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Elizabeth looked up from her sociology text , startled , and saw a rather nondescript young man in a green fatigue jacket . For a moment she thought he looked familiar , as if she had known him before ; the feeling was close to deja vu . Then it was gone . He was about her height , skinny , and twitchy . That was the word . He wasn 't moving , but he seemed to be twitching inside his skin , just out of sight . His hair was black and unkempt . He wore thick horn - rimmed glasses that magnified his dark brown eyes , and the lenses looked dirty . No , she was quite sure she had never seen him before . She blinked at him , frankly startled . Somewhere in the back of her mind she had been thinking about breaking for an ice cream . She was studying for finals in one of the third - floor carrels of the Student Union , and there was still a woefully long way to go . " Right ? " he persisted , and smiled . It transformed his face from something over - intense and nearly ugly into something else that was oddly appealing . The word " cute " occurred to her , and that wasn 't a good word to afflict a boy with , but this one was when he smiled . She smiled back before she could roadblock it behind her lips . This she didn 't need , to have to waste time brushing off some weirdo who had decided to pick the worst time of the year to try to make an impression . She still had sixteen chapters of Introduction to Sociology to wade through . " I 'm sorry . " She felt a little sorry for him , the way she sometimes felt sorry for stray dogs . He seemed to float in the green fatigue jacket and . . . yes , he had on mismatched socks . One black , one brown . She felt herself getting ready to smile again and held it back . " It 's nothing like that , Alice . I was studying at the Union on the third floor the Think Tank - and he invited me down to the Grinder for an ice - cream cone . I told him no and he sort of slunk off . But once he started me thinking about ice - cream , I couldn 't stop . I 'd just decided to give up and take a break and there he was , holding a big , dnppy strawberry , double - dip in each hand . " Elizabeth snorted . " Well , I couldn 't really say no . So he sat down , and it turns out he had sociology with Professor Branner last year . " " I 've got a seventy - eight average . I 've got to have an eighty to keep my scholarship , and that means I need at least an eighty - four on the final . Well , this Ed Hamner says Branner uses almost the same final every year . And Ed 's eidetic . " Anger surprised her and ran away with her tongue before she could hold it . " That 's great for you , sure . Dean 's List every semester and your folks paying your way . You aren 't Alice shrugged and opened 0 again , her face carefully neutral . " No , you 're right . Not my business . But why don 't you study the book , too . . . just to be safe ? " When she came out of the lecture hall after the exam he was sitting in the lobby , floating in his green army fatigue coat . He smiled tentatively at her and stood up . " How 'd it go ? " " Love one , " she said absently . Her mind was still on the exam . It was the one Ed had given her , almost word for word , and she had sailed through . " Don 't have any . I 'm in Honours , and you don 't take them unless you want to . I was doing okay , so I didn 't . " " Ed , you didn 't . That 's sweet , but - , The naked look in his eyes troubled her . She had seen it before . She was a pretty girl . Then her junior year was over , and she was saying goodbye to Alice . They were a little stiff together , and Elizabeth was sorry . She supposed it was her own fault ; she had crowed a little loudly about her sociology final when grades were posted . She had scored a ninety - seven - highest in the division . She fingered the envelope that poked out of her purse . Notice of her scholarship - loan package for her senior year - two thousand dollars . She and Tony would be working together in Boothbay , Maine , this summer , and the money she would earn there would put her over the top . And thanks to Ed Hamner , it was going to be a beautiful summer . Clear sailing all the way . June was rainy , the gas shortage depressed the tourist trade , and her tips at the Boothbay Inn were mediocre . Even worse , Tony was pressing her on the subject of marriage . He could get a job on or near campus , he said , and with her Student Aid grant , she could get her degree in style . She was surprised to find that the idea scared rather than pleased her . She didn 't know what , but something was missing , out of whack , out of kilter . One night late in July she frightened herself by going on a hysterical crying jag in her apartment . The only good thing about it was that her room - mate , a mousy little girl named Sandra Ackerman , was out on a date . The nightmare came in early August . She was lying in the bottom of an open grave , unable to move . Rain fell from a white sky on to her upturned face . Then Tony was standing over her , wearing his yellow high - impact construction helmet . Trapped in her motionless , voiceless body , she could only watch in dumb horror . Trickles of dirt began to run down the sides of the hole - A familiar voice cried , " Go ! Leave her now ! Go ! " Huge relief swept her . She would have cried had she been able . And her saviour appeared , standing at the foot of the open grave like a sexton . It was Ed Hamner , floating in his green fatigue jacket , his hair awry , his horn - rims slipped down to the small bulge at the end of his nose . He held his hand out to her . And she could get up . She sobbed with relief . She tried to thank him ; her words spilled out on top of each other . And Ed only smiled gently and nodded . She took his hand and looked down to see her footing . And when she looked up again , she was holding the paw of a huge , slavering timber wolf with red hurricane - lantern eyes and thick , spiked teeth open to bite . She woke up sitting bolt upright in bed , her nightgown drenched with sweat . Her body was shaking uncontrollably . And even after a warm shower and a glass of milk , she could not reconcile herself to the dark . She slept with the light on . She opened the door in her robe , expecting to see Tony , but it was Danny Kilmer , one of the fellows he worked with . Danny was a fun guy ; she and Tony had doubled with him and his girl a couple of times . But standing in the doorway of her second - floor apartment , Danny looked not only serious but ill . " Liz , " he said . " Liz , you 've got to hold on to yourself . You 've . . . ah , God ! " He pounded the jamb of the door with one big - knuckled , dirty hand , and she saw he was crying . They had been repairing drainage culverts on Route 16 . Part of the road was torn up , and Tony was flagging traffic . A kid driving a red Fiat had been coming down the hill . Tony had flagged him , but the kid never even slowed . Tony had been standing next to a dump truck , and there was no place to jump back . The kid in the Fiat had sustained head lacerations and a broken arm ; he was hysterical and also cold sober . The police found several holes in his brake lines , as if they had overheated and then melted through . His driving record was A - 1 ; he had simply been unable to stop . Her Tony had been a victim of that rarest of automobile mishaps : an honest accident . Her shock and depression were increased by guilt . The fates had taken out of her hands the decision on what to do about Tony . And a sick , secret part of her was glad it was so . Because she hadn 't wanted to marry Tony . . . not since the night of her dream . She was sitting on a rock outcropping by herself , and after an hour or so the tears came . They surprised her with their fury . She cried until her stomach hurt and her head ached , and when the tears passed she felt not better but at least drained and empty . She jerked around , her mouth filled with the copper taste of fear , half expecting to see the snarling wolf of her dream . But it was only Ed Hamner , looking sunburned and strangely defenceless without his fatigue jacket and blue jeans . He was wearing red shorts that stopped just ahead of his bony knees , a white T - shirt that billowed on his thin chest like a loose sail in the ocean breeze , and rubber thongs . He wasn 't smiling and the fierce sun glitter on his glasses made it impossible to see his eyes . " She told me what happened . I came right away . Poor Beth . " He moved his head , only a degree or so , but the sun glare slid off his glasses and she saw nothing wolfish , nothing predatory , but only a calm , warm sympathy . They had dinner at the Silent Woman in Waterville , which was twenty - five miles away ; maybe exactly the distance she needed . They went in Ed 's car , a new Corvette , and he drove well - neither showily nor fussily , as she guessed he might . She didn 't want to talk and she didn 't want to be cheered up . He seemed to know it , and played quiet music on the radio . " No , " he said . " You 've been through a lot and you need to get your strength back . It 's like being sick , isn 't it ? " " I just don 't know . After this , it seems so . . so trivial . A lot of the purpose seems to have gone out of it . And all the fun . " " It 'll come back . That 's hard for you to believe now , but it 's true . Try it for six weeks and see . You 've got nothing better to do . " The last seemed a question . " No , really . For you of all people to turn up . . . I thought I didn 't want to see anyone . But I 'm really glad it was you , Ed . " " That 's it , I guess . " She paused . " Who are you , Ed , besides my fairy godfather ? Who are you really ? " It was suddenly important to her that she know . He shrugged . " Nobody much . Just one of the sort of funny - looking guys you see creeping around campus with a load of books under one arm - ' Ed , you 're not funny - looking . " " Sure I am , " he said , and smiled . " Never grew all the way out of my high - school acne , never got rushed by a big frat , never made any kind of splash in the social whirl . Just a dorm rat making grades , that 's all . When the big corporations interview on campus next spring , I 'll probably sign on with one of them and Ed Hamner will disappear for ever . " " Another time , " he said . " I want to get you back . You 've got a long plane ride tomorrow , and a lot of hassles . " He knew she was going home because she had told him . But how had he known she was going by plane ? Or that it was a long ride ? He didn 't come to the tiny Augusta airport to see her off , and waiting for the plane , she was surprised by her own disappointment . She was thinking about how quietly you could grow to depend on a person , almost like a junkie with a habit . The hype fools himself that he can take this stuff or leave it , when really - ' Elizabeth Rogan , " the PA blared . " Please pick up the white courtesy phone . " " That I 'd meet you ? " He laughed . " You don 't need me for that . You 're a big strong girl . Beautiful , too . You can handle this . Will I see you at school ? " He laughed again , gently . " No , don 't say anything . Not now . I 'll see you . There 'll be time then . All the time in the world . Good trip , Beth . Goodbye . " Elizabeth picked up the old pattern of school and classes like a woman who has been interrupted at knitting . She was rooming with Alice again , of course ; they had been roomies since freshman year , when they had been thrown together by the housing - department computer . They had always got along well , despite differing interests and personalities . Alice was the studious one , a chemistry major with a 3 . 6 average . Elizabeth was more social , less bookish , with a split major in education and math . The events of the summer began to seem dreamlike . In a funny way it sometimes seemed that Tony might have been a boy she had known in high school . It still hurt to think about him , and she avoided the subject with Alice , but the hurt was an old - bruise throb and not the bright pain of an open wound . A week passed , then two , then it was October . She got a student directory from the Union and looked up his name . It was no help ; after his name were only the words " Mill St " . And Mill was a very long street indeed . And so she waited , and when she was called for dates - which was often - she turned them down . Alice raised her eyebrows but said nothing ; she was buried alive in a six - week biochem project and spent most of her evenings at the library . Elizabeth noticed the long white envelopes that her room - mate was receiving once or twice a week in the mail - since she was usually back from class first but thought nothing of them . The private detective agency was discreet ; it did not print its return address on its envelopes . " Who is it ? " she asked , annoyed , and ran through her tattered stack of excuses . Migraine headache . She hadn 't used that one this week . The desk girl said , amused , " His name is Edward Jackson Hamner . Junior , no less . " Her voice lowered . " His socks don 't match . " Elizabeth took a pair of slacks out of her closet . Took out a short denim skirt . Felt the curlers in her hair and groaned . Began to yank them out . He looked just the same ; he hadn 't changed at all . He was wearing his green fatigue jacket , and it still looked at least two sizes too big . One of the bows of his horn - rimmed glasses had been mended with electrician 's tape . His jeans looked new and stiff , miles from the soft and faded " in " look that Tony had achieved effortlessly . He was wearing one green sock , one brown sock . He stuck his hands in the pockets of his jacket and grinned shyly . " I thought I 'd give you some time to date around . Meet some guys . Figure out what you want . As the days passed it occurred to her that she had never met anyone , male or female , that seemed to understand her moods and needs so completely or so wordlessly . Their tastes coincided . While Tony had enjoyed violent movies of the Godfather type , Ed seemed more into comedy or non - violent dramas . He took her to the circus one night when she was feeling low and they had a hilariously wonderful time . Study dates were real study dates , not just an excuse to grope on the third floor of the Union . He took her to dances and seemed especially good at the old ones , which she loved . They won a fifties Stroll trophy at a Homecoming Nostalgia Dance . More important , he seemed to understand when she wanted to be passionate . He didn 't force her or hurry her ; she never got the feeling that she had with some of the other boys she had gone out with - that there was an inner timetable for sex , beginning with a kiss good night on Date 1 and ending with a night in some friend 's borrowed apartment on Date 10 . The Mill Street apartment was Ed 's exclusively , a third - floor walkup . They went there often , and Elizabeth went without the feeling that she was walking into some minor - league Don Juan 's passion pit . He didn 't push . He honestly seemed to want what she wanted , when she wanted it . And things progressed . When school reconvened following the semester break , Alice seemed strangely preoccupied . Several times that afternoon before Ed came to pick her up - they were going out to dinner - Elizabeth looked up to see her room - mate frowning down at a large manila envelope on her desk . Once Elizabeth almost asked about it , then decided not to . Some new project probably . Alice said carefully , " I think that when I finish talking to you we 're not going to be friends any mpre . For me , that 's giving up a lot . So I want you to listen carefully . " " Two things made me wonder about Ed Hamner , " Alice said . " First , you wrote me about Tony 's death and said how lucky it was that I 'd seen Ed at the Lakewood Theatre . How he came right over to Boothbay and really helped you out . But I never saw him , Liz . I was never near the Lakewood Theatre last summer . " " But how did he know Tony was dead ? I have no idea . I only know he didn 't get it from me . The other thing was that eidetic - memory business . My God , Liz , he can 't even remember which socks he 's got on ! " " That 's a different thing altogether , " Liz said stiffly . " It - " " Ed Hamner was in Las Vegas last summer , " Alice said softly . " He came back in mid - July and took a motel room in Pemaquid . That 's just across the Boothbay Harbour town line . Almost as if he were waiting for you to need him . " " I ran into Shirley D ' Antonio just before school started . She worked in the Pines Restaurant , which is just across from the playhouse . She said she never saw anybody who looked like Ed Hamner . So I 've known he 's been lying to you about several things . And so I went to my father and laid it out and he gave me the go - ahead . " Elizabeth was on her feet . " No more , Alice . That 's it . " She would catch the bus into town , spend tonight at Ed 's apartment . She had only been waiting for him to ask her , anyway . " Love is blind , huh ? " Alice said , and smiled bitterly . " Well , maybe I happen to love you a little , Liz . Have you ever thought of that ? " Elizabeth turned and looked at her for a long moment . " If you do , you 've got a funny way of showing it , " she said . " Go on , then . Maybe you 're right . Maybe I owe you that much . Goon . " Elizabeth was struck dumb . She and her parents had lived in Bridgeport for six years , moving to their present home the year after she had finished the second grade . She had gone to P . S . 119 , but - ' Alice , are you sure ? " " The pretty ones never remember the ugly ducklings , I guess . Maybe he had a crush on you . You were in the first grade with him . Liz . Maybe he sat in the back of the room and just . . . watched you . Or on the playground . Just a little nothing kid who already wore glasses and probably braces and you couldn 't even remember him , but I 'll bet he remembers you . " " The agency traced him from school fingerprints . After that it was just a matter of finding people and talking to them . The operative assigned to the case said he couldn 't understand some of what he was getting . Neither do I . Some of it 's scary . " " Ed Hammer , Sr . , was a compulsive gambler . He worked for a top - line advertising agency in New York and then moved to Bridgeport sort of on the run . The operative says that almost every big - money poker game and high - priced book in the city was holding his markers . " " Maybe . Anyway , Ed 's father got in another jam in Bridgeport . It was gambling again , but this time he got mixed up with a big - time loan shark . He got a broken leg and a broken arm somehow . The operative says he doubts it was an accident . " " He landed a job with a two - bit Los Angeles ad agency in 1961 . That was a little too close to Las Vegas . He started to spend his weekends there , gambling heavily . . . and losing . Then he started taking Ed Junior with him . And he started to win . " Alice tapped the report in front of her . " It 's all here , Liz . Some of it wouldn 't stand up in court , but the operative says none of the people he talked with would have a reason to lie . Ed 's father called Ed his " good luck charm " . At first , nobody objected to the boy even though it was illegal for him to be in the casinos . His father was a prize fish . But then the father started sticking just to roulette , playing only odd - even and red - black . By the end of the year the boy was " The stock market . When the Hamners moved to L . A . in the middle of 1961 , they were living in a ninety - dollar - a - month cheese box and Mr Hamner was driving a " 52 Chevrolet . At the end of 1962 , just sixteen months later , he had quit his job and they were living in their own home in San Jose . Mr Hamner was driving a brand - new Thunderbird and Mrs Hamner had a Volkswagen . You see , it 's against the law for a small boy to be in the Nevada casinos , but no one could take the stock - market page away from him . " " Mrs Hamner spent the next six years in and out of various mental institutions . Supposedly for nervous disorders , but the operative talked to an orderly who said she was pretty close to psychotic . She claimed her son was the devil 's henchman . She stabbed him with a pair of scissors in 1964 . Tried to kill him . She . . . Liz ? Liz , what is it ? " " The scar , " she muttered . " We went swimming at the University pool on an open night about a month ago . He 's got a deep , dimpled scar on his shoulder . . . here . " She put her hand just above her left breast . " He said . . . " A wave of nausea tried to climb up her throat and she had to wait for it to recede before she could go on . " He said he fell on a picket fence when he was a little boy . " " His mother was released from a very plush mental institution in the San Joaquin Valley in 1968 . The three of them went on a vacation . They stopped at a picnic spot on Route 101 . The boy was collecting firewood when she drove the car right over the edge of the drop - off above the ocean with both her and her husband in it . It might have been an attempt to run Ed down . By then he was nearly eighteen . His father left him a million - dollar stock port - folio . Ed came east a year and a half later and enrolled here . And that 's the end . " Alice crossed the room and grabbed her arm . " Will you get that sulky , petulant look off your face for a second and think ! Ed Hamner is able to do things the rest of us only dream about . He got his father a stake at roulette and made him rich playing the stock market . He seems to be able to will winning . Maybe he 's some kind of low - grade psychic . Maybe he 's got precognition . I don 't know . There are people who seem to have a dose of that . Liz , hasn 't it ever occurred to you that he 's forced you to love him ? " " Is it ? He gave you that sociology test the same way he gave his father the right side of the roulette board ! He was never enrolled in any sociology course ! I checked . He did it because it was the only way he could make you take him seriously ! " " Please , " Alice said . " Please , Liz , listen . I don 't know how he can do those things . I doubt if even he knows for sure . He might not mean to do you any harm , but he already has . He 's made you love him by knowing every secret thing you want and need , and that 's not love at all . That 's rape . She caught the last bus of the evening into town . It was snowing more heavily than ever , and the bus lumbered through the drifts that had blown across the road like a crippled beetle . Elizabeth sat in the back , one of only six or seven passengers , a thousand thoughts in her mind . Menthol cigarettes . The stock exchange . The way he had known her mother 's nickname was Deedee . A little boy sitting at the back of a first - grade classroom , making sheep 's eyes at a vivacious little girl too young to under - stand that - I know what you need . Did she ? Or was she simply delighted at being with someone who always ordered the right thing , took her to the right movie , and did not want to go anywhere or do anything she didn 't ? Was he just a kind of psychic mirror , showing her only what she wanted to see ? The presents he gave her were always the right presents . When the weather had turned suddenly cold and she had been longing for a hair dryer , who gave her one ? Ed Hamner , of course . Just happened to see one on sale in Day 's , he had said . She , of course , had been delighted . She stood outside his door after five minutes of knocking , nonplussed . It occurred to her that she had no idea what Ed did or whom he saw when he wasn 't with her . The subject had never come up . The apartment looked different with Ed gone - artificial , like a stage set . It had often amused her that someone who cared so little about his personal appearance should have such a neat , picture - book domicile . Almost as if he had decorated it for her and not himself . But of course that was crazy . Wasn 't it ? It occurred to her again , as if for the first time , how much she liked the chair she sat in when they studied or watched TV . It was just right , the way Baby Bear 's chair had been for Goldilocks . Not too hard , not too soft . Just right . Like everything else she associated with Ed . There were two doors opening off the living room . One went to the kitchenette , the other to his bedroom . The wind whistled outside , making the old apartment building creak and settle . In the bedroom , she stared at the brass bed . It looked neither too hard nor too soft , but just right . An insidious voice smirked : It 's almost too perfect , isn 't it ? Dance Crazes of the Fifties . The book opened cleanly to a point some three - quarters through . A section titled " The Stroll " had been circled heavily in red grease pencil and in the margin the word BETH had been written in large , almost accusatory letters . I ought to go now , she told herself . I can still save something . If he came back now I could never look him in the face again and Alice would win . Then she 'd really get her money 's worth . On the off chance , she stood on tiptoe again and felt along the top of the door . And her fingers felt a key . She took it down and somewhere inside a voice said very clearly : Don 't do this . She thought of Bluebeard 's wife and what she had found when she opened the wrong door . But it was indeed too late ; if she didn 't proceed now she would always wonder . She opened the closet . She picked up one of the books and blinked - at the title . The Golden Bough . Another . Ancient Rites , Modern Mysteries . Another . Haitian Voodoo . And a last one , bound in old , cracked leather , the title almost rubbed off the binding by much handling , smelling vaguely like rotted fish : Necronomicon . She opened it at random , gasped , and flung it away , the obscenity still hanging before her eyes . More to regain her composure than anything else , she reached for the green fatigue jacket , not admitting to herself that she meant to go through its pockets . But as she lifted it she saw something else . A small tin box . . Curiously , she picked it up and turned it over in her hands , hearing things rattle inside . It was the kind of box a young boy might choose to keep his treasures in . Stamped in raised letters on the tin bottom were the words " Bridgeport Candy Co . " She opened it . The doll was dressed in a scrap of red nylon , part of a scarf she had lost two or three months back . At a movie with Ed . The arms were pipe cleaners that had been draped in stuff that looked like blue moss . - Graveyard moss , perhaps . There was hair on the doll 's head , but that was wrong . It was fine white - flax , taped to the doll 's pink gum - eraser head . Her own hair was sandy blonde and coarser than this . This was more the way her hair had been - When she had been a little girl . She swallowed and there was a clicking in her throat . Hadn 't they all been issued scissors in the first grade , tiny scissors with rounded blade , just right for a child 's hand ? Had that long - ago little boy crept up behind her , perhaps at nap time , and - Elizabeth put the doll aside and looked in the box again . There was a blue poker chip with a strange six - sided pattern drawn on it in red ink . A tattered newspaper obituary - Mr and Mrs Edward Hamner . The two of them smiled meaninglessly out of the accompanying photo , and she saw that the same six - sided pattern had been drawn across their faces , this time in black ink , like a pall . Two more dolls , one male , one female . The similarity to the faces in the obituary photograph was hideous , unmistakable . It was a model car , the sort small boys buy in drugstores and hobby shops and then assemble with airplane glue . This one was a Fiat . It had been painted red . And a piece of what looked like one of Tony 's shirts had been taped to the front . " It doesn 't matter , " she said , surprised at the steadiness of her own voice . " I know . And I never want to see you again . Ever . And if you do . . . anything . . . to anyone else , I 'll know . And I 'll fix you . Somehow . " His face twisted . " That 's the thanks I get . I gave you everything you ever wanted . Things no other man could have . Admit it . I made you perfectly happy . " He took another step into the room . " Yes , and I did it for you . And what are you , Beth ? You don 't know what love is . I loved you from the first time I saw you , over seventeen years ago . Could Tony say that ? It 's never been hard for you . You 're pretty . You never had to think about wanting or needing or about being lonely . You never had to find . other ways to get the things you had to have . There was always a Tony to give them to you . All you ever had to do was smile and say please . " His voice rose a note . " I could never get what I wanted that way . Don 't you think I tried ? It didn 't work with my father . He just wanted more and more . He never even kissed me good night or gave me a hug until I made him rich . And my mother was the same way . I gave her her marriage back , but was that enough for her ? She hated me ! She wouldn 't come near me ! She said I was unnatural ! I gave her nice things but . . . Beth , don 't do that ! Don 't . . . dooon 't - " She stepped on the Elizabeth doll and crushed it , turning her heel on it . Something inside her flared in agony , and then was gone . She wasn 't afraid of him now . He was just a small , shrunken boy in a young man 's body . And his socks didn 't match . " I 'll leave the box . But not the things in it . " She walked past him . His shoulders twitched , as if he might turn and try to grab her , but then they slumped . As she reached the second - floor landing , he came to the top of the stairs and called shrilly after her : " Go on then ! But you 'll never be satisfied with any man after me ! And when your looks go and men stop trying to give you anything you want , you 'll wish for me ! You 'll think of what you threw away ! " She went down the stairs and out into the snow . Its coldness felt good against her face . It was a two - mile walk back to the campus , but she didn 't care . She wanted the walk , wanted the cold . She wanted it to make her clean . And what was she ? Blessed with all the things he was not , through no fault of his or effort of her own ? She remembered the way she had reacted to Alice , trying blindly and jealously to hold on to something that was easy rather than good , not caring , not caring . On the bridge between the campus and town she paused and threw Ed Hamner 's scraps of magic over the side , piece by piece . The red - painted model Fiat went last , falling end over end into the driven snow until it was lost from sight . Then she walked on . Date : 2015 - 02 - 28 ; view : 171 |
Summary : Mulder is asked to endure one of life 's rituals that brings back tortured memories of his childhood . Scully is there to help him through it , and shares the journey with him . Definitely has a Shipper 's viewpoint , folks . Disclaimer : Mulder and Scully belong to 10 / 13 productions and Chris Carter . Since I have learned to play nice in the sandbox , I am only borrowing them and promise to return them at the end of the story . Honest . I promise . Believe me . Please , because I couldn 't afford to be sued on my salary . Introduction : This is a little ditty that 's been swimming around my head from the time I finished Abah V . It 's a stand alone , and is not related to the Abah series , though I see a possibility in _ this _ becoming a series of stand alone vignettes …. ( just how long is a vignette anyway ? ; - > ) revolving around , well life cycles . We 'll see . Depends a lot upon your reaction , so react people ! ! Good , bad , or heaven forbid , indifferent ! ( I can take good , I can take bad , but I think I would cry if you were indifferent ! ! ) Thanks in advance , folks . You 've been wonderful to me re : " The Abah Series . " I look forward to hearing from you about this ( and if anybody out there has read " George Jacobs Elementary School , " could you let me know ? I haven 't heard from to many of you on that one … . Is it the title ? ? ? ) " Mulder , good morning , " she said with a little more volume . She unzipped her briefcase to pull out some files she had been working on the evening before . She stacked them neatly on her work area ( it wasn 't really a desk , per se , it was more like a table that held her " stuff . " ) " I said ' good morning ' to you twice . You were oblivious to my warnings , Mulder , " she replied . " What the hell 's in that file that 's so damned interesting ? " " This ? " he questioned . " Nothing . Absolutely nothing . I 've been reading the same paragraph over and over again for the last forty minutes . " He put it down with a disgusted toss . He looked distressed , but Scully couldn 't put her finger on why . She glanced at the file he had been looking through , and noted it was one of the more recent files that had found its way to their office , but nothing that seemed too outlandish . Scully shrugged her concerns off and sat down by her terminal . When she signed on , she checked her e - mail . There must have been at least fifty pieces . She deleted the pieces that she figured only Mulder would appreciate ( " Hot Sex available - Call Me , Trina " ) and then began to skim through the remainder . When she finished she clicked off her e - mail . " The date , Mulder . today 's date . I just got an e - mail that Connie Anderson is retiring . You know her , she 's the gal in the prints department . " Mulder merely nodded . " Well , anyway , " Scully continued , " they 're collecting twenty bucks for a party and a gift . So , what 's the date , Mulder ? " " Yeah , " he responded trying to control himself , " I 'm sorry . It 's April , … . . April 12h . " Scully noticed he shuddered ever so slightly . " Mulder , do you feel all right ? You look like you have the chills . " Mulder looked at her and then slowly shook his head . " I shouldn 't be here , " he mumbled . " I have to go … " He started to walk towards the door , but stumbled so that he had to catch himself on the back of the chair . Scully immediately moved to stand in front of the door to block his path . " Where do you think you 're going ? " " Mulder , what 's wrong ? " He looked at her with watery eyes . He was becoming more and more upset . All he wanted for now was to get out of there . " Not now , Scully . " Scully looked at him carefully . She knew he was distraught , but didn 't know if this was one of those times when she could press him for the reason . But , she didn 't want him to bolt without giving her an idea as to where he was going . " I 'll take you home , " she said finally . Scully figured it was the most sensible thing to do . She wouldn 't have to press him into disclosing what was upsetting him so much , but at least she would have him close enough that she knew he would be safe . " I don 't think so , G - Man . Just wait there for a minute while I call Skinner and let him know . " Scully phoned upstairs to inform their boss that she was taking Mulder home as he wasn 't feeling well . He allowed her to lead him to her car . He didn 't say a word as he got into the car , nor for the entire car trip . When they arrived at their destination , Mulder spoke for the first time since leaving the basement . " I know that too . So , do they give those Oxford degrees out by mail order ? " she said with a lot of playful teasing . " Let 's go Mulder . Upstairs . Now . " Fox Mulder got out of the car . He really wasn 't sure if he wanted to deal with Dana Scully , master inquisitor . He wasn 't sure if he 'd be able to handle dealing with the questions , much less giving the answers . " Do you want coffee or hot tea ? " she asked , playing hostess . Dana wanted to make Mulder as comfortable as possible so he wouldn 't be reluctant to share what was disturbing him so much . Mulder stood by the window , looking out pensively toward the back of Scully 's complex . He began to absentmindedly rub his left shoulder . He stood there for a while , quietly lost in his thoughts , when Scully called out to him . " Tea 's ready . " She brought a lovely oriental style tea service to the coffee table . She poured the tea into small , dainty , teacups and handed one to Mulder . He started spooning teaspoon after teaspoon of sugar into the cup . " Have a little tea with your sugar , Mulder , " Scully reacted sarcastically . " Oh , sorry , " he replied softly . He sat quietly , drinking the tea . He tried to avoid direct eye contact with Scully . He wasn 't ready to speak about what was bothering him , but Scully had other ideas . " I 'm sorry , but you cannot tell me there 's nothing wrong here . I insist upon driving you home , and you don 't argue . I bring you here instead of your apartment , and you don 't fuss . I ask you if you want coffee or hot tea , and you choose tea ! Now I know something is wrong . She watched his face change ever so subtly , with each new emotion appearing as if in battle with the last . His eyes began to well up again , and all Scully wanted to do was go over and wrap her arms around him to comfort him . Whatever this thing was that was bothering him , it was obviously important to him . " Boston . I have to drive to Boston . I wasn 't going to go . I mean I didn 't want to go . But she called me this morning and asked me to go . She actually asked me to do her a favor and go . God , Scully , the woman hardly speaks to me , but she asks me to do this , " he concluded in a tired voice . " I 'm sorry Mulder , but I 'm still a little confused . What 's in Boston ? " " My father , " he replied , and at that Scully 's eyebrow automatically raised up in a questioning gesture . " My father 's buried in the Parkway Cemetery , in Boston , Scully . Now Scully was really confused . She looked at him as he stood up and began to pace back and forth wearing a hole in her carpet . He continued to rub the shoulder , until she finally asked him if it hurt . Scully gasped audibly . She honestly hadn 't realized the significance of the date . He kept rubbing the shoulder _ she _ shot in order to prevent him from killing Alex Krychek with Krychek 's gun , the weapon that killed his father . " Oh Mulder , I 'm sorry . I didn 't realize __ . " It 's no big deal , " he interrupted . There was no way that he wanted Scully to feel badly or guilty over his father 's death . The man screwed up everything when he was alive , and he screwed up everything when he died . He refused to allow himself to lose any more sleep over William Mulder . Scully stared back at him . * Jewish custom ? * she wondered . She never knew Mulder was Jewish . " Forgive me if I 'm a little surprised . I didn 't know you were Jewish . " " No . That 's why she wants me to go . She said she divorced the man , but he was still my father , " he laughed without humor . " Do you want to go , Mulder ? " " No . I don 't want to go , but I have to go . Look , it 's not often my mother asks anything of me , so this one time , I don 't feel like I can refuse her . Can you see that , Scully ? " he asked , wishing for understanding . Scully really wanted to ask him what his mother had done for him lately , but after a moment , she nodded in agreement even though she wasn 't so sure . Fox Mulder was a grown man , yet he still fell back into the insecurities of a young child whenever his parents , alive or deceased , came into play in his life . " So what do you do at this unveiling ? " she asked . " It 's no big deal . You go to the grave site and a rabbi says a prayer over the new headstone and the grave . My mother told me the whole thing won 't take much more than ten minutes . " She 's right . The last unveiling I went to was longer , but that 's because there were a lot of people at that one . There won 't be anyone but me and the Rabbi at this ceremony . " He looked strangely pensive . His mood changed even more drastically , Mulder seemed to withdraw into himself even more than usual . " My Nana 's unveiling . I was four years old . I had just started kindergarten , and Nana got sick . She died before my fifth birthday , and I didn 't have my party that year . The unveiling was a year later , and I didn 't have my party that year either . Ahh , the joy of having an eidetic memory . " Anyway , there were so many people there . Everyone loved Nana . " Then in a small , sad voice , " I loved Nana so much . I needed her so much . " He was trying to be so nonchalant about the whole situation , yet now she caught the tremors in his voice and hands , as well as the shakiness of his breathing . " Mulder , if you don 't want to do this , then don 't do it . Just don 't go . " " I don 't want to do this Scully , but I have to go . I have to do the right thing . " He sat down heavily on the sofa . He brought his hand up and rubbed it across his face . When he glanced back at Scully , she saw just how drained he looked . They swung by Mulder 's apartment for him to change into traveling clothes , pack a suit as well as a change of clothes , and feed the miraculously , still alive fish . Next , they decided to take the time to grab a bite to eat first , as they no longer had to worry about hitting any of the morning rush hour traffic . So , by the time they actually started driving to Boston , it was a little after eleven o ' clock . Mulder began the first leg of the trip . He headed toward the Baltimore - Washington Parkway that led them to Interstate 95 . Every now and then he stole a glance at Scully . He knew she didn 't understand his real motivation for making this trip . Hell , he wasn 't even sure if _ he _ understood it , but he knew if he didn 't go to Boston he would have regrets for the rest of his life . It was almost as if he wished this trip would help him exorcise him of his father 's demons . Mulder wasn 't sure if it would be successful , but he did know one thing . He was very grateful to have his best friend along for the ride . He knew she would be there to help him pick up the pieces , because whenever he had to do anything that included his mother or father , dead or alive , there were always pieces of him that needed to be picked up . " Bill , we 're going to be late . Please dear , you promised you would attend at least one of the High Holy Day services with us . I really don 't want to be late for the memorial service , " Elizabeth Mulder chided her husband . " Damn it Elizabeth , you know how much I hate going to these things . I feel like a God damned hypocrite . Makes me wonder why we spend all of that damned money on Hebrew school for the boy . He thinks it 's a crock of shit too , don 't you boy ? " Both Fox and his mother cringed at the obscene language which was obviously brought on by too much Jack Daniels . " And why the hell are we bothering to send Samantha ? She 's a girl for God 's sake . It 's not like she has to be a bat mitzvah ! " he said in drunken exasperation . " Mom , maybe Dad should stay home today . There 's always tomorrow 's Rosh Hashanah Service . Maybe he 'll be feeling better by then , " a very soon to be twelve year old Fox said hopefully . " Oh don 't be ridiculous , boy ! I feel fine . I 'm in my New Year 's finery , what more could I ask for ? " Bill Mulder explained . " A refinery ? " Fox shot back . He regretted the play on his father 's words immediately after he said them . Bill 's hand walloped him on the back side of the head . William Mulder was never one to hit Fox in an area that would show bruising . He next pulled Fox up by his arm , threatening to dislocate his shoulder . He began dragging the boy over to the chair and then pushed him into it . Unfortunately , Fox missed the seat , and ended up landing on the small of his back , flat on the floor . This of course infuriated his father even more . Fox reacted with a sharp gasp at the pain the motion caused him . He looked toward his mother for help , but as usual , she chose to look in the other direction . " Mom ? " he whimpered . " Shut up boy ! Your mother has nothing to do with this . Elizabeth , go get Samantha and let 's go already to the damned temple . Now . " He watched his wife hurry out of the kitchen to go get their younger child . " You coming ? " he asked Fox . The pre - teen looked up at his father incredulously . His shoulder was very probably dislocated , he was hit hard in the head and felt dizzy , his back was killing him , and his father wanted to know if he was going to temple ? He wanted to go to the hospital . His father had pulled his arm out of its socket before , so Fox was well aware of how much pain he was going to be in soon . " Elizabeth , " he shouted , " let 's go . " Bill Mulder left the boy where he was . He remained there until his family returned from the High Holy Day services , whereupon his mother took him to the emergency room for treatment of a painfully dislocated shoulder . Scully watched as Mulder took a trip down into his memory lane . She always could tell when he was remembering an incident from his past . He got a far away look in his eyes , and his response time to outside stimuli was a tad slower . The memories were usually difficult ones , though seemingly easier to handle during daylight hours than at night . Perhaps the visual memories weren 't quite as clear during the day time versions , which made them easier for him to handle . Scully saw him shudder and try to refocus his gaze . " Hey partner , " she said to him , " how about we pull over and I 'll take over the driving . " He had been driving for the last three hours . They were now traveling north on the Garden State Parkway . " We 're coming up to a toll booth . Pull over after the toll booth , Mulder . " He didn 't argue . He merely nodded . Scully was very worried about him , very worried . She realized if the daydreams were bad , the darkness was going to bring night terrors . As Scully drove , she took in the east coast sights . They traveled across the Garden State Parkway onto Interstate 87 . After paying a few more tolls , they came to the Tappan Zee Bridge . Scully remembered this was the bridge that had the movable lanes during rush hour . She was almost sorry it wasn 't rush hour , since she was curious to see how the whole system worked in its ability to change the lanes . Sometime later , as she continued to drive , till they came to Interstate 84 in Connecticut . When she stole a glance at Mulder , she became a little nervous about what she saw . He had fallen asleep , but it was obviously not a restful sleep . Suddenly he saw him wave his hands and arms in front of him , as though he were fending off someone . Then the whimpers and the moaning began . Scully decided she needed to pull over , so she could wake him out of this latest dream of horrors . " Mulder , " she said while gently tapping his shoulder . " Mulder , wake up , it 's just a dream . " Mulder 's eyes shot open . It appeared as if he looked straight through Scully . Just as quickly , however , Mulder regained his sensibilities and immediately groped for the passenger door handle . " Shit , Mulder , if you 're planning on being sick , please don 't do it in the car . Please ! " All the while she pleaded with Mulder to control himself , she was outside and running to open his passenger door to help him out . " Scully , I feel sick . " Mulder was out of the car , retching , and throwing up whatever remnants of this morning 's breakfast . He ended up on his hands and knees on the side of the road . Scully moved over to him , and watched as he continued to heave and vomit . She knelt down behind him and wrapped her right arm around his chest to support him , while she braced his forehead with her left hand . He continue vomiting and gagging for a few more minutes . The dry heaving became painful for Mulder , and he whimpered quietly in between breaths . After a while , Scully felt him begin to relax a bit in her arms as he leaned back on his rear and then practically laid back on Scully 's lap . Her knees were numb , so she finally sat down on the ground behind him positioning his back and head so he was laying on her lap in a relatively comfortable manner . She never let go of him ; she continued to hold him , while gently wiping his face with a tissue . He continued to breathe hard . He reached for Scully 's arm , and held on to her tightly . She held onto him that much tighter , bringing her chin down to touch the top of his head . She then , without thinking , gently kissed the top of his head . She pulled her head up suddenly when she realized what she had done , though she didn 't really understand why she was so uncomfortable with what she did . She was only offering him comfort , that 's all . Really , it was just some comfort . " That one must have been a humdinger , Mulder , " she said evenly . Mulder smiled at that . " Humdinger , Scully ? " He almost started chuckling , except his throat was very sore as a result of the vomiting and dry heaving . " Ahab used to use that expression with us kids , " she said affectionately . She closed her eyes for a moment , reflecting on the fact that she was able to remember her own father with such joy and love in her heart , while when Mulder thought of his father , he puked his guts up . Something was definitely wrong here . " Not now . Probably later . It 's been kind of a reoccurring one , so I 'll probably have to deal with it again tonight . So , I 'll tell you about it later … . maybe … . , " he replied . He squeezed her arm gently as a way of letting her know it wasn 't anything personal . He just didn 't want to deal with the negative thoughts right now . It was now going on four o ' clock . She realized the idea of food would now be out of the question because of Mulder 's sensitive stomach , but she also knew she would be hungry soon , as would Mulder . They would pick up something at the next rest area . He was already moving toward the driver 's side of the car when Scully shot him a look that told him he 'd better not even think of trying it . He meekly took the hint and got back in the passenger side . " We 've got about a hundred miles to go on I - 84 , Mulder . When we get to I - 90 , I 'll let you take over , okay ? " she asked , hoping to placate his somewhat bruised ego . " In my black meds bag , Mulder . Let me just pull it out of the trunk , okay ? She found some Tylenol with Codeine which with Mulder 's sensitivity to medication , could conceivably knock him out for the rest of the trip . Which wouldn 't be a bad thing . Fox had come home from the hospital the night before , but you would have never known it from the silence that permeated throughout the house . Though he was no longer in a catatonic state , he remained mute for those first several hours at home . Not because he couldn 't talk . Not because he didn 't want to talk . It was because no one spoke to him . No one came near him . No one came to be with him . He was left alone . Fox 's mother was fast becoming best friends with a small medicine bottle filled with small pink pills . A very dainty , feminine drug . A good companion . One that would never ask her to deal with more of life than she was ready to handle . Fox 's father and his best friend , Jack Daniels , remained inseparable . Bill Mulder kept the bottle within five feet of him during the entire time he was at the Vineyard . And neither parent so much as stepped into the boy 's bedroom to check on him . Neither parent asked him if he was hungry or thirsty or tired or hurting or sad or angry . Neither parent cared to see if Fox Mulder was coping with the abduction of his little sister . Neither parent cared to deal with him . Neither parent cared about him . That evening he came downstairs to the kitchen when he thought everyone else was either asleep or not home . Fox knew his mother and father couldn 't stand the sight of him . He knew they blamed him for Sam 's disappearance , and that was okay with him . He blamed himself too . The weight of the world became heavier and heavier to bare for young Fox . " What do you want ? " the gruff voice asked in the darkness . It was the first time since he was home that anyone had actually addressed a question towards him . He didn 't know if he would be able to find his voice to answer . " I 'm hungry . " His voice was raspy from disuse . Fox hoped it wouldn 't annoy him too much , but apparently it did . Bill Mulder chose that very moment to express his annoyance by rapping his son in the mouth with the back of his hand . Fox immediately brought his fingers up to his mouth and felt the blood . Bill Mulder surveyed the damage , finished his drink , and got up to leave the kitchen . He looked at the boy and told him , " Wash your face . " Fox went to the sink and rinsed the blood off his mouth . His lip stung a little , but he 'd felt worse . Next , he opened the refrigerator to find something to eat . Obviously , food was no longer a priority in the Mulder household . He saw a couple of slices of old American cheese with the edges turned hard and dark . There was no milk , no orange juice and no fruit . He found the jar of jelly on the door . He opened the freezer to find a half a loaf of bread . He took out two slices and put them in the toaster . He filled a glass up with water and ice , spread some jelly on the toasted bread , and proceeded to eat at the counter . Dinner at the Mulder household was a lonely time for Fox Mulder . They paid the last of the tolls on Interstate 84 and reached Interstate 90 at about 6 : 00 p . m . The rush hour traffic was having an impact on how far they progressed to Boston . Also , Scully 's stomach was starting to rumble , as the granola bars they had picked up from the vending machines at the last toll area just did not satisfy her . " Mulder , do you think you could handle some dinner . The traffic 's going to be a little heavy for a while longer , and I 'm getting really hungry . " " Mulder , I just did . " She sounded a tad exasperated . " Don 't go traveling on some guilt trip because I 'm hungry , okay ? We 've got far enough to drive without you taking any detours , " she said seriously , but with the hint of a smile on her lips . " Okay , " he replied . " I guess I 'm feeling a little hungry too , since I used up my reserves a while back . " " Good , so let 's find a diner , eat , and then you can drive the rest of the way since you 're a little more familiar with the area than I am . Deal ? " They kept driving until they saw a sign for Food and got off the exit . They found the small diner easily , parked the car , and entered the nondescript eatery . The young waitress led them to a booth and left them with a couple of menus . Scully looked at him and wondered just how far from the truth that was . He slept in the car after she gave him the Tylenol , but he would only take one instead of the normally prescribed two . Since he was tall , the potency would be that much less than it would be for someone , say of Scully 's stature . They had eaten pretty much in silence . Scully ate her sandwich hungrily , while Mulder picked at the eggs and toast . He was thirsty , as a result of being dehydrated from the earlier incident , so he drank the ice water eagerly . After freshening up in the rest rooms , the partners climbed back into their car . This time Mulder was in the driver 's seat , while Scully took the navigator 's side . They drove back to the highway and continued for another hour till they got to the entrance to Interstate 93 . " We 're practically there , Scully . Actually , we made pretty good time , considering we made a few stops . " By the time they actually arrived in Boston proper , it was a little before eight o ' clock . The partners were tired and desperately in need of stretching their limbs out after the almost nine hour trip . They found a Comfort Inn and went to check in . Scully went in to do the honors . She considered the fact that this trip was on their own time and therefore was their own expense . " I 'd like a double room for the night please . " " Do you want two doubles or two queens ? " After only a moment 's thought , " Two queens , please . " Scully handed over her credit card , signed them in , and got the key cards . She returned to Mulder , who was waiting in the car , and told him to drive over to room 137 . Mulder parked the car in front of the room , and popped the trunk . He removed the luggage and dropped Scully 's bags in front of the door marked 137 . " Where 's my room , Scully ? " She looked a little uncomfortable , but decided that it really was the most practical way of approaching things , so she nonchalantly said , " Right here . I decided we 'd save some money , since this bill 's not being picked up by Uncle Sam , so I thought we would share a room . You don 't mind , do you Mulder ? " Mulder 's mouth gaped as he stared back at her . " Scully ? " he asked , " Are you sure about this ? I mean , you know how little I sleep . I 'm afraid I might disturb you . " " Mulder , it 's because I know how little you sleep that I figured this might make the most sense . You , yourself , said you 've been having a reoccurring nightmare . I don 't want to be too far from you tonight , just in case you need me , you know , my medical expertise . " Scully felt herself blushing . * Need __ her __ indeed , * she thought . * He needs a family who 's not so damned dysfunctional , that 's what he needs . * Mulder felt himself blushing . * __ Need __ her indeed , * he thought . * I 've needed her for so long , but now I want her even more . * " Okay , Scully , it 's your call . " He grabbed the bags while Scully opened the door . After Scully hung up their dress clothes in the closet for tomorrow 's service , and unpacked the few pieces of clothing from their small sports bags , she asked Mulder if he would like to go out for a walk . He appeared to hesitate at the invitation . " It 's a beautiful evening , and I really need to stretch out a little . C ' mon , I don 't want to walk in the dark alone . " She knew that last line would twist his arm . " With pleasure , m ' lady . " And he offered the crook of his arm , which she happily pushed her hand through . With the other hand she grabbed the key card and left . He remembered being surprised when he called and asked him to come to _ his _ home in West Tisbury . Mulder wasn 't feeling well himself at that point , and didn 't know if he was up to dealing with his father . He hadn 't gone to his home often and was reluctant to go there now , but when Bill Mulder phoned he sounded upset . And he told him there were things he needed to discuss with him . Things that needed to be told . Mulder watched as the door opened in front of him . When he saw his father standing before him , he saw a tired , defeated man . Mulder offered his hand to shake , but the older man reached towards him to embrace him . Mulder returned the hug in shock . He couldn 't remember the last time his father hugged him . He couldn 't remember the last time his father expressed any kind of affection for him . " Dad ? Dad , what 's wrong ? " The senior Mulder motioned him into the living room . He seemed worried and apparently wanted to discuss something . After a bit of small talk , Bill Mulder excused himself . " I have to take some medication , Fox . I 'll be right back . Then there are things I need to get off my chest . There are things you should know , Fox , " he said uneasily . He left to go to the bathroom , where he kept his medication . Mulder sat and fidgeted in the living room , waiting . BANG ! Scully felt him gasp for air . She felt him clutch her arm tighter , and she in turn , grasped him more firmly as well . " Mulder ? Are you all right ? " " Not at all , " he responded gratefully . Mulder realized Scully could have kept walking all the way to Quincy Market , but she was well aware that he was feeling drained and fatigued . When they returned to their room , Scully announced she was going to take a quick shower and change into her pajamas . " So , you want company , Scully ? " he asked teasingly . " I 'll let you know , don 't worry . " And with that , Scully grabbed her night clothes and went into the bathroom . About a half hour later , they traded places . When Mulder emerged from the bathroom with his hair wet from the shower , he saw Scully was already laying in the bed closest to the television . She was channel surfing with the best of them . Mulder 's incredulous look was wasted because Scully never took her eyes off of the screen . He watched her pat the bed as an invitation to join her , so he slowly walked toward the bed . " Scully ? " He wanted to make sure he wasn 't misinterpreting her actions . She scooted over to one side and pulled the bed sheet and cover up to allow him access . He crawled into the bed and sat stiffly by her . Scully smiled inwardly at his shyness , and decided she needed to let him know there was no pressure , no threat , nothing to fear . She inched her way to his side and laid close to his arm . " I think I 'm going to close my eyes , Mulder . Good night . " She relaxed her body as much as she could while laying next to him . She wanted him to know how much she cared about him and wanted to be there for him , but at the same time , she wanted to avoid pushing him into a situation neither of them might not be ready for . " Good night Scully . " He allowed himself to relax more and more as the minutes ticked away and Scully herself fell into a deeper sleep . As she slept , he felt her unwittingly nestle closer to him , until he had no choice but to raise his arm and pull her closer toward his chest . He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and breathed in the scent of her hair and her whole being . He felt her snuggle into his arm and chest , and he moved still closer to her as well . He actually felt relaxed . He felt sleepy , and decided it was time to rest . He left a wake - up call for six thirty a . m . and closed his eyes . He fell into a deep sleep within minutes . He was laying there , wondering if he would ever move again . His body felt as if it were frozen stiff . He felt cold . He felt so cold . He heard the voices all around him , but he couldn 't discern what they were saying . He recognized high pitched voices , women 's voices , but he couldn 't tell if one of them was his mother 's . He was sure he heard his father 's voice among the many different male voices that surrounded him . He knew it was his father , because it sounded angry . Why was he angry ? Fox laid so still , the anxious figures that hustled around him thought he might be dead . However , one of the men in the dark suits shouted out that he could see him breathing , and directed someone to get an ambulance to the site as quickly as possible . Fox opened his eyes . He could see unfamiliar faces milling about the room . He looked to the center of the room and saw the Stratego game laying on the floor where he and his sister were going to play a round of it . He noticed the television was on , but the sound was turned down so he wasn 't sure if The Magician was still on or not . He looked over to his left and saw his father 's handgun laying on the floor . Fox didn 't understand why it was on the floor . His father always kept it locked up in a box at the top of the closet . His father . Where was his father ? He heard his voice talking angrily with someone . Was he yelling at his mother ? Where was his mother ? Who was his father shouting at ? No , it sounded like another man was yelling back at his father . He shook his head slowly . He wanted to know why all these strangers in dark suits and ties were in his house . Even Amy was wearing a dark suit . He didn 't understand why everyone was so nervous . Fox stopped talking after that . The events of the evening came back in a torrent of memories . He saw the bright lights . He tried to get his father 's gun , but it fell out of his hand . He saw the strange , short , yet at the same time , elongated figures at the front door . He remembered watching Samantha as she was levitated toward the light in the window . He remembered hearing her scream for help , but he could only lay frozen , as if in suspended animation . Now , he could hear his father 's voice , along with some others he 'd known only as men from his father 's job . " What the hell did he see ? What the hell did he see ? " Bill Mulder screamed at the group of consortia members . " Bill , calm down . He probably won 't remember a thing . And if he does , you know that can be taken care of , " the man with the cigarettes responded as he placated him . " Damn it , Jack . It wasn 't supposed to happen like this , and you know it . How could they have taken her ? They were supposed to take him . You know they were supposed to have taken him . " Now he 's of no use to anyone . God damn it Jack ! Who screwed up here ? I want someone to own up to this , Jack . I want the person who fucked this up to admit it ! ! They were supposed to take him , God damn it . Him ! Not my daughter , him ! " Bill Mulder shouted . " Go take care of this Jack . I mean it , go get my daughter back , now ! " Bill Mulder dismissed him , and watched him go into the next room to use the telephone . He looked over and saw his wife , Elizabeth , looking on helplessly . " Get out of here , Elizabeth ! " he shouted . " Amy , give her something . Now ! " he ordered . The young woman went to a black medical bag and retrieved a hypodermic . She filled it with a heavy sedative and proceeded to easily lead the already dazed Mrs . Mulder into her bedroom . Bill Mulder looked around the room as the various members of the consortium picked up evidence to clean the area before the police and paramedics arrived . He was still seething about the screw up . He was becoming angrier and angrier by the minute . The others could tell he was close to exploding and kept their distance . The next thing Fox remembered was seeing his father hover over him . Bill Mulder 's face was screwed up in a grotesque grimace of anger . Suddenly , he began kicking the child as he laid on the floor . Fox felt the kicks in his back and his kidneys and his groin . Before anyone realized what the older Mulder was doing , Fox felt a kick in his face which caused the child to involuntarily yelp out in pain . " Shaddup you no , good , worthless piece of shit . They were supposed to take _ you _ ! You ! Not Samantha . They were never supposed to take my little girl . My little love . My beautiful little love . Damn you ! Damn you ! " he shouted over and over as he kicked his already bruised body over and over again . " It was you ! I wanted them to take you ! You , you little bastard , you ! ! You little bastard ! You ! " Bill Mulder screamed over and over . end of part 3 / 4 " No , nooo , nooo , please ! " Fox Mulder was crying out in his sleep , " I 'm not , nooo , I 'm not ! " Scully woke up with a start . It took her a moment or two to get her bearings , when she saw she was in bed with her partner . * Right , * she thought to herself . * I did this on purpose for just this reason , * she realized as she fended off one wildly thrashing arm after the other . " Mulder , Mulder , shhhh . It 's okay , it 's just a dream . Wake up , Fox . It 's just a dream , " she repeated over and over , all the while patting his back in an effort to soothe him . Some time past and Mulder calmed down enough that he sat with his knees up to his chin and his arms wrapped around his legs . He rocked himself slightly , but continually . Scully wasn 't all that positive he was fully awake yet , but at least he was no longer in the throes of whatever nightmare was causing him to panic . " Mulder , can you hear me ? " she asked softly . " Mulder , please , if you can hear me , you 've got to answer me . " Mulder continued to rock back and forth , hugging himself for comfort . " Please , Fox . You 're scaring me . Please show me that you 're still here with me , " she pleaded while she caressed his arm . At the sound of his first name , he turned to look at her quizzically . " You called me Fox . " " It got your attention , didn 't it ? " she replied softly , as she gently began rubbing his back . " I know you didn 't . I just want to make sure you 're okay , that 's all , " she replied . After a few moments , while still rubbing his back , she stated , " That was the humdinger , wasn 't it ? " Fox stopped rocking and turned his head towards her . He nodded his head and then propped his head down on the top of his knees . Scully sat up on her knees in an effort to position herself as close to him as possible . " Tell me about it , Mulder . " " I can 't , " he whispered . " You have to . You have to get this out , Mulder . It 's eating you up inside . Please . Tell me what the dream was about . " She moved to embrace him , and though he stiffened up at her touch , she continued to hold him , no matter how much he thought he didn 't deserve it . " I think I 'm remembering something . I don 't think it 's so much a nightmare , as more of a real memory . " Scully nodded in acknowledgment . Mulder continued . " Every time I 've dreamt this , I 've seen a little more and heard a little more . It 's from the night Sam was taken . " He paused and took some deep breaths . This was the part that was so difficult for him to accept . " Oh God Scully , it wasn 't supposed to be her . It was me ! It was always supposed to be me . He never wanted me . Never . He never wanted me , " he sobbed . Mulder leaned into Scully to seek her warmth and comfort . She , in turn , embraced him in a tight hug . " I 'm so sorry , Mulder . I 'm so sorry . " She held onto him tightly , whispering in his ear . " Scully , " he cried , " he said I was a bastard . He kept saying he never wanted me . I don 't think I was his . I don 't think I was his son . " " It 's okay , Mulder . It doesn 't matter anymore . He 's gone , Mulder . He 's dead and gone , and tomorrow we 're going to finally lay him to rest . " " Oh Mulder , it was never you . Don 't ever think it was you . It was him . He was the one who couldn 't deal with life 's glitches . He was the one who never had the love to give . You were never unlovable , Fox Mulder . Never . " In fact , you are one of the most lovable people I 've ever known , " she concluded . " But don 't you see ? That 's __ her __ problem . It was never your problem . You know how to love . You do , Fox Mulder . You are one of the most loving , lovable people I know . You are , and if I have to remind you for the rest of our lives I will . " " __ Not now , Mulder . We 're both tired , and we need to get up in a few hours to go to the cemetery . We have a lifetime to deal with all of this , with us . Right now , I want us to both go back to sleep . " " I 'm too tired to argue . " He slid back down under the covers , and Scully sidled up next to him . He wrapped both of his arms around her and gently kissed the top of her head . " Good night , Mulder , " she said sweetly . When they arrived at the cemetery , they stopped at the main office . He asked for directions to plot number 41385WM . After he got the directions , he asked if there was a rabbi available to perform a short service . Mulder was told by the clerk there was indeed someone available for a small fee , but since it was the Sabbath , no money could be exchanged between he and the Rabbi . So the fee needed to be left at this office and designated for the appropriate Rabbi to be picked up after sundown . Mulder wrote the check for the nominal sum . When Scully looked curiously at him as he wrote the amount in as eighteen dollars , he explained that eighteen is a significant number in Jewish life . It represents " chai " which translates to " life . " Prior to seeing the site , Mulder hadn 't given a thought as to how he would react to seeing his father 's grave . He hadn 't thought he would care one way or the other . In fact as they slowly walked towards the plot , Mulder finally began confessing to Scully how ambivalent he was really feeling . " You know , it 's almost funny in a way . I always feel so damned guilty about everything . Even today , Scully , I feel guilty . " " Well , " he began , " I don 't think I feel anything for this man . I mean I hardly knew him . Sure , I knew him well enough for my face to connect with his fist every now and then , but I didn 't really know him . I didn 't know who his favorite sports team were , hell I didn 't even know if he liked baseball , or basketball , or any of the things I liked . He was in essence a complete stranger to me . Shit , Scully I didn 't even know what he did for a living , other than the fact that he worked for the State Department . " But the strange thing is I don 't feel guilty for not knowing him . And that my dear Dr . Scully is the rub . I feel guilty for _ not _ feeling guilty ! Talk about shooting myself in the foot , eh Scully ? ! " he laughed ironically . Scully smiled at him , and realized just how nervous he was about all of this . They walked a bit further when Mulder pointed to the left and said , " There it is . " They passed by about four or five other graves and came to a stop in front of William Mulder 's grave site . The tombstone was indeed covered up . When the Rabbi appeared he introduced himself as Rabbi Aaronson . He was an older man of about seventy years of age , but he was still a tall , big man . Mulder graciously shook his hand as did Scully . He first observed them both and then looked directly at Mulder and said simply , " I take it __ you __ are the relative of the deceased ? " " Red hair give it away ? " Scully asked , slightly annoyed . " I try to be my dear , I try to be . " Mulder smiled at the double meaning behind the Rabbi 's response . He thanked him for performing the service . " Well it is , of course , but it has roots in the practical too . You would find that most of the Judaic customs have a more pragmatic origin . " The mourning period is officially one year . Jewish law requires that we erect a tombstone for the deceased so he or she is not forgotten during or after the mourning period . " Of course there 's another reason . Graves that had tombstones were less likely desecrated . " So nu ? Let 's begin . The rabbi took out a simple , black yalmulkah , similar to the skull cap he wore on his own head , and handed it to Mulder . He put it on without protest . Next , the rabbi pulled out an old , tattered prayer book . He recited the prayers in Hebrew , but then kindly offered a quick English translation so both Mulder and Scully would get the gist of the meaning . Next , Rabbi Aaronson told them they would say the Mourner 's Kaddish . Ironically , he said , the prayer does not mention death . It 's more of an affirmation of life for the living . He went on to explain it was similar to the act of sitting shiva after the death of a loved one . Unlike a wake where the focus is on memorializing the deceased , sitting shiva allows the focus to be on the family and loved ones left to deal with the death . " Did you have the opportunity to sit shiva for your father , Mr . Mulder ? " he asked gently . He began to recite the Mourner 's Kaddish . " Yit - gadal v ' yit - kadash sh ' mey raba , b ' alma di v ' ra hirutey , vyam - lih mal - hutey b ' ha - yey - hon uv ' yomey - hon uv ' ha - yey d ' hol beyt yisrael ba - agala u - vizman kariv , v ' imru amen . Scully observed in fascination , as she watched and listened to Mulder recite the words right along with the rabbi . It was as if all of the years he ignored his religious faith were erased away . Suddenly , Mulder looked like he could have actually belonged to someone or something . The next set of words , Mulder recited by himself . " Y ' hey sh ' mey raba m ' varah l ' alam ul ' almey alma - ya . " Rabbi Aaronson translated those last words for Scully . " It means ' May His great name be praised to all eternity . " Scully listened as the rabbi finished the rest of the prayer by himself , though she heard Mulder join him on the " amens . " At the conclusion of the prayer , Mulder was then directed to pull off the covering to unveil William Mulder 's headstone . " Good luck you two . Maybe you 'll think about converting ? " he said smiling while looking at Scully . But then , after stealing a glance at Mulder , he added , " And then maybe , just maybe , you could help him return to the fold . He looks like he could use someone to believe in . " Scully nodded in agreement and thanked the Rabbi for his time . She shook his hand and then watched him as he went to bid his farewell to Mulder . The Rabbi placed his hands on both of Mulder 's shoulders . " It is time , my boy , to let go of the past and move on to the future . And it looks to me young man , like your future is only a few feet away from you . Just do me a favor , okay ? Ask her to at least consider converting , okay ? " Mulder smiled slightly at that request . Scully looked on from a few feet away to give him some distance and privacy . She wasn 't sure how he was going to handle this , now that the reality of his father 's death was unveiled before him . Mulder stood silently looking at the headstone . It was a very simple stone , which only stated his name , dates of birth and death , and that he was a loving father . * A loving father , * he thought . Well , it was true for one of his children . He really was loving toward Sammy . She could do practically no wrong , whereas he could do absolutely no right . " Well Dad , I guess this is it , " he stated aloud directly at the headstone . " You 've finally committed the ultimate selfish act , you know . You had to go and die on me without telling me about you , and Mom , and why you treated me the way you did . " You had to go and die on me before you could tell me about Sam , and why they took her and not me . Yeah Dad , I know you knew the whole story behind it . I _ know _ you knew it and I figured you were going to tell me about it that night one year ago , weren 't you ? But you had to go and die on me , didn 't you ? " I hate you for that , Dad . I really hate you for that . " I hate for all the times you hurt me , for the times you hurt me a little and for the times you hurt me a lot . I hate you for all the times you made Mom look the other way when you raised a hand to me . " I hate you for that Dad . But most of all , I hate you for not loving me back , cause , Daddy , I loved you in spite of it . I loved you Daddy , and all I wanted was for you to love me back . I just wanted you to love me back . Daddy , oh Daddy … " Mulder dropped to his knees and began sobbing uncontrollably at this point . Scully rushed to kneel by him and embraced him as he allowed himself to be held and comforted by her . " Cry for him . I promised myself I wouldn 't cry for him . I feel like an idiot , I mean the man couldn 't stand the sight of me , and here I am blubbering like a fool over him . " " Oh Mulder , you 're right . It would be foolish to cry for him . He doesn 't deserve your tears , but don 't you understand ? You 're not crying for _ him _ , Mulder . You 're crying for you , and that 's perfectly all right . In fact , it 's damned necessary . " Mulder looked back at her with a puzzled look , as if he were trying to process everything she just said and correlate it to see if it , indeed , really applied to him . " But Scully __ , " he began . " __ Don 't ' but Scully ' me , Fox Mulder ! " she interrupted . " You haven 't allowed yourself the chance to grieve yet , and I 'm not talking about grieving the death of your father . I 'm talking about grieving over the death of what could have been , what __ should __ have been your childhood . " I 'm talking about allowing yourself to grieve for what __ you __ lost , Mulder . Remember what the Rabbi said before ? The act of sitting shiva is to give the living the chance to come to terms with the loss , it 's not to immortalize the dead . It 's time for you to sit shiva , Mulder , " she concluded . " Well , I guess it 's time for us both to begin sharing things with one another , isn 't it , " she responded softly . " Yeah . It is . Dana , I 'm ready to leave now . I 'm ready to go home and get on with my life . I still need to search for the truth , but I don 't need to dredge up the past to find it . Not any more , " he concluded . He stood up and then extended both of his hands to help Dana up to her feet . She looked at him with wide eyes , as she realized that he was calling her Dana . She didn 't think he was even aware of this , and wondered if it was as significant as she _ thought _ it was , as she _ hoped _ it was . She steadied herself and brushed the loose , grassy turf from her skirt . She looked up at him and watched as he reached for her hand . She clasped his and intertwined her fingers around his long , slender ones . They started the journey home , together . |
of experiences I have had , and I can 't find anything similar . Until today , that is . The story that I saw was profoundly true to me , and it has provoked me to come out of my shell and post . I know that I am opening myself up to all sorts of things by taking this step , but I have carried things with me all my life , and only shared them with those closest to me . I once tried to reach out to some other people , a long time ago , and I regretted it . This will be my last try , though something feels terribly sad in saying that . My experiences did not change my life . They actually made me who I am , because they started when I was very young , around 8 or 9 . I am now 46 . I am many trials in life . I have no proof , no pictures , though I could maybe draw some if I feel comfortable in that . All I have to offer are my experiences , and you can take step as I post this very message . I admit I am scared , for a host of reasons . I know the things I am about to post are real , and I always felt that I was not supposed to talk about it . I am scared for the people that have been in my house , looking for things . I don 't ever wish them to come back . I am scared of the dark , I work at television , something . I will do my best to answer any questions , and I hope that questions can help me remember some things . Talking with my husband many years ago helped me so much , just to have somone to tell about it . The first experiences I remember were what I thought were dreams . I would wake from sleep in the middle of the night and go outside on the back deck . remember things . The one impression that has lasted with me all my life and to this day is feeling like I had the weight of the world on me . I sometimes laugh at the thought , but it is oh so serious a feeling I had , being physically weighted down with things I didn 't understand . One very vivid memory I have , I don 't recall my age , but I think around 9 or 10 years old . I was someplace , in a room , it was round . All around me down , and a - man . . I say man , he wasn 't , but I refer to him as a he , I called him in my mind , " Doctor " - was standing to my right . The lights about me were bright . He was speaking to me , but I didn 't hear him , I felt him . He had something in his hand , and he placed it in mine , a small box of some type . He was telling me something very important , but I have never been able to remember what . All I can remember really , was being watching , walking back and forth , milling around , but I never saw them in any detail . I was very focused on him , the Doctor . He seemed very important , it was just an overwhelming feeling I had in this place . I only remember him wearing white , even like a doctors coat . When Ray Santilli 's film " Alien Autopsy " came out , the first time I saw those still posted on Oct , 7 2009 @ 06 : 17 PM link continued . . . I have very strong and inexplicable feelings of fondness , deep feelings , for him . This has never changed . Around when I was 15 , I left home with my parents ' blessing . I was almost 16 , and I could not tolerate living in the household I was in , so I left . I lived in the streets . I met a young man , he was 19 at the time , and he let me come to live with him . We were together for almost a year , and it was one of the most horrible times in my life . However , during this time , were also two of the most powerful experiences in my life . The third one I will post about later . The first one happened when we lived in a cottage . The cottage was on the land of his parents who 's home was also on the property . It was a huge plot of land with orange groves , and was in Land O Lakes Florida . The lake was called Lake Thomas . One night , we had decided to go fishing . We thought we may catch some catfish and perhaps some brim to cook up the next day . It was about 10 : 30 pm . We were sitting on the dock over the water when I noticed it was very still and calm . This man was sitting with me , to my right , right next to me . I got up into the sky behind us , I could see him in my peripheral vision doing the exact same thing . There was no sound , just a huge . . inexplicably close . . object hovering above and behind us . At almost the exact moment we laid eyes upon it , it shot off out in front of us , out over the lake and beyond - in mere instants . The glimpses I got , I will also remember the rest of my life . I remember off . It went up as it went out and across , and I am a horrible judge of distance . Just suffice to say , this is a smallish lake , but the horizon stretches on . After we watched it disappear , we sat in silence for a while , not speaking or even hardly moving . I didn 't look at him , but I said , " I didn 't see anything , did you ? " To this day , I still don 't understand that . . . I felt suddenly tired and asked if he was ready to go in and he agreed . When we got to the cottage which was just a short walk up the path , I saw the alarm clock next to the bed . It was 2 : 30 am . I just slept . We never spoke of it again . Moving ahead a few months , we were living in a hotel room in Tampa . It was late , an I was tired . I lay down on the bed and he was beside me , to my right . The television was on , and the light was on . I just remembered wishing I could die . My life was very bad at this time , I won 't go into detail now , but I am being honest about how I felt . I don 't even remember closing my eyes , but the next thing I knew , I was outside the hotel on the sidewalk . I could feel air , almost like a breezy sidewalk . I was very aware of presences with me , presences I could not see , but I sensed . It was gloomy , even darker , and cold and lonely though I was not alone . I started walking down the sidewalk , away from the hotel , where to , I have no idea . There were two young men on the sidewalk walking towards me , talking . This was when I first realized something was not normal . more . . . Libertygal posted on Oct , 7 2009 @ 06 : 41 PM link continued . . . As they approached me , I expected them to split from each other to pass by me , as I was right in between them . instead , they walked . . through me ? I and sort of glanced at my direction , but he never stopped walking . Shortly after he started back in the conversation and kept going . That was when I started looking around , and down . My feet were not on the ground . I looked up and out to the left , and saw nothing but blackness , the lights and traffic were intense , but somehow not where I was , as if I was looking into the world from someplace else . I looked back at the hotel room door , and realized , I was still in there . I felt panic , and fear . The next thing I know , I was being slapped in the face , and I opened my eyes and was back in the hotel room . I could hear him , he was scared , yelling my name , and slapping me in the face . When I opened my eyes , I took a deep gasping breath . I was filled with sadness , as I realized at that moment , I didn 't die . He told me I had stopped breathing , and it scared him . I just always thought of this as an out of body experience . Looking back on that event , I think I got a taste of what there was for me in that point in my life , and it wasn 't pleasant . I almost chose it , physical body there . Where I was , though , was not a happy place . I am glad that for whatever reason , whatever the cause , I was able to go back . I eventually left him , and made some changes for the better in my life , and met my first husband . We were married , and decided to start our family very early . I was 18 when we married on Valentine 's Day , and I got pregnant in October that year . Moving ahead a bit brings me to a time I can only describe was a dream . I really hate calling it that because to me , it was so very real . I call it a dream with resentment , but only for lack of anything else to call it , perhaps even an unwillingness . At this point in our life , we were living in his parents home , but a seperate attached apartment behind the main house in Georgia . The apartment was house was joined by a bridge from a back door on the top . I had two children at this point , they were about two and three years old . The rooms in the house were almost deisgned in a circle around a main wall . bedroom . As I tell about the next incident , all of the layout of this house is very important . I always left my sons ' door cracked open a bit when I put him to bed . In his room was an exterior steel door and a large very thick 6 foot long glass window right by the interior door to our bedroom . I had hung was a normal opening type window in our bedroom . The main exterior door was just outside our bedroom door that led to the living room . It was a heavy solid wooden door , and the only window in the living room on that wall had a window air conditioning unit in it . We had a night like any oher night , nothing unusual . I had put the kids to bed at their normal time , and some time later that night my husband and I posted on Oct , 7 2009 @ 07 : 00 PM link continued . . . That night , I lay in the bed reading . I got that feeling again . . that something was . . watching ? I don 't know , it is hard to explain . I just got out of the bed quickly , ( it was a full motion waterbed , too ) and went to my son 's room . My heart was pounding , and I was full of fear . I felt like something was trying to get him . I cannot explain where those feelings came from . It all happened what seemed very fast to me . The next thing I knew , I had stepped to the window , as if I was drawn there , and I pulled the curtains back with my right hand . My nose was almost touching the glass . I looked down , out of instinct I guess ? And right into the blackest eyes I have ever seen . I felt repulsion and pure evil , disgust , and terror . The purest fear I have ever felt in my life . The being was almost pure white , even seemingly glowing white , with these pitch black eyes , large but not " gray alien like " at all . It was a he , I sneering smile on his face . That was what repulsed me so intensely . I felt hatred from him . And just . . evil . He . . was about 4 feet tall , and his hair was sparese , and pure white . He seemed to have a bluish cast to the whiteness of his skin , but thinking back may have just been the color of how things look at night . I sensed he had on deep blue clothing , though . I say sensed , because almost as soon as my something was about to happen . All I could think was to save my son 's life , because I knew - I felt , they were coming for him . I walked back into our bedroom after I glanced at my soundly sleeping child . I remember pushing hard on the waterbed and screaming at my husband , " Wake up ! Wake up ! " , yet , he did not . Suddenly , the front door flew open , and demons . . . I can call them nothing else , filled my home . They were even smaller than the being that I had seen outside , but I could sense that they were with him , even obeying him . And they were coming to attack ME . They came , teeth gnashing , claws bared , and I fought them . As one leapt at me , I caught it under the throuat in midair , and brought its back down onto my knee , snapping its back . I heard yowls of pain , snarling , growling , rushing , screaming . . was it mine ? I broke bones , kicked them , snapped jaws open backwards , each one I stopped from coming any further into my bedroom . throwing it back out into the living room or towards the door . Some lay there in pain , yowling , some were dead , some skittered back out the door . This went on for what felt like an eternity , though I have no realistic timing of this event . I can only explain that I felt like I was fighting not only for my life , but the life of my son . Outside the still open door , I could see shadows , other beings moving about as if cleaning up the bodies . I took the remaining ones and threw them out the door , then slammed it and locked it . It was locked before ! I don 't know how I knew , but I knew I had won . . somehow , I knew they would not come back in . I went back into our bedroom and leapt onto the waterbed , screaming my husbands name , violently shaking him and could not wake him still . I collapsed on the bed , trembling and weeping , crying gutteral cries , and finally he stirred and rolled over , and asked me what was wrong . I told him what had happened , and he told me it was just a bad dream , to go back to sleep . So that was how I left it . A bad dream , as I cried myself to sleep . I slept deep and hard , I was exhausted . I pushed the incident back , and convinced myself this was a horrible dream , though to this day , I still have no other explanation . . more . . . Libertygal posted on Oct , 7 2009 @ 07 : 17 PM link continued . . So , moving ahead about two weeks from that wretched dream . It was anormal day , and things had returned to normal . My husband and I had spoken about his toys . The television waws on in the living room , and I think my daughter was in her room at that moment . There came a knock at the front door , and I still remember my little boy looking up at me as I walked to open the door . I opened the door , and there were men standing there . They had on suits and ties . . and said they were with the FBI . As they stated this , they pushed their way into my living room . outside . I looked up and could see my in - laws in their kithen sitting at the kitchen bar , there were men with them too , and they were looking at me . I saw absolutely no expression on their faces . The men , as they came into my home , stated they had a search warrant , though nothing was shown to me . I was so caught off guard , and I had nothing to hide , so I wasn 't scared . I was more . . dumbfounded as to why they felt the need to search my home ? So , I asked . They said they were looking for stoeln property . Again , I was dumbfounded . one came into the living room . Three split off from him , one going to the kitchen behind me , and the other two in our bedroom and then my son 's room . My daughter had come to stand by me to see what was going on . I cold hear them in the bedroom , opening the closets , asking me questions every time he saw me start to look around . I moved to the phone and lifted the receiver to call my husband . The man in the kitchen took the phone from my hand and hung it up , and said , " You are not allowed to make a phone call right now . " I just stood there feeling helpless as my son was sitting on the floor next to that man . His little mouth was hanging open as he just watched . My house , and I said no . I was still dumbfounded . Again , I wasn 't scared , just really confused . Very shortly thereafter , they all filed out the door . The man said thank you as he left . I looked back across at my in laws , who were now alone on the kitchen , staring right back at me . The door shut , and I picked up my son and went into his room . . . to THAT window . I pulled the curtain back , and saw just . . . confused . I quickly went back to the livingroom and telephoned my husband at work and told him what happened . I then called my in laws and asked them . They said the same thing , that they were FBI and were looking for stolen property . They didn 't seem to question it , but I was quite uneasy as time went by . I posted on Oct , 7 2009 @ 07 : 36 PM link continued . . I am shaking a little as I wrote that , because that is one of the fears I had about posting . I have no idea who really reads these forums , but I have always been so terribly afraid to tell this to anyone for fear they may come back if I spoke about that night . Yet and still , it 's one of those hings that haunts you . You have to get it out some time , and cannot help but search for answers . My life now , has been spent with trying to discover similar events , similar sightings , just something that could make me feel not so alone in this . I am now married to my second husban for 19 years . Twice we hve experienced something together . once , before we moved into our home where we now live , we were driving past the Atlanta International Airport one night . The kids were about 6 and 7 or so . We decided to go down to Airport Road and pull off and watch the planes come in to land . We had pulled off , and it was very quiet and a nice still night . We waited for a while and saw a couple planes come in , then there was a lag where nothing happened a while . It was getting late and we were about to leave when all of a sudden , above us , there was this loud rushing sound . We all . . big . . flew over us . nothing more , nothing less . After we moved into our home , we had dinner on the back deck one night . We had taken the dishes in and gone back out to sit and star gaze a while , and chat . We were sitting in the dark when a light shot from the southern sky , directly over our house . it dipped down right over us , then bounced back up and shot northward beyond the roof of the house . We all gasped and pointed at it , we all saw it , and it left just as quickly as it came , spanning miles in instants . This brings me to recently . The children are grown and moved out , we live alone here . I work at night , and my husband works in the day . He has been having something happen at night . He is sensing presences in the bedroom , but is unable to move . He has felt the blankets move , as though something was on the bed with him . Again , he is unable to move , and sometimes cannot even open his eyes . He is not one to be afraid of the dark , so he enough to tell me about it , but has written it off as sleep paralysis . Me , not so much . He seems to have no problem going back to sleep , and hardly even remembering it the next day . Sometimes , he doesn 't even remember until something triggers it a few days later . People say that when things happen to them , it changes their life . I have had things happen all my life , so nothing was really life changing for me right in Denmark . Nothing has happened to me for a long time , not since the light on the back deck . My husband seems only mildly concerned about events he has spoken to seriously as I can stress . People that are looking , be sure you really want to find , because I don 't think some divine being was coming to rescue me . . or us . I look forward to your thoughts and replies , and even your questions . pale5218 posted on Oct , 7 2009 @ 07 : 56 PM link Thank you for your kind reply , it was very nice to get such a nice reponse as my first . I will take that as encouraging . oneclickaway posted on Oct , 7 2009 @ 08 : 17 PM link I second Pale 's response . I have no experience of this with which to make you feel validated or comforted and not so alone with it . But I think it was fascinating to read , and very brave of you to write all that . I am sure there will be people who know exactly what you speak of . And if that even believe it if it did . How ironic , no ? To simply reach out to one person , and let them know they are not alone , would go a long ways towards making this all somehow seem worth it . sticky posted on Oct , 7 2009 @ 08 : 44 PM link reply to post by Libertygal Awesome story , and you are a decent writer . It kept my ADD in check . I don 't have any input for you , nor can I validate such an expereince . I have had a few ghost experiences , but after much recent research , I too " dream but not really a dream " quality to them . From what you decribed the things that stick out for me are : * The FBI cannot search yoru house without a warrant . If they were looking for stolen property they should have shown you a warrant . Also unless you right about that situation . . . * Being attacked in your bedroom . . . I dunno if it 's the same kind of thing , but I 've had several " experiences " where it seems like , SOMEONE , is running senarios on me . Like , I 'll be put in a situation , sometimes it makes sense , sometimes not . ( Like catching fish with my hands or dead relatives running me through gauntlet type tests . ) It feels like these things are tests to see what I 'll do if I 'm presented in different situations . Occasionally they repeat depending on what I do chasing me . In any case , thanks for telling your story . i know it 's scary to " talk " about that sort of thing as the paranoia involved is very high . ( Feeling time this all started , my family had a friend come to visit us quite frequently . His name is Kreskin , also known as " The Amazing Kreskin " . It isn 't Google and reminiscing some . What I am considering now is , he is a very well known , and excellent hypnotist . He used to come over rather often and hypnotize our family members for fun and games . I watched him hypnotize my mother more times than I can count , and I am wondering now . . . maybe he hypnotized me too . Just . . . wow . hypnotize her to make her go do the dishes ! " I remember him doing some hypnotism stuff , telling me to go do the dishes with a good attitude and to whistle while you work ! I humored them , and had had been hypnotized , I thought it was pretty crazy . I think I was 8 when this happened . I am kind of speechless ATM . The ramifications in all aspects of this are astounding ! I could think this out in any number of tangents , and some of them * quite * conspiratorially . That makes me a bit nervous . I went to see a hypnotist once , to relive the UFO thing from Florida , but he couldn 't hypnotize me . I just never really trusted hypnotists . Good luck with yours , I hope to hear back to see how it goes . Meanwhile , I need to think about contacting Kreskin . Hm . Or if I even should or not . I feel a bit wierd right now >.< As for asking for the search warrant , that was on me , I didn 't ask to see it and it wasn 't offered . As I said in my post , I was pretty dumbfounded , and had absolutely nothing to hide . It was rather odd in retrospect that I pretty much just stood there and let it all happen . I was a bit offended when he wouldn 't let me call my husband , but I shrugged it off thinking I would just wait till they left . It is the retrospect of it all that makes the skin crawl , and honestly what makes the whole thing seem so creepy . It wasn 't so creepy as it was Kreskin just now . Now I just need to think lol . Thanks for your reply ! P . S . Just while thinking and writing this reply , I think I shall send him an email . blujay posted on Oct , 9 2009 @ 08 : 59 PM link I don 't have answers either , but I wish you the best . If it ends up not being the hypnotist , you may want to start meditating if you don 't already . You can ask for answers , and you will get them . The weird thing I 've read about , is that experiencers and abductees have agreed prior to incarnation to take part in these ' happenings . ' Reasoning posted on Mar , 6 2011 @ 10 : 08 PM link I , as well , haven 't experienced things this dramatic although , I believe you . Firstly , I have no reason not to believe you . Secondly , some of my own another " SIDS " statistic ? See , that 's the whole thing . I am not even sure that I even fell asleep . I cannot work out in my mind how , if I was dreaming , I very astutely remember that I layed down and started to cry . I know that part was * not * a dream . I can only suppose I could have been sleepwalking during the dream . ETA : I was actually crying the whole time , weeping even . I should say I did not relax and actually get under the covers until he had woken and assured hips and body up and down on the waterbed to stir him . When I gave up and more or less collapsed beside him , is when he finally woke . I do remember just quietly crying myself to sleep . I had this unnerving feeling that I was not supposed to be " awake " when this was happening , that somehow , I was not to be aware . I became more alert to this after the fact , as it happened so quickly , and was so intense . The FBI ( MIB ? ) visit really intensified the feeling that I had done something * really * wrong , unexpected even . That it was not supposed to happen the real or a dream . Perhaps that is why I was not considered a threat . That was probably the one of the more intense things that ran through my mind when I looked out the window into those eyes aside from outright fear . I also felt repulsed and disgusted . Repulsed in a huge way . He was not surprised to see me , it was almost like he had been waiting for it . For me . My immediate response was fight or flight , and I fought . I have speculated on the possibilities of that night , what if . . . I always stopped short of really coming up with any answers . I just knew they were " after him " in some way . To either take him , possess him , do something to him . I knew it wasn 't good , and that in fact , the whole thing was very evil . Felt very evil . Oddly enough , most people do not usually equate aliens with satanic things , or vice - versa . They are usually considered to be seperate discussions , but there was clearly evident to me on that night , a direct link . I never considered he might die , though . How odd is that ? But I did sense an extremely deep sense of loss , of losing him , in some form . It was my and when it was all over , that was exactly how I felt . As though I had fought for his life , and maybe even my own . I guess now , in retrospect , I didn 't allow the thought of him possibly dying even enter my mind . I simply was not going to allow it to happen . I think of it off and on , sometimes talk to my husband about it , and then forget it until something brings it up again . He just asked me a few days ago if I thought it was over . No , I told him , I don 't think it is over yet . That is what scares me the most . Not just this event , but all of it , the unusual things . My husband is still having rather odd experiences himself , which really just started in the past year or so . One he related to me just last week was moment when he woke and became aware , I sat straight up on the couch and yelled his name out in a panicked voice . He came into the living room , I do remember that , but he didn 't speak of the event at that time . He was more worried something was wrong with me , but name . I do not recall if I had made it clear in my previous posts , but my current husband my second husband . He did not experience these events or the " dream " . Also , as an update , the hypnotist I sent the email to did not ever respond back . Either he doesn 't read that email , or he doesn 't remember my family . probably has met hundreds of thousands of people , so that was a dead end . I still feel there is possibly some odd correlation to his coming into our lives , and the time line when I started to experience things . edit on 7 - 3 - 2011 by Libertygal because : clarification Libertygal posted on Mar , 7 2011 @ 12 : 16 AM link reply to post by Gizawski Thank you for the thoughtful reply . In fact , I would like to hear . new topics This content community relies on user - generated content from our member contributors . The opinions of our members are not those of site ownership who maintains strict editorial agnosticism and simply provides a collaborative venue for free expression . All content copyright 2017 , The Above Network , LLC . |
I could not write this . But I could say this . I dictated it and a friend , a good friend , for who else would do such a thing , typed it while I talked . He also made what edits and proofs were needed . He did this to save me the pain of a careful reading . Thanks , Craig . I do not say this is what happened . What is here is truth but may not be fact . It is what I remember from two days that are hard to remember . I have added things as I recall them . Still , maybe I got something wrong . Maybe I got something backward . Maybe I made a mistake . Maybe someone will be mad . Maybe they 'll get over it . Maybe they won 't . My brother called me that Thursday and told me my mother was in the hospital , or that she was going into the hospital , I actually don 't quite remember which one . I said I would try to get down the next week or so , and he said he thought it was important I get down there in the next day and so . I left the next morning . My mother had Parkinson 's Disease , had it for about fifteen years . For the last two years she 'd had trouble speaking , and she seemed more and more trapped . She had brain surgery , which really didn 't work for much more than two or three weeks at a time . I think she hadn 't walked in probably a good year . So I called my daughter and asked Sef if I could stay with overnight at her place . She was living in Deerfield Beach and my mother was in the hospital in Coral Springs , about twenty minutes away . I also asked if she would meet me at the hospital . And she said of course she would . So I drive down and I got there around 11 , and Sef met me outside the hospital . And we walk in together . I think we met my brother on the way up to the room , or perhaps outside the room . Apparently my mother was not able to swallow anymore . I hadn 't seen her in , I think , about two months . I had called from time to time , but because she was unable to speak , she would try to speak on the phone but end up crying , so I alternately thought I should just call and not have her talk , or I should not call so as to not make her cry . So I probably didn 't call her as often as I might have . I certainly didn 't call her as often as I wanted to , because the crying was hard for both of us . She was such a dynamic person , it was harder to hear her not be able to speak than it was to see her not able to move . So we went in to see her . My father had called the night before my brother did , and he said she had not been eating , and I forget what else he said , but he was considering taking her to the hospital . I suggested he take her right away - from his description she needed to be there - but he was wondering , vacillating . I believe it was my brother who finally convinced him to get her to the hospital . Went in . She really looked very " shell - ish , " nearly unable to move , unable to eat because she couldn 't swallow . I went in , gave her a hug , Sef gave her a hug , I did my best to not cry and I didn 't . My father , of course , takes me outside immediately to talk to me " in secret " - he was always telling secrets , always took me aside to whisper things - " Your mother 's not doing well , you 're mother 's not this or that , " as if my father still thought she was 40 and playing croquet , as if it were to be a surprise to him that she 's sick . When he 'd call and say she 's not getting better , I 'd say , " What did you expect , this is what happens with Parkinson 's . " I think he was trying to hold on to her , but I found it frustrating . He would whisper it because he didn 't want her to hear . So I sat with her , held her hand , Sef was on the other side , held her hand , talked to her . She made a few sounds here and there , she could move her eyes a little bit . Apparently a Swallow Test had been ordered - I 'm not sure what the logistics of a Swallow Test are , I really don 't need to know - but they came and got her , wheeled her down , and before they wheeled her back up , I spoke with the nurse and asked what the plan was , what the possibilities were . If the Swallow Test came out well , she would be able to eat . If the test did not come out well , she would be unable to eat , and the only way she would be able to receive nutrition would be through a tube going through her side and into her stomach . But the Parkinson 's medications can only be administered orally . So it means the Parkinson 's would get worse and worse . So even that was not the best option . If she didn 't get the tube , she also wouldn 't get the medication . So IV feeding would be useless . My brother 's wife , Amy , worked at the hospital as a pharmacist , so anything needing clarification were made clear , She explained that the Swallow Test indicated she couldn 't swallow . That even ice chips would very easily be aspirated . She was wheeled back into the room , put back in the bed , and my father pulls the nurse outside and around the corner - and by then a friend arrived , this guy I didn 't know - and my father asks the nurse the results of her test . I thanked her , and we walked back into the room . The nurse addressed my mother directly . She told her that the Swallow Test indicated she was unable to swallow , would aspirate anything she tried to eat , was at risk for choking , that the Parkinson 's meds can only be given orally , had to be digested , so the only possibility was a PEG tube . And that was the only option . And my father says , " No . " At that point my father and my brother get into an argument about why there is no Living Will . I don 't remember if it was me or my brother who asked him , " Did it never occur to you that this day would ever come ? " My father was crying . Denial . This was no time to have an argument about why ; the fact remained that they never discussed what she had wanted . And I 'm watching my mother , and I think it was at that point that she realized she was going to die , that all the days she had left could now be counted on the fingers of one hand , and that was it . I saw her realization that she was about to die . And she just started to cry . And she just cried for quite a while . And people held her hand , and hugged her . I , on the other hand , went up to her , and said , " I don 't know why they 're telling you everything 's going to be all right . You know and I know what the truth is . You 'll be fine , but you won 't be here . Everybody loves you . You did good . Rest . " And I kissed her on the forehead . She stopped crying , and a few minutes later she closed her eyes and fell asleep . My father had brought in a CD player , and he was playing Johnny Cash , Nat King Cole , John Denver . I think her hearing was perfect . No TV , just music the entire time . The nurse had left at some point to go get the social worker to have her come up and talk about her options . It was a small room . I guess there were four of us in the room , Amy would pop up from time to time , so five . And directly above her , not four feet above her head , a bank of fluorescent lights on the wall , and fluorescent lights on the ceiling above , and bells were dinging and people calling on the loudspeaker . It was not at all a restful room . So the social worker comes up and we go down the hall to talk - my mother was still sleeping and we needed out of the room for a while . I had Sef come with us because I actually depend on her sometimes to have a clear head when I don 't . The social worker wants to talk to us about hospice , which I think is a great idea , and the sooner the better . She couldn 't stay at the hospice in the hospital , because you can only stay there for three days , and starving to death can take up to two weeks . My father keeps saying he can 't afford hospice . The social workers keeps saying Medicare would take care of it . " My insurance won 't take care it . " " Medicare will take care of it completely , " back and forth . She told him of Hospice by the Sea , which I have heard over and over is the best care anyone could ever want . He wants to see it first . He think it 's going to be dingy , old . I asked my father , " What are your choices ? Look at your choices . She can 't stay her more than three days . You cannot bring her home . This is her only choice . If you like it when you see it , if you don 't like it when you see it , if it 's a palace or a dungeon , this is your only choice . Why are you putting it off ? " And so arrangements were made to bring her to Hospice by the Sea that evening . It was a Friday evening . So he wants to go there first to see what it was like . I look at the social worker and said , " Let 's get her ready to go , we 'll get the papers signed , we 'll go to Hospice by the Sea first and be there when she arrives . " I ask my father if that works for him , and it does . In moments here and there , my daughter keeps asking me , " What did he think was going to happen ? What did he think his other choices were ? " In the meantime , she had called in to take off work for the evening . She told them she thought she might have to take off the next day or two . She could not afford to do this , but she did it anyway . We get there and the place is absolutely gorgeous . It 's quiet , she has a large room , could have had a party in her room . This is the idea behind the design - everyone can come to be with the person who 's dying . We open up the doors in front of the room , and everything is built around this garden with beautiful tropical foliage . I know at some point we ate , don 't remember when , don 't remember what . My mother gets there around 11 : 00 at night , and they bring her in to the room . My father asks for a cot , and they bring him a rollaway bed so he can sleep right next to her , and he goes to find the nurse in charge . And he is beginning to panic . I don 't want to say he 's not rational , but he 's walking around nearly hand - wringing : " I can 't let her starve , I can 't do this to her , I can 't watch her starve , I can 't starve her to death ! " There wasn 't much that we could do to calm him down . The nurse explained that she couldn 't eat anything , and she also wouldn 't be able to drink anything . You can go twenty - one days or longer without food , but you can 't go that long without water , and they expected her go to within seven to ten days . I asked about IV fluids . She explained that she couldn 't do that , because as you die , your body doesn 't process fluids properly , and that means no fluids . My father is crying , as you might expect ; I 'm not handling this well either , but I 'm the one who has to . When my maternal grandmother died , despite the fact that my father and she hated one another , he fell apart , and I had to handle everything . Despite the fact that my second child had just been born , and I was out of work , evicted , and had moved back to south Florida to look for work , instead I had to handle funeral arrangements . My family doesn 't handle this death business very well . We talk to the nurse , and we decided they would settle down for the night , go to sleep , and we would be back in the morning . Just before we leave my mother starts making noises like she 's hungry . This just makes my father more upset . And none of us knows what to do ; there is absolutely nothing we can do about it . My father is asking if there 's some way we can feed her . The nurse tells him that they can try feeding her - if she wants . But the likelihood is that she will choke . And their recommendation is that would not be the best thing . Let her go to sleep , let her rest . I 'm not going to be able to sleep anyway , so I decide to talk to my mother , me on the couch in my daughter 's apartment , my mother in her room in the hospice . About two weeks prior I had gotten a copy of The Tibetan Book of the Dead , and had started memorizing it . I had no reason to do this ; I don 't like memorizing things . And so I decided to recite the first paragraph to my mother , first as it was written , and then departing from it , paraphrasing : O nobly - born , that which is called death hath now come . Thou art departing from this world , but thou art not the only one ; death cometh to all . Do not cling , in fondness and weakness , to this life . Even though thou clingest out of weakness , thou hast not the power to remain here … . Be not attached to this world . O nobly - born , what which is death has come to you . You are leaving this world . Do not hold on . Let go . Rest . O nobly - born , death is coming to you . You are leaving this world . Rest . I kept saying it again and again and again to my mother . And then I said to her , " Please don 't do this to Daddy . You know he can 't handle this . He can 't watch you starve to death . Please just rest , and don 't do this to him . " At some point I fell asleep saying this . And then I hear a phone ring . It 's my daughter 's cell phone . And know what the call is . Sef comes out of the bedroom , walks over to me and says , " Dad , Grandma died . " I was curious why my father called my daughter instead of me . He insists he called me , but Adam and Sef are nowhere close on his cellphone address list . It was five minutes before six . We got up , got dressed , not slowly but not quickly - we were both exhausted and feeling a little spacey . Sef drove to Hospice by the Sea , we stopped on the way for coffee at a Dunkin Donuts , we needed something - protein , milk , something , because Lord knows when we 'd be eating again . Five minutes later were were at the hospice . My brother was already there . My father was by my mother . He was standing over her saying , " I only left her for a half hour . " He was beside himself - he had gone home for some clothes and some food . And I saw my mother . And the first thing that occurred to me is that she looked like a dried fish . There was nothing there . Empty . Gone . My father kept stroking her forehead , kissing her forehead , telling her , " It 's going to be all right , it 's going to be all right , this is not how it was supposed to go , we were supposed to go together , " on and on and on , telling her she was beautiful , telling her she would going to be all right . I imagine he was telling himself that , but I really don 't think he believed it . We - my brother , daughter and I - went to speak to the nurse . She told us that she really didn 't understand it . A few minutes after my father left , my mother started aspirating liquid , that her body had stopped processing fluids completely . The nurse said she couldn 't suction out her mouth fast enough , and that her heart congested and she simply died . She kept suctioning out her mouth to make her as comfortable as she could , and it took about fifteen minutes . She died about five minutes before my father got back . The nurse said she had never seen someone in this state go so quickly ; it should have taken at least three days , minimum , probably five to seven . She really did not understand . I know we had to get my father to eat ; I 'm not sure where we went or what we did . I think my brother took my father out while we waited with the body . My daughter and I waited because someone had to be there with the body until someone came to claim her , and that way we could give each other periodic breaks . Good thing we stopped to get her coffee ; that had been my daughter 's idea , and she 's always right . The funeral home arrived for the body around 9 : 30 in the morning , a very large man in a suit . I was supposed to make sure she was going to the right funeral home - my father was worried - so he could get the right dress to her ; I was supposed to give the man a ring that he could put on her finger . So he 's wrapping her up , in the shroud first , and up to this point I have not cried . As soon as he put the cloth over her face , that was it : I started crying . He puts her in the body bag , and wheels her out . I went and thanked everyone at the hospice . They told me they were worried about my father , and wanted to make sure he was getting care . I said I rather doubted that he would . He had spent fifteen years taking care of her . There were times when we were not sure whether he was doing a good job or not , but how were we to know , and what could we do ? We tried making him get respite care , but he said he couldn 't afford it , yet he never checked with Medicare . We tried getting him support care for himself , but he wouldn 't ' do it . At the hospital we were told that my mother was in wonderful shape . They rarely see people at her stage so well taken care of , and the job he did taking care of her was , in the nurse 's words , " heroic . " But I seriously doubt that he 'd get any care for himself at this point . My daughter insists we go back to the apartment , shower , eat breakfast . She takes me to Flakowitz of Boyton , a rather famous deli and restaurant . It 's crowded , a Saturday morning , she says the place is good . I fret about not being able to find food that 's good for me . She tells me , " Eat what you want , your mother just died ! " As I eat , it dawns on me . I am a motherless child . I say this out loud . Sef nods . I say , " This will take some getting used to . I wonder how long . " " It 's only been a few hours , " she says . She wishes she knew her grandmother when she was able . She became sick when she was ten . She didn 't know her when she hiked , rode bikes , prospected for precious stones played croquette , gardened , pained , did woodwork . When Sef knew her , she was barely still able to crochet . I think we were meeting with the rabbi around 1 at the Funeral Home of Lantana , about 20 minutes north of there . It was Shabbos , which means my mother could not be buried that day . It 's Jewish tradition to bury the dead within 24 hours unless it 's Shabbos , in which case it 's two days . At some point that morning I called my wife , Lee , and let her know . She had known my mother for about thirty years , so it was more than just her mother - in - law having died . She said she would throw some clothing in a bag for me , something appropriate for a funeral , and she would rent a car and come down , and she 'd be there sometime that afternoon . We had only one car at that point . We all met with the rabbi , and I instantly liked this fellow . He wanted us to write down things about my mother , things he should mention , things her friends would know , things he should know ; he wanted us to treat him as though he would have been her friend . He made sure he pronounced her name properly , what she would want to be called , what she would want people to know . Then there was the matter of planning the funeral day . It was Saturday , the funeral would have to be Monday . In Jewish tradition , someone has to sit with the body continually until it is buried and say prayers over it , and that 's a paid position , a shomer . We 'd have to pay a shomer to sit for two days . I ask the rabbi how much that would be . He gave us the figure . I ask him how much time - and - a - half for gravediggers would be . There was a ten - dollar difference in cost , about $ 250 more one way or the other . So I suggested we simply ask the gravediggers to come in and work some overtime , and spare some old Jew who didn 't know my mother from sitting with her and saying prayers over her . So that was settled . We met my wife and my son Alek at the Ft . Lauderdale airport where the car had to be turned in , and we went to get a hotel room . I wanted an inexpensive hotel room ; my wife wanted a nice one . We ended up at Embassy Suites . Why ? " Because , " my wife said . " Because your mother just died ! " That week my father - in law went into the hospital for a cardiac catheterization . I think that was it . But he was surprisingly blocked , especially considering the excellent care he takes of himself including his diet . He ended up in surgery and was , understandably unsettled . Lee needed to see him . It was bad timing , to be sure , but it was what it was . I could not stand to be by myself so I went to Pembroke Pines with my wife and kids to see my in - laws . My mother - in law hugged me , asked if I was ok , did her best to be kind . I was exhausted and sat . My father - in - law wanted to talk and did so . He talked to me for nearly three hours straight . I dozed , woke , nodded , listened , dozed . He talked as though nothing different had happened to me today . As though today , for me , was nothing of note , was any other day . We left . Lee commented on how good I was . I would normally have brushed the comment aside . Not this time . Yes . I was . Better than could be expected . Better than was reasonable . Above and beyond . Lee squeezed my hand and we headed back to Deerfield Beach . That evening , we ate dinner - the whole family was together - and I watched how differently people handled the obviously empty space . There was an empty seat next to my father . I thought it needed to be empty for a while ; my brother wanted me to move over and fill it . We sat there for a long time ; I don 't remember what we talked about . I feel crooked . I feel unbalanced . Like one shoulder has a weight the other does not . Like one ear is sensing movement differently than the other . A part of me that has been around for 45 years , that my brain has developed knowing was there , is suddenly gone . It does not feel right . The world does not feel right . It is lopsided . I no longer have two parents . I have one . Something is missing . I wonder how long this will last . Back to the hotel room . Lee drags me down to the pool and the hot tub . We walk on the beach for a while , then go to the hot tub . A blazered gentleman came over and said the hot tub is closed , it 's past midnight . She tells him he really needs to sit in the hot tub tonight . He says , " But the rules say the hot tub closes at 11 . " She tells him my mother just died . He said , " Stay as long as you want . " At some point she also got two gin and tonics down me , which is one - and - a - half more than I usually drink . The funeral was set for 11 . I had called my oldest friend , Carol , to let her know . She knows me since I 'm 13 or 14 ; she insisted on coming to the funeral . I don 't remember who else I called . The next morning I 'm getting dressed . I pull out the pants and they are not mine . Apparently my wife brought a pair of her black pants , a drawstring number , pleated , which looked very nice - on her . It 's Sunday morning ; my father wears a size 42 , so nothing he has will fit me ; my brother is six feet tall , nothing of his will fit me . Lee 's pants do fit . So I wear the cute little drawstring number . I pull out the shirt . It is a black silk shirt . I figure if I wear this shirt , I will melt off at least half a dozen pounds before the funeral is over . I go to put on the shoes . They are my seventeen - year - old son 's skater shoes . But they fit me . So I am not quite dressed in the manner one would generally assume a son should dress for a funeral . We headed to the funeral , which was held at the cemetery . We start at the chapel . This is the same cemetery where my father 's mother is buried . The couples are buried one on top of each other . There are four spots , each for a couple , so it 's a two - story underground concrete sealed horror . The caskets are lowered , then a concrete slab is lowered on top of that , then the marble lowered on top of that . Originally my father and my mother were supposed to be next to his mother and father , but my mother insisted she wanted to be at the other end of the grave " condos . " Those who have read " Funeral , Expurgated " will understand why . People start arriving . Some are crying , many are in wheelchairs . They were very involved in Americans with Disabilities Act activities . I don 't remember a lot about the funeral except that I felt terribly self - conscious about what I was wearing . Carol found me and hugged me , and we went off and talked for a while , she and myself and Lee . At some point my father went to the casket , and opened it up to look at her . He asked me if I wanted to . I said I didn 't think I could . Then we were told it was time to take our seats . My father , brother , and I were in the first row ; Carol sat behind me ; Lee , Sef , and Alek sat behind her . It was a bit of a wait , maybe five minutes , for the funeral to start . I leaned back and said to Carol , " These pants are chafing a bit , but I look so cute in them ! Leave it to me to get into my wife 's pants at my mother 's funeral ! " She starts laughing . A few other people laughed . A few people did not find it funny . I 'm sure , however , that my mother would have , and I was fine with that . Carol knew the rabbi , said he was a perfect choice , and indeed he was . He did a wonderful job , though I don 't remember any of the details . You would think he had known her . He was splendid . The rabbi asked if anyone would like to speak . I raised my hand . Later my brother would tell me , " I knew you wouldn 't be able to not speak , " and I said , " I knew you wouldn 't be able to , so I figured I would . " I told everyone that I had learned my sense of morals from her , and if that 's all she 'd ever taught me , it would have been enough . I said that the last thing I had told my mother was that everyone loved her , that she did good , and that it was time to rest . I don 't think I spoke for more than a minute . We moved out to the graveside . I immediately went to the casket to help roll it to the grave . " You don 't have to , " I was told . But of course I did . I literally buried my grandmother ; I would certainly have done the same thing for my mother , if I could have . The least I could do was help push the casket out to the grave . One of the four graveworkers stands aside so I can help roll the casket out . Even the grave workers are dressed better than I am . It 's a long walk from the chapel to the grave , and it 's August 30 in south Florida in a treeless cemetery . I am wearing a black silk shirt , black linen pants , black suede shoes , and it 's a loooooong walk to the grave . I don 't remember what was said at graveside ; I know that Kaddish was said . I know that other prayers were said . There was a canopy with some chairs set for people ; I stood by the grave the entire time . I 'm glad I had the best all day walking shoes - or my toes would 've gone totally numb after that superlong hike . And then the funeral was over . The casket was ready to be lowered into the grave , which is done by machine ( this is not how most Jewish funeral go ) , and I had my hand on the casket as far down as I could - I 'd have preferred lowering it ropes myself , but that wasn 't available ; I think we definitely lose something by having all this stuff mechanized . We were given little plastic baggies of dirt , about the size of two ketchup packets , to throw on to the casket . I wanted a shovel and a pile of dirt , and what I got were tiny baggies . I wanted to bury her and all I could throw in was a teaspoon of dirt , so I grabbed all that I could find - it didn 't matter if anyone else had any . We were then told that it was time to leave , because it was time to bring in the backhoe to load in the concrete that would be lowered halfway down the condo so it would be covering my mother 's casket . The canopy had to go . The plywood on which the seats sat had to be moved so the backhoe wouldn 't eat up the grass . And I told them : " No . " Very matter of fact . No . I was going to help , until it was completely sealed . I told the rabbi , " I don 't get a shovel , I don 't get any dirt , but I 'm going to damn well see this thing sealed . " He said he understood . The first piece of concrete had a bolt hole in each corner . Large eyes were screwed into each , chains attached to those , the four chains attached to a hook on the backhoe . It was picked up moved , positioned , lowered . And I stood there , a little too close for safety , until I could catch the last glimpse of the coffin as the slab covered it . Then one of the workers had to jump in and unscrew the bolts and take the chains off . Lee wisely kept me from doing that ; I was very bothered by someone I didn 't know jumping into my mother 's grave , silly me . Then came the second concrete slab to cover the top half of the two - story grave . Same process . I helped unscrew the bolts and take off the chains , since this was just below ground level and I could reach it . Then the same process for the marble grave top . It 's positioned into place with my hand on it . I helped take off the chains , unscrew the eyes . And then the workers come over with a bolt and a large brass washer , and that is screwed on , attaching it to the concrete grave box . He said , " I would hand you the bolts and hand you the wrench and say , " There you go . ' " And he did . And I screwed my mother 's grave closed . That afternoon we - family , extended family , friends - went back to my brother 's house . Amy had gone ahead , picked up platters of sandwiches and desserts . And we talked . I changed into normal clothes that were actually mine . I met the son of my mother 's oldest friend . My father 's brother came down . I sat with Amy and said that I would prefer that we manage to get together under circumstances other than this from time to time , that it would be nice . We were there about two hours before we left . Everyone needed rest . Lee and I and the kids headed to Carol 's house . She had made us macaroni and cheese , and other assorted things we shouldn 't eat , and we sat and talked . I needed that comfort after this weekend . Next to Lee , she 's the person I 've known the longest . Sometime around 6 we left and drove home , less than a two - hour drive . I drove there with a mother . I drive home without one . The dates had been set for a trip for Lee and I to New York City . A drive up with the remainder of my daughter 's boxes , sixteen of them in varying sizes and weights , two portfolios , two pictures carefully wrapped in blankets , one tool set and a two by six by eight inch stone signed by fellow students from the inaugural class at The America Hebrew Academy in Greensboro , NC . The dates were changed from later in the month to earlier - her work schedule changed and , always overprotective , she worried about us traipsing around NYC by ourselves . On our end , work became heavy and , heading into summer , we were reticent to tell patients they could not have appointments . It had been months since we 'd seen her . Too long for me . But , in the end , though I missed her enough to bother her by phone nearly every day , it seemed a trip destined for difficulty . I felt we were pushing it somehow - the fast drive up and back , the shuffling of patients , the challenge in accommodations as she had , as yet , no couch or blow - up bed and I was not looking forward to arriving in NYC and immediately dropping a few hundred on a sleeper sofa . Lee suggested Alek go along instead . We made the plans but , at the last minute , he felt it was a bad idea . Not just for him , but for anyone . In the end , it seemed he was right and we canceled . But I still needed a day or two away and Lee suggested Gainesville . I had shied away from Gainesville . But , now settled into a home I like , visiting the place I considered my home for so long no longer seemed melancholy and bittersweet . I could go to my favorite gardens , walk the trails , climb the sinkhole , sit downtown , stay up late at my favorite coffeehouse , spend the afternoon at museums . And I can get from here to there well before a single MP3 disk runs out . Jessica is a sweet kid . A smart kid . We have made it a point to include her in the household whenever we can . She 'll watch TV with us , have dinner with us , go out with us . We want her to feel welcome and to know that she is . This is no chore - she 's fun to have around . A week ago , Alek took her to South Florida to visit my father and brother , my in - laws . She learned quite a bit about the family and , yet , she stayed . So why not take her to Gainesville and show her some old haunts and tell her some odd stories . Let her see where Alek was born , where we lived , learn a bit about his parents . Besides , Alek is quiet , Jessica talks . She and I will sing in the car while he sits . When we go out , he is worried about which one of us will embarrass him more . In short , it 's fun to have her along and it makes Alek happy . So why not ? The day was set . We leave Thursday . An easy trip . One night there . Gardens , sinkholes , museums , flea markets , thrift stores , retro clothing , coffeehouses . Maybe I 'll look up some people I know . Maybe not . I post a status message on Facebook . " Anything musical , festival , artful , eventful , funful or playful going on in Gainesville this Thursday of Friday ? " I should have known not to , I did know not to , and I did it anyway . Wednesday night I got this reply as a message on Facebook . It is from Tori , a friend of fourteen years . Tori thinks it is longer and I don 't tell her any different . The subject was " The Wild Young Zikr , Poetry Jam and Potluck " I had gotten an invitation to this a month or so back but , since it was in Gainesville and I am in Palm Bay , three hours away , I said no . That and the fact it was a potluck which means there will be food and people which means eating food and talking to people . Actually , that was the only reason I said no . People who know me , who spend time with me , come to understand that somehow , often somewhat uncomfortably , often somewhat frequently , they are in for new experiences . Tori , later , Victoria , later Murshida , always Tori to me , is like that as well . Having seen the comfort - stretching , learning and experiencing my friends tend to endure when around me , I knew what I had to do . Why did I not use the word no ? I walked right into it . I said " My dear Dear , It is a party . That means I will be struck with near paralyzing fear , cold with sweat , and wanting to crawl into any hole I can . Then I 'll cling to anyone I actually know and then worry about having done that . How 's THAT for a confession and knowing myself ? " I added , " Besides , I won 't have been able to have cooked anything . " There . That would be that . Done . Over . Crisis averted . After all , I promised no more forcing myself into social situations . I didn 't need them , didn 't like them , didn 't want them . And I can lie to myself as well as the next guy . On the occasions I have needed a psychotherapist , and I assure you I have and do , I have not seen one . Why ? Pack of idiots . Pulling out their tricks and counting on their common logic . I know their tricks and can out - logic them half asleep . Too smart for my own good , I am told , I have never found them to be effective . In psychotherapy , a good therapist has to get past your mind , past tricks and leave you with no place to go but in the direction of discovery , experience and growth , of finding or leaving . Tori is a psychotherapist . I should have known better . I should have just said no . Come at 8 : 30 to eat and for Zikr - helping clean the dishes as your contribution to the meal will help manage your social anxiety between the eating and the invocation - bring a couple of dark chocolate bars to add to dessert - you can break them up and arrange them on a plate once you get here - another activity to manage social anxiety … did I tell you I was almost paralyzed by this for years … covered it up because I am an actor . It sucks . My heart to you ! I love you . During the height of the Moorish Empire when our ancestors lived in the Iberian Peninsula enjoying what is sometimes referred to as The Golden Age of the Jews , there were seven generations of Jewish Sufi Sheiks . And you , my dear , area Dervish to the core . So … if you don 't come I won 't be insulted for a moment , but what a thing to pass up … eh ? ! ! ! Damn . She did exactly what I would have done . The sidestep . She deflected my issues , piqued my curiosity , spoke to my longing and left me nowhere to go but discovery and experience and growth . She left me nowhere to go but her house on Thursday evening . Mind you , my newest poetry is not printed out so all I have is some older things . I mean , I have the new stuff on Internet access and on the computer , but not on paper . So if I read it might be something you have heard before . You know , if I 'm on stage , I 'm fine . If it is my job , I 'm great . But I have even stopped going to contra dances for fear I won 't get asked , or , if I ask , I 'll be turned down . I never am but I know , next time … next time … so I don 't go . I just stopped forcing myself . Why was I asking her that ? Was I actually going ? I asked the kids to see if they might say they 'd not want to go . I prodded . I suggested . Dress code is comfortable . Alek is welcome of course . Lots of young people . Not a place for performing actually . But what comes through comes through … you 'll see . Someone will be holding your hand most of the time and guiding you through … I promise that ! lol . ♥ VA ♥ I have not written much in the last two months . It 's not that I have nothing to write about . I am working on a revision of a book coming back into print , on a novel , on a series of vignettes , on promotional material for the office . I have things I could write about . Maybe too many . A friend joked the other day that my problem was I had so much to write about that I don 't know where to start . I said " I need assignments . Write about this event . Write that story . Even better , maybe someone will give me an adventure . Wouldn 't it be great if there was a something interesting I could go to , less than a day away , that I could write about . " Make sure you really want something before you ask for it . We pass the houses of people we know and decide to not stop in . Many we have made attempts to keep up with and most of the friendships fell apart from disuse as the distance and time grew . Some I email and some I call and from none do I get replies . That evening , I clean out my phonebook . We explore downtown a bit and stop in at Flashbacks , a retro consignment shop . We buy a dress for Jessica and some cool whacked - out multi - coloured skater shoes for me ( women 's size ten ) and a great , magnificent find - a plaidish wool fedora . Neither appear to have been worn at all . Ever . Divesting myself of fewer than twenty - five dollars and feeling well on the upper - side of the bargain , we set off for lunch . El Indio . It is not hard to find it and we have a great lunch of Mexican food under the trees on Gainesville 's main street , which is not Main Street , but 13th Street , US Highway 441 . From there we walk a block to Mother Earth and buy three bars of dark chocolate . Green & Black 's Organic 85 % Cocoa Dark Chocolate . There is a whole lot of tired going on . We head back to the West Side , near Archer Road , and look for a hotel . Classes let out for the summer a week ago and rooms are plentiful and inexpensive . We settle in , me in one room and Alek and Jessica in another . We will rest and , in an hour and a half , at quarter ' til seven , leave for Tori 's . The kids exit the passenger side . I left not quite enough room for me to get out and I step into the vines and loam , smoothing my way against the side , compressing myself over the hood . Down the road , up the short path , two steps up to the porch . " Adam ! " She rushes toward me , slams into me , hugs me . It takes me a moment to process the voice , now buried in my shoulder . Kat . Katey . " Katey ! " In her mid - twenties , tall and thin , other than a sporadic picture on - line , I have not seen her for nearly ten years . Long among my daughter 's best friends , even when distant . For years we saw her nearly every day . She takes my hand and brings me , around the people , inside . A small house . An adorable house . Different coloured walls , arches , stucco , sashes and prayer flags over doorways , devotional items on the walls , a fireplace to the left on the front outside wall as soon as one enters , and a table at the far end covered with food . A floor . The floor looks like people . Pillows and people . A sea of people between the front door and the table . A sea of people wearing shorts , t - shirts , sarongs , tank tops , less , more . I step around , over , through . Really , it is not that crowded , but I don 't look down . There are many people but I don 't look down as that is where they are , sitting . Katey tells me her mother is busy talking with someone and points to a door through which I assume Tori is . And she must go as well . " Wait a moment . " I reach into my backpack and hand her three large bars of the 85 % cacao chocolate . " For the desert table . " We stand . It must be a few minutes or maybe a few seconds . I look at Alek and say softly , " I 'm going to go outside where I 'll be less conspicuous . " I am not thinking about the fact that I am dressed in a button - down , albeit flowered , forest green shirt and dungarees which is as comfortable as I get when I don 't know the people . No , I am thinking about my mere presence and palpable , I am sure to everyone , discomfort . And from some part of the room I hear , " be less conspicuous ? " And so confirmed becomes my belief , my self - fulfilling prophecy , that people notice me , laugh at me , talk about me . I walk out the door again . Across the porch , down the steps , to the road and walk to the left , the right , one end , the other . Out comes Tori . Tall , bright , nearly buzzed white hair , dressed in white , flowing inside and out , she hugs me . And I do so adore her . Always have . And miss her . Always do . She senses the discomfort even as I melt . She tells me how good it is to see me . She takes my hand , leads me around , introduces me to people , tells them she knows me much longer than she does . I don 't argue . " Want to take a walk to the pond ? We have a dock that goes out into it . " It 's time to go back to the house . Time to eat . Back up the lane , inside . Tori walks to the table , gathers people around , points to the dishes and tells us what is what , what 's in it , who brought it . Time for a blessing and we all gather in a large circle squashed by the walls . Someone is missing . Tori 's mom . I 'll get her , says someone and leaves the room . A few moments later , her mom , thin and white , sitting in a chair , is slid into the room , chair legs across the tile floor . The last time I saw her mom she spoke . The last time I saw her mom , she walked . Last time I saw her mom … I want to go over and say hello . She smiles . People talk to her . I can 't . My lack . It has not been long since my mother died and it feels like that . Far too much like that . Far too soon . And immediately I feel badly for my inability to communicate with her , my desire to distance , the feeling , if I walk over , I will begin to cry and see my mother , again , cold , dry , dead . My last image of her and I can 't do that now . The blessing begins . Tori leads it , blessing the food , our gathering , that we have come together to share this meal , this love , this precious time together and our reaching out to one another in union , in expansiveness , in joy . That we all move toward the one and the one moves within us all , each a ripple or wave in a single expansive sea . And we eat . I wait , as always , not wanting to be seen eating , that someone might say , " he 's fat but he 's eating ? " knowing , as I do , I am the only one who begrudges me food . But I wait , regardless , until the line is down , ' til seconds have been had , ' til cleanup has commenced , ' til most are busy talking , or laughing , or walking in the warm night . I grab a plate and find the food is gone . This was my hope , of course . My son tried to get me to eat . I told him I would . But if the food is gone , what 's to be done ? There is half a slice of bread left , made by Tori , spelt and seeds and dense and delicious . There is a handful of cucumbers and a few fork - fulls of salad . I eat . Beside me is a conversation about massage therapy and sore legs . One woman has shin pain and wants to know how to stretch to alleviate it . It is a chance to help and I apologize , ask if I might make a suggestion , and , with leave , do . She is a massage therapist , not a student as I thought , and I think they might believe me to be egoistic . But it is information she did not have and seems happy for it . And I back out off the conversation before I have worn thin my welcome . I bring my plate into the kitchen and , among three other people , wash my dish . Then other dishes on the counter , then gather other things to wash , happy to have a chore - doing something that allows me to face away from others and with no expectation of socializing . When there are no more dishes to wash , I walk outside . The kids are sitting on a set of steps . Jessica is feeling uncomfortable . Her stomach hurts . She feels somewhat nauseous . Part of me wants her to want to leave and I will , of course , concede . part of me wants her to come in . We 've come this far , why not go all the way ? Tori comes over , crouches , speaks with her , assures her no one will ask her to do anything she feels unable to . She agrees to come in and give it a try . I am heartened . I am undone . My mind , my will , divided , opposed to itself , gets what it does and does not want . Then , we are called back into the living - room and asked to take seats upon the floor . There are pillows . I refuse one , knowing , within ten minutes , my legs will be asleep . People push in , Tori askes we get closer . " Smush . Smush . " My son to my right , Jessica beside him . To my left , a young lady who 's name I do not know . I do not know anyone 's name save my son , Jessica , Kat and Tori . She wears a green dress and sits on a pillow . Everyone has a pillow and she leans forward and grabs one of the few remaining , piled in the middle of the room , and insists I take it . She has a Spanish accent , South American . Argentina , I am nearly sure . I refuse the pillow . I refuse the kindness . " Smush Smush . " We do , I am pressed against Alek and he sits tightly . I try not to impose on his space . Ms . Argentina is pressed against me and I try to move to give her room , but there is no where to go . She sits cross legged and lets her legs fall to the sides , her right leg resting on my lap . I thank her for the excellent suggestion of the pillow , taking it from behind her and popping it under me . Newly elevated as I am , her leg still drapes over mine , resting on my thigh . I have no choice but to melt and breath . Tori lays a sheepskin down in front of the fireplace and sits . " This ( drawing a large circle in the air ) is Islam . This ( drawing a large circle slightly intersecting the other ) is Sufism . This little space where they come together is Islamic Sufism but the rest of this circle is Sufism too . A long time ago , Mohamed welcomed the mystics , persecuted elsewhere , into his protection . Everyone was welcomed . Muslims , Jews , all the mystics . And they sat on sheepskins , or ' sufs . ' So they were called Sufis . " Zikr . It means to remember , to praise , to celebrate , to devote . It is movement and a spiritual state . It is to occupy ones body and mind , simultaneously , with the act of devotion so there is no space , no thing within that is not involved in devotion , not filled with celebration , not engaged in remembering , not suffused with love . The entire being becomes a celebration of all that is within and without and , soon , cannot tell one from the other . All things are divine and nothing is not the ground of creation . Zikr . Dhikr . Daven . Sway , rock , recite , repeat , praise , sing , move , move move . There is further , but brief , explanation . Some chants will be in Aramaic , some in other languages , but all will be translated and all are here to bring us toward the one , toward unity , to ecstasy , out of our bodies and out of our minds to expansion past our skin - encapsulated egos , and into the ocean of being . We will be soaked , drenched in the one . We shall be drowned , encompassed without , filled within , by the love of all that is . " Allah hu . Hu Allah . " A name of the one and the universal sound , a breath . We chant . I was taught a similar chant by Rabbi Isenberg , now the Chairman of the Department of Religion at the University of Florida . We would breath , chanting fast , bowing our heads . " Sh ' ma Yis ' ra ' eil / Adonai Eloheinu / Adonai echad . " Three bows each time , one for each part . Fast , faster , breathless . Ten minutes , twenty minutes , half an hour . Shaya would gather the Jews of a mystical bent and the Muslims of a mystical bent and have evenings he called " Jufi Dancing " to prayers and songs and chants . The Dances of Universal Peace . On Sundays , often , we 'd play soccer , the Jews against the Muslims , no one keeping score . A name for oneness is a name for oneness . Yet , I have trouble as the chant takes hold around the circle . First I sing not at all , then quietly , barely moving my lips . Then , as time passes , the chant starts singing itself and I feel no choice . Words have meaning , rhythm and sound . Their power comes from the vibration of these three . But we don 't need to understand the words . Sometimes the words are lost . Sometimes we can 't pronounce them . The rhythm and sound are all that is needed as these impart their own meaning . A rabbi taught me , if I don 't know the words , hum . There is power in the tune , in the rhythm and sound . Some chants come and go . Some , though , have power in their tunes , power in their sounds . They last . " Allah Hu . " So I sing . And Tori begins to twirl . She spins and spins and spins in the little space there is within the circle . She bends down and grabs someone 's hands and they spin together . She lets go and that person grabs someone 's hand and they spin . We chant , we breath , they spin . With each choosing of a new partner , I wish simultaneously to be chosen and overlooked . We sing we sing we sing , they whirl , they whirl , they whirl . Faster and faster and then , as though by cue , we slow and breath and slow and slow and stop . We count off into ones and two . Hold hands . Ones turn to the left first , then right . Twos to the opposite . Say " I don 't exist . " Turn . " You exist . " Turn . " I don 't exist . " Turn . " You exist . " Again . Again . Look in the eyes . Repeat . Again and again Ms . Argentina and I look into each others ' eyes , tell each other " I don 't exist . " Alek and Jessica are doing the same . Alternately , I turn to Alek , tell him " You exist . " Back to Ms . Argentina . " I don 't exist . " People are snickering , some laughing , some looking down , some follow through , more and more , look around , smile , radiate , expand , glow . We rise and learn a song . Umbay alahay alahay alaho / Umbay alahay alahay alaho / ( Rise an octave . ) Umbay alahay alahay alaho / ( Drop and octave . ) Umbay alahay alaho . We sing . We sing . The circle breaks and the beginning of the line moves , sways , walks , dances . We become a snake , moving , swaying walking , around the house , into the kitchen , out the back door , into the yard , singing , walking , spiraling , singing , singing , faster , slower , louder , softer , tight , loose , drawn , compressed , expanded , pulling , pushing , singing singing singing . Passing eyes , looking , gazing , singing , the line doubles on itself , we face each other , it spirals again , we face away , it folds , circles , folds . We coil , coil , sound in our ears , singing all around and after an unknown time , we are all spiraled into a singing coil , tight , tight against each other , side by side , front and back , singing , pressing , pressing . Warmth and sound and naught else . There is nothing to do but sing and melt . I cannot tell where I end and the next person begins . How long have I been holding Ms . Argentina 's hand ? Alek 's hand ? I am pressed between them , against the person in front of me , the person behind me . Briefly , ever so , I take inventory . What is there ? Sound . But so much is missing . Anxiety . Worry . Boundaries . Me . We are quiet . It is time for a story . Tori starts it . We each add a bit then pass it on . I am two thirds of the way around and it falls in and out of continuity , the story of a lonely woman of the distant past . A woman who lives in the desert and wishes to see the ocean . My turn comes and I do my best to return the story to the realm from which it came , to address the original question , get the woman to the ocean and away from caves and talking cats and speeding cars and back to her home and time and desert and to help her find her ocean . I guess I 'm not anyone . I am surprised . It is a compliment , I know . And I take it gladly , finishing the story with the breath of the divine lifting the woman and her carpet to the clouds , to the sea . Everyone blows . Everyone blows . Our breath together is the divine breath . Our wish together is the divine wish . And together her wish is fulfilled . Together , may all our wishes be fulfilled . I don 't remember when I clipped it . It 's a column inch and extends just a quarter inch below the fold . It is cream now , not white , not yet yellow . Not brittle . I imagine it must have been around President Clinton 's second inauguration . Miller , an Arkansas native , read for that event . That makes it 1998 . Why I clipped it is another question . I cannot say . I do not remember . Really , I have no idea . I found it while going through some file folders at my office . Most all of the contents were disposed of . This bit of newsprint certainly was incongruous with the receipts and forms and other papers in the Pendaflex . I pulled it out and read it . Quite good , I thought . Quite nice . No particular effect other than appreciation of the poetry and wonder at what made me cut it out of the newspaper eleven years earlier . I left it on the back desk of our reception area until I figured out what to do with it . Why not throw it away ? Filing it again would be silly . sometime I know you will have read them thisso they will know I love them and say soand love their mother . Child , whatever isis always or never was . Long ago , That was a month ago . Maybe two . Since then my son and his intended have become pregnant . At first the decision was to wait . Spend some time with it and decide . We , my wife and I , were nervous . We were upset . We were worried . Then , the decision was to terminate . Then it was not . Keep the child ? Adoption ? My son would be about nine months younger than I when our first child was born . Certainly it can be done . We started to look forward to it . We started to feel a bit excited . Why not ? We can help . It would work . The decision was made , by the two of them , to put the child up for adoption . " It isn 't a good time to have a child . " When is ? " It isn 't going to be easy . " When is it ? " How could we do this ? " We 'll make it work . The decision stands . She is beginning to show . Yesterday we saw a sonogram of the child . I have not held a sonogram before . We didn 't have one done for either of our children . A small slip of paper . There is the baby . A bit more than two months into getting herself out . Her ? Him ? Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Posted on January 14 , 2017 by Lucien Reply They gave me a new uniform . It was so strange , to be looking at myself in uniform again . The worst part was getting my hair cut . Looking at myself , with hair like a pixie doll , it was strange . I spent years growing that hair out long . It had become part of my identity . But I was a pilot too . That 's how it goes . The bucket hat that I was wearing , in this black getup , made me feel powerful again . Getting into uniform was fun . I was glad that somebody remembered that my hips are wider than other girls . Jack used to joke that I was " a white girl with a big black booty . " Always acted annoyed , but you can 't fight the way your body is made . It has only been an inconvenience when getting pants and getting into uniform . G - suits are made to squeeze around a body , so they fit loosely when you first put them on , then tighten when you hit the sensor . Since men and women pilot , they knew to keep the design open to different body types . I respect that . Pinning the last of my medals and rank identifiers on my chest and arms , I was ready to face him . Jack was sitting in the other room . He told me he was stoked to see what I look like in uniform . The old uniform I had was blue , back in my days serving alongside the Earth Forces Navy . My outfit was the part of a special Colonial section . This new uniform was black , with red on the trim . It was imposing , and a sign of Colonial solidarity . The fatigues were black as well , but without the red . I would have to wear those on the ship . Told Jack I would model them for him next . I rolled my eyes , but still felt good . He was trying to be positive , so I didn 't worry . I love him so much . The idea of leaving him to go fight in a war , it scared the fuck out of me . But then I remember what it was like , watching that Colony explode when the Earth Forces attacked . What if that had been here ? What if Jack had been one of the bodies that I saw floating up into space ? Couldn 't breathe , couldn 't handle the thought . That is why I am fighting . If there was a chance that I could watch the man I love be that person … no , I wouldn 't . I will fight , as hard as I possibly can , to keep him safe . He 's my man . Mine . No planetside fuck is going to take him away from me . I laced up my dress boots , straightened my hat , and walked out . He smiled at me , raising his Band and snapping a pic . " You fucking know it ! Holy shit , babe ! You look incredible ! " Getting up he came over . Looked me over , felt weird . Then he ran his hand over the name insignia on my chest . Heading back into the bathroom , he pinches my ass . I wheel around , looking indignant , but he just grabs me and kisses me . This commanding officer role - play could be fun . He seems to be enjoying himself . Plus , given how nervous I feel , this makes me feel a lot better . Back in the bathroom , I am very gentle about removing the dress uniform . Not going to risk it getting wrinkled . You wouldn 't believe it , but proper folding is something you learn in basic . Among all sorts of nit - picky bullshit about the service . I hang the uniform back up , and then turn to see where my fatigues are sitting on the counter . It 's then that I catch sight of the implant modulator . Like most women , I have an implant that I use as birth control . I can automatically refill it . It is dry . Jack and I had been talking about having a baby for months . Looking down at my hand , I see the engagement ring . The wedding was supposed to be during the summer cycle . We had it planned out that we could celebrate being pregnant at the same time as getting married . Cut down on celebrations . So many friends had already asked if I was carrying . No luck yet . But things had changed . Now I was back on active duty . I couldn 't risk getting pregnant now . Taking out the modulator , I insert the end into skin where my implant is . Part of me feels real shame . Not only was I putting my wedding on hold , I was putting all of our plans on hold . Even if we won the war , how long would I still be on active duty ? When would we get another chance to start a family ? It killed me inside , but it is what it is . A pop , and the birth control injection is complete . Another three years where I don 't have to worry about getting periods or having babies . I 'm sorry , Jack . I 'm so sorry . Getting my mind back on more positive things , I open up my fatigues . The pattern , so familiar , but just in different colors . My name is on these as well . Much easier to put on than my dress uniform , I slip in . Should get into the issued - underwear . That 's right , you have uniform underwear in the military . It 's weird . And a touch uncomfortable . Oh well . I 'm doing this outfit , and I want to do it right . Once I get everything situated , again I look at myself in the mirror . It 's so strange . This is some other girl . Some girl I don 't know . We 're just meeting for the first time . " It 's not that I don 't think you 're a good pilot . I know you are . You 're gonna kick ass out there . But wars are complicated . All it could take is one thing going wrong and the wrong time . Of course I 'm scared . " Quietly , I obey . He suddenly grabs my arm and throws me down onto the bed . Pinning my arms above me , He gets on top of me . My breathing is so fast . I wake up in his arms . Naked , sticky , with my uniform and regulation underwear all over the room . That was incredible . I haven 't had sex like that in years . Jack was an animal , but not once did I take issue . All we had was tonight , and he made the most of it . Still a little tingly . Guess the orgasm didn 't fade just yet . Ride the high , as it were , right ? Girls have it so much better than guys in this regard . Pleasure is a different thing for women than men . Get us into enough of a mood , and every part of our body is basically like a sex organ . Our entire body becomes sensitive and reactive . Erogenous zones become a none - issue . That 's what happened to me just now . Amazing . Still , I won 't be able to go back to sleep . Gotta do something . Maybe a run will help . I grab a quick shower , to get the sticky off . Some places are just going to stay sticky for a while . Can 't get up in there . But it still feels good . I throw on a tanktop , sweats , and my Colonial Navy sweater . They gave us exercise clothes too . Thought of everything . Lace up my shoes , then head out . It 's still cool . The weather cycle is still in the morning . I see my breath in the recycled air . Still dark , too . The night - time filter is still active . I take off . Moving at a gentle pace , the rhythm of running helps to calm my nerves . It feels so good . As I move down the dimly - lit pavement , I think about what Jack said . He 's right . Wars are unpredictable . Anything can go wrong . Everyone keeps telling me what a kick - ass pilot I am . They might be right . But I can 't go allowing myself to think that way . The moment that I allow myself to start thinking that way is the moment I die . I 've watched far too many pilots get swept up by their own ego . They stopped being cautious and careful . And they paid the price for their arrogance . Each step , I can 't help but notice that I am heading toward a destination - the port . Why ? It then hits me - there is someone else that I need to say goodbye to . A girl that I am not going to be seeing for a very long time . Depending on how this plays out , maybe ever again . She 's right where I left her . The marks from where I was dodging impacts are still there . Time was , I would already be here , around the time that I will be heading out , working on getting her back up to shape . I 've had some dangerous run - ins with meteors and other space weather . Since the only person who touches my bird , outside of the crew who does replacements of hull plating , is myself , I took repairs very seriously . Would test the girl after I was done , just to make sure everything was running smoothly . Part of me couldn 't wait to be doing that to my new bird , whatever it would be . My rig looked very sad , sitting there . Like a wounded pet that you have to abandon . That 's how I felt . Like my dog got hurt and I had to leave it for a few years . Yeah , kind of felt like a piece of shit . " I knew you 'd come in to say goodbye to her . I don 't care if we are back - logged to the point that ships have to wait outside , I won 't be moving her . Hand to god . " Walking over , I put my hand on his big , old , bushy beard . " Thanks , Red . But I don 't know when I 'll be back to see her . " " Don 't matter to me . If you never show up again , she 'll be right where you left her . So long as I 'm tending this dock , that 's how it will be . And I 'll make sure that whoever replaces me knows it too . The Queen Bee ain 't goin ' nowhere ! But I know you 'll be coming back . Might be parking a fighter next to your girl , but you 'll be back . " His big , gentle smile from beneath the gray hair . When I arrive , I see that the lights are on . A familiar scent greets me as I get to the door . What a man , I have . A miner , and a cook . When this is all over , he 's going to make one hell of a father . That 's the plan . After the war , no more modulation of the implant . I want a baby with him . First thing after I get back , we get married . Then , we get pregnant . Posted on November 27 , 2016 by Lucien Reply Another long day comes to an end . I put Ellie to bed and now was settling in to watch some news before going to bed . My days of being a journalism student in college still catch up to me . The urge to keep informed about what is happening in the world . Another Presidential election over . The infotainment that is cable news has to find some new thing to milk into the ground with the fact - free reporting that they do . The modern Fourth Estate is a joke . I truly do believe in what it was supposed to represent , but now it is just a shadow of what the great journalists fought for . When Edward R . Murrow took on Joseph McCarthy , when Walter Cronkite took on the government over the Vietnam War , when Ted Koppel took on the government over the Iran hostage crisis , they fought for what the news was supposed to mean . But they were gone . Sorry if I preached , but I still think about things like that , even now . They said that becoming a dad would totally change me . Sure , it changed my routine and how I look at the choices I make , but it didn 't magically turn me into a curmudgeon who is uber - conservative and believes that liberals are stupid . I still believe the things that I believed then . Only difference is that now I get to try and be the best dad that I can be while believing what I do . I have taken a hard stance that I want to impart my values in a way where I give all sides their due . I wasn 't going to teach my little girl what to think , but rather how to think , and let her come to her own conclusions . Sure , it meant that for a while there , she believed that her deity was Santa Claus , but now she is at the top of her class and is the smartest child I have ever met . Makes me wish she could see her . I look at the pics on the wall , and my mind goes back . I met her when I was in college . The two of us immediately clicked . Our weirdness meshed so well , and we were fast friends . For a few years , life was good . We would go out , have dinner , go to movies , see random things that happened in town that got both of our attention . Was even dragged to a couple cultural festivals by the girl . I was always a little apprehensive about going to things like that . So different and random . Really was my father 's son . He hated new things , and would complain up to the point that he actually was there . After that , once he was in the middle of whatever it was , he was enjoying himself . Made for vacations where my mother would have to put up with him complaining all the way there , but I could tell that she knew that it would be worth it once he was there , just as excited as the rest of us . One night , at a Japanese culture festival , the two of us were sitting and eating some noodles . It was fantastic . There was music playing and I didn 't want to be anywhere else . That 's when I look over , wanting to say something to her , but she is already looking at me . A look in her eyes , telling me that she had been looking at me for a while . We just look into one - another 's eyes , and I don 't need to say anything else . Her hand goes to my cheek , and I move in closer . Each movement brings new rounds of butterflies inside that are driving me crazy , but I don 't stop . Then our faces are so close . When did this person who was nothing but a friend to me become something more ? I didn 't know , and I didn 't care . Everything about this moment felt right . Our lips met , in a soft embrace that I never wanted to end . It was the first night that I felt like I was living since high school , where my last relationship ended . It 's five years later . We 're at the church that she grew up in . I 'm not a religious person , but she is . I can put aside how I feel about it all , because this makes her and her family happy . I 'm saying " I do , " and tears are going down her face . We embrace again , and everything is wonderful . Two more years later , and we are pregnant . She is so excited . I 'd be lying if I said that I wasn 't scared out of my wits . We both have good jobs . Money isn 't something to be afraid of . We made sure that we were ready before taking this step . But even with all of that , I 'm still scared to death . What does it mean to be a dad ? Both of my parents have advice for me . Hell , everyone has advice for me . The entire fucking world is suddenly an expert on having children . Not helping . Not one bit . We are sitting in a room , listening to a doctor . She is telling us that my wife has cancer . Due to the pregnancy , it is making her immune system weakened . It just happened to come in at the right time . My wife is scared for the baby , but the doctor said that it hasn 't gone to her reproductive system . Facing her own mortality , the first thing she thinks about is the baby . Admirable . I wonder why . I just want to save her . The options we have are limited . We can 't do chemo with the baby in there . We 'd kill it . By the time the baby is done , it might be too late for more radical treatments . It 's already in the second stage . My wife is crying . I think I am too . Hard to tell . My whole body feels numb . It 's just after dawn when she goes into labor . I get her to the car and drive like a bat out of hell to the hospital . It 's not close . She looks terrible . The treatments for cancer that are safe , along with the progression are making her so sick . So scared that delivering the baby will be dangerous . Told her to do a c - section . It 's safe , easy , and then it 's over . She says no . Wants to deliver this thing the normal way . Stubborn woman . Stupidly stubborn . What 's the point of doing things that way if it 's an unnecessary risk ? ! Being right never feels like a victory , for me . I am watching as my baby is being wheeled away , while they get the crash cart . Over and over , they attempt to restart her heart . It doesn 't work . Holding my newborn daughter in my arms , I watch my wife die . What should be the most wonderful night of my life is when my heart is breaking . I have so much that I have to do , only difference is that now I have to do it all on my own . Never have I felt more alone . My eyes open , as I see a light at the top of the stairs . Down the stairs she comes . Sitting up , I see that the TV had turned itself off due to inactivity . The look on her face , it 's concern , but awkward . " I heard a noise , from down here . I think you were talking in your sleep . Heard you calling out to mom . " Parent moment - she 's just shy of middle school . The talk is coming . Anytime I hear that question , I know that the big one is coming . It hurts . I am physically hurting because of that question . Not because it offends me or something , but because I have to wonder how long she has been carrying that question around in her head . The girl was always eager to please , her whole life . Anytime that I wasn 't at work , she would be where I am , doing whatever I do . To this day , she still is like that . Part of me thought that it was just a kid bonding with their parent , but maybe it was her trying to atone for what she feels like is her fault . Maybe this is a talk I should have had with her a long time ago . " Never ! What happened to your mother was not your fault . Cancer can happen to anyone , at anytime . Lady Luck just didn 't shine on her , is all . It happens to all of us . " Was that the right way to say it ? Tears started flowing down her face . " I hear you , but you kept calling out to her , over and over . You said , ' don 't leave me . ' How can I not think that you don 't at least blame me a little for what happened to her ? " I motioned for her to sit down next to me . " Now , don 't you go thinking that way ! " She got over and I put my arm around her . " You coming into my life was the greatest day of my life . Your mom was willing to risk getting sicker just so she wouldn 't have to put you in danger . She told me that if the worst should happen , to promise that I would take care of you . And I did . With all my heart , I said that I would be the best dad that I could possibly be . Not a day has gone by that I regret it . Not one . It was the hardest few months of my life , adjusting to taking care of you without her with me . I needed a lot of help from grandma and grandpa . But you are the greatest thing to ever come into my life . " A gripping at my heart . " And with you here , in a way , it 's like she never left us . She 's with us both , right now , because you survived and are still here . Never have I blamed you for what happened to her . Not one time . I miss her every day , but it 's not your fault . Okay ? " All she could do is cry and burrow into me . I held her close for a long time . Then , I picked her up and carried her like a big cat upstairs . Thank Groj I am such a big guy and have worked to take care of my body . Hefted the big kid like she was nothing . Laid her down on the bed and pulled the covers over her . " Grief is like an ocean ; it comes in waves , ebbing and flowing . Sometimes the water is calm , and sometimes it is overwhelming . All we can do is learn to swim . " - Vicki Harrison The prince was a happy boy , who brought happiness into the lives of everyone he touched . The subjects loved him , and so did the royal family . Everyone did . The young prince believed that the happy years would go on forever . But then there was an accident , and the young prince was asleep for a long time . The dreams he had there were nice , and he didn 't want to leave . But he was brought back into the waking world , and all that greeted him was pain . The Prince wasn 't well . His body wasn 't made right , and so he hurt . For many years , the prince dealt with the pain , all while trying not to let the royal family or his subjects see how hard it was . It worked , for a while . However , as the years went on , the prince found a darkness inside of him . A dark passenger that he carries with him , to this day . Once the pain in his body was gone , the prince tried to resume life as he had before the accident . But life had changed . Everyone in the prince 's life had become a different person . They weren 't waiting for the prince anymore . They had gone their own way . The prince was sad . He tried to bond with them again , but it didn 't work . The prince left the kingdom , to go to a faraway school , which would prepare him to rule his kingdom , now that he was an adult . The prince decided he was going to meet new people here , and make lots of new friends . And so he did . More years went by , and life was good again . But , one by one , the new friends left . Some hurt the prince in a way he couldn 't describe . It was making the prince 's dark passenger very powerful inside . The dark presence whispered things to him , about how everyone will hate him and how nobody really cares . The prince started to believe in it , after a while . So the prince tried to hold on to the friends he had , but it just made things worse . He was so in need , and they couldn 't help him . After a while , the prince was alone in this faraway land , as lost as when he arrived . But all that is left for him in his kingdom is the royal family . He loves them with all his heart , but it isn 't enough for the his lost and wayward heart . Now , the prince has hatched a plan . A plan to head away from this kingdom to one even farther away . But deep down , the prince doesn 't actually believe it will work . He just tells himself that it will , to try and fight his dark passenger . The prince hates the dark passenger , and wishes he would go away . But he never does . There 's no happy ending to the prince 's story . It still continues . Perhaps one day , the prince will find a kingdom where he doesn 't have to hurt anymore . It 's a little dream . " Fairy tales are more than true ; not because they tell us that dragons exist , but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten . " - G . K . Chesterton Posted on August 14 , 2016 by Lucien Reply The thing that I truly love about where I live is the fact that there is a pizza joint that makes absolutely incredible pizza just down the road from where I live . Doing the work that I do , I come home at the end of the day and am almost - always famished . With the paycheck I get at the end of the day , I can afford to get a pizza whenever I want . But I am very selective about when I do this . Partly for health reasons . I love the stuff , but too much will turn me into a fatty and my arteries into sad faces . I have to stay healthy for my job . Not that I have to try hard . It 's active work , and I come home each day exhausted . But the other reason that I am selective about when I get pizza is because I like to get it when there is a certain girl at the place . She 's the most beautiful woman I have ever seen . Her amber - blonde hair is all - natural . It 's gorgeous . It is tied behind her in a ponytail , but it is so long . I 've always wanted to see what it looks like when it 's down . Flowing over her shoulders in rivulets . A man can dream . Her eyes are emerald green . Such a rare combination ! She 's got a little extra pounds on her , but that doesn 't bother me at all . It 's a sign that she 's not some girl that will only be eating salad if I take her out to dinner . She likes to live a little . Not to the point of insane excess , like so many American women , but just enough to have fun . Shameful moment , I also notice her very large breasts underneath the company shirt . Screw that . No shame . She 's gorgeous , and I won 't let the people who will say that I 'm objectifying her ruin my affection . The girl has some imperfections , though . A quirky little nose , and a mouth that has some scar tissue on it , apparently from corrective surgery . I find this even more appealing . Those little flaws that give a person some character . So I order pizza on the nights when I know that she 'll be there . I never ask for delivery . Why bother ? It 's literally down the road . I 'm exhausted at the end of the day , not but not that bad . I can walk thirty feet from my apartment to get a bite . That 's when I see her . This place is never super - busy . All the better for me . It means that she 's free to talk . Sometimes I 'll go and eat in , just for the opportunity . The two of us bonded the moment we met . She was delivering water and nearly dropped the glass on me . Quick reflexes are the name of the game with me , so I catch it with barely any of the contents falling . Much apologizing . Apparently , this girl has had some problems with being something of a klutz . Enough where she asks me not to tell her boss about this . I agree , but only if she tells me her name . And that 's how the story began . Over the last few months , I would sometimes eat in , but only on the nights when I know that they are going to be pretty much dead . I know every time of day in this place . It 's a talent I got from what I do . You learn to know everything about the places that are important . She would sit at my table for a while , and we would talk . She told me about how she was from a family that is wealthy , but they had problems with her . It seems that she had a history of not being the best kid . Some drug use , and some problems with bi - polar that didn 't help her addictions . Eventually , they got her a place and told her that they didn 't want her around . It was pretty bad , for a while . But she got into rehab , and has been clean for almost a year . She 's working , while taking community college classes at night . A roomie came to live with her , who doubles as her sponsor . Now she 's doing her best to stay employed and not have to depend on her parents as much . The tips here are shit , but being employed keeps her from thinking about things , and away from a life of addiction . Apparently , the owner is an alright guy . Told her about my day job , as an EMT . The night job would take WAY too much explaining . Not remotely close to ready for that . Told her that I live just down the way . But one night , I decided to be brave . I asked if she wanted to maybe go out and grab a bite or something sometime . Girl got all bashful . Guess she doesn 't get asked out much . As luck would have it , there was a big culture festival celebrating the Pacific Islanders in my state . We have a huge population . A chance to eat food that may or may not be good . It was all coming together so nicely . She gave me her address , and told me when she 'd be free from work the night of the festival . I was on my way to an awesome day . The night came , and I decided not to get too dressed up . I wanted this to feel a little casual . Like it 's just two people getting to know one - another , without any expectations . I hate formal dates . There 's so damn much pressure . It 's difficult . I lead two lives , and both of them have enough pressure . I don 't need more . Some black slacks , gray shirt , and a loose - fitting black button - up shirt over that . Look fly , but not so fly that it puts pressure . Gotta play this right . I get to her place , and it 's a typical two - level salt box . Wealthy family indeed . It " s a nice neighborhood , too . The girl 's standing on the curb . She 's wearing this cute little blue dress , perfect for summer . Her hair is down , and it was everything I imagined it would be . So flawless . Her hands are on her little ditty bag . I couldn 't have asked for something cuter than this . Pulling up , she hops in quickly . Guess I don 't have to be a gentleman . Works for me . It 's a new age . The two of us talk about various things on the way there . We 've grown comfortable enough around one - another that we can get into serious stuff and it isn 't awkward . She tells me about how she 's been prescribed new meds for her bi - polar disorder and it 's doing well . She 's having less panic attacks and the cravings she 's been dealing with aren 't as severe . The girl is positive and things are looking up . So I caught her on a very good night ! Life is good . Parking is tight downtown , but I find a spot . We have a bit of a walk , and she actually takes a hold of my arm . Old fashioned , maybe ? Sure , but that doesn 't bother me in the slightest . The closer we get , the more smells we are greeted with . All kinds of spices and meats and other cooking things . It all smells so good . I can hear her stomach rumbling . Is mine ? Perhaps . Tons of people in various cultural costumes . How many of them get told they are " appropriating their culture ? " None , because people are here to have fun and nobody gives a shit about trivial crap like that . We grab some skewers and make our way inside . This place has everything one can imagine . All kinds of beautiful artwork from various Islanders . There are these amazing wood carvings done by a very jovial Samoan who has no problem packing on the calories , but clearly loves life . Dude has arms that look like he could break me in two . He talks about how long the carving process takes , and then there 's the sanding and painting . Skilled artisans . Speaking of , there 's a rather quirky Taiwanese lady that I actually knew doing spray painting art in real time and selling her pieces on the spot . She has glasses so huge that you think her eyes are like a bugs . Lady must be blind as a mole without them . With incredibly broken English , she talks to herself about what should go where . Like Bob Ross from Asia . We also get to see several jewelry pieces . My date marvels at some . I play coy for a few , but end up buying her one that I could tell she was stuck on . . You can 't be a doormat to people , but you reward people 's dedication when they least expect it . Best relationships should always be able to surprise you . At least , that 's how I 've seen things . In the center of it all is a band that immigrated from Korea playing . They are using classic instruments from several cultures . Creates a very pleasant sound . The two of us sit down and eat noodle bowls while listening . I look over and there is a little smile on her face that doesn 't quit . My normally passe expression also brightens up considerably . The food is delicious . So glad I didn 't get the curry . From what I hear , that stuff was spicy in a way that people 's mouths were on fire . You take a risk with Eastern food , but it 's worth it . Especially with the right company . Then the girl says asks me to dance . It 's something slower . People who are brave enough are holding each other there . Do I dare ? The work I do at night demands that I stay in the shadows . Am I brave enough to step into the light ? Seeing my hesitation , she assures me that it 's okay . The calm determination on her face . How can I refuse ? Going out on the floor , I pull her close . Believe it or not , but I do know what I 'm doing . It 's not hard . Fast stuff is hard . Slow is just about closeness . Feeling the heat from her body , and how she is in my arms , time seems to slow down . I 've aimed down my sights and had time do this , but never for something good . Part of me wishes the song had never ended . When it did , I almost found it hard to part . The look on her face , it was unmistakable . I had made the right choice . . Hours pass , and it doesn 't feel like any time at all had gone by . I look at my watch and see that it 's an hour past midnight , but then she says that she doesn 't want the night to end . She 's looking right at me when she says this . Her gaze tells me that she 's serious . Where will things go next ? I ask if she wants to come back to my place for a drink . Says yes . My smile is unmistakable . She takes my hand and says that we should get going . Like I 'm going to argue . The two of us are sitting on my couch . I whipped up a quick drink - Turlock Bulldog . It 's tasty as all get - out . She tells me that she had fun , and was glad that she took my invitation . It seems that she had been having trouble for the last few years finding dates . She had kept wanting me to ask , but I never did . For a while there , she thought I never would , and it would be a friendzone situation . But such was not to be . When we finished our drinks , came the hard question - what do you want to do now ? Looking her right in the eye , I search for a hint that she wants to stop . I move in closer , and her breathing speeds up . Setting my glass down , she does as well . We 're so close now . The sound of her fast breathing is right in my ear as I put my hand her cheek . Eyes close , moves into my touch . Her arms move around my neck . I know that we 've passed the point of no return . Works for me . Our lips meet . Such a good kisser . This girl has experience , and she seems to know what she wants . Her tongue meets mine , and I pull back . Standing up , I take her hand and pull her up with me . Thus began my incredible night with my pizza girl . If only that night could have never ended . Posted on July 23 , 2016 by Lucien Reply When I was coming back home , I knew the person that would be hardest to see . I had seen her family 's home in the town when the train arrived . How does one revisit the past when they know that it 's going to hurt ? For the last two days , I had been wrestling with it . Still settling in to being back home . The hardest thing has been the bed . Every time I wake up , I feel like this isn 't real . Like I 'm going to wake up again and it 's back in the field . I 'm with my regiment on the march , or with my squad on recon , with my head resting on the most comfortable patch of moss I could find . Or rock , if we were out in the Badlands . This is so strange . Helping the old man with chores was kind of nice too . Turns out , the old timer had invested in some motor vehicles to help out around the farm . He 's simply too old , and he wants to make things easier for the big sis when he leaves the farm to her . Everyone knows that 's what 's going to happen . That girl is born to be a farming girl . Will have to find herself a man who likes to work in the kitchen , because she 's going to be out leading the cows out to pasture when she 's just about to have her kids . Goddess help that poor bastard . There 's been a guy who fits the bill that she has been making nice with . The two are getting close . Little sis says that the only reason they aren 't officially dating is because they don 't know who is supposed to ask who out . I might do something about that , one of these days . Give the boy a kick in the pants . Unlike my younger sister , Big Sis can take care of herself . I got some questions from the old man when we were out working and I took off my shirt . He saw some of my tats , from the battalion I served with . There were also the tats from the places I visited . One for each city . It was a good reminder of where I 'd been . Lily came over to borrow something from the old man . At least , that 's what she said . Her and I ended up talking for about an hour . The old guy just smiled , because he knew that she was there to see me . When she saw how built I had become , I could see her blushing . So cute . But then the day came , for me to bite the bullet and go see her . To see my regiment 's commander . The youngest ever to serve . Girl was on her way to becoming Battalion Commander . She had told me once that when she got that position , I would be coming with her . Said she needed someone that she could trust , to give her counsel . But I knew the real reason - so I wasn 't busy fighting in the front lines anymore . I was a Squad Leader , but I didn 't lead from the back . There was a reason I was given a sword - so I could put down the enemy . This idea that I could lead troops into battle from the back was so ridiculous . However , she did just that . Anyone who called her a coward for it was getting the beating of their life . Today was the day that I would see her , and maybe get some closure . So many memories . My blade struck right into the neck of the warhound that was charging at me . Took the mutt 's head clean off . It 's armor wasn 't gong to do much to stop my blade . It was chaos . The shells were impacting everywhere . On the lines were the riflemen . Our trenches were good , and we had strong interior lines . Patrolling the perimeter were the machina . They were supposed to keep hounds like this off our flank . We had such a good position . Behind us was a large ridge that had the command tent . Lining that were our artillery cannons . It was a perfect defensive position . The enemy had to come through a valley to reach us , and our cannon and rifles saw them every step of the way . Once they got to the lines , it was a hailstorm of bullets and channeling attacks . Our channelers were being used as artillery , save for those who were back at the ridge , which also doubled as a field hospital . We didn 't have to worry about the enemy coming in from the north , because that was a cliff , and beyond that was the sea . To the south was mountains that were rocky , tall , and impossible to traverse in large numbers . This valley was the only way in or out of the Vale Woods . By far , this was the best ground a person could ask for to fight . We had been holding out like this for weeks . The enemy had been pounding us . Despite how good this ground was , the simple reality was that our supplies were running low , and reinforcements had yet to arrive . We were running out of everything . Bullets , shells , channeling stones , machina , and even swords . Hell , even our armor was starting to get worn beyond repair . There was no way we could last much longer . But where would we fall back to ? The only way we could go is back . The valley chokes the enemy in , but it also keeps us rather trapped . The Vale Wood was the only direction , and that was risk . The Nether runs deep in that place . We already have enough Mist to deal with due to the near - endless fighting that had happened for the last three days . If we went too deep into those woods , it would react with the Nether , and that is dangerous . There are beasts that only show up in your nightmares who can be summoned with the Nether and Mist mix too heavily . It 's like a drug . " Plug that fucking hole ! " I shouted . Why hadn 't reinforcements arrived ? Some riflemen and channelers came in and did something that I hated to see - using the bodies of the dead to plug the gap in the trenches . We were forced to use the bodies of dead men and women that we cared for as a method of defense . This meant that impacts in those bodies sent streaks of blood onto the men and women fighting . If I ever got my hands on the person in command who had fucked up with our reinforcements , I was going to break their necks . I look at the girl like she 's stupid . " Are you fucking kidding me ? ! Have you seen this mess ? ! I can 't afford to leave now ! " Shaking her head , " I have my orders directly from Regiment Commander Arietta , sir ! You must come right away ! " She ducked down as a channeling blast impacted not far away . Slamming my fist into the wall , I look over at my squad . I motion for a slim man with glasses to come over . You wouldn 't think much of him , but there 's no one with better aim . " I gotta go to the Command Center ! Jibes , you 're in charge until I get back ! Have your men be more selective about their targets . Keep your heads down , and watch our right flank ! There are too many hounds coming in . " " I hear ya . Hold the lines . Have our channelers save their strength . Have as many riflemen as you can spare get some rations and water . Alternate firing lines , so we can give people a chance to rest . " Strolling through town was nice . Got a few looks from people who hadn 't known that I 'm back yet . Others who saw the cap I wore and the insignia on it . My old regiment and battalions ' insignias were on it . Along with my body , of course . This was such a peaceful place . Horses and carts still exist here , and a few motor vehicles . It 's just farmers out here , and they aren 't the wealthiest lot . Motor vehicles that they get are the big kind , so they can haul crops . No point having something to joy - ride in . That 's a city luxury . Memories of the days when Lily 's dad would drive us into town and I would be sitting with my legs hanging off the back . Good times . But the good feeling fizzles out when I see it . Stepping through the adorable little fence around the place , I head up the cobblestone steps . This is a really nice house . Arya 's family is among the few truly wealthy in this town . Strange that she became a soldier . Girl didn 't have to . Her family is patriotic , though . An admirable quality . One that was proved by her , in more ways than one . And what does she get for it ? As I knock on the door , I can already tell what it will be . But I have to do this . It opens and there is her mother . Her face brightens up immediately . " Luger ! I had heard that you are back home . I 'm sure that Arya would love to see you . Come on in ! " " Thank you . " I step inside and see the flag that was given to Arya when she was discharged framed , hanging on the wall . Beneath it is her blade . Would she really be happy too see me ? Thinking back to our last encounter , I 'm not so sure . This was one of the nicest hospitals I 've ever seen . You forget how a proper medical healing center is supposed to be , serving out on the front . The white stone and the gentle white paint color . I 'm carrying a bottle of gara rum . It 's in a bag , of course . Don 't want them to see it . But I figured that this is a good gift for a commanding officer . Given Arya 's injuries , a strong drink might just be what the doctor ordered . Walking up the stairs , my stomach is turning . I had heard so many things about the nature of her injuries . Now I would have to see it for myself . I get up the stairs and I see her room 's number just down the hall . A deep breath . I walk in . The first thing I notice is the flowers . They are sitting in a vase in the table by her bed . The colors call out to me in this drab room . " Ugly , aren 't they ? " a voice asks . I look over , and there she is . Nothing like I remember . Her obsidian - colored hair is as short as ever , but you 'd hardly notice over the bandages . Half of her face is covered in them . I look down , and see my worst fears confirmed . One of the healing channelers had told me that she was going to be losing an arm and a leg . Both on the same side . I see her now , and her right arm is missing . Looking down , I see her right leg is gone as well . " I ask them to take the damn things out , but the fucking nurse doesn 't listen to me . No one does . Guess that 's what my new rank is worth . " Closing the door , I walk inside . The window is open , and a soft breeze is coming in . The sounds of the people outside , it 's such a far - cry from where the two of us were not five days ago . The screaming and death . The shells . How did we get here ? Her one eye looks at me . From the bag , I unwrap the rum . Even though she doesn 't want to , I can see her smile growing . She looks right at me . " Really ? Like we need them . We 've shared canteens and even silverware out in the field . Let 's get to chugging ! " " Okay . " I take a swig , and then am about to pass the bottle to her . Then I realize that I 'm sitting on the side with the missing arm . Once on the right side , I pass the bottle to her . She takes it and starts to gulp it down . After a couple seconds , I grab the bottle and tilt it back down . In an instant , I realize what I have to do . I can 't go easy on her . I can 't be overly nice . What she needs is to feel like her life isn 't changed forever . " Yeah , well , I can do this . " I grab the bottle and pull it from her grip . Take another drink . This stuff is so smooth ! Quietly , I get up and sit on the edge of her bed . She shuffles over , and I lie down beside her . My arm goes around her . The healers have repaired all the surface damage when they did the surgery . I sit there , just holding the girl as she cries . Words should come to me , but they don 't . There 's just the noise from outside , and her crying . This was a woman who had never once shed tears . Growing up , I 've seen her get some really ugly scrapes , and she was just fine . Now she 's crying in my arms . " We had to move her room downstairs . She couldn 't go up and down the stairs without help . We remodeled the old powder room . " Her voice trailed off . Didn 't want to talk about it . Understandable . We come to the door , and it 's shut . " No problem . I know that she 'll be happy to see you . " With that , she shuffled away . Poor lady . I just knew that Ari had been not the best company since she got back home . Opening the door , I stepped inside . It was so dark in here . The only light was from an open window . In front of it sat a luxurious chair that looked so pleasant to sit in . On the far wall was the bed , unkempt . In the chair , I saw very familiar black hair . I could tell that it was infinitely longer than when I had last seen her . Bet that drove her nuts . " Lu ! " The girl tried to stand . Prosthetic leg ? Not bad . The arm was gone at the shoulder . Nothing to be done about that . Still , at least the girl wasn 't totally ruined . Her attempts to stand ended in her collapsing into the chair . I hurry over , putting my hand on her shoulder , sitting in a chair opposite her . " It 's alright , Ari . I don 't actually have booze today . Sorry . " Settling back into the chair , she smiles up at me . The patch on her right eye makes her look very distinguished . It 's bigger than a normal one , so it can cover the rather noticeable scar on her face from the explosion . It really is a miracle she survived . " Screw you ! They won 't get me booze anymore . I 'd walk to the store , but this damn leg never works right . Every time I get to walking with it for more than a few feet , it kinks on me and then I either fall over or have to be helped to a chair . It sucks ! Stuck in this damn house all the time . " " I think I see the problem . The axis where the leg moves isn 't lined up properly . I can see where it 's grating against the edge . It can be straightened , with a little elbow grease . So yeah , give me your leg . " Grabbing the base , she props it up on my knee . Feels so weird , messing with a girl 's leg like this . I grab on to the top half , then the bottom , right at the joining axis . I pull as hard as I can , until I hear a click . Looking at it , it 's lined up . She makes like she will try , but then looks over at me , holding up her arm . Nothing more needs to be said . Taking her hand , I help her up . The girl trembles a little , trying to find her balance . I pull her against me , so as to be a crutch to lean on . We take a few steps , until she finds her footing and realizes that it is alright . Her lean on me gets less and less tight as she gets more sure of her footing , until she then moves away entirely . The girl is walking on her own ! Something that I could tell had been there very little was her smile . It came back very soon . Just then , she stumbled a bit . " Well , I got my ability to walk a little back . That 's something . " Sitting back down in her chair , the girl motions for me to sit as well . " Why did it come undone ? " " We did . Remember the battle that mangled you ? Well , turns out that we had been holding off a major front by the enemy . They were supposed to link up with the forces coming in from the southeast . Never got there . The 4th Battalion crushed their front , because their artillery couldn 't get to them . Our navy never showed because they were busy engaging the fleet that was also moving to attack . It was sheer luck that our Battalion ended up holding off a major enemy front . And good that we retreated when we did . The enemy battalion that we were fighting was just one of three . The other two were being held up by the battle , but were moving reinforcements in to crush us and push forward . If we hadn 't have retreated when we did , it would have been a slow attrition until we had nothing left , and then we would have been destroyed . " " Our Battalion was virtually destroyed by the end of our slog back through the Vale Woods . There was some ugly fighting in the Nether . Monsters you wouldn 't believe . When we finally got back to friendly lines , less than an eighth of our forces had survived . Those of us who were still able to fight were folded in to the Fifth Battalion and then were part of the final push into the Republic 's territory . I was given command of the 16th Regiment , but it was all for nothing . We never saw any action during the final battle . They had us guarding the supply lines . Guess someone at command figured that we 'd seen enough . Little mercies , right ? " " I found out about two weeks later , when our Regiment was just sitting around , guarding trains that were going nowhere . The war was over . The Republic sued for peace , and the Empire accepted their surrender . Yay us . " A groan . " I hear that . I didn 't bother following the news . Heard some stuff about it being over , and that we had won , but I didn 't care enough to look into it . What did I care ? The war took away my entire life . Fuck it . " " I can 't walk without help . Even if my leg works right again , I can 't go places by myself . If something goes wrong , someone has to be there to help . I can hardly see where I 'm going thanks to having no depth perception . Whenever I do walk , my leg hurts . Oh , and eating is a giant pain in the ass because I can barely see my food and you have no idea how hard it is to eat with one hand . I 'll never be able to live my own life , Lu . I 'll be depending on people forever . Once my parents are gone , who will it be ? Who will look after me ? What will I do ? No brothers or sisters to fall back on . What will I do ? " Staring at the floor , I feel ashamed . Then I look up . " I 'll be here . If it comes to that , I 'll look after you . " Can 't meet my eyes . " Yeah , and what are you going to tell Lily ? I bet she 's all over you now that you 're back home . What will she think when you tell her that you are taking in another woman to look after ? I bet that will go down great . " " I 'll tell her that the woman who saved my ass in the war , and my Commander , needs my help . So that 's what I 'm going to do . If she doesn 't like it , that 's on her . Not me . " She tries to look strong . Tremor in her hand . " Thanks , Lulu . " Looking over at her bed . " Can you help me back to my bed . I 'm kinda sleepy now . " I snap to attention , and salute . " Sleep well , ma ' am . " The greatest woman I have ever known , still a soldier . Even now , with her all mangled , I know that I 'm her lesser . That 's fine . It was paid for in blood . Posted on July 21 , 2016 by Lucien Reply They never tell you what it 's like , when you leave the battlefield and return to civilian life . I 've had so many comrades going home , and I honestly wonder if they are doing well . They said that they would be sending letters to me , so I suppose I 'll be able to see for myself if what they said is true . However , as I got off the train and headed down that dusty pavement path , I couldn 't help but wonder if they had the same feeling as I did . My hand sat on the hilt of my blade . It looked so regal on me now , but that wasn 't its purpose . That wasn 't the purpose it had served for me , during my days as a soldier . This weapon has blood on it . So much blood . It 's stained my hands , my dreams , my memories . Everything is stained , now . The first thing I notice is the wind . There is never , and I do mean never , not a breeze running through this place . In the summer , it is warm winds from the south , bringing rain and sunshine to the crops that grow . During the winter , it is bitter and terrible winds from the east and the north , biting cold and making you appreciate your hot garva that much more . It feels so good . The trees lining the road shake and I feel that hot air on me . It 's such a good feeling . Summer is coming to an end . The harvest will be happening soon . That means the Harvest Festival . Not a bad time to come home . Sheer chance , though . I was bound by my oath until the war ended . A motor vehicle passes by . The driver is some rowdy kid , clearly having just been given this new toy . Its not uncommon to see vehicles , even out here . We 're about 20 years behind the times of every place you 'll ever go . I pull the duffle across my back in tighter . It was slipping . Hearing my feet on the pavement , the wind on my face , my thoughts drift back to old memories . I come out past the trees , and see the wheat fields of several families . This brought something back . " I 'll ask when I hit you really hard ! " Her pace is quickening . It 's only a matter of time until she gets me . Dressed in her overalls , and her blue shirt , the indignant look on her face is adorable . I 'm running through the fields . Were I far enough ahead of her , I 'd lose her in it . It 's high enough now to hide . But I can 't stop . She 's too close , and the distance is getting slimmer . This might be bad . Perhaps . I have her book in my hand . It 's her favorite . Not my fault that the girl was reading it while I was talking . It was something really cool ! Not every day you see a traveling show ! But she just couldn 't tear herself away . She reads that book all the time ! It could wait . Said she was listening . I tested that . She failed . So I decided to make sure I had her attention . Just then , my feet contacted something . It was a rock . What was a rock doing out here in the field ? ! This was bad . I was falling , very quickly . However , there was a bright side . Turns out , she had been right behind me . So she was caught up in my falling . As I went down , she was right behind me . I landed on my stomach , with the book still in my hand . She was on her side . In a flash , she was up and on me . Her hand grabbed her book , and the two of us rolled around , neither wanting to let go . We grappled through the field , until neither of us could move . Both of us were breathing hard , still holding on to the book . I was now the one on top , smirking down on her . That 's when things got ugly . She threw dirt on my face . It got in my eyes . Hurt really bad . I fell back , crying out in pain . It was later that evening . I had gone home and was in my room for the rest of the day . That night , I was sitting on my bed , still hurt and eyes all puffy . That 's when I heard something hitting my window . It was a soft sound . I got up and walked over to see what it was . When I look down , I see her there . She 's shuffling her feet and looking at the ground . " I 'm sorry , about today . I didn 't mean to throw dirt in your face . I was just so mad about the book , and how you weren 't giving it back . " Finally , she looks up at me . " Do you forgive me ? " I wonder if she 's still in this town . Probably not . The girl wanted to be a machinist . For as long as I knew her , she was tinkering with things . Her mom said it wasn 't ladylike , but I always knew that her father liked it . He always had a little helper for when he was busy with stuff . Those two were so close . When he died , she was so torn up . Way I see it , she must have moved on from this little town years ago . Perhaps I could find her mom and figure out where she went . It would mean more travel , and I already got done with a series of train rides , but it was worth it . To see those who are important to you . The reason that we live , as an old war - buddy said . Another girl who I wondered how she is . I 'd get to see her soon . So far as I knew , she was still here . The other of a group of friends who went to fight , and only the two of us came back . Those are the bad memories that are with me . About an hour later , I 'm past the wheat fields , and now there is something new to greet me - the smell of citrus . The fields of fruit trees in front of me , it 's so beautiful . Would it be bad if I went and stole one of those fruits ? This close to the harvest , they have to be done . Didn 't care . I am going to take it . Hopping the fence , I walk into the rows of trees . I hear the workers not too far away . Reaching up , I grab one of the delicious red fruits . Hopping back onto the road , I peel the skin off and take a bite . It 's heaven ! After four years of military rations , I finally had fresh fruit again ! What bliss . What absolute bliss . This is better than sex . Of that , I am certain . Did I appreciate this enough when I was growing up ? If not , I was going to make up for that by gaining 50 pounds eating the stuff . Memories of the soup made from this fruit filled me with inexpressible joy . Or the desserts made with it . So much eating to catch up on ! This is where I see the big red farmhouse at the top of the hill . I 'd recognize it anywhere . In a town that you know everyone 's name , you learn all the landmarks . Growing up , I never lost my way because I always had that giant structure to welcome me home . When the sun goes down , you go back to your house . That was the rule . When the lot of us had been together . It was hard to resist the urge to take of running . The sun wasn 't going down , but it was getting pretty late . Every part of me just wants to take off running and hope that there 's a warm dinner waiting for me . All those feelings of childhood . Had it really been so long ago ? Felt like yesterday . Going past the hill , I see it there . The white fence of our home . The fields that my family tended to . We raised cows and pigs . I smile when I think about how much shit I 've ended up shifting out of the barn or the pens during the winter , when the animals can 't roam free . Looking out on to the vast ocean of green , the cows are all there , chewing or just lounging around . Such memories . I remember my little sister and big sister out with the dogs , herding them . Those girls were born to be farmers . I would wonder where they are now , but then I hear the sound of horses coming up the field . Moving quickly , I make behind a tree . Don 't want them to spoil the surprise for mom and dad . As I look out , I can tell who is who . Big sister , broad - shouldered and having a few extra pounds . Don 't let her looks fool you . That girl could probably damn - near lift that horse . The first child , and never far from the old man when work had to be done . I was the middle kid , so I got away with not being around . Being the middle child means you get ignored . Little sister is lithe , small , and has that bubbly smile on her face . I see her , and I 'm in awe . I leave and she 's this little kid who follows you around like a puppy . I come back , and she 's damn - near a woman ! I get the feeling that she is fighting boys off with a stick . Unless she digs the attention . Don 't like to speak ill of family , but it 's never enough attention for her . Girl was spoiled silly , growing up . Thankfully , she liked to do a lot of thinking . Girl wanted to go into Vernard City and study to become a Counselor . One day come back and run for Mayor of our town . That girl was going places . Not one person who met her didn 't like her . It was impossible . The two girls are giving each other shit about their riding , showing off . The cows look up and I can tell that even they are rolling their eyes . Once the two speed off , I decide to keep moving . It 's time to go home and give my parents a heart attack . This is going to be good . When I get to the front door , I don 't bother knocking . Using the " stealthy tactics " I learned in the military , I go inside and put down my duffle bag . There 's a smell coming from the kitchen , and I know that something amazing is happening . There is the sound of the old man snoring in his chair . He 's turning into his mother . She used to fall asleep in her chair , either reading a book or listening to the radio . In this case , I hear a metal game on the radio , with our home team up by ten points . There 's a little pride there , not that I ever cared about metal discus . One of the channelers in my unit had been a player . He talked about going back to that , when he got home . He actually has gotten the chance , since he walked away with all of his faculties intact . Moving into the kitchen , I hear a couple of voices . One is clearly my mother . The other is a young woman . Who could it be ? They are swapping rhunar pie recipes . Another thing that sounds pretty great . I peek in to see a girl with long , flowing blonde hair sitting in the chair . I can 't tell who it is . Then there 's my mother . She 's got her back to me , over the stove . It 's time ! I move in , not making a sound . Make sure the uniform is nice and gallant on me . Now I just wait . Don 't have to wait long . She turns around , with a spatula in her hand . It falls out of her hand . |
