . Dig the hole the right size , about three times wider than the container the tree is in and about 1 1 / 2 to 2 times deeper . Take the soil that you just dug and put it into the big bucket . Add some compost and mix it well . Put water into the hole . Figure out how much soil needs to go back into the hole to get the tree at the right level . Hold the tree straight ! Put soil in . Add water . Tap it down with your foot . Repeat the process . Hold the tree straight ! Perfect . They repeated the process on all five trees . I think the 15 year old can go home and plant some fruit trees for his mom . It 's a wonderful skill . San Diego nephew is five years old . He loves coming to our farm and visiting his cousins . He got to climb trees . He fed the chickens . He was swinging on his belly on the swing set and slipped off falling flat on his face . I was about 25 feet away trying to root some grapevines and was supervising . Had to drop what I was doing and go over when he started crying . I picked him up and saw that he had a bloody lWhat if it 's today ? - A survivalist 's blog Once again our house is crazy with a bunch of relatives descending on us for their vacation . Some actually arrived before we got home yesterday . Before I left for Southern California I wrote out a list of stuff for Army daughter to do . One of the things on the list was to take the turkey out of the freezer on Monday , put it into the ice chest and partially put on the lid . I figured by this morning it would be ready for me to put into the salt brine for a few hours and then stick it into the oven around noon . It was to be the main course at dinner tonight for the 20 plus people who were going to be sitting at our table . I went out to the garage this morning to bring in the turkey . No turkey in the ice chest . Oops , Army daughter forgot . I think it was a conspiracy because everyone was asking if I would cook a brisket instead . Sure , I have to go to the vet this morning so cat can get his stitches out . I 'll go to the meat market on the way home . I also had to make some photo copies because I didn 't get that done the other day and nobody volunteered to do it when they were in town . I was not happy . In fact , I was starting to get into a bad mood having to even leave the property when I was expecting to hang out at home with the company . I went to the vet . All was good with the cat . ( I think I forgot to write that renters of the bug - out property brought their dog over and he stepped on one of our cats and broke the cat 's pelvis . ) I walked out of the vet and looked at my truck tire . It sort of looked low , but perhaps I was mistaken and it was just the way I had the wheels turned when I parked it . Then I went to the photo copy store . I was making two sided copies and the machine kept jamming . I was really getting ticked off but tried to be pleasant . When I was done I went out to the truck and noticed the tire was really low - almost too low to drive on it without wrecking it . Change of plans , off to the tire shop . ( Note to self : Buy one of those small compressors for the truck that will pump your tire . ) I got there and thWhen I left I realized that there was a reason that I had the flat tire . I needed to slow down and get out of the bad mood . While most people would have been in an even worse mood after the tire incident , it put me into a great mood . God was telling me to get over myself . It really wasn 't a big deal that the turkey didn 't get defrosted or that I needed to run some errands . I headed off to the meat market , visited with the owner for a while , then went home . I got home and played with the grandkids for a while , then started preparing dinner . We had a great meal . This would be a really stupid thing to write about today except it was really just a normal day with normal stresses . Sometimes we get so worked up about things that aren 't such a big deal that it ruins our day , our health , and our happiness . Imagine if TSHTF and all the people at my house today were going to stay for a month or two or three rather than just a week ? How would we deal with the personality differences that are easy enough to over look for just a week ? We would need to have a solid hierarchy that was acceptable to all - with me in charge of the group of course . . . Why would I be in charge ? It 's not just because it 's my house or I 'm the oldest of the clan . Rather it 's because I 'm logical , I handle stress well , and I know how to spread around the tasks that need to be done by relying on people 's strengths . Every once in a while I just need a flat tire to remind me of that . Posted by We are back from our trip to Southern California . It was a fun trip . We got to visit friends and relatives , which I always find enjoyable . Girl is in fourth grade and in California this means studying missions . Things have changed since I was in 4th grade . Sure it was a million years ago according to the grandkids , but so much of history has changed in order . Now the Spaniards were evil mongers where when I was a child they were kind religious people trying to modernize the Indians . Of course I don 't believe that they were all kind , in most cases they were very harsh to the Indians . But grandson got it right . The main reason for the missions was to make more Catholics . I brought the kids to the mission in Ventura last Sunday . We walked through the mission courtyard into the side door of the church during the middle of services . Sshhhh I told the grandkids . They are praying and we need to be respectful . Boy grabbed a palm leaf and started twisting it into shapes just like the other little boys were doing . Then the priest started speaking . What language is it ? Latin . In Catholic services they speak Latin . Oh , said the boy . " Those people are Catholics ! Just like when the missions were here . " We are still in the mission 's church , so yes they are Catholics . Boy was very impressed that next year he is going to learn about missions and he already knows that Catholics still use the mission . I realized that the kids know Christians and Jews and Presbyterians ( two of our friends are Presbyterian pastors ) but they don 't really understand that each religion is split into different groups who have basically the same beliefs but different ways of interpreting how to carry out those beliefs . Starting with missions is a good start . We had dinner with my brothers and sisters last night . Actually one brother called from England during dinner so it counted that he was there . Topics included shopping and the prices of everything . I said that while I was glad I didn 't have to work in Southern California on Tuesday , the downside was that I had to drive my own truck rather than the work truck . The trip cost me $ 150 in gas that I wasn 't planning on spending . We somehow got on the topic of self defense . When most were out of the room I pulled out my CCW permit and handed it to my brother - in - law . He was surprised and asked how I got it and if I was armed and how he could get one . I told him that the sheriff in my county encourages people to apply for the permit . I don 't know how it is in his county but because he is a business owner who often has to deal with a lot of cash , he probably could get one . He said that they do have a gun in the house up in their bedroom . The house also has an elaborate alarm system and they live in a gated neighborhood . Their home does back up to open space , so it would be easy for someone to hike in to their property . We got home this afternoon and San Diego sister and nephew caravaned to our house . San Diego brother - in - law is flying in for the weekend . We were talking to each other over the phone during the drive . She was asking about solar power , the different types , and if solar would be a good idea for them . They are slowly coming around . Once we got home the kids took off playing and I went around to all the animals and plants to make sure it all survived the four days we were gone . After all , Army daughter promised to take care of everything while we were away and I wrote out a detailed list of what to do . First I headed out to the baby chickens . Son - in - law said that daughter had just watered the chicks before she left for school an hour earlier . I 'm not quite sure what she did because there are three water containers in their coop . Two are quart jars that are attached to plastic waterers . The third container is a oThen I went out to the front to check on the sheep . All were well . Finally I checked on the cats . They had food and water . Then I was off to the garden . None of the asparagus got cut so most of the plants have ferned out . There were some stalks coming up but the season is about over because they didn 't cut any asparagus . They didn 't cut any artichokes but they are still ok . They 'll get cut tomorrow . The newly planted grapes and strawberries didn 't get watered . It 's a good thing that I watered them well before we left . None of the peppers or tomatoes were watered . I know it 's a lot to expect someone to take care of your plants and animals when you leave but in this case , Army daughter volunteered so I didn 't have oldest daughter come over to take care of things . I had everything written down . I 'm not sure where the disconnect was . Fortunately nothing died so I suppose all is well . It 's good to be home and I 'm sure I 'll be spending extra time in the garden tomorrow to make it up to my plants and animals . I used to love coming down to Southern California but lately each time I come down I have a really critical eye . I look at the amount of people , the roads , the built environment - buildings and structures . It 's just so crowded . There is still a lot of farmland in this area but if TSHTF there 's not enough space for everyone . Few new homes are being built , instead multi - family housing is going in everywhere . Coming down the Conejo grade today I had a great view of the ocean . What crossed my mind was the tsunami in Japan . I could picture the damage and destruction that would have been caused if the tsunami came in at Oxnard and Ventura . I have concerns for family members that live in the area . Between wildfires and earthquakes , none of the relatives down here are prepared at all , although sister in San Diego does have a couple weeks of food on hand . I lived through many earthquakes including the Sylmar quake when I lived in Southern California , the Loma Prieta quake when in Northern California , the Northridge quake when I was bringing my kids to visit my sister at CSU Northridge , and the Calexico quake last year when we were visiting relatives in the San Diego area . Maybe they can use me to predict earthquakes ! During the Northridge quake and the Sylmar quake the freeways collapsed . This lead to having to divert traffic for many months . People got through it and after a few weeks the only ones who were still affected were those whose homes were damaged or destroyed . For everyone else , life went on as normal other than perhaps a bit of a traffic change . Wildfires have surrounded their towns . My brothers inlaws home burned down in one fire . They were fortunate because they had just put the house on the market and had lots and lots of photos that the realtor took . They were fully insured and got a great settlement . They had a vacation home that held some of their personal belongings so they lost most of their personal belongings but still had some . They bought a new home and were in the process of remodeling it . They were renting another home during that time . Another fire hit and almost burned down the home they were renting . Life goes on . They didn 't miss a meal . They were able to go out and instantly purchase everything they needed . Lots of incidents but no real hardships . I don 't think that I 'm going to be able to convince any of the family down here to prepare in any way other than to have a couple of weeks of food I don 't have the work truck with me but my personal truck . We have spare fuel in the back of the pickup . We have good hiking shoes . We have food for a couple weeks , including food for the dog , which we brought with us . We have three times the cash that I think I 'll need . We are good but at the same time I wish we were home with the sheep , goats , chickens , cats , and garden , and lots less people . Posted by The sheep went into the trailer without any trouble this morning . It took less than two minutes . I drove them to the front pasture , set up the gates so when they walked out of the trailer they 'd go the right direction , and out they went into the thigh high grass . They are so happy they don 't know where to eat first . Then it was time to start on some of the later spring chores . I hooked the hose up in the front of the house . Some day I will have a better set up with underground pipes but for now , it 's hoses . The hose from the front bib goes out to a four way split . One hose waters the roses and olive trees . One hose fills the stock tank in the front pasture . One hose waters the flowers and plants in the front yard . The last hose waters the trees in the front pasture . The three hoses that water are all drip irrigation hoses . I don 't use normal emitters on these hoses though . I just punch a small hole , using the emitter punch , and let the water drip out that way . It works well and I don 't have the expense , albeit small , of emitters . The stock tank always has goldfish in it to eat the mosquitoes . I noticed only one goldfish left . We had four or five in the tank and I remember two dying last year . We buried those fish with the grapevines . I will take a few of the fish out of the back pasture tank and put them up front . I 'm watering the strawberries and grapes by hand still . I 'll hook them up to the drip system sometime but right now I take the water out of the stock tank to water them . I figure it 's got some nutrients in it from the fish . Before it gets too hot I 'll set up the drip for them . Now it 's off to inside chores . Somehow granddaughter 's socks all disappeared so we are holding a sock hunt . She gets a 15 minute head start to find them . Then grandson gets to look . Granddaughter has to pay him a nickle for every one of her socks that he finds . She owes me a chore for every one I find . She certainly doesn 't like either of those consequences . Perhaps someday she won 't be a slob . I hope it 's before she moves out . I didn 't get the opportunity to write yesterday because I had a very long work day . The day was great . I had to give a lecture and it went over very well . Sometimes I have a room full of people who would rather just sleep through my talk . Yesterday they not only stayed awake but they asked questions too . Wow , a successful day . The drive was about three hours each way , and this was the longest drive I 've done since my arm surgery . By the end of the day my arm was pretty sore , but today it felt fine . I had a chat with the IRS today . I know it 's just about crunch day for them but the person I spoke with this afternoon was so rude I wanted to reach through the phone and choke her . The conversation went like this : , " I sent in my return on Feb . 17 . Your website said it was received on Feb . 22 and my return should be direct deposited on April 5 . " I couldn 't e - file because I adopted the grandkids . Can 't e - file when you have an adoption credit . So I was waiting patiently for the return . April 5th came and went . So did the 6th . On April 7th I looked at the IRS website and it said that there was a delay and I should call the IRS . I 've never heard of anything like that but I did as directed . The polite person I spoke with that day informed me that all adoption credits automatically get kicked into the errors department . She then told me that they had 30 - 45 days to review a return when it was in the errors department . She also said to call back next week . That was today . I continued my conversation , " Since the lady I spoke with last week said to call back in a week , I 'm doing so . Is there anything I can help with or can you give me the status of my return . " Her response was , " you haven 't sent in your return because I can 't find it . " What ? How could that be since I know that it was received on the 22nd of February . " I 'm sorry , there is a problem and you have to send your return in again . " " What do you mean I have to send it in again , did you lose it ? " " No , it 's not lost , you didn 't send it to us " " Yes I did , otherwise your website wouldn 't have said that it was received on Feb . 22 and was supposed to be direct deposited on Apr . 5 and then I was supposed to call and now I 'm supposed to call back . " " Sorry , I don 't see your return , and the deadline is Monday so make sure you get it in . " I called the IRS back this evening . This time the person was much nicer and much more helpful . She said that she found my return and if I don 't hear anything by eight weeks plus one day ( that 's next Wednesday ) then I should call back . She kept asking if they 'd contacted me . I said I hadn 't heard anything . She said it looks like there are major issues . Shouldn 't be . I asked if it 's because the kids changed their names after the adoption but their social security number is still the same . That would mess everything up , I 'm sure . No , she couldnt ' tell me anything other than to call back next week . And no , I don 't have to send in another tax return . She told me I should have e - filed . But I can 't e - file . They don 't allow it if you have an adoption credit . I know there is nothing wrong with my tax return . Everything is the same ( well the numbers do change a little each year ) as the past several years . It 's not a simple return because of the rentals and now the adoption but it 's very straight forward . And I didn 't cheat or lie so that should make the thing smoother . I 'll call back next week . In the mean time , I 'll keep wishing the tax return would show up . And this year I 've changed the deductions so I 'm not giving the feds free money to use . I 'd rather owe money at the end of the year then go through this hassle of trying to get my money back . To get my mind off the IRS I decided that today would be a good day to move the sheep from the back to the front . I do this by driving the pickup and trailer into the back pasture and park it at the end of the animal pens . I then rig up the gate and trailer so the animals will go from the pen through a narrow pathway to the trailer . Or at least that 's the plan . I got them into the outside pen , which is about 10 x 50 . I had the gate open at the end so they could go into a nice grassy area prior to loading into the trailer . I herded the sheep to the gate . The ram blocked the opening so none of the sheep could go into the grassy area . They all kept staring at me . The ram is a big chicken . If the sheep are running away from something he is always first to escape but if they are backed into a corner he will push the others in front of him so he 's in the rear . So much for him protecting his ewes . He 's only out to protect himself . Anyway , it ended up getting dark and I could only get 10 of the 12 into the grassy area . I gave up and went back into the house . I 'll get them in the trailer tomorrow . They 'll get lured in with some cob . Then I will drive the truck to the front of the property and unload them in the front pasture . While you may think it would be easy to just herd them from the front to the back , after all it 's only about 300 feet away , these sheep wouldn 't go . They are so afraid of going somewhere new that they would make an end around and run back into their old pasture . They have to move by trailer . The front pasture is about 3 / 4 of an acre . The grass is thigh high . I 've got the trees well fenced so they won 't be able to eat them this year . I don 't know which is worse , herding sheep or IRS agents . Can 't wait until both are done . I was talking to my Oklahoma friend today and was told that their entire family had somehow contracted a case of head lice . It seems to be going around their school and their sixth grade daughter brought it home for the family . Head lice can be found on the human scalp : on the head , eyebrows , and eyelashes . They feed on human blood several times a day . Head lice move my crawling . They don 't hop or fly . They are often spread by contacting someone 's hat , coat , comb , brush , or towel that is used by someone affected by the insect . Head lice have three forms : the egg ( or nit ) , the nymph , and the adult . The CDC website has a good photo of the actual size of these three forms . The egg is laid on the hair shaft near the scalp . The nits hatch in about 8 days . It takes about a week and a half for the nymph to reach maturity . They can do so only on a diet of human blood . The adult must also feed on blood . They only live about a month as adults but lay about six eggs each day . If the lice falls off the persons head ( or is on a brush , pillow , etc . ) it will only live for about two days unless there is another head that it comes in contact with . Imagine you just went to the doctor 's office , or the bank , or a restaurant . You sit down on their nice comfortable chair and sink yourself in . Your head rests against the nice cushioned chair . Finally you get to relax a bit while you wait . But what if the person before you had head lice ? Or a person from the prior day ? What if the kids at school hang their coats up on hooks and they all get piled on top of each other ? It 's no big deal . Perhaps it will be just one little louse . But what if that one was a female , just reaching adulthood ? She could lay six eggs a day for a month . They won 't even start hatching and you 'd have no idea you were infected with them until you had 75 or 80 on you . Even then , you may itch for a second or two but you 'll just sluff it off . In her month long life of laying eggs she will lay around 180 eggs . If all 180 hatch and half are female , then in a couple of weeks 90 more lice will start laying eggs . In one month , and before you really realize what 's happening you can have over 16 , 000 lice sucking the blood from your scalp ! If you don 't get them taken care of in another month you will have almost three million disgusting creatures on you . Now , I 've never heard of anyone having three million lice . You 'd probably die of anemia by then ! How do you make sure you get rid of them in your house ? You don 't need to fumigate the house . The lice aren 't going to live more than a couple days without sucking blood so if you just stay off the fabric sofa and chair , change and wash the sheets on your bed each day for a few days , wash all clothes that you 've been wearing for the last couple days and vacuum your house you should be good . Have the wash water greater than 130 degrees . The lice don 't just walk around , they usually cling to hair that fell off your head and they just had the misfortune to be clinging to that particular piece . Although lice and nits don 't like cold temperatures , you 'd have to have something in the freezer for a couple of days for it to kill them . TPermethrin . ( Nix ) This is a synthetic pyrethroid . This too doesn 't kill the eggs so a second treatment is necessary . This one is not approved for kids under two . Malathion lotion . ( Ovide ) Same malathion used to kill mosquitos and bugs in the yard . You need a doctor 's prescription for this one . It kills the live lice and some eggs so a second treatment will probably be necessary . Benzyl alcohol lotion . ( Ulesfia ) It only kills live lice so a second treatment is necessary . It 's approved for children over six months . This needs a prescription . Lindane shampoo . This needs a prescription but it 's not recommended since it can be toxic to the brain and other parts of the nervous system . Lice Shield Shampoo and Leave In Spray . Lice Shield is formulated with a blend of citronella , eucalyptus and rosemary essential oils . Found at Walmart , Walgreens , etc . Oil or Mayonnaise . Rub this into your hair . After it 's been on your hair for two hours wash it out . Iron . Use a flat iron daily . Spend hours combing the nits out of each strand of hair . Use little metal lice combs . Get several ! Figure out how you are going to control this creature and prepare . My friend had to drive 45 miles from home to find a store that carried Rid or Nix because of the local outbreak . You 've heard of Latitude and Longitude . You may have even heard of Universal Transverse Mercator UTM ) but do you know what that means or how do you use it ? It 's actually a much easier system to use than lat / long because it doesn 't deal with curvature . The following is originally from a Powerpoint presentation that I converted to fit the blog . After looking through it , and perhaps following along on your own USGS 7 . 5 min . quad map , you will see how simple a locational system it really is . Posted by I 'm really surprised by the news that people aren 't cutting back on their driving even with gas prices around here above $ 4 . 00 a gallon . They say it 's because of the good economy . I say they are wrong . It 's because most people received a tax refund and are flush with money at the moment . When the money runs out they will slow down on the driving . My son and his family worked very little last year . They earned under $ 10 , 000 but with their welfare , food stamps , discounted rent , free medical , their actual income was over $ 30 , 000 . Not a lot but they still have a computer and a 52 inch tv . They had about $ 200 taken out of their paycheck for federal taxes but got a return of about $ 7000 ! More free money from the government . They went on a spending spree . They bought a used car , furniture , clothes , toys ( including a $ 300 electric riding toy for the kids ) , and a bunch more stuff . They go out to eat and have lots of money to spend on gas . I figure that their extra money will run out in another few weeks . I didn 't even try to convince them to save any of the money . That would have been a waste of my breath . I did try to convince them to spend it on things that mattered . Things that will last . The $ 30 dollar dressers they got for their kids are already broken . The gas prices will slow them down soon . Army daughter and son - in - law want to buy a house . They don 't have to save up much since they are both veterans and will qualify for VA loans which take little or no down . They are trying to figure out how to save money . They sat down and figured out what they spend money on . They 've never had a written plan since they 've always had a little extra at the end of each month to put into the savings . When they told me how much they take home I made a comment that I take home about the same amount . Then I said I take home more because I have some automatically put into an account to pay the taxes and insurance and more gets put into a 401k , but the actual amount that flows through my hands each month is the same as what they have . The difference is that I pay more than twice the amount each month for the mortgage than they plan on paying for the mortgage , taxes , and insurance on their new place . Well then , they should be able to put away a lot of money in the next couple of months since they are living with me rent free . Army daughter was trying to figure out how to spend less on food . She 's been buying most of the food for the entire household , not paper products , cleaning supplies , and other things , just food . She volunteers to do this because they live rent free . She said that her food budget is about two hundred dollars per week . Huh ? I spend that per month . I don 't understand how she can spend that much . That 's almost thirty dollars a day . Then I got to thinking . They buy a chunk of meat that costs between $ 10 and $ 15 ( what doesn 't get eaten goes to the chickens ) , Starbucks drinks at $ 2 each , and little packages of stuff that cost 10 times as much than if you 'd buy it in bulk . I buy a gallon of mustard for $ 4 and she buys a little bottle of designer mustard for $ 6 . Our chickens are eating well because they throw away a lot of stuff . I suggested $ 25 a month for clothes for the baby . She budgeted $ 50 . Why I asked ? Baby clothes are expensive . Not really . The baby is in 6 month size which will last for three months . I could go to Target and buy a weeks worth of clothes for $ 50 . At $ 25 a month it would take two months worth of money for stuff that would last three months . I know that I can get used , borrowed , or cheaper stuff , but they wouldn 't do that at all . I just think differently . If I budgeted $ 75 for three months and spent $ 50 then I 'd be able to buy more supplies , fruit trees , six chickens , etc . Spend it on something tangible for the future . Army daughter 's budget included three round trips to town each day . Although only her husband works she has to go in to town for appointments , shopping , college one night a week , etc . I was trying to convince her to drive less . After all , it takes about two gallons of fuel for each round trip . At four bucks a gallon they are averaging $ 24 dollar a day in gas , seven days a week ! If I have to fill up my truck more than once a month it better be because we are going out of town because this gives me three trips into town on a tank of gas . I have to drive to town to go to workWhat if It is today , I asked her ? Would she go into psychological withdrawals if she couldn 't go into town and shop ? Can she differentiate wants from needs ? I challenged Army daughter this evening . No going into a store more than twice a week . I 'm not even telling her that she has to have a list to shop from . Just stay out of the stores . Don 't make the trip in to town . Right now they are spending over $ 700 a month on gas . Cut back on driving . For her , that means money saved for a house . For me , that means more money for preps . Posted by I found a good deal on a portable solar charger . It 's the Power Pocket 12W Solar Charger . RealGoods has it on sale for $ 179 . http : / / www . realgoods . com / product / 41 - 0217 . do ? ihtc = e _ dotw _ pp _ 408 This website doesn 't tell you a lot about it but I googled the product and found it on a couple of other websites . It says it will charge most small items in a couple of hours . You can also use it to trickle charge a 12V battery . They list it at $ 299 but I saw it on other websites for $ 259 . $ 179 is a good price and RealGoods is a good company . Posted by Yesterday afternoon 9 year old granddaughter helped with some of the outdoor chores . She pounded two t - posts in with a post pounder . She planted two grapevines and 36 strawberry plants . When she planted the strawberries she stepped on one of the grape plants and broke the vine off down to the ground . I expect that it will still grow . I also took the part that she broke off and stuck the end in water and then in a rooting agent . I planted it in a 4 inch pot so maybe we 'll get another grapevine out of it . I know that you can take a grapevine and push a stem down to the ground , secure it , cover it with some soil , and in a year it should have rooted from that spot . You can then cut it off and plant your new grapevine . At some point I 'll do this to expand our " vineyard " of six grapevines . We have two Thompson seedless , which are the regular green grapes and are also used for raisins , two Red Flames , and now two Concords ( plus hopefully the additional one will root ) . I want to plant about 8 more in this one area and am hoping to get some good end of bareroot season deals . Perhaps I 'll end up planting more grapes somewhere else on the property if I can get a hold of a lot of plants . I never bothered growing grapes before because there was a huge vineyard right behind us with about 50 acres planted in grapes . The landowner had said we could pick what we wanted so for over 10 years we did . We harvested enough to make juice , raisins , and to eat fresh . Unfortunately , last year they killed off the entire vineyard . Our next door neighbor has over 100 vines . He said we could pick some last year , which did provide us with some grapes but their grapes were so small that it was a hassle to even eat them . We need our own . I checked on the lambs and they are all doing fine today . They seem to have forgotten the banding from yesterday . We have two duck nests in the barn this year . One nest is in the same spot as last years nest . The other is behind the hay bales . I think the same duck laid both nests . Just today I saw her sitting onWhat if it 's today ? - A survivalist 's blog With over 19 years working on our preps and after having a created a fully prepared 5 acres in the Great Central Valley of California , we up and moved to a very small town in Colorado . We are now on 35 acres with no fruit trees , no garden , a home that isn 't finished , and no job . Sounds like paradise , or at least it will be . Lots of work to do . How much time do I have before there 's no time left ? We still have food storage and lots of provisions , but are not in any way self sufficient . . . yet . Follow us on our new adventure . Perhaps you 'll learn something from us and from your comments we can learn something from you . |
Yesterday , I decided it would be a good idea to make sure that Lana knew how to dial 911 if need be . Sonya has known how to do this for years and because she knows , I figured we were good . Then I realized , she 's not always around since she 's in school all day . It might only be Lana or Georgia if I misstep down the attic stairs while getting out Halloween or Christmas decorations . What if I lay unconscious at the bottom of the ladder and the girls have no idea what to do ! These are the crazy , anxiety ridden thoughts that cross my mind on a daily basis . I 'm fairly certain I come by this naturally . Thanks mom ! So to calm my fears , I figured they should know what to do in case of an emergency . I decided to start with Lana . Partially because she 's older and partially because Georgia still gets our address number and phone number mixed up . No need to throw another number at her just yet . I explained that I was going to show her how to dial 911 on the phone . I emphasized that this is ONLY for an emergency . You know like if mommy was laying with blood pouring out of her head . Okay I didn 't say that , but I said if something happened to me and I couldn 't move or talk . I showed her how to turn the phone on , listen for the dial tone and then dial . Then I told her someone would come on the phone and talk to her , and she should tell them what the emergency was . She seemed to understand , and I had her show me which numbers she should push and how to turn it on by pressing the " talk " button . Suddenly she got a concerned look on her face and said , Okay , so that 's one lesson that she got through her head ! My scare tactics ARE working ! " That 's true , " I said , " But this is a stranger YOU are calling and it 's to get help . You can only talk to the people on 911 , and then they send someone to help . . . " " Like the firemen or the policemen ! " She said interrupting me . I have no idea how she figured out that they would be the ones to show up . " Yes ! Exactly and they are good strangers too because they are there to help . " " Well , " I said , trying desperately not to laugh . " The police can put people in jail , but they can help people too just like a fireman , so you don 't need to be worried about them . Okay ? " " Okay ! " she said . Then she ran off to play babies with her sister , with another piece of knowledge embedded in her brain . Hmmm . . . should I be concerned that she already thinks that all the police do is put people in jail ? Over the weekend I went down to Carlsbad to spend some quality girl / no kids time with BethAnnDoddKoehn . We got our nails done , lounged around our hotel room and went to a fancy dinner . Later that night we met up with some old friends from high school for drinks . It was a fun night and I was glad to have the chance to get away and not play mommy for a few hours . Something that is needed for every mom . Thank goodness I have a great husband who has no problem with me going or taking care of the girls on his own . Thanks babe ! The night before I left I told the girls I would be going away the next night , just so they would get used to the idea . Georgia started whining and crying about how she didn 't want me to go . Please stay here , I don 't want you to go , why do you have to go ? These were the questions and requests I got from her . Lately , every time I go out somewhere , even if it 's to the grocery store alone , Georgia becomes whiny and clingy about me leaving . I suppose it 's just another bout of separation anxiety they go through at this age . Eventually , I talked her down and by the time I left the next morning she seemed to be at peace with my absence for the day . Lana , however , cried . Usually she doesn 't care , but for some reason on Saturday she did . After I was gone and fun Daddy took over , nobody really cared though . When I came back yesterday afternoon , everyone was happy to see me and told me all about their day . Then , for the next two hours , Sonya and Lana proceeded to lose their minds and have complete breakdowns about various things . Of course , they had been angels while I was away , but whatever they were holding in , they decided to let out with me around . Thanks ladies ! Georgia didn 't have a meltdown , but did get in trouble for lying to me . Something she 's been doing a lot of lately . It seemed that perhaps coming home yesterday wasn 't working for anyone . I wasn 't the only one who felt that way . Last night at dinner , Georgia decided then was the best time to be honest . Every night we do something with the kids to find out more about their day . It actually something I stole from my favorite blogger Heather Hamilton at dooce . com . I figure I should give her the credit . Its great though , because the girls love doing it and we all find out something about every one 's day . We all go around the table and say what our most favorite , least favorite and most thankful parts of our day were . Then a few weeks ago Andy added what you might be sorry for that day as well . I like that one , because it gives everyone a chance to clear the air of any wrongdoings of the day . We got to Georgia and she told us her favorite part of the day was going to breakfast that morning and her least favorite part was " Mommy coming home . " I supposed everyone acting crazy upon my arrival made her rethink me being around . Fine . Beth , I 'm coming back and staying for a week . You in ? Posted by For about ten years now , we 've been trying to teach the girls to swim . Okay , I guess that 's not right since Sonya is only seven . It just feels that way . In reality , this is the third summer in a row the girls have taken swimming lessons . You might remember the stories from the past summers . and finally , FINALLY , about a month ago Sonya really started swimming : ( Did you like the way Lana had to get herself in that video ? Now , I was claiming victory . At least one of them was somewhat comfortable in the water ! At least one of them will put her head under without going into hysterics ! I just figured we 'd worry about the other two next summer . Then Lana ( yes , Lana ! The same one who did this one summer . ) surprised the hell out of us and a couple weeks ago started doing this out of nowhere : So now we have TWO of them at least willing to try and move in the water ! Georgia is still very hesitant , but fortunately we live in Southern , CA where is will be summer until at least November . This is my friend Stacy 's pool , and I plan on living there until I have all three of them swimming like Michael Phelps . Or at least like Michael Phelps when he was three . Posted by Most of the time my sister was here we did our best to make meals at home . Let me tell you how crazy it is to prepare food for six kids . I have no idea how John and Kate do it for eight , let alone the insane Duggars with their 19 or 20 or whatever it is they have now . We did go out for a couple of meals , but we tried our best to save money , and our waistlines , by making sandwiches for lunch and putting together a healthy meal at dinner . The good thing is that with the two of us together doing it , it did go a big quicker . Perhaps those Mormons who have sister wives are on to something . The last night they were here , we decided to make baked fish for dinner . My nephew Zach , will eat everything , much like Sonya . I never have to argue or cajole her to eat something like I do with Lana . Gracie , however is Beth 's Lana . She will look at something and if it looks like she might not like it , she will turn her nose up at it . So it was no surprise that halfway through the meal , Sonya and Zach were done and Gracie along with my two youngest were pushing food around their plates . They were also very hyped up and giggly for some reason and in not much of an eating mood . I had made rolls to go with our meal , but I never give my girls their roll until they 've eaten a good portion of their dinner , otherwise that is all they will eat . As it happened , I also had cake that I had bought from an awesome bakery here called Porto 's , earlier in the day . So the negotiations started . The girls wanted a roll and cake , but they knew they weren 't getting anything until they ate their meal . Since Sonya and Zach had eaten their meals with no fight , we gave them a roll and then they sat patiently waiting for the picky girls to finish so they could have dessert . Eventually , I had to set the timer for them , because they were just not eating . I knew once dessert came out they would all of a sudden become hungry . We do NOT have dessert for dinner in my house . They don 't have to eat everything on their plate , but at least a good portion and all of their vegetables in order to get dessert . After the ten minutes was up , all three had eaten enough to win them a piece of cake . I know , I know , don 't reward eating with dessert , but again , they had to eat their dinner to get it at all . Plus we don 't have dessert every night , so using it every once in a while isn 't that bad . I got up to get everyone a piece of cake and Georgia said to me , " No , you do not get both because you guys didn 't do a good job eating on your own . You have to pick one , " I told her . This is the rule in our house . If we are having rolls and dessert and I have to set the timer for them to eat , even if they do end up eating everything they can 't have both things . " Okay , " she said . " I 'll have cake den and no woll ! " " I figured , " I said . About thirty seconds later I noticed Zach sitting in his chair with tears streaming down his face . " Zach ? What 's wrong , buddy ? " I asked . Was he sad to go home the next day ? Did someone hurt him ? I had no idea . He was sitting there at the table just crying . My sister walked over and tried to coax it out of him . " Zach , buddy , we can 't help you if you don 't tell us what 's wrong , " she tried . He sat there sobbing , still not talking . " Zach , " she said . " You need to talk and tell me please . " Apparently , he does this all the time . He will get upset about something and just not tell her what it is . I found out later , Beth knew exactly what he was going to say , but wanted him to get it out on his own . Finally , between sobs he choked out , " I already had a ROOOOLLLLLL ! ! ! ! " Then he cried harder . What ? At first I couldn 't figure out what he was talking about then it hit me . Oh ! My rule to the girls of not getting both roll and dessert . He thought he wasn 't getting cake because he had already eaten a roll . " Oh no , no Zach ! " I said . " That wasn 't a rule for you and Sonya , because you guys ate your dinner without any problems . The little girls didn 't so they have to chose which they want . Don 't worry buddy , you still get a piece of cake . " I assured him . He immediately stopped crying , wiped his tears , sniffed and said , " Oh , can I have a piece of chocolate then ! " And that was it , back to being happy . It was the shortest emotional outburst I 've ever seen . Something very different from what I experience with my emotional roller coaster queens on a daily basis . Poor thing thought he lost his chocolate cake because of eating a roll . I have to say , I can 't blame him . If I thought I had given up cake for a roll , I would have been crying too . Posted by One of the nice things about having the " special passes " at Disneyland was that we all got to ride something if we wanted to , even if the little kids weren 't tall enough for some of them . Half of us would go , while the other half would stay with the littles and then we 'd switch . Since we were always going in the fast pass lines , we were able to get through fairly quickly . Even though Gracie is almost a whole year younger than Lana , she was about an inch taller and able to get on a few things like Star Tours and Big Thunder Mountain . Poor Lana . She 's such a peanut , and will probably be 13 before she can ride Space Mountain . She didn 't really seem to care though , at least this time . Perhaps her next breakdown at Disneyland will be about that . We all headed to Big Thunder Mountain and I took my two girls and Ben , who is only 2 , and everyone else went to ride the coaster . If it didn 't take to long I would switch with them after they rode . I think it took all of ten minutes from the time they entered the line . When they came out my sister and her husband stayed with the kids who couldn 't ride and the rest of us went . Gracie decided she wanted to ride with me . I think Gracie had a great time at our house because we have nothing but girl stuff all the time around here . Grace is in the middle of her family and the only girl . So she gets to always be the girly girl and doesn 't have to fight over the pink bowl in her house , but she also doesn 't have the amount of girly toys we do . Still she gets to be the only princess in her house where my girls have to share that spotlight . Not that my sister and her husband treat her like she 's a princess . She just takes on that role herself as most little girls do . Fortunately for her , she was tall enough for most of the rides , but just barely , so they kept measuring her when we got to the front of lines . It was no different with this one . We got up to the front and the " cast member " working the ride said to Grace , Yesterday was the first day of school for the girls . Third grade for Sonya and Kindergarten for Lana ( cue the crying for me ) . Actually , I was OK for the most part . I only got teary for a minute or so . I just can 't believe they are already this big and I only have Georgia left at home . It seems like only yesterday , Lana was a little baby and I was crying over a positive pregnancy test . Then sometimes it feels like 100 years ago . Either way , having big kids make me really sad some days because I miss the toddler years . Then again , I got to go to the gym by myself this morning , so you know , it 's not ALL bad . Posted by As I mentioned in my last post , I disappeared for a while because my sister was visiting with her family . She also has three kids , which means there were six kids and four adults in my house for a week . That 's ten people , for those mathematically challenged . SIX of them were kids . Did I mention my house is only 1600 square feet ? Yeah it got a bit squishy at times , but it really wasn 't that bad . For the most part were weren 't home except to sleep . And to drink LOTS of wine . Hence the reason my posts have been lacking . There were trips to , the beach , Disneyland , The Aquarium of the Pacific , The Getty Museum , and Grandpa 's house to go swimming . It was bit busy . One of my favorite , yet most exhausting days was most definitely Disneyland . I mean who doesn 't love Disneyland ? After all it IS the happiest place on earth . Someone just forgot to tell Lana that . Yes , this is yet another one of those posts where I wonder what to do with that kid . Don 't roll your eyes , YOU don 't live with her . Her emotions are always so hot and cold . It 's been like that since she was a baby . We used to joke and call her bi - polar baby . I know , we are such awesome parents . Anyway , she woke up that morning a ray of sunshine . In fact she was the only one of all the kids who got up , got dressed , had breakfast and was ready before every one else , with a smile on her face the whole time . We were looking at a good day if SHE could be like that . Then I made the mistake of allowing Georgia to have her blankie in the car on the way to Disney . How dare I ! Quick explanation : The girls all have blankies they sleep with only at night . I always pack their PJs and blankies when we go to Disney so when they fall asleep on the way home it 's an easy transition to bed . Georgia was up at 4 : 30 that morning . Yes , 4 : 30 AM . I REALLY wanted her to take a nap on the way to Disneyland , so she didn 't break down later on in the day . That 's where the problem came in . . . Lana was a bit jealous that GG had her blankie and she didn 't , and she decided to let us know , for the first 25 minutes of the car ride . She cried and whined about not having her blankie . Not that I usually EVER let them have it during the day , but I guess because her sister had hers , she felt it would only be fair . In retrospect , and knowing how that incident would set the tone for the rest of the day , I should have given her that damn blankie . But no , I was sticking to my rule dammit ! She finally gave up the fight after half an hour and SHE fell asleep for the rest of the trip . Georgia - not one wink . This was going to be a fun day . We got to the parking garage , which is about a half mile from the actual Magic Kingdom entrance . Now keep in mind we were at Disneyland . . . on a Saturday . . . during the summer . Crowded ? No , no , it was only sardines in a can feeling for part of the day . When we saw how long the tram lines were we decided to walk . We were going to be walking all day so what difference would another half a mile make ? Apparently , it would make a big difference to Lana , who didn 't want to walk even if it meant Disneyland was at the end of that walk . Oh wait . IT WAS ! ! That child did not care . All she cared about was the fact that there walking and she had to walk and the walking was to much and it was hurty for her legs with all the walking . I 'm not sure how we ever made it to the entrance . All I remember is arguing with that child for half a mile about how it wasn 't that far , and she would be fine when we got in there , and no I wasn 't going to carry her . More whining ensued . When we finally made it to the park I thought we were going to be okay . I figured we had sidestepped a Lana bomb . Unfortunately , that was not the case . She was just ticking waiting for the right time to go off . She was good for a while . We got into Disney - all for free I might add . I have friends in high places . ( Melinda you are the bestest , most awesomest , friend ever ! I love all my friends , but the rest of you don 't get me in to Disney for free , so you know . . . ) There were also the special passes to get on all the rides in the fast pass line . I 'd love to tell you how we did that , buuuuttt . . . well then I 'd have to kill you and I like having my readers alive . Let 's just say it 's a good thing my nephew and niece were with us . We wouldn 't have been able to ride half of what we did if not for those passes . And Lana is NOT good with standing in lines for more than oh , five minutes or so . This helped everyone out . We ended up in Toon Town a couple hours into our day . For those of you who have never been , it 's an area for the little kids . You can see Mickey and Minnie over there and go into Goofy 's house . We planned on going to visit Minnie , but the line was way to long and we weren 't about to get to the front of that one . Lana protested a bit , but when we pointed out how long the line was she seemed to understand that it was better not to wait in it . She didn 't really cry , but I could tell she wasn 't exactly ok with missing Minnie . Still the majority of us not wanting to wait in line won . Then came the carousel incident . Oh boy . After lunch we headed to the carousel . A ride that all of the ages could enjoy . We got in our " special " line and were allowed on first . While we were waiting to go in , Lana eyed a pink and purple horse with bells on it . She told me how that was the horse she wanted . I had Georgia when we walked on and Andy had Lana . I got GG and Sonya all settled and then heard a sobbing from behind me . I turned to see Lana looking demonically possessed and completely losing her shit atop a horse that was NOT the one she pointed out . Andy stood next to her shaking his head . I walked back to them . " What happened ? " I asked . " Gracie took MY horse ! ! " Lana told me in between sobs . I turned to the horse in front of her to see Gracie was indeed on the horse Lana wanted . I wasn 't sure what had happened , but I just needed to calm her down . I told Andy to go with the other two girls , then went into operation " chill Lana out " . Something I 've done more than once or twice . Unfortunately , I was to late . She had already been taken over by the wild eyed , crazy , hysterical , demon five year old she sometimes turns into when she 's at the end of her rope . There were no deep breaths or counting to ten that were going to fix this in the next five minutes . I decided to take her off the ride , but the bell rang indicating that it was starting and off we went . Lana was screaming , crying and trying to jump , yes jump off the horse she was on as it was going up and down , round and round , and yelling " I want THAT horse ! ! " I stood there doing my best to make sure she didn 't jump off to her death , or at least a broken bone , and trying to ignore every stare that was coming in our direction . With every second I became increasingly more frustrated and angry with her behavior . It was the longest ride ever . The moment the ride stopped , I grabbed her off the horse , kicking and screaming , walked over to where our stroller was parked and grabbed my wallet and phone . When the others came over , I told them to go ride whatever , I was taking Lana for a timeout and I 'd find them in a bit . Then I carried a hysterical Lana in the direction of Cinderella 's castle not sure where I was going . I didn 't want to go all the way back to the car , but I needed to find a place to have her let this out then calm her down . On the side of the castle is a little walkway to Frontier land and there was a little corner with a door that was the back of one of the shops . Perfect . It was away from most people and in a corner . I sat her down and there she screamed and yelled for at least another fifteen minutes . Finally , she calmed down to just crying , and not letting me comfort her , to reluctantly " Are you ok ? " Then she saw Lana and said , " oh . " I said , " We just needed a little time out . We 're fine . " She nodded her head like this wasn 't the first time she 'd seen someone back there and went back inside . I did find out later that particular spot is also a timeout spot for my friend BethAnnDoddKoehn 's kids as well . It 's a good one if you 're ever there and need one ! When I finally had calmed her down enough to talk to me , I tried to find out exactly what it was that made her flip . I figured it wasn 't just because of the horse , because of how crazy she behaved . I asked - Was it the horse ? No - she said , not having blankie in the car ? nuh - uh . Because you don 't want to walk ? Nooooo ! " Is it nothing ? Are you sad just because ? " I asked , because that has happened before where she cries and she doesn 't know why . The sobbing started again , and my heart melted in a puddle for her . Aw man , that kid LOVES her some Minnie and in that instant I felt terrible . I know , I know , talk about first world problems , right ? I reminded her again that the line for Minnie was long and she wouldn 't have wanted to wait in the hot sun , because believe me she wouldn 't have . Before the rest of you start to feel badly for her , I will inform you that this is about her sixth trip to Disneyland in her five years and she 's seen Minnie every single time . So don 't be to sympathetic . Not to mention we will be back for our yearly trip in November , so she will have a chance to see her again soon . Besides , I think Minnie might have been the most disappointing part for her , but I believe it was a build up of all those things that threw her into tantrum land . Not quite as fun as Fantasyland I can assure you . After about a half hour , she was feeling better and ready to have some fun . She accepted that we weren 't seeing Minnie that day and that she couldn 't always get the horse she wanted on the carousel . I later found out that she and Gracie had gone for the horse at the same time , each one on either side and Grace got to the top a split second before Lana . I don 't think Grace or my sister realized Lana had even been eyeing that particular horse . She took a few minutes once we found everyone , to get completely out of sad mode , but one ride on the Teacups , with me watching on the sidelines , completely cured her . ( I don 't do the teacups . Nobody wants to see my lunch again . ) The rest of the day went on without incident from her . In fact she was very pleasant . Whatever she needed to get out of her system she did next to Cinderella 's castle . Later on that evening we were in line to ride Peter Pan , which is next to the carousel . She looked at me and asked if we could ride it again . " You want to redeem yourself from earlier and get the horse you want this time ? " I asked . She nodded . So we all went on . My sister made it a point to tell Grace that Lana was getting that pink and purple horse this time . It stopped right in front of us again as it had before . When they let us on , Lana ran to it and started to climb up . On the other side , GG was trying to get up on the same DAMN HORSE ! " No , Georgia , " I said picking her up . " It 's Lana 's turn for that horse this time . " Then , and I am so not kidding when I tell you this , Georgia started to cry . SERIOUSLY ? ! ! Fortunately , Georgia is a much different , much more easy going kid . " Look G ! Here 's an orange one , your favorite color ! " I told her . " But I wanted the one with jewels ! " she cried . " This one has jewels ! " I said pointing to a fake inlaid sapphire in the saddle . " Oh , " she said , and the crying stopped immediately as I helped her on the horse . I was NOT about to go through that scene again . If you ever go to Disneyland don 't expect your kids to be extremely well behaved or super grateful just because they are at Disneyland . I think as parents we think they should behave like that . " They 're at Disneyland ! They should just be happy about that ! ! " However , if they 're having a bad day , they don 't care where the hell they have their temper tantrums . After all they don 't get how much time , energy and money you 've put into a day like that . They 're just kids and all they know is they didn 't get the purple and pink horse or their picture with Minnie Mouse . All you can do is explain they don 't always get what they want , even at The Happiest Place on Earth . Oh hi ! No , I didn 't fall off the face of the earth , or the face of the Internet . I 'm still here ! I just feel way out of schedule , because my sister , Beth , and her family came to visit for a week . We had a fantastic time and yes I have stories , but I will have to get to those when I have more time . For now I just wanted to give you quick post so you know I 'm still here . Hi ! Still here ! Just real quickly , here 's what Andy and I did the weekend before my sister came : That 's right , we got the girls bunk beds and put them together ourselves . Crazy , I know , but we are pretty kick ass in this house . The good news is we are still married after putting those things together ! It was touch and go there for a while . Especially when we had to put the top bunk together . We had to try to hold on the guard rails with the bed rails at the same time while screwing it all together , without letting the other side fall out . That was a bit tricky and there may have been a few mad rants , and some name calling , but we came out on the other side with the bed and our marriage still together . Just to show you how much work it was , here is what they looked like when they came to us . Bed rails Well . . . Anyway the girls were extremely excited for their new beds . It even came with a trundle bed for Sonya to sleep in for when get company , so she got to try it out right away . I have to say the quality of the beds is great . They are solid wood , and very sturdy . The price was even better , less than $ 700 . They came with stairs instead of a ladder , which I felt was a bit more safe , plus - PLUS those drawers . . . they are STORAGE ! ! STORAGE I tell you ! Who doesn 't need more storage ? ? Especially when you live in a 1600 square foot house . Lana liked helping with this part . So okay , I might like them more than the girls do . They even have a great new furniture smell . If you are looking for bunk beds , we got them on line at a place called bunkbedking . com No , I did not get paid to advertise for them . I wish . I just think they have a really great product at a fantastic price . They didn 't charge shipping either . Then as Andy and I got toward the end of putting the beds together , we noticed we were missing hardware pieces . Nothing that would hurt the beds from being used . They were for the railing for the stairs . To be honest , I don 't know if they shorted us or we misplaced them . I 'm willing to bet it was the latter . So I emailed the company and told them which parts we needed and within two days I received a package with the parts , plus extra . The top pain in the ass bunk . All of us are happy with this purchase , even though it did mean taking out the toddler beds and admitting completely that I have big kids now . That part was a bit hard for both Andy and me . My babies are all in big girl beds , making them big girls and not babies . Sucks . Then sometimes it doesn 't . Like when I remember that I don 't change diapers , and they can all tell me what they are crying about . Still , it 's hard to face how fast they are growing up . The only thing that helps is how very little and cute they look in those huge twin beds . I know though that in a few years they will fill those up too . Well , Georgia will at least . Posted by I 'm a 40 year old stay at home mom of 3 girls . I love being with them , but some days they drive me to drink , literally . My husband , Andy , is a fantastic daddy and a great husband . He makes me laugh every day . Even though this is not where I thought I 'd end up , it 's starting to feel more like it 's where I am supposed to be . Starting this blog has helped me with that . |
Yesterday , I decided it would be a good idea to make sure that Lana knew how to dial 911 if need be . Sonya has known how to do this for years and because she knows , I figured we were good . Then I realized , she 's not always around since she 's in school all day . It might only be Lana or Georgia if I misstep down the attic stairs while getting out Halloween or Christmas decorations . What if I lay unconscious at the bottom of the ladder and the girls have no idea what to do ! These are the crazy , anxiety ridden thoughts that cross my mind on a daily basis . I 'm fairly certain I come by this naturally . Thanks mom ! So to calm my fears , I figured they should know what to do in case of an emergency . I decided to start with Lana . Partially because she 's older and partially because Georgia still gets our address number and phone number mixed up . No need to throw another number at her just yet . I explained that I was going to show her how to dial 911 on the phone . I emphasized that this is ONLY for an emergency . You know like if mommy was laying with blood pouring out of her head . Okay I didn 't say that , but I said if something happened to me and I couldn 't move or talk . I showed her how to turn the phone on , listen for the dial tone and then dial . Then I told her someone would come on the phone and talk to her , and she should tell them what the emergency was . She seemed to understand , and I had her show me which numbers she should push and how to turn it on by pressing the " talk " button . Suddenly she got a concerned look on her face and said , Okay , so that 's one lesson that she got through her head ! My scare tactics ARE working ! " That 's true , " I said , " But this is a stranger YOU are calling and it 's to get help . You can only talk to the people on 911 , and then they send someone to help . . . " " Like the firemen or the policemen ! " She said interrupting me . I have no idea how she figured out that they would be the ones to show up . " Yes ! Exactly and they are good strangers too because they are there to help . " " Well , " I said , trying desperately not to laugh . " The police can put people in jail , but they can help people too just like a fireman , so you don 't need to be worried about them . Okay ? " " Okay ! " she said . Then she ran off to play babies with her sister , with another piece of knowledge embedded in her brain . Hmmm . . . should I be concerned that she already thinks that all the police do is put people in jail ? Over the weekend I went down to Carlsbad to spend some quality girl / no kids time with BethAnnDoddKoehn . We got our nails done , lounged around our hotel room and went to a fancy dinner . Later that night we met up with some old friends from high school for drinks . It was a fun night and I was glad to have the chance to get away and not play mommy for a few hours . Something that is needed for every mom . Thank goodness I have a great husband who has no problem with me going or taking care of the girls on his own . Thanks babe ! The night before I left I told the girls I would be going away the next night , just so they would get used to the idea . Georgia started whining and crying about how she didn 't want me to go . Please stay here , I don 't want you to go , why do you have to go ? These were the questions and requests I got from her . Lately , every time I go out somewhere , even if it 's to the grocery store alone , Georgia becomes whiny and clingy about me leaving . I suppose it 's just another bout of separation anxiety they go through at this age . Eventually , I talked her down and by the time I left the next morning she seemed to be at peace with my absence for the day . Lana , however , cried . Usually she doesn 't care , but for some reason on Saturday she did . After I was gone and fun Daddy took over , nobody really cared though . When I came back yesterday afternoon , everyone was happy to see me and told me all about their day . Then , for the next two hours , Sonya and Lana proceeded to lose their minds and have complete breakdowns about various things . Of course , they had been angels while I was away , but whatever they were holding in , they decided to let out with me around . Thanks ladies ! Georgia didn 't have a meltdown , but did get in trouble for lying to me . Something she 's been doing a lot of lately . It seemed that perhaps coming home yesterday wasn 't working for anyone . I wasn 't the only one who felt that way . Last night at dinner , Georgia decided then was the best time to be honest . Every night we do something with the kids to find out more about their day . It actually something I stole from my favorite blogger Heather Hamilton at dooce . com . I figure I should give her the credit . Its great though , because the girls love doing it and we all find out something about every one 's day . We all go around the table and say what our most favorite , least favorite and most thankful parts of our day were . Then a few weeks ago Andy added what you might be sorry for that day as well . I like that one , because it gives everyone a chance to clear the air of any wrongdoings of the day . We got to Georgia and she told us her favorite part of the day was going to breakfast that morning and her least favorite part was " Mommy coming home . " I supposed everyone acting crazy upon my arrival made her rethink me being around . Fine . Beth , I 'm coming back and staying for a week . You in ? Posted by For about ten years now , we 've been trying to teach the girls to swim . Okay , I guess that 's not right since Sonya is only seven . It just feels that way . In reality , this is the third summer in a row the girls have taken swimming lessons . You might remember the stories from the past summers . and finally , FINALLY , about a month ago Sonya really started swimming : ( Did you like the way Lana had to get herself in that video ? Now , I was claiming victory . At least one of them was somewhat comfortable in the water ! At least one of them will put her head under without going into hysterics ! I just figured we 'd worry about the other two next summer . Then Lana ( yes , Lana ! The same one who did this one summer . ) surprised the hell out of us and a couple weeks ago started doing this out of nowhere : So now we have TWO of them at least willing to try and move in the water ! Georgia is still very hesitant , but fortunately we live in Southern , CA where is will be summer until at least November . This is my friend Stacy 's pool , and I plan on living there until I have all three of them swimming like Michael Phelps . Or at least like Michael Phelps when he was three . Posted by Most of the time my sister was here we did our best to make meals at home . Let me tell you how crazy it is to prepare food for six kids . I have no idea how John and Kate do it for eight , let alone the insane Duggars with their 19 or 20 or whatever it is they have now . We did go out for a couple of meals , but we tried our best to save money , and our waistlines , by making sandwiches for lunch and putting together a healthy meal at dinner . The good thing is that with the two of us together doing it , it did go a big quicker . Perhaps those Mormons who have sister wives are on to something . The last night they were here , we decided to make baked fish for dinner . My nephew Zach , will eat everything , much like Sonya . I never have to argue or cajole her to eat something like I do with Lana . Gracie , however is Beth 's Lana . She will look at something and if it looks like she might not like it , she will turn her nose up at it . So it was no surprise that halfway through the meal , Sonya and Zach were done and Gracie along with my two youngest were pushing food around their plates . They were also very hyped up and giggly for some reason and in not much of an eating mood . I had made rolls to go with our meal , but I never give my girls their roll until they 've eaten a good portion of their dinner , otherwise that is all they will eat . As it happened , I also had cake that I had bought from an awesome bakery here called Porto 's , earlier in the day . So the negotiations started . The girls wanted a roll and cake , but they knew they weren 't getting anything until they ate their meal . Since Sonya and Zach had eaten their meals with no fight , we gave them a roll and then they sat patiently waiting for the picky girls to finish so they could have dessert . Eventually , I had to set the timer for them , because they were just not eating . I knew once dessert came out they would all of a sudden become hungry . We do NOT have dessert for dinner in my house . They don 't have to eat everything on their plate , but at least a good portion and all of their vegetables in order to get dessert . After the ten minutes was up , all three had eaten enough to win them a piece of cake . I know , I know , don 't reward eating with dessert , but again , they had to eat their dinner to get it at all . Plus we don 't have dessert every night , so using it every once in a while isn 't that bad . I got up to get everyone a piece of cake and Georgia said to me , " No , you do not get both because you guys didn 't do a good job eating on your own . You have to pick one , " I told her . This is the rule in our house . If we are having rolls and dessert and I have to set the timer for them to eat , even if they do end up eating everything they can 't have both things . " Okay , " she said . " I 'll have cake den and no woll ! " " I figured , " I said . About thirty seconds later I noticed Zach sitting in his chair with tears streaming down his face . " Zach ? What 's wrong , buddy ? " I asked . Was he sad to go home the next day ? Did someone hurt him ? I had no idea . He was sitting there at the table just crying . My sister walked over and tried to coax it out of him . " Zach , buddy , we can 't help you if you don 't tell us what 's wrong , " she tried . He sat there sobbing , still not talking . " Zach , " she said . " You need to talk and tell me please . " Apparently , he does this all the time . He will get upset about something and just not tell her what it is . I found out later , Beth knew exactly what he was going to say , but wanted him to get it out on his own . Finally , between sobs he choked out , " I already had a ROOOOLLLLLL ! ! ! ! " Then he cried harder . What ? At first I couldn 't figure out what he was talking about then it hit me . Oh ! My rule to the girls of not getting both roll and dessert . He thought he wasn 't getting cake because he had already eaten a roll . " Oh no , no Zach ! " I said . " That wasn 't a rule for you and Sonya , because you guys ate your dinner without any problems . The little girls didn 't so they have to chose which they want . Don 't worry buddy , you still get a piece of cake . " I assured him . He immediately stopped crying , wiped his tears , sniffed and said , " Oh , can I have a piece of chocolate then ! " And that was it , back to being happy . It was the shortest emotional outburst I 've ever seen . Something very different from what I experience with my emotional roller coaster queens on a daily basis . Poor thing thought he lost his chocolate cake because of eating a roll . I have to say , I can 't blame him . If I thought I had given up cake for a roll , I would have been crying too . Posted by One of the nice things about having the " special passes " at Disneyland was that we all got to ride something if we wanted to , even if the little kids weren 't tall enough for some of them . Half of us would go , while the other half would stay with the littles and then we 'd switch . Since we were always going in the fast pass lines , we were able to get through fairly quickly . Even though Gracie is almost a whole year younger than Lana , she was about an inch taller and able to get on a few things like Star Tours and Big Thunder Mountain . Poor Lana . She 's such a peanut , and will probably be 13 before she can ride Space Mountain . She didn 't really seem to care though , at least this time . Perhaps her next breakdown at Disneyland will be about that . We all headed to Big Thunder Mountain and I took my two girls and Ben , who is only 2 , and everyone else went to ride the coaster . If it didn 't take to long I would switch with them after they rode . I think it took all of ten minutes from the time they entered the line . When they came out my sister and her husband stayed with the kids who couldn 't ride and the rest of us went . Gracie decided she wanted to ride with me . I think Gracie had a great time at our house because we have nothing but girl stuff all the time around here . Grace is in the middle of her family and the only girl . So she gets to always be the girly girl and doesn 't have to fight over the pink bowl in her house , but she also doesn 't have the amount of girly toys we do . Still she gets to be the only princess in her house where my girls have to share that spotlight . Not that my sister and her husband treat her like she 's a princess . She just takes on that role herself as most little girls do . Fortunately for her , she was tall enough for most of the rides , but just barely , so they kept measuring her when we got to the front of lines . It was no different with this one . We got up to the front and the " cast member " working the ride said to Grace , Yesterday was the first day of school for the girls . Third grade for Sonya and Kindergarten for Lana ( cue the crying for me ) . Actually , I was OK for the most part . I only got teary for a minute or so . I just can 't believe they are already this big and I only have Georgia left at home . It seems like only yesterday , Lana was a little baby and I was crying over a positive pregnancy test . Then sometimes it feels like 100 years ago . Either way , having big kids make me really sad some days because I miss the toddler years . Then again , I got to go to the gym by myself this morning , so you know , it 's not ALL bad . Posted by As I mentioned in my last post , I disappeared for a while because my sister was visiting with her family . She also has three kids , which means there were six kids and four adults in my house for a week . That 's ten people , for those mathematically challenged . SIX of them were kids . Did I mention my house is only 1600 square feet ? Yeah it got a bit squishy at times , but it really wasn 't that bad . For the most part were weren 't home except to sleep . And to drink LOTS of wine . Hence the reason my posts have been lacking . There were trips to , the beach , Disneyland , The Aquarium of the Pacific , The Getty Museum , and Grandpa 's house to go swimming . It was bit busy . One of my favorite , yet most exhausting days was most definitely Disneyland . I mean who doesn 't love Disneyland ? After all it IS the happiest place on earth . Someone just forgot to tell Lana that . Yes , this is yet another one of those posts where I wonder what to do with that kid . Don 't roll your eyes , YOU don 't live with her . Her emotions are always so hot and cold . It 's been like that since she was a baby . We used to joke and call her bi - polar baby . I know , we are such awesome parents . Anyway , she woke up that morning a ray of sunshine . In fact she was the only one of all the kids who got up , got dressed , had breakfast and was ready before every one else , with a smile on her face the whole time . We were looking at a good day if SHE could be like that . Then I made the mistake of allowing Georgia to have her blankie in the car on the way to Disney . How dare I ! Quick explanation : The girls all have blankies they sleep with only at night . I always pack their PJs and blankies when we go to Disney so when they fall asleep on the way home it 's an easy transition to bed . Georgia was up at 4 : 30 that morning . Yes , 4 : 30 AM . I REALLY wanted her to take a nap on the way to Disneyland , so she didn 't break down later on in the day . That 's where the problem came in . . . Lana was a bit jealous that GG had her blankie and she didn 't , and she decided to let us know , for the first 25 minutes of the car ride . She cried and whined about not having her blankie . Not that I usually EVER let them have it during the day , but I guess because her sister had hers , she felt it would only be fair . In retrospect , and knowing how that incident would set the tone for the rest of the day , I should have given her that damn blankie . But no , I was sticking to my rule dammit ! She finally gave up the fight after half an hour and SHE fell asleep for the rest of the trip . Georgia - not one wink . This was going to be a fun day . We got to the parking garage , which is about a half mile from the actual Magic Kingdom entrance . Now keep in mind we were at Disneyland . . . on a Saturday . . . during the summer . Crowded ? No , no , it was only sardines in a can feeling for part of the day . When we saw how long the tram lines were we decided to walk . We were going to be walking all day so what difference would another half a mile make ? Apparently , it would make a big difference to Lana , who didn 't want to walk even if it meant Disneyland was at the end of that walk . Oh wait . IT WAS ! ! That child did not care . All she cared about was the fact that there walking and she had to walk and the walking was to much and it was hurty for her legs with all the walking . I 'm not sure how we ever made it to the entrance . All I remember is arguing with that child for half a mile about how it wasn 't that far , and she would be fine when we got in there , and no I wasn 't going to carry her . More whining ensued . When we finally made it to the park I thought we were going to be okay . I figured we had sidestepped a Lana bomb . Unfortunately , that was not the case . She was just ticking waiting for the right time to go off . She was good for a while . We got into Disney - all for free I might add . I have friends in high places . ( Melinda you are the bestest , most awesomest , friend ever ! I love all my friends , but the rest of you don 't get me in to Disney for free , so you know . . . ) There were also the special passes to get on all the rides in the fast pass line . I 'd love to tell you how we did that , buuuuttt . . . well then I 'd have to kill you and I like having my readers alive . Let 's just say it 's a good thing my nephew and niece were with us . We wouldn 't have been able to ride half of what we did if not for those passes . And Lana is NOT good with standing in lines for more than oh , five minutes or so . This helped everyone out . We ended up in Toon Town a couple hours into our day . For those of you who have never been , it 's an area for the little kids . You can see Mickey and Minnie over there and go into Goofy 's house . We planned on going to visit Minnie , but the line was way to long and we weren 't about to get to the front of that one . Lana protested a bit , but when we pointed out how long the line was she seemed to understand that it was better not to wait in it . She didn 't really cry , but I could tell she wasn 't exactly ok with missing Minnie . Still the majority of us not wanting to wait in line won . Then came the carousel incident . Oh boy . After lunch we headed to the carousel . A ride that all of the ages could enjoy . We got in our " special " line and were allowed on first . While we were waiting to go in , Lana eyed a pink and purple horse with bells on it . She told me how that was the horse she wanted . I had Georgia when we walked on and Andy had Lana . I got GG and Sonya all settled and then heard a sobbing from behind me . I turned to see Lana looking demonically possessed and completely losing her shit atop a horse that was NOT the one she pointed out . Andy stood next to her shaking his head . I walked back to them . " What happened ? " I asked . " Gracie took MY horse ! ! " Lana told me in between sobs . I turned to the horse in front of her to see Gracie was indeed on the horse Lana wanted . I wasn 't sure what had happened , but I just needed to calm her down . I told Andy to go with the other two girls , then went into operation " chill Lana out " . Something I 've done more than once or twice . Unfortunately , I was to late . She had already been taken over by the wild eyed , crazy , hysterical , demon five year old she sometimes turns into when she 's at the end of her rope . There were no deep breaths or counting to ten that were going to fix this in the next five minutes . I decided to take her off the ride , but the bell rang indicating that it was starting and off we went . Lana was screaming , crying and trying to jump , yes jump off the horse she was on as it was going up and down , round and round , and yelling " I want THAT horse ! ! " I stood there doing my best to make sure she didn 't jump off to her death , or at least a broken bone , and trying to ignore every stare that was coming in our direction . With every second I became increasingly more frustrated and angry with her behavior . It was the longest ride ever . The moment the ride stopped , I grabbed her off the horse , kicking and screaming , walked over to where our stroller was parked and grabbed my wallet and phone . When the others came over , I told them to go ride whatever , I was taking Lana for a timeout and I 'd find them in a bit . Then I carried a hysterical Lana in the direction of Cinderella 's castle not sure where I was going . I didn 't want to go all the way back to the car , but I needed to find a place to have her let this out then calm her down . On the side of the castle is a little walkway to Frontier land and there was a little corner with a door that was the back of one of the shops . Perfect . It was away from most people and in a corner . I sat her down and there she screamed and yelled for at least another fifteen minutes . Finally , she calmed down to just crying , and not letting me comfort her , to reluctantly " Are you ok ? " Then she saw Lana and said , " oh . " I said , " We just needed a little time out . We 're fine . " She nodded her head like this wasn 't the first time she 'd seen someone back there and went back inside . I did find out later that particular spot is also a timeout spot for my friend BethAnnDoddKoehn 's kids as well . It 's a good one if you 're ever there and need one ! When I finally had calmed her down enough to talk to me , I tried to find out exactly what it was that made her flip . I figured it wasn 't just because of the horse , because of how crazy she behaved . I asked - Was it the horse ? No - she said , not having blankie in the car ? nuh - uh . Because you don 't want to walk ? Nooooo ! " Is it nothing ? Are you sad just because ? " I asked , because that has happened before where she cries and she doesn 't know why . The sobbing started again , and my heart melted in a puddle for her . Aw man , that kid LOVES her some Minnie and in that instant I felt terrible . I know , I know , talk about first world problems , right ? I reminded her again that the line for Minnie was long and she wouldn 't have wanted to wait in the hot sun , because believe me she wouldn 't have . Before the rest of you start to feel badly for her , I will inform you that this is about her sixth trip to Disneyland in her five years and she 's seen Minnie every single time . So don 't be to sympathetic . Not to mention we will be back for our yearly trip in November , so she will have a chance to see her again soon . Besides , I think Minnie might have been the most disappointing part for her , but I believe it was a build up of all those things that threw her into tantrum land . Not quite as fun as Fantasyland I can assure you . After about a half hour , she was feeling better and ready to have some fun . She accepted that we weren 't seeing Minnie that day and that she couldn 't always get the horse she wanted on the carousel . I later found out that she and Gracie had gone for the horse at the same time , each one on either side and Grace got to the top a split second before Lana . I don 't think Grace or my sister realized Lana had even been eyeing that particular horse . She took a few minutes once we found everyone , to get completely out of sad mode , but one ride on the Teacups , with me watching on the sidelines , completely cured her . ( I don 't do the teacups . Nobody wants to see my lunch again . ) The rest of the day went on without incident from her . In fact she was very pleasant . Whatever she needed to get out of her system she did next to Cinderella 's castle . Later on that evening we were in line to ride Peter Pan , which is next to the carousel . She looked at me and asked if we could ride it again . " You want to redeem yourself from earlier and get the horse you want this time ? " I asked . She nodded . So we all went on . My sister made it a point to tell Grace that Lana was getting that pink and purple horse this time . It stopped right in front of us again as it had before . When they let us on , Lana ran to it and started to climb up . On the other side , GG was trying to get up on the same DAMN HORSE ! " No , Georgia , " I said picking her up . " It 's Lana 's turn for that horse this time . " Then , and I am so not kidding when I tell you this , Georgia started to cry . SERIOUSLY ? ! ! Fortunately , Georgia is a much different , much more easy going kid . " Look G ! Here 's an orange one , your favorite color ! " I told her . " But I wanted the one with jewels ! " she cried . " This one has jewels ! " I said pointing to a fake inlaid sapphire in the saddle . " Oh , " she said , and the crying stopped immediately as I helped her on the horse . I was NOT about to go through that scene again . If you ever go to Disneyland don 't expect your kids to be extremely well behaved or super grateful just because they are at Disneyland . I think as parents we think they should behave like that . " They 're at Disneyland ! They should just be happy about that ! ! " However , if they 're having a bad day , they don 't care where the hell they have their temper tantrums . After all they don 't get how much time , energy and money you 've put into a day like that . They 're just kids and all they know is they didn 't get the purple and pink horse or their picture with Minnie Mouse . All you can do is explain they don 't always get what they want , even at The Happiest Place on Earth . Oh hi ! No , I didn 't fall off the face of the earth , or the face of the Internet . I 'm still here ! I just feel way out of schedule , because my sister , Beth , and her family came to visit for a week . We had a fantastic time and yes I have stories , but I will have to get to those when I have more time . For now I just wanted to give you quick post so you know I 'm still here . Hi ! Still here ! Just real quickly , here 's what Andy and I did the weekend before my sister came : That 's right , we got the girls bunk beds and put them together ourselves . Crazy , I know , but we are pretty kick ass in this house . The good news is we are still married after putting those things together ! It was touch and go there for a while . Especially when we had to put the top bunk together . We had to try to hold on the guard rails with the bed rails at the same time while screwing it all together , without letting the other side fall out . That was a bit tricky and there may have been a few mad rants , and some name calling , but we came out on the other side with the bed and our marriage still together . Just to show you how much work it was , here is what they looked like when they came to us . Bed rails Well . . . Anyway the girls were extremely excited for their new beds . It even came with a trundle bed for Sonya to sleep in for when get company , so she got to try it out right away . I have to say the quality of the beds is great . They are solid wood , and very sturdy . The price was even better , less than $ 700 . They came with stairs instead of a ladder , which I felt was a bit more safe , plus - PLUS those drawers . . . they are STORAGE ! ! STORAGE I tell you ! Who doesn 't need more storage ? ? Especially when you live in a 1600 square foot house . Lana liked helping with this part . So okay , I might like them more than the girls do . They even have a great new furniture smell . If you are looking for bunk beds , we got them on line at a place called bunkbedking . com No , I did not get paid to advertise for them . I wish . I just think they have a really great product at a fantastic price . They didn 't charge shipping either . Then as Andy and I got toward the end of putting the beds together , we noticed we were missing hardware pieces . Nothing that would hurt the beds from being used . They were for the railing for the stairs . To be honest , I don 't know if they shorted us or we misplaced them . I 'm willing to bet it was the latter . So I emailed the company and told them which parts we needed and within two days I received a package with the parts , plus extra . The top pain in the ass bunk . All of us are happy with this purchase , even though it did mean taking out the toddler beds and admitting completely that I have big kids now . That part was a bit hard for both Andy and me . My babies are all in big girl beds , making them big girls and not babies . Sucks . Then sometimes it doesn 't . Like when I remember that I don 't change diapers , and they can all tell me what they are crying about . Still , it 's hard to face how fast they are growing up . The only thing that helps is how very little and cute they look in those huge twin beds . I know though that in a few years they will fill those up too . Well , Georgia will at least . Posted by I 'm a 40 year old stay at home mom of 3 girls . I love being with them , but some days they drive me to drink , literally . My husband , Andy , is a fantastic daddy and a great husband . He makes me laugh every day . Even though this is not where I thought I 'd end up , it 's starting to feel more like it 's where I am supposed to be . Starting this blog has helped me with that . |
Yesterday , I decided it would be a good idea to make sure that Lana knew how to dial 911 if need be . Sonya has known how to do this for years and because she knows , I figured we were good . Then I realized , she 's not always around since she 's in school all day . It might only be Lana or Georgia if I misstep down the attic stairs while getting out Halloween or Christmas decorations . What if I lay unconscious at the bottom of the ladder and the girls have no idea what to do ! These are the crazy , anxiety ridden thoughts that cross my mind on a daily basis . I 'm fairly certain I come by this naturally . Thanks mom ! So to calm my fears , I figured they should know what to do in case of an emergency . I decided to start with Lana . Partially because she 's older and partially because Georgia still gets our address number and phone number mixed up . No need to throw another number at her just yet . I explained that I was going to show her how to dial 911 on the phone . I emphasized that this is ONLY for an emergency . You know like if mommy was laying with blood pouring out of her head . Okay I didn 't say that , but I said if something happened to me and I couldn 't move or talk . I showed her how to turn the phone on , listen for the dial tone and then dial . Then I told her someone would come on the phone and talk to her , and she should tell them what the emergency was . She seemed to understand , and I had her show me which numbers she should push and how to turn it on by pressing the " talk " button . Suddenly she got a concerned look on her face and said , Okay , so that 's one lesson that she got through her head ! My scare tactics ARE working ! " That 's true , " I said , " But this is a stranger YOU are calling and it 's to get help . You can only talk to the people on 911 , and then they send someone to help . . . " " Like the firemen or the policemen ! " She said interrupting me . I have no idea how she figured out that they would be the ones to show up . " Yes ! Exactly and they are good strangers too because they are there to help . " " Well , " I said , trying desperately not to laugh . " The police can put people in jail , but they can help people too just like a fireman , so you don 't need to be worried about them . Okay ? " " Okay ! " she said . Then she ran off to play babies with her sister , with another piece of knowledge embedded in her brain . Hmmm . . . should I be concerned that she already thinks that all the police do is put people in jail ? Over the weekend I went down to Carlsbad to spend some quality girl / no kids time with BethAnnDoddKoehn . We got our nails done , lounged around our hotel room and went to a fancy dinner . Later that night we met up with some old friends from high school for drinks . It was a fun night and I was glad to have the chance to get away and not play mommy for a few hours . Something that is needed for every mom . Thank goodness I have a great husband who has no problem with me going or taking care of the girls on his own . Thanks babe ! The night before I left I told the girls I would be going away the next night , just so they would get used to the idea . Georgia started whining and crying about how she didn 't want me to go . Please stay here , I don 't want you to go , why do you have to go ? These were the questions and requests I got from her . Lately , every time I go out somewhere , even if it 's to the grocery store alone , Georgia becomes whiny and clingy about me leaving . I suppose it 's just another bout of separation anxiety they go through at this age . Eventually , I talked her down and by the time I left the next morning she seemed to be at peace with my absence for the day . Lana , however , cried . Usually she doesn 't care , but for some reason on Saturday she did . After I was gone and fun Daddy took over , nobody really cared though . When I came back yesterday afternoon , everyone was happy to see me and told me all about their day . Then , for the next two hours , Sonya and Lana proceeded to lose their minds and have complete breakdowns about various things . Of course , they had been angels while I was away , but whatever they were holding in , they decided to let out with me around . Thanks ladies ! Georgia didn 't have a meltdown , but did get in trouble for lying to me . Something she 's been doing a lot of lately . It seemed that perhaps coming home yesterday wasn 't working for anyone . I wasn 't the only one who felt that way . Last night at dinner , Georgia decided then was the best time to be honest . Every night we do something with the kids to find out more about their day . It actually something I stole from my favorite blogger Heather Hamilton at dooce . com . I figure I should give her the credit . Its great though , because the girls love doing it and we all find out something about every one 's day . We all go around the table and say what our most favorite , least favorite and most thankful parts of our day were . Then a few weeks ago Andy added what you might be sorry for that day as well . I like that one , because it gives everyone a chance to clear the air of any wrongdoings of the day . We got to Georgia and she told us her favorite part of the day was going to breakfast that morning and her least favorite part was " Mommy coming home . " I supposed everyone acting crazy upon my arrival made her rethink me being around . Fine . Beth , I 'm coming back and staying for a week . You in ? Posted by For about ten years now , we 've been trying to teach the girls to swim . Okay , I guess that 's not right since Sonya is only seven . It just feels that way . In reality , this is the third summer in a row the girls have taken swimming lessons . You might remember the stories from the past summers . and finally , FINALLY , about a month ago Sonya really started swimming : ( Did you like the way Lana had to get herself in that video ? Now , I was claiming victory . At least one of them was somewhat comfortable in the water ! At least one of them will put her head under without going into hysterics ! I just figured we 'd worry about the other two next summer . Then Lana ( yes , Lana ! The same one who did this one summer . ) surprised the hell out of us and a couple weeks ago started doing this out of nowhere : So now we have TWO of them at least willing to try and move in the water ! Georgia is still very hesitant , but fortunately we live in Southern , CA where is will be summer until at least November . This is my friend Stacy 's pool , and I plan on living there until I have all three of them swimming like Michael Phelps . Or at least like Michael Phelps when he was three . Posted by Most of the time my sister was here we did our best to make meals at home . Let me tell you how crazy it is to prepare food for six kids . I have no idea how John and Kate do it for eight , let alone the insane Duggars with their 19 or 20 or whatever it is they have now . We did go out for a couple of meals , but we tried our best to save money , and our waistlines , by making sandwiches for lunch and putting together a healthy meal at dinner . The good thing is that with the two of us together doing it , it did go a big quicker . Perhaps those Mormons who have sister wives are on to something . The last night they were here , we decided to make baked fish for dinner . My nephew Zach , will eat everything , much like Sonya . I never have to argue or cajole her to eat something like I do with Lana . Gracie , however is Beth 's Lana . She will look at something and if it looks like she might not like it , she will turn her nose up at it . So it was no surprise that halfway through the meal , Sonya and Zach were done and Gracie along with my two youngest were pushing food around their plates . They were also very hyped up and giggly for some reason and in not much of an eating mood . I had made rolls to go with our meal , but I never give my girls their roll until they 've eaten a good portion of their dinner , otherwise that is all they will eat . As it happened , I also had cake that I had bought from an awesome bakery here called Porto 's , earlier in the day . So the negotiations started . The girls wanted a roll and cake , but they knew they weren 't getting anything until they ate their meal . Since Sonya and Zach had eaten their meals with no fight , we gave them a roll and then they sat patiently waiting for the picky girls to finish so they could have dessert . Eventually , I had to set the timer for them , because they were just not eating . I knew once dessert came out they would all of a sudden become hungry . We do NOT have dessert for dinner in my house . They don 't have to eat everything on their plate , but at least a good portion and all of their vegetables in order to get dessert . After the ten minutes was up , all three had eaten enough to win them a piece of cake . I know , I know , don 't reward eating with dessert , but again , they had to eat their dinner to get it at all . Plus we don 't have dessert every night , so using it every once in a while isn 't that bad . I got up to get everyone a piece of cake and Georgia said to me , " No , you do not get both because you guys didn 't do a good job eating on your own . You have to pick one , " I told her . This is the rule in our house . If we are having rolls and dessert and I have to set the timer for them to eat , even if they do end up eating everything they can 't have both things . " Okay , " she said . " I 'll have cake den and no woll ! " " I figured , " I said . About thirty seconds later I noticed Zach sitting in his chair with tears streaming down his face . " Zach ? What 's wrong , buddy ? " I asked . Was he sad to go home the next day ? Did someone hurt him ? I had no idea . He was sitting there at the table just crying . My sister walked over and tried to coax it out of him . " Zach , buddy , we can 't help you if you don 't tell us what 's wrong , " she tried . He sat there sobbing , still not talking . " Zach , " she said . " You need to talk and tell me please . " Apparently , he does this all the time . He will get upset about something and just not tell her what it is . I found out later , Beth knew exactly what he was going to say , but wanted him to get it out on his own . Finally , between sobs he choked out , " I already had a ROOOOLLLLLL ! ! ! ! " Then he cried harder . What ? At first I couldn 't figure out what he was talking about then it hit me . Oh ! My rule to the girls of not getting both roll and dessert . He thought he wasn 't getting cake because he had already eaten a roll . " Oh no , no Zach ! " I said . " That wasn 't a rule for you and Sonya , because you guys ate your dinner without any problems . The little girls didn 't so they have to chose which they want . Don 't worry buddy , you still get a piece of cake . " I assured him . He immediately stopped crying , wiped his tears , sniffed and said , " Oh , can I have a piece of chocolate then ! " And that was it , back to being happy . It was the shortest emotional outburst I 've ever seen . Something very different from what I experience with my emotional roller coaster queens on a daily basis . Poor thing thought he lost his chocolate cake because of eating a roll . I have to say , I can 't blame him . If I thought I had given up cake for a roll , I would have been crying too . Posted by One of the nice things about having the " special passes " at Disneyland was that we all got to ride something if we wanted to , even if the little kids weren 't tall enough for some of them . Half of us would go , while the other half would stay with the littles and then we 'd switch . Since we were always going in the fast pass lines , we were able to get through fairly quickly . Even though Gracie is almost a whole year younger than Lana , she was about an inch taller and able to get on a few things like Star Tours and Big Thunder Mountain . Poor Lana . She 's such a peanut , and will probably be 13 before she can ride Space Mountain . She didn 't really seem to care though , at least this time . Perhaps her next breakdown at Disneyland will be about that . We all headed to Big Thunder Mountain and I took my two girls and Ben , who is only 2 , and everyone else went to ride the coaster . If it didn 't take to long I would switch with them after they rode . I think it took all of ten minutes from the time they entered the line . When they came out my sister and her husband stayed with the kids who couldn 't ride and the rest of us went . Gracie decided she wanted to ride with me . I think Gracie had a great time at our house because we have nothing but girl stuff all the time around here . Grace is in the middle of her family and the only girl . So she gets to always be the girly girl and doesn 't have to fight over the pink bowl in her house , but she also doesn 't have the amount of girly toys we do . Still she gets to be the only princess in her house where my girls have to share that spotlight . Not that my sister and her husband treat her like she 's a princess . She just takes on that role herself as most little girls do . Fortunately for her , she was tall enough for most of the rides , but just barely , so they kept measuring her when we got to the front of lines . It was no different with this one . We got up to the front and the " cast member " working the ride said to Grace , Yesterday was the first day of school for the girls . Third grade for Sonya and Kindergarten for Lana ( cue the crying for me ) . Actually , I was OK for the most part . I only got teary for a minute or so . I just can 't believe they are already this big and I only have Georgia left at home . It seems like only yesterday , Lana was a little baby and I was crying over a positive pregnancy test . Then sometimes it feels like 100 years ago . Either way , having big kids make me really sad some days because I miss the toddler years . Then again , I got to go to the gym by myself this morning , so you know , it 's not ALL bad . Posted by As I mentioned in my last post , I disappeared for a while because my sister was visiting with her family . She also has three kids , which means there were six kids and four adults in my house for a week . That 's ten people , for those mathematically challenged . SIX of them were kids . Did I mention my house is only 1600 square feet ? Yeah it got a bit squishy at times , but it really wasn 't that bad . For the most part were weren 't home except to sleep . And to drink LOTS of wine . Hence the reason my posts have been lacking . There were trips to , the beach , Disneyland , The Aquarium of the Pacific , The Getty Museum , and Grandpa 's house to go swimming . It was bit busy . One of my favorite , yet most exhausting days was most definitely Disneyland . I mean who doesn 't love Disneyland ? After all it IS the happiest place on earth . Someone just forgot to tell Lana that . Yes , this is yet another one of those posts where I wonder what to do with that kid . Don 't roll your eyes , YOU don 't live with her . Her emotions are always so hot and cold . It 's been like that since she was a baby . We used to joke and call her bi - polar baby . I know , we are such awesome parents . Anyway , she woke up that morning a ray of sunshine . In fact she was the only one of all the kids who got up , got dressed , had breakfast and was ready before every one else , with a smile on her face the whole time . We were looking at a good day if SHE could be like that . Then I made the mistake of allowing Georgia to have her blankie in the car on the way to Disney . How dare I ! Quick explanation : The girls all have blankies they sleep with only at night . I always pack their PJs and blankies when we go to Disney so when they fall asleep on the way home it 's an easy transition to bed . Georgia was up at 4 : 30 that morning . Yes , 4 : 30 AM . I REALLY wanted her to take a nap on the way to Disneyland , so she didn 't break down later on in the day . That 's where the problem came in . . . Lana was a bit jealous that GG had her blankie and she didn 't , and she decided to let us know , for the first 25 minutes of the car ride . She cried and whined about not having her blankie . Not that I usually EVER let them have it during the day , but I guess because her sister had hers , she felt it would only be fair . In retrospect , and knowing how that incident would set the tone for the rest of the day , I should have given her that damn blankie . But no , I was sticking to my rule dammit ! She finally gave up the fight after half an hour and SHE fell asleep for the rest of the trip . Georgia - not one wink . This was going to be a fun day . We got to the parking garage , which is about a half mile from the actual Magic Kingdom entrance . Now keep in mind we were at Disneyland . . . on a Saturday . . . during the summer . Crowded ? No , no , it was only sardines in a can feeling for part of the day . When we saw how long the tram lines were we decided to walk . We were going to be walking all day so what difference would another half a mile make ? Apparently , it would make a big difference to Lana , who didn 't want to walk even if it meant Disneyland was at the end of that walk . Oh wait . IT WAS ! ! That child did not care . All she cared about was the fact that there walking and she had to walk and the walking was to much and it was hurty for her legs with all the walking . I 'm not sure how we ever made it to the entrance . All I remember is arguing with that child for half a mile about how it wasn 't that far , and she would be fine when we got in there , and no I wasn 't going to carry her . More whining ensued . When we finally made it to the park I thought we were going to be okay . I figured we had sidestepped a Lana bomb . Unfortunately , that was not the case . She was just ticking waiting for the right time to go off . She was good for a while . We got into Disney - all for free I might add . I have friends in high places . ( Melinda you are the bestest , most awesomest , friend ever ! I love all my friends , but the rest of you don 't get me in to Disney for free , so you know . . . ) There were also the special passes to get on all the rides in the fast pass line . I 'd love to tell you how we did that , buuuuttt . . . well then I 'd have to kill you and I like having my readers alive . Let 's just say it 's a good thing my nephew and niece were with us . We wouldn 't have been able to ride half of what we did if not for those passes . And Lana is NOT good with standing in lines for more than oh , five minutes or so . This helped everyone out . We ended up in Toon Town a couple hours into our day . For those of you who have never been , it 's an area for the little kids . You can see Mickey and Minnie over there and go into Goofy 's house . We planned on going to visit Minnie , but the line was way to long and we weren 't about to get to the front of that one . Lana protested a bit , but when we pointed out how long the line was she seemed to understand that it was better not to wait in it . She didn 't really cry , but I could tell she wasn 't exactly ok with missing Minnie . Still the majority of us not wanting to wait in line won . Then came the carousel incident . Oh boy . After lunch we headed to the carousel . A ride that all of the ages could enjoy . We got in our " special " line and were allowed on first . While we were waiting to go in , Lana eyed a pink and purple horse with bells on it . She told me how that was the horse she wanted . I had Georgia when we walked on and Andy had Lana . I got GG and Sonya all settled and then heard a sobbing from behind me . I turned to see Lana looking demonically possessed and completely losing her shit atop a horse that was NOT the one she pointed out . Andy stood next to her shaking his head . I walked back to them . " What happened ? " I asked . " Gracie took MY horse ! ! " Lana told me in between sobs . I turned to the horse in front of her to see Gracie was indeed on the horse Lana wanted . I wasn 't sure what had happened , but I just needed to calm her down . I told Andy to go with the other two girls , then went into operation " chill Lana out " . Something I 've done more than once or twice . Unfortunately , I was to late . She had already been taken over by the wild eyed , crazy , hysterical , demon five year old she sometimes turns into when she 's at the end of her rope . There were no deep breaths or counting to ten that were going to fix this in the next five minutes . I decided to take her off the ride , but the bell rang indicating that it was starting and off we went . Lana was screaming , crying and trying to jump , yes jump off the horse she was on as it was going up and down , round and round , and yelling " I want THAT horse ! ! " I stood there doing my best to make sure she didn 't jump off to her death , or at least a broken bone , and trying to ignore every stare that was coming in our direction . With every second I became increasingly more frustrated and angry with her behavior . It was the longest ride ever . The moment the ride stopped , I grabbed her off the horse , kicking and screaming , walked over to where our stroller was parked and grabbed my wallet and phone . When the others came over , I told them to go ride whatever , I was taking Lana for a timeout and I 'd find them in a bit . Then I carried a hysterical Lana in the direction of Cinderella 's castle not sure where I was going . I didn 't want to go all the way back to the car , but I needed to find a place to have her let this out then calm her down . On the side of the castle is a little walkway to Frontier land and there was a little corner with a door that was the back of one of the shops . Perfect . It was away from most people and in a corner . I sat her down and there she screamed and yelled for at least another fifteen minutes . Finally , she calmed down to just crying , and not letting me comfort her , to reluctantly " Are you ok ? " Then she saw Lana and said , " oh . " I said , " We just needed a little time out . We 're fine . " She nodded her head like this wasn 't the first time she 'd seen someone back there and went back inside . I did find out later that particular spot is also a timeout spot for my friend BethAnnDoddKoehn 's kids as well . It 's a good one if you 're ever there and need one ! When I finally had calmed her down enough to talk to me , I tried to find out exactly what it was that made her flip . I figured it wasn 't just because of the horse , because of how crazy she behaved . I asked - Was it the horse ? No - she said , not having blankie in the car ? nuh - uh . Because you don 't want to walk ? Nooooo ! " Is it nothing ? Are you sad just because ? " I asked , because that has happened before where she cries and she doesn 't know why . The sobbing started again , and my heart melted in a puddle for her . Aw man , that kid LOVES her some Minnie and in that instant I felt terrible . I know , I know , talk about first world problems , right ? I reminded her again that the line for Minnie was long and she wouldn 't have wanted to wait in the hot sun , because believe me she wouldn 't have . Before the rest of you start to feel badly for her , I will inform you that this is about her sixth trip to Disneyland in her five years and she 's seen Minnie every single time . So don 't be to sympathetic . Not to mention we will be back for our yearly trip in November , so she will have a chance to see her again soon . Besides , I think Minnie might have been the most disappointing part for her , but I believe it was a build up of all those things that threw her into tantrum land . Not quite as fun as Fantasyland I can assure you . After about a half hour , she was feeling better and ready to have some fun . She accepted that we weren 't seeing Minnie that day and that she couldn 't always get the horse she wanted on the carousel . I later found out that she and Gracie had gone for the horse at the same time , each one on either side and Grace got to the top a split second before Lana . I don 't think Grace or my sister realized Lana had even been eyeing that particular horse . She took a few minutes once we found everyone , to get completely out of sad mode , but one ride on the Teacups , with me watching on the sidelines , completely cured her . ( I don 't do the teacups . Nobody wants to see my lunch again . ) The rest of the day went on without incident from her . In fact she was very pleasant . Whatever she needed to get out of her system she did next to Cinderella 's castle . Later on that evening we were in line to ride Peter Pan , which is next to the carousel . She looked at me and asked if we could ride it again . " You want to redeem yourself from earlier and get the horse you want this time ? " I asked . She nodded . So we all went on . My sister made it a point to tell Grace that Lana was getting that pink and purple horse this time . It stopped right in front of us again as it had before . When they let us on , Lana ran to it and started to climb up . On the other side , GG was trying to get up on the same DAMN HORSE ! " No , Georgia , " I said picking her up . " It 's Lana 's turn for that horse this time . " Then , and I am so not kidding when I tell you this , Georgia started to cry . SERIOUSLY ? ! ! Fortunately , Georgia is a much different , much more easy going kid . " Look G ! Here 's an orange one , your favorite color ! " I told her . " But I wanted the one with jewels ! " she cried . " This one has jewels ! " I said pointing to a fake inlaid sapphire in the saddle . " Oh , " she said , and the crying stopped immediately as I helped her on the horse . I was NOT about to go through that scene again . If you ever go to Disneyland don 't expect your kids to be extremely well behaved or super grateful just because they are at Disneyland . I think as parents we think they should behave like that . " They 're at Disneyland ! They should just be happy about that ! ! " However , if they 're having a bad day , they don 't care where the hell they have their temper tantrums . After all they don 't get how much time , energy and money you 've put into a day like that . They 're just kids and all they know is they didn 't get the purple and pink horse or their picture with Minnie Mouse . All you can do is explain they don 't always get what they want , even at The Happiest Place on Earth . Oh hi ! No , I didn 't fall off the face of the earth , or the face of the Internet . I 'm still here ! I just feel way out of schedule , because my sister , Beth , and her family came to visit for a week . We had a fantastic time and yes I have stories , but I will have to get to those when I have more time . For now I just wanted to give you quick post so you know I 'm still here . Hi ! Still here ! Just real quickly , here 's what Andy and I did the weekend before my sister came : That 's right , we got the girls bunk beds and put them together ourselves . Crazy , I know , but we are pretty kick ass in this house . The good news is we are still married after putting those things together ! It was touch and go there for a while . Especially when we had to put the top bunk together . We had to try to hold on the guard rails with the bed rails at the same time while screwing it all together , without letting the other side fall out . That was a bit tricky and there may have been a few mad rants , and some name calling , but we came out on the other side with the bed and our marriage still together . Just to show you how much work it was , here is what they looked like when they came to us . Bed rails Well . . . Anyway the girls were extremely excited for their new beds . It even came with a trundle bed for Sonya to sleep in for when get company , so she got to try it out right away . I have to say the quality of the beds is great . They are solid wood , and very sturdy . The price was even better , less than $ 700 . They came with stairs instead of a ladder , which I felt was a bit more safe , plus - PLUS those drawers . . . they are STORAGE ! ! STORAGE I tell you ! Who doesn 't need more storage ? ? Especially when you live in a 1600 square foot house . Lana liked helping with this part . So okay , I might like them more than the girls do . They even have a great new furniture smell . If you are looking for bunk beds , we got them on line at a place called bunkbedking . com No , I did not get paid to advertise for them . I wish . I just think they have a really great product at a fantastic price . They didn 't charge shipping either . Then as Andy and I got toward the end of putting the beds together , we noticed we were missing hardware pieces . Nothing that would hurt the beds from being used . They were for the railing for the stairs . To be honest , I don 't know if they shorted us or we misplaced them . I 'm willing to bet it was the latter . So I emailed the company and told them which parts we needed and within two days I received a package with the parts , plus extra . The top pain in the ass bunk . All of us are happy with this purchase , even though it did mean taking out the toddler beds and admitting completely that I have big kids now . That part was a bit hard for both Andy and me . My babies are all in big girl beds , making them big girls and not babies . Sucks . Then sometimes it doesn 't . Like when I remember that I don 't change diapers , and they can all tell me what they are crying about . Still , it 's hard to face how fast they are growing up . The only thing that helps is how very little and cute they look in those huge twin beds . I know though that in a few years they will fill those up too . Well , Georgia will at least . Posted by I 'm a 40 year old stay at home mom of 3 girls . I love being with them , but some days they drive me to drink , literally . My husband , Andy , is a fantastic daddy and a great husband . He makes me laugh every day . Even though this is not where I thought I 'd end up , it 's starting to feel more like it 's where I am supposed to be . Starting this blog has helped me with that . |
Tag Archives : fictions Daily Post : Tremble ( Science Fiction ) ' How is my baby ? ' I ask the doctor . He looks like he is going to say something but then he stops . He looks away from me for a second while I wait for his face to show any sign of trouble . He is old , definitely more than 150 years old as his silicon skin has developed wrinkles . His hair is starting to gray and his irises are dissolving into his eye substrate . He looks at me again and says ' Lucy should be fine . Her operation was not without consequences but she made it through . As you may know , consciousness implantation is hardly done on 8 year old kids . The brain is just not strong enough to sustain the imaging . ' He pauses expecting more questions from me . I don 't want to ask questions , I want to stand up and shout at him to tell me how is my daughter . I couldn 't do that though , this man is trying to save my daughter . I grab on to the seat posts and squeeze to control my anger . I hope he does not notice my white knuckles . ' She is still under medication , so we do not know how will she be when she wakes up . Her medication should wear off in the next two hours . ' he finishes . I take a deep breath . Lucy is alive and sleeping for now . Nothing has happened to her , and when she wakes up she should be completely okay . A lot of people have done consciousness implantation , they always turn out okay . I turned out okay and my implantation was 50 years ago ! Surely the technology has advanced enough for Lucy to be completely fine . She should be able to live a long life , her new body should be able to take care of her mind . I thank him and go out of his office to call my relatives and friends . Most of them went home during the implantation surgery , even though it was only 6 hours long . Those were the longest 6 hours of my life . I spend the entire time calling people and lastly I call up my parents to inform them . They had been living for nearly 200 years now and yet they still have trouble using holograms . They always know how to make me smile with their simplicity . She looks at me and smiles . I smile back , hope surging through my heart . I pick up her hand to hold her and say I am here sweety everything is going to be just fine . The two sergeants in front of Copper had never heard their lieutenant speak like this . Copper was a nimble man , full of courtesy and diplomacy . No other man had stayed in charge for as long as Copper has and that is because of how he speaks . The masked surface was under attack now as there was a new kind of trouble on the streets . ' Sir , most of the victims or witnesses , as you put it , say that the train was under attack . There was a metal - tentacled man who killed off the driver and then screwed up the controls . They say they don 't know how the vigilante stopped the train but they are glad that he did . ' Sergent Jones iterated . Copper nodded , his face focused on the statement . He wanted to find a flaw in the witness statement but there was none . Sargent Jones and Sargent Hunter have been over the witness statements a couple of times . No one said anything out of the ordinary . No one had seen or heard anything to further their investigation about the vigilante . This troubled Copper , this vigilante 's face was one of the most sought after thing currently in the city . No mask ! The vigilante was saving the city for months now and yet no one had come forward with any information as to what this vigilante looked like ? Was he a blonde ? A Caucasian guy or an African - American guy ? ' Alright , go out again . I want you to canvas the area , find me someone who can tell me if this vigilante is a kid , an adult or a 70 year old veteran . Find me something until I call the Mayor and ask him a favor . ' Copper paused contemplating telling his sargents about the favor . He decided he could trust them both . Fiction : Burying my companions secrets I am killing some zombies on my PlayZ console . The console and the game are really ancient at this point and I have mastered the game by now . But it is still crazy . I want to buy some new game , maybe military FPS this time but my mom wouldn 't give me any money . What 's the point of earning so much money if no one enjoys it ? ! To make it worse my damn WiFi is down . Some construction work at the end of the street and now no one has any network . It 's like living in the freaking apocalypse only without any zombies to kill . I get a call from Adam . " Hey buddy what are you doing ? " He asks loudly on the phone in his cocky English accent . I hate it when he calls me and talks like that . He knows it . Damn ! He did it again . I want to shout on the phone , throw my phone away in anger . But it won 't matter to him . I know him too well . We are outside Adam 's house , in the backyard with only moonlight to help guide us . It is drizzling and in five minutes my clothes are damp from sweat and rain . If our moms found out that we are outside instead of studying then she would kill us . She will never find out though . Headshot then . Damn impressive on my friend 's part . But I will not tell him that , instead I need to beat some sense into his head . We buried a body last week , ten feet from where we are standing . The grave is closer to the tree and he joked about how the tree will get more minerals now . Asshole . I am trying to frame an argument to persuade him to be more cautious in his hobby but so far I have got nothing . So I just dig , both our shovels hitting the ground and prying the soil loose . Crunch , crunch . The sound of the shovels in sync . After another ten minutes we are done . I stand up straight , my left hand holding the shovel while my right wipes the water from my forehead . I look over at Adam , he was looking at the body and I could see a smile on his face Then he looks over at me and I can see his eyes glittering . If anyone would look at him no one will be able to guess that he killed two people in two weeks . He was small , slightly round and stood with his legs pressed together . His milk white skin was beading with water but he didn 't mind . I have to try something . " Hell yeah ! " He can 't keep his excitement out of his voice . " Oh you should have seen me buddy , I was so good . I hid behind a … " " No witnesses , and I learned how to find a good spot . You must know it by now too . " He stops and waits , but I don 't know what he is talking about . " The new PlayZ ! This time we kill zombies and humans . They can 't keep putting us against zombies all the time can they ? In the series , there is zombies outside the city which is barricaded . We have to go outside in the day to kill zombies and in the night eliminate the opponents . However if we mess up and get caught game over ! " He says expecting a praise . I don 't give him one . I guess he is right . But that doesn 't change anything , and I just need to get it out of my mouth . " Allison Martin , George Washington , Philip Mathews . Do you remember those names ? They were all over the news recently , for the exact same thing . They killed and they were caught ! The characters in the games and real life are different . People and cops think buddy . You can 't keep killing people in the same manner as you kill them in the game ! They will catch you ! " I turn towards the body , ready to throw it in the grave . I hear him move a little , the sound of leaves rustling underneath his feet alert me . But not nearly as early enough . Guest Blogger # 3 : Kailash Nath Interview After I published my call for guest bloggers , Kailash here responded . I have read his fictions via daily post comments and I can say he is a really talented writer . His blog is full of fiction pieces that will entice you into reading more of his posts . I am Kailash , and presently working as a Software Engineer . I am 21 years old and Like to sing ( Though not a great singer ) , write , read and also travel . Theres nothing much other than that to know about me . . I started telling stories since I met one of my friend who used to believe everything I say . One day he suggested me to write whatever I say and it becomes something interesting to read and like that i started a story and have got a good feedback from my friends and this encouraged me . I dont like to say lies like I feel great while writing or something like that as I dont feel so . But whenever I see someone reading my story and telling their opinion I like myself … . So I write to be happy and like myself And the tips … . I myself am a amateur writer so I need tips from some seniors … Some of the tips I got were to maintain tempo of the story neatly not rather fast nor very slow … Another tip was to give more attention to the characterisation of the different roles in the story . . anything and everything that a person in the story does should match their character and it should not change drastically … . Thats it about me . Grandpa lay gasping for breath . He is a stubborn old man ; he wouldn 't admit he is too frail for a hike . We left our house about two hours ago to reach the summit of the hill . He would always verbosely describe his childhood achievements and all of the stories would have him and the hill in common . So today I challenged him to climb the hill again . Grandma was furious at me to voice even such a dare , but grandpa did it . And whenever he was winded , he would tell the best tales . He began . ' My grandfather also brought me to hikes . He loved them . Then we stayed in a different place but when I bought this house I had one requirement : a nearby hill ' . He nodded and took a deep breath as if he tried to soak in the nature . I wasn 't following his harangue but I was rapt . My grandpa told tales that brought the entire village to a standstill , there 's something about his words that bonds you to them , to him . ' Circle of Life ? ' I asked . He seemed pleased with my answer and smiled . He raised his hand and ruffles my hair . I hated whenever someone else did it but I liked it when he did that . ' So life repeats itself ? ' I asked again dubious of my own comprehension . He thought about it for a while ' Most of the times . ' he knew I didn 't understand completely so he let loose a sigh and started again . ' Read history son , it is recurring . Some tyrant rises , some heroes die , so on and so forth . Take people son , they always make the same mistake again . Life is cruel because it does the same trick on you all the time and you fall for it . ' Now I understood his point . I was only 9 year old then but the implications of the same wouldn 't dawn on me until I was 25 and broke . But I had one more question for him . ' And time grandpa ? ' He smiled again , I remember a hint of sadness was there ' Of course time is a round too . Why do you think clocks are circular ? ' He could not see others in misery , their pain weakened his knees . He couldn 't imagine a world with sorrow and suffering . All he ever wanted to was to bring smile to everyone 's face . Bad hated the world . He wanted to inflict pain on others . Make fun of them . Bully them . And every blow given to Good only made Bad more heinous . He just wanted to make the world burn . He hated God , for he hated himself too . He hated his brothers but he hated someone else hurting them more . Whimsical and tyrannical , he sought to make sure that when he gained control of world , he would remember everyone who brought him to his knees would suffer . Third sat on the throne . His cavalier manner , indulgence and negligence exacerbated everything . After all , Third decoded to sit on the throne only till either of the two brothers become victorious just so he could be on his way . The huge metal exoskeleton looked at him . His red LED eyes could be surmised at being bloodshot . And his gargantuan arms had lifted a SUV off the ground . The internal mechanisms of the automation seemed to sound more and more like ragged breaths . Andrew gulped . And as suddenly as that the automation went inanimate . The SUV still lifted off the ground by at least ten feet , the automation turned off . Andrew was confused . The automation shouldn 't be turned off now , not when another needs to go below the SUV and repair it . Shawn continued " If they spend thousands of dollars making these machines can 't they look a little less horrible . I mean look at it , all the cables popping out of his limbs , cables all over him . If you have a figment of my imagination , that looks like a crabbed old man . Um wait , it also looks like your granddad Andrew . " They both laughed at the similarities between the machine and the loving granddad . Shawn was always like that , he could smell if anyone had any difficulty and would always come to aid . They both talked for a while and then continued to move towards the cafeteria . The entire factory was deserted . Most of the workers were on strike , opposite the factory . Strike was simple , stop using machines , it increases their chances of getting a pink slip . A couple of the other issues , unions and certain interested parties also had their motives in the strike . But the main concern was this . Workers are being replaced by machines . " Can 't say . They always go to strike these days . Every issue it seems is solved by strikes . But I don 't think they should be concerned with they getting replaced by machines . " " Um , we are replacing them aren 't we ? That 's what those machines are for ? " " Yeah but they , are forgetting something . Who is gonna make those machines ? We are . That 's right , the authorities are so darn impressed by these bots that they are considering building a separate factory just to make that . And then sell the machines of course . " Andrew couldn 't help but think about Terminator . His face must have shown it because Shawn continued , " You see the bosses are not very keen on mass termination of employees " Andrew looked sharply at Shawn who snickered a laugh and continued " You aren 't looking at the bigger picture here . The more bigger the neighboring new factory is gonna be , the more employees they are gonna handle . We have employees who are loyal just there , doing nothing . They are great in mechanics and auto machinery . Perfect for new factory . " Shawn has a point . " After all these machines aren 't here to steal people 's jobs , they are here so that people couldn 't work more . Simple jobs that require the employees only to press buttons . " " You must have forgotten something . Even if we are turning this town into machines , who makes these machines ? Well we do . And as long as the machines are there , there are jobs ! " We all have strange relationships with punctuation - do you overuse exclamation marks ? Do you avoid semicolons like the plague ? What type of punctuation could you never live without ? Tell us all about your punctuation quirks ! ) Kay : Oh come on ! Pause a bit . There are full stops and commas in English language for this purpose exactly . You are very difficult to understand when you keep babbling like this . Dave : Ha . Ha . Ha . You . Are . So . Stupid . At . Times . Jon . Quentin sighed . Three weeks it has been and almost every time they meet they hardly come to a decision . And as usual he kept his silence . Jon would have continued but professor William walked into their conversation . Quentin regretted this already . Meeting and discussing their project in the college university was a mistake . If someone overheard them their ideas could easily be stolen . A big university like this had a lot of people competing for attention . And now Jon was speaking of cheating . And a professor had overheard them . William : Don 't mind ' e . I 'm jus ' passin ' by . But couldn 't help 't overh ' r you talkin ' about cheatin ' ? You made me in homage . You made me in resemblance to someone . Mostly someone great . Someone you never met . Someone you read about in your history books . But you made me . I was black ceramic , lustrous in my birth . I stood in that posture that you wanted . That posture which must have become an identity . And I stood my ground . I was proud . Head held high . Broaden chest . My eyes turned towards the skies , yet I still saw those who stood beneath me . And I stood my ground . But years went by . You held speeches around me . You wore clothes like I wear . As if that makes you like me . You paid your respects to me on one day of the year . And I stood my ground . I stood in the sun . No shade for my eyes . No relief for my skin . I lost my lustre . But I gave shade for those who couldn 't find shade . I stood my ground . I drenched in the rains . Saw the city flooded , with water seeping into my ankles . Water made cracks in my unscathed skin . And I still stood my ground . Birds chirped on my shoulders . And gave their offerings there . Cats and dogs dogs slept against my legs . I didn 't move . I stood my ground . This place became acknowledged by a new name . I changed the name . I became a landmark . Guess that is how you make people remember the dead . Make them part of the diurnal routes . I achieved my goal . Now I am leaving . Maybe people will run witnessing me move . I 'll definitely be on their phones and whatnot . But I stood my ground . Now I want to sit . And bath in the nearby lake . Your local electronics store has just started selling time machines , anywhere doors , and invisibility helmets . You can only afford one . Which of these do you buy , and why ? They have to come up with something that no website sells . Or at rates nobody offers . Both unfeasible options . Or shut down Original Electronics like every other shop on the street . She wouldn 't be surprised if one day people sold babies and pets online too . Something everybody wants , she thought again . Maybe its time to check what that scientist has made . As she entered scientist 's workplace she was amazed . Everything was so organized . Nobody expected him to be organized , seeing how he hardly shaved or combed his hair . Thank god he baths , was what her boyfriend had said about him . " Shit ! " She exclaimed . From where did he get the money to make robots . And that robot looks like … . She couldn 't place it , but familiar it looked . And then there was a gush of wind which blew her hair astray . She looked back and saw the scientist closing a door . A door which was never there initially , or even a month ago when she rented the place to him . " Door ? Of course I made it . What do you think I was so happily about ? Yes yes I am so happy . What is that you ask ? " " Oh it is the best thing I have made this week . This week yes yes . Brand new ! It was such a headache to make this one . I didn 't sleep or take a bath in last three days . No no I didn 't . " And into her house . She stopped dead in her tracks and he hit her from behind . How is this possible ? ! Her house is half way across town . He became his own self again . He started screaming again " I did it ! I did it ! " And ran through the house . Meanwhile she stood there trying to process of what just happened . She couldn 't understand . How ! How ! HOW ! " I made it . I call it a Door to Anywhere ! " He looked at her expectedly but she didn 't reply . He continued " It is so simple . Simple . You think of where you want to go , walk through the door and you reach there on the same day within moments . Isn 't it amazing ? " Clarice stood dumbfounded . It can 't be possible , it must be a dream . She thought . She slapped herself just to be sure . The Slap hurt but she realized that this is her reality . He didn 't stop talking . " … and I have made so many things . I made a inexhaustible battery . I made a sticky gloves . I made a helmet that will make you invisible ! And wait this is the best … . . I made a TIME MACHINE ! " THIS CANNOT BE POSSIBLE . A month ago this crazy looking scientists begged her for a place for his workshop . And now he could make things like these . She no longer was dubious of his claims , she had a proof of that herself . " There is just one problem . Once you leave through this door and close it , there is no going back " He looked ashamed of this . Clarice couldn 't help it , she burst out laughing . She kissed him there , and the look on his face made it even more funnier for her . Tell us about one thing ( or more ) that you promised yourself you 'd accomplish by the end of the year . How would you feel once you do ? What if you don 't ? ) Someone said it right , a bartender is the best kind of priest for confession . But harry wasn 't here for confession . His obsession had brought him here . A year ago he attended his office 's New Year 's Eve bash . He had fun . He drank , joked , laughed and occasionally flirted with every girl that could consciously move . She was one of the best girls he saw . Brunette , hair tied behind her head in a bun , still dressed in her office clothes she walked in . Her round face and tiny eyes , which even from far he saw were blue . A smile slowly spread across her face as he interacted with others , and he saw that smiling came easy to her . Her smile had an exuberance he never saw before in anyone before . At first he assumed that he will forget her with time ; after all he didn 't even know her name . But he saw her everywhere . Every female colleague looked like her , every cute smile had dimples , every tied hair like her . He couldn 't get her out of his head . Her face was ingrained in his brain . He drank to forget her . He tried dating other girls but none were interesting any more . Every couple was a reminder of them . And he felt bitter and jealous towards everyone of them . He knew it was wrong but he couldn 't help himself . He didn 't know how . And sometime in April he understood . He ran the party but he couldn 't leave . Somehow he had made a decision to talk to that girl . Somehow his new years resolution included that girl . His new years resolution was that girl . And now , a year later he sat in the bar , cursing himself . Tired of this jealously . Tired of his obsession . Even a psychiatrist couldn 't help him . December 31 , 2011 . Some one played the radio and the song turned to " You are beautiful " . He sighed . No use pretending now , and began to sing the song . He didn 't move . He saw her , observed her . He doesn 't know or understand why but now he did not want to go and talk with her . He just wanted to see . Joan 's father came in her room . He saw her playing with her iPad two . He shook his head . That thing was way too ancient to be considered a plaything . Her father didn 't know what to do now . But he had come to a decision . The iPad had to go . All those expensive gadgets down in her room weren 't for show keeping . " Joan ? " " Sorry girl , you have the newest iPad twelve . This thing has to go . " And with that he took the iPad two from her hands as she started crying and walked away . He had to . Everyone is looking at him to give a great oral exam . He is expecting himself to give a great exam . He is a great speaker . And more so than anything else , he knows that all he needs is portray confidence . He may only know the half answer but he could convince the examiner that he knows the entire on the back of his hand . His turn comes , like always he is just numb . The nervousness and anxiety of the exam vanished minutes before his turn comes . As he enters there 's no trembling of hands , no rapid thumping of heart . All that comes before and after the exam . But during exam only numbness . But today , things didn 't go his way . He expected to walk out with a smile on his face but now all he could do was try to understand where he went wrong . And he knows where . He expected himself to do great . And he fell short of his expectations . That 's me . Yesterday 's exam . It didn 't go great . I was overconfident . I took it for granted that my exam will go great . These expectations are just from the top of my head . My day is filled with more of these . And as conditions go , some expectations are weighted more than others . I don 't their burden . I already put too much burden on myself . And I can 't change myself because I don 't know how to . I don 't want others to expect more from me . That is why I like laying low at times ( don 't look at me , don 't expect anything from me ) . I suffer because I expect too much from me . I can 't help it . I never could stop myself ( any advice appreciated ) . And I face disappointment at the end . Followed by some curses directed at myself for the said disappointment . And it isn 't just me that I expect too much . I expect too much from friends , my parents , hell I even expect my dog to become an ideal Hachiko someday . Too many disappointments from this side to . So here I am saying that expectations for me is something I don 't know how to control . They are never joyous , never fulfilled and yet are always there at the back of my mind . I guess this is why I come off as a very competitive bastard . Lisa made coffee . It was the fifth coffee in the last three hours . But she had to stay awake as she had her presentation in an hour in the office . She quickly freshened up , changed and headed for office . With no time for making breakfast , she headed out buying burgers from nearest Junk food store . She ate while she rode in the cab . And when she reached office she quickly gave some finishing touches to her presentation . She had a lot of trouble on her computer , as it was all filled up with unnecessary junk stuff . She has been meaning to delete the junk . She went out with her friends for dinner . She called her boyfriend over also . And when with friends celebrating , health concerns go out of the window . When her meal was almost over she realized that she had more calories in the last three days than she did in the entire week . She realized she had to start working out again . Her boyfriend came over and she excused herself from her friends . He told her to come over to his place , said it has been weeks and she too deserved a break . She politely tried to decline when he burst into rage , shouted and stormed off . With all her friends staring at her , she couldn 't take it and when to quietly weep in the washroom . She convinced herself that it wasn 't his fault . That it will be okay after a while , he will let it go after a while . Next day back in the office , she was dumped with a lot of paperwork . Again stressed over so much workload , she asked Tom to help her . He complied and sat with her till the work was done . And all the while he made her talk about herself , listened to her opinions . As it was a little late in the night , he also dropped her off to her home . She admitted her disappointment in her friends as none stayed to help her . She turned from the doorway and looked at him . The ambient light was not enough for him to see her face . But he could hear the shy smile in her reply . He turned and started walking home . And he was overwhelmed with the intensity of emotions he felt . He hadn 't felt like this since . . since he was 17 years old and out on his first date . And now twenty years later , he could still feel the same torrent of emotions pushing him towards her , pushing him to go knock on her again . He walked and suddenly became aware that the streetlights were brighter now . He turned and saw the hamburger cart standing on the side of the road . He had an urge to eat there , hog down each and every burger , though he just had dinner . He felt a shy smile coming on his lips , a redness on his face . He couldn 't help but imagining himself with her . Future dates , more fun , more excitement . Usually after office he went home alone , but today he stayed late . Because she had asked for help . He didn 't know her very well . Nor did she . But he helped her nonetheless . After office they went to a nearby food cart like the hamburger one , and ate some Chinese . She talked . He talked . And after a while he connected with her . She listened to whatever he said . And he spoke , uttered such confessions that he hadn 't shared with anyone . She had a way with him . She listened to everything he had to say . So he spoke . And spoke . The loneliness he used to feel in office was suddenly gone . He could say whatever he wanted to ! Without worrying about what she thought . And what 's even better he could see , see with clarity in her eyes that she understood him . Understood his feelings , understood his motivation , his strength , his vulnerability . And all she took was about fifteen minutes . Fifteen minutes of talking with her and all his guard was down . And while walking home , she spoke . She spoke of her family , her ambition , her likes and dislikes . And surprisingly she spoke with such honestly that he hadn 't heard from any other girl . Tomorrow , he thought enthusiastically , Tomorrow I 'll see her again . Tomorrow I 'll ask her out again . Spend more time with her . She was perfect in every sense of the word . And then he heard her . He turned and saw a woman of his age , tall and slender get out of a cab . And after seeing her , his smile melted away , all his emotions plummeting to sudden disappointment . Reality came rushing in , like a giant wave crashing down on his just made sandcastle . " There is something , I know . After all I have known you for last ten years . I surely know my husband 's mood by now . " She said in mockery . He took a shower , dressed back into his work cloths . Tie lose , the top button of his shirt undone . With his suit in his left hand and laptop case in his right he left for work . On the way he stopped at a Chinese food outlet . Bought some chicken noodles and ate them for breakfast . On the way to office he checked out other people . Tired and exhausted people all around . On the other side of the road he saw youngsters waiting in the line to get into a new morning club . He checked his watch , it was 9 . 30pm . He was late for work . " Working late again Mr . Bank ? " The guard asked Johnathan . He smiled half heartily , suddenly his tiredness catching up . His shoulders slumped and eyes became heavier . He reached the seventh floor , the only one in his office to be at this time . Everybody will arrive by 8 . 30pm . But he had work to do . He had to work on the reports that his boss had given him . He set out to his cabin , in his mind recalling all the mistakes of his report and then he set out to work . He rechecked the calculations in the logistics , redid the entire memo . By the time he was done it was already 7 . 30pm . People had started coming in , but the top authorities will come a bit late he knew . His boss arrived and as soon as she reached her cabin she shouted " I need those reports John and I need them first thing . " John hesitantly nodded , then got up with his reports and approached her . He gave her the reports and she glanced over them . She went inside , dismissing him completely . Good . The reports were done . Now all he has to do is wait for her approval . His tiredness waning , he felt better . He buttoned the top button , straightening his tie . He spent the rest of the day joking with his companions oblivious of the fact that none of them came early today to help him out . As the time ticked away he did some other work and as the clock showed 10am he packed his laptop in the case and left . He left with all his friends and had dinner with them in the nearby cafe . Nothing like freshly brewed coffee for dinner . What are the three most memorable moments - good or bad , happy or sad I have written posts similar to the prompt before too . My post ephemeral feelings , make them linger are somewhat similar too . So this time I 'm writing a fictional story on the mentioned prompt . He stepped on the gas , making his Ford SUV to go even faster . He was trying so hard not to look back and ponder over what all he had lost . James always loved SUVs and now , not how he wanted to , he got to try the power of the said SUV . Although he always wanted to , now the power of SUV had no effect on him . He just kept accelerating , ignoring the speedometer . He had blurred vision , he was trying so hard not to cry . Not to breakdown . Not to stop . But his mind kept going back to the hospital . To his wife 's face . To the agonized look she had in her last moments of her life . It was an hour ago when she started gasping and panting . Doctors rushed in to help , gave her some medicines and tried to look for the problem . Now even if they do find the reason it was already too late to be of any assistance to his wife . He could recollect the moment , so clearly in his mind . He held her hand , murmuring words , telling her their daughters sleep patterns . Telling her which school they will send their daughter to . Anything and everything regarding their daughter . So she will hold on to her life , hold on to her husband 's hand . She took a last breath and she let go . And just a moment ago what was a weak grabbing hand was now a limp weight . And it was all too much for James . Two days ago he was the happiest man alive . A healthy daughter . He recalled the moment when he held their daughter for the first time . So small and fragile . Pink colored cheeks , eyes which opened for a second , and it seemed that saw her father and closed again back into slumber . As he sat beside his wife who now held their daughter , he could see the tears which came unbidden from her eyes . She smiled with such fierce joy and proud upon holding their daughter . Back to present . He slammed the brakes on his SUV . And slumped in his driver 's seat , sobbing quietly . Memories from the past now came forth , resurfacing . He could recollect their wedding . How stunning his wife looked in that white dress . He almost forgot his vows after seeing her . He remembered their first date , seven years after they first met . And just after they started dating he lost his father . The loss , the pain he felt when he received the terrible news . He recalled his father in the coffin , looking as he always looked . Just without his smile . Just without the verve he had . He recalled every one of his success , every one of her success . He recalled his graduation . He knew his wife then only by name . In fact he could recall calling her a slut behind her back . Loss was a constant companion of his he guessed . He lost his mother when he was ten . And he father a few years ago . Now his wife . His love . He recalled his mother 's homemade pies on Sunday . And he could recall the look of joy on his parents face when he did his first stage performance . He shook his head , still crying . The stage performance . That was from when he was eight years old . He didn 't know he could still recollect that old memory . All those years ago , he was part of a play . He was just a tree at the time . But his parents supported him . And they encouraged him . The picture on the dining table , one in which he was dressed in the tree outfit broke long time ago . Suddenly running away from his problems was not an option . He had to be there for his daughter . Their daughter . Be there for her like his parents were there for him |
Harley is the second of the two cats my daughter , Jennifer , adopted from the FCCR & SNC ( Fort Collins Cat Rescue and Spay Neuter Clinic ) to help out in the barn , be barn cats . Her real name is Harlequin which means clown . Well , she doesn 't act like a clown although , being a Tortie with her face looking like it had been painted one color on one side and another color on the other side , she looks like a clown . At this moment she is in rehabilitation . After coming originally to our barn , hanging around while Diego ( barn cat # 1 ) was there , one day she dashed out the door . It was weeks before we saw her again , although the neighbors told us she had taken up residence in their barn . Problem was , the neighbors left on a trip , thought they saw her in their barn before they left . But they didn 't . Turns out she was closed up in the garage . After 3 days of not seeing her , I became suspicious . I went over , tried the door to their garage and it opened . At first I didn 't hear anything . So I called her name . Pretty soon I heard a weak meow . The garage was so cluttered I couldn 't even walk in much past the door . As soon as I rattled the food dish I heard her meow come closer . So I left food and water . The next morning and for the next day after that I left food for her and it had gotten slicked up by the time I arrived . I knew she could not stay in the neighbor 's garage . I had to see if Jennifer would be willing to take her in her house too , to join Diego who had become unexpected house cat number one . ( read about Diego ) She agreed and we decided she needed a large cage for protection and one that would hold her litter box , feed dishes , a scratching and climbing post and a blanket . But the biggest hurdle was Jennifer 's husband . He didn 't want any cats in the house . Such is the way of strange happenings . So Harley has an inside home for a while . Till March First . We 'll see . Harley has been rehabilitating from being an outdoor / feral / barn cat . I think it could work . She still hisses when something startles her but she purrs a lot , too . Temporarily she stays in the Great Dane sized enclosure . Soon she will not remember that she was an outdoor cat . The kids love her and love taking care of her . I think the next thing I will do is see if I can pick her up out of her cage and carry her around the basement . I might even put a harness on her too . Now , I go to bed every cold night and thank the great Cat Protector above that she is safe and warm inside … for now . Posted by I 'm certain Diego had a plan . And he had almost everything worked out . The one that didn 't go as planned was the length of time he spent at the FCCR . ( Fort Collins Cat Rescue and Spay Neuter Clinic ) It was a heck of a lot better than wandering around scavaging for food , trying to understand why he was abandoned , but still , after a few weeks like this you would be crotchety too . Getting hurt in a territory dispute at his new adopted family 's barn wasn 't planned either . But it did put him in the position to get what he wanted ; an indoor home with plenty of room and freedom to choose where he was going to sleep and who he would adopt as his most trusted person . His week to ten days having to live inside and wear the Elizabethan collar set it up for him . After that it was clear , he didn 't want to be a barn cat , he wanted to be a house cat . We now think he had been a house cat all along . He wiggled his way into the routine . First he slept in his crate , then on the bed in the basement and then on a pile of hunting clothes . One day he actually sneaked outside when no one was looking but came right back in . Hummm , he was no dummy . Then one night when it was stormy he came upstairs and slept in mom and dad 's bed . After that he discovered a hiding place in a closet . He slipped through the dog door once in a while but he always came back . He even came when he was called . But the best thing he did was hook up with one of the 6 yr . olds . Tyler began to carry him to his room . Diego began to sleep there . Sometimes Tyler had a difficult time getting to sleep . His mom or dad would often need to lie down with him . But now that was Diego 's job . Diego had found his man . It was his plan . Diego and Harley , the cats my daughter adopted from the Fort Collins Cat Rescue to be barn cats , got out of the barn the first night they were there even though the barn doors were closed . The next morning my husband told me he had heard cats growling outside the house that night . When we checked the barn we found they were both gone . I couldn 't believe it . Even that time we had been in the barn the first afternoon , Harley stayed in the enclosure in the stall stall and Diego explored a little of the rest of the barn but seemed unwilling to get close to the outside . I thought they would be so happy to be out of cages they would settle into their new larger digs happy even though still wary . About 9 : 30 the next night I heard what I thought was soft meowing . I did ! It came from the huge tree in our back yard . I grabbed a flashlight and ran out in my P . J . 's and slippers and there was Harley . Just out of reach in the crook of a30 ft . tree . Harley would have none of it I could almost touch her . Because of her muted Tortie coat she was hard to see but certainly scurrying higher the closer I got . About that time Jennifer and her husband Miles came running out of their house We ended up having to leave her there and hope she would come for food in the morning . Up early the next morning I headed out to feed the horses , hopefully calling the two cats . I caught a movement out the corner of my eye . And there sitting in the crook of the tree sat Diego . Now , I thought , considering his reputation he would most likely run away when I got close to him . But he not only let me pick him up , he was purring . He stayed in my arms all the way into the barn . I opened the can of cat food and as I was giving him some I heard another small meow . I looked up and there was Harley . She had come through the next stall that was filled with hay , climbed up the hay bales , and the wall , balanced on the rafters and was looking down at me . The minute she smelled the food she was down on the ground joining Diego , gobbling up the food . I couldn 't believe my eyes . I wish I could say all was well after that . But things just got more complicated . It seems , the sounds of cats fighting the night before was the sounds of cats fighting . Diego had a large wound on the back of his neck . It looked like a bite or it could have been a cut from some wire or metal around the barn . I didn 't notice it right away but after a few days it looked like it was bleeding . During this time , Diego didn 't go outside the barn even when the doors were open . Harley did disappear but appeared again . It was a noisy place . The neighbors chickens regularly flew over the fence and ended up in our barn looking for handouts . This brought the grandkids in . It certainly was not conducive to quietly getting used to a place . Even though I treated Diego 's wound it was not getting better . So Jennifer asked me if I would take him to her vet . I was still treating Diego a bit gingerly but he was a gentleman as I loaded him up in the carrier and drove him to the vet . Each new thing he tried , he seemed familiar with , going to the vet , being examined , getting a shot and worse of all having his wound cleaned out . It seems that my treatment of it had helped because it had already started healing and sure enough it was an abscess . But the biggest shocker was that this outdoor cat ( I was wondering about this ) was going to have to wear a lampshade and he was going to have to be kept in the house for a week to ten days so his wound would heal . Now , from the beginning Jennifer had wanted barn cats . Not house cats . Her husband was not in favor of having cats in the house . But spunky as my daughter is and ready for pretty much anything she said OK let 's fix him a place , Miles will be OK . So in a corner of their basement we set up a wire crate with blankets , open to the rest of the basement , food and a litter box and a little room divider that would keep the dog and kids out at least for a while . He made his decision , he walked in and immediately made himself at home and began to snoop . He stretched , followed the kids aroPosted by Each Wednesday morning when I volunteer for the Fort Collins Cat Rescue I go in and greet the kitties before I get down to the chores . I check the list of those that have been adopted first and I am happy for the ones that have been adopted but also sad . I miss them all when they go . But then there is also sadness because once in a while we have a cat that for unclear reasons has been in the shelter longer than the 3 to 4 week stay for most of them . Occasionally we have ones that have been in the shelter for months . Sometimes it just takes some time for a cat to get over being scared and to get comfortable with people but that long of a stay is unusual . And at times we have a personality problem . Diego was such a cat , a sturdy male with golden eyes , solid black , just plain solid . But he had a temper . You had to be careful cleaning his cage . I had a few scratches on the back of my hand to attest to it . It was true , Diego hated being in a cage and he took it out on everyone . So the day my daughter , Jennifer informed me we needed some cats in our barn to keep the mice at bay and asked me if the FCCR had any cats that could be barn cats I was very hesitant . First of all I knew the FCCR only adopted to homes and second of all barn cats in our area had been lost to coyotes and foxes . But this would be her deal . I already had 4 cats in my house including one former barn cat I brought in when the temperature dropped below zero . But that is another story . I had heard that , as an exception , since Diego had been in the shelter for months without anyone wanting to adopt him , that he would be a candidate for being a barn cat . He certainly seemed to have an anti - social attitude . The day we went to the shelter to check we discovered a very busy place . Lots of adoptions were going on . Jennifer had decided that she wanted to adopt two cats and as it turned out another cat was a candidate for barn cat status . Harlequin , a small tortie ( tortoise shell is a black and brown color ) cat that had been picked up along with her babies , had just weaned the kittens and they had been adopted . She was still looking for a home . and was very shy . She was on the wild side too . Jennifer 's 3 kids ( 4 and 6 yr olds ) came along . The two cats peeked out of their cages with forlorn looks on their faces . When the kids saw Diego and Harlequin they fell in love with them So after the required paper work we took them home to the barn . My daughter and I live on the same property and our two families share the barn and horse barn chores . We had an empty stall where I set up an enclosure I inherited from another cat shelter . I felt we could keep them there till they got used to being in a new place . But my daughter had other ideas . She thought it would be better for them to get used to their surroundings right away . And she was right . At least at first . Once out of their carriers they both nosed around , found food and water and a litter box . Harlequin ( Harley ) found a soft place to lie down and Diego marched to the center of the stall , stretched out and looked at us as if to say . " I 'll take it " Next : Diego 's Choice I was born horse crazy . I think most of you know this . In 1969 I was thrown from a horse named ' Watch Me ' during a fake fox hunt ( more like capture the flag ) outside Boulder , Colorado . I was thrown off while we were jumping a stream . There were muddy banks and his feet slipped . I landed on my head and because I went into convulsions I was taken to the hospital . I ended up with a concussion and a whiplash injury . Lucky I was wearing a hard hat or I would not be writing this . Ever since then I have blamed this accident for any number of crazy things I have done in my life . But that is another story , I wanted to tell you one that really did change my life and the way I looked at things . So we lived in Boulder during the " Age of Aquarius , " the 60 's and 70 's . Later that year I bought a Thoroughbred mare . I had decided if I was going to ride , I wanted to ride my own horse . She had been an unsuccessful race horse and I was convinced she could become a good all - around . all purpose horse . She was a pretty bay . ( brown with black mane and tail ) Several things got in the way . Along with the momma came the baby . I was blissfully unaware of what that meant . Watching them sprint around the new green pasture heads up , mane and tails whipping in the wind grabbed me . I named the three week old filly Sing Song from a song in the Broadway musical " Hair " which had come to Boulder that spring . I named the mare Fancy One day , after a spirited gallop , Fancy and Sing Song , the filly , was still trying to manage her unsteady legs . She was not able to stop quickly enough to keep her from slamming into a barbed wire fence . She cut her chest open in a jagged three - corner tear from her neck to above her front legs . It happened before we even had made arrangements to move them to the property where we were planning to board them . My desire to ride and train one horse took a back seat to caring for this dreadful wound in the other . It could not be stitched except on the corners because it had to heal from the inside out . As I worked on the wound I gentled her . Soon , she lost her fear of me and became a pretty good patient . It was amazing but by mid - summer the wound had closed , small infections were cleaned out right away and she was on anti - biotics . As much as I could do for her , she had the main job herself . And she did it . By the end of august her coat had grown over the area , By the time she started to grow her winter coat , you could not even see a scar . This is truly what healing looks like and even in Boulder in the 60 's it didn 't have anything to do with Pot . Sing Song was treated , given assurance , calmed , and she definitely had youth on her side . What I learned though , was that I have to pay attention , to watch for things that bring hope and be willing to be partners with them . I know there is within minds , bodies , and spirits a natural healing force that is always seeking to move toward health and wholeness . I want it to be my partner . Sing Song showed me that . I collect too many things . As a result I have had to devise extensive systems to keep stuff organized . Most of the stuff I keep has to do with animals ; cats , dogs , horses , endangered , farm etc . All animals I guess . But , I keep lots of quotes and stories about them . So I came across a piece the other day by Dr . Michel Klein who wrote a book , " Animals , My Teachers ; An Autobiography of a Veterinary Surgeon " . The book was part of The Companion Book Club and published by Harvill Press , London in 1975 . I think this came from this book . I do know it came from him . I thought those who read my blog , knowing it is about animals , will appreciate it . " It is animals as much as human beings , from the tiniest Yorkshire terrier to living colossi such as Siberian tigers or Indian Elephants , that have made me what I am . It is by observing , tending and consorting with them that I have come to terms with my own humanity . Not only have they disclosed that I too am an animal , but the recognition of certain animal virtues in myself and my fellow men has made me more tolerant of our human failings . " It is to satisfy a passion which gradually overcame me and has never ceased to grow : to restore the animals place in a world dominated by man , a place we encroach on by steadily destroying and looting its habitat . Man without animals condemns himself to inhumanity . My task is to protect them , draw them closer to us , promote our knowledge and love of them . Four of our six grandkids lined up next to the fence . Bailey was saddled and ready to go , especially since each of the kids had a treat extended to him on small hands flattened so he could slurp the treats into his mouth . Avery was first , the 5 yr old girl twin is the most interested in horses , and animals of all sorts . Her feet actually extended to the stirrups of the small children 's western saddle cinched around the old white horse 's belly . The last time she rode the horse had been a while ago and she had not quite reached the stirrups . She held on to the halter rope that was tied onto the halter like reins and off she went , being led by my daughter , Jennifer . Once around the huge arena , then it was Ambers turn . Amber was the youngest at weeks before her fourth birthday and the one who had to tangle with two , 5 yr old twin brothers . Since Jennifer was her mom and she had access to Bailey and had been on him a little more , she was more comfortable and able to turn and stop him by herself . Tyler , Jennifer 's boy twin was next and then came Kyran , the oldest of my son 's 3 . They both took a turn turning and stopping Bailey too . By the time the horse finished with giving them all rides he was limping on his arthritic front legs . He was in pain even with the ' bute ' ( like aspirin ) he had been given and the featherweight riders . But he was willing and seemed to enjoy the attention and the treats . Bailey was a gift . But then all horses are gifts . Even the ones you want to tear your hair out about , like Sassy , the Arabian mare I adopted from the Colorado Horse Rescue a few years ago . But that is another story . When he first arrived at Fossil Ridge Farm it was confusing for a while because we had another Bailey . The other Bailey was a dog . So we referred to him as Bailey the Horse which sounded kind of like a football player . In his prime Bailey was not a football player , but he was an athlete . He is an AQHA registered Quarter Horse and a big gangly guy . He performed rodeo duties for ten years in team roping competition . But he is retired now , doesn 't do that anymore . He is occasionally a pleasure riding horse ( when he feels like it ) and what is called ' bombproof , ' a horse for the kids . He is steady and slow and doesn 't go any faster than he has to . He is perfect for my grandkids which consist of : two sets of twins , all 5 years old , a 3 yr old and a 7 year old . Bailey showed up in 2009 and now he is 21 years old . He was born in Iowa and his birth name is Sonoitabee , which sounds like a native American name . He is still a ladies man and when there are mares around he won 't stop flirting with them . But , Oh well . It keeps him young . He has it good around here . Of all the dogs we ' fostered over the years , Bailey was my favorite . He wore gangly long legs that he seemed to take forever to grow into but when he did , what a beauty . He was a Hungarian Pointer with a taffy colored coat , a short tail ( clipped ) and the most expressive golden eyes you have ever seen . Bailey lived with us while his mom ( our daughter ) lived with us for a while and off and on when she was off seeking her fortune . Soon enough though , he was by her side every minute he could . Hiking , biking , running with her , chasing frisbees or just stretched out in a sun spot on the rug , he embodied high energy but at the same time a sweetness that could take your breath away . Even though he failed his hunting test , he was a hunting dog through and through . He was very smart and even when he had cats and other dogs to contend with he was the top dog . Having had multiple dogs , cats and horses by the time Bailey grew into his elderly years it was a major sadness when we knew his time was short , it didn 't make it easier . When he finally did come in from chasing rabbits and following every enticing scent he could , to lie down his last time we stayed with him . . . After 14 years of high energy , this Frisbee loving Vizsla went over the rainbow bridge . Up until even a week earlier he was pushing his stiff old muscles to a - r - r - r - r and to jump in a raggedy kind of way . But two or three days ago there was a sudden drop in energy level , he couldn 't make it to the yard when he needed to . Then yesterday he came by our house . We had the back door open and he just wandered in and laid down on the carpet to rest . We didn 't even know he was there until we almost stumbled over him . He looked up at me and then stood up unsteadily and headed for the door to go back home . I took him home . I walked with him the few hundred yards to his house . He moved very slowly , at a bit of an angle , lifted a leg off the ground and peed , kind of sideways . I told him it was OK . He didn 't need to be embarrassed . When we got to his house he took the easier steps up to the porch then found his way to his bed . Some stories are sad stories . There is just no way to get around it . I was so sad to see him uncomfortable and in pain . He finally shifted his weight and was able to lie down . Later that night I got a call from my daughter . " Bailey 's not doing very well " , she said . I asked her what she was going to do and she said she guessed she would be calling her vet to come out . She had made arrangements a year ago to have the vet make a house call if and when it was necessary . Bailey had suffered through several cancer operations and bravely lived with an angiosarcoma condition for a year , bleeding from skin lesions fairly often even while he chased rabbits and played . He hadn 't been quite as much of a bully with his younger sister Vizsla , Annie over the last few years . Annie is now ten , so is showing some age herself , along with the same cancer condition that Bailey has had . Only , being younger , she has stayed energetic . I feel sorry for her . She will miss him greatly . So today , I spent the morning sitting with Bailey and his ' people ' . Jennifer and Miles both were home . T , he vet made arrangements to come out to the house , after changing her schedule at her office . I had planned to stay to be there but the vet ended up being late and I had to leave to go to a writing retreat . While I was there we all told stories about our favorite memories of Bailey and his 14 wonderful years . It didn 't matter how much he grew or how long his legs were he would always climb into our laps . He was the best Frisbee catcher in the family , he even taught our dog Magic ( Cocker Spaniel / Lab ) how to play catch , he became a babysitter to my young niece 's daughter when they visited one Christmas , crawling on his belly and pushing his nose up to the edge of the baby blanket while she laid on the floor . I know you haven 't heard about Jake for a while but let me tell you , he has been busy ! In April there was a national library week and Jake was invited to participate . He appeared at three libraries in one week . I went along to observe when he went to the downtown library . He enchanted everyone he met . He knows how to meet the kids and to be an ambassador for his breed ( Korat ) and for the Fort Collins Cat Rescue . It 's all a part of him being a celebrity . He has settled down quite a bit from when he first started going out on visits . He just seems to take it all in stride . But I don 't think his fame has gone to his head . The librarian had set out several cat books on a table for the children to look at while others were arriving . He knew exactly where he wanted to be and pretty soon , there he was sitting in the middle of the books . ( see picture ) He didn 't even knock over one . He sat confidently when he was introduced then promptly walked aver to the librarians basket full of goodies and climbed right in , ready to listen . Everyone laughed . He just smiled . He was in his element . After the stories were read , the librarian led the children in singing . Jake loved it too and laid down on the floor in front of where the children were sitting . Occasionally he would get up and walk right up to one of the kids to be petted . The best was when the group sang and danced the ' Hokey Pokey ' . The children stood up , singing , clapping , and twirling around and did Jake run away ? Not a chance . He just quietly sat and watched them , glad , I am sure , they were having a good time . He sure was Be on the look out for Jake . He has been going to schools and bookstores as well as nursing homes and libraries . Remember he 's a STAR . >^..^< What you see here is the beginning of an article I am working on . This quote sets the tone and is a metaphor for the material . I have been an advocate for animals all of my life . If you have read some of the posts I have written , you will understand why this quote caught my attention . At some point I will be including more excerpts from my article . Rev . Pamela Wolf Love all God 's Creatures , the whole of it and every grain of sand . Love every leaf , every ray of God 's light ! Love the animals , lovethe plants love everything . And if you love everything you willperceive the divine mystery in things . And once you have perceived it , you will begin to comprehend it ceaselessly more and more every day . And you will at last come to love the whole world with an abidinguniversal love . Father Zossima in Fyodor Dostoyevsky 's The Brothers Karamazov Annie was the second Vizsla to come into our lives . If you are not familiar with this breed , you ought to be . They are loving , athletic , smart , energetic , 40 - 50 lb lap dogs who wiggle their way into your life and heart and never let go , and they are beautiful . They look kind of like a taffy colored cross between a Weimeraner and a Greyhound . Annie is no exception . She is the second Vizsla because the first one in the family was Bailey . Annie and Bailey belong to our daughter Jennifer and her husband Miles . Now Bailey was the ' older brother ' . He always made sure his younger sister knew he was in charge , even as he aged to the point that not just his face but almost his whole body had turned gray . I suspect there was a lot more competition than we realized because when Bailey left us for the rainbow bridge , Annie stayed by his side , said good - by and then went to hide under the kitchen table to ponder the situation for a while . She worked it out in her own doggie way . Then I think she began to love being the ' only dog ' for a change . She loves her position in her family ( squarely under the dinner table with her head in your lap waiting for a handout ) and adores her daily runs on the urban acreage located on the edge of town . So she has mice and rabbits to chase in nearby fields to her heart 's content . As important as these are though , birds are more important . After all she is a bird dog . To be a little more accurate , a Vizsla is a hunting dog developed in Germany as a pointer as apposed to a retriever . Something got lost with Annie though , she is an excellent chaser with pointing coming is as an afterthought . The two matching dogs were the only ' kids ' in the family for several years and had a big adjustment when our grandchildren , first the twins , Cory and Tyler and then Amber , the younger sister , came along . Annie had some issues to work out , was jealous and growled warnings but never bit . She tolerated being drug around the house going for ' walks ' and giving up her spot on the sofa . We know Annie well because she lived with us off and on . She always knew her place when she was here , even though she was delighted when she could bother the cats and clean their cat boxes once in a while . But more than anything I think she has been a pal , entertaining everyone with her silly antics . She delights with her mischievous golden eyes and lopsided grin and is best known for her ecstatic plunges in the hot tub . She shows up at our door ( we live next door to our daughter ) at dinner time or when she needs a drink of water after a run . That 's OK Annie , we 'll ' leave the door open for ya ' . It is not the kind of thing I want to write about but I think I owe it to a grieving horse owner and her horse to at least remember the few months we boarded Aggie at Fossil Ridge Farm . Agatha ( her full name ) was born in Germany . Her breeding was regal . She was a Hanoverian , a breed that carried hot Arabian blood as well as the blood of the cold climate horses like the Clydesdales . In her time she had been a talented dressage horse , she may have also been a jumper , but I am not sure about that . More than that , she was a personable horse who nickered to you and was always friendly . A beautiful dark bay , she stood over 16 hands tall and had a lovely face and alert eyes . When she came to our barn she was 23 yrs old and had already had a bout with colic that almost took her life . We were feeding her supplements as well as a special oil to help prevent it from happening again . But on the morning of December 24th 2010 we found her , waiting for someone to come so she could let go . She was leaning against the side of the barn , head down , covered with sweat and saliva where she had been biting at her sides . No telling how long she had suffered . We automatically got a halter on her and tried to walk her a few steps to see if it would relieve her . She collapsed in that spot and died within minutes . She probably suffered what is often fatal to a horse , a twisted gut or severe colic . Now , more than two months later I grieve for her in the only way I can when I lose an animal who had such presence ; with sadness but appreciation for the beauty she brought into my life . I came across this poem written by another horse owner who had lost her horse . This is for Aggie and for Kayla I wanted to share it with everyone . Mookie and Lily . An unlikely pair , not by looking at them because they are both white and black Tuxedo cats . Lily is my oldest cat and Mookie the youngest . Lily lost her litter mate Callie several years ago . She and Callie were close buddies . But Callie got out one day soon after we came to the farm and did not come back . Lily grieved for a long time , hid under my bed for most of a year . She really was not pleased when I moved Taffy and Cookie in from the barn when they were kittens . She intimidated them so much that now when Taffy and Cookie are bigger she still does . After we got the 3 new barn kitties Lily would growl and glare out the window at them and also at any neighbor cat that wandered by . When Lily saw them she would stage a huge hissy fit . But one day our barn kitty , Moonbeam ( Mookie ) , sneaked up to the house and sat under a window and meowed . I observed an unusual sight . Lily just stared out the window at her . No growling , no hissing . When Moonbeam disappeared around the corner of the house Lily jumped down from the window and tried to follow her to the next window to get another view of her . I 'd never know if she thought it was Callie but her behavior made me think it was possible . Then it ended up that I had to bring Moonbeam into the house because she was the last barn cat . I hoped Lily would remember the initial experience . It was not to happen . But eventually I noticed that Lily was not hissing or growling at Moonbeam while she still did occasionally toward Taffy and Cookie . Then one day I was reading in the room where the sun came in onto the bed in a welcome warm spot on a cold day . Lily had not allowed another cat to be in that sun spot with her unless I intervened . Mookie came up and gingerly stretched out in a corner of the sun . Lily watched her lie down but there was no hissing or growling . Mookie was alert but didn 't move a muscle . Lily relaxed and in a minute , so did Mookie . As Lily relaxed she stretched out her back legs till one touchd Mookie on her leg . I held my breath . Lily was quiet . As they laid there together I realized it was the first time Lily had quietly touched another cat since we lost Callie . I was thankful . The days after Polka Dot disappeared were dark and cold for me . But I wasn 't the only one . Moonbeam was by herself in the barn . More than once I would go out just to make sure the heating pad was working in her ' warming house ' . It was more important now that there was no other cat for her to snuggle up with . The temperature had dropped to 10 degrees and would probably be below 0 before this cold snap was through with us . When it was this cold I didn 't see her very often . She stuck close to the barn . But she was alone . All the time now . I know it has ben said that that cats are by nature solitary , but I don 't believe it . Little Moonbeam with only one eye was vulnerable with her gregarious sister no longer helping her . So after mulling it over in my mind I casually mentioned to John that if it got down to 0 degrees I would have to see if I could bring her in the house . ( I knew it would not be just for a visit ) I knew I could probably pick her up and carry her in a carrier . I had been able to pick her up in the barn to doctor her once but if it didn 't work it would be hard get her to come in again . She had actually come into the house a few times on her own , poked her head around and then run right back out . So I planned this elaborate plan where I would bring her into the house in a carrier and let her out while I kept the other cats in another room She very graciously went into the carrier where I had placed some treats . I closed the door and picked her up . I didn 't hear a sound . I got her to the house and let her out and she sat hunched over for a minute and then started slinking across the kitchen , belly to the floor . That first time she was comfortable for only a minute and then loud protesting meows came out of her small body . When I opened the sliding door she darted out and headed for the barn . She found her own way . Over the next few days as the temperature dropped more I brought her in several times . Only now she would follow me to the house from the barn . No need for a carrier . After a while she stopped protesting and was able to explore the rest of the house quietly . The day came when it was time for her to come into the house . I set up a wire kennel in the walk - in closet so she would have a relatively small area to observe her suroundingd . I kept a towel over the cage too , for the same reason . The first night I kept her in the kennel all night . She quit meowing after a while . In the morning I let the other cats into the room . It was mostly a non - event for Cookie and Lily . They walked by with hardly a notice . But Taffy , the laid back , more social kitty walked up to the kennel and gave it a good sniffing over . No hisses or growls . And then the next thing I saw was Taffy lying down beside the cage . She was Moonbeam 's first friend . I added a nick - name to her , it was Mookie , and since it sounded so much like her old name she responded to it instantly . She had taken the first step well , we would see how the rest would go . And even I was starting to feel better . I have had to let up on writing my blogs for the past month or so . I 'm sorry about that . I was hurting more deeply than I realized because I just couldn 't bring myself to write much of anything . But after my personable , sweet feral / hoarded / barn kitty , disappeared I found way too many other things to do . ( anger ) Polka Dot had become even friendlier with me than my house cats , and I couldn 't believe I had let this happen . Each day for a couple of weeks I called for her but I didn 't have much hope . What made it even harder was the weather turned cold , very cold . I just couldn 't accept her being out in it . The only way I could think of her was if I convinced myself she had found a buddy and was in another barn or even a house where she might have been fed and had a warm place . ( denial ) I knew that since she was feral and we had recently sighted a red fox , it was a long shot . The only thing that made me feel better during that time was my house cats . I held Taffy - ta , my big furry orange tabby for a long time . She put up with my hugging a little longer than usual before she struggled to get down . And about this time , my shy , beautiful tortie , Cookie , was beginning to climb up on my lap as if she knew it was the right time to do that . Even moody , unpredictable black and white Lily , my Tuxedo kitty spent more time on my lap than usual , looking steadily into my eyes as if saying , " It 's going to be OK Mom , I 'm here " ( acceptance ) I 'd never thought about the power of touch in this way but it 's thanks to my kitties I made it through those first few weeks . Since Polka Dot disappeared lots of things have happened . I have some more cat stories coming up as well as a horse and dog story . Don 't miss " Mookie Moves In " , next . My goal is to write a post every other week . Welcome back . I am a poet , writer and photographer . I have always been involved in some form of artistic expression . I am now retired from the Presbyterian church where I was most involved with social issues and education . My husband and I have 6 grandchildren including 2 sets of twins . I volunteer for animal rescue groups and am interested in helping pet owners with grief and loss issues . I now live with my extended family on an urban horse farm in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains . You 'll love getting to know Jake . Cheer him on as you readhow his spirit and determinationcarry him through his challenges . Find out how he managesto discover his gift and his royal ancestry . This is a story for all ages . Buy online at Amazon . com or TulipTreePub . comVisit Jake the Therapy Cat on Facebook Contact the author : pam - wolf @ comcast . net |
A story about home and navigating the claims it has on you - featuring a funeral , a farm , and some naked swimming . written by Dudley Cruse Nathan stood at the top of the long driveway watching as the last car bumped its way through the gate and onto the dirt road that led down the avenue of tall pines , out across the farm towards the main road . He pressed the button on the small remote in his hand and , at the bottom of the drive , the electric gate jumped into life , rumbling along its track , shutting with a small metallic clang . For a few seconds he stood still , watching the car 's tail - lights disappearing in the low , dusk light . Stars were already appearing overhead as sunset waned in the western sky , disappearing behind the distant hills and mountains . Even after three days of being back he was still shocked by how quickly it got dark here . It was like someone had suddenly thrown a hood over the world . He turned then and walked up the driveway towards the house . He could see all the lights already on , and through the big front windows the empty living room waited to be cleared and tidied . He walked into the house and shut the front door behind him , leaning his back against it , his head against the hard surface of it . His suit suddenly felt incredibly tight and restrictive and with a sigh he loosened his tie and undid the top button of his shirt . He ran his hand through his hair , pushing his fringe from his forehead . From the kitchen he heard the noise of plates being scraped and loaded into the sink to be washed . He hesitated , wondering if he should go and help , but instead he turned into the lounge , picking up a large , empty bin bag lying half - open on the floor . Working his way around the room , he began filling it with the empty beer cans and wine bottles that decorated every surface . I 'd forgotten what vultures those people are , his sister said , walking back into the room carrying an empty tray . She put it down in the space he 'd cleared on the coffee table and began stacking used wine glasses on it . She still wore her formal shoes and black dress , but had pulled her long blonde hair back from her face , tying it in a low ponytail . She seemed to focus her words on each glass as she moved it onto the tray saying , Someone dies and they come out of the hills ready to weep at the funeral , then eat all of the food , and drink all of our wine , and complain about local politics to each other as if nothing has happened . Some of them go to one of these every week . It 's like an outing for them . She waved him away . She stood up just as suddenly as she had sat down . Just exhausted . I haven 't slept for a week , I think . He looked at her face and realised for the first time that she had aged since he last saw her - of course she had , but he 'd somehow not noticed in the rush of arriving at the airport and the funeral preparations and then all of the people he hadn 't seen for years arriving to witness their grief . Around her mouth new lines had been drawn , now accentuated by the lack of sleep . He wanted to say something then , to make her feel better , but before he could , she stooped to pick up the loaded tray and walked back out of the room into the corridor that led to the big kitchen at the back of the house . The funeral had been as dry as expected , no wailing or sobbing , a few quiet sniffles from his nieces and his sister 's eyes looked red - rimmed - as they had been since he 'd arrived three days before . He felt , for a moment as they stood singing his father 's favourite hymn , a sudden rising of tears , a strangling in his throat that threatened to overwhelm him just for a second . But , by taking a deep breath and concentrating hard , he had fought it off , and the moment had passed . He was damned if he was going to deliver the hysterics they all expected from him now . It was only when walking out of the church that he 'd seen Katrina , sitting in the last pew with her middle - aged daughter and a woman he didn 't know , weeping openly , bent over with her head resting on the pew in front of her , hands clasped together in prayer over her head , her back heaving with sobs . He wanted to weep then . Wanted to join her on his knees and weep for his father , for her , for himself - but he didn 't . There were people to greet outside , arrangements to be made to get everyone to the house . Now , throwing cans and used napkins into the bin bag , he worked his way across the room methodically , clearing each surface - the coffee table , each side table , the top of the piano , and then the mantelpiece above the old fireplace . Here he stopped . A framed photograph stood there in amongst the bric - a - brac his father had collected , one of the few photographs on display in a house mostly still hung with watercolours and oils by local artists his mother had admired . But here in full view , slightly yellowed with age , were the five of them together - his father , mother , and the three kids - standing on a beach somewhere looking into the sun . His mother was shading her eyes with her hand , her face covered in shadow . The rest of them stood squinting in their swimming costumes - James tall and big chested , with his arm slung confidently around their father 's shoulders , Helen , only just into puberty , hiding much of her body behind a towel wrapped tightly around her , and then Nathan , significantly younger than the others , skinny and pale , standing with one hand on his hip , dark hair flopping into his face . I 'd forgotten how camp I was , Nathan said , looking over his shoulder at her , smiling . I mean … look at me . Poor kid . Well , she said , stopping for a moment , used wine glass in hand , You were a bit camp . I was fat . We all had our problems . Ha , he said softly . The truth hurts . Go find us some wine so we can all have a drink , finally , before you have to go back to your husband and children . Here 's the last lot , he said as he walked into the kitchen and through to the scullery where Katrina was up to her elbows in dishes and soapsuds . She had changed out of the formal dress and gloves she 'd worn to the funeral and was wearing her work uniform , her hair hidden under a cloth tied at the base of her neck . The young woman he didn 't know , who 'd sat with her at the church service was there too , helping her dry and stack the cleaned plates . Again Nathan didn 't recognise her , couldn 't place her . She was beautiful , her skin darker than Katrina 's , her hair uncovered and perfectly set . She still wore the dress she 'd had on at the church . Katrina glanced at him , made an annoyed clicking sound with her mouth and said , No , go help your sister . Go find your brother . We finish here . I suppose this is her house more than ours now , he said . None of us have lived here for ages . She 's been here longer . You remember what she was like when mom died . She didn 't leave the house for weeks . She slept in the lounge , got up , fed us , dressed us , sent us to school - while dad just lay in his bed grieving . Course I am . He stuck his arms up into the air , and now they could see where he was : a long shadow lounging on a wicker couch on the far side of the veranda . As his eyes adjusted to the low light , Nathan could make out his brother 's shape : a body taking up the entire couch , his now bare feet hanging off the edge , his head on a cushion propped against a wicker arm . No . You 've had enough , Helen said , sitting down and letting out a deep , long sigh . Nathan sat down in the chair next to her , fatigue suddenly overtaking him . They sat in silence then , the three of them on the veranda of their father 's old house . The night air cooled around them quickly , while the sound of the women finishing up in the kitchen drifted out through the open windows . A breeze rustled the leaves of the great big trees that grew next to the house . In the distance the sound of traffic on the main road could just be heard . I 'm surprised you came at all , James said , still lying down , speaking directly up towards the ceiling rather than looking at either of them . I mean , the guy was a bit of a shit to you . I wouldn 't have come . Definitely not all the way from London . Shit , I almost didn 't come and I only live in Joburg , and dad used to think the sun shone out my arse . Oh be quiet James . I asked him to come , Helen said , letting out a sigh . I asked him and he came because I asked . You 're just angry with dad about the farm and this whole land claim business , and because he didn 't ask your advice . Silence again . This time broken only by the surprising sound of a jackal crying somewhere out in the bush that lay beyond the orchards . A shiver ran down Nathan 's spine . Still , even now , even after all this time , there was still a wildness to the place . Dawn . Nathan sat on the veranda , gripping a hot mug of tea in his hands . He blew on it , sending a cloud of steam out into the air . It was cold . Dew hung heavy on the trees , carpeted the lawn , and formed droplets along the wires of the electric security fence that ringed the enormous garden . The sun was just coming up over the hills to the east . The world was , in that moment , almost unbearably quiet . He remembered sitting here on this couch , with his siblings on either side of him , as their father sat opposite and explained to them that their mother had been in a car accident and wouldn 't be coming home . He was eight , his feet only just touched the floor , scuffing back and forth on the polished , black slate . Helen started crying next to him . James stood up and ran off into the garden . Nathan just sat there , unsure what to do , what to think or feel . He looked at his father 's face , at his hands clasped between his knees , his right thumb rubbing the back of his left hand over and over . Sleeping in his old bedroom had been the most disconcerting thing . Lying in the narrow single bed , its duvet cover the same pattern as ten years ago , with the light falling through the window , the familiar smell of the house , the silence of the farm leaching through the walls - he felt a rising panic , as if he was being pulled out of his own life and into another , as if he were being drowned in another existence . He had spent a decade making himself into who he was , and here , in this place , all his work could be blown away , washed off of him like a layer of camouflage paint , like mud from a stone washed in a river . It had started before he 'd even arrived , as he sat in his seat on the small plane from Johannesburg . Staring out the window he watched the landscape below become the rolling hills and granite domes he knew , huge rocky outcrops emerging from the winter - brown vegetation , looming over the towns and villages scattered between them . Here was a central mystery of modern life : how , only hours before , had he been on the other side of the world and now , after one night 's sleep in a seat , with little sense of actual motion , how was he here ? His brain was still trying to catch up , still trying to process what had happened . In the car she talked him through the arrangements . The funeral is in two days , she said stopping at a traffic light and glancing at him for a second , before looking forward again , readying herself to pull off as soon as the light turned green . I 've booked the big Methodist church and ordered flowers . We 're not having the casket in the church for the service , dad would have hated that and it always gives me the creeps anyway . He 's being cremated after that . She clicked her tongue at him and shook her head , Well you couldn 't have done it from London anyway . I 'm just the closest . James is coming down from Joburg tomorrow morning . You know him , speeding in and then speeding out again … . Nathan jumped , spilling tea from his mug onto the dark slate tiles of the veranda . Shit . It slopped over his hand , dripped down his arm . Shit , you fucking scared the shit out of me , he said . He sat in the big armchair next to Nathan with his legs swung over the arm , lying back as far as he could while still being able to sip at his coffee . It was still cold , but he wore nothing but a tiny pair of boxer shorts . His long legs were covered in blonde hair , while on his chest the thick , thatch - coloured hair was beginning to grey . This is nothing , James says . You should feel what it 's like in Joburg in winter . My bedroom is like minus three in the morning . No central heating here like you wimps have overseas . Anyway , he said , cutting Nathan off , Why would you care ? You haven 't been home in ten years . You barely spoke to the old man after you fucked off to varsity . Necessary , James said . Friend of dad 's was murdered in his own home just before you left , remember ? Just down the road . Gang broke in , he went for his shot gun , stupidly , and they filled him with bullets . The road was a hard packed , single - track dirt road . On either side avocado trees loomed through the tall , yellowed grass . It was turning into a clear and bright winter 's day . The windows of James 's Land Rover were open and the cool air flowed around them through the car . I 'm not , he said , glancing at Nathan , I swear . I walked through the orchards with him a lot when I was a kid , before mom died . He 'd fondle the leaves , talking to them , telling them they were going to have record fruit that year . The car 's engine revved as James dropped a gear , the road climbing over a low ridge . Nathan stuck his hand out the window , feeling the air pull at it . The smell of the farm - of dust and earth and grass and trees and cold , hard air - rose as the sun grew warmer . Me ? James said , accelerating as they crested the hill and descended the other side . Suddenly rows and rows of trees , blocks and blocks of orchard , were laid out in front of them , stretching down to the dried riverbed hidden in a tangle of thorn bush and trees . James shakes his head , No . I mean , yes , I thought that at the time maybe , but that was just what I thought I had to think . You know , it was what dad talked about all the fucking time - when you 're in charge , when you 're the farmer here … It was never real to me really . I mean . I also wanted to be an astronaut , right ? No . It was when you were still at university and you were in some play that was on in Joburg . He drove up and went to see it . He only told Helen like two years ago . The old farm manager 's house stood surrounded by trees in a large field at the top of an orchard . It was small , single story , painted white , with an old fashioned , corrugated steel roof shining in the bright sunlight . Two tractors and an old pick up truck were parked in the wide yard . As James parked the car Nathan could see Samuel working with two labourers , loading compost into the back of the pick up , heaving the bags up , two at a time . As they walked towards him he turned and nodded at them , his face grave , serious . He was being sensitive to the fact there had been a funeral the day before , but Nathan wanted to grin at him . Wanted to run up to him and clap him on both shoulders and say : As they talked , as Samuel indulged James , pretending this city boy knew anything about the running of the farm , that he had any real right to ask questions , Nathan studied him . Here he was , all grown up . He seemed bigger in every way in real life - his arms thicker , his shoulders wider . His face somehow stronger than when they were in their early twenties , the last time he 'd seen him , harder , less open - the dark skin on his face more tightly drawn . Gone too was the rebellious Afro , his hair now neatly trimmed . Nathan wanted to embrace him as his friend , wanted to talk , wanted to somehow explain why he had not been home . But this man seemed a stranger really . How could he be the same skinny black kid who had swum in the farm dam with him almost every day of the summer school holidays ? The kid he 'd shot birds with using a catapult , the kid who 'd hid with him in the avo orchard to ambush farm workers . The kid who 'd seemed so much a part of the family , but wasn 't really allowed to be . Through the screen door to the kitchen behind Samuel , Nathan could see Katrina standing watching them speak to her grandson . The screen made the expression on her face difficult to read . Just then , Thobeka walked around the corner of the house . She was dressed smartly , like an office worker , her handbag slung over her shoulder , her feet in pointed high heel shoes . She stopped when she saw them , her eyes fixing on Nathan again and he felt himself squirm under her quiet scrutiny . He noticed then how violently red her nails were painted , how striking she was . Not as shy as he had first thought , obviously . No , that 's fine , we can 't come in , thank you , James said to Samuel . We need to go . I 'm going back to Joburg tomorrow , and we have to start clearing the house . Nathan wanted to stay and talk , he wanted to go in and talk to Katrina - talk to her about his father , about Samuel , and to share her grief too . He wanted to tell her about his life now , what he did , who he was . But his brother had already turned back to the car and Nathan had to follow him . He nodded at Samuel , shook his hand once more , and said , I 'll try and come visit again before I go . In the car James was silent . He accelerated too quickly down the road from the house , the car throwing up a cloud of dust into the air . In the passenger seat , Nathan was preoccupied with his own thoughts . He didn 't notice how quickly they were driving until he looked up to see they were rushing towards a T - junction , a tall row of pines suddenly confronting them . He grabbed his brother 's arm and James slammed on the brakes . The heavy car skidded on the loose dirt road , coming to a grinding stop . Breathing heavily , James slammed his hand into the steering wheel and shouted - a sort of guttural animal noise . He leant slowly forward until his forehead came to rest on his hands that clutched at the top of the steering wheel , his back heaved with deep , ragged sobbing . James said nothing , didn 't even look at him . Slowly , carefully , Nathan lowered himself to the ground next to him until he sat with his back against the car , his elbows resting on his raised up knees , their shoulders almost touching . He thought of things he should say , questions he should ask , but kept quiet , waiting . It was like when you were on stage and you knew the other actor in your scene had the next line and you had to wait for them to deliver it , had to wait out his pause , not leap in and interrupt them . I never even wanted this place , this farm , this life , but now that it might be taken away I 'm desperate for it . I 'm a forty - one - year - old man who has only just realised what he 's lost . Fucking idiot . James looked at him then , turning his head to the side and looking him in the eye . You know when everything really changed , he said . It wasn 't when mom died . I mean , that sucked , and dad disappeared for like two months , but then we just carried on . You know when things actually changed , like the family stopped being a family at all ? James let out a deep sigh . He picked at the dirt of the road between his legs , drawing a circle with his fingertip . It was when you finally , properly left to go to London , to go to drama school after university . Dad sort of gave up on us then , you and me , I think . I know . Jesus . I mean , he threw you out the house , right ? But I think that was when he realised you weren 't going to step in and take my place and that was why he decided Samuel was the only way to keep the farm in the family , in a way . That was why , when the land claim came , he started thinking that even if he sold it , Samuel could get the lease to run it , keep it together . Nope . Neither did I until two months ago . I was going through dad 's papers when he was in hospital and I found the contract . I 'm not even sure if Samuel knew before I told him . No . Zip . You can have it all , James said . The three of them were sat around the dining room table , their plates from lunch still in front of them . Nathan could see Helen calming herself , could she her taking a careful breath , just like she had when they were children and James was trying her patience . Fine , she said . That means I 'll have to find homes for most of the furniture . I 'll take what I want and Nate can take anything he 'd like . I can always keep stuff for you , she said turning to him , until we can ship some of it to you maybe . It 's fine , but please don 't imagine I was here looking after him feeling sorry for myself , hating you for your glamorous life in London while I had to watch him become a child and then a scarecrow . You 're fucking wrong . I felt privileged to be here . She pulled a face at him and said , I am just tired of people pitying me because I 'm not James , a big successful banker , and I 'm not you doing Shakespeare plays in London . I chose this life . I chose to get married , have children , to live in my hometown and stay friends with my high school friends and stay near dad too . You were . You won 't remember her much , but you looked the most like mom . You have the same eyes , the same hair flopping into your face all the time . She looked at him then suddenly and said , Do you remember that big fire on the farm ? You were fourteen I think . It was during the Christmas holidays so you were back from boarding school . Yes , hold on , let me think . It was really dry that year , the rains hadn 't come yet and the bush around the farm was brown and dry , the pine plantations in the mountains were so dry too . And the fire came from the mountains and came straight for the farm , and we all rushed out on the bakkies with fire beaters and the water truck came from the Van Rensbergs next door . And you got lost in the fire . One minute you were there and then you had disappeared behind a wall of smoke . Everyone was rushing around beating out the fires starting in the grass and they hadn 't noticed you were gone . I just remember dad 's face when he realised . The panic . I 'd never seen him look like that . I remember . When they found me , he looked fucking terrified . At least until he started shouting at me for being such a fucking idiot , Nathan said . Nathan cut her off : He told me to leave the house and never come back . He threw me out Helen . He sent me money to cover some of my expenses at drama school a couple of times , but that was it . Over . I know . I know . But , she said , I think … I don 't know what I think actually . James never forgave him , you know . For what dad did to you . Christ no ! That became inevitable once the land claim was held up by the court . Dad didn 't have the will to fight it , and I 'm not sure he even thought that he should . He always talked about how at some stage there would have to be a reckoning over land in this country , and it hadn 't happened yet . Nathan let the words wash over him , Samuel 's voice deep and pleasant . It was one of those bizarrely warm days in what should have been near mid - winter . The sun had seemed to gain strength overnight . They turned a corner and he saw a team of workers up ahead , clustered around a number of tall macadamia trees . Samuel brought the bakkie to a stop by the side of the road and got out . Nathan watched as he walked up to the men - all dressed in brown , farm overalls and gumboots . Two of the men wore safety helmets and casually held chainsaws in their hands . Samuel shook the hand of each of the five men and waved to the two who were up in the branches of the tree . He turned then and motioned for Nathan to get out and come over . The gravel of the road crunched under his trainers as he walked over to them , feeling the eyes of the workmen on him , feeling them assessing him from behind hidden , well - practiced faces of passive indifference . As he approached , he heard Samuel talking to them in Swazi . He heard his name and the men all looked at him , looks of slight recognition on their faces as they shook his hand . He got the first handshake entirely wrong , forgetting the second grasping move of the hands , but after that he had it right . At one of the top fields where the cows were now kept , two men were trying to drive ten moody animals towards a shed . Before he knew what was happening , Nathan was standing in the muddy field , up to his ankles in cow shit , shoving a recalcitrant calf through a narrow gate , his hands planted firmly on its bony behind . As the animal finally bolted into the new field he slipped , was going down into the mud , when Samuel stopped his fall , grabbed him by the arm and pulled him up . Getting back into the car , his muscles aching a little , his shin throbbing from where he had been kicked , his legs splattered with mud and shit , Nathan started laughing . This is ridiculous , he said . Why do you even have cows ? They drove then in companionable silence . Samuel turned on the radio and an Afrikaans station popped up on the dial . His father must have set it the last time he was in the car . It 's broken , Samuel said . I can 't change the station and he laughed as an Afrikaans country song began playing . After a minute Nathan leant his head towards the speaker and said , What is she singing ? He reached over and turned the volume up . He struggled with the words , trying to hear their meaning , waiting for his brain to translate as best it could after all these years . Ha . Nathan said , leaning back in his seat , looking back out the window as the rows and rows of deep green trees sped by and fell out behind them . Overhead , the sky was a sharp bright blue , free of cloud . He turned his head and looked at Samuel and said , Where are we going ? The water in the dam was a rich red - brown colour , pregnant with the fine clay soil that washed down from the orchards up the hill . Nathan stood next to the car , looking down at the water . Behind him , Samuel was getting something out of the open back of the bakkie . With that he began to strip , pulling his work shirt over his head , his dark brown skin and even darker nipples suddenly exposed to the sun . Nathan looked away as his head emerged from the shirt , looked at the water in the dam again . Isn 't it too cold ? he said . The water I mean . Nathan looked at him then , as he pulled his shorts down to reveal a pair of striped boxers , as he turned and neatly folded his clothes on the grass . He glanced up at Nathan who was still debating whether to also strip down to his underwear . You know , he said , When I was a small kid I used to wonder if white people were white all over , all the way down … you know … ? With that , he pulled his boxers down , stepped out of them , and ran at the water at full tilt , crashing into it and , when it was up to his knees , diving in and disappearing beneath the surface . Quickly , before he could change his mind , Nathan pulled off his t - shirt , shorts and the white briefs he wore underneath . Now naked , he ran to the water . His pale torso and legs flashed as he ran into the dam , as Sam , treading water a little way out , watched him run , watched him throw himself into the water and then come up with a whoop as the cold took hold of him . As he lay on his back , staring up at the sky , he remembered that this was the dam in which he 'd sought refuge during the fire . This was where his dad had found him , up to his shoulders in the water , sheltering from the raging fire that cracked and roared through the dry grass and bushes that surrounded them . He 'd refused to come out when they called him , even though the fire had gone by then , even though the danger was over . It had taken half - an - hour to coax him , shivering , crying , from the water . He remembered the heat and the smoke of the fire , wandering through the orchards between litchi trees that caught on fire one by one , the fruit on the branches exploding , popping in the heat . He had never been so afraid in his whole life . He felt for certain he would die that day , that the smoke clawing at his throat would stop him breathing , that it would kill him before the flames even reached him . Now , floating in the dam , he shut his eyes and sank below the surface once more . Walking slowly out of the water he watched Samuel , still naked , openly watching him again . Watched as the other man trailed his eyes over his body , with its skin red from the cold , exposed to the sun and the air that stung as he dried . He sat down next to him on his own spread out t - shirt , bending his knees , resting his elbows on them . There was a pause , a moment during which a pair of Egyptian Geese made themselves known , landing on the water together , calling to the sky . The sun warmed their cold skin as the cold water dripped from them . Finally after a few minutes , Samuel said : You should come home more often . She has only known me like this . Plus her dad is a big man in the local government , so she 's fancier than me . Gogo was upset she was Zulu instead of Swazi , but she likes her now . In town , in a bar - I used to go there with my friends . You know , young and mad . And she was always so calm in the corner , so fine , so well dressed . I can 't believe she even looked at me , a farm boy , but she did . Yeah , he 's Danish . You know what Helen said to me when I first arrived ? She said , Don 't assume everyone knows about you , or everyone is okay with it . Keep it to yourself for now , especially around the servants … Yeah , Nathan said . He turned his head to the side like his sister did and slipped into a well - practised imitation of her voice : Black people don 't know gay people , not here . It 's not part of their culture , you know . Samuel probably has no idea … No , I don 't think it even crossed her mind , Nathan said . And suddenly he couldn 't stop laughing , his head between his knees , his shoulders shaking , he can 't stop laughing until , at some point , without realising it , he was crying . Hot tears fell from his eyes onto the grass ; his shoulders shuddered as he drew breath . He was crying and he couldn 't stop , no matter how hard he tried to draw breath , to still himself . And then Samuel lent over , had his arms around him , had turned him towards him and pulled him into an embrace , Nathan 's head resting on his shoulder . And Samuel leaned forward then and kissed him . Softly , but insistently he pushed their lips together and Nathan held his breath before pushing back . And for those moments he felt sixteen again , the blood pounding in his head , his entire being suddenly concentrated on the feeling , on the smell , on the taste of Samuel . And for a second he forgot who and where he was . Absolutely breathtaking Dudley ! Beautiful work . I love the detail , like forgetting the second part of the handshake . Looking forward to reading more . I love your work ! I 've learn some just right stuff here . Certainly value bookmarking for revisiting . I surprise how so much effort you put to create this sort of fantastic informative site . |
I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the west . Isaiah 43 : 5 Welcome to the Stolpe Adoption website . The journal of our experiences in the pursuit of adopting our daughter from China . Elizabeth has my sweet tooth . She loves cookies , candy , chocolate , you name it . Sam does too . David doesn 't . E has learned quickly the value of helping make cookies and that you get to lick the spoons and bowls . She loves this . Sam does too , but is now old enough to actually help . E and I made cookies a few weeks ago and she had a great time . I think she got a bath when we were done though . By the way , I love her hair in pig tails ! They are so cute and bouncy and funny . Even when she is fussing or whining at me , she is still super cute , so her hair is in pig tails a lot ! David really likes when they pig tails come out and her hair is still sort of in the shape of the pig tails . Posted by We usually have peas for our vegetable for dinner . They are my favorite , the kids too . David is getting better with them . The other day Sam put a pea in his tooth gap . It was so funny , we all cracked up . Elizabeth laughed too , then promptly did the same thing ! Of course when I had the camera out , she wouldn 't do it again . Posted by Wow , it has been a long time since I have posted on here . It just gets too much , with Facebook , emails , scrapbooking and this blog ! The kids are getting so big and E will even occasionally play with Sam . Tonight we went to the Milwaukee Domes for their evening concert series . We met our friend Matt there and his mom , Debbie . It was great to see them and fun to see the concert . It is pouring rain here today and it was raining in the Domes too . The kids had fun dancing and playing with Uncle Matt . It was great to see flowers , grass , plants and smell the wonderful smells . The show dome was decked out with Lego creations and trains . In two weeks we will go to Children 's Court to re - adopt Elizabeth . Then we can get her her WI birth certificate , then her social security number , then her US passport . At the end of March , ( 3 / 31 ) will be her one year anniversary with us ! I think we will mark the day with a trip to Chicago and Chinatown and a dinner party here . Posted by It is really hard to get a picture of Elizabeth actually smiling . I was really pleased to get this one . I also love the polka - dot shirt . Bridget and I took the kids to the museum last monday . They are sitting in caterpillar cocoon . This is at her two year old birthday party . Grammy made her a turtle cake . You can see pictures of the turtle cake at : http : / / www . travelswithchummy . blogspot . com / . I like this blog because it is an outlet for me . I get things bouncing around in my head and I need to get them out and writting a post is a good way to do that . Every now and then I get a comment that further helps me sort things out . I know the most of you like me to post pictures so you can see how big and how cute the kids are . Here are some recent pictures . Posted by We took Bitsy in today to see the Orthopedic Doctor for her re - check . We had not been there since September . They said she was doing really well and we don 't have to come back until July . Great news . The real story is that our appointment was for 12 : 40 . We got there on time and were taken back to the room right away . Then we waited until 1 : 15 to see the PA and then till 1 : 30 to see the doctor . Both were in there for about five minutes . She still needs to wear her brace at night and we need to keep doing her stretches . So far we have really lucked out with our " special needs " child . It has been a lot of trips to the doctors , but no surgeries and things are healing up really well . Christmas Eve we went out for dinner with my parents before church . The waitress was really taken by E and how cute she was . Sam too , was a real charmer that night . It is pretty obvious that she is adopted . My parents gushed about how this was her first Christmas here and all that . The waitress goes into this thing about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt , about what great people they are because they have adopted children from other countries and they are such good people for that . Then she goes on to say that David and I are just as good of people because we adopted E and rescued her . These conversations always make me really uncomfortable and I never know how to respond . I think I said something like , it is really different for normal people to adopt , or thanks . The truth is , we wanted a daughter . We wanted another child . We were not motivated by these altruistic tendencies of wanting to rescue a child from a bad situation . We wanted two kids , we wanted a girl , we wanted a relatively healthy child and we wanted to go to a country with a good adoption process and China fit those criteria . Yes , E benefits from our desires and yes she is in a better place and yes we got her out of a not so great place . We all win . But , really , the process started because we wanted a daughter , not to rescue a child . Now I am not sure of the motivations of celebrities . I don 't know them or their situations . I do know they seem to sail through the process in such a short time , unlike those of us who struggle through the process for years . Money can be a useful thing . So , there it is , my selfish confession . I need to think of a good comeback the next time someone compares me to Angelina Jolie . Like , " Yes , I know I am beautiful just like her " . Or , " no , I am not like Angelina , my husband is much more handsome . " Or , " thank you , I did it all for the good press it brought me too . " . Or , I could respond like I did to the waitress , " Can I have the fish fry and a Pepsi ? " Yesterday was E 's birthday . She is two ! Man is she ever two , but that is for another post . . . . . . Today we had her party and she enjoyed it . Grammy Fran made a turtle cake , actually two turtles . She was really excited and wanted to eat them right away . She got great pink and girly toys too ! Here is a picture of her eating the cake and ice cream . Posted by Yesterday we moved E into Sam 's room . We took the bunk beds apart so now they both have a twin bed . She seems to like it and Sam does too . He was really excited to have her in there . Hopefully it stays that way . This morning Sam was calling me in the monitor , " Mom , come down and get Bitsy , she is keeping me awake all night ! " " Mom , come down and get her ! " He tried to tell us she was up all night , but they both slept all night . Now they are both sleeping . It is so quiet here . We are hoping it helps her sleeping issues . Maybe when she wakes up in the night she won 't be scared and alone , since Sam is there . Also she has more room to move around with her brace and won 't be bumping the sides of the crib with it when she rolls over . Also , if she is upset , I can just go lay with her . It was worth a shot , her sleeping had gotten so bad , no one was sleeping , so it can only get better from here . This morning , E helped me make banana muffins . It was really messy , but she had a good time . It may not look like it from the pictures , but she still just gives me the stink eye when I take her picture . Posted by Since today was Monday , Elizabeth had Grandpa School . I volunteer in Sam 's class and E gets to go play with GPK . He usually has some field trip planned . Today it was the Mitchel Park Domes . For those of you not from Milwaukee , they are three big domes filled with plants . E loved it . He said she ran around touching and smelling all the plants . She did not like the arid dome too much since everything was prickly . While they were there a mom looked over at her and said , " Where did you get her ? " My dad said , " my daughter brought her over this morning . " She said , " no , what country ? " Dad said , she was available locally . The woman figured out Dad was not going to give her any information and she stopped asking . I have not had any rude people like that yet . Usually people are really curious , but nice . I thought Dad handled it really well . I am glad he was so quick with his comeback . This picture has nothing to do with the story , but it was taken on Saturday and I know you all like to see pictures . Posted by I imagine we will always wonder this with Elizabeth . What of her traits are nature and what are from nurture . It is more of a question with her than with Sam , we know about his gene pool . Since E has an older brother , her house is filled with Lego bricks , Matchbox cars , penguins and triceratops . She does love to play with those things , but she really loves the toy kitchen . We have had it since Sam was young and it was never really played with . Now , E loves it . Today she got out her baby dolls and was for the first time playing with them . She made beds for them and was taking care of them . I have not encouraged this , just made them available to her . I got her a tea set over the weekend , and she was so excited to have dishes for her kitchen . On Sunday we were at my brother 's house and she really enjoyed playing with the babies , stroller , and kitchen there . The picture above is at their house . She loves that duck and was trying to play with it and the baby carrier at the same time . I think this girl thing is just nature . When Sam was this age I tried so hard to get him to play like this , but he would not . Sometimes he would when he played with friends that were girls . So for Christmas and her birthday I think it will be an explosion of pink and girly for Elizabeth ! Here are some recent pictures : We just love her hair in pig tails , she always pulls them out and we also love this post - pigtail look ! On Sunday we went to the Christmas tree farm . The kids were all bundled up . E 's snow pants are way too big , but I can 't find them smaller . She did not like all the winter clothes . Pretty in Pink for Church . After E goes to bed we like to do special things with Sam . He has been really into playing Monopoly . This time he won big . He had all the money , all the properties , hotels on all of them . Daddy and Mommy had nothing . He loved it ! The game is helping him with his math skills too . Shhhh , don 't tell him he is learning and having fun ! Sometimes you just need some perspective . I complain so much about things and about E and how much harder she is than Sam . She is just different and I probably don 't really remember Sam at this age . He was probably trouble too and I have just forgotten . We got a box of clothes today from Mae . She was one of E 's " sisters " in the orphanage . Her parents Maureen and Stu are just great and we miss them a lot . One piece was the pajamas E is wearing in the picture . It is cheesy , but reminds me that Life is Good . The wrapping on her fingers is to keep her from picking at her face . In case you were wondering . Posted by People always ask if E is a good eater . Probably because that is a normal question to ask of kids , probably because she is so tiny and they wonder if she eats and probably because she is from China and they might think she would have had a hard time adjusting to our food and only want to eat rice with chopsticks . I always say she only likes to eat what ever Sam is eating . Grandpa Kent calls it , OPF , Other People 's Food . Sam is so good about sharing his food with her . Speaking of Grandpa Kent , she has been having a great time going over to visit him . He has come up with silly games to play with her and she loves it . She still adores Grammy too . I can 't even mention their names in front of her because she gets all excited and goes to look out the window for them . Now that E is walking her personality is really changing . She is a bit more independent and getting really funny . She is also a huge tease . The funny thing is that I can give her directions and she follows them . I am not used to that at all . Sam and David never follow my directions . I can hand her something and tell her take it to Sam and she will . They can even be a few steps . She will go in the bathroom drawers , take something out to play with and then put it back in the right drawer . This is amazing to me . No one else in our house does that . I hope I can keep her love of putting things away strong . The kids and David went to Discovery World to see a display of Star Wars robots . Posted by Ok , I know I am really late in posting this . Halloween was so much fun this year . Sam wanted to be a penguin and he said E did too . So Sam and David went to the fabric store and got ALOT of fleece and a pattern . The pattern was for kids and for adults , lucky me ! So I made a costume for me too . We decided it would be way too much fleece to make a penguin costume for David , so he was the zoo keeper . Since E had just learned to walk , she made a great penguin , waddeling around . Sam was so cute too , I was so proud of him that he wanted to be a penguin and not something violent or scary . He is such a good kid . I hope that this love of fleece and animals will continue for a while . I am not sure though . Over the halloween week , we had a lot of events and chances to wear our costumes . First was trick or treating in my parent 's neighboorhood , then there was the parade at Sam 's school and the halloween party at the discovery world and then Jenna 's birthday party and neighboorhood block party . The kids loved dressing up and everyone loved their costumes . They won the contest at the discovery world for best costumes ! Posted by It has finally happened . Elizabeth is walking . As of yesterday and then deffinatly today , she has figured out that walking is her prefered method of walking . Up till now , she has been walking while holding my hand , or along things to hold on to or just a few steps between people to catch her . Now , she is walking all over . She is still doing the " Frankenstein " walk though , you know , where her knees don 't really bend and her arms are straight out in front of her . It is fun to see her moving all over , upright . She is almost 22 months old ! I 'll try to post some pictures soon . Even though I had promised David all of you , No more yard sales , we did it again . This time , I put it together in a week , we had some help and it was moderatly successful . I was able to get some nice handme downs for Sam and his friends . We made some money and got rid of some of our stuff and other stuff . Not much was left at the end . Over the weekend we raked leaves and then filled a pumpkin bag . It was E 's first time in the leaves and she liked it . Sam dropped them on her head and she thought it was funny . Trying to get a picture when they are both looking and smiling is impossible though . We went apple picking . E did not like it too much . I had her in the back pack and it was cold out . We did manage this picture when she was not crying to go home . Sam loved it . He was climing ladders , trees and his dad to get at the apples . We have been enjoying the bushel full since . I made applesauce which was yummy and we have just been eating them . Posted by Sorry it has been so long since I posted . Things are just moving along normally for our family this fall . We are getting ready for Halloween , Sam is enjoying school and it is getting cooler outside . A few weeks ago E had her six month follow up with the Cardiologist . That man is thorough and a bit over the top . He said I need to watch her diet so she does not become obese . Seriously , she is wearing 12 - 18 month clothing and is almost 22 months old . His concern was that she gained 6 pounds in six months , but no height and he does not want her to continue on that path . I tried to explain that when we got her , she was 16 pounds and was just catching up . I also told him we are not feeding her donuts and candy all day , that she eats a well balanced diet . the good news from that visit is that she does not need surgery at this point and we don 't have to go back for a year ! We were so relieved . Also at six months home , we had to do a post placement homestudy and it gets sent back to China . We also use that report for the re - adoption process and to get her WI birth certificate and US passport . The visit went well , our social worker , Jill , was really pleased with her development and how well adjusted she seemed to be . E was in great spirits that day and showed off all her tricks for Jill . We just need to find an extra $ 400 to pay for the visit and report . E is still not walking on her own . Her friend Marisol who turned one this week is walking better . Her friend at Sam 's school , Coco ( their brothers are in the same class ) , who also just turned one , is walking better . I think she could do it , but she prefers to keep me close and hold my hand and walk . She is talking a lot though and has several words . She says " Ba " for Grandpa , and " Bee " for Auntie Bridget . Her word for Grammy is similar to her word for Mommy . Sam is " Mam " . Daddy is Daddy . She also says , Gus , Duke , Dog , Juice , More , Eat , No , Done , Down , Bottle . She has signs for , apple , more , all done , eat , juice . She will try to repeat anything we say too . It is fun to see itPosted by Several people had suggested reading the book : Toddler Adoption : The Weaver 's Craft by Mary Hopkins - Best . I wish someone had suggested it BEFORE we adopted Elizabeth . So for those of you out there waiting , I am suggesting it . Go read it . Now , I must disclose that I have not read the whole thing . I am sort of reading random parts that apply to where we are . It would have been so helpful to have before we went . I think it should be required reading . Those online classes did nothing . Now , she talks in pretty general terms and her toddler was adopted from Guatemala or somewhere like that , so the situation is pretty different from China adoptions . Anyway , there are a lot of good things to think about , do and prepare for . While I am suggesting reading , I suggest limiting your online yahoo group reading to a minimum and read things that are actually helpful like this book or others that might be out there . I found it very helpful to read a mom 's blog who was about a month ahead of us . I wish I had read this book before , but I am reading it now and catching up . So there is my suggestion for reading . Grammy just called and they had an interesting meal tonight . They are up at Pike Lake and went out for Chinese . The waitress ( not Chinese ) saw GPK 's Beijing hat and asked if they had gone for the Olympics . They said no and told them why they had been in Beijing and when . When they were done eating and just sitting eating their fortune cookies ( I have to tell you about Sam and fortune cookies ) a nice young couple came over to talk to them . They apologized for listening in on their conversation , but it was a small restaurant with few people in it . They said they were really interested in the conversation because they had been researching adoption and struggling with infertility issues . If you have met my parents , you know they are always happy to talk about China and Elizabeth , so they were more than happy to chat with this nice young couple . She gave the woman my number and my blog . So , Sara ( h ) if you are reading this , call me ! I would love to talk to you . The woman said it must have been fate that brought them both to the same restaurant at the same time . GPK with his Beijing hat and the nice couple with their questions . It is amazing how God seems to put the right people in out paths at the right times . I hope that my parents were able to be encouraging to this couple and I hope she calls and we can help them too . David and I talk about how we would love to bring home more babies from China , but know that is not possible for so many reasons . Instead we want to be able to help as many other families as we can . Elizabeth is such a joy and blessing to us and I wish the same for others too . Here are some pictures . They have nothing to do with this post , but I know you readers will be disapointed if I did not post a pic or two . She took her pig tails out in the car ( she alwasys does ) . Sam is helping her to walk . She is so close to walking and will take several steps ( 5 - 6 ) between me and another willing person . Sam likes to help her practice . In this picture we are at church . Here is the story about Sam and the fortuneThe Stolpes Today Elizabeth had a check up with her Orthopedic Doctor , Dr . Lyon . He said she was doing really well . She still needs to wear her silly shoes at night , but does not need to go back to see him for four months . She is really close to walking on her own , but all she wants to do is take my hands and walk all over . When I am holding her , she will grab my fingers and leap from my arms so she can walk all around . Yesterday was the first day of school . Sam is a big first grader this year . It seems much older than a kindergartner . He seems to think it is much older too . He described yesterday as " awesome " . After school we went for ice cream . That is our tradition . Ok , it does not take much to deserve a trip to Dairy Queen , but the first and last days of school are special and deserve ice cream . So are the 19th , 37th and 124th days . Oh , and any other day in between . Just kidding , I don 't think we get it that often . Our friends Levi and Soraya joined us . Levi started Jr . Kindergarten this year and Soraya is in first grade like Sam . They are at St . Sebastian 's though which is just down the street . Carmen and her kids were supposed to join us too , but they were all sick . Thanks to Sam , but unbeknownst to his mom he had picked up a virus somewhere , shared it on Tuesday when we were all together . He did not get sick until last Thursday though . Luckily for him he was ok by Tuesday for school . Unluckily for his friends they were all a few days behind him . So far Elizabeth and Daddy have been spared . I have included some pictures from the first day . Posted by When we were in the process of adopting Elizabeth I read all sorts of stories from other people . It was funny to read posts about " interesting " questions they would get about their adopted children like , " is rice their favorite food ? " " can she use chopsticks ? " " how much did she cost ? " " does she speak Chinese ? " So far I have not gotten too many questions . Since I don 't like things to be awkward I usually answer peoples questions before they ask . I know they are in their heads . For example , when we are at the playground and people look at E and ask how old she is I usually reply , " she is 20 months and we have had her home from China for five months . " I usually also say something like she is just really little or something . They look really surprised that she is so small for being 20 months and she is still not walking . On Wednesday we were at Sam 's school for his meet and greet with his new teacher . One of the kids in his class asked me if E was going to speak Chinese when she grew up . I asked him if he was going to speak Chinese when he grew up . I told him that if she took classes in Chinese or if he did then they could speak Chinese when they grew up . So , is rice her favorite food ? No . Pasta and fruit are on the top of the list . She also LOVES guacamole ! As Grammy would say , " I bet she did not get that in the orphanage ! " She will eat it as her main and only entree for a meal . She tolerates rice , but prefers noodles . Below are some pictures from lunch . She had a bowl of guacamole and was so happy to sit with her bowl and spoon and eat the whole bowl ! Posted by So I guess there are people out there that do read this . I got a few comments posted from people I did not even know that they do read this . They are waiting for their children from China too . We have one more week home with Sam . He starts school after labor day . Sam loves Elizabeth , she sometimes likes him . She gets excited when she sees him after he has been gone all day . She sometimes likes when he plays with her . She really likes when he shares his treats with her . That is her favorite . I posted a picture of E eating licorice that Sam gave her . She is easily overwhelmed and Sam can very easily be overwhelming . I get so excited when she is giggling and laughing at Sam . Usually she is upset with him and wants me to rescue her . I know it will get better . She really only likes to be with me anyway . Still , Sam is so good and does not get mad at her or frustrated or anything . I am so blessed with him and could not ask for a better big brother for Elizabeth . I think too that the age difference is still pretty big , as they get older I am hoping they will play together more . Speaking of not being friends , E 's cousin Jenna was here today . They are not really friends yet . Jenna tried to pull her nose off twice and bit her toe once . We took them to Target and Sentry and put them in those carts with the two seats attached . E was reaching over and pulling Jenna 's hair . Both Bridget and I were encouraging E to do this since Jenna is always picking on her . Some day down the road , they will be friends . Here are some recent pictures . The remote is my favorite toy ! My brother is nuts ! He has stickers all over his face ! I think I can get these stickers off , let me just stand up and get a better view ! One thing my big brother is good for is treats ! Mommy alwasy makes him share his treats , this time it was licorice . I think it is my favorite ! Posted by Often I post to this blog and I think I am just posting for me . Or for E and Sam when they get older . It is really cathartic to write out some of the things bouncing around in my head . I always hope people are reading this and sometimes people tell me they read something here . I know my mom reads it . Sometimes I put weird things in just to test if any one is reading this . Unlike an email , no one has to respond and you can 't really tell if people are reading this . I do have to admit , I don 't read other blogs much , so I can 't complain about people not reading this . My father in law has a blog , I check it every now and then to see if there are articles about the family . The ones on theology I don 't understand much . I do check out other blogs from our group of families that traveled to China together . It is nice to see the kids that came home with Elizabeth . So tonight at church ( http : / / www . milwaukeemennonite . org / ) Devin , who had attended with us and moved to Denver was back for a visit . He brought his girlfriend and his parents came from Iowa to meet her and to worship with us . Since they live in Iowa , I have only met them a few times . Only when they came to Milwaukee to visit Devin and his sister who also lives in Milwaukee . It turns out they have been reading my blog ! I guess Devin has been too and sending it to them when I update it . So , to the Yoders , thank you so much for reading this ! I am glad you finally got to meet Elizabeth and it was great to see you all today . It would not be a complete post with out a picture of E , so here it is from yesterday . Sam got out his old chair and set it up for her . He made sure to put the umbrella on it for her so the sun was not on her . He takes such good care of her and is a great big brother . Today the weather was beautiful , mid 70 's , clear blue sky , slight breeze . David is buried under a pile of homework from his current summer class . I took the kids to Jacobus Park in Wauwatosa for the morning . They have a big swing and E loved swinging in Sam 's lap . Sam was all over the playground and E found a steering wheel and stayed there for a very long time . Then we took a walk . Sam rode his bike and we explored the park . Sam is getting so big . The concepts he understands , the things he does , are so incredible for me . We were looking at the map to see where we wanted to go in the park . We plotted out our route and set off . Unlike a state park , the trails are not marked with colored signs . We headed out and the path split a few times and Sam was insistent we were to go left . I was not sure . We went back to see the map and Sam was right . I guess he was paying more attention than I thought . I also just love to watch him play with Legos . He will start with a pile or bag of random pieces and then in a few minutes , there is a cool car , ship , boat , or something . Then each time I look back it is different . Most of the time Sam is sort of all over the place , but with Legos , he will sit or lay on the floor for a while working with the Legos . Then he has a story for all his creations . Like most of the world , we have been watching the Olympics . This is the first time ever they are somewhere we have been . It has been fun to watch and say , " We were there ! " Sam loved the opening ceremonies , as we all did . He stayed awake for most of them too . My parents had us over and we ordered out Chinese food and watched on their big screen TV . Elizabeth stayed awake for most of them too , but not to watch them , just to be with me . Sam has not been too interested in the sports part of the Olympics , I guess they are not as exciting as the opening ceremonies were . He is getting better about watching them . Here is a picture of Sam and Elizabeth swinging at Jacobus . Posted by Ever since we found out Bridget was pregnant with Jenna we thought maybe our girls will be the same age ? ! Then when we got our referral for Elizabeth and found out they were two months apart , we were so excited ! Bridget and I made all sorts of plans for the girls about how they would be best friends and play together . We also bought them matching outfits and started buying toys and things in pairs , one for each girl . Now that they have been together for about four months , they could not be more opposite . Partly it is their background and Elizabeth is just coming from a way different place . Partly it is their personalities . Elizabeth is very slow to warm up and a lot more quiet than Jenna . Elizabeth is also a bit delayed and is more like a 13 - 14 month old , not 19 months like her chronological age or 21 months like Jenna . Jenna is so physical , she likes to run , climb and jump . E is not walking yet , but really wants to . I think it is a blessing and a curse for them to be so close in age . We expect them to be best friends , but at this age they don 't really play together anyway , maybe when they are four ? We also are temped to compare the two . This is not fair since they are so different , and E has a lot of ground to make up to catch up to Jenna . Plus all things being equal , they are just really different . It does make it fun to watch them . It is fascinating to see them with the same toy and how Jenna plays with it and then how Elizabeth plays with it . Then to see them fight over the toy . Just kidding , that part is not fun . It is amusing though that E is starting to fight back and not just take it from Jenna . It will be fun as they get older to see how their relationship develops . Hopefully opposites will attract and they will not feel compared to each other or feel competitive . Here are some pictures from Monday when Jenna was over . Elizabeth took Jenna 's role and was the ham ! Jenna took Elizabeth 's role and looked at me like she had never seen a camera and did not know what to do . I had put both their hair in pig taiPosted by Elizabeth continues to grow and figure things out . Lately she has been dancing to music . It is so much fun to see her dance and enjoying the music . Yesterday we went to State Fair . She seemed to like it , especially when Auntie Bridget gave her a ring pop . There was a high school marching band that all the kids really enjoyed . Sam had a huge ice cream cone and she was yelling , " Mam , Mam , Mam ! " and sticking her tongue out for a lick . Mam is her word for Sam . On Wednesday Grammy brought over a little pool and she loved it . Sam and Jenna were jumping in and out , splashing getting all wet . E sat on a little basket so she did not get too wet and very methodically scooped water from the pool and poured it into a pan . They all had a great time in their own way . The other thing she has really enjoyed is playing in the sand at Pike Lake . When we pull in , she gets really excited . Sam and I went down the big slide at State Fair . It was a blast ! Elizabeth and her ring pop ! Thank you Auntie Bridget ! The kids playing at Pike Lake . Sam would build the towers and she would knock them down . In the last week or so things have started to click for Elizabeth . Maybe for us too . She seems to be recognizing more things , routines and words . Now when we pull up at home she makes a high pitched " oooooo " noise . When I put her in her car seat , she grabs the buckle to help . She has started saying all done and doing the sign for it . She does this all the time , when she is in the cart at the store and is all done , when she is in her crib and does not want to sleep , when she is in the car seat . It is really sweet and funny . The " D " sound is a big step , up until now she only really had " m 's " and variations on the ma sound . Now she is saying something for dog , Sam ( sounds like mam ) , me or mine , all done and of course mama . She also has some signs to use for more and banana ( which I think means any fruit ) . She is a stubborn little one though and tends to try whining first . We are trying to be firm and make her try to use a word or sign that she knows . Things are clicking for us too . We need to keep reminding ourselves that we are on a very long journey to attachment . We read some articles last week and I will post them if I figure out how . They talked about the difference between bonding and attachment . I guess I thought they were the same . David summed it up as , bonding is love ( which she has ) attachment is trust ( which she is working on ) . The attachment part will take a while and we will always be working on it . I was getting pretty tired and sought the advice of other parents in the FCC ( families with children from China ) . They all said that the clingyness we are going through is very normal and to be expected . The articles said the same thing . Actually if she was not this clingy , that might signal more problems . I think one issue I am having is with other people . If you have not experienced adoption , either personally or through a close friend or family member , you don 't know the ins and outs of attachment or the trauma the child has been through and its lasting effects on their brain . Even though E does not " remePosted by My good friend Karin just had her second baby . Maya Beverly entered the world last night at 9 : 51 PM , 7 pounds 20 inches . Baby , Mommy , Daddy and big sister Lauryn are doing well . I can 't wait to meet her . I am planning to go on Tuesday and will take pictures and post them . Welcome to the world Maya ! On Sunday Sam lost his first tooth ! I know this is Stolpe Adoption blog , it should all be about E . No , I can post about Sam too ! It sort of has to do with her too . The one in , is E popped out a new tooth this week and Sam lost one ! He stayed up at Pike Lake with Grammy and Grandpa this weekend . We came home with E on Saturday . He had some much needed time with his grandparents . He was starting to have some behavior struggles . He kept saying , " I don 't want to talk about it " . I think it was more , I don 't understand why I am upset and I can 't talk about it . I don 't know that he could admit or realize he is jealous or upset with his sister . He loves her so much and always wants to be with her . On the other hand , he just does not get the same amount of attention from all of us . For over six years he was our only child and the only grandchild . He was the center of universe . Now he has a baby sister ( who is a bit demanding ) and a cousin who is crazy busy and therefore demanding of our attention . Sam is old enough to be independent and is on his own a lot . I spend so much time telling him no , not now , I have to take care of Izzy , no , Sam , maybe later , No , Sam stop doing that , she doesn 't like it , No Sam , No Sam , No Sam , No Sam . I feel so bad and try to give him more attention when she goes to bed . But I am tired from working overnights and from being with them all day . Also , sometimes she is not too cooperative about going to bed really well . So , thankfully Grammy and Grandpa offered to keep him and he loved it and had a great time . This week he is at YMCA Day Camp and loving it too . He needed time to play with other kids his age too . So , he finally lost a tooth . He was the last of all his friends . Even Soraya , who is six months younger has lost a few . The one next to the one that fell out is also loose , so it is in the middle . The new one is coming in already . He has a cute lisp now ! Posted by July 3 was David 's birthday . For the last 10 years , we have watched the fireworks on David 's birthday down at the lake front with a million people . Even before that , we went every year since I can remember . This year was different . We were just too tired from everything going on , I was worried about E and the fireworks and Grandpa Kent was still at Pike Lake . We decided to go up to Pike Lake and celebrate there . Grandpa made incredible wings ( David 's birthday dinner every year ) . Sam picked out a cake and we enjoyed ourselves . E loved the cake , or should I say the frosting ! David seems to be lightening up about the blue food thing . It is about time ! On the fourth , we went in to West Bend for the parade . E liked it as long as I kept the cup holder on the chair filled with teddy grahams . Sam loved it as usual . It was also the first year in several that we did not go to the Tosa parade . I did miss that . Nigel , Jenna and Bridget did go though . At night we climbed the " Tall , Tall Tower " at Pike Lake to see the fireworks . It was really neat to see them all over the area . You could see about 30 all over the area . They were all small , but still incredible to see that many in all directions and to try to guess the cities . David said it was a great birthday and was not disappointed with the change in traditions . Grammy got him some CDs that he really wanted and I got him the XL chair he really wanted so he can better enjoy lounging at the camp fire . Posted by This is a line from an old Pete Seeger song . I think of it when Izzy gives me kisses except I don 't like wine . So maybe it is kisses sweeter than chocolate . I think of all the things I took for granted with Sam and now have to teach E . Sam was bonded and attached before he was born . He nursed and cuddled and wanted to be held . We have had to teach E that we are her parents and we love her . We have had to teach her how to be held , how to snuggle and that bottles are better when you are held close in your parent 's arms , not lying flat on your back in your crib . Sam knew from birth that at every cry or whimper we would come and take care of him . E had not known that , but she is quickly learning . Because she spent the first 15 months with out being attended to right away I feel I should not let her cry too much . I probably go to her way quicker than I did with Sam . I just feel bad for her first 15 months . Today a girlfriend told me to just let her whine and she will learn not to . I just can 't though . It is just so different with an adopted baby . So much of what I knew is out the window . Sam is six . Before I had Sam I worked in daycare , after Sam and even now I work as a nanny . I know how to take care of kids of all ages , but it is so different with E . She brings a whole new set of issues to the table . She is wonderful , funny , beautiful and exhausting . Sometimes I feel like I have a newborn , not a toddler for all her needs . I feel guilty for being tired and wanting a break . After all I wanted her and worked so hard to bring her home . In the end I must be doing something right , she is very attached to me . She always wants me to hold her , leans back to me if someone else has her and wants to be held close . She puts her arms around my neck and holds on tight . She also has started giving kisses . She puckers her little lips , it is so sweet . She will kiss Daddy , Sammy and me . The other day she kissed Grammy ! That made her day ! I imagine as she gets more comfortable she will loosen her grip on me . For now though I am exhaustedPosted by Elizabeth was lucky enough to be dedicated twice . We figured with her start , she needs as much as she can get . Also , our church wanted to do one and we had already planned one for the June 21 party . The one at church was so meaningful to have that body of people who have cared for us through the whole journey to her affirm their commitment to her and to us . The party on June 21 was great fun . We had been planning it for two years ! For those of you that came , thanks . I hope you all enjoyed yourselves . The weather was great and most everyone seemed to have a good time . Both of Elizabeth 's grandpas did the dedication . It was very moving and special to have them both there and both share the experience . This dedication was special too with all our family and friends to share in celebrating her and renewing their commitment to her . I am overwhelmed when I think about how many people have care for us and for her for so long . The support along the way and the support that continues is just amazing . Elizabeth seemed to like the party and all the people . She was best when I was holding her though . Sorry I have not posted for a while . So much has happened and so many cute pictures have been taken . She has finished with the casts , six in all . Now she has a brace on her feet . It is not fun and she does not like it . She is getting used to it . Hopefully Mommy will get used to it too . Last week we had a Stolpe Family reunion . She loved playing with her big cousin Hannah . It was nice for her to meet the rest of her family . Grandpa Norm was so glad to finally meet her . Uncle Erik seemed smitten with her and she liked playing with him . We spent all last week up at Pike Lake . She was ok with it . The bug really like her though . I think it is because she is so sweet ! Sam loves it up there and I think she will too eventually . On Saturday we had her big party and dedication . It was so great to see everyone and for them to meet Elizabeth . We had family up from CHicago and mom 's cousin came from MN ! Today I put pig tails in her hair for the first time ! She was not too thrilled with it , but tolerated it . I have been waiting for so long for pig tails , so it was a big day for me . Sam liked them too . We discovered she can use a straw . I gave her my strawberry milkshake and she loved it ! Pig Tails ! |
After four girls , we were all sure that John would be a girl , too . We decided that our new baby would be named Christine Marie . I drew a picture of my baby sister - to - be on the last day of third grade in Mrs . Gumpers ' class at Our Lady of Sorrows . Every summer , we went to Playschool - the free vacation day camps that the New York City public school system ran in the neighborhood school buildings from early July through the end of August . At the end of the season , there would be a huge gathering of all the schools in the district at Newtown High School 's athletic field , and each school would put on a little musical show . We 'd make costumes out of crepe paper , do the Charleston , sing Oklahoma ! , things like that . It was great fun , and parents were encouraged to attend and cheer for their offspring . It was in the high 90s and humid the day of our pageant . My parents attended anyway - my father brought folding beach chairs , and he and my enormously pregnant mother watched and cheered and sweated in the boiling sun as class after class did their song and dance routine . It was over by about half past four . We piled into the car , went home , had dinner . The phone rang , and Yaya picked up , listened for a minute , and made some uncharacteristically loud sounds . Somehow , Janet and I gathered that we had a brother . We jumped up and down , and ran down the three flights of stairs , yelling . " IT ' S A BOY ! IT ' S A BOY ! ! " Everyone was so happy , so excited that we finally had a brother . When my dad came home , and handed out the first - ever blue cellophane wrapped cigars , the look on his face said everything . I had never before , and never since , seen such a look of pure and absolute joy on his face . That day is a blur ; it was supposed to be my day of rest , after going out to Union to search for Dad on Saturday , Sunday , Monday . I had set Wednesday as my return to work , if we didn 't find him . I had very mixed feelings about going back to work . I couldn 't stay out indefinitely ; what if we never find him ? Sometimes , people who go missing are never , ever found . They just disappear without a trace . How does a person just disappear ? The laws of physics tell us that matter cannot be created or destroyed in a closed system ; therefore , he can 't just be gone . He is somewhere in the Escheresque universe in which I 've been living since 8 : 40 Friday morning ; I just can 't find my way to him . The angles are all wrong , they are impossible , incomprehensible . I 've been saying : " My dad is missing " . I could just as easily say : " I 'm missing my Dad " and mean it in all its double - entendred glory ; he 's missing ; I miss him ; oops , have I missed him ? What am I missing ? When someone goes missing , what happens to the people who are missing them ? What do they do ? Do they return to their jobs ? Do they shop for groceries on the way home from work ? Do they still buy Metrocards , and make sure that there 's milk in the refrigerator for breakfast the next morning ? Do they plan their meals for the coming week ? What about the laundry ? Do they carry on , do they do all of these things , all the while waiting for a call from the police or the FBI or a hospital or a morgue that their loved one or their loved one 's body has been found ? Or do they simply sit still ? Do they wait by the telephone , or stake out a spot in front of the computer , searching , researching , unable to move ? Do they take their cellphones into the shower ? Do they take showers ? Whatever I am doing , I feel like I should be doing something else instead . What if I 'm doing the wrong things , and that 's why I can 't find the right angle ? Is my approach all wrong ? I 've never known anyone else who had this happen . I have no experts to consult . I need a roadmap for this terra incognita where we are marooned . My plan for Tuesday was to talk to the detectives in the morning and get them to set the bloodhounds looking for my father . We were in Day 5 ; Dad had been missing for ninety - six hours ( I had decided that , when we got to one hundred hours , I would switch to counting days ) . Frank and I awoke to the alarm , took our showers , ate our breakfast , drank our coffee , shared the New York Times , watched Weather Channel , just like we do every day . It was all so nice and normal . I turned on my computer to check email . I had messages from my friend Janice asking if there 'd been any word ( no ) ; from my friend Peg , who pointed out how easily the elderly become invisible to the rest of us , allowing as how if Dad had gone out in his pajamas , someone might remember having seen him ( he had done that already , the week before ) ; from Nancy , letting us know that she , Chris and Grant would be in New Jersey by around 2 that afternoon . She added that Chris suggested that one way to get Dad back would be to buy and install an air conditioner in his dining room ( Dad was legendarily spartan about heating and cooling ) . The search had become its own creature , apart from Dad ; Dad and the search for Dad were two separate beings . There had been moments when I felt we were searching just for the sake of doing something . It wasn 't that I thought our efforts were useless or hopeless ; there was a small ( and shrinking ) part of me that thought we might yet find him , and find him alive . Surely there was a reasonable explanation for him being missing ; the Laws of the Conservation of Matter decreed that he was still somewhere in the known universe . Since Friday , I had been dealing with the unknowingness of my situation by trying to control those things I could . To be effective , to move forward , I had to be dispassionate about the alternatives that lay before us . I had to be on task , I had to manage time well , I had to ruthlessly prioritize . It was like managing the store ( people / product / operations ) , except this really was life and death . I wasn 't alone ; I had lots of help , all the help I could ask for ; my husband , my siblings and sibs - in - law , their children , our friends were living through this with me ; but I felt so terribly alone . Okay , so the detectives would have dogs and helicopters … Det . Moutis said that we should register for a Silver Alert . I said I 'd set it up if he sent me a link . Monday night , when I got home from New Jersey , before we had dinner , Frank and I were talking about places that George and Barbara and Alyssa and Kevin and Glenn and the neighbors and I couldn 't get into to search on our own . Frank had made a list of the kinds of places that should be searched ; abandoned buildings within a reasonable radius ; houses that had been foreclosed upon , and were vacant ; garages , sheds , outbuildings , even on occupied properties - we 'd had a cat years ago who had gotten locked in a neighbor 's garage by accident , and he 'd been missing for three days before the neighbor returned , opened the garage , and out came our Patch . Maybe Dad crawled into or under an abandoned car in a foreclosed garage and has been unable to get out and come home . Maybe he fell through a rotted floor in a vacant , derelict house . Maybe he got lost again , and went into a house that he thought was his , except it was empty , and now he thought we had sold all of his things or that he had lost the house to taxes . When we had his income taxes done earlier that spring , he got confused , and thought the new accountant was there to take his house away . Maybe he was looking for Mom . My email to Det . Moutis crossed with his email to me giving me the web address for setting up a Silver Alert . I should have guessed it - www . silveralert . org - and I can 't remember now why I couldn 't . I registered my dad for the Silver Alert and uploaded the picture that we 'd used on his flyers . I emailed the link to Det . Moutis and all my sibs with the login and password . For some reason - and I don 't know if it still works this way - the login and password were only good for an hour , and I had to re - log - in and re - upload his picture once the hour was up . I called my contact at Union 's Channel 12 to give her Dad 's information and the Facebook page URLs so she could do a screengrab of the flyer . I promised to follow up with a flyer by email , in case the screengrab wasn 't sufficiently clear . Lexi promised to get the information on the air that day . Janet and Wally were at Dad 's , getting ready to leave for Maryland , since Nancy was coming up . Someone had to be in Maryland to take care of the total of five cats and one dog between the two households , so Janet and Nancy tag - teamed . I think that George and Barbara were both back at work - it 's so hard to remember now , and my cell phone and text records aren 't clear . Alyssa had finals coming up , so she was back in school . John was planning to arrive on Thursday . Maybe we 'd find Dad by then . The detectives had arrived , with the bloodhound and his handler from the Essex County Canine Unit . It was mid - day . They 'd had to wait for the bloodhound to come from the next county , because Union County didn 't have one of their own . The handler , wearing latex gloves , took my father 's old worn pajamas outside , and spread the top and bottom out on the lawn in front of Dad 's house . ( The image I conjured for myself of my father 's nightclothes spread out on the lush grass is indelibly imprinted on my mind 's eye . ) The handler wears gloves so that he doesn 't transfer his own scent particles to the scent article . I am in my living room . I am waiting , too . I text Glenn ( not wanting to tie up the phone ) ; he has heard nothing , and is getting anxious . They have not been gone long . The bloodhound veered left at the head of the path , into the woods , without hesitation . They went deep , deeper , following my father 's scent , over brambles , and weeds , and thickets of vines , into the heavy brush . They found him lying on the ground . He said it would have been impossible to find him without the bloodhound . The brush and tangles of vines and weeds were more than two feet high ; Dad had sat down on a log , taken off his shoes , and either lay down or fell back . He was on the ground , his glasses and tan hat were off to the side , his watch still on his wrist . He was clothed except for his shoes , which were on the ground next to the log . They would have to confirm his identity with dental records . He had been out in the elements for more than one hundred hours . The coroner would later say that he had almost certainly died the first day . That would account for the lack of sightings , I thought to myself . Nancy , Chris , and Grant arrived at Dad 's house at about the time that the detectives were calling me . I must have called Janet and Walter , John and Cheryl , Barbara and George , but I don 't remember doing so . Frank came home sometime in the late afternoon and I told him . I am sure I was crying , but I don 't remember . I texted my friends . I called the store and told Emery that they had probably found my father , and I wouldn 't be coming in on Wednesday after all . Janet and Wally are due in from Maryland at about noon . I have to make some calls before I leave . I 'll be on the 9 : 47AM LIRR to Penn , and pick up the 10 : 37 NJT train to Roselle Park . That will get me to Jersey at about twenty past eleven . I 'll have the chance to get a couple of things done here before I leave , and to get a couple of things done at Dad 's before Janet and Wally arrive . I call the UCPD . The dispatcher recognizes my voice . I ask to speak to the desk sergeant . I verify that the new platoon has my dad 's photo . I tell them we are continuing our search today , and that I need to speak to the detectives when they come in . I can 't listen . I love her , and would have spared her this news if I didn 't feel I had to prepare her for a bad outcome . But , I have my own burden of fear to carry , and it is heavy enough . I detach myself carefully , tell her I have to leave for New Jersey to continue the search , and promise to keep her informed . George and Glenn are waiting for me at Roselle Park . As we edge out of the parking lot , I look at each of them and ask if they mind if I speak very freely . They both nod for me to go ahead . " I think that if we find Dad , we won 't find him alive . We may not ever find him at all . He 's been gone too long . " Glenn says that he didn 't want to be the first one to say that , but he agrees . So does George . They are both relieved that I have said this out loud . I ask George if he thinks Barbara and Alyssa are preparing themselves . He isn 't sure . I tell him about my conversation with Barb in the A & P parking lot on Sunday , when I asked about Alyssa . We get to Dad 's and open up the windows to air it out . The weather 's been beautiful since Dad disappeared ; there was only a brief shower on Saturday , late afternoon ; otherwise , it 's been sunny and not too hot . Glenn 's been taking care of the mail over the weekend , not letting it pile up on the porch . The neighbors all know about Dad , and have walked the woods and the neighborhood themselves . Ron , the neighbor across the street , tells us about a shelter in Elizabeth ; maybe Dad is there . George 's neighbor Joanne had mentioned one too . Both places were on the list that Nancy and Janet have been calling all weekend . None of the neighbors , or the shopkeepers , or the cemetery workers saw him Friday morning . It 's like Dad walked out of his door and into thin air . I have been playing phone tag with the detectives through the day . Finally , I get to speak to them briefly . They give me their direct dial numbers and email addresses . I talk to them about where we looked for Dad over the weekend . Detective George Moutis told me that everywhere he and his partner , Detective Ken Elliot , canvassed , we had already covered . He and his crew had seen scores of our flyers all over Union . And they had fewer leads than we did - they had no sightings at all . They hadn 't come across even one person who had seen Dad on Friday , or since . Janet and Walter are going back to Maryland in the morning ; Nancy , Chris and Grant will be up in the early afternoon . Barbara is at work , and Alyssa is at school . John is flying in on Thursday . I am going home to rest for a day , and go back to work on Wednesday , unless of course Dad is found . When I get home , I tell Frank about what the day has held . We eat our dinner , watch a movie or some South Park episodes ( I don 't remember , and I think I fell asleep ) . Before bed , I email the detectives ' contact information to all the sibs and spouses . I am up by 6AM . Dad has been missing for forty - six hours . I take my shower , check my email and begin with my plan for the day . I spend the early morning tracking down local media outlets - broadcast and cable television , radio , newspapers - and emailing them flyers . By 9AM I have contacted local channels 2 , 4 , 5 , 7 , 9 , 11 and NJ 12 ( who said they needed a press release from the police - that will be my first thing Monday morning , if we haven 't found him by then ) . I contact the NY Post and the NY Daily News . I don 't bother with the Times because this is happening in Jersey and they won 't care . If he is still missing tomorrow , I will also hit the local New Jersey newspapers - I can look them up and get their contact information when I get back tonight . A bit past 9AM , I talk to the dispatch officer at the police station at the beginning of the day shift . The new platoon is out with pictures of Dad in their cars . My mom 's best friend Thea has made the same arrangements at the 110th Precinct in Corona , just in case Dad ( somehow ) did make there . It is looking less and less like a realistic scenario , but we all feel the need to cover all the bases . If I thought he could come up with the idea of flying somewhere , I 'd have posted at the airports too . I just want to find him . All the sibs have the flyer in their email inboxes , and all the sibs are forwarding it to their address books with instructions to pass it on . All of us on Facebook have forwarded the page I created last night . Alyssa made up her own page , using the same layout , and called it Help Me Find My Grandfather . She forwarded the link to all of her Facebook friends and they are in turn forwarding it to theirs . The page has over a hundred " likes " already , most of them Alyssa 's friends in Union . John and Cheryl are tweeting it on Twitter , Barbara is posting it on her fitness boards . Barb emailed me first thing this morning that she 'd had a dream that their cat Dallas was missing . She said she found her on the side of Dad 's house , alive , buried in some snow . Barbara says she is going to look by the side of Dad 's house this morning , again , just in case . At this point , we know that if Dad hasn 't been taken into an ER or shelter by someone , his mobility will be limited , he will be exhausted , hungry , dehydrated , off his meds for more than forty - eight hours . Our best hope for finding him is that he is resting somewhere - a park bench , bleachers , a shady spot under a tree . We covered that ground yesterday and will do it again today . We 're going to visit some of the same places , in case there are new people there who don 't know about Dad . Before I leave , I email Nancy and ask her to find email addresses for Our Lady of Sorrows and P . S . 19 in Corona , and send them the flyer with a note . I ask her to get email addresses for the hospitals and shelters on her call list , and send them the flyer . Everyone at these places is aware that we are looking for Dad ; it will help keep him in the front of their mind if they have a picture to refer to , and the knowledge that there is a family who desperately wants to find him . Barbara offers to fax the flyers from work to any place that doesn 't have an email address . The guy at reception today is the same guy who was there yesterday , and he still hasn 't seen Dad and there have been no John Does admitted . Our flyer is posted on the wall behind the desk , behind the thick Plexiglas window that separates him from me . I use the hospital rest room and go back out to the car . George takes me back to his house , where he and Glenn are working replacing a faucet , and Barb , Alyssa and I leave in Barb 's car . At 2 : 02 PM , my cell rings . It 's George . Patty from Café Z thinks she saw Dad near the Lowe 's on Morris Avenue in Union . It 's two miles from his house , but Dad has walked that far in good weather many times . George and Glenn each get into their cars and separately approach the location Patty described from opposite sides of Morris Avenue . They don 't want to miss him . Walter calls me at 2 : 08 and I tell him about the sighting . I am talking with both him and Janet when Glenn calls me . I switch to Glenn 's call . George is coming up in the other direction , sees Glenn 's car , sees the old man , sees it 's not Dad . They go to Café Z to tell Patty , and to thank her . It 's the only real glimmer of hope we 've had in fifty - four hours . They go back to the house , deflated . I take the 10 : 03AM from Murray Hill to Penn . I bring an extra $ 50 and the Capital One credit card statement so I can stop at the bank at the corner of 7th Avenue and 33rd Street in between trains . The NJT train won 't leave until 11 : 07AM anyway . That 'll give me almost half an hour to cross the street and pay the bill on its due date . It 'll also add the slightest semblance of normalcy to my increasingly surreal situation . When I get to Penn , I go to the NJT ticket machines and get two off - peak round trips ( I can always use them , is my very practical thought ) . I go up the escalator , turn left and walk to the Capital One on the next corner . It is empty at 10 : 35AM . There is one teller on , and no line . I pass the statement and my fifty - dollar bill under the bulletproof glass . She takes the statement and the money , inputs the account information , completes my transaction , and slides me my receipt . We go back to Dad 's , so I can walk around the house myself . I just want to see for myself how he left things . I know this is not logical , because since Dad left , Vee has been here , Glenn has been here , the policemen have been here , detectives have been here , George and Barbara and Alyssa have been here , and maybe some other people , too . We leave Dad 's , grab a quick bite at Galloping Hill , go back to George and Barbara 's house , and go over what 's been done so far . They walked the woods by the house yesterday , and again today . They walked the woods by Washington School again this morning . They 've been driving around the neighborhood . Barb thought she saw Dad when she was out driving and looking . It was about 7AM . She was driving up by Union Station , on Morris Avenue , when she saw an elderly man walking . She slowed down , and took a good look . She couldn 't really tell ; he had his hat pulled down , and he wasn 't facing her . The man 's clothing was similar … . could it be Dad ? She got out of the car , and went up to him , looked at his face , closely . I 'd brought my staple gun and packaging tape with me from home . We have to make a flyer for posting . I ask Barb if I can use her computer . I go downstairs to work . I remember that Alyssa has recent pictures of Dad on her Facebook page - she and Dad visited the cemetery right after one of the huge snowstorms this past winter , and I know that there are a couple of full - face ones . I right - click copy the one where he and Alyssa are looking right at the camera , paste it into an image editor , and crop Alyssa out . I close in on his face and center it . I type my text , fine - tune the spacing and size of the text so it can be easily read from a passing car , and print out about a hundred of them . The first place we visit is the cemetery . We post a flyer on the tree by Mom 's grave and ask her to watch over Dad , and to please help us . We know that if he can be helped , she will see to it . We go to the office and speak to the manager ; he knows my dad . He has seen Dad visit Mom 's grave every day in every kind of weather . He says all the groundskeepers know who Dad is , too . He asks the ones on duty if they saw him . No one can remember if he was there yesterday or not . He promises to keep an eye out . I give him some flyers , and ask his permission to post some more around the cemetery . He agrees . I look back at him over my shoulder on my way out , and I catch the unguarded sadness on his face . We visit every park , every local body of water ( dementia patients are attracted to bodies of water , I had read somewhere , sometime ) every doctor 's office , school and playground that Alyssa ever went to with Mom and Dad , posting flyers . We go to Town Hall ( post , outside and in ) , to the library ( post on the bulletin board and on trees in the parking lot ) , up to Café Z to tell Patty , the owner , and leave her some flyers and our cell phone numbers . She knows Dad well - we 've had our family Thanksgiving dinners there since the year Mom died . We drive up and down endless streets , posting . We leave flyers with whomever we speak with in Union . We post more . In Westfield . In Kenilworth . In Cranford . In Garwood . The first time Dad went for a walk where the cops brought him home , they found him up by Saint Demetrios , almost three miles from his house , a few blocks away from the precinct house . That was almost three months ago , in late March . Two patrolmen just starting their midday shift saw an elderly man who seemed confused and went up to him and asked him if he was okay . He couldn 't figure out where he was , but he knew who he was and where he lived , so they took him home and called Barb at work . At about 2PM , George left a voice mail on my cell to let me know what had happened , and that he had sent Glenn over to Dad 's to look in on him and make sure he was all right . I called Dad as soon as I picked up the voice mail , but only got the answering machine ( with my mother 's voice on the outgoing message ; we 'd never changed it ) . I called Barb , and we tried to figure it out ; we thought that Dad must have been on his way to the cemetery , which meant he was walking for about four hours , if he followed his habit of leaving the house at around 8AM . He had probably just continued on Chestnut Street instead of taking the left fork on to Galloping Hill , at the Five Points intersection where Galloping Hill Road and Chestnut cross the end of Salem Road . He was found all the way up on Rahway Avenue , past the entrance to the Garden State , past the turnoff on to Stuyvesant and Cioffi 's , almost as far from the house as Alyssa 's high school and Café Z . We drive and walk and post flyers for a few more hours , all over Union . By Dad 's house . Around the corners , both ways . On Salem Road . On Chestnut Street , by his bank and the vegetable store where he buys his bananas and the Dunkin Donuts . By Eisenstat 's office on Galloping Hill Road . I am finally exhausted , and George drives me to the station so I can go home . We post flyers all along Chestnut Street as we go . Tomorrow , we will do this again . Tagscaregiving , Come to Me , Duty , elderly parents , faith , family , father , friends , grief , home , hope , joy , loss , love , Matthew 11 : 28 , mercy , missing , Missing Dad , missing persons , parents , patience , prayer , responsibility , search , search dogs , siblings , strength , trust The police meet Vee and Glenn at Dad 's house . They call me for details about Dad and where he would be likely to go . They want to know where he shops , where he banks , if he has friends he liked to see , who his doctor and dentist are , which area schools are the ones Alyssa has attended ( since he had shown up at her elementary school in his pajamas just eight days before ) , what church he attends , and anything else that might help . I have to leave soon , to go to work ; I am the manager - in - training at the Papyrus flagship store on Broadway and 76th Street in Manhattan . I am scheduled for noon until closing , which means I need to be on the 10 : 33 train . I would call out if we weren 't so short - staffed . As it is , our full - time keyholder , Mary , will be alone until I get there . Emery has a travel day and is going to be at both of his other stores giving performance reviews . Jacque isn 't scheduled until four , and since her review is supposed to be at the Columbus Avenue store , she probably isn 't even going to get to Broadway until almost five . If I call out , Mary will be alone either until Jacque comes in , or until Emery can get there . That just won 't work - that store is just too busy , and cannot run with only one person on the floor for six hours - is there anybody else who can cover me on short notice ? No . ( So , what would happen if I got hit by a truck on the way there ? Would they find someone then ? ) I 've managed the floor by myself for hours , or worked a thirteen - hour open - to - close shift when staff calls out or just doesn 't show up ; that 's precisely why I don 't do that to other people . Not even today , with this good a reason . I call Mary on my way to the train to tell her my father is missing . She said , " Oh , did they find him ? " I said , NO , HE IS MISSING . No one knows where he is . I get to Penn before eleven . I have no news from anyone . I have enough time to try to find a charger for my phone . I hadn 't charged it the night before and I 've been on it almost the whole morning . I take the local to 79th Street , stop at the T - Mobile store to see if I can find what I need . No dice - the sales associate practically laughs at my three - year - old no - frills Samsung . I try the electronics store across the street . They don 't have one either , but I do replace my broken watchstrap with a new black leather one . I never bring my cellphone on to the sales floor , but I make an exception this day . I am fielding texts from my sisters asking if there is any news , while I am emailing back and forth with my district manager and Corporate about a man who had attempted to make a fraudulent return in our store . In between , I am ringing up Father 's Day cards for customers . Frank checks in with me a couple of times , to see if I 've heard anything , to hear how I sound . He knows me better than anyone else on God 's green earth . He can pick things up in my voice that even I don 't know are there . Such are the blessings of a long - term happy marriage . " I haven 't heard anything from anyone . I 'm going to Port Authority after work , in case Dad got on a bus . " ( I 'm scared and I don 't know what else to do . ) " No news . Yes , thank you for offering , please come and close the store with Jacque . I don 't know where my father is , and I don 't know what is happening . " I grab a cab on Broadway , and I call home from my cell as the cab makes its way downtown . I am going to Port Authority on the small chance that somehow , my dad tried to come to see me in New York . Maybe he waited at our old bus stop , got on the 113S bus , got out at Port Authority and … . what ? Did I really think he could find his way to the 7 train , go to Corona , or to Flushing ? No , I didn 't . But in case he did , I need to tell the cops to be on the lookout . I hear the worry in my husband 's voice . I have to do this anyway . My mind 's ear hears him saying , " Come home now " when what he is really saying out loud is good luck , be careful . The cabdriver has overheard my conversation , and asks me if I am okay . I tell him my dad disappeared that morning and has been missing all day . I tell him why I am going to Port Authority . He asks me my father 's name so he can keep him in his prayers . We take the turn east on to 42nd Street , past Holy Cross Church , and at the southwest corner of 8th Avenue , he lets me out . I find the police station in the terminal . I speak to the desk sergeant , who asks me to take a seat and wait for the officer who will help me . She is very understanding and kind - she has heard this story before ( but it was never my story before ) . I give her a description of my father . I pull out the wallet - sized studio photo of my whole family that my brother had set up for Dad 's 80th birthday . She photocopies it . When she comes back , I tell her that the day we took the photo was the first time in twelve years that we had all been under the same roof . The only other picture I have of Dad in my wallet is the one from December 1972 , with him and Frank and me all dressed up for a gala dinner dance celebrating Our Lady of Sorrows ' 100th anniversary . In that picture , Dad is five years younger than I am now . I call my mom 's best friend , Thea , as I am leaving the police station - she works at the 110th Precinct in Corona , our old neighborhood . She still lives next door to the house I grew up in , on 42nd Avenue . She will put the word out at the 110 , just in case Dad somehow finds his way " home " to Corona . As soon as her husband hears the news about my dad , he takes a folding chair downstairs and sets it up in front of his building . He will wait there until about midnight , until he is exhausted and has to go upstairs to sleep . He is determined that , if my father comes walking down 42nd Avenue , he will intercept him and return him safely to Union , New Jersey . I won 't find this out for a while yet , but throughout the day , Frank has been trying to find ways to help me . Friday is one of his days at NYU 's School of Medicine , where he is the computer tech for a research group in the Psychiatry department . He has been asking the doctors who work there how he can best help me through whatever is coming . On his way home from work that Friday , he goes up to a police officer and tells him about my missing dad . The cop gives him an outline of what to expect and when , if Dad isn 't found on the first day . Frank is taking the long view ; he already knows that if Dad isn 't found before nightfall , the outcome is unlikely to be positive . When I get to Penn , I stop into the police station on the Long Island Railroad concourse , and tell them my story . They are very kind and , as the Port Authority police did , they take down my information . I get on the 7 : 49 Port Washington train to go home . I get in at about twenty past eight . Frank has dinner waiting for me , keeping warm on the stove . I eat , we talk . Unless we hear something tonight or early tomorrow , I will go to New Jersey in the morning to search for Dad . I will be with Barbara , George , and Alyssa . They , and Glenn , and Alyssa 's boyfriend Kevin have walked the woods by the house and near the Washington School several times already to see if they can find any sign at all of Dad . After dinner , I turn on my computer . All of us sibs and spouses discuss next steps by email . Nancy and her husband , Chris , are thinking of coming up , but I think it 's better if they stay in Maryland for the time being . Their eleven - year - old son , Grant , still has another week or so of school . Nancy and Janet ( who lives two doors down from her , with her husband Walter and their four cats ) can make calls from home - they will call hospitals , senior centers , homeless shelters , soup kitchens , urgent care centers , clinics , and any other place they can think of to see if there are any John Does matching Dad 's description . My 88 year old dad wandered off from his home and has been missing since 8AM Friday morning . He was gone when his morning caregiver arrived . Our extended family and friends and the Union County police are looking for him . I visited the station at Port Authority and talked to the PA police ( just in case he got on a bus , but I doubt it ) . I notified a friend of mine who works in our old home precinct in Corona ( just in case he tries to go back " home " ) . My father has been missing for more than sixteen hours . It 's dark out . He is almost always cold , even on hot summer days . I try not to think about this . I do not succeed . Sometime between dawn and eight AM on Friday the eleventh of June , Tony Karabaic left his home to take a walk . He locked the inside door and the porch door . He didn 't set the alarm because sometimes he would forget how to make it stop . He walked down Huntington , made a left at the corner of Livingston , and walked down past Forest Drive to the shortcut path through the woods to Salem Road . At 8 : 10 that same morning , his morning caregiver , Vee the RN , arrived . She rang the bell ; no answer . She took out her key and let herself in . She stood in the living room and called his name ; no answer . He was hard of hearing ; maybe he just didn 't hear her . His tan corduroy recliner - its worn fringed throw flung haphazardly over it - was empty . The piles of papers on the coffee table were in the same places they were in yesterday . Nothing seemed to be disturbed . There was no radio on - maybe he wasn 't at home ? She would have to look . She walked into the dining room . His pajamas were draped over the back of a dining chair . That was good - the last time he went out for an early morning walk , he was wearing his pajamas and slippers . Vee went into the kitchen . No dishes in the sink or on the table , but the bowl and glass were in the dish drainer . Had he eaten his breakfast ? Where was he ? She glanced over to the kitchen table , to see if his pills were in the gold glass ashtray on the table . There were a couple left in there - she looked to see which ones they were . Good - the afternoon and evening doses of Sinemet , his Parkinson 's med . The morning dose , the Xalatan , and the Felodipine were gone . She walked out of the kitchen to check the small bedroom , where his granddaughter Alyssa 's toys and drawings were . The high - riser bed was made up , with its hand - crocheted afghan neatly tucked beneath the foam bunker cushions , the little stuffed cats and bears neatly arranged atop them . He sometimes took a nap here later in the day , but this bed hadn 't been slept on lately . He was nowhere to be seen . Vee went back into the living room , and up the stairs . She turned left at the top of the stairs , to look in his bedroom . The room reminded her of a monk 's cell , with its spartan twin bed , simple chest , and holy pictures on the wall . The bedsheets and blankets were rumpled ; the room bore the warm , heavy scent of sleep . Okay , it looked like he had spent the night here - that was something . She went into the master bedroom , where his late wife , Georgia , used to sleep . There were papers and envelopes neatly arranged on the white chenille bedspread , but no Tony . She looked in the little office . She looked in the extra bedroom where his kids slept when they stayed for the weekend . She entered the bathroom , pulled the shower curtain aside , checked the bathtub . She went down to the basement . Those stairs were so treacherous . She walked around , both hoping to find him , and hoping not to . But he wasn 't there . The clothes he had worn the day before were also on the dining room chairs . That was another good sign . That meant he definitely hadn 't left last night - Vee had probably just missed him . Maybe he went to the store . He liked bananas , and he 'd eaten his last brown one yesterday . She went back outside to see if he was in the yard . The car was still there , but that was because the battery had died two months ago , and his children had not wanted to replace it . No one wanted him to drive anymore . She 'd heard that they 'd already talked to him about selling the car to Alyssa 's boyfriend . Vee couldn 't get into the garage , but she knocked hard on the door , and then listened to see if she could hear anything inside . Nothing . Barbara had been through something just like this with Dad the week before . In the early morning of June 2nd , he showed up at Alyssa 's old school in his pajamas and slippers . The cops had brought him back home . Vee and Glenn drove for about a half hour , crisscrossing Union . They went to the cemetery - always the first choice . Until recently , no matter what the weather was , he visited Mom 's grave every single day . It had been almost five years . As soon as she got Vee 's text , Barb emailed me that Dad was missing from the house and that Vee and Glenn were out looking . Just before I saw this in my inbox , my husband Frank came into my studio to say we 'd had a missed call from a 908 number . I figured it had to be Vee checking in , so I called her , and that 's how I found out Dad was on the move and no one knew where . It was around nine when I called them - they had been so helpful the other three times this had happened - the policemen had found him and brought him home before any one of us ever knew he was lost . The UCPD dispatcher told me they would send someone to the house . I called Vee , and Glenn , and they went back to Dad 's to meet the cops . Share this : Share on Facebook ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Twitter ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on LinkedIn ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Skype ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Tumblr ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Google + ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pinterest ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Reddit ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on WhatsApp ( Opens in new window ) Click to share on Pocket ( Opens in new window ) Click to email ( Opens in new window ) Click to print ( Opens in new window ) Like this : Like Loading . . . June 15th ~ FOUND . 15 That day is a blur ; it was supposed to be my day of rest , after going out to Union to search for Dad on Saturday , Sunday , Monday . I had set Wednesday as my return to work , if we didn 't find him . I had very mixed feelings about going back to work . I couldn 't stay out indefinitely ; what if we never find him ? Sometimes , people who go missing are never , ever found . They just disappear without a trace . How does a person just disappear ? The laws of physics tell us that matter cannot be created or destroyed in a closed system ; therefore , he can 't just be gone . He is somewhere in the Escheresque universe in which I 've been living since 8 : 40 Friday morning ; I just can 't find my way to him . The angles are all wrong , they are impossible , incomprehensible . I 've been saying : " My dad is missing " . I could just as easily say : " I 'm missing my Dad " and mean it in all its double - entendred glory ; he 's missing ; I miss him ; oops , have I missed him ? What am I missing ? When someone goes missing , what happens to the people who are missing them ? What do they do ? Do they return to their jobs ? Do they shop for groceries on the way home from work ? Do they still buy Metrocards , and make sure that there 's milk in the refrigerator for breakfast the next morning ? Do they plan their meals for the coming week ? What about the laundry ? Do they carry on , do they do all of these things , all the while waiting for a call from the police or the FBI or a hospital or a morgue that their loved one or their loved one 's body has been found ? Or do they simply sit still ? Do they wait by the telephone , or stake out a spot in front of the computer , searching , researching , unable to move ? Do they take their cellphones into the shower ? Do they take showers ? Whatever I am doing , I feel like I should be doing something else instead . What if I 'm doing the wrong things , and that 's why I can 't find the right angle ? Is my approach all wrong ? I 've never known anyone else who had this happen . I have no experts to consult . I need a roadmap for this terra incognita where we are marooned . My plan for Tuesday was to talk to the detectives in the morning and get them to set the bloodhounds looking for my father . We were in Day 5 ; Dad had been missing for ninety - six hours ( I had decided that , when we got to one hundred hours , I would switch to counting days ) . Frank and I awoke to the alarm , took our showers , ate our breakfast , drank our coffee , shared the New York Times , watched Weather Channel , just like we do every day . It was all so nice and normal . I turned on my computer to check email . I had messages from my friend Janice asking if there 'd been any word ( no ) ; from my friend Peg , who pointed out how easily the elderly become invisible to the rest of us , allowing as how if Dad had gone out in his pajamas , someone might remember having seen him ( he had done that already , the week before ) ; from Nancy , letting us know that she , Chris and Grant would be in New Jersey by around 2 that afternoon . She added that Chris suggested that one way to get Dad back would be to buy and install an air conditioner in his dining room ( Dad was legendarily spartan about heating and cooling ) . The search had become its own creature , apart from Dad ; Dad and the search for Dad were two separate beings . There had been moments when I felt we were searching just for the sake of doing something . It wasn 't that I thought our efforts were useless or hopeless ; there was a small ( and shrinking ) part of me that thought we might yet find him , and find him alive . Surely there was a reasonable explanation for him being missing ; the Laws of the Conservation of Matter decreed that he was still somewhere in the known universe . Since Friday , I had been dealing with the unknowingness of my situation by trying to control those things I could . To be effective , to move forward , I had to be dispassionate about the alternatives that lay before us . I had to be on task , I had to manage time well , I had to ruthlessly prioritize . It was like managing the store ( people / product / operations ) , except this really was life and death . I wasn 't alone ; I had lots of help , all the help I could ask for ; my husband , my siblings and sibs - in - law , their children , our friends were living through this with me ; but I felt so terribly alone . Okay , so the detectives would have dogs and helicopters … Det . Moutis said that we should register for a Silver Alert . I said I 'd set it up if he sent me a link . Monday night , when I got home from New Jersey , before we had dinner , Frank and I were talking about places that George and Barbara and Alyssa and Kevin and Glenn and the neighbors and I couldn 't get into to search on our own . Frank had made a list of the kinds of places that should be searched ; abandoned buildings within a reasonable radius ; houses that had been foreclosed upon , and were vacant ; garages , sheds , outbuildings , even on occupied properties - we 'd had a cat years ago who had gotten locked in a neighbor 's garage by accident , and he 'd been missing for three days before the neighbor returned , opened the garage , and out came our Patch . Maybe Dad crawled into or under an abandoned car in a foreclosed garage and has been unable to get out and come home . Maybe he fell through a rotted floor in a vacant , derelict house . Maybe he got lost again , and went into a house that he thought was his , except it was empty , and now he thought we had sold all of his things or that he had lost the house to taxes . When we had his income taxes done earlier that spring , he got confused , and thought the new accountant was there to take his house away . Maybe he was looking for Mom . My email to Det . Moutis crossed with his email to me giving me the web address for setting up a Silver Alert . I should have guessed it - www . silveralert . org - and I can 't remember now why I couldn 't . I registered my dad for the Silver Alert and uploaded the picture that we 'd used on his flyers . I emailed the link to Det . Moutis and all my sibs with the login and password . For some reason - and I don 't know if it still works this way - the login and password were only good for an hour , and I had to re - log - in and re - upload his picture once the hour was up . I called my contact at Union 's Channel 12 to give her Dad 's information and the Facebook page URLs so she could do a screengrab of the flyer . I promised to follow up with a flyer by email , in case the screengrab wasn 't sufficiently clear . Lexi promised to get the information on the air that day . Janet and Wally were at Dad 's , getting ready to leave for Maryland , since Nancy was coming up . Someone had to be in Maryland to take care of the total of five cats and one dog between the two households , so Janet and Nancy tag - teamed . I think that George and Barbara were both back at work - it 's so hard to remember now , and my cell phone and text records aren 't clear . Alyssa had finals coming up , so she was back in school . John was planning to arrive on Thursday . Maybe we 'd find Dad by then . The detectives had arrived , with the bloodhound and his handler from the Essex County Canine Unit . It was mid - day . They 'd had to wait for the bloodhound to come from the next county , because Union County didn 't have one of their own . The handler , wearing latex gloves , took my father 's old worn pajamas outside , and spread the top and bottom out on the lawn in front of Dad 's house . ( The image I conjured for myself of my father 's nightclothes spread out on the lush grass is indelibly imprinted on my mind 's eye . ) The handler wears gloves so that he doesn 't transfer his own scent particles to the scent article . I am in my living room . I am waiting , too . I text Glenn ( not wanting to tie up the phone ) ; he has heard nothing , and is getting anxious . They have not been gone long . The bloodhound veered left at the head of the path , into the woods , without hesitation . They went deep , deeper , following my father 's scent , over brambles , and weeds , and thickets of vines , into the heavy brush . They found him lying on the ground . He said it would have been impossible to find him without the bloodhound . The brush and tangles of vines and weeds were more than two feet high ; Dad had sat down on a log , taken off his shoes , and either lay down or fell back . He was on the ground , his glasses and tan hat were off to the side , his watch still on his wrist . He was clothed except for his shoes , which were on the ground next to the log . They would have to confirm his identity with dental records . He had been out in the elements for more than one hundred hours . The coroner would later say that he had almost certainly died the first day . That would account for the lack of sightings , I thought to myself . Nancy , Chris , and Grant arrived at Dad 's house at about the time that the detectives were calling me . I must have called Janet and Walter , John and Cheryl , Barbara and George , but I don 't remember doing so . Frank came home sometime in the late afternoon and I told him . I am sure I was crying , but I don 't remember . I texted my friends . I called the store and told Emery that they had probably found my father , and I wouldn 't be coming in on Wednesday after all . Janet and Wally are due in from Maryland at about noon . I have to make some calls before I leave . I 'll be on the 9 : 47AM LIRR to Penn , and pick up the 10 : 37 NJT train to Roselle Park . That will get me to Jersey at about twenty past eleven . I 'll have the chance to get a couple of things done here before I leave , and to get a couple of things done at Dad 's before Janet and Wally arrive . I call the UCPD . The dispatcher recognizes my voice . I ask to speak to the desk sergeant . I verify that the new platoon has my dad 's photo . I tell them we are continuing our search today , and that I need to speak to the detectives when they come in . I can 't listen . I love her , and would have spared her this news if I didn 't feel I had to prepare her for a bad outcome . But , I have my own burden of fear to carry , and it is heavy enough . I detach myself carefully , tell her I have to leave for New Jersey to continue the search , and promise to keep her informed . George and Glenn are waiting for me at Roselle Park . As we edge out of the parking lot , I look at each of them and ask if they mind if I speak very freely . They both nod for me to go ahead . " I think that if we find Dad , we won 't find him alive . We may not ever find him at all . He 's been gone too long . " Glenn says that he didn 't want to be the first one to say that , but he agrees . So does George . They are both relieved that I have said this out loud . I ask George if he thinks Barbara and Alyssa are preparing themselves . He isn 't sure . I tell him about my conversation with Barb in the A & P parking lot on Sunday , when I asked about Alyssa . We get to Dad 's and open up the windows to air it out . The weather 's been beautiful since Dad disappeared ; there was only a brief shower on Saturday , late afternoon ; otherwise , it 's been sunny and not too hot . Glenn 's been taking care of the mail over the weekend , not letting it pile up on the porch . The neighbors all know about Dad , and have walked the woods and the neighborhood themselves . Ron , the neighbor across the street , tells us about a shelter in Elizabeth ; maybe Dad is there . George 's neighbor Joanne had mentioned one too . Both places were on the list that Nancy and Janet have been calling all weekend . None of the neighbors , or the shopkeepers , or the cemetery workers saw him Friday morning . It 's like Dad walked out of his door and into thin air . I have been playing phone tag with the detectives through the day . Finally , I get to speak to them briefly . They give me their direct dial numbers and email addresses . I talk to them about where we looked for Dad over the weekend . Detective George Moutis told me that everywhere he and his partner , Detective Ken Elliot , canvassed , we had already covered . He and his crew had seen scores of our flyers all over Union . And they had fewer leads than we did - they had no sightings at all . They hadn 't come across even one person who had seen Dad on Friday , or since . Janet and Walter are going back to Maryland in the morning ; Nancy , Chris and Grant will be up in the early afternoon . Barbara is at work , and Alyssa is at school . John is flying in on Thursday . I am going home to rest for a day , and go back to work on Wednesday , unless of course Dad is found . When I get home , I tell Frank about what the day has held . We eat our dinner , watch a movie or some South Park episodes ( I don 't remember , and I think I fell asleep ) . Before bed , I email the detectives ' contact information to all the sibs and spouses . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Yesterday was treatment number 8 . I am finally seeing the end of the tunnel . I will be done with chemo by the second week of January . Yipee ! ! I am still feeling good . Yesterday I was really tired when I got home and went straight to bed and slept for 2 hours and I had no idea what was going on around me . Kevin took me my treatment yesterday mainly because I forgot to ask anyone else to take me . Luckily they were not too busy yesterday so Kevin got to sit with me most of the time except when I let him go out and get him some lunch . A special thanks again to Rachel Gray for bringing over supper last night . She makes a very good Poppy seed casserole . Thank you everybody for keeping me in you prayers . I love how God works in my life . Sometimes I start feeling a little discouraged but I feel the prayers working . Sometimes I think it is just meeting a random person on the street . Just last week , I was having a down day but I had to go to Joanne 's for some crafty supplies . As I was checking out one the men who works there asked me how I was doing . He had checked me out before ( and I mean at the register so I could buy my stuff ) . Since I was wearing a turban , he had asked if I was going through chemo and he told me that he had gone through it also several years ago . When I in there last week , he saw me again and asked if I was still doing good . I really appreciated that and I know it is God telling me that it will all be ok and I will make it . Today I had my seventh treatment out of 12 . I am still feeling pretty good . I have been getting a little tired easier but nothing unbearable . I met with Dr . Raefsky first this morning and he seems pleased with my progress . He mentioned hormonal theraphy that I will have to do after this is over but we are going to get through these treatments until we worry about that . When we get done with these treatments I will have to get a CT scan just to check a tiny spot they saw on my liver at my last CT scan . Both the radiologist and Dr . Raefsky was not overly concerned but they have to check it to be safe . It was a busy day at the oncologist office . I have moved my treatments to Mondays because of Thanksgiving . I think I like Mondays better because I am getting it over with at the beginning and don 't have to think about it all week . There were a lot of people there getting treatments today . So many people that there were not enough chairs for the patients so people were waiting for others to get done . I met another lady named Belinda who was going through cancer for the third time . She tickled me because she was really enjoying talking but she was sharing way too much information about her bodily functions . It was nice talking with her and she shared her snacks with me which I appreciated because I was hungry and I forgot to pack a snack and I was hooked up to the IV and I couldn 't get a snack that kept for the patients . A big thanks again to Margaret McPeak for driving me to my appointment last week . She has taken me 4 times to the doctors and I am appreciative of her for taking time out of her week for me . My mom took the day off to take me today . Since it was so crowded she couldn 't sit with me so she got some Christmas shopping done . Did you know that Steak ' n Shake has a Happy hour from 2 : 00 - 4 : 00 ? After I got done , my mom wanted to get me something to eat or drink so she suggested a milkshake from Steak ' n Shake . We went through the drive through and ordered 2 Peppermint Chocolate Chip shakes . She counted out her monPosted by On Thursday , November 19 , I had treatment number five out of 12 . So far , any side effects that I have had have been managable and I can go about life as normal as possible . I do come home from my treatments tired but I manage to take a nap but as I said before I can 't get back to sleep . Like tonight , it is almost 3 in the morning and I am wide awake . I could have gone to see the midnight showing of New Moon this morning . The main reason that I am still awake is that I had a rather large cup of coffee after supper tonight . Today was John Derrick 's 5th birthday . My baby boy is growing up very relunctantly . He knows he is our baby and he wants to stay that way but I still see how much he is growing and learning and next year he goes to kindergarten and I get teary eyed just thinking about it . I really am beginning to dislike going to the doctor especially since I have to go every week . I have been going on Thursday while John Derrick is in preschool and of course Faith is at school . So I only get one day of the week child free and I have to try to get a lot done during that time so losing that day really messes me up . But when you go every week , people start becoming familiar faces . I am quite the reserved person so I don 't always start up conversations but I have met a lot of people who are there for the same thing . We are getting some type of treatment for some type of cancer . So we all have that thing in common and I know I wish I didn 't have that thing in common with them . I have met a teacher from the Lebanon Special School distict ( she teaches at Castle Heights Upper Elementary where Faith will be next year ) , I have met only person who has gotten the exact same treatment as I have , I have seen a lady up there several times while there but today she sat across from me and we were able to talk , I think she said that her cancer was in her bones and she had stem cells removed and she will go back to the hospital on December 18 to have them put back in and to receive more chemo and she will be there for 2 - 3 weeks . ToPosted by Last Thursday , I had my third treatment of Taxol and Herceptin . I do get Herceptin every week which is not a big deal . So far these treatments are not bad and I don 't have a lot of side effects . I think the worse part is the Benadryl they give me . This week I had to take a nap after I got home . I had a pretty good nap but then I could not get to sleep that night so I was awake till 1 : 00 a . m . I did get in some good TV watching . A big thanks to Nicole Brashear for taking me to my treatment this week . She stayed and kept me company even though I was quite sleepy . It was nice spending time with her and having someone to talk to because these treatments seem to take sooooo long . On Thursday , October 22 I started my next round of treatments . I will be receiving the chemo drug Taxol and the targeted therapy drug Herceptin every week for the next 12 weeks ( although I think I get Herceptin every 3 weeks ) . I met with Dr . Raefsky yesterday and he seemed pleased with my progress and reassured me that these treaments would be better tolerated and so far he is right . I felt good last night and this morning I feel like I normally do . I so hope this will be the way I feel after each treatment because I can handle this . Kevin was able to go with me to yesterday 's treatment . That treatment lasted FOREVER ! They had to put the drugs in slowly to make sure that I didn 't have any reactions to them . But , the rest the treatments will go quicker . They had to give me a bag of Benedryl before the Taxol and the Benedryl made me a little sleepy . I tried to go to sleep but I could never get to sleep , and I was too tired to concentrate to read the book I brought . I listened to my music and tried to play a few of the games on my Ipod touch . I thought I would never get done but I was only there for about 4 1 / 2 hours . Now , for a little bit of inspiration . I will freely admit that I was not looking forward to starting anymore treatments . I am ready to be done . I am tired of going to the doctor and I hate that I have to waste one day a week for the next 12 weeks for treatments . I have been in a bad mood all week long . Wednesday morning was the worse day of all . I had to go to the grocery store and John Derrick was going to have to go with me and I don 't like taking him grocery shopping . That morning , I get a call from the Beth , Dr Raefsky 's nurse , telling me that when the did the MUGA scan last week they forgot to do a EKG and I needed that done before I could start the treatments and could I come in and do that sometime that day . So I had to drive all the way to Hermitage ( about a 25 minute drive from my house ) , wait and then get the EKG done , and drive back to Lebanon and do my grocery shopping all while John Derrick Posted by This past Saturday , we the did the Race for the Cure in Cookeville , TN . It was a really neat experience , and something that we will try to do every year . This was the first time that they held a Race for the Cure in Cookeville . They had a fairly good attendance of about 1500 people . Kevin , Faith , and I all walked the 5K ( 3 miles ) along with my dad and my niece , Emilynne . John Derrick and my mom sat in the warm car will we were walking . It was very early and VERY cold . My dad kept a steady pace and got quite a bit ahead of us . I was very proud of Faith and Emilynne . I was afraid that they would complain the whole time about the long walk . Faith is only 9 years old and Emilynne is 12 years old . They walked and talked and had a really good time . They didn 't like that it was cold but they never complained about walking and that made me so happy . Unfortunately , I did not get a good night sleep the night before and I woke up very tired and I didn 't feel too good . I walked the whole way but by the time we got done walking , I was extremely exhausted and my legs were hurting . I felt like such a whimp because 3 miles is not that far and I was wishing that I had stopped at the 1 mile mark . But I did not give up and made it the whole way . Next year , I will feel better and hopefully I can get a team together . I would call them the Pink Ladies . If we have tshirts made , I would put my verse on the shirts , Romans 15 : 13 . I finally made it to the doctor this morning for the follow up visit after my last treatment . Everything seemed ok to them . I still have some additional treatments to undergo but as of now , I am not sure what it will be . I had signed up for a clinical trial and I need to be randomized into one of several different treatment plans . Beth ( Dr . Raefsky 's research nurse ) is going to get that done this week and will call and let me know which plan was chosen for me . Meanwhile , I will be getting a MUGA scan done of my heart and EKG on Wednesday . I did make it through this past weekend . It was rough . When I blogged on Friday , I was feeling really good . I was hoping for a good weekend but that was not the case . Sometime in the middle of the night , the chemo made me sick . I was sick enough to wake up Kevin ( who graciously let me have the whole bed to myself ) to come and get my back up nausea medicine . It really didn 't help because I was still nauseated most of the night . The nausea finally subsided enough for me to get back to sleep . I slept the whole day on Saturday . I wasn 't just laying in bed dozing , I was asleep . I finally got up around 4 : 00 in the afternoon and stayed awake for about one hour . I fell back asleep and didn 't get up again till about 12 : 30 on Sunday . I stayed awake most of the afternoon on Sunday but still went back to sleep really early . On Monday , I had a 3 month check up with my breast surgeon , Dr . Lawson . She did a thorough check and found everything satisfactory . I go back to her again in 3 months . I did find out that I will not have to have a mammogram again since there is ( her words ) " no mammo to gram " I did start feeling a little better on Tuesday . I did not want to do anything so I didn 't . Kevin had to make a trip up to Louisville , KY so it was just me and John Derrick at home . He was really good , we just sat and watched cartoons all day and I ignored the complete wreck that my house was in . That has been one of the most annoying things , seeing how messy a house can get when no one is doing anything . By the end of the day , I was exhausted so when my dad brought Faith home from school , I let him take both kids away so I could try to take a nap . Of course , I couldn 't get to sleep but I did have about 3 hours of complete peace and quiet which I needed . So it is Wednesday now . I spent my whole morning cleaning house . It was pretty nasty . The bathrooms were gross , there toys EVERYWHERE , and the dog decided he needed to shred everyone of his chew toys . I had a lot to do this morning and I did make myself tired but it is worth it now becausPosted by I had my final round of chemo yesterday . Yipee ! I pray that I will never have to have these drugs pumped through my system again . They are not fun . Although this treatment does not seem to be bothering me as much as they did last time . I am pretty much wiped out but I haven 't slept all day like I did last time . All that I have done today is go to the get the neulasta shot at the doctors office this morning . Kevin , John Derrick and I were able to stop at Chick Fil ' a and get breakfast after my shot . I got home and put on some extremely comfortable clothes and sat in the recliner for the rest of the day . I played on my laptop , read a book , and napped a little . John Derrick sat in my lap alot and watched his favorite cartoons on Boomerang . The kids will be spending the weekend with Grandmommy and Granddaddy again . This will give me a much needed day to rest without having to worry about the kids . As much as they love their daddy , whenever they want anything , they always come to me first and I always feel the need to help them . They love going to Grandmmommy and Granddaddy 's house . John Derrick has been asking ALL day when he was going to leave . A special thanks again to Margaret McPeak for driving me to my treatment yesterday . Also to Autumn Roeder for fixing a delicious dinner last night for us . Such a simple dinner but it tasted sooo good and we ate it all up . Tomorrow night , a new friend Scarlett Meadows will be bringing Kevin and I something to eat ( more about her below ) . Lori Knox will be bringing us supper on Monday night . I am getting so spoiled with all the dinners that all my friends bring during this time . About Scarlett , I met her at the Breast Cancer Friends meeting this past Monday night . Breast Cancer Friends is a a breast cancer support group that was started by a few ladies at the Maple Hill congregation where Kevin and I worship . This is the first meeting that I have been able to attend and the first meeting for Scarlett also . She is also a young mother with two children , ages 3 and 17 months . Her breaPosted by I had my third chemo treatment last Thursday , September 3 . I think this was the worse one out of the three that I had . The first treatment was bad because I did not know what to expect and the exhaustion was horrible . The second treatment was very easy . I was tired a lot but nearly as bad as the first time and I did not feel the need to sleep all day . This time , I don 't know what happened but have not been able to keep my eyes open for longer then 2 hours . My chemo treatments consist of 2 nausea medicines , then one chemo drug , then a bag of fluid and then the final chemo drug and then I am done and I can go home . I take with me to my treatments , my Ipod and a book . I also have a cross stitch project that I have wanted to work on but have only worked on it one and this is the time that I worked on it . The nausea medicines were no problem but halfway through the first chemo drug , I started feeling sleepy and I knew then I was in for a long weekend . When I got done , I went home and made myself some lunch and I think I feel asleep around 3 : 00 and pretty much stayed asleep till the next morning . I was in and out of consciousness occasionally when one of the kids or Kevin would ask me something but I would fall right back asleep . This time I was a bit nauseated and I did not want to eat anything . I fortunately did not get sick . Friday morning , I went back in for my nuelasta shot and then after that Friday and Saturday are pretty much a blur to me . Faith did not have school on Friday and Monday is Labor Day . My sister - in - law , Penny , came and took both Faith and John Derrick home with her to spend the weekend since mom and dad are on vacation this week . Faith of course was excited to go . John Derrick was excited at first but I didn 't think we would last all weekend and he did not . He wanted to come home on Saturday morning . So Penny brought him home and Faith is still with them . Since I was so out of it on Thursday afternoon , Faith picked out her own clothes to take and I so scared of what she is going out in public in butPosted by It is the Saturday before chemo treatment # 3 . Kevin is in Chicago with Faith for the weekend . He has really wanted to go to a Chicago Cubs game with the kids . He decided that a weekend in Chicago with Faith would be a special event for the two of them . John Derrick and I are staying at home . Neither of us can decide what we want to do so we are going to hang out here . We have a potluck at church tomorrow so we are going to make a few things to take to potluck . I handled chemo # 2 very well . The fatigue was not nearly as bad the first time . It was Sunday afternoon that I started feeling the most tired and I slept a lot that Sunday and most of the day Monday . By Tuesday , I felt better but still sleepy . I had no nausea which is such a blessing and my white blood count is fine . The only lingering side effects I have is that my taste buds are still messed up and weight gain . The weight gain is annoying . I haven 't gain that much weight but I have gained a few pounds . The nurses keep telling me that it is normal for breast cancer patients to gain weight . One of the nausea medicines is a steroid which I can telling is increasing my appetite so I feel like I am hungry all the time . But my taste has been altered a bit . Mouth sores are a side effect of chemo treatments so I feel like I have burnt my tongue and the top of my mouth . There are several foods that just don 't taste good right now . I get hungry and will fix something to eat only to taste it and it doesn 't taste the same but I am so hungry I eat it anyway and then I am disappointed because it just isn 't the same . I met with Dr . Tierney , my plastic surgeon , yesterday . He doesn 't see the need to give me anymore fills right now . I have an excess amount of skin that he can work with and I am satisfied with the size I am now . I just need to be shaped up a little and he can do that when we have the exchange surgery . I have to get done with all my chemo treatments and wait awhile before that surgery . I will go back and see him at the end of October to see where I am at with Posted by I had chemo # 2 last Thursday . It went as well as it could go . There were no problems . I got done and went home to a nice clean house thanks to Kolleen Mangrum and Melissa Simpson . John Derrick was at Cooper 's house so it was nice and quiet at home . Also , I had a visit from my cousin Laura Beth on Wednesday and she brought us a delicious supper that Kevin was able to quickly warm up and serve to us . The fatigue has not been as bad so far . I did fall asleep Thursday afternoon and early that night . Friday , I was quite alert most of the day . I did have to go get my shot to help build by white blood count . I got to the doctor 's office at 3 : 30 and didn 't get to leave till 4 : 30 because they were short handed . By the time I got home , I was starting to get tired . Mom and Dad came and got the kids again to take them to the lake . They will have them till Sunday evening . Kevin and I had a lovely supper brought to us by Lori Knox . After I ate , I laid down and fell asleep . This morning , Kevin and I both slept till 9 : 30 and I am feeling good right now . Since the kids are not here , I can take it easy all day . So I will sit here on the couch and read , watch TV and play on my laptop . Kai and Faye Grissom brought some potato soup yesterday for us to have today so food is taken care of . . . . but those who hope in then Lord will renew their strength . They will soar on wings like eagles ; they will run and not grow weary , they will walk and not be faint . ( Isaiah 40 : 31 ) Right before my first chemo treatment , I had met with Dr . Raefsky . We talked about the side effects of the treatments I would be receiving . Of course one of the main side effects would be that I would lose my hair . I asked when that would happen and he said in about 2 - 3 weeks . As I was leaving the exam room on Monday after getting my white blood count checked , the research nurse , Beth , told me that probably the next time I was in I would be experiencing hair loss . We talked about it for a minute . She told me that my head would get very sensitive and I would notice my hair coming out . Up to that day , I had not lost a single hair on my head . On Tuesday afternoon , my head started itching and I started noticing one or two hairs coming out if I ran my fingers through my hair . By Wednesday , my head was tingling and more hairs were coming out and I knew it was finally happening . On Thursday morning ( exactly 2 weeks since my first treatment ) , I was getting small handfuls of hair and when I combed my hair , lots was coming out . Friday , when I washed my hair , I was afraid I would clog the drain with as much hair that came out . I could tell that my hair was very thin . I fixed my hair and tried not touch it because every time I did , I could pull out pieces of my hair . Kevin and I were going out on date and I wanted to look like myself one last time . Even though I had my hair cut short at the beginning of the summer , it was very annoying to have all these hairs fall out everywhere . I would hang my head over the bathroom sink just so the hair would fall in one place . I thought I would end up choking on a hairball at night with the hair that fell on my pillow . So this morning , Kevin shaved my head . When I started noticing my hair coming out , I told him that he needed to shave my head and he did exactly that . It wasn 't as difficult as I thought it would be . When I had first been told that I had cancer , I thought I did not want to lose my hair and I kept touching it and worrying about it . I have accepted that I was going to lose my hPosted by I just received a call from Dr . Raefsky with some good news . I had decided to be tested to see if I carried the gene mutation for breast cancer and the results came back as negative for that genetic mutation . What wonderful news ! This means that the female members of my family especially my daughter are not at a higher risk to develop breast cancer and that my cancer was probably not genetic . Rejoice in the Lord always . I will say it again : Rejoice ! ( Philippians 4 : 4 ) Today I had to go back to the doctor to have my white blood count checked and visit with the nurse practioner . My WBC came back great and the nurse was very impressed on how well I was doing . My next chemo treatment will be on Thursday , August 13th . Since I know what to expect , I will be ready to combat the fatigue that is going to hit me . I will get babysitters for John Derrick and have meals planned and ready so I won 't have to do anything except rest . But as for me , I will always have hope ; I will praise you more and more . ( Psalm 71 : 14 ) It is amazing what a little prayer can accomplish . Yesterday was a hard day . I had been fighting fatigue for five days . I was getting a little discouraged because I did not want to spend the next two months trying to keep my eyes open . I do have a family and life . But I know many specific prayers were lifted up yesterday on my behalf and God answered . I have woke up this morning feeling MUCH better ! Last night my parents came over with dinner from Cracker Barrel . I had chicken and dumplings and they were soooooo good . I did not eat any real vegetables except hashbrown casserole and macaroni and cheese but the chicken was wonderful . By the time they came over , I was starting to feel better . They ate with me and the kids and then cleaned up and helped get John Derrick ready for bed . They left around 7 : 00 and I had a movie going in the DVD player . I fell asleep watching the movie with John Derrick . I woke up when the movie went off and then he watched a couple more cartoons while I dozed some more and then I sent him to bed . When he finally went to sleep ( thank goodness Faith just goes to her room and goes to sleep ) , I climbed in my bed and watched some more TV . It took me a little while to go to sleep and I woke up quit a bit all at night but when I woke up this morning to the sounds of hungry children playing in the background , I felt rested . I probably won 't try to do too much today . I think I will try to enjoy this peaceful feeling . Kevin will be home this afternoon and I know he will be glad to have a wife who is looking and feeling better . Someone is bringing supper over tonight and I look forward to that . Hopefully , I will feel good enough to go to church tonight . So this has been a learning experience for me . I know now not to plan to do anything for at least 5 - 6 days after chemo . Chicken is really good . I should plan for someone to maybe come and get a child or two for a couple of hours during the day . Thank goodness school does start soon . Kevin should also plan on not leaving Monday night for work . I can do Posted by It is the Tuesday after my first chemo treatment . I have never been so tired . My feel like I am in some sort of fog and just cannot seem to get out of it . I have not been sick which is a blessing but I can 't seem to get going . All I want to to is just stare mindlessly at the TV and not think . The problem is that all that seems to be on right now is Spongebob Squarepants . I 'm afraid if I don 't start watching something with a little intelligence , I might lose all my brain cells . So that is my complaining for now . I am just so tired . I hope this passes soon . I don 't care so much about my house being clean , I worry about the kids . I am thankful Faith is old enough to understand that I don 't feel good but she is going to start school soon and I want for her year to start out right . John Derrick has been good but he is only 4 and can 't do all for himself . I do feel guilty about him sitting and watching TV all day but that is all I feel up to . I do think that tomorrow , I will take advantage of friends and send him out to play with his friend . I know this will pass . Kevin is had to go to Kentucky for work and he will be back tomorrow . I will feel better soon . I only have 3 more treatments to go . Wait for the Lord ; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord . ( Psalm 27 : 14 ) It is the Saturday after my first chemo treatment . I am exhausted . I have not been sick yet . I woke up this morning a little nauseated but Kevin got up and fixed me some toast and gave me my nausea medicine . After I ate a little and took my medicine I felt better but now I am just tired . Mom and Dad took the kids to their lake house last night and will have them all day so I can have time to just rest . I am hoping by tomorrow that I get some energy back so I can be good to go by Monday . All seems to be going well except the lack of energy . I have been able to eat but it hard to find something that I want to eat . I think I need to get Kevin to go get me some chicken noodle soup and potatoes to eat . Yesterday , I had to go back to the doctor for a shot that will help build my white blood count . The main side effects will be that I might feel achy . I have felt fine so far but if I do feel achy , I can take some Tylenol . So I am going to try to do nothing today . I will probably get out of bed and take a shower and then move myself to the couch and watch TV all day . Hopefully by the time the kids get home this evening I will be rested or else lucky Kevin will be the one who will have to get the kids showered and to bed while I sleep . Today was my first chemo treatment . I have been very calm all week about this . I was a little scared of what it would be like but I was not in a panic . I actually had a fairly good night sleep on Wednesday night and woke up in plenty of time to get ready and have a little breakfast . Kevin took me this morning . Faith spent the night at a friend 's house and we had to drop John Derrick off at his friend 's house . We got to the doctor 's office five minutes late but we had to wait of course . I had to be weighed and have my blood pressure checked and a finger prick . I then met with Dr . Raefsky and he did a quick check and explained what was going to happen today . He told me that the bone scan and CT scan came back clean . They did see a tiny spot on my liver but he told me that it is probably a cyst and that they were quit common . He was not too worried about the spot and I would have another CT scan in about 6 months . After he left , a nurse came in to explain the medicines and the side effects . I went to the treatment room after that . The treatment room is a large room filled with " recliners " I picked a recliner and waited . I had decided to have the genetic testing done to see if I carry the gene for breast cancer . The nurse took my blood for that first . Then I was hooked up to the IV . All of this was done using the port that was put in a couple of weeks ago . They first put in some anti - nausea medicine in first and then the chemo drugs . The first chemo drug the nurse nicknamed " the red devil " because it is red and pretty powerful . It could not be put in through the pump . She had to manually put it in me using a large syring . The second chemo drug was put in using the pump . I was given plenty of medication for the nausea so hopefully I won 't be too sick . I will experience fatigue and my hair will come out . The hair loss probably won 't start happening for a few weeks . My white blood count will go down at times and I will have to be careful not to be around sick people . Tomorrow I have to go back and get a shot that will helpPosted by This morning I went to a program put on by the American Cancer Society called Look Good . . . Feel Better . This is for women going through chemo helping them to feel better but looking good . Each lady was presented with a bag full of make up for their use . All different companies donated make up and skin care products for this program . It was good make up also such as Clinque , Avon , Physicians Formula , Merle Norman and others . Here is a picture of what was in my bagIt was a really neat program and I am glad that I went . I went to the new Vanderbilt Medical Plaza at the old 100 Oaks Mall location in Nashville . This was the first time that they had done the program at this location and they were very excited to do this for us ladies . They had water and tea and cookies and they brought in lunch for us which was an unexpected surprise . I think the sweetest thing that happened today was when a mom and her 10 year old twin daughters came in to the program . The mom had already started her chemo and had already lost all her hair . The girls were so happy to be there with their mom and you could tell that they loved her very much . As they were going through her make up , one of the girls said , " Mom you don 't need any make up . You are already beautiful . " That was so special and it brought tears to my eyes . I wish the best for this family . I still can 't say enough of how wonderful it is to have friends and to go to a church with a breast cancer support group . One of the ladies there today commented how wonderful it was to have other women to talk to because she had no one to talk to except the pychologist at her doctor 's office . While my friends don 't know what it is to experience cancer and I hope they never do , they are the main reason why I am coping through this period of my life . They have prayed for me and helped me in so many ways . Thank you . God has blessed me with wonderful friends . I don 't deserve such good friends but I have them and I am so thankful for these friends . None of these friends have been through breast cancer but they listen to me as I ramble on about things they haven 't gone through . Sometimes I feel like I am always talking about me and what I am going through but it helps me so much to talk . My friends have given me the courage to face this . I will never know how anyone can go through cancer without having God and church family to lean on . Danielle Gray threw me a hat shower tonight . My friends and my family gave me all sorts of turbans and scarfs and bands and bow for me to wear while I am going through chemo . Everything is so beautiful and while I don 't want to lose my hair , my head is going to look good . I don 't want to wear a wig . I may change my mind but I just don 't want a wig . I am a stay at home mom . I don 't have a job outside my home where I need to make myself look professional so I don 't feel the need to wear a wig . Plus I don 't want to look like I am wearing a wig . There are so many different types of wigs and I can 't afford nor do I want to spend the money to buy an expensive wig and my insurance won 't pay for a wig . Thank you everyone for my turbans and scarfs and such . They are beautiful . I learned something today . Vanilla flavored Barium Sulfate contrast drink does NOT taste good even if there is a picture of a vanilla milkshake on the the label . Today , I had a CT scan and a bone scan . For the CT scan , they gave me two rather large bottles of a contrast drink and told me to start drinking one bottle two hours before the scan and the other an hour before . I dutifully started drinking the first at 6 : 30 this morning . After the first sip , I knew it was not going to go down easily . At 7 : 30 I had not gotten a fourth of it down . I went to the imagining place and they gave me some ice to pour the drink over and that didn 't help much . I even had water to chase it down with and that only helped some . I managed to get 3 / 4 of the FIRST bottle down when they had pity on me and told me I had enough and they could go ahead with the CT scan . I learned something else today also . ( By the way , if you don 't like hearing about needles and veins , you might want to skip this paragraph ) My veins did not want to cooperate with the techs . I needed an IV to inject the solution for the Bone Scan and the CT scan . The Bone Scan tech got the first shot at my veins . He had to poke me twice to get the IV in . When he got the IV in , he left it there for the CT tech . Something happened between the injection of the Bone scan stuff and the injection of the CT scan stuff because when she started the solution for the CT scan , it started burning and she had to stop and redo the IV . She could not find a vein that wanted to do right . She poked me at least 4 times and then she had to call someone else in to help her . That lady had to try twice and the vein she got to work was in my hand and it really hurt when she was putting the needle in but she got it to work and we were able to finish the scan . Fortunately , that was all the poking they needed to do for the day . They did the best they could but my arm is fairly sore from them finding the veins . The scans were painless and quick . The doctor ordered them as a precaution and I hope nothing Posted by I have less then a week till my chemo starts . I have enjoyed this week immensely even though , I have not done much of anything . The kids and I have stayed home most of the week . Thursday , we got out and went to the Discovery Center in Murfreesboro . We had a lot of fun . Today , I had a visit with my plastic surgeon . Kevin was in Memphis for training so I asked Tammy Robertson to ride with me . We had a good time . The visit was short and since it was early in the morning , we went out for breakfast after we left . I am glad that she was able to come with me . I have been around the kids for too long and I enjoyed having some " girl talk " On Monday , I have to go in for a CT Scan and Bone Scan . It is just precautionary . I originally scheduled to go to Summit for the scans and was going to have to be there at 7 : 15 in the morning . Fortunately , Summit Imaging in LEBANON called and asked if it was okay to do them in Lebanon and I said yes ! ! ! ! This will make my morning a bit easier . So let 's pray that the scan don 't show any other problems anywhere else in my body . Mrs . Majorie Hoffman from church gave me a zucchini on Wednesday night . I have just finished making 12 chocolate chip zucchini muffins , 2 loafs of spiced zucchini bread , and a chocolate chip bundt zucchini cake . All from one zucchini . My house smells yummy ! Today I went back to the oncologist office . They wanted me to meet with the psycologist for an introduction visit . We had a nice little chat and that was about it . I am free to meet with her whenever I need to . I also had the chance to schedule my first treatment date . I was able to talk to Dr . Raefsky 's research nurse and she answered a few questions that I had about the treatment options that were presented to me . I will start my chemo on July 23 . I also decided to enter the study trial that was presented to me . This means I will get 4 chemo treatments , one every 3 weeks . These will be done by October . To be part of the study , they will send my tissue from my original surgery to Milan to find out if I meet the criteria for the study . If I meet the criteria , I will be put in one of 4 different treatments . I won 't know which treatment plan till they tell me . I still have a long way to go to be over the treatment but the worse will be over by October . I was told that they have many ways to manage the side effects of chemo so while it will be bad , it shouldn 't be unbearable and it is only 4 treatments and they are spread out . It will be over soon and I will have a new normal . I have had a few procedures done these past two days . I just bringing myself a few steps closer to having chemo started . Yesterday I had a port put in my body . The port is an implantable device that will be used so I won 't have to have an IV each time I go in for treatment . I was completely unprepared for this procedure yesterday . No one really told me what to expect . All I was told was that I needed to get the port in like it was no big deal . I guess I should have gotten the hint when I was told that it was going to be done at the Outpatient center at Summit Medical center and I when I was told not to eat or drink after midnight . I was told to be there at 8 : 00 but did not know that the procedure was not going to be done till 10 : 00 . The waiting was not too bad . I got a room and was able to watch TV . The " specialist " ( that is what he called himself but I think he was some kind of nurse ) came and described what they were going to do which did not sound too fun . I won 't tell you because it is not for the faint hearted . I 'll just say the port is in my chest and they had to use a vein from my neck to know exactly where to put it . Well , he took me away to the very cold procedure room . I was sedated instead of being put to sleep but I fell asleep anyway . I only woke up once when they were poking something in me . My head was covered so I didn 't see anything . Next thing I knew , I was back in my room in order to wake up . I think the whole procedure lasted about an hour . I woke up feeling really good . Kevin and I talked and laughed and planned on eating a late lunch together as soon as they let me go . Unfortunately , I did not have the greatest nurse that afternoon . She did her job but she just didn 't seem confident about anything . She came in shortly before I was going to be released and gave me a few instructions of how to take care of the port . She told me to expect some swelling and I needed to check back with my doctor to make sure that there were no problems . She told me not to get it wet while it was healing but didn 't Posted by First , I want to apologize of the length of this post . I got a lot of information yesterday and I like to be able to write it down and see it . Plus , I think I have the tendency to share too much information and start rambling . If you get bored , you can read what you want . I understand . Yesterday ( Wednesday , July 1st ) I had my first visit with the oncologist . My oncologist is Dr . Eric Raefsky . You can read about him here . He is apparently one of the best oncologists in Tennessee . There are two ladies at church who saw him and really liked him . My dad went with me to this appointment and while sitting in the waiting room , a gentleman who knew my dad commented on how good of a doctor Dr . Raefsky is . I am quite surprised that I was able to get him as my oncologist but it is definitely nice to know that I can trust his opinions . Here is the information about my cancer . I have Stage IIA cancer . This means that the tumor was less then 2 cm ( mine was 1 . 5 cm ) and I had 1 lymph node that had cancer . It was a high grade cancer and I tested positive for HER2 receptors and Estrogen and Progesteron receptors . To read about the stages of breast cancer , you can click here . To read about HER2 click here and to read about ER / PR click here . None is of this is great news but it is not bad news either . Knowing all this helped Dr . Raefsky plan my treatment . He basically gave me three options of treatment . There was a lot of information that he gave me and when I got home I had to remember everything he said and make sense of it . This is what I understood from him and when I go back to finalize my treatment , I will make sure that I understood everything he told me . First , if I did absolutely nothing else , if I said , I was done , I would have a 60 % chance of the cancer not coming back . Having chemo and treatments will raise that percentage and that is what I plan to do . My first option consists of 4 chemo treatment with the drug Taxel , one done every 3 weeks . With the chemo , I would also be given Herceptin . Herceptin is given through an IV aPosted by Today has been a great day . I got good news from Dr . Lawson . There were NO cancer cells found in the lymph nodes that she removed last Thursday . That was the news that I wanted to hear . I don 't know what means as far as treatment but that does mean that we caught the cancer before it started spreading too bad . Today 's appointment was almost enjoyable . Dr . Lawson was in a good mood because she had good news so we were able to chat about better things . We laughed over my drain " oops . " She told me that she had tried something new on me to help the drainage issue and she was pleased that it had seemed to work even though I didn 't keep the drain in too long . I don 't have to go back to see her until September for a follow up . I go to an oncologist on Wednesday , July 1st . I guess I will get an idea of what the rest of my treatment will be . I hope that the treatment will go smoothly and I will be back healthy . I have to say that God DOES answer prayers . He is amazing and He loves us so much . Life is not easy and we will encounter many bumps along the way . God is always there and He listens to us . I would have never chosen to have cancer . When I found the lump , I prayed that it wouldn 't be cancer but it was cancer . My prayers changed asking Him to help me through this . I asked for prayers from my friends and I got prayers from people all over the world . Missionaries that my father works with in Central America and as far away as Australia have been praying for me . People I have never met but who know my friends or my brothers or my parents are praying for me . These prayers have been answered . I AM fighting this cancer and so far I feel like I am winning . I still have long road ahead but whatever I am given , I know that God is there and will take care of me . Yesterday was Sunday morning . The kids spent the night at my parents and it was just me and Kevin at home . I decided to stay at home from worship service and get a little more rest before the kids came home . Kevin left for church and I decided to go ahead and get cleaned up for the day and that is when I had my little " oops . " So , I have told you about my the drains that have been plaguing me since my first surgery . If you want to really know about the drains you can click here . At this surgery , Dr . Lawson removed both drains and gave me one back . She told Kevin that she did inserted it differently so it wouldn 't drain as much and would be able to be removed earlier . So it was doing it 's job and I was doing my job by emptying it twice a day . Well on Sunday morning , I went to take a " shower " . I still had a piece of gauze wrapped around the drain tube and it was taped to my skin . Now this drain is UNDER my left arm . I use the fingernails of my right hand to pick the tape off but the gauze is wrapped around the the tube . The only way to get it off is to use a pair of scissors . Common sense should have told me to wait for Kevin to come home or at least to pull the gauze down the tube so I could reach it better . Common sense did not prevail that morning . I lifted my arm and went snip . In my hand , I held the piece of gauze along with the tubing of the drain and I had a piece of tubing sticking out from under my arm . I immediately called Kevin and he came back home . Fortunately he had just left and was not far away . He was ready to take me to the emergency room . We decided to call the doctor first . Kevin spoke to the doctor on call ( I was too shocked at my own stupidity to do anything ) . Since I had not been draining that much fluid , the doctor told Kevin that he could just pull out the rest of the tubing and I should be okay . We thought about this for a minute . We considered going next door to see if our neighbor who is a nurse was home or I about sent Kevin to go to church and get a friend who is a surgical nurse at BaptisPosted by Yesterday ( June 18th ) , I had additional surgery to remove more lymph nodes from my left side . On my original surgery , May 28 , they removed the sentinel lymph node and first glance showed no cancer . The final pathology report came back with 2 small specks of cancer so Dr . Lawson wanted to remove more lymph nodes to see if any cancer had spread . If they find cancer in these lymph nodes , I will probably have to have radiation treatments . This surgery was a simpler surgery . According to Dr . Lawson everything went well . I was given the choice to stay a night in the hospital or go home that day . I chose to go home . I think Kevin regretted that decision later . I had a hard time getting over the anesthesia this time . I spent 2 hours after the surgery trying to wake up . When I finally was alert enough ( which wasn 't very alert ) , they brought Kevin in to help get me dressed and got me out of the hospital . I slept the whole way home , walked in the house and made it to the couch were I slept off and on the rest of the afternoon and evening . The anesthesia also made me nauseous this time and Kevin had to call the doctor to call me in some nausea medicine . I did get a decent night sleep , and I woke up this morning feeling much better and alert . The kids spent the night at my parent 's house Wednesday and Thursday night . Tammy Robertson took the kids today and they are going back to spend the rest of the weekend with my parents , so I get a nice quiet weekend to recuperate . I go back to see Dr . Lawson sometime next week . She removed both drains left from my last surgery but added another drain . She said that she did something different so it will not drain as much . When I am ready to have this drain removed is when I call to make the appointment . On a funny note , I am not pregnant . I was told that three times yesterday . It 's funny because , that was the last thing I was worried about especially since Kevin took care of that about four years ago . Thanks for continuing to pray for me . I will see an oncologist on July 1st and will get my Posted by Right now it is Saturday morning . We are being lazy and watching cartoons . Yesterday my mother - in - law went back home to Baton Rouge and I am excited about getting back to " normal " I saw the plastic surgeon yesterday morning . I was hoping he would remove the last two drains that I have stuck on me because I really want to be able to just take a shower and dress in my regular clothes without having to disguise the two giant lumps attached to me . Unfortunately , I still have quite a bit of fluid draining so he felt like I needed to keep them for another week . He was afraid that if he took them out and I got fluid built up , they would have to go back and put them back in . I do agree that does not sound pleasant at all . So I will keep them till Thursday when I have to go back to surgery . While I am under , they can remove both but the left side will be replaced with another one for this surgery . So it looks like I will spend most of my summer wearing baggy clothing . I go back to the plastic surgeon in 3 weeks and I think he is going to start " filling me up . " These tissue expanders are not comfortable . I fill like I have rocks tightly strapped to my chest but it just part of the process . I shouldn 't complain because I at least have this opportunity to get my body looking back to normal and I know it will all be worth it in the end . I also got a call from an oncologist yesterday . I have an appointment to meet with him on July 1st . The lady on the phone gave me his name but I didn 't ask how to spell the name so I can 't tell you who it is . I do know he is part of Tennessee Oncology and he is located at Summit Hospital in Hermitage . I will let you know more about him after I meet him . So yesterday was not my best day . I was disappointed about not getting my drains out so that was a real bummer . The call from the oncology office made chemo seem so real . I ended up with a bad tension headache and I just could not do anything except lay around . Kevin was home most of the day but he had to leave for a couple of hours . I was quite miPosted by My doctor called me today with the results of my final pathology results . It wasn 't the best news but it is what it is and we have to take it one step at a time . The right side where there was no cancer was perfectly fine . No cancer in the breast and no cancer in the lymph nodes . The cancer on the left side was a smaller then they thought . It was 1 1 / 2 cm and all the margins were clean and it did not appear attached to anything . The sentinel lymph node that they took out first was a little larger then normal . At first glance in the operating room , there appeared no cancer cells . As they did a little more investigating , there were 2 specks of cancer in the lymph node . The largest was 1 1 / 2 mm ( not cm , but millimeters ) . Dr . Lawson wants to go back in and take a few more lymph nodes out and test them . She wants to do this to plan my treatment better . She told me that I might benefit with having radiation done on my chest wall . This will probably guarantee that I will have to have chemotherapy . By doing this , I can lower my chance of the cancer coming back in the remaining tissue . I will have to have surgery again but this time , I will do it as an outpatient surgery so I can get home quicker . I don 't know what the date will be but I will let post it when I find out . I have found that this is annoying . It definitely is not what I wanted it to be but cancer is not simple and I knew that from the beginning . Right now , I want to back to some type of normal . I miss spending time with my kids and doing for them . I miss sleeping comfortably on my bed and I miss Kevin sleeping beside me . I miss fixing dinner at night ( but don 't get me wrong , I LOVE having meals ready to fix . ) I really miss taking a long hot shower . Right now I am just whining and after a good night 's rest , I will feel better . This is just another step that I have to take to get back to being myself . I am will do this and get it done and fight my way back to healthy . Thank you for all your prayers and keep praying . I didn 't get a chance to post these pictures before my surgery . Above are some of the ladies at Maple Hill Church of Christ who wore pink for my support . These are the ladies who bought pink hair extensions to wear in their hair . A special Thanks to Danielle Pruitt who put a list together of prayers for me throughout the day of the surgery . She had people sign up for every 15 minutes from 7 : 00 in the morning to 7 : 00 in the evening . Each person stopped what they were doing and prayed for me . How amazing are these friends of mine . I will never be able to do half of what they have done for me . Everyone has been so kind and I thank my God for every thing that they have done for me . 3I thank my God every time I remember you . 4In all my prayers for all of you , I always pray with joy ( Philippians 1 : 3 - 4 ) It is the Saturday after my surgery and I am finally home after a two night stay at the hospital . I doing well . I am still sore . I feel like I have bricks on my chest . It is very difficult to get comfortable because lying on my side is hard because of my drains . Thank goodness for pain medicines . Thursday morning , we arrived at the hospital at 5 : 00 in the morning . We waited for about 30 minutes and then we were sent to the Surgery Waiting room . We waited another 30 minutes and then I was taken back to start getting ready for surgery . They gave me a Valium and that was very nice to have . I had to go down to radiology so they could inject a the radioactive dye for the Sentinal Node testing . I had to wait there for over an hour because they did not have my films from my mammogram . I was there by myself with a room full of magazines from 2007 . It was freezing in that waiting room and the nurse told me that she would leave me there because it was warmer there then the room that I was going have the procedure done . She was right because when I got there , I was shivering . The dye was horrible . The injection was not the problem , it was the dye itself . It stung and made me pass out . After that , they took me back upstairs for surgery . I got to spend a few minutes with Kevin , my parents and my brother . Daddy prayed and then they left . They knocked me out and the next thing I knew I was waking up . I seriously did not think , we had gone but they told me that I was done and everything had gone smoothly . That is such a strange feeling . One second I went to sleep and three hours later , I was awake and did not feel a thing . They wheeled me to a room where my family was . Kevin was all smiles because there were NO LYMPH NODES involved and they felt like they got all the cancer out . That was the news that I wanted to hear . I pretty much slept the rest of the day . I know Marty , my older brother came by and I was asleep . Anita Keith and Tammy Robertson came along with my mother - in - law and I was asleep . I was given morphine through my IV Posted by The wonderful ladies at Maple Hill 's Mother Day Out Program along with the parents of my precious two year olds put together a special night for me and Kevin to enjoy before my surgery this Thursday . We were able to go to Evins Mill Bed and Breakfast in Smithville , TN . We enjoyed 2 one hours massages when we got there . After the massages , we enjoyed a hors d ' oeuvres , followed by a gourmet four - course meal . We had access to the full 40 acres along with the game room in the grist mill . The place was absolutely beautiful . Since it was the middle of the week , we were the only bed and breakfast couple there at the time we got the most wonderful individual attention . ( there was some company there on a retreat but they had to spend their time looking at power points presentations ) We didn 't go hiking to the waterfall because we didn 't bring tennis shoes . We did get to enjoy just a quiet time by ourselves . We enjoyed the game room and looking at the beautiful scenary around the mill . The most special part was that Kevin and I got to be together by ourselves and talk and love each other . Tomorrow is my surgery . I have gone through every emotion possible from being at complete peace to near panic . I am so thankful that I have so many friends who are praying for me . I don 't understand how anyone can go through any surgery or illness without God in her life . I know that without God , my life would be a complete mess and would not be able to handle any of these hurdles . A special thanks to Sandy Hubbard . She is a nurse at Baptist Hospital and although she does not work in the same area that I will be in , she has checked to make sure that I have the best doctors and made sure that those who are taking care of me give me the best possible care . Also , thank you to Jenny Leech and Tammy Robertson for taking my kids tomorrow so they can have a fun filled day with their friends and will not be sitting at home worrying about me . WEAR PINK ! ! 13Is any one of you in trouble ? He should pray . Is anyone happy ? Let him sing songs of praise . 14IsPosted by It is getting closer to May 28th . I will freely admit that I am getting anxious , and I just don 't want to go through the surgery . I wish this had not happened . I have so many people praying for me right now that I know I can do this , and I know God has something in store for me . On Monday night , my friends from the Maple Hill Church of Christ had a " farewell " party . We said bye - bye to the cancer and welcome to my new body that I will be getting . Tammy Robertson and Heather Wamble organized the party . Tammy grilled hamburgers and chicken and Heather made a lovely cake . Everyone else brought all the extras and we had a great time . I want to thank all my friends who showed up and those who were not able to make it because of babysitter issues . Thank you to Rachel Gray , Danielle Gray , Amanda McNabb , Amanda Denning , Melissa Simpson , Kolleen Mangrum , Sarah Scoles , Anita Keith , Autumn Roeder , Danielle Pruitt , and Nicole Brashear for coming and having a good laugh . Forgive me if I left out a name . I also decided to go ahead and get my hair cut before surgery . I decided that I wanted something that didn 't take a lot of effort and would look good if I just washed it and went on my way . Since I will be having chemo and had a good chance of losing my hair , I thought it would make it easier on me and my family if I didn 't have big long hunks of hair falling out . In planning my haircut , my friends talked me into coloring my hair . So I had it dyed back to blonde and added pink . Tammy Robertson and Danielle Gray came with me and they also dyed their hair pink . Tammy did a strip on the side and Danielle had the whole underside of her hair dyed pink and my hair was CHOPPED off and I had the pink added to the front . Several others wanted to dye their hair pink but in order to have pink in your hair , you have to BLEACH a spot first so the pink will show up . The pink will wash out but the bleached spot is there until it grows out or you color it . So for those not brave enough to bleach their hair , they got pink hair extensions . I got onPosted by My surgery is scheduled on Thursday , May 28 at Baptist Hospital in Nashville , TN . The surgery starts at 9 : 00 in the morning . At 7 : 00 , I will have a dye injected to see if the lymph nodes are involved . I get to be at the hospital at the early hour at 5 : 00 a . m . ( yuck ) . I don 't know how long I will be at the hospital . When I was setting up this blog , I wanted to put a verse from the Bible as the description . When I first found the lump , I was extremely scared . All the waiting that I had to do did not help much . I was a nervous wreck just waiting . I told myself to get over it , and I turned to God 's Word for help . I wanted to find peace and remind myself that God would give me peace . So I found Philippians 4 : 6 - 7 , " Do not be anxious about anything , but in everything by prayer and petition , with thanksgiving present your requests to God . And the peace of God , which transcends all understanding , will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus . " I clung to that verse , praying that God would just take care of me and give me PEACE ! I didn 't know what I was going to have go through , but I wanted peace . I found that peace and I calmed down . I was still scared , but I knew that God was giving me peace . Back to setting up this blog . I was filling in all the different areas , and I came to the blog description . I got my Bible so I could type Philippians 4 : 6 - 7 in correctly and my Bible opened up to Romans 15 : 13 . The verse is one of several verses highlighted on that page . I really like the book of Romans because there are so many verses that Christians need to remember . But that verse is the one that caught my attention and I knew that was the verse I needed for strength during this time . God does give hope and I trust him to take care of me and my family . He is giving me peace to handle this time in my life . He is giving me joy by giving me such wonderful friends and strangers who are praying for me . I want to overflow with hope so other women who are facing this same disease can have some of mine . It is May 1st . I turn another year older on May 13th . In 28 days , I will have my surgery and the start of my journey to heal my body . On Monday , April 13 , I found a lump . That has to be every woman 's fear , and I found one . I wasn 't doing a self examine . I just happen to find it . I wasn 't sure what to do . I had a doctor 's appointment in a couple of weeks so I thought I would wait but a friend told me to go ahead and call and have it checked out . I made an appointment and my doctor felt it and told me to get a mammogram . I had the mammogram and the radiologist didn 't like the look of it . I got an appointment with a breast specialist and she didn 't like the look of it and I had a biopsy done . The results came in on Monday April 27 that the lump was cancer . I have had A LOT of information given to me and I am still trying to sort it all out . I was told I had the most common type of cancer which was Infiltrating Mammo Carcinoma . Which I can 't find that term on any website but I think that is means the same as Invasive Ductal Carcinoma . The doctor seemed confident that it is treatable and curable but I have to take the long road to get there . I have decided that I will have a bi lateral mastectomy . It sounds very extreme to do this but this surgery will greatly lower my chances of the cancer coming back . I do NOT want to have to go through this again . . Prayer requests : 1 . Pray for Kevin because he has been so wonderful . I think God is letting me know that Kevin is that great of a person . 2 . Pray for Faith and John Derrick so they understand there will be some changes going on but mommy still loves them . 3 . Pray for other women who are finding a lump and are about to start this same process I am going through . Pray that the lump will be benign but if it is not , please pray for their peace . The next part I am going to write is a bit intimate about my body so you can skip the rest if you don 't want too much information but if you are curious read on . I have never liked my breasts . I developed early and they have been a pain so I am not that sad to lose them . Since having children they have grown to a DD and my back hurts and I can 't run and I don 't look good iPosted by |
byDG Hear © There is no sex in this story but it is a good read . Thank you to Linda62953 for editing this story and making it a much better read . Chapter 1 My mother passed away a couple of years ago . My dad took it pretty hard but went on with his life ; what else could he do ? He ran a combination gas station and grocery store , which was passed down to him from my grandfather . Dad is a good man , as was my grandfather before him . Mom was only fifty - four when she died of that dreaded Cancer . She and Dad started dating after Dad returned from the service and married soon after . They had a good marriage and seemed to be a happy couple . Mom was a writer and wrote children 's books . Over the years , she made a good amount of money , but she always said she was a mother and a housewife first . I was an only child and knew my father wanted me to follow in his footsteps and work at the gas station and eventually he would pass it down to me . The problem is , I wasn 't a mechanic and had no desire to be one . I guess I took after my mother because I enjoyed writing . When I was younger , I would sit around the gas station and listen to the many stories people told us and would write about them . Mom told me I had a real talent and would edit my stories for me . I would send them to Readers Digest or other short story magazines and make a few dollars . Real life stories had always hit me in a special way . I did go to college for a couple of years to take some general business courses and to hone up on my writing skills . Les was married and had a daughter and a son . He told me he owed his life to my grandfather . I asked him if he 'd tell me his story . Dad and Mom already knew it but promised my Granddad and Les they wouldn 't tell anyone without Les 's ok . Les said it was about time , so he told me his story . Les said it had all began many years ago one Christmas Eve when my granddad sat in his gas station on a very cold and snowy night . Granddad hadn 't really celebrated Christmas in years since his wife , my grandmother , had passed away . It was just another lonely day to him . My dad was in the service and had moved to Kentucky after he served his time in the army . He had lived there a couple of years . It left Granddad pretty much alone in his business , after the death of my grandmother . Gramps didn 't hate Christmas , he just couldn 't find a reason to celebrate . He was sitting there looking out at the snow that had been falling for the last couple of hours thinking how slick the roads must be getting . The snowplows hadn 't been through yet . At the time , he was pondering what Christmas was all about when the door opened and a homeless man stepped in . Instead of throwing the man out , since he didn 't even have a car , George , my granddad , as he was known by his customers , told the man to come in and sit by the heater and warm up . " Thank you , but I don 't mean to intrude , " said the stranger . " I see you 're busy , I just wanted to warm up a bit , and I 'll just go . " turned and opened a wide mouth Thermos and handed it to the stranger . " It isn 't much , but it 's hot and tasty . It 's stew . . . , made it myself . When you 're done eating it , there 's coffee and it 's hot and fresh . " Just at that moment , he heard the " ding " of the driveway bell . " Excuse me , be right back , " George said . There in the driveway was an old truck that had pulled up ; steam was rolling out of the front . The driver was panicked . " Mister , can you help me ? " asked the driver , seeming desperate . " My wife is pregnant and ready to deliver our baby . We were headed to the hospital when my truck began overheating . " George looked into the car and saw the scared pregnant woman sitting in the passenger seat . He opened the hood of the old truck . It didn 't look good ; steam just rolled out from under the hood . The door of the office closed behind George as he went inside . He went to the office wall and got the keys to his old truck , and went back outside . He walked around the building , opened the garage door , started his own old truck and drove it around to where the couple was waiting . " Here , take my truck , " he said . " She isn 't the best truck you ever looked at , but she runs real good . Just return it to me when you can . " The man wasn 't about to argue with him as George helped put the woman into the truck and watched as it sped off into the night . He turned and walked back inside the office . " Glad I loaned them the truck , their tires were shot , too . My old truck at least has brand new ones . " George thought he was talking to the stranger , but the man had gone . The Thermos was on the desk , empty , with a used coffee cup beside it . " Well , at least he got something in his belly , " George thought . After the old truck cooled down George went back outside to see if the old Chevy would start . It cranked slowly , but it started . He put it into the garage where his truck had been . He thought he would tinker with it for something to do . Christmas Eve meant few customers . He discovered that the block hadn 't cracked , it was just a problem with the bottom radiator hose . " Well , shoot , I can fix this , " he said to himself . So , he put a new one on . " Those tires aren 't going to get them through the winter , either . " He took some tires that had been traded in but still had good tread left on them and put them on the old truck . As he was working , he heard a loud noise outside . It was a police cruiser that had went over the embankment and had overturned . He ran outside and helped the police officer out of the cruiser . He was shook up and bleeding quite a bit from the left shoulder . The officer moaned , " Please help me . " George helped the officer inside his station . He remembered the training he had received in the Army as a medic . He knew the wound needed attention . " Pressure to stop the bleeding , " he thought . The uniform company had been there the day before and had left clean shop towels . He used those and duct tape to bind the deep cut . " Hey , they say duct tape can fix anything , " he said , trying to make the police officer feel at ease . " You need something for pain , " George thought . All he had was the pills he used for his back . " These ought to work . " He put some water in a cup and gave the policeman the pills . " You hang in there , I 'm going to get you an ambulance . " It began snowing harder and when George went to call an ambulance , the phone was dead . " Maybe I can get one of your buddies on that talk box out in your car . " He went out , only to find that it was badly damaged and had destroyed the two - way radio . He went back in to find the policeman sitting up . " Thanks , " said the officer . " You could have left me there . The guy that I was chasing could still be in the area . " George sat down beside him , " I would never leave an injured man in the Army and I wouldn 't leave you . " George pulled back the bandage to check for bleeding . " Looks worse than what it is . You will need some stitching up . Looks like it missed the important stuff . I think with time , you 're going to be right as rain . " The front door of the office flew open . In burst a young man with a gun . " Give me all your cash ! Do it now ! " the young man yelled . His hand was shaking and George could tell that he had probably never done anything like this before . He turned his attention to the young man . " Son , it 's Christmas Eve . If you need money , well then , here . It 's not much , but it 's all I got . Now put that pea shooter away . " The young man 's hand was shaking and George knew he was scared . George pulled a hundred and fifty dollars out of his pocket and handed it to the young man , reaching for the barrel of the gun at the same time . The young man released his grip on the gun , fell to his knees and began to cry . " I 'm not very good at this am I ? All I wanted was to buy something for my wife and son , " he went on . " I lost my job last month , my rent is due and they 're going to repossess my car . " George handed the gun to the cop . " Son , we all get in a bit of squeeze now and then . The road gets hard sometimes , but we make it through the best we can . " He got the young man to his feet , and sat him down on a chair across from the cop . " Sometimes we do stupid things . " George handed the young man a cup of coffee . " Being stupid is one of the things that makes us human . Coming in here with a gun , isn 't the answer . Now sit there and get warm and we 'll sort this thing out . " The young man stopped crying , and looked at the cop . " Sorry I sped away from you . I was so scared I was going to get arrested and taken from my family , " he said . " Shut up and drink your coffee , " the cop said . George could hear the sounds of sirens outside . A police cruiser and an ambulance skidded to a halt . Two cops came through the door , guns drawn . " Chuck ! You ok ? " one of the cops asked the injured officer . " Not bad for a guy who just overturned his cruiser . How did you find me ? " " From your last location on the squawk box in the car . Who were you chasing ? " the other cop asked , as he approached the young man . Chuck answered him , " I don 't know . The guy drove off into the dark . He just drove away leaving me there . The reason I was going to stop him was he was driving way to fast for the road conditions and here I am the one who overturned his vehicle . " George went into the back room and came out with a box . He pulled out a ring box . " Here you go , something for the little woman . I don 't think Martha would mind . She said it would come in handy some day . " The young man looked inside to see the biggest diamond ring he 'd ever saw . " I can 't take this , " said the young man . " It means something to you . " " And now it means something to you , " replied George . " I 've got my memories . That 's all I need . " George reached into the box again . A car and a truck appeared next . They were toys that the oil company had left for him to sell . " Here 's something for that little man of yours . " The young man turned with tears streaming down his face . " I 'll be here in the morning for work , if that job offer is still good . " " Nope . I 'm closed Christmas Day , " George said . " See you the day after . " George turned around and found the stranger had returned . " Where 'd you come from ? I thought you 'd left ? " " I 've been here . I have always been here , " said the stranger . " You say you don 't celebrate Christmas . Why is that ? " " Well , after my wife passed away , I just couldn 't see what all the bother was . Putting up a tree and all seemed a waste of a good pine tree . Baking cookies like I used to with Martha just wasn 't the same by myself and besides I was getting a little chubby . " The stranger put his hand on George 's shoulder . " But you do celebrate the holiday , George . You gave me food and drink and warmed me when I was cold and hungry . The woman with child who you loaned your truck will bear a son and he will become a great doctor . The policeman you helped will go on to save many people from being killed and helping the injured . The young man who tried to rob you will make you a wealthy man and not take any for himself . " That is the spirit of the season and you keep it as good as any man . " " Trust me , George . I have the inside track on this sort of thing . And when your days are done , you will be with Martha again . " The stranger moved toward the door . " If you will excuse me , George , I have to go now . I have to go home where there is a big celebration planned . " Les looked at me and had tears rolling down his face . " You see Jim . That young man that the cop was chasing and was going to rob your grandfather was me . Most people would never believe this story . I 've told it to your mom , dad and to my wife . I promised your granddad that I would be his best employee ever . " My dad spoke next . " I came home on Christmas Day to be with my father , he seemed so different . He appeared happier than I 've seen him since my mother passed . He told me the same story that Les just told you . I have to admit , it was a hard story to believe but my dad had never lied to me . " I was told the story many years ago . My granddad passed away a happy and content man . My father took over running the gas station and I ran the grocery store . Les was his right hand man ; they were about the same age . I met Les 's family and wondered if his kids ever knew about their fathers past . We all had a good and comfortable life . I took over complete control running the grocery store and dad and Les ran the garage . We all made a good living and I had time to continue writing on the side . Everything was fine , till Mom got sick and eventually died . Dad seemed to handle it ok ; I knew he was lonely , but he put on a good front for the rest of us . I was married and Janet , my wife worked at the store with me . Our two kids were in high school now and even helped out . Life was good ; I just wished my dad could meet someone to enjoy the rest of his life with . It was February and he asked me if I would drive him to Kentucky . My uncle on my mom 's side had passed away and Dad was going to the funeral . Needless to say , I agreed to drive him . Les said he would watch the garage and Janet would take care of the store . She mentioned it would be good for me to spend a little more time with my father . I mentioned to Janet that Dad wanted to spend a few days there and that I would miss Valentines Day . She laughed and said we could go out for dinner after I got back . We kissed goodbye and Dad and I headed for Kentucky . As we drove down the highway , I could see my dad was thinking and every now and then , he would smile . " What 's making you smile Dad ? " I asked . " That 's why I was smiling . I was thinking about Rose . I dated her before I met your mother . When I went into the service , she started dating Charlie , your mother 's cousin . She got pregnant and they got married . I was really hurt when I found out she 'd gotten married . " When I got out of the service , I went back to Kentucky and met your mother . I was surprised to find out she was Charlie 's cousin . It made things difficult knowing she was related to the man that ended up marrying my old girlfriend . We dated for three months and I asked her to marry me . I told her I was going into business with my father , your grandfather . She said yes and we moved from Kentucky to Ohio . A year later you were born . " " Charlie died five years ago in an auto accident . He was Uncle Frank 's son , the funeral we 're attending . Last I heard , Rose was still single and has two grown kids , a son and a daughter and even grandkids . " " Jimmy , " my dad is the only person to still call me Jimmy , " Throughout life we meet many people . Some are just acquaintances and others become friends . Rose and I dated for two years during high school . We thought it best not to be tied down while I was in the service . I loved her but could hardly blame her for dating anyone , we were only eighteen . Yes , I guess I 've always had feelings for her . I both loved and hated her . That 's part of the reason why your mom and I moved back to Ohio . " " Yes , we didn 't keep secrets from each other . That 's one reason she was happy to move to Ohio . That way , old feelings wouldn 't be there to haunt us . That doesn 't mean I didn 't still have feelings for Rose , but I filed them away in my heart . I truly loved your mother with all my heart and told her so all the time . There isn 't anything I wouldn 't do for your mother . We had a great life , till the good Lord took her away . " " Yes , I suppose she will . She 's the one that called me about Frank 's death . I really debated whether to go to the funeral . I went to the cemetery and cried over Mary 's grave . I know a lot of people don 't believe in that sort of thing , but I do . I felt your mom 's presence and her telling me to go on with my life and be happy . " We got ourselves a motel room and Dad made a call . About a half hour later , there was a knock on the door . Dad said he would get it and there was a good - looking woman at the door ; it was Rose . She had tears coming down her face when she first saw Dad . She hugged him and he hugged her back ; they were both smiling . I could see tears in Dad 's eyes also . Dad introduced me to Rose saying she was an old friend , of course I knew better . Dad had invited her out to dinner with us and she took us to one of the local eateries . They talked about Frank 's funeral and thought it better to see each other before the funeral . They sure got that right . Rose was a beautiful woman who didn 't look anywhere near her fifty - nine years of age . Dad seemed happy ; it made me feel good . He was a good man and deserved a good life . byDG Hear © 27 comments / 37503 views / 19 favoritesShare the loveTweetReport a BugSubmit bug reportNext2 Pages : 1212GoLogin or Sign UpStoriesPoemsStory SeriesTags PortalChatForumAdult StoreMoviesWebcamsMobile VersionFAQSearchEnglish | Spanish | German | French | Dutch | Other languagesAll contents © Copyright 1998 - 2012 . Literotica is a trademark . 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Today is a great day to spend in my pajama pants . I had a really hard time just trying to fit breakfast into my still stuffed belly . . . it was a great Thanksgiving ! Branden and I hadn 't had an actual Thanksgiving meal in 2 years , so it was wonderful to taste all of those wonderful foods again . Although , I will say that I really am a sad excuse for an American because normally Thanksgiving food does little to excite me . Turkey is not my favorite meat , I am not a fan of pumpkin pie , stuffing is really iffy , and cranberries just make me think of a UTI . This has actually been a good thing for me in the past because it meant that I was the only person not engorging themselves to the point of sickness . With all that said , my mom - in - law introduced me to fabulous twists on Thanksgiving food that had me unbuttoning my pants and heading for seconds ! Last night 's food was also amazing , and I happily did my part in eating like a true American . We couldn 't find butterscotch because it 's not very popular over here so we had to make our sweet potatoes with brown sugar and cinnamon with marshmallows on the top . . . the Germans were baffled ( as well as most of the other non - Americans at our feast ) . It was a hit though , and I don 't think there was much , if any , left by the end of the night . It was actually my first time making sweet potatoes and my first time eating them like this because as I said above , it wasn 't my kind of food . . . or so I thought . We left the festivities a little early so that we could Skype my parents . My mom and dad were hosting Thanksgiving at their house so we got to see my grandparents , my aunt , a few cousins , and my cousin 's almost 2 year old son . He is so cute ! It was really nice to see everyone again and give a little catch up . I 'm pretty sure my grandpa wasn 't able to hear anything we said since he 's so deaf , but he still sat in the room and smiled at us through the screen . Since most of you will be busy with Thanksgiving tomorrow , I 'm posting my festive wishes today . Branden and I are going to a Thanksgiving dinner with friends so we will be busy as well . Hopefully we can make my mom - in - law 's butterscotch sweet potato mash but I don 't remember seeing butterscotch in most stores here . Fingers crossed , we find it and blow everyone 's mind with this incredible mash ! My mom - in - law actually posted this on her Facebook page yesterday and so decided to share it today . I hope you all have a wonderful day of thanks . For as little as Branden and I seem to have , we sure do have bucket loads to be thankful for ! My boss was gone on a job so I had to go unlock the house of a very small and very old man . I was nervous but confident ; I knew how to pick locks . So pick kit in hand , I met him at his door . The picking began , and as I worked , I noticed a twelve year old boy 's comical dream come true ! The old man apparently had no control over his bodily noises and would squeak a few out every so often . Lucky for me , despite my close proximity to him , it didn 't smell , but I was having quite a time not laughing . After a half an hour , resulting in a major blister on my finger , the lock would not pick ! This isn 't entirely uncommon , picking isn 't all skill , its odds too . The old fart ( pun intended ) mentioned that he had problems with the front door and it didn 't work right . . . NOW he tells me ! I asked if he had any other doors and he said that there was a side door by his garage . I told him to lead the way , and then I noticed something even better than the simple ' gas leak ' problem : Every step he took was accompanied by a very bubbly fart ! I still have no idea how I didn 't die of laughter ! We got to the side door ( still no smell thank God ) , and I worked on that for a while . I still had no luck , and then he informed me that this lock wasn 't working well either . Thanks Buddy ! I had no idea what to do , and then he mentioned a sliding glass door on the OTHER side of the house . This is a good sized house , so I had to hold back my laughter as he let loose his bowels every step of the way ! When we got to the slider , I noticed that there was no lock on it , thus I could not pick it ! He pointed to the kitchen window next to it and said that it was always unlocked so I could crawl through ( very professional ) . The only problem was that it was probably 10 feet off the ground . Captain Farts Alot said he had a ladder . . . in the garage . . . on the OTHER side of the house ! So I followed him , farting every step , back around the house to the garage ! My stomach was hurting from holding in laughter by now . He got the ladder and wouldn 't let me carry it back to the window because he was trying to be a gentleman and not burden my feminine frame with heavy lifting . He was already crippled up and bent over , so I was afraid he was just going to break in half from the ladder . Nope , the added weight just put extra umph and strain to his gassy trudge back to the window ! Must be professional , can 't laugh ; Must be professional , can 't laugh ! I crawled through his window , got him in , went to my car , and DIED of laughter . I was there for an hour with the human fart machine , and I never laughed until I was in my car where he couldn 't see . . . although I bet he and the whole town heard me laughing all the way back to work ! Posted by In my 27 years of life , I have been blessed . My grandparents are still alive , except for my mom 's dad who died when I was only 6 , and I haven 't lost any aunts , uncles , or cousins . We have lost 2 of Branden 's grandpas since we have been married , but those are his stories so I didn 't feel right in sharing them . I did have a cat who lived to be 19 and I held her as she slipped from the world but that is for another day . Very recently , I experienced my first lost of someone who had been in my life from almost the beginning . Here 's the story of my second grade teacher . When I was very young , I had one big thing I was really looking forward to : second grade . My older sister told me the fabulous tales about how amazing it would be . What was so special about second grade ? Mrs . Raycraft . Sure there were other second grade teachers , but there was nothing more exciting than knowing you got to be in Mrs . Raycraft 's class . She went to the same church as us so I knew how much she loved hugs even before I stepped into her class . When the blessed age came and the school year started , I excitedly started my year with Mrs . Raycraft . I gave her a hug every single day ( probably twice if you include saying ' goodbye ' ) , and when she hurt her arm and had it in a sling , I gave her ' half hugs ' so I didn 't bump her bad arm . She loved reading in her class , and two books I remember were Shilo and Where the Red Fern Grows . Shilo was about a platypus , and we had a stuffed animal Shilo that we took turns taking home for the weeknd . Now if you know anything about Where the Red Fern Grows , you would know it has a very sad ending . Even though Mrs . Raycraft read this every year to her class , she always ended up crying when she got near the end and had to have a student finish it for her . The highlight of the year though , was the month long study on Hawaii that ended with a big luau party . We learned how to spell Hawaii 's state fish , the humuhumunukunukuapuaa ( I didn 't even have to google that ! ) , and enjoyed some tasty food , including a coconut that had been mailed whole with the address stamped on the husk . It was a great year , but it wasn 't a sad ending because I knew that Mrs . Raycraft didn 't stop at just being a second grade teacher . She loved each and every one of her students , so when summer vacation came along , she would get sad and miss being with the kids . Keeping up with her students was important as well , so she went to every year 's high school graduation to see her students on . Of course I got to still see her at church , until we changed churches when I was 13 , but it 's a small town so she was always in and out of my life . And each time I saw her , I always gave her a huge hug . She was at my sis 's graduation and at my graduation , and when my sis got married , she and her wonderful husband were at the wedding . When my wedding finally came , I excitedly sent an invitation to her and her husband , knowing that she wouldn 't miss this special moment of mine for the world . And she didn 't miss it . Her and her husband sat smiling in the back as I cried my way through the ceremony . Earlier this year when I was back in the States , I worked with my mom cleaning houses . Mrs . Raycraft was finishing her last ever school year before retiring this summer and her husband was very ill and unable to get around , so my mom was cleaning her house . I got to tag along and had such a good time catching up with her husband and giving a little company to their ever so sweet German Shepherd , Maddie . The first time I went to clean with my mom , I noticed she had a photo of my sis , bro - in - law , and nephew on her fridge . It was a wonderful reminder that she was so much more than our second grade teacher . About a week before Branden and I moved to Ireland , Mrs . Raycraft 's husband passed away and I was unable to go to the funeral . The entire trip to the States , I hadn 't been able to see Mrs . Raycraft and I really wished I could have been at the funeral to just give her one more hug , but sadly , we weren 't able to go . Branden and I moved soon after , Mrs . Raycraft retired , and then discovered she had cancer . My mom continued to clean for her and would give reports on how Branden and I were doing . Mom would also give reports to Branden and me on how she was doing . The treatment was very harsh and she wasn 't taking it very well . We send out a monthly newsletter to our family and friends back home that Mom would print out and take to her . I also wrote her a letter and emailed it to mom to take to her . Something I 've never really mentioned in my posts before , is just how Branden and I survive financially over here . The only way we have been able to pay our bills and have food to eat is from the generosity of family and friends . Mrs . Raycraft didn 't have much , so I remember the tears springing to my eyes when my mom told us that she was going to be contributing what little bit she could monthly . Living by donations is humbling enough , but I felt an extra tug on my heartstrings as this woman , who had lost so much recently , and who technically was ' just my 2nd grade teacher ' , had yet again made sure to be there through the biggest moments of my life . The world was warm and pleasantly hazy . I don 't remember what I was dreaming but it was nice because it meant I was asleep . My whole body was in paralyzed slug mode and had no intention of becoming mobile anytime soon . The dream continued and flowed along with the wonderful slumber that I was so deeply engrossed in . In an instant , the dream sharply disappeared , my body startled , and my brain was telling me " Someone is crying ! " as my heart pumped heavily in my ears . I tried to compute , going over in my head that Branden was already gone for class so it was sometime in the 9 o ' clock hour , our housemates typically were all gone by this time in the morning , and our thick windows were closed , so where would there be crying ? My heart still pounded from my startled awakening as I strained for a sound . . . Very , very faintly , and far off in some random neighbor 's garden , I heard little kids giggling . Surely that 's so soft , it couldn 't have woken me up , plus they sounded like they were having fun and playing from the little bits I could strain to hear . But then I heard him . One little guy apparently wasn 't having as much fun and let out a few wails in between giggles . Dang internal mom instinct ! I was sleeping ! I 've got years before I need this instinct so why won 't it take advantage of sleeping while it can with the rest of me ? ! ? Oh well , I suppose I should be happy that I even have this instinct . . . and can still sleep in past 9 almost every day . On a side note , I decided to make ' fancy ' coffee this morning . Brown sugar and cinnamon coffee sounded chic , but now that I have it , it kind of tastes like soap . Again , oh well , I need the caffeine ! It 's about halfway through November so I can 't contain it any longer . I can 't resist Christmas music anymore ! My mom - in - law is an artist and she just had her huge Christmas sale at her art studio over the weekend so I 've been looking at wonderful Christmas foofoo for weeks now ( she 's shared lots of fun photos with us ) . Normally around this time of the year , I start creating festive decor like a mad woman . I am a paper chain freak , although I use more than paper . I will make a garland out of almost anything as long as it is the right color scheme . This year is a bit different though . All of our Christmas decor is still in Edinburgh with our friends who also were our neighbors . Even if we did have the decorations they would be taped up in a box and crying for me to let them out . The sad thing is that we have no place to put anything . We had a mini tree and lots of mini decorations , but now we have everything we own in our one bedroom so space is just not available . All of our surface space is taken , and even though I make nice looking containers to hold all of our things , Branden and I still feel like things are cluttered and driving us crazy ! It can 't be a good sign when you feel like you need to purge your one room . I have tons of Christmas creative urges rushing through my mind and not a thing I can do with them . I suppose that means that all of my Christmas spirit will need to be poured into Christmas music then . The song I 'm sharing today is one that I actually had never heard until I met my mom - in - law . I love classic Christmas songs and don 't know how this one slipped by because it 's fabulous ! My mom - in - law LOVES Christmas . She really decks the house out , and being an artist , she makes amazing holiday decor ! My mom and dad - in law last Christmas at their home For a number of years , Branden and his family would drive over to Leavenworth , a Bavarian styled town tucked away in the Cascade Mountain Range , and stay for a weekend before Christmas to get them in the spirt of things . Around Christmas time , the town turns into what my mom - in - law described to me as a festive snow globe . Our first " Married Christmas " together , Branden and I flew back from Scotland to be with family for almost a month . I got to join his family on their yearly trip to " snow globe city " . It was absolutely breathtaking and Branden 's mom got more and more like an excited child the closer we got . The first day of the trip , we just drove over to the Seattle side of the Puget Sound to do some Christmas shopping and get a night 's sleep before heading into the mountains . The second day , we arrived in Leavenworth and it was absolutely incredible . There were kids sledding , carolers on the streets , smells of gingerbread and spiced drinks , and adorable bundled up families taking it all in . Outside of our hotel that was right across the street from the above photo . . . talk about a view ! My mom - in - law , who I call Momma Bean , was so excited to finally have another girl on the trip , so as we enjoyed snoop shopping , the boys could go enjoy some sledding . We also got to go up to a lodge for some sleigh riding and dinner . It was beautiful ! It was a magical little weekend and really put the Christmas spirit in us ! This year will be different with not much of a chance to decorate and with us staying in Ireland . Next Monday I 'll have to share the wonders of Christmas in Edinburgh ! It was incredibly beautiful and festive at Christmas time which we ache to be missing out on this year . But this year is a new adventure , so I am excited to see what Christmas will bring . Either way , Branden and I are just so happy that we get to be with each other for the holidays . So without further ado , and without Thanksgiving to hold me back , here 's the fabulous Dean and Frankie to wet your Christmas appetites . They are having way too much fun singing this ! I love it ! I mentioned a prank of freezing mentos in ice and then putting them in diet coke . I decided to see if anyone has done this so I turned to my good friend youtube . Unfortunately I was highly disappointed to find that it didn 't work ! I checked some other videos too but still no luck . This did give me an idea though . Even though the mentos didn 't explode , they still would make the coke taste horrible . So what about freezing other discrete nasty flavors in ice and then placing them in unsuspecting drinks ! On to a more entertaining to watch prank . Elisa may be nicer on her brother and not go for this type of prank but I found it extremely funny to watch ! Thank goodness I didn 't know how to do this when I was a kid ! So any ideas ? Comments ? Further youtube videos ? Or if you have any random questions you have for me then I 'm open to that as well . . . . now where 's my coffee ? ? ? Happy Friday everyone . The week started off a bit rocky and then I did get the news that my beloved family friend and 2nd grade teacher passed away on Wednesday . She 's joining her husband who left this world only 8 months before her . They have 2 boys and grandchildren , so I know this can 't be an easy time for their family . I am actually doing alright . I think having a few days of prepping for it helped me to put things into perspective . Another thing that has really helped is that I 'm finally going to get involved in some volunteer work here ! I have been so excited these past couple of weeks that I can hardly contain it . Yesterday , while watching Oprah ( yes , Ireland still thinks she 's in her final season ) , I got the crazy idea that I need to start another blog . I 'll be working on the basic set up over the weekend but it will be a completely different space than my Padded Cell . I debated just sharing my volunteer experiences here but I think it 's best to separate them since they will be attracting different audiences and I can be more free in pouring out my heart 's passion in something that 's not a ' comedy blog ' . I 'm not telling you what I 'm doing yet , but after I launch the new blog you can take a peek and see where I really come alive . Since Branden now has a job , he will be working all day on Saturdays . I typically don 't blog on the weekends but that doesn 't mean a lot of you fabulous bloggers aren 't out and about in blogland . So , starting tomorrow , I will be starting an open blog post on Saturdays where we can have open conversations through the comments . I definitely think I have the best commenters in blogland so I 'm pretty confident we can come up with some pretty hilarious convos . If you happen to be out and about in blogland on Saturday , stop on by and I 'll be open for any questions you may have or topics you may want to discuss . All I ask is that we keep it ' family friendly ' , fun , and no debating because this is not meant to be a serious place ( that and I really know NOTHING about politics , economics , and all the big things that intelligent people like to scream at each other over ) . I think we may need to kick off tomorrow 's conversation with best prank ideas . Elisa over at Crazy Life of a Writing Mom is in a prank war with her brother and since her brother doesn 't read my blog ( or at least I 'm pretty sure he doesn 't ) , I 'm sure we can brainstorm some great prank ideas ! I saw something on Pinterest last night that said to freeze mentos in icecubes and then put them in your friend 's diet coke . Then about 5 minutes later , their drink will explode on them ! This morning I looked at Branden and said , " I think it 's time I shared about my crazy ex eyebrow waxer . " This is another tale from my past days as a locksmith and was written back in January 2006 . I read this and thought that maybe I was a bit harsh on the woman , but then I remembered how much I would shake like a nervous Chihuahua around her as I tried to brace myself for whatever piece of TMI would come from her mouth . As I read this story back to myself , I realized that it had a great moral to it : I had a hairdresser from the bad side of the trailer park . . . oh yes , there 's a bad side . I went to a nice salon to get my eyebrows waxed ( plucking made me sneeze ) and a trim ( my hair , not my eyebrows ! ) . Anyhoo , I got this wacky haired hairdresser who we will call Flonaise ( because I think she likes nose candy ) . So Flo did my eyebrows and they were really good . . . actually perfect ! Then she started on my trim . We talked , and at that time I was teaching youth group , which she got really interested in . She had two middle school aged boys and wanted them to start getting involved in church stuff . Then she noticed that my tongue was pierced ( it 's not anymore ) and got all excited ! She asked me the usual ' did it hurt ? ' ' how do I like it ? ' , stuff like that . She then proceeded to tell me that her and her girlfriend almost got their " coochies " pierced ( excuse the spelling but this word is not part of my vocabulary ! ) . Less than 5 minutes ago we were talking about church but now I get to hear all about her ' candy land ' ! Thankfully , I got out of there with amazing eyebrows and a so - so trim . As disturbed as I was by this woman , I went back because I am a people pleaser who can 't say no it is tough to find a good eyebrow waxer . If they get the wax too hot they can burn and blister your skin , but if it 's too cold they can rip skin off ! Since blisters and scabs really weren 't a popular trend , I went back numerous times . One day God smiled on me ! Flo told me she was leaving the salon and opening her own hair place . I thought ' Sweet ! I 'll never have to see her again and I 'll finally get another lady here to do my eyebrows ! ' I left smiling just thinking about never having to hear about that crack - head 's coochie again ! It was about a few weeks later , I was at work , and suddenly Flo drove up to my office ! I dove behind the counter , crawled back to the workshop , and spied on her . She was moving in to the office space next to mine ! God laughed at me . I managed to avoid her for a while but was starting to get desperate since I didn 't have the courage to try out another waxer , so I had become a wanna be plucker ( and it wasn 't working ) . Finally , she came into my office , saw me behind the counter , and asked why I hadn 't been over . I of course lied and said that I had been busy . I scheduled a waxing appointment that day people pleaser , people pleaser , people pleaser ! ! It was kind of nice to have my waxer just next door , even though I learned all about her unhappy relationship and how often her boyfriend took his daily # 2 deposit ! But then her ex husband started coming around . No biggie , he wasn 't in my shop , right ? Considering he was above the age of 40 , his " old man pervert who has to hit on Maggie " radar went off . He came in to my shop , even had a job for me to do . . . a house call ! Luckily I didn 't do house calls . HE was exactly the reason why I didn 't do them , so I threw him to my boss . Of course he had to stay in my office and make friendly chatter about random things . Somehow my car was brought up and I said something about how I wanted to take off the tinting . He got all excited because he used to do tinting and knew exactly how to remove it . He said he could have it off for me in 30 minutes and wanted my phone number so he could call me and arrange a time to do it . Um , No . I told him to give the office a call if he wanted to get ahold of me , but I could do it on my own . Well , he was insistent and really wanted to do it , but luckily for me , he had to leave to meet my boss at his house call . As soon as he left , I called my boss and told him that if Dirty Old Man asked about me , I was married ! When my boss came back from the job , he cracked up and told me that as he worked on this guy 's car , the guy talked all about how nice I was and bla bla bla , so my boss piped up with , " Yeah , she 's great ! I thought I was gonna lose her after she got married , but luckily she 's still working for me ! " The guy got really quiet and asked , " Oh , she 's married ? " My boss just said , ' Yep ' , and the guy never spoke of me again . The guy came in to pay his bill but never even looked at me ! No friendly chit chat , no offer to take my tinting off , nothing ! It was great ! * Of course , since this time , I have worked in an actual drug clinic and have discovered that I really get on with most drug addicts . I look back and laugh at my reaction to this poor hairdresser . I hope you all enjoyed laughing at my naiveness as much as I did ! Oh , and I of course don 't think people in their 40 's are old but when I was in my early 20 's , any man who was 20 years older than me and hitting on me , was " old " ! I 'm all for being unique and having a catchy new angle on things but this is a bit of a puzzle to me . Do any of you get it ? ? What does a moon or a pig have to do with greeting cards ? ! * Side note : Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts and prayers . I don 't have any further information since my last post so I 'm just in a waiting game . Hopefully I 'll be making my blog rounds today . I received some hard news last night . My 2nd grade teacher , who is one of the most loving women I have known over my short life and has been a great family friend , is losing her life to cancer . I don 't have a lot of details , but I have been told it 's not going to be long . We 'll see how it goes but I may not be visiting blogs or even blogging for a bit . I don 't know what your beliefs are and I 'm not one to shove my beliefs on anyone , but I 'm sharing a favorite hymn of mine that I think is fitting . My good bloggy buddy Bodacious Boomer occasionally posts photos for her ' Bizzarometer ' . I happened to come across a photo that I thought would be a perfect submission ! Go rate it , give it your best caption , and wish Boomer well as she is recovering from surgery from having kidney stones ! Poor thing ! Scope - Tech posted his breast cancer charity photo post and I am in it since I submitted a photo . It may be a photo of me in my wedding dress , but normally I 'm a very modest woman who doesn 't feel comfortable showing cleavage . Since I was drugged up on my wedding day ( read My Love Story ) , I didn 't notice or care that I was practically popping out of the top of my dress ! It wasn 't until we got photos back that I saw how bad it was . I asked Branden , " Why on earth didn 't you tell me that I was showing that much cleavage ! ? ! " . He just responded with , " I thought you looked great ! " . Oh well , I ended up getting to use it for a good cause ! Go check it out ! And finally , take a hop over to Elisa at Crazy Life of a Writing Mom . I was excited when she told me that I 'm her featured blogger of the month ! She has the ability to make you go through every emotion while reading just one of her blog posts . The stories about her kids are incredible and I can only hope and pray that mine end up half as creative as hers ! Thanks for featuring me this month Elisa . I can 't wait for your BOOK LAUNCH coming up this month ! ! ! After sharing some stories about my parents yesterday , I had ever intention of blogging about my in - laws today . . . not an easy thing to do . Branden and I have been sitting on the bed brainstorming about how on earth we can even begin to introduce his parents . I mean this is a good way . His parents are wonderful and I love them to bits , it 's just they are some of the most random ' characters ' I have ever met . After throwing around some sasquatch , pirate , and alien invasion stories , we couldn 't decide where to start , so we changed our focus . I don 't know why his dad is making this face but I love this photo ! If you look in the background you can see lots of hats hanging on the wall . This is one of our favorite restaurants because you get to wear random hats through your dinner ! This was last Valentine 's Day . We were with them and had a blast ! Today you all get to meet Beauford instead . He 's their 210lb . purebred St . Bernard . After you hear about his character , it will put into perspective how his owners must be even more complex ! He is the biggest baby of a dog I have ever met ! Despite how huge he is ( he has walked past me and hit me in between the shoulder blades with his tail ! ) he is absolutely petrified of Chihuahuas and ducks , and he used to have a fear of puddles but thankfully he got over that one ! There are some Chihuahuas who live next door and when they started coming up to Beauford 's driveway to bark at him , Beau didn 't want to leave the porch for a week ! He will start whining and shaking if he hears them barking . Beauford may have some odd fears , but for the most part he is a happy dog who takes 2 hardcore naps a day and loves peanut butter sandwiches . Branden 's parents have a big projector screen in their basement that is like a mini theater . Beauford loves to watch movies and gets very involved sometimes . I remember one time we watched " Wall - e " and Beauford started chasing the cockroach around the screen . He has his own movie that is basically some random footage at a dog park . Beau will go nuts jumping up after sticks , barking at the yappy dogs , and seeing how many butts he can try and sniff . There is one part though that we have to fast forward because he gets really upset over it . It 's a scene of a male dog that is standing over a submissive female and barking like crazy at her to keep her laying down . Some other males come over and bark at the poor female too and this drives Beau nuts ! He tries to bark the males away , and when they don 't go away he goes up to each of us and tries to make us go stop them . He 'll either nudge us , bark at us , or even softly take our hand in his mouth to ' lead us ' to where the poor female is . Since he gets so upset , we just end up fast forwarding to keep him from stressing out . Beauford and I quickly became buddies . He likes women anyway , but he has lots of fun dragging me around in my socks across the floor when we play tug of war . When we Skype Branden 's parents , sometimes Beau gets really frustrated because he can hear my voice but he can 't get to me . He will bark and bark at the screen and grab Branden 's mom 's hand in attempt to make her go get me . The other day when we were talking to Branden 's mom , she put her laptop on the couch ( facing towards the room ) so she could go get something in another part of the house . When she left the room , I saw Beauford just laying on the floor , attempting to snooze . I started calling him and he soon got up and started groggily looking around . His first reaction to my voice was to go directly to his toys . When I didn 't just grab a toy and start playing with him , he walked to the door to go see if maybe I was in another room . I called him again , so he turned around towards the computer , saw my face on the screen , and walked over to sniff my face . Obviously not smelling me ( despite being able to see me ) , he walked away to go get Branden 's mom to get me out . Branden and I were cracking up but also felt a bit bad for him since we got him a bit excited . So that 's my intro to Beauford Clarence ( he has a middle name ! ) . My big hairy buddy . I 'll start on how to introduce my in - laws on Monday ! As a lot of you saw yesterday , Branden and I went ' all out ' to make a fun video for our nephew 's 5th birthday . He absolutely loved it ! Poor Chrissy has had to watch it 8 times ( until the battery finally died in her computer ) because her nephews have become hooked as well . My mom sent an email to us yesterday that had us cracking up ( that woman is fabulous ! ) . She did her own movie review and I can 't resist sharing it : Once again i was not disappointed in the creativity of this * our last name * classic . This couple never ceases to outdo themselves in their expanse of imaginational musings . I can truly say this is one of their best yet ; blowing such others as " Little Bunny Foo Foo " and " Happy Birthday Ma " completely out of the water in epic proportions . To include a few bloopers gives it a rare twist and the creation of the moving backdrop was ingenious to say the least . I 'd definately give this one 5 out of 5 stars - - - - this film is a must see ! ps . while trying to type this out , i managed to make 625 spelling errors , fall off my chair , and finally finish my first cup of coffee . I think I 'm awake now . I felt the need to share her email because maybe then my kind readers can start to understand where my humor comes from . My parents have been married for almost 26 years and would be absolutely lost without eachother . With that said , I have to tell on my dad . I 'm sorry dad . You know I 'm your little girl , but these are just too good to pass up ! About a year and a half ago , dad bought an airsoft assult rifle at some garage sale and wondered if those little plastic bb 's actual hurt . Now a normal airsoft gun can leave a welt and sometimes a bruise when you 're shot but the assult rifle is a bit worse ! Dad first considered shooting the dog to see what kind of reaction he would get , but since that would be mean , he looked around for something more ' humane ' to shoot . His eyes soon landed on my mom , who was all peaceful and content sitting in the house . . . so he shot her in the back ! Mom screamed and jumped up ! She ended up with a pretty good welt and dad learned that yes , those plastic bb 's really do hurt ! About a month ago , my parents were finally settled in bed when dad realized that he left his shop unlocked . It 's down a hill and through some trees from the house and since he was tired , he decided that he was going to just leave it . The next thing he knew , mom was getting out of bed to go do it for him , in the dark ! He was too tired to stop her , but a bit after she left he went out there to go with her . By this time she was already headed back . . . in the dark . . . so dad got the " bright idea " to hide since she hadn 't seen him . He crouched down , and when she walked by he let out a very low growel noise and grabbed her ankle ! Mom fliped out and started crying because she was so scared . They live in a place with cougars and bears so I would have pissed my pants too ! Dad felt so bad ; he is still trying to make it up to her ! I love and miss my parents so much . It 's hard to be away from them at this time of the year but looking back on memories like these make it just a little easier . Posted by He is the first baby that I have ever fallen in love with . It 's hard to imagine that your heart can expand so much but then my sis had another one ( who just turned a year old ) and he made our hearts grow once again . I love my nephews to bits and I wish I had more stories to share with the younger one , but sadly we haven 't had as much time together . Since it is Hunter 's birthday , I figured I 'd share some more fun memories . When he was first born , I was dubbed " Auntie Bed " because that baby would fall asleep on me almost instantly . He was not much of a sleeper , so during his first year we had to find ways of getting him to fall asleep , since placing him in a crib and letting him cry himself to sleep was not possible . . . that kid just got angry and would spitefully cry for hours and hours with no hint of being worn out ( I think it actually gave him a kick of adrenaline ! ) . My poor sis tried so many techniques including some natural plan that came with a workbook and guarantee that the creator only had 2 cases of failure in 20 some years . After a week from hell , Katie sent the book back with a not so happy note that the lady needed to make it 3 cases . . . At some point , someone discovered dancing him to sleep . I think it was mom , but anyway , we had a certain CD that we started playing and one of us would hold him close to us as we slowly swayed and danced to the music . I loved doing this with him . It was so sweet to watch his little eyelids finally flutter shut . Then I could quietly take him to his room and gently rest him in his crib . Just before he turned one , his time with us in Washington was over and he and Katie went back to California because my bro - in - law 's deployment was finally over . I did get to fly down and visit them , which was fun , as Hunter was starting to talk and become quite the character . He loved the Spongebob Squarepants theme song and being the cool Auntie I am , I would sing it to him ( because yes , I just so happen to know it ) . Since his vocabulary was limited , whenever he wanted someone to sing it to him , he would all of a sudden bust out in his best pirate grumble , " Oooooooooh . . . . . " and wait for us to burst into , " Who lives in a pineapple under the sea ? " to which he would chime in " Ponbob Warebans " or something like that . However , singing this would get a bit old for us adults and the situation would usually end up like this : The next time they came back up to Washington while my bro - in - law was deployed again , Hunter was just over 2 years old and one of the first things I wanted to do was dance him to sleep . I had missed my baby so I wanted to have that feeling of his small little body snuggled into mine as he drifted to sleep . My mom and sis looked at me a bit weird since he was quite a bit bigger now , but I turned the same CD on and gently danced and swayed . Soon my arms started to burn and the sweat started to cover me as that toddler turned into a sweltering sack of concrete ! I prayed he would fall asleep fast because I had no idea how long I could manage holding him as he magically grew heavier and heavier . My mind started wondering if it really would be possible for my arms to just fall off from sheer exhaustion , but he finally dozed off and I painfully slipped back into his room to gently place him in his crib . . . but I found another hurdle . Since he was bigger now , the bottom of the crib had been lowered . I am by no means tall , and soon found that I was hovering on my tiptoes trying to get the slumbering babe as close to the bottom as I could . I couldn 't quite reach , so I just had to drop him in and pray that he didn 't wake up on impact . Thankfully I was close enough and he stayed blissfully sleeping . I felt like such a bad Auntie ! Thankfully though , he 's a brilliant kid so I know no harm was done ! Well , I 'm off to work on his birthday video . I 've already made a paper towel roll boat , Branden 's working on the moving scenery , and I 've got moveable ocean waves to finish ! We may actually put this video on youtube . . . Posted by Welcome to my crazy life ! Now married and living in my third country within two years , things are as wild as ever and also never better . American born , my husband and I lived in Scotland for over a year and now we are settling into bonny Ireland . So sit back , loosen your straight jacket buckles and enjoy my freak show ! It 's been quite a while . There have been a lot of changes since I 've been away and life has been very busy ! Here 's a quick overv . . . Well thank you everyone for your well wishing comments about my cousins visit . We had a great time ! They even were able to stay in one of th . . . So as I posted yesterday , I got my hair cut . It was actually Branden 's idea . His hair was getting a bit foofy and I was struggling to d . . . |