Her grief is not mine to share . Her sadness she must bear alone . I might as well be a million miles away from her as she holds her dad 's hands for the last few times . I can do nothing but wait for her to tell me it is over , wishing that I could be there by her side . He was the one who taught me there was a difference between NYC bagels and any other kind of bagel . It was the water , he said . He fed me cheese from his favorite NYC deli that he brought back every year . It was unlike any other cheese I had ever had . Did the cows have special NYC milk ? I even discovered there was such a thing as boxed wine because it was always in his fridge , waiting to be shared with friends and family , bringing people together . He welcomed me into his home and talked with grand gestures , his hands always moving , hugging , beckoning . He seemed larger than life to me and so . . . . Italian . Whenever I went to her house , I had the sense of being part of some extended family that I myself never had . When I was there , I was special , even if my teenage know - it - all attitude turned away and felt embarassed by his warmth . He is part memory , part reality from my youth that I struggle to remember . But he was there and soon he will not be . And I can not be there to share her pain . But I am here , thinking of her , holding her in the light as she holds up her step - mom and family ; but I am here , hoping he passes surrounded by love and warmth , his pain controlled and his family by his side . My daughter left yesterday for her first ever sleepaway camp . She 's going to be gone for a whole week . My stomach is in knots over fear that she will get homesick , or heatstroke , or snake bit . Basically I am afraid of everything and anything that I can think of that could happen . Her camp takes pictures and posts them on a private website . I keep checking back and all of her pictures show her smiling so I know she is fine . . . but . . . . . I ' M THE MOMMY ! ! ! ! As coincidence would have it one of our former church 's lifetime members died a few days ago . Now , this church has a new pastor but the pastor is not in town . He wasn 't in town two weeks ago when another member died and had to be buried by a complete stranger because the pastor 's back - up people failed to even call the family back . Hubby was contacted but it was too late for him to do that funeral . When this current member went into hospice last week , the first thing his daughter did was call Hubby . There was no way she was going to let her dad be buried by a stranger . Hubby , being the good pastor that he is , of course agreed to drive the 5 hours one way to our old town to perform the service . Luckily E 's camp was on the way to our old town . But since he had to continue on after he dropped her off , I had to stay home because I couldn 't spend the night in our told town since I had to work this morning . It made me sad that I didn 't get to see my daughter 's location . But , if you are keeping score , that left me all by myself in my house last night . Just me and the raptor . I am terrified of my neighborhood and hate being alone here at night . I tried not to freak out and even took an ativan to try to ward off the nerves . I finally got to sleep at midnight . I usually put the raptor away in his crate at night , but had let him fall asleep curled up next to me . About 1 : 35 AM I was awoken by a strange , repetitive beep . It took me a minute to come fully awake and locate the sound . It was my cell phone letting me know I had received a text . I got out of bed and grabbed my phone . I have had maybe 10 texts in my entire life . This one was from a number I didn 't recognize . It had just one word in the message : BITCH ! Just like that , in all capital letters . I freaked out . Did someone know I was alone and was trying to scare me ? Had the gang leader gotten my cell phone number and was he coming for me ? Was it just a coincidence ? I went to the computer to try to reverse look - up the number , but by the time my computer had finally turned fully on , the message was gone . There was no record of the phone number either . It was as if the call had never happened . I swear it did . I was awake because I had to get up OUT of bed to get my phone . Do texts just disappear ? Did I press erase by accident ? I was a mess . I called one of the people at church I know and asked her to come spend the night because I was afraid to stay by myself . She came over and I put the raptor away in his crate . About 15 minutes later he started to bark in his fiercest voice . My raptor NEVER barks when he is in his crate . The most he has ever done is growled at clothes I left hanging on the doorknob . But he was in full attack mode . I got up out of bed and walked around the house looking for whatever was upsetting him . I found nothing , finally got him settled and went back to bed . It 's that time of year again . The time of year when our church takes the children of the community and feeds them a dinner of totally white or brown carb - laden food and then sends them off to learn about JE - sus . Kids float through various stations being fed a type of crack music that stays in their heads for the rest of their lives , making plastic crafts that fuel the petroleum industry and pollute the environment , play slightly dangerous games that are supposed to represent the bible story of the day , and they even have a bible point for which they have a Pavlov dog - esque response . I despise VBS . Our vacation bible school also always has a skit each day . 4 of the 5 days they are silly and make the kids laugh , but for some reason the 4th day always involves some " dramatic " encounter with Jesus and the kids are encouraged to accept JE - sus as their personal savior and Christ . I have nothing against someone being " saved " I just hate the breathless anticipation with which the adults wait for this special night and the glazed over eyes of the people in the room . Last night was the 4th night and the directors of the VBS were beside themselves with excitement . Tonight was going to be even more exciting than last year when Jesus washed the children 's feet . ( I should probably stop here to state that the pastor traditionally plays Jesus in these scripts and it really creeps me out to see my husband playing him ) I tried to keep an open mind and turn off the mental screaming the professional director side of me was doing at seeing the haphazardly thrown together staging area . ) All of the lights were turned out and creepy music started playing . One of my 4 year - old girls rushed in fear to climb up on my lap when my husband , aka Jesus , appeared from behind a nailed up sheet . The VBS director started reading her script and when she got to the point where she said , " When Jesus died on that cross , he took away all your sins " the little girl whispered in my ear , " How ? " My question exactly . I can not comprehend how dying on a cross meant taking away our sins ( and please don 't try to explain it to me , if my Master 's in Theology husband can 't convince me , no one can ) . The VBS director is the woman in our church who controls everything . If something doesn 't get her approval first , she can make my Hubby 's life hell . She picks and picks and picks at everyone until they agree with her just because she has worn them down . Her husband is the one who accused me of lying about the gang leader living in our neighborhood and the other stuff that was happening . He also said I was spreading gossip . So you can imagine my glee when she was reading her script and came to the altar call part ( when children are asked to invite JE - sus into their hearts ) . The room was dark except for the light from behind the sheet making my Hubby 's shadow look like an angel . Everyone was silent and the kids ' heads were bowed . I could feel the rapture emanating from the adults until my little girl , who had just asked " How ? " farted . . . loudly . Have you ever been in a roomful of silent children when someone cuts the cheese ? The laughter that starts to swell takes over the room until everyone is in uncontrollable giggles . All of the kids were daring to laugh and ruining the director 's big moment . I heard her voice starting to screech just a little as she tried to control the kids , she just kept repeating " No . . . no . . . NO ! " Her big moment was ruined . I know I shouldn 't have enjoyed it so much , but I was in heaven . Kharma is a bitch . I am human and try really hard not to judge other people . That doesn 't mean I always succeed , but I always try . So you can imagine how hard it is for me to be held up to a higher standard of morals than anyone else . And I am beginning to think Facebook is the devil 's playground . Our church is having its vacation bible school this week and I am in charge of the 4 - 6 year olds . One of my cutest little girls really likes Hubby and yesterday asked him if he was a real pastor . Hubby said yes , he was a real pastor . Then this angelic little girl smiled at him with the most cherubic look you have ever seen and said , " My mommy calls my daddy a pastor sometimes . " I turned to Hubby and whispered , " Yeah , I bet that 's what she 's calling him . " Hubby and I cracked up ( if you don 't get it , add a - d - to the end and figure out what it rhymes with ) and I went to tell the little girl 's aunt what she had said . The aunt laughed and talked about how the girl 's family had attended the church up until a few years ago and maybe Hubby could talk to them and try to get them back . I told her that I would pass that on and I went back to my group . When I walked away from her I thought everything was fine . Hubby got home last night and posted the story on his Facebook page without names . We woke up to an email this mornng from the aunt livid that we had perpetuated this story . Now the girl 's family would never attend the church and she had to pray about it to see if she should tell the family what the girl said . She totally blew it out of proportion . Kids say things all the time to me and I only half listen to them . Plus , the girl could have been making things up or been confused with another word . It was just a cute story . Well , to make a long story short , this woman accused us of being out of line ( this church likes to accuse us of that a lot ) and said that she was pulling the little girl out of VBS . She is refusing to answer Hubby 's calls or our emails . I sent her an email apologizing for hurting her feelings , but letting her know when I walked away I thought everything was okay . I also told her that children say things like that all the time and adults love those stories , but no one believes them to be real reflections of what goes on at home . So , anyway , now I am wondering if I will be attacked by this woman ( the one who just happened to be the woman who provoked my rage when she said I must be glad I don 't have to work this summer ) , if she will spread gossip among the sheep or if we are really going to make it at this church . Because all of these congregants requested to friend us before we even moved here but use FB as a means of judging whatever we say . It 's like we 're not supposed to be human . And yes , I tightened the security on my FB page so tight that no church member will ever have access to it again . They can bitch and cry foul all they want . The line was crossed . This is going to be my last paranormal post for a while . Something came waltzing into my room two nights ago and nearly caused me a heart attack . It sounded like a child walked up to my bed and then made little chewing sounds . I 'm guessing remembering all of this stuff is opening me up to things again and I really don 't want to do that , but I don 't want to leave you hanging , either . So , maybe Charlitan can help me remember why , but somehow she and I ended up at PV 's house for some reason or another . I think we might have been picking something up , but I am not sure . But there I was in PV 's house talking to him and his lover . The sad thing was , his lover was a really nice guy . Flamboyant and cliche - edly gay , but sweet . He was also a little scared of PV , but he chose to stay because he said the sex was so good . Of course , PV claimed they actually levitated during sex , but that just tells you how insane he was . Anywho , Charlitan 's face suddenly drained of all color and she pointed to a picture on the wall . All four pair of eyes in the room turned to look at a 100 year old picture of a woman . Everyone looked at the picture , looked at me , looked at the picture and then just gasped . I was left standing there going , " What ? What is is ? " Charlitan said , " Muddy , that woman looks just like you . " The picture was of a woman a little older than me with long dark hair . The edges of the photo were browned and she wore a high - collared dress . I stared into her emotionless face and wondered how these people could think I looked like her . PV said , " You see it too , don 't you ? " And that 's when Charlitan grabbed me by my arm , made a quick excuse and dragged me out of the house . She called a friend of hers and arranged for me to meet him the next day . Apparently I needed a little masculine energy protection from PV . For several weeks before strange things had been happening . Charlitan had a dream about PV and woke up with a nasty nosebleed . My car suddenly stopped in the middle of the night on the OSU campus in a really not so nice spot . Luckily I had a few friends in that area and was able to call for help , but when help came , my car started just fine . A second story porch collapsed at a campus party I was supposed to be at but was running late to . But the weirdest thing was the costume I wore for the show . PV had rented this gorgeous period piece dress for my role in the show . He had rented a few costumes , but mine was the most elaborate and expensive . Only PV didn 't have the money to pay the rental fee . Late one night the costume house where the dress was rented from was burned down in an act of arson . Suddenly all fees were waived . Gee , I wonder who the arsonist was ? So the picture was just the last straw . Charlitan took me to her friend and the very first thing he said to me , before even " hello " , was that he wouldn 't want to meet me in a dark spiritual alley . Apparently he believed I was an old soul and a natural healer who could be threatening to those dabbling in black magic . Things were done , candles lit and I was protected . I left the theater company , although Charlitan ( who wasn 't really a lesbian at that time ) had a crush on one of the acting crew and stayed on for one more show . The threats seemed to dissipate but I was left exposed . For example , I was snuggled with Kevin on a couch one day , watching a movie , when out of nowhere I just blurted out , " Someone tried to kidnap you . " He was so surprised he almost pushed me off . Someone had tried to drag him into a van when he was 10 and he had never told anyone . A woman was pregnant and I told her she was going to have twins . She became upset at my insistence and told me she had had several ultrasounds and there was no twin . Two months later she delivered twins that had been lined up perfectly , one behind the other . My friend , the Assassin , when I had only known her 3 weeks , discovered her husband had a stage three brain tumor . I looked her right in the eye and told her he would be fine . And he was . He 's now cancer free 5 years . I could just tell . Even people I only know through the internet can touch me . Some of you leave comments and I think " Oh , that person needs . . . . " or " So and so is going through a really rough time right now . " To this day when Charlitan , who lives 5 states away from me , is going through something traumatic I can smell a certain scented candle that she used to love . Its my bat signal that she needs me . I know , it all seems crazy . You can choose to believe me or not . It 's okay . But I really don 't want any more night visitors for a while , so I think I 'll lay low on the paranormal stuff for a little bit . Your mind is a pretty powerful thing . It can make you do things you never thought you could do and it can hold you back when you really should be able to do something . And it can suck you into someone else 's drama in a heartbeat . And that 's what happened to me . I allowed myself to be sucked into someone else 's drama . Never . . . ever . . . allow a psychic vampire to draw you in . I can guarantee it will always end badly . The next day at rehearsal Charlitan stayed attached to my hip . We knew that PV was going to try to get hold of me and find out what I knew and didn 't know about all things spiritual . He was fascinated with the occult and ghosts and his own supposed power . Sure enough , as soon as he could , he came over and asked me what last night was all about . Our conversation started out fine because I knew the best way to deal with a PV was to get him talking about himself . I told him that I had seen a ghost but I knew he had already experienced it and asked him what he thought was going on . That set him off on a long diatribe about how the ghost had told him she had been shot by a jealous lover and that she was trying to prevent the show from going on in her theater , thus Carol 's accident . He even thought the ghost had possessed Carol and made her jump on the glass counter . Charlitan and I just kept taking tiny glances at each other trying to stifle the urge to cough into our hands while whispering " bullshit . " Our conversation continued as he told us all about the " coven " he was starting and how we would be great additions to it even though we weren 't " true " witches . He would teach us all we needed to know . Remember , I am not now nor was I ever a witch . I only know what Charlitan has taught me about witchcraft and , other than Tarot cards , we both insisted the only things I learned would be things that would protect me from outside forces , things non - witchy people , even Christian people unknowingly do every day to protect themselves . We gave him a non - committal answer and rehearsal started . Remember in Elise 's story where I mentioned if you let one paranormal thing into your conscience you open yourself up to any paranormal thing ? I had really never had a reason to worry about that . Even with everything that had happened in my life , I had never felt threatened or even really connected . But that night after rehearsal PV came up to give me a hug . He had never hugged me before and I had know idea why he was doing it then , but I allowed it . That was my big mistake . As he walked away I started having a severe pain in my side . And I started to feel flushed and hot . It was almost as if I was suddenly developing the flu . Things started getting fuzzy and it got to the point that I couldn 't stand up . We were all in the lobby and I didn 't want to make a scene , so Charlitan and I claimed to have left something in the theater and I went into the cool dark interior to lay down and hopefully let this pass . Only it didn 't pass , the pain in my side increased ten - fold . I was writhing on the floor gasping . I was so out of it I am not sure of the timeline , but I remember the ghost appeared at my head , sat down beside me and put her cool hand on my face . There was nothing malicious or evil about her and I could feel her concern . Charlitan began to suspect PV , in his idiocy , had tried to cast a spell on me for some unknown reason . She rolled up her sleeves and laid her hand on my side and went to work trying to remove his energy . Now this is where your mind comes in . I wasn 't aware at the time that Charlitan thought this was a spell . I was in so much pain I didn 't even know what she was doing . But as I laid there I began to feel people gather around me . I thought the cast had come in and I was horribly embarrassed . I heard murmurs and felt hands all over my body , trying to hold me down and prevent me from hurting myself . Gradually the pain receded and the hands fell away . The noises stopped and I was left sitting with Charlitan and the ghost woman . The ghost woman wasn 't as real as she had been the night before , but I could still feel her there . When I was finally able to sit up I asked Charlitan who had come in to help her . No one had . It had just been her . I looked around in disbelief . Surely SOMEONE had come in . But there was no one there . In fact , when we left the theater area , the only people left in the lobby where PV and his lover . PV hd a sarcastic little smile on his face which he quickly turned into a look of concern . I was pretty pissed by this time and , in a barely controlled voice , asked what the hell he had done to me . He was so excited that whatever he had done had worked . He said he didn 't mean to hurt me but he was so proud that he could do it . To this day I don 't know if he injected me with something , slipped something in my drink , or really cast a spell on me . All I knew is that I had become his target . When I was still in college the era of the New Age was in full swing . Everyone believed in the power of crystals , drank a lot of herbal tea and lit candles for peace and clarity . People were searching for a new religion and jumped on a very bad bandwagon . I don 't have a problem with the New Age philosophy , I have a problem with all of the people who dabbled in it and caused me all sorts of problems . During this time it became the in thing to claim to be a " pagan " or a " witch . " People rushed to book stores to buy books on magic , patchouli and jasmine , and to have their tarot cards read . This brought on a flood of misinformation . I am very distrustful to this day whenever I hear anyone call themselves a witch , or to claim to be pagan . I grill them on their beliefs and discard most of the people because they can 't answer the simplest question . One day while searching for information on Shadow People I found FreeDragon 's blog and had to read every single page she had ever written and engage her in a dialogue before I decided she would be someone I followed . ( Sorry Free ) I just didn 't want to become invested in someone who claimed to be something only to find out they dropped this supposedly important part of their life willy - nilly . I , myself , know how to read Tarot cards . I use to be quite good at it , not because I was skilled in the ways of magic , but because I have the ability to read people 's faces and sense hidden meaning behind the answers to my questions . I would make a very good schuyster . I also know a little about real paganism and witchcraft through my friendship with a real witch . Charlitan and I have been friends since I was 16 , although it was several years before I knew her religion . Charlitan didn 't like me at first . The day I met her , she took one look at me and thought I was a prissy judgmental wasp who needed a good shock . She walked up to me , grabbed my hand and in a slightly maniacal voice said , " Hi , I 'm Charlitan . I 'm a lesbian . " I shook her hand back and said , " Ok . . . I 'm Muddy . " The fact that she didn 't shock me at all threw her for a loop ( because she is even better than I am at judging character and had totally misjudged me ) and eventually we became inseparable . It was about this time in my life when I started to have trouble with my " gift " , but of course I was afraid to talk to anyone about it for fear that they would think I was crazy , or worse , jumping on the New Age bandwagon . Because of my empathetic nature I was becoming victim to psychic vampires . And when I say psychic vampires , I am not in the slightest way implying anyone bit my neck and drained my blood . One thing is not related to the other . We all have psychic vampires in our lives , sometimes we label them as Narcissitic Personality Disorder . Essentially a PV is anyone who drains your energy and gives you nothing back . People who are needy or in crisis are drawn to my earthy nature . Back then they would lean on me and I would give until it hurt . This all came to a head when Charlitan and I did a show together for a fledgling theater company run by a PV and his lover . PV was a slightly off - balance egotistical man who had discovered paganism and labeled himself as a powerful warlock . He was everything Charlitan despised so we both kept her beliefs secret . The space we were doing the show in was actually an old movie theater . It had been left to the elements and time and was in bad shape , so PV was able to rent it out for a very small fee . The weird thing was , however , that while the actually movie screen area was mouse - eaten , moldy and in extreme disrepair , the lobby still showed signs of its former heyday . The carpet , although flattened and worn with years of use , still held on to its beautiful red color . The candy counters held all of their glass and were trimmed in gold . But the piece de resistance was the woman 's restroom . It was gorgeous . There were at least 8 large stalls ( not the tiny ones where you can 't turn around in of today ) . There was a vanity counter where you could still imagine teenager girls gathering together , smoking cigarettes and touching up their makeup while discussing their chosen dates for the evening . And there was a large three - way mirror where you could see your entire outfit standing guard over the room . People definitely knew how to pee back then ! ' So , as you might imagine , there was a ghost attached to this place , too . Only the ghost wasn 't interested in me . One of my cast mates ( let 's call her Carol ) was a daughter of a local celebrity and she had a lot of issues . She resented her mother 's success and punished herself to no end to cause her mother grief . She drank too much , slept with nameless men and was reckless with her own personal safety . One day we walked into the bathroom together . While I was waiting for her to finish washing her hands ( you know how girls are ) I stepped into the three - way mirror to check my appearance . Imagine my surprise when the person looking back at me was not ME ! Never in my life had I actually SEEN SEEN a ghost . This was something so clear I could take her picture . It was tangible and real . I was so startled that I actually fell backwards . Carol turned to see what had happened and looked in the mirror . She could see the ghost too . She took off running out the door to tell everyone what had happened . I stood there for a minute looking at the woman . She watched Carol run out of the room and her face was contorted with sadness and concern . I exited the bathroom into a circle of people waiting for me to confirm what Carol had told them . I said I had seen the woman but just for a second . I wanted to downplay the event because I could see PV watching me with malice in his eyes . From the look on his face , I could tell my secret was out . Even though I never said anything , he didn 't like the fact that I appeared to have made contact with the other side . He was , after all , extremely powerful ( in his mind ) and I had just stolen his thunder . As I said , Carol was reckless . Later that evening after rehearsal , a group of us were gathered in the lobby discussing our plans for the evening . I could see PV turn to walk towards me and knew he wanted to discuss what had occured earlier . I was desperate to leave before he actually made it to me . At that moment , Carol , who had been leaning against the glass candy counter , put her hands on top of it and attempted to lift her body on top of it to sit . I felt a cold air blow past me as the ghost tried to stop her , but it was too late . Carol came crashing through the glass countertop and started bleeding profusely , huge jagged pieces of glass protruding from her thighs and butt . The chill in the air dissipated and I managed to bundle her carefully into my car and took her to the ER , escaping PV . I want to say I appreciate the comment Anonymous left on my Angel story . I walked away from that post feeling really exposed and somewhat cheesy . That 's the problem with talking about this stuff , it seems so made for tv that I wonder how anyone can take me seriously . So thanks , even though I still feel cheesy I appreciate that people seem to enjoy reading this . Today will be my last cheesy post . Charlitan has given me permission to talk about what went on for a few years in my life . The things that happened during that time are what started turning me away from all of this . None of that feels cheesy to me . But , I promised to talk to you about Ft . Hayes . I have a few readers from Ohio and if any of you are at all wondering if you might have some psychic connection I would suggest you go spend some time there walking around . You 'll definitely find out . Ft . Hayes is an old Civil War base that was used by the army for about 120 years . It started with the General 's Quarters and a shot tower and was added on to from there . While I was there I attended the theater program under the direction of a megalomaniac . Because of his personality , I was allowed to see inside a lot of the buildings that were officially off limits . He didn 't believe the rules applied to him or his golden children ( of which I was one . ) Now , you have to know , theater people are their own brand of people . We 're crazy , and I say that with love , but we 're also gullible . Every theater has a ghost and amazingly every ghost died the same way ( jumping from catwalk ) . You never say the name of the ghost or whistle because that calls the ghost and bad things will happen during your production . It 's all a bunch of hooey . But theater people are drawn to and believe in spirits . And when you get a group of people together who want to see a spirit , it is hard to separate fact from fantasy . Everyone claimed there was ghost in the shot tower . If there was , I never saw it . Everyone claimed there was a ghost in the theater ( the catwalk lady ) , if she was there she didn 't tell me . But one day we were doing a show about the Mexican War and something strange did happen . A group of us were sitting backstage waiting for a call to places . It was dark and we were all dressed in digustingly torn , dirty and ripped period clothes . Our sole male actor was in uniform . Suddenly this girl whom I didn 't really like ( although SHE is a published author now ) rushed in claiming to see a ghost . She swore a man in uniform was standing in the shop area and she was petrified . Of course we all rushed en masse to see this army ghost . No one saw anything and I brushed it off . I certainly didn 't think anything was there . The rest of the cast stayed huddled around her and I walked off towards my spot for places . I hate the drama that surrounds people who believe in ghosts ( believe it or not ) . So anyway , there I was standing in the wings and our male cast mate , dressed in his uniform , walked up behind me . I hissed at him to get out of here . He was supposed to be on the other side of the stage . And I looked over to the other side of the stage where he was supposed to be . . . and he was . I turned back and the man was gone . I think he was actually an outside spirit who had been confused by our militay bearing and drama . That 's the only ghost I ever sensed in the theater , but there 's lots of ghosts there on the property . There were some WWII barracks on the property that were supposed to be off - limits , but my theater teacher took us through them . That place was so haunted I struggled to walk through the building . I heard music from the 1940 's , I sensed young army men with slicked back hair , I could smell cigarette smoke and even sense bodies reading magazines on their bunks . It was the single most overwhelming psychic experience I had ever had . My head started to ache and I started to have trouble breathing . I told everyone it was my allergies and claustophobia , but it was really just whatever was left behind in that building . Also , if you go behind all of the educational buildings to the storage barrack and bus depot , there is one specific building where the theater department used to store our props . I went in there alone one time and was attacked by something . I kid you not , a cart was viciously shoved toward me , only there was nothing there . Things would be thrown and you could hear stomping . I think I saw the thing one time , and I say thing because there was nothing compassionate or human left in that spirit . I had made the mistake of closing the door behind me when I entered . When I tried to leave , the door was stuck and I was stuck inside . Luckily one of my friends had come with me and just stayed outside to smoke , or I really think something bad might have happened to me . I hated that place because it just oozed of evil . So there you are . If you live near Columbus stop by and see if you think I am right . If I 'm not , that 's okay , too . Tomorrow : when paganism and my " gift " collide . You know , it is amazing to me to think that the world has changed so much in 35 years that I am afraid to let my 8 year - old daughter walk to school by herself . Even if we lived in a nicer neighborhood , I 'm not sure I would do it . But by the time I was 6 and in 1st grade , I walked to school by myself . My brother had won a lottery slot and gotten into a very traditional and strict charter school which is what he needed for his learning disabilities . I would not get a slot until 2nd grade , which is good because it was definitely NOT what I needed . But anyway , at 6 years old my parents felt confident enough to let me walk alone the two blocks to my school . I remember some of it , but not much . I remember always walking by one particular house and using their low border wall as a balance beam . I remember stopping to strip someone 's gate of honeysuckle . And I remember the bridge . I seem to recall the bridge was more of an overpass for our quiet neighborhood . You could skid down a slanted cement wall and play at the bottom , which my friends and I did . The Vietnam War had just ended , so we did a lot of military maneuvers in that ditch . I was forced to be the nurse and I used to really resent that . I always had to treat the " wounded " soldiers instead of getting in there and fighting with cattails , or sticks or whatever we could find . And I was never allowed to go down there by myself , but I had to cross over the bridge to get to my school . Now two things coincide here and I am not sure if they relate . One , a woman was raped and stabbed in the ditch sometime while I lived there . She was a friend of my parents and I remember the whispered conversations they would have at night after they thought I fell asleep . So I know someone died there . But that 's not what I experienced . One day as I was walking over the bridge something caused me to turn back . A noise , a movement , a thought , I don 't know . But I turned back and " saw " ( sensed ? imagined ? ) a woman 's body hanging from the guard rail . She was bound with some sort of leather straps at her wrists and feet . I stood stock - still , unable to make my feet move . There was a gentle breeze blowing in the air and her body swayed ever so slightly . I knew she wasn 't real , but I also knew she was there . Just as I was about to take a step away from her and towards my school , she opened her eyes . I was caught , terrified and alone . Finally a car came by and broke my concentration and I was able to walk on . But every time I crossed that bridge , I could sense her . I refused to ever look again , but even today I can close my eyes and conjure up an image of her just hanging there , her neck broken and her head hanging low . I was so thankful when I was transferred to my brother 's school because I would not have to walk past her alone . This haunted me for years . We moved away from Columbus and I got older , but I never forgot my terror . Eventually my dad was transferred back to Columbus , but by this time I was a teenager . The day I got my driver 's license I took my car and drove back to my old neighborhood . I parked my car at the empty elementary school and started a slow walk towards my old house . When I came to the bridge I hesitated . I didn 't want to look , but I also didn 't sense anything . Relieved , I began to cross the bridge . I thought to myself that it was all just my imagination . I must have heard those conversations about the woman who had been stabbed and made it all up in my head . I know that seems strange for a 6 year old , but I had a very weird upbringing and I thought anything could be possible . I got to the other side feeling confident and happy . I didn 't need to go any farther , I had proven to myself that it had just been my imagination . How foolish I felt , but glad that now I could let the image go that had haunted me for 10 years . As I turned back I looked over the bridge , imagining how I used to play down in the now glass - filled , desolate ditch . It was then that I saw it . . . there on the wall . Graffiti , just stupid graffiti , I told myself . Only it wasn 't just graffiti . Someone had painted a beautiful winged angel bound in leather straps . The paint wasn 't brand new , but it wasn 't ten years old either . Someone had painted my vision but with wings . Did someone else sense her presence ? Was she their relative ? Was it all just a coincidence ? I 'll never know . But I haven 't forgotten her . . . ever . I was born in Columbus , Ohio . For the first three years of my life I lived in a half of a double in Clinton Heights . Clinton Heights then was a lovely little burb with neatly lined houses and well - tended yards . . . now , not so much . My mom tells me this story , but I don 't remember a bit of it . I am not a sleeper , never have been , never will be . My mom was so worried about me when I was a toddler that she even talked to my pediatrician about my lack of sleep . He told her that I was fine , she just had to make sure I had a set schedule that allowed for sleep and that during that time I had to know I had to stay in my room by myself . So that 's what my mom did . I could do whatever I wanted from 7 : 00 to 7 : 00 in my room as long as I didn 't leave it . My mom talks about how in the beginning , in the middle of the night , she would hear the toys in my room moving , only I was in a crib and couldn 't reach them . Remember , I 'm 40 , this was before electronic toys . When I was old enough to have a toddler bed , she would hear me in the middle of the night and would peek into my room to find me sitting on the floor , playing with toys that had been put away and I couldn 't have reached , happily chatting away with someone . I was never afraid of this " person " and I was a happy - enough child , so she choose to just let it be . Things didn 't get weird until it was time to move out of my first house to another house in Clinton Heights . This was a three story house , with our playroom in the attic . My mom was downstairs packing boxes and she would hear someone walking , stomping actually , in the playroom even though my brother and I weren 't up there . The closer we got to moving , the louder and angrier the noises got . My brother , who was three years older than me , was terrified and refused to go into the playroom . One day when she heard something crash and break , my mom decided enough was enough . Now , my mom thought very little of the fact that I seemed to attract spirits , this was common in her family . So she marched upstairs to talk to the spirit ( She always suspected it was her grandfather for some reason ) . She told him that she had been very understanding about his presence and never stopped him from playing with me , but he had drawn the line when he had scared my brother . When my mom tells this story , she still uses her best motherly tone . She claims she said something to the effect of , " I 'm sorry you are upset that we are leaving , but that 's just how it is . If you can 't be nice and stop scaring my son , then you are not welcome here . " And just like that it stopped . Hmmm . . . everybody seems to be really fascinated with the paranormal stuff . There 's two things that kind of hold me back from talking more about it . The first is that I try really hard to maintain a high level of truthfulness on my blog ( believe it or not ) and so I try to only write about the things that I can verify through someone or something else . The woman at the pink house was a verified experience because someone who knows nothing about me confirmed what I thought I was experiencing . I told Elise 's story because it was unfolding in front of me in the news . The wolf thing at Old Man 's Cave was experienced by Hubby . The dead body I found , well , I can 't confirm what I heard or felt , but I think the fact that I found her speaks for itself . A lot of my experiences can 't be confirmed and are so strange that I am left to wonder if they are real or merely my overly creative and dramatic imagination . BUT . . . . I will be happy to share some of those things as long as it is understood that I do not ask YOU to believe anything I say and that you are free to think I am full of it . For all I know , I might be . Integrity is important to me and I don 't want anyone thinking I am trying to pass myself off as something I am not . I think there are people in this world who are truly gifted and psychic , but I do not claim to be one of them , nor do I want to cause someone else to doubt them because of the wild things I might talk about . Their lives are hard enough already , if my little talent is but a shred of what they experience . The second thing that holds me back is that during the most " sensitive " period of my life there was another person involved who might not want me to tell her stories . There was a time when I felt I needed to be protected from the things I was experiencing and she acted as my guide , so to speak . I was physically being hurt by things I could not see or control and she was able to act as a wall between me and the things . But I have too much respect for her to go someplace she might not want to be right now . She has enough crap going on in her life , I don 't want to uncork another bottle and give her more grief . And we might remember things differently . Apparently I didn 't even get my own story right about my conversation with Hubby when we decided to become a pastoral couple . He 's going to write his own version of what happened when he has time . He 's in the middle of planning a funeral right now . But once he told me , I went , " OHHHHHH ! ! ! ! OOOPPPSSS ! ! ! " I wasn 't horribly far off , but people have different perspectives . So I no longer actually live near the coast . I live in an area surrounded by water that leads to the ocean , but CountryTime is more of a river city than anything else . Everyone here ( but us ) has a kayak or sea - doo or boat , has lived near the water 's edge for generations and there is even a dialect that arises from this area that reminds me of my adventures to other countries . It 's a lot like living in a warmer climate Northern Exposure . Every day I walk the raptor and sometimes my path takes me down to the river . The river road curves around and I pass the former mayor 's house , the Admiral 's house , then the crazy artist 's house until I get to the pink house . I 've seen this house at least 4 times a week since we got the dog and it is always the same for me . The house is one of the oldest houses around with multiple additions built on over the years . But even with the add - ons , the original structure is still quite obvious . It 's a Federal house with the tiny slat siding . The original free standing kitchen has now been connected by a newer room and there is both a main porch and second floor balcony . It 's run - down , the paint peeling , the tin roof tinged green with age , but there 's something about it . Whenever I walk past on warm days I sense someone . It 's a washerwoman on the second floor balcony looking down at me . I can 't truly " see " her , but I know she is not completely white - skinned , but nor is she black . I imagine she has skin the color of a rich , golden leather . She never seems to be smiling , always stern , and I wonder what made her this way and why she stays . I also have the sensation of hearing sheets flapping in the wind , hung out on a line to dry . I always wondered why there are so many sheets . I can sense rows and rows of them , hanging there , perfectly white but worn . Too many sheets for a family that would have lived in this house . The woman seems to be standing guard , making sure her sheets are left untouched as well as the inhabitants of the house . Several weeks ago I am stopped as I walk by the woman who liPosted by So Hubby , last night after reading my blog , bemoaned the fact that " I left out so much . " I could dedicate a new entire blog to our first 5 years of marriage , but then I would never get to the story of how I actually became a pastor 's wife , and really , that 's how all of this started . So here 's the first five years in a nutshell . We hated the city that held the Most Expensive Seminary in the World . H - A - T - E - D it ! It was a scary and violent place . We both held decent jobs but Hubby 's boss was abusive . And mine , well , mine is another story in and of itself . So without a job or much of a savings between us , we moved to a little second floor apartment on a coastal barrier island to start over . There we proceeded to get whamped by hurricanes . Not one , not two , but three hurricanes . When our second floor apartment became a first floor apartment by way of storm surge and rats moved into our stove shortly afterwards , we decided buy a house and move a little more inland to Pop . 259 . Just a few weeks after moving inland I was in a death - defying car accident . A 70 year old woman who had had a stroke just two weeks before AND HAD NO SIGHT IN HER LEFT EYE , stopped at a stop sign and then pulled out in front of me while I was going 55 mph . I crashed into her and almost sent her into the intracoastal waterway . We decided to get pregnant after I healed and had our first miscarriage on my 30th birthday . Hubby sold life insurance but hated it and I worked at a tiny little pharmacy and loved my customers but hated my boss . All the while we were attending this very old , red brick church with the most beautiful stained glass windows and a dying congregation . Hubby suffered from depression and I would find him hiding out in the house playing tetris . Something had to change . He had to find something that made him happy . One day the pastor delivered a sermon about answering God 's call . I don 't really listen to the sermons ( even my husband 's ) . I don 't know why , probably because I am not biblically knowledgeable . I 'll make grocery lists in my Posted by I really didn 't mean to make you wait so long for the next part of the story . I have a new play being performed in a few weeks that I really had to finish since the actors needed it to learn their lines . Anywho , Hubby bundled me up in the middle of the night in the coldest winter in 150 years and drove me to the emergency room . Head injuries with bloody noses get fairly quick attention so I was whooshed back into a room and then made to wait . . . . and wait . . . . and , well you get the picture . Meanwhile I was going on about 8 hours without having eaten anything and my head was throbbing and my blood sugar was crashing . Hubby was like a centurion guard , watching over my every need , fetching me orange juice , asking questions of the doctor who would periodically come to check on me to make sure I hadn 't lapsed into a coma . When I was taken to x - ray he tried his hardest to be allowed to sit with me WHILE they took the x - ray . Thankfully the technician was more hard - assed than Hubby and made him wait outside . But as soon as she closed the door , she turned to me and said , " I hope you know that one 's special . He 's definitely a keeper . " Oh , by the way , my little hospital visit diagnosis ? I swear to you , the doctor walked into the room with my x - rays in hand and said , " Do you want to know what 's wrong with you ? You got the snot knocked out of you . " Have you ever had a doctor tell you that you had the snot knocked out of you ? Um . . . yeah , I could have told you that . But that was it . I had a mild concussion and was sent home at 2 : 00 AM with an RX for painkillers that Hubby got filled for me before I went home . It was that night that I realized I was truly in trouble . He was leaving and there was nothing I could do to stop him . Our time together went so quickly , that before I knew what had happened , it was April and I tried not to cry as I watched him drive away in his car , heading towards Louisiana where his real job was . That night I sobbed myself to sleep . I had known that day was coming and I had promised to let him go , but it just hurPosted by From that day on we were inseparable . I got out of rehearsal or shows at 10 : 00 at night and he would meet me at the theater . We would go out to eat , or walk , or just back to my house for wine and conversation . Unless he was out of town we never spent the night apart again for the rest of his 6 weeks in Columbus . Hubby was only in town temporarily to do an audit for his company . The audit turned up massive corruption in the office and he had to stay on to hire and train new staff . So I took those six weeks as a gift . I knew I was falling in love with him , but I had learned he had a fiancee ( who after 3 years kept pushing the wedding date farther into the future ) and I didn 't have time for a long - term commitment . I was an actress with a soon - to - be - successful theater company . And ke knew he was falling in love with me , but he had made a promise to another woman . But those 6 weeks were magical . He sent me white daisies on my birthday without ever being told that they are my favorite flower . He knew I wasn 't eating very much because my theater had weigh - ins , so he would bring me coffee and a healthy muffin from the local market . I would hold his face in my lap and rub the tension of his day away and sing to him . It was all very indie - film romantic . Then one day I was at rehearsal and something happened . The set consisted of multi - level platforms and the actors had to run and leap from platform to platform in a very carefully choreographed pattern . During one very dark scene I lept from my old position for my new position , only to find another actor had become confused and was in the wrong place . I crashed into his shoulder with all my weight and the full force of my nose and head . Everything went dark for a second but I kept going until the end of the scene . I was in massive pain and rehearsal was called for the night . Hubby and I went back to my apartment but I couldn 't sleep because the pain was so intense and then my nose started to bleed lightly . So at about midnight , Hubby bundled me up and took me to the emergency rPosted by I finally managed to push his comatose drunken body off of me and I rolled onto my side in a fetal position , trying to stay as close to the edge ( and as far away from him ) as possible . What had I done ? Sure , he seemed like a nice enough guy . Sure , I had talked to him a few times at the bank . Sure , he was very cute . But . . . WHAT HAD I DONE ? I never had one night stands . Was he going to think I was easy ? Was he going to believe me when I told him this was never going to happen again ? And it wasn 't going to happen again . I was too focused on my career to get involved with someone . Plus , he was only in town for a few weeks . I certainly didn 't want to get involved only to get my heart broken . The next morning I sent him on his way with an awkward , cold , polite kiss . He asked if he could see me that night and I told him I didn 't know . This wasn 't like me and I didn 't want him getting the wrong idea . But he told me he would call me later and left . When he called me later I hesitated before answering the phone . What was proper etiquette in this situation ? If I went out with him on a real date , would it lessen the sting for me that I had slept with a stranger ? Or was I just encouraging his false belief that I was going to sleep with him again . In the end my need to justify the situation won over and I agreed to go to dinner with him that night . . . on one condition . I told him flat out that there would be no sex . If he wanted to go out on a date me then we had to back up and start over . He picked me up that night after my show and took me to a local restaurant that we could walk to from my apartment . He refrained from drinking that night and I got to see the real him . He was nice and polite and funny . He opened doors for me and when I walked through he put his hand on the small of my back to guide me . I love that , when a man puts his hand on the small of your back , it makes me feel so protected . We talked about everything . I told him about my acting and my family . He told me about his small hometown and his deep religious belief . Posted by We pulled up into the back alley that led to my house . I lived in a half of a 150 year - old double in German Village . We had a little garage / shed that I had left my car in so I had to leave his car parked behind it , exposed to the night elements and the night people . Now you have to realize , I was a feisty 22 year - old who adored my little corner of the world . It was quaint and quirky and I was surrounded by my kind of people . My next door neighbors were a little old couple who had been married for over 50 years . The other half of my double was rented by 2 professional ( and cute ) straight yuppie guys who worked for the same bank I did . Across the street was a flamboyant 6 ' 5 " tall gay black man who regularly wore bright fuschia leg warmers and a violet ripped up dance shirt named Maurice ( I 'm not making that name up ) . Two doors down was the local German pub where you could do the chicken dance AND pick up a man , a woman , a couple , whatever your pleasure was for the night . But of course , there were also the shady rednecks and gang members who stalked the alleys looking for someone to rob . Hubby is ultimately from the smallest town in Florida ( even though he has lived in several big cities ) and he was aghast at the thought of leaving his car in my alley . In fact he made some comment about how dangerous it was and I just about left him outside to fend for himself . I loved my house and my neighborhood and didn 't appreciate him being so disrespectful . BUT . . . . he smelled so good . So I dragged him inside and hollered for my two roommates . The sound of my voice echoed through the cavernous three story brick house . No one answered . There it was . I was all alone with this drunken man I barely knew . I was in trouble . I immediately went to the back of the house where the tiny little kitchen was located and started a pot of my raspberry flavored coffee that I bought freshly ground from the little coffee shop down the street . Believe it or not , for a brief period of my life , my house was the place to gather . People filtered in and outPosted by |
Her grief is not mine to share . Her sadness she must bear alone . I might as well be a million miles away from her as she holds her dad 's hands for the last few times . I can do nothing but wait for her to tell me it is over , wishing that I could be there by her side . He was the one who taught me there was a difference between NYC bagels and any other kind of bagel . It was the water , he said . He fed me cheese from his favorite NYC deli that he brought back every year . It was unlike any other cheese I had ever had . Did the cows have special NYC milk ? I even discovered there was such a thing as boxed wine because it was always in his fridge , waiting to be shared with friends and family , bringing people together . He welcomed me into his home and talked with grand gestures , his hands always moving , hugging , beckoning . He seemed larger than life to me and so . . . . Italian . Whenever I went to her house , I had the sense of being part of some extended family that I myself never had . When I was there , I was special , even if my teenage know - it - all attitude turned away and felt embarassed by his warmth . He is part memory , part reality from my youth that I struggle to remember . But he was there and soon he will not be . And I can not be there to share her pain . But I am here , thinking of her , holding her in the light as she holds up her step - mom and family ; but I am here , hoping he passes surrounded by love and warmth , his pain controlled and his family by his side . My daughter left yesterday for her first ever sleepaway camp . She 's going to be gone for a whole week . My stomach is in knots over fear that she will get homesick , or heatstroke , or snake bit . Basically I am afraid of everything and anything that I can think of that could happen . Her camp takes pictures and posts them on a private website . I keep checking back and all of her pictures show her smiling so I know she is fine . . . but . . . . . I ' M THE MOMMY ! ! ! ! As coincidence would have it one of our former church 's lifetime members died a few days ago . Now , this church has a new pastor but the pastor is not in town . He wasn 't in town two weeks ago when another member died and had to be buried by a complete stranger because the pastor 's back - up people failed to even call the family back . Hubby was contacted but it was too late for him to do that funeral . When this current member went into hospice last week , the first thing his daughter did was call Hubby . There was no way she was going to let her dad be buried by a stranger . Hubby , being the good pastor that he is , of course agreed to drive the 5 hours one way to our old town to perform the service . Luckily E 's camp was on the way to our old town . But since he had to continue on after he dropped her off , I had to stay home because I couldn 't spend the night in our told town since I had to work this morning . It made me sad that I didn 't get to see my daughter 's location . But , if you are keeping score , that left me all by myself in my house last night . Just me and the raptor . I am terrified of my neighborhood and hate being alone here at night . I tried not to freak out and even took an ativan to try to ward off the nerves . I finally got to sleep at midnight . I usually put the raptor away in his crate at night , but had let him fall asleep curled up next to me . About 1 : 35 AM I was awoken by a strange , repetitive beep . It took me a minute to come fully awake and locate the sound . It was my cell phone letting me know I had received a text . I got out of bed and grabbed my phone . I have had maybe 10 texts in my entire life . This one was from a number I didn 't recognize . It had just one word in the message : BITCH ! Just like that , in all capital letters . I freaked out . Did someone know I was alone and was trying to scare me ? Had the gang leader gotten my cell phone number and was he coming for me ? Was it just a coincidence ? I went to the computer to try to reverse look - up the number , but by the time my computer had finally turned fully on , the message was gone . There was no record of the phone number either . It was as if the call had never happened . I swear it did . I was awake because I had to get up OUT of bed to get my phone . Do texts just disappear ? Did I press erase by accident ? I was a mess . I called one of the people at church I know and asked her to come spend the night because I was afraid to stay by myself . She came over and I put the raptor away in his crate . About 15 minutes later he started to bark in his fiercest voice . My raptor NEVER barks when he is in his crate . The most he has ever done is growled at clothes I left hanging on the doorknob . But he was in full attack mode . I got up out of bed and walked around the house looking for whatever was upsetting him . I found nothing , finally got him settled and went back to bed . It 's that time of year again . The time of year when our church takes the children of the community and feeds them a dinner of totally white or brown carb - laden food and then sends them off to learn about JE - sus . Kids float through various stations being fed a type of crack music that stays in their heads for the rest of their lives , making plastic crafts that fuel the petroleum industry and pollute the environment , play slightly dangerous games that are supposed to represent the bible story of the day , and they even have a bible point for which they have a Pavlov dog - esque response . I despise VBS . Our vacation bible school also always has a skit each day . 4 of the 5 days they are silly and make the kids laugh , but for some reason the 4th day always involves some " dramatic " encounter with Jesus and the kids are encouraged to accept JE - sus as their personal savior and Christ . I have nothing against someone being " saved " I just hate the breathless anticipation with which the adults wait for this special night and the glazed over eyes of the people in the room . Last night was the 4th night and the directors of the VBS were beside themselves with excitement . Tonight was going to be even more exciting than last year when Jesus washed the children 's feet . ( I should probably stop here to state that the pastor traditionally plays Jesus in these scripts and it really creeps me out to see my husband playing him ) I tried to keep an open mind and turn off the mental screaming the professional director side of me was doing at seeing the haphazardly thrown together staging area . ) All of the lights were turned out and creepy music started playing . One of my 4 year - old girls rushed in fear to climb up on my lap when my husband , aka Jesus , appeared from behind a nailed up sheet . The VBS director started reading her script and when she got to the point where she said , " When Jesus died on that cross , he took away all your sins " the little girl whispered in my ear , " How ? " My question exactly . I can not comprehend how dying on a cross meant taking away our sins ( and please don 't try to explain it to me , if my Master 's in Theology husband can 't convince me , no one can ) . The VBS director is the woman in our church who controls everything . If something doesn 't get her approval first , she can make my Hubby 's life hell . She picks and picks and picks at everyone until they agree with her just because she has worn them down . Her husband is the one who accused me of lying about the gang leader living in our neighborhood and the other stuff that was happening . He also said I was spreading gossip . So you can imagine my glee when she was reading her script and came to the altar call part ( when children are asked to invite JE - sus into their hearts ) . The room was dark except for the light from behind the sheet making my Hubby 's shadow look like an angel . Everyone was silent and the kids ' heads were bowed . I could feel the rapture emanating from the adults until my little girl , who had just asked " How ? " farted . . . loudly . Have you ever been in a roomful of silent children when someone cuts the cheese ? The laughter that starts to swell takes over the room until everyone is in uncontrollable giggles . All of the kids were daring to laugh and ruining the director 's big moment . I heard her voice starting to screech just a little as she tried to control the kids , she just kept repeating " No . . . no . . . NO ! " Her big moment was ruined . I know I shouldn 't have enjoyed it so much , but I was in heaven . Kharma is a bitch . I am human and try really hard not to judge other people . That doesn 't mean I always succeed , but I always try . So you can imagine how hard it is for me to be held up to a higher standard of morals than anyone else . And I am beginning to think Facebook is the devil 's playground . Our church is having its vacation bible school this week and I am in charge of the 4 - 6 year olds . One of my cutest little girls really likes Hubby and yesterday asked him if he was a real pastor . Hubby said yes , he was a real pastor . Then this angelic little girl smiled at him with the most cherubic look you have ever seen and said , " My mommy calls my daddy a pastor sometimes . " I turned to Hubby and whispered , " Yeah , I bet that 's what she 's calling him . " Hubby and I cracked up ( if you don 't get it , add a - d - to the end and figure out what it rhymes with ) and I went to tell the little girl 's aunt what she had said . The aunt laughed and talked about how the girl 's family had attended the church up until a few years ago and maybe Hubby could talk to them and try to get them back . I told her that I would pass that on and I went back to my group . When I walked away from her I thought everything was fine . Hubby got home last night and posted the story on his Facebook page without names . We woke up to an email this mornng from the aunt livid that we had perpetuated this story . Now the girl 's family would never attend the church and she had to pray about it to see if she should tell the family what the girl said . She totally blew it out of proportion . Kids say things all the time to me and I only half listen to them . Plus , the girl could have been making things up or been confused with another word . It was just a cute story . Well , to make a long story short , this woman accused us of being out of line ( this church likes to accuse us of that a lot ) and said that she was pulling the little girl out of VBS . She is refusing to answer Hubby 's calls or our emails . I sent her an email apologizing for hurting her feelings , but letting her know when I walked away I thought everything was okay . I also told her that children say things like that all the time and adults love those stories , but no one believes them to be real reflections of what goes on at home . So , anyway , now I am wondering if I will be attacked by this woman ( the one who just happened to be the woman who provoked my rage when she said I must be glad I don 't have to work this summer ) , if she will spread gossip among the sheep or if we are really going to make it at this church . Because all of these congregants requested to friend us before we even moved here but use FB as a means of judging whatever we say . It 's like we 're not supposed to be human . And yes , I tightened the security on my FB page so tight that no church member will ever have access to it again . They can bitch and cry foul all they want . The line was crossed . This is going to be my last paranormal post for a while . Something came waltzing into my room two nights ago and nearly caused me a heart attack . It sounded like a child walked up to my bed and then made little chewing sounds . I 'm guessing remembering all of this stuff is opening me up to things again and I really don 't want to do that , but I don 't want to leave you hanging , either . So , maybe Charlitan can help me remember why , but somehow she and I ended up at PV 's house for some reason or another . I think we might have been picking something up , but I am not sure . But there I was in PV 's house talking to him and his lover . The sad thing was , his lover was a really nice guy . Flamboyant and cliche - edly gay , but sweet . He was also a little scared of PV , but he chose to stay because he said the sex was so good . Of course , PV claimed they actually levitated during sex , but that just tells you how insane he was . Anywho , Charlitan 's face suddenly drained of all color and she pointed to a picture on the wall . All four pair of eyes in the room turned to look at a 100 year old picture of a woman . Everyone looked at the picture , looked at me , looked at the picture and then just gasped . I was left standing there going , " What ? What is is ? " Charlitan said , " Muddy , that woman looks just like you . " The picture was of a woman a little older than me with long dark hair . The edges of the photo were browned and she wore a high - collared dress . I stared into her emotionless face and wondered how these people could think I looked like her . PV said , " You see it too , don 't you ? " And that 's when Charlitan grabbed me by my arm , made a quick excuse and dragged me out of the house . She called a friend of hers and arranged for me to meet him the next day . Apparently I needed a little masculine energy protection from PV . For several weeks before strange things had been happening . Charlitan had a dream about PV and woke up with a nasty nosebleed . My car suddenly stopped in the middle of the night on the OSU campus in a really not so nice spot . Luckily I had a few friends in that area and was able to call for help , but when help came , my car started just fine . A second story porch collapsed at a campus party I was supposed to be at but was running late to . But the weirdest thing was the costume I wore for the show . PV had rented this gorgeous period piece dress for my role in the show . He had rented a few costumes , but mine was the most elaborate and expensive . Only PV didn 't have the money to pay the rental fee . Late one night the costume house where the dress was rented from was burned down in an act of arson . Suddenly all fees were waived . Gee , I wonder who the arsonist was ? So the picture was just the last straw . Charlitan took me to her friend and the very first thing he said to me , before even " hello " , was that he wouldn 't want to meet me in a dark spiritual alley . Apparently he believed I was an old soul and a natural healer who could be threatening to those dabbling in black magic . Things were done , candles lit and I was protected . I left the theater company , although Charlitan ( who wasn 't really a lesbian at that time ) had a crush on one of the acting crew and stayed on for one more show . The threats seemed to dissipate but I was left exposed . For example , I was snuggled with Kevin on a couch one day , watching a movie , when out of nowhere I just blurted out , " Someone tried to kidnap you . " He was so surprised he almost pushed me off . Someone had tried to drag him into a van when he was 10 and he had never told anyone . A woman was pregnant and I told her she was going to have twins . She became upset at my insistence and told me she had had several ultrasounds and there was no twin . Two months later she delivered twins that had been lined up perfectly , one behind the other . My friend , the Assassin , when I had only known her 3 weeks , discovered her husband had a stage three brain tumor . I looked her right in the eye and told her he would be fine . And he was . He 's now cancer free 5 years . I could just tell . Even people I only know through the internet can touch me . Some of you leave comments and I think " Oh , that person needs . . . . " or " So and so is going through a really rough time right now . " To this day when Charlitan , who lives 5 states away from me , is going through something traumatic I can smell a certain scented candle that she used to love . Its my bat signal that she needs me . I know , it all seems crazy . You can choose to believe me or not . It 's okay . But I really don 't want any more night visitors for a while , so I think I 'll lay low on the paranormal stuff for a little bit . Your mind is a pretty powerful thing . It can make you do things you never thought you could do and it can hold you back when you really should be able to do something . And it can suck you into someone else 's drama in a heartbeat . And that 's what happened to me . I allowed myself to be sucked into someone else 's drama . Never . . . ever . . . allow a psychic vampire to draw you in . I can guarantee it will always end badly . The next day at rehearsal Charlitan stayed attached to my hip . We knew that PV was going to try to get hold of me and find out what I knew and didn 't know about all things spiritual . He was fascinated with the occult and ghosts and his own supposed power . Sure enough , as soon as he could , he came over and asked me what last night was all about . Our conversation started out fine because I knew the best way to deal with a PV was to get him talking about himself . I told him that I had seen a ghost but I knew he had already experienced it and asked him what he thought was going on . That set him off on a long diatribe about how the ghost had told him she had been shot by a jealous lover and that she was trying to prevent the show from going on in her theater , thus Carol 's accident . He even thought the ghost had possessed Carol and made her jump on the glass counter . Charlitan and I just kept taking tiny glances at each other trying to stifle the urge to cough into our hands while whispering " bullshit . " Our conversation continued as he told us all about the " coven " he was starting and how we would be great additions to it even though we weren 't " true " witches . He would teach us all we needed to know . Remember , I am not now nor was I ever a witch . I only know what Charlitan has taught me about witchcraft and , other than Tarot cards , we both insisted the only things I learned would be things that would protect me from outside forces , things non - witchy people , even Christian people unknowingly do every day to protect themselves . We gave him a non - committal answer and rehearsal started . Remember in Elise 's story where I mentioned if you let one paranormal thing into your conscience you open yourself up to any paranormal thing ? I had really never had a reason to worry about that . Even with everything that had happened in my life , I had never felt threatened or even really connected . But that night after rehearsal PV came up to give me a hug . He had never hugged me before and I had know idea why he was doing it then , but I allowed it . That was my big mistake . As he walked away I started having a severe pain in my side . And I started to feel flushed and hot . It was almost as if I was suddenly developing the flu . Things started getting fuzzy and it got to the point that I couldn 't stand up . We were all in the lobby and I didn 't want to make a scene , so Charlitan and I claimed to have left something in the theater and I went into the cool dark interior to lay down and hopefully let this pass . Only it didn 't pass , the pain in my side increased ten - fold . I was writhing on the floor gasping . I was so out of it I am not sure of the timeline , but I remember the ghost appeared at my head , sat down beside me and put her cool hand on my face . There was nothing malicious or evil about her and I could feel her concern . Charlitan began to suspect PV , in his idiocy , had tried to cast a spell on me for some unknown reason . She rolled up her sleeves and laid her hand on my side and went to work trying to remove his energy . Now this is where your mind comes in . I wasn 't aware at the time that Charlitan thought this was a spell . I was in so much pain I didn 't even know what she was doing . But as I laid there I began to feel people gather around me . I thought the cast had come in and I was horribly embarrassed . I heard murmurs and felt hands all over my body , trying to hold me down and prevent me from hurting myself . Gradually the pain receded and the hands fell away . The noises stopped and I was left sitting with Charlitan and the ghost woman . The ghost woman wasn 't as real as she had been the night before , but I could still feel her there . When I was finally able to sit up I asked Charlitan who had come in to help her . No one had . It had just been her . I looked around in disbelief . Surely SOMEONE had come in . But there was no one there . In fact , when we left the theater area , the only people left in the lobby where PV and his lover . PV hd a sarcastic little smile on his face which he quickly turned into a look of concern . I was pretty pissed by this time and , in a barely controlled voice , asked what the hell he had done to me . He was so excited that whatever he had done had worked . He said he didn 't mean to hurt me but he was so proud that he could do it . To this day I don 't know if he injected me with something , slipped something in my drink , or really cast a spell on me . All I knew is that I had become his target . When I was still in college the era of the New Age was in full swing . Everyone believed in the power of crystals , drank a lot of herbal tea and lit candles for peace and clarity . People were searching for a new religion and jumped on a very bad bandwagon . I don 't have a problem with the New Age philosophy , I have a problem with all of the people who dabbled in it and caused me all sorts of problems . During this time it became the in thing to claim to be a " pagan " or a " witch . " People rushed to book stores to buy books on magic , patchouli and jasmine , and to have their tarot cards read . This brought on a flood of misinformation . I am very distrustful to this day whenever I hear anyone call themselves a witch , or to claim to be pagan . I grill them on their beliefs and discard most of the people because they can 't answer the simplest question . One day while searching for information on Shadow People I found FreeDragon 's blog and had to read every single page she had ever written and engage her in a dialogue before I decided she would be someone I followed . ( Sorry Free ) I just didn 't want to become invested in someone who claimed to be something only to find out they dropped this supposedly important part of their life willy - nilly . I , myself , know how to read Tarot cards . I use to be quite good at it , not because I was skilled in the ways of magic , but because I have the ability to read people 's faces and sense hidden meaning behind the answers to my questions . I would make a very good schuyster . I also know a little about real paganism and witchcraft through my friendship with a real witch . Charlitan and I have been friends since I was 16 , although it was several years before I knew her religion . Charlitan didn 't like me at first . The day I met her , she took one look at me and thought I was a prissy judgmental wasp who needed a good shock . She walked up to me , grabbed my hand and in a slightly maniacal voice said , " Hi , I 'm Charlitan . I 'm a lesbian . " I shook her hand back and said , " Ok . . . I 'm Muddy . " The fact that she didn 't shock me at all threw her for a loop ( because she is even better than I am at judging character and had totally misjudged me ) and eventually we became inseparable . It was about this time in my life when I started to have trouble with my " gift " , but of course I was afraid to talk to anyone about it for fear that they would think I was crazy , or worse , jumping on the New Age bandwagon . Because of my empathetic nature I was becoming victim to psychic vampires . And when I say psychic vampires , I am not in the slightest way implying anyone bit my neck and drained my blood . One thing is not related to the other . We all have psychic vampires in our lives , sometimes we label them as Narcissitic Personality Disorder . Essentially a PV is anyone who drains your energy and gives you nothing back . People who are needy or in crisis are drawn to my earthy nature . Back then they would lean on me and I would give until it hurt . This all came to a head when Charlitan and I did a show together for a fledgling theater company run by a PV and his lover . PV was a slightly off - balance egotistical man who had discovered paganism and labeled himself as a powerful warlock . He was everything Charlitan despised so we both kept her beliefs secret . The space we were doing the show in was actually an old movie theater . It had been left to the elements and time and was in bad shape , so PV was able to rent it out for a very small fee . The weird thing was , however , that while the actually movie screen area was mouse - eaten , moldy and in extreme disrepair , the lobby still showed signs of its former heyday . The carpet , although flattened and worn with years of use , still held on to its beautiful red color . The candy counters held all of their glass and were trimmed in gold . But the piece de resistance was the woman 's restroom . It was gorgeous . There were at least 8 large stalls ( not the tiny ones where you can 't turn around in of today ) . There was a vanity counter where you could still imagine teenager girls gathering together , smoking cigarettes and touching up their makeup while discussing their chosen dates for the evening . And there was a large three - way mirror where you could see your entire outfit standing guard over the room . People definitely knew how to pee back then ! ' So , as you might imagine , there was a ghost attached to this place , too . Only the ghost wasn 't interested in me . One of my cast mates ( let 's call her Carol ) was a daughter of a local celebrity and she had a lot of issues . She resented her mother 's success and punished herself to no end to cause her mother grief . She drank too much , slept with nameless men and was reckless with her own personal safety . One day we walked into the bathroom together . While I was waiting for her to finish washing her hands ( you know how girls are ) I stepped into the three - way mirror to check my appearance . Imagine my surprise when the person looking back at me was not ME ! Never in my life had I actually SEEN SEEN a ghost . This was something so clear I could take her picture . It was tangible and real . I was so startled that I actually fell backwards . Carol turned to see what had happened and looked in the mirror . She could see the ghost too . She took off running out the door to tell everyone what had happened . I stood there for a minute looking at the woman . She watched Carol run out of the room and her face was contorted with sadness and concern . I exited the bathroom into a circle of people waiting for me to confirm what Carol had told them . I said I had seen the woman but just for a second . I wanted to downplay the event because I could see PV watching me with malice in his eyes . From the look on his face , I could tell my secret was out . Even though I never said anything , he didn 't like the fact that I appeared to have made contact with the other side . He was , after all , extremely powerful ( in his mind ) and I had just stolen his thunder . As I said , Carol was reckless . Later that evening after rehearsal , a group of us were gathered in the lobby discussing our plans for the evening . I could see PV turn to walk towards me and knew he wanted to discuss what had occured earlier . I was desperate to leave before he actually made it to me . At that moment , Carol , who had been leaning against the glass candy counter , put her hands on top of it and attempted to lift her body on top of it to sit . I felt a cold air blow past me as the ghost tried to stop her , but it was too late . Carol came crashing through the glass countertop and started bleeding profusely , huge jagged pieces of glass protruding from her thighs and butt . The chill in the air dissipated and I managed to bundle her carefully into my car and took her to the ER , escaping PV . I want to say I appreciate the comment Anonymous left on my Angel story . I walked away from that post feeling really exposed and somewhat cheesy . That 's the problem with talking about this stuff , it seems so made for tv that I wonder how anyone can take me seriously . So thanks , even though I still feel cheesy I appreciate that people seem to enjoy reading this . Today will be my last cheesy post . Charlitan has given me permission to talk about what went on for a few years in my life . The things that happened during that time are what started turning me away from all of this . None of that feels cheesy to me . But , I promised to talk to you about Ft . Hayes . I have a few readers from Ohio and if any of you are at all wondering if you might have some psychic connection I would suggest you go spend some time there walking around . You 'll definitely find out . Ft . Hayes is an old Civil War base that was used by the army for about 120 years . It started with the General 's Quarters and a shot tower and was added on to from there . While I was there I attended the theater program under the direction of a megalomaniac . Because of his personality , I was allowed to see inside a lot of the buildings that were officially off limits . He didn 't believe the rules applied to him or his golden children ( of which I was one . ) Now , you have to know , theater people are their own brand of people . We 're crazy , and I say that with love , but we 're also gullible . Every theater has a ghost and amazingly every ghost died the same way ( jumping from catwalk ) . You never say the name of the ghost or whistle because that calls the ghost and bad things will happen during your production . It 's all a bunch of hooey . But theater people are drawn to and believe in spirits . And when you get a group of people together who want to see a spirit , it is hard to separate fact from fantasy . Everyone claimed there was ghost in the shot tower . If there was , I never saw it . Everyone claimed there was a ghost in the theater ( the catwalk lady ) , if she was there she didn 't tell me . But one day we were doing a show about the Mexican War and something strange did happen . A group of us were sitting backstage waiting for a call to places . It was dark and we were all dressed in digustingly torn , dirty and ripped period clothes . Our sole male actor was in uniform . Suddenly this girl whom I didn 't really like ( although SHE is a published author now ) rushed in claiming to see a ghost . She swore a man in uniform was standing in the shop area and she was petrified . Of course we all rushed en masse to see this army ghost . No one saw anything and I brushed it off . I certainly didn 't think anything was there . The rest of the cast stayed huddled around her and I walked off towards my spot for places . I hate the drama that surrounds people who believe in ghosts ( believe it or not ) . So anyway , there I was standing in the wings and our male cast mate , dressed in his uniform , walked up behind me . I hissed at him to get out of here . He was supposed to be on the other side of the stage . And I looked over to the other side of the stage where he was supposed to be . . . and he was . I turned back and the man was gone . I think he was actually an outside spirit who had been confused by our militay bearing and drama . That 's the only ghost I ever sensed in the theater , but there 's lots of ghosts there on the property . There were some WWII barracks on the property that were supposed to be off - limits , but my theater teacher took us through them . That place was so haunted I struggled to walk through the building . I heard music from the 1940 's , I sensed young army men with slicked back hair , I could smell cigarette smoke and even sense bodies reading magazines on their bunks . It was the single most overwhelming psychic experience I had ever had . My head started to ache and I started to have trouble breathing . I told everyone it was my allergies and claustophobia , but it was really just whatever was left behind in that building . Also , if you go behind all of the educational buildings to the storage barrack and bus depot , there is one specific building where the theater department used to store our props . I went in there alone one time and was attacked by something . I kid you not , a cart was viciously shoved toward me , only there was nothing there . Things would be thrown and you could hear stomping . I think I saw the thing one time , and I say thing because there was nothing compassionate or human left in that spirit . I had made the mistake of closing the door behind me when I entered . When I tried to leave , the door was stuck and I was stuck inside . Luckily one of my friends had come with me and just stayed outside to smoke , or I really think something bad might have happened to me . I hated that place because it just oozed of evil . So there you are . If you live near Columbus stop by and see if you think I am right . If I 'm not , that 's okay , too . Tomorrow : when paganism and my " gift " collide . You know , it is amazing to me to think that the world has changed so much in 35 years that I am afraid to let my 8 year - old daughter walk to school by herself . Even if we lived in a nicer neighborhood , I 'm not sure I would do it . But by the time I was 6 and in 1st grade , I walked to school by myself . My brother had won a lottery slot and gotten into a very traditional and strict charter school which is what he needed for his learning disabilities . I would not get a slot until 2nd grade , which is good because it was definitely NOT what I needed . But anyway , at 6 years old my parents felt confident enough to let me walk alone the two blocks to my school . I remember some of it , but not much . I remember always walking by one particular house and using their low border wall as a balance beam . I remember stopping to strip someone 's gate of honeysuckle . And I remember the bridge . I seem to recall the bridge was more of an overpass for our quiet neighborhood . You could skid down a slanted cement wall and play at the bottom , which my friends and I did . The Vietnam War had just ended , so we did a lot of military maneuvers in that ditch . I was forced to be the nurse and I used to really resent that . I always had to treat the " wounded " soldiers instead of getting in there and fighting with cattails , or sticks or whatever we could find . And I was never allowed to go down there by myself , but I had to cross over the bridge to get to my school . Now two things coincide here and I am not sure if they relate . One , a woman was raped and stabbed in the ditch sometime while I lived there . She was a friend of my parents and I remember the whispered conversations they would have at night after they thought I fell asleep . So I know someone died there . But that 's not what I experienced . One day as I was walking over the bridge something caused me to turn back . A noise , a movement , a thought , I don 't know . But I turned back and " saw " ( sensed ? imagined ? ) a woman 's body hanging from the guard rail . She was bound with some sort of leather straps at her wrists and feet . I stood stock - still , unable to make my feet move . There was a gentle breeze blowing in the air and her body swayed ever so slightly . I knew she wasn 't real , but I also knew she was there . Just as I was about to take a step away from her and towards my school , she opened her eyes . I was caught , terrified and alone . Finally a car came by and broke my concentration and I was able to walk on . But every time I crossed that bridge , I could sense her . I refused to ever look again , but even today I can close my eyes and conjure up an image of her just hanging there , her neck broken and her head hanging low . I was so thankful when I was transferred to my brother 's school because I would not have to walk past her alone . This haunted me for years . We moved away from Columbus and I got older , but I never forgot my terror . Eventually my dad was transferred back to Columbus , but by this time I was a teenager . The day I got my driver 's license I took my car and drove back to my old neighborhood . I parked my car at the empty elementary school and started a slow walk towards my old house . When I came to the bridge I hesitated . I didn 't want to look , but I also didn 't sense anything . Relieved , I began to cross the bridge . I thought to myself that it was all just my imagination . I must have heard those conversations about the woman who had been stabbed and made it all up in my head . I know that seems strange for a 6 year old , but I had a very weird upbringing and I thought anything could be possible . I got to the other side feeling confident and happy . I didn 't need to go any farther , I had proven to myself that it had just been my imagination . How foolish I felt , but glad that now I could let the image go that had haunted me for 10 years . As I turned back I looked over the bridge , imagining how I used to play down in the now glass - filled , desolate ditch . It was then that I saw it . . . there on the wall . Graffiti , just stupid graffiti , I told myself . Only it wasn 't just graffiti . Someone had painted a beautiful winged angel bound in leather straps . The paint wasn 't brand new , but it wasn 't ten years old either . Someone had painted my vision but with wings . Did someone else sense her presence ? Was she their relative ? Was it all just a coincidence ? I 'll never know . But I haven 't forgotten her . . . ever . I was born in Columbus , Ohio . For the first three years of my life I lived in a half of a double in Clinton Heights . Clinton Heights then was a lovely little burb with neatly lined houses and well - tended yards . . . now , not so much . My mom tells me this story , but I don 't remember a bit of it . I am not a sleeper , never have been , never will be . My mom was so worried about me when I was a toddler that she even talked to my pediatrician about my lack of sleep . He told her that I was fine , she just had to make sure I had a set schedule that allowed for sleep and that during that time I had to know I had to stay in my room by myself . So that 's what my mom did . I could do whatever I wanted from 7 : 00 to 7 : 00 in my room as long as I didn 't leave it . My mom talks about how in the beginning , in the middle of the night , she would hear the toys in my room moving , only I was in a crib and couldn 't reach them . Remember , I 'm 40 , this was before electronic toys . When I was old enough to have a toddler bed , she would hear me in the middle of the night and would peek into my room to find me sitting on the floor , playing with toys that had been put away and I couldn 't have reached , happily chatting away with someone . I was never afraid of this " person " and I was a happy - enough child , so she choose to just let it be . Things didn 't get weird until it was time to move out of my first house to another house in Clinton Heights . This was a three story house , with our playroom in the attic . My mom was downstairs packing boxes and she would hear someone walking , stomping actually , in the playroom even though my brother and I weren 't up there . The closer we got to moving , the louder and angrier the noises got . My brother , who was three years older than me , was terrified and refused to go into the playroom . One day when she heard something crash and break , my mom decided enough was enough . Now , my mom thought very little of the fact that I seemed to attract spirits , this was common in her family . So she marched upstairs to talk to the spirit ( She always suspected it was her grandfather for some reason ) . She told him that she had been very understanding about his presence and never stopped him from playing with me , but he had drawn the line when he had scared my brother . When my mom tells this story , she still uses her best motherly tone . She claims she said something to the effect of , " I 'm sorry you are upset that we are leaving , but that 's just how it is . If you can 't be nice and stop scaring my son , then you are not welcome here . " And just like that it stopped . Hmmm . . . everybody seems to be really fascinated with the paranormal stuff . There 's two things that kind of hold me back from talking more about it . The first is that I try really hard to maintain a high level of truthfulness on my blog ( believe it or not ) and so I try to only write about the things that I can verify through someone or something else . The woman at the pink house was a verified experience because someone who knows nothing about me confirmed what I thought I was experiencing . I told Elise 's story because it was unfolding in front of me in the news . The wolf thing at Old Man 's Cave was experienced by Hubby . The dead body I found , well , I can 't confirm what I heard or felt , but I think the fact that I found her speaks for itself . A lot of my experiences can 't be confirmed and are so strange that I am left to wonder if they are real or merely my overly creative and dramatic imagination . BUT . . . . I will be happy to share some of those things as long as it is understood that I do not ask YOU to believe anything I say and that you are free to think I am full of it . For all I know , I might be . Integrity is important to me and I don 't want anyone thinking I am trying to pass myself off as something I am not . I think there are people in this world who are truly gifted and psychic , but I do not claim to be one of them , nor do I want to cause someone else to doubt them because of the wild things I might talk about . Their lives are hard enough already , if my little talent is but a shred of what they experience . The second thing that holds me back is that during the most " sensitive " period of my life there was another person involved who might not want me to tell her stories . There was a time when I felt I needed to be protected from the things I was experiencing and she acted as my guide , so to speak . I was physically being hurt by things I could not see or control and she was able to act as a wall between me and the things . But I have too much respect for her to go someplace she might not want to be right now . She has enough crap going on in her life , I don 't want to uncork another bottle and give her more grief . And we might remember things differently . Apparently I didn 't even get my own story right about my conversation with Hubby when we decided to become a pastoral couple . He 's going to write his own version of what happened when he has time . He 's in the middle of planning a funeral right now . But once he told me , I went , " OHHHHHH ! ! ! ! OOOPPPSSS ! ! ! " I wasn 't horribly far off , but people have different perspectives . So I no longer actually live near the coast . I live in an area surrounded by water that leads to the ocean , but CountryTime is more of a river city than anything else . Everyone here ( but us ) has a kayak or sea - doo or boat , has lived near the water 's edge for generations and there is even a dialect that arises from this area that reminds me of my adventures to other countries . It 's a lot like living in a warmer climate Northern Exposure . Every day I walk the raptor and sometimes my path takes me down to the river . The river road curves around and I pass the former mayor 's house , the Admiral 's house , then the crazy artist 's house until I get to the pink house . I 've seen this house at least 4 times a week since we got the dog and it is always the same for me . The house is one of the oldest houses around with multiple additions built on over the years . But even with the add - ons , the original structure is still quite obvious . It 's a Federal house with the tiny slat siding . The original free standing kitchen has now been connected by a newer room and there is both a main porch and second floor balcony . It 's run - down , the paint peeling , the tin roof tinged green with age , but there 's something about it . Whenever I walk past on warm days I sense someone . It 's a washerwoman on the second floor balcony looking down at me . I can 't truly " see " her , but I know she is not completely white - skinned , but nor is she black . I imagine she has skin the color of a rich , golden leather . She never seems to be smiling , always stern , and I wonder what made her this way and why she stays . I also have the sensation of hearing sheets flapping in the wind , hung out on a line to dry . I always wondered why there are so many sheets . I can sense rows and rows of them , hanging there , perfectly white but worn . Too many sheets for a family that would have lived in this house . The woman seems to be standing guard , making sure her sheets are left untouched as well as the inhabitants of the house . Several weeks ago I am stopped as I walk by the woman who liPosted by So Hubby , last night after reading my blog , bemoaned the fact that " I left out so much . " I could dedicate a new entire blog to our first 5 years of marriage , but then I would never get to the story of how I actually became a pastor 's wife , and really , that 's how all of this started . So here 's the first five years in a nutshell . We hated the city that held the Most Expensive Seminary in the World . H - A - T - E - D it ! It was a scary and violent place . We both held decent jobs but Hubby 's boss was abusive . And mine , well , mine is another story in and of itself . So without a job or much of a savings between us , we moved to a little second floor apartment on a coastal barrier island to start over . There we proceeded to get whamped by hurricanes . Not one , not two , but three hurricanes . When our second floor apartment became a first floor apartment by way of storm surge and rats moved into our stove shortly afterwards , we decided buy a house and move a little more inland to Pop . 259 . Just a few weeks after moving inland I was in a death - defying car accident . A 70 year old woman who had had a stroke just two weeks before AND HAD NO SIGHT IN HER LEFT EYE , stopped at a stop sign and then pulled out in front of me while I was going 55 mph . I crashed into her and almost sent her into the intracoastal waterway . We decided to get pregnant after I healed and had our first miscarriage on my 30th birthday . Hubby sold life insurance but hated it and I worked at a tiny little pharmacy and loved my customers but hated my boss . All the while we were attending this very old , red brick church with the most beautiful stained glass windows and a dying congregation . Hubby suffered from depression and I would find him hiding out in the house playing tetris . Something had to change . He had to find something that made him happy . One day the pastor delivered a sermon about answering God 's call . I don 't really listen to the sermons ( even my husband 's ) . I don 't know why , probably because I am not biblically knowledgeable . I 'll make grocery lists in my Posted by I really didn 't mean to make you wait so long for the next part of the story . I have a new play being performed in a few weeks that I really had to finish since the actors needed it to learn their lines . Anywho , Hubby bundled me up in the middle of the night in the coldest winter in 150 years and drove me to the emergency room . Head injuries with bloody noses get fairly quick attention so I was whooshed back into a room and then made to wait . . . . and wait . . . . and , well you get the picture . Meanwhile I was going on about 8 hours without having eaten anything and my head was throbbing and my blood sugar was crashing . Hubby was like a centurion guard , watching over my every need , fetching me orange juice , asking questions of the doctor who would periodically come to check on me to make sure I hadn 't lapsed into a coma . When I was taken to x - ray he tried his hardest to be allowed to sit with me WHILE they took the x - ray . Thankfully the technician was more hard - assed than Hubby and made him wait outside . But as soon as she closed the door , she turned to me and said , " I hope you know that one 's special . He 's definitely a keeper . " Oh , by the way , my little hospital visit diagnosis ? I swear to you , the doctor walked into the room with my x - rays in hand and said , " Do you want to know what 's wrong with you ? You got the snot knocked out of you . " Have you ever had a doctor tell you that you had the snot knocked out of you ? Um . . . yeah , I could have told you that . But that was it . I had a mild concussion and was sent home at 2 : 00 AM with an RX for painkillers that Hubby got filled for me before I went home . It was that night that I realized I was truly in trouble . He was leaving and there was nothing I could do to stop him . Our time together went so quickly , that before I knew what had happened , it was April and I tried not to cry as I watched him drive away in his car , heading towards Louisiana where his real job was . That night I sobbed myself to sleep . I had known that day was coming and I had promised to let him go , but it just hurPosted by From that day on we were inseparable . I got out of rehearsal or shows at 10 : 00 at night and he would meet me at the theater . We would go out to eat , or walk , or just back to my house for wine and conversation . Unless he was out of town we never spent the night apart again for the rest of his 6 weeks in Columbus . Hubby was only in town temporarily to do an audit for his company . The audit turned up massive corruption in the office and he had to stay on to hire and train new staff . So I took those six weeks as a gift . I knew I was falling in love with him , but I had learned he had a fiancee ( who after 3 years kept pushing the wedding date farther into the future ) and I didn 't have time for a long - term commitment . I was an actress with a soon - to - be - successful theater company . And ke knew he was falling in love with me , but he had made a promise to another woman . But those 6 weeks were magical . He sent me white daisies on my birthday without ever being told that they are my favorite flower . He knew I wasn 't eating very much because my theater had weigh - ins , so he would bring me coffee and a healthy muffin from the local market . I would hold his face in my lap and rub the tension of his day away and sing to him . It was all very indie - film romantic . Then one day I was at rehearsal and something happened . The set consisted of multi - level platforms and the actors had to run and leap from platform to platform in a very carefully choreographed pattern . During one very dark scene I lept from my old position for my new position , only to find another actor had become confused and was in the wrong place . I crashed into his shoulder with all my weight and the full force of my nose and head . Everything went dark for a second but I kept going until the end of the scene . I was in massive pain and rehearsal was called for the night . Hubby and I went back to my apartment but I couldn 't sleep because the pain was so intense and then my nose started to bleed lightly . So at about midnight , Hubby bundled me up and took me to the emergency rPosted by I finally managed to push his comatose drunken body off of me and I rolled onto my side in a fetal position , trying to stay as close to the edge ( and as far away from him ) as possible . What had I done ? Sure , he seemed like a nice enough guy . Sure , I had talked to him a few times at the bank . Sure , he was very cute . But . . . WHAT HAD I DONE ? I never had one night stands . Was he going to think I was easy ? Was he going to believe me when I told him this was never going to happen again ? And it wasn 't going to happen again . I was too focused on my career to get involved with someone . Plus , he was only in town for a few weeks . I certainly didn 't want to get involved only to get my heart broken . The next morning I sent him on his way with an awkward , cold , polite kiss . He asked if he could see me that night and I told him I didn 't know . This wasn 't like me and I didn 't want him getting the wrong idea . But he told me he would call me later and left . When he called me later I hesitated before answering the phone . What was proper etiquette in this situation ? If I went out with him on a real date , would it lessen the sting for me that I had slept with a stranger ? Or was I just encouraging his false belief that I was going to sleep with him again . In the end my need to justify the situation won over and I agreed to go to dinner with him that night . . . on one condition . I told him flat out that there would be no sex . If he wanted to go out on a date me then we had to back up and start over . He picked me up that night after my show and took me to a local restaurant that we could walk to from my apartment . He refrained from drinking that night and I got to see the real him . He was nice and polite and funny . He opened doors for me and when I walked through he put his hand on the small of my back to guide me . I love that , when a man puts his hand on the small of your back , it makes me feel so protected . We talked about everything . I told him about my acting and my family . He told me about his small hometown and his deep religious belief . Posted by We pulled up into the back alley that led to my house . I lived in a half of a 150 year - old double in German Village . We had a little garage / shed that I had left my car in so I had to leave his car parked behind it , exposed to the night elements and the night people . Now you have to realize , I was a feisty 22 year - old who adored my little corner of the world . It was quaint and quirky and I was surrounded by my kind of people . My next door neighbors were a little old couple who had been married for over 50 years . The other half of my double was rented by 2 professional ( and cute ) straight yuppie guys who worked for the same bank I did . Across the street was a flamboyant 6 ' 5 " tall gay black man who regularly wore bright fuschia leg warmers and a violet ripped up dance shirt named Maurice ( I 'm not making that name up ) . Two doors down was the local German pub where you could do the chicken dance AND pick up a man , a woman , a couple , whatever your pleasure was for the night . But of course , there were also the shady rednecks and gang members who stalked the alleys looking for someone to rob . Hubby is ultimately from the smallest town in Florida ( even though he has lived in several big cities ) and he was aghast at the thought of leaving his car in my alley . In fact he made some comment about how dangerous it was and I just about left him outside to fend for himself . I loved my house and my neighborhood and didn 't appreciate him being so disrespectful . BUT . . . . he smelled so good . So I dragged him inside and hollered for my two roommates . The sound of my voice echoed through the cavernous three story brick house . No one answered . There it was . I was all alone with this drunken man I barely knew . I was in trouble . I immediately went to the back of the house where the tiny little kitchen was located and started a pot of my raspberry flavored coffee that I bought freshly ground from the little coffee shop down the street . Believe it or not , for a brief period of my life , my house was the place to gather . People filtered in and outPosted by |
1 ) I 'm in a college class , and it ends . I 'm walking out to my truck , and I overhear a group of guys talking about Mad Men . I haven 't seen it , but I strike up a conversation with them anyway . I ask if they need a ride somewhere , and they do . There are four of them and two girls , and we all somehow cram into my truck . We start driving and I check what 's playing on my iPod . It 's Allison Eastwood , who I didn 't even know sang . We 're driving through what sort of looks like Morganfield , and then it kinda looks like Henderson . There are trees down all over , like a storm just came through . I 'm driving really crazy , swerving and going off the road and stuff . I think everyone in the car is kinda scared , but I don 't care . 2 ) I 'm meet up with Sherry , a girl I went to college with . She needs a ride somewhere , so I pick her up at her house . We 're in the white LeBaron . She asks if she can drive , so I start to get out , but she just sits on my lap . We start to drive on a dirt road , and there 's a big mud puddle , and I wonder if the car will make it through . 3 ) I 'm in some kind of sci - fi movie with a hot chick and maybe Sylvester Stallone . We on a space ship and we 've been captured by some aliens . They have us in a cage made of lasers , and we 're trying to figure a way out . We have two bath robes , and we know how to turn off the cage . There are two guys that come in periodically that are trying to help us , too . The hot chick has a map of the space ship , but there are aliens walking all over the place , so we 're not sure we can get out undetected . 1 ) I 'm a freshman in college , but this time , I 'm going to a huge university that 's right next to a beach . I 'm taking a language course , and there 's homework for it every night . Every morning before I go to class , I stop by the bookstore and buy a notebook because I 'm not sure if I have one . The bookstore is always very busy . I somehow got a job coaching the women 's indoor soccer team , and I recruited Garah . We score a goal in our first game , but I think we might have had too many players on the field . I 'm walking to class one morning , and I decide to take the long way by the beach , and there are two guys walking behind me talking about drums . I stop by one of the dorms to walk with one of the girls in my class , and Michael Cera is walking with her , too . I see a poster that says I 'm running for freshman class president , and I 'm wondering how many other people are running . 1 ) I 'm at some kind of bike race in California , and there 's an 80 - year - old lady racing . I 'm standing near the finish line , and the old lady crashes right before she crosses . The crash looks really bad , but she gets right up and walks across and everyone cheers . There 's a TV crew there , and they 're interviewing a girl whose husband just lost his job , but they want to travel Europe , so I tell them if they 're ever in Italy , they can stay with me . 2 ) I 'm at some kind of boarding school in Italy . It 's really small , and looks like it used to be a house . I 'm walking around inside , and asking one of the teachers questions about it . There 's a couple sneaking around , and I 'm kinda following them , but still wanting to see the school . I go down some stairs and end up in a big mall . I see the same couple waiting for the train , but decide to do some shopping because it 's after Christmas now and there are bound to be some good sales . 1 ) Abby , Charis , a few other people , and I are supposed to be installing a water line in this big boiler room . It 's going to be a difficult job because we 're going to have to jack up some concrete and trench . Then we find this control panel that makes part of the floor disappear , and we 're all happy because it will make our job much easier . We 're trying to lay the pipe in the trench , and someone decides we need a break , so they put on some old Ben Stiller movie . I leave the job site and end up in some kind of Christian assembly in a big auditorium . There are people singing on stage , and it 's pretty good . I want to go get Abby and Charis , but I don 't want to miss anything . I look around , and I see that they 've already arrived , so we sit in the floor and enjoy the music . After it 's over , I 'm trying to get outside , but it 's really crowded . I start climbing up the wall to a really high window , but once I get to it , it won 't open . I somehow get outside , and I can 't find Abby or Charis . I start walking down the road , and I find a bunch of Transformers in the grass . I start trying to transform them , but they 're the new ones and they 're really complicated . 1 ) Johnny and I are in Zurich , and we 're walking down the street checking out little shops and stuff . I stop in a sunglass boutique , and the lady behind the counter is singing a soul song really loud , but she 's really good . I have on my black Pradas and another customer asks to see them . I take them off and hand them to her . She holds on to them for a long time , so I have a seat . Johnny comes and sits sideways on my lap and asks when we 're going to leave . I want to leave , but the lady won 't give me back my sunglasses . 2 ) I 'm getting ready to leave for work . I look outside and it 's raining really hard , and I see a bunch of booths lined up along my street . It looks like some kind of festival , and I 'm wondering if I 'll be able to drive down the road and make it to work . I debate calling MSgt Hammes . 1 ) I go home , and my Dad is in the garage working on this really cool , futuristic - looking motorcycle . Mom comes home for lunch just as some other guy comes along because he wants to buy Dad 's motorcycle . Dad tells me to let this guy ride it around the yard for a while , and to watch him to make sure he actually knows how to ride . He and Mom go inside . The guy starts riding around the yard . It gets really windy and I 'm looking up at the sky watching these really cool cloud formations move really fast across the sky . Parts of the clouds start to break off and form into angels . The angels come down and start walking along the Earth . One stops right in front of me and says , " We don 't want you in Heaven , but we don 't want you in Hell , either . " Then she gives me a Glasgow smile . She repeats her phrase , and I fall to the ground , bleeding . 1 ) I 'm travelling with a bunch of people ( deployed ? ) , and we 're shopping in this huge market . Anna is there , and she says Dave is going to get married to some other girl . I feel bad for her and buy her a teddy bear . We all meet at a bar before going out to dinner , and Jeremiah is there . I 'm surprised to see him at a bar . There are some music videos playing on a bunch of televisions on the wall , and Jeremiah is dancing around to one of them . We go outside , and we 're in this really futuristic city . The streets are really wide and shiny , and there are little lakes all over the place . Some people jump in the lakes and start playing with beach balls . I don 't want to get wet , so I start tossing a baseball with Alec . 1 ) I 'm at work on a Friday afternoon , and there isn 't much going on . It 's a really clear day , so I 'm thinking about going up to the top of one of the water towers and taking some pictures of the mountains . After work , a bunch of us get on a train to go to a White Stripes show . Kerry is with us , and she has all out tickets . We get off the train and practically run to the venue . There are fourteen of us . Kerry is first in line , and right behind her , there are some little 12 - year - olds . I stand with Kerry for a second , and then go back to the rest of the group , and Kerry follows me . We start thinking about where we 're going to stay that night , and I mention of a hostel I know right next to the venue ( perhaps from a previous dream ? ) . I get out of the line and go look for the hostel . I ask in Italian if they have any rooms free , and the lady says she can put six per room . I tell her we have fourteen , and she says she doesn 't have much money . I tell her we 'll all be paying in cash , and make the reservation . I 'm walking back toward the venue , and I see Johnny and Corey . They 're walking really fast and I 'm practically running to keep up with them . I scream out to them to slow down , and everyone else around laughs at me . 1 ) I 'm helping with a children 's Sunday School class at my old Church in Morganfield . The main teacher keeps asking me for ideas for games or lessons for the kids . After Sunday School , I 'm waiting in the parking lot for my Mom , and I set up my iPod right in the middle , so people can listen to music on their way to the worship service . The teacher comes by again asking for lesson ideas . Mom comes out and I tell her I don 't really want to go to worship . She says I don 't have to , but she 's going to go anyway . I song with bad lyrics comes on my iPod , so I run up and try to shut it off , but it won 't turn off , so I throw it in the back of Chris Thompson 's car . I go into the service , even though they 've already started , and sit down . There 's a guy next to me in the pew in a hockey outfit . I get home before Mom , and I 'm sitting in my room . I go to look for something to eat in the pantry , and I see a bunch of old spray paint cans . I take them into the basement and start spraying them to get rid of whatever is inside so I can take them to the recycling plant . Dad comes home and I tell him what I 'm doing . He acts really depressed and goes into his bedroom . I hear a bunch of motorcycles outside , so I look out my bedroom window and see a big biker gang in the driveway of Mr . Clements 's house across the street . They see me looking at them and they take off . 1 ) I 'm in a deployed location somewhere , and it 's raining really hard . I 'm walking around camp with some guys in my shop . We stop at finance , and they tell me that when I get my utility bills , I have to go to the home fuels office to pay it . I tell them that I have automatic payments out of my Italian bank account , but they say it doesn 't matter . I 'm wondering if this is why my last bill was so high . We leave finance and we 're walking into a restricted area of the base . There 's a really cute girl working the gate , and one of my friends tries to hit on her . She tells him it 's not working and that she won 't let us in , so I tell her in a very non - threatening way to let us in . She thinks about it for a while , and starts to open the gate , but then her commander comes along and pushes her down . 1 ) I move to a big city somewhere , and my only choice of places to live are in these huge high - rise apartment buildings . I 'm trying to find one close to work , and I keep looking at a map to find a decent one . I go inside the lobby of one , and ask if they have anything available , and the lady tells me they just rented their last one . Then I see MSgt Hammes walking out and he tells me he just got the last one . I get on my bike and I 'm riding through downtown , wondering what their laws are for bike riders . There are tolls all over the place , but I don 't pay any of them . 1 ) Nick Fuoss , Jack Black , a few other people and I are visiting a really old castle . There 's a creepy caretaker who says we can go wherever we want . I start going down some really steep stairs . Nick is right behind me . I end up in some kind of dungeon and it 's really cramped , so I tell Nick to turn around because I want to get out . We go back outside . Jack and one of the girls get trapped in some kind of hidden room for a long time , and the caretaker tells them they have to work their way out , so they have to rotate this giant rock to keep it from falling in a water hole . 1 ) I 'm getting deployed , and the military is paying for us all to spend a weekend in a really nice spa . I 'm taking a shower and these people keep coming in and bringing me soap and towels and stuff . After I leave the shower , this lady says she 's going to give me a massage . At first , I don 't want one , but then decide to go ahead and take it . She makes me go into a room for a few minutes where these guys take a bunch of pictures of me . When I leave the room , I find out they 've made an exact clone of me . The massage lady finds me again , and brings me into another room . My clone is in there laying on his back . She lays some pillows on top of him , and I lay on the pillows so my clone and I are face to face . She says this is somehow supposed to relax me and help me look into my inner chi or chakra or something . I 'm start talking to my clone , and he knows he 's a clone , and I wonder what will happen to him after I leave . He asks another guy in the room if he 's supposed to hear Madonna 's voice talking to him . I lean down and start making out with my clone for a minute . He gives really wet kisses , but they 're still kinda nice . The massage lady tells me to relax and she starts rubbing my back . 1 ) I 'm living in a dorm , and after work one day , I see Mikey and ask if he wants to get dinner that night . He says yes , and I tell him I 'll try to find Jay so he can go , too . I look all over for Jay , and when I find him , he 's volunteering to help with some kind of banquet that night . He asks if I can move his truck for him . His truck is really big , and I 'm worried about hitting stuff because I 'm not used to driving it . Joe Powell is there , too , and he 's trying to get stuff prepared for the banquet , and I tell him I haven 't seen him since high school . 2 ) I 'm walking around some town in Italy with Meredith and a couple other people . We stop in a little clothing store , and Meredith is picking out cool shirts for me . I start talking to the manager and she asks if I want to work there . I tell her I will , but that I can only work nights . I start meeting all the other people that work there , and I find that Theresa has moved to Italy and is working there , too . I get a copy of the next week 's schedule , and I 'm not on it yet . I keep asking if they want to me to work that weekend , and they say everyone works the weekends . I get worried about what time I 'm supposed to be there . I walk outside , and the manager is sitting under a tree , and she tells me to come sit down . Then she starts asking me about the lyrics to a song she heard and what they mean . Something about a silver ladder and making a clock . 1 ) There is a hurricane or something coming , and I 'm at home helping everyone pack things up and move to a better place . I see Dan and Paul , who I didn 't think knew each other . I 'm carrying a bunch of bags , and I 'm trying to catch up with them , but they 're really far ahead . After we drop off everything , a bunch of us are at a bar . I 'm sitting with Joann , and I see Dan at another table . I 'm wondering why he hasn 't talked to me yet , and I think he and Joann would get along great . I get up to see if Joann wants to meet Dan , but when I turn around , she 's gone . Corey says she 's gone on another cruise . 1 ) I 'm on base and some kind of exercise is going on , but I 'm not really playing in it . I 'm really hungry and I see a carload of girls going to lunch together , so I ask if I can hop in . I get inside , and they 're all really funny and telling jokes and stuff . We get to a big cafeteria , and I sit at a table . I 'm waiting for the girls to sit down , and there are a couple guys at a nearby table being really obnoxious . I think that maybe I should go beat one of them up , but they 're both much bigger than me . Then I think it won 't matter if I get beat up because they were the ones being rude and I will get sympathy from the girls . We go back outside and we 're going to go back to work , but someone 's car needs to be towed , so we 're trying to find out how to tie the cars together . Amy Poehler is there , and I want to tell her this great idea I have for an SNL skit , but I 'm sure she hears stuff like that all the time . We end up having , like , seven or eight cars tied together in a big train , but the only thing holding them together is a little magnet . I 'm waiting at the exit and I see the first five cars drive by , but the last two or three got left behind . 1 ) Sherry and Jennifer , two girls from high school , come through Italy and stop for a visit . We decide to go shopping and end up at a mall in Utah . We go into a store and they 're both looking for girl clothes , but I can 't find the men 's section . They catch up with me , and we find the men 's section , but it 's really small , and I don 't find anything I like . We go back to Garah 's house , which looks like my grandparents ' house . We 're tossing the frisbee outside , and it starts raining . Amy shows up , and we keep playing , even though it 's totally pouring . We go back inside , and everyone takes off their wet clothes and I feel really awkward . Sherry is totally staring at my junk . 2 ) I 'm working outside the Chapel , for some reason , and it 's early in the morning . Some people show up , and are waiting outside . I use my work keys to let them in . They start singing songs , and invite me to hang out with them . They start getting really charismatic and waving their hands and dancing around . I just kinda stand there with my head bowed , but this lady next to me keeps grabbing my hands and rubbing on my arms . She pushes me into a crowd in the middle of the room and I can hear them all singing and crying . The song is really beautiful . 3 ) Jon and Garah are babysitting two little black girls , and decide to take them to the pool . They invite me , and when we get to the pool , it 's really crowded . One of the girls has some legos , and we start to build some kind of castle . She wants to take the legos out on a raft in the water , but I tell her they 'll fall off and get lost . We continue putting the castle together on the side . Garah goes over to the fence and suddenly falls asleep on the ground . Jon goes over and falls asleep , too . I walk over and I smell some kind of weird gas and I get really tired , but I keep myself awake . I grab Jon and Garah by the feet and try to pull them away . The girls are walking over , but I tell them to stay away . Nobody else seems to realise what 's going on . 1 ) I 'm trying to organise some kind of movie night on base , but Corey has the movie we 're supposed to watch , and nobody knows where he is . Somebody tells me that the fire fighters have a bunch of movies , so I get in a truck and head to the fire department . For some reason , I 'm in my blues , and while I 'm driving there , this girl hops in the back of the truck . She 's a lieutenant , and she 's in her blues , as well . We have to trek through the woods to get to the fire station , and we meet up with two other guys , both in their blues , too . After we get there , I 'm hanging out with the fire fighters , and they get me to eat this sandwich made with two sugar cookies and some kind of blue paste in the middle . Afterward , I have to lie down . They put this big blue tarp over me , and I pretend to go to sleep . I feel somebody crawl on top of me and put something on my neck . 1 ) I 'm shopping at a grocery store , and a lady that works there tells me I could be shopping more efficiently . She hands me a list of food to buy , and tells me I have a certain amount of time to get it . I start racing around the store , but some of the stuff on the list they don 't have . She keeps checking on me , and I 'm trying to read the labels on all the stuff I 'm buying , just to take more time to spite her . The lady is being really condescending , and when she walks the other way , I put all the food back . I 'm walking toward the exit , and I see Pat Gamblin walking in , but she 's talking on her cell phone , so I just smile and wave . Then my whole family is behind her . Dad asks why I 'm upset , but just then I see MSgt Lewis 's daughter and she 's about to fall down , so I run to catch her . 2 ) I 'm in the middle of a road and a bunch of friends from high school are on the side of the road . There 's a car coming , so I 'm walking to the side of the road and I drop my cell phone . I just leave it in the road , and when I turn around , the car runs right over it . I go back to grab it , and my phone isn 't damaged at all , but it looks different and folds in half to make it smaller and easier to fit in my pocket . All my friends are going out to eat , so I follow them to the restaurant . When I get there , they 're deciding whether to stay or not . 1 ) I 'm in my shop , and this lady with a baby comes in and asks if she can use my computer . I assume she 's the wife of someone in the squadron , so I say yes . I log off , and when I take my card out , all these web pages start flashing on the screen , none of which I 've ever been to . A few of them are pornographic , and I 'm a little embarrassed . I tell her I don 't know why they 're coming up like that , and she acts like she doesn 't believe me . Then some really weird pages about African art come up , and I 'm all , " Really , I have no interest in African art . " Then she starts to believe me . Tony Hairston comes in and starts telling jokes to Ryan . I hear the joke , but I keep missing the punch lines , and I don 't want to act like an idiot and keep asking him to repeat the punch lines . 1 ) I 'm in a church I 've never seen before . My whole squadron has just finished PT , and I need to shower before I go to work . I 'm walking around with my uniform in my bag trying to find out if they have a locker room . I walk up to the third floor and I see Nate Lawson , who has obviously got out of the shower . I ask him where the shower is , and he says there isn 't one . I keep looking and find the shower , but now I don 't have time because I don 't want to be late for work . I walk outside and the Tour de France is going by . Shaun and Nate are watching it , and they 're talking about throwing rocks and sticks at the riders . 1 ) I 'm staying with Stacy , a girl I went to high school with . She 's married to another guy I went to high school with , but I don 't know where he is . I 'm sitting on the couch watching a movie , and Stacy keeps getting closer and closer to me . I tell her I 'm going to take a shower , and she gets a towel out for me , but won 't leave the bathroom . So I go back and sit on the couch . Stacy practically sits on top of me . I tell her she 's making me uncomfortable , and she acts really hurt . I go back into the bathroom , and when I pull back the shower curtain , it 's a huge bathtub that I could practically swim in . 1 ) My Mom is taking pilot lessons and she 's about to get her license . I 'm on a really small plane with her and three or four other people . Mom is flying it , and we 're taking off from the airport . There are tons of other planes all over the place , and Mom is having a hard time getting clearance from the tower . They finally give her the go - ahead , and we 're going down the runway . She has to manoeuvre around all these other aircraft . Suddenly , I 'm in a car following Mom 's plane through downtown Morganfield . She 's flying really low and can 't get through all the power lines . The plane crashes right across the street from our Church . I speed over and pull everyone out of the plane . They 're all fine , and Mom is really angry because she was doing what the tower told her to do , but they didn 't give her enough time to gain altitude over the city . She hops in the car with me and we go to the police station . Dad is there , and he says the cops have to put everyone in the plane in jail for 30 minutes . 1 ) I 'm in a hospital operating room with a bunch of doctors . A new guy in my squadron , Bob , is laying unconsious on the operating table . The doctors ask me if he 's ready for his operation , and I tell them I 've taken all the change out of his pockets . One of the doctors starts putting all these paper towels around his chest , I 'm guessing to soak up blood when he cuts Bob open . He does some other prep work , and then all this change starts falling out of Bob 's pockets . All the doctors glare at me , like I didn 't do what I was supposed to do . I get the rest of the change out of his pockets , and then the doctors tell me to just go ahead and take his pants off . So another guy and I take off his pants . Then the doctor asks me if I want to make the first incision . So I take the knife and I make a cut in Bob 's chest , and it doesn 't feel like I thought it would . After that , the doctor says we have to put Bob on the floor for a minute , and I think , " Well , that can 't be very sanitary . " But I do what the doctor tells me anyway . 2 ) I 'm hanging out with some guys from work at a barbecue in a park . We 're talking about what happened the night before at the bar , but I wasn 't there , so I 'm just listening to their stories . I see Pat Fawcett walk by and wonder if he recognises me . Aaron starts talking about how he tried to text Steven , but Steven never responded . Then he punches in some numbers on his phone and this big fire ball comes out of the sky and hits the tree next to us . Everyone starts laughing about it , but I 'm thinking , " Wow ! That was really close ! " Then they all start punching numbers into their cell phones and all these big fire balls start falling . I 'm running all over trying not to get hit by one of them , and run beneath a shelter . 1 ) I show up to PT Friday morning , and I 'm getting ready to run with everyone in my squadron . Then some guy comes up to me and asks if I can move my truck , so I move it into some kind of indoor parking garage . I 'm trying to find a spot , and there are lots of people walking around , making it hard to drive . I get back to my squadron , but they 've already run and I missed it . They were in some kind of race with another squadron , and we won . Then everyone lines up for a big formation , and I pass by a female Major from the other squadron . She gives me a really mean look , so I salute her because I think that 's what she wants me to do . Then we all get called to attention , and the Major keeps glaring at me . I have no idea why she 's upset . 1 ) I 'm deployed to Afghanistan with everyone in my shop . While we 're there , we all get tasked for security duty . I 'm at one end of the compound with a cop , and we 're sitting at our post talking . He 's telling me all about his job , and how our rotations go . I finish my time there , and go to the other side of the compound where MSgt Lewis is posted . Eventually , almost all the guys from my shop are there , and we 're hanging out and socialising . I look into the compound and see that we 're really high in the air . I start thinking about how I 'm going to blog my deployment , especially if we 're up in the clouds . 1 ) I 'm on a youth trip , and we 're staying in a big hotel . I don 't know anyone there except Brother Sam . We all wake up one morning for Church , and decide to go to breakfast beforehand . Sam tells me the place we 're going has wi - fi , so I bring my computer along . I have to go to the bathroom , and I 'm standing at the urinal trying not to drop my computer . I leave the bathroom and I 'm looking for the table where everyone is sitting . I walk to the lower floor , and don 't see anyone . I walk back upstairs and see everyone back in the corner . I ask if they 've already ordered . I 'm getting ready to sit down and I drop my computer . 1 ) My brother and his wife decide to have a second wedding , this one more formal and in a Church . I 'm getting ready to go to the wedding , and my Grandmother asks if I can help her get ready . I 'm retrieving her shoes and purse , and I accidentally trip and mess up her hair . She 's very upset , but tries not to let me know . I take her to her house so she can redo it . Her house is all decorated for Valentine 's Day . We get to the wedding and I see my Mom all dressed up . I tell her she 's beautiful and I start crying . 1 ) I 'm working on a highway construction crew , and it 's the end of the day and we 're driving home . I 'm sitting in the bed of a pickup truck with a few other guys . We 're driving down this narrow highway with big walls on either side . Suddenly , a big barrel starts rolling at us , but because of the walls , the driver can 't go around it . The barrel bounces right over us . Then another one , which also bounces over us . Then a really big barrel comes at us . Each time , we think it 's going to kill us , but it keeps bouncing over us . We stop the truck to check out the big barrel . Then we see another truck coming toward us . We think it 's going to help us take care of all the barrels , but it just keeps charging toward us . Just when we think it 's going to hit us , it starts to fly over us . The tail end of the truck lands on me and two other guys . It feels like it 's crushing us , but we don 't die . 2 ) I 'm at a really big church , attending a service on Sunday morning . After the service , I 'm walking out and see a little shop next to the exit . I go inside and buy a poster . When I pay for it , the cashier girl apologises because it 's a really expensive poster . I tell her I don 't care . There are two girls in line behind me , and they are giggling . I glance at them , and one says , " You smell like alcohol ! " I tell the cashier girl I 'd also like a Corona , and she rings it up and hands it to me . Then the girl behind me says , " Your fingernails are dirty ! " I tell her I work construction , and then I give her the poster I just bought . They both giggle some more . I walk outside with the beer and start drinking it . I 'm trying to remember where I parked , and I 'm trying to think of the best place to drink the beer . I don 't want to sit in my truck and drink it , but there aren 't any tables or anything around . 1 ) My parents and their friends are visiting Vegas with me . I have my own hotel room , and one day I come back and there 's some old guy sitting on my bed . I start talking to him , and he 's really nice , but he keeps wanting me to lay down with him . I ask how he got in , and he says there weren 't any other rooms left , so they just threw him in with me . I leave the room and meet my parents at the mall inside the casino . I see an Armani store , and I 'm trying on sunglasses . My parents tell me they 're going to buy my a pair , but I can 't decide on which ones I want . I can tell the sales lady is getting frustrated because I keep trying on different pairs and none of them look just right . One pair looks like it was made out of meat , and when I pick them up , they fall apart . Mom gives me some really expensive gloves , and I think she wants me to use them to pay for the sunglasses , but the Armani lady says they only take cash . 1 ) It 's near Christmas , and I 'm back in Kentucky . I 'm doing some Christmas shopping . After leaving the mall , I go by Toys - R - Us , and it 's really new and modern . They have all these really fancy , hi - tech toys . I go to another part of the store , and it 's all action figures . Everyone is sitting around playing with these GI Joes that take on the shape of your face when you hold them . I go to another part and see a bunch of life - size Transformers , and they 're having an argument about something . I see all my friends from Italy there , and they 're talking about how you can become a cartoon character on the Simpsons , and when you sleep , your cartoon character self lives in Simpsonland . It kinda creeps me out , so I pass . Jason says he needs to go home , but he doesn 't want to sleep at his house , so I tell him he can crash at my house . 1 ) I 'm at my house in Morganfield , and I walk outside into the driveway . I look over at the Gamblin 's house , and it looks like they 're getting ready to go boating . Garah comes over and we start talking . I tell her I 'm thinking about going to the river today , too , and she says she 'll come with me . We walk to the river , and there 's a big marina there . David Bowie has a houseboat there , and it 's really modern and brightly coloured . We go onto the house boat , and I see Brian Doughty there . Garah starts talking to David Bowie , and I 'm talking to Brian , but the whole time , I 'm wondering what Garah and David are talking about . 1 ) I 'm working on a weekend , and I keep switching in and out of uniform . I 'm doing some repairs on a well , and MSgt Hammes and SSgt Barnett show up . They say there 's just looking around , but I feel like they 're checking up on me . I go home and Abby is there . We 're hanging out in my living room , and Abby says , " Is that a horse in your yard ? " I look outside , and there 's a horse walking just outside my fence . I walk outside , and my vision starts to get really blurry , especially in my right eye . After that , we meet up with Shaun and go to some guy 's house because he 's having a party . The whole time I 'm worried about having to go to work or getting a standby call . There are lots of drugs there , and even though Shaun acts freaked out , I think he secretly wants to try some . We leave the party , and I go to my parents ' house , which looks like a cross between their house and my house . Nobody 's home , so I go inside and start playing with Rudy . I let him outside , and he 's really excited and starts running around . I 'm chasing him around and laughing . There 's a big waterslide in the back yard , and he keeps jumping in and sliding down . One time he jumps in and the pressure surges and he comes out the bottom really fast and hits the house really hard . I run over and see him lying in a pile of leaves . I pick him up and he 's broken his neck and he 's not breathing . I start crying . 1 ) I 've been volunteered to meet General Franklin 's ( the base commander for Aviano ) plane , so I put on my best uniform and head to the flightline . His plane lands , and I walk up the stairs and salute and all the other stuff I 'm supposed to do . Then I see the whole USAFE commander with him , so I do all the proper military stuff again . General Franklin starts joking around with me and tells me to loosen up . We leave the plane , and I meet his assistant , another Staff . He and I and couple other airmen walk behind the hangar and we 're looking around for some kind of part he needs to fix the airplane . I ask him how he likes his job , and he says it 's pretty cool , but he doesn 't have time to meet girls or anything . 1 ) I 'm managing a band , and we have a deal set up with a guy who runs a club . The band is supposed to play there , and the club guy is supposed to promote it , but he 's backing out on his end of the deal . Meanwhile , I have to go to work on base on a weekend and take care of some wells . I 'm driving around base trying to find some chlorine and I get a standby call at the dorm . I get there and I 'm looking for a certain dorm room , wondering if it 's someone I know . After that , I 'm hanging out with Abby and bunch of her friends . We 're playing Pictionary , and everything Abby draws has to do with nursing , but nobody can guess what she 's drawing because nobody else knows anything about nursing and she 's drawing really complicated stuff . After that , we go to a mall , and I walk into a music store and see all these Madonna albums I don 't own . I 'm wondering how I 'd never heard of them before . 1 ) I 'm at a Madonna concert . She 's performing in a big stadium , and is using the entire field as her stage . I 'm sitting at a bar at one end with a bunch of girls I don 't know . They 're really nice , though , and we keep buying each other drinks . Madonna has an entire marching band with her , and I keep watching the video screens because I can 't see very well from where I am . Toward the end of the show , Madonna pulls me up and puts this red jacket on me . She tells me she 's going to start singing , and I have to lead the way where she 's going to walk through the crowd . I tell her she 's probably going to get mauled by everyone , but she doesn 't care . 1 ) I 'm in Kentucky , and I 'm going on a big camping trip with a bunch of people . We 're going to caravan , with some people driving a big truck with bicycles and motorcycles towed behind . I 'm riding a really cool blue sport bike , and we 're getting ready to cross the bridge over the Ohio . I see something to the side of the road right before we get to the bridge , so I stop . Someone has gone off the road and down into the riverbank . A few others in the caravan stop behind me . I get out my phone , which looks really different , and try to call 911 . Some really hot black girl has her cell phone out , too , but whenever she opens it up , it messes up everyone else 's reception . Ryan was in a vehicle ahead of us , and he comes back across the river to find out what 's up . He says he 's going to take my bike across and put it on the trailer . Before I can say anything , he 's already on my bike , but when I look again , there are two bicycles instead of one motorcycle . He pedals away , and I 'm still trying to find out what happened to the guy who went into the river . I 'm in a big city in Japan , perhaps Sendai , and I 'm walking around downtown trying to find where I 'm supposed to be . I walk into a school , but I can 't read any of the signs , so I 'm following pictures and end up in a pit at the bottom of some stairs . I get out and walk outside , and end up getting on some kind of rainbow coloured blimp with a bunch of other Americans . But we 're not in the blimp . . . we 're riding on top of it , but it has seats there , so it 's kinda safe . Still , when we 're flying through the air , I keep feeling like I 'm falling off . The lady next to me keeps grabbing me by my pants and pulling me back on . The blimp lands in another city ( Morioka ? ) , and we all get off . I see Rachel walking with another girl , but she doesn 't look interested in talking to me . I walk to a cool concert venue that I think I 've been to before , possibly with Caleb Moore . I 'm walking around campus at Kentucky Wesleyan . It 's getting dark and I need to head home . I get in my truck and drive to some kind of underground ferry . I get out of my car and see Katie Holmes . I start walking with her toward the passenger deck , but I can 't get on because I left my ID in my car . Jack Black is there , and he starts making threats toward us . I don 't have time to get my ID , so I start wandering around the parking garage part with Katie . Jack is following us , and we 're really scared . He keeps getting closer and closer , saying he 's going to kill us . Katie runs away , and I turn around just as Jack is getting ready to jump me . I put my hands out and grab his neck . I start strangling him . I 'm surprised at how easy it is . He falls over in a corner , dead . I 'm so tired I pass out . I wake up and Katie is standing over me . She helps me up and I realise I 've been sleeping next to Jack 's body . We walk outside and the sun has come up . 1 ) It 's night time , and I 'm in a big hedge maze , but the hedges are pretty low , so I can see around okay . It 's big enough to drive my truck through , and there are all kinds of old statues everywhere . Tavia and Theresa are there , and we 're looking for Theresa 's son , Landon . I keep running into people I know from high school , but I can never talk long to any of them because we 're trying to find Landon . We find a bunch of people on a hayride going through the maze , so we jump on board and start looking for Landon . The people on the hayride are kinda surprised , but we tell them we 're on a mission . We get back in my truck and head toward this huge mansion on one side off the maze . We get closer and we see Landon playing in one of the rooms on the second story . Theresa says we can go back and talk to my high school friends because she just wanted to know where he was . 1 ) I 'm in a big casino with a group of people I don 't know very well . I 'm walking around and this really hairy midget starts robbing people at gunpoint . I get on the ground and hope that he doesn 't see me , but he does . I start talking to him , and he gets really annoyed . He turns around and starts rolling around on the carpet . I get up and run up to the hotel . I see a group of lesbians and they say they 're having a party in their room , so I join them . I go into their hotel room and I feel really out of place . I 'm going to the lake with Garah and Cale . We 're staying in a condo and we have to walk a short distance to get to the marina anytime we want to go out on the boat . When we walk to the marina , we pass by a group of carpenters who are always working . We get to the lake and we 're riding around in the boat , and I 'm in the water and I swim to the shore and find all kinds of guns and knives laying on the bank . I 'm worried that a little kid will find them , so I look for a policeman or coast guard guy to tell . We go back to the condo and I buy some beer , but when we go back to the boat , I 've forgotten the beer at the condo . We stop to eat , and I tell Garah I 'm gonna run back and get the beer , but she says she 'll be fine with water , so I forget about the beer . 1 ) I 'm on some kind of retreat , but I 'm not sure if it 's Church - or military - related . We 're in a field , playing games and stuff . That evening , we 're gathered in a building with a bunch of windows . Amber Lauer and I start talking about how there was a bunch of garbage around and how nobody picked up after themselves . She looks out the window behind me and gasps . I turn around and , off in the distance , I see this guy with a big pumpkin head and there 's stuff exploding all around him . We all look out the window . When he sees us , he pours something in a little cup and throws it . It hits the side of the building we 're in and it blows up . Nobody is hurt , but everyone is panicking . He runs away , but still keeps throwing these little explosives at us . None of them hit us again . 1 ) I 'm staying in a hotel on a base somewhere , and it 's time for me to check out . There were some other people staying in the same room as me , but they 've already left . I go to the front desk , and the lady there tells me I have to have my room checked before I can leave . I go outside and walk around the back side of the building and take an outdoor elevator up to my floor . I have to crawl in a window to get to my room , and when I get there , the lady tells me I 'm good to go , but I have to turn in my key . I tell her I 've already turned in my key , and she says she 'll have to go check . I go back to the front desk , and there 's another lady working there who has made some pastries and she 's really nice . I ask her if I can leave , and she says it 's okay . I walk out the door and walk into a downtown market area . Amy Nelson is there , and she 's dyed her hair black and grey . I talk to her for a minute , and then Paris Hilton comes and sits on my lap . At first , I 'm kinda excited , but I don 't want people thinking I 'm the kind of guy who sucks up to Paris Hilton , so I throw her off my lap , and start walking out of town . 1 ) I 'm a little kid again , and I 'm riding in a hot air balloon with my Dad . We 're going all over the area around our house , and he 's telling me all kinds of stories of things that have happened there in the past . I look down and see that we 're right over a big swimming pool . Dad starts taking us lower , but something happens and we descend really quick . We hit the water and go really deep . I start to wonder if we 're going to live and if Dad will be able to save us . 2 ) I 'm going to work , and after I get on base , I stop at the shoppette to grab a coffee and a pastry . I 'm waiting in line , and Kylie Minogue is in there . I 'm trying not to stare , but she 's really gorgeous . I 'm waiting in line to pay , and this other guy comes up and keeps giving me flyers for concerts and other things he 's selling . Kylie is in line right behind me and she starts dancing around and gets really close to me . Then she starts licking my face and grabbing my junk . We 're dancing and talking . I think she 's trying to sell something , but I keep dancing anyway . She 's basically on top of me , and I 'm wondering how long this has gone on . I grab my phone and see that the time is 7 : 19 , so I drop Kylie and run outside because I 'm late for work . When I get outside , there are a bunch of cops running around in field gear . They tell me to get on the ground because we 're getting attacked . I reach in my pocket to grab my keys and see that I 've left them inside . It 's raining , and I lay in the mud , but it 's surprisingly warm . I wish I could have made it to my car , but at least now I won 't get in trouble for being late . 1 ) I 'm at some kind of family gathering . My grandparents are there , and so is Charis Young . But everyone else is from the cast of Roseanne . I think they 're having a party for me , but I 'm getting overwhelmed , and keep going to the bathroom and sitting on the floor . A girl from the party comes into the bathroom , and she 's really attractive , and I 'm not sure where I know her from . We start talking and end up making out . While we 're making out , Charis walks in and gets really upset . I go back to the party and everyone 's angry with me and leaving . I follow the Roseanne people back to a big apartment building next to an airport . They 're still very angry with me and go to bed , but I stay up . I 'm looking out the window toward the airport , and I 'm watching the planes land and take off . This really huge plane is coming in for a landing , and it looks like it 's starting to take off again , and then it crashes . The explosion is huge and is knocking buildings over . Our apartment building is really close and I 'm wondering if it 's going to get knocked over . I go into the other bedroom and wake up John Goodman , but he doesn 't care . I go back to the window and just as I get there , the whole apartment building starts to fall over . 2 ) I 'm in Italy , and I go to some kind of amusement park . I decide to walk home and take a shortcut through a little park . I see Michelle Pfeiffer sitting on a blanket and Cate Blanchett walking down a path that crosses mine . I smile politely and say hi . I cross the street and there are lots of cars coming , but they all stop for me . After I cross the street , I 'm walking by a fence . I stretch out my arm and touch the fence , but as soon as I touch it , it gets really hard to walk . My legs get really stiff , and I 'm trying to pull myself along by the fence . 1 ) Jerry Howard and I are walking through the mall in Owensboro . We pass by some guys that are selling bicycles , and they 're trying really hard to get us to buy one . While they 're talking to us , I look over and see the store I used to work at while I was in college , and Cindy Collier is still working there . I brush off the bike salesmen , and Jerry and I walk in to see Cindy . She gives me a hug and immediately starts talking about all the guys that are asking her out . I 'm assuming she 's gotten a divorce , but I don 't want to ask outright . She keeps talking , and eventually gets around to why she divorced her husband . She talks about how he 's now a music teacher and he 's never home and she couldn 't handle it anymore . She even gets her work schedule and shows it to me as evidence that she works all the time because her husband is never home . I feel bad for her , and I want to talk to her , but she won 't shut up about her divorce . I look at Jerry and he rolls his eyes and leaves the store . I 'm trying to slowly inch my way out of the store , but every time I get close , Cindy grabs me by the arm and pulls me back in . 1 ) I 'm watching a music awards show on television , and there are tons of great bands there . The venue isn 't very big , and they 're all sitting at tables . The President comes out to make a speech , and when the camera pans the audience , they 're all making faces and rolling their eyes . I see Peaches there , and she 's crawling on the table and pouring water on herself . I think it 's awesome and wish I was there , and suddenly , I 'm at the ceremony sitting in a big chair in the middle of the room . Franz Ferdinand comes out to play , and when the Alex comes out , he trips and falls . Then , every time another band comes out to play , someone from the band falls down , and it 's a big joke the rest of the evening . 2 ) Something having to do with a big chair in my parents ' living room , and there 's some orange candy that fell down between the cushions . For some reason , my Mom thinks it 's mouse poop , and she freaks out when I reach in a grab it , but I keep telling her it 's just candy . I also find lots of other stuff like a tape measure and catalogues . 3 ) My family and Garah come to visit me in Italy , and it 's the same week that a bunch of my friends from SLC come to visit . I tell all my friends I 'll meet them at the mall because I 'm not sure my parents would get along with my friends . But when I go to the mall to meet them , I bring my parents and Garah along . We stop outside the mall , and they want to have a picnic because Garah has baked a cake for me . We 're trying to eat , but my SLC friends keep calling and asking for directions because they 've never driven in Italy before and don 't know where to go . 4 ) I 'm watching an episode of Six Feet Under , but the cast is totally different . Sally Field is the mom and Christina Ricci plays a cousin who comes to stay with them . There 's also an infant they 've taken custody of , but the infant 's natural grandmother wants the baby back . Christina Ricci keeps arguing with the brother and sister , and Sally Field goes outside because the grandmother just drove up . I 'm standing in the yard watching the two Posted by 1 ) I 'm driving to a big mall , and I 'm not sure if malls are the same in Italy , so I 'm looking all over for a parking spot and trying to do the same thing as everyone else . I go inside , and there 's a big Wal - Mart , and it 's all Americans working inside . I walk inside , and they 're trying to sell me a television , and keep pressuring me into looking at these off - brand big screen TVs . They have a form to fill out so they know what you 're interested in , so I fill out a form , but I don 't pay any attention to what I 'm writing . Then all these salespeople are following me around . I finally get out of the Wal - Mart , and as I 'm walking back through the mall , I see Stephanie Howard , and she 's soaking wet . I walk up to her and ask if there 's anything I can do . She says yes , but doesn 't tell me what . She goes into the restroom , and I stand outside the door . She opens the door and gives me her wet clothes . I start looking around the mall for women 's clothing stores so I can buy her dry clothes . I 'm in Utah , and I 'm getting ready to drive to Baltimore , but instead of my truck , I 'm in a big van . I 'm running a few errands before I leave , and Chris and Doug are with me . We stop by a grocery store to grab some munchies , and while we 're in there , I see this guy acting really weird . He 's clearly unstable , and he creeps me out . I tell Chris and Doug we need to leave , but they 're talking and kinda brush me off . I grab Chris by the arm and start yelling at Doug . I finally get them out of the store , and as soon as the door shuts , a bomb goes off . We keep walking down the sidewalk and get back in my van . We 're kinda freaked out , but we don 't stick around . We just drive down the road . 1 ) I 'm in Mrs . Edmondson 's English class back in high school . She divides us up into groups of five or six , and we have to go on a big scavenger hunt . The list she gives us isn 't the actual things we have to get , but clues we have to solve to find out what we have to get . The clue I 'm working on says something about ingredients in some kind of junk food , so I go to the grocery store , and I 'm running all over checking ingredients in ice cream and candy and stuff . I 'm trying to keep up with everyone else on my team , but they 're all looking for different clues , so we keep getting separated . I can 't find what I 'm looking for , and keep re - reading the clue . I check in with Mrs . Edmondson , and one team already has their first object . I look at the clue again , and decide to check out the frozen cheesecakes . I 'm trying to find them in the grocery store , but I somehow get lost and end up in come kind of carnival with a bunch of games . 1 ) I 'm at work , and the structures guys ask if I can help out on a project . We gather a bunch of parts together and go out to the flightline . Romy and I get on this platform and it raises us up a couple hundred feet in the air . It 's really shakey and I 'm nervous we 're gonna fall off . We 're not tied off or anything , and I 'm sitting down . I can tell Romy is a little nervous , too . There 's another platform up there that we have to work on , and every time I have to go over to the other one , it teeters a little and parts fall off the side . I look down and see all the other guys watching us . 1 ) I 'm in my truck and I 'm pulling up to go shopping at a Banana Republic . I leave my sunglasses in my car because I don 't want to lose them . I go inside and see Aaron Fenstermaker working . I run up to her and hug her and ask why she 's working at Banana in Utah . We chat for a bit , and then I see all kinds of people I know working there , including Sharon from Roosters . I 'm walking around the store , and I get confused by which section is the men 's section and which is the women 's . I look down and my pants are gone and all I can see is my boxers . I 'm walking around looking to see if anyone has my pants . I keep telling myself I 'm not dreaming because I can feel my toes moving around in my shoes . I look back down , and I have my pants on again , but my wallet and keys are gone . I see a bunch of thugs walking around , and I 'm almost certain they 're the ones who took my pants . I kinda follow them around the store and purposefully bump into one of them . He glares at me and I glare back at him . I walk back over to Aaron and ask her if she saw anything , but she didn 't . 1 ) I 'm in an antique mall with my Mom and two girls who I think are twins , but they must be fraternal because one is blond and the other is brunette . We 're walking around , and I come across an old corridor , and open up a big door into the floor . I just open it a little bit , but some kind of spirit flies out and there 's glitter all over the place . I get this wonderful feeling and I can 't stop smiling . I find Mom and the twins and they 're feeling really good , too . We keep walking around the mall , and I go back and check on the big door . It opens a little more and more glitter comes out . Every time I check on it , it 's opened a little more . When it opens all the way , I 'm feeling really , really good , but when I go to find Mom and the twins , I can 't find them . I go into one store , and see them , but I get closer and they 've turned into statues . I start freaking out and wondering if anyone will believe me . I look to see how much the price tag on them is so I can buy them and take them home to see if I can fix them . 2 ) I 'm snowboarding at some resort I 've never been to before . Jay is there with me , and it 's getting close to the end of the day . He tells me he 's been charged with some kind of crime in Indiana , but he 's going to give them my name to get him off the hook since I 'll be in Italy . He keeps telling me to come visit him , but if the cops are going to be looking for me , I don 't want to . We go into the lodge to warm up , and I 'm trying to get a picture of the side of the mountain , but every time I get ready to take one , it gets really foggy . 1 ) I 'm standing outside Buckingham Palace with a little girl and we 're playing a video game that 's been set up for display . An old lady walks by and says something about watching our backs . We hear a gunshot go off , and I turn around to see a lady fall on the ground and into an underground tunnel . I run up to her , and see that it 's Princess Diana . I take off my jacket and put it around her . I keep telling her she 'll be fine and yelling at everyone else to call an ambulance . She 's very calm , but she keeps wanting to turn over . I tell her to remain still . 1 ) I 'm flying somewhere out of SLC , and I have a layover in Boise . When I get there , they tell everyone that all flights have been cancelled because a big blizzard is on the way . I ask a lady if they 're going to put us up in a hotel , and she says no . I start looking around the airport for good places to crash , but every time I find one , someone takes it right before I do . I 'm trying to think if I know anyone in Boise , and the only person I can think of that 's been stationed near there is Steve Gerke , but I don 't have his number , so I call Jason Johnson to see if he has it , but he doesn 't Then I call Chad because I know he used to live in Boise and still has a lot of friends here . And I 'm thinking maybe he can pull some strings and one of them will let me stay at his place and shower and stuff . I call Chad , but instead I get his Mom 's voicemail , so I leave a message asking if somehow Chad could give me a call back . I get a call back from Chad and he says he changed his number because he has a new job as a flight attendant . I start talking to this really hot flight attendant who 's also stuck in the airport , and she and I watch a movie on my laptop . 1 ) It 's my first day back at work , and I 'm running late . As I 'm going through the gate , I realise I still haven 't gotten a haircut yet , and there 's no way I can show up like this . I drive around the flightline trying to decide what to do . I stop at the gym hoping to find a barber shop . Weird Al is sitting in a table there , and he says he needs me to take my PT test . I tell him I can 't because I just went snowboarding the day before and my abs are sore . I ask him to call Dr . Earle ( my old piano professor ) and tell her I have to get a haircut before coming in to work . I sit with him and two girls at a table waiting for a barber . After that , I go outside but I can 't find my car . I end up walking to the house in Morganfield , and it looks like my Mom is home for lunch . I go next door to Garah 's house , and there 's a girl with green skin in their garage . She 's some kind of mutant , and I ask if she can get me back to base . She grabs me and we start flying toward base , but she doesn 't take me all the way there . I get onto base , and I see a bunch of kids walking to school . I see the mutant girl , but she doesn 't have green skin anymore . Christian . Vegetarian . Social . Mac user . Runner . Activ ( ist ) . Moody . World Traveler . Addicted to tattoos , live music , independent film , snowboarding , and junk food . Appreciates clean bed linens , Pablo Picasso , Guinness Irish Stout , gentle kisses , and a good book in a coffee shop . |
This short story set in the Savannah Zombie Novel universe takes place at the same time as the first entry , A New Death . It focuses in on thirteen year old CJ and his family , who appear in A New Darkness . This story bridges books 1 and 2 . Haha , jk . It 's weird though , because this is the first time I 've really put my work out there locally . My books have been in several local bookstores , but unless someone just walked in there , they would have no idea my books exist . Last year , I attended the Savannah Zombie Walk , but the event was moved to April , so I will be doing a book signing on Halloween instead . It will be at E . Shaver , Bookseller , which is a cool local bookstore in downtown Savannah . ( I say cool , because there are other local bookstores , who are , um … not so cool . ) It 's for a great cause too . To get your FREE zombie make up , all you have to do is make a canned food donation to the America 's Second Harvest of Coastal Georgia . Check out the website below : Don 't forget to pre - order A New Darkness ! You 'll save 33 % from weekend launch price and a whoppin ' 66 % from regular list price ! Click on the banner below ! The wood crackled and shifted in the brick fireplace . Lexx leaned forward and placed another log into the slowly dying fire . It quickly caught flame and the fire grew . Before reclining back into his spot against the couch , he pulled a small sliver from the fire and held the burning tip to his newly found cigar . He puffed patiently , allowing the tobacco to light . A sweet smelling smoke filled the room , but no one seemed to mind . The man grinned his boyish - grin and sat back into his spot next to Tori on the carpet . Josh lay adjacent to them in the love seat ; his feet pointed towards the warmth of the fireplace . His eyes were shut , most likely resting , not sleeping . Every now and again , his toes would wiggle , almost to acknowledge he was still awake . Everyone was exhausted . It could be seen on each one of their faces . The events of the past few days had been physically wearing , and just as emotionally tiresome . After leaving Savannah and the trials that they faced there , the road to Josh 's family did not seem any easier . Three times already they have had to find an alternate route due to road blocks . Once , they actually found themselves on I - 16 which should have been clogged with fleeing traffic , but due to a massive pile - up , was mostly empty past Effingham County . And then there were the dead . Their numbers weren 't swollen like in the city , but the small groups that banded together out in the country could be just as frustrating . They did seem to group together . Josh was convinced that the undead didn 't " communicate " in a normal sense , but when one moaned , the others heard it and moved in that direction . He was afraid of them grouping in large numbers , like at the grocery store and the day he rescued the others . But despite all this , despite that they were probably still a day 's journey from his family , everyone was in good spirits . The house they were currently in was a God - send . It was tucked out of the way , away from the roads and neighboring homes . And best of all , it was left almost entirely intact . Whoever lived here , left everything and split . There was the possibility that they never came home , but no one ever brought that up . Jeremy tried not to think about Ben , to which he immediately felt somewhat guilty for trying to do . He did want to remember him , but it was still hard . The two men had formed a friendship against the backdrop of the end of the world . Jeremy was just glad that the Lumberjack got what he deserved for killing Ben . " So , Josh , " Lexx started . " I still haven 't heard how you ended up being in the right place at the right time . I didn 't have the pleasure of riding in the cab of the truck . " " Yeah , that 's fine , I guess . Not like we 'll be sleeping much anyway , " he said , playfully elbowing Tori in her ribs . She pushed him away , but couldn 't hide the small smile on her face . Everyone settled down . Tori and Lexx moved from the floor to the couch ; Jeremy brought the seat up , but left the footrest out for optimal foot warming from the fire . Lexx reached over , grabbed the blanket sitting on the arm of the couch and then to proceeded to cover himself and Tori . She snuggled into his side . " Work sent me down to Brunswick late in the afternoon last Thursday . We were finishing a job down there , a high school , and had to get a whole bunch of our ladders and tools out of the building . It was this whole last minute " fiasco " ( he uses " air - quotes " ) , and the stuff had to be out of the school by that night . So , I got the pleasure of driving south and picking everything up . I left our shop - Can I just say something real quick ? I think it 's crazy how the warehouse that y ' all met in and spent your first night together , is the same place I work . I mean , what are those odds ? That you would stay there and then later , when all hope seems lost , who shows up ? Just a guy driving a truck from the same exact place ! Anyways , just thought I 'd say that . So , I left the shop sometime around two , I think ? Yeah , it was around two , because I remember thinking about how Brunswick is an hour away , and that meant two hours of travel time and however long it would take to load everything on the truck . And it was so hot that day . So freaking hot . I get down to the job site around three . Everything was still normal then . A couple of the guys met me outside the school and informed me that they were still hunting down ladders within the building . Tools have a great way of disappearing on construction sites , but I digress . It takes us an hour to track down the last five remaining ladders . The school was massive , this two - story deal , with a huge courtyard in the middle of it . Everything there was state of the art . Real top - notch kind of place . Kids would have been lucky to have gone there if they ever got the chance . But now they won 't . At least for now . I was fixing to crank up the truck and leave , when we heard the first of the screams . They came from the front side of the building . The three of us ran towards the commotion ; I left the keys dangling in the ignition . I quickly passed both of them . Both were chain - smokers and both were having trouble catching their breath . What they were about to see , would not help . I got there first and knew instantly what was going on . When I saw the four bodies hunched over the kicking and screaming man , I knew exactly what I was looking at . There was no question in my mind . But , even though I knew what was happening , my body wouldn 't react . I remember standing there , frozen to the ground ; my brain racing to process this new information . I screamed within my skull , yelling at myself to move , to act somehow . Johnny and Larry finally arrived next to me . Johnny was keeled over , trying to catch his breath . I seemed to snap out of my daze when they showed up . Larry 's jaw hung open . He went to move forward , to try and help the attacked man , but I held him back . There was nothing we could do for him now . I 'll spare you the details , because I 'm sure you 're aware of the gore these monsters are capable of inflicting . Even if we did get him away from the feeding , there was no way the three of us blue - collar boys would know how to put everything back in him , in the right places . The four zombies were a mixed bag of characters . One construction worker , complete with reflective vest and hardhat . One college kid from the neighboring local university across the street . A guy in business suit and one soccer mom . Of the four , she looked the most fresh , but I would still have classified them as the ' slower ' ones . She noticed us first . Forgetting about the meal in front of her , she slowly stood up , meat hanging from her mouth , and began shambling in our direction . I think my co - workers were still confused at the time as to what was really going on . Larry moved forward again , and for the second time , I held him back . ' There 's nothing we can do for her now , Larry , ' I said . ' We have to go . It 's not safe to stay here . ' He looked at me like I was insane . His shoulder jerked out of my hand as he made his way towards the dead woman . Her arms reached out to him , welcoming his approach . I motioned to Johnny for us to leave . He hesitated a moment , but nodded , and we turned to run . I looked around . More corpses were wandering onto the jobsite . How there were that many , so quick , I don 't understand . It was almost like a switch was flipped and they came off an assembly line . We made the plan to go to his house first . He lived right outside of Brunswick , so it wasn 't far . I knew I had to get to my family back in Savannah , but between my brother - in - law and father - in - law , I knew they would get out of the city safely . My plan was to get Johnny set at his place and then go north from there . At the time , I didn 't know it would take me several days to get back home . I spent that first night at Johnny 's place , helping him set up some defenses . His plan was to hunker down and ride this thing out . And for him that was a great plan . He had mountains of those military meal - ready - to - eat 's , guns galore , and a great location . His home was situated deep within the woods and far enough away from the general population . In the whole time I 've known Johnny , I never would have known he was a doomsday prepper . I left early that next morning . He offered for me to take some MRE 's for the road , so I took several . Those things are definitely designed for essential nutrition , not taste ! ( He chuckles to himself . ) The military 's take on mashed potatoes was indeed questionable . I thanked him and wished him luck before I drove off . Interstate 95 was out of the question . From the exit ramp , I could see it was completely clogged with cars and chaos . I knew I would be taking back roads , but which ones I was unsure . Normally , I would carry a map of Georgia with me . Despite my driving all over the state for my company , they seemed to think that directions scribbled down on a yellow piece of paper were far more superior to a GPS system . I got lost one time too many , so I finally broke down and bought a good old - fashioned folding map . Never got lost again . Highway 17 would have been my next best choice of getting home as quickly as possible . And it would have been , if I didn 't keep running into roadblocks of all freaking kinds . Car wrecks were the worst . Some I was able to get by , thanks to the new brush - guard my company bought for the truck . Others on the other hand required some extensive backtracking and huge losses of time . I eventually had to stop for the night . I didn 't want to risk anything in the dark . Being out in the country , the only light I had was the moon , the stars , and the headlights of the truck . Long story short , I found an old , abandoned barn to sleep in . I didn 't want to sleep in the truck , running the chance of getting surrounded and trapped . My cell phone didn 't have any reception , and I don 't think it was because I was in the middle of nowhere . I had the sneaky suspicion that no cell phones had reception . Anywhere . The next morning , I woke up and made my way down to the truck . I was stopped when I saw one lone zombie wandering between the truck and myself . It was a little boy , maybe ten years old . He wore a Buzz Lightyear t - shirt and stained matching pajama pants . His skin was their trademark pale , his eyes sunken and dark . Small bits of blood gathered around his lips . I wished Johnny would have offered me one of his guns , a pistol at least , but the only thing I had for a weapon was the steel pipe I kept on the truck . It was about a foot and a half long , with a ninety - degree elbow on the end . I kept it on the truck , just in case I ever got into any trouble and needed some physical reinforcement . The boy saw me and began to shamble in my direction . Zombie children are not really something you see a lot of in zombie video games or movies . And I understand why now . His gait was uneven as he hobbled over to me , his little jaw clamping open and shut . He held up his arms , fingers curled , reaching for me . I knew what I had to do ; I just didn 't want to . I swung the pipe , the steel elbow connecting with the boy 's temple . His skull quickly shattered and his body fell limp onto the ground in front of me , thick , red blood oozing from the gaping wound in his head . I stood there in silence for a moment , not sure what to do with myself . The boy was in between the ages of my niece and nephew . My desire to get home grew exponentially . I would pull into the Savannah area later that night . My wife 's sister and her family lived outside of Savannah in Port Wentworth . It took some time avoiding the city , but I finally made it to their house around ten . The place was a mess when I got there . A pile of bodies in the living room , the front door broken in , everything missing from the cabinets , and a trail of blood leading away from the pantry to outside . At first , I was really worried , but quickly relaxed a little . All the food was missing . It took me a minute to realize that meant they were alive . Scavengers wouldn 't have taken everything . Pots , pans , and all the other cooking utensils were gone too . No , my family made it out alive . I was still concerned with all the blood though . Obviously , the bodies in the living room were zombies who had broken in the front door . As I pulled them back outside , I took note of the bullet holes in each one 's forehead . No doubt , my brother - in - law 's doing . The last one I went to pull out didn 't have a bullet wound in the head , no , its face was smashed in completely . I spent some time securing the front and back doors as best as I could , before I walked around and inspected the house . Like I said , the kitchen was empty . I guess they didn 't think I 'd want a snack . Luckily , I still had one MRE left . After finishing that off , I went to check the rest of the house . The master bedroom was a mess , but to be honest , that was somewhat normal . I walked into the adjoining bathroom . " " There was a note written to me on the mirror . It was written by my wife informing me that they were gone to the cabin . The cabin is an old farmhouse that we restored out past Statesboro . It 's our little vacation spot . I had feeling they would be there , but knew I should check Savannah first before heading out west , just in case they didn 't make it out . But seeing her handwriting on the mirror was just further evidence that they had escaped . She also left me the combination to the gun safe as well . I was relieved that although they didn 't leave me anything to eat , they had at least thought to leave me a weapon . Upon opening the safe , I found out that wasn 't entirely the case . Sitting inside the safe was a single six - shot , snub - nosed revolver . And one bullet . One . A note written on a post - it , in my brother - in - law 's handwriting , read , ' just in case . ' Just in case ? It took me a second to understand what it meant . It was a way out . Not that I would use it now , but if I ever got trapped and the only way out was to become a walking corpse , this would give me an alternative . It made me smile , because they knew that I would make it to them alive . They knew there was no way I would let it come to that . And they were right . I woke up the next morning ready to get to my family . As I passed my niece and nephew 's bedrooms upstairs , I stopped and remembered the two of them and how much they meant to me and my wife . We loved those kids like our own . CJ was thirteen now and just growing into this awesome guy . He was huge for his age , as tall as me and his father , maybe even taller . The boy was solid too . He had played football since me and his aunt started dating . But the kid had character too . He was light years ahead of his friends in maturity . He was respectful and a hard worker . While most kids his age were playing video games , he was restoring a Chevrolet Chevelle with his father so he would have a car when he was sixteen . Crazy , right ? You know what I was doing at thirteen ? Trying to figure out how to catch all the Pokémon ! " " Hailey , " Josh continued . " Hailey was just as much fun . She was eight going on nine and talked nonstop . She had grown into that age where everything she thought , was also broadcasted to the world . It could grow old real quick , but I would have given anything then to hear her little voice . As I took one final look at her room , before passing on , I noticed that all her stuffed animals were still sitting on her bed . I guess Chris didn 't let her take any , to save room in the vehicles for important things . I walked into her room and grabbed the green frog I had seen her with numerous times . I smiled and went downstairs . After retrieving the revolver from the gun safe , I had left it there the night before ; I made my way to the back door . The blood leading out from the pantry began to worry me . Why would there have been a bloody something in the pantry ? It was empty now , so whatever it was , was long gone . I shook it off and readied myself for what could be waiting for me outside . I opened the back door and there were three zombies in between me and the truck . Two of them I didn 't recognize , but one I did . It was Susan Powers , whom the kids lovingly called , " Ms . P . " She was missing chunks of flesh from her right arm and neck . She was wearing a half - open bathrobe and pink house slippers . Her eyes were the same dead black just like all the others , any trace of who the woman was before long gone . The three of them smelled me and fumbled their way up the steep driveway . I clutched the steel pipe tightly as I ran towards them . I swung the pipe connecting with the first one 's forehead , a mist of red spraying me in the face . I pulled the elbow out of its skull and swung again , bringing the pipe across the second one 's face . It too caved in , leaving me and Ms . P . She wasn 't the least bit concerned with her fallen friends ' demises , but continued her small uncoordinated steps towards me . No remorse , no concern except to feed . I put her down quickly as well . More dead were coming into the neighborhood , so I made haste to get into the truck and leave . I pulled out of there quick , as the mass of undead inhabitants poured in . I wasn 't sure if they smelled my fresh meat , or maybe it was the sound of the truck , but they were coming from all over . " I stopped and … and there she was . She was standing there in the middle of the road , almost as if she was blocking me in . It didn 't take long for me to notice who the short , little , blonde haired , once blue eyed girl was who stood out in front of me . Except her eyes were no longer the vivid blue , but black as starless night . Near her ankle were the remains of dried blood . In the hand of her slack left arm a pink teddy bear was still grasped . I remember getting out of the still running truck and walking up to her . She let out a small moan as I neared ; my hands trembling . I had left the pipe on the seat of the truck . What was I to do ? The fact that she was standing there in front of me , dead , well , all the hope I had of finding my family alive vanished . Her one free arm reached out for her uncle and it took everything in me not to reach out and pull her in and whisper that everything was going to be okay . " I was sitting in the truck after that when your voice came on the radio . You sounded so scared and like you had no way out . I 'm not sure why , but I knew I had to help you . " As Jeremy lay in the bed , staring up in the ceiling , his mind wandered in thought . He felt sorry for Josh and the loss of his niece . He knew what it was like to lose someone close . His mother had at least lived a full life . An eight - year - old girl on the other hand , that was a hard thing to accept . Traffic was at a standstill . It had been thirty minutes since James Brighton and his car had moved forward an inch . In the Georgia heat and humidity , thirty minutes was forever , especially if you do not have air - conditioning . Sitting high above the Savannah River on the Talmadge Bridge , James wiped sweat from his face and fanned himself with an old catalog that never made it inside from the mailbox . His small , four - doored compact was full of his belongings . His trunk was stuffed with suitcases filled with his clothes ; his TV and other electronics filled the backseat along with anything else he grabbed in his rush to leave the house . He should have . His brother called him before everything even happened . Tried to warn him to get the hell out of the city , but just like always , he ignored his older brother 's sound advice . He had laughed it off at the time . The dead walking and eating the flesh of the living ? Strange government orders ? Please , James had said , that was movie stuff . The dead were walking , and they were in fact eating the flesh of the living . James had seen it himself . There was a septuagenarian woman living in the apartment next to him . She could not even hear her own TV and blared the volume throughout the night , but she always complained to the super anytime James had a few friends over . She was the first one that James saw turn . How sad , James had thought at the time . Alzheimer 's must be kicking in . Maybe even Dementia . But it was not Alzheimer 's . Or Dementia . It was something else . Something that made the old woman attack James with an unnatural strength and try to tear the skin from his bones . He grimaced . He could not forget the sickening crack of skull and the slosh of brain matter from when he was forced to bash her head against his doorknob . He closed his eyes and placed his head in his hands , his forehead slick with perspiration . He should have listened to his big brother . Okay , maybe not perfect , but definitely their father 's idea of perfect . John had been the Boy Scout , the war hero , the family man . Basically , everything that James was not . While John was a respectable fighter pilot for the Marines , James worked at Home Depot . Nothing wrong with working at Home Depot , but when stacked against his brother 's list of accomplishments , James always fell short . What made it unbearable was that John never gloated in it . He had been the perfect big brother . John never picked on James growing up , always looked out for his younger brother , and even lent him money when James needed it . James was on the uphill climb of the bridge , and from where he was sitting , he couldn 't see what the holdup was . This particular stretch of road between Georgia and South Carolina was notorious for horrible back - ups . With the sudden exodus from Savannah , it was much worse . Looking out to his right , over the Savannah Riverfront , he saw two small dots appear just above the horizon . They increased in size as they drew closer ; their shapes began to grow more familiar to James . Soon enough , the sound that followed them arrived , a roar of engines and wind . The thought of the military bombing the city was ridiculous . Sure , when he had passed through the city , he saw plenty of the monsters attacking people , but there were still people fighting back and numerous others still alive . The city was not completely overrun yet . It would be complete overkill to level Savannah . The pair of jets flew over the bridge . They were low enough to where you could see the markings on the side . It could have been his imagination , but James swore he saw his brother 's call sign on one of the jets . They passed over and then shot up into the sky . James heard screaming come from the Savannah bound lanes . He looked over to see , about fifty feet away , a monster attacking its family inside a car . It was held back by its seat belt , but was able to grab a hold of the person next to them . Blood pulsed onto the window , covering the carnage behind it . The people in the cars nearby began to panic . Multiple drivers began to try and push themselves away from the blood - soaked vehicle . This only caused the cars to become more gridlocked . Finally , a large black man , the size of a football player , got out of his truck . In his hand was a rather large hammer . He went over to the monster 's vehicle , opened the door , and began swinging the hammer into the creature 's head . After several swings , the thing 's body went still . The man looked at the remaining family , nodded , and then returned to his vehicle . Like James had told his brother over the phone , this was all movie stuff . Fictional . Make - believe . However , reality made a hard argument that the events starting yesterday were very , very real . As if to punctuate his thoughts on reality , he saw movement out of the corner of his eye . In front of him , the bridge erupted into flame and debris . The suspension cables groaned and snapped as the bridge twisted from the explosion . James shielded his eyes from the heat blast . He could barely see through the thick black smoke and fire , but he heard screaming . It took him a moment to realize it was his own . The car in front of him slammed into him in reverse , pushing him back into another car . He tried stomping down on the brakes , but the car kept pushing . When the cars behind them would move no more , the driver got out and began running away from the blast . Others did the same . James got out of his car and ran . Others bumped into him as they all ran for safety . There was a loud crack as one of the suspension cables broke loose and landed on a row of cars , crushing them and their inhabitants . James picked up speed . He ran several feet until a large weight crashed into him . It sent him flying into a minivan , and he hit the ground with a thud . The weight was quickly on top of him . There was a sharp pain in his stomach as he opened his eyes . The weight was humanoid , but it wasn 't human . It couldn 't be . Its eyes were as black as tar , bloodshot . Its open mouth revealed rows of broken , jagged teeth . Rich , red blood hemorrhaged from the cracks of its eyes , nostrils , and the corners of its lips . It wasn 't wearing a shirt , but James could not distinguish its gender . Its chest looked to be torn off ; the beginnings of rib cage poking through . He coughed , blood spurting from his mouth . He felt his body go into shock . He did not feel the pain , only the wiggling of fingers inside him . James watched as the monster pulled out several feet of intestine and shoved them into its mouth . It chewed , bile and fluids dripping down its chin . It could have been his imagination again , or maybe the loss of blood , but James could have sworn it grinned as it ate . |
It got very quiet in the class room . Some students turned around to look at me , though I didn 't notice . I was busy looking out the window lost in thought . I woke up out of my reverie and looked at him without saying anything . His eyes shot pure contempt at me . " Why do I even bother with you ? You 'll never amount to anything . I hope you like flipping burgers , cause you 'll be doing it for a long time . " I scowled at his remark about my future , but realized that he might be right . I really was headed straight towards a menial job . It wasn 't because I wasn 't smart enough , I was just lazy and a dreamer . I paid attention to the lesson again now , but it ended soon . Just as I wanted to get out of the class room , Mr . Hanes called me back . " Danny , wait ! Come here for a minute please . " " Danny , I know you 're smart enough . Why don 't you use it ? If you put your mind to it , you can do anything . " Quickly I got out and walked through the deserted halls to the exit . As I neared the exit I noticed a group of boys doing something . I got closer and saw that they were torturing a small rodent hybrid boy . He was being punched , thrown around and even kicked . With a few speedy paces I was in the middle of the group shielding the hybrid boy with my body . I snarled , " Stop it or try doing that to me . " The mob of kids stepped back in surprise and fear . Then a big black guy from the football team , I think his name is Ephraim , came running . Looking right at me , he growled , " Stop fucking with my little Bro . " He turned to one of boys , " You okay Lenny ? " Ephraim turned back towards me , " You rotten . . . " as he stopped speaking , his fist was already swinging towards my head . It impacted solidly with left near the eye and the impact slammed me against the wall . I saw stars before my eyes for a while and heard laughter and other noises . When my sight had cleared again , everyone , including the hybrid boy were gone . I looked around and in the bushes saw the hybrid rodent boy . " Thank you for the intervention , but I think it will make things worse . " Then he quickly disappeared from sight . My dad saw my black eye when arrived home . I told him what had transpired and he started , " In my day I would have made them sorry . Why are you such a sissy ? " I knew better than try to tell him that I hadn 't been given a chance . I was very much afraid that he would try to spank his views into me . He did take care of me well enough , but he could get abusive at times . I always wondered what it would be like to have a Mom . I asked my Dad a few times where Mom was and one time he said that she had died in childbirth . I had checked hospital records one time , but couldn 't find anything . The next time I asked , Dad said that she had enough of us and left us for parts unknown . Well , what ever had happened to her , it was just Dad and me . That meant that I was taking the heat if he was pissed or if something happened to me that made me look bad . The next day at school was worse , as everyone could see my black eye and rumors started to go around that some freshmen had beat me up . I heard snickers everywhere I went and I had nobody to talk to . This was also partly because I was relatively new here . We had moved to this town about 7 months ago and I still hadn 't made any friends . The MORFS survivors had their own little group , while the pures had their group . As I hadn 't had MORFS , and didn 't support the Pures line of reasoning , I wasn 't welcome in either one and the other groups didn 't invite me either . Since I wasn 't actively looking for friends , I guess I was to blame for the situation as well . The day dragged on and on , relentlessly boring and tedious . Then just before the last lesson I was walking through the hall when a group of freshmen blocked my way . I recognized them from yesterday , they were the ones that assaulted that hybrid kid . The black kid haughtily said , " You can 't go this way . It 's blocked for you and your kind . " I just wanted to push my way through , but he continued , " Or do you want to get beaten up by us freshmen again . " I stopped in my tracks and looked at him , I was getting quite angry already . Then I saw Ephraim standing just of the side smiling smugly at me . Something inside me snapped . I dropped my books and went for him . I got him good with the first punch square on his jaw . He went down , and I was all over him immediately . Before I could get in more punches the freshmen kids assaulted me , led by Ephraim 's little brother . I tried to defend myself as best I could against both Ephraim and the kids , but got hammered a lot . Then people shouted and we all got pulled apart . The teachers and some seniors led us all away from each other . It wasn 't long before we were all sitting in the waiting room of the Principal 's office . Then I got called in . " Daniel Montro , come in please . " Hesitantly I shuffled myself into the office . At Principle Shodding 's invite I sat down on a hard wooden chair . She started , " Well Mr . Montro , what do you have to say for yourself ? As I have come to understand it , you started the fight with Ephraim Banks . " I was about to tell her all about what happened , but decided not to . It wouldn 't make any difference anyway . So I just kept sitting and looked down to the floor . She spoke again , " Danny ? Why don 't you tell me what really happened ? " This time I got mad enough to talk , " What 's the point ? It 'll still be all their words against only mine . It doesn 't matter that yesterday Banks sucker punched me . And that his little brother is usually looking for a fight , at which point he calls in his big brother . You know what ? I have had enough already . Fuck them and fuck you . " With that I shut up and just realized what I had said . Principle Shodding scowled at me now and I saw that she had to compose herself for a moment . In a soft low voice she growled , " Never say something like that here ever again , or you will be very sorry young man . Now since you are such an ill - mannered boy I 'll suspend you for two days . Any last words to say before I throw your sorry ass out ? " Dejected I left her office and walked straight out of school , the last lesson was already over anyway . I walked straight home and went to my room . Later I heard my dad come in , so I was about to go down for dinner when I heard the phone ring . I couldn 't quite overhear what was being said , but just to be safe I waited in my room . A little while later I heard my Dad come up to my room and he kicked the door open . " What the hell did you do today , boy ? I never told you to go out fighting , and if you do fight , make sure that the blame is on the other guy . " He quickly caught me in his big hands and started to hit me on my behind , my shoulders and everywhere else that wouldn 't leave any obvious marks . About 15 minutes later I was left as a pile of misery in my room and was told to stay there . I wasn 't welcome to have any dinner as well . I didn 't feel like eating in any case , and certainly not in the presence of my father . I played a bit with my old computer and when I got really hungry , I opened a small bag of potato chips that I had hidden for emergencies like this . The next morning I slept in late , did some homework as I didn 't have anything else to do and played some old games on my computer . But somewhere between 2 and 3 o ' clock I started to feel sick . I held it in for about a quarter of an hour , but then I had to run to the toilet to throw up . Feverish , I went to bed and when dad came home and called me down for dinner I didn 't even have the power to react . He came stamping up to my room and glowered at me lying on my bed . His face changed when he saw that I was really sick . I think he got worried that I might be sick from his beating , but he called a doctor in any case . The doctor was apprehensive about all my bruises , but Dad managed to ease the suspicion saying that I had been in a fight at school . Anyway , the doctor 's diagnosis was quite clear and short . I had contracted MORFS . Hearing the diagnosis , Dad scowled as if all he needed to do was look after his sick kid . Yet he was pleasant enough to the doctor when he prescribed the usual sleeping pills and IV kit . The doctor started the IV with a starter canister before he left . Dad got the prescriptions filled the same day even . I took the sleeping pill and almost immediately began to feel drowsy . The next morning I barely heard dad grumble , " I 'm going to work , someone has to earn the money around here . " The next couple of days were a blur . I vaguely remember getting up to take care of my urgent needs and changing the canisters , but eventually I began to hear whispers . You know the type ; loud enough to be annoying , but too soft to be understood . The whispers of people talking were getting louder , but I couldn 't hear it clearly enough . There were a lot of people as well and even more started speaking to me . Soon I was getting very annoyed at all the people speaking to me , and yelled as loud as I could , " Stop it already . Be quiet . " The noise died down for a moment , but others kept talking as if they didn 't hear it . And soon everyone else was talking as well . I thought I was going mad with all those people talking , till I thought by myself , ' What if I try to single out just one voice . Maybe I can hear it clearly enough . ' I listened to the loudest and clearest voice around . Ah there it was , a man going on about his business . How successful he was and such . I homed in on him and soon heard only him , and quite clearly . I quickly grew bored though with his talking . Though some parts about doing business was quite interesting , not only did I feel bored listening to him , but he also kind of moved out of range , and it became difficult to hear him . So I let him slip away and the cacophony of voices was once more in my head . That 's when I woke up from my induced sleep . I thought that I would be fine once I woke up , but the voices kept talking to me in my head . ' What the hell is going on ? Do I have supersensitive hearing now or something ? ' I quickly went to the bathroom and washed my self a bit . As I looked into the mirror , my face looked a bit different , and my hair , which previously had been quite dark had lightened to a dirty blond . For some time I slept without dreaming , dead to the world , but then some of the whispers got into my head again . I ignored them for a while and just rested . I don 't know how long I had rested normally , as the voices kept on coming and got louder all the time . I concentrated on not hearing them trying to focus on my just own thoughts . For a time that worked and I didn 't hear the voices so much anymore . They were still there though , like the murmur of water from a creek or waterfall in the backdrop of your hearing . I looked up scared out of my wits at the lights of an oncoming car . It was headed straight for me . I screamed and tried to get out of the way , but my little body didn 't move . I closed my eyes as the car slammed into me and I felt and heard my bones crunch before it all became black . The blackness didn 't seem to last long though , and then I was happily driving along in my car , when a big truck started coming at me . I yelled again and swerved out of the way to . . . whistling while hanging up the clothes on a washing line . I bent down to get another shirt out of the basket and saw that I was wearing a dress and had a lot of cleavage from my big breasts . I was about to yell again , when I was kicking a football through the poles and being cheered with my teammates for making the field goal . Then I was falling down into the arms of my fellow cheerleaders and I wondered why I had such great looking legs sticking out from my skirt . I didn 't have time to wonder long though , because I was eating a hotdog while looking at the game from the bleachers . My mind kept switching scene 's faster and faster , as if I had a really good remote control and changed channels rapidly . I was a police officer shooting some kid , I was the kid getting shot . Then a little girl seeing the kid get shot . An airline pilot seeing dials going haywire , a sewer maintenance man smelling the foul odor in the sewers . It kept changing so fast and it was so real lifelike that I couldn 't take it anymore . Once I skipped past someone seeing myself lying on the bed . ' Is that me lying on the bed ? Why do I look so bad , and is my hair even lighter than before . Wait a minute if I 'm looking at myself , does that mean I 'm dead ? ' One time I had quite a strong sight of examining myself and saying , " You need to have an expert get a look at him . This isn 't normal . Did you watch him as I asked ? " I lost that sight again and saw loads of others , but somehow I did manage to get a faint , " I 've been busy and didn 't watch him 24 / 7 . But he 'll still be okay , right ? " I thought it was my father asking that , but I couldn 't be sure , I was really out of it , all seeing all those images shooting past . I just knew I was going crazy . A strong voice tried to bring some sense in my thoughts and images . For a moment things cleared up , and I could hear the voice clearly . I even saw myself on the bed with my eyes wide open and my hair very blond now . The voice said , " Danny , can you hear me ? I 'm talking telepathically to you . Can you say something ? " I tried my best to respond , but the person couldn 't hear me . I became frantic , trying harder and harder , but other images began to blur the person 's image and other voices obscured the voice . Soon everything blurred together again . Mason Boudrie stood up from kneeling next to the bed of the young boy . He addressed the boy father , " Mister Montro , I 'm sorry , but I can 't get through to him now . Maybe it 's because he 's still not finished with his MORFS , or it may be something else . I almost could reach inside his head with my telepathic powers but I wasn 't strong enough to break through his barriers . He has to come out of it by himself , but he could use some help doing it . What Danny really needs is someone talking to him and thinking of him all the time . I do realize that it is not feasible for you to do so . I can recommend having him institutionalized . But I doubt that it is the best course of action . It would be better if you hired someone to take care of him 24 / 7 . " Mason felt bad for recommending it to the boy 's father . He had a bad feeling about this . None the less he gave a flyer to the father and got out of the house . He was getting a bad headache from trying to read that kid . Either that boy was going to be a high level telepath , or he would end up as a drooling idiot . I kept seeing all kinds of images all the time , but sometimes there was a moment of clarity and I had only a few images running before me . During those moments I tried to isolate just one and once , I succeeded . I was sneaking out of the house , climbing out of my bedroom window . For a moment I was scared that I would rip my skirt on the windowsill , but then I was out on the porch roof and quietly went over to the ladder - like trellis my dad had put up for the ivy . I climbed down and stepped onto the floor just as the lights went on . Another image overlapped the clear image and for a moment I saw quite a beautiful girl standing in her short skirt and tank top scowling at me . Then other images began to overlap that too , and I fell into chaos again . I felt myself being lifted and put on some kind of hard bed . Then in a moment of clarity I heard someone familiar , ' My dad ? ' say , " Take this worthless piece of shit with you and lock him up for good . I don 't ever want to see his sorry ass ever again . " I was angry as I had never been before . ' I 'm his son , and he 's throwing me away like an animal ? No , worse than an animal , like I 'm some piece of garbage . ' I tried to say something or do something but I couldn 't do anything . I did hear just as I got moved somewhere , " Shit , he 's even giving me a headache , when he 's going . " I was faintly aware that I was being driven somewhere judging from being tossed with the gurney that I was strapped on . All new kinds of images appeared before me in my mind and I reveled in seeing new things , however brief those images were . At one time I heard a very powerful voice say to me , " Who are you ? I can sense your power as a telepath . " I tried to speak and to say , " I 'm Danny , can you help me ? " But no sound passed my lips . The voice boomed , " Yes I can hear you Danny , where are you ? I want to help you to become free from being locked up in your mind . " I tried to tell him that I wasn 't sure , except that I was in some kind of van or ambulance . But the voice grew dimmer and soon I couldn 't hear it anymore . I felt so awful that I wanted to cry . I think I managed to get one tear out of one of my eyes , but nothing else happened . I arrived at a place that I immediately didn 't like . There was an air of fatality and mental death hanging around it . I did see a lot of images and heard a lot of voices . But they were muted and garbled . I was unstrapped at a some point and heard someone say , " Well , well . What do we have here ? Another drooling moron ready for some games ? " I didn 't like the man who said it , but couldn 't do anything about it . All I could do was lie on some soft padded floor or crawl aimlessly on all fours . I still couldn 't see a thing with my eyes and was blind and deaf to the outside world . Eating and drinking was something I did automatically , like on autopilot . Someone fed me a sort of baby food . At the other end I was on automatic as well , I wore a big diaper though I was only dimly aware of it . I don 't know how long I was in that vegetative state , but it seemed like decades to me . I tried to sort out my mind and to block all the other voices out . But it was so hard . Several times I just wanted to quit and give up . But I couldn 't commit suicide even if I wanted . I even tried to let my mind go and just be a mindless vegetable , but even that didn 't work . It also didn 't help that the orderlies , you couldn 't really call them nurses anyway , had some perverted sense of fun . They would pick me and another poor lost soul and let us run around in what might be best described as a maze . I got prodded along sometimes and bumped into walls several times . Another thing they thought was fun , was washing me . They 'd strip me and put me in some tiled cell and turn the pressurized fire hose on me . I felt miserable undergoing all the humiliations without being able to utter a word about it . Every once in a while a doctor would visit and examine me . I could read his mind slightly as he was doing it , but I couldn 't talk to him either with sound or in his mind . There was also a woman who cleaned the room I was locked up in . She was nice , but didn 't speak . I thought she was just a simple soul , and could only do simple jobs like these . In my mind I always smiled at her when she came near me . Maybe she picked it up though , because she always stroked my head when she passed by . Eventually something in my mind changed . There was a slight tingle and I realized something was happening outside my room . Then I heard the orderlies yell and scream , both in sound and mind . Some time later a new doctor was near me and I could understand from her thoughts that I had been , and still was the cause of objects moving by themselves . Apparently I was telekinetically gifted . But they believed me to be a threat , so they installed something , a machine of some kind to suppress my power . I immediately felt its effect . Something heavy seemed to be leaning on me in my mind . It was so depressing and bothersome that I was forced to defend myself . I pushed back at the field or whatever the contraption was . I kept it up most of the time , though it was hard . I almost gave up once , but the pressure was relentless . If I didn 't push back it gave me a headache . But I got better at doing it though . I could manage it more easily in time , and got back to sorting out my thoughts as I hadn 't been able to when battling the pressure field . Slowly I got my thoughts back in order and I even managed to read the thoughts of everyone else in the building . At first , doing that , scared me a little , but I persisted and found some of my fellow patients had really lovely thoughts . Though it didn 't come out due to mental illnesses or being drugged . I 'm sure that if I hadn 't been so docile , I would have been drugged constantly . But I kept to myself , appearing to the outside world as still catatonic . I almost betrayed myself when I was used for one of their sick maze games again . I knew from the thoughts of the orderlies that my handler Steve had high hopes of me winning . My opponent really was a vegetable . I couldn 't sense any discernable thought left in him . But I wouldn 't give Steve the satisfaction of winning the bet , so I let my opponent win in the maze , much to the Steve 's chagrin . The other orderly , a real bully by the name of Herb , didn 't waste any time and wanted his money immediately . Later Steve started talking to me , " So you think you were funny ? Well you weren 't , freak . I 'll show you what happens to people that think they are funny . " He started to beat and kick me , though he tried to make sure the beating wouldn 't have any lasting effects that would 've been hard to explain to a doctor . Still , it hurt and I vowed to get even with him , even if it was the last thing I would ever do . My power of Telepathy and Telekinesis grew every day , though it wasn 't much help as long as I was in the room . The machine that kept the pressure on me really dampened my power and range . I couldn 't do very much . I didn 't try to talk to the orderlies , as I read from their minds that if I did , they would drug me down to the vegetative state . They got paid very well in the facility , and didn 't want it to come out that they used the patients for their own fun and pleasure . Besides , I still wasn 't able to control most of my muscles . I could see now , but not focus on anything . So I was trapped . I couldn 't say that I wanted to leave . I couldn 't bust out of there because of the machine , and nobody cared if I lived in here in these pitiful circumstances . What can I say , I was pretty much fucked . I really hated my father now . He had been so callous in throwing me out . Maybe that was why Mom left him . ' Maybe he had her killed ? ' I got even angrier , thinking that . As I was contemplating my predicament and trying to find a way out of this place , the cleaning lady visited again . She hadn 't been in for some time . As soon as she entered my room , I read from her mind that she had been sick . Her mind was not that easy to read though . I had to push to get in , and it wasn 't easy with the machine clamping down my power all the time . As I managed to get into her thoughts , I got a big shock . She wasn 't a simple soul as I 'd initially thought . In fact , she was solving math and quantum mechanics problems in her mind . She just had a speech impairment and was dyslectic . That was why she had such a menial job . As I thought about it , I found that I might be able to rectify her condition . I 'm not really a biology expert , but I somehow I could identify the parts of the mind that weren 't functioning properly . She stroked my head as she did usually when she had finished cleaning the room and this time I looked straight at her . I think she noticed something different . She stared back at me , looking straight into my eyes as if looking for recognition that I was really looking at her . I had been able to get a bit more control back over my body , but still , not that much . Then she gave me a sad smile and left my room . I think she noticed that I wasn 't a vegetable anymore . A short time later I heard someone cry out in distress in my mind . It recognized the telepathic voice . It was my cleaning woman . She was being beaten by the orderlies . I tried very hard to read her or any other mind , but the machine clamped me down again . I worried what might have happened to her . Then I remembered an old movie I had once seen . I think it was called , Kill Will or something like that . I could have smacked my head , if I were able to anyway . In that movie a woman woke up from a coma and didn 't have the use of her muscles . By focusing her will on first her toe , then more and more muscles , she managed to get all her muscles back under control . Why couldn 't I do that ? Maybe I could . Of course it would take a lot of time , but I wasn 't going anywhere . Time enough for me to start trying then . As I was busy trying to get my right index finger to do what I wanted it to do , Herb came into my room . He looked suspiciously at me , and shone a sharp light from a small flashlight into my eyes . I still hadn 't gotten them under control , so they just moved involuntary . Feeling satisfied , Herb prepared to leave and I quickly went into his mind to read what that was all about . Herb had been especially nasty in the beating . I saw in his mind that he was a very cruel man . He liked to pull wings from insects , birds and even started dismembering any cats and dogs that had the misfortune to wander into his backyard . And he found it funny to do that while the animals were still alive , reveling in the pain and misery of those poor animals . But Herb wasn 't dumb , he suspected that the woman might have noticed something . That is why he checked up on me . They couldn 't afford to have any patient getting better . If I even let them know that I was getting back to my right mind and would recover from what that disease MORFS had done to me , I would be doped up to the max or maybe even be given an overdose . One time I 'd heard them say , " Dead men tell no tales . " For days I tried to get my finger to start working , while still battling the machine that clamped down my power . I was almost ready to give up trying , when my finger started moving like it should . From there , I slowly managed to get more fingers to work , then my feet , and about a month later I was fully mobile again . I even started to utter softly things with my mouth and I could hear things again with my ears , and see with my eyes very well . I was back to normal again . Well not exactly normal , I had these weird telepathic and telekinetic powers . It was about time for me to get out of here . I couldn 't very well ask the orderlies to release me . Maybe I could ask the doctor when he came to visit me . And still that damn machine was pressing in on my mind to suppress my power . Finally the doctor came . I 'd been getting worried that he wouldn 't come . I was already exercising in secret to bring my muscles back into some shape . The doctor entered and I focused on his mind . He was easy to read , and I got a lot of medical things from him that I filed away for future reference . But I got a big shock as he only wanted to test me if I was healthy enough for to stand up for an inspection . He wasn 't in the least concerned about whether I would get better . He just needed to fill out forms for state regulations . And he was being blackmailed by the orderlies . Apparently he had a thing for young women . Very young women if you know what I mean . There was one patient in this facility that fit his fancy , and Steve & Herb let him have his way with her . I wanted to tear this guy apart , but I restrained myself . Better not let him know that I had all my marbles back together . He would without a doubt report me to the orderlies at which point I would either be doped back to a vegetable or just get killed . I just put on the catatonic show for him and he didn 't notice a thing . Of course it helped that I nudged his mind a bit to get him not to notice it . Soon the doctor left and I went back to doing nothing . How in the world was I ever going to get out of here ? I wanted to be free again , feel fresh air and eat real normal food . I tried once more to push myself against the clamping effect of the machine . It strained to suppress my full power , while I pushed at it with all my might . I was almost there , but when I faltered , I came crashing down hard as the machine relentlessly pushed me into a very bad headache . I began wheezing for air , and tears started leaking from my eyes at my failed attempt . I didn 't know if I could ever find the power or the courage to try that again . |