The day I heard the news , the day that phone call never came , was a bright sunny day - one of those beautiful early spring days . I remember staring out the window wondering what was wrong with the world . How could the sun shine on a day like this ? And the day we drove to the airport , and my heart was overflowing with sheer happiness - I was on my way to see my husband ! - the skies opened and it poured ! I smiled wryly at the weather 's inability to coordinate with my moods . The friend who drove me to the airport brought along a young man he had been working with . This made my trip a little awkward as we were unable to talk about what was going on . Instead we talked only of superficial things in broken English . For me , it was only the beginning of learning to be silent when I so wanted to talk . We arrived , bought a ticket , and then had time to waste . So we grabbed a bite of lunch . I did not want to eat , since I had already been fed lunch , but sat and visited with these two men . They would be hanging out in the airport for a few hours and waiting for my mother to arrive . I really did not want to sit and smile and visit . My heart was full , I was exhausted , and if anything , I wanted to talk about what was happening . Sitting just chatting about the weather was tiring . I watched the clock until I could gracefully leave . I thanked my friend , and left a message for my mom and another friend they were picking up that day in the airport . Then I went through security . I was way too early - but my friend had been pretty nervous about finding a ticket , so we had come early . I wandered through a few stores thinking I might buy something , but things seemed so empty after the last few days . I walked to my gate and sat down . Then I began to battle something else - tiredness . Five nights with little to no sleep were catching up , and now that the final worry had left and I knew they were safe , I just wanted to curl up and SLEEP ! But I didn 't dare . I did NOT want to miss this flight ! So I walked , I watched people , and I tried to do some puzzles . But it was tough . I worked on Suduko , something I like doing , but the numbers jumped around on the page . I rubbed my eyes and tried to focus on them , but it only got worse . My vision blurred and went blank - a sea of fuzzy whiteness . I sat for several minutes not seeing anything . My heart thumped and my mind raced through the possibilities of what it could be . Part of my rational mind was telling me that it was just stress , but I had never seen stress do this ! It was lonely and frightening to sit there struggling to see . I so wanted to call for help , but then thought that if I do , they will never let me get on this plane ! So I sat silent , not seeing , just trying to take slow deep breaths to calm down . I closed my eyes , but my mind kept racing . After a few more minutes of breathing slowly and purposefully , I opened them again , and could see a little , but still very blurry and vague . I walked to the bathroom and checked to see if there was something in my eyes , but nothing was there . I was too nervous to sit down again , so began to walk laps around the terminal . I still had an hour to kill before they would load that plane . I woke up three hours later to the smell of eggs frying . I had slept solid for three hours ! This was my fifth night to be awake from this crisis , and how wonderful three hours of sleep felt ! I sat in bed and checked for messages . I had an e - mail from my husband with more news . I also could just pick up the phone and hear his voice ! That made it a good morning - even if things were still tense . But I was upset when I woke up that they were not already out . They were waiting for someone to do one thing . Frustration would sum up how I felt at this point . . . just frustration ! I wanted it to be over . I wanted to be able to take a deep breath and blow it all the way out , not holding a little worry back . I lay in bed , skyping with my husband and updating a few people who had sent questions , and my door opened . In came my friend bringing me breakfast in bed ! Wow ! To be so spoiled ! Hot tea , scrambled eggs done just right and a piece of bread . I ate , and got up to help get the kids ready . Another friend of mine was making lunches for my kids for the whole week so I would not have to worry about that one thing . It was these little gifts that made life much easier for us . Another friend had brought piled of snack , all individually wrapped so there would be after school treats all ready for the kids . All these details cared for - such blessings . From the very first day that I had told the kids the awful news , I had prepared them for what might happen when their daddy came back . I had told them that when daddy came out , he may have to go somewhere for a few days first to get better , and that we would be able to talk to him , but not see him for a few days , and after that he would come home . I had reminded them of that the day before . Today , I broke the news to my kids that I would be leaving to meet daddy , and they would stay here and grandma would come . There were tears , questions , and some understanding . For kids who had just gone through seeing daddy leave and then not knowing if he was coming back , letting their mommy get on a plane was rough . They could mentally understand that I was going to a safe country , not to that place " over there " , but emotionally it was difficult . I began to second guess my decision , but knew I also needed to go . I took them to school that day , spent time dropping them off , and talking with them . I promised to come and say goodbye before I left . They were slowly beginning to be excited about seeing grandma and talk of all the things they could bake with her and how they could do special things to prepare for daddy coming home . My friend had stayed at home to listen to the phones and tell me the second anything happened . The phone call came in while I was gone that they were headed to the airport to leave . When I got home , we both sat waiting by the phone to hear that they arrived safely . Holding our breath . Then came the call - safely through , waiting to board . We began again to smile , and my friend worked on laundry . Another friend stopped by with someone to talk to me , and another friend came over to see how she could help . I looked at her and said , " umm . . . I 've been living in my room for five days , and it is a disaster . I don 't even know what is in there , but my mom is arriving today . Do you think you could get that room ready for her ? " She agreed and promised never to speak about the mess or what she found ! I sat down to talk with the person who came to talk . He would be meeting with my kids while I was gone and checking that they were handling this well emotionally . I discussed my different kids and how they deal with life . We drank more tea and cookies and talked while two people worked in circles around me . I still had not packed my things , only stuff for my husband , and it was getting closer and closer to time to leave for the airport . The friend who had been there the night took over that , and began packing what she thought I would need . This caused a smile later when I found carefully packed in my bag my umm . . " pretty " pair of underwear . I pulled them out and looked at them slightly embarrassed that they had even been in the laundry where these two ladies had seen them , but she just said , " I figured you 'd need those ! " All this time , we waited and waited . There was a delay at the airport . All this time , and another delay ! I was so tired of waiting . . . tense waiting . . . Finally , finally , came the call - " In the plane ! " Finally ! Happy tears . . . again . But there was only a few minutes . The friend that would take me to the airport , quickly ran the visitor home and was coming back to take me to the airport . I hurriedly check my bag and grabbed my toothbrush and medicine . We sat down for a quick lunch , and I ate while making calls to everyone - they are on the plane ! They are really coming home ! There wasn 't even enough time to finish the calls or instructions . Grabbing my bags and a sandwich , we headed out . I stopped to hug my two friends who were going to stay and finish getting everything cleaned up and ready for my mom . One of them would take my kids home with her and keep them until grandma arrived . So I left . We stopped at the school to quickly hug the kids . They clung to me and cried - they wanted their daddy right away ! But they let me go , and I promised to skype them with video as soon as we arrived to they could see and talk to their daddy as long as they wanted . But I cried leaving them . . . wishing I could be in two places at once . . . I woke again in the evening . My friend on duty that evening had fed my kids down my the TV to keep them quiet and was watching a movie with them . I walked down to say hi to them , and then the world went black . I 've struggled with dizziness and passing out off and on for years , but thankfully during the crisis , had been fine . Now it hit hard ! I blacked out completely and swayed . Thankfully , my oldest boys know to watch out for their mom , and one of them jumped and grabbed me and lowered me to the floor . It took a few moments for me to catch my breath and think about sitting up again . Eventually , I got off the floor and sat in my favorite chair . My daughter snuggled up on my lap and my friend brought me another cup of tea . I looked at my daughter 's plate of food and ate one piece of potato . It tasted good - first solid food since the first evening . This friend was a little more stubborn than the others and she decided that I would begin to recover now that he was safe , well , at least half - way safe . So she got up and brought me a plate of potatoes with salt and butter . It was one thing I had been able to get down me when I was pregnant and queasy , so thought it would be a good thing to attempt . Oh how good hot food felt in my tummy ! I ate only a little , not wanting the severe cramps that came that first night , but it was so good ! We put the kids to bed . I snuggled and prayed with each one . Then I came back to the kitchen and my friend had cleaned up everything and had another cup of tea for me . I expected her to go home for the evening , but she asked if she could stay since she lived farther away . She did , and she began to work on my laundry . Now , it was in no state of order before the crisis , so after was fearful ! But she stayed the night and worked until 1 am on getting all my laundry washed , dried , and ironed . What a blessing ! In the meantime , I had talked to my husband and we had decided what would happen tomorrow . I would go and meet the men when they flew out . We would meet and spend some days together not here , but elsewhere . My home church had offered many times to fly my mom out , but I had said to wait until the weekend was over - she was on a holiday and I didn 't see the reason to cancel that if this was going to be a longterm thing . Now I needed her , so she got on a plane . Another couple from our group , but not from our team , had been very , very helpful during all this . They came every day , at least for awhile , to check in . They phoned several times a day . They did all the things I asked them to do - organizing someone to check on my kid 's emotional well - being , being there to do bedtime , thinking over choices with me , even a 3am run to the office for paper we needed ! They phoned this evening again , and I gave them list of things to do - my flight to arrange , travel to the airport to set up for me and my mom , communication , etc . It is not until a time of crisis when you see who you can really count on , and these two proved worth gold . Then I went to find a suitcase . Usually , I only travel with my backpack . I just don 't like to wait for baggage at airports and have learned to travel with only small day pack . But I had no idea what my husband would have with him and what he had lost . So I needed to pack . I went to find a little suitcase , and realized they were under the stairs . Normally , I would send a kid in there after it - there are spiders in there ! ( The boys like to play with spiders , so it is not cruel to them , and I am terrified of spiders . Like the really girly - terrified of spiders . ) So I did not want to crawl under the stairs ! I looked in the crawl space and told myself I just could NOT do it . Then I sat down and began to laugh . . . how could I face all that I have faced in the last days and then be stopped by the threat of a spider ? ? ! ! So I took a breath and went in after the suitcase . I lay it in the hallway and threw some clothes for my husband in it , and then the phone began to ring again and skype beeped . We were so hoping for news anytime that they were in a plane out , but it was not that simple . Issues came up , flights had to be found . . . . and the minutes ticked by . People had to be informed about the situation and that I was leaving . That in itself caused some problems since a few thought that I should not leave to meet the plane , but that they should come here so the whole team could be together right away . But , the men and us two wives wanted some time without all the people at first , so I was going to go . But that night the criticism began . " You are not doing it the way I would do it " and " You didn 't think about us " . These seemed to be the two big issues I ran into , and they shocked me . I never saw them coming , never dreamed that I would be criticized on that . It hurt . But my husband carried the blame for it and said to tell them that he chose that and I was not to answer others for that decision . So nice to have a husband again ! Nice to have him step in and protect me ! But the night got busy . My mom would fly in an hour after I left , so I needed to update her on things with the kids . My daughter had a medical emergency that I would have normally taken her to the hospital for , but there was no time . I did know how to care for it myself , but it was one of those things I rarely did on my own kids , but that night I did . She screamed and screamed , and finally fell asleep in my arms after it was all done still sniffling . I left my mom detailed instructions on the event and where to take her for follow - up care . I also set up help for my mom - other moms who knew the schedule to help her know what had to be done . And there was all the communication with the prayer groups - letting them know where we stood . As wonderful as it was to have people praying , it took a lot of time to manage that communication . Someone suggested in future that task might be better delegated , and it is likely true , but that communication with those groups praying were also a huge encouragement to me . Close to midnight , I was startled by a loud knock on the door . I peeked out and there was a man with a stocking cap on outside my door . Very hestitantly , and only because my friend was there with me , I cracked the door open . A man stood outside . I didn 't recognize him at first , but then he introduced himself . Of course , the musician who lives across the street ! ( He had cut his hair , so he looked different ! ) . He stepped in and said he had just heard the news from his sister - in - law . He came over right away to say he was sorry , and that he was praying . He just came over to give me a hug . Such an encouragement ! I thanked him , and he left again . As the night wore on , I expected to hear any time that they were on a plane , but nothing . Worry began to grow . . . Finally , after midnight , my friend settled down to sleep , and I went up to my bed . My daughter was in my bed this time since the friend had her room . I sat watching the computer screen waiting for that note that said " in the plane " . It didn 't come . I waited - at times chatting with different friends , at times trying to sleep but sleep would not come , at times just silent . My daughter tossed and turned . She talks in her sleep , and once she rolled over crying and said , " . . . . never come out . . . . " and another time very clearly called out , " I don 't want to be abandoned ! " And I watched her and wondered about the trauma done to their little hearts . Would they be ok ? I lay down , finally at peace , to sleep . But I had not counted on a little hormone called adrenaline - something I was going to learn quite a lot about in the next few weeks ! I rested . I closed my eyes . I dozed slightly . But it would be a few weeks before I was able to sleep solidly again . Still , it was wonderful to simply be able to close my eyes , tears still trickling out , and rest . To relax some muscles , cover myself with blankets to stop the endless shivering , to rest . . . My mind never shut down to sleep , but my body did rest . I got up two hours later . My friend was there still waiting for me . Writing this , I am amazed at my friends and their commitment to me . How much they were just there for me . I would not have made it through without them . She was still there , eight hours later , sitting with me , letting me sleep . Putting her whole life on hold to just be in my house in case I needed her . She got up and made me a soup which I was able to eat . We ate together sitting in the sun pouring in the window . Totally drained , totally spent , and totally incredulous at what God had done . Then my phone rang . There were complications . Yes , we were in contact now , but the situation was not entirely settled and a risk for more problems existed . Here came an hour of conversation between five groups of people in different places with different ideas . Confusion at what people were saying reigned . Different priorities of different people came into play . It was a mess ! Hadn 't we just been here ? More tense waiting ? Tears fell again - tears of frustration , of exhaustion , of just wanting my husband ! He was so close - I could hear his voice . . . I just wanted him ! It was time to go pick up the kids . To see their smiles , to hug them , to rejoice with them . But not to tell them what they did not know - that it was not all clear yet . I decided I would not burden them with that knowledge unless something else bad happened . My husband phoned in again , and the kids got to talk to him , frantically gathered around the computer , talking all at once . It didn 't matter what was said , they got to hear his voice ! Then they were at peace . Somewhere around 4 pm , there came a changing of the guard . This friend of mine who had been there for so much went home , and another showed up . I briefed her on the situation , and she set to in the kitchen cooking with the kids and let me return to my bedroom to try to rest . There was nothing more I could do but wait at this point . I was hoping to hear some good news around midnight , so I decided to sleep if I could . Ah , this adrenaline ! It would not let me sleep . Every time my eyes closed , my dreams filled with awful scenarios , and I jerked awake again . Still , I stubbornly kept at it knowing that even the stolen minutes were so desperately needed if I was to survive the coming night . If I had been shaking before , I shook worse then . My friend and I sat smiling with tears pouring down our faces . I tried frantically to skype the other wife so she would not have to wait a millisecond more to hear the news . But mostly , I clung to the sound of my husband 's voice . He only talked to me for a minute or two and said he would phone later . They had to move from where they were . I didn 't have enough time to ask when is later or where you are going . . . and he hung up . My body felt like the air had drained out of it . I could not stop crying . Still thoroughly exhausted to the point that it was hard to get my hands to function on a keyboard , still emotionally drained , but oh , so happy ! Immediately , I dialed the other wife . To be able to tell her , " yes , they are safe ! I talked to them ! No , I did not talk to your husband , but I heard his voice - I had asked specifically if he was there , wanting to hear his voice , not content only to be told . . . I needed to hear their voices . They will come home ! " Like me , she was in shock , believing and unable to believe - needing to hear herself . I understood that , and hoped they would phone her immediately , too . We both hung up to phone our children . Then we sat , my friend and I , and cried . We cried and cried . It was hard to believe . It had been impossible , and it had just happened . She left to get me a cup of tea - more sweet , milky tea to keep me going , and I made the first of many calls . My hands shook so badly that it was hard to dial the numbers . The first was to my kids . I so wanted to run over and tell them myself . . . but . . . there were so many that needed to know , and doing that would take half an hour . So I phoned in to the school , and asked a dear friend of mine there to gather them immediately and tell them all together . The second , I had promised , was to my husband 's family . They are not believers , so it was something to be able to tell them that the impossible had happened . They could not believe it . There was no way that what had happened just did , but it had , and I got to tell them that God did it . Then began the calls - working both on the phone and on skype fielding several conversations at once . What joy , what tears of pure joy , that day ! Halfway through the calls and the celebrations , I paused for a minute , looked at my friend who had sat through the heart - crushing disappointment and the unbelievable joy with me , and laughed . I said , " God said to ask for tomorrow morning . I just assumed it was the time zone for " over there " . He meant our time zone ! It is still morning ! " After two hours of celebrating with those all over the world who heard the news , I skyped the other wife to watch for me and wake me if there is more news . My friend took the phones and headed downstairs . Once more , I curled up in bed in tears to try to sleep . Only these were happy tears . It made me doubt my ability to hear God . It ripped all my hope away . And soon , very soon , people would be calling for news . . . there was none . . . Already one couple had stopped by to give me a hug . I appreciated their visit , and then told them that I had been up all night for several nights and was giving in this morning and going to bed . They held me and prayed with me and left with their eyes full of tears , too . But there was that one person I was supposed to phone . I stopped first to send off two messages to the two main groups praying and told them not to phone me for a few hours - I was going to try to rest . Then I picked up the phone . . . did I really want to know ? What had happened that day " over there " ? What would be the news when I phoned ? Obviously not something good . . . Would it just be an eternity of " we don 't know " ? Finally , I dialed the number . It was around 10 : 30 . The man answered and immediately sounded distracted , breathless , tense . . . Every muscle in me tensed , too , wondering . . . Then he told me that he can 't talk then , but not to leave the phone - he 'd get back to me in about half an hour hopefully with some great news . . . This is when I broke the rule about no people in my bedroom . How thankful I was later that I had called for my good friend to come that morning - I needed her . I called , and she came and sat with me . We both sat there , physically shaking , shivering , staring in turns at the phone and the clock . . . . wishing we had any idea of what was going on " over there " . The longest wait of the entire time . Half an hour stretched to forty - five minutes , and we waited . . . . My tummy heaved and my teeth chattered . My friend shook , too . . . this long , and what would be the news ? I woke to the sound of the door and the kid 's voices answering it . Thankfully , they did not wake me and I recognized the quiet voice of my friend . She quickly took over getting the kids dressed and fed . The smell of frying eggs drifted up to my room . I cried and cried . . . . sobbing from the depths of my heart . . . . so disappointed . . . " Why God ? Why ? I was so sure You said to ask for this morning ! Why did You have us ask only to mock us now ? ! " When my friend came back , I asked her to stay to man the phones . I told her only three people were people to wake me up for , but for everyone else to tell them I was sleeping . I planned to sleep the day away , and transition into long term mode . . . It took longer than I thought it would to finish all these tasks assigned to me . It seemed that just as I finished one , two more would pop up . My mind was growing groggy near the end of my fourth night awake . Then I hit a brick wall - a simple call that should have worked easily ran into a woman who was insistent that she could not do what she easily could , and who spend two hours of my time blandly lecturing me on what to do " next time " so we won 't have this problem . I tried , oh , I tried to be polite . Finally , I lost it and told her , " Listen lady , at this point , I don 't KNOW if there will be a next time ! I am trying to survive THIS time , but if we make it through this time , I promise you I will listen to all your advice on how to avoid this situation , but now we are IN this situation , and I need you to stop lecturing and work with me here ! " I am sure she was simply working off a prepared script , but over the last several days , I had met many people ( including myself ! ) who were not prepared for this situation , but managed to THINK in the middle of it all ! This lady was about all I could handle . After I finished with her , I continued to work on another task . . . plodding through until around five am , I could not manage to move the mouse in any semblance of control . . . if I was driving , I would have looked intoxicated . . . . I was just reaching the end of my physical capabilities . I set the computer to the side , and lay down in tears . . . wanting to finish that task . . . knowing that everything left undone left potential for more troubles for others . . . but oh , so tired ! my heart began to beat with that familiar thudding of impending doom and tears fell , but I was simply too tired to even be able to cry . I shot off a quick e - mail to the friend who was on the scene first when I got the call and asked her to head over at 7am and take care of getting my kids ready for school . I was crashing and crashing hard . . Then came another phone call . This was the first person who I told what I think God was saying to . His response was gentle , but cautious . Warning me that this likely could take a long time , or longer , and not to get my hopes up . Telling me how to pace myself for the long term . I listened - this is a man who knows what he is talking about . Throughout the day , we continued to prepare for the long term . I organized papers , worked some things to make sure things stayed safe , and kept people updated . I am not an organized person on the best of days , so finding all the paperwork and stuff was difficult . Then I began on some important calls - this took over three hours for the first set ! Endless calls , trying carefully to balance calmness and emotion . . . endless explanations . . . business conducted about my husband in the middle of a broken heart trying to be rational and thinking . It took a lot of energy ! Thankful for the team at my house who cared for my kids and distracted them . Thankful for a friend who kept popping in with different things to drink to keep my energy up . Thankful for the prayers of many carrying me through that day . I had two more sets of calls to make . I was running out of energy , but kept slogging through . The last ones were the most difficult to make as I had to operate in a language that I did know well . . . . at least not the vocabulary that I needed for this situation . Then I sat staring at my screen . How much did I trust what I felt God was saying to me ? It seemed unbelievable . . . but would I do it ? I am not the type of person that likes to go around saying something only to be proved wrong and made to look like an idiot . And to say I thought God was telling us to ask for tomorrow ? ! Already the first person had gently cautioned me not to think like that . But I sat quietly for a few minutes . . . then I picked up the phone and made the first of many calls late that night . " I feel like God is telling me to ask for tomorrow morning . Will you commit to praying the night tonight ? " Later on , I got another confirmation from one person . He phoned to say that tomorrow morning would be key . . . . I phoned the people again , " please pray between this time and this time especially ! " As evening fell , the volunteers tucked my kids in bed , straightened the house up , and drifted off . Another couple came to sit with me a few hours in the late evening , and I shared with them what I thought God was saying . We sat and drank tea , and began to discuss the " after " . After he come home . . . . . . what do we need ? What is that going to look like ? How are we going to set up the care ? What will the kids need ? Finally , they too left , and I was alone again . Still work to do . Even with a quiet hope , I still had to take steps to prepare in case he didn 't . Still working on my assigned jobs - things I wasn 't good at on the best of days , but struggled to learn and figure out . Very thankful for a handful of people who stayed awake with me and coached me through these tasks . Up to now in this event , I had been primarily alone . There had been little to do . True , there had been times I had been busy - phone calls to make , a few computer things to do , but relatively manageable . Sunday is when it got very busy . More people arrived , and more work was needed . Thankfully , before that happened , God had a special surprise waiting for me . As I walked in the house , the phone was ringing . Remember that friend I had tried to phone earlier - the one who had walked this path ahead of me ? I couldn 't get through to her for two days , and gave up . She was phoning . She and her husband had checked their voice mail on vacation and heard my message . She phoned . What an encouragement ! A chance to ask questions . . . how do I do this ? What about this ? What about that ? How do I talk to my kids ? What do I watch out for ? How did you do it ? This woman is someone I 've known since I was a child . She has always had an air of quiet gentleness about her , and she comforted me that afternoon with that same gentle quietness . She told me that she and her husband had decided they would phone me every day that it lasted until we knew . What a relief ! Someone I could count on . Who knew what it is like to be a wife and a mother in this . I asked her some hard questions , " people are going to say . . . . they did it with you . . . how do you deal with that ? " And she answered very simply , " You just ignore them . You do what God tells you to do , and you trust that He is in control not only of what happened now , but of all that happens after this . " The day after this phone call became a blur of activity and calls - some friendly and others business , but the quiet gentleness that this woman passed on to me strengthened me . Then her husband talked to me . He had some other things to tell the kids - which when I did , got the first giggle out of them in two days . I also hung up the phone and told the kids who phoned and told them their story . Strong encouragement for us all . I sat in church that day trying to focus on the sermon , but my thoughts wandered . What was happening to my husband ? Was he ok ? I just wanted to hear something , anything at this point . . . three days with no word at all . Yesterday had come some word , some rumor about one of the men , but silence about my husband . That thought lingered in my head . . . why the silence ? I journal often , but since that phone call , I had not journaled at all . Maybe I was too afraid to actually write out my thoughts in black and white . Maybe my mind just wouldn 't focus well enough to write . Loud stillness still echoed in my mind , blocking most continued thoughts . Thoughts would rise like bubbles in a muddy pond , breaking to the surface , but the depths of the pond were still hidden from sight . What do you say right now ? My heart cries out with every breath wanting them here . And my heart also quietly rests inside me hidden in the quiet place by God 's heart . A painful stillness . A certain comfort , deep , real , in the middle of the deepest part of this pain . Then I watch my kids and the knife twists . But our commitment as a family comes back . God who gave us these children knows what He has set in front of them . He is not surprised by events nor is He incapable of nor unconcerned about caring for the children in the middle of this . He sees their hearts and cares . As we sat in our normal family place without my husband and their daddy and wondered if we will ever sit here with the six of us or if this is our new normal , my thoughts went back to the day we stood in front of our home church with a brand new baby girl in our arms and a pack of wild toddlers by our feet . Someone asked me then , " Tell me something that makes it ok for me to let you go with that brand new sweet baby and those boys I love . " I looked one of my best friends in the eyes and told her , " When God called us to do this , He knew the future already . We did not get to this stage all ready to go , to have Him look down and say to myself , " Oops ! They have kids ! How did that happen ? ! " He knew from when He knit my children together what He has called them to face in this life , and He will care for us whatever that means . " When I remembered that , I relaxed . Even with the worst " what if " facing us , God is not surprised by today nor unable to meet us through our tomorrow . I opened to my favorite Psalm that has carried me through rough place before and read . It was a psalm God spoke to me with during another difficult time in my life . He has goodness stored up - not caught by surprise and unprepared , but stored up and ready for when we need it . Psalm 31 became the psalm I read over and over during the next few days . For He has made marvelous His lovingkindness to me in a besieged city . I learned this by heart and clung to it . God has stored up goodness for this very thing , and He will make His lovingkindness marvelous to us - to us here and to them there . . . even a besieged city can not stop Him . It didn 't change what we were facing , but Sunday was when I saw God begin to step in with His comfort and care of us . When I was running out of energy , running out of ability to hang on and keep going , He wasn 't . And He kept caring for me , a careful , detailed , personal care of me right through to the end . I didn 't want to leave church that morning . I sat with others drinking more sweet , milky tea . It was really the only thing I could put down my tummy that would not cause intense pain . My church formed a team to meet the crisis . I was thankful for their care . They set up people to manage caring for my family so I did not need to do that . They asked what I needed and what I did not need . They coordinated responses between the church and the school . It felt like someone had just lifted a load off my shoulders . From this time on , my house was full of people . People who dropped everything to care for us . I had only two rules I asked them to respect . Don 't touch my answering machine - my husband 's voice in on there telling me he arrived somewhere safely , and I don 't want it erased . The second was simple . Don 't come in my room . It still smells like my husband in here , and I don 't want people in there . If I go in my room and shut the door , leave me alone - don 't even knock . I am a person who needs my time alone to deal with life . I also explained that I can 't eat under stress , but promised to drink anything people gave me . People listened to those rules well - no one came near my bedroom other than to drop off another drink except for Monday morning when I frantically called my friend to come sit with me for the longest wait in the whole time . We got to church exactly on time that Sunday . I had asked that someone save our seats since I wanted to sit where we always sit . The church is getting full , so if you don 't arrive early , you have to hunt for seats . . . I didn 't have the emotional energy to arrive early and chitchat with people . We walked in and filed into our row . Now , I have problems concentrating if I sit too far back , so I usually sit about the third row from the front . Limits how many distractions are in front of me ! But it also put us on central stage for this Sunday . I was unsure how I would do , but wanted to go on . My kids were in shock and were watching me to see how we would respond . I wanted to live out for them the truth that we can go on , and we will do that choosing to trust God . We won 't waver on that trust even when the tears fall and our eyes widen in shock at what is happening to us . But that knowledge did not make walking in to church that morning easy . It didn 't help that the topic that week was suffering . It didn 't help that each of the songs were ones I loved . . . but ones that pull emotions from me on the best of days . Singing of God 's worth , His faithfulness , and our desire to follow Him no matter what . . . It was just that this particular Sunday , our " no matter what " was looking pretty big . We stood to sing . I picked up my daughter to sit on my hip , her hands tangled around in my hair , her cheek resting today on my shoulder . My boys stood with me , one leaning against me on each side and one trying to be brave on his own . And we sang . As we sang , the tears threatened again . I stood looking over the heads of my children , their little faces white with worry and stress . I wondered that morning if this is the beginning of the rest of our lives . Would I be raising these kids alone ? Would we ever see their daddy again ? If so , how long would it be - ten years , twenty . . . or never ? I began to tremble at the thoughts . Where was their daddy this morning ? Was he alive ? What were they doing to him ? Would he survive ? The thoughts flew fast , I began to shake and want to collapse . Wanting to just sink to the ground and sob , to give up and cry . But again my eyes ran over the tops of the heads . . . I can 't break down . . . I have to be strong for them . One set of arms wrapped tightly around my neck , and three sets of eyes stared up at me . " How are we going to act , mommy ? " I was aware of the eyes . I was very aware that what I did next would set the tone for these four who watched me . So I stayed standing . My body trembled with the effort it took . I closed my eyes and sang . I didn 't dare open my eyes . If I caught one glance of sympathy right then , I knew I would lose it . But I sang . Deliberately . Not stopping when it came to difficult things to sing that morning . It took effort to chose to sing , and at times when the tears came , all I could do was whisper the lines , but I sang . We sang " Savior , He Can Move the Mountains " . I cried . . . I know He can . . . . I know that well . . . I also know that He does not always chose to . . . mercy , compassion . . please . . . We sang " Give Me One Pure and Holy Passion " . My voice could only whisper " this world is empty , pale , and poor compared to knowing You my Lord " . It is . It really is , but so different to sing that when you know how much we want to cling to this world and what it means to make that choice to follow " over there " . When you don 't know where your husband is . . . . is he even alive still ? But I stood and I sang . We gathered into a tight little bunch , and the cracking voices of my sons sang with me . Only Number Three sang confidently and cheerfully . The rest of us struggled . Tears snuck out of our closed eyes and snaked their way down our cheeks , but we stood and sang . My own private declaration to my children and to the unseen enemy who taunts that we will chose to trust - yes , even facing what we are facing , we will chose to trust God . But it was not private . We were in church , surrounded by others . Halfway through the singing , I began to hear sniffles and quiet sobs spreading out around me . The private declaration of continuing to trust being done in a public setting . Others were watching . Now , if you knew me , you 'd know that I am not all that comfortable with public displays of emotion . ( I 'm growing here , but still . . . ) Part of me just wanted to run , to go hide . . . Part of me wanted to tell everyone to quit crying ! I 'm barely hanging in here , and you are not helping ! But I didn 't really have enough energy to deal with that right then . We stood , we sang , and we cried . And around us , our church sang , sniffled , and cried alongside us . It was an awesome moment . A private choice - to trust God even facing the awful unknown - made public . And just as much as the awfulness of the moment sat in my heart , came the sense that this itself was a holy moment , a time when without planning to , we were bringing glory to God simply by choosing to praise and to continue to worship even in the face of this crisis . It was the right decision to come , even though it was hard . To share my pain , to be on display with our feelings , but then also to know that others are also crying . To collectively choose to know that God is good , yes , even if they never came back . I have always hated to be on display . But it was something special that morning , something I had not planned . I came to draw encouragement from those around us . I did . But what God called us to and how we responded that day brought others to a place where they rethought how they are living . Later a few said to us , " I never thought about what it really means to be willing to follow . I never stopped to think . Now I am . " Since that day , two young people have approached us saying they believe God is calling them into missions . But I did not know that that Sunday morning . All I knew was that my heart was breaking , and I could chose to run from God with my questions and fears or run to Him . What was that David says , " Whom have I in heaven but You ? And besides You , I desire nothing on earth . My flesh and my heart may fail , but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever . " ( Ps73 : 25 - 26 ) This is my God . The One who brings good out of the difficult . Who is there even when our hearts our broken . I think of all the things I did besides telling my children , this Sunday morning 's worship time was the hardest - choosing to trust , and choosing to praise even though I thought I would never see my husband again . Sunday morning dawned and I moved to get the kids up and ready to go . It was a relatively warm day , but three nights without sleep were taking their toll , and I was ice cold . I bundled up , methodically working through the steps to get ready to go to church . . hair , teeth , clothes , kids . . . I decided we would get a treat on the way to church rather than attempt breakfast at home . We 'd grab some freshly baked goods to eat . Ten minutes before we were to leave , I was feeling nervous . What if I could not handle all the people ? Should I leave the house and the phones ? What if he called ? What if I just started sobbing and couldn 't stop in front of all these people ? I regretted saying I would be there . Then the doorbell rang . I was still in my pjs , so wasn 't sure about opening it , but peeked out . Ahh . . a friend . I had tried to phone her several times yesterday , but there was no answer . She had been out all Friday and Saturday and had only got home late that night and had heard the news . She has four kids of her own and needed to get them ready for church , too , but she came over . She just came over to drop off some cookies and to give me a hug . I leaned against her for a few minutes resting , drawing strength to face my day . I worked that evening on some tasks that were given to me - important things in this situation . It kept me busy . A couple fed the kids dinner and played with them . Then around six , they were ready to go home . Oops - didn 't think the message of exactly what I needed had gotten through . I needed someone there every minute the kids were home and awake . I had to be free to get the phone at a moment 's notice . I called for back up . Other friends arrived to do the bedtime routine . I also talked with all the people who phoned in to express sympathy or find out how they can help . Different groups praying all over the world meant updating them , explaining the approach to this situation , and clarifying details . I worked on finding help for my kids and others on our team . I spoke to people who would be responding to the situation where I was and managing our care . Setting in place volunteers and assistance to make it through the next while . I spoke to the other wife . Often staying in contact , sharing what we knew . . . The one place I could talk about how I was feeling and what thoughts were running through my head without worrying . Some of those talks were difficult . Discussing what if only one comes home . . . it looked like that might happen . . . how are you going to feel ? Wanting to go over responses to different scenarios so we were prepared with open communication . My daughter was still crying . " Mommy , what if he never comes home ? " How do you answer that from a seven year old when it is quite likely that will be a possibility ? I can 't promise what I haven 't been guaranteed . I settled with telling her we are going to trust God and wait and see . She still clung to my neck and sobbed , so I moved her to my bed where she could cuddle Daddy 's pillow and fall asleep . Number 3 was in his bed smiling and happy to hug me . I stood there looking at him wondering what is going on in his head . . . is he really ok or just pretending ? So I asked , " hey , little guy , are you ok ? Are you worried ? " He looked up with his cheery little voice and said , " No , I 'm not worried . I know that God is taking care of Daddy , so why should I be worried about it ? Number Two was a little harder . Of all the kids , he was the one who most questioned God . Why did He allow this ? I sat with him a long time . He also asked if anyone had ever come back when things had gone wrong like they did here . I told him a story about another friend who did - the situation looked much worse , and he came home safely . I told him we will chose to trust . When I got to my oldest , I was low on energy . How do you go through this four times . . . four kids who are deeply worried ? ( Well , maybe three - one was cheerful ! ) So I got to the oldest , and he is a logical thinker , a math man . He looked up and said , " So mom , tell me the way it is . . . what is the ratio of people this happened to who came back safe ? " I smiled - got to hand it to him for looking at the percentages ! I told him the truth , and restated that we will chose to trust , but whichever way it goes , we will be ok . He nodded with tears in his eyes and asked to be left alone to think . My pastor phoned wondering about the next day . Would we come to church or did we need to be alone ? I thought about staying home . Didn 't know if I had the emotional energy to handle people . But then I thought about my kids . . . . We , I needed to be with people . We needed to go on . So we would go to church . I went over some details of what would be said and when with the pastor and then wished him good night . I went back to the phone and computer - my two constant companions . The volunteers went home , and silence settled again . I should go to bed , but I could not . I sat staring at the screen . All was quiet . Late that night , I got an e - mail from a friend asking what is going on - she had heard from somewhere something was up . Thank God for this friend . I had not talked directly to her since our firsts were still in diapers . Last year , her husband was killed in an incident on the road - sudden , tragic , senseless . She has four kids the same ages as mine . I told her , and she phoned . This was the biggest blessing of the day - someone to talk honestly to . Someone who had walked the path ahead of me and done it well . We discussed how to handle kids , and she simply listened and responded with real sympathy and love that touched me . Halfway through , I felt awful - I had never told her I was so sorry about her husband ! I said so , and she brushed me off , " Oh honey , I know you are sorry about him ! But right now you don 't need to worry about that . . . right now you need someone ! " The love and care and understanding she gave me that night was a blessing . Then she turned to laughter , and we laughed and cried about stupid things that happened in our lives . I hung up after talking to her feeling like someone had held me and reached my heart . I lay in bed that night again unable to sleep . Once I dozed for an hour or two , but most of the night , I sat watching chatter back and forth from people and simply wondering what was happening to these two men I loved way over there . Would I ever know ? The next day was the first day that wasn 't going to be a holiday . There might be a chance someone might found out something . . . . So I sat awake watching for any thing . Only silence . And then the morning sky streaked pink again - one more day not knowing where he was . This day we had to get up and go to church . Alone . The day passed quietly . Again , I was alone for most of the morning . I paced back and forth in the kitchen in tears . I tried again and again to get in touch with my friend who had done this before , but with no success . I was so very alone . I stared blankly out at snow drifting down - a few flakes lazily falling on a spring day spinning and dancing their paths to the ground . Then the time came that the kids would arrive . The boys came first with the mom who had them . My daughter came about half an hour later . So for half an hour , the boys ran around the house excited at all the fun they had , laughing and wrestling . My friend and I stood in the kitchen and watched them . So happy , so bubbly , so unaware of what was going on over there . Then my daughter came with my son 's teacher . We went into the living room , and I told them I need to tell them something . Very briefly , I explained what had happened . Our pastor walked in right as I began . The faces of my two oldest children went white . My oldest put his head down and would not look up again . He struggled for control , and my heart ached for him . The second stared with his eyes wide and unbelieving . Then he began to question why God didn 't stop this from happening . He could have , mom , you know ! The third was quiet , staring off into space . After a few minutes , he scooted over to lean against me and cry . My daughter burst into wails and threw herself in my arms sobbing . The younger two needed my arms . They both cried for a long time , but it was the older two who worried me . They sat stunned with white faces and I could not reach them . My son 's teacher moved over to put his hand on my son 's head and sit with him . We all sat and tried to answer the questions and comfort the tears , but how do you comfort in the unknown ? Fifteen minutes later , while my lap was still full of a sobbing daughter , the phone rang . There was a request of me - something I was needed to do to help someone involved in this . I didn 't want to . Not then . But , the person needing help also had children , and his children 's faces were white with streaked tears . So I picked up my sobbing daughter and plunked her down in the lap of my friend and went to the phones . For the rest of the day , I was on the phone and skype . I would get a few pauses in there where I could check on the people caring for my kids . They did well . Another couple came to cook and play with the kids . The teacher left . My friend took my second son off to get some photo - copies that I needed . Our pastor spent some time watching my oldest who had taken off to the roof to get some time alone . People were there caring for my children , and I was grateful . But my heart broke for them , and I wanted to simply sit on the floor crying with them . I struggled with finding the balance between responding to the situation as I needed to do to get help and being a mom . It was a difficult balance , one I am still not sure I did the best at . I woke when the sun streamed in the window and the realization of the day hit before my eyes were fully opened . I was in an empty bed . I didn 't know where my husband was and if I would ever see him again . Today , I had to tell my kids . . . I rolled over and sobbed . I cried loudly early that morning , my stomach heaving at the thought of facing the day to come . Comfort and peace did not come . I leaned on the counter in the bathroom staring at my face . . . trying to find out where I was in the middle of all this . Then I knew that I can 't do this . I can not give in to these mocking thoughts . I picked up my head and began to speak firmly , " You have not won ! Jesus won that victory when He died and when He was raised from the dead . It is finished . The victory is won , and you can not have it . And even if they kill him over there , you still have NOT won ! I will not be afraid , but chose to trust ! " The heaviness and mocking left , and I was left in the silent house once more . Mechanically , I began to straighten things . I updated those praying . I connected with those running the crisis . Did things I was asked . That morning , I learned to deal with false hopes . Twice news came in about where they were and that they were safe , but the news turned out to be rumor . I learned to guard my heart and stay within those who were responding to the crisis . I had confidence in these people . But the effect on my emotions of false hopes twice was devastating . I also reached out to find one friend who could help . She had been through a similar thing when her kids were my kid 's ages . But she was not answering her phone . I phoned my friends who had my kids and set up plans to bring them home and talk to them . I wanted both these friends with me then . My pastor also decided to come . We needed them - I am one mom with only two arms , and I was about to break four kid 's hearts . Late , late into the night , I fell into a restless slumber . I woke several times to check for messages , and dozed again . The food I had eaten cramped my stomach and I doubled over in pain wishing I had just never eaten . The night was long and silent . At times a person would skype with me telling me to do this or that or think about this or that . I found myself being asked questions that I had no idea what to do about . Very quickly , I learned to pass decisions on to those in authority over me and work only within what they asked me to do . A crisis demands a clear line of authority and reaction . I contacted those praying and updated them . I chatted with a friend who kept me sane that first day . But mostly , I sat watching the night go by . I thought about the next day , realizing that in the morning I would need to tell my kids . That night , I prayed for them . . . that God would give me wisdom , that they would continue to trust God and find Him good . And I prayed for our men . . . but that night not with words . . . with the silence of sitting in front of God with my eyes on Him watching . He knew my heart and I opened it in front of Him . It was a time that words could not have captured . I walked on late that afternoon to the house of the other wife - the one whose husband had seen what had happened . He was still over there , and we were concerned about his well - being . I wanted to go see her , to hug her . We visited for awhile . I helped her figure out how to get support in for her . Her children came and looked at me with tears in their eyes . I stayed for an hour , but that was all I could take . . . I needed to guard my emotions . I knew it was unlikely that I would see my husband again , but I did not need pity and fear . I needed trust and comfort . So after an hour , I left . I walked on to another friend 's house . Knowing that I struggle to eat when I am under stress , I wanted to ask my friend to feed me . But she was not home . So I walked home . I checked the mail and the messages - nothing . After another hour , I thought that I should force myself to eat to keep my strength up . I opened the cupboard to see if there was anything easy to cook . There was a can of soup , so I pulled it out , but could only stare at it blankly . Figuring out how to open it and cook it was beyond me at the time . I was still stunned and unable to manage simple tasks . Finally , I picked up the phone book of the school and began to phone those who lived close by . I got a friend who had just come in with her four kids and was eating . I asked if she would bring me some leftovers when they were done . She did - she hurried right over with food . For the first time since my friends took my children at noon , I had someone to sit with me , to absorb some of the shock with me . They day had been painfully lonely , and now there was a person here . She sat with me with tears in her eyes while I ate . We drank tea together and talked . She hugged me , cried with me , and was simply with me . It was something special . That morning , I had talked to my husband . That day , I had heard his voice . I did not want to go to sleep and wake up on another day where I had not talked to him , and that be my future . . . I sat awake crying at the thought of sleeping and facing a day when I had not talked to him . I didn 't think I could handle that . It was a gorgeous day - the type you rarely get in spring . As the afternoon wore on , I decided to get out for a walk . Nothing more would happen that day , so I headed out to walk up to a tiny hill near my house - a place I often went to cry and to talk to God . I had been out the day before on this same path with my kids , all of us laughing in the blessing of such weather , enjoying the chance to walk and listen to the birds . Today 's walk was so different . Tears threatened to spill on the long walk up the hill . I longed to throw myself down and sob , but something held me back . If I was going to cry , I wanted to throw myself down in a quiet place in front of the God who held my heart . Knowing He was not surprised by the day 's events , I knew He was prepared to hold me through the raw pain . It was ok to hurl myself into His arms with all the hurt and trust Him to carry it . I got to the top of my hill , sat on a stone there , and cried . Here is a place of quietness , and I cried until my heart was empty . Then in the silence after the tears , I talked to God . I told Him that I didn 't even know how to pray . I knew what I wanted , but did not want to demand . Willing to accept what He had ahead of me , and asking for strength to walk this path well . I prayed for these two that I love . . . the only time I had during the crisis to sit and actually spend time praying for them . I prayed that God would calm their hearts , give them clarity , peace , strength , and encouragement . That they would sleep since it was night , and that above all , they would not feel guilty or think on the mistakes , but know that God had chosen that they walk this path . He was with them . Then still , with a very quiet heart , I went back to the lessons I had learned when my daughter had died . I made choices then that enabled me to go through that time , and I looked up again at God . I took a deep breath , very aware of what this could be meaning , and told Him the same choices then . " I chose not to question Your right to make this choice and accept that You have our best in mind . I chose not to question Your love as we walk through this pain . " Not easy choices . . . but when all you have is God , throw yourself full force at Him . It was not a time for half - hearted trust , I knew that . Again the tears came , and again I sat still for some time . Then quietly , I told God , " Please just let me know what is going on . Don 't leave me not knowing for weeks and months on end , please . Just let me know if he is alive or dead . I can 't handle the not knowing for so long . " Then I got up and began the walk down the hill and through a little patch of woods . As I walked down the hill , I saw a picture in my head . It was so similar to the picture I had after my daughter died , right before I delivered her tiny body . Again I was looking at a green hill with the rising sun coming up . My husband was walking up that hill into the light , and our daughter , Lydia , came running down toward him laughing . When he caught sight of her , he ran , swooped her up in a hug and spun her around . They both were laughing , with tears running down their faces . Happy . I laughed . It was so beautiful that I smiled and kept smiling for my walk through those woods . So beautiful . So full of life . And through tears , I said to myself , " At least if they do kill him , at least one of us will finally be able to hug our baby , to be with her ! " I have longed for thirteen years to hold my daughter just once , and there was such a joy to think one of us could . So I laughed . And then I thought , " Why am I so afraid of death ? There is no such a thing as death for us . There is only life , a richer , more alive life . " From that moment on , I did not struggle with the fear of death . It still was there - fear of him being killed , of going on without him , but not the dread of death . Death is not final , life is . But as I continued to walk I wondered , " God what are You trying to tell me with this picture ? " Was it only not to be afraid of death ? Was it only to remind me of the lessons He taught me when He took my daughter or was He trying to gently tell me something ? I did not know . That question lingered throughout the long night that I was alone . But so did the joy , the comfort . . . the peace in remembering that we have life that no one can take from us . That morning went by in slow motion . I paced , phone in my hand , from the window to the clock and back again . The clocked ticked , my heart beat , and the phone was silent . An hour passed , and then another . Then one more . Silence still from the phone . I tested the phone a few times to see if it worked . It did . I phoned my husband 's cell phone wondering if he had just got distracted . It rang and went to voice mail . I didn 't dare leave a message . I dialed again , and thought better of it . . . he must not have it on him by now or he would have answered . What do I do ? Do I phone someone ? Do I panic now or wait ? Will my team leader laugh at me and tell me to relax and wait if I panic this soon ? What do I do ? Where do I start ? Another hour . The kids grew restless . Why aren 't we doing anything ? Can 't we play outside ? Won 't you take us biking ? My brain did not register all their requests . Then they asked to go to a park to bike - a place they can go alone . I gratefully gave permission and began to help them get ready . This would get them out of the house before the news came so I would have a few minutes to pull myself together before facing them . We were still in the middle of gathering all they needed and making sure they had their shoes and jackets when the phone rang . I looked at the number and saw it was from my team leader . My heart fell . He asked if I had heard from my husband . I told him what I had heard and when and asked him what he knew . He sounded grateful that I already knew there was a problem and told me the story . That one man saw what happened and when he was somewhere that he could phone from , he phoned and told what had happened . Tears began to fall , running unchecked down my face . I sounded calm and quiet as I asked for details . Both ? When ? Where is the other now ? Ok . Yes , I understand . Yes , I will be ok . Yes , I will check on the other wife . Yes , I have the number of the other wife who is not near by . No , she won 't answer that phone - try this one . Business conducted with tears falling fast . Then I stared at my phone knowing I needed to call someone . But who ? Who would understand and be able to be here ? What did I need ? Who would know how to support me and not dump more emotions on me ? What did I need to do ? How do I figure this all out ? Two of my good friends were out of town on a trip for two weeks . I wanted them . My mind drew a blank of who else to phone . So I phoned my son 's teacher , the husband of one of my friends . Knew I could count on him to help me think , to not be too emotional , to not let me panic . Talking to him , I remembered who I needed to phone . She came . A good friend . Arrived as fast as she could and wrapped her arms around me . Then I let the tears fall again . We cried . Over a cup of very sweet tea , we made plans . She would stay with me until the kids came home . Then she would take my boys to her house . I would not tell the kids right away - hoping for more news by tomorrow morning - and only tell them that they could have a sleepover . My daughter would go to her best friend 's - the daughter of my son 's teacher . These two have been best friends since the first day of kindergarten . A few more phone calls . To the wife of the man who made the call , who saw what happened . He was shaken . He needed to get home . His wife is my friend , like a sister to me . We had traveled together recently and grown closer . I phoned her , and she could not talk because the tears were falling and the fear was winning . I phoned another from our team and asked them to go be with her . Then we sat in silence drinking tea and trying not to imagine what was happening to these men over there . At least we know who has them , we said . At least the other man got back safely . At least it is us as team leaders going through this and not people under us while we sit in safety . At least . . . Yet silence sat in long stretches in - between conversation . Then the phone call from the other wife . So good to hear her voice . But what do you say ? Yet such a relief to talk to someone who is with me - to whom I do not have to explain , who does not say , " I can not imagine what you are feeling ! " . I was so glad not to be alone . Yet it was difficult . . . I love both of these men , my husband and our friend . . . and his wife . . and his family . . . We told each other , " We always knew this day could come . " Silence settled again . . . as if being silent enough might allow us to hear the slightest whisper of what was happening over there . My friend stayed that morning with me . She thought of the practical things . We straightened up the house preparing for the people that would be coming . We planned how to shield the kids . When they came home , we found our smiles and got them ready to go to her house . Trying to be cheerful . So thankful for her ability to put a smile in her voice and be a place of shelter for my kids who did not know yet . Not everyone could do that without betraying that there was a crisis . The boys left laughing at the fun they would have . My friend 's husband came for my daughter . He walked up to me and hugged me . I wasn 't sure he would . . . or what he would say . . . but I needed that hug . Then he picked up my daughter who giggled at the thought of staying with her best friend and left . Silence reigned again in the house . No one came through that whole afternoon . I sat on my kitchen counter staring out at the trees on a little hill and tears ran a steady path down my cheeks . Waiting . Watching . Would I ever know ? My phone rang early that morning before the dawn was fully awake . I had finally dozed off just as the sky was turning light grey , but I jolted awake at the sound of the phone on the pillow beside me . It was my husband . My heart leaped thinking he was safe , but then he began to talk , " I just wanted to phone you before I did this , and I will phone you as soon as I am done . " My half asleep mind puzzled that one through , while an alert part of me remembered to tell him to make sure he did phone right away , and then to add on , " hey , I love you " . Then he hung up . Then I stretched out in bed and stared out the window at the sky . And prayed . I was so glad he phoned . He had known I was worried , and now all I had to do was wait about half an hour or so , and answer the phone again . Then we would smile and go on with life . And as the minutes ticked by , my tummy tensed inside me . I watched the clock for every minute 's change . I barely breathed . Twenty minutes in , I picked up the phone and made a quick call to one of the groups I had phoned the night before . . . pray ! right now ! And hung up , not wanting to miss that phone call . I sat in bed still not daring to move , not able to wrap my head around what needed to be done . Stunned . My kids had begun to wake up and the house was full of the normal morning sounds . It was a school holiday , so there was no rush for anyone to be going anywhere . They got into fights , played games , and made themselves breakfast . I didn 't dare cry . Not then . Not yet . I had to survive . I had to think . I had to figure out how to walk out of my room and face our kids . How to make the horrible unknown something we could handle together . I sat stunned , not wanting this to be my life . Hoping the phone would just ring and a laughing voice would tell me he had just forgotten to phone - he had once . . . telling myself I would kill him if he had ! But I knew he would not forget . He knew how worried I had been . He had promised he would phone . I had made him promise in our skype chat how he would go about doing what he did - made him promise me that they would not do it together . I told him how to do it . . . . but as the phone remained silent , I worried . Something had gone wrong . If he had done what I said , I should be getting a phone call from one of those men . But my phone stayed silent . And my heart began to stand still . Tears pooled , panic threatened . . . but the sound of four voices giggling and laughing called me to get up and face the day . There was something that had gone wrong this time while he was over there . It was a little thing , that one would think to ignore , but it had gone wrong . It continued to bother me throughout the week , but just a niggling worry in the back of my head . The first inkling I had of anything really wrong was one evening when my husband was talking to me on skype . He told me his plans for that day , and I was immediately concerned . Something didn 't sound right . When I think back on it , I really wonder why I reacted that way . It is something he has done many times . I did it myself not too long ago . It was nothing horribly out of the ordinary . But somehow that little thing that went wrong earlier meant that this next action was not done the way we would normally do it . The more I listened to the plans and how things were unfolding , the more concerned I grew . I literally begged my husband for an hour not to do what he was headed to do . If skype had a transporting device , I would have been using it and standing with my hands on my hip in front of him insisting that he do not do it ! But we could only write each other . I usually do not act like this , but I was worried . I told him that I know that if he does this , things are going to go wrong . I begged him not to . He was so relaxed about it , knowing that it couldn 't be done the normal way , but was sure that nothing would happen . But because of my begging , he agreed to do a little bit of last minute changes , ( which I found out later he was unable to do ) . Still I insisted that it was not good enough . Finally , he said he would ask our friend 's advice and do what he said . I relaxed because I trusted this man and figured he would stop him . But the worry remained through the night . It was a long , lonely night . I sat for about an hour staring at my computer trying to distract myself , but was not relaxing . I am used to getting a phone call that he is going to do something and he will phone me when he returns , and am more aware to be praying during those times , but nothing like this . I sat that night with a deep sense of fear as my company . About an hour into the wait , I decided that we needed people praying . I made some calls and got groups in two of my " home " locations to pray . Then I sat some more through that very long night . My thoughts ran back and forth through many things . . . Sometimes I asked God why these two together ? . . . If there was one person I would phone in a situation like this , it would be this friend who was over there with him . . . . Sometimes I was thankful they were together . Sometimes , I simply sat with tears running down my face and asked God , " not both , please , not both " . My thoughts ran to two other wives who were caught up in this event and did not know it yet . Wondering , praying . One would not take this well . . . praying for her and for her husband . . . . I actually grew pretty insistent with God that He let this one walk away . . . . I sat through that night with fear as my company and my eyes on God . Praying little , because what is there to say just then ? But watching God , looking to Him in the silence , praying with every breath . Begging Him to keep everyone safe . It started one week like any other week when my husband headed over there . He does it so often that I am used to it , yet it is not something I am totally used to . More recently , he has been traveling with another good friend of our , and I have never been too thrilled about that either . Both together - I like them together , but I didn 't like it either . The few days before he travels , we always have this unusual routine and feelings we go through . Sort of a checklist preparing for the " what if " . This trip , we didn 't do much of that . I had just returned and was feeling sick . We had some errands to do , so we never even took the time to curl up together and spend time together . But at his first stop , we talked often by phone and skype . Talked and talked . It was really good to connect , to tease each other , and have fun . There were a few things bothering us - some conflicts between people close to us and some plans others had that worried us , so we talked . We would have talked these things over with someone else there , but that person wasn 't being normal , and it had both of our antenna up . Towards the end , we were both feeling certain that something was going to happen , but we were focusing on the wrong thing . Still we talked and talked - way more than normal for when he is gone . I was thankful for those times of talking later . I knew where my husband 's heart was and he knew mine . That really helped in the days that followed , and throughout the difficult times , I hung on to those conversations with all I had . We had discussed something that I had done recently while traveling , and I had asked my husband if a certain action I took had bothered him . It was something I might not normally do , but I did that one time . He smiled . I heard it in his writing even before he finished . He smiled and said , " Of course not ! I fully and completely trust you . " This was one gift I hung on to . I thought back to the year we struggled while we sorted out some things in our lives and when he was crashing from years of no sleep , and I smiled . Life was good . But we both sensed a cloud looming . I grew up in tornado country . It was that same feeling - the clouds are dark and heavy , and we can feel our hair standing up , but we had no idea where it would come from . I 've wanted to tell the story . I 'd like to try , but hampered by the fact that this is anonymous . I can 't tell who I am nor exactly what happened . That may be fine , though , because so far that is all I have been able to tell - what happened , what I did , what others did , what happened . Never once anything about what was going on under the surface - not about what I was thinking or feeling . I might try to do that . You 'll have to forgive me that it sounds a little confusing and leaves you wondering " What happened ? ! " It has to do that . But I might begin to talk . I am still a little stunned . That is wearing off and now I am confused . Looking around at this new normal and wondering what it will mean . I think there are changes coming up , and I have lived through too many changes to be excited at any more . I 've hid this week in working more at a job I usually only do four days a month - the routines of working with the dying . Other people needed time off , and I needed routines and needed to be focused on something besides ministry right now since that is in such a turmoil time . I don 't know why I keep hoping that one day I won 't be . I think there is something in the heart of every human being that wants one day to belong . An almost unquenchable hope . I sit here looking at those sentences and wonder how often that hope leads people into joining in with things that they so know are wrong just , just to belong once to some group . I 've been a part of this team for seven years now . For seven years , we have lived with , worked with , played with , and been a part of these people 's lives . We shared houses , shared meals , and shared work . We painted , moved , ached , and laughed together . I 've been there for every baby 's birth , every hospitalization , sickness , and celebration . We 've put our life into our team , and they have become family . When this crisis hit , no one came . I sat alone , very alone , for the first two days , and then after that my house was filled with volunteers from the church helping . But no one from our team . That hurt again to hear that . . . " you are a foreigner " . Still . Seven years later . . . . likely it will be the same twenty - five years later , or forty . Always a stranger . I am a stranger where I live . I am a stranger when I go " home " . I am stranger in my team . I am a stranger where I work . Forever a stranger . One day , I want to walk in somewhere and hear , " she 's home " . Likely it won 't be until I am home . This being a stranger is difficult . But I have learned Hebrews . And when I turn my eyes up to God with pain at again being excluded as the stranger , I hear what is written about Abraham . He lived as an alien . . . as in a foreign land . Then the verses which repeat in my head over the hurt of again being slapped in the face with the very fact of being a foreigner . " All these died in faith , without receiving the promises , but having seen them and having welcomed them from a distance , and having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth For those who say such things make it clear that they are seeking a country of their own . And indeed if they had been thinking of that country from which they went out , they would have had opportunity to return . But as it is , they desire a better country , that is , a heavenly one Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God ; for He has prepared a city for them . " Every time tears fall over being always a stranger , God quietly repeats those verses to me . He is not ashamed of me , and He has prepared a city . In that place , I will belong . In that place , I will no longer be a stranger . Neither will the very ones who call me foreigner right now . We will all belong . Comfort . But comfort which does not take away the pain . It still hurts to be excluded , to be left uncomforted in pain because " you are not like us " . Life still hurts . I still long to walk in somewhere and be at home . I still want to belong . Number three son has got a sudden curiosity about tampons . . . yes , tampons . It puzzled us at first . . but , we were walking through the store to get my daughter 's new medicine , and walked past the " supplies " aisle . My husband joked , " oh , do you need some tampons ? " ( No , a hysterectomy took care of that years ago , thank God ! ) Well , Number one and two laughed , and we kept walking . . . only to notice we were one short at the end of the aisle . Number Three was studying the tampon boxes . Then in his typically loud voice , he asked , " What are tampons ? " We declined answering and told him to catch up . He repeated the question , and people around began to smile . I told him that I wasn 't going to answer now , and he needs to catch up with us . Finally , he caught up and apparently had studied them enough to have an idea . " Mommy , are tampons something women use so they won 't have babies ? " Today , he went with me to get my shots . The doctor 's office often has good jokes posted on the wall . He was reading those , and then turned to me again with the same question . " Mommy , what are tampons ? " If only he would ask at home , and not in front of people ! ! I muttered and tried to ignore him . Then he went on , " because , mommy , one time , I read a joke here and it said that two boys went to the store and tried to buy tampons , and the clerk asked them why they were buying them and if they were for them . The boys said , " no , of course they are not for us ! they are for our little brother . Because we saw this ad that said with tampons , you can ride a bike and swim , and our little brother can 't do either yet ! " So , mommy , what are tampons ? " Number Three is his own joke posted on the wall ! The doctor 's office was full of people having snorting fits for some time . I told him that it was just an ad , and ads don 't always tell the truth , and tampons have nothing to do with knowing how to ride a bike . Then God had another tiny smile for me . My bras were wearing out . I can 't get my favorite ones here and am not scheduled to make a trip to where I can get them any time soon . And , while I love my bras , five years of the same thing has me bored . I mentioned to God while I was dressing that I might want to look for something different , but I hate bra shopping . Well , I went to work today , and stepped into the kitchen to get the snacks , and the cook looked at me , tipped her head sideways a little and asked , " What size bra do you wear ? " I was a little surprised - not your typical greeting , but ok . . . I told her . She reached over , and handed me two nice bras , with underwire which I like , and said , " I bought these , but they just didn 't fit quite right - maybe they 'll fit you . They are brand - new . " I grew up as a MK , married , and went into missions . I am daily surprised by what God has me doing . Not what I thought . Not what I trained for . Not what I planned . I have this sneaking suspicion that He wants me to trust Him , not what I can do . . . I have four kids , three boys and a girl . Once I had another girl , but her time with us was short . My kids are full of energy , full of life , and full of questions . I don 't say where we are . I don 't post photos on my blog . We are now not where we work , but we do return , and because of that , there are no photos or full names on this blog . You are welcome to get to know me anyway ! I don 't do any weaving or carving , but I love to watch both . It reminds me that God is carving His image in my life , taking away what does not need to be there , working on me . That He is weaving my life into His plans . I admire the patience and skill of such craftsmen and am thankful for my Father 's patience and skill in my life . Thankful for those who He uses to work with Him in my life . For we are His workmanship , created in Christ Jesus for good works , which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them . - Eph 2 : 0being His work , Ellie |
Emily didn 't want to be with him . That much was clear . Jeremy wasn 't at all sure after the apartment scene if she wanted to be with anyone , but it was obvious she didn 't want to be with him . How much of that was her dreams and how much of that had to do with her always looking wary of every single situation in life he wasn 't at all sure . As the plane winged its way over the fields of grain beneath him , Jeremy forced his attention to more pressing matters . He shifted in the seat , pulling his gray suit coat up from the back . He looked at his watch , sighed , and put his head back . Two hours and he would be sitting smack in the middle of the biggest meeting of his life . The junior accounts manager wasn 't at the top of his list for ultimate jobs , but it wasn 't bad either . In fact , many in his class would 've traded their grandmother to get the shot he had this afternoon . At the thought of why he even had this shot , he pulled on his jacket again . He hadn 't seen his father in nearly a year - not since just before he found out about the divorce . The thought of seeing him later today made Jeremy put his head back and close his eyes . It had been a year of pain and misery such that he never could have guessed . So much had changed , and yet so much inside him hadn 't . He still didn 't want this job , but he still didn 't know what he did want . Once again he was single , but this time he had no intention of getting back in the game . Girls were good for only one thing - breaking his heart . That much was now a given . A hard shell of determination clamped over the pain . He would get this job , and he would be out of Boston forever by June . He thought about his friends , and he wasn 't even sure he would ever make the effort to see Eric or any of the others again after he walked across that stage . They weren 't really his friends - more just people he hung out with , and wherever he went from here , they surely would get separated and lose track . That 's what happened . Even families had a tough time staying together in the future he was staring through . His thoughts drifted again to Emily as they always did . He shook his head . Somehow he had to get past how different life would have been if they could 've made it work . Somehow , but at that moment , he wasn 't sure how he would ever accomplish that , and in truth , he wasn 't sure he really wanted to let go of that dream . It was the only thing keeping him in one piece . Emily dropped her suitcase to the floor and pulled the handle up . " Yep . I 'm sure I 'll be here . Can 't stay away . " She walked to her friend . " Travel safely . I 'll be praying for you . " " Oh , her mom wanted her to go out to California to meet this new rich tycoon guy she 's dating , but Holly 's not going - I think . I don 't know . She 's been in knots for a week . Holly doesn 't want to go , her mom is insisting . It 's a huge mess . " As stupid as it sounded , Jeremy wanted to call Emily so badly it was making his head ache . Over and over again , he shoved that thought away , but it always found its way back to him . He ditched his luggage at his dad 's apartment and headed into downtown Denver . Never had he ever wanted to do anything less . The traffic , although similar to Boston , held a fear he hadn 't remembered ever feeling . It was as if the whole of Denver was intent on swallowing him whole . " It 's your imagination running away with you , Jeremy , " he told himself as he looked out the window of the cab into the gray , overhung sky . As he put his chin in his hand , all he could think was that he wished he 'd had the guts to ask her to pray for him . At least then he wouldn 't feel so impossibly alone . At the Skyway International Building , the cabbie pulled to the curb , and Jeremy got out . His gaze traveled up the story - upon - story of shiny windows . It was huge . He paid for his ride , and clutched the deep mahogany briefcase a little tighter for courage . " Oh , Holy Spirit help … " It was all he could think to say . He stepped back to survey her and pulled down on his hat as he did so . " Whew ! If I 'd have known , I would have brought Audry , and we could 've gone clubbing tonight . " However , the appraisal of his gaze said otherwise . It was far from fashion plate perfect , but she probably did look better than normal in her black lace undershirt and suede no - sleeve jacket . The black jeans and brown suede flip - flops with the silver medallion on them didn 't exactly speak of herding cattle . Emily reachored her purse with a smile . As she watched him , her brother didn 't seem at all like the lanky , awkward kid she 'd left . Every time she saw him , he looked more and more like a man . Strange how many things were so different every time she came back . " Yes , Sir , " Jeremy said . " Here 's my resume . " He handed the paper across the desk . " As you can see , I 'm well - qualified for the position . I 'm on track to graduate Cum Laude , and my involvement in the Bank of America program for aspiring bankers last summer gave me added practical working knowledge of actual procedures and protocol . " To Jeremy , that was obvious . It was because his father had envisioned nothing less for his life since the time he was twelve ; however , he could hardly use that as his reason . " Well , Sir . I have watched the employees and management of Skyway for a long time now . The company itself is solid , and the opportunities here are all - but unlimited . Plus , I have seen how well Skyway treats its employees , and that 's the kind of company I want to work for . " It was true , all except for the Skyway being that kind of company part . Long stretches of his father being gone to Hong Kong , London , Houston , Boston , and Seattle drifted just beneath his consciousness . In truth , he wanted no part of the corporate life , but he couldn 't bring himself to so much as think those thoughts much less say them . " I 'll be honest with you , Mr . Stratton , " Mr . Ingram said . " The fact that your father has such a stellar track record with the company will likely weigh heavily in your favor . I 'm quite sure we can find some place for a young man of your character and work ethic to start in our company . " He nodded . " I 'll put your qualifications through the hopper and see what position you would be most useful to us . " By the time he got back to the apartment , Jeremy felt like a dishrag . His nerves were fried , his sanity shot . He wondered what his father had planned for dinner or if he 'd even thought about it . Was he supposed to wait or just go ahead ? Would it be late , or would his father actually manage to show up before he was in bed ? There really was no way to tell . Fighting off the loneliness , he flopped onto the stately mahogany colored couch and tried to get comfortable . It wasn 't easy . He pressed the remote , and the doors of the entertainment center slid open to reveal the television . It covered half of one wall , which was bigger than two of his apartment 's walls put together . He tried to make this feel like it was supposed to - being on top , successful , having made it in the world . At ten ' til eight , the phone rang . He reached for it . By that point he would 've been thrilled to talk with a telemarketer . " Hello ? " " Hey , bud . So I 'm hearing some good things about your interview , " his father said over the phone lines . " Ingram seemed downright impressed . " " Oh , yeah . Hey , listen . I just got word we 've got a snag in Seattle . Some auditor stuff came up , and I 'm headed out . I hope you don 't mind . " " You know I wish I could , bud , but you know how these things are . But maybe who knows ? This might only take a couple days . I could be home by Tuesday , and we 'll go out and do something - just the three of us . " " Well , yeah . " His father sighed . " Just make like you 're home . Whatever you need should be in the frig . If it 's not , there 's a great little take out place on the corner . The number 's up on the side of the frig . " " Great . That 's what I like to hear . Well , listen . I 've got to get . I 've got a ton to do here before I get on that plane . " After they signed off , Jeremy reached over for the remote and hit the off button . In one plunge , all sound and light disappeared from the room . The darkness around him crawled across him as he lay down on the couch . There really was no reason to keep pretending . There wasn 't a single shred of this life that he liked . He hated it all , and he knew at that moment that he always would . " Em ! You made it back ! " Audry , in her Audry - like way , slung both arms around her friend and danced side to side . Then she stepped back and appraised her . " Wow . You look amazing . " " Yeah . Course , they 're only doing a little wedding , but a bunch of us were going to hit the dance . Janine said to bring whoever we could . The more the merrier . " Whoever we could . For some reason those words raked across Emily 's heart , drudging up hurt as they went . She put her hands in her back pockets . " I 'll have to see . " Jeremy didn 't bother to get up until almost noon . There was no reason to . He didn 't want to be living anyway - why do more of that than he had to ? At the refrigerator , he reached in and got the milk , but one whiff told him that was a bad idea . He put it back . It was weird . If he didn 't know better , he would 've thought his father didn 't even live here . That 's when a thought occurred to him . If his father didn 't live here , maybe he was already living with Amber . The thought brought bile to Jeremy 's throat . Probably his father was there . In fact , maybe Seattle had just been his excuse . That way he didn 't have to face his son . That way he didn 't have to deal with it . Ache coursed through Jeremy such that he could hardly breathe . His spirit felt like the squished bug on the bottom of someone 's shoe . He was in the way , a bother to everyone who had the great misfortune of knowing him . His gaze chanced on his cell phone lying on the counter , and a thought traced through him . But the hours and hours she had gotten him through when he was in North Carolina called to his weary spirit . It didn 't have to be a long call . Just kill a few minutes . Make sure she got to Remlin okay . They were friends after all . She had said that . They were friends . And friends called friends all the time . Right ? " Emily , it 's for you , " Derrick , Nathan 's twin , said as he tossed the phone onto her bed . She had begged off the ranch work in order to work on her paper . Once it was finished , then she would have no excuse , but for now she planned on using it as much as possible . " Thanks , " she said . It was going to be Audry . Why it was so important that Emily go to this dance was beyond her . " Hello ? " Then through the concern slid a thought , but Emily shook her head . It was crazy . What would he want to do that for ? More than that , why should she want him to ? " Yeah . " She took a breath and closed her eyes . " Hey , listen , Jeremy . Umm , this is kind of crazy and all , and I 'm sure you have tons better to do , but … Well , I was just wondering … I mean , it 's only a couple hours up here , and if you 're not doing anything tonight … " " Yeah , well . " Her shoulders hunched over her body , and she grabbed her ankles with her hand . " Some friends … " She reached up and scratched at her hairline as nerves attacked her . " Well actually , my brother and his girlfriend are going to a dance up here tonight . It 's no big deal . Just a wedding for some kids we knew back in school . " She lost steam the further into the invitation she went . " But you 'd probably think it was lame . I mean … it was just a thought . " She wasn 't even breathing anymore . Emily 's heart was beating so loudly , she barely got through the directions . However , as bad as that was , it was no comparison for the moment he hung up saying he 'd just grab some things and be there in a couple . A couple ? What had she done ? Horror slammed into her . Jeremy was coming . Here ! For added safety Jeremy bought a Colorado map on the way out of town . The little black SUV he 'd rented for the trip hummed underneath him as he fiddled with the stereo that only had a radio . Surely there was something decent to listen to . He found a song that wasn 't wholly horrible and settled for that . Why had he not thought to bring his iPod ? It was back at his dad 's in the suitcase . Oh , well . Too late now . Turning onto the Interstate , he headed due west . The pit of his stomach alternated between excitement and fear . The fact that she had even suggested this trip was more than he ever could have asked for , and yet , he wasn 't sure he could handle a whole evening with her in which he had to pretend he was cool with the whole just being friends thing . Going to a wedding with a friend of the opposite sex was a set up for an inundation of innuendos and snide remarks . He didn 't want that for her , and he wasn 't sure he would be able to handle it himself . The beauty of the mountains took over his consciousness then . The green of the coming spring danced around him in perfect relief to the azure sky . Puffy white clouds spoke of purity and peace . He didn 't remember seeing them in Denver . Maybe they were there . Maybe they weren 't . But he was glad they were here now . They settled him in a way nothing had in a very long time . His spirit began to unwind , and as it did , slowly it took in more and more of the day . He reached down and turned up the music . A breath and he smiled . It didn 't matter that she didn 't want this to be permanent . For this one moment he would forget about the future and what it would hold and what it wouldn 't . For this one moment he would just enjoy the gift that he would get to be with her . Emily raced out of the back and grabbed the last stack of her father 's Cattleman 's magazines . " Yeah . I hope you don 't mind . " She ran for the back , threw them on her father 's desk , shut the door , and raced back out . " I invited a friend of mine from school over . He 's going to be here any minute . " The racing stopped long enough for Emily to plead with her mother even as she held the dishes . " Please , Mom . Please . Don 't embarrass me . He 's just a friend , and he was sitting in his father 's apartment in Denver bored and miserable . " " Non - existent . " The word stunned her with its venom . She shook her head and put the dishes in the cabinet . " It 's a really long story , but he 's coming to go to the dance with us tonight just to have something to do . " The sound of tires crunching up the gravel driveway echoed through Emily 's heart . Her head jerked in the direction of the sound . " Oh , my gosh ! He 's here already ! Oh , no . " Her gaze dropped to her unkempt appearance . " I 'm not ready ! I look like Lurch . " The knock sounded on the front door , and Emily squealed . Her mother waved her away into her room . Emily stepped in but didn 't close the door totally . Instead , she left it open a crack so she could hear what was going on in the living room . The sound of his voice washed over her , and she squealed softly again . He was really here . Quietly she shut the door , and her gaze shot around the room . Jeremy Stratton was here ! Now what ? " Nice to meet you , " he said . He was having trouble taking it all in at once . The long covered porch , the sweeping vista of the field waving in green out front stretching to the mountains ringing it , the old ranch house , the stables just off to the left . There was so much , and it was all amazing . " Please , come on in . " The lady stepped back , and Jeremy climbed the last step and walked into the house . It was literally nothing fancy . Old beige carpet that was worn in spots , an old grayish couch with the stuffing showing in the back cushion , a painting of trees and a sunset that looked 50 years old or better - there wasn 't a single thing that looked even close to modern . " Have a seat . Would you like some tea or lemonade ? " " Ah . " The lady raised her chin in understanding . She sat down in the recliner with the scratchy looking brown covering . " You 're a business major ? " The bang of the backdoor brought Jeremy 's nerves right to the surface . Instantly the lady jumped to her feet . Jeremy too stood as the lady rushed out . There was a hushed conversation in the kitchen - something about getting rid of the salesman . Then the lady was back with a man twice as big as Jeremy and ten times dirtier than he had ever been in his life . He gulped his nerves down and extended his hand . Just before Jeremy completely lost his last nerve , he heard a door down the hallway the other direction open . In self - defense he turned toward it , hoping it wasn 't another member of her family coming to size him up . However , the second he caught sight of her gliding gracefully down the hall , all the sizing up in the world was worth it . One hand was stuck in the back pocket of her faded denim jeans . It brought her shoulder up in the customary shy way that sent his heart soaring . " Hey , you made it , " she said , and that soft , sweet voice unleashed the rest of him . He could hold the smile in no longer . He was sure the whole room could hear his heart pounding . " Hey , Em . How 're you ? " With everything in him , he wanted to reach out and take her hand , but he knew he shouldn 't . Instead he reached over and gave her a quick hug which she returned just enough . Then their arms dropped between them . " Good . You give great directions . I had no trouble at all . " He turned slightly to include her parents in the conversation . " It 's really beautiful up here . The mountains and the lake on the way up . They 're amazing . " " I 'll say . I was just thinking on the way up , I don 't remember the last time I 've seen the sky . Well , of course in the airplane on the way out , but I don 't know if that counts . " " Well , I 'd better get back out there before Curt notices I 'm gone , " Mr . Vasquez said . He held out his hand . " Nice to meet you , Jeremy . " " I can 't believe you 're here , " Emily said , and Jeremy really liked the excitement in her voice . It gave him a hope he hadn 't felt in weeks . Together they sat on the couch . It was wonderful to see her so happy and carefree . " I know , it 's lame . " She tugged on the bottom of her shirt . " But my brothers love the stuff , so we always have a little stash of it . " As crazy as it sounded , he loved how she could pull off shy , nervous , and gorgeous at the same time . " No , I 'm fine . Maybe later though . " He pulled his knee to the couch so he could turn and look at her . " So you were serious about this dance thing ? " " Yeah . It 's at nine . " She let her gaze fall to her hands . " But if you don 't want to go , I 'll understand . I mean , it 's not Fire & Ice or anything . " The afternoon and early evening flew by . They ate dinner with her family and then got ready for the dance . Jeremy disappeared into her brothers ' room , and Emily raced through her own preparations in her room . She didn 't want him to have to spend more time alone with her family than absolutely necessary . However , apparently he didn 't have make - up and mismatched shoes to deal with because by the time she got ready , he was again sitting in the living room only now Nathan had talked him into playing some X - Box game . The twins had gotten one for their combined birthday / Christmas present in December . That 's about all they did when they were at home now . " Well , ready or not , " Emily said as she stood behind Jeremy watching him work the joystick . He turned , and in one breath the game was forgotten . On the screen his ship plunged through outer space and exploded in a brilliant orb of golden light . She had opted to wear her black pants that flared a little at the bottom along with her emerald satin and black lace blouse . The dense black lace plunged from her neckline down the center of the shiny emerald material , cinching at all the right places . Even better her hair had cooperated for once in her life . She had put it up with a faux emerald and diamond clip at the top and let it trail down her shoulders on both sides . Searing heat scorched across her face , and her gaze fell to the floor . Across the room her mother walked in drying her hands with a dishcloth . One look and approval danced through her mother 's eyes . " Fried chicken ? You 'll be lucky if he doesn 't show up tonight , " Emily said with a laugh as she wrapped her arms around themselves . She 'd never felt more intimidated just standing in her parents ' living room as she did at that moment . It was as if Jeremy had lost the ability to think much less to move . He was fighting not to stare at her , yet that 's all he wanted to do . " Umm , do I need to bring my suit jacket ? " Emily nodded . Jeremy managed to get himself to take a step toward her , and the second he did , he knew this was going to be an all - out battle to keep himself from doing something stupid . She smelled like a garden of flowers . Oh , Holy Spirit , help . It was strange how easy it was to be with Jeremy when she wasn 't freaking out about him getting too close or he wasn 't trying to act like Mr . Moneybags . It was just comfortable . He didn 't take her hand , and he only glanced at her when she pointed out the turns . However , her spirit soaked in every single second with him like a thirsty sponge . When they got to the dance , the music was already playing and wedding guests dotted the parking lot of the little community hall . Weddings in Remlin weren 't the invitation only type . Mostly those with invitations went to the wedding itself , and everyone else showed up for the dance to wish the happy couple their best . It was weird by city standards , but it worked very well here . The lights over the dance floor were already off , and Emily caught sight of Janine in her long , white satin gown . The smile came unbidden . Her gaze further swept the area . " There 's Michael and Audry , " Emily said , pointing . Without really more direction than that , she started across the hall to their table . " Well , it 's about time , " Audry said standing to give Emily a hug . " I figured you bringing a friend was some elaborate excuse so you could bail . " Then her gaze traipsed behind Emily to Jeremy . " But I see you were serious . Hi . I 'm Audry . " " Jeremy Stratton . " He shook Michael 's hand solidly . Then he stepped back to her side . His gaze slid across the half a thousand guests milling about . " Big wedding . " " Yeah , they do , " Audry said , but Emily caught the fact that she wasn 't looking at the bride and groom . As Jeremy 's gaze slid through the hall , Audry caught Emily 's . " He 's cute , " she mouthed , looking as serious as Emily had ever seen her . Audry nodded in a knowing way that screeched across Emily 's heart . Subtlety had never been Audry 's strong suit . Worse , Michael looked like he could chew nails . This had been a very bad idea . She wished she hadn 't asked . But just then Jeremy turned to her , arched his arm over her chair , and smiled at her . Audry and Michael were dancing . Although she had talked to her brother and her friend , Emily had been pretty quiet the whole night . It wasn 't so much a sad quiet more a contented quiet meant to keep things nice and friendly between them . However , Jeremy finally could stand it no longer . " You want to dance ? " The surprise in her eyes knifed through him . But she didn 't say no . She didn 't say anything . Instead she simply laid her hand in his and stood . On the way to the dance floor , she tugged her blouse down , and when she turned to step into his arms , she never even looked at him . " It 's not hard , " she said , stepping back from him . " It 's just two steps forward and one back . Step . Step . Back . Step . Step . Back . " However , neither sounding nor looking at all frustrated , she smiled . " It 's okay . Try it again . " She came to him and right into his arms . " Step . Step . Back . Step . Step . Back . " He still felt like the tin man , but she was beginning to feel like smooth butter in his arms . Around them couples swirled with much more grace than they were exhibiting , but strangely he didn 't feel their stares of disapproval like he thought he would . She was right about one thing . There were as many people in jeans and dress shirts as there were in suits . Even most of the girls wore jeans . His attention slid back to the dancing , and his head bent with hers to watch their feet . Something about that made his heart swell . It was as if she was letting him into her life rather than trying to fit into his . He glanced up at her , and when she caught his gaze , he couldn 't stop the smile . " Why thank you , Ma ' am . " He missed the first step forward and nearly tripped over his own two feet . It took a minute to fall into rhythm again . " I thought us city folks were supposed to be the ones with the complicated dances . " " Uh - oh . Maybe we 'd better quit while we 're ahead . " On their third pass around the floor , he was finding smooth at least enough to stop looking at their feet . " So did you dance a lot in high school ? " " Some , " she said , but the smile on her face fell when her gaze slid past him to the door just as that song ended . Immediately she let go of him and wrapped her arms around herself to head back to their table . " Thanks . " In slight confusion , he glanced in the direction she had as he followed her off the dance floor . He could see nothing out of the ordinary for here anyway . Just a bunch of cowboys in pressed jeans and multi - colored shirts . " Joy of joys . Look who ventured out of his coffin , " Audry said with sarcasm saturating the statement . " Why can 't he do the rest of us a favor and stay in his lair ? He 's such a jerk . " " Come on , guys , " Emily said , but it was clear the words were strangling her to speak . " We came here to have a good time . " However , she didn 't look like she was taking her own advice . Jeremy 's mind fell into concentration . Whoever they were discussing was evidently not Mr . Popularity . " What 's up ? " he asked in confusion , not understanding the pallor that had fallen over the festivities . " Oh , it 's just Brock Wycliff , " Emily said . " His dad owns the ranch . " She brushed a strand of hair that had fallen from the clip . Without warning , she grabbed his hand . " Come on , let 's dance . " When she was again in his arms , Jeremy concentrated on the steps for a half time around the floor so he wouldn 't mess up and send both of them crashing to the tile covered concrete . Finally he fell into the rhythm , and his attention went to other things . " So what 's up with this Wycliff guy anyway ? " In annoyance she glanced the direction they had been looking . With a small shake of her head , she dragged her gaze back to his chest . Her face looked like she 'd eaten a rotten lemon . " He thinks he owns everything and everyone . " She spun them both as if she was the one leading . She sighed . " Well , his dad owns the ranch like I said , and Brock kind of thinks that means he can do whatever he wants . He brings friends up from Princeton , and they go hunting . " Slowly pieces of his relationship with Emily began to fall into place in Jeremy 's head , and he didn 't like the picture they were forming . The song ended , and he thanked her . As they started for their standing place , he glanced back across the floor . " So which one is he anyway ? " Emily brushed the hair away . " The guy in the yellow . The one with everyone fawning all over him . " The way she said it made Jeremy think she would prefer to throw up over pointing Brock out . Once they were back with the group , Jeremy surreptitiously let his gaze slide to the edge where the bright lights were on . It took little to see the arrogance and superiority the second he caught sight of Brock Wycliff . His blond hair was cut so short it spiked on its own . His eyes , barely slits , were filled with his understanding of his place in the world . Jeremy hated him from 30 yards away . As his gaze went back to Emily , he wondered how closely she had hated him . With that thought he seemed to really see her for the first time that night . She was trying . He 'd seen trying before - like the night of the concert and the night they had gone to the movies . Pieces of them being together slid into and over each other . The nervousness at nice restaurants stood in stark relief to the easy cheerfulness when they were just hanging out . He glanced at Emily , and then let his gaze fall . " Em was afraid I 'd atrophy in front of my dad 's big screen . " The second it was out of his mouth , he hated himself . Heat slid down his neck . How many times had he pointed out how much money he had ? How many times had she compared him to Brock and seen the parallels in perfect relief ? His gaze slid across the room , and deep understanding plowed through him . No wonder . Emily wished Brock Wycliff would drop off the planet . He had a way of messing up absolutely everything . Ever since he had shown up , being with Jeremy had gotten terribly difficult . He was quiet , and she could think of nothing to say . They were dancing again , and as stupidly naïve as it sounded , it was the only space she ever wanted to occupy again . Their feet moved together , his sliding easily next to hers . Closing her eyes , she let the gentle pressure of his hand pull her closer than he had all night . Why did this feel so impossibly perfect sometimes ? Her heart begged her to patch things up for real . Why was that so hard ? He was a nice guy . Was giving him another chance such a bad idea ? His arms felt so secure . Warm and safe . And the way he held her was like being guided by a cloud . She breathed in his aftershave , and her heart cried for her to stop being an idiot about wanting to keep her distance . Never had she wanted anything or anyone like she wanted him at that moment . Next to his side , Emily 's hand was wrapped in his . Tucked under his arm , she swayed in perfect time with him as every emotion he 'd ever felt crashed through him . She felt so right here , so perfectly in place in his arms . Jeremy let his head rest on the side of hers as his eyes fell closed . Every breath brought her deeper into his soul . Hard had never seemed so far away . As they swayed together , Jeremy could see no other option . He had used up the paltry amount of his own charms on her , and they had fallen absolutely flat . He knew she didn 't want him , and he knew she was better off without him and his arrogance - not to mention his empty future of slaving for a company he hated . But as clear as all that was , his heart just couldn 't take the possibility of her walking away again . God , listen . I know I have no right to ask this . I know she deserves better than me , but You have to know how much I need her . I know I messed up . I know I don 't deserve a second chance , but please , God , if there 's any way to get her to give me just one more chance . I promise I won 't waste this one . Please … The song ended , and in slow motion she drifted backward from him . Her eyes were soft and dreamy when she looked up at him . He smiled , but it hardly got that far . She nodded , and for the blink of a second he considered kissing her . More to it , his spirit considered kissing her because in truth his mind wasn 't really thinking all that clearly anymore . Her gaze fell , and she let her hand fall with it . Between them , her fingers wrapped through his . Disbelief crowded into his heart , and then joy burst through him . " Why do I feel like I just got set up ? " He laughed as he helped Audry with her coat . " Tell Mom we 'll be there about noon . " " I could tell you the same thing . " She arched her eyebrows at her friend and then caught Jeremy in her sights . " It was nice to meet you , Jeremy . " " Yeah . " Emily corkscrewed her face in concentration . " It 's weird . I never could 've pictured them together , but they make a good couple . " He glanced at her . Just like someone else I know . With only one arm across her middle , she let her other hand drop to his . He pulled her hand into his . How that could feel so incredible , he had no idea . He let out a long breath wanting the night to last forever . " Not like this . I mean I 've been skiing and things like that , but that doesn 't even compare . It 's just so … wow . Look at the stars . They 're incredible . " His gaze fell as remembering knifed through him . " Are you sure ? I figured you 'd never wanted to see me again after the other night . I wasn 't even sure I should call . I was afraid you 'd hang up on me . " It was honest , and it hurt more than he wanted to admit . In a breath her gaze followed his into the darkness between them . " I know . I 'm sorry about that . It was just … I don 't know . I guess I 'm not meant for big fancy parties . I know you regretted asking me . " Concern plowed over him . " I didn 't regret asking you . I just felt bad that you were having such a lousy time . " He felt her arms go across her more than he saw them , and that made him hate himself all the more . " I 'm just not good in those kinds of situations . I feel like everyone 's looking at me like , ' What 're you doing here ? Hey , who brought in the trash ? ' " This conversation was worrying him more and more the farther it went . " That 's not what I think . That 's not what Eric and Becca think either . " She shook her head . " I 'm not talking about them . I 'm talking about the others . You know . The suits . " Ache poured from her words in torrents . " I see how they look at me . " Her voice grew soft . " That 's why I keep telling myself that this thing with us will never work out because I just don 't fit into your world - no matter how hard I try . Even if I could afford to wear the stuff they wear or go the places they go , I still wouldn 't fit in . We 're just so different , and I can 't change that as much as I want to sometimes . " Fury and frustration met in him . " Why would you try to change anything about yourself ? You 're perfect just like you are . They 're the jerks . " Searing pain yanked his gaze down . He couldn 't deny it , so he didn 't try . Why did he try so hard to impress them ? It was a good question , one he had no real answer for . " You 're so different when you 're around them , " she said softly . " Like the other night . It was like you were embarrassed I was there . " " Oh , yeah ? Well , it would 've been nice to be introduced to some of them . " She shrugged . " I know they wouldn 't have cared anyway , but it still would 've been nice . " At first he started to protest , but then he reviewed the evening a bit closer , and utter disgust with himself bled into him . He pressed the heel of his thumb to his forehead . " Cripes , Em . I was a real jerk , huh ? I 'm really sorry . I didn 't mean to make you feel like that . " Jeremy could take it no longer . He spun on her . " What ? Are you kidding me ? You have more class and character than all of them put together . All they care about is cars and clothes and who they can use to get a leg up . " Suddenly his own values and behaviors were illuminated in a bright , glaring light in front of him , and he hated everything he saw . He put his head back on the headrest and cracked it back once for good measure . " Crud . I 'm just like them , huh ? " He closed his eyes , trying to shut his own life out . " Oh , man . How did I get here ? How did I become everything I always said I hated ? " The interview and his future jumped into his mind . " And it 's like this stupid train I can 't stop too . It 's like I got on board when I was little , and now there 's no ripping up my ticket and getting off . " He sighed heavily . " I interviewed for my dad 's company yesterday . " He was now talking to the night sky beyond rather than to her . It was the only way he could get the words out . " Skyway International . The big time . Man , I hate that company . " He let his gaze slide to hers , and he let a goofy smile come to his face . " It 's what 's expected . Besides , what else am I going to do ? " He dragged his gaze back outside . " Look at me . I 'm the son of a high - powered finance lawyer and a corporate accountant . Success is kind of built into the model . " " Yeah , but is that success ? Really ? " It was as if she was burning holes in him , holes that hurt to acknowledge . " Is it worth a broken family ? Never seeing your kids ? Not being there for them growing up ? " He closed his eyes against the pain slashing through him . The truth hurt more than he thought it would . " No . Not everything . " He shook his head slowly . " Just once I 'd like him to say he 's proud of me . Just once I 'd like to be first . Just once I 'd like to feel like he doesn 't think I 'm a complete disappointment . " Once the floodgates opened , closing them was impossible . " I really thought he 'd be excited about me getting this job . You know ? I really did . I thought that was going to be the thing he 'd finally stop long enough to say , ' Hey , congratulations , kid . You did good . ' I should 've known better . " Jeremy let his head fall to the side to look at her as all the pain poured out . " He 'll be in Hong Kong . He already told me that six months ago . Of course I 'm supposed to understand . Just like I understood about Mom at Christmas and my birthday and the divorce . Yeah . I understand all right . " He resumed looking out the front window . It was too hard to watch her as the words came . " I used to lay in bed at night and wonder what was so wrong with me . Why couldn 't he just come watch me play like the other kids ' dads did , you know ? Why was he gone all the time ? Even when he was home , he left before I got up , and most of the time I was in bed before he got home . " He was in all the pictures , but part of me didn 't even feel like he was real . Like my dad was Superman or something . He was out saving the world , and whatever he was doing out there was way more important than me and my stupid life . " With a snap , he clamped nonchalance over all of it . " No , it 's okay . Really . It shouldn 't even bother me anymore . " He couldn 't tell if that was a question or a statement . Slowly he nodded as knifing pain went through his chest . " Yeah , it does . " She reached across the seat to him , and her arms came around him . The gearshift presented something of a problem , but she managed to cross it so by the end of her journey she was sitting half on it and half in his lap . He grabbed onto her , the hurt from the million little gashes in his soul flowed from him like he 'd never let happen before . Everyone thought he was Superman , that nothing could touch him because he was rich and he had it made . He had scholarships and a trust fund . He had good grades and jobs lined up in front of him . But all the success he 'd managed to build felt like his kryptonite . It seared his soul , jerking every arrogant thing he 'd ever done to the surface of his memory . And there were many . Too many . They were everywhere he looked . He buried his head into the softness of her shoulder and let himself feel everything he never had . After a few moments he sucked the hurt back inside him and shook his head . " I 'm sorry . " There was a soft smile , and then as if they belonged nowhere else , her lips were on his . Their touch jolted something in Jeremy , something that said for once in his life he had let someone know the real him , and instead of running , incredibly she still cared . More than cared - she wanted to show him just how much . A moment and she pulled back . The glint in her eye teased his spirit . " Class B maybe . " But she laughed . " No . You just don 't trust yourself to be you . You 're always trying to act like you 've got it all figured out , like you have to impress everybody so they 'll like you , but that 's not the real you . The real you is a really cool guy that would be real easy for a girl to fall in love with . " " Hmm , sounds like somebody I know . " He leaned toward her but just as he got to her , she backed up right into the car horn . It blared loud enough to be heard in Denver traffic , but out here in the midst of the mountain vista , it was like a fog horn . " Holy cow ! " Emily jumped a foot , scrambling back to her seat , smoothing and fixing as she went . When she got to her seat , she stopped dead still . " Did you do that ? " " No . I think you did , " he whispered waiting for the guns to start blaring from the ranch house . He glanced over his shoulder . " You think they heard ? " Her mother smiled as she took in the two of them standing there . " Oh , no . I 've been up reading . Derrick had that baseball game out of town tonight . He 's still not home , and I haven 't heard from him . I just thought maybe someone was having trouble out there . I was just checking . " There was a pause , and although he loved how her hand stayed in his , Jeremy knew it was time to go . " Well , " he said with a decided sigh . " I guess I 'd better get back . " " You know , " her mother said , " it 's a two hour trip back to Denver , and it 's late . Why don 't you stay the night ? You can have Michael 's bed in the boys ' room . " " No . Now I insist . That drive is tricky when you know it and it 's bright daylight . I don 't want you out there all night . If you leave now , I 'll never get any sleep for all the praying I 'll have to do between you and Derrick . " Staci Stallings shares her heart for God with her novels , articles , and conversations . She loves making new friends , writing , and playing piano and guitar . View all posts by Staci Stallings → This entry was posted in A Little Piece of Heaven , Novels and tagged A Little Piece of Heaven , Christian Romance , YA . 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After eight months of searching , Ari was close to throwing in the towel on the entire endeavor of finding a place to live . She was settled in at Dale 's apartment , and the longer it took the more the quest seemed pointless . They had looked at reasonably priced homes in bad neighborhoods , and idiotically priced apartments in otherwise beautiful locations . More than once Ari 's mother had offered to help them with a down payment , but Ari hadn 't depended on that woman since she was a teenager . Even though they were on nicer terms of late she wasn 't about to start falling back on her help now . The listing they were currently inspecting was a six - hundred square foot basement apartment in Green Lake . A little out of her preferred area , a lot out of her preferred price range , and definitely Spartan . Ari walked past the double doors that led to three concrete steps that led to the backyard and peered out the window . The tall trees at the edge of the property would block the setting sun so they wouldn 't be blinded . At least that was good . The floor was bare concrete , but the landlady who let them in said it could be covered by carpeting at no extra charge . " I know it 's a little bare , but I thought that equaled freedom . We can decide the size of our own rooms . Cozy living room , spacious bedroom … nook dining room . " She gestured at different parts of the basement . There was a kitchen , with all the necessities , but everything else was all - purpose . " It all depends on where we put the partitions . If you want the sun waking you up every morning , that can be the bedroom over there . Do you really not like it ? " " It 's fine . I 'm wondering why you like it . It 's way on the outskirts , it 's expensive , it 's … " She didn 't want to say ugly . " It 's unusual . That 's all . " " You know . " She moved toward the center of the room . " Stone , partially underground , and a quick access to the woods . You could transform here and then just run out into the trees without worrying someone might see you . " Ari interrupted her with a swipe of her hand . " You , Dale . What do you like about it ? It 's a great place for a wolf to live , I guess , and the access is amazingly convenient . That 's why I would want to live here . But you ? You really want to live in a concrete hole in the ground in Green Lake ? " " It would be perfect for me , " Ari said . " Are you trying to get rid of me ? Are you rethinking the whole cohabitation thing ? Because if you are , sure , I 'll consider this place . " They went upstairs and Ari told the landlady they were passing on the apartment . Dale kept moving and got into the car , angrily waiting until Ari got in before she started the engine . They were nearly to the Ballard Bridge before Dale broke the silence . Ari said , " It was perfect for me , but not for us . The whole reason I 'm not just moving into your apartment permanently is because you wanted an ' us ' apartment . That 's what I want , too . The apartment back there , the den , that 's a wolf 's apartment . I didn 't see one thing that might have attracted you to it . That was the problem with it , Dale . It was all me . No you . " Ari looked at her . " A tiny sacrifice ? Dale , you work for me and you live with me . In the middle of the night when you should be sleeping , I 'm dragging you out of bed to drive all over Seattle just to give me a ride home . The idea of you coming home to a den just because you 're dating a canidae , on top of everything else , it just seems wrong to me . " " I do all that stuff because I love you , Ari . Well . Except the work stuff . I do that for the paycheck . " Ari chuckled , and the tension between them dissipated a fraction . " I really did like that apartment . It was cozy . It was cute . " " Right . So the answer is no . If you were still dating Natalie , that apartment wouldn 't even have been on your radar . " She reached over and rubbed Dale 's knee . " I really and truly appreciate what you were trying to do . And to be honest , all the things you do for me ? I 'm used to taking care of myself so I 'm not used to having someone take care of me . That 's probably why I 've let you do it without saying anything . But this is our home . I can 't let you sacrifice your home for me . There are plenty of places out there that will be perfect for both of us . We 'll keep looking until we 've found it . " " You worked hard to find that place . I understand . I could have been more open with my feelings instead of just refusing outright . " She moved her hand to the inside of Dale 's thigh , biting her lip as she eased her hand under the hem of Dale 's skirt . Dale shifted in her seat . Ari softened her voice . " Remember a few years back when I was in heat ? " " Yeah … " Dale sucked in a breath through her teeth . " I guess I can confess this now . I kind of went back to that memory a few times . " Ari smiled and checked to make sure Dale wasn 't veering out of her lane . She moved her hand higher and pressed two fingers against the crotch of Dale 's underwear . " Yeah ? " Dale was breathing harder now . " Yeah … now and then . It was , uh , it was hard to forget . " She swallowed and cleared her throat . She flexed her fingers around the steering wheel as Ari stroked , twisted sideways in the seat . " Sometimes when I was in the shower , o - or trying to get to sleep . I would , uh , I would picture it … " " No . Take me home . " She kissed Dale 's shoulder and pushed Dale 's panties out of the way . Dale groaned and her arms went rigid . " Careful . If you crash , it 'll be a heck of a police report . " Ari kept up her cruel torture until they pulled into the parking garage . Dale parked , shut off the car , and threw herself at Ari . They kissed as Ari freed her hand , moving it to Dale 's hip as she settled back against the seat . Dale straddled her , knees pressing tight against the seat as she pushed Ari 's shirt up and raked her fingernails over Ari 's ribs . Ari unfastened her seatbelt and twisted to look out the back window . " I know what you meant . " She kissed the corners of Ari 's mouth . " What are they gonna do , evict us ? Come on . Finish what you started , puppy . " Ari kissed her firmly and pushed Dale 's skirt out of her way . Dale lifted herself up , head bumping the roof of the car as she hunched forward over Ari 's right shoulder . She cupped Ari 's breasts through her bra , and Ari dragged two fingers over Dale 's sex before slipping her long middle finger inside . Ari nuzzled Dale 's neck and growled at the scent of her , lifting up off the seat against the heel of her hand . Dale pressed down and pinned Ari 's hand between them . " You want to do something for me for a change ? " Dale whispered against the side of Ari 's head . She pulled one hand out from under Ari 's shirt and cupped the back of her head , then leaned back so they could look into each other 's eyes . " Make me come , puppy . " Ari narrowed her eyes and smiled , thrusting her hips harder as Dale leaned back against the dashboard and closed her eyes . Ari leaned forward and kissed Dale 's breasts through her shirt , licking where she knew the nipples would be hardening under her bra , then moving up to her neck and breathing deeply again . She loved the smell of Dale in passion , and she brushed her tongue over the sweat she found in the hollow of her throat . Dale came quickly , her hand curling in Ari 's hair as the tendons in her throat stood out trying to stifle the grunt that came out anyway . She sat up and Ari kissed her , wrapping her arms around Dale 's waist as Dale settled more comfortably on her lap . When she was recovered enough to sit up , she smiled down at Ari and brushed her hair over the top of her head so that strands of it stood up like a rooster 's crown . She chuckled and looked out the windows to make sure they were still alone . When she confirmed they hadn 't been caught , she bent down and kissed Ari , capturing her bottom lip before letting it go . " You 'd better be . " She pinched Ari 's nose and lifted herself up . There was a moment of awkward twisting where Dale nearly fell while shifting back to the driver 's seat , and Ari watched as she lifted her skirt to rearrange her panties before she adjusted her hair in the rearview mirror . She checked to make sure Ari was ready and they got out of the car . Dale linked her arm with Ari 's as they walked to the elevator . " I really didn 't mind , you know , " Dale said after Ari pushed the call button . " The wolf 's den . I really wouldn 't have minded living there . " " I know . " Ari kissed Dale 's forehead . " I love you for it . But I think we can find a place that 's perfect for both of us . Somewhere we can both feel at home . " Afterward , sweaty and lying on top of the blankets , Dale brushed her lips and the tip of her nose over the downy hair of Ari 's abdomen . Her stomach rose up at the bottom which combined with the bottom of her ribs and the wings of her hips to form a valley that vanished with each intake of breath . The skin around her navel was populated by tiny white hairs which Dale teased before resting her cheek on the warm expanse . " Your hair . The wolf has hair all over her , and you just have hair on your head , and here . " She brushed her fingertips over Ari 's mound , which was still wet from their make - up sex . " But if you get a haircut , it doesn 't affect the wolf 's hair length . Your hair goes away … " " Well , my skin goes away , " Ari said . " It becomes a pelt , and the wolf 's hair comes from that . When I come back , my hair comes from my pores . " " Mm . " Dale slipped a finger between Ari 's legs . Ari sucked in a breath and subtly moved her legs apart to tacitly indicate her approval . Dale idly fingered her to a second orgasm , turning her head to feel the tremors through Ari 's stomach with her lips . " You 're amazing , puppy . " Dale sat up and put her arms around Ari , who turned to face her . They tangled their legs together and kissed . Ari pulled back and kissed Dale 's eyebrows . " You know . Get me out of your hair for a few hours . You can go for a long walk , have lunch at that diner I hate , go to the library … I don 't know . Whatever you want to do as long as it doesn 't have anything to do with the agency . " Ari smiled . " Far from it . I love that you 're willing to spend all your time with me . I love having you around all the time . But that apartment was a wake - up call . You need to take some time away . A day , an afternoon , evening . You 've let me overtake your whole life and I want to be sure it 's not an invasion . You fought in a war for me , Dale . You 've been shot at , beaten up , terrorized , all because one afternoon you saved me from a bunch of punks . You deserve a day off . " In June of 2012 , hardware store manager Scott Pollard backed his SUV into his neighbor 's Buick . The neighbor , a home - health nurse named Sarah Levi took Pollard to court , where he claimed Sarah had parked illegally on his property and therefore he wasn 't liable for the damages . The judge disagreed and ordered Pollard to pay for the cost of repairs . Unfortunately he had backed into the front of the car at such a speed the engine would have needed replacing , so Sarah Levi had to buy a new car . She also had to rent a car in order to keep her job , and the judge added that to the price Pollard had to pay . Before he could be forced to provide the settlement , Scott Pollard packed up and moved away . After several letters from Sarah 's attorney went unanswered , Sarah called Bitches Investigations to see if there were other routes she could take to get the money she was owed . Dale had done a fair amount of internet snooping and tracked Pollard down to his new address . He had moved to a condo near enough to Yesler Terrace to be cheap , but not so close he had to worry about graffiti on the side of his new building . Dale also checked his financials and saw that despite his new accommodations he had enough income to pay what he owed . Ari circled the building to make sure his car was there , parked near him . The morning was overcast with a few sprinkles now and then trying to turn into a downpour that never fully formed . She flipped up her hood just in case as she got out of the car and headed across the street . She was almost to the covered walk between condos when she saw Pollard coming out . He glanced up at her approach but then moved to one side as if to avoid her . Ari held up her hands and began walking backward in front of him . She smiled . " The issue will go away if you simply pay what you owe . " He tried to step around her again . " If you don 't pay willingly , there are certain measures that can be taken . " " It 's Willow . And no , I 'm simply telling you that there are things that can be done to get the money Miss Levi is owed . Garnishing your wages , repossessing your car , freezing your bank accounts . It 'll be a hell of a hassle for everyone involved , and Sarah Levi has already been suffering for two years . We can put an end to all of this today . " " She parked on my property ! If she had been parked legally , I never would have hit her . And now because she was trespassing , I 'm supposed to buy her a new car ? " Ari shrugged . " We 're not arguing that . The judge made his decision and , right or wrong , it 's been decided . Just pay what you owe . " Ari took out her phone . " Sorry to hear that , Mr . Pollard . " She hit send on a text message and put the phone back into her pocket . " If you could just wait here … " A tow truck came around the corner , beckoned by Ari 's text , and pulled up in front of Pollard 's car . He cursed under his breath and tried to lunge past Ari , but she slipped her arm under his and pinned it up against his back . She spun him around , his hand painfully vertical between his shoulder blades , and grabbed his other wrist so he couldn 't lash out with it . " Take it easy , bud . I gave you a chance , okay ? Just let them do their job . " " Yeah , yeah . Could 've just paid the lady what you owed her , but you had to make a big deal about it . Pack up and move just to avoid paying what you owe ? That 's low , friend . So just stand here a minute and let it play out . You 're the one who made this happen . " He struggled to get away from her , but not hard enough to actually break free . Ari glanced toward the building . No gawking faces had appeared at the windows , but she knew it was only a matter of time . " I 'm willing to let you go so it 's a little less of a spectacle to your neighbors . But you have to promise me you won 't lash out at me . " He grumbled , " Fine , " so Ari carefully released him and took a step back . The tow truck driver was hooking up Pollard 's car . " This is unbelievable . " " I don 't care . You had a chance to argue that and you lost . You could 've appealed the decision , but you decided to act like a tool instead . " She patted his arm . " On the bright side , the old adage says that a fool and his money are soon parted . You held onto your money as long as possible . So at least you aren 't a fool . " He watched as the tow truck driver lifted his hand to Ari . She waved back , and Pollard said , " So what now ? What if the car doesn 't cover the judgment ? " " Well , Miss Levi will probably pay me out of the settlement money . So sort of . But you don 't have to pay anything extra . " She held out her hand . " No hard feelings ? " Ari nodded . " Thanks , Tony . I didn 't think he would fight too much , but it 's always nice to have backup just in case . You know where to take it ? " She saluted him and stepped away from the truck so he could pull away from the curb . She walked back to her car with increasing dread . The easy part of the case was over . She 'd confronted a potentially dangerous man while his car was taken away . Now with Dale on an enforced vacation , Ari would have to brace herself to sit down and write out a case report . In all honesty , she would have rather gotten into a fistfight with Pollard . But she 'd forced Dale to stay away from the office and she was going to stick to her guns no matter how distasteful she found the idea . She just hoped she remembered where all the keys were on the keyboard . At breakfast that morning , Ari reminded Dale of her promise to stay away from work and anything canidae - related . Dale promised , held up three fingers to do her best version of a scout 's honor . Then she cupped Ari 's face , dropped her hands to her shoulders , and said , " But if you need me … if you really need me , forget about all this bullshit and just call . Okay ? " Dale had kissed the tip of Ari 's nose and set out to find something to keep her occupied for the day . She hadn 't been to the library in ages , but she also didn 't have a lot of time to just sit and read . She sort of wanted to look into an electronic reading device , but she didn 't know what stores sold them . Would a bookstore sell them , or were they rivals ? She decided to try the Elliott Bay Book Company and its comforting log - cabin feel . Even if she couldn 't take the time to appreciate books she could enjoy being in their presence . She drove to the bookstore and spent some time browsing , ending up with three books tucked in the crook of her arm before she remembered she had decided not to buy anything . The harm had already been done , so she decided to limit herself to those three books and removed herself from the temptation of wandering anymore . She went into the Elliott Bay Cafe and bought a Cuban Panini , then sat down to thumb through her new books while she ate . Ari was probably dealing with Scott Pollard that very minute . She might need backup , or … no . She 'd promised to stay away from the business and Ari . She was going to keep the promise no matter how difficult it might be . She saw that it was raining outside , so she lingered a little longer than she ordinarily would have , sipping her tea and going through her books to see which one she would read first . When there was a break in the rain she went to the cash register and headed out . She was literally halfway out the door when she noticed a room for rent sign hanging on the public notice board . She read the information and took a picture of the notice with her phone , then went out to call the renter from her car . The girl who answered sounded extraordinarily young , but she said she was available to show the apartment immediately . Dale drove to Spruce Street , noting that it was less than a mile from their current apartment , and parked on the tree - lined street . Even on sunny days the street would provide ample shade . Nearby was a park where one of Ari 's stashes was hidden near a tree . If they ended up moving to this place , they could move the stash to another location . Dale parked in front of a cute two - story house that was painted brown and green in an effort to blend into the scenery . She wouldn 't have thought green would make a good color on a house , but in this case it seemed to fit . She parked on the steep driveway as the front door opened to reveal the girl she had spoken to on the phone . She was a tall , Native American , and seemed extremely young to be renting anything to anyone . Her hair was bound in a tight ponytail that hung midway down her back , and her tank top exposed an intricate tattoo stretching from her left shoulder down to the elbow . The ink reminded her of Hannah , a British canidae whose life she had saved earlier that year , and it gave her hope for the apartment . " I 'm Neka Teller . Nice to meet you . " They shook hands and Neka gestured toward the house . " The basement entrance is on the south side of the building , right around here . " As Dale followed her across the yard , she noticed the property was fenced in on two sides . It would cut down on Ari 's freedom a little bit … it certainly wasn 't as convenient as having a whole wooded area for her to run around in . She chided herself for holding a grudge and followed Neka down a short flight of stairs to the apartment . Neka unlocked the door and ushered her inside . Neka waved her off . " I don 't care what you do in the bedroom as long as you don 't smoke after sex . That 's a strict no - no . " Dale smiled . " I 'll keep that in mind . We don 't have a lot of loud parties or listen to death metal at four in the morning . " " Cool . I 'm usually at school or working on a project so you may have the place to yourself more often than not . I do occasionally have friends over for barbeques and stuff in the backyard . That might be kind of an imposition . " The apartment was fully - furnished , gray carpet and off - white walls , and furniture that added a splash of color . The living space took up the majority of the room , and Neka stepped past her to point out the kitchen and , down a short hall that was really more of a triangular space , the bedroom . " There 's a bathroom with a shower . It 's kind of a tight fit , but if you need more room you can come up and beg to borrow the master bathroom . And if there 's something you need a full kitchen for , it 's right at the top of the stairs . I 'm very easy - going . I can be bribed with cookies and other sweet treats . " " Well , someone has to build them , right ? Anyway , when I graduate , Grandpa said that the rent will be my responsibility . Which is totally fair . I guess . But I 'm going to need someone to help out with the rent when that happens . What do you do ? " It was Neka 's turn to raise an eyebrow . " Wow . Now it 's my turn to be impressed . You guys go on stakeouts , get into a lot of gunfights ? " " Cool . " She nodded and looked around , then linked her fingers together . " Okay , uh . I know it can be tense getting a feel for a place while the owner is hovering . So I 'm going to go upstairs and let you explore a little on your own . Do you want coffee , soda , water … ? " Neka snapped her fingers . " You got it . So , yeah , go ahead and wander a bit , see how it feels to you . I 'll be back down in a few minutes . " She went to a set of steps partially hidden behind the couch , turned on the landing , and disappeared upstairs . Dale heard a door close and , now alone , let herself breathe in the space . It was small , some might say cozy . The living room and the kitchen seemed as if they had once been part of the same space , but they were separated by a small counter . Small as in " too small to sit and eat at , " but it was enough of a partition to separate the rooms . The kitchen was also uncarpeted , which was a plus . It was nice . It was very , very nice . They might be able to get a larger apartment for comparable rent , but she was tired of having a beehive of anonymous neighbors surrounding her on all sides . It would be nice to live in a neighborhood with streets and lawns . She hadn 't had that since Pennsylvania , and it made her nostalgic for home . Ari stared at the screen , refusing to be defeated , and also refused to cheer when her phone rang . She smiled when she saw who was calling and swept her thumb across the screen to answer . " I should be mad . You were supposed to be away all day long , and it 's barely the middle of the afternoon . " " I missed you too , puppy . I wouldn 't have called now except I think I have some very good news . Did you already deal with Mr . Pollard ? " Ari bit her bottom lip and leaned forward to scan the screen . Template … " Yep . It was easy once I figured out it was , ah … all I had to do was click the little … " Dale laughed . " Nice try , Ari . I 'll do it tomorrow when I come in . But like I said , I call with hopefully good news . Can you get away for twenty minutes or so ? " " That was quick . " Ari had already shut the laptop and stood up to retrieve her jacket . " Send me the address and I 'll be right there . " The weather still hadn 't decided if it wanted to rain or not , so Ari 's wipers intermittently swept across the glass as she followed the directions on her phone 's map . She spotted Dale 's car in the driveway and slipped in behind it - noting there was ample parking on both sides of the street . Dale and a pretty young woman were waiting by the side of the house and Dale waved as Ari got out of the car . As Neka led them into the backyard , Ari slipped an arm around Dale 's waist . It had only been a few hours since they had breakfast together and they had been apart for far longer periods , but it still felt good to see her again . She leaned close to whisper in Dale 's ear . Neka let them in . " Here it is . I told Dale that you can keep whatever furniture you need and I 'll take the rest . She can fill you in on all the details about using my kitchen and , oh , the washer and dryer . I forgot about that . Laundry room is upstairs , it 's totally fine for you to use it . We can work out a schedule so we 're not dumping each other 's wet laundry on the floor . If you have any questions I 'll be right upstairs . It was nice meeting you , Ariadne . " " I knew you would ask me what I liked about the place , so I 've been thinking about it . It 's the same thing that drew me to the apartment up in Green Lake , but now that I can see it furnished and complete , I figured it out . When my parents had me , they moved into a little apartment a lot like this . It was just enough for our little family . Cozy , not a lot of wasted space , everything we needed at the time . It wasn 't perfect , but it was close enough for us . When I walked in here I remembered that apartment and I remembered how … how it was home . I don 't want some random apartment with you . I want us to have a home together . " Ari smiled . " Dale , I was homeless for a while after I ran away . I slept in a shelter , and my ' home ' was a one - foot perimeter around my bed . I don 't really care where I live but I wanted to be sure the place we ended up taking was right for you . If you think this place is home … then I agree . " The deal was finalized two weeks later , and Neka offered to barbeque in honor of their moving in . She grilled up a few burgers while Ari and Dale carried boxes into the new apartment and then the three of them had dinner together on the patio above the entrance to Ari and Dale 's new apartment . It was partially a celebration of their arrival and also a way for the three of them to get to know each other . Once the burgers had been eaten and stories had been shared - Ari mentioned the Katherine Gavin case , which Neka excitedly remembered hearing about on the news - they retreated to their respective parts of the house . When they parted they agreed to watch TV , listen to music , and talk as loudly as they wanted so they could be aware of any potential noise issues early on . Ari chuckled and kissed Dale , guiding her over to the couch . They sat down and Ari put her feet up , scanning the apartment from a relaxed perspective . Their windows were all horizontal and situated near the ceiling , but they provided enough light that it didn 't feel like being in a dungeon . It actually opened up a lot of wall space , which Dale already planned to use for bookshelves . Dale put her hand on Ari 's thigh and squeezed . " I 'm thinking you made an excellent choice . This place is great , Dale . It 's exactly what we needed . " She kissed Dale 's cheek , then her lips . " Thank you . " Dale smiled and moved her hand to link their fingers . Upstairs they could hear Neka talking to someone on the phone . Her voice was faint , nothing worse than they were used to hearing in the apartment . In time Ari knew they would both tune it out . Ari smiled and kissed the top of Dale 's head . She could already imagine sneaking across the backyard in the dead of night , keeping to the shadows along the fence before heading out into the street . She would have to be careful that their neighbors didn 't call Animal Control to report wolf sightings or a loose dog , but she had gotten very crafty in her nocturnal excursions . She knew there would be hiccups from time to time but nothing she couldn 't handle . Ari smiled . " I would say that 's a good sign for the apartment . " She shifted and Dale looked up at her . " I know that I lean on you a lot . You give up a lot of your life for me , and I 'm honored by that . I 'm floored by it , honestly . And even if it makes me feel guilty how much of your life is making my life possible , I can 't even imagine my life without you in it . " Dale dragged her finger down Ari 's neck to her collar . " I plan to be in it for a good long time . You don 't force these responsibilities on me , puppy . You make me feel needed . For the first time in my life , someone really needed me . That felt great . It felt … necessary . I was in a bad place when we met . I was depressed and I felt like a failure for leaving college . You gave me purpose . I 've never resented how much you ask of me . I 'm just glad I 'm able to provide it . " Dale winked at her and scooted to the edge of the couch . " Well , I feel gross and sweaty , so I 'm going to shower and change into my PJs . You good out here ? " Dale went down the short hall into the bedroom . Ari stood up and went to one of the boxes closest to the door and opened it to see what was inside . There was a photo of her , her mother , Dale surrounded by the British pack of canidae who had helped them fight a war earlier that year . The picture had been taken by a bartender the night before the Brits headed back to their side of the pond , and at the old apartment it had stood next to the television , but she wanted to give it a more prominent placement in their new home . She looked around and finally decided the best place would be next to the stairs . She found a hammer , tapped a nail in place , and carefully placed the picture on it . She stepped back and smiled . The new place already felt like home . The shower was still running . The stall was much too cramped for two people to get into it simultaneously , but the glass front was clear enough that she could sit on the counter and watch . She smiled and hurried to the bathroom so she wouldn 't miss the show . |
With her hands still shaking , James stopped his truck . He needed to calm down and get his job done . Of course , it 's easier said than done while having two bodies on the trunk of your truck . It was one of those times that you would do anything to go back in time , but you know it 's not possible so , after a long moment of regrets , you stand up and face your problems . It took him 17 minutes to James to stand up and exit his trunk . According to every movie he had seen , everything was going well . He had a pair of gloves on , it was already dark and he had found a place in the woods where no one would ever go unless he was hiding bodies . For the moment , no one had seen anything , he had no witnesses , and he kept telling himself that it was the most important thing . If no one could prove it , it would be as if it didn 't happen . But it did , and he needed to start digging a big hole before something went wrong . He took the shovel from the trunk , trying to ignore the dead bodies on the plastic bags , and started to get his job done . It took him about 30 minutes to finish digging the grave they would share . Well , the next thing should be a lot easier , but it was the most disgusting one . He grabbed the first body and threw it inside the big hole . With the second one , anyway , he had a little problem . Doing a tough movement , the plastic bag tore apart and the body fell to the floor . James sighed and picked it up once again . Well , that one was going without any bags . He just grabbed it and dragged it inside the hole . The sigh James released that time was in relief , because he only needed to cover the hole and everything could be forgotten . Anyway , he heard a noise that made him froze for a second . He desperately look for the source of it as soon as he could move . As the sun started to set , Madeline glanced at the clock and gasped . Damn he 's probably closed by now , she thought to herself , she must have lost track of time . She grabbed her bag and headed outside , she glanced at her car but decided to walk . Her house was just outside of town , and it backed onto the local woods . If she cut through the woods , she could be to town in fifteen minutes instead of thirty . She had decided to get a tattoo , and luckily there was a great tattoo shop right in town . She had seen the artwork in the window every time she walked by , and she 'd finally gotten up the courage to get one . She had meant to go this morning but she hadn 't paid attention to the clock , so now she was kicking herself . She didn 't know what time it closed , but she was hoping she might still be able to catch him . She headed straight into the middle of the woods , and then turned left . She wandered through the trees , she was always exploring in here so she wasn 't worried about getting lost . After a few minutes , she ended up on an old overgrown path . She had discovered it one afternoon , she followed it and found that it came out exactly on main street . As far as she was aware no one else knew about it , and she kind of liked it that way . After she got about halfway , she thought she heard something . She looked through the trees and caught a glimpse of color , I guess other people do know about it . As she got closer she saw a large truck parked in a clearing , and there was some guy trying to get something out of it . She frowned and stopped for a moment , god why can 't he just take his rubbish to the tip ! ? Is he that cheap he has to dump it in the woods ! ? She couldn 't stand litterbugs so she headed towards him , intent on giving him a piece of her mind . When she was just a few feet away , she recognized the guy . That 's the guy who owns the tattoo parlor , what is it Jack ? No that 's not right , Jimmy ? She had seen him occasionally when she passed his shop , but she 'd never actually met him . She remembered seeing his signature on the artwork , so she knew it started with J . James that 's it ! She smiled for a second , he 's here how lucky is that ? She started to call out to him , but then she saw the hole . She looked at the vague shadowy shape inside the hole , is that . . . ? No it can 't be . She looked back up at him , just in time to see the second body fall to the ground . She froze and stared at the dead man , her mind was horribly blank . She never took her eyes off him , it was like she was hypnotized . When she saw James drop the body in the hole , she heard that awful thump . She knew this was really happening , he was burying actual people . She raised a hand to her mouth , and gasped before she could stop herself . Turning around to look for the source of the noise , he spotted a figure standing right there , looking at him . W - What the hell was she doing there , all alone , in the middle of the woods ? She had definitely see at least one of the corpses , it could be easily noticed on her face . That made James petrify in fear . Certainly , he did not want to go to jail or worst , be killed by that asshole followers . So , even though his body wasn 't responding normally , he forced his mind to think about something . The first thing that went through his mind was killing her . It wouldn 't be that hard , because she was completely alone and looked harmless . And , as she didn 't even have a car with her , she wouldn 't be easily located . He might just walk free from that . But . . . what the hell ? Why on earth was he thinking about killing an innocent woman just to save his ass ? He couldn 't believe he was already thinking as a criminal . Anyway , it only took him a few seconds to discard that idea ; he wasn 't adding any more corpses to the hole he dug . The next thing he considered was doing nothing . Maybe he could let her go , and leave the country before anyone find him . But with that plan , he would live the rest of his life in fear and running away . Prison and death sounded even more tempting . Finally , he decided he should find a way to prevent her from talking and not killing her . Yes , that was perfect for both of them . But . . . how ? Well , he could figure that out later . Right now , he needed to make sure she wouldn 't get away . Analyzing the situation didn 't take him much time , and luckily , she was still standing there , as terrified as he was . James closed his eyes for a second and sighed , relaxing . He forced a friendly smile from his face and raised his hands , showing her he wouldn 't do anything , showing her he was unarmed . The man took a step closer to her , keeping his expression as friendlier as he could . Maybe , if he didn 't look as a threat , she might stand there still in shock and he may grab her . The only thing he actually had on him was his murder weapon : a kitchen knife , which was on his back pocket . He could use it to threaten her and take her somewhere where he could clear his thoughts , it shouldn 't be that hard . Hoping she wouldn 't run away , he took another step . At that moment , he realized he knew her . He wasn 't sure of her name , but he knew he saw her a couple of times previously . He was completely screwed . " Hey , I 'm James , remember me ? I think you are confused of what you saw , just let me explain you . " said , as casual as he could . He didn 't care about telling her his name , because she probably already knew it by then . Madeline could do nothing , when he turned to look at her she just froze . She had never been so afraid in her life , but she felt oddly detached . It was like she was watching a movie , she felt sluggish and numb . Is this what it feels like to be in shock ? She wondered vaguely . For what seemed like an eternity they just looked at each other , she wanted to run or yell but she couldn 't . It was like she was paralyzed , and she just couldn 't seem to snap out of it . Her mind was screaming at her to get away , to run as fast as she can . It seemed unimportant though , like those thoughts belonged to someone else . She watched as he closed his eyes and sighed , what is he doing ? She saw him smile and hold up his hands , they were empty . She didn 't even notice when he stepped closer , she was to busy looking at his face . " Hey , I 'm James , remember me ? I think you are confused about what you saw , just let me explain it to you . " She felt instantly relieved , his voice was calm and friendly . Of course it 's just a mistake . Its dark and I 'm just seeing things , this can 't really be happening . He 's probably just playing a prank on someone , and those are just mannequins . Another part of her knew that was bullshit , he had murdered those men . They were real and he was dumping their bodies in the woods , in a shallow grave . This thought was to horrible for her to deal with , so she tried to convince herself that she was hallucinating . She started to say something , when she noticed his sleeve . It had a large dark smudge on it , after a moment she realized it was dried blood . Yes it is and in case you didn 't notice he 's getting closer . If you don 't get away now Maddy your blood will be on his shirt as well , and you can join those men in that grave . That snapped her out of the trance she 'd been in , when he took another step towards her she turned and tried to run . She may had been in shock , but she was still not stupid . Of course he was only acting , and she could see through that and started running . Luckily , the few steps he could take made the distance between them shorter , and she was only a few meters away from her . It shouldn 't take him long to catch her , so he started running after her right away . Anyway , she ran faster than he expected and , even if he was slowly making the distance shorter , he didn 't want to get really far . He finally caught her by getting himself in between some trees , which was a little shortcut . With the speed they were going , he could only lunge at her to stop her . With that movement , they both fell to the floor , but he managed to rotate in the air so that he would receive the impact with the floor on his back . For the second time in his life and that day , all the hours he spent working out were useful for something else than showing off . He sat up in the floor , keeping her trapped into his arms . He was probably already feeling worse for attacking like that that woman , even though he took most of the damage , than killing those two men on his apartment . And yet , he was feeling like crap for doing the latter . " Listen to me . I 'm not going to hurt you unless you don 't give me another choice , okay ? You 'll come with me but everything will be fine . We 'll find out a way so that the both of us can easily walk away from this . " told her , with a calm voice . Of course , he was just bluffing about hurting her , because he was certainly a man who would never touch a woman . But he had no other choice right then . He stayed holding her for a moment , seeing her reaction . He hoped she wouldn 't struggle much , because he certainly would hate himself if he had to threaten her with a knife . Madeline ran as fast as she could , she was having trouble seeing and didn 't want to run into a tree . She heard him chasing after her so she turned sharply , trying to throw him off her trail . She glanced behind her to see how close he was , but he wasn 't there . She turned back and suddenly he was beside her , how did he do that ! ? . She yelped as he lunged at her , she tried to avoid him but she wasn 't quick enough . He grabbed her as they fell , and twisted around so that he was holding her from behind . Even though he took the main impact from the fall , it still knocked the wind out of her . She laid still for a minute , as she tried to get her breath back . Once he sat up , she tried to free herself . Her arms were pinned at her sides , she tried to free them but she couldn 't . He was incredibly strong , and she couldn 't struggle free . " Listen to me . I 'm not going to hurt you unless you don 't give me another choice , okay ? You 'll come with me but everything will be fine . We 'll find out a way so that the both of us can easily walk away from this . " She stopped moving for a moment , yeah I 'm sure you wouldn 't . She didn 't believe that at all , but maybe if she just acted like she did he 'd let go of her . If he did that , then she had another shot at escape . She 'd head deeper in the woods and lose him , then she could double back and get into town . She tried to turn her head and look at him , " okay i won 't fight . " She tried to sound weak and trusting , " but let go of me a little . " " I can 't breathe . " # 6 " Sure , I 'm . . . I 'm sorry . " told her , applying less pressure on her , but still holding her . He wasn 't sure if she was only acting , or she was serious . Anyway , he could only hope for the second choice . He sighed and wondered what the hell was he going to do next . Luckily , she was relatively smaller than him and wouldn 't be hard to control her with his physical strength , but he couldn 't even be distracted for a second . And , what if she had some kind of weapon with her ? A pepper spray or something ? Everything was too risky and yet , he had no other choice . He slowly stood up , making her copy his movements , as he held her by one of her wrists and her waist . He wasn 't applying much pressure , but was alert enough to do it if she tried to escape . Holding a woman like that , against her will , made him thing as the biggest rubbish on earth , as if he was some kind of psycho or raper . He just hated it . " We 'll go back to the truck , ok ? Keep your other hand where I can see it , and don 't try anything silly . " said , as he took a step to start walking . They would need to coordinate in order to walk that way , so he waited for her . " Sure , I 'm . . . I 'm sorry . " Well he may be a murderer but at least he has manners , the absurdity of this thought almost made her laugh . Once he loosened his grip , her first instinctive reaction was to try and break free . She managed to resit it though , she 'd have to have perfect timing . If she tried while he was still alert , he 'd only catch her again and then she 'd never get another chance . She copied his movements and stood up with him , she was encouraged by how lightly he was holding her . However she knew he could very easily tighten his grip the moment she tried anything , and his hand was around her waist which meant she wouldn 't be able to get loose . So for now she would cooperate , but she had no intention of getting into his truck . When he took a step forward , she started to walk to avoid him bumping into her . " Keep your other hand where I can see it , and don 't try anything silly . " Even if she wanted to , she wouldn 't be able to reach into her purse without him seeing . It didn 't matter anyway since the only thing in it that remotely resembled a weapon were her keys , and unless she could somehow stab him in the eye they weren 't going to be much help . She tried to think about her escape , the best time would be when he 'd be trying to get her in the truck . If she could make him believe she was cooperating , maybe he 'd let his guard down and she could surprise him . They started walking , and he was constantly waiting for any kind of attempt to escape , but she didn 't do anything . It was a big relief for him that she wasn 't doing it any harder . Being a kidnapper wasn 't something he was excited about , and hurting her would make it much worse . They finally get to the truck , which was right next to the still opened grave and he sighed . What was he doing with her right now ? She could easily get out of the truck if she left her there , and he needed to finish his job before leaving . And , unfortunately , he didn 't have a closed trunk . Oh , well , he did have a rope somewhere in there at least . He could tie her tightly to the seat and it should be enough . When he approached to the trunk , he closed his hand a little harder around her wrist and released her waist . Maybe it was a little risky , but she didn 't look exactly as a thread . She was pretty smaller than him and seemed to be scared enough to not try anything . Extending his free arm , he looked for the rope , and didn 't take long to find it . He then turned to meet her and , after a few steps , told her to get inside the passengers seat . His hands were busy enough to even open the door . Madeline walked along with him easily , she was still waiting for the right moment . Once they arrived at the truck , she tensed a little . She turned her head , so she wouldn 't have to see the grave . She didn 't want to see those poor men again , once was enough forever . When he let go of her waist , she almost tried to run then but she didn 't . His other hand was clamped on her wrist so tightly , it felt like he was crushing her bones . She thought that just maybe she 'd be able to pull free , but she doubted that even if she did she wouldn 't be able to without a struggle . If they struggled then she wouldn 't have a head start , and without a head start there 's no way she 'd escape . When she saw him go to the trunk , she was petrified . She thought he was reaching for his murder weapon , and when he found it he was going to kill her too . She almost tried to run despite his grip , but then she saw that he was holding a rope . She breathed a small sigh of relief , she had been expecting a knife . Was he going to strangle her ? No he had stabbed or shot the men , she hadn 't gotten a close enough look to tell which . When he told her to get in the truck , she felt hope for a moment . If he was going to kill her too , wouldn 't he just do it here ? She didn 't think he would risk taking her somewhere else to do it , or at least she hoped . She hesitated a moment longer , studying his face . She decided she 'd just have to do as he said , at least for now . She didn 't think she was in any immediate danger , so she turned and open the door . She climbed in carefully , keeping her arm extended so he could keep hold of it . She turned her head to look at him , " can you please let go of my wrist now ? " He stood blocking the car door , making it impossible for her to leave from that door . Of course , she could try to jump and exit through the driver 's door , but she would take too long and Jake would simply grab her once again . With her inside , he released her . Maybe he was grabbing her wrist a little too strong . . . but he was kidnapping her , so he shouldn 't be so soft about hurting her a little , right ? Sighing in frustration , he took the knife from his back pocket and cut the rope . He left a pretty long piece and a shorter one . He put his knife back at his back pocket after it . " Your hands ? " asked her and tied them afterwards . He left them pretty loose at first , but sighed and tighten them a little more . Maybe a little too much . After making a good knot on it , he grabbed the long rope and put it around her as much times as he could . He finished his work with another knot . This time , the rope wasn 't too tighten , because as it was around her abdomen , it could actually take out her respiration . Anyway , he made sure it was a really good knot . " I 'll be right back . Don 't move . " told her , and thought it may had sound as some kind of joke . He didn 't mean to do it that way , but of course she wouldn 't move . As he closed the door , he headed towards the whole , ready to cover it . Madeline sat quietly , she had thought about trying to get out the other door . However she wouldn 't be able to get out quickly enough , so she just sat still . She had no idea what she was going to do , for the moment she 'd just have to trust that he wouldn 't hurt her . " Your hands ? " She held them together , out in front of her . When he tied them , she noticed he 'd left it a bit loose , . She hoped he wouldn 't notice , but he suddenly tied them tighter . She grimaced for a moment , it was really tight . She looked away and lifted her hands out of the way , when he started to tie the longer rope around her waist . He tied it tight enough so she couldn 't get free , but thankfully he left it loose enough so she could still breathe normally . When he told her not to move , she glared at him coldly . Ha Ha very funny you murderer , she thought to herself angrily . Once he closed the door , she tried to think of what to do . She didn 't know where he was going to take her , but she 'd have to find a way to either escape or get some help . She wondered how long it would take for someone to report her missing , it 'd probably be at least a a few days . After making sure to clean his prints from the knife , he threw it together with the bodies and covered everything . It didn 't take him longer than 15 minute , but he hoped the woman on his car wouldn 't have enough time to do anything . After making sure everything looked normal , he went back to his truck and entered through the driver 's door . Once in there , he looked at her and made sure the rope was still enough tightened . " I 'm taking you somewhere safe now , okay ? Don 't try to warn anyone about this or escape in any way , and we 'll both be just fine . Seriously , you don 't want me using something to cover your mouth because I don 't think it would be pleasant . " warned her , sounding as serious as he could so that she would listen . " Oh , and excuse me . " said before approaching to her and taking her purse from her . He looked inside , checked if there was something to worry about and took her phone out . Knowing that someone may track it down , he removed the chip from it and destroyed it with some scissors . He left the purse at his side afterwards . Looking at her under the light of the truck made him even more sure that he had seen her face . He talked to her once again , curious about that , right after turning the engine on . " Do I know you ? " Madeline waited quietly , trying to think of a way out of this . When she heard him come back to the car , she opened her eyes and watched him get in . She tried to keep her face blank , she didn 't want to piss him off . " I 'm taking you somewhere safe now , okay ? " She wondered exactly where this safe place was , and what was going to happen once they got there . " Seriously , you don 't want me using something to cover your mouth because I don 't think it would be pleasant . " She shivered a little and looked away , no she definitely didn 't want that to happen . She turned back when he spoke again , she leaned away from him as he took her purse . What 's he looking for ? If i had anything , i would have already used it . She was surprised when she saw him holding her phone , i can 't believe i forgot that was in there ! She watched as he removed her sim card and destroyed it , but she noticed that he didn 't do the same with her phone . If i can get a hold of it , i can still call the police . She saw him put it next to him , and then she looked away hoping he wouldn 't notice she 'd been staring at it . " Do i know you ? " She turned to look at him , she was surprised he remembered her face . After all she 'd only seen him a few times , and she 'd never actually spoken to him . " No but I 've walked past your store a couple of times . " She glanced out the window , " that 's where i was heading actually . " She spoke softly , her voice barely above a whisper . # 14 He was driving to his house . It wasn 't exactly a safe place , but it was the only place he could take a hostage . His basement should work fine for a short time , until he figures out what to do with her . Anyway , he started thinking what could he figure out . There was no way to ever make sure that she wouldn 't talk about what she saw , so what were his options ? Maybe , disappear ? Yeah , that could work . He could keep her until he finds a way to leave the country , and then let her go . Well , that wasn 't bad for a starting plan . When he heard her answer , he felt terrible . How could he not remember her ? Of course , he never even talked to her , but he thought about it . She had a beauty that called his attention several times , but he just couldn 't stop her in the middle of the street to talk to her or ask her out . So he didn 't and simply glanced at her through the window . And now , he was kidnapping her . That woman was on her way of getting a tattoo and , instead of being there to make it , he was killing two men and now kidnapping her . James sighed in frustration . " I know it won 't change anything , but I really wish I could make a tattoo on you instead of doing this . " answered without taking his look from the route . It didn 't take them long to arrive to his house , so he parked the truck and exited . Opening the passenger 's seat , he realized he threw his knife and wouldn 't be able to untied her . He sighed and closed the door once again , hurrying inside to get something . Luckily , it was already completely dark and he didn 't have nocturnal neighbors , so nothing should go wrong with leaving her for 2 minutes . She kept her gaze out window , she was trying to work out where they were . They hadn 't been driving long , so they couldn 't have gotten very far . Nothing looked particularly familiar though , and it was too dark for her to see much . Looking at the road , she figured they had to be on the south side of town . She hadn 't been in this part of town before , but she didn 't think it 'd be too hard to find her way back . She silently berated herself , you just had to get a tattoo didn 't you ? You couldn 't have just driven there , no you had to cut through the woods at night . She knew that this wasn 't helping her , but she couldn 't help it . She turned to look at him when he spoke , yeah i wish you were giving me a tat instead of kidnapping me as well , it 's funny how we think the same . She thought sarcastically , she was surprised at the way she was thinking . She supposed that it was helping her cope , if she wasn 't angry then she 'd be panicking . If she panicked , then she could kiss any chance of escape goodbye . When they came to a stop , she watched him get out and walk around to her side . When he opened the door , she looked at him patiently . When he closed the door again and started to walk off , she was a little confused . He must have buried the knife as well and strong as he is , i doubt he can untie these knots . She looked around quickly , she could only see three houses . The one in the middle had to be his , so the others must be his neighbors . She thought about yelling for help , but all the lights were off in both houses . They both looked completely empty , the one on the right looked really run down . If she started calling out and no one was there , all she 'd accomplish would be pissing James off . She didn 't know what to do , but as she was glancing out the window she remembered her phone . She turned to look for her purse , and was relieved to see that it was still sitting in his seat . She checked to make sure he was still inside , then she leaned over as far as she could and reached for her phone . She had to hold her breath as the rope cut into her , but she managed to grab it . With her hands tied holding it was awkward , but she could still dial it . She was about to call 911 when she heard him coming back , she quickly slipped it into her back pocket . She slowly let out her breath , and then turned to look at him calmly as he approached . He hurried to take a knife from his kitchen and went back to his truck . As he thought , she was exactly as he left her . After opening her door , James slowly approached to her , trying to let her know he wouldn 't hurt her . He cut the rope that was around her waist , but didn 't touch the one that held her hands together . " Let 's go inside without running or screaming , ok ? " said as he put his knife on his back pocket . He gently grabbed her arm to make sure he could catch her if she tried to escape , and gave her some space to stand up . " Maybe you 'll even like my home . " told her with what tried to be a warm smile . He believed that if he treated her right , she would understand he didn 't want to hurt her , and wouldn 't desperately tried to do something to escape . But , still , he was alert to every one of her moves , and to their surroundings at the same time , just in case someone appeared . He lead her to his front door . His house wasn 't a great thing , but it was nice . It only had one floor and a basement , and it only had the necessary rooms , but it was well organized and clean . Luckily , none of his neighbors decided to take a nocturnal walk when he was taking her inside . She waited anxiously as he approached the car , did he see me take my phone ? When she saw the knife , she stiffened a little . She didn 't believe that he was going to kill her at least not yet , but she still didn 't trust him . She kept her gaze on the knife as he opened the door , she pulled away from him so he could cut the rope around her waist . When she was free she breathed a sigh of relief , he kept her hands bound but she had expected that . When he told her not to run or scream , she nodded but didn 't say anything . She was silently cheering , but her expression was blank . He didn 't see me take it , now i just have to hope i get an opportunity to use it . She was worried about how much battery she had left , if she didn 't get a chance to use it soon it would go flat and be worthless to her . After he took her arm , she got out of the truck and stood in front of him . As he led her to the house , she looked around intently for any sign of movement . Come on , isn 't there anyone out here ? She sighed quietly when no one showed up , looks like I 'm not going to get out of this that easily . She glanced at him briefly , like his home ? She wondered what he was trying to do , was he really serious when he said he didn 't want to hurt her ? Or was he just trying to get her to cooperate until he could take care of her ? She didn 't know , but she allowed herself to hope it was the former . She nodded in response , then stood still while he opened the front door . She decided she 'd just have to go along with him , and pretend to trust and like him . That way she could hopefully convince him to untie her hands , if he did that she 'd have a much better chance of escape . Also it would be nice to just get them off , they were cutting into her skin a little . Once they were inside , she was surprised to find that she did like his home a little . It looked small but everything was clean , and it was well decorated . The size made it feel cozy actually , i wonder if he decorated it himself . There were a few windows , but they weren 't really an option . She turned to look at him , wondering what he planned to do with her . As soon as they went inside , he let her go and turned on the rest of the lights . At that point , letting her see his house wouldn 't do any more damage . He rubbed his neck as he heard her question . " I don 't know . . . " muttered , thinking about it . He didn 't want to keep her tied the whole time , and besides he was taking her to the basement with no windows , so maybe it wasn 't necessary . Anyway , he wondered if it would be better to act as if he knew what he was doing , but at that point it was already late . " Anyway , we are going to the basement . It isn 't exactly nice , but it 's clean at least . " said as he grabbed her arm once again and took her to the door to the basement . He turned the only lightbulb of the room on and lead her downstairs . His basement was pretty big , with a bunch of boxes piled up and some old furniture he didn 't have room for . It was also dark , because the light wasn 't enough , but as he said , it was clean , with the exception of some boxes covered in dust . He pulled a chair out in case she wanted to sit and he sat on the floor a few meters from it . There were many feelings going through his body that he couldn 't control , so he just wanted to rest for a second . He was confused , ashamed , scared , frustrated and hopeless . How would he ever get out of that mess ? She looked at him curiously , he doesn 't know ? It seemed like he didn 't have any real idea of what he was doing , that made her feel better . If he was unprepared then he 'd be easier to get away from , or at least she hoped so . His lack of a plan made her think that this was probably the first time he 'd ever done something like this , so why had he killed those two then ? She flinched a little when he suddenly moved forward to grab her arm , my nerves are shot . Basement ? Great the inspiration for millions of horror films , and the killer 's favorite place . As they headed down the stairs , she looked around nervously . Thankfully she didn 't see anything to worry about , it was cluttered and a little dusty but fairly clean . She looked at the light bulb apprehensively , it 's glow was weak and it didn 't illuminate very much . I hope it doesn 't burn out , i don 't want to be locked in here in total darkness . She watched him pull out a chair , and then sit against the wall in front of her . She relaxed once he sat down , she felt a bit better with him not so close . She sat down on the chair carefully , mindful of her phone in her back pocket . She didn 't want to accidentally push a button or something , if she did then James would hear it . She sat down and put her hands in her lap , thankfully her phone had been silent . She looked at the basement door longingly , but it was pointless . Even if she could catch him upreared , she wouldn 't make it up the stairs and outside before he caught her . She looked around for other options , until he spoke . She turned back to him , she didn 't really want to tell him though she didn 't really know why . She had to tell him something however , and there was really no point in lying . " It 's Madeline " , she said softly . She rotated her wrists a little , trying to loosen the rope . It was starting to cut in to her , and it was getting really uncomfortable . She looked at him pleadingly , " can you please untie this ? " " Or at least loosen it a little ? " She wasn 't going to try anything , she just wanted the rope off . Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . Here on Iwaku , we 're all about giving you the freedom to write anything you want while providing a safe and friendly community to do it in . Our site contains forum roleplay , chat roleplay , group roleplay , private roleplay , as well as other methods for living your stories . We are a community ran by REAL PEOPLE ! We are not a corporation or a company . Our server , domain , and software licenses are privately owned and paid for 100 % out of our own pockets . 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Once again , just to let you know what is happening with us . My mum and dad came back to France with us for a month but unfortunately my dad was really unwell , we think he may have slipped a disc so we came home early . Since then it has been rather hectic , getting dad sorted with a doctor 's appointment first which has now been done . He is seeing a consultant on Thursday where he will be assessed and see what can be done for him . His doctor was brilliant and said she didn 't want to send him to a back specialist because they would see his age of 90 and write him off . This consultant he is seeing specializes in the elderly and he tries very hard to keep his patients as fit as they are able to be which is much better . Fingers crossed now . I am so lucky to have my sister who lives close to them so she always keeps an eye on them while I 'm in France , otherwise I wouldn 't feel happy staying there for such long periods . Thanks Sis . We are now at Vicki 's spending some time with them and our beautiful grandchildren who certainly keep us on our toes . There isn 't much time to " relax " while we are here , but we love it . Relaxing time comes when we visit Clare and Kenny tomorrow , we will be staying with them for quite a while and we are close to mum and dad there as well , so we can keep an eye on things and do stuff for them . The stays with our daughters is so different , so next week will be more relaxing and catching up with personal jobs , as Clare works during the day so the time is our own . Having said that , Clare has taken a days holiday on Thursday and she is taking me to a Christmas market at Bath which I am really looking forward to . Christmas shopping to be finished off , a lovely lunch , and a special time with daughter just browsing round the stalls , especially when it gets dark and all the fairy lights are on . Tastings of mulled wine , Mmmmmm . I will blog again when I know what is happening with my dad and let you all know . I will have to try and take some photos as well to make it more interesting . Bye for now . I just thought I would let you all know what we are doing at the moment . We were supposed to have been in Morocco this week , but the day before we were due to leave , we heard that a very dear friend had died in the UK . What were we to do ? No contest really , we can go to Morocco any time , you can only say goodbye to a dear friend once . So , we are in the UK at the moment , due to travel back to France on Friday and would you believe we are taking mum and dad with us again . I hope they are going to be OK , dad is really looking forward to it and I only hope the weather won 't be too cold for them . We have had some good quality time with the family so that was an added bonus . I will be posting more when I get back home . Things have been reasonably quiet here and we have been busy working in the garden , tidying and planting onions and cabbages . We are like a couple of children as we plant them , this year being our first attempt at vegetable growing , we are so excited and can 't wait to dig them up and try them . We have no idea how long that will be , I suppose we just keep looking and guess ? ? ? I thought I would show you this photo of Smokey , he had crept up to our bedroom and climbed up onto the bed and he had somehow knocked teddy down , or did teddy just go there for a cuddle . I couldn 't resist taking the picture . Personally I think teddy just got cold and needed a warm from a friendly pussycat ! ! I have now finished sewing the bias onto my latest celtic knot block so that is another toward the quilt ! Only about 30 more to go ! ! Have I taken on too much I ask myself , probably is the answer but I do enjoy doing them and I will just have to break it up with doing other things in between . There are quite a few projects that I want to get on with , I just need to give them a bit of thought first . This is what I miss being here because I need to have a " like - minded " person to come around so we could " play " and get some ideas on the best way to do things . There is one particular thing I would like to make , and I can 't say what it is , but I 'm just not sure how to start . Oh Sharlene , I wish you lived a bit nearer : - ) The weather here has been fantastic , about 25 centigrade and the sunset the other night was beautiful . We went to Spain the other day to do a bit of shopping and when we stopped for a picnic there was this amazing grass hopper . I took the photo but he was about 3 " long and had a lovely Jiminy Cricket face . Posted by Today I had to go into my last post and read some of the lovely comments there saying how gentle my lifestyle is , and to be honest , it very often is even though we run around like headless chickens sometimes not knowing which job to do first , the thing is we can usually do the jobs in our own time which makes the differene , but . . . . . . . . . . This afternoon sees the visit of the sewing group to our house and using " The Den " for the first time and when we do this , the person who is hosting usually bakes a cake or something . Well , I made some shortbread yesterday which turned out OK , but today ! ! ! ! ! Why does it ALWAYS happen when you bake for someone else . I made flapjacks this morning ( little oaty biscuits ) and would you believe I couldn 't get the damn things out of the wretched baking tray . While I was wrestling with this , my french neighbour came in , " What are you doing ? " " What is that ? " Well the taste of the crumbs were OK and she is a very brave lady and has asked me for the recipe . I 'm sure I will have to leave the baking tray in soak for a week to get all the stuff off . I rescued enough of them for this afternoon and the birds can have the crumbs so if you see sparrows flying over not making a sound because their beaks are stuck together , you know they have come from my house ! ! Next on the agenda were cheese scones . Yes you 've guessed it ! These little blighters have come out like miniature ice hockey pucks and I have no idea what they taste like , I haven 't been brave enough yet . Perhaps if I put enough butter on them they will be OK . What I didn 't say at the beginning was , I was going to make a sponge cake and I got all the ingredients together and realised I haven 't got any eggs . Disaster ! Richard is out all day helping a friend so I have no car to go and buy some , and my friend who has chickens is too far away for me to get on my bike . All cakes need an egg , hence the flapjacks and cheese scones . BIG MISTAKE . I can do no more , it will soon be time for them to arrive . Gentle lifestyle ? ? Not today it isn 't . Hello again . Now what can I talk about today ? I will firstly show you some photos that I have taken , of various things because we have been flitting from job to job . First one is of this beautiful little lizard we found when we were digging over our little vegetable plot . I haven 't seen one like this before . The line down the centre of his back was really very red . I will also show a photo of the squashes we have , quite a few of these red ones ( kuri squash ) . Not a clue what to do with them so if anyone has cooked them before I would love to know . Also , while we were digging over the little plot , Smokey thought we hadn 't got quite enough " manure " in there so he gave us a hand , or is it a paw ? My leeks are doing really well and on Monday , at the market we bought some greens so they have gone in today . It will be interesting to see how we get on . Today saw another french lesson and my goodness this was hard . We had to make up names and pretend we were going on a flight so had to give and spell our names and flight numbers and seats . Richard and I thought we would choose our family names , so I chose my eldest daughter 's name , BIG mistake as it has 16 wretched letters in it , and Richard chose our youngest daughter 's husband 's name and we weren 't sure how to say a double " n " . We got through it and we learned a lot , but . . . . . . . . . . The weather here has been glorious , misty in the morning and a bit chilly but really warm during the day , so just perfect . Tomorrow sees Richard out helping a friend put a ceiling up in his barn so I will be doing a bit of cooking ready for the sewing group who are meeting at our house this week . I can finally show them my sewing room and if the weather is kind to us , it will be nice and warm because of the big windows . That 's it for now , talk again soon . It has been a strange week really with not a lot to talk about . Richard has been very busy trying to get rid of all the draughts in " The Den " because we tend to spend all our evenings in there and it is rather cold at times . His finger has been rather painful and yesterday we went to have the stitches out and to be honest , it looks a mess . We are taking the next 3 days off just to see if he can get it looking a bit better than it does at the moment . Of course , if Richard is taking the time off , I have to as well , so I may have some photos of my quilting to post in a couple of days . I went off to my sewing group this afternoon and did some more and my latest block is coming along very well . Here is me saying there is nothing to talk about , but some wonderful news , we had a hedgehog in the garden last night . It 's the first one I have seen in the garden since we bought the house 3 years ago , so you can imagine how excited I was . I put out some cat food and now I am going to make up a " hedgehog house " to see if I can encourage him to stay . I am calling it " he " because he was very big . You can imagine what I will be doing this evening with my torch ! ! If Jessica is reading this , Happy Birthday Jess . It is also my lovely mums birthday on Sunday and I am very sorry not to be there to share it with her , but hopefully they will be coming out to see us again , I can 't wait . It 's just a matter of finding the best way of travelling because mum doesn 't like any kind of travel , and I can 't blame her for that because I don 't either , so sea crossing is out , we think plane is out , so what about a train ? ? Well I had better stop now because I have to admit that I have just written a whole lot of twoddle , and I don 't want to bore you any more than I have to . I tried to take some photos this morning because it was stunning in the garden , the cobwebs were dripping with diamond dew drops and the mist was coming up off the field , in fact I think it was steam where the sun was really warm on the dew , but when I looked at the pictures it just Posted by How very exciting to be able to write about quilting again . It seems such a long time ago that I mentioned anything about my hobby . The last couple of nights has seen me at my sewing cupboard in " The Den " ( My daughter has named the room ) and I have finally started another block for my quilt . If you remember , I am making a celtic knot design and I thought I would rave about the gadget that I use to make the bias tape . How easy it makes it . The photos show the cut fabric being put into the gadget , then you pull it through and it folds into itself , you then iron as you pull the fabric through and you end up with a bias tape that you can make beautiful patterns with . I love doing this and find it very relaxing , though I think I won 't hold my breath waiting for the quilt to be finished ! ! Well , it 's time for the Archers so I will say night night , talk again soon . Just a short post today , but I just had to tell the world how very lucky I am to have such wonderful daughters . My eldest , Vicki , had blogged yesterday just saying due to family circumstances she couldn 't get out to keep a hair appointment which she desperately needed . One of the girls was unwell and couldn 't go to nursery and this was the only time she could get to the hairdressers . That was all , just stating a fact . This morning she got a call from her sister , my youngest Clare , at 8am to say that she was on her way and that Vicki should get ready to go to have her hair done . To anyone not familiar with the roads in the UK , this is a trip on the M25 , in rush hour when it is usually a car park , so I 'm sure Clare would have had to leave her house probably before 7am , though I don 't know that for sure . Vicki kept her appointment and Clare went straight back home to work . Sisterly love , there 's nothing like it . Just thinking about what she did brings a lump to my throat . Thank you girls for being who you are and just know that I love you both very much and I 'm very proud of you . We have had a good weekend and today started really well until lunchtime . We went to the market this morning and then a bit of shopping and back to a snack lunch and Richard was cutting the cheese and managed somehow to nearly cut off the top of his finger . After quite a while of trying to stem the red stuff we decided a trip to the doctor was needed where he had 3 stitches ! ! The doctor , who could speak a little english , said that seeing he had been such a brave little soldier , he was going to present him with a poupee ( little doll ) , our new family member for a while , which you can now see in the photo , good having a doctor with a sense of humour . Joking aside , it was very nasty and we are just hoping that he won 't lose the feeling in the top of his finger . I 've heard of different ways of getting out of the washing up , but this one takes the biscuit . Well , tomorrow sees us going for another french lesson and we have been busy doing our homework this afternoon , sitting in the sunshine which was glorious . The sunshine , not the homework ! We have been learning our verbs and it will be interesting to see if we are tested on them in the morning . Ho hum . . . . . all in a good cause . Progress on " the room " is moving along but to be honest , we sit up in it every night as it is so comfortable and there is a wonderful view of the sunset from one of the windows . We are wondering how we are going to warm it in the winter though as it is very chilly in there in the morning and late evening . We are also putting our thinking caps on as to what to call it . When people come to stay we can put a bed in there and there is an en - suite bathroom , but just for the two of us , it is just our " hanging out " room . What do you call a room like that ? I am usually doing my sewing and Richard is working on his family tree and we have a radio going with various stories being told or of course the Archers . We don 't have a television so it is just a lovely peaceful space . Today I took a photo of this cute little tree frog and I am amazed how they change Posted by Just a short post today , but I thought I would give all my family and friends at home , also anyone else reading this who can relate to my tale , a really good chuckle . I even called my mum and dad and my poor dad nearly peed his pants he was laughing so much . I told them that I have now been accepted into the village because I had just come back from a tupperware party held at the mayor 's mother 's house ! ! Tupperware is really " the thing " over here in France at the moment , and when I was living in the UK , it was " the thing " in the 80 's and I have a cupboard full and probably a couple of suitcases full as well . After running to the loo a few times in the afternoon , I finally plucked up courage and made the walk to Josette 's . I couldn 't even say the car broke down because she only lives next door ; a little walk , perhaps 100 yards , but nevertheless it seemed miles to me that afternoon . I knew there was no - one there who could speak english so I learned how to introduce myself , say I was Josette 's neighbour , pleased to meet them etc . After that I was stuck . I understood a fair bit but just couldn 't get the sentances together to have a good old gossip and it is so annoying . Roll on the next french lesson . It turned out to be a very pleasant couple of hours and they certainly had fun and laughed a lot , perhaps at me , I don 't know , but they were desperate to include me in everything . When leaving I was told there was to be another type of party next month , so we 'll see ! ! I had never heard of this one so perhaps I should just go along to check it out . Hopefully after that experience I may have earned a few brownie points just for walking into the lions den . Talk again soon everyone , the Archers has finished , everything is shut up for the night so it must be time for my book . Here I am again and I can 't believe that a week has passed since I last posted . I was telling you we were going for our first french lesson , and here we are , madly doing our homework , dreading another lesson tomorrow . Although to be fair , it was good to be finally at lessons , albeit letting us know just how little we have improved since we have been here . This was made very obvious yesterday when we were at a village lunch , at the invitation of the mayor and trying to understand just a little of what was being said around us . The day was glorious , very very hot and we were all seated ( about 120 people ) in the meadow behind the church next to the river and under the trees . Oh ! ! if only we could have joined in more of the fun and laughter that was going on , how very frustrating for us and for them when they were trying to talk to us . We will improve but my goodness it is going to take some time . Richard and I sit up in " our room " in the evenings and I usually sew or prepare my blocks for quilting and I even tried out my sewing machine last night and managed a very respectable satin stitch , and Richard reads or , at the moment , he is going through a lot of his family 's papers and documents . It 's wonderful because we even have letters written by the family and they are dated 1765 and the way of writing is just glorious and the handwriting itself beautiful , although we can 't decipher all of it . I think we may have a document or two for our son - in - law Kenny to scan and put into the family archives . We are so lucky to have him do this for us because they are then put onto discs for safe keeping and of course the rest of the family can have copies . Today I made some Pear Chutney . Very strange . . . . . . . . . . . Not sure I want to try it because it looks so odd , but I did as the recipe told me so we will see . Tomorrow I am trying Spicy Apple Chutney so perhaps that will look a bit better . The trouble is you have to keep it for a while before you can try it , to let the flavours come out ( so it says ) . Oh yes , my leeks ! ! ! they are all Posted by We have had a few really hectic days preparing , staining and waxing floors in the room , and finally picking up my sewing cupboard . It was like a jigsaw puzzle for Richard to put together , there is rather a lot of it , but we managed it in the end . Then was the problem of finding all the boxes that have been in store of all my craft " stuff " . I call it " stuff " because I had forgotten just how much I had got . Where on earth was I going to put it all . . . . . . . . still , first things first , to make a start . The pictures below are 1 ) of the cupboard closed with bookcases exposed . 2 ) doors open to reveal lots of drawers etc . but with the table still packed in and 3 ) with the table down ready to go . There are still a few more bits and pieces to it , another little table behind me , for ironing etc , and where the sewing machine is , there is a light box that fits into the hole there so it is flat with the table top . The very sad thing is , I have forgotten how to use my sewing machine . I bought it just after I had left work , ready for my retirement and it has a few bells and whistles , but , not a clue what to do with it . I think it is going to take rather a lot of time to get used to it again . Richard and I are going for our first official french lesson in the morning and we are rather anxious about it . We have got to do something , because although we muddle through , I would love to be able to " chat " with our neighbours . Wish us luck . Gosh , can you believe I 'm here again . Weeks of not posting and now I seem to have verbal diarrhoea . Still a woman has to do what a woman has to do . I 'm very excited because we have got a coat of stain on the floor in " the room " and Richard has cut most of the skirting boards so a little further forward . Today has seen me planting the leeks that we bought from the market yesterday . So far I have planted 70 , I chose the ones that looked the healthiest and thickest and I must still have about 30 left . The question is , do I plant them or not ? 70 leeks . . . . . . . . Hmmmmmm . I hope I have put them far enough apart , 6 - 8 " and I did as they said , popped them in the hole and just watered , that 's why they look all floppy . Well , I THINK that 's why they look all floppy ! ! The significance of the old football is the fact that this is the bed where we buried our lovely border collie Dizzy and I swear her spirit comes out at night sometimes because we find the ball all over the place : - ) I had a word with her and she is going to look after the leeks for us , so fingers crossed . Another of life 's challenges which we will overcome I 'm sure . Anyone for leek and potato soup in a few month 's time ? ? ? ? While I was out there Smokey came along to keep an eye on me but I think he got rather bored . He just follows us everywhere and even while Richard was staining the floor he was in there with him . Because I have posted a few times in the last week there isn 't an awful lot more for me to chat about so I had better go and catch up with everyone elses news . See you soon . Hello to all my family who are reading this . Miss you guys and love you lots . Jess , Smokey says hello . We have just had Richard 's 2 sisters here for lunch and the eldest of them lives in London and has only had a short stay over here , so it was really good to be able to show her what we have been doing to the house . We told them we had a surprise for them and they just didn 't know what to expect . Well . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . to say they were pleased was an understatement . While we were back in the UK last time , we were going through some boxes that we still have in store at Clare and Kenny 's house up in their attic . There are things like old family photographs etc . but there was also a very old tin which had an old cine tape in it . We brought it downstairs and Kenny and Richard looked at it but we couldn 't tell what it was , so thought nothing more about it . When Richard was at my dad 's birthday party ( you know the one I couldn 't go to ! ! ) Richard was asked to go into another room as Kenny had something to show him . Would you believe that he had sent off this film , only about 40 seconds of it , and it was the marriage of Richard 's parents ! ! I 'm not sure you can imagine the reaction of Richard 's sisters when they saw this , but Kenny , if you are reading this , they have looked at it over a dozen times so far and Sue recognized more people than we did . We can 't thank you enough for doing this for us , especially as we had no idea it was being done . How lucky are we to have such a thoughtful son - in - law . I know it is his business , but to see what he can do with old photos , negatives and slides is just amazing . Let 's face it , my sister and I wouldn 't have had such a lovely gift to give to my dad if it hadn 't been for his expertise . We also showed Sue and Judy a lot of old photographs which Kenny had put on a disc for us , so now Sue has taken her discs back to London with some wonderful memories of her parents . It is very hot today and Richard is sanding the floor in " the room " reading for staining and polishing , then it is moving my sewing cupboard in there ! ! I will take some photos when it 's in situ . I can 't wait because now there aPosted by At last we are catching up after being away . This week has found us doing various things in the garden , tying up tomatoes , chasing squash around the lawn where they have crawled like triffids ! ! ! What is it with those things ? ? We have never grown them before and it is amazing just how big they grow . They get everywhere . We will certainly know for another time . We also didn 't know what type they were and they turn out to be kuri squashes , I , of course , thought they were " curry " squashes ! ! I need to look up now what to do with them ; they are the most wonderful deep orange / almost red colour so we assume they are ready . Has anyone grown these particular ones , if so , what do I do with them ? We also had to tackle the mar ( pond ) which is so overgrown with bullrushes again , even though our friends had taken a lot out before we went back to the UK . Richard put on his waders again and we had a good clear out of weed and rushes . Our neighbours had put 2 goldfish in there quite a while back and so far we have only seen one . Yes I know it could be a different one each time , but I 'm sure we only have one now . We 'll see . We now have the task of cutting up the weed and rushes and getting it ready to go onto the garden and compost , as it 's been on the side of the pond long enough for all the little creatures to crawl out . It 's hilarious watching Smokey while we are working because every time a frog jumps out , there he goes and if he catches it , they obviously taste foul and you should see his face . Bless him , he is an absolute joy . You will see from the photo that the pond is rather deep but luckily the water has dropped a lot and it slopes away . Richard is going to the deep end there . It starts ankle deep and then it goes up to the top of his legs and he is 6 ' 4 " . Today we had a few things going on in the village , a vide grenier for one . Sorry if I have spelt this wrong ) . This is like a large car boot sale and the atmosphere was fantastic , there is music playing everywhere , and there was lunch being cooked which was € 7 for 3 courPosted by I thought I had better post something but to be honest it is very difficult because Smokey just wants to be cuddled . so this is going to be short and sweet . Firstly he isn 't micro - chipped so we can call him ours . He is about 1 year old so just a little baby which we had guessed at anyway . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ooops , he is trying to get on my lap again and doing a bit of typing at the same time . He was still very wobbly when we brought him home and we can 't feed him till tomorrow . To be honest , I 'm not used to little boys and he looks a bit of a mess in his back end , but I 'm sure that 's what it is supposed to be like ? Don 't want to get too personal but I thought his bits would have gone ? Does that take a few days ? All he wants is cuddles so guess who didn 't cook the dinner ? ? I will write more later and perhaps have a photo or two . He seems OK though . Bless them , they soon become your family don 't they ? ? I will keep you posted . Night night one and all , just going to cuddle my cat again . Here we are back in France and although very sad to leave family and friends behind , it is good to be back home where we have our own space and we 're not living out of a suitcase . Having said that , our girls always give us drawer space but you know what I mean . It was lovely staying with Vicki , Bill and the children and we spent more time with them this time , then we went to stay with Clare for the last few days . Brilliant . The really good news is Smokey is still here and he looks very well and has grown quite a lot . As you can see he is back to feeling at home . I whispered to him tonight that he is booked in to have his " little operation " on Tuesday as we didn 't manage to get it done before we went away . I don 't know what this does to a cat , apart from the obvious of course , because he couldn 't be more loving . Perhaps it will stop him roaming very far ? ? Perhaps to the garden for a pee and then back to the rocking chair ? ? The visit to the UK didn 't go quite as well as it should have done because , if you remember , the main reason we took my mum and dad back when we did was because of my dad 's 90th birthday . We got back and my sister and I did various planning and printing of photographs , finding a book to put them in , buying cards , food etc and all the usual planning for a birthday party . That was the first week , all was well . Well . . . . . . . . . . . . the day dawned and I was ill ! ! I had a sore throat the previous day but thought , OK , it will be fine I just won 't go too near my parents , but on the Saturday morning , I had ulcers all over the back of my throat , I couldn 't speak at all and my legs wouldn 't work , so after all that , I missed the whole thing . Everyone else went and my dad thoroughly enjoyed his day and would you believe it , it was the ONLY DRY DAY , the whole three weeks we were back there ? ? August in the UK has been the wettest on record and still more to come ! ! You can imagine how we felt just now as we were sitting outside having our dinner at 7pm and it is still 85f . Also while I was there I had been called Posted by Well here we are back in the UK ( the very wet UK ) for a while and already my mum and dad are wondering whether or not to put their suitcases back up in their loft or keep them out " just in case we need them again " . It took a little while for them and us to recover from the journey which wasn 't particularly pleasant , with lots of thunder , lightening and rain and we travelled through the night , thinking it wouldn 't be so hot , but never again . We are now looking forward to the celebrations for dad 's 90th birthday on the 16th of this month and as you can imagine , there is lots of " whispering " and sneaking peaks of different things and photographs , ready for the surprises . Hopefully I will get some good photographs and will be able to post them for you to see . At the moment we are staying with my youngest daughter and her husband and on Tuesday we will be going to our eldest daughter 's house where we can get our fill of our beautiful grandchildren . I can 't wait , I have missed them so much . It has only been 6 weeks since I have seen them , but no doubt , they are doing lots of things I haven 't seen before and the girls vocabulary would have grown lots . Talk again soon , take care everyone and God bless . Gosh here I am again so quickly you will probably be getting rather fed up with my news , especially as it isn 't very interesting . My first bit is : - I saw my first Golden Oriole today ! ! What a sight . I have heard them every day , but they are rather shy birds and you are lucky if you get a sighting , but he sounded so close this morning so I just waited and it paid off . I didn 't see him for long but it was enough to be able to make out the beautiful dark buttercup yellow and black . A silly thing to get so excited about but I was really chuffed . Also we have this dear little cattle egret that has adopted us , he has been in our garden now all week and just walks about , mainly in our pond as you can see . He can 't seem to fly very far , he goes a bit like a chicken , up in the air , flaps and then down , luckily enough to get out of the way of cats . He is obviously damaged or hurt in some way , but nothing that we can see and he seems quite happy to be with us in the garden . It 's a shame because you can 't see him very well in the photo . Today we took my mum and dad to a festival in a nearby town , it is Jazz in Marciac and we were rather lucky because the day was overcast and not too hot , it would have been unbearable if it had been like yesterday when it went up to 37 and the humidity was very very high . The town is full of stalls selling all sorts of things from musical instruments , clothes , jewellry , special food etc but none of it is what I would call tacky . There is music playing all the time , mostly jazz of course which I have to admit I really don 't like , mainly because I just don 't understand it . The people selling instruments all get together and they have jam sessions to demonstrate their wares and the atmosphere is electric . Loads and loads of different places to eat , it seems every other house and shop has a table and chair outside and in one street , you can eat from almost any country you like to choose . When we went last year we walked passed the beautiful church and there in the grounds was a grand piano with aPosted by What a fantastic week we have had with my sister and her grand - daughter here ; Richard took them to the airport yesterday morning and they are now back in their own homes , but mum , dad , Richard and I miss them already . Jess was such a joy to have , she can come back any time she likes . The reasoning behind the title of this post , you will see from the photo . Jess loves animals of any kind and we were looking for all sorts while she was here , but would you believe we found this beauty this morning . Well , my dad and Richard found it in the barn . I have put a mobile phone by the side of it otherwise you don 't realise the size of it . I should mention that this model of phone isn 't one of the teeny tiny ones either . I 'm glad I didn 't find it , because I was scared enough just taking this photo , never mind putting my hand on it ! ! ! Yuk ! Last Monday we all went to the Donjon des Aigles , which is an original presentation of the most extraordinary collection of birds of prey ( over 45 species ) and every afternoon they have a show of international fame performed with a background of music and arousing deep emotion . FANTASTIC ! ! Eagles , Condor , Vulchers , Owls , Parrots and the like , a secretary bird which was my favourite , to name just a few and at the end , they have them all flying together ! ! I would never have thought you could have these magnificent birds all in the same air space , but they have them swooping through the crowd so you can see just how huge most of them are , especially the Condor . This picture doesn 't do this bird justice , but it was sitting in the tree just above us for quite a while . They must be quite happy doing what they do , otherwise , what is to stop them just flying away ? Of course , I can 't leave this post without a photo of Smokey , just to let you see how settled and laid back he is . Mind you , we haven 't told him he is being neutered this week ! ! It seems as though we have had him for years , he is so much part of the family here . Please God , let him be here when we return from the UK . We are making everythiPosted by I wish you were here to see the faces of my parents on Wednesday . We got up and Richard had already left to " go somewhere " . We told mum and dad that he had to go and help a friend and would be back before lunch when in fact he had gone to the airport to pick up my sister who was coming to visit and bringing her grand - daughter with her . He walked into the garden with one on each arm and my dad did a double take and then we went upstairs to mum who was dutifully mopping the stairs bless her and promptly shed a few tears . It was fantastic to have them here and even more special to have family being the first ones to sleep in " the room " . It isn 't finished but it is certainly comfortable enough . In all the excitement I haven 't taken any photos of the room with some furniture in it , but I will do it later . Here is a photo of my great niece , my sister and me at the window of the room . Our little Smokey is still being as good as gold and just loves being cuddled . I 'm not sure what photos to post because I have taken so many . Perhaps this one which is really cute because it seems to show how young he is , because when you cuddle him , he finds a crevice and suckles , perhaps looking for his mummy 's milk ? How cute is he though ? ? We had a bit of a panic last night because when it was time for bed he was still outside . There we were out with the torch looking and calling but nothing . We carried on looking for him until nearly midnight and then decided it was time for us to go to bed , because in the end , when we are back in the UK for a couple of weeks , he shall have to stay out , the same as most cats in France . He is already catching various wild life and I can 't get upset about it because it is only nature after all . I hope and pray he will still be here waiting for us when we get back ; as usual the timing is really bad because we haven 't got him here long enough to settle him properly before we go back on the 6th August . All our neighbours have promised to feed and cuddle him , so I 'm sure he will be OK . We haven 't had him a wePosted by Oh my goodness , this beautiful little boy has come into our lives and it seems as though he has been here for ever . I will show you a photo of how settled he is and how much my parents have taken to him , not only us . He just melts your heart . It seems there is no - one in the village who has lost him and I have been to the vet and nothing there either , so fingers crossed , he will soon be ours . I daren 't raise my hopes just in case . We are waiting to have him neutered ( or is it spayed ) because we don 't want to spend out the money just yet , in case he is claimed . He uses his dirt box all the time , even when he has been outside all day , so we are thinking he may have been a house cat , he is so loving and so trained . Very strange , but very lucky for us . By the way , does anyone know if there is a way we can age our cat , I am guessing he will be about 9 months , but it would be good if we could age them with their teeth perhaps like a horse ! ! Also this week , we had some friends come over because they wanted to pull some bull - rushes out of our pond as they wanted to dry them for making more baskets . It was quite good fun getting them out of the pond and Richard was up to his hips at one time . Phew , the after - shave he was wearing was a bit off though ! ! It 's amazing how many rushes we have because we haven 't planted any , where on earth do they come from . We still have so many more , I suppose you just keep pulling them out ? ? Any advice on that one ? It was fascinating poking through all the rubbish , weed and roots on the side of the pond and just looking at all the life that is there both large and small . I love it and could waste quite a few hours just watching . More has been done to " the room " today and I think most of the painting is finished . We have to stain / oil the timber and also the floor and tile the bathroom , but as it is , should anyone arrive unexpectedly , they would be able to sleep in there . I have to say , it is the most beautiful room for light , amazing in the evening because the sun sets and shines through one ofPosted by I 'm afraid I 'm not finding much time to write my blog but I just had to make the time for this one . Would you believe what happened to us today ? ? Look who arrived on our doorstep in need of a home ? How very bizarre but isn 't he beautiful . Our neighbours have asked around and no - one seems to know him , it seems as though he has been " dumped " . He is very friendly and snuggles into your neck , he appears to be about 6 - 9 months old perhaps , he hasn 't been neutered , so that will be the first job , but oh , how adorable . We are trying to keep him indoors at the moment to get him used to us , not easy when you want to open all the windows in the evening because it is so hot . We will not do anything for a couple of days , just in case someone claims him , then hopefully , he will be ours . He looks pure siamese , how could anyone dump him ? Fingers crossed because we haven 't got long before we have to take my parents back , we have 2 weeks for him to settle and the neighbours have promised to look after him when we go back to the UK for a few days . The next photo is of " the room " which is coming along nicely . One more coat of paint , then we have to oil the beams and wax the woodwork , then stain the floor with a walnut oil and linseed which will give it a more " lived in " look . We are very happy with it and can 't wait now for it to be finished . I wonder why all the finishing touches take the longest , when all you want to do is move the furniture in . Still , we have waited a long time so . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . One of the good things about having this room finished is the fact that we can get rid of some of the excess furniture in all the other rooms and I can finally get my sewing cupboard out of store in a friends house . I wonder who will be the first guests to stay in there . The room is so lovely and bright I think Richard and I may use it as our room , the views from the windows are superb . Mum and dad are still enjoying themselves and I can 't believe the work my dad is doing to help Richard . Bless him , we have it planned out now that he works Posted by Very sad today because we have lost our little Marmalade , the cat we inherited with our french farmhouse . We don 't know exactly how old she was , but the neighbours seem to think she could have been about 17 , and all I can say is , we gave her the best we could in the 3 years we have had her . We have given her a couple of operations for cancerous teats , and she was always wormed and front - lined for ticks and fleas . I am happy to say we never found a tick on her so we were much luckier than my friend Debra . I have a photo of her here soon after we arrived and we were " camping " indoors and it shocked me to see how healthy she looks , very different from the last few weeks . Animals seem to know don 't they because she hasn 't eaten for 5 days and she kept going off and hiding . We did think about taking her to the vet , but I would have hated her to die on me while battling to get her into her carry box . Very hard to watch , but much better it was done nature 's way . If only they could speak , she could have told us so much about this house and the people who lived here before us . Goodbye little friend , only known for a short time , but loved just the same . We have taken a couple of days off , 1 ) to give my dad and Richard a break from all the clearing and taking trips to the tip , and 2 ) we have been visiting family and friends . Yesterday we went to see Richard 's sister and brother - in - law in their newly built house . It is beautiful and in a breath - taking position with a view of the Pyrenees almost all around the house . They live in a very remote part and not what I would want at all , nevertheless , to be able to walk about bare - foot and not worry about the mucky floors was a brilliant feeling . We had a lovely lunch with them and it was good to catch up and mum and dad really enjoyed themselves . The only problem with the day was , it was SO HOT . I know we shouldn 't complain , but oh my goodness I thought my mum was going to melt , it was about 106F . ( Can 't do the " c " I 'm afraid ) . Having said that it was lovely and cool in the house , so perfectly lovely all the time we were there . Today we went to some friends who live about 17 miles away from here , once again for lunch , so mum and I are pretty lucky on the cooking front at the moment . The day was cool and overcast , amazing how quickly the temperature changes , but very pleasant to walk around and look at their garden and what they have done . The picture is of mum , dad , Richard and myself at their well . They are getting on really well with their house and it is looking lovely . The garden is perfect and never a weed to be found , not like ours at all ! ! ! While we were there , we went scrumping and ate a lot of their cherries , they were tiny but oh so sweet . Once again a lovely day and fun showing my parents all the different houses , some new but mostly all of them being in some state of renovation , so hopefully if they come again , they will be able to see the difference in them all , especially ours . On the way home , we went a different way just to see some more of the countryside and we saw this field of cows and just look at this one , what a lovely face it has , I just had to stop and take a photo . Mum and Dad can 't believe the lPosted by We have all settled down now and mum and dad , especially mum , have got their bearings and know where they are in the house and garden . Dad never had any problem , but mum , oh dear ! I can see where I get it from : - ) We have spent most of our time trying to get to grips with the garden , although the lawn had been mowed for us once while we were away , it was still very long and even though Richard went over it on the sit on mower , the dreadful task of raking up and wheelborrowing the mowings to the bottom of the field were a nightmare . I think we have finally got on top of that , but today it is overcast , rainy and warm . YUMMY ! ! ! says the grass , we 'll have some of that then , let 's grow very quickly and come out and play ! ! You will see from the couple of pictures I am putting in that dad is in the " french official gardening uniform " bless him and the other one is of us sitting outside first thing in the morning with our first cup of tea and they are getting to know the cat , Marmalade , who was very pleased to see us back . Yesterday we went to our village dinner and we had a great time even though the language was a bit of a problem . Mum and Dad can 't speak any french at all but that didn 't stop people coming up and making them very welcome . My dad was the oldest one there and really , you would never have known that , he looks so young . Everyone was amazed at how young they both look and I was very proud of them . The lunch lasted from 12 . 30 to about 5pm and then anyone who wanted , went back for the evening to finish off the food and drink , so we walked back and watched the men playing boulles , which was great fun . I would love to have had a go , perhaps next time . Today we are taking it a little slower because we don 't want to wear my dad out before the end of their stay , there is too much to do ! ! ! ! ! ! ! : - ) For any of my family and close friends reading this , mum and dad are absolutely loving it and there are no problems whatsoever , certainly no talk of coming home early , so sorry Hilary , you have their cat for the month ! ! I Posted by Just to let you all know that I am still here and will soon be posting some more photos . We are back in France and have brought my mum and dad with us , so we have been quite busy getting them settled . My dad is really enjoying himself and all our friends over here can 't believe he is 90 next month . He has been helping us in the garden and is now helping Richard clear out the barn . All in his own time of course , but as my mum says " He 's like a pig in muck " : - ) It has been very hot here today so dad was up with the lark and we were doing various jobs in the garden before 7 . 30am . We worked all morning and after lunch we advised them to have a sleep for a couple of hours . When in France . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Mum and I pottered around the house and I caught up with some washing because yesterday we had to go out and buy a new washing machine because mine had broken a couple of days before we left here last time , so there was a back log . Seeing we had run out of knickers , we thought we had better do some laundry ! ! ! ! ! I had my re - scan last Wednesday and I got the all clear and I don 't have to go back again . Thank God for that , a nightmare over and done with . Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers . While we were in the UK last month we caught up with a lot of family and friends which we thoroughly enjoyed and we look forward to some of them coming to visit us this summer . We can 't wait . Really B & D , we can 't wait to have you here : - ) I will send you some pictures soon Brian . I am going now as Richard is going round locking doors , closing windows etc . The Archers has finished it is getting dark , the owls are hooting and the bats are flying ; is that my book calling ? perhaps it is time for bed . I will get more organised and post more often now we have our computer up and running again . Talk again soon . Night night . Here I am at Clare 's again so I thought I would just put a short post . As I have told you , we are staying with my mum and dad and when I left Vicki and the children , my little grandson asked me if he could have a red Og - Pog . What is an Og - Pog I hear you say ? Well , I knitted him a little blanket and on this blanket was a pocket in which fitted a knitted teddy . Very , very basic , almost to being quite ugly , but he LOVED it ; it was in brown and at the moment , his favourite colour is red , so he desperately wanted a red one . I bought the wool and then found that I have left the pattern in France ! ! ! ! Catastrophy ! ! I went to the shop where I had originally bought the book with the blanket patterns in and found the book . It is £ 6 , so I really didn 't want to buy another one , especially as I wouldn 't be knitting any more blankets . I told the lady in the shop my problem and showed her the little pattern of the teddy and asked if she had anything similar . The answer of course was no , they were far more sophisticated and she was very apologetic that she couldn 't photo copy it for me . I quite understood and then started planning the next plan of action . While I was deliberating , this lovely lady came and handed me a piece of paper and a pen and said , " I didn 't just do that " and walked away . How cool was that ? The next few minutes was spent busily scribbling down the pattern and I came away a very happy bunny . When I arrived back home , I showed William the red wool and he was so excited and he wanted me to start it now ! ! Of course I couldn 't because I hadn 't got any needles with me so I needed to get to my mums and do it there . All he could say was , " Please Nannie , please , can 't you do it with your fingers ? " You could try . Now I am at my mums and it is time to knit the little Og - Pogs . As you can see , I am getting rather carried away now and have done a couple for the girls . Mum , Dad , Richard and I have just enjoyed a lovely meal at Clare 's . Mum always says she loves coming here because , with Clare and Kenny being trained chefsPosted by Sometimes it 's a job to know where we are , we travel back and forth so many times . We are here in the UK for 3 weeks now , until the 26th June as we have some celebrations to go to . Also I heard today that I have my re - scan on the 25th June , so fingers crossed on that . Although I have had the all clear once , I am still really worried about it . Richard and I are staying at my mum and dad 's after a short stay with Vicki and the grandchildren which was wonderful . We will be doing various little jobs that mum and dad want doing and planning their trip back to France with us . You will notice that there won 't be many posts from me because I can 't use my laptop at my parent 's house , I am doing this at Clare 's , but I will be catching up as soon as I can . My mum has said that she would like to be able to use a computer and we have a spare laptop , so while we are over in France , I am going to try and teach her , and if she gets on OK , she can have that one . The thing that really excited her was looking at my blog , she had no idea I was doing one and she couldn 't quite get her head around the fact that you can put " pictures and diary " on there so your family and friends can read it . She particularly laughed at the photo I had posted of her and me in bed one morning . Bless her , 88 in October and wanting to blog , how cool is that ? ? I will post again when I can . Take care everyone , I 'm now off to catch up on all your goings on . Richard and I are now on countdown before we go back to the UK for a couple of weeks . We are going for various reasons , 1 - Richard has some dental work that needs to be completed , 2 - It is our daughter 's birthday on the 14th and 3 - Our best friend 's son 's wedding on the 21st . After that we are back here and bringing my mum and dad with us and I am SO looking forward to it . At the moment we are trying to clear up and make it look presentable for them for when they arrive , because when you live in a " building site " for a long time , you don 't tend to notice the plaster dust and bits and pieces until you know your mother is coming to visit ! ! ! ! All hell is let loose around here at the moment , and anything that stands still for just a while gets a dust , look out Richard . Having said that , it looks exactly the same again the next day and to be honest , my mum isn 't going to say anything anyway . I just want it to look the best it can and I hope and pray she doesn 't worry about the holes in the stairs and the plaster coming off the wall . Ooops , perhaps I should tell her about that ? ? No , she 'll be fine . Dad has wanted to come out here for such a long time because he loves helping Richard and pottering about . He is 90 in August so we don 't expect any heavy work from him , but he just likes to feel part of it and they work so well together . It gives dad a purpose . Mum called me the other day and asked if she needed to bring anything , like the porridge oats that dad has every morning . Bless her , I think even she is looking forward to it now and we didn 't think we would EVER get my mum out here . Oohh I 'm so excited . I said I would take a photo of my basket so here goes , promise not to laugh . I know it has a " sticky out " handle , but I quite like that crooked bit and it gives it a bit of quirkiness and character . Now that it has dried out I need to give it a coat of linseed oil tomorrow and that should bring the colour out a bit more . As you can see , it holds our eggs without falling over ! ! I am going to pull some bullrushes frPosted by Gosh , how long has it been since I last posted ? ? As you can see by the title of the post , it hasn 't been a particularly good time , lots of things going on and I couldn 't get my head around the blogging . I had a horrid health scare which involved doctors , mammograms , ultra - sounds with those horrid words " Oh I don 't like the look of that , do we have your permission to do a biopsy now while you 're here " . All this was back in the UK and we were coming back to France with my youngest daughter for her 2 week holiday on the Sunday and the biopsy was on the Wednesday . It was going to take a week to get the results ! ! ! Do we go on holiday or not ? ? I decided yes , what the hell I was desperate for Clare to see our house , she has only had a flying visit of one night and that was soon after we bought it , so she hasn 't seen any of the renovations yet . Anyway , I had a call from the hospital on Monday evening and ALL IS WELL ! ! ! I have to go back to be re - scanned in 6 weeks , but they say it is a cyst that had burst and they want to make sure all the " rubbish " has been absorbed . Now we can enjoy having our daughter to stay at our house . As it happened though , her husband wasn 't too good and wanted to go home , so they only stayed for one week . I was very upset , but understood the reasoning behind him wanting to go home and at least I had Clare here for a short while . When we turned up at the house in France I was amazed at how much Richard and our friends had done while I had been in the UK . It looks fantastic and they have made huge progress on the room . Still a lot to do , but we can now see the light at the end of the tunnel . Also , while I was in the UK , my mum and dad have said they are coming back with us next time , so it will be so good to have them here for a while . Hopefully they will stay for the whole of July , I can 't wait , we have so much we want to do with them and introduce them to our friends . I think also , it is going to be their 67th wedding anniversary while they are here , so we will have to have a party for them . ThaPosted by The children are in bed , the parents are out and I am here on my own , so wish me luck ! ! While all are safely tucked up I thought I would take the opportunity to post a few words , that is , as long as I can keep my eyes open . We have had a couple of bad nights with the children , poor Bubbs had croup and he really suffers trying to breathe , so that was one night up , because it had also woken the girls and they were screaming just for the hell of it . That was my first night back here , the second night , poor Bubbs had bad dreams so was up again . He is usually so good at sleeping as well , I 'm beginning to think it is me . I would hate to think I am upsetting the system by being here . Today , the weather improved in the afternoon and the children played outside in the sunshine for a little while . So good to be able to let them free in the fresh air , and hopefully it will help them sleep tonight . I spoke to Richard again this evening and he is busy starting to clear up ready to come back to the UK . I can 't wait to have him back again , but also , I can 't wait to see what he has been doing . It sounds as though he has got on very well , the bathroom was going in today and the electrics are in . I am amazed how quickly he has done it all with the help of a very good friend and his wife . When I was chatting to him earlier , they were sitting outside , having a drink after they had finished their dinner which Richard had BBQ 'd . I was very pleased to hear that our swallows are still on their nests , so all the upheaval hasn 't upset them . I would have been devastated if they had gone . It 's quite amusing because when he is talking to me from outside , you can hear the frogs singing in the background . Well I am going to go now and catch up with all the blogs I have been missing for the last few days . Take care everyone and I will talk to you again soon . Well here I am back at Clare 's after spending 4 days with my mum and dad . It was really good to catch up with them and while I was there we spent a day with my sister for her birthday . We had a lovely meal with her and all her children and grandchildren came round to give her gifts and good wishes , so it turned out to be a lovely family party . While at mums , we did a bit of knitting because my grandchildren are needing some dolls clothes , so after we had sorted out some patterns from my sister , we came home and started . The knitting needles started clicking and the little clothes started growing and it was a contented time sitting with my mum sharing our hobbies . While we were knitting , dad was busy in his work room making a box for Clare 's knitting needles . He is so happy when he is doing " stuff " and when he has any of his family there , quite different to when they are on their own , but then , I suppose we are all a bit like that . One of the things that was fun was the mornings , dad would get up and make us a cup of tea and I would hop into bed with mum and we would chat and read , just like the old days . Today , being back at Clare 's she gave me a real treat and we went in search of bluebells in a village close to where I used to live . We found them and they were fantastic , this carpet of blue especially with the contrast of the new green of beech leaves . To me , there is nothing in the world like english beech woods with bluebells and cowslips . Once we had been there , we went for a bit of shopping and some lunch . All this was done in quite a short space of time but oh ! so worth it . Thank you Clare , I loved every moment . Tomorrow I am spending time with my oldest friend , we have known each other for 52 years , oh my goodness , that is frightening when I see it in black and white . We used to live next door to each other so really she is more like a sister , so I am looking forward to that ; then it is back to my other daughter 's and the grandchildren . Sometimes , when I am over in the UK , I wonder where I am and whose bedPosted by I haven 't posted for a while again because I just feel whatever I write is going to be so boring , so I am even more grateful for the award I was given from Deborah of From Here to Eternity . Thank you very much , I feel honoured . The days are passing very quickly even though they are not jam packed with building , gardening housework etc , except via the telephone with Richard . Bless him , he is doing so well and it sounds as though the room is coming along nicely . The windows are in and the electrics are now going in , so there is going to be such a change when I get back . He will be coming back here to the UK in the first week of May and then I will be going back with him , with our daughter and her husband and I can 't wait to show Clare what we have been doing . She has only seen the house once and that was quite a while ago and she was only there for a night , so we are going to have lots of fun during their visit . I can 't wait : - ) It will be good to hear the sound of the toads and frogs again , and the cuckoo which we don 't seem to hear in this part of the UK . I think I have probably missed the tamarisk in bloom but hopefully there will be lots of other shrubs and trees out . We have a couple of acacias , which , when they are in blossom , the perfume fills the garden . I have nearly finished the book Divas Don 't Knit by Gil McNeil , and it really is a very good read . Very light and I can relate to so much of it , as I 'm sure a lot of mums will . I know it has taken me a long time , but I am a slow reader and to be honest , I feel too guilty to sit and read for the whole day . Why , I have no idea but there you go , it 's in - built . It 's my sister 's birthday tomorrow so I am hoping to go and see her and take her present . As you know I have this brilliant book called 25 bags to knit , well , I have found this lovely book by a different author , called 25 cushions to knit and it has some very attractive cushions in there . Would you believe they are using Rowan wool again , but I will tell my sister that perhaps she should use an alternative . Posted by I feel very guilty having this time on my hands . It 's strange isn 't it , it 's what we all would like and then when you get it you feel guilty and don 't know what to do with it . I have had a wonderful time sitting up in Clare 's office while she is working and I have been reading a book . It 's called Divas don 't Knit and so far , it 's a very good read . A few naughty words , but then it 's quite difficult to find books without those nowadays . Also I have been knitting but not getting on as well as I should have done . The trouble is , I bought some very expensive wool that the pattern for my bag asked for , Rowan , and I started the bag with beads . I did the back which was plain and then I started the front . I have never knitted with beads before so after looking at the instructions I threaded the beads onto my yarn and started knitting . How disappointed I was to get 12 rows in and finding a huge knot in the yarn . I am using Rowan Big Wool so there is NO WAY I can push the beads over the knot . What do you do then ? ? You are completely stuck . I sent an email to Rowan but have received no reply and I went back to the lovely wool shop today and asked if she would give the feedback to Rowan for me . She was brilliant and very helpful , which is more than can be said for Rowan because she said they wouldn 't bother replying , they don 't even reply to her . How bad is that ? The answer they give is , in the UK , it is acceptable in the industry to have 5 knots in a 100g ball of wool . Personally , I think that stinks . I am so discouraged by this because the bag is lovely and it was going to look very good with the beads . Meanwhile I fiddled about making a little flower . This will be needed for my new bag as you can see in the photo . Clare wanted to try various small projects that can be finished quickly so I tried it out first . It 's very quick and can be used as a brooch . While I was knitting Bilbo came up and of course was giving me a helping hand . Cats always like to be in on everything don 't they , the thing here is , not to have the wool drPosted by |
Master is doing His own form of nerding tonight . He 's been rocking out on some video games . It 's all good . So I decided to do some nerding of my own . I found lots of cool little things I could do to keep my blog the same , but give it some added flair . I love flair . ( No , not those stupid buttons from the movie Office Space . Although , that movie is funny as hell . ) And the recent comments widget stopped working so I changed that too and now it shows the person 's avatar ( or lack there of ) next to their comment . Sweet , right ? So , you may be asking yourself , " Kitten , what the hell else do you want to change ? ! " I 'll tell you , because I know you want to know very badly . I want it so that instead of a boring little link showing how many comments there are on a post ( and therefore linking to the place where you can leave a comment ) I want a comment bubble up by the post title . I found this link telling me how to do it but it 's not working ! All it is doing is putting a blank space in between the date and post title . It 's not adding anything at all . I 've searched on the web for other ways to do it and have tried them as well , but those are also not working . This is when my bipolar kicks in and makes me slightly obsessed with figuring it out . I keep telling Master that I 'm almost done and then 15 minutes later I 'm still plugging away at it . Damn . Okay , I have to give up . . . at least for now . If anyone has any tips / suggestions / pointers I 'd really appreciate it ! No comments : Okay , so the month started off in the low to mid 50 's . Then we were freezing fucking cold for a good week to a week and a half . Then it got back up to the 40 's for a couple of days . Yesterday was cold and snowing and blah but not too bad . Today with the windchill it was about - 5 ° . Tomorrow apparently it 's supposed to get down to - 23 ° . And then Saturday it 's supposed to go back up to 24 ° . What the shit ? ! Ugh . Oh , and the gas prices right now are about as bad as the weather . It was $ 3 . 23 two days ago . Yesterday it was $ 3 . 39 and today it 's $ 3 . 59 . Yes , I pay that much attention to the gas prices . First , there is two gas stations literally within five minutes of the apartment . Second , with me driving the car to work every day I try to keep an eye on that sort of thing like a hawk . Master and I are both stiff and sore today . And no , it 's not from anything fun unfortunately . I had a rough day at work and He was home today so He did some deep cleaning in the apartment . That was so sweet of Him . Oh , and He was kind enough to hide the porn . That would have been awkward . See , it 's those small details you never think about until you know someone is coming over . Normally the porn is sitting on the entertainment center plain as day right next to the movies and video games . No comments : Last night Master allowed me to skip my post because my left ankle , knee and hip were bothering me . My ankle was the worst one though . I think it 's because I slipped quite a few times while walking around outside the day before . I didn 't fall down but sometimes just slipping feels worse later on . Ugh . So I spent a lot of time on the couch , trying to relax my leg and stretch it out a bit . Today my leg is feeling a bit better . I 'm still limping a bit though . I 'm trying not to baby it too much though . That 's almost as bad as pushing through it too much . Then my right wrist is acting up again . It was worse last night . I 've been wearing my wrist brace at work and everything , so I don 't know why the hell it 's bugging me now . My eye twitch is still happening on and off . Joy . That 's been going on for about a month now . I have no idea how to get it to chill out but at least it 's happening less frequently now . I have another fucking cold sore . I think I caught it early this time so hopefully it 'll be gone sooner rather than later . I 'm drinking more water , putting Lypsyl on it and basically doing everything I can to not touch it . Today several fellow bloggers and / or followers of my blog were kind enough to let me know that my blog posts were being lifted and posted here . It seems that my blog isn 't alone in this . So , if you blog you may wish to check it out and see if the same is being done to your content . I have reported them as well as commented on one of the posts they lifted from me telling them to remove any and all blog posts of mine due to the fact that I never gave them permission to lift and post them on that blog , or any other blog . Now , I know that not all of my blog posts are interesting . Sometimes I 'm just doing a normal old blog post . Other times I 'm doing Eden Fantasys posts and other times I 'm doing sexy stuff about what Master and I have been up to . Now , yes . . . this person is not technically claiming these posts as their own as there is a link stating where the original information came from . However , that doesn 't mean that it is right . After all , I know I would feel bad about taking someone else 's post and posting it on this blog , without permission , yet still linking back . Someone started lifting the pictures of me that Master had taken and putting them on their blogs and / or feeds . Permission was never granted for that . It had happened more than once with different people lifting them and so eventually Master and I got tired of it and He instructed me to take the pictures down . They have never been posted on this blog again . It kind of sucks because I know that Master enjoyed having me post the pictures and I sometimes miss putting certain ones up as well . But here we are . It 's better this way . Just so there is no confusion in the future , if you ever see a blog post of mine on any other blog but this one , it was lifted . The only exception to this would be a previous blog that I moved from . However that would be clearly marked and would provide a link to the new blog URL . But I thought of another thing I 'd really love for my birthday . This year it lands on a Monday , unfortunately . So I 'd rather do this either the Sunday before or the Saturday after . I 'd really love to have a day of nothing but perversion basically . One of the things I kind of want can 't happen . I say kind of because the thought turns me on but at the same time scares me a little . Master used to use His belt to punish me . I would get however many lashes with the belt on my ass . Sometimes of course it would slip and hit my lower back or my thighs instead , but shit happens . ( By the way , the lower back hurts like a bitch . ) No , I don 't want to be punished for my birthday . But I also wouldn 't mind the kind of release a belt lashing would provide . A release on a level that I can 't really put my finger on . All I know is I cry afterward and that I feel cleansed in an odd way . Maybe that 's because it was used for punishment ? I don 't know . But it can 't happen because the noise would go through these damn thin apartment walls and the cops would more than likely be called . No one wants to deal with that awkward situation . Maybe a hand spanking ? I don 't think that would be too loud . Not sure though . I would also love to get tipsy , watch porn , and fuck a few times . Hopefully my body would also be up to anal . At least we could try it , right ? Right . Oh ! And a blindfold involved somehow at some point ! And honestly that whole spanking thing isn 't related to just because it 's my birthday . It 's also because it hasn 't happened in a long time . If it was strictly due to my birthday it would be 30 lashes / smacks . But we all know that the number of lashes / smacks is up to Him . It could be under , over , or that exact number . Maybe Master will allow it . I don 't see why He would object , except for maybe the spanking part . And the only reason He would object to that is because of the noise . Today Master and I got up rather early for us on a Saturday . Master pretty much just jumped in the shower and as soon as He was done we were out the door . We were only 10 minutes late and that was due to traffic . The beginning of the party was at a kid 's arcade . So it was busy . Master and His brother ended up challenging each other to a racing game , which was hilarious . It was a good time and the birthday girl loved all of her presents . In fact she started reading the book we got her as soon as she opened it . * laughs * It was cute . We all sat around and talked , joked around , and ate . It 's amazing to me how different it is when we see that side of His family now versus when we first starting talking to them again . Everyone is completely relaxed with one another and it feels more like when we go down to see my family . Everyone is chill . There is no real tension at all . We were there for another two hours before we all headed out , hugged goodbye and got in our cars . I have to say that His niece and nephew are great kids . I 'm sure the one on the way will be as well . I can 't say that I 'm totally attached to them yet but I have a small spot for them . Especially the boy . He 's an awesome little dude . I actually got a little cuddle from him today . On the way home we talked about the visit and when we got home we talked about it a little more in depth . My father - in - law 's current wife was there . She basically refuses to acknowledge we exist when we 're around . Master and her got into it verbally a little about 20 years ago , before He stopped talking to that side of the family . And she has held that grudge for 20 fucking years . Everyone else in the family , the ones who have a right to hold a grudge , have wiped the slate clean and welcome Him with open arms . This bitch . . nope . But aside from her acting like we 're invisible everyone had a great time . We are becoming closer with His father 's side of the family and I 'm enjoying it . It 's really nice to have a set of in - laws that genuinely like me and I like them and we can chill and relax . Master has that with both my mother and my dad , more so my dad though . I didn 't have that until He started talking to His dad again . It 's been about three or four years now but in the past year it 's all definitely kicked up a notch . They want us to be more a part of the family and we are more than happy to step up to that . Before we were still trying to test the waters and everyone was getting used to everyone else . Now ? We 're all chilled out and have a good time . The past couple of days I have felt worn down . Just kind of zombish . Yes , I know that 's not a word but really that 's the only thing I can think of to describe it . I 'm not depressed , I 'm not down or anything like that . I think it 's because of the sudden weather changes this past couple of weeks . Just last week it was in the 40 's and all this past week it 's been below 0 with the windchill . Now we 're on the rise again . And going in and out of the cold to a heated enviroment is not helping . Yes I know . Last minute shopper . But with how cold it 's been we haven 't really felt like going out unless we absolutely had to . Tonight it wasn 't that bad out . It was in the low 20 's . All I knew for sure is that she is obsessed with Minnie Mouse . So I kind of made a gift bag . I got a nice gift bag to put everything in . What I ended up buying was three different Minnie Mouse coloring books , Minnie Mouse crayons , a Minnie Mouse figure , a Minnie Mouse puzzle and a Disney princess book . Almost everything is Minnie Mouse so I think she 'll be happy . I tossed the Disney princess book in there because I thought she would like it . Plus , kids need books . So tomorrow we are going to the birthday party and apparently afterward we are all going out to lunch . I 'm sure it 'll be a good time even though Master and I are not looking forward to getting up that early on a Saturday . But family is family and at least we 'll get to sleep in on Sunday . No comments : Ever since my dad started selling his memorabilia I 've noticed that I 've been wanting to listen to that band more . It 's not really all that unusual I guess . It 's a collection that my father and I bonded over . I helped him build his and he helped me build mine . When I moved in with Master I didn 't really have a place for all of it and I wasn 't as much of a fanatic as I used to be either . But I didn 't want to just get rid of it . My dad had a large collection and most of the stuff I had he didn 't as it was newer stuff . He 'd been collecting since 1974 . So I gave all of my stuff to him . Yes , some of that stuff has been sold and no I didn 't ask for any of the money . The reason why is I had given it to him . * shrugs * I have no claim to any of the money anymore . It was given to him over seven years ago and it wasn 't given to him under the condition that he never got rid of any of it . To be perfectly honest I never thought I 'd see the day he 'd sell off his collection . There are some items that he is holding onto . Some of them because they are sentimental and others because he knows they won 't bring in any money and he just likes them . The only down side to my wanting to listen to this music is because Master is not a fan of the band . In fact he finds them rather irritating . He likes a very few select songs and that 's it . Where as I like almost all of their music . From the 70 's to the early 2000 's . They are still making music but to be perfectly honest I don 't really care for their newest music . ( My favorite era of theirs mainly being their crotch rock years . ) This way I get to hear the music and not annoy Master . It 's not like he 'd get mad at me or anything . I just think this is easier and makes more sense all the way around . I 'm not sure what the hell my dad is going to put up after this lot . Aside from posters and things of that nature his vintage stuff is pretty much gone . Well , the parts that he is willing to part with anyway . So it 'll all be stuff from the late 80 's to early 90 's . Hopefully those will sell well . I hope that one day my dad and I can to go another concert for this band . Just one more . Who knows , maybe Master will go just to hang with my dad and I . My dad has said that if we do ever get to go another concert he would like my Husband to go with us . Yes , he knows how Master feels about the band . He just likes my Hubby that much and wants to share that with Him . Dad would completely understand if Master declined though . He 's cool like that . But that 's assuming that we have that chance . They are still touring but we don 't know if they 'll come around this way when we actually have the money , ya know ? No comments : But even though it was almost midnight Master didn 't make me go to bed by myself . He made a joke that if I was good in bed I could stay up tomorrow night ( meaning tonight ) . I acted shocked and said , " You mean I 've been bad in bed before ? ! " After that He had me lay on my back while He roughly played with my tits . I reached down and did my best to continue stroking His cock before He slipped down and ate me out . I got off rather hard and before I could totally catch my breath Master told me to get on all fours and put my ass in the air . He gripped my wrists with one hand and used His other hand to grab my neck and keep me from moving my upper body . I literally could not move . It was fucking hot ! After He filled me with His cum He had me clean Him off before He held me for a short period of time . It was a little after 1am by that point . So He said goodnight and I passed out almost immediately . So today while I was at work I asked Him if the sex had been good enough for me to stay up tonight . And apparently yes , yes it was . * grins * A car was behind me . Apparently I wasn 't going fast enough for the person behind me as they continued to ride my ass . Well fuck you very much I 'm not speeding up even more . I don 't need a ticket and traffic was heavy . So I see from my rear view mirror that he ducked into the next lane . Fine . Thank you for getting off my ass . Then he decides he wants to cut me off . Not only cut me off but damn near take my front bumper with him . I blared the horn and he flipped me off . He does his duck and move again only this time he decides to do it on a curve . I am so glad I had slowed down when I noticed he moved from behind me because even though I had let off on the gas pedal he still damn near took my front bumper . I have a feeling that if I had continued at the speed I was originally going I would have been making a dreaded phone call to Master telling him that I was in an accident . They don 't have the soda . Whatever . That doesn 't bother me one way or another . They don 't have Master 's cigarettes . Shit . That means I have to go to a different gas station before I go home . Fine . It took them three tries to get my payment to go through . Then they told me that they forgot to ring up one of the items . Gah ! So they ring that up and I pay for it . I take the gas card and go out to the gas pump . They only put $ 10 on my gas card rather than the $ 20 I told them to put on . So I put the gas in my tank while freezing half to death and then sit in my car and pull out the receipts to see what the fuck had happened . I had paid the $ 20 in cash and the rest by card . The $ 20 in cash was from the guy in my carpool . I always keep a gas only gift card to put the money he gives me on so that I know that is exactly what that is going towards . I also tell them to put $ 10 on my gas card . They tell me that they have to do that as a separate transaction . Okay then . . . It 's the same chain of gas stations and I know that isn 't needed and / or policy but I assume the person is new and just shrug it off . So I pay for the soda and cigarettes . They say thanks and goodbye . The person behind me damn near walks into me expecting me to move . Um no . I told the cashier that I had asked for $ 10 to be put on the gas gift card and that they had told me that it had to be a separate transaction from the other stuff I literally just paid for . By this point I can feel myself getting pissed off . I don 't yell . I don 't scream . I take a very deep breath and wait to be told I can swipe my payment card . They try to put the money on the gift card and the register is telling them they cannot . It says it 's an invalid card . I try to calmly explain that I had just used said card and that there was still money on it . By this point I start to think about forgetting about putting money on the gas card and just do it tomorrow . But I 'm already right there so I decide fuck that , it 's happening now . I 've been to two gas stations and all I want is to put $ 20 on a fucking gas gift card . $ 10 was put on . I just need to put $ 10 more on it . A manager now has to be pulled into this hot mess . The manager tries it not once , not twice but three times before deciding to try it on a different register . What do ya know it fucking worked on the other register ! Finally I can walk out of there and go home . I cranked the radio , as I am known to do when I 'm more than annoyed , and drive home . Master can of course tell I 'm annoyed when I walk in the door and I start to explain what happened and why I 'm so pissy and as I 'm doing so I 'm getting a little more worked up about it . He literally stops me by placing His hand on my chest and tells me to calm down and take a few deep breaths . I did and then finished explaining . I had to stop and think back on it all and try to figure out whether or not my getting angry was logical or not . As I 'm reading over this , I realize that anyone would have gotten pissed off after all that . Plus , I controlled myself . I didn 't go off the handle at any point in time . I cranked some music and vented . That 's all I did . I didn 't yell at anyone . I haven 't been sleeping well lately . What 's weird is that it 's only on the nights prior to work . Friday nights I sleep great ! Saturday nights I sleep like the dead . Sunday through Thursday on the other hand it 's anyone 's guess . Lately I 've been waking up a good hour to a hour and a half before my alarm is supposed to go off . The dumb thing is I am not a morning person by and stretch of the imagination . When that happens I basically refuse to get out of bed . I end up rolling over , pulling the blanket damn near over my head and then trying to fall back asleep . I have no idea why it 's happening . The dog isn 't waking me up . Master isn 't waking me up . There isn 't a sudden noise or light . I just wake up for absolutely no reason . If I could figure out how to do something about it I would . But since there doesn 't seem to be anything triggering it I have no idea how to go about finding a solution . Master had used me right before bed and normally that will knock me the hell out . Sex normally does one of two things . It either makes me fall asleep almost immediately with a smile on my face or it wires me the hell up and I feel like I 've drank an entire pot of coffee . So I basically was there in bed trying to fall asleep . I didn 't toss or turn . I had my head on the pillow , the blankets all tucked around me and my eyes closed . I just could not get myself to shut off . I need a light switch installed I think . So last night I think I got about four to five hours of sleep and it wasn 't a straight set of sleep at that . It was broken at random points . The most fucked up thing ? I 'm not tired . I was tired earlier in the day but I 'm not now . I wish I could just make my body shut down by staying up as late as possible until my brain starts to shut itself down . Sometimes that 's the only way I can reset my clock . But I have a bedtime and I highly doubt that Master would allow that when He knows I have to have the car on the interstate by 7am . Last night after I was done with my shower Master had me dress up for Him . I picked out something that I haven 't worn a lot . He seemed very pleased with my choice . We sat in the living room and talked for a little while before we decided to head back to the bedroom . It was great . I got chewed on and licked almost everywhere . He made me into a pretzel several times in different ways . The only bad thing about the outfit that I chose was that there is really no grip to the material it 's made out of . So there were times where Master was trying to keep my legs in a particular position but His hands would start to slip a little because of the outfit I was wearing . Thankfully He could work around it and it didn 't take away from anything at all . After we caught our breath I took my outfit off , cleaned Him off and we decided to go relax and watch a little Netflix . I think I ended up passing out on the couch around 3am or so . When Master woke me up to go to the bedroom I remember quickly climbing under the blankets and shaking a little bit because I was cold . It sucks going from being nice and warm and cozy to trying to get warm in a bed that has been in a room where a fan is on 24 / 7 . Master pulled me me close to Him and wrapped the blanket around me a little tighter . Before I knew it I was nice and warm again and able to drift back off to sleep . I 'm so glad that Master and I are finally over those damn colds . Anyone who has read my blog for a while knows that our relationship basically started on sex . It was supposed to be a one night stand that turned into a fuck buddy situation . It turned into that because not only was the sex phenomenal but we had a lot of fun hanging out together . From there feelings beyond friendship developed . It sounds like it took a long time and at the time it felt like more time had gone by than it actually had . It honestly didn 't . A month maybe ? A little over a month tops . We fell hard and we fell fast . I 'm not saying that sex is essential to our relationship . We 're not like that . We love each other very much and it 's not like we 'd leave one another if we couldn 't have sex anymore . That is far from the truth . But when we can 't have sex just because we 're sick and don 't feel up to it it 's frustrating . This time however my uncle was already there . So we sat down and chilled for a while . Then Dad 's next door neighbor stopped by for a bit . We 're kinda sorta friends with him . Friend in the sense that we know him and talk shit when he comes over when we 're at my dad 's . Anyway . . . as time went on Master and I started to wonder whether or not we were still going to be doing the pictures and all that for eBay . So when my dad asked us if we wanted to watch a movie I kinda fumbled and asked if we were still doing the pictures of his memorabilia . He acted as if he had honestly completely forgot about it . We all were having a good time so I think it just slipped his mind for a moment . So we skipped the movie and almost immediately went and started . He keeps everything in one of the spare bedrooms . And since we were going down there my uncle and the neighbor came down there too . Everyone was talking and my dad was getting easily sidetracked with conversation because the neighbor or my uncle would ask him questions about certain items we were going to be putting up . At one point basically Master was taking the pictures , I was writing down what the item was and what pictures to use while my dad talked . * laughs * After that my dad told me what he wanted me to start the auctions off at and gave me some pointers as to what to write down . He trusts me with my descriptions on the items though because it 's something we bonded over and I actually bought him some of the things he 's putting up . So I know quite a bit about the subject matter to begin with . Eventually the neighbor headed back home so we went and sat in the living room and hung out with my dad and uncle for a while . We talked about Grandpa ( their dad ) and apparently his eyesight is worse than I thought . My uncle is going out there about once a day to help him with things for a couple of hours . He made Grandpa promise that he wouldn 't drive . My uncle has agreed to take him to all of his doctor appointments and to take him grocery shopping . Grandpa 's eye doctor is going to be calling him either Monday or Tuesday . I don 't know what exactly the phone call is about but all I know is that I 'm worried . I guess his eyesight is worse in certain light . They were telling me some of the things he was trying to do while they were out there and they were so simple but he simply couldn 't see . He actually held a phone in his hand and kept turning it over trying to figure out which side had the numbers on it . Earlier in the day he hadn 't a problem with it but it was getting closer to dusk . All the lights in the house were on but he couldn 't tell . Grandpa 's neighbors are keeping a close eye on him . They 've lived next door to him since my dad and uncle were teenagers . They are good friends , so I 'm thankful for that . And my dad and uncle are going to be calling him and going out there to check up on him and help him with things around the house . Today , after work , I went to my shrink appointment . It 's nothing much really . I go there , tell him how I 've been , give him any updates , get my prescription , and then leave . Aside from waiting to be called back the entire thing takes about 15 minutes . He is keeping me how I am as it 's obviously working . He wants to see me again in six months . I think the fact that he feels we can wait six months in between appointments is a good thing . I did have to update my insurance information as my job changed the copay and all that . I hate filling out that paperwork . Especially when they take a copy of the card itself . You have all of the information right there ! Ugh . Oh well . We were supposed to go down to my dad 's afterward to go hang out and do eBay stuff . But he had called and left a voice mail saying that my uncle had called him saying that they had to go out to grandpa 's . Now the word my dad had used on the voice mail was emergency . So I was worried . I called dad a few times but no answer . Okay . Fine . I 'll wait . I guess my uncle had made it sound a lot more urgent to my dad than what it was . I 'm not mad that Dad cancelled I 'm just a little upset that it sounded a lot worse than it actually was . Well , not upset that it wasn 't worse obviously but upset that I had been so worried due to how big it sounded when they knew from the get go , or at least my uncle did , that it was just them going out to help Grandpa . But at least he 's okay ! I guess he 's going to the eye doctor on Monday . Hopefully it 's not a complication from his diabetes . He is always at the doctor 's due to his heart so I 'm sure that is being monitored closely as well . So we 're going down to my dad 's tomorrow . No comments : Master and I are nerds . Big ones , in our own ways . But there are some things that we both agree 100 % on even if it 's more His thing than mine or the other way around . Most of these things involve movies . In fact , there are movies that we decide do not exist shortly after seeing them . Why ? Because they were that offensive on a nerd / fan boy / fan girl level that we must state they do not exist so that our heads do not explode . Yes , they are that bad . And since they do not exist I can 't really rant about them here otherwise that would be admitting that they do , in fact , exist . And as a result I would also have to admit that I did , in fact , watch them . Which , of course , never happened . Why did it never happen ? Well , because something that doesn 't exist obviously cannot be watched . And we cannot watch something that cannot be watched . Tonight one of those movies almost made the list . It was Master 's call though since this particular one was on His list of fan boy stuff and not on my list of fan girl stuff . It was The Dark Knight Rises . He is a huge Batman fan . I know enough to get by and to mostly know what He 's talking about as long as He doesn 't go into all the back history and all that . But even though I 'm not a huge fan of Batman I have to say that movie fucking sucked . I never want to see that movie again in my life . Not only did it suck but it didn 't even fucking make sense ! Take all the Batman history out of it and it still didn 't make sense . It 's a good thing we saw Ted earlier this week . That movie is fucking awesome ! I loved the hell out of that movie . I wish we could have watched the unrated version . The disc had the option but apparently since it was a rental it didn 't allow you to select the unrated version . That sucked . But I might want to actually buy that movie . I don 't know yet . Even if I do , I 'll wait for it to go down in price . We don 't own a lot of movies anymore now that we can just watch them through Netflix . That one though ? Yeah . . I may just have to own that one . No comments : My parents are divorced but they were divorced rather late in my life . Their divorce was final shortly before my 17th birthday . As a result it didn 't really effect me one way or the other . With my dad it 's a bit different . My dad doesn 't really have a " dad mode " . The only thing that 'll really throw him into that is when he feels the need to get protective . Then all hell breaks loose . But other than that we just hang out and chill . I have absolutely no fucking idea what kicked that up . I think my dad is just lonely . In fact I know he 's lonely . My dad hates being on the phone but he kept me on the phone tonight for over a half hour . This is the first time in his 51 years of life that he has ever lived on his own . He went from living with his parents to living with my mother . From my mother he immediately moved in with his girlfriend and from that girlfriend he immediately moved in his last girlfriend . Now she is gone and he 's by himself . Sometimes something like that will just smack me in the face and make me think about how it 's not really normal . But the thing of it is that it is normal to me . Since I was a teenager , aside from the protective thing , he has been my friend rather than my dad . And we 're going down there this Saturday to take pictures of more stuff for his eBay sales . I 'm sure we 'll have a good time . No comments : You know , the normal Monday bullshit and then I get a phone call from my mother around 3pm . It 's about my grandfather . Immediately I get on edge . My grandpa 's health is not that great and hasn 't been for a very long time . Well apparently he had surgery on his eye on Friday . He didn 't bother telling anyone mind you . Just bam . Went in for eye surgery . And now he 's on his third day of recovery and suddenly got upset and a little freaked out . He said he couldn 't really see . He had only been able to call my mom because she had been the last number he dialed earlier in the day . Other wise he couldn 't see the numbers on the phone . He wanted someone to go out there . My mom has no car , so she called my brother . My brother called our uncle but he was at work . He called our dad but he had completely thrown out his back . So my brother went out there by himself . I wouldn 't have been able to get down there in a decent enough amount of time . So I was on pins and needles until my brother sent me a text telling me that Grandpa is okay . He just got a little freaked out . My brother had offered to take him to the hospital or the doctor 's office but Grandpa of course refused and said he felt a little silly for getting upset like that . But I 'd much rather him call about something he 'll feel silly about later than to be his usual stubborn self and do something crazy like oh I don 't know . . . driving himself to the hospital that is over a half hour away while having a heart attack . . . again . I am more relaxed now that I know everything is okay . I 'm glad my brother went out there . I guess he stayed for a few hours until Grandpa reassured him that he would be fine by himself . No comments : He slid down and ate me out . He took His time doing so . I am really lucky to have a Master that enjoys eating me out . He 's incredible at it . After I came He gently continued to lick and finger me leading me into another very intense orgasm . He barely gave me time to catch my breath before He grabbed my waist and put me on all fours . I got into good posture and He forced me to back onto His cock . I was dripping wet and already a little swollen . So backing onto His cock like that was amazing . He was gentle at first , to a point . He leaned over me , covering my back with His chest and stomach while He nuzzled the side of my face and rested His head against my shoulder . It made the connection I was already feeling from Him fucking me all that more intense . Eventually He stopped being on the more gentle side and bounced me off His cock telling me to orgasm over and over again . He ordered me to cum one last night right before He filled me with His cum . That always seems to make both of our orgasms even more intense and mind blowing . Sometime around 3 : 30am Master woke me up to tell me we should both go to bed . So I laid down on my side and was already drifting back off to sleep . Master had other and more fun plans . He used me . My pussy was sore by that point and I was moaning half awake as He fucked me . After He came again He pulled me close and we both fell asleep . No comments : This is my mandatory cell phone post . Okay , so it 's not mandatory but I figure I should gush about it here and now so I can get it out of the way . Plus , whenever I try to talk to Master about it He just looks at me like I 'm crazy because He thinks a cell phone should only make phone calls . He doesn 't even like the texting bit . So anyway , I got up at 7am today . I actually had to wake the dog up to take him outside . * laughs * Normally he 's the one jumping on the bed telling me to get the hell up because he has to pee . In fact if I didn 't know better I would have thought he was cranky because I woke him up . Anyway , I took the dog out and got myself ready . I left almost immediately after I was fully dressed . I left Master a message in case He was up before I got home . ( He hasn 't been sleeping for shit . . as usual . . . so I didn 't know how late He would be getting up . ) I got down to my mom 's around 8am . I made pretty good time . I went inside and hung out with her for a little while . We went to the cell phone store and sat outside of it for a good ten minutes . But since we were first in the door we were helped immediately . I didn 't even really have to look around at phones . I had looked at their selection online and since I had been able to play around with my mom 's phone I knew that was the one I wanted . So it didn 't really take that long at all . They got me one of the phones and transferred all of the information from my old cell phone onto my new one . I got the Motorola Electrify M . Both my mother and my brother had this phone and raved about it so I knew I was going to get a damn good phone . It was on sale too , so that helped my decision . I also made sure to get a shell / holster for it . I don 't really like having a phone without a holster . Especially since it 's a touch screen phone . I don 't want it getting scratched or anything . I took my mom on a couple of errands before dropping her back off at home . I then went home . Master was still asleep when I got back . Like I said , it didn 't take long at the store and neither did the errands . As a result I got to play with my new gadget . I fucking love this phone . It 's the first phone I 've ever had a data plan on and as a result the first phone I 've had that you can have apps on ! I set up some of the ones that I really wanted and got my wallpaper and ringtones all set up . I 'm glad they were able to transfer my pictures and contacts . I would have hated to lose those pictures and have to set up all those contacts again . I have plenty in there , trust me . I 've played with it a little after Master woke up but not too much . But I love it and I love the shell / holster that I bought as well . Happy Kitten . And tonight I 'm going to get laid ! Even happier Kitten . Master is feeling a lot better and so am I . It 's definitely time to fuck . We 're not used to going that long without sex . * laughs * Apparently my current cell phone is dying more and more each day . It 's a slow death for this cell phone unlike my last one that died rather suddenly . It 's a good thing I 'm going tomorrow to get a new one . I don 't really feel safe driving on the interstate without a cell phone . Especially not for extended periods of time . So I 've been a little anxious on the interstate the past few days . But in order to get my new toy tomorrow I have to get up at 7am on a Saturday morning and head on down shortly there after . I want in that store literally as soon as the doors open . I know it 's still going to take a while but it 's better than being there for four hours because the place is packed . My mother was picking on me today while I talked to her on my lunch break because she knows how excited I am . I 'm like a kid about it . This is extremely rare thing for me . I normally do not get this way about material possessions . Anyone will tell you that , especially Master . But because I don 't spend a lot of money on myself like ever , I get excited when it 's a new piece of tech in my little paws . This will honestly be the first thing in three years that I 've splurged on for myself . Normally it 's for Master or for us as a couple . I prefer that nine times out of ten . But this time , I 'm really excited and really happy for myself . I know Master is happy for me too but that doesn 't stop Him from picking on me . For instance He made fun of the fact that I 'm going to get up that early on a Saturday and how I 'm willing to do that just to get a new cell phone . * laughs * Master 's voice is coming back slowly but surely . I woke up out of a dead sleep with a bad coughing attack . I have no idea what triggered it really . And it was at 3am of all times . Master was still awake and heard me coughing so He came into the bedroom and had me sit up and leaning forward a little bit while He gently rubbed my back . When the coughing started to slow down He got me a bottle of water . Finally I was able to stop coughing but I was still catching my breath . I took the bottle of water with me to bed and put it on the headboard . I had to grab it a few more times before I was finally able to sleep . About three hours later my alarm went off . I don 't know about you but when I wake up like that only a few hours before my alarm is about to go off I feel even more tired in the morning . So I was dragging tail as I got ready for work . But I still somehow managed to get to work a half hour early , which is a good thing . The only thing that sucks about having to make up the two hours I missed on Monday is the fact that I don 't really have the work to warrant clocking in early . Regardless of that fact I still have to clock in early and try and busy myself somehow without being bored out of my mind . Finally it was time to go home . It was actually raining . Raining . In January . And it 's supposed to be in the 50 's tomorrow . Almost all the snow is gone off the ground already , much to the disappointment of our dog . He doesn 't look like he 'd even remotely enjoy the snow but he absolutely loves it . He 'll run around and eat the snow and dig in it . I dare say winter is his favorite time of year . Crazy dog . Now I just have to get through tomorrow . Hopefully it 'll be quicker than today . Then on Saturday I have to get up almost at the same time as I get up during the normal work week so I can get down to the cell phone store by my mother 's place . We want to be waiting outside the door when they open as it is bound to be busy on a Saturday . But I 'll have a new gadget in my paws so I won 't care that I had to get up so early . * laughs * Well , that and I know if I need to Master will allow me to take a nap later on in the day . I 'll be glad when we 're both 100 % better . I really , really will be . Why ? Well , first off I prefer it when we 're both in good health , obviously . * laughs * But I also wouldn 't mind getting laid . But the coughing isn 't quite letting go enough to where we don 't think we would have a coughing fit in the middle of it . So not sexy . Master has had me going to bed more or less on time lately . He normally allows me to swing about a half hour past or even a hour past sometimes . But since I 've been sick it 's my normal bedtime . It 's not a bad thing really . I mean , I like staying up because then when I go to bed I don 't toss and turn as much , but I am feeling better and I 've had to get up earlier these past few days so going to bed closer to the normal time is helping there as well . There isn 't really anything blog worthy going on as of late , as I 'm sure you can tell from my posts the past week . But when we 're sick there isn 't a lot going on . We both try and rest up as much as possible which basically means laying on the couch / sitting in the recliner and watching TV and eventually go to sleep . Well , I 'm pretty much over that head cold . However , yesterday I ended up coming home two hours early because I was sick a few times the night before and during the work day . As a result I pretty much came home and lazed on the couch until I had to go to bed . Master made me go to bed on time , which is probably the smartest thing I could have done . I feel a lot better today . Master is pretty much over the head cold too . The only thing that is really hanging onto Him is the cough and the fact that His pretty much lost His voice . It 's really odd having Master not being able to talk much above a whisper . He normally has a very deep voice so yeah , it 's a little odd . Poor Master . And this Saturday I am going to go get a new cell phone . My old one is a little over two years old , not that that 's a big deal or anything . But it 's started acting up for a couple of months now and it didn 't help that this past Sunday I was driving down to my dad 's and I had a styrofoam cup of coffee from the gas station . Well , while I 'm driving down there some asshole decided to slam on the fucking brakes for no apparent reason while everyone is doing 60mph . I had to slam on my brakes as a result and apparently I squeezed the cup just enough for the lid to come off and send half the damn coffee right into my lap . As a result some of it got on my cell phone . Yeah . That did not help matters . It still works but when I 'm talking it sounds like it 's underwater . I already know which phones I 'm going to choose between . I want to play with them a little first before I make my decision . Why do I have to wait until Saturday ? Well , I 'm on my mother 's family plan and she 's the main line so she has to be present for various reasons . Master is always yelling at me for not spending money on myself and I love my gadgets so I 've decided I 'm going to get a nicer phone this time . It 's going to be my early birthday present to myself . After all I 'll be 30 in less than two months and that 's a milestone of sorts . Why not splurge ? He is making fun of me for wanting a gadget like phone . He thinks phones are only for talking . Not texting or surfing the internet or any of that jazz . Just a phone . No bells or whistles . So He picks on me about the fact that I like gadget phones with as many bells and whistles as possible ! It 's my one and only splurge like thing I do for myself . I 'm excited about it because I can come home and play around with it and all that stuff . It 's so stupid that I get excited about a new cell phone but I am ! So I went down to my dad 's by myself . I 'm not that great at taking pictures so I was a little worried about how the pictures of the items would turn out . But my dad ended up taking the pictures so that I could write everything down and he could just look at the pictures as he took them . It just seemed easier . He wasn 't mad or anything along those lines . In fact he kind of seemed to have fun taking the pictures oddly enough . Although it 's still a little weird to see my dad put glasses on whenever he has to read something . Once that was done we chilled in his living room and talked about random stuff . His next door neighbor came over and shot the shit for a while as well . I didn 't really want to leave when I did but it was getting dark out and I had a 45 minute drive home . On top of that I have to work tomorrow and had another errand to run before I could go home and relax . I apologized to my father for not staying longer and he said that he understood . Part of the reason I didn 't want to leave is because my uncle had literally just walked in the door as I was getting ready to leave and I haven 't seen him in a long time and probably won 't see him again for quite some time . Also , my brother was apparently going to be there in a half hour . Side note : I know this blog hasn 't been about kink or sex in a while now but with my being sick , Master getting sick and neither of us being 100 % over it yet there hasn 't been anything going on but hanging out and sleeping . Hopefully soon Master will be a lot better . I just have this cough left although that is starting to subside more and more . No comments : Today I got up earlier than I usually would on a weekend but I had also slept a lot yesterday . I think that is also part of the reason why I 'm feeling quite a bit better today . The more my body rests when I 'm sick the faster I get over illness . But I also had things to do today . I went down to see my mom . I hadn 't planned on heading down there until probably noon or so but I was up early and so I got there at 10am . This also gave me more time to spend time with her and to run some errands with her . Her car is down and won 't be fixed for a little while so she is relying on my brother 's car . It 's not always easy to borrow his car either so I figured while I was down there I would run a few errands with her . We went to a couple of stores and did some grocery shopping . She was grateful and I told her it was no problem . If I lived closer I would run more errands for her / with her but there is a 45 minute drive between us . I normally try to go down to see her about twice a month , sometimes three times a month and so when I 'm down there I 'll just run her around town a bit . I called my dad and found out he has a new cell phone number . He had been using a prepaid cell phone which is the one I called . He is keeping that one active since he has minutes on it but now he is on an actual cell phone plan and got a better phone . He 's not too good about telling people he has a new phone number . * laughs * So after I got off the phone with him I sent a text to my brother so he has it too . We may or may not be going down to see my dad tomorrow . My dad wants to put up more items on eBay so he wants us to help him with that but he isn 't sure if tomorrow will be good or not as some of his plans with other people may or may not have changed . So he 'll call me in the early afternoon tomorrow to let me know one way or another . No comments : Work flew by today . It was only a four hour work day anyway , but honestly sometimes those seem to take forever to go by . After I got out of work I dropped off the guy in my carpool and then dropped off the rent check . I was a little surprised when I got home and Master was awake . He 's still fighting off this damn head cold and He hasn 't been sleeping well so I figured that He 'd still be asleep . But I was mistaken . we relaxed and talked for a little while but I did end up taking about a two and a half hour nap on the couch . I 'm feeling better . I just have this cough going on but nothing is coming from it . I think it 's just due to the fact that my throat is raw and scratchy from the past week of being sick and as a result it 's causing a tickle in the back of my throat , which is in turn causing more coughing . Going to work earlier in the week was really difficult to do . And I think that 's part of the reason why I crashed this afternoon . I 've been tired at work all week but then when I get home I have a hard time falling asleep since I 've been spending the majority of the day trying to get my body jump started . I actually woke up only about a half hour before our usual dinner time . We aren 't doing any grocery shopping until tomorrow so we decided to just get drive through for tonight . I got all bundled up and made a few stops in addition to getting food . While I was out I bought Master some more cold medicine . Hopefully He 'll be able to fully kick this thing soon . Tomorrow I 'm going down to visit my mom . Like I said all I really have left is this cough and I think that 's more due to my throat being raw than anything . I had been planning on going down there this past Tuesday but put it off until tomorrow as I don 't want to get anyone down there sick . It 's bad enough that Master caught it from me . I think I 'm finally starting to get over this cold . Mainly it 's just the coughing that is left over and it 's not nearly as bad as it was . My whole upper back hurts from all of the coughing though . You don 't really realize how violent coughing can be until after a few days of damn near doing nothing but coughing and then realize how bad your back hurts . Master says He is starting to feel a bit better as well . He 's not to where I am but then again I 've had it a few days longer than He has so it 's really not all that surprising . When I first caught this cold I could barely breathe out of my nose and I would go into coughing fits . So not sexy . Like at all . And when I get sick my body decides it 's time to go into sleep mode and so I crash a lot . Then Master got sick and He was pretty much where I was a few days prior . And I 'm sure most of you are the same way , when one or both of you are sick even if you want to fuck it doesn 't seem all that appealing . No one wants to be in the middle of fucking and realize you 're about to hack all over your partner . Well , unless you 're into that kind of thing anyway . We are not , obviously . I think I 'm towards the end of this damn head cold or whatever the hell it is . It 's just the cough that seems to be hanging on for dear life . Last night was rough though . I went to bed around 11 : 30pm and I couldn 't get comfortable . It seemed like no matter what I did I just couldn 't lay still comfortably . Either it caused me to cough or it made my neck hurt or my lower back hurt or whatever . The worst part of coughing attacks , for me , is that my entire body hurts afterward . And when you 're coughing on and off for several days the ache is just always there . I think I finally fell asleep around 12 : 30am . But sleep did not last long . Master is sick too and is in the beginning stages . So if one of us isn 't coughing the other is . I don 't think either of us slept well . Around 4 : 30am I got out of bed for the last time . I figured that maybe if I went to sleep on the couch I could prop my head up on the two couch pillows and that would help with my coughing . I grabbed my alarm clock and my cell phone and headed off to the living room . I grabbed my throw blanket and curled up on the couch . Our pup hopped up onto the other end of the couch and helped keep me warm . I got about another hour and a half of sleep before my alarm went off . When I got home from work Master and I still hadn 't decided what we were going to do for dinner . Nothing in the apartment sounded good and neither of us felt like dealing with a grocery store . So I went and grabbed us dinner . About a half hour after we were done eating I realized that I had stupidly forgotten to buy toilet paper and we were completely out . Son of a bitch . So since I had to run to the store anyway I decided that instead of just buying toilet paper I might as well buy some cough drops and kleenex while I was at it . Master just got done soaking in the tub , which trust me is not easy for Him given the fact that He 's so tall . Last night was rather uneventful . I was still feeling unwell and Master was beginning to feel worse . So we just kind of killed time by watching TV . I think I finally went to bed around 2 : 30am after rubbing vaporub on my neck so I could sleep . Master was coughing more and more as the night went on and so He stayed up as He knew He wouldn 't be able to fall asleep . Apparently whatever I have , which I believe is a head cold , I managed to pass on to Master . I feel bad about it . My immune system is pretty strong so thankfully I do not get sick frequently . When I do get sick I get knocked on my tail and end up crashing a lot to recover from it . Master has a blood disorder that weakens His immune system so I 'm always worried about getting Him sick . This time I managed to do so . I had gotten up at 8am this morning when the dog woke me up to take him outside . I stayed up for about two hours before deciding to go back to bed . After all , I have the day off of work so I might as well rest up and try to get over this cold as quickly as possible . I was asleep for maybe an hour when Master went into a bad coughing fit and accidentally knocked into me . He apologized , got up to get something to drink and came back to bed . We both always feel better when the other is sleeping next to us so we crashed pretty hard after that . We didn 't wake up again until 1pm . At that point we finally got out of bed and I ran to get us some coffee . We have watched TV literally all day . He relaxed in His recliner and I was sprawled out on the couch . We 've been taking cold meds and ordered pizza to be delivered for dinner . It has strictly been a day of rest . Tomorrow it 's back to work with me . But I 'll only have to work for two a half days before the weekend begins for me . We 're supposed to go visit some family this weekend so hopefully we 'll be a lot better by then . I feel better than I have the past few days . It 's mostly coughing and just feeling run down now for me . Master is coughing a lot and is tired . Hopefully we 'll both be able to get some sleep tonight . |
The students at Nansana were so incredibly grateful to receive their blue T - shirts , and it was really cool to see all of them wandering around the compound in the exact shirts we wear back home . This is true of the tie - dye cross shirts as well , but I must be too familiar with that sight . This one struck me in a different way . Segawa told us it would be a good idea to spend the night at Namayumba so we packed our backpacks and headed over . When we arrived everyone was preparing for the big day , cleaning the compound and making decorations with flowers and balloons . Segawa wanted the event to be held in the main hall , a large unfinished room that will be used for national exams and big events like graduations and meetings . We built a stage in out of bricks , dirt , and a tarp . We made a long line from the window of the main hall to the pile of bricks behind the classrooms , about 50 yards away , and threw 400 bricks to each other one at a time . It was so fun ! It was like a game except if you dropped the brick , it would smash on your feet and hurt . After we had stacked the bricks and constructed a short stage , we carried dirt in sacks and a wheelbarrow to pile on top to create a smooth surface for the students to act and dance on . That night the Namayumba choir sang for us and the drama club practiced . Robinah , Zainah , and Nashim helped us get water to wash our hair ( a ridiculous spectacle ) and then put us to bed . I don 't know how the students stayed awake the next day : they were up singing and dancing half the night ! The next morning , Thanksgiving Day , we rose with the students at 6 : 30 for prayers , which is a half hour of singing , reading Bible verses and praying . It 's the best way to start a day . Elijah split us all up into different groups to clean EVERYTHING . Emma and I helped clean the lawn , picking up leaves and twigs and garbage . Oh , I forgot to say that all day Wednesday and in the evening I had been using Segawa 's phone to call the hospital to speak to Kim . The diagnoses varied throughout the day , everything from brain swelling and imminent death to aftereffects of malaria and she 'll be fine tomorrow . We found out around 8 pm that she would be released early in the morning and that they would , God willing , both make it to Namayumba on Thursday . Moses picked them up around 9 and they arrived at 11 . It was supposed to start at 10 but eh , it 's Uganda . Thanksgiving Day was AMAZING . Students from Nansana and Namayumba performed dances and sang songs . Students from Royal Junior Academy , led by a man named Joseph , also performed . I 'll talk about that school a little more later : we visited them earlier this week . We all laughed during the drama club 's performance , particularly at Sarah Namuli and Dan Musisi , who played a very funny duo as mother and son . The story of the drama followed Lindah Naluwembe , the girl I sponsor ( my daughter ) , and her trials as a poor girl trying to avoid marriage to an old man and pay for her school fees . The story ended with her attending Segawa 's school and getting sponsored by the Christian Drama School . Segawa made a wonderful speech about the progress of the school . He brought out on stage all the students who were sponsored in chronological order . It was really cool to see 40 students on stage , sponsored by the Christian Drama School . I think all four of us felt moved by the visual representation of the work CDS has done . It 's one thing to see the building or the water tank CDS raised money to build , and quite another to look at the students . I know it was really rewarding for Kim , after everything she 's been through these past few months . All of us muzungus made speeches and the reverend from Mama Eva 's church prayed over all the Namayumba students . When the parents and guardians left , the DJ played music and we danced with the kids until we were sweating through Mama Eva 's gomes ( the traditional dress of Bugandan women ) . Darkness fell and dust swirled up through us until we were choking on it but we couldn 't stop dancing : we were having too much fun ! Even Melon , who could barely walk the day before , was dancing like crazy . It was the perfect ending to a perfect day . We spent Friday in Nansana and travelled to Kampala with Job to buy gifts and paintings from the craft fair ( we are planning to sell them for Heart for People ) . Melon haggled with the sellers like she had been doing it all her life : it was so entertaining to watch . We went back to talk to the artists together . I picked out a painting , turned to her with an eyebrow raised , and she would start arguing to lower the price . I really missed her when we went back and I had to try haggling on my own ! That night we acted out a boisterous rendition of Peter Pan . A Little Princess was a fairly calm , uplifting performance . Peter Pan was simply insane . We had a lot of girls so Wendy 's brothers , John and Michael , became Joan and Michaela , played by Jemimah and Vivian . Tendo , our resident actress , played Wendy . David ( the little brother of Daniel and Florence ) was Peter Pan , though he was much more interested in fighting Captain Hook ( Kim ) with flashlights than listening to the narrator ( me ) . Efa , our Irish volunteer , was an amazing Tinkerbell and Carly and Emma were pirates and Indians . It turns out all of us are completely insane . Emma , Carly , and Kim entertained us all with their singing and dancing to Pirates of Pinzance , Pirates Who Don 't Do Anything ( Veggie Tales ) and Pirates of the Caribbean . My favorite part was when everything was clapping and screaming " I DO BELIEVE IN FAIRIES ! I DO ! I DO ! " and the joy in the children 's faces when Efa jumped up alive ! On Saturday we worshipped at Namayumba . Melon slept most of the day in the office : it was worrisome how weak she was . But it was wonderful and so uplifting to sing with all the students . All the older ones and most of the younger ones have the music memorized . They will just raise their hands to whomever is leading worship , say the number of the song , and the leader will sing the first line so they are all on pitch , and then they 'll start . We took a picture of each student holding a piece of paper with their name on it and videotaped them saying their name and something about themselves : they all ended up just saying their names and variations on " God bless Christian Drama School . " After worship we all gathered on the lawn and Kim presented gifts to everyone : Bibles , letters from sponsors , DVDs of recent CDS plays , CDs of the soundtracks , scripts , teaching posters , crosses , and 30 digital clocks for practicals and exams . She read Dr . Seuss stories like Yertle the Turtle ( which they loved ) and the Grinch ( which was a little more difficult ) . I also gave each student a friendship bracelet ( made with a little help from Emma and Melon ) . On Wednesday we went to Lillian 's school for a small thanksgiving . It was scheduled to be two Sundays earlier , but we had been in the hospital with Melon and unable to attend . Segawa tried to call Lillian to warn her that day , but her phone had been stolen so she didn 't get the message . All the parents and guardians and directors of the school waited for 3 hours for us before she called Segawa . The phone connection was cut off right after he told her we were in a hospital in Kampala on Buganda Road . She canceled the event and took a boda boda straight to Buganda Road with one kind teacher , a university student volunteering to teach free of charge named Daniel . The two of them went to each hospital on the road until they reached Case Hospital , the third one they visited . Seeing her walk through the door was like the entrance of an angel . Kim burst into tears immediately , Melon made it to the bathroom before breaking down , and I managed to last until they 'd left . Emma had cried earlier that day so she didn 't crack but it was really emotional for all of us . While it was really upsetting that Emma and Melon couldn 't be there Wednesday , Kim and I were so grateful to have finally made it to her school and students . Each class ( nursery through P5 ) performed dances and songs welcoming and thanking us . The best part was clothing them . At Nansana and Namayumba we just handed shirts to each child , but at Lillian 's school in Namavundu they lined up outside and each walked across the main hall room and stood patiently waiting for us to place the shirt over their heads and their arms through the sleeves . They were so shy and sweet and so excited ! They were very controlled as they walked back out through the door after receiving their shirt but once they got outside they jumped up and down and danced and clapped . As soon as we peeked outside they got shy again but it was so … it 's hard to explain . Seeing their joy both filled my heart and broke it . It was amazing to see how happy they were over a shirt , and so hard to realize that the reason they were so happy is because they are so poor . We also handed out cross necklaces . There was a HUGE difference between the students at Kiboga and the students at Namavundu . When the teachers handed out pencils at Kiboga , they were swarmed by the students , particularly the young ones who had not yet been taught manners . It was borderline violent . Several kids were in tears because they had been pushed over in the fight for a single , plain yellow pencil . At Lillian 's school every student waited patiently and calmly as we carefully untied each necklace and put it around the child 's neck . I had to set the bag down because the necklaces were tied very tightly to prevent tangling . One of them fell out and lay on the ground , and one little boy , who couldn 't be more than 5 or 6 years old , bent down and placed it carefully back in the bag . He held his hands at his side and waited patiently for me . I was so shocked . We spoke tonight to Lillian about how incredibly well behaved her students were , and she said that discipline is the first thing she teaches her students . Discipline and handwriting are her two most emphasized priorities . We spoke to one of her directors , a man named Moses who drove us there and back . He has his own micro - finance institution . In other words , he makes small loans to business owners like Lillian and Mama Eva . But unlike banks he has low interest rates and he really cares about each of his clients . He makes loans out of generosity , not self - interest , like Mohammad Yunus , winner of the Noble Peace Prize from Bangladesh . We 've spent the past two days at Nansana . We were supposed to go to Namayumba today but , you know , it 's Uganda . Yesterday Adorable and Barnabas came for a five hour meeting . We went over every email sent and received between me and Adorable from March 20th through May 10th and marked what was from him and what was not . We explained to both of them exactly what happened with the thief and the debt . Barnabas is the man who originally introduced us to Adorable last summer . He was upset that we had not communicated with him earlier , because he would have been able to tell us that something was wrong before we lost all the money from the scam . It was a very stressful meeting . One of Segawa 's nieces , a three - year old named Miriam , pinched her hand and suddenly started crying outside so I just walked out of the meeting and picked her up because I couldn 't take it anymore . It 's the little things , like the feeling of a tiny child in my arms , that reminds me why I am doing all of this . It 's all and always for God and the children . Today we had to say goodbye to Efa and Carly , which was really sad . I will miss them so much ! There is a chance we will see them again on Sunday and I really hope we do . We handed out the leftover tie - dye cross shirts to the boarders at Nansana . That was really rewarding , though it was also frustrating because children I know live with their parents kept trying to get shirts . I kept explaining that we didn 't have enough for them all . I spent a lot of time with the very young children today . There was one point where I had a baby on each hip ( Helena and Sam ) , Praise trying to climb up my leg , and Isaac jumping on my back . There were 8 - 10 little tiny kids from Baby Class clambering all over Segawa 's truck and whenever one wanted to get down , I had to put down a baby and carry him or her . Flora grabbed my glasses so I had to climb in the truck to get them back . At that moment baby Sam , who can barely walk , decided to climb off the edge of the truck . I had Helena on my hip , Flora by the arm , and reached over two kids to grab Sam 's overalls with one hand as he jumped ! He was swinging through the air , three feet off the ground ! It was such insanity . I finally got them all off the truck and they immediately climbed up on the parked boda boda . It 's a never ending battle to keep them all safe ! For me , the best part of Uganda is building relationships with everyone . On our first day , Sam ran away from us screaming bloody murder ( most babies are afraid of muzungus ) . Helena has always loved us , but it took a while to gain Sam 's trust . Today he let me hold him and play with him until eventually he fell asleep in my arms for over an hour while Kim read Charlotte 's Web to Dennis and Trevor . Gaining the love of a child is the most rewarding feeling . Most of the missionaries this summer wrote a last blog summarizing how they felt about the experience . I have held off on posting this because I am struggling to find words to finish off this trip . I suppose it 's never really finished . It doesn 't feel like I 'm home yet , because every morning I expect to wake up to the cow mooing and sounds of Lugandan outside my window . I miss the feeling of a small child 's hand in mine and the singing of the Namayumba girls . There are many hard parts about Uganda , particularly about this trip , but saying goodbye is definitely the hardest . Someone once taught me a song about the moon . The last verse goes like this : I had a heart as good as new , now it 's gone from me to you , so take care of it as I have done , for you have two and I have none . The children of Nansana and Namayumba are taking care of my heart for me until I can get back to Uganda next summer , but there is no empty feeling in my chest where my heart used to be . It 's completely full of love and laughter , joy and hope . I 'm so grateful to God that I was able to come to Uganda this summer , and so thankful to everyone who shared in the journey whether they were praying or reading this blog . I 'm looking forward to sharing more with everyone , and to returning to my friends and my heart back in Uganda . I began writing this entry as a Word document on Tuesday night before adding it to the blog . I did not finish because we got the modem , and I was able to check my email . I learned from my brother that our mother had died on Sunday about 11 p . m . American time . This would have been 6 a . m . on Monday morning in Uganda which means that my mother went to heaven while Emma and Melanie were in the air flying home . It was strange to learn that my mother crossed the Jordan almost two days before I knew . I did not cry big tears , just the small ones that run down your cheeks like raindrops . Everyone else was asleep . It was just Sarah and I quietly sitting on Segawa 's overused sofa in the dim light of one Ugandan light bulb . ( It is strange to be in Segawa 's house with electricity and light bulbs that actually work . ) Sarah reminded me that if I had tried to fly home , I would not have made it in time to see my mother . I had an awkward moment yesterday when I was giving a Ugandan friend some " good ol ' Clara Anne advice " from my mother . I found myself talking as if my mom was still alive , and Sarah gave me her sad eyes . All of you have experienced my mother through me . One of the things she always told me was this : " You know how good the show has been by the quality of the curtain call . " She meant that we need to be excellent unto the very end . Below you will find what has been happening to us since Mel and Emma left . We have accomplished a great many things in the past few days . I am afraid the explanation of Melanie 's hospital experience will have to wait for the October presentation . I forgot to tell you about the wonderful day we had while Emma and Melanie were still here . It was THANKS GIVING DAY at NAMAUMBA . It was held last Thursday , July 5 . But I will let Sarah tell you . On Sunday , Sarah and I sent Melanie and Emma home to America with much love and many tears . Yesterday , Sarah and I went to Namayumba to visit the students and to sign 50 Bibles writing , " To Extreme High School , from Christian Drama School of New Jersey , We love you ! July 2012 . " Now Extreme High School has over 100 Bibles which means that each student has a Bible for worship . Later , we went to Kampala with Segawa and Job to purchase more paintings to sell in America . Sarah came to Uganda with the idea to purchase authentic paintings from Uganda in order to sell the paintings in America as a fund raiser . Last week we purchased many small paintings , but this time Sarah and I negotiated for bigger paintings . It was difficult to bargain without Melanie who really knows how to haggle for the best price . The most exciting experience of the day was running through Kampala in a hail storm . Ugandans have hail during the dry season about once every two years . It was CRAZY ! A hail stone hit Sarah 's wrist and bruised it while chasing down a taxi van . Ugandans driving in a hail storm is much more frightening than any Six Flags ride I can imagine and worse than driving in North Carolina during the rare snow storm . I found myself praying for God to save us . In fact , there are few things more terrifying than riding in a Ugandan vehicle at night … with ice on the road . But today was even more … well … how shall I say , " only in Uganda . " The unforgettable situation could only happen in a place like this . Sarah and I first went with Segawa and Job to visit a school for Heart for People operated by two brothers , Charles and Joseph . We then proceeded to Kiboga . Both the school we visited first and the school in Kiboga have been fathered by Segawa . Kiboga is in a remote location where extremely poor families live . Cindy went to Kiboga in 2008 ( you might recall Cindy 's photos of barefoot children wearing torn blue smocks ) . Many of these children are from refugee families that fled Rwanda during the genocide . The land in Kiboga was given to these refugees by the government of Uganda . Sarah purchased supplies with Melanie and Emma before I arrived in Uganda . Today Sarah and I represented Heart for People as we delivered salt , sugar , safety pins , pencils and notebooks to the Kiboga students and their families . We had 300 pencils and 300 notebooks which were handed out by the teachers who were nearly attacked by the excited children . I have never seen anything like the joy expressed when each child received his or her new pencil . The students were absolutely delighted and beaming and waving each pencil like a palm branch up to God . It was heartbreaking and breathtaking at the same time . The most that students pay to go to school in Kiboga is 15 , 000 shillings ( less than seven dollars per term ) , but most families cannot afford to pay . I was shocked by how much the pencil REALLY is a cherished item ! REALLY ! I happened to photograph the butchering of the chicken that we ended up eating for lunch . So that was a bit unnerving . But the rest of the visit was truly wonderful . They sang for us . We taught each other songs and discussed things with the teachers . I taught " Twinkle , Twinkle Little Star " and " John 3 : 16 . " Both schools expressed to Sarah their hopes and dreams and needs . They also thanked Christian Drama School , even though we have not done anything for them . As we were visiting a family to give them supplies , a violent storm suddenly swept through the banana trees and lighting exploded overhead . I mean EXPLODED ! We ran to Segawa 's four - wheel - drive Toyota land - rover . Job , who was sitting in the back seat with Sarah and I , tried to block his broken window with a plastic bag . I helped him tape the bag to the window with giant Bandaids from my first aid kit . We knew we had to escape Kiboga before the rain flooded the pot - holed roads . We reached the top of a hill and fear gripped all of us . The road was a river of mud . Sarah , Job , and I were laughing in fear while Joseph and Segawa just stared silently at the road ahead . Segawa started slowly down . The rover slid like it was on ice . Carefully , we came down . I told Segawa he would need a running start to get up the other side . He nodded , deep in concentration . We started up the giant hill and got about half way up . That was as far as we could go . Segawa announced that we all needed to get out and push . So … Job , Sarah , Joseph , and I jumped out into the pouring jungle rain . Our pushing was useless . We tried putting sticks and branches under the tires . We pulled at everything we could grab from the jungle to push it under the tires . We tried the Ugandan method of jumping up and down in the back of the flatbed to bounce the vehicle out of the hole . Rain water was flying off our bodies as we struggled and jumped . The rain was pounding down from heaven at the same time it was jumping up from the mud . We tried everything . The wheels spun and the vehicle turned sideways . Job announced , " We are stuck in the jungle . This is not good . " So then Job and Joseph walked up the hill and disappeared . Segawa walked the other way and also disappeared . Sarah and I looked at each other . I said , " Now WE are stuck in the jungle . And the cannibals live right down the road . " We had to laugh because we were completely soaked through and covered with mud from head to toe . If we thought seriously about our situation , we would have cried . It had already been explained to us that if you get caught in the mud on the jungle road in Kiboga , you need to find shelter and stay for three days until the road dries out . Suddenly , Job appeared at the top of one hill with about ten young men from the nearby village . Segawa magically appeared , and twenty children from the Kiboga school came slipping and screaming down the other hill toward us . One of the men had a hoe . He started digging away at the embankment on the side of the road . I failed to explain that the muddy dirt road had a three to five foot embankment on both sides . Ten men pushed and pulled . One needed to have his photo taken with Sarah . I gave him a hard time . Everyone laughed because they figured I was her mother , and I did not approve of him . It was all in good humor . I gave some suggestions based on my experiences in the snow . But no man would listen to me , except Segawa who took my suggestion to put branches under both sides of the tires and roll the vehicle back . A small crowd of women and babies gathered at the top of the slope we were trying to climb . We were quite the spectacle . But at least we were no longer alone . The rain subsided momentarily , and the men rushed to throw dirt under the wheels and into the holes . The children who had been holding our hands were having a wonderful time . The rain broke forth again ! The men yelled for 15 to 20 of the children to jump into the flatbed . Segawa rolled the vehicle back . The young men pushed . The children jumped up and down . Sarah and I ran in the mud up the hill . The rover slid back . We prayed with the women at the top . The rover moved up , stopped . We prayed again . It came further . Near the top , I said to Sarah , " We don 't have enough faith ! " We prayed out loud . The vehicle reached the crest and went over the top . The children in the back of the truck threw their hands up and screamed with joy . Everyone was cheering . It was like the Americans winning the Olympic hockey game back when we beat the Russians . Segawa drove past Sarah and I so we had to run the length of two football fields in pouring rain with thirty children and the ten men who had been pushing … and the one who wanted his photo with Sarah ran beside me asking if Sarah could stay with him . Ugh ! We arrived in the village and danced in the pouring rain with everyone who had been cheering . I 've never been covered in so much mud ! The event united us with the childrenI love you so much , " Bless the Lord , oh my soul , oh my soul . Worship His holy name . Sing like never before , oh my soul ! Worship His holy name . The sun comes up , it 's a new day dawning . It 's time to sing Your song again . Whatever may pass , and whatever lies before me , let me be singing when the evening comes . So bless the Lord , oh my soul , oh my soul . Worship His holy name . Sing like never before , oh my soul ! Worship His holy name . " Leaving Uganda was probably one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do , but being there completely changed me forever . The people were amazing and the country was beautiful . I was blown away not just by the love there , but the beauty of the people , which is the outpour of their love for God . As we spent more time in Uganda , my love for them grew more than I could 've ever expected , but with this love came pain for the conditions in which so many lived . We witnessed first hand the poverty , the hunger , the unfairness of the health system , and the pain of many . Since 2008 ( when Cindy first came back from Uganda ) , I have written many papers and done many presentations about Uganda for school in the hopes of creating a spark for people to care about Uganda . One statistic that I have heard and wrote over and over again is that over 50 % of the Ugandan population is under the age of 15 . It 's a statistic echoed constantly for those of us involved with the mission . During our first full day in Uganda , Job and Moses drove me ( by myself ! ) to Kampala to retrieve my lost luggage . On the way there , I noticed so many children roaming the streets or walking to school by themselves . As I was listening to Job and Moses talk about their favorite music ( which included Country Gospel … . ) , I wondered where these children 's parents were or how come they were walking to school by themselves or playing in the dirt and eating it . The statistic than spoke in my head : " Over half of the population is under the age of 15 . " As the wind from driving was blowing the beautiful , Ugandan dirt into my face , I began to secretly cry in the back seat of the car as this statistic was unfolding in front of my eyes . It continued throughout the weeks that followed , whether we were in Nansana , Namayumba , Kampala , or in the hospital . Within the first week , Sarah , Melon ( as many Ugandans called her ) and myself taught English at Nansana . I taught P3 English mostly but there was one day I taught P5 and another day in which the three of us taught the baby class … . which was BEYOND chaotic . As a funny little story , Teacher Jennifer had to get some other preparations done for the Thanksgiving Day , so she asked the three of us to teach baby class . As we entered the room to teach , over 20 little children EXTREMELY excited to see mzungus greeted us . As the class went on further , we became overwhelmed because the children were going CRAZY ! They were flipping people off benches and climbing up the bars on the windows and jumping up and down . We tried singing with them , which helped at some points , but they were just too excited . At one point , we found Sarah screaming " Are we in the market ? ! ! " expecting the children to respond with " NO ! ! ! " … . which never occurred haha . At some point or another , Mel and I also chimed in with different things that the teachers there say with our Ugandan accents , but it never worked . When Teacher Jennifer returned , she gave us a look and just started laughing . It was just like a scene out of Daddy Day Care or from a nightmare of a teacher the night before her first day of class . Anyways , while teaching P3 , I noticed one girl , named Deborah , who was sitting on the bench crying while everyone else was singing " John 3 : 16 . " I went up to one of the other classmates and asked what was wrong . They explained that she was hungry and was in pain from a wound caused by acid being spilt on her legs when Deborah was a baby . This was not the first time a child in my class was crying because they were hungry . The same happened in my P5 class and when we were desperately trying to teach baby class . To see the pain in their eyes was just terrible . We later learned more about Deborah 's home life . One day when we were home from the hospital ( before Melanie went back again ) , Deborah and her sister approached Sarah and I , asking if they could show us their home . We said yes and Sarah went to the room to get two power bars to bring to their grandmother as appreciation for inviting us into her house . We walked about a mile up and down a long dirt road to a hill that was just across from Segawa 's , which was outlined with poverty . When we approached Deborah 's " house , " we encountered the worst I had seen . The house was maybe 6ft by 6ft and was attached to an outdoor kitchen . We came across babies with snot all over their faces and flies flying around them while they were sitting in the dirt . We then met the grandmother , who was morbidly obese while her grandchildren were starving . It turns out that she doesn 't really feed her own grandchildren . Part of the reason is because her job is to feed the children in surrounding houses ( which is why there were babies laying on the ground ) … when I say " feeding " I mean she breast feeds children for a living . When Sarah presented to her the power bars , the grandmother was grateful but gave the tiniest pieces to the children and ate the rest herself . To smell what we smelt and witness what we did broke both Sarah 's heart and mine . Many things in Uganda were overwhelming and I didn 't realize until I returned home how much it had an effect on me . While in Uganda , I realized how much need there is , for children who had become even more apart of my heart . They were suffering and I couldn 't figure out what to do to help . As the children became closer in my heart , my heart broke more for them because of their suffering . For any of you who has a loved one suffering , you know what I am talking about to be in despair for their suffering . You would not know they were suffering though unless you got to know them better because of the joy that many of them have . I remember one of the first nights in Uganda when Sarah , Mel and I went to Namayumba , we had prayers with the students . Prayers in Uganda is completely different then it is here . Prayers include what we include in " worship " , such as singing hymns , listening to bible stories , and then spoken prayers followed by more singing . All of us were sitting on the grass in front of the school and the electricity wasn 't working so we were in COMPLETE darkness under the stars . I have never felt so close to God in my entire life . It was like God was right there and we were singing to our Father who was right in front of us . " Music is the breath of God , and prayer is the melody that makes it sing . " This is the quote that I could think of . After this , and experiencing these prayers further through the weeks , I experienced how close the people in Uganda can be to God because they have no distractions . Now , I am not writing these stories to make you feel bad or to guilt you . These are real stories and real lives of children that we personally encountered . We should not pity the Ugandan people because of what they don 't have , but we should envy them for what they do have . One thing I will miss most about Uganda is the simplicity ; how there is nothing to distract me from the close relationship with God , such as singing to God under the stars . I have not experienced it to the extent of the Ugandan people , but when you have little and have nothing to distract you , it is fairly easy to feel how close God actually is . So when people say " God is with you and carrying you , " it is hard to experience this in America unless you are going through a troubling time . In Uganda , you literally feel God 's presence constantly because there are not material possessions to distract you . God was our comforter when Mel was sick in the hospital and when we didn 't know if she was going to make it . He was our comforter when we saw the poverty . He was there to laugh with us when we needed comedic relief in the hospital . We saw Him in the faces of the children and we heard Him in the voice of the Namayumba children singing ( especially in the voice of one girl named Susan , who has an AMAZING voice ) . God was ever present and I felt Him most when I was singing with the Extreme High School students . My soul could not help but to sing and worship His holy name . It is still singing and I pray that what I experienced will never flee but will stay with me forever . I can only pray that I can help all of you feel what I felt and how awesome God 's love is for you so that you may also ( no matter how bad you think your voice might be ) sing to our Father ; the one who connects us to those we love even though we are thousands of miles apart . I love you all with all of my heart and thank you beyond anything for your prayers . They helped more than you could ever imagine . God answered your prayers , and we were kept safe . Rev . Kim , Sarah , Melon , and I have been on an amazing journey together which all of you are apart of . I can 't wait to further share with you about the people we all love . Right now I 'm at Entebbe airport sitting next to Emma waiting for our plane . We just said goodbye to Segawa , Kim , and Sarah . It didn 't seem right . I 'm not ready to leave Uganda . I feel like my heart is breaking . I feel as if the Malaria I got robbed me of precious time with the children I love so much . I sound bitter , but I 'm not . I know God 's plan is greater than mine . I just feel like there was so much I wanted to do that I wasn 't able to . I wanted to visit Lillian 's school . I wanted to teach the students at Namyumba how to read music like I taught Segawa . I wanted to show them my ukulele . I wanted to bring soap , salt , sugar , safety pins , books , and pencils to Kiboga , but God wanted me to get Malaria . Severe Cerebral Malaria . It was awful and there were times I thought I was going to die , and I know Kim , Sarah , and Emma thought so too . Through it all , I felt God was with me . He gave me the peace that surpasses all understanding . I kept telling everyone , " It 's OK , " because I was OK with whatever happened . Life is a vapor . Even though Malaria took up most of my trip , the few days before I got sick were filled with playing soccer , doing laundry , singing , dancing , cuddling , and teaching . Every day was so fulfilling . Each day felt like weeks - but in the best way . I was amazed at the bonds that were so strong and created so fast . I know it is because of the love of God we share and the deep love we have for each other . One of the most wonderful experiences was teaching at Nansana . I taught P1 , P2 , and P4 . I taught P4 adjectives and long division . I taught P1 and P2 most of the time . I taught them vowels , nouns , verbs , adjectives , and articles . They are so smart and so anxious to learn . Their ambition is inspiring . They watch me with respect and work so diligently . On my second day of teaching , I had been teaching for a couple of hours and thought we could all use a break . I took them outside and we played for a few minutes . Then I asked them , " shall we play one more game or go back inside ? " They all enthusiastically said that they wanted to go back inside to learn . Their eagerness to learn puts American students to shame . That same day after I taught some more , a girl named Jemimah came to me and told me her head and stomach were hurting . A teacher nearby told her to go home . Instead , I took her to Segawa 's house and gave her food , water , and medicine . She was appreciative but quiet at first . Finally she said , " You are my mother . " I told her " Yes , " and she explained that she didn 't want to go home because her grandmother would tell her to go to sleep because she has no money . Jemimah told me that her mother and father were dead . I held her until she felt better . When I got outside , a little girl came to me because her finger was cut and bleeding all over her hand . I got my first aid kit and bandaged her up . Then I saw a boy with a wound in his leg . He was trying to clean the dirt out of it with a stick . I cleaned the wound and bandaged him up as well . Before I knew it , several children were coming to me with deep infected wounds , some still bleeding . God gave me strength and calmness to take care of each one . Soon afterwards , Esther brought us lunch . I couldn 't eat knowing the children were hungry . I gave them my food and went to the room where we sleep . I cried because I felt so overwhelmed . There was so much I wanted to do for these children . So much I wanted to be . I wanted to be their teacher and their mother . I wanted to clean and bandage their wounds . I wanted to feed them . I felt helpless as I sat in the room crying asking God what He wanted me to do . I have always been a problem solver . I love fixing situations and making everyone happy , but this was one problem I could not fix . God taught me then , and continued to teach me through my Malaria , thaI have been forever changed by my experience in Uganda . I no longer care about food or things or being entertained . I care about singing and talking . I care about hugging and laughing and holding hands . I care about praising God and making Him smile . The people of Uganda taught me to care about what really matters , because that is all they have . They have an incomparable love for God and an inspiring love for each other . They know that God is good all the time , and now I do too . Before I begin to explain the details of our experience , I want to thank all of you for the many prayers that have been lifted up to God on our behalf . We have checked our prayer chart many times , and it was a great comfort to know that our Christian Drama family has been praying every hour . I burst into tears this morning when Emma showed me that Kelly Desch was praying for us . Oh , how wonderful it is to know that long time friends and students are with us in God 's spirit . I find myself wondering if Kelly Ebersole , Caty Salvatore , Ben Woodruff , and Anna Peterson have left for Haiti yet . Our prayers are with them now . Last night was the first time I was able to connect my mobile phone with my brother , Randy , regarding the status of my mother 's health . It is clear that my mother will be going to heaven soon . Randy and I wept together across an ocean . I was standing in the dark on the dirt road in front of Segawa 's house and laying face down on the hood of Segawa 's well - worn truck . The cow was mooing softly and the dance music from the local bar interfered with Randy 's voice . My brother explained all the pain my mother has endured over the past several days and that she has only said his name once in three days . I assured him that I agreed and supported all his decisions about her care . My mother is currently in hospice now and resting peacefully with help from morphine . She is not alert . I spoke with Randy and my husband about whether or not I should try to fly home before my mother dies . This is an extremely difficult decision for me to make . I love my mother very , very much . She has been everything to me . When I delayed my flight to spend time with my mother , I sent our missionaries ahead of me knowing that I needed to follow to accomplish what God has called us to do . Melanie 's illness convinced me that I came to Uganda to help her survive . Last night , my husband advised me that I needed to consider not only my own feelings , but also the feelings of others who don 't understand the mission . I returned to Segawa 's living room to the welcoming arms of the other white volunteers ( Carly from Canada and Efa from Ireland ) . All of us discussed the situation with Segawa and Esther . I cried myself to sleep . ( As I write this , David is singing , " Jesus never fails , never , never fails , Jesus never fails . I 'm so glad of that . " ) This morning , Melanie , Emma , Sarah , and I sat under our mosquito nets on our beds to discuss the situation . I am in this dilemma of mission versus mother . I asked , " What would Jesus do ? " And I thought of Jesus on the cross giving His mother to John . Carly and Efa secretly listened from the other side of the wall . Melanie was praying and received an answer that I should stay in Uganda . Emma agreed . They piled together with me in Sarah 's bed . We talked for over an hour about the importance of the mission in Uganda and the consequences of either decision . I cried . Emma had words of wisdom that I cannot recall . They all agreed that there is more to me coming to Uganda than helping Melanie . I know in my heart that I said goodbye to my mother the last time I saw her . . ( as if I would never see her again ) . I am holding on to the memory of her laughter when Mark and I acted like ducks dancing around her intensive care bed wearing hospital gowns and masks . Efa entered our room and confessed she had been listening . She gave me a big hug and said every situation is different and that she would not think of me differently based on the decision I make . She also added that she never imagined how hard it is to be a minster and an example to many people . I am trusting God that the decisions I have made were in line with God 's will . I trusted God when I delayed my flight , and now I am trusting that God wants me to stay to fulfill the mission . I did not intend to write in this blog because I was going to let the experience of Uganda be explained through the unique perspectives and words of Emma , Melanie , and Sarah . We did not foresee that we would be rendered speechless by a monster called malaria . We kept collective notes whenever we had a chance to recover from the horrible things that were happening . Melanie suffered from acute malaria parasites that were attacking her brain and making her jump and twitch involuntarily . In the next few pages , I am going to attempt to provide a chronological and detailed account of our encounter with the medical situation in Uganda . In some ways it is shocking and heart breaking . In other ways , the doctors and nurses are the most helpful and faithful care givers I have ever known . Even the people who work every day to clean the floors prayed for Melanie as they passed . I found myself thanking God for the people who came to Uganda to establish modern medicine here . There must have been many pioneers and missionaries and generous donors who worked endlessly to bring modern health care to Kampala . One nurse told me there is one doctor for every 100 , 000 people in Africa . Another nurse told me that every 10 minutes a child dies of malaria . I had no idea . I could not imagine the devastation that has been caused by mosquitoes and the hundreds of thousands of people who suffer from lack of simple health care because there just are not enough doctors . The other shock is the cost of Ugandan health care as compared to American health care which is so outrageously out of control . We are the lucky ones because we are white people . White people are loved in Uganda and treated with the highest courtesy and respect , especially Americans and Canadians . Everywhere you go , children yell out " Mzungu ! " ( which means " white person " ) and they wave or run to you . Not only did the hospitals take Melanie ahead of Ugandans who had been waiting , but they allowed me to use the computer in the doctor 's library and the telephone at our nursing station . I had to beg for help , but still , they responded with deep compassion . If we had not been treated so well , Melanie would have suffered much worse , which is hard to imagine . I suspect Ugandans love white people because white people probably brought good medicine to Uganda along with so many Christian schools . But I could be wrong . Our personal encounter with malaria nearly killed all four of us … emotional , spiritually , mentally , and physically . We took turns being " the brave one . " But Melanie was by far the bravest because she had to endure the horrendous sickness and treatment under Ugandan conditions . Her faith was remarkable and selfless . Melanie and I spent seven days and six nights living in the Triam Clinic in Nansana and the Case Medical Center in Kampala . We spent many hours visiting the Mulago Hospital for an EEG and the Kampala Hospital for a CAT scan . Sarah and Emma spent most of that time with us . It took all three of us to carry Melanie in and out of the clinic bathroom , through corridors , and onto beds . We became a well - oiled potty machine , a hospital transport team , a mother with three daughters , a Christian family on our knees praying , singing , and reciting scripture throughout the hardest moments . Melanie recited chapters in 2 Corinthians and the book of James . Emma was our steadfast " rock . " She made us laugh and kept us from losing our minds . Emma was able to lift Melanie the best as well as all of our supplies . She also took notes in critical moments when Sarah and I were tending to Melanie . Sarah was the fierce and compassionate " brains " who had the sense to deal with medical insurance and call the US embassy for help . Sarah protected Melanie 's dignity , held Melanie when I could not , and made sure we had something to eat . I was the " mom " and " nurse " who slept beside Melanie every night to hold her because her jumping body felt better when she was being held and to keep her from pulling out her IV drip . I changed her when her clothes were soiled , held her over the toilet when she could not hold herself , and showed the Ugandan nurses how to shift or roll her body using American nursing methods . I also paid all the bills through a chaotic system , consulted the doctors , defended Melanie 's desires , contacted the USA , and kept track of all the medicines and results . Through it all , Melanie had greatThe most harrowing and life threatening event was our ambulance ride from the Case Medical Center to the Kampala Hospital where Melanie underwent a brain scan which would have been easy if she had not been thrashing and jerking violently . The other complication was Melanie 's fear of needles . Even so , Melanie endured having the IV needles placed in her left wrist twice , her right wrist three times , and the inside of both elbows . She also had three blood tests , injections in her bottom , injections of dye and medicines which burned her arms , and a nurse who tried three times to start an IV when Melanie was completely swollen from both shoulders down to her fingertips . The only saving grace is that Melanie never vomited ( though the other patients suffering malaria near us did ) . I believe that Melanie , Emma , and Sarah are feeling a bit robbed , as I had felt before coming to Uganda . They feel malaria has robbed them of precious time that could have been spent with the children in Uganda . What they are unable to see at this point is how much we learned from being immersed in a critical health care situation . Melanie was able to remain calm most of the time because of her relationship with God , but we do not yet fully appreciate how valuable this experience has been . I no longer feel robbed and I know God really was holding us in the palm of His hand . My sufferings have been so much less than anything that Ugandans endure every day . The girls have suggested that I explain my comment about being held in God 's hand . It is one thing to think or believe you are held in God 's hand . It is completely different to have experienced it . It is like understanding how a person can ride a bike versus actually riding the bike . As you know from a letter I sent to you before coming to Uganda , this year has been hard for me and now my mother is dying . During my flight to Uganda , I was praying and happened to raise my shade to look out the window . It was 12 : 20 a . m . , and my altitude was 38 , 807 feet . I was amazed and awed by what I saw . I have never seen so many stars . My mouth dropped open and tears flowed from my eyes . I was so high up that the stars seemed to go underneath me . I felt completely surrounded by the heavens . I knew I was in the hand of God . I have trusted God through many years of troubles , the near death of Luke and other times . But my experience with God was forever changed during my flight to Uganda . So when Melanie became sick shortly after I landed , I was at peace . I was confident that we were held and that God would not let us fall . Hello everyone ! ! ! It is great to finally get to a computer to talk to you all . I am sorry that we have not blogged sooner . We have been unable to get on the internet for a variety of reasons . This is the blog I wrote before Melanie was sick but didn 't get a chance to post it until now . For the past four years , Cindy and the other CDS missionaries have been telling stories about the children here in Uganda . To come here and see it all is completely different , and for me to explain would not do any of it justice . Words could never express or describe how much love is here at Nansana and Namayumba . It has been difficult to see the poverty around here and to see the conditions so many people live in , but this all seems to just fade away because of the love that overflows from the children . While I have always known how much we love the children in Uganda , I never understood how much they love the Christian Drama School . On our first Saturday here , Sarah , Mel , and I went with Segawa to worship at Nansana with the boarders of the school . We all crammed into a small classroom and everyone sang joyfully to God . It was amazing to see how the children cared for each other , like one four year old carrying little baby Helena , or Elena ( literally the cutest baby ever ! ! ) . However , this was not what shocked me most . I was surprised at how much the children love us . First , Segawa has been having all the children and teachers at both schools praying for Kim 's mom and all of the children genuinely care about how she is doing : they ask us all the time , " How is Reverend Kim 's mother ? " After worship , many of the children came to us asking how people in Drama School are doing . They were mentioning them by name and I had no idea how they knew so many of us . Then , throughout the day as more children came to visit us in Segawa 's house , I noticed that every one of them had been looking through a binder . When I went up to see what they were looking at , I realized it was filled with all the letters written in 2010 ( the ones that had our pictures , our hand prints , and a letter from us ) . I was amazed ! They were quizzing each other on different names and faces . Over the past week , the children have continued to do so while we all snuggle and sing in Segawa 's living room . This was not the only example of their love for the members and helpers of the Drama School but for me to continue … I could go on forever . When we went to Namayumba on Sunday ( before Rev . Kim arrived ) , we met all of the students at Extreme High School ! It was amazing to finally see their faces . The students were hugging us and telling us how much they loved us . Throughout the day , we were teaching each other songs that we knew ( including " Give Me the Hope of a Brand New Day " and " Just Cross the Jordon " ) and teaching each other games ( including the most intense game of Duck Duck Goose I have ever played ) . This continued throughout most of the day . As things started to settle down from working , I was sitting with a bunch of Senior 1 girls under the tree outside of the school . They were asking many questions about Drama School and America . The girls kept looking at each other and I knew they wanted to ask me a serious question but I didn 't know what it would be . I finally said , " What is it you want to ask me ? " They looked at Tendo ( one of the leaders of the grade ) and she finally asked me one of the hardest questions I have had to answer : " Emma , why is it that the Christian Drama School loves us ? We have done nothing to deserve your love , yet you all love us so much . One day Cindy came and now everyone seems to love us so much . We don 't deserve it . " I had NO idea what to say . Of course , I know why but it was hard to put into words . All the girls were staring at me with their big , beautiful eyes anxiously awaiting my response . After pondering it a minute I finally said , " We love you because you changed us . " They didn 't know what I meant and I further explained , " In America , everyone has so much and where we are from , many people are rich . People are so focused on their video games and objects and looking to material things to fulfill themselves . Once Cindy came to Uganda and returned home , she told us stories of you all and showed us pictures . She shared how beautiful you are and how much joy you have despite suffering . Mostly , she talked about your love for God . Because of these stories , students and families in Drama School were no longer fixed on helping themselves , but instead focused on seeing God in your faces . You have helped us love others more than we love ourselves . Most of all , each one of you has helped us all become closer to God and to remember what life is truly about . That is why we love you . You have changed us all forever and have brought us closer to God . " They were amazed and one girl was so happy she began to cry . While we can never actually save anyone like Jesus , we can still help and I believe that Jesus can work 8 Comments |
I listened to the sounds from upstairs ; Cal seemed to be explaining something to Jay , who laughed . There was a bit more talk , then I heard Jay coming back downstairs . He came into the living room , sat on the other sofa and put a large box of tissues on the table . łFuck , me neither , actually mate . I 'm so bloody tired , this has been such a bloody long time coming . Anyway , here we are . I don 't really know where to start . I want … I need to … ah fuck it , I just want you to be honest . Really honest with me . I want to know what went wrong , I guess . I don 't know what order to do things in , I 'm not very good at this heart - to - heart shit . Maybe - łJesus , I 've been thinking about this all afternoon , sitting with Matty , you 'd think I 'd have it all straight by now . OK , there 's one thing I keep thinking about , wondering about , I don 't know if you can explain it . What the fuck possessed you to give Raiders a dodgy passport when you first arrived ? ' I … kind of did . Shit , Jay . I 've … I don 't think I 've ever talked to anyone about this . I know you want me to be honest , I want to be , but all this shit from back then , I 'm not sure if I can even say it . Bear with me , yeah ? ' He nodded . I wanted him to say it was OK , I didn 't have to carry on , but he didn 't . He just sat , looking at me . ' Declan Summers is the name I was given when I was born . Actually , Declan Charles Summers . My real name , if you like , if you go back far enough . I was born in England , to English parents , whoever the fuck they were , don 't know , don 't really care . I was adopted when I was a baby , by my Mum and Dad , who were Australian . Their last name was Collier . They took my middle name and called me Charlie . ' My voice broke as I said it . No one I loved had called me Charlie for a very long time . Memories and feelings crowded in , threatening to paralyse me . I stopped talking for a while , summoning the strength to carry on . Jay was still looking at me , frowning slightly . ' Anyway , so I had an Australian passport that said I was Charlie Collier and a British passport that said I was Declan Summers . Don 't ask me how I wound up with two , I really don 't know ; there are so many gaps I can 't fill in . All I know is , when I ended up on my own in this fucking country after Mum and Dad … ' I was thirteen . I was Charlie Collier . I didn 't want to be Charlie Collier , it was too fucking hard . Charlie Collier 's parents were dead . Charlie Collier was put into care because nobody wanted him . Charlie Collier was having a really shit time . So I went back to being Declan Summers . Changed foster homes , changed schools , changed names . It was easier . It was better . No one had seen Declan Summers ' name in the paper , no one felt sorry for Declan Summers , no one felt weird being with Declan Summers because his parents were dead . Declan Summers was a clean slate . I didn 't think about passports or legal stuff , I was only thirteen for fuck 's sake . ' łJesus , Dec . I had no idea . We didn 't know any of this . Only the bare bones , about your parents , being in care . We never asked because you never seemed to want to talk about it . Didn 't you have social workers or anything ? ' Yeah , when they could be bothered . I don 't think I was badly behaved enough , although I tried my hardest . I saw counsellors , on and off , but I moved around a lot , and it was easy just to miss appointments . No one could keep track of me . I was a bit wild , but I didn 't break the law or anything , maybe a few tellings off from the police for getting into fights , smashing stuff up , that kind of thing . Social Services pretty much let me get on with it , my foster families weren 't much better . I did whatever I wanted . Luckily , some of what I wanted was playing rugby . Dad got me into it , used to take me to watch before we moved over here … The memory crept up on me and took me by surprise . It stopped me in my tracks , halting my breath , as a wave of loss and desolation crashed over me . I stared at the floor , trying to breathe , trying to bring myself back . ' Fuck , Jay . I … it 's … sorry . I haven 't thought about this shit for so long . It 's just too fucking hard . ' ' Anyway , you asked about my passport . By the time I was scouted by Raiders , I was well and truly Declan . Nobody remembered I had been Charlie , I barely remembered myself . It didn 't occur to me that I shouldn 't use Declan 's passport at Raiders - why would I have gone back to being Charlie ? I really didn 't do it on purpose , I just never even thought about it . ' ' I don 't know . I 've kept myself awake many nights thinking about that one . Well , I suppose the passport bit 's easy . When I was questioned by the police after the accident , I just gave my name as Charlie Collier . I have no idea why . I was kind of sleepwalking , on automatic pilot , it just came out . Once I 'd told them that name , I couldn 't change it , too many explanations , and I had to give them all the right paperwork . Maybe I was having another go at the self - protection thing , you know , try being a different person , then maybe all this didn 't really happen to me . It worked before . Plus , I was terrified . That man had died . I think I just wanted to escape it all , not think about it . But it all got so complicated . When the inquest was reported in the paper , I realised what a mess I 'd made of things . It dawned on me what I 'd done , giving them the wrong name , the wrong passport , and then I finally realised that I might have got Raiders in trouble too . I should have come clean to the club , talked to you , something , tried to sort it out . But I was so deep in it all , I couldn 't see a way through it . I just buried it all again . Hoped it might go away if no one found out . I mean , maybe it was going to come out sooner or later , but later was fine by me , just then . ' I looked at him miserably , shook my head . I 'd tried to be honest , tell him how things had been . Now I was scared I 'd just made things more confusing , made myself look more of a liar , and taken several steps backwards in trying to mend things , pushed him further away . ' It 's been hard . I … I 've been in a weird place , done things that felt like … like someone else was doing them . I 'm still me . ' łI know you are , mate , I don 't think you 've changed , really , but what I mean is , it 's all jumbled up in your head . How have you managed to keep any of it straight ? Without completely cracking up ? ' I 'm not sure I have , really . Most of my fuck - ups over the last few months I can 't explain , even to myself . I 'm pretty much an emotional wreck , just ask Rose , she 's had to pick me up more times than I can count . ' łMate , you 've had a really tough time , done most of it on your own . You 've had to be pretty strong , I think , to cope with everything . I wish we 'd known more , I wish we 'd been able to help you . Jesus , thinking of you on your own here , no parents , in care … was there really no one who you could have gone to ? ' It was shit for a long time . Deep , dark , shit . I was pretty fucked up . Well , you know what I was like when I first arrived . But that 's when it started to change , when I got the Raiders scholarship and came to live with you and Beth . It just got better . Yeah , I had a lot of stuff in my head that I hadn 't sorted , wasn 't going to touch , but you gave me back some of what I 'd lost . I don 't know if you realise how much you helped . I don 't know if I realised it until I lost it . You and Beth cared about me , you let me in , wanted me . Raiders wanted me . I hadn 't felt wanted for such a bloody long time - My voice broke again . My emotions were threatening to overwhelm me , close up my throat and shut me down completely . Jay waited , looking sad and worried . Beth rolled her eyes and left , hopefully to fetch some mince pies and not to teach me a lesson for swearing . She did know I totally owned Cripple 's Corner , right ? Whether she realised this or not , she came back a minute or two later with two plates of mince pies . I could already tell . I 'd know one of Mum 's mince pies anywhere . But I played along , eating one of each , then going back and having a bite out of both , which was the point really , that I ate something , and I knew it , and Beth and Mum knew it , but fuck it , if it was a game and not something they were bloody going on about , it was worth it . ' Sorry , all this is really hard to say . When … when I fucked it all up in the summer , crashed my car and the whole fucking mess that came out of that , I went back there to that deep , dark , shit place . Back to being on my own . It was what I deserved . I 'd pissed away everything . I wasn 't worth anything to anyone . Everything else I did after that came from being there . ' łDec , this … I 'm not sure I know what to say . It 's a lot to take in . But you never deserved to be on your own . You never deserved to think you 're not worth anything . No one deserves that . I wish … things had been different . I don 't know , you 'd talked to us , or things had just happened differently . Jesus , all this is way beyond me . But it does help me to understand it a bit . You definitely are going to see Don 's psychologist ? łWell that 's something . Jesus , everything else I was going to say seems a bit trivial after that . Look , Dec , we can leave this for now , if you want , or we can carry on , thrash out all the crap that 's been between us the last few months . We 've got to do it sometime . You look a bit shaky , though . Your call . I sat , head bowed , considering . It was so , so hard to talk about . I didn 't know if I had the mental strength for any of it , but more than anything , I really wanted things to be right with me and Jay . łYeah , maybe , for want of a better word . Don was asking for volunteers to give you a room for a few weeks , Beth persuaded me to give it a go . I thought I wouldn 't see much of you , except at work , and maybe you 'd need a bit of an eye keeping on you to start with , but the club would find somewhere else for you before long , and you 'd be gone . He took a breath , looked down at his fingers . łAnyway , more than a few weeks went by , you were still there , I saw more of you than I expected because you kept ditching school and bringing those bloody Goths home with you . I hassled Don to find you somewhere else , but it didn 't happen . Beth was determined to give you a go anyway , said she could see your potential - must have been buried bloody deep down . I was quiet . This all seemed like it had happened so long ago ; I was so different now . łI was a bit worried about the effect you were having on Cal , but Beth kept saying how good you were with him , and when I thought about it , you were . Maybe not a particularly good role model , with the underage drinking , the dodgy mates , the bunking off school and the bad language , but you played with him , and talked to him , and took care of him , and generally seemed to like having him around . He can only have been - what - two when you first arrived ? łYeah , I know . You both seemed to hit it off , from the start really . Anyway , as well as being great with Cal , gradually other things changed , you settled down , you just started doing what you were told . Ditched the attitude , ditched the Goths , knuckled down at school and in training , actually grew up quite a bit , got sensible even . After a while , I never thought any more about you moving on somewhere else , you just became part of us , part of the family . Jay paused , shaking his head slightly as if confused about what came next . łWhen we came back from Portugal , though , it was like you 'd gone back to being that sixteen year old nightmare - staying in your room , going out without saying where , all that . We couldn 't work out what had happened . For a while we wondered if you were pissed off with us for something , leaving you on your own while we went on holiday maybe , but it felt bigger than being a bit pissed off . We felt out of our depth , wondered if we should have got more help with you when you first got here , found out a bit more about you , so we could talk to you about what went on when you were younger . Maybe if we had , it would have changed things . Too late by then , you were over eighteen . By the time I was eighteen , I had stopped childishly hankering after the ' real parents ' I 'd wanted Jay and Beth to be . I was well on the road to independence , thought I was tough enough not to need anyone . My life seemed littered with if onlys … łBeth had tried so hard with you when you first arrived , she 'd just seemed to know what to do to help you calm down and relax with us . Even she was at a loss , though , nothing was getting through . Then you moved out , didn 't even say goodbye , hardly ever answered your phone , and you never returned calls . You barely spoke to me at the club , except when you had to . For me , I felt like you 'd chucked everything back in our faces , it was a real kick in the teeth . The only thing that wasn 't affected was your playing and your training . ' It was all I had , I just had to hang on to it . If I hadn 't had that - well I needed it , it got me through everything else . When I was suspended , couldn 't even go to the ground , everything just got so much worse . ' łI guess so , I 'm still trying to piece it all together . So , that went on for a while , we felt like you 'd cut us out of your life , doing whatever the fuck it was you were doing . Beth was really upset , I was just bloody angry . We thought you just didn 't want us any more Cal really missed you , he kept asking why you weren 't there , and we didn 't really have a good answer . I know you came round a couple of times to see him , I guess that made a difference , but it was tough on him . ' Keeping away . I was one enormous fuck - up . Everything I touched seemed to turn to shit , from the moment I crashed my car . Every time I tried to make things better , they just got worse . I wanted to keep everyone away from me , so no one got dragged into it . When that bloke turned up at the house , asking for money , he scared me . I thought he was genuine , didn 't I , and he was pretty full on , intimidating . I had to move out , I didn 't want him to come round when Beth or Cal were there , I was scared he might do something to them , frighten them or something , to get at me , but I couldn 't explain it without telling you what I 'd done . I couldn 't tell you what I 'd done because it was just too huge , too many consequences I wasn 't in control of . I couldn 't face it . The less I talked to you , the less likely I was to slip up and tell you . I don 't know if that makes any sense at all . ' łJesus , Dec . What a mess , what a fucking screwed up mess . Makes sense ? Fuck , no . None of this makes any fucking sense . It sounds like you didn 't want to lose it all , so you threw it all away instead - you really weren 't thinking straight , were you ? Thing is , you 've tried to carry all this alone . I guess maybe I can see why , now , if you felt like you 'd gone back to a place where you had to just look out for yourself . But for us , when we came back from holiday in the summer , your car was gone , your bloody precious car , no explanation , and it was like you were gone too . You were like a different person . You wouldn 't talk to us , you stayed in your room , then a few weeks later you left with some bloody lame story about a college course . It was so obviously not true . We didn 't know what to think . We thought you 'd met a girl or something - it felt like you were ditching us . Why didn 't you talk to us ? Everything might have been different if you 'd just said something . ' I don 't know if I can explain it . I just shut down . After I crashed my car , I felt panicky the whole time you were away . I don 't know if it would have been different if you hadn 't been away when it happened , but by the time you came back I 'd gone into a kind of … like a daze or fog or something . I was scared someone was going to find out , that man had died and , I dunno , I thought I might go to prison or something . I don 't know if I was … ashamed ? Terrified ? Both . Couldn 't deal with it , pushed it down with all the other shit . Then that bloke came round , saying he wanted paying for what I did to his dad , and it seemed like I could fix it , make things better . I thought if I gave him what he wanted , it would all go away . I know it sounds mad now , but that 's what I thought . But to do it I had to make sure nobody knew , so I just … let everything go . If I didn 't see people they wouldn 't ask questions . I really think I might have been a bit mad . It sounds crazy just saying it . ' łJesus , Dec . Don 's shrink is sounding more and more necessary . This is all way beyond me . Something Rose said , while you were in hospital - did you know we called her , talked to her for a long time when we got back home ? Jay nodded . łMaybe that explains it . She said you 're a bit fragile where families are concerned . It never occurred to us that you 'd lost two lots of parents before you came to us - you never really talked about it , we never realised there was this much going on in your head . But she wondered if you felt you needed to deal with stuff on your own , partly because that 's how you 'd learned to do things when you were in trouble , and partly because you were scared you 'd lose us if you involved us . łMaybe for a while , but don 't forget what I said to you before . Family is family , and you 're part of ours , if you want it . Actually , no , whether you want it or not . That 's never going to change , whatever happens . I don 't know if you get that , or believe it . Jesus , Dec , I said some fucking awful things to you . I lose sleep over that time I yelled at you in the car park . I was just so angry with you , and upset about Matty , it all just came out . I won 't say I didn 't mean it , because on that day I really did , and for a while afterwards , but now when I think about it , Jesus , if I could take it back , not say it … łDec , I don 't get this ' what I deserve ' bullshit . Where 's it coming from ? You cocked things up big time , made some seriously fucking horrendous decisions , there were consequences . But deserve it ? I don 't see it . ' That 's what I am , why I deserve it all , everything that 's happened , everything you said to me , all of it . I 've screwed so many things up - your job , Cal , Raiders ' chances of top four . Shit , Jay , I fucking killed someone - ' łJesus ! I can 't believe what I 'm hearing . What the fuck are you talking about ? Do you think I 'd let a worthless piece of shit spend the day with my son ? Or have a laugh with my brother ? Or hug my wife ? I 've met some fucking worthless pieces of shit in my time , and believe me you are not one . Yeah , I know , someone died , that must be fucking terrible for you to have to live with , but it wasn 't your fault . It was a fucking awful accident . Jesus . Dec , you seriously , seriously need some help with all this . Cal I tried to go to sleep , I really did , but when it 's Christmas tomorrow , it 's very hard , because the excited feeling just bubbles up in your tummy and stops you . I could hear Dad and Dec talking in the living room , which was below my room , although I couldn 't hear what they were saying . I lay in bed for a long time , hearing the voices in the room below , and then I thought that if I went and sat on the stairs , I might be able to hear more . Sometimes I did that to hear what Mum and Dad were saying , but they usually had the door open . The door was shut , though , and I couldn 't hear much more from half way up the stairs than I could from my bed . I stayed and listened to their voices , because I liked hearing Dad and Dec talking - I hadn 't heard it for a long time , and it made me feel happy . I had no reply for him , finding it hard to meet his eyes , trying to blink away the tears in my own . Jay 's tone of voice and anger had taken me back to the day he got the letter about the inquest , and to him yelling at me in the car park . I felt like I was about to lose him all over again . łHave you not heard a word I 've said ? OK , words of one syllable . We . Love . You . Jesus , that 's not something you 're going to hear me say often . But that 's what you need to hear . You 're part of our family . That 's what it means . Part of us . Forever . Family . Jay , Beth , Cal and Dec . Nothing you can do , nothing I can do will change it . Beth told me what you said to Cal , about being cross with people but still loving them . It 's true - you can 't lose us , that 's just how it is . You haven 't fucked anything up with us , not deep down . It 's taken me a while to get there , to understand it - I guess it might take you a while too - but you 're family . I think that 's as important to you as it is to us . I hope we never have to go through anything like the last few months again to make us realise it . It finally did get through . I couldn 't quite take it in . I 'd spent so long convincing myself I 'd lost it all , I hadn 't realised how hard it would be for me to see things differently . It needed time to sink in . ' Jay , being here , it 's so huge for me . A few weeks ago , I thought I 'd blown it , thought I 'd never see any of you again . What I did , what you said - I thought that was it , finished . I 've spent a lot of time trying to get my head round that , trying to accept it . It 's been hard . Being here with you all , thinking maybe I might not have fucked it all up , it 's taking some getting used to . It doesn 't feel real yet . I can hardly believe it . ' łIt feels pretty huge for us too , Dec . It 's been fairly fucking shitty , hasn 't it ? Yeah , I know what you mean , getting our heads round it all might take a while . But I 'm glad you 're here , it feels right . I didn 't know if it would be weird or awkward , but it hasn 't been , it 's almost like we 've started where we left off , before we went on holiday . Yeah , everything 's been shit for all of us , but I think we can leave that behind , I hope we can . Especially if you 're going to get some help sorting out the large amount of crap that seems to be lodged in your head ? łThank fuck for that . I need to ask you just one more thing , though , if you can hack it . About Cal asking about us being cross with him . That 's been an ongoing thing since he called you that time on my phone . What the fuck did you tell him ? ' Well , a while ago , when you were still living in the city , me and Cal made a plan to go to Dinosaurland on his birthday . I 'd forgotten , with everything that happened , but he hadn 't , of course . He 'd decided you were going to bring him down , so we could still do it . I tried to put him off , told him I couldn 't do it , you wouldn 't do it , but he had an answer for everything . I had to tell him something , explain it somehow , without telling any more lies . The only way I could do that was to tell him the truth . ' ' I can 't remember exactly . Probably not far off . I know it was a bit blunt - I was panicking , I was really messed up , not thinking straight . It was so good to talk to him , I needed to tell him the truth , but I was about to break a promise to him , and it freaked me out . I 'd told so many lies , I just couldn 't do it any more , especially to Cal . ' łWell that explains a lot . He had a really hard time getting to grips with that one . And that 's when you lost Beth , she was pretty upset with you . Cal kept on and on that day about why we were cross , were we cross with him . For a little while he couldn 't cope if we bickered with each other , and he really thought if he annoyed us at all we were going to kick him out , not speak to him . Beth was really angry - up till then she 'd been trying to make excuses for you , tried to talk about you with Cal , but that tipped it for her . It just seemed like you didn 't even care about Cal any more , about how what you said might affect him . It wasn 't until he ran away that she 'd even mention your name again . I guess that was only about a week later , wasn 't it , but it seemed longer . I couldn 't even think about you . Jesus , I 'm getting pissed off just talking about it now . I listened to all this , in growing misery . I 'd been so happy today , spending time with Cal , feeling like I might be back in their family . If I 'd damaged Cal in any way , I couldn 't bear it . ' I had no idea , Jay , I 'm so sorry . I didn 't know what else to say at the time . I tried to talk to him yesterday , told him you can care about someone and be cross with them at the same time . ' łI know , mate , I know how much you love him . I think we 've got him to see that we 'd never do any of the things he was worried about . He 's OK now . Ignore me , I 'm just letting off steam , I need to tell you how it was for us . I know you were having a hard time , we 've talked to Rose a lot , and Nico and Lis . They 've helped us to see , I think , that you haven 't really been yourself for quite a while . Nico was so worried about you the night after the points hearing , he came home and told us everything , even though we 'd said we didn 't want to know anything about you . He says you were in a right state . ' I guess I was . That was a tough night . I felt like I 'd lost absolutely everything , couldn 't see how I was going to carry on . Rose and Nico were amazing . ' łJesus . Jesus , Dec . Well , fair question I suppose . OK … maybe , thinking about it … I guess , in a way , yeah . He saw the anguish on my face , and held a hand up to stop me . łHold on , before you go off on another guilt trip , let me explain . That day , when the letter came about your accident , and everything went arse about face , was the worst possible day it could have come . I 'd just had a call from Mum to say Matty was in hospital , and it wasn 't looking very good . Beth and I had been trying to decide whether we needed to come up here to help Mum out - Matty was diagnosed in the summer , shortly after you moved out , but he hadn 't been too bad , he was living with his girlfriend , still working , although he 'd had to cut his hours down . Then he started to get worse , his girlfriend left him , it was pretty messy , he got this cold , or flu or whatever , and just went downhill . I was still trying to get the sequence of events straight in my head . That time , back when everything crashed around me , was hazy , but now Jay was telling it in order , I could understand why he 'd been so angry . łAnyway , Mum had just rung , and I was trying to get organised to come up here , when I get this letter about you , saying did I know you 'd killed a man and did I know who you really are . I think it 's a joke , or some nutter stirring it , until I show it to you and you crumple like you 've been shot . And then Don says you 've taken the charity money , and all the shit with your passport , and it just seems like you 've been lying about everything . And I can 't believe it 's all fucking happening at once , and it makes me so mad , and I can 't even start to think about it or know what the fuck to do about it - łSorry , anyway , so I want to get away , come up here to be with Matty in case … but now I 've got to deal with you , and you 're being all uncommunicative , and I don 't have the patience , or the time . And everyone I talk to is telling me you owe them money , and I feel like I just don 't know who the fuck you are any more It 's like you 've been pulling the wool over our eyes all this time . And maybe if you don 't want us , we don 't want you either . This was hard to hear . At the time I hadn 't thought how it might look to Jay and Beth . I 'd only thought of getting away to protect both myself and them . I had never not wanted them ; being apart from them had been the hardest thing . łSo I decided I 'd just quit , there and then , come up here , so I didn 't have to piss about with you , or have you or anyone else stop me from looking after my brother . Don didn 't want me to go , he said I could have some personal leave , but I guess , to answer your question , I wanted to get away and not have to come back and face all your shit , so , yeah , if I 'm honest I did leave because of you . But , Dec , it was my decision . And it was the right one , thinking about it . I don 't want anyone else looking after Matty . Me and Beth have got it covered . I 'm glad I came up here , it 's where I should be . Mum needs it and Matty needs it . łDon 't make me sodding punch you . Listen to me . It 's not about sorry or blame , or at least it 's not now . I guess I did blame you at first . But , like I said when you were in hospital , well , something like that happens and you realise deep down what you really feel . Jesus , Dec , when they told me the bloke I 'd found in the car park was you , I felt sick . There was so much blood , your face was so swollen and bloody it was unrecognisable . We went straight to the hospital when they told us , I sat with you most of the night . I had a lot of time to think about why I was doing that , if I was so glad to be shot of you and all your fucking shit . Beth had already started to - I dunno - forgive you ? Jay ran his hands through his hair as he tried to explain it all . łAfter you found Cal that time , she couldn 't stay angry . I wasn 't so ready - when I saw you again , after you found him , it just brought back all that anger , I mean I was so fucking relieved he was OK , and grateful , but I didn 't want to be , it was all churning around , wishing it had been anyone else who 'd found him . But after that , Beth made me talk about you , and I found I could bear to say your name . Actually , she got me thinking . She asked why I still had your number on my phone if I was done with you . If I 'd deleted it , Cal wouldn 't have been able to ring you that time , and things might have been a lot different . I had wondered the same thing myself - had expected him to have deleted all traces of me from his life , by the time I got Cal 's call . łI didn 't have a good answer to that , apart from maybe I wasn 't as done as I thought . So , I sat there in the hospital looking at you with your broken bones and your stitches and your bruises and your unrecognisable beaten up fuck - ugly face , and it occurred to me that you don 't sit there all night waiting for someone to wake up , to know they 're alright , if you don 't care about them . I thought about what you 'd done , and how it made me feel , and decided that whether you had reasons for it or not , it was just part of us . I stopped being angry . Stopped blaming you . Accepted it . You need to do the same . Do you remember Rose saying , when you were in hospital , something about you being sad because you 'd lost us , lost your family ? łWell , that was what finally sorted it for me . Whatever you had been thinking while you were away from us , it wasn 't that you wanted to ditch us . You still thought of us as your family , and had done all along , whatever else you 'd been trying to prove along the way . It was really important for me and Beth to know that , that it wasn 't all one way from us , that you felt the same . Fuck me , Dec , this is hard . You know I don 't usually do all this emotional talking shit . And , there you go , here are the tissues , join me in the blub club . My eyes were streaming tears . I was completely choked up . Telling Jay about the past had stirred up feelings I had buried deep down , and the reality of still being part of his family was breaking over me . I was close to losing control and I needed to push it back down before it took over and swamped me . I closed my eyes , took some deep breaths and focussed on what Jay was saying . łSo , bottom line , you need to get your head sorted . No more of this ' worthless ' crap . You 're worth a lot to us . Find out what 's going on in that skull . Stop saying sorry , start accepting help from people . You 're in this family , whether you like it or not . OK ? I took another deep , shuddery breath and pushed the past back as far as it would go . It would still be there waiting , another day . Opened my eyes and looked at him . łYes , Dec , we 're OK . I think in a way , we always were , although looking back maybe neither of us would have said so at the time . It might have taken us a while longer to get there ; whoever smashed that bottle over your head did us all a huge favour . Don 't ever stop talking to me again , OK ? ' Well , after I was suspended I went on a bit of a major vodka bender . Lost two days . Missed an appointment with him . He was rather pissed off . Made a no alcohol rule . ' łTwo days ? Impressive . Ohh … so that 's where you disappeared to . Absolutely fucking everyone was looking for you . He won 't have intended for it to cover Christmas , he probably hasn 't even thought about telling you it 's OK now . Come on , you can 't have Christmas Eve without beer ! The door opened , and it made me jump , and I should have run back to bed , but it was Dad going to the kitchen and he didn 't see me . I heard him talking to Mum . I went down the rest of the stairs and stood in the doorway to the living room . This was a new story . Dec had never told me the Christmas Mouse before . We got into the reading position , and I warmed up a bit , because it had been cold sitting on the stairs in my pyjamas . It was a story Mum used to tell me when I couldn 't sleep on Christmas Eve . Cal found a place under my arm and snuggled in . When Jay came back with the beer , Cal was nearly asleep . A few more minutes , and he was completely out . Jay picked him up gently and carried him upstairs , while Beth came in and sat next to me on the sofa . _ I 'm glad you 've sorted stuff out with James . It 's been a completely horrible end to the year , he needed this . Are you alright , sweetheart ? It sounds like you had quite an emotional conversation . ' I 'll be OK . I told him a lot of stuff I haven 't thought about for a long time , things I 've never told anyone before . I 'm sure he 'll tell you . Need to put it away somewhere in my head for another day . Do I need to sort stuff out with you , too ? ' _ Not really , sweetheart . You found Cal when he ran away . That sorted me . You cared enough to go looking for him . You knew him well enough to know where he 'd be . You found him and you told me and you loved us enough to walk away . I could see how hard that was for you . I 'm so glad you 're here now . _ I know , Dec . I hate that we didn 't help you when you needed it . It 's done now . None of us can change what we did , although we can regret things and try not to do them again . Did you ever stop loving us ? _ Then that 's all I need to know . I was more upset that you didn 't talk to us than anything you might have done . I didn 't understand why you didn 't want us to help . You know me , I like to talk about things , and it hurt to be shut out . I thought we trusted each other . ' I know , sweetheart . It 's finished now . I think you and James have just done more talking than either of you have ever done in your lives before . Don 't stop now , will you . She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek . ' Thanks , Beth . It really means a lot . I guess , before , I just took it all for granted . I didn 't realise what I had with you all until I chucked it away . ' _ Maybe sometimes you have to lose something before you realise how much it means to you . I didn 't know how much you were a part of our family until you 'd gone and there was this big hole . I know I 'm so pleased to have you back . Let 's talk more about things , out in the open , whatever 's bothering us . _ Ha ha , don 't I know it . All any of us can do is try , sweetheart . God , I 'm knackered . All evening talking to Carol is exhausting at the best of times . I 'm going to bed . Remind James to put the presents under the tree , and some in Matty 's room , and do Cal 's stocking , would you ? He opened the beers and handed one to me . And that was that , finished for now with the pain of explanations and remembering . Jay had switched back into normal life straight away . It took me longer to leave the darkness and come back to now . The beer helped . It tasted really good , but went to my head pretty quickly . I hadn 't drunk anything alcoholic for quite a while now , and my system had adapted . When Jay got another a bit later , I took it a bit more slowly , but when I stood up to go to the loo , I swayed slightly . Some time later , Jay had had a couple more , I had managed one and was close to falling asleep . The TV was still on , but the programme had changed , and was now some Christmassy chat show . There was laughter , and music , and it felt happy and jolly , and finally , after months of unhappiness and uncertainty , I felt I could begin to relate to it . I sat and watched it , enjoyed the feelings that were starting to open up again inside me . I followed Jay to a cupboard in the utility room . He was right , it was crammed with presents . He got a few black bin bags and shovelled them in . łHa ha , no most of these are Cal 's . Spoilt or what ? Beth 's family have gone overboard a bit , and I suppose we have , too . He 's only little once , isn 't he . Here , you take this bag and do Matty 's tree . Mum 's in there , she will have fallen asleep . Don 't know if Matty 's awake or not . I headed over to Matt 's room , opened the door and crept in as quietly as I could . The room was lit only by the lights from the Christmas tree . Jay 's mum was asleep in the chair , Matt was breathing noisily , eyes closed . I started putting the presents under the tree , trying to make as little sound as possible . The next time I woke , I heard a rustling and looked over to the Christmas tree where it had come from . Beth wasn 't there , and Mum was asleep , head back against the chair , mouth open . Dec appeared to be piling presents around the tree . ' Sahnta ? ' She leaned towards me and stroked my forehead . I put up with it because it was Mum , and it was what mums do . Then she looked over at Dec . And since when did I need a round the clock babysitter ? ' Noh need , got monitor . Dec 'll stay foh bit ? ' I hoped he would pick up on my need to boot Mum out before she stayed in my room all night . He seemed to . ' Alright , dear , if you 're sure . Goodnight . ' She stood up , leaned over and kissed me on the cheek , then left , closing the door behind her . ' Tell me about it , you spend more energy trying to stop them going on than you would if they just bloody well left you alone . ' It really sounded like he knew where I was coming from . I thought about what he 'd been through the past few weeks and realised he probably did . I wondered whether his conversation with my brother had happened yet . Beth had engineered a vacancy in the living room earlier , but I 'd been asleep - oh , that was why she and Mum were both in here together with the magazines and the mince pies . ' Yuh talked wih Jay ? ' Guhd , he nehded tha . ' ' Yeah . ' ' Him and Beth ahr pretty greht . ' I felt like I needed to remind him how lucky he was that they cared this much about him , grown up that I was . ' Yeah . ' Then Dec 's eyes filled up . Fuck , I 'd made him cry . Nice one Matt , you bastard . He was quiet for a bit , wiping his eyes , then breathed in and straightened up . ' Santa 's got more jobs to do before he can go to sleep , I 've got to do Cal 's stocking without waking him up , then try and get a few hours sleep before the middle of the night when he 's going to wake up . ' I thought of the list of night time tasks Jay usually did , but hadn 't because I was asleep . No way was I asking Dec to help me change into my night clothes , but maybe there were a few things he could do . I hummed and hawed to myself about just how much I could ask of this kid I barely knew … oh bollocks , I was going to have to ask him to take my piss bottle . I 'd had it under the covers , full , with the lid on , since Mum and Beth were playing the mince pie game . If I didn 't get it emptied I wouldn 't be able to pee in the night if I needed to . Arsing fucknozzles . ' Oh yeah . Dur . Like , as if anyone 's going to want to have a cup that 's been washed up in a sink full of your piss . ' ' Thanks . Could yuh turn lights off and monitor on ? ' Much as it pained me to point it out , I aimed a finger at the small plastic speaker on the table next to the bed . It was almost as humiliating as the piss bottle . ' Oh , don 't do that mate . That would seriously dampen the festive mood . I might not be able to eat my Christmas dinner . ' And there it was again , the cheeky banter , black humour , just what I needed . ' Fuck ohf . Oh shih , did yuh already tuhn it on ? ' I 'd started speaking just as he flipped the switch . Beth would have just got an earful upstairs . Dec shrugged , grinned , flicked the Christmas tree lights off and left the room with a youthful swagger . He was turning out to be surprisingly good to have around . łYou really are a bad influence , Declan Summers . Keep it up , you 're good for him . OK , that 's it . I am now officially bushed . It doesn 't feel right going to bed before midnight on Christmas Eve , but I don 't think I can last any longer . Here 's Cal 's stocking , make really sure he 's not awake when you do the switch . You going to bed now ? I followed Jay up the stairs , got undressed in the bathroom and crept into Cal 's room , using the landing light to see by . He was lying on his back , one arm flung over his head . His breathing was regular and his eyes were moving beneath his eyelids as if he was dreaming . As far as I could tell , he was asleep . I took the empty stocking off the post by his head , and hooked the full one on in its place . I stuffed the empty one deep in my bag , hoping I would remember to give it back before I left . Then I flicked off the landing light , climbed into bed and lay down . I wanted to go to sleep , but after my conversation with Jay , there was too much swirling around for me to wind down . I hadn 't thought about Mum and Dad , or anything from back then , for a long time , not properly . I allowed myself to remember the last Christmas I 'd had with them , at home , dinner , presents , everything . I could barely remember their faces . It made me sad . Conscious of Cal asleep above me , I pushed the memories away before they made me cry , as I didn 't think I 'd be able to stop . Eventually I slept . Dreaming . I am flying around the world . First I visit Mum and Dad and younger me . It is Christmas Eve , and Mum is reading me the Christmas Mouse . I watch through the window as she closes the book , carries me to bed and tucks me in . Then I fly off , over the sea , chasing snowflakes and reindeer and twinkling stars until I reach Jay , Beth and Cal . Cal is opening presents on Christmas morning , Jay and Beth are watching . I fly in through the window and sit with them for a bit . Then I fly back up to the stars and watch the world shining . Someone is next to me . I look down and see brown boots . Look up and … Human of several decades experience . Full time employment , part - time enjoyment . Searching for the fountain of youth in the sure knowledge that it will be full of beer cans and dog piss . Plan B is the fountain of age , which will be found next to a comfy chair with the TV remote in easy reach . View all posts by 00dreams00 Author 00dreams00Posted on June 20 , 2017Categories Christmas , Fiction , Serial , storyTags Apology , Christmas , Christmas Eve , Deep and meaningful , Dream , Family , Fiction , Forgiven , Friends , Help , Home , Love , Making amends , MS , Recovery , Rugby , story , Truth Leave a Reply Cancel reply Enter your comment here . . . |
Posted on May 26 , 2017 by susank456 Royal has now become a full - fledged member of our family . You know how family acts together , no inhibitions , everything hangs out , farts , burps and language is much more casual , while a guest is on their best behavior . Dogs are the same way in a fashion . They tend to be more on guard , watchful and very polite . Now Royal knows for sure that he is here to stay and his quirks and " bad habits " have emerged . Not that he is bad by any figment of the imagination , he is really a pleasure to have , it 's just that now the other habits have emerged . Maybe some of it has to do with us being on vacation and together all week or maybe he has finally " let his hair down " . We were warned that Royal loves tennis balls to the extreme , and we would have to physically take it away from him or he would chew on it until it was destroyed , so we limit his ball time . On Monday , we drove over to Point Defiance Park to let the dogs get into Puget Sound for some swimming and romping around . Well , Royal knows what the water is good for , playing fetch with whatever is available to throw out in the water and he can retrieve . We didn 't think to take a tennis ball , so we looked for a stick . The first stick wasn 't big enough and Royal just chewed it up on the first throw . We searched around and found a small log , about two inches in diameter and about a foot long , and threw it out in the Sound for him . The log was pretty waterlogged , so Royal was able to chew it up a bit on each retrieve . Did I forget to mention that not only does he likes to go get whatever is thrown for him , but chews on it some is also a prerequisite . With each throw , Royal would destroy it bit by bit . Orso was not as interested in swimming around and playing fetch , he was more intrigued with everything else , the beach , the trees and all the people . He kept wandering off in search of something new , so I followed him up and down the beach to keep him from getting too close to other people and their dogs . Mitch was tasked with keepThis morning on our after - breakfast walk , Royal spotted some small animal poop on the side of the road , that some moronic dog owner didn 't bother picking up , leaving it for some unsuspecting walker , ( usually me ) to step in . He stuck his nose almost on it to give it a good sniff , then proceeded to drop down to roll his head in the poop . I caught on just as he was headed down and jerked the leashed and gave a rather loud " no " for five in the morning . His head hit the ground next to the poop , but thankfully he missed the pile . That was the first time he did the " Drop and Roll " on something , but I can see that I need to keep a watchful eye on him in the future . When we got home from the walk , Royal got a thorough face cleaning with a Clorox wipe . Posted on May 13 , 2017 by susank456 Mother Nature is having a huge laugh at our expense and I 've had enough . It is the middle of May for god 's sake and I 'm still wearing an insulated jacket when I walk the dogs . Oh and did I mention the jacket has a hood , because we are having the wettest spring on record . That matched our winter , which was the wettest on record , too . Yada , yada , yada . Tomorrow is Mother 's Day and in the Midwest , that is the date to plant your hot weather vegetables and tomatoes . Here , I 'm still hardening off my tomatoes so they don 't wither and die at night when the temperatures dip into the forties . Well enough is enough ! I am so ready for some warmer weather , not asking for nineties , I don 't want that , but some seventy degree days are desperately needed and sunshine . I need some sunshine ! I would even settle for the mid - sixties if I could have the sun out too . I have so much yardwork to do , but every time I get ready to head out , I look outside and it 's raining , again . All the native Washingtonians tell me that this is so unusual and they are getting tired of all the chilly wet weather too . Well Mother Nature , enough is enough , come on , you 've had a good laugh and have reminded us all you are in control , not us . It 's time to move on , go inland , go out to sea , I don 't care , just go play your pranks someplace else . I have eight raised beds and all I have planted so far is a bed of strawberries and a bed with three blueberry bushes . I have green beans , zucchini and cucumber seeds I need to get in the ground , not to mention the tomatoes . And I 'm haven 't even mentioned mowing yet . I could mow my yard twice a week , if I was so inclined . All my neighbors mow their lawns one to two times a week , but not me , I don 't care that much about it . I like my grass a bit taller than everyone else around here . If you were to compare our yards to a golf course , my neighbors ' yards look like the putting green and my yard looks like the rough . It hides the weeds . Posted on April 1 , 2017 by susank456 Well call us crazy or not , we took the leap and jumped off the cliff . After we received the reprieve from the woman asking for two weeks to try and work something out with her landlord , we breathed a sigh of relief . We told each other that it was for a reason that we didn 't get the dog . That maybe later on in the future , we would start looking for a dog . Guess what ? Two weeks to the day , we received an email , asking if we were still interested in meeting Royal . We said yes , but now due to prior commitments , we couldn 't take him for another two weeks . We also said we would understand if they couldn 't wait for us . Oh no , was the response , they would be more than happy to keep him for another 2 weeks . They just wanted to make sure he had a good home . I wasn 't sure how she " knew " we would be a good home , since we had only traded emails to date . We agreed to meet Royal the following Sunday , and see how he would get along with Orso . All week , I kept going back and forth , are we doing the right thing for Orso ? If we take Royal , would that be the right thing for him ? Talk about making myself crazy , I must have waffled back forth enough to have worn a groove in my brain . Sunday morning , we loaded Orso up and headed out to meet Royal . We got there early and wandered around the school grounds that we had agreed to introduce the two on . Neutral territory , that way no one felt threatened or possessive of the space . A car pulled into the far side of the parking lot and watched as a man got out with a large dark brown dog . Nope , not Royal , we thought , because it was a Doberman and we were expecting a lab / mastiff mix . The man and the dog headed off in the opposite direction so we were pretty sure , they were just out for a stroll in the drizzle . Another car pulled in and parked . A woman and a teenage girl got out of the car and the woman turned and opened the back door of the car . Out hopped a fawn colored dog with blackish brown ears . Royal came trotting over to us , quite unafraid and eager to meet us and Orso . He was as tall as Orso and a little bigger in the chest than Orso , maybe about five to ten pounds overweight . He was super friendly and just wanted to be petted . He was also a leaner . After introductions , we watched the two get to know each other , sniffing butts , peeing on top of the other 's pee spot and running around the grass . Orso tried to jump on his back a couple of times and each time Royal would turn and give a warning bark growl , but never showed teeth . I was quite impressed with the dog , and ready to jump over the ledge . Mitch asked a few questions , did he have any ailments , eating issues , were his shots up to date , etc . All of our questions were answered quite positively , and I couldn 't help but wonder about his owner . It would take dire circumstances for me to even consider having to find a home for Orso and not keep him . We asked if any others had responded to the ad and the woman said yes , she had gotten eight offers but only took one other offer seriously . After meeting the couple , she told them no they couldn 't have Royal . It seems the couple had a pair of pit bulls with them that were quite beat up and kept asking her what the mastiff side was capable of . She told us that she felt uneasy and worried about Royal 's safety . I took the first leap , looked at Mitch and said that we would love to take him , but because family was coming into town , we couldn 't take him until the following Saturday . That seemed to be quite workable , so we said good - bye , loaded up Orso and headed home . Saturday morning , we picked up Royal and brought him home . We left Orso home for the pick up so that there was no tension in cramped spaces . As soon as we pulled into the driveway , I jumped out and leashed up Orso and the four of us went for a nice long walk . We are now a week into back being a two - dog family and so far , so good . Maybe it 's because both dogs are older , Orso will be eleven and Royal is almost six , both are very calm sedate dogs , pretty much couch potatoes most of the time . So for now , life is good , just a little more cramped on the couch , but quite relaxed . I 'm sure once Royal gets comfortable and realizes the once he crossed the threshold , he was here to stay , things will getShare this : FacebookRedditEmailTwitterPinterestTumblrPrintLinkedInGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Creative Writing , dog ownership , Dogs , humor , short story Tagged dogs , dogs playing , humor , labradors , marriage , mastiff , pet ownership , short stories , walking , women , writing 4 Comments Posted on March 18 , 2017March 18 , 2017 by susank456 The description , " She walks with fluid soft grace , she almost floats " has been used to describe me NEVER ! You will never hear the words fluid soft grace , when someone talks about me . I have an uncanny ability trip over thin air , lose my balance when doing the simple task of standing or fall up or down stairs . I 'm quite an accomplished professional faller . I also find new ways to either cut myself on the most mundane object . Case in point , I sliced open my knuckle on a piece of aluminum foil the other day . Who gets a paper cut from aluminum foil , me that 's who . I can 't blame this ability on getting older or some strange side effect from the gravitation pull of a full moon . I 've been this graceless from childhood and the phase of the moon has no effect on me . My mother even sent me to Charm School when I was budding teenager . I learned how to set a proper table , to sit with my ankles crossed and how to stand with a book on my head . And do you know what happened at the graduation ceremony , I tripped walking across the stage to pick up my diploma . Poor mom , couldn 't get a refund . I have fallen off the side of the road and face planted in the ditch without any help from the dogs . I 've crashed and burned falling down a hill carrying a four - foot step ladder . I burn my hands on oven racks almost weekly . ( Hum , maybe I should quit cooking ) And as I mentioned above , I have lacerated myself with aluminum foil , paper , knives and forks . Last night I reached a new level of clumsiness . I was cleaning the huge mirror in our bathroom and couldn 't reach the top of the mirror standing in front of the vanity . I know what you 're thinking , I climbed up on the vanity then fell off . You would be wrong , not that I didn 't consider it . Nope , I went and got the small rickety wooden step ladder from our closet , so I could reach the top without falling off the vanity . I set the step ladder up and climbed up to reach the top section on the left side of the mirror . But because the mirror spans the length of the room , I had to move the step ladder to the other side so that I could clean the top right hand side of the mirror . As I set the step ladder down , I placed one leg on the toe of my right shoe , then proceeded to climb up on the step ladder . Yes , I knew I set the ladder on my shoe and still stepped up on the ladder , I don 't know why I continued , but I did . Needless to say , I crushed one toe so badly it bled in my sock . I hopped off the ladder cursing and hopping around the bedroom . I know what you 're thinking , " What kind of moron would put a ladder on her foot and then step on it ? " I don 't have a good answer for you , except I think I move faster than my brain . That sounds as good of an explanation as any , or I 'm just a moron . That would work too . So now my options are I can only use ladders when supervised by an adult or hire a mirror cleaner . Share this : FacebookRedditEmailTwitterPinterestTumblrPrintLinkedInGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Creative Writing , humor , short story Tagged clumsiness , grace , humor , satire , short stories , walking , women , writing 10 Comments Posted on March 10 , 2017 by susank456 I have the perfect job for Orso - Spokesdog . Not just any old spokesdog , but a spokesdog for UPS . UPS would be lucky to have him for their mouthpiece as a satisfied customer . Though I 'm not sure how to approach UPS and pitch Orso as their spokesdog . It 's perfect when you think about it , Orso is a great big chocolate lab and the UPS official color is brown , it 's a match made in heaven . A big brown dog standing in a big brown truck , and who doesn 't love a big brown slobbery happy dog ? Talk about PR perfection , it 's a marketing dream . Orso loves the UPS man and his big brown truck . Orso knows the sound of the diesel truck coming from a long way away . He will jump up from a dead sleep to run to the front door to watch and wait for his favorite UPS driver . It helps that our regular driver brings large dog biscuits with him and gives one to Orso with each delivery . When Orso hears the truck , he runs to the door and watches with great big hopeful eyes , and if the truck stops , he will cry and whine and bark this shrill bark , showing his total impatience at how slowly the world turns while he is waiting for the UPS man to climb out of the truck and bring him a dog biscuit . Because we all know that Orso NEVER gets any treats , only the ones the UPS man gives him . Not . As soon as the driver gets out of the truck and starts to walk to the front door , Orso is standing on his hind legs barking loudly and frantically , as if he has just found his long - lost boy . It 's a bit embarrassing and I must admit to a bit of jealousness , because I 'm not so sure , Orso wouldn 't just go with the UPS man . After all , he has food and Orso is a lab . Orso has become so obsessed with the big brown UPS truck that if we 're out on a walk and he hears a truck , any truck with the telltale diesel engine , Orso will stop and search for the direction the sound is coming from , then turn and wait until the noise gets louder and closer . God forbid he sees the truck while we 're walking . That turns into an Aflac claim just waiting to happen . Twice this week the UPS truck came up the street while we were out on our morning walk . Orso turned and started barking at the truck hoping to get the driver to stop , which he did right there in the middle of the street . Our driver , then turned the truck off and climbed into the back of his truck , just to get Orso a biscuit . Orso had already climbed up into the truck and was waiting for the treat . Our UPS driver told me that Orso was the only dog on his route that gets so excited to see him . I think that the driver gets as big a kick out of seeing Orso as Orso does when he sees him . It 's a sad day when the truck doesn 't stop or if our regular driver is off and there is no biscuit . Orso doesn 't understand why not every delivery person that comes to our door is as prepared to meet a happy hungry lab . I guess I should keep a stash of dog treats by the door so if someone comes empty - handed I can save the day . Orso - Spokesdog for UPS , has a ring to it don 't you think ? Share this : FacebookRedditEmailTwitterPinterestTumblrPrintLinkedInGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Creative Writing , dog ownership , humor , short story Tagged dogs , labradors , pet ownership , short stories , walking , women , writing 3 Comments Posted on February 19 , 2017 by susank456 We almost brought another dog into our lives , almost . We were so close . Mitch saw an ad in the Saturday paper , " A lab / mastiff mix , 6 years old " and then the magic words , " FREE TO A GOOD HOME " . Mitch was hooked . Even though he knows , there is no such thing as free . Nothing is ever free . More importantly , Mitch has been the hold out , saying over and over , " Not another dog , yet . " But there it was , Mitch urging me to send an email , asking about the dog . I reminded him of our last experience with a " lab mix " . As much as I loved Charlie , he was always a bit off . We were " on guard " with him always , because he was animal aggressive and sometimes very explosive . So , I called his bluff , I sent an email , asking how big he was , did he get along with other dogs , etc . The ad said he was good with cats and children , but didn 't mention dogs . I got a response , that yes , he was good with other dogs , they had three other dogs , four cats and four children . A very full house . He also weighed a hundred pounds , so a good size match for Orso . Now I was curious as to why if they had three other dogs , four cats and four children , why was this dog singled out to be kicked to the curb . Why not get rid of the cats ? Four cats to one dog , seemed like a fair trade . I sent the question back , " why are you trying to find a home for this dog ? " I phrased it very diplomatically , instead of saying , " why are you getting rid of this one , as opposed to one of the others ? " I wanted to know the real reason for the ad . What was wrong with him ? Was he a biter , a fighter , what ? Why was this one getting the boot ? Because the answers would determine our next step . I was still very gun shy about getting back into a situation where Orso would be victimized ever again . We were straddling the fence , not sure which side to fall on , dog or no dog . I almost called our best friends to ask what we should do , but I already knew their answer , " Get the dog . " They have three medium to large size dogs , and are not unbiased . By the time we went to bed , we had decided that no we would pass on the dog . No dog yet . Her email response came in the morning . The answer was not what I expected at all . The owner had gotten the dog as a puppy and now after six years had to give him up because she had to move to an apartment wouldn 't take dogs , especially large dogs , so she took him to her friend , who promised to look for a great home for him . The friend had placed the ad , with three other dogs , four cats and four children already had a full house . After reading her email , I was ready to get in the car , drive to wherever he was and bring him home on the spot . Sanity returned and I waited for Mitch to wake up . We talked some more , pros and cons , talking ourselves out of the dog , then back into the dog . I finally sent an email back asking if we could meet with Orso to see how they might interact . I got a response saying that was a great idea and when could we get there . I asked if noon would work and waited for her response . The reply came back letting us off the hook - sort - of . The owner was not handling the separation well and asked her friend if they would keep him for two weeks , until she either found another place or could win over her landlord . But could they keep our email , " just in case . " My heart went out to the woman and her dog , because I know how I would feel if I were forced with the same decision . I answered back that of course , they could keep our email address , and that I understood completely . I even offered to " foster the dog " for the woman if she wanted to on a short or long term basis , if the need arose . We almost fell down the rabbit hole , not quite , but we 're teetering . Posted on December 27 , 2016 by susank456 Many years ago , Mitch gave me a hand - me - down parka that someone at his work had out grown . It is a long knee length winter parka with a zip in liner , and is quite warm . It is water proof with a hood and lots of pockets , and reflector strips to be seen in the dark , making it perfect for walking Orso in the dark and hiking when it 's cold . I 'm not sure how old it is , but I can say that I have gotten at least ten or more years of wear out of it . The down side to the parka is that it has one of those double zippers on it , you know the ones I 'm talking about . The ones that you can zip up closed and at the bottom of the hem , you can zip up toward the collar to unzip to an open jacket . I have always hated that part of the parka , because the double zipper is always harder to catch at the bottom , making it more difficult to zip up . Oh , I know the theory behind it , to be able to unzip the coat to get to a pocket or to go pee without removing the coat , but I would just wait until I was somewhere warm to heed the call of nature . Over the years , the zipper has gotten weaker , making it harder to get shoved down into the second zipper sometimes . Usually that happens when I 'm in a hurry or Orso is impatient , making it take longer to get outfitted and out the door . This morning everything was going just fine , I put on my sweatshirt and hat , then put on the parka and zipped it up , donned my gloves and hooked up Orso to his harness and off we went on our pre - dawn walk . The walk was going along smoothly when I started feeling a chill on my thighs and stomach . I looked down and saw that my parka was wide open flapping in the breeze . Upon closer inspection , I saw that the zipper on the bottom had let go and my parka was unzipping itself from the bottom up . I tried to reconnect the zipper and zip it up to meet the top zipper but that didn 't work . Then I tried to unzip the top zipper to meet the bottom of the zipper where it had stopped at open , but that didn 't work either . So , in an act of desperation , I zipped the top zipper back up all the way and pulled the two sides of my parka together in one hand to try and keep it closed until I could get back home . When I got back home , I struggled with the zipper trying to get the upper zipper unzipped far enough to force the lower zipper down . That didn 't work either , I had only gotten the upper zipper unzipped down about three inches from the top and the lower zipper had unzipped itself up the rest of the way to meet the upper zipper . I stood there thinking about how I was going to the parka off . Panic was starting to set in . I had to get it off and get in the shower to get ready for work . I couldn 't just stand there all day in a parka that was more unzipped than zipped but wouldn 't come off . Have you ever tried to pull a knee length parka off over your head with an opening of about five inches and not rip off your nose ? It 's not easy let me tell you . Share this : FacebookRedditEmailTwitterPinterestTumblrPrintLinkedInGoogleLike this : Like Loading . . . Posted in Creative Writing , dog ownership , Dogs , humor , short story Tagged dogs , humor , labradors , parka , satire , short stories , walking , women , writing , zippers 8 Comments Posted on December 18 , 2016 by susank456 Once again Orso strikes . Thanks to Orso , we can cross another couple off the list of potential friends here . You ask how could that be ? How could Orso keep us from making friends ? He 's such a sweet dog , super friendly and loves everyone , man and dog alike . Well that 's part of the problem . He wants to be friends with every dog out there , small or large , he doesn 't discriminate . But not all dogs want to be his friend . His size is very intimidating to a lot of dogs he meets . Today I took him on our afternoon walk and about halfway through our route , three of our neighbors caught up with us walking their dogs . One of the dogs is an older dog that is nice enough , but has no interest in being playmates . She is just happy to plod along for a while then turn back . As long as I stay between Orso and her owner with her on the outside , we are good , no snaps or snarls . Orso has learned to give her a wide berth . The problem was the other couple and their dog . They are a nice couple with a smaller female black lab , probably weighing in around sixty pounds or so , making her about forty - five pounds lighter than Orso and much lower to the ground . The husband was super friendly , talkative and kept loving on Orso marveling at size of his head . I thought Orso 's head size matched his body size , all were big . I just shrugged and shook my head . The man let his dog off the leash and let her run , causing Orso to feel short changed , so against the inner voice in my head telling me that this was going to end badly , I let him off the leash too . The man started encouraging his dog to play with Orso , revving Orso in the process . So Orso obliged running at the smaller dog knocking her down and rolling her across the road on her back . She growled and cried at the same time . I rushed forward to grab Orso and hook him back up on the leash , so the man could get to his dog . She stood up and limped around lifting her right front leg and not putting any weight on it . I thought , great , Orso has maimed their dog . I can only imagine what the vet bill will be . May I can turn around and run away , quickly . Maybe they don 't know where we live . That thought only lasted a moment , because everybody knows where we live . I apologized profusely over and over . The man assured me she was fine and that it was his fault encouraging them to play , but I still felt terrible . And I knew deep down , they would blame us , having a dog that was such a brute . So , as soon as I could gracefully turn around , I said good - bye and walked home as quickly as possible . Trying to put as much space between us as possible . Poor Orso , he just doesn 't realize how big he is and even at ten and a half years old , he has the energy level of a much younger dog . I have to find him a dog that is bigger than he is to play with , because I don 't make enough money to pay for emergency vet bills . And at this rate , word will spread about the big brown hulk and we 'll have to move again . Posted on November 20 , 2016 by susank456 That completely describes Orso in one word . Ten years old and still a big dope that acts like a two - year - old puppy . He is the one dog I didn 't want . I didn 't want to go see him , I didn 't want to add another dog to the mix . We had two dogs at the time , AJ , our black lab , a super sweet beautiful dog with a steamer trunk full of issues and Charlie , our half breed , half chocolate lab and half German shorthair , who was animal aggressive and a bit unstable . We had just gotten the two dogs settled into a routine and everyday life was going along fairly smoothly without any episodes for a while which was all I wanted , quiet and boring . Then one day Mitch came home and said that a coworker had a son who had a dog that he needed to get rid of . The dog was a nine - month - old chocolate lab , purportedly with papers and he wanted to " just go take a look see " . I said absolutely not , we had just gotten to a point in our lives that things were settled and quiet , the dogs were happy and content . I didn 't want to upset any balance in our lives . I knew what would happen if we went . I knew without a doubt once I set eyes on a puppy he would be in the back of the station wagon headed home with us . That was why I fought it so hard and still I lost . We drove up and as soon as our car pulled into the driveway and this ninety - five pound brown clumsy puppy came bounding out of the garage I knew that it was last time that dog would ever sleep in that garage . We loaded him up and took him home . His name was Rebar , which I thought was a stupid name for a dog and that it was getting changed right away . I liked the word orso , which is Italian for bear , and I think it suits him just perfectly . Orso has always been a big dumb beau hunk , falling over his feet and mine , getting in the way , knocking me down and always sporting a big goofy smile on his face . We didn 't get any papers as they were reportedly lost , so we had to take it on faith that he is actually a Labrador Retriever , though at the time we suspected there was a Saint Bernard lurking around in there because Orso was and still is one giant drool machine . He can sling drool as high as seven feet and with enough velocity to knock a fly out of the air if it gets in the way . He wasn 't much of a hunting dog , preferring to walk behind me and let me knock down the brush to clear a path for him . And as far as the term " Water Dog " goes , Orso would rather ride in a boat feeling the wind on his face than get wet swimming . He got interested in birds , but instead of pheasants Orso prefers to flush robins , sparrows and his arch nemesis , crows . Out here crows are proliferate , with large numbers banding together to swoop down and walk around searching for food . It 's not unusual to see three or four crows walking around together just a few yards away from us . This makes Orso crazy that these large birds would totally dismiss him as irrelevant and not fly away . He has taken to stalking them on leash then at the right moment Orso will stand up on his hind legs and give them a loud woof to try and make them fly . Because that is so effective the birds fly a short distance then shout back at him . Posted on October 9 , 2016 by susank456 Today we went on a quick hike at Fort Steilacoom . The place is a bit deceiving at first glance . As we pulled into the parking lot I was disappointed . There were baseball diamonds , soccer fields , a playground and a paved walking trail . I thought here we go again , another boring " unscenic " walking path . Where were the vistas ? We walked along on the path and noticed some people off in the distance that were not on the paved path . We cut across the field and found some dirt trails that led us off into the woods . The deeper we got into the woods , the more serene and beautiful it got . We plan on going back in the future to do more extensive exploring . |
I was dragging my butt , getting out of bed . I rolled over and was on all fours , looking toward the bathroom . I looked at the clock , quarter past eight . God , my ass hurt . I reached back behind me and felt it , it was still there , but God it took a pounding most of the night . I smiled at the visions rolling through my head , remembering everything I did to keep Steve going , working him over and over , getting him back up . Honestly , I don 't know how he even managed to get out of bed this morning . I hoped he was okay at work today . I got off the bed and went into the bathroom , turning on the light . I looked in the mirror . I jumped at the sight of myself . Jeez , talk about bedhair ! I looked like the Wildman of Borneo , or had just come out of some cave . I scared myself , holy shit . And speaking of that , my mouth tasted terrible . I brushed my teeth , and then used the toilet . I turned on the shower , looking at this little phone booth , and said NO , no more ! I shut the water off and went to the other bathroom . I turned that one on and stepped in , having more room , to turn , get my hair wet , oh yeah , it was almost luxury compared to the other one . Okay , stupid ! Problem number one : No soap or shampoo . Turn the water off . Problem number two : No towel , dipshit ! Okay , with no coffee , what can I say ? I climbed out dripping wet and went to the other bathroom . I grabbed a towel , soap , and my bottle of shampoo and went back and started this all over again . I reveled in the larger shower . Doorbell . Fuck ! I shook my head . Doorbell . I let out a scream . I left the water going , got out and walked dripping wet to the door and opened it and walked away , going back to the shower . " Uh , hello ? " Came a voice from behind me . I froze halfway down the hall . I turned slowly and saw a man standing in the entryway . " Are you Kevin ? " " Uh , yes I am . I thought you the neighbor . . . I 'm sorry , can I help you ? " I asked , totally naked and dripping wet . He held out his hand , looking me up and down . " WHAT ? They were suppose to call to arrainge a time for installation . " I blurted out . " No one called me . I have to get the furniture moved out and . . . " " Yeah , I was . I thought you were the neighbor coming over for coffee , as she always does in the morning . I 'm sorry , " Realizing my nakedness all of a sudden . " I 'm gonna . . . " I said pointing back over my shoulder . " No , it 's totally our fault . Sounds like we got our wires crossed somehow . I apologize for barging in like this . " He said , looking at the floor . " No , no . I 'm sorry for snapping . " I stepped back toward him , to get the door closed , when out of the blue , Evie came bouncing up the step and into the house . " Morning , Evie . Evie , this is Cal , he 's with the carpet company . " Evie shook his hand , looking him up and down . She looked over at me , and rolled her eyes . " Honestly , Kevin . Can you ever answer the door with clothes on ? What are you thinking ? What were you doing ? " I tried to say something , but she was on it this morning . I held up my hand . She stopped . " Evie , coffee . " I said , pointing toward the kitchen . " Me , shower . " Thumbing to myself . " You , show Cal . " I turned and walked back down the hallway , I could feel the two of them watching me . I pulled back the curtain and stepped back into the lukewarm water , finishing my shower . They were there , talking about what had to be moved and so on , as I grabbed clothes . I walked into the bathroom and got dressed and dealt with my hair . Wow , I was looking human . I brushed my teeth , again , and hung up the towel . I walked back into the bedroom . They both looked at me . " Sure . It 's in the kitchen . " I answered . We all walked out and into the kitchen . He picked up the phone and dialed , while Evie poured coffee . " Yes , mom . " I said , taking my coffee , sipping at it . Now , I was feeling more human . We listened to what Cal was saying on the phone . Whoever he was talking to , was giving him all the right answers . Cal gave the phone the address to the house , and then hung up . He smiled at us , as Evie handed him his coffee . " I 'll have a complete crew here in about a half hour . " He said . My stomach flipped . I didn 't know how I was going to move all this furniture by myself . " Let 's have our coffee , and then we can start to move everything out of the house . " I was relieved , I was going to have help . We chatted about the carpet and what it 's installation was going to take and how long . Cal was asking about the entryway . I told him I didn 't want it carpeted . He nodded and suggested a wood floor . He had some left over from another job and had it in the truck outside . He went to get a piece , leaving Evie and I alone . " Now , Evie . " I said , " You have to think of Brian . " I winked at her . She rolled her eyes at me , as Cal came back in . He showed me the piece and I liked it , a hardwood strip , that was dark , like an oak . He said it was a mahogany . If I wanted it , he could add it to the bill , or I could pay for it and the installation today . I said , I could pay today if it went in . We shook on it . Before long , everything was being pulled out of the house . Most of it went into the garage , some thing went out on the patio . As we were getting toward my bedroom , I stripped the sheets and took them out and started the washer , as they were trashed from last night . The crew arrived , and the chaos started . Soon , what carpet we had in the house was stripped out and gone , the underfloor was cleaned , and the new pad was brought in and layed out . As soon as one room was padded , the carpet went down , half the crew working on the pad , the other on the carpet . I watched as the entryway was pulled up , that old scuffed up floor , and the new hardwood went down . Evie was in hog heaven , watching all of these guys butts , crawling all over the floor , most of them were actually pretty good looking . I pulled her out and went to find Cal . I told him , we were going to town to get lunch for the crew , and would be right back . He smiled and said he would keep an eye on things . I felt I could trust him . Evie and I took off and went to this deli she knew . We placed an order for tons of food for these guys , and then we went to the bank . I went in and cashed a check , to pay for the floor . We drove back , pulling in , setting down all the food and drinks we had bought there on the counter . I was amazed at how much they had done . The only room left to do was the back spare bedroom . It was incredible , and that new carpet smell , just can 't be beat . I knew I would have to call my Mom and tell her . The new entryway was stunning , but with that old shabby door , yeah , I had to do something with that . Cal walked up to me as the crew was Devouring what we had brought . They were careful to stay in the kitchen area , and not drop on the new carpet . Cal and I talked for a few minutes . I told him I just couldn 't be happier with what they were doing . After their lunch , some of the crew went and lay carpet in the bedroom , while the others went and started to pull furniture in , as a couple of the guys were vacuuming with huge vacuums . They would ask me where to place things , and I just pointed , directing traffic like a cop . It was fun . By two , they were done . I shook each of their hands , thanking them as they were leaving . Cal was the last to go , I paid him in cash for the floor and gave some extra for a good job as a tip . He shook my hand , and then , why , I don 't know I gave him a hug . He laughed and patted my shoulders . He turned and gave Evie a handshake and then one of his cards . She smiled and giggled . I took Evie by the hand and we walked around the house together , looking at all of the rooms , one by one . I loved the carpet , and how it looked . We walked back into the dining room , which in my opinion was the best looking room of the house . The bare walls needed something , and it was so big . It was actually the same size as the living room . I let out a deep breath , Evie rested her head against my shoulder , I put an arm around her waist . " Of course , Evie . " I turned and hugged her . " It 's like , you 're the big sister I never had . It means a lot to me . " " Let me go put the sheets in the dryer . I 'll meet you next door . " I turned and walked into the garage and loaded the dryer , setting the timer . I walked back into the house , hearing the phone ring . I walked over and picked it up . " Hello ? Yes , this is Kevin . Mrs . Herrington , yes I remember , how are you ? . . . I am fine , thank you . No , I was just doing some laundry . . . really . . . really ? . . . well , Mrs . Herrington , I would love to . Yes , I will be sure and do that . . . " Evie walked back in the door , obviously looking for me . " . . . so , you want me when ? Let me write all this down , yes . . . okay . . . okay . . . yes , I 've got it . Yes , Mrs . Herrington , I certainly will , and thank you so much for calling . Yes , I 'll be there . Bye , now . " I hung up the phone , and threw my arms up into the air . Evie was staring at me , smiling as I danced in a circle . " Come on , grocery store , now . Oh , and Evie , I need to buy your car . " I said , pulling her out the door . She knew exactly what I meant , she was squealing as the door shut behind us . Grocery store run over . Evie and I went in and started to put dinner together . The butcher at the store , gave me some recipe cards , and then I saw it and I knew what I wanted to cook . With Evie 's help , it was well under way . We talked while we were cooking . We noticed the time , and I poured some iced tea for us . I went and got the sheets out and made the bed . Everything was just about perfect . I had about an hour I figured before Steve came home . I was so excited . I had so much to show him , to tell him . Evie and I had plans to go car shopping tomorrow for her . She knew what she wanted , but didn 't know if she was ready yet for it . Women , trying to make up their minds , ugh ! ! Seeing that everything was ready to go , she finished her tea and gave me a kiss on the cheek . I gave her a hug and she went home . She was such a good friend . I enjoyed her company , and now that I was going to work , I would miss spending time with her . I checked the clock again , down to about a half hour . I started the oven . I set the table , the new dining room . I went out back and cut fresh flowers for the table , arrainging them in a bowl . I heard the oven buzzer go off . I went in and put my Cordon Bleu in . I set the timer for fourty five minutes . I tossed a small salad and put it in the fridge . I filled a pot with a little water and put it on the stove . I grabbed the steamer rack and set in the pot , getting the water going . This time I heard the door open , and I spun around . Steve stopped at the entry , looking around . He looked back outside , then stepped out , looking up at the entry of the house . " Yeah , this is my house , or at least , I think it is . " I walked over toward him , slowly , smiling . " Yeah , there 's the love of my life , my beautiful guy . It must be the right place . " I was smiling wider , holding my hands together in front of me . I felt like I was going to scream with excitement . He chuckled . " Not as busy as yours , obviously . I don 't know whether to strip here or outside and then come in . " I laughed out loud , getting closer to him . " How ? When ? Was I asleep at the wheel or something ? " " Kevin , honey , stop . " Steve walked up to me . " Just let me take it in . It just looks so . . . different . Wow , I 'm amazed . " He said , as he looked down the hall , and then toward the living room . " Well , the kitchen sucks now , doesn 't it ? Guess that 'll be next , huh ? " " Uh , no , babe . Bathroom first . New shower , remember ? " Steve grinned and nodded . He knelt down and ran his hand over the new carpet . I could tell he liked it , but he turned his attention to the entryway , and the new hardwood . He ran his hand over it , feeling its smoothness . He looked at me . " Oh , sweetie . You have really good taste , expense taste , but good taste . How could I not like it ? Look at what you 've done , and in one day ? " " Not to worry . " I said softly , kissing his cheek . " It really wasn 't that much . And Mom took care of the pad . The only extra was the hardwood and the installation for it . " " Now , you hold on there , mister . " I said , standing and going back to the kitchen . I checked the water , adding the broccoli in the steamer rack . I covered it up with the lid . " I think it 's only fair that I pay my way as well , and this is something I wanted to do , for you . After all , you surprised me with the new furniture , so turnabout is fair play . Now , dinner will be ready in a few minutes . You go and take a shower and I 'll have it on the table . " Dinner was ready , and I served it on the table , arrainging a platter with the chicken and the broccoli . I set the salad out , and poured tea . Steve returned a couple of minutes later in his shorts . He hugged me tight , kissing me softly . He pulled away and we sat at the table . He ate like he hadn 't eaten in a week . I was amazed at how much . There was absolutely nothing left at all . I cleared the table and started to do dishes . I washed and he dried . I quietly told him about the job . His mouth was wide open . He had a million questions about it and what I was going to do . I gave him as much information as I could , without really know all the details myself , I was really only guessing . He seemed a little upset about it , but said he wasn 't . I told him about the car . He gave me a price to give to Evie . It seemed fair , but really , I didn 't know . I trusted his judgement . He said it would be nice to have another car here . We could park it in the garage to keep it nice . He kissed me , long and passionately after the dishes were done . After , I asked if he was upset , but he said no , that everything goes forward in life , we had too as well . He just didn 't seem that happy to me . It was still fairly early , but he wanted to go to bed , to sleep . I understood as last night , with all the pounding we did . I knew my butt could sure use a rest . I locked up the house , and joined him in the bedroom . He pulled back the sheet and climbed in . He turned on his side , toward the bathroom . I shut the light off and got undressed . I walked into the bathroom and brushed my teeth . I came back in and climbed in next to him . He patted my butt on top of the sheet . I was awake before the alarm . I sat up , having had a really bad dream . I rubbed my eyes , and looked over at the clock . Three minutes before the alarm , wow . Ton of stuff to do today . Bank , car shopping , clothes shopping , motor vehicles , insurance . Ton of stuff ! I climbed out of bed and went and made coffee . I came back , after Steve had hit the snooze button . I went into the bathroom , peed , and then brushed my teeth . I walked back in and grabbed my shorts , slipping them on . I wanted to do some laundry today . I might as well get that going . I grabbed the clothes and headed to the garage . I loaded the machine and came back in hearing the perculator churning , it was smelling good . I went to the sink and pulled out a couple of cups and set them on the counter . I saw Steve walk down the hall and into view . I smiled at him , he smiled briefly back at me . " I wish I could . Have to go and move equipment to another job today . I might be home early . Just depends on how the day goes . " " You 're trying so hard , aren 't you ? I love you , Kevin . " He kissed me softly . " Whatever you make , I know I 'll enjoy . Dinner last night was fantastic , by the way . Thank you , so much . " He picked up my chin with a thumb . " Quit trying . I have you here , with me . I am happy , very happy . It 's all gonna work out , I know it is . Let 's just be ourselves , and love each other , and quit trying so damned hard , it 's gumming up the works . Okay ? " " I love you more . " He kissed me gently , turned and walked out the door , waving his fingers at me . I smiled softly as it shut . I turned , letting a tear fall down my cheek . I was right , he IS upset . I poured my first cup of coffee , and sat on the stool , thinking . I just can 't blow this , I have to be careful and not blow this . I sipped my coffee slowly , and then saw the predawn light come through the dining room window . Gotta get those curtains going , I thought . Running out of time . Laundry . I got up and walked into the garage . The machine was just now done . I moved them to the dryer and turned it on , and then started another load . I went into the house , going to the bedroom , and made the bed . With time to kill before Evie came over , I scrubbed the ' phone booth ' down , then cleaned the toilet and the counter , scrubbing the sink . I mopped the floor . Then went in and poured another cup of coffee . I walked out back and watered the flower beds , pulling a few weeds , staying on top of it , the flowers were producing tons now . I pulled the dead blooms off and put them in the can , then went back into the house and grabbed the laundry . I took it to the bedroom , and folded it up and put it away in the big dresser . Doorbell . I put on a shirt and went and answered it . I let Evie in and fixed her coffee for her . We sat on the stools and read the paper together . After we were done , we folded the paper . I had held out the classifieds for her . There were some cars ads on the back page . We looked them over together . We saw one dealership that interested her , she was looking for a Honda . Something economical , sporty , but not too fast . She had a ton of tickets . I told her I needed to shower and finish the laundry , She said she wanted to change as well and that we could leave in a couple of hours . She touched my arm with her hand . I looked at her . " It 's the new carpet . I know he 's upset that I spent money on the house . He says I 'm trying to damn hard . " I sat there , almost in a crumple , tears streaming . " I 'm scared , Evie . I don 't want him to be mad at me or to lose him because I 'm stupid . " She grabbed me and pulled me to her , hugging me tight , stroking my hair with her hand . " Oh , that big , stupid jerk . He 's only upset because he didn 't do it first . You 're trying to make a home out of this . . . sex filled . . . ' bachelor pad ' . Do you remember when you first walked in here ? What it looked like ? Why , I was almost ashamed to be his neighbor , it was such a dump . Now look , you have single handedly turned it around . He 's such a clod ! Oh , that man ! And , I 'll tell you what he 's probably more upset about , and that 's you getting a job ! It means he 's losing his house - maid . You forget , I know him , and how he thinks . Oh , he 's such a jerk ! He wants you to be here , and not do anything but be here for him . Probably wanting you to take his boots off for him , too ! " " That 's just it , Kevin . You don 't think , you react . He 's going with it . You have your whole life in front of you , and he wants it to here inside these walls , waiting for him . He 's in a rut , going to work every day , coming home . Have you noticed how he doesn 't talk much ? " I nodded . " That 's because he 's in a rut , his own little world , that he 's built right here . You need to do what you want to do . Now , if that 's just being the house - maid , well then , do your best . " She got off the stool , leaving me . " You 're right . " I said softly , wiping my eyes with the backs of my hands . " I have to do something more about my life . " She came around and hugged me again . I hugged her back . " I 'll be back in a while . You pull yourself together and get ready to go . " She said , giving me a kiss on the forehead . I smiled briefly . She walked out the door . I got up and went out to the dryer . I pulled the laundry out and took it into the bedroom . I folded it up and put it away with the other load from before . I went to the other bathroom and turned on the shower . I walked into the bedroom and then the bathroom and grabbed my towel , walked back in the other bathroom and dropped my clothes . I stepped in and let the water run over me . I took my time , washing myself and my hair . I shut off the water and grabbed the towel , drying myself . I walked out , hanging up the towel . I was going to make this my bathroom . I was resolved to change things , small as they might be , it was a start . I grabbed my old clothes and walked into the bedroom , pulling out some new clothes , and slipping on underwear , for the first time , since we had gotten together . Jeez , they were tight and confining . I finished getting dressed , and gathered all of my things , checkbook , bank book , and walked out of the bedroom . I unplugged the coffee pot and rinsed it out . I grabbed my key and walked out the door . Evie drove this time , God she was a scary driver , weaving in and out of traffic , talking , radio blaring . I was white knuckled the whole way and actually relieved when she parked the car . She gave me a look , like , WHAT ? I took the keys away from her and scowled . It 's a wonder she wasn 't dead yet . I put the keys in my pocket . We had arrived at the first lot . She looked around and didn 't see anything she really liked . We left and went to the next one down the road , I parked . She scanned the lot from the car , not getting out . She didn 't see anything there either . I drove on . The next lot was more promising . She got out of the car , and I followed her . The salesman walked up and began to talk to me , not to her . I thought it was rude . He was an older man , maybe fourty something , with a pot belly . He was wearing a really ugly tie that was loud . You couldn 't help staring at it , it was so ugly . " So , you and the little misses car looking for a family car , huh ? " He leaned close to me . His aftershave was very potent . I almost gagged . " Got a bun in the oven ? " He said softly , gently elbowing my ribs , winking . " Thank you . " She said , as she walked by him . " We 'll be back , if I don 't find what I 'm looking for . " Off to the car , again . We drove near my bank , so I stopped and we went in . I walked up to one of the desks and asked for some help . The lady recognized me and asked me to wait a minute . She called over to another desk with the phone , and the man that I had dealt with before came over , smiling , and shook my hand . I explained what I wanted to do , about a cashiers check . He smiled and motioned us to his desk . In a few minutes , Evie had a cashiers check in her hand for the car . She smiled at me , over the amount . It was the amount that Steve had suggested and she was pleased . We stood , shaking his hand , and then walked out . Evie hugged me in the parking lot . We drove to motor vehicles and waited a little in line , getting the vehicle tranferred to my name . I was screaming inside , now truly owning my first car . I could go anywhere , do anything I wanted . The feeling of freedom , is was so good . We went shopping for clothes for my new job . There was a mens store not far from motor vehicles . We went in and looked around . I had noticed how some of the people were dressed at the store I was going to be working in , and I wanted to look nice . We picked out a few things and I tried them on . Evie kept bringing new items and looking me over when I walked out try something new on . She would have me turn around , walk for her a little , and then tell me yes or no . After a while of this , there was quite a collection , a yes area , and a no area . We finally gathered the yes group and went and paid for it all . We loaded it in the car , and drove off to the store I would be working at . We walked in , looking around . I wanted a few things to decorate the house with . We looked more at wall art , and small tables , vases , and such . I picked out a few things for the dining room , took them to a register in that department , and paid for them . Those items were loaded in the car , and I took Evie out to lunch . We stopped at the little Italian place Steve and I had been to . The older man in the white apron remembered me , asking how my birthday was . I smiled and said it was good . We ordered and soon lunch was brought to us . Evie and I talked about the car . I told her she could have it whenever she wanted it , that we could work out a schedule , she could take me to work , pick me up , until she found what she wanted to buy . She thanked me , as long as I kept it in my garage . I laughed . We went to the grocery store and picked up things for dinner . She saw Brian , who smiled at her , and talked to her for a few minutes in an aisle as I filled the basket more . She came up to me , findin me in another aisle , smiling . I smiled back at her . " Well , I would to if I had had that much sex the first night . " I whispered . Her eyes went so wide , and her mouth fell open . She slapped my arm . " OW ! " I said , looking around . " He said I wore him out . " She giggled . " He said he couldn 't go into work the next day cause he could barely walk . " I chuckled , thinking of my sore butt . I knew how he felt . " Well , that 's good . " I winked at her . " See ? It keeps ' em coming back for more " I wiggled my eyebrows at her . " A cute one , yeah " I wiggled my eyebrows again . We walked up to the register . The clerk kept smiling at me , ringing everything up . I smiled back at her , briefly . Brian came up and bagged everything and then wanted to walk it out for us . I started to say no , but , Evie jumped in and said yes , batting her eyes . We followed him out , chatting . Soon , we we 're all laughing . I liked him , even though he was younger than me , but not by much , he seemed very smart . Evie was smiling from ear to ear , looking at him with total lust , as he was bent over in the back of the car . I elbowed her , shaking my head . We waved and drove out of the parking lot , heading for the house . Once , there we pulled in the driveway , and then unloaded everything . Evie put the groceries away , I put my new clothes on the bed , sticking my bank book in the dresser drawer . I started to decorate with the things that I had bought . My focus was on the dining room , as you saw it first , walking in the front door . I moved the pictures around , back and forth . Evie only watched me from the kitchen . Finally , I made up my mind , and hung the three that I had purchased . Evie said everything looked good . She said she was going home to get ready for Brian . She wanted to make him something to eat . I smiled . I looked at the time , it was a little after three . Where the hell had the day gone ? I started to get dinner ready . I went out back and cleaned the hibatchi , then poured charcoal in it . I went back into the kitchen and got the prep going . I pulled everything out and started to cut up vegetables for shish - ka - bobs . I was about done when I heard the front door open , and then close . I didn 't look over my shoulder , I just kept going . " It was alright . Got everything moved to another location to start tomorrow . It 's closer to home , so I won 't be leaving as early . " " Yeah . " I turned and finally looked at him , with a blank stare . " Is it alright there ? It 's not in the way , is it ? " " Good . I 'm going to go get cleaned up . I 'll be back in a few minutes . " He walked down the hallway and out of sight . I sighed heavily . I finally got everything prepped and put it back in the fridge . I made more tea , and then refilled the pitcher . He returned and I poured him some over ice , handing him the glass . He smiled and sipped at it . " That 's really good . " He leaned against the counter , wearing his shorts and a tee . " So , what 's with all the clothes on the bed ? " " They 're for the new job . Didn 't you notice how everyone was dressed when we were there ? " He shook his head , looking at me . Why was Evie right ? I thought . " Well , I wanted to get them , so it 's not last minute , down to the wire . " He only nodded . " Okay , are you ever going to talk to me ? " I blurted out , getting a little angry . " Yes , you told me to quit trying so hard . Well , okay , I 'll quit trying . You said you loved me . Well , I love you too . But , you 're not telling me everything . " He turned his gaze away . " See ? Right there . Why won 't you talk to me ? ! " He turned on me , getting in my face , looking angry . I stood my ground , glaring back at him . " Alright ! I don 't want you to take the job ! HAPPY ? ! ! You don 't need to take the job ! We have everything we need right here . I make good money , and you , by the grace of God , have been given money ! We don 't need anything else ! " " WE ? ! OR YOU ? ! Cause I think it 's just you ! " I couldn 't believe I was screaming at him . " That 's right , isn 't it ? ! Haven 't you thought about what I might want in my life ? ! Oh , sure , it 's fine to sit here and play ' house ' , waiting for you to walk in the door , being the good little ' wife ' ! But , you haven 't even given it any thought at all . HAVE YOU ? ! " I took a deep breath . I could see out of the bottoms of my eyes , his fists balling up , but he didn 't move . " Maybe , I want to go to school . Maybe , I want to have a career . " I had lowered my voice a little , trying to compose myself , as we were still eye to eye . " What about it ? Are you saying that I can 't have any of that ? " I waited . He said nothing , just glared at me . " Fine ! You want it that way ? You want to keep it inside of you , not talk ? You can do it by yourself ! " I walked around him , going down the hallway . I went into the bedroom , grabbed my bag out of the closet , threw a few clothes in it , grabbed my bank book out of the drawer . I turned around , and he was standing there , in the doorway . His look was glassy . I couldn 't tell what he was thinking ? " NO ! I 'm not running home to mommy ! I don 't need it , don 't want it ! " I walked to the doorway , he was blocking it . " Get out of my way . " I snarled . " No , not going there either . GET OUT OF MY WAY ! " I pushed an arm , past him , flattened out and got by him . I went to the front door , opened it , and started out . Evie came running around the corner , I walked past her and got into the car . She watched me for a minute as I backed out of the driveway , and then took off down the street . Evie turned and walked up to the house , glaring at Steve . " Bullshit ! " She yelled . " It 's just like Mitch , isn 't it ? " Steve turned on her , glaring . " All Kevin is doing is wanting to make you happy . He got the job so you don 't have to work so hard . He 's trying to make a home with you , make it comfortable for you both . " She slugged his thick shoulder . " And , you , you big stupid jerk , you won 't even talk to him . You think as long as you ' bring home the bacon ' , he 'll be happy . He wants to live WITH you , not live under you . Everything he does , he does for you . " She turned and took a step away from him , then turned back . She looked at him for a moment . , then slapped him , hard . " You just fucked up . You just let the best thing that will ever come along in your life , drive away . I feel sorry for you , VERY sorry . " She turned and walked away , then around the corner out of sight . Tears welled in Steve 's eyes . He put a hand to his cheek , rubbing it . He turned and walked in the house , closing the door . Single guy , fertile imagination , love to write , and write all kinds of things . Just changed the email to [ email protected ] I love to hear from you guys . Your criticism , comments , whatever is always appreciated . Have any ideas , let me know as well . Whatever I can do to help out . GayDemon uses cookies to ensure you get the best user experience . By using our service , you agree to our use of cookies . Please read our cookie policy for more information . / g , ' > ' ) ; l [ i ] . href = ' mailto : ' + t . value } } catch ( e ) { } } } catch ( e ) { } } ) ( document ) ; / * ]]> * / |