Grace 's toe continues to heal and as Dr . Herald told us " it is a process " which I documented with pictures . I was initially discouraged that he only allowed us to apply betadyne to it to keep the scab dry . He wanted it to be as dry as possible to act as a natural dressing . I did however slather her foot and the base of her toe with coconut oil , a natural antibiotic , along with thieves oil to keep down infection . I also put it on her other foot and her lymph nodes . We are so thankful infection never did set in . Changing her dressing each day took a bit of time being that the gauze almost always stuck and I 'd have to lightly wet it and carefully peel it off . And Grace wasn 't the most cooperative . She didn 't want us touching her toe . Initially the doctor attached her old nail with one stitch to protect it and so it didn 't look all that bad to me . I had painted a little heart on her big toenails the night before the accident and you can still see it here . Grace is very particular about which shoes touch her feet and makes sure they are large enough for her toe . I found some Crocs on eBay that work great since her slippers didn 't work well outside . Once in awhile she doesn 't even want those on . Recently when we were in the basement at my parents house Grace saw the cardio glide where she had her accident . Suddenly she gasped , pointed and exclaimed , " owie ! " And so she does remember . She has also reverted to her terrible sleep habits and wakes screaming in the middle of the night . I bring her in bed with us and she calms down instantly . In the past week she has slept through the night twice so maybe we are gradually getting back to normal . I do enjoy my girl but I don 't know how people do the family bed thing . It is hard to sleep with a wiggly little one between us flinging her arms everywhere , pulling hair , and practically pushing us off the bed . Although , waking up to such a sweet face adoringly watching you does make up for it . After about a month her nail did fall off in her bandage and then she kept asking to put another bandage on right away . It is all dry and crusty . The black is the scab and the doctor had said it acted as a natural dressing and the new skin of her toe was forming underneath . A week later the black scab started to lift up when we were changing the dressing . She screamed so John was careful to press it back down . It fell off completely a few days later without a problem . You can 't see it well here but her toenail is growing back and it will be about 6 months for it to fully return and at that time it will be rough . Dr . Herald wanted to see her when the scab came off and he was very happy with how the skin looked . It was very pink and healthy and he doesn 't think there will be much evidence that it ever happened . And this time she even smiled at him . And here we are 6 weeks later . It looks pretty good , although still quite swollen . The rest of the brown crud " protein build - up " will fall off . Grace hasn 't been able to take a bath this whole time so her toenails are a bit dirty . But now that it no longer has to be dry she is able to take a bath again . In our 16 years of parenting we have never had a major injury requiring a trip to the ER . Oh , we 've had breathing problems that have landed children there numerous times but never anything involving blood . Considering we have 6 boys that always surprised us . That all changed this past weekend . ( See bottom of post for what actually happened ) We were at my parents house on a normal Sunday afternoon for dinner and hanging out . Grace had not taken a nap and it was getting late into the afternoon when I heard Thomas from the basement yelling " Oh No ! " followed by the same sentiment from John . John bounded up the stairs with Grace in his arms dripping blood from her foot calling for paper towels . Everything was happening fast , there was a lot of yelling , people were crying , and it was a bit crazy . John worriedly expressed that it looked like her toe was dangling and we needed to get to the hospital . I could not look . My dad drove our big van barreling down the road as John cuddled Grace tight and tried to comfort her . Thankfully the hospital is only a couple of minutes from their house . We got into the ER relatively quickly but then it was a waiting game . Nurses came in and looked at Grace 's toe . John and I knelt on the floor crouched over her as she lay on the gurney She cried each time a new person entered the room and moaned " owie " but gradually and very thankfully she fell asleep from exhaustion . The ER doctor came in with a loud voice and I of course asked that he whisper to try and keep her sleeping . He looked at her toe and confirmed what John had suspected , that the tip of her big toe was hanging on by very little and the nail was hanging as well . I glanced to the side and saw a bloody mess . < While Grace slept , the x - ray technician came in and decided rather than move a sleeping baby to bring the equipment in . John helped hold the foot in the correct direction while I softly sang " His Eye is on the Sparrow " and " Jesus Loves Me " in my girl 's ear . Such a comfort to me as well and Grace slept through it as she clung to me . And , praise the Lord her toe was not broken ! Dr . Herald the surgeon came in and calmly but matter - of - factually said that he would need to do surgery and she would need to go under general anesthesia . He explained that a short sedative would not be enough time for him to fix it as needed . John looked at me with a fear in his eyes but there were no other options and of course we consented . Then more wait . We so wanted to get the show on the road and be at the end of the ordeal for her . Grace slept on and off until surgery when John carried her up to the 2nd floor surgical unit . We met with the anesthesiologist who explained that they first would sedate her to give her an IV then take her to surgery and put her under general anesthesia . He gave her a shot of Ketamine and that was very hard to watch as it put Grace into a state of not being aware of anything . She would look at us but not really see us . She moved her head from side to side as if looking but yet not . Kind of a freaky . And then she began to shake , which is normal . John and I continued to stay at her side singing and stroking her maybe more to calm our nerves as the doctor observed . The IV went in and they were ready to take Grace . The hardest part of that which I 'm sure many parents who have sent their children for surgery was that she was still awake when they wheeled her away . I had so hoped that the sedative would make her fall asleep first . John and I went to the waiting room where my Dad was waiting with teary - eyed hugs for us and Noah was waiting there too . The surgery took about 20 minutes and Dr . Herald came out and explained everything to us . We won 't know for a few weeks if the tip of the toe will heal completely and it depends on how much blood is able to get to it . When he fixed it a portion wasn 't as pink as he would have liked but he said that children 's bodies heal so well . He said he is able to reattach amputated fingers on a child where with an adult he wouldn 't . He also repaired the nail bed and temporarily attached her old nail to make it less painful . That will fall off and her new nail will grow in . I was so nervous as I waited to see Grace again . My stomach was in knots knowing that she was waking up in an unfamiliar place with people she did not know . Maybe 30 minutes later the nurse wheeled her " prison " crib out to us and kept telling Grace , " there is your Mommy " . We walked with her up to a room as insurance doesn 't allow them to discharge patients directly from recovery . They have to go to an actual hospital room first . And so we got settled in a room for a short time . Grace was happy to be in our arms again but to be expected she was not herself . True with probably any child , she did not like the oxygen monitor hooked to her toe or the blood pressure cuff on her arm or the iv in her hand and those were the things that were bothering her . She did not talk or smile - - both of which are total opposites for her personality . She didn 't want to drink anything and seemed that she might be a bit nauseous judging by her gagging a few times . She received two toys from the nurse to distract her as they began to remove the contraptions she was connected to and then we were free to go . As soon as we neared the door to exit , Grace growled her first words , -- " Noah ! " She was trying to be silly and attempted a smile too . Once home Grace slept through the night without a problem . I am sure she was exhausted and the doctor said he gave her a long - lasting numbing in her toe to help . John and I both checked on her in the night and John left for the airport in the early morning . He was so disappointed not to see his precious happy girl awake before he headed to Mexico for the week . But I texted him pictures of her the next morning with her silly grin . The day started off with Grace not wanting to walk anywhere . She didn 't want to move her foot and her siblings were happy to oblige by carrying her anywhere she wanted to go simply by pointing her finger in the direction she wanted to go . Her big brother Thomas was very concerned about her and was never too far from her that day . But by evening she was raring to go and had enough with her lack of independence and attempted walking using the side of her foot . That worked for her and by the second day she was back to running and climbing . Grace visited the surgeon on day 3 and she was not a happy girl at all . Lots of crying ensued as they removed the bandages while I held her close and her Grandma attempted to read to her . She kept looking back at her foot . So , what actually happened ? Grace was sitting on the cardio glide with Thomas when she told him she wanted to get down . However , she didn 't give him time to stop and proceeded to step down . Her foot was in the wrong spot and in looking at the area later John said it worked in a scissors motion and of course she always has her shoes off . Thomas said he won 't ever forget the sound and initially he did struggle with what happened but we loved on him well and once he saw his little sister that really helped him . We are just so thankful that God was watching over every detail . It was only the tip and not the complete toe and the toe did not break . Grace was amazing through it all . Of course she screamed at times and it wasn 't easy but of all of our children she is one of the more resilient . We imagined if it happened to certain other children it would have been so much more traumatic . As always time continues to march on and Friday Grace turned 18 months old . I was in the dressing room at Kohls recently and heard a mama whispering soothing sounds to her crying baby . What a sweet sound to my ears and how I miss that infant cry in some ways . Thankfully , Grace is very much still a baby to me . First of all , she looks like one with the small amount of hair on her head . Second , she still wakes at least once a night with her cries . And she is still eagerly nursing . I am enjoying every chance I get to cuddle my precious girl . She is petite but not as much as her sister was as evidenced by the fact that she is currently wearing the clothes Missy Blue wore at the age of 2 and much of it is too small . She has been in size 18 months for the past few months . She is at the height of hitting her head on tables and weighs just 21 pounds , which she has been at for awhile now . Gracie has hair mainly on the back of her head and I love how it curls up , especially in the humid air down in Alabama . George had curls when he was little . Maybe my little girl will too ? This girl and her goofy grin . I keep trying but she will not sit still long enough to pose for me anymore . This is about all I could get . Grace likes to eat " chee " ( cheese ) and " nana " ( bananas ) . I haven 't found anything else to be a real favorite except desserts . I am afraid she is going to have a sweet tooth like a few of us do . If she doesn 't want something she will shake her head no , scrunch up her nose , and say " uh uh " . She is drinking water from a sippy cup and can drink from a big cup as well otherwise she is still nursing . New words are forming more with each week . Grace attempts to say her siblings names and can say " Noah " and " Kay - ee " . And she does know the difference between Pete and Re - Pete . She says a breathy " woof " for dog and " ki - ee " for cat . Her latest is hiding then coming out to say with a song " Pete - A - Bee " ( Peek - a - boo ) . That is my favorite ! When putting on her socks I 'll say " one " and she follows with " two " . She can also say " she - oo " ( shoe ) . She likes to say things are " pretty " and when she is hurt she expresses that with " ouwie " and of course she says the basic - - Hi and Bye . Grace is getting to the point where the kids will ask her to say a word and she will try to repeat . At this age Zippy could repeat any word clearly , although he was our unique child in this regard . Grace is into absolutely EVERYTHING ! We thought she was different than her siblings but then I looked back at some posts I did about her brothers and I realize that maybe each child was like this and those are the memories we tend to forget . She loves to climb and especially onto tables which we will not allow . However , once in awhile she climbs on the coffee table and dances and is so charming that we can 't help but let her . Haha ! Grace loves to play in the toilet any chance she finds it open . And this past month she realized she can lift the lid herself so we now have to keep the door closed . Otherwise we will find her splashing in the water of the toilet bowl . I am often heard calling out " Where is Grace ? " and when no one knows , we run to the bathroom . She has been found brushing her teeth with a toothbrush she had swished in the toilet water . Of course it was right after her sister had thrown up ( and flushed ) - - oh my ! At least everyone remembers to flush . Grace is a happy girl and loves to smile at everyone she meets . She 'll often look at a person until she is noticed and then grin . Of course she has her moments of grumpiness , especially in the evenings , but for the most part she is happiness . Grace is a Daddy 's girl . John has said that she is the one who has cuddled with him the most . I don 't know but she certainly is giddy with excitement when she hears the garage door open around 5 : 30 p . m . " DA - ee ? " and runs to the door waiting for him . She squeals and gives such a big hug patting him on the back . What Daddy doesn 't melt at that ? Now that it is beginning to get warm Grace wants to be outside any chance she can get . She stands at the window or door calling " going , going " . She seems to be a little explorer noticing her surroundings . She has taken to various animals and this morning I observed her delight in watching ants only to squash them with her foot . Grace seems to love turtles . At a nature center in Gulf Shores she followed one around trying to pat it 's shell . In St . Louis she did the same and then picked it up . We took it away when she decided to throw it to the ground . Grace is a joy and a delight . It is difficult for me at times to see each milestone pass and even more this time knowing that she is our last baby . And so , even tho Grace still wakes in the middle of the night , I am content in that because I know that the day she stops crying out for me will mean I never again will wake in the night to comfort my baby . I could say much more on that . Maybe another day . The Lord has blessed us beyond measure and we are truly grateful ! Hello Friends ! Its been a long time since I updated . That seems to be a common phrase for me in the past months . Obviously blogging has taken a backseat to life and sometimes that is the way it needs to be . In this new year I hope to post more often to capture the tidbits of our days that I never want to forget . My blog was taken over by Baby Grace this past year but we do have other children that I don 't want to leave out . Maybe I make blogging more than it has to be . I always want to have that perfect picture to match what I am writing . Maybe I 'll go back to the days of writing what is on my mind instead of waiting . If you want to read more of our days go to the archives and start at the beginning . I did and I can 't believe how much has changed since those days when we had five little children . I am so glad I wrote those stories down ! As you can see I finally created a new header to include our entire family . The previous one still had Zippy at the age Grace currently is . I am gradually working on my sidebar pictures as well seeing as the ages are all wrong and some of my boys have matured so much they don 't look like the little boys I have pictured . I also need to add Miss Grace . Now that Grace turned one year old I went back and updated her birth story . I had shared a brief description of what happened last November but I am so glad I wrote it all down because there are many details I completely forgot . And I never want to forget as remembering causes me to rejoice in the Lord again and be grateful for His amazing goodness to us . The story is long and I don 't share pictures this time but I did include a video of Grace near the end . I was due December 3 , 2013 with a baby girl and was scheduled for my 6th c - section two days before Thanksgiving on November 26th . Initially I wasn 't thrilled to be in the hospital over Thanksgiving but realized that it didn 't matter and I knew my family would be well - cared for . My pregnancy was good even though I was of " advanced maternal age " . I had an ultrasound in Green Bay that summer to make sure that my placenta wasn 't adhering to scar tissue as that could cause a problem but the specialist said everything looked great . Nothing was out of the ordinary . I was big as always and measured 1 week ahead each time . I had Braxton Hicks early on which is normal for me also . By week 30 I wondered how I would make it another 9 weeks I felt so heavy and weighed down . October 31st I spent getting ready for Katie and Seth 's birthday party the next day . I baked a cake , shopped for needed items with plans to run to the store the next morning to get a cake topper . I was thankful that John was home as the night before he had been in Detroit . That night Simon was sounding like he had a cold and about 1 a . m . or so on November 1st we woke up to that dreaded croup cough . John brought Simon to bed with us as it wasn 't too bad at that point and then we could monitor him . I turned over to give him a hug and at that moment had a Braxton Hicks contraction followed by an intense shooting pain . I turned over to see if it would subside but it only grew worse . I wondered if it could be labor , although last time I labored I had moments of relief and this pain was intensifying . But what else could the pain be ? I have also had kidney stones during pregnancy and knew it wasn 't that either . I got out of bed and walked to the kitchen knowing that moving could help relieve pain . My doctors have always emphasized if I am ever in labor to call and get to the hospital right away . I called the triage nurse who calmly told me to come to the hospital . By this time , only maybe 15 minutes had passed but I knew something was very wrong . I could no longer walk and sat down and called out for John to help me . He woke Noah and explained what was happening and Noah and John managed to get me down the stairs and into the van . Noah recalled knowing I was in a lot of pain and that it had something to do with the baby but he didn 't know anything else . He checked on everyone and Katie woke to find out what was happening . Then he didn 't want to be alone at 2 a . m . so he woke up Luke and Jonah and eventually the others woke up too . They ended up watching movies until morning when Grandpa came to pick them up . That was a very long 25 minutes ( probably less ) to get to the hospital . John was on a mission and was driving fast that I asked him to please slow down as it hurt so much more on those corners . I was in such pain and as I moaned I kept asking Jesus to help me and to keep our baby safe . At the hospital my Dad met us to pick up Simon who we didn 't want to leave with Noah seeing as he had been croupy . As he opened my door , I saw the look of concern on his face and he later stated that he will never forget the look of pain I had on my face . I slid out and John maneuvered me into a wheel chair and rushed me to labor and delivery . They put the fetal monitors on me somehow but all I really know is that I was in pain unlike anything I had ever experienced and never want to again and kept asking them to " please help me " . I can 't recall all that happened other than getting me ready to have my baby . I remember them yelling , " Get everyone here now ! " and meeting the on - call doctor , Dr . Alice Haupt . What providence that she was on - call . She made it seem as if all was well and there was nothing to worry about always reassuring me . And indeed I had no idea what was happening . I remember waving to John saying I 'd see him soon and he had a look of fear on his face . Now , he doesn 't really like any c - section and they do worry him but this was an entirely different situation . He said it was the unknown that worried him . They brought me to the cold surgical unit and I recalled my past c - sections and knew this was nothing like those . I was shaking uncontrollably and was still in tremendous pain . Dr . Alice was trying to calm me and I recall her telling me I needed to focus for the baby . Apparently I did because someone announced that baby 's heart tones were now stable . There was a whirlwind of activity around me . At one point someone yelled , " Is someone writing down everything we are doing ? " People kept entering to assist . I was still shaking like crazy and my pain so great I wanted it over with . Dr . Alice held me to try and keep me calm so the anesthesiologist Dr . Parks could administer the epidural . As soon as the epidural took effect I could relax somewhat as I no longer felt pain . Now I felt as if I could pass out and tried focusing on the ceiling and kept singing to myself . I typically have music playing in the background but there wasn 't time for that . My nurse Mary Kay was wonderful and stayed with me helping me focus by asking me to look into her eyes . She also held up one of my arms as they didn 't have time to get the board underneath for it to rest on . They decided not to have John come in and I was fine with that not wanting him to worry further . They threw up the curtain , and next thing I knew baby girl was out . I had a bit of fear as I didn 't hear a big cry like I normally do but instead a small mewing sound like a kitten might make . I could see a crowd around her but she was here and alive and that 's all that mattered to me at that point . I heard someone ask if anyone got the time of birth and another person called out " 3 : 25 " . Dr . Parks was on his phone almost constantly trying to get blood for me . He kept asking how long until my blood A + was ready . I asked him later that week what that meant and he said they test it to see if it is compatible with my own blood which I think he said takes 45 minutes . But he didn 't have time to wait as I needed a blood transfusion . I knew something was wrong as I felt as if I was drifting and going to pass out and then I started to get dry heaves . At one point I vaguely wondered if this might be the end . Dr . Parks started the universal blood and I began to feel relief . I ended up with 3 pints of blood , two universal and the last one was my own type . Typically during my sections I like to keep distracted from what is happening by talking to everyone around me getting a play - by - play . This was not as easy this time as everyone was really busy working on me and baby girl . Mary Kay asked if she could go with baby and so it was just me but I was more concerned about baby girl so I was fine with that . . The song that was going over and over through my mind was Lord I Need You by Matt Maher . It is a song that had ministered to me numerous times during my pregnancy and did so again this day . During all of this John was sitting in my room praying and trying to relax . The nurse came out to tell him he had a baby girl but he had no idea all that had transpired . He stood by while they wheeled baby girl into the nursery and watched as they worked on her and that is when he saw her chest retracting . He had seen that enough times when Luke and Jonah and then Seth had RSV as infants so he knew the seriousness of it . When Dr . Traeger , the pediatrician on call , told John that baby girl needed to be sent to Milwaukee it scared him . He called my parents and my Mom came to the hospital right away and she said when she got there John just sat in the chair with his head between his hands and he couldn 't watch them working on our baby . It was too hard . I don 't know at what time I found out my uterus ruptured . And when I did find out , it didn 't really register what that meant . I also found out that baby girl , who didn 't have a name yet , needed to go to St . Joseph 's in Milwaukee . That brought back memories of when I had Luke and Jonah as Jonah needed to go down because of a racing heart . But knowing that Jonah was back in a few days I wasn 't too concerned . As family and friends came to visit with tears in their eyes in the days that followed I began to see how close to not being here we were . And if it had taken much longer to get to the hospital , for instance waiting for an ambulance , the outcome would have been different . The nurses wheeled my whole bed into the nursery where one of them was giving baby girl oxygen . Dr . Traeger , explained that he thought she had asphyxia and needed to be started on a cooling treatment at St . Joes . They knew she had been without oxygen but had no idea how long . Thankfully she never did come out of my uterus as she could have gotten into my abdomen . I gazed at my beautiful baby girl who reminded me of Simon when he was born and I longed to hold her but then I realized not all was right when I saw her chest retracting . They only allowed me to put my finger in her tiny hand and talk to her . I was blissfully unaware of the trial we were about to face as I tearfully watched my baby being wheeled away . John left shortly after to follow . I recovered in the hospital without my baby . I thought it would be hard being that I had a constant reminder of the baby bed in my room . But family and friends kept me occupied and the nurses were so wonderful that I was okay . I knew so many people were praying for me and I felt the Lord 's peace so profoundly . John would text me updates from St . Joseph 's and pictures that I enjoyed sharing with all who came to my room . Two days after baby girl as born , a Sunday morning , John called with news that rocked my world unlike anything I have experienced before . St . Joseph 's was transferring baby girl to Children 's hospital as they had an ECMO machine they could put her on to help her breathe . They had been treating her for asphyxia with the hypothermia treatment to heal her brain but after trying two ventilators she was still not breathing well . This was the last option and Children 's hospital had it . They immediately started the gradual warming in preparation for transfer but things weren 't looking good . At that point the thought came to me that I had not cradled my baby girl in my arms and now I may never hold her on this earth . John came to the hospital and we held each other and cried not knowing what lie ahead . My Dad went down to Children 's along with John and our Pastor came later . When Baby Girl Mason arrived at the hospital the doctor informed John she was in bad shape . My sister came to stay with me and I had many from church stop to hug me , read scripture , and pray with me that day . We were so grateful for all of our prayer warriors for baby girl who would later be known as our " Miracle Baby " . Here is a video I took when Grace was 4 days old . She was hooked up to a ventilator that you can hear " puffing " in the background and if you look closely you can see her chest moving to that sound . It also has John talking with the respiratory therapist as I scan the area looking at all of the machines and medications she was hooked up to . They had the lights on briefly as the therapist had just changed something . Otherwise it was typically dark . If you are unable to view the video here is the link - - http : / / youtu . be / V53K2l5k3LE Baby Grace was in the hospital for 18 days . The doctors were amazed at her progress and had expected her to be there much longer . You can read my updates on her hospital stay in the archives during the month of November 2013 . Oh my goodness ! We are almost to Grace 's 1st birthday and I can 't believe it ! I feel as if babyhood is suddenly behind us as Grace turned 11 months . She is so active and trying to be more independent each day . It is getting harder to get a clear picture of her as she wants to move , move , move . I am often asked if there are any delays in Grace 's development and judging by the fact that she is standing on her own and walking by pushing a toy among so many other milestones I 'd say no . I ask her continually to please slow down and be more like her big sister who was content to sit still . However , Grace will not oblige me in that . Her little personality is showing its colors more and more and John thinks she is going to be a little stinker . She loves to explore and as of the past couple of weeks climb onto little chairs and also climbs stairs . I discovered that feat when I found her half - way up the stairs to the attic . Oh , you can climb now , great ! I am lacking in ways to blockade this girl . Our doorways in the living room are so large that gates do not work . I tried chairs on their sides with a pillow to block any openings . Well , she is wise and simply pulls the pillow out and proceeds to crawl through the opening . I wasn 't expecting her to figure that out right away ! Grace is babbling more and more and clearly says in a sweet high pitched voice " DA - ee " of course she is still at the age where it has a variety of meanings but it takes on a more excited tone when she sees John . The most common noise we hear from Grace is her growl . At times it can be really intense and if we try to duplicate it it hurts our throat . Here Tank comes in to try and help her growl . This is nothing compared to her normal growl . The only thing that she doesn 't do often is laugh out loud . The only time she will is if you blow on her belly which " Zippy " enjoys doing . He also loves to give kisses and still likes to " hug her head " as he did right from the start . Grace is wearing size 12 months clothing and is 21 pounds ( on a big people scale ) . She is eating most of the same foods we do just ground up . I have never really liked baby food and especially with Grace have skipped over the jarred bland food for the most part except for convenience sake when out and about and then use the pouches . My favorite baby gadget has for years been my baby food mill . Whatever we are eating I grind up and she gobbles up . Of course she does enjoy those freeze - dried yogurt snacks and can handle small pieces of foods quite well . A much awaited update . I am quite certain Grace is my most photographed child or at least a close second to " George " . I didn 't get her monthly photo with the chalkboard since it broke but I took some sweet ones outside that really capture her personality . I also do have new family pictures that I will one day add to the header since our current one is so outdated . Grace had her first fever which got up to to 102 . I am always reluctant to treat a fever so we let it run it 's course and Grace was very content to be held and cuddled for two days . It most likely was a sickness as some of the rest of us ended up with the same fever that turned into a cough . Thankfully it ran it 's course quickly and Grace did not have that . She cut more teeth so now has 6 teeth with 4 on the top and two on the bottom . I forget how sharp those tiny teeth can be . Ouch ! No longer content with just Mama 's milk . I am always slow at starting solids but Grace is now enjoying puréed foods especially sweet potatoes or zucchini with leeks . It is always nice to have a baby starting solids during the time of fresh garden veggies . I prefer to make my own food which is simple with a handy little baby food mill . I will take whatever fruit or vegetable we are eating with a meal and grind it up . Grace also had her first taste of ice cream from her Grandma while at Dairy Queen . Her siblings were disappointed because their Opa ( Great - grandpa ) is usually the one to sneak that tasty treat to my babies . Napping is still sporadic . But then we are busy and on the go so often it is difficult to get into a good routine . And she still wakes once in the night . This girl puts everything into her mouth . I wonder why some babies do while others don 't . Most of ours haven 't but she has eagle eyes and finds the smallest fuzz . For the most part she will move it all around in her mouth then work it to the front so we can see it and grab it . Drool is a tell - tale sign she has something in there . I have found lego pieces , a dice and who knows what all else in there . I am so thankful she never swallows ! She is a mama 's girl and I love it ! She doesn 't want me out of her sight for too long . Of course she loves her Daddy too and siblings if she can 't have us . This stage is over in a blink of an eye so I 'll take her any chance I can get . Grace is the most content when carried . Although her favorite thing to do when I am carrying her is to pull my hair . And it isn 't the sweet , let me hold your hair while I sleep kind of thing . It is all out yanking ! Here she was using both hands ! |
Instead , I called my cousin , Maryanne , who isn 't really my cousin but the daughter of my aunt 's first husband , who killed himself when he jumped off the side of a bridge in the 80s . We don 't talk about that . Maryanne comes over with a J , and we sit on the front porch . I tell her I 'm not going to smoke because of the interview tomorrow , but I do anyway . We start to discuss things like how miserable we are at our jobs , the weirdest sex positions we 've done and how the pyramids in Egypt align with the stars in Orin 's Belt . I tell her a read a book by an Egyptian author recently for my translation class . As always she nodded her head and scrambled to change the subject and not focus my college education . I know she resents me because of it . " And do you remember the part when Jafar traps Jasmine inside of an hourglass ? At the end of the movie . " " When she can 't get out and she is crying for help ? And then Alladin comes and breaks the glass so she can escape . " " I never told anyone this , but I used to think about sex before I fell asleep . And not the usual kind of sex . After seeing that movie , all sorts of torturous devices came inside my head . I couldn 't fall asleep without thinking about it . I used to think of a woman inside of a spider 's web , the spider 's silk slowing wrapping around her body so that a man could later have her . I never really knew what it meant I just know I used to think about it . " " I never told anyone this either , but our godmother 's son used to touch me , while we were playing video games . I was only nine when it started . I don 't know for how long it went on . Maybe I was only seven or so , but I think nine . He was thirteen . I remember sitting there with a controller in my hand and his arms wrapped around me , feeling me . I forgave him . I remember a voice in my head saying ' Maybe he doesn 't know what he 's doing . ' Maybe he thinks it 's okay because someone did it to him . ' I thought my parents would be angry if they found out , so I never told them . ' Maybe it does feel good , ' I used to think . I learned to forget about it so quickly . He used to invite me to play board games with him under the covers of his bunk bed . I remember thinking ' Maybe if I asked my little brother to play with us , I would be safe . ' My brother shielded me . But then there was this time , I think at my dad 's work , in the childcare room at his office , and he pulled me into this rocket ship made of cardboard and pulled down his pants . All I remember was his Ninja Turtle underwear , and maybe something happened , maybe it didn 't , I don 't know … I guess I 've blocked it out . It stopped , I think one of the teachers walked into the room or something . I remember wanting to tell my mom so badly about what was going on , but I told my best friend at school who convinced me I had to say something , so I did . My mom was shocked , but I don 't think she ever told my godmother . " I started to cry . " I know I shouldn 't feel bad right now , but I do . I don 't know why . I shouldn 't be wasting our time together telling you about this … sorry , yeah , I don 't know why I 'm telling you about this . " You asked me out and took me to my favorite art gallery where they had poetry and jazz and paintings and everything in the world that I loved , maybe , including you . We took a walk back in the cold , and you gave me a piggyback ride and I could tell you wanted to kiss me but we had to pee , so I said I had the keys to the store where I worked and where we met . Maybe my boss would be mad but she would never find out if I didn 't tell her . You kissed me and said come over , then you drove me home while the radio played a song I knew , and I ended up on your soft mattress , and I made the bed the next day after you left for work and you texted me later to say thank you . I went to work late . I think my boss was mad . But I didn 't care because I felt so happy . While on vacation you asked me to send pictures of the beach . I sent you a picture of a face I made out of leaves I made while talking to my father on the phone and then a picture of me wearing a mermaid 's dress made of scales . You replied hm , that 's sexy . Today went for massage because I felt like it . I thought about how men always get tricked into a happy ending massage . After the masseuse had left I noticed the size my tits in the mirror for a bit . They used to be so firm and perky when I was in shape , but now they seem heavier and rounder . I pose in the as I imagine a pin - up model would . I go into the bathroom and give the happy ending to myself . I came over hungry even though I already ate dinner and devoured some peanut butter cups you had leftover while you taught me to play chess . We watched the news , and you said wow shit is seriously messed up out there , cops killing people . I said Maybe they shouldn 't carry guns . You said Yeah , but we don 't want cops who are pussies you know . Later you ate me out on your kitchen counter - top beside the chess set . In the morning you left for work , and I ate the rest of the peanut butter cups while I watched TV alone . You texted me to tell me you ran into the homeless lady that we fed and housed a few weeks ago outside your workplace on the other side of town . While watching TV , I learned something about those indigo children on Ancient Aliens . Then I read an entire book by Herman Hesse . It felt good to be fed by you and be given the to keys to your empty house . Let me tell you a little bit about the way we have sex . I don 't feel like I need a shield with you . You talk about things I use to fantasize about often , like getting spanked or choked , saying please before I came or do anything you asked me too . It scares me a bit , and I think you know it . I had a boyfriend who used to do things I never asked for but he 's in the past . You changed your tone a bit one day and instead started saying " May I touch for my own pleasure ? " and honestly I had never felt so liberated by a question . To be used for your pleasure and knowing you would be pleased by it without having to communicate that . Knowing I could use you back too in any way I choose . You asked me How do you feel when you watch porn ? I said that I don 't . I used to I always felt kind of gross afterward . You said Yeah , me too . That 's why I don 't either anymore . It never felt like we had a separate transition into sex . It was foreplay , all of it . I would look at your body , all of it , even the light bluish glow that surrounded you from the motion light from the house across from my window . " I never really thought I was sexy until you said it . " You clung to me afterward . We moved to separate sides to sleep then embraced in the morning . You asked me what I dreamt about , and I always told you . Sometimes I dream about you and sometimes about you and your mother . And then I asked you what you dream about and you just said Your dreams were strange . I made your bed again after for you after you left for coffee with your friends . I sat on your porch and read a book that my mother sent me in the mail about love while I combed my hair . Between the things you tell me , I suppose you are seeking freedom for yourself too . I have a question for you . If you too are a seeker , who knows God 's power constantly and asks God consistently for guidance , and with whom I feel God 's love considerably , why do you still reject anything that resembles intimacy ? After work , you said I want to take a walk with you . I took you to a log I liked in the woods . You said I can 't help but feel like something is missing between us . I said Yeah , Maybe we need to end this . I straddled the log , and then I kissed you . You said Okay , maybe we can keep trying for a little bit and see where this goes . I never read DH Lawrence before today , but he reminded me of my uncle who wrote a book about him . When we traveled together , he would look at the advertisements in the airports and tell me which models were also porn stars . I asked him how he knew that ( because I didn 't think he had the Internet ) and he would say Well , I 'm a man so of course , I know that . I had a dream that you put a ladder against my window and climbed in . You joined me on my bed on the floor and cuddled with me amongst my pillows . You seemed safe and cozy in my arms . You put your head in my lap and cried started to confess everything to me until you changed to topic to my mattress and said I 'd like one of these too . Even in my dream , I remember thinking how That 's so like you , to change the topic to a material object like the mattress before you got real with me . And then to put everything you desired in the future tense , and never think of the having of it now . When I remind you all shadows need light , you asked me Okay , what do you mean by that . We suddenly hear two cats screaming , and we look out the window to see on a patch of grass a black cat and a white cat staring at each other waiting to see who will back down . You remind me animals never hold on their fight or flight response . I brought you over and said maybe we should end things and you said maybe we should just be friends without sex . You said that You 're really messed up in the head and I asked you how . You said it 's hard for you to see women as people not just sexually . You said Your mother never said anything nice to you . In the morning you asked me Why are you bothering to stay here with me ? How do you not find me annoying ? And you looked like you wanted to cry for the first time . I said because I guess I care about the people in my life . And you are someone that I care about . I am there to emotionally support them . I thought When I met you I felt my whole heart open . I draped myself living room couch unable to move and my roommate saying I 've never seen you so happy . I wanted to listen to voicemails to hear your voice and now I have it hear . A month ago I decided by the end of the month I 'll stay or go . We decided to be just friends and not sleep together , but did we really decide that ? Now you want to open up even more , but your mother never loved you , you never felt whole as a child . I thought What 's that all about ? what the hell am I supposed to do about that ? I spoke to you in a way I had never spoken to anyone . I never told you I made a promise to myself to fall in love this year and maybe that 's why I 'm still here . I came to your house to retrieve the bra I left and watched you do your work . I sat across from you at a safe distance and drank the water you offered me . I don 't believe we leave the things behind by accident , a part of us always wants to come back to claim more than the object itself . I 'd listen to you type away furiously . I needed to sit near you . I needed to read all you had written , some critical report you had completed yourself . Seemed to me to be more about the economic fate of some developing country with no option to opt out . You began to massage my wrist delicately Suddenly I knew why were hurting me . I said I need to talk to you . I need you to see more . I asked What value am I to you ? You said I don 't know . I thought maybe I am just a whore to you . I said Look . I really like you . Look . You are hurting me . I couldn 't even look at you . I started to cry . You said nothing . I asked you What are you thinking ? You said I 'm thinking I 'm worried I 'll run into you again at the store where we met . I said You know I don 't work there any more . You just stared at me . I said Why are you looking at me like that ? You said Well , Why are you staring at me ? I said I 'm sorry for taking you away from your work . I thought Why the fuck am I apologizing ? You said You don 't need to apologize . I thought I just want you to say you love me . You said I 'm glad you were brave enough to do this . I said I need to leave now . At the door , you stuffed your hands into your pockets so tightly that your veins were protruding and you hung your head down . You asked me Do you want a hug ? I said Yes , I do . I started to cry over your shoulder . I said Look , I know you are a good person . I thought I don 't know how you managed to be both an abuser and my healer . You said Tell me how I 'm a good person . I said You think about it . I thought You know it 's not my duty to heal the depth of self - loathing you 've had last April . Your roommate was coming in the door and I didn 't want him to see me so I left right away . When I got outside , I folded myself in two on the stoop next to your house . I started crying . In the dark , at least ten people walked past me before a man wearing ragged clothing stumbled past . Those who thought " I don 't see this world way others see it , " are the ones who pushed on evolution . Looking at an ant colony , I see them moving around methodically . They don 't allow the others to die off because they need each other like a small organism that has different parts that move and swell and fade . So when did the first ant decide to pick up a leaf ? Or when did the first one grow wings ? Why did that ant who grew wings survive ? How did it decide it was time to fly away ? What was that " stuff " inside that pushed it to grow faster ? She picked up her leather bound journal . She walked . Trying to understand . She spent most of her days doing nothing more than that . Wondering why God has brought her here to this lonely place with Nelson . He spent many days , drawing the beaks of birds and napping along the coastline . And what did she do ? Most days she found the heat unbearable . She learned to cook a few dishes from the locals and sat and read the three books she had brought with her . She had read them enough times that she could close her eyes and recite them from memory , line by line . In the evenings , they would sit and watch the sunset together , and she would nuzzle her head into the crook of his arm as he stroked her hair and told her about everything he had seen that day . He would talk into the waves about his research , and she would listen and slightly nod , offering an occasional question of which he would always try to answer . He would lean over and kiss the middle of her forehead , and with her eyes closed , she could see a bright white light flash from the point just below her hairline . She would begin to recite to him lines from the latest book she had been reading and use dramatic voices , feeling the rise and fall of his chest when he laughed . When the stars came out , they would build fires from palm leaves and driftwood and nearly fall asleep . The beach became a haven for scorpions and other creatures at night , so they would always retreat to their small cabin to make love , but usually , they would just fall asleep . She would always ask him " What dreams do you think you 'll have ? " and then they would play a little game . She would try to think of an object before they fell asleep and see if the other could secretly send the image along while they slept and then check back on their accuracy in the morning . Him , lying on his back and her , curled up like a newborn at his side . They would usually wake up and report that they had had strange dreams , but could never completely communicate what exactly had happened to the other . Every morning , they rose with the sun , and she would prepare him a cup of coffee in a small tin mug with a red flower on it before he left for the day . He would review his notes , and she would finish making breakfast before he left for the day . Nearly six months of this simple life and she had recorded almost every day in a small pocket calendar she left at her bedside . When she wrote , she imagined addressing writing a note to her mother , asking questions like Are the kittens growing ? Has my sister purchased a crib for the baby ? The thought of going back to her former world seemed so far into a place unknown ; she hardly remembered their old address or the names of her neighbors . Everything there seemed very mundane , and she hardly cared to wonder anymore . She could not communicate orally to the locals in the village , but that had not stopped her from attempting to socialize . After all , she needed social interaction outside from Nelson . On market day she would see her two close friends . The first , an old man who sat on the side of a linen shop and hummed tunes into an old flute . He had given her one , and they would play together on occasion . At first , he was not the best teacher . He would simply take the flute and rapidly flow into an old folk song he had memorized by heart , nodding to her and expecting her to repeat in turn . But after listening many times , she became fairly nimble with the instrument and came up with some tunes of her own . Before market days , he would always bring her a freshly picked bag of mangos from his orchard , yet she never knew how to express gratitude to the old man that provided for her , unconditionally . Her second friend was a school - aged boy with a lazy eye who spent his afternoons out of school by the yogurt cart in town with his grandfather . He spent his days drawing pictures of animals on the back of his school primers . One day , she came to buy a cold yogurt and sat with the boy , giving him one of Nelson notebooks he had brought along . She would draw a picture of something and say the word in her native tongue , and he would write the word in his language in return . She had learned quite a lot from him that way , and soon she found herself sitting with him after he had left school , doing homework from the same third - grade textbook he used for class and learning as much as she could . Occasionally , he would give her small gifts - a shiny pebble he had found on the shore or a piece of hard candy , and she would return the favor with a coin or a postcard from home . But her favorite gift of all appeared when she sat next to him , and he handed her a plate of fruit on which he had carved a pineapple into the shape of a small bird sitting on a branch . Aside from her two local friends , she had befriended another foreigner on the island . She remembered the shock she felt the day at the marketplace when they locked eyes and looked as if the other had seen a ghost . He was an American who had spent two tours fighting in the Persian Gulf War and had come to the island as a way to recover from all of the tragedy he had experienced , and in time married a local from the island . She felt overjoyed and immediately ran back to the house to tell Nelson who she had met . The American came by the next day . It was the first day she had seen her husband take his nose out of his notes and pick up a beer . The three of them talked until the moon rose over the shore . Her heart rejoiced in the male companionship her husband had found . After all , a husband and wife could only keep each other company for so long before they felt as if they were talking into a mirror . The American told the couple his stories . After two tours in the Persian Gulf , he came back to states to find himself homeless , drinking soup from a tin can he had pulled out of a dumpster until one day a woman from a Catholic charity mission cleaned him up and gave him a place to rest . He did not want to stay in the church for long , for fear of becoming converted , so he found work in a packaging plant and moved into a basement apartment of his own . One night , while walking home after a long night with his drinking buddies , a group of three teenage boys mugged him and broke his right leg , and he found himself out of work again and living off of his unemployment checks . He carted himself to the library on the weekends to an art therapy group reading Paradise Lost and making painted collages . He decided once he became physically healed he would heal his mind and spirit through travel . He had seen so many men die in the Army that he began to question the purpose of life itself . He wanted to see what was out there beyond the crumbling streets of America and war - torn villages of the Middle East . So after saving up enough for a one - way ticket , he sent himself to Africa , then hitchhiking his way through Asia , and eventually flying to Central America before settling here on the island where he married and built a small home on the side of a mountain . Both she had Nelson were so captivated by his stories that they would invite him to the cabin after his weekly trips to the market for produce . They always promised to go up and see his home , but terrible weather or illness always seemed to prevent them from taking that journey . One week , while Nelson 's was consumed in his research , she spent some time along with the foreigner . It was then that she began to notice things about him that didn 't seem quite right . He said and did things he had not in the presence of her husband , such as commenting on how overly lavish her clothing was for the island or occasionally brushing his hand along her waistline when he passed her while preparing dinner in the kitchen . One evening while the two were smoking cigarettes on the porch , he pulled out his small sketchpad from his back pocket . " Want to see a picture I drew of my wife ? " he asked . He flipped through pages to reveal a picture of a woman with full , round breasts . " Aren 't her eyes so beautiful ? " he said as he paused his index finger on the corner of the page . He began to talk about his wife and his plans to take her back to America with him and show her a civilized life . He expected she would cook and clean for him while he took a job at a financial institution , and put his degree in business to use . He hoped they would try to have children , but had come to suspect that his wife had been drinking some strange type of mountain herb that prevented her from " producing " the heir he desired . She did not understand , for when he drank with Nelson the American could always talk about how he could live forever on this idyllic island of bliss with his wife , and never return to home . When she asked why he never brought his wife along for a visit , he said the journey down the mountain would be too much of a strain on her and hinder her ability to carry his future children . When Nelson had left for a two - week - long excursion at sea to study the mating patterns of turtles , a terrible storm came to the island . In fear and loneliness of her husband 's return , she invited the American to stay with her for company and protection . He slept on a cot on the floor in the common room and occasionally on the hammock outside when the poor weather subsided . At night , she would sit and with him and chat while sewing and repairing holes Nelson 's torn trousers , sometimes tuning into the news on her AM radio or putting on a record to keep her mind off her longing for her husband 's return . She had stopped drinking and hardly ate more than a few pieces of fruit during the day , yet the knot in her stomach remained . During their evenings together , the American had taken up the habit of drinking vodka straight out of the bottle , chasing it with a beer . One night , the power went out , and she huddled next to him on the porch of their cabin , watching the rain pour mercilessly . " Will it be okay ? " Tears welled up in his eyes as he told her what he had seen in the military . The hundreds of men coming across his operating table , with missing limbs , open wounds , fractured skulls that revealed the bloody bits of ruptured brains . " My body , when it dies , it just is gone , nothing else , " he said . His tiny pupils looked at hers as if he was looking into nothingness . " And that terrifies me , death . I don 't know what comes after . " " There is another side , " she replied . " You know that of course . All of the near death experiences that you hear of , the white light that people see . The way they feel they are floating out of their body , going into heaven 's gate . " " Once , in Tibet , I witnessed a Sky Burial on the side of a mountain , " he began to speak as if he hadn 't even heard her comment . " I stood 500 meters away while I watched two men take their dead brother and lay him out for a pack of hungry vultures to pick apart . The flesh disappeared in a matter of minutes . All that was a stack of bones . The monk came with a knife and hacked away at the skeleton , then ground the bones into a paste with a motor . I watched the whole thing until nothing remained of the dead man 's body . I didn 't feel uncomfortable at all . But I wondered , had they felt invaded by my voyeurism ? How would I feel , if these men had come to America , and stood on the sidelines while they watched a priest lower my brother 's coffin into the ground ? Maybe they wouldn 't care . According to the Buddhists , death isn 't the end , and we are all reborn . Maybe we are all just a part of the circle of things , and it 's true that a man 's flesh is no more valuable than a vulture 's . He goes to the sky through the belly of the bird until it then too dies , decays , and becomes a part of the endless circle of things once again . " " When I go , I want to have a party , go out with a bang ! You know ? Prop me up in bed , give my friends a round of champagne and let them drip morphine into my blood until I take my final breath . " " There is a beautiful quote in here that says : ' I pray that death will not come and find me still unannihilated . ' In other words , man dies happy if there is no one to die , which means the ego has disappeared before death caught up with him . But you see , the knowledge of death helps the ego to disappear because it tells you that you can 't hang on . So what we need is to go out with a bang instead of a whimper . " She let out a faint weep . The American leaned over on her shoulder , twisting a lock of her hair with his index finger . " Does your husband ever tell you how beautiful your eyes are ? " he whispered . She gently pulled herself away from his soft grasp and swiftly returned into the darkness of the cabin . She curled her knees into her chest under and dragged the thin layer of sheets up and over her ears . She knew in that instant that she did not want to see the American anymore The American returned to his home on the mountain the following day without a word . Nelson returned from his journey seven days after that . The two of them sat in their usual spot on the shoreline , and he habitually leaned in to kiss her forehead , but this time she could feel the quiver on his lips . Something was not quite right . " We found a lot about the turtle 's mating habits and even more about their evolution , " he said . " The world needs to know this . It 's time I go back to publish our findings . Can you stay here ? And maintain our cabin ? As we promised , you know that . " She could feel the skin of her breastbone tighten , and she began to curl her knees into her chest . " Yes , of course , my love . " Looking up into his brown eyes , she twisted a lock of his wavy hair , hair that now nearly reached down to his shoulders . " I may get a haircut while I 'm back to , " he laughed , brushing her hand aside . " Will you be okay ? Three months alone is a longtime alone for you . Perhaps the American and his wife can come down to keep company . " The next morning she stood at the shoreline , watching his boat sail away . On the ship , there was life and noise ; she saw him searching for her ; sorrowfully he gazed at the pearly foam as if he knew she had thrown herself into the waves . She gracefully walked away , and her feet left fresh indentations in the sand , the only mark of life aside from a pack of vultures gnawing on a decaying fish by the jetty . She took a seat on the log by the anthill . " But you wanted this . You asked for it . " A man who enjoys a woman 's pleasure more than his own is still struggling with his faulty design . |
A compilation of interesting , touching , humorous write - ups that I come across . . . In the mail , on the net , in a book . . . . And believe its worth a read . . . 22 . Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn . Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime . After searching high and low among the hay for a long while ; he gave up and enlisted the help of a group of children playing outside the barn . He promised them that the person who found it would be rewarded . Hearing this , the children hurried inside the barn , went through and around the entire stack of hay but still could not find the watch . Just when the farmer was about to give up looking for his watch and most of the kids had left , a little boy went up to him and asked to be given another chance . The farmer looked at him and thought , " Why not ! After all , this kid looks sincere enough . " So the farmer sent the little boy back in the barn . After a while the little boy came out with the watch in his hand ! The farmer was both happy and surprised and so he asked the boy how he succeeded where the rest had failed . The boy replied , " I did nothing but sit on the ground and listen . In the silence , I heard the ticking of the watch and just looked for it in that direction . " Moral : A peaceful mind can think better than a worked up mind . Allow a few minutes of silence to our mind every day , and see , how sharply it helps us to set our life the way we expect it to be . . . ! The 92 - year - old , small , well - poised and proud lady , who is fully dressed each morning by eight o ' clock , with her hair fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly applied , even though she is legally blind , moved to a nursing home today . Her husband recently passed away , making the move necessary . After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home , she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready . As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator , I provided a visual description of her tiny room , including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window . " I love it , " she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight - year - old having just been presented with a new puppy . " Mrs . Jones , you haven 't seen the room … . just wait . " " That doesn 't have anything to do with it , " she replied . " Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time . Whether I like my room or not doesn 't depend on how the furniture is arranged , it 's how I arrange my mind . I already decided to love it . It 's a decision I make every morning when I wake up . I have a choice ; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work , or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do . Each day is a gift , and as long as my eyes open I 'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I 've stored away , just for this time in my life . " She went on to explain , " Old age is like a bank account , you withdraw from what you 've put in . So , my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories . Thank you for your part in filling my Memory bank . I am still depositing . " And with a smile , she said : Remember the five simple rules to be happy : 1 . Free your heart from hatred2 . Free your mind from worries3 . Live simply4 . Give more5 . Expect less . An elderly man in Mumbai calls his son in New York and says : ' I hate to ruin your day son , but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce ; 35 years of marriage … . And that much misery is enough ! ' ' Dad , what are you talking about ? ' the son screams . ' We can 't stand the sight of each other any longer , ' the old man says . ' We 're sick of each other , and I 'm sick of talking about this , so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her ! ' Frantic , the son calls his sister , who explodes on the phone . ' Like heck they 're getting divorced , ' she shouts , ' I 'll take care of this . ' She calls Mumbai immediately , and screams at the old man , ' You are not getting divorced . Don 't do a single thing until I get there . I 'm calling my brother back , and we 'll both be there tomorrow . Until then , don 't do a thing , DO YOU HEAR ? ? ' and she hangs up . The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife . . ' Okay ' , he says , ' It 's all set . They 're both coming for our anniversary and paying their own airfare ! ! ' MORAL : No man / woman is busy in this world all 365 days . The sky is not going to fall down if you take few days LEAVE and meet your dear ones . Office work is not everything in life and earning money is not the only aim . An aging master grew tired of his apprentice 's complaints . One morning , he sent him to get some salt . When the apprentice returned , the master told him to mix a handful of salt in a glass of water and then drink it . The amount of pain in life remains exactly the same . However , the amount of bitterness we taste depends on the container we put the pain in . So when you are in pain , the only thing you can do is to enlarge your sense of things . They tell the story of a mountain climber , desperate to conquer the Aconcagua , initiated his climb after years of preparation . But he wanted the glory to himself ; therefore , he went up alone . He started climbing , did that for several hours , He did not prepare for camping but decided to keep on going . Soon it got dark . . . Night fell with heaviness at such high altitude and there was zero visibility . Everything was black , no moon , and the stars covered by clouds . As he was climbing a ridge at about 100 meters from the top , he slipped and fell . Falling rapidly he could only see blotches of darkness that passed in the same darkness and a terrible sensation of being suctioned by gravity . He kept falling and in those anguishing moments ' good and bad memories passed through his mind . He thought he would die . Nevertheless , he felt a jolt that almost tore him in half . Like any good mountain climber he had staked himself with a long rope tied to his waist . In those moments of stillness , suspended in the air he had no other choice but to shout , " HELP ME GOD " , " HELP ME ! " All of a sudden he heard a deep voice . " What do you want me to do ? " " SAVE ME " " Do you REALLY think that I can save you ? " " OF COURSE , MY GOD " . " Then cut the rope that is holding you up . " There was another moment of silence and stillness . The man held tighter to the rope . The rescue team says that the next day they found , a frozen mountain climber hanging strongly to a rope TWO FEET off the ground . . . One day a woman was walking down the street when she spied a beggar sitting on the corner . The man was elderly , unshaven , and ragged . As he sat there , pedestrians walked by him giving him dirty looks They clearly wanted nothing to do with him because of who he was - - a dirty , homeless man . But when she saw him , the woman was moved to compassion . It was very cold that day and the man had his tattered coat - - more like an old suit coat rather than a warm coat - - wrapped around him . She stopped and looked down . " Sir ? " she asked . " Are you all right ? " The man slowly looked up . This was a woman clearly accustomed to the finer things of life . Her coat was new . She looked like that she had never missed a meal in her life . His first thought was that she wanted to make fun of him , like so many others had done before . " Leave me alone , " he growled . To his amazement , the woman continued standing . She was smiling - - her even white teeth displayed in dazzling rows . " Are you hungry ? " she asked . " No , " he answered sarcastically . " I 've just come from dining with the president . Now go away . " The woman 's smile became even broader . Suddenly the man felt a gentle hand under his arm . " What are you doing , lady ? " the man asked angrily . " I said to leave me alone . " Just then a policeman came up . " Is there any problem , ma ' am ? " he asked . " No problem here , officer , " the woman answered . " I 'm just trying to get this man to his feet . Will you help me ? " The officer scratched his head . " That 's old Jack . He 's been a fixture around here for a couple of years . What do you want with him ? " " See that cafeteria over there ? " she asked . " I 'm going to get him something to eat and get him out of the cold for a while . " " Are you crazy , lady ? " the homeless man resisted . " I don 't want to go in there ! " Then he felt strong hands grab his other arm and lift him up . " Let me go , officer . I didn 't do anything . " " This is a good deal for you , Jack , " the officer answered . " Don 't blow it . " Finally , and with some difficulty , the woman and the police officer got Jack into the cafeteI have learned that a man has the right to look down on another only when he has to help the other get to his feet A well - known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $ 20 . 00 bill . In the room of 200 , he asked , " Who would like this $ 20 bill ? " Hands started going up . He said , " I am going to give this $ 20 to one of you but first , let me do this . He proceeded to crumple up the $ 20 dollar bill . He then asked , " Who still wants it ? " Still the hands were up in the air . Well , he replied , " What if I do this ? " And he dropped it on the ground and soiled it . He picked it up , now crumpled and dirty . " Now , who still wants it ? " Still the hands went into the air . My friends , we have all learned a very valuable lesson . No matter what I did to the money , you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value . It was still worth $ 20 . Many times in our lives , we are dropped , crumpled , and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way , We feel as though we are worthless . But no matter what has happened or what will happen , we will have inherent value and not lose it . Dirty or clean , crumpled or finely creased , you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you . The true worth of our lives comes not merely by what we do or who we know , But by WHO WE ARE . " You are special - Don 't EVER forget it . " A sales rep , an admin clerk , and their manager were walking to lunch when they found an antique oil lamp . They rub it and a Genie came out . The Genie said , " I will give each of you a wish , go quick . " " Me first ! Me first ! " said the admin clerk and continued , " I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat , without a care in the world . " Pooff ! She 's gone . " Me next ! Me next ! " said the sales rep and hurriedly asked his wish , " I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with love of my life . " Pooff ! He 's gone . " OK , over to you " , the Genie said to the manager . The manager said , " I want those two back in the office by the time I am done with my lunch . " Moral : Always let your boss have the first say This is a story of two brothers . One was a drug addict and drunkard who frequently beat up his family . The other one was a very successful businessman who was respected in society and had a wonderful family . Some people wanted to find out why two brothers from the same parents , brought up in the same environment , could be so different . They asked the first one , " Why are you behaving like this ? You are a drug addict , a drunkard , and you beat your family . What motivates you ? " He said , " My father . " They asked , " What about your father ? " The reply was , " My father was a drug addict , a drunkard and he beat his family . Then what do you expect me to be ? That is what I am . " They went to his brother and asked him the same question . " How come you are doing everything right ? You are a very successful person . What is your source of motivation ? " And guess what he said ? He too said , " My father . When I was a little boy , I used to see my dad drunk and doing all the wrong things . I made up my mind that … that is ' not ' what I wanted to be . " A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer , ' This is the dumbest kid in the world . Watch while I prove it to you . ' The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other , then calls the boy over and asks , ' Which do you want , son ? ' The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar . ' What did I tell you ? ' said the barber . ' That kid never learns ! ' Later , when the customer leaves , he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice - cream store ; he says to the boy ; ' Hey , son ! May I ask you a question ? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill ? ' The boy licked his cone and replied , ' Because the day I take the dollar , the game 's over ! ' Moral : When you think the other person is dumb , very likely you may be making a fool of yourself . Stay away from Anger . It hurts only You and nobody else . If you are right , then there is no need to get angry , and if you are wrong then you don 't have any right to get angry . Patience with family is love , Patience with others is respect , Patience with self is confidence andPatience with GOD is faith . Never think hard about the past , it brings tears . Don 't think more about the future , it brings fear . Live this moment with a Smile , it brings cheer . Every test in our life makes us bitter or better , Every problem comes to make us or break us , The choice is ours whether we become victims or victorious . Search for a beautiful heart not a beautiful face . Beautiful things are not always good , but good things are always beautiful . Do you know why God created gaps between fingers ? So that someone who is special to you comes and fills those gaps by holding your hand forever . Never forget this advice ! Happiness keeps You Sweet , Trials keep You Strong , Success keeps You Glowing , and But Only God keeps You Going ! When you don 't give up , you cannot fail . Posted by An aircraft was flying through the clouds , suddenly it lost balance . All passengers were showing panic state with fear covering the entire cabin . But for a small Girl who kept playing with her toy undisturbed . . . One day a bus driver went to the bus garage , started his bus , and drove off along the route . No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on , a few got off , and things went generally well . At the next stop , however , a big hulk of a Pathan got on . Six feet four , built like a wrestler , arms hanging down to the ground . He glared at the conductor and said , " Pathan doesn 't pay ! " and sat down at the back . Conductor didn 't argue with Pathan , but he wasn 't happy about it . The next day the same thing happened i . e . Pathan got on again , made a show of refusing to pay , and sat down . And the next day , and the next . This grated on the bus driver , who started losing sleep over the way Pathan was taking advantage of poor conductor . Finally he could stand it no longer . He signed up for body building courses , karate , judo , and all that good stuff . By the end of the summer , he had become quite strong ; what 's more , he felt really good about himself . So , on the next Monday , when Pathan once again got on the bus and said , " Pathan doesn 't pay ! " The driver stood up , glared back at Pathan , and screamed , " And why not ? " With a surprised look on his face , Pathan replied , " Pathan has a bus pass . " Management Lesson : Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one . People come into your life for a reason , a season or a lifetime . When you figure out which one it is , you will know what to do for each person . When someone is in your life for a REASON , it is usually to meet a need you have expressed . They have come to assist you through a difficulty ; to provide you with guidance and support ; to aid you physically , emotionally or spiritually . They may seem like a godsend , and they are . They are there for the reason you need them to be . Then , without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time , this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end . Sometimes they die . Sometimes they walk away . Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand . What we must realize is that our need has been met , our desire fulfilled ; their work is done . The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on . Some people come into your life for a SEASON , because your turn has come to share , grow or learn . They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh . They may teach you something you have never done . They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy . Believe it . It is real . But only for a season . LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons ; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation . Your job is to accept the lesson , love the person , and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life . It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant . - Unknown Once upon a time , there was a selfish man . He liked everything to be his own . He could not share his belongings with anyone , not even with his friends or the poor . One day , the man lost thirty gold coins . He went to his friend 's house and told him how he lost his gold coins . His friend was a kind man . As his friend 's daughter was coming from an errand she found thirty gold coins , when she arrived home , she told her father what she had found . The girl 's father told her that the gold coins belong to his friend and he sent for him . When the selfish man arrived , he told him how his daughter had found his thirty gold coins and handed then to him . After counting the gold coins the man said that ten of them were missing and had been taken by the girl as he had forty gold coins . He further commented that he will recover the remaining amount from him . But the girl 's father refused . The judge sent for the girl and her father , and when they arrived asked the girl how many gold coins she found . She replied thirty gold coins . The Judge that asked the selfish man how many gold coins he lost and he answered forty gold coins . Outraged by the response , the king ordered the arrest of his servant . While being taken to jail , he told the king again . God is Good & Perfect . There was a young man who desired humility . He went to an old wise man and said to him , " Sir , I wish to be humble , but I don 't know how to obtain it . What must I do to acquire humility ? " The old wise man thought for a minute and replied , " Here is what you should do . Go out and find someone who is beneath you and do something nice for him . Give him something that you have or do something for him that needs to be done . " The young man replied , " I can do that ! " He immediately left and came upon a homeless man on the street who looked like he had not eaten in days . He took the man to a restaurant and bought him a nice hot meal . After he dropped off the homeless man , the young man , who was feeling pretty good , returned to the wise man and told him what he had done . He then asked him , " Do I now have humility ? " The wise old man replied , " Not yet ! " The young man 's face fell and after a while , he asked the wise man , " What else must I do to acquire humility ? " The wise man said , " Go out and find someone else who is beneath you and do something nice for him . " This upset the young man . He replied , " But I did that already ! If I go help someone else , Will I then have humility ? " The wise man replied , " No you will not ! " This upset the young man even more and he asked , " How many people do I have to help , 10 people ? " " No ! " " 100 people ? " " No ! " " I don 't understand ! Please tell me how many people do I have to help ? How will I know when I have obtained humility ? " , asked the young man . The wise old man replied , " You will have obtained humility when you can no longer find anyone that you think is beneath you ! " Harry the Carpenter , returning home with his week 's wages , was stopped by an armed robber on a deserted street . " Take my money , " said Harry , " but do me a favor : Shoot a bullet through my hat otherwise my wife won 't believe I was robbed . " The robber obliged . He threw Harry 's hat into the air and put a bullet through it . " Let 's make it look as if I ran into a gang of robbers , " said Harry , " otherwise my wife will call me a coward ! Please shoot a number of holes through my coat . " So the robber shot a number of holes through the carpenter 's coat . " And now … " continued Harry . " Sorry , " interrupted the robber . " No more holes . I 'm out of bullets . " " That 's all I wanted to know ! " said Harry . " Now hand me back my money and some more for the hat and coat that you 've ruined or I 'll beat you black and blue ! " The robber threw down the money and ran away . Moral : It 's never too late to use our brains to get out of a difficult situation ! ! When the great library of Alexandria burned , the story goes , one book was saved . But it was not a valuable book ; and so a poor man , who could read a little , bought it for a few coppers . The book wasn 't very interesting , but between its pages there was something very interesting indeed . It was a thin strip of vellum on which was written the secret of the " Touchstone " ! The touchstone was a small pebble that could turn any common metal into pure gold . The writing explained that it was lying among thousands and thousands of other pebbles that looked exactly like it . But the secret was this : The real stone would feel warm , while ordinary pebbles are cold . So the man sold his few belongings , bought some simple supplies , camped on the seashore , and began testing pebbles . He knew that if he picked up ordinary pebbles and threw them down again because they were cold , he might pick up the same pebble hundreds of times . So , when he felt one that was cold , he threw it into the sea . He spent a whole day doing this but none of them was the touchstone . Yet he went on and on this way . Pick up a pebble . Cold - throw it into the sea . Pick up another . Throw it into the sea . The days stretched into weeks and the weeks into months . One day , however , about mid - afternoon , he picked up a pebble and it was warm . He threw it into the sea before he realized what he had done . He had formed such a strong habit of throwing each pebble into the sea that when the one he wanted came along , he still threw it away . So it is with opportunity . Unless we are vigilant , it 's easy to fail to recognize it as an opportunity when it is in hand , and it 's just as easy to throw it away . Once upon a time , there lived a King who , despite his luxurious lifestyle , was neither happy nor content . One day , the King came upon a servant who was singing happily while he worked . This fascinated the King ; why was he , the Supreme Ruler of the Land , unhappy and gloomy , while a lowly servant had so much joy . The King asked the servant , ' Why are you so happy ? ' The man replied , ' Your Majesty , I am nothing but a servant , but my family and I don 't need too much - just a roof over our heads and warm food to fill our tummies . ' The king was not satisfied with that reply . Later in the day , he sought the advice of his most trusted advisor . After hearing the King 's woes and the servant 's story , the advisor said , ' Your Majesty , I believe that the servant Has not been made part of The 99 Club . ' ' The 99 Club ? And what exactly is that ? ' the King inquired . The advisor replied , ' Your Majesty , to truly know what The 99 Club is , place 99 Gold coins in a bag and leave it at this servant 's doorstep . ' When the servant saw the bag , he took it into his house . When he opened the bag , he let out a great shout of joy . . . So many gold coins ! He began to count them . After several counts , he was at last convinced that there were 99 coins . He wondered , ' What could 've happened to that last gold coin ? Surely , no one would leave 99 coins ! ' He looked everywhere he could , but that final coin was elusive . Finally , exhausted he decided that he was going to have to work harder than ever to earn that gold coin and complete his collection . From that day , the servant 's life was changed . He was overworked , horribly grumpy , and castigated his family for not helping him make that 100th gold coin . He stopped singing while he worked . Witnessing this drastic transformation , the King was puzzled . When he sought his advisor 's help , the advisor said , ' Your Majesty , the servant has now officially joined The 99 Club . ' He continued , ' The 99 Club is a name given to those people who have enough to be happy but are never contented , because they 're always yearning and Striving fPosted by Only local train passengers in Mumbai will know how helpful commuters try to be . . . . . . Last week , a hapless victim fell prey to the over enthusiastic Mumbai 's local train commuters . Our hero , a man from Pune , wanted to go to Matunga , but as luck and Trains would have it , boarded a fast train not halting at his destination . He panicked on realizing his mistake but by then the local had started moving . On seeing his plight , a sympathetic co - passenger decided to come to his rescue . It seemed that he had been commuting by that particular train ( 6 : 03 pm Kasara Fast ) for the past 6 years and had noticed that the train always slowed down just before Matunga station and crawled at a snail 's pace while passing through it . He told the man to jump out of the running train as it slowed down and that with a little bit of fleet - footedness , he would make it safely on terra firma . However , knowing the man 's inexperience , he added some words of caution : " Keep running the moment you jump or you 'll fall . Just keep running . " He stressed the word " running " lest the man not know the laws of motion . The train did slow down just before Matunga station and at the prompting of His mentor , our hero jumped out of the train and started running as if all Hell had broken loose . What he didn 't realize , of course , was that he was running parallel to the train instead of running away from it . Meanwhile , the train slowed down further , now the man was running faster than the train . In the process , he reached the door of the next compartment and the footboard commuters there pulled him in thinking he was trying to board the train ! To his agony , the train picked up speed and sped past Matunga and his new co - passengers started to congratulate him on how lucky he had been , until he told them that they had actually undone what he had done with great difficulty . Those standing at the door of his " ex - compartment " had witnessed the whole drama and just couldn 't stop laughing at the poor man 's situation , while he grinned sheepishly ! ! ! Ae dil , hai mushkil , jeena yahNischala This story Melt My heart I wanted to Share it ! Must read ! Being a veterinarian , I had been called to examine a ten - year - old Irish Wolfhound named Belker . The dog 's owners , Ron , his wife Lisa , and their little boy Shane , were all very attached to Belker , and they were hoping for a miracle . I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer . I told the family we couldn 't do anything for Belker , and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home . As we made arrangements , Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six - year - old Shane to observe the procedure . They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience . The next day , I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker 's family surrounded him . Shane seemed so calm , petting the old dog for the last time , that I wondered if he understood what was going on . Within a few minutes , Belker slipped peacefully away . The little boy seemed to accept Belker 's transition without any difficulty or confusion . We sat together for a while after Belker 's Death , wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives . Shane , who had been listening quietly , piped up , " I know why . " Startled , we all turned to him . What came out of his mouth next stunned me . I 'd never heard a more comforting explanation . It has changed the way I try and live . He said , " People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life - like loving everybody all the time and being nice , right ? " The Six - year - old continued , " Well , dogs already know how to do that , so they don 't have to stay as long . " _____ Live simply . Love generously . Care deeply . Speak kindly . _____ Remember , if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like : When loved ones come home , always run to greet them . Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride . Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy . Take naps . Stretch before rising . Run , romp , and play daily . Thrive on attention and let people touch you . Avoid bPosted by From time to time , people tell me , " lighten up , it 's just a dog , " or , " that 's a lot of money for just a dog . " They don 't understand the distance traveled , the time spent , or the costs involved for " just a dog . " Some of my proudest moments have come about with " just a dog . " Many hours have passed and my only company was " just a dog , " but I did not once feel slighted . Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by " just a dog , " and in those days of darkness , the gentle touch of " just a dog " gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day . If you , too , think it 's " just a dog , " then you will probably understand phases like " just a friend , " " just a sunrise , " or " just a promise . " " Just a dog " brings into my life the very essence of friendship , trust , and pure unbridled joy . " Just a dog " brings out the compassion and patience that make me a better person . Because of " just a dog " I will rise early , take long walks and look longingly to the future . So for me and folks like me , it 's not " just a dog " but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future , the fond memories of the past , and the pure joy of the moment . " Just a dog " brings out what 's good in me and diverts my thoughts away from myself and the worries of the day . I hope that someday they can understand that it 's not " just a dog " but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being " just a human . " So the next time you hear the phrase " just a dog . " just smile , because they " just don 't understand . " Authored by Richard A . Biby The essence of the exercise is that your " Eyes Must be Closed " when you are doing this exercise . You must practice the " Jin Ji Du Li " exercise with the eyes closed . Here is the exercise : Stand on one leg while your eyes are closed . That is all . Just try it right now , stop reading and stand up , close your eyes and try standing on one foot . Zhong Li Ba Ren has written a book titled " Self Help is Better than Seeking Doctors ' Help " , which is a bestselling book that has been the best seller health book in China since it was first published last year . Its success can be measured by the fact that it has been reprinted 12 times within 6 months , with more than 1 million copies sold . The book is a hot seller because is it teaches many simple practical health tips . It is said that according to the understanding of Chinese physicians , diseases appear in the body because the co - ordination between the various internal organs encounter problems and that causes the body to lose its balance . Jin Ji Du Li can readjust this inter - relationship of the organs and how they function with each other . Zhong Li Ba Ren statedthat many people can 't stand on one foot with their eyes closed for even 5 seconds , but later on as they practice it daily , are able to stand for more than 2 minutes . As you gain ability to stand for longer time , the feeling of " head heavy , light feet " disappears . As benefits or practising Jin Ji Du Li , you will experience that the quality of sleep improves , the mind clears up and memory improves significantly . Most importantly if you can practice Jin Ji Du Li with your eyes closed for 1 minute every day , you will not get dementia . Nothing is written - lesson from the film " Lawrence of Arabia " My all - time favorite film is " Lawrence Of Arabia " and , if I have a favorite scene from the movie , then I guess it is the one of Lawrence 's triumphal return from the Nefud desert , having gone back to rescue the Arab Gasim . The crossing of the Nefud desert is considered impossible , even by the local Arabs , but Lawrence persuades them that , in this way , they can take the Turkish port at Aqaba from the rear . Having carried out the superhuman feat of traversing this furnace , it is discovered that one of the Arabs , Gasim , has fallen off his camel and is no doubt dying somewhere back in the desert . Lawrence is told that any idea of rescue is futile and , in any event , Gasim 's death is " written " . When Lawrence achieves the impossible and returns with Gasim still alive , Sheriff Ali admits to him : " Truly , for some men nothing is written unless they write it " . As an impressionable teenager when this film was first released , I was stunned by Lawrence 's courage and unselfishness in going back into the hell of the Nefud to attempt to find a man he hardly knew among the vast expanse of a fiery terrain and I was so moved by the sense of purpose of a man who is determined to take nothing as " written " but to shape his own destiny . This sense of anti - determinism and this belief that anything is possible has stayed with me always and continues to inspire me in small ways and large . By - Roger Darlington I think , particularly as a manager , we have to have something that 's valuable and difficult to imitate . And the challenge with the future is that artificial intelligence and technology , in many ways , gets rid of the job of the manager . In fact , I 've written an article that got a lot of press called " The Death of the Middle Manager . " And what I argued is that actually Gen Y don 't want to be managed , and if you think your job is about being the conduit for information , well , open innovation gets rid of that because everyone can talk to everybody else . And if you think your job is about collecting information and assimilating it , giving it out again , well , artificial intelligence can do that . If it 's not doing it now , it will in the future . So actually , potentially , the job as a middle manager disappears . So what then should we be doing ? The point I want to make is that the interesting research on technology shows that actually what technology does is it gets rid of a lot of the simple jobs but it also requires people conceptually to think , to imagine , to articulate , and so the marvelous thing about the future , potentially , is the manager 's job becomes more interesting because more of it either can be done by team members , or can be done by artificial intelligence , or can be done by technology . And so I think that being good at something really is important because if you want to manage others , they have to believe that there 's something about you that they can learn from . So management becomes as much about coaching and training as it is about supervising . But to be a coach or a trainer , you have to know something well , and to know something well , you have to become a master of it . And to become a master , you have to be prepared to put in the hours to learn something and to be coached and to apprentice yourself . One of the things that worries me about our contemporary life is that shows like America 's Got Talent makes you think that everyone can be famous and it doesn 't take much to be talented . WePosted by |
Susan smiled at her grandfather as he stepped out of the newsagent 's shop with a newspaper under one arm and a pocket of his jacket bulging . She linked arms with him as they walked on through the busy East London streets . She still hadn 't quite made up her mind whether it was frightening or fascinating to see those red double Decker buses go by , sometimes singularly , sometimes two or three in a line with different destinations on the front . She had rarely visited the great Capitol on their homeworld , and she was very young then , but what she remembered was a much quieter kind of place . Busy , yes , but not so noisy . If the traffic frightened her , the people of London certainly fascinated her . Because they had become exiles , she never began developing her latent telepathy , but the minds of the humans around her were an exiting buzz in her head . She couldn 't exactly hear their thoughts , but she felt their emotions . Mostly , on this warm Saturday morning in August , they were happy emotions . People were enjoying the freedom of the weekend , shopping , meeting friends , planning their afternoon in the sunshine . Susan didn 't really have any friends . She looked at a group of young women not much older than she was , walking together , looking in the windows of the dress shops before heading for a café to sit drinking coffee . She felt a longing for that kind of relationship with girls of her own age . But she never quite worked out how to be a part of the ' in - crowd ' . She did her best to keep up with the music , the fashions , the gossip of her peers , but she didn 't quite manage to fit in , all the same . Spending time like this with her grandfather was a compensation of a sort . She loved him dearly , and cherished the good days when his mind wasn 't wandering too much and he wasn 't too tired . He wasn 't leaning so heavily on his stick as he walked , and the distance to the closest green space to their unlikely home didn 't seem so arduous as it might . Haggerston Park , maintained by the Borough of Islington , wasn 't an old park . Most of the lawns and flower beds and the paths between them were laid out a little over ten years before over the remains of a tile factory and several streets of houses destroyed in the Blitz . That was a sad reason for its existence , but Susan and her grandfather appreciated that space where a bit more sky was visible over their heads . A blue sky . She remembered the burnt orange sky of her homeworld . It was a much bigger sky than this . They lived on the southern plain where there was little to obstruct it in any direction . They had seen many other skies in the course of their travels , but this blue sky was satisfactory for now . They came to a pleasant spot with fragrant flower beds and lawns . The Doctor sat on a bench . Susan spread a rug on the grass and then slipped off the blouse and wrap around skirt she had worn in the street to reveal a pair of shorts over a bathing costume . Her grandfather looked at her outfit with a slight frown of disapproval , but there were young girls and women all over the park dressed the same way . The Doctor reached into his pocket and gave her a small white paper bag with lemon sherbet sweets in it while he opened another packet and filled a pipe with the fresh tobacco . The fragrance filled the air as Susan sucked a sweet and read a book lying on the towel . The Doctor read the newspaper . The headline and much of the first few pages was concerned with the daring train robbery that had taken place two nights ago . The Doctor read the details and tutted disapprovingly . This planet had so much to commend it . The people had the capacity for greatness . But so often they used that capacity for low , shabby deeds , instead . He felt a little disappointed in some sections of the Human race . He looked from his paper to his granddaughter . The book she was reading was very thick with closely printed text , but she was turning the pages rapidly . " My dear , " he said gently . " Speed reading is all very well when the matter is a technical manual or minutes of a High Council sub - committee . But a novel should be savoured and enjoyed . Besides , we are in a public place . Humans don 't read that fast , remember . " She paused and looked around at her grandfather . " I forgot , " she said . " I did that in class once , last term . But nobody noticed . " " Be sure they don 't , " The Doctor urged her . " We are strangers to this world . We look like humans superficially , but if anyone should suspect . . . I would be afraid of what might come of you if their scientists . . . " " I will be careful , Grandfather , " she promised . " You must not worry . " She closed her book and came to sit beside him . He smiled softly and put his arm around her shoulders . She felt safe that way . She always had . " I worry about you every day , child , " he answered . " Your insistence on living as a Human . . . going to that school , the music you listen to , the clothes . . . Sometimes I think . . . If I had left you behind . . . you would have been looked after , perhaps better than I can . . . You would have the best education . . . and when the time is right . . . despite my reputation , you would be courted by the finest young men of our own kind . . . " The Doctor smiled at his granddaughter and kissed her cheek gently . " You 've done that very well , my dear , " he said . " But now we are settled here on Earth , I can look after you . This weather seems set to continue . Tomorrow , perhaps we should walk a little further , up to the London Fields . You can wear that pretty bathing costume for its proper purpose , swimming in the Lido . " " The bus ! " The Doctor laughed gently . " At home , we were aristocrats . Taking a ' bus ' , indeed ! I would far rather walk than subject myself to the concept of public transport in this city . There is dignity in a brisk walk , at least , not being crushed in like mung - fish in a watering hole . " She went back to her sunbathing and her book after a while . The Doctor smoked another pipe and slowly fell asleep . Susan got up from her towel and gently took the pipe , emptied it and slipped it into his pocket . He was in no danger of setting himself alight and the snooze in the sunshine would do him good . She returned to her book and read it slowly , appreciating it fully as he said she should do . Even though she was the child of a Time Lord and aware of time passing in the very fibre of her body she managed to lose herself in the story and was surprised to find an hour and a half had passed by while she was engrossed in the story . " No , that shouldn 't be there ! " The Doctor woke with a start and spoke suddenly . Susan sat up quickly and stared at him . He grabbed up the newspaper and began rifling through the pages . His soft brown eyes dilated rapidly as he read each column . " What shouldn 't be there ? " Susan asked . She went to his side again . " Grandfather . . . what is it ? What 's the matter ? " " I read it before I slept . . . but I wasn 't thinking . . . this Human news . . . I thought nothing of it at all . None of it is our concern . But . . . . " He folded the paper and stabbed at it with his finger . Susan looked at the article he indicated . It was barely two paragraphs . It was about an artefact on display at the British Museum . " The Mask of Agamemnon was discovered at Mycenae in 1876 by German archaeologist , Heinrich Schliemann , " she read aloud . " Though its authenticity was the subject of several investigations , it is still regarded as one of the treasures of ancient Greece and is usually to be seen in the National Archaeological Museum of Athens . " " The mask has been leant to the British Museum as a gesture of European friendship and co - operation , and can be seen every day up to September 30th in the British Museum 's Duveen Gallery where the famous Elgin Marbles are on permanent display . " " Well , if they want to talk about European friendship and co - operation , they should return the Elgin Marbles to Athens where they were stolen from , " Susan remarked . " But what 's so special about this Mask ? What does it have to do with us ? Human archaeology is fascinating . But . . . " " I know what it says , " The Doctor snapped testily . " And I know the truth . When I was asleep , I saw it . It 's there . . . in the museum . . . under glass so people can 't be pawing at it with their grubby fingers . But it 's there . I felt it calling out to me . . . reaching out . . . to me . . . to my Time Lord blood . . . " " Grandfather . . . " " I am old , I am sometimes unsure in my mind about simple ordinary things like buying milk and . . . and . . . But . . . " He grasped his granddaughter 's hand firmly . " Susan , I know what I 'm talking about this time . I know . . . I know . This . . . this is the Mask of Rassilon . It comes from our world . . . from Gallifrey . " That was enough to convince Susan that this wasn 't just a fanciful dream . The name of their home planet , Gallifrey , was never forgotten by either of them . But they rarely said it aloud . Her grandfather always spoke of ' our world ' or ' our home ' when he spoke of it . That he had uttered the name of Gallifrey in a public place , here on Earth , was proof that there was something in what he was saying . She put her skirt and blouse back on over her bathing costume and put the book and towel into the bag she brought them in . " Come on , then , " she said . " We 'd better go and see . But you know how far away it is . We 'll HAVE to use the underground . " It was things like taking a train from Islington to the City of London that caused The Doctor problems . It wasn 't mere snobbery that kept him from using public transport . He really did have trouble working out how it all worked . It was Susan who sorted out the coins for tickets and checked the route on a map of the Underground , who made sure they were on the right platform and ensured that he didn 't trip getting on and off the trains or on the steep escalators . She was sure there must have been a time when he could manage such things . She knew he had lived in London when he was a young Time Lord , both earlier and later than the 1960s . He often pointed out places that he knew and talked of the changes in the city over the decades . He must have understood about the Underground once . But he was getting old , drawing close to his first regeneration , a traumatic event in the life of a Time Lord . It affected his mind and his body . What would have happened to him if he had gone off in the TARDIS on his own , leaving her with her mother 's family on Gallifrey ? He would be dead by now , surely ? He couldn 't manage for himself . And one day , that was going to be a problem - one day when she found somebody she wanted to spend her life with , when she wanted a home and a life of her own . Those things occupied her thoughts as she sat next to her Grandfather on the mainline train from Cambridge Heath to Liverpool Street , then the Piccadilly line to Holborn and back up into the London air again . She loved her grandfather . He was her closest living relative . She couldn 't imagine not being with him . And she knew he couldn 't possibly manage without her . Which meant she had to stay and care for him , for decades , perhaps , at least until his first regeneration . After that , he should have a younger body and a more settled mind , and he might not need her quite so desperately . Then , perhaps , she could think about her own future . It wasn 't an easy prospect . Especially living as she was now , as a Human girl of fifteen , going on sixteen . Girls of her age or a little older were finishing their education and getting jobs , meeting young men . They looked forward to living independently of their parents in a few years , not decades . " Susan , my dear , " The Doctor said as they walked across Bloomsbury Square Gardens towards Great Russell Square . " If the burden becomes too much for you , I will never hold you back . " " Grandfather . . . " He didn 't answer her . His mind had turned from the subject . He often did that . Anything could distract him . She knew he would come back to it again . Later today , tomorrow , or perhaps in the middle of next week , he would return to the question of her future as if they were still walking across the Gardens having the same conversation . But for now it was forgotten as he looked at the grand edifice of the British Museum . Susan couldn 't remember the Great Library , but she knew a lot of the buildings in the Capitol were of a similar architectural style to the ' classical ' style of London 's most impressive buildings . Quite why Gallifrey , two hundred and fifty million light years away , should have similar architecture to Earth , she didn 't know . But she liked the fact that it did . It was a comforting , familiar thing about this planet so far from her home . The British Museum had a lot to offer the visitor , of course . It housed treasures from all over the world . Susan had been here once before on a school trip and had enjoyed what she saw on the afternoon tour . She would have enjoyed walking around it at her leisure without her chattering classmates as a distraction . But The Doctor was anxious to find the Duveen Gallery . He asked directions in a rather peremptory and impatient tone from one of the staff and headed directly there . The Duveen Gallery housed those famous Elgin Marbles , as well as other treasures from Greece . But , again , The Doctor was single - minded in his mission . He went directly to the glass case where the Mask of Agamemnon was displayed . He stared at it for a long time , then he put his hand directly over the gold mask , not quite touching the glass . " I was right , " he said in a hoarse whisper . " This is the Mask of Rassilon . Susan . . . put your hand here , next to mine . Feel it . That gold comes from the soil of Gallifrey . Can 't you feel it ? " Susan did as he said , but she couldn 't feel anything . She shook her head . " I don 't feel anything , " she told him . " Maybe . . . I don 't know . How can it be the Mask of Rassilon ? It was found in an ancient Greek tomb nearly a hundred years ago . " " It is said that there was a group of students once . . . old Prydonians , to their shame . . . who came to Earth and pretended to be gods . . . Greek gods . Before they were tracked down and punished for manipulating a primitive culture they had established a whole religion and culture . . . the Greek Alphabet is based on Gallifreyan text . Look . . . there 's an example on that vase over there . Of course , the words are meaningless to us , but the letters used to form the words are High Gallifreyan . " Susan looked . And yes , she did recognise the letters on the vase . ? SFO ? . They were in the first alphabet she ever learnt , sitting on her grandfather 's knee and reading from a book made of Gallifreyan parchment . But that didn 't prove anything , either , except perhaps why ' classical ' architecture was common to these two worlds . " No , " The Doctor replied . " They couldn 't have done that . The Mask was lost much earlier that that . It was the funerary mask of Rassilon itself . It was made to cover his face as he lay in State . " " And it was stolen millions of years ago , " The Doctor added . " The Mask was imbued with his intellect , his power . And anyone who wore it would have that power - or a portion of it , at least , to use as they wished - for good or evil . " " Even if that were true , Grandfather , I still don 't see how this could be it . I mean . . . " She looked at the curious gold mask with eyes that were at the same time wide open and with closed lids . It was a stylised face of an old man with a moustache and beard . If she ever imagined how the Creator of her Time Lord race looked , it would probably be an old man with a beard . But there was no clue in this mask to tell her this was the face of the greatest Time Lord of all . She couldn 't be sure . " I told you , " he reminded her . " When I was asleep . . . I saw it right here . . . in this room . . . and it called to me . It told me it was here . It bid me come to it in the name of Rassilon . " He reached out his hands again . This time he touched the glass directly above the mask . Then he screamed . Susan yelped with shock as she saw his face twisted in terror . He seemed unable to take his hands away from the glass . She pulled at his arm desperately as gallery visitors stared and a security guard approached warily . He let go and stopped screaming . Instead he was sobbing and gasping for breath and speaking random words , not in English , but High Gallifreyan . " Grandfather , come on , " Susan begged him , holding back her own tears of panic and fear . " Come on , let 's go outside . " The security guard was pushing past onlookers to reach them . She was desperate to get her grandfather out of the Duveen Room and out of the museum . " May I help ? " asked a young man in a neatly pressed white shirt . He had a badge proclaiming him to be an assistant curator named Anthony Giles . " Come this way , " Mr Giles said . He guided them towards a door marked ' Staff only ' . It was quieter in the corridor beyond and there was a lift to the ground floor . Mr Giles made sure they got safely through the busy foyer and out to the wide paved apron in front of the grand building . There were benches there beside a lawn . Susan took her grandfather to sit down . He was a little calmer now , but still murmuring random words . " The mask . . . so much power , " he said , still in High Gallifreyan . " Nobody must wear the mask . Nobody can have that power . . . . " " You 're not Jewish , are you ? " Mr Giles asked . " I beg your pardon ? " Susan was surprised by the question . " I wondered . . . because he 's speaking in a foreign language . Sometimes people come to the Museum who had a bad time in the war . They imagine that the exhibits are their valuables , stolen by the Nazis . . . . I wondered if your grandfather was . . . . " " No , it 's nothing like that , " Susan assured the curator . " It 's such a warm day , and he 's had too much sun . I should get him home . " Ordinarily , she would have refused the offer . But she didn 't have enough money in her purse for a taxi and she really felt desperate . She nodded and managed to say thank you . Mr Giles went out onto Great Russell Street and hailed a black cab . He helped Susan to get her grandfather safely into the back seat and gave the driver money for the fare . He watched the taxi turn into the traffic and then walked back into the British Museum again . As he was crossing the foyer his superior , Mr Ward , stopped him . " Where did they go ? The people you put in the cab ? What address ? " " You 'll never amount to anything in this job if you don 't learn to pay attention , " Mr Ward told him coldly . Mr Giles didn 't reply . He couldn 't imagine why the senior curator wanted to know the address of two people who had simply visited the museum and had a distressing incident there . It wasn 't worth making a fuss about . He went on with his work and put the whole thing out of his mind . Mr Ward didn 't . He returned to the Duveen Room and stared at the Mask of Agamemnon for a long time . He had many other duties in the huge Museum with so many other galleries , but he stayed close to the collection of Greek artefacts throughout the rest of the afternoon . He watched the visitors to see if the old man and the girl should return , or if anyone else might take an unusual interest in the Mask . Susan had the taxi drop them outside the wooden gate with the words ' I M Foreman , Scrap Merchant painted on it . She waited until it was gone before she pushed the gate open . Her grandfather leaned heavily on her until they reached the safety of the TARDIS . Inside the cool console room he gave a deep sigh and sat down on his favourite chair . She went to make him a cup of tea . By the time she returned , though , he had fallen asleep . She checked to make sure he WAS just asleep , then drank the tea herself . She sat quietly , lulled by the faint vibration that the TARDIS had even though it had been stationery here in the junk yard for over a year , now . She was startled when , a little more than an hour later , The Doctor woke from his nap and seemed completely lucid , even if he was still peculiarly obsessed with the artefact in the museum . " The mask must not be worn , " he said . " If any Human were to wear it the consequences would be unthinkable . " " No Human is going to wear it , " Susan told him . " It 's in a museum , in a locked case . that 's where it 's going to stay . And it will be going back to Athens in a month 's time , anyway . " " You 're right , my dear , " The Doctor agreed . " All the same , it 's something of a shock to find it here . I never expected . . . . It 's quite an honour , in a way . I am the first Time Lord to set eyes on the mask for so many millennia . You , too , Susan . You have been in the presence of a relic of our Creator . That is a great thing . " " It just looked like an old mask , to me . I couldn 't feel anything . I think I 've been away from Gallifrey too long . I hardly know it . " " We 've both been away too long , " The Doctor sighed . " I wish , sometimes . . . . " Then he smiled warmly . " I spoiled your afternoon . I 'm sorry for that . Let me make it up to you . Would you like tea at the ABC Restaurant and then a film at the cinema ? " " That would be nice , grandfather , " Susan answered . " As long as you feel well enough , now . " The museum was closed , now . The cleaners and night watchmen were at their work . But none of them would challenge a senior curator who used his master key to open a display case . Ward lifted the mask from the velvet pad it rested on and placed it against his face . There were no fastenings of any sort , but as he placed the ancient gold next to his skin , he felt as if it had moulded itself to his own features and would remain there until he chose to remove it . He felt the mask as a second mind within his own brain , guiding him , strengthening his will , giving him some of its phenomenal power . " The old man and the girl who were here this afternoon , " he whispered . " They know what you are . " Susan enjoyed the evening out . So did her grandfather in his own way . The tea at the ABC restaurant was pleasant . The film , Cleopatra , in technicolour , didn 't really impress him , but he took a vicarious pleasure in pointing out the historical inaccuracies in a loud whisper . Susan thought it amusing when the ushers came down the aisle trying to locate the person disrupting the film that way and his voice seemed to come from a different part of the cinema altogether . He chuckled mischievously at their confusion . Afterwards as they walked home , he told Susan his own story of a visit to the Roman era . Occasionally , when his mind was clear and he was in a good mood , he would do that . She loved to hear of his exploits as an adventurous young Time Lord with a TARDIS that worked much better than it did now and which could take him anywhere he wanted to go . " Yes , indeed , " he said . Then Susan felt him grip her hand firmly . He raised his walking stick at the shadows . " Who are you ? What are you doing here ? " " My master wants you , " he said in a curious monotone quite unlike his kind voice when he had helped them this afternoon . As he stepped fully out of the shadow into the pool of light from a street lamp , Susan saw his eyes , fixed and staring , gripped by an hypnotic compulsion . She started to scream , but a hand clamped over her mouth from behind . There was a damp cloth and a clinical smell that assailed her senses . As she struggled not to pass out , she saw Mr Giles do the same to her grandfather , despite him getting in several whacks with his stick . She felt herself bundled into the back of a car along with her grandfather . The drug hadn 't quite completely knocked her out . She was insensible enough not to be able to scream , or to struggle , but she was aware of the movement of the car . She was aware of the brightness of street lamps and traffic lights . Then the car stopped in a dark place , an alley , she thought as she was dragged out . She felt as if there was air above her . Then she was in a darker place . There was a torch reflecting off walls , a different kind of movement , smooth and slow , steep downward movement . Then they were in a small , enclosed space . She felt walls and floor and ceiling all nearby . There was a noise , a rushing , booming noise that came and went with a Doppler effect . The room vibrated . It was quiet . Their captor was gone . She forced herself to wake up fully . It was a struggle , but the fuzziness left her mind and she moved her limbs . She opened her eyes wide . The room was dark , but not pitch dark . There was a faint light coming under the ill - fitting door . It was enough for her Gallifreyan eyes to process . She could see that she was in some kind of old storeroom . She could smell the dust of neglect . She could also see her grandfather slumped on the hard floor , and somebody else , too - Mr Giles , the assistant curator , who had helped kidnap them . He was a prisoner , too . He was sitting with his back straight against the wall and his legs outstretched . His eyes were wide open but unseeing . " G " Yes , yes . I 'm awake , child . Don 't fuss , " he replied . And , indeed , he was wide awake at once . His eyes were wide . He struggled to his feet with her help . He didn 't have his walking stick . It must have been lost in the struggle . Susan looked around and found length of metal pole about the right size . He clung to it for a few moments as if he needed it to hold him up , then he grasped it in a different way and wielded it at Mr Giles . " Grandfather , no ! " Susan exclaimed , holding his arm . " I don 't think he was responsible . Look , he 's locked in here , too . And he 's not right . I think he 's been hypnotised or something . " There was another loud noise and the light under the door increased briefly . It was long enough to clearly see the blank expression in the curator 's eyes . " The mask did this , " The Doctor said , kneeling in front of the stricken man and pressing his hands against his face . " Somebody is wearing it . They have Rassilon 's power . But it 's a cold - hearted Human who only wants the power for his own ends . The fool . Doesn 't he know it will burn out his mind . A Human could never survive with that much in his head . He will lose himself and become nothing but a creature of blind ambition . " While he was speaking , he reached into his pocket and found his old fob watch . He held it by the chain and swung it gently back and forwards in front of the assistant curator 's face . Susan wasn 't at all surprised when it broke the trance and the young man shook his head and blinked rapidly . " Where am I ? " he asked . " How did I get here ? " " What do you remember ? " The Doctor asked with a surprisingly kind tone in his voice for somebody who had collaborated in their capture . " Don 't force it , just let your mind sort the memories out for themselves . " I was in the Museum . I heard a noise in the Duveen Room . . . I went to look . It was Mr Ward , the chief curator . He was wearing the Mask of Agamemnon . The Mask was moulded to his head and he was talking to something or somebody , even though there was nobody there . Then he saw me . His eyes . . . I mean . . . the eyes of the mask . . . they glowed and . . . . " That was all he could remember . But it was enough . Two questions were answered . Who did this , and why . Another loud noise and a light under the door disturbed them . Mr Giles looked around in surprise . " We 're in the Underground ? " he said . " That was a train going by . " The Doctor looked at the wooden door then carefully searched around the dusty old storeroom until he found a piece of wire . Mr Giles was surprised he was able to pick the lock with it . Susan wasn 't . She wasn 't sure WHY her grandfather knew how to do such a thing , but it was one of his many talents when his mind was clear . It seemed clear now , and his body was less frail than it so often was . " The Mask of Rassilon is close by , " he said as he worked . " I can feel its power . . . and my body can draw strength from it . " " What old station ? " The Doctor asked . " Oh ! " Susan exclaimed . " The old British Museum station . It was closed down ages ago , but its all still here . " They were standing on a platform . The sign identifying the station was dusty but still readable . Around the walls were old time tables and an out of date underground map that still listed " British Museum " as one of the stops and an advert for Oxo . There was also a chocolate vending machine that actually still had some bars in it . Susan looked at it and decided she would have to be VERY hungry before she risked eating one of them . A train rumbled by . They all turned and looked at the brightly lit windows that flashed by . The people inside didn 't notice them standing there on the platform . When it was gone , they became aware of another source of light . They all turned towards the escalator . The ' up ' stairway was switched off , but the ' down ' was moving slowly and there was somebody riding it - Mr Ward , wearing the Mask of Rassilon . The mask was glowing like a small golden sun . " That does not belong to you ! " The Doctor shouted , drawing himself up tall and proudly and confronting him . " It does not belong to any member of the Human race . Take it off before it kills you , you foolish man . " " I will kill YOU , " Ward answered in a voice that had a strange resonance as if two voices , one Human , one not , spoke together . He lunged towards The Doctor . Susan screamed , but her Grandfather was not so helpless as he appeared . He moved agilely out of the way and turned to defend himself . Ward turned and raised his hand . Something like a ball of lightning flew from his hand , but The Doctor raised his own hand and the ball halted in mid air . The two men were using the force of their minds to push it away . There was an impasse for several minutes , then very slowly the ball began to push back towards Ward . He redoubled his effort and it edged back towards The Doctor . His face showed the strain of such intense concentration . His teeth were set together . His eyes were wide . The muscles in his cheeks twitched and sweat poured down from his brow . But he stood his ground . The fireball was once again heading towards Ward , and the longer it took , the harder it was for him to resist . Susan watched in silence . She felt Mr Giles grasping her shoulder , holding her back . The assistant curator didn 't know what was happening . He didn 't understand why a frail old man was able to stand up to such supernatural power as Mr Ward apparently had . But he knew this strange duel had to reach its conclusion one way or another . Susan understood it a little better . Yes , the presence of the Mask , made from gold ore mined from the rocks of Gallifrey was giving him strength and vigour he didn 't have ordinarily . It also lent to him the mental strength to fight the combined forces of Mr Ward and the Mask 's intelligence . And because he was a living , breathing Time Lord , not a Human or the trapped essence of a long dead Time Lord , even Rassilon himself , he was strongest . The lightning ball touched Ward 's hand . Then he screamed as it expanded and enveloped him . At the same time , The Doctor stepped forward and grabbed at the mask . He pulled at it and it came away partially . But Ward still had some strength left . Perhaps it was ordinary Human strength now . The Mask wasn 't glowing , and Ward 's voice , though hysterical and almost incoherent , was singular again . Then Susan DID scream , her voice echoing off the walls . Ward fell back . The Doctor fell forward , carried by his momentum . Both dropped from the platform to the line below , just as the rumbling sound heralded the approach of another train . Mr Giles held her even more tightly and stopped her running to the edge until the roar and the flickering light from the passing carriages was gone . When it was , she broke free of him . " Grandfather ! " she cried out with relief . The Doctor was standing against the edge of the far platform , on the down line . The train had passed on the up line . He was holding the mask in his hand . Ward 's body was at his feet . He lifted him over his shoulder and ran across the lines . He passed the body up onto the platform before he let Mr Giles help him up . " He wasn 't hit by the train , " The Doctor said . " The shock of me removing the mask caused a brainstorm . When a Human pathologist examines him , it will look like an unexpected aneurism . " " Grandfather . . . what about you ? " Susan asked . " I 'm quite all right , " he answered . " I 'm made of stronger stuff than that . Giles , let 's get Ward back to his office in the Museum . He 'll be found in the morning as if he died of natural causes . No awkward questions need be asked . " Mr Giles nodded and lifted the body . He led the way , not up the escalator to the disused station entrance , but through a door near the tunnel opening . Inside was a narrow passageway that they followed for some time . Then they came to a service lift with a gate that pulled back and a very functional interior . It ascended slowly , and for much longer than Susan expected . When she said so , Mr Giles nodded . They emerged in the administration section of the museum , where the public rarely went . It was relatively easy to get Mr Ward into his office as The Doctor suggested . " What about the Mask of Rassilon ? " Susan asked . The Doctor was still holding it carefully . " You mean the Mask of Agamemnon ? " Mr Giles questioned . " I think you know very well by now it is nothing of the sort , " The Doctor told him . He lifted the mask and placed it near his own face briefly and then pulled it away quickly . " There 's still a lot of power in it . Power that a wise man could use for good , but a foolish man could use to cause terrible disaster . " " Wise enough to know I 'm not ready for such power , " he replied . " Let 's put it back under glass where it can 't be interfered with . It 'll go back to Athens soon enough , and remain there . " They went to the Duveen Room . The Doctor laid the Mask of Rassilon back on the velvet pad and Mr Giles locked the cabinet . Then he walked with The Doctor and Susan to the taxi rank on Great Russell Square . He said goodbye to them and wished them well . Susan replied on behalf of her grandfather , wishing him the same . The Doctor was quiet on the journey home . Susan looked at him and knew the invigorating effects of the Mask were wearing off . Soon he would be frail and forgetful again , a worry and a burden to her , but one she carried gladly out of deep , unconditional love . " If you 'd kept the mask . . . " she said to him when they were safely back in the TARDIS . " It would have given you strength , mental as well as physical . You wouldn 't be so tired . " " I wouldn 't be me , either , " The Doctor replied . " I would be half me , half the essence of Rassilon in corporeal form . I 'd be powerful enough to rule this fragile world of Human beings . I think I could rule it well . I think Rassilon fused with me would be a kindly god . But I never aspired to such heights . To be a Time Lord is enough . To be a Time Lord with a granddaughter who loves me is all I need to be . " He nodded slowly and smiled softly at her . That affirmation had taken the last of that borrowed strength . When he spoke again his voice was slower and vaguer , but his words weren 't . " Come along , my dear child . It 's been a long day . If you want to swim tomorrow we should both get some sleep , now . " |
Text Widget This is a text widget , which allows you to add text or HTML to your sidebar . You can use them to display text , links , images , HTML , or a combination of these . Edit them in the Widget section of the Customizer . A little about me So , I 'm not sure how to begin this post , exactly . I have never been much on introductions as I have never been good at the small talk thing , and the whole " So , what do you do ? " question makes me exceptionally uncomfortable as I have never been quite sure how to answer it . Like , why do we have to base our entire identity on our occupation ? I mean , I kind of get it : there are a lot of people who have worked very hard to get where they are and they are very proud to share their life 's work with anyone who will listen . But I 'm not all about that . Because we are so much more than what we do to earn an income . Or how we like to spend our time . For me , my identity is who God says I am . How do I define that ? Well , let 's look at some things . I am a woman . I am a mother to three beautiful children . I am a wife to an amazing fella . Okay , many people can say these things . So , what makes me unique ? Well , I play the guitar at my church . Two of my three children are on the Autism spectrum . I enjoy ( sometimes too much ) playing video games on my Xbox . I am also a survivor of sexual assault . Twice . I still struggle with same - sex attraction . I deal with depression and anxiety on a regular basis . I sometimes take a super long time to say what I need to say - especially if it is something that is about my emotions . Which I am not very in touch with , by the way . I am still learning to feel , even though it has been almost 10 years since my last flashback or panic attack . I still have nightmares . Focusing on my kids and their quirks and struggles has helped distract me from my own . Sometimes I am not sure that has been an entirely good thing . But I believe God is good . I believe He has a plan so much bigger than my struggles . I believe He has placed me where I am with a purpose greater than my weakness . So that is why I am here . To let you in on a little bit of my journey . A very dear friend of mine once told me , " Our struggles are not for us . They are for us to share with others . They make us relatable , and our stories meld into God 's story and it 's how we can communicate with the world . " I wholeheartedly agree ! So , I am here to share my story , and maybe begin a conversation . I have always tried to be as open and honest as possible , and I pray I will continue to be that way . Let 's Talk About This When people talk about sins , there 's always varying degrees of the severity of the sin . Like murder or theft are worse than lying or disobeying your parents . Anything to do with sex is automatically terrible and taboo and we don 't talk about it . The world is too broken , so confused about what is up and down , right and wrong . We , as the church , have the instruction manual on how to navigate the craziness and we refuse to have real conversations about life and death and what God has for His children . We feel so backward and scared about what people will do or say or think that we don 't even bother to care what God thinks . We don 't even consider that His cost is higher than anything the world would ask of us , and His cost is so much more worth it ! His burden is so easy and His yoke is so light . But we forget our responsibility to His kingdom , the call on our lives , the demand the cross makes of us . We forget the cost He paid to get us back , to bring us out of the pit . And so we walk around with our label makers , slapping every single person in our path with what we can see on the outside , what we esteem them as , while we sit on our high pedestal of " better than you 's " and " at least I 'm not like her " self sufficiency . We cannot even fathom how much we have destroyed our own trustworthiness and validity by attempting to decide who is " worthy " of Christ . No one is ! ! Who the hell are we to think that we get to decide who can fall at the feet of the Savior ? I used to think I was somehow the worst Christian ever because I was still attracted to women . I couldn 't help it . I tried not to be , I am married to a man I adore and even have children with him . But I still had the desires and attraction to other women . Then one day my pastor shared a video of a pastor , a pastor , sharing his same struggle . He explained that , same - sex attraction was just like any other sinful desire . We cannot control the desires but we can fight them . We can choose not to partake . We can overcome . That was the moment that I knew I needed to admit my struggle and begin to fight against it . And I also began to realize that I had a unique opportunity to help other people who struggle with the same desires , to fight against them . I have a powerful story , but only because Christ has made it so . The Church is full of redeemed sinners , just people , all with struggles and hangups , striving to honor Christ . At least that is what it is supposed to be . There are many churches that are anything but . They don 't talk about the sin , the struggles , they just talk about the love of God , the great plans He has to prosper you and make life happy . But Christ , Himself , told us we would have struggles , and being imperfect people , we are gonna screw things up at least a couple of times a minute . The awesome thing about admitting that you have struggles is that you are free from judgment . Not judgement from other people , necessarily , but freedom from casting judgement on others . You are free to look at another person with love and compassion in your heart because , you know , they are just as broken as you are . That is the power of Christ 's grace and forgiveness . When we can accept it for ourselves , we can 't help but share it with others . I don 't know where you are as you read this . You may have deep hurts that you aren 't ready to let go of . You may have been struggling with your particular struggle for so long , you can 't possibly imagine being free from it . Maybe you know you are living in a manner opposite of what God has called you to , but you just don 't know how to get out of it , and worse , you don 't know how to own up to it without fear of rejection and ridicule . The Bible gives us an account in John , chapter 8 verses 1 through 11 , of a woman . We don 't know much about her , other than that she was caught in the act of adultery . She was brought to the temple courts where Jesus was teaching , by Pharisees , who wished to test Jesus . We don 't know if this was something she did often or if it was a one time occurrence . I think it must have been a recurring sin for her , how else did the Pharisees catch her in the act ? There is no indication that she wished for forgiveness . I am sure she fully expected to be stoned to death , as the law required . But Jesus knew the hearts of the Pharisees , and He passed judgement like only He could . The Bible says they left , one by one , the older ones leaving first , until they were all gone and it was just her and Jesus . He asked her where her accusers had gone , if anyone had condemned her . She answered that there was no one . Any one of us could stand in her place . Each and every sin is worthy of death and each and every one of us has sinned . But our story doesn 't end with accusation and condemnation , it ends with forgiveness and a command . We don 't know what happened to the woman , if she did indeed leave her life of sin . But we do know what our lives look like . We know our deepest struggle and we try to put on our best face , even though it hurts like hell . We also have a choice . We can choose to keep walking in the direction we are , and keep falling into the sinkholes along the way . Or we can choose to turn around and walk with Jesus . Walk with those who know our struggles and still love us because they know the love of Jesus and have to share it . I invite you to walk with me . Let 's have a conversation , and keep having it . Let 's talk about the things we struggle with that no one wants to talk about , without fear . You are loved and welcome . And you don 't have to walk alone . My Story : Part Two The following is a part of my story . While I try to be truthful without being explicit , there are things in my story which cannot , and should not , be altered for a softer read . Please feel free to comment with your own story or ask any questions you may have . Let 's start a conversation . After I graduated high school , I was desperate for things to start getting better . But the thing this angry teenager learned is , things don 't just magically fix themselves when you become an adult - especially when you don 't do anything to improve them . Rapidly growing into an angry young adult , I began to try pretty much anything that wasn 't God to try and heal . Like most baby adults , I made many poor choices . I started smoking , which actually did help with my anxiety , though never for very long . I stopped going to church . I did many really , really reckless things while driving , often risking others lives as well as my own - usually without care or concern . Against my mom 's advice to enroll in a trade school , I decided to apply to a four - year college . Because my ACT scores were good , I had the option to live in the " Honors Dorm " as they called it . It required me to take a certain amount of honors level classes each semester , and there were slightly stricter conduct rules than the rest of the dorms . Keep in mind , I had never taken an honors class in my life and , very honestly , I was in no place emotionally to deal with living in a co - ed dorm . I didn 't last the first week of school . I got myself kicked out and barely completed the rest of the semester . I didn 't even go to one of my finals . So , as per the rule of my dad 's house - you either go to school or you get a job - I went out and got a job . By June of 2003 , I had gotten myself two , part - time , jobs : one at a donut shop and the other at a wing restaurant . It felt good to work . I have always enjoyed serving people and I am a fairly quick learner when I can be hands - on ( Mom was , of course , right ) . My boss at the wing place really liked my work ethic and as the majority of his employees were high school kids , he was really interested in making me a manager . I was finally starting to get the hang of working both jobs , and the money was really good , but the promotion required that I quit my other job . I think it took me about a day to decide to take the position . I had dated one of the dough cutters , who was about twenty years older than me , and it hadn 't ended well . Plus , my boss at the donut shop was kind of a jerk , so I was ready for a less toxic environment . Over the next few months , things seemed to be getting better . I was loving my new job , and I had begun coming to terms with the traumas I had experienced and uncovered . My parents began going to a new church and asked if I would go with them one Sunday . I had gotten to a point where I wasn 't as angry with God anymore , so I agreed . From the first Sunday , I was hooked . You see , they had a choir , and not just a choir , a good choir . It must have been around September or October , because they announced that Sunday that they were going to be beginning rehearsals for their Christmas program . I hadn 't been in a choir since high school and I was so excited to be able to be a part of one again . This church also had a college ministry . I wasn 't in college , but I was college - age , so it worked for me . I began to slowly work my way back into the realm of Christianity , the Bible and believing in a God I wasn 't sure I was ready to trust again . I also was pretty convinced I was in no condition to be loved by Him . Trepidatiously , I began going to small groups , meeting with a few of the leadership girls one - on - one , and going back to counseling ; trying to figure out what the condition of my emotional , mental and , most importantly , spiritual health was . In the midst of all of this , I began to wrestle with the fact of where my sexual attraction was . To my counselor , the facts were simple : I had been abused by men , from an early age , so it made sense that I would be attracted to women . But that , frustratingly , didn 't align with the truth I knew in the Bible . Nevertheless , I decided I would quietly pursue a homosexual lifestyle . Not that I had a clue what that meant or how I would even go about finding someone to date . I only told my brother and a few of my coworkers . As far as anyone knew at church , I was just wrestling and trying to work through these desires and feelings . It was around this time that we hired a new guy at work . He was older than our typical employee , probably in his late thirties , early forties . I knew from the first time I met him , he was going to cause me a lot of grief . Every time I worked with him , he seemed to be trying to flirt with me . He would make little comments here and there , nothing you don 't hear in a restaurant kitchen , though . Really , at first , it didn 't bother me as I had no interest in him and I figured he was just testing the waters since he was new . But as the weeks wore on , I could tell he was really trying to let me know , he was interested . One night , as I was counting down the register for the night , he asked if I wanted to go to a club for some drinks with him . First , I told him I wasn 't old enough to go to a club . He responded that he knew the guy that owned it and he could get me in . I then told him I didn 't like clubs as they were too noisy and I didn 't enjoy dancing . So , he just straight up asked me over to his place . I finally just told him that I didn 't date men and I wasn 't interested in hanging out with him at his place . He seemed to take it in stride and left , but I would later find out , he wasn 't very good at taking no for an answer . My shift on June 5th , 2004 had started out pretty well . I was working the closing shift and we had a good crew that night , so I was ready for a good night . I had worked with " Mr . Pushy " a couple of times since our conversation and he had seemed to be good with where things stood , keeping things mostly work related . This night was different . About half way through the shift , as I was getting ready to drop some wings into the fryer , and he whispered in my ear . " I know you want this big snake of mine . " He was directly behind me , so all I could do was drop the chicken into the fryer and start the timer . I stepped to the side and walked to the front where the cashier was . I told her what he had said to me and she asked if I wanted her to stay until close so I could send him home . The cashiers usually left a couple of hours before the rest of the crew as the night usually slowed down by then . I told her no , I could handle it and I walked out back to smoke a cigarette and gather my thoughts . I was the manager that night , so it was my call on who to send home . I decided I would just have a talk with him and see if he would agree to straighten up or be sent home . So , the three of us had a chat and he apologized and agreed to be cool the rest of the night . When ten o ' clock came around , I sent the cashier home and the night continued to go smoothly . When it came time to lock up , everyone had gone to their cars and I did my final walkthrough . By the time I walked out the back door , everyone had already left . Except " Mr . Pushy " . He was sitting in his car with the windows down , drinking a large can of Budwiser . I locked the door and walked over to his car . I urged him to go ahead and leave , as I was responsible for making sure everyone at least left the premises before I could leave . He asked if I would join him in his car . I told him I would not and that we both really needed to head out . I walked to my truck , got in and lit a cigarette , rolling the windows down . I sat there waiting for him to leave , thumbing through my cd collection , looking for some music to calm me down on my way home . I hadn 't heard him get out of his car , so the next thing I knew he was leaning into my truck , kissing me on the mouth and trying to shove his hand down my pants . As I pulled away as best I could he just chuckled and walked around to the other side of my truck . As he got in , I began hyperventilating , remembering my experience in high school . I couldn 't speak , fight back , I could barely breathe as he pulled me over to the passenger seat and raped me . When he finished , he just chuckled again and got out and drove away . I was screaming in my head , but the rest of me was numb . I dressed myself and tried to drive myself home . But I couldn 't see through the tears . I called the cashier who had been working that night and told her what happened . She and her boyfriend came and picked me up and I spent the night - not sleeping - at her parent 's house . I got up the next day and went to my appointment with my counselor . At first I wasn 't sure if I could tell her what had happened . But I managed to get it out and she insisted I report it to the police . We had talked about how I hadn 't been able to tell anyone what happened to me when I was a ten year old , and nothing was done about the incident in high school . This was my chance to not only say something , but to have something be done about it ! So , I agreed to tell the police . An officer came to her office and I told him what happened . He kept asking me if I had said , no to Mr . Pushy and I kept telling him that I couldn 't say anything . Finally , when I had finished telling him what happened , he said he wasn 't sure if they would be able to press charges because I hadn 't outright refused . I was still so numb and defeated , I don 't know that I even really understood what he was saying at the time . We went to the hospital so I could have a rape kit done and I had to go over the whole story again . I was exhausted by this point . My friend , the cashier , had met me at the counselor 's office to drive me to the hospital and back to her house when they were done . When we got back to her place I fell asleep , finally . I woke up to it being dark and my parents were there . I don 't remember them saying much and I just went back to sleep as they drove me home . After a few days passed , I tried to go back to work , but I couldn 't handle it . I decided to quit and for a couple of months I just didn 't work . I spent a lot of time sleeping and on the computer . They had been unable to press charges , and I just felt totally defeated . I was depressed , angry , and exhausted . Continuing to attend church and see my counselor was the only thing that kept me going , I think . I definitely had thoughts of suicide , but I knew that God had something more for me than that . I wasn 't angry at Him this time ; I honestly felt that He had allowed this to happen to me to wake me up and turn me away from the sin of homosexuality . So , I decided I would no longer try and explore those desires . It was very hard to walk away from though . I had felt that the only people I could really talk to about everything was the women in the lesbian chat room I had been a part of . My dad found out about the chat room and was super livid . He canceled my email account and forbid me from talking to them again . I felt lost . Out of place . But I knew he was right in his own way . I hated him for it , but I knew he was right . He also decided that after a few months of not working , it was time to get another job . No freeloaders in his house . I think he also felt I needed a reason to get out of the house instead of sleeping and ruminating in my room all day . I 'm not sure he knew how to say that , of course , so I just felt he was being mean . So , I went out and looked for another job . They were building a new Walmart , so I got on as part of a small crew that stayed behind in the old building and broke down the old store . We got to goof off a lot and had a lot of fun . It was the perfect job to kind of get me back into a routine , and it was a completely different environment than working in a restaurant . My Story : Part One The following is a part of my story . While I try to be truthful without being explicit , there are things in my story which cannot , and should not , be altered for a softer read . Please feel free to comment with your own story or ask any questions you may have . Let 's start a conversation . High school . Senior year . Some say high school was the best years of their life . I never aspired to that , as I knew adulthood would be much better . Had to be . The previous three years hadn 't been terribly special . I didn 't expect my senior year to be much different . Well , it was quite different . We started off with a new schedule : block scheduling . Four classes a day for two semesters - each semester with completely different classes . I liked it because most teachers didn 't want to lecture for the whole hour and a half , so we got time to work on homework . I spent a lot of time writing that year , as I either finished my homework quickly or simply didn 't do it . I wasn 't playing volleyball or basketball anymore because I had injured my left foot over the summer and couldn 't run on it yet . Some days I wonder if things would have been better if I had been able to play … Then the attacks on September , 11th happened . Everyone was an emotional mess for several weeks afterward . I don 't know how many in the school were truly impacted , but we readjusted as things settled down . A few of the guys and girls in my class were talking about joining the military after graduation ; we wondered if President Bush would reinstate the draft . By the time December arrived , I had gotten into my groove and was looking forward to all the activity the month had coming . My eighteenth birthday was going to fall on Homecoming and my friends from church had a surprise planned . Then , the choir and drama classes were putting on A Christmas Carol . This was going to be the biggest production I had been a part of , and I had a lot of roles , both on and offstage . They were all small , but that 's what I liked , so it worked . I was preparing for the play , painting a mask for one of my costumes . There had been a group of us , and technically , I was supposed to be at lunch with the rest of them . I had decided to work through lunch - I really couldn 't tell you why . Maybe I was just that into making it perfect , who knows ? So , I 'm sitting in the hallway in front of the choir room . The choir room was at the end of a hallway which also had the upstairs bathrooms and the civics and biology classroom on it . Our canvas was situated pretty much in front of the bathrooms , too , so anyone going to use them had to walk right by . I 'm sitting on the floor , minding my own business , working on my mask . One of the eighth grade boys walked by and headed into the restroom . When he came back out , he just stood there leaning against the wall . At first , I didn 't even notice he was still there , but then I looked up at him . He had unzipped his pants and was holding his penis , smirking at me . He probably said something to me , but my ears had started ringing and I couldn 't move or speak . He walked over to me and pushed himself on my cheek and tried to move toward my mouth . I was able to lean away from him , but I couldn 't make myself get up or speak or scream . He kept trying and I could tell he was talking to me , but I didn 't hear him . I began to feel numb and my mind was screaming , " Get away ! ! " but I couldn 't do anything . Thankfully , someone began to come down the hallway and he darted back into the restroom , then returned to class . The teacher of the class he was supposed to be in came and stood at the end of the hall with him a bit later and asked if I had needed his help . All I could do was shake my head . I wanted to scream , to jump up and run to her and tell her what had happened . But I was still numb , and all I could do was shake my head . I went the rest of the day on autopilot , barely speaking to anyone . I was just ready to get away from that place . After my last class , I practically ran to my truck . But as I got there , he was already there . " What the hell ? ! " I thought . I thought about going back inside , but I was just ready to get out of there , so I got into the driver 's side and prayed I had remembered to lock both doors . I hadn 't . He got into the passenger side and started talking and unzipping his pants . I began to hyperventilate as he grabbed my letterman jacket and covered himself . He grabbed my hand and all I could do was lean forward onto the steering wheel as he held my had on his penis . Just as I thought I was going to pass out , my friend Jess tapped on the window . That jolted me enough to jump out of the truck and hoarsely whisper , " Get him the fuck out of my truck . " She ran around to the other side and yanked him out as I sank back into the driver 's seat . I was shaking , hard , but I was determined to get out of there . She climbed in next to me and I drove her home . She was the only person I was able to tell about it . She wanted me to tell someone else , but I couldn 't . And I couldn 't explain why . I was scared out of my mind , I started having nightmares , flashbacks and panic attacks . The strange thing was , it didn 't seem to be connected to the incident . It was something else altogether , and that scared me even more . It was the beginning of March when she finally convinced me to tell someone . She knew what was going on in my mind and we thought maybe I would get some relief if I talked about it . So , I approached the teacher who had asked me about needing his help back in December . She didn 't recall the day , but she listened to what I had to say about it . I don 't remember how long it took between me talking to her and the guidance counselor coming to see me at the softball game , but I don 't think it was the same day . We were watching the game when she came and pulled me aside and asked to hear " my side of the story . " Anxiously , I recounted what had happened . She listened very quietly , and took a deep breath before she spoke . She told me she was very sorry , but there was nothing they could do . It was my word against his . I don 't recall how I responded , but I know that moment was when I gave up altogether . They didn 't believe me and nothing was going to be done . My suicide attempt was a cry for help . Which I got while I attended the adolescent day program for five weeks . Turns out , I was having flashbacks of being raped at ten years old . Figuring that out turned out to be a setback , as I then decided I would rather stroll through traffic than deal with the emotional repercussions . So I spent a week on the impatient unit , getting to know kids who had a lot of problems . I started realizing how blessed I was to have a stable home and an environment where I could heal . Once I got back to school , I was just ready to be done with high school . There were , of course , rumors about why I had missed five weeks of school , but I really didn 't care what anyone thought . I knew what had happened to me , and I finally had some answers to why my mind was driving me crazy . I thought once I got out of high school , things would get easier , but they don 't really tell you what it takes to grow up , do they ? Reflections on St . Patrick 's Day Two days ago was St . Patrick 's day . I usually just let the holiday go by like any other over - commercialized , not sure why we celebrate it , just another day to have a party and don 't forget about the parade , holiday . But two days ago also marked 15 years . Fifteen years ago , on St . Patrick 's Day , I tried to kill myself . I was a senior in high school and I was tired . I was physically tired , mentally tired , and emotionally tired . I was done with no one understanding , no one seemingly being on my side . I couldn 't handle the unexplainable nightmares , the panic attacks , the exhaustion and I just didn 't care anymore . Looking back , I probably didn 't truly want to die or I probably would have made a better attempt than a bottle of ibuprofen . But in the moment , I just knew I needed to do something drastic , something that would make sure someone knew I needed more help than I was getting . My parents knew something was going on with me because they had started sending me to a therapist . But I didn 't like her . I felt like she was a bit patronizing and I never felt comfortable talking to her . I remember my mom being super mad at her for not alerting her to how bad off I was . But it really wasn 't her fault ; I never really opened up too much to her . Turns out , I was a pretty messed up teenager . Really , I was just wrestling with things I was not emotionally prepared to deal with . I had been assaulted by a boy at school earlier that year and it affected me very deeply . I hadn 't been able to talk about it and I had reached the breaking point . Finally talking about it opened up a mental and emotional can of worms that I still use as fishing bait to this day . I spent five weeks attending an outpatient day program for adolescents who were struggling with all kinds of things , from drug abuse to mental health issues . One of those weeks I spent on the impatient unit because sometimes , things get worse before they get better . I began to uncover a lot of things about myself , some good , most terrifying and awful . With the help of the therapists , I began to try and decipher the flashbacks I had been having . Turns out , I had been assaulted before - and much worse . I still can 't put together all of the pieces and most days I 'd rather not try . I still grieve for my ten year old self , even though I don 't really have a lot of memory of my childhood . I feel sad for the pain and burden she was asked to carry so young . Looking back , 15 years later , there are still a lot of things I am dealing with . But I am no longer an angry , emotional teenager , and I have a much deeper and more trusting relationship with my Heavenly Father . I have very dear and trustworthy friends who listen to me to be able to help me instead of using my pain against me . I am strong in my fight against depression and anxiety , even though they plague me more often than not . I go months between panic attacks rather than days . But most of all , I know that God has a plan for my story . He has set my life on the path it is on for His greater purpose and glory . I know that my story may be unique , but my trials and tragedies are not . There are other voices in the world who cannot speak because of fear or shame and I have been called to awaken in their spirit a confidence and knowledge that they are not alone in their fight . Childhood sexual assault is an ugly reality for many . Too many . Depression and anxiety afflict more and more every day . Flashbacks , PTSD , childhood trauma and abuse , being a Christian who struggles with homosexuality , panic attacks , suicidal thoughts , cutting and self - harm ; all of these things are things I have and do fight with . But healing can be obtained . Hang around and I 'll share with you my story . |
Text Widget This is a text widget , which allows you to add text or HTML to your sidebar . You can use them to display text , links , images , HTML , or a combination of these . Edit them in the Widget section of the Customizer . A little about me So , I 'm not sure how to begin this post , exactly . I have never been much on introductions as I have never been good at the small talk thing , and the whole " So , what do you do ? " question makes me exceptionally uncomfortable as I have never been quite sure how to answer it . Like , why do we have to base our entire identity on our occupation ? I mean , I kind of get it : there are a lot of people who have worked very hard to get where they are and they are very proud to share their life 's work with anyone who will listen . But I 'm not all about that . Because we are so much more than what we do to earn an income . Or how we like to spend our time . For me , my identity is who God says I am . How do I define that ? Well , let 's look at some things . I am a woman . I am a mother to three beautiful children . I am a wife to an amazing fella . Okay , many people can say these things . So , what makes me unique ? Well , I play the guitar at my church . Two of my three children are on the Autism spectrum . I enjoy ( sometimes too much ) playing video games on my Xbox . I am also a survivor of sexual assault . Twice . I still struggle with same - sex attraction . I deal with depression and anxiety on a regular basis . I sometimes take a super long time to say what I need to say - especially if it is something that is about my emotions . Which I am not very in touch with , by the way . I am still learning to feel , even though it has been almost 10 years since my last flashback or panic attack . I still have nightmares . Focusing on my kids and their quirks and struggles has helped distract me from my own . Sometimes I am not sure that has been an entirely good thing . But I believe God is good . I believe He has a plan so much bigger than my struggles . I believe He has placed me where I am with a purpose greater than my weakness . So that is why I am here . To let you in on a little bit of my journey . A very dear friend of mine once told me , " Our struggles are not for us . They are for us to share with others . They make us relatable , and our stories meld into God 's story and it 's how we can communicate with the world . " I wholeheartedly agree ! So , I am here to share my story , and maybe begin a conversation . I have always tried to be as open and honest as possible , and I pray I will continue to be that way . Let 's Talk About This When people talk about sins , there 's always varying degrees of the severity of the sin . Like murder or theft are worse than lying or disobeying your parents . Anything to do with sex is automatically terrible and taboo and we don 't talk about it . The world is too broken , so confused about what is up and down , right and wrong . We , as the church , have the instruction manual on how to navigate the craziness and we refuse to have real conversations about life and death and what God has for His children . We feel so backward and scared about what people will do or say or think that we don 't even bother to care what God thinks . We don 't even consider that His cost is higher than anything the world would ask of us , and His cost is so much more worth it ! His burden is so easy and His yoke is so light . But we forget our responsibility to His kingdom , the call on our lives , the demand the cross makes of us . We forget the cost He paid to get us back , to bring us out of the pit . And so we walk around with our label makers , slapping every single person in our path with what we can see on the outside , what we esteem them as , while we sit on our high pedestal of " better than you 's " and " at least I 'm not like her " self sufficiency . We cannot even fathom how much we have destroyed our own trustworthiness and validity by attempting to decide who is " worthy " of Christ . No one is ! ! Who the hell are we to think that we get to decide who can fall at the feet of the Savior ? I used to think I was somehow the worst Christian ever because I was still attracted to women . I couldn 't help it . I tried not to be , I am married to a man I adore and even have children with him . But I still had the desires and attraction to other women . Then one day my pastor shared a video of a pastor , a pastor , sharing his same struggle . He explained that , same - sex attraction was just like any other sinful desire . We cannot control the desires but we can fight them . We can choose not to partake . We can overcome . That was the moment that I knew I needed to admit my struggle and begin to fight against it . And I also began to realize that I had a unique opportunity to help other people who struggle with the same desires , to fight against them . I have a powerful story , but only because Christ has made it so . The Church is full of redeemed sinners , just people , all with struggles and hangups , striving to honor Christ . At least that is what it is supposed to be . There are many churches that are anything but . They don 't talk about the sin , the struggles , they just talk about the love of God , the great plans He has to prosper you and make life happy . But Christ , Himself , told us we would have struggles , and being imperfect people , we are gonna screw things up at least a couple of times a minute . The awesome thing about admitting that you have struggles is that you are free from judgment . Not judgement from other people , necessarily , but freedom from casting judgement on others . You are free to look at another person with love and compassion in your heart because , you know , they are just as broken as you are . That is the power of Christ 's grace and forgiveness . When we can accept it for ourselves , we can 't help but share it with others . I don 't know where you are as you read this . You may have deep hurts that you aren 't ready to let go of . You may have been struggling with your particular struggle for so long , you can 't possibly imagine being free from it . Maybe you know you are living in a manner opposite of what God has called you to , but you just don 't know how to get out of it , and worse , you don 't know how to own up to it without fear of rejection and ridicule . The Bible gives us an account in John , chapter 8 verses 1 through 11 , of a woman . We don 't know much about her , other than that she was caught in the act of adultery . She was brought to the temple courts where Jesus was teaching , by Pharisees , who wished to test Jesus . We don 't know if this was something she did often or if it was a one time occurrence . I think it must have been a recurring sin for her , how else did the Pharisees catch her in the act ? There is no indication that she wished for forgiveness . I am sure she fully expected to be stoned to death , as the law required . But Jesus knew the hearts of the Pharisees , and He passed judgement like only He could . The Bible says they left , one by one , the older ones leaving first , until they were all gone and it was just her and Jesus . He asked her where her accusers had gone , if anyone had condemned her . She answered that there was no one . Any one of us could stand in her place . Each and every sin is worthy of death and each and every one of us has sinned . But our story doesn 't end with accusation and condemnation , it ends with forgiveness and a command . We don 't know what happened to the woman , if she did indeed leave her life of sin . But we do know what our lives look like . We know our deepest struggle and we try to put on our best face , even though it hurts like hell . We also have a choice . We can choose to keep walking in the direction we are , and keep falling into the sinkholes along the way . Or we can choose to turn around and walk with Jesus . Walk with those who know our struggles and still love us because they know the love of Jesus and have to share it . I invite you to walk with me . Let 's have a conversation , and keep having it . Let 's talk about the things we struggle with that no one wants to talk about , without fear . You are loved and welcome . And you don 't have to walk alone . My Story : Part Two The following is a part of my story . While I try to be truthful without being explicit , there are things in my story which cannot , and should not , be altered for a softer read . Please feel free to comment with your own story or ask any questions you may have . Let 's start a conversation . After I graduated high school , I was desperate for things to start getting better . But the thing this angry teenager learned is , things don 't just magically fix themselves when you become an adult - especially when you don 't do anything to improve them . Rapidly growing into an angry young adult , I began to try pretty much anything that wasn 't God to try and heal . Like most baby adults , I made many poor choices . I started smoking , which actually did help with my anxiety , though never for very long . I stopped going to church . I did many really , really reckless things while driving , often risking others lives as well as my own - usually without care or concern . Against my mom 's advice to enroll in a trade school , I decided to apply to a four - year college . Because my ACT scores were good , I had the option to live in the " Honors Dorm " as they called it . It required me to take a certain amount of honors level classes each semester , and there were slightly stricter conduct rules than the rest of the dorms . Keep in mind , I had never taken an honors class in my life and , very honestly , I was in no place emotionally to deal with living in a co - ed dorm . I didn 't last the first week of school . I got myself kicked out and barely completed the rest of the semester . I didn 't even go to one of my finals . So , as per the rule of my dad 's house - you either go to school or you get a job - I went out and got a job . By June of 2003 , I had gotten myself two , part - time , jobs : one at a donut shop and the other at a wing restaurant . It felt good to work . I have always enjoyed serving people and I am a fairly quick learner when I can be hands - on ( Mom was , of course , right ) . My boss at the wing place really liked my work ethic and as the majority of his employees were high school kids , he was really interested in making me a manager . I was finally starting to get the hang of working both jobs , and the money was really good , but the promotion required that I quit my other job . I think it took me about a day to decide to take the position . I had dated one of the dough cutters , who was about twenty years older than me , and it hadn 't ended well . Plus , my boss at the donut shop was kind of a jerk , so I was ready for a less toxic environment . Over the next few months , things seemed to be getting better . I was loving my new job , and I had begun coming to terms with the traumas I had experienced and uncovered . My parents began going to a new church and asked if I would go with them one Sunday . I had gotten to a point where I wasn 't as angry with God anymore , so I agreed . From the first Sunday , I was hooked . You see , they had a choir , and not just a choir , a good choir . It must have been around September or October , because they announced that Sunday that they were going to be beginning rehearsals for their Christmas program . I hadn 't been in a choir since high school and I was so excited to be able to be a part of one again . This church also had a college ministry . I wasn 't in college , but I was college - age , so it worked for me . I began to slowly work my way back into the realm of Christianity , the Bible and believing in a God I wasn 't sure I was ready to trust again . I also was pretty convinced I was in no condition to be loved by Him . Trepidatiously , I began going to small groups , meeting with a few of the leadership girls one - on - one , and going back to counseling ; trying to figure out what the condition of my emotional , mental and , most importantly , spiritual health was . In the midst of all of this , I began to wrestle with the fact of where my sexual attraction was . To my counselor , the facts were simple : I had been abused by men , from an early age , so it made sense that I would be attracted to women . But that , frustratingly , didn 't align with the truth I knew in the Bible . Nevertheless , I decided I would quietly pursue a homosexual lifestyle . Not that I had a clue what that meant or how I would even go about finding someone to date . I only told my brother and a few of my coworkers . As far as anyone knew at church , I was just wrestling and trying to work through these desires and feelings . It was around this time that we hired a new guy at work . He was older than our typical employee , probably in his late thirties , early forties . I knew from the first time I met him , he was going to cause me a lot of grief . Every time I worked with him , he seemed to be trying to flirt with me . He would make little comments here and there , nothing you don 't hear in a restaurant kitchen , though . Really , at first , it didn 't bother me as I had no interest in him and I figured he was just testing the waters since he was new . But as the weeks wore on , I could tell he was really trying to let me know , he was interested . One night , as I was counting down the register for the night , he asked if I wanted to go to a club for some drinks with him . First , I told him I wasn 't old enough to go to a club . He responded that he knew the guy that owned it and he could get me in . I then told him I didn 't like clubs as they were too noisy and I didn 't enjoy dancing . So , he just straight up asked me over to his place . I finally just told him that I didn 't date men and I wasn 't interested in hanging out with him at his place . He seemed to take it in stride and left , but I would later find out , he wasn 't very good at taking no for an answer . My shift on June 5th , 2004 had started out pretty well . I was working the closing shift and we had a good crew that night , so I was ready for a good night . I had worked with " Mr . Pushy " a couple of times since our conversation and he had seemed to be good with where things stood , keeping things mostly work related . This night was different . About half way through the shift , as I was getting ready to drop some wings into the fryer , and he whispered in my ear . " I know you want this big snake of mine . " He was directly behind me , so all I could do was drop the chicken into the fryer and start the timer . I stepped to the side and walked to the front where the cashier was . I told her what he had said to me and she asked if I wanted her to stay until close so I could send him home . The cashiers usually left a couple of hours before the rest of the crew as the night usually slowed down by then . I told her no , I could handle it and I walked out back to smoke a cigarette and gather my thoughts . I was the manager that night , so it was my call on who to send home . I decided I would just have a talk with him and see if he would agree to straighten up or be sent home . So , the three of us had a chat and he apologized and agreed to be cool the rest of the night . When ten o ' clock came around , I sent the cashier home and the night continued to go smoothly . When it came time to lock up , everyone had gone to their cars and I did my final walkthrough . By the time I walked out the back door , everyone had already left . Except " Mr . Pushy " . He was sitting in his car with the windows down , drinking a large can of Budwiser . I locked the door and walked over to his car . I urged him to go ahead and leave , as I was responsible for making sure everyone at least left the premises before I could leave . He asked if I would join him in his car . I told him I would not and that we both really needed to head out . I walked to my truck , got in and lit a cigarette , rolling the windows down . I sat there waiting for him to leave , thumbing through my cd collection , looking for some music to calm me down on my way home . I hadn 't heard him get out of his car , so the next thing I knew he was leaning into my truck , kissing me on the mouth and trying to shove his hand down my pants . As I pulled away as best I could he just chuckled and walked around to the other side of my truck . As he got in , I began hyperventilating , remembering my experience in high school . I couldn 't speak , fight back , I could barely breathe as he pulled me over to the passenger seat and raped me . When he finished , he just chuckled again and got out and drove away . I was screaming in my head , but the rest of me was numb . I dressed myself and tried to drive myself home . But I couldn 't see through the tears . I called the cashier who had been working that night and told her what happened . She and her boyfriend came and picked me up and I spent the night - not sleeping - at her parent 's house . I got up the next day and went to my appointment with my counselor . At first I wasn 't sure if I could tell her what had happened . But I managed to get it out and she insisted I report it to the police . We had talked about how I hadn 't been able to tell anyone what happened to me when I was a ten year old , and nothing was done about the incident in high school . This was my chance to not only say something , but to have something be done about it ! So , I agreed to tell the police . An officer came to her office and I told him what happened . He kept asking me if I had said , no to Mr . Pushy and I kept telling him that I couldn 't say anything . Finally , when I had finished telling him what happened , he said he wasn 't sure if they would be able to press charges because I hadn 't outright refused . I was still so numb and defeated , I don 't know that I even really understood what he was saying at the time . We went to the hospital so I could have a rape kit done and I had to go over the whole story again . I was exhausted by this point . My friend , the cashier , had met me at the counselor 's office to drive me to the hospital and back to her house when they were done . When we got back to her place I fell asleep , finally . I woke up to it being dark and my parents were there . I don 't remember them saying much and I just went back to sleep as they drove me home . After a few days passed , I tried to go back to work , but I couldn 't handle it . I decided to quit and for a couple of months I just didn 't work . I spent a lot of time sleeping and on the computer . They had been unable to press charges , and I just felt totally defeated . I was depressed , angry , and exhausted . Continuing to attend church and see my counselor was the only thing that kept me going , I think . I definitely had thoughts of suicide , but I knew that God had something more for me than that . I wasn 't angry at Him this time ; I honestly felt that He had allowed this to happen to me to wake me up and turn me away from the sin of homosexuality . So , I decided I would no longer try and explore those desires . It was very hard to walk away from though . I had felt that the only people I could really talk to about everything was the women in the lesbian chat room I had been a part of . My dad found out about the chat room and was super livid . He canceled my email account and forbid me from talking to them again . I felt lost . Out of place . But I knew he was right in his own way . I hated him for it , but I knew he was right . He also decided that after a few months of not working , it was time to get another job . No freeloaders in his house . I think he also felt I needed a reason to get out of the house instead of sleeping and ruminating in my room all day . I 'm not sure he knew how to say that , of course , so I just felt he was being mean . So , I went out and looked for another job . They were building a new Walmart , so I got on as part of a small crew that stayed behind in the old building and broke down the old store . We got to goof off a lot and had a lot of fun . It was the perfect job to kind of get me back into a routine , and it was a completely different environment than working in a restaurant . My Story : Part One The following is a part of my story . While I try to be truthful without being explicit , there are things in my story which cannot , and should not , be altered for a softer read . Please feel free to comment with your own story or ask any questions you may have . Let 's start a conversation . High school . Senior year . Some say high school was the best years of their life . I never aspired to that , as I knew adulthood would be much better . Had to be . The previous three years hadn 't been terribly special . I didn 't expect my senior year to be much different . Well , it was quite different . We started off with a new schedule : block scheduling . Four classes a day for two semesters - each semester with completely different classes . I liked it because most teachers didn 't want to lecture for the whole hour and a half , so we got time to work on homework . I spent a lot of time writing that year , as I either finished my homework quickly or simply didn 't do it . I wasn 't playing volleyball or basketball anymore because I had injured my left foot over the summer and couldn 't run on it yet . Some days I wonder if things would have been better if I had been able to play … Then the attacks on September , 11th happened . Everyone was an emotional mess for several weeks afterward . I don 't know how many in the school were truly impacted , but we readjusted as things settled down . A few of the guys and girls in my class were talking about joining the military after graduation ; we wondered if President Bush would reinstate the draft . By the time December arrived , I had gotten into my groove and was looking forward to all the activity the month had coming . My eighteenth birthday was going to fall on Homecoming and my friends from church had a surprise planned . Then , the choir and drama classes were putting on A Christmas Carol . This was going to be the biggest production I had been a part of , and I had a lot of roles , both on and offstage . They were all small , but that 's what I liked , so it worked . I was preparing for the play , painting a mask for one of my costumes . There had been a group of us , and technically , I was supposed to be at lunch with the rest of them . I had decided to work through lunch - I really couldn 't tell you why . Maybe I was just that into making it perfect , who knows ? So , I 'm sitting in the hallway in front of the choir room . The choir room was at the end of a hallway which also had the upstairs bathrooms and the civics and biology classroom on it . Our canvas was situated pretty much in front of the bathrooms , too , so anyone going to use them had to walk right by . I 'm sitting on the floor , minding my own business , working on my mask . One of the eighth grade boys walked by and headed into the restroom . When he came back out , he just stood there leaning against the wall . At first , I didn 't even notice he was still there , but then I looked up at him . He had unzipped his pants and was holding his penis , smirking at me . He probably said something to me , but my ears had started ringing and I couldn 't move or speak . He walked over to me and pushed himself on my cheek and tried to move toward my mouth . I was able to lean away from him , but I couldn 't make myself get up or speak or scream . He kept trying and I could tell he was talking to me , but I didn 't hear him . I began to feel numb and my mind was screaming , " Get away ! ! " but I couldn 't do anything . Thankfully , someone began to come down the hallway and he darted back into the restroom , then returned to class . The teacher of the class he was supposed to be in came and stood at the end of the hall with him a bit later and asked if I had needed his help . All I could do was shake my head . I wanted to scream , to jump up and run to her and tell her what had happened . But I was still numb , and all I could do was shake my head . I went the rest of the day on autopilot , barely speaking to anyone . I was just ready to get away from that place . After my last class , I practically ran to my truck . But as I got there , he was already there . " What the hell ? ! " I thought . I thought about going back inside , but I was just ready to get out of there , so I got into the driver 's side and prayed I had remembered to lock both doors . I hadn 't . He got into the passenger side and started talking and unzipping his pants . I began to hyperventilate as he grabbed my letterman jacket and covered himself . He grabbed my hand and all I could do was lean forward onto the steering wheel as he held my had on his penis . Just as I thought I was going to pass out , my friend Jess tapped on the window . That jolted me enough to jump out of the truck and hoarsely whisper , " Get him the fuck out of my truck . " She ran around to the other side and yanked him out as I sank back into the driver 's seat . I was shaking , hard , but I was determined to get out of there . She climbed in next to me and I drove her home . She was the only person I was able to tell about it . She wanted me to tell someone else , but I couldn 't . And I couldn 't explain why . I was scared out of my mind , I started having nightmares , flashbacks and panic attacks . The strange thing was , it didn 't seem to be connected to the incident . It was something else altogether , and that scared me even more . It was the beginning of March when she finally convinced me to tell someone . She knew what was going on in my mind and we thought maybe I would get some relief if I talked about it . So , I approached the teacher who had asked me about needing his help back in December . She didn 't recall the day , but she listened to what I had to say about it . I don 't remember how long it took between me talking to her and the guidance counselor coming to see me at the softball game , but I don 't think it was the same day . We were watching the game when she came and pulled me aside and asked to hear " my side of the story . " Anxiously , I recounted what had happened . She listened very quietly , and took a deep breath before she spoke . She told me she was very sorry , but there was nothing they could do . It was my word against his . I don 't recall how I responded , but I know that moment was when I gave up altogether . They didn 't believe me and nothing was going to be done . My suicide attempt was a cry for help . Which I got while I attended the adolescent day program for five weeks . Turns out , I was having flashbacks of being raped at ten years old . Figuring that out turned out to be a setback , as I then decided I would rather stroll through traffic than deal with the emotional repercussions . So I spent a week on the impatient unit , getting to know kids who had a lot of problems . I started realizing how blessed I was to have a stable home and an environment where I could heal . Once I got back to school , I was just ready to be done with high school . There were , of course , rumors about why I had missed five weeks of school , but I really didn 't care what anyone thought . I knew what had happened to me , and I finally had some answers to why my mind was driving me crazy . I thought once I got out of high school , things would get easier , but they don 't really tell you what it takes to grow up , do they ? Reflections on St . Patrick 's Day Two days ago was St . Patrick 's day . I usually just let the holiday go by like any other over - commercialized , not sure why we celebrate it , just another day to have a party and don 't forget about the parade , holiday . But two days ago also marked 15 years . Fifteen years ago , on St . Patrick 's Day , I tried to kill myself . I was a senior in high school and I was tired . I was physically tired , mentally tired , and emotionally tired . I was done with no one understanding , no one seemingly being on my side . I couldn 't handle the unexplainable nightmares , the panic attacks , the exhaustion and I just didn 't care anymore . Looking back , I probably didn 't truly want to die or I probably would have made a better attempt than a bottle of ibuprofen . But in the moment , I just knew I needed to do something drastic , something that would make sure someone knew I needed more help than I was getting . My parents knew something was going on with me because they had started sending me to a therapist . But I didn 't like her . I felt like she was a bit patronizing and I never felt comfortable talking to her . I remember my mom being super mad at her for not alerting her to how bad off I was . But it really wasn 't her fault ; I never really opened up too much to her . Turns out , I was a pretty messed up teenager . Really , I was just wrestling with things I was not emotionally prepared to deal with . I had been assaulted by a boy at school earlier that year and it affected me very deeply . I hadn 't been able to talk about it and I had reached the breaking point . Finally talking about it opened up a mental and emotional can of worms that I still use as fishing bait to this day . I spent five weeks attending an outpatient day program for adolescents who were struggling with all kinds of things , from drug abuse to mental health issues . One of those weeks I spent on the impatient unit because sometimes , things get worse before they get better . I began to uncover a lot of things about myself , some good , most terrifying and awful . With the help of the therapists , I began to try and decipher the flashbacks I had been having . Turns out , I had been assaulted before - and much worse . I still can 't put together all of the pieces and most days I 'd rather not try . I still grieve for my ten year old self , even though I don 't really have a lot of memory of my childhood . I feel sad for the pain and burden she was asked to carry so young . Looking back , 15 years later , there are still a lot of things I am dealing with . But I am no longer an angry , emotional teenager , and I have a much deeper and more trusting relationship with my Heavenly Father . I have very dear and trustworthy friends who listen to me to be able to help me instead of using my pain against me . I am strong in my fight against depression and anxiety , even though they plague me more often than not . I go months between panic attacks rather than days . But most of all , I know that God has a plan for my story . He has set my life on the path it is on for His greater purpose and glory . I know that my story may be unique , but my trials and tragedies are not . There are other voices in the world who cannot speak because of fear or shame and I have been called to awaken in their spirit a confidence and knowledge that they are not alone in their fight . Childhood sexual assault is an ugly reality for many . Too many . Depression and anxiety afflict more and more every day . Flashbacks , PTSD , childhood trauma and abuse , being a Christian who struggles with homosexuality , panic attacks , suicidal thoughts , cutting and self - harm ; all of these things are things I have and do fight with . But healing can be obtained . Hang around and I 'll share with you my story . |
MY PILLOW vibrated , and an annoying buzz hit my ears . I kept my eyes closed . Maybe the sound would stop . Maybe for once , Rob would take the hint when I didn 't answer . No such luck , of course . A moment later , the phone buzzed again . With a groan , I fished it out from under my pillow and squinted at the screen . Why would I be allowed to sleep on a school night ? I should have expected this . Five messages from Rob . Five . In less than ten minutes . At just past midnight . He should have been asleep , the same as I 'd been for the past two hours . We had a test in history the next day , even though we were only three weeks into the school year . I stared at the last message , my chest tightening . Something might be seriously wrong , and I 'd been lying here mentally bitching about Rob waking me . The last time he 'd said he needed me , he was sitting in his room with a bottle of pills he 'd swiped from his stepmother . Or at least he 'd claimed to be . For all I knew , he 'd only said it to get more attention from me . Thinking that made me feel seriously crappy . Rob could be overdramatic , and he clung to me so much sometimes he made it hard to breathe , but he had legitimate problems . I wasn 't a psychiatrist or anything , but even I could tell he was depressed . His parents refused to get help for him . They denied anything was wrong . His stepmother had even said in front of me that Rob needed to stop whining so much . I wasn 't thrilled about getting into another midnight chat with Rob , but if he needed me , I didn 't have much choice . I couldn 't turn my back on him , even if it meant I was finished sleeping for the night . If he was having a really bad time , he might want to talk until we had to get up for school . It wouldn 't have been the first time . I never told him to leave me alone , no matter how tired I was . He had to be able to count on someone , and I was all he had . I waited , but he didn 't say anything else . If I wanted to find out why he wouldn 't let me sleep , I would have to drag it out of him . Not unusual . Sometimes he wanted to make sure I really cared , and to him , caring meant I would work to get information out of him . I rolled onto my back and propped myself up on my pillows . This might take a while . I started the process of finding out what was going on in Rob 's head tonight . " Doom cloud " was Rob 's label for the worst moments of depression . He felt as if the entire world was about to fall apart , and all he could see was darkness wrapping around him . The way he described it , I almost felt it myself sometimes . I wasn 't sure whether he meant not seeing me after school had caused the doom cloud , or if he was being random because he couldn 't keep his thoughts on track . Had to work . Thought I told you this morning . Sorry if I didn 't . Ugh . I didn 't know what else to say . He always had crap with someone at school . They treated him like the designated punching bag . Name - calling , insults , even physical stuff like shoving or hitting him . He 'd told the administration about it over and over , and so had I , but it was our word against everyone else 's . The freak fag and the drama dyke . Our most common nicknames in the school hallways . Naturally no one else backed us up . I rolled my eyes . Even if he 'd forgotten I had to work today , he knew my shift went until nine on the days I worked . By the time I finished , I was always hungry and had at least a couple hours of homework . I wouldn 't have had time for a phone conversation with him . Those sometimes went on as long as the text ones . At the same time , I should have checked in with him . Every day he went through hell . I had to listen when he needed support , because no one else would . If I ignored him , I didn 't know what he might do . I tried to come up with something else to say . Something to show him how much I cared . While I tried to get my brain working , he sent another text . My chest got tight again , and I had to remind myself to breathe . When he said that kind of thing , sometimes I had to wonder when it would stop being him venting and become something he actually did . He wasn 't violent or anything . The only person he 'd ever tried to hurt was himself . He wouldn 't do anything drastic , though . As long as I kept talking to him and helping him , he would keep himself together . We would finish high school , go on to college , and Rob would get past all the bullshit , the same as I would . In ten years , we might not even remember how bad it was . If only I could convince Rob of that . Maybe . I knew better than to argue with him . He would spend an hour or more going off about how nothing really got better , and how half the people in the videos weren 't LGBT and didn 't even know what they were talking about . I 'd heard it all before . Yeah . I took a deep breath and let it out slowly . He wasn 't making threats . As long as he counted on karma to deal with the bullies , he wouldn 't do anything stupid . He was just venting . I could handle that . I read the text twice . We 'd only been chatting for a few minutes , and doom cloud nights were the ones when he kept me talking until my alarm went off . There was no way he could suddenly be okay after such a short conversation . He 'd told the truth about the doom cloud , because he knew how worried I got when he had a bad night . He would never claim things were that bad unless they actually were . Something was off . I didn 't know how to ask him about it without it sounding like an accusation , and if he was willing to let me go back to sleep , I wouldn 't complain . The conversation was over for now . Hopefully by morning , he really would be better . Meanwhile , if he needed me again , he knew how to reach me . I shut off the display and flipped the phone over a few times between my fingers . Rob might text again . We 'd talked for such a short time , and he always had more to say . Plus , if the doom cloud hadn 't let up , he probably wouldn 't fall asleep . On the other hand , I was exhausted . Besides school , I had to work again the next day . The job as a grocery store bagger was good for my bank account , but I wasn 't used to it yet . If I left the phone on in case Rob needed me again , I wouldn 't sleep either . I would be on alert in case the thing buzzed . I waited a couple more minutes , then turned off the phone entirely . No more texts for the night . No more disturbing comments from Rob . Only a good night 's sleep . We wouldn 't have time this morning , though . I was already late , and I 'd texted Talia to tell her to meet me at school instead . Since I 'd shut off my phone after texting with Rob , my alarm hadn 't gone off . I 'd been so tired I hadn 't even thought about the alarm . Fortunately , my brother Olin had pounded on my bedroom door at seven to tell me it was almost time to leave . I looked like crap . I 'd barely managed a shower and hadn 't washed my hair because I wouldn 't have had time to blow - dry it , so I 'd put it in a messy ponytail . My only makeup was lip gloss , and I wore the same jeans as the day before , along with a blue flowered blouse my grandmother had given me for my birthday . I hated the thing , but it was the only clean shirt I 'd been able to find . I wasn 't happy with how I looked , but at least I knew Talia would say something nice about me . She always thought I was beautiful . When I got to school , Talia was waiting at the edge of the parking lot . Rob lurked a few yards away , partially behind an SUV , as if we wouldn 't see him . He didn 't have any reason to hide from me , but that was what it looked like he was doing . Or , more likely , he was trying to avoid Talia . " Overslept . I messed up the alarm . " I glanced over at Rob and raised my voice . " You don 't have to hide over there . We don 't bite . " Talia turned away , wrinkling her nose . She tried to be nice to Rob , but she didn 't often actually talk to him . Every time she did , he got pissy with her . At first , I 'd tried to persuade them to be friends , but after a while I 'd given up . They didn 't have to like each other solely because of me . As long as they didn 't argue in front of me , I would deal with them ignoring each other . " Sorry . " This time he sounded sincere . " You know I 'm happy you two are together . I didn 't sleep well . My internal censor 's busted . " " Well , fix it , " Talia said . " And be careful what you say . No one besides you knows we 're together , and we want to keep it that way . " " I said I 'm sorry ! " Rob gritted his teeth . " See , Mira ? This is why I stay away from her . I 'm going inside . I know where I 'm not wanted . " He spun around and hurried toward the school . I opened my mouth to call after him , but Talia put her hand on my arm . " Let him go . He 's just going to rant at you if you try to talk to him now . Let him cool down . " " Yeah . " I took a deep breath . If I didn 't go after Rob , he might think I 'd taken Talia 's side , but if I did , he definitely wouldn 't thank me . He would say something he didn 't mean , and then we would both be angry . It was better to leave him alone for a while . By the time I saw him in first period , he would probably be putting himself down for getting mad at me . He would apologize , and everything would be fine , the same as always . Talia and I walked more slowly toward the building . A few times , her hand brushed mine , but we made no other physical contact . It would have been so nice to hold her hand . Plenty of girls held hands with their " besties " walking around the halls . But everyone knew those girls were straight and were just trying to be cute . Talia wasn 't out , but most people assumed she was a lesbian anyway . She had short , spiky hair , and the only makeup she wore was black eyeliner . She usually wore guys ' jeans or pants , which she said fit her better than women 's stuff would have , with graphic T - shirts . Mostly fandoms and bands . To me , she was beautiful . She hadn 't decided whether to call herself lesbian or bisexual . She 'd had a couple of boyfriends before me , and hadn 't exactly had a problem being physical with them . Either way , she was definitely in a relationship with a girl now , and she got a little freaked out about the idea of anyone knowing . My dad and Olin knew , of course , and a couple of Talia 's friends , but no one else . She wasn 't out to her family either . My dad and Olin were totally cool about me being into girls . I 'd come out to them the summer before I started high school , and I 'd come out at school after the first few weeks of my freshman year . I hadn 't entirely planned it . I lost my temper after about the hundred zillionth time someone called me " drama dyke " at school , and I 'd stood in the middle of the hall and shouted , " You 're right ! I 'm a lesbian ! Have fun with it ! " Oddly , most of the bullying stopped then . Once I admitted my sexuality , calling me " dyke " lost its entertainment value . People still gave me a hard time sometimes , but nowhere near as bad as middle school and the first few weeks of ninth grade . And , thank God , nothing like the crap Rob got . I wished everyone could know Talia and I were together . She was my first real girlfriend , and hiding it bothered me . I couldn 't figure out why someone so amazing was interested in me , but I 'd made up my mind to enjoy it as long as it lasted . And to make sure it lasted , I went along with her wanting to keep it a secret from most people . When we walked through the main door , shouting in one of the corridors leading off the lobby caught my attention . Loud voices so jumbled I could barely make out anything except a few swear words and a high - pitched yelp . Without even being able to see what was going on , I knew it had something to do with Rob . The corridor was so packed I had to shove people to get through the crowd . A few people swore at me , and someone punched me in the arm , but I didn 't care . One of the morons should have been getting help , not standing around watching someone get the crap pummeled out of them . Teachers should have been there anyway , since the crowd was in front of the English classrooms . The teachers had to have been in their rooms . They couldn 't have avoided hearing all the chaos . But not a single one of them was in sight . " Go get a frigging teacher ! " I yelled at the girl nearest me , some tiny blonde who was probably a freshman judging from how terrified she looked . She stared at me wide - eyed for a second , then turned and started pushing through the crowd around her . At least she was small enough not to need much space to go between people . At my scream , three of the guys turned . The one with his fist raised didn 't move , not even to lower his hand . Craig O ' Donnell . One of Rob 's worst enemies , for no reason except Rob existed . I shoved my way past a few more people . Rob was cringing against the bank of lockers , both hands raised to protect his face . Blood dripped onto the floor from somewhere on his face . I guessed his nose . They always hit him in the nose . " That 's enough ! " Mr . Jameson , my English teacher , hurried over to us , trailed by two other teachers . He pushed between Rob and Craig , facing Craig , and looked at me and the guys . " All of you , office . Now ! " The rest of the crowd , muttering and whispering , started walking away . The other two teachers started herding Craig and his buddies toward the main office . One of them touched my shoulder , and I shook her off . " That 's my best friend . I 'm not going anywhere until he does . " The teacher nodded and moved along . Rob bent over , sobbing and gagging . " Why ? " he asked in a thick , nasal voice . " Why again ? " I quickly moved beside him and put my arm around him . " It 's okay . They have to get suspended . The school can 't let this go . " From my best friend . Someone I would never turn my back on . But the way he looked right then scared the hell out of me . He wasn 't afraid . He was somewhere beyond fury , and at that second , I didn 't know what he might do . I breathed in and held it for a couple of seconds before letting go . Some of the tension left with the air . Of course Rob was angry . He had every right to be . He wouldn 't hurt anyone , though . Rob never hurt anyone . I stayed right beside Rob with my arm around his back , while Mr . Jameson held Rob 's arm . Rob moved like a zombie , shuffling one foot in front of the other so slowly it felt as if we took an hour to reach the lobby . As we walked to the nurse 's office door , I glanced into the main office . Craig slouched in one of the chairs by the counter , along with two of his pals . One of the teachers stood beside them , arms folded . The other guy was nowhere in sight . I started to shake . None of the bullies had ever hurt Rob this badly before . Those guys had hurt my best friend , and I couldn 't do anything about it . I 'd never been able to do anything except remind Rob I cared about him . One of these days , that might not be enough . " Not surprising . " Mr . Jameson narrowed his eyes . " Don 't worry about those guys . Mr . Shorey and Ms . Cramer will take care of them . " " They 'll take care of it , " Mr . Jameson repeated . He didn 't sound as confident . He knew damn well this kind of thing had happened to Rob before . No one ever " took care of it . " None of the bullies had ever gotten more than detention , and they 'd only gotten that the rare times when a teacher had witnessed what was going on . Most of the time , adults were nowhere around , and Rob 's and my word about what happened didn 't mean a whole lot when everyone else denied it . We reached the nurse 's office . The nurse stood from her desk , took one look at Rob , and grabbed him from us to guide him to the bench beside the door . " Sit here . Don 't tip your head back . I 'll be right back . " She bustled over to the closet where she kept the first aid supplies . I sat beside Rob and put my hand on his . He was shaking worse than I was . If I could have taken away his pain , I would have . But all I could do was ask stupid questions . " Do you want me to call your stepmom ? She can bring you a new shirt . " " We have to call your parents , " Mr . Jameson said . " You should probably be checked out by a doctor . Your nose is in pretty rough shape . " The nurse came back with gauze and a cold pack . She handed a wad of gauze to Rob . " Hold this against your nose . Don 't squeeze and don 't press . Just hold it there . " " I have to . " The nurse frowned . " Maybe it 'll go better than last time . Mira , are you okay ? You didn 't get hurt , did you ? " " No . I got there at the end of the fight . " I turned to Mr . Jameson . " Do I have to go to the office ? I didn 't fight anyone . I just yelled at them to stop . " Being interrogated by the vice principals was the last thing I wanted to do , especially since they wouldn 't believe a word I said anyway . Even if Mr . Shorey and Ms . Cramer talked to every single person who 'd watched the fight , it wouldn 't matter . Most of them would probably say they hadn 't seen anything , even if they 'd been standing right beside the guys . Anyone who admitted there had been a fight would probably blame it on Rob solely to get him into trouble . " They 'll talk to everyone they can . " Mr . Jameson touched Rob 's shoulder . " I have to get to class . I 'm sorry this happened , Rob . Whatever I can do to help make sure those guys are punished , I 'll do . " The hopelessness in his tone sent sharp blades into my heart . I 'd heard it way too many times before . He 'd gone from anger to giving up . To wanting to die because he saw no other way to stop the pain . I didn 't have anything to say . I should have reassured him . Given him back some hope . Told him things would be okay . Except I wouldn 't have believed it , and neither would he . I hated this frigging school . So far , Rob had always come out of the darkness , and he probably would this time . But I didn 't know how much more he could take . I didn 't want to leave , but I wasn 't doing Rob any good just sitting there . At least if I talked to the administrators , I would be doing something useful . There was always a tiny chance they might listen . I followed Mr . Jameson to the main office like the good , obedient little student I was . Craig wasn 't around this time . His other buddy had taken the chair . The other two guys hadn 't moved . I narrowed my eyes . As if I would talk to the idiots . I didn 't care whether they said anything to me . I almost hoped they would , because Mrs . Chaffee might actually step in , unlike most of the school staff . She was one of the good ones . " She 's waiting to talk to Ms . Cramer and Mr . Shorey about the fight , " Mr . Jameson said . " She 's a witness . Other students might come in as well . I need to get to my class , but I 'll talk to Mr . Shorey and Ms . Cramer later . " Mr . Jameson left . Tense and trying to avoid looking at the morons on the other side of the counter , I stared at the bulletin board on the opposite wall . All of the notices on it were for teachers and other staff members , probably nothing I should have even been reading . Then again , if they didn 't want students reading it , they shouldn 't have put it in the main office . The guys mumbled and whispered , and I caught my name a few times . I wanted to scream at them to shut the hell up , but I kept my mouth shut . If I said a single word , they would claim I 'd tried to start a fight . Besides , talking to them wouldn 't have done any good . They knew they were jerks . They didn 't care . After a little while , Craig came out of the vice principal 's office with Ms . Cramer . He glared at me , and I looked away . Even making eye contact might come back to bite me . Ms . Cramer led me into her office . Mr . Shorey , the other vice principal , was sitting at Ms . Cramer 's desk . He had a separate office , so I guessed he and Ms . Cramer wanted to be together to interrogate everyone . " Tell us what you saw , " Mr . Shorey said . " We 've already talked to the boys involved , other than Rob . We 'll be talking to him in a few minutes . " " He 's in the nurse 's office , " I said . " They made a mess of his nose . " They shouldn 't have wanted to talk to him . He was the one who 'd been hurt . That was all they needed to know . I bit my lip . I had to be completely neutral in front of them . If I sounded emotional at all , they wouldn 't listen to anything I said . They never did . That was part of the reason they overlooked what Rob reported : he always cried . " Um , I came into the building and heard a lot of shouting and stuff in the English corridor . I went to see what was going on . A bunch of people were standing around , and Craig , Jack , Allan , and Seth were in front of the lockers . Craig had his hand up like he was going to hit someone . " She already knew the answer . Aside from hearing Rob had been injured , she and Mr . Shorey had probably listened to the guys blaming Rob for the fight . Everyone knew he had a temper , so of course Craig and the others would try to convince people he 'd started it . And some would believe them , even though there had been four of them and Rob wasn 't that stupid . Ms . Cramer and Mr . Shorey were supposed to be objective . Just the facts . If the guys had said Rob started the fight , Ms . Cramer and Mr . Shorey should have been smart enough to figure out they were lying . I had to make sure they did . " Rob Stevens , " I said . " They had him up against the lockers , and he had his hands up like this . " I demonstrated . " He was bleeding . " " I yelled at the guys to leave Rob alone . " I paused . Craig might not even have noticed me touching his arm , but just in case , I figured I 'd better mention it . " I tapped Craig on the arm to get his attention so he wouldn 't hit Rob . Then Mr . Jameson and the other teachers showed up and took care of everything . " My heartbeat sped up again . I 'd told the complete truth , but there was no guarantee they would believe me . It all depended on what the guys had said . If anything didn 't match up , Ms . Cramer and Mr . Shorey would probably believe the guys because there were four of them . Numbers always won . Rob would back my story if he was thinking clearly , but that would still only be two against four or more , depending on whether Mr . Shorey and Ms . Cramer talked to anyone else who 'd been there . " Thank you . " Ms . Cramer stood . " We 'll let you know if we want to talk to you about anything else . Get a pass from Mrs . Chaffee . Do you need to go to your locker , or are you ready for first period ? " " Um . " I didn 't know what Talia had done with my backpack . " I think I 'm ready for class . Talia had my bag . " Mr . Shorey rolled his eyes . " You kids need to stop making other people responsible for your things . Go to class and see if your bag 's there . If it isn 't , come back down here . " I tensed and pushed myself out of my chair . He sounded pissed off , which I didn 't appreciate . I 'd been trying to save my best friend from getting beaten into the hospital . Obviously I hadn 't cared too much about my bag at that point . I didn 't see Rob for the rest of the day , and he didn 't answer the texts I sent . I assumed his stepmother had taken him to get his nose checked out and brought him home afterward , but I was still worried . He might not have had a chance to tell Mr . Shorey and Ms . Cramer his side of the story before he left . Without hearing from him , they would have even more reason to believe the other guys . " Why are you so worried ? " Talia asked as we walked into the back room to put on our uniform shirts and aprons . " His mom probably picked him up . He 's fine . " " Stepmom , " I said . Rob got furious when anyone called Lee - Anne his mother . Even though she 'd been married to his father for ten years , Rob refused to consider her any relation to him . His mother had bailed when he was four , and he didn 't want another one . Talia groaned . " Whatever . Point is , you 're acting like they broke him in half or something . He got hit . Again . He 's used to it . " Used to it ? Seriously ? I narrowed my eyes . She made it sound like the fight didn 't even matter . Like Rob didn 't matter . I should have expected it . We 'd been in the same schools since sixth grade , but until the end of tenth , Talia had never talked to me or Rob . And now she only talked to him because he was my friend . She didn 't actually care about him . Maybe I was wrong to care about her . " No one should be used to getting treated like that , " I said slowly through gritted teeth so I wouldn 't yell . " Just because it 's happened before doesn 't mean it doesn 't bother him . It does . Every single time , especially when the school acts like it 's his fault for being there instead of the assholes ' fault for doing it ! " " Whoa . Calm down . " Talia put her hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eye . " I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean it 's okay . I only meant … I don 't know . This time wasn 't any worse than any other time , right ? And he 's always been all right before ? " " Yeah . " I exhaled and tried to relax . Talia wasn 't the enemy . " It just pisses me off . Yeah , this has happened before . Yeah , physically he 's been okay every time before . But you don 't understand how hard it is for him to even get out of bed sometimes . He always knows something like this might happen . " I clamped my lips together so I wouldn 't say anything else . The things Rob told me were meant to stay between me and him . I couldn 't share them , even with Talia , without betraying his trust , and there was no way I would ever do that . I was the only one Rob trusted . " It sucks . " Talia bent over to tie her combat boot . " I mean , sometimes he does kind of bring it on himself , you know ? I don 't mean he deserves it , but he spouts off when he shouldn 't , and he treats people like shit sometimes . But that doesn 't mean those guys or anyone else should be , like , assaulting him . " I bristled . No matter how she explained it , she was victim - blaming . It wasn 't a whole lot better than making someone a victim in the first place . Rob wasn 't always easy to get along with , and he was so used to people hurting him that sometimes he went off on them before they did anything . But he didn 't deserve their crap , and he wouldn 't have acted that way if people had just left him alone . I took a deep , long breath and blew it out slowly . Talia had never been bullied as badly as Rob and me . The way she looked and dressed mostly scared people off . So she didn 't know anything about how Rob felt . She was just giving her opinion , but it was based on not having a clue . " I don 't know . " I put on my apron and reached around my back to tie it . " I 'm mad . I don 't think it 's at you . Just about all of it , I guess . " I did . She leaned in and touched her lips to mine . Just a tiny little touch . We couldn 't risk anyone walking in and seeing us kissing . But it sent warmth straight through me . Talia and I hadn 't said " I love you " to each other yet , but I definitely felt it , even when she ticked me off . She grinned and took my hand . " Come on . Let 's get out there and wait on all the happy little Shop - and - Save customers . " |