Posted on September 12 , 2016 by pir8chickk It was early the next morning I rose out of bed quietly . I grabbed a comb , a few knives , and my boots before seeking out the door and down the hall . Candice was always an early riser , and it was her I needed to talk to . " That 's the dress . " She said , " It 's mostly figureless , so you can conceal those weapons . This is the head dress . " She held out the two pieces , " This one goes on your head like a hood , and this one goes across your face , covering most of it . " " It 's my home too , Jowey . " Candice told me softly , " I don 't want it wrecked because of the King and his guards trying to find you or anyone else . If this helps I do it willingly . " I sighed and sat up . I really need to start waking up earlier . Most of the time she 's already left by then . But even the time I get up is still early . Guess it 's not compared to her . " Son , there are changes in crown going on in a few of our neighbouring countries . The king feels as though it 's time to attack them as the new king settles and expand his kingdom . He needs every man he can get . He sent an entire battalion up into the mountains not too long ago to look for a traitor , not a single one came back . They 're presumed dead . " He nodded slowly , " His name was Tracey . He was a good boy , very gentle , wouldn 't hurt a fly . And yet he was recruited . " I slowly crawled my way up the steep wall until I came to a specific window . It was the Window to the Princesses room . I was maneuvered in such a way that I could see into a part of the room , but they couldn 't see me . " You really are like your daddy . " I heard the princess giggle . She walked into my view holding something to her chest covered in blankets , " You must be hungry . " She said and began to undo the buttons of her dress . She pulled her breast out of her undergarment and the child began to suck . I was disgusted with myself . I had seen the child had purple hair . Hair just like paul 's . He had given her a child , and then he took me . " It 's alright . " He told her , I could have sworn he was smiling when he did , " I 've already made other arrangements about bringing him back . He should be here soon . " Posted on September 5 , 2016 by pir8chickk I stirred awake and blinked a few times to get the spots away from my eyes , I attempted to sit up , but a headache forced me back down . I glanced around the room . It was as I left it , except for Paul laying next to me shirtless he was on his side and had his head supported by his left hand . He was smiling at me tiredly . " You 're still gonna drink ? " Paul asked and stood up with me as I picked up another bottle on the floor . This one still had ale in it . " Wont leave . " I told him as I finished tying them up , " No one would expect it to be them , they won 't run . They 'll think I think it 's someone completely different . " He sighed frustrated as I picked up a few knifes and put them in their holsters . I also picked up one last bottle that was mostly full . I assumed it was the one I gave to Reggie , he was never big one ale . The crimson haired woman turned to look at me , looked for only a moment before receiving the promised dagger in her stomach . I walked up to her pulling out one that was serrated . I grabbed the front of her dress and made her look at me . " Take this as a warning . " I said as I marched up to the bar and started wiping the blood from the blades , " I wont hesitate to kill anyone who ever crossed me . Be you man or woman . I have no bias . Girls , go up to her room and take what you like of her belongings , find anything that I might like to see , letters , a journal , old books , what have you , bring them to me . Animal , I want you to take care of her body . " " Will do . " Animal grinned . He got the name as his battle style was as savage as one . I 'm sure everyone assumed he 'd have been the one to sell me out . We sparred regularly , and there was hardly a day that went by that he threatened to kill me . Everyone knew he never could . But he and I were on good terms , we just had one that revolved around fighting . The girls did as they were told , eager to go through her closet . Jessie always got first dibs of the cloths that everyone brought home saying she was the oldest so she had to be the first . Her cloths closets were overflowing more than my weapon one . " Birth records . " I told them and threw it down on her bed , " That means Jessie was used to hide something from someone . From now on nothing leaves this room that I don 't okay first . " I nodded , " The cloths you can still have , but I want to go through everything first . Is that fair ? Speak now or forever bite your tongue . " " What would you guys make of this ? " I asked as we looked over what we found . In total there was one birth record book , seven or eight books recording the reign of king Valkner , more than a dozen letters addressed to Jessie , and one medallion that didn 't belong . " King Valkner had a daughter . " He said , we all stared at him , " She was born just before Cyrus went into overthrow him . Says here , she was seven pounds two ounces . Black hair , eye colour - it 's smudged . " " It 's a start . " I said , " Valkner had a daughter , she 'd have been the princess of the country . But that leads to another question , did Cyrus over throw the king just for power or was there an actual reason behind it ? " " I also remember something he told us . " Alec said , " Baba told us about all those precious jewels he had . And about whoever had them would live in eternal happiness and prosper . But he also said that only one true to the royal blood could touch them , and the rest would die a slow and painful death . " " I remember a story I head while in a tavern not too far from the castle . " I said , " There once was an old king with not a child nor wife to give one . He brought in woman after woman to try their luck , not one had given him even a daughter , so he killed every last one . One after another women everywhere started to become scares on the streets in fear of being his next victim . One day in church the king cursed the heavens for not giving him even a wretched daughter to carry on his blood . A voice from heaven replied ' Thou art but being punished for thou 's sins , thou hadn 't been the king thy people needed . thou shalt now parish a untimly death . ' and at the snap of fingers the king fell in unbearable pain . A kind peasant boy brought him back to his hut to care for him . The king had actually recovered , and upon opening his eyes he found the boy in an empty hut , he was close to starving too . He asked him where his parents were . And he replied that his mother was sent to the king to try to give him a son , and his father was killed refusing to hand her over to the king . His heart was broken hearing that . He then thought of all that he 'd wronged . He went around the village and collected those orphans and brought them to the castle . He cared for and taught them . One day he fell ill again from another disease . But this time he died with all those he 'd cared for around him . Before he had died he gave that kingdom over to the boy who had saved him that day . And from the heavens another voice came saying he had atoned for his sins . and his body and soul were brought up to heaven . in his place on the bed where he lied there were millions of jewels and much gold . The children where told to protect it as it would give them the strength to run the country for as long as their blood existed . And with the help of each of them the kingdom prospered . Same time that guy was really drunk . " " It 's quite poor . " Reggie said , " Heavy taxes , lots of sickness , little food . The castle couldn 't be in better condition , but the villagers . " " Better than I had thought . " I told them , " What 's the shedual for the week ? " Today was Sunday , and every Sunday there was a lot that had to be done , one of the main things was find out what I was going to be doing all week . " Tomorrow there 's the Mushi meeting with the Saboy mayor at nine , Doflamingo agreed to talk to you about the mines and grenades at ten , and then you have lunch at eleven with Woopslap of the Windmill town . From one - three you 'll be at a rally for the specialty unit , also getting that new person in as a bug . Then your uncle wished for dinner with you at six . " Hawkins said . " In your planner . " He told me , " Tuesday you have the monthly Boss meeting at the temple . Wendsay is the Trades , business , and partners meeting , that will go all day . " " How ? " I asked him like a small child , " They aren 't going to be involved with any of this any more than they 've involved themselves as it is . I need them here , Benn . " " To keep me feeling things . " I told him , he instantly backed away , " I can 't stay in this giant place all alone anymore , I 'll go crazy . And they 'll make these empty halls , not so empty anymore . " " I 'd always run around and count the rooms when I was little , my father was out , and I wasn 't allowed out to play . " I told them , " 147 rooms . The place seemed so much smaller when he was alive . And now that he 's gone all this space seems suffocating . " " Would you please show them to their rooms and make them feel at home ? " I asked her , she nodded , I turned back to them , " I have appointments for the rest of today . Tomorrow and the next day I 'll have meetings , but I can have breakfast with you guys . I 'll try to find you when I have breaks in between . " " Yes , actually . " I told him , " We had just realized what little trade we had together . I wanted to be the first to make the effort bridge with you . " " You 'll have to forgive me . " I told him , " I 'm aware of the large amounts of wine , oil , and cloth you get from Water 7 , NewKomer , and Drum island . But I found almost no fish in your trades . " I smiled , " As a little girl I was fascinated with origami . I used all kinds of paper for it , but I loved parchment the most . And out of all the parchment , I liked the kind from Saboy the most . " " Alabasta . " I told him , " They use silk as paper to write on . We trade parchment for silk , they can make more and we gain a little more profit . " " There was a back up on the order I placed for certain parts . " He told me , " They managed to put a rush on bullets , guns , and flares . But gun powder is still so low right now . " " True . " I said opening a folder containing various papers , " But he made me head before he died . Even Black beard and Big Mama will tell you that , the old straw hat was on my head when he died . I was the head of the Red family before he died , you 're the one over stepping this contract . " He didn 't say anything as he hung up . I merely smirked and put the receiver back on the Mushi . I looked through a few of the paper 's before me . He shook his head , " This is more a thank you than anything . " He said , " Thanks to you buying that old oil factory our poverty has gone down , economy has gone up , our populate has grown a little more , and our trade is wonderful . And with the wine factory it 's even better . " " I was sent to the sweet family as a spy when I was small . " He told me , " Over the course of the years , we had become friends . Apparently I wasn 't annoying , and there weren 't too many our age over there . " " What may I offer him ? " I asked , " I hadn 't known about the spies until now . The only reason why I knew he existed was because he hung around Kidd , who hated me . " We embraced best we could . It had long ago stopped trying to tell everyone that they were just really tall . I had gotten my mother 's height , I wasn 't much taller than 5 ' 6 . . . . maybe . " You 're entitled to that . " he told me , " And with your shedual I don 't blame you . But you need to make room in your life for your family . " I smiled at him again , " He 's good guy . " I assured , " He 's not like all the other 's who 've sent proposals . In fact he hasn 't done anything but stand by my side . " I opened the door and went inside . I sighed knowing tomorrow I was going to have my first solo meeting with all of the Head 's . This might not be as pleasant as fighting , but I was pretty sure I would like it a lot more than Daddan tying my obie ' properly ' . " I understand . " He said and kissed me lightly as he picked me up off him and placed me gently next to him on the bed . I whimpered slightly at the loss of contact . He kissed my forehead affectionately , and stood up . I threw him his shirt from the floor , and his mask from the bathroom while tossing my cloths in the hamper . I threw my house coat on as he put his mask on . I quickly brushed my hair and put my torn panties in the bottom of my trash can . I then took all the sheets off my bed and bundled them up in one of my pillow cases . I picked it up and glanced at the clock before unlocking the door . I had a good fifteen minutes before Makino would be up . That should give me enough time to get rid of the evidence . I hurried down stairs to the laundry room before anyone could see me . I closed the door behind me and threw the sheets onto the treating table . I spread the ones that were stained out and got out bleach , a scrub brush , and some cleaning stuff that the maids would always use . " There was no problem . " I told her , " It 's just , last night , I - " How was I supposed to continue this sentence ? Makino was the mother figure I never really had growing up . And to lie to her face like this ? I was ashamed . She smiled brightly at me , " When you were still a child , you would get these terrible nightmares . Sometimes you would wake up screaming , others in a cold sweat , but one thing was for certain ; you would always wet the bed . " She informed holding back a giggle , " As you grew up your nightmares became less and less frequent , but you would still get them occasionally . " I remembered that nightmare after Makino had brought it up . It was always the same one over and over again . Oflux had done what he 'd done to me , but there was no one coming to rescue me this time . I shuttered to myself and forced those memories out of my head as I opened my bedroom door . I didn 't answer I just looked away . She sighed in frustration and pulled the cover off of a plate to reveal eggs , bacon , sausage , hashbrown , pancakes , a biscuit , a muffin , a cinnamon bun , and oatmeal . Along with that there was hot chocolate and orange juice . " Arigoto . " I said and walked to the table . There was a small round table on the other side of my bed closer to the balcony doors , It had two chairs , and when my father was alive he would always eat with me here when we had big things like this . She took away the empty trays and left . I went to the bathroom and quickly washed my face to get rid of the sticky syrup and frosting that I knew was around my mouth . I finished , fixed my sleeves , and grabbed my hat before leaving my room and making my way down to the court yard . I walked down the path towards the pond in the middle of the court yard . It was spring , all the trees were in bloom , and the pink petals of the sakura trees were fluttering down like snow on everything . It was a beautiful sight to behold . " I did not want to address you about this as the party , but I thought now would be a better time . " He told me , I nodded for him to continue , " Our queen , Kureha , wanted to be the one to speak with you about this . But she 's been quite busy with her subjects . " " Dalton - san . " I told him gently , " You are both an allie and a friend to me . You 've helped us out when we needed it . If there is anything I can do for you or Drum City , please , do not hesitate to ask me . I 'd be more than happy to help in any way I can . " He took a deep sigh , " Other places have cut us off . They refused to make anymore effort with us because of how high up in the mountains we are . Our people are beginning to starve . It 's embarrassing for me to ask , but - " Say no more . " I told him , " I 'll make arrangements for rations to be sent up immediately . And I 'll look into a safer way of transportation aswell . " " I have scientists in Punk Hazard working as we speak . They come up with amazing ideas that could greatly aid the daily lives of individuals , but we 've no place to assemble them . If you can get , Kureha - sama to say yes , I 'll supply Drum City with rations , and more jobs . " I explained . " A - arigoto , Ceerie - sama . " He said and bowed deeply , I could have sworn he was about to cry , " You have no idea how much this means . I 'm sure Kureha - sama will say yes too . " It was going closer to noon about then was when I caught sight of a man dressed in bright pink . I sighed to myself and finished my conversation with Spandam . I bowed to him and made my way up a small path to a stone bench under the largest cherry blossom tree in the court yard . Doflamingo was sitting on the far side as I approached him . " Isn 't it lovely ? " I asked him looking over the court yard . The bench had the best view over the entire court yard . It was lovely , especially with the beautiful pink petals decorating the entire place . " As a child , I was never really included in many of the Family events . " I told him , " I would sit here , and look out at all the people mingling and having fun when my father would have these . He would always meet me up here . And when I had a bad day at school I would sit here , he would come out and talk to me . " I shrugged , " At times . " I admitted , " But I know I can 't change what happened . What I know I can do is continue what he started , and hold on to the wonderful memories he went out of his way to make with me . " " I would like you accept this , Ceerie - san . " He said to me , in his hands he held a small , rectangular , gift wrapped box . It had orange and pink diagonal stripes , with a pink bow . " And I am overwhelmed . " I told him looking up at him , " You do not understand the amount of men that have made an attempt or suggestion for my hand . There are things I need to do before I can think of these things , and no one respects these boundaries . " " This is a DonQuixtote family heir loom , it 's been in the family for almost a thousand years . And I wanted you to have it . " He told me . " And as the main carrier of the Red Family honour , I cannot accept this . And I will not , as if something is to occur and it is not you I take as my husband I 'd be shaming both our families . " I explained , " Please , I have no right . " " I was wondering what he was to you . " He explained , " And your maids , Hawkins , Beckman , Yasopp , Lucky , and that Killer fellow . What are they to you ? " He chuckled lightly , " Never mind . " He then said , " I think I 'll find out later everything I want to know . until then . " He rose and I quickly followed suit , " I believe I will take my leave of you . You 're hospitality , generosity , and company are second to non , Ceerie - san . And I hope we can meet again under better conditions . " I nodded , " And I appreciate it . And I also hope you would forgive me . I need to go . " I said sadly , " After these kinds of meet ups a million more things are added to the already overflowing list , I just hope you can understand . " " Asking for forgiveness in order to do their duty to their people . " He all but snapped , " They should be first on your mind at all times , and other , fruitless , things should be an after thought . If you were my daughter I would be ashamed of you saying such a thing in your position . " " He 's right about one thing . " I said before a fist could be thrown , " The people of the town come first . Their needs , the trade needs , our partner 's people , ways to expose the evilness and wickedly that 's occurring behind the scenes . But that 's also where you 're wrong , Zoro . " I told him a smirk playing on my lips and a passionate fire reigniting behind my sea blue eyes , " Because you aren 't my father , you can 't be ashamed of my actions as a daughter in this position . But I can 't stand here making a giant speech or monologue anymore . I have a city I 'm gonna run and a check list longer than I am tall to get through before the end of the week . I 'll see you guys later . " Now 's the time , I thought to myself . I can 't keep thinking that I can do everything on my own and have every decision be made by me , I have Law , Hawkins , Killer and the others for a reason . Not utilising them to their full potential was not only stressful on my part , but inconsiderate for them . I trusted all of them , we had each others back no matter what . That 's the way it needs to be in order to get anywhere . Killer had done a number on him . His eyes were out of his skull , his jaw all but broken off , tongue hanging on by a string . His chest cavity was split open , his heart , lungs and stomach were removed . His small intestines were wound around his neck a few times and he was missing all his fingers . The article said he was mutilated both post and pre mortem , according to authorities . The only way that they managed to identify him was because of his dental records . And now the Black and Sweet families were being investigated for their relation to a notorious thief , murderer , and child molester . I was barely able to form much of a conscious thought back then . And playing on the beach in the sand , wadding in the water up to my knees because that 's all I was allowed without supervision . Being scooped up by a strange man , brought to a secluded , run down shack in the middle of the woods . Being set up for ransom , and then raped by said strange man both with himself and sodomized with various tools and objects he had with him at the time . The only reason why I was still alive today was because the same shack that he decided to call his ' hide out ' was the club house of my brothers . They heard screaming , yelling , cursing , and sounds of a fight . They broke in , beat him til he was unconscious and then brought me back to town and my father . I remembered Sabo wrapping his jacket around me because I was only in a tanky bathing suit which was ripped , stained with various substances , and I was soaking wet on top of it all . I was crying into Ace 's back the entire walk back home . While in the hospital they would visit me and when I got out and was well enough I played with them and they became my unofficial ' body guards ' when I was away from my father . The actual memories of what Oflux had done to me where now distant , they were nothing but scars that had healed and would continue to heal forever . He could no longer haunt me and hold me back from anything , I could now move forward as I saw fit with my life . No strings attached . Posted on September 1 , 2016 by pir8chickk Jowey came back not long before night fell . She pushed open the doors and the lobby fell silent . She glided across the floor up to the bar and sat down . Martain looked over to her with tired eyes , " You really did a number , Jay . " He told her , " I almost lost him twice . But he 'll live . " She shook her head , " There was nothing . No scouts , no other solders , no camp , no evidence of any one or thing coming up or down the mountain . It 's strange . " " I just thought he was smarter than that , " She said , " And they just wanted , Paul . How would they even know he was up here ? There are a million cabins from there to the base of the mountains . " " I know it 's his . " She whispered , " He was my first , and no one else lied with me as much as he did . Father , I 'm sorry for the dishonour , but I love him . " Cyrus sighed and turned to fully look at his daughter . She had the same beautiful eyes and hair that her late mother had . She was her spitting image . She too was pregnant before any marriage happened . It broke his heart to realize he 'd done the same thing her father had to her . " We had to throw out the old king . " He told her , " He was evil . Always taxing , always killing , always wagging war . But he had the most beautiful of wives , all of which he 'd stolen from those deserving of them . All of them died in childbirth , children too . Except for one . " " Hard to say . " He said , " But the wife survived , as did the daughter . But that woman was a witch , making the child unholy . It was just after the birth that we came in . We over threw the king and I made myself a better one then he . But we let the wife and child escape . " " I don 't know . " He said , " I heard rumors they she escaped up into the mountains and managed to another country , but it was a harsh winter that followed . If either of then are alive , it 'd surprise me . " " They were evil , princess . " He told her , " God would have never forgave him or any of his family . Their daughter would have been the equivalent to the devil if she survived to maturity . " Spring wind howled past the tavern . One by one each of the men were asked up to Jowey 's room to be asked a few questions . The girls were in her room the entire time . The door slid open and they all stepped in . The girls were all sitting either on or next to her bed in chairs . The divider was pushed off to the side . And Jowey was sitting in a chair in front of the window with her back turned to the door . There was another chair directly behind her , presumably where the other 's would have sat when she talked to them . Next to Jowey was a small table . There was an empty glass , and it was shown that she was holding something . " I thought you knew that answer . " He said and walked up to her . He gently moved her head so she was leaning back and looking up at him , he then gently kissed her lips , " You can trust me you 're life , I 'll do the same . A very tall , officer stood up and put their hands on their hips as they sighed at the cadets before him . He was at least six feet tall , on the slimmer side , yet his body was lean and strong . He had a regular boy cut of reddish purple hair and yellow eyes that help authority and slight amusement at the sight before them . " I trust you have done them up to standards . " Levi said coldly as he turned away from his underling , " I 've always trusted your mind , so it wont be necessary . What will be , is you taking a shower before dinner as you are filthy . " He ordered before pausing and turning around slightly to see the yellowed eyed cadet . Alex 's eyes fell to the floor , then to the front patch on their jacket . It was much too big for them . Alex could never fill it no matter how large they grew . It was their father 's jacket he had worn to show his rank and squad he was in when he was alive . Alex 's father , the man they had been named after was the commander of the survey corps before he had met his end outside the walls , facing titans . Before he left , he entrusted his jacket to his youngest as a promise he would come back for it . Alex still carried it around waiting for their father to come back and claim it . Alex even refused , on multiple accounts , to get a jacket of their own , with their own name , rank , and trainee year . " I don 't mean to upset you , Alex . You know how dear your father was to me as well . " Erwin said in a fatherly tone . Erwin nodded , knowing that the officer next to him had lost their entire family . All of Alex 's sisters and mother were killed a few years ago when the colossal titan breached the outer wall . And Alex 's father , Erwin 's best friend and brother in arms , was reported as missing on his last expedition . It was difficult for everyone who knew him . " Lieutenant Alex Surirer , reporting on a successful mission , sir ! " The office told the older man , before slipping off the much too large jacket and handing it to their father , " I have kept it in the most prestige of shape as possible . It is an honour to have you back , sir ! " " I was separated from the expedition and somehow found my way to the northern most point of the wall . I was horribly injured and couldn 't leave for a long while , on top of that I suffered amnesia so I couldn 't have made my way back if I wanted too . " He began to explain as he held his daughter closer , " I was working with traders to get some idea of who I was . We managed to get through the agricultural zone before wall maria was broken , so I got through unscaved . It wasn 't until visiting the survey corps memorial did things start coming back to me . I supposes your mother and siblings didn 't make it then ? " " Erwin told me you 've become a very strong and respectable officer . " He said changing the subject . He pulled slightly away from Alex to look at her as he said , " I 'm proud of you . " " Thank you , Erwin . " Alexander started , " But I think I would like to spend some more time with my little girl . Oh , I just remembered , I 've brought a gift for you . " As Levi watched the three of them walk off , he knew there was something wrong occurring before him . He just couldn 't place it right away . He still had the box Alex had been keeping from him for an entire day , but he couldn 't bring himself to open it . Not after witnessing what he just had . The present her father had brought for her was a pale pink peasant dress , with a black half corset around her natural waist . The sleeves were short and only fell just above her elbow , the neck line was wide causing the material to fall off both of her shoulders revealing the pale , creamy skin to the world . Surprisingly enough , the material actually fell to floor length on her , despite her incredible height . She looked beautiful , he finally admitted to himself . A beauty that no amount of training , or titan killing , or fighting skills could ever bring to light . But it all shone through in that one dress . " Lieutenant . " He replied watching the girl cross the room in just a few strides of her long legs . She was still clad in her new dress she had been wearing earlier , and was carrying a tray with a tea pot and a single tea cup on it . " I hope you don 't mind , but my father was taking me for a walk tonight . He said there was something in the woods he wanted to show me . " She replied . Topaz yellow eyes held the stare of steely grey ones for a few seconds . " Why would you say that ? " Alex asked , " I 've faced titans , bandits , and wild animals before . Why should I be afraid of the dark ? " " I don 't have any brothers . " Alex said without emotion , " I 'm the youngest of six girls , my parents , who were never married , never came close to having a boy . And my name isn 't Alexandria . " Before Alex could say anything a loud gun shot rang through the air , followed closely by her screaming in pain . The red head fell to the ground in a crumpled heap . One of the men had shot her leg , preventing her from escaping . " Yes , sir . " Alex said and sat in silence as some of the hunters turned their fire on Levi , but he was too quick with the maneuver gear to be hit by any of them . Levi went flying through the air cutting down all of the hunters and removing the arm of the man who impersonated Alex 's father . " You must understand ! " The imposter pleaded as he fell backwards , " It 's difficult in this world to make a quick buck . And if I didn 't then the Underground Mafia would have my hea - " Alex 's cheeks flamed , she couldn 't deny how attractive her captain looked when he smiled . Maybe that 's why Petra had a crush on him . Then something dawned on her . " Apparently your father was an imposter . " Hanji explained , " And what happened was he was actually working for the mafia of the underground to get some people who met their buyers specifications . One of them was yellow eyes , which you have . You were injured and I had to operate on you to remove the bullet and stop the bleeding after Shorty brought you back in . He defeated all the workers and carried you back here all by himself . Must have been hard for the little guy carrying such a big girl like you though . " Posted on September 1 , 2016 by pir8chickk We fell through the sky , giant trees waiting beneath us . Kurama pulled out a seed and it turned into wing like shapes , Hiei , Yusuke , and Kuwrabara grabbed on to parts of it . Botan and Kyotu glidded down on their oars . I grabbed Zooroo put him in my back pack . I sighed , " Eight older brothers , I 'm the youngest and only girl . " I told them , " Either learn to fight or get held down , spit on , and used as a punching bag . I 'm sure you know which one I chose . " " You don 't wanna come , you can head back to spirit world . " I told her , " That goes for all of you , but I 'm pushing on . This is my mission . " " Do you have any idea how many insects prey on those that go into their territories at nigh ? " Hiei asked him , " I 've seen the acid dissolving bones of exceedingly strong demons the morning after . If you 're truly more stupid than I first thought be my guest . We 'll camp here , but don 't come back crying when you 're running from an angry sworm . " She carefully untangled Uromeshi from the bent pole . Then she pushed it through many holes in the fabric . Before I knew it was what a pile of sticks stings and cloth became two tee - pee looking buildings . We head on along the edge of the mountain . We came across a few of what Hiei described last night . Bones , melted with acid , picked clean of all mean , blood , and marrow . I stood up and had my back to everyone , " I don 't know what 's lying in there . " I told them , " I don 't know how long it 'll take . But I 'm not gonna die in there . And no one comes in after me . I 'll be back out as soon as it 's done . I promise . " " You aren 't my mother , Kurama . " I told him and stepped into the cave , I looked back over my shoulder , " No matter what no one comes in here . I 'll be out as soon as it 's done . No matter what you hear , see , feel , or anything . Alright . " " I 've only ever heard Ayame cry out like this once before . " He told him , all of our ears perked up , " The grim reaper that brings the spirit detective to headquarters is also considered a partner to the said spirit detective . " He explained . He nodded , " I thought it was obvious when she told you her name . " He sighed , " Guess everyone expects her to be curvy like an actual woman . " He paused a minute , " Please don 't tell her I said that ! " Kyotu sighed , " The question is how did she get that scar . " He continued , " It was her third mission . Still only an eleven year - old girl . She was supposed to kill the demon Moysoku . " He nodded , " We all thought it was a little too soon for her to even think about going up against a demon like that . But we were all proven wrong . " He paused like the memory hurt him , " I stayed back to give her the room she needed . Eventually they were both about even , but they were both really badly injured . I was about to step in and grab her , if we lose her then what 's the point of having spirit detectives ? " He swallowed , " But she went in for the finishing move , much like what she did for Uromeshi , but his was on such a small scale in comparison . " " The original intent for , Ayame thrusting her palm up against her opponent 's abdomen , in between the stomach and the heart is because that 's where the spirit power is centered . She 's obtained the ability to move it through her body at will . " He told him , " She moved the majority of it to one of her palms , then by connecting her energy with her opponent 's , and how she can control it , she literally pulls the power out of the opponent , than mixes it with hers before forcing it back in . And at will that basically causes her opponent to explode into a bloody mess all over the place . " " Not when you think about it . " The fox defended , " If I understand this right , then with the help of her 's and her opponent 's spirit power she manages to liquify the entire body sending it out in every direction in a bloody mess . And I 'd assume with the way the spray is it would look much like a bloody shower . " " Kurama , you are exactly right . " He said , " She was going in for that . But he anticipated , he struck one of his claws deep into her lower back , but not before she got a clean shot . Ayame managed to kill him easily , but not without a price . " " She was nearly paralyzed . " He said , " That means she 'd have to give up everything she loved . Fighting , dancing , her long walks every morning . " Cries from the cave went back on . I wish I knew what was going on . But looking at her demon , I 'd probably go on a rampage . I went up and sat in a tree staring at the cave . I tried using my Jagen eye but I couldn 't see inside . All I could do was stare between the mouth of the cave and purple rat to see what was going on . " My palms are sweaty , I can 't seem to sleep , my body 's rejecting food , and I keep thinking about this onna . What 's wrong ? " I asked again . He nodded , " It 's a common emotion to feel , honestly . You want to protect a person , and if any harm befalls them , you want nothing more than to kill the person over and over again . You 'd do anything to make them smile . And just seeing them drives you wild . " " When she 's done . " Kyotu told him , " We had no idea how long it 'd take us to find this , and we still have no idea how long it 's going to be before she masters her powers . It 's only a matter of time . " " Impressive . " The fox said , " Usually the mastering of such things early take a toll on one 's body . But , Ayame seems to be able to work past it . " " Not that she 's aware of . " He said , " She might have found it in her grade school days and worked past it to never find it again subconsciously . But I suppose we 'll find out soon enough . " I suddenly realised that the onna 's cries had gone completely . Out of the corner of my eye I saw the rat was still . This bothered me . She took one step forward , the air around all of us suddenly turned colder than ice , yet it burned worse than any flame ever could . She took another step , the same thing but stronger , and another . I choked thinking she was going to suffocate us before she even killed them . For in an instant that pressure was gone . And there she stood , light shining on her right . Her hair looked like pure silk , her eyes deeper then any ocean , her skin was glowing . She was a goddess . She raised her left hand to her right shoulder , swiftly moving it back to her side . I didn 't even see what happened . But when blood was stained the ground and trees , and various body parts were scattered everywhere it became painfully obvious what she did . Lifting her up and cradling her in my arms , I actually felt her figure . Thin but muscular , no hips , no chest , and no butt . But for some reason I liked it . And holding her she felt so fragile , so delicate , yet she fit in my arms perfectly . I thought for a minute , " A lot of pain . " I said , " I saw my mama , and she said this was the gift she couldn 't have given me while she was alive . Told me to be strong , and don 't give up , told me she loved me . And then the rest is all a blur of pain , burning , searing . It hurt . " " Ayame ! " Botan shouted out in no particular direction , " How could you let this happen , Hiei ! ? She 's injured , and what if she wandered off ? ! " We ate and packed up before heading out . I walked near the back of the group because I still wasn 't feeling so hot . And for some reason , Hiei was with me every step of the way . I was wondering why , but I didn 't bother to ask . I figured he would think I was bothersome so I just stayed shut up . Besides I liked having him near like that . " Because baka . " Hiei snarled , " Take it from some one with experience , those woods at night are not the place someone like you would want to be . Demons hunt at night , they will prey on you . And with the onna still not fully ready for the fight we 'd be out numbered , over powered , and left for dead . " " I 'm fine ! " I barked , " Now would you stop worrying about me ? You aren 't my dad , and you could never be my mom ! " I dodged effortlessly , narrowly avoiding the blast and Kurama 's rose whip . Hiei nearly got me with his sword , but I knocked it out of his hand in a second . Sending a kick to his face and having him smash back into a large rock , only to be ambushed by Kuwrabara . Another blast came and I flipped to avoid it . Kurama 's rose whip wrapped around my ankle sending me down wards . Yusuke aimed to fire , but before he did everything went white . He didn 't say anything he just walked up to me , he didn 't even look me in the eye . That made me a little sad . I loved his red eyes . I shrugged and kept walking . Something was up , but I quickly dismissed every thought that was ever in my head when , Hiei . Held . My . Hand . " I talked to the fox the other day , and he told me something . " He said and paused , " Since I saw you I had feelings for you . According to him they 're love . And he said the only way to get rid of them is to tell you . So , onna , I love you . " |
I love how wonderful today was . It was super busy for a change . First up was the lovely Breanna 's 2 lessons . She takes piano and voice . She is doing rather well . Piano is a bit of a challenge for her and doesn 't come as easy as the voice songs do , but overall , I am pleased with her progress . After that , Katie came to practice with the accompanist for her audition Saturday for the scholarship . When Katie was done practicing with Bea , Bea and I went to get a bite to eat . We went to the usual , Tim Horton 's . It was great as usual . We sat and chatted for about 45 minutes then headed back to my house for Rachel to come and rehearse with Bea . Rachel did very well with her music . I quickly then had to go for my 3 month check up for my tummy at Dr . T 's office . The appointment went quickly since it was just a check up . I am doing very well on the medicine so no worries there ! I also have graduated up to a 6 month check up instead of 3 months with the understanding should any side effects happen I am to call right away . I have never yet had any side effects from the medicine so I am not worried about it . I am very pleased with this progress as I have been going every 3 months for about 3 years now . Yeah ! The next appointment is in 6 months . Such great news ! It will be a quiet evening for me . I am not feeling especially tired like I was last night . Last night I actually went to bed around 8 pm . I was simply wiped out . I don 't know why , I just was . I had a decent night sleep , I did get up once to take some more pain medicine , but other than that , it was a good night for a change . I think tonight will be a regular night sleep . Tomorrow I have to get some light bulbs as the kitchen and the dining room are out . The problem ? I can 't hold my arms up long enough to change them myself so my friend , Heather B - T is going to change them during the kids lessons . Thank God for good friends ! ! ! It is rather embarrassing though to have to ask someone to change both the dining room and the kitchen light bulbs , thank goodness I don 't mind a little embarrassment if it means I get them changed ! I have definitely discovered humility with Fibromyalgia and Arthritis . I also have Bursitis in my shoulders , so basically , I am a mess . What can I say ? ? ? When the lights in the kitchen blew at Christmas Annie was in town so she changed them . Once again i was fortunate . I am very blessed with friends that help me do things . I am not sure what is for dinner tonight as I am not very hungry . I need to clean out my crock pot because I am going to make a roast this weekend . After it is finished I cut it up into several meals and freeze the extras . It makes for several meals that way and boy are they yummy . I do like using my crock pot a lot . It makes cooking really easy . Toss in and heat ! How hard is that ? Not very hard , even for me . Pain level isn 't too bad for a change . It is nicer out than it has been so I am thankful for that . Not as much pain in the warmer , but not too hot , weather . My hips like the new medicine . I can get out of chairs so much easier now . I am very thankful for the new stuff . I only wish the Savella worked too , but as I have less pain , over all it is better . If only I could lift my arms ! Ugh , I guess I can 't have everything ! I am glad yesterday is over . It ended on me breaking down ( again ! ) around 11 : 30 when I was heading to bed . I cried for another hour or so . I don 't usually have this issue , but with it being the little lady 's birthday and all , I did expect it . It is hard for me to believe how much I can miss one person and how big a hole in the heart and soul can be . But it is true , my heart is so broken over this . I think maybe if I had children of my own to take care of it would be different , but I doubt it . I just miss her so much of the time . It is all the little things not even the big things that I miss . I have one lesson tonight , Charlie . He plays the tenor saxophone and is doing very well . I am pleased with his progress most of the time . There is the rare time that he didn 't practice enough or at all , but those are far apart , thank goodness . He is also a drummer . He is going to play a percussion piece at the spring concert in May . I can 't wait and I think my little student , Acer can 't wait either . Acer and Charlie get along so well . It is quite nice to see the 16 year old with the 6 year old . They are pals . Katie and Rachel are audition this weekend for a scholarship . It is a $ 500 scholarship . I think both are ready . I know Rachel is since she has sung both songs before . Katie chose songs she has sung before to because we decided at the last minute she would audition . Rachel 's mom called me this morning because she couldn 't find an accompanist for her . I just found one for Katie so the same nice lady is going to do both . I was slightly embarrassed though because when I called to let Bea know that Katie was doing it , she said she got Rachel 's application . Well , I had sent Rachel a cover sheet about it in email but I never gave her the application because they never sent me their address . Rachel 's mom must have called them for it . But that is how I found out Rachel is also auditioning . I am glad she is , but I wish I had known before I called so I wouldn 't have been like , wow , really ? Cool . So both girls will be here on Thursday to practice with Bea . It should be lots of fun . Not too much going on here . I am absolutely exhausted from the meltdowns yesterday . I plan to go to bed a bit early or take a nap , one of the two . I should be doing some house work but I am just too tired to do it . It is a nice and relaxing day so far , just on the tired side . I don 't have to be anywhere for a change , no doctors appointments or bloodtests or anything like that . I do hope this finds you doing well . Today is Momma 's 77th birthday . It is the first one I have every celebrated without her . i don 't think since I was born there has been a birthday of hers I have missed . It has been a rough day , I would have to say . Tears here and there . I wish she were here . I do realize she is better off since she doesn 't have Alzheimer 's anymore , but I still miss her terribly . Last year we had two birthday parties for her . The reason for the two is that I originally only planned one , but our friends couldn 't come to the first one because most of them didn 't have passports . Well , because so many of them couldn 't come I decided to have a separate party just for friends at our house . It was a good choice . We had the family party . It was an open house but everyone stayed for pretty much the entire thing . I was happy that almost the entire family was there and I know Mom was happy to see them . She didn 't speak much to them but that is normal for Mom , she just smiled and smiled which made me very happy . She got some nice things too from the family . The following Saturday , we had the cake and ice cream party for our friends . Oh my , the living room was so full of our friends and neighbors it was unbelievable . That made both me and Mom smile too . It was such a nice time . Mom got a lot of nice cards and gifts . The cards she would read over and over for the next few weeks . It was like a nice surprise for her every time she picked one up . I left the cards on the dining room table for her to find and read for a few weeks before I put them up in her room . She liked looking at them in her room . When I look back at the last year , sometimes I just can 't believe a year has past . She was doing okay at this point a year ago . Her eating had become an issue at this point as she barely ate at all but she was drinking 3 to 4 ensures a day so she was getting enough nutrition . She could walk by herself although she preferred to hold my hand for guidance . Then she knew she was going in the proper direction . She could feed herself and dress herself at this point too . The only thing I did was to hand her her pants so that they would go on right . She also still helped me get dressed at this point . I also thought we had years left with her at this time last year . She was only in stage 4 . Mom was pretty independent last March . I had only an inkling of knowing this could be it . I wish we could go back in time because I want to be with her . I most of the time liked being with her all day and night . We still played some games then . It wasn 't until May that she flew through stages 5 through 6 and ended at the beginning of stage 7 . She smiled and laughed a lot last year at this time . All I would have to say is , where 's that pretty Mom 's smile and she would smile . I also got pictures taken of her last March . Boy , am I glad I did . I had no idea that those would be the last professional pictures ever taken of her . I had no idea at all . I am glad she let me get them down . The day we went , she was all , I don 't want my picture taken . So I told her I already made the appointment but if she still didn 't want them taken when we got there we wouldn 't do it . Naturally , she forgot she didn 't want her picture taken and when the photographer asked if she was the one getting her picture taken she said yes and let her take the pictures . I think they turned out very nicely . Pretty much all of the family and a few close friends got a picture of her . I still have Richard 's copy here at the house . but I sent him a copy by email . I do wonder how my brothers are doing today . Sometimes I am fine and others I am in tears . I would say it is mostly aI hope you are having a better day than me . I am just very sad today . I am actually doing laundry . I realized I have absolutely no clean pants ( except the pair I am wearing ) for the day to day wear . i do have dress pants clean , but they are for dress up stuff not day to day . I have nice fleece , warm pants for day to day stuff . I also have no clean cute sweatshirts that are for daily wear except my Christmas one , so I put on a t - shirt and dragged the laundry downstairs . I just have to transfer it to the dryer . Be right back ! Clothes are now in the dryer . Now I am tired . You would think I was running a marathon not putting clothes in the dryer ! Stupid Fibro ! Even mundane , boring , supposedly easy jobs tire me out . Ugh , oh , well , I don 't have to do anything with them for a bit so that is good . I went to Tim Horton 's today . I was feeling cooped up in the house so after a few minutes I packed myself and a book up and off I went . I stayed for about 2 hours reading . It was a nice change . I just needed to get out of the house for a few minutes . You know how it is , the house feels smaller and smaller until you want to scream , so instead of screaming , I went out . Good choice . I am reading " Awakening " by Angela Hunt . It is a book I bought a long time ago but never read . I always meant to but the subject became to close to me . It is about a woman a bit younger than me and how she is learning to live without her mother , who had dementia . Now when I bought it , Mom was only showing small signs of Alzheimer 's . I was too busy at the time to read it so I put it aside . Then when I had time , I couldn 't read it . Reading it now I see there are only few parallels of our lives . Her mother was a typical dementia patient and didn 't know who her daughter was at the end . My mother was not typical , she didn 't get angry very often , she wasn 't belligerent , or angry . She was polite and usually pretty quiet . She also most of the time knew who I was . Also , the main character , Aurora hasn 't left her apartment for about 10 years even while her mother was living , where as I have no problem going out into the world . She feels some resentment to her mother about taking care of her and I don 't resent taking care of my mom . I could have placed her anytime if I felt I needed to . I believed she would have better care , and my friends have agreed , if I took care of her . I got her whatever help I needed . The only thing I wish I hadn 't done that I have done was to place her for rehab in a nursing home for the 2 1 / 2 weeks she spent in one this past summer . That was not good for her and I wish I could undo that . It was a painfully bad experience for the both of us . Anyways , the main theme in the book is that she finds herself and more importantly , she finds God . Since I am close to God , I no longer see any real resemblance between me and the main It is a quiet day around here with just the laundry going . I did the dishes the other day so I need to empty out the dishwasher and fill it with the dirty dishes . I didn 't get as much done as I wanted yesterday so I may finish that up . I am enjoying the peace and quiet right now . I don 't mind silence like I did a few months ago . I still miss Mom so much . I have come to the conclusion that I will probably miss her like I do now forever . I am starting to make plans of my future , although the future still scares me at times . I do wish I saw my brothers more often than I do or at least spoke to them on a regular basis . Both are horrible at keeping in touch . Basically it is all me , I do the calling , I do the writing , the emailing , the messaging , but since I want to know how they are doing , I don 't mind . Maybe one day I will , but not right now . I do hope to see both boys soon . I don 't think it fazes them as much as it does me that we are all that is left of Mom . I am thankful for my uncles and my many cousins as they are very much appreciated , but of Mom , my brother 's are all that is left of her . I just wish I saw them more . It is an okay day for pain for a change . The celebrex really helps the lower back and the hips especially at night when I get up from sitting . I am so thankful we started that . At first , it didn 't seem like it worked until I went a few days without it . I hadn 't noticed I was getting up easier until it was hard again . I don 't take the Savella as it gave me insomnia , but I am taking the Celebrex I had 3 lessons total today . It was a quick 1 3 / 4 hours let me tell you and fun . All three students are doing very well . Amanda and Kayla each started a new song today . I was happy with what they did . Kayla did tell me that when Katie came early last week it made her nervous so today when Katie arrived I had her go into the dining room for a few minutes this way Kayla would be able to continue without being embarrassed . She had much more confidence today than she has had . I was pleased with this . Katie is auditioning for a scholarship next Saturday if we can find someone to accompany her . I do hope we do because she really wants to do this and if she doesn 't then they have to cancel the scholarship . We are on a time crunch with this . Both my friends are just not available although 1 is checking with her student to see if she would be available . I also just called another teacher I know in case he can do it . I can play the songs , I just don 't accompany very well , I start listening to the singing and well , there goes the piano part . I just never learned the art of accompanying . I think that is something I need to learn . I wonder how much Georgette would charge to teach me . Hm , I will find out . I figure either she or Diane can teach me to do this . I can play the piano pretty well although I think I teach it much better than I play . I could be wrong on this , but who knows ! I had planned on doing housework today . I am going to vacuum the rest of Mom 's room , the path in my room ( yes , it needs to be decluttered since things are no longer where they belong ) , the spare room , and the hallway with the stairs . That should be enough for the day . I try not to overdo it because the pain is immense when I do . I don 't wish to spend all day tomorrow in bed . While I don 't have much planned for tomorrow , I still do not wish to be in bed from pain all day . That would be a drag to say the least . I don 't know what I will do after that , I may read . I have 2 books I haven 't read yet waiting on the table and I have one I am currently reading . I love reading but sometimes I just don 't feel like it . I have a hard time some days finding enough good stuff to do . I think sometimes my naps in the afternoon are not only because I am tired but I am bored . My new course hasn 't arrived yet . I can 't wait until it does . Should be here sometime next week . I am anxious to get started with it . It is almost 3 in the afternoon so I am heading upstairs soon to start my vacuuming . It won 't take long but I would like it done before dinner . I may do the dining room , kitchen , and utility room floors tomorrow . I have to also scrub them . Yuck . Oh well , it needs to be done so I will do it . I plan to also watch some of the DVDs that I have that I haven 't seen yet . I keep meaning to but then when I have the time I end up doing something else . I feel like I am in the waiting mode and I don 't wait very well . Patience is not my best virtue . It is chilly out so my hips and legs are a bit sore today , plus since I split pop on my chair last night I had to sit on a different chair , so that caused extra pain too . It is sunny out though so that is a plus . I just wish we had slightly warmer weather to go along with the sun . I do hope we are finished with snow ! I am so tired of it . Well , I hope you are having a good day too ! What a wonderful evening filled with laughter and joy . Acer , Calli , and Heather stayed after their lessons for dinner and games . Bill joined us bring said dinner . it was so yummy ! We played Five Little Monkeys Sitting on a Bed . It was Calli 's new game that she got for her birthday last week . Once we were done eating Bill tightened up the screws under the table because it was so wobbly . It is so much better now . No wobble at all anymore . I am so thankful for that . I was afraid I would have to get a new table and I really didn 't want to as I love this one . I have 4 chairs to tighten and reglue this summer though . I know how now . I can 't wait to do this but I need warmer weather so I can open up the windows in case the glue smells . Anyways , I actually won the game , surprisingly . My little monkeys stayed on the bed ! It was such a fun game . I think Calli is pleased with her choice of a game . She and I love playing games together . We are also Uno girls . We love our Uno . She has a special set that someone Brailled for her so she can play independently , which we both enjoy . I did do a silly thing though . I was carrying the chicken bucket , corn , gravy , and macaroni dishes to the counter so Bill could do the table and I split the gravy and my pop . Now the gravy landed on the tablecloth . Thank goodness I just changed it to a vinyl one ! However , my pop landed on my chair which has a cloth top . Yup , I did a great job of soaking my chair and now there will be a stain . I will scrub it out tomorrow and see if I can clean my chair . What a silly thing to do . Next time ? I will just carry a few things at a time and not pile them up on top of each other . It has been a very good day . I woke up late , which wasn 't a good thing , but I was so exhausted . I went to get something to eat and then I came home . I played on the computer a bit before lessons and the rest is history ! I haven 't had much pain today . I am glad about that . The celebrex works pretty well although the health insurance wants me to switch to something else since celebrex is not covered . I also have the application for the Pfizer company for lowering the price of Celebrex . I will discuss with Dr . G to see what is best to do and then follow his instructions . Bill found a mug from when Tillie and Maia were here last month on the window sill . Needless to say the cup looks rather gross right now . I hope it cleans up okay as it is one of my favorites . He also found 2 books . I am not happy about this , but I suppose if I opened the drapes more often I would have found then a month ago . Well , I don 't always open them . I used to but I don 't always do . It is just not something I do everyday . Either way , I am still upset over the mug with left over coffee in it . Yuck . Like I said , I hope it cleans up nicely . I have 3 lessons tomorrow starting at 11 am so I have to get up early . I don 't mind 11 am lessons , it is the earlier ones I have trouble with . Amanda comes at 11 , Kayla at 11 : 30 , and Katie at 12 : 15 this week . Next week , Christine will have her lesson Saturday evening . Hey , what works for her , works for me . That is what I have to say about that . She is doing very well . I am revising my plan with her because she also plays another instrument which means she can read music very well . I am giving her other stuff , not just stuff out of her book too . She seems to like that . I will find more fun stuff for her to play too . I am some nice 5 finger stuff that she will like . Well , I am getting tired now so it is about bedtime for me . I will be setting my alarm because I don 't want to miss a lesson . Boy is this house quiet now after all the activity . I so enjoyed myself so much . It is nice to have activity every so often . They will again be staying for dinner in 2 weeks because it will be my birthday and I want to have a small celebration on my actual birthday . I have a family birthday party gathering with some friends too at my cousin , Darrin 's house on the 16th . That will be fun too . But i felt something small for the actual day would be good and the Bowman - Tomlinson family is perfect for that . The kids will have their lessons and then stay for games and dinner . I am glad the sun is shining ! It makes it a bit warmer than it was yesterday , however , we are still in winter temperatures around here with some of the white stuff ( snow ) on the ground and some icy patches . At least the sun is shining today . I will probably have to have the little heater on this evening when the sun goes down since the wind chill is low . I can 't wait until we get actual open the windows and let the sunshine in weather . I also will need to clean said windows too , but hey , that is another day . I had Breanna 's lesson this afternoon . She is doing pretty well . She is anxious to get to advanced level stuff right away . It is so cute to see . She is very ambitious and works rather hard so that is a great thing . She also has determination which is another great trait of a good student . I never have to worry about her not practicing or doing her theory work because she wants to learn as much as she can to improve . I just would like 10 more students just like her ! She is the type that makes teaching a great job . Not that my other students are not doing well , they are too . I have great students right now , I just need 10 more to pay all the bills not just some of them . I pray I will get them soon . I read a blog post today of one of my regular reads , Connie , ( a very inspirational person ) and she is redoing part of her house . I now can 't wait until after tax season to do the downstairs . I am so anxious to have a sewing / craft area and a library / TV are now . I want to put pictures up on the wall and wall hangings up . I am just anxious to have my house just so ! I get great ideas from Connie 's blog . She always post the prettiest decorating ideas . She also loves the color pink like I do ! Unfortunately , the carpet in the family room is brown , so pink is out unless I keep the furniture that is down there and then I could pain the walls pink to coordinate with the pink in the pink and brown furniture . I wonder how hard it would be to restuff the cushions . Would it really be that hard of a job ? I don 't know . I love the furniture that is down there , it is just that some redoing needs to be done . Hm , I will have to ask some experts I know , like Connie and a few of my friends . I am really rethinking this now . I am thinking there is room down in the family room for the furniture . I will measure and find out . It is really pretty furniture that is in excellent condition ( thanks Mom ! ) . Mom took really good care of it . So , I am glad I haven 't taken any picture of the furniture yet . I am , however , getting rid of the bar stools and the shuffle board . Those things have no place or use in the new family room . They just take up too much space , way too much space . Anyways , a quiet evening is expected . I spoke to Kathy and Donna today . I will turn the news on soon and watch that . It is probably an HGTV night since there isn 't anything else on . I hope you are having a good day too . I am freezing right now . I have a sweatshirt and fleece pants on and I am still cold . It is because of the freezing rain we are getting , I think . All I know is that I turned on the little heater . It is blowing right on me and boy does it feel nice ! Heaven ! Despite the freezing rain , I bravely ( he he he ) drove to my friend , Donna 's house to pick her up . She can 't drive right now because she was in an accident about a month ago and it totaled her car . She has had more health problems since then too . I feel so bad for her but I am glad she is getting good care from the doctors . That is the important thing . So I picked her up and off we went to Burger King for lunch . She treated me ! It was very cool . We were there for about 2 hours chatting away . Sometimes she speaks very softly and I can 't hear her so I have to say speak up . I have 50 % hearing loss in each ear . When I was young I had some infections that caused the hearing loss . One in particular I never told Mom that my ears hurt and were plugged so I didn 't go and get the medicine until I had had the problem for about 7 months . My Math and Science teacher finally asked if I could hear him and I said no . He was standing and quickly sat down . He couldn 't believe it so during the break between classes he called me up and asked how long it had been since I could hear him in class . I said since October ( this was May by this time ) . He immediately let everyone of my teachers know I couldn 't hear . I never got moved so fast in my life , I was immediately moved to the front of the room for every class . It didn 't stop there . He went to my counselor and told him and then they called Mom and told her . She was as flabbergasted as they were because I never told anyone . I had an ear doctor specialist appointment for about 2 days later after than and then a few weeks later I had surgery on my ears and I could hear a bit better . I went from 75 % hearing loss to 50 % . The specialist told my mom that because I didn 't say anything for months it was too late to save more of my hearing . I did try hearing aids but they gave me headaches because everything , and I mean , everything is amplified . I still don 't wear hearing aids . Generally I am okay in most situations . I do fine with the phone , only a few voices are hard to hear . Mom was so upset So anyways , I digress . We had a wonderful time . She misses Mom too because she used to come and pick Mom up to go with her places when we had the store . She would drop her granddaughter off for her trumpet lesson and then she and Mom would go for ice cream sometimes . Donna would sometimes come during the day to whisk Mom away with her for running errands and stuff like that . She liked Mom 's company . Sometimes I would come down the stairs at the store and Mom would be gone . I always knew who she was with because there would be a note that says , I have Mom ! Mom loved that . Donna was a good friend to Mom and she is a good friend to me . Today was the first day I have actually seen her though since probably about November . We talk frequently on the phone though , about every few days . It was nice to see her in person for a change . I don 't have any lessons today so it is a bit of a boring day now . I have some good books to read though and I want to put the sheets and blankets on Mom 's bed for guests when I have them . I just have to vacuum the one side of the room and make up the bed then Mom 's room is officially done . There are two boxes in the closet with some Disney stuff in them . I have some of her stuff in my room too . There are some boxes in the garage too of Mom 's stuff that I have to go through . I will after tax season when Lily and her mom , Julie are available to help . Julie is going to help me with the family room . All after tax season which officially ends April 19 this year . I can wait until then no problem ! I am thankful for the help for these type things . I can 't wait until the sewing area is put together . That should be very cool ! I am looking forward to having a family room I can use again . It has been about 5 years now since we haven 't been able to use it . I plan to have the students over during the summer for craft afternoons . I have 2 kits full of beaded ornaments to make . there are about 50 ornaments you can make in each kit so that is plenty . It should be lots of fun too ! Anyways , this is getting long and I have discovered that blogspot cuts out some of your post if you are too long . Mean old blogspot ! I do hope this finds you doing well and having a great day ! Around 5 pm it started snowing hard again . We are supposed to get a few inches . I am hoping that we don 't get that much because we are on the border of the bad stuff and the not so bad stuff . I am hoping for the not so bad stuff . I have officially decided I no longer like snow after Christmas . I used to like it , but not anymore . It has been so cold this winter . It makes me stiff and sore like so many I know . I often wonder on days like this what Heaven is like and how is Mom liking the weather there . I took all the paperwork to the tax professional , Julie today . She is a good friend of mine . It was sad to do because it is the last tax paperwork I will have to do for the little lady . I don 't like having to do this last things for Mom . I want my mom here , not in Heaven . Yes , I know , she is much better off because she was suffering and all that , I never said I was logical , however , I just miss her so much . I didn 't total anything this year like I always do . I just put the stuff in the envelope and gave it to Julie . I am hopeful that the only thing I am missing is the copy of the horrible death certificate . I hate that thing . It is illogical , I know , but I happen to hate almost anything that has to do with her passing away . I want my little Mom back , the way she was a few years ago when she could still enjoy stuff and have a good time . Julie is going to help me get the house in order including some of what is left of Mom 's stuff . I have a good amount of costume jewelry that belonged to Mom along with some other pieces . I have to collect them all and decide what to do with that . I have the special necklace in the bank that will go to Abby when she is 16 . Right now it is all mine until Abby is 16 . Then we share it until I pass . This necklace was given to my great grandmother by her brother , Andrew when she was 16 . Great grandma gave it to my mom when she was 16 and then I got it when I turned 16 . It is a sentimental piece that Mom simply loved . I like it too . I think Abby will like it . I hope I don 't owe too much to the IRS this year . With the tight budget that I have , I don 't have extra to pay . We shall see . I am going to start removing a few boxes from the storage unit this week after the awful snow clears . I figure if I can get a box or two that I want every few days out of there , when we can finally empty it , it will be easier to do because I will have all my stuff out of there . There are a few boxes that I may not be able to lift , but I can try the other ones . I am still hopeful that the snow globes are okay , I have no lessons tomorrow . I do hope the roads are alright because I am supposed to meet my friend for lunch . However , should the roads be icy like the weatherpeople It has been a good day . Tax stuff is in , 1 lesson taught , all in all , a good day . I am just pretty tired . I hope your day has been good too . I spoke with Bob today . I had message he and Maggie about a decision that I was trying to make . As it turns out , I feel I made a good decision , but I am glad that I messaged them because they gave me a few other things to think about . Thank goodness for good friends . I do feel I have a good plan now that I have been lacking in direction at times ( outside of teaching ) and really need some focus for long term planning . When I had Mom here ( before she needed 24 / 7 care from me ) I could speak to her about these decisions and thoughts and I do miss that a lot . I do have a savings plan , even with my tiny budget , that I will be doing . My emergency fund is very small at this point and needs to grow . I have added a savings plan in my monthly budget now . It makes me feel much better knowing I have a plan . I am a planning kind of girl . I feel like the fog may be starting to be lifted about some things . I don 't always feel like I am walking through mud all the time , just most of it . I am hoping the new roadmap will help with the mud feeling . It is a bad missing Mom day mainly because I had to have someone else to discuss things with . I couldn 't talk to her about it and hear her thoughts about that . It just is something I will have to get used to now . I don 't particularly like it , but I will have to get used to it . Mom is in Heaven and isn 't here to talk too . I miss my sounding board . I have had to find a different one . I am thankful for the suggestions for me to think about . I hadn 't given some things attention and I needed to . Thank God for good friends . I had my lovely Muglia girls for their lessons today including Sarah , one of the little sisters . She just started today . She has played out of the book for a while and got all the way up to where she is starting to read notes so that is where we started today . I think she will do very well just like the older sisters . I brought the older girls a huge ( I mean huge ) bag of hoodies that were Mom 's . Some of them she has worn , many of them she bought and forgot she had or I forgot she had so she never worn them . There were a couple of really cute disney ones that I think the girls will just love . I asked that any that they don 't want ( I am sure there are some ) to please donate them . They said they would . There are a bunch of cute hoodies there that I wished I fit into . No hope there though . By the time I may fit in them , they will be long out of style besides I have a bunch of cute hoodies that I have gotten in the last few years . It was so nice to teach 5 lessons in one day . I miss being that busy . I mean , some days I am teaching just 1 lessons . Now , I am grateful for that one lesson , I just want to be busier and soon I will be . I am hopeful that I will get more students soon . I know that by fall I will , I just need new students long before that . Summer is coming and that is a tough time for lessons although the last couple of summers haven 't been super bad like they were a few years ago so I am hopeful that this summer won 't be too bad again . I don 't have any plans at this time to go on vacation . I would like to go and see my brother in Seattle , but I am not sure that will happen . All depends on his busy schedule so we will wait and see . I am rather tired today now . I didn 't sleep very well last night . I haven 't been sleeping very well these last few nights . I don 't know why . I think since I had to get up so early this morning that perhaps I will sleep well tonight . I am hopeful about that . It has been a good day overall . I enjoyed the 5 lessons that I have taught today . My girls are doing awesome with their music and Bob is doing very well too . He will be ready in time for the spring concert . The girls won 't be able to attend because baby number 9 in the Muglia house will be making his debut around that time . Thomas is expected in the 2nd and 3rd week of May . It will be a busy but exciting time for them . Well , I did it . I went and ordered the course for writing . When I clicked on to order it I got a big surprise ! It was 1 / 2 half off ! Talk about a nice surprise ! I was pleased because I don 't have to use emergency money for this now . I am so happy about that . You just never know do you ? I do hope to get the course rather quickly because I am anxious to get started . I now just need the creative juices that have been hiding in the fibro fog , to come out and get started again . The nice thing is that I can do this at my pace which is probably slower than most people 's pace , but hey , that is okay . It is okay to go slower than the rest of the world , right ? It is a quiet day as I don 't teach on Sundays very often anymore . I am trying to have one day where I can not teach and do some stuff around the house . I have time to rest if necessary so that is good . Today 's big challenge is bringing up the little sewing machine for my girls and separating hoodies for them . I also have to bring down the hoodies that are in my room that were also mom 's . She never wore these ones so they are going to the girls . I am still pretty tired as I had nightmares a bit last night . I dreamed I was surrounded by Wraiths from the Stargate Atlantis show . Very strange dream let me tell you . I can 't remember all of it , I just remember praying that the dream would go away and happy dreams would come back . It is a missing the little Mom bad day today . I got teary eyed when I went to the music store to pick up the music for both Christine and for Sarah . Mom used to go all the time with me and look through the music to see what was there and what we wanted . I miss going there with her . She was always so excited when I bought new music . If I bought some for me , she would immediately label it and catalogue it . My music is all catalogue all thanks to Mom . She spent hours getting it ready for me . She copied almost all the original CDs so that I would have copies to give out instead of originals . How cool is that ? Very , if you ask me . I have 3 legal size file cabinets filled with music , so you can see what a big job this was . Mom was just so organized that way . I miss her organization skills as I am not as organized as she was . She kept me nice and organized . All my music was always put away when not in use . I mean , I had it so good . Just one more of a million reasons I miss her so much . It is hard to believe how much you can miss one person in life . It hurts physically at times with how much I miss her . Today , it is not a physically hurt missing her day so that is good . Either that or I have much better pain meds than I used to . I would say it is just a super missing mom day without the physical pain of it . I knew that when Mom passed away I would miss her this much . I was warned ahead of time by one of my friends who has lost her mom how bad it would be so this isn 't a surprise , I just don 't know when it is going to get better . Some days aren 't too bad because I am busy but some are super bad . I think if I get back into my writing this will help some because Mom liked my writing . She would say go do some writing , you will feel better or go play the piano . She was always saying things like that . I feel like i honor her when I am teaching as she was so proud that I was a teacher and I think I will honor her again while I am writing . The one thing she always told me ( and several teachers have said too ) is to never write a It is going to be a decent day even though it is colder than it has been this week . I am looking forward to a busy week with lessons and getting my new writing course . I can 't wait for that to come in . I do hope you are having a good day too . I had 3 lessons this late morning / early afternoon . I got up earlier than usual because the lessons start at 11 am . Yes , I know , it is not early for some people , but it is for me . I got up at 10 : 30 and then went downstairs to sit and wait . I sort of dozed as I was waiting for Amanda . Amanda is doing very well . She is happy with the songs she is learning . We talked a bit about what she wanted to do for the spring concert . I told her ( and Kayla ) that if there was something in particular they want to learn and I don 't have it , they will have to go and purchase it themselves . I don 't have much in the way of popular music . It is just not possible for me to keep up with that . I don 't have the money nor the space for the music . Kayla had her lesson right after Amanda . She is doing very well , but she thinks she is doing terrible . I try to encourage her to let her know she is doing well . She just doesn 't believe me . The biggest problem is that Amanda has a naturally mature voice while Kayla has a regular 12 year old voice . Her voice will mature , I keep telling her this . She is only 12 , of course she says she is 13 , which she isn 't . She has negativity for much of her lesson these days . I am at wits end trying to figure out what to do . She is doing very well and there has been improvement with her voice . I think next week I will give her a lower song that may help her feel a bit better . I just don 't know . It is so tough to watch a young person with so much potential and talent think she doesn 't have either . Katie had her lesson after Kayla . She received her score sheets back from competition . She is pleased with how she did . She is going to audition for a scholarship that is put on by a local teacher group . She could win $ 500 . That is a big chunk of money that she could definitely need for school in the next few years . Katie is in high school but she is in a special program that requires her to go 1 more year for high school because by the time she finishes high school she will also have her associates degree . I am so happy After lessons I wanted to get out of the house for a bit . i was feeling a bit of cabin fever so I went to Tim Horton 's for lunch . I am working on cutting out a lot of my trips there because I just can 't afford it without Mom here plus it was getting boring without having someone to go with . I enjoyed her company so much that to go on my own is just not what I want . When I got home I took a nap because I was so tired . Between getting up early and not having a good sleep last night , I was very tired . I ended up sleeping for 4 hours and I am still tired . I am not sure when I will go to bed tonight whether it will be early or regular time . Tomorrow I need to pull my tax stuff together and get Sarah her new books for piano . She is starting Monday after her sisters ' lesson . I know have 4 of the Muglia children for students . I am excited for Sarah to be starting . Apparently , she plays a bit everyday . That is a good habit to get into . Her older sisters practice pretty much everyday and have since they started lessons so many years ago . I think it was about 8 years ago , but I am not sure . I think Hannah was 7 and now she is 15 . Lydia was 6 and now she is 14 . Natalie didn 't started with her sisters , but she easily caught up to them and now they are all about at the same level which is nice and not because they all play the same music eventually . I try not to give them the same songs at the same time though so there is some variety in the practicing . I am at a loss of what to do . There is a children 's book writing course I would like to take . I have been writing for young people since I was a teenager . I have some talent ( I am certainly NOT saying I am the best ever , because I am NOT ) and I have been told that I do . I have taken a couple of other writing courses with this company so I know the company . Their copywritingbreakingant to get back into writing and I do feel the course would help me break into the business . I just don 't know if I should use the emergency money . There isn 't much left and this would make even less . However , I do know that if I tighten my belt , I can replace some of the money in the next few months so that is a possibility . It is so hard to make this type of decision by myself . I have asked 2 friends for their opinions . I could use the extra money if I get published , but I know breaking in is a difficult thing , not impossible , but difficult and I haven 't written professionally for about 5 years now so it is like rebreaking into the field . I don 't know . I have been praying about it . I was supposed to have 4 students today and ended up with 1 . I am thankful for the one . The first student , Terry , I had spoke to earlier this week to find out his schedule . We agreed that Friday at 1 pm would be good . Unfortunately he didn 't let the new company know or he didn 't get back in town on time , either way he didn 't have a lesson . The other two 's Mom was not feeling very well today . She gets bad headaches like I do , so when they arrive , you can only lay down and hope that it goes away so that left only Christine 's lesson . Thankfully , she and her Mom are feeling good for the day . Christine will have her lesson again next week at the same time . She is 10 almost 11 . Calli just turned 11 . I think the girls will get along well and have someone to hang out with at concerts . I just wish they were closer in the piano levels so they could play duets together . Oh , well , I will get a duet from someone someday . I will just have to wait a bit longer . Last night was a great evening . Breanna had her lesson and right after I went over to Heather B - T 's house for Calli 's birthday dinner and brownies . It was a wonderful time . By the time I got there Acer was waking up from a wee sleep and Calli and I were chatting away . I can 't believe the lovely young lady is now 11 . It is hard to believe , but it is true . She is 11 . I was honored to be asked to come and celebrate with her . Talk about a great time ! I had a wonderful evening with the family . Calli got some nice gifts for her birthday . She was very excited about that . Acer was excited to help Calli open up gifts . We had rice with spinach , chicken , and veggies for dinner with homemade brownies for desert . Calli wanted brownies instead of cake . Hey , works for me . Whatever works for her , works for me . Overall , a great evening and no place I would have rather spent it . They are great kids and i enjoy all the time I get to spend with them . I met up with my friend , Wendy for tea this afternoon . We had such a good time as usual . She is a good friend . We meet up every few months to hang out for a bit . She is a pretty busy person . She works two jobs , not to mention a wife and mother with 2 lovely children . We usually only get about 1 1 / 2 hours , but hey , I will take as much time as I can get . I enjoy talking to her about everything . Her daughter just made her high school freshman softball team . She is so excited about that . I was excited for her . She has played softball for about 9 years now . The Celebrex seems to be helping with the lower back and hips pain . I don 't have as much pain getting up from my chair at nighttime . I am glad about that . It was getting really hard at nighttime . Anytime after 5 pm the pain would just get worse . I know that is about the sun goes down and the temperature drops , but the pain would just be worse . I am thankful something is working a bit . it doesn 't erase all the pain , but it is helping some and that is what I needed . I didn 't expect it to get rid of the pain . I don 't think anything will . With the 2 temporary students finished , the 5 adult students who started in January and have quit , and the other student who has quit , I find once again I am nervous about finances . I am praying for more students that will stay with the lessons . I need some more so that I can make all my bills not just some of the bills . I need prayers on this a lot right now . I know that I am not the only one in this position . I do hope that in the next month or so I will be able to be okay again . I am hopeful in this . I am trying to rely on prayer and faith on this . I am confident that eventually I will have the amount of students I need to pay all of my bills not just some of them . Overall , I must say , despite my disappointment over the first student not showing up , it has been a good day . Meeting up with Wendy and having Christine 's lesson have made it a good day . I do hope my friend , Heather B - T 's headache is gone and she is having a good evening . It has been a pretty good week so far . Tomorrow I have 3 lessons that I am excited about . I don 't know what else I am going to do tomorrow , but the lessons will be fun . I do hope this finds you doing well too ! I didn 't have any students today , which is alright . I would rather have a student , but today just isn 't a day I have one . Last week 's new student that had her lesson on Wednesday will have hers on Friday this week . She is what the new company calls a flex student because she doesn 't have a set time every week due to her mother 's work schedule . Her Mom is a nurse and works 12 hour days so there is no set schedule for her . I don 't mind as long as she has a lesson every week . My friend from high school , Vicki is coming by . She has a good friend who 's husband needs a heart transplant and they are holding a fundraiser so she is coming for a few violins . I am happy to have them go for a good cause . I do have 2 that need to be painted , I am planning to paint them this spring . It has been 2 years since I have painted a violin . I have 16 that are painted left . I want to take some pictures of them and put them on ebay . I am going to get a new memory card since I can 't figure out how to clear mine . I have removed all the pictures yet the card still says it is full . I am so technological inept that I will just buy a new one instead . I will do that next month as this month is very , very tight financially speaking . I asked for the price of Savella today at the pharmacy . It is $ 147 a month . Yeah , that is a lot of money I don 't have . The biggest concern I have ( outside of price ) is that the week that I have been taking it , I have had 3 nights of no sleep . One of the side effects is Insomnia . Is less pain worth no sleep ? I don 't know . I just don 't know what to do about it . I did get the Celebrex today at the cost of $ 127 for the month . I used some of the emergency money . I wrote an email to my older brother and he suggested i contact the company who makes Celebrex to see if they have a program to help pay for it so I did . They are sending me an application that both me and Dr . G have to fill out . It will get here in time for my next appointment with him . I pretty sure I qualify for free medicine because of my low income . I am way under their cutoff point but about 11 , 000 so I am pretty sure I qualify . However , I was reading the info for the side effects and things like that and it says that taking it with the blood thinning medicine may cause some bleeding . Once again , now what ? Is this why the arthritis doctor didn 't give it to me in the first place ? I guess I will just monitor myself and see what happens . The Celebrex really helps with the hips and lower back pain from the arthritis so I am going to see about keeping it and just watch myself in case something happens . I am putting my receipts together this weekend so that I can make my appointment with Julie to get the taxes done . I am not really in a hurry as I usually don 't get anything back . You actually need to pay tax to get some back and since they don 't tax social security , I don 't get any back . Makes sense to me ! Sometimes I have to pay because of teaching but I think this year I have enough bills that will cancel them out . I do hope so . I don 't have any extra money to pay the IRS with . Boy , things are sure tight without Mom and her social security . I didn 't realize how good we had it until it was gone . Of course , I miss Mom more than just for her money . I miss her so much everyday . My friends have been so right , I miss her more now than when she first passed away 5 months ago . Friday will be the 5 month anniversary . My heart broke then and I just don 't see it healing to quickly without the little lady around . I do enjoy looking at pictures of her though . She had such a pretty smile ! Saturday is my nephew , William 's birthday . He will turn 10 already . So hard to believe . It seems like yesterday that he was born . I remember the day he was born as well as the day his older sister was born . Two of the best days of my life . We have another special birthday this week too . My friend , Heather B - T 's daughter , Calli turns 11 tomorrow . I am going over for dinner and brownies and floats . It will be so nice . I just can 't believe how fast these kids are growing . Seems like yesterday Calli was just 9 and arriving here . These last two years have just flown . My friend , Vicki just left with 3 violins for the fundraiser . She picked them out herself . I wanted her to . I think it makes it more special if you pick them yourself . So far , it is a less pain day . My back is a bit sore for some reason where it usually isn 't , but other than that , the pain is under control for a change . I have a good evening so far with a nice visit with Vicki and her Mom . I am so glad she is close to her Mom just like I was . She spends at least one night with her Mom every week . I do hope that you are having a good evening too ! I may have been a bit hasty in my thinking the Celebrex and the Savella aren 't working . I haven 't taken either of them for 2 days and tonight when I got out of my chair , oh my , the pain . I also can 't sleep because of the pain . Yes , I came down and took a Savella . I also priced the Savella . I don 't know how I will afford them , but they did seem to work enough where I could get out of the chair without to much pain at night and get some sleep . Right now it is 2 : 08 am and I am tired but I ache so I can 't really sleep . Thank goodness tomorrow is a no student day , just my friend Vicki stopping by to pick up some violins for a fundraiser they are planning for her friend 's husband . He needs a heart transplant and they don 't have the money for it . I am not sure how I can buckle down more to stretch the money to get the new prescriptions , but I will try . I may be able to get some more samples from the doctor but I know he was out of the Celebrex , that was why he wrote me a prescription for it and only gave me 6 days worth of the sample . I don 't know , but I will try somehow . How do people do it with more prescriptions ? I know , they don 't fill them . that is what I have done in the past , stopped taking a lot of the medicine . What can I say ? I am in the same boat as so many that I know . I am thankful that I have the Medicare part D but I do wish I had some secondary insurance but I am not at the point that I can afford something like that right now . Please pray that I get more students . That would help . 2 new weekly students on my own or 4 new weekly students from the new company and I will be able to pay for the new prescriptions . I also need a few more to pay for the property taxes too . I am still just a bit short to make everything , I have the basics now , just need the property tax and the new prescriptions to be covered and then I will be fine . I am going to try to get some sleep now . I do hope I do . I don 't like being awake at this time of night . I should be asleep like the rest of the world . Nighty night ! Hard to believe we are in the middle of March already . I suppose it isn 't a bad thing , just surprising that it is here already . I spoke to Kathy on the phone today for over an hour and boy was it great . I so miss seeing her all the time . You would think after 14 years of her living in the western part of the state that I would be used to it , but no , I am not . I try to talk with her at least once a week or once every other week . With the way her kids are growing , anything less and I miss something . I am not as tired as I thought I would be at this time of day . I had to get up earlier than usual for the blood test today . Only one poke today ! Thank goodness for that . I figured I would need a nap before Charlie 's lesson tonight . Maybe I won 't . that would be nice , a napless day , highly unlikely though . He will be here this evening . He is such a good kid . He is definitely one of those student teachers love to have . Tomorrow is a studentless day . Maybe I will go and get my hair cut . I want to get some bangs and some length cut off . We shall see . I don 't know . I do want to get some vacuuming done tomorrow on the main level since when my cousins were here the floor needs it pretty bad . i also need to scrub that area too . That would about do me in for the rest of the day so that will be my only plans tomorrow . I plan on putting the sheets and blankets on Mom 's bed tonight before bed . The quilt will look so pretty with the new blankets and pillows . I am pleased with my purchase . Then it will just need a guest to come and stay the night in there . Monday I have the Muglia girls for their lessons . I am bringing the portable sewing machine for them and the hoodies that I have to separate . I have several hoodies that I think will look so cute on them that were Mom 's . Most of the ones I am giving them Mom never wore or rarely wore but some are ones she wore . The 3 older girls love hoodies a lot and since I have quite a few , I am giving them some . There are about 4 in my room that need to go . Those ones , Mom never wore because they were too thin for her but she would have looked so adorable with them on . I just wish she could have worn them . We had fun picking them out for her . Mom had a nice smile when she realized that they were for her . She was always surprised when I bought stuff for her like that . She rarely asked for anything too . Once in a while we would pass a particularly cute stuffed animal or a sweatshirt or something like that and she would ask if we could get it . Generally , this was so rare that I almost always was able to get it for her . We usually only were at the store when we had money to spend anyway . I am not a window shopper and I hate going shopping in general so to shop and only look doesn 't work well for me . I go when I have a particular thing I need and I have the money to purchase it . I work on the cash only basis . It is amazing though , how many credit card offers I have received since I filled for bankruptcy . Yeah , you know I shred those things super duper fast . First of all , I don 't have extra money to be paying a credit card bill every month and second of all , I don 't need a credit card to temp me . I have no reason to really have one especially one that has $ 150 a year fee . If I had $ 150 a year it would go on a bill , not the credit card . Yes , eventually I will need to start working on rebuilding my credit , but the offers I have been getting are not the way to do it . Nothing like temping the person who just declared bankruptcy to go and get in the same financial mess again . Of course , I wouldn 't because I don 't have a store to lose agI am going to read for a bit before I make myself some dinner . I don 't really know what I want but I will figure it out shortly . So far , despite the blood test , it is a good day . Pain level isn 't too bad . My knee is almost back to normal so all in all , it is a good day . I do hope you are having a good day too ! Oh my , the time change ! Wrecks havoc on me every year twice a year . I don 't know why , but I just don 't respond well with it . I had to take a 3 hour nap this afternoon / early evening with it . I don 't get it . I hope by the end of the week I will be fine . We shall see . I just checked my planner . I have a blood test tomorrow morning . Yuck o ! I will go though because my blood was kind of messed up last week and I hope it is back to normal . I hate extra blood tests . I hope after this I won 't need a new one for 3 weeks which is the next doctor appointment . I hope to get a better pain pill and that will be it at the next doctor visit . The new medicines didn 't work and I am tired of trying new ones . I had Bob 's lesson this afternoon . He is doing very well right now on his songs . He is working on the tempo of the pop piece and the first page is pretty much there so that is a great start . He can play the invention faster than when he plays it for me , but when I am there he gets a bit nervous , so he has to slow down . A normal reaction for a student . You always can play better at home than when someone is staring at your hands like I am . I am annoyed tonight by something someone said to me . I am trying not to let it bother me , but it does . I didn 't appreciate it and I wish I had never answered the call . Next time , I will not answer . It is getting so nice outside right now though I am sure we are not done with snow . I didn 't get the news tonight because I was just getting up from my nap , so I missed the weather report . I will check online before bed so I know if we will have white stuff on the ground like we did one day last week . I don 't remember the day . I am really hoping we are finished with the winter . I am so tired of being cold . I started making the bed in Mom 's room today before the nap . All I got to was the mattress cover . I will do the rest tomorrow . I also have to put the night stands back where they belong and the chest of drawers that was moved too . Then take the empty boxes out and put them in the garage , vacuum again , close her closet doors , and her room is ready for visitors . I think the visitors will like what I did with Mom 's bed . I do have to put up the sheer curtains and the one set of drapes as they are down , but I will do that when I have some help because it is difficult to put drapes and curtains up by yourself . I have tried and it just doesn 't work , plain and simple . Then I will vacuum the hallway , the spare room , the path in my room and then bring it to the kitchen and dining room , which also need to be vacuum but I will wait until the next day for that one . Too much vacuuming makes me ache from the motions of vacuuming . I can 't really say what kind of day it has been as I think I slept a lot of it . The parts that I was up , except for the annoyances , were good . I am going to read a bit before I turn in for the night . I do hope your day is going well ! The Celebrex and the Savella don 't work for me . I am not too surprised since I have yet to find something that does , but I am a bit disappointed . Also , they are so expensive that I just can 't afford them even if they did work . The Savella kept me awake pretty much all night last night . I finally feel asleep around 7 am . Not fun . I hope that doesn 't happen again tonight as I did not take any Savella at all . I didn 't get up too early as I was awake all night . I forced myself to get out of bed around 2 pm . Plus we had that lovely time change , so my body is exhausted right now . I will be going to bed early tonight . I don 't have to get up early tomorrow but I do need to get some decent sleep , well as good as i get anyway . I have 1 lesson tomorrow , Bob in the afternoon . I so enjoy his lessons . He picks good songs when he gets to pick them and he has pretty much liked everything I have given him to play . The spring concert will be in May so we have an additional month to practice which doesn 't usually happen but it will this year . With my birthday , Andrew 's graduation , and Easter being so late , it just didn 't fit in the month of April this year . I don 't mind . May works out well too except the Muglia girls will not be there . They have some first communions in the family and Mom is expecting number 9 near the end of the month so they won 't be there . That is okay , maybe we will do a summer thing this year . Hard to say what we will do . It is all up in the air . Maia may come for a visit soon , I just don 't know when . She mentioned it in a message sometime last week or the week before . I like it when she comes for a visit , not to do any work , just a visit . I am going to ask her to bring some tummy medicine with her as I am completely out . The stuff I like you can 't get here in the USA . I don 't know why , but you can 't . Maybe it is sold under a different name or by prescription only , either way , I don 't know where here I can get it . I can buy it over the counter in Windsor so that is what I need to do . I forgot , as usual , when I was in Windsor a few weeks ago to go and get some . I think I am going to go and lay down . I am just that tired and I don 't feel that well today . I hope tomorrow is a better day . I hope your day has gone well ! ! ! I had one lesson today , Amanda . She was so excited because I brought out the Colors of the Wind song for her . She really wanted to learn that one . I am excited because I got the other copy of the book back from Samantha ( 2 1 / 2 years later ) so that I could give her the song . I have to redo the Over the Rainbow in Finale ( a music program ) so that it is in the right key for her . Both my orchestrated version and the proper key version are missing . At least I have the sheet music for it . That is the good thing ! Thank goodness for that . I am hoping that before I redo the song in the Finale program , I may still have it on the other computer so I am going to put up my other computer and check to see if it is on that one . That would make my life much easier ! All I would have to do is reburn the song then instead of put every note in the finale program . I am going to do that tomorrow . After Amanda 's lesson , I was on face book for a bit when I realized I was hungry and needed to get out of this house . I don 't always feel that way , but today I did . I went to Tim Horton 's and ate my lunch inside reading my wonderful new to me book . I finished it while I was there . Then I went to Barnes and Noble . I love that store . I got 2 new books so now I have a total of 7 books to read this week . 4 from the library , 2 from Barnes and Noble , and 1 from the used bookstore . I love reading although I wish I had something else to do with my time too some days . I can 't believe I am going to say this , but sometimes I am even sick of reading . I know , gasp ! I can 't believe I said that , but it is true . I really miss taking care of another person and being their caregiver . I would do it for a job if I was healthy enough . It was because Momma was so small that I was able to do things for her . If she had been taller ( she was 5ft 3 3 / 4 at healthy height and I would say she shrunk to 5 ft 2 ) and weighed more ( she was usually around 120 pounds until the end at 84 . 6 pounds ) then I would not have been able to help her . Thankfully , she was at a height and weight that I could be the caregiver and keep her here at home . God definitely saw to that . He knew she was terrified of being alone in a nursing home so he didn 't make her very big so that I would be able to take care of her . I loved taking care of her these last few years especially the last year when she needed me so much . She got her little sponge baths , she got her meals , her entertainment ( yes , I even could entertain her at times ! ) , I was just able to do everything for her . When she got further down the line , it did help to have someone come in and give her the baths . The company we had was wonderful for that . They brought physical therapy to her and a nurse came to see her too . When we need hospice , they were simply wonderful , just wonderful . I don 't know how they do , they are very compassionate and caring , yet they can watch and help people who are dying and will not gI think it is the down times that I miss her the most because I don 't have someone always to talk to or hang out with . Overall , I am pretty satisfied with my life despite my disabilities , but sometimes I want some more company . I need companionship at times like I had with the little lady . Today , just seemed more than usual . What can I say ? We were very close especially the last 5 years when I had my store and when we lost it . We did the store together , she even came with me to sign the papers . We were both so excited about that . She couldn 't stop smiling and neither could I . I miss her smiles and laughter the most . I did speak to the younger brother , Andrew , live and in person ( over the phone ) today ! It was a short call as long distance is very expensive for him but I wanted to speak in person and not through email or face book . There are times when they are not enough for me . He is excited and getting ready to graduate with his degree . I am so thrilled for him over that . He will keep me posted on when the ceremony will be . I also told him about my birthday party the family is having at my cousin Darrin 's house . Andrew said he would try to be there . I do hope you are having a good day ! Despite the missing of Momma , it has been a pretty good day . I would have preferred 3 lessons instead of 1 but I am thankful for the 1 . As the news media keeps Charlie Sheen in the news , I received a notice that in April he is coming to the theatre near me live and in person . On facebook , I have a friend who is actually going to go and see him . That seems rather strange to me because he is falling apart and out of control . It is not something I would want to pay money to go and see . He lost his job and his kids , and is now going on tour ? I do hope he gets the help he so desperately needs . I also am sick of the phrase , Winning . That is so annoying . I don 't see anything winning about Charlie and his life right now . I can 't even imagine right now what it is like in Japan . It seems so unreal when these things happen . I know that many of the people in Japan are prepared for disasters like this , but how can you really prepare ? Those poor people , I do hope that this is over soon and that people 's life goes back to normal . All I can do is pray for those that are affected by this . It has been a fast couple of weeks to me . I was getting ready for teaching when the Mom called . She was getting a bad headache , so we canceled . I totally understand that . You never know when the headaches are going to arrive . I have one tonight . So I took a small nap . I am still very tired . I only have 2 lessons tomorrow , that is a bit of a drag , but that is okay , it is still 2 more than I had yesterday . I usually have 3 on Saturdays , sometimes 4 and sometimes 5 . I like teaching a lot on Saturdays . I haven 't heard from Katie so I don 't know if she is going to have a lesson soon . I have her score sheets from competition a few weeks ago . I also haven 't heard from Rachel either . I do hope to hear from them soon . I am going to put Mom 's bedding on her bed this weekend . I have the quilt ready for it too . Her room will look very cute now as a guest room . Her mattress is in good condition and doesn 't need to be changed like the one in the other guest room . I don 't have the money to do that though . I hope to change it this summer . I don 't see it happening anytime soon . My mattress is okay for a while longer and if necessary , I can always change with the one in Mom 's room but right now it is okay . Once the bedding is fixed up in Mom 's room the upstairs will be mostly done for now . I do have to remove the buckets that Maia and Tillie brought it . I have no idea why they brought them up but they did . It was strange the first time I saw them . I don 't always understand why they do what they do at times . Right now , I am taking a brief break from working on the house . I want to put the boxes that have tools in the furnace room so that they are where I will be able to find them when I need them . I was surprised by how many tools were found hiding in Momma 's room . I am thankful though . We found a few things that we certainly could have used during this last year . The stud finder for one . I have 15 holes in the wall near where the railing is because Tillie couldn 't find the stud . I have no way to actually fix them right now because I am not going to paint right now . When the railing for the other railings to go up we will use the stud finder or they won 't go up because I don 't want tons of small drill holes in my wall . For some reason , it just doesn 't add to the decor . I know the entire house needs to be painted , but that is just not happening anytime soon as 1 - I can 't do it myself and 2 - I don 't have the money for it . I will worry about this stuff at a later date . I think the new pain meds are working pretty well . My knee is getting better too and I am not sure if that is from the new medicine or just it coming along naturally . Either way , I am glad it is getting better . I had 2 lessons today , Breanna and my newest one , Annie . She wants to sing in community theatre so that is what we are working towards . I asked her to get a great book that I usually use as a supplemental book , but for Annie , it will be a great book for her . Some of the songs have had the keys changed that will be perfect for her . She is 29 and will hopefully be a nursing student soon . I do hope so for her . She really wants to be a nurse . Right now she is a hair dresser and works at 2 different salons . I went to the library today . I got 4 books , 2 by Diane Chamberlain and 2 by Phillipa Gregory . I then went to the used bookstore and got 1 from Kristin Hannah ( my new favorite author ) and 2 from Julie Garwood , an old favorite . I am all set for reading right now . I am tired of the books I have . I have already read the new Kristin Hannah books two times so far . Yes , I am sure I will read them again and again , but not right now . My birthday is next month and a party has been planned . It will be at my cousin 's Darrin 's house in Belle River . Cool , is all I can say about that . It will be a potluck party . I am to bring the cake . Too bad an ice cream cake won 't last that long of a drive . Oh well , I will get a good one from a local bakery for that day . I am to let all the relatives and friends know about this . hey , works for me , a party ! ! ! So far , the new medicine seems to be helping . I will know more later this week and early next week . I am hoping it works because I need something for the pain . It is hard to function at times with this much pain . So far , I am hopeful about it . We are expecting another winter storm . Yuck , more snow , just what I want . NOT ! I do not want anymore snow but as I live in Michigan , there isn 't anything I can do about it as this is normal winter weather for this state . I am just tired of it this year for some reason . The garage door now works ! ! ! ! Yes ! It has been adjusted and works . I will eventually need to have it fixed , but right now it is okay . Since I don 't use it too much at this point , the adjustments will work . When I need it fixed , I just call Mr . Carnegie and he will come and fix it . He also didn 't charge me anything because he said he didn 't fix anything , he just adjusted a few things . I am just grateful that he was able to make the adjustments so now it works . Now all I have to do is empty 1 / 2 of the garage and be able to put my little car in . It has never been in my garage , poor little car . As soon as the snow is gone , I plan to put the table and chairs in the back yard on the patio . The rest of the stuff in the garage can then be moved to the 1 / 2 of garage I won 't need for the car . Then , my little baby car will be in the garage ! ! ! How cool is that ? Also , the garage door opener ( the portable one ) works still so that is so cool ! I am a happy camper with all of this . All in all it has been a pretty good day . I feeling a bit more positive overall these days , although I still miss Momma terribly . I miss her more now than I first did when she passed away . It is as difficult as I have been told . I feel for my friends who are in the same position , it is rough to be without a Mom . Moms are so necessary in our lives . I only try to do what I think my Momma would want me to do . Hard sometimes because I wouldn 't discuss what would happen after she passed away , I just couldn 't talk about it , now I am sorry , but I am doing what I think she would want me to do . It has been a day that started with anxiety over the finances again . I looked at my bank account and was like , crap , i forgot about the insurances that are automatically taken out and I wrote checks ! however , once I calmed down and realized I hadn 't deposited all the teaching checks , I would be okay . I will also be able to pay the house payment on time as that also worried me . What can I say ? It is one of those type days . I had 2 lessons today . Bob , rescheduled from Monday and Christine , a new student . Bob put Mom 's bed back together and the mattress back on the bed . I will make up the bed this week . I have a quilt I bought for my bed a couple of years ago that I didn 't like on my bed when I put it on . I kept it for some reason . Now I am glad that I did keep it because it will look really nice with Mom 's new blankets . They are blue . They will coordinate well together , I think . The blues will go well together . I also have some pillows for the bed . Overall , I think it will make a good guest suite as soon as I clean out the bathroom and put a shower curtain where the shower door used to be . Mom took off the door years ago and her friend was supposed to put it back on , but apparently he can 't do it . I can 't hire someone to do it because he has the parts for it . This makes me mad , but there isn 't anything I can do about it . I have asked for that part back but since he doesn 't come around much , and he was beginning to annoy me , I will live without the shower door where it belongs . At this point I don 't want to see him at all . I just want him to stay away . I am tired of listening to him about my weight . I have been listening to it for about 20 years now and I am not interested in listening to him anymore . I want him to leave me alone about it . He hasn 't been around for a few weeks , thankfully , last time he was here was on a Saturday when I was teaching ! I had told him a few weeks before that that I teach on Saturdays now and apparently he didn 't remember . I was in the middle of a lesson so he didn 't stay very long now that he doesn 't have Momma to talk to . He got in a fight with his wife before Mom 's funeral . She didn 't want him to go and he did . Yeah , for the last 20 years he has had a thing for my Momma . When he was divorced they dated but as soon as he remarried his wife , that was it for Mom . She only was a friend to him and that was only at work . She never saw him outside of work , ever . He has been accused of fooling around on his wiOverall , it has been a quiet day . I had 2 lessons , ate dinner , copied the CDs for my students that I needed to do and read my new book that I got a few weeks ago . It is a good book so far . I will probably finish it tomorrow . I have 2 lessons tomorrow . 1 is a new one and the other is Breanna . She is doing pretty well . She takes piano and voice . I do enjoy teaching her . I look forward to the new student . I have some music picked for her . I have the CDs ready for her too . I am heading to bed soon . I am very tired tonight . I don 't know if the Savella and the Celebrex is working , I think it is , but I will know more after I have been taking for a week . I do hope you are having a good day . I had my usual blood test this afternoon . Because of the blood disorder that I have I am on blood thinners and will be the rest of my life . I usually get my tests done every other week , sometimes sooner , sometimes later . This time , I have to go next week since my blood changed again . I have to skip the medicine tomorrow and then start a new dosage on Thursday . I was so thankful that the nurse only had to poke me once . Sometimes it takes more than one poke to get the blood . I do NOT like blood tests however , I do NOT want another blood clot , so I will meekly go and get my tests done . I also am starting celebrex and savella . I have not tried either so this is new waters with me . I do hope they help , but the end of the night I am in a lot of pain . My knee is getting a bit better now . I do hope with the new medications it will heal faster . I hate flares , of course , I know absolutely no one who likes them . I do hope this flare is over shortly . It has been a while since I have had a flare like this . Charlie had his lesson tonight . He is doing really well . He has picked out his 2 pieces for the spring concert , one is a classical piece and the other is Over the Rainbow . He is a fun lesson and such a good kid . I have had him for about 3 or 4 years now . It hard to believe that he is a junior in high school and will be 17 this summer . Didn 't he just turn 15 ? Yeah , feels that way . Rick had his last lesson for a month . He is going out of town for a month . He won 't be back until April 12 for his next lesson . I look forward to that . It is kind of a drag that he will be gone for so long , but there isn 't anything I can do about that . He is a fun student to teach . He wants to sing well so much and loves singing in general . He is definitely a kind of student that is good to have . Terrence should be back next week so that is good . i have to call this week to find out when he will be starting again . He has been gone for about a month too . That is the way it is for adults . Sometimes they have to miss because of work . I am flexible so that isn 't a problem . Today is a special day . Lily turns 13 today . Hard to believe that young lady is 13 but she is . I remember her when she was about 3 and so tiny ! She is an official teenager now . She is growing up so fast . I am not sure when she and I will be able to celebrate together , but I will fit in somehow . It is actually her schedule that is difficult , not mine . She is much busier than I am . I have lots of free time , it is Lily that doesn 't . It is nice though that she is busy . I wish I were busier at times . I have way to much time on my hands some days . Of course , I do have stuff that I could be doing , cleaning , laundry , things like that , but hey , sometimes I would rather read , or watch TV or talk on the phone . These things are much more fun . Anyways , I had the tax lawyer meeting today . I am very pleased with this . The lawyer is very nice and to the point . He did say that this is a very unusual case as generally he speaks with the actual person who owes the money , not the deceased person 's daughter . He has a few questions about the particulars of the case . He is going to be speaking to the IRS on Friday as the rest of his week is a bit busy . I don 't mind . He wants a 30 stay right away which he feels he should get right away . That would give him time he says . As long as I don 't lose the house , that is my goal . I need a place to live ! I love this house . It is the perfect set up for me . The studio in the living room with both pianos . I have the music in the office downstairs , I will have a sewing area , a library / TV area , and of course , a guest room . Basically , the house is perfect for me . It was perfect for Mom and I . I do plan to put some pictures of the family in the family room because the walls are very bare and boring . I will change that . I plan to put some pictures up of all of us . I don 't have a ton of pictures , but I do have some family pictures that we had taken in 1989 . They did turn out pretty well . I didn 't like my picture at the time it was taken but I like it now . I guess Mom was right ( again ! ) that someday I would like it . She was usually right ( darn it all ! ) . I have a new student starting tomorrow ! I can 't wait , plus I believe I will have another new one ( not with the new company ) on Thursday . She wanted to start tomorrow , but I have a blood test appointment at that time , so that won 't work this week . It will work for next week , but not this week , unfortunately . So I asked her if she had another day that would work , she said Thursday or Friday so I picked Thursday at 12 . I have another lesson on Thursday at 12 : 30 to 1 : 30 so this would work really well . I am excited about these new developments . I just need a few more and I will be all set . That would be really good ! I just have to wait and see . It has been a good day despite no lessons ! I feel very positive about the meeting with the lawyer . I paid a few bills yesterday that were mailed today . I did talk to a Doctor 's office today , I am on a payment plan so I am hopeful that that will pay it off quickly . I don 't know where the bill to this doctor is right now so next week is when they will be sending out a new one . I will pay it then . This grown up stuff can be so hard at times ! I am glad I had a trial run at being in charge of everything these last few years with Mom here . Being in charge of her really helped me get organized and keep track of everything . Now it is just me , so I have to be ready for everything . I hope you are having a good day too ! It wasn 't too cold out for a change . It is supposed to rain on Wednesday but be okay for tomorrow . That is good because I am going to the doctor 's office for the blood test . I have been so tired today . I don 't know why . Maybe it is just catching up on me , it was a busyish week . I got up at 11 and then took a nap a little while later . When I woke from the nap , my tummy was upset and my head was bad so I took some stuff for it , and went back to bed . In between the naps though , I had a lovely conversation with Kathy on the phone . It was fun . Samantha and Alicia had to say hi to me . It was so cute , Ali had the phone and didn 't say a word then handed it back to her mom . Sammy said hi and a few other things before giving the phone to Kathy . Jacob was kind of cranky because he had to read for a bit this afternoon . That is something Kathy and i just don 't understand . We love to read and poor Jacob just doesn 't . I have read a bit this afternoon but my head just hurts too much to read much today . As it is , I will be heading back to bed for the night in a while . I wrote some checks to pay some bills today . Boy it feels good to be able to pay some bills . I have a few more to pay this week too including some doctors . I owe so many doctors so much money . It is so frustrating but there isn 't anything I can do about it . i owe the money so i will slowly pay it . I was in mom 's room this afternoon . I have to get new sheets , blankets , and pillows because they got rid of hers . Those pillows were about 6 months old . I was not very happy . I will be doing that next month as this month I had to buy a box of contacts so that was the end of my spending money for the month as of right now anyways . I don 't think anyone is coming to visit right now so that shouldn 't be an issue . I will get it taken care of soon . I am not in a hurry . I do hope that I am able to hit some sales for the bedding too . I have to get a bed spread too . I thought that it had been saved but it was mom 's blanket it that was saved , not her bedspread . I really liked her bedspread too . I have the drapes and curtains so those won 't be an issue . I will probably buy the stuff a little bit at a time . I also still have the mattress waterproof cover . I am going to ask Bob if he can help me put the mattress back on the bed frame next week after his lesson . I am meeting with the lawyer tomorrow after his lesson so that is out tomorrow . I had a somewhat good day despite the many naps . The highlight was talking to Kathy and also my cousin , Cathy , made a comment on my face book that made me smile . She is so funny sometimes . I just love both Kathy and Cathy ! They are amazing women . I teach music and sewing to the most amazing kids in the world . I like to read and do crafts in my spare time . I also love reading blogs about other peoples life . I hope you enjoy reading mine . I also have fibromyalgia and arthritis . |
I love how wonderful today was . It was super busy for a change . First up was the lovely Breanna 's 2 lessons . She takes piano and voice . She is doing rather well . Piano is a bit of a challenge for her and doesn 't come as easy as the voice songs do , but overall , I am pleased with her progress . After that , Katie came to practice with the accompanist for her audition Saturday for the scholarship . When Katie was done practicing with Bea , Bea and I went to get a bite to eat . We went to the usual , Tim Horton 's . It was great as usual . We sat and chatted for about 45 minutes then headed back to my house for Rachel to come and rehearse with Bea . Rachel did very well with her music . I quickly then had to go for my 3 month check up for my tummy at Dr . T 's office . The appointment went quickly since it was just a check up . I am doing very well on the medicine so no worries there ! I also have graduated up to a 6 month check up instead of 3 months with the understanding should any side effects happen I am to call right away . I have never yet had any side effects from the medicine so I am not worried about it . I am very pleased with this progress as I have been going every 3 months for about 3 years now . Yeah ! The next appointment is in 6 months . Such great news ! It will be a quiet evening for me . I am not feeling especially tired like I was last night . Last night I actually went to bed around 8 pm . I was simply wiped out . I don 't know why , I just was . I had a decent night sleep , I did get up once to take some more pain medicine , but other than that , it was a good night for a change . I think tonight will be a regular night sleep . Tomorrow I have to get some light bulbs as the kitchen and the dining room are out . The problem ? I can 't hold my arms up long enough to change them myself so my friend , Heather B - T is going to change them during the kids lessons . Thank God for good friends ! ! ! It is rather embarrassing though to have to ask someone to change both the dining room and the kitchen light bulbs , thank goodness I don 't mind a little embarrassment if it means I get them changed ! I have definitely discovered humility with Fibromyalgia and Arthritis . I also have Bursitis in my shoulders , so basically , I am a mess . What can I say ? ? ? When the lights in the kitchen blew at Christmas Annie was in town so she changed them . Once again i was fortunate . I am very blessed with friends that help me do things . I am not sure what is for dinner tonight as I am not very hungry . I need to clean out my crock pot because I am going to make a roast this weekend . After it is finished I cut it up into several meals and freeze the extras . It makes for several meals that way and boy are they yummy . I do like using my crock pot a lot . It makes cooking really easy . Toss in and heat ! How hard is that ? Not very hard , even for me . Pain level isn 't too bad for a change . It is nicer out than it has been so I am thankful for that . Not as much pain in the warmer , but not too hot , weather . My hips like the new medicine . I can get out of chairs so much easier now . I am very thankful for the new stuff . I only wish the Savella worked too , but as I have less pain , over all it is better . If only I could lift my arms ! Ugh , I guess I can 't have everything ! I am glad yesterday is over . It ended on me breaking down ( again ! ) around 11 : 30 when I was heading to bed . I cried for another hour or so . I don 't usually have this issue , but with it being the little lady 's birthday and all , I did expect it . It is hard for me to believe how much I can miss one person and how big a hole in the heart and soul can be . But it is true , my heart is so broken over this . I think maybe if I had children of my own to take care of it would be different , but I doubt it . I just miss her so much of the time . It is all the little things not even the big things that I miss . I have one lesson tonight , Charlie . He plays the tenor saxophone and is doing very well . I am pleased with his progress most of the time . There is the rare time that he didn 't practice enough or at all , but those are far apart , thank goodness . He is also a drummer . He is going to play a percussion piece at the spring concert in May . I can 't wait and I think my little student , Acer can 't wait either . Acer and Charlie get along so well . It is quite nice to see the 16 year old with the 6 year old . They are pals . Katie and Rachel are audition this weekend for a scholarship . It is a $ 500 scholarship . I think both are ready . I know Rachel is since she has sung both songs before . Katie chose songs she has sung before to because we decided at the last minute she would audition . Rachel 's mom called me this morning because she couldn 't find an accompanist for her . I just found one for Katie so the same nice lady is going to do both . I was slightly embarrassed though because when I called to let Bea know that Katie was doing it , she said she got Rachel 's application . Well , I had sent Rachel a cover sheet about it in email but I never gave her the application because they never sent me their address . Rachel 's mom must have called them for it . But that is how I found out Rachel is also auditioning . I am glad she is , but I wish I had known before I called so I wouldn 't have been like , wow , really ? Cool . So both girls will be here on Thursday to practice with Bea . It should be lots of fun . Not too much going on here . I am absolutely exhausted from the meltdowns yesterday . I plan to go to bed a bit early or take a nap , one of the two . I should be doing some house work but I am just too tired to do it . It is a nice and relaxing day so far , just on the tired side . I don 't have to be anywhere for a change , no doctors appointments or bloodtests or anything like that . I do hope this finds you doing well . Today is Momma 's 77th birthday . It is the first one I have every celebrated without her . i don 't think since I was born there has been a birthday of hers I have missed . It has been a rough day , I would have to say . Tears here and there . I wish she were here . I do realize she is better off since she doesn 't have Alzheimer 's anymore , but I still miss her terribly . Last year we had two birthday parties for her . The reason for the two is that I originally only planned one , but our friends couldn 't come to the first one because most of them didn 't have passports . Well , because so many of them couldn 't come I decided to have a separate party just for friends at our house . It was a good choice . We had the family party . It was an open house but everyone stayed for pretty much the entire thing . I was happy that almost the entire family was there and I know Mom was happy to see them . She didn 't speak much to them but that is normal for Mom , she just smiled and smiled which made me very happy . She got some nice things too from the family . The following Saturday , we had the cake and ice cream party for our friends . Oh my , the living room was so full of our friends and neighbors it was unbelievable . That made both me and Mom smile too . It was such a nice time . Mom got a lot of nice cards and gifts . The cards she would read over and over for the next few weeks . It was like a nice surprise for her every time she picked one up . I left the cards on the dining room table for her to find and read for a few weeks before I put them up in her room . She liked looking at them in her room . When I look back at the last year , sometimes I just can 't believe a year has past . She was doing okay at this point a year ago . Her eating had become an issue at this point as she barely ate at all but she was drinking 3 to 4 ensures a day so she was getting enough nutrition . She could walk by herself although she preferred to hold my hand for guidance . Then she knew she was going in the proper direction . She could feed herself and dress herself at this point too . The only thing I did was to hand her her pants so that they would go on right . She also still helped me get dressed at this point . I also thought we had years left with her at this time last year . She was only in stage 4 . Mom was pretty independent last March . I had only an inkling of knowing this could be it . I wish we could go back in time because I want to be with her . I most of the time liked being with her all day and night . We still played some games then . It wasn 't until May that she flew through stages 5 through 6 and ended at the beginning of stage 7 . She smiled and laughed a lot last year at this time . All I would have to say is , where 's that pretty Mom 's smile and she would smile . I also got pictures taken of her last March . Boy , am I glad I did . I had no idea that those would be the last professional pictures ever taken of her . I had no idea at all . I am glad she let me get them down . The day we went , she was all , I don 't want my picture taken . So I told her I already made the appointment but if she still didn 't want them taken when we got there we wouldn 't do it . Naturally , she forgot she didn 't want her picture taken and when the photographer asked if she was the one getting her picture taken she said yes and let her take the pictures . I think they turned out very nicely . Pretty much all of the family and a few close friends got a picture of her . I still have Richard 's copy here at the house . but I sent him a copy by email . I do wonder how my brothers are doing today . Sometimes I am fine and others I am in tears . I would say it is mostly aI hope you are having a better day than me . I am just very sad today . I am actually doing laundry . I realized I have absolutely no clean pants ( except the pair I am wearing ) for the day to day wear . i do have dress pants clean , but they are for dress up stuff not day to day . I have nice fleece , warm pants for day to day stuff . I also have no clean cute sweatshirts that are for daily wear except my Christmas one , so I put on a t - shirt and dragged the laundry downstairs . I just have to transfer it to the dryer . Be right back ! Clothes are now in the dryer . Now I am tired . You would think I was running a marathon not putting clothes in the dryer ! Stupid Fibro ! Even mundane , boring , supposedly easy jobs tire me out . Ugh , oh , well , I don 't have to do anything with them for a bit so that is good . I went to Tim Horton 's today . I was feeling cooped up in the house so after a few minutes I packed myself and a book up and off I went . I stayed for about 2 hours reading . It was a nice change . I just needed to get out of the house for a few minutes . You know how it is , the house feels smaller and smaller until you want to scream , so instead of screaming , I went out . Good choice . I am reading " Awakening " by Angela Hunt . It is a book I bought a long time ago but never read . I always meant to but the subject became to close to me . It is about a woman a bit younger than me and how she is learning to live without her mother , who had dementia . Now when I bought it , Mom was only showing small signs of Alzheimer 's . I was too busy at the time to read it so I put it aside . Then when I had time , I couldn 't read it . Reading it now I see there are only few parallels of our lives . Her mother was a typical dementia patient and didn 't know who her daughter was at the end . My mother was not typical , she didn 't get angry very often , she wasn 't belligerent , or angry . She was polite and usually pretty quiet . She also most of the time knew who I was . Also , the main character , Aurora hasn 't left her apartment for about 10 years even while her mother was living , where as I have no problem going out into the world . She feels some resentment to her mother about taking care of her and I don 't resent taking care of my mom . I could have placed her anytime if I felt I needed to . I believed she would have better care , and my friends have agreed , if I took care of her . I got her whatever help I needed . The only thing I wish I hadn 't done that I have done was to place her for rehab in a nursing home for the 2 1 / 2 weeks she spent in one this past summer . That was not good for her and I wish I could undo that . It was a painfully bad experience for the both of us . Anyways , the main theme in the book is that she finds herself and more importantly , she finds God . Since I am close to God , I no longer see any real resemblance between me and the main It is a quiet day around here with just the laundry going . I did the dishes the other day so I need to empty out the dishwasher and fill it with the dirty dishes . I didn 't get as much done as I wanted yesterday so I may finish that up . I am enjoying the peace and quiet right now . I don 't mind silence like I did a few months ago . I still miss Mom so much . I have come to the conclusion that I will probably miss her like I do now forever . I am starting to make plans of my future , although the future still scares me at times . I do wish I saw my brothers more often than I do or at least spoke to them on a regular basis . Both are horrible at keeping in touch . Basically it is all me , I do the calling , I do the writing , the emailing , the messaging , but since I want to know how they are doing , I don 't mind . Maybe one day I will , but not right now . I do hope to see both boys soon . I don 't think it fazes them as much as it does me that we are all that is left of Mom . I am thankful for my uncles and my many cousins as they are very much appreciated , but of Mom , my brother 's are all that is left of her . I just wish I saw them more . It is an okay day for pain for a change . The celebrex really helps the lower back and the hips especially at night when I get up from sitting . I am so thankful we started that . At first , it didn 't seem like it worked until I went a few days without it . I hadn 't noticed I was getting up easier until it was hard again . I don 't take the Savella as it gave me insomnia , but I am taking the Celebrex I had 3 lessons total today . It was a quick 1 3 / 4 hours let me tell you and fun . All three students are doing very well . Amanda and Kayla each started a new song today . I was happy with what they did . Kayla did tell me that when Katie came early last week it made her nervous so today when Katie arrived I had her go into the dining room for a few minutes this way Kayla would be able to continue without being embarrassed . She had much more confidence today than she has had . I was pleased with this . Katie is auditioning for a scholarship next Saturday if we can find someone to accompany her . I do hope we do because she really wants to do this and if she doesn 't then they have to cancel the scholarship . We are on a time crunch with this . Both my friends are just not available although 1 is checking with her student to see if she would be available . I also just called another teacher I know in case he can do it . I can play the songs , I just don 't accompany very well , I start listening to the singing and well , there goes the piano part . I just never learned the art of accompanying . I think that is something I need to learn . I wonder how much Georgette would charge to teach me . Hm , I will find out . I figure either she or Diane can teach me to do this . I can play the piano pretty well although I think I teach it much better than I play . I could be wrong on this , but who knows ! I had planned on doing housework today . I am going to vacuum the rest of Mom 's room , the path in my room ( yes , it needs to be decluttered since things are no longer where they belong ) , the spare room , and the hallway with the stairs . That should be enough for the day . I try not to overdo it because the pain is immense when I do . I don 't wish to spend all day tomorrow in bed . While I don 't have much planned for tomorrow , I still do not wish to be in bed from pain all day . That would be a drag to say the least . I don 't know what I will do after that , I may read . I have 2 books I haven 't read yet waiting on the table and I have one I am currently reading . I love reading but sometimes I just don 't feel like it . I have a hard time some days finding enough good stuff to do . I think sometimes my naps in the afternoon are not only because I am tired but I am bored . My new course hasn 't arrived yet . I can 't wait until it does . Should be here sometime next week . I am anxious to get started with it . It is almost 3 in the afternoon so I am heading upstairs soon to start my vacuuming . It won 't take long but I would like it done before dinner . I may do the dining room , kitchen , and utility room floors tomorrow . I have to also scrub them . Yuck . Oh well , it needs to be done so I will do it . I plan to also watch some of the DVDs that I have that I haven 't seen yet . I keep meaning to but then when I have the time I end up doing something else . I feel like I am in the waiting mode and I don 't wait very well . Patience is not my best virtue . It is chilly out so my hips and legs are a bit sore today , plus since I split pop on my chair last night I had to sit on a different chair , so that caused extra pain too . It is sunny out though so that is a plus . I just wish we had slightly warmer weather to go along with the sun . I do hope we are finished with snow ! I am so tired of it . Well , I hope you are having a good day too ! What a wonderful evening filled with laughter and joy . Acer , Calli , and Heather stayed after their lessons for dinner and games . Bill joined us bring said dinner . it was so yummy ! We played Five Little Monkeys Sitting on a Bed . It was Calli 's new game that she got for her birthday last week . Once we were done eating Bill tightened up the screws under the table because it was so wobbly . It is so much better now . No wobble at all anymore . I am so thankful for that . I was afraid I would have to get a new table and I really didn 't want to as I love this one . I have 4 chairs to tighten and reglue this summer though . I know how now . I can 't wait to do this but I need warmer weather so I can open up the windows in case the glue smells . Anyways , I actually won the game , surprisingly . My little monkeys stayed on the bed ! It was such a fun game . I think Calli is pleased with her choice of a game . She and I love playing games together . We are also Uno girls . We love our Uno . She has a special set that someone Brailled for her so she can play independently , which we both enjoy . I did do a silly thing though . I was carrying the chicken bucket , corn , gravy , and macaroni dishes to the counter so Bill could do the table and I split the gravy and my pop . Now the gravy landed on the tablecloth . Thank goodness I just changed it to a vinyl one ! However , my pop landed on my chair which has a cloth top . Yup , I did a great job of soaking my chair and now there will be a stain . I will scrub it out tomorrow and see if I can clean my chair . What a silly thing to do . Next time ? I will just carry a few things at a time and not pile them up on top of each other . It has been a very good day . I woke up late , which wasn 't a good thing , but I was so exhausted . I went to get something to eat and then I came home . I played on the computer a bit before lessons and the rest is history ! I haven 't had much pain today . I am glad about that . The celebrex works pretty well although the health insurance wants me to switch to something else since celebrex is not covered . I also have the application for the Pfizer company for lowering the price of Celebrex . I will discuss with Dr . G to see what is best to do and then follow his instructions . Bill found a mug from when Tillie and Maia were here last month on the window sill . Needless to say the cup looks rather gross right now . I hope it cleans up okay as it is one of my favorites . He also found 2 books . I am not happy about this , but I suppose if I opened the drapes more often I would have found then a month ago . Well , I don 't always open them . I used to but I don 't always do . It is just not something I do everyday . Either way , I am still upset over the mug with left over coffee in it . Yuck . Like I said , I hope it cleans up nicely . I have 3 lessons tomorrow starting at 11 am so I have to get up early . I don 't mind 11 am lessons , it is the earlier ones I have trouble with . Amanda comes at 11 , Kayla at 11 : 30 , and Katie at 12 : 15 this week . Next week , Christine will have her lesson Saturday evening . Hey , what works for her , works for me . That is what I have to say about that . She is doing very well . I am revising my plan with her because she also plays another instrument which means she can read music very well . I am giving her other stuff , not just stuff out of her book too . She seems to like that . I will find more fun stuff for her to play too . I am some nice 5 finger stuff that she will like . Well , I am getting tired now so it is about bedtime for me . I will be setting my alarm because I don 't want to miss a lesson . Boy is this house quiet now after all the activity . I so enjoyed myself so much . It is nice to have activity every so often . They will again be staying for dinner in 2 weeks because it will be my birthday and I want to have a small celebration on my actual birthday . I have a family birthday party gathering with some friends too at my cousin , Darrin 's house on the 16th . That will be fun too . But i felt something small for the actual day would be good and the Bowman - Tomlinson family is perfect for that . The kids will have their lessons and then stay for games and dinner . I am glad the sun is shining ! It makes it a bit warmer than it was yesterday , however , we are still in winter temperatures around here with some of the white stuff ( snow ) on the ground and some icy patches . At least the sun is shining today . I will probably have to have the little heater on this evening when the sun goes down since the wind chill is low . I can 't wait until we get actual open the windows and let the sunshine in weather . I also will need to clean said windows too , but hey , that is another day . I had Breanna 's lesson this afternoon . She is doing pretty well . She is anxious to get to advanced level stuff right away . It is so cute to see . She is very ambitious and works rather hard so that is a great thing . She also has determination which is another great trait of a good student . I never have to worry about her not practicing or doing her theory work because she wants to learn as much as she can to improve . I just would like 10 more students just like her ! She is the type that makes teaching a great job . Not that my other students are not doing well , they are too . I have great students right now , I just need 10 more to pay all the bills not just some of them . I pray I will get them soon . I read a blog post today of one of my regular reads , Connie , ( a very inspirational person ) and she is redoing part of her house . I now can 't wait until after tax season to do the downstairs . I am so anxious to have a sewing / craft area and a library / TV are now . I want to put pictures up on the wall and wall hangings up . I am just anxious to have my house just so ! I get great ideas from Connie 's blog . She always post the prettiest decorating ideas . She also loves the color pink like I do ! Unfortunately , the carpet in the family room is brown , so pink is out unless I keep the furniture that is down there and then I could pain the walls pink to coordinate with the pink in the pink and brown furniture . I wonder how hard it would be to restuff the cushions . Would it really be that hard of a job ? I don 't know . I love the furniture that is down there , it is just that some redoing needs to be done . Hm , I will have to ask some experts I know , like Connie and a few of my friends . I am really rethinking this now . I am thinking there is room down in the family room for the furniture . I will measure and find out . It is really pretty furniture that is in excellent condition ( thanks Mom ! ) . Mom took really good care of it . So , I am glad I haven 't taken any picture of the furniture yet . I am , however , getting rid of the bar stools and the shuffle board . Those things have no place or use in the new family room . They just take up too much space , way too much space . Anyways , a quiet evening is expected . I spoke to Kathy and Donna today . I will turn the news on soon and watch that . It is probably an HGTV night since there isn 't anything else on . I hope you are having a good day too . I am freezing right now . I have a sweatshirt and fleece pants on and I am still cold . It is because of the freezing rain we are getting , I think . All I know is that I turned on the little heater . It is blowing right on me and boy does it feel nice ! Heaven ! Despite the freezing rain , I bravely ( he he he ) drove to my friend , Donna 's house to pick her up . She can 't drive right now because she was in an accident about a month ago and it totaled her car . She has had more health problems since then too . I feel so bad for her but I am glad she is getting good care from the doctors . That is the important thing . So I picked her up and off we went to Burger King for lunch . She treated me ! It was very cool . We were there for about 2 hours chatting away . Sometimes she speaks very softly and I can 't hear her so I have to say speak up . I have 50 % hearing loss in each ear . When I was young I had some infections that caused the hearing loss . One in particular I never told Mom that my ears hurt and were plugged so I didn 't go and get the medicine until I had had the problem for about 7 months . My Math and Science teacher finally asked if I could hear him and I said no . He was standing and quickly sat down . He couldn 't believe it so during the break between classes he called me up and asked how long it had been since I could hear him in class . I said since October ( this was May by this time ) . He immediately let everyone of my teachers know I couldn 't hear . I never got moved so fast in my life , I was immediately moved to the front of the room for every class . It didn 't stop there . He went to my counselor and told him and then they called Mom and told her . She was as flabbergasted as they were because I never told anyone . I had an ear doctor specialist appointment for about 2 days later after than and then a few weeks later I had surgery on my ears and I could hear a bit better . I went from 75 % hearing loss to 50 % . The specialist told my mom that because I didn 't say anything for months it was too late to save more of my hearing . I did try hearing aids but they gave me headaches because everything , and I mean , everything is amplified . I still don 't wear hearing aids . Generally I am okay in most situations . I do fine with the phone , only a few voices are hard to hear . Mom was so upset So anyways , I digress . We had a wonderful time . She misses Mom too because she used to come and pick Mom up to go with her places when we had the store . She would drop her granddaughter off for her trumpet lesson and then she and Mom would go for ice cream sometimes . Donna would sometimes come during the day to whisk Mom away with her for running errands and stuff like that . She liked Mom 's company . Sometimes I would come down the stairs at the store and Mom would be gone . I always knew who she was with because there would be a note that says , I have Mom ! Mom loved that . Donna was a good friend to Mom and she is a good friend to me . Today was the first day I have actually seen her though since probably about November . We talk frequently on the phone though , about every few days . It was nice to see her in person for a change . I don 't have any lessons today so it is a bit of a boring day now . I have some good books to read though and I want to put the sheets and blankets on Mom 's bed for guests when I have them . I just have to vacuum the one side of the room and make up the bed then Mom 's room is officially done . There are two boxes in the closet with some Disney stuff in them . I have some of her stuff in my room too . There are some boxes in the garage too of Mom 's stuff that I have to go through . I will after tax season when Lily and her mom , Julie are available to help . Julie is going to help me with the family room . All after tax season which officially ends April 19 this year . I can wait until then no problem ! I am thankful for the help for these type things . I can 't wait until the sewing area is put together . That should be very cool ! I am looking forward to having a family room I can use again . It has been about 5 years now since we haven 't been able to use it . I plan to have the students over during the summer for craft afternoons . I have 2 kits full of beaded ornaments to make . there are about 50 ornaments you can make in each kit so that is plenty . It should be lots of fun too ! Anyways , this is getting long and I have discovered that blogspot cuts out some of your post if you are too long . Mean old blogspot ! I do hope this finds you doing well and having a great day ! Around 5 pm it started snowing hard again . We are supposed to get a few inches . I am hoping that we don 't get that much because we are on the border of the bad stuff and the not so bad stuff . I am hoping for the not so bad stuff . I have officially decided I no longer like snow after Christmas . I used to like it , but not anymore . It has been so cold this winter . It makes me stiff and sore like so many I know . I often wonder on days like this what Heaven is like and how is Mom liking the weather there . I took all the paperwork to the tax professional , Julie today . She is a good friend of mine . It was sad to do because it is the last tax paperwork I will have to do for the little lady . I don 't like having to do this last things for Mom . I want my mom here , not in Heaven . Yes , I know , she is much better off because she was suffering and all that , I never said I was logical , however , I just miss her so much . I didn 't total anything this year like I always do . I just put the stuff in the envelope and gave it to Julie . I am hopeful that the only thing I am missing is the copy of the horrible death certificate . I hate that thing . It is illogical , I know , but I happen to hate almost anything that has to do with her passing away . I want my little Mom back , the way she was a few years ago when she could still enjoy stuff and have a good time . Julie is going to help me get the house in order including some of what is left of Mom 's stuff . I have a good amount of costume jewelry that belonged to Mom along with some other pieces . I have to collect them all and decide what to do with that . I have the special necklace in the bank that will go to Abby when she is 16 . Right now it is all mine until Abby is 16 . Then we share it until I pass . This necklace was given to my great grandmother by her brother , Andrew when she was 16 . Great grandma gave it to my mom when she was 16 and then I got it when I turned 16 . It is a sentimental piece that Mom simply loved . I like it too . I think Abby will like it . I hope I don 't owe too much to the IRS this year . With the tight budget that I have , I don 't have extra to pay . We shall see . I am going to start removing a few boxes from the storage unit this week after the awful snow clears . I figure if I can get a box or two that I want every few days out of there , when we can finally empty it , it will be easier to do because I will have all my stuff out of there . There are a few boxes that I may not be able to lift , but I can try the other ones . I am still hopeful that the snow globes are okay , I have no lessons tomorrow . I do hope the roads are alright because I am supposed to meet my friend for lunch . However , should the roads be icy like the weatherpeople It has been a good day . Tax stuff is in , 1 lesson taught , all in all , a good day . I am just pretty tired . I hope your day has been good too . I spoke with Bob today . I had message he and Maggie about a decision that I was trying to make . As it turns out , I feel I made a good decision , but I am glad that I messaged them because they gave me a few other things to think about . Thank goodness for good friends . I do feel I have a good plan now that I have been lacking in direction at times ( outside of teaching ) and really need some focus for long term planning . When I had Mom here ( before she needed 24 / 7 care from me ) I could speak to her about these decisions and thoughts and I do miss that a lot . I do have a savings plan , even with my tiny budget , that I will be doing . My emergency fund is very small at this point and needs to grow . I have added a savings plan in my monthly budget now . It makes me feel much better knowing I have a plan . I am a planning kind of girl . I feel like the fog may be starting to be lifted about some things . I don 't always feel like I am walking through mud all the time , just most of it . I am hoping the new roadmap will help with the mud feeling . It is a bad missing Mom day mainly because I had to have someone else to discuss things with . I couldn 't talk to her about it and hear her thoughts about that . It just is something I will have to get used to now . I don 't particularly like it , but I will have to get used to it . Mom is in Heaven and isn 't here to talk too . I miss my sounding board . I have had to find a different one . I am thankful for the suggestions for me to think about . I hadn 't given some things attention and I needed to . Thank God for good friends . I had my lovely Muglia girls for their lessons today including Sarah , one of the little sisters . She just started today . She has played out of the book for a while and got all the way up to where she is starting to read notes so that is where we started today . I think she will do very well just like the older sisters . I brought the older girls a huge ( I mean huge ) bag of hoodies that were Mom 's . Some of them she has worn , many of them she bought and forgot she had or I forgot she had so she never worn them . There were a couple of really cute disney ones that I think the girls will just love . I asked that any that they don 't want ( I am sure there are some ) to please donate them . They said they would . There are a bunch of cute hoodies there that I wished I fit into . No hope there though . By the time I may fit in them , they will be long out of style besides I have a bunch of cute hoodies that I have gotten in the last few years . It was so nice to teach 5 lessons in one day . I miss being that busy . I mean , some days I am teaching just 1 lessons . Now , I am grateful for that one lesson , I just want to be busier and soon I will be . I am hopeful that I will get more students soon . I know that by fall I will , I just need new students long before that . Summer is coming and that is a tough time for lessons although the last couple of summers haven 't been super bad like they were a few years ago so I am hopeful that this summer won 't be too bad again . I don 't have any plans at this time to go on vacation . I would like to go and see my brother in Seattle , but I am not sure that will happen . All depends on his busy schedule so we will wait and see . I am rather tired today now . I didn 't sleep very well last night . I haven 't been sleeping very well these last few nights . I don 't know why . I think since I had to get up so early this morning that perhaps I will sleep well tonight . I am hopeful about that . It has been a good day overall . I enjoyed the 5 lessons that I have taught today . My girls are doing awesome with their music and Bob is doing very well too . He will be ready in time for the spring concert . The girls won 't be able to attend because baby number 9 in the Muglia house will be making his debut around that time . Thomas is expected in the 2nd and 3rd week of May . It will be a busy but exciting time for them . Well , I did it . I went and ordered the course for writing . When I clicked on to order it I got a big surprise ! It was 1 / 2 half off ! Talk about a nice surprise ! I was pleased because I don 't have to use emergency money for this now . I am so happy about that . You just never know do you ? I do hope to get the course rather quickly because I am anxious to get started . I now just need the creative juices that have been hiding in the fibro fog , to come out and get started again . The nice thing is that I can do this at my pace which is probably slower than most people 's pace , but hey , that is okay . It is okay to go slower than the rest of the world , right ? It is a quiet day as I don 't teach on Sundays very often anymore . I am trying to have one day where I can not teach and do some stuff around the house . I have time to rest if necessary so that is good . Today 's big challenge is bringing up the little sewing machine for my girls and separating hoodies for them . I also have to bring down the hoodies that are in my room that were also mom 's . She never wore these ones so they are going to the girls . I am still pretty tired as I had nightmares a bit last night . I dreamed I was surrounded by Wraiths from the Stargate Atlantis show . Very strange dream let me tell you . I can 't remember all of it , I just remember praying that the dream would go away and happy dreams would come back . It is a missing the little Mom bad day today . I got teary eyed when I went to the music store to pick up the music for both Christine and for Sarah . Mom used to go all the time with me and look through the music to see what was there and what we wanted . I miss going there with her . She was always so excited when I bought new music . If I bought some for me , she would immediately label it and catalogue it . My music is all catalogue all thanks to Mom . She spent hours getting it ready for me . She copied almost all the original CDs so that I would have copies to give out instead of originals . How cool is that ? Very , if you ask me . I have 3 legal size file cabinets filled with music , so you can see what a big job this was . Mom was just so organized that way . I miss her organization skills as I am not as organized as she was . She kept me nice and organized . All my music was always put away when not in use . I mean , I had it so good . Just one more of a million reasons I miss her so much . It is hard to believe how much you can miss one person in life . It hurts physically at times with how much I miss her . Today , it is not a physically hurt missing her day so that is good . Either that or I have much better pain meds than I used to . I would say it is just a super missing mom day without the physical pain of it . I knew that when Mom passed away I would miss her this much . I was warned ahead of time by one of my friends who has lost her mom how bad it would be so this isn 't a surprise , I just don 't know when it is going to get better . Some days aren 't too bad because I am busy but some are super bad . I think if I get back into my writing this will help some because Mom liked my writing . She would say go do some writing , you will feel better or go play the piano . She was always saying things like that . I feel like i honor her when I am teaching as she was so proud that I was a teacher and I think I will honor her again while I am writing . The one thing she always told me ( and several teachers have said too ) is to never write a It is going to be a decent day even though it is colder than it has been this week . I am looking forward to a busy week with lessons and getting my new writing course . I can 't wait for that to come in . I do hope you are having a good day too . I had 3 lessons this late morning / early afternoon . I got up earlier than usual because the lessons start at 11 am . Yes , I know , it is not early for some people , but it is for me . I got up at 10 : 30 and then went downstairs to sit and wait . I sort of dozed as I was waiting for Amanda . Amanda is doing very well . She is happy with the songs she is learning . We talked a bit about what she wanted to do for the spring concert . I told her ( and Kayla ) that if there was something in particular they want to learn and I don 't have it , they will have to go and purchase it themselves . I don 't have much in the way of popular music . It is just not possible for me to keep up with that . I don 't have the money nor the space for the music . Kayla had her lesson right after Amanda . She is doing very well , but she thinks she is doing terrible . I try to encourage her to let her know she is doing well . She just doesn 't believe me . The biggest problem is that Amanda has a naturally mature voice while Kayla has a regular 12 year old voice . Her voice will mature , I keep telling her this . She is only 12 , of course she says she is 13 , which she isn 't . She has negativity for much of her lesson these days . I am at wits end trying to figure out what to do . She is doing very well and there has been improvement with her voice . I think next week I will give her a lower song that may help her feel a bit better . I just don 't know . It is so tough to watch a young person with so much potential and talent think she doesn 't have either . Katie had her lesson after Kayla . She received her score sheets back from competition . She is pleased with how she did . She is going to audition for a scholarship that is put on by a local teacher group . She could win $ 500 . That is a big chunk of money that she could definitely need for school in the next few years . Katie is in high school but she is in a special program that requires her to go 1 more year for high school because by the time she finishes high school she will also have her associates degree . I am so happy After lessons I wanted to get out of the house for a bit . i was feeling a bit of cabin fever so I went to Tim Horton 's for lunch . I am working on cutting out a lot of my trips there because I just can 't afford it without Mom here plus it was getting boring without having someone to go with . I enjoyed her company so much that to go on my own is just not what I want . When I got home I took a nap because I was so tired . Between getting up early and not having a good sleep last night , I was very tired . I ended up sleeping for 4 hours and I am still tired . I am not sure when I will go to bed tonight whether it will be early or regular time . Tomorrow I need to pull my tax stuff together and get Sarah her new books for piano . She is starting Monday after her sisters ' lesson . I know have 4 of the Muglia children for students . I am excited for Sarah to be starting . Apparently , she plays a bit everyday . That is a good habit to get into . Her older sisters practice pretty much everyday and have since they started lessons so many years ago . I think it was about 8 years ago , but I am not sure . I think Hannah was 7 and now she is 15 . Lydia was 6 and now she is 14 . Natalie didn 't started with her sisters , but she easily caught up to them and now they are all about at the same level which is nice and not because they all play the same music eventually . I try not to give them the same songs at the same time though so there is some variety in the practicing . I am at a loss of what to do . There is a children 's book writing course I would like to take . I have been writing for young people since I was a teenager . I have some talent ( I am certainly NOT saying I am the best ever , because I am NOT ) and I have been told that I do . I have taken a couple of other writing courses with this company so I know the company . Their copywritingbreakingant to get back into writing and I do feel the course would help me break into the business . I just don 't know if I should use the emergency money . There isn 't much left and this would make even less . However , I do know that if I tighten my belt , I can replace some of the money in the next few months so that is a possibility . It is so hard to make this type of decision by myself . I have asked 2 friends for their opinions . I could use the extra money if I get published , but I know breaking in is a difficult thing , not impossible , but difficult and I haven 't written professionally for about 5 years now so it is like rebreaking into the field . I don 't know . I have been praying about it . I was supposed to have 4 students today and ended up with 1 . I am thankful for the one . The first student , Terry , I had spoke to earlier this week to find out his schedule . We agreed that Friday at 1 pm would be good . Unfortunately he didn 't let the new company know or he didn 't get back in town on time , either way he didn 't have a lesson . The other two 's Mom was not feeling very well today . She gets bad headaches like I do , so when they arrive , you can only lay down and hope that it goes away so that left only Christine 's lesson . Thankfully , she and her Mom are feeling good for the day . Christine will have her lesson again next week at the same time . She is 10 almost 11 . Calli just turned 11 . I think the girls will get along well and have someone to hang out with at concerts . I just wish they were closer in the piano levels so they could play duets together . Oh , well , I will get a duet from someone someday . I will just have to wait a bit longer . Last night was a great evening . Breanna had her lesson and right after I went over to Heather B - T 's house for Calli 's birthday dinner and brownies . It was a wonderful time . By the time I got there Acer was waking up from a wee sleep and Calli and I were chatting away . I can 't believe the lovely young lady is now 11 . It is hard to believe , but it is true . She is 11 . I was honored to be asked to come and celebrate with her . Talk about a great time ! I had a wonderful evening with the family . Calli got some nice gifts for her birthday . She was very excited about that . Acer was excited to help Calli open up gifts . We had rice with spinach , chicken , and veggies for dinner with homemade brownies for desert . Calli wanted brownies instead of cake . Hey , works for me . Whatever works for her , works for me . Overall , a great evening and no place I would have rather spent it . They are great kids and i enjoy all the time I get to spend with them . I met up with my friend , Wendy for tea this afternoon . We had such a good time as usual . She is a good friend . We meet up every few months to hang out for a bit . She is a pretty busy person . She works two jobs , not to mention a wife and mother with 2 lovely children . We usually only get about 1 1 / 2 hours , but hey , I will take as much time as I can get . I enjoy talking to her about everything . Her daughter just made her high school freshman softball team . She is so excited about that . I was excited for her . She has played softball for about 9 years now . The Celebrex seems to be helping with the lower back and hips pain . I don 't have as much pain getting up from my chair at nighttime . I am glad about that . It was getting really hard at nighttime . Anytime after 5 pm the pain would just get worse . I know that is about the sun goes down and the temperature drops , but the pain would just be worse . I am thankful something is working a bit . it doesn 't erase all the pain , but it is helping some and that is what I needed . I didn 't expect it to get rid of the pain . I don 't think anything will . With the 2 temporary students finished , the 5 adult students who started in January and have quit , and the other student who has quit , I find once again I am nervous about finances . I am praying for more students that will stay with the lessons . I need some more so that I can make all my bills not just some of the bills . I need prayers on this a lot right now . I know that I am not the only one in this position . I do hope that in the next month or so I will be able to be okay again . I am hopeful in this . I am trying to rely on prayer and faith on this . I am confident that eventually I will have the amount of students I need to pay all of my bills not just some of them . Overall , I must say , despite my disappointment over the first student not showing up , it has been a good day . Meeting up with Wendy and having Christine 's lesson have made it a good day . I do hope my friend , Heather B - T 's headache is gone and she is having a good evening . It has been a pretty good week so far . Tomorrow I have 3 lessons that I am excited about . I don 't know what else I am going to do tomorrow , but the lessons will be fun . I do hope this finds you doing well too ! I didn 't have any students today , which is alright . I would rather have a student , but today just isn 't a day I have one . Last week 's new student that had her lesson on Wednesday will have hers on Friday this week . She is what the new company calls a flex student because she doesn 't have a set time every week due to her mother 's work schedule . Her Mom is a nurse and works 12 hour days so there is no set schedule for her . I don 't mind as long as she has a lesson every week . My friend from high school , Vicki is coming by . She has a good friend who 's husband needs a heart transplant and they are holding a fundraiser so she is coming for a few violins . I am happy to have them go for a good cause . I do have 2 that need to be painted , I am planning to paint them this spring . It has been 2 years since I have painted a violin . I have 16 that are painted left . I want to take some pictures of them and put them on ebay . I am going to get a new memory card since I can 't figure out how to clear mine . I have removed all the pictures yet the card still says it is full . I am so technological inept that I will just buy a new one instead . I will do that next month as this month is very , very tight financially speaking . I asked for the price of Savella today at the pharmacy . It is $ 147 a month . Yeah , that is a lot of money I don 't have . The biggest concern I have ( outside of price ) is that the week that I have been taking it , I have had 3 nights of no sleep . One of the side effects is Insomnia . Is less pain worth no sleep ? I don 't know . I just don 't know what to do about it . I did get the Celebrex today at the cost of $ 127 for the month . I used some of the emergency money . I wrote an email to my older brother and he suggested i contact the company who makes Celebrex to see if they have a program to help pay for it so I did . They are sending me an application that both me and Dr . G have to fill out . It will get here in time for my next appointment with him . I pretty sure I qualify for free medicine because of my low income . I am way under their cutoff point but about 11 , 000 so I am pretty sure I qualify . However , I was reading the info for the side effects and things like that and it says that taking it with the blood thinning medicine may cause some bleeding . Once again , now what ? Is this why the arthritis doctor didn 't give it to me in the first place ? I guess I will just monitor myself and see what happens . The Celebrex really helps with the hips and lower back pain from the arthritis so I am going to see about keeping it and just watch myself in case something happens . I am putting my receipts together this weekend so that I can make my appointment with Julie to get the taxes done . I am not really in a hurry as I usually don 't get anything back . You actually need to pay tax to get some back and since they don 't tax social security , I don 't get any back . Makes sense to me ! Sometimes I have to pay because of teaching but I think this year I have enough bills that will cancel them out . I do hope so . I don 't have any extra money to pay the IRS with . Boy , things are sure tight without Mom and her social security . I didn 't realize how good we had it until it was gone . Of course , I miss Mom more than just for her money . I miss her so much everyday . My friends have been so right , I miss her more now than when she first passed away 5 months ago . Friday will be the 5 month anniversary . My heart broke then and I just don 't see it healing to quickly without the little lady around . I do enjoy looking at pictures of her though . She had such a pretty smile ! Saturday is my nephew , William 's birthday . He will turn 10 already . So hard to believe . It seems like yesterday that he was born . I remember the day he was born as well as the day his older sister was born . Two of the best days of my life . We have another special birthday this week too . My friend , Heather B - T 's daughter , Calli turns 11 tomorrow . I am going over for dinner and brownies and floats . It will be so nice . I just can 't believe how fast these kids are growing . Seems like yesterday Calli was just 9 and arriving here . These last two years have just flown . My friend , Vicki just left with 3 violins for the fundraiser . She picked them out herself . I wanted her to . I think it makes it more special if you pick them yourself . So far , it is a less pain day . My back is a bit sore for some reason where it usually isn 't , but other than that , the pain is under control for a change . I have a good evening so far with a nice visit with Vicki and her Mom . I am so glad she is close to her Mom just like I was . She spends at least one night with her Mom every week . I do hope that you are having a good evening too ! I may have been a bit hasty in my thinking the Celebrex and the Savella aren 't working . I haven 't taken either of them for 2 days and tonight when I got out of my chair , oh my , the pain . I also can 't sleep because of the pain . Yes , I came down and took a Savella . I also priced the Savella . I don 't know how I will afford them , but they did seem to work enough where I could get out of the chair without to much pain at night and get some sleep . Right now it is 2 : 08 am and I am tired but I ache so I can 't really sleep . Thank goodness tomorrow is a no student day , just my friend Vicki stopping by to pick up some violins for a fundraiser they are planning for her friend 's husband . He needs a heart transplant and they don 't have the money for it . I am not sure how I can buckle down more to stretch the money to get the new prescriptions , but I will try . I may be able to get some more samples from the doctor but I know he was out of the Celebrex , that was why he wrote me a prescription for it and only gave me 6 days worth of the sample . I don 't know , but I will try somehow . How do people do it with more prescriptions ? I know , they don 't fill them . that is what I have done in the past , stopped taking a lot of the medicine . What can I say ? I am in the same boat as so many that I know . I am thankful that I have the Medicare part D but I do wish I had some secondary insurance but I am not at the point that I can afford something like that right now . Please pray that I get more students . That would help . 2 new weekly students on my own or 4 new weekly students from the new company and I will be able to pay for the new prescriptions . I also need a few more to pay for the property taxes too . I am still just a bit short to make everything , I have the basics now , just need the property tax and the new prescriptions to be covered and then I will be fine . I am going to try to get some sleep now . I do hope I do . I don 't like being awake at this time of night . I should be asleep like the rest of the world . Nighty night ! Hard to believe we are in the middle of March already . I suppose it isn 't a bad thing , just surprising that it is here already . I spoke to Kathy on the phone today for over an hour and boy was it great . I so miss seeing her all the time . You would think after 14 years of her living in the western part of the state that I would be used to it , but no , I am not . I try to talk with her at least once a week or once every other week . With the way her kids are growing , anything less and I miss something . I am not as tired as I thought I would be at this time of day . I had to get up earlier than usual for the blood test today . Only one poke today ! Thank goodness for that . I figured I would need a nap before Charlie 's lesson tonight . Maybe I won 't . that would be nice , a napless day , highly unlikely though . He will be here this evening . He is such a good kid . He is definitely one of those student teachers love to have . Tomorrow is a studentless day . Maybe I will go and get my hair cut . I want to get some bangs and some length cut off . We shall see . I don 't know . I do want to get some vacuuming done tomorrow on the main level since when my cousins were here the floor needs it pretty bad . i also need to scrub that area too . That would about do me in for the rest of the day so that will be my only plans tomorrow . I plan on putting the sheets and blankets on Mom 's bed tonight before bed . The quilt will look so pretty with the new blankets and pillows . I am pleased with my purchase . Then it will just need a guest to come and stay the night in there . Monday I have the Muglia girls for their lessons . I am bringing the portable sewing machine for them and the hoodies that I have to separate . I have several hoodies that I think will look so cute on them that were Mom 's . Most of the ones I am giving them Mom never wore or rarely wore but some are ones she wore . The 3 older girls love hoodies a lot and since I have quite a few , I am giving them some . There are about 4 in my room that need to go . Those ones , Mom never wore because they were too thin for her but she would have looked so adorable with them on . I just wish she could have worn them . We had fun picking them out for her . Mom had a nice smile when she realized that they were for her . She was always surprised when I bought stuff for her like that . She rarely asked for anything too . Once in a while we would pass a particularly cute stuffed animal or a sweatshirt or something like that and she would ask if we could get it . Generally , this was so rare that I almost always was able to get it for her . We usually only were at the store when we had money to spend anyway . I am not a window shopper and I hate going shopping in general so to shop and only look doesn 't work well for me . I go when I have a particular thing I need and I have the money to purchase it . I work on the cash only basis . It is amazing though , how many credit card offers I have received since I filled for bankruptcy . Yeah , you know I shred those things super duper fast . First of all , I don 't have extra money to be paying a credit card bill every month and second of all , I don 't need a credit card to temp me . I have no reason to really have one especially one that has $ 150 a year fee . If I had $ 150 a year it would go on a bill , not the credit card . Yes , eventually I will need to start working on rebuilding my credit , but the offers I have been getting are not the way to do it . Nothing like temping the person who just declared bankruptcy to go and get in the same financial mess again . Of course , I wouldn 't because I don 't have a store to lose agI am going to read for a bit before I make myself some dinner . I don 't really know what I want but I will figure it out shortly . So far , despite the blood test , it is a good day . Pain level isn 't too bad . My knee is almost back to normal so all in all , it is a good day . I do hope you are having a good day too ! Oh my , the time change ! Wrecks havoc on me every year twice a year . I don 't know why , but I just don 't respond well with it . I had to take a 3 hour nap this afternoon / early evening with it . I don 't get it . I hope by the end of the week I will be fine . We shall see . I just checked my planner . I have a blood test tomorrow morning . Yuck o ! I will go though because my blood was kind of messed up last week and I hope it is back to normal . I hate extra blood tests . I hope after this I won 't need a new one for 3 weeks which is the next doctor appointment . I hope to get a better pain pill and that will be it at the next doctor visit . The new medicines didn 't work and I am tired of trying new ones . I had Bob 's lesson this afternoon . He is doing very well right now on his songs . He is working on the tempo of the pop piece and the first page is pretty much there so that is a great start . He can play the invention faster than when he plays it for me , but when I am there he gets a bit nervous , so he has to slow down . A normal reaction for a student . You always can play better at home than when someone is staring at your hands like I am . I am annoyed tonight by something someone said to me . I am trying not to let it bother me , but it does . I didn 't appreciate it and I wish I had never answered the call . Next time , I will not answer . It is getting so nice outside right now though I am sure we are not done with snow . I didn 't get the news tonight because I was just getting up from my nap , so I missed the weather report . I will check online before bed so I know if we will have white stuff on the ground like we did one day last week . I don 't remember the day . I am really hoping we are finished with the winter . I am so tired of being cold . I started making the bed in Mom 's room today before the nap . All I got to was the mattress cover . I will do the rest tomorrow . I also have to put the night stands back where they belong and the chest of drawers that was moved too . Then take the empty boxes out and put them in the garage , vacuum again , close her closet doors , and her room is ready for visitors . I think the visitors will like what I did with Mom 's bed . I do have to put up the sheer curtains and the one set of drapes as they are down , but I will do that when I have some help because it is difficult to put drapes and curtains up by yourself . I have tried and it just doesn 't work , plain and simple . Then I will vacuum the hallway , the spare room , the path in my room and then bring it to the kitchen and dining room , which also need to be vacuum but I will wait until the next day for that one . Too much vacuuming makes me ache from the motions of vacuuming . I can 't really say what kind of day it has been as I think I slept a lot of it . The parts that I was up , except for the annoyances , were good . I am going to read a bit before I turn in for the night . I do hope your day is going well ! The Celebrex and the Savella don 't work for me . I am not too surprised since I have yet to find something that does , but I am a bit disappointed . Also , they are so expensive that I just can 't afford them even if they did work . The Savella kept me awake pretty much all night last night . I finally feel asleep around 7 am . Not fun . I hope that doesn 't happen again tonight as I did not take any Savella at all . I didn 't get up too early as I was awake all night . I forced myself to get out of bed around 2 pm . Plus we had that lovely time change , so my body is exhausted right now . I will be going to bed early tonight . I don 't have to get up early tomorrow but I do need to get some decent sleep , well as good as i get anyway . I have 1 lesson tomorrow , Bob in the afternoon . I so enjoy his lessons . He picks good songs when he gets to pick them and he has pretty much liked everything I have given him to play . The spring concert will be in May so we have an additional month to practice which doesn 't usually happen but it will this year . With my birthday , Andrew 's graduation , and Easter being so late , it just didn 't fit in the month of April this year . I don 't mind . May works out well too except the Muglia girls will not be there . They have some first communions in the family and Mom is expecting number 9 near the end of the month so they won 't be there . That is okay , maybe we will do a summer thing this year . Hard to say what we will do . It is all up in the air . Maia may come for a visit soon , I just don 't know when . She mentioned it in a message sometime last week or the week before . I like it when she comes for a visit , not to do any work , just a visit . I am going to ask her to bring some tummy medicine with her as I am completely out . The stuff I like you can 't get here in the USA . I don 't know why , but you can 't . Maybe it is sold under a different name or by prescription only , either way , I don 't know where here I can get it . I can buy it over the counter in Windsor so that is what I need to do . I forgot , as usual , when I was in Windsor a few weeks ago to go and get some . I think I am going to go and lay down . I am just that tired and I don 't feel that well today . I hope tomorrow is a better day . I hope your day has gone well ! ! ! I had one lesson today , Amanda . She was so excited because I brought out the Colors of the Wind song for her . She really wanted to learn that one . I am excited because I got the other copy of the book back from Samantha ( 2 1 / 2 years later ) so that I could give her the song . I have to redo the Over the Rainbow in Finale ( a music program ) so that it is in the right key for her . Both my orchestrated version and the proper key version are missing . At least I have the sheet music for it . That is the good thing ! Thank goodness for that . I am hoping that before I redo the song in the Finale program , I may still have it on the other computer so I am going to put up my other computer and check to see if it is on that one . That would make my life much easier ! All I would have to do is reburn the song then instead of put every note in the finale program . I am going to do that tomorrow . After Amanda 's lesson , I was on face book for a bit when I realized I was hungry and needed to get out of this house . I don 't always feel that way , but today I did . I went to Tim Horton 's and ate my lunch inside reading my wonderful new to me book . I finished it while I was there . Then I went to Barnes and Noble . I love that store . I got 2 new books so now I have a total of 7 books to read this week . 4 from the library , 2 from Barnes and Noble , and 1 from the used bookstore . I love reading although I wish I had something else to do with my time too some days . I can 't believe I am going to say this , but sometimes I am even sick of reading . I know , gasp ! I can 't believe I said that , but it is true . I really miss taking care of another person and being their caregiver . I would do it for a job if I was healthy enough . It was because Momma was so small that I was able to do things for her . If she had been taller ( she was 5ft 3 3 / 4 at healthy height and I would say she shrunk to 5 ft 2 ) and weighed more ( she was usually around 120 pounds until the end at 84 . 6 pounds ) then I would not have been able to help her . Thankfully , she was at a height and weight that I could be the caregiver and keep her here at home . God definitely saw to that . He knew she was terrified of being alone in a nursing home so he didn 't make her very big so that I would be able to take care of her . I loved taking care of her these last few years especially the last year when she needed me so much . She got her little sponge baths , she got her meals , her entertainment ( yes , I even could entertain her at times ! ) , I was just able to do everything for her . When she got further down the line , it did help to have someone come in and give her the baths . The company we had was wonderful for that . They brought physical therapy to her and a nurse came to see her too . When we need hospice , they were simply wonderful , just wonderful . I don 't know how they do , they are very compassionate and caring , yet they can watch and help people who are dying and will not gI think it is the down times that I miss her the most because I don 't have someone always to talk to or hang out with . Overall , I am pretty satisfied with my life despite my disabilities , but sometimes I want some more company . I need companionship at times like I had with the little lady . Today , just seemed more than usual . What can I say ? We were very close especially the last 5 years when I had my store and when we lost it . We did the store together , she even came with me to sign the papers . We were both so excited about that . She couldn 't stop smiling and neither could I . I miss her smiles and laughter the most . I did speak to the younger brother , Andrew , live and in person ( over the phone ) today ! It was a short call as long distance is very expensive for him but I wanted to speak in person and not through email or face book . There are times when they are not enough for me . He is excited and getting ready to graduate with his degree . I am so thrilled for him over that . He will keep me posted on when the ceremony will be . I also told him about my birthday party the family is having at my cousin Darrin 's house . Andrew said he would try to be there . I do hope you are having a good day ! Despite the missing of Momma , it has been a pretty good day . I would have preferred 3 lessons instead of 1 but I am thankful for the 1 . As the news media keeps Charlie Sheen in the news , I received a notice that in April he is coming to the theatre near me live and in person . On facebook , I have a friend who is actually going to go and see him . That seems rather strange to me because he is falling apart and out of control . It is not something I would want to pay money to go and see . He lost his job and his kids , and is now going on tour ? I do hope he gets the help he so desperately needs . I also am sick of the phrase , Winning . That is so annoying . I don 't see anything winning about Charlie and his life right now . I can 't even imagine right now what it is like in Japan . It seems so unreal when these things happen . I know that many of the people in Japan are prepared for disasters like this , but how can you really prepare ? Those poor people , I do hope that this is over soon and that people 's life goes back to normal . All I can do is pray for those that are affected by this . It has been a fast couple of weeks to me . I was getting ready for teaching when the Mom called . She was getting a bad headache , so we canceled . I totally understand that . You never know when the headaches are going to arrive . I have one tonight . So I took a small nap . I am still very tired . I only have 2 lessons tomorrow , that is a bit of a drag , but that is okay , it is still 2 more than I had yesterday . I usually have 3 on Saturdays , sometimes 4 and sometimes 5 . I like teaching a lot on Saturdays . I haven 't heard from Katie so I don 't know if she is going to have a lesson soon . I have her score sheets from competition a few weeks ago . I also haven 't heard from Rachel either . I do hope to hear from them soon . I am going to put Mom 's bedding on her bed this weekend . I have the quilt ready for it too . Her room will look very cute now as a guest room . Her mattress is in good condition and doesn 't need to be changed like the one in the other guest room . I don 't have the money to do that though . I hope to change it this summer . I don 't see it happening anytime soon . My mattress is okay for a while longer and if necessary , I can always change with the one in Mom 's room but right now it is okay . Once the bedding is fixed up in Mom 's room the upstairs will be mostly done for now . I do have to remove the buckets that Maia and Tillie brought it . I have no idea why they brought them up but they did . It was strange the first time I saw them . I don 't always understand why they do what they do at times . Right now , I am taking a brief break from working on the house . I want to put the boxes that have tools in the furnace room so that they are where I will be able to find them when I need them . I was surprised by how many tools were found hiding in Momma 's room . I am thankful though . We found a few things that we certainly could have used during this last year . The stud finder for one . I have 15 holes in the wall near where the railing is because Tillie couldn 't find the stud . I have no way to actually fix them right now because I am not going to paint right now . When the railing for the other railings to go up we will use the stud finder or they won 't go up because I don 't want tons of small drill holes in my wall . For some reason , it just doesn 't add to the decor . I know the entire house needs to be painted , but that is just not happening anytime soon as 1 - I can 't do it myself and 2 - I don 't have the money for it . I will worry about this stuff at a later date . I think the new pain meds are working pretty well . My knee is getting better too and I am not sure if that is from the new medicine or just it coming along naturally . Either way , I am glad it is getting better . I had 2 lessons today , Breanna and my newest one , Annie . She wants to sing in community theatre so that is what we are working towards . I asked her to get a great book that I usually use as a supplemental book , but for Annie , it will be a great book for her . Some of the songs have had the keys changed that will be perfect for her . She is 29 and will hopefully be a nursing student soon . I do hope so for her . She really wants to be a nurse . Right now she is a hair dresser and works at 2 different salons . I went to the library today . I got 4 books , 2 by Diane Chamberlain and 2 by Phillipa Gregory . I then went to the used bookstore and got 1 from Kristin Hannah ( my new favorite author ) and 2 from Julie Garwood , an old favorite . I am all set for reading right now . I am tired of the books I have . I have already read the new Kristin Hannah books two times so far . Yes , I am sure I will read them again and again , but not right now . My birthday is next month and a party has been planned . It will be at my cousin 's Darrin 's house in Belle River . Cool , is all I can say about that . It will be a potluck party . I am to bring the cake . Too bad an ice cream cake won 't last that long of a drive . Oh well , I will get a good one from a local bakery for that day . I am to let all the relatives and friends know about this . hey , works for me , a party ! ! ! So far , the new medicine seems to be helping . I will know more later this week and early next week . I am hoping it works because I need something for the pain . It is hard to function at times with this much pain . So far , I am hopeful about it . We are expecting another winter storm . Yuck , more snow , just what I want . NOT ! I do not want anymore snow but as I live in Michigan , there isn 't anything I can do about it as this is normal winter weather for this state . I am just tired of it this year for some reason . The garage door now works ! ! ! ! Yes ! It has been adjusted and works . I will eventually need to have it fixed , but right now it is okay . Since I don 't use it too much at this point , the adjustments will work . When I need it fixed , I just call Mr . Carnegie and he will come and fix it . He also didn 't charge me anything because he said he didn 't fix anything , he just adjusted a few things . I am just grateful that he was able to make the adjustments so now it works . Now all I have to do is empty 1 / 2 of the garage and be able to put my little car in . It has never been in my garage , poor little car . As soon as the snow is gone , I plan to put the table and chairs in the back yard on the patio . The rest of the stuff in the garage can then be moved to the 1 / 2 of garage I won 't need for the car . Then , my little baby car will be in the garage ! ! ! How cool is that ? Also , the garage door opener ( the portable one ) works still so that is so cool ! I am a happy camper with all of this . All in all it has been a pretty good day . I feeling a bit more positive overall these days , although I still miss Momma terribly . I miss her more now than I first did when she passed away . It is as difficult as I have been told . I feel for my friends who are in the same position , it is rough to be without a Mom . Moms are so necessary in our lives . I only try to do what I think my Momma would want me to do . Hard sometimes because I wouldn 't discuss what would happen after she passed away , I just couldn 't talk about it , now I am sorry , but I am doing what I think she would want me to do . It has been a day that started with anxiety over the finances again . I looked at my bank account and was like , crap , i forgot about the insurances that are automatically taken out and I wrote checks ! however , once I calmed down and realized I hadn 't deposited all the teaching checks , I would be okay . I will also be able to pay the house payment on time as that also worried me . What can I say ? It is one of those type days . I had 2 lessons today . Bob , rescheduled from Monday and Christine , a new student . Bob put Mom 's bed back together and the mattress back on the bed . I will make up the bed this week . I have a quilt I bought for my bed a couple of years ago that I didn 't like on my bed when I put it on . I kept it for some reason . Now I am glad that I did keep it because it will look really nice with Mom 's new blankets . They are blue . They will coordinate well together , I think . The blues will go well together . I also have some pillows for the bed . Overall , I think it will make a good guest suite as soon as I clean out the bathroom and put a shower curtain where the shower door used to be . Mom took off the door years ago and her friend was supposed to put it back on , but apparently he can 't do it . I can 't hire someone to do it because he has the parts for it . This makes me mad , but there isn 't anything I can do about it . I have asked for that part back but since he doesn 't come around much , and he was beginning to annoy me , I will live without the shower door where it belongs . At this point I don 't want to see him at all . I just want him to stay away . I am tired of listening to him about my weight . I have been listening to it for about 20 years now and I am not interested in listening to him anymore . I want him to leave me alone about it . He hasn 't been around for a few weeks , thankfully , last time he was here was on a Saturday when I was teaching ! I had told him a few weeks before that that I teach on Saturdays now and apparently he didn 't remember . I was in the middle of a lesson so he didn 't stay very long now that he doesn 't have Momma to talk to . He got in a fight with his wife before Mom 's funeral . She didn 't want him to go and he did . Yeah , for the last 20 years he has had a thing for my Momma . When he was divorced they dated but as soon as he remarried his wife , that was it for Mom . She only was a friend to him and that was only at work . She never saw him outside of work , ever . He has been accused of fooling around on his wiOverall , it has been a quiet day . I had 2 lessons , ate dinner , copied the CDs for my students that I needed to do and read my new book that I got a few weeks ago . It is a good book so far . I will probably finish it tomorrow . I have 2 lessons tomorrow . 1 is a new one and the other is Breanna . She is doing pretty well . She takes piano and voice . I do enjoy teaching her . I look forward to the new student . I have some music picked for her . I have the CDs ready for her too . I am heading to bed soon . I am very tired tonight . I don 't know if the Savella and the Celebrex is working , I think it is , but I will know more after I have been taking for a week . I do hope you are having a good day . I had my usual blood test this afternoon . Because of the blood disorder that I have I am on blood thinners and will be the rest of my life . I usually get my tests done every other week , sometimes sooner , sometimes later . This time , I have to go next week since my blood changed again . I have to skip the medicine tomorrow and then start a new dosage on Thursday . I was so thankful that the nurse only had to poke me once . Sometimes it takes more than one poke to get the blood . I do NOT like blood tests however , I do NOT want another blood clot , so I will meekly go and get my tests done . I also am starting celebrex and savella . I have not tried either so this is new waters with me . I do hope they help , but the end of the night I am in a lot of pain . My knee is getting a bit better now . I do hope with the new medications it will heal faster . I hate flares , of course , I know absolutely no one who likes them . I do hope this flare is over shortly . It has been a while since I have had a flare like this . Charlie had his lesson tonight . He is doing really well . He has picked out his 2 pieces for the spring concert , one is a classical piece and the other is Over the Rainbow . He is a fun lesson and such a good kid . I have had him for about 3 or 4 years now . It hard to believe that he is a junior in high school and will be 17 this summer . Didn 't he just turn 15 ? Yeah , feels that way . Rick had his last lesson for a month . He is going out of town for a month . He won 't be back until April 12 for his next lesson . I look forward to that . It is kind of a drag that he will be gone for so long , but there isn 't anything I can do about that . He is a fun student to teach . He wants to sing well so much and loves singing in general . He is definitely a kind of student that is good to have . Terrence should be back next week so that is good . i have to call this week to find out when he will be starting again . He has been gone for about a month too . That is the way it is for adults . Sometimes they have to miss because of work . I am flexible so that isn 't a problem . Today is a special day . Lily turns 13 today . Hard to believe that young lady is 13 but she is . I remember her when she was about 3 and so tiny ! She is an official teenager now . She is growing up so fast . I am not sure when she and I will be able to celebrate together , but I will fit in somehow . It is actually her schedule that is difficult , not mine . She is much busier than I am . I have lots of free time , it is Lily that doesn 't . It is nice though that she is busy . I wish I were busier at times . I have way to much time on my hands some days . Of course , I do have stuff that I could be doing , cleaning , laundry , things like that , but hey , sometimes I would rather read , or watch TV or talk on the phone . These things are much more fun . Anyways , I had the tax lawyer meeting today . I am very pleased with this . The lawyer is very nice and to the point . He did say that this is a very unusual case as generally he speaks with the actual person who owes the money , not the deceased person 's daughter . He has a few questions about the particulars of the case . He is going to be speaking to the IRS on Friday as the rest of his week is a bit busy . I don 't mind . He wants a 30 stay right away which he feels he should get right away . That would give him time he says . As long as I don 't lose the house , that is my goal . I need a place to live ! I love this house . It is the perfect set up for me . The studio in the living room with both pianos . I have the music in the office downstairs , I will have a sewing area , a library / TV area , and of course , a guest room . Basically , the house is perfect for me . It was perfect for Mom and I . I do plan to put some pictures of the family in the family room because the walls are very bare and boring . I will change that . I plan to put some pictures up of all of us . I don 't have a ton of pictures , but I do have some family pictures that we had taken in 1989 . They did turn out pretty well . I didn 't like my picture at the time it was taken but I like it now . I guess Mom was right ( again ! ) that someday I would like it . She was usually right ( darn it all ! ) . I have a new student starting tomorrow ! I can 't wait , plus I believe I will have another new one ( not with the new company ) on Thursday . She wanted to start tomorrow , but I have a blood test appointment at that time , so that won 't work this week . It will work for next week , but not this week , unfortunately . So I asked her if she had another day that would work , she said Thursday or Friday so I picked Thursday at 12 . I have another lesson on Thursday at 12 : 30 to 1 : 30 so this would work really well . I am excited about these new developments . I just need a few more and I will be all set . That would be really good ! I just have to wait and see . It has been a good day despite no lessons ! I feel very positive about the meeting with the lawyer . I paid a few bills yesterday that were mailed today . I did talk to a Doctor 's office today , I am on a payment plan so I am hopeful that that will pay it off quickly . I don 't know where the bill to this doctor is right now so next week is when they will be sending out a new one . I will pay it then . This grown up stuff can be so hard at times ! I am glad I had a trial run at being in charge of everything these last few years with Mom here . Being in charge of her really helped me get organized and keep track of everything . Now it is just me , so I have to be ready for everything . I hope you are having a good day too ! It wasn 't too cold out for a change . It is supposed to rain on Wednesday but be okay for tomorrow . That is good because I am going to the doctor 's office for the blood test . I have been so tired today . I don 't know why . Maybe it is just catching up on me , it was a busyish week . I got up at 11 and then took a nap a little while later . When I woke from the nap , my tummy was upset and my head was bad so I took some stuff for it , and went back to bed . In between the naps though , I had a lovely conversation with Kathy on the phone . It was fun . Samantha and Alicia had to say hi to me . It was so cute , Ali had the phone and didn 't say a word then handed it back to her mom . Sammy said hi and a few other things before giving the phone to Kathy . Jacob was kind of cranky because he had to read for a bit this afternoon . That is something Kathy and i just don 't understand . We love to read and poor Jacob just doesn 't . I have read a bit this afternoon but my head just hurts too much to read much today . As it is , I will be heading back to bed for the night in a while . I wrote some checks to pay some bills today . Boy it feels good to be able to pay some bills . I have a few more to pay this week too including some doctors . I owe so many doctors so much money . It is so frustrating but there isn 't anything I can do about it . i owe the money so i will slowly pay it . I was in mom 's room this afternoon . I have to get new sheets , blankets , and pillows because they got rid of hers . Those pillows were about 6 months old . I was not very happy . I will be doing that next month as this month I had to buy a box of contacts so that was the end of my spending money for the month as of right now anyways . I don 't think anyone is coming to visit right now so that shouldn 't be an issue . I will get it taken care of soon . I am not in a hurry . I do hope that I am able to hit some sales for the bedding too . I have to get a bed spread too . I thought that it had been saved but it was mom 's blanket it that was saved , not her bedspread . I really liked her bedspread too . I have the drapes and curtains so those won 't be an issue . I will probably buy the stuff a little bit at a time . I also still have the mattress waterproof cover . I am going to ask Bob if he can help me put the mattress back on the bed frame next week after his lesson . I am meeting with the lawyer tomorrow after his lesson so that is out tomorrow . I had a somewhat good day despite the many naps . The highlight was talking to Kathy and also my cousin , Cathy , made a comment on my face book that made me smile . She is so funny sometimes . I just love both Kathy and Cathy ! They are amazing women . I teach music and sewing to the most amazing kids in the world . I like to read and do crafts in my spare time . I also love reading blogs about other peoples life . I hope you enjoy reading mine . I also have fibromyalgia and arthritis . |
In the past month or so , I 've had trouble focusing . When I picked up the next book , I wanted something short and simple . This was it . This was my first Wells book . He is credited with popularizing the concept of a time machine , where a traveller can control the when of his travels , rather than just randomly hopping about forward and backward . As common as this notion now is , it seems weird that it 's only 120 years old . In the story , a scientist known only as the Time Traveller builds a time machine and goes to the year 802 , 701 . He finds himself in a temperate climate , where there are huge , impressive statues and buildings which are sinking into decay . He encounters small human - like beings who are simple and childlike . They spend their days eating fruit and playing , having no ambition and little curiosity . He speculates that man has evolved into these creatures after having conquered the dangers of nature . With survival being a matter of just sitting around and eating fruit , there is no need for intellect . Later , he encounters another species , who are nocturnal and live underground . He first speculates that humanity evolved by class , and so the ruling elite were the happy and stupid fruit - eaters above , while the lower classes did the work below . Regardless of how the situation came about , he soon discovers that the current relationship is like the rancher to the cattle . The underground beings eat the helpless vegetarians above . He finally hops back on his time machine and continues forward into the future to watch the earth die . The sun starts to burn out and signs of life decrease . He returns to England where none of his friends believe his story . I think that we like to assume that man will only continue to become smarter and more advanced . The Time Traveller makes this assumption , not bothering to bring any supplies with him at all , as he assumes that whatever they have in the future will be way better . Wells seems to think that we may very well become so accomplished that our comfortable lives eliminate the need for education or culture . I don 't necessarily ascribe to this vision , as it seems like our solutions to current problems create different problems . Fear not ! We will probably not degenerate into helpless fruit - eaters . We may just drive ourselves to extinction instead . My second Graham Greene book , which I probably bought because I liked the first one . That was a good move on my part , because this was also really good . The thing I like about Greene is that he 's incredibly perceptive . He 's moving along , describing the action and the character 's thoughts , and then BAM ! Something really poignant and true about human nature . The story itself is about an English policeman working in West Africa during World War II . He 's a straight - laced , upstanding guy , devout Catholic , but he gets himself embroiled in an affair and some diamond smuggling . How ? One little step at a time , which is just the way it goes , innit ? The book goes on to describe his increasingly terrible crimes and his building guilt and shame . He ascribes all his failures to pity - everything he does is out of responsibility to others , whereas he would like to just be left alone . I did not buy that . Sorry , dude , you cheated on your wife because you wanted to , not because you felt sorry for the poor young thing you cheated with . This is also a very Catholic book - a lot of the language is religious , and the man 's fall is seen as a sort of battle with God . Since he sees his sins as motivated by concern for fellow humans , he views it as a conflict between loving God vs loving His creatures . Again , this seems to be sort of a convenient glaze to put on his actual motivations and a way of avoiding doing the hard thing and ' fessing up . The Catholicism is sort of snobbish , in that he ( and his devout wife ) seem to feel that the only people who can feel guilt or understand the concept of good and evil at all are Catholics . The rest of us are just sort of pagan beasts . I don 't know enough Catholics to know if this is a common attitude . What struck me about this book is how alone everyone in it is . People have intimate relationships without really knowing each other at all . People do things , thinking they will be understood , but of course others interpret situations based on their own contexts . People hide other things , assuming they know how others will react , when in fact , everyone already knows about what was being hidden . I find this aloneness profoundly sad , but probably true . We can never know each other . Maybe if we did , nothing would ever get done because we 'd be frozen by indecision or just plain bummed out all the time . A note : The copy of the book that I had was heavily marked up by a previous reader . Seriously , half the lines on every page were underlined , with stars and double underlines to mark the really important stuff . Every once in a while , I would find the word " Pinkie " written in the margins , which I found mystifying . Turns out , that is a character in another Greene novel , Brighton Rock . Maybe I 'll pick that up sometime . I have not read a book since March . I had gobs of time to read while sitting on my fanny with a baby on my lap , but nothing I picked up held my attention . I think now I 'm just out of the habit . Here 's hoping that I get back to it . A question that everyone asks when you are pregnant is whether it 's a boy or a girl . The smart - aleck answer is " yes . " We decided not to find out . Most people were really supportive of this idea , particularly older folks who had kids before finding out the sex was an option . A few people said they couldn 't do it that way , and one cashier looked at me like I was nuts . Only one person asked why . " So we don 't get a bunch of pink crap if it 's a girl , " I answered without thinking . It was like one of those word association tests where the truth comes out . Previously , I had thought of this as just a bonus to not knowing , but honestly , it was my main reason . Instead of an avalanche of pink , people gave us a lot of neutral stuff . It was heavy on the yellows and green , most of it pastel . It seems like things fall in three categories - girl ( pink , purple , frilly and delicate ) , neutral ( yellow , green , or gray , generally animal themed and cutesie ) , and boy ( everything else ) . So if you want bold colors with fun themes , look in the boy section . Maybe grumble about outdated gender norms while you 're there , just for me . A friend of mine took her step - daughter shopping for my baby shower and picked out some onesies that were gray and green and featured triceratops and apatosauruses ( apatosauri ? ) . Her step - daughter protested that those were for boys . Excuse me ? This is why we need feminism - because eight - year - old girls think that liking dinosaurs is only for boys . Dinosaurs are for everybody . Most of our clothes came from a friend of a friend , who passed along two giant bags of clothes used by her sons , so " boy " clothes . They had bold , bright colors and fun themes like sports or dump trucks or monsters . There was one item that had a treehouse that said " no girls allowed , " and I threw that out on principle . The rest I happily put on my little girl . Some people waited until after the baby was born to give us gifts , and that was when the pink started flowing . At that point , I discovered that I enjoyed dressing my daughter in the little girly things , too . I liked the flowers and the frills and the tiny bows . And the dresses ! With the TINY BLOOMERS ! I didn 't even mind the things that said " princess " on them , because that makes me the queen . In fact , I liked the little girly things so much that I began to wonder if it wouldn 't have been so bad to know ahead of time that we were having a daughter . It wasn 't all pink stuff . And then we went to a shower being thrown for Josh 's cousin , who knows she is having a girl . She gave me a bag of stuff that people had given her ; she said she wanted to spread the pink around and lamented that she had not yet received any camo babywear . There were some hats with giant bows and a set of footed pajamas with ladybugs . Finally , there was a hot pink onesie with a big gold crown on it and " Princess " in gold script . Attached was a tutu in zebra print of pink and pinker pink . It was awful . It went straight into the Goodwill pile with the no girls allowed onesie . Now I think we did the right thing by not finding out . We avoided an onslaught of pink animal - print , and a little girl learned that dinosaurs are for everyone . I call that a win . It was 10 AM , and I was taking my discreet black shoulder bag into the conference room when I realized that there were certain key pump parts sitting on the drying rack at home . Ugh . I knew this was going to happen at some point . I hopped in the car and drove home to get the parts , vowing to start keeping my spare set at the office . " Mad ? You thought I came home from work to yell at you about something ? That you had done something and I would know ? " See , this is a joke at our house . Whenever we leave , we tell the dog " Be good . Or we 'll know , " with ominous emphasis on that last word . We imagine that from her perspective , we are magicians because we always know when she has not been good . But really , when the dog is bad , it 's pretty obvious . Like , shreds of trash all around the trash can obvious . " Yes ! " He got out his camera and showed me a Facebook post of our baby making the kind of face you might make if your world had just opened up to the existence of sour citrus . I giggled . " No , it 's not mean . I look forward to giving her sour things and laughing at her expression . She 's just too little right now . " I have fond memories of being at K & S Cafeteria , watching my brother squeeze lemon slices over a spoon and then giving it to his son . My nephew would make a face each time and then ask " More soup ? " . My brother had done it the first time as a joke to see the baby make a face , but now he was obliged to continue until all the lemon slices at the table had been exhausted . Kids can turn things around on you like that . The first day of my daughter 's life , I waited for someone to tell me to feed her . I 'd read a dizzying amount of advice , much of it conflicting , but one thing that had stuck was that it was best to feed the baby within an hour of birth . So as the nurses were doing this and that around me with their friendly yet ruthless efficiency , I asked , " Should I feed her ? " What I was really asking was " Can someone show me how to feed her ? " I 'd signed up for a breastfeeding class a few weeks before my due date . Then I didn 't go , because a blizzard came in . My non - attendance was out of character for me . I spent the afternoon trying to figure out if the class was cancelled in the face of winter weather warnings . I checked websites and called what turned out to be a doctor 's office that was completely unrelated to the classes , where a friendly receptionist went above and beyond trying to find someone else to call . The class started at 6 : 30 and ran until 8 : 00 , which is when the weather advisory started . And then I got a dinner invitation , so I decided to just assume the class was cancelled . Sitting in the maternity ward with a baby who was probably hungry from her long journey out the birth canal , I wished I had gone to the class . Finally , a nurse took a few minutes to show me how to hold my baby and put her on the breast . I found this to be comical and a little bit barbaric . You rub the baby 's lip with your nipple , which makes her reflexively open her mouth wide . You immediately stuff as much boob as will fit into her mouth . Imagine someone shoving a water balloon in your mouth every time you yawned . The nurse warned me that the baby would not eat very much , as her tummy was about the size of a marble . I was delighted to feel what must have been the baby latching on to my nipple . The feeling almost immediately ended , but I figured that was how it was supposed to go . Had I attended the class , I might have known that the baby needs to stay latched on to get any milk , even enough for a marble - sized tummy . The result was that the baby did not get really anything to eat that first day . On the morning of the second day , I woke up feeling refreshed and rested , though a bit sore in some areas . I was hopeful that we would be released that day , and the midwife seemed to think I was good to go . They even started the checkout process by having me fill out the postpartum depression screening . I checked the boxes that said I was able to feel cheerful as much as I had before , that I was not crying for no reason or blaming myself for bad things that might happen . The nurse came in and asked me how the baby had eaten the night before . Pardon ? That was when I found out that I was supposed to be feeding the baby through the night . In fact , I was apparently supposed to wake her up to do so . Having not attended the class , I can 't say whether those particular topics were covered . I just thought I had one of those good babies that sleeps through the night right away . All these parents complaining about the baby not sleeping , when they 're the ones waking them up to stuff boobs in their boob - holes . Susanna continued to be very sleepy , to the point where she didn 't wake up much even for me to ineffectively feed her . It didn 't seem like a problem to me , but the pediatrician was concerned about my very sleepy baby . She was so concerned that she had someone come and poke my baby 's foot to draw blood ( baby woke up for that ) . The blood test came back positive for jaundice , and so my dreams of being released were dashed . I was more annoyed than worried , as I knew jaundice was pretty common in babies . Josh had had it and look at him now , a big strapping man , a father even . Jaundice in babies happens when their bodies are unable to break down bilirubin . When a red blood cell gets old , it breaks open and all kinds of stuff spills out , which is broken down by the body into other stuff , including bilirubin . The liver then breaks down the bilirubin and then its passed on out in either solid or liquid waste . Babies , with their brand new livers , take a little time getting started . Plus , the blood that a fetus has has different characteristics than the blood of a tiny person living out in the world , so the body is breaking down more red blood cells than usual . Because the bilirubin is flushed out the digestive tract , it is important that the baby get enough to eat for the digestive system to be flushing . My not feeding the baby had caused her to have jaundice . I mean , I didn 't know , no one told me how to feed the dang baby . I guess I could 've informed myself , by like , taking a class or some . . . oh . Skipping out on that breastfeeding class a month ago gave my baby jaundice . Fantastic . Jaundice is treated with light . This treatment was discovered accidentally , when sick babies taken out in the sunlight did better than babies that stayed inside . Now , they use a light board . This was a small surfboard type thing hooked up to a car vacuum cleaner type thing that created blue light . You put a mask on the baby to protect her eyes , then put her on the board and swaddle baby and board all up together . It looked like she was in a tanning bed . I was still not worried . Sure , my baby was sick with my incompetence , but she had a super - common condition that they treat with the power of the sun . But then I was lying in the hospital bed , holding a baby strapped to a glowing surfboard . Josh had gone home to feed the dog . I couldn 't snuggle my baby , I could only hold the board she was strapped to . I couldn 't see her face , as it was covered by the mask . I sat and looked at my baby in her terrible Hannibal mask , sleeping on her eerie glowboard . All because I blew off a breastfeeding class to go have dinner with my friends . Then Josh came back , and Susanna devoured some milk I pumped for her , and her bilirubin went down , and it was all fine . We were cleared to take her off the light therapy so we could snuggle properly while they worked on our discharge papers . At last , they let us take our little glowbaby home . Last week I happened to drive by my regular haircut place , Famous Hair . Just so you know , I am fully aware that Famous Hair is a ridiculous name . I guess hair can be famous , for instance , Donald Trump has famous hair . But that 's hardly a selling point . In case you can 't tell by the nonsensical name , Famous Hair is the kind of place where you just walk in and get a cheap haircut . I 've been going to such places since I left my hometown , as I am unable to devote whatever time and resources is required to find an actual stylist . I like being able to decide that I need a haircut today , and I really like paying $ 14 for the service . My results have been mixed . I 've gotten several bad haircuts , many serviceable haircuts , and a couple of really great haircuts . The last time I got a really great one was at Famous Hair , which is why I kept going back , even though I rarely got the stylist that gave me the great haircut , because he was often booked . Why couldn 't I be bothered to book him myself ? It 's almost like I don 't care that much about my hair , and that is why it will never be famous . But Famous Hair is no more , because that location has been turned into a Great Clips . Or a Smart Cuts . Was it Super Snips ? I don 't know , but I really didn 't want to go there . I look down on those places . I am too good for Super Snips ; I demand Famous Hair . If only I had taken the time to book the great stylist who used to work at Famous Hair , I would probably have his new location and I could keep getting great haircuts somewhere else . I am not sure when I had my last haircut - as you can tell , I 'm pretty lax about all things hair . I stopped curling my hair every morning over a decade ago , and then I stopped blow - drying it , and now I can 't even be bothered to wash it every day . But whatever haircut I 'd gotten before ( which had been deemed serviceable ) had grown out , and it was looking neglected . And honestly , I 'd been feeling a weird urge to do something crazy , like dye it hot pink . I 've never dyed my hair a normal color , and so I blame the desire to go nuts on having a baby . Like a mid - life crisis . I 'm too young to be a mom ; I have young hair . I thought maybe a new haircut would whet my appetite for change before I did anything that would scare my infant . So I took to the internet to find a new haircut place . Searching for " raleigh haircuts " only gets you barbers , because men want their hair cut , while women want their hair styled . I found lots of results for " raleigh salons , " but they charge a lot more than $ 14 . I cannot imagine that kind of haircut that $ 50 gets you . That haircut better do my dishes . Will this haircut soothe my baby and guarantee that I am victorious in all arguments with my husband ? Then I 'll pass , thanks . Some of the salons are also bars , which seems very convenient and hip , until you consider that maybe your hair only looks good until you sober up . Then I happened upon the website for the Paul Mitchell School . I could have a cosmetology student cut my hair for $ 12 . It sounded like a bargain and an adventure . The Paul Mitchell School certainly looks like a real salon , with blaring hits of the 90s and a warehouse feel . The students were dressed in all black , and many of them had funky hair styles , so everyone looked a bit goth . I was introduced to Kelli , who would be taking care of me today . The first thing she did was have me sign a waiver , saying that I understood that she was a student and was therefore released from any damages . I wasn 't sure if that included anything worse than a crappy haircut . I cut my husband 's hair , and I did get his ear one time , so maybe there was that . Then we talked about what I wanted that day , and I had come prepared . Usually , I act dumb and surprised , as if I didn 't know they were going to ask me that question , because the truth is , I don 't ever know what I want . Sometimes I really do go in there and say something like " I want something that I can wash and do nothing else that will look good . " Some stylists run with that , glad that finally someone recognizes that they are the expert here . But mostly they look scared that whatever they do , I 'm not going to like it . While it would be an excellent learning experience for a student to encounter a customer such as me , I had previously googled " haircuts that look good air - dried . " The internet said a layered bob was what I wanted , and so that 's what I told Kelli . She filled out a little sheet , then went off to fetch Barry , who is a teacher at the Paul Mitchell School . They discussed the plan ( layered bob ) , felt my hair and talked about what products and the kind of layers to cut to help my hair look its best . I enjoyed the attention and felt like I was going to receive personalized service . We had a plan for my hair ! Barry signed off on my hair plan , and Kelli outfitted me in a smock and took me back to the sinks . The best part of a haircut is when they wash my hair . When I was growing up , my mom took me to a lady named Marilyn who cut hair in her basement salon . Marilyn had long fingernails , and when she washed your hair , she used them to give the most exquisite scalp massage . I 've never encountered anyone else who used their nails , and I can only assume it 's discouraged at places like the Paul Mitchell School for some hygienic or liability reason . But even without Marilyn 's magic fingernails , having someone else wash my hair under warm water rates highly on the list of life 's simple pleasures . They charge extra for it at the walk - in places , and I always pay for it , even as I skipped the dry and style option . Kelli was just rinsing out the conditioner when a weird noise started ringing through the building . I thought it was part of the music , like maybe this was when everyone stopped what they were doing and did a dance featuring combing and clipping hand motions , but when I opened my eyes , Kelli was looking around , confused . Someone came by and told her it was a fire alarm , and that we needed to exit the building . Kelli wrapped up my hair in a towel and we walked outside to the far end of the parking lot . Of all the things I expected from getting my hair cut at a cosmetic arts school , a fire alarm was pretty low on the list , somewhere below synchronized dance breaks . We stood outside for five minutes or so . It was a beautiful day . I looked like someone who , well , had been in the middle of a haircut . Kelli kept apologizing , but I kept grinning like a galoot , because it was just so funny . Whether I was going to receive a good haircut was still yet to be seen , but I was certainly having an adventure . Finally we all filed back inside like schoolchildren , and I took my seat at Kelli 's station . She proceeded to cut my hair . The only warning I would give someone who was considering having their hair cut at the Paul Mitchell School ( besides the obvious one ) is that it takes a long time . Some of that is inexperience , I 'm sure , but I think the students are also going slow to make sure they do their best work . At every station , the stylist was hunched over and squinting , as if they were cutting hairs one by one . So carve out a couple hours rather than a half hour and you 'll receive the most meticulous haircut of your life . But hey , they 're up to code on their fire safety ! Generally , I prefer when the stylist does their job silently and I don 't have to talk to them , as the conversation inevitably ends up being about my job , which is boring to talk about with people who aren 't particularly interested in computers . However , I discovered that having a child means I have so much more that I can share with the average person . We talked about babies and birth and husbands and drastic postpartum dye jobs , and somehow I really bonded with my randomly - assigned cosmetology student . After she was done with the scissors , Kelli swept my hair off the floor and gathered it in a ziplock bag , which is pretty creepy . I mean , we bonded , but it 's a little soon to be collecting each other 's hair . She said it was for dye tests . Otherwise , she would have to do tests on hair that came from a big box in the back , where it was all mixed and matted together . I agreed that sounded kinda gross and gave my blessing for her to practice dying on my discarded hair . I trust that she won 't use it for voodoo dolls , but I did sign a waiver . One of the other teachers came by to survey the job . She took the scissors and did some kind of trimming thing where they seem to cut a millimeter off every third hair . I don 't know what this does , it 's hair science . The teacher signed off on my new cut , and Kelli was beaming with pride over it . I don 't know anything about hair , so the effect was that I felt good about it . It was shorter than I had planned on and is a total mom haircut . I fear I may end up back at the Paul Mitchell School to get pink streaks put in , as soon as I 'm feeling ready for another adventure . One week past my due date , I was still pregnant . I had an appointment with the midwife , where we confirmed that I was still pregnant and that the baby was fine , just on its own schedule . She offered to do a membrane sweep , which is where she takes her finger and sweeps it around the cervix to separate the membranes around the baby from the cervix . This releases prostaglandins , which tell your body to get that other little body out . I wanted that little body out . To everything there is a season and all that , but Mama says it 's time to be born now . I wanted to induce labor for two reasons . One , if I did not have this baby within the next week , they were going to check me into the hospital to induce me with drugs . All I knew about being induced with drugs was that the contractions came hard and fast , and it would be unlikely that I 'd be able to have a med - free birth . I have always known , nay , assumed that I would give birth without chemical pain relief . It was the way my sisters did it , the way my mother did it , the way her mother did it . People respond to this in two ways - by nodding and saying of course , that 's the way to go , or by looking at me like I 've lost my mind . Finally , someone asked me why . And the answer was pride : ours is a competitive family . Then I looked up some other reasons so I would have something to say ( bottom line : use of drugs increases uses of interventions such as forceps or c - section , so you get a snowball effect of increased risk to mother and baby ) . I took a childbirth class that spent a lot of time discussing natural pain management - not say pain relief , but management . The midwife teaching the class talked about pain versus suffering . Most of the time , when you go to the hospital in pain , it is because something is wrong . But when you 're having a baby , it 's supposed to hurt . It is productive pain , as it is your body preparing to do something momentous . Labor requires pain . It does not require suffering . Pain is a physical phenomenon , suffering is mental . I felt prepared to handle pain . Being induced meant letting go of my med - free childbirth plan . While that wouldn 't be that terrible , it wasn 't what I wanted . The second reason I wanted to get that baby out was because of my grandmother . Ninety - four years old , her short - term memory was not great . The past couple of visits , she looked at me and apologized for not quite being able to place who I was . But she knew that her granddaughter , Sandra , was going to have a baby soon . She asked my mother every day if I 'd had that baby yet . She always forgot that we didn 't know the sex , and she had it in her head that it was a girl . I read somewhere that there are three ways to enjoy something - in anticipation of it , experiencing it , and remembering it . When we are born , everything is anticipation . As we live , things move from anticipation to experience and finally to memory . For my grandmother , most of her enjoyment was in memory , and this was apparent as she fondly told us stories from decades past . But my baby was something she could enjoy in anticipation . I was never hurt when she momentarily forgot my face , but I was deeply moved that she remembered there was a baby coming . Aside from her memory , my grandmother 's esophagus was no longer working . She had been having problems with phlegm for a while , and it finally got to the point where she could no longer swallow any food . Her esophagus finally wore out . Of all the parts in the body that serve us tirelessly , I never thought about the esophagus giving out . The doctor said that they could put in a feeding tube to buy her some more time , or they could make her comfortable . My mom had to make a hard decision . She thought about pain and suffering and made a call to hospice . The morning hospice was setting up a bed at my parents ' house was the same one where I was having my cervix swept . My siblings and cousins and aunts and uncles were coming from all over the world to my hometown . I was sitting at my house , four hours away , maybe going to have a baby . I knew that I would never see my grandmother again , and she would never get to meet the new baby . But I promised my mom to send a picture of the baby as soon as it arrived so that she could print it out for Grandmother . It was important to me that Grandmother get to experience what she 'd been anticipating . I wanted the baby out . The cervix sweep doesn 't automatically start labor . To be honest , I 'd had my cervix swept the week before on my due date . I 'd felt some cramps for a few hours , but that was the end of it . This time , the cramps came sooner , and they never really went away . They went from a constant dull ache to having peaks and valleys . The midwife had told me to come to the hospital when I was having contractions lasting a minute , five minutes apart . I downloaded a contraction timer app to my phone and lay down on the couch to watch X - Files while Josh showered . I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich . Josh put on a button - up shirt and a bow tie to look nice for the baby . We left for the hospital at around 7 . According to my timer app , the contractions were five minutes apart and one minute long . I called my mom to let her know it was go time . I texted my brother - in - law to ask him to look in on the dog . I was in pain for one minute out of five . I was not suffering . Josh dropped me off at the emergency room entrance and parked the car . I went inside , declined the wheelchair , and walked over to admitting . Josh came in while they were asking me questions and checking my insurance . A nurse came down to escort us to the maternity ward . They showed us to Room 2 , where I was told to undress and put on a gown to wait for the midwife . When she arrived , she checked my cervix . I was dilated 3 cm , which was exactly what I had been that morning . They told me I was probably not in labor , that this was just cramping caused by the membrane sweep . I could wait a couple hours and they 'd check again , but really , I ought to just go home , take a Tylenol , and go to bed . Dejected and embarrassed , I did . I felt like a moron , and I was still in pain . But I had been told that it was not productive pain , just pain . I went home , changed into pajamas . Josh moved the TV from the living room into the bedroom so we could watch March Madness . I lay in bed but did not sleep . I threw up the PBJ and Tylenol . The pain sharpened . I paced , I rocked , I sat , I stood , but nothing helped . As the contractions worsened , I concluded that if this was not labor , then I was not going to be able to stand actual labor . My wounded pride told me many lies . It told me that I was stupid for thinking I had been in labor before . It told me that I was still not in labor , and I should be able to handle this . It told me that if I went to the hospital now , they 'd just give me a Tylenol and send me back here . Labor was causing me pain , and my ego was making me suffer . I cried out , shaking my head , " I can 't do this I can 't do this . " The second trip to the hospital was remarkably different . Josh had changed out of his bow tie . I only changed out of pajamas into essentially different pajamas because there was vomit on the first set . I didn 't call or text anyone on the way , but instead moaned . When he dropped me off at the door , I sat down immediately in a wheelchair that was parked outside and shivered in the cold until he got back . Being admitted was quicker this time because they still had my information , but I was much less helpful . When the nurse came to get us this time , I 'm sure she thought , now that lady is about to have a baby . When the midwife checked me this time , I was at 9 cm . I would have pumped my fist in the air and shouted " TOLD YOU SO " but I was busy shaking and moaning . She told me to moan in a lower register , to direct the sound down . I don 't know if that is real science , but it helped . Or maybe finding out that my pain was productive helped . I was no longer suffering . Josh told them that I had said something about an epidural back at the house . The midwife said we could do that , or we could just go ahead and start pushing this baby out . The epidural would make things take longer . I said let 's do this . Somehow , in ten hours of birthing class , I never picked up that pushing a baby out takes hours . Birth videos and sitcoms alike edit that part down . In the movies , it takes three pushes tops . I 'm here to tell you that it takes many , many pushes . It took me two hours of pushes . A contraction would come , I would PUUUUUUSH for a count of ten , let out my breath in a scream and then do it again , and again before finally collapsing as the contraction ebbed . In between , I lay there as if dead , out of my head with exhaustion and pain . I was there and yet not . Two hours of pushing sounds like a lot , and it is , but pushing was a million times better than not . This was something I could do to fight back . In those seconds where I would get my breath back to start a new push , the pain was crushing . So I pushed back . In the movies , they say , " I can see the head ! " and then whoosh ! the baby is out . No . That baby 's head was just chilling out in my vagina for a half hour , easy . The midwife said I could put my hand down and touch it , which I did , and it was too weird . They wheeled a mirror over so I could see . I thanked them and asked them to take it away again . Time goes strange in the delivery room . There was a clock on the wall , so I could do the subtraction and tell you how long it had been . But it felt like minutes , and it felt like years . I counted time by the signs that the midwife was preparing for the delivery . The nurse wheeled in a table of instruments . Part of the bed at my feet was removed . A ceiling panel was removed and a giant spotlight pulled down . A group of pediatricians arrived and began setting up in the anteroom in case of emergency . I could tell we were nearly there , but I had no concept of when it would be over . So when at last , at last , there was a baby , it seemed oddly sudden . There was a little cry , and the pediatricians smiled , packed their things , and left . The midwife handed the tiny , wiggly , goo - covered person to me . The umbilical cord was blocking my view , so Josh had to tell me that I had a daughter . I had a Susanna . I held my little girl while cleanup and damage control went on below my waist ( so . much . blood ) . Josh took some pictures of the squinting new person , then emailed them to family . When the midwife and the nurses were done , they dimmed the lights and our new little family was left alone . Josh collapsed on the couch in the corner , but Susanna and I were wide awake . I held her to my chest , skin to skin . She made gentle snuffly noises and blinked in the light of her first day . I could 've watched the expressions flicker across her tiny face all day . So it was you , I thought . It 's been you in there all along . I can imagine the scene at my parents ' house when the email arrived . One of my mom 's favorite things to do is tell people good news . I can hear her talking in excited not - really - whispers about her daughter 's new daughter while my dad sings " Oh ! Susanna . " She told Grandmother and showed her the picture . Maybe she got to tell her a few times . Someone sat with Grandmother all the time . She wasn 't allowed to eat because of the danger of her aspirating it into her lungs , which would be traumatic . She couldn 't even have water . My mom used q - tips to keep her mouth wet . Grandmother , forgetting , would say she was thirsty , and my mother , her daughter , would have to tell her she couldn 't have a glass of water . Grandmother would ask if that was what the doctor had said to do , and then accept it calmly . She was awake and lucid for a couple of days , as the parade of visitors came through . She 'd tell the same stories over and over and then laugh at herself when she realized it . She got weaker . The hospice people gave her some morphine , so there was no pain , no suffering . She died early in the morning , three days after her 78th descendant was born . To everything there is a season , and a time to every purpose under heaven . For Susanna , a time to be born . For my grandmother , a time to die . For mother and I , a time to weep , and a time to laugh ; a time to mourn , and a time to dance . It 's jarring to process it at once : my grief while I hold my new daughter , my mother 's joy as she makes funeral arrangements . Birth and death are not opposites so much as complements ; we all have to do both to experience any of the things in between , hopefully with as little suffering as possible . Everyone stopped by to welcome me back asking how I 'm doing and whether I 've slept at all in the last six weeks . One coworker asked gently how I was doing and then looked at me with concern , as if to let me know that I could feel free to open up . I replied that I was doing fine , and he turned away , almost disappointed , mumbling something about women having trouble leaving the baby . I did not have trouble leaving the baby . I told my husband where he could find the milk and then reassured him that taking care of an infant was not hard . Well , it 's not complicated . And then I just left with my discrete black shoulder bag , off to bring home the bacon . And the milk . Mid - morning , I decided to investigate my options . I went into the ladies ' room and discovered that there is one outlet located by the sink . To pump in the relative privacy of a stall , I 'd need an extension cord . My other option appeared to be a storage room , which was more private in that it had a lock on the door and no one would be able to hear the telltale whirrr - click whirrr - click . However , I 'd have to put some kind of sign on the door to prevent others with a key from coming in to get the old accounting records , which felt pretty conspicuous . Also , all the outlets were hidden behind shelves of boxes . There were a couple of empty offices and conference rooms , but they all had windows . The only other woman at work recalled that when she 'd gone through the same thing a decade and an office ago , the maintenance crew had come in and installed blinds on a window . It seems like there are laws about accommodating working mothers who need to breastfeed . Installing blinds would be accommodating . Had I brought this up more than half an hour before I needed it , that might have been possible . Since I did not do that , for the time being , I was given an extension cord . A bright orange , thirty - foot extension cord . Itis not ideal , but it works . So I sat on the toilet , pumped , emptied the full containers into the jar , and then pumped some more . I got milk on my shirt , and the jar I brought was too small . I left the pump parts drying on a paper towel by the bathroom sink , but I had to put the milk jar in the company fridge . I thought about labeling it , in case someone thought about using it for their coffee . Being a working mother is so glamorous . In the afternoon , I texted my husband to ask what time he would be bringing the baby by to meet my coworkers , because it is apparently a crime to have a baby and then not show it to everyone . He responded that he was at the store , picking up ingredients for dinner . I admired his ambition , as I have only been on a solo excursion with the baby one time , and it was for a required doctor 's appointment . I wondered if the baby would fuss or if he would have to change a diaper in the men 's room , where there was probably not a changing station . Being a stay - at - home dad is so glamorous . |
I recently was invited to stay at somebody 's house for the weekend . I was very much looking forward to it and I indeed had a great time there . But a thought struck me just a couple of days before the trip : Was me being a vegetarian going to be an issue ? I had been there before , so I knew their eating habits . But were they aware that I no longer ate meat ? I hadn 't told them . But had my family ? I told myself that surely they had mentioned it . Well … guess who was wrong ? Dinner time came and we were all dished some awkwardness . I noticed quickly that nobody had mentioned to my hosts that I was a vegetarian . I had mentally prepared myself for this possibility and even found some humour in it . Not so much my hosts . They were weirdly irritated by me eating nothing but salad and offered me some chicken . I thankfully declined and went to explain only to be interrupted by my family . " She doesn 't eat chicken . She 's a vegetarian ! " one of the little ones shouted . What shall I say ? It 's a very big deal for the kids . They would tell strangers on the streets , if only I let them . So there it was . The V - word , that can change the mood at a dinner table completely . Before I knew what was happening I found myself saying sorry over and over . But what for ? For being an inconvenience ? I wasn 't asking for special treatment . I never became a vegetarian to be a burden to anybody . I became a vegetarian , because I couldn 't justify to myself feeding on animals , when I could comfortably live without their suffering and death . I shouldn 't apologise for that . So again , why was I apologising . I believe , because I put my hosts into a position where they felt they couldn 't live up to being good hosts . Or rather their interpretation of a good host . I was perfectly happy . They felt I shouldn 't be , that they should 've provided me with something better . And who 's fault was it that they felt that way ? Entirely mine ! I suspected they didn 't know about my vegetarianism and still I didn 't act upon that suspicion . It would 've been fairly easy to warn them . Instead I had told myself that it would be fine . To me being a vegetarian is not a big deal . It 's just the way it is . A part of my life . To others it occasionally happens to be quite a big deal . I know that . And I should respect that , the way I expect them to respect my decision not to eat meat . So for others I will have to make a bigger deal out of it at times . Just to make sure that their not knowing won 't cause them to feel uncomfortable . Once again I found myself spending hours and hours searching children 's heads for nits . It was the third time in half a year that one of the kids brought head lice home . By now I feel like an expert at spotting the disgusting little eggs . Head lice are not a sign of uncleanliness . Anybody can get head lice , in fact they feel a lot more attracted to clean heads . Therefor having them is nothing to be ashamed of . But let me tell you they are some annoying little buggers . They jump onto your head , bite you , drink your blood , lay their eggs and then they jump onto the next head . But within a week or two the eggs hatch and you 've got a bunch of new head lice jumping around . The Nymphs become adults within one to two weeks , which means more nits . The longer it takes to detect there are head lice going round , the faster they spread . That 's why it 's so important to warn everyone in your social circle . Call schools , crèche , work … everyone . Their not knowing about it yet , does not necessarily mean that you are the source . It could be that simply nobody else has detected them yet , or that they were absolute dickheads for not warning anybody . Alright , so now you have detected the nits and spread the word you have to get rid of them . Head lice treatment is quite easy to find . There are plenty of different ones and all chemists will promise a different one to be the very best and most effective . Just choose whatever , cause lets be real they all smell rank and can 't be trusted a hundred percent . You basically pour poison onto a child 's head ( and / or your own ) in hopes that it will kill all nits and lice . Nothing that smells pleasant will do the job . There also shouldn 't be any surprises to what it does to your hair . Most of the treatments have to be left in the hair for a certain time and then washed out . And damn it 's hard to get the stuff out of the hair . You 'll find yourself repeating the washing out part over and over again . Followed by this comes the really hard part : Getting all the nits out of the hair . The instructions on the head lice treatment will usually tell you to comb the nits out . Yeah … as if ! If you believe for one second that you can comb nits out you are a fucking idiot . Lice basically glue their eggs to your hair . The nits stick to the hair so well , that they can 't be combed out . You have to pull them out with your fingernails one by one . Sounds like a lot of work ? It is ! And because you can 't trust the treatments you really have to make sure to get all the nits out . So you 'll find yourself looking at every single hair of the person you are treating . Fun days when you are treating more than just one person . But I 'll tell you what the fucking most annoying thing about nits is : fucking other people ! You can be the most thorough person at finding nits and taking them out , but if there is just one person in your social circle who doesn 't treat them properly they 'll be back . You 'll have to do it all over again . And if the others still aren 't doing their part , again . And again and again . Now I know , that this is something that most women will regularly experience . You hate being on your period , but when it 's late you 're freaking out . Unless you were trying for a baby , being late is just not a good thing . There are quite simple explanations for your period to be late besides being pregnant . And I am aware that you need to have sex to become pregnant . No intercourse , no baby . But still each time a voice in the back of my mind tells me that I might be carrying the next baby Jesus . I know it 's absolutely mad ! No need to tell me that . So a much louder voice shouts back " SCIENCE BITCH ! DON ' T BE FUCKING RIDICULOUS ! " . That kinda helps . So then my mind turns to the most obvious reason : stress . And instantly I start obsessing over the possibility of being stressed . " Am I stressed ? I don 't feel stressed . But maybe I 'm just lying to myself to keep going and really I am stressed . But that would be silly . I 'm not that good a liar , am I ? Or maybe I 've been stressed for so long that I don 't even recognise it as abnormal anymore . But no … no , I don 't think so . I 'm stressing myself more with this than anything else . " So I push the thought away . But sure enough the next time I sit on the toilet and there 's no blood , I start thinking the same thoughts all over again . The longer this goes on for , the worse it gets and the harder it becomes to push the thought of my period aside . I stress more and more . And I go to sleep determined to get my period the next day . I tell myself that it 's definitely going to happen the next day . That there is nothing wrong with me and I 'd just have to wait till the next day . It surely will happen then . As if pure strength of mind and positive thinking could make my body shoot blood out of my vagina . So the next step will be that I reflect the whole past month to see if anything happened that could 've messed with my cycle . Can I ever figure it out ? Haha … you bet I can 't ! Everything always seems very normal to me . Which stresses me some more . If only I had an explanation ! Or even better : If only I started bleeding already . I stress and stress . Then I stress myself some more . Next I feel stressed over stressing myself . And then there is no fucking way out . Till the day comes where I 'm just like " Fuck this shit ! Then I 'll just wait till next month . Who needs blood uncontrollably running out of them anyway ? " So the other day I was watching " Black Mirror " , which by the way is awesome ! Those of you who have seen it before know that pretty much all episodes revolve around some imaginary advanced technology . So in this one particular episode people were able to block people from their lives . The blocked person was not only , not able to send messages to the person that blocked them , but they also couldn 't see them . The two persons could be standing right in front of each other shouting and still they wouldn 't be able to see or hear the other person . All they could see would be a blurred , featureless shape and all they could hear would be tuned down unintelligible sound . Not a chance to get around the block . It is basically an extreme version of the block function we already have . The idea and invention of this function is great . It helps you to protect yourself from harassment through social media . Before we had this function the only thing one could do was to ask the other person to stop texting , calling , etc . But if that didn 't help there wasn 't much to do other than changing your number , or deleting your account . The block function gave harassed people their power back . You were back in charge , without another person pushing you to take more drastic steps . But it seems to me it 's gotten a little out of control . The block function is being misused . Of course you are free to block whoever you want . But why ? Why does one feel the need to block a person if nothing really happened ? Because the person said something you didn 't like ? Because you had a fight ? Because you just don 't want to deal with them ? What a load of bullshit ! Whatever happened to talking things out ? Fighting till there is fucking nothing left to fight over ? Instead we make sure that we can 't be reached ? And what does this say about us ? People prefer to cut somebody out of their lives rather than dealing with them . We avoid conflict and sometimes we just want to be a little dramatic , after all there 's still the option to unblock . And how grateful they 'll be once you unblock them . Aren 't you just a kind human being for giving them another chance . Me bollocks ! It would 've been much more admirable if you would 've given them the chance to explain themselves in the first place . But nope blocking it is , I guess . Blocking , blocking and some more blocking . I 'd like to think that if we had the option to block somebody in real life people wouldn 't use it . But then again , wouldn 't they ? It 's become quite a normal thing to do and who 's to say that the next stage couldn 't become normal too . Personally I think anybody who decides I 'm not worth dealing with , or listening to , can 't have much respect for me . I 'd much rather fight with someone till we both need a break , find myself ignored for a bit and then talk it out with cool heads . At least then I know the other person cares enough to want to make up . I recently realised that I somehow got sucked into an unhealthy relationship . Obviously , I only had the best intentions . Who actually plans to be in an unhealthy relationship ? I am fucked up in my own special way , but that much ? No ! So here 's the story . A couple of years ago I met this guy online . We had a very random conversation , but he was nice enough so we talked again some time later . Over a period of time we got to know each other somewhat better . We talked regularly . He told me about his girlfriend , I told him about the guy I was involved with . Blah … blah … blah … same old story . I never thought about him as someone I could have romantic feelings for . I never even met the guy . He was just this person behind the messages , this picture on the screen , the voice on the phone . The way I saw him he would 've been great to hang out with . Someone to spend a day in the pub with . But it never came to that . Still I wished him well and cared for him . He was a friend to me . So far so good , but at some point I felt like he wished for me to be more than just a friend . He still had his girlfriend and told me often enough how much he loved her . So I explained the feeling away and didn 't ask him if there was anything to it . Then out of nowhere he told me what an awful person and friend I was and blocked me . I was crushed and could hardly understand how it came to that . In my eyes I had treated him like most of my other friends . In my brain I evaluated every friendship I ever had . Was I really such a bad friend ? Broken friendships popped into my mind . Was I to blame for every friendship that ended badly ? Maybe . I couldn 't tell . But then again why had so many of my friends stuck with me for such a long time ? Also I realised that I had plenty of friends . I told myself to just let it go . What did it matter what one person had told me ? And anyway I couldn 't even reach him to find out why he thought so badly of me . Or could I ? Through all his attempts to cut me off , he had left a back door open . I still don 't know whether on purpose or by accident , but he had left me a way to reach him . After some time thinking , I eventually decided to contact him . I won 't call it a mistake , but in a way our friendship was defined by the conversation we had then . To make it short he accused me of many things that I felt were unjustified , but I apologised anyway . I was determined to show him that I could be a great friend . The best of friends . Looking back this urge to prove myself as a good friend to a real - life - stranger seems insane . It surely is . But hey that was just the mental state I was in . So we were back on talking terms again . But this friendship brought me no happiness at all . I had to face accusations over and over again . He regularly put me down . And stupid as I was , I apologised and promised to work hard on being a better friend . To be fair things did get better . I still got side punches every now and then . He liked to tell me how much his girlfriend didn 't like me and how she mistrusted me and warned him to stay away from me . There is a good chance that she had indeed said these things . I am positive she had sensed that his intentions towards me were more than just friendly . Anyway my suspicions were confirmed by him a while later . I made it very clear that I did not see him the same way and was also positive I wouldn 't do so in future . He stayed with his girlfriend and I thought now that the air was cleared we might have an actual chance of a normal friendship . I thought clearing the air and leaving no hopes for any romance would set the guy free . Yaaaay no more hopes , no more friendzone . But nope ! That 's not how the friendzone works . Accordingly any contact between us was awkward . We made it work anyhow . Why ? I can 't fucking tell ! I was still trying to prove I was a good person and friend , I guess . There were so many things that I had to ignore in order to keep this friendship going . So many fucking things ! He asked for more and more of me . Again and again I was asked to change . To then be told how perfect I was . The fuck I am ! All the compliments just made me feel awkward . I wasn 't used to it and out of his mouth it just sounded wrong . I don 't doubt the honesty behind most his compliments . But still it was wrong . I wasn 't the one he was meant to tell these things . These were not compliments between friends . Stupidly enough I ignored them too . I admit that I still can 't tell to which extend I liked to hear these things . I was still talking to him , wasn 't I ? Why ? Anyway the day came when he broke up with his girlfriend . I dedicated much time to him . Wasn 't this what friends did ? I wanted him to be happy , I understood that he wouldn 't be for some time and that he wanted me to be there for him . I really did my best to be the friend that he needed . Then shortly after I found out that he had lied to me about a few things . I was super pissed and I confronted him . No traps , no bullshit , I told him about the proof I had for his lies . Instead of him explaining to me why he had done so and solving the issue he turned the whole thing around . Again I was told what a bad friend I was and how he owed me no explanation whatsoever . My confronting him with this only proved how bad a friend I was and all this was none of my business anyway . Yes , somehow he managed to make himself look the victim . Followed by this he blocked me again . This time only for a shorter period . How the fuck we started talking again I can 't explain . But we did . And I was back in the old circle of regular ups and downs in this relationship . It is crazy how much one can ignore on account of trying to prove a point . There were still moments when I honestly believed in our friendship . But here we are … once again I was blocked and told I make an awful friend . This time after my inquisition if he felt like he was stuck in the friendzone with me . He did . I felt like I was standing between him and his happiness and told him as much . I suggested that if he needed to distance himself from me and our friendship to become happier he should do as much . I would step back if he needed me to . He told me I was being stupid and followed by this the same old story of me being a bad friend came up again . When I saw that he had blocked me I felt … . Annoyed ! And then I thought " So be it ! " I had told him he could opt out of this after all . Sure , this had turned into something else , but the result was the same . I admit that when I suggested to end this friendship , it was not just for his good . A part of me wanted out . This friendship had become more of an obligation . And I could never live up to his idea of a friend . I gave and gave and gave and it was never enough . He had a reason to tell me I was a bad friend . Apparently in his eyes I am . But you know what ? That 's ok . There are so many people that I make a great friend to . There are people that appreciate me for who I am . And it is so fucking easy to be a friend to those people . I am not a bad person , neither is he . I am not a bad friend and neither is he . We just have different ideas of friendship . We shouldn 't change to live up to something that we can never be without being unhappy . The coach checked the big clock on the wall . It was time to get his team together . He turned on his seat and gestured his men to follow him . They rushed through the gym hall as to not disturb the ongoing game . He ushered them into the dressing room . His men had long changed , but it was the right place to have a private word with them . He could hear some of the guys joking around with each other . This was ok for now , but in only a short time he needed them fully concentrated . They seated themselves on the benches and looked at the coach . He waited till he was sure that he had everybody 's attention . Then he raised his voice . " Alright guys , this is the final . We have trained hard . You are faster and more agile . You are the better players . We deserve to be here and we deserve to win this game . " His team agreed with shouts and laughter . He went on with his speech by reminding them on the tactics and giving individual advice to some of the players . He checked the time again . " Let 's get outta here now and warm up . " The team slowly got up and left the room . The coach felt like shaking his head . He hoped they were only saving their energy for the match . In the gym hall they were greeted by cheers . A smile crept across his face . The support was on point . There were still a couple of things he had to do before the game started . He rushed around , always observing his players with one eye . Everything seemed in order . The guys were running up and down on their half of the gym hall . Their opponents were warming up on the other side . The coach kept an eye on them too . Any information he could pass on to his team could win them the game . The coach looked at the people on the benches . He needed somebody for the live stream . None of the people he would usually ask seemed to be around . No problem . He just needed someone . Anyone . And anyone was found . There wouldn 't be a qualified commentary , but at least he had found someone and the match could be found online . Back to more important things . The time flew by and soon the teams were signalled to line up . Time for the final to begin . If only they could hurry up a little . This little opening ceremony seemed to be going on forever . Finally the referee blew his whistle and the players were running . But things were not going good for his team . A bad start . His men didn 't look too good . He shouted instructions at them . They had to get their heads in the game . And quick ! What on earth were they doing ? Nothing was going right . They were better than that . Come on … concentrate , concentrate , concentrate . It was no good he had to call for a time - out . The team huddled around him . He had no way of telling whether his words reached any of his men . He could only hope . The time - out was over and his men were running again . Come on now , guys ! But soon he found himself shouting and walking up and down the sideline again . One missed chance after the other . This was not how you could win a final . More than once he wished he could put on a shirt and play himself . And just as he was about to give up hope his team seemed to be finding into the game . Yes , they were getting there . Push now . A bit more effort . Come on guys . You can do it . This was the team he had been training them to be . By the time the referee blew the halftime whistle it was a completely different game . Everything was open . Time to get them all together again . Time for another talk . Time for another speech . If they continued the way they had finished they could win this game . They just had to keep their heads in the game and keep pushing . His team listened carefully to every word he said , they refreshed themselves , took last deep breathes and then they were running again . His team was fighting , but so were their opponents . The coach was in constant conversation with his team . Shouting instructions . Walking up and down . Come on now . Push . Push . Fight . She rose early that day . Everybody else was still asleep and the house lay quiet . She could 've done with a couple of hours more sleep , but that was not an option and then again she was glad to end this constant wandering between awake and asleep . The house was still sleeping when she closed the door behind herself and stepped into the darkness . It was raining . Of course it was . The streets were empty . Barely a soul was up . She hurried her way down to the bus stop . Time was not an issue , but at least she 'd be protected from the rain . The bus pulled over the second she arrived at the stop . She would 've missed it if she hadn 't hurried . Thanks to the rain after all . " Good morning ! 2 , 70 please . " she greeted the driver . She was surprised how happy she sounded . The driver gave her a friendly smile and the ticket . She took the first seat she could find and they rushed through the early morning . " It 's way too early . " She thought , only to remember that there had been a time when she would be on the bus even earlier than this . A different time . A different place . A different destination . The pounding rain against her window and the squeaking of the wipes brought her back to where she was . " Poor driver , he 'll have to listen to this all day long . It would drive me insane . " she thought . She looked around . The bus was surprisingly full now . All on their way to work . Most seemed to know each other by sight . A little bus gang of early workers . And they talked . And talked . And they wouldn 't stop . She 'd never liked talking at this time of the day . But obviously she was the only one on this bus , who thought that way . The lights flashing by carried her off again . Did the green of the traffic light always look so blue ? And the street lights looked rather orange . She 'd seen that before . But she couldn 't remember if those lights were meant to look that way . What did she say ? What was the next stop ? All of a sudden she realised that she had no clue where exactly she was . Shit ! What time was it ? No , she couldn 't be there yet . Two stops later she finally had to get off . And then she hurried through the streets again . On her way to the next bus . She had never seen town this empty . There had always been a stream of people carving their way through the city . Today it seemed dead to her . " It 's the time . " she reminded herself . Soon town would be as alive as ever before . And she wasn 't alone . More and more people joined her at the bus stop . Most were quiet , but then a group of young people came . They talked to each other excitedly . With a smile she recognised their language . They would all be on the same flight . They were all trying to catch the same plane . Heading to the same place . She slowly opened her eyes . Where was she ? How did she get here ? She was confused and for this very short moment her world was still whole . Then her memory came back . Hit her hard . Stole her breath . A voice inside of her was screaming . Shrill and high and painful . It was her own . But no sound came over her lips . She was numb . That was due to the drugs running through her vains . She remembered that they had wanted her to sleep . She fought them , but had no chance to stop them . They should 've made her sleep forever at least . She stared at the ceiling and into the light right above her . There was nothing interesting about it , but she didn 't want to see the rest of the room . She didn 't want to see anything at all . Her eyes were dry and sore . She wanted to cry , but she couldn 't . The drugs wouldn 't let her . She should be able to cry . She should be able to scream and shout . They stole her that much . For her own safety . That 's what they repeated over and over again while they fought her down and gave her the injection . The drug couldn 't stop the feelings though . The light flickered in front of her eyes . It reminded her of some other light she had seen that day . The sun reflected in the pool . Her heart stopped for a second and she fell into pieces once again . She shook her head as if to get the picture out of her head . The shrill voice screaming in her head once more . She would never forget this picture . It was burned into the back of her mind . And right now it was the most present part of her brain . It would haunt her for the rest of her life . And break her heart anew every single time . She deserved that . It was her fault . She knew it was . And Leah was gone . A tear rolled down her face . Finally . And a sob came rolling up her throat . More and more tears came rolling down her face . She gave herself willingly to the tears and sobs until she cried hysterically . Something started beeping next to her and a woman came hurrying inside her room . The woman said something , but she couldn 't understand her . And she didn 't want to . The woman grabbed her face , looked deep into her eyes and said something else in her foreign tongue . She tried to free herself and look away , but the woman held her tighter . She cried even louder than she had before . Her real voice screaming along to the voice in her head . A second voice joined the continuous words of the woman . A familiar voice . " Susan , can you hear me ? " he asked . She turned her head to the familiar voice . Seeing him only made her feel worse . It was his fault too . " You have to calm down . " No ! No ! She could not . She would not . It was not right . She needed to scream and shout . And he should be doing the same . Why wasn 't he ? How could he be so calm ? She turned away , no longer able to stand the sight of him . " Susan , you have to calm down , or they will have to give you something . " He said . " No . " she pleaded between her sobs . They couldn 't do that to her . She didn 't want them to . They couldn 't . She tried to get out of her bed , but they held her back . More people came rushing in . She fought them , hysterically crying out " no " over and over again . It had been the same when they had dragged her away from the pool . The pushed her down on her bed and strapped her arms to it . They did the same with her legs after she started kicking them . With wide eyes she watched the doctor putting the needle in her arms . For a last time she screamed " No . " as she felt the drug getting into her system . " I don 't want this ! " she thought . " I want my child ! " she thought . " I want her back ! " Posted in Uncategorized Leave a comment Isn 't it funny how we expect love to be waiting for us just around the corner , but as soon as it does we become all confused and surprised ? But that 's today 's idea of romance . Expect the unexpected . It 's interesting how that changed , isn 't it ? Meeting somebody by pure chance used to be rather boring , if you couldn 't tell a sheer endless story leading to the meeting itself . There had to be something special about place and occasion . Today we like to believe that love is probably just down the street waiting for the right time to reveal itself . That we could literally run into our partner - to - be at any time . Fate would just lead our ways . Fate has been and will always be a constant part of any romantic idea . Believing that there is somebody meant for us and that a higher power will bring us together is what keeps us going in the end . Quinn left the house with a smile on her face . It was a good day . The sun was shining as warm and bright as it hadn 't done for a long time . This was the beginning of spring . It was her most favourite day of the year . Everybody seemed just a little happier . Even Mo on her side seemed happier . But that was probably just something she told herself . Mo was a dog , he was always happy when they went for a walk . Her steps led her to the beach . She just couldn 't go anywhere else . Not today . The sea was simply too tempting . Her smile got even brighter when she finally got sight of it . She let go of Mo and he ran straight into the water . The cold not bothering him at all . Advantages of being a dog . They walked along the beach together . Mo never far from the water and always pleased to meet people and other dogs . After about an hour of walking Quinn found the perfect place . Protected from the wind , sunny and a good view on the sea . She sat down in the sand . Legs crossed and with music in her ears she watched Mo running around . From time to time she gave people a nod and a smile when their curious looks remained long enough on her . Other times she called Mo close , when she thought that people might be afraid of him . Those were usually easy to spot . They often slowed down , but unlike the dog - lovers , who slowed down to greet the dog , somebody who was afraid would look around nervously for help . The time passed by , but Quinn had totally lost track of it . What mattered it anyway ? Her thoughts had drifted far , far away . To a place where nothing and nobody could reach her . She saw , felt and heard , but nothing reached her . It took her a while to realise that she was watching a young man playing with Mo . She took the earphones out of her ears . It helped her to fully comprehend the situation . The young man must have been around her age . And he had a dog with him himself . A little one . But the man 's attention was occupied by Mo . A smile crept on Quinn 's face . She was weirdly fascinated by this stranger . Should she go and talk to him ? While she tried to find an answer on this he looked up . She couldn 't tell whether he was looking at her , or not , but a big smile was on his face . Quinn stopped thinking and got up . Her feet moved towards him and a little voice in her head was calling " What are you doing ? What are you doing ? " . The voice was shut down by his sudden question . " Is this your dog ? " " Yes , that 's Mo . " she answered him . " He 's absolutely gorgeous . " Quinn laughed . " True . But so is your dog . " " Yeah , but Jack is more interested in the ball than me . Your Mo is just so friendly . " " He likes you . " " We are buddies already , aren 't we Mo ? " They both laughed . " I got bad news for you . " He said . " Mo is coming home with me . " " Haha , no chance . " " Ahhhh come on . I know he 'd love to . " " Don 't make me fight you . " She said with a wink . " Alright , ok . " And after a little break he said . " Are you going home ? " She thought about that for a moment . " No , I 'll walk a bit more along the beach . " " This way ? " he asked and pointed into a direction . Quinn nodded . " Then let 's go . " he said . " I 'm Michael , by the way . " " Nice to meet you . I 'm Quinn . " They shook hands and went on together . Posted in Uncategorized Leave a comment I was standing around with two friends , waiting . Well , one friend . I had only met the other girl once . But in our situation nearly everybody was called a friend . I disliked that . Melanie was nice and had potential , but at this point I refused to see her as my friend . None of the people we were waiting for was a friend of mine . Melanie and Andrea said they were their friends , but in my eyes the greater part was merely more to them than Melanie was to me and some were total strangers . I didn 't know what to expect of them , or whether it was better not to expect anything at all and I was rather bored of waiting for them . Why couldn 't they be on time ? Being late had always annoyed me . It was a fresh , but sunny morning . A promising start of day . Not for the first time I asked myself if I shouldn 't have stayed at home . I would 've loved to stretch out in the sun with a good book . But that was what I always did . Andrea had asked me again and again to join them at this and that and it had always ended with the result of me not being there . I had given her the best reason to stop inviting me , but so far she hadn 't . Some part of me was afraid she would . Therefor I was here . And to prove to myself that I wasn 't as antisocial as I made people think I was . Andrea was moving around impatiently . She wasn 't used to wait for others . It was always her people had to wait for . Then finally they seemed to have discovered someone in the crowd . The girls welcomed him with delight . And he greeted me as cheerful as the other two and seemed not to care that we hadn 't met before . Stunned I introduced myself as to remind him that we were unfamiliar with each other . The stranger gave me a big smile and told me his name was Charlie . Something about Charlie captured my attention even after the other ones arrived . I only had met one other person before and unfortunately it was someone I hadn 't liked too much at first meeting . I couldn 't be annoyed by her appearance for too long , cause my mind was busy figuring out Charlie . His person seemed to be liked by everybody . No other person rejoiced anybody as much as he did . Shortly after departing from our place of meeting I got the chance to have a little chat with him . And even though our talk was nothing more than billions of other first talks I had had before , I felt some sincere interest in my personality . I spent a good quantity of the day observing my companions . Stranger or none stranger . But Charlie was by far the most interesting individual of the group . I could tell that he was somewhat older than myself and most of the others . But then again a certain youth and energy was surrounding him . I questioned my idea of his age over and over again . It wasn 't really of matter , but I was annoyed that I couldn 't figure it out without asking him . It took me all day to finally realis what made me like him in an instant . We were sitting in a pub and over my beer I was looking at Charlie , who sat on the opposite of me . He caught my look and gave me a smile . A beautiful smile . Honest and warm . That was it ! His smile ! It was different from all the other smiles . He was smiling a lot I realized . Always at the right time . I knew a lot of people who were full of smiles . But their smiles weren 't as honest as his . His eyes lighted up when he smiled to go back to a thoughtful melancholy as soon as the smile faded . This melancholy captured me . Where did it come from ? Had it been there all day ? I remembered at least one moment I had seen it . An expression that promised personality . There was more about Charlie than his easy but charming smiles . |
I recently was invited to stay at somebody 's house for the weekend . I was very much looking forward to it and I indeed had a great time there . But a thought struck me just a couple of days before the trip : Was me being a vegetarian going to be an issue ? I had been there before , so I knew their eating habits . But were they aware that I no longer ate meat ? I hadn 't told them . But had my family ? I told myself that surely they had mentioned it . Well … guess who was wrong ? Dinner time came and we were all dished some awkwardness . I noticed quickly that nobody had mentioned to my hosts that I was a vegetarian . I had mentally prepared myself for this possibility and even found some humour in it . Not so much my hosts . They were weirdly irritated by me eating nothing but salad and offered me some chicken . I thankfully declined and went to explain only to be interrupted by my family . " She doesn 't eat chicken . She 's a vegetarian ! " one of the little ones shouted . What shall I say ? It 's a very big deal for the kids . They would tell strangers on the streets , if only I let them . So there it was . The V - word , that can change the mood at a dinner table completely . Before I knew what was happening I found myself saying sorry over and over . But what for ? For being an inconvenience ? I wasn 't asking for special treatment . I never became a vegetarian to be a burden to anybody . I became a vegetarian , because I couldn 't justify to myself feeding on animals , when I could comfortably live without their suffering and death . I shouldn 't apologise for that . So again , why was I apologising . I believe , because I put my hosts into a position where they felt they couldn 't live up to being good hosts . Or rather their interpretation of a good host . I was perfectly happy . They felt I shouldn 't be , that they should 've provided me with something better . And who 's fault was it that they felt that way ? Entirely mine ! I suspected they didn 't know about my vegetarianism and still I didn 't act upon that suspicion . It would 've been fairly easy to warn them . Instead I had told myself that it would be fine . To me being a vegetarian is not a big deal . It 's just the way it is . A part of my life . To others it occasionally happens to be quite a big deal . I know that . And I should respect that , the way I expect them to respect my decision not to eat meat . So for others I will have to make a bigger deal out of it at times . Just to make sure that their not knowing won 't cause them to feel uncomfortable . Once again I found myself spending hours and hours searching children 's heads for nits . It was the third time in half a year that one of the kids brought head lice home . By now I feel like an expert at spotting the disgusting little eggs . Head lice are not a sign of uncleanliness . Anybody can get head lice , in fact they feel a lot more attracted to clean heads . Therefor having them is nothing to be ashamed of . But let me tell you they are some annoying little buggers . They jump onto your head , bite you , drink your blood , lay their eggs and then they jump onto the next head . But within a week or two the eggs hatch and you 've got a bunch of new head lice jumping around . The Nymphs become adults within one to two weeks , which means more nits . The longer it takes to detect there are head lice going round , the faster they spread . That 's why it 's so important to warn everyone in your social circle . Call schools , crèche , work … everyone . Their not knowing about it yet , does not necessarily mean that you are the source . It could be that simply nobody else has detected them yet , or that they were absolute dickheads for not warning anybody . Alright , so now you have detected the nits and spread the word you have to get rid of them . Head lice treatment is quite easy to find . There are plenty of different ones and all chemists will promise a different one to be the very best and most effective . Just choose whatever , cause lets be real they all smell rank and can 't be trusted a hundred percent . You basically pour poison onto a child 's head ( and / or your own ) in hopes that it will kill all nits and lice . Nothing that smells pleasant will do the job . There also shouldn 't be any surprises to what it does to your hair . Most of the treatments have to be left in the hair for a certain time and then washed out . And damn it 's hard to get the stuff out of the hair . You 'll find yourself repeating the washing out part over and over again . Followed by this comes the really hard part : Getting all the nits out of the hair . The instructions on the head lice treatment will usually tell you to comb the nits out . Yeah … as if ! If you believe for one second that you can comb nits out you are a fucking idiot . Lice basically glue their eggs to your hair . The nits stick to the hair so well , that they can 't be combed out . You have to pull them out with your fingernails one by one . Sounds like a lot of work ? It is ! And because you can 't trust the treatments you really have to make sure to get all the nits out . So you 'll find yourself looking at every single hair of the person you are treating . Fun days when you are treating more than just one person . But I 'll tell you what the fucking most annoying thing about nits is : fucking other people ! You can be the most thorough person at finding nits and taking them out , but if there is just one person in your social circle who doesn 't treat them properly they 'll be back . You 'll have to do it all over again . And if the others still aren 't doing their part , again . And again and again . Now I know , that this is something that most women will regularly experience . You hate being on your period , but when it 's late you 're freaking out . Unless you were trying for a baby , being late is just not a good thing . There are quite simple explanations for your period to be late besides being pregnant . And I am aware that you need to have sex to become pregnant . No intercourse , no baby . But still each time a voice in the back of my mind tells me that I might be carrying the next baby Jesus . I know it 's absolutely mad ! No need to tell me that . So a much louder voice shouts back " SCIENCE BITCH ! DON ' T BE FUCKING RIDICULOUS ! " . That kinda helps . So then my mind turns to the most obvious reason : stress . And instantly I start obsessing over the possibility of being stressed . " Am I stressed ? I don 't feel stressed . But maybe I 'm just lying to myself to keep going and really I am stressed . But that would be silly . I 'm not that good a liar , am I ? Or maybe I 've been stressed for so long that I don 't even recognise it as abnormal anymore . But no … no , I don 't think so . I 'm stressing myself more with this than anything else . " So I push the thought away . But sure enough the next time I sit on the toilet and there 's no blood , I start thinking the same thoughts all over again . The longer this goes on for , the worse it gets and the harder it becomes to push the thought of my period aside . I stress more and more . And I go to sleep determined to get my period the next day . I tell myself that it 's definitely going to happen the next day . That there is nothing wrong with me and I 'd just have to wait till the next day . It surely will happen then . As if pure strength of mind and positive thinking could make my body shoot blood out of my vagina . So the next step will be that I reflect the whole past month to see if anything happened that could 've messed with my cycle . Can I ever figure it out ? Haha … you bet I can 't ! Everything always seems very normal to me . Which stresses me some more . If only I had an explanation ! Or even better : If only I started bleeding already . I stress and stress . Then I stress myself some more . Next I feel stressed over stressing myself . And then there is no fucking way out . Till the day comes where I 'm just like " Fuck this shit ! Then I 'll just wait till next month . Who needs blood uncontrollably running out of them anyway ? " So the other day I was watching " Black Mirror " , which by the way is awesome ! Those of you who have seen it before know that pretty much all episodes revolve around some imaginary advanced technology . So in this one particular episode people were able to block people from their lives . The blocked person was not only , not able to send messages to the person that blocked them , but they also couldn 't see them . The two persons could be standing right in front of each other shouting and still they wouldn 't be able to see or hear the other person . All they could see would be a blurred , featureless shape and all they could hear would be tuned down unintelligible sound . Not a chance to get around the block . It is basically an extreme version of the block function we already have . The idea and invention of this function is great . It helps you to protect yourself from harassment through social media . Before we had this function the only thing one could do was to ask the other person to stop texting , calling , etc . But if that didn 't help there wasn 't much to do other than changing your number , or deleting your account . The block function gave harassed people their power back . You were back in charge , without another person pushing you to take more drastic steps . But it seems to me it 's gotten a little out of control . The block function is being misused . Of course you are free to block whoever you want . But why ? Why does one feel the need to block a person if nothing really happened ? Because the person said something you didn 't like ? Because you had a fight ? Because you just don 't want to deal with them ? What a load of bullshit ! Whatever happened to talking things out ? Fighting till there is fucking nothing left to fight over ? Instead we make sure that we can 't be reached ? And what does this say about us ? People prefer to cut somebody out of their lives rather than dealing with them . We avoid conflict and sometimes we just want to be a little dramatic , after all there 's still the option to unblock . And how grateful they 'll be once you unblock them . Aren 't you just a kind human being for giving them another chance . Me bollocks ! It would 've been much more admirable if you would 've given them the chance to explain themselves in the first place . But nope blocking it is , I guess . Blocking , blocking and some more blocking . I 'd like to think that if we had the option to block somebody in real life people wouldn 't use it . But then again , wouldn 't they ? It 's become quite a normal thing to do and who 's to say that the next stage couldn 't become normal too . Personally I think anybody who decides I 'm not worth dealing with , or listening to , can 't have much respect for me . I 'd much rather fight with someone till we both need a break , find myself ignored for a bit and then talk it out with cool heads . At least then I know the other person cares enough to want to make up . I recently realised that I somehow got sucked into an unhealthy relationship . Obviously , I only had the best intentions . Who actually plans to be in an unhealthy relationship ? I am fucked up in my own special way , but that much ? No ! So here 's the story . A couple of years ago I met this guy online . We had a very random conversation , but he was nice enough so we talked again some time later . Over a period of time we got to know each other somewhat better . We talked regularly . He told me about his girlfriend , I told him about the guy I was involved with . Blah … blah … blah … same old story . I never thought about him as someone I could have romantic feelings for . I never even met the guy . He was just this person behind the messages , this picture on the screen , the voice on the phone . The way I saw him he would 've been great to hang out with . Someone to spend a day in the pub with . But it never came to that . Still I wished him well and cared for him . He was a friend to me . So far so good , but at some point I felt like he wished for me to be more than just a friend . He still had his girlfriend and told me often enough how much he loved her . So I explained the feeling away and didn 't ask him if there was anything to it . Then out of nowhere he told me what an awful person and friend I was and blocked me . I was crushed and could hardly understand how it came to that . In my eyes I had treated him like most of my other friends . In my brain I evaluated every friendship I ever had . Was I really such a bad friend ? Broken friendships popped into my mind . Was I to blame for every friendship that ended badly ? Maybe . I couldn 't tell . But then again why had so many of my friends stuck with me for such a long time ? Also I realised that I had plenty of friends . I told myself to just let it go . What did it matter what one person had told me ? And anyway I couldn 't even reach him to find out why he thought so badly of me . Or could I ? Through all his attempts to cut me off , he had left a back door open . I still don 't know whether on purpose or by accident , but he had left me a way to reach him . After some time thinking , I eventually decided to contact him . I won 't call it a mistake , but in a way our friendship was defined by the conversation we had then . To make it short he accused me of many things that I felt were unjustified , but I apologised anyway . I was determined to show him that I could be a great friend . The best of friends . Looking back this urge to prove myself as a good friend to a real - life - stranger seems insane . It surely is . But hey that was just the mental state I was in . So we were back on talking terms again . But this friendship brought me no happiness at all . I had to face accusations over and over again . He regularly put me down . And stupid as I was , I apologised and promised to work hard on being a better friend . To be fair things did get better . I still got side punches every now and then . He liked to tell me how much his girlfriend didn 't like me and how she mistrusted me and warned him to stay away from me . There is a good chance that she had indeed said these things . I am positive she had sensed that his intentions towards me were more than just friendly . Anyway my suspicions were confirmed by him a while later . I made it very clear that I did not see him the same way and was also positive I wouldn 't do so in future . He stayed with his girlfriend and I thought now that the air was cleared we might have an actual chance of a normal friendship . I thought clearing the air and leaving no hopes for any romance would set the guy free . Yaaaay no more hopes , no more friendzone . But nope ! That 's not how the friendzone works . Accordingly any contact between us was awkward . We made it work anyhow . Why ? I can 't fucking tell ! I was still trying to prove I was a good person and friend , I guess . There were so many things that I had to ignore in order to keep this friendship going . So many fucking things ! He asked for more and more of me . Again and again I was asked to change . To then be told how perfect I was . The fuck I am ! All the compliments just made me feel awkward . I wasn 't used to it and out of his mouth it just sounded wrong . I don 't doubt the honesty behind most his compliments . But still it was wrong . I wasn 't the one he was meant to tell these things . These were not compliments between friends . Stupidly enough I ignored them too . I admit that I still can 't tell to which extend I liked to hear these things . I was still talking to him , wasn 't I ? Why ? Anyway the day came when he broke up with his girlfriend . I dedicated much time to him . Wasn 't this what friends did ? I wanted him to be happy , I understood that he wouldn 't be for some time and that he wanted me to be there for him . I really did my best to be the friend that he needed . Then shortly after I found out that he had lied to me about a few things . I was super pissed and I confronted him . No traps , no bullshit , I told him about the proof I had for his lies . Instead of him explaining to me why he had done so and solving the issue he turned the whole thing around . Again I was told what a bad friend I was and how he owed me no explanation whatsoever . My confronting him with this only proved how bad a friend I was and all this was none of my business anyway . Yes , somehow he managed to make himself look the victim . Followed by this he blocked me again . This time only for a shorter period . How the fuck we started talking again I can 't explain . But we did . And I was back in the old circle of regular ups and downs in this relationship . It is crazy how much one can ignore on account of trying to prove a point . There were still moments when I honestly believed in our friendship . But here we are … once again I was blocked and told I make an awful friend . This time after my inquisition if he felt like he was stuck in the friendzone with me . He did . I felt like I was standing between him and his happiness and told him as much . I suggested that if he needed to distance himself from me and our friendship to become happier he should do as much . I would step back if he needed me to . He told me I was being stupid and followed by this the same old story of me being a bad friend came up again . When I saw that he had blocked me I felt … . Annoyed ! And then I thought " So be it ! " I had told him he could opt out of this after all . Sure , this had turned into something else , but the result was the same . I admit that when I suggested to end this friendship , it was not just for his good . A part of me wanted out . This friendship had become more of an obligation . And I could never live up to his idea of a friend . I gave and gave and gave and it was never enough . He had a reason to tell me I was a bad friend . Apparently in his eyes I am . But you know what ? That 's ok . There are so many people that I make a great friend to . There are people that appreciate me for who I am . And it is so fucking easy to be a friend to those people . I am not a bad person , neither is he . I am not a bad friend and neither is he . We just have different ideas of friendship . We shouldn 't change to live up to something that we can never be without being unhappy . The coach checked the big clock on the wall . It was time to get his team together . He turned on his seat and gestured his men to follow him . They rushed through the gym hall as to not disturb the ongoing game . He ushered them into the dressing room . His men had long changed , but it was the right place to have a private word with them . He could hear some of the guys joking around with each other . This was ok for now , but in only a short time he needed them fully concentrated . They seated themselves on the benches and looked at the coach . He waited till he was sure that he had everybody 's attention . Then he raised his voice . " Alright guys , this is the final . We have trained hard . You are faster and more agile . You are the better players . We deserve to be here and we deserve to win this game . " His team agreed with shouts and laughter . He went on with his speech by reminding them on the tactics and giving individual advice to some of the players . He checked the time again . " Let 's get outta here now and warm up . " The team slowly got up and left the room . The coach felt like shaking his head . He hoped they were only saving their energy for the match . In the gym hall they were greeted by cheers . A smile crept across his face . The support was on point . There were still a couple of things he had to do before the game started . He rushed around , always observing his players with one eye . Everything seemed in order . The guys were running up and down on their half of the gym hall . Their opponents were warming up on the other side . The coach kept an eye on them too . Any information he could pass on to his team could win them the game . The coach looked at the people on the benches . He needed somebody for the live stream . None of the people he would usually ask seemed to be around . No problem . He just needed someone . Anyone . And anyone was found . There wouldn 't be a qualified commentary , but at least he had found someone and the match could be found online . Back to more important things . The time flew by and soon the teams were signalled to line up . Time for the final to begin . If only they could hurry up a little . This little opening ceremony seemed to be going on forever . Finally the referee blew his whistle and the players were running . But things were not going good for his team . A bad start . His men didn 't look too good . He shouted instructions at them . They had to get their heads in the game . And quick ! What on earth were they doing ? Nothing was going right . They were better than that . Come on … concentrate , concentrate , concentrate . It was no good he had to call for a time - out . The team huddled around him . He had no way of telling whether his words reached any of his men . He could only hope . The time - out was over and his men were running again . Come on now , guys ! But soon he found himself shouting and walking up and down the sideline again . One missed chance after the other . This was not how you could win a final . More than once he wished he could put on a shirt and play himself . And just as he was about to give up hope his team seemed to be finding into the game . Yes , they were getting there . Push now . A bit more effort . Come on guys . You can do it . This was the team he had been training them to be . By the time the referee blew the halftime whistle it was a completely different game . Everything was open . Time to get them all together again . Time for another talk . Time for another speech . If they continued the way they had finished they could win this game . They just had to keep their heads in the game and keep pushing . His team listened carefully to every word he said , they refreshed themselves , took last deep breathes and then they were running again . His team was fighting , but so were their opponents . The coach was in constant conversation with his team . Shouting instructions . Walking up and down . Come on now . Push . Push . Fight . She rose early that day . Everybody else was still asleep and the house lay quiet . She could 've done with a couple of hours more sleep , but that was not an option and then again she was glad to end this constant wandering between awake and asleep . The house was still sleeping when she closed the door behind herself and stepped into the darkness . It was raining . Of course it was . The streets were empty . Barely a soul was up . She hurried her way down to the bus stop . Time was not an issue , but at least she 'd be protected from the rain . The bus pulled over the second she arrived at the stop . She would 've missed it if she hadn 't hurried . Thanks to the rain after all . " Good morning ! 2 , 70 please . " she greeted the driver . She was surprised how happy she sounded . The driver gave her a friendly smile and the ticket . She took the first seat she could find and they rushed through the early morning . " It 's way too early . " She thought , only to remember that there had been a time when she would be on the bus even earlier than this . A different time . A different place . A different destination . The pounding rain against her window and the squeaking of the wipes brought her back to where she was . " Poor driver , he 'll have to listen to this all day long . It would drive me insane . " she thought . She looked around . The bus was surprisingly full now . All on their way to work . Most seemed to know each other by sight . A little bus gang of early workers . And they talked . And talked . And they wouldn 't stop . She 'd never liked talking at this time of the day . But obviously she was the only one on this bus , who thought that way . The lights flashing by carried her off again . Did the green of the traffic light always look so blue ? And the street lights looked rather orange . She 'd seen that before . But she couldn 't remember if those lights were meant to look that way . What did she say ? What was the next stop ? All of a sudden she realised that she had no clue where exactly she was . Shit ! What time was it ? No , she couldn 't be there yet . Two stops later she finally had to get off . And then she hurried through the streets again . On her way to the next bus . She had never seen town this empty . There had always been a stream of people carving their way through the city . Today it seemed dead to her . " It 's the time . " she reminded herself . Soon town would be as alive as ever before . And she wasn 't alone . More and more people joined her at the bus stop . Most were quiet , but then a group of young people came . They talked to each other excitedly . With a smile she recognised their language . They would all be on the same flight . They were all trying to catch the same plane . Heading to the same place . She slowly opened her eyes . Where was she ? How did she get here ? She was confused and for this very short moment her world was still whole . Then her memory came back . Hit her hard . Stole her breath . A voice inside of her was screaming . Shrill and high and painful . It was her own . But no sound came over her lips . She was numb . That was due to the drugs running through her vains . She remembered that they had wanted her to sleep . She fought them , but had no chance to stop them . They should 've made her sleep forever at least . She stared at the ceiling and into the light right above her . There was nothing interesting about it , but she didn 't want to see the rest of the room . She didn 't want to see anything at all . Her eyes were dry and sore . She wanted to cry , but she couldn 't . The drugs wouldn 't let her . She should be able to cry . She should be able to scream and shout . They stole her that much . For her own safety . That 's what they repeated over and over again while they fought her down and gave her the injection . The drug couldn 't stop the feelings though . The light flickered in front of her eyes . It reminded her of some other light she had seen that day . The sun reflected in the pool . Her heart stopped for a second and she fell into pieces once again . She shook her head as if to get the picture out of her head . The shrill voice screaming in her head once more . She would never forget this picture . It was burned into the back of her mind . And right now it was the most present part of her brain . It would haunt her for the rest of her life . And break her heart anew every single time . She deserved that . It was her fault . She knew it was . And Leah was gone . A tear rolled down her face . Finally . And a sob came rolling up her throat . More and more tears came rolling down her face . She gave herself willingly to the tears and sobs until she cried hysterically . Something started beeping next to her and a woman came hurrying inside her room . The woman said something , but she couldn 't understand her . And she didn 't want to . The woman grabbed her face , looked deep into her eyes and said something else in her foreign tongue . She tried to free herself and look away , but the woman held her tighter . She cried even louder than she had before . Her real voice screaming along to the voice in her head . A second voice joined the continuous words of the woman . A familiar voice . " Susan , can you hear me ? " he asked . She turned her head to the familiar voice . Seeing him only made her feel worse . It was his fault too . " You have to calm down . " No ! No ! She could not . She would not . It was not right . She needed to scream and shout . And he should be doing the same . Why wasn 't he ? How could he be so calm ? She turned away , no longer able to stand the sight of him . " Susan , you have to calm down , or they will have to give you something . " He said . " No . " she pleaded between her sobs . They couldn 't do that to her . She didn 't want them to . They couldn 't . She tried to get out of her bed , but they held her back . More people came rushing in . She fought them , hysterically crying out " no " over and over again . It had been the same when they had dragged her away from the pool . The pushed her down on her bed and strapped her arms to it . They did the same with her legs after she started kicking them . With wide eyes she watched the doctor putting the needle in her arms . For a last time she screamed " No . " as she felt the drug getting into her system . " I don 't want this ! " she thought . " I want my child ! " she thought . " I want her back ! " Posted in Uncategorized Leave a comment Isn 't it funny how we expect love to be waiting for us just around the corner , but as soon as it does we become all confused and surprised ? But that 's today 's idea of romance . Expect the unexpected . It 's interesting how that changed , isn 't it ? Meeting somebody by pure chance used to be rather boring , if you couldn 't tell a sheer endless story leading to the meeting itself . There had to be something special about place and occasion . Today we like to believe that love is probably just down the street waiting for the right time to reveal itself . That we could literally run into our partner - to - be at any time . Fate would just lead our ways . Fate has been and will always be a constant part of any romantic idea . Believing that there is somebody meant for us and that a higher power will bring us together is what keeps us going in the end . Quinn left the house with a smile on her face . It was a good day . The sun was shining as warm and bright as it hadn 't done for a long time . This was the beginning of spring . It was her most favourite day of the year . Everybody seemed just a little happier . Even Mo on her side seemed happier . But that was probably just something she told herself . Mo was a dog , he was always happy when they went for a walk . Her steps led her to the beach . She just couldn 't go anywhere else . Not today . The sea was simply too tempting . Her smile got even brighter when she finally got sight of it . She let go of Mo and he ran straight into the water . The cold not bothering him at all . Advantages of being a dog . They walked along the beach together . Mo never far from the water and always pleased to meet people and other dogs . After about an hour of walking Quinn found the perfect place . Protected from the wind , sunny and a good view on the sea . She sat down in the sand . Legs crossed and with music in her ears she watched Mo running around . From time to time she gave people a nod and a smile when their curious looks remained long enough on her . Other times she called Mo close , when she thought that people might be afraid of him . Those were usually easy to spot . They often slowed down , but unlike the dog - lovers , who slowed down to greet the dog , somebody who was afraid would look around nervously for help . The time passed by , but Quinn had totally lost track of it . What mattered it anyway ? Her thoughts had drifted far , far away . To a place where nothing and nobody could reach her . She saw , felt and heard , but nothing reached her . It took her a while to realise that she was watching a young man playing with Mo . She took the earphones out of her ears . It helped her to fully comprehend the situation . The young man must have been around her age . And he had a dog with him himself . A little one . But the man 's attention was occupied by Mo . A smile crept on Quinn 's face . She was weirdly fascinated by this stranger . Should she go and talk to him ? While she tried to find an answer on this he looked up . She couldn 't tell whether he was looking at her , or not , but a big smile was on his face . Quinn stopped thinking and got up . Her feet moved towards him and a little voice in her head was calling " What are you doing ? What are you doing ? " . The voice was shut down by his sudden question . " Is this your dog ? " " Yes , that 's Mo . " she answered him . " He 's absolutely gorgeous . " Quinn laughed . " True . But so is your dog . " " Yeah , but Jack is more interested in the ball than me . Your Mo is just so friendly . " " He likes you . " " We are buddies already , aren 't we Mo ? " They both laughed . " I got bad news for you . " He said . " Mo is coming home with me . " " Haha , no chance . " " Ahhhh come on . I know he 'd love to . " " Don 't make me fight you . " She said with a wink . " Alright , ok . " And after a little break he said . " Are you going home ? " She thought about that for a moment . " No , I 'll walk a bit more along the beach . " " This way ? " he asked and pointed into a direction . Quinn nodded . " Then let 's go . " he said . " I 'm Michael , by the way . " " Nice to meet you . I 'm Quinn . " They shook hands and went on together . Posted in Uncategorized Leave a comment I was standing around with two friends , waiting . Well , one friend . I had only met the other girl once . But in our situation nearly everybody was called a friend . I disliked that . Melanie was nice and had potential , but at this point I refused to see her as my friend . None of the people we were waiting for was a friend of mine . Melanie and Andrea said they were their friends , but in my eyes the greater part was merely more to them than Melanie was to me and some were total strangers . I didn 't know what to expect of them , or whether it was better not to expect anything at all and I was rather bored of waiting for them . Why couldn 't they be on time ? Being late had always annoyed me . It was a fresh , but sunny morning . A promising start of day . Not for the first time I asked myself if I shouldn 't have stayed at home . I would 've loved to stretch out in the sun with a good book . But that was what I always did . Andrea had asked me again and again to join them at this and that and it had always ended with the result of me not being there . I had given her the best reason to stop inviting me , but so far she hadn 't . Some part of me was afraid she would . Therefor I was here . And to prove to myself that I wasn 't as antisocial as I made people think I was . Andrea was moving around impatiently . She wasn 't used to wait for others . It was always her people had to wait for . Then finally they seemed to have discovered someone in the crowd . The girls welcomed him with delight . And he greeted me as cheerful as the other two and seemed not to care that we hadn 't met before . Stunned I introduced myself as to remind him that we were unfamiliar with each other . The stranger gave me a big smile and told me his name was Charlie . Something about Charlie captured my attention even after the other ones arrived . I only had met one other person before and unfortunately it was someone I hadn 't liked too much at first meeting . I couldn 't be annoyed by her appearance for too long , cause my mind was busy figuring out Charlie . His person seemed to be liked by everybody . No other person rejoiced anybody as much as he did . Shortly after departing from our place of meeting I got the chance to have a little chat with him . And even though our talk was nothing more than billions of other first talks I had had before , I felt some sincere interest in my personality . I spent a good quantity of the day observing my companions . Stranger or none stranger . But Charlie was by far the most interesting individual of the group . I could tell that he was somewhat older than myself and most of the others . But then again a certain youth and energy was surrounding him . I questioned my idea of his age over and over again . It wasn 't really of matter , but I was annoyed that I couldn 't figure it out without asking him . It took me all day to finally realis what made me like him in an instant . We were sitting in a pub and over my beer I was looking at Charlie , who sat on the opposite of me . He caught my look and gave me a smile . A beautiful smile . Honest and warm . That was it ! His smile ! It was different from all the other smiles . He was smiling a lot I realized . Always at the right time . I knew a lot of people who were full of smiles . But their smiles weren 't as honest as his . His eyes lighted up when he smiled to go back to a thoughtful melancholy as soon as the smile faded . This melancholy captured me . Where did it come from ? Had it been there all day ? I remembered at least one moment I had seen it . An expression that promised personality . There was more about Charlie than his easy but charming smiles . |
I am thinking this morning that owning people is a bad habit humans can hardly resist trying to do . I do not know what happened to the man trying to kill himself but I just ran into the alcoholic he was drinking with on the elevator and he had since fallen and broken his arm looked like , mashed his nose and teeth and had a black eye , hazards of the preoccupation of drinking . But the other man came through the wall last night which assured me he was still alive . I introduced the idea to this man of traveling to see me , invisibly , so we would not be subjected to the abuse I encountered with the last man in here I publically connected to . Other women felt they owned him and I was barraged throughout the relationship with threatening phone calls , evil looks , etc . Even after he died , a rather scary man paid me a visit saying he had come to collect my prisoner to take him back to his rightful owner in California , his ex wife . I had never seen a woman more determined not to give up ownership of a man . It was literally almost to the point of if I can 't have you , nobody else will , when he up and died , no doubt helped along by her change of heart over the divorce and his ownership . So the next time I ran into an attractive man I really liked I was a lot more wary . I thought up the idea of just meeting in thought rather than in the actual flesh . Since he was psychic , he liked the idea of traveling out of his body it seemed , but I never discussed it with him again , for fear that he might mention this to someone else and thus alert the media . I just simply noted whether he still seemed to be thinking of me from time to time . In the interests of Doc I did tell him that I had this psychic relationship which would undoubtedly continue if he was impaired by his alcoholism to the point he could not think about any woman , or do anything with her should he like her . There was no question of a physical relationship . This was fine with Doc . He was prepared to pay the price of his alcoholism . I made as good of use of him as I could witPosted by I went out to be there when my grandson Ethan went to school and to be there when he got home as Ronda had to work a 12 hour shift and Chad , my SIL , was out of town . My grandson Jamal , 17 , also popped in from school early , but could not be there for his brother because he had to play in a state tennis tournament , ( they won ) so he will be playing next weekend , too . He dropped out playing singles when he came down with strep throat and couldn 't play , but likes doubles even better he says . Jamal and I chatted about his upcoming plans . He got a Presidential scholarship for ASU where he intends to major in business , starting this coming year . I will soon be getting his high school commencement announcement . I met his girlfriend who will be living in an ASU dorm down town ! She is going to major in health and nutrition he says . Ethan asked me if I wanted him to read aloud his 30 minutes of required reading in the evening ( by his parents ) . I said yes , so he read out of a book about Mars which I enjoyed very much . I got better acquainted with their little dog Bailey . I asked my daughter if she had a leash , so if I took him for a walk I could control him . Was I glad I took that precaution as when he heard a sound out in the desert , he made a serious attempt to get away from me and get out there and chase it down . My daughter said yes , he would probably chase whatever it was until he was exhausted as he was bred to do . I love this little dog ( I think he is a border terrier ) and I sure did not want to be the one to lose him . Ronda lives right on the edge of a great pristine part of the desert , and it was so beautiful . I apologize for being too lazy to take my camera and the charger , as the desert was just starting to bloom in all its spring glory as were the palo verde . Their back yard was in full bloom and so beautiful . To tell the truth , it took me a while to get up from down . I really needed this break . Ronda and I visited . She brought home a lovely lunch today from an Arabic cafe , featuring hummus and falafel bean croquetGerry I got on the elevator this morning in this outfit and a man got on and stared at me . I told him it was my new spring outfit and he said he liked it . Doc was pleasantly startled when I got to his apartment and agreed to take this photo . I first posted it on the family site urging all the other ladies to have photos taken of them in their new spring outfits . It is my theory that a new outfit is good for whatever ails us . I contemplated how men get some bad idea fixed in their heads and it cannot be dispelled . I remembered that my ex took a long walk into the desert three years ago in as spectacular disappearance as we had had in Utah for some time . I don 't know what women can do when men begin to act out their dark and dangerous fantasies but go to the thrift store and buy new outfits . Which is surely a good deal less upsetting , reassuring the world that all is well . My friend sent me a letter that President Obama sent blessing the national scrabble tournament . She is an enthusiastic player , and I know she plays scrabble when she is down in the dumps . I thoroughly approve . I would play scrabble , too , if I had the time , but Doc is like a big kid who might get in serious trouble with his fantasy life if I did not keep him occupied . We are working on another play reading where he gets to play a 22 year old schizophrenic retarded man and a 14 year old smart eleck ' basset playing ' son and a high school Jock . This is going to stretch his imagination in healthy ways I am hoping . My friend likes to shop for new outfits , too . I thoroughly approve of this one . I haven 't had time to work on the play I am going to send Raymond he says he will do a year from now . He is plannng two more play dates in Utah soon of his one man show , so he is getting ready for those . He has to build a mobile set which he tells us in his last post in Cowboys and Bohemians , " Finally in Boulder . " If you want to read what he is doing check out my blog list . I am preparing for my trip to Boulder in a year by resurrecting an old friendship with a woman up Posted by It is time for everyone to make sure they talk to this man because he is sorely afflicted . I will be surprised if he lives out the month . He looks ten years older than he did 6 weeks ago , and when I talked to him yesterday he told me he had a long razor slash down his arm where he got into a fight with a homeless guy over to Circle K . He said the manager had told him she was drawing up eviction papers because he was drinking out in front of the building , ignoring the rules . I would not lend him money or go to the store to get beer for him . He said he almost got run over by the fast transit , but after borrowing money from someone he set off for the store , barely able to stay on his feet . He could not find his ATM card even thugh he still has money in the bank , and that could take some process for him to be able to access his account any other way . For five years people were used to seeing him as he appears in the above photo , immaculate . In control . I reminded him that a coma helped him to quit drinking last time , so was that what he was waiting for . He then disclosed that he had only slept a couple of hours a night all the time he was sober . I said you are sleeping now ? He said yes , right through . High price to pay for a good night 's sleep , but I saw him many times yawning and saying he had not slept . So I believe him . I have read several times that some alcoholics find it extremely difficult to sleep a long time after , when they sober up . I only said positive things to him as I figure he is getting scolded enough . He talked vaguely about going to Lark , and I said , " But you come back home as soon as you get there . " He admitted that was so , so did not know how he was going to get to sobriety , the possibility of which seemed to be receding more each day . We will continue to stand watch . The man who is dying had a near death experience five years ago . When he was recovering I was working in the computer room as a monitor where he worked and took the time to talk to him almost every day . I feared that he would hit the same kind of frustrations he had before and would drink again and nothing would save him . I found out from our conversations that he was extremely psychic , probably from the near death experiences he had been having all his drinking life from the way he drank . I saw that he interacted with so many people while he was drinking that he existed in kind of a battle field with all these people vying for his attention , sometimes in most unpleasant ways . He was a very popular guy , but I figured it was his very popularity that was apt to kill him . There is little purpose in having people fight over you . But he was not thinking well enough to be cautious when he was drinking . I suggested to him that he become a spirit walker . That is that he should communicate by telepathic means so some of what he did would be invisible . He complained constantly that he could not talk to women where people knew him . Well , no , not if he was going to flirt with every woman in sight while he was drinking . When he sobered up he would have ten times more girlfriends than he knew what to do with . If he learned a different means of communication , he would not have to fight somebody who loved him over every encounter . I found him to be one of the most startling spirit walkers I have ever met . All those poems I wrote were to him . But I tired of the limitation of this means of communication after about a year , as I could see from his behavior that he and I were not destined to be together in ' real ' time , but I thought that spirit walking helped save his life , since it was almost impossible for me to talk to him the normal way , and I thought he desperately needed more and better communication than he was getting . Or he could not distance himself from his all too frequent drinking binges . This was my theory and it workePosted by The man who has been trying to kill himself for over a month is still at it . I saw him a little while ago , and he looked a good deal more haggard , dark circles starting to form under his eyes , his face bruised where he has fallen . He was begging money from everyone to buy more beer . This is a man who cannot stop once he starts . He has been taken away inumerable times by paramedics but as soon as he gets where he is going to a hospital , or somewhere , he leaves and comes home again , and they say they cannot hold an alcoholic against his will . Yesterday in a brief conversation he remembered that he had been sober for some time ( 5 years ) since he tried to kill himself like this before , ended up in a coma from bleeding into the stomach He looks to me like he is not far from being able to die now . Don 't know if anyone will realize it this time . They were barely able to save him last time . It 's pretty painful to be watching all this happening , it seems to have disturbed all the other alcoholics . Maybe they will see what is in store for them as their appetite for alcohol inevitably grows larger , while their body 's tolerence for it grows less . This is like watching a man with a terminal disease wasting away . His will to drink is stronger than anybody else 's power to stop him . Alcoholism is a terrible disease . This is very close to a death watch . Day before yesterday I made the mistake of mentioning to Doc I had another play , " Prince from Saturn " I might want us to read after " Blue " was all uploaded ( it will be done after two more videos ) so nothing but do I had to find two copies of it somewhere and we had to start reading it . He filmed it , too , but I didn 't like it because he set the camera too far away and my thunder thighs were too prominent . I also didn 't like how he interpreted some of these younger characters . I insisted on stopping part way and going home over his protests . At 3 am that night or early morning I could not sleep for some reason and got up to check my computer . As I was sitting there , to my shock the phone rang . I saw by the caller ID it was Doc ! He is strictly forbidden to call me in the middle of the night , so I let it ring and ring . Finally after he had called a number of times I decided I better answer as he might be sick or something . I answered and he told me to get down there right now as he wanted to finish that play ! He said he had watched what we filmed twice . Can you imagine ? I said no , and he argued and argued with me , so I hung up on him , but finally when he called back about 5 am , I answered and when he said get down there , I agreed . I was not going to get any more sleep , it was clear . Besides this is somewhat how Doc works , only he has never acted quite so goofy before . So we read the rest of the play this time close up , and I liked that part better . He wanted me to stay and make up a trailer as he was going to , but I refused . He called me later and said his trailer was done and now he was burning copies ( in a white hot pace ) Mind you , he made it plain he was not doing this because he regarded this play as a masterpiece , it 's just the way he gets things done . Today I did not mention this play to him , as I decided I was going to do something with it I have not done before . I am going to force him to do it over if he wants me to put it up on Youtube . He is going to have to improve the reading which in his infinite alcohoPosted by I posted the above photo because of the magnitude of these deaths of beautiful highly trained horses of unknown causes at the moment , although the reasons will soon be known to the mourners of great horses dying everywhere . I have never heard of that many horses suddenly dying . When I think of how my dad would have reacted to just one death of one of his trained cow horses , I can just imagine how this hit the players and trainers alike . In polo as in cowboying , the horse and rider become one . It is so magnificent to watch . I will update you when the reasons for these deaths have been tracked down . One story on the Internet is that they think the deaths were caused by each horse getting a shot of a steroid to enhance performance which had somehow been mixed with cleaning solution ! No followup is available , so it still might take a while to confirm the reasons for the deaths . Connie sent me the beautiful touching graphic of the horse and girl overhead which I thought showed the deep love of horses some humans develop . Connie says that she is not going to post anymore in her blog Windswept Whispers , but I am unable to get to her other blogs as Blogspot has put a warning on them as having material in them they might not approve of . I never could get a blog to appear , so Connie will have to track the reason down . Another blogger from AOL had to get that lifted off her blog after she migrated . I put a message on Windswept Whispers , but Connie might not read that for some time , so I will also put one here and then if I still can 't get to it , I will send her an e - mail . I thought I would enter the Photo Challenge this week which " The Great Outdoors " . Here is my entry which is a photo of the winning art entry for our new Civic Space Park just down from the street from our complex . The park cost over 2 million to develop and the art project $ 600 , 000 . Since it is designed to be a desert cactus blossom the artist said she calls it " Nature is patient . " I found this photo in an old Country magazine and I decided to post it for Kelli , who writes Thoughts of a Sober White Women , because she has been talking about making soap as an ecco friendly thing to do . This reminded me so much of our days of makng soap in the country out of animal fat and lye , water , etc . We used beef suet quite a bit because we did not make lard out of it as we did with pig fat . We would be tending the fire and stirring now and then until it set up , and then we would leave it over night and the next day we would cut it up in chunks leaving this caustic jelly we would have to find some place to pour out , as it would burn a place in the grass , but did not really do a lot of harm . This was just one more big old task I would help with . My dad would not buy laundry soap out of the store ever . The only thing he agreed to buy willingly was pork and beans for camping out . Maybe a little can of vienna sausage once in a while . He had been raised to be very frugal like his Mom . He would have highly approved of you , Kelli , with your quilt making . My mom wanted to leave behind country ways which is why they never got along I suppose . She thought that if she went to all the trouble of building a country store and stocking it , she should be able to live out of it . She refused to make bread any more , so our dad recruited us girls to make his home made bread . He loved nothing more than warm bread , butter we churned ourselves , and home made jam we bottled in the summer out of a number of different fruits . He was ecco friendly like Kelli and didn 't even know it ! I thought this movie starring Russell Crowe , Ben Afleck , Rachael McAdams , Robin Penn Wright , and Helen Mirren was well done and quite relevant to the times . It was based on a series developed in England and changed to an American setting . Russell Crowe plays a newspaper reporter and Helen Mirren his boss and Ben Afleck his friend from college who is now a congressman and subject to corruption in office . The story also makes the case of the newspaper as a the best source of all the pertinent details of the story . And what would we do without it ? I don 't think it will become obsolete just because we need newspapers on a local level to give us the indepth story . That can 't be done nearly so well on the Internet . And I think we might end up with better newspapers if the publishers pay attention to local issues . I think for a long time the trend was away from local coverage , which did not make sense since the Internet could do a better job of just reporting the facts of national newstories , cheaper and faster . Newspapers trying to compete soon lost ground . So now we are back to the basic reason newspapers were invented in the first place , to cover stories nobody else could in each city . I am just as interested in the newspaper now as I ever was , because I am reading about so many issues that are related to Arizona economy , schools , employment , everything in fact ! Just recently the Arizona Theater Company announced it would do four new plays that have never been produced before this coming season . The success of this exciting development will depend on how well the newspaper covers these plays . I have a huge invested interest in this , because I would like to see one of my plays produced here before I die . I would like to see Raymond 's grant winning play " Blue Baby " produced here . It should have been well on its way to a big production when it received a $ 5 , 000 grant from the Arizona Commission on the Arts with the famous Tony Kunstler , the playwright who wrote " Angels in America " about the AIDs epidemic , as a judge . RaymPosted by We met around 7 : 30 at the park where quite a lot of people had gathered to hear the artist Janet Aukerman from Boston talk about her work . She suggested we think of it as kind of a blossom , and it does look like one when lighted . Colored lights on poles reflect into the lighting of the netting and make it look as though it is glowing from within . He said that every night different lights will go on that will make subtle changes in the colors of the ' blossom . ' One story they told was how a swarm of bees flew up into the center of it , so they thought it looked like a blossom , too . That got a laugh from the crowd , as we have been plagued with swarming bees here who have taken up residence in vacant houses in foreclosure . I took my camera but it is too primitive to take good night pictures . I was glad others were there with more expensive cameras to show those who didn 't see it lit what they were missing . Engineers and lighting experts talked . They said they wanted a sculpture piece that was up in the air since this is a small park and they needed all the space for people to mix and mingle , and boy , were we looking up , most of the day . They also featured a fountain of many colors , too , under the sculpture in the air . I went over there three different times today to take in what was going on . I was happy to see my son Gary walk up this last visit . We listened to everybody talk about how they did it , and then he walked me home . I am glad I went ! That 's it , the winner , that round circle up in the sky with some kind of netting hanging from it , and tonight it is going to be lit , but I can 't guarantee my camera will take a good photo of that . I am going back tonight , so if I get a good picture I will post it . Otherwise it is just your ordinary little park which they feel will enhance the center of the city . I agree . I like it ! I think it is a big improvement on the last one which nobody liked so they tore it down . This one is only a hop and skip and jump from where I live . Aren 't I lucky ? In this video Luis talks about his wife regarding his male lover as their best friend . The kids love him , too , because that is how he has been introduced to them and best friend is the role he plays in their life . This scenario probably plays out in a lot of households where one or both parents are gay . And wives , especially , are desperate to keep the breadwinner father of their children around , no matter what he might do . There is also the possibility as with my father , that along with a gay gene , he also had a strong paternal side that made him want children . I think there are many gays like him , too . So they will do whatever is necessary to acquire them . I am quite fascinated with the book , " Straight Acting " pictured above , whose gay author , Angelo Pezzote , claims that most gay men are in the process of ' coming out ' their whole lives . ( This book is available in our public library ) Gay men may be out among their friends but not at work , or their parents may still think they are straight , an so on , and when Pezzote describes all the hazards of coming out in our society , it is no wonder that it is so difficult to do . Having had a gay dad , I have been studying and thinking about the problems of gay parents since I was five years old . My dad was in deep denial to everyone I suppose but the ' friends ' he interacted with sexually . He probably thought that was risky enough . I have come to think he was predominately gay , which means if there is a gay gene he may have been born with one . My second husband , however , was raped by a man when he was seven , which seemed to affect him to the point of pursuing gay relationships , but I thought he did this partly to take revenge . As he got older , I thought that he began to pursue younger guys as a kind of father figure who would betray them the same way his ' friendly ' neighbor did , as children often do who have been victimized by pedofiles . Some of these themes about gays acting straight figure in a lot of my novels and plays . This play " Blue " is no exception . Blue is the all seePosted by I suddenly realized that the temperature in the room was too high , so I stopped dancing and told them I had to have the temperature at exactly 78 degrees or I would get overheated , so they turned it down and we were waiting for the room to get to the right temperature so I could dance when I woke up . I then realized that this was also probably a dream about my daughter who belongs to a west coast swing dance club . ( the trophies in the photo are hers ) I usually talk to her on the phone every Sunday night when she is on her way to dance , but since she started her nursing job which is in 12 hour shifts she says she can 't always go because she is too tired . I have been concerned about her feeling too much stress in her job on a unit that is not ICU but the next one to it . She says it was very stressful at first , but she is getting used to it . She was also perturbed this last Sunday night about some bad feelings the residing board of officers have caused among members . She was going to another dance place further away this Sunday night where upset members were meeting , but she said she did not want to stop going to her club altogether so she was going to go back . The board had kicked out some of the members . It is not as if there is a bunch of west coast swing dancers waiting in the wings to take their place . Many of the members did not think the board should be kicking people out of the club for just any infraction . I agreed that if members did not agree with the reasons , it did not seem logical for the board to proceed . She said there had never been such a problem with a board 's actions before , but this one seemed to be taking their authority too seriously . I am always concerned that Ronda will get too stressed out with all she takes on . She adores her dance club and has made a lot of friends among the members . It is her favorite way of kicking back and enjoying some wonderful exercise . I love to see her dance . She is very graceful like her father who impressed me the first time I ever saw him roller skating . He wasPosted by Twenty two years ago I was interacting with men who were gay but married , studying them , and also because they were often very brilliant , talented , and attractive . If they turned outlaw they had the capacity to do considerable damage to their society , to their wives , kids , whoever might be affected by their deceptions . The man on whom the character Royce was based is one of the most brilliant and charming men I ever met , but with definite criminal tendencies . I was surprised to find him as personable as he was . My own father was considered one of the smartest men in the country . Well , it is very painful when for whatever reasons , this person begins to become very troubled because of all the conflicting feelings they and society have about their gay activities . Which leads me to believe that a good many of these activities are initiated with the young and underaged who are vulnerable , boys who take high risks , drink , or who have already been victimized as innocent children . We like to think that this happens through natural inclination , and in some cases it seems to , but I think that at the present we have not observed what happens to these troubled men from childhood on . I made it my business to study them over several generations , starting with my grandfather . I saw so much unhappiness among these men that I could not help but try to study them more to see what could be done to change things . The women married to them are quite as unhappy as they are , for how can a woman be happy with a man who is not . If she is not being treated well ? The reasons for studying these troubled people are endless . I would have to say that I think the angels are still crying when anyone dies on this earth because of devaluing life . It is very hard sometimes to value life as it should be valued because it is a great gift from the creator . But on sacred holidays like this we can rededicate ourselves to the cause . " In so much ye have done it unto the least of them , you have done it unto me . " As long as the innocent die , we never stop hanging people on the cross . Thank you , Sugar , for this picture . I surely enjoyed visiting with Ethan a couple of hours while Ronda , my daughter , was taking care of business at the hospital where she works , which is not far from the Westward Ho . Ethan surprised me by asking questions and wanting stories about my past , growing up in cattle country . I had plenty of hair raising tales to tell him . He is the first grand child I have had who has taken such an interest in the past . Ethan says he likes history and social studies is his favorite class . I believe it after he asked question after question . His mom picked us for lunch at the Thai Hut where my youngest son , Dan , joined us . Dan works to the new Sheraton Hotel in downtown Phoenix which has cut his hours due to slow business , as you might imagine . He has not yet been laid off , but is working on other options for work while he has time to write screen plays and create web sites , etc . I used to love having my hours cut so I could write , as it is hard to get the energy and time to do much while working a full shift . I always tell anyone trying to be an artist , buy time if you can , because you have to practice in order to get good at art . Dan said he is doing research on the drug cartels which are getting alot of publicity in Phoenix right now . Ronda said she is working very hard on her job in nursing which is in the wards where people go out of ICU . She says there is plenty to do that must be done right for the safety and recovery of the patient , but once she got used to her responsibilties she is finding it easier to do . Altogether it was a very enjoyable get together . And lifted my spirits considerably . I must explain that Blue , the alien , is the sober man in our society who is able to communicate telepathically , fly to the stars , triumph over aging and death , and all sorts of wonderful things , and he is helping the dying sister to find the life in her death . The drunks represent the addicted members of our society who have lost their vision of what they can be in substance abuse . They cannot get off the ground . They cannot keep up with Blue . Of course these superior beings in our society have to practically remain invisible , their powers unleashed , because ordinary mortals are too jealous to stand them . Thus we see the lure of substance abuse in order to be accepted . The woman playwright is a threat also , as she is too all seeing to be loved . The more insight she develops the less apt she is to get a ' showing ' on earth . People will not ' see ' her just as they don 't see the alien . She will find herself growing more and more invisible while still alive . This is the way people have always greeted writers . They are suspicious and distrusting of them , so they try to get control of them by rewarding them with riches and fame if they will just stop laying quite so much truth on the protesting public . A good woman writer will very likely not be recognized in her time . And will generally be regarded as a failure if considered at all . Lesser writers on the other hand will have no trouble finding fame and fortune . It will be a snap . The alcoholic has tried to sabotage this play , but he has not altogether succeeded . The writer 's stamp on it remains despite everything he can do to claim the credit for himself . Women playwrights must make do with addicted actors who are better than no actors at all . They do not fear them . They know the public will eventually get the play sorted out , and will recognize the power of sober Blue who looks with shrewd insight on the antics of the drunks . The drunk is the freak , not the extra terrestrial . I decided that I needed to counteract the effect of many deaths in two weeks time by getting out into the world more . ( Another woman died who had shared her story with me this year of going downhill after hip replacement surgery ) Also the man we all have been worrying about who seems to be suffering a major meltdown is still very troubled and unable to get back control . The Farmers Market which features flowers for sale like the one above is a great place to go . I get the best tomatoes there I have found anywhere in Arizona , vine ripened , also wonderful tasting onions . Yesterday I got tabouli salad which is so green I feel like a cow eating it which takes me back to good country eatin ' . Tabouli salad and sliced tomatoes , a divine supper . I added some vegetarian tamales made with spinach . Tomorrow I plan a walk over to the Arizona Center to check out summer skirts . If I find one I like I intend to buy one brand new . I rarely buy new clothes , but colorful skirts are such a big part of dressing for the heat , I would like to get just one I did not buy in the thrift store . That usually satisfies me , but I did not buy myself anything for Xmas even though I was given money specifically to do so . I was saving for my trip to California which did not end up costing a whole lot so I feel that I can afford to buy one now . The next day I am having my grandson Ethan over for a little while and then we will go to lunch with his mother and Uncle Dan . It is always fun to see my grandchildren . They make me feel good with their youthful exuberance . Ethan is my youngest one . I am looking forward to catching up on what has been happening with my daughter with her new nursing job . She has to go to the hospital for something , but won 't be working which is why we have time to go to lunch . She works 12 hour shifts so all she can think of is getting home otherwise . So already I am startng to feel better as I shake off the effects of so many deaths in such a short time . You might say it has been a hard winter here . If any ailing people gotPosted by I went down at 8am for coffee in the ballroom in an event sponsored by the WRAI , a non profit tenatns organization which does not elect resident officers as the other one does , but is dedicated to bringing other benefits to the residents . I quite enjoyed this session with a member of the Arizona legislature who was willing to discuss the draconian cuts Arizona has had to make to balance the budget this year . Quite a number of residents ended up attending as the state has recently cut copays on drug prescriptions which has affected SSI recipients quite a bit . Anytime you are going to initiate a cut that will affect that group of people you will get some alarm . A number of other programs have been cut back , too , which legislater State Senator Debbie McCune Davis addressed . Nola and Victor , pictured above , are two long time members and original founders of the WRAI . I enjoyed getting out and about and listening to a group of people address what is going on in our state . Sounds like this state senator is also engaged in trying to educate new legislaters on what is involved in programs they might cut . Ouch ! It hurts to balance the budget ! I don 't know why Doc is able to play drunks so well , or why I was surrounded 22 years ago by drunks , too . I called them my patients I was trying to save . They came for miles for my therapy . They traveled in the spirit when they were too imprisoned and addicted to come in the flesh . I calculate I kept quite a few of them alive a few years longer . Oddly some of the most creative and funniest men I ever met were the worst off . You would think the world would love a wit but that is not so . Or else their creativity causes them to be too sensitive and therefore too prone to medicating themselves from pain . So I tried to enjoy the laughs they provided even though they were so hard to cure . Above is one of the spring blouses I bought to the thrift store . I took a photo of it to cheer you up , too . it was senior citizen day . It was sad to think of Bob 's parents coming to take the last vestiges of his presence away from the Westward Ho . He had died . And this will be among the last of their many trips here over the years coming to support Bob . They used to attend all the parties until they got ailments that kept them from driving , and they were also tending their 2 little great grandchildren while their granddaughter worked , for free of course . I know a lot of grandmothers who step in to volunteer their baby sitting services and there are probably going to be more . Greater love hath no grandmother . I know my own sister has tended four of hers regularly and always goes to visit the other ones . My sister Linda is now busy in San Francisco tending her two grandchildren before and after school . She hopes to get into see a specialist this week some time as she is still having alot of problems with her numb hands , which she now thinks is connected to her upper back . I was reading where Obama was addressing other countries saying that they could not keep looking to the US to consume all their products , that we had gone overboard with our consuming habit as urged on by our presidents and so on , and an adjustment was going to have to be made to turn us back into savers . For spending has brought us to a sad end , and all the businesses that opened on the strength of our consumer habits will drag along or go bankrupt . That 's a whole lot of adjustment there . I just read in Lisa 's blog that she is in the hospital with pneumonia in both lungs , one worse than the other one . Her blog is on my blog list Please Dont Take Life for Granted . This was posted since I last checked as I usually check her blog every day or so . I am sending her this beautiful angel that Sugar made to watch over her , as I sent it to Nelishia who has had a very rough winter with frequent virus attacks . I just hope she is doing all right . I wait for her to get better and post . I just went to Missy 's blog Upside Down World and was dismayed to read that she is suffering more complications in her leg , more pain , and just really a scarey difficult experience , and she needs more concentration of our prayers . I am so sorry this knee surgery has turned into such a harrowing experience for her . She needs angels to be with her , too . Her blog is on my blog list . I have no choice . Either that or be overwhelmed ! I listened to three hours of great country music last night on the CMA awards , and you don 't get that good without a lot of hard work . Alchoholism and drug addiction used to be tolerated more it seems back in the ' old ' days , but now you would soon ' fall off the charts ' if you indulged yourself very much in that malarkey . I thoroughly enjoyed this show which was so well done . I thought the tribute to the soldiers was so touching by Trace Adkins . His tall dramatic figure and the choir singing behind him just knocked me out , especially when they were singing we won 't come home . I thought it was great that they thought to give Lee Ann Rimes a humanitarian award for her work with the children of soldiers gone to war . However , how does this all translate to the common people ? I won 't stop talking to alcoholics or trying to work with them as much as I can , as long as I think it is productive . Some alcoholics knew more about a good work ethic than some sober people do ONCE . That is the point . They have given up and fallen into some down thinking that is for sure , and this is where I want to stop short before they suck me into depression . I could not help but be depressed all this week with some huge meltdowns around here , topped off by another death that was clearly caused by excessive alcohol and tobacco use . So off I go this morning to the grocery store and I will stop by for moment of cheer at the thrift store across the street . Haven 't been there since I got the flu . I got an e - mail from Krissy whose blog Sometimes I Think is now listed on my blog list . She reported on the last few months when John suffered from both viral and fungal pneumonia as a result of the weakness in his immune system after his marrow transplant . He first got shingles and chickenpox at the same time , and experienced maximum pain , but I can 't believe how those two cooperate and fight for life . Krissy says she is back to blogging again after some harrowing months . There is a lot of courage demonstPosted by There is an alcoholic couple on the 9th floor where I live who are starting to call constant attention to themselves with brawls . The police were called when the man threatened to kill the woman yesterday . She left last year for some time after beng accused of seriously trying to kill him , but after several months returned because she is too old and broken down to work and it would be impossible for her to get disability right now based on her alcoholism , so she just came on back to him as the place of last resort . Another younger alcoholic who lives near them is trying to get them evicted since now a trail leads to their door of spills , dog accidents , etc . They call everyone names who criticizes them . So it is a lovely area of our home to venture into . When I find myself living among the dramas of the addicted I think well , alcoholism is not so much different than my own food addiction , which just has quieter results . When I wrote my play Blue I put the most troubled , creative and probably most briliant characters in my play I had had a long time associations with , which started with my father . I found almost every one of the alcoholics in this play to have been broken down as children , all what we call bisexuals , with therefore the most difficult sexual problems to handle in our society . I have Doc reading this play with me , another brilliant alcoholic who is the only one who is not a bisexual of the older men . My son Cal is a character in this play . Doc keeps reading hostility in his attitude toward me , which I kept telling him was not there . My son who ran the playwrights workshop was far too civilized to talk like that to anyone . I got so mad at Doc for misinterpreting my lines that I almost quit the reading , but I decided to let his reading be an example of working with an alcoholic who is gleeflully portraying alcoholics . I got mad at him for adding lines that suggest even my father and Uncle Deke are still drinking , after having died and gone to hell presumably . I tried to explain how he does not add to tPosted by Blue , the alien , proposes to Colfrey that she have his child . She points to the hole in her abdomen where the chemo is zapped to fight the cancer , but Blue does not seem to think that will be any problem . She also says she is too old for him but he says he is a billion years old in our time . Colfrey is raised from her gloom finding out about extra terrestrials . She is so tired of thinking about cancer that she welcomes this new ' Blue ' diversion . She seems to opt for the old fashioned way of dying and being greeted by relatives who have passed on rather than leaving with an alien stranger in his space ship . Her dad will come to get her on a horse . An angel choir will no doubt be singing ! I found out yesterday afternoon that this notable resident had a massive heart attack and stroke , and his parents reported him on life support . Bob has been a long time resident in here who was known for his devotion to the Diamondbacks . He called himself their number one fan and would wheel himself down to the home games at least once a week , as well as watching all the games on TV . You could count on him to remind you the game was on . Traits like this endeared this stroke victim to me in spite of his temper . He had a tough time at first of adjusting to life in a wheel chair and got into a fight a day it seemed sometimes . I remember one notable one he had with an older resident who was wielding a cane while Bob parried with a cane of sorts he carried on his wheel chair for protection . The hot tempered older resident was furious to think a younger one would attack him , but then Bob was more handicapped ! I remember he and I having long conversations about his recliner falling apart , as he could not sleep on a bed his limbs on one side were so frozen , so he was going to have to buy another lazy - boy which he said was the only kind he could sleep in comfortably . Then I had to contemplate how it might feel to never be able to stretch out on a bed again . Bob suffered his stroke while he was a long distance truck driver and said he drove too many hours one time too many and paid for it . He would always take the blame for whatever he thought he was responsible for , and that was that , so let 's get on with life and stuff like baseball you can still enjoy . Bob loved to go out to eat to a cafeteria and he had just discovered the new cafeteria in the student dorm close by and said he went there as often as possible . It sure beat his home cooking . I will miss Bob . I remember him always greeting Dante when he came to visit , from the time he was a little boy . Once when Dante was around six he greeted him after having not seen him for a while . He told me he said , " Haven 't you got a hug for me ? I thought you liked me . " Dante quickPosted by I mailed some books this morning and took a walk around the block on a nice spring morning . I took my camera to photograph the new civic park next to the post office but the fence was too thck , so I will have to wait until it is gone . I paid a call to Circle K for some juice , etc , and when I came in the door why was I not surprised to see the invididual we have all been worrying about sitting there , still quite drunk . It looks like he has sprung out of Lark as fast as he went in , so I sat down to talk to him a little bit since he was a little less drunk than in past days . He then told me that he had a large round spot on his hip that had caused all the trouble in the first place by stinging and burning non stop . After 7 sleepless nights he started to drink . ( some days ago ) He said after all this drinking , it still stings and hurts . He said that he has been in 3 hospitals trying to get a diagnosis and treatment . Now they think it was brought in from abroad and is something they don 't recognize , so he was waiting for a taxi to go have a culture of it taken , so someone else can try to tell what it is and how it must be treated ! This is the first I have heard of this trouble . Sometimes there are simple physical causes to the beginning of a spiral downward you donot expect . I wished him luck . Since I did not get any photos and the gorgous palo verde is just starting to blossom I decided to post the photo above of a tree my sister Ann sent me from Utah . I call that some flowering tree . I talked to Raymond twice in Utah and he sprung this news on me . He wants to do my play , " Happy Hello , Sad Goodbye , " in Boulder , probably not this summer , but next summer when he hopes to have helped build out a theater there . This was the first full length production he did in a theater in Phoenix , produced by his friend Bryan John . That was a wonderful experience for me . Happy Hello was written in Boulder with a mountain setting . ( You can see an improv version of it on my Youtube Channel gerryking40 Doc and I made ) So I found out I had Posted by Luis , who was drawn from life from a man I hung out with for about seven years , was one of the most remarkable intelligences I met on the west side . He intuitively understood people like no other . He had a rare sense of humor . He could keep a crowd of his followers laughing with his boldness and impertinence . He did not bother to tell lies about his most shocking traits . The only people he spared the truth were his children who were not ready for it . He was a born spirit walker , but there was tragedy in his past that kept him a prisoner in that bar and his alcoholism . Pretty soon , no matter how gifted , he could only shuffle along as a prisoner does , bound by his chains , but he recognized that I had become an alien in my own country as he would always be . I was not accepted . I pushed people too far , said too much , spoke about the unspeakable , and the powerful had marked me as a non entity , ' crazy ' therefore an untouchable , a woman who did not know her place . April brought welcome relief to the Westward Ho . Our anguished resident at last agreed to go off to a facility for help with his alcoholic meltdown that has kept us on the edge for over a week I never felt such relief as when I talked to one of his good friends who I could see had been working tirelessly to try to save his life . I thought she was behaving in an admirable manner and he certainly needed this kind of friend . I was afraid she would have fled the premises , but she was made of stronger mettle than that . I have long had all I could handle with Doc and could not take the kind of measures she did . Perhaps in time she will have some ideas about Doc as she said she used to be a counselor Doc flirts with the idea of rehab now and then , so he made me repeat the whole story . I am sure our friend is still not out of the woods , and might resist treatment as he has been known to do . He and Doc both are of this old fashioned breed of men who think they can handle their lives with no help , but then they just don 't do it . It 's very important to trust someone or something to get the monster in control . Doc is certainly not safe . He 's just a sipper not a gulper . My dad could hit a crisis in a few hours of drinking by pouring copious amounts of poisonous brew down himself . I had never gotten acquainted with anyone before with the sipping approach to death by alcohol . I still maintain this method may be slow but it will get you in the ground eventually . |
Category : Stories The Morning Star In the beginning there was God , only God , and God was bored . Above all , God was an artist , and so to amuse itself it undertook a great project . This was a grand and complex construction project , something novel , something unique , something of unparalleled beauty : In its unmatched mechanical genius , God built a layered series of dimensions , and into this new physical space , it crafted and inset a universe . It was gorgeous beyond description , this universe , but when it was finished God found itself unable to enjoy it . It hadn 't counted on upkeep and maintenance , evolution and growth , and the time and energy required to run this project was enormous . So it built a shining city , the city of Heaven , and in the halls and homes of Heaven , God created life . The first life was perfect - thoughtlessly obedient , flawless creatures of alabaster skin and fluffy white wings . It called them Angels , its arms and eyes and ears , and it loved them as it loved itself . And so its Angels took to running the universe , enacting God 's directives , repairing , expanding , and maintaining its creation . And God settled back on its throne , in the city of Heaven , and it marveled at what it had done . Now it had time to think . And for ten billion years it thought . And as it thought , it realized something was wrong . It was bored again . It tried bringing its Angels to it for counsel , to discuss its misgivings , but in this they lacked all capacity . Their thoughts and opinions mirrored its own , endlessly , and God found itself more and more distressed , craving something indefinable . Then one day , in the greatest stroke of genius this universe will ever see , it understood . It knew how it could be surprised . Continue reading " The Morning Star " → December 28 , 2016 0 Fade in , Fade out We fade in reading books . My parents were former hippies who had gone legit : my Jewish father had just opened a matrimonial law practice , and my Irish - Catholic mother taught Math and Earth Science at an alternative education high school . By the time I hit my mid - 20s she had moved on to district administration , his practice had exploded , and they were making a very good living with money to spare . But as a child , in that house out in the country , we lived mortgage payment to mortgage payment . It was a comfortably middle - class American upbringing - a fundamentally happy childhood . I was kind , the people around me were kind , and life consisted only of playing outside , video games , sports , school , and books . Mostly I fade out reading books . Christmases we spent with the Clarks , my mother 's parents in Parsippany , New Jersey . If we were maybe middle to upper - middle class , they were very clearly middle to lower - middle . My grandfather at this point was a full - blown alcoholic , glued to his recliner in the living room , while my grandmother , Alice , was , I dunno , some sort of saint . This was the Catholic side , and though my mother is basically an atheist , the holidays were important to Grandma , so we always went down there in December when school was out . First Hannukah in Ithaca , then Christmas in New Jersey . I was the envy of all my single - religion friends . Alice Clark , as I said , was some sort of saint . She had lived through both World War II and a life - long marriage to a hyper - intelligent , underachieving alcoholic . Tom Clark had been an aerial photographer , scouting forward positions on the western front , then turned so hard to bitter when he came home that it was impossible to see what had once made him happy . My clearest memory of him is bare - foot , hippie - child Joshua trying to give him a hug , and him pushing me back and extending a hand . Men shake . Alice though , must have spent half her tiny pension on junk for me and my brother . All the useless plastic crap that my parents refused to buy us somehow ended up under that Christmas tree . A plastic bow and arrows with suction cups , which - so unlike the cartoons - fell only a few limp inches when fired ; an elaborate black Lego castle that must have cost 100 bucks , and which my parents had dubbed : The Castle That Cost Too Much ; that sort of thing . She spoiled us rotten and loved us to pieces . They lived in what was basically a one - story trailer , built up on a foundation , and chain - smoked incessantly when we weren 't around . It wasn 't until years later that I identified the smell in that place . I loved it there . What I really loved , of course , was fading in on Christmas morning . Every year , me and Alice , we played a game : it was a race to see who could get up first . Every year I woke up in my tiny Mighty - Mouse pajamas , in the blue - black morning , thinking this would be the year . And every year I raced out into the living room and there she was , sitting calmly at the table , drinking her coffee with a quiet smile . Not a smug smile , just a sort of , maybe next year kiddo , don 't give up smile . Then we fade out waiting together , shaking presents , eating sugary crumb - buns from the local bakery , until around ten or eleven when my uncle finally came out of his room in their house , bleary - eyed and hung - over , and Christmas day could begin . Then I fade in on the Christmas morning when things changed . As always , I hopped out of bed in my pajamas , the whole family still asleep , and went racing out into the living room . There , for the first time , all the lights were off ; pre - dawn darkness ruled with equal indifference outside and in . I learned something then in that dark room about getting what you want . Unsure of what to do , I sat down in her seat at the table and crossed my legs like a grown - up . What I know now is that Alice was still in bed because she had a malignant tumor growing inside of her . She refused to admit it , never went to a doctor , and by next Christmas she was dead . That same year both our golden retriever and our german shepherd had to be put down , and Grandpa checked out almost 6 months to the day after Grandma shocked us all and disappeared forever . I fade back in later that year walking into my mom 's room and finding her crying . She told me our cat was missing . I said , well heck , let 's get some fliers together , go paper the neighborhood , get off our butts and go find Tigger ! She said oh , dear , no . I sat down next to her , she put her arm around me , and she explained that Tigger wasn 't really missing . She was old . Cats sometimes have a way of going off alone to lie down with dignity . I think we both cried , or maybe just she did . The last time I know I cried , for sure , was at Alice Clark 's funeral . I must 've been 10 years old . The next year I started having panic attacks during health class and passing out in the coat room . There 's so much to feel , and taste , and smell , and do , all at once , it 's overwhelming . Life is difficult for everyone , everywhere , and existence on this planet can get way , way worse than death . But right now it 's here , just here , and in this moment it 's all sort of okay . You 're here , I 'm here ; just stop for a minute and be here with me . Notice all the little things hidden in this silence . There 's so god damn much to experience before the darkness comes back for us . Taste every flavor of ice cream , feel every emotion , laugh at the sheer absurd unlikelihood of any of this . Laugh just to hear the sound . Then let it go . You gotta let it go . Fade in , fade out . We had only been in Tanzania for about a month . After her two - week , bare - bones project orientation in Dar es Salaam , we were driven down south and dropped in this village and left there to struggle . More often than not in those early days , we simply failed . Food , water , language , electricity , everything . It was wild , lurching back and forth across the delirious line between adventure and nightmare . Now , we 've only been here a month , but it 's about to be her birthday . I 'm trying to get her this expensive jade ring to replace the one that broke , the one I got her when we first met . Problem is , I have to contact an old friend in Taiwan - who I haven 't kept in touch with - and have it bought at the jade market and mailed to me . The birthday arrives , and no ring , and I 'm at a loss . Everything here is crazy and difficult and completely overwhelming me . Everything . I spend the morning making a card on white paper with pencil while she 's at work , then cook a couple scrambled - egg - on - white - bread sandwiches , in a beaten - metal wok over a little portable gas range , on the floor of the empty kitchen , in our decrepit , furniture - less house . It 's not much and I know it . I start to walk to meet her , to have a picnic outside her building , but she 's already walking home and doesn 't want to go back . My lone plan is shot . So we go back to our crumbling house , eat the sandwiches and have a fight . I give her the card , mid - fight , and it 's whatever and forgotten . The whole thing is pretty indescribably awful ; we both feel wronged , and angry , and everything is terrible . Fast forward a year and a half . Much has happened . I went home and came back , a second time , to go on safari with her parents . We 're on Zanzibar fighting like cats in a bag , because that 's the obvious outcome for two co - dependent addicts living in isolation together . Drinking all day and all night , ending each night with a fight , but still sometimes curled up in each other , still sometimes sweet ; still kissing , still fucking . I now have the jade ring with me . My friend in Taiwan finally came through and it just showed up one day , a year later , at my parents ' house . I give it to her and in surprise she tells me she thought , way back then on her birthday , that I was going to propose . She thought I was going to propose , and then because of that fight , I just put the ring back in my pocket . She carried that inside her ! She thought that in silence for a year ! May 9 , 2016 1 kasyapa and the flower sermon " Alright , I 'll tell you one . Just one , then you 've gotta go to sleep . Your mom 's already going to kill me for letting you stay up this late . Deal ? " " I 'll tell it to you as it was told to me , but forgive me if the details aren 't perfect , this old brain has seen better days . You remember Siddhartha ? From last time ? " " Yeah , that guy . Well , he had been on the road a long time now , and a group of people had taken to following him . Each morning at dawn these folks who had abandoned their lives gathered to hear Siddhartha talk . The talks weren 't religious , not in any organized sense , he was just thinking out loud , trying to figure out how to live . One of these followers was a young man named Kasyapa . He was new to all of this , Kasyapa . He struggled with the teachings , and the others made fun of him for his difficulties . But still each morning he came and sat before Siddhartha and tried to understand . One morning the people gathered as usual , but instead of speaking , Siddhartha held up a white flower . His students waited patiently for him to begin . Minutes passed . Then hours . Soon it was noon , and still Siddhartha simply sat in silence with the flower . One by one the people , shaking their heads , some in confusion , some in disgust , rose and went about their daily chores . There was still much to be done in a camp in those days , even for poor wanderers . So they drifted away , until only Kasyapa was left , sitting alone before the portly sage . He stared and he stared , this boy , with his brow scrunched , and his tongue peeking from the corner of his mouth . He tried with all his power but nothing changed , nothing became clear . He let go a long breath , closed his eyes , and bowed his head . He had work to do . Before he got to his feet , however , he raised his eyes and looked one last time upon the flower . This time , in that wordless silence that stretched on forever , he looked and he saw - and he smiled . When he looked up grinning at Siddhartha , the Buddha was smiling too . " March 19 , 2016 0 In Which Everything Happens Again , This Time at Chili 's The man sat very still in the passenger seat , thinking on the sorry sequence of events that had led him here . As rain pattered against the roof of the car , he felt a sort of removal from the whole thing , like watching an old re - run . Inside the Chili 's , the work party rolled on without them . The little blonde in the driver 's seat continued to sob , and the Brian Jonestown Massacre continued over her speakers : " Hey now , " he reached out a hesitant hand and placed it on her shoulder . " Come on now . " She undid her seat belt and laid her head in his lap . Hm , he thought . Not ideal . " Shouldn 't we go inside ? The crying shuddered slowly to a stop . She sniffled , then said something muffled into his crotch . " What ? " he asked . There was a long silence down there , and some more sniffling and inaudible mumbling . That would be quite a thing to explain if anybody asked , that raccoon face of wet across his front . Finally it came , in a tiny mouse voice , just barely audible over the music , " I miss him . " She sat up and smeared a hand across her face , wiping equal parts make - up and snot , before reaching again for the bottle . He 'd already said his piece about the bottle , there was nothing more to add . She took a pull , used the back of her hand at the corner of each eye , then leaned against the window . " Listen , " he said , " I get it , trust me , I really do . But this is terrible . You need to either let me drive you home , or go inside . " She rolled her eyes and groaned . " Look , if you go in there and get what you want , it 'll happen immediately . If you don 't , and you 're brave enough to see it , you 'll know that immediately as well . " He reached across and pulled the handle of her car door . " Well ? " he asked , as the door swung open . " Either I 'm driving , or you 're going inside . Gotta get out , one way or the other . " She looked her chin down into her chest , then tilted her face to the side , then slowly up to look at him . Her blue eyes , bleary with crying and drink , ringed with smeared mascara , half hidden behind the strands of blonde fringe , were surprisingly lucid . " Alright . " She screwed the lid on the bottle , tucked it under her seat , and dabbed at her makeup in the rear - view mirror . " Alright , " she said again . Then she took a deep breath . He watched her walk across the parking lot , more poised on those black heels than he would have expected . She stopped before the door , tossed her hair over her shoulder , and looked back at the car . His heart hurt a little in his chest . Good luck , he mouthed , knowing she couldn 't see him . She went inside . He got into the driver 's seat and turned up the music : And there she was again . The door slammed shut behind her , and she went fishing under his seat for the bottle . " You were right , " she said , " I could tell . " She took a long , gulping drink . " Let 's go . " He pulled out of the parking lot . " Which way is home ? " he asked . She pointed . After a while they left the street lights behind , and the country road began meandering through alternating vistas of darkened forest , then corn fields , then forest again . " There , " she said , as they entered another break in the trees . He pulled up in front of a little one - story house with an over - grown lawn and some rusted junk out back . The kind of house that looks like a trailer , but with a cement foundation . Lights were on inside . " I 'll take your car back to mine and leave it there . You can get a ride in tomorrow ? " She nodded . " You mind if I talk for a minute ? " She shook her head . " What you 're feeling ? That sensation in your gut , like it 's about to split you open and spill out your intestines ? I don 't know what it is , specifically , but it 's not love . Not really . It 's rejection , and it 's fear , and it 's self - loathing , and it 's loneliness , and more than anything it 's the loss of a savior . But that pain isn 't love , and there are no saviors . You have to save yourself . " She looked at him for a long moment , those blood - shot eyes - rimmed by mascara , half - hidden by the fringe - older than they seemed . " You 're wrong , " she said , " And what 's more , you 're kind of an asshole . But thanks , I guess , for trying . " She got out and let the door click shut behind her . He sat there parked by the road , listening , rubbing a hand over the stubble on his chin . Rain drummed softly against the roof , and in the distance lightning lit the sky . As he counted seconds and waited for the thunder , he suddenly felt very alone . March 16 , 2016 0 the cure He pulled his little skiff up on the shore and shipped the oars . It was a small island like all the others , but in the middle there was a little forest . He walked up from the beach and found himself in a beautiful grotto . Soft , filtered sunlight trickled through the leaves and a brook gurgled crisp and clear beneath his feet . In the middle of the clearing there was a large rock , and seated cross - legged upon this rock was a wrinkled old man . " Yes , " the old man said , " there 's one over there . " He followed the man 's gaze and indeed , there was a sleek green peacock drinking from the stream across the clearing . He strode over to the creature and gripped it by the head . " Don 't do it , " the old man offered . He looked at the man , then the bird , which was now looking at him . Then the man again , then the bird . He took out his knife . " I 'm telling you , " the old man offered again , " don 't do it . " He cut its throat . The peacock gurgled and went slack beneath his hand . He pulled its slit neck to his mouth and drank as much of the gushing blood as he could , pausing for breaths . Then he stopped and looked at the old man . He was covered in blood . " I … don 't actually know . " He hazarded a quick glance at the dead bird . His mouth went flat and he let go a little sigh . " This is a dream , isn 't it . " " No , to be honest , I 'm very confused . All of this is very confusing . What 's wrong with me ? Why do I need a cure ? Why did I think it was blood ? " He woke up and there she was . He watched her chest rise and fall evenly in her sleep . Outside their little house , the rising winds of a great storm blew trash across the yard . He eased himself out of bed and looked down at her . He saw her then as he had first seen her all those years ago , laughing , dancing , smiling - smiling at him . Choosing him . He should never have killed that bird . Somewhere inside him a crack split his ball of anger . First one , then many , until spidering in all directions they covered the whole hardened mass . Then it broke . He laid his anger down in pieces and in its place found only sadness - she was his best friend . He reached down and brushed the hair from her eyes . Outside it began to pour . Who was he ? What was wrong with him ? He didn 't know . There was work to be done , and he resolved to do it in kindness . He stepped out into the storm . As he walked , lightning struck the ground all around him . Trees ripped from the earth and went flying . He was terrified . He stopped and looked back at the house . He was absolutely terrified . July 11 , 2015 0 In a Perfect World In the darkness at the top of the world is a cave . Inside this cave , beneath the billowing snow , a series of spidering corridors slope miles down into the earth . Follow them down , avoiding the dead ends and hidden gaps that drop off into sudden bottomless darkness , and you arrive in a huge vaulted chamber . A long line of hewn steps lead upwards to the far wall . There , in frozen silence , lies something entombed in the ice . Something long dormant . As you watch , it opens its eyes . Franklin awoke in a sweat . He shook his head , rubbed his face , and went to take a shower . Soon he was seated in a coffee shop with a large mug , an open notebook , and a pencil in his hand . His mouth had bunched at one corner and his tongue peeked out as he worked . " That 's not bad . What is it ? " Franklin looked up and found the owner of the voice . She wore glasses , had pale white skin and long red hair . She was pretty , but what attracted his attention were her eyes . Curious and alert and green as salad leaves . " It 's a face from a dream I keep having . " He showed her the notepad . There was a sunken , skeletal face on the page , done in pencil . She studied it for a moment , tugging at her hair . " Because that 's how it is . " There was a pause . " I like your eyes , they 're like salad greens . " She looked at him for a minute , weighing that comment . Finally she stuck out her hand . There was blood in the cave . In the chamber below , where once had been sheer wall , now was a cracked and empty fissure . On the floor of the cave lay a fox . Crouched over it sat the creature , looking up , squinting . The animal whimpered , and the creature bent back to its ripping . Blood dripped from the fox and ran to collect in a pool on the floor . Outside the cave , great drifts of snow shifted and fell . Outside the cave , the wind sounded like screaming . " I thought I might find you here . " Franklin looked up from his seat at the coffee shop and saw Abigail . " Still drawing ? " He looked down at the pad . She took a seat and pulled the notebook from his hands . He let it go without protest . Flipping through the pages , her eyes narrowed . " You 're obsessed . This isn 't healthy . " She thought about that for a while . " You know , I don 't know . I always wanted to be rich . Being rich means I don 't have to do anything . I guess that 's it , I would do nothing . " She laughed . " What about you ? " " Some people say Hitler was great . Not good , you know , but when you look at what he did , all the people he killed , all that power . Great . " The creature was working . Bones littered the floor of the cave , and a layer of frozen blood lay black on the ground like a carpet . The creature sat on its haunches , fashioning something of the bones , binding them together with strips of sinew and tendon . As each segment was completed it was jointed to the others . In the endless night that was this place , something began to take form in the darkness . " Put that down , I want to show you something . " Franklin closed his notebook and stood up . Abigail took his hand and led him from the coffee shop . They walked a few blocks in silence , hand in hand . Then Abigail stopped . " There . " Franklin followed her gaze and saw the pillared facade of a famous hotel . He gave her a quizzical look . " Inside , " she said . She tugged him in through the swinging doors . The lobby was massive , with marble floors and a large fountain in the middle . She pulled him through and past the fountain , and there before them was a grand piano . " They let me play sometimes , when nobody is using it . " She let go his hand and went and sat on the bench . Holding her hands up before her , she wiggled her fingers . " Ready ? " " Ready , " Franklin said . She closed her eyes and began to play . It was beautiful . She played like one born to it , effortlessly , years of practice dissolving before his eyes . Time slowed and distorted , he had no idea how long she played for . When it was over a warm sadness washed over him . " That was beautiful , Abigail . " The creature sat a throne of bones . The storm outside howled and lightning lit the sky . Tremors rocked the earth as the ground rent and buckled underfoot . Its skeletal jaws cracked open impossibly wide , and a churning inky darkness came flowing from its mouth . The darkness filled the cave , teetered for a moment , then rolled squirming over the edge . As the wind screamed and raged , it poured out into the world . May 4 , 2015 0 Over Hill and Autumn Hollow ( Through the Lands of Men ) Once there were two bears in a part of the world where man had not yet come . Bears are scarce and lonely creatures , but somehow these two found each other . They shared a cave and the boy bear slept with his head on the girl bear 's flank . Outside there gurgled a cold stream , full of fish . In the meadow there were berries and down the mountain there was honey . They were happy . Then man arrived . First in great trucks they came to clear the trees . Then in smaller machines to lay smooth black paths through the forest . Then in station wagons with wives and children . They came and they stayed . In time the birds fled , the smaller animals disappeared and the forest grew quiet but for the sounds of the great machines . The bears , for the most part , took no notice . They fished and foraged and the boy bear slept against the girl bear 's flank as before . Then one day the boy bear was pulling fish from a stream and he stopped and raised his snout . There was a scent . He turned and saw them . Two men , wearing red and black flannel , stood watching him . They carried shaped sticks . In that soundless quiet they stood , looking at each other , for what seemed a long time . Then one of the men raised his stick and it barked . There was a flash of light and the boy bear felt something sharp bite him in the shoulder . He roared . He charged . The fury was on him and the world dimmed to one fast - approaching face . He destroyed it . He took the head . When the red mists cleared the other man was gone and he stood looking down at the gory mess . Then he went home , laid his head against the girl bear 's flank and he slept . The next day they were fishing their stream together when the net came down . The boy bear was trapped and the fibrous ropes defied the rending of his claws . The girl bear , panicked , tried to bite through his bonds . Many shaped sticks barked at once and she reared up in pain . The sticks barked again and swarming with burning bites she turned and ran . She retreated to a safe distance where she watched the men drag the boy bear away . That night she slept alone on the stone floor of their cave . Her bites itched and her bare flank was cold . The boy bear awoke in a large enclosure . There was grass and there were trees and a man came each day to feed him dead fish from a bucket . He passed many days here . It wasn 't terrible , but neither was it good . The days here felt unnatural , he missed the girl bear and he missed the freedom of the forest . One day he looked at the outer wall of the enclosure and really saw it for the first time . All day he sat looking at it . When night fell he scaled a tree and leapt to the top of the wall . His claws scrabbled on the hard surface , then found purchase . He hung there , an odd sight , then slowly pulled his bulk up and over . He landed on the other side in some sort of nightmare . Everywhere and everything was the smooth hardness that man had brought to the forest . He snuffled along , looking for a scent , not of the enclosure and not of man . He found it and followed it to a large , hard box . There was a glinting in one of the holes in the box and he pushed his snout up against it and peered inside . There was a man , sitting in a chair , rocking back and forth with an animal by his side . The man saw him and both paused . Then the man reached for something . The bear watched , confused , as the man raised the shaped stick and it barked . The clear thing covering the opening shattered and he felt the bite . This time it was his eye . He roared in pain and confusion and lurched backwards from the box . Sounds of yelling and commotion came from within as he stumbled down the street , trailing blood from his useless socket . Lights came on , first yellow in unreal day , then blue and white . He was surrounded by these lights and they blinded him . He lurched drunkenly side to side , but everywhere he turned there were lights . He heard the voices of men and the barking of sticks . His side lit up in pain . He ran . He crashed through the line of men and the first face he saw was a little one . He roared and took the head . Sticks barked and he lurched up and forward again . The sounds of machines filled his ears and the flashing lights were in his eye . Overhead , a whirring sound preceded the coming of another machine , a flying machine . This too barked , a terrible rapid barking , and pieces of the smoothness around him erupted in flying chunks . He charged around a corner and there was the forest . He thought of the cave , the cold stream outside full of fish . He thought of the meadow , the tall grass and the honey . He thought of the girl bear and her warm flank . He was suddenly very tired . These pictures flicked one after another through his brain as he gripped the smoothness and pulled for the tree - line . He made it about halfway . Then an awful roaring supplanted the earth and everything went black all at once . After much debate , they took the boy bear , scarred and missing an eye , way , way up into the Northern woods . A different woods , a far woods . They took him there , where man had not yet come , and they left his body in a clearing where the song - birds still lived , and where small animals came up to nuzzle him . In time , he awakened . He dragged himself downhill , found a stream and ate some fish . He crawled back uphill , found a cave and slept in it . The leaves were auburn and gold and a damp chill hung in the air . In the morning he pulled his battered body to the lip of the cave and looked south . The girl bear didn 't know what to do . The autumn days passed and she did her best to avoid the encroachments of man . Sometimes she caught their scent or heard their machines and always she hid or moved on . Each night she slept her flank was cold and each morning she rose to an empty cave . She caught fish , ate berries and honey , and grew full for the coming winter . With a heavy heart , as the first snows drifted down to re - paint the worlds of bear and man alike , she went to sleep . When she awoke months later there was a familiar weight against her flank . She placed a hand on his head and brushed the fur from his tattered eye . He nuzzled against her as outside the cave the song - birds sang their returning . She smiled and let him sleep . It was spring . April 24 , 2015 0 faeries The man was sitting on the bridge looking down at the water when he saw the faery . It was a little white ball , almost fuzzy , drifting up towards him . It rose until it was on a level with him and then it stopped . " What are you doing ? " It asked . He looked down at the paper in his hands . " It 's all over . " The ball of light transcribed a little circle in the air , there was some kind of emotion in the maneuver but he couldn 't tell what it was . The man looked down at the water and sighed . " No , I 'm not going to do it . But I 'm tired , of this , and everything . I 'm sick of feeling this way . " " I can free you from that body . You can be like me . " The ball transcribed another circle in the air . The man thought the emotion might be excitement . He thought about it for a while , the two of them sitting there in silence . His stomach ached and his chest was tight . He thought about walking home , about his apartment , about going home and being alone . He looked up at the ball . It was hanging suspended in the air , light and ethereal and free . " Just close your eyes . Relax . Let me inside and I 'll do the rest . " The man closed his eyes and felt the brightness of the ball coming closer . He took in a long deep breath and let it go slowly . The light beyond his eyes grew and grew until it no longer felt like it was outside his eyelids . Somewhere deep inside him a connecting piece of something snapped . Then another . Then another . In rapid succession restraints he had never known severed and whipped away from a part of himself he had never recognized as his center . Then it was done . The light faded and he found himself floating next to the ball , looking at his body . The head and shoulders lay slumped forward over the paunch and the mouth hung open , slack and gaping . He was free . A young couple holding hands came strolling along the bridge . " What color am I ? " He asked the ball of white light . He tried moving and found it effortless . He floated over to the young couple . " Hey there , " he said . They stopped and turned to the water . Looking right through him , they spoke in murmurs to each other . " Hey , " he said again . He couldn 't seem to make out what they were saying . The words didn 't separate or form up together for some reason . " They can 't hear you . " The ball of white light was at his side . " Only the really desperate can see us . It takes a certain confluence of time and place and person . That 's why I was so excited to find you . " The ball of white light transcribed another circle , then rocketed suddenly upwards . He made a little circle of his own , then fired off after it . The two lights blazed up into the night , into the low cloud cover , on through the glowing moonlit vapor , then burst forth into the airy ether of the atmosphere far above the world , shining purple and white . The stars winked in brilliance and the moon bathed the cloudy floor below them in light . He was free . He tried to laugh but realized he had no voice . He tried to smile but no longer had a mouth . Instead he made a circle . It wasn 't as good . The ball of white light dropped away . He looked down and watched it for a second , racing back towards the earth , then he turned to follow . Back down into the clouds , then through , then out into the low night and on towards the bridge . He tried to catch up but wasn 't fast enough . It got there first . He floated before himself , trying to think , trying to take it all back . He tried to get inside but couldn 't . He tried to yell but couldn 't . He made a circle . His body sat there , inert , slouched over itself . He made a circle . There was a flash of white light in the eyes , then they blinked and the head came up . His face looked right through him . He made a circle . It crumpled up the paper and threw it off the bridge . Then it lumbered to its feet and walked away . The panic faded as he followed it wandering at random through the city , touching things , licking its fingers . More than once it stopped for no reason and began to laugh . Eventually he gave it up . Anyways he knew where it lived . Instead he drifted back to the bridge and settled in to watch the young couple . They looked like they were fighting . There would be others , he thought . This would be fine . April 12 , 2015 0 monsters A single hanging bulb illuminates the center of the room , where a man stands in the small circle of light . Eyes wide and breathing shallow , he studies the darkness beyond his vision . Spinning slowly , warily , he searches for movement in the shadows . The camera begins a slow pan out . It looks down on the vacant adjoining rooms . Then the whole deserted asylum . Then the un - worked fields surrounding it . Picking up speed it looks down on a deserted city . Still gaining speed it takes in an entire empty continent . Now it has reached the edge of the atmosphere and stares down at a dark planet . Growing exponentially faster it reaches the edge of a lightless solar system . As it reaches the limit of an empty galaxy , the man looks upwards after the tiny receding dot of light . When it reaches the end of existence , there is a moment of stillness . Then the hanging bulb winks out . I take out a cigarette , light it and exhale . Christ , what a question . I 'm the latest success story in a long line of champion - caliber sperm . An improbable moralizing animal on the crust of a flying rock . A single speck of matter in an empty and expanding universe . I 'm being shitty and I know it . She looks perplexed by my silence . " You know , like , what do you do ? " She asks , rephrasing the question . She seems genuinely curious . She hasn 't touched her martini . April 6 , 2015 1 My Dear Friend , Take Heart I recall an autumn morning in a small town where the leaves were changing . The weather was growing colder , but winter had not yet arrived , and the world had a brisk crispness to it . I sat outside in the cold sun and drank a cup of coffee . You were there with me and had a cup of your own . We sat together and sipped our steaming drinks . It was nice , I still remember it . You will tell me , of course , that I remember this wrong , and perhaps that 's so . But I prefer my version to yours , so that 's how I 'll choose to keep it . Memories , after a point , become choice . This is one of the beautiful things in life . We are sparks , mere flashes on the scales on which we exist , scales so vast and so tiny we cannot comprehend them . Yet in that flash , we are everything . For that speck of time , our lives become existence and we ourselves something fantastic . On that autumn morning I described to you a huge , placid lake . I said then that for the vast majority of existence we are simply the atoms composing the water of this lake . And in that , as a part of this magnificent whole , we are beautiful , though we lack the capacity to realize it . Then something happens . For some unknown reason , by some phantom hand , we are pushed upwards . And as we rise , we coalesce , we take shape . As we near the surface , a face appears , eyes open . Then suddenly we break the plane , burst forth and open our mouths . We gasp , one giant frightful gasp of air , and our wide eyes are granted sight . We see the lake beneath us , we see the sky above us , we see life around us . Finally , we look down and see ourselves , separated somehow from the universe . And it is beautiful , beautiful , beautiful . But things change . We begin to thrash about , claw at the water , try to propel ourselves beyond the surface of the lake . We lean on other gasping faces , shove them back down , attempt to fly . But water cannot fly . The momentum from our push thrusts us out , our heads , however briefly , crest above the surface . Then the arc continues , our momentum fails , and we slip back down . We return to how it always was , how it always will be . When we return to the water we lack even the capacity to lament what we 've lost . There is comfort in this . We go home . And we sat and drank our coffee , on that cold autumn morning , and we spoke of this . And on that day we first heard the news , of the rise of the end , though you of course will dispute the timing of the announcement . But I prefer to remember it this way . We finished our coffee and our talk , then we heard . Memory , after a point , becomes choice , and I shall exercise mine with a smile , for as long as I am able . So goodbye my friend . I regret nothing and neither should you , for we have been luckier than we could possibly have hoped for . Luckier than the moon , the sun , and the stars . Please , don 't be sad . Though we won 't know it , we will soon be home . April 2 , 2015 2 Pilot I should never have come , I knew that now . Peter wiped his mouth and broke the silence . " Start - up costs , that 's where they kill you . " " You think you 've got this golden idea , and you 're not wrong . But then you realize what it takes to get it off the ground . The loan , the building , permits , everything . " " It 's just a plane taking off . " He gestured . " There 's so many it makes your head spin . Most people you meet are dead in the water and don 't even know it . " I could see the water in my glass vibrating . I sighed . " I dunno , Pete . Seems like you have to take the risk , these things never happen on their own . I mean look , you 're paying for this meal . " " Sure , " he reflected , inspecting the end of his tie . " But I 'm different , I 'm a predator . I kill to eat . " I don 't know . " I didn 't want to say that . I didn 't want to be here at all . I looked down and watched my water shiver in its glass . He was wrong of course , I understood that much . Planes have pilots ; planes take off . The earth shook and the windows rattled in their frames . I could feel it . It was coming straight towards me . March 22 , 2015 0 The World is Going to Eat You Up The sun came in through the blinds , causing him to stir . " A . C . wake up . " He groaned and shifted his weight . " C ' mon , wake up . " Little hands pushed at him . He opened his eyes and looked at the boy sitting on his bed . He wore a fluffy , oversized robe and a serious expression . A . C . waved a vague hand in his direction . " Yeah , Luke , I know . I 'm up . Just give me a minute . " The boy nodded , climbed down off the bed and went downstairs . A . C . took his time putting on sweatpants and a t - shirt , then followed him down , yawning and scratching his belly . Luke sat at the table eating cereal from a big bowl with a big spoon , gripping it near the middle . A . C . sat down heavily . A puppy came bounding from the other room and leapt into his lap . He rubbed its belly and scratched behind its ears . " Hey buddy , " he said to the dog , then looked up to include Luke . " Can you be ready in ten ? We 're late . " " Yep . " Luke stood and went to the kitchen . A . C . heard the clatter of dishes and running water . " Hey A . C . , " the little voice came from the kitchen , " when are you going back to work ? " Leaning back , A . C . closed his eyes , scratched the dog 's ears and let go a long breath . " I don 't know . " The water stopped and Luke came to stand in the doorway , a dishtowel over his shoulder . He cocked his head and looked at A . C , but didn 't say anything . Then he went back to the kitchen and started making a sandwich for lunch . An hour later , the old station wagon pulled to a stop before the school . " I 'll be back at three , make it your bee 's wax to be here , kiddo . " Luke didn 't say anything for a minute , just gave him a long , serious look . Then he leaned over and kissed his cheek . A . C . watched him run off , backpack bouncing and lunchbox swinging at his side . That look bothered him . He put the car in gear and pulled out of the parking lot . A . C . sat at the picnic table on the lawn outside the house . The puppy ran past , chasing a blowing leaf . He peered up at the cloudless winter sky and shivered . When he looked down a centipede was crawling along the surface of the table . He resisted the urge to move his hand , instead letting it walk up to his fingers . It poked at him with its antennae for a moment , then crawled upwards . He felt the strange sensation of its legs on his skin . It wasn 't so bad , he thought . It started crawling up his palm , but as it neared the cuff of his shirt he jerked his arm and shook it off . Around two thirty he went to pick up Luke . By the time they got home it was dark . A . C . carried two big boxes into the house , while at his side Luke struggled along with a third . They set them down heavily and stood , panting and looking at each other . The dog came running up and sniffed at the cardboard . " Scat , buster . " " OK . " The gas stove flamed to life and A . C . heard the sound of running water , then a clank as Luke set a pot on the burner . He mixed a drink and sat on the sofa , his feet up on one of the boxes . They were dusty , it looked like they 'd been in storage for some time . He sat and sipped his drink , gazing vacantly out the window as Luke boiled macaroni . It was snowing , he noticed . They ate quietly at the table , Luke sipping his milk , A . C . his drink . " This is delicious , kiddo , thank you , " he said through a mouthful . Luke looked up , but didn 't say anything . After dinner they did the dishes together , then went and sat on the floor next to the boxes . Luke took a binder out of his backpack and opened it over the top of a box . He worked on his math homework as A . C . watched the ice melt in his drink . When it was gone he made another . Then another . Luke carried on doing math problems while outside the snow fell in silence . Everything was still . The phone rang and A . C . picked it up . " Hello ? " He was quiet for a while , listening . " No , we haven 't seen anything . Yes , I 'm sure . Alright , I 'll keep an eye out . " He hung up and turned to Luke . " That was the sheriff . Says he 's been getting some strange calls recently about an animal . Thinks it 's probably just a coyote , but wanted to let us know . " " Me neither . " They checked the bedroom , the closets , under the sink . It was a small house , and the dog wasn 't in it . " I think so , didn 't I ? " They went to check , and found the door unlatched . A chill wind was blowing in through the crack . A . C . pushed the door open and the light from the kitchen illuminated a small patch of snow - covered ground . They both looked out at the darkness as the snow continued to fall . Luke shivered . " It 's okay , kiddo , you were helping me carry boxes . Go finish your homework , I 'm sure Edgar will turn up . " Luke looked at him , but didn 't say anything . When he finished his math homework Luke got up and brushed his teeth . Then he took a bath . A . C . listened to him splashing around , then heard him drain the tub , dry himself and get into bed . He got up and went into the bedroom to turn off the light . As he was about to close the door he heard Luke 's little voice . " A . C ? " Luke 's eyes were closed as A . C . stepped quietly into the hall and closed the door . He went back to the living room , mixed another drink , and sat down with his feet on a box . The snow fell unrelenting outside the window . He sipped his drink and watched it until his eyes grew heavy and he drifted off to sleep . In the middle of the night he opened his eyes . The house was dark and cold and still , but he had the uneasy feeling something had woken him . There it was - a faint growling coming from outside . Then a yelp . Then silence . He rose slowly to his feet , rubbed the sleep from his eyes , and went to check . When he opened the door he stopped . In the darkness near the edge of the light was his dog . Edgar was lying in a pool of blood , his stomach ripped open , one leg twitching . A . C . stepped out and gathered the little body in his arms . Gazing all around him he saw nothing , only falling snow . He took him back inside , locked the door and threw the bolt . In the hopes of sparing Luke , he wrapped the corpse in an old towel and hid it under the sink . He took the bottle of vodka with him into the living room . He took the top off one of the boxes and sat for a long time looking at pictures . An elderly couple , smiling . A young woman , beautiful , her arms wrapped around a young him . He pulled out a CD and blew off the dust . When he got up and put it on the guitar came to him , haunting , laden with old feeling . What was the name of this song ? He unscrewed the vodka , sank back into the cushions and took a long drink . Then another . He couldn 't remember . He knew it was in his brain somewhere , but he couldn 't think of it . It wouldn 't come . For some reason this made him want to cry . Rising on unsteady legs , he walked to the bedroom . When he opened the door Luke was awake , watching him with his serious little eyes . Leaning sloppily against the doorframe , he spoke : " Luke , little Luke . The world is going to eat you up . " " Well good . Move over . " Luke slid over and A . C . got in beside him . " Don 't worry , " he murmured , " it 's going to eat me first . " Luke didn 't say anything , just reached out a hand and placed it flat on A . C . 's chest . He felt the heart beat slow beneath his palm . A . C . didn 't say anything , just took a long drink and set the bottle by the bed . Eventually they both fell asleep . Outside , in the darkness and snow , something sat watching the house . It licked its lips . March 14 , 2015 0 Spring Animals I was bumming around with Em , years ago , sitting on a bench at a little park . It was autumn and cold and there were no kids around . We were just sitting there without talking , there was nothing more to say . Over her shoulder I saw a little playground with some plastic animals set on springs . I got up and walked over there and she followed me . We both took an animal and started rocking back and forth . Hers was a dragon . Mine was a sea horse . We sat there side by side , rocking gently back and forth . I tried to reach out and touch her , but she bent sideways on her spring , so I stopped . A breeze blew some dry leaves off the trees and they settled on the ground around us . I was looking at them when I saw the kid . He was standing by the swings , one arm looped around the pole , just looking at us . Well , he wasn 't looking at us exactly , he was looking at our animals . " Yeah dude , knock yourself out . " He came walking up to my sea horse and put a hand on its curved plastic tail . I stepped off with one leg , but my pants caught in the spring . The horse pulled forward with me as I tugged . When I yanked it free the horse jumped up . She was right , something was wrong . I went over , crouched down and looked at him lying there . The fingers of one hand were clenching and unclenching , like an insect without its head . I looked at his little ribs . " He 's breathing . " " Why did you do that ? " She asked again . She wasn 't looking at the kid anymore , she was looking at me . I wasn 't going to answer a question like that . It was cold and the dying leaves rustled on their branches . Another one broke and came drifting down . March 10 , 2015 0 Give Me Everything I was tired of everything and I think she was too . We were sitting on a park bench drinking , sometime in the late afternoon . My old nemesis the sun was still too bright but fading . She handed me the little pint bottle and I finished it . " It 's too bad you 're such a selfish bastard , " she said as she leaned back . Her heart wasn 't in it though . I looked down at the empty bottle then back at her and shrugged . " Sorry , I wasn 't thinking . You 're very beautiful , you know that ? " Her head was back against the bench and her eyes were closed . She barely moved . Just slow breaths . I left her there and went to the shop . When I got back she was asleep on the grass . I lay down next to her , opened the bottle and lit a cigarette . One arm behind my head , feet crossed on the grass , I listened to her breathing . The sun was setting and the sky was changing colors . Not too bad , I thought . Not too bad at all . March 1 , 2015 0 The Great Dragonfly Migration The dragonfly hovered , then settled on the snowy railing . He watched it sit and stretch its wings , graceful , full of dignity . It was night and dark and soft snowflakes fell in silence . It was a perfect little thing , he thought , this dragonfly . The deck shook under steps and a shadow fell across them both . " I said fuck you , Carver , you little bitch , why are you even here ? " He couldn 't remember what he had done . His whole body felt numb and he lifted his cup to his mouth . The shadow reached out and knocked the cup from his hand . It hit his lip on the way down and spilled beer all over his shirt . He stood there , dripping and rubbing his lip . " Well , get the fuck out of my house , how about that ? Stop drinking my beer , stop trying to talk to my girl , just get the fuck out of here . Why are you even here ? " Oh right , the girl . He wished he weren 't so drunk . There was another shadow behind the shadow , this one smaller , with long hair . " Hey . " He lifted a hand and sort of waved . The fist came quickly , but he was calm . He figured there were a number of ways this could go . It seemed strange that the punch hadn 't connected yet , so he ducked . It whistled over his head , but he had ducked so far down , he now found himself in a sort of awkward crouch . It was strange , he wanted to giggle . He was at shoe level now , and there were two right in front of him . They were slipping in the light dusting of snow , sliding away from him . As he rose up from his crouch he felt a great weight press down on his back , then it was gone . He heard a shout and a crash . Rubbing an eye , he turned to look over the railing and saw a fresh black hole in the bushes below the deck . There was much shaking down there and what sounded like crying . He sort of felt like crying himself . He left . As he walked through the crowded party nobody noticed his beer - soaked shirt , in fact nobody noticed him at all . He wondered about dragonflies . Did they migrate ? Hibernate ? He couldn 't remember ever seeing one in the winter before . They couldn 't all just die when it got cold , could they ? No , that was crazy , he thought , there must be some place they go . |