Today Lois and I did some work in the basement . When we were done she was done we drove out to the land fill and disposed of some much unwanted stuff . As we left we decided to drive up the street to see if there were any blue herons nesting in the tower we discovered last year at one of the nature reserves . I got a new camera for Christmas and we wanted to try it out . We have been here a number of times . They have a couple roads with signs that say , " Open from 8 : 00 to 5 : 00 " and the gates are always closed . This time they were open and we decided to go in and drive the designated roads . We saw many blue heron and swans and other wild fowl . We had just made the loop and drove back to the access road we came in on and noticed the gates were locked . It didn 't take us long to realize we were locked inside a state - operated facility and that it was 4 : 00 in the afternoon and if we were going to get out we had to work fast . I called a friend of mine who was familiar with the area but he couldn 't find a phone number for the Department of Wildlife Resources . I also wanted to connect with someone who knew where we were and could help if things got bad . We then had Aly get online and google the phone numbers of the bird reserve where we were trapped , the landfill directly across the street and the Division of Wildlife Resources . I called the Wildlife Resource number first and got a voice - automated menu with a number of listings that I couldn 't hear because Lois was in a full panic . I was laughing at how funny it was while she was yelling , " This is not funny ! " Turns out she needed a restroom . " Oh come on , " I said , " You 've got to admit this is pretty funny . " " No , " she said , " This is not funny at all . " I finally handed her the phone because I couldn 't hear anything the operator was saying . Eventually she reached someone and we waited for what seemed like an hour while he tried to get us some help . At 4 : 30 he got back on the line and told me a game warden was coming and it would take about a half hour . He wasn 't lying either ; aboPosted by We had to put Cassie to sleep today . It was very hard for all of us . The vet called me a couple of hours after we dropped her off this morning and explained that the tumor had already done extensive damage across her palate . Cassie started bleeding shortly after the tumor was opened and wouldn 't stop . The vet said that with or without the biopsy , Cassie wouldn 't be able to lead any quality of life under the circumstances . He recommended that we euthanize her and suggested we wait no longer than a week . Because the tumor was so rapid , the damage would only worsen and she would be in pain . Lois and I talked about it and decided we should put Cassie to sleep . There was a good chance that the wound in her mouth wouldn 't even heal within the week and it would only prolong her misery . The last week has been very strange . Lois received a letter a week or so ago saying Cassie was supposed to get her rabies shot and at the same time I saw her jowl was a bit extended on one side . I brought it to Lois ' attention and she was going to have the vet look at it . When Lois and Aly took Cassie to the vet , they discovered Cassie didn 't need her rabies shot until 2013 . Odd ? The visit was not unwarranted , Lois had the vet look at Cassie 's mouth and he discovered the tumor . When we tried to look at it beforehand , Cassie would whine and move away . We figured it would be best for the vet to look at it . All day long Lois and I both felt like maybe we could have done something different . That we should have noticed her mouth sooner . We wondered if we as pet parents were doing our jobs . Even the veterinarian 's wife made a remark that , " I can 't believe you didn 't notice it . " As if we didn 't feel bad enough already . But they said it was fast - growing and just wasn 't noticeable until about a week ago . We all agree that none of us noticed her mouth until we received the rabies shot notice in the mail . It almost seems like it was a forewarning . Like we had been led to vet . We will miss you Cassie . On Saturday , Lois had to take our pound puppy Cassie to the vet for a shot . It turned out that she didn 't need the shot after all . She did however have a sore puffy lip and we wanted to get it checked out . I thought that maybe she had a splinter or a bone fragment in her cheek . Maybe it was an abscessed tooth . Aly called me at work when they were done and I could tell by the crack in her voice that something was wrong . The vet had just informed them that Cassie had cancer . Lucy We have had Cassie for 8 years now . We brought her home shortly after we got our black lab Lucy . The two of them have been loving members of our family and are about 10 years old . Lucy grunts and groans and age has clearly left its mark of gray on her fur . Cassie on the other hand has always been agile and her white and brown fur makes it hard to distinguish the color of gray . Lois and I have talked frequently about Lucy growing old , but I don 't think either of us ever gave much thought to Cassie 's age because she behaves so much like a pup . She still digs in the trash and steals food off the counter . When I heard that Cassie might have to be put to sleep , my heart sank . We have all been having trouble dealing with this news . Tomorrow morning we are taking her to the vet for a biopsy and then we 'll have to make some choices depending on whether or not it is malignant . If it is benign , she could still lose some teeth . If the tumor is malignant , we will have to figure out how to handle it rather quickly . The vet says that it is fast acting and can be very painful . The Mile This is a re - post from two years ago . I wanted to write another Halloween story , but I just didn 't have it in me . If you are a new follower , I hope you enjoy it . Billy Larue rushed up to his bedroom window . Grabbing the cuff of his shirt sleeve , he rubbed away the condensation and peered outside . He could just now begin to see the full moon rising , silhouetted by the maple trees as the last of the autumn leaves lightly fell . They slowly floated to the ground before they came to rest on the dew - covered lawn . Dying they were , he thought . He desperately wanted to go outside and play in them one last time , before winter claimed them . But he knew it was already too late . They had already begun to wither once they had touched the ground - - death decaying . Remembering then why he had come upstairs , he half jumped and half climbed up onto his bed . And sitting there , he waited . Soon the sound of wood hitting wood made soft thumping noises out in the hallway . The woman made a low gutteral noise as she entered the room . Almost , he thought , like an animal . Setting her cane aside , she smiled at him and held out her long flailing arm . " Here , Grandma , " he half whispered . " Let me see , " his grandma said . Reaching out , she found his wrist and slowly started patting down the young boy 's torso . Yards of bandages covered Billy 's upper body . " The best ever ! " he said again . " You don 't need an Old Witch walking you around . " She started , " This cane of mine has seen too many miles already . Besides , you and Bessie will be alone this year . It 's time . Somebody 's got to light The Mile . " Billy walked over to his window . From the second floor of the house he could see the faint outline of the old rickety fence that skirted the property . Letting his eyes follow the driveway to the very end , he could barely see the gate . It was as tall as the cornstalks that lined the road . And , it was exactly one mile from the house to the gate . Along the driveway , Billy could see the jack - o - lanterns that they had placed there three days ago . There were over a hundred of them . " We 've got to hurry ! " he said , turning to his grandma , " It 's almost time . " The room had darkened considerably , and only the wick of one flickering candle danced in the twilight . The old woman 's hands seemed to disappear into the folds of her dress and then they reappeared with a box . Just like magic , he thought . She handed him the box and then smiled . " Go now then , " she whispered . Billy seemed to vanish from the place he once stood . Candlelight bounced off the walls and he was gone . His footsteps could be heard as he took to the stairs . Yelling over his shoulder he said , " Thank you , Grandma . " Outside in the courtyard , Bessie danced with excitement . The night was warm but the wind had picked up since the afternoon . There was a storm coming . " Hurry Billy ! " she cried out anxiously . " I am , " he said . Carefully holding the box that Grandma Mabel had given him . Every motion was almost reverent . The moonlight shined down on the silver clasp of the box as he unsnapped it . Inside were two candles and a single wooden matchstick . One match , he thought to himself . What if it takes two ? He gave the box to Bessie and he let his mind wander as he summoned up his nerve to strike the single stick . Bessie looked at him with wild anticipation . She held out one of the candles and waited . An eerie howl swept across the cornfields and they both turned to look at the horizon . Lightening flashed in the far distance . The storm was moving away from them toward Barrow County . " Now , " he whispered . Bessie leaned in close with one hand cupped around one of the candles as Billy struck the matchhead against a stone that lay on the ground . Fire lit up and briefly danced and then the flame disappeared . " No ! " they both screamed . And as they stopped to look at each other , the matchhead jumped again and a tiny spark lit the other side of the matchstick . The two held their breath as they leaned in close to light the candle Bessie held in her hands . " Now the other , " Billy said . Bessie 's hand disappeared into the long black cape that she wore and then reappeared holding the other candle . Just like Grandma , he thought . LightingSomething Happened Somewhere Turning It was the first weekend in July . We were a day late . We 'd missed the wedding . There was a cacophony of laughter coming from inside the house and soon the voices made their way outside on to the lawn to greet us . " Where were you ? " and " What happened ? " echoed among all of us . After explanations there was a brief round of introductions . I had met your family before . Another time . Another place . Another occasion . One less friendly . Not hostile , just mournful . You said , " Hello " and it resonated with laughter . Your smile made me smile . I remember it well because it gave me goosebumps . Then there was that pitter - patter your heart does when it has a crush . That weekend we became inseparable . We laughed and smiled and shared things people just don 't generally speak about . Later there was the brushing of skin when our hands found each other . And towards the end of that weekend we managed a hug under the pretence that we were saying goodbye to each other . Days went by . My heart ached like no other . You were in my head all day . You were in my sleep . And then one day there was a call . Later I was at the airport . When I saw you we smiled and there was that " Hello . " We went to the Redwoods last week for our vacation . I have never been there before , but I was amazed by the size of these trees . The funny thing is , back in the day I used to cut trees down for a living . The girls enjoyed the Redwoods too , but Jenifer seemed to feel that once you 've seen a couple thousand , then you have seen them all . I think they enjoyed the ocean more . Aly spent as much time in the water as she could . I 'm not sure how she survived the frigid temperatures . We left Salt Lake and drove to Sacramento on Saturday morning . The following day we headed off to Santa Cruz and got a motel a few blocks away from the beach boardwalk . Aly and Jeni started out by swimming , and then Aly and I went on some rides while Lois and Jeni hit the stores and walked the boardwalk . When we met up later , the girls were ready to go swimming again . The following day we drove up the beach toward Leggett , California , and only made it 55 miles . How we did that I 'm not sure , but we vowed to make up for it the following day . We did that by driving 110 miles on Tuesday . Eventually we made it into the Redwoods and we did a lot of stopping . We drove through a couple trees and visited some gift shops . When we left there we drove all day long through Oregon from Grants Pass to Ontario and then to Nampa , Idaho , where we spent a couple of day with friends of mine that I have known for 30 years . It was fun to catch up and be among friends I haven 't seen for years . On Saturday we went to Boise and visited another friend of mine who has always been like a father figure to me . He is very ill and it was part of the reason that we decided to travel back to Salt Lake through Idaho . It was nice to visit him . It felt great to take some time off . I have been wanting to go on vacation for a long time . I was so happy when the girls got out of school for the summer . I am posting some pictures of the redwoods and I will post other picture on my Reflections blog later . What if everything you were told was a lie ? All of my life I have been held hostage to the notion that I was all alone . My parents signed emancipation papers for me when I was 16 years old . Even my blood sister I grew up with seemed like a stranger to me and remains so to this day . What if everything you believed was a lie ? My parents never liked to talk about my adoption . When my blood sister and I found out that we were adopted , naturally we had our own questions . " Who am I ? Who are our parents ? " These were some of those first questions that came up . They were ones my sister asked . She is 21 months older than me and at the time those questions were not anything I ever thought about . When she asked them my parents froze and they immediately set up a wall . From that time forward any questions that were asked were like much guarded secrets . The subject was taboo . At the time I was too busy growing up and being a kid . I was in the back yard climbing a ladder so that I could jump off the roof into the deep end of the swimming pool . I was busy climbing our 40 foot flag pole to see if I could touch the top . And all I got from that was a blistered butt when my dad got home . He took punishment pretty seriously . My sisters questions drove her crazy . So crazy that she ran away from home when she 12 and ended up in a group home . We would drive over and see her on the weekends and she would always refer to our parents by their last name . It was all kind of sad really , watching a child disown her family . " Who am I ? " I could hear my sister asking this in my head . What kind of question was that ? You are the same person you were before you found out that you were adopted . Nothings changed . Later I had my own questions . All I ever wanted to know was who were my natural parents , what were they like and whether or not they loved me . My mom could never talk to me about my adopted parents , at least not until we met later in life when I was in my 30 's . And even then it was a sketchy story . She said that my mom had given my sister and I up for " Wait a minute , " I say , " Are you talking about Senator Barry Goldwater ? " My whole life I always believed my natural mom was a minor and that because she was too young to take care of us so she gave my sister and I up for adoption . I believed this because this is what I had been told . My birth certificate showed that my moms name was entirely different than what was on my adoption records . It also showed that she was 29 years of age at the time of my birth ; instead of a minor . It revealed that I had other siblings . And that my birth fathers first name was also different than the adoption records said . After we received the adoption records and I did the math while considering my mom was a minor when she had me , I figured she would be in her mid - sixties right now . But this new age of 29 would bring her to around 77 - 79 depending on birthdays . I don 't know if we will ever find her but I still hold out on hope . Today I miss her . Today I wonder what happened back there . Today - like so many others - I still don 't have my answers . It was the juice that caught the dog 's attention . She had been sniffing the odor all night long . But when she heard it dripping on the duck , she opened up her eyes and looked at Sara . Sara was looking directly at her and she slowly wagged her tail . She wasn 't allowed to eat duck unless Sara first had sawed it off the bone . That was a rule . Gypsy had learned the bone rule long ago . Sara didn 't have to speak to Gypsy at all . Her eye was her command . She spoke to Gypsy with smiles and nods and stares . So it was that Gypsy laid on the floor , tail slowly wagging , waiting for the bell . It delighted Sara that Gypsy played the game . Each night , a while after dinner , Ivan would enter the kitchen with the bell cupped in his hand to prevent the dog from hearing it . Gypsy would look at Sara , who stood back and smiled . Ivan , who 'd done the feat each night for weeks , would look at his wife and give the nod . Sara would place the bowl off in the corner where the dog generally ate and stepped away . Ivan would prepare the bell and then shake his hand . Ring - ring the sound came , and Gypsy would look up at Sara with one eye while the other focused on Ivan . Once , early on , Sara tested her theory and gave no nod and Gypsy sat on the floor staring at Ivan and the bowl . The whole time Ivan rang his stupid bell . Eventually he spoke rather loudly and said , " Gypsy ! " To this the dog slightly stirred and then Sara smiled and ever so gently moved her head . Gypsy trotted to her bowl and began to eat . Ivan gave a " harrumph " and showed a bit of satisfaction and left the room . The bell now nestled in his hand . Sara decided that that was probably enough and never did it again . She would spare both Ivan and Gypsy any grief . Of course the bell trick at home was always between Sara and the dog , but Gypsy would also respond to Ivan 's bell whenever Sara wasn 't around . It had become animal instinct thanks to Sara . And Pavlov never knew . Normally this post would be something you 'd read on my other blog , but because time and this illness have steadily moved forward , I thought I should post something here . I have slowly moved up the list , despite that my numbers have dropped a little over the past couple of months . In two weeks I will know if any of that will change . What won 't change is the illness . I feel different these days . The soreness in my muscles constantly ache . The physical aspect of it all seems rather moot really ; it has been going on for so long . What bothers me is that it is difficult to write . It is hard to keep a blog when the words don 't come . I can go through the motions and blather all day long , but I don 't seem to be able to finish anything . Part of my illness is that with it comes confusion . They say that it all gets better . . . eventually . I would love to continue writing , but for the moment I don 't think that is possible , not with any regularity . Hopefully after transplant all that will change . I have been quite fortunate over the past couple of years . I have a loving family who have kept me strong through all of this . On my good days they have shared their love and laughter , and on my bad days they have done a good job at ignoring my sour attitude and trudged along . I have also met a lot of people who for the most part are strangers , but have shared with me their compassion and kindness . I thank you all . There is nothing better for a bruised heart and soul than a warm greeting and hello . Somehow words always lift a smile . For now it seems unlikely that I will be doing any posting over here . I will try to keep up with the other blog and my photo blog , but even those seem to take some work . In the meanwhile I seem to have messed up my template over here and I can 't figure out how to do any editing . Blogger refuses to let me change , add or show me anything . It 's a conundrum . I may have to take some drastic measures . Advice is welcome . Wishing you all a wonderful new year . Thomas Mason , Billy Larue , Bob Sanders and Molly Carver stood in a drain pipe beneath the city of Astoria , Oregon , right off the mouth of the Columbia River . They carried flashlights and weapons . After the street lights went out they had all gone to Bob 's house to gather flashlights and to arm themselves . They were going after Pretty Penny . The kids had pulled the metal grate back where Penny had been digging and slipped down into the tunnels . The sounds of dripping water echoed through the pipes . Somewhere in the distance they heard Penny barking and the strange noise that they had been hearing all night . Thomas took the lead as they walked into the tunnel . At first they weren 't sure where they were going , but when they saw a street name painted on one wall they realized that the layout was similar to the streets above where they all lived . " What is that awful smell ? " Billy asked . " It smells fishy . " Molly said . " Dude , it really reeks . " said Bob . " I think I know what it is ! " Billy exclaimed . " Maybe it 's a sea monster . " " There 's no such thing as sea monsters . " Thomas said . " Just think about it ! How far is the river ? " Billy asked . " We live in a city that 's only a mile across one way and less than two miles the other . I 'd say it 's not very far . " Molly said . " What if this is something new , like a new species ? " Billy offered . " Dude , there 's no sea monsters . " Molly said . They walked for a little while longer until they heard Pretty Penny yelping again . She was much closer to them now and the smell was getting worse . " What if it is a sea monster ? " Bob asked . They all looked at each other and shrugged . " I just want Pretty Penny . " Molly cried . " I want her to be safe . " " When we see her we 're going to grab her and we 're going to run , " Thomas said . " Does anyone know how to get back ? " Billy asked . " I do , " Molly said . " We follow it back to Kensington Street and stay left . " They moved into anothet tunnel and the sound bellowed out . " What is that ? " Billy whispered . " I know ! " Molly said , " I know what that is . " The sea monster loomed over Penny . It 's # # # Bob Sanders stood frozen in his front yard . Thomas and Billy waved at him as they approached . " Hey , guys , " Bob said . " Did you just hear something weird ? " The two boys asked . " I 'm not real sure what I heard , but I think it 's underground . " " Dude , " Billy looked at Thomas , " There 's no way I 'm going down into the sewers . " " How do you know it 's underground ? " Thomas asked . Bob looked at him and he appeared to be a little frightened . " I know because I stood right here in this yard and I heard the noise when it started way up there and ended when it got way down there . " The boy pointed at one end of his yard and then to the other . " It 's Pretty Penny ! " Billy said . " We don 't know that . " Thomas replied . " It wasn 't Pretty Penny , " Bob Sanders slowly shook his head . " Why do you say that ? " The boys both asked . " Because whatever it was , Pretty Penny was chasing it . " Pretty Penny was sitting on her haunches in front of a storm drain . She had her head was cocked sideways and she was whimpering . The boys had only gone another block when they saw her . She turned and looked at them and bared her teeth . Thomas got off of his bike . He squatted and took one knee and called her , " Here girl . Come here Penny . " Pretty Penny whimpered and ran to Thomas . She jumped up into his lap and he picked her up . " What is it , Penny ? " Bob asked . She wagged her rear and looked at the boys . Thomas thought he saw her smiling . " I can hear it ! " Thomas said . The three of them moved closer to the storm drain and listened . They could hear running water and the sound of heavy breathing . They all stepped back . " I am definitely not going down there now ! " Billy said . From the time when Thomas stood on his porch ; to when Molly Carver came up behind Billy and him , and to when the three boys gathered in front of the storm drain listening to the heavy breathing , only 15 minutes had passed . Since then ten more minutes had passed and three things had happened . The first thing was that they had all managed to scare themselves . Secondly , Pretty Penny was going crazy and was trying hard to acPosted by My name is Beaux and I am married to my very best friend . We have two beautiful daughters who are the lights of our life . My wife is the most loving , kind and unselfish person I have ever met . She always puts friends and family first . This past year we found out that I have a terminal illness and that I will need to have a liver transplant . Her strength has been wonderful and encouraging , even though I know she is as scared as I am . |
Jesus said to him , " What is written in the law ? How do you read it ? " He said in reply , " You shall love the Lord , your God , with all your heart , with all your being , with all your strength , and with all your mind , and your neighbor as yourself . " Jesus replied , " A man fell victim to robbers as he went down from Jerusalem to Jericho . They stripped and beat him and went off leaving him half - dead . A priest happened to be going down that road , but when he saw him , he passed by on the opposite side . Likewise a Levite came to the place , and when he saw him , he passed by on the opposite side . But a Samaritan traveler who came upon him was moved with compassion at the sight . He approached the victim , poured oil and wine over his wounds and bandaged them . Then he lifted him up on his own animal , took him to an inn and cared for him . The next day he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper with the instruction , ' Take care of him . If you spend more than what I have given you , I shall repay you on my way back . ' Which of these three , in your opinion , was neighbor to the robbers ' victim ? " While we were in the hospital the doctors really wanted to be able to see Tessie 's brain stem . That region of the brain controls breathing and since no breathing was the biggest problem that she was facing , making sure that part of her brain was normal was a big deal . Thankfully she had recently had an MRI , without sedation , on our trip to Missouri . I called and spoke with the contact person for the study and she explained that the doctor who could release the CD was out of the country , but they had an urgent call in to him and were waiting to hear back . Many times the necessity of having another MRI done was discussed . It would start with various doctors who 'd come to examine Tessie explaining to me that it was likely that the images from a research study wouldn 't be as well done as the ones they would need and so we would have to do it over again . I would nod . Then they would say , " but putting a baby with central apnea under general anesthesia can be very dangerous . Because of the breathing . " Because she might stop breathing , my brain would fill in . " So we can wait for the CD and see what it says . " was the conclusion reached over and over again . As long as she continued to do well , we could wait . I 'd gotten a phone call from her neurologist 's office asking me to bring it in the moment I got it and ask for K - . K would take the CD and make a copy and then I could keep the original in case any of her other doctors wanted to see it . The minute we got it I loaded the kids in the car and headed to the neurology office , stopping to pick up Paul on the way . I 'm not sure why what happened next was so amusing to me , because on another day I think I would have been frustrated . Maybe because it feels like we 've been through a lot and so it seemed fitting that dropping off the CD wouldn 't be as simple as it probably should have been . Here 's what happened next . Me : " Hi . Is K - here ? " Receptionist : " K ? " Me : " Um . . . K , Dr . D 's . . . person ? She called and said to bring this in and ask for her so that she can make a copy of it ? " Receptionist : " Oh ! K . I 'm not sure we can make a copy . Let 's see . She was supposed to go home early today but let me see if she 's still here . " ( disappears and then reappears a few minutes later ) " Okay , so here 's what we 'll have you do . I 'm going to point you in the direction of radiology . You take that down to them and they are going to scan it and upload it to the system so that he can see it right away . " Five minutes later having traveled down to radiology and waited in line . Receptionist ( makes phone call and repeats what I just said , says " okay , thanks . " and hangs up the phone : " Actually we can 't do that . It 's actually in violation of HIPAA law . If she 'd already had a scan here we would be able to do it . But she hasn 't . Even though she 's in the computer . So we can 't do it . " Me : " Yeah . . . she 's in the computer because she was in the PICU last week . They couldn 't do an MRI because she might have central apnea and they were afraid she would stop breathing under sedation . But we have this one which was done as part of a study not under sedation . It took two nights to get . . . " Me : " Thanks anyways . " Trudging back to the elevator then back to the neurology office I run into someone from radiology who is certain I work for the neurology office and it takes several tries to convince her that I 'm not kidding when I say that I don 't . I 'm just here a lot . Back in neurology . . . Receptionist : " And I 'll make sure the doctor sees it and we 'll mail it back to you once we get it scanned . " And there you have it . Getting it wasn 't easy and getting it to the doctor was more difficult than I imagined but it kind of fits with the way things have gone ( twists and turns and then ultimately working out ) and I am relieved to have put that thing in their hands . And I 'm relieved that I did not have all five kids with me while I tried to figure out where it went . And I 'm really thankful to everyone from the doctors to the receptionist at her neurologist 's office who made it work so that they hopefully will be able to use this CD since it 's what everyone thinks is best for her if there 's any way that it can work out . Now I 'll be over here praying that that CD looks entirely normal and that I get that call soon ! Posted by Yesterday was a punch in the gut . I want to write happy . You have no idea how badly I want to write happy . But right now I 'm afraid . As the mother of a child with rather intensive special needs I 'm actually terrified . I 've been told I shouldn 't be . I was told after the election that there was nothing to worry about . That my fears were baseless . The conservatives love life and wouldn 't hurt the disabled . People said I was liberal . As in " look at these stupid liberals who get all their news from MSNBC and wouldn 't know the truth if it hit them upside the head . " Which made me laugh . Sadly . I had actually voted a straight Republican ticket for years . I was on the board of our Republican Women 's group in the county I lived in before we moved out of California . I 've posed for pictures with Republican congressmen . I 've been vocal about being against abortion . And MSNBC ? I don 't think I 've watched that in over a decade . We don 't actually have cable . When Tessie was in the hospital I found that CSPAN was the only channel I could stomach , and then only barely . I watched as the future Secretary of Education said that she thought that choosing to educate children with special needs should be left to the states . When she was corrected and told that it was a federal law that made sure these kids aren 't locked out of schools like they were in the past she said she must have been confused . Our future attorney general has referred to children with disabilities as the greatest annoyance teachers face . And yesterday we learned that there is a planned trillion dollars in cuts to Medicaid in the next ten years . Block grants , that is to say limited amounts of money , will be provided for people with disabilities . This is expected to be devastating to those with disabilities . Kids like Maggie . Kids who have preexisting conditions , will no longer be protected under the law . Kids who used to go to institutions but who now are in regular classrooms interacting with peers and learning life skills will lose the protections that make that possible . Since having a child with a disability I can tell you that there is one thing that has stood out to me over these last years . People are often afraid of people with disabilities . People get uncomfortable around them . Many don 't want to see or hear those who are differently abled . I think a large part of that is because in the past these kids were locked away and not seen by previous generations . I absolutely believe that the benefit of having them in the classroom is enormous . It teaches compassion and wipes away fear of the unknown . And I think it 's one of the prolife things that we can do . Knowing other human beings that are differently abled takes away that anxiety I so often see when people hear Maggie 's speech and joyful squeals and realize she 's different . People who know her , or who 've even just read about her , begin to see a person not a stereotype . People who know Maggie , when they hear the word autism , can think of her awesome sense of humor and amazing smile . It 's not just the terrifying diagnosis that some people believe is a fate worse than death ( it 's not ) . A lot of my prolife friends have pointed out that many of the people I was marching with this last week are okay with killing babies in utero that have disabilities . And obviously I disagree with that . I 've spoken out against abortion many times and for anyone who wonders I 'll say it now : Abortion is wrong . Always . I am absolutely against it . But if you want to stop babies with disabilities from being aborted , stripping them of their healthcare and their chance to go to school , is not the way to do it . Early intervention services are key to helping kids with disabilities before the gap between their development and their peers development becomes too large to be overcome . These have been slashed , and my heart has ached to see that it is nearly always done by conservatives . And now this attack on education and disability benefits ? If those disappear let me tell you , parents of babies with disabilities aren 't going to be falling all over themselves to have them . And those that do ? They won 't have a future to offer these children . It isn 't realistic , someone told me a few weeks ago . Helping all these kids . Letting them all go to therapy and school . There are too many of them and it costs too much . I 'm not sure I 've ever heard a less prolife argument in my entire life come from the mouth of someone who claims to be for life . We can 't tell women to have babies , all the babies but then tell them that those children are just too much when they get here . I never believed it when I heard pro - abortion people say that prolifers only care about babies when they 're in the womb . I 've known personally too many people who embodied the opposite sort of generosity to believe it . But I have seen it creep into the reality that I 'm facing in the near future , here and there , and I have to say , I am terrified . I 'm sure someone will tell me not to worry . That whatever is coming will be better . And I sure hope you 're right . Because the safety net has been cut down and striped away and we 're about to be shoved over the edge as those therapies and education options are hacked out of existence ( after all they can 't exist if they aren 't being paid for and with preexisting conditions back these kids aren 't going to qualify for insurance ) . Maybe some people will feel better if these kids are shoved away . It 's easier not to see these differences . I know I have friends who wish I would stop talking about it . I feel it keenly when close friends like every cute baby picture but are conspicuously silent every time I post about our worries for the future , or worse , tell me I have nothing to worry about . Silly me . Worried that the promises that have been made might come to fruition . Because it 's out of sight is out of mind . At least if you don 't love someone who has faced these challenges . But I have a prayer . I know many of you . You 're brave . And maybe you voted for President Trump . Maybe you 're thrilled with him . Praise him for the good he does . I 'll be right there beside you . Pray that he is the president this country needs . I know I will be on my own knees But if you see this , these safety nets being cut that hold the hopes of our kids who need extra help please , please , don 't stay silent . You can like him and support him and still ask him , and your representatives to protect the most vulnerable of our population who are outside the womb . No one else is going to if we don 't . So please I beg of you don 't stay silent if you see the small gains of the last decades stripped away . You don 't haI want to write happy . And I will . I am resolving to start sharing the glimpses of life that I 've loved to share with you in the past , the happy moments that are here each and every day , even when the worries of an uncertain future weigh upon me . But I will also be writing about the difficulties that families who love people with disabilities are going to be facing in the near future if we really end up plunging off this cliff . And I hope that you 'll be beside me in this , speaking out for the voiceless both inside and outside the womb . Posted by We saw Tessie 's primary care doctor today . She knew everything that had happened . She hadn 't seen us in the hospital because when she had been about to come to see us she 'd been told we were being sent home ( I 'd been told the same thing ) but then they 'd changed their mind and kept her for another day . She looked over all the test results and what each of the specialists said and we ran back over everything that 's happened in the last six months , from the developmental delays and the constant sleeping to the present , where Tessie says " hi ! " when new people walk into the room and is making really good eye contact . Except there was one difference with this appointment . She is one of the few doctors who 'd seen Tessie before . She had witnessed the delays first hand and seen how sleepy she was . She 's watched all of this unfold and she 'd seen Tessie when I was calling worried and bringing her in because she was sleeping 20 - 21 hours a day between three and five months . She said she 's gone over it again and again and it just doesn 't make sense . . . that is to say , what 's happening now doesn 't make sense . The baby Tessie is now doesn 't match the story of the baby she was before , and it definitely doesn 't match the test results . Finally she said " you know , I think this may just be a God thing . " James was grumpy because Patch tried to kiss Tessie 's cheek . He thinks Tessie is his baby . Of course , the tests aren 't over . We 're still waiting on the tests that are being redone . And she 's calling the pediatric sleep center a hundred miles away , at a children 's hospital , where she 's going to talk to a doctor who she knows and tell him the entire story and see if they want to see Tessie there and do another sleep study . I asked again if central apnea ever goes away and she said the same thing the nurse in the PICU had said . She said that she 's seen it decrease with age but she 's never seen it go away and she didn 't think that it could , although I should ask the sleep study doctor when / if we see him . But for the moment things look good . Tessie looks good and seems healthy and is suddenly catching up on all those missed milestones that seemed so impossible a month ago . Hopefully soon this will all be a distant memory of that very strange time when we were all kind of panicked , and I 'll show Tessie the pictures of her smiling as she bounced around the PICU looking like she most definitely did not belong there . Again thank you all for your prayers . They were a big part of this rather dizzying week and I 'm so grateful for every one of them . Posted by I let it sit all night , remembering the " I 'm so disappointed in you " message that popped up in my inbox an hour after I wrote that post about deciding to wear pants again and wondering what kind of backlash would follow . In the end though I want to be honest with you . I want to use my little corner of the internet to explain why yesterday 's March was important . And if that 's a deal breaker for some readers , I understand . But I 've always shared quite a bit with you here and I don 't think I 'm ready to stop now just because it may make a number of people angry . If I 'm going to be a coward here , afraid to write what I really think , than I need to stop writing altogether and be done with it . Before I start , a number of people online yesterday seemed to believe that the women at the March were actually showing up with knitted hats that were supposed to look like female anatomy because they were named after that word that our President so crudely used . Yes , the hats were crudely named . But they were made to look like cat ears . Today I saw quite a few people talking about the Woman 's March that was taking place in Washington D . C . and about the Sister Marches that were taking place around the world . There had been a stir earlier this week in the prolife world when New Wave Feminists , who was a partner in the march , was told that they were no longer welcome in the march because of their prolife beliefs . Now to be honest , upon hearing this news I did pause . I wasn 't entirely certain I was going to the march to begin with . I knew that if I went it would be me and the five kids , and the very idea was exhausting . In the end I thought of the issues that are important to me and I made my decision . I am and will always be completely against abortion . The issue is incredibly important to me . So is the issue of violence against women . In the past year I 've seen too many conversations where victims of violence , particularly of sexual violence , were blamed for the crimes perpetrated against them . But what was she wearing ? But where was she walking ? Should she have really gone to that party in the first place ? were questions I saw bandied about more frequently than I would have ever imagined . They 're why women don 't come forward and don 't report these crimes . Because these questions are as common as the accusations that ripple just barely below the surface of the callously phrased words . Quite a few friends today have asked why we even need a woman 's march . It 's totally unnecessary because women are totally and completely equal , they say . If you believe that I hope you stop and give a little prayer of thanksgiving that your experience in life has allowed you to maintain that belief . Because in a society where violence against women is as common and as easily dismissed as it often is in ours , we can 't be truly equal or truly free . This is a deeply personal issue to me . I know that a few times over the years I 've mentioned that one time the boy who I 'd been talking with every night on the phone for months ( although I guess officially he wasn 't my boyfriend ) slapped me upside the head then hit me across the back with a two by four , then bragged about it to his buddies at football practice the next day . That wasn 't my last experience with violence , unfortunately , or even the worst , but it was a particular moment that eighteen years later is still seared into my memory . So perhaps it isn 't surprising that I was horrified when I first watched the tape where our now president bragged about how he can grab women and do whatever he wants to with them . I winced when I heard people dismiss it as " locker room talk , " I felt faintly ill when I heard people say that " all men talk like that . " No , that isn 't true . And even it were it wouldn 't be an excuse . Perhaps I shouldn 't even get started on the topic that I 'm the most passionate about these days : disabilities . I sat in the PICU this last week watching CSPAN and staring at the oxygen monitor above Tessie 's bed . I watched the woman who will likely be the future Secretary of Education as she bumbled her way through the hearing , fairly reeking of incompetence . I heard her say , when asked about disabled children attending public schools , that she thought that was a decision best left up to the states . When she was corrected and informed that IDEAS is in fact a federal law she said that she must have been confused . I have watched our now President flail about mocking a disabled reporter . I 've been told that I can 't believe my own eyes , that it 's just the liberal media telling me what to think , that he wasn 't really mocking him when using the movements that are stereotypically used to mock the differently - abled . And if you believe that I 've got a bridge I 'd like to sell you . Between the current Secretary of Education pick and the Attorney General pick ( he spoke against IDEAS long ago ) , and Trump 's own behavior , as the mother of a child with a disability I have serious concerns about the future my child will face . And yes , I 've been told I have nothing to worry about , and that my worries aren 't valid , and even that " no one would argue that kids with disabilities can 't go to public schools " which was bestowed upon me by someone with no experience with disabilities of any sort . But as I gear up to use this law to ensure Maggie does get to go to school next year , after having a conversation with a special education director who told me " we have aOn our way to the march today the kids and I said a rosary for our president , not that he would be successful in his agenda but that he would be a good man and a good leader for our country . I 'm going to keep praying for him and for our nation . And I 'll keep clinging to the belief that the things that we have in common are greater than the things that tear us apart . Posted by The last few days have been intense . We 're home and I 'm mulling over everything that 's happened . I hope being home is the right thing . I pray Tessie never has another apnea episode . And I wonder if we 've had a small miracle of sorts that I 'll carry with me for the rest of my life . I didn 't know many of the details of how serious the results of Tessie 's sleep study were until yesterday . She stopped breathing 43 times during that night . Apnea is when you stop breathing for more than twenty seconds . Her blood oxygen fell to 79 percent for half a minute . The paper in front of my says she says " Central sleep apnea , severe with moderately severe hypoxemia . These respiratory events were mostly hyponeas but there were frequent non - periodic central apneas as well . A minority of these apneas and hypopneas were post - arousal . The respiratory pattern was ataxic frequently . No snoring was detected . " I was told yesterday that when her information was sent to the PICU the doctor , he read it and told the nurses that he was planning on doing a tracheotomy when we arrived . She would need to be on a ventilator . I was told that he said that the one good thing was that she wasn 't dead yet and if she was going to die she probably already would have . And then we got there . And she looked like this : She was rosy cheeked and bright eyed and she said " hi " to two doctors and a nurse as they evaluated her so that " I think she just said hi to me " " Me too ! " was heard throughout the room . Now , let 's go back . At three months Tessie was no making eye contact . She was missing major milestones across the board . She slept all day long . At five months she was still avoiding eye contact , and missing milestones . In the last few weeks , since shortly before the sleep study , she began to be more alert . She began to look me in the eyes and giggle . She started making eye contact with everyone she saw , still smiling all the time . Everyone who meets her is a friend . Everyone . The first suggestion was that the sleep study was wrong . And that the labs were wrong . Labs from three different draws , one processed here in Michigan and the other sent to Mayo Clinic . And the sleep study must have been read incorrectly . The debates began . The pulmonologist called just as we were about to be released and said that the sleep study was not incorrect . It was read by a pediatric specialist and it did show central apnea . We needed to stay . All the labs were redrawn , and sent back out , but it will be weeks before they 're all done . The EEG was done , she was hooked up to it all night long , and it came back normal . No events of apnea . The next night she was hooked up to an oxygen and heart monitor and again there were no instances of it . " Does central apnea go away ? " I whispered to her nurse . " Is it possible she 's outgrown it ? " I asked . She said that it wasn 't and that she hadn 't wanted to scare me when I came in , but that holding Tessie she 'd been terrified because if she had central apnea than sooner or later she would have " an event . " Someday she would stop breathing and not start again . Do you know CPR ? one of the intensive care doctors asked . A line of specialists came through the room . She now has her pediatrician and neurologist , a pulmonologist , a geneticist , and a GI doctor . There were many suggestions of many tests , some of which were done , many which weren 't . She drank a tube of barium like a champ . Does that count as her third food ? Bananas , garlic bread and barium ? To be honest , she seemed to prefer the barium to the bananas . But every test done in the last two days came back normal . She was the picture of health , floating around the PICU cuddling nurses and giggling with everyone she saw . And those developmental delays that everyone from her therapists to doctors have been monitoring ? Not one was apparent the entire time . Last night , with a long print out of doctor 's to call to follow up , we came home . I nervously put Tessie to bed , where she slept through the night and woke up cheerfully this morning . After I stared at her back for a good long time , breathing easily only when I saw her little back rise and fall . I have so many questions . Did she ever have central apnea ? Well , the PICU doctor who was there yesterday asked me if I 'd ever seen her stop breathing . I told him I had , six times . The first time , at three months , when I saw that she was completely and utterly still . I put my hand on her chest , Nothing . I put my hand under her nose . Nothing . I raised my hand to her forehead , terrified . " Please God , don 't let her be cold . Please God . " She wasn 't cold and the moment I touched her she gasped and started to breath again . The day that our neurologist received the test results he called me . I was sitting in behavioral testing with Tessie . I 'd barely gotten any sleep the night before as they attempted to do the MRI and then a wired Tessie bounced off the walls of our hotel room when we 'd tried to go to sleep . And then in the morning I 'd learned that Tessie 's godmother had died . That day as I ate breakfast and drove to the hospital , I kept thinking about one of the last exchanges we 'd had on Facebook . She had been too ill to come to the baptism as she 'd hoped , and so a proxy had stood in for her and her husband . So she had never met Tessie . But she commented on one photo , " How can you miss someone so much that you 've never met ? " I commented back that I couldn 't wait for the day that she held Tessie . That day never came . And as I held Tessie that day , and watched her go into the MRI that night , those words were all I could think of . Every time I think of them , I cry . I wish she 'd been able to hold and cuddle Tessie this side of heaven . That night at the hospital , after receiving the news of the sleep study , but without any idea how serious it was , I sat next to Tessie and prayed . I prayed to God to heal my sweet baby . I prayed for the repose of her sweet godmother 's soul . And I prayed that if Elizabeth was before God , that she intercede for her goddaughter . I sat there , prayers humming through my head as the magnets knocked loudly together , not yet even as terrified as I should have been , but afraid all the same . As the debate ranged on around me yesterday , with tense conversations outside the glass of her room , while I heard bits and pieces about how there were mistakes or weren 't , how there must have been mistakes because those tests couldn 't have been right , my mind kept going back to that night beside the MRI machine , and that morning getting the call from her doctor and all those prayers I 'd said . Maybe the half of the people arguing for mistakes were right and it was all a huge error . Except whenever I 'm almost convinced I think of the developmental delays that were so apparent , and how they were observed by so many medical professionals and therapists . And she was sleeping twenty hours a day shortly before she hit six months old . And I saw her stop breathing on multiple occasions . I don 't know . And in this life I imagine I won 't ever know . And when I think of it I want to say thank you a hundred times over . Thank you , thank you , thank you . And to those who have prayed here on earth , thank you too . Whatever the reason our girl seems strong and healthy . And as the test results began to trickle back in I 'm going to be praying that the normalcy continues and that this whole thing will someday be an odd , nearly miraculous memory , all bright with the possibility of what may have happened and all that we can 't know . Posted by She was not a fan of the nasal cannula that she had in that measured her CO2 levels , because it made thumb sucking rather tricky , but she managed . And she smiled and giggled at every person who visited her . And said " hi " to person after person who came into the room surprising everyone . The first news we got this morning was that it didn 't look like we were going home today , and then the attending doctor told me he thought we 'd be able to go home later , because it will be weeks before all the tests are back and he thinks we can do most of it outpatient since she did so well last night , but we haven 't heard anything in about five hours so I 'm not sure if we 'll still get to . Patch does have his first ballet class tonight , so I 'm hoping to hurry home to take him to that and then hurry back if we don 't get to take her home . Because he 's been desperate to go to ballet for two years , and it 's finally time . I 'll post more when we know more , and when Tessie lets me since she as not letting me put her down last night , but hopefully the news continues to be good . She certainly looks like the picture of health while she 's awake and if she really isn 't having oxygen problems when she falls asleep now , that would be amazing . Posted by Half an hour later the pulmonary office called and told me they would like to see Tessie today . By then the appointment was only an hour away , and a short while later Paul dropped us off and picked Patch up from school . The pulmonologist went over Tessie 's history , and our family history and then brought out the sleep study . I had not had a chance to see it up until that point . I really hadn 't seen it , he asked . He was shocked . The report was written on the thirtieth of December . It said that Tessie has severe central apnea and that she had had severe oxygen problems over the course of the test , with her oxygen levels dropping as low as 79 % . " You know , " I said , " I was pretty scared when I left the neurologist 's office yesterday and he said that if she hadn 't looked so good when he saw her he had planned on admitting her . " " That 's what I want to do right now . " He replied . He called her primary care doctor and then the hospital and the next thing I knew we were being sent to the hospital where she would be admitted to the PICU . It wasn 't , he explained , because she 's so sick she needs the PICU ( she 's not , at least not during the day ) , but because they have the equipment and ability to monitor her the way that she needs to be monitored while she 's being tested . So Tessie and I went to the hospital and up to the PICU and we went over what 's been going on with her again . The doctor at the PICU said that by looking at her information he had , he thought they would have to ventilate her when we arrived and that the baby sitting before him just doesn 't match the baby who has the test results and history that we 're seeing . Tessie , for her part , has smiled at everyone who 's come into the room and thinks that this whole thing is a huge party . Everyone she sees is her best friend and it took some convincing to get her to fall asleep . But she is finally asleep and the alarm parameters have all been turned down so low that they aren 't dinging every thirty seconds , which is helping her stay asleep . Prayers are hugely appreciated . Posted by Today was her neurology appointment . I didn 't learn anything new . She has central sleep apnea and we should be hearing from her pediatrician in the next couple of days and will learn what is going to happen next to deal with keeping her oxygen levels up at night . The results from the last test indicated that further testing needs to be done to check for mitochondrial disease , and of course that hasn 't changed . Her oxygen levels at night are falling too low , since for whatever reason her brain stops telling her to breath , and he believes that the pulmonologist that her pediatrician will likely refer her to will put her on oxygen at night . I will feel a hundred times better when that actually happens . We 're still waiting for the MRI to arrive to see if there are any answers there . He 's particularly interested in her brain stem since that 's responsible for controlling breathing . When we were walking out he said that if she hadn 't been doing so much better today ( which mainly meant being awake and staying awake longer , although she was showing off her gross motor skills too ) he was going to have her admitted to the hospital . But because she was much more alert and played the whole time instead of passing out halfway through the exam she got to come home . And for that I am very thankful . But I 'm also unnerved when I think of how much she was sleeping before and how that was likely because she wasn 't getting enough oxygen . Thank you for the prayers . If you have a moment to say a prayer that the next round of blood tests goes smoothly tomorrow we 'd appreciate it . I was supposed to take her tonight , but the sidewalks were so icy when we came home from ballet that Sadie and I could barely stay on our feet , so tomorrow it is . But taking Tessie to blood draws is one of my least favorite things . Posted by We were in St Louis last week for MRIs , and after a long unsuccessful night trying to get Tessie to sleep through the test we 'd nabbed a few hours of sleep in our hotel before heading over for a morning of behavioral testing . When Tessie was around three months old , when the concerns I 'd been having since she was around three weeks old began to become apparent to everyone around us , I basically managed to deal with all the feelings that I was having by staying busy . That business took the form of reaching out to just about everyone who had worked with Maggie over the years , to ask if they had any ideas . " What would you do ? " I asked over and over again , " if you had a three month old with a family history of autism who was actively avoiding eye contact and failing to respond to sounds ? " She was practicing with ear plugs to get ready for the MRI . One of our favorite places , the Autism Lab , came up with a list for us of studies that might be helpful . I plucked three studies from the list and contacted them , unsure if I 'd hear back . After a few days of phone tag and emails I realized that all three studies were going to happen . Now I had no grand illusions about what these studies meant for us . I knew that the conclusions from these studies were unlikely to directly benefit Tessie or any of my kids . But I also very quickly realized that the tests that were done could be helpful going forward , because we live in a world where wait lists are long and they can be even longer when insurance companies have to decide whether or not they 're as necessary as the doctors say they are . A little before nine we headed to Barnes - Jewish Hospital for the first night of testing . For ten days before the study Tessie had been listening to MRI sounds and sleeping soundly through them . And she 's such a sound sleeper , sleeping through dogs barking and her siblings loud playing , and even Paul hammering and using a screw driver in the same room , that I wasn 't worried at all about her sleeping through the MRI . But she wasn 't having it . She wanted to look at the machine and while I got her to sleep five times she wouldn 't stay asleep . By the time we left , a little after midnight , I was worried that they 'd flown us down for nothing . This is how wide eyed she was as we left the first day of testing . After midnight . The next day there were more tests and I 'd been so confident that Tessie would sleep through that first MRI and that we 'd be back at the hotel at no time , that I 'd chosen an early morning time slot for behavioral testing . As I was getting ready to go I missed a call from Paul . When I called him back I learned that Tessie 's Godmother , an amazing woman who had been battling cancer , had passed away ( please pray for the repose of the soul of Elizabeth ! ) . We didn 't have much time for the tears that were freely falling as we hurried back over to a new building near the hospital and went inside for the next round of testing . I set down my bag in the small lobby and removed my phone from my pocket and set it on the table . The office was small and the front door was locked and we were the only ones there . We were about to go into the testing room when the woman administering the test paused . " Do you want to bring your phone ? " She asked . " In case you . . . need it ? " I said something about feeling kind weird not having it on me , and shoved it into my pocket . About an hour into the tests my phone vibrated in my pocket . I ignored it . I don 't take calls when I 'm with therapists or doctors , unless I 'm expecting an important call from another therapist 's / doctor 's office . The phone rang again . This time I pulled it out of my pocket and glanced that the number . It was a Michigan number and it wasn 't one that was programed into my phone . I asked if it was okay if I answered , and she nodded . I recognized the voice immediately even though I 've never spoken to the kids ' neurologist on the phone . He sees Maggie and James and now Tessie and I usually see him for someone monthly , or every other month . Before he said anything I knew it couldn 't be good . He was calling himself . He has never been the one to call me . For MRI results , or EEG results , or abnormal blood tests it 's always been a receptionist or a nurse . He had ordered blood tests for Tessie because she was sleeping so much . Twenty hours a day at four and five months old . Hypersomnia , said the words printed at the bottom of the paper they 'd given me the last time I left his office . I gripped the phone and waited as he began to explain what the recent slew of test results had told us . I thought back to one of the oddest conversations I 've ever had in my life . " Did you see anything unusual ? " I 'd asked as we 'd gathered up our things to leave . " Well , the pediatric neurologist has to look at it . " She had said " But don 't worry . Lots of babies have breathing problems and outgrow them . " The sleep study told us that Tessie has Central Apnea . For whatever reason sometimes while she 's asleep , her brain stops telling her body to breath . And , he explained , they were concerned that she wasn 't getting enough oxygen . More tests would need to be done and she may need to see a pulmonologist . I took a deep breath and thought of the three doctor 's appointments where I 'd said I was afraid that she had sleep apnea , that it seemed like she had stopped breathing in her sleep and I would put my hand on her chest and it would be still and I put my finger under her nose and there was no breath and that I panicked as I touched her forehead and she 'd made a huge gasping sound , but the repeated answer had been that her breathing was probably too shallow to notice and she was fine . Which was a perfectly reasonable answer because apnea is incredibly rare in full term babies . I don 't blame them for not catching it because from everything I 've read it isn 't common in babies like Tessie . He went on talking . There was more . The results from Mayo Clinic for the amino acid and organic acid were back . They were abnormal . They suggested mitochondrial disease and would require more testing . Could I take her to the hospital there ? " Do I need to do this right now ? " I asked . " Because we 're out of state . Is there any way it can wait until we get back ? " He had me write everything down that he had said to give to the doctor I was about to meet with and then he made me promise to call the office to schedule and appointment and speak with him the minute we got back to Michigan . I put down the phone and repeated his words to the test administrator . She texted the doctor who runs the study and told her what was going on and she came up and I repeated what he 'd said , and she explained a few things and said that she would tell her staff that they were to stay all night if necessary because we now really needed the test results . The last test was a little screen in a dim room that tracked Tessie 's eye movement while she looked at pictures and spinning graphics and then we were on our way , free for the afternoon , until it was time to be back at the hospital at nine . My head was spinning . I took Tessie to the zoo and we walked and walked and walked . It took longer than usual for Tessie to fall asleep , but she seemed more comfortable in the MRI room . She had ear plugs in her ears , with tiny pieces of tape over them , and after two attempts at getting her to stay asleep she was wrapped in a blanket on the MRI board with huge ear protector ear muffs over the ear plugs and towels all around her head to keep it still . I sat and stared at her chest . In the half hour that she laid there , waiting to be in a deep enough sleep for the testing to begin , she stopped breathing four times . And I held my breath with her , watching for her little chest to begin to rise and fall again , each time that it happened . She went into the MRI tube and I sat in the rocking chair I 'd been rocking her in and prayed and gasped every time her feet moved and then prayed more that she would just stay asleep so that they could finish the scans . Forty five minutes after she went in she started to kick her feet , but apparently she stayed still enough that the scan was able to be completed . They brought her out and she opened her eyes and grinned at us . The guy who was doing the MRI said " Well , that 's a first . They always scream . " as she beamed up at us . She 's going in to see her neurologist on Monday , which was the first appointment they had with him and I guess we 'll find out what 's next then . In a way I 've felt like we 're exactly where we need to be as this has unfolded . I was so certain that every test would come back normal , just like they all did with Maggie ( although Maggie has never had any of these tests done , which does have me wondering . . . ) . This morning I was helping Maggie get dressed and she started cracking jokes . " Water sock ? " She said the words and then waited for me to repeat them back as she stuck out her foot and pointed her toes as I helped her with her sock . Water sock is a spin off of a joke that she shares with one of her therapists . A couple of months ago she spilled water on her shirt . She was about to get upset when her therapist said " water tummy ? " and instead of being upset about her wet shirt she started laughing hysterically . The word water , like the word mermaid , is often used by Maggie as an adjective to mean good . " Water baby ? " I asked and she glanced over at James . " Water Sadie ! " she said and when I said " Water Mommy ? " she responded quickly with " Water Patch ! " She spent the rest of the time getting ready randomly naming things as being " water " and happily left for school with Paul when he went to work . But the biggest gains of the last few days happened when she was at school . When I picked her up yesterday I learned that she and a few of the other kids had been going to one end of the playroom and counting to ten and then running together to the other side of the play room , spontaneously . One of the little boys had put his arms out afterwards and she had hugged him ( not too hard , they said ) . Today I heard that she 'd initiated a game of tag , played with another little girl for thirty minutes on her own , and that she 'd played another game of tag with another little boy and had called him by his name all without being prompted ( and they hadn 't even known that she knew his name ) . But my favorite part of the day came after we picked Maggie up from school and Sadie realized that they were both wearing their new silver sparkly shirts . She told Maggie that they were both wearing " Water shirts " and Maggie was pretty happy about that . In fact , they both were ( poor Sadie was home recovering from the most horrible not quite twelve hour stomach bug ever ) . And they were happy enough that they even made faces when I told them they could be And now for one of my all time favorite Maggie videos . I 've only watched this about a hundred times this week . I love it when she sighs and how she looks over her shoulder at her work : |
It was going to be a strange , seeing him . Lucy had a lot on her mind . She was still feeling shell shocked and on edge since the creepy phone call . Nothing else had come her way , but the news of the fight in the pub had reached her before she could get over to Michael 's flat . Danny had sent a humorous text to warn her ; we all look like shit ! Lucy didn 't find any of it funny though . All of it , from the letters and the bricks , to the phone calls and the fight , all of it turned her stomach and sickened her . More and more she found herself in sympathy with Anthony 's wife . Who would want to be caught up in all this mess , she wondered ? Who would choose to ? Danny came out of the flat limping slightly , with Kurt at his heels . Lucy looked him up and down , shaking her head slowly in despair . He grinned at her and sort of grimaced , trying to edge her towards a joke . He had a deep cut to the right of his forehead , just above his eye . She winced at the criss cross of stitches , the ugly bruising . She felt the immediate urge to hug him , but then something stopped her , something held her back , and she sighed , and guessed she knew what it was . " The police have come up with nothing ? " she asked , thinking it to be a useless question , and one to which the answer was obvious . " I don 't think so , " Lucy replied , glancing over her shoulder nervously . " Can we just go for a walk to the beach with Kurt ? Maybe get some fish and chips ? " " That sounds brilliant , " Danny beamed , and she knew again that he was faking it . That he had been doing that a lot with her . She slipped her arm through his and they walked on . " Can I duck in on the fat man on the way back though ? Saw him in the pub last night and he kind of offered me a job ! " " Yep , " Danny nodded proudly , and she could see how excited he was about it . " Just got to say hi quick . See what he reckons . Is that okay ? " " Fine , " she nodded . " Actually Carl stayed over last night . " She glanced up at him , looking for a reaction . " I was a bit freaked out again . Just keep feeling watched , you know ? " She saw him clench his teeth briefly before replying . " Oh that was nice of him . Yeah , I know what you mean . After yesterday , I feel like I should be looking over my shoulder the whole time . But fuck it . What can we do ? " He shrugged at her . " Just have to hope the cops come up with something . " He shook his head at her . " No , no don 't bother . I 'm just leaving it to the police Luce . I don 't want you involved . I don 't want any of you involved . " He shrugged at her again . " Safer that way . " They came out onto the high street , and slipped between the hurrying crowds . They headed down towards the crescent , at the end of the high street . " How are Michael and Anthony ? " Lucy asked eventually . Danny released a sigh . " Lucky they weren 't hurt worse , " he admitted . " Poor Anthony went down like a sack of shit when that ape brained him with a pint glass . He was out for a while . They were kicking the shit out of him . Then I got this ! " he pointed to his cut . " Didn 't pass out though . Think we got them back a bit . " He chuckled softly to himself , and Lucy pretended not to notice . " Let 's not talk about it , " Danny said then . They had reached the crescent , so called because of the little crescent shaped park to the right of the main road . It was surrounded by a loop of knackered old benches , usually filled with sleeping bodies wrapped in blankets . It was fairly empty now though . A young man in a hooded top was throwing a Frisbee for his bull terrier , and two young women in short skirts were smoking next to the bus stop . Lucy shivered again , and wondered why Danny and Michael liked this place so much . Belfield Park had not changed , she thought . It was still bed - sit city , a place filled with unfortunate people . They took the road to the left , which wound slowly and gently down to the beach . When their feet hit the sand , Kurt trotted off ahead of them , sniffing the sea air and wagging his tail that much faster . " Gorgeous , " Lucy breathed , as the wind from the sea swept her hair back from her forehead . " Freezing , but gorgeous . " They walked on , hand in hand now . Lucy told herself to enjoy the closeness while it lasted . They got their fish and chips and sat down on the sand to eat them . They tasted divine , but Lucy found herself closely watching every person that passed them . She wondered if Danny was examining them all as she was , wondering if any of them were watching them , or following them , wondering if they were about to be set upon or attacked at random . It was a horrible , disquieting feeling , which made the fish and chips harder to appreciate , as her stomach began to knot and twist in nerves . When she could eat no more , Lucy pushed her share onto Danny and decided it had been long enough . " Who was that woman yesterday ? " she asked him , looking sideways to catch his expression . She saw it immediately before he disguised it . Guilt . Fear . " Oh ! " Danny sounded amused now . " That was just that reporter woman that 's been sniffing around . Caroline Haskell . She keeps hounding me for an interview . She reckons I need to tell my side of the story . " " Yeah . That 's who that was . I went to the pub with her , only because she said it was on her and I thought it might shut her up . " Lucy nodded and looked back out at the sea . She was silent for a while , remembering a younger her and Danny , sat like this , side by side , week after week . It had started the day she had spotted him stalking angrily past in his suit , the day he refused to go to his mothers ' wedding . They had started meeting there every Sunday morning . Sometimes no one would see him all week . He would be like the invisible kid . So oh how blessed and lucky she felt when she was the one he chose to meet with . Most of the time they would sit and not even talk . He 'd never been much of a talker , she remembered . If she wanted conversation with him , then she would have to work at it , and ask him questions , pull him slowly out of himself . She remembered seeing his bruises . Different ones every week . For a long time she was too innocent , too sheltered to realise what they meant . She imagined him as the bad boy they all said he was . Getting into fights and scrapes . Doing stunts on his bike . There was that time he had weeks off school , and the teacher had told them all he had been hurt at the cliff top , falling from his bike . They had all made him this stupid big card , and signed their names . Only Michael , Jake and Billy had refused to sign it , and she had wondered why . Years later she was to learn that he had been hurt at home . Anthony had been arrested for drugs offences . Michael had been going crazy the whole time telling anyone that would listen that Lee Howard was behind it all ; Anthony 's arrest and Danny 's accident . That Anthony had warned him to leave Danny alone , and this was the outcome . Anthony gone . Whisked back to jail for something he had not done . Lucy shivered again , and this time she could not stop . She felt him go to put his arm around her , and she stopped him by pulling away . He frowned at her , his eyes hurt . " You 're not going to like what I 'm about to say , " she warned him then , and he looked even more worried . " But I 'm going to say it . I want you to listen and try to understand . " " What ? " His voice was a croak , a strangled cry . She looked up , right into his eyes and thought to herself , she would probably never say anything so vital , so important again , so she had to get it right , she had to make him understand so that it would hurt him less . " It 's not because of all the stuff going on , " she assured him , placing one hand over his and squeezing down . Her hair was being whipped back and forth by the wind from the sea . She lifted one hand to hold it away from her face . " It 's scary , and I am scared , but that isn 't why I 'm saying this . " " It 's going to sound crazy , but I 've been worried about it for some time . Even before you got out . And the way things have been going , I 've thought it more and more . And then seeing you with her , the way you looked at each other , I knew I had to say it . " Danny pulled his hand out from under hers and glared . " What do you mean , the way we were looking at each other ? I don 't even know her ! " " I know that , I know , I 'm not accusing you of anything . " Lucy searched for his hand again and found it with hers , even though she felt his stiffen under it . " The thing is Danny , we just had each other right ? Before you went to prison ? " he nodded at her , biting at his bottom lip . " And while you were there , I had a couple of boyfriends , you know that right ? " Again , he nodded . She swallowed , feeling a little like she was suddenly elevated to the adult position , and him down to the child 's . " So I had the chance , you see , to experience other people , other relationships , and that proved to me that it was you I wanted . I couldn 't stop thinking about you Danny . It was never going to work with other men , while I still thought I had a chance of something with you . " " Just listen , " Lucy insisted , her eyes on his . " What I 'm saying is I had that chance , to experience other people , to figure out what I wanted , but you haven 't . You 've been locked inside since you were sixteen . You only know about me . You see ? How do you know for sure that I 'm the one for you ? " Danny laughed then , but the sound made Lucy pull her hand from his . It was a brutal , bitter laugh , and it matched the hardness that had suddenly filled his eyes . " You must be fucking kidding me ? " he asked her . " This must be some kind of joke , right ? " " No , Danny , " she shook her head at him . " And when I saw you with that woman , I realised it even more . You need to be single . You need to do all the things you never got the chance to do . Be young free and single , a young lad , all of that . So you can figure out who you are and what you want . " It wasn 't getting through . She could see that now . His eyes were clouded with anger and resentment , his jaw jutting out , his lips screwed tightly together . He looked so young all of a sudden that it was heartbreaking . She wanted to reach out and wrap her arms around him , but she knew that was just another part of it all that was wrong ; her feeling the need to mother him . It was all wrong . " Let me get this straight , " he said to her then , his voice cold . " Because I 'm obviously really fucking dumb . You 're dumping me right ? " " No , Danny , " she tried to explain , reaching for his hand again , but this time it was him who pulled away . " It 's not like that . Please try to listen to what I 'm saying . I 'm giving you the chance to find out what you want . I need to know that I 'm really what you want , that I 'm enough for you , that we 're right together . I can 't get rid of the feeling that you 've not had the chance to … " Lucy shook her head then , searching for the right words . " Yes it is , don 't bullshit me Lucy . You want me to be single ? You want me to go and shag around for a while ? " He widened his eyes , waiting for her to answer . She couldn 't . She was perilously close to tears . " That is what you 're saying , isn 't it ? Because I haven 't had the chance ? " " You 're doing this for my own good ? " he cried , throwing up both hands , and knocking all the chips from his lap . Lucy looked at him and wanted to shrink away . His blue eyes flared back at her , his top lip curled . " This is so fucking funny ! You 're dumping me after only a few weeks . So I can sleep around ? Nice one Lucy . Fucking class . " He got up suddenly then , taking her by surprise . He was marching away across the sand before she even had time to call out . Lucy forced herself to get to her feet and run after him . She caught his elbow , but he pulled it viciously away . " Danny , don 't just storm off , for God 's sake ! " " Why ? What else have you got to say to me ? I don 't think I want to hear anything else thanks Luce . I already feel like a right fucking twat . " " Oh so now I 'm not a grown up either ? " He did stop walking then . He whirled to face her , his expression close to rage . " So in your eyes I 'm not a real man , or a grown up until I 've shagged some random women ? Right ? " " No Danny , no , " Lucy shook her head . The tears were coming now , and she could do nothing to stop them . " It 's more than that . You 're not giving me chance to explain . I just want you to be sure that 's all . How can I live the rest of my life knowing you just got stuck with me ? " " Because , because of all that happened . Because you didn 't have a normal life , when you were a teenager . You didn 't get to be like other teenagers ! " " And that makes me stuck with you ? " He placed his hands on his hips and shook his head at the sand . " You 're insane Lucy , you really are . I thought you 'd credit me with more intelligence . I loved you , you stupid cow . " He lifted his eyes to hers then . " I fucking loved you back then and I love you now . I don 't understand why you 're doing this to us . " Lucy bit her trembling lower lip and pressed her hand up to his cheek . He did not pull away this time . He just stared at her in misery , not understanding . She felt like a bitch and wondered what the hell she was doing . " I 'm doing it for you , " she told him , realising that as she spoke them , the words sounded hopeless . " I want you to be free and find out who you are , and then come back to me when you know it 's right . I 'll wait for you , I promise . " His eyes hardened again . His lips tightened and he slapped her hand away from his face . " Don 't bother , " he snarled at her . " You did this to me once before , remember ? When I didn 't show up to your precious beach ? Ha , how fucking fitting here we are on another fucking beach ! I guess you planned this all , yeah ? Don 't cry . " He placed a finger on her cheek , and pressed down on the tear that lay there , wiping it away so roughly that she flinched and drew back from him . " Don 't fucking cry over it Lucy . You did this before . You gave up on me then , as soon as the going got tough . I forgave you that time , because you didn 't know the full story . Well you can forget it this time . I 'm not forgiving you this time . You want me to go and shag other women yeah ? " He gestured wildly to the beach around them . " Right then . Off I go ! I 'll report back , shall I ? I 'll text you all the grotty details ? Let you know how I get on , shall I ? " " Well you 'll want to know , won 't you ? You 'll want to know who I do it with , and what it 's like ? Hey , maybe they 'll teach me some new tricks eh ? " He stepped towards her again , this time pushing his face right down into hers . " Maybe that 's what this is all about . Not experienced enough for you , am I ? Not good enough in bed ? Or maybe you think I 'm damaged goods , eh ? " " Danny ! " she stared at him in horror . She watched his face shut down . All emotion seemed to flood right out of it . He just looked pale and cold . Lucy stood alone on the beach , her body shaking with sobs . She covered her mouth with both hands , watching him go . He walked briskly and stiffly into the distance , with the little dog hurrying along at his heels . She felt sick . She had known it would go badly , but she had not expected his fury to come like that . It had been like looking at a stranger , she thought helplessly . Oh God , what have I done ? This just keeps getting better and better . This is fucking unbelievable . I wish I 'd stayed inside . I wish I 'd been locked up forever . In a state of shock and confusion , Danny made his way back towards the high street . He felt like he had been slapped in the face . Kicked in the balls . He felt like she had ripped the ground from right under his feet . Why did she want to hurt him so much ? Why now ? In the middle of all of this shit ? She wants shot of me , she wants out , why am I surprised ? Why would anyone want me ? He walked on , faster and faster , head down , hands in pockets , unable to make sense of it . He felt blinded by rage and choked by pain . He wanted to go to the pub and get smashed . He wanted someone to come and have a pop . Get into a fight . His mind wandered back to the previous day . The fight . In a strange and unsettling way , it had been something he understood . Something he recognised . Fear is worse than pain . He remembered how he had figured this out when he was a kid . How it had helped him get through the bad times . How he used to sit and study the pain , remove himself from it , as far as he was able to . He would try to separate his mind from his hurting physical body , and analyse the pain , try to work out exactly what it was . It was burning , or it was throbbing , or it was sickening dull ache in his belly from the day before . Whatever it was , he had worked out a way to get away from it , whilst accepting it at the same time . It was the fear , he remembered now . It was the fear that was so horrible , so soul - destroying . It was the physical manifestation of fear , the spine tingling sensation , of fingers creeping along your skin , then coming to life inside the pit of your belly , stirring you up . It was the same now . The fear of what could happen , the fear of who was after him , and what they might do next , that was a hundred times worse than the pain of having a glass smashed in your face . Danny smiled to himself bitterly , and marched down the high street . He almost stormed straight past Terry 's shop . It was only nearly bumping into a skinny kid with a pink mohican that stopped him in his tracks . The kid staggered off down the street , a pile of vinyl twelve inches tucked gleefully under one arm . Danny peered through the open door , and his shoulders sagged . He wanted to get to the pub badly , but he didn 't want to let Terry down , so he took a deep breath and walked into the shop . Immediately he stopped in the doorway and inhaled deeply , even closing his eyes for a brief , calming second . A smile touched his lips , before fading away again . The smell , it was the same , just the same . Dusty shelves , dusty record sleeves , and the smell of the vinyl itself . Danny looked around him . Another scruffy haired teenager had his back to him , while he flicked ruthlessly through the records . The shop was smaller than Terry 's old one , so it appeared overstocked , almost every conceivable space had been filled with shelves , and tables overflowing with records , cassettes and compact discs . Just then Terry appeared behind the counter , mug of tea in hand , tea stains already dripping down his wide swinging belly . Danny nodded at him . " You look knackered Terry , " he said to his old boss , stepping up to the counter and shaking the man 's hand again . Terry slipped onto his stool . Danny raised his eyebrows at the way his huge body disguised the stool , making it look like he was floating in mid - air . " This is it , " Terry groaned , " I can 't keep up with it , son . I 'm bloody killing meself in here . You 've come to tell me you can start today , right ? " Danny grimaced . " How about tomorrow ? " he asked , thinking again of Lucy , and the pub , and oblivion . " I 've got to meet someone now . I can come in first thing tomorrow ? You 'll have to show me the ropes though . I 'll be rusty after all these years . " " You 'll be fine , " Terry persuaded him . " All right , tomorrow morning it is . I can only offer you twenty hours or so at the moment . Money is tight . But we 'll see how things go , right ? " " That 's amazing Terry , thank you , " Danny told him , and reached for his hand again . He shook it firmly , looking squarely into the fat man 's eyes . Another one who tried to help me , he thought , looking at him then , let me hide in his shop , he knew I was in trouble , and he never asked why , he just let me hide . " This means a lot to me , you know Terry . More than you know . I 'm gonna ' feel good now , you know , with a job to come to . " " Ah , go on with you , " Terry pulled his hand back and waved it at him . " It 's no big deal . I 'm getting old and you were always a bloody good worker for me . It makes sense . " Danny smiled . He reached out again and clapped Terry on the shoulder . He wanted to say more , to thank him more eloquently , more meaningfully , but he knew Terry was not an emotional man , nor a talkative one . Their conversations back then had only ever been about music . Danny still remembered the many times he had crept hesitantly into Terry 's shop , just down the road from Howard 's club . He had started flicking through vinyl versions of his Nirvana albums . Before long he had become embroiled in heated discussions with Terry about music . It had grown from there , he recalled . He would pop in every day . Mostly just to look . To listen to the records the fat man played on the counter . Then he had started to help out , for nothing at first , just to have a place to go , somewhere to hide , and he would get lost in the music , and he would discover new music and old music , and all of it was better than being at home . " I 'll see you tomorrow then , " he said to Terry , and slunk back out of the shop . Immediately he remembered Lucy and felt all of the joy drop out of his soul again . Lucy could fuck off . Okay , that was sorted . Fuck her . What she had just said made no sense at all . To him , if she loved him then she should want to be with him , and stick by him , end of story . To do anything else was just giving up , just letting him know it was all too much for her . He thought back to the day he had mentioned to her . The day he had apparently stood her up at the beach . The night before he and his friends had discovered Chaos for the first time , the club that played their type of music . He had been so determined to go , to go and dance and sing and get high and forget it all . Nothing was going to stand in his way . Danny reached the Olde Inne and pushed roughly through the doors . He made his way to the bar , glaring at anyone who dared look his way , and abruptly ordered a pint of beer and a shot of whiskey from the girl there . They had drunk whiskey that night too , he thought grimly . He had endured a scuffle with Howard in the hallway to get out . He had tried to stop him , but he 'd got away , he 'd got out , and he 'd ran through the night to Michael and Anthony 's house , bloody faced and euphoric . The night had been amazing . Danny sat grimly in the corner with his two drinks , and his dog , and lit up a cigarette . He thought about Chaos now . Just around the corner , only minutes from the bed - sit they had ended up running to . How it had been good song after good song , and he had taken Michael into the toilet with him to take speed again . They had been so high , so happy , so untouchable . But like all things , it went to shit in the morning . He 'd woken up late and run to the beach to meet Lucy , his body a horrible mess from Howards ' abuse , and a night of drinking and speeding . She hadn 't been there . So he 'd kept running , on to her big house on Cedar View . Her big house and her concerned old man , looking down at Danny like he was a piece of shit on his shoe . She 'd given up then , he thought viciously , she 'd walkedHe recalled Anthony , collaring him on the way back through the estate , furious with him for giving Michael speed . Another face , another pair of eyes judging him , looking down on him so he 'd run to the park and felt like there was no point in anything . He 'd sat on the bench and felt like the wind could just blow him away . He rolled up his sleeve now , looking for the scar . He still had it . He 'd sat on that bench in a cloud of self - loathing , and he 'd taken his own knife and slashed his own arm , and that had felt good , that had made him relax . And then what had he done ? He thought back , frowning deeply over the rim of his pint glass . Oh yeah . He 'd wandered over to Freeman 's place hadn 't he ? Because Jack Freeman wouldn 't judge him or look down at him , or get mad at him . And sure enough , Jack Freeman had plenty of stuff over there to chill him out . Plenty of stuff to make him not give a shit about anything . His phone went off then , and he cursed under his breath , dragging it out . It was Caroline Haskell . What time and where ? Danny lowered his pint , thought for a moment , and then typed in his reply ; In the Olde Inne , Belfield Park high street . I 'm there now . A few moments later she replied ; on my way . Danny sat back , picked up his whiskey and downed it in one . He sat and glared at the table , lost in a dream . He felt helplessly entangled in the past , as there it was , all the fucking time , ruining things and coming back to haunt him . He had known coming out of prison would not be easy , he had known it would take time and adjustment . But he had never expected this . His mere presence was yet again wrecking the lives of the people he cared about . Just as it had done back then . He thought then , for the first time , about moving on . Starting anew . The thought appealed to him in a way it never had before . Caroline Haskell arrived just five minutes later , which took him by surprise . But nevertheless , he was relieved to see her . She nodded to him , went to the bar , and then came over with two whiskey and cokes , shoving one across the table at him . She dumped her large bag to the floor , flicked back her glossy hair and sat down opposite him . " Hi , " she said then , exhaling breath , stretching her arms out and yawning widely . " I was close by anyway . Good to see you . " She winced at his face . " What happened to you ? " " Well I might be able to find out now . If you 've got that information for me . Thanks , " he said then , picking up the drink she had bought and tipping her a wink . " Cheers . " " So what are you doing in here at this time ? " Caroline asked , folding her arms on top of the table , and shaking her hair back again . Danny looked her over quickly , before downing the second whiskey in one again . She was wearing her denim jacket again , this time over a tunic and leggings combination . He thought briefly and painfully about Lucy , alone on the beach , and then he smiled at Caroline . " Feeling sorry for myself , " he told her . She cocked her head to one side and her bottom lip jutted out , making an ah poor you face . " Normally I try not to do that . But today I 'm making an exception . " " My girlfriend just dumped me , " he looked at her , lifting and dropping his shoulders wearily . He sighed , and pushed one hand back through his hair . Caroline was frowning at him in sympathy . " Call me Danny , " he said , and shrugged again . " That 's the thing . I don 't really know why . Maybe because I 'm me and everything I touch turns to shit ? " he raised his eyebrows at her expectantly , and she laughed and picked up her own drink . " Oh I 'm happy to take the risk , " she said , taking one sip , before leaning down and dragging a thick bound notebook from her bag . " Anything I can help with ? Being a woman , I mean ? " " Nah , " he shook his head quickly . " Forget it . It 's boring . So what have you got for me ? You didn 't take long . " Danny leaned back in his chair again , slipped one arm around Kurt , who was sat next to him , and drank slowly and thoughtfully from his pint . Finally he lowered it and narrowed his eyes at Caroline . " You think if you give me the information I won 't give you an interview ? " She grinned in reply and nodded . " Okay , but how do I know this information is correct ? I need to check it out first . " " Three addresses , " she told him . " Dennis Howard , Jerry Howard and Jack Freeman . All three men are alive and well . Thought that was what you wanted ? " " It is , but how do I know that 's where they really live ? " Danny decided to play her at her own game . " How do I know I won 't give you your interview , then go to find them and find it 's all crap ? Made up ? " " Because that would be wrong , and I don 't operate like that , plus you could complain about me and I could lose my job ! " Caroline Haskell looked at him triumphantly , but Danny was not convinced . Trust no one , he thought , looking back at her intently , while a grin pulled at his lips . He drank more beer while she thought it over . Finally she took another sip of her own whiskey , and looked at him shrewdly . " So we both find ourselves not trusting each other ? " she questioned . " This is interesting . And probably a sad indictment of our faith in other people ! I like you Danny . You remind me of me . " " You answer some of my questions , " she tapped the book under her arms . " Then you get one address to check out . If it 's correct , you come back to me and answer more questions . And so on . Obviously the interview will be taped . In stages . " " Hmm , " Danny picked up his pint and drank it down to the end . He put the empty glass on the table and crossed his arms over his chest . " We 'd end up seeing quite a bit of each other that way . " He didn 't know why he said that , but he did like the way a bit of colour crept into her cheeks as she smiled back at him . She did the hair toss again , even though she didn 't need to . There was no denying the warmth in her voice , as she looked him quickly up and down again . " Okay then , " he said before he could think about it too long and change his mind . He reached across the table and patted the book . " Fire away . " " Why not ? " Danny asked . " We 're both comfy aren 't we ? No one is listening . You got your tape recorder thing on you ? " " Of course I do . " She looked excited now , he thought , watching as she dug back into her bag and pulled out a neat black recording device . She placed it on the table and pressed a few buttons , before flipping her notebook open . Danny tried to peer at the writing she had scrawled across the pages , but she moved her hand to cover it . " Okay then . We can get started . How many questions do you think is worth one address ? " She looked like she could not believe her luck , he mused then , feeling a faint stirring of disgust , as she got to work , sucking on the end of her pen as she looked through her notes , and checked the tape recorder again . She seemed suddenly businesslike and hungry , like she had seemed on the other occasions he had met her . He sat back and waited , wondering what he was letting himself in for . " That 's the next question Danny , " Caroline had reached out and pressed pause on the recorder . She eyed him suspiciously . " You said five . That 's the next one . " " But what does that mean ? How am I supposed to answer that ? Why do you want to know that ? " He glanced at the bar then , thinking of another drink , and she caught his gaze drifting and got up suddenly . " You want another pint ? Or another whiskey ? Maybe it will help loosen your tongue . If not , we 're in for a very long day ! " Danny sucked his breath in , trying to think things over . He didn 't trust her . He didn 't trust her an inch . Suddenly this all felt wrong , wrong and intrusive , and he panicked slightly , thinking if that was the second question , what the hell would the third one be ? Where was this leading , and what else would she demand to know ? Without waiting for him to reply , Caroline walked briskly to the bar , taking her notebook with her . For a brief , confused moment , Danny thought about getting up and walking out . Finding Lucy on the beach and begging her to reconsider . But then she came back with another pint and another whiskey , and he felt himself weaken , and he realised how regrettably weak he really was , as he picked the whiskey up hungrily and downed it . She sat herself back down , her brow furrowed with thought and concentration . " You want these addresses , don 't you ? " she reminded him , while her finger paused above the button on the recorder . " You want to see these men and sort things out don 't you ? Or have you changed your mind ? " Danny thought about Anthony then . His head bandaged , his life in ruins , as he ran off to try and talk his wife around again . He sighed , held his pint in one hand , and thought of it as a friend that would get him through this , whatever this was . He nodded at her and she pressed play . " How would you describe yourself at age thirteen ? " " I was a little shit , " he told her , his eyes on the table , his tone dull . " If you want to know the truth . I was smoking , I was drinking regularly with my friends . I started smoking pot just before I turned fourteen . At thirteen I had been arrested twice , for fighting other boys at school . I was a little bastard most of the time , especially to my mother . I did what I wanted to do . Is that enough ? " Danny swallowed . His throat was dry , so he took a few guilty gulps of beer before answering . " Um … it was not good . I didn 't like my mother seeing him . I had a big problem with all of her boyfriends , if you want to know the truth . They were usually dickheads and tossers , one way or another . I didn 't think he 'd be any different and I was right . " " Oh okay . Well he was very full of himself . He part - owned Nancy 's nightclub and thought he was the bees knees . He was one of those people who talks over other people , you know , interrupts all the time ? Always thinking they 've got something better to say ? I couldn 't stand him . " Danny rolled his eyes , faking boredom , drank some more beer and carried on . " I thought he was arrogant and rude and bossy , all those things . The second time I met him he tried to intimidate me . " " How ? " Caroline Haskell was staring at him , as if transfixed by what he was saying . He wondered distastefully how long she had waited to hear all this shit . " He just squeezed my neck in the kitchen , after our meal , when we were washing up . Nothing heavy , but it was a warning . He told me nothing I could do would scare him away from my mother . " " Danny I probably won 't use everything you say , " she tried to explain , " it doesn 't work like that . I just need as much information as possible to put the story together , so it 's all true . I 'll let you read the article when it 's put together properly , I promise you . You 'll be able to have say on what goes in . " Danny drank from his pint . He felt pretty drunk now and wondered if it was obvious to her . He shrugged at her carelessly . " Okay whatever . Go on then . " She smiled gratefully and pressed play again . " Me and my friends , " he told her . " We played tricks on my mums boyfriend , the one she had before Howard . To get rid of him . Just stupid kid stuff , so we did the same to Lee . Except mum had warned him about it , so he knew what to expect . We still had a go though . Laxatives in his beer one day . That kind of thing . " " Jesus , " Danny groaned , covering his eyes with one hand and shaking his head into it . " Okay . I think … there was that in the kitchen , and then a few weeks later she let him move in . I tried to kick up a fuss but no one cared . My brother left for University around that time . " He closed his eyes , screwing them up tightly under his hand , trying to remember . " I think … I 'm not sure , but I think it was this time I was in the kitchen at night , and I was getting myself something to eat , because I 'd been like sulking or whatever , refusing to eat meals with them . He came in from the club and went a bit mad about it , saying it was his food , that kind of thing . Oh yeah , I know , I remember . I said fuck you , which was pretty brave of me really , because he was built like a fucking gorilla ! " Danny dropped his hand and found himself laughing slightly , as Caroline Haskell watched him , pen poised above her notebook . He knew he was drunk then . Finding that memory funny . " He grabbed me by the neck and sort of slammed me down on the kitchen table . Okay ? That was it . So it was a few weeks after I met him , when I was still thirteen . Then a few weeks later he roughed me up after I got arrested . " " Fighting at the beach . He picked me up . Got physical . Told me not to tell my mum and he 'd keep the arrest quiet for me . " Danny shrugged . " And from there it continued . He started having lots of fun . Let 's put it that way . " " Ah I wondered when we would get to this , " he laughed again . " I did try actually , once . She didn 't believe me , and to be honest she had good reason to expect me to lie . I didn 't bother again after that , because I was embarrassed . I felt like a dick . I was scared . Take your pick ! " he was counting out on his fingers . " Because he told me she wanted to put me in care , because I was too much trouble , and if I went to care worse things would happen to me , and he could convince her to do that any time he wanted . Because I didn 't want anyone to know , if you can believe that . My friends , and everyone at school , they all thought I was this bad boy , you know ? Tough and cool , all that shit , and I loved it at that age , didn 't I ? Having that reputation . Wouldn 't have been cool if they knew what went on at home . Like him playing tricks on me , making me think I was nuts . " " Okay , okay , " she pressed a button and dropped the recorder back into her bag . She closed the notebook , but not before tearing out a page at the back . She folded this into two , and pushed it across the table . " A deal is a deal . That 's your first address . " Danny lifted his eyebrows , picked it up and unfolded it . He looked at what was written down and thought for a moment . He thought it sounded fairly local . Somewhere he had heard of . The name on the paper was Dennis Howard . He nodded , folded it and shoved it into his pocket . Caroline was watching him carefully , her arms crossed on the table . " Thank you , " he told her . " Probably , " he shrugged and picked up his drink . " So how did I do anyway ? Get everything you wanted so far ? Juicy enough for you ? Leave you thirsty for more ? " He found himself laughing , but was not really sure why . He watched a slow grin lighten her face . " I have to be honest with you Danny , " she said , and drank the rest of her whiskey in one . " Your story has fascinated me from the beginning . I was one of the first on the scene that morning , in Redchurch . I 've always found it an intriguing tale . " " Not to me , " she shook her head , and got up from the table . " I think I 'll have another drink , would you join me ? " Danny nodded . He thought about offering to pay , but she was already at the bar . He looked at the back of her . She had slipped off her jacket , and he could see the neat , trim shape of her now . She looked like she was one of those women who took good care of herself . Her bottom , he mused then , was particularly pert and well structured . Danny was jerked away from his thoughts by his phone going off . It was a message from Michael ; Lucy just phoned me - u ok ? Danny pulled out his cigarettes and lit one up , as he typed back ; dumped , getting pissed now . Caroline came back to the table , this time with a bottle of red wine and two glasses . Danny looked at them in amusement . His phone buzzed again ; where ? Who with ? I 'll come . " Looks expensive , " Danny nodded at the wine , as he keyed in another answer for Michael ; with Haskell , don 't come I 'm fine . got an address . Be home soon . He thought that ought to keep Michael satisfied for a while , and he was right . His phone fell silent . Caroline poured the wine . " I 'm a wine drinker most of the time , " she shrugged . " Don 't think I could stomach another whiskey . Did you know I reported on your story at the time ? " He shrugged . " Don 't know . Just did . So eight years later you still want to know about it ? Seems weird to me . You would have moved on . " " I suppose not . People were shocked though . Not just locals either . Everyone . I was only twenty - two at the time . Hadn 't been on the paper very long at all . I was lucky to be allowed down to the scene . " She flicked back her hair , and straightened up . " I was there , you know . When they brought you out of the house . You came out first , and then the body a while later . " Danny did not know what to say . He drank the wine and felt slightly removed from it all , which was actually quite nice . His body had that fuzzy warm feeling flowing through it . He felt tired and sleepy , and strangely at ease , now that the tape recorder had been put away . " Can 't believe you saw all that , " he said to her . " Weird . " " It was fascinating , " she went on . " It really was . For a fresh faced reporter like me . There was this skinny little kid coming out in handcuffs , covered in blood , and grinning . That was the oddest thing Danny . You were just grinning . " " Yes ! And your friends , Michael and Anthony , and Lucy , is it ? They were all there too , being held back by the police . They were shouting , trying to get your attention . I was overwhelmed really , " she shrugged at him and sighed . " I wanted to know there and then , what the hell had gone on in that house , who you were and why you had killed someone , and why you were smiling about it ! I had so many questions . And frustratingly I never really got that many answers . " " As much as we were allowed . It didn 't really answer my questions though . I mean , it did , and there were a lot of people vouching for you , a lot of people speaking on your behalf , but nothing from you . I still didn 't know why . " He shrugged again . " It 's not that hard to figure out why , " he said , and he watched that hungry look return to her green eyes again . He saw them flick towards her bag , and he wondered how much she would love to get that recorder back out and hit play again . But it was too late . She had used up her questions , and he had the first address . " There have been lots of cases over the years , of abused wives finally snapping and killing their husbands . Same thing . Someone pushes you that far , someone makes you feel there is no choice . Well I had a choice I guess . Me or him . My life or his . " He drank more wine , slowly , watching her face over the rim of the glass . He could see her eyes searching his , he could feel the energy of her thirst and her desire . He waited for what she would ask next . Danny smiled at her . He reached out then , sliding his hand across the table and laying it gently over hers . She sucked in her breath , surprised at his touch . " I don 't ever regret it , " he whispered to her . " I don 't ever regret wiping that monster from this world . It was the best day of my life . " He saw her controlling herself , stiffening slightly in her chair . His smile grew wider . He patted her hand and wondered if she would pull away , if she would recoil . But suddenly she turned her hand up the other way and laced her fingers through his . He realised how drunk he was when the cold November air hit him , as they stumbled from the pub . Caroline hailed a taxi and they bundled in , giggling . Danny did not pay much attention to where they were headed , but it seemed a fairly short journey . The next thing he knew , she was fumbling with her keys , and they then they were in the hallway of her house . She nodded through to a large open plan living space , and kicked off her boots . He wandered slowly through , his head spinning , his mind a mess of anxieties , guilt and excitement . He did not have any time to focus on any of them . He felt her arms snake around his middle from behind , and when he turned around , she pulled his jacket from him and dropped it to the floor . He felt himself guided back towards a lush leather sofa , and watched , wide eyed and silent , as she came towards him , peeling off her dress . " I really should not be doing this , " she said , with a giggle , before pushing him down and climbing on top . When it was over , he thought two things almost simultaneously , as Caroline rolled herself in a throw from the sofa and padded into the kitchen . He thought viciously about sending Lucy a text , telling her what he had just done , and with whom . And he thought , what the hell have you just done , what have you done ? The alcohol was wearing off slowly . His head was throbbing , and so were his balls . He pulled his jeans back on while Caroline was busying herself in the kitchen . It looked like she was making coffee . He found his last cigarette and looked up at her . " Do you mind if I … ? " Caroline smiled at him indulgently . " Yeah , that would be great . " He fell silent then , at a complete loss for words . What could he say ? Why had he done it ? He leant back on the sofa , smoking . Caroline padded back over with two mugs of coffee , and handed one to him . He saw her eyes take him in then , the scars and the marks on his naked chest . He felt sickened again , and put the coffee down to reach for his t - shirt . " Yeah . Course . Just kind of shocked that we did that . I mean , we don 't even know each other . " He smiled slightly , puffed smoke across the room , and looked away from her . He looked at the door , and hoped she didn 't notice . She wriggled closer then , her hair loose and soft upon her bare shoulders . He felt her fingers stroking the back of his neck , and he flinched , it was a knee jerk reaction , but she pulled away , looking intrigued rather than hurt . " It 's okay . Sorry . " He thought about telling her how Howard had always grabbed him by the neck , held him down by the neck , as if that was the easiest way to control the rest of the body , and he supposed it was . And sometimes he had stroked his neck too , very slowly and deliberately , teasing out the tension , preparing to strike harder . Danny shook himself and picked his coffee back up , glancing again at the door without meaning to . This time , Caroline did notice . " I 'm sorry , " he said , looking down . " Don 't take it personally . I was drunk . I mean , I still am . We shouldn 't have done that , should we ? I mean , it seems a bit wrong . " " Well I suppose , " she shrugged carelessly and settled back in the sofa , her coffee in both hands . " But then it 's not like I 'm your boss , or you 're mine , or anything . I 'm not the police either . There 's really no reason why we shouldn 't . You said you were single , and I certainly am . " " How did it feel then ? " he thought he may as well ask her . Their eyes met , and he found hers dazzling with excitement . " Sleeping with a killer ? " " That wasn 't why I was asking . You just seemed so obsessed with all of this . I don 't get why . I 'm nothing special . " " Well I 'll be the judge of that , " she purred , moving closer again , this time dropping her hand very gently onto his forearm . " When are you going to visit Dennis Howard ? I 'm already looking forward to the next stage of our interview . " Danny got up then . He put his cup down on the polished floorboards and grabbed his jacket from the floor . He couldn 't stand it , he had to get out , get away from her . He wondered why it suddenly felt like he had sold his soul to the devil . " Sorry , " he muttered at her , not meeting her eyes as she watched him pull on his jacket and head for the door , cigarette still in hand . " My head 's a mess . I 've got to go . " |
Posted on March 22 , 2012 by Writer Jim Not long ago , a young man of the Riverfolk went to visit his cousins in the Wood . Because he had come such a long way , and because his Woodfolk cousin had just learned the trade of hunting , they decided to go with some of their friends into the Wood , to swim in a beautiful pool and also to test their courage . Three young men and two young women set out on that day . " I am tired , " said one of the young men . " Let us take a nap . " The others realized they were tired as well , and so each found a comfortable spot and rested their heads . But the Riverman could not sleep , because the Wood was strange and frightful to him . " I am being foolish , " he said to himself . " This is nothing but a forest , and these are nothing but trees . " So to screw up his courage , the Riverman decided that he would leave the small clearing he and the others had found . He took three , and four , and five steps , and still nothing happened . " What a great fool I was ! " he said , laughing . " I will hide and scare my friends . Then they will think that we Riverfolk are much better than Woodfolk . " So the young Riverman found the crook of a large tree root , and laid down beyond it . From his hiding spot , he could no longer see his friends back in the clearing , but he heard one of them snoring . But as the Riverman waited for his friends to wake , he caught a familiar scent drifting through the air . " That smells just like the pies my mother bakes ! " And since the Wood held no fear for him , and since he remembered the way back to his friends in the clearing , he decided to see where the smell had come from . He wandered toward the smell until he came to a cottage with the sun kissing its roof here and there . A garden lay beside it , and smoke was rising from the chimney . An old woman stood in the doorway , holding a great pie . Her eyes met the Riverman 's , and he walked into the cottage with her . " Might I trouble you for a piece of your pie ? " Said the Riverman . " Of course , my dear . " Replied the old woman , and she put a slice on a plate for him . The Riverman ate , but he didn 't notice that with each bite he grew much fatter . Soon he was so fat that he couldn 't stand , and the old woman laughed a cruel laugh . " You are mine now , to do with as I please . " " But my friends will come and rescue me ! " The Riverman wailed . " One is a hunter with keen eyes , and another is a wise woman in her village ! " But the woman just laughed all the more cruelly . " The tracking eyes of your hunter will do him no good , and no wisdom in the world can teach where I am . You are mine , and the Elves are coming . " Much later , the Woodfolk awoke in the clearing and wondered where their friend had gotten off to . A few thought to go separate ways and find him , but the hunter said " To walk the Wood alone is foolish . We will look for him together , but we must be back in the village by nightfall . " The others knew the stories of werewolves and evil things , and the thought made them shudder . So they left the clearing to search for the boy . The hunter used the best of his tracking skills , but he only lead them in large circles . " He must be following our tracks , too . We will wait for him here . " And while they waited , the wise woman thought of the stories she had heard . " I cannot think of where he might be . It is like a riddle that I used to know , but have forgotten . " They sat and thought for a long time , until suddenly a troll came crashing from the Wood and scattered them . Each fled a separate way , and by the time the sun had set only the wise woman had made her way back to the village . The others were never found again . Posted on March 21 , 2012 by Writer Jim I showed up early enough to be one of the barflys . I didn 't stick around for the place to get packed . She didn 't let me . I drink whiskey because I like the taste . It 's wet fire that teases you with the smell of wood and the tastes of fruit and flowers . It 's brazen . It 's coy . There 's something undeniable about being in a club that understands that . It 's a club that doesn 't let you in unless you 're serious enough to not to take yourself seriously . It 's a club that makes you kick away the ladder once you climb up in the tree . It 's a club where the prizes you take home are innuendo and a cocksure grin . You can 't match a dress with your hair like that and expect to go unnoticed . You can 't wear those nonchalant eyes - turn that casual gesture - and expect to keep anything hidden . No matter what , you can 't hide such a fundamental purpose . Posted on March 21 , 2012 by Writer Jim Once , a long time ago , there was a girl who lived in a village deep in the Wood . She was a restless girl , who finished her chores early and liked to skip along the edge of the village , near the flower and herb gardens of the woman who lived alone . She was just like you . That little girl said the same things you did . " I am not scared of some old woman . " She said . " I like the flowers , and to prove I 'm not scared , I will pick some for my mother . " So the girl went into the flower garden , and when her friends screamed because the witch was looking out of her window at the girl , the girl paid her no mind and gathered a big bouquet for her mother . But her mother knew exactly where the flowers came from , just like I do , and she threw them out the window . " You have been a bad girl ! " Her mother screamed , brandishing the spoon with which she was stirring the night 's stew . " Go to your bed , and do not set foot upon the ground until I tell you ! " So the girl sat on the bed , crying to herself as the sun started to fall from the sky . After what seemed like a very long time , the girl was startled by a strange noise . She peered over the corner of the bed just in time to see a tiny pair of boots disappear underneath her bed . " Who 's there ? " she said , straining to look into the darkness beneath her . " It is I ! " a small voice said , as a man about the size of a potato walked out from under her bed . He wore small yellow boots , and his clothes were made out of leaves . His hair and eyes were the color of moss , and small butterfly wings sprouted from his shoulders . " Your mother is a mean woman , but if you close your eyes I 'll take you my home , and you can roam wherever you like ! " But the little man just hopped up into her lap and pinched her nose . " Silly girl , my home is big enough for anyone ! Won 't you come see ? " The little girl thought about the flowers lying broken on the ground outside , then agreed to go with the little man . " Take me to you home ! " She said , and the little man smiled and placed a log under the sheets of her bed . " So your parents will never know you have left ! " He said , eyes twinkling . She closed her eyes , and no sooner were they shut than she felt very sleepy , and laid down her head for a nap . When she awoke , she found herself in the Wood . She was next to a well , and the day had not yet fallen into dusk . The little man was standing atop the well , and he beckoned her with his hands . " Come down the well , and you will see my home ! " So the little girl hopped into the well with the little man , and splashed into the water at the bottom . There was a door at the bottom , and when the little man opened it she stepped out into a cozy room with a fireplace and a table with lots of food . There were many strange men and women around the table . Some were tall and some were short , and some were fat and some were thin . Some had hair of many colors , and others had no hair at all . Each wore different clothing , and all of them looked quite silly while they sat and talked . " Why , these are my brothers and sisters ! Come sit , and eat with us ! " And so the little girl sat and ate , and the little man 's brothers and sisters told stories and danced and made the little girl laugh for a long time . The little girl was having such a good time that she never noticed when the little man and his brothers and sisters started to change . It happened slowly , but some of their eyes darkened , and the room darkened with them . Some of them became hunched and their teeth sharpened , and the room sharpened with them . Some of them changed to very strange , upsetting colors , and the room changed with them . But the little girl was having such a good time that she never noticed any of it , because the Elves are such great tricksters . She only learned what was happening when they brought out their sharp forks and knives , and they threw her in their stew pot , and used her screams as a spice for their stew . As a child , he roamed the forest from one end to the other . He would stop when he came to a campfire , so he could talk with the people that lived there and learn about who they were . He loved to learn about people , and in time he knew the names of everyone in the Wood . On his journeys , he met a great stag with long whiskers like a dragon and fur as soft as a cloud . Its eyes shone like stars , and glistening moss that hung down from its antlers . " Climb on my back , " it said to the boy , " and I will show you all the trees of the forest . " And so the boy did , and they ran together over stick and stone . From the stag the boy learned the languages of every tree and flower , as well as the languages of all the beasts great and small . Every animal took the boy as their king , except the wolf , which is too angry and proud to worship anything . Of all the words the boy learned , his favorite were the words of trees , because they were soft and slow and very beautiful . When an animal would please him , the boy would write his name on the animal 's forehead with the words of the trees . " You are my dearest friend , " said the boy . " Thank you for protecting me and helping me grow . " When the boy grew to be a man , he was beautiful and strong and wise , and flowers bloomed everywhere he walked . Elves would come from every tree and pond to trick him , but he was too clever for them , and soon they came to respect him and leave him alone . Before long , the man looked around and said " I have learned everything about the forest , and about the people and animals who live here . I don 't want to leave , but it is time for me to climb higher so I can rule the forest as a King should . " Then he went to the river , and the river rose up to greet him in the form of a great dragon . It coiled like a snake and spread out wings of sparkling water , and river weeds hung from its antlers and its eyes were like two polished gems . " Climb on my back , " the Dragon said , " and I will show you the path to your home . " The Dragon carried the man to the very end of the Way , high up into the mountains , to a long lake that reflected the stars even in the middle of the day . The Dragon showed the man the valley stretching out below them , and the forest beyond it , and " This is your home , my King . We were born before you , but you age while we remain young forever , so you shall be our Elder King . " And the Dragon bowed down to the Elder King , and the Elder King wrote his name on the Dragon 's forehead . And then the Elder King walked to a great cleft in the mountains that was not far from the lake . With the help of the trees and the rocks and the water , he made a great palace for himself . But there was no one for him to talk to in his palace , and he grew very lonely , so he would often walk out into the forest or the valley to speak with his friends . " I love my friends , but I must watch over them , and it is so lonely in the Heights . " And all the animals and trees and flowers and people that worshiped him were very sad , because they wanted their Elder King to be happy . So they searched through the whole forest , and they found a woman who was the most beautiful in the land . She was so beautiful that even the wolves were calmed in her presence , and all things seemed to shine like silver when she looked at them . Posted on March 9 , 2012 by Writer Jim Long ago , when men had only just begun to gather in cities , there were two kingdoms in the up in the lofty mountains unlike anything the world had seen . One lay in a shadowed valley where many sweet things grew , and the other was perched on a high cliff . These were the kingdoms of Winter and Summer . They were ruled by two brothers who had bickered all their lives , using the armies of the Two Kingdoms to settle their quarrels . One year , after a very long summer of fighting , the Two Kingdoms hunkered down to weather the snows of winter . This year , the snows piled higher than they ever had , and many people in the Winter Kingdom died . Even in the Summer Kingdom , where hot springs protected its people from the worst winter 's storms , many people took ill and died , though they had food in plenty . No scouts left from either of the castles of the Two Kingdoms , for no one could travel the roads without great peril . And so it happened that one night in the middle of winter the Summer King laid himself down to sleep . He kicked and sweat through most of the night , and in the quiet hour before dawn he jerked upright in his bed . " Who goes there ? " he bellowed , frightful eyes darting to and fro . " Who disturbs the sleep of the King ? " For a long time , there was no response but the sound of the wind as it rushed by outside . But then , without warning , the great wooden shutter of his window burst inward , filling the room with wind and cold . The Summer King clutched his heavy blankets close , but nothing came of the wind and noise . Some days later , the Summer King went walking through his gardens . The sun was high in the sky as he came to one of his favorite hot pools , where he saw a beautiful woman . She wore robes all of white , and she sat gazing into the pool while she brushed her long , golden hair . The woman laughed at him as the sunlight danced with her hair . " I have seen you all abed , shaking beneath your sheets . You are not so big and brave as you wish . " The woman stood , and her bearing was regal and terrible to behold . " Take care with your deeds , child of Man . " the woman said , her voice aglow with the power of command . " You chide defenseless women for their harmless mirth , and think to raise blades against them . All the while , your brother the Winter King lies at the door of death in his northern fortress . Mend your ways , foolish man , or I and my sisters will take you away into great light and heat , and you will surely die . " " If your brother the Winter King should die by your deeds or your negligence , know that all his folk and all yours too shall melt like the snows melt with the dawning of spring . You have been warned . " The White Woman turned , and all the light in the garden dimmed as she left . Alone with his thoughts , the Summer King hied himself to his castle , there to meet with his council and to make ready his plans . When he reached the great hall , his champion saw that he was distraught , and said " My liege ! Show me the foe , and I will take their heads and lay them at your feet ! " Thinking that the Winter King and his armies had come raiding through the storms . " Fools ! " the Summer King said , his great voice booming off the walls . " My brother lies in his bed , sick unto death from starvation . I cannot sit by and allow him to die , though long have I cursed his every breath . " Soon the sleds flew over the earth like birds , and the Summer King 's laughter could be heard far and wide . They came to the gates of the Winter Castle and smote upon the door three times . " We bring gifts ! " The Summer King cried , mirth in every word . " We bring salvation ! " The people of the Winter Kingdom were amazed when they opened the door , for the Summer King shone like the sun , and his mead glittered like gold as it splashed upon the floor . The Summer King went to his brother , who drank from the Summer King 's own horn , and as he did the Summer King bellowed laughter and spoke . " It is an ill omen that kin should come to blows . Drink , brother ! Remember the summer you have lost , and let us know peace . " And the Winter King piled his own wagons high with the work of his finest craftsmen , and with the written histories of his wisest elders , and set out for the Summer Kingdom . There he met with his brother the Summer King , saying " The land yields great riches when kin are at peace . Take these gifts , my brother . Store them against the coming winter , and let us know peace . " And since those days , the Kingdoms of Winter and Summer have lived in peace in their mountain lands . The fates decide which kingdom shall reign with the coming of each new season , and each comes to bow before the sovereignty of the other . Their lands know great peace , and woe betide any who should seek to disturb them . Posted on March 6 , 2012 by Writer Jim Not so long ago , there was a man in the Blackwood who had two sons . The first was handsome and intelligent and could manage everything , but the second was so stupid that he could neither understand nor learn anything . Whenever people saw the second son , they would shake their heads and say " He will be a burden upon his father ! " The first son did everything around the house and performed many errands , but would never go out at night because he was very afraid of the dark . At night , the family would gather around the fire to tell stories , and the first son would often shudder , saying " Please ! Tell me no more frightening tales ! " And the father would shudder too , because he had scared himself with his own stories . The second son , huddled in the corner , would think to himself , " How sad ! Fear is one more thing I don 't understand . " One day , the father came into the house and saw his second son huddled in the corner . " You there ! You are almost a man grown . You are big and strong , and it is time you learned a skill to earn your bread . Leave this house , and do not return until you have learned a skill . " The second son rose and looked his father in the eyes . " Father , I do want to learn something . I don 't understand what it means to be afraid , but I know I will learn if I work very hard . " The oldest song laughed at this brother when he heard this . " By the Silverheart ! " He said , " Even the trolls are smarter than my brother ! He will be useless for as long as he lives . " So the second son left the house of this father to learn what fear was . As he was walking , he came upon a Priest of Unity who was gardening outside his modest Temple . " The Priest is a wise man , a man who can read and write , " said the boy . " I will ask him if he can teach me what fear is . " And so he did , and the Priest laughed at him . " Yes , " the Priest replied . " I will teach you what fear is if you will ring the bells of this Temple at midnight tonight , when the moon has disappeared behind its blanket of clouds . " So the boy did as he was told , and that night at midnight he climbed the tower of the Temple of ring the bells . The Priest , however , sneaked up the tower ahead of him . As the boy grasped the ropes to ring the bells , he saw of a sudden a white figure standing near the edge of the tower . " Who is there ? " shouted the boy . When the white figure did not answer , the boy said " Speak or be gone . You have no business here at night . " When the ghost did not answer , the boy leapt forward , picked the ghost up , and threw it from the tower . The Priest yelled until he hit the ground , where he lay motionless for a long time . The boy finished ringing the bells , then went down the stairs to look at the intruder . When he saw that it was the Priest , the boy became confused , wondering why the Priest wouldn 't speak to him . He thought for a long time , and when he couldn 't figure it out , he left the Temple and never came back . For many days the boy wandered through the Blackwood , and every night he made a bet with someone that they couldn 't teach him what fear was . Every night they would try to scare him , and every morning they would pay him their money because they had failed . The boy reached an inn deep in the woods , and was about to give up hope . The Innkeeper laughed at the boy , and said " You 've come to the right place ! " The Innkeeper told the boy about a haunted castle not far from there , and any man could learn what fear is if only he could keep watch in the castle for three nights . A nearby lord had decreed that any man who cleansed the castle of ghosts could marry the Lord 's daughter , who was very beautiful . Further , the castle was full of many great treasures that would make a man rich enough , but they were guarded by evil spirits . Many had gone into the castle , but no one had returned . So the boy went to the nearby lord and told him that he would stay in the castle for three nights . The lord saw that the boy was handsome and strong , and so he agreed , and gave the boy wood and tinder for a fire , and a knife to defend himself . The lord took the boy to the haunted castle , helped him build a fire , and told the boy " You must not leave the castle until dawn . " " Too many ! Begone ! " said the boy , and went about hacking with his knife . Several of the spirits fled , but those that he killed he gathered up and threw off the wall down into the moat . The second night , the boy was sitting by the fire and grew very tired . Just at that moment , he noticed a large bed in the corner of the room . He yawned happily and laid down on the bed , but as soon as he had the bed start shaking and moving all around the castle . It moved faster and faster , bumping up and down stairs , down corridors , and through rooms large and small , and all the while the boy laughed louder and louder . Suddenly , the bed turned upside down and pinned the boy to the floor . " No fun ! " said the boy , wriggling out and grabbing the sheets . Just as he did , the bed disappeared . " How strange , " he thought . He went back to the fire , laid down , and fell asleep . So the final night name , and soon a whole troop of dead men walked into the castle , bearing a coffin with them . The boy called to them " Ho there ! I am starved for company , come in ! " As he was coming down from the curtain wall , a tall man was standing by his fire . He was broad of shoulder , with white hair and a long white beard . " You will die tonight , " said the old spirit . " Not so fast , " replied the boy . " If I am to die , you will have to kill me . I think I am as strong as you , and perhaps stronger ! " So the spirit wailed and attacked the boy , and they wrestled together . Soon , the boy grabbed the spirit by his long beard and dragged him to the fire . " If you don 't yield , I will burn you ! " the boy shouted . " Please ! I yield ! If only you will spare me , I will show you great riches ! " said the spirit , the light of fear bright behind his eyes . So the boy released the spirit , and the spirit lead him down deep into the castle . They came to a room with three large chests , each filled with gold . " Of these , one is for the poor , one is for the lord , and the third you may keep , " said the spirit , who disappeared into thin air . Posted on February 29 , 2012 by Writer Jim Once , there was a man with three sons . Each were young men , and one day the man got it into his head to send his firstborn boy out into the woods . His firstborn son was tall and strong , and the man knew he could kill a great deer that had been spotted in the woods nearby , and bring it back for a feast . It happened that as he was walking through the forest , he came upon a stream and decided to stop for a drink . Just at that moment , a beautiful maid stepped out from behind a tree . She was wearing the simple dress of a farmer 's daughter , and held her hands coyly behind her back . The firstborn son saw that this made the girl angry , and he began to laugh at her . " Did you want a kiss from me ? " he asked , making fun of her . " Come here , and I will give you a kiss . " After many days , the man began to fear that his firstborn son had left for a larger village . So he sent his second son out to hunt the deer . This son was even larger and stronger than his older brother , but he was foolish , and had never learned anything in his life . " I will go , father , " said the second son . " But I hardly know what a deer looks like . " After many more days , the man feared that his second son had also fled to a larger village . " You are my last son , " said the man . " You must go and find the deer and bring it back . My other sons have run away . " So the third son set out . He was not as tall or as strong as his brothers , but he was a polite young man , and had learned much in his years . He walked through the forest for a few days , then stopped at a stream to examine some tracks . The Hollowback stepped back and fixed her skirts . " Thank you , " she said , hiding her tail . " You are the brother of the two men who came here earlier . They were hunting for a great deer . Come with me , and I will show you where this deer is . " As they were walking , the Hollowback stopped and turned around . " This is the spot where the great deer will be , " she said . Grabbing the third son 's hands , a great wind rushed up and blew all of her clothes away . The two of them laid down , and after a time the great deer approached . Quickly , the Hollowback leapt up and pulled the head off of the deer . " Here is your deer , " she said . " It is time for you to return to your home . " But one day , the third son opened the door of the cottage to find a baby on the doorstep . He took the baby in and cared for it , because he knew it was his child from the Hollowback . When the baby grew to be a young man too , he was the strongest and most handsome man for many leagues around , and many girls wished to be his wife . Posted on February 28 , 2012 by Writer Jim All souls know better than to journey forth when the moon is dead and the stars have vanished from the night sky . At that hour , the sound of heavenly trumpeting is no call to the paradise of the gods of the treeless lands . No , those horns accompany the hooves of dark steeds sparking fire in the night , and the baying of hounds that man was not meant to see . They are the heralds of the Wild Hunt . They say that when the night is deep and black , some travelers come across an old man alone on the road , holding a lantern aloft and leaning on a staff . " Do you hear ? " he asks , though not even the crickets are making their song . " Do you hear the riders ? All good souls should be indoors at such a time and such a place as this . " Those who meet him and hear his words must heed them , and quickly . Those who do not seek the warmth of the hearth will come to gaze upon the Hunt . It is said to be a great host of flying riders , following a pack of hunting dogs and lead by a powerful man with a mighty horn and a long , cold spear . They ride through all the realms of the earth , through the tangle of the Weald and amongst the woods and meadows of the Blackwood , searching for all wayward souls both brave and foolish . Those that they find on their Hunt are seized , bound by strange cords of spirit , and carried off to the Land of the Dead , from which there is no escape . Of all the tales of the Hunt told across the breadth of this Wood , only one tells of a man who saw those Lands and came back to tell the tale . They say his name was Eckhart , and that he made common cause with a woman of the deep woods , who deals in strange things and follows the Old Ways . She told him of the secret paths that lead from the Land of the Dead back into our Midst , asking a token from that world as payment for her knowledge . This man walked those paths , seeing the Meadow of Peaceful Souls and the Hall of the Valiant Dead . He saw the Dead at rest , basking in sunlight or seated at table , and was wont to join them . He saw shadows at the corner of his sight , shadows that preyed upon the light and made him shudder . He saw many splendid things as well , the golden torcs and goblets and all the hoards of the Dead . He reached for those things , but they passed through his hands like mist , and he saw the Land for a place filled with ghosts and memory . In time , Eckhart found the path back to the Midst . He met the woman in the woods walking down an old forest path , and she cursed him for a liar because he brought nothing back for her . She doomed him to last forever in the twilight of his years , unable to reach the rest in the Land of the Dead ever again . Since that day , he has wandered the Wood , bearing a lamp and leaning on a staff , walking endlessly and warning good folk of the approach of the Hunt . Posted on February 26 , 2012 by Writer Jim Once , there was a man who lived in the cities along the river who was invited to visit his cousin in the woods . The path to the woodsman 's home was long and tiring , even though the woodsman had moved down from the mountains for the winter . Because the snow had fallen heavily all over the Blackwood , the riverman found it very hard to get on , and soon became tired and hungry . When he reached the home of his cousin , he was greeted warmly by the woodsman and his wife . They gave him a place by their modest hearth , and while he warmed himself they went to a hole in the ground in the corner of their hut , and pulled out their best food for a feast . They had strips of salted venison , dried berries from many different bushes , and on the fire was a stew made from boiled roots . Outside their home , a stream came down from the mountains even in the dead of winter , and they had fresh water whenever they wanted . " Aye , " said the woodsman . " We have food to eat , a roof to shelter us from rain and snow , and walls to hide us from the wolves . Trolls do not often come to this part of the woods , and if they do I shoot them with my bow . " The riverman was appalled . " How can you live with such meager food to feed you , and with so many dangers around you ? Come to visit me in my home in the city . If you spend just one week with me , you will never want to return to your home in the woods ! " When they reached the city , the riverman welcomed his cousin into his home . " I live in the estate of my employer , a wealthy prison warden . We will dine in a nice tavern , just down the street . The woodsman had been to a tavern many years before , but it was a small thing along a lonely road in the Wood , and had little to offer him . This tavern was large and warm , with many tables of people eating all kinds of delicacies . There were cakes and roast pork , and capons and bread fresh from the ovens . The riverman and the woodsman both ate much food , but soon the woodsman began to grow thirsty . The riverman called for beer , and when it arrived he only drank a little , since he knew the winter beer was strong . The woodsman had only had fresh water to drink , though , so he thought the beer was a wonderful thing . Soon he was dancing around the room , whooping and shouting and bothering the tavern 's patrons . " Sit down and stop acting like you just came from the backwoods , making such a row and noise , " said a thief who had come into the tavern . The woodsman laughed at him , so the thief grabbed him by his shoulder and put a knife to his throat . " Give me your money , " the thief said . The woodsman laughed . " Your food and beer may be nice , but no man should be thrown in jail because someone attacked him . I 'll take the woods and the hills any day , and you can keep your wardens and your thieves for yourself , cousin ! " With that , the woodsman fled the city , using the tricks he learned as a hunter to avoid capture . When he returned home , he kissed his wife . " Ancestors preserve me from having such a fine home and such fine food and drink . Why I only just got away with my life ! " |
I was born in 1946 and grew up on a farm in North Carolina , with my older sister Sarah and my younger brother David . My mother was a school teacher and my father worked in a cotton mill and ran the farm . We had no close neighbors and were very isolated until we entered the first grade , before which our contact with other kids was mostly with cousins and at church . We did not have a television until I was seven and got a telephone a few years later . Consequently , I knew very little about the world and had no exposure to strange things like flying saucers . One cloudless , sunny day I walked out the front door into the yard . For some reason I immediately looked up and saw an unfamiliar object hanging in the sky directly above the house , several hundred feet up . It was long and slender and without wings , was completely silent , and was motionless except that it slowly rotated about its center . I instantly knew that it was not like airplanes I was used to seeing . As I focused my attention on it , I had a clear sense of mechanical movement inside it , and a distinct feeling that it was not from around here . At that moment my 3 - year - old brother David came out of the house , and I excitedly pointed at the object and said , " Look ! " He look up and exclaimed , " Wow ! " We stood marveling at the spectacle for a few seconds , and I felt that I must get my mother to come see it . I ran into the house yelling for her to come outside and see the strange thing in the sky . She was ironing and didn 't want to leave while the iron was hot , and just laughed as if I was playing a game . I kept yelling until she finally put down the iron and unhurriedly walked outside - no doubt to humor me - which seemed to take forever , but when she finally arrived the object was no longer there . She just laughed and went back inside . I was distraught that she missed the greatest thing I had ever seen , and that she didn 't believe me . That this was a precursor to events that followed may have been no accident . Alien encounters are often preceded by the sighting of an object in the sky , which seems to be a deliberate presentation to a person who is targeted , and may actually be an initial form of contact that is a prelude to further more direct encounters . The purpose may be to focus the person 's attention to establish a mental link for communication and mind control . My sensation that the object was highly mechanical , and of its unwordliness , seemed more like direct perceptions than my own imaginings , and might well have been such a communication . In any case , it had a profound impact on me . I had never heard of flying saucers , as such things were called in those days , but the experience opened my awareness and spurred my curiosity , and alerted me that there were strange things that were utterly fascinating . I never had another sighting , but the event sealed my passion , and possibly more besides . In following years the subject of UFOs became the greatest intellectual interest of my life . I developed an interest in science , particularly in space and astronomy , which eventually led to my majoring in math and physics in college . This was driven by a desire to understand the mysteries of the Universe , which may have begun with this event . One day I entered the house after I had been playing around the shrubbery in front of the house and told my mother that I had just been talking to a nice man . At first she was startled , for our house was isolated , not in sight of the nearest neighbor . But since I had been just outside the living room where she was and she had not seen or heard anyone , she decided that there was nothing to it and relaxed . Later , I could not remember what I talked about with the man or what he looked like , only that he was very friendly and I was completely at ease with him . Though this was an unremarkable event as far as I was concerned , the memory stayed with me afterward . Childhood encounters with strange beings are often part of a series of contacts that continue through childhood and beyond . The beings are usually very friendly and the children feel no fear and have pleasant memories of the meetings . These early encounters may serve to lay the groundwork for the ultimate purpose of the contact , which comes to fruition later when the person reaches a certain level of maturity . Then , the nature and tone of the encounters change dramatically . One day I said to my mother that I wanted to walk to the creek by myself . This was quite a distance from the house , down the lane behind the barn and into the woods , and we children had never been allowed to go there alone . She had always said no to such requests , but much to my surprise , this time she said yes . Excited , I headed down the lane as my mother watched from the kitchen window , and I was soon out of sight of the house . As I rounded a curve just before the lane entered the woods , I was much surprised to see directly ahead of me a man standing in the center of the lane . He stood facing me , with his arms folded , as if he was waiting for me . I took a few more steps and stopped . He was very tall and stood as still as a statue , and did not acknowledge me at all . My surprise quickly turned to fear , for there was something very weird about this man . My instinct was to turn and run back to the house , but I didn 't want to show that I was afraid . I hesitated for a few seconds , then I bravely took a few steps forward and stopped just in front of him . I looked up at him and said , " I 've got to go back to the house now , " to explain why I didn 't continue on to the creek , and turned and walked quickly back up the lane . I was terrified , and all I could think of was getting away from him . When I rounded the curve and was out of sight of him , I broke into a run . I felt a dreadful fear and kept looking behind me to see if he was following , but thankfully he wasn 't . When I got back to the house my mother said with a laugh , " You weren 't gone very long . " I told her what had happened and she became concerned . No one should have been at the creek since it was on our farm . She asked if I knew who the man was , thinking that he might be one of our neighbors , but I said it was no one that I knew . She asked what the man looked like , but I was not able to say anything . The fact was , I couldn 't remember his face at all , though I had looked directly at him from only a few feet away . That he never reacted to my presence and remained perThe implication is that this was not an ordinary man , and the event was a masked encounter . The fact that I had no impression of his face indicates that his appearance was screened from me . Screen memories are a common aspect of encounters , especially with children , in which the images and events that the person remembers are not real , but are substituted to conceal what really happened . Under hypnosis the person realizes that these memories were imposed by some kind of mind control , and is able to look behind the screen and retrieve the real memories , which usually are more disturbing . I now wonder if my desire to go to the creek alone and my mother 's acquiescence were a coincidence . There are many cases where a person feels a compulsion to go to an isolated location where he has an encounter , in which the compulsion seems to be imposed . Could both I and my mother have been mentally manipulated ? What could have been the purpose of such a brief encounter , except perhaps to monitor my reaction ? One day I began to draw pictures of a peculiar device . It was a square box a foot or two on each side with controls and indicators on its face and a curved arm extending from its right side with a round instrument on top , like a gauge . I was fascinated by it and drew it over and over , though I didn 't know what it was . I knew that I had seen it somewhere , but couldn 't remember where . A few days later my first grade teacher had the students line up at the blackboard and draw something they liked . The other students drew pictures of dogs , cats , houses and trees , but I drew the device , and proudly stood by it as she stopped by each student in turn , smiling and commenting on their drawings . When she came to me she looked at my drawing and frowned . She asked me what it was , but all I could say was that I did not know . She told me from now on to draw more familiar things . I was disappointed that she could not see how wonderful this device was . She apparently told my mother , who taught at the same school , who told me not to draw such things any more . One day my sister Sarah came home from visiting our cousin Elizabeth , age 11 , who lived down the road . She was laughing about the story Elizabeth had told her about the boogers who came in the middle of the night and took her away . Although she laughed at the funny story , she said in a more serious tone , " They come and get you - they really do ! " , indicating that Elizabeth thought the boogers were real . " They take you and bring you back . " Sarah , my brother David and I got pencils and paper and had great fun drawing pictures of the boogers , which we drew as black dome - shaped creatures with skinny arms and a large grin . We joked about the boogers for a long time afterward . I was in a room , standing by three or four young adults who were seated together on a bench - like seat . I didn 't know where I was , who the people were , or why I was there . All I knew was that I wanted my mother and wanted to go home . I was crying , and I kept saying , " I want my mommy ! " . A man and a woman were leaning forward trying to console me . They were smiling and very friendly , and wanted me to calm down . I knew they wanted me to stay with them , and I didn 't want to be there . I would not be consoled and kept saying that I wanted my mother . I felt that they were a bit exasperated that I would not calm down . Though this memory was dream - like , for a long time after I found myself thinking that it was real and trying to remember where it had taken place , how I had gotten there , and why my mother had not been present , since she rarely let me out of her sight . It was very confusing . Now I consider that it might have been a real encounter . Abductees often have dream - like memories that under hypnosis turn out to be fragments of real experiences . Interestingly , abductees often report that on board alien craft they see bench - like seats that extend along the walls . The extreme friendliness of the people was similar to the friendliness of the man who talked to me as I played outside the house ( above ) and of the man in the final airplane dream ( described below ) . In some cases with children , it seems very important to the alien beings to gain their willing cooperation , perhaps as a necessary preparation for what will be required of them later . Craig , Elizabeth 's older brother , and his friend invited me to go camping in the woods near our house . I had never camped overnight and was not eager to go with boys so much older , but my mother urged me to go , so I went . We set up camp and ate dinner , then sat around the camp fire and talked . As the light faded I became uneasy , and when dark settled in I became afraid and agitated , and said I that wanted to go home . Craig asked me what was wrong and tried to calm me , but I kept insisting , becoming more agitated . They finally took me home , puzzled as to what had brought this on . My mother asked me what was wrong , but I said nothing . I knew the reason I was afraid , but also felt that I must not tell anyone . As it grew dark , I felt increasingly exposed and vulnerable and became apprehensive that " they " would come and take me . I did not have a clear image of who " they " were , but knew that they were frightening entities who could come in the night and take me away . I felt safer at home with mother . This was more than just a child 's fear of things that go bump in the night . I knew it was real and also that I was not allowed to tell about it - it was a secret . The feeling that I nust not tell was imbued in my thinking and was present in subsequent experiences . It was only many years later , when I began to examine these events critically , that I was able to break through the veil of secrecy and felt free to discuss them . The following event occurred at school and was not an encounter experience . I did not place any significance on it until I read of similar events in a book by Donald Keyhoe several years later and learned that it was associated with UFOs . This happened on two separate occasions when I was in the second or third grade . One day at school the class saw out the windows that the air was filled with long strands that resembled cobwebs , wafting in the wind . When we went outside for recess , we chased after the strands trying to catch them , but it was very windy and , frustratingly , the strands stayed just out of reach over our heads . They seemed to dissolve before they hit the ground , and nobody was able to catch any . Some of the strands were many feet long , and no one knew what they were or where they came from . Some speculated that they were webs blown from farmers ' fields , but that could not have been the case . Sarah , David and I were playing behind the house when Sarah began kidding me that there were lions at the top of the hill , and she dared me to go up there . The hill began a little further back in the yard , where the lawn sloped upward until it reached a field about 150 feet from the house . This part of the lawn narrowed as it passed between copses of trees on both sides , and was not easily visible from the house . Sarah kept taunting me , so I finally called her bluff . I knew that there were no lions at the top of the hill , where we went all the time , but still I was apprehensive that maybe she knew something I didn 't . When I began walking up the hill , Sarah and David continued playing and ceased to pay attention to me . As I reached the trees I proceeded cautiously and stopped about six feet from the field , in which grew green wheat that was nearly waist high . For a few seconds I looked carefully at the wheat to see if an animal was hiding it it , but it looked normal . Suddenly , directly in front of me , in the blink of an eye a figure emerged from the wheat and stood before me . It happened so quickly that it took me a second to take in what I saw and to react . Before me stood a small person - like figure a bit shorter than I and facing me with its feet planted apart . It was completely covered in a close - fitting brown outfit that covered the head as well , and some protruberance curved out from the face area . The little person stood perfectly still and made no sound . When the strangeness of this finally registered , my fear rose to a panic , and I turned and ran for my life , screaming all the way down the hill . Sarah and David were by the house and looked to see what I was yelling about . I fumbled for words to describe what I had seen , and suddenly felt that I should say that I had seen a big dog at the top of the hill , though I knew full well that what I had seen was two - legged and not a dog . I hurriedly ran into the house and found my mother busy in the kitchen , and blurted out to her as well that a big dog had scared mWhen I thought about this experience later , my first thought was that I had seen a dog , though when I pictured the scene I clearly saw a small person - like figure and knew that it was not a dog . But I also knew that when I told anyone about it I should say that I had seen a dog . It was as if I had been given a post - hypnotic suggestion that I would remember what I had seen as a large , frightening dog . For years after this event , I had dreams of the hill as a spooky , frightening place . I later considered whether my sister dared me to go up the hill where she knew someone was hiding in the wheat to play a joke on me . But the emergence of the figure was so fast that it could not have been a person or an animal . I only saw a blur of motion as the figure appeared and became planted in only a fraction of a second . It was so fast that I was not sure that it actually came from the wheat . The brown outfit resembled an environmental suit in which the curved extension over the face could have been a breathing hose . There are reports of landed UFOs and small beings wearing full - body suits , in some cases brown in color . There are similarities between this event and my encounter with the faceless man down the lane . ( 1 ) In both cases the figures stood facing me , completely motionless and silent . ( 2 ) Another person was complicit in my having the encounter : in the first case my mother , and in the second my sister . ( 3 ) In both cases my perceptions were screened . In the first case I had no memory of the man 's face , and in the second my mind conjured up a dog instead of the small being . When we got a television set in 1953 and could watch the single TV channel that was available , my awareness of the world greatly expanded . My favorite shows were science and science fiction shows like Tom Corbett , Space Cadet . I also learned that there were such things as flying saucers , which many people thought were spaceships from other planets , though what I saw on TV was mostly sensational movie previews about Earth being attacked . I was disappointed that my mother never let me go to any of these movies . We had great curiosity about such things , and my sister Sarah and I sometimes talked about them , as in the following event . It was the first of several sightings by her that I know of , which seemed to place her at the focus of this phenomenon . One afternoon Sarah and I were walking along the pasture toward the house , and we began talking about flying saucers . I asked her if she had ever seen one , and she said matter - of - factly that she had seen one on the ground , and pointed to a spot across the pasture by a fence . I asked her when she had seen it , and she told me a time in the near past , some weeks or months previously , I think . I asked how big it was , and she said it was about the size of a car . She seemed serious and spoke as if it was an unremarkable event . Our discussion then moved on to other subjects . One of my favorite TV shows was Science Fiction Theater , an anthology like The Twilight Zone that featured a different story in each episode . I looked forward to the show every week , until one episode made my hair stand on end . In this episode , a prospector went into the desert with his burro , and at some remote location he discovered a crashed flying saucer and a dead alien , which were not shown . In the next scene the prospector was leading his burro with the body of the alien draped over it , wrapped in a blanket . The sight of the alien body in the blanket made me very nervous , and I didn 't want to look at it . I thought that it was a stupid thing to do , for what if the aliens came looking for it ? Sure enough , that night lights appeared in the sky , and beams of light swept over the desert floor searching for the alien . The prospector stood and watched , until one of the beams found him and his burro , and stopped . At that moment my anxiety rose to terror and dread for what unspeakable fate was in store for the prospector . I was most fearful for what he would see when the aliens came for him , which was unbearable to think about . Fortunately , the scene ended at that point . The sheriff mounted a search for the missing prospector , who was never found . I lay awake for several nights until I finally forced myself to put it out of my mind . I made the mistake of telling my mother about how the show had frightened me , and she forbade me to watch it anymore . One afternoon I arrived home and found myself alone . This was unusual , because my parents never left David or I alone without an adult or my older sister Sarah being present . She should have been there , but wasn 't . I felt very uncomfortable in the dark , quiet house , so I decided to look for her . I thought she might be at Elizabeth 's , so I walked down the road to her house , but no one was home . Then I looked around the farm buildings and checked the old chicken house that Sarah and Elizabeth had converted into a Nature museum , but no one was there either . In a final effort I made a circle around the building , and as I came around the last corner I was startled to come face - to - face with Sarah , who was standing with a frown on her face , waiting for me . Where had she come from ? I asked her where she had been , and she said matter - of - factly that she had been up with " them " . She said that they had taken her and Elizabeth up and that they had been flying around . I was puzzled . She did not say who " they " were , but seemed to assume that I understood . I suggested that we go find Elizabeth , who I thought must now be in the house , but Sarah said that Elizabeth was still up with them and that she wouldn 't be back for a while , and that we should go home . She said they brought her back early because I was looking for her . She seemed to be a little put off by this , which explained her frown . As we walked along the road , I wanted to know more , but strangely couldn 't think of what to ask . I knew that she wasn 't talking about flying in an airplane , and that the people who had taken her up were not ordinary people , but I felt that I should not ask about it . She was quiet and subdued , and only spoke when I asked her a question . I only asked what she had seen while she was flying . None of us had ever flown in an airplane , and I had always thought it would be neat to fly around and see the landscape , and I was envious . She said they could see all over the countryside and that they saw trees , roads and houses , and that the view was very Sarah was serious and calm , just as she had been when she told me of seeing the landed craft in the pasture . She was not an actor , and I completely believed her . Like all the other events , there was no thought of telling anyone about this . We both knew that it was private and just between us , and that it was not to be talked about . Years later when I began writing down these memories I asked Sarah about this event , and others described here , but she had no memory of any of them . She was skeptical that it had actually happened , and her response was that she must have been kidding me . I was surprised that she did not remember anything , especially the later events that were fearful for her ( described below ) which I remembered vividly . My brother , as well , who has a good memory for most things , does not remember any of the events that involved him . It is actually not unusual for people who have encounters to forget them soon after they happen . In some cases , an event is remembered at first , but the memory fades quickly , and in a short time it is completely forgotten . In fact , most encounters are not remembered at all until they are recalled under hypnosis or spontaneously recalled much later . This amnesia seems to be imposed by the alien beings . I wondered why I remembered and my sister and brother did not , and how much else there wss that I did not remember . One day as I prowled our local library , I noticed a new book on display . The title was Inside the Space Ships , by George Adamski . I picked it up and realized that this book was about flying saucers . I was amazed that there were such books , and I was surprised and delighted to find that the library had a collection of books on the subject . I eagerly read the books , and a new world opened to me . I learned that many people saw flying saucers and that there was great interest in them , and that the preferred term for them now was unidentified flying objects ( UFOs ) . The books assumed that UFOs were spacecraft from other planets , which seemed to me the only possible explanation . Sarah , David and I were home alone , sitting in the living room . Suddenly , we were startled by a loud noise that came from outside , very close to the house . The sound was a BRAAAAK that lasted for two or three seconds . It was similar to the sound of a large truck engine braking , only louder and more abrupt . This was followed by two more bursts a few seconds apart . Strangely , I couldn 't tell which direction the sound came from - it seemed to come from all directions . We looked out the window to see if a vehicle was coming up the driveway , but there was nothing . We were puzzled , but oddly none of us wanted to go outside to check it out , and we returned to what we were doing . One spring morning as I lay in bed just after I woke , I heard the screen door on the back porch slam shut as Sarah entered the house , and her alarmed voice as she spoke to Dad . She said that she had just been down by the brooder house near the barn and had seen an area where the grass was pressed flat , that appeared as if something heavy had sat on it during the night . Then Dad replied in a loud , agitated voice that he had seen it too , and he said emphatically , " Something was there ! " As I heard them talk , I felt that I must lie very still and not let them know that I heard their conversation . I was curious about what they saw and was interested to see it myself , and thought that when no one was around I would look at it . But oddly , that day and in the days to come , I could not remember to do so . The area was not far from the house , and I walked within easy sight of it all the time , but while nearby I could never remember to turn my head and look at the grass . In idle moments when I was in the house I would remember and would chastise myself for forgetting , but it would always slip my mind before I went outside . Several times while at school I thought of it and wondered why I could never remember . On one occasion , as I rode home on the school bus , I was determined to remember and vowed that this time I would look as soon as I got home . But once again , by the time I got off the bus it had slipped my mind . It was frustrating , and it seemed incredible that I could never remember . Finally , six weeks after the event , I was able to hold the thought , and walked outside and toward the barn , but I felt little satisfaction . I grimly walked to the edge of the field and looked at the grassy area , but , as I expected , there was no sign of a depression , for the grass had long since recovered its shape . I stood and gazed over the field and bitterly wondered why it had been so hard to remember . Sarah and Elizabeth were eagerly anticipating going somewhere , but they did not have to leave right away and suggested that in the meantime we all walk to the creek . This was unusual , for Sarah and Elizabeth rarely wanted to do anything with David and I . Elizabeth had a new wristwatch and proudly checked the time as we left the house . We reached the woods a few minutes later and had walked only a short distance when Elizabeth looked at her watch again and saw , with alarm , that it was much later than she had thought , and that now they were late . Nearly in a panic , Elizabeth exclaimed in bewilderment , " Where did the time go ? " as we rushed back to the house . I was irritated that we had not even reached the creek . One day Sarah asked me if I wanted to walk to the creek . Again , this was unusual for we rarely wanted to do anything together . We crossed the creek and walked for a while through the woods . At one point Sarah was near a field and I was deeper in the woods . I was facing away from her when I heard her call to me in a frightened , shaky voice that she had seen a flash of light in the field . I wondered what would be frightening about that , and thought that it was probably nothing . She was afraid to go closer to the field and asked me to come take a look . I was sure there was no reason to be excited , but walked to the edge of the field to satisfy her . I looked out at the field , but saw nothing unusual . I told her there was nothing there , but she was not reassured . I asked her what she saw , and she said she thought she saw something large in the field and then a flash of light . She wanted to return to the house , and remained nervous until we arrived . I was not the least bit concerned or curious , and thought that she had imagined it . This was the first time that Sarah showed fear in an unusual event . My lack of interest is puzzling , but was typical of my reaction in subsequent events . Perhaps Sarah and I were drawn to the the creek where we had an encounter , and I was following instructions to ignore it . I was sitting in the living room reading when I heard Sarah call to me in agitation from the kitchen , which was at the other end of the house . She kept calling for me to come there , so I reluctantly put down my book and walked to the kitchen . She was clearly frightened and told me that something was in the pasture , and asked me to take a look . I looked out the dining room window at the pasture , but saw nothing unusual . I said , " I don 't see anything . " She looked again and said in a puzzled voice , " It was there a minute ago . " I asked what she had seen , and she said that it was a large object sitting at the end of the pasture by the edge of the woods , which was several hundred yards from the house . Mildly curious , I asked how large it was , and she said it was as big as a house . I thought that was unlikely . I didn 't know what she had seen , but was not concerned , and I returned to my reading , though she was still frightened . One day I was flipping through our World Book Encyclopedia when I came across the entry on Einstein 's theory of relativity . When I saw that it had to do with the relativity of time , I instantly felt a sensation like an electric shock run through my body , before I even read the article . The shock was like a sudden recognition of something very important that took me totally by surprise . Yet I had never heard of the theory of relativity . So , what what was my recognition of ? I seemed to know , somehow , of the importance of the relativity of time , and coming across it resonated with knowledge buried deep in my subconscious . After this , the subject of relativity , particularly of time , became my main scientific interest , and seemed to me like a key to the secrets of the Universe . Some abductees recall being given information about science and being trained in a different form of mathematics , yet they cannot recall the details and do not know the purpose . I was excited to find that our library had added more books by Gearge Adamski . I was so intrigued by them that I wrote to him expressing my interest . In response , I received a copy of newsletter with a personal note typed in the margin by C . A . Honey , who I assumed was his female assistant . Years later when living in Southern California , I attended a lecture by C . A . Honey , then a senior citizen , who said that Adamski remained an enigma to him and that he never knew if the experiences that Adamski wrote about were real . Elizabeth and Sarah were driving home one evening after dark , and as they approached Elizabeth 's house they saw a bright light in a field a few hundred feet from the house . The appearance of the light was very unusual , so they pulled over to the side of the road to watch it . After a while the light went out , and they continued to the house . My brother David and I shared a bedroom . One morning I awoke from a very vivid dream which I described to David , and to my surprise he told me that he had previously had the same dream . In the dream I was looking up in the sky as white airplanes flew slowly and silently overhead . As I stared intently at the airplanes , I had an ecstatic feeling , which David described as being " so happy " . The airplanes seemed magical . The feeling of joy was very vivid and was beyond any feeling that I had in waking life . Sometimes the airplanes passed very close to each other and I thought that they might collide , but they never did . I felt a great longing to see one of the airplanes up close , and wanted more than anything for one to come down and land , or even to crash . We both had these dreams from time to time , and we called them the " airplane dreams " . When one of us had the dream , we would tell the other that " I had an airplane dream last night . " Sometimes we would have the dream on the same night , but usually it would be on different nights , and we looked forward to them . The dreams continued for some time , possibly for a year or more . The dreams finally came to an end in a grand finale when at last my greatest desire came true , and an airplane crashed in the field in front of the house . I was elated , but it turned out to be anticlimactic . I excitedly ran to where it crashed , but when I came up to it I was disappointed to see only a very non - magical pile of rubble . As I looked at the rubble in disappointment , I hardly noticed the tall , slender man who stood beside the pile , wearing a plaid shirt . After a moment when my disappointment had set in , I asked the man , " Did you come down in that ? " , to which he replied in an extremely pleasant , melodious voice , " Yes , I did . " Here the dream ended , and I never had an airplane dream again . I was so disappointed that I don 't think I bothered to mention this dream to David , and he never told me about having another airplane dream , either . Years later I asked him if an airplane ever came doToday , I think that these dreams were projected and were a form of contact , and suspect that the final dream may have been a memory fragment of an actual encounter . Our joyful feelings for the airplanes seem similar to feelings experienced by witnesses who encounter what seems to be a magical creature , such as a deer or butterfly , which enthralls them , but which under hypnosis turns out to be a screen memory that masks an alien encounter . Dad , David and I drove the tractor and flatbed wagon to the edge of a field near the creek to pick up rocks that littered an area of the ground . We had been tossing rocks onto the wagon for a while when I heard David say , " I saw something come down , " then Dad said , " I saw it too . " I was facing away from them , bending down , and I looked up and asked David what he was talking about . David said that he had seen an object descend from the sky and disappear below the crest of the field , and apparently land by woods that bordered the field several hundred feet away . I looked in the direction he indicated , but saw nothing . Curious , I asked several questions about it . He said that it was white , was about as big as a small house , and that it didn 't come straight down but descended at an angle . I wanted to walk over the hill and take a look , but Dad said that we should finish loading the rocks and he would check it out . We worked for another few minutes , then Dad told us to stay there , and he walked across the field and disappeared over the rise . He returned after five or ten minutes and said that he didn 't see anything , and we said no more about it . Many encounters follow seeing an object descend from the sky . The witness only remembers the initial sighting and is not aware that anything else happened or that there was missing time . That we did not see the object leave indicates that perhaps something did happen that we did not remember . If there was a short period of missing time , I would not have noticed it afterward . Dad and I were mowing tall grass and weeds in a back field across the creek . Dad drove the old John Deere tractor as I sat on the vintage mowing machine , pulling a lever that controlled the height of the long mowing blade . At one point Dad stopped the tractor and came to me and said , " I thought I saw something , " without further explanation , and he seemed to wait for my reaction . I had been focused on the mower and said I hadn 't seen anything . I was not at all curious about what he saw , and didn 't ask about it . I only thought it was odd to make such a vague statement . He walked around for a minute , showing uncharacteristic anxiety , then returned to the tractor and we resumed mowing . It was not until years later that I thought more about this event and realized how unusual it was for Dad to stop as he did . I wondered what had caused him to do so and why I had not been curious about it . Dad was reticent about most things and didn 't share his feelings or reach out to us kids often . When David and Dad saw the object descend in the field , I felt that if David hadn 't said anything that Dad wouldn 't have mentioned it . I realized that he must have seen something quite unusual that alarmed him . When I showed no reaction , in his usual reserved way , he said nothing more , possibly not wanting to worry me . He walked around uneasily , as if trying to decide what to do , and all the while I sat on the mower , waiting patiently . Whatever he had seen was apparently no longer there , and he decided to continue mowing . I now think it is likely that he saw an object in the sky or on the ground which , once again , I missed . My peculiar lack of curiosity was the same as when Sarah saw the flash of light in the field , and saw an object at the end of the pasture ( above ) . I went to see the Disney movie Moon Pilot . I was disappointed that it was an inane comedy - melodrama instead of being about space travel as I had hoped , and found the female lead , a skinny woman named Lyrae who had a funny hairdo and spoke with a French accent , not very appealing . . . that is , until she revealed that she was from the star system Beta Lyrae . At that , a wave of emotion swept over me , and I became transfixed by her . My view of her suddenly changed , and I was enthralled by the thought that such a beautiful woman was an alien . When the film ended I realized that I had a crush on her . I dreamily thought about her for several days , and returned to see the movie again . There was no obvious reason why I had such a strong attraction to the Lyrae character , whom I did not initially like . The trigger was her revealing that she was from another planet , which must have resonated with something in my subconscious . There are a number of cases in which a person met a mysterious woman and formed a close relationship with her , then learned that she was not from Earth ( e . g . A Masquerade of Angels by Karla Turner ) . Had I had an encounter with an attractive woman that I did not remember ? When I was in my teens I began to have dreams of lights and strange craft in the sky . Some of the more vivid dreams were in color and a few had sound , which was unusual for me . The dreams were not pleasant like the airplane dreams , but had an ominous , foreboding feeling , and I often felt fear . No two dreams were the same , but several types of dreams occurred over and over . I did not have the dreams every night , but on the many nights that I did , it was a relief to wake in the morning and find myself back in the familiar world , though on some mornings it took a while to reorient myself to waking reality . Some dreams stayed with me for much of the morning , and I had to put them out of my mind to keep from feeling depressed . The dreams continued until I was in my mid - 20s . Nearly all of the dreams took place on the farm and most had a common theme : I was standing outside looking up in the sky , watching and anticipating with a feeling of foreboding . Soon I spotted what I was looking for - lights or objects , usually very high up - and a sense of alarm and dread swept over me . The following were some of the most common types of dreams . A continuous stream of airplanes flew overhead in close formation at low altitude , only a few hundred feet up . The airplanes were military and were all different types and sizes , and all were dark color and were propeller - driven , though occasionally there was a lone jet - powered plane that was larger and lighter in color than the rest . Sometimes there would be a second stream a little higher up , moving in a different direction . The airplanes made a great noise and presented an awesome spectacle . Then I saw , much higher up and directly overhead , several lights close together , moving slowly in different directions . They seemed ominous and I became worried . I knew these lights were not ours ( from Earth ) , but I had no feeling of what they were . I stood watching the sky with a feeling of foreboding . Eventually I spotted one or more strange craft , sometimes high up and sometimes lower , stationary or moving slowly , and I felt great anxiety . In several dreams , I saw a disk shaped object just a few hundred feet above the ground . I stood looking up at the nighttime sky that was half filled with billowy white clouds , with patches of brilliant stars between . I carefully watched the stars , looking for any that was moving . Eventually I spotted a light that was moving , which I knew was not a star , and I felt great anxiety . I stood in my front yard looking up at the night sky full of stars . Soon I noticed that a star lower in the sky to my left was moving . It came directly overhead and stopped , and I saw that it was a disk , very high up , with luminous radial ribs that were spinning . Suddenly , I felt that I was being observed by a cold , alien intelligence , and I was overcome by a feeling of dread . I felt very small and exposed , and knew there was no way I could hide from it . I was a in large room that was completely dark , except that a few feet above my head was a brilliant three - dimensional starfield , like a model of a region of our galaxy . Suddenly , I lifted up into it and began to move horizontally as if I was traveling through space at a very fast rate , and I saw stars moving quickly by me . After traveling for what seemed like a great distance , I saw that I was approaching several planets and knew that I was nearing my home . I passed by a planet with rings , like Saturn , then I saw the Moon looming ahead of me , though I did not see Earth . In at least one of the dreams I headed straight for the Moon , which quickly zoomed in to fill my field of vision , then I was on the surface . I saw myself standing behind a glass - like door in the side of a building , looking out at the stark , airless landscape . In high school I joined NICAP ( National Investigations Committee on Aerial Phenomena ) , at the time the largest UFO research organization . As a member I received their publication The UFO Evidence , which presented the best evidence that UFOs are extraterrestrial vehicles . This document was distributed to members of Congress in hope of stimulating hearings on government secrecy and coverup of UFOs . Unfortunately , their effort was perceived by some as a threat and had quite a different result . NICAP was infiltrated by the CIA and neutralized , and was eventually dissolved . After high school I entered college , where I majored in mathematics with a minor in physics . Though I lived on campus some distance from home , the disturbing dreams set on the farm continued unabated . There were no strange events while I was at school , but several occurred when I returned home for visits . One Sunday afternoon around 2 or 3 p . m . I felt an urge to walk to the creek , and I headed down the lane behind the barn . When I reached the woods I turned left and walked near the edge of the field that was behind the barn . After a short distance I paused by a small tree . A light drizzle had begun , and I stood looking across the field toward the barn , listening to the rain gently falling on the leaves . Suddenly , I saw that the light had faded and it was becoming dark . At first I wondered what was happening , but then I realized that it was twilight . I was confused , for I knew that there should have been hours of daylight remaining . My first thought was that I should get back to the house . When I began to walk back to the lane , I was immediately enveloped by a visceral fear and a feeling of dread . As I hurried up the lane , almost at a run , I kept looking behind me , fearing that something awful was behind me . The light was fading fast , and it seemed to take forever to close the distance to the barn . When I came into sight of lights in the kitchen windows , I felt that if I could only get to the house I would be safe . Finally , I rushed in the back door with great relief . The family was just sitting down to dinner and everyone was in good spirits and laughing . They asked me where I had been all afternoon . Still confused , I could not think of what to say . The conversation went on to other things , and I said nothing . I was glad to be back in the house and with the family , and soon put it out of my mind . I had three or four hours of missing time . Oddly , I did not give this incident much thought afterward , and , as usual , didn 't mention it to anyone . This was the only occurrence of missing time during my youth that I was consciously aware of , and was the last strange event that I experienced on the farm . Much later I realized that the fear I felt then was the same as my fear when I encountered the faceless man at age five . In both cases I rushed up the lane in chilling , dreadful fear of something behind me . As kids we spent many enjoyable afternoons at the creek , and normally felt that it was a safe place . However , I did recall that there had been a few other occasions when I returned from the creek in fear , similar to these two events . I had been puzzled as to why I was afraid , when most trips were pleasant . I could find no reason , and just wanted to forget it . The creek and surrounding woods were the most isolated parts of the farm , and were the location of most of the strange events . It is likely that some or all of these masked encounters that we were not allowed to remember , which would have included periods of missing time . I never wore a watch and paid little attention to the time , so I might not have noticed if a few minutes , up to an hour or so , were missing . |
I had kind of fallen out of my " seeing what 's out there , " phase after so many promising young men just didn 't work out for one reason or another . Plus , work got super busy and I couldn 't really focus my attention on keeping my job AND finding a boyfriend . 2017 had to be different , though . My sister had made fun of me while I was home and when she called me a " spinster in training , " I really didn 't have a comeback . I know there 's nothing wrong with being single , but I still owed it to myself to at least have some fun . At least , that 's what I told myself , even though my version of fun is staying at home with a bag of pita chips and watching HGTV . I will say , my tiny apartment looks absolutely amazing , since my weeknights and weekends in the fall were basically consumed with working out or decorating . But to get back to the point , I was making good on my resolution only 3 days into the New Year . I made arrangements with a nice young man through an app . I decided not to go with WebMatch because even though my membership was free , it made me feel a little better to not be indirectly supporting Mr . Larson . My new suitor , Tom , suggested a wine bar that I had actually been to . I got to the restaurant five minutes early , parked my car , and began fixing my make up when I heard my phone beep . He was waiting in front of the restaurant for me . I don 't know about anyone else , but first meetings still make me overly anxious . I don 't know how people can be so calm about meeting someone for a first date . I can rationalize it , but it still makes me incredibly uneasy . It 's probably why I 'm so picky about who I actually let take me out . The first thing I noticed about Tom was that he looked shorter than his pictures . I was wearing heels and ended up being almost his height . I 'm not a height snob or anything , but it threw me off . I also noticed that he really didn 't look like his pictures . I mean , I found him extremely attractive , but it didn 't feel like I was meeting the Tom from online . He had short brown hair , brown eyes , and a great smile . I didn 't take this as a bad sign or anything , even though I 've had friends who would completely discredit a guy who didn 't fit their expectations , but it 's something I often wonder about my own pictures . I know I post my best ones , but do they actually look like me ? I don 't think I 'll ever know . We sat down at a high top table right in front of the bar and a waiter came over relatively quick . We both ordered wine before getting into the typical , interview like questions you ask on a first date . What do you do ? Where did you go to school ? What side of the bed do you like ? ( Obviously kidding on that last one ) . Tom told me about his job as a conservative biologist . He worked for the government and it all sounded very interesting . It was really nice being out with someone who not only did something he was passionate about , but he was also making a difference . The more he spoke about it , the more I could see the passion in his eyes . After I was about halfway through with the second glass , I started feeling a little buzzed , but it only made the date better . After he paid the check , Tom walked me to my car . I had butterflies when we were a few feet away from my car , wondering if he 'd kiss me or not . I 'd be okay if he didn 't , since he already told me he 'd like to take me out again , but I was really hoping he went for it . And he did . He kissed me softly as he wrapped his arm around me and placed his hand on my lower back . I didn 't even care that we were standing there , making out , in a public parking lot . I didn 't want to stop kissing him . I was excited for our second date . This time , we went out to dinner . Our conversational topics broadened and I felt like we were moving at a good pace . About halfway through dinner , though , I started to feel lightheaded . He was talking about something that happened with his friends and I kept telling myself to just nod . I thought it would pass , but it didn 't . " You were trying to be in the holiday spirit , " Shelby replied as she picked up her wine glass . " It was well intended . " She finished her glass and I saw her pouring herself a hefty second glass out of the corner of my eye . She had a point , but what else was I supposed to do ? I was going home in the morning and wasn 't going to be back until after New Years . I didn 't need a tree rotting away while I was gone . " Enough about me throwing away my time and money on this stupid thing , " I replied . " How 're things with you ? How 's the job search going ? " Shelby took a long sip before answering , though I felt the amount of wine she was drinking was an indication of the answer . " Okay , " she finally replied with a sigh . " I have an second interview with a place this week and I could start right after New Years if things go well . " " That 's awesome ! " I responded with a smile . I was genuinely happy for her . Mr . Larson , the jerk face executive who I first encountered as a rude airplane traveler , had been at our branch of WebMatch in Santa Monica for months now and none of the employees had any idea when he was going to leave . There were apparently a lot of internal adjustments going on in the company that were out of my lower level awareness , but what I did know was that they laid off about half of my department the Friday after Thanksgiving . Shelby was one of the employees to be let go and I felt so awful , while also being thankful that I still had my job . But for how much longer ? " Yeah , " Shelby replied with an unenthusiastic nod . " I don 't know , though . I 've been thinking about going back to school . " She began telling me about how she had always wanted to be a lawyer , but couldn 't stand the thought of three years of law school . " There 's a program for paralegals and I applied this morning . " " So , Larson has been having a lot of meetings with me and Pete . The other day he brought up one of our less than great customer feedback forms . " I paused to pick up my own glass of wine . The thought of the meeting already had my blood boiling . " Why is he saying that he feels like you didn 't take his preferences into account ? " Mr . Larson asked me as we sat at the long conference table . Pete was sitting in between me and Mr . Larson , but he might as well have been invisible , because Mr . Larson wasn 't berating him about anything . " Well , " I began as I pursed my lips . " Most of the traits he asked for were purely based on appearance and I tried to take those into account , but there were also personality characteristics based on the most recent research that I had to consider . " I passed him some of the papers I had with me , but he waved them away without giving them even a mere glance . " He 's been with us three years and while some of those relationships have worked , him and I have discussed that we need to try something different if he wants to find a serious , long - term relationship . " Everything I had presented to him was true and it 's not even like the customer feedback was that bad . He just didn 't give us perfect scores and that was something the customer had written in his comments at the end of the survey , along with excellent reviews about me . " I don 't need excuses , Caroline , " Mr . Larson replied without considering any of my perfectly valid points . " We just can 't keep losing clients like this . The personal matchmaking takes a lot of resources to keep running and if we lose clients we won 't be able to maintain the department . Does that make sense to you ? " " It 's not easy , " I insisted . " But I 've decided to channel all that energy into kickboxing . Plus , I 've started doing deep breathing exercises at my desk . " It was really nice to see my family for the week . I missed being home , but I did not miss that cold . I spent a lot of the time inside with my sister , who was also off for the week . Then New Year 's Eve rolled around . I went with my friends to a catering hall , like we had done a few times already . It was fun to get dressed up and see them . Not to mention that I killed in my crop top and skirt combination . Thanks were due to kickboxing , yet again . Moose was there , though . He didn 't try to talk to me and I was thankful he didn 't . I was so busy catching up with everyone that I don 't think anybody noticed , but I did . He was giving me weird looks all night , but he was also glued to his cell phone . Anna told me him and Jacky had broken up , but he was already back on Tinder . " He 's talking to a lot of girls , " she informed me , without any prodding . " He 's kind of being sleazy with it . " I made a list on my flight back to California . I had to make a conscious decision to make certain changes in my life . Why did I continuously return to the past ? First , I wanted to hook up with my ex - boyfriend and then , I actually did make out with Moose . What was wrong with me ? But these were mistakes , I told myself . I was making some concrete efforts to move forward . After all , I had been on two , successful dates with Chris . I was really getting along with him and he was great on paper , so that was a start . My face scrunched up . Maybe I was still worked up from the weekend . Maybe I was primed to stand up for myself because I wanted to listen to that podcast . Maybe it was the glass of wine I had at the beginning of the flight . I can 't tell you exactly what gave me more courage that day , because normally I would 've kept my mouth shut , but I did not . " Maybe you should watch where you 're going , " I scoffed as I turned my attention back to my notebook . There was now a big , misplaced line right across all my ambitions . I actually thought the irony was comical . I heard the man mumbling as he continued on his way . The only words I could clearly make out were " entitled , " and " millennials . " I didn 't care , though . I wouldn 't normally think twice about an interaction with a rude stranger like this . But I did think about it again . I thought about it the next day when I went into work . Pete was leaned up against my cubicle with a large cup of coffee . " Morning , New York , " he greeted me . I threw my bag under my desk and turned to look at him . " You 're here early , " I replied as I rubbed my eye . The jet lag was real . " Yeah , well , we have a big shot in today . " Pete took a sip of coffee as he turned and pointed to the conference room . There , through the glass walls , I saw my friend from the plane . He was standing in the front of the room with a bunch of department heads seated at the table . I looked down and began playing with my cuticles . I decided not to share my story with Pete at that exact moment . No need to have two worriers . Pete began explaining the situation to me . I was half listening as he told me that the company had a lot of adaptations and innovations in the works . I knew he had been to New York a few times over the past few months , but he was always very hush hush about it . He went on and on for a while and I got the impression that he had been wanting to share this secretive transition with me for a while . It was easy to take my mind off the upcoming meeting . I had so many emails , so I kept my head buried . I didn 't even realize it was lunch time until Pete came over and knocked on the wall of the cubicle . I looked up and he was shaking a small pizza box . I followed him into his office and realized how hungry I was once I smelled the thin crusted pizza . I began scarfing it down as Pete went over some numbers he wanted me to know . We continued until it was almost 3 . I would 've been nervous even if I hadn 't already interacted with this guy . Once Pete went over everything with me , I started to really realize how important this meeting was not only for my job , but for the company . I had made a decision , though . I was going to pretend like I didn 't even recognize him from the plane . After all , maybe he didn 't see my face . Maybe if I talked in a bit of a lower tone of voice , he wouldn 't even make the connection . With his attitude and sense of importance , he probably had hostile encounters all the time . I took a deep breathe as I followed Pete out of his office . I happened to look down and catch a glance at his cute butt as we walked out . It actually made me feel a little better . Mr . Larson 's eyes met my eyes and I channeled all my energy into a strong poker face . His face was blank for a couple of seconds , but it felt like a full minute , before he finally said , " Hello , Caroline . It 's nice to meet you . I 've heard a lot of good about your department . " If you had told me that this was ever going to happen at any point over the last three years , I would 've told you that the ship had sailed . The sexual tension was just something we had grown to live with . Anna used to say we were " like Ross and Rachel , " but I knew this simply wasn 't the case . It was strange that my shirt was already off ; not typically how my make out sessions begin . I was surprised that Moose was such a good kisser . He was always so awkward around me , so I assumed his lips would follow a similar pattern . I was pleasantly surprised . It didn 't take long for Moose to start kissing my neck and slowly making his way down to my chest . He was about to take off my bra when I realized I was making a mistake . Kissing was one thing ; we both wanted it , on some level , for a long time . But I felt going further , especially with me flying back to California after the weekend , would be regrettable . " Moose , " I said as I put my hands low on his shoulders . He didn 't stop kissing me right away . " Moose , " I said again . This time louder and without any sort of wanting in my voice . He lifted his head and made eye contact with me . Moose nodded . I have to say I was a little surprised , and even offended , that he agreed this was a mistake . Since when was Moose so level headed ? I put on a blue shirt from Moose 's drawer and made my way downstairs . Moose told me he would follow me in a few minutes . I don 't know why , but I took a few steps toward him , got on my tippy toes , and kissed him . It felt like I was ending something that had just started , even though I knew we couldn 't really be together . I rolled my eyes . " Yeah , right , " I responded to her judgmental look . I felt bad lying to Anna , but it was best if we just pretended this never happened . " Everybody should come , " Jessica said , opening up the invitation to the whole group . A few of the guys were for it , but I noticed Moose was quiet . Jessica noticed , too . " What about you , Moose ? " " Oh , you got fun plans on a Wednesday night ? " I asked . I understood that Moose was awkward , but I didn 't want him to start avoiding me because of one drunken make out session . " Moose 's girlfriend , " Anna replied before taking a sip of her beer . She answered the question like it was nothing and of course , to her , it was common knowledge . Knowledge that had no sort of importance on this very night . But to me , I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up onto the fire . How could Moose have a girlfriend and not tell me ? How could he cheat on her with me ? Did he honestly think I wasn 't going to find out ? Even if I hadn 't found out tonight , I would have eventually found out . I wasn 't even home before I got a text from Moose . It just said , " I had a great time tonight . " Then he sent a follow up text . " Sorry . " Moose 's Barbecue I went to Moose 's barbecue with Jessica , Darlene , and Anna . The old group was back together . I immediately felt guilty when catching up with Jessica and Darlene , though . I regularly texted them , but I still felt like I could make more of an effort to keep up with their lives . Darlene had started a completely new job and I wasn 't even aware of it , while Jessica was seriously dating an old flame from high school . I couldn 't believe how disconnected I felt from everything . I still really missed home , but I did love California . We got to Moose 's house around 8 o ' clock , but before we even opened the gate , we could hear that things were getting rowdy . Guys were yelling about something . Once we had a visual , we learned it was over a game of beer pong . Typical . It had been an insanely long time since I had seen Moose . He had grown out his hair a little bit and had a beard . Moose 's appearance seemed to fluctuate with the seasons , where sometimes he looked disheveled and other times he looked very put together . The summer had apparently been good to him . He was wearing a shirt with no sleeves and I could see that his arm muscles were looking pretty large . He had his long hair combed and his beard at the perfect length . I didn 't want to admit it , but Moose was looking good . I knew that he had broken up with Beth , his somewhat serious girlfriend , last year , even though I wasn 't sure of their status at my Fourth of July barbecue . I later found out , via Facebook of all places , that they were no longer together and I never really got the details on what happened there . I know they had their problems , but they both seemed pretty committed to making things work . I never really figured out what happened there . Again , I made a mental note to be a better friend . We all began drinking and I spent time catching up with everyone separate . I got to see everyone on a regular basis when I lived on Long Island , especially right after college , but so many of my friends had different things going on now . One was getting his PhD in Washington , D . C . while another was going to law school in Philadelphia . Moose and I barely talked all night . I don 't know if I was so occupied with everyone else or if he was purposely avoiding me , but the longer we went without really talking , the more awkward I knew our encounter would eventually be . The continuous beer drinking helped . I rolled my eyes before looking down at my shirt . " Well , dude , you also made me spill beer all over my shirt . Not cool . " It wasn 't that bad , but it was substantial enough to be annoying . I smiled at that and scurried inside . There was a particular t - shirt that Moose had since high school that I always tried to take from him . It was just of our old school mascot , but I always joked that it was my favorite . He never let me anywhere near it , but now I had free range of his room . I opened his drawers until I found the t - shirts and then began scurrying . It took me a few minutes , but I found it . I drunkenly began pulling my light t - shirt over my head and then went to lay it over Moose 's desk chair so it could begin to dry . As I was doing so , I saw a few framed pictures sitting on his desk . I noticed one , towards the back , of me and him . It was a few summers ago and I 'm holding his arm , smiling for the picture , while he 's looking down at his phone with a stupid smirk on his face . It was actually a pretty cute picture and it reminded me of the genuine friendship we used to have , before things got kind of complicated . " What 's taking . . . " I was startled again at the sound of Moose 's voice , but this time was worse . " Oh , " I replied quickly as I held the t - shirt over my chest . I was standing there in just a bra and jeans when I turned to face him . " Sorry , I 'm coming right down . " Moose turned bright red and began stuttering an apology . " I just , sorry , um , I 'll just . . . " As he went to walk out , he stopped . Then he turned around . He didn 't seem mortified anymore . Neither of us said another word . Moose suddenly leaned down and kissed me . To my surprise , I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him back . We talked about our jobs , our families , and the activities we liked to do on weekends . Normal first date stuff . He was a nice enough guy , but we didn 't seem to really connect . He must have felt that also , because I he didn 't text me after that night and I was kind of relieved . My second date was a disaster . The guy talked way too loud and monopolized the conversation with stories about his trips to Comic Cons all over the country . I didn 't even mind this nerdy characteristic , but I was barely able to talk at all . I couldn 't wait for it to be over . How did I ever think this guy would be a good fit for me ? Even though he hadn 't picked up on my disinterest before he tried to kiss me , he sure picked up on it then . He scoffed at me before storming off in the opposite direction . I bought myself an ice cream cone for comfort . I guess you could say the third time 's a charm , because I was completely swooning over my third guy . The conversation over coffee seemed to flow effortlessly . I felt like he actually understood my weird jokes and I actually felt comfortable telling a few of those weird jokes because he seemed to be my right amount of weird . But a couple days passed and I didn 't hear from him . I was disappointed , but decided that there was nothing wrong with me checking in with him . Maybe I had done something that made him feel I wasn 't interested ? Well , all right then . I almost wanted to text him and ask what I had done . You know , just for research purposes . I used to focus on research in my graduate work , after all . Instead , I called Anna . " That sucks , Caroline , " she replied after I told Anna about the date along with my desperate move . " But just think about how many matches you have . You 'll forget about him . " This fourth date , right at the end of the summer , was where I found true success . " Caroline , I 'd love to see you again . Are you free for dinner some time this week ? " " Me too , " Chris replied . Then , I thought he was going to kiss me , but instead he pulled me in for a hug . I reminded myself that , according to research at WebMatch , not kissing on the first date is associated with the relationship going somewhere . I am such a nerd . Chris and I got dinner on the Wednesday before Labor Day weekend . I was flying home the next morning so I was glad we were able to arrange it . I found out more about Chris , including the exact type of law that he practiced and that he attended improv classes in his spare time . We had another great night together and this time , I got my kiss . I didn 't want to get my hopes up too soon , but I was pretty pumped to be heading home with some sort of success story . Since I already had Labor Day off , I was going home for a week . Moose was having a barbecue and some of my mom 's family would be in town for a wedding . There were so many people I hadn 't seen in so long . My sister picked me up from the airport and then I treated her to dinner . She filled me in on all the family gossip . We talked on the phone fairly regularly , but we have a big family so I missed a lot . " What do you want for breakfast ? " He asked as he turned away from me and swung his legs over the bed . He started putting on his sweatpants . That was the type of relationship Mike and I had . We were young ; kids , really . While I always thought people only described themselves as kids during their high school relationships , I can honestly look back at my relationship with Mike in a similar fashion . Maybe that 's because it was my first real relationship . He was my first true love . I also look back and realize how little we knew about life . We knew so little about love and relationships . I often think that if I met Mike for the first time now , we 'd be together . This time , though , it would actually work out . But all that was in the past . We couldn 't go back to what we once were , even if we did get back together . So as that memory went through my mind , I had to remind myself that it happened four years ago . It didn 't have anything to do with the people we were now . " You 're a really great girl , Caroline . " That 's what Mike had just said to me before I leaned in towards him . I wasn 't exactly going in for the kiss , but rather giving him the green light . But he returned my " go ahead " with a stop sign . I took a deep breathe before standing up and walking over to the drinks . Mine wasn 't empty but I knew I 'd need more . Anna showed up a few minutes later . " You didn 't have to do that , Anna , " I began . " Besides , I don 't think Mike wanted any alone time with me . " Then I told Anna about my embarrassing rejection . " Can I just talk to you for a second ? " Mike asked . Anthony started asking Anna a question as he guided her over to the window . Apparently Mike had an ally in this war , too . " We 're cool , Mike . I 'm sorry about before , " I began . I thought I could stop this humiliating conversation before it even started . " No , no , don 't apologize , " he insisted . " I just wanted to let you know , it 's not that I didn 't want to , or that I haven 't thought about , or that I don 't consider it . " His thoughts weren 't cohesive , but I knew exactly what he was saying . He took a deep breathe . " It 's just , I started something kind of new back home . I don 't know if it 's even going anywhere . I mean , it wouldn 't even be cheating . But I wouldn 't want to do that to you . If anything happened here , " he said as he motioned repeatedly from me to him . " I don 't want you to see anything on social media in a few weeks , if that even happens , and think that I did something shady . And I definitely don 't want to lead you on . I mean , if you were back home , it 'd be different . Maybe . " I nodded through all of Mike 's chatter . " I get it , " I said as I put my hands out and onto his . " It wouldn 't have been a good idea regardless . " I reached out and gave Mike a hug . It was one of those long hugs that neither person wants to end because you know it might be the last one . I didn 't cry at all that weekend . I didn 't cry until I got home from going with Anna to the airport . Everything hit me and I had nothing to distract me . I was lonely here in California . I went from being around family and friends in New York to being completely on my own . I also went from having being with Scott , somebody that I genuinely fell in love with , to having to end things with him . Mike was a reminder of everything I had back at home . I wasn 't upset about seeing him and being rejected . We had closed that door a long time ago . But it was time that I started making a real life for myself here . I had been living in California for about a year . I loved my job and Santa Monica had grown on me , so there was no reason for me to keep living like a visitor in my own city . |