Well , today I finally figured out what was going on with the new Internet provider . I called them up again and got someone sensible on the line and she explained what was happening . It seems they have 3 systems and in one of their systems I showed up as having my application canceled and that was why the installation packet was not showing up , which consists of a new modem and a connection for the telephone . All will be resolved , it will just be a little bit later than I had planned . In the mail today came the official end of services letter from my old provider stating that their services may not end exactly on the date we had agreed on , so I 'm thinking maybe I will have their connection a few days longer , which would be good . So keep your fingers crossed on that one . Slowly by little , things are starting to make sense and I have to tell you that this whole thing has bothered me to no end , as I don 't do well with changes in my environment and especially not with changes that don 't go smoothly . All along I knew something was not right and I was worried sick about it . I think I was having a little nervous breakdown about it . I said as much to my SPN today and she agreed with me . I am not going to do anything remotely like this again for a long time . Everything that can stay put , is staying put . As you can see , I have a new keyboard brought to me by the magnificent Exfactor himself , who is now in the arms of his Paramount getting ready to ring in the New Year . Well , let them , I don 't wish them anything good . I am not that kind . The Exfactor had brought the Überhund an aluminum dish of wet food and the Überhund liked it very much . This was after I had tried to feed him his chunky , meaty food this morning , which he did not want for whatever reason . I tried to hand feed him , but he would have none of it . So , I gave him the wet food and he ate it in 2 minutes flat . After that , there was not a peep out of him for the rest of the day , so I went to the store and bought more of it . I gave him another dish of it tonight and hePosted by as i told you in my post last night , i am not using any capital letters because of my shift key and it also means that i type my posts in about half the time it usually takes me . please read that post to see how it all came to be and how i am and about my internet troubles . i was awakened this morning on the early side by the überhund who had to go outside urgently , meaning that all that food he ate yesterday had gone through his digestive system , which is good , because lately what he produced hadn 't amounted to much . so that was good news . i 'm happy to tell you that today i feel normal and awake and cheerful and that i am enjoying my coffee and my cigarettes as i usually do and that i do not feel down and tired and sleepy . so , whatever it was that hit me yesterday , is gone now and i am much relieved . it is possible for me to totally recall these feelings and the anxiety i felt with them , but i won 't bother and just leave them behind me . i think that a lot of the anxiety has to do with the internet troubles and if i can just get a different mindset about that , i will save myself a lot of wear and tear . i have always known that i have a low stress threshold and i must not forget that in a period like this . the exfactor is coming over with a new keyboard this morning , so i will be able to capitalize my letters again , although i like typing this way . he is going to help me when the installation packet arrives from the new internet provider and , although i do not like being dependent on him this way , i do know that i probably can 't do it on my own . it 's a double sided coin , or is it a double edged sword ? i 'm not sure which expression is appropriate here . well , i have been sitting here for 2o minutes now without writing anything down , just drinking my coffee and smoking my cigarettes . that ought to tell me something , don 't you think ? probably that i don 't have anything of interest to tell you . i am having a severe case of writer 's block . i need sweet william 's book about blog writing . i 'll hang up then . get myself ready toPosted by i am not going to bother capitalizing anything , because my shift key doesn 't work and i can use the other little shift key , but it is a terrible bother and slows me down something awful . besides , you are still capable of reading this , so i won 't worry about it too much . i think i figured out why the überhund was asking for treats all the time . i think he was just plain hungry , because he didn 't like his food and wasn 't getting enough nutrition . luckily , i had bought a new bag of dog food at the store the other day . it is the same brand as he always gets , but this time the chunks were bigger and meatier , and frankly , they looked more appetizing . so i opened that bag and poured some in his dish and started to hand feed him . he decided that he liked that very much and after a while he started eating on his own , until he had eaten about half of it . i then fed him the rest of it by hand again until everything was gone and i knew he would be full . he didn 't beg for food again until this evening , so i again poured some of the chunks into his dish and hand fed him until he was full . there are just 5 chunks left in the dish now and he is very content . i think he needs to learn to eat properly , as this always has been an issue with him . he has always been very picky about his food and never really liked anything , but he seems to like these chunks and especially when i hand feed them to him . i don 't mind encouraging him a little . i just want to make sure he is really full and it seems to work . this way i know he is getting some decent food into him . i seem to be doing better this evening than i was this morning , although it has been an off day . i have felt so down and tired and it is just now that i feel some of my energy returning . i did talk to my spn over the telephone and i will be in contact again with her tomorrow to let her know how i am then . neither one of us knows exactly why this has happened , so we will chalk it up to just one of those days that will hopefully not repeat itself . i am waiting for the installation paPosted by I am slowly waking up . It seems to be a long process this morning and I definitely need another mug of coffee shortly . At least I am sleeping through the night , even when I fall asleep on the sofa in the evening and make my way to bed in a half slumber sometime around midnight . Some common sense seems to be prevailing , because I woke up at 3 AM and had enough sense not to get up , but stay in bed and sleep some more . I do like it when I outwit myself and not give in to my primal urges . The Überhund has now eaten half of the food that was in his bowl and is again begging for treats and I am again ignoring him . He is quite put out about this and lays down at my feet waiting for the next opportunity to attack me with another begging round , but I will not give in . I will give him some fresh food in a while , but that is it . He understands perfectly well what I want from him and he will just have to cooperate . I wish we had never started this reward system and with my next dog I am not even going to have treats in the house . Sometimes I think I have the word ' sucker ' written all over my forehead . That cocker spaniel is too smart for his own good . Today I am actually seeing my SPN and my appointment is for two in the afternoon . It will be a nice break in an otherwise uneventful week . I am waiting to hear about the news about the new psychiatrist that will be taking over my case and if I am not mistaken , I should hear something about that today . I am very curious about who this person is going to be , as there are two possibilities , but I have heard good things about both people , although my preference goes to one of them . That is only grounded on something someone has personally told me . My SPN will still be my main therapist , so in the long run , it makes hardly any difference , although the feedback that she gets may be quite different than what she gets now , seeing as though these psychiatrists specialize in personality disorders . Time for another mug of coffee . Yesterday , I turned my keyboard upside down and shook it and aPosted by I just woke up from a nice long nap on the sofa and the Überhund thinks that this is a good opportunity to beg my attention for something good to eat in the form of a treat . I am undecided what to do now , because he hasn 't done anything to deserve it and he has a bowl full of food that he is ignoring . I think I need to be very strict and ignore him until he starts to eat from his bowl of food . He sure is laying it on thick , though . You 'd think I was a very cruel person for treating him so badly . I think he has been spoiled too often . For some reason , I thought I had an appointment with my SPN this afternoon and I got myself all ready to go and just before I left I checked my agenda again and saw that the appointment was tomorrow . So there I was , all gussied up with no place to go . Instead of that , I did the dishes and cleaned my computer desk . That was somewhat gratifying too . Luckily , I had no pressing problems on my mind that I absolutely needed to talk about and that could not wait . Since I am back on my original antipsychotic medication , I have been feeling so good , that I feel blessed every day that goes by without an incident . I feel so very lucky in knowing that I am taking the best medication there is for me and that it works so well . I will never take those little orange tablets for granted again . As if I ever did , really . Within the next two days I am changing Internet providers , but if things don 't go exactly according to plan , it is possible that I may be off line for a day or so . I hope this is not going to happen and I have been assured that it won 't , but you never know . So , if I 'm not here , you know where I am . In a frustrated place . I am feeling just the tiniest amount of stress about this , but I must remember not to worry about it , because it is only Internet after all , it is not a life support system , ha , ha . Well , that 's my little simple message for this evening . For the more riveting stuff , I refer you to this morning 's post . Have a good night . Ciao . . . The first thing I did was change the background back to black from the red I had gone to , because I didn 't want to be responsible for poor Maggie May 's migraines . Maggie is a most loyal reader , and very often my first commenter of the day , and I sure don 't want to make her life difficult for her . I hope this is easier on your eyes , Maggie . I woke up at 6 AM after I had gone to bed at 2 AM , but I had fallen asleep on the sofa during the evening while watching television . You know what that means , don 't you ? That means a major nap some time today , so I will make it to the end of the day in one piece mentally and physically . I woke up during a program in which very well meaning people laid the responsibility of all their problems in the hands of their God and believed that with the power of their believe , mountains would be moved and any sort of serious wrong in their lives would be righted . Even with my still sleepy mind , I was impressed with their naiveté and their lack of active self intervention . Serious short comings like that can really make an impression on you when you just wake up . I wonder at their God who is held responsible for so many accidents in the lives of people who were born with the capacity to reason and draw conclusions about their own and other people 's actions . I pity their God for having so much to answer for . Needless to say , it was a senseless and empty handed discussion in which nothing got resolved and nobody got a straight answer to their problems that would have been of practical nature . I think that everybody ended as confused as they entered the fray , with only promises of prayer and intervention at a later date . I would have insisted on some clearer language and some definite answers that I could have applied immediately . Oh , I see I am on one of my favorite subjects and that is the one of self will and self determination . I am such a great believer in those things . I believe so very much in the power of reason and had I been born in an earlier age , I would have chosen the renaissance Posted by I just woke up from a rather splendid nap on the sofa . I think was asleep for more than 2 hours and , believe me , I needed it , because suddenly , this afternoon , my mood started going to hell in a hand basket and I could think of two things to do , either take an extra pill , which I am not supposed to do , or go to sleep , which I am when faced with the devil , so that is what I did . I really thought I was going around the bend , but then I realized that I had gone to sleep very late the night before and that I had not exactly had my 8 hour beauty sleep and that maybe that was what the problem was . When in doubt about your state of mind , go to sleep and stay asleep long enough for the chemicals in your brain to normalize themselves again . This rapid cycling can be cut short very often by going to sleep and staying asleep for a long enough time . I was a woken by the Überhund who thought my nap had taken long enough and who wanted some action . I let him piddle and sniff around out back and gave him a treat for being a good dog while I slept . He is a faithful guard dog and does not budge from my side . I think he spends enough boring hours with me waiting for something to happen , although he does appreciate long naps himself . There had been one cat laying very heavily on top of me , moving up and down with each breath I took , no doubt being very comforted by that . Is it any wonder that there was an old wife 's tale saying that cats sucked the breath out of babies ' lungs ? Cats belonged to witches and old crones , after all . I am practically an old crone myself . If you don 't watch out , I will start brewing potions and teas and casting evil spells . And I have three cats . Toby 's chronic cold seems to have dissipated and he now no longer goes around sneezing and having runny eyes . It took awhile for it to pass , but he never did infect the other two cats . It never did interfere with his eating habits , although for a while he was very thirsty all the time . I made sure there was fresh water and milk , but things seem back to normal now . TPosted by It 's yet again another Sunday after all these holidays that we 've had that felt like Sundays . So , again the stores are closed , although the cafés are open and I would go hang out at Café Monopole on the heated terrace if it weren 't so darn cold and I would have to get there first . You see , I need darn good motivation to go downtown and a cup of cappuccino just isn 't enough in this weather . I would wish for the stores to be open and for me to have about a 100 euros to spend on frivolities . You know , leggings and necklaces and a new wallet or something like that . The thing is that I don 't need any of those things . It would be a pure waste of money . Since I am not of the well off financially , I 'll let that idea drop by the wayside and consider myself lucky that I was able to get new glasses for such a good deal yesterday . Things are so relative and what gives me joy are these very lucky and unexpected good turns like this . I 'm also glad that I can turn up the thermostat so precisely and have a toasty warm apartment . You must always count your very basic blessings first . All the food that is bad for me is gone now and I am down to food that is good for me , for which my expanding hips will be grateful . I had really made the month of December an eating party with too many things that had too many calories that I did not burn off and that translated themselves into a few extra kilos that I now need to get rid off . So , I am starting my resolutions before the New Year . I am not going to be eating rabbit food , but I will eat wholesomely and sensibly . You 'd think that with a gastric band it would be impossible to eat too much , but I had found ways to do it . I suppose this is going to be a lazy day , unless I deem it to be necessary to wash the windows or something , which would be a bad idea in this cold weather . Besides , who ever heard of major housework on a Sunday ? I am trying to decide if I still feel Christmassy enough to have the sparkly branches in the vase up on the dresser , because I am always in danger of poking my eyPosted by I just talked to my older sister . We talk on the phone a lot . We give each other lots of courage , each when we need it , sometimes one more than the other , lately she more than me , but that is okay , I gladly give her all the courage I can spare at this time of the year . It 's almost been a year since her husband died and it is tough for her to live through the holidays now and keep the business running in the present economic climate , so she calls me and we talk and hopefully it helps . I am glad she finds her trust in me and her peace of mind . She 's a tough broad who needs a listening ear . It 's been a good day . It 's been a cold day . Every time I took the Überhund out I shivered in the cold wind and , of course , he had to dawdle and sniff at interesting spots for a long time . He 's not done until he 's made his mark on them and even then he 'll go back and double check . I went grocery shopping int he morning and I was cold on my bike riding into the wind and my empty shopping bag was waving like a flag on a steamship . I bought enough food for the next couple of days , until it is New Years and I will have to make sure I have supplies to last for those days off . I bought Napoleons to have with our coffee for when the Exfactor came over , because I figured I wanted to make it a bit festive since I had not seen him in a while . He came over at about 1 : 30 PM and the Überhund was beside himself to see him , he wagged his whole rear end and squealed like a puppy . He has not forgotten who his first alpha male was , even though that is I right now . He acts like a little spoiled pup when the Exfactor is around as if he never gets any attention otherwise and is starved for treats and petting and all sorts of contact . I have to call him to order an tell him to calm down and behave and settle down . The Exfactor actually stayed for an hour and a half and we had a good visit and chatted up a storm . Both of us were very relaxed and could enjoy each other 's company . I think the fact that we both survived Christmas as well as we did was a big Posted by I managed to sleep until 7 : 30 AM again and I just finished my first mug of coffee . I woke up at 3 AM with the silly idea that I had to get up , but luckily I had enough good sense to go back to bed after I realized that I was drunk with sleep . I laid me down in bed and was departed to dreamland in the shortest amount of time , I think half a minute . Such a silly woman am I , to want to get up in the middle of the night to turn on the computer and read blogs . It 's a compulsion to want to be up in the coziest hours of the very early morning hours when nobody else is awake and to be active then . But it is a silly one , because I screw up my sleeping schedule and I have promised my SPN to try and do something about it . So , I am trying very hard to sleep through the night and to ignore the desire to get up when it is far to early to . Sometimes I am wide awake , though , and there isn 't an ounce of sleep left in me and I have to get up , because staying in bed is senseless . I think that has to do with having a mild case of anxiety about what is going on in my daytime life , such as anticipating Christmas on my own . Now that it is behind me , I can sleep much better again . The cats dragged home a big bone of something and the Überhund has laid claim to it . He has placed it on his blanket and guards it very protectively . Woe is the cat who tries to get near it . This makes things very easy for me , because now he is so busy protecting that bone , that he forgets to be bored and ask for treats . It makes me think that I ought to ask the butcher for bones , or maybe buy soup bones that have a little bit of meat on them . Yesterday I got off my lazy butt and vacuumed all the rooms and vacuumed the furniture too . This was after I changed the bag in the vacuum cleaner which was dead full of dog and cat hair . It sure made a difference in suction power . I have to change it more often than I think I do and I can notice it by the results of my attempts at getting the sofa hair free . When those are futile , it is time for a new bag . Today I have to tPosted by I can 't believe I 've slept until 7 : 30 AM . What is the world coming to ? I woke up during the middle of the night coughing and trying to catch my breath . I think I was not breathing and that my sleep apnea was acting up , because I was sleeping on my back . I got up until I was breathing normally again and then went back to sleep on my side . That happens every once in a while , but I had not put two and two together . Now I have had my first mug of coffee and I 'm about to have my second . I took my medication as soon as I got up , because I did not want to wait for it to do its job until later . I notice that the antipsychotic works about 30 minutes after I take it and I get a great sense of well being and whatever stress I feel disappears . It is a melting tablet that I put on my tongue so it works very quickly . Today is Second Christmas Day here , so it is still a holiday and everything is still closed . We always have that second day added to a holiday . I don 't know why that is . The cafés will be open though , otherwise the tourists would be bored to death , but the stores are closed . Just when you want to get some good shopping done . Well , not I , but the public in general . Yesterday morning my sister and I had espressos and pastries of which I could eat half and even then I got in trouble and ate too much and had to make an emergency trip to the bathroom . But it tasted good going down . My sister planned on cleaning house the rest of the day , because her cleaning lady would not show up , of course , and my sister had to work so much this week . What a way to spend Christmas , huh ? I spent the day doing nothing that required any effort . I watched the Queens Christmas speech , that she writes herself , and it amazes me what she thinks are the important issues that are alive in our society right now , because I could have thought of a whole bunch of different things to address the nation 's people about , making me think she is not quite in touch with the reality of the situation . I think she is too far removed from the lives of the ordinPosted by I 'm like a kid on Christmas morning . I am so full of excitement that I can 't sleep and I am reading everybody 's Christmas blogs and there is good cheer all over the place . If that doesn 't get you in the proper mood , I don 't know what does . It 's all rubbing off on me very much and I think I ought to be having Glühwein now and pieces of bitter dark chocolate . The message of the season is clear . It 's about joy and goodwill and sharing and togetherness and being cozy in each other 's company . The whole crazy rat race has led up to this day , the unfolding of the Christmas spirit , and even I as an atheist can feel it . I am a sucker for sentiment . I am living vicariously through everybody else 's excitement and it is so catching . I love reading about everybody 's preparations for the big day as I jump from one blog to the other . It makes me feel like I am right in the middle of it . Like I am some fairy godmother who is somehow responsible for making it all happen . What grandiose thoughts I have , but I do feel like that a little bit . All over the place Father Christmas is being plied with good offerings of milk and cookies or wine and mince pies . I wonder who will get the best presents ? If I were him , I would reward those with the wine and mince pies the most . There is nothing better to warm yourself on a cold Christmas night . I thought I was going to be like Scrooge this Christmas , but I am not at all and have found the joy of it deep within my heart , even if I am celebrating it on my own . It 's okay to do it this way and to be alone here with the animals , because the spirit of it is with me anyway and even though I am a pagan , or a doubtful atheist at heart , I understand the goodwill toward mankind and the longing for togetherness and the symbolic gestures of the rituals and I reaffirm the message of peace on earth , especially now . I am glad that I am not surrounded by a host of cynical people who will even cast a sentence of malignment on the small grasp I still have on the season 's indisputables . Who will wipe everything offPosted by There is nothing better than sitting in your pajamas and you bathrobe , with your warm slippers on , behind the computer on a cozy weekday night , with your dog by your feet in the vicinity of many brightly lit branches with silver balls hanging of them , to give you that Christmas feeling that you have been looking for since you started sending those first Christmas cards . All that is missing now is a pumpkin pie in the oven and a container of real whipped cream , but I made up for that by buying some real chocolate chip cookies this afternoon of which I have eaten enough now to make me slightly sick . So , hold you horses on the cookies . There really can be too much of a good thing , Irene . You greedy old thing . The sparkling branches give a festive feeling to the room and there are ten of them in the vase so it makes for a pretty show . The silver balls reflect the light and make it look like carnival . I am having my own Christmas Eve with the slumbering Überhund who is oblivious of the importance of the occasion . I did give him extra hugs tonight , so a little bit of joy would rub off on him . One cat took off with one silver ball and pitched it across the living room , but I managed to retrieve it intact and put it back in its place secured a little bit tighter . There is too much temptation for them there and doubtlessly it will not be the only ball that hits the dust . They are pretty sturdy , though , not having been made of fragile glass , but some sort of plastic . So you see , I was swayed by the spirit of the season after all and could not withstand making it a little bit festive . The balls were a late addition . I have strings of beads too , but I think that will really be too much temptation for the cats , so I won 't put them on . It is good the way it is . I had to move two plants to make room for the vase with the lights and the plants look perfect where they are now , which makes me think that I will buy another big plant where the vase with lights stands now . It has to be a plant that can stand low light conditions , so I wiPosted by I have been up for a while , but at first couldn 't figure out why I wasn 't getting the show on the road properly , until I realized that I was drinking decaf coffee . Now , you can 't tell me that that doesn 't make a difference . So I very hastily made a mug of regular coffee and drank that and now I am functioning the way I should . Boy , I was worried there for a while . I thought , " Now what , what in the world is wrong with me ? " As if I hadn 't had enough to worry about . Now I am sitting here quite contentedly enjoying the quiet hours of the early morning and all is well with the world . The Überhund tried to talk me into giving him many treats , but I ignored him completely and finally told him him a firm No when he wouldn 't let up and now he is sleeping on his blanket , no doubt feeling very neglected and misunderstood . Sometimes he behaves like a spoiled child , but I suppose I can only blame myself for that , because I can be such a push over and he can be very persistent . I had ordered some boots on line the other day and they arrived yesterday . I got them on sale and paid for them with the money that my older sister sent me for Christmas . They are very nice and I am very happy with them . They are half length boots and have one strap across the instep . They are dressy enough to wear with skirts and dresses , so I can wear them all the time . I will probably wear them out this winter , as I seem to wear out all of my shoes and boots in one season . It has something to do with my uneven hips and the uneven length of my legs . Anyway , it 's nice to have new boots to wear and I like these especially , because they hardly have any heels and are very comfortable to walk in . On Monday I managed to find more Christmas cards and sent another bunch on their way . I went to a drugstore and they had all of their cards on sale already . Then I went to the textiles store in the hope of finding something at a very good bargain , but there was nothing I would have liked to wear at any price . It pays to go in there every once in a while , because you nPosted by I am in a good frame of mind right now , so I thought I would write a quick post , as we may have found a solution to my problem . I went to see my SPN this morning and had e very tearful session in which I let my heart speak and told her all the bad things that were on my mind and together we tried to find a solution . We tossed around all sorts of ideas , but I was feeling kind of hopeless and could really not see the forest for the trees . Finally I said , " Could it be the new medication ? " and she said that she had just been thinking the same thing . She promised to talk to my psychiatrist and call me at home if he was of the opinion if maybe that was the problem . She called me this afternoon to tell me that they think that the new antipsychotic is not working for me and is causing me to have these extremely depressive moods and my psychiatrist made some crucial phone calls and , because of absolute medical necessity , has gotten permission for me to go back to my original antipsychotic medication , for which I won 't have to pay a penny . Isn 't that a wonderful thing ? He must have twisted some arms to get that done , so I am very grateful . I picked up the medication this afternoon and already took one pill and will take another one tonight . It will take a few days for it to build up in my system , but I should be in better shape soon . So , I just wanted you to know that and to hope with me that there maybe is light at the end of the tunnel . Ciao . . . In order to understand this post , you need to read the post before this one that I wrote last night and that was a true confessional of sorts and took me some bravery to write . So , please go and do that first . I am diagnosed with two disorders , namely Bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder . The rapid cycling that I talk about in the last post , and that I have talked about a lot previously , are very quick changes in mood that go from one extreme to another all in a day 's time within the span of hours . This opposed to the longer changes of mood which last for weeks or months when I get depressive episodes or hypomanic episodes that belong to the bipolar disorder . My psychiatrist and my SPN and I have decided that the rapid cycling belongs to the borderline personality disorder , which I will call BPD from this point forward . Rapid cycling is one of the symptoms of BPD and one of the hardest ones to deal with . Your mood goes from one extreme to another during the day and can repeat itself several times . It causes a lot of mayhem in your life and there is not really a medication for it to stop you having these moods . I take a mood stabilizer , but that one is really for the more longer term mood changes that come with the bipolar disorder . Rapid cycling can be triggered by events or thoughts or perceived threats , but sometimes it is not at all clear why the sudden mood changes happen . It is like a switch gets flipped in your mind and you go from being cheerful to morose and depressed in the shortest amount of time and then , after several hours , you go back to being cheerful again and then it may happen again all in the course of one day . It is very difficult to be caught up in this cycle and when you are at the lowest point , it is difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel , because you suffer . Sometimes you suffer very deeply and you want a way out permanently . My depressed episodes are accompanied by a great deal of self loathing , so that makes it extra hard , but I try to remember the period before thaPosted by It 's late at night and I have just woken up after haven fallen asleep on the sofa in my bathrobe and pajamas . That seems to be a the way I do things now . I fall asleep watching TV and get up and go to bed and sleep some more there . Except for tonight . Tonight I want to tell you something . This morning I wrote a very cheerful post , because I was feeling very cheerful . I am sorry to say that within an hour of writing that post my mood had plummeted down to nothing and I found myself in a state of great anxiety and depression . I don 't know what caused me to feel that way and I tried very hard to climb out of the black hole I found myself in . I couldn 't figure out a way to do it and I was so upset and distraught that I almost forgot how it had felt to be cheerful an hour earlier and I could only feel this sense of doom . This constant changing of moods has been going on for a while now and sometimes I can tie it to an event , but more often than not I can 't , so I am left in the dark as to why it happens and how to resolve it . This morning I thought that if this kept going on , I would at least be able to kill myself so that this endless rapid cycling would stop . Having thought that , I felt a bit calmer , because I saw it as a solution to end something that I do not have a grip on . I went to creative therapy in that mood , because I thought it would improve there when I was busy with my collages and in the company of other people , but for some reason that made no difference . During our coffee break I stood out on the smoker 's deck and all I could think of was the best way to commit suicide . My mood finally lifted when I came home again . When I walked into the apartment and was greeted by the Überhund and I hung up my coat on the coat rack and made myself a mug of decaf and sat down to smoke a cigarette . Suddenly all the heaviness and the darkness of the morning slipped off my shoulders and I could think clearly again . It took me about half an hour to gather myself together emotionally before I felt like I was my normal self agaPosted by After a terribly boring Sunday , it is a new week again and I am so happy about that and I can tell you that I have been looking forward to it all day yesterday when I did nothing but blog and watch TV and took the Überhund for walks . Oh , I am sure I could have done more interesting things , but when things got too boring , I took a nap on the very soft arm pillow of the sofa and it was a good way to get through the day . I actually watched some decent TV and saw some interesting documentaries . One was abut food design and how it was made to be as appealing to the public as possible . Very fascinating and educating and I will never look at food the same way again . When I tell you about my days and I state that there are lesser days , it is never with the idea that I am complaining and am asking for some solution . I just tell you the facts and share with you what happens here , both the good and the bad , and I know the bad days are always followed by good days . Which does not mean I don 't appreciate the input , but sometimes I know when I am in a less than optimal situation and that I need to do something about it . I don 't want to give the impression that I am a helpless female , because I am not . Sometimes I 'm temporarily off course , but I always find my way back somehow and manage to get to the point where I 'm supposed to be . Anyway , I am full of good cheer for the coming week and I hope that the mood I am in now will stick to me and will help me get through the rest of the week . I have both creative and ergo therapy this week and then it will be Christmas and we ' 'll have a week off until the day after New Year 's when there is an extra creative therapy class . You can bet that I am not going to miss that one . I was hypomanic when I started the ergo and creative therapy classes , so at that time I had a lot of courage and brawn . It was easy for me to step into them then . Now I am not at all hypomanic and I miss that feeling of over competence that comes with it . I have a lot of balls when I am hypomanic . I am meek when I am nPosted by You could also call it very early in the morning , whatever . The fact of the matter is that I wake up at 3 AM and that there is no stopping me from getting out of bed and getting the day started . I must admit , though , that I like these wee hours of the very early morning and that I spend some of my happiest moments then . I like the coziness and the solitude and the silence of the world around me . I can pretend that I 'm the only person awake for miles around . The best part of living alone , is that I don 't upset another person with my schedule . I can be awake or asleep whenever I want . It used to bother the Exfactor something awful when he heard me type in the middle of the night , because he was a light sleeper and my nighttime activities always woke him up . Now I can do whatever I want and I am glad about it . This is one of the very things that would prevent me from starting another serious relationship . It would be the loss of freedom to do whatever I want at whatever time of day . I don 't miss having a man in my life . Sometimes I am a little bit lonely , but not necessarily for a partner . That loneliness can be filled by anything and anybody . They 're just lonely moments and not moments that I long for a partner . It 's just more of a longing for human contact and it 's up to me to fix that problem , but most of the time I am perfectly okay on my own . I find a lot of comfort in my own company . The realization that I can be who I am without having to adapt myself to someone else is a blessing . Well , I went out on my bike first thing yesterday morning to find some Christmas cards and I did at one store , but I think I got their last box and now it seems that I need to go out and buy another one . I need not despair , however , because there are several more stores where I can have a look . I have decided that I like sending and receiving Christmas cards very much , so here is a gentle hint . If you want to receive a Christmas card from me , email me your snail mail address and I 'll add you to my list . You can email me through my profPosted by I woke up at 3 AM , wide awake and not one bit of sleep left in my body . I stayed in bed until 3 : 30 to make sure I was really awake , because there were two cats sound asleep on top of me , but I didn 't fall back asleep and decided to get up , much as I hated to disturb the snoozing cats . While I was putting on my bathrobe , the Überhund woke up and decided he wanted to go out for a piddle , so I let him out back and gave him a treat when he came back in for being a good boy . He is now sound asleep on his blanket under the coffee table and I think I will not see him awake again for some time . He does like his nighttime rest . It is very cozy here all by myself with the animals asleep . I feel like these moments could go on forever . I treasure them very much . It is because I fall asleep on the sofa after dinner that I wake up in the middle of the night . I try to fight that by finding an interesting program on TV to watch , but so very often there is nothing on that really grabs my attention . Yesterday was a very decent day . My mood didn 't tumble all over itself and I was pretty steady . Rather than vacuum , I swept the whole apartment and had little piles of dog hair and grit all over the place . That did make the job very satisfying , but I still have to get out the vacuum cleaner to do the furniture . Sweeping however is so much better than dragging the noisy vacuum cleaner around , I do dislike that intensely . It is the noise that bothers me so . There are periods in my life when I just can 't cope with that . I even had a period in my life some years ago when I couldn 't cope with any kind of noise and I wanted the TV and the radio off and for there to be complete silence in the apartment . I realize now that this must have been hard for the Exfactor , who could only read or do other very silent things , but I didn 't stop and think about it then . I guess I was like a tightly wound string that would break if there was too much input . Anyway , I 'm happy to report that I made it to the grocery store where I bought 12 liters of milk and delPosted by I am sitting here with a nice mug of coffee after I have just woken up from a nice nap on the sofa . I was watching CNN News for a change , but it did not prevent me from falling asleep . I don 't know about you , but I find CNN News a strange phenomenon with all those Kens and Barbies who cheerfully present the world events as if they are nothing but equally casual bits of tidbits of unimportant information . I wonder how they would present the end of the world . . . and now back to you , Ken . It has come to my attention that you all would like to see a picture of me with my glasses on and since I can 't ignore that request , I took a bunch of photographs of myself today and tried to look as friendly as I could . I deleted a bunch of them and then was left with a couple to choose from . I hope I picked the best one to show you , because here it is . I don 't think it is the most flattering picture of me , but I am not in the mood to sit and take a hundred photographs in order to get the best one . That would be rather obsessive . I was also given a reward by the lovely Diane , which I really appreciate and which is this one here . Now , I already have this one , and I think I have already handed it out , but that doesn 't spoil the fun . So , this was just a little in between post . I must go and walk the Überhund now . Ciao . . . It 's going to disappoint all of you when I tell you that I didn 't go to that new creative therapy class and it wasn 't because I was too tired to go , but because I was too intimidated to go . I simply did not have the guts to go to a new group and become part of it and do my work there . I chickened out and when I made the decision not to go at the last minute , a huge amount of stress fell off my shoulders . I don 't know what it is with me , but everything new intimidates me and rather than face up to it , I choose the easy way out and don 't do it . I get such stress from having to do something new in my life . I affects my mood something awful and I become a nervous wreck who can 't function properly . I am not proud of it , but I have found no way to deal with it yet . The rest of the day my mood was up and down , the way it has been lately . I hit high points and I hit low points and I try to get through the low points by remembering that they are temporary and that after a few hours they will be gone and I will feel better again . I get very morose and down on myself and see the world colored black . Then , when that mood is over , I see things in heir proper perspective again and I can think clearly and see that it isn 't so . So , there is some rapid cycling going on and that seems to come with the time of year , I think . I am warding off a real depression and fight my way out of the low points by finding ways to distract myself and by trying not to believe what I think . The good news is that my welfare payment came 2 days early , so I can go grocery shopping , which I badly need to do and I could pay some bills . I was hoping it would be and kept checking my bank account . The other good news is that my eyes have become completely adapted to the new glasses and now when I take them off , there is a hell of a difference , especially in the right eye , which is a - 3 and has an astigmatism . I find myself paying close attention to people who wear glasses on TV and comparing their glasses to mine and seeing how they look in theirs . My household Posted by Once again I am sitting here in the middle of the night all bright eyed and bushy tailed and very much wide awake and have been for about an hour . You could say that my whole sleep schedule is turned upside down and I really don 't mind it so much , except that yesterday it made me miss my ergo therapy class , because I found myself having to go back to sleep an hour before it was time to leave . So , I sleep in the morning , am awake all afternoon , fall sleep after dinner on the sofa , drag myself to bed at around 11 o ' clock and then wake up in the middle of the night . It certainly is an interesting schedule . Today I must make it to my new creative therapy class , because it would look very bad if I didn 't show up . Now partly this schedule I am on has to do with my sleep pattern , but some of it has to do with my mood , which seems to be fluctuating up and down and sometimes I feel very good , as if I can take on the world , and then I get rather low and I feel like avoiding everything . It is a little bit like rapid cycling without the extreme hard edges . I know that if I feel low , sleeping gets me over that , so I sleep . Anyway , yesterday started off as a frustrating day once I got up , because I saw all this housework that needed to get done , without having any of the motivation or mental energy to do anything about it . I just felt defeated by it . I sat on the sofa and drank many mugs of decaf and smoked my cigarettes and thought about the vacuum cleaner , but that is as far as I got . I did the dishes and a load of laundry . I felt like I was in a slump and I couldn 't see my way out of it . So , I decided not to fight the thing and to just let it be and not worry about it and to not beat myself about the head for it . It is that time of year and I will get over it . I also knew that I had to get some groceries and I didn 't even feel like doing that and was considering drinking my coffee black and liking it that way . Anything seemed better than going to the grocery store for some reason . However , I did have to go out that afternoon , bePosted by Since it is early in the morning , and I have caught up on reading all the blogs I follow , I think it is a perfect time to write a post as I sit here with my third cup of coffee ( decaf ) and one of my numerous cigarettes . I think early mornings are one of my favorite times of the day , because nowhere around me the day has started yet and all is quiet and peaceful . Even the paperboy hasn 't been by yet on his noisy scooter . The reason I wake up so early , is that I actually fall asleep quite early in the evening on the sofa while watching the news and when I wake up , it is several hours later and then I drag myself to the bedroom to sleep in oblivion some more . It is very pleasant not to completely wake up in between , but sort of walk around the apartment in a half awake state and shut off the lights and turn down the heater and make it to bed where I almost immediately fall asleep again . I take naps during the day too . I do so when I feel my mood plummet and experience tells me that the best cure for this is to go lie down and sleep for a while , because I always wake up refreshed and in a much better frame of mind . This is what happened yesterday afternoon , when I badly needed to sleep , but had to go to my gastric band appointment . I decided to reschedule the appointment and to sleep instead for the sake of my mental health . It does mean that my schedule is kind of screwy right now , but it can 't be helped and I remember going through a period like this last year and I blame it on the time of year , when I really have hibernation tendencies . Maybe I should be like a bear in his cave and burrow in and not come out until the early springtime . Except that I would miss the food , which I seem to need copious amounts of right now , but that also belongs to the time of year . Comfort foods that make me feel good . No , no sweets and cookies , just plain food . I am still not cleaning the apartment the way I should , but today at ergo therapy , I 'm picking up the daily schedule that I made on an hourly basis and that will help me get thinPosted by Yesterday morning at 8 o ' clock , I was sitting on the sofa , watching the teletext news and waiting for it to be time to leave for my creative class , and a terrible tiredness fell over me and I started to fall asleep and I realized that more than anything I wanted to go back to bed and sleep some more , so that is what I did . I slept for another 3 hours and when I woke up I felt ever so much better . I could tell that I needed to sleep some more , because I was starting to feel a little bit defeated and that is always a sign that I better go back to bed and not do anything else . If I don 't get sleep when I need it , it affects my mood so much and that is one thing I don 't want to happen . It did mean that I missed my creative class , but I figured that sleeping was more important at that time . I was right about that , because the rest of the day went smoothly . The only thing I am having a problem with right now is doing the household . I am being very lax in it and I am leaving some jobs undone and just can 't find the motivation to do them . I keep postponing jobs and promising myself that I will do them tomorrow and then I still don 't do them . I suppose I don 't care enough if they get done or not , otherwise I would put some effort into getting them done . I am so not a typical Dutch housewife . I did do groceries yesterday and I am eking out the money that I have left until the 20th when I will get my welfare payment again . It 's a challenge to go to the grocery store and buy what is absolutely necessary and not spend a penny more . There is a sport in that and I am not complaining , because I 'm still better off than other people who have nothing . I count my blessings every day and I did have the added expense of the new glasses , which are not covered by my health insurance , believe it or not . I do like a challenge when one comes my way and I can be a penny pincher just as well as the next guy and , even though I like to buy pretty things , I can withstand the allurement and close my eyes to them and walk away from something very attPosted by |
Tommy looked through the telescope and saw thousands of tiny shining points on the night sky . He then moved the lunete a few inches higher and to the right until he saw a magnified image of the moon . The moon was larger than most days and he could distinguish some large craters on the cream - coloured surface of the satelite . He stayed that way for a few moments observing each and every detail of the moon . Every time he looked at it it was different . And some days he couldn 't see it at all when it was just a round shadow barely visable on the evening sky . His vision was suddenly obscured as something large , much bigger than the moon passed somewhere between him and the cosmos . If he didn 't knwo better he would 've thought it was a falling star but it was far too big to be one . He moved away immediately , falling back on his hands . He stood up quickly , the cold snow stinging his bare hands . He hid them in the pockets of his warm jacket and went back to looking through the telescope . Except now there was a big black dog standing right in front of the lense and nothing could be seen . He looked at the creature . It wasn 't your usual house dog with a leather collar and a name tag on its neck . It was slightly bigger than a normal labrador although it looked exactly like one . It had short black fur and a wagging tale that would never ever stop . But the most unusual thing about this dog wasn 't its size or the happiness and energy beaming from it ; it was the big helmet stuck on its head . It was round and looked like a glass fish tank but its end was attached to what looked like a metal collar with lots and lots of small buttons and lights . The helmet looked like it was a little bit too small as the dogs snout was pushing against the glass and leaving a shape of foggy steam vaporized on the inside of the helmet each time it exhaled through its big , damp nose . " You 're a Space Dog , " Tommy said . It wasn 't under the influence of the glass helmet or the eyes . He called it that because of it 's fur : black but with spots glittering like stars on the darkest night Tommy had ever seen . Tommy thought at first that it was food but Majka didn 't look hungry . It didn 't take him long to finally figure out what it really wanted . He ran into his house and quickly returned with a yellow flashy tennis ball . He threw it shouting " fetch " as his hand released the ball mid - air . Tommy picked the ball up with hesitation . It was covered with the dogs saliva and already lost its bright yellow color . He did throw it however and Majka brought it back . The cycle repeated itself a few times but the dog never got bored . It was kind of funny how dogs never lost interest in doing the silliest of things like , for instance , fetching a tennis ball . The game was interrupted by Tommy 's mom calling the boy to bed . Tommy looked at Majka with such sadness in his eyes that she stopped wagging her tail for a few seconds . He didn 't want to go to sleep just yet . It was still early and besides , he still wanted to play with Majka . Suddenly an idea came up . He looked at Majka with that clever look in his blue eyes . Majka smiled understanding his question . Oh she could fly fast alright , faster than light if it were necessary . Tommy was a pretty tall nine year old but even with his unusual hight Majka was the size of a big pony to him . He climbed up her legs , groping her fur clumsily when he slid down the silky black hair . He tried a few times before he managed to sit comfortably just behind the dogs shoulder blades . Majka readied herself and jumped . Tommy saw thousands of stars passing them at an amazing speed . They were both huge and very small . He sometimes felt very hot and other times he had to cuddle closer to Majka 's fur just to steal some of that amazing heat she produced . Majka herself seemed very used to this and it was nothing weird as she was a Space Dog . They landed on a very green planet . There was nothing but plants wherever they went . Even the flowers and the sun were green . They travelled by foot for an hour or so and there was nothing around that they could distinguish . Suddenly , Majka 's paw got stuck in the green pebbles which covered the soil on the planet . Somehow she managed to save it but the feeling of safeness disappeared immediately . And it wasn 't just the fact that there were traps that nature set up for them on this distant planet . They also felt as if something was watching them . And soon enough they were about to find out what it was . The ground vibrated slightly and a big bird appeared in front of them . It had black feathers and looked a lot like a raven except it had a humanoid face and its feathers above its face on the right side were tinted blue . It had rectangular glasses and looked like a girl . And not only did it look like a girl , it looked evil . If only it were bold then Tommy would 've thought it the scariest thing he had ever seen . The scariest thing he had ever seen so far was that man on television who wore a huge black robe and sang very scarily . The bird half croaked and half bellowed and started running towards them . As clumsy as it was its speed was far over thirty miles per hour and it quickly started catching up with them . In an act of desperation Tommy jumped and caught Majka 's tail and hang onto it with all his strength . After getting used to it he managed to look up and see that they were heading for that same stop where Maika got stuck last time . With the right amount of pressure maybe the monster would get stuck in it . It was heavier than Majka and ran so it was quite possible his plan would work . Tommy grinned seeing the embarrassment on its face . He yawned and realized he was quite tired . He leaned on the dog and after sliding down fell asleep next to its warm legs . Outsiders . My little first - person narration experiment . It will probably see a sequel and a comic by distorted eye if things go well . Based on 2 drawings by the same distorted eye ^___^ Enjoy . The Archduke Franz Ferdinand Boarding school for Talented Youth . The school I attend , the one place I 'd do anything to be in . And also , ironically , the one place I hate the most in the world . It 's the kind of school that mostly rich kids attend even if their ' talent ' amounts to almost zero . Reputation is all that matters in this place . Reputation and money . The ' FF ' as it 's called by us , has the best equipment and staff you can find . Kids can attend here all the way from preschool to college and there 's a whole city neighboring it that plays the role of a campus . For those who are actually talented and didn 't get in only thanks to their old man having cash and status there are lots of places to work in case they haven 't got enough money . Sounds good , but it 's not . The pressure from the rich rascals is too much for some to handle . I have only one good memory of this place . I attended the FF when I was a kid . There were three guys I used to hang out with . We spent a lot of time but then I moved to Germany . I forgot everything about them . I don 't know how and I certainly didn 't realize when that happened . I know that didn 't want to forget , but it just happened in the feverish rush after adapting to the new environment . Now , I have no pictures , no contacts and almost no memories of them . I remember only one situation : our teacher asked us who did we want to become when we grew up . Our - sort of - leader said he had a dream of becoming a mafia boss , another one a zombie and the third one wanted to work in fast food . Ironically , he did come from a rich family . They were the only reason I came back here . But after ten years it was impossible to find them . Well , maybe it 's better this way . Sometimes I get the feeling that something terrible would happen if I came back not remembering and met them without recognizing . I know I would feel - at least - offended by something like that . Probably also betrayed . I suspect that maybe they changed school . I sort of expected it . We weren 't exactly the most likable group . Naturally , he was introduced at homeroom . " Mr . Kapranos " was different from the rest . In here people are categorized in 3 groups : the rich - brats , arrogant nerds and the weirdos , the ones that came to the school because they were made to , or had other terrifyingly weird reasons to come here . The boy who entered the class was neither . He was just better than any other person in the academy . Prouder than those wealthy twats , better than the nerds and the weirdest of us . But more importantly , he had them . So beautiful , perfectly gray , not to small and not to big . Not everyone has them . Wings , the ability and potential to fly , to dream . I myself lack them . I remember my three friends having them as well . That something special that only I could notice . Why , I wonder . Why am I granted this ability of seeing something that I could never have ? This cruel fate just makes my life miserable . " I 'm Alex . . . " the boy introduced himself . His voice lacked emotions . He seemed to be thinking he 's too good to introduce himself to a bunch of bugs . He was scary . . . The teacher pointed out his seat . It was next to some rich bloke who kept the place beside him empty so he could invite and molest some girl when one transfers to our class . Or speaking shortly , Dave , the Perverted . Alex ignored the teacher and picked a different seat . Next to me . Nobody even dared to protest . He gave of an aura of invincibility , like he 'd kill you if you even dared to say anything . I glanced at him and for just a second saw him smirk confidently and blink at me . The teacher felt it would be better to just ignore him for now and continued with the school business . I hid my face in my arms and continued to do what I was doing up until now : lying on the desk and thinking . At the moment it was Alex I was thinking of . I could feel his feathers brushing my arm . Just being around this kind of a person was more than I could comprehend . I squeezed the pencil in my fingers and moved my arm a little . " Nick . Nice to meet u . " my hand wrote on the table . I didn 't look up . I was afraid . I could already see the look of disgust in his eyes . Because of that , and only that I continued to lye until the bell rang . I was never more awake and more aware of what was going on around me than on that lesson . I could feel my back stiffening at the beginning and then hurting me when I was too nervous to relax . As soon as the bell finished ringing I was already outside the classroom not looking back to face my deskmate . " Nick ! ' I heard Paul 's voice on the corridor and turned around . The two were heading towards me and I was more than certain what will be the subject of our next conversation . Bob and Paul were probably my only mates in the FF . They were friends from when I too attended this school and since that time they were always together . The dark - haired Paul was really rich ( but unexpectedly OK ) and surprisingly loved burgers , while the other was an artist and his family did his best to help his abilities flourish . The school 's art group had the best quality art supplies and frequent meetings with famous artists . Of course , never the ones Bob wanted to meet . That 's how it usually is with different possibilities . Neither Paul nor Bob had wings . What they had was a couple of perfect - gray feathers pointing out of their shoulders . But it was better than nothing . Maybe those feathers could grow into wings one day ? was what I often thought when looking at them . It was actually quite possible . They weren 't the type of people who I usually spot wings on but they most definitely deserved them . To be honest , I wasn 't really attracted to those two at the beginning . They were just mates I could talk to . Nobody special . Just not to be isolated too much . I grew quite fond of them , especially recently . They seem like air - heads but they are fairly aware of their surroundings . " Who is that guy ? " Paul asked looking around just to make sure nobody was listening to us . I knew there were quite a lot of girls and guys looking at me with an evil glare . Jealousy ? Maybe hate ? The sensation of their position being endangered ? Maybe they thought I could pose a greater threat to them now . " I wonder why he 'd sit with you . I mean , I know anybody would switch just to be as far away as possible from that perv , Dave but he didn 't even know him . I guess he understands everything about this school from just one look ! I wonder what made him even transfer here . . . " I noticed Paul was glaring at me , expecting something but I couldn 't understand what it was . " Yeah . . . " I agreed not exactly knowing what I should say . I couldn 't tell them about the wings . They wouldn 't understand it . Or so I told myself . But then again , I was probably just afraid that I 'd even lose those two . And I am tired of having people stolen away from me . We went to our spot . It 's in the part that students were not permitted to go to so there were never many people there . But even there we were spotted . Not by the staff but by Christopher 's errand boy . Christopher , also called the Captain , is like the student council head and probably the most important person around . He was just unlucky enough to pick that kind of nick name . He probably thought it would be cool like West Ham Captain or something of that sort , but it made the exact opposite reaction on me and as I once found out on Bob and Paul too . When we heard his name for the first time we could only think of a fat bearded old man with too little hair and a pipe in his lips . " The Captain " is the exact opposite though . I can 't say he 's not intelligent . In fact he 's quite smart and he himself knows that . And he isn 't easy to shut up . While the other guys who thought I 'd be afraid of them gave out after a little talk I managed to get them off of me . Christopher on the other hand didn 't let words to force him to do something . He also doesn 't rely only on his position and also I had to come to a little agreement with him before acquiring my peaceful life . " Hey Nick " I was greeted coldly by the boy . The moment those words came out of his lips I could feel myself being in the way of Paul 's killing intent . Yeah , this guy is Pete . Or Kenz as everybody calls him . He naturally acquired a quite big amount of strength and muscles and now likes using it on any occasion . Paul is one of his victims . I still feel a bit sad when I look at his chipped teeth . " I just came to tell you . . . Don 't think that just because you have a new ally you can just brake off the agreement . " " Yeah right . I saw him scribbling messages to you all the time . . . He belongs to the Captain . " He hissed the last words with such content and hatred that it was obvious what he meant by those words . My blood was boiling . I didn 't know if it was because of the loathing or my surprise . Whatever the reason was I decided to bring it all out on Kenz . The idiot deserved it . " Fuck off , you wanker . . . " I whispered . " As if you 'd understand how special he is ! " I hit him first in the stomach and afterwards in his cheek . He fell to the ground . He could 've worked out for a hundred years for all I know , but he didn 't have much experience in fighting . After attending a public school in Germany one is bound to learn how to fight and defend oneself . " Let 's go " I said putting my hands in the pockets of my uniform trousers . I wasn 't necessarily trying to act cool as some would think but I was trying to hide my hands from Bob and Paul . I was clenching my fists so tight that my knuckles were probably white . I was so angry I didn 't care too much for the lying pawn . Paul and Bob followed me a bit overwhelmed by my sudden outburst . We didn 't really talk much after that . I left them after we got to the students lunch area . I didn 't tell them where I was heading even though they were asking . But , I had to check it . The moment I disappeared from their eyesight I ran to the classroom . The door wasn 't closed and thank god for that . I slipped in and rested against the door listening if anybody was approaching . I relaxed when there were no footsteps heard . Immediately my face was covered in a blush . I couldn 't believe it . Not only did I openly call somebody I never knew special I was more than excited to hear I received a message from him . I never knew that somebody 's wings could have such an effect on me . I found my table at the back of the class . I was lucky to have it there . It was in a place that nobody would pass and accidentally glance at what Alex wrote . That was a message for me and only me . I knew it . I felt an overwhelming sadness . I wanted to cry . I wanted to know him . Nothing more . Just to be his friend . I could only blame my stupid character for that . The more I wanted to know somebody the harder it got for me . That 's why it was so easy with Bob and Paul . I didn 't really care that much at the beginning . And I was really thankful it turned out like that . I rested on the chair and leaned forward . I was tired . I had nothing to do now . There was no point . I rested my head on the table and took a short nap that ended when the bell rang . The bell that announced the end of the lesson . I opened my eyes and looked around , everything seemed blurred to my unadjusted eyes . Before I knew what was going on he was already gone . But I had nice dreams while I was asleep . I didn 't remember any of them but I could always feel the sensation of Alex 's feathers tickling my arm . When I woke up I was disappointed to find the seat next to me empty . Bob and Paul were probably on their way to the dormitory too . I slacked off before leaving the class . After everybody had left I checked the desk again . Some part of me wished that Alex left something for me . That idiot Kenz . With my hopes up like that I just couldn 't focus . . . Our dorms are divided into two parts . The one for the rich kids with everything high class and all , and the one for the less wealthy children . There the rooms were double and there were some other inconveniences compared to the better part but nobody thought of it as a problem too but that wasn 't a problem . Unfortunately I wasn 't in the same parts as Bob and Paul and so I pretty much ignored most of the crowd walking past my door . Since I was the last one to transfer in a long time to this dorm I had the whole room to myself . Or so I thought . When I opened the door I found my stuff being tossed around the room mixed with some of his stuff . Yes , Alex was sitting on the bed ( my bed ) and seemed to have made himself totally comfortable in my room . I won 't say it was unexpected , I was quietly hoping I would share my room with him but I did expect him to be in the other part . " No , not at all ! " I tried not to look at him but my eyes were too attracted to him and his wings . I remembered that he too had wings like Alex 's that boy I used to spend time with when I was a child . " Sorry about the trouble I gave you . . . " he whispered with honest concern . I was amazed . I didn 't expect him to be like this . I thought he 'd be a though guy but I found him actually showing good manners and true human feelings that I almost didn 't receive in this place except for when being around Bob and Paul and some of the nicer teachers . " Don 't worry about it " I don 't know if I smiled or not . I didn 't know if I should . " They 're all just a bunch of idiots . . . This school is so corrupted , you can rarely find anybody good to spend time with . " " Oh , they 're OK , great guys , actually " I said . I wondered when he 'd had the chance to meet them . And why was he staring at me so intensely , like Paul did not too long ago . After that none of us said anything . I knew I should 've said something more but I just hadn 't the courage to do so . We went on to doing our stuff and didn 't say anything till night fall . Only once I thought I heard him whisper something about protecting me if anything happens to me because of him . But it was probably just my imagination . I was just expecting too much . When he left the room to do something I found his feather on the floor . That beautiful gray feather . I put it in my wallet . I don 't know if feathers alone are visible to other people . And I don 't plan on ever getting rid of it . I collect them for some odd reason . They 're all tagged in my wallet . Name , date and place . I almost never forgot a person with wings . Except for the boy from my childhood . I was ' kidnapped ' during the lunch break . A couple of guys surrounded me and led me to a quiet place where it would be impossible for a teacher , or anybody for that matter , to find us . I cursed the school for being so big . I was surprised to see that even Christopher came to see my humble defeat . Whenever I see him I still feel outraged . All because he too has wings . Not as big and gray as Alex 's but certainly they make quite the impression on somebody who sees them . " You have no idea who this guy is . . . " I whispered . " He has ' em ! They 're bigger , better and more beautiful than yours ! You don 't have the right to lick dust from his shoes . . . " After that speech I could see Christopher 's face filled with anger and confusion . I was blabbering nonsense to anybody who didn 't see them . But he didn 't say anything . He just nodded to Kenz . I was beat up to a pulp . I had no chance against ten guys working - out every day . I tried to defend myself but was quickly caught and immobilized . Late , i thought it all stopped for one moment . Later , there was a weird commotion but I was too tired and hurt to see anything . All I wanted was to sleep . But just before I passed out I could swear I saw Alex 's shoes . One black , the other white . Wow , that guy really had the style . I woke up in the same place I fainted . Alex was sitting besides the wall resting his back against it . His wings were as beautiful as always . But they were different . Drops of blood tainted the grey feathers . He himself was beat up too . I was angry . I got everybody involved . I didn 't want to make any excuses because there were none I could make . I said nothing . He didn 't open his lips either . After finally gathering enough strength we crawled to the nearest bathroom . I happily found out that my face was in a worse state than his . " Why shouldn 't I ? You got into this because of me so I can 't stand by and watch you get the beating of your life " was what he said . Yeah , right . As if you 'd taint your conscience with my pain . I was a step away from bursting to tears . So weak . He was much better than me . He shouldn 't have tainted his wings with blood . Why would he do that ? " You don 't get it , do you . . . " I whispered . " If anything happens to me it 's OK . But you . . . You have them , you can fly , fly higher than anybody I 've ever seen . . . Then why ? Why deal with earthly affairs when you have the whole sky to fly around ? " " I could ask you the same thing " Alex said calmly . I looked at him surprised . What did he mean ? " Why do you hide them ? " he stepped behind me . I stared at his face in the mirror . I felt a tickling sensation on my back . But it wasn 't exactly on my back . Then , there was this nice sensation on my back . Like he was stoking it . But he wasn 't . And then , he showed it to me . First the feather . Beautiful gray . I thought it was his but it clearly wasn 't . The shape was a bit different , less pointy and more curved . Also the color was a bit whiter than his . Then he pointed at my shoulders . There they were . Wings . How ? I don 't know . But I had wings . Wings more beautiful than those of Christopher or any other person in the school . They could even compete with Alex 's wings . " I have wings . . . ? " I said with disbelief . The only thing I could think of was how amazing he was . He and my wings . I rested my back against the wall and slid down . " I guess you didn 't lie at that time . . . " Alex said to my surprise . " When I asked you if in seventeen years you 'd still be Nicolas McCarthy . . . " I glanced up at him blankly . Some distant memory awaken in my head but I couldn 't remember it clearly . We stayed that way until the bell finally rang . Me holding his trousers and he leaning on the door probably wondering if he 'd ever get out of this bathroom . I was happy . I finally remembered . Us . The Outsiders . Us four . Alex , me , Paul and Bob . At the same time I shivered in fear . What was going to be the punishment for my forgetting ? I was afraid to even imagine it . Alex . As gentle and good mannered as he was , was a demonic , winged mafia boss on the inside . First story just finished : - ) It 's called Karasu and I wrote it about three years ago so it 's definitely a bit weird and not that great but it was I think the first story I wrote in English . It 's also pretty sad I guess . Hope you enjoy it ! ~ PhotoKisser ' Karasu ! ' a scream of a little girl buried in the never ending sounds of the battle around them . But the person who was supposed hear it , did . Karasu turned around and felt warm blood on his face . It was her blood … They were looking at him . No , not looking . That word didn 't actually fit in this place . They were staring at him . He felt it . For some reason he couldn 't ignore it like he used to with all of the other annoying stares that he used to be given . He stopped . His dark hair once again fell in to his eyes . He looked at the child which was still inappropriately staring at him . She , because it was a girl , had pitch black hair , probably cut by herself with an old knife , because her bangs were in some places really short and in the others very long . The eyes staring at him were so dark that there was almost no difference in their color and the color of her hair . She had two sweaters on herself . The top one betrayed the existence of the second through some big holes . She probably wasn 't older than nine years . Later on he never knew why he ever said that short word which had changed his life forever . He covered himself tightly with his white coat and looked seriously at the girl . Her face didn 't express any feelings except a little spark of curiosity . But even so it looked as if she were crying . There were no tears running nor did she hide her face in her hands but one thing was sure : deep inside her soul , she was crying . Karasu himself didn 't have more than 25 years but had a lot of experience in dealing with other people . He was born in a steady family with enough money to feed everybody , but even there he was an outcast . He learned to hate people and he lived out of a small wage , being a currier . With that he didn 't have to contact anybody , and could be left alone . ' Come ' he said roughly and hurried down the street . He looked like he didn 't care what happens to the child at all . It didn 't matter if she would follow him or stay under the cold wall of the building . He felt a little surprise when the girl unsteadily stood up and started walking . Her feet landed exactly in his footprints . For a long time there was just silence . None of them would talk : Karasu was trying to understand why would he ever do such a thing and the girl was focusing on walking . ' I 'm sorry , Raven … ' these were her first words . ' What 're you sorry about … ' Karasu said a bit annoyed . ' You should thank me for what I 'm doing … It 's " Thank you " not " I 'm sorry … " ' ' Thank you , Raven … ' the girl corrected her mistake . Karasu stopped and turned around . He looked into her deep dark eyes . It was as he thought . She had no intention of saying her last words . She spat them out like bad medicine and the grimace of displeasure stayed on her face hidden behind the dark pupils . But he didn 't stop only because of that . She said it twice already . It couldn 't be just a coincidence . ' Why are you calling me Raven ? ' he asked in a similar manner as the girl said ' thank you ' . His name , Karasu , it meant exactly that : Raven . There was no answer . The girl was staring at the ground as if she 'd never heard the question . ' What 's you 're name ? ' Karasu asked slowly continuing to walk . Again there was no answer . Karasu held the door for her . But she didn 't enter . She was patiently waiting outside for everybody to enter or exit the room . She would probably stay in that spot but Karasu grabbed her arm and pulled her into the inn . She didn 't protest . She never did . Only small details attracted her attention . Karasu guided her across the room to a small table in the back covered in shadows . ' Why are you doing that ? ' Karasu asked . The girl knew exactly what he was talking about . She always acted nice towards everybody . Bowed a little when she passed people , opened doors for them , always said sorry … She treated everybody like that not caring if they would notice it or not . But even with that she never said a " thank you " . ' Why not ? ' she whispered . ' They won 't care if you wait or not . They don 't see these kind of things Nor would they do anything about it . Why care ? ' Somebody can notice it … There would be no sense in it if everybody thought your ' why " , ' her words bore no anger , only a dare . ' Besides if I do that somebody can start doing the same . And there would be one more nice person in the world … ' Karasu sighed looking at all the drunken people . Unfortunately it was the only place opened right now so he just couldn 't go somewhere else . ' I doubt there 's someone like that … ' he said , his voice just a tiny bit too sharp . The dagger was only a few inches from her face but the girl didn 't move . She wasn 't scared . Her face still didn 't show any expressions or feelings . The owner of the weapon was probably more scared then she was . His hands were shaking and eyes were filled with tears . ' Give me your money … or she dies ! ' he said in a trembling voice . Karasu didn 't move . Just looking in his eyes the bandit could easily say that he lost . In one moment he shifted and in a second he was already holding a short blue sword , with a carved raven to the man 's neck . The bandit dropped his dagger and kneeled . He was scared . A lot more then the girl . Karasu never saw her scared . In fact he never saw her express almost any feelings . She held him weakly and looked at him . In her big , dark eyes he saw something he never did before : fear , sadness , a whole palette of feelings . But the dominating one was happiness . Karasu walked a lot quicker now that they were passing the crowd . He didn 't want to spoil her young eyes with a sight like this one . She on the other hand focused very hard on looking around , searching for something . Karasu noticed that her eyes were focused on the people standing on a small pile of straw and hay , and a moment later on something above them . He grabbed her arm and pulled her towards an empty alley . " Die ! " The scream of the people could still be heard even after leaving the square . ' Barbarians … ' Karasu commented . ' Laughing out of another person 's death … ' Karasu looked at her a bit irritated , but she didn 't seem to notice it and continued with her speech . ' There were only three pigeons there ' she paused noticing the questioning look of Karasu . ' Everybody has their bird . It 's their guide and protector . It always appears when they die . Every guide means something else : a pigeon - franc , and a Raven - guidance . There were only three pigeons . They were guiding their souls to the afterlife . Karasu looked at her with a bit of surprise . He thought he already heard everything but now a new information came out of the girls mouth . He feared the question being born in his head : " who was she ? " . Karasu hugged her tightly holding her weak body close to himself . He cried . The world seemed to disappear . The only thing that was left was him , the girl and ravens . It was enough . All the sadness in the world couldn 't make his happiness disappear . Yes , he was happy . He looked at the Ravens already flying away . She was free . After all this time of being stuck in a world where she didn 't belong , she was finally free . Karasu was kneeling before a small stone with a Raven carved into it . A black bird was sat on his shoulder . ' Thank you … ' he said touching the cold stone . He stood up . In the weak light of the settling sun he looked like a big raven . PhotoKisser , winter 2006 / 07 Hello , Haven 't been here for a while . Unfortunately I 've been busy with a private project which took all my attention and I couldn 't post anything new . Furthermore , things have been awfully busy at school . I 've been correcting one thing for almost a week cause I couldn 't find any time . Fortunately , however , the xmas holiday is coming up and I 'll have some time to work on something maybe . I 'm currently starting to do some cleaning in my stories and I 'll be correcting ( and finishing ) a lot of things so I 'll probably be posting them as well . Mainly my anime fanfiction ( D Gray Man which I daftly abandoned two chapters before the ending - no idea why - and Darker than Black fanfic which I just stopped writing for some reason ) . Be sure to expect something very soon . As for my franz fiction , I just finished correcting Outsiders recently so I 'll be putting that online in a matter of days . Maybe I 'll even write a follow up quite quickly too . And just to keep you updated on my non - fanfiction projects there 's probably a comic coming up ( Distorted Eye will be doing the art , and I 'll probably be helping with the story ) and there are some other things I 'll be writing too hopefully . Right . . . Sorry for the big teaser . It 'll probably take some time to do all this but I 'll work hard whenever I don 't have loads of work for school . So wait for it : - ) ~ PhotoKisser Here 's the next part of Fireworks , enjoy ! ~ PhotoKisser * * * Chapter 2 ' What do you do with a half - dead man lying on your couch ? ' Mohinder pointed his gun at the chest of the man lying before him . It was the fifth time in the last fifteen minutes and once again just when he was about to pull the trigger he lowered the gun . In little breaks between hesitating to shoot he treated his wounds . The cuts weren 't dangerous but the problem was with the big loss of blood . Even so , nothing was as deadly as it looked . The most mysterious thing was that the place where Hiro stabbed him was healed perfectly . No scar , or anything that would say there was a deadly wound in that place . A little wooden figure hit Mohinder in the head . The impact was big , but it was not enough to make him unconscious . Well it was already the second time , so he was a little bit more prepared for it than when the first hit took place . Sylar 's powers were going crazy , probably because he was still in a half - conscious state . He was freezing everything and making most of the objects fly around , but that still was better than going nuclear or making everything melt . But the worst thing was that every little sound made him scream in pain . Mohinder looked at the bandaged man , picked up his phone and dialed a number . Beeeeep … beeeep … Nobody answered for a long time but the waiting finally repaid . ' Bennet ? He 's here ! ' Mohinder almost screamed to the phone . Nobody replied so he went on with the speech . ' He appeared in my apartment and then … ' the Indian stopped . The person on the other side of the phone was definitely not Noah Bennet . In fact , it probably wasn 't a male at all , guessing from the fact that he still didn 't hear any shouting on the other side of the phone . ' I think … you got the wrong number … ' a young woman 's voice came out of the phone . ' I 'm terribly sorry , ma ' am … ' Mohinder said glad that the lady on the other side could not see his face blush . He pushed the red button on the portable phone about the same timePosted by So , I 've been meaning to put in Outsiders ( another franz fiction of mine ) recently but when I started to read through it I was shocked to see the mistakes I 've made . So instead I 'm putting in the first chapter from my old heroes fanfic . It 's from waaaay back . It takes place after the first series ended and that 's when I wrote it . I finished it after a long break though . Enjoy ! ~ Photokisser * * * Chapter 1 ' knock , knock ' Buzz buzz … Noah Bennet stood in front of a big shelf looking blindly at the vibrating phone in his hand . Next to him a little girl in a colorful woolen sweater was picking sweets . The basket was already filled with different - flavored candy and a big range of chocolate bars , but the man didn 't mind that . He was focused on the number he knew from somewhere , but for some reason there was a blind spot in his mind , exactly in the place where the name of the caller should be . He pushed a small button with a green dot on it and placed the cell phone to his ear . Too close … " He 's here ! " a familiar voice full of fear and terror screamed right into Bennet 's ear . " Mohinder ? " Bennet looked blindly at a small packet of gummy bears listening to his friend 's only half understandable and only meaningful mumbling . 30 minutes earlierMohinder quickly looked through one of the many newspapers on his desk . He was of course looking for the information about one person . But the name " Sylar " never appeared in any of the articles . Also there was no trace of the man , as if he disappeared into thin air . Mohinder finished checking the last of New York 's newspapers dated for November 16 and pilled it up with the rest . Nothing . He stood up and went towards his bookcase looking around the room . A week has already past since the day when a bright nuclear star appeared on the night sky . Four people disappeared that day . Peter and Nathan Petrelli , Hiro Nakamura and that man … The Asian was probably safe . It was most probable that he teleported himself back to Japan . Peter and Nathan were considered dead . And tPosted by Just putting on Distorted Eye 's finished Alex Kapranos portait : It 's the second from the " series " , Nick and Paul to go ! It 's probably no use adertising her on a blog that nobody reads ( yet ) but I hope someday it will pay of ; ) ~ Photo Kisser So here 's another one ! It 's a story I did for my english lesson last year . It was rewarded an A + for not being full of blood and everything ( compared to the other kids ' stories ) . There was a 250 words limit . Inspired by the Mighty Boosh 's Electro Boy song . Enjoy ! * * * It started like any other day . Looking into the mirror I saw a boring boy with nerdy looking glasses . You know those picked on boys without any style whatsoever that appear in lame , high school comedies ? They exist . And I was one of them . But not anymore . That day everything changed . I had a horrible headache . My thoughts barely got through the pounding pain . I was going along the still empty Shark Ave . , the market street in our town . My usual rout to school . I glimpsed at the windows of closed shops and stopped . The person looking back at me wasn 't me . I touched the cold glass . The girl in the window did the same . Her blue eyes pierced through me . " She knows everything " this thought went through my head several times . The glass seemed to melt and her icy cold fingers tightly grasped mine . I struggled furiously . But that was exactly what she wanted . I pulled my hand and freed her from her glass cage . I woke up a few minutes later . " Vincent ! " I heard a voice in my head . I sat on the street and looked around . The girl was staring at me . She had a glittery , silver suit and looked as if she were from another universe . Electro Girl . That 's what I called her . She would stalk me anywhere I went . It took me a while to realize something . For some reason that thought made me laugh . Why was I the only one who could see her ? END There are different reasons for angels to descend on Earth . There are missions , banishment and such . And then there is the way it happened to Bob . Angels although light enough to stand on clouds still have to be aware of the parts of the sky which aren 't covered by the fluffy white mist . Otherwise they fall down . In other words Bob tripped . When he woke up on Earth he was laying on the cold pavement of a dark alleyway . Next to him there was a man standing . Bob 's first thought was if he had seen him but that escaped his mind quickly . He looked up to see the whole figure of the person . The flip - flops and skinny red trousers were probably the most normal thing he had on him . He wasn 't wearing any shirt just a Scottish flag cape on his back that reached a little above his knees and a plastic helmet on his head . He was pointing a wooden sword at Bob . The angel sighed . He must 've looked pretty pathetic . Not that he was scared of a grown man parading in a kids ' costume . It was just that his wings were so pathetically . . . small . It wasn 't really uncommon for angels to have small wings . In fact it was how things were . But humans had to make everything so big and they drew them with wings the size of angels themselves . Who 'd want wings that huge ? It was quite uncomfortable with the ones they had already . ' So ? ' Bob said seeing how the only reaction of the man was a huge grin on his face that was revealing a gap in his smile made from two chipped teeth . Seeing the woden sword in his hand it wasn 't that much of a surprise he ended that way . The man 's lips started forming the first words . ' Yes . . . ' Bob said just a split second quicker . The expression on the man 's face told him he guessed the question correctly . He was going to ask him if he was a real angel . ' Cool , ' the person said smiling again . There was awkward silence again . ' Your wings are trembling . . . ' the man said after a minute or so . Bob realized the cold only then . It wasn 't just cool it was freezing . He blushed a bit . ' I know that ! ' he said trying to turn his face awaDear Alex , Nick and Paul , I 'm sorry to leave like this but I feel like a leach when I 'm staying with you and eating your food and everything . So I decided to be a leach one last time and this time a big one . I borrowed food and those materials Paul have given me and the clothes too . Oh , and I 'm also borrowing 50 quid . I will give you back everything as soon as I get enough money . I 'll be alright so don 't worry . With lots of thank you hugs , Bob Bob looked once again at the note and decided it was the worst piece of crap he had ever seen . But it was better then nothing and he couldn 't bring himself to leave without any sort of goodbye . He already felt bad for everything that had happened . He attached the pink ribbon he had gotten the day before to his sack and put on some used up sandals he found in the closet feeling too bad to use Nick 's good , heavy winter boots he got from him . Apparently he had the same shoe size as him so there was no problem . He left as quickly as he heard a subtle creak from the room where everyone slept . As Alex 's calls became louder and louder his pace became quicker and quicker until he was running . He left the building and saw the sky crying along with him . Snow was falling on his already wet from tears cheeks . Even ice would quickly melt on his burning red cheeks . He noticed his tears . His heart seemed to had curled up inside of him and his chest hurt badly . He could barely catch his breath and not have a spasm of sobbing . He wanted to sit down , hide his face in his knees and start weeping and crying his eyes out . But more importantly he wanted to go back up and tell Alex he had just gone to buy bagels for breakfast before he noticed the note on he left on the kitchen table . Instead of doing that he marched on the empty streets and walked towards the tiny glimmer of sunlight looking out of the tall buildings . He corrected the rucksack hanging from his right arm . He 'd already decided he was doing it and he knew it was the rational thing to do . Especially when he could hear Alex running down the stairs and waking up everyone in the building . Bob ran and hid in the first alley he found . He was sure that Alex hadn 't given up on him just because he wasn 't waiting before the building . He deliberately lost himself in the alleys until he had no idea which way the block was . He sighed with relief at that thought . He thought about waiting for everybody to march out on the streets and then go but rejected that thought quickly . Even if hNao |
New Angeles , bright and vibrant . Even during the day the town seemed to glisten with a hint of love and brilliance . A bright day with few clouds in sight , enough to give the city a warm feeling but not a burning sensation . This was the perfect city . At least the Press wanted to make it sound like this city was the perfect place to be . Meanwhile much else was happening . " Tinley , I swear to God if you aren 't safe . . . " Ryker began his usual speech on safety . Tinley had decided to make an impromptu trip down her father 's country club , dangerous as it was . " Ryker , I will be fine . Besides I need to get away from you guys for a day . After all , it seems like when the weather gets nice more fighting happens . Especially around Center Mall since they have that nice retractable roof . It 's like good weather is a full moon for you gangs . " Tinley was trying to lighten the mood but truth still stood behind her words . She could feel her brother 's worry though through her twin sense . " Ryker . I will be safe . I always am . " Ryker cleared his throat at his sister 's statement . " Yeah , except for that one time . . . " Ryker was about to begin but Tinley just picked up her small bag and walked out of the Sons of Satan headquarters . Yes there was one time someone had laid their hands on her , but they did it because they were drunk . Not because she was a Son of Satan . Tinley always made sure to hide her face around there . She would often do all her activities during the after hours or just stay up in her apartment on the top floor of the club . She would be recognized as a Son of Satan if anyone from Faceless Assassins saw her , so she had to keep a low profile . As Tinley left and got into a bright yellow cab Ryker watched with much worry in his eyes . But he knew he couldn 't do anything to help her now . She would be fine though , as long as she went straight for the country club and didn 't wander the streets . " Weather . Making us go crazy . Yeah right , " Ryker mumbled underneath his breath , " But it 's true . It 's a nice mall . I wonder if today would be a good day . . . " Ryker slid down in a love seat in the front room of the headquarters lost in his thoughts . Planning his next moves . Meanwhile Tinley got out of the cab close to the Country Club , but instead at the East End Strip mall , " Here , take some money and deliver my bag to Winterton Country Club . " She smiled at the taxi driver , a cute smile , and he did as he was asked to do . Finally Tinley was free to wander around . She had wanted to take an adventure today , go somewhere she wasn 't supposed to go . Tinley was wearing a plain pink caped shirt , that fit tight to her body , with a pair of nice fitting faded blue denim jeans . Her signature necklace hung neatly around her neck and she wore a white knitted hat with knitted flower on it . She had made sure to look cute but not to stand out to much , she wanted to have fun and maybe meet some people today . True she had left early today because she knew the gangs would be up to no good but she also left early today so she could be free just for a little while . Although she knew Ryker would know she didn 't go straight to the country club , this whole twin sense thing sometimes got in the way of Tinley having her fun . Rowan 's face was dead serious as he stared down his opponent . One of his eyebrows raised , then lowered ; then the other raised , only to be lowered soon after . Slowly , ever so slowly , Rowan 's hand rose from his side into the air . With a sudden burst , it shot forward . " Aaaa ! " the small boy cried as he watched his piece disappear into the box . He looked up at Rowan with a face that was either about to burst into tears or an angry fit . " I didn 't see that piece ! " he accused . " He 's been there since almost the beginning , " Rowan insisted . His face had settled into a soft smile . " You just didn 't remember to keep an eye on him . " " Rowan , aren 't you being a little too hard on him ? " Rowan 's head turned toward the voice to look at the beautiful girl behind the counter . He put his hands up and shrugged as though to tell Joy it couldn 't be helped . " That you have , " Rowan agreed . Spurred on , Jason reached out and advanced his knight . Joy stepped to the table at the back of the store to watch their game more closely . That , and she had to speak with Rowan . " Sure thing , " Rowan promised , sliding a pawn forward before turning to look at his wife . No matter how often he did , it never got old . " Be safe . I 'll see you tonight . " He craned his neck upward and the two exchanged a kiss . " Heeey ~ ! There 's a little kid right here , you know ! " Jason was conspicuously examining the shelf of board games , very pointedly looking away from the lovey - dovey couple . Joy smiled softly , giving Rowan one more peck before heading out . They 'd been running it for six months now , and she still smiled whenever she looked at that sign . Despite her weak objections , Rowan had stuck her name on the front of their little business . Then again , they 'd done something similar with the two shops at the East End as well : the first was Belle of the Ball , a beauty salon ; the second was Victory - Sunday , the gun shop . After her father . . . After Joy received the two shops , she and Rowan had christened them after their family , albeit not quite as blatantly as Enjoy . Both had an extra meaning , too , but most people wouldn 't see it without at least a clue . Well , that was where she was bound today . She was due to visit this weekend , and the Steds had something to do tomorrow . Joy made her way through the parking garage to her silver Corolla , slid the key into the door to unlock it , and climbed inside . The Saturday traffic could prove to be a pain , but these were the streets she 'd learned to drive on . And as tense and worrisome ( mostly for her father ) as that had been last year , Joy had become a good driver . Pulling out of the garage , she became just another car in the street as she made her way to the East End strip mall . Joy hoped that she would see Bella there , and Victoria , too ; she wanted to enjoy the day with her sisters . She also hoped that the Sons wouldn 't do anything to ruin that . Victoria popped her bright red gum , sitting on the counter of the gun shop . " New admits ? " She asked , a smirk tugging at her lips . An old man ran this shop , Victoria allowed it to be so . He had good intentions , wanted to keep his family safe , feed them well . He paid a fine price though to keep both his shop and his home ' safe ' as well as on her turf . Victoria 's voice was low when she spoke , almost sensual . The man nodded and timidly brought over the new box . She clicked with her tongue and blew another bubble as her fingers ran lightly over cool metal . An unusual sound in the back of her throat . This was her poison . When someone were to notice she was speaking of new weaponry , they would question why she called it an ' admit ' as if it were a person admitting into the shop . To Victoria though , it was a special day when they got new weapons . New and latest weapons didn 't come often to the shop , because normally it was just refills of the older ones . There wasn 't too much need for full powered guns in the city , unless that was you were in a gang . Picking up a high - powered rifle from the box and it 's new attachment scope she clicked them together , and peered through it . " Nice , Nice Mr . Benny boy . We gotta clean attachment n ' everything . I may just uh , pick it up for myself . " She laughed , pointing the gun at the balding old man , he put his hands up in response even though the rifle hadn 't a bullet in it . Her Chicago accent was thick like syrup , and she put the gun down . " Any weapons I take will be written off your expenses , as always though . Some of these little explosives n ' such , yeah ? They look pretty good . And I 'll take off full price on ' em , meanin you 'll be saving money . It 's a good deal . " And it was , Victoria although sounding like a mobster , had a heart . A heart of black , being a vampire and all , but still a heart . She kept track of expenses though and made it a point not to trade weaponry instead of money when they were running low . Victoria wished her gang would be more open to selling drugs to the community , but for some reason no one else was too keen on the idea . " Ah , but I 'll have to check it later , yeah ? I ain 't making no deals right now . " It was still bright outside , and because Victoria was caught in the shop , she 'd be here until it became dark again . The shop had two barred up windows , it was fancy on the outside , colored well and artistic because of a friend of hers , a known criminal for ruining property and trespassing , did tag art . Graffiti . So it was a queer little shop that got a lot of recognition , they did well with it . Lot 's of fake lighting and lots of bullet proof glass cases and weapons that hung on the walls . Tilting her head back Victoria sighed , the man was quiet and put away the new weapons in the case calmly as she hopped off the counter next to the register . In the far corner was a coffee table with newspapers , magazines ( of the non deadly variety ) and a large black modern couch . Next to it a simple little coffee machine and a water carrier for the guests . Once in awhile Victoria got some cupcakes for the kiddies that came in with there parents , looking for either safety or hunting equiptment . She laid along that couch , avoiding a single spot where sunlight streaked in , and picked up the daily paper . I was at my apartment planning an assault on a crack den in West End Suburban . Some small time crew had decided that they could sell on our turf . They were wrong and were soon to be dead wrong . After 10 minutes of looking at the houses blueprints , I had decided my strategy : I 'll walk through the front door and put a crap - eating grin on my face , letting the fine gentlemen take turns at killing me . It was more tactical than that , but the sentence pretty much summed it up . I got into my crap - eating attire , put on my crap - eating helmet and went outside . I arrived outside of the den and had second thoughts , I still did not know if the place was an actual Drug house or was it just bad Intel . I was supposed to meet up with Ryker , but the street tough had sister problems . So I had to play it solo . Showtime ! That was the green light for the act , the moment when my doubts were cleared . I hit the guys head with my elbow and grappled him , pushing the guy outside . I put him against the wall . There are things in life you cannot choose : how you feel . The guy was confused and scared , but I couldn 't take prisoners . I took my karambit and stabbed him in the neck with it . Don 't judge me , I already have . I pushed him into the living room or in this case : what was left of it . There was a Stoeger coach gun on the sofa . I picked it up and checked the chamber , both rounds were loaded . Then I went for the far right room . Inside there was a dealer who was snorting his own product . He looked at me , I returned the favor by looking at him down my sights . Firing a gun is a binary choice , after whom there is a binary ending : either you live or you don 't . Then reality disagreed , just like the man with the crowbar . Kid lied : the third guy was in the toilet behind me . He hit me with the curved end . If the bastard would have been smart , he 'd have hit me with the sharp end leaving a hole in my helmet , my skull , my brain . I used the same part of my brain to launch a counter attack . As soon as he started swinging the second time , I swigged aside , attaching my hands to his head and by using his own motion I pushed him into the ground , stomping on his head until tiny bits of his brain were stuck on my sneakers . Krav - Maga at its best . I was angry at myself , because I was angry at them . . . I know that doesn 't make any sense , but I had to think of anything cool before I would leave . The headlines would scream " Bloody Murder " , " Violent vigilante unscathed " . The NAPD were closing in . I could hear their sirens . Their wail was a crescendo . I had to bail . Got on my bike and rode out of the area . Tinley was wandering around the small strip mall , quite impressed by all the stores . She was glad she got to go out today and so far no one from Faceless Assassins had bothered her . She wanted to play up her luck by going into a gun shop , Victory - Sunday , but decided against it . Ryker was already going to kill her for being here . Tinley 's stomach growled a bit and she noticed a nice little cafe at the strip mall . ' Mmm . That little place looks lovely . Maybe I could stop by and get some hot chocolate or something . After all I still have about two hours before I told my dad I would be at the club . ' The little cafe was very cute , her eyes scanned the area for anything threatening . Finding nothing bad she decided it would be safe for her to order something . " I would like a medium hot chocolate and , " Tinley stopped to think for a second , " and some kind of strawberry pastry . Anything is good with me ! " She smiled a bit at the person behind the counter who quickly got together her order . Tinley walked over to a window seat with her food and sat down in the comfy couch like booth . She smiled to herself as she took the time to enjoy being alone and unharmed . She was content with life at this moment . Ryker , on the other hand , had begun to pace around the headquarters . He didn 't know what to do today . He pulled out his phone several times to call somebody up from the gang to go and do something but he didn 't want to bother anyone . Usually people would tell him what they were going to do today , he had never really planned anything himself . " I can 't just wait around here . Maybe I should head over to the Center Mall . See if anything is happening on a Saturday . " Ryker spoke to himself as he made his decision . He pulled out his car keys , the car he had repossessed from a man who wasn 't paying his dues for Sons of Satan , and got into the silver Toyota SUV . Traffic . The usual for this time of day . He waited rather patiently in the traffic , he had never really been an angry driver . It kind of calmed him down to be driving in traffic . It gave him time to calm down from things that happen in his day to day life . Ryker found a parking spot near the very far back at the front entrance . He pulled in , parked , got out , and made sure to lock the doors . He stuffed the keys into the bottom of his right pocket , the left side of his pants had a holster for a knife for easy access that he kept hidden underneath his grey v - neck shirt . His dark jeans were tight to the fit , but not skinny jeans . He also had on a light blue thin jacket that he only wore for style . Ryker liked to look nice , or Tinley liked him to look nice . Ryker always wore whatever made him look best for Tinley 's sake . She hated that she couldn 't control what he did in the gang , she wanted to have some kind of control in her brother 's life so he allowed her to control his fashion . I arrived at the Mall 23 minutes later . The sun was bright , but something smelled rotten in the air . Never mind my broken helmet , I never thought that a single piece of clothing can make you stand out like a " streetwalker in a monastery " . I steered into the pharmacy , grabbing a small bottle of Saline Solution and a small box of butterfly bandages . I walked into the cafe , while looking around I noticed many office workers on their coffee breaks - a hard day in the office - I had one too , too many bullets to file into heads . I went into the bathroom taking off my helmet , time for First Aid 101 . It didn 't look pretty , but even if so it was just a small open wound . Using water from the sink I cleaned the blood off my face , after that I put Saline Solution on the wound . Last but not least I put the wound together and put some bandages on it . With that I was good to go , except I didn 't get my lollipop . After ordering some hot cappuccino and sitting down on a chair . I looked at the TV in front of me while taking a sip , " Breaking News " it said . My description fits 75 % of the bike rider community ! Faceless Assassins doesn 't even know how my face looks , the irony ! Good luck Sherlock ! " Hot , hot , hot ! " - I screamed under my throat . However , I just made my 15 minutes of fame as a the clown of this community . As I looked around the eyes who were attached to my groundbreaking performance and I noticed an angel sitting at a booth near the window . Tinley . . . Now if somebody would write a book about bad ideas , she would quote the whole thing and put hearth and kitty stickers around it . As I mentioned the FA did not know my face , but they knew Tinley 's . Throw the rules out the window , odds are you 'll go that way too . I got up with my cappuccino and walked up to her booth asking : Ace Colt yawned discreetly , while he was walking out of his Real Estate agency , after being buried underneath the pile of paperwork last night . Yes indeed , he never managed to get home . Luckily , his office was pretty well prepared for situations like that . He thought how he seriously needed to talk to his co - workers about getting out earlier on Fridays , and his secretary about taking and forwarding every god damn request or paper , no matter how obviously pointless it was . His hands hurt from all the stamping and signing and it was nowhere near that pleasant feeling of accomplishing something . Maybe his agency mixed up his love for work with a full - time slavery . As stated , his office had everything he needed , but he got a bit cranky last night when a couple of Faceless Assassins gang 's goons made a fuss outside the mall that was so awful he wasn 't able to work for full hour . In need of coffee , he just then realised the tragic truth . The coffee machine in his office made the worst coffee ever . His sensitive tongue was squirming and craving for tobacco instead . The same machine was driven away this morning by a garbage truck . When they found it , they weren 't able to tell what it was . Ace ACCIDENTALLY smashed and crumbled it last night when he had enough . However , nobody needed to know . He got out this morning the same way he did every other evening ; with smile and barely noticeable fatigue marks on his face . The East End Strip Mall was still pretty quiet and empty . It was Saturday so it was no wonder . Only rare dumb people would even get out of the bed this early at all . Ace proceeded to the mall cafe and was thrilled to see it was pretty much empty , and even more thrilled to find his place in the corner empty and waiting for him with neatly made menu , napkin holder and everything else . Just the way he liked it . EXACTLY the way he liked it so it meant only one thing . She was expecting him again . He smirked approaching it and sat down , leaning comfortably . As if it was a some kind of a hidden sign , the waitress caJust as he got his coffee , he thanked politely to the girl and she stepped away at once getting back to her job . That was good , she already learned when to leave him alone . It wasn 't even half an hour since he got out of the agency , and he already got a dozen of messages on his pager . Instead of grabbing it instantly to check them out , he carefully lifted a cup of black bitter coffee , that was still smoking , and took a sip , enjoying it fully . His pager beeped loudly few times , bothering his ears and small number of people in cafe , before he slowly reached to his belt and turned it off , getting back to his coffee . # 7 Tinley was busy thinking and staring out the window when she heard a voice interrupt her thoughts . " Mind if I sit down ? " Tinley turned her head to see no one other then Michael standing before her . " Shit , " Tinley whispered , not one for swearing all that often , " your face , Michael . What . . . " Tinley stopped and shook her head , clearing it . She wanted to laugh about , especially with the butterfly band aids , but she couldn 't . Though she shouldn 't be so surprised that his face was a mess . She wanted to know what he had been up to but figured she should focus on his question first , " Of course you can . " Tinley spoke with ease but in a hushed voice . Not wanting to draw attention to herself . She was slightly concerned that Michael wanted to sit with her , not because she didn 't like him or anything , but because he wasn 't known to the Faceless Assassins , where as Tinley was recognizable . But they wouldn 't make the connection hopefully . Tinley took a sip of her hot chocolate to calm her down a bit , she hated when the boys were hurt like this . Tinley sometimes acted a little motherly or sisterly towards the gang , always getting worked up about everything they did . Speaking of people she was worried about , out of the corner of her eye she also noticed Ace in the cafe . ' He probably didn 't even go home last night . I should really check up on him when he 's in the office . ' Ryker stopped in front of a television store which was broadcasting something about a vigilante . Ryker laughed , he had a pretty good guess on who this guy was . ' Well done . Well done . ' Ryker thought to himself as he kept walking . Suddenly he found himself in front of a game shop , Enjoy , was the name of it . He kind of wanted to go in and have a look around . Ryker very rarely actually went inside shops because he always wanted to spend his money on everything . He also didn 't feel comfortable being out in the open of the mall without someone else from the gang with him . And if he recalled right their was several shops that were run by the FA around the city . He didn 't know who he would run into whether out in the open or inside of a shop . Iris sat in the living room of Clyde 's new apartment . Everything was expensive and modern , complete with a glass coffee table in which she kicked her legs up on . She sat sullenly , watching some show called " Mickey Mouse Clubhouse " . She didn 't pick it , it was just what was on when she walked in . Her caretaker 's place of residence was located close to the Central Mall . She had demanded that they move even closer to the HQ , but Clyde insisted otherwise . " Brother , " Iris spoke , staring intently at the screen . Clyde finished typing a sentence for his research paper from the other side of the sleek black couch and cocked an eyebrow at the girl . " Do trains really make that sound ? " Iris nodded toward the television . A brightly colored train was animatedly bouncing around , it 's passengers waving through the windows . " Choo - choo " she insisted , peering into the older boy 's eyes with curiosity . Her face showed no sign of emotion , other than a bit of impatience . " Well , " Clyde started , giving Iris a gentle smile . " I 've never seen a train , but I 'd imagine so . If we had a train station in New Angeles I would take you there . " Iris smiled approvingly and nodded . She knew her brother would . He was a good brother . She watched silently as he ran a hand through his unkempt greying hair . That scared her , seeing his body change in such a way . He was dying . Slowly , but surely . He suddenly stood up , casting a reassuring glance at the girl . " I 'll get you some coffee . " He walked into the kitchen , turning around a moment later , " and please , keep your feet on the ground . I may be a doctor , but you have a nasty habit of breaking things that even I can 't afford . " Iris obediently complied , eyes returning to the television . It was a commercial . I wonder if big brother found anything about … them . Her brow furrowed in annoyance . Many days they 've had conversations about the Faceless Assassin people who ambushed them all those years ago . So many arguments , so many headaches … The blonde girl slammed her tiny hand onto the glass table . She wanted to see them dead . But no , Clyde didn 't agree . They never seemed to agree as of late . She thought she remembered Ace , or someone else from the HQ saying that people tend to " soften with age " . She hoped that wasn 't what was happening to Clyde . That would make him more susceptible to attack , more endanger , more likely to - " Here , Iris . Coffee . " , the tall figure leaned down and placed a pretty piece of china in front of her . The contents steamed . Taking the cup in both hands , she winced at the burn . Clyde took the remote to the flat screen , flipping through channels . Suddenly , a Breaking News message blared up from the corner of some sitcom rerun . " The names of the victims murdered this morning have been disclosed ! A certain Vincent Demorvic was found murdered - " Iris trembled as hot coffee seared into her skin . The cup fell from her hands , shattering on the ground . She immediately glared at Clyde , daring him to reprimand her . The man in turn only slumped his shoulders in defeat . " Don 't act like you didn 't hear that name . " she whispered , anger bubbling up inside of her . " That was one of them . The one I 've been trying to kill for YEARS ! " she exclaimed , feeling familiar heat brew inside of her . Clyde nodded slowly , knowing better than to instigate the fiery girl . However , instead of escalating , the girl simply deflated . The news continued for a while , but nobody paid attention . Iris put her head in her hands and wearily massaged her head . " I 'm sorry for breaking your cup , brother . If you want I can pay you back . " " No … you make your money by stealing anyway . It 's only a cup . " he sighed and reached around the couch for the dustpan and broom he always kept nearby . Patting her head , he began sweeping up the mess under her feet . " Why don 't you go and take a walk ? I have a big paper I need to do for work , anyway . I 'm sure someone in your … group … knows more about the murder than I do . You should ask around . " Iris made a face , inspecting the burns that covered her arms . " I don 't like talking to them . They 're … not like you , brother . " she murmured , but stood up nonetheless . She knew better than to bother Clyde too much when he was swamped with work . Briskly , she turned and left the apartment , making her was to HQ . Coffee lasted shorter than he thought it would . He thought it was because of him subconsciously being in a hurry , on the impulse by the sound of his beeper , or it was just the fact that for the last couple of minutes his god damn phone wouldn 't stop vibrating in his pocked . If it 's not the one , then it 's the other . Ace sighed and put down almost empty cup , taking out his phone that at that point vibrated once more . There was only several people that had his private phone number ; gang members and his secretary . And this time it was the secretary . She knew better than to call him that persistently . Unless it was something really important . Ace frowned and touched the green icon that appeared on his phone 's touch screen . As much as he wanted to yell out " WHAT ? ! " , it wasn 't really polite . So instead , only a polite " Yes , April ? What is it ? " At that point a loud excited voice wrecked his ears , partially because it was actually loud and partially because of his ears , and he was forced to pull the phone a bit away from his ear before he gets a headache . " Mister Colt ! I am so sorry to disturb you ! I have something important ! " Ace proceeded calmly and a bit sarcastically but it seemed she never noticed . " Well who would have thought ? Not like you called me around thousand times in the past hour . " " I am so sorry , once again ! But there was a call from that snobby guy . He decided to buy the house . And . . . there were several other calls but . . . I guess you got them all by fax . " Ace rolled his eyes gently . " Oh joy . More work it is . " As if she felt guilty , his secretary proceeded . " I hope you won 't have this against me , sir . I am nowhere near the city right now . I would help if . . . " He chuckled . She was so predictable . " April . Please , I got this . Have fun . Your working place will still be waiting for you once you get back . " Not waiting for her to answer , he said his goodbye and pressed the red icon to end the call . She will have fun alright , but she knew she will have all of that work to do when she gets back . He can 't fire her , but He can for sure make her work harder . In all honestly , " can 't " is a strong word . He could , but he won 't . She was the only one of candidates that was married and worth of something , and not just sitting there , looking pretty with her eyes all over her boss . That disgusted him . April was just right . A bit lazy at times maybe , but just right , and he would gladly keep her even though she had left him hanging on this one . He shoved his phone back into his pocket , and drank what was left of his coffee . As he raised his head , he noticed a familiar pink vest . He chuckled speaking to himself . " Well if it isn 't the tiny lady Winterton ? " He couldn 't help but wonder what was she doing there and that early . He was even surprised he hadn 't noticed her before . His fatigue was stronger than he though . Considering their location , it was pretty risky to even look at the girl . Instead of letting her know he is there , he slowly got up and left money and a tip for the waitress on the table . One more reason that girl liked him ; his tips were off the charts . As he looked at him and nodded , letting him know all is in order , he winked at her charmingly and walked out leaving her to blush . He wasn 't indifferent with leaving while Tinley was there , but the Faceless Assassins wouldn 't do anything that reckless with so many people around . Or so he assumed . Even so , he would hear it . Agency wasn 't so far away , and he had a ton of work to do . Once he entered the agency and was greeted by a security guy , he instantly got to his office , just to find his fax machine going wild . He used to leave it on , so everything would be ready when he gets back . To Ace , every second was important when it came to work . He felt the new wave of strength while he piled up papers on his desk . He surprisingly worked for a long time , before he stopped to get some rest when even his glasses did no good to save his eyes from burning . He had quite strange habits when it came to " resting his eyes for a second " . He would simply lean chin on his up straight arm and doze off for a while . And this time he did just that . As I sat down , the stench that I mentioned became a picture , the same cafe , the same people , only black and white . The world became noire . I caught a glimpse of mister Colt leaving the cafe , not Samuel , our Colt ! The world was getting too small for comfort , but whom was I getting paranoid , over a guy who worked nearby . Colors started to run again . My guts were telling me that something was going on around here . Like i 'd care : I am a dumb move guy . At best I would just fight whatever they threw at me . Tinley sighed silently to herself as Ace walked out . He seemed over worked but their wasn 't anything she could do about it . But she continued to watch Michael , worried for him to . " Oh , well of course I am . You think Ryker would let me down here without him ? Or even at all ? " She slightly laughed at herself , Ryker seriously would have her head if he knew . Tinley picked up her drink and swished it around in a circular motion to stir it . Her green eyes stared intently at the cup and the pastry that she was slowly eating . She never really had much of an appetite these days , she only ate when her stomach growled or one of her headaches kicked in . But after only a few bites her stomach was filled . " Michael , are you okay ? " She decided to out right ask him plainly . She looked up to meet his eyes , she wished she could do more for the gang . They did so much for her , digging her out of trouble , giving her and her brother a place to stay . She felt like if she she should do more but wasn 't sure what to do . Joy dropped the key into her purse as she climbed out , hitting the lock and closing the door . She made her way onto the sidewalk leading down the line of stores . Victory - Sunday lay behind her , and she intended to pay a visit later ; but she needed to go to Belle first . She made her way past the shops one by one - - Verizon , the pawn shop , Comixon Me , the cafe . . . A face in the window surprised Joy , but she covered it instantly . She reached into her purse to dig out her phone as she passed the cafe , her footsteps not wavering . It took four rings before a lazy voice answered on the other end . " Whaaaat ? " " Then get cocoa ! " Joy ordered , her voice forceful but still held low . " The Winterton sister is at Mo 's . Go look at who the man with her is . " " Aw maaaan , " was the last thing Joy heard as she hung up . She had reached Belle of the Ball , so she ended the call and put her phone away . The young girl stepped inside . This early on a Saturday , the place was empty . Most customers would be coming in the afternoon to prepare for their busy evening . That suited Joy fine ; she needed to speak with Jess alone , and she wanted to get her nails done while she was here . Unsurprisingly , Jess herself came out to greet Joy . The other girls had the slow morning off to enjoy as they pleased , but Jess wouldn 't ever leave the store she 'd been entrusted with unmanned . A soft smile filling her face , Jess greeted Joy with a kiss on each cheek . " Welcome back , love . What will it be for tonight ? " " Don 't you know ? It 's Mother 's Day tomorrow . The first one since Mrs . Sted became my mother . We 're going to visit , and I 'd like to leave a good impression . " " Not yet . But it 's about to , " Joy answered . The face in the mirror stared back with a worried frown . Something was about to change ; it was in the air . The whole city of New Angeles was bracing for whatever it would be . Joy wished she knew what was coming ; the uncertainty frightened her . Turk sidled his way into the cafe . His pinched face held its typical smile - - more of a smirk , really , and completely unsettling - - as he ordered a cup of cocoa to go . As he pulled his wallet from his back pocket , several coins went clattering to the ground . Most stopped at his feet , but a few rolled off ; one even made it clear to the corner before stopping . Turk quickly bent to collect the spilled currency , chasing after the runners and leaving an annoyed cashier behind him . He grabbed the quarter in the corner and lifted it up to the sunlight streaming in through the window . It seemed like he was examining it , only depositing it in his pocket after he was satisfied . The Winterton girl had her back to him , but the man she was with could see his antics . Turk 's body was facing the man the entire time . Turk whipped his phone out from the same pocket the coin had just been placed in . He raised it up to the light for an inspection similar to the coin 's before bringing it down in front of his face . He hesitated just for a moment as it dipped below eye level , blocking Turk 's face from the man at the booth ; then he raised it up to the light again and gave it an even closer scrutiny . " Nooope , no scratch . Just my imaginnnnation . " Turk stuffed his phone back into his pocket and returned to the cashier , the poor girl having passed peeved and approaching angry . " Sorry ' bout thaaaat . How much waaas it again ? " Jason tried to protest , but Rowan was hustling him along with gentle pushes . When the small boy was finally out the door , he gave in and started to jog away . Rowan waved him off , then turned to go back into the shop . He stopped when his eye caught a potential customer , though . " Hm ? Hello , good sir ! You look like a man in need of a game ! " Rowan had already matched a name to the face before he 'd even begun to speak : Ryker Winterton , one of the most troublesome Sons they 'd identified so far . But Rowan had promised himself he 'd keep Enjoy ! ! separate from the gang disputes , no matter what . And Rowan wasn 't known as an Assassin , either , so he had no reason to show hostility to the man . They 'd never met before , after all . And , as unlikely as it was , perhaps Ryker was just a misguided soul who joined the Sons for something foolish like glory or money . Victoria licked her lower lip and pinched her gum between her fingers to throw in the trash . " Benny baby . " She said , and he looked up with a startle as she walked over , purposely swaying her hips and leaning over the counter with her shoulders pressed forward to show off her chest . She wore a low V neck black shirt , and simple dark wash skinnies with black heels . She was a bit curvy at her hips and thighs , her chest balanced it out though . It wasn 't exactly an hourglass shape , but it wasn 't a bad shape either . " I need a favor yeah ? " She clicked her tongue and gave him an inviting smile , her fangs pressing against her full lower lip . He had wide eyes looking at her , obviously trying to keep his eyes on her face . He knew she was bad news to fuck around with . Anyone would know that really . He swallowed slowly , his eyes flickering down and up again . " A - anything . " He nodded , he was a chubby man with a receding gray hairline and wide hazel eyes . He wore an " America " Tee - shirt , with jeans and was kind of short . She had known him in his younger days when he was a veteran and much more pleasant looking than this . Nodding her head forward her dark curls fell with her smirk . " Anything ? " She purred . She reached her hand out slowly and touched his chest with her index finger , running it down , " Grenade . " She whispered , her eyes heavy lidded and almost closed . There faces closed . The words obviously caught the man off guard , surely he could smell the scent of blood on her breath and the fear of being so close to razor teeth got to him . Because he shook as she came closer , nose almost touching his neck . " What ? " He stuttered , afraid to take a step back and afraid not to . " Are you making me ask twice ? " She demanded , her eyes hard as she closed in . He seemed to snap out of it almost immediately . " No , I got - I got it . " He said , stepping back and she hopped back on the counter with a winning smile and a wink as he fumbled to unlock the case and give her the last grenade . Holding it in her hands he eyed her out of the corner of his eye in fear . Surely she wasn 't that stupid to blow the whole place up ? But maybe not . . . She fondled it though , almost childishly and he sheepishly sat down in a little metal chair behind the register . " Thanks Benny boy ! " She chittered , running her fingers over the grooves in the bomb . A few groans emerging from beneath as heap of blankets , which seemed like it was on a bed . Then a skinny toned figure bursted through the blankets , in fright sweat dripping down his face . His eyes looking about the dark room his chest moving quickly as he took sharp breathes , Grappling to his hair he stepped out of the bed his height that of an amazing 6 ' 0 , He was normally embarrassed by his lanky body and his height but when he took up boxing he had begun to enjoy it . Walking along the way to a speed bag on the wall , he began to hit it repeatedly . The constant thud of the bag filling the quiet room of darkness , his sharp breathing and his quick moving arms cutting the dark as if it was a knife . His hand then slamming into the wall due to missing the bag , he reeled back onto one foot " AW GOD ! AUGH ! " and fell over onto the bed holding his hand " O god that hurts so bad " Rolling onto the floor he continued to groan until his alarm went off . He looked up to the time 3 : 30 Am , " Shit . . " he stood up and walked into the bathroom and preformed his daily duties , and came back out of the bathroom naked and fumbling about for his clothing " WERE IS IT ! " he opened a draw and pulled out some black underwear " Hah my lucky underwear , perfect " he continued to get dressed , His outfit of black loose fitting jeans and a black t - shirt . He grabbed his camera case and his guitar case and opened the door kicking a skate board out the door with him and closing it behind himself . He was riding with his guitar case on his back and his camera case held in hand , he rode his skateboard easily with all this on him , he doesn 't normally take his car due to the fact that it is to loud when he is trying to sneak up and take photos . He came to a stop in front of the mall and chuckled as he made rest next to one side of the doors , he set his case up in front of him and pulled his guitar out , as he leaned on one of the glass windows and strummed his guitar . Moving his long hair to one side and began playing , He usually did this on saturdays or randomly throughout the week to collect money and to let people know there is still happiness in this city . He began to play happy by Pharell on his guitar actually , he like to bring in multiple music styles when playing and he even sung along with it . He was still outside playing music , his genre had switched a few time and now he was playing Demons , by Imagine Dragons on his guitar , He was skilled in guitar and semi skilled on piano but he can 't just drag a piano around could he . People had dropped money in and continued walking like usual , but the main reason he was here is to scope of the members of the different gangs as most of them usually pass right through here , and act like some people don 't notice them but Icee does he always does . No one can slip his sight , . . . except those vampires and werewolves . . . god damnit . He continued to play and occasionally looked up to the crowd . " Michael , are you okay ? " - The magic words that created the discussion that would last for years to come . So for now I had to answer how I felt at the moment . " Yeah princess , I 'm fine , just had a reminder about my mortality . " - Death is inevitable . Our fear of it makes us play safe , blocks out emotion . It 's a losing game . Without passion you are already dead . I had no worries . No worries at all . The first bat " Culpa " comes home with blood dripping off his fangs . He says , " See that castle over there ? I drank the blood of the prince . " The third bat " Insperanti " comes back covered in blood . He says , " See that castle over there ? " The other bats nod . " Well , " says the third bat , " I didn 't . " Ryker wasn 't sure if he should take the man 's offer , after all it dawned on him he should probably go back to the HQ in case somebody was there and ready to do something crazy . But a part of Ryker wanted to look around the shop . Ryker grinned slightly at the man , who he didn 't recognize to be an FA , " I think a game would be nice . " Ryker stepped a little farther into the game shop and then said , " What do you suggest ? " Ryker honestly had played games in a long time , they seemed pointless to him . He had so many other things to do besides play games . After all he was always on call for jobs . Tinley wanted to say something about mortality but decided against it and instead listened intently to Michael 's joke , hoping she would understand it . Sometimes she just didn 't understand Michael , he seemed so complex . Although she didn 't understand the " joke " she figured it had a deeper meaning behind it , something about life . Maybe about mortality ? Tinley was thrown off guard with this question , nobody really bothered to ask her this kind of question . In the midst of troubled times Tinley always had her composure . The day she got in that car accident with her mother and brother she was the one who laughed it off , even as they told her that their mom had died on impact . She was the steady one , the one who never did anything dangerous . " Oh . Um , " Tinley didn 't know how to respond . A part of her wanted to get something off her chest but the other part screamed at her to keep it together , " Nah . I 'm good . I always am . As long as everyone is safe then everything is okay . " It looks like the screaming side one over , it usually did . " Hmm . High school - no , college age student , male . " Rowan stepped around behind the counter as he thought it over . " Settlers of Catan is popular , as is Ticket to Ride . Risk will always be a classic , so if you don 't have a set I 'd suggest it . If you want something that won 't take as long , Phase 10 and Uno are both good card games . Oh , I 've got it ! Curses . Guaranteed to make you and your friends laugh hysterically and cry in frustration , possibly at the same time . " Rowan pointed to each box on the shelf as he mentioned it . Rowan took a moment to look back at the customer . Most of what he was saying was probably blowing right over him . That wouldn 't do ; Rowan needed to do a better job of making customers feel welcome , not just peddle his wares . " Sorry , I think I 'm going a bit fast . Do you want something strategic , something more luck - based , or a party game of some kind ? " Turk picked up his cup and left the cafe , his phone appearing once again from its pocket . He went back into the comic shop next door , setting the hot drink down on the front counter . " It 's all yooours , Nate . " Leaving the young man running the shop with the small gift , Turk dropped back onto his large beanbag and sent off the message he 'd finished typing , then picked up the action manga he 'd been forced to leave off . " Maaaan , what a pain . Just for some guys pictuuuure . " When that kid walked through the door , he gave me a good lesson . If you think nothing can get to you , you 're lying to yourself . At best you 're dead . Heck , even then a lightning bolt could re - animate you without a warning . She lied , at least I think she did . The fact that her face said it and she had hesitated to say it the first time made me think like that . Not only that , ironically , she was performing the action that could cause the opposite reaction : sitting in this exact cafe . Ryker watched and listened to the guy and laughed a little at all his comments towards games . ' Guaranteed to make you and your friends laugh hysterically and cry in frustration , possibly at the same time , eh ? Most of my friends can 't laugh . But still . Fun ! ' Ryker had been so relaxed in days . " How about a game that I can play with my sister ? She likes things that make her laugh and require not a lot of thinking . " Ryker also thought about the gang , if he got a game that didn 't require a lot of thinking then maybe they would jump in and play to . Who knows , if he brought it back to HQ then maybe he could start a big group game and they could relax for once in their lives . Tinley paused for a second for the second time today . Real answer or fake answer ? Truth or small lie ? Open up or keep closed ? Again the lying part yelled at her so she responded , " I 'm just going to my dad 's , " but then suddenly she decided to tell him what she really wanted to do , show that little side of her that she didn 't show often , the wannna - be rebellious side , " but God knows that that 's not what I want to do . Hell , I want to go do something today . Something crazy or just a little stupid . Instead of being locked up on the top apartment at the club . I don 't have a brother telling me no today . And if I came really late to my dad 's I don 't think he would notice . " Tinley looked down at her hot chocolate , now empty , and what was still left of her food . Still only two bites out of it and she wasn 't going to eat anymore . She had told herself once she was done she was going to leave , but now she just couldn 't . Maybe she came to the cafe today to find trouble , to just try to do something different . Although the girl was a " goody good " she still had that secret long for adventure . Something to give her a rush . No she didn 't want to get into a fight or do anything terrible , just do something she had never been allowed to do before . Push some limits . Go into dirty waters . It was the side of her that her brother often rejected so he could keep her safe . Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . Here on Iwaku , we 're all about giving you the freedom to write anything you want while providing a safe and friendly community to do it in . Our site contains forum roleplay , chat roleplay , group roleplay , private roleplay , as well as other methods for living your stories . We are a community ran by REAL PEOPLE ! We are not a corporation or a company . 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This man loves his ice cream ! Last week , my niece , Hannah , and I went to spend the day with my grandfather before we left for our week - long trip to Florida to pick up my daughter . It 's always a pleasure to spend the day with him . We did our usual run of going out to eat Chinese ( Grandpa loves to go to the buffet in town ) , grocery shopping , bill paying and getting the mail , and Grandpa 's newest obsession is to go to the little Village Scoop Shop in Colchester Village . It 's not one of those " creemee " ice cream joints with soft ice cream in weird flavors . This place is hardcore . They have REAL ice cream . The hard kind with amazing flavors and toppings and it tastes like real ice cream . He usually gets a chocolate sundae with marshmallow topping , hot chocolate syrup , whipped cream , and a cherry . I 've fallen in love with the peanut butter fudge ice cream . It has ribbons of fudge through it along with pieces of peanut butter cups . Hannah was going to get a creemee ( they only serve vanilla , chocolate , or twist in creemee flavors ) but when she tried my ice cream , she changed her mind . She got Reese 's Pieces on top . I think I 'll have to add those the next time I go . Ice creams were perfect on a hot day . My grandfather asked Hannah if she wanted to get seconds and she said she was full . I honestly think that if someone went up for seconds , Grandpa would totally have gone through with it for himself , too . The only reason he didn 't was probably because he didn 't want to look like a piggy ! I have always been close to all of my grandparents and I think it 's so important for my kids to be , as well . I believe the same thing of my niece and nephew so I 'm glad that Hannah was able to go along . I had to take these pictures of my Grandpa 's creations in his bathroom . They always crack me up and there 's always something new to look at . He 's a very particular man , especially now that he 's gotten older . When I clean his bathroom , he makes sure to let me know that I CAN ' T knock his " castle " over . He doesn 't use the garden tub behind this " castle " which is a good thing because I can 't imagine having to put that up again every time he uses the tub . He uses paper towel and toilet paper rolls , cotton balls , and his own hair . Yes , you read that right . He uses his own hair . Now that he 's getting older , he loses more of it when he combs it and he also thins it himself using his scissors . He has such thick and full hair . Always has . Doesn 't it figure that the guys always get the better hair than the women do ? See all those little gray balls ? Those are made from his hair . He rolls it together in his palms until they 're as symetrical as he can get them . I joke with him and tell him that it keeps him busy and off the streets at night so he doesn 't feel like he needs to turn tricks . Those hair balls ( my mom and I laugh every time we say that ) are very light and so round . He makes them in different sizes and then places them in order from smallest to largest . See that crock in the back ? My brother bought that for Grandpa one year except he 's got so many gray hairs now that he 's run out of room to put them in the jar . This is the newest of his creations and literally made me laugh out loud when I saw it . He usually has his combs and scissors set up in a particular pattern . Even the scissor blades match the diamond tile on his counter but it was the sign above them that really made me laugh . He has such a creative and brilliant mind and he 's always been one for quips and puns . The acutal screw in place of the word , " screw , " was genius . We may not be climbing mountains or going bungee jumping , but life is always an adventure when I 'm with my Gramps . Posted at 11 : 11 AM in Adventures , Gramps , Summer 2012 | Permalink I have trouble sitting still . I seem to need something to keep me busy whether it 's a book to read or something to keep my hands moving . Even when I go down to the lake with Zach and sit on the beach , I bring something along to keep some part of me moving . Yesterday , I brought some felt and beads to work with , but after a while , I realized that I was missing out on some amazing views of my boy doing what he does best - being a free spirit . I put my handwork down and just sat and enjoyed the wonder that is Zach . I love this picture with Zach in the background running along the lake shore . Sometimes I need to remind myself to put stuff down and be willing to sit still and simply watch ; to pick up my head and look for the extraordinary in the ordinary . I took a walk down to the water and found this amazing stone art that was left behind by some creative person . Every little detail had me fascinated . This sweet , young couple came down to the lake and sat on the big log that always seems to be in a new place when we arrive at the beach . I couldn 't help but think of David and I when we were on our honeymoon and so in love . We sat on beaches like this and sat just like that . This couple were trying to take pictures of themselves and so I asked them if they wanted me to take some for them with their camera . They stood up and posed a few times and then I told them how adorable they looked sitting on the log and asked if they wanted me to take a picture like that . When they were looking through the pictures I took , that was their favorite one . As enjoyable as it is to sit on the beach and work on something I love , I 'm so glad that I put my work down and looked around to see what other moments of wonder and peace other people were taking in . I 'm glad I got to share in some of those moments , as well . Posted at 09 : 51 AM in Adventures , Everyday life , Lake Champlain , Summer 2012 , Zach | Permalink If you saw this sweet older gentleman ( that looks a lot like a human version of Papa Smurf ) , wouldn 't you want to go for a walk with him or take him home to dote over ? This is my Grandpa . He 's 83 years old and has a little trouble with his memory and needs some help here and there since he no longer drives . I have the privilege of spending a day a week with him taking him to his appointments , going out for lunch , doing grocery runs , and anything else we dream up . He has a childlike wonder of nature and chocolate ice cream that I find so endearing . I count it a blessing to have these days with my Gramps . After his doctor 's appointment , he asked me if I wanted to go to the ice cream parlor . I didn 't even realize there was one close by . This man loves chocolate ice cream unlike anything I 've seen before . I 've never even seen a child that loves ice cream as much as he does . We drove over and he ordered a 4 - scoop cone that he had to put into a dish because we were afraid it was going to topple . I found it hilarious that he kept adding more ice cream from the dish to the cone to keep it going . There was no one else in the parlor . . . . it seems we came at the right time . He said that the place is usually overflowing with people . We sat in the air conditioned foyer and had a friendly debate over which ice cream was better - his chocolate or my peanut butter fudge . Neither of us was going to budge so we agreed to disagree . After we had our ice cream , he asked if I wanted to see Colchester Pond . I 'd never been there before but he 's talked about how lovely it was in the past and we were close by so I said , " Why not ? " We ended up taking the " scenic route , " which is short - hand for " drive 20 minutes on five different roads to go to a place that we should have found in 5 minutes . " Poor Gramps , he had trouble remembering which roads I needed to take even though he 'd directed my parents there the day before without one missed turn . He felt really bad about having me take the " long way around , " and even said , " I didn 't think I 'd ever get this dumb . " I told him that he 's not dumb , he just has a little trouble remembering every now and then . I also told him that it was such a pretty drive and it was nice to spend the time together . That made him feel less " dumb . " He is such a lover of nature and I caught him picking some wildflowers . . . . . . . which he put in his shirt pocket as a faux boutonniere . It went well with his choice of shirt . He said he was going to pick some for me but it started sprinkling at that moment and the sky looked like it could open up at any minute so we headed back to the truck . This was one of my favorite outings with Grandpa so far . He 's in his natural element when he 's outside . I definitely think that my son , Zach , gets a lot of his love for nature from my grandfather . On my way home , the sky DID open up and the power throughout South Burlington and Shelburne blew out when a huge lightning strike came down . All of the traffic lights were dark right at rush hour . Fortunately people were courteous and treating intersections as if they were 4 - way stops without lights and taking turns , but it was a long drive home . And now it 's time for me to stick my nose in my textbook and get some homework done . Hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday ! It 's ironic that this boy - child of mine never liked to have his routine switched up but now that he 's older , he 's very spontaneous as long as it 's on his terms . His interest in something can be diverted so quickly that it makes my head spin . I suppose it 's only fair that I be flexible with him because I expected it so much from him when he was younger . As Zach and I were driving home from church on Sunday , I drove slowly over the railroad tracks about a mile from our house . He likes this because it enables him to look both ways down the track to see if there 's a train coming . If there was , I would have had to stop because he loves to watch the train cars go by . He can sit for hours at the computer and watch YouTube videos of trains if we let him . As I drove past the tracks , Zach insisted that we stop so he could walk over them so I pulled off to the side and let him do just that . I had no idea that Zach 's plan was to walk across the trestle and to the other side . Underneath the trestle is a 20 - foot drop to a creek and a lot of rocks . I tried to get him to turn around and come back but he was having no part of it . I got close enough to the trestle to see that , even if his foot slipped , there wasn 't enough room for him to go completely through . He leg would go through probably to his thigh , but that 's it . I breathed a little sigh of relief and let my child be the spontaneous adventurer he wanted to be . He was oh - so - proud of himself when he reached the other side . Then he made his way back . When he got back , he told me that he was a little scared because he could see between the rails down into the gorge but he wanted to be brave and conquer his fears . The rails were quite hot on Sunday so he didn 't keep his hand on there too long . His curiosity about everything around him is entertaining to watch and I usually learn so much in the process . He is full of random facts of information that astound me . When Zach does things that he is proud of himself for , he 's one to look back at it and stare with a feeling of accompliPosted at 06 : 26 PM in Adventures , Zach | Permalink He may be a teenager now , but that doesn 't stop him from the passions of his younger years . Bugs are something that Zach has loved for as long as I can remember . They 've captured his interest and his heart and it 's something I hope never fades . It 's part of what defines him . Since we moved to our house 4 years ago ( seen in the upper right corner ) , one of the traditions that Zach and I share through the " cricket months , " as Zach likes to call them , is to go across the street so that he can go cricket hunting . I bring my lawn chair over and set it up in the field and bring the girl - dogs with me . I usually bring a book , but now I bring a textbook so I can keep on top of my college studies . I turn my chair towards the mountains and away from the road . When we first moved here , there was hay in this field . Last year , the farmer swapped crops and put corn in . Next year will probably be the last corn crop before it turns to hay again . I 'm not going to be able to enjoy this view from the field for too much longer . Eventually the corn will be too high and I won 't be able to fit my chair in there . It was a wee bit too hazy yesterday so Mt . Mansfield ( Vermont 's highest peak ) wasn 't visible . I love that I can see the Green Mountains the from the front of my house and the Adirondack Mountains ( in New York ) from the back of my house . We were truly blessed when we got this house . One of the many great things about our school district is that Zach is part of a program that works with autistic kids and they have 6 weeks of summer services . He 's in the program from 8 : 30 am to 2 : 30 pm Mondays through Fridays ( this week , though , they have vacation ) . They get to do all sorts of fun outings and some academic stuff to keep current so they don 't regress when they go back to school in the fall . Zach 's team has come up with some amazing ways to help with behavior modification and part of that is using a token system to earn things he likes . He was finally able to earn this Bug Podz Habitat Construction set that he 's been wanting for a while . He can build it however he wants to and he can also add on more if he ever wants to get another set . I think he 's changed the dynamics of the habitat two or three times since he brought it home on Friday . What he really want to put in there are fruit flies and a piece of banana and see how many multiply over a short amount of time . I told him that was fine with me as long as he let them go outside and not in the house ! Yes , we 've had trouble with him letting bugs out in the house MANY times . In fact , last week , he let a bunch of house flies in the house and we made him catch them all and put them back outside . I 'm wondering if it 's the " thrill of the hunt " for him . Here 's the only cricket that he was able to catch yesterday . They were very elusive and hiding under the rocks to stay cool and every time Zach picked up a rock , they would make a quick getaway . Here 's his " serious " face . The boy needs a shower bad ! : ) And here 's one that I took of me while I was sitting in the field . Posted at 01 : 03 PM in Adventures , Zach | Permalink Today has been a pretty lazy summer day . Last night , around 6 pm , I fell asleep on the couch and didn 't wake back up until 9 pm . I watched Whale Wars ( one of my favorite shows on Animal Planet ) and then headed to my computer to tool around online . I went back to bed at midnight and slept till 9 am . It was a lot of much needed sleep . I spent some time watering the garden before the sun was fully overhead as we haven 't had much rain at all this week . I don 't even remember the last time we had rain . It seems this hot and sunny weather is all we 've been having this summer . I found some really irritating beetles taking over my squash plants and looked them up online to find that they are cucumber beetles . They are nasty little buggers that go for anything in the squash family and eat away the leaves and infest the plant so that it wilts and dies . I 'm hoping that we 've caught them before they 've done too much damage . It 's a bit late in our abbreviated growing season up here in the northeast to plant more . I found a natural remedy online that I sprayed on the plants earlier today , making sure to get the mating couples that were " doing it " on my leaves . Ew ! If we lose these plants , I 'm going to be mighty put out . Last year , we had such a horrible growing season and the only thing we got out of our MASSIVE garden was green beans . We 're still eating them from the freezer , a year later ! I 've never had any trouble with striped cucumber beetles . In fact , this is the first time I 've ever seen them . There are SO many of them ! The last two years , we 've lost our tomato plants to blight . This year , I made sure to buy them from an organic grower that was at least 40 min . south of us so there was no worry of cross contamination in the air . I also rotate all of my vegetables so nothing grows in the same spot year after year . The tomatoes are looking really good and we have some green ones growing already . Now we 're just waiting until they start to ripen to see if we lose them or not . The last two years , just as the tomatoes ripened , they would get black on the bottom and shrivel all the way up in what seemed like overnight ! I 've already lost two of my broccoli plants , a pepper plant , one tomato plant , and an eggplant plant this year . I 'm not sure why . The other plants all look really healthy . Something is also getting to my bean plants this year , something we 've never had to worry about years before . I highly doubt we have any deer or rabbits , especially with 3 big dogs patrolling the yard . Nothing would even dare get close , so it must be bugs of some kind . Zach and I took a trip down to our town 's beach . It 's a little beach overlooking Kingsland Bay and something really only the locals know about . The water is really shallow for quite a ways out so you can walk out about 40 feet into the lake and it would only be up to about your waist . There 's a quick drop off farther out that make it possible for boats to moor out there , but it 's ideal for kids . The sandy beach is a great place to sit and read and there 's a nice green lawn above the beach with a couple of picnic tables . The lake level is a bit low right now since it 's been a while since we 've had any rain . Zach loves to fish in the shallows with his net . He 's pretty impressive when it comes to catching fish because he does it with a net with no handle . The " no handle " thing isn 't a special trick or anything . . . he just loses the handle or breaks it by accident . He caught a bunch of baby catfish , minnows ( he calls them Tuckerfish - not sure why but it 's a cute name that he 's called them sinThere was a little pop of color on the beach next to the large downed tree trunk that I was sitting on in the shade . I love wild flox . It grows in the most understated places . There was only this small bunch on this dry beach and it was perfect placement while I was reading some magazines . I love watching Zach on the beach . When he wants me to take him to the water , he always suggests , " Mom , can you take me to catch fish ? You can sit on the beach and read a book . It will be perfect ! " How can I say no to something like that ? I treasure those moments . Posted at 07 : 56 PM in Adventures , Zach | Permalink Girly was wondering what she was going to do with her cousins here yesterday . I told her she 'd figure something out . And so she did . I 'm not sure who had the idea first but this is what I was called over to see as I was hanging a load of laundry on the line ( in spite of the horrible weather Irene caused here in Vermonton Sunday , yesterday was beautiful out ) . Girly and Hannah took all the wood scraps out of this utility bin that David brought home from work and plugged up the holes ( not sure with what ) , added what looks like a carboard sail and hauled it into the pool . The best part , though , was when my niece got into the bin . . . . . and for your enjoyment , I got it on video ! ( yes , at 1 : 27 , Girly does go off to the side and pees in the grass - sigh ) I lose it at 2 : 53 - I couldn 't help it ! These kids remind me so much of the fun we used to have as kids in the summer . We were always coming up with something crazy and creative . Also , Hannah covered part of herself in mud . I recently had a small art camp here at the house and even though there were only 3 children ( including Girly ) , we all had a blast ! We mostly worked on canvas but the girls were having so much fun and were finishing their projects so quickly that I was able to add some extra projects into the class . One of the girls asked if we could do splatter painting and I thought , why not ? I gave each of the kids a big cut of multi - purpose cloth ( it feels like canvas ) and set them up in the front yard . We watered down a rainbow of acrylic paints and used all sorts of brush sizes and then the splattering began . It was so fun to watch them come up with crazy splatter patterns , add more colors , decide which color they needed next . The girls even painted the palms of their hands and the soles of their feet to add a bit more of themselves to the canvases . They washed off at the spicket on the back of the house and then we came inside to add " extras " to their canvases - ribbons , fibers , painted bottle caps , fabric shapes and letters and then we added ribbons at the top so they could be hung up at home . I love how different they all turned out to be . One canvas was hung while it was drying so that the paint could drip down ( on the left ) . The girls were so proud of their creations ! There 's never a dull moment here at the Martin house . Zach has recently taken to climbing trees . He said that he wants to start a camp for kids called " Tree Climbing Camp . " Of course , in order for him to have a camp , he has to know just how to climb trees . Zach is pretty much fearless when it comes to stuff like this . For a while , he was climbing trees with his Crocs on . Never let it be said that there 's nothing you can 't do with Crocs on . I think Zach has pretty much found a way to do everything with Crocs on , including tree climbing . I got too worried about him slipping in a tall tree , so we got rid of the Crocs so that he has no choice but to use his sneakers . Not everyone is as excited about Zach 's talents as he is . We 've been " talked to " by the grounds keeper at the doctor 's office , he 's been scolded by the lifeguards at the community pool and he 's been chided by the manger at Toys R Us . He 's told to get down and his response is usually , " Stupid , dumbass people . I 'm a careful climber . Jackasses . Ruined my day . Now it 's a stupid , shit day . " Hey , at least he 's honest , though we do have a talk afterwards about appropriate language . I 'm sure you can imagine the potential cardiac arrest when Girly told me to come outside and see where Zach was . Yes , I 'll admit , that I came back in to get the camera AND the video camera and then went back out . For the record , when I went out the first time , Zach was ALL THE WAY AT THE TOP of this tree . This tree is about 50 - ish feet tall ! I told him to get down but to do it carefully . He was laugning and giggling at the top of the tree while swaying back and forth . The potential cardiac arrest became even more potential when I realized that on the other side of this tree were power lines . Needless to say , tree climbing in our trees along the hedgerow is banned . I prayed the whole time he was on his way down . While he was at the top of the tree , he said , " This is SO cool , Mom ! Things look so different from up here . You look so small down there . " He was completely fascinated by the I swear , I 'm gonna have to wrap that kid in bubble wrap and put a helmet on him . On his way down from that big , tall oak tree , he jumped over to a smaller tree for the rest of the climb . I 'm tellin ' ya , this kid is going to be the cause of my heart attack one day . Well , him or his father . At least I know that 's where he gets it from . During the summer , I teach a handful of weekend classes at the Fletcher Farm School for the Arts & Crafts . We 've been going down as a family since 2002 . In 2003 , we started camping out in the summer time , so for the past 8 years , my kids have looked forward to the summers down there . It 's a special time for them . They get to spend the whole weekend with David and have uninterrupted time with him . There 's no yard work or house work to distract him . It 's just a lazy summer weekend when David and the kids can play in the fields , the river and creeks , the lake down the road and its waterfall . He takes the kids to the park and plays tennis with Girly . Zach spends his time catching crickets and katydids . The three of them come to the art school at noon time and we share a lunch under the trees near the little pond at the top of the hill . Even though I teach on those weekends , they feel like lazy summer weekends . There 's nothing to distract me when I come back to the camp site at the end of the day . No computer , no cable . There 's not even electricity or running water where we camp ( unless you consider the nearby creeks " running water " ) . There 's a pit toilet nearby , but that 's as fancy as it gets . It 's almost - primitive camping at its best . We love that there 's no one else near us . The dogs can run around and so can the kids , without worrying about bothering anyone else . We get the tent set up , David gets a fire going and we cook over the open fire . The s ' mores ingredients come out after dinner and the kids look through the hedgerow to find the perfect stick for their marshmallows . Good times , for sure . A few weeks ago , the kids noticed that there were berries growing in the hedge row . Lots and lots of wild raspberries . The kids each grabbed a bowl and started picking . Soon enough , Zach left his bowl and ate everything he picked . Girly ate some while she picked but she wanted to share some with David . Zach isn 't so fond of sharing food . This is what I get when I ask for a picture of the boy - child . He gets it from his father . I get the same kind of response from David . I joke that it 's the tainted Amish blood that runs in his family . My poor kids got the shallow end of the gene pool from both of us . Poor things . Girly has taken over the job of making the " big bed " in our tent . Over all these years , she 's watched me do it long enough that she knows exactly how to set it up . We 're camping purists and don 't bring an air mattress . Instead , we bring about every blanket , comforter and quilt we own and make our own mattress . David and I sleep in the middle and the kids are on either side of us . Add in the 3 dogs and we 're quite cozy for the night . This tent has served us well over the past 10 years . I think it still has a few more years left in it , but the kids are anxious to have tents of their own soon . David and I are anxious for that , too . * wink * I love waking up to this sunny scenery from our tent door in the morning . Meadowbrook holds a special place in our heart . Even the woman that owns the property knows that particular spot is the " Martin 's spot . " I let her know a week ahead that we 're on our way and she makes sure that there 's a little sign tacked to the picnic table that says , " Reserved for the Martins . " It makes my heart smile everytime I see that sign when we arrive . Posted at 01 : 28 AM in Adventures , Everyday life , Family | Permalink |
Due to the fact that a couple of days ago was the lunar eclipse , there have been a lot of photos of moons popping up on blogs lately . On one of the blogs , I mentioned a photo I took a few years ago of the moon at her fullest shining down on a frost covered ground . I said I 'd post it when I found it , so , that 's what I 'm doing now . The date on the details of the photo is 31st December 2001 . I said it was a few years ago . LOL ! Tori I went up to my parents ' place for dinner yesterday . It was really nice . We had Mam 's home made lasagne with roast potatoes and peas . And an apple and pear turnover thingy with custard . I 'm not a big fan of pears , but I quite enjoyed it . Then Dad , Mam , Wayne , Carl and Rachel came down my place for the evening . We were going to play a game , but all the games we have are for six people or less , and there were seven of us , so that idea went out the window . Instead we watched ' The Aristocats ' which is a cute little Disney movie about cats . Rachel hadn 't seen it , but wanted to , so since I have it we thought it would be a good opportunity for her to see it . I brought some wine and crisps when I was in Tesco on Tuesday , because we 'd already arranged for them to be coming down by that point . Kelly and I don 't drink , and Dad couldn 't because of driving , so I also got a bottle of non - alcoholic grape wine . Dad 's fussy about what he drinks , so he brought a bottle of something with him . I forget what it 's called ( it starts with an ' S ' ) but it 's a non - alcoholic grape and elderflower wine . They were only here for a few hours , but that was all the time it took for seven people to polish off four bottles of wine and three family sized bags of crisps . LOL ! Speaking of elderflower . I have found out that elderflower should be avoided tf pregnant or breast feeding . And , it 's not a good idea to have any with my pills , which means I was right to look for an alternative to the tea I usually have when I 'm sick . Chamomile is fine though . That 's good to know , isn 't it ? I don 't have any wine glasses , and I forgot to remind Mam to bring hers down , so we had to use the kids ' mugs I have . This meant that I spent the evening sipping non - alcoholic wine out of a ' Puppy In My Pocket ' cup . Don 't remember everyone 's cups , but Carl and Rachel had ' Thomas The Tank Engine ' and Dad had ' The Magic Roundabout . ' LOL ! They were cups that Wayne , Carl and I had with Easter eggs when we were little , and Mam gave to me a little while back . We all had a really good ePosted by Today is Sakura ( our eldest cat ) 's third birthday . I took a couple of photos , but Sakura 's not the most cooperative cat when it comes to taking photos , so I 'm afraid they aren 't all that good . But , here 's one of them anyway . You 'll have to go look in her photo album if you want to see the others . As you can see , we got her a yellow ball ( it 's a sort of rubbery ball with a bell in it ) and , of course , her birthday card . Sakura 's never been the most playful of cats , but on the odd occasion that she does play , it 's usually with a ball that makes a noise . We 've had countless plastic balls , but they 've never lasted long , because they break easily . So , we 're hoping that this rubbery one will last her longer . I think I 'll let her have some tuna for her dinner tonight . I 'm sure she 'll like that . I bet Megan and Chance will be happy to join her in polishing off a can of tuna . LOL ! Tori I 'm finally feeling better . YAY ! I hope any of you who haven 't been feeling well lately are feeling better soon . That means you , Kaylee ! : ) Anyway , Mam and I went to town today . I needed to get a gift for my Grandma 's Yorkie , Jayde , because it 's her birthday next week , plus I needed to do some food shopping . When I was in town , I noticed that there are already Christmas cards in the shops . It 's not even September yet ! Sheesh ! Mind you , I did pick up a couple of gifts for people while I was in town today . I saw them and knew of people who would like them , so figured I 'd pick them up . After all , I might not be able to find them again if I was to wait until closer . I had a baguette , but it wasn 't my usual one , because the place where we usually go wasn 't open today . They 're never open the day after a bank holiday . So , instead I went to a bakery called ' Greg 's ' where I got a tuna , sweetcorn , mayo and lettuce baguette . It wasn 't as nice as the baguette I usually have , but tt was still nice . Then we went to the cafe in Tesco to have a drink before doing my food shopping . It 's been a beautiful , sunny day here today , but Tesco do a lovely hot cocoa drink that you can enjoy even on a hot day , so we both had one of those . After I got home , I put the shopping away , then I watched some T . V . while eating my dinner , which was a tuna salad . And that 's pretty much my day , so I 'll let this do for now . ToriP . S . Happy birthday to Sauder Scotty MacDuff Fyfe . It 's a bank holiday here ( again ) and I 'm SO bored ! I haven 't done much , because there 's not really anything to do on a bank holiday . We wont be going to the museum after all . Nobody has the time . Everyone has planned to do something or other every day this week , and Carl and Rachel go home on Sunday . Oh well , never mind . Better luck next time , eh ? It was my step - brother Shane 's birthday yesterday . I 'm sure he doesn 't read my blog , but I 'll say a belated happy birthday to him anyway . Yesterday was also LadyStyx 's first wedding anniversary , so a belated happy anniversary to her and her hubby too ! I don 't have anything else to say , because I haven 't done anything worth talking about . So , I guess I 'll just hit that ' publish post ' button . Tori The picture to the right is my honey cake . I came across the recipe not long ago and it sounded nice , so I wanted to try it . I was going to have my Mam bake it for me , but I felt like baking today , and it seemed like a good opportunity to try the honey cake . I 'm very proud of my honey cake , because I 've NEVER made a cake completely by myself before . Every other time I 've had someone helping me ( usually either my Mam or my Nan ) . So , I 'm VERY proud of myself , because my honey cake turned out really well , if I do say so myself . Tori It looks like Summer 's back . I wonder how long it 's staying this time . LOL ! I took this photo yesterday ( Friday ) morning not long after I got up . I think it was a little after 7 : 00 am . And the sky stayed pretty much exactly like that all day yesterday . It was just as lovely today ( Saturday ) so Mam , Rachel , Willow , Kero and I went to the park for a picnic . Both Mam and I contributed to the food . Mam supplied the actual food part , and I supplied the drinks . We did it that way , because I live closer to the park than Mam does , so the drinks would have more chance of still being cold from my house than from Mam 's house . It was so hot even Willow spent a lot of time laying down , which is a rare thing , since Willow is one of those dogs that can 't stay still for two seconds . LOL ! Kero spent most of the time laying down too . But , that 's not really surprising . Kero and I had walked along by the river before walking to the park to meet Mam , Rachel and Willow , so we were both kind of tired by the time we met up with them . We enjoyed ourselves though ! As you can see , I took my camera with me . LOL ! There are some other photos in my photo albums if you want to take a look at them . Tori Today ( Friday ) is Chance 's second birthday . As you can see from this photo , we got him a toy mouse . The mouse has catnip in it , and when you tap it ( or move it quickly ) it makes a sort of squeaky sound . Sounds more like a bird chirping than a mouse squeaking to me though , but never mind . And , of course , he got a birthday card too . Can 't forget that ! Tori One of the things I hate most about getting sick , is the part when you 're starting to get better , but you 've still got a little way to go . There in lies the explanation to where I 've been , and why I haven 't been blogging . Even I don 't blog in my sleep . I 've been known to talk in my sleep , walk in my sleep , even do things like go for a pee , answer the phone , and get myself a drink in my sleep . But I 've never done a blog in my sleep . Not yet anyway . LOL ! So , that 's why I haven 't been around . I 've spent the last couple of days doing the catching up on sleep thing , which tends to make blogging quite tricky . LOL ! I watched a couple of movies in between naps . LOL ! Sunday night , I watched ' Escape To Witch Mountain . ' I 've seen it at least a couple of times before , but I turned the TV on just as it was starting , so thought I 'd watch it . It 's a pretty good movie . I think it is anyway . Monday afternoon , I watched ' Lady Death ' with Kelly . Kelly brought the DVD and was watching it , so I watched it with him . Well , I say I watched it , but I was laying on the sofa while it was on , and I fell asleep about half way through it . What I saw of it was pretty good though . Maybe next time it 's on I 'll watch it all ? LOL ! And I watched bits and pieces of other movies , but I can 't remember what they were . My Mam usually comes down to my place on a Monday , but with me still getting over my cold and cough , and Mam having loads to do this week because of Carl and Rachel being at her place , she didn 't come . Kelly still went up there though , because he had a battle of some kind ( I think it was Warhammer 40K ) with Carl , Dad and Ian . For those who don 't know , Ian is a family friend . Anyway , this meant it was just me and Kero Monday evening . Didn 't really do anything though . Just alternated between sleeping , watching TV , trying to stay awake long enough to check blogs , and trying to work on a shopping list for Tuesday . It 's normally Mam and I who do my shopping . But , Mam had to be someplace else , and even though Kelly is sick himself , he kept insisting Posted by I came across this story , and since many of us seem to be sick lately ( or , have family or friends who are sick ) , and I thought it was a nice little story , I thought I 'd share it . Enjoy ! The Wise Goodwifeby Leigh Ann Hussey " Gramma , I feel hot . " " Lands , child , on a cool fall day like this ? Come here and let me feel of your forehead . Tsk ! Feels like fever . Off to bed with you ! " " Gramma , I don 't feel good . " " I know , child , I know . I reckon it 's time to ask Goody Hawkins to help us . " " Who 's Goody Hawkins ? " " Hush , now , try to sleep . I 'll come back soon . " " Gramma , where did you go ? " " Out into the woods back of the farm , child . " " Why , Gramma ? " " To get Goody Hawkins ' help . " " Who 's Goody Hawkins ? " " Well , that 's a long story . " " Tell me a story , Gramma . " Well , you know ' bout the pilgrim days , Thanksgiving and all . Those people way back then , that first time , were giving thanks that they 'd lived a whole year in a whole new country , without too many of ' em dyin ' . Lotta times you see pictures , drawings , with lots of Indians standin ' there to welcome them folks . Well , ' taint so . Weren 't nobody there when they got off that boat , not but one Indian , all alone . Hist ' ry books say it was him , Squanto , as taught them first folks how to live through one of our winters - ice ' n sleet ' n snow ' n all , not like they had back in England , where they come from . But that ain 't rightly so , neither . Squanto , and a few other friendly Indians as wandered in later , they taught the menfolk . But the women , those days , well , they weren 't s ' posed to be important , even though they did most o ' the work , so we don 't hear ' bout them much . Well , a woman come off ' n that boat , not quite yet old as your mamma , and her name was Grace Hawkins , but ever ' one called her Goody Hawkins . " Goody " is short for " good wife " , and it 's like callin ' a lady " Missus " today . Goody Hawkins was young and pretty , though you couldn 't tell that very well , ' cause in those days the womenfolk wore long skirts and long sleeves and bonnets to tuck in and hide their hair . So Goody Hawkins had beautiful lPosted by ' Spirited Away ' arrived in the mail yesterday . I haven 't watched it yet though . My Nan did manage to get my apple cider vinegar . Kelly brought it home with him yesterday ( Saturday ) evening . When I made my drink , I thought to myself , " I hope this tastes better than it smells , because it smells disgusting ! " I got lucky . It may have smelled disgusting , but it tastes wonderful ! And , I 'm not just saying it either . While I was drinking it , I found myself thinking how , with the right incense and background noise ( quiet , relaxing nature sounds , etc ) it could be a good drink to induce meditation , or inspirational thinking . It might need to be stronger than I 've been making it to achieve that effect though . Kelly remembered to bring my piece of cake home too . It was a little dry ( probably from the fact it 's been waiting for me for a week , lol ) but it was still nice . It was a fruit cake with marzipan and icing on the top of it . It 's just a shame it was such a tiny piece . I 'm annoyed with the neighbours who live above me . Last night , they came home with a bunch of mates ( at least most of whom were drunk ) and put that rubbish they call music on at full blast . I was just thinking I 'd had enough , and was contemplating going up to have a word about the noise ( I was reluctant because of the fact I could tell they were quite full of alcohol ) but the guy who lives next to them got in there first . Thankfully ! They did turn the music down , but they were in and out a lot , so they kept setting Kero off barking . I don 't know how I got to sleep , but I somehow got to sleep quite quickly . I wonder if the cider vinegar stuff had anything to do with it ? This has taken a lot longer to write than it should have , because I stopped to have some food . I 've just been watching ' Nanny McPhee ' on Sky Movies Family . I 've seen it tons of times before , but it 's a good movie , so when I saw it was on I decided to watch it . Since it 's just finished , maybe I 'll put ' Spirited Away ' on now ? Yeah , I think I will . The TV 's not far from where my PC is , so I 'll be ablPosted by " Friday 's night dreamOn the Saturday told , Is sure to come true , Be it never so old . " That 's what they say anyway ! : ) Sh , if you have a dream tonight that you hope will come true , tell someone about it , and maybe it really will come true . Who knows ? I 'm not sure what made me decide to post that . I was looking at some cute little poems , rhymes and songs on a Pagan Parenting web site , and decided I wanted to put that one in my post . Maybe because it 's Friday night tonight ? Besides , not much is going on . The sun is ' trying ' to shine , but not having much luck . The rain is definitely winning the battle . My next door neighbour came home today . Her parcel arrived on Wednesday , so when we realised she was home , Kelly took it around to her . Carl and Rachel should be at my parents ' place by now . Carl was working until lunch time , then they had to get the train from Norwich ( where they live ) to Neath ( where Mam and Dad met them ) . I don 't remember how long they will be staying for . I think it 's two weeks , but don 't quote me on that . I don 't know how much I 'll get to see of them though , because it sounds like they have their whole time booked up . I was invited to go to Cardiff with Mam and Rachel , but I said , " No thanks . " The idea of going all the way to Cardiff just to look at outfits for Rachel 's wedding next year , really doesn 't appeal to me . My nose is being less like a combination of a leaky tap and a clogged drain , and more like a normal nose now . I 'm still sneezing and coughing a fair bit though . The cough is mostly at night , the sneezing is mostly in the day . At least they 're taking it in turns , I guess . It 's less stress on the body if you 're only doing one or the other . LOL ! I don 't know if my Nan got my apple cider vinegar , because I haven 't spoken to her since she went to town . I hope she did . I 'll find out tomorrow . Kelly 's going up there for the gaming club , so if she got it , he 'll bring it home with him . He should also be bringing me some fruit cake from Wayne and Kirstee 's wedding , which went well by the way . Mam says that Posted by ChicagoLady said . . . One more question I have not been able to find the answer to by reading your posts or profile . . . when and how did you decide to be Wiccan / Pagan ? The main reason I have never mentioned this before , is that nobody asked me . So , since I am , once again , having trouble sleeping , I thought I would answer ChicagoLady 's question . It was , I suppose , a slow process . Unofficially , my journey on to my current path began when I was about seven . But , at that point I didn 't know where my path would take me , nor did I fully understand why I chose to follow it . Because of this , I was not entirely sure where I should begin . But , after some consideration , I have decided to begin with the events that happened when I was about seven . The same events that , I believe , were responsible for my first tentative steps along the path to the Pagan religion of Wicca . And so , my story begins when I was , as I have already mentioned , about seven years old . I had , since I was about five years old , been in a Sunday School , along with my brothers , Carl and Wayne , and a few family friends . One of which was my best friend ( at the time ) Pia . Another of which was one of my Mam 's Goddaughters , Leighann . At this point , it is important that I tell you that Pia is a year younger than I am , Carl is a year older than I am , and Wayne is about four and a half years older than I am . And , Leighann is about two or three years younger than I am . You will see why this is important very soon . It is also important to make sure that you are aware that my brothers and I have disabilities . They are only mild disabilities . Wayne is almost completely deaf ( and has been since birth ) , Carl is completely blind ( and has been since the age of two ) , and I myself do not have particularly good eyesight . Again , you will soon see why it is important for me to point this out . The Sunday School was divided in to classes . One for children under five , and two or three others dividing up the older children ( I 'm not sure how they worked , but that doesn 't matter ) . I had never Posted by The weather wasn 't too bad this morning , so Kelly was able to take Megan ( see photo to the left of this text ) to the vet for her shots . I think she knew she was going , because she vanished just before I was going to put her in her cat carrier . But , I know Megan thinks with her stomach , so I opened a can of cat food . Within a few seconds , Megan was at my feet . We have no idea where she came from , but with Megan we rarely do . That 's why Wayne ( my brother ) calls her Mystic Meg . Because she just appears out of nowhere . Anyway , the vet gives the animals a thorough check - up when they go in for their shots , and pronounced Megan a " healthy , happy , content cat . " So , that 's good ! Anyway . . . My Grandma sent me a DVD called ' Born On The Straw ' a couple of weeks ago . It actually arrived before I went to visit Jackie , Shireen and Elizabeth , but I hadn 't had a chance to watch it . Until yesterday . It 's a sort of documentary type thing following up on ' Ainlee ' and her family . There was a book written something like 40 years ago about Ainlee and her family , but Ainlee was just a little girl then . She 's all grown up now and has children ( and grandchildren ) of her own now . It was a really good DVD . If everyone lived as simply as they do , and were as willing to help each other as they are , the world would be a much better place to live in . That 's my opinion anyway . And Ainlee 's little grandson ' Levi George ' ( who , at the time this was made , had not long turned three ) is SO CUTE ! And such a willing little helper . Bless him ! Haven 't really done much else . I 've mostly just been messing about on the PC , playing on my GameCube , and listening to the Lemony Snicket story on audio CD ( Kelly got them for me last week ) . I should be reading the Harry Potter book , but I wanted a bit of a rest from reading . Kelly 's been walking Kero for me , in order to stop me going out in the cold and wet . I 'm kind of glad in a way , because I 'm coughing and sneezing so much that it would be hard work walking Kero at the moment . Still , I am missing being outside . Oh wePosted by When I woke up yesterday , I could barely breathe . So , Megan never went to the vet . Kelly says he 'll take her in on Thursday or Friday , if the rain calms down . It 's been POURING with rain for about the last 24 hours , and since there are holes in the carrier ( obviously , or she wouldn 't be able to breathe in there ) and our bus stop is open , it would be next to impossible to avoid her getting soaked while waiting for the bus . If the rain hasn 't calmed down by Friday , he 'll try again Monday ( it 's emergency only on weekends ) . But , if we still have no luck on Monday , I 'll ask my Mam and Dad if they 'll take her in . She needs to be done by the end of the month or I 'll have to pay twice as much and start all her shots over again ( plus , take her twice this year instead of once ) . As it is we got the reminder from the vet in the mail yesterday . I usually get them in before the reminder is sent out , but for some reason I 've failed to do so for both girls this year ( I got the reminder for Sakura when she was due to be done back in February too ) . Anyway , I 'm not feeling quite as bad this morning as I was yesterday morning . I can , at least , breathe this morning . I would normally be drinking plenty of herbal tea to shift it , but I don 't know enough about the herbs and my pills to know if any of the things in the tea I usually drink when I 'm sick would affect the work the pills are doing . We do have some paracetamol in the cupboard , but , again , I don 't know how it would affect my pills . I 'm even more reluctant to take that because my system isn 't used to it . I have to be REALLY bad to take anything like that usually , so I don 't want to shock my system and have it mess up the hard work we 're putting in with those other pills . The doctor did tell me not to take anything ( pain - killer wise ) that 's too strong , and I 'm worried that with my system not being used it , even something as simple as a couple of paracetamol would be considered too strong . And , like I said , I don 't know enough about the herbs in my ' special tea ' to know that they Posted by ChicagoLady said . . . Just curious . Since you yourself state you 're a pagan , why do you celebrate Christmas ? I understand celebrating Yule , because you 've explained the meaning behind that . But Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ . If you 're a pagan , then wouldn 't you NOT believe in God and the fact that he sent his son to earth as a man to die for us ? I decided to answer the comment in an actual post rather than it would be a bit long for a comment , so made more sense to start up a post for it . You 're right , ChicagoLady . I don 't believe in God , and I don 't agree with the celebration of the birth of ' Jesus Christ ' whom I also do not believe existed . Therefore , your question not only failed to take me by surprise , but I have been waiting for someone to ask it since last December when I first mentioned that I celebrate both Yule and Christmas . So , why then do I celebrate both Yule and Christmas ? Well , I 'll tell you . Until I was sixteen , my beliefs were kept quiet from the rest of the family . The family celebrated Christmas , so I did . Simple as that . Then I began to let my family know of my beliefs . But , my parents , my siblings , and basically the rest of the family ( excluding my hubby , my uncle Phillip and my Auntie Bev ) have different beliefs , so they celebrate Christmas . Most of them don 't even know what Yule is . At first , before I met Kelly and got married , I would celebrate Yule by myself . I 'd open gifts from friends on Yule , but left those from family until Christmas . My parents would have noticed if I 'd opened the stuff from them , and I didn 't want to cause arguments . Then , after Kelly and I got married , we started celebrating Yule together . We 'd open the gifts from our friends and most of the stuff from each other at Yule , then celebrating Christmas with the rest of the family , keeping a gift or two for each other to exchange while the family is around . It just seemed easier . I would prefer to just celebrate Yule . To forget about the holidays that have nothing to do with what I believe . To let YulPosted by We had close to a week of beautiful , sunny , warm weather . Today , however , it was cold and wet . Unfortunately , the sudden change in weather means I now have a cold . I 've been sneezing all day , and my nose is dripping like a leaky tap , while the other side is stuffed up like a clogged up drain . Yuck ! Um . . . Sorry if you were eating and I grossed you out ! LOL ! Today being Monday , Mam should have been here this evening , but since we were both so tired from not sleeping too well again last night , we decided it would be better if she didn 't come down . We both get a bit snippy when we 're tired , so we both agreed it would be better if we didn 't spend the evening together , otherwise we 'd have just been at each other 's throats . And , before anyone says anything , I didn 't watch any kind of movie last night , so there 's no way you can blame it on watching horror movies . Normally I 'd be going shopping tomorrow ( Tuesday ) . But , Mam asked if we could go on Wednesday instead this week , and I agreed . Megan 's supposed to have her shots this month , so I might see about taking her for the shot tomorrow . My next door neighbour ( Margret ) is going away for a few days ( I think she 's going to visit her family in New Port ) so she 's asked us to keep an eye on her place . Also , she was expecting a parcel , which was meant to arrive today but didn 't , so she 's asked us if she can leave a note on her door to tell the delivery person to leave it with us . Usually at least one of us is home , so that 's not a problem . I think the people who live above us might be a bit quieter for a while . It 's the guy who makes most of the noise . He has his mates over until who knows when , playing what passes for music in his deluded mind . Even his parner gets annoyed . A couple of days ago , it was still going on at 3 : 00 am , and I was just thinking about going up there and asking him to at least lower the volume , when I heard his pardner yelling at him . They had a huge argument , and then she either threw his mates out or him and his mates . Not sure exactly . Anyway , it 's beenPosted by ' Failure To Launch ' turned out to be a really great movie . There were some funny bits in it , and it had a great story line . It was definitely worth watching ! After ' Failure To Launch ' was over , the new version of ' The Omen ' was on . Well , I say " new " but I believe it was actually released some time last year . Anyway , being a fan of ' The Omen Trilogy ' I decided to watch it . It was OK . Just ' OK ' though . The old version was better , in my opinion . I felt like they were rushing through the plot , and I hate that . I felt they were more interested in keeping the movie from being too long than in giving us time to get to know the characters and their story . So , I wasn 't nearly as impressed with it as I had been with the original version . I have to admit , that 's all I 've really done since I last blogged . I had a bad night last night . Kept waking up every few minutes thinking I was late for some non - existent event . So , I ended up not getting up until quite late . Not that it really matters , because I don 't really do much on a Sunday usually . But that doesn 't make it any less frustrating . Anyway , since I don 't have anything else to say , I guess I 'll call it a day , pick out a colour for today 's font , and hit that ' publish post ' button . ToriP . S . Kaylee , I 'm glad your surgery went well , and that you 're recovering quickly . Please don 't forget to rest though ! Shireen and Elizabeth 's brother , Wayne is marrying his partner , Kirstee , today . I think the ceremony started about 3 : 00 pm , so it should be over by now , meaning that they should be husband and wife by now . I hope it went well for them . I wasn 't invited . Well , I was invited to the evening party thing , which should be in full swing by now , but that 's it . I didn 't go to the party though . because I wouldn 't have been able to get home once it was over , so I told them I couldn 't make it . Today is also my friend Jean 's birthday . So , happy birthday Jean ! It 's been a beautiful day today . Sunny and dry , but not too hot . Perfect for a nice , peaceful walk by the river . So , Kelly , Kero and I all decided to make the most of it , and took a walk together . It was lovely ! I haven 't really done much else today . Although , I did have a nice , long chat on the phone with my friend Louise this evening . I 'm not getting through the Harry Potter book as quickly as I 'd have liked to , because the chapters are quite long , and I 've been so tired lately that most nights I 'm lucky if I can even read a whole chapter . So , those of you who are still trying to finish the book , you have plenty of time to finish it before I put up my review . . . LOL ! Right now , I 'm watching ' Failure To Launch ' on Sky Movies Premier . It seems pretty good so far . But , I 'm going to end this so I can concentrate on watching it . Tori I got the nice , dry day I 'd been hoping for yesterday ( Thursday ) . It was a bit warmer than I 'd hoped it would be though . Today ( Friday ) there was a bit of a breeze , but not yesterday . There were clouds in the sky yesterday , but cloud cover with no breeze doesn 't do much to cool you down , does it ? Shireena and Kero spent the morning playing football in the garden , while I was working on getting some dishes washed , and folding some laundry that had been washed the day before . I did peek out on them every few minutes just to make sure both of them were OK , but since they seemed to be having so much fun , I mostly just left them to it . I snapped a couple of sneaky photos while they were playing . This is one of them . After lunch , Kero , Shireen and I went to the park . First , we walked around the big park where we walk Kero and Willow , and where we have our picnics . I let Shireen bring her scooter , and she was zooming back and forth along the path on it , while Kero sniffed what must have been every blade of grass ( it seemed like it to me anyway , lol ) and I slowly walked along behind them , keeping an eye on where both of them were and what they were doing . Then Shireen played in the kiddy play park for a while , while Kero and I sat and watched her . And , before we went back to my place , we took a little walk along the path by the river , where I most enjoy walking . We ended up spending the entire afternoon either walking or , in Shireen 's case , playing at the park , so by the time we got back to my place , it was time for me to start making dinner . Once dinner was over with , I helped Shireen make the card for her brother and his soon - to - be wife . And , while we had the stuff out , I made one for them too . I was going to take photos of the cards , but I forgot , and now Shireen 's taken them with her to give to her brother Wayne ( not to be confused with my brother Wayne , lol ) and Kirstee . Before bed , we watched the fourth Harry Potter movie ' Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire ' while we had our supper and a warm drink . I 'd have probably Posted by It 's been a lovely day today . I hope it will be just as nice tomorrow . I 've got Shireen for the day ( and over night ) tomorrow , and I 'm hoping I can take her and Kero to the park , and if it rains I wont be able to . Well , we can still go for a walk , but both Kero and Shireen will enjoy it more if we can spend the afternoon outside . I pulled out all my craft stuff today , ready to help Shireen make the card for her brother tomorrow . I was just going to put the new stuff among it and put it back away , but decided it would probably be easier to just leave it all stacked on one end of the table . Our table seats six , and even with Shireen there are only three of us , so it 's not like the stuff will be in the way . I haven 't really done anything else today , so I guess I 'll let this do . After all , this is my third post today , and I 'm posting this more because I 'm bored than because I 've got something to say . . . LOL ! Tori For the first few months that I had this blog , I didn 't know what to write about , and I only visited about three blogs . That seems a lifetime ago now though . Most days I could do two or three posts ( sometimes I do just that in fact ) and you should see the list of blogs I check ! There 's more than a dozen , and I check them all every day . Unless I can 't get online for some reason . Some days I even check them quite a few times , especially if I can 't sleep , which is the case tonight . There are some interesting blogs out there ! Some of them are just plain stupid and seem to be more full of links than blog posts , but I 've found a fair few interesting blogs . Hence the long list of blogs I check each day . Different things keep me going back to different blogs . With some it 's the photos , with others the book reviews , and with others it 's simply the fact I 'm a nosy cow who likes to read about other people 's lives , and find the life of the blogger in question very interesting . What can I say ? I know what I like ! LOL ! I hope I do a good job of keeping my blog interesting . I try not to bore people with too much whining , or too much boring information , but at the end of the day , this is my blog , and I can post whatever I want ! If people don 't like what I post , they don 't have to read it , do they ? My personal opinion is that , I am who I am , I 'm proud of who I am , and I don 't intend to change who I am for love nor money . I 've chosen my path , and I intend to follow it . Some of the things I believe in may draw a few raised eyebrows , and others may cause a few arguments . But they are my beliefs and that 's that ! As you will know if you have read my profile lately , or if you have been a visitor to my blog for a while , I 'm a Pagan . An Eclectic Wiccan to be exact . I don 't believe in the existence of a God . I believe in the wonders of nature , the beauty of the world around us , in spirit guides , and the magic that can be found within yourself if you look hard enough . And I believe that the closest thing there are to a God or Goddess ( or whatePosted by Guess what ? While I was posting on here that I wanted to go see ' The Simpson 's Movie ' but nobody wanted to go with me , Mam was taking Shireen and Elizabeth to see it . She didn 't offer me , because she didn 't think I 'd want to go . Hm . . . OK . I guess she forgot about our conversation on Thursday evening at Jackie 's place , when Shireen said she wanted to see the movie , I said I did too , and Mam said she didn 't want to go . Either that , or she assumed I just didn 't want to walk the 2 . 5 miles from my place to hers , then the 2 . 5 miles from her place to the local cinema , and then walk the 5 miles back home again . In Mam 's defence , I do usually avoid going to that cinema . It 's only a small place , and mostly it 's teenagers and little kids who go there . The people who can 't drive yet , and who 's parents can 't be bothered to take them to the better cinema . But that 's not the point ! I should have been asked and given the opportunity to say " yes " or " no " for myself . Anyway , Shireen and Elizabeth enjoyed the movie , but Mam didn 't . I wouldn 't have minded that they went without me so much , but they all started telling me bits that happened in the movie . I have to admit , I got a bit snappy at that point and pointed out that just because they 'd seen it and I hadn 't , that was no reason to spoil it for me for when I do get to see it . I 'd seen most of the bits they mentioned when I 'd been watching the various trailers , but that 's so not the point ! Anyway . . . Today was shopping day . I didn 't get much , because I figured it would be better not to do anything I didn 't ' need ' to do with Shireen with us . So , I just did my food shopping , and got a few bits I needed for helping Shireen make a card for her brother ( he 's getting married on Saturday ) . We did have some lunch though . Elizabeth and I had baguettes . Mine was my usual tuna , sweetcorn , cheese and onion one , and Elizabeth had just cheese and onion in hers . And , Shireen had a corned beef pasty . Then Mam decided she fancied a friut scone , and offered the rest of us a cake each too . Elizabeth dPosted by Today has been a beautiful , sunny day , and I 've not really done much . My ankle 's not hurting today , so my lazy weekend obviously did it some good . My pills had to be taken for five days , so I took them from Monday to Friday of last week . I have to get some more in about three weeks , and then I have to take them for another five days . I probably wont know if they 're working properly until I see my gynaecologist again in September . Although , I may be able to guess that they 're working right if I start having a normal cycle , or something . This has taken longer to write than it should have , because I had to stop part way through to take Kero out in the yard . I can 't let him out on his own , because he likes to run back and forth in front of the fence barking at anyone who passes , and the neighbours don 't really appreciate when he does that . Especially the ones who are , at this time of the evening , trying to get young children to settle for sleep . Can 't say I blame them , I wouldn 't like it if someone else 's dog was doing it . So , I go with him , so I can grab him and get him in quick if he goes to start doing it . I want to go see ' The Simpson 's Movie ' at the cinema , but nobody else wants to go with me to see it , and I don 't want to go by myself . Wayne would probably go with me , but he 's away with the cadets , and by the time he gets back , Carl and Rachel will be here for their Summer visit ( though , it 's actually Autumn / Fall now , not Summer any more ) and Wayne 's not going to want to go with me to see a movie when Carl 's here . He 's going to be much more interested in spending time with Carl . Oh well , I guess I 'll just have to wait for it to come out on Sky movies . At least I got to see ' Shrek The Third ' while I was away . OK , I think that 's enough of my nonsense for one day . LOL ! ToriBy the way , I added some of my old stories to my short story spot last night . Here 's Kero with one of the treats I brought home from Stevenage with me . It 's a rawhide dummy ( or , ' soother ' as some of you may know it better ) . I also got him a rawhide hot dog but you can 't see it because of the blanket , and Kero was much more interested in giving me kisses and eating his treats than having me take photos of him . LOL ! It was beautiful and sunny in Stevenage while we were there . It did get a little drizzly Thursday afternoon , but it was so hot we hardly noticed ( even though we were out in it ) . Kelly and Dad said it was beautiful here in Wales too , but by the time we got home on Friday it was raining , and it rained all yesterday ( Saturday ) too . It 's nice today though . Kinda cloudy and miserable looking , but dry and warm . I 've not really done much since I 've been home , because I 've been resting my leg . I have a problem with my right ankle , and it was a bit sore from all the walking I 'd been doing . Plus , I landed wrong when I got off one of the trains , and made it worse . By the way , did any of you remember to check the post with the eggs in it to see what hatched ? If you did forget , click here to take a look . Tori Scroll down to read the previous post before you read this one . On Wednesday morning , we went in to the town to look around the shops . We went in quite a few shops , and we looked around both an indoor and outdoor market . Right in the middle of the town there 's a fountain , which we sat near to eat our lunch . It was very pretty , and birds kept coming to drink from it and take a bath in it . Most of the birds were Pigeons , but we saw the odd Starling . I hadn 't taken my camera with me though , so we didn 't get photos of the birds . This photo of me by the fountain wasn 't taken until Friday morning . We stopped to take it before we went to the train station to get the train home . On Wednesday afternoon , Mam , Elizabeth and I had our hairs cut ( I just had a trim , but Mam and Elizabeth had quite a bit cut off of theirs ) . Then , we went out to dinner . I don 't remember what Jackie had , but Mam had fish , chips and peas . I had burger , chips and peas . Shireen had chicken nuggets , chips and beans . And Elizabeth had this HUGE bacon burger with chips and onion rings . That was a burger and a bit ! She still managed a desert though . Jackie didn 't have a desert , but the rest of us did . I had apple and caramel crumble with ice - cream , Mam and Elizabeth both had chocolate fudge cake with ice - cream , and Shireen had a chocolate sundae . We were all very full when we were done . Thursday morning , Mam , Shireen and I went into town again . Mam and I each got a new set of clothes for the journey home ( I 'm wearing mine in the photo of me in front of the fountain ) and then we went for a milkshake before going to the pet store to buy a present each for Kero and Willow . On Thursday afternoon , Mam , Shireen and I went to the movies to watch ' Shrek The Third . ' Shireen and I had kiddy snack meals that have popcorn , a carton of juice , and some sweets in them . They forgot to put the sweets in Shireen 's box though , so I gave her mine . And , Mam and I shared some nachos with cheese sauce on them . Mam and I also had extra drinks . The movie was great ! In fact , I think iPosted by Where possible I have tried to give credit to the authors of anything I have used on this blog that was not my own . Please do the same for me by linking back to my blog if you share anything I 've written . Thank you ! R / WP = Rant , or whiney post . . . Sorry ! But sometimes you need a good whine or rant . Posts with this rating may contain offensive language ! |
The old black teapot was fuming , signaling it 's had enough of that heat and wants to get off the stove right now . Mr . Blinchley on the other hand was in no rush , he lived alone and rarely had company so he enjoyed any sound that broke off the monotone silence , even if it came from a teapot . Plus he felt cold , despite the fireplace going , and a cup of hot tea would help with that more than a barely warm one . It was April , the week of Easter , but it appeared that the weather missed the memo . The temperature was dropping with each passing day instead of rising as it should , so Mr . Blinchley penned it a winter in disguise in his letters . Maybe it wasn 't just the weather though , Arthur Blinchley was about to enter his ninetieth year of life and age certainly makes some adjustments to the weather forecast . It makes the winds feel heavier , the rain louder , and the sun weaker . Mostly it makes the cold feel colder , and puts a man a season or so behind in attire . For everything beyond that , he decided it 's all a matter of personal choice . We ourselves choose when we give up , when not to get out of bed , and when we stop doing the things we love . The answer Mr . Blinchley was aiming to leave as an example for everyone else was never . That 's why on his work desk where his favorite chair was situated , lied a pile of letters . Letters were like a piece of magic for him . And since magic strayed from the ordinary and mundane , he never sent any letters around Christmas anymore . He preferred waiting till the Easter holidays . The few months between the two holidays gave him just about the right time he needed to read several times the letters he received , and then to come up with just the right responses they deserved . The longer he was with them the more special they felt . He had set on a mission to live his days alone , and for better or worse he found he excelled at the task . Yet every now and then he felt the loneliness creep in behind his mind and give him distant memories , enchant his dreams with company , force him to wake up with a craving for friendship . The letters helped him with that . They reassured him he still has all that even though nowadays he rarely sees anyone but the milkman , the newspaper boy , and the employees in the shop across the street . With the cup of tea in his hands to warm the old bones , Mr . Blinchley sat down at his desk , admiring the handwriting he 's mastered over the years . If those letters did not include personal details and told the dreary tale of his life , they might have been considered a piece of art . At least he wanted to think so . Just as he often thought of the excitement these letters might give to his carefully selected recipients . Yet he knew the truth , especially with this new age and technology , is that most of them were likely uncomfortable or ashamed to be receiving and sending written letters . Arthur Blinchley also pondered why the letters have not been sent yet . You see , they were already written , signed , placed in lovely light yellow envelopes , unpleasantly licked and carefully closed . Now they were simply sitting as a pile , gathering dust and reminding him that one of these cold days he need to put on an extra sweater and head down to drop them off in the closest main box . But for a reason he could not quite perceive , he did everything but that . He even managed to do some household chores he was so diligently putting off as if he had hoped one day when he wakes up they 'd all be done in some mysterious way . And while Arthur still found the thought of magic endearing , he didn 't quite fancy mysteries , he just really wished the housekeeping would get done on its own for once . Not today , he told himself . In his ninety years of life , that was one of the easiest phrases he could tell himself . It appeared simple and short , clean and sweet , even though deep inside it was the root of all things evil and lazy . Might be that 's the plans of villains never go as planned , they always tell themselves not today whenever it comes to executing them . Heroes don 't do that , heroes act . But Arthur had no trouble chewing on that thought , he hadn 't been a hero his whole life so why would he seek that now ? Plus heroes were never old either , if they could not save the world at the age of ninety , how could anyone expect Mr . Blinchley to do the things he did in his prime ? Between spinning thoughts during his time at the desk and watching an episode of whatever that was on the TV that he couldn 't recognize , Arthur forgot to have a look at the clock . " Funny thing , time . We stop doing things on its account , but it never stops for us " , Mr . Blinchley thought to himself as he moved to get to his bed . He had what might have been one of the best nights of sleep , even though he might have said that the night before , and the night before that . It was a common occurrence for him to enjoy his sleep . Yet , as he moved across his apartment , Arthur fell a heavy weight fall on top of him . He extended his arms and leaned toward his favorite chair for support , but failed and made things worse . By pushing the chair down he hurt his left arm when he fell with it on top of the chair . The whole event rumbled the place and the pile of letters fell on top of him . Lying there on the ground , next to his favorite chair and among some of his prized possessions , the letters he wrote to his friends , Mr . Blinchley pondered once again why he didn 't send the letter sooner . Was he too old for such a task ? Or did the procrastination delay the thoughts that yet another year of his life had passed ? Was it fear kept him back ? In his final moments , Arthur felt maybe it is better that the letters didn 't reach anyone . Maybe it will be a better form of goodbye than any note or words he may have sent them . Sure , his handwriting looked beautiful even though his hand shook when he wrote , but maybe the letters he wrote weren 't worthy of being his last words to his friends . Funny , he thought to himself , we rarely look at it what way and hardly ever accept it , but time does stop on our account . [ I 'm late again ! This is part three of " Equiroth " , a story set in a fantasy world . Part one of the story can be found at SSS : Betrayal and part two can be found at SSS : Journey . Keep in mind that while the stories are related , they 're not necessarily continuous . ] The journey felt long and exhausting , their supplies dwindling each day and leaving them with barely anything to fill their stomachs with by the sixth day . If we 're lucky enough we will reach our destination today , thought Bryoth the horn - blower . He was riding alongside Kolsyn , the captain of the army , and three mounted soldiers followed behind them . Despite the lack of food and the exhaustion , Bryoth thought things went well , they didn 't have any unpleasant encounters and the weather served them well for the most part . There was a day or so of rain , but it was a very light rain . " Look up ahead ! " shouted one of the soldiers . Just beyond the trees , up high in the air one could see the top of the high stone doors that marked the entrance to the central elven cities . The group urged their horses forward to complete their mission sooner and hoping their journey will end with a hot bowl of broth and a soft bed . They reached the gate soon enough , but crossing it wasn 't going to be that easy . The area outside the gates was completely swamped with elves from all cities close and far . There were lines and lines of them waiting to enter , and quite a number of traders had set caravans or tents up as an attempt to profit from the situation . It almost looked as if a whole elven city has been moved to the location . Bryoth and Kolsyn left their horses with the soldiers , it was clear that moving with a mount would be next to impossible , and they slowly started making their way through the crowd . " You two , not a step further ! " They had almost reached the gate when someone got in their way . The man was wearing clothes identical to all those serving in the elven army , but for a weapon he had a glaive , a long polearm from dark wood inscribed with decorations on top of which a sharp sword was located . The glaive signified that he was part of the royal guard whose purpose defending the king and keeping watch on the famous elven doors . This poor fella had obviously gotten the shorter end of that stick so Bryoth could understand why he was in a foul mood . " Do you not see the formed lines around you ? Get in there and wait your turn . " The guy gave him a good look , as if he trying to remember if he had seen Bryoth before . " Well I haven 't been notified that they need to see you so it appears the feeling isn 't mutual . Now get in line ! " " It 's okay , " another elf stepped toward them , " I 'll handle this . " He was wearing fully brown attire , trousers and a woolen tunic with a shirt underneath , while behind him flapped a silk cloak of the same brown color . He was a servant , but one who works for the royal family as given away by the cloak . The guard made some grunting sound and walked away . The servant opened his mouth , but no words came out . He looked to the ground for a moment as if searching for his lost words . " I 'm afraid not everything has gone according to your plans . I do not have all the details as I 'm going on based on a letter , but come , follow me to our encampment , I 'll explain everything on the way there and we 'll use one of our caravans to go meet the rest of your party . " Bryoth would later realize that Faoth should have probably stared at the ground some more as apparently he hadn 't found quite the right words . The rest of the party meant four remaining elves from the group of forty - seven which departed toward the gate on the east . Two of them uninjured , the third was hit with an arrow in his left arm , and the fourth was barely alive . Faoth told them that it was their leader Marioth who was battling for his life . His whole body had been burnt badly , every inch of skin turned a shade of black and red . " How is he still alive ? " A puzzled Bryoth had asked in a rush , which earned him a clout on the head from Kolsyn . Faoth answered that it 's had to say but based on what was said by the healer who was taking care of Marioth , it 's likely there was an enchantment which forced the fire to burn only the outer layers of their skin . He told them while they 're hopeful that he will survive this , it will be many moons before he can move any part of his body and he would never truly recover from the injuries . They reached the encampment and got on a very large caravan lead by six Elphorses , large but slim horse - like creatures with long tusks and a very thick mane . Due to its size , the caravan provided a lot of comfort and space for movement , but with the news they had gotten Bryoth and Kolsyn felt they would have preferred a different type of comfort . The worrying news didn 't end there ; they learned that Rhissa was the one who attacked their leader 's group , and they learned that most of the elven doors that lead to the capitol have been closed off because there have been repeated attacks over the last few weeks . But worst of all , they learned that the royal family is not here and neither Marioth 's group neither they can deliver the warning message to his grace . It was a specific time of the year , a festival which lasts almost as long as a whole moon cycle and during that period the whole royal family along with their guards and most of the capitol 's army visit the moon pillars . They are in fact stones which looked like pillars , all of them having specific sizes and arranged in a specific manner in such a way that when one looks through them he or she can see they perfectly match the moon 's progress on the sky during the course of a whole year . No one truly knows how the stones were constructed but there is no record of their construct while they 've existed as long as any elf can remember . With all that had happened they had forgotten about their race 's culture traditions . Bryoth concluded that this was the reason why most of the heavy stone doors had been shut off - there were not enough guards and soldiers to arm and defend all of the locations . The elven capitol has never been weak and no type of petty attacks would force them to close those doors , but this was different . The capitol was hosting feasts every day till the royal family returns , and at a time like this it was important for them to regulate who goes out and who goes in . It wasn 't just about protecting the entrances ; it was about ensuring no one finds their way inside unnoticed . Yet Bryoth found the whole thing to be quite disturbing . Rhissa 's betrayal , her attack on Marioth , the royal family being away , and some random attacks on the capitol gates all happening at once . He thought either it was all a scary coincidence or a frightening ploy where all of these things are part of someone 's plan . But what could they hope to achieve ? It doesn 't make sense to have the doors closed , it only strengthens the capitol 's defenses till his grace returns . Is this part of Rhissa 's plan and a way to prevent us from warning the royal family ? His mind went on and on , running every thought in all possible directions . While he was racking his brain trying to connect all the things and figure everything out , they had arrived at their destination . Faoth pointed to the house in front of them . " You will find your friends inside . I 'll be a bit behind as I need to take some things from the caravan . " They didn 't need to be told twice , they run off inside . The house had no rooms with the exception of a bathroom , the rest of it was all put together with no walls or doors to separate any parts of the house . Thus , as soon as they were inside they could see their four fellows , three of them sitting on chairs around a fireplace , while Marioth was laid in a very low pool of water at the other side of the room . In the middle of the room was a table where an elf was mixing some herbs . " We 've been expecting you . " She gave them a small smile , and the three soldiers stood up but could not bring themselves to say anything . They didn 't have to , you could read all the horror on their grim faces . Bryoth and Kolsyn went next to the pool to see what had become of their leader . His flesh looked like something from a nightmare , weirdly painted black and red , uneven with apparent burned dead tissue on the surface . It wasn 't a sight one wants to see , and Bryoth figured maybe that 's why the soldiers are sitting over there and not here . Just about then Bryoth noticed that Marioth , who was wide awake at the moment , appeared to be trying to move his lips . It was a poor attempt which produced an undistinguishable whispering sound , but he was persistently trying to do it even though it clearly pained him as his eyes were red and watery . " Can you understand what he 's trying to say ? " He looked at Kolsyn , hoping he was better at that task . " I can 't be sure , but I think he 's trying to say Stupid . " As Marioth 's lips movement stopped right about then the two men smiled to each other . His body may be scorched but his spirit 's as strong as ever . [ It 's not Sunday , but I was sick yesterday so here 's a creepy story for a crappy Monday . Or would that be a crappy story for a creepy Monday ? Only one way to find out - keep reading . ] Every person 's home is where they feel most comfortable at . Over time I came to realize this is not solely because of shelter and warmth , but because of privacy and safety . Outside in the world the flow never stops , there are living beings all around us , you 're never truly alone or solely with someone you trust . Even if you are alone , the possibility that someone could be right around the corner , hiding in the bushes , or watching you from a window of the nearby building never fades away . But when you 're at home you 're behind walls , you 've hidden inside your castle and you feel beyond harm 's reach . My family 's castle walls were shaken about 10 years ago on a fine Sunday night . The events started during the day , but no one quite noticed . Or more precisely , me and my sister noticed but we weren 't truly paying attention . We were kids , I was 9 and she was 7 . As every night we set on to have dinner , and while my parents finished their food , me and my sister were always late because we didn 't feel like eating our vegetables . While we were still eating and our parents were cleaning around the kitchen , my mother called my father to see something . Through our kitchen window they were seeing someone standing outside our house . They were trying to whisper but we could still hear them and among the whispers I heard the man looked to be wearing a top hat . This is when the realization came to me that earlier while we were playing in the yard there was a tall man in a long black coat walking across the street . He was wearing a top hat and it appeared as if he 's checking out the houses on the street . I immediately told my parents we had seen someone like that today while we were playing , and I got told to eat what 's in front of me and not pry on conversations . But I could see the worry on their faces and I know dad went out with his baseball bat to look for the man . I finished my food quickly and went to the living room where I could look outside through the windows - my dad was circling around the house . He didn 't found anyone though so he returned inside . My parents said that someone was likely just walking by , but I heard them double check the house doors are locked before going to bed . The next day went about as any regular Monday . We were lazying around yet our parents hurried us so we 're not late for school . It was a silly routine , head to the bathroom to clean up yourself , head to your room to change and get your school bag ready , head to the dining room for breakfast , and finally get in the car to be taken to school . And as with any routine , it didn 't include anything out of the ordinary . This means there was no mention nor talk , and likely no thoughts either , about the man from last night . That only lasted till my history class . I couldn 't pay attention , I was bored , so I resorted to looking at the other kids and looking outside the windows . This is when I saw him again , the slender elegant man with the top hat looking at me from outside . I was scared and I panicked , yelling out in fear . The teacher was worried so she came rushing toward me , trying to make sure something hadn 't happened to me as I had apparently fallen from my chair . After a short period of class chaos , I was sent to the principal 's office , my parents were called and I was quickly taken home . To this day I 'm not fully sure why I reacted that way , but whenever I look back at things I feel this was when I first sensed the danger . Something 's eating away at your privacy and safety and it seems to be stuck to you , there is no other feeling but terror in that realization . I spent the day at home , mostly watching television and cuddling myself on the sofa . But the bad feelings never went away , now I felt confined to these walls and even there I did not feel safe . Things got worse during dinner when my mother once again looking outside the kitchen window noticed the same man with the top hat standing outside . She didn 't tell us that , but she didn 't have to . The plate from her hands quickly fell on the floor , she yelled out my father 's name , and with a shaky voice told him that he 's standing outside again . This time my father didn 't go outside , instead he called the police . I 'm not sure how much my sister understood , if any , but the shattered plate and the shouting seemed to have scared her quite enough on their own . The police arrived soon , but left just as quickly . They searched around and found nothing so it was decided the neighborhood is safe enough and they 'll just have a patrol car drive around every now and then . I felt better knowing the police will be keeping an eye , but it didn 't seem to help my parents . They stayed up after we went to bed and it was clear they were worried . When we woke up in the morning you could see the worry on their face - a pale white shade with big dark circles below their eyes , and it looked like the coffee pot hadn 't slept at all that night . With the exception of that , the day seemed to go on fine . I kept looking outside the window during classes but there was nothing out of the ordinary there . The out of the ordinary came midway through my classes when I was told I 'm to leave early and my father was there to pick me up . They didn 't want to let me know what had happened , but we got home quite fast and me and my sister were ordered to go in our room . Once there , my sister told me she had seen the man with the top class while she was at school and that 's why my parents were called there and why we 're at home now . While we were in our room my thoughts were revolving around the man with the top hat . I could never make out his face , his head always seemed to be leaned down and the top hat covered the rest of it . A slim dark feature in a long dark coat and a top hat , if it wasn 't for his posture one could almost thing he wasn 't human . My parents looking out of the windows the rest of the day . They even opted out of making dinner so we had pizza instead . Me and my sister were eating in the living room while watching television , when my mom called my dad . He went to the window to check for himself , then rushed to grab his baseball bat and went outside . My mother went to lock the door behind him . Me and my sister were watching through the windows as the figure in the top hat made its way north toward the nearby woods , and my father run off after him . It 's been 10 years since that night , but my father never came back . Even the police couldn 't find him and they did a heavy search for him for a number of days . There was no trace of him nor the man in the top hat . I did saw the man in the top hat a week ago though . We were at a friend 's house for a party , I went out on the balcony for a smoke and that 's when I noticed the dark figure down in the shadows . He was wearing different clothes , but the hat was the same and that gave him away . I froze , all the fear and terror from back then returning to my mind and wrapping my body in invisible chains . But as he walked away he crossed a place where the street lamps reached him with their light and that 's when I saw the face below the top hat . That 's when I saw my father wearing the top hat . [ Yes , yes , it 's not Sunday . But I need to catch up . Also , Tarma needs something to keep her busy . This is part two of " Equiroth " , a story set in a fantasy world . Part one can be found at SSS : Betrayal , while part three can be found at SSS : Tranquility . Keep in mind that while the stories are related , they 're not necessarily continuous . ] Marioth wished he could do that , ignore any limitations set by terrain and constructions made by the land 's inhabitants . Both of those were preventing their path now . Huge mountain ranges lied on either side , while a massive stone door almost thirty feet high blocked the way between . It was one of seven gates constructed a long time ago by their elven brethren with the use of lots of might and magic . Each one was built at a specific location to protect all possible entrances inside the area encircled by the mountain ranges , where their nation 's capitol shined with all its glory . The gates certainly lacked in beauty , but they clearly served their purpose . The horn - blower was next to Marioth , on top of his horse just like himself and the fifty warriors behind them . They were almost copies of each other , all wearing the same things . Simple wool and brown leather for armor , a wooden bow with arrows on their back and a silver sword on their side for weapons . The elves did not like differences among their outfits . They valued recognition and respect and it was expected for everyone to know the face of those at higher positions . Marioth 's position as their leader , however , was given out by his purple cloak . At least it used to be purple , now it had a whole range of colors - brown and black from mud and dirt because of the journey , red from blood because of unexpected encounters on the road , and it even had some green but one wasn 't quite sure where that came from . The horn kept blowing . " One of these days you 'll drive me mad . " His eyes were still focused on the heavy gate , as if trying to figure out how exactly it was created . " There 's a large fort with a village behind this gate hosting at least a few thousand elves . If no one answered that horn blowing by now , it means there 's no one close enough to hear it . " " It tells us you ask stupid questions . We can 't go through here . These gates are closed only during feasts in the capitol and during times of war . I 'm most displeased I didn 't get my invitation regardless of which of the two forced them to lock the place . But it means everyone has departed for the capitol . " One of the elves in the group rode ahead to them . " If you don 't mind me asking , " said the captain of the army , " if our mission is that important , why don 't we consider bringing this gate down ? " He had a thing for smashing things into pieces . The bigger they are , the harder they hit the ground seemed to be his motto . " I do mind you asking . " Marioth turned to face him . " But not as much as I mind your ignorance . Have you seen this thing ? It 's survived wars , rebellions , even burning stars fallen from the sky . This lot can 't even make a scratch on it , and we don 't have any particular firepower with us either . " He turned toward the horn - blower , who was also the horse carer and note - taker . " How quickly can these mounts take us to the next gate ? " " Well … " The horn - blower pondered . " There is no official road on the east side , at least nowhere near . But if we head northeast through the forest we might be able to reach the next gate in three days . If we 're lucky . " " Grab the parchment and make sure everyone has a piece of paper with the following message , ' Rayhnar worked against us , and so did Rhissa . Beware of the Sorcerers Guild . ' Our task is to the deliver that message to the royal family , and someone has to do that at all costs . Even if that is the lives of everyone else here . " " You two take three man and head toward the gate on the west side . The rest will go with me to the gate on the east . We ride out in a bit , tell everyone to be ready . " After two long days Marioth and his group of men were making their way out of the forest , which would put them about a day away from their target . Or so they hoped , there was no road there nor any signs , a man could not say where precisely he was or how much longer he had to walk to reach some signs of life . They had to do a bit of walking in between the riding , the forest was too thick and dense at places and elsewhere the terrain was too rocky and covered with rubble . But that was no longer the case and they could even see a valley ahead of them now . " We press hard from here , we may even reach the gate before the next day . " Marioth tried to boost their morale . They had lost a couple of good men and their count was closer to thirty . They ran into a group of trolls on their first day , though they managed to get away with injuries and no casualties . But then that same night a den of wildcats took them by surprise . They were large felines , almost as large as their horses , with claws sharper than any steel and teeth strong enough to break some weaker steel . He thought they were fortunate enough with the number of lost men . Yet the worst things usually happen when you least expect them , and this was no different case . Just as Marioth made it beyond the last trees , a huge ball of fire landed ahead of him , giving his horse a big enough scare that almost threw him off his saddle . An arrow made its way to his left arm as well , and by that time it seemed all hell broke loose - there was fire everywhere , more fiery balls landing left and right , and a rain of arrows was falling everywhere around him . He managed to yell out a simple " Run ! " before charging ahead himself . Once he felt he was in more steady control of his mount , Marioth managed a look back to see what 's happening . Along the trees at the edge of the forest there were people , both elven sorcerers and humans armed with bows and arrows . This plotting and scheming runs deeper than I assumed , he thought to himself . Below , chaos had taken over . There was fire everywhere and the land was covered with arrows . If he didn 't have other things on his mind he 'd be pondering how the enemy planned on surviving the fire that was quickly climbing along the trees . His worry was about his men who he could not account for . A few were following him , several lied dead or were burning in flames , but there was no sign of the rest . He decided the fire likely sent them in different directions . Might be for the best , maybe that will give some of us the chance to get away . He did not have that chance , as he was soon blasted with a fireball himself . His horse fell head - first , throwing Marioth forward and sending him to roll over several feet ahead . His body was broken , he knew that . He was putting all his strength to get up and keep moving , but the pain was too big and he felt too weak , he only managed to slightly raise himself to get a better look of the battlefield . There was no battlefield though , only the remains of one . If any of his men were still alive , he could not say as he could only see bodies and fire . And her . He could see Rhissa standing a few feet to his right . " Oh , nothing . Don 't worry , they 're alive . I only did to them what you did to me , locked them up in that ugly troll residence . They saved me so I figured I owed them something . " Rhissa was cackling with laughter . " Me ? Work with humankind ? No , no . You 've got this all wrong . They 're working for me and the merry band of witches and wizards you so despise . " [ This is part one of " Equiroth " , a story set in a fantasy world . Part two can be found at SSS : Journey and part three can be found at SSS : Tranquility . Keep in mind that while the stories are related , they 're not necessarily continuous . ] Thenael glanced from the side of the rock to get a better view of the surroundings . The first troll was standing a couple of feet away from them , likely guarding the bridge behind it . It was more of a massive chunk of stone that conveniently connected this side of the mountain to the otherwise inaccessible hill on the other side . There were wooden barricades on the other side that prevented him from viewing the second troll . But the first troll was fully exposed . It was probably twice as tall as Thenael , and twice as big as well . A dark brown monster of extraordinary size and strength , it could easily crush anyone with a single blow . Yet , with large size came a large head and Thenael found those make for an easy target . " Go ! " He fired the arrow and didn 't waste even a single second but rushed ahead , knowing well enough that they both did their job . As Thenael was running toward the bridge the troll was about to hit the ground , it being dead from the two arrows in its head . Instead of heading toward the bridge he went for the troll , quickly switching his bow for his sword . He used it to impale the troll on his way down , slowing its fall and preventing a hard hit to the ground . It did the trick as their position wasn 't given out . Dalyne had managed to cross the bridge and jump at the second troll , slashing the back of its head with her sword . Thenael was making his way there when a third troll came out , waving a heavy wooden club in an attempt to hit Dalyne . She was escaping his swings , but had no space for an attack . Thenael grabbed his bow and fired a single shot at the troll . The troll being in movement , the arrow barely hit its left shoulder , yet it proved to be enough of a distraction to let Dalyne cut its stomach wide open . Whether the roar or the battle sounds gave them away , one couldn 't know , but two more trolls were charging their way . Thenael managed to hit one in the left with an arrow before switching to his melee weapon , but Dalyne wasn 't that lucky . Caught by surprise , the troll managed to hit her with a club , throwing her back near the edge of the hill . Thenael moved forward to distract the troll , yet unable to manage a blow to it , the whole thing looked like dancing where the elf moved away just before the club hit him . Dalyne managed to get up in time to avoid an attack from the limping troll , and him not being armed with anything she found it easy enough to manage a small slash in their own dancing routine . Soon enough the limping troll was tired and hurt enough to allow her a final slash . She grabbed her bow and shot an arrow at the back of the other troll , giving Thenael the chance to slide his sword inside the troll . Dalyne simply nodded . " We better get moving though , " she said and made her way inside the cave on the hill . It was a dark place , its only source of light being whatever came from the outside and it was clear trolls have no sense for organizing . Everything was throwing around , and that everything seemed to be whatever the trolls managed to get their hands on . There were weapons , but also furniture and pieces of furniture ; there were barrels and boxes filled with food , rocks , coal , but also branches and other pieces of wood . " I 'm over here ! " A voice yelled from the back of the cave . It was Rhissa , the sorceress tasked with providing counsel to their leader and magical aid to all within their city . She was wearing iron shackles and the chain was tied to the wall of the cave . " No , don 't do that ! " The sorceress stopped her . " These have been enchanted with a spell and cannot be broken with simple weapons . Only magic which does not belong to the wearer can break them . " As Dalyne poured the potion over the shackles , their silvery color turned darker and darker until they became fully black . At that point the sorceress easily broke them free with her magic . " Thank you , I am finally free . " " Let 's go , we don 't have a lot of time to waste . " Thenael made his way out of the cave first , but the others were following right behind . But just as they made their way out , the rock acting as a bridge cracked and broke into many pieces which all fell down and left them with no way out of there . Standing there shocked , Thenael and Dalyne both turned to the sorceress for an answer , only to find she 's no longer there . " What did just happen here ? " Dalyne asked him , but received no answer from Thenael . Instead , the answer came from the other side of where the bridge was . " In short , you 've been played . " The sorceress could not be found behind them because she was in front of them . " Which is not to say I didn 't need your help , I am still grateful for that . It was your uncle who got me locked up here though . " " He did . " The sorceress nodded . " Except , I tried to stop him and in the process I revealed my true position and intensions . Unfortunately I underestimated the power of our troops , or well , the power of his troops . I was never one of you . " " I didn 't get away with anything . He only locked me here temporarily ; it was his intention to judge me only after he returns from his mission at the capitol . You see , with my plan revealed , there were far more pressing matters for him than my fate . " Rhissa looked at her for a moment , as if pondering what to tell her . " Nothing that concerns you , and it 's a story I have no time for . You fancy elves enjoy your time together , I 'll be back to have fun with you once I 've handled your uncle . " And with a grin on her face , the sorceress disappeared into thin air . There was no puff of smoke to announce her disappearance ; she simply faded away , becoming more and more transparent until there was no sign of her . You 're a student even after you finish your education , living isn 't cheap and you aim to get by with as little expenses as possible . So I found myself two new roommates , Joshua and Chris , and we rented an old apartment in a poorer part of the city . It was on the third floor of the building , it had a room for each of us , plus a living room , a kitchen , and a bathroom . A nice addition was that it had a small balcony , though there wasn 't much of a view from it as a very tall and broad oak tree was situated in front of it . Thing went well for the first few weeks , the living conditions were good , the job wasn 't horrid and the payment was decent . There was even a non - working holiday which gave us a prolonged weekend and I decided to head back home and spend those days with my family . Or at least I thought I will . On Sunday I got a call from Chris , who wanted to make sure I heard the news from him - Joshua was dead . There is no right way for delivering news as those , especially if you 're going to say it was a suicide , as this appeared to the case . I couldn 't sleep that night . Who could , in a similar situation ? I may not have known him that long , but he had never shown any signs of being unhappy or that he had trouble . As earliest as I could in the morning I went back to the apartment . Chris was there , but he looked even worse than me , his face was as pale as marble and he had a troubled look . That could not be solely from lack of sleep . Unfortunately , I was correct in my assumption . He thought the police are passing it off as a suicide but to him it looked like a murder . He was the one who found the crime scene . He went to get food , and upon his return he found Joshua in the yard , body broken in a thousand pieces and blood splattered everywhere . After calling the police , even though panicking he spent a few moments examining the place . There was blood where the body was lying , that would have been expected , but there it also everywhere nearby on the ground and even some on the building . He thought it didn 't look like the body was dragged around either , it looked like it was thrown around . Chris wasn 't pale because of lack of sleep ; he was pale because of what he had witnessed . At first I thought the shock had done its job and he was exaggerating the details unintentionally . But I went outside and there was blood on the side of the building . The ground looked clear , whatever the cops did overnight they must have cleared that somehow , but the side of the building still showed evidence from the crime . That 's not the worst part , after turning around I noticed blood on another place - the huge old oak tree . Someone clearly attempted to clean it off , but between the barks the red color was still running . It was a horrid sight that forces your mind to imagine what happened here . I was failing at that but it didn 't help with feeling bad . As I was getting back to the apartment I noticed someone leaving . Chris explained it was a neighbor from the top floor ; we had never seen him before because he avoided walking around and preferred staying closed in . Apparently he offered Chris his condolences and told him that he too had experienced something similar , his wife died two years back and the case was also closed as a suicide . Not only that , but over the last two years the man had learned that several tenants had died in the same manner since the building was constructed , and there were other killings near the buildings - in all of those the cases were closed off as suicides or were never truly resolved . We were enraged , but that rage was engulfed with fear . We didn 't know what exactly had happened or why for that matter , but we did know it was no suicide and it seemed clear the authorities are ignoring it or avoiding it . It may need digging deeper , it may need a lot of effort and courage if we ever feel capable of following up on what happened . One thing was clear to both of us , we could not be spending a day more in this place where each look outside the window would remind us of what had happened to Joshua . We packed our bags that same day and went out to look for a new place . As I was walking away from the building I threw one last glance at it . The huge oak tree stood out among all things , now all red and creepy . At that moment , in that specific light , it seemed like the blood had formed a face on it . A face with a grotesque and maniacal red smile on it . Being part of winter the months of January and February are usually filled with cold , rainy , and windy days . Thus one usually finds it enjoyable to spend those days at home with a cup of warm coffee . Or , since it is also the awards season for motion pictures , one might also enjoy going to the cinema to catch up with award nominees . My roommate and I are avid movie fans so that 's what we used to . It all stopped one night four years ago . The night I have in mind we were going to see a thriller romance , which we would usually avoid but it featured Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp so we thought to ourselves how bad can it really be ? Awfully bad , apparently . I guess it didn 't help that I had pulled two shifts at a fast food restaurant before going to the midnight screening of the movie . Somewhere along the way I must have fallen asleep . Which is quite normal with me being tired and the movie not entertaining enough to keep me awake . What isn 't normal is waking up all sweaty and frightened as if I 've had a nightmare but not remembering any details . The first thing I realized is that I was at the cinema . The next thing I did was look left to where my roommate was sitting but he wasn 't there , his seat was empty . In fact , after looking around the room I noticed all seats were empty . The cinema was empty , there was no one there but myself . I was more confused than frightened at this point but I could sense a fear setting in . I saw the movie was over , though a black screen was clearly still projecting , as if the credits were to run but there was no change . If the movie ended , why wouldn 't my friend wake up ? Why wouldn 't I wake up from noise of everyone else leaving ? Aren 't there staff members who check the rooms after each screening ends ? Too many questions and no answers . As I moved toward the exit of the cinema I pulled out my cell phone with the idea to call my roommate , but it had likely ran out of battery because I couldn 't turn it on . No biggie , I told myself , until I reached the cinema 's front door and realized it 's locked . I tried pushing , pulling , even kicking it but it wouldn 't budge . While with each push and pull and kick I could fear my heart racing faster and faster . How did this happen ? Am I spending the night at this place ? I was set on finding a phone , they had to have one somewhere . Making my way through the halls though , I started pondering if just sleeping off the night isn 't a smarter move . I could hear noise . The noise quickly turns into more clear sounds . And the sounds soon turn into voices . What if I 'm not alone here ? Is that a good or a bad thing ? My brain was tired , my body was exhausted , I needed sleep and not creepy thoughts , so I took a deep breath and moved toward the source of the voices . Getting closer to them , I realized they 're not actual human voices . It sounded like they were coming from a TV - and rightfully so , there was a movie playing . From fear to disappointment , I could not catch a break . I had almost decided to give up and find a comfortable place for spending the night , when I noticed a black shadow in the front rows . It looked like a small dark figure moving quickly between the seats , making its way toward the back exit of the room . In the dark I could not see who or what it was , I just stood there observing its movement . As the light of the movie changed , from dark to light , I caught a glimpse of it before it disappeared through the exit . An extremely thin , crooked figure . It wasn 't small as I thought , it looked tiny because most of its body was slithering on the floor . I was seeing everything from a different point of view now - there was no sign of my friend , my cell phone wasn 't working , I was in an empty , locked up cinema , and there was something else with me there . Something I couldn 't even define and the bare thought of it send shivers down my spine . I was frozen , blocked , unable to move or maybe I just didn 't know where to go but I knew I was just standing there . I tried to shake off the negativity from my mind and left the room . I decided I 'll lock myself up in the owner 's office so I made my way down the hall . I didn 't make it even ten feet when I saw the thing again . It was coming from the restricted areas , it had likely visited the offices - but how did it get there so quickly ? Or were there more than one ? I noticed that I can hear the thing making a snake - like hissing , but stronger , sharper , and it sounded a bit deeper . It 's probable that in the previous room the sound from the movie was preventing me from hearing any of this , but now the hall was mostly quiet and I could hear it . I could hear it clearer and clearer . It was coming this way . At this point I was completely worn out . My body and my mind kept reminding me about the lack of sleep , lack of food , lack of water , and pointing to the excess stress , dismay , and fear . I did not have the energy or the will to pretend that I 'm strong or that I 'm smart or to make strategic moves . I decided to make a run for it . The bathroom was close , I could lock myself up in there and hope I make it to the morning . Due to being exhausted my running wasn 't very fast , and even though I 'm sure my feet were stumping on the ground and my heart was thumping , all I could hear was the noise the slithering was making . I was so focused on reaching the bathroom that I didn 't think about other possibilities - just as I was about to enter the bathroom I noticed there 's a short corridor on the right that has stairs which lead to the roof . I pushed the bathroom door as hard as I can , hoping it distracts the thing , and made a run for the roof . The idea of getting away from that thing and that place gave me hope and strength , I could feel myself rushing at a faster pace than before . In fact I was moving so fast that I completely forgot to lock the door behind me . I thought to myself if there are stairs to the roof then there must be fire - escape stairs that lead down from the building . And there were , I could see them as soon as I came out on the roof and without even stopping to take a breath I kept running . I 'm not sure if due to my state or my rush , as I was going down the last stairs I slipped and couldn 't hold onto them . Within a second I found myself on the ground , lying on the back and my whole body aching while all I could do is let out a scream of pain . I keep going back to this moment , I 'm not sure if it was a response to my scream or a victorious roar of its own , but at that exact moment the thing peeked from the room and let out a vicious hissing sound that resonated across the whole street . Despite all the pain and exhaustion , I pushed myself up on my feet and started running . I never glanced back , not even once . I just kept running . I do not remember how but apparently I almost made it to the hospital , I had collapsed nearby and someone picked me up and took me inside . I awoke the next day , but the joy of surviving last night 's happenings quickly faded away . While I made it out alive , I was informed my roommate didn 't , or at least they couldn 't find him . In fact , they couldn 't find any of the people who were in that cinema last night , I was the only person who made it . |