31st October 2010 written by Ilana We arrived in a small village with a few tiny shops . The driver told us this was Tangkahan , so we got out of the car and said our goodbyes . We went through a small hut and saw that on the other side was a river . In order for us to reach our jungle lodge , appropriately named " Jungle Lodge " we would have to cross this river on a " ferry . " The ferry was a wooden raft with a little hut over it to shade the passengers . The river was pretty narrow , so the ferry ride only took a few minutes . We took the ferry , climbed off , and climbed up many stairs and through a jungle - y path to reach our lodge . There was much confusion and quite the language barrier . It seemed the Alex who I emailed with was maybe in Germany … In any event , he was not in the jungle . We were eventually led to a hut overlooking more jungle and a part of the river . I stood on the balcony and looked around . It seemed we were literally in the middle of nowhere . There was no electricity when we arrived ; it only went on from around 6 - 11 pm from a generator . This worked out well for Shabbos , because we could just leave the lights on and they would automatically shut off at 11 . I knew that there were a few things to do in Tangkahan - there were elephant treks , which we would do on Sunday , and there was some waterfall somewhere and hot springs . I went back into our hut and remembered that I was sweating through all of my clothes . It was so damn hot . There was no fan , and even if there was , there was no electricity so it wouldn 't really help me . We decided that since we had at least an hour or so before Shabbos we would try to find out where this waterfall was , and maybe stick our heads under it , and then we would at least we would know where to go to cool off on Shabbos . We walked back into the lodge area and I tried to communicate to the folks chilling there that we wanted to know where the waterfall was . Again , my words were met with blank stares . I saw that on the wall there were pictures of a waterfall . I pointed at the picture . " WATER - FALL . " I said , slowly and loudly . God , I hate myself when I talk like that . But on the other hand , locals never seem to understand me when I don 't speak in my slow loud I 'm - communicating - with - a - non - English - speaker voice . But still , I feel like such a tool . Anyway , the message was understood , and a guy started walking . We guessed we were meant to follow him . He was wearing jeans and a t - shirt , and Bloom and I were also wearing our clothes , since we assumed that someone would just explain where the waterfall was and then we would briefly check it out before going back to our hut and showering for shabbos . We followed the guy through the jungle , down some stairs and then he proceeded to walk into the river in his clothes . He motioned for us to follow him . Alright . It was so hot anyway , I guess it didn 't matter that I was about to walk into a river fully clothed . I was freaking out a bit as we climbed over slippery stones and I thought about how my near - drowning the day before . Whatever , it was too hot to be afraid , and this guy kept on walking , so we kept on following him . We walked past something that looked like a cross between a crocodile and a snake . " What the hell is that ? ? " I asked , alarmed . The guy laughed at me , and kept walking . " It 's a monitor , " Bloom said . What on earth is a monitor ? ? I stared at it and kept walking . After a few minutes he climbed over some very large rocks and held my hand as I struggled up the rocks . Then we saw the waterfall which was up quite a few more large slippery rocks . The guy climbed up those rocks as if he was climbing a normal , dry staircase . He then went and sat under the waterfall as the water pounded down on his head . I was wet enough . I was too scared to climb up more slippery rocks . How would I get down ? I was already cooling off since I was standing in water up to my waist , so I figured I didn 't really need to climb under a waterfall . Good , so now we knew where the waterfall was . And it was only a few minutes walk from our hut . " HOT SPRINGS ? ? " I asked the guy loudly and slowly . Ugh , again , I hated myself as I spoke . He seemed to understand and he bounded down the river , as again we followed him . We waded toward the direction of our hut , and then the guy started swimming across the river . He motioned that we had to swim across to get to the hot springs . It 's one thing to wade through waist high water , but it is quite another to actually swim across a river fully clothed , the day after the near drowning . No . Bloom swam across . I then watched as Bloom and the guy climbed behind a rock and then I couldn 't see them . Eventually , Bloom came back over the rock and yelled across the river to me , " it 's really good here ! Come across ! " After much back and forth , and me acting like a complete baby , Bloom agreed to swim me across the river . Yes , I admit , it is very very lame to be swam across a small river instead of swimming myself , but alas , that is what was done . We got to the other side , and the hot springs were indeed really good . In fact , this whole place was pretty good . True , it was the middle of the jungle and we had yet to see more than 4 people in the whole place , but it was kind of nice that way . Creepy , but nice . We had our own private river , hot springs , waterfall and jungle . We ate dinner at our lodge that night , which was beautiful and was basically a large open air gazebo overlooking the river . Dinner was basically a war of who could get to our food first , us or the mass line of ants marching across the table . It was pretty dark , and I tried not to think about what the odds were that I had eaten an ant over the course of the meal . Eventually I must have fallen asleep , because the next thing I knew I was awoken by a scratching noise , which I tried to ignore , but then I heard a loud " HISSS . " I looked next to me and realized that Bloom had made the hissing noise . The scratching stopped . Oh my god . " Bloom , what are you doing ? ? " It was so dark that I couldn 't even see Bloom next to me . Like idiots , since it was shabbos , we didn 't even have our flashlights anywhere near us . I was freaking out . " What 's in here ? Is it a monkey ? ? " I love to look at monkeys . From afar . I am terrified of them . They look and act too much like humans to be trusted . I feel like a monkey would stab me in the back any day . I also suspect that there will come a time in this trip when I have a physical fight with a monkey . I have been careful so far , and have backed away and behind closed doors when monkeys have come near me , but I know that eventually the monkeys will catch up with me , and if we don 't have a physical fight , at the very least it will steal my camera or something else valuable and then laugh in my face . " I don 't think it 's a monkey , " Bloom said . " It might not even be in here . It sounded like it was biting through the wood of the floor or the door or something . " UGH . Repulsive . Maybe a small hut in the middle of the jungle with no electricity or people was not the best place after all . I turned on the indiglo light on my watch to try to see Bloom 's face . He got out of the bed and wandered around the hut . I was freaking out . What if the animal was right next to the bed ? What if it was in the bed ? What if it actually was a monkey ? ? I couldn 't see a thing , so I just kept holding down the indiglo light on my watch . How could I care about shabbos when a rabid monkey was potentially on the loose in my bed ? ? And Bloom was out in the room wandering around doing God knows what . I kept shining my watch on him , but I 'm not sure it really helped . After quite some time he came back to bed , but this time I really couldn 't sleep . I kept imagining things crawling all over me , or hearing scratching on the floor , and then Bloom would hiss again to quiet down the creature . " Bloom , maybe we should just try to get out of here right after shabbos , maybe we should forget about the elephants . I 'm really creeped out here . " I dozed in and out until at some point I woke up and saw that I could see . The sun was out . We had made it through the night with no monkey bites ! Hooray . In the light of day I looked around and realized what an idiot I had been at night . There was nothing to fear . It was completely safe here . Bloom looked through our bags and discovered that one of his infamous banana 's had been eaten . So there was an animal inside the room . Ew . I tried not to think about it . At night Bloom and I both had a hard time sleeping . We thought that the animal had perhaps come into the hut through the drain in the bathroom , so bloom filled a bucket with water and put it over the drain , he also locked the bathroom door . It was still creepy . Eventually I fell asleep , but I was again awoken by Bloom shining his flashlight all over the walls and floor of the hut . " There 's nothing we can do , just stay here and go back to sleep " I said to him , as he started climbing out of bed . He did not listen , and he spent a while wandering the room , shining his flashlight all over the place trying to find the creature . We woke up the next morning and got ready to see some elephants , and tried to forget about the creature of the night . We crossed the river on the " ferry " again and were surprised to see many Indonesian families walking down to the river carrying coolers and food . We were no longer alone in the jungle . We walked for a while until we some elephants hanging out by the side of the road . We watched as their mahouts ( elephant driver ) rode them down to the river to bathe them . It was awesome . I had read somewhere that Tangkahan is a relatively new tourist destination ( even though we only saw a few tourists there are still 4 guesthouses there which means it does cater to holding a few tourists ) , and a few years ago the whole area was in danger of being completely logged . The locals got together and decided to protect the area and turn it into a tourist destination or something like that … Anyway , the elephants are used to patrol the area and make sure loggers don 't come in and illegally chop down the trees . So the elephants were being used for a good cause . We bathed and fed the elephants and saw the newborn baby elephant who was adorable . We were joined by a Japanese family and we all set off to ride the elephants for an hour through the hills of the jungle . It was a pleasant morning . The only unpleasant part was when we got back to our hut and realized that the bucket covering the drain had been moved the night before , and that the creature of the night was still hunting us . Ugh . We would deal with that later , I guess . We spent the rest of the day swimming in the river with the locals . A girl swimming in her underwear swam up to me . " HELLO ! What is your name ? ? " She laughed and swam around , and then told me her name was SIska , and that she 's seven years old . " Do you like visit Tangkahan ? " I told her I very much enjoyed Tangkahan , and praised her English skills . She then decided to swim underwater toward me for a while , before getting bored and swimming to the hot springs to fill a water bottle with water from the hot spring to then pour all over me and her brother . We asked anyone some of the locals when the bus was leaving the next day . We received many responses . " Bus at 6 , 7 and 2 , " " Bus at 6 : 30 and 8 : 30 , " " Bus only at 7 : 30 , " " maybe only one bus tomorrow at 6 ? " Whaaaat . There was definitely no such thing as a bus schedule here , so we were not quite sure how to move forward with this one . We went back to our lodge and asked them about the buses . We were mostly met with blank stares yet again , until one guy who sort of knew English came by and declared that the bus was at 7 . " Ok so we want to take that bus , " I told him . " No can take that bus " he responded . Hmm . We weren 't quite sure what to do now . We headed back down the steps toward the river when a man approached us and said " need transport ? " We explained that maybe we did need transport , but really we just wanted to take the ( cheap ) local bus to Medan , but weren 't sure how to get across the river in time for the 7 o ' clock bus . " Maybe no 7 o ' clock bus " he told us , " maybe only 5 : 30 morning bus . " Whaaaat . Where was 5 : 30 coming into this whole plan ? This was a new one . The man introduced himself as Mega , the owner of Mega Inn and said he would talk to the bus driver when he arrives and ask him what time the bus will leave tomorrow . We could find him at Mega Inn and ask him about the bus times . Ok , well at least this Mega guy seemed to be helpful . Finally someone who would find us some answers . We went to Mega Inn for dinner , which was delicious by the way , and Mega told us there would only be two buses the following day , one at 5 : 30 am , and one at 2 pm . We asked him if there was any way we could take the ferry across to make the 5 : 30 bus . We expected him to say no , after we had been told we couldn 't take the ferry across to make the alleged 7 : 30 bus , but Mega said yes . He told us that he was driving to Bukit Lawang to pick up some tourists and had to get across early , so he and his friend would take the ferry across themselves , and we could go with them . Wejust had to be at the ferry crossing at 5 am . Ok , I think we can handle that , I thought , as I sat back and drank my banana milkshake , and listened to one of the locals play guitar . He played " Knocking on heaven 's door , " and then he seemed to be singing Jingle Bells , but I listened and realized that instead of the Jingle Bells lyrics he had changed the words and was instead singing " Jungle trek , jungle trek , in tangkahan . See the monkeys , see the birds , see the elephants … " I thought this was awesome , but am no longer of this opinion when , three weeks later , I still find the " jungle trek jungle trek " lyrics running through my head . We tried to get some sleep , which we of course did not do , since Bloom again spent much of the night trying to find the creature , and hanging our bags from the walls so they would be safe . At 4 : 45 am , in the pitch black jungle , we put on all our bags and our headlamps and trekked through the jungle , and down the stairs to the river , where Mega was already waiting for us . I handed him my bag and waded through the river to then climb onto the ferry . I felt like we were escaping Poland to try to get to freedom . Dead of night , climbing onto boats , carrying all of my belongings , etc . However , this place was warm , and I had yet to meet any blatant anti - semites or angry dogs , so I guess there were a few differences between Tangkahan and Poland . A few . We made it to the other side of the river , and we saw our bus . To call this a dilapidated schoolbus that was probably used in some western country in the 1970 's before it was deemed unfit for use , would be an understatement . There were holes in the wall , cracks in the windows , and the sides seemed to be rusting away . Oh well . We said goodbye to Mega and got on the bus with a few local schoolchildren , and by 5 : 20 we were off , bumping along the unpaved jungle roads to pick up at least 100 more schoolchildren , and quite a few sacks of oranges . I found it hilarious that we were actually on a local school bus , as did the children , many of whom used us to practice their English . I was afraid for some of their lives as I looked out the window and saw a bunch of them hanging off of bars on the outside of the bus and sitting on the roof . While on the bus , we looked at our bags and realized that Bloom 's daypack had a hole in it . Bloom looked into the bag and pulled out his hazon chicobag and saw that that too had a hole in it , he then pulled out a double wrapped Ziploc bag and saw that it too had a hole , and when he looked inside the Ziploc we were not surprised to find a granola bar had been eaten . Damn that creature . It must have been some sort of psychotically resourceful rat if he was able to eat through a strong backpack and into another cloth bag and then through a double Ziploc and then into a granola bar . When I thought of this rat 's strength , I was glad to be leaving Tangkahan . Our fired driver had wanted to meet us and maybe give us back some of our money so we waited for him for over an hour . When he finally met us , he took us to a " café " ( read : the front of someone 's house ) and berated us for a while . I wasn 't feeling well at all , so I was trying to ignore this whole meeting and hoping he would just give us some money back and we could all move on with our lives . But for some reason he chose to go on and on about how irresponsible we were for hiring him and then firing him , no one has ever treated him this way , etc . I had felt guilty enough about firing the guy , but at the same time , we paid him half the cost , and he had driven us to only one place ! Why was he telling us how terrible we were ? Did he drag us here just for that ? Did I lie around with a bunch of possible drunks in an abandoned bus station for this ? Finally , I said something , " look , we are sorry we decided we didn 't need you . We told you we felt bad . We paid you the money . What 's the problem ? " He told us that we were reaching the moment of truth to see what kind of people we really were . Whaaat . He then asked us how much money we think he ought to give us back . Oh God . So he was testing us ? We asked him for very little back , which was more than we were ever expecting to see again , and he was happy . He deemed us good people , and gave us some money back , and pointed us toward our bus . Good riddance . At least that awkwardness was over . We are never hiring a driver in advance again , that 's for sure . Bloom left to get a tube , and I went back to my book . After 40 minutes or so , I looked out at the water . The rapids looked strong from here . Shouldn 't I have seen Bloom tube by ? Would I have missed him ? No , I 'm sure everything 's fine , I 'm just being crazy … but . . isn 't it dangerous for someone to go to open water by themselves ? Hadn 't I learned that somewhere ? Isn 't that a thing ? As soon as I was dressed and ready to go , Bloom came back . We went down to the water , and it was awesome . The river was beautiful , and most of it was pretty calm , and serene . I couldn 't believe I was such a beautiful place , in a tube , in the jungles of Sumatra . A few times the water got rough and at one point we fell out , but it was fine , and we managed to get back in the tube . When we had gone far enough , we got out of the tube and sat in the water for a while , watching mothers clean their clothes and children bathe . Eventually Bloom said he was ready to walk up the river and tube back down again . I remembered how freaked out I had been when he had gone by himself , and it had been fun , so I agreed to go again . This time was even more idyllic , since at the start of the tube ride we saw an orangutan swinging from the trees on the side of the river . How crazy ! We floated along peacefully , hitting a few rapids , getting soaked , screaming and laughing , when suddenly we hit a rock and instead of landing on our feet like the previous time , I got pulled under the water in the strong current . I tried to lift my head out but I kept getting pulled back in . I got my head out for a second , but felt myself losing control . " Bloom ! " I yelled , swallowing water . " Grab onto me ! " I heard him say , and then I saw him reach for me . I was able to grab onto him , but only for a second when the current shoved me back under . I felt that I was only wearing one of my flip flops , and I felt the other one get pulled off my foot . I managed to get up again , and grab Bloom and this time I managed to pull myself out enough that I was standing , but I still felt like the water might knock me over , even though it wasn 't deep . We weren 't far from the shore and we managed to pull ourselves over to the riverbank , where I collapsed onto the rocks . My legs were shaking , and I was mentally shaken as well . I took a deep breath . I felt on my head and realized my headband that I wear almost every day was gone , and I looked at my bare feet . Dammit . We looked down the river and saw that around 50 feet ahead , the water was completely calm . I wondered what would have happened to me if I wouldn 't have been able to grab onto Bloom . Would I have just been dragged along to the calm section ? Did I hurt myself by trying to resist the water instead of letting it pull me along ? Ahhh … what a clichéd metaphor ! If only I didn 't resist and fight , I would float gently by … Gross . Needless to say , I told Bloom no more tubing . He was not so happy about my demands , but I begged him not to go back in the water right now , and I was pretty freaked out , so he agreed . He went to the calm part of the water to look for my flip flops , to no avail . Oh well . We walked back to our guesthouse , and it started to pour . It was actually refreshing and I was already soaked and shoeless , and walking very slowly on my still shaking legs , so I didn 't mind . I still loved the tubing , it was just a shame that it had to end on such a rough note . I felt vulnerable and scared of this crazy jungle . All I wanted was to take a hot shower and crawl up in bed and maybe watch a movie . That was definitely not in the cards . We made our way back to the room , through the rain , took cold showers , and then I lay down under the mosquito net , and read some of my book to distract me from my fear . We went to dinner , and , as was usual in Bukit Lawang , we were joined by some of the locals . One of them was a man called Danny ( many of the Indonesians we have met go by Western names for tourists , we asked if we could call them their full names , but they seem to like the Western ones ) who had helped us out a few times and had agreed to be our driver to Tangkahan , our next destination that cannot be reached from Bukit Lawang on public transport . He had also helped us find yet another vegetarian restaurant in the town where the owner / cook / waiter allowed us into the kitchen and showed us how he made our meals , and he had helped us plan our onward itinerary . He was very friendly and I liked him a lot . He introduced us to his friend and said that he was very sorry , but he could not drive us , and his friend would take us instead . The friend was wearing what looked like a big knit kippah . " Where did you get your hat ? My husband is looking for one like that . " He laughed , and then he and Bloom traded hats . He put on the green 5 boro bike ride baseball hat , and Bloom put on the Muslim kippah . I don 't remember exactly how it came up , but somewhere in this exchange I decided to go for it , and reveal our Jewishness to this guy , explaining that Bloom wanted to wear this hat for religious reasons . The Muslim guy loved it . " You are religious Jewish ? ? Very similar to Muslim ! You are my brother ! " If only all interfaith relations went this well … We went on to discuss all our similarities . He prayed 5 times a day , we pray 3 times a day . He pays attention to what he eats , only eating halal , we also have weird eating habbits . He was very excited and asked us if we could leave for Tangkahan later in the day , since we were leaving on a Friday , and he wanted to go to the mosque for afternoon prayer . We explained that we needed to be in by a certain time for Shabbos , and we all worked out an agreeable time to all religions . He said that he would take us to the local market in the morning and we would eat lunch at his house . Bloom explained our different issues with kashrut . He was very understanding about our requests , and it was all good . 15th October 2010 written by Ilana Oct . 5 - We left our hotel at 5 am to make our flight from KL - Medan . We flew with Air Asia , which was insanely cheap and super efficient about check - in . The flight was 40 minutes , making it the shortest international flight I had ever taken . On the plane we were approached by an old bearded man with a turban wearing a long orange shirt and matching pants . " English ? " He asked us . We told him yes , we knew English . He showed us his customs and immigration forms , handed us his Indian passport and motioned for us to fill them out for him . I looked around the plane and realized that Bloom and I were the only two non - Asian people on the flight , which must have been why the man approached us . Bloom began to fill out his forms , and tried explaining the questions , which was difficult since the man did not know any English . " Where are you sleeping ? " Bloom asked slowly and loudly . The man looked at us with a confused stare . " sleeeep - ing , " Bloom said , slower . That obviously did not help , so Bloom tried once again , this time making a sleeping motion by putting his head on his hands . " ohh , " the man said , " Sikh Temple . " Bloom wrote " Sikh Temple " on the form . Bloom then tried to ask him why he was travelling . Business ? Holiday ? Eventually the man got it , and said " prayer . 2 days prayer . Back to Malaysia . " I decided I would help ask him customs questions as well , so I tried " do you have any weapons ? Guns ? Bang bang ? " I pointed my fingers at him like a gun . He looked startled by that one , and shook his head . For some reason , I found the entire interaction with this man absurd and hilarious , and I kept laughing , which I tried to hold back since I did not want the man to think I was laughing at him , when in fact I really was laughing at the situation . Bloom and I were on a plane to a city in Sumatra asking an Indian Sikh man all kinds of customs questions . It just seemed bizarre to think that a few days earlier we were loitering in suburban Melbourne . We landed in the heat , and I decided to unzip the lower part of my pants , making them into capri pants . Bloom reminded me that we had read that when applying for an Indonesian visa it 's important to look somewhat professional . I reminded him that we were getting a visa on arrival , and it didn 't matter . We went to the counter to apply for our visa , and the man just stared at my calves . Oh no . Did I offend Indonesia already ? He looked at me for a while and looked back at my passport . Eventually he put a stamp in there that said 30 day visa NON - EXTENDABLE . This is weird , since I am pretty sure that everyone gets an extendable visa . Luckily , we decided the day before to book our next flight to go from Indonesia ( Sumatra ) - Malaysia ( KL ) - Indonesia ( Java ) , so we would get a new visa when leaving and then re - entering Indonesia . But still , I do think it 's strange that NON - EXTENDABLE was written on our visa … Maybe it 's really because of the Israel stamp in my passport … ? I guess I will never know . In the airport we had planned to meet up with a potential driver / guide who had been recommended to us by someone who had helped us plan our Sumatra trip who we had " met " on the lonely planet thorntree forum . We knew a driver would be expensive , but he had said he would meet us at the airport and we could negotiate . This was probably not the best idea , since we were both exhausted at this point , and not in our best negotiating mood . We sat in his air conditioned car and went over prices with him . We wanted to go to Ketambe to do some jungle trekking , but he did not want to take us there , and told us he would take us to other places and we could do that leg on our own . We went back and forth for a while , and finally he gave us a price and said he would also drive us from Medan to Bukit Lawang , a jungle town 3 hours away , right now . " Fine , " Bloom said , " let 's take it . " It was probably beyond our budget , but we were already in his car , and he seemed like a good guy , so we agreed , and he asked for half the money , which we gave to him . When we arrived in Bukit Lawang we saw signs all over the place for tourist buses that would take us to the same places the driver was going to take us to , but for TONS less money . TONS . Oh no . What had we done ? We had just given away a big chunk of our budget to this man , and we had agreed that he wouldn 't take us to Ketambe , the one difficult place to reach on our itinerary . What were we doing ? We needed to cancel , or at least ask to be taken to Ketambe . We tried to call the guy , but the power was out all around town and the call didn 't go through , since phone service seemed to be down as well . The next morning , right before we were about to leave for a jungle trek in Bukit Lawang , Bloom got in touch with the driver , who told Bloom to meet him at his hotel . We were meant to be trekking in 9 minutes , but at the same time , the driver was leaving town and he had half our money , and we wanted to try to negotiate with him , or we would never see that money again . A few minutes later our trekking guide showed up and said we had to leave now if we wanted to see any orangutans . " I saw your husband . Why did he go now ? Not a good time to go talk to driver . " Oh dear . If we missed the orangutans , the reason we had come here in the first place , because we had to negotiate with a driver , I would go insane . I felt my new zen self slowly slipping away as panic set in . I told the guide we should walk quickly to find my husband . Luckily , this town only has one road , so we would find him sooner or later . We eventually found him , and ran through the jungle to see the orangutans . I have never released so much sweat into the universe before . Watching the orangutans was incredible . The way they moved , their faces , the way they ate , I just couldn 't get enough . And we even saw two of them who had small babies . We were there for maybe an hour , taking pictures and watching them , and then we continued to trek into the jungle . I had signed us up for a one day relaxed / easy trek , since this is still the first week back into things and I wanted to take it slow . I was in for a rude awakening . It 's not that it was too hard for me , exactly … it 's just that I have no sense of balance . I was not so out of breath or anything , and my muscles felt fine , but I fell quite a few times , and two or three of those times I got pretty bruised up . The terrain was insane . We were climbing up these slippery , narrow , steep ladders of rocks and branches and then back down again . One of my worst falls was when we were coming down some rocky area and I slipped back and grabbed onto a vine and sort of hung there off the ground . I couldn 't believe it . I had slipped in the jungle and was now hanging from a vine . I looked at the guide and at Bloom . " This is what I did not want to happen to you , " the guide said , as he carried me off the vine . He pointed at our porter and told me I had to hold his hand for the rest of the way . How humiliating . Even worse was that I still managed to fall a few more times while holding the porter 's hand ! What is wrong with me ? A few times I fell while standing in place . I was not even walking ! The guide told me that I would not be able to go to the bat cave the next day , since it is very steep and I would clearly not make it . " Your husband , he will be fine . Not you , I am sorry , " he said . Are all these backpackers in ridiculous shape or something ? How was this the easy trek ? What was happening to me ? I told the guide I was embarrassed and he said " don 't be embarrassed , before this you come from America , you eating McDonald 's every day , so you are not able to walk in the jungle now . " Umm . WHAT ? ! To add to the humiliation of my multiple falls , I now had a guide telling me that I looked like a fatass who eats McDonald 's every day , and since I am so fat , that 's why I was unable to stay on my feet in the jungle . Crap . How much weight did I gain in Australia ? ? Was I delusional ? I didn 't think I looked like a person who eats McDonald 's every day … Maybe I need a reality check ? Bloom tried to reassure me by saying that by Indonesian standards I might look large . Fantastic . I love Bloom , but tact is not really his thing . No no no . I was not going to let all of this get to me . I was in the jungle . It was beyond beautiful . I saw orangutans eating right in front of me . I was in a place that looked like a tropical paradise , with hardly any tourists . Ok , so I fell a few times , and obviously serious jungle trekking might not be for me , but we were only trekking for 3 - 4 hours today , so that was good , at least I hadn 't signed us up for two days … And so what if this Indonesian man thinks I 'm fat ? And so what if I am fat ? As long as I 'm healthy , who cares ? Fine , so I gained some weight in Australia , but I was traveling and hiking and walking around every day now , so I will be fine . By the end I looked like a complete wreck . I had cuts on my hands , bruises on my elbows and knees , sore arms from hanging from the vine , mud all over my pants and my shirt was drenched with sweat . This merited a cold shower . People like to say that when it 's so hot , you want to take a cold shower . I do not buy into this philosophy . I don 't care how hot it is outside , I will always want a hot shower and will always be unsatisfied with a cold one , but alas , I did not have a choice , and I survived it and will survive many more cold showers . After realizing that I am the world 's worst jungle trekker , I told Bloom that I no longer wanted to go to Ketambe , where the trekking is supposed to be more hard core . I don 't quite understand what 's more hard core than climbing slippery rocks and branches , but the Lonely Planet says that experienced jungle trekkers may find Bukit Lawang too basic , and those people should head to Ketambe for more serious trekking . I had found Bukit Lawang too difficult , so I had a problem . We had another problem which is that Bloom had met with the driver that morning and had negotiated with the driver that he would take us to Ketambe , although we would have to pay even more money for it . Bloom said that it was clear that if we canceled the driver we would not get any of our money back , so he had negotiated instead . So now we had already made things awkward with this driver by forcing him to take us to Ketambe , and now I realized that Ketambe was probably not worth it for us , since it is a long way out of the way for jungle trekking , and I did not feel like a competent jungle trekker . The guilt is now coming back . How can we cancel the driver ? Now he will hate us . Not only will he hate us , but we have lost an insane amount of money that could have lasted us at least a week here . So much money to lose ! But if we go with the driver , we still have to pay him the other half of the money we owe him , and it just isn 't worth it . Or is it ? AHH . I hate being inside my head ! I also started regretting our decision not to stay overnight in the jungle , since now if we don 't go to Ketambe , we won 't get the overnight jungle experience here . And maybe I should just push myself to do the jungle trek ! I 've pushed myself before , and I 've been happy about it . However , unlike the trekking in South America , in this case I actually feel like it 's not so safe for me to be out there where I can fall more seriously . I need to just let it go . Let the money go and learn a lesson not to book guides / drivers in advance . If we ever want a guide again , we now know that we should only book it when we have been in the town a while and know the other prices . Bloom says that as far as lessons go , this is not such a costly one . Of course Bloom has the right attitude . And what about the trekking ? " No regrets , " Bloom says . " We made a choice , we had a great time , that 's it . You are not allowed to regret our choices . " Well then , I guess that 's settled . But maybe I would like the trekking in Ketambe ? Maybe it wouldn 't be too hard ? Oh man , I am out getting out of control again . So now that I have talked about our jungle trek and driver woes , I will write a little about where we are . Bukit Lawang is a small town a few hours north of Medan in North Sumatra . The town has a river in it , and the river is surrounded by hills on both sides . There is one road along the side of the river , and there are rows of jungle cabins , small restaurants and souveneirs being sold to the non - existent tourists . There are no cars on the road , only the occasional motorcycle . It 's a beautiful place . Every morning Bloom and I wake up to see a group of monkeys ( long tailed macaques ) jump around and eat fruit in the trees surrounding our balcony . From our balcony this morning , we also got to see a group of Thomas - leaf monkeys which are a species only found in Sumatra . It is quite idyllic . The driver dropped us off the side of a main road , and we then walked down into the village . Bloom had bought bananas on the drive up , but the woman would only sell him a whole stalk of them , instead of just a few , so Bloom and I walked into town , me carrying my little daypack ( someone was carrying my big bag ) and Bloom carrying his big bag , his daypack , and 15 bananas . As we entered the town everyone called out to us , " Hello ! Hello ! " and then a few people called out " Hello Mr . Banana Man ! " I loved this . Everyone was smiling and friendly and came to talk to us as we walked down the road toward our guesthouse . Most people here are super friendly and many stop and talk to us on when we meet them in the road . Even Bloom 's friend remembered us later , asking " Hello Mr . Banana Man ! Why so many bananas ? Where did all bananas go ? " I was surprised he recognized us without the bananas , but then again , there are few tourists here , so I guess he can remember them . It 's bizarre actually that there are so few tourists here . It 's a great town . There is no internet and the electricity has gone out a few times , but it 's beautiful and cheap and there are monkeys wandering around ! We came here , as anyone does , to see the orangutans . The national park on the other side of the river is one of the only places in the world where you can see orangutans in their habitat ( the other ones are in Borneo ) . Most of the orangutans near Bukit Lawang are not wild . They are being rehabilitated into the jungle after being found in some human 's house . People come into the jungle and steal baby orangutans , sometimes by shooting its mother , and keep them as pets or somehow exploit them . These orangutans , when found , are re - released into their habitat , but they are still fed by rangers in the park twice a day , since they do not yet know how to get their own food . We went to the part of the jungle where the orangutans are fed , and that 's when we saw a whole bunch of them climbing around and eating . One of the reasons we were going to go to Ketambe was to see wild orangutans that never lived in captivity . But I really thought seeing these orangutans still felt authentic enough for me . They were not living in cages , they climbed around the trees wherever they wanted , and we saw a bunch away from the feeding station as well , just hanging out in trees . Yes , they rely on humans for food , but I think it was still pretty awesome . We have eaten delicious local food here . Luckily , we found a restaurant which , by chance , has no meat on the menu , so we have eaten our meals there . Our favorites have been gado - gado , steamed vegetables covered in a peanutey sauce and mei goreng which is stir fried noodles and vegetables with some good spices . Bloom has also been eating his share of fried bananas from the street , which he loves . Last night we were talking to some of the people who work at our guesthouse and they asked if we wanted dinner . We were having such a nice time talking to everyone that I decided , stupidly , to explain that for religious reasons , we prefer to eat food that has not been cooked in a pan that was used to cook meat . " We wash our dishes ! " the owner said , " you think that our dishes are not cleaned ? That there is still meat in the pan ? We clean well ! I am very sensitive about this . " I tried to explain that it had nothing to do with cleanliness , that it 's just a religious rule and that even in our own house we have two sets of all the dishes ! " We know that we clean the dishes too ! " I protested . He did not accept this . " I have heard of many people doing different things , person came here who only ate raw fruit and that can make sense , but this is not good . You want us to buy all new pots for you ? ! " " NO . " I stated firmly , " we do not expect anything of you . You have been great , it is only difficult for us , not you , we are just more comfortable not eating from those pans . " It got really awkward , and all of the people we had been talking to were quiet , and looking at us like we were freaks . " You should respect our religious choices , " I said , " I 'm not making you do anything , just asking you to respect me … " Awkward silence again , and finally I said , " we 're going to go … " and we left to go to the vegetarian guesthouse restaurant . As soon as we walked out the door I started crying . I don 't even know why ! For some reason this whole exchange was very upsetting to me . I was upset about the way the man spoke to me about my religious decisions , and I was also upset with myself for offending one of the locals . Travel etiquette is confusing . On the one hand , I believe in pluralism , meaning I believe that people should be accepting of each other 's beliefs without trying to force the other to lose part of his / her identity . But on the other hand , I am traveling in someone else 's country and someone else 's culture , and maybe some of my traditions offend them . Maybe it is offensive not to eat someone 's cooking . I felt like such an outsider . I was glad that I hadn 't told the guy that we were Jewish , since it would not make Judaism any friends . Am I a bad backpacker because I am not so willing to accept the local culture ? I think I 'm ok … But I can see someone reading the above and thinking what an idiot I am , and thinking that I don 't have the appropriate " travel values " or whatever . I guess I told the guy about our eating preferences because I thought he would find it interesting , instead he was offended . I always want to hear about people 's religious traditions , but I guess that I should not expect the same of all people across all cultures , and that is that . This whole thing happened last night , and I still feel awkward around this guy at the guesthouse , and I wish I could make it right , but I 'm not sure I can . Oh well , I am making friends as well as enemies here . We have a driver that we yanked around and a guesthouse owner that we offended by talking about kashrut . I guess it 's ok . I have to stop needing everyone we meet to love me , and just get over it . It doesn 't matter . And anyway , tomorrow we are off to Tangkahan an even smaller town 3 - 4 hours north of here . There are only 4 guesthouses there , and I 'm not sure if they even have electricity . It 's supposed to be beautiful and quiet and there are hot springs and elephants . What can be bad ? Sounds like a good place for shabbos to me . 14th October 2010 written by Ilana Right now ( Oct . 6 ) I am sitting in our jungle cabin on a hillside in Bukit Lawang , which is in Sumatra , which is in Indonesia , which , is a country made up of around 17 , 000 islands in South East Asia . Our cabin is a small room with an attached bathroom and balcony . The bathroom has a toilet and a shower . The shower is a bamboo pipe with cold water running out of it and onto the bathroom floor , and the toilet does not flush on its own , instead you fill a bucket with water from the shower and flush it yourself . If you read the South America parts of this blog , then you might think that this sounds like my worst nightmare . You might even expect me to tell some stories about how horribly wrong everything went , and how I proceeded to breakdown and cry . Well , friends , I 've got some news - I love it here . I love Asia . I love the jungle . I love the food . I love the ambiance . I love cold showers and do - it - yourself flush toilets . Ok , that last part is obviously a lie , I 'm not a masochistic lunatic or anything ! I think all of the above are decent possibilities , with number 3 being possibly a bit of an exaggeration , but only a bit . ( Side note : Everyone needs to read Heschel ASAP . Anything by Heschel is brilliant , and I had forgotten how inspiring he can be . I actually feel like I am going through withdrawl since I had to leave the Heschel book in Australia since it belongs to Bloom 's dad . I just want to read Heschel all day . ) Oct . 3 - We got off the plane in Kuala Lumpur and I felt excited to be there . I was excited about the heat , about being in a new country , and about the ridiculous sunset that we saw on our drive into the city from the airport . The airport bus dropped us off a few blocks from our pre - booked cheap hotel in Chinatown and we made our way through a very crowded night market , past many different designer purses , wallets , sunglasses and fruit . By the time we got to the hotel , I felt like I was drenched in sweat . My backpack weighs a little over 15 kilos ( 33 lbs ) , and I was still wearing the pants and hiking boots that I had worn on the plane , and it was insanely hot and humid , which is to be expected , I guess , when so close to the equator . We went to our room , which fit a double bed and our backpacks , but not much else . There were no windows and the place stunk of cigarettes and possibly mildew . I opened the sliding accordion - like door to the bathroom to discover a closet with a toilet in it . I was sure that this place was advertised as having a shower … I looked around and discovered a shower head above the toilet . It was not clear to me if this is meant purely for space saving purposes , or if it is also meant as a time - saver , since you can now be on the toilet and showering at the same time . What a world . We left the hotel and decided to find a vegetarian restaurant nearby . In my need to be organized , I had made a list of ten vegetarian restaurants in KL , and we now followed a map to the nearest one . When we got there we saw that everything was closed . We saw some men standing around on an otherwise empty street , so we asked them if they knew of any vegetarian restaurants . One of them told us he was a vegetarian and he would be glad to walk us to a restaurant not too far away . This was an amazing start . I thought about how nice this man was to take two random people to a restaurant . The euphoric hippie in my head was loving this . However , the angry cynic is not dead yet and I heard it asking questions , " it 's dark and the streets are empty . What if this guy is taking us to an alley to rob us , and maybe even kill us ? ? He can 't really be just a nice guy … What does he want from us … ? " We sat and ate delicious Indian food with a bunch of Indian families , and it was lovely . When I went to the bathroom I was happy to discover a toilet bowl and not a hole in the ground . However , instead of toilet paper there was a hose with a spray nozzle , which I think is meant to be used in lieu of toilet paper . There was water all over the floor , so I 'm guessing that while this may be a more environmentally friendly approach than toilet paper , it is a whole lot messier . Also , what happens when you pull up your pants and you have a wet butt ? Do your clothes get all wet too ? I am sure I will learn more about this in due time . We took the subway there , which was cheap , clean and fast , but before we explored the towers , or more specifically the mall at the base of the towers , we wanted to look for lunch . According to my research there was a Buddhist monastery near here that served a vegetarian buffet . We asked many different people about this place , and not one of them knew where it was . We wandered aimlessly for a while , until we finally found a monastery with golden buddhas and some chanting people . We walked around the side of the monastery and found a very large cafeteria , where we proceeded to eat lunch for very cheap . And now , on to Petronas . The buildings are actually beautiful in their own way , and the mall was fantastic . We spent a lot of time looking at 3D TVs , and just wandering aimlessly . It was a classy place with fancy stores galore . The craziest thing was the bathroom . Yes , I am writing about a bathroom again , get used to it . So the bathrooms looked pretty nice . Clean sinks , clean looking stalls , but then I walked into a stall and saw just a hole in the floor . How did it make sense that in a random small Indian restaurant I managed to find a toilet bowl and here there was only a squatter ? And the squat toilet even flushed automatically when you walked away . I am guessing this is one of the classier squat toilets out there . I told Bloom about this discovery , and he informed me that in many places in Asia they offer both squat toilets and " Western " toilets . This also strikes me as odd . What woman would choose a hole in the floor over a toilet bowl ? Ahh yes , my Western biases are at it again . But seriously … is there any advantage to a hole in the floor toilet ? ? Asians must have thighs of steel with all this squatting . Anyway , enough toilet talk . We wandered through the mall and then I noticed that " Eat , Pray , Love " was playing , and that a ticket was less than $ 4 a person , I was beyond happy . I was still feeling tired from the flight the day before , and this seemed like a perfect way to really relax . Every so often I had this guilty feeling about being all the way in KL and then seeing a movie I could see anywhere . But , I quieted the guilt and reminded myself that I needed to learn to move slowly and rest and watch movies sometimes instead of tiredly treading through the humid streets to take pictures of God knows what . Also , I loved the book " Eat , Pray , Love , " and was really looking forward to the movie . I know that my love of this book will make some of you judge me , since there are those who see it was self - indulgent crap . I am aware of that , but I still loved the book . The movie was just ok , but I loved watching it anyway , and even Bloom unexpectedly enjoyed himself . And that was it for KL . The next morning at 5 am , we were off to the airport for our flight to Medan , Sumatra , Indonesia . KL was awesome . It had a great vibe . The city is made up of Malays , Chinese and Indians , which makes for some good food and a multicultural feel . Also , the city is pretty clean with good public transport options and ultra - modern shops , but at the same time , it feels Asian within the markets and the street food , and the fact that I can 't drink the water . It was a nice balance . Of course I am still me , so I did have to feel guilty or weird about something , and in Malaysia I felt guilty about loving it so much as a Jew . Malaysia , as a country , is not so into Jews . You cannot enter Malaysia with an Israeli passport . Same goes for Indonesia . I feel very weird about being a Jew travelling around these parts . More to come on that later . |
Night before last we had that storm coming through and was going to get some of the bands in our area . My friend messaged me and said she was scared . I told her to come stay with me and the kids for the night . I was out shopping and had to pick the little ones up from daycare then I would come get her . She said she still be scared at my house I told her I would be more scared in a trailer with it coming through . But she said she was very scared of any kind of storms because of the way her dad was when she was younger . Told her she could still come if she wanted we eat put the kids to bed and get to catch up . She been wanting to talk to me and tell me some stuff and we haven 't gotten together in a while because of her being sick and me so busy . She decided to come , so I went and picked her up . It was just a normal night we came home she helped me make dinner and we ate . I had kids get baths , clean up some and go to bed . It was probably about 10 / 11 she went outside to smoke . I walked out with her and we sat down and started talking . we sat there for a while talking . the way my house is set up you walk out my front door onto a little slab that is about three foot by three foot . Probably not even . I have two plastic chairs sitting on it there is room to walk in front of them and get in the door and things but nothing huge . You step of of it to the left into the yard or go straight step into the carport . So my truck is pulled up right there in front of the carport but not in as it won 't fit in the carport . I moved the chair over so the back was facing my front door so I wasn 't sitting right beside her but facing her kind off . I was facing the carport so she could smoke and it wouldn 't blow over on me . I sat my glass around behind the back leg of my chair so it didn 't get knocked over . I have to get a table for out there . Anyway we sat and talked like I said for a long time . I turned to get my glass and I seen a flash of light come from beside my house . I didn 't hear a car and one never came up . For it to be as close as it was we should have seen and heard it right away from down beside my house . So I got up and walked down the driveway out into the street in front of my house because we seen it a few more times on other trees that if it was a car we would have to see them in order for the light to shine where it was and it wouldn 't be fixed on the trees . It had moved . I walked from there down the middle of the street that goes beside my house up about 3 or 4 houses and looked down behind mine and all around to see if I seen anyone out . I didn 't see anything and walked back up to where we were sitting the same way . I scared her when I walked up she was looking the other way but I thought she had seen me coming back up the street . She was looking behind my house and said she heard something she thought I went down and was going to come around the back and into the carport not the way I went . She thought I was behind the house . We thought then it was probably someone hiding where I couldn 't see them on the side of the other side of the house or bent down back there so where in the dark and went over the fence when I got out of sight . I can see back there but like anywhere there are dark spots still and shadows they could be in . We sat back down and started talking again , we seen something up the street from us . I said lets walk to the end of the driveway and see if it 's someone or something blowing in the wind because it was strong winds from the storm but not raining . She didn 't want to leave the front door in case someone was messing around behind the house or close after what we heard . I got my keys and locked the door and we walked to the end of the driveway in the street and was looking around . We couldn 't figure out what we were seeing and figured it was trees or something . There has been a few times cars were broken into around and there are always people walking around here all hours of the night . It was just how we kept seeing it in one spot and the way it was moving not like someone just walking down the walk . We figured we look see what it was . Oh and we seen a flag someone had hung up so we figured it must be it because it was new and why I hadn 't seen it before . We thought if it was someone who went over the fence maybe it was them still messing around and we could see who it was . We sat back down and in a little bit this SUV pulled up on the side street that is across from the guy next to me 's house . It didn 't pull up to the stop but feet back behind the bushes . The sat there with their lights shining over by where we were sitting for a few minutes but we couldn 't see who was in it or what they were doing . I don 't know if they could see my because I was down behind my truck I am sure they had to see her where she was sitting . In a minute they turn and go down in front of my house . I know then they could see me no problem . They went two streets up and turned . I figured maybe they were lost and looking at their phone trying to figure out where they were going . Few minutes later they come back stop in the middle of the street that is by my house that I walked down earlier to see if I seen anyone behind it . Then the pulled up where the back of their truck was just behind or just past my truck but not to the stop in front of my house . I didn 't stand up I just leaned forward more over down in front of my truck trying to see around the front end to see if I could see what they were doing and why they stopped . She could see it good . But the windows were so dark tinted that she couldn 't see in . I got up and moved around a little to try and see . The driver put the back passenger window down the passenger behind the driver turned the light on the roof on . I seen someone go down into the floor . In my mind it looked like someone being pushed into the floor . I was trying to stand up the rest of the way and see what was going on . Because I couldn 't see still because of the truck I could just see whoever was sitting up go down like into the floor I couldn 't see but the top of the window by the roof . All of a sudden my friend stand up and is leaning over me with her arms all stretched out and she is trying to walk toward me and get me to move back . She is saying go in the house go in the house . I thought she was scared they were going to get out and start or had the same thought they had some one and was forcing them to go with them and they were fighting . I said no I want to know what they are doing out here by my house this is the second time in a few minutes they stopped . I was trying to get her to let me stand up more . She said gun they have a gun get in the house . I turned and started for the door she was right on top of me . I ran into the door trying to open it , I hadn 't unlocked it when we came back up earlier . I only have 4 keys on my ring . Two truck keys the gun cabinet key and house key . I was fumbling with the gun key and house key trying to figure out what was what in the dark and then to get the key in the door in the dark . We had the light off so the bugs wouldn 't swarm us and eat us why were talking . When I got the door open the truck drove off . We got inside . She said when they stopped it happen like I said the one turned the light on from the back the driver rolled the window down . What I thought was someone being pushed or told to get in the floor was a guy and he bent down to the floor and when he came up he had a gun pointed right at her . She said she could see him and the driver well but not the other two people in the truck . She said I jumped up and leaned over you to cover you in case they started to shoot . I said I thought you were scared because they were fighting or not knowing what was going on I couldn 't see more than the top of the window . I thought it was odd she got scared and was trying to go in the house because she is like me if we hear something or something is going on we are going to see what it is and take care of it run them off call the police whatever has to be done . My phone was dead it had popped up long ago and said I had only 5 % of my battery or less left . I called 911 when the lady answered I said this is my address and gave it to her I said I need you to send the police right now my phone is about to die so we are probably going to get disconnected but please just send the police anyway and gave her my address again . She started asking me questions and I answered her . She wanted to know why and so she knew how many to send and things . I told told her . I am really shocked that it did not hang us up but it didn 't I was able to tell her everything that happen and they sent them . She asked if I felt ok to hang up I told her yes we were inside and for now they had left . I was going to charge my phone so I could call back if I needed to if anything else happen before they got to us . The cop came and he was really nice and he said they were all over the area and looking for them but hadn 't seen any care that matched . He had my friend write out a report since she was the one that seen the gun and could id some of the people in the suv . He said right now it was an aggravated assault but unknown person . If they found the truck they would bring her to id and then fill in the names and things . He asked if I had any weapons inside . I told him I had two guns , he said I suggest you go inside and load them and keep them on you . I suggest you keep one loaded and on you at all times . I asked about a permit class and things to carry . He said you can have it on you in your home and even in your yard . He said you can keep it in your truck in the glove box in a holster . Just not to take it in anywhere or anything like that . My friend said yeah but you can 't shoot them through the door or the window you got to wait for them to come in . The cop said if they are turning my door knob or messing with my window I am going to shoot first and ask questions later . They have no reason to be trying to come in my house or messing with my windows . I said if they are trying to come in my door or window I 'm not waiting for them to get inside either . I have 4 children in my house to take care of if you are messing around my window you have no business being at to start with I assume you are not there for anything good and that you are not going to do anything good once you get inside . I am not going to risk them getting inside and over taking me or grabbing one of my kids . The cop said that 's right . I had ask the cop before what if I shot someone through my window . He said it is all in how you feel . I said I don 't feel safe I feel me and my children are in danger if someone is at my window . If they wanted me for something they would come to my door and knock . He just said that is what you have to say if it happens . He talked to us for a while told me a gun range I could go to that did classes and things for women and told us what kind of holster to buy that was safest and things . He left and said to call back if we seen the car or the guys again so they could try and catch them so they could charge them . He said stay away from the windows and not to go out until daylight . We came in sat here talking bout it for a little bit . We kept hearing cars come by and I look to see if it was them coming back or someone else . It didn 't seem like no time later I hear something like people talking but did not hear a car . I could tell they were close because they didn 't seem loud . I looked out the window and there was a guy riding a bike no shirt , hat and backpack . I said something to her she got up and looked . Then about the time I said something to her here came another with a jacket on and a backpack . They said a camping backpack later . It had straps to strap it around your chest and waste . It was like whatever he was going to do he was going to make sure not to lose it or leave it . They both looked like they had something big in them . About the time she came across the room and looked out here came the red SUV back flying by them . I thought it was going to hit the one it was so close and so fast . She looked out the window and said oh my god that is the guy that pointed the gun at us on the first bike . She was so fixed on watching him she never even seen the guy on the second bike . She called 911 because my phone was still charging and told them the car just went by again and that the one that had been in it with the gun was going by on a bike . They said they were going to search the area first and then come here if anything happen to call them back . That point why she was calling 911 I got the gun out an loaded it . I figured before they are driving by if I am in the house and they drive by and shoot having my gun loaded isn 't going to do me no good . But then seeing them on bikes I figured they could ditch them somewhere and walk up knock on the door or anything and shoot . In a little bit the cop shows up we go out to talk to him . He asked if we could be wrong about what kind of SUV it was . We said we could but we were pretty sure by the way it looked and told him . He said he was like 2 blocks away when the call came in and came around the way the bikes were going and he never seen them or the SUV anywhere . He kind of acted like he thought we were lying . He said his lieutenant wanted to talk to us he was on his way . Asked us again about what kind of SUV . He said they had a red one pulled over up the street but it wasn 't a explorer . Then they came over the radio and said that it had a tag for a green blazer out of a town miles away . Then they said but it is on a red pick up truck . We said no that is not it at all it was a red SUV for sure . Another cop started pull up and park in front of the house the cop said that was the lieutenant . About that time we seen other lights and looked up down the street came the red SUV . We said that is it right there that is the one . He went to go out to the street and it started to stop at the sign he flashed his flashlight at them and waved for them to stop . The SUV punched and hauled ass around the corner and took off . The car that had just pulled up took off after him as he jumped in his car and turned around and followed . He got about 5 miles up the road before they caught him . In a little bit the cop who came out the first time we called came back and asked my friend to go with him and she if she could id the guy that was driving . He said they finally got them to stop but that there was only one person in the truck the other three were gone . We told them we knew two were on bikes somewhere in the area . He took her and she told them she was 98 % sure that he was the one driving when the guy pointed the gun at her . He told her they couldn 't do anything but hold him until she said yes he was involved . She said they had her stay in the car put the class up and was shining the lights in his face and telling him not to look at her and things he was fighting with them and turning to look at her . She said he was trying his hardest to intimidate her . She said she told the cop it was him and he said over the speaker it was a positive id and they grabbed him and cuffed him and started searching the suv . She said that they had the carpet rolled up on the back passenger side and their was a hidden compartment . Right where the guy bent over and got the gun from when they stopped out front . But the gun was gone just like the other three guys . They found drugs on the guy and he was on probation . The cop brought her home and told us do not come out of the house because they still had no idea who or where the other three guys were and the gun was missing as well . They said they can not charge him with anything that happen here until they get the guy who pointed the gun and the gun . But he did go to jail for vop and the other charges . Makes me kind of mad because we know what happen and he was involved drove him here to do and put the window down for him to do it . He made it very clear not to come out side or answer the door for any reason even if we thought it was them they would call us first again . To get the gun and load it if we hadn 't and not to be in a room with windows . We sat here the rest of the night at the table checking the arrest report to see if they had took him to the jail and booked him so we could see what his name was and I could see a picture of him . They would not tell us his name said they were not allowed . I said he can come to my house and do all this and there are still three out there to worry about but you can 't even tell me his name so that I can see if it is someone that I may know or at least know what he looks like so that when he gets out since he isn 't being charged for what happen at my house ? They said no you can get the report in 3 to 4 days and it will be on there . What good is it in 3 or 4 days . Do you know how much could happen in 3 or 4 days ? It finally showed up , I have seen him around but do not know him . Just like at the store or something like that . The cop the first time we called came out , asked if either one of us had anyone we made mad or enemies or anything like that . If I had seen them around here before . I told him I am a full time student taking classes at the college and have 4 kids I don 't go out or talk to hardly anyone . I talk to my friend that was here and I talk to my friend that lives a couple towns away . That I hardly ever have anyone at my house like she was that night . I told him I don 't even take classes at the college I talk them online at home so I don 't even talk to people there . I said it has been over a year since I had someone that came over and just hung out for a while or what . Most times if someone is here other than Father of the Year they are here for a few minutes an hour and gone . I just don 't have people over a lot . I said I am not outside just sitting and hanging out at night if I don 't have someone over . Most the time if someone is over we sit outside because they smoke or as to not wake the kids or the kids are up and playing we sit outside to talk and let them play so I don 't know who is going back and forth or around most the time . She is like me she don 't talk to or hang out with anyone . She been sick and she stays to herself most the time too . I don 't know what to think the officer was very sure that they were going to shoot , if my truck had not been parked there and she had not gotten up and kept me from standing up . He thinks that her standing up and not letting me stand up and us being in front of and on the other side of the truck at that point and it being so big that they couldn 't get a good shot . We heard the gun click I didn 't know that was what it was until later because I didn 't know there was a gun . He said had I stood up being taller they would have had a good shot right over the hood of my truck and they probably would have taken it . When they seen the door open they knew we went inside and left . He was so surprised how calm we were and how calmly she handled it being that she seen the gun and that she leaned over me and got us in the house . She told him that she didn 't want to yell or panic because she figured they would shoot then no matter what . That she leaned over me so that if they did start shooting at least maybe they wouldn 't hit me that I was a single mom with 4 kids to take care of and things . I told him I am pissed off and mad that they came her and done this . That I have no idea who they are and that we were sitting here at my house not doing anything or bothering anyone and never do so they had no reason to bring this to my house and do this . I 'm still not scared , I am still pissed off and mad about it . Maybe a little numb . I don 't know if it is just the shock hasn 't wore off or what . I told her I don 't want the kids to know or Father of The Year to know . I don 't want the kids to be scared and I don 't want Father of The Year to start shit . All I will hear is I need to move I need to this or that . I can 't not afford to move and I am not moving in with my mom and them . My friend lives down the street where they keep coming in from I went and had her pull footage from her camera and see if she seen the two guys on the bikes so we could give that to the cops so they could be on the look out for them and know that we were not lying . But I don 't think they feel we were lying anymore and the first cop that ever came out never acted that way and the lieutenant didn 't want to talk to us after they caught the guy . But I figured if we had them on video would prove they were in the are as well . They do have the car going back and forth and the cops and the cops flying after him . So we are now trying to figure out where the guys on the bikes came in from because the truck had not came back into the are before the bikes came by . Only thing we can figure is that it came in passed her house and let them out before mine . I went across and talk to the people in that house because her wallet got stolen and they were talking about putting some up there . I went over when they were both home because I did 't want to scare her there by herself and talk to them . She said they hadn 't put any up . If they had they would have gotten really good shot of them probably because they had to ride right by their house . He did tell me that the street that they were going down was a drug house and that was probably were they were going when they kept coming and going down that street . He thinks maybe they were going to try and rob that house . We seen them going back and forth and were not going inside and they got mad . I don 't know I just hope they go on and don 't come back . The one guy they did arrest had a id for here and one for Alabama . They put his Alabama address instead of his address for here . I am no sure why they did that and would like to know his address for here . He could live on that street right next to me here and I not even know . It be nice to know if he is living next to me . They were in a company vehicle but it didn 't have a name on it and they wouldn 't tell us what company . I don 't know if maybe it was just one of theirs and they have some kind of little company doing yards or something like that or if it is a bigger company . If it was a company they are working for I could maybe find out from them if this was the person who is supposed to be driving or someone else . If it was someone else then who was drive we could see if they were the one with the gun . The cop said they thought they switched up what they were wearing and who was where in the truck . But she said she was sure he was the one driving when they stopped and that the guy on the bike was the one who pointed the gun at her . It had all happen with in an hour or so of each other so she knew what they looked like . We made the first call at like 1 : 30 and the second call around 2 : 30 . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Author 's Note : I only really had one part of this song I wanted to do , and I knew who was getting the fic the first time I glanced at the lyrics . This one suggests a marriage that can stand in the face of everything to me , and that is Kate and Fletcher Kennedy . They withstood a lot over the years and are still married and ridiculously in love after more than thirty years . Fletcher stared on at the grave , ignoring the words from the sermon , not caring what others might say , about hope or consolation or even sympathy . None of them could change the facts , and the fact was that Fletcher had outlived his son . He might even lose both of his brother 's boys . That was unacceptable . All of it was . Kate 's hand brushed his , and Fletcher took it , instinct overriding the numbness he 'd felt since they heard about the crash . He 'd struggled to believe it , not wanting any of this as truth , and he knew his Katie girl was aching just as much if not worse than he was , that it wanted to kill her as it did him , but neither of them were the sort that gave in . They were Kennedys . They didn 't break easily , though this … This was coming damn close . Recall should have cut and run years ago . Maybe the agency would find her and bring her back . Maybe not . She might have been free . The one who stood the best chance of finding her was gone , again , and she could be so far from here and all of this . She wouldn 't be staring in the face of broken promises and empty vessels . He 'd said he 'd remember , and she 'd almost believed him , but he didn 't . His eyes held that same vacancy , the lost and bewildered look he got when he didn 't know where he was or who he was . He did not know her , not as he had , not as he 'd promised he would , and the man she 'd made the mistake of considering a friend was gone . She could give him back those memories , try and reclaim who he 'd been , but she rejected the idea almost in the same instant as she had it . What would be the point ? Any time he used his ability , he 'd be lost all over again , and she had always told herself she would only give him the memories he needed , not force him to be any of his various fractures again . His eyes found her , so frightened and scared , overwhelmed by the lack of recognition for anything , and she sighed . She knew she would not run , but she would not bring him back , either . She wasn 't going to let herself get hurt all over again . He wasn 't a friend . He was a task . She was there to give him memories , and she did . He wasn 't a friend , could never be one . He might want to , might think he could , but he would always forget , always disappear , and she wouldn 't allow herself to feel that pain again . The agency 's most valuable asset , Fracture can bend his genetics to become whatever he needs to be . The same ability that makes him special erases all of his memories when he uses it . With the ability to store and share other people 's memories , Recall was assigned as his partner , able to restore some of what was lost during the last fracture . She adjusted to the cycle years ago , but this time Fracture seems different , and he might not be willing to let that cycle continue . The woman turned , and Jis shrank back , dodging the blade and her mother 's attack . She had not thought she had to train today , but she supposed that she knew better . The life of an esbani was always training . They could not allow themselves to make a mistake and fail to protect the royal family . No one had done that , not in centuries , not back to when her people had supposedly flown . " Jis , " her mother chided , and she grimaced . " That was not a proper evasion , nor should you be here now . You have lessons with the tutors . " " No , Zaze has lessons . She 's the princess . She 's the one that has to know all those things , not me . I just have to be willing to kill or die for her , " Jis said , shaking her head as she spoke . She did not see why she had to go with Zaze to the lessons , why they kept trying to make her act more and more like her . Zaze was prideful , stubborn , and stupid , and Jis didn 't want to be like her . " Do you think the king loves you ? " Jis asked , daring to look up at her mother 's face for the truth . Was that what had distracted her earlier , thoughts of the king ? Or was it her own pain of knowing that she was meant to die in the place of the queen ? That was not what Jis had asked , but she feared it was answer enough . She closed her eyes , trying to console herself with the knowledge that it would never be her . As the king 's daughter , she would never be forced to give herself to a man she didn 't love just because she was esbani . She was born to take Zaze 's place and die for her , though . Jis would never be free to live her own life or marry anyone . She was esbani . Her life was already forfeit . Author 's Note : I had a hard time getting this second piece of the challenge done . I suppose the simplest way of explaining it is that the other aspects of publishing sapped all my creativity and writing just wouldn 't happen . Not on this , not on anything . I didn 't write a word for over a week . " I think he thinks I mean to hurt him when I am only trying to get him to eat , " he said , turning back to Whistler in frustration . " I wish I could make him understand , but even when he speaks more , I get no sense of the words that he uses . His speech is unlike any language I 'm familiar with . " " We do have no sense of his origin . He could be from anywhere , " Whistler reminded him , keeping his tone gentle . He went around to the other side of the bed . Taking the cup from the tray , he held it out to the child , waiting for the boy 's trembling to cease . After a moment , the boy sat up and peered at the cup . His nose wrinkled , and he shook his head , rejecting the offer . He glanced toward the tray , hesitating before reaching for a small piece of fruit . He studied it with a frown . Whistler smiled . " Yes , well , I happen to believe it is an acquired taste . Perhaps another flavour would suit him . He does not care for your favourite kind of fruit , either . I also would suggest that may have been the source of his reaction to the fork . " " Amusing . " Whistler did not sound amused , but under the circumstances , it almost was comical . The boy had suffered grave injuries and should have died , either from them or the fever that wanted to carry him off , but he would seem to be braver than his wounds . Or perhaps he believed a threat from a fork was a custom everyone here used , which would be Stratford 's fault , though far from his intention . Stratford grunted . " How are we going to explain what happened ? To ask him about his family or how he ended up on that shore ? We cannot even communicate about food . " " Patience , " Whistler advised . " We will learn . After all , we now what mish means , and that is a start , certainly more than you had before . " He had to duck when the boy threw it at him . Shaking his head , he watched the child , uncertain if he did have enough patience to learn the boy 's language or teach him theirs . Maybe it would have been easier if he had found some sign , someone else to give the child to , or even if the boy had died . It took me a bit to decide which album by First Aid Kit I wanted to do , and I may end up doing both . That , and I got sidetracked in part by summarizing the book I 'm using characters from today . This is in part a celebration for getting the summary written and in part because the initial hurdle of the challenge has been overcome ( I started it , finally . ) It should be more upbeat for a celebration piece , but it fit well to do this part , since the lyrics apply in different ways to the main novel . Nerissa didn 't visit the overlook often . Maybe because she was afraid it meant she agreed , that she believed what everyone else did , what was sane and normal and right - that Sebastian was dead and buried . Or maybe it was because she thought coming here would mean they would lock her away , thinking her grief had driven her mad . Again . She let out a breath , closing her eyes and trying to tell herself not to listen . That part of her that had never accepted that her other half was gone was no quieter now than it had been after he first disappeared , though if they were right and he was dead , then it should have been silent by now . Years had passed as proof , hadn 't they ? Nerissa sat down , running her fingers through the grass . She didn 't feel any closer to him here . She still felt as empty and sick as she had when he missed his valedictorian speech . " If you 're out there , Seb , " she whispered , knowing she 'd get herself committed if anyone heard her , " come back to me . Find your way back . I know you can . If I can feel you , you can feel me , and you 'll find me again . " The breeze didn 't pick up , the glade remained still and quiet , and others would take that as an answer , but she didn 't . She wasn 't looking for a ghost , wasn 't hoping for relief from the other side . She was holding out hope that somewhere Sebastian was very much alive and they would follow that pull they 'd always had when separated . They 'd end up right back at each other 's side , inseparable as they had always been . Malina stilled , her foot still mid - step , wincing as she did . She sighed , shaking her head as she changed direction , veering off her intended path into the kitchen for the one that took her over to where her brother was on the couch . She should have known that even if he wasn 't awake , he 'd know she was up and moving the moment she got out of bed . Most of the time she tried not to move around at night , but she 'd given up on sleep . Again . He snorted . " You know it doesn 't work that way . You don 't retain the energy the way I do . You can 't use it to keep you awake for days - and you wouldn 't want to . " " Not in the same way . I don 't … I don 't think I 've ever really functioned like that . I remember being unable to sleep when Enadar needed the nightlight on , and I might have been showing signs of what I am even back then . " " Why are you awake if not because of me ? " Alik countered . " This is the third night in a row where you haven 't gotten any sleep . " Alik gave her a look , and Malina caved . " Fine . I … It … You know it 's been a year now , right ? Or almost . I … " He put his arm around her , and she started twisting the fabric of his shirt in her fingers until he caught them and made them stop . " Ice is a fragile thing . Too fragile , sometimes , for any real existence . It can be broken , it melts easily in the sun and becomes as nothing … and yet ice can be hard and stubborn and unyielding - " The whole indecision and insecurity set right in , unfortunately . I 'd started out to write the opening scene and ended up with a flashback . I do like the flashback , though . I have a feeling my supporting characters ( Stratford & Whistler ) might just upstage Dare , who is the main . " He 's up there in the trees again , isn 't he ? " Stratford Morren said , joining his steward on the balcony . This had become familiar to all of them , a routine that they only pretended to be irritated by these days . The boy he 'd taken into his home and later his heart had a smile and a manner that let him escape punishment for nearly every wrong and endeared him to everyone in the house , especially the cook . She loved to spoil him , thinking his every antic was both adorable and worth a reward . Had the boy less energy and enthusiasm for outdoor activities , he would be too large too move from his bed . As it was , though , his son was almost always to be found in the heights of one of the estate 's many trees or even on the roof . Soon enough he would be old enough to scale the cliff , and that day was one Stratford was not yet ready to see . " I swear that boy should have been born with wings . Though if he was , that would only make things more difficult with Mrs . Frye , who is determined to see him as an angel . " " Devils have wings as well , " Whistler said , and Stratford frowned . While some of their neighbours still disapproved of Dare 's presence among them , unusual foundling that he was , Whistler had been the one to watch over him in those early days , hardly leaving the child 's side until he had recovered from his fever . Stratford had always assumed that Whistler was as fond of the boy as he was . " They would , perhaps , lessen the risk of him injuring himself when he falls , " Whistler said dryly , looking up at the tree with a shudder . In all the years Stratford had known him - they had been raised almost as brothers - he had never cared for any kind of height . Dare was the opposite - that boy seemed to have an aversion to being on the ground . " He has yet to fall in all the time he 's lived here , " Stratford said . " I find it unlikely that he will do so now . Such a thing would almost be a sin against nature itself . " " Your mother thought every word out of my mouth was blasphemy , " Stratford reminded him , and Whistler fought against a smile . Amusing as the words were , they were very near truth . He was forever considered a poor influence , one that seemed to overcome Whistler 's natural practicality and good sense . Stratford considered that . He did not know that he objected to Dare climbing trees , not like others would , nor did he fear that his son would fall and injure himself . Something else about the boy 's behaviour had him troubled , and yet he had not felt it until now . " When was the last time he went down to the lake ? " Whistler frowned , his brow wrinkling in a way that made him seem much older than a man of eight and twenty , a condition that Stratford feared was permanent . " Now that you mention it , I do not think that he has been there in well over a month . At least - I am used to him returning in a state of filthiness that befits his time in the trees and not the cleansing he used to get at the lake . " Stratford grimaced . " I do not think he will ever understand the complexities of why he cannot be the same friend he was before with Cadence . I swear he doesn 't realize she 's female half the time and he doesn 't see why she has a governess and lessons on ladylike behaviour when he is still free . " Author 's Note : So I didn 't want to continue this idea . I figured it was … bad . Yet for some reason I felt compelled to do the other part of it , since Cress and Occie aren 't the only fourth generations in the Fire and Water universe . In fact … I found an interesting connection when I went looking , and I liked it , so … I wrote a bit for it . " Thank you . From you I consider that the highest complement . " Eshne Royston laughed , turning around to smile down at her nephew , glad she was not in her whole costume yet . The mask scared him , and she did not like wearing it herself , but she found it was a bit of protection that they both needed . If only Aedus hadn 't died , then none of this would be necessary , but she knew better than to think too much about what would be different if her brother was alive . The past was done . The present was now , and they all had to survive it however they could . " Dance ? " Egann asked , holding his little hands up to her , and she took them , moving in a small circle that would not make the little one dizzy . He laughed , his smile so bright and so like his father 's … Eshne bit back a sigh . She knew she would always remember her brother when she looked at his son , but she would like for it to stop hurting every time she did . If only their village hadn 't decided she was a witch - No . She was dancing . She was happy . All of that was forgotten . That was how it must be , how it should be . " Phemie , " Egann said , letting go of Eshne 's hands and running toward the door . He stood on his toes and tried to reach the handle , but he was still too small for that , thank goodness . One of these days , she 'd lose him , always afraid he would run off during one of her performances and she 'd lose the only family that she had left . She crossed over to the door , scooping him up before she opened the door to the other woman . " Are you able to watch him while I 'm gone ? I hate asking , but he 's still too young to be alone and I don 't have anyone - " " It 's no trouble , " Phemie said , taking Egann into her own large arms . The strong woman had no trouble carrying about the three year old , and she never seemed to tire of it , whereas Eshne knew that she would want nothing more than sleep after she was done with her routine . " I miss the days mine were as young as this wee one . " " No tears now , lass . Ye 've got to finish getting dressed , and ye cannot be spoiling your makeup with no tears , " Phemie admonished , pointing a thick finger at her . " I 've got this one , now ye get yerself out there and make them stare in wonder . " Eshne laughed , forcing herself back to the table and to the mask . As long as Egann couldn 't see it , she could wear it . She pulled it down off the back of her mirror and placed it on her face , adjusting it to where she could see . She looked at herself and shook her head . She 'd been ready to be a nun , and now look at her . She did not know of much more wanton or disgraceful outfit , even as much as she tried to give herself some modesty . The people saw only the fire anyway . She knew that . She was only a shadow in the flames , and even if her neckline was low and her skirt had a scandalous number of slits in it so that she could move without burning herself - not that she ever did , ever could . No one knew that , not even Phemie , and Eshne would not tell her , not after what happened to Aedus and his wife . This was a secret she knew must die with her , but not before Egann had grown , not until she 'd seen to his safety . He was innocent , and he need not suffer because his aunt had some strange - she would not call it a curse for she did not believe that was what it was , but she did not understand how she could command fire , either . She opened her palm , seeing the flame there , and closed it again , shaking her head and knowing that she would never allow anyone else to be harmed because of what she was . Egann would always be safe . She 'd make certain of that , even if it took being whatever monster she was to do it . He liked it more than he should . That was the trouble , same trouble as always . He knew that he shouldn 't like fire as much as he did , shouldn 't enjoy seeing things burn or the way the flames danced , and he knew that no one would see his affection for the blaze as natural . Or harmless . He looked again at the poster for the carnival . This was a tame way of indulging his love for fire , especially since the weather was too warm - other than a few strange bouts of heavy rain - for a fire in his room even at night . He did that , and people assumed he was either sick or some kind of freak . He supposed he was a bit of both . A freak show was a fitting place for him , then , almost where he belonged . He purchased a ticket and went inside the circle , looking around at the tents . He figured the main arena was the best place for him , a nice seat where he could watch people do stunts with fire - he hadn 't seen a fire - eater on the playbill , but he didn 't find that as interesting as he did the flaming hoops people would sometimes jump through . He didn 't notice the people so much as the flames , though . " Come on , laddies ! Not a one of ye wants to miss the amazing talents of Bedelia , the ancient goddess of fire ! See her invoke her most sensual of rites as she bedevils all ye ! " The crier called out to the crowd , and Hugh stopped . How was he supposed to resist a goddess of fire ? The stage burst into flames , and she leapt forward into them , rolling to a stop , the flames flaring up as she turned to face her audience . Some of the others exclaimed in surprise , but Hugh just frowned . He knew that some effects could be achieved by rigging elements a certain way , and he didn 't know all the details of that , no , because he didn 't trust himself with that kind of knowledge , but he remained aware of what she was doing more so than the others , he thought , because it was easy to lose her in the shadows as she wove in and out of the flames , dancing with them as she might a lover . A part of him was tempted to - no , that could hurt her , and he was only fooling himself if he thought that he could do it , but he wanted to see the flames go against her , just once . Not to hurt her , he didn 't want her harmed , but he wanted to know if she could truly do it . They called her a goddess , but he knew eighty percent of the carnival was fake and the other twenty percent was tragedy . She should be a fake . Impossible . He didn 't believe she was a goddess . She wasn 't a witch , either . He didn 't believe in either thing , and so he would just prove it . She couldn 't control fire . He didn 't know how he 'd prove it without matches , though . He didn 't allow himself to carry any , and a flint wouldn 't work . Still , if just that little patch there was stronger , taller - he sat back , telling himself he 'd imagined it changing , but then she hissed out a curse and her dress caught fire . " Please tell me I do not have to do this , " Dayla whispered , looking out at the window , not back at her mother . She could not face the woman , would rather not see that indifference on her face when she did . She forced herself to breathe despite the tightness of her dress , wishing she could free herself from that , if nothing else . " You know you must , " her mother said , coming over to put her hands on Dayla 's shoulders . " Your sister is too sick to manage it , and your brother is still trying to salvage the business . We need the money . You must marry him . " Dayla 's stomach twisted . She did not even like the man . He was more than twenty years her senior , and even if he were not , if she could overlook the differences in their ages , she knew it was almost impossible to do that with the conflicts of their minds . He treated her as though she were a child - or incapable of thinking on her own - tried to dictate her opinion and her clothing when he was no relation to her , no one to make those kinds of decisions for her , especially since they were hers to make . Her parents might think they had that right , but not him . He was not her husband . " Maybe it wouldn 't be for Hlynn , " Dayla disagreed with her brother , wanting to face him even less than she did her mother . " She 's quiet . Dutiful . I 'm not . I never was . " " Yes , but Hlynn has been sick for months now , and he likes you , sister dearest , though heaven knows why , " Cain told her as he came closer . Dayla wanted to throw her mother 's hands off and run , wanted to get far from that sense she got from her brother . Sometimes she wondered if Cain was why Hlynn was always sick , if that tug she felt from him whenever he was near was stronger for his twin , more like a poison . He drained her , made her feel empty and tired , so sick … They would say she was crazy , thinking that , considering Cain to be a monster , but she thought his name said more about him than it should , that he was too alike that first murderer , and she shouldn 't be frightened of her own brother , but she was . If only she could see this marriage as an escape , but she knew it wasn 't . She was trading one prison for another , and she could not do it . Outside , the sky darkened , rain clouds moving in fast , and she almost smiled when she saw it . Some people 's spirits would falter with such a sky , but hers always improved . Sometimes she swore she could make that rain come right to her when she wanted it , and now was the right time for it - let the sky cry since she was not allowed to , since she could not let Cain see her tears . Dayla looked back at the window . What if the rain could wash all of it away ? Not just the dirt in the street or that clinging to the house but the house itself and all her family ? Then she could run . She would be free . She would take Hlynn away from Cain and get her better for once . " I wonder if you 'll have to cancel , Mother . Look at that rain , " Cain said , and Dayla did turn to frown at him . Since when did rain bother him ? The look in his eyes was dark , though , and his tone was not at all in line with his thoughts , but their mother missed it as she stared out at the water . He was still smiling when he walked away , leaving Dayla with her mother and a mess of confusion . She couldn 't control the weather , could she ? No - but then she always knew when it would rain , and it did seem to follow her moods , but she had to be wrong - Cain couldn 't do that . That was like magic or witchcraft , and that was a sin if even existed , and she wasn 't like that . Destan Washbourne grunted , not wanting to make conversation at the moment . He did not know why they always seemed to seek him out when all he wanted was a drink and a few minutes of peace , but somehow he was forced to speak with men no better than gossipy women every time he stopped to rest for a while . He lifted his drink to his lips and gave the man a pointed glare . " I don 't care about your weather or anything else here , " Destan muttered , shoving his glass back toward the barkeep . " More . Now . Before this one has an accident . " " The kind that is going to kill you if you don 't leave me alone , " Destan warned , taking the bottle from the bartender and carrying it with him to the only open table . He would have preferred one that wasn 't at the window , but he didn 't need this now . He needed the liquor , needed to shut out the awareness he had of everyone in this place . He was fortunate - at least there were no prostitutes here trying to seduce or men lusting after them - but there were still too many emotions and no way to make them stop without more than this bottle . " That mean it 's the devil 's work ? " he asked , frowning . " I don 't want it . I swear I don 't . I just … know things . I can feel them . I want it to stop . S ' il te plaît , Arline . Help me find a way to stop it . Help me make it go away . " " Hush now , " she said , taking him into her arms and holding him against her as he cried . He knew she was worried , and he wanted to take that away , too , but he didn 't know how . He didn 't know how to be rid of it , not even to sleep , and he didn 't think he 'd managed to do much of that since he was twelve . " Ain 't no devil in my boy . He 's a good one . " " I 'm not your son , " he reminded her quietly . His parents had always left raising him to her , and he loved her more than he did his own mother , but he knew he wasn 't hers . He wasn 't anyone 's . They didn 't want him because he was wrong somehow . He tensed as he felt a new emotion enter the room , one unlike most of the ones he 'd felt so far this evening or any time in the past . He had never known something that felt so tangible , almost as though the hatred this man felt toward … everyone was something that could be touched and measured . He saw the man frown as he saw Destan , and then he went to the back , where the private rooms were . Destan glanced at the bottle , wondering if it had affected him more than usual , and then he felt something else - a pull . He 'd never known anything quite like that , either . He went to the door , leaning against it as he looked out into the night . This is a thin interpretation of the idea of music , but I couldn 't resist the idea of the dance , and I remembered a song from childhood that fit , John Micheal Montgomery 's " Life 's a Dance . " So … Dillon and Larina . Dancing . In a barn . " I am going to look like an idiot at this wedding . I 'd say Thyda hates me , but I know that 's not true . It 's just that her other bridesmaids do . Well , her maid of honor does . I swear she picked the dress that would look the worst on me - it 's the wrong color , too - just to make me look bad because Thyda was going to have me be the maid of honor until she found out I couldn 't sign the license because I 'm not old enough yet , " Larina said , leaning over the side of the stall , kicking at the wood . The horses were out so she could do it without disturbing them , and she was mad enough to want to even though she knew they couldn 't afford to fix the stall if she broke it . " I 'm too young to be a bridesmaid , so we have to get me something that looks appropriate for my age . " " You will look better than her no matter what you wear , " Dillon said , not looking up from the stall he was cleaning . " Just ignore them , Larina . The girl wants this part in Thyda 's wedding because she will never get her own . At least - not one as nice as Thyda 's . She 'll have to get her guy drunk in Vegas . " He shrugged . " I don 't like her . Never have . When she came around here , she 'd bother me on purpose . No , I pity any guy stupid enough to fall for her tricks , and I hope you won 't let her get to you because you are so much better than her - and prettier , too . " He stopped , setting aside his pitchfork . " Truth is , Larina , while I … I have noticed the way you look since you got older and started … filling in places , I 'm not … I 'm not comfortable with it . Dad always blamed the thing with my mom on her being - she was pretty ' til she had me , then he couldn 't stand the sight of her , and all he ever wanted from her was some … warm body in his bed . He hated that she gave him a kid , and he hated me for being that kid , and I 'd rather not think anyone was pretty because if that 's all he cared about and I start to think about it - " " No . " Annoyed , he got in her face . " I only like you , and that 's because you 're … you . You were my friend first , and I liked that . I think I would have kept that forever except … We both grew up and changed , and there 's this other part to us now . This … attraction . " He rubbed at where she 'd kissed him , getting a bit tense . " Larina , I 'm busy working . I 'm sweaty , gross , tired , and not in the mood to discuss Thyda 's friends . " " Fine . Tell me the dress isn 't as hideous as I think it is , and I 'll leave you alone , " she said , stepping around the stall gate so he could get a good look at it . " Well ? " Larina winced , trying not to cry . " She should be here for the wedding . It 's so wrong that she 's not . She was our mom . She loved this sort of thing . Thyda needs her . " " Don 't you dare blame yourself for what happened . It was a freak accident , Larina . No one could have known what that cow would do , " Dillon said , wrapping his arms even tighter around her . She closed her eyes , letting his arms soothe her as he rocked her gently around the barn . She 'd almost say they were dancing , but they weren 't . They didn 't have music . " ' Course she will . She 'll forgive everyone when her head comes out of the wedding fog . It 's what she does , " Larina said . " If we ever get married , don 't let me do that . I don 't want to lose all sense because of a big nonsense fuss like this . " Larina snorted . " Yeah , right . Not with us . Everyone keeps saying we 'll run off and elope the day I turn eighteen - the only reason we 're not married now is because I 'd need Burditt 's consent and he won 't give it . " She stopped , looking up at him . " Dillon , you do … love me , don 't you ? I mean , the first time we kissed you said maybe we 'd get married someday and - " " The idea of marriage scares me , " he admitted , his voice quiet . " It 's not that I don 't … I don 't know that I could ever feel anything more for someone else than I do for you , but I don 't … My father became such a monster after he had a kid - " " He was a monster before you were there . He had to be . Think about what he said about your mother , " Larina insisted . " No , Dillon , you won 't become him . I don 't believe that . Though … I know you 're scared you will , so we don 't have to rush into anything . Like I said , it 's not like Burditt will give permission . He 's still being dumb about it , and so we 'll have to wait at least until I 'm eighteen . You can relax . " Dillon let his head rest against hers . She tilted her head up so that she could kiss him , and he kissed her back , gentle as ever , and she let herself slid back into his arms , not caring one bit if he was dirty . He was Dillon . None of that mattered . |
BiologyChemistryConstructionCultureEcologyEconomyElectronicsFinanceGeographyHistoryInformaticsLawMathematicsMechanicsMedicineOtherPedagogyPhilosophyPhysicsPolicyPsychologySociologySportTourism This file was created 8 page ' He stretched out his hand and I took a note out of my wallet . We went home and to bed . I 'd had a long day and I slept like a log . ' ' Back - breaking at first , ' he grinned . ' Kosti worked it with the foreman and I was made his helper . At that time Kosti was working in a space about the size of a hotel bathroom and one got to it through a tunnel so low that you had to crawl through it on your hands and knees . It was as hot as hell in there and we worked in nothing but our pants . There was something terribly repulsive in that great white fat torso of Kosti 's ; he looked like a huge slug . The row of the pneumatic cutter in that narrow space was deafening . My job was to gather the blocks of coal that he hacked away and load a basket with them and drag the basket through the tunnel to its mouth , where it could be loaded into a truck when the train came along at intervals on its way to the elevators . It 's the only coal mine I 've ever known , so I don 't know if that 's the normal practice . It seemed amateurish to me and it was damned hard work . At half time we knocked off for a rest and ate our lunch and smoked . I wasn 't sorry when we were through for the day , and gosh , it was good to have a bath . I thought I 'd never get my feet clean ; they were as black as ink . Of course my hands blistered and they got as sore as the devil , but they healed . I got used to the work . ' ' I was only kept on that job for a few weeks . The trucks that carried the coal to the elevators were hauled by a tractor and the driver was a poor mechanic and the engine was always breaking down . Once he couldn 't get it going and he didn 't seem to know what to do . Well , I 'm a pretty good mechanic , so I had a look at it and in half an hour I got it working . The foreman told the manager and he sent for me and asked me if I knew about cars . The result was that he gave me the mechanic 's job ; of course it was monotonous , but it was easy , and because they didn 't have any more engine trouble they were pleased with me . ' Kosti was as sore as hell at my leaving him . I suited him and he 'd got used to me . I got to know him pretty well , working with him all day , going to the bistro with him after supper , and sharing a room with him . He was a funny fellow . He was the sort of man who 'd have appealed to you . He didn 't mix with the Poles and we didn 't go to the cafes they went to . He couldn 't forget he was a nobleman and had been a cavalry officer and he treated them like dirt . Naturally they resented it , but they couldn 't do anything about it ; he was as strong as an ox , and if it had ever come to a scrap , knives or no knives , he 'd have been a match for half a dozen of them together . I got to know some of them all the same , and they told me he 'd been a cavalry officer all right in one of the smart regiments , but it was a lie about his having left Poland for political reasons . He 'd been kicked out of the Officers ' Club at Warsaw and cashiered because he 'd been caught cheating at cards . They warned me against playing with him . They said that was why he fought so shy of them , because they knew too much about him and wouldn 't play with him . ' I 'd been losing to him consistently , not much , you know , just a few francs a night , but when he won he always insisted on paying for drinks , so it didn 't amount to anything really . I thought I was just having a run of bad luck or that I didn 't play as well as he did . But after that I kept my eyes skinned and I was dead sure he was cheating , but d ' you know , for the life of me I couldn 't see how he did it . Gosh , he was clever . I knew he simply couldn 't have the best cards all the time . I watched him like a lynx . He was as cunning as a fox and I guess he saw I 'd been put wise to him . One night , after we 'd been playing for a while , he looked at me with that rather cruel , sarcastic smile of his which was the only way he knew how to smile , and said : ' He took the pack of cards and asked me to name one . He shuffled them and he told me to choose one ; I did , and it was the card I 'd named . He did two or three more tricks and then he asked me if I played poker . I said I did and he dealt me a hand . When I looked at it I saw I 'd got four aces and a king . ' " You 'd be silly . " He put down the hand he 'd dealt himself . It was a straight flush . How it was done I don 't know . He laughed at my amazement . " If I weren 't an honest man I 'd have had your shirt by now . " ' We continued to play pretty well every night . I came to the conclusion that he cheated not so much for the money as for the fun of it . It gave him a queer satisfaction to know that he was making a fool of me , and I think he got a lot of amusement out of knowing that I was on to what he was doing and couldn 't see how it was done . ' But that was only one side of him and it was the other side that made him so interesting to me . I couldn 't reconcile the two . Though he boasted he never read anything but the paper and detective stories he was a cultivated man . He was a good talker , caustic , harsh , cynical , but it was exhilarating to listen to him . He was a devout Catholic and had a crucifix hanging over his bed , and he went to Mass every Sunday regularly . On Saturday nights he used to get drunk . The bistro we went to was crammed jammed full then , and the air was heavy with smoke . There were quiet , middle - aged miners with their families , and there were groups of young fellows kicking up a hell of a row , and there were men with sweaty faces round tables playing belote with loud shouts , while their wives sat by , a little behind them , and watched . The crowd and the noise had a strange effect on Kosti and he 'd grow serious and start talking - of all unlikely subjects - of mysticism . I knew nothing of it then but an essay of Maeterlinck 's on Ruysbroek that I 'd read in Paris . But Kosti talked of Plotinus and Denis the Areopagite and Jacob Boehme the shoemaker and Meister Eckhart . It was fantastic to hear that great hulking hum , who 'd been thrown out of his own world , that sardonic , bitter down - and - out , speaking of the ultimate reality of things and the blessedness of union with God . It was all new to me and I was confused and excited . I was like someone who 's lain awake in a darkened room and suddenly a chink of light shoots through the curtains and he knows he only has to draw them and there the country will be spread before him in the glory of the dawn . But if I tried to get him on the subject when he was sober he got mad at me . His eyes were spiteful . ' But I knew he was lying . He knew perfectly well what he was talking about . He knew a lot . Of course he was soused , but the look in his eyes , the rapt expression on his ugly face , weren 't due only to drink . There was moreto it than that . The first time he talked in that way he said something that I 've never forgotten , because it horrified me ; he said that the world isn 't a creation , for out of nothing nothing comes ; but a manifestation of the eternal nature ; well , that was all right , but then he added that evil is as direct a manifestation of the divine as good . They were strange words to hear in that sordid , noisy cafe , to the accompaniment of dance tunes on the mechanical piano . ' To give the reader a moment 's rest I am starting here upon a new section , but I am doing it only for his convenience ; the conversation was uninterrupted . I may take this opportunity to say that Larry spoke without haste , often choosing his words with care , and though of course I do not pretend to report them exactly , I have tried to reproduce not only the matter , but the manner of his discourse . His voice , rich in tone , had a musical quality that was grateful to the earrand as he talked without gesticulation of any kind , puffing away at his pipe and stopping now and again to relight it , he looked you in the face with a pleasant , often whimsical expression in his dark eyes . ' Then the spring came , late in that flat , dismal part of the country , cold and rainy still ; but sometimes a fine warm day made it hard to leave the world above ground and go down hundreds of feet in a rickety elevator , crowded with miners in their grimy overalls , into the bowels of the earth . It was spring all right , but it seemed to come shyly in that grim and sordid landscape as though unsure of a welcome . It was like a flower , a daffodil or a lily , growing in a pot on the window - sill of a slum dwelling and you wondered what it did there . One Sunday morning we were lying in bed , we always slept late on Sunday morning , and I was reading , when Kosti said to me out of a blue sky : ' Next day we told the foreman we were through . I found a fellow who was willing to take my grip in exchange for a rucksack . I gave the clothes 1 didn 't want or couldn 't carry on my back to the younger of Madame Leclerc 's sons who was about my size . Kosti left a bag , packed what he wanted in his rucksack and the day after , as soon as the old girl had given us our coffee , we started off . ' We weren 't in any hurry as we knew we couldn 't get taken on at a farm at least until the hay was ready to cut , and so we dawdled along through France and Belgium by way of Namur and Liege and got into Germany through Aachen . We didn 't do more than ten or twelve miles a day . When we liked the look of a village we stopped there . There was always some kind of an inn where we could get beds and an alehouse where we could get something to eat and beer to drink . On the whole we had fine weather . It was grand to be out in the open air after all those months in the mine . I don 't think I 'd ever realized before how good a green meadow is to look at and how lovely a tree is when the leaves aren 't out yet , but the branches are veiled in a faint green mist . Kosti started to teach me German and I believe he spoke it as well as he spoke French . As we trudged along he would tell me the German for the various objects we passed , a cow , a horse , a man and so on , and then make me repeat simple German sentences . It made the time pass and by the time we got into Germany I could at least ask for the things I wanted . ' Cologne was a bit out of our way , but Kosti insisted on going there , on account of the Eleven Thousand Virgins , he said , and when we got there he went on a bat . I didn 't see him for three days and when he turned up at the room we 'd taken in a sort of workmen 's rooming - house he was very surly . He 'd got in a fight and he had a black eye and a cut on his lip . He wasn 't a pretty object , I can tell you . He went to bed for twenty - four hours , and then we started to walk down the valley of the Rhine towards Darmstadt , where he said the country was good and we stood the best chance of getting work . ' I never enjoyed anything more . The fine weather held and we wandered through towns and villages . When there were sights to see we stopped off and looked at them . We put up where we could and once or twice we slept in a loft on the hay . We ate at wayside inns , and when we got in the wine country we turned from beer to wine . We made friends with the people in the taverns we drank in . Kosti had a sort of rough joviality that inspired them with confidence and he 'd play skat with them , that 's a German card game , and skin them with such bluff good humour , with the earthy jokes they appreciated , that they hardly minded losing their pfennigs to him . I practised my German on them . I 'd bought a little English - German conversation grammar at Cologne and I was getting on pretty well . And then at night , when he 'd got a couple of litres of white wine inside him , Kosti would talk in a morbid way of the flight from the Alone to theAlone , of the Dark Night of the Soul and of the final ecstasy in which the creature becomes one with the Beloved . But when in the early morning , as we walked through the smiling country , with the dew still on the grass , I tried to get him to tell me more , he grew so angry that he could have hit me . ' " Shut up , you fool , " he said . " What do you want with all that stuff and nonsense ? Come , let 's get on with our German . " ' You can 't argue with a man who 's got a fist like a steam hammer and wouldn 't think twice about using it . I 'd seen him in a rage . I knew he was capable of laying me out cold and leaving me in a ditch and I wouldn 't have put it past him to empty my pockets while I was out . I couldn 't make head or tail of him . When wine had loosened his tongue and he spoke of the Ineffable , he shed the rough obscene language that he ordinarily used , like the grimy overalls he wore in the mine , and he was well - spoken and even eloquent . I couldn 't believe he wasn 't sincere . I don 't know how it occurred to me , but I got the idea somehow that he 'd taken on that hard , brutal labour of the mine to mortify his flesh . I thought he hated that great , uncouth body of his and wanted to torture it , and that his cheating and his bitterness and his cruelty were the revolt of his will against - oh , I don 't know what you 'd call it - against a deep - rooted instinct of holiness , against a desire for God that terrified and yet obsessed him . ' We 'd taken our time , the spring was pretty well over and the trees were in full leaf . The grapes in the vineyards were beginning to fill out . We kept to the dirt roads as much as we could and they were getting dusty . We were in the neighbourhood of Darmstadt , and Kosti said we 'd better start looking for ajob . Our money was getting short . I had half a dozen travellers ' cheques in my pocket , but I 'd made up my mind not to use them if I could possibly help it . When we saw a farmhouse that looked promising we stopped and asked if they wanted a couple of hands . I dare say we didn 't look very inviting . We were dusty and sweaty and dirty . Kosti looked a terrible ruffian and I don 't suppose I looked much better either . We were turned down time after time . At one place the farmer said he 'd take Kosti but couldn 't do with me and Kosti said we were buddies and wouldn 't separate . I told him to go ahead , but he wouldn 't . I was surprised . I knew Kosti had taken a fancy to me , though I couldn 't imagine why , as I didn 't begin to be the kind of guy he had any use for , but I would never have thought he liked me well enough to refuse ajob on my account . I felt rather conscience - stricken as we walked on , because I didn 't really like him , in fact I found him rather repulsive , but when I tried to say something to show I was pleased with what he 'd done , he bit my head off . ' But at last our luck turned . We 'd just gone through a village in a hollow and we came to a rambling farmhouse that didn 't look so bad . We knocked at the door and a woman opened it . We offered ourselves as usual . We said we didn 't want any wages , but were willing to work for our board and lodging , and to my surprise instead of slamming the door in our face , she told us to wait . She called to someone inside the house and presently a man came out . He had a good stare at us and asked us where we came from . He asked to see our papers . He gave me another stare when he saw I was American . He didn 't seem to like it very much , but anyhow he asked us to come in and have a glass of wine . He took us into the kitchen and we sat down . The woman brought a flagon and some glasses . He told us that his hired man had been gored by a bull and was in hospital and wouldn 't be fit for anything till after the harvest was in . With so many men killed , and others going into the factories that were springing up along the Rhine , it was the devil 's own job to get labour . We knew that and had been counting on it . Well , to make a long story short he said he 'd take us . There was plenty of room in the house , but I suppose he didn 't fancy having us there ; anyway he told us there were two beds in the hayloft and that was where we were to sleep . ' The work wasn 't hard . There were the cows to look after and the hogs ; the machinery was in a bad way , and we had to do something about that ; but I had some leisure . I loved the sweet - smelling meadows and in the evenings I used to wander about and dream . It was a good life . ' The household consisted of old Becker , his wife , his widowed daughter - indaw , and her children . Becker wasiaheavy , grey - haired man in his late forties ; he 'd been through the war and still limped from a wound in the leg . It hurt him a lot and he drank to kill the pain . He was generally high by the time he got to bed . Kosti got on with him fine and they used to go down to the inn together after supper to play skat and swill wine . Frau Becker had been a hired girl . They 'd got her out of an orphanage and Becker had married her soon after his wife 's death . She was a good many years younger than he was , rather handsome in a way , full - blown , with red cheeks and fair hair and a hungry sensual look . It didn 't take Kosti long to come to the conclusion that there was something doing there . I told him not to be a fool . We had a good job and we didn 't want to lose it . He only jeered at me ; he said Becker wasn 't satisfying her and she was asking for it . I knew it was useless to appeal to his sense of decency , but I told him to be careful ; it might be that Becker wouldn 't see what he was after , but there was his daughter - in - law , and she wasn 't missing anything . ' Ellie , that was her name , was a thickset , big young woman , well under thirty , with black eyes and black hair , a sallow square face and a sullen look . She still wore mourning for her husband killed at Verdun . She was very devout and on Sunday morning trudged down to the village to early Mass and again in the afternoon to vespers . She had three children , one of whom had been born after her husband 's death , and she never spoke at meals except to scold them . She did little work on the farm , but spent most of her time looking after the kids , and in the evening sat by herself in the sitting - room , with the door open so that she could hear if one of them was crying , and read novels . The two women hated one another . Ellie despised Frau Becker because she was a foundling and had been a servant , and bitterly resented her being the mistress of the house and in a position to give orders . ' Ellie was the daughter of a prosperous farmer and had brought a good dowry with her . She hadn 't gone to the village school , but to Zwingenberg , the nearest town , where there was a girl 's gymnasium , and she 'd got quite a good education . Poor Frau Becker had come to the farm when she was fourteen and if she could read and write that 's about all she could do . That was another cause of discord between the two women . Ellie lost no opportunity of showing off her knowledge , and Frau Becker , red in the face with anger , would ask what use it was to a farmer 's wife . Then Ellie would look at her husband 's identification disc which she wore on a steel chain round her wrist and with a bitter look on her sullen face say : ' Oh , they thought I 'd deserted from the American Army and couldn 't go back to America or I 'd be put in jail . That 's how they explained that I didn 't care to go down to the inn and drink with Becker and Kosti . They thought I didn 't want to attract attention to myself and have the village constable asking questions . When Ellie found out I was trying to learn German she brought out her old schoolbooks and said she 'd teach me . So after supper she and I would go into the sitting - room , leaving Frau Becker in the kitchen , and I 'd read aloud to her while she corrected my accent and tried to make me understand words I couldn 't get the sense of . I guessed she was doing it not so much to help me as to put something over on Frau Becker . ' All this time Kosti was trying to make Frau Becker and wasn 't getting anywhere . She was a jolly , merry woman and quite prepared to joke and laugh with him , and he had a way with him with women . I guess she knew what he was after and I dare say she was flattered , but when he started pinching her she told him to keep his hands to himself and smacked his face . And I bet it was a good hard smack . ' ' I 've never been the sort who thinks women are after me , but it occurred to me that - well , that Frau Becker had fallen for me . It made me rather uncomfortable . For one thing she was a lot older than me , and then old Becker had been very decent to us . She dished out the food at table and I couldn 't help noticing that she helped me more liberally than the others , and she seemed to me to look for opportunities of being alone with me . She 'd smile at me in what I suppose you 'd call a provocative manner . She 'd ask me if I had a girl , and say that a young fellow like me must suffer for the want of it in a place like that . You know the sort of thing . I only had three shirts and they were pretty well worn . Once she said it was a disgrace that I should wear such rags and if I 'd bring them along she 'd mend them . Ellie heard her and next time we were alone said that if I had anything to mend she 'd do it . I said it didn 't matter . But a day or two later I found that my socks had been darned and my shirts patched and put back on the bench in the loft on which we kept our things ; but which of them had done it I don 't know . Of course I didn 't take Frau Becker seriously ; she was a good - natured old soul and I thought it might be just motherliness on her part ; but then one day Kosti said to me : ' " What of it ? You go ahead , my boy , I won 't stand in your way . She 's not so young as she might be , but she 's a fine figure of a woman . " ' " Why d ' you hesitate ? Not on my account , I hope . I 'm a philosopher and I know there are as good fish in the sea as ever came out . I don 't blame her . You 're young . I 've been young too . Jeunesse ne dure qu ' un moment . " ' I wasn 't too pleased that Kosti was so sure of what I didn 't want to believe . I didn 't quite know how to deal with the situation , and then I recalled various things that hadn 't struck me at the time . Things said by Ellie that I hadn 't paid much attention to . But now I understood them and I was pretty sure that she too knew what was happening . She 'd turn up suddenly in the kitchen when Frau Becker and I happened to be alone . I got the impression that she was watching us . I didn 't like it . I thought she was out to catch us . I knew she hated Frau Becker , and if she had half a chance she 'd make trouble . Of course I knew she couldn 't catch us , but she was a malevolent creature and I didn 't know what lies she mightn 't invent and pour into old Becker 's ears . I didn 't know what to do except to pretend I was such a fool I didn 't see what the old girl was up to . I was happy at the farm and enjoying the work and I didn 't want to go till after we 'd got the harvest in . ' I couldn 't help smiling . I could imagine what Larry had looked like then , in his patched shirt and shorts , his face and neck burnt brown by the hot sun of the Rhine valley , with his lithe slim body , and his black eyes in their deep sockets . I could well believe that the sight of him set the matronly Frau Becker , so blonde , so full - breasted , all of a flutter with desire . ' Well , the summer wore on . We worked like demons there . We cut and stacked the hay . Then the cherries were ripe , Kosti and I got up on ladders and picked them , and the two women put them in great baskets and old Becker took them into Zwingenberg and sold them . Then we cut the rye . And of course there were always the animals to look after . We were up before dawn and we didn 't stop work till nightfall . I supposed Frau Becker had given me up as a bad job ; as far as I could without offending her , I kept her at arm 's length . I was too sleepy to read much German in the evenings and soon after supper I 'd take myself off to our loft and fall into bed . Most evenings Becker and Kosti went to the inn down in the village , but I was fast asleep by the time Kosti came back . It was hot in the loft and I slept naked . ' One night I was awakened . At the first moment I couldn 't make out what it was ; I was only half awake . I felt a hot hand on my mouth and I realized somebody was in bed with me . I tore the hand away and then a mouth was pressed to mine , two arms were thrown round me , and I felt Frau Becker 's great breasts against my body . ' What could I do ? I could hear Kosti breathing heavily in his sleep in the bed next to mine . The situation of Joseph has always seemed to me faintly ridiculous . I was only just twenty - three . I couldn 't make a scene and kick her out . I didn 't want to hurt her feelings . I did what was expected of me . ' Then she slipped out of bed and tiptoed out of the loft . I can tell you , I heaved a sigh of relief . You know , I 'd been scared . " Gosh , " I said , " what a risk to take ! " I thought it likely that Becker had come home drunk and fallen asleep in a stupor , but they slept in the same bed , and it might be that he 'd woken up and seen his wife wasn 't , there . And there was Ellie . She always said she didn 't sleep well . If she 'd been awake she 'd have heard Frau Becker go downstairs and out of the house . And then , suddenly , something struck me . When Frau Becker was in bed with me I 'd felt a piece of metal against my skin . I 'd paid no attention , you know one doesn 't in those circumstances , and I 'd never thought of asking myself what the devil it was . And now it flashed across me . I was sitting on the side of my bed thinking and worrying about the consequences of all this and it was such a shock that I jumped up . The piece of metal was Ellie 's husband 's identification disc that she wore round her wrist and it wasn 't Frau Becker that had been in bed with me . It was Ellie . ' ' Perhaps . But it was an awkward situation . I didn 't know what it was going to lead to . I didn 't like Ellie . I thought her a most unpleasant female . ' ' It was pitch dark . She never said a word except to tell me to keep my trap shut . They were both big stout women . I thought Frau Becker had her eye on me . It never occurred to me for a moment that Ellie gave me a thought . She was always thinking of her husband . I lit a cigarette and thought the position over and the more I thought of it the less I liked it . It seemed to me that the best thing I could do was to get out . ' I 'd often cursed Kosti because he was so hard to wake . When we were at the mine I used to have to shake the life out of him to get him up in time to go to work . But I was thankful now that he slept so heavily . I lit my lantern and dressed , bundled my things into my rucksack - I hadn 't got much , so it didn 't take a minute - and slipped my arms through the straps . I walked across the loft in my stocking feet and didn 't put my shoes on till I got to the bottom of the ladder . I blew out the lantern . It was a dark night , with no moon , but I knew my way to the road and I turned in the direction of the village . I walked fast as I wanted to get through it before anyone was up and about . It was only twelve miles to Zwingenberg and I got there just as it was stirring . I shall never forget that walk . There wasn 't a sound except my footsteps on the road and now and then the crowing of a cock in a farm . Then the first greyness when it wasn 't yet light and not quite dark , and the first hint of dawn , and the sunrise with the birds all starting to sing , and that lush green country , meadows and woods and the wheat in the fields silvery gold in the cool light of the beginning day . I got a cup of coffee at Zwingenberg and a roll , then I went to the post office and sent a wire to the American Express to have my clothes and my books sent to Bonn . ' |
Oh my gosh , it 's been so long since I wrote anything . We are all getting ready for Santa . It doesn 't really feel like Christmas without snow but both DH and I are excited about Santa coming . Little Prince still wants a " horse - with - a - long - neck " ( aka ; giraffe ) and toys . I happen to know he 's getting a 4ft giraffe ! Princess is getting her share of presents also . We simply can 't wait ! We have two new additions to our family . Six month twin girls ! The agency called us a week ago Tuesday , around 10am and asked us to pick them up at 1 : 00 from the local office . As luck would have it , I was at work and DH was at home with LP and Princess . Because he couldn 't fit our two plus the babies in the car , I was going to leave work long enough to meet him at the office and get everyone home . Well , nothing could be that simple . . . It turns out something happened at the office and DH was told he would have to pick them up in a little town about a hour north of us . I couldn 't leave work for that long ! He had to ask our neighbor to come over to watch the kids so he could drive to get the girls . When he got there , the caseworker informed him that they wanted to take the babies to be checked out by a doctor and DH could pick them up at about 2 : 45 . Mean while , I left work to get baby supplies like diapers , formula , bottles , etc . I was like a confused , new mom . I had to guess at the diaper size ( I guessed right ) . I also guessed at the formula type which was wrong . I bought regular Similac and they actually needed sensitive . We only gave them one day of the regular and knew we had to buy the sensitive . They also came with bad colds and a bottle of Amoxicilin . They were both suppose to be on the antibiotic but " mom " could only get one filled . I know it against the law blah blah blah but I split the bottle between the two of them to try to make it for the next six days . It didn 't stretch that far . Now I have a feeling I 'm going to have to take them to a doctor for another prescription . They are good babies even if they are sick . Little Prince sMic It 's been a long five days away from the family . I had to go out of town for work but it was also fun . I talked to Little Prince everyday , if not twice a day . This morning he asked me if I was on my airplane yet , " no , not yet " . I only talk to him for a few minutes but he would tell me he 's being good or he told me he was watching a movie and what movie . One day he told me he was pooping in the potty ! DH has told me Little Prince has made it to the potty every time except one . He even told DH he had to go when he had diarrhea . We are so proud of him . One day DH told him he was so proud of him and he responded " so proud you cry ? " I asked DH why he would say that . DH had told Little Prince , days earlier that he made him so happy that he could cry . It 's amazing what he thinks and puts together and some of the things that comes of out of his mouth like ; he was telling me " poop came out of my butt down there ! " . DH has been asking him what he wants Santa Claus to bring him . He wants a horsey - with - a - long - neck ( giraffe ) . But the other day he said the same thing but added a toy box . DH thought he said tool box but Little Prince said " no , toy box like _____ ( princesses ) . He has a little one but I guess he 's planning for more toys ! We have already started Christmas shopping quite a while ago . The bigger items are a tricycle for him , a little bicycle for her and a sled / toboggan for the both of them . We have also bought them puzzled and more educational type toys . They will be having a very good Christmas . We are sure Princess will have a good Christmas also but we can not be sure what she wants . She has been acting a little beyond her norm . She 's wetting her pullups a lot and not going potty when we put her on the potty . She still goes into the bathroom herself if she has to have a bowel movement but wetting is a different story . Maybe she has a bladder infection or she is being effected by us moving , into another house , more than what we think . We can 't really tell how much she understands or how much something is going to effePosted by The word " Nasty " can refer to all kinds of things . Little Prince calls food he doesn 't like - nasty , or messy stuff - nasty and anything he thinks looks weird is " nasty " . Well the other day , DH and Little Prince come home after taking Princess to school . Little Prince went running for the door but DH said " wait while Daddy finishes his nasty ( meaning cigarette ) . So , they walked around for a few minutes , looking for some trim , in the garage . After about two minutes , Little Prince looked up at DH and asked " are you done pooping , Daddy ? " DH told him that Daddy didn 't poop and Little Prince said " _ ( I ) _ didn 't poop either " . I couldn 't stop laugh when DH told me that . You wouldn 't believe what comes out of his mouth sometimes . Little Prince still has it in the back of his mind that we are either moving without him or he 's moving without us . This morning DH packed up most of his closet ( I haven 't started on mine ! ) . Little Prince asked him what he was doing and DH told him he was packing his cloths so we can move to the new house . DH looked down at LP and he was standing there with his little lip sticking out - pouting . DH told him we are not moving without him and he brighten right up . I don 't think LP will feel comfortable until we are all moved . Then we will have to deal with foster kids coming and going . We are hoping that LP understands that when the kids leave that he won 't be leaving . The court appointed person for the kids , asked us if we had started the adoption process . We haven 't yet . Actually , I think we will wait until the termination of parental rights are done before we proceed . We have no doubt that we will be adopting them but the kid 's therapist brought up a good point ; sometimes if the adoption process has been started before TPR , the courts look at it as if the foster parents and the county are not for reunification . We are not really in any hurry right now anyway . As far as we are concerned , they are our children already . We have already started Christmas shopping . We bought quite a few puzzles and educPosted by You know from my last entry that we will be moving into a bigger house with more than enough room for more children . Well , while we were looking at the house , I asked Little Prince which room he wanted for his room . He kept saying " no " to every room I asked him about even though three of the rooms were decorated in small children themes . I thought ; no big deal , he can pick later . As DH was in talking to Linda , I put the kids into their car seats . Little Prince told me he wanted a new mommy . I asked him what he said and he said it again but wouldn 't tell me why . He actually told me to go away and he wanted a new mommy ! I tried not to let it bother me but it hurt me for him to say that . And yes , I know he 's only two but it still hurt . When DH got out to the car I told him what Little Prince had said . DH asked him about it and when LP reiterated what he had told me , DH told him that wasn 't very nice . We decided to drop it because maybe LP didn 't know what he was saying . The next day , Little Prince was talking about not having his TV anymore , his movies anymore and so on . As he 's talking to us about this , it dawned on DH , Little Prince thought he was leaving us and moving in with a new family ! You should have seen the look on his face when DH and I told him we were all moving and that we will never send him away and we will always be his mommy and daddy . The smile on his face was priceless ! For the last few days that 's all he talks about . . . " I take my movies and Daddy and Mommy and " Princess " and ____ ( insert pet names ) . This is going to work out so good . Little Prince will have children in a safe neighborhood to play with and have the experience of multiple brothers and sisters . I thought once we told the agency we would take the house , we would be nervous but either one of us are having negative feelings . Like DH said , someone is looking over us up there . This is what we were meant to do . I always knew that there was a reason why we couldn 't get pregnant , this must be it . We looked at a house today and have decided to move and sell our current house ! It 's a big decision but it 's just too good to pass up . The house is almost twice as big as ours and has more than twice as many bedrooms and bathrooms . It will let us take in more foster children which is what we wanted to do but didn 't have the room . I can 't really write about the details but it is a real sweet deal . The kids are doing real good . Princess is doing fine but we haven 't heard her say anything for what seems like forever . Although , DH thought he heard her say " daddy " tonight but can 't be sure . We started giving her sub lingual B12 everyday about two weeks ago . We haven 't noticed any improvements but I figure it can take longer than two weeks . She does seems to be going into the bathroom more but still wets at least 2 to 3 pullups a day . She has also started throwing herself on the floor / ground more than she ever did . She doesn 't really throw herself , more like drops herself . I think she expects us to hold her up and at first we were but not now . Both of us just lower her to the floor / ground and tell her to get up . Usually she gets right up . Today was kind of funny . I picked her up from school and she pulled the same thing . Well , she had her backpack on so when she went to the ground she looked like a turtle on it 's back . She had to roll over and get on all fours to get back up ! I didn 't let her see me smile but it was pretty funny . When I told DH about it , he told me she did the same thing the other morning on the way to school . Little Prince has been testing me like there 's no tomorrow . He tells me " no " when I ask him to do something . He gets mad and throws stuff . He stomps his foot and yells . I was about in tears the other night . I know I shouldn 't take it personal but he was really trying me . He doesn 't do those things when DH is home , only when DH is at work . I know I just have to stand my ground and get past this time in his life . Linda , at the agency , told me to try " time in " instead of " time out " . I started trying Posted by Wow , I didn 't realize that it 's been almost two weeks since I wrote anything . Nothing much has changed . Princess has good days and bad . The last few days have been pretty good . She 's been giving me a lot of attention with hugs , kisses and smiles . She 's been using one of the magnet picture I put on the refrigerator . She wanted to play with the piano the other day and I told her she had to ask . So I showed her the music magnet . After that she would bring me the magnet a couple times a day to play on the piano . DH told me today that he bets she could be taught how to play . At first she just hit the keys with either her fingers or her arms but after I told her she had to use her fingers , that 's all she did . Some other good things lately is she went to the potty at least three times yesterday without being asked and her and Little Prince have been watching movies and playing together nicely . I peeked into his room one afternoon to see what they were doing . They were sitting in one bean bag together watching a movie . It was so cute . Then last evening I heard them giggling in her room and I went to check on them . He was laying on the floor and she was sitting on him . Usually it 's the other way around . They wrestle together but usually he is the one that pulls her down and sits on her . She is definitely acting more like an older sister should . Little Prince gave her a kiss and a hug at bedtime and she smiled . In the past , she just layed there . Little Prince has started this thing with not wanting to wear a diaper but he 's not good enough about using the potty to wear big boy underware . It was so funny . . a few days ago he said he had to go potty so we ran into the bathroom and I pulled down his pjs and took his dry diaper off to sit him up on the potty ( chair on top ) . I told him to stay there until I came back . I was gone less than a minute when he met me in the hall with his pjs up . I asked him if he had a diaper on ( like I didn 't know the answer ? ? ) . He said " No " and tore off toward the livingroom . He 's fast and hard to catPosted by Princess has had three good days in a roll . She 's even been giving me hugs and kisses . She 's gone to the potty on her own several times . She still gets frustrated when we don 't know what she wants . I either never noticed or she just started to forget her signs . She won 't tell you what she wants whether it 's a cookie or a drink . We are really starting to work on this since it can be very frustrating for both her and us . I made up some little picture squares to go along with the ones her teacher sent home . I then glued them to magnets to stick on the side of the frig . I 'm going to start working with her tomorrow . I 'm hoping she will point or even bring us a magnet when she wants something . I 'm only starting with about a dozen basic needs . I will only work on a few at a time . Something else we 've been working on is Little Prince 's potty training . I can 't seem to get him to go the potty before goes in his diaper . When I do ask him if he has to go potty , he cries and says he 's fine . Even when I try to change his diaper , he makes a fuss . He has never got in trouble for messing in his diaper so I don 't understand what 's changed . Tonight right before dinner , I asked him if he wanted his big boy pants on . I hung a pair above the toilet a couple days ago to remind him that they were there . He didn 't want them on at first and kept saying " diaper " but finally I talked him into it . I thought it would be a good idea to have him go in the potty first but that didn 't help . Half way through dinner he told me he was wet . We went into the bathroom and he tried to go in the potty and I put a clean / dry pair of underwear on him . After he had eaten all his dinner , no more than 30 minutes later , he told me he was wet . I admit , I got upset . How could he pee his pants again when he just went and didn 't have anything to drink with dinner ? This time I put a diaper on him and proceed to clean up the mess . He didn 't just pee a little bit but a big puddle on the chair . I even had to wash the padding on his booster / high chair . I wonder if he jusPosted by Princess is having a great day today . She woke up when she wanted to and was in a good mood . She received something to drink and then went potty when she was asked . Then she was asked to get some socks from her room she left to get them . After a little while , DH went to check on her . She was sitting on the floor of her room , with her back to the door , putting on her socks . She already had a pair of shorts on ( they were sitting on her vanity ) . DH went to her dresser , without her noticing , and got out a t - shirt and walked out . A little later Princess came out with the t - shirt on and her shoes on . . the right feet no less ! ! When I got home , Little Prince was engross in a TV show and didn 't even notice I was home . It gave me a chance to change my clothes and give Princess some loves . She was full of smiles . I picked her up and she rubbed her cheek on my cheek . It was so sweet . She was laughing and hugging . I love it when she 's like that . Little Prince noticed me during a commercial . I found out he had been watching Jurassic Park . Well anyway , I guess Princess is " back " or was she just having a good day . She is still on the Amoxicillin so we were expecting she would be regressed until at least early next week but maybe , just maybe it wasn 't the Amoxicillin . Maybe it was either the Motrin , fever , or did the daycare give her something again while she was there last Sunday ? The kids had to go to daycare for six hours Sunday morning . We really tried to work it out so they wouldn 't have to go but DH needed some sleep and I had to work . Anyway , the daycare lady didn 't seem as friendly as usual . Maybe she was just tired . Two of her own kids have been sick and she told me that she had spent the last few days on the couch . I guess we won 't know exactly what caused the regression until maybe Princess gets sick again . First ; Princess has regressed back again . We are thinking it 's because of the Amoxicillin or I guess it could be the Motrin . We really don 't know what caused it , but it 's not good . She sometimes looks at us like she doesn 't even know us . She has forgot signs until we reminder her by asking what she wants and trying to guess . She 's throwing fits and wakes up grouchy . This morning I woke up to Little Prince giving me a kiss to wake me up . What a wonderful way to wake up . Princess was another story . We tried to wake her up slowly by turning on the hallway light , which shines into her room but not on her bed . She seemed to be waking up nicely until she actually got up . All she did was cry . I thought maybe she had to go potty but she cried the whole time she was on the potty and still didn 't pee . We thought maybe she was thirsty . . no , maybe hungry . . . no . In fact , she cried all the way through breakfast - sucking the syrup off her GFCF pancakes . Finally we had to head out the door for our long ride to their parental visit . Both of them were good almost the whole way . Little Prince fell asleep until we got off the exit . For the first time ever , when he asked me if we were going to the store , I told him we were going to see his mommy . I shouldn 't have done that . We got to the facility , that supervises the visits , and were told that last week was the last visit ( second frustration ) . I called the kids case worker to find out what was going on . By this time I was steaming . Little Prince was crying and saying he wanted to see " mommy " . I told him he could go home with me and see " daddy " . He said " no " . I shouldn 't let a 2 year old hurt my feelings but it did . I got him into his car seat and he gave me a big hug . Anyway , I called the case worker . I had already talked to her last week about this and was told the court was not taking way visitation or counseling . She confirmed the same thing she had told me last week which was totally different than the person that supervises the visits said . So as it stands right now , there are no moPosted by Princess gave us quite a scare this morning . It actually started last night . She fell asleep on the couch around 6pm ( before I got home ) . Around eight , DH carried her to bed . I really didn 't think she would sleep all night . Before we went to bed about eleven , we checked on her . She seemed to be fine . She slept through dinner and we hadn 't changed her into her PJ 's . When DH and I went to bed , I made him a deal . . . if he got up with her in the middle of the night , I would let him sleep in this morning . She never woke up . Little Prince came in our room at about 7 : 30 this morning and wanted his car we had to take away last night ( different story ) . I got him something to drink and turned a movie on for him until I could fix breakfast . DH got up shortly after that and I told him we should check on Princess . She usually wakes right up or is already awake and hops out of bed to greet us . . not this morning . She didn 't want to stay awake and she certainly didn 't want to get out of bed . I felt her for a fever but she didn 't feel like she had one . Then I remembered what DH told me yesterday , she was flushed before she fell asleep and didn 't want to eat a snack . Later she ate a little breakfast and I gave her a shower . She then fall asleep for over an hour in front of the TV ( doesn 't usually nap ) . We were hoping she wasn 't getting sick . Then in the afternoon , DH made a comment that I was probably going to end up in the ER later . Sure enough . Before he had to leave for work , we decided I had better take her to the emergency clinic up the street . Before we did that , we took her temperature it read 99 . 6 , which I didn 't think was right . She felt quite hot . When I got in to see the nurses , they took her temperature and it read 103 . 4 ! ! They put a Tylenol suppository in while they were at it . She doesn 't like anyone ( including myself ) touching any where down " there " . They also swabbed her nose for the flu test . She began to calm down and stop crying then they came back to tell me the doctor wanted her tested for strep . We had to hold hePosted by Princess seems to be saying bigger words . After DH gave Little Prince a cookie yesterday he said " yummy " , then Princess took a bite and said " yummy " ! She also said " bubble " while we were playing the blowing bubbles game . The other day , I showed her how to stand on her head . I asked her to put her head down and put her arms out to the side . At first she had one hand right but the other one , she had the back of her hand against the floor , we fixed that . She couldn 't balance very good but she got the idea . Then I remember when I was little I used to stand on my head against the wall . So I got her to do it against the wall , while I held her feet . We only did it a couple times and I figured I would try it at a later date . A couple days later , DH got my attention and told me to look in her room , she was trying to stand on her head against the crib ! She was really trying . I was impressed , she remembered . More and more she seems to be getting better . Little Prince is doing good with his ABC 's . We sing the song every time were in the car and several times through out the day . When we get to the end we say " now I know my ABC 's , next time won 't you sing with ME " . He always says " ME " really loud and then we go back and forth with each of us saying me . It 's so funny . He misses a couple letters when he does it on his own but we 've only been working on it a couple weeks . He also will tell you his name now . Before , when you asked him his name , he would say his sisters name . He 's a smart little dude . He surprises me everyday . Yesterday , DH was vacuuming the living room and Little Prince grabbed his bean bag and put it on the couch to get it out of the way , then went back for Princess ' bean bag and moved it to the couch . I think that 's pretty smart for a 2 year old . Oh , I don 't think I told this before but he knows his right hand , leg , arm from his left ! We ask him every once in a while where his right hand is but last night he ran into the wall with his arm . DH asked him if it was his right or left arm and he answered " left " and whePosted by For the most part , Princess is back on track . It took a couple days to get her back where she was . . . a couple of long days . Now we are working with her " telling " us what she wants . She knows a little sign language but doesn 't really tell you what she wants . If she needs something , she usually starts fussing or gets mad . We gave her GFCF pancakes and a fried egg the last few mornings for breakfast . We taught her the sign for pancake this morning . She has also learned the sign for sandwich within the last few days . Anyway , a couple hours after breakfast , she started to fuss and I asked her what she wanted . She gave me the sign for pancake ! ! I was so surprised that she remembered . She doesn 't sign it perfect but she got the point across . She also signed the sign for sandwich at lunch time . I asked her if she wanted PB & J for lunch and showed her the sandwich sign and she did it right away . That 's definitely better than a couple days ago . She couldn 't even maintain eye contact . She is back to being able to watch TV through a half hour show . We can only hope for continued improvements . Improvements should continue with the right diet . I made GFCF white bread in the bread machine . It turned out really good . My next thing to make is GFCF pancakes from scratch . We will be able to control her diet better with the school giving her one of the snacks we send and the rest of her meals coming from us . She will know longer be going to daycare after this weekend . DH and I will work out our work schedules to make sure we don 't need daycare . DH works nights and I work days ( 3 days / wk ) . On the days I work he will go to work late and leave early . He works for a really good company that lets him use his FMLA that way . Little Prince is doing good . We are working on using the potty . We are still having a problem with him pooping in the potty but he did it yesterday for the first time . We showed him how happy and proud we were of him . But today we weren 't so lucky . . twice . He pees in the potty if you remind him so hopefully it will all come Posted by Princess has regressed ! The other day , when I picked her up from day care , the daycare owner told me what she gave Princess for lunch . . . she gave her chicken nuggets ! I don 't know if that was what made her regress or if it happened more resently . I have a feeling that she was given the wrong food yesterday . I don 't really trust the lady from yesterday . I have a feeling she doesn 't really care what she feeds Princess as long as it 's easy . Little Prince told me they had hot dogs . So did she feed Princess hot dogs with the buns . Anyway , Princess is back to flapping her arms , spinning , babbling . . the whole 9 yards . She even cries when I try to get her to go in the potty . We are keeping them home until Friday , both DH and I have to work . I have to work next weekend but that will be the last time they go to daycare . DH and I have decided it would be for the best if Princess and Little Prince don 't go to daycare anymore . We will just have to work our schedules out so one of us will be home with them . It will also save us about $ 1000 a month and we will be able to control her food better . Plus , the owner said we should call her if we ever need daycare for a day . I think Little Prince will miss it at first but will get used to it ( kind of like his bio - mom ) . They had another parental visit this week . Little Prince walked right by mom again to play with the puzzles . Then walked by her again to go to the area they visit in ( supervised ) . Princess wouldn 't give her a kiss , at the end of the visit , when asked . I 'm not sure , but I think that was their last visit . Little Prince 's parents are thinking about voluntarily giving up parental rights . They have until next month to decide and if they don 't , the court hearings will begin . I think if the mom gives up Little Prince , she will give up Princess too . They know we love them and they love us and we can give them a good home . I 'm really hoping it happens soon so we can exhale . The GFCF diet working is great . We are seeing improvements everyday . Princess actually watch a half hour of Mickey 's Club House this morning . She watched me make breakfast and wanted hugs and kisses . She is also wearing underwear instead of pull ups . She kept taking off her pull ups yesterday and I think it was because she saw Little Prince wearing big boy underwear and she wanted the same thing . So far , so good . She has gone potty at least 3 times this morning but had one accident . She has loose stool and I think she had a little gas . She goesn 't usually " poop " so early in the day . Now , Little Prince is a different story . He had three accidents ( if that 's what you want to call them ) . He stood in front of the TV , watching Mickey and peep in his underwear and all over the the rug . Every time he goes it , I have him sit on the potty . The next time was about a half hour later . This time he really made a mess . I 'm sure he just stood and peep a big puddle on the living room floor . I sent him on to the potty and told him " no more Mickey today " . Well , then he let out a very loud scream which woke up DH , who had only been asleep for about 2 hours . Not a good thing . Little Prince ended up in the corner for screaming . Needless to say , I 'm sitting in the living room with my laptop , watching him very closely . . . . he just came running in from the bathroom asking for an M & M for peeping in the potty . I was so proud of him for going himself ! Princess has been on the GFCF diet for a little over a week now . We are already seeing results . We really didn 't notice at first but then I realized after I picked her up from daycare the other day , she didn 't make a peep in the car . She didn 't make any OOOO sounds or say ticka , ticka , ticka like she usually does . In fact , I can 't even remember the last time she did " ticka " . Earlier in the week , I asked her to pick up her toys and put them in the toy box and she did it ! ! In the past , I had to tell her to pick up each toy and then tell her to where to put each toy ( which was in the toy box ) . She is also keeping eye contact more then before and will sit and watch cartoons . Watching TV is a big improvement too . Last week she couldn 't sit still for more than a few minutes . Yesterday morning she watch most of the Mickey Mouse Club House . Most days are good but we had another bad night of crying . I still thing it might be withdrawal . It was early in the week and only a few days from starting the diet . The GFCF diet is challenging and some what expensive but we are learning . We discovered Princess won 't eat the GFCF pretzels . We went to Rainbow Foods to buy some more sandwich cookies and also found some rice chips she likes . She seems to like the bread with peanut butter and jelly . I also found a blog site that had a recipe for homemade chicken nuggets . I haven 't tried them yet but I will . I am also going to try a recipe I found for GFCF bread in the bread machine . PB & J is a good quick lunch for the ride home from the " visit " . The kids had a parental visit for the first time in three weeks . Little Prince didn 't even acknowledge his mother like he had in the past . He just went right to the puzzle table . The mother tried to get a hug and kiss from Princess but she just put her arms down by her side and turned her head . Their mother didn 't look so good . She wouldn 't make eye contact with us and didn 't seem happy to see the kids . I left some PB & J sandwiches for her to give them and explain which one was Princess ' and they couPosted by I talked to the DC owner this morning telling her that Princess had a bad night . I couldn 't get her to sleep until around 10pm . All she did was cry and I mean really cry . I thought maybe she had a tummy ache or something like that but I never did figure out what was wrong . I have a thing about not letting them cry themselves to sleep but finally I had to just put her to bed and leave it at that . She was asleep within 5 - 10 minutes . Princess has been on the GFCF diet a little over two days now and that could be what was wrong . I thought maybe she was over tired , having to get up so early yesterday but DC lady told me that Princess took a nap yesterday ( unusual ) . Then DC lady told me what she gave Princess for lunch - Manwich and broccoli with cheese ! NO DAIRY ! ! I reminder her of the no dairy " rule " . She felt bad . The more I thought about it , it wasn 't the end of the world . We really want to do this but maybe easing into it will be better for Princess . Today I printed a list I found on the Internet of the foods to stay away from . I hope this helps . DH and I want to do anything to make it easier for the school and DC . Even if we have to send food along for meals . Princess only goes to school for about 3 hours a day so she really only eats a snack . Last night could also be because she is withdrawing from the gluten and casein . As far as I understand , it acts like Morphine in her system . That could explain why she doesn 't cry when she gets hurt . She bumped her head the other day and didn 't make a peep . If Little Prince had done that , he would have screamed ! Speaking of Little Prince , I have never seen anyone fall down or bump into things as much as he does . He had bruises up and down his legs . He runs into walls because he looks back at something or someone and doesn 't watch where he 's going . He also can not shake this cold he has . I 'm not sure if it 's a cold or allergies . It doesn 't seem to be effecting his sleep . Once in a while he asks us to " suck it out " . We use a bulb syringe . He 's real good about holding still and Posted by We started Princess on a Gluten - free / Casein - free diet yesterday . We went to Whole Foods to get her gluten free snacks . We bought pretzels , cookies and cereal . I sent some to school and some to daycare . The daycare will make sure she doesn 't get anything with gluten or dairy . We also bought some soy milk and rice milk . We are going to try to figure out which one she likes best . I gave her some soy milk on her cereal yesterday for breakfast . She seemed to like it , but when I picked her up last night from daycare they told me she had two accidents . The DC lady asked if we had started the soy milk . I guess that 's what did it . So far she likes everything we 're feeding her . Although , we received a note from her teacher yesterday ; " we gave ____ pretzels for her snack and she very politely placed the pretzel back into the bag , closed the bag and pushed it aside " . We gave her a few pretzels last night before dinner and she seemed to like the pretzel sticks better than the pretzel twists . I also gave her about 3 oz of soy milk along with a half Lemon - Ginger cookie ( gluten free ) after she ate all her dinner . She liked it . ( so did Little Prince ) . I found this neat blog while I was " surfing " . The site was actually " Ten Kids and a Dog " . There is a give away of this product called Kimochis . It 's four different characters that have little feelings that a child an pick to express or learn about . I picked the cloud for the give away because the cloud " is a bit unpredictable " and because the cloud can " sometimes be moody " , kind of like Princess . I don 't think I have mentioned it before but Princess has autism and she doesn 't really speak . I 'm really thinking this might help her with her emotions . I figure it 's worth a try . Please check out Ten Kids and a Dog and Kimochis Both kids had bad nights . Princess woke up around 12 : 30 , crying . I went into her room and covered her up with her blanket but she didn 't open her eyes and she didn 't move . I think she was still asleep . I lightly ran my hand across her hair and she stopped crying . About two hours later , Little Prince came running down the hall into our room - crying . I asked him if he had a bad dream and he said " yes " . I let him crawl in with me and told him after he fell asleep I would put him in his own bed . Needless to say , I fell back to sleep and it was about 4am before I carried him back to his bed . When I did put him back to bed , I heard Princess babbling in her room , she was still in her bed so I didn 't bother her . I think she might have even been still asleep . Both kids had a hard time falling asleep at bedtime and both were really tired when I had to get them up at 5 : 30 to go to daycare . Tonight should be more relaxing since I don 't have to work tomorrow and we can spend the day together . I 'm not sure if Princess and Little Prince are acting like any other kids their age or if they are testing us . According to our classes , we had to take , foster children will test you and they certainly are . I don 't know if the kids have picked up the acting out thing at daycare or if we just treat them differently than their past foster home . I know we probably made the mistake of giving Little Prince attention when he was crying but we are trying not to do that anymore . We started noticing that every time he doesn 't get his way , he cries ( without tears ) . We have tried everything to keep Princess from jumping on her bed but nothing is working so far . We even bought her a little trampoline with a handle bar on it and she still jumped on her bed . DH ordered the trampoline from someone on eBay . It arrived yesterday afternoon , so he put it together right after he picked them up from daycare . Princess jumped on it for about 10 minutes or more . I also had her jump on it right after I put her PJ 's on . Then it was time for bed . I put her to bed and snuggled her brother . I no sooner sat down with Little Prince when I noticed her bedroom light on and heard her breathing ( I can tell when she 's jumping ) . I put LP down and went in to tell her to lay down and go to sleep . Probably about 10 minutes later the same thing happened again . This time I " escorted " her to the living room to jump on her trampoline and tell her she can only jump on it and not her bed . I let her jump until she stopped ( about 2 minutes . ) , then back to bed . Soon after I was sitting back down with LP in my lap , I heard her again . This time I didn 't do anything . LP wanted to get in his own bed , so after I took him in I made a visit to Princesses room to find her playing on the floor . I made her get in her bed and told her to go to sleep . By the time I got Princess in bed , LP was crying for me to sit with him . By the time I got to bed I was upset , worn out and wanted to sleep . I guess was upset enough that I couldn 't get to sleep and I woke up so many times thrPosted by Princess started preschool yesterday . The teacher said she had a real good day . They went outside and blew bubbles and laughed a lot . It wasn 't as hard as I thought it would be to sign her up . I met with her teacher a few days before to inform her about Princess ' likes and dislikes and what they might expect from her . I had to provide them with shot records and a birth certificate ( which I still need to get ) . Princess went with me so she could meet the teacher and then when it was time to leave , she didn 't want to go . In fact , she threw a fit - stomping her feet and messing up some balls that were laying on a shelf . At least her fits don 't last very long . Our little prince is in daycare while his sister is in school . He likes it there and he gives all my kisses away to all the nice ladies there . Princess is in the same daycare while I 'm at work , she feels comfortable there . In fact , she has said a few words that she hasn 't said at home . The ladies at the DC are letting us know what she 's saying so we can try to get her to say them again . The parental visit got messed up again . This time I think it was the counties fault . Someone dropped the ball and no one picked it up ! No visit today . We 've been very busy . We got the call at the end of July for a possible placement . Two and four year old siblings . It was between us and another family . The other family was him ' ing and ha ' ing about it so the decision was made to place the children with us on a trial basis . It was actually considered respite with the possibility of a permanent placement . They have been with us for a little over a month now , so needless to say they are considered a placement . We will have to wait until the end of September to see if the judge terminates parental rights this time . I say this time because , the parent has received two 90 day extensions already and is still screwing up . I have met the one parent during visits . DH and / or I have to take the children for visits twice a week until the TPR ( termination of parental rights ) is or may become effective . I believe in my heart that these children would be better off without their bio parents but I guess that comes with being a foster parent . We have become very attached to both of them as they have become attached to us . The little one has called me mommy from the first day and DH , daddy starting the second day . The older one doesn 't speak , but is very attached to DH . I took a couple weeks off work to arrange daycare and do other things that needed to be done . DH was able to take off a week which was very helpful . The four year old has some emotional / mental issues that we hope will resolve for the most part . The way we feel right now , we would like to adopt these children but we are nervous about the older one and how much care is involved . I know I only have two followers but I 'm still sorry it took so long between postings . I will post more frequently from now on . We finally got another call . Well , let me start from the beginning . DH and I decided that the child we turned down deserved a home so I called the agency and talked to the counselor . She told me I could come in and look over the file since parental rights had been terminated . I was only expecting the read over the one child 's file but was able to read over the sibling 's also . By the time I was done reading I had decided neither one of the children would be a good fit . I told DH what I had read and asked him to call the agency the next day and tell them " no " . Well , the next day we were out running around and he decided to just stop into the agency and see if he could read the files . After reading them we talked about it some more and decided to take the young one in but we agreed we would not be able to take in the sibling . We talked with the therapists about DH 's concerns along with other problems we might run into . Everything was set and we were going to be considered until we got home . After we got home I checked our voice mail and there was a call from the same counselor we had just visited . She had two young children who were about to be up for foster to adopt . DH and I were so excited . . . I called her right back to tell her " we 'll take them " . She gave me a little information and told me she had already sent our " home study " for the other agency to review and we are on the top of the list . I 'm sure hoping we get a call this week saying we were the best fit . PS - lesson learned ; make sure the agency has all means to contact you . We missed a call for a 3wk baby because I was at work and DH was sleeping after working all night . They didn 't have my cell number . I guess it wasn 't meant to be . It feels like it 's been a long time since we had kids in the house , even though it 's been a little over a week . I kind of miss the girls . They pop into my head often as I think about what they would be doing if we still had them . I also wonder if they went back to their parents . DH and I were talking the other day how weird it 's going to be to only have one instead of two in the house . I guess it 's not set in stone that we will only have one . Maybe we will have siblings again . If one of them was little and the other was older , that would be alright . The way I feel right now ( could change ) , I would really like a little one . The agency called with a placement . It was a preteen that had some issues that we would rather not deal with . The child also has a older sibling that they would like to place in the same house at a later date . If we would have taken this placement , we would not be able to take a younger child or a child of the opposite sex while they were with us . We would have considered it if not for that reason . It was a foster to adopt placement . We are able to get a few hours of training the other night . We met some other foster parents along with Linda at the local library . Anyone who had kids in their house at the time , was allowed to bring them along . Two families brought their foster children . A few kids were up for adoption but they were older than I would prefer . We watched a movie and then discussed it with each other . The kids were in on the discussion also . It was sad to hear about how they felt . One of the kids said they felt abandoned by their parents . It 's sad . DH whispered to me that we could take them , but I didn 't say a word . I think he got the idea that I didn 't feel the same way . Plus , we received our actual license and it states we are approved for two children and the kids are a family of three . I just don 't want to start out with teenagers . Linda told us the first two girls , that we had for respite , might need respite again at the end of summer . But she also told us that some of the people in the agency are saving us for a placement . I 'm sure the right placement will come along soon . Foster mom called to ask if she could pick the girls up early . They were suppose to be picked up the next morning but instead the family got back from vacation early . I told her if it would save her a trip into town , that it would be OK to pick them up that evening . Since I knew she was coming right before the girls would usually go to bed , I gave them their bath early and dressed them in their PJs . DH and I played with them until foster mom showed up . Cuddly discovered she could bounce on DHs lap while he held her hands . I took some great pictures for our album . Then Curly wanted to bounce but didn 't seem to have as much fun . I was surprised that the girls didn 't want to go to foster mom when she arrived . Cuddly actually wanted to get up into my lap and Curly wasn 't sure of the situation either . After a little while , FM was able to get a hug out of each one of them . We helped them to the car , all the while Cuddly cried . She stopped crying after FM got her strapped in her seat . We stayed by the car talking to FM for a little while . By the time she drove away the girls were fine . DH made the comment of how quite the house was after they left . It didn 't take long before we got use to the silence . I was glad , by the next morning , she had picked them up early . I had to get up early for work and it would have been harder for DH to get them ready to leave . I don 't think we really miss them . They just weren 't there long enough and we knew they were only going to be with us for a short amount of time . Regarding the pictures ; we can take pictures for our own use but can 't show them to anyone . I would love to post some but I 'm not allow . We had a lot of fun with the girls . I wish we had them longer but being a respite situation , we knew when they were going back to their foster family . Most everyday went the same way . We tried to stay in a routine . When they woke up in the morning , which seemed to be earlier every day , we started by changing diapers . I would go in to their room when I heard the glowing seahorse music . I asked them " who would like their diaper changed ? " . It was always Curly who would want to be changed first . Cuddly was a little slower to wake up . Then we would get something to drink and snuggle in my chair and watch a little cartoons . After about a half hour , we would have breakfast of mini - mini wheats with milk and a sippy cup of milk . They were good eaters . They always wanted more after they finished what I had given them . In fact , they finished a whole small box of mini - mini wheats in four days ! After breakfast they would decide what they wanted to wear . I would give them a choice of two outfits but they always wore matching cloths . Then we would play until it was time for a nap . They liked to color and play with the doll house . They also like to push this little grocery cart around with pretend food in it . One of them always cried when it was time for their nap . Actually , you couldn 't say " nap " or " bed " without Cuddly pouting or flat out crying but she was usually the first one asleep . After they got up from their nap , I would change diapers again then they would have a snack of either gummy bears , goldfish , or animal crackers . One afternoon I tried to get them to eat an Orange . Both of them said they didn 't like it but either of them would try it . So I tore it all apart and Cuddly finally ate some of it . Curly tried a little bitty bit . We had very little problems and a whole lot of fun . Lunch consisted of either jr . lunchables or mac - n - cheese . At first they didn 't want the mac - n - cheese but then I ate it and told them it was really good and I would pretend it was fantastic . That got them to try it and even finish what I had givPosted by The twins are adorable . I sure would like to have childern like them but I know the main goal is to get them back home . The first evening was busy but not too bad . DH was really tired by the time I got home . He had worked the night before and hadn 't slept . As soon as I got home we ate dinner . DH had ordered Dominos for all of us . Mac & Cheese with breadsticks for the little ones . I had a pasta bowl which the twins thought looked better than what they had . I shared a little bit but was afraid that the spiciness would give them a tummy ache . After dinner , I gave them a bath which went really well . They splashed to their hearts content . Then we put PJs on and snuggled in the chair . Soon they were ready for bed . Well , their little bodies were but they weren 't . " Cuddly " cried when I meantioned bed but she stopped before too long . Both her and " Curly " kept looking to see if I was still sitting in the chair across the room . DH told me they did the same thing when he put them down for their nap . He 's such a softy , he bought them some toys before they arrived . One of the toys , they both love , is a glow seahorse . It lights up and plays music everytime they push the tummy . That 's how I knew they were asleep , they stopped pushing the tummy . We are doing respite again . I 'm so excited . I 've had a hard time getting to sleep for the past two nights . We are taking care of twin toddlers for about 5 days . I was hoping I didn 't have to work today but here I am . I haven 't met the girls yet , DH has them until I get home this evening . He 's real nervous . He 's so cute , he called me early this morning from the store to tell me he was buying juice and diapers . He also bought a couple booster chairs ( we don 't have highchairs ) . Anyway , after they arrived , he called me to tell me that the girls are scared of the dogs . He said they are fine as long as they are sitting on his lap but as soon as they get down and the dogs come around , they start crying . I told him they will probably get used to them ( I hope ) , but to call me if he has any problems . Not that I can leave work or anything but I can try to give moral support . . . lol . I can 't wait ' til this evening . Right after work I have to get them dinner asap and give them a bath . Soon after that will be bedtime . I 'm looking forward to reading them a bedtime story and tucking them in . I will try to write more in the next few days but I have a feeling I will have my hands full ! If we hadn 't said " no " to the teenager , we wouldn 't have gotten the twins . I spoke to the foster mom who the teenager is with . She told me it turned out that she knows the girl and her home is a better fit . I was glad to hear that they found a temp . home for her . It was the last day with the girls . DH had them all day by himself . They slept in until about 8am . DH made them a nice breakfast of pancakes and eggs . They all watched a little TV together and later the girls played out on the front walk with sidewalk chalk . They made nice pictures of rainbows and other drawings . DH said they were pretty good girls for him . Mid - afternoon he had to take them for a two hour , supervised visit with their mother . He just dropped them off and went back two hours later to pick them up . Since mom brought them lunch , DH didn 't have to fix them anything until dinner . He fed them an early dinner of hot dogs and chips . I 'm sure foster mama will feed them a snack later . He also gave them an old digital camera that still took pretty good pictures . He told me the little one was taking all kinds of pictures of our furry kids . I didn 't think I would make it home from work in time to see them before foster mama picked them up , but I did . I fact , I made it home about a half hour before she got here . Anyway , by the time I got home the camera was broken . DH told me the pictures were coming out all blurry and that he saw the big sister force the telephoto in . I think between that and the little one telling me they dropped it a couple times - it 's broke . I 'm going to retrieve the pictures that they took and print out copies for them . We spoke with foster mama for a few minutes after the girls were in her vehicle . We told her how good the girls were and that they are welcome to come back again . I also told her how the visit with their dad screwed up that night and the next day for them . It was only because of them getting their medicine late . I didn 't tell her about the underwear issue . I figure she didn 't need to deal with that unless it happens again . One thing that was kind of weird , after foster mama was walking to her vehicle I walked inside and counted the money she paid us . It was a hundred dollars short . DH hadn 't counted it when she handed it to him . I felt weird about it , but I went back outsiPosted by I learned that you have to ask questions and not just assume . I washed the girls dirty clothes while they were at school yesterday . I only found one pair of underwear for the one girls . Does that mean she 's been taking a shower and putting on the same underwear or did she forget extra underwear , or worse than that ; has she been going without underwear ? ? ? Well , I was able to rule out one of the possibilities . I looked in her case and found several pairs of clean , folded underwear . I knew I had to handle this with kid gloves . After dinner I told her how important it was to keep yourself clean and change underclothes everyday . I also told her I only washed one pair of her underwear . She told me that she had changed everyday and that she had put the dirty ones in her case . I could not very well tell her that I had looked in her case but hopefully she understood about keeping herself clean . Now I kind of wonder if she has been actually taking a shower or just letting the water run . After the long day yesterday the girls were beat . The oldest actually fell asleep in front of the TV way too early . I woke her up but she had a hard time staying awake . Both of them went to bed around 9 : 30 which is about a half hour past their bedtime . Of course at about 1 : 30am I saw a light on ( from my room ) in the living room . The oldest was laying on the couch and her sister was getting a throw to cover up with . The youngest went back to bed and I let the her sister lay on the couch with the lights down low and no TV . I knew she would fall back to sleep . Well , at 4am I woke to a bright light , from a flashlight , shining in my eyes . It was the little one telling me she could not sleep . I ended up waking up her sister off the couch and sending them both back to bed and crawling back to bed myself . At least I did not have to work that morning . It was a long day . The girls had a visit with one of their parents last evening . DH and I dropped them off for what we thought was going to be a two hour visit but the " supervisor " informed us it was going to be from 6 to 8 : 30 instead . The girls didn 't get to eat dinner until after we got back home and by their visit being so late in the evening , they didn 't get to take their medicine until they were about to go to bed . I let them stay up a half - hour later so they could wind down . Both the girls were sleepy this morning and really didn 't want to get up . They have another visit on Saturday but that one is early in the afternoon . DH will have to take them and drop them off . I have to work so I will have to say my good byes tomorrow night . It 's been real nice having the girls here . DH told me tonight that I have been real good with them . I like this . We have two beautiful girls for the rest of the week . I picked them up from the daycare late this afternoon . They talked all the way home and basically until they went to bed . Actually they calmed down about an hour before bedtime because their medicine kicked in . They are good girls that listen very well . I made a nice home - cooked meal of meatloaf , mashed potatoes and green beans . They finished everything on their plate plus one of them asked for more meatloaf . I think they normally eat a lot of fast food . While dinner was cooking they took turns playing Outdoor Adventure on Wii . Then after they took their showers they played with the Fisher Price dollhouse until they didn 't want to play together anymore . I dug out some books for the youngest one to read while her sister continued to play with the dollhouse . They didn 't give me any guff about bedtime and I was happy about that . Since they are still in school , I will have to get them up early to eat breakfast and drive them their school . I hope everything goes good in the morning . We just met with the foster mother of the two girls we will be taking care of ( respite ) . It went great ! The girls are real nice and mama is real nice too . She has been doing foster care for many years and has a lot of information . The girls are sisters that have been in the system for quite awhile . They both have ADD and take medicine for it twice a day . They are on a strict schedule after school which I 'm sure helps them stay organized . Mama has given me their schedule and all the information we should need to be successful . I will be able to call her if something goes bad but I don 't foresee any problems as long as we stay on schedule . I don 't have to work for the four days they 're here so I will be available if something happens at school . Mama said sometimes one of them will act out in school and she will get a call but I 'm hoping the girls will be on their best behavior . Our furry kids met them at the door and gave them lots of doggy kisses . In fact , DH had to put them ( the dogs ) in the other room so we could talk . Anyway , I have to pick the girls up at the daycare they go to after school . From what I understand the State pays for the daycare because they are foster children but they have to attend the daycare for a certain number of hours per week . They also receive free lunches through the State . I 'm going to have to check into how that works just in case we get a school age child . I 'm feeling a little nervous but excited at the same time . DH and I were talking just yesterday that it 's taking forever to get a call . Then it happened . The agency called with a possible respite placement . Two girls for 4 days . We should hear from the agency again today after the therapist finds out details . I think she just called yesterday to make sure we would want to do it . This will be a good way to get experience . FYI ; Respite is when you take care of foster children for a foster family . Kind of like babysitting for a day or several days . We also made a visit to our local CPS office to find out who would fill out and sign our FMLA paperwork . For those of you who are unfamiliar with FMLA ( family medical leave act ) , it 's a federal act that protects your job if you have to take any time off work for medical or personal reasons . There are several reasons you can qualify for FMLA , usually it 's for a medical reason like maturity leave or to take care of a sick dependent . DH and I haven 't received the FMLA yet . I found out we can qualify for it through a federal website when we started the foster care training . According to the site , we could have used it for our training but either one of us wanted to take advantage of the system . I just hope the website is correct . Oh , needless - to - say , CPS was no help with FMLA . They had actually never heard of it being used for fostercare . We 're done ! The home inspection went great . Linda only had us change a few things like ; move the fire extinguisher from the pantry to hanging it on the wall in the kitchen and moving a few items away from the furnace ( 31 " from furnace ) . Then Linda took pictures of the bedroom ( mostly the beds ) and a picture of us for her file . She also took pictures of the front and back of the house . We looked over the Home Study ( bio ) . Linda told us we could take our time to look it over but she did such a good job with it , we signed it . DH and I were able to get everything done , plus some , before she got there . DH had ordered locks , for the sliding door , online . It only took him maybe 15 minutes to install it . It 's like a dead bolt that goes into the frame of the door then locks with a key . I was able to clear out the closet and get all the latches on the kitchen drawers and cabinet doors that I thought might have dangerous stuff in them . I latched the cabinet under the sink because of the dish soups and I latched the knife drawers , the silverware drawer ( forks ) and the junk drawer . We tested all the smoke alarms , which worked fine . I knew they worked because sometimes I set one off when I cook . lol That morning DH & I did some cleaning that I didn 't really think we needed to do . DH dusted and vacuumed while I folded clothes and put them away . I really don 't think that Linda would be been concerned if there was dust on some nicknack 's . Hopefully the next time I post , we will have a placement . We may start with something called respit . It 's basically caring for foster children while the foster parents take a break or vacation that the kids can 't go along . Some foster parents only do respit . We are thinking it may be a good temporary thing to do to get use to having an older child in the house . Linda talked about a temporary placement of a teenage boy . She said he 's a real good kid but needs a temporary home because the foster parents are having personal problems . That 's all I can say about the situation . So the bottom line is , we Posted by We only have the final home inspection to complete . DH & I completed the CPR class almost two weeks ago . It was different than the one I had taken previously . This one recommended that you don 't check for a pulse before doing chest compressions . So , now we are both certified in CPR . We also completed our Home Study . It was basically a bio of our lives growing up and after we met . It included things like what we do in our spare time , our jobs , and basically how we feel about life . The next thing is the home inspection . It 's scheduled for next week . There are a few things we have to complete before Linda comes for the visit . We still have to finish the drawer and cabinet latches , make copies of the insurance policies , install the lock on the sliding door and install an alarm on the dog door . We are hoping the alarm on the dog door takes care of the pool issue . The pool is not open yet so it still has a safety cover on it but the agency is still concerned . I am a terrible " pack rat " and I know that I need to throw some stuff away but it 's so hard . I 'm going to work on it this weekend . If nothing else , I will pack stuff up and put it in the attic ! We finished our last class . It was a very good class right from the start , however we did go over sexual abuse which wasn 't my favorite . I 'm going to miss going to class every Saturday even though it did took up a whole day . The only thing we have to do yet is take the CPR class ( which we 're doing this week ) , complete the home study and have the final home inspection . The Home Study will take about two hours . It 's basically a bio of our lives so the agency can match a child with our family . We are still hoping for a child under five , so I hope we don 't have to wait too long . I 'm really hoping to have a placement by mid - May . I will continue to blog after we get a child , but I will have to protect their identity and observe their privacy . We signed an agreement to protect privacy . I have been reading other blogs that even post pictures , as long we you can 't tell who they are . I really hope everything goes alright . I 'm getting kind of nervous just from the things we learned in class like how these kids can really test you and how they have a hard time attaching to you . I guess whatever will be , will be . . . . kay sira sira LOL We have finished our second class with one more class to go . I sure like the people that are doing through the classes with us and also the people who are teaching it . Last week we had different therapists than the first class . Linda has been at both classes and I 'm sure she will be at the next one also . We learned a lot about why the children act the way they do and what we can do to help them get through it . Some of it was pretty shocking . They told us about how some of the children have been treated in the past . I think most of you could use your most vivid imagination and still not come up with the things we heard . Oh , I also found out that I have to take the CPR class because my card is not the same class as the one required . We are going to talk to someone we know , that is an instructor , to see if she can teach it so DH doesn 't have to take another day off work . I think I 'm going to try to write a children 's story about a duck that lost it 's mother , went into foster care and then finally found a home with other ducks . Look for it in future blogs . Well , since I last blogged we attended our first of three classes . It went great ! We learned a lot of stuff about what to expect and a lot of rules to follow . We are rethinking our preferred age group . We are still nervous about older children but we can always say " no " to a placement if we don 't like the info given . We are thinking . maybe a boy under 10 would be OK . We are also thinking about a temporary placement called respit . Respit is taking care of a child or children for another foster family while they go on vacation or just need a break . It might be a good way to have a older child in the house but on a trial basis . We met some really nice people that were there to be foster parents . One 's children are already grown , one couple has small children and the other doesn 't have any children ( like us ) but works with small children everyday . We are approximately a little over a month way before being licensed . yehhhhhh ! Update on DH ; he 's lost about 10 + pounds and has been exercising and watching what he eats . He went back to the MD and was told he doesn 't need medication for elevated blood sugar . He has gotten his levels down to a good level and continues to check his blood about twice a day . I 'm so proud of him and he 's looking but good too ! DH went for his physical about two weeks ago and didn 't get it . Instead the MD did blood work which showed his sugar was elevated . I don 't want to say high because I have heard of people with a lot higher , but it wasn 't normal . A few days later he went for a glucose tolerance test . He had to drink liquid that was real high in sugar and then be tested every hour for the next four hours . Needless to say the MD diagnosed him with diabetes . It 's been a stressful few weeks . The MD seems to think he can control it with diet and exercise and we think so too . From the day he had the test , DH was been watching and planning everything he eats . He 's also been exercising . The MD wants him to check his sugar twice a day for two weeks . DH has been checking it at least five times a day ! ! He has gotten it down to almost normal , just by eating right . He says he feels like he 's eating more than before but I think he 's eating more often but smaller portions and the right combination of foods . I 'm sure we can beat this or at least deal with it . It took me some time to plan the two meals he has to take to work today . I guess it will get faster as we get more use to it . His next appointment he will have his physical . I 've been checking out crib sheets at different stores and online . They 're a lot more pricey than I thought they would be . I wondered into a used kids store and found 3 , almost new , crib sheets for under $ 5 . I bought all three ! Two are white and the other is more of a pink color . I figured I 'm going to need at least three , if not more . Yesterday I made up the bed with one of the sheets and a piece of fleece I had bought . I want to make one of those tie together fleece blankets but I wasn 't sure how much fabric I was going to need . I went to the fabric store about 3 times to check out the fleece and finally I found what I wanted and it was on sell . I asked the lady if she had a suggestion for how much I need . I picked out a front color and a back color . I got about 1 . 5 yards of each . The lady suggested that I cut the " ties " only about 2 " since we don 't know if the child will still be " sucking " . I never thought about it but one of those longer 4 " ties could be swallowed and someone could choke ! ! I haven 't cut the fleece yet but maybe I 'll do it this weekend . I haven 't bought any toys but I 've sure been tempted . One of the people I work with brought in a trunk load of toys today . We went and transfered it from their trunk to mine . There 's a doll house , a little grocery cart , a basket of toys , a tent that fits over a bed ( I think ) and a crib bumper pad of Mickey Mouse ( Mickey - cool ! ) . I know more people are giving us stuff . The room will be so full of stuff there won 't be any room to play ! ! I spoke with Linda yesterday to find out the next step . One of the things we have to do is either get physicals or at least find out if our family doctor will sign a form affirming that we are in good health . We have the same doctor but I saw his nurse practitioner last time and I think she will be able to go by the last visit for my form but I think they will want to see DH . Also , we have to have our four furry kids in for their shots . DH is taking the girls on Tuesday for updated shots including rabies and we will take the boys in March . Otherwise there is a few things I have to collect like proof of insurance and our daycare plans . I 'm sure I can wait on picking a daycare until March or even April ( we won 't be licensed until the end of April ) . We probably won 't have a placement until mid - May . I spoke with my dad last night and he won 't be able to visit until the first week in May . He will be here for at least two weeks . I was really hoping it would be the end of April but it just won 't work out . Anyway , DH and I both feel we should not accept get a placement while he 's here . A new placement might work out fine but then again the child could have a harder time adjusting if their is another adult in the house . Also , Dad would have to share a room if the placement is a boy . Our luck they will call us with a placement and it will end up being a baby and I won 't want to say " no " . I guess whatever is meant to be will be . It 's in God 's hands . Our background checks came back yesterday . All is good . I wonder when we can have our second two - hour meeting ? I can 't seem to get a hold of Linda , they must be closed today because of the weather . We 've been hit hard with winter weather and the area is not use to it . A lot of people called into work today but as my boss said " Healthcare doesn 't get snow days " . It would have to get pretty bad for me to call in . I figure you just drive slower than usual and watch out for the other guy . I got on the American Red Cross website yesterday . They are offering CPR classes next month ( and in March ) but DH would have to take two days to get all the training he can get in one class if he waits until April . I think we will wait for the agency 's CPR class in April . It 's kind of a let down , but that means we probably won 't have a placement until mid - May . " Good things come to those to wait " It 's been a little while since I have posted but nothing has really happened . It seems everything is going so slow . I 'm the type of person that wants it here and now . Late last week we had to get our fingerprints taken for the background check . I had to go to a website and fill out a form , then print the paper that contained a bar code ( we each needed one ) . I had set up the appointment with a local business to do the fingerprinting . The location was pretty convenient , not far from the house . It was all digital which means it wasn 't messy like the ink prints . It didn 't take her long to do mine except my fingers were dry so she had to put lotion on them a couple times . DH didn 't take very long either but he has part of a finger missing on one hand so the fingerprint looked funny - the machine excepted it anyway . We should get the results back today or tomorrow by email . After we get them back , I have to forward them to Linda so she can see a copy ASAP . They will give her the results directly but not for about two weeks . I received some bad news last week - the CPR class is not scheduled until the end of April . I really thought we would be licensed at the end of March but it doesn 't look like it . DH did get the shift he wanted at work so he might be able to take a class during the week . I 'm going to call the Red Cross and / or the American Heart Assoc . I think both give CPR classes that also cover infectious diseases . I 'm lost when it comes to finding a good daycare . I found a whole list of them on the state website which was very helpful . It listed the hours of operation , occupant limit , license dates , owners , and phones numbers . I was able to pick out the ones I wanted to call . I know I need one that is open at least until 7 : 30pm which is hard to find . It 's also hard to find one open on the weekends . I called several daycare yesterday . Most of them are open 24 / 7 , some closed on Sundays and one closes at 10pm . I guess any of these times would work . The one closed on Sunday would mean DH couldn 't sign up for a Sunday that I was working ( which is only one to two times a month ) . We really only need care from approximately 2pm to 7 : 30pm but you can 't pay by the hour . Prices seem to range from $ 90 / wk to $ 125 / wk . I asked , most of the ones I called , about meals . Most serve breakfast , lunch , dinner and two snacks . I think the time the child would be in daycare , they would get a snack and dinner . If DH had to work early , the child would get a morning snack and lunch also . I like the thought of dinner since by the time I would pick them up it could be almost 8pm by the times we got home . That 's pretty late to fix dinner . Some of the daycare are " level 1 " which I think the state is going to make mandatory within the next year or two . It would be bad to find a daycare and then have to switch if the state didn 't approve later on . Most of them didn 't have a problem with different children coming after I explained that we may have a child for a week , a month , or a year . As long has they have shot records and papers they don 't care . I 'm sure we can work something out with pay . I would hate to pay for time not used but on the other hand , I would hate for someone else to take the spot and the daycare be full . DH and I have to talk about how convenient the location is . I think most of them are about 10 minutes away from the house . I want to narrow it down to a few and then I think we should visit them to see how they " feel " . I 've tried to post this twice already , I 'm going to try one more time . Sunday , I worked on the room for several hours . We accumulated a lot of stuff . I took everything out of the room and had to find another place to put it . I took out everything but the bed , dresser and mirrored vanity . After I cleared most everything out , I was able to set up the crib . I thought there were directions , but the only directions I received with it was to convert it to either a daybed or a full size bed . I figured out everything but how to put the rail on to use as a crib . Right now it 's a daybed to be used as a toddler bed . ( I 'll post a picture when the room looks better . ) I spoke with Linda yesterday to let her know I was able to schedule the training classes through the county . Initially , the agency didn 't have their own scheduled so Linda wanted us to use the county . I had been trying to get the county training person to call me back starting last week but - no luck . I tried one more time yesterday morning and she answered her phone . To make a long story short , we are scheduled for training , starting the second week in March with the county . Since we are using the county training , we have to take an additional two hours through the agency to learn their info . Then when I spoke with Linda yesterday , she informed me they have a class starting the end of March . We decided the schedule the county has will work better . It 's three Saturdays in a row so DH won 't have to take any time off work . I will have to switch only one Saturday , but I will probably work a Sunday for someone in trade . Linda said we will probably be certified by the end of March ! ! - almost a child . We met with Linda yesterday for almost 2 hours . Actually , DH said it would have been a shorter meeting if I didn 't talk so much , but I had questions ! ha ha . Anyway , there was a lot more paperwork to fill out and sign . We had to give them permission for a back ground check on each of us and we went over what our roles are and the agency 's roles are . Linda also brought up the training . They still have not scheduled a session and they won 't until they have more people needing training . Linda wants us to attend the county 's training , which is fine but it would include another two hours on top of the counties for their agency . I called the county contact today but she hasn 't called me back yet . I will have to rearrange my weekend schedule at work so I can be off three Saturdays in a row . I 'm hoping I can trade someone Sundays for Saturdays . It would mean I would have to work about five Sundays in a row but it would be worth it . We can either do the training in February or March , it will depend if there are openings . Linda also told us because we are not going through the county for foster care , we could be bumped out of the training if they get too many people . The sooner we get through the training the sooner we can be foster parents . Linda also told us we will be the only foster parents in our town which is really surprising since our town is pretty good size . She also told us there is a shortage of African - American foster parents , and that about 70 % of foster children are white . Watching Craig 's List has paid off . I found three different baby cribs last night . I sent emails to all three and this morning two had emailed me back to say they were sold already . I thought , well I 'll just keep watching . But the third person emailed me back and the crib was still available . We emailed back and forth a few times and finally I sent my cell number so she could call me . I wanted to pick it up on Monday so DH could go with me but the seller was busy on Monday . She told me her hubby could deliver it and we decided to meet at a local gas station this evening . It 's a beautiful crib ! I can 't believe how good a shape it 's in and the quality . It 's got to be at least a $ 300 crib and I got it for $ 125 with a matteress . Also , it 's one of those convertible cribs that converts to a toddler bed and then to a double bed . I 'm soooo excited , I can 't wait to set it up but first I have to rearrange the room and get rid of some stuff to make room . I guess the seller of the table and chairs I was suppose to get decide not to sell them , since she hasn 't emailed me back . During my conversation with Dad , on Sunday , he asked me what 's happening with the foster parent thing ( or something like that ) . I told him where we were and that we 're suppose to meet with Linda next Monday . He asked me all kinds of questions that I didn 't have answers to like " does the agency know the back grounds of the kids ? , how do they match the kids with the foster parents ? are the kids screened for self injury issues ? " . My guess is that it would depend on the situation . If the kid ( s ) are taken out of their home during a police matter , like drugs or violates , then they probably don 't have much back ground information . Maybe it depends on if the child ( children ) are long term or short term placements . Linda told us they try to match the child and the foster family as much as possible but I wonder if it means they pull the child out of a foster home if they find a better match somewhere else ? I don 't think they should move a child if there 's not a problem but I don 't know what actually happens . Dad saw a lot of troubled youths when he worked for the state but those were older kids not like the four and under that we would be getting . Now , on the other hand , I think my brother is worried about how we will feel when the little ones have to leave . I 'm concerned about that also but I won 't know exactly how it is until it happens for the first time . That 's just part of being a foster parent . I see all the pictures of kids during Christmas from the varies blogs I follow and I can 't wait to have my own , to take pictures of . Of course , I won 't be allowed to share them with anyone but I can have our own private memory book to keep . PS . I haven 't discussed foster care with Mom yet . I 've been married to a wonderful , thoughtful person for over 27 years . We have 2 beautiful children and several kinds of pets . I love spending time in our back woods . I love learning something new everyday . By Valerie BusicThe phone call comes in , " Do you have enough room ? For one more young child . . . He needs a home soon . " He comes to your doortattered and bruised , His clothes are all dirty , he 's wearing no shoes . . . You welcome him inwith a smile on your face , He 'll have to adjustat his very own pace . His life has beena hard , rocky road . Somehow you must helpto lighten his load . He is going to need youto care for him now , So deep in your heart , you silently vow - To make his life betterthan what he has now . to again make him smile , though you 're wondering how . Each new day bringsanger , sadness and joyYou pray that your lovecan help this young boy . Sometimes it seems thatyou 're getting nowhere , And you 're wondering why God said , " Send this child there . " After an especially trying daywhen you 're surethere must be an easier wayInto the room , his footsteps now come . With a shy hug , he whispers , " I love you Mom . " With tears in your eyes , you know just what to say , You 've waited and waitedFor this very day . " Remember this , honey , And no matter what , You 're special . I love you . You just hold on to that . " And then the day comeswhen you answer the phone . . . They 're sending " your " little boyback to his home . You think of the workthat may be undoneWhen they do send him back , to the very same one . He 's much different todaythan he was , way back when . Your hard work has paid off , You can see it in him . You hope and you prayhe 'll remember your loveBut you can 't help wonder , will it be enough ? To carry him throughwhat may lie aheadYou try to be strongto cover your dreadYour head says you mustget through the good - byesBut the weight in your heart feels like part of it died . Later , you learnhe 's doing quite well . He comes over to visitand you really can tell . His life isn 't perfect , but . . . It 's turning quite nice . And you have made a differencein one little boy 's life . |
" Come on , Alex . She 'll be here tomorrow . It 's probably the last time she 'll be able to visit us : She 's very old and It always makes her happy . " " Alex , you know the costume doesn 't fit me anymore , I 've grown so much this past year . . She probably won 't even recognize me . You 're the only one who can wear it now . " Alex grimaced . At 16 he was still shorter than all of the rest of the boys in his class . He didn 't like being reminded of his size , especially by a sister who was nearly a head taller than he was . Alex jerked away from his sister , blushing furiously . " Yes ! And I remember what you did too ! I had to wear that stupid doll wig everywhere for two days ! They finally had to shave my head to get it off ! " Alex 's sister smiled . " We were both young , I didn 't realize that rubber cement would be so hard to remove from your hair . But . . . you did look awfully cute and you know you had fun for awhile . Please , it 's important . Besides . . . I know you 've tried the dress on before when you thought no one would know and I know it fits . No one else can do it but you . " " No ! " Alex ran out of the room . His sister watched him run out to the backyard . She frowned . No need for him to know about the inheritance , at least not yet . That could come later . Great grandmother came to visit every year , and every year , Alice had dressed as Alice in Wonderland for her . It was fun at first , if a little strange , but it was harmless . So what if Great Grandmother believed herself to be the real Alice from the stories . . . Alice went into Alex 's room . It used to be her room , so she knew about the loose floorboard in the closet , even before Alex did . She pried it up and sure enough , there was a paper bag inside filled with a small stash of cheap makeup and some photos . Their parent 's had no idea . She smiled and took the photos , and went back to her room to call a couple of her friends from theatre class . After making arrangements , she went downstairs and watched the workmen installing the huge mirror that Great Grandmother had sent them last week . It was ornate and beautiful , but there was something just a little creepy about it . She had touched the glass when they were unpacking it , and it felt almost warm to the touch , not cold like she 'd expected . Even the workmen seemed a little nervous around it , and not just because it was an antique . She shook her head and headed out to meet her friends . This wouldn 't be easy , but if they pulled it off , Great Grandmother would have her Alice tomorrow . In the morning , Alex came downstairs to find a note from his parents on the dining room table . There had been an emergency call during the night , and they both had to leave . Alex 's Grandfather was seriously ill and his mother was needed to help care for him for a few days . His Father was taking some time off from work and going with her . The note left instructions on how to reach them , said that his sister would be in charge while they were gone . Alex 's stomach lurched . He had hoped that his parents would be on his side on the whole Great Grandmother deal , but it looked like he was out of luck . Maybe if he ran away , just for a couple of days . . . Alex heard giggling behind him . He turned around to find his sister and two of her friends from High School . " No ! " he yelled , and tried to run . The girls caught him and dragged him upstairs to his sister 's room . On her dresser sat a styrofoam stand with a long blonde pageboy wig . On the bed was the dreaded Alice in Wonderland costume , complete with a set of lacy underwear and saddle shoes , and a couple of boxes . He tried to struggle , but the girls were too strong and quickly covered his mouth with tape and began stripping off his clothes . " I hate to do it this way Alex , but it 's important that Great Grandmother get what she wants this afternoon . And besides . . . we already know your little secret . " His sister held up the photos from the stash in his room . Alex 's eyes widened . " Don 't worry , you 're going to make a wonderful Alice when we finish with you . And to make sure you don 't try anything funny like ripping off the dress , we going to make sure you want to keep it on . " The girls tied Alex 's nude body to a chair , his arms behind him , his legs spread . They opened one of the boxes and lifted out what looked like pieces of skin . His sister quickly pressed what felt like two pieces of gelatin onto Alex 's chest , where they stuck in place . Alex recognized them as the breast enhancers he 'd seen in his sister 's dresser . One of the other girls began brushing the back of one of the pieces of skin - like material with something from a large bottle . " This is Pros - Aide " she said . " It 's used to hold prosthetics onto skin , so it 's completely safe . It 's also very strong and requires a special remover to take it off . " She carefully placed the material over the sticky pads , smoothing the edges down with more of the Pros - Aide . " When that dries , it will look just like your own skin . " Alex 's eyes got even bigger when he looked down and realized he now looked like he had small but very feminine breasts ! He tried to yell , but the tape held fast . File : Alex through . jpg Alex 's sister smiled . " That can last up to two weeks before it begins to loosen . You could have made this easier , you know . Now we have to do it this way . " She turned to the other girls . " Get the other piece . " Alex tried to pull loose , but he was tied too tightly . The girls began preparing the other skinlike piece of material the same way . " He 's your brother , you have to do this one . " Alex 's sister grimaced , but knew what she had to do . Alex watched as she put on a pair of rubber gloves and almost screamed beneath the tape as she grasped him and slid his member into a sheath on the back side of the flesh - like triangle . She pressed it carefully into place , again sealing the edges with more of the adhesive . She took a small hairdryer and used it to help the adhesive dry . Alex felt like crying . He looked down and saw that he now looked like a nude teenage girl from the neck down . " If you take off the dress , this is what people will see . Do you really want mom and dad to see you like this ? " Alex paled and he slumped in his bonds . " One last thing before we get you dressed . " She took the adhesive bottle and poured a generous amount in his hair , carefully working it in with the rubber gloves and smoothing it down . One of the other girls had brushed more of the adhesive carefully into the wig 's cap . After letting things dry a little , they placed the wig onto his head , making sure it was just right . When they were finished , it looked like the long blonde hair was his own . " Wow , you look amazing ! I can 't wait until we get the dress and makeup on you " Alex felt like he was in shock , his legs and arms felt like rubber . The girls had little trouble dressing him , first with the proper underwear , then the antique dress . They sat him back down in the chair , and retied him , wiping the tears , and carefully applying his makeup . They used the same adhesive to attach long fluttery eyelashes to his lids . His sister left the room while the other girls worked , and in a little while came back . She had wrapped her chest with ace bandages and cut her own hair short and was wearing jeans and a sweatshirt . " Well Alice , how do you like the new Alex ? " She leaned in close . " We only have to do this for this one afternoon , little " sis " . Do exactly as you 're told and I 'll get the remover and help you get cleaned up . Mess this up , and I just may leave you like this until mom and dad get back ! " Oh , and one last thing . . . " His sister took a headband from her dresser and placed it carefully into the long blonde wig , gluing it in place with more of the adhesive . " Now , you 're ready ! " The girls let Alex up , and he immediately tried to tear the wig off . It felt like pulling his own scalp ! It wouldn 't budge ! They laughed as he struggled and pulled . It was no use , the wig was stuck tight . He started to tear off the dress and his sister said " Uh uh uh . . . remember what 's underneath . " Alex stopped , blushing furiously . He sat on the bed in despair . His sister thanked her friends and saw them out , just in time to see the limo pull up outside . Alex 's sister came up the stairs . " If you don 't come down and do this right now , I 'll give those photos to your friends at school , and I 'll take you downtown and drop you off somewhere ! Now hurry up and remember , you 're Alice today ! Go into the den and wait by the mirror . " Alex complied , fury in his eyes . His sister went down and opened the door for her Great Grandmother and her nurse . After much hugging and " My Alex , how you 've grown young man ! " , she led the way to the den . Great Grandmother was dressed in a long , old - fashioned dress , her white hair carefully put up on top of her head . She walked carefully , using a cane , her hands shaking slightly . Her nurse held her tightly by the elbow . " She is ? Oh how wonderful ! You know , that mirror is the original from the house where I grew up . It was part of one of my adventures . " " Really ? No wonder it 's so special to you . We 're honored that you wanted us to have it . " Alice smiled patronizingly and led her Great Grandmother towards the den . The nurse followed closely along , her face emotionless . In the Den , " Alice " stood in front of the mirror , staring at the image before her , as if " she " couldn 't believe " her " eyes . " She " looked exactly like Alice from the Carroll books , from the pinafore dress , to the long blonde pageboy . Alex / Alice stepped closer to the mirror . reaching out to touch the image . Alex / Alice gasped and felt his fingers slip into what felt like very warm , gooey water . He tried to pull them out , but the surface of the mirror began to swirl around his fingers , sucking them further in ! His sister started to run forward and grab him , but the nurse moved quickly and grasped her with an surprisingly strong grip . Alex / Alice yelled and tried to pull free but the whirling surface of the mirror was too strong , and he was sucked beneath the surface , the mirror returning almost immediately to normal , his voice fading to a faint echo . " Finally ! " Great Grandmother said in a quivering voice . " I 'm free ! " She sank into a chair , her nurse releasing Alex 's sister and kneeling before the old woman . The nurse spoke in a strongly accented voice " Yes , Mistress , you 're free . And with luck , your namesake will be able to free the others . " Alex 's sister stared at the two women , then at the mirror . " What the heck just happened here ! ? Where did . . . " Her voice faded and she sat down hard on the floor . Alex / Alice was gone . The nurse placed a hand on Alice 's arm . " She 's gone to do what the mistress needs . Things must be righted over there . This time She 's gone too far ! " She stared back at the mirror . " Only one of Alice 's own can help , since the mistress is too old now . " Alex tried not to panic as the mirror sucked him in . " This isn 't really happening , it 's all a nightmare ! I 'll wake up soon ! " He looked down and saw his body , dressed in the hated Alice costume , now completely coated in silver from the mirror . His stomach lurched with the sudden sensation of falling very fast . After a few moments , without warning , he felt his feet touch a surface and the falling feeling stopped . He felt himself begin to tip slowly forward , the warm mirror stuff receding from his body . He found himself on his hands and knees , looking at a red and white checkered floor . There were figures looming over him . " Ahhh ! " Alex scrambled to his feet . The figures didn 't move . He turned to run and fell against one of the figures , and both fell to the floor . Alex heard a muffled sound from the figure and found himself looking into a pair of very human eyes . The rest of the face was emotionless , unmoving . A tear ran down the hard cheek from one of the eyes and Alex heard another muffled whimper . There was someone inside the figure ! Alex stood and looked around . He was surrounded by life - size chess pieces in red and white . The floor he was standing on was an enormous chess board , framed on one side by the mirror he had just come through . He moved to the fallen chess piece and struggling , stood it upright . The eyes seemed to plead with him . Alex looked down at the mirror and saw that he was still dressed as Alice . He stared for a moment . Under other circumstances , he would have enjoyed how he looked . He blushed , and reached up towards the long blonde hair . He pulled and yelped ! It wasn 't a dream ! He yanked harder and the wig wouldn 't budge . The pain made him realize this wasn 't a dream ! He looked around at the chess pieces , then back at the mirror . It was all real , Great Grandmother wasn 't crazy ! He had actually gone through the mirror ! He stared at the chess piece he had knocked over . It was a pawn , and stood no taller then he did . The human eyes stared back at him , tears now flowing freely down the shiny white face . Alex walked over and began to examine the piece , Except for the eyes , it looked like a carved marble statue , with a pedestal base from the waist down . There was a slight crack where it had fallen when he fell against it and Alex could see the hard stone - like material was actually a coating of some kind . . Alex kept looking and at the back of the pedestal , near where it met the waist of the person , he found what looked like a small ornate keyhole . He quickly moved around the board , checking each piece . All had the same keyhole in their bases , all had the same human eyes , all staring at him . This was far worse than what his sister had done to him . He thought for a moment . . . There must be a key here somewhere ! Alex stepped back in front of the pawn he had knocked over and looked into the eyes . The eyes seemed to brighten , and then looked towards the left . Alex followed the gaze . Next to the chessboard , was a tray , with what looked like a giant tea set . Alex walked over to it , and as he did , saw that the chessboard was on a table , high above an ornate rug . He stepped back , his face pale under his makeup ! He looked at the tray again , and around the room . Everything was giant size ! The chess pieces weren 't life - size , he was as small as they were ! This was getting weirder by the minute ! Alex stepped onto the tray and looked around . On a plate was a single cookie , one half chocolate , one have plain . If the story was correct . . . he broke off a piece of the plain and nibbled at it . With a sinking feeling , he realized he was suddenly half his size ! He moved around and quickly nibbled a bit of the chocolate side . He felt as if he were on an express elevator and now stood twice his size ! Still not tall enough He took a larger bite of the chocolate side . The elevator feeling returned and the next thing he knew , he was falling to the floor with a crash , tray and all ! " Oh . . . OH ! You 're come back ! " The woman ran to Alex and hugged him , picking him up off the ground . " Oh Alice , thank goodness ! Oh , darling girl , things have gotten so bad ! " " Oh , I remember that older sister ! You musn 't be angry with her dear , I 'm sure she wants what 's best for her little sister . Now come into the kitchen , I have to tell you some things before you set off to find the Hatter . He can help . Hopefully She hasn 't gotten to him yet . " Alex followed the older woman down a hall to a large old - fashioned kitchen , trying to explain along the way , but the woman just brushed him off . " You always did have a vivid imagination for a young girl , perhaps that 's why you came here in the first place . " As they walked to the kitchen , Alex couldn 't help but feel they were being watched . . . In the kitchen , pots were steaming on the stove , and the smells made Alex hungry . The woman in red sat Alex at a table and brought over cups and a pot of tea and some small cakes . Alex looked at the cakes suspiciously . As he reached for a cup of tea , a movement in the doorway caught his eye . Someone WAS watching them . The woman in red saw where he was looking and smiled . From the shadows of the door way came what looked like a pig dressed as a baby , walking upright . As it got closer , Alex saw that it was actually someone in a plush costume . The person came closer , fidgeting with hands covered in what looked like rubber hooves . " SHE did this . SHE is trying to make everything the way it was before . You remember the baby that turned into a pig , dear ? She did this to replace the baby . I don 't know where SHE found this young man , but SHE did this and now he can 't take the costume off . We 've tried . " " We 've been hoping you 'd come back , Alice . I was able to send my cook to find you . We know you can set things right . SHE actually liked you , you know . Will you help us ? " The woman in red looked at Alex / Alice with pleading eyes . Alex and Alice 's Great Grandmother sat with her nurse and Alice at the dining room table . For the past hour , Alice had tried to patiently explain what had happened and how it was really Alex who had gone through the mirror in the Alice costume . The nurse sat stone - faced through the entire explanation , while Great Grandmother asked questions . Still trembling a bit due to her age , she was quite calm as Alice told her story . She looked at the nurse . " Possibly . But I somehow doubt it . " said the nurse , speaking for the first time during since they had left the parlor . " You know we kept you from touching the mirror , once we recovered it . And young Alice here said she had already touched the mirror , yet wasn 't pulled through . Perhaps we were wrong in our original choice . " Alice stared at the two women . " You tell me you 've been planning this for months and all you have to say is you may have been wrong ? That Alex is somehow actually in Wonderland , dressed as me , I mean you ? " She stared at her Great Grandmother . " I always thought you were a little crazy , but I played along , because I loved you . Now I think maybe it 's me that 's crazy ! " Great Grandmother smiled . " I 'm used to being called crazy , dear . It comes with the territory when you 've been through the adventures I have . " She turned to the nurse and patted her hand . " Luckily I made some friends on those adventures . Now if some those friends are still able to help our new Alice , we may still succeed . And , we could still have some options here , if someone is willing . . . " She looked at Alice carefully . Alex / Alice walked slowly through the garden , heading towards a path through the hedges at its edge . " She " looked back at the Red Queen and the boy in the pig costume as they waved . Alex felt a little better after sharing tea with them , but was still very nervous . If he ever got back home , his sister was going to be sorry ! He had tried to explain to the Red Queen that he wasn 't the real Alice , that like the boy in the pig costume , he was stuck like this , but she was having none of it . As far as she was concerned , " Alice " was back and would soon bring everything back to normal . Normal ? Hah ! The Red Queen watched as " Alice " made her way through the hedges . She turned to the boy beside her and put her arm around him . " She 'll help , don 't worry . You 'll be able to take that off soon , I 'm sure , and we can help those poor people trapped in the chess set . " The Queen started at the voice and turned to see a figure standing behind her in the shadows of the hallway . " You ! What are you doing here , if SHE finds you , SHE 'll . . . " " SHE will do nothing . SHE sent me here to check on you , and it looks like you 've both been very naughty . I warned her you couldn 't be trusted , you 'd changed too much after being around . . . her . " the distaste in the shadowed figures voice was evident . The Queen tried to pull back as a thin , light chain wrapped itself around her wrist with a ticking sound . Her arm tingled and she froze in place , unable to move . " It 's time , your Majesty , time for you to be still . " The boy in the pig costume tried to help , but stepped forward and found his costumed feet sticking to a puddle on the floor . He struggled to lift them , but was stuck fast . " Oh my , someone has made a mess . Treacle can be so sticky . . . " The figure moved out of the shadows and looked over his two captives . " Now , what to do with you . We already have a full Chess set . . . " Alex had stopped in his tracks deep in the woods beyond the garden . Once again , he felt as if he were being watched . There was a rustle over his head , and he looked up to see two eyes looking down at him with a sad expression . As he stared , they slowly faded away . He quickly moved farther into the woods , occasionally looking back over his shoulder , barely noticing the mushrooms that were becoming more frequent along the winding path . That is , until he came to the biggest mushroom of all . In the deep shade of several trees stood the largest mushroom Alex had ever seen , almost two feet taller than he was . Sitting atop the mushroom was an enormous fat caterpillar , with the mouthpiece to a hookah in his very human mouth . From the hookah 's bowl came a low burbling sound , and smoky bubbles of all sizes , swirling with rainbow colors , floated out into the air among the trees . Some of the bubbles seemed to stick to the branches before bursting with a liquid pop . . Alex stared in amazement . The caterpillar slowly turned his head and faced Alex with half closed eyes . " Well , well , well . . . if it isn 't the young miss . " The Caterpillar spoke in a slow , languid voice . " I dreamed you 'd return . " he said , closing his eyes and smiling . " Yes , dreamed . . . " Alex cleared his throat and started to tell him who he really was , when he had an idea . Perhaps if people kept thinking he was the real Alice , he might get help ! " Please sir " he said , softening and raising his voice slightly , " I 've been sent to find the Hatter . " " The Hatter . . . yes , he 's still around . " the Caterpillar said , pausing to blow more bubbles from the hookah and watching them drift on the slight breeze . " A little older perhaps , a little wiser maybe . . . certainly a little more mad . I 'm sure he 'd be glad to see you as well . " The Caterpillar looked Alex / Alice up and down and raising an eyebrow , smiled . . . " Changes in you too , I see . . . but still more changes to come . . . yes . . . more changes . " He leaned forward . " I can help you get to the Hatter , if you like . . . " Alex came closer the Caterpillar 's mushroom . The sooner he found the Hatter , the sooner he might be able to help the people in the Chess set , and the boy in the pig costume , and the sooner he could get home and get this costume and wig off ! He decided to play the part for all it was worth . The Caterpillar winked and smiled . " Of course my dear . . . " He shifted heavily on the mushroom and leaned forward , pointing the bowl of the hookah at Alex . Taking a deep breath , he blew into the mouthpiece and an enormous bubble began to form . The bubble came loose and floated right at Alex ! His eyes widened as the bubble came closer , and he put up his hands to fend it off . Instead his hands went right through the bubble . It didn 't pop and in seconds had completely engulfed Alex , his hands and feet sticking to the tacky surface inside . The bubble began to rise into the air until it was level with the Caterpillar 's face . He waved a hand at it , and said " Take her to the Hatter and his friends . " Alex , his eyes wide , began to drift into the air inside the bubble , floating above the woods . " Watch out . . . " said the Caterpillar , his words fading as he bubble bearing Alex picked up speed . . " Watch . . . . " Within minutes , Alex had covered ground that would have taken an hour or more to walk and began to drift back down into the woods towards another clearing , and could soon hear what sounded like a party , people talking , dishes clattering . Alex self consciously smoothed his dress and checked his pockets for the cookie , and the items the Red Queen had given him . The bubble set him down on the path just short of the clearing , and burst into a fine , sparkling powder . Alex sat down hard and shook his head , the long blonde hair of his wig swirling around his shoulders . He picked himself up , and brushed the sparkling dust off the dress . Ahead of him was an amazing . A table was set up in the clearing with several chairs , and a short man in a large top hat was struggling to pull what looked like a giant mouse out of an equally large teapot ! At his side , a tall man in a rabbit costume ( or the largest and scruffiest rabbit Alex had ever seen ) appeared to be offering advice as he buttered a slice of bread . The mouse did not seem impressed with the efforts of either of his helpers . Alex stepped closer , and realized that the rabbit was indeed a very tall and slightly demented looking rabbit standing upright , but the mouse looked more like a young woman dressed as a mouse and not very happy about it . " Maybe if we hadn 't put so much honey in the teapot first . . . " Mused the Hatter , as he tugged on the Mouse 's arm . " Although it did seem like a good idea at first . " " Butter and honey is an excellent combination , you know . Very tasty . " The Hare took a bite of his bread and began to look for a place to butter the Mouse . " Perhaps some hot tea might soften the honey ? " Alex stepped forward and pointed at a smaller teapot , setting on a holder over a small candle . The woman in the Mouse costume stared in amazement . " Oh wow . . . there really is an Alice . . . " She glared at the Hatter . " You heard her , get the tea , get me out of this stupid pot ! " Alex could see now that the Mouse was indeed a young woman , maybe his own age , in what would have been a very cute costume , if it weren 't smeared with honey . The Hatter grinned and clapped his hands . " I told you she 'd come ! " He hurried to grab the teapot Alex had pointed to , and began pouring tea onto the honey holding the young mouse / girl in place . Sure enough , the honey began to soften and soon , she was able to climb out of the pot . " So you did , so you did . " said the Hare , busily helping the mouse / girl clean honey and tea off herself with a large napkin . " Now maybe things will get back to normal around here . " He paused and looked at the Hatter , then at the girl in the mouse costume , and then at Alex / Alice . " What is normal , anyway ? " " Normal is getting out of this stupid mouse - skin ! " said the girl . " Even the tea didn 't help . " She said , tugging at her skin - tight fur costume . " Why I ever let her talk me into this in the first place is beyond me . " She continued to wipe off the softened honey . " So , you 're the infamous Alice . . . somehow , I thought you 'd be older . I 'm Chris . Too bad we couldn 't have met under different circumstances . . . " She winked at Alex . Alex looked carefully at the girl . She seemed a bit older than he was , but was even shorter , with a brown bob and large mouse ears that stuck up from her hair , and a black nose stuck over her own , with whiskers sticking out from it . " Who talked you into wearing this ? " " The White Queen , or at least , he said she wanted me to wear it . For the party . She seemed nice enough , maybe a little mad . . . " She looked at the Hatter . " No offense . " " Non taken . " The Hatter said . " Madness is my middle name . Or it is my first name ? " He shrugged and poured himself and Alex a cup of tea . " Anyway , he said she wanted me to wear it for the party when he brought it to me . It didn 't seem any weirder than anything else that 's happened since I 've been here , at least until I tried to take it off again . It 's like it 's glued on . " There was a crash as the Hatter dropped his teacup . " Oh dear , clumsy me . . . The White Rabbit , you say ? " The Hatter looked at the March Hare with concern and what might be fear in his eyes . " Was he coming to meet you here , to take you to the party ? " " Yes , he said I was to meet up with both of you and he 'd be along to bring us all to the Party . " Chris looked at Alex / Alice . " He didn 't mention you being here though . " " Blames me for what , I 've never even been here before ! " Alex realized what he 'd said and blushed . Chris looked at him curiously , but the Hatter and Hare didn 't seem to notice . There was a rustle from the trees at the edge of the clearing . Alex could see a pair of sad eyes peering down at them , Cat 's eyes . The March Hare noticed where Alex was looking , and smiled . " Perhaps someone can help hide her . . . or at least , keep her from being seen . Will you help us old friend , perhaps she can return the favor and find a way to help you . " " A Cheshire Cat that can 't smile is a sad beast indeed . " said the Hatter . " Will you help us old friend ? " The Cheshire Cat looked at Alex with his sad eyes and floated over . He wrapped his tale around Alex and settled on his shoulders , and as he did , both cat and Alex began to fade from sight . The Hatter wasn 't paying attention . Both he and the Hare were staring at the edge of the clearing , just opposite the tree where the Cat had been . From that direction came the sound of marching feet . Down the path came several large playing cards with stick figure arms and legs . As they marched , they shifted position , like cards being shuffled . They circled the Hatter , the Hare and Chris , linked hand to hand like paper dolls . " This is just too much . . " The mirror loomed before her , almost as if beaconing to her . She stood before it , still dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt . She had removed the elastic bandage binding her breasts , and looked more like her normal self , even with her new short haircut . . She touched the mirror , its surface still unnaturally warm , but nothing happened . Her Great Grandmother kept her distance from the mirror , the nurse standing between them . She had stepped near the mirror earlier and it had almost seemed to bulge outwards slightly . " Bloodline alone was enough to bring the boy through . " said the Nurse . Once you 've been to the Realm of Wonder , it 's a part of you , always in your blood . You and the boy are both of Lady Alice 's bloodline . But something is blocking you , keeping you out . " She looked at Alice carefully . " What is that chain you wear around your neck ? " Alice blushed and took a golden chain from around her neck . Hanging from it was a very small but ornate gold pocket watch . " I 've worn it ever since she gave it to me . I 'm afraid it 's broken though , I 've never been able to get it to work . It took me days just to get it to open properly . " " I could never get it to work either , dear . I found it in my pocket after I returned home from my last visit to Wonderland . Great Grandmother smiled . " I remember giving it to you the first time you wore my dress . " " May I see it ? " The Nurse took the chain from Alice 's hand and examined the watch closely . " This was the Timekeeper 's enchanted watch . He was never without it . Strange that it doesn 't work , he always kept it in perfect order . . " The nurse looked at the mirror and tentatively reached towards it . Nothing happened . She touched it , and like Alice said , it felt strangely warm to the touch . Alex / Alice stared as the living playing cards surrounded the tea party . He moved back towards the bushes , stepping as quietly as he could , still invisible due to the Cheshire Cat purring on his shoulders . The playing cards were much more disturbing than even the Tenniel illustrations . They had no heads , but looked more like faces stretched out on cardboard , with surprisingly strong stick figure arms and legs . They took the Hatter , the Hare and the Dormouse girl by the arms and holding them tightly , began to march back down the path they had followed to the clearing . Chris the Dormouse girl and the March Hare looked back towards where Alex was and the Hare winked , before being shuffled off down the path . Keeping his distance , Alex followed , trying his best to keep quiet . The mouthless Cheshire Cat purred softly and wrapped his tail tighter around Alex 's shoulders . Back on his mushroom , the Caterpillar still sat , peering deep into a large bubble , a curious smile on his face . In the bubble , slightly distorted by its curve , was an image of the den with the Alex 's sister , his Great Grandmother and the Nurse . " So that 's where you went , old cook . . . I had wondered . . . curiouser and curiouser . . . and that watch . . . hmmm . . . that explains some things , yes . . . " The scene changed to Alex / Alice , clearly visible in the smoke bubble , but unnoticeable by guards . The Cheshire Cat around Alex 's neck seemed to look directly at the Caterpillar and slowly wink . " It looks like you 've made a new friend of our young miss . . . and yes , she is much more than she seems . . . or knows . . . " The smoky bubble popped , and the Caterpillar closed his eyes and blew another one from his pipe . This time , a scene appeared of the White Queen 's castle . The Caterpillar began to watch with heavy lidded eyes . Alex / Alice quietly followed the Tea Party guests down the path , as the living cards led them along , none to gently . Off all the strange things he 'd seen so far , the cards were the most unpleasant . They looked far less human than even the March Hare . No wonder the illustrator had changed their appearance for the books . Chris , the girl stuck in the mouse costume , sneaked a quick look back over her shoulder as she was led away . Even in the costume , she was cute , thought Alex / Alice , feeling himself blush . He was glad he was invisible . The path soon came to a large hedge at the end of the woods , with an carefully trimmed archway set into it , and the Hatter and company were led off towards a long table in the distance , where other playing card guards were setting up chairs . As he crept through the archway , Alex saw another arch , this time formed from two statues . Two more of the playing card guards were stretching a banner between the upstretched arms of the statues . As Alex , still invisible thanks to the Cheshire Cat , came closer he realized the statues looked very familiar . It was the boy in the pig - baby costume , and the red queen , now encased in a what looked like amber ! Alex could see the Red Queen 's terrified eyes , staring out of her hardened prison . He had to find a way to help ! He felt the Cheshire Cat tense up , and he slipped behind a bush covered with painted flowers stuck on the branches . Even if he couldn 't be seen , there was no reason to take chances . The other guard looked at him and said gratingly , . " We ain 't got no heads , you shuffling fool . . . but you 're right , we 'd better be careful . There are worse things than losing your head . Look at these poor buggers . And I hear he 's done worse , all for Her ! " The guard looked around carefully , to see if anyone was listening . " There , that looks good . I hope they 're both pleased . Now , let 's get some more of those roses pasted on these bushes . " The White Queen was upset . She couldn 't find her favorite earrings and she wanted to wear them to the party . Now where did she keep things like that . . . Oh , if the Rabbit were here , he 'd know . He always knew things and kept her informed . She was so grateful for him , especially since she had become more and more forgetful . All part of getting older , she thought . Ah , her jewelry box ! Now where was the key ? Yes ! On a chain around her neck , so she wouldn 't lose it . She was always losing keys . The late King had given her this one , a special key he 'd conjured to replace all the ones she had lost , a key that could unlock and unfasten anything . She reached out with the key , and touched the Jewelry box . With a spark , it sprang open . So handy , she thought as she retrieved her earrings . " There is something smeared here , around the inside edge of the watch cover . " Great Grandmother peered at it carefully . " It 's on the hinges too . . . If I didn 't know better I 'd say it had been filled with treacle , but I 've never seen treacle stick like this . " " Treacle can take many forms , Lady Alice . It can be very useful and it can be a powerful nuisance as well . The White King used to say that the Realm of Wonder was held together by Treacle . " The nurse looked at the watch and then back at the mirror . " Treacle ? I thought treacle was just molasses or syrup or something like that . " Alice looked at the women and then back at the mirror , brushing her hair with her fingers . Not such a bad look , she thought , I should have done this sooner . Not thinking , she stepped closer . This time , the glass bulged out towards her , and she yelled and stumbled backwards , bumping into the table and knocking the watch from the nurse 's hands . " Me ? " Alice shuddered at the thought of that mirror enveloping her like it did her brother . Still , it was her fault that he was in this fix to begin with . From his window in the castle , he looked out at the party being set up . The Queen was happy and looking forward to the party , although it didn 't take much to keep her happy these days . The land was ready for her to retire . Soon , all would be set right once again , better than before that meddling snip of a girl nearly ruined it all . Everything was going according to schedule , just as he had planned . Schedules , yes . . . Schedules were everything , they ruled his life . And soon . . . soon they would rule the land again . And so would he . Alice listened to the nurse in with a hint of a smile on her face . Her brother , dressed as Alice in Wonderland , had been sucked into a mirror . Her Great Grandmother really was the real Alice from the stories , and here she was talking to her nurse , who was actually the Red Queen 's cook from the stories . It was all real , and now the Nurse was telling her a tale that was never in the books . A tale of how the Original Alice 's visit had sparked changes in the Land of Wonder , changes in its people . Of how the Red and White Queen had stopped acting like rivals and started acting like the loving sisters they were , at least for a while . Of the benevolent ruler the White Queen had become after the King had died , until age had taken its toll , and her wisdom began to fade . Of the White Rabbit , the Queen 's trusted Timekeeper , and his anger at Alice , who he blamed for the changes . And of the dark secrets in the Treacle Mines , the source of magic in the Land of Wonder . Alice stared at the mirror nervously , her Great - Grandmother and the Nurse by her side . She still had on her jeans and sweatshirt and had a cloth bag slung over one shoulder , with a t - shirt and a pair of jeans for Alex , and the remover for the adhesive she had used on his wig and prosthetics . The nurse had placed Alice 's watch / pendant around her own neck , and moved to position herself between Alice and her Great Grandmother , protecting the elderly woman from the mirror . She tucked a small plastic bag into a pocket of Alice 's jeans and winked . " Remember , he has a very sensitive nose . Now go , bring your brother back . " She pushed Alice towards the mirror , and the silvery surface swirled and bulged forth to engulf her . Alice didn 't even have time to scream . 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" Give up , there is no way you could win ! " Anti - Cosmo was feeling victorious . Cosmo was now a green snail , desperately trying to reach his wand , which lay on the floor a few feet away . But to such a small and slow snail , it looked as if the wand was miles away . Anti - Cosmo was tired of being Cosmo 's shadow . Everything that Cosmo did he did the opposite , yet at the same time he , mirrored his actions . When Cosmo married Wanda fate would have it , and so would Da Rules , that Anti - Cosmo would marry Anti - Wanda . He was never one bit happy about that , but he had no choice . Filled with anger and frustration over the happenings of many years without a true Friday 13th celebration , today Anti - Cosmo had enough . He blamed Cosmo for everything . Sure it was because of Cosmo 's incurable yet amusing idiocy that he was smart , nearly a genius , but Cosmo 's presence took away more than it gave . Anti - Cosmo was still a shadow , an inverted mirror of Cosmo . The fairy was in control of the anti - fairy in an indirect way . What one gained , the other lost . This battle would end it all . Just as Anti - Cosmo was about to claim his victory , a flash of golden light stuck . " Wanda ! " Timmy had been tied in chains and hung from the lamp in the center of the living room . A few feet below was a tank filled with sharks , much larger than the space that the relatively small tank allowed , but they were there and they were ferocious . The house was nearly in ruins . It looked as if a hurricane had a wild party in the Turner residence . Vicky was no where to be found , Timmy was too old for a babysitter , but still young enough to keep his fairies . This also meant that whatever damage came to the house would be his responsibility . The inside of the house was an opposing mirror of the bright cheerful outside , an irony that reflected Anti - Cosmo 's life . All the items in the house were broken , from bases to family portraits , the TV , the furniture everything . The paint had fallen off the walls as if a thousand years had passed . It was a disaster zone . The golden light had taken Anti - Cosmo by surprise . Cosmo , the snail , had almost reached his wand when his counterpart managed to get up and kicked it away . " That magic was surprisingly strong for just one fairy . " Anti - Cosmo floated a few feet above the floor once more , as he turned to face Wanda . But she was not by herself . " Anti - Wanda ? " Did she help Wanda ? How could she do this ? Where Wanda would be by Cosmo 's side at all times and vice - versa , Anti - Wanda would not be that way . She was a shadow , an opposite , just like him . It might have taken a while for her to figure out that she was upset despite her constantly cheerful personality , but she had finally done it . " Then again , maybe you are more of an idiot than I thought . " Enraged , Anti - Cosmo aimed his magic wand at Wanda and Anti - Wanda , who prepared to receive the hit and counter . But at the last second , he shot a magical beam at Timmy . The shark tank disappeared and instead Timmy almost fell into a crack that opened in the living room floor with fire burning below . The boy stretched as much as he could to keep himself from falling by pushing his head and feet against the two sides of the fiery abyss . He still had the hot chains immobilizing his body and keeping his arms trapped . " Help ! " Timmy turned his head slightly , careful not to slip into the fire and saw something poof into existence above , it was a ladder . Then he saw thirteen black cats jumping above him from one side to the other , technically crossing his path . " Fool , the very godchild you wish to save is the one that gives me power ! " Anti - Cosmo laughed evilly , easily throwing Wanda and Anti - Wanda against a wall . The wall was about to come down from the damage caused by the battle . The impact of the fairy and anti - fairy pushed by the dark magic caused the wall facing towards the Dingleberg residence to come crashing down . The Dingleberg 's house and car sustained a considerable amount of damage , more from the magic that escaped the Turner 's house , than from the wall itself . " Don 't you dare hurt Wanda and Timmy ! " Anti - Cosmo turned to see Cosmo , the one he had come to hate the most . He had reached his wand and changed back to normal . With a blast of magic , Anti - Cosmo was sent crashing through the Dingleberg house coming out at the other side . " Ah ! Help ! " The Dinglebergs screamed , running out of the house . From what they could see , there was something very strange happening in the Turner 's house . " Cosmo , you got your wand back ! " Wanda flew to her husband and gave him a hug . Even if he was a little slow sometimes , he was always there when she needed him . " This isn 't over ! " Anti - Cosmo screamed in anger and frustration . " There has been enough bad luck already and I 'm still powerful enough to defeat you ! " He could be right . Cosmo and Wanda were tired from the battle and Anti - Cosmo 's power had grown beyond what they could ever expect . " Wait a minute , Anti - Wanda , Your power must have grown as well . This is your chance ! " Wanda called out to her other . " I want to . . . " Anti - Wanda looked thoughtful . She had been accumulating much more magic than even Anti - Cosmo had . " I want to . . . " " No ! You can 't betray me , you must destroy them ! " Anti - Cosmo took her shoulders shaking her , trying to get the message to reach her . " Destroy them or I will destroy you ! " There was a large explosion and when the smoke cleared out , Timmy and his fairy godparents where surprised to see none other than Jorgen Von Strangle standing there , with the two anti - fairies in a net that was attached to the star of his wand . Before Jorgen could say anything about how many rules were broken during this event , the loud sound of sirens approaching was heard . " Puny fairies ! The Dinglebergs called the police . They saw everything . Even Chet Ubetcha is heading this way as we speak . " Timmy gasped . He wasn 't thinking about how much trouble he would be in for the destroyed house . His only thought was about his fairy godparents . Would Jorgen take them away and erase all his memories about them because of what the Dinglebergs , and possibly a large potion of the neighborhood , saw ? " Jorgen wait , this wasn 't my fault , it 's not fair ! " " Jorgen ? Where did you go ? You said no work today remember ? " They found themselves face to face with the Tooth Fairy , who didn 't look too happy . Certainly she had a lot of work to do also , but she was letting it pile up for today . Everything would be alright as long as she did her job before the child woke up and for that she had hired the Sand Man who charged quite a bit , but she was able to pay him with all those teeth she collected over the years . Well not with the teeth , but with the money she got from selling them to a fairy dentist who collected human teeth . She sold them for triple what she paid for them , so it was a good business . " I understand , " the Tooth Fairy looked at the anti - fairies captive in the net and then at Timmy Turner , the one who helped save Chip Skylark 's teeth . He was there with his fairy godparents Cosmo and Wanda and he looked quite upset . " I knew you would , I will put these puny anti - fairies where they belong and be back soon . " Jorgen gave her a quick kiss and flew on his way to the prison . But before leaving , he sent a deadly glare at Timmy , Cosmo and Wanda , indicating that they had better not laugh or say anything about him becoming a softie or something like that . Knowing what was best for them Timmy , Cosmo and Wanda held back their laughter until Jorgen was no longer within hearing distance . Then they burst out laughing . The Tooth Fairy shook her head but smiled none the less . " Is everything alright ? " Timmy looked sad . " The Dinglebergs , the neighbors , saw too much . " He knew that Cosmo and Wanda might be taken away from him and he just couldn 't stand the thought . " Tooth Fairy please , if you can , please convince Jorgen to let them stay ! " The Tooth Fairy sighed , " I 'm sorry , there 's nothing I can do . If your secret has been found out , then Jorgen couldn 't let them stay even if he wanted to and I assure you he does want them to stay with you . He 's quite different from the image most fairies have of him once you get to know him , but I 'm certain he wouldn 't like it if I told you this . " " No ! " Timmy interrupted . " You can 't take Cosmo and Wanda away from me ! Please reconsider , it wasn 't my fault that Anti - Cosmo did all that . It tried to stop him , I did my best . Maybe the Dinglebergs won 't tell anyone else and if they do , no one will believe it , except maybe Crocker but he doesn 't count ! " " He doesn 't ? " Cosmo was puzzled . " How could he be a teacher if he doesn 't even know how to count ? Even I can count ! One , two , three , thirty , forty - five , fifty - seven . " " Quiet ! " Jorgen silenced everyone . " Be quiet and let me finish . As I was saying , I must inform you that this time you got lucky . The Dinglebergs didn 't discover your secret . They thought it was all a wild party . " Balloons and confetti appeared all over the place , as Timmy , Wanda and Cosmo celebrated until Timmy realized something . " The house ! My parents will be home soon ! " What he didn 't know was that his parents had already arrived . In the blink of an eye , Timmy was standing in his room . " Timmy ! " He heard his parents calling at the same time . Cosmo and Wanda quickly repaired the broken fishbowl which must have fallen from the table with the earthquake that made the living room floor split . They knew it was too late for magic and they couldn 't be seen by Timmy 's parents . The footsteps became closer until the door to Timmy 's room was opened and there stood his parents with smiles on their faces . " Mom , dad , I 'm sorry ! " It was the only thing Timmy could think of saying , even if he was surprised to see his parents smiling at a time like this . He thought they would be very upset about the house and the police . " Sorry ? Don 't be sorry , this is great ! " Timmy 's dad cheered . He looked happier than the time Dingleberg got his nose stuck in the elevator doors , thanks to him of course . " Since you are a teenager now , we bough insurance for wild parties . The contract specified that if the party was wild enough to get the attention of the police , the insurance would pay for all the damage , plus an extra ten thousand dollars ! " His mother happily announced . " We didn 't lose anything , but the Denglebergs did ! I saw how their car was left and even their house ; it was brilliant ! " Mr . Turner wiped a tear for his eyes as he walked towards a hole on the wall where a window used to be , to admire his son 's artistic destruction once more . " I took a lot of pictures . I 'll frame them and put them all over our new walls as soon as we have them . " Regardless of how many times Timmy had told his parents that he did not need a babysitter , they just wouldn 't listen . Perhaps the cause was that Vicky kept telling them about how much Timmy misbehaved and that he would surely turn into a criminal if he was left unsupervised , she just wanted the extra cash . Eventually , Timmy stopped insisting and even admitted to having done some of the things he did not do . Vicky found it odd but assumed , with pride , that she had traumatized the boy into becoming a masochist . In reality , he was trying to keep his fairies for as long as possible . Many things had occurred over the years and Timmy had many adventures . He thought that nothing could surprise him . With the fast development mutating his home town into one large shopping center , he thought he had seen all the most unusual trends come and go . That is , until he saw Vicky 's new hair style . As far as he knew , she was a natural red head , which is why it was odd to see her arrive that evening with just the slightest hint of black roots along her hair line . Timmy decided not to give it too much thought and went to do his chores . As the days passed , Timmy started to notice that the black roots in Vicky 's hair were becoming more obvious . If Vicky wanted to dye her hair black then why not just dye it ? Dying only the roots made no sense . Unless her hair had been black all along and she had been diligently dying it red for years . " Cosmo , Wanda , " Timmy paused in his current task of washing the dishes . His pink and green haired fairies poofed from thin air , appearing before him . " What is it sweetie ? " Wanda spoke with the motherly affection she had developed for Timmy over the years . To her , he was still her little godchild even if he had grown so much . " It has the answers to everything ! Except what came first , the chicken or the egg , I couldn 't find the answer to that . . . " While Cosmo analyzed the chicken and egg mystery , Timmy searched the internet for the answer to his question . " Every website with information about ' Icky Vicky ' so far , says that she 's a natural red head . Then why does her hair have black roots ? " Timmy was beyond confused . " That 's for sure , maybe she 's just doing it to make me wonder why she 's doing it . She 's used every other form of torture . Maybe this is her way to slowly drive me insane . " For all Timmy knew , it could be , but it wasn 't . He tried to search one more time and stumbled upon a debate forum . Some claimed that Vicky was a natural red head and others claimed that she had been deceiving the world and her hair was naturally black , hence the roots . The conversation got off topic after a few posts and evolved into a discussion about Chip Skylark 's new album . Some said his teeth were shinier than ever , while others argued they were losing their glow . After a few attacks by the dreaded forum trolls , the thread died , leaving Timmy with more questions than answers . A new student had transferred to Vicky 's class . The young man was handsome and rich , with a fortune rumored to surpass even the Dimmadome fortune . He was just what she needed , but there was one problem , he hated red hair . She heard the rumor after seeing him only from afar , before trying to talk to him . However , regardless of her threats , she knew that someone would let it slip that she was a red head . Because of that , simply dying her hair wasn 't enough . Vicky wasn 't one to give up . Being a natural red head wouldn 't stop her from dating the handsome young man and getting plenty of expensive gifts from him . She devised a plan to make everyone think her hair had been black all along and that she had been dying it red all those years . She carefully dyed the roots of her hair black little by little . It was a time consuming and tedious processes , but it would be worth it . Some time later , Vicky was sporting a new hair cut to rid herself of what was left of red and now had completely black hair . She had even gone through the trouble of making sure her thin eyebrows looked black . She had everyone fooled , including Hayden , her rich classmate , but not Timmy . He still had his suspicions that her sudden change in hairstyle was a plot to gain some kind of benefit and he was right . " Bye Mr . and Mrs . Turner ! " The weekend had finally arrived and Timmy 's parents left to enjoy their Saturday night . They made it clear that they would not return until Sunday morning , when collapsing into a deep slumber could not be put off any longer . Vicky slammed to door closed and stood at the bottom of the stairs , yelling at the top of her lungs . " Twerp ! " The name didn 't fit him anymore as he had grown quite a bit , but he had to answer to it anyway . Timmy left his room and stopped at the top of the stairs . Vicky looked different . He had seen her new haircut the previous evening , but now she was dressed differently . Instead of her usual jeans and tshirt , she was wearing an elegant lavender dress , jewelry and make up . She looked like she was about to go on a very formal and fancy date , and wanted her date 's full attention on her . She didn 't look evil , but he knew that appearances could be deceiving . A few minutes later , Timmy had already changed . Aside from his messy hair he was looking very elegant in his tuxedo , but he did not understand why he had to wear it . At first he thought the bag would contain a silly maid outfit , did Vicky give him the wrong bag ? " Going somewhere , sport ? " Wanda poofed out of the castle in the fishbowl . " I have no idea what 's going on . Vicky told me to wear this , I think she 's going somewhere and has to take me along , she doesn 't look happy about it . I wonder why she doesn 't just leave me here ; my parents won 't notice she 's not around . " Timmy couldn 't figure out what this was about , it just didn 't make sense . " I guess I have no choice , I 'll find out what 's going on soon enough . Do I look presentable ? " Whatever Vicky was planning , Timmy would endure it like he always did . He would be alright as long as he had Cosmo and Wanda , but there was no need to provoke her anger . " It 's about time , " Vicky huffed when Timmy finally made it to the base of the stairs . She looked at him as if searching for faults , straightened up his tie then started walking towards the door . It was a good thing that the Turners were in such a hurry to go out , that they didn 't even ask about Vicky 's dress . Vicky did not answer his question and headed for the door . " Get going twerp , I don 't have time for this now . I 'll settle things with you later . " Timmy silently followed her to the car and got in . He couldn 't hold the questions in any longer and he tried to ask again . " Where are we going ? " " To get some dinner , " Vicky made a left turn . This was not her usual car , Timmy observed . Though her car was nice , it wasn 't as fancy and expensive as the silver Mercedes she was now driving . Feeling Timmy 's curious look , Vicky thought it would be best to get the explanations out of the way to avoid complications later . " Hayden , my date , wanted to meet the boy I babysit . He said it 's because it 'll help him get to know me . I trust you know how to behave and what will happen if you don 't ? " " I 'll make sure to mention how wonderful you are , " the words were dripping with sarcasm . He knew what she was asking him to do , to put up an act as if they were friends and to compliment everything she did so that this Hayden guy would think she 's perfect . As for what would happen if he didn 't do it , he didn 't want to find out . The restaurant was easily the most expensive one in Dimmsdale . Gourmet foods , an elegant atmosphere , a live orchestra , it had it all . She stopped in front of the restaurant and handed the keys to the young man who took care of parking the cars . He too was elegantly dressed , even if he would simply spend the night parking cars . He tried his best to keep a polite smile plastered on his face while holding the car 's door , but Vicky 's glare would give him nightmares . The look in her eyes seemed to say ' if you put a scratch in my new car , I 'll kill you ' . No doubt the car must have been a gift from Hayden . Another employee , who looked like a butler , welcomed them at the door and held it open for them . A young lady in an elegant black dress , stood at the door , as if waiting for them . " Welcome Miss Vicky , " she bowed . " Master Hayden has asked me to take you and your guest to the table . " Vicky had to admit the girl was flexible to bow like that , a little more and her nose would touch the floor , not that she minded . Timmy was not feeling any more comfortable than before . In his sincere opinion , the person who least deserved to be treated like royalty , was Vicky . It didn 't take too long after they were seated for Timmy to spot Cosmo and Wanda as pink and green roses on a near by vase . The restaurant was filled with rich snobs , which would have been enough to take his appetitive away , if he wasn 't so hungry . So far , Vicky and Hayden had done nothing but idly chat about unimportant things . He was supposed to be the one who asked her to bring Timmy along , yet other than a greeting and an introduction , he was being ignored . Timmy slouched in his seat and crossed his arms . Hayden occasionally gave him a few odd glances . It was the kind of look you give someone when you think you 've seen them before , but don 't quite remember . After a pause in their conversation , Hayden finally picked up the menu . " Shall we order something , my dear ? " Hayden had golden blond hair , deep blue eyes that looked violet depending on the light and a charming smile . While Hayden had suggested that Vicky ordered first , Timmy continued becoming more and more impatient . He certainly hoped she would hurry and order something and that his turn would come soon . Yet he waited , he knew he would be in trouble if he didn 't behave and Vicky 's occasional kicks under the table were a reminder of that . xoxox xox xoxox The food had been finally brought to the table . That didn 't take long at all , but they had waited so long before ordering , that Timmy was famished . He had gone to Fairy World before Vicky arrived and all that running around really took it out of him . Much to his grimace , just as Timmy was about to eat , Hayden choose that moment to start a conversation . " Timmy Turner , " he voiced the name as if it had a familiar ring , but he couldn 't quite place it . " Tell me about yourself . " Timmy paused , fork in hand . He wasn 't even sure that was the right fork since there were so many . He did not expect the request and his mind went blank . When he didn 't answer right away , Vicky kicked him under the table again . " I . . . ah . . . um . . . . I 'm just an average kid ? " " I 'm sure you can be a little more expressive , Timmy . " Hayden laughed with hidden mockery and Vicky laughed nervously . She delivered another vicious kick under the table which made Timmy cringe . ' I 'm sure you can go back to ignoring me and let me eat in peace , Hayden , ' it was a reply he wanted to say very badly , but had to swallow his words instead of the delicious food that begged to be eaten . " I 'm a student , I live with my parents . " Timmy paused and chose his next words carefully , under the pressure of Vicky 's glare , funny how she managed to look angelical whenever Hayden glanced at her . He wondered how long it would take for her to snap and show her true colors . " Vicky always takes care of me and we 're very good friends , " Timmy forced a smile ; the words had left a sour aftertaste . " What about you , Hayden ? I 'm curious to know about you too . " Hopefully the rich boy was as self centered as he looked . If that was the case , he would start talking none stop and Timmy would have the chance to eat while pretending to listen . " I 'm pretty average myself , but to tell you the truth , the reason I wanted to meet you was because you may hold a clue to my past . " Hayden made sure to pay close attention to Timmy 's reaction . Timmy was surprised ; he had no idea what this was about . Hayden continued his story , seeing that Timmy didn 't say anything . " A few months ago , I traveled to Dimmsdale for unknown reasons . I didn 't tell anyone why I was coming and no one questioned me because naturally , no one would go against my word . " In Timmy 's eyes , Hayden was becoming more annoying . He nodded and pretended he was interested in the story . It didn 't make sense that he wouldn 't know the reason for his own trip . " Days later I was wondering around Dimmsdale with no memories of what happened during the past few days . I only remembered the name Timmy Turner . " Vicky tried to smile innocently at Hayden 's words and he waited for Timmy to speak . " I 'm sure I 've never met you before . " It was the first clarification Timmy thought he should make . " You seem to be alright though , I mean the loss of memories was just a few days and you still remember who you are , right ? " Timmy 's life had taken a very interesting twist in the past few weeks . Much to Vicky 's dismay , Hayden kept inviting him to come along wherever they went , claiming that Timmy was like the younger brother he never had . He had to be careful because if Hayden dumped Vicky , Timmy would get blamed . He also felt a little guilty leaving Cosmo and Wanda alone for so long . Usually they would follow , but the news of a series fairy kidnappings that had been kept hidden for some time , had finally come out and it frightened Cosmo . Wanda was dealing with the situation a little better , but for Cosmo 's sake they stayed hidden in their fishbowl castle , unless Timmy needed them . There were things that still didn 't make sense and the feeling that Hayden was hiding something hung heavily in the air . That fact became apparent when Timmy eavesdropped in one of his conversations with Vicky . If Hayden invited him to come along , it wouldn 't be to leave him behind . He stuck to him like glue even if it bothered Vicky , more so because it bothered Vicky . " Vicky , my love , " Hayden took her hands in his as they stood with in the highest deck of his luxury private ship , which was anchored at the beach , with the sunset as their background . " I wanted to tell you the reason why it was you who got my attention . " His next words came as a surprise for both Timmy , who remained hidden in the nearby cabin , and Vicky who was expecting to hear something romantic . " I know all about your reputation , Icky Vicky and all the rest . " Before she could say or do anything , he spoke again , " I admire you . " Then her reputation was a good thing ? She breathed in relief as he continued explaining his reasons . " I imagine you must have tortured Turner quite a bit , yes , I know about that too . It must be annoying to have him around , yet you 've kept your cool . Well done , now I know we 're perfect for each other . I 'm not sure why I lost my memory , but I know that it was Timmy Turner and that red haired mystery woman who caused it . My memories were not completely erased , I don 't know what happened , but I know what my purpose in Dimmsdale was . It 's all been slowly coming back to me . " " What ? " Vicky had been so distracted by her relationship with Hayden and by trying to think of a way to get Timmy out of the way , that she had forgotten to dye her hair . A thin line of red was starting to show along the roots , revealing her natural color . " Red ! Red ! It 's red ! Your hair is red ! Liar ! You dyed your roots black didn 't you ? You tricked me , it was all a trick ! You and Turner are both trying to stop me ! " " No , I won 't let you stand in my way . Just two more , two more and I win . But your memories are gone too ? I 'll strike just like I originally planned , I 'll replay that moment and win ! Go back ; now that I know it was you , revenge will be mine ! " Laughing like a maniac , Hayden jumped overboard . Her driving was reckless and she was filled with anger . " Shut up ! " She had discovered Timmy eavesdropping and that certainly didn 't help the situation . Hayden had said to go back . Vicky wasn 't sure why , but she had a feeling that he meant to go back to the Turner residence . Luckily , Timmy parents were still not home when Vicky 's car came to a screeching halt in front of the house . " Vicky , what 's going on ? Why did you leave Hayden after he fell ? He was acting all weird but I don 't think he deserved to drown . I didn 't mean to eavesdrop I was just . . . " " He didn 't fall . " Vicky unlocked the door and entered the house . A feeling of foreboding washed over them as they stepped inside . " I mean he did fall , but never hit the water . He disappeared before he got there . " The young man stopped in front of the house . This was where his targets were , two of them . He grinned maliciously ; it should be as easy as it was all those other times . He had heard that there were others like him in Dimmsdale , one who was defeated and one who was incompetent . Either way it didn 't matter , because the prey would be his . Carrying a lot of futuristic looking equipment , Hayden picked the lock of the Turner 's front door . As cocky as he was , sneaking around more than absolutely necessary was not his style . The door was unlocked easily as if he had a lot of experience doing this . He was not a common thief ; he had no interest in what little valuable items that house could contain . He was already rich and he had made his fortune in a very unusual way . It couldn 't really be said it was illegal , the law never mentioned magic . He quietly made his way across the living room then he heard the sound of a car . He had thought hat the family who lived in that house had long since gone to sleep , but it seemed they stayed out late that night . He rushed to hide ; no way would he get caught and be treated like an ordinary thief . In his haste , he knocked over a vase for which the son of the family would later be blamed . The noise was too suspicious . As the front door began to open he rushed to get out . He took a door leading to the garage , as he heard a man and a woman discussing their broken vase and the fact that the door was unlocked . When Hayden tried to find his way around in the darkness of the cluttered garage , he knocked down a few boxes . The noise would surely attract unwanted attention . He could hear the footsteps approaching the door that connected the garage to the house . Then he saw his escape in the shape of a scooter . Without a second thought , he jumped on the odd scooter but it was not an ordinary vehicle . When he tried to start it up , he vanished . The scooter reappeared in the same garage but the boxes were stalked up again and everything was quiet . Hayden was confused , but he decided that maybe he could accomplish his mission that night after all . He did not know that it was not the same night anymore ; he had traveled to the future but not too far into it . Hayden made his way upstairs , sneaking past the red hair woman who had fallen asleep in the living room with the TV on ; there was no sign of the couple he heard before . In one of the rooms he found a fishbowl with a little castle inside . " Come out little fairies , the reason why your friends have been disappearing is here ! " Obviously , the hunter did not expect them to actually come out so he forced them out . Vicky was woken up by the commotion and rushed to see what was going on . As soon as she arrived to see the battle in Timmy 's room , she realized right away what was going on . " Fairies are real ? Timmy has fairies ! " So many things from the past finally made sense . She had never truly believed in fairies , but she didn 't deny their existence either . However , until she saw proof , she would not believe in them and there was the proof right in front of her . " Timmy Turner ! " Jorgen 's voice shook the entire house , as the muscular fairy appeared . " Your fairies have been discovered , " he paused , eyes wide as he stared at Hayden . " The hunter ! " Fairy hunters had become so abundant in the last few years that fairies had to take a stand . Specially trained fairies would seek them out and capture them until the location of their prisoners and colleagues was revealed . After they got all the information they needed , the hunter 's memories were erased and they were returned to the human world with no knowledge of the existence of fairies . This particular hunter had been eluding the authorities for quite some time . Hayden had heard about the fairy called Jorgen Von Strangle , a very powerful and formidable opponent to even the strongest hunters . Worse yet , the two fairies he was trying to capture proved to be more powerful than he thought . He had no choice , he had to escape . Hayden made it to the garage . If that strange scooter saved him before , it could save him again . He wasn 't sure how to use it and accidentally set it back to return him to his original time before any of the events that led to Vicky 's discovery took place . As Hayden disappeared , Jorgen 's magic reached him . Because he was fading through time when the magic hit him , his memories were not completely erased , rather deeply buried in his mind . Hayden knew who he was , but he did not know how he made his fortune or why he went to Dimmsdale in the first place . When Jorgen arrived , his voice rung out so strongly that the echo of Timmy 's name was the first memory to surface . It had been Vicky 's discovery of the fairies that had summoned him and that made Hayden feel anger towards the red haired woman . He had forgotten the red haired woman who unknowingly summoned Jorgen ; he only knew that he hated red hair , even if he couldn 't explain why . After leaving Dimmsdale and returning home , Hayden slowly began to rediscover his identity . It all started when he accidentally stumbled upon a hidden passage in his mansion , which led him to secret lair . He realized what his mission was and he assumed that must have been his purpose to be at Dimmsdale . His fairy tracking devices revealed the location of two fairies . The name of Timmy Turner was his only clue about the events he had forgotten , so he investigated . He was surprised on how easily he could find information online because the boy had apparently helped Chip Skylark come up with a few songs in the past . The infamous Icky Vicky was his babysitter and with her attitude and fighting spirit , she could make a great fairy hunter , too bad she had red hair . Hayden enrolled in the same classes as Vicky to have an excuse to be in Dimmsdale without looking suspicious and to investigate . He could strike at any time but he was set in getting his memories back . Then he was tricked into thinking that Vicky didn 't have red hair and considered her as a possibility for a fairy hunting partner , not realizing that she was the same from the events he had forgotten . He kept Timmy close to try to unlock his memories . Ironically , it was not Timmy but Vicky who ended up accidentally unlocking Hayden 's sealed memories , when he discovered her natural color and the anger made something snap in his mind , his memories resurfacing . He still didn 't have a full understanding about the time traveling that occurred , but he remembered being so close and retreating when a tall muscular fairy had arrived , Jorgen Von Strange , the enemy of the fairy hunters . End Flashback Vicky waited impatiently but she realized that Hayden wasn 't going to show up right away . " I 'm taking a shower , don 't answer the door . Look through the peek hole and if it 's Hayden call me immediately . " Timmy nodded silently . xoxox xox xoxox " Hayden already knows so there 's no point in hiding it . I want to know why he hates red hair so much and why he wanted to have you around . I want some answers . " Before Timmy could say anything , Vicky opened the door and allowed Hayden to step inside . " I wish . . . ( cough ) I wish the smoke would clear up ! " As if by magic , Timmy 's wish was granted . Cosmo and Wanda had been hiding witnessing everything . " I see , they 're here . Come out ! " Hayden held up a metal rod with a glass bubble at the end . The device forced Cosmo and Wanda out of hiding absorbing them into the magic proof bubble . " Timmy has . . . " Vicky began to said , it looked as if history was repeating itself before it even happened . She noticed Timmy shaking his head frantically and she stopped . He had fairies and suddenly a lot of things made sense when she considered the possibility of there being magic involved . But for some reason he didn 't want her to say it . Then a strong voice made the house rumble . " Timmy Turner ! " Jorgen Von Strangle appeared before them . Vicky had not admitted her knowledge , but she had started to say something and that was enough for him . Vicky 's eyes went wide in realization . If the knowledge of the existence of fairies was announced , then he would come . This large fairy must have been the one Hayden was talking about , but she had not even finished her sentence . " Cosmo , Wanda , do whatever you can to deny him your magic . I - we 'll get you out of there ! " Timmy looked towards Vicky and Jorgen , they understood that teaming up was the only way to win . " Let 's try , like Timmy said , even if it hurts we have to try ! " The pink haired fairy insisted . Her husband nodded and they tried their best to resist , even if it hurt more . The next strike wasn 't as powerful as the first . " It 's working , keep resisting . " Timmy called to his fairies . It hurt to see them in pain , but it was the only way to end this and save them . All three of them , Timmy , Vicky and Jorgen , continued the battle . Hayden kept on losing power until he could no longer rely on Cosmo and Wanda 's magic . He threw the useless rod aside containing the unconscious fairies . Timmy rushed to catch it and try to get them out . " You still cannot defeat me ! " Hayden was about to draw another weapon but Jorgen sent lightning at him as payback . The overload of electricity short - circuited all his weaponry , as he was surrounded by small explosions . He was injured but miraculously alive and still standing , ready to fight to the end . " It 's not over yet , I never lose ! Never ! " " Hey Mr . Secret Agent ! " Vicky addressed Jorgen . " This is what you 're looking for isn 't it ? " She handed him two pairs of batteries she had randomly found in the room while trying to come up with a plan to keep her own memories . " Those are not regular batteries , they 're nuclear , right ? But somehow someone made a mistake and they ended up in these toys . " Vicky pointed to Cosmo and Wanda , they caught on and stayed perfectly still like lifeless dolls . " Hayden was a psycho terrorist who wanted to steal those batteries to power his weapons . Something like this would cause a panic . That is why the government wants to keep it a secret . " Jorgen looked at Vicky then at Timmy who pleaded with his eyes . " You have the batteries you were looking for and you can arrest the criminal so you don 't need to take my toys , his weapons are more than enough evidence . We 'll keep the secret ! " Jorgen remained silent for a moment before making his decision . " Very well , speak of this to no one . The government will handle the rest . " He picked up the unconscious fairy hunter and left , using the door , then poofed back to fairy world after he was out of sight . The day in the future in which Hayden appeared in the garage finally arrived and history was slightly re - written . Vicky pretended to sleep to hide her awareness of the situation , while Timmy had alerted Jorgen to Hayden 's arrival . Hayden narrowly escaped after realizing he was being ambushed , with Jorgen 's magic reaching him as he faded back to his original time , having the same effect of burring his memories . Jorgen approached the apparently sleeping Vicky . " I thought she would discover your fairies . I don 't think she would believe that I 'm a secret agent again , but this time she slept through the whole thing . How is that possible ? " " I know ; you should thank me that I 'm doing overtime . I was kind enough to offer to take care of you tomorrow . In fact , I 'll take you to the mall so you don 't get bored of being here all day . Your parents already agreed , " Vicky was amused by Timmy 's expression , even if it was more annoyed than terrified . " You know what that means , don 't you ? " |
June weather typically is sunny and bright . It 's time to get out and enjoy after being indoors during those winter months . Today my wife and I , we are planning on heading towards Northern Georgia mountains - in and around Helen , GA , for a fishing expedition . Our son Chris , is gone for a mission trip in Dallas and will be back only next week . Toddler rules Many of my friends happen to be toddlers . We all have gone through this stage at one time or the other . While dealing with these toddlers , one needs to remembers the rules they play by . Here are top toddler 10 rules of possession . 1 . If I like it , it 's mine . Carl was a quiet man . He didn 't talk much . He would always greet you with a big smile and a firm handshake . Even after living in our neighborhood for over 50 years , no one could really say they knew him very well . Before his retirement , he took the bus to work each morning . The lone sight of him walking down the street often worried us . He had a slight limp from a bullet wound received in WWII . Watching him , we worried that although he had survived WWII , he may not make it through our changing uptown neighborhood with its ever - increasing random violence , gangs and drug activity . He was well into his 87th year when the very thing we had always feared finally happened . He was just finishing his watering for the day when three gang members approached him . Ignoring their attempt to intimidate him , he simply asked , " Would you like a drink from the hose ? " The tallest and toughest - looking of the three said , " Yeah , sure , " with a malevolent little smile . As Carl offered the hose to him , the other two grabbed Carl 's arm , throwing him down . As the hose snaked crazily over the ground , dousing everything in its way , Carl 's assailants stole his retirement watch and his wallet , and then fled . Carl tried to get himself up , but he had been thrown down on his bad leg . He lay there trying to gather himself as the minister came running out to help him . Although the minister had witnessed the attack from his window , he couldn 't get there fast enough to stop it . " Carl , are you okay ? Are you hurt ? " the minister kept asking as he helped Carl to his feet . Carl just passed a hand over his brow and signed , shaking his head . " Just some punk kids . I hope they 'll wise - up someday . " His wet clothes clung to his slight frame as he bent to pick up the hose . He adjusted the nozzle again and started to water . Confused and a little concerned , the minister asked , " Carl , what are you doing ? " " I 've got to finish my watering . It 's been very dry lately , " came the calm reply . Satisfying himself that Carl really was alright , the minister could only marvel . Carl was a man from a different time and place . A few weeks later the three returned . Just as before , their threat was unchallenged . Carl again offered them a drink from his hose . This time they didn 't rob him . They wrenched the hose from his hand and drenched him head to foot in the icy water . When they had finished their humiliation of him , they sauntered off down the street , throwing catcalls and curses , falling over one another laughing at the hilarity of what they had just done . Carl just watched them . Then he turned toward the warmth giving sun , picked up his hose , and went on with his watering . The summer was quickly fading into fall . Carl was doing some tilling when he was startled by the sudden approach of someone behind him . He stumbled and fell into some evergreen branches . As he struggled to regain his footing , he turned to see the tall leader of his summer tormentors reaching down for him . He braced himself for the expected attack . " Don 't worry old man . I 'm not going to hurt you this time . " The young man spoke softly , still offering the tattooed and scarred hand to Carl . As he helped Carl get up , the man pulled a crumpled bag from his pocket and handed it to Carl . " What 's this ? " Carl asked . " It 's your stuff , " the man explained . " It 's your stuff back . Even the money in your wallet . " " I don 't understand , " Carl said . " Why would you help me now ? " The man shifted his feet , seeming embarrassed and ill at ease . " I learned something from you , " he said . " I ran with that gang and hurt people like you . We picked you because you were old and we knew we could do it . But every time we came and did something to you , instead of yelling and fighting back , you tried to give us a drink . You didn 't hate us for hating you . You kept showing love against our hate . " He stopped for a moment . " I couldn 't sleep after we stole your stuff , so here it is back . " He paused for another awkward moment , not knowing what more there was to say . " That bag 's my way of saying thanks for straightening me out , I guess . " And with that , he walked off down the street . Carl looked down at the sack in his hands and gingerly opened it . He took out his retirement watch and put it back on his wrist . Opening his wallet , he checked for his wedding photo . He gazed for a moment at the young bride that still smiled back at him from all those years ago . He died one cold day after Christmas that winter . Many people attended his funeral in spite of the weather . In particular , the minister noticed a tall young man that he didn 't know sitting quietly in a distant corner of the church . The minister spoke of Carl 's garden as a lesson in life . In a voice made thick with unshed tears , he said , " Do you best and make your garden as beautiful as you can . We will never forget Carl and his garden . " The following spring another flyer went up . It read : " Person needed to care for Carl 's garden . " The flyer went unnoticed by the busy parishioners until one day when a knock was heard at the minister 's office door . Opening the door , the minister saw a pair of scarred and tattooed hands holding the flyer . " I believe this is my job , if you 'll have me , " the young man said . The minister recognized him as the same young man who had returned the stolen watch and wallet to Carl . He knew that Carl 's kindness had turned this man 's life around . As the minister handed him the keys to the garden shed , he said , " Yes , go take care of Carl 's garden and honor him . " The man went to work and , over the next several years , he tended the flowers and vegetables just as Carl had done . In that time , he went to college , got married , and became a prominent member of the community . But he never forgot his promise to Carl 's memory and kept the garden as beautiful as he thought Carl would have kept it . One day he approached the new minister and told him that he couldn 't care for the garden any longer . He explained with a shy and happy smile , " My wife just had a baby boy last night , and she 's bringing him home on Saturday . " " Well , congratulations ! " said the minister , as he was handed the garden shed keys . " That 's wonderful ! What 's the baby 's name ? " " Carl , " he replied . Harvard Business School is no longer seeking essays from applicants , starting 2014 . Until now , HBS required applicants to submit two essays . Competitive students used to hire consultants to help them write these essays , to improve their chances getting admitted . Many universities still require an essay as part of their application package . The schoolmaster spoke angrily . He was in trouble because his scholars would not study . Whenever his back was turned , they were sure to begin whispering to one another . But still they would whisper , and he could not prevent it . The afternoon was half gone , and the trouble was growing . Then the master thought of a plan . " Children , " he said , " we are going to play a new game . The next one that whispers must come out and stand in the middle of the floor . He must stand there until he sees some one else whisper . Then he will tell me , and the one whom he names must come and take his place . He , in turn , will watch and report the first one that he sees whisper . And so we will keep the game going till it is time for school to be dismissed . The boy or girl who is standing at that time will be punished for all of you . " " What will the punishment be , Mr . Johnson ? " asked a bold , bad boy . " A good thrashing , " answered the master . He was tired , he was vexed , he hardly knew what he said . The children thought the new game was very funny . First , Tommy Jones whispered to Billy Brown and was at once called out to stand on the floor . Within less than two minutes , Billy saw Mary Green whispering , and she had to take his place . Mary looked around and saw Samuel Miller asking his neighbor for a pencil , and Samuel was called . And so the fun went on until the clock showed that it lacked only ten minutes till school would be dismissed . Then all became very good and very careful , for no one wished to be standing at the time of dismissal . They knew that the master would be as good as his word . The clock ticked loudly , and Tommy Jones , who was standing up for the fourth time , began to feel very uneasy . He stood on one leg and then on the other , and watched very closely ; but nobody whispered . Could it be possible that he would receive that thrashing ? Suddenly , to his great joy he saw little Lucy Martin lean over her desk and whisper to the girl in front of her . Now Lucy was the pet of the school . Everybody loved her , and this was the first time she had whispered that day . But Tommy didn 't care for that . He wished to escape the punishment , and so he called out , " Lucy Martin ! " and went proudly to his seat . Little Lucy had not meant to whisper . There was something which she wished very much to know before going home , and so , without thinking , she had leaned over and whispered just three little words . With tears in her eyes she went out and stood in the whisperer 's place . She was very much ashamed and hurt , for it was the first time that she had ever been in disgrace at school . The other girls felt sorry that she should suffer for so small a fault . The boys looked at her and wondered if the master would really be as good as his word . The clock kept on ticking . It lacked only one minute till the bell would strike the time for dismissal . What a shame that dear , gentle Lucy should be punished for all those unruly boys and girls ! Everybody saw him . Little Lucy Martin saw him through her tears , but said nothing . Everybody was astonished , for that boy was the best scholar in the school , and he had never been known to break a rule . " Elihu Burritt , take your place on the floor , " said the master sternly . The awkward boy stepped out quickly , and little Lucy Martin returned to her seat sobbing . At the same moment the bell struck and school was dismissed . All this happened many years ago in New Britain , Connecticut . Elihu Burritt was a poor boy who was determined to learn . He worked many years as a blacksmith and studied books whenever he had a spare moment . He learned many languages and became known all over the world as " The Learned Blacksmith . " Once upon a time there lived a woman who had no children . She dreamed of having a little girl , but time went by , and her dream never came true . She then went to visit a witch , who gave her a magic grain of barley . She planted it in a flower pot . And the very next day , the grain had turned into a lovely flower , rather like a tulip . The woman softly kissed its half shut petals . And as though by magic , the flower opened in full blossom . Inside sat a tiny girl , no bigger than a thumb . The woman called her Thumbelina . For a bed she had a walnut shell , violet petals for her mattress and a rose petal blanket . In the daytime , she played in a tulip petal boat , floating on a plate of water . Using two horse hairs as oars , Thumbelina . sailed around her little lake , singing and singing in a gentle sweet voice . Then one night , as she lay fast asleep in her walnut shell , a large frog hopped through a hole in the window pane . As she gazed down at Thumbelina . , she said to herself : " How pretty she is ! She 'd make the perfect bride for my own dear son ! " She picked up Thumbelina . , walnut shell and all , and hopped into the garden . Nobody saw her go . Back at the pond , her fat ugly son , who always did as mother told him , was pleased with her choice . But mother frog was afraid that her pretty prisoner might run away . So she carried Thumbelina out to a water lily leaf in the middle of the pond . " And we have plenty of time to prepare a new home for you and your bride . " Thumbelina . was left all alone . She felt so desperate . She knew she would never be able to escape the fate that awaited her with the two horrid fat frogs . All she could do was cry her eyes out . However , one or two minnows who had been enjoying the shade below the water lily leaf , had overheard the two frogs talking , and the little girl 's bitter sobs . They decided to do something about it . So they nibbled away at the lily stem till it broke and drifted away in the weak current . A dancing butterfly had an idea : " Throw me the end of your belt ! I 'll help you to move a little faster ! " Thumbelina . gratefully did so , and the leaf soon floated away from the frog pond . " Isn 't she pretty ? " he said to his friends . But they pointed out that she was far too different . So the beetle took her down the tree and set her free . It was summertime , and Thumbelina . wandered all by herself amongst the flowers and through the long grass . She had pollen for her meals and drank the dew . Then the rainy season came , bringing nasty weather . The poor child found it hard to find food and shelter . When winter set in , she suffered from the cold and felt terrible pangs of hunger . One day , as Thumbelina . roamed helplessly over the bare meadows , she met a large spider who promised to help her . He took her to a hollow tree and guarded the door with a stout web . Then he brought her some dried chestnuts and called his friends to come and admire her beauty . But just like the beetles , all the other spiders persuaded Thumbelina 's rescuer to let her go . Crying her heart out , and quite certain that nobody wanted her because she was ugly , Thumbelina . left the spider 's house . As she wandered , shivering with the cold , suddenly she came across a solid little cottage , made of twigs and dead leaves . Hopefully , she knocked on the door . It was opened by a field mouse . " What are you doing outside in this weather ? " he asked . " Come in and warm yourself . " Comfortable and cozy , the field mouse 's home was stocked with food . For her keep , Thumbelina . did the housework and told the mouse stories . One day , the field mouse said a friend was coming to visit them . " He 's a very rich mole , and has a lovely house . He wears a splendid black fur coat , but he 's dreadfully shortsighted . He needs company and he 'd like to marry you ! " Thumbelina . did not relish the idea . However , when the mole came , she sang sweetly to him and he fell head over heels in love . The mole invited Thumbelina . and the field mouse to visit him , but to their surprise and horror , they came upon a swallow in the tunnel . It looked dead . Mole nudged it with his foot , saying : " That 'll teach her ! She should have come underground instead of darting about the sky all summer ! " Thumbelina . was so shocked by such cruel words that later , she crept back unseen to the tunnel . " It 's kind of you to nurse me , " it told Thumbelina . But , in spring , the swallow flew away , after offering to take the little girl with it . All summer , Thumbelina . did her best to avoid marrying the mole . The little girl thought fearfully of how she 'd have to live underground forever . On the eve of her wedding , she asked to spend a day in the open air . As she gently fingered a flower , she heard a familiar song : " Winter 's on its way and I 'll be off to warmer lands . Come with me ! " Thumbelina quickly clung to her swallow friend , and the bird soared into the sky . They flew over plains and hills till they reached a country of flowers . The swallow gently laid Thumbelina . in a blossom . There she met a tiny , white - winged fairy : the King of the Flower Fairies . Instantly , he asked her to marry him . Thumbelina . eagerly said " yes " , and sprouting tiny white wings , she became the Flower Queen ! So Golden Hair took Blue Eyes ' hand , and they started up the mountain side . It was a warm day , and they were obliged to stop many times to rest under the great oak trees which grew on either side of the path . They made baskets of leaves and filled them with berries as a gift for the old woman . They chased the squirrels and watched the gay little fishes darting about in the brook . On and on they walked in the rocky path , until the sun went down and the birds forgot to sing and the squirrels went to bed . Before long the stars peeped out and the moon shone down on them , and they were a long way from home - but they kept on climbing and climbing . Call Center Kumar was trying to get a job in one of the call centers in India . The Personnel Manager said , " Kumar , you have passed all the tests , except one on your grasp of the English language . Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job . " A wild gleam came into the judge 's eyes . " You 're a schoolteacher , eh ? " he said . " Madam , I shall realize my lifelong ambition . I 've waited years to have a schoolteacher in my court . Now sit down at that table and write ' I will not drive through red lights ' 500 times ! " Little Anders had a fine new cap . His mother had made it for him with her shining knitting needles and balls of bright yarn . Most of the cap was red , but Mother had used up all her red yarn before the cap was done . So she knit part of it green and made the tassel blue . Anders was very proud of his new cap . He pulled it down over his ears and marched through the house . His brothers and sisters told him what a fine cap it was . A farm boy was passing by leading his horse . He noticed Anders ' beautiful cap of red and green and blue and made him a deep bow . How proud Anders felt ! Then he met a big boy he knew . The big boy wore high boots and he had a bright new jack - knife in his hand . The big boy stopped short to look at Anders ' beautiful cap of red and green and blue . He even went up to Anders and felt the blue tassel . Now Anders had never had a jack - knife and he wanted that bright new one very much . He thought he would be almost grown - up if he owned a jack - knife . But of course , he would not give up his beautiful cap of red and green and blue that Mother had made , for all the jack - knives in the world . So he shook his head and walked on . And off Anders started to the King 's palace . At the gate stood two fierce looking soldiers , with guns over their shoulders and shiny steel helmets on their heads . They stopped Anders and one of them asked , " Where are you going , little boy ? " So Anders walked beside the Princess , up the white marble steps and into the King 's palace . On every side there were ladies in beautiful dresses of silk , satin and velvet , and gentlemen in fine uniforms with gold braid and buttons . They all bowed deeply as Anders and the Princess passed by . Anders felt sure it was because of the beautiful cap of red and green and blue , that Mother had made . At last Anders and the Princess came to a big hall , where there was a long table set with snowy white linen . The plates and goblets on it were of shining gold . There were great dishes piled high with rich cakes . There were bowls of shaking jellies , pink and green , and baskets of fruit of many kinds . The Princess sat down in a chair of gold and told Anders to sit in the one beside her . And then she took hold of Anders ' beautiful cap of red and green and blue and tried to pull it off . But Anders was too quick for her and held on to his cap with both hands . How could he let his fine cap be taken away ! He might never get it back again . The Princess coaxed and coaxed . She filled Anders ' pockets with cakes . She took her fine gold chain and slipped it around his neck and she gave him a kiss on each cheek . Just then the doors at the end of the hall opened and in came the King himself . He wore a beautiful cloak of blue velvet trimmed with white fur . On his head rested a great golden crown . Beside him walked gentlemen in fine uniforms , carrying hats with long plumes . " Yes , " answered Anders proudly . " My mother knit this cap for me of her best yarn . Everybody seems to want my beautiful cap of red and green and blue . " " How would you like to change with me ? " asked the King still smiling . He put his two hands up to his head and took off his golden crown . Then he came close to Anders . He held the golden crown in one hand and with the other he reached out to take Anders ' beautiful cap of red and green and blue . Quick as a flash Anders slipped down from his chair and ran through the long hall . He dashed down the steps and out into the yard . The cakes tumbled out of his pockets , but Anders did not stop to pick them up . The clasp of the beautiful gold chain , which the Princess had given him , unfastened and fell off , but still Anders did not stop . His two hands clung to his cap . His beautiful cap of red and green and blue was safe on his head . Anders ran and ran until at last he was at home . He burst into the cottage all out of breath . When he had finished , his big brother spoke up , " If I had been there , I would have taken the King 's crown . You were silly not to take it , Anders . A King 's crown is worth a lot of money . You could have sold it and bought high boots and a velvet jacket and a velvet cap with a long plume , much better than your knitted - cap . " This blog may contain copyrighted material . Such material is made available for educational purposes , to advance understanding of human rights , democracy , scientific , moral , ethical , and social justice issues , etc . This constitutes a ' fair use ' of any such copyrighted material as provided for in Title 17 U . S . C . section 107 of the US Copyright Law . This material is distributed without profit . Images and text are copyrighted to their respective authors and publishers . The author does not have any financial benefit from posting them . In the event a problem or error with copyrighted material is brought to notice , the break of the copyright is unintentional and non - commercial and such material will be removed immediately by request . All images and news items shown on this blog ( apart from where indicated as my own ) , are the property of their respective owners . These images have been collected from various public sources , including websites , considering to be in public domain . If anyone has any objection in displaying any image or news , it may be brought to my attention via email & the same will be be removed immediately , after verification of the claim . |
June weather typically is sunny and bright . It 's time to get out and enjoy after being indoors during those winter months . Today my wife and I , we are planning on heading towards Northern Georgia mountains - in and around Helen , GA , for a fishing expedition . Our son Chris , is gone for a mission trip in Dallas and will be back only next week . Toddler rules Many of my friends happen to be toddlers . We all have gone through this stage at one time or the other . While dealing with these toddlers , one needs to remembers the rules they play by . Here are top toddler 10 rules of possession . 1 . If I like it , it 's mine . Carl was a quiet man . He didn 't talk much . He would always greet you with a big smile and a firm handshake . Even after living in our neighborhood for over 50 years , no one could really say they knew him very well . Before his retirement , he took the bus to work each morning . The lone sight of him walking down the street often worried us . He had a slight limp from a bullet wound received in WWII . Watching him , we worried that although he had survived WWII , he may not make it through our changing uptown neighborhood with its ever - increasing random violence , gangs and drug activity . He was well into his 87th year when the very thing we had always feared finally happened . He was just finishing his watering for the day when three gang members approached him . Ignoring their attempt to intimidate him , he simply asked , " Would you like a drink from the hose ? " The tallest and toughest - looking of the three said , " Yeah , sure , " with a malevolent little smile . As Carl offered the hose to him , the other two grabbed Carl 's arm , throwing him down . As the hose snaked crazily over the ground , dousing everything in its way , Carl 's assailants stole his retirement watch and his wallet , and then fled . Carl tried to get himself up , but he had been thrown down on his bad leg . He lay there trying to gather himself as the minister came running out to help him . Although the minister had witnessed the attack from his window , he couldn 't get there fast enough to stop it . " Carl , are you okay ? Are you hurt ? " the minister kept asking as he helped Carl to his feet . Carl just passed a hand over his brow and signed , shaking his head . " Just some punk kids . I hope they 'll wise - up someday . " His wet clothes clung to his slight frame as he bent to pick up the hose . He adjusted the nozzle again and started to water . Confused and a little concerned , the minister asked , " Carl , what are you doing ? " " I 've got to finish my watering . It 's been very dry lately , " came the calm reply . Satisfying himself that Carl really was alright , the minister could only marvel . Carl was a man from a different time and place . A few weeks later the three returned . Just as before , their threat was unchallenged . Carl again offered them a drink from his hose . This time they didn 't rob him . They wrenched the hose from his hand and drenched him head to foot in the icy water . When they had finished their humiliation of him , they sauntered off down the street , throwing catcalls and curses , falling over one another laughing at the hilarity of what they had just done . Carl just watched them . Then he turned toward the warmth giving sun , picked up his hose , and went on with his watering . The summer was quickly fading into fall . Carl was doing some tilling when he was startled by the sudden approach of someone behind him . He stumbled and fell into some evergreen branches . As he struggled to regain his footing , he turned to see the tall leader of his summer tormentors reaching down for him . He braced himself for the expected attack . " Don 't worry old man . I 'm not going to hurt you this time . " The young man spoke softly , still offering the tattooed and scarred hand to Carl . As he helped Carl get up , the man pulled a crumpled bag from his pocket and handed it to Carl . " What 's this ? " Carl asked . " It 's your stuff , " the man explained . " It 's your stuff back . Even the money in your wallet . " " I don 't understand , " Carl said . " Why would you help me now ? " The man shifted his feet , seeming embarrassed and ill at ease . " I learned something from you , " he said . " I ran with that gang and hurt people like you . We picked you because you were old and we knew we could do it . But every time we came and did something to you , instead of yelling and fighting back , you tried to give us a drink . You didn 't hate us for hating you . You kept showing love against our hate . " He stopped for a moment . " I couldn 't sleep after we stole your stuff , so here it is back . " He paused for another awkward moment , not knowing what more there was to say . " That bag 's my way of saying thanks for straightening me out , I guess . " And with that , he walked off down the street . Carl looked down at the sack in his hands and gingerly opened it . He took out his retirement watch and put it back on his wrist . Opening his wallet , he checked for his wedding photo . He gazed for a moment at the young bride that still smiled back at him from all those years ago . He died one cold day after Christmas that winter . Many people attended his funeral in spite of the weather . In particular , the minister noticed a tall young man that he didn 't know sitting quietly in a distant corner of the church . The minister spoke of Carl 's garden as a lesson in life . In a voice made thick with unshed tears , he said , " Do you best and make your garden as beautiful as you can . We will never forget Carl and his garden . " The following spring another flyer went up . It read : " Person needed to care for Carl 's garden . " The flyer went unnoticed by the busy parishioners until one day when a knock was heard at the minister 's office door . Opening the door , the minister saw a pair of scarred and tattooed hands holding the flyer . " I believe this is my job , if you 'll have me , " the young man said . The minister recognized him as the same young man who had returned the stolen watch and wallet to Carl . He knew that Carl 's kindness had turned this man 's life around . As the minister handed him the keys to the garden shed , he said , " Yes , go take care of Carl 's garden and honor him . " The man went to work and , over the next several years , he tended the flowers and vegetables just as Carl had done . In that time , he went to college , got married , and became a prominent member of the community . But he never forgot his promise to Carl 's memory and kept the garden as beautiful as he thought Carl would have kept it . One day he approached the new minister and told him that he couldn 't care for the garden any longer . He explained with a shy and happy smile , " My wife just had a baby boy last night , and she 's bringing him home on Saturday . " " Well , congratulations ! " said the minister , as he was handed the garden shed keys . " That 's wonderful ! What 's the baby 's name ? " " Carl , " he replied . Harvard Business School is no longer seeking essays from applicants , starting 2014 . Until now , HBS required applicants to submit two essays . Competitive students used to hire consultants to help them write these essays , to improve their chances getting admitted . Many universities still require an essay as part of their application package . The schoolmaster spoke angrily . He was in trouble because his scholars would not study . Whenever his back was turned , they were sure to begin whispering to one another . But still they would whisper , and he could not prevent it . The afternoon was half gone , and the trouble was growing . Then the master thought of a plan . " Children , " he said , " we are going to play a new game . The next one that whispers must come out and stand in the middle of the floor . He must stand there until he sees some one else whisper . Then he will tell me , and the one whom he names must come and take his place . He , in turn , will watch and report the first one that he sees whisper . And so we will keep the game going till it is time for school to be dismissed . The boy or girl who is standing at that time will be punished for all of you . " " What will the punishment be , Mr . Johnson ? " asked a bold , bad boy . " A good thrashing , " answered the master . He was tired , he was vexed , he hardly knew what he said . The children thought the new game was very funny . First , Tommy Jones whispered to Billy Brown and was at once called out to stand on the floor . Within less than two minutes , Billy saw Mary Green whispering , and she had to take his place . Mary looked around and saw Samuel Miller asking his neighbor for a pencil , and Samuel was called . And so the fun went on until the clock showed that it lacked only ten minutes till school would be dismissed . Then all became very good and very careful , for no one wished to be standing at the time of dismissal . They knew that the master would be as good as his word . The clock ticked loudly , and Tommy Jones , who was standing up for the fourth time , began to feel very uneasy . He stood on one leg and then on the other , and watched very closely ; but nobody whispered . Could it be possible that he would receive that thrashing ? Suddenly , to his great joy he saw little Lucy Martin lean over her desk and whisper to the girl in front of her . Now Lucy was the pet of the school . Everybody loved her , and this was the first time she had whispered that day . But Tommy didn 't care for that . He wished to escape the punishment , and so he called out , " Lucy Martin ! " and went proudly to his seat . Little Lucy had not meant to whisper . There was something which she wished very much to know before going home , and so , without thinking , she had leaned over and whispered just three little words . With tears in her eyes she went out and stood in the whisperer 's place . She was very much ashamed and hurt , for it was the first time that she had ever been in disgrace at school . The other girls felt sorry that she should suffer for so small a fault . The boys looked at her and wondered if the master would really be as good as his word . The clock kept on ticking . It lacked only one minute till the bell would strike the time for dismissal . What a shame that dear , gentle Lucy should be punished for all those unruly boys and girls ! Everybody saw him . Little Lucy Martin saw him through her tears , but said nothing . Everybody was astonished , for that boy was the best scholar in the school , and he had never been known to break a rule . " Elihu Burritt , take your place on the floor , " said the master sternly . The awkward boy stepped out quickly , and little Lucy Martin returned to her seat sobbing . At the same moment the bell struck and school was dismissed . All this happened many years ago in New Britain , Connecticut . Elihu Burritt was a poor boy who was determined to learn . He worked many years as a blacksmith and studied books whenever he had a spare moment . He learned many languages and became known all over the world as " The Learned Blacksmith . " Once upon a time there lived a woman who had no children . She dreamed of having a little girl , but time went by , and her dream never came true . She then went to visit a witch , who gave her a magic grain of barley . She planted it in a flower pot . And the very next day , the grain had turned into a lovely flower , rather like a tulip . The woman softly kissed its half shut petals . And as though by magic , the flower opened in full blossom . Inside sat a tiny girl , no bigger than a thumb . The woman called her Thumbelina . For a bed she had a walnut shell , violet petals for her mattress and a rose petal blanket . In the daytime , she played in a tulip petal boat , floating on a plate of water . Using two horse hairs as oars , Thumbelina . sailed around her little lake , singing and singing in a gentle sweet voice . Then one night , as she lay fast asleep in her walnut shell , a large frog hopped through a hole in the window pane . As she gazed down at Thumbelina . , she said to herself : " How pretty she is ! She 'd make the perfect bride for my own dear son ! " She picked up Thumbelina . , walnut shell and all , and hopped into the garden . Nobody saw her go . Back at the pond , her fat ugly son , who always did as mother told him , was pleased with her choice . But mother frog was afraid that her pretty prisoner might run away . So she carried Thumbelina out to a water lily leaf in the middle of the pond . " And we have plenty of time to prepare a new home for you and your bride . " Thumbelina . was left all alone . She felt so desperate . She knew she would never be able to escape the fate that awaited her with the two horrid fat frogs . All she could do was cry her eyes out . However , one or two minnows who had been enjoying the shade below the water lily leaf , had overheard the two frogs talking , and the little girl 's bitter sobs . They decided to do something about it . So they nibbled away at the lily stem till it broke and drifted away in the weak current . A dancing butterfly had an idea : " Throw me the end of your belt ! I 'll help you to move a little faster ! " Thumbelina . gratefully did so , and the leaf soon floated away from the frog pond . " Isn 't she pretty ? " he said to his friends . But they pointed out that she was far too different . So the beetle took her down the tree and set her free . It was summertime , and Thumbelina . wandered all by herself amongst the flowers and through the long grass . She had pollen for her meals and drank the dew . Then the rainy season came , bringing nasty weather . The poor child found it hard to find food and shelter . When winter set in , she suffered from the cold and felt terrible pangs of hunger . One day , as Thumbelina . roamed helplessly over the bare meadows , she met a large spider who promised to help her . He took her to a hollow tree and guarded the door with a stout web . Then he brought her some dried chestnuts and called his friends to come and admire her beauty . But just like the beetles , all the other spiders persuaded Thumbelina 's rescuer to let her go . Crying her heart out , and quite certain that nobody wanted her because she was ugly , Thumbelina . left the spider 's house . As she wandered , shivering with the cold , suddenly she came across a solid little cottage , made of twigs and dead leaves . Hopefully , she knocked on the door . It was opened by a field mouse . " What are you doing outside in this weather ? " he asked . " Come in and warm yourself . " Comfortable and cozy , the field mouse 's home was stocked with food . For her keep , Thumbelina . did the housework and told the mouse stories . One day , the field mouse said a friend was coming to visit them . " He 's a very rich mole , and has a lovely house . He wears a splendid black fur coat , but he 's dreadfully shortsighted . He needs company and he 'd like to marry you ! " Thumbelina . did not relish the idea . However , when the mole came , she sang sweetly to him and he fell head over heels in love . The mole invited Thumbelina . and the field mouse to visit him , but to their surprise and horror , they came upon a swallow in the tunnel . It looked dead . Mole nudged it with his foot , saying : " That 'll teach her ! She should have come underground instead of darting about the sky all summer ! " Thumbelina . was so shocked by such cruel words that later , she crept back unseen to the tunnel . " It 's kind of you to nurse me , " it told Thumbelina . But , in spring , the swallow flew away , after offering to take the little girl with it . All summer , Thumbelina . did her best to avoid marrying the mole . The little girl thought fearfully of how she 'd have to live underground forever . On the eve of her wedding , she asked to spend a day in the open air . As she gently fingered a flower , she heard a familiar song : " Winter 's on its way and I 'll be off to warmer lands . Come with me ! " Thumbelina quickly clung to her swallow friend , and the bird soared into the sky . They flew over plains and hills till they reached a country of flowers . The swallow gently laid Thumbelina . in a blossom . There she met a tiny , white - winged fairy : the King of the Flower Fairies . Instantly , he asked her to marry him . Thumbelina . eagerly said " yes " , and sprouting tiny white wings , she became the Flower Queen ! So Golden Hair took Blue Eyes ' hand , and they started up the mountain side . It was a warm day , and they were obliged to stop many times to rest under the great oak trees which grew on either side of the path . They made baskets of leaves and filled them with berries as a gift for the old woman . They chased the squirrels and watched the gay little fishes darting about in the brook . On and on they walked in the rocky path , until the sun went down and the birds forgot to sing and the squirrels went to bed . Before long the stars peeped out and the moon shone down on them , and they were a long way from home - but they kept on climbing and climbing . Call Center Kumar was trying to get a job in one of the call centers in India . The Personnel Manager said , " Kumar , you have passed all the tests , except one on your grasp of the English language . Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job . " A wild gleam came into the judge 's eyes . " You 're a schoolteacher , eh ? " he said . " Madam , I shall realize my lifelong ambition . I 've waited years to have a schoolteacher in my court . Now sit down at that table and write ' I will not drive through red lights ' 500 times ! " Little Anders had a fine new cap . His mother had made it for him with her shining knitting needles and balls of bright yarn . Most of the cap was red , but Mother had used up all her red yarn before the cap was done . So she knit part of it green and made the tassel blue . Anders was very proud of his new cap . He pulled it down over his ears and marched through the house . His brothers and sisters told him what a fine cap it was . A farm boy was passing by leading his horse . He noticed Anders ' beautiful cap of red and green and blue and made him a deep bow . How proud Anders felt ! Then he met a big boy he knew . The big boy wore high boots and he had a bright new jack - knife in his hand . The big boy stopped short to look at Anders ' beautiful cap of red and green and blue . He even went up to Anders and felt the blue tassel . Now Anders had never had a jack - knife and he wanted that bright new one very much . He thought he would be almost grown - up if he owned a jack - knife . But of course , he would not give up his beautiful cap of red and green and blue that Mother had made , for all the jack - knives in the world . So he shook his head and walked on . And off Anders started to the King 's palace . At the gate stood two fierce looking soldiers , with guns over their shoulders and shiny steel helmets on their heads . They stopped Anders and one of them asked , " Where are you going , little boy ? " So Anders walked beside the Princess , up the white marble steps and into the King 's palace . On every side there were ladies in beautiful dresses of silk , satin and velvet , and gentlemen in fine uniforms with gold braid and buttons . They all bowed deeply as Anders and the Princess passed by . Anders felt sure it was because of the beautiful cap of red and green and blue , that Mother had made . At last Anders and the Princess came to a big hall , where there was a long table set with snowy white linen . The plates and goblets on it were of shining gold . There were great dishes piled high with rich cakes . There were bowls of shaking jellies , pink and green , and baskets of fruit of many kinds . The Princess sat down in a chair of gold and told Anders to sit in the one beside her . And then she took hold of Anders ' beautiful cap of red and green and blue and tried to pull it off . But Anders was too quick for her and held on to his cap with both hands . How could he let his fine cap be taken away ! He might never get it back again . The Princess coaxed and coaxed . She filled Anders ' pockets with cakes . She took her fine gold chain and slipped it around his neck and she gave him a kiss on each cheek . Just then the doors at the end of the hall opened and in came the King himself . He wore a beautiful cloak of blue velvet trimmed with white fur . On his head rested a great golden crown . Beside him walked gentlemen in fine uniforms , carrying hats with long plumes . " Yes , " answered Anders proudly . " My mother knit this cap for me of her best yarn . Everybody seems to want my beautiful cap of red and green and blue . " " How would you like to change with me ? " asked the King still smiling . He put his two hands up to his head and took off his golden crown . Then he came close to Anders . He held the golden crown in one hand and with the other he reached out to take Anders ' beautiful cap of red and green and blue . Quick as a flash Anders slipped down from his chair and ran through the long hall . He dashed down the steps and out into the yard . The cakes tumbled out of his pockets , but Anders did not stop to pick them up . The clasp of the beautiful gold chain , which the Princess had given him , unfastened and fell off , but still Anders did not stop . His two hands clung to his cap . His beautiful cap of red and green and blue was safe on his head . Anders ran and ran until at last he was at home . He burst into the cottage all out of breath . When he had finished , his big brother spoke up , " If I had been there , I would have taken the King 's crown . You were silly not to take it , Anders . A King 's crown is worth a lot of money . You could have sold it and bought high boots and a velvet jacket and a velvet cap with a long plume , much better than your knitted - cap . " This blog may contain copyrighted material . Such material is made available for educational purposes , to advance understanding of human rights , democracy , scientific , moral , ethical , and social justice issues , etc . This constitutes a ' fair use ' of any such copyrighted material as provided for in Title 17 U . S . C . section 107 of the US Copyright Law . This material is distributed without profit . Images and text are copyrighted to their respective authors and publishers . The author does not have any financial benefit from posting them . In the event a problem or error with copyrighted material is brought to notice , the break of the copyright is unintentional and non - commercial and such material will be removed immediately by request . 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I have recently been questioning one of my deepest held beliefs . Not that I would ever doubt spirits existence , or that we are eternal souls , no , I have no problems with that . What I have been doubting is the almost universal belief that somehow , love conquers all . It seems to me that everywhere I look , either on Facebook or within spiritual internet sites , the over - riding message is that love is all you need , love will overcome anything , love is the key to happiness . I have been struggling with this the past few years . Yes , I believe that if we all based our decisions on love , our actions on love and our thoughts on love , the world would be a better place , but unfortunately not everyone does ! Maybe it is true in the universal sense , and maybe it is also true in a soul sense , when you take many lives and average it all out , but I 'm talking about this one particular physical life we are living right now . In my experience , and that of some of my closest friends , no matter how much you love someone , they can still use you , betray you and abuse you . Recently a very dear friend of mine had been blatantly used and deeply hurt by someone she considered a life - long friend , a woman she had always tried to help and support in any way she could . She can find no rhyme or reason for her friend 's behaviour and is extremely upset . I feel powerless as all I can do is listen but I can 't take away her pain . Finally , after many weeks of emotional hurt she came to the decision to end their friendship . Whilst that may well help her to avoid any further mistreatment by her friend , she is left still reeling from recent events . I wonder what lessons are being taught when someone who so obviously cares about another is mistreated by them . My own personal experiences have been difficult to contend with at times . I used to firmly believe that if you showed someone love and compassion that they would treat you well , but often through my life I have found the absolute opposite to be true . I have puzzled over this many times and had thought that it must be a certain kind of lesson that needed learning . I have even tried to feel grateful for the role that someone must have agreed to play to assist me in walking my spiritual path . Logically it makes sense to me that kindness should help people to overcome their difficulties . This is something I have pondered for such a long time and have asked my spiritual guides for some guidance on this but so far have not received any answers . It has happened in my life so many times that I can see a pattern of events . What I am hoping is that one day I will have a ' light - bulb ' moment and suddenly the reason behind this will fall into place . My husband , Simon , tells me that he thinks I am too gentle , too soft and too forgiving . I have so often wished I could toughen up as I think my life may be so much easier , but the problem with that is that I wouldn 't be me anymore . My brother always used to laugh at my tolerance and lack of temper . Considering the parents I had , who honestly could have won the olympics if there had been an arguing event , you 'd have thought I would have a quick temper , but this isn 't true at all . I still remember my Mum 's look of amazement when she saw me lose my temper for the very first time when I was fourteen . We had been to visit Dad in hospital where he had just undergone life saving surgery and he was on full life support , so to say we were concerned and stressed was an understatement . Mum was driving our large estate car , and I have to say she wasn 't the most confident of drivers at the best of times , but with the worry of Dad obviously on her mind , she had become distracted and taken a wrong turn . We ended up in a very narrow dead - end street with cars parked each side . At the very end there was little space to turn around . It was only just after 9pm , so not what you would call very late . Mum had to try to turn the car around which meant going backwards and forwards many many times . She was , I admit , revving the engine a little whilst trying to navigate safely and gently between the cars , but the noise wasn 't that bad . Well this chap came out of his house and started really shouting abuse at Mum . Without a thought I jumped out of the car and walked right up to him and gave him such a ticking off . I was livid that he had upset my Mum and certainly let him know it . I told him where we 'd been and what was happening to my Dad . Much to my surprise the man became very apologetic and offered to help Mum with the reversing . What a turn - around ! I have always found it easier to fight other people 's battles rather than my own . My brother used to say that I was like the worm that turned , and by that he meant you could push me so far and then that was that . How right he was . I have to admit that I can take an awful lot but finally there is the straw that breaks the camels back , and funnily enough it is often a very little straw ! I have had to break ties with people I have truly loved because they have behaved so badly towards me , and it comes to a point when you realise that all the love in the world cannot change their behaviour , and so very sadly and reluctantly , there really is no choice but to walk away . Sometimes the hurt of staying in a relationship becomes so deep that your physical body cannot cope with the pain , and sometimes , and possibly even more importantly , you have to learn to value and respect yourself , which I have found the toughest lesson to learn . I saw this too with my own Mum . She tried so very hard to have a good relationship with her Step - Mother and did everything she could to try to make it work . When we were a young family we would all travel up to London to see my Nan . We would make this journey at least once a month . Mum and Dad would have to save hard to pay for the petrol and would always be praying that the car wouldn 't break down because it was pretty old and extremely unreliable . At the time there were no such things as baby seats in cars and Mum would have to spend two hours sitting in the back of the car with my twin , Tina , and I in her arms . She laughed when she told us by the time they got there her arms couldn 't move ! As Tina and I became older we both suffered from dreadful car sickness . How Mum and Dad coped with this I just don 't know , it must have been a nightmare for them . I know that Mum would always keep a couple of spare outfits for us and on many occasions as soon as we arrived at Nan 's house we would have to nip upstairs and change into fresh clothes . Thankfully our older brother Ray was not car sick , that would have been unbearable ! When Tina and I were eleven we went to stay with Nan for the week before we started at senior school . Mum and Dad took us up there and we spent a wonderful time with her . We went to see shows in London and enjoyed meeting all of her friends and generally having fun . When the week was up Mum and Dad came and collected us and strangely the mood in the car on the way home was decidedly frosty . Sadly for us , that was the last time we ever saw our Nan . A week or so after our holiday Mum made the decision to break all ties with her . I was devastated . I had adored Nan and couldn 't understand how Mum could be so cruel . As a young child , what I hadn 't known was that my Nan could actually drive and had a very nice car . She would tell Mum of all the trips she took to see her various relatives all over the country and yet she had only ever made the journey to visit us once in the eighteen years since Mum had married . Nan was very comfortably off and would help all her relatives , and yet she never once offered any help to Mum at all . Mum told me years later that she had spent so much time broken - hearted at the way Nan treated her that finally she couldn 't take the hurt anymore . I know now it was not an easy decision for Mum to make and I know that she remained extremely upset about it for the rest of her life . She had lost her Dad when she was in her early twenties , and having been told that her natural Mother had abandoned her as a baby , she had desperately wanted to have a loving relationship with Nan . It took me a very long time to realise that what I and others had perceived as weakness , was in fact an enormous act of strength on my Mum 's part . I can 't imagine the courage she must have mustered to be able to walk away under those circumstances , but she did , and I am sure that in the following years she certainly didn 't miss the heartache that she had endured for so much of her life . One day , when I am once again in spirit and I have my life review , I feel certain that all will become clear …… but in the meantime I must admit I really find this all so very hard to understand . How many times in your life have you felt utterly alone ? Felt there was no - one who was there was for you ? Felt that no - one could understand what you were going through ? Sometimes the very fact that you put a brave face on it , no matter the tough times you are going through , can actually back - fire because everyone thinks that everything in your life is fine . Or , maybe people think that you are one of those lucky few who can cope admirably with anything that is thrown at them . Could it be that maybe your pride is getting in the way of being honest and you prefer people to think that you are ' strong ' ? After I left Devon and moved to Hampshire with my twin sister , Tina , and her family , I was in a very odd ' friend free ' zone for the first time in my life . After 26 years I had finally plucked up the courage to end my marriage and within a matter of weeks many of my friends were doing exactly the same ! It was as if a cosmic switch had come on somewhere and we all decided that enough was enough . My friends are scattered throughout England , and very strangely , all were going through their own very similar difficult and often traumatic times . After they had separated from their husbands they had all stayed in the same towns , so at least they had their local friends around them for support , but due to my ex 's threatening behaviour I decided it was better ( and I felt safer ) moving far away . Friends that I had been in regular contact with for years were busy dealing with their own problems and I felt that I couldn 't bother them with my own worries at that time . Tina and her husband , Woody , had adopted six learning disabled children , whose ages ranged from two to fifteen , so they too were pretty busy , sorting out the often complicated special educational and medical needs that the children required in a new area . It was extremely rare for me to get more than a minute or so alone with Tina for a chat , there was always someone who needed her . Tina and Woody had rented a very large old house so that the children could each have their own bedrooms and fortuitously it had a two bedroom annexe that was perfect for me . Although it was not as grand as the main house , it too had large rooms , all decorated in a very gaudy colours by the previous tenant . The carpets alone were enough to give you a headache . The main lounge was fluorescent yellow , the second bedroom , vibrant lime green and my bedroom was bubble gum pink ! Although I had not one jot of regret for the decision I had made , and knew I was fortunate to have a roof over my head , I suddenly found myself in an alien environment . My ex - home was hundreds of miles away , I had none of my treasured possessions around me , none of the comforts of my previous life . I didn 't have one stick of furniture so went to the local D . I . Y . store and bought the last two fold up garden chairs they had as it was the end of the summer season . They were vibrant yellow and green so almost ' matched ' the carpet in the lounge and as a bonus they came with cushions , which looked far more comfortable than they really were as I soon found out when I sat on one when I got home . I had never sat on such lumpy cushions . I also bought a table lamp and a small table , so that I could have somewhere to put my coffee , and a small radio so that I could at least have some music to keep me company . I had virtually no money , no income and most of my clothes were still at my old house , so not much at all . My sister had loaned me a single bed and bedding which looked lost in the massive bedroom . I remember one evening sitting on one of my lumpy cushioned chairs looking out over the garden which was a tangled mess of laurels and holly trees at the time . I remember feeling so terribly lost . I knew that all the legalities involved in both the divorce and the selling and splitting of assets from my marriage were obviously not going to happen overnight . I felt I was in limbo and as if I didn 't belong anywhere , like I had no roots . I don 't think I 'd realised how much I had relied on the roots of my life , the roots that come with familiarity of where you live , the friends you see , who you are with , what you are doing everyday . The realisation of my uncertain future really hit me that night . I concluded that I could look at my life in two opposing ways . I could think how dreadful it was , sitting alone in this cold quiet emptiness that was devoid of anything that meant anything at all to me , or try to look at my new circumstances as a blank canvas , ready for the new adventures of my life to be captured in bright cheerful warm colours . I shook myself out of my melancholy moment and put on the radio . Of all the songs that could have been playing I heard James Taylor singing one of my favourites . I had no doubt that spirit had played a part in my putting the radio on at that exact time , the choice of the music , and the station I was tuned to . I felt my heart fill with love and comfort as I knew I had received a spiritual hug . Whenever I feel alone now , when I start to miss those that I loved so dearly , I think of that magic moment and the enormous effort that I am sure my family and friends spirit - side put into getting that message to me so clearly . I know that all I have to do is close my eyes , think of them , and they will be here , right beside me . This is something I often thought about , having known several people who had obviously loved their husbands or wives , but had then successfully managed to find love with someone else . Maybe they enjoyed such a wonderful relationship with their first partner that they hope to experience the same again . There are of course also those who sadly never love anyone again . This could be for many reasons . Maybe they feel that they would be unable to risk losing someone they love all over again , and aren 't prepared to put themselves in the position of going through that pain once more . Or , do they feel that their love was so strong it is irreplaceable ? Or might it be that they feel they would be being unfaithful to their past love ? This final thought is most probably the question I have been asked the most . Would their partner in spirit feel they were being betrayed if they went on to love another ? When I was up in Scotland quite a few years ago , I was communicating with the husband , in spirit , of a woman who was distraught because she missed him so much . She felt that it was wrong that she could ever be happy again without him . She was concerned that he would feel that she hadn 't really loved him if she ever found love again . I could feel the warmth of her husband coming through as he spoke to me . He loved his wife very much and it pained him considerably to see her so lonely and unhappy . He wanted her to be able to feel love once more . I tried to convey this to her , but I really wasn 't sure that she believed me . When I was back home , as I was washing up after dinner , I heard his distinctive Scottish accent . He asked me to send a poem he had written to his wife . I was most surprised as I had never had such a request before . This is exactly as he said : That very evening I was out with my husband and happened to be in close proximity to a couple of women who were talking . I couldn 't help but overhear that one of them had recently been widowed , she spoke about going to see a stage medium but not receiving a message , and it was obvious she was very unhappy . I knew her husband 's spirit was with her right there at that very moment . Without even thinking about it I found myself explaining to her that I was a medium and telling her that her husband was beside her . I could sense that he wanted me to give her a copy of the poem as it exactly conveyed his sentiments . I asked for her phone number and I said I would call her . I was , funnily enough , washing up the next evening and saw a vision of a man driving a lorry . I knew instinctively it was the lady 's husband . He was urging me to phone her . Try as I might I couldn 't glean any more information from him and I was sure that he hadn 't communicated with a medium before . As I went to ring her I faintly heard the name Natalie . I rang the lady and asked if her husband had been a lorry driver and she confirmed that he had . I asked if she had an email address so that I could email the poem to her . She said she didn 't , but she passed me to her daughter in law who gave me her email address , Natalie ………@ yahoo . co . uk ! To me her name was further confirmation of just how important it was that I send the words . I do hope that they helped her come to terms with the possibility of moving forward in her life and allowing herself to find love and happiness once again . Isn 't it just amazing how spirit work ? How wonderful that I was inspired to read that poem that particular morning and then that I met that lady that same night ? It is often said that spiritual communications are based on pure love and the more I have experienced , the more I know that love continues and is everlasting . I have the feeling that when it came to choosing my parents I was like an excited child in a sweet shop . There were just so many choices , and metaphorically speaking , I filled my pink striped sweetie bag with the many personality traits and ensuing emotions that I wanted to experience during my upbringing . A real mixture of sweet and sour , soft and crunchy , chewy and creamy , fruity and nutty ! I am sure my guides must have been exasperated trying to find parents that would fulfill my criteria . I think on the whole they did fairly well ! My Mum , Sheila , was four years younger than Dad and although she lived less than three miles from him , in Golders Green , their upbringings were poles apart . There were many romanticized rumours of Irish blood , a Hungarian Jewess and even a Marquis somewhere in her ancestry . Mum was raised in a liberated , educated , middle - class environment , as an only child , by her Father Ray , and an eclectic collection of aunts . She was told her Mother , whom her Father had not married , had abandoned her when she was a baby . Mum would like to invite many friends round , put on loud music and dance around the sitting room singing and laughing . Dad would prefer to sit quietly , reading a book or listening to classical music . Mum was liberal and carefree as a parent , Dad was strict and ensured that his long list of rules were adhered to . Their marriage was a match made in hell in so many ways . Why they ever married I never really understood . Was it my fault ? Was it my ' parent order ' , made many years before in the universal sweet shop , that made them meet and marry ? Or , had there souls asked , maybe even jointly , to experience a fifty year marriage to a partner with absolutely nothing in common ? I hope to find out one day . My parents were , separately , great people , but together , my goodness , sparks flying is the understatement of the year ! Mum 's temper was instant and would flare within moments , my Dad would simmer and then explode like a violent volcano . What a combination ! Did I really ask to experience these traits ? I must have done , but with hindsight I feel just one parent with a temper would have been enough . As we became older , their rows became more physical . More and more of their possessions were smashed , damaged and broken as they hurled them at each other . Luckily neither of them were good shots and they very rarely managed to hit their targets ! I can 't even begin to count how many times one or the other left . Normally in the middle of a heated row a few items would be hurriedly stuffed into a few carrier bags and we children would be wondering who was leaving this time . If our Mother left we would normally leave with her , and in a strange way it was always an adventure full of excitement and wonderment . We wouldn 't know where we were going or who we 'd be staying with . In fact it was through many of these surprise breaks from home that we got to know some of our more interesting far - flung relatives , who I am sure we would have never met under normal circumstances . Then , sometimes within a few days , or at most a couple of months , there would be an emotional reunion , all would be forgiven ( but I am sure not forgotten ) , the family would be back together again and the house would be full of love and laughter again . As I said , separately , they were marvellous parents . I learnt so many different facets of life from each of them . Dad had a wonderful way of bringing nature to life . We would spend many hours in the garden together where he would teach me the magic of growing the most beautiful plants . We discussed the wonderment of mother earth and the natural beauty of the planet . He taught me that divine power was within everyone and everything . Dad had been aware of spirit since he was five when his twin sister , Mary , had been killed in a road accident . He had seen her throughout his childhood and still spoke to her as I was growing up . He also used to spend time talking to my late Grandfather , who had died before I was even born . Mum was always extremely well - groomed , with her perfectly applied make up , and looking more like a model than a Mum , she was surprisingly cuddly and very caring . She adored playing with us and had an enormous amount of patience helping us with our schoolwork . She always said that her favourite time in her whole life was when we were all young . I think having missed out on a Mother 's love in her own childhood she never wanted us to feel the loss and pain she had felt . She was a very good medium herself although she only used her gifts to help those who were close to her . Interested in all things spiritual , Mum often took herself off to what I thought at the time were mysterious meetings . She would come home and tell me all about it , but I was too afraid to pay much attention , but I do remember that her guide was a gypsy girl called Topsy . That terrified me , thinking that Topsy would appear at any moment as I was sure that she would be hiding in the house somewhere and would be watching me . Mum instilled rules for life in me that I still try to live by . Her overwhelming wish was that everyone would treat each other as they would like to be treated . She would do anything for anyone and over the years I saw her befriend and help many people . It was just a shame that she and my Father didn 't adhere to the same philosophy when it came to their own relationship ! Every house we lived in was full of spirits . All of us were aware of them . I often saw faces on walls , people at windows and shadows moving across the landing . As I grew older more and more things would be happening to all of us , no matter which house we lived in . My most worrying times were when the towels would be moved from the towel rail in the bathroom . You could just be sitting on the loo and watch them , one by one , fall onto the floor . I used to be too afraid to move and would yell for Mum to come and rescue me . She 'd always walk in and just say " God Bless You , now please leave " and tell me everything would be fine , but it was never fine for very long . I asked for a mixed bag of sweets , and that 's certainly what I received . I can 't imagine now having any other parents who would have given me such a broad spectrum of emotions and experiences throughout my childhood . Yes , I would have preferred them not have spent so much arguing , but then I am sure that within their difficult relationship were lessons for all of us within the family . I do think that we tend to concentrate on the lessons we are taught by our parents , but what we must not forget is that they too are developing spirits , and would have chosen souls with our attributes to be their children . What a massive testament to the incredible organisational skills of spirit to bring together the right people , in the right place and at the right time . I can only imagine that from the millions of souls they look for a ' best fit ' . What a headache it must be ! Several years ago I had been through the most difficult year of my life . My Mum , my brother and my Dad were all taken to spirit within weeks of each other and I felt my heart was breaking . At the same time , as well as dealing with my own personal losses , there was so much negativity everywhere . Every time I put the television or radio on there was more depressing news . I have never understood how people could be so cruel to one another , or use their own greed to take from the needy . There seemed to be an avalanche of distressing events on a global scale . I sat in the quiet and asked my guides how this could happen . How could so many people be in such distress ? Why were children dying of starvation ? Why were so many countries at war ? I was questioning my faith in God or the Higher Powers . I felt so sad in my heart and was desperate for answers . I wanted someone to shout that it was all a mistake , that everything would be put right . Whenever I find myself questioning the unfairness of situations that the innocent find themselves in , the terrible traumatic events that so many have to go through , the heartbreak and tragic losses people experience , I read this and try to understand . It is not easy . It takes a lot for me to look at the bigger picture and try to accept that our souls have to move forward through these dreadful lessons of life . I hope that one day we will find an easier way . So , where was I ? Oh yes , me and animals . Ever since I can remember I have been surrounded by various pets . My parents had an Alsatian when I was very young , Bruce , who I gather adored my twin sister and I because we would sit in our high chairs and call him ' Fru ' ( we couldn 't pronounce Bruce ) and feed him anything that we didn 't like . As an animal loving family we went on to have a collection of cats , dogs , rabbits , hamsters , guinea pigs , gerbils , tortoises , goldfish , tame hedgehogs and even a salamander . When I first married at 22 I was feeling quite lost with no pets around me . My twin had decided that she wanted a kitten and I knew she was going to look at a litter . What I didn 't know was that she couldn 't bear to leave without the last kitten and arrived on my doorstep with a little black bundle of fluff with the biggest green eyes I 'd ever seen . Babs had arrived . Her mother was Burmese , and her father was a moggie , but Babs didn 't like to even think about that , she looked and behaved like a full Burmese , which meant she felt she was far superior to any of the other cats in the neighbourhood . She was never what you would call a cuddly kitten . She would sit on your lap for a couple of minutes and then be off climbing . I say climbing because that was one of her favourite past - times . She would climb up the walls hanging onto the wallpaper , climb up the curtains and sit at the very top and then fly across the room and land on a top shelf , then spring off again and she 'd be balancing on the top of the open door . I had never known a cat like it . We lived in a bed sit , so our bedroom was in our sitting room , or if you like , our lounge included a bed , whichever way you want to look at it - it was a small space and we had to share it with Babs . In the middle of the night she sidled under the covers and took great delight in sharpening her claws on our unsuspecting feet or legs . She was the wildest of cats . She grew ever more wild as the months went on , to the point where she would sit in wait on our garden wall for the neighbour to come out into her garden and then leap off the wall and attack her . For no apparent reason she would have violent outbursts attacking everyone and everything in sight . I was at my wit 's end . I was covered in scratches and bites , everything in the flat was scratched and chewed . She even hissed at me when I arrived home from work and would walk sideways growling , which is pretty scary ! I managed to get her into a wicker basket , and with her hissing and growling all the time we were on the bus , I took her to the vets to ask his advise . I had always thought that if you treated an animal with love and affection they would respond lovingly , but Babs had taught me that she didn 't share that belief . The vet tried to examine her . I had warned him that she could be quite vicious but he assured me , in a very condescending manner , that with his vast experience he knew how to cope with any cat . By the time he had managed to get Babs back in the basket he had been bitten and scratched many times . Babs had won . He shook his head in disbelief and without any tact whatsoever , told me , that in his opinion there was nothing to be done except to have her put to sleep . I looked into her beautiful green eyes and knew I just couldn 't agree to that and implored the vet to give me any other possible solutions . He wearily muttered something about how some cats can calm down a little after they have had a litter of kittens . Well that was obviously the answer , I thought , delighted that I had the ultimate excuse to have kittens around me for at least 8 weeks ! Babs duly complied and in a short space of time it was very obvious that she was pregnant . She had always been very slim and now she had a very large tummy which we could actually see moving as her kittens were stretching and vying for position inside her . Her tempestuous nature though hadn 't changed one jot , except as her pregnancy went on she did give up the climbing and leaping . I was beginning to wonder if I had made the right decision . Eventually , after what seemed an eternity , Babs went into labour . I had been to the library and read all about kitten births and had everything at the ready , although everyone told me that she would be very independent and would most probably prefer me to just leave her alone . I had made a kittening area in the corner of the bed sit , and was chuffed when Babs decided it was the perfect place to give birth . I put on gentle music and soft lighting so that it could be a relaxing environment for her . I went over and stroked her and spoke gently to her , telling her everything would be fine . The contractions became stronger and I thought I should now leave her to it . As I walked away she got up and followed me , so I went back to the corner and sat with her again , comforting her . I could see that a kitten was due any second and really thought it was time for me to leave her , again , as I got up to leave she got up to be with me . OK , I said , and I laid down beside her , and stroked her all the way through her first kitten being born . Instinctively she knew exactly what she should do and within a short time the tiny little kitten was hooked on to one of Babs teats . About ten minutes went by and contractions started again and another kitten was born . I stayed with Babs the whole time , speaking softly to her , assuring her as best I could . After just over an hour had passed she had given birth to six beautiful kittens . I cleared up the area and gave her new soft towels to lay on . What I had realised was how gentle she had been with me through the birthing and hoped it would continue . From that day onwards our relationship changed dramatically . She became the most wonderful cat I could wish for . I became quite ill and had to undergo several operations , and she would sit beside me all day until the family came home . As I managed to walk a little further each day she would walk beside me . Neighbours would comment that whatever time I came home from work , which could vary greatly day - to - day , Babs would wander up to the gate about five minutes before and be waiting for me . She talked incessantly and would be telling me all about her day as we walked together along the path to the front door . It sounds mad I know , but she would really be trying to talk to me , I could feel it . Although she was great with me she still was not good at the vets , so much so that the vet would only examine her or give her annual vaccinations if she had been tranquilized . We did this for many years and for some reason I always felt like I was letting her down . On one particular occasion she was due to have her pre - vet medication and as I was about to crush the tablets into her food I was sure I heard her thoughts . She told me that she hated the feeling of being tranquilized and promised she would be very good at the vets . I held her face in my hands and looked deep into her eyes , " ok " I said , " I 'll trust you , but you have to be on your best behaviour . " If anyone had heard me they would have thought I 'd gone mad . The vets face was a picture of concern as the realisation dawned on him that Babs was not sedated in the slightest . I took her out of her basket and put her on his examining table . I told him that she said she would be good as gold . He gave me a ' that woman is crazy ' kind of look but was surprised how well behaved she was . She was looking straight at me as he put the needle in the back of her neck . I heard her say , by what I can only think was some kind of thought transference , see I told you I 'd be good ! I was working but always had Mondays off work to do the washing / ironing , shopping etc . This particular Monday had started off quite normally . My husband went to work just after 8am and I took my daughter to school just before 9am . I popped into the shops on the way home . I remember it was a lovely sunny late summers day . We had moved into a brand new house in the January and hadn 't met many of the neighbours at all . It seemed to me that every morning there was a mass exodus as everyone went to work , and the only time many people were around was on the weekend . As I opened the front door a feeling of utter doom came over me . I started crying and as I walked into the kitchen I looked at Babs bowls and I remember hearing her say ' come and get me ' . I knew she was dead . I was howling . I phoned my Dad and sobbed down the phone to him that Babs was dead . He asked what had happened and I told him I didn 't know . I said I didn 't know where she was but that I knew she was dead . My Dad tried to calm me down and told me that she was most probably fine . He asked if I had called her and I said no , I knew there was no point . I told Dad that I would go and find her and would phone him back . I phoned my husband and told him too and I am sure he thought I had gone mad . He too told me to go looking for her and he thought she might have been locked in a garage or shed somewhere . It was so difficult to explain to them that I knew absolutely that she was dead . There was no point in looking for her in the garage . I picked up a shopping basket and walked aimlessly down the road , looking at all the empty drives by the houses . Eventually I saw a house with a car on the drive and knocked on the door , as it happened I had met the woman who answered and she could see I was very distressed . I asked her if she would come with me and look for my cat . She kindly agreed and I instinctively knew where to go . We walked along the road , quite a way , we turned left , past more houses and finally I walked up a bank onto a single railway track . Babs was lying on the track . She had been hit by a train . I couldn 't bear to pick her up and had to ask the site manager if he could go and get her for me . I phoned my Dad and told him straight away . He asked me how I had known and I tried to explain . Dad was always aware of spirits through his life and he said he thought it was because Babs and I had such a strong bond . I phoned my husband and he was just stunned . He came home from work straight away . I felt desolate . When my friend rang he sounded quite excited and went on to tell me how his mediumship has been moving forward at breakneck speed since the beginning of the year . He has been going to three circles a week . He goes to a spiritual class on a Monday , attends a trance circle on a Wednesday and has been working at a physical circle on a Friday ! Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Life hasn 't been all dreary , humdrum days and nights in my personal life lately . It seldom is . But then , I try to look for things to amuse me . You 'll probably think that I 'm easily amused when you read the following . I know that many of us are addicted to our smart phones . I know that I spend too much time staring at the screen as I scroll through the twitter feeds that I follow , or check out the Instagram postings , or read my email , or even play solitaire . So far , however , I have not started texting or taking calls as I drive or walk around town . A few days ago I was driving home from the library and saw a young man in a wheelchair who was crossing a reasonably busy intersection . He was slightly more than half way across when he stopped and answered his phone . He sat there talking rather than first reaching the safety of the sidewalk . I hope that it was a very important call . I had an exciting afternoon late last week . I happened to look out of a second floor window that overlooks our pool . It appeared that the pump wasn 't causing the water to circulate . That was odd . Now I hadn 't looked at the pool for a couple of days so I decided that I needed to investigate what the problem might be . Once I arrived at the pool the problem was immediately apparent . Something was blocking the entrance to the skimmer . A closer inspection revealed that the blockage was a drowned squirrel . Oh my . Over the years I have had to remove a few dead birds from the skimmer basket , but this squirrel was too big to even get into the basket . I was going to have to reach into the pool and lift it out . That was not something I wanted to do . But it was my duty . I could have used the net we use to fish out leaves and twigs , but I knew that if I did so I would not be able to resist the temptation to then fling the squirrel over the fence into out neighbor 's back yard . I like them too much to do that . So I went inside and fetched two plastic bags that I had planned on recycling . I put my right , dominant , hand in one bag and used it to reach into the pool to firmly grasp the waterlogged tail and deposit the squirrel in the other bag . Both bags went into the trash bin . Finally , yesterday a dead man called my phone . I was too late getting to the phone before it went to voicemail . It must not have been an important call , because there was no message . I didn 't recognize the caller 's number , so how do I know it was a dead man ? The Internet told me so . I Googled the phone number and it told me that the number belonged to a man who lived in an adjoining county . Not recognizing the name , I performed a further Google and came across an obituary for the man which dated back to 2003 . Perhaps he had a son with the same name ? He did ! But it appears that the son died in 2010 . So , one way or the other , I was called by a dead man who was too busy to leave me a voicemail message . I wonder if perhaps he realized that he had reached the wrong number . Early this week Cindy took her car in for an oil change . She took it to the dealership from which she is leasing the car . It is a Bob Rohrman dealership , and I don 't think he will mind seeing his name in this blog since he is all over television in Central Indiana and the Chicago TV markets . Of course they check for other things when you take the car in , and among their findings they told her that the transmission is leaking fluid and one of her tires has a nail in it and that the tire cannot be repaired . Of course , they would be happy to sell her a new tire for $ 370 . She did not have that extra work done , but rather came home to talk to me about it . I 'm glad that she did because I was skeptical of what they told her . For one thing , there is no sign that the transmission is leaking fluid . That is , there are no telltale drops of fluid on the ground under her car . She will be taking it to a mechanic whom she trusts to get a second opinion . I decide to take her car to the nearest Tire Barn outlet and have them look at the tire . I was sure that if the tire was unrepairable I could get a better deal on the tire than $ 370 . I was right . Tire Barn repaired the tire for the grand sum of $ 17 . 86 . I have to believe that the Rohrman repair people could have repaired the tire but chose to put one over on the " silly woman , " or they were incompetent . Neither speaks well of their business . Wednesday was a bad day electronically at our house . First the cooling fan in my laptop died . Then our printer died . And my smart phone started popping up a message the The Process System wasn 't Responding . I needed to solve the printer problem first because Cindy had to printing to do for her business that afternoon , so I went out and bought a new printer . The laptop was my next priority , so the following morning I took it to Best Buy , where I had purchased it a couple of years earlier . A member of their Geek Squad looked it over and declared that it could be repaired but it would cost at least $ 200 , and it was likely that more problems would be found . It was recommended that I scrap the laptop and buy a new one . I demurred for the moment . I took this picture from our deck around 7 : 30 this morning . It was quiet and peaceful , just me and the birds and a stalking cat . I scared the cat away . May it never return . Yesterday evening , sometime between 5 : 30 and 6 a friend , part of Cindy 's expanded family , called Cindy to say that she thought she had broken her arm . She had gone to her daughter 's volleyball practice and since she had been a star volleyball player in high school , she was helping her daughter warm up . Well , she was not as agile and her footwork wasn 't quite as good as when she had been in high school . To make a longish story shorter , she fell backwards and injured her arm . She called Cindy to ask her to come and pick her up to take her to Urgent Care . Cindy was , at the time , cooking dinner for guests and asked me to pick our friend up . So I did . I drove to the high school where I found our friend in her car in the parking lot . She asked me to drive her car since she had her toddler son in his car seat . I agreed and we set out to Urgent Care . When we got there we unloaded the toddler , assembled his stroller , put him in it and went inside . She was told that it would be at least 1 1 / 2 hours before she could see a doctor ( let 's take the urgent out of Urgent Care ) and they did not have the facilities to cast her arm if that was needed . So we went back to the parking lot where we put the toddler back in his car seat , disassembled the stroller , and loaded it into the car . We set off for the emergency room of one of our local hospitals . But first we stopped at our house and left the toddler with Cindy and our dinner guests . When we arrived at the emergency room I noticed that they had a large sign on the wall that said " Emergency Room Welcome Center . " I think the Welcome Center part was supposed to take some of the sting out of the Emergency part . There didn 't appear to be many people waiting , so we were encouraged to think that the wait would not be too long . Sitting beside us was a woman in a wheelchair accompanied by her husband and three adult daughters . Before long another four members of her family arrived . Our little part of the waiting area was getting crowded . Did I say our wait wouldn 't be long ? We sat there , chatting , for about an hour before our friend was taken into an examining room . I decide to stay in the waiting room . No sooner had our friend disappeared behind a door than one of the daughters marched to the desk and asked why our friend had been taken before her mother . The woman at the desk explained that while the mother may have checked in first , they took patients in order of severity of the injury . The daughter scowled and went back to her chair . One of her sisters asked what the counter person had said . The first sister said that she didn 't know . What ? About another hour passed and the woman in the wheelchair was still sitting and waiting . At that point another of the sisters marched to the desk and asked why her mother hadn 't been seen by a doctor yet , after all they had been waiting for two hours . The counter attendant looked at her computer screen and said , " No , you have been here one hour and forty - five minutes and we see people based on the severity of their … " never making eye contact with the daughter . The daughter said , " HOW CAN YOU … " And at that point her father said , " Come over here and sit down ! " never looking up from his smart phone . She grumbled but meekly returned to her chair . Then she started talking to her sisters , loud enough for all of the people in the waiting area to hear , " How can they tell if one injury is worse than another ? " One of her sisters who was dressed in pink opined that her sister was just upset due to pregnancy hormones . Then the pink sister started talking about her upcoming wedding . I tried to tune her out . It was difficult since she was standing directly in front of me . By the way , I had offered her my seat , but she had turned down my offer . At one point I heard her telling her family that she got nervous when she thought about sex and started twirling her hair . At that point I looked at her and thought she looked as if she had been around the block at least a few times , but that 's just between you and me . Finally they called the mother 's name and told her she could take two people back with her . Pink sister took control of the wheelchair but her father stood up , put away his smart phone , and told pink sister to sit down . He was taking his wife back by himself . And he did . At that point , five of the seven remaining family members left to eat dinner . I waited around another half hour and finally approached the counter attendant and said that my friend had gone back around an hour ago and … At that point the attendant looked at her computer screen and said , " No , it has only been forty - five minutes … " I broke in said that I just wanted an update on her condition . The woman never regained eye contact with me but said that I could go back and see my friend . So I did . I got there in time to see her wheeled away for X - rays . When she returned she had a cloth on her forehead because she had passed out from pain when they were moving her arm around for the X - rays . We were sure that there was at least one break . After a while a nurse came in and confirmed our speculation . It was a broken radius near her elbow . They gave her some pain meds , waited a bit and then started splinting her arm . After that they put her arm in a sling and sent us on our way . That was around 10 : 15 p . m . I have to say that for an Emergency Room , nobody who worked there seemed to treat anything as an emergency . There was no hustle , no bustle , no sense of urgency . Maybe they need to rename that part of the hospital . I chose A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L ' Engle as my book to read from the 1960 's . Like some of the other books that I 've read this year , it was aimed at the youth market . I didn 't know that when I bought it , but it became obvious early in my reading . I don 't have a problem with that since I had never read it before . Some day I 'm going to figure out how I missed reading all of these good books for so many years . As I was reading this book I kept being reminded of the fictional books by C . S . Lewis . L ' Engle wrote two or three subsequent books in this series , and I plan on reading them someday . Unfortunately , or fortunately , I have a bookcase full of books to be read , so it may take me some time to get back to this series . I am glad that I picked this one up . Next I finished reading a book of short stories by Jhumpa Lahiri titled Interpreter of Dreams . As I was reading I kept asking myself two questions . 1 ) Why don 't I read more short stories ; and 2 ) why hadn 't I heard of Lahiri before ? I love this book . Each of the stories deals with people of Indian heritage , and most of them have migrated to the U . S . But that is just what is on the surface . These stories are pictures of the lives of ordinary people who are reacting to the world and the people around them . No one is extraordinary , and yet I was so taken with each character that I was drawn into their world . The cultural differences between me and the characters didn 't really matter . I could understand why they reacted the way the did . I shall be buying more books by Jhumpa Lahiri . Perhaps the next one will be a novel , but I do need to read more short stories . The autobiography that I chose for this year was My Song by Harry Belafonte and Michael Shnayerson . It is the lucky thirteenth book of the challenge . I have been a fan of Mr . Belafonte since I first heard his music in fourth grade . My teacher brought in his Calypso album and would play it when we couldn 't have recess outdoors due to rain . The first album of his that I bought was his first Carnegie Hall double album . When I finished Mr . Belafonte 's book I decided to take off a few days from reading . Those few days turned into three weeks . But I snapped out of it and picked up On Tyranny : Twenty Lessons from the Twentieth Century by Timothy Snyder . This book was not on my radar until Cindy and I saw the author on Morning Joe talking about his book in connection with the recent presidential election and subsequent events . I 'll state here that if you are a fan of President Trump , you will not enjoy this book . If you do not like the president you will enjoy the book . If you are still not sure , this book can give you a historical perspective to work from . It is a short book with short chapters . The chapters are shorter than most of James Patterson 's books , if that helps you understand . The epilogue is longer than any of the twenty chapters . I chose a mystery as the fifteenth book in my reading challenge . I had planned on reading a book first published in the 1940 's , but it would have taken more brainpower to read than I was willing to expend right now . So instead I picked up a mystery , Tatiana , by one of my favorite authors , Martin Cruz Smith . . This is the eighth novel with Arkady Renko as the protagonist . The first , of course , was Gorky Park which was published in 1981 . In this novel Renko is searching for the murderer of a Russian Mafia chief and is also looking into the disappearance of the body of a journalist . Russian gangsters , government corruption , investigative journalism are all part of the mix . I always seem to ask myself at some point in one of these novels if Renko is one step ahead of everyone , or if he just muddles through until it all comes clear to him . I 'll read the Renko mysteries as long as Mr . Smith keeps writing them . This is another photo that I took the morning of May 4th . It was dark , it was rainy , it was downtown Lafayette . There 's not anything else to say , It began when Cindy had to go to LARA , the Lafayette Adult Resource Academy , to meet someone . Cindy used to be a volunteer there , and I was a part - time employee . Evidently she was still volunteering in the dream , but I had the good sense to be retired as I am in real life . Anyway , Cindy asked me to go with her and I so I did . In my dream LARA had moved their operation into a three - story Victorian house , and had joined forces with a Buddhist community center . I know . Strange . Cindy went off to her meeting , leaving me to look around . I came to a room where three people were sitting and talking . One of them looked at me and said that I looked tired and that they could help me . I 'm not sure why I thought that I needed help , but I turned myself over into their hands . They sat me in a chair and gave me a cup of tea . Then one of them approached me and stuck a small pin into my forehead . It stung a bit , but I immediately relaxed and dozed off . When I awoke I found myself in a bed , dressed only in a grey Henley shirt and boxer shorts . There was no one in the room and my clothes were gone . So I set out wandering around in the house , searching for my clothes . Everyone I met was sympathetic to my plight but had no idea where my clothes might be . They said nothing about my lack of proper attire , but I didn 't find that odd . Finally I came across a person who worked for LARA . She took me by the hand and led me to the Community Center thrift shop . She pointed to a woman behind the counter and said that I should ask her for my clothes . I did . She reached under the counter and handed me a bundle of clothes . I started putting them on but realized they were not my clothes when I saw that she had given me cowboy boots rather than my shoes . I planned on writing a post about this show right after attending , but things happened and I got slowed down . I 've posted about most of those things . Today I 've taken the time to get this post completed . When Cindy and I saw that Ed Asner was coming to Lafayette with his one - man show , A Man and his Prostate , we immediately decided to attend . We are both fans of Mr . Asner , and the topic is certainly important … especially to men of advanced years . I was pretty sure that Cindy would attend because I had gone with her to see Menopause The Musical during one of our trips to Las Vegas . Turnabout is fair play . Another couple of our acquaintance wanted to attend , so I went online and purchased tickets for four adjoining seats . The Sunday afternoon of the performance we met at the theater doors and proceeded in to pick up our tickets and find our seats . We settled in and awaited the start of the show . As we waited I looked around at the rest of the people who were coming into the theater . Two things surprised me . First , there were a number of younger people attending . Most of us who were there had grey hair , though a number of people were hiding it under dye . Still there were many younger ( under the age of fifty ) in the crowd . Let 's face it . a man 's prostate is more likely to interest older men than younger . The second surprise was the number of women who were attending without men . Then Cindy surmised that perhaps the women were Ed Asner groupies ; after all they were coming into the theater in groups of three and four at a time . To me that seemed like a reasonable guess . I just hoped that they wouldn 't disrupt the show by throwing their bloomers onto the stage . Luckily , they didn 't . I have to tell you that for such a serious subject , the show was probably the funniest I have ever attended . I highly recommend it . I will say that as a movie it would not get a G or PG rating due to language . People who are easily offended by religious humor might also want to avoid the show , though I thought that humor was minimal . TagsCollaboration , friends While patiently waiting for vaayadipennu to finish publishing the most recent N - N - 1 , Anju and I decided to revisit our original concept , 2 - 2 - 1 . We went so far as to try to take our pictures at exactly the same moment . Trying to determine the date and time for this momentous project turned into an " After you Alphonse " routine until I remembered that a gentleman should never argue with a woman . So I decided that we would take our pictures on Thursday , May 4th at 7 p . m . in Penang , Malaysia . Let 's start with Anju . I hope that you enjoy the result . I came face to face with one of my many scary zombie dreams in real life , as part of my job . As someone who has a ' cliché ' fear of crowds , I 've never actually had to face this fear head - on . Living in highly populated cities just means you learn to manoeuvre out of stressful , overly crowded situations . Not this time . I had to attend an event in Penang ( Malaysia ) with over 20 , 000 highly passionate people in one small arena for the duration of a week . For most of that time , I spent in a circle similar to the one in the photo . I now feel equipped to write a short story about zombies ! It was a dark rainy morning in Lafayette . It was so dark that I had to lighten the picture in order to make out the courthouse with the scaffolding around the dome . You can tell that it is still raining from the glistening streets and the rain drops that were on the lens . There weren 't many people on the street even though it was a non - holiday weekday morning . I suppose they were avoiding the wet . The scaffolding is there so that the dome can be repaired and painted . It is evidently a long process because it was started in the autumn last year . I 'm pretty sure no work was done to the exterior that day . Yes , I am being facetious . This morning has been very bad . The last few days leading up to today haven 't been all that great either , but this morning was the topper . Let me fill you in from the beginning . About a week ago I went to the basement and found a small pool of water on the floor . Cindy came down and determined that we had a small leak in a pipe above our washer . It didn 't look too bad , so I called a plumber whom I trusted , rather than use one of Cindy 's wounded birds ( click here if you want to know more about wounded birds ) . The plumber came , repaired the pipe , and he also fixed another small leak while he was at it . He did the job quickly and efficiently . He also charged less than I had expected . It was a good result . A day later Cindy told me that the electricity had gone out in our guest bedroom . Upon closer inspection I determined that the problem only affected the wall sockets . The overhead light and ceiling fan worked fine . But the problem extended to the wall sockets in another spare bedroom , and to the lights in the garage . Strange wiring , no ? I found the proper circuit in the box and reset the circuit breaker . All was well … for a few hours ; then the circuit breaker shut down . I reset the breaker again , and again the electricity was back on . Until the next morning . This went on for a few more times until we gave up . I asked Cindy to call an electrician in the phone book rather than one of her oxpeckers ( if you didn 't click on the ink above last time , you might want to do so now ) . She complied with my wish . The electrician was scheduled to come yesterday , Monday morning . When the electrician arrived I explained the situation to him ; I showed him the affected rooms ; and I showed him the circuit box . He asked me questions about the things we had tried . I told him that I had reset the breaker a number of times . I told him that Cindy had replaced a power strip that she thought might be faulty . I told him that nothing had worked . He reset the circuit breaker and we waited to see if anything would happen . After a few minutes the breaker shut down . He reset the breaker and then went around checking the connected wiring . Nothing seemed to be to have problems , and then the breaker shut down again . He asked me to unplug everything that was connected to the circuit , and then he reset the breaker . A few minutes later the breaker shut down again . At that point he decided to replace the circuit breaker . He did so , We were talking about the problem when the breaker popped again . He told me to call him if we had any further problems . He left . An hour later I was calling the electrician to say that the circuit breaker had popped again . He came back to the house . He said the next thing he would do is check the wiring in the attic , but that he couldn 't do it until the next morning . I said that was fine because I would need time to clear things away from the access points . I spent time that evening and again this morning moving things around . As the sun came up I looked out the window and saw that there had been a heavy rain during the night . Part of the back yard that I had mowed the previous afternoon was now under water . I decided to check if everything was OK in the basement and found that part of the floor was covered with water . We have just been getting the basement back in order since the flooding that occurred last year when we were on vacation . Now this . Cindy went down to start cleaning it up as the electrician returned . I showed him the access points to the attic and told him that he was on his own while I worked in the basement . Cindy and I were able to get up most of the water . She went to get cleaned up for a lunch meeting and I sat down at the laptop to start this post . I watched the electrician come downstairs and go to the circuit box in the garage a couple of times . After the second time he asked me about a wire he had found leading outside from the garage . Gosh ! I hadn 't thought about that wire . I told him that I wasn 't sure , but it might have been connected to a yard light that we no longer had . The light hadn 't worked for years . Over time the lamp - post had been hit by children in battery operated cars , vandals , and an automobile or two . Finally Cindy 's favorite oxpecker ( I told you that you should have checked the link ) disconnected the remains of the post from the electrical wires and had buried the wires . The electrician removed the remaining wiring from the circuit in a last ditch attempt to fix our problem . It has been about seven hours now , and the circuit breaker hasn 't shut down . I still have my fingers crossed . Tagsfamily , Travel Today 's post combines our last three days on the road for a couple of reasons . The first shallow reason is that I took no pictures on Friday . The second and third reason is that very little of interest happened on Saturday and Sunday . Day 5 , 4 / 14 / 2017 Our original plan was to leave for home on this day but ( no surprise to me ) Cindy decided to put off our departure for a day . We would spend one more day with Barbara , Michael and his family . Rather , we would spend about half a day because Cindy and Barbara both sleep later than I do . I went out that morning searching unsuccessfully for something scenic to photograph . I must have driven in the wrong direction or I was being too picky in my choices . So I stopped and filled the car with gas so that we could make a quicker getaway on Sunday . Then I went back to the apartment to read some more of my reading challenge book . We drove to Michael 's home in the afternoon . He was preparing a farewell dinner . We were having fresh from the boat fried shrimp , French fries , and home - made coleslaw . It was great ! After dining we played one game of Oh Hell . Since it was only one game I only had to give away a portion of my cash . Then it was back to Barbara 's apartment to get some sleep before leaving the following morning . We left early - ish on Saturday morning . We planned on driving to Memphis , Tennessee ; which was around 460 miles . With breaks for lunch , gas , and bathroom breaks we expected to be on the road about eight or nine hours . I drove until we were about two hours from Memphis , and Cindy took over . I settled into the passenger seat , and despite the lovely scenery , I dozed off . About 80 miles down the road Cindy told me that she couldn 't keep her eyes open and wanted to stop fr the night . So we did . We were on the road early Sunday morning because we still had at least nine hours of driving ahead of us . I had been driving for around an hour when Cindy realized that she had left her earrings in the motel room . So while she called the motel and asked them to secure the earrings , I turned around started back to where we had stayed . We got home between 8 and 9 p . m . We decided to leave unpacking the car until the next morning . It was time to collapse , so we did . Things to remember before we go back to Louisiana . 1 . Plan ahead for what we want to do . For instance , if we had gone a week earlier we could have gone to the Dave Robicheaux 's Hometown Literary Festival in New Iberia , or if we go back in November we can attend the Abbeville Giant Omlette Celebration . 2 . Manage time better so that we can do all that we want to do . 3 . Take more pictures . That 's my list . I don 't know what Cindy has on her list . Cindy had told Michael and Jenna that I liked visiting graveyards and taking pictures . She is correct ; I do like visiting and taking pictures of graveyards . So on the fourth day of our trip Michael took us north to Lafayette , Louisiana to view the graveyard at the Cathedral of St . John the Evangelist . Before we left Abbeville however , we stopped at a gas station for breakfast . That 's right , a gas station . The eatery was actually in the same building as the station . The food was very good . The pictures above are just a few that I took while we were at the cathedral . Michael told us that among the among the graves was one of a Confederate War veteran who was famous . Actually there were a number of Confederate veteran graves . Evidently they weren 't all famous . I noticed that there were a lot of Landry and Broussard family members in the graveyard . At first I assumed that they were large contributors to the church , and perhaps they are , but a little research showed me that those names are very common in Louisiana . So much for my powers of deduction . We returned to Michael and Jenna 's house where I was coerced into playing a couple of games of Oh Hell . It is a game of luck and a little skill . Cindy and the others love it . I see it as a way to give some of my money to other people . I guess it depends on your perspective . Along with the cards , Cindy chose to consume some wine . It was good that I was driving . We repaired to Barbara 's apartment where she and Cindy quickly fell asleep and I got in some reading . It had been a pretty good day . |
Sitting by the window in the half empty tram she looked sadly at the smashed and burned shops and businesses that had once belonged to Jewish people and had been destroyed just five short months beforehand during a time now known a Kristallnacht . She had been on duty that night and the suffering had been abhorrent . Families were driven from their homes and savagely beaten before being loaded into trucks and driven away to goodness knows where . She herself had almost become a victim . She had been on her way home , as she was now but after a long day shift and had turned the corner as a group of men were smashing the windows of a tobacconists shop and dragging the occupants out into the street . One particularly burly attacker grabbed a frail old man and pushed him along towards a waiting lorry . The old man lost his footing and fell forwards onto the cobbles , hitting his head as he fell . She heard his assailant shout : " People ? " he shouted back , " People ? ! These aren 't people ! These are Jews ! " and he swung another kick at the old man , his boot connecting with the man 's face , breaking his nose and causing him to lose consciousness . Blood poured out onto the cobbles , mingling with the shards of broken glass that glistened like so many crystals in the flickering flames of what had once been his livelihood . " Why won 't you help them ? " she sobbed as she struggled to break free from the firm grip of a couple of men who were preventing her from returning to the scene . " You know them , you were customers of theirs , you bought your tobacco and cigarettes there ! How can you just stand there and let this happen ? " " Don 't you understand ? " a voice close to her hissed , " We are saving your life ! It 's the Nazi 's . You cannot fight them . You will disappear yourself if you try , now go from here , go home , shut yourself away until it is over and don 't try to stop them . They will kill you " She climbed aboard , numb , and sat silently for the whole journey , just looking at the blazing shops , broken windows and , worst of all , the violence . The beatings , men , women , children . People who had lived their lives here , serving the community , friends , neighbours , now unwelcome and being treated worse than animals . She saw lorries being loaded with people and their properties destroyed . The scenes she had witnessed this night would haunt her for the rest of her life . " No , Mama , " Maria lied . Something she had never done before to her mother but she couldn 't bear to tell her about the things she had seen . " I am just tired , It has been such a long night . " I had been a stewardess for six years and I loved every minute of it . Having been drafted to work in munitions factories throughout the war years it was like a new life . I was able to travel , and in style . I had almost been refused the position at my interview . I looked okay . Five feet and ten inches tall , slim and not too bad looking I thought . Short dark , wavy hair , high cheek bones accentuating my large dark brown eyes but my long slender fingers ended in rather ragged nails and dry skin due to the ravishes of the munitions and chemicals I had spent so long working with . " Good morning , Ladies . " She spoke without a single smile , her face blank and professional . " I am Pamela Barnes , the chief stewardess at this training centre . " " Hmm , " she said . " A good effort but you have a lot to learn about make - up and presentation . That , of course , is why we are here . " " Oh dear , oh dear . This will simply just not do . Tut tut tut . " She shook her head and turned away as the extremities of my lips began to take a definite southwards turn and I looked down at my hands . " I cannot have my girls showing hands in such a terrible state , " she said , not angrily but not gently either . " I had been informed that you were coming so I had these gloves brought in . You will wear them at all times when on duty and in uniform . If I see you without them there will be no second chances . We have an image to maintain . " Pamela Barnes complimented me on my appearance and how well I had done to reach the strict standard that the airline demanded . As she paused before me whilst the director presented the next girl 's wings , Pamela leaned forwards and whispered , " Congratulations and very well done . I knew you could do it . " For the first time , she smiled . There wasn 't much to do , the aircraft had been cleaned and prepared by the ground staff so I walked up the steep aisle to the front , checking seat belts and antimacassars as I went . There were just twenty - four seats on this particular aeroplane , twin rows to the left and single to the right . Some of the later aircraft had thirty two seats , two either side , but this was one of the airlines premier flights and the larger , more comfortable seats had been retained . " Thank you , Karen . Yes , you may bring them aboard now . I am just going to do the walk round outside and by that time we should be ready to leave . " The taxiway was a little bumpy as we moved along it and , before the runway , the aeroplane came to a gentle halt . For a moment , the engines revved and the airframe vibrated . I knew from experience that the pilots were checking the engines before take - off and , once again as I expected , the brakes came off and we rolled forwards onto the long runway . I froze momentarily . Not from fear but anger . I was used to this now . Horny men just having to touch me because my uniform turned them on . It didn 't happen every day but often enough for it to be extremely irritating . I took a deep breath , placed the glass on the table and straightened up . The hand had now reached the lacy top of my stocking and I turned to admonish the man in the single seat behind . The hand pulled quickly away as I swung round , my face showing the anger I felt but I stopped and looked in surprise at the beautiful woman who was sitting there . I was stunned ! I had never been molested by a woman before and certainly not one as smart and attractive as her ! A shiver ran down my spine and such a weird feeling came over me . The anger had vanished as quickly as it had begun and all of a sudden I felt a kind of tingle , something I had never felt before . I didn 't understand it . Each time I passed that rear single seat , Jemima watched me intensely and I was getting more and more self conscious . Whenever I served her she found a way to touch me . Nothing as much as that first time but contact , however small was like an electric shock to me . I placed a glass in front of her and she touched my hand . I jumped . I took away her empty glass and her knee would somehow touch mine . I jumped . Two hours into the flight and I was struggling . I couldn 't breathe and my heart was beating like a drum . I couldn 't control it but worse , I didn 't understand it . I was normally so controlled , in control . This was my aeroplane , I was in charge , I was the stewardess but now , one of my passengers was distracting me and I was scared . I pondered her name . It sounded Indian . That would explain her beautiful hair and deep brown almond shaped eyes but she had no hint of an accent and she didn 't seem as eastern as I would have expected . She was certainly not dressed in the style of the east . She wore a white fitted blouse and dark grey , above the knee , pencil skirt . I had noticed a matching jacket in the overhead rack above her . I had noticed that she wore two rings on the third finger of her left hand . One appeared to be a plain wedding band which I guessed , due to its silver colour , was white gold next to a matching solitaire containing a large but discretely mounted diamond . It didn 't look brash but definitely expensive ! " Oh Crumbs , yes . Sorry , Bob , I was miles away . " The adrenalin was rushing through my veins and arteries and it took me a moment to regain my composure . All thoughts of the mysterious Mrs . Rana were dismissed as I busied myself with the task of brewing fresh coffee . When it was ready I filled two cups and placed them on saucers on a small tray along with a small jug of milk and a bowl of sugar . Then I placed a teaspoon on each of the saucers . Finally , I put some biscuits onto a small plate and onto the tray . " Don 't worry , Karen , I am just teasing . " He took the steaming cup and saucer from me . " Bob told me you were . He also said he startled you . " " I did apologise , " Bob Donnelly chimed in from the left as he took his cup from my outstretched hand . He paused whilst we both held the saucer . " I must say , though , it is not like you to be so easily surprised . " One of the things I loved about my job was the view . The ground looked so small and today there were no clouds . We were flying over France and far below us I could see fields , trees and tiny houses and towns . It was like flying over a map , wonderful . Both her parents had been shot by the Nazis for daring to stand up to them when their home was raided after a neighbour accused them of being Jews in 1944 . Luckily for Erika she had been away from home at the time and had not been involved but after the soviets arrived things were no better . The Russian soldiers were like animals and hated all things German . They were out for revenge for what had happened to them when they were invaded and no woman was safe . Many being raped and even murdered . She had taken off her shoes so there would be no sound from her heels as she flitted from shadow to shadow , stopping constantly to look and listen , pressing herself into a doorway when a police patrol drove past . Her dark woollen coat helped her to blend in and not be seen as the car drove slowly by , her heart beating so loudly in her ears she was surprised they hadn 't heard it . For a second she thought the policeman in the passenger seat had seen her as he looked straight at her but , no , they continued on their patrol without even a pause and , once again , the street was empty and quiet . " Hey ! " a man 's voice shouting , " What are you doing there ? " Erika froze in the doorway , not daring to breathe . There was a crash and a dog yelped , " Get away from here , damned dogs ! " A door slammed and quiet returned once more . She thought about her cousins , Markus and Franke . She visited them often in happier times but since the country had been divided she had not seen them at all . They wrote frequently to each other but had to be careful in case her mail was intercepted and checked . She knew that Markus had become a policeman after the war . He was younger than she was , just twenty seven , and his sister who was the same age as Erika , was an ambulance driver . They had survived the war as Franke had become a nurse in 1939 and moved to ambulances in 1943 and when the war came to a close , Markus had deserted and Franke hid him until it was safe . Later , as Erika lay awake in her bed , she thought about how she would get across . There was the fence with barbed wire and there was also , possibly , a minefield . Even if there wasn 't , there were almost certainly alarms and she had seen the watch towers and armed guards for herself . Elsa Schröder was the same age as Erika . Her father had been killed in August , 1944 during an air raid by the American 91st bomb group and her mother passed away soon after . The doctors said she had a heart attack but Elsa preferred to believed she had died from the grief of losing her father . As a result of both losing their parents in such tragic circumstances the two women had grown up together . They had no other friends and Elsa didn 't seem that worried that she had never met a husband . When she worked she always wore trousers instead of a skirt and although she was very pretty and had a stereotypical Germanic appearance of blonde hair and blue eyes she kept her hair cut short so , when she wore her uniform she looked more like a young boy than a grown woman . It was Sunday . The dress shop where Erika worked was closed and she had the day to herself . Elsa was also off work as this was her Sunday off too . About midday , Erika walked the half kilometre to her friends house and knocked on the door . It opened slowly and a worried Elsa peered out . When she saw who it was she said urgently : " I know , I heard . It wasn 't my fault though . How could I be here when I had been sent to work in Berlin ? " The dark haired woman felt as though her friend was blaming her for what had happened , as though it was her fault she had not been there . Soon , they walked together to the kitchen . Erika took off her coat and placed it on the back of the chair and sat at the little table where Elsa had prepared a pot of fresh coffee . They drank in silence for a dew minutes until Erika spoke : " You know I have cousins in Bad Hersfeld ? I will stay with them until I find a place of my own . " As she spoke , slowly and deliberately , she watched Elsa 's eyes narrow . " I don 't know . I am so tired I can 't think but we will work it out together . " Erika covered her mouth as she yawned then continued , " I didn 't sleep last night , either . I lay awake thinking of so many things . " Erika began to undress , first unbuttoning her blouse and slipping it from her shoulders , placing it neatly on the chair at the end of the bed then unfastened her skirt and stepped out of it , folding it neatly and placing it with her blouse , on the chair . Finally removing her shoes and placing them beneath the same chair . Now dressed in bra , pants and stockings she waited until Elsa had also undressed and watched , with a hint of sadness , as her friend removed her underwear and climbed into bed , beckoning her to join her . Without all her masculine clothes , Erika saw that Elsa was a beautiful woman . She was tall and slim with small firm breasts and not a hint of fat and she was pretty as a picture with her ice blue eyes shining out of her elf like face which was accentuated by her short blonde hair . She deserved to find a man to love her and not spend her life alone . There had been somebody once , during the war whilst she worked as a typist in Berlin . He had been a soldier in the Wehrmacht and was ten years older than her . He had been posted to Berlin after losing the use of a leg after being blown up by a shell but he was kind and considerate and Erika loved him dearly . They had been together for nearly a year and had become so close that they trusted each other implicitly and he often told her how much he hated the Nazis and couldn 't wait for the war to end . Sadly , he had been killed in a raid as Berlin came under more frequent attacks when Germany was succumbing to the allied advance . Later she opened her dark brown eyes and looked into Elsa 's , lying naked in her arms . What she saw through those beautiful , ice blue windows was love , joy and even peace . Moving her head forwards she placed a kiss firmly onto the other woman 's lips who responded eagerly . For some time they lay in each others arms , silently . No words were needed but soon the room began to darken as the sun set . " Yes , " came the reply , " Well , no , not exactly . I have loved you for a long time but I didn 't dare tell you because you have never shown any interest in me that way . I was afraid that if I said something you would leave me and to have you as a friend and love you from afar was better than losing you completely . " She looked at Erika intently , worried at what she would say but when no answer was forth coming she continued , " Do you understand me now ? You are not angry with me are you ? " " No , Elsa , I am not angry . You are right , I didn 't think of you that way . I have never thought of any woman that way but feeling you next to me in the bed , your warm body against mine , I knew that we were meant to be together . That I love you more than just as a friend and that I never want to lose you , ever . " With that , she stood and walked around to the other side of the table and kissed her new lover as if to seal their new found happiness , then sat on Elsa 's knee . They placed their arms around each other and held each other with Erika resting her head on top of Elsa 's . " We cannot stay here now . " she said , without moving , " If anyone finds out about us we will be reported to the Stasi . We have to leave , and soon . " " Well , my first idea is that I get on the train at Eisenach and you hide me somewhere on board . Then , when we get to the border maybe one of the others could get you a Deutsche Bahn uniform to change into and you stay on board until we get to Bad Hersfeld . What do you think ? " The two of them sat down together and ate the meal they had prepared . They had done this so many times but now it was different . They were no longer just friends they were lovers and together nothing would stop them . " Don 't take any chances . If you feel you cannot trust anyone then we will find another way . One way or another , we will get across the border and we will be together . For ever . " One night , she sat alone in her apartment , listening to the radio . A young man had been shot dead trying to escape to the west in Berlin . The newsreader reported a spokesman as saying he was a traitor to the state and all such attempts to defect would be treated as treason . Erika shuddered but they could not stay , especially now . If the Stasi found out about them they would be arrested anyway . Risking death would be a fair price to pay if she and Elsa could be together safely . " I 'm sorry , " Elsa said , " but I had to see you before you went to the shop . I risked telling one of the conductors about our plan . He promised to help but could only get one uniform . I have brought it here in case he tells anyone and they search my apartment . " " I know , ' Rika , but there is worse news . The uniform belongs to a colleague of his who is away on holiday . She doesn 't know he has it . We have to go before next Saturday so he can return it without her knowing ! " " A week ! ? " Erika exclaimed . She thought for a moment then , " Fine , we can do it " . She took Elsa 's face in her hands and looked into her eyes , " We will do it ! " Erika shuddered but they could not stay , especially now . If the Stasi found out about them they would be arrested anyway . Risking death would be a fair price to pay if she and Elsa could be together safely . " No . " came the answer , much to Elsa 's surprise . " Meet me at the shop at five , when I finish . I don 't care if people see us . Only we know that something is different now , they don 't . " Just before five , the shop door bell tinkled . Erika looked up from the dress she was repairing expecting to see Elsa but instead there was a man wearing a dark raincoat and trilby hat . he looked very severe and Erika immediately identified him as a secret policeman , Stasi ! " ' Rika , I don 't like being afraid again . It is worse than when the Russians came . At least we knew who the enemy was . Now we can 't trust anyone . " " Yes , " Elsa answered , " There are several options but there is only one opportunity where we have the best chance and that is Thursday night . There is a border guard who likes me . He keeps asking me to go out with him . I always refuse , of course , but I think he is more likely to let me go if he finds out what is happening . Thursday is the only day this week where he , I and the other conductor are scheduled to be on duty at the same time . " " I have an idea . You get a ticket to Eisenach from Gotha . Obviously you will not get off at Eisenach . I am the conductor on that train . When we leave Eisenach , you go into the toilet and put on the uniform and stay there until the train stops at the border crossing . The West Germans get on there and you can come out when they are there . I will get off with my colleagues but will get back on and hide until the train moves again . Once the train is moving , the guards will have got off and we will be free . " " I have thought about that . The guard believes anything I tell him . I just tell him I have left my hand bag or ticket machine or something . I will stay in the guards office until the train moves off . He will not question me if he has already had an explanation . " She thought about her friend beside her and how long they had been friends . She thought about her cousins in Bad Hersfeld . She couldn 't tell them she was coming and she just had to hope they would be pleased to see her . What if it went wrong and they were caught ? She shivered . She couldn 't think about that . It just had to be a case of what will be will be . She looked down at her friend . Elsa was right , there really was no - one else to depend on , no - one who could be trusted . It was only going to be the two of them for the rest of their lives . Erika closed the door quietly after Elsa left and rested her head against it for a moment . Now she was scared . From this moment on she would think of nothing else but the days ahead which could mean a new life for both of them or , quite simply , Death ! Erika spent the next day , Sunday , alone as Elsa was scheduled to work so she busied herself with cleaning and tidying her apartment . After she had gone she didn 't want anyone saying she was dirty and untidy . She would probably never see Eisenach again but that didn 't matter . Besides , she didn 't want to stop and think about what may happen on Thursday . She would worry about that enough as the day drew near . Erika thought for a moment . Her conscience would not let her take an order for something so important to him , knowing full well she would not be here to finish it . She steeled herself to let him down as gently as she could . " If I could make a suggestion , " she spoke hesitantly , " I could take your order and begin the process , making sure you get what you want , then pass it on to one of my associates . They are very good too . The only thing is I cannot oversee the work and you would have to speak directly with them . " The next hour went by quickly as they perused pattern books and Herr Braun finally chose a dress that he thought would suit his wife . He had brought a photograph of her to help Erika find suitable fabrics and colours . She was plain but tall and elegant and soon they had chosen something they both felt would look beautiful on her . After he had left , Erika felt a little sad that she would not see the finished article . Frau Braun was going to look lovely in what they had chosen for her . It made her realise just what she was giving up . She could never return to Eisenach once she left , her whole life was here . Even though she had no family here and her only friend , her lover , was going with her , she would still miss it . " No , " she replied with a weary smile , " Don 't worry . We can 't stay even if we wanted to . Not if we are going to be together . " " Oh … well , " Elsa stammered , " I just thought , well assumed , that you and I would be together . Is that not what you want ? " She looked serious . The next two days were like a lifetime to Erika . it felt as though Thursday would never come but it did and , at five , she locked the shop for the last time . Placed the key in an envelope and posted it back through the letter box for her associate who worked with her , then headed towards the station for the train to Gotha . She was carrying her largest shoulder bag and a brown paper parcel which contained the Deutsche Bahn uniform . At Gotha she had about an hour to wait for the last train which crossed the border . It was the longest hour of her life . Every time she looked at the station clock it felt as though it had stopped . " Eisenach . Passengers not alighting here please have your passes and passports ready for inspection at the border . Passengers not passing into the west please alight here . Eisenach the next stop . " With as much haste as she could muster in such a small space she took off her coat and skirt . She was already wearing the uniform shirt and she unwrapped the skirt and jacket from the parcel and put them on . Finally , she put her hair up into a bun and placed the cap on her head then checked herself in the mirror . The tie , she had almost forgotten the tie and with some difficulty , she had never used a tie in her life , managed to get something that passed as a proper knot . " Listen , " he whispered , " I am the captain of the guards here . I can make it as though this never happened . Go home , back to Eisenach and it will be as if you were never here . Finish my dress , with a big discount of course , and all will be as it was . " But Elsa didn 't run . She grabbed the only friend she ever wanted and began to half drag and half carry her to the western side . The rifles fired again and Erika found new strength to try to run . Herr Dieter Braun got his wife 's dress but it didn 't make him happy . It was finished by Erika 's associate and it fitted perfectly . His wife adored it and it suited her but he could not forgive himself for being the one who had shot the person who designed it and should have made it . He never allowed his wife to wear it . The bullet had passed through Erika 's bag and been slowed by the photo album she couldn 't bring herself to leave behind so that when it entered her body it didn 't have enough velocity to do any serious damage but the blood loss and shock had caused her to lose consciousness . Inside the album was a photograph of her parents and the bullet had passed through the centre of the two of them . She always said that they were watching over her that day and saved her life . Neither Dieter Braun nor his wife attended the service . It was said that he was so eaten with guilt that he was never the same again . He passed away of a heart attack in 1974 . He never knew that the two women had survived . His wife died six years later . " Really ! and where else will she go to get help ? We have overrun every nation this side of the mountains . That gruesome forest is the only place left that harbours those who dare to oppose Samerron . She has no choice so shut your yap and keep your eyes and ears open " " You won 't lay a finger on her , moron ! You know the orders . She knows the way into the city . Samerron will get it out of her . She is to be delivered to him untouched ! Got it ? " " Untouched , I said ! Anyway , what do you mean a long time ? You 've never had a good looking woman … " The sounds of guffawing trailed away into the distance as the riders went on with their search . |
Had breakfast with some of the crew . Some couldn 't make it . Left there and got my ' Fish Oil Pills ' . Picked up the mail and stopped to see the kitten . She looks a lot better and is really a sweetheart . The vet will operate on Monday , she had to order an extra small trake tube because the little girl is so tiny . The vet is really apprehensive about this surgery because it will be so long and the kitten is so under nourished . The vet also told me the little one has some kind of bacterial infection that she 's treating her for . Left there , picked up Archie and dropped a paper off at Donna 's , then went next door to see her MIL and SIL . They love Arch . It was a nice visit . Oh boy , a nice soft rain has been falling for the last hour . I forgot to put my gauge out again . But , Dad has his gauge in his back yard . I bet it 'll be 2 inches or more . Went to the vets today to check on the kitten , but she was closed . I then remembered she told me it was a half - day . I don 't think I 'll give her away . She might have some health problems and this would be their first cat . I wouldn 't want them to experience that . Will check on her tomorrow to see how she is doing . Now , I need a name . that I woke up at 4 : 30 with this fear of dread ? Well , Tuesday morning at 6 : 15 Cleo is out and raising hell . This SUV is parked in front of my driveway and a lady is standing in the middle of the road , in front of this tiny kitten . She reaches down to pick it up and it scidaddles into the weeds across the road . She goes back to the vehicle , gets a carrier , walks back to where the kitten was . Looks , shrugs , turns , says something to Cleo ( she won 't tell me what she said ) gets in the SUV , does a three - point turn , AND DRIVES OFF ! What ! Wait a minute , now what am I suppose to do about this kitten you moron ! So , all day , didn 't hear a peep out of it . Did my usual rounds , went to the cemetery and took several pics , went to Dad 's , had supper and fed the critters , went to Donna and Sam 's and dropped off their copy of the family tree and gave them the mandolin . ( Another story , let me know if you want to hear it ) . Came home to a screaming kitten in the weeds . I honestly thought it might wander up to the farm , because of Cleo . About 10 , I took some food and water out to the little thing . Fell down the ditch where the drain pipe comes under the road . The knuckle at the base of my big toe is quite red and swollen this morning . But there 's more . It ate all the food , drank some water . Would not come to me . Went out again at 2 , cause the crying sounded close . It was , she had managed to crawl in under the hood of the PT Cruiser . Open hood , holding flashlight , hood resting on my head ' cause I didn 't want to take the time to fit it on its little hood stick , grabbed cat , cat bites me , twice . I walked around , calming her down , yeh , it 's a girl . Finally got her to where I could take her into the house . Put her in the bathtub , noticed one leg is not moving at all . Crap , wonder if it 's broken . Put more food down with water , went to bed . She still crying most of the night , but , now I know she is safe . Called the Vet this morning , I know its her operating day and she doesn 't take clients , she took me , called me later . She doesn 't think the leg is broken but all of the ligaments are torn , she can put it in a soft cast to immobilize it and it will heal . She 's gonna hold the cost down as much as she can , she might take an x - ray just to see for herself , she 'll do a fel - luke and aids test , if positive , she 'll be put down . But , not until after 10 days because of rabies . She bit me , remember ? Oh , joy ! ! ! She is gonna call me later with more results . She asked me , " Where did you get her ? " I told her across the road from my house . " Oh , well she 's about 4 months old , she has two permanent teeth , very under nourished . " Do I need another cat ? Hell no . Some days I don 't need the ones I have , but , we 'll cross that bridge as time progresses . My friend Lois ' granddaughter wants a kitten . So , maybe . . . . . The Vet called , the leg is broken , she could splint it , but , it might not knit properly , or she could operate and put a pin in it . Either way , the kitten will have a limp . I said do the surgery . She wants her in a little better shape , so she won 't operate until Monday . Right now , she has calmed down a lot and is purring for everyone . The vet put the leg in a splint , so she is probably more comfortable . The kitten doesn 't have fel - luke or aids and the vet wormed her . She told me she wouldn 't charge room and board and the surgery would be about $ 500 . I asked her if she would take time payments . She said sure . Just what I need , eh . A very nice rain yesterday and again during the evening hours . No humidity , so A / C is off . Finally got the TracFone problem fixed . The seventh person I called fixed it in 30 seconds . Still on the fence about keeping it , we 'll see when it gets close to the minutes running out in October . Such good karma from fixing the TracFone , I think I 'll call Dell and get that straightened out . Got an email from my friend Denise , who got laid off when I did . She is laid off again , but , they told her they would call her back in October . She said she 's looking for another job . I think Archie and I will go to a couple cemeterys today . Never got there last week . It 's a lot more comfortable outside than it has been . Need to get up to my cousins and need to visit my friends , Bob and Weezie , who gave us Archie . After the other two dogs get here , I 'll be kinda house bound for a while , until I feel safe in leaving them . It 'll be traumatic for the girls , I don 't want them to destroy the house . Went over to Dad 's , he was in the barn , it was about 1 : 30 . I usually go at that time so I can pick up his mail and he doesn 't have to walk down the lane to get it . So , we 're sitting in the barn and it starts to thunder , a little lightning and then it pours for about 45 minutes , off and on . Really sounded good on the metal roof . I came home and finally got the trash and brush burnt . Now , it 's raining again . I hope it keeps up all night . I turned the A / C off and opened the one window in the back . I love the night sounds and the sound of rain . Later . . . . . . . . . . . . . I woke up this morning about 4 : 30 with such a fear of dread . Could not shake it and is still with me now . The guys showed up at 8 to trim the tree . They were very careful about not butchering it up too bad . The one fellow was not happy , I could tell by the way he looked and spoke to his boss . All three of them spoke in spanish . But the boss man was very easy to talk to and understood why I was concerned . It 's won 't be as nice but at least it won 't be in the wires . I don 't know why she planted it there . Oh well . I haven 't done a thing all day , except , cook Archie 's chicken , clean up the kitchen and do a load of wash . Tree guys are coming tomorrow to ' trim ' my cherry tree at the road . NO , I didn 't hire them , the power company did . The first guy stopped a month ago and informed me they would be coming in case I needed to be home . I said , " Well , yeh , the black dog bites , and if she was out , that would be a problem . " ' Oh ' he says . Kinda stepping back away from Cleo , who was standing on the porch with me , eyeing him up . " And , besides , I don 't want your guys butchering my tree . I understand you need to keep it away from the wires . But the way I 've seen some trees trimmed , you just as well cut the poor things down . " So , on Friday , another guy stopped and told me they 'd be here on Monday at 8 o ' clock , unless that 's too early . I told him that would be fine and repeated to him what I had said to the first fellow . This time , Cleo was in the house , barking her head off . I think he got the message . My friend Mike called this after . If you remember , he was the one that his wife left , and he got laid off after I did , and now he 's losing his house . I had told him I would take his two dogs , then he didn 't call and didn 't email and when he finally did . I was not in a position to take them . I felt really bad , but , I had just had that mini - stroke and wasn 't doing too good . Much better now and I told him to bring them down so I can see how everyone gets along . They are both girls , neutered , and , use to cats . His cats went to a friends house . He finally got a job thru a temp agency , looking to get hired full time . Has to be out of the house by August 4th . And , he told me he 'll be out of a job in a year or two cause they had a meeting and were informed the plant is moving to MEXICO ! He said it was the usual ' dog and pony ' show about why they 're doing it . I guess most people swallowed it , however , Mike has been down that road and knows the only reason is $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ $ . So , my bloggin friends , pray that these 2 dogs will fit in and I will be ablLater . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Not doing much this weekend , just too hot . Did go with Dad and Sarah to breakfast at the Methodist Church in our hometown . Dad saw a lot of people he hadn 't seen in years , but he said the breakfast at our fire hall would ' throw stones at this one . ' I think it 's better but , whatever . He and Sarah are going to a neighbors place today . Cliff is a HUGE International tractor fan . Has several , and he has an ' International Day ' at his farm every so often , usually once a year . He called dad and invited him and Sarah , I might crash it for the home made ice cream . One year , Dad and some friends took all of Dad 's John Deere 's just for devilment . That was a big laugh for everyone . If I go over , I 'll take some pics and post later . Right now , it feels awfully good just sittin ' here in the A / C . Got up at 6 : 15 this morning , checked my email . Went to breakfast . Too hot to sit outside so I took Archie on to his groomer , who is only about a mile up the road . Went back and had breakfast with Trudy , Philip , Kyle , Donna , Frank and Donna . Great chipped beef on toast . She uses real cream . Yummy ! After a scrumptious meal , much laughter and many stories , we parted . I went to the store for some necessities . Picked up Archie , stopped for the mail then I came home . If I didn 't have to go over to check on Dad , I wouldn 't leave the house . It is brutal out there . Have you seen the weather channel ? The whole country , except for a teeny , weeny patch of the northwest , is in red . The reason we have rainbows is to remind us , as a people , that GOD promised never again to destroy the earth with water . The next time will be fire . Maybe he 's started . I can 't imagine how you guys in the mid - west are puttin ' up with this . We 've had a few days of 90 + and tomorrow 's forecast is above 100 . That 's kinda unusual even tho it is July . August is mostly the hotter month , ewwww can 't wait . That Archie is so smart in some ways . Except for jumping out of truck windows and leaping off of balcony 's . When I shut down this ' puter , it makes a little ' ding ' . He imediately jumps up from his nap , knows we 're going to go out to piddle ( the dogs , not me ) and then to bed . Except today , we 're going to town to run some errands and get gas . OUCH ! I might head down to MD , they usually have cheaper gas . But , then you have to way the mileage to get there . Wow , just noticed another follower ! Hi ya , Ted . He 's # 13 . I 'm not superstitious , hope he 's not . Got the yard mowed ! ! ! ! It was SO wet , I was slingin ' water . But as high as it was and with that stupid ' fall grass ' , it wasn 't going to dry out any further . I cleaned the mower and got a 5 gal . bucket of yuk from underneath . Came in the house and collapsed , phone rings , its Juan from TracFone . Anther hour spent and another 24 hours to wait . He said they will call back on Friday at this time . " Uh , no good , I won 't be here . " He said they will call back at 2 , I said OK . I 'm not missing supper with my friends over this screwy phone . This is their last chance . Must feed the critters and stir up something for me . Later . . . . . . . . Lost a tooth on my partial on Friday , almost lost the dog too , remember ? Anyhow , ran it right in to the dentist on Monday morning ' cause they were closed on Friday . Go figure . Picked it up today , all is well . Stopped at the boro office to say hi to the ladies , and paid the water and sewer bills on Dad 's house in town that he rents out . Some landlords make the tenets pay , but this family has been such wonderful renters that dad has always picked up that tab . Spent an hour and a half on the phone this morning talking to two different people at TracFone . This is the third call I 've made . I 'll admit , the second lady and even the first one were both very nice and tried to be helpful . I did end the conversation with " Has anyone ever asked for their money back and it has been refunded ? " She said yes . I told her thank you for that information . She said to give them another 24 hours to clear this error on the account and then the minutes and number will be transferred . The clock is ticking my friend , the clock is ticking . Then I figured , WTH , might as well be a total tech day . Called Dell about the POS laptop . He too , was very nice , but asked me to call back in two hours as they were taking their system down and he couldn 't access my account . WHATEVER ! I didn 't . So , I 'm sitting here , basking in the coolness of the A / C and notice it 's getting darker over north of me . Took the dogs out for a quick pee and hear thunder . HMMM , maybe we 'll get rain . Then , after coming inside , I notice the trees are blowing around and I remember . . . . " Shit , windows are down on both vehicles ! " Big drops are starting to fall . Yell for Lily . Put truck windows up , look up the road and it 's looking foggy , nah , that 's rain . Yell for Lily . Hurry and put car windows up , yell for Lily , stand under forebay of barn . Rain coming harder and here she comes , strolling down thru the upper yard . The heavens open up , she sprints under the forebay with me . I grabbed her and make a run for the house , and it starts coming down in buckets . Temp . was 92 before the rain caPosted by Still can 't comment , even on my own blog . So thanks for the visits and comments everybody . I love hearing from ya 'll . Went on this blog and it 's been deleted ! WTH , I just read him yesterday . Maybe blogger is acting up again . I hope thats it . I liked his blog . Well , must take the dogs out , find Lily , and get to bed . Later . . . . . . . . . . . Went to breakfast with the gang on Friday . Since it was at the golf course , and a really pretty and cool morning , we always eat out on the patio . Archie and I were the first ones there . I was at the edge of the patio , looking over the course , there were already people playing at 8 : 30 , must 've started at sun up . Anyhow , Archie jumped up onto the bench seat that goes around the edge of the patio . I figured he was just going to put his paws up and look over the back . NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO . He proceeds to jump up AND OVER the back . I quickly looked over the 20 FOOT DROP and there he was hanging by his collar ! ! ! ! ! ! ! I leaned over as far as I could ( picture the guy that fell to his death , grabbing for the baseball ) grabbed his collar ( don 't know why it didn 't slip off ) and jerked him up , gently . He looked at me as if to say , " Oh Mommy , my whole life passed before my eyes , thank - you , thank - you . I swear that dog has the nine lives of a cat . Saturday was my birthday , Sue and Sarah came down from the city and took me to breakfast . They stayed for a while , then went on home . Archie and I then went over to Dad 's and visited for the afternoon . Then came home . All in all , it was a blah day . Today is a georgous day and I should be outside . I might sit on the porch and snap some beans . But the British Open is on and I do enjoy watching a good golf game . The Europeans call our golf courses ' stadium golf ' because the courses are so pristine . Over on the British and Irish courses it is a ' links ' game . Much , much more challenging and more fun to watch . I 'm still having trouble signing in to post on all of my favorite blogs . Later . . . . . . . Back when I knew I was gonna lose my job , I did not renew my cell phone with ATT . Needed to get away from that monthly bill , so I went to TracFone . The first one finally died a slow death , wouldn 't hold much of a charge . So I opted for a ritzy , ditzy Samsung . Could not make or receive calls from the house ! Called them , explained the whole thing , he said he would send me a new phone . But I like this one . So he said he would send updates to this phone . Waited a week , still can 't make calls . Called last week , explained it all again , and , guess what , a new phone came today , with instructions to send the old one back . OK , got on ' puter to update new phone and switch minutes and number . FAIL . Call them . I knew I was in trouble when she kept calling me ' sir ' . Had to give her the new phone 's serial number 4 , yes four , times . Had to give her the phone number 3 times . Finally , after being put on hold so she could talk to her supervisor . She said , turn the phone off , wait an hour , turn the phone on , and , I should be up and running . It better be . When these 1000 + minutes are done , I 'm biting the bullet for an I - Phone . Later . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Turned the $ $ $ $ $ $ $ , I mean the A / C , off last night . Much cooler around here today . ' Puter is still acting up due to , I think , IncrediMail . Guess I 'd better take the old gal back to Best Buy and fire up the POS Dell again . I was telling my cousin Jack about the Dell getting so hot it actually shuts down . He told me to unplug it or take the battery out . Apparently , when it is plugged in all the time , the battery is constantly charging and heats up . Even this HP was doing it . I 've been unpluggin ' it from the wall and no problems . Tried unplugging at the ' puter but then the little black box got much too hot , it being still plugged in at the socket . So , I 'll try that with the Dell . Blogger still won 't let me comment , and , when I ' sign in ' it still wants me to ' sign in ' . Might be this ' puter . Will see what the Dell does . Since it 's cooler , I think Archie and I will load up and head for the Catholic Cemetery outside of town . There are a couple of stones I need to take pics of for the family tree of a friend I 'm working on . Sounds weird , but people put them in their trees all the time . The one guy died in a drowning accident at 21 and his parents owned a trucking company that he drove for . His stone is an 18 wheeler . Should be interesting . Later . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I 'm turning on the A / C . Sitting here , sweating , not doing anything but typing . The breeze has died down , no rain in sight . Did I move to Texas ? WooHoo ! Nah , still in PA . Calling for rain , actually thunderstorms on Saturday . We 'll see . Friends Sue and Sarah are coming down to help celebrate my birthday . Sue wants to do breakfast and I suggested this little restaurant outside of my home town . If it 's not open , then there are plenty more around . Then I don 't know where we 'll go . Maybe down into Maryland , by the water . Well , short post , I 've got some copying to do on a friends family tree . Later . . . . . . . . . . Well , that storm last night was just a quickie . But , better than nothing . It moved thru in about 20 minutes . By the time I had the windows closed it was already outta here . It was suppose to reach 96 today , however , I doubt that it will happen . There is a nice breeze and I don 't even have the A / C on . I do have a fan for the dogs and cats . Which Cleo is lying in front of , Archie is on the settee again , in front of an open window . This Spanish tile floor stays nice and cool and keeps this part of the house colder . Got a call yesterday from the Dentist reminding me of my appointment . Whoops , forgot all about it . So glad that they are one of the doctor offices that still make those calls . Most of them don 't anymore , just charge you for a missed visit . It is just a teeth cleaning , but I have to pay for it . Ouch ! ! ! I was over at Dad 's yesterday and helped him take the blades off of his Toro so he could sharpen them . Bobby called and wanted to know if I was going to supper . They haven 't been coming since Judy was laid off . So I helped Dad put the blades back on and rushed home to feed the herd , and went to supper . It was a nice visit . But , I won 't go again until Friday . It was terribly hot today . There was a breeze and even it was hot . It was out of the south and Dad said ' It 'll be blowing up a storm tonight . ' Well , here it comes . And , I already watered the plants . Thunder all around us , West , towards the river and East also . Lightening not too bad , yet . No rain either , could be a dry weather storm with no rain . Boy , do we need the wet stuff . Wind picking up , lightening getting worse . I must see if I can get Lily in . Gotta go . Addendum . . . . HERE COMES THE RAIN ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! IT ' S POURING ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! AHHHH , THAT SMELL IS SO SWEET . GOTTA CLOSE WINDOWS . Now I 've lost all of my followers ! ! ! What is going on with this site ? If they 're doing it to piss me off , they 're succeeding . Now I 'm having trouble with Blogger . Can 't sign in to answer comments . But can still sign in to post this . So fellow bloggers , if I don 't answer you it 's not for lack of trying . I think IncrediMail really screwed up my ' puter this time . So far , gmail is working but takes some getting use to . Haven 't tried pictures yet , but my friend Sheila sent me a test pic and it worked fine . Was on the phone last night until 11pm with TracFone . They 're on thin ice also . She said I would get a response in 24 to 72 hours . She sent it up the line to ( hopefully ) someone smarter . I will say she really tried tho . I just didn 't want that extra expense of a monthly cell phone bill . We 'll see where this leads us . Sometimes I want to pull the plug on everything . As much as I love Incredimail , I offed it today . Guess I 'll try gmail and see what happens . It 's a beautiful Sunday . I 'm a heathen again , doing wash and plan to run the sweeper . I 've got dust devils as big as Archie , well , not quite , but almost . I think I 'll hang the sheets out . Amish can 't quite figure me out anyhow . If I had 10 or 12 kids to do the work , I wouldn 't have to do it on Sunday . Besides , with my Quaker heritage , I do things ' when the spirit moves me ' . At least it 's a good excuse . Not much excitement around here now . Back on Tuesday , a 14 year old Amish girl was run over by a milk truck . She was a deaf - mute , and had several other problems . The village is talking a lot about that . All kinds of stories flying around . The mother was standing on the other side of the truck , and I guess , thought her daughter was in the play area . The 9 year old sister saw her go under the truck , but didn 't say anything . It happen at 8 : 30 but they didn 't call the ambulance until 9 . Well , there probably wasn 't a reason for the ambulance . The funeral director came and told them he couldn 't do anything with the body . My Amish neighbor told me that ' they just put her in a bag and in a coffin and buried her ' . The cemetery is at the end of the lane . It was a Presbryterian cemetery 200 or more years ago . But they built the church on another road . When the Amish bought this farm , they said they would take care of it if they could expand it and bury there own there . The girl is probably better off , I imagine she was a handful at that age . Still sad tho . I have Incredimail for my e - mail and I think it 's the problem . Lost all of my ' favorites ' and my wallpaper is now black screen . All saved passwords are gone . Still don 't have a workable cell phone . Must call them when done here . GOD I hate technology somedays . Got the yard mowed but didn 't get the mower cleaned up . Maybe tomorrow , it 's too freakin ' hot out at the barn where I have to do it . I don 't clean it every time , too hard on my back . So , I try to get it about every third time , or , before it sounds like a jet engine . Too late , half way thru today 's mowing the jet engine started , so I must clean the thing tomorrow . Perhaps in the morning before it is too hot and humid . Nothing else is happening , sort of a quiet day . I did talk to Fred and he believes somethings going down at his work place . Wouldn 't surprise me none . Things aren 't getting any rosier , for sure . Some folks I know are soon gonna be running out of unemployment , and then what . I 'm glad I 'm out of the work force . I might have to squeeze a nickel until the buffalo shits but I 'm not under all that stress . Later my friends . I was gonna post this last night but it got to be too late . Went to the doctors yesterday , LOST 10 POUNDS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! WOOHOO ! ! ! Cholesterol levels improved . HDL up , LDL down . Because I have to take an anti - inflamatory med for the arthritis in my spine , he keeps a close eye on kidney function and it 's normal . I was on another med years ago for the same thing , so he watches the liver , and it 's normal . The only thing he was concerned about was the thyroid , so he increased that med . While sitting in the exam room talking to Dr C , there was a very loud clap of thunder , startled both of us . When I went out to the truck , there was another one . The sky didn 't look too forboding as I headed on home , but as I got south of the city , it opened up . It was so bad , some people had pulled off to the side . By the time I got to the next little village , about half way home , the road was dry . We never did get any rain here at home . Oh , I must tell you . Coming out of the city , the road goes from two streets into one road . Plus , there 's construction , so we had to wait a bit . I 'm sittin in traffic and this 18 wheeler comes barreling up beside us and tries to shuffle on over . The car ahead of me , scoots up to the bumper of the car ahead of her , and I scooted up to her . Didn 't let the smart alec in . Don 't pull that shit with me . He knew good and well it was a single lane and was just trying to bully his way in . Now , I 'm as kind to any truck driver as I can be , it is a stressful job , but that don 't wash . So , I 'm sittin ' in traffic , windows down to save $ $ $ . Phone rings , I don 't recognize the number but it 's a WV area code . HUMMMM , this can 't be good . Well , it was and it wasn 't . My Aunt Jenny was on the line . She didn 't have Dad 's number and she wanted me to wish him a happy birthday . She 's the only one of the 12 left and she was 80 in April . Sharp as a tac . She said she has two B - I - L 's and two S - I - L 's left and if she thinks about it , she gets sad . There were 35 grandchildren and 12 of them are gone . Then she told me about Uncle Golden , died Posted by Yesterday , July 5th , was the service for my cousin Ken . Dad picked me up at 9 : 30 and we headed over to the other county to our hometown . With Ken gone , there 's only one family member left in that town and he 's talking about leaving . Helped the rest of us to get out of there . But , I digress . We got to the funeral home and there were a lot of people standing outside in little groups . The ' two thieves ' ( his daughters ) and the a $ $ hole husband were the first to go in and the rest were just talking and visiting in the heat . I got and gave hugs all around to the cousins and then I walked in with Dad behind me . We signed in and I went up to the girls , gave them both hugs just because of Ken , ignored the a $ $ hole , and sat down . Dad didn 't even acknowledge them . Ken 's siblings then stood in a line with his girls and a $ $ hole and there must 've been 300 people come thru . Some family I didn 't know , a lot of in - laws that are now outlaws . Luckily , another cousin was sitting with me and if I saw someone that looked familiar , he knew who it was . After that dog and pony show was over , everyone went over to the club in town that Ken was a member of . Their auxiliary was providing a meal , so we sat over there and visited and told family tales . Then his daughters and family came in , went over to the other side of the room and sat at that table . No one from ' our ' side messed with them . So sad . After a while , I saw someone bring in a banjo and a guitar . Next thing you know , my cousin Jim and two of his buddies were up there pickin and a grinnin for the next three hours . Oh what fun that was . My dad really enjoyed himself , and I got to talk to a lot of people and get family data for the tree . All in all , it worked out OK . But , I 'm glad its over . I think it brought us closer together , and that 's a good thing . Had neighbors setting off fireworks last night . Luckily , we had a nice amount of rain with a small thunderstorm and they waited until that was over . There is a new house on the hill somewhat behind me . Not too close , but I can hear their dog barking and in the winter , see their Christmas lights . They were setting them off and then the guy up the road on the farm was also having fun . So , I had fireworks in stereo . There is a fireworks store in the village towards the river and they were doing a booming business this weekend . Probably be more to go off tonight . With the rain that came thru , I didn 't have to water the new plants , but I 'm gonna lose a few . Must call the landscaper , he 'll replace them . Dad 's hand is not quite as swollen . I still think it 's old ' arther ' from him messing in the wood for three days . He told me his thumb was really paining him this morning . Still trying to talk to him about going to the doctors but if he won 't take Tylenol for the pain , he won 't listen to the doc either . Heck , he 's his own worse enemy . Won 't manage the pain but continue to bitch about it . Well , I hope everyone has a good Independence Day , probably not too many left for us . Just sitting here drinking my coffee on a peaceful Sunday morning . Not much traffic except for the Amish going to church . Some Sundays they go up the hill , some Sundays they go down the hill . We had about 10 minutes of rain around 3 this morning and just a sprinkle a little while ago . No sun , looks like it might rain some more . I hope so , the corn is ' beggin ' for rain ' . Going over to my friends Moms this after for a cook - out . The lady had 5 children and her two oldest daughters have been friends of mine for more that 40 years . Their first cousins were my friends for longer than that . They are both gone now , and I really miss them . My cousin 's obit finally made the paper after six days . The service is Tuesday and I 'm wondering what a dog and pony show that will be . His picture and obit was on the funeral home 's website with him standing between each daughter . I printed it out and took it over to Dad yesterday . He said , " Are they the two thieves ? " I told him they were . Yeh , can 't wait for Tuesday . Went to breakfast yesterday with the gang and took Archie . They have a nice patio that overlooks the golf course . It was a beautiful morning , no humidity and everyone was glad to see ' the boy ' . He was so good and had his fill of eggs and potatoes . We will be eating there next week also with a few more people , so I 'll probably take him again . Came home and weed wacked around the place then got the yard mowed . Looks pretty nice for the holiday . Put the flag out and got a solar - powered light to shine on it . Went to supper last night with Lois and Artie , then their hubbies showed up . I hadn 't seen any of them in a week and really enjoyed myself . Had a nice sirloin with baked potato . Dad called last night and asked if I was sick ' cause I didn 't come over . I said , " Don 't you remember , we said since your were going to mow and I had to mow that I would be over on Saturday and finish that Census Survey . " He had forgotten . So , when I went over this after , he showed me his left hand . The thing is so swollen , the knuckles have disappeared . You cannot see the where the wrist should be . I asked him if something had bitten or stung him . He didn 't think so . I ran home and got my ice packs and told him to put that on to take the swelling down . It could be his arthritis . If it 's not better by the beginning of the week , he 's going to the doctor . Won 't go to the ER , just suffer thru it . Retired , lived in PA my whole life . Raised as a spoiled , only child of a favorite son , of the baby son , of the only son . I am the daughter they always wanted and the son they never had . I am free , no matter what rules surround me . If I find them tolerable , I tolerate them ; if I find them too obnoxious , I break them . I am free because I know that I alone am morally responsible for everything I do . . . . . . . |