Beth stopped in mid - chew and her mouth hung open most ungraciously . Billy had whistled in disbelief and now he could not look at me . I felt so small - one person in one chair in one café in one city in the whole world . How could I possibly make such a big decision ? " What are you going to do ? " Billy asked . He was not laughing and he did not look surprised . Instead he looked like a cop interrogating a suspect . Maybe Jake had shown him how . " Do you love him ? " Beth 's voice was quiet , like she couldn 't believe she was even asking such a thing . " I don 't know . " Billy put his fork down . " No , Lauren . No you do not love him . No you will not marry him , or take him back for one fucking second . I 'm sorry to be the voice of reason here , but this man ruined your life . RUINED YOUR LIFE . He kicked you to the curb for some slut and they played house in your fucking home . He disrespected you every time he breathed . If you 'd never caught him , then what ? One , five , ten years later you catch him ? You walk in the front door with your two fucking kids in tow and some whore is standing half - naked in your kitchen wondering where daddy keeps the sugar ? No fucking way , Lauren . " My whole face burned . I knew that every word Billy said was true , and said with love behind it . Clearly I was incapable of defending myself so Billy was going to do it for me . We sat still for a full minute while the fury of his words burned into my heart . Beth pushed her plate away . I 'd forgotten how mad I was . He 'd walked right back into my life with a hundred apologies , a couple of blue shirts and a library card , and I just held the door open . When I got to my house , he was outside . I 'm going to have to move , I thought to myself . " Hey , " he said , standing on the step . " Thought I might have scared you last night , came to make sure you were okay . " He walked down toward me . " Lauren ? " " What if I hadn 't caught you ? " My voice hitched as I said it . I fought back tears , knowing I would undo my own point if I cried : I needed to be angry . My words hung in the air . Billy was right . What if I had never seen with my own eyes what Alex was doing ? How easily I could have missed the biggest event in my own life . We 'd have stayed together , probably married , maybe had a baby by now . He 'd have dragged me all over North America , spiraling downward while I bobbed behind like a rubber duck , complete with stupid smile on my face . What if I had never known ? " I don 't know , Lauren . That was what I needed , my wake up call . You need to hit rock bottom before you can start making your way back up . That day was my rock bottom . " He tried to come near me , but I backed away . " Tell me , Alex . Would you have carried on with her ? Would you still be fucking someone else , right now , if we 'd stayed together all this time ? " " I hope not , " he said . " I hope I would have figured out for myself that I was making a mistake . Maybe slapped myself around instead of making you do it . But it 's all hypothetical . I want to say I would have stopped , but I won 't give myself credit for something that I didn 't do . " His hands were in were pockets . A dark soft shell jacket flapped open across his stomach . He looked at the ground as he spoke and I could feel the pain that still existed between us . I spent so long wrapped in my own despair that I never realized Alex was doing the same thing . Every time he thought of me , he relived his own terrible mistake . Yet here he was - back in my city , waiting on my porch , wanting to spend the rest of his life with me . You have to want something pretty badly if you 're willing to suffer your own humiliation every day just to be near it . That night was the hardest since Alex returned . I wasn 't sure he 'd come back , ever . The real , true end to our story that I 'd been wishing for all this time might have actually been written . And I was so scared I 'd chosen the wrong one . I did something I swore I 'd never do . I pulled a box out the back of my closet and tossed every photo that I hadn 't destroyed onto the bed . There weren 't many - I 'd spent some very long hours cutting and tearing . But a few were so good , so precious that they 'd survived the massacre . Perhaps I thought someday I 'd be over him enough to look at them again . Never once had I anticipated this . Alex and I at our first Christmas party - taken not long after we 'd met . We looked so young . My hair was straight , my face a little rounder . Alex had one hand over my head holding a piece of mistletoe , smiling as wide as I 'd ever seen . With Kara and Jarome on their boat in Chestermere Lake . I 'm squinting into the sun , hand over my eyes . Alex is sprawled next to me on the bench . Kara 's sitting on Jarome 's lap . One of their kids had taken the photo . Alex shoveling snow from our driveway . We 'd had a few good storms that year and I always wondered if this one was taken after he started seeing someone else . But he looked so cute - like a snowman all bundled up . He 'd whipped a shovelful of snow at the window where I stood , so a white out - of - focus blob showed in the top corner . At the bottom of the pile , my favorite photo ever - Alex sleeping . Just sleeping . He lay on his side , curled a little inward , bare shoulder visible just beyond the comforter . Early morning light spilled into the room . I don 't think he ever knew I 'd taken that picture ; it was the first time I 'd ever woken up next to him . My eyes stung , the picture blurred . Waking up next to him . What if that 's where I was meant to be ? I went to the game the next day . I didn 't wear his jersey or stand by the glass , I just watched and ate popcorn and talked to Kara about anything else I could think of . The team was leaving for a road trip , but I didn 't say goodbye . The next six days went by very slowly . I 'd learned the hard way that libraries were not the place to keep your mind off things . Unless you were reading , you were thinking . And my job was not to read every book in the place . I watched the Flames ' three games on TV , not - so - secretly hoping to see Alex looking as distracted and fraught as I felt . The few times they showed him , including once scoring a goal , he looked fine . Maybe he doesn 't miss me anymore . " Come on , nothing but these guys for six days is boring , " Pardy said over the phone . " Pick you up in an hour for dinner . I 'm buying . " I locked up at the library and went home to change . Fifty - nine minutes later , Adam rang the bell . " Meeting us there . " Then he laughed . He and Jake were besties now and they really would have made a cute couple . I wondered what they 'd think of Jake at the Flames ' Better Halves charity events . Jake , and Robyn , his girlfriend Kristen , and a couple of other guys met us at the same steakhouse we always went to . I practically knew the menu by heart . We 'd apparently arrived early for drinks , and I was halfway through a beer when Alex walked in . " Yes , " Jake took my beer and replaced it with a highball glass . " He did . " I tossed back the bourbon and made a face as it seared down my throat . " Bastard . " Miss No - Pants herself was blocking his way , cooing hello with a hand all over his arm . Alex looked surprised and his eyes darted around . I stepped behind Jake so he wouldn 't see me . From around his side , I watched as this woman laughed and tossed her hair . I couldn 't see much of his face , but hers was really animated . She wore a white collared shirt and black pants but I still hadn 't really seen her from the front . I wanted to know what she looked like now , and how she was looking at him . Adam watched at me strangely as I wheeled away and circled the far end of the dining room . I practically had to cross the dining room and stand between two tables , but I finally got a good look at her . She smiled like a First Lady . All ' please please believe me . ' Blond bangs swept to the side and her perky updo was sprayed into place . She wore more makeup , but she looked good . She looked the same . Shit , she looks the same . And her hand was on Alex 's arm . For his part , he looked alarmed . He was laughing tightly and trying to keep from getting too close , even backing up a step as she pretended to let someone pass behind her . Her hand slid down from toward his wrist and then I saw it : Apron . Near the table , I grabbed Jake 's arm and pulled him into the seat next to me . Adam seemed to take the hint and sat on my other side . Everyone was laughing and chatting , still carrying drinks when they arrived . Alex took a seat across from Jake and just stared at me . No one got a word in before she arrived . " Hi guys , I 'll be your server tonight . My name 's … , " and then she saw me . I swear time stopped as her eyes went wide as saucers . They flicked from me to Alex , then back . Calculations ran over her face : not sitting together , here with other guys , no rings on hands . She gathered herself surprisingly well . " I 'm Jackie . I see some of you have drinks , would anyone else like anything to start ? " She stared at her notepad , willing someone to give her something to write down . Adam got a beer , Jake a sidecar . The look in Alex 's eyes was terror . I couldn 't watch for more than a second and I could hardly breathe anyway . The last thing I needed was for him to start apologizing . A busboy brought bread and butter , but I pushed my plate toward Jake . Best not to have ammunition if you might start throwing things . She 'd regained her composure by the time she came back . She served me first - a big glass of iced tea with a lemon hanging from the rim . Next to it she put another glass , what looked like a mojito . We made it through dinner . I ordered and ate , even laughed a little , and watched her as she moved around the room . Alex didn 't say much at all . When we finished and collected our stuff , I went outside first . Through the window I watched what I knew would happen - she caught up to Alex , handed him a piece of paper and twirled away . She never was worried about me . " Bar ? " Pardy asked . Jake gave me a hard look , like he wanted to know what the hell was going on before he agreed to go anywhere with me . I nodded slightly . " Make it four , " I squeezed between Robyn and Jake at the bar . The bartender lined up four shots of tequila . Before the guys could get a proper toast out , I tossed one back , then than another , bit the lime and ordered a beer . They started like I 'd just grown a horn out of my forehead . Every single one of them slowly closed their eyes . It was the only natural response to something you couldn 't bear to think about - if I don 't see you , then you 're not real . When Alex reached us , they all turned to him like a defensive line waiting for the football snap . I took my beer , then his arm and steered him away . Now he looked scared . I knew he hadn 't meant to , had just panicked , but I was going to make him sweat for it . If I could order an iced tea from that two dollar hooker then he could sure as hell try to explain why he 'd taken her phone number . He laid it in my palm , number side up . It was written in blue ink . I took my beer and slowly , deliberately poured the entire contents of the bottle over my open hand . The ink bled , then ran , the number disappearing into a dark smudge . A whole bottle takes a long time to pour and I watched the digits slowly dissolve . When my drink was empty , I flipped my hand and the soggy scrap fell to the floor . What the fucking hell do I do now ? My reflection had no answers . I had seen that Alex obviously had no feelings for her - instead he was worried about me and scared that his teammates would hate him . That was something . But what do I do ? Alex took a deep breath before walking to the bar . Jake , Adam , Robyn and Kristen were staring at him - they obviously knew . Time to take another beating , Alex thought . He 'd given himself so many he was practically numb . This would be bad though . Last time he 'd been able to run from the team almost immediately after it happened . He wanted to stay here , wanted to like it here . It was hard to know that not a single one of these guys had his back . But he was wrong . Jake let him through and slapped him on the back . " Well that was awkward . " And then he laughed . Alex could have kissed him , put Pardy would have knocked him out . Alex 's laugh was a little stiff . " Not the way I pictured tonight going . " He ordered everyone a round of drinks , then raised a glass . " Don 't fuck up , people , because it never stops coming back to haunt you . " I took a brand new beer from Alex 's outstretched hand . The tension had broken - everyone was smiling , Robyn and Kristen were kissing . Hmmm , I wonder . " Just in case , " he smiled . " Lauren , I 'm sorry about that . I guess it was bound to happen eventually , so maybe I 'm glad it did now . Before you decide if you want to give me another chance . " This conversation had been building for a long time . Maybe since I 'd first heard about the trade , maybe since I 'd pulled into the drive to find him sitting on my steps . Tonight he wore a tan shirt that made him seem very blonde and washed him out a little . I thought about throwing it away someday . But that would mean being in his house , our house , folding his clothes or helping him pack . We would have a life together or we would have nothing , because this maybe - friends thing was not working . There was too much back story for our characters to run parallel courses . We were going to collide , or keep colliding , until we either merged or veered apart . I 'd veered once already and frankly , I hadn 't liked where the road had led . " Okay , Alex . " That 's all I said . No promises or ultimatums , no guarantees . Just okay , and everything that came with it . I will give you another chance . Heaven help me . I watched as the words made their way to his brain and registered like cherries on a slot machine in his eyes . He smiled , then really smiled . In a great big rush he grabbed me alongside the table and kissed me on the mouth . The bar surely collapsed around us into a pile of rubble and dust as an earthquake tore the floor apart . Beams fell , glasses broke , unlucky faceless bystanders were squashed in the melee . The mirror shattered and crashed to the floor with the sound snow would make if it weighed enough . But when I opened my eyes , everything still stood . Jake , Robyn , Kristen , Adam , even the busboy mopping up the beer I 'd poured onto the floor - they all looked back at us , surprised and amazed . I giggled and they all laughed . Then Alex kissed me again . We left immediately - not that anyone expected us to stay . I tossed Jake my keys and practically ran from the place . Alex drove out of the parking lot and a few streets down before he pulled over on the side of the road . " Are you sure about this ? " he asked me . " I mean , do you really want this ? Because I want this so much that if you 're not sure we should wait . I know what I did to you and that I deserve anything horrible you might do in return . But please , Lauren . I cannot go through losing you again . " " Alex , I should not still love you , but I do . I think if we can survive all this , we can get through anything . " I felt strong , nearly invincible . All the bad things that had happened , the lost weeks I 'd spent in black depression , the pictures I 'd cut and the memories I 'd burned - they felt swept away . Alex pulled back onto the road and drove to my house . He leapt out and I thought he was coming around to open my door . But he went to the steps , turned around and waited for me . My porch light glowed behind him . I got close … " Told you I would ask again , " he said , pulling the ring from the padding . " Lauren , I love you . I never want to lose you again . If you 'll do me the honor of letting me back into your life I swear that I will never , ever give you another reason to doubt me . I will spend the next hundred years making you the happiest woman on Earth . It 's true that you don 't ask that question if you don 't know the answer . But it 's also true that you don 't let someone ask . And I let Alex ask . Kara held out a piece of paper to me . I put my drink in the cup holder of the seat in front of us , took the paper and held it . She shook her head . " You are on your own here . " I 'd spent most of the night awake , mad at myself and at Alex . Who does he think he is ? Waltzing in here like suddenly he 's going to start solving problems instead of causing them ? Bullshit . Not a chance . And what is he doing in my house ? Why am I letting him get close ? Sleep calmed me significantly , and I woke before my alarm ; my mind was not done tossing the issue around . He doesn 't know what else to do . He 's taking whatever I give him , and I gave him that chance . Part of me really enjoyed watching him fish for opportunities to treat me nicely . I got to see him squirm and in the end , got something for myself . Selfish . I am not in this for revenge . Remember what it feels like to have someone treat you badly . " It 's okay , you sap . " I was in the hallway between the locker room and the parking lot , sitting on a table . Alex 's gray suit made his wet hair look darker . Apprehension was replaced by a smile . " I knew the handwriting would work on you . Librarians ! " he said like he 'd ever known another , like he 'd even met any others . With the slightest bit of hesitation , he asked , " Drink ? " I let him take me across town to a wine bar . We 'd gone there quite a few times together , and I had not been back since . He looked sheepish when he realized what he 'd done . " Not many places left from two years ago . These are the only ones I know . " We slid into a booth . He opened his mouth to apologize and I held up my hand . " Stop saying you 're sorry . Stuff like this is going to happen . Save it for when there 's something to be sorry about . " He shrugged as if he didn 't but it but was glad to be off the hook . " Same goes for me . I 'm sorry I overreacted about the loan , " I said . " I appreciate the offer , but I am taking care of it myself . " " I never doubted you could take care of yourself . But the offer stands , if you change your mind . " He handed me the menu and let me pick the wine . This had been a great place for a date , back in the day . The booths were mostly for couples - cozy with one seat on each side . Dark walls and tables , candles on the tables . It wasn 't so much romantic as it felt expensive , decadent . I thought of all the things I 'd missed doing and places I 'd avoided since they only reminded me of Alex . If maybe I 'd be able to go back to them now . I watched Alex over the rim of my glass . He seemed different , more grounded . I had burned most of our good memories like a brushfire , but a few remained . Even in those he was lighter , more frivolous . Maybe he really had changed in two years - I knew that I had . A bad run can do that to you . Missed . I missed most of it too . In truth , little had changed on the surface . Same job , same friends , no boyfriend . But I liked all those things as they were - they had been my life raft . Those parts of my life had gotten stronger because I 'd leaned on them . Not the other way around . " Not too much , " I replied honestly . " Went to Mexico , hated it . Went to Peru and loved it . Learned a fair amount of Spanish that I 've now forgotten . Fostered a dog for a while , that was fun . " Alex studied the crimson liquid in his glass . " Nothing much either . Montreal was hard , but the summer after was pretty good . My brother got married . Then Tampa Bay , which I think could have been better except for the injuries . Concussion , a leg problem that wouldn 't heal … . " He shook his head , sending the bad vibes away . " For a while I wasn 't sure what would happen . Then I got this call . " He looked around the bar like it was this in particular he 'd been coming back to . Then he looked at me the same way . " I didn 't know if this call was a second chance or a disaster waiting to happen . " Alex tipped his glass up , draining the last drop . " I know I 've said it , but thanks Lauren . " For the first time since Alex came back into my life , I really let his gratitude sink in . I was proud of the way I 'd handled most of his return . Not just because I was being nice to someone who had been so horrible to me - though the moral high ground felt great . But also because I was , for the most part , generally okay with having Alex in my life . That meant I had healed and come a very , very long way from the floor of Beth 's apartment two years ago . Maybe all that suffering had actually paid off . I almost said yes right away . Of course he could see me tomorrow . But maybe Beth was right and it 's too much , too soon without time in between to process everything . He felt compelled to cover up my hesitation . Before lunchtime , my phone vibrated . One of the old ladies who hung around the library all the time gave me a dirty look like she worked there and I was breaking the rules . Listen lady , unless you have some good advice on ex - boyfriends then stuff it . " I am asking myself the same thing . " I put my head down on a stack of returned books . " What am I supposed to do ? He 's here . He 's everywhere , all the time . And I think that he might be serious , Billy . He might actually be the person I fell in love with , minus all the bad things . " Something is different , I knew . " He doesn 't try to hide them . He hasn 't once denied anything , tried to shirk responsibility or change the subject . It 's like self - flagellation , actually . I think I 'm some kind of penance . " I tried on every dress in my closet . I almost decided on a blue one then realized I 'd had it over two years and Alex must have seen it before . What kind of sad , dateless spinster wears a two year old dress to dinner with her ex - boyfriend ? I put it aside for Goodwill . Finally I chose a deep yellow dress , almost mustard color , that I knew looked great with my dark hair . It seemed appropriate for autumn and had some killer shoes to match . " Wow , " Alex said when I opened the door . He looked nice too - black pinstripe trousers and a bright blue shirt . Damn that shirt . He knew exactly what that color did for him , and to me . We went to a new Italian place that I 'd read about in the paper . Alex joked that he 'd read it too , looking for a place we 'd never been . It had a roaring fireplace to fight off the fall chill , and a floor - to - ceiling wine rack behind the bar . There must have been a thousand bottles catching and throwing the recessed lighting that shone down on them . Alex ordered tonight 's bottle and we agreed to share food . Over artichoke bruschetta with heirloom tomatoes , Alex raised his glass to mine . " What are we celebrating ? " I asked . This felt like a special occasion and I was trying not to get freaked out . It was obviously a date . What I 'd been thinking when I agreed was a mystery to me . The dishes were excellent ; butternut squash ravioli in cream sauce , lasagna Florentine , tiramisu . I could have curled up in the low , warm lighting . Alex 's eyes were endlessly blue . I figured I looked pretty good too - it was the kind of place that made everyone look good . By the end , I was happy and cozy and a little tired . We walked across the parking lot to the car and Alex opened my side . I never made it to the door . Alex put his outside hand on my hip , drew me in and kissed me lightly on the mouth . So lightly there was almost no contact . The barest sliver of his lip touched mine - it was enough to replicate the blast from the atomic bomb . It went through me like ice cold water in the middle of a hot shower . Complete numbing surprise . My mind shut down my body , like it would do in a medical emergency . All auxiliary systems lost power - thinking , feeling , blinking . Even breathing was slow to respond . " Lauren , " he said , his voice husky . In the dim recesses of my brain , beneath the bleat of " THIS IS NOT A TEST " droning from my emergency response system , I heard him . I heard the desire in his voice . The longing . The self - control he was exerting not to kiss me again and the permission he was asking to do it anyway . His mouth on mine , just for a heartbeat , had shot the lock off the door holding back all the memories . Good and bad they came pouring out . Waking up next to him , waking up alone . Cheering for him , trying to cheer him up . Laughing , fighting , kissing , crying . And a very visceral , forceful physical recollection of what it was like when Alex and I made love . I had really almost forgotten . Two years is a long time to be alone . In order to get through , I 'd blocked out the best parts of what I was missing , and the sex was very near the top of that list . It had been the first memory to go into the incinerator . He 'd been giving it away , to Miss No - Pants and , I assumed , some other slut in every city on the map . So what we had felt so special to me , what literally moved me like nothing before , was just some party trick he handed out like candy . Burn baby , burn . Now the weight of that collided with the thoughts I 'd been having about the new Alex . If he was really different , had really grown up and found peace , would we still be like that ? Could you change two people so completely and still get the same result ? Was it really ever special at all , or was I just naive and hopelessly in love with someone who didn 't give a shit about me ? A small , audible breath escape my lips and I closed my eyes . I couldn 't take in anything else . My heart fluttered in my chest , probably drowning in adrenaline and hormones . Alex went around his side of the car and got in . He could stand there and watch the history of their lives together play across her face like a movie , but there were too many things he was ashamed of , too many moments he 'd kill to have back . I would do it all right this time . He hadn 't meant to kiss her . Not so soon , not the very first time she agreed to go out with him . Not now , not now ! He had so much work left to do , so many things still to repair . And time , he needed time to show her that he had changed . It had only been a few weeks of the season and already his game was miles ahead of last year . He was feeling it , he could do this . This place was right for him . I don 't know how long I stood there , but Alex didn 't push . He probably needed a moment himself , unless I was doing enough freaking out for us both . Finally I inhaled slowly , the smell of the fireplace inside the restaurant bringing some calm into my body . I got in and closed the door before I looked at him . " Wow , " I said . His beautiful eyes flashed relief and his whole body relaxed a notch . Apparently he 'd been as unsure of my reaction as I was . Residual hysteria was rushing to the surface . Tears stung my eyes , my heart pounded . Alex took one of my hands from my lap - it was shaking . He wrapped it into his , holding it still . His touch made me feel weaker , like I was slipping through the skin where we touched and ebbing away into him . I squeezed his hand because I couldn 't talk . He was scared and embarrassed and telling the truth . Regardless of my own feelings , whatever they might be , I appreciated his bravery . It was one of the things that had me so unglued since his return . " I 'm fully aware I have no right to love you . I lost that privilege . But no matter what I do or where I go I can 't seem to get over you . So I came back here , to the scene of my crime . You and the game are all that matter to me , in that order . If there 's any chance I could get either one back , I had to take it . " " You really have changed a lot , Alex . You 've given me more honesty in the last two months than in two years together . " I was still holding his hand . Game day and I knew I was going to do it . And take some shit for it . I honked my horn in front of Jake 's house . Kara wisely did not say anything as we sat down . She just crossed her eyes and went back to her soda . A few of the other wives and girlfriends noticed - one or two gave me sad looks , like I was tying my own noose . But a couple gave me encouraging , or at least inevitable , nods and smiles . When the Flames took the ice for warm up skate , I hauled Jake from the chair and went right down next to the glass . Pardy and Robyn saw me first then snagged Alex as he skated past . He was already smiling . When he saw the jersey , his face lit up . I didn 't give Alex the chance to ask if we should ride together , because we were certainly not leaving together . I jumped into my car and followed Pardy . This is not a lock , I reminded myself . You can wear his jersey and support him and still take this slowly . Do not get ahead of yourself here . It felt really good to give in a little to my growing feelings for Alex . He 'd been going out of his way for me and I felt right reciprocating . But that didn 't mean I was going all the way . " How long ? " he asked , leaning in closely at the bar . His broad shoulders were turned toward me , one of his strong arms across the bar behind my back . Alex tilted his head down , face close to mine and spoke softly . The pint glass slipped from my hand and hit the floor with a thump . It didn 't break , just splashed the last few sips of beer across the floor . No one noticed . He stepped in front , catching me between himself and the bar . His other arm went to the counter , cutting off my escape route . I had a forearm 's length space , which meant about two inches separated his body from mine . Until he leaned in . " You don 't have to answer , " his voice was low , almost a purr , with the faint warmth of whiskey on his breath . " But I promised you honesty , and I won 't break another promise . Just tell me when you 're ready . I 'll be waiting . " He peeled himself off me and wheeled away . I almost sagged in his absence - I 'd lost my footing when he said ' marry ' and he 'd been holding me up ever since . Marry me ? ! I quickly turned back to the bar in case anyone was watching . I definitely did not want to discuss that conversation with Robyn or Jake . " Okay Laur ? " It was Jarome . I should have known he 'd see . I looked over my shoulder at him , and he gave me a ' no - shit ' eyebrow raise . Jarome and Kara had been together since 8th grade . I loved them dearly but I wasn 't exactly going to ask them for relationship advice . They were Little House on the Prairie . Even my average love life before meeting Alex was HBO compared to theirs . Sure , I envied their happiness . But I knew my story would never be a fairy tale . An hour later , I had managed to talk a little with everyone while still trying to process Alex 's words . He had not left , but he hadn 't approached me either . He appeared to have stopped drinking so he could drive and I 'd done the same . No way was I relying on someone else for a ride home tonight . When everyone packed it in , I headed straight for my car . Alex caught up . " You don 't ask that question if you don 't know the answer , " I shot back . He shrugged , like that 's exactly what he was ready and willing to do . I saw Jarome had gotten in his car but not gone yet . I went closer to my car , opened the door and he drove off . Another car left too - maybe Robyn but it was too dark to tell . " How can I trust you , Alex ? I see that you 've changed . But I missed it before - missed that you were lying and cheating and God knows what else . Obviously I am not a very good judge of character . " " It 's worse that that , " he said looking at the ground . " Who knows what 's going to happen with my game ? Maybe I 'll get lucky and play the next eight years here . Or I could be a free agent next summer . I might be asking you to leave here to be with me . And I know you love this place . " " But it doesn 't matter , Lauren . Nothing will change the reasons . I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you . That 's it . " It was that simple for him . He 'd make his mistake and moved on . My mistake still lived everyday , tried to pay my bills and kiss me . My mistake wanted a new identity . " Next time we talk about this it will be the real thing , ring and all . I won 't know the answer . But I 'll still ask . " " Alex , it 's Kara . Lauren 's dad is in the hospital . She 's on her way home from work to head to the airport . Could you check on her ? I don 't have anyone else 's number and I can 't leave the kids here . " Alex handed Jarome back his phone . The look on Iginla 's face was unmistakable . I hate that she asked you . Fuck this up and I 'll kill you slowly . Lauren 's car was in the in the driveway . Alex flew up to the door and knocked as he was opening it . She poked her head around the corner from her bedroom . " Oh , hi . " She 'd been crying . " What are you … " and she started to sob . Her body slid down the wall . Alex was right there , wrapped around her on the floor . " My dad has to have heart surgery . They saw something they didn 't like , did a test and said he could have a heart attack any minute . They 're doing the surgery tomorrow morning . I have to get there before then , because … . " More sobbing . Alex didn 't need to hear the end of her sentence . Because he might not make it . She shook her head . " I was just going to go there and get whatever flight was next . " " Go pack . I 'll do the flight . " He pushed her toward her room . She still kept her computer on the desk in the living room . He searched a few sites and found a flight leaving for Vancouver in three hours . It would be there by dinnertime . The ticket was really expensive , but it wasn 't the price that made him pause . She had a bag open on the bed and was tossing in socks . " That would really give my dad a heart attack , " she almost laughed . " And my mom . " Her face fell again . " Sure you 'll be okay getting there ? " She nodded . He put the ticket on his card . He checked her in , printed the boarding pass and stuffed the papers into her purse . She came out with a wheelie suitcase , which he threw into the back of his car . Lauren called someone and gave them her arrival time for a ride to the house . They were two hours early for the flight . Alex pulled into short term parking and unloaded the car . Without asking , he walked into the terminal with her . She was a zombie . With an hour before she had to go through security , Alex steered her toward an empty row of seats in a quiet part of the terminal where the check - in desks were closed . He fetched a soda from the newsstand , sat down next to her and dug through her bag . He programmed his number into her phone . Her number had not changed . " When you need to come back , will you call me ? " he asked . She nodded . He laced his fingers through hers . He knew it was wrong to feel a surge of energy from holding her hand at a time like this . But he couldn 't help it . He was doing something good , something right . He was helping instead of hurting her . And he desperately wanted everything to be okay . She leaned into him and he put an arm around her shoulders . For nearly an hour , they didn 't talk . When it was time , he wheeled her to security . He opened her wallet , saw that she had no cash and stuffed fifty dollars into it . She put her ID in her pocket and held her arms out to him . It was like hugging a sad puppy . Her body was heavy and slow . He squeezed her tight , whispering that everything would be okay . Alex welcomed the distraction of the game . He 'd called after she landed to make sure she made it okay . She replied by text that she was on her way to the house . Her dad was due at the hospital at 4 AM for pre - op . Alex put his whole head into the game to keep from thinking about it . He couldn 't do anything but wait , and playing made the time fly by . He had a good game , and the coach complimented his focus . Jarome gave him a pat on the back and even a smile . " Hi , " she sounded tired and sad . " He 'll be in surgery soon . There 's nothing to do here but wait like 7 hours . Sportscenter in the waiting room showed one of your plays from last night . " " He 's okay , " she said , then burst into tears . Alex held the phone to his ear while she cried for five full minutes . Finally , gasping , she told him they 'd done a quintuple bypass , using veins from his legs , and he was still under sedation but expected to recover fully and quickly . Alex had tears in his eyes too . " When are you coming back ? " " Saturday , I think . " That was six days from now . " He 'll be out of the hospital Thursday , and once he 's settled in the house I 'll come home . " I slept for 18 hours after my dad 's surgery . I had never been so scared in my life and it completely drained me . On Wednesday they moved him from the ICU to a regular room . That afternoon , a huge bunch of flowers turned up . " These say ' From Lauren ' , " my mom read the card . My mom and sister spun to attention . The silence was deafening . Only beeps and drips echoed through the room , my dad lying knocked out on his hospital bed . " I knew he was back , " Eileen said . " I was wondering if you were ever going to mention it . I thought maybe you never saw him . " " I 'm friends with the whole team , I can 't just avoid him . And he 's really , really sorry . He 's had a rough couple of years . " It sounds lame coming out . " I remember when someone else had a rough couple of years , " my mother replied . She would show Alex little mercy . " I remember crying and screaming and some explicit death threats . I remember you disappeared for six months . " " I remember that too , believe me . It still hurts . But he is trying his best to start over . He knows he can never make it up to me . " " Look , let it go , okay ? Alex is back in town . He 's not back in my bed . " They looked at each other . " Don 't let him back in your heart , " my mom closed the subject . Thursday morning I called Alex . He asked what flight I wanted and booked the ticket . I felt awful letting him do that , but it was a lot of money . I 'd have had to ask my mom otherwise , and I didn 't know what kind of insurance we had to cover all the medical bills . No more stress for them , I thought . I could handle this on my end . I flew home Friday and Beth picked me up at the airport . I knew Alex wanted to but I begged him off . I needed to regroup . Beth and I went for coffee and I told her everything with plenty of crying in between . " Well I have to say that Alex did a nice thing , " she admitted . " But I don 't like him , Lauren . I don 't like him for you . And you are letting it happen . " " Beth , I don 't know what I 'm doing . He 's trying so hard and I always was a sucker for the guy . But I don 't trust him . I can 't . Every time I look at him , I see her . " Ms . No - Pants with the iced tea . My arch nemesis . " Every time I look at him , I see you curled up in a ball on the floor of my living room for two weeks . I had to force feed you , Lauren . Good thing I 'm a nurse or you would have died , " she said drily . " You always were my best friend , " I told her . Beth made a noise as she pulled into my drive . Alex was sitting on the steps again . I hauled my bag out , kissed her goodbye and rolled up to him . " Okay ? " He was really , honestly concerned . At least I thought so . But then again he lied to me for four months and I never saw it coming . I didn 't have much faith in my ability to read people . He pulled me into a tight hug . He was warm and soft , like getting back into bed on a cold morning . It lasted just a moment then he ended it . I realized that he has already resolved to leave immediately . I was relieved . " Thank you again , Alex . For everything . " This time , I hugged him . He put a hand into my hair and held me close . " I was really scared for you . I 'm glad it 's over , " he said . Then he left . I felt a little bereft . So much emotion over the course of a week . The last time my heart had worked that hard I 'd been cursing Alex 's name and sticking pins in his pictures . I crawled into bed and gave the pillow another 18 - hour marathon session . I slowly regained my equilibrium over the next week . My dad was recovering speedily and driving my mom crazy around the house . I started sleeping normal hours , went back to work and even watched a few Flames ' road games on TV . Alex sent me a text or two from the trip , but otherwise he seemed to sense that I needed some space after my brush with disaster . To their credit , Beth and Billy started to lighten up a bit about him . He had come through in a pinch . I was glad to hear them speak fairly , but neither would go so far as to like him again . Secretly , I was very glad for their honesty . My dad 's surgery was a brush with mortality and all kinds of crazy , panicked feelings still flooded my system : There 's no time to be mad at people . What if something happened , is that how you 'd want it to end ? I don 't want to be alone forever . Mostly what I thought was : forgive and forget . " Someone has to be the voice of your conscience , Lauren , " Billy said , scooping a stack of books into his arms . " You can get all misty - eyed and you have the right to forgive him . But last time still happened . And I will not let you forget . " When the team was back , I invited Alex over for dinner . It was the least I could do to thank him , though I was nervous . Part of me felt like I owed him something - at least to be nice . I cooked and he cleaned , kind of like old times . If I let myself , it was easy to laugh and talk and pretend like this wasn 't the man who 'd broken my heart and temporarily ruined my life . He knew what wine I drank , he gave me the ends of the steak because I didn 't eat anything too rare . Details I never realized I knew came to the surface and it was like I could read his mind . Over two years , some things about us had not changed . We both still watched a lot of CSI . Most of our favorite authors had new books - I 'd read them all at work , Alex while on the road . There were new albums from bands we both liked and plenty of trips , birthday and events to talk about . " No . The windows didn 't open . " " I don 't blame them for hating me . And your dad especially . He was so nice to me in the beginning , when I was really nervous around them . Turns out I was way more scared of your mom . " " If it 's any consolation , my own parents were furious with me for a long time , " he said , turning serious . " I told them exactly what I had done and they said I deserved to lose you . Eventually they were happy to have me back in Montreal . But you were always there . They were worried about me coming back here . " He smiled sheepishly . " I haven 't told them you 're letting me be your friend again . I 'm too worried I 'll jinx it by saying it out loud . " We moved into the living room to watch TV . It was a little weird to sit with him and not touch - I knew exactly how to curl up with him for this express purpose . Instead we sat a little stiffly , pretending it wasn 't awkward . When the show ended , I ran to the bathroom before the next episode could start . I came back to find Alex holding an envelope from the coffee table I had not cleared . I 'd been getting that envelope every month for nearly 10 years . Alex had seen it countless times before . School in Boston had been expensive and ' international ' students qualified for less financial aid . Still I had wanted it so badly . So a decade later I was still paying off student loans , slowly buy surely . As I said , libraries don 't make anyone rich . The only time I 'd ever made significant headway was when I lived with Alex - he paid the rent , I put that money toward my debt . When I went back to living alone , minimum payments were the best I could do . I 'd often wondered , in the days right after we ended , if this kind of thing ever occurred to him - money , how he 'd changed my life , what I 'd have to go back to . I froze . He 'd never offered that when we were together , not that I would have let him . I carried that debt because I had wanted something more than I wanted money . It was the only time I 'd ever made such a decision and the responsibility was important to me . He did not look convinced . " It 's been two years . So you still owe them what , $ 10 , 000 ? " How he could possibly remember what I 'd owed back then and guess what I 'd been able to pay since was impossible . But he was right in the ballpark . I nodded . " I 'm not making what I used to make , but it 's still a lot of money , Laur . I know how you are about money - I am not being flippant about this . I can pay it with no trouble . " I was shaking my head vigorously . No way , too much , no way . The offer was incredibly tempting - if I could save that money instead , it would be a small fortune . Then I could buy my own plane tickets in emergencies . But it wasn 't like I 'd been going without . And letting Alex pay it … that would have been like letting him back in . For real . " I owe you , Lauren . I know that . What else can I do ? I 'm trying to make this up to you in any way possible . Please Lauren , let me help . " That was it - the very heart of the problem . I had let him help me when I really needed it , but I would not rely on him unless it was an emergency . I knew from experience that such a thing did not end well . " I don 't need your help , Alex . I can take care of myself . " He looked for me in the stands during the warm - up skate . I still had the same seats - Alex had picked them out when we started dating and given them to me as a gift on our first Christmas . When he left , I bought them myself . Sort of . I paid 1 / 10th the actual price because Jarome got them for me . Libraries didn 't make anyone rich . Alex smiled at me and I sent him a small one back . He played on Jarome 's line , the way he had before . I could see they were meshing . Despite it being early in the season , they had good communication and strong passing . A little of the chemistry was coming back , the familiarity of people who 've played together before . Just what everyone had been hoping for . The Flames won 2 - 1 . I went to the locker room with Kara . " Shit Lauren , I didn 't know . I 'm really sorry , " Adam said , pulling me aside near a pile of stinky gear . " No one told me and I ruined your date ! " I congratulated a few of the other guys . Jarome and Alex were both talking to the media . Alex looked resigned - he 'd spent a lot of time recently answering questions about why he was playing badly . He didn 't want to get ahead of himself about a few solid games . Just before Kara was ready to head home , I stopped by his stall . In the car , Kara gave me a look . " Lauren , I know that Alex is really sorry for what he did . But I didn 't know until tonight that he 's definitely still in love with you . " I sighed and pressed my head to the seat . " I don 't know what 's going on . Maybe he just wants to make himself feel better . Maybe I 'll feel better when it 's done . " A week of road games passed . I tried to get a last round of heirloom tomatoes from my sad little garden before fall 's grip closed in . The season was beautiful - late September and the leaves were turning . I was raking my front yard when a card pulled in . The car was new - a shiny , dark blue sport wagon . Good for the snow , I knew . Alex climbed out . The team had played well on the road , ending up at just . 500 but scoring a total of 10 goals in 4 games . Alex held out his hands for my rake . He still wore his suit from the flight under a black pea coat . I went to the garage for a backup rake and helped him make a big pile . We didn 't talk much . When the pile contained every last leaf in the yard , it was waist high and the size of a kiddie pool . I couldn 't resist . I backed up ten feet , ran and jumped into it . Alex landed next to me . It wasn 't too soft , but I lay there looking at the clouds drifting past . Alex plucked at a maple leaf . " Yeah . Rhino poop smells great when it 's a hundred degrees in April . " He wrinkled his nose at the apparently vivid memory . " I missed Calgary . " I had long maintained that Calgary was the most beautiful place on Earth . I 'd traveled a lot and gone to college in Boston . Even with the deep freeze of winter , I had yet to find anything to rival Calgary . The only time I 'd ever imagine living somewhere else was with Alex , if he were traded . I would have gladly gone with him . I wanted to . I also knew it was a bad idea . By now my heart new I would eventually give in and if not just be his friend , maybe give him a second chance . Maybe . He was trying really hard . But my head refused to cooperate . I couldn 't trust him . I couldn 't risk going from zero to all my old feelings in an instant . I didn 't even trust myself . When he left , I lay on the leaves still watching the sky . I know you . But the me he had known was two years ago - the two longest , most difficult years of my life . Right now I hardly even knew myself . I told myself I should , but ultimately there would be no point . I was in no position to be bringing another person into this equation . I sucked at long division . " Jake , it turns out I 'm not really looking to date anyone just now . But I like you . If it 's cool , would you want to come to the game with me tonight ? " Alex looked up from the ice to my seats . When he saw Jake sitting next to me , his expression flashed a little dark . I smiled , reveling in the knowledge that I was being a little bitch . It felt good to regain the upper hand , if only for a while . The game was great - Calgary steamrolled Atlanta . When Alex got a goal , I was the first one out of my seat cheering . Maybe a little too enthusiastic . " So , you and Tanguay . I take it that 's not a new thing . " I must have looked embarrassed and shocked all at the same time . " I am a detective , Lauren , " he added . Right , of course . " It 's a very old thing that is not a thing anymore , " I informed him crisply . He smiled , and I knew Jake and I were now officially friends . " Right . Also my job to know when people are lying . " He finished his hot dog . " It 's because I don 't ride the horse , isn 't it ? " Jake nearly died when I took him into the locker room . He looked like a kid - taking in the stacks of equipment , the whiteboard with a play drawn on it . The media were doing their thing , so we stood at the back until they had mostly cleared out . I was a little surprised that Alex came to the bar . I 'd been sure not to say or do anything that would make people think I was on a date . Not that it had mattered last time . But now any conclusions people made would be of their own jumping . " We are not on a date this time , he 's all yours , " I told Pardy . To his credit , when he introduced Jake around he only said ' Lauren 's friend . ' I filled a pint glass from a pitcher and took a seat at one of the tables . Alex materialized next to me . That was an odd , bold question . And I had no answer . There was nothing about Jake not to like . My girl parts certainly appreciated Jake . But my brain was otherwise occupied and I was not about to admit what it was thinking about . " No spark , " I lied . Or maybe it was true . I 'd killed the electricity before that bulb could light . I imagined there would have been , and then I 'd really be in trouble . Shitfuckdamn . I hadn 't meant to tell him that . Two years is too long to be alone , especially from 28 to 30 . You 're in terrible danger of becoming Bridget Jones at that point - not that you won 't find someone , but of completely psyching yourself out . The world at large thinks you 're alone because there 's something wrong with you . It 's an uphill battle when you 're not dragging the rotted corpse of a two year relationship . In my case , it 's inexcusable . I had given it too much time . I knew that . Alex got one and a half great years and six rough months . Then , of my own accord , I 'd grudgingly given him another two years as I battled against what he 'd done to me . He had nothing to show for it but the scars . That made me feel better and worse . I wanted our breakup to kick the shit out of him the way it had done to me . I wanted him weeping at the bottom of a dark hole . But I knew he 'd suffered in other ways and whatever scrap of human decency I still possessed did not wish to see him hurt . " And to be honest , I didn 't trust anyone . Still don 't . I see what you did in the face of every guy I talk to . " I looked at Jake and thought maybe he could have been different . He certainly seemed like a nice guy . He caught my eye and raised his glass . I returned the salute , knowing I 'd already written him off . " I don 't know what to say but sorry . I think I 've worn that out , " Alex watched me , watching Jake . I refilled both of our glasses . " Having you here is hard , Alex . But I think I need it . If I can get by with you here , then I might really finally be better . " I wanted that to be true . If I were really better , I 'd be on a date with Jake . But it felt good to say it , to state my intentions and promise to myself that I would follow through . No matter what happened with Alex , which my head still refused to admit might be anything , I was never going to lose myself again . When my beer was done , I said goodnight to everyone . Jake asked me if he could stay . How cute , I thought as I told him to hang out with his new friends . I just nodded to Alex on my way out . My car was two blocks away . Under the first streetlight , I heard footsteps jogging behind me . Maybe I should have been worried it was a mugger . Maybe I even recognized his footsteps . " If there 's ever a chance you 'd let me make it up to you , please know that I would . I still love you , Lauren . I never stopped . " He stood on the street , no coat , twisting his hands . I 'd hated him longer than I 'd loved him . Yet the sight of him still wrung my heart like a sponge . His eyes were slightly downcast , like a guilty man awaiting judgment . Billy laughed . He was in on it . " This guy is really hot , Laur . And he 's a Mountie . You know you love a man in tight pants who can ride a horse . " " He 's a friend of a friend of Beth 's . Someone from her work knows him from the children 's hospital . The children 's hospital ! I bet he rescues kittens in his free time and carries them home in his big hat . " Billy pretended to pet the stapler . I agreed to their blind date . Probably a good idea , I knew . Just in case . The hockey season was about to start and I 'd be seeing a lot more of Alex soon . As if I hadn 't already seen enough . Thank you , Beth ! I almost sang as I climbed into Jake 's SUV . He was , as advertised , gorgeous . Dark hair , dark eyes , tan skin like he spent a lot of time outdoors saving the world . He was tall , strong and wearing something that smelled delicious . We had dinner at an Italian restaurant . Jake told me about his job - he was a detective and did not ride a horse . Damn , I laughed to myself . But I didn 't doubt that he could . He was also a volunteer at the hospital where he knew Beth 's friend and helped clear national park trails in the summer . He was funny , articulate and chose an excellent bottle of wine . After dinner , we went to the movies . Jake seemed happily surprised when I picked the big - explosion , stupid - story action movie . We stood in line for snacks . How is it that people come straight from dinner and need more food ? I was lost in thought when I heard my name . " Lauren ! " I turned to see Adam Pardy squeezing through the next line over . He 'd been with the Flames for two seasons and was a really nice guy . Kara wanted to set us up at one point , but I told her I 'd had my fill of hockey players for a while . Robyn Regehr was close behind him . " You don 't talk about us ? Are you ashamed ? Do we embarrass you ? " Robyn pulled me into his body and tried to give me a noogie . When he was close to my ear , he whispered , " Are you on a date ? " " Really , we should … , " Robyn continued . His hand was still on my arm and as he stopped talking , he squeezed . I looked up to see Alex and David Moss coming toward us . Pardy , who 'd only been around since Alex left , didn 't know a thing . " Alex , Mossy , this is Jake . Lauren 's date that we are very rudely interrupting . " He laughed . David and Jake laughed . Alex , Robyn and I were silent and still . " Hey guys , great to meet you , " Jake shook their hands . Suddenly he sounded like Dudley Do - Right to me - overly enthusiastic and naively sincere . I wanted to run . " Why don 't you guys go get us some seats ? Lauren , what did you want ? " " Uh , I 'll just have some of yours , " I stuttered and ducked away . The theater was not too full - plenty of places to sit far away from the guys . I was on a date after all . " Ppppfffftttt . Her date definitely wants to sit with us . Sorry Lauren , you 'll have to make out with him during the next movie you go to . " Pardy angled himself to reserve what was left of the row . I quickly sat down in the last seat so I wouldn 't have to sit next to anyone but Jake . Alex went to the other end of our group . I willed time to pass more quickly . Please get dark , I prayed . Once it did , I wished for the movie to be over . I was so uncomfortable I couldn 't have said what was happening on screen . I laughed when everyone else did , too late but at least I tried . Halfway through the movie , Jake put his arm around the back of my chair . His hand rested on my shoulder like we were teenagers on our first date . Twenty minutes later , I excused myself to the bathroom . " Be right back , " I whispered . I made it halfway down the hall . " Lauren , " Alex called in a soft voice . He wore a dark brown pullover with dark jeans . If I was honest with myself , he looked great . I stopped moving . " Sorry about this . Pardy doesn 't know . " Alex stood in front of me , hands in his pockets . In that moment , I felt there was no chance for me and Jake , no chance for me and anyone ever again . I saw all the work that had gone into two years with Alex . Relationships are not easy . Especially not with professional athletes who travel endlessly , have quixotic moods and handle tons of pressure . It hadn 't been all roses with Alex , but the good times were what I remembered most . The work had been worth it . And I was still working on it when it disappeared . Now I was doing it again . I was remembering all the good things and letting the bad memories slip away . It hurt to focus on them , to continually call them up to squash any new thoughts forming about Alex . I 'd spent two years trying to get past those feelings , and I guess it had worked . Now that I needed them , they were slow to respond . " It 's okay . " What else could I say ? Doesn 't this happen in one of the Twilight books ? Bella ends up at the movies with a boy and a werewolf ? " Thank you for being so nice to me . I know it can 't be easy , " he was looking down at the floor . " I didn 't want to come back here , in case it would hurt you again . But I still want to play . I still can play . It 's just that my options are limited . " I wanted to cry . Alex had been on top of the world once - in high demand , a rising star . I had loved him them . Now he was in danger of being known as someone who never reached their potential . " And this place , it feels right . I know that I ruined everything . But the last time my life was really good was here . With you . " I had tears in my eyes now . He 'd apologized a million times - I was numb to that . But when he brought up the good stuff , I knew how good it had really been . The pain of being cheated on , lied to , discarded had buried all those things so deeply . They 'd been packed away for years . Having him back was helping me take them out , dust them off and see that not everything about my time with Alex had been a waste . " We had problems that had nothing to do with you cheating . I 'm not taking the blame off you - you were a coward and a liar and I still hate you for that . But a lot of things were broken . I was just the only one trying to fix them . " " Those things were my fault too , Lauren . I have known that for a long time now . My game was going downhill and I tried to take you with me . Misery loves company . I took it out on you because there was nowhere else to go , " he leaned against the wall . " I finally figured it out after a few months in Montreal . I should have loved playing there , my home team . But I was miserable . Nothing helped my play and I had absolutely nothing left in my life . Tampa was more of the same , plus injuries . It was awful , on and off the ice . To be honest I am surprised the Flames took me back . " I had been surprised too . So had the media and the fans . Alex returning to Calgary looked like a classic case of history repeating . " I am not the person I used to be , Lauren . When things fell apart with you I was new to all this - not playing well , not getting what I wanted , being scared . I obviously didn 't handle it well . But now I 've had plenty of practice at not being the player I want to be . In two years you can get used to almost anything . " " Two years has not made me used to what you did to me , " I said quietly . " You humiliated me . You made the time we spent together a joke . There 's no getting used to knowing someone could throw you away like a piece of trash . " Alex wanted to hug me . We 'd been together so long I recognized every move his body made . Like watching a favorite movie from years ago , you remember things you forgot you ever knew . His shoulders rounded , hands came out of pockets . I felt like a deer in the headlights - I didn 't know what my reaction would be if he moved . And he did . He took three steps toward me , folded his arms around my back and pulled me in . The second my face touched his chest I started to cry . It was like one of those trust falls , where you 're not really sure someone is going to catch you before you hit the ground . His embrace was the same , exactly what I had craved and coveted for so long . Exactly what I had scrubbed and picked and peeled away for months after we ended . A time machine could not have done a better job . These were the same arms that held me a million times before . I sobbed quietly a few times before I could pull myself together . He 'd caught my arms in near my body , so I wiped my eyes without breaking away . " You were the best and worst thing that ever happened to me , " I told him honestly . " And now I think you should go . " With a kiss to the forehead , Alex left . I sat for a few minutes , regaining my composure , and went back to my seat . " Long line , " I whispered to Jake as I settled in . I didn 't hear or see anything for the rest of the film . I invited the guys for a drink after the movie . I explained that I 'd seen Alex in the hall and he hadn 't felt well . They looked surprised that I would invite them on our date , but Jake seemed fine . And I wanted them around - this date was already ruined and I couldn 't be alone with him just then . Jake was genuinely a great guy and they all hit it off . Shots and beers turned our once - date into a night of pretty big drinking . I held off a bit , and when everyone else was pretty well sauced , Robyn came around the far side of my chair . " You were gone a long time , " he drained his beer . " For what it 's worth , I think he 's really sorry Laur . He apologized to me for the way he left last time . I think he 's apologized to everyone who was around . Even Jarome . Let 's just say Alex won 't be pulling any shit this season . " The next day , an arrangement of wildflowers was delivered to the library . Billy rolled his eyes without asking who sent them . The card was in Alex 's handwriting : After Alex was traded , some of the guys I 'd been friends with came out of the woodwork . Maybe they 'd known about his cheating , maybe not . I decided to give them a free pass . After all , Alex was gone and couldn 't hurt me anymore . I still loved hockey . I took them up on tickets and special events , kept in touch with the wives and girlfriends I had liked . They felt bad for me , like I should be lost without my NHL boyfriend . If anything , I was better . I was back to being me . It didn 't hurt that Alex had two awful seasons - injuries , low production , media scrutiny . Not that I wished him ill . But karma is a bitch . The last call I got on the day of Alex 's trade was from Kara , Jarome Iginla 's wife . " Jarome 's worried about you , " she said . " I told him he should be worried about Alex . You could kick his ass if necessary . Jarome wants to know if you still want those season tickets . " I almost forgot about it for the summer . July brought Stampede to town and with it some of my closest friends . Then I went to my parents ' in BC for a wedding , and in early August I made an annual girls ' trip to a spa at Banff . I pulled into my driveway late in the afternoon , straight from the airport . Alex was sitting on my steps . He looked older - two bad seasons could do that . Hell , we were thirty now . Seeing him after so long made me fully realize something that I 'd told myself a million times : we weren 't ready . It seemed like we 'd been just kids back then , though we were 27 when we met . A lot had changed in the time since . I didn 't hate him . The rage had burned off long ago . Disappointment still lingered , knowing I 'd spent almost two years with someone who didn 't really care about me in the end . But now I mostly felt bad for Alex : he was less than what he 'd been with me . I actually hoped he 'd do well back in Calgary . It was nearly time for training camp to begin . " Welcome home , " I said , getting out of the Jeep . " Hi , " he shifted his weight . I couldn 't go into the house until he came down , so I waited . " I wasn 't sure if you still lived here . " " It 's nice to be back . Nice to go someplace I know the city , know a few people . " He 'd played the last year in Tampa Bay - not exactly a hockey town . " Lauren , I … . " " Please … , " he kept going . " I have spent the last two years thinking about what I ruined here with you . I won 't ask you to forgive me because I don 't deserve it . But I am sorry . " This was my chance to take it or leave it . To be awkward all season or just bite the bullet and move on . He was walking tentatively toward me . " I forgive you , Alex . It was a long time ago and I 'm past it . " I don 't know if he thought he 'd get a hug or something . I sidestepped him and climbed the stairs . We turned and looked at each other at the same time . I smiled . " I hope you 'll have a good season here . " And I went inside . See , I can do this . I can be nice . If only because it makes me a better person than he was . But the truth was , I saw him and I just felt sad . I didn 't hate Alex , not anymore . I pitied him . The first semi - open practice of the year was a fun tradition . Season ticket holders were invited , but I 'd been coming since before then as a friend of the team . It will be fine , I told myself as I pulled on a sweater . A lot of the guys who 'd known me with Alex were gone . I just hoped he 'd gel with the new guys and get into the team 's rhythm . Listen to yourself . You really want him to do well . I was pretty proud of myself for being diplomatic . Kara picked me up and we used the player 's entrance to the arena . I still got goose bumps in the bowels of the building - I felt like a VIP . We stuck our heads into the locker room to say hello and I realized I knew more people here than Alex did . " Hi . " He looked genuinely surprised . I realized he 'd never seen me around the arena except when I was there for him . Daymond Langkow to the rescue . " Lauren ! Good summer ? " He gave me a hug . We chatted for a minute , including Alex in some talk about the summer . I said hello to some of the staff , wives and girlfriends I knew . I watched Alex skate through some drills . If no one wore numbers and I couldn 't see their faces , I 'd still know which was one he was by the way he moved . He seemed to fit in well enough , but practice was easy . It was still early . I glanced out to see Alex standing at the circulation desk . Just like that day four years ago . He was wearing jeans and a blue t - shirt . I knew his eyes would be impossibly bright against that color . His arms were tan from the summer sun and something about his watch always made his forearms look really sexy . He had a paper coffee cup in one hand and a book in the other . " You 'll need a library card this time , " I said , coming across the room . It was worse than I thought with his eyes - they were the color of the sky . His smile traveled all the way up to the lines at the corners of his baby blues . My internal debate engine revved as I took the drink . He 's not buying his way back into your good graces . He 's not getting in anywhere . You can be nice . But you 'll not be bribed . Next he handed me a bill with his new address on it . As I entered it into the computer , I saw it was less than a mile from my house . " You really are close . " " It 's okay , " I brushed it off . " You 'll be a convincing addition to the neighborhood watch . " I gave him his bill , library card and book . Another James Patterson . I wondered if he remembered what he 'd borrowed that first day . He stepped back and I instantly reconsidered . But he 'd already started taking it away . " Right , you 're right . Sorry . I 'll , uh … I 'll see you around . " He laid the book on the counter . " Just practice . Going pretty well , I think . I hope . But no , not much else going on . Guess I 'll get another book . " " I 'm having a barbeque tomorrow if you want to come . " Then I hesitated . " But there will be some people there who still don 't like you . " Alex shook his head with a small laugh . " Like Beth ? And Billy ? " He looked around . " Billy nearly called the cops the other day when I came in here . " " Well it 's my barbeque , so I can invite you . I just can 't make any promises about the peanut gallery . But Jarome and Kara will be there , and Daymond . Maybe Mikka and a few of the other guys . Do you still make that pasta salad you used to make ? The multicolored one ? " " I cannot believe it . You are either a saint or a glutton for punishment . I hope you get drunk and run him through with that massive grill fork , " Billy said , piling beers into the fridge . " Then we can all help you bury him in the yard . Best party ever . " Beth called from outside where she was laying a plastic table cloth over the borrowed picnic table . " I think it 's nice . Lauren 's being the adult here . " She came into the kitchen . " Should we get someone to pretend to be your boyfriend ? How well does Jarome know Sidney Crosby ? " Alex arrived at exactly the time Lauren had told him . Good thing she 'd told him half an hour late . A bunch of people were already working on drinks and snacks in the yard . " Alex , " Beth said , shaking his hand . " Lauren says I should say it 's nice to see you . So I will . Welcome back . " It 's the best I can hope for , Alex knew . " Alex , " Billy was tight - lipped . " Feels like I just saw you yesterday . Wait , I did . " Billy and Beth went toward the kitchen , so Alex went outside . Some of his teammates were there . Kids were running around the grass . Lauren was turning burgers on the grill with a huge spatula . When she saw him , she smiled . That smile , he thought . The years didn 't seem to have touched her . If anything , Lauren looked better now . She was fit and healthy , more slender than he remembered . Her long dark hair was left naturally curly , something she never did when they were together . He recalled her straightening that dark mass with some contraption that took ages and looked like a torture device . The curls suited her better . " I 'm glad you came , " she said . But she didn 't hug him , didn 't put her down her work . Baby steps , Alex reminded himself . " He 's trying to get back in your pants , you mean , " Beth chimed in . I laughed off her comment and went outside . Alex was serving burgers to some of my newer friends , people he didn 't know . He was being outgoing , which I knew was a bit of an effort . It made me both happy and sad to see him trying so hard . It was also weird to watch him working the grill . If I had a boyfriend , he 'd be doing that . Beth 's suggestion of Sidney Crosby came to mind . I brought Alex a beer . I saw Alex mixing with his new and old teammates throughout the day . The party was a great time , but I never quite got him off my mind . My new friends all liked him . My old friends kept their opinions to themselves , mostly . " Making himself at home , " Jarome said , standing next to me at the cooler . Alex was helping the kids drive a horseshoe spike into the ground . " Sure this is okay ? " Jarome and Kara had borne the brunt of our breakup . Kara freaked out , thinking Jarome had known about Alex 's side dish and said nothing . He eventually convinced her that he hadn 't known . Then Alex asked for a trade . Jarome was the captain and Alex wanted off the ship - it was akin to being a deserter . Two years seemed to have softened his ire , but I knew that Jarome was serious when it came to his team . Alex would not rock the boat again , not on his watch . Alex carried the last of the plates inside and sorted them into the compost and trash . Nearly everyone was gone and the yard was mostly cleaned . I turned the dishwasher . " Yup , " Alex said . " Can I borrow a flashlight ? I didn 't realize these streets have no lights . Has it always been that way ? " " Yes , " Billy and Beth answered at the same time . I dug around under the sink and came up with a flashlight . Checking the batteries , I gave it to Alex . They both made faces while I followed him from the room . " Thanks , Lauren . I had fun . " Standing inside my front door , Alex looked like he 'd never left . Like he belonged there . So much of my heart was occupied with the idea of him - him while we were together , all the time I 'd spent on him after we 'd ended . This felt like an alternate reality where we 'd gone back in time . " I don 't deserve it , but you are a better person than I am . " He leaned in a kissed my cheek . I didn 't say a word , just stood rooted to the spot as he let himself out . Nonono , my brain told my body . But his skin had been warm from the sun . And soft . He smelled like sunshine and green grass . The door closed and jarred me back to the present . " I saw . " How could I not ? Eight people had called , texted or emailed . And Billy had even stopped by the library on his day off . Every one of them with the same story : Alex Tanguay returns to Calgary Flames . I could blame everything on the spectacularly bad Alberta winter of 2006 - 2007 . Power was going out all over town , even in the nicest neighborhoods . " Can I help you ? " I asked the thousandth person that day . I didn 't recognize him at first , hat pulled down and jacket collar turned up . Then I saw his bright blue eyes and there was no mistaking Alex Tanguay . If he thought I was pretty or nice , if he even saw me at all , he didn 't show it . The library was full of people using the computers , hanging out in the electricity and warmth . None of the internet terminals were free , but hey . I 'm a hockey fan . " You can use the one in my office , " I said , leading him around the side of the main circulation desk . I said " my office " so he 'd know I was doing him a favor . It didn 't register . He plopped down at my desk with a cursory thank you and went to work . I closed the door behind myself . An hour later , he came out to the desk . " Thanks for letting me use your office , " he said , actually looking at me this time . He was paying attention now . " I was going to get a coffee . Can I come back and finish ? Can I bring you something ? " " Umm , sure . I 'd love a hot chocolate . " Surprise probably rang in my voice . He came back fifteen minutes later , hands gratefully wrapped around the warm cups . I watched him stomp his boots in the entry way to knock the snow off . That 's nice . Most people don 't do that . In fact , most people treated the library like a barn . Forget the rule about talking - that 's an old wives ' tale . But people yell , kids run , books are left everywhere but where they belong . And everyone touches everything , which is really gross when you think about it . An old man at the nearest computer blew is his nose as Alex handed me the cup . The honking lasted a good thirty seconds before the man wadded his soggy handkerchief and stuffed it back in his pocket . Thirty minutes later , the sheriff stopped in and announced the power had been restored to most of the area . I knocked on my door and told Alex . A few minutes later he came to all bundled up . He passed me a book - the new James Patterson novel - to sign out . " I can sign you up for one , " I almost laughed . " Or you can just borrow it . It 's not like we don 't know where to find you . " He looked surprised . " Oh . Yeah . I guess . Well … " he stopped in mid - sentence . " I was only getting it so I 'd have an excuse to ask you out anyway . If I borrow it , you have to give me your phone number or you might never get it back . " Now I was really surprised . He 'd barely looked at me twice . But he had brought me a treat . I should put all the cute guys in my office , I thought . I wrote my number on the back of a neon green bookmark and stuck it inside the front cover . I held it out to him , but didn 't let go . He 'd called . We 'd gone out . Instead of looking at me , Alex had looked at the photos in my office - there were many . And he 'd seen my name on a million things lying on my desk . Still , I thought he was pretty clever . That first season was magic . We were crazy about each other . Alex hit a career high in points . The playoffs were short - lived : the Flames went in seeded 8th and were knocked out in the first round . Alex took it hard , but all the guys did . We spent a lot of his off - season together - he stayed in Calgary for much of it , and I visited him in Quebec a few times . In August , he was back for good and we were strongly together . I 'd missed him over the summer , and apparently he 'd missed me too . I moved in with him two days before the 2008 - 2009 season began . Just before the first game , he told me he loved me . Maybe we got in over our heads . Alex 's season started fine , but soon the games without points were piling up . He worked harder , as if laziness were keeping him off the board . He got moody . When he scored or had a good run of assists , we were like we 'd been before . When he didn 't , he seemed to resent my presence in his house . I tried to operate like things were normal , but soon I was wishing for road trips . I began to resent the wives - and - girlfriends commitment , it was keeping me from my job at the library and it diminished me as a person . I was expected to have nothing to do but be his girl . Everything else was supposed to take a back seat to his job . At first , I found that exciting . When things started to fall apart , I didn 't even have myself to fall back on . In March it became obvious the Flames were going into the playoffs with a low seed . Alex 's point production had been questioned all season , but now the media were turning up the heat . The harder he tried the less he scored . The harder I tried to be there for him , the more he pushed me away . At the end of March , I went to my parents ' house in BC for a week just to get away before the playoffs . I came back for the last home game of the regular season . Alex should have been at the morning skate . I didn 't know it was optional . So I walked into the house and right into a nightmare . " Who the fuck are you ? " I asked . She was blonde , petite and in my kitchen with no pants on . " Shit , " she said . " Alex ! " Then she continued to pour herself an iced tea . She opened the cabinet and got the sugar . She even put it away when she was done . I stood , silent and open - mouthed , while this half - naked stranger made herself a drink . He came out of the bathroom in boxer shorts , toweling off his hair . His eyes met mine and he froze . I 'm pretty sure I saw what a soldier sees in battle . Nothing but the blackness . I probably wasn 't fully conscious . A functioning person would have murdered them both with the nearest fork . Instead , I was oddly calm . " How long ? " I asked her , not him . " Since Christmas , " she answered . Her expression wasn 't gleeful , but it wasn 't scared . Four months . They were practically dating . And she certainly wasn 't worried about me . I hadn 't even put my bag down . So I carried it right back out . He chased me to the car . At least he did that . Maybe he called my name . Maybe he had something to say . I unlocked it with the remote , got in and peeled out without so much as a pause . " He 's been here like 50 times , " Billy told me at work a week later . I didn 't care . He 'd left a hundred voicemails and I hadn 't listened to one . The voicemail was full , so he just called and called , letting it ring endlessly . When I left the library that afternoon , he was sitting on the bumper of my car . The Flames were down 2 - 0 in the first round of the playoffs and just back from the trip to San Jose . " You are a lot of things , Alex . Sorry barely even makes the list . " I didn 't approach the car . I knew he wouldn 't leave until he 'd had his say . Better to get it over with and never have to see him again . " I made a huge mistake . The whole season got to me so much , I fucked up . I love you . Please come home . " He looked sad and small , begging . He had beautiful eyes . But I was really over that . " Are you kidding ? Someplace where you sleep with another woman for four months is not my home . I will never set foot in that house again . I 'd rather see it burned to the ground . " When the team was in San Jose , I had Beth use my key to collect my stuff . She left it on his counter when she was done . Calgary got knocked out in seven games . Alex called another hundred times to no answer . I assume he went home for the summer . He asked for a trade and on June 8 , the Flames sent him to Montreal . I drove by his house and saw a For Sale sign in the yard . |
Beth stopped in mid - chew and her mouth hung open most ungraciously . Billy had whistled in disbelief and now he could not look at me . I felt so small - one person in one chair in one café in one city in the whole world . How could I possibly make such a big decision ? " What are you going to do ? " Billy asked . He was not laughing and he did not look surprised . Instead he looked like a cop interrogating a suspect . Maybe Jake had shown him how . " Do you love him ? " Beth 's voice was quiet , like she couldn 't believe she was even asking such a thing . " I don 't know . " Billy put his fork down . " No , Lauren . No you do not love him . No you will not marry him , or take him back for one fucking second . I 'm sorry to be the voice of reason here , but this man ruined your life . RUINED YOUR LIFE . He kicked you to the curb for some slut and they played house in your fucking home . He disrespected you every time he breathed . If you 'd never caught him , then what ? One , five , ten years later you catch him ? You walk in the front door with your two fucking kids in tow and some whore is standing half - naked in your kitchen wondering where daddy keeps the sugar ? No fucking way , Lauren . " My whole face burned . I knew that every word Billy said was true , and said with love behind it . Clearly I was incapable of defending myself so Billy was going to do it for me . We sat still for a full minute while the fury of his words burned into my heart . Beth pushed her plate away . I 'd forgotten how mad I was . He 'd walked right back into my life with a hundred apologies , a couple of blue shirts and a library card , and I just held the door open . When I got to my house , he was outside . I 'm going to have to move , I thought to myself . " Hey , " he said , standing on the step . " Thought I might have scared you last night , came to make sure you were okay . " He walked down toward me . " Lauren ? " " What if I hadn 't caught you ? " My voice hitched as I said it . I fought back tears , knowing I would undo my own point if I cried : I needed to be angry . My words hung in the air . Billy was right . What if I had never seen with my own eyes what Alex was doing ? How easily I could have missed the biggest event in my own life . We 'd have stayed together , probably married , maybe had a baby by now . He 'd have dragged me all over North America , spiraling downward while I bobbed behind like a rubber duck , complete with stupid smile on my face . What if I had never known ? " I don 't know , Lauren . That was what I needed , my wake up call . You need to hit rock bottom before you can start making your way back up . That day was my rock bottom . " He tried to come near me , but I backed away . " Tell me , Alex . Would you have carried on with her ? Would you still be fucking someone else , right now , if we 'd stayed together all this time ? " " I hope not , " he said . " I hope I would have figured out for myself that I was making a mistake . Maybe slapped myself around instead of making you do it . But it 's all hypothetical . I want to say I would have stopped , but I won 't give myself credit for something that I didn 't do . " His hands were in were pockets . A dark soft shell jacket flapped open across his stomach . He looked at the ground as he spoke and I could feel the pain that still existed between us . I spent so long wrapped in my own despair that I never realized Alex was doing the same thing . Every time he thought of me , he relived his own terrible mistake . Yet here he was - back in my city , waiting on my porch , wanting to spend the rest of his life with me . You have to want something pretty badly if you 're willing to suffer your own humiliation every day just to be near it . That night was the hardest since Alex returned . I wasn 't sure he 'd come back , ever . The real , true end to our story that I 'd been wishing for all this time might have actually been written . And I was so scared I 'd chosen the wrong one . I did something I swore I 'd never do . I pulled a box out the back of my closet and tossed every photo that I hadn 't destroyed onto the bed . There weren 't many - I 'd spent some very long hours cutting and tearing . But a few were so good , so precious that they 'd survived the massacre . Perhaps I thought someday I 'd be over him enough to look at them again . Never once had I anticipated this . Alex and I at our first Christmas party - taken not long after we 'd met . We looked so young . My hair was straight , my face a little rounder . Alex had one hand over my head holding a piece of mistletoe , smiling as wide as I 'd ever seen . With Kara and Jarome on their boat in Chestermere Lake . I 'm squinting into the sun , hand over my eyes . Alex is sprawled next to me on the bench . Kara 's sitting on Jarome 's lap . One of their kids had taken the photo . Alex shoveling snow from our driveway . We 'd had a few good storms that year and I always wondered if this one was taken after he started seeing someone else . But he looked so cute - like a snowman all bundled up . He 'd whipped a shovelful of snow at the window where I stood , so a white out - of - focus blob showed in the top corner . At the bottom of the pile , my favorite photo ever - Alex sleeping . Just sleeping . He lay on his side , curled a little inward , bare shoulder visible just beyond the comforter . Early morning light spilled into the room . I don 't think he ever knew I 'd taken that picture ; it was the first time I 'd ever woken up next to him . My eyes stung , the picture blurred . Waking up next to him . What if that 's where I was meant to be ? I went to the game the next day . I didn 't wear his jersey or stand by the glass , I just watched and ate popcorn and talked to Kara about anything else I could think of . The team was leaving for a road trip , but I didn 't say goodbye . The next six days went by very slowly . I 'd learned the hard way that libraries were not the place to keep your mind off things . Unless you were reading , you were thinking . And my job was not to read every book in the place . I watched the Flames ' three games on TV , not - so - secretly hoping to see Alex looking as distracted and fraught as I felt . The few times they showed him , including once scoring a goal , he looked fine . Maybe he doesn 't miss me anymore . " Come on , nothing but these guys for six days is boring , " Pardy said over the phone . " Pick you up in an hour for dinner . I 'm buying . " I locked up at the library and went home to change . Fifty - nine minutes later , Adam rang the bell . " Meeting us there . " Then he laughed . He and Jake were besties now and they really would have made a cute couple . I wondered what they 'd think of Jake at the Flames ' Better Halves charity events . Jake , and Robyn , his girlfriend Kristen , and a couple of other guys met us at the same steakhouse we always went to . I practically knew the menu by heart . We 'd apparently arrived early for drinks , and I was halfway through a beer when Alex walked in . " Yes , " Jake took my beer and replaced it with a highball glass . " He did . " I tossed back the bourbon and made a face as it seared down my throat . " Bastard . " Miss No - Pants herself was blocking his way , cooing hello with a hand all over his arm . Alex looked surprised and his eyes darted around . I stepped behind Jake so he wouldn 't see me . From around his side , I watched as this woman laughed and tossed her hair . I couldn 't see much of his face , but hers was really animated . She wore a white collared shirt and black pants but I still hadn 't really seen her from the front . I wanted to know what she looked like now , and how she was looking at him . Adam watched at me strangely as I wheeled away and circled the far end of the dining room . I practically had to cross the dining room and stand between two tables , but I finally got a good look at her . She smiled like a First Lady . All ' please please believe me . ' Blond bangs swept to the side and her perky updo was sprayed into place . She wore more makeup , but she looked good . She looked the same . Shit , she looks the same . And her hand was on Alex 's arm . For his part , he looked alarmed . He was laughing tightly and trying to keep from getting too close , even backing up a step as she pretended to let someone pass behind her . Her hand slid down from toward his wrist and then I saw it : Apron . Near the table , I grabbed Jake 's arm and pulled him into the seat next to me . Adam seemed to take the hint and sat on my other side . Everyone was laughing and chatting , still carrying drinks when they arrived . Alex took a seat across from Jake and just stared at me . No one got a word in before she arrived . " Hi guys , I 'll be your server tonight . My name 's … , " and then she saw me . I swear time stopped as her eyes went wide as saucers . They flicked from me to Alex , then back . Calculations ran over her face : not sitting together , here with other guys , no rings on hands . She gathered herself surprisingly well . " I 'm Jackie . I see some of you have drinks , would anyone else like anything to start ? " She stared at her notepad , willing someone to give her something to write down . Adam got a beer , Jake a sidecar . The look in Alex 's eyes was terror . I couldn 't watch for more than a second and I could hardly breathe anyway . The last thing I needed was for him to start apologizing . A busboy brought bread and butter , but I pushed my plate toward Jake . Best not to have ammunition if you might start throwing things . She 'd regained her composure by the time she came back . She served me first - a big glass of iced tea with a lemon hanging from the rim . Next to it she put another glass , what looked like a mojito . We made it through dinner . I ordered and ate , even laughed a little , and watched her as she moved around the room . Alex didn 't say much at all . When we finished and collected our stuff , I went outside first . Through the window I watched what I knew would happen - she caught up to Alex , handed him a piece of paper and twirled away . She never was worried about me . " Bar ? " Pardy asked . Jake gave me a hard look , like he wanted to know what the hell was going on before he agreed to go anywhere with me . I nodded slightly . " Make it four , " I squeezed between Robyn and Jake at the bar . The bartender lined up four shots of tequila . Before the guys could get a proper toast out , I tossed one back , then than another , bit the lime and ordered a beer . They started like I 'd just grown a horn out of my forehead . Every single one of them slowly closed their eyes . It was the only natural response to something you couldn 't bear to think about - if I don 't see you , then you 're not real . When Alex reached us , they all turned to him like a defensive line waiting for the football snap . I took my beer , then his arm and steered him away . Now he looked scared . I knew he hadn 't meant to , had just panicked , but I was going to make him sweat for it . If I could order an iced tea from that two dollar hooker then he could sure as hell try to explain why he 'd taken her phone number . He laid it in my palm , number side up . It was written in blue ink . I took my beer and slowly , deliberately poured the entire contents of the bottle over my open hand . The ink bled , then ran , the number disappearing into a dark smudge . A whole bottle takes a long time to pour and I watched the digits slowly dissolve . When my drink was empty , I flipped my hand and the soggy scrap fell to the floor . What the fucking hell do I do now ? My reflection had no answers . I had seen that Alex obviously had no feelings for her - instead he was worried about me and scared that his teammates would hate him . That was something . But what do I do ? Alex took a deep breath before walking to the bar . Jake , Adam , Robyn and Kristen were staring at him - they obviously knew . Time to take another beating , Alex thought . He 'd given himself so many he was practically numb . This would be bad though . Last time he 'd been able to run from the team almost immediately after it happened . He wanted to stay here , wanted to like it here . It was hard to know that not a single one of these guys had his back . But he was wrong . Jake let him through and slapped him on the back . " Well that was awkward . " And then he laughed . Alex could have kissed him , put Pardy would have knocked him out . Alex 's laugh was a little stiff . " Not the way I pictured tonight going . " He ordered everyone a round of drinks , then raised a glass . " Don 't fuck up , people , because it never stops coming back to haunt you . " I took a brand new beer from Alex 's outstretched hand . The tension had broken - everyone was smiling , Robyn and Kristen were kissing . Hmmm , I wonder . " Just in case , " he smiled . " Lauren , I 'm sorry about that . I guess it was bound to happen eventually , so maybe I 'm glad it did now . Before you decide if you want to give me another chance . " This conversation had been building for a long time . Maybe since I 'd first heard about the trade , maybe since I 'd pulled into the drive to find him sitting on my steps . Tonight he wore a tan shirt that made him seem very blonde and washed him out a little . I thought about throwing it away someday . But that would mean being in his house , our house , folding his clothes or helping him pack . We would have a life together or we would have nothing , because this maybe - friends thing was not working . There was too much back story for our characters to run parallel courses . We were going to collide , or keep colliding , until we either merged or veered apart . I 'd veered once already and frankly , I hadn 't liked where the road had led . " Okay , Alex . " That 's all I said . No promises or ultimatums , no guarantees . Just okay , and everything that came with it . I will give you another chance . Heaven help me . I watched as the words made their way to his brain and registered like cherries on a slot machine in his eyes . He smiled , then really smiled . In a great big rush he grabbed me alongside the table and kissed me on the mouth . The bar surely collapsed around us into a pile of rubble and dust as an earthquake tore the floor apart . Beams fell , glasses broke , unlucky faceless bystanders were squashed in the melee . The mirror shattered and crashed to the floor with the sound snow would make if it weighed enough . But when I opened my eyes , everything still stood . Jake , Robyn , Kristen , Adam , even the busboy mopping up the beer I 'd poured onto the floor - they all looked back at us , surprised and amazed . I giggled and they all laughed . Then Alex kissed me again . We left immediately - not that anyone expected us to stay . I tossed Jake my keys and practically ran from the place . Alex drove out of the parking lot and a few streets down before he pulled over on the side of the road . " Are you sure about this ? " he asked me . " I mean , do you really want this ? Because I want this so much that if you 're not sure we should wait . I know what I did to you and that I deserve anything horrible you might do in return . But please , Lauren . I cannot go through losing you again . " " Alex , I should not still love you , but I do . I think if we can survive all this , we can get through anything . " I felt strong , nearly invincible . All the bad things that had happened , the lost weeks I 'd spent in black depression , the pictures I 'd cut and the memories I 'd burned - they felt swept away . Alex pulled back onto the road and drove to my house . He leapt out and I thought he was coming around to open my door . But he went to the steps , turned around and waited for me . My porch light glowed behind him . I got close … " Told you I would ask again , " he said , pulling the ring from the padding . " Lauren , I love you . I never want to lose you again . If you 'll do me the honor of letting me back into your life I swear that I will never , ever give you another reason to doubt me . I will spend the next hundred years making you the happiest woman on Earth . It 's true that you don 't ask that question if you don 't know the answer . But it 's also true that you don 't let someone ask . And I let Alex ask . Kara held out a piece of paper to me . I put my drink in the cup holder of the seat in front of us , took the paper and held it . She shook her head . " You are on your own here . " I 'd spent most of the night awake , mad at myself and at Alex . Who does he think he is ? Waltzing in here like suddenly he 's going to start solving problems instead of causing them ? Bullshit . Not a chance . And what is he doing in my house ? Why am I letting him get close ? Sleep calmed me significantly , and I woke before my alarm ; my mind was not done tossing the issue around . He doesn 't know what else to do . He 's taking whatever I give him , and I gave him that chance . Part of me really enjoyed watching him fish for opportunities to treat me nicely . I got to see him squirm and in the end , got something for myself . Selfish . I am not in this for revenge . Remember what it feels like to have someone treat you badly . " It 's okay , you sap . " I was in the hallway between the locker room and the parking lot , sitting on a table . Alex 's gray suit made his wet hair look darker . Apprehension was replaced by a smile . " I knew the handwriting would work on you . Librarians ! " he said like he 'd ever known another , like he 'd even met any others . With the slightest bit of hesitation , he asked , " Drink ? " I let him take me across town to a wine bar . We 'd gone there quite a few times together , and I had not been back since . He looked sheepish when he realized what he 'd done . " Not many places left from two years ago . These are the only ones I know . " We slid into a booth . He opened his mouth to apologize and I held up my hand . " Stop saying you 're sorry . Stuff like this is going to happen . Save it for when there 's something to be sorry about . " He shrugged as if he didn 't but it but was glad to be off the hook . " Same goes for me . I 'm sorry I overreacted about the loan , " I said . " I appreciate the offer , but I am taking care of it myself . " " I never doubted you could take care of yourself . But the offer stands , if you change your mind . " He handed me the menu and let me pick the wine . This had been a great place for a date , back in the day . The booths were mostly for couples - cozy with one seat on each side . Dark walls and tables , candles on the tables . It wasn 't so much romantic as it felt expensive , decadent . I thought of all the things I 'd missed doing and places I 'd avoided since they only reminded me of Alex . If maybe I 'd be able to go back to them now . I watched Alex over the rim of my glass . He seemed different , more grounded . I had burned most of our good memories like a brushfire , but a few remained . Even in those he was lighter , more frivolous . Maybe he really had changed in two years - I knew that I had . A bad run can do that to you . Missed . I missed most of it too . In truth , little had changed on the surface . Same job , same friends , no boyfriend . But I liked all those things as they were - they had been my life raft . Those parts of my life had gotten stronger because I 'd leaned on them . Not the other way around . " Not too much , " I replied honestly . " Went to Mexico , hated it . Went to Peru and loved it . Learned a fair amount of Spanish that I 've now forgotten . Fostered a dog for a while , that was fun . " Alex studied the crimson liquid in his glass . " Nothing much either . Montreal was hard , but the summer after was pretty good . My brother got married . Then Tampa Bay , which I think could have been better except for the injuries . Concussion , a leg problem that wouldn 't heal … . " He shook his head , sending the bad vibes away . " For a while I wasn 't sure what would happen . Then I got this call . " He looked around the bar like it was this in particular he 'd been coming back to . Then he looked at me the same way . " I didn 't know if this call was a second chance or a disaster waiting to happen . " Alex tipped his glass up , draining the last drop . " I know I 've said it , but thanks Lauren . " For the first time since Alex came back into my life , I really let his gratitude sink in . I was proud of the way I 'd handled most of his return . Not just because I was being nice to someone who had been so horrible to me - though the moral high ground felt great . But also because I was , for the most part , generally okay with having Alex in my life . That meant I had healed and come a very , very long way from the floor of Beth 's apartment two years ago . Maybe all that suffering had actually paid off . I almost said yes right away . Of course he could see me tomorrow . But maybe Beth was right and it 's too much , too soon without time in between to process everything . He felt compelled to cover up my hesitation . Before lunchtime , my phone vibrated . One of the old ladies who hung around the library all the time gave me a dirty look like she worked there and I was breaking the rules . Listen lady , unless you have some good advice on ex - boyfriends then stuff it . " I am asking myself the same thing . " I put my head down on a stack of returned books . " What am I supposed to do ? He 's here . He 's everywhere , all the time . And I think that he might be serious , Billy . He might actually be the person I fell in love with , minus all the bad things . " Something is different , I knew . " He doesn 't try to hide them . He hasn 't once denied anything , tried to shirk responsibility or change the subject . It 's like self - flagellation , actually . I think I 'm some kind of penance . " I tried on every dress in my closet . I almost decided on a blue one then realized I 'd had it over two years and Alex must have seen it before . What kind of sad , dateless spinster wears a two year old dress to dinner with her ex - boyfriend ? I put it aside for Goodwill . Finally I chose a deep yellow dress , almost mustard color , that I knew looked great with my dark hair . It seemed appropriate for autumn and had some killer shoes to match . " Wow , " Alex said when I opened the door . He looked nice too - black pinstripe trousers and a bright blue shirt . Damn that shirt . He knew exactly what that color did for him , and to me . We went to a new Italian place that I 'd read about in the paper . Alex joked that he 'd read it too , looking for a place we 'd never been . It had a roaring fireplace to fight off the fall chill , and a floor - to - ceiling wine rack behind the bar . There must have been a thousand bottles catching and throwing the recessed lighting that shone down on them . Alex ordered tonight 's bottle and we agreed to share food . Over artichoke bruschetta with heirloom tomatoes , Alex raised his glass to mine . " What are we celebrating ? " I asked . This felt like a special occasion and I was trying not to get freaked out . It was obviously a date . What I 'd been thinking when I agreed was a mystery to me . The dishes were excellent ; butternut squash ravioli in cream sauce , lasagna Florentine , tiramisu . I could have curled up in the low , warm lighting . Alex 's eyes were endlessly blue . I figured I looked pretty good too - it was the kind of place that made everyone look good . By the end , I was happy and cozy and a little tired . We walked across the parking lot to the car and Alex opened my side . I never made it to the door . Alex put his outside hand on my hip , drew me in and kissed me lightly on the mouth . So lightly there was almost no contact . The barest sliver of his lip touched mine - it was enough to replicate the blast from the atomic bomb . It went through me like ice cold water in the middle of a hot shower . Complete numbing surprise . My mind shut down my body , like it would do in a medical emergency . All auxiliary systems lost power - thinking , feeling , blinking . Even breathing was slow to respond . " Lauren , " he said , his voice husky . In the dim recesses of my brain , beneath the bleat of " THIS IS NOT A TEST " droning from my emergency response system , I heard him . I heard the desire in his voice . The longing . The self - control he was exerting not to kiss me again and the permission he was asking to do it anyway . His mouth on mine , just for a heartbeat , had shot the lock off the door holding back all the memories . Good and bad they came pouring out . Waking up next to him , waking up alone . Cheering for him , trying to cheer him up . Laughing , fighting , kissing , crying . And a very visceral , forceful physical recollection of what it was like when Alex and I made love . I had really almost forgotten . Two years is a long time to be alone . In order to get through , I 'd blocked out the best parts of what I was missing , and the sex was very near the top of that list . It had been the first memory to go into the incinerator . He 'd been giving it away , to Miss No - Pants and , I assumed , some other slut in every city on the map . So what we had felt so special to me , what literally moved me like nothing before , was just some party trick he handed out like candy . Burn baby , burn . Now the weight of that collided with the thoughts I 'd been having about the new Alex . If he was really different , had really grown up and found peace , would we still be like that ? Could you change two people so completely and still get the same result ? Was it really ever special at all , or was I just naive and hopelessly in love with someone who didn 't give a shit about me ? A small , audible breath escape my lips and I closed my eyes . I couldn 't take in anything else . My heart fluttered in my chest , probably drowning in adrenaline and hormones . Alex went around his side of the car and got in . He could stand there and watch the history of their lives together play across her face like a movie , but there were too many things he was ashamed of , too many moments he 'd kill to have back . I would do it all right this time . He hadn 't meant to kiss her . Not so soon , not the very first time she agreed to go out with him . Not now , not now ! He had so much work left to do , so many things still to repair . And time , he needed time to show her that he had changed . It had only been a few weeks of the season and already his game was miles ahead of last year . He was feeling it , he could do this . This place was right for him . I don 't know how long I stood there , but Alex didn 't push . He probably needed a moment himself , unless I was doing enough freaking out for us both . Finally I inhaled slowly , the smell of the fireplace inside the restaurant bringing some calm into my body . I got in and closed the door before I looked at him . " Wow , " I said . His beautiful eyes flashed relief and his whole body relaxed a notch . Apparently he 'd been as unsure of my reaction as I was . Residual hysteria was rushing to the surface . Tears stung my eyes , my heart pounded . Alex took one of my hands from my lap - it was shaking . He wrapped it into his , holding it still . His touch made me feel weaker , like I was slipping through the skin where we touched and ebbing away into him . I squeezed his hand because I couldn 't talk . He was scared and embarrassed and telling the truth . Regardless of my own feelings , whatever they might be , I appreciated his bravery . It was one of the things that had me so unglued since his return . " I 'm fully aware I have no right to love you . I lost that privilege . But no matter what I do or where I go I can 't seem to get over you . So I came back here , to the scene of my crime . You and the game are all that matter to me , in that order . If there 's any chance I could get either one back , I had to take it . " " You really have changed a lot , Alex . You 've given me more honesty in the last two months than in two years together . " I was still holding his hand . Game day and I knew I was going to do it . And take some shit for it . I honked my horn in front of Jake 's house . Kara wisely did not say anything as we sat down . She just crossed her eyes and went back to her soda . A few of the other wives and girlfriends noticed - one or two gave me sad looks , like I was tying my own noose . But a couple gave me encouraging , or at least inevitable , nods and smiles . When the Flames took the ice for warm up skate , I hauled Jake from the chair and went right down next to the glass . Pardy and Robyn saw me first then snagged Alex as he skated past . He was already smiling . When he saw the jersey , his face lit up . I didn 't give Alex the chance to ask if we should ride together , because we were certainly not leaving together . I jumped into my car and followed Pardy . This is not a lock , I reminded myself . You can wear his jersey and support him and still take this slowly . Do not get ahead of yourself here . It felt really good to give in a little to my growing feelings for Alex . He 'd been going out of his way for me and I felt right reciprocating . But that didn 't mean I was going all the way . " How long ? " he asked , leaning in closely at the bar . His broad shoulders were turned toward me , one of his strong arms across the bar behind my back . Alex tilted his head down , face close to mine and spoke softly . The pint glass slipped from my hand and hit the floor with a thump . It didn 't break , just splashed the last few sips of beer across the floor . No one noticed . He stepped in front , catching me between himself and the bar . His other arm went to the counter , cutting off my escape route . I had a forearm 's length space , which meant about two inches separated his body from mine . Until he leaned in . " You don 't have to answer , " his voice was low , almost a purr , with the faint warmth of whiskey on his breath . " But I promised you honesty , and I won 't break another promise . Just tell me when you 're ready . I 'll be waiting . " He peeled himself off me and wheeled away . I almost sagged in his absence - I 'd lost my footing when he said ' marry ' and he 'd been holding me up ever since . Marry me ? ! I quickly turned back to the bar in case anyone was watching . I definitely did not want to discuss that conversation with Robyn or Jake . " Okay Laur ? " It was Jarome . I should have known he 'd see . I looked over my shoulder at him , and he gave me a ' no - shit ' eyebrow raise . Jarome and Kara had been together since 8th grade . I loved them dearly but I wasn 't exactly going to ask them for relationship advice . They were Little House on the Prairie . Even my average love life before meeting Alex was HBO compared to theirs . Sure , I envied their happiness . But I knew my story would never be a fairy tale . An hour later , I had managed to talk a little with everyone while still trying to process Alex 's words . He had not left , but he hadn 't approached me either . He appeared to have stopped drinking so he could drive and I 'd done the same . No way was I relying on someone else for a ride home tonight . When everyone packed it in , I headed straight for my car . Alex caught up . " You don 't ask that question if you don 't know the answer , " I shot back . He shrugged , like that 's exactly what he was ready and willing to do . I saw Jarome had gotten in his car but not gone yet . I went closer to my car , opened the door and he drove off . Another car left too - maybe Robyn but it was too dark to tell . " How can I trust you , Alex ? I see that you 've changed . But I missed it before - missed that you were lying and cheating and God knows what else . Obviously I am not a very good judge of character . " " It 's worse that that , " he said looking at the ground . " Who knows what 's going to happen with my game ? Maybe I 'll get lucky and play the next eight years here . Or I could be a free agent next summer . I might be asking you to leave here to be with me . And I know you love this place . " " But it doesn 't matter , Lauren . Nothing will change the reasons . I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you . That 's it . " It was that simple for him . He 'd make his mistake and moved on . My mistake still lived everyday , tried to pay my bills and kiss me . My mistake wanted a new identity . " Next time we talk about this it will be the real thing , ring and all . I won 't know the answer . But I 'll still ask . " " Alex , it 's Kara . Lauren 's dad is in the hospital . She 's on her way home from work to head to the airport . Could you check on her ? I don 't have anyone else 's number and I can 't leave the kids here . " Alex handed Jarome back his phone . The look on Iginla 's face was unmistakable . I hate that she asked you . Fuck this up and I 'll kill you slowly . Lauren 's car was in the in the driveway . Alex flew up to the door and knocked as he was opening it . She poked her head around the corner from her bedroom . " Oh , hi . " She 'd been crying . " What are you … " and she started to sob . Her body slid down the wall . Alex was right there , wrapped around her on the floor . " My dad has to have heart surgery . They saw something they didn 't like , did a test and said he could have a heart attack any minute . They 're doing the surgery tomorrow morning . I have to get there before then , because … . " More sobbing . Alex didn 't need to hear the end of her sentence . Because he might not make it . She shook her head . " I was just going to go there and get whatever flight was next . " " Go pack . I 'll do the flight . " He pushed her toward her room . She still kept her computer on the desk in the living room . He searched a few sites and found a flight leaving for Vancouver in three hours . It would be there by dinnertime . The ticket was really expensive , but it wasn 't the price that made him pause . She had a bag open on the bed and was tossing in socks . " That would really give my dad a heart attack , " she almost laughed . " And my mom . " Her face fell again . " Sure you 'll be okay getting there ? " She nodded . He put the ticket on his card . He checked her in , printed the boarding pass and stuffed the papers into her purse . She came out with a wheelie suitcase , which he threw into the back of his car . Lauren called someone and gave them her arrival time for a ride to the house . They were two hours early for the flight . Alex pulled into short term parking and unloaded the car . Without asking , he walked into the terminal with her . She was a zombie . With an hour before she had to go through security , Alex steered her toward an empty row of seats in a quiet part of the terminal where the check - in desks were closed . He fetched a soda from the newsstand , sat down next to her and dug through her bag . He programmed his number into her phone . Her number had not changed . " When you need to come back , will you call me ? " he asked . She nodded . He laced his fingers through hers . He knew it was wrong to feel a surge of energy from holding her hand at a time like this . But he couldn 't help it . He was doing something good , something right . He was helping instead of hurting her . And he desperately wanted everything to be okay . She leaned into him and he put an arm around her shoulders . For nearly an hour , they didn 't talk . When it was time , he wheeled her to security . He opened her wallet , saw that she had no cash and stuffed fifty dollars into it . She put her ID in her pocket and held her arms out to him . It was like hugging a sad puppy . Her body was heavy and slow . He squeezed her tight , whispering that everything would be okay . Alex welcomed the distraction of the game . He 'd called after she landed to make sure she made it okay . She replied by text that she was on her way to the house . Her dad was due at the hospital at 4 AM for pre - op . Alex put his whole head into the game to keep from thinking about it . He couldn 't do anything but wait , and playing made the time fly by . He had a good game , and the coach complimented his focus . Jarome gave him a pat on the back and even a smile . " Hi , " she sounded tired and sad . " He 'll be in surgery soon . There 's nothing to do here but wait like 7 hours . Sportscenter in the waiting room showed one of your plays from last night . " " He 's okay , " she said , then burst into tears . Alex held the phone to his ear while she cried for five full minutes . Finally , gasping , she told him they 'd done a quintuple bypass , using veins from his legs , and he was still under sedation but expected to recover fully and quickly . Alex had tears in his eyes too . " When are you coming back ? " " Saturday , I think . " That was six days from now . " He 'll be out of the hospital Thursday , and once he 's settled in the house I 'll come home . " I slept for 18 hours after my dad 's surgery . I had never been so scared in my life and it completely drained me . On Wednesday they moved him from the ICU to a regular room . That afternoon , a huge bunch of flowers turned up . " These say ' From Lauren ' , " my mom read the card . My mom and sister spun to attention . The silence was deafening . Only beeps and drips echoed through the room , my dad lying knocked out on his hospital bed . " I knew he was back , " Eileen said . " I was wondering if you were ever going to mention it . I thought maybe you never saw him . " " I 'm friends with the whole team , I can 't just avoid him . And he 's really , really sorry . He 's had a rough couple of years . " It sounds lame coming out . " I remember when someone else had a rough couple of years , " my mother replied . She would show Alex little mercy . " I remember crying and screaming and some explicit death threats . I remember you disappeared for six months . " " I remember that too , believe me . It still hurts . But he is trying his best to start over . He knows he can never make it up to me . " " Look , let it go , okay ? Alex is back in town . He 's not back in my bed . " They looked at each other . " Don 't let him back in your heart , " my mom closed the subject . Thursday morning I called Alex . He asked what flight I wanted and booked the ticket . I felt awful letting him do that , but it was a lot of money . I 'd have had to ask my mom otherwise , and I didn 't know what kind of insurance we had to cover all the medical bills . No more stress for them , I thought . I could handle this on my end . I flew home Friday and Beth picked me up at the airport . I knew Alex wanted to but I begged him off . I needed to regroup . Beth and I went for coffee and I told her everything with plenty of crying in between . " Well I have to say that Alex did a nice thing , " she admitted . " But I don 't like him , Lauren . I don 't like him for you . And you are letting it happen . " " Beth , I don 't know what I 'm doing . He 's trying so hard and I always was a sucker for the guy . But I don 't trust him . I can 't . Every time I look at him , I see her . " Ms . No - Pants with the iced tea . My arch nemesis . " Every time I look at him , I see you curled up in a ball on the floor of my living room for two weeks . I had to force feed you , Lauren . Good thing I 'm a nurse or you would have died , " she said drily . " You always were my best friend , " I told her . Beth made a noise as she pulled into my drive . Alex was sitting on the steps again . I hauled my bag out , kissed her goodbye and rolled up to him . " Okay ? " He was really , honestly concerned . At least I thought so . But then again he lied to me for four months and I never saw it coming . I didn 't have much faith in my ability to read people . He pulled me into a tight hug . He was warm and soft , like getting back into bed on a cold morning . It lasted just a moment then he ended it . I realized that he has already resolved to leave immediately . I was relieved . " Thank you again , Alex . For everything . " This time , I hugged him . He put a hand into my hair and held me close . " I was really scared for you . I 'm glad it 's over , " he said . Then he left . I felt a little bereft . So much emotion over the course of a week . The last time my heart had worked that hard I 'd been cursing Alex 's name and sticking pins in his pictures . I crawled into bed and gave the pillow another 18 - hour marathon session . I slowly regained my equilibrium over the next week . My dad was recovering speedily and driving my mom crazy around the house . I started sleeping normal hours , went back to work and even watched a few Flames ' road games on TV . Alex sent me a text or two from the trip , but otherwise he seemed to sense that I needed some space after my brush with disaster . To their credit , Beth and Billy started to lighten up a bit about him . He had come through in a pinch . I was glad to hear them speak fairly , but neither would go so far as to like him again . Secretly , I was very glad for their honesty . My dad 's surgery was a brush with mortality and all kinds of crazy , panicked feelings still flooded my system : There 's no time to be mad at people . What if something happened , is that how you 'd want it to end ? I don 't want to be alone forever . Mostly what I thought was : forgive and forget . " Someone has to be the voice of your conscience , Lauren , " Billy said , scooping a stack of books into his arms . " You can get all misty - eyed and you have the right to forgive him . But last time still happened . And I will not let you forget . " When the team was back , I invited Alex over for dinner . It was the least I could do to thank him , though I was nervous . Part of me felt like I owed him something - at least to be nice . I cooked and he cleaned , kind of like old times . If I let myself , it was easy to laugh and talk and pretend like this wasn 't the man who 'd broken my heart and temporarily ruined my life . He knew what wine I drank , he gave me the ends of the steak because I didn 't eat anything too rare . Details I never realized I knew came to the surface and it was like I could read his mind . Over two years , some things about us had not changed . We both still watched a lot of CSI . Most of our favorite authors had new books - I 'd read them all at work , Alex while on the road . There were new albums from bands we both liked and plenty of trips , birthday and events to talk about . " No . The windows didn 't open . " " I don 't blame them for hating me . And your dad especially . He was so nice to me in the beginning , when I was really nervous around them . Turns out I was way more scared of your mom . " " If it 's any consolation , my own parents were furious with me for a long time , " he said , turning serious . " I told them exactly what I had done and they said I deserved to lose you . Eventually they were happy to have me back in Montreal . But you were always there . They were worried about me coming back here . " He smiled sheepishly . " I haven 't told them you 're letting me be your friend again . I 'm too worried I 'll jinx it by saying it out loud . " We moved into the living room to watch TV . It was a little weird to sit with him and not touch - I knew exactly how to curl up with him for this express purpose . Instead we sat a little stiffly , pretending it wasn 't awkward . When the show ended , I ran to the bathroom before the next episode could start . I came back to find Alex holding an envelope from the coffee table I had not cleared . I 'd been getting that envelope every month for nearly 10 years . Alex had seen it countless times before . School in Boston had been expensive and ' international ' students qualified for less financial aid . Still I had wanted it so badly . So a decade later I was still paying off student loans , slowly buy surely . As I said , libraries don 't make anyone rich . The only time I 'd ever made significant headway was when I lived with Alex - he paid the rent , I put that money toward my debt . When I went back to living alone , minimum payments were the best I could do . I 'd often wondered , in the days right after we ended , if this kind of thing ever occurred to him - money , how he 'd changed my life , what I 'd have to go back to . I froze . He 'd never offered that when we were together , not that I would have let him . I carried that debt because I had wanted something more than I wanted money . It was the only time I 'd ever made such a decision and the responsibility was important to me . He did not look convinced . " It 's been two years . So you still owe them what , $ 10 , 000 ? " How he could possibly remember what I 'd owed back then and guess what I 'd been able to pay since was impossible . But he was right in the ballpark . I nodded . " I 'm not making what I used to make , but it 's still a lot of money , Laur . I know how you are about money - I am not being flippant about this . I can pay it with no trouble . " I was shaking my head vigorously . No way , too much , no way . The offer was incredibly tempting - if I could save that money instead , it would be a small fortune . Then I could buy my own plane tickets in emergencies . But it wasn 't like I 'd been going without . And letting Alex pay it … that would have been like letting him back in . For real . " I owe you , Lauren . I know that . What else can I do ? I 'm trying to make this up to you in any way possible . Please Lauren , let me help . " That was it - the very heart of the problem . I had let him help me when I really needed it , but I would not rely on him unless it was an emergency . I knew from experience that such a thing did not end well . " I don 't need your help , Alex . I can take care of myself . " He looked for me in the stands during the warm - up skate . I still had the same seats - Alex had picked them out when we started dating and given them to me as a gift on our first Christmas . When he left , I bought them myself . Sort of . I paid 1 / 10th the actual price because Jarome got them for me . Libraries didn 't make anyone rich . Alex smiled at me and I sent him a small one back . He played on Jarome 's line , the way he had before . I could see they were meshing . Despite it being early in the season , they had good communication and strong passing . A little of the chemistry was coming back , the familiarity of people who 've played together before . Just what everyone had been hoping for . The Flames won 2 - 1 . I went to the locker room with Kara . " Shit Lauren , I didn 't know . I 'm really sorry , " Adam said , pulling me aside near a pile of stinky gear . " No one told me and I ruined your date ! " I congratulated a few of the other guys . Jarome and Alex were both talking to the media . Alex looked resigned - he 'd spent a lot of time recently answering questions about why he was playing badly . He didn 't want to get ahead of himself about a few solid games . Just before Kara was ready to head home , I stopped by his stall . In the car , Kara gave me a look . " Lauren , I know that Alex is really sorry for what he did . But I didn 't know until tonight that he 's definitely still in love with you . " I sighed and pressed my head to the seat . " I don 't know what 's going on . Maybe he just wants to make himself feel better . Maybe I 'll feel better when it 's done . " A week of road games passed . I tried to get a last round of heirloom tomatoes from my sad little garden before fall 's grip closed in . The season was beautiful - late September and the leaves were turning . I was raking my front yard when a card pulled in . The car was new - a shiny , dark blue sport wagon . Good for the snow , I knew . Alex climbed out . The team had played well on the road , ending up at just . 500 but scoring a total of 10 goals in 4 games . Alex held out his hands for my rake . He still wore his suit from the flight under a black pea coat . I went to the garage for a backup rake and helped him make a big pile . We didn 't talk much . When the pile contained every last leaf in the yard , it was waist high and the size of a kiddie pool . I couldn 't resist . I backed up ten feet , ran and jumped into it . Alex landed next to me . It wasn 't too soft , but I lay there looking at the clouds drifting past . Alex plucked at a maple leaf . " Yeah . Rhino poop smells great when it 's a hundred degrees in April . " He wrinkled his nose at the apparently vivid memory . " I missed Calgary . " I had long maintained that Calgary was the most beautiful place on Earth . I 'd traveled a lot and gone to college in Boston . Even with the deep freeze of winter , I had yet to find anything to rival Calgary . The only time I 'd ever imagine living somewhere else was with Alex , if he were traded . I would have gladly gone with him . I wanted to . I also knew it was a bad idea . By now my heart new I would eventually give in and if not just be his friend , maybe give him a second chance . Maybe . He was trying really hard . But my head refused to cooperate . I couldn 't trust him . I couldn 't risk going from zero to all my old feelings in an instant . I didn 't even trust myself . When he left , I lay on the leaves still watching the sky . I know you . But the me he had known was two years ago - the two longest , most difficult years of my life . Right now I hardly even knew myself . I told myself I should , but ultimately there would be no point . I was in no position to be bringing another person into this equation . I sucked at long division . " Jake , it turns out I 'm not really looking to date anyone just now . But I like you . If it 's cool , would you want to come to the game with me tonight ? " Alex looked up from the ice to my seats . When he saw Jake sitting next to me , his expression flashed a little dark . I smiled , reveling in the knowledge that I was being a little bitch . It felt good to regain the upper hand , if only for a while . The game was great - Calgary steamrolled Atlanta . When Alex got a goal , I was the first one out of my seat cheering . Maybe a little too enthusiastic . " So , you and Tanguay . I take it that 's not a new thing . " I must have looked embarrassed and shocked all at the same time . " I am a detective , Lauren , " he added . Right , of course . " It 's a very old thing that is not a thing anymore , " I informed him crisply . He smiled , and I knew Jake and I were now officially friends . " Right . Also my job to know when people are lying . " He finished his hot dog . " It 's because I don 't ride the horse , isn 't it ? " Jake nearly died when I took him into the locker room . He looked like a kid - taking in the stacks of equipment , the whiteboard with a play drawn on it . The media were doing their thing , so we stood at the back until they had mostly cleared out . I was a little surprised that Alex came to the bar . I 'd been sure not to say or do anything that would make people think I was on a date . Not that it had mattered last time . But now any conclusions people made would be of their own jumping . " We are not on a date this time , he 's all yours , " I told Pardy . To his credit , when he introduced Jake around he only said ' Lauren 's friend . ' I filled a pint glass from a pitcher and took a seat at one of the tables . Alex materialized next to me . That was an odd , bold question . And I had no answer . There was nothing about Jake not to like . My girl parts certainly appreciated Jake . But my brain was otherwise occupied and I was not about to admit what it was thinking about . " No spark , " I lied . Or maybe it was true . I 'd killed the electricity before that bulb could light . I imagined there would have been , and then I 'd really be in trouble . Shitfuckdamn . I hadn 't meant to tell him that . Two years is too long to be alone , especially from 28 to 30 . You 're in terrible danger of becoming Bridget Jones at that point - not that you won 't find someone , but of completely psyching yourself out . The world at large thinks you 're alone because there 's something wrong with you . It 's an uphill battle when you 're not dragging the rotted corpse of a two year relationship . In my case , it 's inexcusable . I had given it too much time . I knew that . Alex got one and a half great years and six rough months . Then , of my own accord , I 'd grudgingly given him another two years as I battled against what he 'd done to me . He had nothing to show for it but the scars . That made me feel better and worse . I wanted our breakup to kick the shit out of him the way it had done to me . I wanted him weeping at the bottom of a dark hole . But I knew he 'd suffered in other ways and whatever scrap of human decency I still possessed did not wish to see him hurt . " And to be honest , I didn 't trust anyone . Still don 't . I see what you did in the face of every guy I talk to . " I looked at Jake and thought maybe he could have been different . He certainly seemed like a nice guy . He caught my eye and raised his glass . I returned the salute , knowing I 'd already written him off . " I don 't know what to say but sorry . I think I 've worn that out , " Alex watched me , watching Jake . I refilled both of our glasses . " Having you here is hard , Alex . But I think I need it . If I can get by with you here , then I might really finally be better . " I wanted that to be true . If I were really better , I 'd be on a date with Jake . But it felt good to say it , to state my intentions and promise to myself that I would follow through . No matter what happened with Alex , which my head still refused to admit might be anything , I was never going to lose myself again . When my beer was done , I said goodnight to everyone . Jake asked me if he could stay . How cute , I thought as I told him to hang out with his new friends . I just nodded to Alex on my way out . My car was two blocks away . Under the first streetlight , I heard footsteps jogging behind me . Maybe I should have been worried it was a mugger . Maybe I even recognized his footsteps . " If there 's ever a chance you 'd let me make it up to you , please know that I would . I still love you , Lauren . I never stopped . " He stood on the street , no coat , twisting his hands . I 'd hated him longer than I 'd loved him . Yet the sight of him still wrung my heart like a sponge . His eyes were slightly downcast , like a guilty man awaiting judgment . Billy laughed . He was in on it . " This guy is really hot , Laur . And he 's a Mountie . You know you love a man in tight pants who can ride a horse . " " He 's a friend of a friend of Beth 's . Someone from her work knows him from the children 's hospital . The children 's hospital ! I bet he rescues kittens in his free time and carries them home in his big hat . " Billy pretended to pet the stapler . I agreed to their blind date . Probably a good idea , I knew . Just in case . The hockey season was about to start and I 'd be seeing a lot more of Alex soon . As if I hadn 't already seen enough . Thank you , Beth ! I almost sang as I climbed into Jake 's SUV . He was , as advertised , gorgeous . Dark hair , dark eyes , tan skin like he spent a lot of time outdoors saving the world . He was tall , strong and wearing something that smelled delicious . We had dinner at an Italian restaurant . Jake told me about his job - he was a detective and did not ride a horse . Damn , I laughed to myself . But I didn 't doubt that he could . He was also a volunteer at the hospital where he knew Beth 's friend and helped clear national park trails in the summer . He was funny , articulate and chose an excellent bottle of wine . After dinner , we went to the movies . Jake seemed happily surprised when I picked the big - explosion , stupid - story action movie . We stood in line for snacks . How is it that people come straight from dinner and need more food ? I was lost in thought when I heard my name . " Lauren ! " I turned to see Adam Pardy squeezing through the next line over . He 'd been with the Flames for two seasons and was a really nice guy . Kara wanted to set us up at one point , but I told her I 'd had my fill of hockey players for a while . Robyn Regehr was close behind him . " You don 't talk about us ? Are you ashamed ? Do we embarrass you ? " Robyn pulled me into his body and tried to give me a noogie . When he was close to my ear , he whispered , " Are you on a date ? " " Really , we should … , " Robyn continued . His hand was still on my arm and as he stopped talking , he squeezed . I looked up to see Alex and David Moss coming toward us . Pardy , who 'd only been around since Alex left , didn 't know a thing . " Alex , Mossy , this is Jake . Lauren 's date that we are very rudely interrupting . " He laughed . David and Jake laughed . Alex , Robyn and I were silent and still . " Hey guys , great to meet you , " Jake shook their hands . Suddenly he sounded like Dudley Do - Right to me - overly enthusiastic and naively sincere . I wanted to run . " Why don 't you guys go get us some seats ? Lauren , what did you want ? " " Uh , I 'll just have some of yours , " I stuttered and ducked away . The theater was not too full - plenty of places to sit far away from the guys . I was on a date after all . " Ppppfffftttt . Her date definitely wants to sit with us . Sorry Lauren , you 'll have to make out with him during the next movie you go to . " Pardy angled himself to reserve what was left of the row . I quickly sat down in the last seat so I wouldn 't have to sit next to anyone but Jake . Alex went to the other end of our group . I willed time to pass more quickly . Please get dark , I prayed . Once it did , I wished for the movie to be over . I was so uncomfortable I couldn 't have said what was happening on screen . I laughed when everyone else did , too late but at least I tried . Halfway through the movie , Jake put his arm around the back of my chair . His hand rested on my shoulder like we were teenagers on our first date . Twenty minutes later , I excused myself to the bathroom . " Be right back , " I whispered . I made it halfway down the hall . " Lauren , " Alex called in a soft voice . He wore a dark brown pullover with dark jeans . If I was honest with myself , he looked great . I stopped moving . " Sorry about this . Pardy doesn 't know . " Alex stood in front of me , hands in his pockets . In that moment , I felt there was no chance for me and Jake , no chance for me and anyone ever again . I saw all the work that had gone into two years with Alex . Relationships are not easy . Especially not with professional athletes who travel endlessly , have quixotic moods and handle tons of pressure . It hadn 't been all roses with Alex , but the good times were what I remembered most . The work had been worth it . And I was still working on it when it disappeared . Now I was doing it again . I was remembering all the good things and letting the bad memories slip away . It hurt to focus on them , to continually call them up to squash any new thoughts forming about Alex . I 'd spent two years trying to get past those feelings , and I guess it had worked . Now that I needed them , they were slow to respond . " It 's okay . " What else could I say ? Doesn 't this happen in one of the Twilight books ? Bella ends up at the movies with a boy and a werewolf ? " Thank you for being so nice to me . I know it can 't be easy , " he was looking down at the floor . " I didn 't want to come back here , in case it would hurt you again . But I still want to play . I still can play . It 's just that my options are limited . " I wanted to cry . Alex had been on top of the world once - in high demand , a rising star . I had loved him them . Now he was in danger of being known as someone who never reached their potential . " And this place , it feels right . I know that I ruined everything . But the last time my life was really good was here . With you . " I had tears in my eyes now . He 'd apologized a million times - I was numb to that . But when he brought up the good stuff , I knew how good it had really been . The pain of being cheated on , lied to , discarded had buried all those things so deeply . They 'd been packed away for years . Having him back was helping me take them out , dust them off and see that not everything about my time with Alex had been a waste . " We had problems that had nothing to do with you cheating . I 'm not taking the blame off you - you were a coward and a liar and I still hate you for that . But a lot of things were broken . I was just the only one trying to fix them . " " Those things were my fault too , Lauren . I have known that for a long time now . My game was going downhill and I tried to take you with me . Misery loves company . I took it out on you because there was nowhere else to go , " he leaned against the wall . " I finally figured it out after a few months in Montreal . I should have loved playing there , my home team . But I was miserable . Nothing helped my play and I had absolutely nothing left in my life . Tampa was more of the same , plus injuries . It was awful , on and off the ice . To be honest I am surprised the Flames took me back . " I had been surprised too . So had the media and the fans . Alex returning to Calgary looked like a classic case of history repeating . " I am not the person I used to be , Lauren . When things fell apart with you I was new to all this - not playing well , not getting what I wanted , being scared . I obviously didn 't handle it well . But now I 've had plenty of practice at not being the player I want to be . In two years you can get used to almost anything . " " Two years has not made me used to what you did to me , " I said quietly . " You humiliated me . You made the time we spent together a joke . There 's no getting used to knowing someone could throw you away like a piece of trash . " Alex wanted to hug me . We 'd been together so long I recognized every move his body made . Like watching a favorite movie from years ago , you remember things you forgot you ever knew . His shoulders rounded , hands came out of pockets . I felt like a deer in the headlights - I didn 't know what my reaction would be if he moved . And he did . He took three steps toward me , folded his arms around my back and pulled me in . The second my face touched his chest I started to cry . It was like one of those trust falls , where you 're not really sure someone is going to catch you before you hit the ground . His embrace was the same , exactly what I had craved and coveted for so long . Exactly what I had scrubbed and picked and peeled away for months after we ended . A time machine could not have done a better job . These were the same arms that held me a million times before . I sobbed quietly a few times before I could pull myself together . He 'd caught my arms in near my body , so I wiped my eyes without breaking away . " You were the best and worst thing that ever happened to me , " I told him honestly . " And now I think you should go . " With a kiss to the forehead , Alex left . I sat for a few minutes , regaining my composure , and went back to my seat . " Long line , " I whispered to Jake as I settled in . I didn 't hear or see anything for the rest of the film . I invited the guys for a drink after the movie . I explained that I 'd seen Alex in the hall and he hadn 't felt well . They looked surprised that I would invite them on our date , but Jake seemed fine . And I wanted them around - this date was already ruined and I couldn 't be alone with him just then . Jake was genuinely a great guy and they all hit it off . Shots and beers turned our once - date into a night of pretty big drinking . I held off a bit , and when everyone else was pretty well sauced , Robyn came around the far side of my chair . " You were gone a long time , " he drained his beer . " For what it 's worth , I think he 's really sorry Laur . He apologized to me for the way he left last time . I think he 's apologized to everyone who was around . Even Jarome . Let 's just say Alex won 't be pulling any shit this season . " The next day , an arrangement of wildflowers was delivered to the library . Billy rolled his eyes without asking who sent them . The card was in Alex 's handwriting : After Alex was traded , some of the guys I 'd been friends with came out of the woodwork . Maybe they 'd known about his cheating , maybe not . I decided to give them a free pass . After all , Alex was gone and couldn 't hurt me anymore . I still loved hockey . I took them up on tickets and special events , kept in touch with the wives and girlfriends I had liked . They felt bad for me , like I should be lost without my NHL boyfriend . If anything , I was better . I was back to being me . It didn 't hurt that Alex had two awful seasons - injuries , low production , media scrutiny . Not that I wished him ill . But karma is a bitch . The last call I got on the day of Alex 's trade was from Kara , Jarome Iginla 's wife . " Jarome 's worried about you , " she said . " I told him he should be worried about Alex . You could kick his ass if necessary . Jarome wants to know if you still want those season tickets . " I almost forgot about it for the summer . July brought Stampede to town and with it some of my closest friends . Then I went to my parents ' in BC for a wedding , and in early August I made an annual girls ' trip to a spa at Banff . I pulled into my driveway late in the afternoon , straight from the airport . Alex was sitting on my steps . He looked older - two bad seasons could do that . Hell , we were thirty now . Seeing him after so long made me fully realize something that I 'd told myself a million times : we weren 't ready . It seemed like we 'd been just kids back then , though we were 27 when we met . A lot had changed in the time since . I didn 't hate him . The rage had burned off long ago . Disappointment still lingered , knowing I 'd spent almost two years with someone who didn 't really care about me in the end . But now I mostly felt bad for Alex : he was less than what he 'd been with me . I actually hoped he 'd do well back in Calgary . It was nearly time for training camp to begin . " Welcome home , " I said , getting out of the Jeep . " Hi , " he shifted his weight . I couldn 't go into the house until he came down , so I waited . " I wasn 't sure if you still lived here . " " It 's nice to be back . Nice to go someplace I know the city , know a few people . " He 'd played the last year in Tampa Bay - not exactly a hockey town . " Lauren , I … . " " Please … , " he kept going . " I have spent the last two years thinking about what I ruined here with you . I won 't ask you to forgive me because I don 't deserve it . But I am sorry . " This was my chance to take it or leave it . To be awkward all season or just bite the bullet and move on . He was walking tentatively toward me . " I forgive you , Alex . It was a long time ago and I 'm past it . " I don 't know if he thought he 'd get a hug or something . I sidestepped him and climbed the stairs . We turned and looked at each other at the same time . I smiled . " I hope you 'll have a good season here . " And I went inside . See , I can do this . I can be nice . If only because it makes me a better person than he was . But the truth was , I saw him and I just felt sad . I didn 't hate Alex , not anymore . I pitied him . The first semi - open practice of the year was a fun tradition . Season ticket holders were invited , but I 'd been coming since before then as a friend of the team . It will be fine , I told myself as I pulled on a sweater . A lot of the guys who 'd known me with Alex were gone . I just hoped he 'd gel with the new guys and get into the team 's rhythm . Listen to yourself . You really want him to do well . I was pretty proud of myself for being diplomatic . Kara picked me up and we used the player 's entrance to the arena . I still got goose bumps in the bowels of the building - I felt like a VIP . We stuck our heads into the locker room to say hello and I realized I knew more people here than Alex did . " Hi . " He looked genuinely surprised . I realized he 'd never seen me around the arena except when I was there for him . Daymond Langkow to the rescue . " Lauren ! Good summer ? " He gave me a hug . We chatted for a minute , including Alex in some talk about the summer . I said hello to some of the staff , wives and girlfriends I knew . I watched Alex skate through some drills . If no one wore numbers and I couldn 't see their faces , I 'd still know which was one he was by the way he moved . He seemed to fit in well enough , but practice was easy . It was still early . I glanced out to see Alex standing at the circulation desk . Just like that day four years ago . He was wearing jeans and a blue t - shirt . I knew his eyes would be impossibly bright against that color . His arms were tan from the summer sun and something about his watch always made his forearms look really sexy . He had a paper coffee cup in one hand and a book in the other . " You 'll need a library card this time , " I said , coming across the room . It was worse than I thought with his eyes - they were the color of the sky . His smile traveled all the way up to the lines at the corners of his baby blues . My internal debate engine revved as I took the drink . He 's not buying his way back into your good graces . He 's not getting in anywhere . You can be nice . But you 'll not be bribed . Next he handed me a bill with his new address on it . As I entered it into the computer , I saw it was less than a mile from my house . " You really are close . " " It 's okay , " I brushed it off . " You 'll be a convincing addition to the neighborhood watch . " I gave him his bill , library card and book . Another James Patterson . I wondered if he remembered what he 'd borrowed that first day . He stepped back and I instantly reconsidered . But he 'd already started taking it away . " Right , you 're right . Sorry . I 'll , uh … I 'll see you around . " He laid the book on the counter . " Just practice . Going pretty well , I think . I hope . But no , not much else going on . Guess I 'll get another book . " " I 'm having a barbeque tomorrow if you want to come . " Then I hesitated . " But there will be some people there who still don 't like you . " Alex shook his head with a small laugh . " Like Beth ? And Billy ? " He looked around . " Billy nearly called the cops the other day when I came in here . " " Well it 's my barbeque , so I can invite you . I just can 't make any promises about the peanut gallery . But Jarome and Kara will be there , and Daymond . Maybe Mikka and a few of the other guys . Do you still make that pasta salad you used to make ? The multicolored one ? " " I cannot believe it . You are either a saint or a glutton for punishment . I hope you get drunk and run him through with that massive grill fork , " Billy said , piling beers into the fridge . " Then we can all help you bury him in the yard . Best party ever . " Beth called from outside where she was laying a plastic table cloth over the borrowed picnic table . " I think it 's nice . Lauren 's being the adult here . " She came into the kitchen . " Should we get someone to pretend to be your boyfriend ? How well does Jarome know Sidney Crosby ? " Alex arrived at exactly the time Lauren had told him . Good thing she 'd told him half an hour late . A bunch of people were already working on drinks and snacks in the yard . " Alex , " Beth said , shaking his hand . " Lauren says I should say it 's nice to see you . So I will . Welcome back . " It 's the best I can hope for , Alex knew . " Alex , " Billy was tight - lipped . " Feels like I just saw you yesterday . Wait , I did . " Billy and Beth went toward the kitchen , so Alex went outside . Some of his teammates were there . Kids were running around the grass . Lauren was turning burgers on the grill with a huge spatula . When she saw him , she smiled . That smile , he thought . The years didn 't seem to have touched her . If anything , Lauren looked better now . She was fit and healthy , more slender than he remembered . Her long dark hair was left naturally curly , something she never did when they were together . He recalled her straightening that dark mass with some contraption that took ages and looked like a torture device . The curls suited her better . " I 'm glad you came , " she said . But she didn 't hug him , didn 't put her down her work . Baby steps , Alex reminded himself . " He 's trying to get back in your pants , you mean , " Beth chimed in . I laughed off her comment and went outside . Alex was serving burgers to some of my newer friends , people he didn 't know . He was being outgoing , which I knew was a bit of an effort . It made me both happy and sad to see him trying so hard . It was also weird to watch him working the grill . If I had a boyfriend , he 'd be doing that . Beth 's suggestion of Sidney Crosby came to mind . I brought Alex a beer . I saw Alex mixing with his new and old teammates throughout the day . The party was a great time , but I never quite got him off my mind . My new friends all liked him . My old friends kept their opinions to themselves , mostly . " Making himself at home , " Jarome said , standing next to me at the cooler . Alex was helping the kids drive a horseshoe spike into the ground . " Sure this is okay ? " Jarome and Kara had borne the brunt of our breakup . Kara freaked out , thinking Jarome had known about Alex 's side dish and said nothing . He eventually convinced her that he hadn 't known . Then Alex asked for a trade . Jarome was the captain and Alex wanted off the ship - it was akin to being a deserter . Two years seemed to have softened his ire , but I knew that Jarome was serious when it came to his team . Alex would not rock the boat again , not on his watch . Alex carried the last of the plates inside and sorted them into the compost and trash . Nearly everyone was gone and the yard was mostly cleaned . I turned the dishwasher . " Yup , " Alex said . " Can I borrow a flashlight ? I didn 't realize these streets have no lights . Has it always been that way ? " " Yes , " Billy and Beth answered at the same time . I dug around under the sink and came up with a flashlight . Checking the batteries , I gave it to Alex . They both made faces while I followed him from the room . " Thanks , Lauren . I had fun . " Standing inside my front door , Alex looked like he 'd never left . Like he belonged there . So much of my heart was occupied with the idea of him - him while we were together , all the time I 'd spent on him after we 'd ended . This felt like an alternate reality where we 'd gone back in time . " I don 't deserve it , but you are a better person than I am . " He leaned in a kissed my cheek . I didn 't say a word , just stood rooted to the spot as he let himself out . Nonono , my brain told my body . But his skin had been warm from the sun . And soft . He smelled like sunshine and green grass . The door closed and jarred me back to the present . " I saw . " How could I not ? Eight people had called , texted or emailed . And Billy had even stopped by the library on his day off . Every one of them with the same story : Alex Tanguay returns to Calgary Flames . I could blame everything on the spectacularly bad Alberta winter of 2006 - 2007 . Power was going out all over town , even in the nicest neighborhoods . " Can I help you ? " I asked the thousandth person that day . I didn 't recognize him at first , hat pulled down and jacket collar turned up . Then I saw his bright blue eyes and there was no mistaking Alex Tanguay . If he thought I was pretty or nice , if he even saw me at all , he didn 't show it . The library was full of people using the computers , hanging out in the electricity and warmth . None of the internet terminals were free , but hey . I 'm a hockey fan . " You can use the one in my office , " I said , leading him around the side of the main circulation desk . I said " my office " so he 'd know I was doing him a favor . It didn 't register . He plopped down at my desk with a cursory thank you and went to work . I closed the door behind myself . An hour later , he came out to the desk . " Thanks for letting me use your office , " he said , actually looking at me this time . He was paying attention now . " I was going to get a coffee . Can I come back and finish ? Can I bring you something ? " " Umm , sure . I 'd love a hot chocolate . " Surprise probably rang in my voice . He came back fifteen minutes later , hands gratefully wrapped around the warm cups . I watched him stomp his boots in the entry way to knock the snow off . That 's nice . Most people don 't do that . In fact , most people treated the library like a barn . Forget the rule about talking - that 's an old wives ' tale . But people yell , kids run , books are left everywhere but where they belong . And everyone touches everything , which is really gross when you think about it . An old man at the nearest computer blew is his nose as Alex handed me the cup . The honking lasted a good thirty seconds before the man wadded his soggy handkerchief and stuffed it back in his pocket . Thirty minutes later , the sheriff stopped in and announced the power had been restored to most of the area . I knocked on my door and told Alex . A few minutes later he came to all bundled up . He passed me a book - the new James Patterson novel - to sign out . " I can sign you up for one , " I almost laughed . " Or you can just borrow it . It 's not like we don 't know where to find you . " He looked surprised . " Oh . Yeah . I guess . Well … " he stopped in mid - sentence . " I was only getting it so I 'd have an excuse to ask you out anyway . If I borrow it , you have to give me your phone number or you might never get it back . " Now I was really surprised . He 'd barely looked at me twice . But he had brought me a treat . I should put all the cute guys in my office , I thought . I wrote my number on the back of a neon green bookmark and stuck it inside the front cover . I held it out to him , but didn 't let go . He 'd called . We 'd gone out . Instead of looking at me , Alex had looked at the photos in my office - there were many . And he 'd seen my name on a million things lying on my desk . Still , I thought he was pretty clever . That first season was magic . We were crazy about each other . Alex hit a career high in points . The playoffs were short - lived : the Flames went in seeded 8th and were knocked out in the first round . Alex took it hard , but all the guys did . We spent a lot of his off - season together - he stayed in Calgary for much of it , and I visited him in Quebec a few times . In August , he was back for good and we were strongly together . I 'd missed him over the summer , and apparently he 'd missed me too . I moved in with him two days before the 2008 - 2009 season began . Just before the first game , he told me he loved me . Maybe we got in over our heads . Alex 's season started fine , but soon the games without points were piling up . He worked harder , as if laziness were keeping him off the board . He got moody . When he scored or had a good run of assists , we were like we 'd been before . When he didn 't , he seemed to resent my presence in his house . I tried to operate like things were normal , but soon I was wishing for road trips . I began to resent the wives - and - girlfriends commitment , it was keeping me from my job at the library and it diminished me as a person . I was expected to have nothing to do but be his girl . Everything else was supposed to take a back seat to his job . At first , I found that exciting . When things started to fall apart , I didn 't even have myself to fall back on . In March it became obvious the Flames were going into the playoffs with a low seed . Alex 's point production had been questioned all season , but now the media were turning up the heat . The harder he tried the less he scored . The harder I tried to be there for him , the more he pushed me away . At the end of March , I went to my parents ' house in BC for a week just to get away before the playoffs . I came back for the last home game of the regular season . Alex should have been at the morning skate . I didn 't know it was optional . So I walked into the house and right into a nightmare . " Who the fuck are you ? " I asked . She was blonde , petite and in my kitchen with no pants on . " Shit , " she said . " Alex ! " Then she continued to pour herself an iced tea . She opened the cabinet and got the sugar . She even put it away when she was done . I stood , silent and open - mouthed , while this half - naked stranger made herself a drink . He came out of the bathroom in boxer shorts , toweling off his hair . His eyes met mine and he froze . I 'm pretty sure I saw what a soldier sees in battle . Nothing but the blackness . I probably wasn 't fully conscious . A functioning person would have murdered them both with the nearest fork . Instead , I was oddly calm . " How long ? " I asked her , not him . " Since Christmas , " she answered . Her expression wasn 't gleeful , but it wasn 't scared . Four months . They were practically dating . And she certainly wasn 't worried about me . I hadn 't even put my bag down . So I carried it right back out . He chased me to the car . At least he did that . Maybe he called my name . Maybe he had something to say . I unlocked it with the remote , got in and peeled out without so much as a pause . " He 's been here like 50 times , " Billy told me at work a week later . I didn 't care . He 'd left a hundred voicemails and I hadn 't listened to one . The voicemail was full , so he just called and called , letting it ring endlessly . When I left the library that afternoon , he was sitting on the bumper of my car . The Flames were down 2 - 0 in the first round of the playoffs and just back from the trip to San Jose . " You are a lot of things , Alex . Sorry barely even makes the list . " I didn 't approach the car . I knew he wouldn 't leave until he 'd had his say . Better to get it over with and never have to see him again . " I made a huge mistake . The whole season got to me so much , I fucked up . I love you . Please come home . " He looked sad and small , begging . He had beautiful eyes . But I was really over that . " Are you kidding ? Someplace where you sleep with another woman for four months is not my home . I will never set foot in that house again . I 'd rather see it burned to the ground . " When the team was in San Jose , I had Beth use my key to collect my stuff . She left it on his counter when she was done . Calgary got knocked out in seven games . Alex called another hundred times to no answer . I assume he went home for the summer . He asked for a trade and on June 8 , the Flames sent him to Montreal . I drove by his house and saw a For Sale sign in the yard . |
For Christmas this year , my mom gave each of her children a pink binder . Inside the binder she has written her memories from birth to about 12 years old . It is great reading . Along with the stories , she has included the pictures that go with the stories . As she has been preparing this great gift , she has been pouring over the many boxes of pictures she has accumulated over the years . Not only of her , but of our family . As she when through all the boxes , she also sorted the pictures by child . So as a second gift , I recieved " My life in a Curtain bag " . Maybe I will share some of the stories I am reminded of after looking through these pictures . Tonight at dinner , we were serenaded by Austin . For some reason , this is a regular occurrence at the dinner table . We have been having discussions about not singing at the dinner table , but it does not seem to make a difference . Anyway - tonight 's song was Axel F . If you don 't know what that is , it is only because you don 't know the name of the song . I am sure that if you heard someone hum it , you would know in an instance . So , Austin starts singing it for some reason and the girls all join in . When they are done , Grandma Alger says " Isn 't that from 48 Hours ? " I say , " No , I think it is from Beverly Hills Cop , but they are both Eddie Murphy movies . " Austin says , " I don 't know what those movies are . " I say , " They are 80 's movies . " Without skipping a beat - - Austin says , " Oh , so they are in black and white . " OH , Austin . Then last night we had issues with the kids all leaving the table and then coming back when we were having dessert . Grandma Alger clarified the rule that if you leave the table you are done eating , therefore not getting dessert . This clarification did not go over well , so the nice grandma that Grandma Alger is said , " OK - you all know the rules now but tonight you can have some dessert . " Tonight at dinner , Austin reminds us all of the rule about not leaving the table . We go through dinner ( and a show ) and have a lovely time . When Austin is done with his food , he stands up and clears his plate to the counter and begins to go downstairs . The Adults at the table are still talking away with no notice of what Austin is doing . UNTIL . . . He come running up the stairs and grabs the table and says , " I 'm still touching the table . " It took us a minute to figure out what he was doing , but somewhere during his long journey down the stairs , he remembered that if he left the table , he would not get any dessert . OH , Austin - We love you ! ! @ ! Most of my childhood memories of Christmas have something to do with West Yellowstone , MT and snowmobiling . Since I was little , my dad worked for the Boy Scouts of America for the Great Salt Lake counsel . Every year during the Christmas break , groups of scouts would go to West Yellowstone to snowmobile . We were lucky enough to join my dad during some of these trips . I don 't remember a lot of details - - just bits and pieces . I remember one trip where my dad went up ahead of us and so we took the bus . I remember seeing cars stuck on the side of the roads along the way . Another ( could be the same - I don 't know ) we got tee shirts for night shirts . I remember wearing the shirts and jumping on the beds at the motel with the babysitter . Just before I turned 8 , our family moved up to West Yellowstone . Our parents ran the Big Western Pine Motel . The Motel is still there , but it has a different name now . I think I have more summer memories than winter after we moved there . But I am pretty sure we went snowmobiling every Christmas day ( or the day after ) . What a great time we had . One Christmas Aunts and Uncles and cousins came to spend Christmas with us . I remember that one because my sisters and I all got a camera for Christmas . We must have gone through 10 rolls of 110 film while they were all there . Not many of my pictures are in focus or even centered . But we sure had a good time . When it was time for everyone to go home , we three sisters got to go home with the Wrights . That was fun . Then Uncle Ed and Aunt Mary brought us home . At least that is how I remember it . Last week I was a first grade teacher . I don 't know how I got through , but I did . I have been subbing here and there for the last 6 weeks , but really only one day a week . The only reason I even have gone that many times is that I found a friend from high school on Facebook . After chatting with her back and forth , I found that she is a teacher here in Alpine . I felt a little dumb , but I sent her an email telling her I was registered with the district to substitute teach . She thought that was great and would keep me in mind if she ever needed a sub . About two weeks later , Ms . Jones gave my number to the teacher next door to her . That was the start of my subbing . This teacher , Mrs . Bjornberg , is pregnant and needed a teacher while she had a doctors appointment . She was so organized . ( I think I have blogged about this already ) . Anyway - Ms . Jones then needed me to come in some days . While I was there , Mrs . Bjornberg asked if I would be interested in subbing for her class the week before Christmas break . She was due to have her baby on the 22nd of December , but it looked like the baby was going to come earlier than that . I told her I would be happy to sub for her . In the back of my mind , there was a little voice YELLING at me - - WHAT ARE YOU DOING ? ? ? ? ? ? ? A WHOLE WEEK ? ? ? ? ? I did it . I survived and the students did too . I actually had a lot of fun . The first day I went in early so I could read through her plans . The first item was the explanation of the PARENT CHRISTMAS GIFT which turned out to be a wood ornament that the students got to paint . WHAT ? ? ? I WILL HAVE TO PAINT WITH 1ST GRADERS ? ? ? ? This is not my cup of tea . I have a hard time painting with my own kids . So much so that I don 't ever let them do it . Luckily , Mrs . Bjornberg has an AWESOME assistant that comes in the mornings to help with things the students are doing . She pulled the kids back a few at a time and had all 28 students done in two days . It was great . I never had to get close to the mess , and she helped them keep the paint only on the ornament . The otherPosted by I have a vivid memory of a ward Christmas party when we lived in Holiday , UT . I must have been 5 or 6 years old . I can picture the gym full of people and stations where we did different crafts . That was the year we did Shrinky Dinks for Christmas ornaments . There was a coloring page station and the best of all , a Santa Station . Santa sat on a raised platform . I remember having to climb the stairs up to talk to him . I remember his hands . They were so familiar . Then I looked in his eyes and knew right away who he was . I then whispered in his ear - so no one else could hear me - " I know it 's you Dad . I won 't tell . " I thought that finishing school would mean that I have more time to do whatever I want . So far that is not the case . I have just replaced school work with substituting . I did get some fun books at Barnes & Noble . Digital Fortress by Dan Brown , Deception Point by Dan Brown , The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins and Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins . I read Digital Fortress in two days . It was nice to not have to do anything for a couple of days . But then someone complained about not having any clean clothes to wear so I had to get laundry going . Then it seemed as though there was nothing to eat even though there was lots of food , so I had to go to the grocery store . I did start Deception Point . I am about half way through , but then I decided I better get some Christmas presents done . Then a teacher called for me to substitute for her class for Friday and Monday . After subing for the whole day Friday , I came home made dinner and watched TV . My brain was fried . At 7 : 30 pm I was ready for bed - so I went in and thought I would read for a little while . I got through 2 pages and couldn 't keep my eyes open . I was asleep before 8 . I have not done that for a VERY long time . But at 6 : 15 am when Special K ( that is the name grandpa is testing - we are not sure if she will let it stick ) came in to poke my face , I was rested and ready to snuggle with her . Then today I went with grandma to Ross . I don 't think when we started at 9 am that we thought we would be gone until 3 : 30 pm , BUT we did get all of our shopping done . I have all my Christmas shopping done - all that 's left is to wrap . And maybe a few more stocking things , but Santa can take care of that for me ! SIDE NOTE : I did get my grades back on my finals - - B for Geology and A for Education Class . That means I passed both classes with a B and C + respectively . I just turned in my last project . I have completed my AA in Early Education . I am pretty sure I have passed the two classes I just finished and will be looking forward to getting the small diploma . I have such a feeling of accomplishment . I am so excited . To celebrate - I am going to Barns & Noble to buy a book or two . I will have time to read whatever I want now ! ! ! ! I MADE IT ! ! ! ! ! Since I have been taking a geology class for the past nine weeks , we thought it would be fun to experience some of the exciting geology around us . We looked at different places around us . There is just so much to choose from . So , we decided to go to Arches National Park in Moab , UT . G - parents A . had not been to Delicate Arch , and neither had we , so that is where we decided to go . We got up pretty early Wednesday morning and drove down to Moab . We got there about 11 am . We couldn 't have planned the day better even if we tried . We went right into Arches National Park and started at the Visitor 's Center . That was a great place to start . This stop told us what to look for , what hikes to take , and how hard they would be . We were hiking with Kelsey , so we didn 't want to do anything hard . We decided to go directly to the Delicate Arch hike . Can you see the parking lot where we started ? ? This picture could be considered half way . It was not as easy as we thought . . . - and it took us twice as long as the " estimated time " . . . but we loved it ! ! ! On the way back , we had the best guide to get us down the mountain . The bottom of Kelsey 's shoes said Dora . We were all explorers ! ! ! That hike could not have been more fun . The weather was perfect , not hot , in some spots - CHILLY - but comfortable for hiking . When we finished the hike , we were ready to get some dinner and rest for the night . Thursday morning , we went back into Arches and checked out the other , much shorter hikes . And the weather was even better today . Beautiful sun . Beautiful sky . And the best company . We started back home and stopped at Dead Horse Point which over looks Canyon Lands National Park . This park is four - wheeler heaven ( no paved roads ) . We were pretty sure our Chrysler Mini - Van would not make it - so we had to get our fill from the look out point . Spectacular view . This has been a great Thanksgiving . I am thankful for school that gave us the idea for our trip . I am thankful for family who were up for an adventure . I am thankful for Heavenly Father who created eThe Wells The end is so near I am starting to panic a little . Will I get the finals in on time ? Will I get good enough grades on them that I will pass the classes ? Will I be a nicer mom ? Will I be able to better help kids with thier homework ? Will I have to clean with my new extra time ? Will I be expected to put the clothes away after I have folded them ? Will I have to fold the clothes the same day they come out of the dryer ? Will I have to clean the bathroom more often ? Will I be expected to actually go for a walk and get some exercise ? I am hoping to just watch TV for a little while . I would like to think that my children are smart , thinking children . At least they usually are . The end of last week has caused me to reevaluate this thinking . 1st child along with the help of 3rd child decided to carve a small , squishy pumpkin . 3rd child was in charge if getting the knife and came back with box cutter . 1st child proceeded to carve the pumpkin but ended up carving her thumb instead . UUUUGGGGG ! ! ! Very calmly both children came upstairs to tell me what didn 't happen . 3rd child began the story by telling me they were not carving a pumpkin . This statement was made before I knew anything was going on . 3rd child will need to work on information delivery . While 1st child was rinsing her thumb , she then passed out . Thankfully , 2nd child was helping in the kitchen and broke 1st child 's fall with her foot . After gaining control of myself ( because I was really mad ! ) , I looked at the thumb and decided it needed stitches . So to the ER we went , because of course this was Friday night at 6 pm and I had not looked up Urgent Cares covered by our insurance . I am grateful to be in AF . We went to the ER and before I could get the paperwork filled out , we were all ready being seen by the triage nurse . Then less than 2 minutes of sitting in the waiting room , we were taken back to see the doctor . There was no wait there either . The doctor came right in , started sticking the thumb with numbing juice , cleaned the wound , and then stitched it right up . We were out of there in about an hour . 1st child cut pretty deep , but did not hit anything that would affect the use of her thumb . She ended up with four large stitches on the outside and none on the inside . We are grateful for that . Then Saturday afternoon , after playing in the new snow . The kids were making paper snowflakes ( because the real ones were not enough ) . While cutting the paper , 2nd child snipped her finger . She did not need stitches , but it sure hurt . Both 1st child and 3rd child vowed to never do that again and 2nd child said she would be more careful . I reallyPosted by Allynn turned 12 today . I can 't believe how time just flies by . She is growing into quite the young lady . She is super helpful all the time . She doesn 't complain about much - unless she is really tired . I couldn 't have picked a better first child - oh wait I did pick her . She is the best . Last week could have been her last week in Primary sharing time , but her teacher asked her to stick around for this week to help with the class presentation . She is such a good kid , that she is going to stay and help . She is really looking forward to the Tuesday activities . I am excited for her and feeling a little old . Yesterday I took a last minute sub job at the same school as last week . This was a different class . I was so excited that I was called , I forgot to ask about the class . Their school starts at 8 am and I got the call at 745 am . While I can be spontaneous , I like to have things planned so I can mentally prepare . And it was a Thursday - I don 't usually have a babysitter for Kelsey on Thursdays . I missed the call by not getting to the phone fast enough . I listened to the message and called the school right back . It was for half day - just the morning . That worked out perfect for me since The dad was going to a doctor appointment that morning . He would be able to take Ms . K with him - not always the best situation - but it worked . I got to the class and the teacher was there . She needed to go home to be with her own daughter who has swine flu . YUCK ! ! Now I was worried about touching anything in the classroom . I don 't want to be sick . Everything falls apart with the mom is sick . I don 't want to be sick ! ! ! ! Anyway - as the teacher is leaving I ask the class what grade this is . They all tell me 4Th grade . I then replied , " Oh good , then you all know the rules and I don 't have to worry about anyone breaking them . " The teacher then said , " Oh yes - we have already talked about proper sub statute etiquette . " She had a plan for the day all ready for me . When she came back at lunch , I shared with her some of the fun experiences we had encountered while she was gone . - When I went to collect the PM kids , I came back to three students getting out the frog . - One student decided that he was going to be English for the day and spoke with an accent . When I asked him about his British accent , he corrected me by explaining he was English because he was from London . I shared with him that London was in Great Brittan , therefore he would also be British . He said , " I guess I should have known that . " - The class had a " specialty " that morning which was P . E . When I went back to collect the class , they were getting lined up and one kid calledPosted by And last payment on the van was made . Now just waiting for the title . Pray for the van . Now that it is paid off - - it cannot die ! ! ! I managed to make it through the first day of subbing . I am pretty pleased with myself . I did not sleep very well last night , for fear that I would miss the alarm go off at 6 : 00 AM . When 6 finally came , I was worried about getting the door and too the school on time and with a lunch . I just kept moving . I am sure by this time my adrenaline kicked in . Kelsey got up with no problem and was excited to go to Julie 's . Grandma was kind enough to lend Kelsey her High School Musical lunch bag . Kelsey took carrots , cantaloupe , a banana , and fruit snacks with her . I took a sandwich , some carrots , and celery with peanut butter . After dropping off Ms . K . I headed over to the school . I got there with plenty of time to read over the lesson plan left by the teacher . This was the perfect class to be my first time ! Not because the kids were good , but because the teacher was great ! ! She left the best lesson plan . She knew exactly how long everything would last . She knew the attention span of her class really well ! The day just kept moving from one thing to the next . Now for the students - there was one that I could have done without , but he was not kick out of the room horrible . In the first part of the day he was wiggly . After lunch , he came to class with something to say about everything . He was quite noisy . I was glad the tasks they were working on did not require complete silence . I think I did an OK job . There was one moment of chaos ( I felt ) when it was time to transition into math and I didn 't understand the game I was teaching them . It took me and extra minute to get the hang of it and then everything went very smoothly . By the time the day was over , I feel I had a good stride going and felt I could do it again . Especially for that class . Well , for that teacher . My adrenaline petered out while I was in the middle of making dinner . Once I sat to eat , I was not sure I would be able to get up from the table . I have managed to make it downstairs and am ready for bed . It was a good day . I am so behind - well I was behind . I felt like I was behind in everything and only more was coming . I was behind on homework . I was behind on laundry . I was behind on cleaning the bathroom . I was behind on blogging . I was behind on my shows . Well - I am now caught up on the homework . It is Tuesday of Week 4 of 9 . I am current in both classes and have read some of what is due for Thursday . I could be better prepared for the education class assignment due Friday , but I am not . It is a PowerPoint about gender bias in schools . Sometimes I feel like the more we talk about differences and prejudices , the more prejudice I get . I will be glad to have classes over . I am moving along ! ! Yesterday and today I worked on getting caught up on laundry which provided me with time to get caught up on my shows . Mostly reruns of Law and Order : Criminal Intent . I like Goren . Anyway . Laundry is washed , amazingly folded , and I can 't believe - put away . I am starting to feel better . Tomorrow is also another source of anxiety . I will be substituting for the first time . I am very nervous . I have been told several times it is just like primary - but primary only lasts for 80 minutes at the most . This will be a class of first graders from 8 am to 330 pm . I hope I am ready . Then tomorrow afternoon , The dad 's parents will roll into town for a short visit . It is fun to see and visit with them . They will be coming for dinner . I think I will make potato soup since that is really easy and will be ready fairly quickly . Had I planned better , I would have purchased something to go in the crock pot - but I didn 't . It is all good . Family is good at helping ! As for the bathrooms and the vacuuming - I guess that will have to wait another day since I decided to blog instead of clean . Today Kelsey and I had the job of waiting for the handyman / plumber to come look at the water heater . We knew that he was scheduled to arrive at 1 PM , so to make sure we would not miss him , we came upstairs to the kitchen to wait . The timing was perfect for lunch , fix the water heater , take a nap . At 2 : 30 he still had not arrived . To pass the time , we watched TV , peeled apples on the Apple - core - peeler , made apple crisp , and sat in the rocking chair and sang songs . At one point she was disgusted by a fly on the wall . Which made me sing a great camp favorite - " Here we sit like flies on the potty seat , flies on the potty - seat , flies on the potty seat . . . " That is as far as I got since she didn 't like that I was singing about a potty seat . Then we sang " If you 're happy and you know it . " " Jesus wants me for a Sunbeep " and " We are a happy family " . Then she got quite and snuggled into my lap . This made me think of " Rock - a - bye Baby " . She moved her self to be cradled in my arms . She laid there looking at me , batting her eyes , with a soft smile on her face . As though all in the world had stopped . When the song was over she said , " Sing the other baby song . " Mom : What baby song ? Kelsey : The one where you bake the baby . I guess we need to work on " Pat - a - Cake " a little bit more since it is the cake we bake - - not the baby . Today , Austin , Sydney and I went to the eye doctor . These two kidlets have had a hard time catching on to reading . They do OK , but are not quite up to snuff . So in an effort to help them , I took them to the eye doctor to make sure they could see the board and the books they are asked to read . Sure enough - they can see . The doctor said they can see , they can focus , the problem may be in their interpretation , and I can 't help with that . So - we will continue with the efforts we are already taking . More and more and more reading . The need to practice . Sydney 's teacher sent home some short lessons to help her with her decoding . For Austin - we have a great lady in our ward that works in the school district 's reading recovery program . She is meeting with him to help him out . The annoying thing is they are both so stinking smart that they are bored with practicing . I hope they will find a love of reading ! I also had my eyes checked . I already wear glasses and am in need of a new pair . I thought I just couldn 't get the pair I have clean any more . Turns out , my eyes are getting worse and the prescription has changed . I was amazed at the difference during the test . The doctor also dilated all of our eyes . I learned something about getting your eyes dilated . Not only does it make your pupils huge , but it makes your kids REALLY LOUD and OBNOXIOUS . ( Maybe I was just annoyed with the stinging eyes - who knows . ) Last week was Stake Conference . I like Stake Conference , I must admit , because it starts at 10 am and we are done in 2 hours . Our regular block time starts at 1 : 00 pm . This is my nap time . So anyway , last week was Stake Conference . The music was beautiful , the talks were great . We managed to get through the whole meeting without having to take anyone out or having the three year old stand up and ask ( in her outside voice ) if it was time to go to nursery . And yes , she has done that before . NO - this time mom ( me ) was prepared with church related quiet activities for all four kidlets to do . And the Bishop sat in front of us , so I thought for sure that meant we would have great behavior from our children trying to impress the Bishop . And they were ! ! Very quiet and listening to the talks . We even know Kelsey was listening while she was coloring . How do we know this ? The first speaker was a newly ordained Elder with his call to Madagascar . Yes , he said Madagascar , which caused Kelsey to stand up and say " Madagascar , I saw that movie ! " They are always listening and hear everything . Mom : " Kelsey - why do you have the loaf of bread ? " Kelsey : " Because I am hungry . I need a peanut butter and jelly sandwich , but I can 't open the bread . You have to do it . " Mom : " Why didn 't you ask me for help ? " Kelsey : " Because I got a chair . " Mom hands Kelsey two pieces of bread and the closed loaf of bread back . Kelsey starts to walk away . She then turns to Mom and says . . . Kelsey : " I can do it , I know the ingredients . " Today Kelsey and I took the van in to have the transmission flushed and serviced . This is not a quick process . Lucky for us there was a McDonald 's within walking distance , and it had a play place . After playing for a while , we got baby ice cream cones . Kelsey thought these were so cool . As we were sitting there enjoying our tasty treat - I bit into the cone . She was shocked and quickly asked , " Mommm , why are you eating the paper ? " I told her it was the cone and that you are supposed to eat it . She gave me a funny look and kept licking hers . Then , when there was only ice cream in the cone , she looked a little disappointed . I told her to bite it and that it was like a cookie . So she did . She thought that was so fun . I guess I have not done a good job of exposing my children to the finer things in life . The kidlets have now been in school for a whole week . They are learning new things and making friends . They come home very tired , but it is well worth it . Kelsey is not as excited about school starting because she does not get to leave when everyone else does . She and I are looking for things to do . At the end of September , the library will start their story time program . We are looking forward to that . The weather is still nice so we can be outside too . We just have to be careful because she is on an antibiotic that is photo sensitive . ( nothing serious ) As for my school , I can see a small glimmer of light at the end of the very long tunnel . I am currently in the 5th week of my current 9 week block . I am taking Math 157 - Math for Elementary Teacher II . Since when did elementary kids learn statistics . I must admit that my 5th grader - now 6th grader had to help me with some of the concepts involving mean , median , and mode . Once I learned how to figure those , I had to learn about , variance , standard deviation , interquartile range of data and how to put that information into a box - and - whisker plot . That was the first two weeks . Now I am into geometry learning about rotational symmetry , reflectional symmetry , and whether polygons are regular or not . My head is swimming ! The other class I am in is AED 222 - Introduction to the Exceptional Learner . In this class I am learning about different learning abilities and disabilities . The final is comprised of me creating an IEP ( individualized education program ) for a make - believe student . So far I am learning the components of an IEP and which students work with one . After these classes , I will have one 9 week block of two classes left ! I am very excited ! ! I have also been finger - printed and placed in the system to substitute teach in the local school district . I will be able to log into the district system to select the jobs I feel I can do , on the days I am available . I am nervous , but I will try not to have a panic attack when I accept my first job . The Dad is just working aPosted by The kidlets are so excited to be back at school . Even though they are nervous about starting a new school , they have been to Open House to see their classrooms and teachers . Now they are gone for the day . I am glad I will not hear " I 'm bored " or " I 'm hungry " all day long . Well , at least from those three . I cried thinking about not having my buddies with me . I cried thinking about what I was going to do with the fourth all day while they were gone . Kelsey is not ready for them to go . Here goes the start of a new school year . For the Fourth of July weekend , we decided to go camping near Yellowstone Park just outside of West Yellowstone , where I grew up . We had a great time looking through the town , showing the kids where I lived and played , went to school and looking for the tricky tree ( which is no longer there , bummer ) . This October will mark 20 years since my family moved from West Yellowstone , MT to San Jose , CA and the growth of that small town sure shows it . The last time I was there we saw much of the growth , but even in the two years since that visit , a HUGE time share complex has been added . There was also a McDonald 's . Growing up we had the D & R drive - in ( no longer there ) and the Dairy Queen ( still there and looks the same ! ) . I even looked for the Bargain Depot which was a trinket store in an old train car . This was the place I bought a pair of black leather pants that I actually wore . ( What was I thinking ? ) We stopped along Canyon Blvd where the first two stop lights were installed the summer before we moved . Along Canyon are the majority of the tourist shops , diners , and other small town attractions . Sydney happened to be the only child without a hat for the weekend , so she and I jumped out really quick to buy one before heading into the park . Later that night when I was looking at the receipt , sure enough we had gone into the Bargain Depot . We showed them the school I went to which has since been converted into more shops and a new school was built in what we called the New Addition or Madison Addition . We then took the kids into Yellowstone National Park for some fun sights and not so fun smells . Just as we were approaching Norris Geyser Basin , Jason and I rolled the windows down for the unsuspecting passengers in the back . Austin was sure he would not be getting out of the car since it smelled so bad . I actually thought the smell was pretty tame compared to my childhood memories of the stinky sulfur emanating from the geysers and fumerals . We hiked in a little ways to Artist Paint Pots to see the beautifully colored pools aPosted by Our next trip took us down to Arizona for Jason 's graduation from the University of Phoenix . We drove down to Las Vegas where we met up with Jason 's parents , then headed south . We decided to cram as much into the trip as possible , so we first went to Hoover Dam . We were not able to stop for a tour , but we did get out for a minute ( so HOT ! ) to look around and take some pictures . They are in the process of building a new bridge to remove trafic from driving over the dam , I believe for security reasons . Posted by We stayed in Surprise , Arizona . We arrived early enough in the afternoon and it was 115 degrees that swimming was in order . Once everyone was suited up and covered in sunblock , we headed down to the pool . We had just arrived no 40 minuets earlier and the weather was calm and dry . The air was beautiful until we stepped out to get in the pool . A huge wind storm blew , and blew . I thought for sure there was a fire , but it was just a wall of sand and dirt coming right at us . I have never experienced anything like that before . Kelsey was done quickly , but The Dad and big Kidlets stayed until the pool closed . ( I wish I had a picture - Think of Hildago or the Mummy ) ( OK - not this bad , but you kind of get the idea ! ) The next day was graduation in Glendale , AZ at the University of Phoenix stadium where the Arizona Cardinals play football . The ceremony was great ! ! The Keynote speaker and the student speaker were perfect ! ( short and sweet ) . Then we watched as Jason walked across the stage to get the rolled up piece of paper that tells you to pay any outstanding balances and order your diploma . It was so fun . Masters in Information Systems Then for a treat , Papa took us all to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince . This was fun since we had been listening to the book during all of our traveling . The best part for me was coming out of the movie and Sydney started talking about all the stuff that was missing from the movie that was in the book . She does not like to read . I hope this gave her insight to the wonderful world of reading . The drive home from Arizona was much longer than the drive there . In the spirit of cramming as much as we could into three days , we drove home through the South Rim of the Grand Canyon . I had never been there before . The area before the Grand Canyon was beautiful forest . So green . I had not expected that . The road through the National Park is lined with tall pine trees . Then after parking the car , we walked to the look out points and see the canyon . So beautiful . We wondered if the lines on the rock walls were from water levels dropping . It took us a good two and a half hours to drive the 25 miles through the park . After two stops , however , Kelsey was not allowed out of the car again because she was too busy , wouldn 't hold hands , and was sticking her body through the guard rails . She was not happy . After we fed her at one stop , she fell asleep . After the park , we followed the road through the reservation to Lake Powell . We didn 't get to stop there , but would like to plan a trip to go back . The whole area was to beautiful . Needless to say , we had a fun trip . We were exhausted when we finally made it home Monday morning at 4 am . The Dad was glad he had the whole day off to recuperate from all the excitement . This next weekend The Dad and The Boy are headed to Father and Sons camp out . Then the next weekend is camping with the Alger family at Fish Lake . Then school will start . This summer sure has flown by . Between Memorial Day and the last day of school , the kids and I were able to go to Hollister for a quick weekend to spend time with Mema and Papa . We drove over the hill ( Donner Pass ) Friday night , and managed to make pretty good time . Saturday we got up , had breakfast , and headed to the beach . The sky was overcast and a little chilly but we went anyway . We went to Pajaro Dunnes straight west of Watsonville . I was cold , but the kidlets were in the water ( at least up to their ankles ) . KeeKee at one point tried to walk across a small pool of water , tripped and fell in face first . When she stood up , her major concern was that her shirt got wet . She didn 't seem to be bothered that she was also covered in sand . Everyone had a good time . The seagulls were lined up along the shore waiting for the waves to come in . At first I didn 't understand what they were doing , but with each wave , small creatures were floating right in as a seagull snack wave . Allynn managed to find a live sand dollar . That was neat . And Austin found two clams . Both children decided they need to bring these creatures home with them . In the car on the way home , Austin was holding one of the clams when it started to open . You should have heard the squeal that came out of his mouth . I almost had to pull over to calm him down . He was sure it was dead when he picked it up . They put the clam back in the water . Then it looked like it was sticking its tonge out . That was a fun adveture . Then we went to Castroville for fried atichoke hearts and the Giant Artichoke . So yummy ! ! ! Then back to Hollister where we all went to see UP ! ( squirrel ! ) . Then Sunday morning it was time to get back to Reno for the last three days of school . We had a great time and hope to go again one more time this summer ! 1 . We made it to Utah ! 2 . Lots of Rain . 3 . We got our rec . center passes ! 4 . More rain . 5 . Groom 's ( little brother ) BBQ - planned , prepared , executed ! LOTS OF FUN ! ! ! 6 . Beautiful Day 7 . Wedding Day 8 . Beautiful Morning 9 . Today it is raining again . 10 . Bring on Summer ( and the rain , I love it . ) This has been the hardest move by far ! Our plan was for The Dad to leave Saturday morning of Memorial Day weekend . Leaving then would have given him the weekend to get settled before he started his new job Tuesday morning . I was going to stay here with the kidlets until school ended the first week of June . Well , as with all good plans , this one fell apart quickly . It took us longer to load the Uhaul and then not everything fit . Turns out we have much more stuff than we thought . So , Saturday night at 9 : 30 pm we were still trying to load more into the truck and finally filled every space . Much to Allaha 's dismay , she was the small person who had to crawl out of the very full truck after getting the last box in . Since there were still boxes needing to go to Utah , we took out the back seats of the van and filled it with as much as we could . That meant the kids and I had to drive with The Dad to Utah . I had the absurd idea that I would drive to Utah Sunday and drive back to Nevada on Monday . We didn 't get out of Reno until 2 : 30 pm Sunday because we didn 't realize how long it takes to load the small car onto the car - transport , then load the small car with more stuff . 45 minutes out of town , I realized I would not be able to drive back Monday , so I made arrangements with the mom of the kids I watch so I could sleep Monday night and drive back on Tuesday . We were actually surprised just how well the Uhaul + trailer cruised across the desert . We made it to Elko by 8 : 30 pm where we stopped for some dinner . After eating , we decided to push on to Wendover . Once over the boarder , we stopped to get some rest . We found an inexpensive motel with free WiFi . I posted my homework that was due that night and went to sleep . That was midnight . I then got up at 4 am to get everyone else up and ready to go so we could be in AF at the storage unit before the arrival of our Unload - the - truck help . We had the best help ! ! ! Dave , Matt , Arthur , Peter , Julie , Whitney , Mom , Dad ! ! All were there with big smiles and strong muscles to get that truck unPosted by Last night some friends took me to dinner for my birthday , which is in a few days . After getting home around 9 : 30 pm and getting things finished up for the evening , I finally turned off the TV and the light to go to sleep at 11 : 30 pm . It is now 1 : 48 am and I am wide away . So now is as good a time as ever to blog . I woke up to thoughts of the friends I have made here in Reno . I have done a pretty good job of making really good friends in all the places we have lived over the last 13 years . This stop in life has been no different . These ladies have taken good care of me and our children and have given Jason a hard time when needed . I will miss them . I know I will make new friends ! I will also be living closer to family , who will always be my friends . Moving to Reno has been the farthest we have lived from family ( except for the year and a half in Singapore , but that was 10 years ago so it does not seem to count anymore ) . These people have become an extended family . Some of these people have contributed to our family in ways they will never know . Two brethren of our ward will always be close to my heart because they were so willing to spend time with Jason when he was in need of a friend . Weeks after we had moved to Reno , Jason was still getting used to being the boss at work . The staff that he had inherited were not happy to see him , and caused a great deal of problems for him . One evening the fatigue of it all just came crashing down on him . He knew he needed a blessing , but didn 't know who to call other than the bishop . When the bishop 's wife answered the phone and said her husband was not available , I thought for sure Jason would stop there . Sister Bishop then gave us the name of the 1st Counselor and Jason called him . Without missing a beat , he and another brother were at our house , after 9 pm , in less than 30 minutes to give Jason a blessing and then stayed over 2 hours sharing their own experiences with management and disgruntled employees . What a difference those two men made ! ! I will forever be grateful to thePosted by It 's official , the Wells are moving to American Fork , Utah . Jason has been offered a transfer position with Integra Telecom , which is the company he has been working for since October . He is looking forward to learning more about the company in this new area . He got the position because someone was promoted . We like to hear that they promote from within . He is learning a lot about customer service and the business to business telephone industry . He starts after Memorial Day , so we will be packing up all our stuff and he will drive out that weekend . The kids and I will stay here and camp out in the house until school is out the first week of June . We are sad to leave Reno , but are looking forward to new opportunities and adventures . Mom is a graduate secretary in the College of Health and Human Performance at BYU . From what I understand , she reads the graduate students thesis papers , edits , and helps them complete all they need to be ready to graduate and is assistant to Dr . Lindsey . She started taking classes to help her do her job better . After 8 years of taking one class per semester she has graduated with a BA in English ! ! As another function as graduate secretary , she plans the graduation . She sets the program and plans the meet - n - greet ( party ) for after the ceremony . She decided to " walk " with the students she has been working with and the faculty she has work with for years . I think it is great that she participated in the ceremony and party she planned . I didn 't get to go to the graduation , but thanks to technology I was able to share in some of the excitement . GREAT JOB , MOM ! ! ! You are such a great example to me and my family ! ! For video go here . For fun info about mom go here . Last week was spring break . It snowed and was very , very cold . Then Sunday was beautiful and this week has been wonderful . Spring break this years was pretty boring . This needed break from school seemed to come very late this year . However , the nice thing about spring break being now is that we only have 5 weeks and two days left of this school year . WOO HOO ! ! As for me , I am in week 5 of 9 for my current block of classes , Math & Political Science . I will be glad to finish , although I am enjoying these classes ( very interesting ) , but that will be two more classes completed leaving 5 until I am finished . YEAH ME ! And tomorrow , Grandma graduates from BYU ! ! We are sad to not be there , so have a great day ! Reading Megan 's blog again has reminded me of when I was little . I am not sure if I remember the story from experience or if I remember it from being told the story a few times from my parents . Anyway , as the story goes , one year our parents decided to give each of us our own Sing With Me . This orange hymn book was a spiral bound book of the primary songs . The first time we were given the books for family home evening , I began to tear the pages out of the book . Shocked parents tried to stop me , but I was determined to make sure everyone had a copy of the music . That way everyone could sing . I didn 't know that every page was a different song . Now it is my turn as a parent to sing those songs with my children . We have the fights over who is going to lead the music , who is going to pick the activity , and which direction the hearts on the FHE chart should move , but we continue . And the child in charge of music stands on the fireplace brick , with a chopstick in their hand , to lead us in the songs . Great memories . Thanks for reminding me Megan ! My oldest daughter is so excited about today . She has been grinning and giggling all morning . After getting myself ready for the day , I headed into the kitchen to get breakfast going . I found water all over the floor and NOBODY knew anything about it . . . except for Kelsey . The big kids forget that she sees everything and tells mom . As I continued to ask who made the mess , Kelsey says , " Sydney , you left water all over the place . " Sydney comes into the kitchen like the cat who had swallowed the canary . All smiles , telling me to turn on get some water from the faucet . Then Allynn comes running around the corner to see . They forget that the mom is still a little smarter than they are . Allynn had taped the kitchen sink sprayer so the water would squirt all over . It would have worked if they would have cleaned up the test shot . I am glad they will be at school for most of the day , so I don 't have to watch around every corner all day . One of my first hair cuts I remember was done by my mother at Grandma Busath 's house . I do not really remember the hair cutting part , but I do remember thinking I looked like the Incredible Hulk and was very upset . Mom fill in the blanks . I would like to hear the story again myself . My cousin recently posted on her blog about how her daughter cut her hair ( either by herself or with the help of the older , 4 year old , sister ) . This story reminded me of a haircut I once received . I am not exactly sure how old I was . I think it was second grade , so I was certainly old enough to know better . Our family was living in Salt Lake City or maybe we were already in West Yellowstone . My parents went out and Uncle Ed was left in charge of us ( three little girls ) . ' The great idea was had that we wanted " Laura Ingles " bangs . Little did my young mind realize , but Laura Ingles had GROWN her hair out so as to not have bangs . Since I didn 't know this , I took the scissors and cut my bangs as close to my head as I dared . I remember being under a sheet / kitchen chair fort . After realizing what had happened . We began to wonder how we were not going to get in trouble , so I added a head band and Uncle Ed never noticed . At least I don 't remember him noticing . I do remember that school pictures were shortly after this incident . If I was kind to the readers , I would fish that picture out of a box somewhere , but I am not sure if I am that nice ( or that organized ) . I am sure I have forgotten some details and maybe mom and Julie can fill in the blanks . I just thought I would share a quick memory . Today is the last day of Biology . I have passed the class and am ready to move on . So - tomorrow starts MTH / 156 - Math for Elementary Teachers I and POS / 110 - American National Government . I am interested to see how the math class works in an online classroom . I will be using the equation writer part of MS Word . I kind of think anything will be easier than biology . The political science class will be a whole lot more writing . In preparing for this next class line - up with my counselor - she was able to switch around the start date of some of my class with each other , so I will be done in December 2009 instead of Feb . 2010 . I am very excited . I have 7 classes left which are fit into 4 nine week blocks . Merry Christmas to me ! I have been sick for three weeks now . Congested , tired , and more . Today is a better day . I have also been doing a lot of biology homework . This week is the final week , so I have a short capstone essay due Wednesday and the final paper ( 1075 words ) due Sunday . Last week we attended the funeral for Jason 's grandfather . We were sad to see him go , but he was 90 and not doing too well lately . Grandma will surely miss him too . It was a very nice service . We started the morning at the graveside service . So many friends came and all the family was there . After , was a memorial service at their church . It was a happy service , but something was missing . I have not been to too many non - Mormon funerals . Each time there just seems to be something missing . Mostly the talk about the great plan of happiness which tells us why we are here and where we are going next . Grandpa Shirley is probably very busy getting reacquainted with his first wife and son who had gone before and getting to know Laurel 's ( Grandma 's ) first husband . Then I am sure he will get right to work . He strikes me as the guy that will be chomping at the bit for his temple work to be done . Jason 's dad , I 'm sure , is already getting the paperwork ready to get that done . I am thankful for the knowledge I have that we will all be together again as a family . I am behind on the happenings of the Reno Wells . The biology class is not coming to me easily . I actually have to read all the text . Imagine that . Now for fun things . Feb . 16th was our 13th anniversary . Since that day was also President 's day , we decided to extend the weekend even more . We took a trip to Utah to hang out with my family and to go to the Draper Temple open house . Jason had already asked for Friday off from work and then three weeks before we were to leave , he got BINGO during a contest at work and won a half day off . So we were able to leave Thursday afternoon which added to our trip . It was a nice break and we missed most of the weather when driving there and back . One fun thing our kids enjoyed was the RedBox stops . For those of you that don 't know what RedBox is , they are vending machines of DVDs . $ 1 . 00 gets you a movie at one machine and then is able to be returned at any other machine . So we got a movie in Reno before we left , then returned that one and got a new one in Winnemucca , then Elko , then Wendover . and the same for the return ride . Watching the movies certainly helps pass the time during that drive across the desert . Our kids enjoyed going to the open house - at least the big kids did . Kelsey 's favorite part was riding the shuttle bus and getting a cookie . Austin said there was too much walking . Sydney said it was beautiful . And Allynn wants to go again and walk slower . We were able to look in the beautiful mirrors in the sealing room which was a fun experience with our little family . Then we went to Olive Garden for lunch with my mom and dad . That was on Friday - the rest of the weekend we didn 't really do anything . It was nice to hang out and not have anywhere to be . Sunday the Johnson 's , Peter , & Whitney came over for dinner and I ate WAY TOO MUCH ! We had country style pork ribs , dad 's potatoes , cheese bread ( yummy ! ) , and corn . Then played games . A great time was had by all ! Our next break is in April . We are not sure what we will do then . In the last two days I have told many people what happened . I guess I forgot . Here it is - During P . E . her class was doing relay races outside . They were excited to be outside because it has been raining all day . Anyway - one of the races was running backwards . She was kicking it in to high gear to beat the kid next to her and she says " my feet went out from underneath me and I was either going to land on my head or my arm . " He landed full weight on her straight arm . Sorry for leaving that out ! ! The day started out well . We all got up on time and were ready for school early . We were able to read all of Enos and say our family prayer . I had almost all of the laundry washed and folded . Kelsey and Renni had been fed and were in their quiet time spots - Renni asleep in her bed , Kelsey watching a cartoon with The Dad . I had one assignment for school done and was half way through the research part of the second assignment when I got a call from the school . The voice on the other end of the phone told me his name and I knew it was the school nurse . He told me Allynn had an incident at school and that I needed to come get her . I must admit - the first thing that came to my mind was that she got in a fight and was in big trouble . I think because the nurse used the word incident . Anyway - I got to school and her teacher met me at the door with a very panicked look on her face . I finally made it to the nurses office where another teacher was there along with the nurse and the principal huddled around Allynn who was hunched over on herself holding her arm . This was about 2 : 30 pm . As I was driving her home , we assessed the pain and decided we needed to go straight to Urgent Care . I stopped by home first to give her some Advil since I didn 't know how long it would take for her to be seen by a doctor . My thought process for going to Urgent Care was they would cost less and be quicker than going to the ER . They were just that . We walked in and waited about 15 minutes before we saw the doctor . He sent us right over to get X - rays , but he could tell by looking at it that the arm was broken and that we would probably need an Orthopedic Surgeon to reduce it ( set the bone ) . After getting the X - ray , even I could see the break . Sure enough , we were sent back to Urgent Care where that doctor was able to get a hold of the on call Orthopedic Surgeon . Then we were sent to check out and moved along to the ER where it felt like we started over . Once we were past the reception desk in the ER , the nurse who came to get us was ready andPosted by |
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