Irrevocable is a short story that I contributed to the Wyrd Worlds II sci - fi anthology . You can read the story below in its entirety or you can download the Wyrd Worlds II anthology from the link below . It is free . WYRD WORLDS II is the work of an international collection of science fiction and fantasy writers , independent authors old and new , who have come together through the book recommendations site Goodreads to contribute to this anthology . This ebook contains a bumper 19 short stories from 17 independent authors from around the world , encompassing a wide range of science fiction and fantasy . Here lurks tales of the future , steampunk and time travel ; of magical realms and fantastical deeds ; and of things so weird they defy categorisation . The original WYRD WORLDS rode upon a new wave of indie collaborations ; and now we 're back ! In this anthology you will find : HUMANITY WAS DELICIOUS by Ubiquitous Bubba - Imagine you were the werewolf who ate the last human . What will you eat now ? More importantly , how are you going to get off this alien ship ? HOMELESS by Neil Shooter - Winter didn 't end , but his world has . Is he completely alone ? In a world gone cold , what can keep the spark of life shining ? The car that nestled by the side of the trees had come to a stop with its engine and lights switched off . It was rolled into position to keep it secret . Not that there was anyone around to observe its approach , but the driver exercised caution anyway . Even as he left the vehicle , he closed the doors gently and opened the boot quietly to retrieve a heavy cloth bag and a cylindrical sling . Once he had closed the boot of the car , he made his way into the woods . He paused to put on what looked like a pair of ski goggles before continuing on his way . The glasses that now adorned his face lit up the woods like a summer day . He made his way through the thick barrier of branches , bushes and foliage before stopping some hundred yards from the boundary of a heavy wooden fence topped with barbed wire . He opened the sling and pulled the sleek black metal from it . He locked the different sections into place , carefully checking his work before adding the sight and the silencer . He crouched down , but in such a way as to be completely comfortable and still . He pulled the rifle into position and put his eye to the sight , slowly bringing it through an arc to survey the surroundings in front of him . When he had done this a dozen times , he slung the rifle across his back and took a position at the fence itself . He used the wooden fencing as a support and once more took the rifle in an arc in front of him . There was no gate here , just the fencing , and on the opposite of it , there were small trees and bushes that served to mask the area beyond . The house that stood much further back was a huge Victorian building . The moon shone brightly , illuminating its roof and the brickwork and tiles that had seen better days . He ran his scope along the contours of the building , playing with the top of the roof before using the chimney as a guide to drop to the first bedroom window . He knew that this view was of the side of the house . There were four windows with lights on downstairs , and two of the bedrooms were lit , including the first one . He knew that his target would pass by one of the vantage points but it could be some time . He placed the rifle to one side and used a more manageable pair of binoculars instead of the rifle 's sight . The night was young and he had decided to give it until one hour before daylight before abandoning his task if the opportunity to complete it did not arise . Patience was a virtue that he possessed and prided himself on . When the hours passed and the slight drizzle of rain fell upon him , he never cursed or moved for shelter , he just held his position and waited for his chance . A third light came on from one of the upstairs bedrooms and a shape shuffled across to pass quickly in and out of view . He picked up the binoculars and held his view on the window . Sure enough , there was his target , adjusting his tie and briefly glancing through the window itself . He picked the rifle up when the light disappeared from the bedroom and focused it on the first window to the left of the building . He scanned the room as best he could . The windows were very narrow and decorated with strips of metal . He knew that the windows were indented with thick glass , and coupled with the distance from him to the property itself , made his target very difficult to hit . He hoped and prayed that when the time came he did not miss . He could make out the medium - sized portrait on the wall and the shelving that stood to the right of it and focused the rifle sight on the portrait . When his target came into the room , he moved from one side of the window to the other , seemingly laughing and chatting to other people in the room who must have been seated . His target suddenly emerged with a drink and paused to look at the portrait . This was the opportunity , the area was too narrow to wait any longer , and he might never get another chance . He squeezed the trigger slowly and deliberately . The bullet shattered the window and fizzed into the portrait , narrowly missing the man 's head and embedding itself in the wall behind . There were screams as it dawned on the rest of the occupants what had just happened . The man who had nearly taken a bullet dropped to the floor . Lights came on in the rest of the rooms of the house and the alarm sounded , shrill and whining . It would not be long ; the police would arrive and check the immediate vicinity before extending their search beyond the grounds and into the woods . He calmly took the rifle to pieces , put the main body back into the sling , and placed the sight , magazine and silencer back in the bag together with the binoculars . Using the night vision , he made his way back to the car and placed the bag and sling beneath the covering in the boot . He started the car and lit up a cigarette before winding the window down and driving back onto the road . He travelled a little way down the road before putting the lights on and increasing his speed . The narrow country lanes only lasted for another two miles before he took the slip road that fed onto the main road . He pushed the accelerator down and drew deeply on the cigarette , smiling widely as his car found other cars and lorries to mingle with on the highway . Ronald Mason was tired of the endless questioning by the police . Yes , someone had tried to put a bullet in him but what he really wanted to know was whether they were going to catch the would - be assassin and why had someone made an attempt on his life . Ronald was a renowned physicist and when the funding he had been so dependent on to continue his studies was withdrawn , he did not hesitate to borrow the money to fund his own research . With a couple of breakthroughs in particle physics , his company grew and attracted bigger and wealthier investors . At the age of thirty - five , he was rich beyond his wildest dreams , but that meant nothing to him . It was the research and the advancement of science that fulfilled him . Dancing on the cutting - edge of science was the lifeblood for him . Gary was a detective for some thirty years and the owner of his own private security firm for the last ten . The police had offered them protection and Ronald had agreed to the standard hotline and the car parked outside the house , but nothing else . Gary had looked after security for a while now at Ron 's firm and he had never let Ron down , made any mistakes or failed to respond when the situation demanded it . " I heard one of them say that the shot must have been taken behind the fences in the woods , but the others said that was impossible . They said the sniper could not take the shot accurately from there . The windows here are excessively small , and when the shot was taken , I was walking across the window , not standing still . The sniper would have known that he would have to be incredibly lucky to hit me from there , so he would not have taken the shot , " said Ron . " But he did take the shot and he missed , " said Gary . " You know the police seem to think that everyone 's an expert these days but maybe this guy isn 't as good as they think . Maybe he 's just someone with a grudge who unfortunately has a sniper rifle . " " It leaves you in a position where you can 't take any chances , " said Gary . " So if it 's alright with you I 'm going to put two of my best people here with you . They will watch you closely every day . When you go to work , one of them will go with you and the other will stay with Carol . " " I said people Ron , not men . One of them is a woman . They are on their way here right now . Trent and Karen are their names . They will make sure you are never alone until either the police or my guys catch this man . " It was not long before the two bodyguards arrived . They arrived in separate cars . Trent had a sleek black BMW and Karen arrived in silver Audi . Trent was a blond , youthful - looking man . Clean - shaven and with bright blue eyes he could have been the postcard American surfer . Instead , he had no discernible accent but spoke softly and precisely . Karen had long hair that was bunched in a bob at the top . Dark brown eyes stared out from beneath her Auburn hair and once again , she appeared to have no accent . " That 's everything secure now Mister Mason , " he said . " We 'll leave you alone now . You won 't see us as such but we will be watching . If anyone tries to enter the grounds , we 'll know about it . Gary has patrols on the property and in the morning I will come with you to work and Karen will stay with your wife . " Trent shook his head . " No need . Once you are in here , you are safe . When you leave the house , though , that 's when we need to know . So don 't even put a toe out of that door if we don 't know about it , " he said . " It 's just that were that to be the case for any reason , you should let me know so I can be with you , " said Trent . " If you had an accident or something , how would we know ? It 's a bit like health and safety at your work . " Over the coming days , the security arrangements for the couple remained consistent . Trent and Karen arrived every morning and Trent would accompany Ron to work whilst Karen remained with Carol . The women would discuss everything from houseplants to world politics and Carol was amazed at the level of knowledge of world affairs that Karen displayed . Trent stuck tight to Ron 's side and always asked whether Ron would be alone at any point . This was never the case , however . This was Ron 's company and there was always someone with him , together with Trent of course . In the evenings , Ron and Carol would relax with a glass of wine after their evening meal . Ron had started to look at the picture on the back wall regularly , rubbing the bullet hole with his finger . " Why would he panic ? Neither Gary or the police have found any clues as to who he might be . They haven 't been able to pinpoint the position he took the shot from and there are no tyre tracks or footprints anywhere in the area other than ones we can account for , " said Ron . " That 's not what bothers me the most , though . " The next morning Trent stood outside , leaning on the car , waiting for Ron . The sun was already oppressive and the glare made it difficult to see everywhere . Trent wore the sleekest looking pair of sunglasses Ron had ever seen and seemed to have no trouble with the sun , even if it involved looking directly at it . Ron was hurrying to the car and as Trent opened the door , he accidentally caught Trent in the face , sending his glasses crashing to the ground . Trent cursed , but not in English . Ron looked at him for a moment and then found his words . " It 's more of a dialect , to be honest . I 'm not sure most of it is spoken correctly . Some of the cursings have stuck with me . That wasn 't directed at you , by the way , just the glasses . They 're sort of one of a kind , " said Trent . He climbed into the back seat . Trent walked around to the front passenger seat as the driver started the car . As he turned to face the house , he caught the glare of Karen who stood in the doorway staring hard at Trent . Trent smiled and waved at her but Karen just kept staring . That night as Ron and Carol were relaxing , watching television , they heard the sound of a muted argument outside . Ron dimmed the lights and peered cautiously through the window . There , standing by their cars were Trent and Karen . They had both left the house a good ten minutes earlier but still had not left the grounds . Trent seemed to be apologising for the most part , with Karen poking him in the chest every now and again . She never stopped her verbal assault on him , pausing only the once to turn in an angry circle wagging her finger before plunging it into his chest . " They 're a couple , Ron . Look at them , they argue like a married couple . She cares a lot about what he says and does , " said Carol . " Look how guilty he looks . " " You know Ron and his team are on the verge of some breakthrough at work . He says that the world will never need to dig for coal or drill for oil again . That energy will be free for all . Do you think that 's why someone tried to kill him ? " asked Carol . " I don 't know . Don 't get me wrong , he does tell me these things , he tries to explain it but I don 't understand . All I know is that he says it will change the world . Things will change for the better , " said Carol . " In that house is someone very important to me , " said Ron . " I always said I would look after him and I keep my word . He 's a good friend . " " You don 't understand . He 's severely disabled , " said Ron . " He can 't leave the house . I wish he could but he can 't . " That night , Ron and Carol were looking through the window again . Ron was beginning to wonder whether the two of them were beginning to lose the plot . The argument took the same format once more , with Trent on the defensive and Karen pointing and doing most of the talking . This time , she pointed towards the house every now and again . Was she pointing towards the house , though , or was she pointing towards Ron and Carol ? As he spoke , Trent moved towards Karen and grabbed her by the arm as if trying to calm her . The struggling Karen continued to point with her one free arm and protest but relented when Trent pulled her close and hugged her warmly . Ron and Carol both smiled as Trent lifted Karen 's head to his and kissed her passionately . " Yes , you did sweetheart , " said Ron . " Let 's respect their privacy . " The couple both moved away from the window as Trent and Karen continued their kiss outside . Their secret observation of the bodyguards made their personal relationships with them much closer . Trent would go into the newsagents with Ron and got to know the shopkeeper . They would even stop off for a drink together at a nearby pub on their way home , but Ron never let Trent come into the terraced house with him . Carol and Karen had now started to go shopping together , interrupting their spending to take lunch . They also had a regular planned diet of television that they adhered to religiously . Carol never broached the subject of Trent and Karen 's personal relationship again , however . Trent smiled and Ron walked towards him . Ron stopped and gazed at the night sky along with Trent . The stars twinkled in the clear sky and Trent pointed towards what seemed a particularly bright one . " As a child and as a man . I shouldn 't tell you this but I was a scientist as well . Events caused me to take a different path and so I find myself here , far from home , doing a task I should never have had to , " he said . " I worked with a man called Johnson . He was a physicist . We argued about everything . The state of this planet suited Johnson . He became very rich by suggesting alternatives to conventional ideas about cleaning up the environment , " said Trent . " Johnson believed that you could open a window in the mirror . That you could talk to people in the past , " said Trent . " He thought that you would be able to guide them and tell them what they needed to do to keep the planet clean . A few of us helped him in his research . The problem was that you would need to be looking in that mirror from light years away to talk to people from many years ago . " " Not if you viewed it for a short period of time from another dimension . A dimension physically close to ours , " said Trent . " Johnson viewed it as a series of mirrors and windows . " " Only , Johnson said that he had achieved it . He could talk to people in the past , " said Trent . " We dismissed it as first but then Johnson suddenly started to inherit large amounts of money and he became an expert on historical events . " " I asked him whether it would be possible to actually step back in time and change the past . Put the Earth right . He just laughed at me . He said that even if we could go back in time , we would change nothing in the present because the past had already affected it , " said Trent . " Johnson made it public knowledge . He blamed us for wasting huge amounts of public money . I couldn 't get a job cleaning test - tubes after that , " said Trent . " Johnson didn 't want anyone going back in time for some reason . It was as though his wealth and power came from his monopoly on the subject . " " Well if you have qualifications , you can still do the thing you love . After this has finished why don 't we see if we can find a place for you in my company ? It 's never too late , Trent , " said Ron . Ron watched Trent drive his car through the gates . Once the car had vanished from his sight , he turned to go back towards his house . He stopped and looked up at the night sky . There shining brightly in the night sky was Venus . Ron suddenly felt cold and very alone . He hurried back inside quickly to embrace Carol . Trent 's revelation that he too had been a scientist cemented his friendship with Ron . Their relationship had continued to flourish , although Ron did not broach the subject of Trent 's previous occupation and Trent never spoke of it either . Their stops at the pub became more frequent , although they did not interrupt the regular visits to the terraced house . Gary and the police were no nearer to solving the identity of the mysterious sniper . In fact , the police now seemed to have no interest in Ron and Carol at all . Even Gary was beginning to doubt the wisdom of keeping so many men at the property , to the extent that he was considering withdrawing Trent and Karen from the job . Trent had protested , however , stating that this could be exactly what the assassin was waiting for . Gary agreed , not least because he could not afford to take the risk . The weeks passed by without incident and the winter set in , making the days shorter . Then one day they stopped at the terraced house as normal and Ron left Trent and the driver to enter the property . He was longer than usual and Trent became restless after an hour passed by . He was on the verge of leaving the car and entering the house when Ron came back outside and returned to the car . Ron was shaking a little but stared through the windscreen , he seemed fascinated by the views outside the car . Trent stared at Ron and then the driver . He was relieved when Ron spoke . " Yes , never better . Best I 've felt in a long time , " said Ron . " Trent , there is something I have to do , something I am meant to do . I need someone to help me with it . " " Tell the guards to keep away from the property . I don 't care how you do it . And get Karen to take Carol out for a meal or something , " said Ron . Trent phoned the guards at the house and told them to step back from the property itself , as the assassin might be trying to access the boundary from either the wood or the fields . He then rang Karen , who agreed to take Carol out for dinner . Ron noticed Trent was busy texting Karen as well but he did not ask why . He just smiled and enjoyed the nighttime views that he saw from his seat in the car . As they pulled up to the gates , the two men blocking their entry opened the gates and waved them through . In the rear - view mirror , Ron could see both men leaving the grounds of the house in a black BMW . The driver pulled up to the front of the house and then as Trent and Ron made their way into the house he left as well . Karen and Carol had already left and the house was completely empty except for Trent and Ron . " He never thought I would amount to anything . He called me a fanatic , a dreamer , a man who did not know the meaning of sacrifice . He was wrong , " said Ron . He moved away from the painting and sat down at the small writing bureau . Taking out a notepad from the drawer , he ripped a page from it and wrote what looked like a single word on it . He crumpled the paper up into a small ball and gripped it tightly in his right hand . " I 'm sorry , " said Trent . " We have become good friends , I know , but what you are going to do , I have to stop it . I put the bullet in the portrait of your father . It isn 't disrespectful but no man could hit you from there , I had to get inside . I also had to keep Karen and me safe . We cannot go back . We have to give ourselves time to get away and start a new life . This has cost us so much already . A personal bodyguard , close to the target was the only way . It has taken so long to get you alone , but this way it will be at least four or five hours until they discover your body . " " In six weeks time , you realise the breakthrough you have been working on . Dark matter will become a reality for the world . You will be able to harvest it and provide an endless supply , solving all the energy needs of the world . One man will corrupt it however , he will convince you that it can meet all sorts of needs and you will harvest so much that you can no longer control it . Our world will be grey and dark . My world , Ron , " said Trent . " The trees are all dead and the oceans are a murky brown mud . The atmosphere is barely breathable and when you look at the sky at night , all you can see is the black fog . No sun , no stars , just the impenetrable black fog . I had to come back and prevent you from bringing this slow death to the world . Johnson said it wasn 't possible , that we could not go back in time , but we found a way , Ron . We cannot go back , though , it 's a one - way ticket and so I had to bring Karen with me , my wife . One of our leaders , Johnson , argued against it , he seems to prefer our world as it , poisoned and less populated , easier to control and rule , but the council voted against him and sent us back . If there was another way to do it , I would , but I cannot take any risks . The only solution is to kill you . " Ron still did not move but spoke at last . " Tell me . This dark matter ? Will it make me famous , would it make my father proud ? " he asked . Trent steeled himself and fired the gun , sending a single bullet through his friend 's forehead . Ron slumped , face down on the bureau , his blood spilling across the wood . Trent holstered his gun and took a moment to kiss his friend lightly on the back of the head . Trent ran from the building and made his way across the grounds . Vaulting the boundary fences and running into the woods , he pushed back the branches and twigs as he ran in and out of the trees . In the distance , every ten seconds , a car horn made a single sound . He ran towards the noise , breathless , afraid and distraught at what he had just done . The tears streamed down his cheeks . As he left the woods , he fell into the arms of Karen , sobbing hysterically . " It 's a rental . False ID . By the time they find Ron , we will be long gone . New identities and a new life . This is our world now Trent . We cannot go back , but we , at least , know our world will not be poisoned , " said Karen . " Johnson said it could not be done . He said you couldn 't change the past because it has already happened . Irrevocable he called it . Yet , here we are . Johnson was wrong , thank God . I am so glad he was wrong but I hope that wherever Ron is , he forgives me . Carol is safe , isn 't she ? " asked Trent . " I left her at her mother 's with one of the security team . We saved her at least . Ron was my friend too and I am trying not to imagine Carol 's grief when she discovers what has happened , " said Karen . Trent pulled himself to his feet and the couple climbed into the Fiesta . Karen sat in the driver 's seat and looked across at her husband , who was still struggling to hold back the tears . She leaned across , kissing him gently on the cheek before starting the car . They both turned and smiled at each other and clasped hands gently . " He was the same as me . A scientist . Truth is he was brilliant . Far better than me but father ridiculed him because John wanted to talk to other worlds , different dimensions . He was thirty years old when he claimed that he could talk to people in the future . His behaviour grew erratic . He would wake up screaming and he even attacked people , saying that they wanted to kill me . We found a gun in his house and that was the last straw . I had no choice but to keep John away from the rest of society for his sake as well as theirs , " said Ron . " Why ? The people I put close to you were the very people who wanted to kill you , " said Gary . " I swear that at the time I put my faith in them , they had worked for me for years . Valued and trusted employees . Yet now , after their death , I know that they came to see me just six weeks before the bullet hit your father 's portrait . " " We don 't know . The cops don 't know . It 's as though they came from another world . No trace of a real identity , although they had a brace of brilliantly forged identities , " said Gary . " Yes , an unfortunate or fortunate accident , depending how you look at it , " said Gary . " Lorry driver lost control on a corner , swears that the wheel just went loose . It crushed them between the vehicle and the tree . The sniper rifle and bullets that match the one in your wall were in the boot . " " I wonder why they wanted to kill me ? " asked Ron . " John kept saying that someone was coming to kill me . The man in his head warned him that he had to save me . On the day Trent shot John , I stopped off at the house as normal only to find his two carers unconscious . I found John in a room by himself , he kept saying it 's today , it 's today . Sacrifice , I know sacrifice , he kept saying . I asked him who warned him , tried to calm him before phoning for help for the carers but he just said ' I will tell you after I am gone ' . Then he stuck a syringe in me and the world went black . Woke up in just my underpants , " said Ron . " Identical twins . Even the hair , " said Ron . " You know , he insisted on changing his name just before he lost it completely . Said it was important , he made me promise never to tell anyone . He even managed to falsify documents to show that he had died at birth . For all intents and purposes , I had no brother , well not one that the history books would know of anyway . He said that they must not know of him , whoever they might be . The man in his head told him this , " said Ron . " You 're not responsible for this , Gary . They fooled us all ; me , you and the police . In two weeks time , I have a very important announcement to make . I have discovered something that will change the world . I need people around me I can trust . I am refusing your resignation . I expect to see you back at work tomorrow morning , nice and early , " said Ron . " I guess so , " said Ron . " How did he know that on that particular day someone would try and kill me ? For all that , father ridiculed him ; he was a bigger man than the both of us were . Somehow , he knew he was going to die and yet he made sure I was safe . He made the sacrifice . " Carol hugged Ron tightly and he returned her embrace . Gary was running back towards them , holding something in his hand . Ron and Carol separated as Gary approached . " I almost forgot , " said Gary . " John had a piece of paper crumpled up in his hand when they found him . He had written just one word on it . It makes no sense to me or the police but you should have it . " Translate : Get on the Ground , Pig by Austen Szott . $ 50 . 99 from Smashwords . comWe have many promises to amend and agreements to keep now that Hell has begun its freezing over . If it is eternal , then we never have left , and never do escape , or remember Our lives released . They kept trying to build this up , out , and were solidified into rock , leaf , and rust , wider , planetary , abandoned , searched and discovered . I am the pig that flies . |
He was born on the 24th of February 1908 in a very small house in Goshen , Idaho , and he was born to Elizabeth Louisa Wilcock and John Royal Young . He was the 5th of 8 living children in their family . They had 5 boys and 3 girls . They had lost some children at childbirth but they had 8 living children . When he was a young man his father spent a lot of his summers out in the hills herding sheep so a good share of the work on the farm and the work with the cattle was left up to the older boys and this is where Dad not only learned where to work very hard , but he also gained a love for cattle that stayed with him all his life . As he was growing up he had rabbits that he took care of that he loved . he always had a dog and all my Father 's life he always had a dog , or 2 dogs , but he loved dogs , and I don 't believe I ever saw my Dad cry any harder than he did when we had one of our old mother dogs pass away in the process of having puppies and we were not home at the time and she had problems and died while we were gone and she had been with our family for many years and my Father really cried when he came home and found her dead . Dad did very well in school . he loved to sing , he was in their chorises . he enjoyed math and he did very good and he got good grades . he enjoyed playing in sports , but the thing that made him the proudest , and the thing we never ever heard the end of , was that he was the marble champion in the 10th grade , and anytime he saw his children or his grandchildren playing marbles he had to recite to them that he was the marble champion in the 10th grade . Dad was extremely proud of the way the crops turned out that summer , he worked very hard to make a good crop and he was very anxious to prove to his Father and his family that he could do a good job and he could raise a good crop , then just before the crops were to be harvested Dee came home from college and as often happens , when the older brother comes home the little brother is shoved back into his own spot , so things went from bad to worse that summer , and one day Dad and Dee had a confrontation out in the field , and when it was over Dad picked himself up out of the dirt , he walked over and got on his pony and rode off the farm . he rode down and went across the Snake river on his pony and went over to a neighbors place where he had worked off and on before , and he asked this neighbor if he could work for him . he told the neighbor what had happened and told him he 'd like to work for him for his board and keep , and so he went to work for this neighbor . At one time his Father called the neighbor and asked him to please send his son home and the man said I 'll send him home if he wants to go , but if he doesn 't want to go he is welcome here , and Dad spent the rest of that summer working for that man . After the crops were harvested he got a call from his Mother . She told him his Sister Maude , who lived in Montana , had been home visiting with them and she was leaving that night to return to Montana and they wondered if Dad would be interested in going to Montana with them that night and working for them as they needed a helping hand on their ranch . So he swam his little pony back across the Snake River and tied it up at home , and he spent the next 2 years in Montana . he told a lot of stories about the milk river country in Montana . We knew how cold it was , we knew about the time he tied a skonk to the Church door so the people couldn 't get out of the church while he sat on his pony and laughed as they yelled at him to come and get the skonk . We heard about all the things that took place during his stay in Montana . One day he got another call from his Mother . his Father was once again too sick to work , and they had no one to run the farm so asked him if he would come home and take care of the farm again for them . So he left a young lady there that he was engaged to and caught the train and finally returned home . he took over the farm and that summer he run the farm for his Father . One night shortly after he got home he went to Idaho Falls to a dance , and he was dancing with a young lady that he had known in school and asked her to go home with him . She told him that she had a friend with her and if he took her the friend would have to go also because they were going to stay together that night , which Dad agreed to do . The three of them were sitting in Dad 's Car at the girls house when a black cat ran in front of the car . The friend said " No black cat is going to run in front of me , " and she piled out of the car and took out after it . Dad piled out of the other side of the car and took out after her and they took off across Idaho Falls chasing this black cat . Somewhere down the road a ways the cat went under somebodys porch so the two of them slowly retraced their steps back to the car . By the time they got back to the car the other girl had given up and gone into the house , so Dad just put the friend back into the car and took her to her place . That girl was Verna Cook , and that night after she got home she wrote in her diary , and we still have that to this day , " I met the man tonight that I am going to marry , " even though at that time she was engaged to a man in Salt Lake and he was still engaged to the girl in Montana . On November 9 , 1927 they were married in the Logan Temple . When they came home they made their home for a little while in Idaho Falls and then moved onto a little farm in Basalt working for another man and eventually he rented some ground there . They lived in the Basalt , shelley area for about 8 years and at the end of that time they moved onto what was called the Sugar Beet Project in Osgood , west of Idaho Falls , and by then they had 3 children . Shirley Marie was born a year after they were married on September 12 , 1928 . I , NormaLe , was born 2 years after that on April 19 , 1930 , and Florence Beth was born 4 years after that on February 21 , 1934 , so when they moved into the home in Osgood they had 3 little girls they took with them . When I was born Dad wanted a boy , I was a second child and it was his turn now to get a boy . Well he didn 't get a boy , but all my life I worked along side of my Father and I was more or less his outside right hand man all the time I was growing up , and I loved it . I could leave the dishes and the housework , and all the stuff in the house , and I could go out with my Dad , and we fed sheep , and we bedded down new little lambs , and we put straw in the corrals , and we milked the cows , and I helped him irrigate , and I helped him harrow , and I helped him in the hay , and I helped him every place , and Dad and I had many beautiful talks together , and this is where I think I basically put together my standards and my feelings about life . I got them from my Father during those long evenings and those long days working with him . The thing that was interesting , and I never realized it until I got older , was that I don 't think he was as anxious for the help as he was for the company . My Dad was not a person who liked to be alone very much and he really enjoyed the company . When we moved to Osgood he finally got his Sons . Kenneth Lloyd was born on May 16 , 1936 and Richard Jay was born on November 11 , 1938 . At this time they had their 5 children . They lived in Osgood until 1940 , and I have many special memories of Dad taking us to school on his horse on really bad winter days when they couldn 't get buses through , and buses at that time were covered wagons on sleighs with a big pot bellied stove in the corner , and when that couldn 't even get through the bad drifts and snow my Dad would put us on the back of his horse and he would trundle us up to school on the back of that horse . We lived about a mile from the school and so we had a good time in Osgood . My folks did a lot of singing together there , and my Dad started his work in the Scout programs there , and my mother was in dramas , and we had a lot of good times there , and I can remember one thing that would shock the Mormons today and that was that we all used to get together after Church and have ball games all Sunday afternoons , and I have quite often thought about that and the Church has come a long ways since the whole ward used to go back to the Church after dinner on Sundays and have ball games all Sunday afternoons . They were fun and the whole family would go and they would end their games in time for the men to go home and do their chores and come back to 7 : 30 Sacrament Meeting . Our Church has moved along quite a ways since that time . In 1940 Dad bought a home down in the bottom part of Thomas . The thing I remember about this move was that Dad told us we would have a chance to see some Indians , and sure enough we did , we saw lots of Indians , but this proved to be our growing up home and Dad and Mother lived in this home for 24 years . It was a wonderful place . There were long shaded pastures where we could take long walks and be alone whenever we wanted to . There was a big canal that divided into 3 large ditches that went down through that place and us and all the neighbor kids swam all summer long in those ditches . Dad bought 120 acres on that place and a few years later he added another 120 acres to it and he more or less made that farm blossom as a rose . he worked very hard , my mother worked very hard , we all worked very hard . We hoed beets , we pulled weeds out of potatoes , we shocked grain , we picked potatoes , we did everything farm kids did at that time and we grew and I 'll tell you when we had a minute to relax we didn 't have to worry about what we could do . We were never bored . We loved to read , we loved to swim and by then there were 6 of us kids , they had one more little girl born August 23 , 1946 by the name of Geraldine . We were always busy and there was always things to do . They remodeled the house there on the place after they had been there few years . I remember when they got their first refrigerator . I remember them getting the telephone in and all of these things helped us to have a very happy childhood on that ranch , and as we grew up Dad sent both of his sons on Missions . It had always been Dad 's desire to go on a mission and when he came home from Montana he asked his Father if he would support him on a mission , and his Father said , No , that he could not spare him on the farm , or something like that , so at that time he never had a chance to fill a mission . After he and Mother had moved into town and his responsibilities were less he was once again asked by the Bishop if he and Mother would be able to go on a mission , but at that time my Mother was quite ill having just recently suffered a heart attack so once again he was not able to go , so it was a thrill to him when he was able to send his two boys on missions and to help them fill a lifelong dream that he had for himself . Dad was always active in the Church . he filled a lot of positions . he was high Priests leader , he taught in the Sunday School and was always active . All my life I never remember my Father not being active in the Church and he always went with us , but the thing that Father was remembered the most for is his work in the Boy Scout Programs . he worked in the Scouts for 21 years and he took many young men on scouting trips , including my husband , and later on in his life he was awarded the Silver Beaver which was always a great honor to him and he was always thrilled to have it . We all worked hard as we grew to adulthood and each of us married and had our own families the farm place became too large for them and finally Dad decided it was time for him to retire from the farm and he finally sold the farm and he and Mother bought a little home in town on Monroe street and Dad worked for the Parks department and he worked there for several years . During this time Mother had her heart attack and she got over that , but she was never completely well after that . Dad finally retired from the city and bought this little piece of land in Riverton and he bought an older home and put on it and remodeled the home and after he retired he and Mother moved down to Riverton into this little house , and they were so happy with this little home , then one night Dad came home from a Sunday School meeting and Mother was lying on the floor . She had suffered a massive heart attack and died on the 24 of January 1974 . After Mother passed away Dad lost his will to do anything and he would just sit in the middle of his house and let the mail pile up , the papers pile up , he didn 't care about anything , life had lost its savor for my Father . We were really happy one mothers day when Dad came over to dinner and told us that he had a date with a lady that he and Mother both had known real well when they lived in Blackfoot . he kinda drug his feet about going to pick her up and I said " Dad you 're just getting cold feet , now you 've got to get out of the house , you 've got to go and pick her up . " Dad had been prompted several times to call Lucile and he had tried a couple of times and she had been gone to Montana to visit her family , so finally one morning when he knew she would be home he called her . She had just gotten home late the night before and he called her at 6 A . M . in the morning ( that would have turned me off ) but he called her and She said " No , her husband had been dead about 4 or 5 years but she really wasn 't interested in going out . he said he couldn 't understand why he had been so prompted to call her if She wasn 't going to go with him , but she was the President of the Special Interest Group and She would go with him if he would go to their fireside with her , so he agreed to do this . This afternoon at our house he said he just didn 't think he was ready to start going out yet , he just don 't know why he called her . I said , " well Dad , look at it this way , you just need to go over , take her to the fireside , and take her home , it will only take 2 hours of your time , I 'll call you at nine oclock , by then you should by home . " he said " OK that 's fine . " so he left . I called him at 9 O ' clock , no answer , I called him at 10 O ' clock , no answer , I called him at 11 0 " Clock , no answer , I called him at 12 O ' clock , by then I was panicking . If he had gone off the bridge into the river there was not much I could do in the dark , so I went to bed . First thing in the morning I got up and called him . When he answered I said " Dad , where in the world were you last night ? " he said " Oh , we had the lovliest time , I took Lucile out to the house and I showed her around the place and we just had the most wonderful talk together . That is the most wonderful lady . " From then on they continued to date and they were married on the 28 of June , 1974 . From then on my Father was a different man and he loved living . Lucile kept a beautiful home , she was a good cook and she was a very dear sweet Companion . Coming into this marriage with her was 5 children who at that time was grown and married and had their own families , but Father became the Father of all of Lucile 's family , but Lucile was the one that showed him the way . Lucile was the one that always included our family in all they did , she was the one that brought us together when one of our family came to town and came to visit with them she would always fix a big dinner and invite us all to their house so we would have a chance to visit and eat and have a good time together . If I ever am a step - mother she would be the most wonderful example that I could have ever had . She was always dear to us and she always treated us with concern , with kindness , she always sent birthday cards , she always made sure that Dad would come and get me on my birthday and take me out to supper and she always made sure that Dad and I took time to go to the Cemetary on Memorial Day , she bought the flowers and made sure that Dad did the things that a Father should do . We loved her dearly . She has been married to my Father for nearly 20 years and in those years my Father has had many wonderful experiences . Lucile had some brothers and sisters and Dad learned to love them as much as he loved anyone in this world . In fact Jim and Venice and all her brothers and sisters were very dear to him . Jim had a big motor home and Dad just thoroughly enjoyed the big trips that they used to take in their motor home . On year they went clear to Florida and Dad saw a lot of the United States because of the fact that they were able to go with Jim and Venice in that motor home . One of the problems Dad had after Mother had her heart attack was that Mother could not do a lot of things so they had just settled in and they became very quiet and just simply were there at home most of the time and didn 't do much and so after he married Lucile she revived Dad , She helped him get new clothes , She spruced him up a lot and they had an awful good time . About 13 years ago they headed for the Temple in St George for the first time and this was also the result of Lucile 's brothers . They were living in the temple cottages doing temple work and Lucile and Dad decided to go up for a winter and stay in the cottages and do temple work . They went every year from there on . Every spring when Dad went through the packing to come home he declared that they were not going again , but when fall came he 'd say , " well lets call the temple apartments and see if we can get in there , and lets go back . " They didn 't burn any bridges when they left so there was always an apartment available and ready for them . The fall of 1991 Dad and Lucile went back to St . George as they had done before , but that year at Christmas time Dad went into the hospital with pneumonia and he was very sick and before Christmas was over he went in twice with pneumonia and by the time he came out of the hospital he was very weak and it took him all the rest of that winter to get his strength back , and that following summer after they came home he didn 't do very much . he mostly just sat and didn 't do very much . he was having a hard time walking , his hips was giving him trouble , and he had just not got back on his feet from his illness , but that fall all against all of our wishes he still wanted to go back to St . George . We thought it would be warm there so they did go back to St . George , but this time they went into a nice little apartment that Donald had been able to find for them and that is where they settled down , but Dad was not able to do temple work so Lucile was only able to go when she could find someone to stay with Dad for a few hours then she would go through the temple . Dad held his own for a little while but he couldn 't get out very much . he was walking with the walker but it was hard for him to get around and from this time on he had bouts in and out of the hospital with high blood sugar and sugar diabetes and several things . When Spring came and it was time to come home he decided he would rather stay there because of the health facilities that was there and the people that was already helping to take care of him , so they sold the ranch in Riverton but as time went on Dad 's health continued to get worse . he finally went through Gall Bladder surgery which we hoped would bring him out of some of the pain he was experiencing and for 3 or 4 days after the surgery he did very well . he was able to walk around with his walker a little and did real good , but shortly after that he suffered a severe stroke and it paralyzed both his right leg and right arm so they took him into the care center in St . George and started giving him therapy whDuring the time they were going to the Temple , Dad and Lucile did 5000 Endowments together . They had many very spiritual experiences there in the Temple , and Dad loved going to the temple . his great desire was to be able to get well enough to go back and continue to do temple work , but he was never able to do that . When he passed away he was called Father by 11 children , 52 grandchildren , and 30 great grandchildren . Most of these little great grandchildren had never known any other grandmother but Lucile , or grandpa but my Father , and he loved these little children , he loved them all , he loved Lucile 's little children as much as he loved our little children . he has left a great legacy in the posterity that he has left behind and I 'm sure that in the eternities these little children will still be his little grandchildren , even though they are not tied to him by a sealing power they will still run up to him and call him Grandpa , and our children will do this with Lucile . Their family will always be a part of our family through the eternities . I want to pay a moment of tribute to Lucile at this time . No one anywhere in this world could take any better care of a man than she took of our Father and we love her very much for this . |
I met my husband Alan while we were in AIT to become Combat Medics . He had a wonderful sense of humor , an infectious smile , and a personal drive to excellence that you could spot a mile away . I later went back to my homestate of Idaho , while he went to Germany on Active Duty . I realized that I was pregnant with our daughter , Mariska . She was born June 6 , 2007 . We called her " The D - Day Baby . " Alan was head over heels with Mariska … . who to this day is a spitting image of him . He wanted to settle down and become serious , and on Aug 14 , 2009 we married in Idaho Falls , Idaho . It was a small and quick courthouse wedding … . but we had a wonderful honeymoon in Wyoming and went whitewater rafting ! Very early on Alan showed signs of mental illness ( depression since high school ) . He had a suicide attempt before we even married . I remember having a deep conversation with him before we married and I said , " Promise me you 'll never try that again . " He promised . How foolish of me to make such a request against such a strong and profound illness … . Our marriage was met with the typical ups and downs within an Army marriage which included a deployment to Iraq . This only made his preexisting mental illness worse . He got out of Active Duty and became a civilian and later joined the Kansas Army National Guard . He was also accepted into the School of Engineering at KU . He was 3 weeks shy of starting his 1st semester there . On Aug 12 , 2013 Alan was very sick . He was verbally aggressive and verbally combative . I didn 't understand the full scope of his aggression . I sat on our bed and he walked in with his hand behind his back and continued yelling insults . He then brought his hand around and I saw him holding the gun … . I knew exactly what he was going to do . I jumped off the bed and ran at him to tackle him . He put the gun up to himself , locked his eyes into mine , and pulled the trigger as I screamed " NO ! " I stopped mid - run and looked at his body , never once did I consider myself a widow in this horrific situation … . UPDATE : Al , my best friend I first wrote about my Allen on this site , what , 2 - 3 years ago . Its under suicide , entitled Al , my best friend . His birthday was 2 / 17 / 68 . He would 've been 48 . It is also my older brother 's birthday . Bittersweet . It has taken me so long to read those responses since I wrote my story . I thought it would hurt too much . I truly am not alone . I 've graduated the older two from high school and working on the third this year . The baby girl is a sophomore and all seem to know what they want , if not how to get it . My in laws and I are finally a family . I 'm black and my hubs was white from Iowa , so that relationship was strained . But we love and need one another . I feel as though I 'm STILL spiraling out of control . I got my paralegal studies degree 12 / 14 . Still no job . I accomplished something and now , cannot use it to support the family . I 've become a shut in . Away from people , places , events . I feel like every time I step out that door my kids may never see me again . My dog is such a huge support for me . Allen 's dog died of natural causes , and we were all so devastated . I asked Al to meet her at the front of the rainbow bridge . So here I sit . I dragged myself to my son 's football games and brought my Allen 's ashes to every game . My son wanted that . He 'd meet me on the field and he 'd hug and kiss me and take his dad to the locker room . He was the teams good luck charm . We won state for the first time and the schools only been open since 2010 . I do the same for the 15 year - old . I bring him to every marching band performance I can . I go with her to the spring break band trips . But I am a zombie . Holidays do not happen in my home . Christmas , Easter , nothing . It feels hollow to the kids and I . My kids say I 'm great and I still laugh . But y ' all know faking it is easy . Real is very hard . I also feel like I don 't fit in to any group . AWP has been amazing with the 1 silent auction event I went to with my legal doc prep professor . Great loving time . But since then , I 've chose to nothing . I need someone to physically drag me out to an event with others like me . My depression is in control , and it and I keep me from enjoying , or hell , not even enjoying anything . I do not want to be like this . My children silently worry about me so they 've put their lives aside to make sure I 'm ok . My boys are really protective of me . They will come in to my room to entertain me , or just to see me smile . That 's not fair to them . I should be doing that for them . I put out 20 resumes a week . I call back , nothing . Short of just stalking law offices and trolling courthouses , I 've done everything . You 'd think living so close to Austin it 'd be easy . So I 'm making a huge step for me . I 'm asking that you ladies near Austin , Texas and surrounding areas , help me kick my ass in gear and help me reintroduce myself to the world . Maybe by doing something that terrifies me , I 'll come out of the other end , if not whole , something damn similar . Please don 't be put off by my need to reject things . Be persistent . I am trying to quilt , I read , I love a good bottle of wine , and I just want to BE doing , not just BEING . I will never forget the first time I heard his voice . I just changed high schools within my city . I was new I did not know anyone . I just remember watching him and I knew something was different about him . I was 16 years old when I met Paul . All he said was ' hi ' with a smile and since then we became inseparable . We grew together learning from each other and every day we became closer . Our relationship became more then just friendship but something that bonded our souls for life . We were each others first , we went through so many things together . Growing up isn 't easy when you are still a kid . He took me to both the junior and senior prom and we graduated together . We made it through all the highschool challenges and remained closer then ever , we were proud we never broke up or took even a break despite our teenage hormones . We were ready to conquer the world together . We made all these plans . Our future kids names , what kind of house we wanted . But before we could have that , we knew we had to work . I decided to go to college while he decided to become a United States Marine . At first the very thought of him being a Marine terrified me because I have never been away from him . We spent almost every day together since I was 16 . Everyday I received a good morning message from him via text , phone call , or even a note at school . I was scared of the change that was about to happen . But blindly we began our journey . Not knowing what the future held , we just clung on to what we knew and that was each other . He went off to bootcamp while I started my first semester . We wrote letters , he never forgot his good morning messages 😉 I went to his graduation to Paris Island . I almost knocked him over when I saw him . His first response was " You dyed your hair " lol and so our journey continued . I stayed here and did school while he did his required Marine training . I thought three months of not seeing him was unbearable , but I soon learned 3 months is better then not being able to see him for 6 months . His leave was taken away last moment , but after 6 months I was determined to see him so as soon as the semester ended . I flew to North Carolina to see him at camp lejune . Those were the best two weeks of my life and sadly were the only two weeks I got with him before he passed away . After I left he was sent to 29 palms he died two days after our anniversary . How he passed away is still in question , I heard different versions from his fellow Marines and on his death record it stated it was a self inflicted wound to the head . Location : porta potty . Still to this day I don 't know what really happened . Part of me believes maybe he did kill himself . I had to wait 9 days till his body was sent to our hometown and when I finally saw him his face was distorted and his head was wrapped . I talked to him an hour and a half before he died . I didn 't know that was going to be the final time I heard his voice . My other side thinks maybe something else happened . Paul thought suicide was wrong considering how angry he was at his cousin for committing suicide a few years prior . Less then 24 hours Paul passed my sister and I both received a strange text saying " Smile , death is coming " from a number we didn 't know . Still to this day his dog tags are missing along with other things . We have received letters and documents where details regarding Paul has been wrong . So two years later . I am still not sure how he passed or where his stuff is , or when the investigation will be closed or if I will ever know . It has been a struggle to keep moving forward . I was 19 when I buried him . He didn 't make it to his 20th birthday . Not a day goes by where I don 't think of him and what could have been . He broke my heart and it is hard to find closure since I have so many questions that haven 't and can 't be answered . When you love someone with every part of you , you want to be there and protect them . It broke my heart I couldn 't be there to say bye or give him one last kiss or hold him like he held me when I last saw him in Jacksonville when he told me everything will be okay because i was with him and how he wasn 't going to let anyone hurt me . I wanted to hold him and tell him he is safe now because he was back with me . He will always be safe with me in my heart and mind where I keep him . I have days where I hate him for the pain he inflicted on me and question our whole relationship , but for the most part , now I think of him and smile . It 's hard but I try to find the good even in the worst situations . I am glad I got those two weeks with him and I am glad I got that last phone call though the service was terrible . I could barely understand anything . I am glad his body got sent home and it wasn 't missing . Lastly , I am glad I got to experience the love he gave me . He told me he would love me till the day he died . Which he did . He never forgot a " good morning " message since I was 16 and the day he died was no different . I know the love we shared is real and something many people will never get to have . I am thankful for everything he and his death has taught me . My life will never be the same and my heart will never be completely healed but everyday I live for us and I celebrate life . He is still with me for each milestone . Each day I struggled and still struggle , but I keep moving . Whoever is still reading this … you will have days were your heart hurts all over again like you just found out , but you have so much to live for . I am now 21 it 's been two years and I have accomplished so much and I know he would be so proud of me . Rob and I met in December 1996 , while we were both active in the Air Force . I was pregnant at the time , and had chosen to give my baby up for adoption . Certainly unusual circumstances , but he wasn 't like the other guys I 'd gone out with before . He stood by my side and supported me emotionally through a very tough time in my life . After two years , Rob asked me to marry him . My enlistment ended , and he decided to stay in . A year into our marriage , he got orders to RAF Mildenhall in England . Less than a year of arriving there , September 11th happened . We watched in horror , along with the whole world , the footage and aftermath . I remember looking at him and asking " What does this mean for us ? Will you have to go to war ? " He was an aircraft mechanic , so I 'd always hoped and assumed he 'd never have to see combat . Over the remaining 3 years we were there , Rob went on quite a few missions . Several of which I was not told ( or allowed to know ) where . He never talked about them . When we found out I was pregnant , after 8 years of marriage , we were ecstatic . We had been on the fence about having children all those years . So , while it wasn 't planned - I felt that God had other plans . When I was 17 weeks pregnant , I miscarried . We were both devastated . We had our struggles . We had our issues . All married people do . I started to become increasingly concerned about his drinking . He became more and more distant from me . He decided to get help during the year we had to wait to try getting pregnant again . He was diagnosed with PTSD . He tried several medications , and at times , seemed to be making an effort . But the drinking continued . After our daughter was born in June 2009 ( a month after our 10th anniversary ) , I went through my own personal struggles of PPD , and the loss of my own mother to cancer during my 5th month of pregnancy . Our marriage had reached its lowest by the time out daughter was 6 months old . I was starting to think about getting out . We weren 't talking , his drinking was reaching dangerous levels . I felt that I 'd lost my husband … The man I 'd married had been replaced with this shell of a man . I didn 't want me and my daughter to go down with him . When he got orders to Washington , I decided a fresh start might be what we both needed . Unfortunately , I was wrong . On September 20 , 2011 I woke up to his alarm at 5 : 30 , but he wasn 't in bed . After a search through the house , I found his body in the garage . He had shot himself in the head with a shotgun . No note . Nothing . I was blindsided . We 'd actually been talking more the week leading up to that morning . He 'd stopped drinking . Looking back at it now , I can see that the days leading up to his suicide were full of delusions . I don 't know if he was trying to ask for help , and I missed it - or if he would have done it anyway . I will always wonder and regret that . I just remember thinking that as concerned as I was about what he talked about those days leading up to it - I was thankful and happy that he was finally talking to me again . Now , I continue to live … And make sure that our daughter will always know who her father was . A kind , compassionate and caring man who loved us with his life . He will always be in our hearts . Jason and I met through friends . His sister and my sister were friends in high school and they introduced us . I was a widowed single mom . My son 's father had been killed in a car accident when I was 6 months pregnant . He was a wild and fun longhaired , hippy - type who was great at making me laugh . We dated for a while but never seriously . When he decided to join the Army , I wished him luck and didn 't see him again for over a year . All until I was at another party and we bumped into each other again . He was no longer the hippy I remembered , but a man serious about life . We reconnected and started see each other again . Later we were engaged . Then I found out that I was pregnant . Jason was so excited about becoming a dad . We married 2 months after our daughter was born . Only a month after that , Jason got word that he was going to be deployed and only four months after our wedding he was gone to Iraq . I was so scared . Six long months later was R & R . Jason surprised me and came home for our kids ' birthdays . We were so excited to see him and had missed him so much . It was then that I first started to notice changes in Jason . I knew that being over there changes our vets but it was still a bit hard to get used to . He was no longer the happy ex - hippy that I remembered , but harder and more cynical about life . I was so worried when he left again . Three months later , I got news that Jason was experiencing problems and was being flown out to Germany . Jason was Combat Engineer and his duties included driving around looking for IEDs . Come to find out , Jason had been involved in several direct hits and many indirect . He had had concussion after concussion and now his mood , short term memory and coordination was being affected . After Germany , it was Walter Reed , after that it was Fort Bragg , NC . I flew to see him there and tried and bring him home . When I got there , Jason didn 't act like himself at all . I had to be careful not to get him upset . I was there for a week and had to go back and get my kids who were staying with family . The very next day I got a call that Jason had been almost arrested my MPs on the base . He was taken to the hospital and given meds to help him calm down . I was on another flight the very next day . We stayed 2 months in a Fort Bragg hotel room full of other vets suffering from PTSD and TBI ( traumatic brain injury ) , like Jason . We saw doctor after doctor . The A / C went out a number of times ( it was in the middle of summer ) and almost all of our meals were cooked in a microwave . Jason would get so angry at people when they would tell him , " Welcome Home " . He would scream at them , " I 'm not home yet , I 'm stuck here ! " Jason wasn 't getting better , but getting worse . Finally , I told the doctors and the others in charge that enough was enough and we wanted Jason home . After fighting with them , we finally got them to send Jason home . Jason still wasn 't the same . We tried doctors , meds , group therapy , counseling and nothing seemed to help . Jason was so frustrated at the lack of help that he started to drink a lot . With the drinking , came the fighting . Jason was arrested for assaulting me . He decided that the best thing for him was to get sober and to go where he wasn 't allowed to drink ; back to Iraq . I begged him not to go but he volunteered anyways . He was gone only 3 months this time , but the damage to his mind had gotten worse . When he got back he was arrested for DUI , assaulting a police officer and resisting arrest all on the same day . The assaults on me went on but I kept forgiving him because I knew that it wasn 't my sweet Jason that was doing it . But after another standoff with the police where he threatened suicide by cop , I knew he needed more than I could give him . All the VA could do was a 72 hour hold in the psychiatric ward . While he was there I gave the number to the in - patient substance abuse facility there at the VA . After completing their program Jason came out and started drinking again , immediately . I had stayed at my sister 's while he was in treatment . On November 11th my sister woke me up and told me to come into the living room . My whole family was there and I knew before they told me that Jason was dead . They told me that he had been drinking . Went to our bedroom and shot himself in the head . All I could think was that I should have been there with him . I felt like I failed him . That everyone had failed him . I had to tell our children that they would never see their father again . I still haven 't been able to bring myself to tell them how it happened . At his funeral , I just wanted to scream at him and at everyone . I can 't even look at his picture without crying . It 's been over 3 years and I 'm still crying . Our story started in highschool . My husband and I met after I had invited my friend Mike over for a swim one summer . He asked if he could bring a friend with him , I didn 't know his friend but said alright . From the moment we locked eyes , I felt a connection with Tim . We had a great time that day , and after they left Tim called me and admitted to me that he had asked to come along because he had a crush on me . I had a boyfriend at the time , and Tim had a less than stellar reputation at our school so I was hesitant to start anything serious , and asked if we could just be friends . Things quieted down until after I went to college . I was having lots of trouble with my boyfriend and Tim started spending a lot of time talking on the phone with me and visiting me . We talked so much that my dorm neighbors thought he was my boyfriend ! I ended up breaking up with my boyfriend over winter break , and Tim was the first person I called to tell . He came over the next day and we had our first kiss . Tim was not an overly ambitious scholar and didn 't want to go to college and was having trouble finding a job that kept him interested . He decided to enroll in the army . While he was still talking to a recruiter , his family was dealt a devastating blow in the form of his brother in law being KIA in Afghanistan when his truck drove over a roadside bomb . Tim 's brother in law was the only one killed , leaving behind his wife and 8 month old son . Tim was absolutely crushed but even more determined to enlist in the military . However his family and I were firmly against it . Finally in an issue of compromise , he decided to enlist in the Navy where it would be less likely to see direct action . Boot camp was a hard separation for us , especially waiting for those first letters . It was worth the wait though , because immediately after getting his first duty station assigned , he came home for Christmas and proposed . It was one of the most wonderful nights of my life . We were married December 29 , 2007 , right after I graduated college . About six months into our marriage , Tim was assigned a submarine and began to go on deployments . His first six month deployment started shortly before our one year anniversary . Navy deployments are shorter than Army but just as hard because there is less contact . It was mostly just emails unless they stopped at a port and he could call , but email was often down for weeks or months at a time . I remember during one of the times it was down I got so lonely , I went out and bought another cat . He was so mad when he found out ! Then one night I got a call from our phone tree . They told me the sub had been in an accident but there were only minor injuries and there would be a meeting the next morning with more details . I was so scared at the meeting , wondering what they considered minor . They told us the sub had hit another of our ships and had been rolled 85 degrees , but were still operational enough to make into the nearest port . The worst injuries were actually my husband 's , with a mild concussioHe arrived home and life seemed to go on without a hitch . They decided to rebuild the sub and we were told it would at least be a year before they were finished . We decided to try for a baby while we knew he would be home . We tried for almost a year before finally getting the happy news that I was pregnant . At this point they were way behind on the sub repairs and didn 't know when they would get it operational . Tim was so excited about my pregnancy , but so worried too ! I had gestational diabetes , as well as a blood condition that made me a higher risk pregnancy so he was constantly worried we would lose her . I gave birth to our daughter on November 11 , 2010 , and the look on his face as the doctor handed her to Tim is one I will never forget . You could tell it was absolutely love at first sight . They finally fixed the sub , almost two years after they had ended their last deployment , and were going out for a week long test run . Tim was so scared , he pulled me aside the night before they left to say he had taken out an extra life insurance policy because he was so worried that they wouldn 't come back up . I got a call a week later from him saying to come pick him up , that he was off the submarine for good . During the week deployment , he said he had slept about 8 hrs total , had extreme anxiety and nightmares , and couldn 't eat . He was diagnosed with PTSD , and assigned to a land job while the Navy decided what to do with him . From the night he came back from that week deployment , he was not the same . He had an extremely hard time sleeping , nightmares , and panic attacks . He was put in therapy and it seemed like they assigned a new sleep medication every week for him to try . He was moody , more prone to fits of anger , and seemed to draw more into himself . He had always been one of those people that seem always happy and was friends with everyone , but he became quieter and more likely to sit around and play video games for hours on end , not really talking to anybody . They ended up putting him on a narcotic sleep aid for almost three months ( we found out later , it 's only recommended for up to two weeks tops ) . And the Navy finally decided to temporarily retire him . Basically he was retired , but they had the right to evaluate him every six months and could pull him back into active duty at any time . He was give a class on resume writing and let go in August 2011 . Being let go , even though he said that 's what he wanted , seemed to make it worse . His mood swings got worse , and he starting sleeping in a different room in order to not wake me up several times a night . He contacted the VA , but other than refilling his prescriptions , they didn 't do anything for counseling . Not until January 2012 did they decide to evaluate him . They decided that the needed counseling , but didn 't set up the first appointment until March 22 . About two weeks before his first counseling session , he was given a refill on his sleeping aid . He said it looked different , but was told that it was the same thing , just a different manufacturer . He went from bad to worse as soon as he started taking them . He flew into fits of rage that actually made me afraid to leave our daughter alone with him , I had to call people to stay with him a couple times because I was so unsure of his temperament . He was extremely nauseous and couldn 't keep anything down . He also fell in states of depression where he would lay on the couch and not do or say anything . He even admitted that he had suicidal thoughts . I was extremely worried and urged him to call the VA doctor to tell them about these recent side effects . He called but there was no answer so he left a message . He didn 't get a call back . On March 22 , he left for his first counseling session . He came back and seemed tired and quiet , but told me that it had went well , that he thought he could talk to his counselor and get help . I left for work shortly after he got back , feeling hopeful that things were looking up . When I got home , I knew right away something was wrong . There were no lights on in the house , and I walked up the stairs in the dark , something he knew I didn 't like as the stairs were steep and two stories high . I couldn 't find him or my daughter in the house and ran back and forth from room to room calling for them . I finally called my parents , who lived about two minutes away and asked if they were there for some reason . They told me that Tim had dropped our daughter off several hours earlier asking them to watch her as he had a migraine and wanted to lay down . Feeling slightly relieved but still worried that I didn 't know where Tim was , I headed back outside to go pick up our daughter . It was then I found him . I remember screaming and not even recognizing that it was myself making the noise . The rest of the night is mostly a blur , other than a few images that stick out … . the first EMT arriving and after hurrying to Tim 's side , turning and shaking his head to say there was no hope , my father arriving and asking if I had called Tim 's parents , my friend coming to sit with me while I sat in the police car being questioned , the first thing my mother said to me " don 't you dare follow him " Tim committed suicide . It is such an ugly word , and in the weeks and months that followed , I have learned to hate it , but there is also a slight defiance in thinking about it . When people hear I 'm a military widow , they immediately ask which country he was in , assuming he was KIA . All the forms I had to fill out afterwards where they asked for cause of death , I stumbled every time . It is hard to describe the mix of grief , anger , shame , and guilt that suicide causes , I don 't even think I can properly put it into words . While intellectually I know it wasn 't about me , the heart wonders why our daughter and I weren 't enough . The one thing I will be thankful to him for is that he thought to get our daughter to a safe place first . Since he 's been gone , I 've heard countless statistics on military suicides , countless stories of the VA being overworked and understaffed , and countless questions of " how are you " in that slightly pitying way that people have when asking after the death of a loved one . My mother in law wants to make a difference in the system after the loss of her son , to work on making the VA and Navy more efficient with dealing with PTSD as that is who she blames the most . For me , it doesn 't really matter if there is blame or who has the most blame , it will not bring my husband back . For now , all I want to do is concentrate on living and making the best life for my daughter that I can . There is a quote " Suicide does not end pain , it simply passes it on to the living " , and I quite agree . I have my own counseling sessions now , and my own PTSD and sleeping problems . But that will not stop me from living my life and trying to be happy and enjoy what I can . Truly Amazing My husband was medically retired from the Army on March 28 , 2011 . He had severe PTSD and a TBI caused by an injury in Iraq in 2005 . He had undergone brain surgery in 2008 . From the moment he woke up , he was in debilitating pain from a severed nerve in his abdomen . He struggled to live his life as a civilian for nearly a year after his retirement . He was only 26 , walking with a cane and unable to do any type of physical activity beyond walking short distances ( generally just to get from point A to point B ) . He was unbelievably intelligent . Maybe even too smart fro his own good . He often over analyzed things , but always amazed me with his point of view . His view point was always completely different and far more thoughtful than others . It was impressive to say the least . Friends described him as smart and noble . Everyone agreed they had never met anyone like Trey before . Truly one of a kind . Honestly , an amazing human being . He was weighed heavily with the guilt of the things he had to do as an Infatryman while in Iraq . He always said that they were just trying to provide for their families just like he was . These men were killing his brothers and trying to kill him and , even though he carried out his duties , he was sympathetic to these men . Over the course of the year after retirement he became more hopeless . As a young man who couldn 't live life very effectively , let alone like a 26 year old , who now felt like he was achieving nothing and would never amount to anything because of his injuries . He had recurring brain surgeries to look forward to every 5 years to replace the shunt placed in 2008 . He felt like a burden and carried guilt about every instance of losing his temper or being unable to complete a task or fulfill a promise because of his inability . On March 26 , 2012 he was preparing to put gas in his car so he would be ready to go to school that afternoon without rushing . He ran upstairs to change and came down the stairs smiling telling me he 'd be right back . He kissed me three times , like he always dAl , My Best Friend I first met Allen , Al to his friends , in the fall of 1991 . I was dating someone else , and he was friends with my brother and his first wife . I would try on outfits and ask him what he thought . He was brutally honest ! I immediately liked him for that ! I was told by my brother 's wife that Al liked me . I had just broken up with the boyfriend and didn 't feel I was ready for anything more . Fate had other plans . Al was working as an electrician 's apprentice and asked me out . Our fist date was us driving around the suburbs of Chicago while he showed me all the parking lot lights he had put in . I loved it . His enthusiasm was infectious . I was hooked ! We married in ' 93 and had our children in ' 94 , ' 96 , ' 97 , and ' 00 . 2 girls and 2 boys . He said we had an heir and a spare for each ! He was feeling burnt out as an electrician , so he joined the Army and left July 4 , 2001 . He was 34 . He was allowed to keep in touch during basic because he was so old ! This was the first time we had ever been apart for longer than a weekend . We both never realized how hard it could be . I fell down a flight of stairs and broke my leg and needed a new knee . When he found out , he said I 'm coming home , you need me . I said , " No , because you 'll have to start basic all over again " . We got through it . Our first duty station was Fort Polk , La . He made friends quickly . He was a Geronimo . That unit , 509 , was his favorite . We were there for 6 years . Then in 2007 we PCS 'd to Fort Campbell , Ky . 2 BN 327th B . Co . No Slack . He deployed 3 months later . I wrote everyday . He did as well . We had weekly phone calls . He kept losing his buddies . I tried to keep the talk as normal as possible . When he got home he had changed . Gone was the sparkle in his wonderful brown eyes . He was haunted . He screamed in his sleep . His smile was not the same . We weren 't the same . We argued all the time . He wouldn 't let me in his world . No one would help me . No one would help him . On Saturday , January 29 , 2010 Al hung himself in our garage after an argument . Mrs . Allen D . Corwin I met my husband through a mutual friend in the summer of 2003 . Steve was 20 and I was 17 . We were both young and at the time trying to find ourselves , and our lives had taken us to opposite sides of the state . We continued to stay in contact with one another and after six years , we re - united . I remember the first day we we 're able to get together . It was a beautiful day in San Francisco , May 2009 . The sun was shining and the sky was clear . We made our way through the city , stopping at Dolores Park , The Sutro Bath House and ate lunch in Japan Town . He was impressed that I insisted on paying the bill and saying to him " I 'm a working girl , I have my own money . " We ended the night with a simple good bye and I began my drive back home , two hours north . I couldn 't stop thinking about him . I was praying that he would want to see me again . And , sure enough , I received a text message . My heart skipped . Steve wanted to make sure I made it home safe and told me he had good time . I immediately replied back with a " we should hang out again sometime . " The following week , I took the two - hour drive south , to San Francisco to be with him . This time , it was a date . We went to a movie in Daly City , and in the parking garage we had our first kiss . He surprised me while I was digging through my purse looking for my glasses , I felt him come closer and before I knew it , his lips were on mine . I felt my face get hot and became embarrassed . I remember thinking to myself " oh my god . " That feeling of being embarrassed and uncomfortable quickly went away . There was something about Steve that always made me feel at ease . Perhaps it was because we were friends for so long , we already knew one another that taking our friendship to the next step just seemed to come naturally . On May 13th , 2009 , we were official and I was his girl . From that day on , we became inseparable . Steve and I would constantly call one another , texting each other throughout our workday . And on our days off , I would stay with him in San Francisco , so we Over a series of conversations with my Father , Steve became inspired to enlist in the U . S . Army . One day after class , Steve had decided he would speak with a recruiter . It was a spontaneous action . I wasn 't aware that Steve had taken interest in joining the military . I remember asking him over and over again " are you sure you want to do this ? " And he would reply each time with " yes , I want to do this . " Hesitantly , we met my Father at the Army Recruiting Station in Santa Rosa . A series of meetings would take place in this office with his recruiter . Together they would discuss the benefits of joining the military and all it 's glory . What took over a course of weeks , seemed like hours , and with the blink of an eye , Steve had signed the papers . Every girl dreams of the day when they 're proposed to , their wedding day and so forth . My dream was just like any other girl , wishing for a fairy tale . Steve was a romantic man , and he proposed to me , with no ring , while driving in my Honda , down Geary Street in San Francisco . And , it wasn 't even a " will you marry me ? " it was a " well , if we get married , we 'll be able to live together . " Did I mention Steve was romantic ? In all honesty , I didn 't care how he asked , whether it was on one knee or not . So I said to him , " I 'll marry you with a ring from a Cracker Jack Box . " And in less than seven months , I went from girlfriend , to fiancé , to wife . December 31st , 2009 Steve and I became husband and wife . We decided to not have a wedding , nothing fancy , just a civil ceremony at the Napa County Court House . On our drive back home , we kept saying to one another " we 're married ! " - " you 're my husband ! " - " you 're my wife ! " After so many years of friendship , knowing that he chose me , out of all the other girls , he chose me to be his wife . I was honored , honored to be his . March 1st , 2010 I drove Steve to the recruiting office , where I 'd have a few moments to say goodbye before he left to basic training . I tried my best to hold myself together , to be strong for him , to not allow myself to cry . I kept thinking to myself " it 's just four months , four months will go by fast . " I kissed him goodbye and then he left . I stayed in the parking lot of the recruiting office . Alone in my car , I cried . I highly underestimated how long four months would take . Four months seemed to take forever ! Graduation day finally came . It was the end of June 2010 . I found myself in Fort Knox , Kentucky and I had butterflies in my stomach while I watched him march around in his Class A 's . I was so happy to finally be with him . No more letters , no more missed phone calls , I could finally kiss my husband . July 9th , 2010 , Steve reported for duty at Fort Hood , Texas . We were both tired and anxious from the two thousand mile drive from California . It hit me . Steve finally made it . He was now a soldier and I was an Army Wife . We lived together less than a year as husband and wife before he received orders for deployment . February 2nd , 2011 , my husband deployed to Iraq . The families were allowed into the company , to spend the last remaining hours with their soldiers . Steve and I were quite . We didn 't say many words . I knew he wasn 't looking forward to leaving me , and again I tried my best to hold in my tears . I had to be strong for him . I didn 't want him to feel guilty for having to leave me again . It was time for final goodbyes , and my heart dropped to the floor . I didn 't want to say goodbye . He walked me out to the front door , and I kissed him , smiled then said " I 'll see you soon . " He yelled at me " I love you " and my tears began to poor , without turning around I said " I Iove you too . " I knew if I turned around I 'd become hysterical . So , I continued walking to my car to cry alone . I cried the entire way home , I cried myself to sleep , and throughout the entirety of that day . I felt really ill , but it was different this time . February 3rd , 2011 the morning after my husband had deployed , I continued to feel really ill . I went to the bathroom and nearly vomited and thought to myself " there 's no way . " The pregnancy test was positive . I didn 't believe it . I called my Mom right away and in the middle of my confusion , Steve called . He called to let me know that he had made it safe to Kuwait , and that he would call me the next chance he had . I surprised him with a " guess what ! " I told him then that we were expecting and that he would be a Father . He yelled out to the person standing next to him , " my wife is pregnant ! " And on the other end of the phone I stood there smiling . September 27th , 2011 I picked up Steve from SFO for R & R . I was so happy to finally see my husband . He was more handsome now than before he left . " How is this even possible ? " I thought to myself . It must be the water ! He would always talk about how great the filtered water was in Iraq . I thought he was crazy . Whatever it was , it did him good . I was more in love with him than ever before . And let 's just say our first night together was great . September 29th , 2011 I was induced at St . Helena Hospital . My husband never left my side . Granted he did mostly sleep , but I have to give him credit for spending every waking moment with me . The following day at 3 : 54 PM , Steve and I welcomed our Son , Micah into this world . Aside from the medical staff , Steve was the first person to hold our son . While I recovered in the hospital , Steve stayed with me every night . Due to medical complications , our son and I were admitted additional days to the hospital . Which meant half my husbands R & R and his 29th birthday was spent in a hospital room . We made up for lost time , and went out everyday meeting with friends or spending time alone , together as a family . I cherished every moment . October 13th , 2011 I drove my husband back to SFO . This time , I couldn 't be strong . I cried quietly in the car , hoping he wouldn 't notice . I 'm not sure if he did , because he didn 't say much . I stopped at the terminal and cried even harder . This time , he saw me . He kissed me and said " goodbye . I 'll be home before you know it . " I told him I loved him and didn 't want to let go . I sat in the car and watched him walk away . He turned around to wave and I knew that was my signal to drive on . I cried all the way home . He called me a few times between flights and would text me , to make sure I was okay . I wasn 't okay . I wasn 't okay with our family being torn apart . Only having two weeks together . It wasn 't fair . I wanted my husband home with us , so we could be a family . When Steve made it back to Iraq , he would call me several times a day Time stopped . My heart dropped . I knew . " On behalf of the Secretary of Defense and the U . S . Army , we would regretfully like to inform you that your husband , Private First Class Steven Shapiro died in Tallil , Iraq on October 21 , 2011 . " I 'll always remember those words . I remember screaming at the Chaplain " no , not my husband ! " - " there 's got to be a mistake ! " - " I just talked to him ! " I swear that I heard my husbands voice say , " I 'm sorry . " I became numb , my mind went fuzzy and some how I made it to my couch . I sat there as the two men approached me , then I asked " how ? " There was a long pause , the Sergeant answered and said " ma ' am , your husband was found in his room with a gunshot to his head . " I had to take a moment to take all of that in . " Suicide ? " I asked . The Chaplain immediately answered , " the cause of death is under investigation . " I recall thinking to myself " my husband wouldn 't kill himself " - " he wouldn 't do that to me " - " he wouldn 't leave us . " But he did . Steve left us . He was gone . After my husband 's funeral , I was informed that he had left a note . And in this note , Steve said he was sorry , that he felt like a failure , that he failed his unit and his family , and that he loved me . He never gave a reason for these feelings . Now I 'm left with wanting to know why . Why did he choose to end his life , to leave behind our son and I ? My husband had just one week left before he would return home to us . Although my husband made a selfish decision , I 'm not mad at him . I 'm disappointed that our son won 't grow up with his father , that we didn 't get more time together . I feel robbed of the life I deserved with him . We had made plans for our future . I was looking forward to having more children , watching them grow , and growing old together . I never thought my husband would take his own life . There was a side to my husband that he didn 't share with me . He knew all of my deepest darkest secrets , and I thought I had known his . All this time , I did my best to be strong for him , but I wasn 't enough for the both of us . Pfc . Steven Shapiro was more than a soldier . He was my best friend , my husband and the father of my son . I 'm going to miss looking into his eyes , his smile , his laugh , the way he would pick at his fingers when he was nervous , waking up to him and kissing him goodnight . I never thought I 'd love someone the way I loved him . I 'm lucky to have had him in my life . Granted it was for a brief time . We spent many moments together that I 'll always cherish . I love my husband and will continue to always love him . I 'm thankful for having the time we shared . I thank God everyday for giving me my gift , our son Micah . When I look at our son , I see my husband . I 'll always have a piece of him . I am the proud Military Widow of Pfc . Steven Shapiro . Remember my husband for the man that he was and his service to this country . My name is Gina . No … I am not a widow . But , I feel like I am . I was engaged to the man of my dreams , Adam Armstrong . We were engaged . And I think the hardest bit , was we never had the chance to get married . Never . Adam served in the army . He had been stationed in Oklahoma , Virginia and Illisheim , Germany . He specialized in fixing apache helicopters . Adam committed suicide early this summer . Which is hard . I don 't know why , he didn 't leave a note . Which bothers me . Why would he leave when we were so close to being together ? Why would he do this ? I 've come to learn that I don 't blame him . I don 't know why he did what he did , but it isn 't his fault . And it isn 't mine . And it 's not the military 's . Honestly , I wish I knew … what happened . I sometimes think it would have been easier if he had died in combat , rather than this way . But , the truth is . I love him . I always will love him . I know that I must live on . I must find someone new … but , I will always love Adam . His spot in my heart will never leave . And I know I will see him again . Honestly , I feel that it isn 't just the married / widows that sometimes need support . I am not a widow . In fact , because Adam and I never married , the military doesn 't even view me as close . To the military , I 'm just a girl . Which is hard . Because I was HIS girl . His future wife . His everything . I know it . I hope support will be given to not only those girls who lost a husband , but lost a boyfriend . I mean , we all started that way . As Military Girlfriends . |
I think I may have broken my kid . At least as far as sleep is concerned . He always was a clockwork kid . First week of his life , he would sleep for three hours and eat , with wakeful periods at predictable times , around the clock . And he soon settled into a predictable schedule . At eight weeks he was sleeping through the night , and I was thrilled ! I thought it must be because I was such a good parent . Ha . Anyway , by twelve weeks he wasn 't sleeping through the night anymore . There was the fact that we flew him halfway across the country at that age and gave him jetlag . But the main thing was that he was starting to refuse to eat , which was a really big problem . So when he woke up at night and was willing to eat , my original tactic of trying to get him back to sleep without feeding him ( so that he would focus his meals during the day ) went out the window . My kid was dropping on the growth chart , and I was not going to do a single thing to get rid of two solid nighttime nursing sessions . I would show up at work exhausted , and my well - meaning coworkers kept giving me advice ( most of which involved leaving him to scream alone for hours in his crib , nothankyou ) on how to get him to sleep . I kept repeating over and over , " My kid is losing weight . My sleep is not my priority . Him eating is . " But somehow the impression remained that my child was a bad baby for not sleeping through the night , and I was a bad mom ( either a martyr or lazy ) because I wouldn 't fix it . Sigh . Eventually , though , he started eating regularly again , piling on the pounds , and doing great . Of course by then we had passed the ideal window for learning to sleep through the night . And then he had cold after cold ( that 's what happens when you take a baby to school with you every day all winter ) and cut tooth after tooth , and , well , just forget about sleep . Instead of waking up for a quick snack and dropping off , he was requiring an hour of pacing and bouncing every time , and then don 't even think about trying to lay him down in his crib after that . So we startePosted by I don 't like being a housewife . There , I said it . Don 't get me wrong . I love being a stay - at - home mom . I love being with my son all day , the close relationship this helps us have , and the way I 'm the expert on his needs . All that is what I stay home for . I didn 't stay home to do housework . Sure , I do it . I don 't do a great job . I keep us all fed , clothed , and more or less clean . But I don 't enjoy it . Oh , the chores themselves aren 't so bad . They 're no harder than many other jobs I have had . It 's the endlessness of it . The way I can spend an hour washing a mountain of dishes , and by the time I 'm done , we 're hungry again and I have to make more dishes . The way I can never really relax because there 's always something I should be doing . And it 's so easy to get resentful . It 's tough , especially if you 're the more outgoing spouse , to wait all day for your husband to come home so you can talk to him , only to find he 's been dealing with people all day and just wants to be quiet . Or to have him come home and put his feet up after a hard day 's work just at the moment that your job is getting its most stressful , what with dinner to make and bedtime to handle . Or to see everyone you know relax on a weekend , while for you it 's just one more day where people need to be fed and clothed . There are different ways to look at it . You can see it as a vocation . But then every time you need to ask for help with the dishes , you feel like a failure at your vocation . You can see it as a job . But it 's a kind of awful job with no pay except the privilege to continue doing it , plus the occasional word of gratitude . And then , every time you aren 't thanked on schedule , you feel like your pay is getting docked . You can see it as just trying to keep a tidy house because you like to live in one , and doing the lion 's share because you happen to be home more . That 's my main approach . But then you get angry when no one else does what you consider to be their share . And you don 't feel like you should ever have to ask . No one asks you to make dinner , pleasePosted by Marko 's language development has been amazing lately . It 's been quite a surprise to me that language doesn 't develop linearly - - instead it goes in sudden leaps and bounds . Which is why you always hear about kids who didn 't speak a word till two and then started talking in sentences . Once those brain connections are made and they want to say something , they pick up words at a lightning pace . It would be impossible to count the number of words Marko knows now . I joke that he knows them all . At any rate , he knows all the names of things he sees regularly and things he likes to do . He doesn 't get adverbs at all , though . When I say to pet the kitty nicely , he thinks " nice " is a verb that means " to half pet , half hit . " Ah well . Lately he 's begun to talk in sentences , though not usually original ones . He just mimics whole sentences that we use , like " Mama do it , " " Grab the dog , " " Mama kiss Daddy . " His original sentences are more sparse : " Walk in street , " " Eat crackers , " " Marko 's mousie . " But he 's certainly on his way to communicating everything he wants to . That doesn 't mean he always does use his words to communicate , though . Sometimes he just says " Mama do it , Mama do it , " and when I say , " Mama do what ? " he melts onto the floor in a puddle of frustration . When he 's really upset , he can 't speak at all . He clearly wants something and is frustrated that we don 't understand him , but he 's screaming too hard to pronounce anything . He certainly throws more tantrums than he did a month or two ago . Now that he 's 18 months , he 's very aware that what he wants doesn 't always jive with what we want , and he 's harder to distract . On the bright side , though , he does understand " no . " Sometimes he still does the thing , but sometimes he just starts to throw a fit . In other words , he 's thinking , " I want to touch that outlet , but Mama said no , so I CAN ' T . I 'm so upset ! " But he is obeying , which is what matters ( especially where outlets are concerned ! ) . I have always liked to sing to him . I have fun with changing the words of songs to fit ourPosted by I am , as most of you know , pro - life . That means I am opposed to abortion in any and all circumstances . While I absolutely do care about moms in tough circumstances , I also believe that a fetus is , from the very first moment of conception ( when it has its own individual , human DNA blueprint ) a human person . And I believe that human persons are created in the image and likeness of God , and therefore have intrinsic dignity and rights . Which is why it weirds me out when people who consider themselves pro - life as well then turn around and fail to respect human life in other instances . If you believe in the dignity of a human person when it is composed of one cell , unable to think , move , talk , suffer , or defend itself , it seems to me that it shouldn 't be hard to believe in the dignity of all human persons . And most people who describe themselves as pro - life also believe in the dignity of other people unable to move ( like coma patients ) or unable to talk ( like the severely disabled ) or unable to defend themselves ( like the very poor ) . And yet they might advocate the death penalty or war with a zest that seems entirely inappropriate . A person 's a person no matter how small , sure . But I also believe this : A person 's a person no matter how black . A person 's a person no matter how Muslim . A person 's a person no matter how guilty of murder . Now , the Catholic Church does allow for one very particular instance in which a human person may be directly killed . That is when that human person is an aggressor threatening your own life or that of someone for whom you are responsible . By their aggression , they have forfeited , to some extent , their right to life . The simple example is that of a gunman charging at you with clear intent to shoot . To make it easier , let 's say you have a bunch of kids with you , and you 're not sure who he 's going to shoot first . You have a loaded gun . You can go ahead and shoot , and if you can 't avoid killing him when you shoot , that 's okay . In fact , you probably have the responsibility to shoot . Another is the ePosted by I have been stranded at home on weekdays pretty much all summer long . One day , I was at the park two blocks from my house when I saw a bus go by . What ? We have a bus ? ! A bit of research informed me that this bus goes all over town , stops a block from me every hour , and costs fifty cents a ride . Well , sign me up ! I got the chance to try it on the second straight day of rain last week . Marko was as stir - crazy as could be , and I wasn 't much better , so I resolved that we would leave as soon as possible . Our destination was the library . Hours of fun to be had there , though I planned to only stay an hour so we could have a snack before naptime . Once I mentioned the words " bus " and " library " to Marko , we were committed . We dashed around the house like mad , getting ready so we could catch the 8 : 37 bus . The bus came right on time , and the driver was unbelievably friendly . He offered to swing right by the door of the library to drop me off so I wouldn 't get rained on , and even asked when I 'd be done so he could come by the door then , too ! It was only a moment after he pulled away that I saw the sign on the library : Open 10 - 8 . It was 8 : 45 . And it was raining . Dang it . So we played around the library in the drizzle for awhile . It wasn 't raining hard , and it wasn 't cold . Marko splashed in all the puddles with his bare feet . I had wanted to bring his shoes , but couldn 't find them because the dog had made off with one , like . . . two weeks ago . We 're still not doing shoes that often . But it wasn 't cold , like I said , and Marko seemed content and not cold , so I didn 't worry . Until a librarian came out and told me off . She said she " had concerns " about my son 's bare feet and was worried he would get cold . " Thanks , " I said , " he 's really fine . " ( I deal with this EVERY TIME we go out in public . If he hasn 't got shoes , I hear about it ! ) " No , I 'm really concerned , " she said . " He 's going to be cold , playing out there in the rain with no shoes ! " I said I wasn 't sure what I could do to alleviate her concerns , as I didn 't have any shoes with me . IPosted by Back when I was a teenager and my parents were early on in their " second batch " of children , my mom and I used to eat breakfast together . And invariably , my mom would tell me every single detail about how the baby had slept last night . I asked her what was up with this phenomenon - - why do moms have to rehash how the previous night went ? It 's over now , right ? We laughed over it and called it " The Ballad of the Bedtime Woes . " I tried to listen and be sympathetic , but the whole time I would think , " There 's nothing new in this story . It 's just like last night ! Why is it so important to her to tell the story ? " Now , I know . It 's just a purgative re - hashing . It 's simply to make you feel better about having lost a whole night 's sleep . Ideally , one 's listener should hang on your every word , as if the story were actually interesting , and occasionally interject , " Sounds like you tried everything - - it 's totally not your fault it went so badly ! " and , " Well , you must be exhausted ! How about I take over for you for a few hours while you catch a nap ! " I probably didn 't say any of those helpful things when I was a teenager . But my mom says them to me when I rant to her ( though , sadly , she is not near enough to trade kids with , or we TOTALLY would ) because she is nice like that . So here is last night 's Ballad . If your kids are this age , you might enjoy hearing that someone else is up in the middle of the night , too . If not , you get to chuckle to yourself at my misfortune and thank your lucky stars that you got a full eight hours ( or whatever you got ) . I must back up a bit and tell you about a problem we 've been having lately . It used to be that when Marko would wake up at night , he 'd cry a little . I 'd go into the bedroom , and often all I had to do was lie down next to him for fifteen minutes or so . Sometimes it took some rocking or back pats . We don 't nurse at night anymore , unless I 'm DESPERATE , which hasn 't happened in awhile . Lately , though , the second his eyes open , he leaps out of bed and pitter - pats to my room . He used to get lPosted by Welcome to the October Carnival of Natural Parenting : Money MattersThis post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name : Mama and Hobo Mama . This month our participants have shared how finances affect their parenting choices . Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants . * * * This month 's natural parenting carnival is about finances . As my regular readers know , our finances are usually pretty tight and we try to be frugal . That means giving up a lot of things we could really use . I could lay out our budget , but why get depressing ? Instead , I 'll spend some time daydreaming of the things I would buy if we had a money tree growing in the backyard . For Marko : * More clothes . That kid grows out of his clothes like nobody 's business . . . to the point that , money tree or no money tree , I 'm going to have to get him some more pants before too long . * Toys . Most people seem to have too many toys . Other than stuffed animals and baby teethers , Marko doesn 't have many . I 'd like to get him a ring stacker , a shape sorter , one of those toy lawn mowers that makes noise , and maybe a car he could ride on . Every time we 're at other people 's houses , he gravitates toward toys like that . * A big - boy bed . I want to get a regular twin bed , but the kind from IKEA that 's low to the ground . We have one in our bedroom and I much prefer it to our tall American beds that I have to climb in and out of . . . and it would be safer for Marko . I 'd probably add a bedrail , too . * A few more books . That 's more for me - - I 'm a little tired of Dr . Seuss these days , but Marko isn 't . What we should really do is go to the library more often . * A pair or two of moccasins . I got him some Rubberoos ( which are like socks with a rubber sole ) but they 're hard to get on and off , plus he 's already growing out of them . He needs some good comfy shoes as the weather gets colder - - barefoot is great for now , but soon it 's not going to cut it . What I would buy for the new baby : * Adorable clothes , especiSheila I 'm not sure if I 've mentioned before that John hates his job . He really does . Getting that job was a real blessing eighteen months ago , because it allowed us to move from Philadelphia to the DC area , but it certainly hasn 't been roses . Northern Virginia is not a cheap place to live , and the salary that originally seemed so generous seemed like a lot less when it was getting stretched for rent and train tickets . And then we moved even further out , and John started commuting two hours each way . Couple that with a truly toxic work environment , and the fact that it 's a contract set to expire at the end of the year , and let 's just say he 's been keeping his resume in the mail . Well , there 's good news ! And bad news . The good news is that he finally has a new job . The people are nice , the work sounds interesting and enjoyable , it 's in John 's field , it is NOT for the government , and it 's only 45 minutes away ! The bad news is that involves travel . Up to three five - day trips a month . John doesn 't care particularly about this ; he doesn 't mind flying . But I ? I admit I started freaking out from the moment I first saw the listing . I live in fear of single - momming . I know people do it . I know other people have to raise kids without their husbands for months on end . But I have never wanted that life . I never wanted my kids to have that life . I actually told John back when we were dating that I couldn 't marry him if he had plans to join the military ! It 's not because I don 't like servicemen , because I do . ( I 'm related to four of them . ) But I am well aware that it takes a lot of guts to suffer through a six - month deployment , and I am also aware that guts aren 't really high on my list of stuff - I - got . If I had found the right guy , and he insisted on joining the military , I probably would have waited six years ( or whatever it is ) for him to get back out again . That 's how strongly I feel about it . I wanted my kids to grow up with their dad around , darn it ! And I did not want to be deciding whether to do the dishes tonight , or put the kidsPosted by Remember Juanita , the consecrated woman who was always pestering me at sports ? Well , she was also my housework supervisor . It was her job to come into the conference room , which I cleaned every day , and nag me to work faster . Since I took considerable pride in my work and knew I did a good job , it drove me crazy . One day , I just lost it . I was tired of humbly apologizing for not doing a better job when I WAS doing a good job , as I saw it . So I yelled at her . I was holding a vacuum cleaner with a long hose attachment , and I waved it in her face . I yelled something like " Can 't you see I 'm working as fast as I can ? ! " She simply turned around and left the room . Later I seem to remember getting an earful about it from my spiritual director . I felt bad that I had snapped , but I also felt annoyed that everyone seemed to talk about me behind my back . If Juanita had stuck around , I would have apologized to her right away , but now there seemed no opening for doing so . It was a wakeup call for me to shape up , though , and I did try . I got a little better at accepting criticism . But I still cried a good percent of the time . ( In fact , I STILL do sometimes when someone criticizes me . I guess I am just really sensitive ! But I 'm a heck of a lot more stable emotionally than I was then . ) Soon , the school year was over and the summer began . I wasn 't particularly looking forward to going home . . . for some reason , I had started to be afraid of going home . I had gone into a panic when it was time to go home at Christmastime . It just seemed so far out of my new comfort zone . How could I be " what I was supposed to be " without daily Mass , a directed meditation , and someone to wake me up at six a . m . ? How would I relate to my family , and wouldn 't I miss my companions ? But the three days I spent at home ended up being wonderful . . . they were the days my first younger brother was born . I loved him immediately . And I got to go home one other time , in the spring , for his baptism . So , I knew it would be nice to see my baby brother , and I wasn 't dreading the summer visit . But I wasn 't particularly looking forward to it , either . What I was looking forward to was World Youth Day , which was going to be in Toronto . We were ALL going to get to go . There was going to be a giant Regnum Christi convention ! And , oh yeah , the Pope . I had a fun time with my family , I think . I actually don 't remember it very well . I do remember " major vacations " afterward , when we went to various parks every single day and enjoyed the summer . ( No , we didn 't do school year - round , even though we only had two weeks at home . The rest of the time was spent in outings and fun summer courses and , of course , the summer program . ) I remember having spiritual direction with Sally at the park . I was mainly concerned with the fact that she was going to be gone for a good part of the summer , and she wasn 't going to be coming to World Youth Day either , so I would have a long time without spiritual direction . I wasn 't quite sure how I could manage without it for three weeks or whatever it was . I have a vague memory that she said something about re - discerning my vocation . I remembered that from last year . I guessed it must be something you do every year . I told her that I would definitely pray about whether I was supposed to stay for another year , and that was the end of that . Meanwhile I did go to World Youth Day , and had a fabulous time . I did suffer a little bit from panic attacks and claustrophobia - - something that had been bothering me for awhile , but which I was told was all in my head - - because of all the crowds and unfamiliarity . But other than that it was wonderful . A close friend from back home was there for the summer program and had come to WYD with us . She stuck to me like glue the whole time , and really helped me enjoy everything . She was very free with handing out hugs and grabbing my hand to lead me through crowds , which was nice . We got to camp out the night before the papal mass , in a vast crowd of young people , and I even danced a little with a group of Brazilians ! We weren 't allowed to dance , but since it was little more than walking around in a circle , I figured it was okay . There were many Regnum Christi events which we went to as well . At the end of the trip , there was a giant incorporation ceremony with a high - profile Legionary . And now I was finally sixteen ! I could finally join RC ! I asked if I could . " You 're also supposed to write a letter to Fr . Maciel first , telling the reasons why you want to be incorporated . But in this situation , you 'll write your letter afterward . And instead of going on a discernment retreat first , you can go on your usual retreat in the fall . That will count . " So I was given permission to be incorporated . The ceremony was a disappointment , though . Instead of the small , intimate celebrations of a few girls I had seen before , there was a vast crowd . And instead of receiving a cross , a Bible , and a commitment card , I was told to just hold my own cross and Bible , and I would get a commitment card later . I had wanted a chance to review the commitments , but no one had a card they could show me . And when it was time to recite the promises , I didn 't have a sheet to read , so I just listened and said " Amen " at the end . It hardly felt like it counted , and I kind of wished I had waited . I never even wrote the letter . We returned to Rhode Island , happy because we had gotten to see John Paul II ( a second time for most of us , including me , because we had gone to Rome my freshman year ) . I tried to track down Sally , but all I got was , " Oh , you were incorporated ? I didn 't expect that . Congratulations . " She said we would make an appointment for spiritual direction when she was a little less busy . I was shocked . How could Sally go behind my back like that ? We 'd never spoken about me leaving . We hadn 't spoken in weeks anyway . But then I thought for awhile and remembered our last conversation , almost a month before . There had been something about re - discerning . . . hadn 't there ? Finally I answered my mom , " Well , she did ask if I wanted to stay for another year , and I said I 'd pray about it , but we haven 't talked since then . I 'll talk to her and tell her I 'm not planning to leave . " I figured that would take care of everything . It didn 't . We had a talk where she asked me to seriously consider leaving , told me that I was just being complacent where I was , and told me that I had to be open to the possibility that God was leading me elsewhere . At least , I think that 's what she said . I was mostly busy sobbing . The very idea of leaving was heartbreaking to me . But I promised I would pray hard and really discern and ask God what he wanted . I did , too . While writing this post , I went through my old prayer journal from the time ( oh , how painful ) . Every night , I wrote begging God to make his will known to me , and promising that I would obey him if he asked me to leave , even though it was the very last thing I wanted . I felt that perhaps this was all because I had not been good enough , and that I needed to try harder to be worthy . But I never got the slightest hint from God that he might want me to leave , though I asked for sign after sign . All I could think of in prayer was how much I loved being there , how close to God I felt , and how firmly I believed this was my vocation . She looked me in the eye . " Well , God has many ways of speaking to us , Sheila , and one of those ways is through our directors . And as your spiritual director , I 'm telling you that God wants you to go home . " I burst into racking sobs then . I just couldn 't understand ! How could God call me to a place and then force me out of it again ? Why couldn 't God be bothered to speak to me himself ? Why did I get one feeling from God , and another feeling from God 's instrument ? She told me not to tell anyone else , because it would only upset them . And then she gave me a box of Kleenex , told me to go to the next activity when I had calmed down , and left . I cried alone in the empty room for a long time , and then finally went on with my day . Soon I let my family know , and my mother cried with me . She bought me a ticket to come home ten days later . I found out I would be leaving on the 15th of August , and on the 25th , I would be on a plane home . Those ten days were misery . I loved my classmates so much , despite all the distance we were forced to keep with one another . We had gone through a lot together , and we knew more about each other than we ever said . I knew I 'd never again have friends like those . All I wanted was to tell them I was leaving and tell them I still cared about them , but I was not allowed . I knew people left sometimes . Some people I 'd really liked had done it . I assumed it was of their own choice , because obviously they wouldn 't be kicked out if they wanted to stay ! And I assumed they had chosen not to say goodbye . We 'd been told not to write to them , either , because it would get in the way of their discernment of God 's new plan for them . So I never did , though I badly wanted to . I just assumed that they were happy where they were . Now I knew this was false , but I couldn 't tell anyone about it ! All I did for those ten days was go through the motions and cry a lot . My main thought was , " I loved God , and he rejected me because I am not good enough . " I did get to speak to Caroline and ask her why I was being sent home . Sally had told me she was the one to ask , so I swallowed my fear and made an appointment with her . She told me that I was too " up in the clouds , " and being at home would ground me . She said I was too sensitive , and knocking around with the " rough " people at home would toughen me up . She said that this wasn 't necessarily permanent ; that I could come back next year if I made the necessary improvement . Then she recommended I read How to Win Friends and Influence People , and sent me on my way with a jaunty smile and a thumbs - up . I held on to the hope that I might return someday like a life raft . She had given me enough hope to survive on , and I felt kindly toward her for the first time ever . The day chosen for my departure was a day of silent retreat , so no one would notice I was gone until I was in the air . Sally and another consecrated prepared me a snack for the plane and drove me to the airport . Sally finally gave me a commitment card and explained to me what I would have to do to follow my Regnum Christi commitments . She told me that my Regnum Christi section back in Seattle would look up to me because I 'd had so much special training . I would have a lot of work to do to build up RC in my home town . Then the two consecrated stood and waved while I walked through security and away . It was a big relief when I found my friend from the summer program was already at the airport , having been dropped off in an earlier van run , and that she would be on my flight . I told her everything and she hugged me understandingly . I honestly don 't know what I would have done without her . But on the long flight to Seattle , I sat alone , sobbing for the whole six hours . When I arrived home , I was completely empty and emotionless . I felt I had nothing left I could feel . It was late already and I was exhausted . My family met me at the airport with flowers , but I felt so dead I didn 't even want to greet them , and I stiffened up when they tried to hug me . It seems like everyone I know nursed straight through pregnancy and then tandem nursed afterwards . ( Tandem nursing is nursing two children during the same time period . ) I know that isn 't true . The ones who weaned during pregnancy just never happened to mention it , because it 's the more common thing to do . But as I read my blogs each day , I keep on coming across more and more about nursing during pregnancy and tandem nursing . Assuring me that it 's okay . Assuring me that it 's normal . Assuring me that it is totally the best thing to do . Articles like this one and this one and this one . I understand that . It 's not as common a choice as it seems from my point of view , and those who do it often don 't know anyone else who does . They think they have to wean when they get pregnant , and the fact is , they don 't . They can if they want to , or they can choose not to . You never have to wean as long as everything 's normal . Nursing never becomes physically or psychologically damaging . The length of an average nursing relationship is cultural : some cultures , like the ! Kung in Africa , do it for four years or more . In Biblical times , three years was taken as pretty standard . And in Mongolia , sometimes the youngest child nurses till six or seven because no one really cares if they do . Sooner or later , whether you do anything about it or not , every child weans . At the very latest , when their permanent teeth start coming it , they lose their latch . No child ever graduated from high school still breastfeeding . So there 's no need to worry . However , sometimes mothers just don 't want to wait six or seven years to be done nursing . . . especially if they have other children ! There are so many reasons why mothers choose to wean . Just the other day a woman was asking for advice online because she had to wean her toddler to get back on medication she needed . Some women demanded , " Will you die without it ? Then why are you forcing her to wean ? " I don 't think that 's fair at all . Making the sacrifice of going without a needed medication for a whole yearPosted by Changes were pretty frequent during those years . The school was still relatively new - - I think less than ten years old - - and we were still working out what the rules would be . So we would be called into the conference room and told , " Spiritual direction is now spiritual guidance , " or " Section I and Section II are now called ECYD Section and Regnum Christi Section , " or " Your ' face - to - face ' is now your ' PC Prospect . ' " Those ones weren 't that big of a deal . We would just have to start using the new word right away , and never use the old word anymore . We also weren 't supposed to talk about the change , because that would open things up to complaints . And we must never complain about changes , because that 's just part of being co - founders . The hardest changes to cope with were the yellow letters , or new destinations for the consecrated . We would get the announcement that a person was leaving , and be told who her replacement would be . If the replacement was there already ( and she usually was , so that the announcement was expected ) , the change was effective immediately . Again , there could be no comparing of the old person with the new person . We would all miss the old person , of course , but comparing the two implies criticism of the old person , so we weren 't allowed to do it . On this particular day , we were called into the conference room by our director , Maria Brackett . ( This is her real name : the school only ever had two directors , so there would be no point in trying to disguise her identity . ) I was pretty scared of Maria . She was very tall and had a rather frightening smile . At 33 , she was one of the older consecrated women there . She was never harsh with me in any way , but I was still intimidated by her . However , when I had gotten a new haircut ( finally cutting my hair short to be like the consecrated women , as most of us did ) , she took me up to her room with several of the other consecrated , where they styled my hair . It was a very big deal for me , being fussed over like that , and I had liked her well enough after that - - though I was still a bit shy of her . Anyway , her announcement was a huge shock to the entire school . She was leaving . She had gotten a new destination to go to Spain , and she would be leaving in a few days . Then she introduced to us our new director , Caroline Wilders . Caroline was a little older than Maria , I thought she was very pretty . She also had a delicious British accent and could also speak French . She had been a doctor . While girls around me sobbed at the loss of their beloved Maria , I could only think , " Surely things will be much better now . " She just seemed so nice . Unfortunately , I kept embarrassing myself around her the first week she was there . I loved her accent , but every time I was trying to imitate it ( in admiration , not to make fun ) , she always seemed to appear right behind me . I even accidentally made fun of her one day , right to her face . At the time , I thought she would think I was immature and silly . It didn 't occur to me then , though it does now , that she might have thought I was angry Maria had left and was talking trash about her to the other girls . In any event it was a poor start . Then we had our first outing with Caroline . I really tried to do my best , because I was sure she 'd already been informed about me and my issues . I wanted to prove to her that I wasn 't so bad as all that , that I was trying my very hardest . But about halfway through the basketball game we were playing , I started wearing out . I slowed down and started jogging instead of running down the court . . . and then walking . I kept trying to spur myself to go harder , but it just wasn 't in me . So Caroline noticed immediately and pulled me aside . I assumed she would say something kind and motivating , but she laid into me right away . " Don 't you love God at all ? Why aren 't you doing your best ? " I started to cry in shock and hurt . " No alligator tears , " she said . " That may have worked before , but it won 't work with me . " That wasn 't the end of my problems with Caroline . . . but first I 've got to tell you about something else that happened . I believe it was that spring , the spring of 2002 . It was when we got a visit from our founder , Fr . Marcial Maciel . We didn 't call him that , though - - we called him Nuestro Padre , that is , " our father . " We knew all about him , having heard stories of his saintliness and wisdom on almost a daily basis . We read his letters every day , and there were several pictures of him around the school . We heard about his amazing piety as a child , his love of sacrifice as an adult , and his heroism in founding this amazing gift to the Church , the Legion of Christ and Regnum Christi . Some of the stories bordered on the unbelievable - - how he had foretold things before they happened , how he could read your soul ( even through a letter , by analyzing your handwriting ! ) and how he didn 't speak any English because he 'd forgotten it when he 'd had a brain tumor removed . People went on pilgrimages to his old hometown , Cotija de la Paz , in Mexico . He was our hero . I had always felt kind of iffy about such superlative praise for a human being , and one who wasn 't even dead yet . But I was told that " all movements feel this way about their founders " and that God had sent him to us to found the movement we were in , so we could only learn about God 's will from him . The frequent changes we had to deal with were all because of him fine - tuning the movement he had created in line with God 's revelation to him . And when I had decided to hand over all of my doubts about Regnum Christi and accept everything I was told whole - heartedly ( because if it was God 's will for me to be there , everything that happened to me there was God 's will too ) , I made it a point to accept those parts , too . I didn 't understand everything , but I didn 't have to . I just had to make the choice to believe it all . So when we heard he would be visiting us , we were all incredibly excited . Classes were canceled while we cleaned the school from top to bottom . The choir practiced and practiced ( and my spiritual director , the choir director , berated us constantly until I cried ) . Everything had to be perfect . Finally he arrived and we all gathered in the conference room to hear him speak . I was disappointed . Many of our pictures of him were out of date , and showed him either as a handsome young man , or at least a respectable old man . But the version we got was ancient and jowly . He had a bowl of hard candy in front of him , which he popped continuously , and he sat with his legs crossed ( which Legionaries never do ) . It was such a let - down after all the handsome , professional priests who had come to speak to us before . His talk was the same . Someone was translating , but I could understand the original too . It was just a meandering flow of words . . . none of that fire and passion of his letters , or of the other Legionaries . I didn 't feel at all inspired . But I treasured up every word , in the hopes of finding something that meant something to me . Surely I could walk away with a sentence to tell the others when we rehashed everything later - - some special word that God had meant just for me . I got some notes down , but nothing that seemed particularly special . And then , the moment everyone was waiting for . We were all going to go up and kiss his hand . He was going to give each of us a rosary . I was excited as everyone else . Surely I would be able to detect the glow of holiness when I was at close range . Maybe he would look at me and I would know his faded blue eyes were reading my soul . It was a little scary ! But nothing particular happened . I got my rosary , I kissed his hand , but didn 't feel anything special . Some other girls did manage to exchange a few words with him , but I had been too shy . Still , I got the rosary , and I clutched it to my heart , thinking , " I will have a relic of him when he becomes a saint ! " Those of you who know the things that came out later are probably feeling a little sick right now . I know I am . After he died , it was discovered that he was a fraud . He definitely had mistresses , and he probably abused little boys under his care as well . There was no halo to be seen because there was no holiness there . I have no doubt that he was once as charismatic as people say . But when old age robbed him of his charisma , there wasn 't a whole lot left to admire . I 'm getting ahead of myself , though . At the time , though I had heard that " evil people " had said " terrible things " about our founder , I knew that this was because they were jealous and hated the work God was doing through him . It seemed obvious to me that these were false , because why would so many good people believe him and trust him unless he were really a good man ? No , I assumed my lack of a spiritual experience when I saw him was simply my own unworthiness . Two weeks ago , I had a lot of plans for how I would do things during this pregnancy . Since I wasn 't sick , I wasn 't too concerned about just getting by . My goals were to wean Marko , at a pace he would accept , and to teach him a better way to go to sleep . No rush , though , because stroller walks were working fine ! I soon was only nursing about once a day , at no particular time , and stroller - walking to sleep at naptime and bedtime . That was right when the morning sickness struck , and hard . We were out and about a lot - - three parties that week , and two days with my in - laws . And it was fun , but I just felt awful . So tired and so sick . I could barely eat anything , but the less I ate , the worse I felt . I slacked off on taking my vitamins , too , so that didn 't help . And I was exhausted , because I had been napping each day up till then , but couldn 't nap much that week . The following week was more restful , but the sickness remained . It was just so awful . Meanwhile sleep was getting harder . Two stroller walks a day is a lot , especially when it 's taking Marko longer and longer to go to sleep . And the weather was beginning to get worse . Then , two nights in a row , Marko absolutely refused to get in the stroller at all . We could roll him through the neighborhood howling , or give up - - which is what we did . John was eventually able to get him to sleep by walking around with him in his room . But that wasn 't going to work long - term , either . Marko has no interest whatsoever in going to sleep that way with me . I guess my shoulders aren 't big enough or I haven 't got the trick of bouncing right . He just screams " Daddy , Daddy " the whole time . Only John is not always available at bedtime . . . so what now ? I have sometimes had luck getting him to sleep by lying down with him and singing . . . like , twice . At naptime only . Bedtime is harder , and we were already struggling against a confused sleep schedule . The only way to get him to sleep when his schedule is confused is to use a sure - fire method he is accustomed to - - only our old method is broPosted by Seeker . Mother . Writer . Gardener . Whoever it 's from , this vast universe is a gift and I am trying to say thank you every day . |
The boy hissed monsieur , monsieur , until Fred would have been happy to kick him . The wisest policy was to ignore the beggars . They went away quicker if you just didn 't look at them . Once they were inside the room , Fred locked the door . He was trembling and short of breath . Mrs . Richmond made him sit down and sponged his fevered brow with cold water . In the morning the man with the red fez always brought them coffee and toast on a tray . He would ask them how it goes , and Mrs . Richmond , who had some French , would say it goes well . The hotel always served the same kind of jam , plum jam . That eventually became so tiresome that Mrs . Richmond went out and bought their own jar of strawberry jam , but in a little while that was just as tiresome as the plum jam . Then they alternated , having plum jam one day , and strawberry jam the next . They wouldn 't have taken their breakfasts in the hotel at all , except for the money it saved . " I think I 'm sick again . It was that funny stew we had last night . Didn 't I tell you ? Why don 't you go out and get the newspaper this morning ? " So Fred went , by himself , to the newsstand on the corner . It had neither the Times nor the Tribune . There weren 't even the usual papers from London . Fred went to the magazine store nearby the Marhaba , the big luxury hotel . On the way someone tried to sell him a gold watch . It seemed to Fred that everyone in Morocco was trying to sell gold watches . The magazine store still had copies of the Times from last week . Fred had read those papers already . " Where is today 's Times ? " he asked loudly , in English . The local French newspaper , La Vigie Marocaine , had black , portentous headlines , which Fred could not decipher . Fred spoke " four languages : English , Irish , Scottish , and American . " With only those languages , he insisted , one could be understood anywhere in the free world . " Good , good , " the waiter said . Nevertheless , he looked saddened . He seemed to want to say something to Fred , but his English was very limited . It was amazing , to Fred , that he had had to come halfway around the world to discover the best damned ice - cream sundaes he 'd ever tasted . Instead of going to bars , the young men of the town went to ice - cream parlors , like this , just as they had in Fred 's youth , in Iowa , during Prohibition . It had something to do , here in Casablanca , with the Moslem religion . A ragged shoeshine boy came in and asked to shine Fred 's shoes , which were very well shined already . Fred looked out the plate - glass window to the travel agency across the street . The boy hissed monsieur , monsieur , until Fred would have been happy to kick him . The wisest policy was to ignore the beggars . They went away quicker if you just didn 't look at them . The travel agency displayed a poster showing a pretty young blonde , rather like Doris Day , in a cowboy costume . It was a poster for Pan American airlines . At last the shoeshine boy went away . Fred 's face was flushed with stifled anger . His sparse white hair made the redness of the flesh seem all the brighter , like a winter sunset . A grown man came into the ice - cream parlor with a bundle of newspapers , French newspapers . Despite his lack of French , Fred could understand the headlines . He bought a copy for twenty francs and went back to the hotel , leaving half the sundae uneaten . The minute he was in the door , Mrs . Richmond cried out , " Isn 't it terrible ? " She had a copy of the paper already spread out on the bed . " It doesn 't say anything about Cleveland . " Cleveland was where Nan , the Richmonds ' married daughter , lived . There was no point in wondering about their own home . It was in Florida , within fifty miles of the Cape , and they 'd always known that if there were a war it would be one of the first places to go . " The dirty reds ! " Fred said , flushing . His wife began to cry . " Goddamn them to hell . What did the newspaper say ? How did it start ? " Fred paged through La Vigie Marocaine helplessly , looking for pictures . Except for the big cutout of a mushroom cloud on the front page and a stock picture on the second of the president in a cowboy hat , there were no photos . He tried to read the lead story but it made no sense . Fred wanted to tear the paper into ribbons . To calm himself he poured a shot from the pint of bourbon he kept in the dresser . Then he went out into the hall and called through the locked door to the W . C . : " Well , I 'll bet we knocked hell out of them at least . " Well , here we are in romantic Casablanca , where the old and the new come together . There are palm trees growing on the boulevard outside our hotel window and sometimes it seems that we never left Florida at all . In Marrakesh we bought presents for you and Billy , which you should get in time for Christmas if the mails are good . Wouldn 't you like to know what 's in those packages ! But you 'll just have to wait till Christmas ! You should thank God every day , darling , that you live in America . If you could only see the poor Moroccan children , begging on the streets . They aren 't able to go to school , and many of them don 't even have shoes or warm clothes . And don 't think it doesn 't get cold here , even if it is Africa ! You and Billy don 't know how lucky you are ! On the train ride to Marrakesh we saw the farmers plowing their fields in December . Each plow has one donkey and one camel . That would probably be an interesting fact for you to tell your geography teacher in school . Casablanca is wonderfully exciting , and I often wish that you and Billy were here to enjoy it with us . Someday , perhaps ! Be good remember it will be Christmas soon . There 's no use pretending any more with you ! You saw it in my first letter before I even knew my own feelings . es , Morocco has been a terrible disappointment . ou wouldn 't believe some of the things that have happened . or instance , it is almost impossible to mail a package out of this country ! will have to wait till we get to Spain , therefore , to send Billy and Midge their Xmas presents . etter not tell B & M that , however ! Marrakesh was terrible . Fred and I got lost in the native quarter , and we thought we 'd never escape ! The filth is unbelievable , but if I talk about that it will only make me ill . After our experience on " the wrong side of the tracks , " I wouldn 't leave our hotel . Fred got very angry , and we took the train back to Casablanca the same night . At least there are decent restaurants in Casablanca . You can get a very satisfactory French - type dinner for about $ 1 . 00 . After all this you won 't believe me when I tell you that we 're going to stay here two more weeks . That 's when the next boat leaves for Spain . Two more weeks ! ! ! Fred says , take an airplane , but you know me . And I 'll be d ed if I 'll take a trip on the local railroad with all our luggage , which is the only other way . I 've finished the one book I brought along , and now I have nothing to read but newspapers . They are printed up in Paris and have mostly the news from India and Angola , which I find too depressing , and the political news from Europe , which I can 't ever keep up with . Who is Chancellor Zucker and what does he have to do with the war in India ? I say , if people would just sit down and try to understand each other , most of the world 's so - called problems would disappear . Well , that 's my opinion , but I have to keep it to myself , or Fred gets an apoplexy . You know Fred ! He says , drop a bomb on Red China and to H with it ! G od old Fred ! I hope you and Dan are both fine and dan - dy , and I hope B & M are coming along in school . We were both excited to hear about Billy 's A in geography . Fred says it 's due to all the stories he 's told Billy about our travels . Maybe he 's right for once ! " It 's so strange , " Mrs . Richmond observed at lunch at their restaurant . " I can 't believe it really happened . Nothing has changed here . You 'd think it would make more of a difference . " So , after lunch , they went to the telegraph office , which was in the main post office , and filled out a form . The message they finally agreed on was : IS EVERYONE WELL QUESTION WAS CLEVELAND HIT QUESTION RETURN REPLY REQUESTED . It cost eleven dollars to send off , one dollar a word . The post office wouldn 't accept a traveler 's check , so while Mrs . Richmond waited at the desk , Fred went across the street to the Bank of Morocco to cash it there . The teller behind the grille looked at Fred 's check doubtfully and asked to see his passport . He brought check and passport into an office at the back of the bank . Fred grew more and more peeved as the time wore on and nothing was done . He was accustomed to being treated with respect , at least . The teller returned with a portly gentleman not much younger than Fred himself . He wore a striped suit with a flower in his buttonhole . " What do you mean ? I 've cashed checks here before . Look , I 've noted it down : on November 28 , forty dollars ; on December 1 , twenty dollars . " " I 'm sorry , Mr . Richmon , it is not possible for us to cash your checks . Thank you very much . " He turned to go . The manager examined the receipt . " Non , non , non , " he said , shaking his head . He handed Fred , instead of his receipt , the new bill . " I 'll take that receipt back , thank you very much . " The manager smiled and backed away from Fred . Fred acted without thinking . He grabbed the manager 's wrist and pried the receipt out of his fingers . The manager shouted words at him in Arabic . Fred took the key for their room , 216 , off its hook behind the desk . Then he took his wife by the elbow and led her up the stairs . The man with the red fez came running down the stairs to do the manager 's bidding . Once they were inside the room , Fred locked the door . He was trembling and short of breath . Mrs . Richmond made him sit down and sponged his fevered brow with cold water . Five minutes later , a little slip of paper slid in under the door . It was the bill . " Look at this ! " he exclaimed . " Forty dirham a day . Eight dollars ! That son of a bitch . " The regular per diem rate for the room was twenty dirham , and the Richmonds , by taking it for a fortnight , had bargained it down to fifteen . " He saw that receipt , didn 't he ? He made out that receipt himself . You know why he 's doing it . Because of what 's happened . Now I won 't be able to cash my travelers ' checks here either . That son of a bitch ! " " Don 't you now - Freddy me ! I know what I 'm going to do . I 'm going to the American Consulate and register a complaint . " " That 's a good idea , but not today , Freddy . Let 's stay inside until tomorrow . We 're both too tired and upset . Tomorrow we can go there together . Maybe they 'll know something about Cleveland by then . " Mrs . Richmond was prevented from giving further council by a new onset of her illness . She went out into the hall , but returned almost immediately . " The door into the toilet is padlocked , " she said . Her eyes were wide with terror . She had just begun to understand what was happening . · · · · · That night , after a frugal dinner of olives , cheese sandwiches , and figs , Mrs . Richmond tried to look on the bright side . " Actually we 're very lucky , " she said , " to be here , instead of there , when it happened . At least we 're alive . We should thank God for being alive . " The bourbon was all gone . It was dark , and outside , across the square , a billboard advertising Olympic Bleue cigarettes ( C ' est mieux ! ) winked on and off , as it had on all other nights of their visit to Casablanca . Nothing here seemed to have been affected by the momentous events across the ocean . Fred was staring out the window , wondering what it had been like : had the sky been filled with planes ? Were they still fighting on the ground in India and Angola ? What did Florida look like now ? He had always wanted to build a bomb shelter in their backyard in Florida , but his wife had been against it . Now it would be impossible to know which of them had been right . He looked at his watch , which was always right . " Eleven o ' clock , Bulova watch time . " It was an Accutron that his company , Iowa Mutual Life , had presented to him at retirement . There was , in the direction of the waterfront , a din of shouting and clashing metal . As it grew louder , Fred could see the head of a ragged parade advancing up the boulevard . He pulled down the lath shutters over the windows till there was just a narrow slit to watch the parade through . " Some kind of statue , or scarecrow . You can 't tell who it 's meant to be . Someone in a cowboy hat , looks like . I 'll bet they 're Commies . " When the mob of demonstrators reached the square over which the Belmonte Hotel looked , they turned to the left , toward the larger luxury hotels , the Marhaba and El Mansour . They were banging cymbals together and beating drums and blowing on loud horns that sounded like bagpipes . Instead of marching in rows , they did a sort of whirling , skipping dance step . Once they 'd turned the corner , Fred couldn 't see any more of them . The Richmonds slept together in the same bed that evening for the first time in several months . The noise of the demonstration continued , off and on , nearer or farther away , for several hours . This too set the evening apart from other evenings , for Casablanca was usually very quiet , surprisingly so , after ten o ' clock at night . · · · · · The office of the American Consul seemed to have been bombed . The front door was broken off its hinges , and Fred entered , after some reluctance , to find all the downstairs rooms empty of furniture , the carpets torn away , the moldings pried from the walls . The files of the consulate had been emptied out and the contents burned in the center of the largest room . Leaving the building , he discovered a piece of typing paper nailed to the deranged door . It read : " All Americans in Morocco , whether of tourist or resident status , are advised to leave the country until the present crisis is over . The Consul cannot guarantee the safety of those who choose to remain . " By noonday the center of the town was aswarm with Americans . Fred hadn 't realized there had been so many in Casablanca . What were they doing here ? Where had they kept themselves hidden ? Most of the Americans were on their way to the airport , their cars piled high with luggage . Some said they were bound for England , others for Germany . Spain , they claimed , wouldn 't be safe , though it was probably safer than Morocco . They were brusque with Fred to the point of rudeness . He returned to the hotel room , where Mrs . Richmond was waiting for him . They had agreed that one of them must always be in the room . As Fred went up the stairs the manager tried to hand him another bill . " I will call the police , " he threatened . Fred was too angry to reply . He wanted to hit the man in the nose and stamp on his ridiculous spectacles . If he 'd been five years younger he might have done so . " They 've cut off the water , " Mrs . Richmond announced dramatically after she 'd admitted her husband to the room . " And the man with the red hat tried to get in , but I had the chain across the door , thank heaven . We can 't wash or use the bidet . I don 't know what will happen . I 'm afraid . " She wouldn 't listen to anything Fred said about the Consulate . " We 've got to take a plane , " he insisted . " To England . All the other Americans are going there . There was a sign on the door of the Con " " No , Fred . No , not a plane . You won 't make me get into an airplane . I 've gone twenty years without that , and I won 't start now . " " I refuse to talk about it . And don 't you shout at me , Fred Richmond . We 'll sail when the boat sails , and that 's that ! Now , let 's be practical , shall we ? The first thing that we have to do is for you to go out and buy some bottled water . Four bottles , and bread , and o , you 'll never remember everything . 'll write out a list . " " It was all the money I had . They won 't cash my checks . Not at the bank , not at the Marhaba , not anywhere . " There were flecks of violet in his red , dirty face , and his voice was hoarse . He had been shouting hours long . Mrs . Richmond used half the bottle of soda to wash off his face . Then she made sandwiches of cheese and strawberry jam , all the while maintaining a steady stream of conversation on cheerful topics . She was afraid her husband would have a stroke . On Thursday the twelfth , the day before their scheduled sailing , Fred went to the travel agency to find out what pier their ship had docked in . He was informed that the sailing had been canceled permanently . The ship , a Yugoslav freighter , had been in Norfolk on December 4 . The agency politely refunded the price of the tickets in American dollars . " But you paid in dollars , Mr . Richmond . " The agent spoke with a fussy , overprecise accent that annoyed Fred more than an honest French accent . " You paid in American Express Travelers ' checks . " " I 'll give you one to one . How about that ? One dirham for one dollar . " He did not even become angry at being forced to make so unfair a suggestion . He had been through this same scene too many times at banks , at stores , with people off the street . " The government has forbidden us to trade in American money , Mr . Richmond . I am truly sorry that I cannot help you . If you would be interested to purchase an airplane ticket , however , I can accept money for that . If you have enough . " " You don 't leave much choice , do you ? " ( He thought : She will be furious . ) " What will it cost for two tickets to London ? " The agent named a price . Fred flared up . " That 's highway robbery . Why , that 's more than the first - class to New York City ! " Grimly , Fred signed away his travelers ' checks to pay for the tickets . It took all his checks and all but fifty dollars of the refunded money . His wife , however , had her own bundle of American Express checks that hadn 't even been touched yet . He examined the tickets , which were printed in French . " What does this say here ? When does it leave ? " " I 'm sorry . You should be quite happy that we can sell you these tickets . If it weren 't for the fact that our main office is in Paris , and that they 've directed that Americans be given priority on all Pan Am flights , we wouldn 't be able to . " " I see . The thing is this I 'm in rather a tight spot . obody , not even the banks , will take American money . his is our last night at the hotel , and if we have to stay over Friday night as well . " " I 'm sorry , Mr . Richmond . I have a watch of my own . " Fred , with the tickets securely tucked into his passport case , went out through the thick glass door . He would have liked to have a sundae at the ice - cream parlor across the street , but he couldn 't afford it . He couldn 't afford anything unless he was able to sell his watch . They had lived the last week out of what he 'd got for the alarm clock and the electric shaver . Now there was nothing left . When Fred was at the corner , he heard someone calling his name . " Mr . Richmond . Mr . Richmond , sir . " It was the agent . Shyly he held out a ten dirham note and three fives . Fred took the money and handed him the watch . The agent put Fred 's Accutron on his wrist beside his old watch . He smiled and offered Fred his hand to shake . Fred walked away , ignoring the outstretched hand . · · · · · Mrs . Richmond wasn 't in the room . Instead , the man in the red fez was engaged in packing all their clothes and toilet articles into the three suitcases . " Hey ! " Fred shouted . " What do you think you 're doing ? Stop that ! " " Where is my wife ? " he demanded of the manager . " This is an outrage . " He began to swear . The man in the red fez returned to packing the bags . Fred made a determined effort to calm himself . He could not risk a stroke . After all , he reasoned with himself , whether they spent one or two nights in the airport waiting room wouldn 't make that much difference . So he chased the man in the red fez away and finished the packing himself . When he was done , he rang for the porter , and the man in the red fez returned and helped him carry the bags downstairs . He waited in the dark lobby for his wife to return , using the largest of the suitcases for a stool . She had probably gone to " their " restaurant , some blocks away , where they were still allowed to use the W . C . The owner of the restaurant couldn 't understand why they didn 't take their meals there any more and didn 't want to offend them , hoping , perhaps , that they would come back . While he waited , Fred occupied the time by trying to remember the name of the Englishman who had been a supper guest at their house in Florida three years before . It was a strange name that was not pronounced at all the way that it was spelled . At intervals he would go out into the street to try and catch a sight of his wife returning to the hotel . Whenever he tried to ask the manager where she had gone , the man would renew his shrill complaint . Fred became desperate . She was taking altogether too long . He telephoned the restaurant . The owner of the restaurant understood enough English to be able to tell him that she had not visited his W . C . all that day . Fred took out his passport and waved it in the policeman 's face . " This is my passport , " he shouted . " My wife is missing . Doesn 't somebody here speak English ? Somebody must speak English . Ing - lish ! " The policeman , a scrawny , mustached man , grabbed Fred by the neck of his coat and led him forcibly into another room and down a long , unlighted corridor that smelled of urine . Fred didn 't realize , until he had been thrust into the room , that it was a cell . The door that closed behind him was made not of bars , but of sheet metal nailed over wood . There was no light in the room , no air . He screamed , he kicked at the door and pounded on it with his fists until he had cut a deep gash into the side of his palm . He stopped to suck the blood , fearful of blood poisoning . He could , when his eyes had adjusted to the darkness , see a little of the room about him . It was not much larger than Room 216 at the Belmonte , but it contained more people than Fred could count . They were heaped all along the walls , an indiscriminate tumble of rags and filth , old men and young men , a wretched assembly . His wife had not returned . The three suitcases , for a wonder , were still sitting where he had left them . The manager insisted that he leave the lobby , and Fred did not protest . The Richmonds ' time at the hotel had expired , and Fred didn 't have the money for another night , even at the old rate . Outside , he did not know what to do . He stood on the curbside , trying to decide . His pants were wrinkled , and he feared ( though he could not smell it himself ) that he stank of the prison cell . The traffic policeman in the center of the square began giving him funny looks . He was afraid of the policeman , afraid of being returned to the cell . He hailed a taxi and directed the driver to go to the airport . The waiting room was filled with people , though few seemed to be Americans . The stench of the close air was almost as bad as it had been in the cell . There were no porters , and he could not move through the crowd , so he set the suitcases down just outside the entrance and seated himself on the largest bag . A man in an olive - drab uniform with a black beret asked , in French , to see his passport . " Votre passeport , " he repeated patiently , until Fred had understood . He examined each page with a great show of suspicion , but eventually he handed it back . " Do you speak English ? " Fred asked him then . He thought , because of the different uniform , that he might not be one of the city police . He answered with a stream of coarse Arabic gabbling . Perhaps , Fred told himself , she will come out here to look for me . But why , after all , should she ? He should have remained outside the hotel . He imagined himself safely in England , telling his story to the American Consul there . He imagined the international repercussions it would have . What had been the name of that Englishman he knew ? He had lived in London . It began with C or Ch . An attractive middle - aged woman sat down on the other end of his suitcase and began speaking in rapid French , making quick gestures , like karate chops , with her well - groomed hand . She was trying to explain something to him , but of course he couldn 't understand her . She broke into tears . Fred couldn 't even offer her his handkerchief , because it was dirty from last night . It was only , after all , a shoeshine boy . He had already begun to brush Fred 's shoes , which were , he could see , rather dirty . He pushed the boy away . Yet he couldn 't leave Casablanca without his wife . Could he ? But if he did stay , what was he to do , if the police would not listen to him ? At about ten o ' clock the waiting room grew quiet . All that day no planes had entered or left the airfield . Everyone here was waiting for tomorrow 's plane to London . How were so many people , and so much luggage , to fit on one plane , even the largest jet ? Did they all have tickets ? When he woke the next morning , he found that his passport and the two tickets had been stolen from his breast pocket . He still had his billfold , because he had slept on his back . It contained nine dirham . · · · · · Christmas morning , Fred went out and treated himself to an ice - cream sundae . Nobody seemed to be celebrating the holiday in Casablanca . Most of the shops in the ancient medina ( where Fred had found a hotel room for three dirham a day ) were open for business , while in the European quarter one couldn 't tell if the stores were closed permanently or just for the day . Going past the Belmonte , Fred stopped , as was his custom , to ask after his wife . The manager was very polite and said that nothing was known of Mrs . Richmond . The police had her description now . When at last he did have his sundae , it didn 't seem quite as good as he had remembered . There was so little of it ! He sat down for an hour with his empty dish , watching the drizzling rain . He was alone in the ice - cream parlor . The windows of the travel agency across the street were covered up by a heavy metal shutter , from which the yellow paint was flaking . Fred was by no means alone in the plaza . A number of figures in heavy wooden djelabas , with hoods over their heads , stood or sat on benches , or strolled in circles on the gravel paths . The djelabas made ideal raincoats red had sold his own London Fog three days before for twenty dirham . e was getting better prices for his things now that he had learned to count in French . At noon the whistle blew in the handsome tower at the end of the plaza , from the top of which one could see all of Casablanca in every direction . Fred took out the cheese sandwich from the pocket of his suit coat and ate it , a little bit at a time . Then he took out the chocolate bar with almonds . His mouth began to water . The boy kept whistling those meaningless words at him . His gaze was fixed on Fred 's chocolate bar . Fred pushed him away with the side of his foot . The boy grabbed for the candy . Fred struck him on the side of the head . The chocolate bar fell to the ground , not far from the boy 's callused feet . The boy lay on his side , whimpering . It was a clear - cut case of thievery . He was furious . He had a right to be furious . Standing up to his full height , his foot came down accidentally on the boy 's rubbishy shoeshine box . The wood splintered . " You asked for this , " Fred said . He kicked the boy in the ribs . The boy rolled with the blow , as though he were not unused to such treatment . " Little beggar ! Thief ! " Fred screamed . Fred 's face was violet and red , and his white hair , in need of a trim , straggled down over his flushed forehead . He had not noticed , while he was beating the boy , the group of Arabs , or Moslems , or whatever they were , that had gathered around him to watch . Fred could not read the expressions on their dark , wrinkly faces . " Did you see that ? " he asked loudly . " Did you see what that little thief tried to do ? Did you see him try to steal my candy bar ? " One of the men , in a long djelaba striped with brown , said something to Fred that sounded like so much gargling . Another , younger man , in European dress , struck Fred in the face . Fred teetered backward . " Now see here ! " He had no time to tell them he was an American citizen . The next blow caught him in the mouth , and he fell to the ground . Once he was lying on his back , the older men joined in in kicking him . Some kicked him in the ribs , others in his head , still others had to content themselves with his legs . Curiously , nobody went for his groin . The shoeshine boy watched from a distance , and when Fred was unconscious , came forward and removed his shoes . The young man who had first hit him removed his suit coat and his belt . Wisely , Fred had left his billfold behind at his hotel . When he woke , he was sitting on the bench again . A policeman was addressing him in Arabic . Fred shook his head uncomprehendingly . His back hurt dreadfully , from when he had fallen to the ground . The policeman addressed him in French . He shivered . Their kicks had not damaged him so much as he had expected . Except for the young man , they had worn slippers instead of shoes . His face experienced only a dull ache , but there was blood all down the front of his shirt , and his mouth tasted of blood . He was cold , very cold . At just that moment , Fred remembered the name of the Englishman who had had supper in his house in Florida . It was Cholmondeley , and it was pronounced Chum - ly . He was still unable to remember his London address . Only when he tried to stand did he realize that his shoes were gone . The gravel hurt the tender soles of his bare feet . Fred was mortally certain that the shoeshine boy had stolen his shoes . He sat back down on the bench with a groan . He hoped to hell he 'd hurt the goddamn little son of a bitch . He hoped to hell he had . He grated his teeth together , wishing that he could get hold of him again . The little beggar . He 'd kick him this time so that he 'd remember it . The goddamn dirty little red beggar . He 'd kick his face in . |
When I started this blog my daughter had a best friend named Dora . Dora lived with us . Dora was invisible . When I told my daughter , I was going to start a blog of stories for her , she asked me to write stories for Dora . So we called this blog Stories for Dora . Now , that my daughter has outgrown Dora , she has reclaimed her blog and we have changed the name to Stories for Aurella . So here are stories for my daughter and you . Skyler Billings loved many things . She loved rainbows and flowers . She loved puppies and kittens . She loved dolls and stuffed animals . She loved her Mom and Dad and her older sister . Most of all , Skyler loved Daisy Dewdrop . Daisy Dewdrop and the Flower Fairy Girls was her favorite TV show in the whole world . Skyler watched Daisy Dewdrop every day . She had Daisy Dewdrop dolls and Daisy Dewdrop toys and Daisy Dewdrop clothes . Skyler 's older sister , Sara always said that if they came out with Daisy Dewdrop toliet paper , Skyler would want that too . Skyler didn 't deny it . She considered it a goal to have every single Daisy Dewdrop item in the world . She loved that it seemed like they came out with a new Daisy Dewdrop item every day , but it made it so hard to keep up . Daisy Dewdrop was so wonderful . How could anybody not love her ? Their Mom patted Sara on the back and smiled . " Don 't worry . " she said . " She 'll outgrow it . " Sara couldn 't imagine that . She couldn 't remember a time when Daisy Dewdrop wasn 't a part of the their lives , and she was so tired of it . She grabbed her stuff and headed for her room . At first Skyler 's friends were into Daisy Dewdrop too . After a while though , they moved on to other things . " Don 't you want to watch the Purple Puppy and Calico Kitty show ? " asked her friend Amy one day . " It 's new and it 's such a great show . " Amy sighed . " I guess I 'll see you around . " she said ' " I 've gotta go home . " After a while , Amy stopped coming around . Soon so did Skyler 's other friends . " Oh nothing . " replied Skyler . She looked away because she didn 't want Mommy to see how badly she really felt , but she just couldn 't hold back the tears . Mommy scooped up Skyler on her lap . " My poor baby . " she said . " You can tell Mommy . " " I 'm sure that is not true . " said Mommy . " Let 's talk about it . " Skyler told Mommy everything that had happened . " Hmm . " said Mommy as Skyler finished talking . " I don 't thing that it 's you that they are sick of . I think it 's Daisy Dewdrop . " Skyler opened her mouth widely and began to protest . She didn 't know how anyone could ever be tired of Daisy Dewdrop , but Mommy continued before she could say a word . " I know you love Daisy Dewdrop , but that doesn 't mean everyone does . " Skyler opened her mouth again to protest , but again Mommy interupted her . " Do you like those Disney Channel shows that Sara watches ? " Skyler wrinkled her nose . She hated the shows that her sister watched , but what did that have to do with anything . " Well , you love your sister , don 't you ? " Skyler nodded usually she did . " You love you sister and you don 't love everything that she loves . " Skyler nodded again . " But Sara doesn 't make me watch those Disney shows with her . We do other things together . " " Aha ! " said Mommy . " I guess I could watch something else once in a while . " said Skyler finally , " and I guess I could play with other toys and stuff . Do you think my friends would want to play with me again then ? Do you think they would like me again ? " Skyler instantly brightened . " I 'm going to go call Amy right now , and see if she wants to watch Purple Puppy and the Calico Kitty show with me . " After all , Skyler could watch Daisy Dewdrop later on the DVR . For five whole years of life , Oriana Gray had been an only child . She didn 't have an older brother who teased her like her friend , Franny did . She didn 't have a younger sister who took all her stuff like her friend , Lola did . She didn 't have anyone to fight with over toys . She just had herself and Mommy and Daddy and their golden retriever , Skipper , and that was enough , and she was happy . One day when Oriana was busy playing in her backyard with her dog , her mother called to her . Oriana smiled and waved and went back to playing with Skipper . " Oriana ! " her mother called again more insistently . " Come and sit down and talk to me . " She sat down on the wicker couch outside their back door and motioned for Oriana to come sit beside her . Oriana reluctantly dragged herself over and sat down beside her mother . Skipper followed her and sat at her feet . " I love you too , mommy . " replied Oriana kissing her back and staring at her in a puzzling manner . Mommy didn 't call her over just to tell Oriana she loved her , did she ? Oriana knew her Mommy loved her . " You know I can love other people and still love you too , don 't you ? ' asked Mommy . Oriana nodded . She was still puzzled . Mommy was sure acting strange . Oriana shook her head quickly and jumped out of her seat . " Oh no , Mommy . " she said still shaking her head . " I love being an only child . I love having you and Daddy all to myself . " " It 's good enough for me . " replied Oriana . " Would you like to have a brother or sister to play with ? " Oriana shook her head . " Wouldn 't you like to have a brother or sister to talk to ? " Oriana shook her head again . " Wouldn 't you like to have a brother or sister to keep you company ? " Oriana shook her head again and went into the house crying . Her mother was crying too . She saw her father go outside to comfort her mother as she came in the house . She heard him tell her mother that everything would be okay , Oriana would get used to it . She would not get used to it ! Oriana screamed silently . She loved her life with just herself and Mommy and Daddy . She didn 't want to share it or them . Ever ! Of course , it was not really up to Oriana . Mommy and Daddy were going to have another baby . There was nothing Oriana could do about it . They couldn 't make her like it though , and they couldn 't make her happy about it . She decided to pretend that the baby didn 't exist and that she was not going to be a big sister . Every time , they talked about the baby , she left the room and when she couldn 't do that she shut her ears . She wouldn 't help them pick out clothes or toys . She wouldn 't help paint the baby 's room even though they painted it her favorite shade of yellow . Whenever anyone said " You are so lucky , you are going to be a big sister soon . " or something like that she would say " No ! I 'm not . " and quickly change the subject or leave the room . Well , finally after nine months of ignoring the impending arrival of the baby , Oriana could ignore it no more . The baby was here . Grandma picked Oriana up at school to take her to the hospital to see Mommy and the baby . Daddy was already with them . Oriana tried to convince Grandma to take her anywhere but there . She told Grandma that she didn 't really want to be a big sister and that nobody had asked her opinion . Finally , Grandma had enough . " Oriana , " she said sternly . " Your Mommy loves you , and your Daddy loves you too and that will never change . Now , we are going to the hospital to see them , and you are going to smile and be good and behave yourself and not complain or give them a hard time . Do you hear me ? " Oriana nodded . She knew better than to argue with Grandma when Grandma used that tone of voice . They arrived at the hospital and went up to the maternity ward . When they entered Mommy 's room Daddy scooped Oriana up in his arms . " Daddy ! " she said excitedly . Daddy put her down on the bed beside Mommy . Mommy put the blanketed bundle she had been holding into Oriana 's arms and put her arms around both of them . Oriana didn 't want to look but she couldn 't help herself . She peeked down at the tiny face inside the blanket on her lap . It was so cute and so helpless , and it seemed to be looking right up at her . Her heart melted , and for the first time she felt like just maybe this big sister sister stuff wouldn 't be so bad after all . " Hi . Alyssa . " she whispered " I 'm your big sister , Oriana , and you might not care about that so much right now , but you 'll get used to it . Just like I am . " Sierra Benson was a very lucky girl . She had a sweet and beautiful mother . She had a handsome and kind father . She had an older brother named Henry . She had everything she could possibly want in life everything except one thing . Sierra really wanted a sister . Almost everyone Sierra knew had a sister . Her friend Maggie had a sister . Her friend Paige had a sister . Her friend Rosie had a sister . More than half of the kids in her class had sisters . Sierra felt that she ought to have a sister too . She decided to do something about it . She decided to tell Mommy and Daddy that she really wanted and needed a baby sister . If she did that , she was sure it wouldn 't be long before she had one too . Sierra was disappointed . Another day , Mommy and Sierra were at the YMCA for Sierra 's swim lesson . " Mommy ? " asked Sierra very seriously as they changed out of their wet bathing suits . " When is my sister going to be born ? " Mommy 's tummy was too flat to have a baby in it . All her friend 's Mommies tummies were big and round before their sisters were born . Sierra was disappointed . She didn 't want a sister some day . She wanted one now ! Shortly after that day , Mommy and Daddy announced that they were going to have another baby . When Mommy told people that Sierra knew about the baby even before she and Daddy did , Sierra just beamed happily . She couldn 't wait for her baby sister to be born . " I 'm going to have a sister . " she told everyone she saw excitedly . Whenever anyone bothered to point out that the baby could be a brother , Sierra glared at them . " It 's a sister ! " she would reply angrily . She was sure of it . Henry was hoping the baby would be a boy . It did not seem to matter that he was already 10 , and the baby could not possibly ever be much of a playmate for him . " It could be a boy you know , Sierra . " he insisted . One day , that seemed to Sierra to be quite a long while after Mommy and Daddy had told her they were going to have another baby , Sierra woke up in the morning . There was no sign of Mommy and Daddy but Grandma was there . " Get dressed , Sierra , " Grandma told her . " We are going to go the hospital to see the new baby . " Sierra didn 't have to be told twice . She hurried into her favorite jeans and the red Big Sister sweatshirt Mommy and Daddy had gotten her when they told her she was going to be a big sister . She had been saving it for today . Grandma hurried Sierra and Henry into the building and up to the maternity floor . Daddy was waiting for them . He picked Sierra up and led them to Mommy 's room . Mommy was sitting on her bed with the cutest little baby Sierra had ever seen wrapped up in a striped blanket in her arms . Sierra smiled . " Is that my sister ? " she asked excitedly . Sierra turned to Henry and stuck her nose in the air snobbily . " You see , Henry , " she said . " I told you , it was a sister . I told all of you . " she pointed out . Daddy helped Sierra to wash her hands . Then , he lifted her on to the bed beside Mommy . Mommy put Savannah carefully into Sierra 's arms . Savannah looked as though she were looking right at Sierra . Sierra smiled down at her . " Hello , little sister . " she said smiling . " I love you . I loved you even before you were born . We are going to be great friends and sisters . " And they were , and they had an extreme sisterly love - hate relationship ever after . " Daria ! " called her mother from the bottom of the stairs . " Daria ! Where are you ? " Not a peep was heard from Daria . This was rather unusual . Daria was usually quite a chatterbox . " Daria , it 's time to go ! " Daria 's sister , Kate , came down the stairs with her heels clicking noisily on the floor . " Do you have to make all that racket ? " asked their mother who by now was stressed out and angry . " Where is your sister ? We are going to be late ! " Kate shrugged and slipped her arms into her blue jean jacket that was hanging over the railing of the stairs . Mommy sighed and rushed back up the stairs still calling for Daria . She hurried into Daria 's room and looked around . There was no sign of Daria . She was just about to leave the room when she spied a pair of pink fuzzy socks peeking out from behind the door . She swung the door open so quickly that Daria practically fell on the floor . " Daria ! " exclaimed her mother angrily . " I have been calling you and calling you . Where have you been ? It 's time to go . Put your shoes on . " Daria looked up at her mother . She looked scared . She looked as though she were about too cry . Her mother scooped her up in her arms and kissed her . " Don 't worry . It 's going to be fine . " she promised . She helped Daria put her sneakers and on and carried her down the stairs where she helped her put her favorite purple jacket on . Daria was so nervous that she didn 't even mind that her mother was carrying her around like a baby . They got in the car . Daria would usually be chattering away throughout the ride . Instead she was unusually quiet . " What 's the matter with you , squirt ? " asked Kate . Daria ignored her and stared out the window . " Let it go , Kate . " warned their mother . Kate shrugged , put her i - pod ear buds in , and began softly singing to the music in her ears . Soon they arrived at the dentist . Daria shivered with fear . She gripped the door handle , but did not open it . Mommy opened the door . Daria would not let go . Mommy gently pried her hands off the handle and helped her out of the car . She hurried a still frightened Daria into the waiting room of the dentist 's office and led her to a chair . " Sit . " she ordered . Daria sat quickly and quietly even though what she really wanted to do was run out the door . She kept looking at the door and wishing she was anywhere but where she was at that moment . All too quickly , the grey haired nurse , was calling Daria 's name . Daria did not budge . She was too scared to move . Maybe , she had heard wrong she hoped and they weren 't calling her at all . " Daria Popov . " repeated the nurse impatiently as though Daria was wasting her time which she pretty much was . Daria 's mother pulled her out of her chair and led her into the other room after the nurse . The nurse pointed to a big blue leather dental chair . Daria didn 't move , but her mother gently ushered her into the chair . The dentist was tall and had short brown hair and sparkly eyes . He reminded Daria of her Uncle Ben . Daria loved her Uncle Ben . He always brought her Mrs . Field 's cookies and told the funniest jokes . Somebody who looked just like Uncle Ben couldn 't be all bad , could they ? Daria still didn 't feel comforted though . After all , Uncle Ben never tried poking around in her mouth like the dentist was about to do . " Hi , Daria . " the dentist greeted her cheerfully . " I 'm Dr . Dixon . I 'm going to examine your teeth . " His voice sounded warm and friendly , and made him remind her of her uncle even more , but still she was not sure . Dr . Dixon told her to open her mouth . Daria didn 't really want to , but she figured the sooner she did what she was told the sooner she could get out of there so she opened . Dr . Dixon checked her teeth . So far it didn 't hurt at all . Daria was relieved . " Was that all ? Can I go home now ? " she asked eagerly finally finding her voice . Daria 's heart sank . This was it she thought . This was where he got out the drills and the pain began . However much to her surprise all he got out was some kind of funny looking electric brush and some funny looking pasty stuff . The brush turned out to be a toothbrush and the paste turned out to be toothpaste . Dr . Dixon put some toothpaste on the brush and began brushing her teeth . It didn 't hurt at all . In fact , it kind of tickled . She even liked the pepperminty tasty of the toothpaste . Before she knew it , Daria 's teeth were all cleaned and Dr . Dixon was ushering her out of the chair . " We 'll see you in six months . " he said handing her chart to the nurse . Daria and her mother followed the nurse back into the other room where the nurse put Daria 's chart on the counter . The woman behind the counter took the chart . Then , she showed Daria a treasure chest and let her pick out a little toy . Daria selected an elephant finger puppet . Iggie was a little two year old girl . She had a wild imagination . One minute she was a firefighter , the next a princess . One morning when Iggie came downstairs for breakfast mommy asked , " Who are you today ? " " Iggie . , " she replied . Normally she would say something like Barney , or Big bird or a dog , but today she just glumly replied with who she really was . And mommy got very worried , Iggie had never sounded so unhappy before . At dinner when daddy came home from work he said , " How 's my little ________ ? " Normally Iggie would jump out and excitedly shout out what she was that day . today she walked over and said , " Iggie . " Daddy was shocked . Mommy and June just shrugged , the two of them had sang songs , and told jokes all day to try and cheer up Iggie , but unfortunately nothing worked . That night when Iggie was all ready for bed , in her Elmo footy pajamas , mommy , daddy and June all walked her to her room and sat down on her bed beside her . " All right kid , spill your guts . What 's wrong ? " daddy asked eager to solve his daughter 's problem . " No wong . Day I tend I sad . , " Iggie said in her sweet little voice . Her mother hugged her , and everyone breathed a sigh of relief . Iggie started laughing . Soon so did mommy , daddy , and June . They all kissed her goodnight and she soon fell fast asleep . Posted by " Tomorrow Mommy is coming back from Grandma 's and it is also Mommy 's birthday . I thought we could do something nice for her . " explained Daddy . Becky nodded and jumped out of her seat so excitedly that she almost knocked over her milk . Luckily , Daddy grabbed her glass just before it tipped over . " I thought we 'd make her a nice dinner . " continued Daddy . Daddy nodded . " As soon as we clean up . " Becky cleared the table and Daddy washed the dishes . Becky ran off to her bedroom to get her little pink purse , and they went to the store . At the store , Becky quickly opened her purse and counted her money . She only had $ 2 . 00 . She frowned and bit her lip disappointedly . What was she going to be able to buy with only $ 2 . 00 ? She and Daddy walked through the aisles of the store . " How pretty ! " exclaimed Becky picking up a pretty purple scarf . She turned it over and look at the price tag . It was $ 5 . 00 . Becky frowned and put it back on the shelf . They kept walking . Becky found a white leather purse and excitedly grabbed it off the shelf . " Mommy will love this ! " She glanced at the price tag and her smile instantly turned to a frown . It was $ 10 . 00 . She put it back on the shelf too and kept walking but not as happily as before . Becky shook her head . " No , thank you , Daddy . " she said . " Then , it wouldn 't really be from me . I want to do something for Mommy myself . " " Are you sure , princess ? Because I 'd be glad to help . " Daddy offered again . Becky shook her head and continued walking down the aisles . They walked slowly through the store . Aisle after aisle she found beautiful bracelets , pretty pocketbooks , and fabulous frames . All of them were perfect for mommy . All of them too much money . Becky sadly left the store without finding anything she could afford to get for Mommy for her birthday . Becky didn 't know what she was going to do . She only knew she didn 't have a lot of time . Mommy 's birthday was tomorrow . On the way , home Becky got an idea . It wasn 't a great idea , but at least it was something . She could make Mommy a picture . As soon as they got home , she locked herself in her room with her paper and crayons . She worked all day . She only came out for lunch and dinner . The next day was Mommy 's birthday . Becky helped Daddy make Mommy 's favorite dinner , spaghetti and meatballs . She helped him set the table with the good dishes and the cloth napkins , after all , it was a special occasion . They heard the squeak of Mommy 's car tires pulling up in the driveway just as they finished getting ready . Becky ran to the door . " Oh , baby . I 've missed you . " said Mommy gently kissing Becky 's check as Becky hurried her into the kitchen . " Is this all for me ? " asked Mommy as she saw the beautifully set table with the delicious food spread out on it . Becky nodded exitedly . " Happy Birthday , Mommy ! " she called out . Daddy handed Mommy a colorfully wrapped package . " Thanks it 's beautiful . " she said to Daddy as she unwrapped it and pulled out a pretty gold bracelet . She kissed Daddy . Becky ran up to her room . " Becky , " Mommy called after her , " Where are you going ? Aren 't you going to share my birthday dinner . " " I 'll be right back , Mommy . " replied Becky . She ran to her room and got the picture she made for Mommy . She came back and handed it to Mommy . " Here . " she said . " I wanted to get you something really special . " she explained , " but , I didn 't have enough money so I made you a picture . It 's a picture of you and me and Daddy . " Mommy took the picture and looked at it . She smiled her brightest smile of the night so far . " It 's beautiful , but you 're wrong about one thing . " " It is special . " said Mommy . " It 's the most special present I ever got . Thank you . " She gave Becky a big hug and a kiss . " I love you , sweetie . " Adrianna Bradford was 5 years old . All her life she 'd had the same best friend . Her best friend was named Darcy . Adrianna and Darcy played together all the time . They did everything together . Darcy was with Adrianna all the time . She lived in Darcy 's house . She was invisible . The problem was Darcy was not always good . In fact , sometimes she could be downright bad . She was quite a troublemaker . " Adrianna " said Mommy , " Why did you leave your coloring book and crayons on the floor ? " " No , Daddy . " replied Adrianna innocently . " Darcy did it . I 'll go find it for you . " and off she went returning in less than two minutes as though she knew right where it was all the time . " Adrianna ! " screamed her older sister , Allyson angrily when she found a mess of lipstick and nail polish in her room . " Have you been playing with my makeup again ! I told you to stay out of it ! " Adrianna never did anything wrong . It was always Darcy . Mommy and Daddy and Allyson were tired of everything always being Darcy 's fault . How could it be possible be that Darcy always did everything bad and Adrianna never did anything bad ? One day , Mommy found Adrianna 's room a mess . Her toys were all over her bed . Her books were all over her floor . There was even a pile of dirty clothes sticking out from under her bed . Adrianna hid in her closet . She expected mommy to yell at her . She opened her mouth and got all ready to say " Darcy did it . " but mommy didn 't say anything . She just walked away . Adrianna found mommy in the kitchen baking cookies . They were chocolate chip cookies . They were Adrianna 's favorite . They smelled delicious . " Oh , mommy , " she said excitedly . " Are you baking cookies for me ? " Adriannal nervously bit her lip and stared at the ground . " Besides , I figured if Darcy is responsible for doing all the bad things around here , she must be responsible for some of the good things too . " continued Mommy " I mean nobody is all bad . I haven 't been very fair to her . From now on , I 'm going to be making up for that . I 'm going to bake cookies for Darcy and read stories to Darcy and take Darcy to the playground " " But , mommy , you used to do all those things with me ! " exclaimed Adrianna practically in tears rushing into her mother 's arms . " What about me ? Don 't you love me ? " Mommy hugged Adrianna and gave her a kiss on the cheek . " Of course , I love you , sweetie . " she said . " But I need to show Darcy that even when she does something wrong I still love her too . She is still a part of our family . " At that moment , Adrianna did not want Darcy to be a part of her family . She did not want mommy to bake cookies for Darcy . She did not want mommy to read stories to Darcy . She did not want mommy to take Darcy to the park . It was her mommy not Darcy 's ! " It was me mommy ! " she cried . " Darcy didn 't do it . I did it . I made the mess in my room ! And sometimes , I do other bad things like leave coloring books in the living room or playing with Allyson 's makeup . Do you still love me ? " Mommy gave Adrianna a great big hug and smiled at her . " Of course I love you . I love you even more for telling the truth . " " Mommy , " said Adrianna worriedly . " I try to be a good girl , and I try not to do bad things , but it 's hard to be a good girl all the time . " It was bright and sunny the day of Sophy Ann 's graduation from pre - k . She was the last of the Meadows to be graduating from Thompkin 's School of Early Learning . First her sisters , Tina and Emmy went through the school and then her brother Ben did . Finally , it was Sophy Ann 's turn to go to the school , and now she was almost done . She was ready to graduate . Sophy Ann excitedly jumped out of bed . She put on her favorite pink and purple flowered dress . She put on her nice white socks and her shiny new white party shoes . She brushed her own hair and Tina helped her to clip it back on the side with gold barettes . She looked at herself in the mirror . " I 'm a big girl . " she said . Then , suddenly it all seemed too fast for her . She took her clothes off , put her pajamas back on , and got back into bed . She lay down under the covers . Sophy Ann did want to be late . In fact , she didn 't want to go at all . She buried herself deeper under her covers . She didn 't say a thing . ' Maybe , if I am really really quiet , they will all go away ' she thought hopefully . A few minutes later , she heard footsteps on the stairs . She peeked out from under her covers just a bit . It was mommy . At the sight of her , Sophy Ann burst into tears . " Oh , mommy . " sobbed Sophy Ann holding tightly to her mother . " I don 't want to graduate . I don 't want to go to another school . What if I don 't like it ? What if they don 't like me ? I like my school . I like my friends . I like my teachers . I don 't want new ones ! " Mommy smiled and hugged Sophy Ann . " It can be sad when things come to an end , " she said " and new beginnings can be scary . Remember how scared you were when you started school ? Remember how you held my hand and didn 't want to go in the classroom ? Remember how you cried every time I dropped you off every day for a month ? Every day , after 2 minutes in the classroom you would stop crying . You would be so busy having fun and learning that you forgot all about being sad and missing me until I picked you up at the end of the day . " Sophy Ann remembered . She smiled at mommy as the memories all came back to her . " You didn 't know anybody in school when you started and now you are friends with everybody in your class . I 'm sure it will be the same in your new school . " Mommy continued . " Come on . " said Mommy . " You don 't want to be late . You don 't want to miss graduation . All your friends will be there and your teachers . You don 't want to be the only one not there " Sophy Ann thought about all her friends and all her teachers , and she knew she did want to go . She did want to graduate . She had worked so hard to get to this moment and she didn 't want to miss it . She quickly got dressed and hurried downstairs with her mother . A few hours later after the graduation ceremony , Sophy Ann proudly joined her family clutching her diploma . They greeted her excitedly . " You did it ! " said Ben . Sophy Ann smiled proudly . Then , she looked at mommy . Mommy 's eyes were full of tears " Why are you crying now , Mommy ? " she asked . Mommy smiled through her tears . " I am really proud of you , Sophy Ann . " she declared . " I just feel a little bit sad because I don 't have any more babies . " she admitted . " My last baby is growing up . " she said looking at Sophy Ann . Sophy Ann threw her arms around her mother 's neck and hugged her tightly . " I 'm still your baby . " she said . " I will always be your baby . " Judith Ross was ten years old , she had a sister named Justine who was sixteen years old . Judith wanted a kitten she wanted one more than anything in the whole world . Justine had a thirteen year old cat . " Justine gets everything she wants . I get nothing . You and daddy are mean to me . How could you do it . How ! " Judith whined to mommy . Judith loved to draw cats , she glanced at her cat posters hanging on the wall . She knew all about cats . She would always say " You name it I explain it . " The next morning Judith , Justine and mommy went to the mall . Judith led the way into a pet store . " Look at that kitten it 's the cutest thing I ever even saw ! " Judith cooed . Mommy winked at Justine . Then Judith found out she couldn 't get it . Judith was heartbroken . The next morning Justine called Judith to the breakfast table . Judith was still mad about the kitten situation . She moped around for a while then came to breakfast . When she got there a furry white figure was crawling around the table . " You got me the kitten ! " screeched Judith . She was so excited . From then on if she wanted something she asked nicely instead of whining . That 's the only way it works . Gracie Daniels had a beautiful room . It was all in her favorite color purple . She had a purple desk and a purple dresser and a purple headboard . She had princess wallpaper with all her favorite princesses on it - Belle , Cinderella , Sleeping Beauty and Snow White . She had a big cozy purple bed with a nice warm fluffy princess blanket and a soft pillow . She loved her room and her bed or so she said , but she hardly every wanted to spend time there especially not in her bed especially not at night . Every night , she would beg " Oh , please mommy , can 't I sleep with you ? Just for tonight . " Mommy and Daddy usually felt bad and let her sleep in their room especially Daddy . Mommy and Daddy tried everything to get Gracie to stay in her room . They let her choose the color . They let her choose the decorations . That 's how she ended up with a purple princess room in the first place . They got her a night light . They let her sleep with as many stuffed animals as she wanted . Still Gracie would not stay in her room . She only wanted to sleep in Mommy and Daddy 's room with them . Mommy and Daddy loved Gracie . They loved her very much with all their hearts . Even though , they loved Gracie with all their hearts , they did not want her sleeping in their bed . " Gracie , " said Mommy . " Your room looks great . You did such a nice job of picking the colors and decorations for it . " Grace nodded proudly . " Don 't you want to sleep in your beautiful room ? " Gracie shook her head no . " Gracie , " said Daddy . " Isn 't it crowded in Mommy and Daddy 's bed . Wouldn 't you like to stretch out in your own big bed ? " Gracie shook her head no . Maybe , it wasn 't too crowded for Gracie , but it was too crowded for Mommy and Daddy . Gracie was always kicking them in the night . Besides , even though Mommy and Daddy loved Gracie , they needed some Mommy and Daddy time too without Gracie . " Please Gracie . " begged Mommy . " Would you please sleep in your own room so Mommy and Daddy can spend time together ? " Mommy gathered Gracie in her arms and hugged her tightly . " Of course , I love you , but I love Daddy too and sometimes I need to spend time with him . Don 't you like special time with the people you love like when Grandma took you to the movies or when you and Daddy went fishing ? " Gracie nodded and stopped crying . She understood , but she didn 't feel better . " But mommy , the night is a long time , and it 's dark . " she said worriedly . " And I 'll be all alone . " Gracie did not feel comforted . " It 's not the same " she mumbled . The next afternoon , Gracie heard Mommy calling to her . Gracie was actually up in her bedroom sitting on her bed looking at a book . It was not so bad in the day time . It was only at night that she didn 't want to be there . Gracie couldn 't imagine who it was . She raced down the stairs and into the kitchen and looked around . Who could it be ? She didn 't see anyone . Was mommy teasing her ? Was mommy playing a joke ? Because if she was , it wasn 't funny . She opened her mouth to speak but closed it again in shock when she saw the brown and white furry bundle scampering around on the kitchen table . " Oh how cute ! " she gushed hurrying over to the table . " What is this ? Where did it come from ? Can I pet it ? " she asked excitedly . Mommy laughed at Gracie 's enthusiasm . " This is Mae . She is a guinea pig . Of course , you pet her . She belongs to you . " " She does ? ! " replied Gracie with surprise and excitement . " Yes , she does , and she is going to sleep in your room . " Mommy laughed again and hugged Gracie . " It 's nothing to get all worried about . " she said . " It 's just that Mae is a baby . She is only six weeks old and she gets a little bit scared sometimes especially at night . She needs someone to stay with her . " Gracie nodded . She knew how scary nights could be especially if you were alone . She never wanted Mae to feel that way . From that night on she slept in her own room , in her own bed , with Mae in her cage on the dresser right beside Gracie 's bed . Mae never had to spend a scary night alone and neither did Gracie . The noisy alarm clock went off and Kayley buried her head deeper under her soft pink covers . Mommy came cheerfully into the room and threw open the shades . " Rise and shine ! " she said with a smile throwing off Kayley 's covers . " It 's your first day of school ! " Mommy sure sounded more excited than Kayley felt . She sat up and frowned at her mother . " Are you happy to be getting rid of me ? " she asked . " Aren 't you going to miss me ? I am going to miss you . " Mommy gave Kayley a great big kiss and hug . " Of course , I am going to miss you , but you 'll be busy having fun and learning . The school day will go so fast before you know it you 'll be home . You won 't have time to miss me . Kayley didn 't think so . Unhappily , she dragged herself out of bed . Slowly , she put on her new pink and purple striped shirt and her new purple pants and her new brown shoes that buckled on the sides . She went down the stairs as slow as a turtle and sat down at the kitchen table . She barely tasted the delicious breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast that her mother had made her . Normally , that was Kayley 's favorite . Today , however , she was so nervous that her stomach felt heavy like she 'd swallowed a giant rock . She just couldn 't eat anything . She just kept pushing the food around on her plate and looking at the clock . She hoped that time would pass slowly or that it would just freeze altogether , and she wouldn 't have to go at all . Before , Kayley knew it , it was time to go . " Come on , Kayley . " called Mommy excitedly hurrying her into her jacket and out the door . Kayley was glad they lived so close to the school and Mommy would be walking her to school . She was happy to be with Mommy for just a little longer . Kayley tried to walk slowly again , but her mother pulled her along quickly . Soon , they arrived at the big red brick school house . Kayley blinked and held tightly to her mother 's hand . The school looked even bigger than she remembered it . Suddenly , she stopped walking and looked around . She was trying to think of how she could get out of going to school . She didn 't see a way that she could escape , but she did see another little girl . The girl wore her hair in two big brown ponytails and had on a blue jacket and pink sneakers . The other little girl smiled at her . " Hi . I 'm Emma , " said the other little girl . " This is my first day of school . I am in Miss Smith 's class , and I am a little bit scared . I am looking for a friend . Are you in Miss Smith 's class ? Will you be my friend ? " Kayley smiled back . She knew just how Emma felt . " I am in Miss Smith 's class too , " she replied , " and I 'd like to be your friend . " She took Emma 's hand and they walked in to the building together . Maybe , this school thing wasn 't going to be so bad after all . Betsy McEntire was 11 . Her sister Briana was 6 . It wasn 't easy being the big sister . Everywhere that Betsy went her little sister was sure to follow . It was pretty annoying actually . Sometimes , Betsy felt like she couldn 't move or think or even breathe or do anything without Briana being there . Betsy was in her room talking on the phone . Briana came in and planted herself at the end of Betsy 's bed . " Do you mind ? " asked Betsy angrily grabbing the phone and turning around to face away from her sister . " Not at all , " replied Briana calmly stretching out and making herself comfortable on her sister 's bed . Betsy gave her a nasty look . Briana ignored her and just sat on the bed happily smiling at her sister . " Briana , " insisted Betsy " Just because Mom and Dad are out and I 'm babysitting for you doesn 't mean I have to spend every minute entertaining you . " " Isn 't it your bed time or something ? " asked Betsy hopefully glancing at the clock . " No . My bed time is 8 : 00 , and it 's not 8 : 00 yet . " answered Briana . She wasn 't old enough to tell time yet , but she knew her numbers . She knew that if the first number on the clock was only a 7 , it was not past her bed time . " Briana , please . " begged Betsy . Still Briana didn 't budge . Betsy pulled Briana off the bed and pushed her toward the door . Briana looked at her sadly . Betsy felt guilty for about a minute , but then she felt angry . She was not Briana 's entertainment comitteee . She was tired of Briana always wanting to be around her every single minute . She needed some space and some time to herself , and she deserved it . " Just go . She told her little sister . " Find something to do . I 'm tired of having a shadow all the time . " She pushed Briana out into the hall and locked the door and went back to the phone . Betsy heard the clumping of Briana 's loud feet hurrying down the stairs . She felt another twinge of guilt but pushed it out of her mind . She picked up the phone and called her best friend , Kate . Soon she was lost in conversation and forgot all about her little sister . After about an hour , Betsy glanced at the clock . It was now almost 8 : 30 and well past Briana 's bed time and almost Betsy 's too . Briana really ought to be in bed . Where was the little troublemaker anyway ? There was no way she would have put herself in bed . Betsy opened her door and called out to her sister . " Briana ? Briana ? Where are you ? " She didn 't specifically mention that it was bed time because Briana hated to go to bed so that surely wouldn 't make her come . There was no answer from Briana just a scary quietness . Betsy wondered out into the hall looking for her sister . She went in to Briana 's room . Briana 's toys were scattered all around but there was no sign of Briana . Betsy wandered through the house looking for her sister and calling her name . With each step , she got more and more worried . Where was Briana ? This wasn 't funny anymore . She really didn 't want to have to call Mom and Dad and tell them she lost Briana . If she did that , they would never trust her again . She was really getting worried though . Maybe , she should even call the police . " Briana ! " she called out one more time desperately . Suddenly , the garage door slammed open and in walked Briana . " Briana ! " screamed Betsy overwhelmed with relief . " Where have you been ? " She didn 't know whether to kiss or kill her little sister for the worry she 'd put her through . " I went away because you wanted me to . " replied Briana calmly . " You told me to go . You said you didn 't want a shadow anymore . You wanted me to go so I went . " Besty hugged her little sister . Now , that Briana was found she felt much calmer . " Oh , you sweet silly girl . " she said hugging her sister . " I love you . Just because I don 't want you to follow me around every minute doesn 't mean that I don 't . " " I won 't . " promised Briana . She followed her sister upstairs to get ready for bed . Betsy smiled at her . Maybe , sometimes , it wasn 't bad to have a shadow . Olivia liked to play games . Olivia liked to win at a games . To Olivia , rules were things that could easily be changed if it would help her to win at a game . Other people , however , had to play by the rules of the game or at least by Olivia 's rules . One afternoon , Olivia wanted to play a game . She saw her brother , Joe . He was sitting on the living room couch with the TV on . " Joe , will you play a game with me ? " she asked . Joe shook his head . " Sorry , Livy . " he said . " I 've got homework . " He quickly turned off the TV and hurried out of the room . Olivia stared after him . What was with him ? Joe was never in a rush to do homework . She went into her sister 's room . Her sister was lying on her bed staring dreamily at a poster of her favorite movie star . " Jenny , play a game with me . " begged Olivia . Olivia shook her head . Everybody sure was acting strange today . First Joe wanted to do homework . Then , Jenny wanted to help Mom . Usually these were things they had to be forced to do . What in the world was going on ? She wandered into the kitchen . Her Mom was sitting at the table paying bills . Olivia didn 't see Jenny . She turned in a circle . She looked under the table . " Looking for Jenny . " she answered still under the table . " She 's not here . " replied her mother . " So you can come out from under that table . " she added with a smile . She gave Olivia a hand and helped her slide out from under the table . Olivia plopped into a chair . Suddenly , everything made sense to her , and it wasn 't good . She frowned and puffed out her lower lip as though she were about to cry . " What 's wrong ? " asked her mother sitting down beside her . " Jenny isn 't helping you , and I bet Joe isn 't doing his homework either . They just don 't want to play a game with me . Nobody wants to play a game with me ! " " Yes , it is ! " yelled Olivia . " In school nobody wants to play a game with me either . Not Angie or Nancy or Benny or anybody . I asked them all , and they all said ' No ' . Nobody likes me ! Nobody wants to play with me ! " she tried to run out of the room , but her mother grabbed her and held her tight . " I am sure that is not true either . " said her mother gently easing Olivia on to her lap . " Why do you think people might not want to play games with you ? " " I 'm too good for them , " replied Olivia proudly . " I always win . " Her mother nodded her head . " That 's right . " she agreed . " You always do win . Wouldn 't it be nice if other people had a chance to win sometimes too ? " Olivia stared at her mother as if her mother was a creature from another planet . Why in the world would it be nice if other people won sometimes ? It wouldn 't be nice for Olivia . She was the game playing champion . She always won . " But I hate losing ! " she insisted finally . " Maybe other people don ' 't like losing either . " suggested her mother . " If you lost all the time would you want to play ? " Olivia shook her head . She had never thought about it that way . If she was always the winner that meant anyone she played a game with was always the loser . Nobody wanted to lose all the time . No wonder nobody wanted to play with her . From that day on , Olivia still liked to play games . She still liked to win at games , but she didn 't always win at games . She always played by the rules of the game and never made up her own rules . Win or lose , she always played fair and she always had plenty of people who wanted to play games with her . April Valentine was 5 years old . Her sister , June was 9 . April adored her big sister . She wanted to be like her big sister in every way . She wanted to dress like June . She wanted to talk like June . She wanted to act like June . In fact , she copied her big sister so much that some people called her " little Junie " . One day , Daddy was working . Mommy , June and April went for a girls day out . First they went to the department store . Mommy was going to get each of them a new outfit . The first thing April saw was a pretty blue dress with flowers . June picked out a pair of jeans and a pink sweater . " Would you like that pretty dress ? " Mommy asked April . April shook her head . " No , thank you , mommy . " she replied , " I want jeans and a sweater , please . " but she didn 't smile and she didn 't look happy . April nodded and picked out a jeans and a pink sweater . April frowned and bit her lip . She looked at the blue flowered dress again , but didn 't say anything . Next they went to get new shoes . April picked out a pair of Dora the Explorer sandals . June picked out a pair of plain white sandals . April put down the Dora sandals and picked up a pair of plain white sandals too . She knew June would never be caught dead in Dora sandals . " Are you sure ? " asked Mommy . April nodded , but she still didn 't look happy . After they paid for their purchases , they went to McDonalds to get some lunch . McDonalds was April 's favorite restaurant . Chicken nuggets was her favorite food . " I don 't like chicken nuggets anymore . " announced June whose taste in food was always changing . " I want a chicken sandwich . " April shook her head . " I 'll have a chicken sandwich too . " she replied even though she didn 't like chicken on bread . When her lunch came , she barely picked at her sandwich . Afterward , her tummy was still so hungry that it hurt , but she didn 't say anything . At home later , April sat on her bed with her favorite stuffed bunny , Fluff . She was hungry and unhappy . Mommy came in and sat down beside her . " Come on sit on my lap . baby , " she said . April climbed up on Mommy 's lap and put her arms around Mommy 's neck . She started to cry . " There , there , my sweetie pie . " said Mommy gently patting her on the back . " Today was not such a good day for you , was it ? " April lifted her tearstained face and shook her head . " You would have been happier with a pretty blue dress and Dora sandals . " continued Mommy . April nodded miserably and a flood of fresh tears fell from her eyes . Mommy hugged her . " I 'm glad you like your sister so much , but you don 't need to be like her all the time " said Mommy " Be you . Do what makes you happy . Get what makes you happy . Eat what makes you happy . The world already has a June Valentine . So you be the best April Valentine that you can be . " April thought about it . Maybe Mommy was right . After all , she really liked the blue dress and the Dora sandals . The clothes she had picked out to be like June were awful plain . Her tummy was still hurting too from not eating her lunch . April nodded and smiled . For the first time , that day she felt really happy . " Can I have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich ? " she asked . " I 'm really hungry . " She knew June hated peanut butter and jelly sandwiches , but she didn 't care . From now on , she wanted to be just like herself and not like anybody else . Isabella woke up bright and early and bounced out of bed . " Today is the day ! " she said excitedly , " Today is the day , I get my new shoes ! " She hurried into her mother and father 's room . Mommy opened her eyes sleepily and yawned . " Isabella , my sweet , " she said . " It is too early . The stores aren 't even open yet . Don 't worry . " she added when she saw Isabella 's disappointed face . " By the time we get dressed and get ready and eat our breakfast , it will be time to go . " Isabella dresssed quickly . The rest of the morning dragged on slowly . She barely touched her breakfast because she was too excited . She just kept staring at the door and waiting for it to be time to go . Finally , it was time . As soon as they arrived in the store , Isabella began hurrying through the racks of shoes looking for the perfect pair . " No . " she said shaking her head and pointing to a pair of brown shoes painted with flowers . No to a pair of pink and white striped shoes . No to a pair of plain black shoes . No . No . No . Again and again no . Each pair of shoes she saw , she did not want . " Isabella , " said her mother . " Aren 't there any shoes here that you like ? " Isabella shook her head sadly . She sat down on the floor and looked as though she would cry . Just then a young sales woman approached . She smiled at Isabella . " Hi . I 'm Jen . Can I help you ? " she asked . Isabella didn 't think so . She looked disappointedly at Jen . Jen just smiled back at her . " Don 't worry . " she said " I think I know the perfect shoes for you . " Jen went into the store room and came back a moment later . She handed Isabella a box . " These just came in . " she said " We haven 't even had time to put them out yet . " Isabella slowly opened the box . She wasn 't expecting much . However , as soon as the box was open her whole face lit up . She excitedly lifted up a sparkly red shoe . " These are perfect ! " she said excitedly to her mother . |
Snoskred FavouritesPass A Tissue June 21 , 2017 noreply @ blogger . com ( John Gray ) Orange , grapefruit and lime lemonade June 21 , 2017 Johanna GGGWhat is a " Bono ? " June 21 , 2017 Ken Levine5 Statement Accessories to Try This Summer June 21 , 2017 Tanesha AwasthiMercury at Superior Conjunction June 21 , 2017 AndrewSunday Afternoon 6 / 18 / 2017 June 21 , 2017 LauraThis Week 's Menu : Zoodles & Snacks June 21 , 2017 LauraThe Best Trip I Ever Took June 21 , 2017 LauraThe cage for tourists is that way … June 21 , 2017 engrishwebmasterJamming My Head Through The Conservatory Window June 21 , 2017 noreply @ blogger . com ( John Gray ) What is a June 21 , 2017 Ken LevineThird Time Lucky - And Lucky We Felt ! June 21 , 2017 Adelaide Chopping BoardTurmeric Golden Milk Popsicles June 20 , 2017 GinaHouse Tour : The Upstairs Bathroom June 20 , 2017 StacyIt 's White Lace by Alexander McQueen for Royal Ascot June 20 , 2017 adminThe Duchess in White Lace McQueen & The Queen 's Earrings for Royal Ascot ! June 20 , 2017 AdminDear Diary Entry 2 : To Reduce Or Not Reduce , That is the Question June 20 , 2017 dave - gwcMake sure your response is in the form of a question June 20 , 2017 Ken LevineThis Week 's Menu : Zoodles & Snacks June 20 , 2017 LauraTry our Disappointing Dark Roast . June 20 , 2017 engrishwebmaster Main BlogrollImmoral or Merciful ? Canadian Doctors Divided on Medically Assisted Death June 21 , 2017 Krista StevensState Opening of Parliament and Royal Ascot , Day 2 June 21 , 2017 Order of SplendorRoxane Gay on the Final Frontier : Acceptance for Every Female Body June 21 , 2017 Krista StevensPicture This June 21 , 2017 JenTwo - And - a - Half Minutes to Midnight : Our Fear of Nukes and How We Got Here June 21 , 2017 Elizabeth KingReady , set , slime ! Natto feast coming July 9 June 21 , 2017 Mari TaketaChocolate Hazelnut Buttermilk Cake June 21 , 2017 Cath @ Confessions of a GluttonRace in America Has Never Been an Either - Or Proposition June 20 , 2017 Michelle W . Where Have All The White House Press Briefings Gone ? June 20 , 2017 Danielle TcholakianIn Silicon Valley , TransportatHomeContactAboutWho is WhoBlogrollGraphicsDisclosure Snoskred FavouritesPass A Tissue June 21 , 2017 noreply @ blogger . com ( John Gray ) Orange , grapefruit and lime lemonade June 21 , 2017 Johanna GGGWhat is a " Bono ? " June 21 , 2017 Ken Levine5 Statement Accessories to Try This Summer June 21 , 2017 Tanesha AwasthiMercury at Superior Conjunction June 21 , 2017 AndrewSunday Afternoon 6 / 18 / 2017 June 21 , 2017 LauraThis Week 's Menu : Zoodles & Snacks June 21 , 2017 LauraThe Best Trip I Ever Took June 21 , 2017 LauraThe cage for tourists is that way … June 21 , 2017 engrishwebmasterJamming My Head Through The Conservatory Window June 21 , 2017 noreply @ blogger . com ( John Gray ) What is a June 21 , 2017 Ken LevineThird Time Lucky - And Lucky We Felt ! June 21 , 2017 Adelaide Chopping BoardTurmeric Golden Milk Popsicles June 20 , 2017 GinaHouse Tour : The Upstairs Bathroom June 20 , 2017 StacyIt 's White Lace by Alexander McQueen for Royal Ascot June 20 , 2017 adminThe Duchess in White Lace McQueen & The Queen 's Earrings for Royal Ascot ! June 20 , 2017 AdminDear Diary Entry 2 : To Reduce Or Not Reduce , That is the Question June 20 , 2017 dave - gwcMake sure your response is in the form of a question June 20 , 2017 Ken LevineThis Week 's Menu : Zoodles & Snacks June 20 , 2017 LauraTry our Disappointing Dark Roast . June 20 , 2017 engrishwebmaster Main BlogrollImmoral or Merciful ? Canadian Doctors Divided on Medically Assisted Death June 21 , 2017 Krista StevensState Opening of Parliament and Royal Ascot , Day 2 June 21 , 2017 Order of SplendorRoxane Gay on the Final Frontier : Acceptance for Every Female Body June 21 , 2017 Krista StevensPicture This June 21 , 2017 JenTwo - And - a - Half Minutes to Midnight : Our Fear of Nukes and How We Got Here June 21 , 2017 Elizabeth KingReady , set , slime ! Natto feast coming July 9 June 21 , 2017 Mari TaketaChocolate Hazelnut Buttermilk Cake June 21 , 2017 Cath @ Confessions of a GluttonRace in America Has Never Been an Either - Or Proposition June 20 , 2017 Michelle W . Where Have All The White House Press Briefings Gone ? June 20 , 2017 Danielle TcholakianIn Silicon Valley , TransportatPosted on July 6 , 2014May 31 , 2015 by Snoskred One entered the stall to find the following written on the back of the door - Jesus Christ is Lord . God sent Jesus to die for you This was disturbing to ones mind . As one sat and considered the meaning of life as one is wont to do when one is peeing , one wished that one of the ten commandments was one shalt not graffiti . Then again , one knows that interpretation is everything when it comes to the Bible . One could likely twist any random bible quote to suit . Having the internet presently at hand and not currently on the throne , one has found this random bible verse generator with which one is certain you will get a verse that taken at its core and broken down truly means one must spread the word of God all over the back of toilet cubicles with a purple Texta . Previous to completing ones tinkle , one remembered that one had a sharpie in ones handbag . One forgets why twas there . One is sure one had a good and decent reason and not criminal intent . It happened , all right . One certainly cannot explain * how * it happened or how one suddenly chose to become a Not Good Person Who Writes On Things With A Sharpie at the ripe age of nearly 40 . Something just grabbed one and made one do it . One is inclined to blame this one squarely on Jesus . He made me see red , your honour . One does not wish to be tele - marketed to in large purple letters whilst on the throne . This interrupts ones happy and random toilet thoughts . I live in Australia . Contrary to popular belief , Australia does not = America . Halloween is not something that was ever celebrated in this country as I was growing up . It was a virtually unknown about holiday other than seeing it on US TV shows . One day around this time last year , I was sitting at home waiting for my Mother to come and pick me up . The doorbell rang and expecting it to be her I answered the door . I was surprised to find several children who immediately said " Trick Or Treat . No , surprise doesn 't quite explain it . I was SHOCKED . So shocked that I had no idea what to do other than say " wait a minute " and I ran to see if we actually had any lollies in the house . We are not big fans of lollies at all . There was nothing in the cupboard . Faced with the prospect of disappointing these kids , I looked in the fridge to see if maybe we had any chocolate . I found a bag of snack size chocolate treats that we kept winning in these chocolate machines - the skill tester ones ? The other half loves those but neither of us eat the chocolate you find in there - they don 't put Lindt in for those of us who cannot stand the common " Cadbury " chocolates . There was probably $ 10 worth of chocolates in there and I figure we don 't eat it , I 'll give it to these kids . It wasn 't until my Mother had picked me up and I was telling her the story that I realised - these kids didn 't have costumes on ! They were just wearing normal clothes . I had been SCAMMED by trick or treaters who didn 't even bother to put effort into making a costume - and the same kids had got lollies out of my Mother too ! You see how easy it is to get yourself scammed , people ? ; ) It 's ok though , the other half told me later he thought the bag of chocolates I gave to these kids had been in the fridge for about a year , so . . Parents , do you know where YOUR children are or more importantly , the origin of the treats they might receive this Halloween ? Hopefully they 're not ringing my doorbell - I won 't be answering it today . Recently The Other Half and I went to do some errands . It was the first day of his holidays and as usual when he goes on holidays , he gets a cold or flu . So he wasn 't feeling 100 % but well enough to do a few chores . First we went to a hardware store because they had sent us a catalog with cheap pots and many of our plants needed re - potting . Of course when we arrived there none of the cheap pots were anywhere to be seen . This is country law - send out a catalog , but make sure you don 't have what is in the catalog . It generally turns up a couple of weeks later . Then we went to the bank to deposit our bond check from the old house . The Other Half still used his credit union from Adelaide - which usually means an hour long drive to bank a check because there is no branch here . This time we had been told we should be able to bank it at the National bank . And we should have been able to , but of course when we got there we were told we could not . We ended up dropping into St George to see how hard it would be to open an account - it was simple and we both ended up with one . And the scammers had been asking me to open an account with them for a while . Of course I won 't be telling them I 've done it because rule number one of scambaiting is - never do what your scammer asks you to do . Next up was my favourite store - the animal feed store . They have our kitty litter cheap and in bulk . They also have bonsai , feed for every kind of animal you can imagine , plants , and now organic foods . I could spend three hours in there no problem , just looking at everything . Not today , we got the kitty litter and some pest spray for our plants and we were off . We decided to go to the up - market garden centre - which is actually cheaper than Bunnings just quietly but they don 't want to tell anyone that . Lets keep good value things a secret , ya ' all . We ended up spending over $ 100 there on pots , some herb plants - and I got me a Tahitian Lime Tree ! YAY ! Then we stopped at the Motor Registration to change our address . By this time we had been out for four hours . Just before we walked in the door , The Other Half looked at me and said " Your shirt is on inside out . " I said " Why didn 't you tell me before ? " He said " I thought it might have been one of those shirts which was meant to be inside out , but just now I spotted the tag . " So then I had to sit in the motor rego with my shirt inside out while we waited to be served and he laughed at me the whole time while I told him he 's going to hell , and that I was going to stab him while he was sleeping ! : ) The wait was made worse because I had some time to remember how many places I had been with my shirt inside out during the day . This represents a worrying trend - I am embarrassed to admit that I often wear my underwear inside out . This is generally due to me not wearing my glasses when putting them on . I know why this happened - I ironed this t - shirt inside out and I didn 't fix it before putting it on the hanger . At least I was wearing clothes , I guess . Now that I am hopeful he * would * notice , if I went out with nothing on ! - Just so you know , tomorrow is probably the Big Day of changing to WordPress . I 'm looking forward to it , I hope you all are . . ; ) I thought everything was fine in my life . I had a great job , one of the highest paying jobs I 'd ever had . I got that job after I was treated very badly at a previous job . That 's a story in itself . The bottom line was , without knowing it I was very depressed and also without knowing it , I was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder . That 's what my psychologist diagnosed , several months later when I finally managed to get some help for myself . The day after the day I could not get out of bed , I found I could not get out of bed again . This went on for three weeks , until I finally had to admit I couldn 't go to work anymore . I resigned , and the dark hole I know as depression sucked me back in for the second time in my life . It is painful to think about that time , and it is painful to think about how I dealt with it . I needed something to make me feel good about myself . I looked for reassurance in the wrong places . It was a huge mistake . It went on for several months like a roller coaster , until finally I hit rock bottom . I made up my mind . I was going to complete the one task I had to do , and then I was going to return home and take my own life . Whoa , that is hard to admit to you guys . How it is that I am sitting here now ? A very good online friend of mine from Ireland who knew what I was going through and what I intended to do had the guts to call my family and ask them to get me some help . My family was shocked and I don 't think they believed how bad it was , because on the surface I seemed to be functioning fine . I was just keeping up appearances - and there might be someone around you right now who is doing exactly that . After that happened , I got help . I started seeing a psychologist often at first , then dropping back to once a week . Another good friend of mine saw that I was in trouble , and thought that asking me to help with a project might be a good way to drag myself out of the hole I was in . He asked me to help out with an internet website , and I threw myself into it , heart and soul . Looking back on it now , this was not a wise idea for me . I needed to take care of myself before I took care of anyone else or anything else . It was easy to bury my own problems and issues in order to worry about the problems and issues of a new website . I wasn 't well . I should have said no but it was something I believed in and something I wanted to be involved in . So I said yes , and got to work . My life started to improve and one thing that helped greatly was The Other Half and I making the decision to move interstate . We had been stuck in a rut for a long time and we needed to shake things up . We began to look forward to that . The new website had been launched and was a big success but I needed to take some time for me and moving , and so I tried to get other people to fill the hole I would leave while I did that . Unfortunately people felt I was being pushy - well of course I was , there was a lot of work to be done and I knew I could not do it , so I had to ask other people to make a commitment to doing it . It is infinitely easier to do something yourself rather than ask other people to do something . If I could have done it all myself I would have . Simply because to ask someone - can you do this by this date - and then watch them NOT do it , and then have to ask them if they are going to do it and if so , when will they have it done by is one of the most difficult things to do . I sucked at it . I won 't lie to ya ' all . There were a couple of times I honestly went way over the top in how I reacted to people not doing things they had promised to do . It would be easy to say - it wasn 't me , I was sick - but that isn 't the truth . I have to own my part in this . I have to take responsibility for what happened . I was at fault . It * was * me - me under a lot of stress and pressure , me in the middle of a move interstate which I had never done before , and me not in the most mentally healthy place . Me also - who in early December right in the middle of all this stress and pressure - got kicked off a website I was a huge part of . Me who was trying to deal with that on top of everything else . I did not have the tools to deal with things in an appropriate way . So I was told by my life - saving friend - go and move , we 'll deal with everything , when you come back everything will be fine - and I trusted and believed them , and did as I was told . However when I did return , nothing was fine . I soon found myself kicked off that site as well , none of the people I thought were my friends would talk to me , including my life - saving friend . In fact many people had changed their contact information so I couldn 't even get in touch to ask - what happened ? I couldn 't see what happened . Once I 'd moved didn 't have a new psychologist I could see right away , I had to wait , so I couldn 't talk about what happened to someone who knew the situation like my old psychologist did . It was too fresh , too open a wound for me to see it with any clarity at all . I could only see that I was bleeding and in pain . It was only later that I was able to see my faults . I was hurt , upset , angry , confused , so many things . It set me back quite a bit as far as getting better was concerned . I said some things out of hurt and anger which only made the situation worse . Then one friend said to me - forget all that stuff . Focus on scam - baiting . You 're good at it . I took that advice and ran with it . I got involved in a few baiting projects and this time I wasn 't so pushy . I didn 't ask anyone to do anything , if I couldn 't do it myself it did not get done . Time passed . A lot of time . I got over it , got better , got plenty of therapy , got healthy again . I thought other people had built the bridge and walked over it but they had not , and they kept proving it to me by writing some very hurtful things to me that had nothing to do with what was being discussed . When they wrote their words were designed to wound , to hurt . However it didn 't wound or hurt me because in the wounded place I had a healthy scar . It seemed to me that a lot of people were stuck back in January 2006 and instead of becoming less angry with me as time went by , they became more angry with me . It also seemed that some people were taking delight in playing people off against each other . They would tell me something that someone else said , which I would later find out that person didn 't say - and vice versa . Only nobody ever came to me and asked me - did you say this ? They just assumed it was the truth . I became the person who caused all the problems . Anytime something went wrong , the blame was put on me though most of the time I wasn 't involved in any way ! At first I tried to fight it , defend myself , but after a while I realised there was nothing I could do about it . I just let it go over my head and I kept baiting . Other friends of mine were upset by it , and many of them walked away from the websites where it happened as a result . They kept telling me - leave , you don 't need that kind of stuff in your life . But I hung in there , hoping that by showing these people I was not angry at them , that I didn 't hold a grudge , that I had built the bridge . . maybe one day they would forgive me for my past mistakes and accept me as a useful member of the community . After all , I never killed anyone , right ? Everyone makes mistakes , right ? Surely people would get over it in time . Early this week something happened that I did not agree with , and I said so . The amount of anger that came to me as a result of expressing my opinion totally shocked me . It should not have shocked me because it had happened so many times before , but each time I was naive enough to think " It will be different this time - more time has passed , surely they have got over it by now , surely they can see that it is not them personally I have a problem with but their actions " . It was then that I decided the only way these people I once loved so dearly ( yes , loved , though I never told them so ) were ever going to get over this was by me removing myself from the equation . So earlier this week I said goodbye to a website I believed in and loved as much as I would have loved a site I owned myself - a site I had promoted , driven traffic to , and a site where I wanted very much to be an active part of the community . I will not deny I shed tears over it . I asked them to close my account , and they did so . It was not an easy decision to make , but I had to do it because I couldn 't stand to see the people I once respected so angry at me . Still , after all this time . And if any of the people from that site are reading this now , I just want to say - I 'm sorry . I hope my leaving means you can heal that anger and hurt that clearly I caused you to feel . I hope one day you can see that I cared about you and I miss you , my once - good friends . I wish you all the best but most of all I wish you peace . I wish that you will take that anger and throw it away , rather than transferring it to the next person who makes a mistake . I remember the good times , not the bad . It was a good thing for a while there . I have forgotten every unpleasant thing ever said to me , and I forgave the people saying those unpleasant things a long time ago . . As it says in Jane Austen 's Pride and Prejudice - " But in such cases as these , a good memory is unpardonable . This is the last time I shall ever remember it myself . " - And this is the last time I will mention it here on the blog . The book is closed , and I won 't open it again . I 'm not the same person I was two years ago . In fact it is almost the exact anniversary of when I made my decision to take my own life . I am so glad now that I did not , and that is one reason I have written this , as difficult as it was - because if there is anyone out there having those thoughts I want you to know that help is out there , you only have to ask for it . And it does get better . Honestly , it does . You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other . It is time for me to move forward . I 've put the depression firmly behind me now and I know the warning signs to look out for so I don 't go back there again . It is time to look to the future , and I do that with open arms and an open heart . It is also time to begin the work to move this blog to WordPress . I have put aside next week for learning to use it , basically a week of WordPress training . Hopefully within two weeks I will have made the switch , but I 'll let you all know more about that as the time gets nearer . Last week when I wanted to go to the beach I had a car to get there . I 've given the car back now and this means in order to get to the beach , I have to walk 1 . 2kms along a couple of roads . I would have absolutely no problem doing this if I did not have a major fear of dogs . I have this fear for a very good reason - I have been bitten twice already , and one of those was a major mauling that left me on crutches for a week . Yet people seem to think it is fine to let their dogs wander around without a leash or even without an owner present at all . They trust their dogs . I do not , and I do not think they should either . If you have a fear of dogs , that can be enough right there to encourage them to bite you . No matter how wonderful Fluffy might be to your kids , your family and other animals on Fluffy 's own territory , when a dog is out on their own in the world , Fluffy can turn into a growling , snarling , biting beast in the right circumstances . If they feel threatened . The first attack was so traumatizing and terrible that I still have trouble thinking about it - and you may have trouble reading about it . I apologise for that in advance , but let me write it and get it out , I 'll feel better . I was 16 years old . I had a friend ( yes , he was only a friend ) who needed to drop back home and grab a couple of videos to return to the video shop before we went out somewhere . When he opened the front door the dog came running to me and I said to the dog " Hello , are you going to be nice to me today ? " My friend said " No , he is not " right before the dog grabbed my thigh with his teeth . He was a huge dog , well over a metre tall , a cross between a Labrador and German Shepherd . He knocked me to the ground and then he began attacking my left calf . I have to say I didn 't truly understand what was going on , I couldn 't feel any pain at all and I guess I was in shock . My friend had the dog by the tail and was trying to pull him off , but the dog was far too strong . He told me to kick the dog with my other foot to help him get the dog away from me and I did what he asked , kicking the dog as hard as I could . The dog let go of that leg and proceeded to grab the ankle of the other leg . Now it became a tug of war - my friend had the dog by the tail , I was trying to scrabble backwards away from the dog . You can see in the scars where the dogs teeth were , and where trying to get the dog off me only resulted in tearing the skin and making the bite marks worse . After what seemed like forever , my friend managed to pull the dog away from me , and told me to get outside fast because he did not know if he could hold onto the dog . Stunned by the attack , I went outside and sat down on a wall . I was completely dazed but I could feel something cold in my shoe and something made me take the shoe off . I was once wearing white socks and I was shocked to see they were now a different color . I honestly could not believe I was bleeding because I felt no pain at all . I could hear my friend yelling at the dog , and then I saw him get a rope and tie up the dogs mouth so the dog couldn 't open it . My friend came out with the videos and said " Let 's take these back " . Can you believe that ? Seriously ? He had just seen his dog attack me . I said " No , I think you better take me to the hospital , because look at this " and I showed him my foot . We got in the car and all the way to the hospital he tried to convince me his dog was not dangerous and I should not say what happened or how I got the wounds . He knew something I did not know - his dog had attacked before . When I got to the hospital I was starting to feel some pain . I hadn 't looked anywhere else for wounds . I only knew my foot was bleeding and I was too scared to take the sock off and see the wounds . I couldn 't put my shoe back on because my foot had begun to swell . They took me straight in when they saw my foot - leaving my friend outside - and asked me what happened . I told them the truth - a dog attacked me , but we all thought it was just my foot . They had me on a bed and were looking at my foot ( I couldn 't look ) and then they wanted to cut my jeans but I didn 't want them to , so they asked me to get up and take the pants off - when I got up we saw a huge amount of blood left on the bed where my calf had been and then I began to freak out and asked them to call my parents . I could not look at my legs . The nurse began to clean the wounds and that is when the pain came to me as a surprise . I asked her to give me They gave me a shot of morphine . Now I understand what all the fuss is about with that drug . It was totally wonderful . They took me for x - rays and they 'd given me a bunch of magazines which , my mother tells me , I tried to give out to all the other patients waiting for x - rays . I do not remember it . In fact I don 't remember anything after they gave me that shot . The next day I woke up in a world of pain . This had happened on a Friday so I had the weekend to recover , because my mother thought I should go to school on Monday . She was obsessed with not missing a day of school . The trouble was , I could not walk . The hospital had sent crutches home and I needed them but the trouble was , both legs were injured . I had to pick the least painful one to walk on . That was the leg with the injured calf because the ankle was less damaged but a lot more painful . Walking on it caused the puncture wounds to re - open themselves . My scars are a lot worse because I couldn 't miss a week of school . I had not seen the wounds due to the morphine shot but the police arrived to take photographs and a police report on Saturday - the hospital had reported the attack . So Mum took the bandages off and I was horrified at what I saw . My left calf had four large holes in it . My right ankle was twice the size it should have been , and there were long scars around it . I had a large puncture hole in my right foot and a large puncture hole in my right thigh , where the dog first bit me . My shoes which were leather Dr Martens had a big hole in them , my jeans had a lot of holes in them . I had to fight my friend 's family for months to get that dog put down . I did it because I knew there were a lot of little kids who lived in the street this dog lived in , and also just a short walk away there were many elderly people living in a retirement village and nursing home . My friend left long , sad messages begging me not to have his beloved pet murdered . His mother left nasty , threatening messages which I also gave to the police . That woman was a real piece of work , threatening a 16 year old who had been attacked by her dog ! When I found out one of the previously attacked people was an elderly person from that retirement village , and the other was a young girl who was in her own yard bouncing on a trampoline and the dog got in there and attacked her , I knew I had to fight to have that dog put down . Even worse , I now discovered I had a real fear of dogs . People gave me all kinds of stupid advice - for example , if a dog is attacking you grab its front legs and pull them outwards , it will kill the dog . I just did not want to go near any of them . I would not visit friends who had dogs . If I saw someone walking a dog when I was out , I would turn and go the other way . If someone walked a dog without a leash and the dog approached me , I would be terrified . Dogs can tell . They can pick that up - and that alone can make them attack you . If they are on their property and someone they do not know is walking ( or cycling ) past , they can take off like a rocket and attack them . That 's what happened to me on the second attack . A dog who had not previously hurt anyone did not like bicycles , and I was delivering mail for the post office - on a bicycle . When I saw that dog - a blue heeler cross kelpie - running towards me barking , I decided I didn 't want to stick around and find out what it wanted . It chased me and bit me , I 'm embarrassed to admit , on the butt , it then retreated a little and was barking and growling . My bike and I fell over , and I started picking up mail and throwing it at the dog to keep it away from me . The owners arrived , grabbed their dog and apologised deeply . They took the dog inside and then told me to go inside while they called the post office to collect me . As I walked in the dog had somehow got out from where they put it and it ran towards me barking . I opened the first available door and it was a bedroom - I ran in there and jumped on the bed . Had that dog attacked me , I was now ready to attack it right back , I was terrified but also furious . The owners retrieved their dog and locked it away . The post office was called , I was picked up and taken to the hospital for more wound cleaning and more shots . I never went back to work for the post office again . I was just too scared . So this left me in a place where I could not be around dogs at all , for quite a while . Then some good friends of mine had a huge big dog that scared me just to look at it , but he was such a puppydog . If you approached him he would lay down and wait for you to rub his belly . He was also a lap dog and if he liked you he would sit on you . I loved that dog but was still fearful of other dogs . I still find it difficult today when dogs I don 't know are wandering around off the leash . It is not fair when people do that . The first thing they will say to you when their strange dog who you have never met before walks up to you is always " Don 't worry about him / her , he / she won 't bite you . " How about they give a seconds thought to worrying about me and how I might feel ? How about they give a seconds thought to what would happen if their dog did actually attack someone ? How about they be a responsible pet owner and put their dog on a leash ? It is possible for your dog to attack someone . It can happen . It does happen . So I have thought of ways I could protect myself in case a dog did venture too close and there is no owner to be seen but so far I have not been able to think of anything other than getting a gun , or mace , or something loony like that . I mean I would probably hurt myself more with a gun than a dog ever could hurt me , and I would not be comfortable owning one or learning to shoot . It is insane that I have to sit here and try to come up with a way to protect myself , just in case . But I won 't feel good about walking or cycling near houses until I have an action plan for this , I think . I am less scared of snakes than I am of dogs . That is mainly because I know they 're not going to attack me unless provoked and I have a plan of how to deal with finding one when out on a walk . Any ideas ? Other than pulling the dogs legs apart which causes bones to break and pierce their heart , I mean . Cos I don 't think that is true at all and I don 't want to be in a position where I have to find out . . Did you know there 's actually a photo of me in that header graphic ? I think a couple of readers might have guessed it because my crazy egg shows people clicking on that plane photo up the top there . I 'm going to show you a bigger version today - in essence a picture of me , but it 's from the back , and it would be very difficult to recognise me from it and there is two of us in the photo , so . . I am feeling ok about it . . The Red Wunala Dreaming was taxi - ing down to the take off point in front of us . While we were there on the beach , the big specially painted blue Qantas plane known as Nalanji Dreaming landed . This was such a huge thrill for me and my friend , we had no idea it was going to happen and no idea the two planes would be in the same spot at once . Also , two of the Customs dogs were being taken for a walk and a swim at the end of their work day - they were beautiful and happy to be there . You can read more about the Qantas Flying Art here . The Red plane is known as Wunala Dreaming and the Blue plane is known as Nalanji Dreaming . It is no easy feat to paint a 747 in a special color scheme like this . The result is incredibly moving when you see it in person . When I was 9 years old , I was very excited about the next school year . Two weeks before school starts they would put up the lists of which kid was in which class . There was a teacher who I adored and I had been assigned to his class . For the next two weeks , I was floating in a happy daydream of the school year ahead of me . On the first day of ( Grade ) Year 5 , I was nervous and excited and I had butterflies . These had settled down somewhat by 10 : 30am , which was recess time . I happily headed out to play , not knowing what unpleasantness was looming like gathering storm clouds . When I returned to the classroom , the headmaster was in our room and he said " I need these 5 students to follow me to my office " . My name was one of the 5 . Not knowing what was going on , I was very surprised to find my Mother waiting in the office , with 4 other parents . We were told as a group that the Sunney Twins had enrolled late - on the first day of school , and this meant they had to do some shuffling of classes . The five of us were considered the most " brainy " in the class , so they wanted to bump us up to make a Year 5 / 6 class . The tears began not long after this - for all five of us . None of us wanted to change classes but our parents were then told - in front of us - that if we refused to change classes we would be expelled from the school as they would be unable to fit us in as students . The headmaster was not impressed or sympathetic , and he said we had to go to our new classroom now . The parents told him to wait until the kids had time to get used to the idea , or even let them take us home and start fresh tomorrow but he was stony faced and said no . All five of us were still in tears . I do not recall anything about leaving the office but I do remember right in front of my new classroom there was a fence . When I got near it , I grabbed on to it for dear life and refused to move any further , crying , screaming . When the headmaster came over to dislodge me from the fence , I kicked him square in the face . Yes , you read it right , ladies and gentlemen . I kicked the headmaster in front of all my new classmates . This I did not live down . The girls in the new class were pure evil . Beeyotches of the highest order . I hated all of them - and they hated me equally as much . I only had one friend in that class , my Chinese best friend Ellen . We tolerated the other three only because we were forced to stick together - they were boys and therefore not the kind of people we hung around with . Everyone else was an enemy . Homework was an enemy too . I refused to do it at all . When the teacher gave me homework assignments , I would scribble all over the page as soon as she gave it to me , grade it myself with a fail mark and hand it back to her with a smirk . I remember many nights where she made me sit in my room until I finished my homework . I never did any of it . Not once . I would just sit there and scribble holes into the page . I was so angry . With her , with the school , with the beeyotches , with the inferior teacher I hated , with everything . I believe now this is the point at which I just gave up on caring about success or good grades - I hated everything about school . The only thing I liked was reading and the minute my Mother would leave the room , I would open a book and escape . Mother said to me years later that she felt she should have taken me out of that school that day - I wish she had - but she didn 't know what was the right thing to do . The results caused long lasting effects in my school life , my relationship with her as a parent and my personal life . My grades went downhill and never recovered . I became angry with being smart , and decided I would simply refuse to be smart . I ignored maths completely because that was supposed to be a smart subject - and four years later in Year 9 I failed maths because I never had that solid grounding in the subject . I was one of the brightest kids in that school but I decided to become unbright . You know what they say about use it or lose it ? I lost a lot of my skills in various areas . Art was another one . Sport was when the year 6 kids got to push us around and beat us up without getting into trouble and they took great delight in it so I found excuses not to play . I began to put on weight as a result of this - and the long nights spent refusing to do homework when I should have been out playing with all the other kids my age . The next year , I thought we would be placed back in our normal years - but no . They put us in a split 7 / 6 class - the five of us who clung together like rats on a sinking ship , and the same people I 'd hated for the last year . This caused already shaky friendships to become non - existant with the students of our year level - so the following year when we were all in the same class , the five of us were outcasts , ignored , and teased . I don 't sleep like normal people . There . I said it . Now we can all move on , right ? Err , probably not . What does that statement - I don 't sleep like normal people - mean ? How did it happen ? Is something the matter with me ? I 've asked myself that many times but never found an answer other than it is possible that I am actually a vampire , without all the teeth and blood sucking stuff . I prefer the night time . I function better at night time . To try and stay on a schedule which involves getting up at 7 : 30am and going off to work has always been a nightmare for me . I have been struggling with this situation like a rat in a trap , for years now . I ask myself when am I going to stop struggling , and just accept ? It 's not like I am working right now . I have no reason to keep banging my head on this particular wall , other than the disapproval from my Mother . Which there is a LOT of . Being on the night time schedule actually works out ok for The Other Half and I . I 'm awake ( or waking up ) when he gets home from work . I 'm awake when he gets up in the morning . I go to sleep when he leaves . I sleep while he 's at work . It also works out ok as far as the Internet is concerned . I sometimes seem to function best on a up for 16 - 18 hours then sleep for 7 - 12 hours . Right now I 'm apparently stuck on a 12 hours awake then my batteries run out and I sleep for 12 hours , and the 12 hours I am awake seem to be the daylight hours . It is almost as if the daylight sucks more power from my batteries like some rabid power tool . Wednesday and Thursday morning this week , at 5am my brain woke up . When my brain wakes up , it is like a marching band just turned up in the bedroom . Going back to sleep is impossible . I could lie there and toss and turn but I 'd only wake The Other Half up . So I get up , quietly put together some warm clothes , sneak out of the bedroom as quietly as I can , turn on the coffee machine , turn on the computer . When I am on the night - time schedule , this could happen anytime between 4 - 6pm . I might not wake up tThis week I am worried I might not even make it to dinner time . I have to try and stay up longer today just so I can go to dinner tomorrow and then my batteries can run out after I get back . This is yet another reason I do not want to bring people under the age of 18 into my life . Well , it 's not exactly normal , this vampire - esque lifestyle I prefer . I 'm looking forward to the day I can simply say - that 's the way it is - and stop fighting it . I hope that day comes soon , but only I can say that to myself . The Other Half and I have already talked about it and we 're agreed that I should stop fighting it . In other news , I heard that my Dad 's new car has arrived and he should be picking it up today . I wish I could share pictures of it with you my blog friends but the paint job is pretty distinctive , a bit too recognizable . I might have a bit of an arty day today , considering I am now back to only one West Wing episode a day . I live in Australia . It 's a nice place , but look at it from the point of view of a parent with a child they want to protect . In the sea , we have great white sharks , the blue ringed octopus , stingrays , many things which can kill you . On land , we have several extremely poisonous spiders , and many of the most venomous snakes in the world . I remember only once putting more than a toe in the sea before the age of eight - I went in up to my knees , but not for long . When I was eight I saw the movie Jaws , much of the footage of sharks was filmed where I lived , in the ocean I could swim in ! So you can bet , I never went NEAR the sea for a long , long time . And now an embarrassing story I 'd love to forget but my Mum loves to tell it to everyone . When I was 2 , I was making very good progress with toilet training . I also was a sneaky little child who liked to be put to bed and then sneak back out to watch more tv . My parents were watching a comedy show called " The Paul Hogan Show " - containing the Paul Hogan - and there was this skit where a snake flew up out of a toilet and bit someone . I refused to go near the toilet for the next six months . In fact I would not walk past if the toilet door was open . This set the stage for me to grow a very healthy fear of snakes . As I grew up I never encountered a snake myself , other than at the zoo from time to time , and then it was only to scream at it . There was once a red bellied black snake in our street , but one of the ladies who saw it went and got their car and then ran over it until it was dead . The canteen lady had a red bellied black snake on her doorstep , she called in a snake catcher . I heard stories but never SAW one , even so my fear never went away , and it stopped me from doing a lot of fun things like bush walking . I was too scared to go near anything that resembled nature . I think all parents in Australia make a choice at some point between scaring their kids so much they will keep away from our dangerous creatures , and teaching them to have a healthy respect for them . I think one of the major factors in this choice is whether * they * are scared of them , or have a healthy respect for them . There were kids in my class whose parents kept snakes , and taught them all about snakes . If I could choose one way or the other , it would never be to make a child fear something , because fear is not an easy thing to get rid of . So how did it happen that I now have a deep love for reptiles ? How can you take such a fear , and change it to adoration and fascination ? Education , knowledge , love and time my friends . That , and a partner who grew up in the country and knows all about snakes , an interest in photography , a zoo membership , Steve Irwin ( and the snakes all seemed to want to get away from him ) , the Discovery Channel and Animal Planet , and one very wonderful reptile keeper who I am sure was terrified of me at first because of my enthusiasm . But he loved cameras , and he often invited us photographers to get special shots or he would set them up for us . He and the other half would talk cameras while I would watch snakes . It all began with the zoo membership . It was just over one hundred dollars and we both could go to the zoo anytime we liked without having to pay . We started going every weekend , sometimes both days , to walk around . The grounds were gorgeous , and we began to make friends with the animals . I was still a little scared to go into the reptile house , but the other half talked me into it one day , and I walked inside to find one of the most beautiful snakes I have ever encountered . He 's a green tree snake . That picture there is one of the * very * rare times he ever sat still . Each snake does have their own personality and this guy was so endearing and so cute . . I really fell in love . I could stand in front of his enclosure for hours at a time with a daffy looking grin on my face . His enclosure was supposed to have a waterfall and a pond in it , but the pond had sprung a leak and it hadn 't been fixed yet , so he would swim little loops in his water bowl . So as I 've mentioned before here on the blog , in the life of a zoo volunteer there are days when you get to the enclosures of the animals you love to find them empty . One day I arrived to find a different tree snake in the enclosure . Completely different color , different personality . I bit my lip hard trying not to burst into tears ( and I 'm doing the same now writing this ) and went to find the reptile keeper to ask what had happened , I was certain he was going to tell me my favourite snake was dead . So I found him and he could tell by looking at me , I didn 't even have to ask . He said " No , your snake is fine , another reptile park had a female the same color and we wanted to mate them , so I sent him off there " . I still miss my favourite snake more than I can tell you , but I soon fell in love with the Forest Cobra because one day he did the Cobra dance for me , and the Taipans became my good friends , and I lost my heart once again to the Taiwan Beauty Snake at Mogo Zoo . I could tell you many facts about snakes . I could go on for days . I have books . I have informat - If you give them a chance , snakes will avoid you . Stomp your feet , walk noisily and they will go to find a hiding place . I am still scared of spiders , but I am learning more about them . . it 's only a matter of time . ; ) I recommend you check out how much membership to your local zoo would be and if you can afford it , get it . I miss my zoo time now that we 're too far from a zoo to go every weekend . |
A blog from one woman 's view of life having lived with Ulcerative Colitis and now ALS . She misses teaching her first graders , and through her blog is teaching others to be a little bit kinder . Tuesday , January 31 , 2017 Early this morning I was texting an old acquaintance . It had been almost a year since we had been in touch and I had to tell her about my diagnosis . Our texting went something like this : I wanted a banana for breakfast . I don 't eat a lot of them because they tend to . . . well , you know . . . but this morning I looked over at them on our kitchen counter and they were the perfect ripeness and looked so good . So , today , I thought , I will eat a banana . There were three bananas left in the bunch and just a tad bit out of my reach . I stretched as far as I could , got a hold of one of the three bananas , and pulled . The one banana ripped itself away from the others . The two that I didn 't have a hold on went ricocheting across the kitchen , landing next to the garbage can . I placed my desired one banana on the counter , and turned my wheelchair around to retrieve the other two . I leaned all the way over , reaching for the ground and the two bananas . Again , I got a hold of one of them , and as before , it pulled away from its partner . So now I have two bananas on the counter , and one more to pick up . By this time the banana fiasco had gotten the attention of my dogs , who came over to sniff and lick the remaining banana on the floor . I discussed with them how it would be REALLY convenient right now for them to have opposable thumbs and / or the ability to understand the command " fetch the banana " . They kind of just looked at me like I was crazy , and went back to sleep . After much shifting of the chair and reaching for the ground , I was finally able to get the third banana on the counter . I chose the best of the three , and went to open it . Well , my own thumbs ( and fingers ) are not strong enough to break open a banana . By this time my mouth is watering . I really want this banana . I crave this banana . I will eat this banana if it is the last thing I do ! I take out a butter knife and attempt to cut into the top of the banana . Not strong enough . I look around the kitchen for a tool to help me break the banana . All the steak knives are in the sink or dishwasher , the bread knife is too risky . Scissors ? Keys ? A fork ? I went for the scissors , and cut open the banana . I had a doctor appointment this morning . And as with most appointments these days , my parents took me . In my bright pink wheelchair , my Mom and I ventured up the elevator , down the long hall , and into the waiting room where we were greeted by the cutest little boy . I later learned his name is Elijah . He had sparkly brown eyes , a big , beautiful smile , and dark curly hair . He came up to us as soon as we rolled through the door . We stopped and said " hi " , and he smiled . You could tell he had a keen interest in the wheelchair , and the person sitting in it who was basically eye level with him . I locked the chair and he reached for the wheels . He giggled . " Pretty cool " I said and he looked at me with such joy and happiness . He was checking it all out - me , the chair , the wheels , the color . Our interaction was only a few minutes before he and his parents were called in to see the doctor . Yet , Elijah 's smile and joy , his interest and exploring , were a perfect way to end my morning . Thanks Elijah . The wind was blowing hard yesterday . I was listening to it from my warm home , snuggled on my cozy chair , with the dog and a blanket on my lap . Yesterday I was thankful that I didn 't have to go outside , but I did wonder if the first graders had recess , and I felt bad for my friends that had recess duty . The wind blew so hard yesterday that our ping pong table fell over , but I was grateful that it fell away from the house and not into our sliding glass doors . I heard it fall and yelled from the dining room to the den , where Gillian was feverishly studying for a test that she was determined to do well on . She saw it fall and reassured me that everything was okay . The wind was blowing so hard yesterday that our trees were bending over but not snapping . I am grateful that Adam recently had them trimmed . Our yard would have been covered in branches had he not . The wind blew hard yesterday . When the dogs went into the backyard to do their thing they came back quickly . Jackson shivering . Sonky pushing her face against the glass , trying to get in even before I opened the door . Leaving funny nose shaped smudges on the door . I am thankful I can still open the door just enough for the dogs to get in and out . While the wind was blowing yesterday , I watched it dance across the front yard through the living room windows . It was pushing the left over leaves around the yard and across the street . The telephone wires were bouncing up and down , and the squirrels were holding on to them for dear life . The cars were speeding by and I saw a plastic bag attach itself to someone 's windshield . Today the outside looks calm and cold . The dogs still rushed back to come in , shivering , their fur feeling cold . They have taken their places for the rest of the morning . Jackson sleeping on the top of the couch facing the window , just in case he might miss something to bark at . Like a jogger , a biker , the UPS man , or G - d forbid , someone walking their dog . Sonky has retired to her crate . We positioned it by the living room window so she can be a look out as well . She doesn 't care nearly as much as Jackson about what is going on in the outside world . And I have positioned myself at the computer for a few hours , The computer gives me a window to the outside world , but also a means for letting people see in . Today the outside is calm . The birds are scampering to eat the left over seeds that had fallen from the suet block the squirrels tore apart . The squirrels are taking a chance to climb to the ends of the pear tree branches to eat and store the last of the tiny pears . The sky , the road , my back fence , and even my muddy back yard are all the same color - that gray that everything turns before a big snow storm . The sun is trying to peek out , and the squirrel stops what she is doing and looks up , almost as surprised as I am . Today the outside seems calm . I feel calm inside as well . I will see some good friends today . Adam and I made a big decision about a van , and that will give me a little more independence . My kids are happy . I am going to ignore the ugliness in the world for a couple of days in order to hold onto this calm . I will find good in everything I can . Live to Love . Love to Live . I have been feeling a bit " woe is me " . I wish I could pick a mood , a state of being , and just be that way . But my moods fluctuate between " I am going to be the person who beats ALS " to " Life is over " . Today I am somewhere near " I am redefining myself with the abilities I have now " . In a very awful " woe is me " moment , in between texting a few friends , crying very hard , and wiping my snotty nose on my sleeve because I couldn 't get to the tissues , I posted my feelings to one of my online support groups . This group happens to be all women . In short , I posted about feeling sad , like I am losing myself , and it just sucks . Many women responded - these women are wise and can empathize . Part of one woman 's response was this : I have been sitting on these words for almost two days . There are many lessons one can learn for themselves from having and living with and handling a disease like ALS on a day to day basis . And I am learning them . Patience with myself . Appreciating the small moments . Always taking advantage of opportunities to tell others you love them . Just to name a few . I am learning these lessons hard and fast . But what if my support group comrade is right . Maybe the lessons that are learned from me living with ALS are not for me at all , but for the people around me . Family . Friends . Strangers , even . This would surely fall into my philosophy that this disease is one HUGE teachable moment . So , I began breaking this down into smaller sections . Let 's take strangers , for example . When I am out and about I come across strangers all the time . We all do . Last night , after running an errand with Adam , we stopped for a bite to eat ( surprise , surprise ) . It was raining , hailing , and sleeting . Adam was pushing the wheelchair , and I was holding the big black umbrella the best I could over the two of us . We were a sight , I am sure ! As we made our way up to the first door , a man came running up to the second door from inside the restaurant to open it for us . At first I thought he worked there . He didn 't . And he wasn 't even leaving . He was just a guy , watching us struggle , wanting to help . When we made our way in , I noticed he moseyed on back to his table as well . What a cool guy ! The restaurant was pretty empty . But I thought about what if there was a child sitting in the restaurant watching that interchange . What a lesson they would have learned from this teacher - this kind - hearted gentleman - and me , his co - teacher ! The lesson plan for this interaction might go something like this : My Aunt Gail contracted polio as a young child . She had been in a leg brace throughout her childhood and as a young adult . Now she uses a wheelchair to get around . I remember her telling me that she always encouraged children to look at her and ask questions . She wanted to be someone who was approachable , not someone that kids would be afraid of . She would come one day a year to my classroom , and read my first graders a book , and answer questions about her wheelchair , or why she was in it . It was a great lesson . I think about Aunt Gail 's outlook on inquiry all the time when I am out and about . Posted by I finally got to a ALS in person support group yesterday . I went to the PALS group and Marian went to the CALS group ( caregiver ) . We both learned a lot . I was a bit nervous when I got there . I was a bit early , so for the first ten minutes or so , it was just " Tom " * and I sitting in the room . He was so very kind and reassured me that I had nothing to be nervous about , that all the people that were coming were good people , and I would be okay . Tom let me cry a bit . That helped . And he was right . The group was a diverse group of people with ALS . We all have this awful disease in common , yet how the disease exhibited itself in our bodies is as different as we are . I listened and shared . I laughed and cried . I learned and decided I will go back . Initially I felt it wasn 't as emotionally exhausting as I thought it would be . But after I got home and settled down , I realized how tired I was , and how much information there was to process . Some of it was technical information , and some of it was emotional . It was reassuring to look into the eyes of other PALS who expressed the same emotions as I think about and express every day . Today I 'm having one of those days where I seem to be in a fog . I am unable or unwilling to make decisions - what do I want to wear , where do I want to go , what do I want to eat . I feel like everything that is happening is sort of happening outside of me . I can 't focus and I don 't want to talk about anything too serious . I slept fitfully , and stayed in bed until late in the morning . I feel weak and I am having some bladder issues , which piss me off ( yes , I know ) more than anything else that I am having to deal with . I have a very long list of things to talk about with my doctor . I go in a few weeks . When I was cleaning out a box of " stuff " on my dresser a few weeks back , I found a bag of Aunt Liz ' jewelry . I think the original intent was to take this bag of assorted mismatched earrings , necklaces , and charms to see if they were gold or anything of monetary value . In the hubbub of having a full time job , three kids , a husband , two dogs , and a home , the bag of Aunt Liz ' jewelry got pushed by the wayside , into the box of " stuff " . Aunt Liz was my Great Aunt , and she was a GREAT Aunt . The sister of my Grandpa Sol , my father and Aunt Gail 's Aunt . and in turn my Great Aunt . However , she was more like a Grandmother to her five grand nieces and nephew . She was briefly married before I was born , but the man turned out to be a no good kind of guy , so the marriage ended . She had a boyfriend named Harry for a while , though I must have been pretty young when they dated because I don 't remember him . After Harry , she dated a man named Nick who used to come around when we visited . He liked to bet on the horses , so we would watch the horse races on television , and if the horse I picked won , Nick would give me a quarter . Aunt Liz lived in a small , one bedroom , rent controlled apartment in Astoria , Queens , with her mother , my Great Grandmother , my Nauna . She worked as a seamstress in a factory and was a member of the International Ladies Garment Workers Union . Though my own mother knows how to sew , I remember that whenever Aunt Liz came to our house we would have skirts to hem , teddy bears to mend , and pants to take in . She never minded . She was a giver . We would drive into Queens to visit , take the elevator to the fourth floor , and walk down to the very end of the hallway to their apartment . Somehow she always knew we were approaching , and the door would unlock and open , and there Aunt Liz would be to take you into her warm embrace . She gave great hugs . When I think about her , I always remember her sitting in that chair , in a sky blue house dress , gray hair , glasses , and clunky , open - toed shoes . She was a big woman - not heavy , but big boned in the true sense of the word . On the little table next to her chair sat a candy dish with wrapped sticky sesame or Nips or other assorted sucking candies . She would hug me big , like Aunt Liz , say something that I could only one - third understand , and then always hand me a candy . English was not my Nauna 's native language , so when she spoke to us , it was partly Spanish , partly Yiddish , and the rest English . Most of the time Aunt Liz had to do some translating between the kids and Nauna , but we felt Nauna 's love in spite of the language barrier . Aunt Liz dedicated her life to taking care of her mother . Nauna 's real name was Gracia . I always thought it fit her perfectly . The apartment was filled with treasures . Blue butter cookie tins filled with buttons ( I still have a George Washington tin with Aunt Liz ' buttons in my basement ) . Jewelry boxes filled with all sorts of costume jewelry - rings , necklaces , pins . We went through the box every time we visited and went home with something each time as well . In the tiny kitchen right in front of the window sat a step stool , where I would sit as she cooked these extravagant meals for us - breaded , fried chicken , pastelle , red rice , salad with the best salad dressing that still to this day no one seems to be able to duplicate . And we would eat , and laugh , and talk at her small table . All of able to somehow fit around it . When you looked on the family pictures on the walls , Aunt Liz had placed chicken bones under our faces . I think they were wishbones . It was for good health . When we got a new purse she threw in coins . When we bought a car , she threw in candy . When we had babies , she tied a ribbon to the crib . Once Nauna grew older , and it was too much for Aunt Liz to care for her , she moved into the Sephardic Home for the Aged . Nauna 's sister , whom we called Tia , lived there as well . I think she liked it . Aunt Liz would visit a lot , and I remember going there with my Grandpa Sol ( Nauna 's son , Aunt Liz ' brother ) . My Grandpa Sol passed away when I was thirteen . Nauna was living in the Home , and I remember all the family discussions about what was the best way to tell Nauna that her son had died . I remember thinking how it was not supposed to be that the mother outlives the child . I don 't think Nauna ever really recovered from that and within two years , she too passed . After Aunt Liz retired from the factory , she worked as a sales clerk in clothing retail stores . Her pension was not enough to live on , and honestly she was such a social person , I think she also needed the people contact . She was friends with all different types of people - young , old , black , white , male , female , gay , straight . She really didn 't care . She was " cool " and loved , and people just wanted to be near her . Once my cousin Alice married , she and her husband Steve lived in an apartment within walking distance of Aunt Liz . Aunt Liz would often go sit in the park with Alice 's three kids . One of my favorite pictures of all time is Aunt Liz wrapped up in Alice 's kids , sitting on the park bench , a huge smile on her face . When I graduated from college , my parents held a party for me in our backyard . Family , family friends , my friends - they were all there . As the sun started to set , and the people left in the backyard were mostly under twenty - five , Aunt Liz sat with us , doing shots of tequila . My friends from college still talk about that . When Aunt Liz passed , at way too young of an age , we were all heartbroken . Especially my Aunt Gail ( Aunt Liz ' niece ) . They were especially close . She died on Aunt Gail 's birthday . I found that to be so tragic and beautiful in a way . The two of them always had this really special connection , and that seemed to solidify it in some way . In the Jewish faith , you name your children after a family member who is deceased . The reason we spell Ean 's name with an " E " is because he is named for Aunt Liz ( Elizabeth ) . Cleaning out Aunt Liz ' apartment was an adventure that seemed indicative of her life . She was somewhat of a clothes ' hog . Along with sweaters and jewelry , blouses and stockings , twenty - seven pairs of black pants were unearthed among her things . I don 't think she was a hoarder , but she sure knew how to pack it all in . I believe that I subconsciously never took the bag of Aunt Liz ' jewelry to get appraised . I don 't think I could have put a monetary value on the memories that the jewelry brought to the surface . The bag is now with Aunt Gail , where it should have been all these years . I am awake and dressed in my room , and before Adam leaves the house he makes sure that things are set up for me . That includes setting up the stair glide so I can get into it easily . I can still do it myself , and sometimes I do . But when I leave my bedroom and I see the stair glide set up , or the hinged end of the stair glide is already down , or my paper cups are within reach on the kitchen counter , I feel love . This is what love looked like in my house last night . Three friends from school came to visit with dinner and wine and their fabulous selves . They caught me up on events going on at school , things going on with their families , listened to Adam and me tell stories , didn 't freak out when I had a choking incident , and just treated me like me . This is what love felt like in my house last night . My friend Lisa 's uncle passed away . She has had an enormous amount of loss in her life - some very significant losses within the past few months . She reached out to me and Abby through texts last night and I was able to then speak to her on the phone . I was able to love on her a bit when so much has been the other way lately . It felt like love . This is what love was like in my house this morning . I received a few texts from my Mom about what food she could cook for my family , whether I wanted to go out today , and this was all while she went with one of my kids to a doctor appointment because I couldn 't . Because I slept really late and didn 't respond to her texts she was worried about me , so she called . That is love . This is what love looked like in my house this afternoon . I didn 't get out of bed until noon ! Sarah helped me up , and got me to the bathroom . I changed my ostomy bag , took a shower , and got myself dressed ( Sarah did the shoes and socks ) . It seems like such an insignificant thing , getting myself ready in the morning , but for me it is huge . It makes me feel a bit more like me . Having control of my life in these small , yet important ways . I loved feeling like me . This is what love looked like late this afternoon . Adam came home from work and said that our new friend Stephanie was coming over to talk to us about Comfort Keepers and how they can help us . He knew that I was hesitant to make that call ; it seemed like one step closer to be less self sufficient and independent . However after meeting with Stephanie and Sheila I recognized that this help was not just for me , but for our family . These incredibly generous and thoughtful new friends completely get my concerns about me feeling like me , and about keeping my dignity . This is what love looked like this afternoon . Sarah running into the house after being with her friends to bring Gillian her marching band music to the high school . Those two love each other and would really do anything for each other and it was evident by the look on Sarah 's face . This is what love sounded like at dinner . Ean and Adam were talking about sports programs at different colleges . Ean talking about the food he is learning to prepare in culinary class . Ean just talking to us . I haven 't been able to shave my legs in a VERY long time . Maybe since the summer . Well at least since the weather became " wear long pants " weather and not " wear shorts " weather . Adam has offered but honestly he has so many other responsibilities that I just didn 't pursue his offer . On top of the fact that the last time I shaved my legs I lost my grip on the razor and it landed just so that I cut my right big toe . And because my circulation is bad , it took a really long time for it to heal . ( Kind of like when I cut my nose shaving my legs in high school , right Lisa ? ) But I digress . Last night I had this little burst of energy at about 10 : 30 , so I sat myself down on the toilet and decided to shave my legs . Got myself all set up - razor , washcloth , moisturizing soap , towel on the floor - ready to go . I began to shave my right leg and quickly realized the size of my legs plus the length of my leg hair did NOT equal the amount of energy or dexterity I could fathom up at 10 : 30 at night . So , the bottom half of my right leg is shaved . This is my new approach to life , right ? I do what I can . Feeling happy and positive - I make the most out of it by talking or texting with friends . I go out and enjoy the day . Having a tough day - I reach out to my village for support and ride the wave of grief until it passes . Feel the need to shave my legs - I do as much as I can for as long as I can and then go back to it another day . This is how I am going to ride out the new presidency as well . I have made it no secret that DT scares the sh # t out of me . I feel that the future of our nation , our communities , our diversity , our public education system , our progress , and our families are at risk . It is imperative that we do things to counteract that fear , and for me that is continuing to be kind . I am going to do what I can to let those around me know that I support them and love them . I am going to do what I can to promote diversity and tolerance . I am going to do what I can to let my elected officials know that we have a voice and it needs to be heard . I am going to do what I can . I might not be able to march on January 21st , but I can email some of my senators . I might not be able to serve in the military , but I can show appreciation to those who can . I might not be able to physically attend protests to fight Islamophobia , but I can reach out to my Muslim friends and ask them what they would like me to do . And if and / or when it becomes too much , I will sit back and rest and let time wash over me so I have the strength to move forward and do it again . Now , my right lower leg is shaved . Smooth and moisturized . Looking pretty good , I must say . The other 3 / 4 of my legs are still hairy and a bit dry . I will get to those parts when I can . I have had some pretty frank conversations with people I love this week . I think there was some concern that I have lost hope or have given up . I don 't think I have . Most days I spend some time investigating drug trials for ALS , looking into whether or not I fit the criteria . Honestly most of them I don 't , for a variety of reasons . I don 't have a complete gastrointestinal tract ( ironic , right ? ) , or I am taking Riluzole and they want people who have not yet started the drug , or I am not in the age bracket . It is honestly frustrating and depressing at times , and I don 't talk about it much because having to explain this to the people who love me and see the look of sadness in their eyes is almost too much to bear . I use my computer time to do drug trial investigation , writing my blog , writing some very difficult and personal letters , and writing fiction . It is a balance between hope and reality . What does the balance of hope and reality really look like ? As Gillian and I were snuggling in bed this week she asked " Will you and Dad move out of this house when we are grown up and on our own ? " The question caught my breath . In the seconds before I answered her I thought about how I might not be alive to see you grown . I thought that is a decision Dad will have to make on his own , I thought does Gillian not get the brutality of this disease or is she in denial or does she just have hope ? I breathed and answered " I don 't know . I love you so much . " Gillian smiled . Gillian and I spent some time de - cluttering our home this weekend . She has created a list of things that she wants us to work on together . So , she organized our food pantry , and we tossed the expired food . We emptied the school supply / craft cabinet and made a donation bag and put the rest back neatly . We finally rid ourselves of the huge basket of unmatched socks from the upstairs hallway . Our nephew Sam adopted the beautiful wooden card / game table that belonged to my in - laws . It no longer sits in our living room , and it feels right going to Sam . Little by little we are working organize the house . I feel like it is a preparation for something ? Maybe . I am not sure . For Gillian - she just loves to organize . She must have gotten that from my Dad . I am having trouble holding a fork , cutting my food , eating raw fruits and vegetables . Sitting with others over a meal is starting to make me a bit self conscious , I drop my fork often . I eat a bit slower than most . I awkwardly put food in my mouth , and sometimes I totally miss . I know that people are wondering if they should help me or offer their help or just pretend that they just don 't notice . I am not sure if I know what to tell them , or what advice to offer . Do I say " I will ask if I need help . " ? Do I pretend that I can still do it all ? Do I take people up on their offer of helping me when I don 't really need help ? I really don 't know . I am an independent person who no longer can do a lot by myself . I went to a funeral this week for a gentleman I didn 't really know . I know his family , and it was important for Ean to be there for his friend . I would be lying to say I wasn 't scared or worried about my own reaction to going to a funeral when I think about my own death as much as I do . The funeral service was lovely and I found it to be comforting in a strange way . The poems and prayers . Listening to his grandchildren speak so eloquently about their grandfather , huddled together at the podium , holding onto each other for support . Listening to my friend speak about her father very much in the way I would probably speak about my own father . All of this brought me to tears , yet made me feel like I missed out on something important and special by not knowing this man . I spent some time looking around at the people who loved him and thought how lucky they are to have known and connected with such a person . Adam and I were walking through a neighborhood going door to door asking people if we could pet sit for them . I knew it was summer because there were ladies sitting on their front porches drinking lemonade , wearing sunglasses and bathing suits . Every time we went to a house , the people said yes and brought us in and introduced us to their pets - hedgehogs and lizards mostly . One man - who looked like my Grandpa Sol - had us meet his bearded dragon in his backyard above ground swimming pool . When we got home we realized that we didn 't take down any names or addresses or get people 's house keys . So I jumped in my smart car and drove back to the neighborhood which was now under construction and the workers were picking up pieces of 2x4s from the road as I drove up to block my way . I kept having to find a detour , and I got lost . Eventually I found my way back to the highway and started driving home without any of the information I needed . I don 't particularly think my dreams mean anything . But if they did this one was chock full of meaning - finding a detour , not getting the information I needed . Feels a little like my life . I canceled a visit with a friend because of being tired and kind of cranky . I also had to change my bag this morning which is time consuming and honestly exhausting . I don 't like canceling on people , especially my friends . I decided I wanted Jello for breakfast ( no judgment ) . My Mom made me Jello with some canned fruit mixed in . Yes , my Mom made me Jello . Like when I was little ( again , no judgment ) . I took it out of the fridge , along with the cool whip ( can 't have Jello without cool whip ) . I spooned out some of the Jello into a bowl . And of course some of it spilled on the floor . Okay , no problem . I called the dogs over to eat the Jello , but they snubbed their noses at it . Hmm . . . how does a person in a power wheel chair clean up Jello from the kitchen floor without the assistance of their dogs ? Let 's try some paper towel . In my attempt to get the paper towel I rolled over the Jello . So now there is Jello on the floor and Jello on my power wheel chair wheel . And if I continue to move in the wheel chair the Jello goes all over the floor . This is a quandary . I managed to reach the paper towel with my stretched out arms . I threw the paper towel to the floor where it miraculously landed on the spilled Jello . Then I rode over the paper towel with my wheel chair which somehow picked up the spilled Jello and cleaned up my sticky wheel all at the same time . I was able to do something similar with a damp paper towel . Problem solved ! Well you would have thought I had landed on the moon with how happy this small accomplishment made me ! I began to laugh out loud which then made me cry because I am so tired . The dogs are looking at me like I am crazy . And YES , I still did eat Jello and cool whip for breakfast . For example I think my dog Jackson is beautiful . The rest of my family ( well maybe not Gillian ) would strongly disagree . Adam regularly calls him " little asshole " and that is NOT a term of endearment . Sometimes when I look at him I get so happy that I get that warm and fuzzy feeling in my heart . Yes , I am a crazy dog person . Maybe I see his beauty because he is so attached to me and loves me more than anything in the entire world . This week cousin Cindy , who is a very talented artist , sent me a portrait she did of Jackson : Just amazing , right ? ! I am not sure the photograph I took does it justice . I keep expecting Jackson to jump off the paper ! This is beauty . Not just because Cindy is an incredible artist and the work itself is fabulous . Not just because it is a drawing of Jackson and he himself is beautiful . More so because Cindy thought of me and took the time out of her days to create this gift for me . That in itself is beautiful . It just makes me so happy every time I look at it . Today Sarah and I went and did a little shopping and out to lunch . It was so much fun to sit and talk over lunch , and listen to her stories about college , and friends , and classes , and what the next semester might hold . I loved watching her pick out clothes and try them on . I appreciated her helping me in and out of the car and wheelchair , and showing compassion for me as I had some difficulty with some movement . This is beauty . It is time spent with my almost adult daughter , beautiful memories created , and moments to look back on when she goes back to school . A few months ago I was looking through some old photographs , and found one of pure joy . It was from one of our many trips to Ocean City , New Jersey , where Ean was standing in the ocean just as the wave was crashing above and behind him . I couldn 't really see his face in the photograph but his body reflected such joy - the image almost made me cry . I asked my Mom to paint this for me : This is beauty . Not just because my Mom is an incredible artist and the work itself is fabulous . Not just because it is a painting of my beautiful boy . More so because my Mom was able to encapsulate that moment in time for me in such a way that every time I look at the painting I will feel that joy . She generously created that for me . That in itself is beautiful . Gillian came home today after school and band practice . She plopped herself down in the living room where I was napping in my chair ( oh my goodness , I love this chair ! ) . She talked to me about her day and then after a while snuggled a bit in my lap . When Adam came home , she helped him get dinner ready . Beauty in the ordinary moments . Happy chatter , simple dinners , and smiles and laughter across the table . Ending dinner with a little chocolate cake didn 't hurt either . Beautiful Bella ( and her family ) brought us a bag of " love " just prior to us leaving for DC a few weeks back . In the bag were potted Amaryllis bulbs , not in bloom . We watered them well and left the plant on our kitchen windowsill . It should be noted here that I have a brown thumb . I typically kill every plant ever given to me within two weeks time . Maybe it was because I left it alone , but when we got back from DC the plant has grown considerably . Maybe it was because Gillian and Adam watered it , and I was just an observer . But this week the flowers bloomed : Beautiful ! Every time I look at these flowers A ) I can 't believe they grew to be this beautiful under my roof ; B ) I can 't believe this color exists in nature ; and C ) I smile ! Last week I cleaned off my dresser . It was REALLY messy . I typically keep special photographs tucked into the edge of my dresser mirror . I grew up with my Mom always doing that , and I followed suit . Due to the messiness of my dresser , most of the photographs had fallen down . When I was straightening up , I found them , and tucked them back in to their rightful place . Pictures of as many school friends as we could fit into the photo booth from Jess and Justin 's wedding ; a picture of Grandpa Sol and Grandma Bea ; a silly zoo picture of five year old Ean ; me and my beasties ; one of my favorite family pictures taken at Eli 's Bar Mitzvah - Sarah 's smile is dazzling ! This is beauty ! Memories that make me smile and reflect and happy . I 'll begin with Friday . Friday I went to see the Rabbi . And though most of what we talked about is really too personal to talk about in my blog ( even though I pretty much tell you everything ) , you should know that I felt comforted after I left . One thing that he said to me that has now become my new mantra is " You are more than your biology " . So now I know that I am more than my UC and my missing colon . I am more than the ALS and my curly hair . I am what I give , and love , and do , and inspire , and feel . I am more than my biology . And when my biology , or my body , is no longer here , I will continue to give , and love , and do , and inspire , and feel . All based on how I did those things in my life . They will continue to go on . Meeting with the Rabbi was emotionally exhausting . I went out to lunch with my parents which has become one of my absolute favorite things to do . I came home intending to nap , but I just couldn 't . Then friends came over , and I loved visiting with them , but I 'm afraid I wasn 't the best company because I could feel myself just fading away from exhaustion . At 9am we had our family photo shoot . The photographer came to our home and we took a bunch of family photos - even some in the snow ! I can 't wait to see them . Adam 's cousins Eric , Jennifer , and Eli came to visit from Cincinnati . We had a great visit . Adam 's brother and sister in law and nephew came over and we hung out and talked and caught up and reminisced . It was really lovely . I wish we lived closer to them as we all get along so well . We ventured out in the really icky , snowy weather and went to Rossis for dinner ( yum ! ) . We came back here for dessert and introduced our Cincinnati relatives to WaWa coffee . Most of the day I had this annoying cough . It wasn 't a " I have a cough , cough " . It was more like I was having a little allergy problem and I was coughing to be able to catch my breath better . It was a little disconcerting , but seemed to be manageable . I never felt like I wasn 't able to breathe , and I was trying to keep my body calm and serene so I wouldn 't panic and make it worse . I went upstairs to go to the bathroom and the toilet lift wasn 't on the seat , but I really had to go , so I used the toilet without the lift . I couldn 't get up when I was done . Our bathroom toilet is really low and the bars were of no help to me . I called for Adam , but he was downstairs with our company so it was difficult for him to hear me . I sat there for a little while , thinking about the craziness of being stuck on the toilet . Then I began to laugh . I was stuck on the toilet . This is what it was like when I had UC . I was always " stuck " on the toilet , but for different reasons . Eventually Adam heard me and came up to help me . He felt bad , but really it was okay . Going out in the snow in a wheelchair is a challenge ! We got to Rossis alright , but the handicapped spots were only sort of plowed . No fault of Rossis . Too much snow to keep up with . So Ean pulled me backwards through the snow and got me into the restaurant with very snowy wheelchair wheels and snowy sneaker feet . Then , of course , I had to go to the bathroom , so I asked Gillian to take me . I was able to manage in the stall until I had to get up . My feet were wet and snowy , the floor was now wet and snowy , and getting up myself was like being on a slip n slide ! So for the first time , Gillian had to help me in the bathroom . It was something I had dreaded - my kids helping me in the bathroom , seeing me that vulnerable . But she handled it like a trooper . It probably won 't be the only time . I ordered a Rossis burger with provolone and broccoli rabe , no bun . Delish . Another first . I wasn 't able to cut my food . Adam had to do it for me . My hands just don 't have the strength anymore . There are worse things , right ? Everyone back at our home by 10 am . Bagels , lox , whitefish salad , cucumbers , tomatoes . When the Dauers get together , we sure know how to eat ! In between all the eating my reclining lift chair got delivered . Everyone worked together to move furniture and fit the chair in the living room in such a way where I can transfer in and out of it myself and still be a part of the gathering when I use it . I love it ! The chair . I just sent a thank you note to the organization that funded the chair for us . They are called the Ellie Reynolds ALS Foundation . I explained to them something that they already know - that the chair is not just a chair , and the chair is not just for me . The chair is one more tool to make our lives just a bit more normal . The chair gives me the opportunity to sit and visit and talk and hang out just like a non - ALS person . The chair lets me be a part of this : I often dream at night of walking , running , using my legs in ways I can no longer . Sometimes I have a destination , sometimes there are people by my side . I have always had vivid dreams that I remember . Now - maybe because of some of the medications I am on - I remember at least one dream a night . Last night I dreamt I was in cousin Roszi 's ( pronounced " row - szee " ) apartment in New York City . Cousin Roszi was my Mom 's cousin . More specifically , she was my Mom 's father 's cousin . From what I remember , she lived in an upscale , sprawling apartment in Manhattan . When I was a young child we would go to her apartment on the Friday after Thanksgiving for an open house type of celebration . There were always the most interesting people in her apartment - some were distantly related to me , most were not . I remember men in turtlenecks , and women in elegant sweaters . I remember unusual food on the buffet , and the end tables covered with things I wasn 't allowed to touch . I remember the lighting to be dim and the conversations to be kind of boring . I remember the art on the walls . I remember that even though my brother and I were always the youngest people there , being kind of excited to go . I remember instinctively knowing that this yearly visit was very important to my Mom as she had very few living relatives . My mother is an only child , her family was originally from Hungary , and many of her relatives had perished during the Holocaust . This was a time to make a connection to her family , so I made sure to always be on my best behavior . In last night 's dream I was a young child , with my straight brown hair and bangs . I was wearing a dress that my mother had sewn for me ( orange , brown , and white ) , which I remember probably because I was wearing it in a popular family Chanukah picture . Though my body was that of a little girl , my mind was where I am now . I was in Roszi 's apartment and it was filled with all sorts of adults that I didn 't recognize . I found Roszi and reached up to take her hand . Her hair was white and in a bun . She was wearing a purple dress . She looked like the character Miss Rumphius , the main character of Barbara Cooney 's picture book of the same name . I asked her to take me to see the art . We began walking around her apartment , stopping at each painting and sculpture . Roszi took her time to discuss the art and the artist . She was very knowledgeable and I found her analysis of the work very interesting . I was walking with her , but she was almost floating , her purple dress flowing behind her . I remember feeling happy and intrigued . I think I was a teenager when Roszi stopped having her Thanksgiving open house . Long after we stopped going to see her as a family , I still wrote to her ; and when I was an adult with a family of my own , I always sent her a Chanukah card and a picture of my kids for Rosh Hashanah . My Mom would consistently trek into the city to visit Roszi in her later years , and would call her . After a while Roszi couldn 't hear very well , so my mother 's calls were to check in with her caregiver . Eventually Roszi died . Today I received a letter from a beautiful and thoughtful friend who has been reading my blog . She wrote to me about something that stuck with her from one of my posts . I had asked " will I be remembered " . In synopsis , my friend revealed to me her thoughts that long after one is finished with their time on this earth , their influence remains . I haven 't thought about Roszi in a very long time . In fact , I could probably count on my two hands the amount of times I had seen her in my life . Yet , last night I dreamt about her . I remember the influence my visits with her had on me . I remember the importance she held for my mother . Last night 's dream and my friend 's letter have made me realize that how we live our lives can influence each other in often unspeakable ways . After thinking about my shoes all day , Adam and went and I " tried on " my shoes to see what fits . Not much . I was right - my right foot is more swollen . I also didn 't really take into account that my toes on my right foot are in this weird rolled over position so when you try to squeeze them into shoes , it is really uncomfortable . With every shoe we tried , and every shoe we put into the donation bag , I found myself getting more frustrated and upset . It felt as though the shoes were pieces of me getting tossed because they were of no use anymore . We decided to keep all the sandals to try another day - maybe closer to a time when I would really be wearing sandals - and we didn 't even get to the dress shoes . I probably won 't even try those on as there is no way I will ever wear those again . The good part is now we have four bags of shoes to donate . I had many more shoes than I was aware of . And yes , today , I put on the dreaded , repetitive , sneakers . Sigh . . . While Adam was reorganizing my closet to neatly put back the three or four pairs of shoes that I can actually wear , he came across my school bag . It was brilliantly sewed for me by my friend Janet . I buried it in my closet last year when I knew I wasn 't going to be going back to school for a while ( who knew it would be this long . . . ) . I couldn 't bear to have it out . It was difficult to look at . Inside the bag was " the " large manila envelope . The one that I had carried around with me everyday since February of 2012 . It was the envelope I went to when I felt like I was being an ineffective teacher , or I was having trouble reaching a particularly difficult student . It was the envelope I went to when I was doubting my career choice or I had just stayed up until midnight for the third night in a row writing lesson plans . Almost every teacher I know has an envelope or a box or some sort of place where they keep the letters , cards , notes from students and parents that just keep them going when things get rough . I opened the envelope and spent some time mulling over the letters from parents , and the cards from the students . I found the letters written for me when I was Teacher of the Year . I read a letter written to me by a parent when it was thought that Governor Christie 's budget cuts was going to put my job in jeopardy . I shed some tears when I found the picture of me and Steve Mayer taken at the Teacher of the Year luncheon ( I miss my friend ) . I spent a lot of time looking at that picture . I was particularly intrigued with my legs . The picture must have been taken in the Spring , I was wearing a dress and sandals , and it must have been at a point when I was exercising and eating well because I looked thin and fit . My legs looked so strong ! I could see the definition of muscles . And I was standing . My body looks so different now . After spending some time with the envelope I put everything back in the bag and asked Adam to put the bag in the closet . I couldn 't bear to look at it anymore . And as we were going to sleep last night I cried . I cried deep and hard . I want my strong , muscular legs , and my upright body . I want my mind back in the classroom making an impact on students . I want interaction , and " aha " moments , and kid laughter . I long for the life I used to have and the person I used to be . I miss her . It is getting harder for me to change my bag because it requires me to be in standing position for a longer period of time than my body is comfortable with right now . Also because my right hand - specifically my right pointer finger - is in a slightly contorted position . Gripping things , holding things , doing that " pincher " move that you so eagerly wait for your baby to do with Cheerios , is all more complicated . I am still able to do it but the bathroom kind of looks like a war zone when I am done . But fuck it , I am still going to do it myself for as long as I can . I think I will ask if there are other PALS who have " Consuelas " on a few of the online support groups . Maybe they have a few tricks up their sleeves . Because of the right hand saga , I am finding it more difficult to type text , put my contacts in , pet my dogs , pick up a sandwich or a bagel , and scratch an itch . The itch scratching - so annoying ! I am right handed so my right hand instinctively moves to go scratch , and most of the time the itch is getting scratched by my pointer finger knuckle . Not a very satisfying scratch . I am attempting to train my left hand to be the itch scratcher . My left hand and leg are still stronger . Talking about legs ( we were , weren 't we ? ) , I have stopped wearing my brace on my right leg . Phoebe has gone into retirement . It became too heavy , just like the Physical Therapist told me it would ( grrr . . . ) . Most of the time , in order to move my right leg while in a sitting position , I have to use my arms to assist . So be it . The good thing is that I can wear shoes other than the sneakers I have been wearing EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past . . . forever amount of time . I just need to try on my old shoes and see what fits . The shape of my feet have changed . I guess because I don 't really move my toes and I sit a lot so they are swollen . It is just something I have noticed . I don 't want to seem all full of myself , but I have gotten really good at transferring from wheelchair to power wheelchair , or wheelchair to bed . Adam and I have it down to a science . We bought these slippers from Walmart with really good grips on the bottom . Once I am sitting on the edge of the bed , Adam slips those on my feet and pulls the step out from under the bed . Using the good grippy slippers and the height of the step , I can then push myself further onto the bed . It is our bedtime routine . SO romantic ! Today I am wearing my old lady sweatpants . I call them that because they are the same sweatpants my Grandma Bea used to wear ( no offense Grandma Bea ) . But they are really comfortable and easy to get on and off . So I wear them . A really long time ago when Lisa and her husband Marc moved to Florida , Lisa and I started sending a journal back and forth to each other in the mail . This was before email or the internet and definitely before social media . It was pretty cool . And for a while , like many years , we stopped doing it . And then I found it and we started it again . And then it stopped . And now Lisa just sent it to me . I have to admit I haven 't read it yet . I want to savor it . I want to sit down , at a time I am all by myself , and read the journal from the beginning . I want to think back on all those years ago and why I wrote the things I did . I want to reflect on the old feelings . I want to experience the growth and the change . Every year for New Year 's Eve , the neighborhood friends gather together at one of our homes . This used to include the kids , but as they have gotten older , less and less of them are with us . They go to friend parties , or stay in their own homes , or bunker down in their bedrooms with one or two friends . But I digress . Adam and I thought it would be too difficult for me to get into the home of the friend that wanted to host this year , so she " hosted " it at our house . She and all the other neighborhood friends brought food ( and food , and food . . . ) and drinks ( and drinks , and drinks . . . ) here . And we ate and drank and talked and watched football , and had our yearly neighborhood gathering that I look forward to every year . I don 't think I did a good enough job telling these friends how much I appreciate them doing this for me . At the end of the night , I hugged them and cried . Partly because I realized after a whole night of talking that I am starting to lose my voice . Predominantly because whenever I do a " yearly " thing now , I always wonder if it will be the last time . Or what kind of physical limitations will I have next year ? I have a regret that I need to get off my chest . I have been thinking about it a lot lately . A few years back I had a friend who had cancer . She was home , undergoing treatment . I told her I would go visit her . I never did . And then she passed away . I let my own life get in the way . I feel really bad about that . Adam and I are going to try to eat healthier starting tomorrow . I know - the old standby New Year 's resolution . People keep bringing us the most delicious food - latkes , chocolate , chocolate , cupcakes , chocolate , wings , chocolate , donuts , oh my ! But now it is time to get serious ! Well , maybe . . . When I was in my early twenties I shared a townhome with two other women . I became very friendly with one of the women , Judi . Judi was about the same age as my parents , and was more like an older sister to me . Even after I moved in with Adam , and we got married , Judi and I still stayed in touch . Even after she met her husband and moved to Missouri , we still wrote to each other once a year , usually around the winter holidays . I just received a Chanukah card and a lovely letter from her and her husband Pat . I was happy to hear from her , but soon grew a little sad knowing I had to write her back and tell her about my diagnosis . I wrote her back , telling her about all the good things in our lives - the kids , my parents , the dogs , etc . And then I told her about ALS . It sucks . |
sorry for the lateness everyone . I can honestly say moving and all it entails is truly a , well , a rotten thing . Then , last week I came down with strep . It 's time for this summer to end and give me a break ! * * Chapter 22 Don 't Fear the Reaper " Miss Lani and Josef will be downstairs momentarily . " Franklin hoped , but , it was apparent that there was more than scrubbing going on in the shower by the sounds which could be heard by any vampire 's ears . Beth looked down demurely , trying to hide the smile on her face but failing dismally . " Yes , well … " Mick said , grinning himself . What else could you expect in a house full of vampires ? " Cook is making breakfast for Miss Lani ; perhaps you 'd care for something yourselves ? I 'll serve it in the dining room if you would like , " Franklin asked . " That would be nice , Franklin . Is the terrace still free of sun ? That would be lovely because it 's cool , but hopefully not too cool for Lani . " Franklin was pleased with this genuinely caring young woman , always worrying about Miss Lani 's well - being . " I believe that would be a pleasant place for breakfast . What would you both like ? " " I 'd love a glass of A negative , if you have some , " Mick said , his voice low and his words almost clipped , a didn 't speak other than that , another sign that he was still upset about the drive last night that took them to his sister . Well , he was damn well going to have to get over it because enough of this hiding away was enough , Beth thought . " I 'll have whatever Cook is preparing for Lani . " She smiled at Franklin , engaging him with all her charm and for a moment she could see he grew a bit flustered . " Miss Beth , you might want something different … " he started , but she laughed . " No , seriously , whatever it is will be fine , Franklin . Thank you ! " Franklin walked to the kitchen and Beth was positive he was either muttering or chuckling , she couldn 't tell which . Hm , something with peanut butter , which was fine with Beth she decided . Outside , Mick and Beth sat in the cool shade of the terrace . It might be too chilly for Lani but they 'd wait and see . Beth looked at Mick who was staring stonily out across the grounds , in the direction of the guest house . " You ready to talk ? " He and maybe even a bit of fear . He finally sighed ; he knew it wasn 't Beth 's fault what happened , but he also didn 't know if he was ready to face it all either . " You have to , Mick ; you can 't keep hiding from it . And , you have to talk to her before the wedding . What 's going to happen when she sees you standing up there with Josef ? That would be a horrible shock for her . We just need to go and talk to her ; I 'll sort of ease her into it . " His eyes flashed brightly for a moment , but instead of anger they were filled with pain . She knew him so well , could always read his mind . He rubbed the bridge of his nose , something he always did when he was worried and then took an unnecessary the hell is she going to take this ? ' Oh hi , Mick . Gee we thought you died years ago . Welcome back ? ' " He scowled for a moment , playing out a you stood by me and we got through it . Yes , it might be a shock for her but you know what , Mick ? I spoke with her last night and let me inform you , she 's a lively and smart lady and I 'm telling you she 'd be happy to know you are alive . " " Alive ? " Mick asked , one eyebrow quirked upward . " You betcha , boyo ! Alive in the very best way , with awesome women with us forever . You complaining about that ? Stop being Donnie Doom ! Geez , Beth , how do you stand him ? " A smile twisted one corner of Mick 's stood up and hugged Lani . " I know it 's hard to get used to , Lani but we sort of tune it all out , like a filter system . You 'll understand once you 're turned , I promise . It 's okay , sweetie . " She sat down when Josef held the chair out for her and tried to regain her composure , spreading the napkin delicately over her lap . A panicked look spread over her face as she rested her hand on her belly . " Oh my god , something is wrong ! " All three vampires ' ears searched for signs of distress from the baby , but all they heard was a normal heartbeat . Perplexed , they all looked at Lani in question . " Lani , we don 't hear anything wrong ; I mean the heartbeat is steady and strong , Sweetness , " Josef said gently . All three nodded in agreement . " NO , I felt a pain ; I 'm going to lose this baby ! Help me , please and call Rose ! " Beth was already doing just that and spoke quietly into the phone , her voice so low that Lani couldn 't hear it properly . " Tell me what she says , " Lani demanded , tears streaking her face . " She says to just be calm and she 'll be here in a few minutes . Just try to remain calm , that 's her best advice till we know what is going on . " Beth said . Wait , they had to wait ? How could she ? She could be losing her baby . The miracle baby that she and Josef created . Wait . Just wait . OOOOOOOOOOOO Martin 's knew that his brother had such expensive taste in jewelry , especially the highest quality stuff to be found ? He 'd thought that he might get around 150 K for it all and instead it was actually worth well over a half a million . Turk knew some guy in Europe who collected that kind of million dollars at his disposal . He and Dorothy would be set for life in some small South American country that didn 't have US extradition . The good life , with Dorothy by his side . He was ready for it . He knew he 'd been a fuck up most of his life . His father had hated him , so had Marcus . Good riddance to both of them . And Clark … he 'd taken care of that bastard for sure . The years rolled backwards and the past stood right in front of him … 1979Don 't Fear the Reaper ] It he didn 't have a problem guessing what it was . Both she and Clark had been gloomy for the last week and neither one was any fun at all . He and Dorothy were walking to the parking lot where Clark would meet them . Logan felt bad for Dorothy , but he didn 't really know what to do about it . With electronics , he was a wizard , with girls , well , he felt awkward and stupid . Even with Dorothy who was like a sister . Both of looked up when they heard someone yell and saw Martin Parker picking on someone , a young girl who looked terrified . " He 's such a jerk , Logan . Why does he do that ? " Dorothy said as she watched Martin try to grab the girls ' breasts . Dorothy saw blazing fire in her eyes and dropped the bag that she was carrying with things from her locker , heading directly towards Martin . OH SHIT ! Trouble was now at their doorstep and Logan rushed to defend Dorothy who was already yelling at Martin . " Shut was a bit faster than him and dropped but the punch hit Logan instead , startling him with the blow . Logan knew that there was no way in hell he could kick Martin 's ass but the murderous look in Martin 's eyes told Logan that he wasn 't going to back down . Better me than Dorothy , Logan thought . He bent over and ran directly at Martin , his head connecting with Martin 's solar plexus . A loud whoosh could be heard and young girl had already run away and Dorothy decided Logan was right . She ran to get their bags and headed down the sidewalk but before they got more than a few steps away Martin was on his feet and he grabbed Logan from behind , pinning him around his neck . " What you gonna do now , boy ? I 'll tell you what ; I 'm going to kill you , right here . " Logan him go , Martin ! NOW ! " Dorothy screamed . " You jerk , stop it ! " Anger and fear vied for attention in her ; she was trembling she was so upset . She decided to run at him when she saw that no one was going to help . She sort of couldn 't blame them ; everyone knew Martin was crazy . Just ran to Logan , trying to get him to open his eyes . A quick glance showed Clark that Logan was shook up , but was breathing again . " You 've picked on the wrong kid this time , Martin . I 'm going to kick your ass and everyone here is going to watch and enjoy it . " As if on cue the group cheered Clark on but he stayed focused on Martin who was gathering his strength . " You gotta stick up for your pansy brother , huh ? Well , there 's going to be a time when you ain 't around , soldier boy and his ass is mine ! " " Not going to happen because I 'm going to show you what will happen if you ever touch a hair on his head . " Clark hit him hard , twice in the stomach and then kneed him in the shoulder when he bent over in pain . But he missed Martin 's next move and if Dorothy hadn 't yelled it could have proven fatal for Clark . He glanced down at Martin and saw that he 'd pulled a switchblade out of his pocket and Clark jumped out of the way seconds before Martin took a swipe at his legs . When the knife missed its mark , Martin jumped to his feet as quick as a cat and took a fighting stance , circling around Clark , trying to psych him out . " You 're dead , you know that don 't you ? And when you 're gone I 'm going take your girl , Clark . She 'll be all mine , soldier boy ! What do you think of that ? " Clark heard Dorothy cry out for a moment and cast a quick glance at her and that one brief glance was long enough for Martin to shove the knife at Clark 's shoulder . It hit with a glancing blow off of his shoulder blade , immediately leaving a red stain across his arm . Suddenly , two teachers pulled Martin away from Clark while another sat Clark down so he could look at his shoulder . " I 'm going to kill you , Clark . One of these days , I promise you … " Martin screamed as they pulled him towards the building . " What happened here , Griffin ? " Mr . Hack , the Assistant Principal questioned as they walked indoors to take care of his wound . " When I came out of the building I heard yelling and saw Parker going after Logan . He had his arm around Logan 's throat , and Logan couldn 't breathe . The story obviously starts before that though . " He looked at Dorothy and Logan who were standing nearby , watching at the cleaned the wound . Mrs . Benson popped her head in and said , " The police will be here shortly and all the parents have been contacted , Mr . Hack . " She like this . He turned and focused on Dorothy . " Well , Miss Turner , what happened out there ? " His tone was serious and scared her . " W … we saw Martin grabbing the br … , the um , breasts of a seventh grader , Rosa Mendoza , and it made me mad . " She continued on , describing it all with a mess ! Both Dorothy and Logan watched as Mr . Hack grimaced and shook his head . The older man wore the cloak of his position wearily and the strain showed clearly in his demeanor , his shoulders seeming to sag just a bit . An hour later the police , parents and school officials came to an agreement and went their own ways . Dorothy was in a instead of jumping in . Clark and his parents made a trip to the doctor 's office so they could take a look at the knife cut . The school officials sighed with relief that the school year was done and Martin was taken to the police station , his father following along behind , growing madder by the minute . Mr . Parker was tempted to let them put Martin into juvenile detention but knew that might help with the immediate situation , but in the long term wasn 't a good solution . No , the boy needed constant guidance and motivation to stop the crazy nonsense he seemed to thrive on . He made a deal with the police ; Martin he had Clark Griffin to deal with . He was going to kill that bastard , one way or another . It might take years but he 'd do it . And , in the process he 'd take what Clark cherished most - Dorothy Turner . She 'd be his and be spoiled goods . Griffin would never touch her again after he got through with her . He lay back in his bed , hands behind his head and grinned like a Cheshire cat . Yes , maybe it wouldn 't be such a bad summer after all . To be continued … out into the darkness for the little brown floppy - haired dog . " NOODLE ! " She didn 't see any movement and she didn 't hear him either , only the far away sound of an automobile coming down the hill . She needed to find him before he scampered out into the roadway . Silly dog didn 't have a lick of sense . She had searched the yard for a hole , or a broken board in the fence that he could get out of , but she hadn 't found anything . It was completely frustrating , and it made her madder than blue blazes too . How in the world did the little imp get out ? He was just too small to jump the 4 foot high fence , or at least he should be . Inside the house he couldn 't seem to make the jump up onto the sofa and she was beginning to think that he was playing on her sympathies . If he could jump the fence he could certainly jump up on the sofa or bed by himself instead of looking at her with his sad little puppy dog eyes as if to say " Please , mommy , I need help ! " Well , she wasn 't buying that one anymore ! So siree ! Never again . As she thought about it she knew that she 'd give into him , no matter how mad she was now . But one thing was for sure , she was going to get a fence he couldn 't jump ! " Noodle ! " Suddenly , she saw the glint of headlights around the bend in the road and she headed out to the road , frantically calling for Noodle . She spotted him just as the car approached . Thankfully the driver saw him too and came to a rapid halt . " Oh my goodness , he 's okay isn 't he ? I didn 't hit him ? " Beth said as she jumped out of the car and quickly picked up the errant ball of brown fur . Noodle looked at her for a moment and let out a whimper and Beth quickly handed him to Mrs . Carter . A glance at the mailbox startled her and she suddenly knew exactly who this woman was . She cast a look at Mick in the car and realized he knew who she was as well and was doing his best to be inconspicuous . He dad seemed to be calm in the back seat , which was a good thing at least . " You silly dog . Bad boy , Noodle ! " Mrs . Carter scolded but the only thing Beth heard in her tone was relief . " I believe I know who you are , Mrs . Carter . My friend Lani talks about you and Noodle frequently . She adores you both . " Beth cast a sideways glance at Mick , knowing that he could hear her words . He 'd be mad but sooner or later he had to face her . She was coming to Lani and Josef 's wedding and there would be no ignoring her there . " My dear , Lani ! How is she ? I love it when she comes to visit and last time she brought that dashing young man of hers . I am looking forward to attending their wedding . You surely must be Beth ? " " Why yes , I am . " Another glance at the car reminded her that Clark could be struggling and she needed to get them moving again . " I will look forward to seeing you at the wedding , Mrs . Carter , but I 'm afraid I must Carter watched the car move away and frowned at Noodle . " What IS your problem ? She 's such a nice girl , Noodle . Shame on you ! " Noodle ducked The three of them sat silently for a moment and then Beth asked Clark how he was . " I 'm okay . I could scent the blood and I have to admit it made me feel a bit weak just like earlier tonight but I sipped the blood and it was okay . " " What the hell do you mean , ' earlier tonight ' , Clark ? " Mick asked , piercing Clark with a burning look . " What happened ? " Clark window at Josef 's . I was afraid that something was wrong with Dorothy or the babies . " " Why didn 't you tell us that ? " The scowl on Mick 's face was a bit intimidating but Clark relaxed a little , sensing the blinding anger was over with . " I told Logan , I guess it just slipped my mind . Nothing happened , really . I looked in the window and saw that Dorothy seemed to be fine but that Lani wasn 't and I could scent the blood and went back to the guest house . Nothing happened . " He I did . Despite the circumstances , Mick , I can control myself , " Clark said , a hint of exasperation in his voice . " I 'm working hard on it ; I have to be ready for when the babies are born . I have to be . I WILL be , " he said and the conviction in his voice rang true for all of them . Mick contemplated his words for a moment . Okay , so he seemed to have some self control . Still , both times there was glass separating him from the human 's . That didn 't make him ready to re - enter the mortal world . But , he was ready to begin the socialization process Mick decided . Hoped . " Sorry , Clark - for the scare . " Mick knew that his anger had panicked Clark a bit and he felt bad about it . Part of that was due to Beth and his sister , but they could tackle that tomorrow when they were alone . But , he was still pissed about it . " Let 's take a quick ride through the mall parking lot . That way we can keep moving and not seem too out of place . bit bothered by it . He did sip from the cup a couple of times , but he remained calm . A movie had just gotten out at the mall and there were many people walking to their cars , which neither Beth nor Mick had counted on . She kept a distance from them but the heady scent of warm , human , pulsing blood was everywhere . Finally Clark said , " I think I 've had enough , Beth . Can we go now ? " " Of course . On our way , " she told him with a smile . " It was starting to get to me a bit too , Dad . " Mick felt great actually . The scent of the blood didn 't really bother me , but I really wanted to get out at the mall and just walk freely again . God , I miss that ! " His statement surprised both Mick and Beth . Still , it meant that he was coming along . He might just make it home for the birth of those babies yet . OOOOOOOOOOOO Martin pulled out of the building parking lot with enraged fury ripping through him in waves . Who the hell was that asshole who tried to question him ? He hoped that he 'd killed the bastard when he hit him . One tomorrow . He was getting new identity , completely new in fact and meant he 'd have to get the car registered in a different name , other than Vinton McCullough 's . Hell , maybe he 'd even get a different car because they were looking for this one now . Those bastards were not going to keep him from her , he 'd kill them all first . A smile swept over his face as he contemplated that thought and he sighed with the pleasure he 'd feel watching them die . A new identity would provide him with a whole new life . Maybe they 'd head to Mexico or down in South America somewhere ; take in some local color and he 'd heard you could live dirt cheat there too . It was always good when he had a plan and this was one of his best . OOOOOOOOOOOOOO The ride back to the guest house was mostly silent ; all three of them contemplating how the night had gone . For the most part , Clark was happy . He 'd been out , had been around humanity and hadn 't even been tempted to break out of the car . He knew that the windows were closed but he could easily scent the blood all around him at the mall . Clark knew that he was ready for more exposure and the sooner the better . His wife needed him and he had to be there for her and the babies . He HAD to be . Beth was impressed with her dad 's reaction to the evening . She felt sure that if he 'd really been determined he could have gotten out of the car and he hadn 't shown even the tiniest bit of need to do so . Mick was so worried about Clark going rogue that he just wasn 't seeing that he was doing fine . She didn 't understand why Mick felt the need to keep new vampires away from the world for so long . Had Coraline done that to him ? Curiosity made her want to ask questions but wisdom made her not do it . He wasn 't He was going to have to face it soon , but that event made her anxious because it would tear him up . She knew that he felt so much shame over what had happened to him . Talking to her would ultimately be a good thing , eventually . She hoped . Mick 's brain was working overtime . Was he being too hard on Clark ? Maybe he was farther along than he thought . And , after all , the fact was that Clark was Logan 's fledgling , not his . Coraline hadn 't kept him separate at all and he 'd killed ruthlessly but he couldn 't handle it and he ran to Josef 's , wanting to die . He knew what he 'd been capable of , what he took so much pleasure in when he 'd drained that young woman that night and the fear of that loss of control had always haunted him . How could he separate his actions from others ? He couldn 't bear the thought , the guilt that he would feel if he didn 't spare other fledglings the same thing , especially if keeping them separated for a while would prevent it . And that he 'd been turned into a vampire and that it had been dangerous to see his family ? Had it been ? He knew that immediately it had been but after awhile ? Coraline had said so , but he 'd also seen in the past year or so that it wasn 't necessarily true . He 'd cut himself off from everyone who had loved him for decades to protect them but he was beginning to believe that part of that was because Coraline didn 't want him to be around anyone except who she chose . God , that bitch was so screwed up . Which lead him back to Maeve ? Was she even physically strong enough to handle the news about him ? What if she had a heart attack or a stroke or something because he revealed himself to her ? What if ? He sighed in frustration and closed his eyes , wanting to shut it all out for a few minutes . Just a few minutes … OOOOOOOOOOOO Mick , Beth and Clark all rested fitfully that night . Excitement was the reason for Clark , finally feeling as if he was making headway and would be ready soon . Beth was still concerned for Mick , who had hardly spoken and also for Lani . She hoped that her friend had rested some this night . She and Mick decided to go up to the house when Logan got back to the guest house in the morning . Logan came back around 10 am , smiling a mile wide and with a satisfied twinkle in his eyes . It did Clark good to see and understand that his brother had needed the time and that it was well spent . Mick explained about the previous night 's adventures and Logan seemed happy about it . " Looks like you may be free before too long , brother ! " Clark beamed at the words . " I can 't say it 's too soon . Can we go out again tonight ? " he asked hopefully . " I don 't see why not , " Logan said and then saw the look of unease on Mick 's face and added , " We 'll be very cautious , Mick . " " Yeah , I know . " He closed his mouth then , trying to refrain from saying anything else . Beth house and it didn 't take a genius to see that Mick was still very tense . Clark told Logan about Mick 's sister and it all began to make a little more sense . " That 's going to be a real problem for him . He 'll figure it all out though . Beth will help him . " Clark nodded , knowing that to be true . OOOOOOOOOOOO " Good morning , my love , " Josef said to Lani , as she stretched in the bed and turned to face him for a morning kiss . Her warm lips lingered briefly against his cool ones as the kiss comforted them both . " Good morning to you as well my delicious vampire . " " How are you this morning , Lani ? Do you feel okay ? " A slight frown crossed her face as she thought about the question . " I still feel in a bit of shock about it all and I have to say I 'm more than puzzled about my reaction to it . I mean , I wasn 't close with him , far from it but it still hurt to know he died . Especially that way ! " she take you a bit of time to get over it . " " I guess . Have you spoken with my mother ? " Lani had a strange suspicion that he had . Her mother would have no clue about what to do in a situation like this . " Um , I spoke briefly with her last night . She wanted me to wake you up so she could talk to you but I refused . You needed your rest . " Lani nodded at his words but still sighed inwardly . She knew that she and Josef were going to have to take charge of the situation and she told Josef as much . Josef pulled her closer for a hug . " I know that , Lani . We 'll get through it all . Hopefully your father left her a large insurance policy and we can take care of the funeral expenses so she doesn 't have to deal with that . It will all be okay . " To himself he thought that one way or another , he would make sure that Helen would have plenty of money so she would stay the hell out of Lani 's life . She cherries that looked good enough to eat . He stared at her for a moment , feeling his passion for her grow each second . He wanted her fed but he also wanted her ! Just then there was a light tap on the door . " Yes ? " he asked , knowing that it was Franklin . " I 'm sorry to disturb you but Miss Beth and Mick are waiting downstairs . Shall I have them return later ? " " No , that 's okay , we 're awake . Can you get Lani her breakfast ? " He told Franklin what she wanted and wished he could see Franklin 's face at the odd order . " Certainly . I 'll tell cook to prepare it . Would you like it up here , or downstairs ? " " Downstairs . I can 't wait for Mick to see this , " he laughed . Lani gave him an impertinent and saucy grin then headed to the shower , winking at him . Ah , opportunity raises its head again . He wasn 't going to waste it this time . They could be quick , maybe ! To be continued … father was killed and the group gathered at Josef 's house . Lani was understandably shaken , even given the tenuous relationship with her parents . As the group tries to put the pieces of why and what was going sweetie pie , Audrey . As Dorothy heats some dinner in preparation for Jackie , the potential nanny to meet Clark , via Skype there are problems in the garage below . Martin shows up in a new car and runs over Madigan , who is standing guard in the garage after Madigan recognizes him . They decide to put more guards down there as Mick and Vaygar talk about safety procedures and Rose fixes Maddy 's broken leg . Martin asks Rose questions about how she received the gift of vampirism and why and Rose tells her a bit about it but assures Dorothy that she will understand all when the girls and their mates go to study the gift . Dorothy confides that the saw Clark outside the window and Rose is secretly pleased that Clark knew he wasn 't ready yet to be around humans . Still , she decided that they needed to get him socialized quickly because she knew that there wasn 't much time before the twins were born . Chapter 20 Home Dorothy got there . She hoped the she and Clark would have a few minutes alone to talk because she needed that connection with him . Seeing him watching her from outside the window had shaken her to her core , in both oh , Dorothy , it - it was so good , just seeing you for a minute this evening . But it hurt like hell to know that I couldn 't touch you and to … to know that I 'm not quite ready for that yet . " " What happened , Clark ? What 's wrong , honey ? " " It 's just , I could scent the blood and it made me feel a little weak , you know ? I hadn 't been prepared for that exactly , even though they have all told me that 's how I would feel . Damn , Dorothy , I need to get out of here , so that I can practice being around humans . I need to be done with all this ! " he told her , frustration ripe in his voice , making Dorothy 's heart ache for him . " I know , Clark . Hopefully it will be soon . We can make it just a bit longer , can 't we ? " " Yes . I 'd wait forever for you , honey . I just need to hold you , to smell the sweetness of you . It 's a very erotic thing for vamps , Logan tells me . He also says that vampires don 't have an ' off ' switch when it comes smile and the way his eyes sparked made her shiver with anticipation . Well , they 'd have their chance eventually . It was all just wishful thinking right now , between the pregnancy and his absence . But someday … " I think your guest is there , honey , " he told her as he heard the elevator ding , even over the computer . Dorothy she and Rose did . Dorothy knew that somehow , Jackie belonged with them . OOOOOOOOOOOO Josef climbed the stairs , heading straight to the bedroom after a quick chug of some A - . Not the way he preferred to drink it ; slowly as it soothed his inner urges . But his need to check on Lani , to hold her and appease the nagging worry inside of him that she was okay was the strongest requirement of his soul at this moment . If you believed that vampires had souls . Heroku had convinced him that they actually did so , he 'd go with that . When he reached the top of the stairs he saw Franklin peeking into her room , the worry that he felt etched starkly upon his face . " How is she , Franklin ? " " She seems to be resting but I don 't believe that it is a peaceful rest , sir . " Josef nodded solemnly , knowing in his heart that was true . " I 'm sure you 're right ; how could she with all that she 's been through ? " " Is there anything else I can get for you tonight , Josef ? Or for Miss Lani ? " Josef shook his head no and said , " I think we 'll be fine . " As Franklin started to protest , Josef smiled and said , " But I 'll call you if we do ? " " Yes , of course . Goodnight then . " Josef watched for a moment as his long - time friend moved slowly towards the stairs , his shoulders slightly hunched as well . His usual stride was full of vigor and an almost regal posture . Again , it showed how they both were taking Lani 's distress . They both loved her and that thought , of relief . Josef quietly opened the door and slipped inside . The drapes were pulled tightly shut and the only visible light , to a human anyway was the glowing numbers on the clock . He quietly took his clothes off and hopped in for a brief shower , partially for the invigorating qualities of the vibra - spray shower head and also to try to calm down . He didn 't want Lani to somehow sense , as she often did , that he was worried . What game was this asshole Martin playing ? Was it about money with his brother and if it was would he go after Lani or her mother next ? As far as Josef was concerned , he 'd applaud if Helen had an early appointment with death . Hell , it wasn 't as if he hadn 't thought about taking her for a nice sight - seeing trip to the tar pits himself , but he knew how much it would hurt Lani now . His precious Lani had existed in an emotional void growing up and yet she was the most loving and caring individual he 'd ever known . Well , Beth was too and it was all most likely because of Dorothy and Clark 's ability to provide a safe and happy home life . Because of that he 'd move heaven and earth to make sure that they too were taken care of . A few minutes later he stood silently , watching Lani sleep and listening to the soft , breathy sounds she made that were so comforting to him . When he slipped into the bed beside her she immediately rolled over and draped an arm across his chest as a silken smooth leg slipped over one of his . He pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her and breathed in her scent . He heard both of their heartbeats and once again a terrible situation in New York and because of that she gave Rose undying loyalty . She didn 't expand on what had happened , but the sadness and pain that showed on her face as she talked made Clark feel her pain . She had experience with basic medical procedures which was a boon where a newborn baby was concerned . She wanted a child of her own before she was turned , but as yet hadn 't found the right guy . Well , once she had , she said , but it was a long time ago . Apparently he wasn 't in her life now . She wanted to be turned someday as well . She really must be comfortable with vamps . " Jackie , I think you 'll be a perfect addition to our home . How do you feel about it ? " He already knew that Dorothy really liked her and trusted her as well . " I 'd love to take the job , Mr . Griffin and I can start as soon as you like . " " Please , it 's just ' Clark ' and you and Dorothy can work out those details . Thank you for being available to talk to me this evening . " " Of course , Mr . , um , Clark . I 'm terribly excited now . " She grinned and Clark decided that he really did like her ; there was something very vulnerable about her , which seemed quite silly really . Still , she was a great addition to their world . OOOOOOOOOOOO " Mick ! Beth ! I 'm so happy to see you ! " Clark said , rushing to hug his daughter . " How is your mom , sweetheart ? " " She 's fine , Dad , but she misses you like crazy . How are you ? " " I 'm okay . But I need out of here , soon . Can you help me ? I need to be around people so that I can adjust to the scents around me . I have to be out of here before the babies are born . I promised her , please , help me ? " The tone of his voice , a blend of sorrow and desperation made Beth and Mick look at one another with dread . They both knew how it bothered him , worried him and they had talked about some possibilities on the way here . Beth took a seat on the sofa and patted the cushion next to her . Clark sat down , suddenly dreading what they might say . " Dad , we understand how you feel , but it 's so soon , so risky . " " I can handle it , I promise I can . I know it has to be controlled and I can do it . Please , give me the chance to show you both , to prove it to all of us . Please , " he asked and the pain in his tone broke both of their hearts . " How about a short drive , Clark ? Under our terms ? " " Yes , yes , any terms you want . " " We 're will sit , buckled in tightly . If you try to come over the seat I 'll stop you , know that and we 'll head straight back home . " " Okay , that 's fine . Can we go now ? Please , I need to do this . " Mick reactions and he seemed fine . But the scents in the air were limited here , not like how it would be on the street . Mick tried to control his neither one of them was sure . They both knew that if he was really determined to get out of that car , locked doors or Mick probably couldn 't stop him . Neither would a window . " Okay , let 's do this . " Mick slid into the passenger seat and heard the ' click ' as Beth disabled the window and door locks in the back . Beth handed Clark an insulated cup full of blood to help keep the blood lust away . Hopefully … Sooner than they suspected they knew whether he was ready . OOOOOOOOOOOO Home As climbing up Logan 's legs . " Ouch ! Hey you two little fiends , watch the claws . He grinned and set Audrey down and picked up the boys , know exactly how you feel , Audey . Every night , when it 's quiet especially I can 't get you out of my mind . Girl , I really need you , " he was forgotten at this point , shed as quickly as their clothing . This was about need , pure , blazing desire , which was quickly sated for both of them . They both lay catching their breath afterwards , each wearing huge smiles . " Sorry , Audey . Uh , kinda wrecked that one . " She giggled and rolled over onto him , wriggling her hips against his immediately responding manhood . " No off switch , remember ? " She bent over to kiss him ; the erotic feel of her breasts against his chest brought a moan of desire to both of them . Audrey slipped him into her eager body , trembling from the intimate contact as she sank down and sheathed him completely . She leaned back as she moved on him , eliciting a long sigh from Logan . Even in the dim light of the room he could see her neck , stretching upward with her efforts . The beauty and grace of her neck transfixed him and his fangs lengthened with the need to bite , to let his vampire side out . Still , he restrained himself and placed his hands on her hips in order to guide her movement . Faster , quicker they moved until Logan suddenly turned her over and settled between her thighs , taking control . He kissed her , passionately setting them both on fire . Their tongues dueled and then grew softer as the danced the dance of lovers , softly stroking one another 's . He slowed the movement of their bodies , thrusting deeply and deliberately until they both were ready for the bite . Audrey morning Logan opened one eye and found Travis staring at him as he licked his rough tongue over Logan 's rougher cheek . He turned his head and saw Audrey staring at him wearing a mile wide smile . " Not funny , Audey ! Why did you let the fur kids in here ? " he grumbled . " Sorry , but I didn 't . " " Then how they hell did they get in here ? " he asked , trying to move his foot but finding it blocked by Plato 's body , lying comfortably between his legs . " Honestly , Logan , I don 't know ! " she said and he knew she was speaking the truth . He sighed and looked at the two cats , eyeing them suspiciously . " Okay , I don 't know which one of you was Houdini in a former life but a closed door means to stay out ! He knew for just a moment Travis ' eyes flashed silver . He was sure of it . To be continued . felt on edge , a decidedly untypical feeling for him , well until recently that is . Since he 'd been turned he seemed to be edgy about everything which Logan told him was common with new turns . Right now Logan was on the phone chatting with Audrey as they made plans for their He wasn 't sure ; something was wearing at his nerves like crazy but he hadn 't been able to identify it . Yet . It was as if something was in the air . He stood in his room , the window open to the fresh , chilly breezes and for a moment he could have sworn he scented his wife . Or at least what he thought her scent would be since he 'd been turned . He missed her , so damn much . Yes , he technically saw her each and every day but he needed to hold her in his arms , to reassure them both that their love could survive anything . Logan was a good sire and Clark appreciated getting to learn new things about his brother , but damn , he needed out of here . So far Logan adamantly refused to let him try to be around a human for fear of what would happen . if he could do it ? She only had two weeks before her due date and it looked like she 'd make it that far the doctor said . And that was another thing , he needed to be with her at the appointments so he understood more about what was going to happen . LA when Beth was born . Hell , he hadn 't even known Dorothy was pregnant . They 'd all kept it a secret from him for fear that he 'd go a little bit crazy . She stopped writing to him and wouldn 't accept the call he tried to made her when he was stationed in Germany . When he finally got leave and came home Beth had already been born . She 'd stolen his heart immediately but Dorothy wouldn 't talk about anything , wouldn 't even see him . She said she wasn 't mad at him and denied that she was seeing anyone else , but he was past the point of believing that babies were found under cabbage leaves . His friends all said that she hadn 't been seen with anyone else and it drove him nuts , wondering who the apparently absent father of that adorable baby girl was . no pride that he would be willing to settle for someone else 's leftovers but he didn 't look at it like that . He 'd left , he 'd left her alone and missing him and she 'd evidently turned to someone else . Or so his way . The main house was lit up tonight , much more than usual but it was the scents that made him pay attention . There seemed to be a pervasive air of … was it pain , or sadness ? Something was wrong , he knew it . He could still hear Logan on the phone in the living room . He headed to the back door , just to step outside for a little fresh air . The breeze was brisk out by their small pool , blowing from the direction of the main house . Yes , something was definitely wrong up there . He could smell the distress but also there seemed to be a wave of something like , well , he wasn 't sure . It wasn 't a scent he was familiar with . Like , maybe like , heartache , loss , he couldn 't be sure . Then it hit him , someone had died , he was sure of it and fear clutched at his heart so strongly that had he been human he would have died . Oh God , please , no one I know ! Not my family ! What if Dorothy had lost the babies ? Without thinking he headed to the His wife , his mate . She was sitting on the couch next to Lani , holding her as the young girl cried . Beth was there too , so they were both okay . But Lani wasn 't . He pulled in the scents , of vampires and the human scent of blood and for a moment it pulled him towards it but he fought hard to resist the urge . The blood , sweet , warm … alive . He could control the need , the emotions , he kept repeating that thought like a mantra . Through the window he could even see the blood pulsing in Lani 's neck and it was almost hypnotic for him , He continued to gaze into the window at his wife , his heart and body aching for her and suddenly she looked out the window and saw him . He took a step closer , almost touching the window all the while sending her every bit of love and support that he could . Her eyes remained locked with his until he stepped back away , sinking into the shadows of the night and blending into the landscape . His family was safe , but he knew that someone in Lani 's world wasn 't . The hardest thing he 'd ever done was to turn and walk away . He felt as if he were magnetically being pulled towards his love but it wasn 't time yet and he could feel it . Halfway back to the guest house he found Logan , running wildly towards him . I knew something was wrong . I was so afraid that Dorothy or the babies … " he said , his words trailing off in the chilly night air . " They 're fine , but something is wrong with Lani . " " You went up to the house ? " Logan said , a tone of panic making the words sound shrill to Clarks sensitive ears . " Yes , I had to see , Logan . I need to get back to the house and have some blood . " understood immediately what had happened , that Clark had realized that he wasn 't ready to be around humans yet . He felt so terrible for his brother , for his fledgling . He put his arm around Clarks shoulders and said , " Yes , let 's go . Josef just called , Lani 's dad was murdered last night , Clark . By the same person who attacked you , Martin Parker . " killed his own brother ? I wish I would have killed that bastard years ago , Logan . That day before right before I went into the army , I could have . Oh my God , his own brother ? Not that Marcus was any prize as far a moment she was afraid she was seeing things , that her eyes were playing tricks on her and yet , she knew that wasn 't it at all . He 'd been there , outside the window , staring at her . First her heart had nearly stopped and then it beat so rapidly that Beth cast her a concerned look . She gave her daughter a slight smile and tried to focus would be hard to find peace with , not to even mention the fact that it was her uncle that did it . Lani seemed to feel guilty about her relationship with her father and Dorothy could understand that . Still , when all was said and done , regardless of your relationship , dealing with the death of a parent was a horrible tragedy . Lani 's feelings for him were so complicated ; she hated what he 'd done , to her mother , to her " There 's got to be a connection between Clark 's attack and Marcus ' murder . But what ? " Beth asked , frowning as she thought about it . " Mom , you grew up with Martin and Marcus , were they close ? " don 't know , really . I mean , Marcus was 6 years older than me so I never really knew him . I mean , he was around sometimes , summer and holidays I seem to remember but I don 't know how he got along with his brother . " Mick watched Dorothy as she spoke and he knew that she was telling the truth , up to a point . She was leaving things out , he 'd bet on it . But why ? Was she trying to protect someone and if so , who ? they get along with Clark ? " Mick asked and heard Dorothy 's heart jump and then pound . A glance at Beth told him that she 'd heard it too . well it wasn 't really my story to tell , you know ? The good thing was that Martin spent his last year of school in a military academy somewhere . Without Clark there heaven only knows what would have happened to Logan . " what her mom could have been like back then . She knew she was pretty , but what did she do ? What music did she listen to ? Did she and her friends get into trouble , like she had with Robbi and Lani ? It suddenly in her mother 's life . Whatever it was didn 't turn Clark away from her obviously . What exactly was the story ? Who the hell was her father ? little while later Beth followed Dorothy and Vaygar home to gather the overnight bag for her and Mick . It had been decided that they would still stay with Clark and Dorothy would stay home so that Jackie could meet Clark . There wasn 't anything else that could be done for Lani tonight . Rest was the best thing for her ; that and Josef screening her calls as her mother had called twice , demanding that Lani be woke up because she needed to talk to her . After he discovered that all she wanted was to whine ( his opinion ) he refused to wake Lani . Mick was concerned about Beth ; were any of them safe now ? There was definitely a connection but he didn 't know what it was . At the last minute he decided to follow Beth so that they could ride back to Josef 's to have to accept it . The connection , what was it ? He tapped at the steering wheel of the Benz as he drove , focused on the question but no answers came to him , save one that he didn 't want to believe . " I agree ; we can 't be too cautious in this matter . Until we know that she 's safe I intend to make sure she is protected at all times , whether she is thrilled with the idea or not . So you think what happened today is related to Clark 's attack ? " " Yes , that too but I believe there has got to be a connection between what happened to Clark and now Lani 's father . I 'm going to talk to Clark tonight , but it 's just too much of a coincidence . And Dorothy seems to be the connecting factor to all of this . " hope you 're right , but my gut tells me that there is a lot more to it . Dorothy said that Martin used to pick on Logan and Clark stood up for him but what , " Mick paused for a moment , hesitant to finish his sentence . " What if Dorothy was a catalyst ? That the rivalry was actually about her ? Dorothy had Beth after Clark was in the army , Vaygar . " fool of a brother had kept $ 165 , 000 in the safe and enough jewelry to at least double that amount . He 'd have to find someone to unload the jewelry with and maybe it would be safer to remove the stones and sell them and the settings separately , he wasn 't sure . He used to know a guy two years ago . He 'd had a stroke of good luck , seeing him in Bernalillo that day . They could be twins and the old fool didn 't have any family either . He followed him for a few days and saw that he had definitely gotten lucky - due to a serious injury a few years before Vinton collected disability insurance and farmed out his land . Nothing to do but sit back and collect the rewards . Not that there was a lot of money , but he got by okay . So , he just slipped into Vinton 's life , learning to write like he did , to talk like he did and if anyone suspected that he was impersonating him , well , they never said anything to him . He took it from Vinton 's address book that they ole boy didn 't have much in the way of a social life or friends . Martin knew that for a fact because trying to strike up a friendship with him had been harder than meeting the queen . Now his fortunes had changed again ; money , lots of it with more to come . Yeah , it wasn 't a windfall exactly , but it was enough to keep him going for awhile , enough to support him and Dorothy after he got rid of that baby she was carrying . First he had to find the bitch . and then back again . She wasn 't there , he could tell , so where the hell was she ? She had to be at that daughter of hers place , but it was hard to know for sure . He headed the Taurus in the direction of downtown to drive by the apartment building where her daughter lived . As he got close he slipped a baseball cap onto his neatly cut hair , liking the super - short cut . He turned into the parking garage and slowed down to take a look at the cars parked in the visitors spaces . There ! He spotted it , her Lexus , sleek and silver and undoubtedly a gift from Clark Griffin . He idled for a moment and then saw someone walking to him so he put the car into gear and started to move forward . of your damn business ; they 're not here anyway . Now get the hell out of my way , " Martin yelled , easing forward on the gas . " MOVE ! " he was dead as he raced out of the parking garage . He knew where she was , where she was most likely staying . He 'd get to her , somehow . He wasn 't sure exactly how yet , but he 'd figure it out . OOOOOOOOOOOO He listened and headed out the door at a run , signaling Mick to follow him . " Madigan was run over , downstairs . I 'm going down the stairwell , " he said as he opened the door and leapt over the side railing . Mick followed and a moment later they were downstairs and at Madigan 's side . Rose got there a minute later having taken the elevator . Madigan was a mess , covered in blood with a bone sticking out of his thigh . " Son of a bitch ! " Vaygar exclaimed and then shut his mouth quickly as he saw Rose enter the garage at a run . Mustn 't speak such words when ladies were present he reminded himself . bent to examine Madigan 's leg and let out a long breath as she checked it out . " Sorry , Maddy , but this is going to hurt . I have to put it back into place so it can heal properly . " held his shoulders and Rose tugged and twisted and the bone snapped back into place . Madigan let out a howl that was followed by a curse and earned a severe look from Vaygar . He looked down sheepishly , knowing how Vaygar felt about such language in front of ladies . Rose There were six of them staying in that apartment with Brody and Mick knew he needed to find more space for them . There was an apartment that was going to be vacant on the 10th floor soon and he planned on converting it for their use . He knew that they were pretty cramped where they were . sir , I think so . He had a different car though and his hair is short now . This guy had a ball cap on but he was stopped by Mrs . Griffin 's car and when he saw me he got ready to leave . I told him to stop and he doors to the elevator opened and Vonn and Rueben stepped out , ready to take their posts . Vaygar filled them in on what had happened and both listened carefully . " He won 't get back in here again , Vaygar . " Both men nodded solemnly and watched as the group headed to the elevator . Their comrade Madigan looked like hell and both of the men prayed that the bastard would come back . They 'd take care of him ! Beth , and tell him I love him . " She tried to keep her emotions under control but there was a curious scent to her when she talked about him and Beth couldn 't figure out what was causing it . Her mother just seemed to have a glow about her . then . Is this the bag ? " he asked , nodding to the obvious bag that was sitting on the floor by the door . " Stupid question , huh ? " he laughed . Beth grinned and said , " Well , aren 't you the smart boy ? Come on , genius , let 's go ! Mom , see you in the morning . " and Rose both took a plate of lasagna and went to sit at the table to eat . " This is really good , Dorothy . Your mother 's recipe ? " more like my grandmothers or maybe even older than that . A family tradition , " she said with a smile . " When you were human , did you have things like that ? " guess is a good way to describe it . Not that there wasn 't ' recipes ' , there were , but more like roasted meat , fruit or vegetables . Those were Mick doesn 't , but I think that 's changing . He has so much potential and the things he will learn and be able to do will win him over . " Rose wiped her mouth and hands with a napkin and continued on . " Look , Dorothy , anytime there is something wonderful , there is jealousy by others . Jealousy can make people do terrible things . When it was discovered early on that if we turned someone , they didn 't possess our gifts , it sparked hatred and rage . The only way to have our gifts is by being a birth descendant and many people didn 't like that . So , they turned the gift to something dark and evil . That made it powerful , in all the worst ways and the evil was prolific as well . " reason for that was simple ; people should have a choice whether or not to accept the gift . The world seemed a much smaller place then , Dorothy . The enormity , the extent of the world and its inhabitants now was pretty much incomprehensible at that time . " As she spoke the last words Dorothy thought that Rose looked very sad . to study , as will Beth and Lani and your mates . There is much to learn , but there is a method to doing that . Please , you must accept that . " " Alright , I am very curious , but I understand . I 'll try to stop asking so many questions , " she said with a smile . She stood up and picked up their empty plates and carried them into the kitchen , with " Here , let me load the dishwasher . Jackie should be here soon so you can go boot the computer if you like . You are going to Skype with Clark aren 't you ? " could have been worse , Rose realized . He could undoubtedly scent the human blood and yet he didn 't try to attack , an excellent sign . They needed to get him socialized quickly because from her opinion of Dorothy 's pregnancy , the babies were dropping , moving towards station zero so there wouldn 't be too much longer before the births . She licked nodded , understanding that . " Dorothy , he 'll be ready by the time of your delivery . They are working towards that , you much understand that . " a little . I just have this ominous feeling , in the pit of my stomach about it . There is a black cloud hanging over us and I can feel it . It 's … it 's in the air . " Hi Everyone ! I hope you all had a wonderful holiday ! Things were very hectic here and might be for a while still but I wanted you to know a couple of things . I now have a Twitter account , Hopesjourney226 so if you have a Twitter account you might check in . From time to time I 'll be posting clues and information about the story ! You can also get info on my Facebook page , Cyndy Klein Hodge ! I 'd love to see you at either or both places ! ! her mom tight and held her for a moment , scenting the distress that Dorothy was trying to hide . " Are you sure you 're okay with Rose being here with you ? I could have Lani and Josef come instead , you know ? " be silly . I 'll be fine . Actually , I 'm not sure why you feel like I need someone here at all because Vaygar has his men everywhere ! On the roof ? Good grief , that man is going to drive me nuts . I keep looking around every time I take a shower , positive that someone is hiding in the linen closet ! And don 't forget that Jackie is coming over to chat with Clark on Skype , so he can meet her . " The last words were said with a It was heartbreaking to see her mom hurting so much ; Beth knew how it would feel if Mick couldn 't be with her and she was sure it was the same for her mom . Dorothy tried to be positive about it all but Beth could see that deep down she was miserable . Which made her feel more guilty for going with Mick tonight . It wasn 't so much that she needed to be with Mick as it was that she wanted to see her dad , a purely selfish move on her part . She paused a moment in her packing , lightly chewing her bottom lip as she thought about the situation . " Mom , I think I will stay home . I know you 're fine and that you will be fine , but I just don 't feel right about leaving you here . " " You will go ! ! I 'm right here and I 'm fine ! Yes , I miss him with all my heart , Beth but he 's there , cut off from his world , struggling to get himself and his emotions under control . He needs to see you ! He needs the familiar , loving touch of his family , Beth . How dare you deny him that ! " The vehemence of Dorothy 's words startled Beth . She 'd been so focused on how her mother was feeling that she 'd forgotten what her dad must be going through . She remembered how lonely she 'd felt at times when they were in Seattle . Not that Mick wasn 't wonderful to be with but she 'd missed the people in her life , the people she cared about and sometimes the phone just wasn 't enough . " You 're right , Mom . I was so focused on you that " Thank you , Beth . That means a lot to me , but it will mean even more to him . He is so lonely , honey . I 'm very worried about him . " Beth understood what her mom was saying but she also knew that her dad was okay basically . He wasn 't in any physical danger but they didn 't know for sure whether or not that was true for her mom . Each day Mick felt more strongly that Dorothy could be in danger and he welcomed the help of Vaygar and his men . " Lani , I 'm sorry , but you have a visitor and I think you should speak with him , " Heloise said . Her first thought was that something was wrong with Josef , even though she knew that was ridiculous . " Who is it , Heloise ? " " There was a break in at your parents house last night . I 'm afraid your father has been killed . Lani , I 'm so sorry . " wasn 't there apparently . She 's on her way back to LA from Palm Springs . The housekeeper found your dad this morning when she came to work . Lani , would you like me to call someone ? Beth , Josef ? " nodded , wishing she could breathe . She tried to pull air into her lungs but they weren 't working . The next thing she knew she felt a light - headed sensation take over and she sat back the chair , trying to suck in gulps of air . Heroku and Cami came into the office and Lani went to sit on the couch , her eyes filling with tears as Cami sat down next to her and gave her a hug , telling her it would be fine , trying to reassure her friend . It took less than 15 minutes for Josef to get there and as soon as he saw her his heart broke . He scooped her up into his arms and held her close , murmuring soothing words to her and trying to calm her down . Heroku and Cami left the office and Carl sat by nervously , waiting to see if there were more questions . " It happened sometime last evening , ME puts time of death around 11 pm . He was stabbed , multiple times . " He watched Mick 's expression carefully to see open and empty . We think that Marcus Parker opened it himself because there was no damage to it and no fingerprints other than his . Luka is there on the scene while they process the crime scene for as much information as they can gather . Her mom wasn 't there , no one but Marcus Josef nodded tersely and went back to the couch . " Lani , I 'm taking you home Sweetness . Beth , would you like to come with us ? " " I know I don 't have to but I need to . I can sometimes see things that you can 't Mick . It won 't delay me too much . Let 's go . " couldn 't say or think a single decent thing about Marcus Parker . Growing up he 'd been a cruel bastard with a brutal streak . He 'd finally the morgue when Guillermo pulled the cover off of Marcus Parkers body and waves of fear and anger rolled off of it . It hit Beth in the gut and she sucked in a deep breath , almost doubled over with the pain and lost in the moment he 'd died . She saw him on the floor , trying to fight those eyes , they same eyes behind the mask of the man who had attacked her dad . She looked at his face , trying to remember it so she could describe it . There was something familiar about it , but she couldn 't think , this close to Marcus ' body . She was right there , she could scent opened her eyes and tried to step away only to realize that Mick was holding her up . His beautiful eyes were watching her with love and concern . She tried to give him a smile but knew it was impossible . nodded , agreeing with her . " Come on , Beth . Let 's go sit down and you can tell us what you saw . Guillermo , can we use your office ? " swallowed hard , trying to get herself under control . It was so vivid , so graphic . Hate and brutality tainted the scene , washing over it in a dirty rush and she 'd picked up every bit of it . This was a crime of passion , not just some random burglary . This guy knew Marcus . If so , what was the connection to Clark ? of what you saw , baby . It was a pretty wicked scene . " He looked into her blue eyes that were so full of pain and distress and he wanted to be worry about that later . If he 's the same guy that attacked Clark I doubt if the police will be involved . " He looked at Mick who nodded . They both knew exactly what would happen if they found the guy . was frantic ; she needed to be with Lani ; she loved her and wanted to support her . But going to the mansion had risks ; she 'd be so close to Clark and yet wouldn 't be able to see him . How hard would that be ? Could she control her need to see her husband ? She had to , she had to be there for Lani . She picked up the phone and then realized how senseless that was ; instead she walked out into the hallway , under the watchful eyes of one of Vaygar 's men and knocked on the door of Brody 's apartment which was functioning as Vaygar 's base of operations . opened the door with a smile and a slight bow . " Knock it off , Vaygar ! Don 't you ever stop ? " she asked , irritation in her voice . " I need to go " Oh course , mila … um , Dorothy , " he said , checking himself before the ' milady ' came out . For some reason the genteel courtesy irritated her . He couldn 't help but wonder if it was due to the late stage of her confinement . Who was he kidding he realized , there was nothing ' confined ' about this woman . " Might I ask why ? " " You may , but I don 't have to tell you ! " she said in a bit of defiance . At his worried look she felt contrite and added , " Lani , her father has been killed . I need to go and be with her . She 's like my daughter . Please , can we go quickly ? " check . " Yes , it will but sometimes we have to put aside our personal feelings . Lani needs me . I 'm strong , I can do this . " " To be sure , you are quite strong , Dorothy . Please , it 's chilly out so do gather your cloak and then we 'll go . I 'll take you personally . " you , Vaygar . " Her words were quietly spoken and deeply felt . She had such a big heart he knew and for a moment he thought about how lucky a man Clark Griffin was to be wedded to such a woman . worked with Sergeant Edie Petrowski at the composite computer for an hour , trying out different chins and face shapes and such . While the face was vividly implanted into her mind she found that actually describing him was a bit tough . As the picture began to take shape Mick Carl pull up the DL picture of Vinton McCullough . " You 're right , it 's close , but somewhat different . Eyes for one thing and look at the nose , that 's different too . " Carl printed it out and they kept it with them when they went back to the composite computer but didn 't show it to Beth . When Beth felt the picture was done she stared at it , more convinced than ever that she knew this man . Sergeant Petrowski printed it out and asked if Carl wanted a BOLO put out on it . " No , right now we 're not even sure if this is the guy we want . But thanks , Edie . Can I take the picture ? " If he thought that it would bring Lani comfort he 'd move her in , lock , stock and barrel , but that wasn 't the case . Lani and her mother would have to work together for the funeral arrangements but he hoped that her exposure to that miserable woman would be limited to that . He knew for a fact , from Ryder 's investigation into the Parker 's finances that she 'd be well - taken care of so at least he wouldn 't have to deal with that . " Dorothy , " he said , taking her hand and then hugging her lightly . He could feel her tremble and knew that this was very hard for her . " Thank you for coming . Lani is in the den and I know she 'll be happy to see you . It means so much . Would you like some tea or juice ? " " No , thank you , Josef . I 'll just go and see Lani now . " got his meaning and shook his head no and then looked around the foyer with interest . Opulent and yet it wasn 't austere feeling at all . He followed Josef down a hallway into a very comfortable and warm room , both in temperature and detail . It was large , with plush leather books and many of them were extremely rare , Vaygar realized . A fireplace crackled quietly in the background , the flames low more as a visual comfort than for warmth . Dorothy was already sitting on one of the couches , holding Lani tightly as she cried , stroking her hair and patting her back . Quiet words of comfort where murmured into her ear but they mattered not at this point . The child had just lost a parent and that was never an easy burden . Franklin hovered in the doorway , completely unsure as to what to do . He cared about Miss Lani with all his old heart and he 'd do anything to take this pain from her and lift her spirits . It had been centuries since he 'd lost someone he 'd been connected to , in the human world and the memories were vague at best . Josef cast him a sympathetic look as he sipped a glass of scotch near the fireplace . His look said it all , there was nothing to do at the moment . Dorothy finally got Lani calmed down a bit and sat with her arm protectively around her . Josef remembered the night that Beth had been turned and Lani 's grief , how Dorothy had done the same thing . That was the night that he 'd decided that Dorothy Griffin was an amazing woman ; she shared her love openly and freely . nodded and reached out and laid her hand on the usually stoic vampires arm . " I know , Franklin . We 'll get her through this though . I saw who did it ; now all we have to do is find him . It was the same man who attacked my dad . " " You 're sure , Miss Beth ? " Franklin knew that she possessed some very accurate skills when scenting a scene . Josef had remarked on it a number times . He said there was no getting around the fact that she was always dead on . He hoped that this was the case this time . He nodded and said , " They are in the den ; your mother is here as well . May I get you something to drink ? " If she was shocked by the news that her mother was here she didn 't show it . Actually , she 'd expected it and was even glad for Lani 's sake . She smiled at Franklin again as both she and Mick declined his offer . He looked lost ; his way of helping was action and yet there was nothing for him to do . He led them down the hall to the den and Beth immediately went to Lani and her mom , while Mick joined Josef and Vaygar by the mantle . He accepted a scotch from Josef and sipped slowly , watching the Josef sipped pensively , quietly but Mick saw the deadly look in his eye . They spoke quietly , in vamp tones and he filled Mick in on the situation with Lani 's mother . Mick was also filled with a sense of outrage because of that callous , spoiled woman . Yes , he knew the story now , from Beth about Lani 's upbringing but this was a situation where she needed to worry about her daughter and show a little who did it and it was the same guy who attacked Clark . We have a composite of him and she is sure she 's seen him in the past . " Lani was wiping her eyes and took a sip of some water that Franklin had brought in . She was pale , ghastly pale and Josef was glad she wasn 't crying any longer ; that was good . " Lani , Sweetness , Beth saw who did it . She has a picture of him . It was the same man who attacked Clark . We 're going to find him and take care of him , I promise you , " Josef said and watched as curiosity sparked in her eyes for a moment . that true , Beth ? You saw him , in … in your mind ? " Lani wasn 't exactly sure how it worked but she knew that Beth was good at it . did . We did a composite picture of him and I swear I know him from somewhere . Unfortunately , I don 't know where , " she said with a frown . " Do you want to see ? " saw the picture as well and her worst nightmare had just came to knock on her door . Her first fears , after Clark had been attacked all came rushing back and she knew that she was going to have to tell her story now . She had to tell Clark the truth first though , he deserved it . She what he 'd said in the past . Having Vaygar and his men around was a comforting thing because she had the babies to think of now . Her eyes closed tightly for a moment and she took a deep , steadying breath . Lani said , " That 's my uncle Martin . Of course you know him but it 's been a number of years . Yes , definitely it 's my uncle Martin . " |
4 Replies Dan always had a lot of possessions . Even in his early Beat Pad days , he had tons of records , wooden crates stacked with decades of Life Magazines , huge speakers and lots of stereo sound equipment , band equipment and instruments , oil paintings , clothes a plenty , furniture , appliances , etc . When we moved to New York , we hauled it all up six flights of stairs to our sublet on Avenue B in the Lower East Side , . Once we returned to Georgia and owned a three bedroom home with closets , an attic , a garage , a utility room , and a basement , Dan would accumulate even more . He worked in construction and came across things all the time that were cool or had some value or purpose , and he would drag them home . If something broke , it did not have to fear the trash heap . It would end up in our basement , saved to be repaired even though Dan had never in his life spent a Saturday repairing anything . His connection with music and former bands brought in more items to store such as towers , wooden risers , carpet , drape , recording equipment , most of it obsolete . Everyone has stuff , right ? But gradually , over the twenty years we lived in our house , Dan 's accumulating reached critical mass . Seriously . He even wanted to store equipment towers and unwanted tables in Max 's room . Why Max 's room in a home with a garage and a utility room ? Because everywhere else was too stuffed with stuff ! Was he hoarding out of unhappiness ? I know he was unhappy with his limited success in music . During our last years together , he no longer had his own band . He played in a cover band ; he liked it and his band mates , but it was not a vibrant creative outlet for him . As for his personal life , his life with Max and me , was he really all that unhappy ? His mother has told me that she does not think he was . I don 't think he was either . I remember , for example , after a particularly good meal that I had cooked , and as we had sat there with Max talking , he said , " I love my family ! " And he looked around at me and Max and meant it . He would tell me of guys at work who were married to women they described as " psycho bitches from hell " and tell me how glad he was I was not like that . Once he had reached an understanding with her and she had agreed to fly to America to visit him , he needed a place for her to visit , he needed his own apartment . Fate smiled on him ; he immediately found an affordable efficiency in an in town neighborhood . All very nice for love nest purposes , but note , I said efficiency . Dan the pack rat could not pack much into an efficiency . And sure enough on Crack - up night when he told Max and me that he was leaving and in minutes was out the door for the last time , he took very little . In the weeks prior to that night , he had secretly supplied his new apartment from our basement with camping pots and pans and household things left over from a yard sale . And , of course , he had culled through his closet and dresser drawers for the summer clothing he wanted and taken a few toilet articles . But much , much was left . His announcement to me and Max that he was leaving came on a Thursday . Two days later was the Dylan concert that we strangely attended together , and the next day was Sunday when he had arranged to borrow a pick - up truck and his best friend Mark had agreed to come over and help him move . They took Dan 's L - shaped computer desk which was large , a chest of drawers and bed frame from the basement , and , and … . I don 't know what they took because I was in the middle bedroom , my studio , as I called it , sitting in a chair suffering and waiting for it to be over . When it was finally over and Dan and Mark had driven away in the truck , I slowly emerged reclaiming the interior space of my home , and saw that in the middle of the living room floor there was a pile of Dan 's things . Not enough room in the truck ? These things did not fit ? I circled them . Stared at them . Dan 's things had such a presence for me . Now there was a pile of them in our living room the other end of which was our dining room where I ate most of my meals . How would I ever be able to stand this ? Gradually , I began to add to the pile that he had left in the middle of the living room . If something of his was out and caught my eye and I thought he might want it , I added it to pile in the living room . From the kitchen , I added dishes that he had used more than me , like the Boonton Melmac serving dish that he used for corn chips with his cheese dip . Our cupboards were full ; I added to his pile cans of beans and rice packets that he liked . I don 't remember all that I added or why I added certain things to the pile . If ever I was demented , it was in those days . On day five after Crack - up announcement night , Dan finally got around to telling his parents . He called me saying he would stop by here after he saw them . I dreaded it . He had begun to act so strange and cold toward me . Once he arrived , we sat at the fateful dining room table and discussed some of the business of breaking up our marriage . He told me that his parents had been wonderful and very understanding . To be honest , that surprised me . They had always seemed to be people who valued the family above all else and what 's more to be people who knew right from wrong and tried to live accordingly . To think that they were OK with what he was doing was one more disappointment and blow to bear . They had always been kind to me . I loved them . But , of course , Dan was their son . They would side with him . I realized that here was one more Crack - up cost for me . I would lose my place with Dan 's family , a place I had held and enjoyed for thirty years . But still there were so many of his personal things left here in this house , surrounding me , over my head in the attic , under my feet in the basement , on his dresser , and in his closet in my bedroom . He even had stuff stuffed under the bed , the very bed I slept in every night . I talked to a few other teachers at work , my friends , my confidants . Of these , the ones who had been though a Crack - up were quick with what to do with stuff left by a " no good two - timer . " They said , with great emphasis , " I 'd tell him , ' Yo stuff is on the street . If you want it , you better get over here right quick and get it ' fore someone else does ! ' " Somehow , I just never was able to take that sound advice . But I did begin some symbolic shifting of Dan 's things , moving them , if not off the property , at least farther and farther away from my own most personal space . These shifts often occurred in the middle of a particularly sleep - spared night . One night , trying to see through the crystal blur of tears , I cleared all the many dusty things from the top of his dresser and put them into his dresser drawers . A few nights later , I took those same dusty possessions and the socks , underwear , t - shirts from the drawers , all his second - tier clothing that had not made the first cut and been taken with him when he left , and bagged and boxed it all , beginning a new pile in the living room . This time not in the middle of the floor , more over to the side where his desk stood . On another noxious night while lying in the bed , I became acutely aware of all that was underneath it . I got up and began to pull his things from under our bed . So much of it was pure junk . There was even a bag of what could only be described as trash : unopened junk mail , used tissues , old bank statements . Creepy ! Who puts a bag of trash under the bed like that ? I knew what had happened . On a day when Dan needed to clean off the top of his desk , rather than go through and deal with things properly , he had stuffed them in a bag and then stuffed the bag under our bed . Voila ! Clean desk ! But under our bed - trash , actual garbage . Strange . Sick strange . One day when I knew he was coming by to take me to the cable and gas companies to switch service into my name , I bagged all his dirty laundry from the hall closet , and his vitamins , cold remedies , shampoo , mouthwash , and whatever else from the bathroom . This was all by the front door , and he took it at the end of the visit along with some things from the pile in the living room . But still there was so much , so much . For one thing , there were all his clothes , a huge closet full , and the foyer closet was full as well . One night , I laid a sheet down along the wall in the living room where his computer had been and made trip after trip with his clothes in my arms . When I had removed everything of his from both closets , the pile along in the living room wall reached waist high and was ten to twelve feet in length . I covered the pile with a white sheet . It had a funereal appearance , like a draped coffin . The dining room table where Max and I ate was on the other end of this room . Soon I could no longer cope with this coffin of Dan 's clothes , and I transferred the pile to a side wall of the garage . I failed to cover the pile , and the next day when I pulled into the garage after work , right at eye level on the top of the pile was a dark green print shirt that I remembered him wearing the previous Thanksgiving . That shirt tore my heart . I burst into tears and went in search of a sheet to cover the pile . I could not look at Dan 's clothes . They made me so sad . Gradually , night by sleepless night , I transferred as much of his stuff as I could first to the living room , then from there to the garage or basement . There were still some items of furniture in the house that were his and I knew he wanted , there were hundreds of record albums , books , video tapes . The bedroom and the bathroom were cleared of his things , but the garage and the basement were now more packed than ever , and there was still the attic and the utility room . I was constantly surrounded by so many reminders that could bring tears like the Thanksgiving shirt had done . There was so much presence , and weight , and volume to so much stuff . It was hard to breath in the midst of it all . How could I ever begin to feel free of him , to begin to sever my life from his , as I would have to do , if I was completely surrounded by his possessions ? And it wasn 't just the suffocation problem . There was the realization that if he was leaving this stuff here for weeks and months after the Crack - up , it must not mean that much to him . He had cherry picked around the house for the things he most wanted and needed . Those cherished items had gone with him to the apartment that he was prepping for the arrival of the Instagirl . What he had left was the unwanted , the , in a sense , disposable trash . Since Max and I had been left , we were in that category , too . But wanted or not , I needed his stuff to be gone . He was gone . His possessions needed to go . In August he messaged that he wanted to come by to leave me a check for his half of the divorce lawyer fee and to pick up a few things . It troubled me just to hear from him , but to get a check and to be rid of some of his things were incentives to agree . I was at work . The plan was for Max to let him in . Here 's what happened . Max was in his room on his computer about an hour after the time when Dan was supposed to arrive . He said he looked up and was startled to see his dad suddenly standing in the room right beside him ! He said to Dan , " Didn 't you want to ring the doorbell to let me know you were here ? " What dreams did he mean ? Soon after the Crack - up , I had begun to have these dreams where I would be in the kitchen and hear someone come in the door . At first I would be very afraid , but I would look up and see that it was Dan . I would feel a sense of relief . But then , I would look at him , and he would look at me with the Eyes of a Stranger ! A chill , a killing chill would run right though me , and I would try to wake myself from the dream to escape the horror . Dan did not leave a check , of course , He later offered an excuse that blamed Max . He said he forgot to leave the check because Max was giving him the evil eye . What he wanted was our camping equipment from the basement . He had been telling us and his family that he was going on a solo camping trip on the Appalachian Trail . Although by this time , we all knew of the Instagirl , he was still denying her existence , thus his emphasis on a solo camping trip . Max let Dan into the basement to get our camping equipment , but instead of taking one of the small tents , Dan took our large family trip . Maybe Max was watching to see if he would do it . Max told me that what he said was " So this is what you are going to commit the adultery in ! " Dan 's response was to disconnect which is what he would do whenever anyone confronted him . He just did not answer . Talking to him was like talking to a misfiring robot in those days . He did take the family - sized tent and the rest of our camping equipment . Once again he went away with just the few things that would serve him in his affair with the Instagirl . I reached a point of actually begging him to come get his things . I said , " You know you have to get this stuff eventually , why not rent a storage unit , get a couple of friends , and in a day or two you could have it all moved . " I did this one fateful day in front of Max and Dan 's father . I did it with tears , begging , pleading , saying , " This is breaking me down . I cannot stand to have this stuff here Any Longer ! Please ! ! ! " But Nothing I could say cut ice . By that time the Instagirl was in the country . He was not going to give me even a minute 's time or a half - thought of consideration . I could drown in a sea of his castoff , unwanted piles and piles of stuff , and he just really did not care . He made that perfectly clear . He made it perfectly clear to me and since Max was there , he made it eternally clear to Max , too . Our interests , our life and death struggle , a small relief that could have meant the world to us , meant nothing , nothing at all to him . I was crazy enough to beg him to come get them , to help lighten my load , to free me from the detritus that was drowning me . He turned a deaf ear to all my requests , all my suffering . He , who had been my friend , my lover , my husband for thirty years turned and looked at me , and for a minute I may have felt relief . " He may not love me now , but he used to love me . Surely , he will help me . He will free me from being suffocated by his things , by all this that I cannot , cannot bear . He will finally move out and take his things away , he will have pity on me , and then Max and I can breathe and begin to build our new lives . " Leave a reply El had it right : no man leaves his wife and home in order to alone . Garbo wanted to be alone , married men do not . Though Dan had denied it and pretended it wasn 't true , there was , of course , another woman all along , someone he had met online as Jules had said . With Dan so constantly absorbed in Instagram , I knew that was the starting place if I was to trace the paper trail of his betrayal . A new character was about to enter the stage of my existence . I was soon to learn the identity of the woman who had been responsible for the great shift in my life . As with many significant dramatic entrances , the elements aligned with ironic timing . The date on which Dan asked for my casserole recipe was July 27 ; this was the exact one - month anniversary of his Crack - up Confession on June 27 when he drove away and left me and Max behind forever . And now exactly one month later he had sent this text , this fateful casserole request that would lead to my finally uncovering the truth that he had been keeping from us for so long , the truth that caused him to leave us , the truth about his other woman . Robbed , murdered of my sleep by Dan 's text and the disregard for me he showed by making the request , I had lain awake contemplating my predicament , alone and adrift with my plans and finances thrown into a state of chaos and a college - age son to finish raising . Whereas Dan was , according to what he had told me , living a free and happy life in the city where everything and everyone was very cool and inspired . He did not miss his life with us at all . Added to that as I knew through Jules , Dan was eagerly expecting the arrival from Australia of the online other woman . I then typed Instagram and V4 Vision which was the name of Dan 's avatar . A number of links showed up in a list . I chose the one that seemed the most likely , and it led to Dan 's gallery on Instagram . I recognized his work immediately , his colorful , abstract washes , the pieces and lines of color and no color . I saw the knowingly pretentious titles he gave his photos , rich in modifiers and foreign languages . I knew his pictures received lots of likes and also some comments . The previous year he spent the evenings on his Iphone while I was in the kitchen cooking dinner or washing up . He would tell me about the comments he received and that he wrote back and forth with some of the commenters to the point that they became friends . There was one called soulwindow who was from Vancouver , there was a guy in Italy who had access to much photogenic Renaissance architectural art , and a woman from Australia , Dox Dart Nellie , who was known for the profanity of her comments . I realized that his " special " woman friend would not be any of these . She would not be someone whose name he ever mentioned to us . No . This one would have been kept a secret from us . Looking at the comments under his photos , I ruled out the ones that seemed to be made by men , and clicked on the ones that seemed to be women . I looked to see if he had posted comments to their pictures . Very soon one woman began to stand out as posting lavish praise to all of his pictures : " Brilliant , " " gorgeous " ( with seven r 's ) , " Killah . " His comments to her pictures were equally extravagant in their praise : " Awesomely C oooo l , " " Sweeeet ! Love the tasteful edit , " " Exquisite , " and even just the one lone , eloquent word " Love . " Most of the people male or female who commented on Dan 's pictures used for their avatar picture one of their photos , but this woman used a black and white head shot of herself . Jules has told me that Dan 's girlfriend was 42 . The age looked right for this woman in the photo ; she was a brunette with her hair styled like Farah Fawcett 's popular 70s do . Her Instagram name was Tundra . From comments to her it seemed that was her last name and Tammie was her first name . So there it was . I had told Max the night of the Crack - up that the whole time the question had been going through my mind : What is her name ? Now I knew . Tammie Tundra . For confirmation as a scrolled down through all Dan 's pictures , I found one that showed two different pictures of a rainbow that had been put together to make one complete rainbow . One picture seemed to have been taken by Tundra in Australia , and to it Dan had pasted a picture he had taken of a rainbow . He joined the two pictures in such a way that the two rainbows merged and his completed hers . It was an interesting effect and well done . He gave it the title , " Your Rainbow Song , " and I saw that only minutes after he had posted it , Tundra had commented with " Love " and ten pink hearts . Noting the date , I saw that this had been done back in May while I was still hard at work completing my school year of teaching , knowing nothing of what was to come . Their overuse of " sweet , " " cool , " " awesome , " heart symbols , and extra letters such as o 's and r 's in the spelling of their comments reminded me of notes I had taken up from my middle school students . The sentiments seemed equally like those of a teenage crush . They were , after all at this point , only pen pals or picture pals , you could say . They had never met in person . Soon they would meet , but as yet their entire romance had been carried out online , and the foundation of the affair , the Instragram part , was available for all to see . Scrolling down through Tundra 's pictures , I could see that she was a good amateur photographer , not , perhaps as good as Dan , but definitely good . And she was prolific with lots of variety . There were many , many photographs going back for over a year . Her gallery had abstract close - up shots of rusted or paint - dripped surfaces similar to Dan 's , but she also depicted delicate nature images and even occasionally pictures of herself , her home , her son . So she was a real person . When Dan had told his friends about the Instagirl , they had wondered if she might not turn out to be a scam . This was why Jules has first contacted me about her . Everyone has heard so many stories of people meeting someone online , falling for them , and then they turn out to be a man from Nigeria or some other scam artist who is not what they seem and is out for money or whatever they can get . This woman could turn out to be out for money , but from seeing her presence and her body of work on Instagram , I did have confirmation that she was a real person who took real photographs . The pictures and the posts between Dan and the Instagirl dated back into the winter , our long , last winter together when Dan had had so little time for me and so much time for his Iphone . I now knew why . I now knew why he had had so little to say to me or Max for so long , no words of love , support , or praise . All of that had been going to the Instagirl . She was the obvious object of all that he had failed to give to me or Max . No wonder he had been so quick to anger , so quick to lash at us with unkind words . We had become nothing more than obstacles in his way , impediments to making his Instadreams come true . That was the question on Night One of the crack - up . But it was just a whisper in the night . Even with Jules 's revelation that , yes , there was another woman , I did not focus on her . I was surrounded by cruel uncertainties that threatened my home and my son , who I alone must feed and shelter and help complete college . I was all about having a secure roof over our heads , and here I was sharing a deed with a man who had just proven himself to be not just a liar , but a deceiver . The middle schooler tells a lie when he blurts out " It wasn 't me . " A lie is a one - time untruth used to deflect a consequence . But deception is a long term assault on the truth , a worming and a tunneling under the wall of truth . The ones who aren 't being told the truth , in this case the wife and the son , move along through their lives , living , doing , thinking all is well , or if moods go low , that all will be well in the end . But going and coming from their lives , and living side by side with them is a man who is leading a double life , a man who is in constant electronic communication with another woman developing a relationship to the point that she is actually flying halfway around the world to get here - and soon . The deception had been going on for months . And that deceiver was who I owned my house with ! These were the dire dreams that haunted my tables - not names or other women . I had two problems : home and financial autonomy . Solutions : buy out Dan 's half of the house and divorce . When those unhappy losses were tallied up , would there be anything left ? Would I have enough to support myself and Max ? Those costly concerns held all my concentration . The lawyer we hired was drawing up the divorce papers , but what about the house ? Dan and I would have to agree on a price if I were to buy out his half . Using our tax bill and its appraisal of our house 's value as a general starting point and factoring in the price a nearby house recently went for , I mentioned a number to Dan . We were riding in his car to Comcast to transfer the internet service to my name . The trip involved other stops having to do with notaries and transferring services and was hellish as were all the encounters I had with Dan after the crack - up . He kept his eyes on the road , but his response was " I feel screwed by that price ! " Oh no . So , put the house back on the list , the heartbreaking , soul draining list with all the other to - do dilemmas . The house , the home , the only place for Max and me to call our own , what can I do to get an agreement from Dan ? And screwed ! He felt screwed . Does he really get to feel screwed after all he has done to us . You can hear with your imagination the words which could have come from me , the words I would never say , and almost won 't write . " You , you feel screwed ! I was blindsided , ruined , blasted into a psycho wasteland , and you feel screwed ! " Well , there it was . He was the one who had been in control of the crack - up from its inception . All I could do was suffer and try to survive . I took some of those deep survival breaths they teach you to use when you are in labor . I would just have to have faith that something would work out about the house . Dan and I rode on to the business of breaking the family cable service . He had arranged his own service in his new apartment . Max and I could not afford TV and internet , so we had decided on just the internet . Next was on to a notary to get an affidavit that would let us close our natural gas service and transfer it to just my name . On and on . I felt myself shrinking . I was losing weight that summer . My hair was falling out . The heart breaks . All falls down . When it was over and we were in the parking lot saying goodbye , Dan wanted to show me pictures on his phone of how he was painting and decorating his apartment . I tried to stare at his phone . My eyes were swimming . Does he really think I can look at this place he is fixing up for the arrival of his other woman ? I just wanted to get away . I always had to be alone before I could put myself back together . Was Dan oblivious , or did he know and just not care ? That night , you won 't believe what he did . He messaged me wanting my chicken and asparagus casserole recipe ! Boil three half breast pieces of chicken , bone in , skin off . Season the water with salt , pepper , and fresh rosemary sprigs . Remove the chicken and when cool enough to handle , debone . In a large casserole dish , measure 2 cups of minute rice and 2 cups of the broth from the cooked chicken . Add a can of cream of asparagus soup and a can of drained asparagus pieces or better yet fresh , steamed asparagus cut in pieces . Stir until combined . Top with grated cheese and breadcrumbs . Bake for 30 - 40 minutes at 350 degrees . Wait . Does Dan really get freedom , another woman , and my asparagus casserole ? Then I thought , well , we are working toward a house settlement and a divorce ; I need his cooperation ; maybe I can throw in a recipe or two . But I found it was not that simple . This recipe was not just a recipe . It was a meal we shared and enjoyed together for many , many years going all the way back to New York , and back from there to Aunt Sallie and Mother in Mississippi . I wrote him back a stall . " You 're on the list . " I went to bed , but I did not sleep . Or if I slept it was that thing where you wake up three hours later and can 't go back to sleep . It was always one of the two with me during those nights . This night I had a thought to think and time to think it . It went like this . I have been on a broken trail with so many twists and turns . My home and the dreadful divorce have taken precedence over more personal , lost love concerns . But this casserole request has sliced into the personal wound , the lost family , the no more meals together , the way of life gone now forever , gone forever . The hurt was bitter as blood . Hot blood with red hot anger in it . Oh the deception ! Oh the nights he lay in his recliner with his Iphone messaging and flirting with another woman while I was nearby in the kitchen cooking our dinner , washing our dishes . Jules had said she was coming over from Australia in two or three weeks . The affair suddenly came into sharp and immediate focus . He had flirted with her for months on - line , and she 's now on her way . Who is she ? Is she real ? What 's she like ? I think if I had been able to read during those long crack - up nights , I would have suffered less damage . All though my life , I have loved to read . Even during the busiest years of my life when I became a teacher , I still found time to read each evening at bedtime both to relax and to be stimulated by the ideas , the characters . But all through that terrible summer of my discontent , I could not focus to read at all . I tried to read novels . No luck . I would not finish a book again for months , not until after the divorce when I was gifted with a book from my dear friend Marlenas . It was the perfect recovery book . On the left side of the page was a factual or descriptive account of some piece of the emotion or real life experience during a loss and on the right hand side a poem written in response . It felt like right brain / left brain , both were given something to gnaw on . That was much later . I still had nights and months to get through . After another sleepless hour or two on this crazy casserole crisis night , I got up and went to my computer . I was finally angry enough to pry . When your husband cheats on you , for some crazy reason , you want to know her name . Ok . So Dan met her online . When Jules told about it , I may have vaguely thought Facebook , but now that I was at long last ready to give the thing some serious , furious thought , I remembered that Dan had lost interest in Facebook once he became so involved in taking pictures and putting them up on Instagram . I thought , " Forget Facebook . It 's Instagram , of course ! " 1 Reply " Get a lawyer ! " Those were the first words out of Max 's mouth when I told him that his father had an online girlfriend living in Australia with a son and a sick father . It turns out that his generation is even more suspicious of online affairs than is mine . Jules had warned me to protect my money , but Max seemed to think the risk could run even deeper and should be dealt with right away . " Oh , Max , I don 't know if I can do that ! I don 't know if I have the strength right now . I am so nervous and shaky . I 'm not sleeping . I break down and cry all the time . Right now I 'm on summer break , but soon I have to go back to my job at the school . I think I should wait until I 'm stronger . " " No , Mom , you can 't wait . This is horrible for you . You are depressed , nervous . This can 't go on . It needs to be resolved , so you can really start to rebuild . Get a lawyer ! " Max was right about my state of extreme anxiety . Aside from the heartbreak of losing the man I loved , our marriage , and our family , I feared what the change would mean for my home , for my finances , for my future . Max was not even halfway through college ; I feared for his future . Our home was my chief concern . Even a crazy crack - up chick like me needs a roof over her head . The night Dan left me , he said he would continue to pay the mortgage and help with upkeep on our home . I remember wondering at the time if that would really work . Dan made his money with freelance construction jobs : sometimes it was boom , but sometimes it was bust . Would he really be able to afford his apartment in Atlanta and pay his half on the home expenses for Max and me ? Now that I had confirmation of another woman , I immediately saw that the financial side of the crack - up was extremely serious . My fears ran like this : even if Dan means well now , he would have a hard time paying for his apartment and his half of our home for Max and me especially during lean times with his work , and more especially when a girlfriend was added to the mix . What 's more , this was not some lady from the successful side of Atlanta , but a woman who lived in faraway Australia , and , as more information was forthcoming , we learned that she was a single mother who lived on the dole . Even if she was not a scam artist as Jules and other friends feared , she began to sound very expensive . The status of our home was this : When we bought the house 20 years ago , I paid cash for my half . I had the money because before I even knew Dan , I had worked as a waitron at a downtown hotel for 6 years and saved enough money to buy a huge house on North Highland which I sold two years later for twice what I paid for it . A couple of years later , after the demise of TV Dinner , Dan and I moved to New York City , and I bought a condo on the Lower East Side with my Atlanta house money and a small loan from Ransom Paid . After living in New York for ten years , we had Max and the New York apartment was too small . I sold it and once again doubled my money . When we bought our home in a pretty , older , Atlanta lake community , I paid cash for my half of the house . Dan mortgaged his half . Did he qualify for a mortgage in his own right ? No . It was the fact that my half of the house was paid for that gave him his mortgage . But to his credit , once he got the mortgage , he paid the monthly bill faithfully for twenty years . How much was still outstanding on his mortgage ? I knew he had taken out a home equity loan last winter to pay off his credit card debt , but did not know how much it was . Had he paid the most recent mortgage note , and how would I know if he did not ? Suddenly , it was urgent that I visit his bank . We had our own accounts and used different banks . Would his bank even talk to me ? I was always the one who kept up with all the family paperwork , so I had mortgage statements showing the loan number . Would that be enough to establish credibility with them ? I went the next day to find out . It was never easy for me to tell my story to all the different people that I had to speak to . Talking about the crack - up brought back so much emotion . That day with the mortgage banker was an especially difficult one , but it was made easier by the kindness and cooperation of the lady who helped me , Mrs . Simmons , a pretty professional with a Jamaican accent . She immediately began pulling up information on her computer and told me that Dan still owed $ 18 , 000 on the house mortgage , and that he had paid the most recent payment . His home equity loan had been for $ 15 , 000 . This shocked me ; it was a much bigger sum than I thought he had borrowed . The figure he mentioned to me was $ 7 , 000 . Mrs . Simmons and I talked about the Australian affair . I asked how much more Dan could borrow on the house . She said he could borrow up to the value of the house and I would not even know about it . If he were to go to Australia and not pay on the loans , I would have to pay them or lose the house even though my half was paid for and the equity loan was for his personal credit card debt . All of this was terribly troubling . I knew that Dan had been honest with me in the past and had paid his bills all along , but this was new territory . He had recently been very dishonest to me and he had borrowed more on the house than I had thought . He was interested in a woman who lived on the dole in a faraway county . People can sometimes decide that the ends justify the means when their desires take over . If this woman asked Dan for money or if he needed money to in order to be with her , would he really resist the temptation to use our house as a source ? I knew I could never be at peace with that kind of uncertainty . Mrs . Simmons explained the path to safety : once his name was not on the mortgage or the deed , he could no longer borrow on the home . I would have to find a way to buy Dan out . And , of course , Max was right ; a lawyer was the next step . But it was not an easy step because I did not know a lawyer to call . As with many of the challenges that came to me as a result of the crack - up , I looked to family and friends for advice . After a few days of trial and error , I found someone I thought would do , Ms . Madison , who was with firm located near our local county courthouse . By the day of my appointment with her , I was back in school at my job as special education assistant teacher at a middle school . My appointment was in the afternoon after a hectic workday . As I waited to be seen , I tried to calm my nerves , but it was no use . There I was waiting to talk to a lawyer about a divorce . There was no calm to be found . Once I was with Ms . Madison telling her the details of the crack - up , I went from nervous to breakdown . I tried to hold back the tears , I tried to hold myself together and answer her questions . The tension in my chest made it hard to breath , but somehow I told what I had to tell . She said that as long as I was married to Dan , I could be held responsible for any debts he had . For me to buy him out on the house would keep him from borrowing any more on the house , but only a divorce would protect my assets and keep me from being responsible for his debts . The Australian affair was a great concern because as Ms . Madison explained if he were to go to Australia before the house or the divorce were finalized , there would be very little I could do at that point . Time was of the essence , she felt . I agreed . Divorce filled me with dread , but now that it had to be , there was no need to draw out the suffering . She explained that an uncontested divorce would be the quickest if Dan and I could come to terms . She would begin to draw up the papers ; I could review them and so could Dan . We would sign , she would file with the court , and a date would be set for the divorce . I left her office sad and shaky . A divorce , a dreadful divorce was to be the next turn of the crack - up screw . How to endure that ? How to negotiate through it with Dan ? How to settle with him on the house ? When Dan left me , he said he wanted to be free . I thought of all the steps between now and my freedom from heartbreak and financial jeopardy - so many staggering steps . All Dan had to do was pick up and walk out the door to gain his freedom . I wouldn 't get mine until I had mopped up after him and settled so , so much business . I can 't believe this is happening to me . I can 't believe what all I have to go through before it will all be Over ! Sierra was once friends with a poet . He titled a group of his poems " Bandit Poems , " and yes , they were about her . These old poems tell a crack - up tale of their own , so I place them here where the Muse sings the dry and cracking song of how love dies because , of course , the poet never kept his final promises . |
You might remember the Poker Player . The one that postponed his flight for me and who I thought was the one , albeit for a little while . After six months of very occasional keeping in touch , he was back in the country . How did I find out ? Through Facebook . That 's right , he didn 't tell me . Imagine this . It was a Friday afternoon , I was bored at work and basically waiting for five o ' clock to hit so I could jump in my friend 's car and get over the foodtruck festival that was happening in my favorite city . On top of that ; it was a lovely summer day . As I was scrolling through my feed , I all of a sudden see a ' Poker Player is attending … ' Yup , he apparantly was in the country and planning on being there . I stared at it , then panicked . I had come to work without make - up , and my hair was tied up because I hadn 't washed it . I couldn 't possibly face him like that . And face him I would . The festival was in a small park where if you knew anyone , you 'd for sure run into them . After a quick , heated consult with my co - workers , I decided to jump into the showers at work and at least do my hair . My boss was in a meeting , and I had twenty minutes left . I don 't think I have ever been so fast , but at least I felt better about myself . On the way , in the car , finally , my friend nearly pissed herself when I told her . But lo and behold ; it only took fifteen minutes to spot him . My stomach sank . As much as I had wanted to see him , I realized he had never told me , so he didn 't care enough for me to know . But there he was , as hot as I remembered him , and I hadn 't washed my hair for nothing . I pointed him out to my friend , and then casually strolled over there , did a ' surprised ' double take , and asked him what the hell he was doing there . ( I deserve an Oscar for that ) . I immediately got a big hug and three kisses . He introduced himself to my friend , drank half my glass of wine and seemed genuinely pleased to see me . We chatted for a few minutes before his friends dragged him away , and that was that . No see you laters , nothing . My friend was ecstatic . She absolutely adored him . She doesn 't adore anyone . All through the night we 'd occasionally run into each other , squeeze an arm , or just smile . My friend added fire to the fuel by telling me he seemed so pleased to see me . On my way home , I texted him that this country might be a little too small , but that it 'd been nice to see him . He was slow to respond , but when he did he asked me to come to the bar with him and his friends . By that time I 'd reached home . Too little too late . Though the next day he asked if he could come by to ' see my house ' . I 'm not an idiot , but the prospect of spending a couple of hours with him seemed great . Living in the moment and stuff . The past had taught me not to expect anything from him , so I knew that this was all I 'd be getting . I could decline to protect myself , or I could just go with it and enjoy whatever time we 'd have . I chose the latter . He came , we talked about stuff big and small , mostly big as usual . He again started the talk on no relationships and what not . Old news , and I didn 't need warning . Once we started fooling around a bit , he suddenly got up and said he had a surprise . He took off his shirt , and said he 'd been working hard at the gym . It was adorkable , and I had to hold back a smile . I just appreciated the muscle instead . We spent the next few hours in bed , which was highly enjoyable , as usual . With one hiccup . In the heat of the moment , a split second before he 's about to enter me , he again announces that he has a surprise . My mind went blank . What the hell kind of surprise could you have , at that moment in time ? Well , this one : he had gotten tested and he was clean . I was a little flabbergasted , but told him I hadn 't tested in a while . He took the risk , with my approval . Truth be told , I haven 't had a man come inside me in a decade , because I 'm not on the pill . I had forgotten what it felt like . And what a mess it is . When he left , at the end of the afternoon , I watched him walk down the street , and accepted that he 'd be walking out of my life . I felt okay about it . The fact I went for drinks with a friend shortly after helped . He left for the US a few days later , the only contact we had was me texting him that my tests had gotten back okay . Fast forward to six weeks later ; he was back . I knew he 'd be as he has to fly through in order to go home . He always takes some time to visit family and friends . I didn 't want to text or call him , which he didn 't either and mildly irritated me . A few days after he returned , I saw him on a dating site . With a full copy of his passport . It was such an idiot thing to do that I messaged him to take it down . We spent the majority of the evening chatting . Things got pretty deep and personal , yet remained at the surface . Sounds weird , I know . He then said he would make time to come see me . He texted me two days later , while I was at a work dinner . I told him I wouldn 't be home before ten . He said that was fine and we 'd be in touch . Long story short ; he showed up at eleven thirty , just as I was about to lock the door and call it a night . I knew this was a booty call , but I wasn 't so impressed with that . We chatted for a little while , I showed him the house I bought ( of which he knew exactly where it is ) and he told me about his trip . Naturally we had sex . It was so good I tried ( and succeeded ) not to cry . For some reason that orgasm came with a release of some other stuff . Part of me knew that this would be it . It might be the last time I 'd ever see him , feel this way and knowing I 'd had to let go . He didn 't notice , it was dark and we didn 't speak . At one thirty in the morning , he looked at the clock and said he had to go . I asked if he was fucking kidding me . He came up with excuses about having to bring the car back and not being able to take out his contacts . I was pissed . To me , that was poor manners and disrespectful . We 'd know each other too long to be pulling that shit off . He left regardless . The next day I was still unamused , told him that and purposely let it escalate . For a friends with benefits arrangement , I need some kind of human , friendly , non - sexual contact to balance out the hooker feel . He wasn 't even telling me he 'd be leaving the next day . That 's how much he cared . While he understood my points , he stressed that he 'd been clear . He had , and that was not the issue at hand . We agreed to disagree . I told him that if he ever came back , it would to come from him , but that I was not going to run after him again . We said a temporary goodbye . And that 's the story of the Poker Player . I learned a thing or two from him . ( That at thirty two , I 'm too old to rely on morning after pills , for one ) . Yes , he 's full of himself , but there 's something about him that draws me in . It 's easy to get lost with him . But , after all that , I have not felt sad . Closing it off like that was a good thing . He 's back next month , and I intend on keeping my word . I have no desire to get in touch , but we 'll see how that goes when he 's physically here . I don 't think he 'll do it either , I gave him shit after all . At this point in time , I am alright with that . A year ago , I had thought he might be the one , but I was wrong . And that 's okay . Let 's call him the poker player . We matched on Tinder last Friday , which I was super happy about , because he 's hot . I sent him a short ' yay ! ' message , and we chatted for a bit that night . Then on Saturday afternoon , he asked if I wanted to come over and drink wine in a nice cafe . I wanted to . But I already had another date with a guy from OKC set up . He told me to cancel , because he was much more fun . I told him I 'd need a really good reason , because that 'd be awful for my karma . He said he 'd love to stare into my eyes over wine and have a wander through the dark city . And I thought ; ' what the hell . ' So I cancelled my date , and agreed to meet him . He came to meet me at the train station , and when I saw him , I got even more excited . I think he felt the same , he grabbed me , planted three kisses on me , and off we went . We went to a tiny little cafe , and never stopped talking until two in the morning . He 's a professional poker player , and does so well he doesn 't live in this country but on a sunny island somewhere ( not too far ) for tax purposes , though he 's here often . We connected on so many things , yoga , meditation , our views on life and relationship . He radiated such calm and was so down to earth I never wanted to leave . The only thing , and I knew this since I had looked him up , is that he 's barely out of a long relationship . He 's been together ( engaged even ) for nine years , and only split six weeks ago . I also saw the message on Facebook , in which he said there were no fights , it was a mutual decision that after so many years they had to face the fact they were not meant to be . They 'd always be friends and all that . Very mature . When he talked about it that evening , he was very mature and calm about it . Nine years is a long time , though that kind of decision isn 't usually made overnight . Before meeting , he had told me he was dating , and whatever happened , happened , but he might be rebounding for all I know . That 'd make the most sense . I am tempted to believe him , there was something different about him . Anyway , when one o ' clock rolled around and he wanted to go get another drink I told him that I would love to stay , but that if he didn 't feel like being responsible for a place to stay for me , I would have to think about my trains home . He wanted me to stay . A little voice in the back of my mind told me that maybe I should go home if I liked him , I might get hurt , but as usual , I ignored it . We finished our drink , and off we went . We walked to his friend 's place , where he stays , and he stopped me on a bridge to kiss me . There we were , in the middle of the night , kissing on a bridge . It was awesome . When we got into the apartment building , he noticed there was a roof terrace . We got a bottle of wine from the house , some cheese , and went back up . We drank wine , had some cheese , he sang to me . We kissed some more . At one point , he just looked at me and said ' is this all for me ? ' Very smooth . At one point , he mentioned that this town seemed like a much better place to be , all of a sudden . Once inside , we sat on the couch , he put music on , and started making out . Obviously that pretty quickly turned into lots of nakedness . And good , good sex . He was hung , and circumcised ( which is rare here ) . After that , we moved into his bedroom , cuddled , talked some more and after a while , he was ready again . By the time we went to sleep , it was five in the morning . But when I had to get up to go to the bedroom a little later , I noticed I had bled a little on the sheets . Fuck . I had just come off my period , so that wasn 't it . This was the second time this happened . Once I discovered that , I lay there stressing out for a good hour . Was I going to tell him ? Was I not and be surprised when we saw it ? Was I gonna bleed more ? Should I sleep on my back ? And , how would he react ? Eventually , I did fall asleep , and we slept until noon . Nothing happened . He woke me up massaging my back . Seriously . One thing led to another , and we had slow morning sex . Once he pulled back the sheets , he saw the stain , saw my face ( I was still mortified ) , shrugged and said ' we made a mess ' . And proceeded to make out . After he came , we laid there forever . He said he 'd come so good and was so relaxed he was tingling and seeing purple stars . We stayed in bed , I was on his chest , and he 'd kiss my hair every now and then . When we did get up , he made us breakfast , we ate it half naked and it wasn 't awkward at all . He put his sheets in the washing machine , set up his computers to work later , and we left the house together . I was going home , he was going to get groceries . So we had to say goodbye on the corner of the street . He gave me three kisses on the cheek , a peck on the lips , said ' great date ' , and then ' bye . ' and turned around and left . I was a little taken aback by the abruptness of it . No ' see you next time ' , or ' we 'll be in touch . ' I went home wondering if he was just very good at the game , if I looked differently in daylight , or if he just doesn 't do goodbyes . Once home , I contemplated a plan of attack . I wouldn 't text him yet , I would give him time . I don 't think that after a serious relationship like he had , he wants to be crowded by someone wanting all sorts of things from him after a first date . So I talked it over with my friend , and went to bed , feeling a little weird about it . The goodbye was in such contrast to the date , and rather anticlimactic . But when I woke up this morning , I woke up to a message from him . A nice one , too . He nicknamed me , said he had had a great date , then some about his Sunday , and a have a good workweek for me , ending with an x . We went back and forth a bit , I asked if the sheet got clean ( it did ) and that 's it for now . I don 't want to be on his case , I want to give him space . At the same time , I think he goes back to his island home some time next week , so I do plan on asking him to see if he 'd like to meet up again before he goes . The distance thing doesn 't bother me , but the relationship is a bit tricky . He is most likely not ready for anything at all . And here I am , feeling like this after only one date , and that never happens . It 's very likely I am going to get hurt . We will see how this goes ; I am trying to manage my expectations and hope , though I really , really like this one . After coming back from the China trip ( which was a bitch ) I reactivated some of my dating profiles , after promising myself to have more fun with it . So I went on a date with a Tinder guy I 'd been chatting with for days . He 's an elementary schoo teacher , which I think is awesome , seemed funny and was physically attractive . He drove all the way to my town and when we met there was … nothing . From my side at least . He was nervous , and it took him a couple minutes to calm it down . And remember how with the bisexual Stud I casually thought he was just in touch with his feminine side ? Well , with this one I blatantly wondered if he was gay and in denial . He was a little judgmental , he didn 't like my job nor my employer , he doesn 't travel , doesn 't read , doesn 't like cities and sometimes pinches kids . We had no issues chatting but I wasn 't feeling it . At all . And now he 's still happily texting me and I have to tell him it ain 't gonna happen . I have to . Karma and shit . On Tuesday I 'm supposed to see another Tinder guy for some adult fun , so that 's something at least ! I just have to remind myself the world doesn 't revolve around men and that I should learn to be okay by myself . Some days are better than others obviously . While in China , the Stud sent me messages now and then to say good luck or ask how it went . Pretty nice . He then mentioned he had to be in my city for a competition tomorrow . I offered him dinner and a place to stay and he accepted . And then yesterday , when I asked him what the plan was , he said he was still around for the competition , but couldn 't meet me anymore . He 'd made plans to go right to his friend - chick up north as they are having a stand at a flea market on Sunday to fund a trip they were going on . Say what ? I got ditched . I then found out the two of them went to see a show just a few days ago . So obviously he prefers her company over mine , spends a fuckload of time with her , and cannot even bother to come see me when he 's in my fucking city . And I thought the new girlfriend was gonna bother me . Oh sure , he did ask me if I am free one night next week . But to be honest , he doesn 't feel like such a good friend that I wonder if he 's worth the hassle . Two weekends in a row with this other friend that he cancels his plans with me for , but sure I can hop over for two glasses of wine before it 's time to go to bed . And yes , I know I need to let it go a little ( anyone notice the contradiction ? ) but I might just have to reconsider the whole situation . I don 't like feeling second hand . Lately I had been irritated with the kind of men messaging me on OKCupid and my other paid website . Fifty year olds with pot bellies , balding thirty year olds and dirty forty somethings with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths and bad teeth . Did these men really think I was in their league ? It upset me , even . ( Which I find awful to admit because I 'm really trying to be less judgy ) Surely I could do better than guys like that . But then , in some really clear moment , it hit me . Was I a female version of these men , trying to date outside of my league ? Is that why my dating life has been shit lately ? All these men either stop messaging after a few or not replying at all . All these men that I do not get past two dates with . Is it karma ? I 've left men hanging , not replied or even been rude . Maybe I 'm getting what I deserve . There must be something fundamentally wrong with me . There is . I 'm a bitch . A lot of the time . I can 't deal with stupidity and flakiness . But instead of giving people a chance , I jump right at their throat . Especially men . And I probably look like it too . Even if someone were to be remotely interested , they 'd back off at second glance . Bottom line ; I 've got stuff to work on . I need to block men out of my life that are doing nothing but frustrating me , and I need to get my head clear . How can I find love if this is my state of mind ? I am always envious of people that radiate calm , kindness and love . They are open , and people want to be around them . They 're always loved by someone . So if I want any of that , I need to change my attitude . The first one told me I couldn 't murder him for being honest with me . Fair point . I 've talked about this before , but my issue ( one of them ) is that I don 't talk . I won 't tell men anything about my feelings , thoughts or anything deeper until I know it is worth the investment . This particular friend also pointed out calling it an investment is ridiculous . How else are they supposed to get to know me when I won 't let them ? How can I blame them for walking away when I 'm not giving anything ? And especially because I knew the Stud 's intentions , I haven 't been very open , which ( in my mind ) means that I don 't have a right to anything . The second one said ' fuck this other chick ' . The only question I needed an answer to is what does he want ? And there 's three options ; does he want a platonic friendship , friends with benefits , or does he see a relationship ? Nothing else concerns me . I needed to think about whether I would be ok with whatever answer I would get . And if I would be ; it means acceptance , because my eyes are wide open . So , I had calmed down a bit . Though when I texted him on Tuesday what the plan was , he told me he could meet after nine , where he had told me earlier before . I told him that was quite late considering it was a weeknight , and also that he had told me he 'd be available earlier . He said I was right , and cancelled his appointment . Then asked if I wanted to go to dinner together . Yes , I did . And so we met at his house . He came straight from his rowing training , changed his clothes , and off we went to a Spanish restaurant . The weather was fabulous , we sat outside and before we knew it , had downed a bottle of wine . Things went as usual . We talked for hours , he told me loads of stuff , I did less so . He mentioned a few dates he 'd been on , the one chick he stayed over with . I told him about mine . He said I was an exception to the rule when it came to casual dating . I didn 't say anything . We went to the next bar , had another glass , and then went back to his place when it hit one in the morning . Good thing I had taken the next day off . And then as we were about to get to bed , I got my period . I 'd felt it coming all day so wasn 't too surprised , but wasn 't quite sure how he 'd take it . He just smiled , said it was a bummer , but oh well . Nothing I could do . We got into bed , made out for a little bit , talked , and then I sucked it up and asked whether we should talk about it , and asked him what he did with the woman he spent four days with the weekend prior . He told me he didn 't , he went home on Monday , and they 'd had sex once . She wants to get back with her ex . He doesn 't want to impose . What about me ? He thinks I am beautiful , great and he likes me , but he likes things the way they are now . He still just doesn 't want any relationships . He wants to keep me around , he genuinely feels that we are friends . And if I don 't want to do it his way , I need to tell him and he will adjust . I told him for now I am ok with what he wants , but that I don 't need to know about anyone else he sees . That I need him to be clear at all times . He said that if either one of our feelings change , we need to talk about it . He is worried about where I stand . And he should be . I 'm a girl , after all . It 's up to me now . I realized there 's no point in anger , this is all about me , not him . It doesn 't matter if he continues to see that other woman . What matters is me , how I feel about the situation and to which level I want to take this . I 'm not in love with him , yet . And I 'd like it to stay that way , but I give it three months before I 'd have to tell him I am scared of falling in love with him and getting hurt . Because that 's how it 'll go . I 'm just a girl . Until then , I will just see how it goes . Did I tell him that last paragraph ? Of course not . So , I decided I need to work on these things , and he 'll be my guinea pig . I need to be more open , say what I really feel , and not be afraid to say what I want . Because that might be what is keeping me from being in an actual relationship . We went to sleep , and woke up at ten . We just cuddled and kissed for the next hour or so , and eventually got up . He made breakfast , cooked eggs , talked some more and just took it easy . He dropped me off at the trains later , and off I went to lounge around in the sunshine . I felt kind of bad about the whole period thing . If we 're friends with benefits he kind of wasted a night with me , but I shoved the thought aside . So that 's the story ! I texted him on Friday after a couple of family visits that had not gone so well and he asked if I needed a shoulder to cry on . His intentions are good . The whole thing 's got me thinking about my ( non ) relationships . I don 't want to be alone , in with that , I need to be careful not to hang on to something for too long that 's not going to work . I have never been told ' I love you ' by a man , however sad that is . And in my quest to find something like it , I sometimes go a little overboard . ( I signed up for a paid dating site today ) And I date and date , yet I don 't really put myself out there . After all , who likes getting hurt ? Posted on July 13 , 2014 by Ella North It 's weird . More than two hundred people read this blog . People I don 't know . Most of you are lurkers ( hello ! ) but for the ones that actively comment and what not ; I would have stopped long time ago if you hadn 't . Also ; even sadder , this blog has been running for sixteen months . Yes , that is sad . In sixteen months , I have had countless dates , met loads of interesting and not so interesting men , met a few assholes , met a few with great potential that eventually broke my heart , had good and bad sex and in the end … lead to nothing . Posted on July 7 , 2014 by Ella North Last Friday I went on a date with the Tinder guy with a houseboat . He came to my town , which is always a plus . When I was waiting for him , I saw a guy come out of the parking garage , but doubting if it was him . Who would bring a dog to a date ? Well , he did . He came straight off a boat he had a job on , working boots , torn shirt , and paint all over himself , his beard and his clothes . Eh … ok . I 'm not judging . We went to my local bar , and sat outside . It was a little awkward at first . He was very relaxed , of the kind that doesn 't need conversation to have a good time . I kinda do . We talked a bit , silence . Talked a bit , silence . And I decided to not try so hard . He was on this date also . He didn 't ask a lot of questions , but told me bits and pieces about himself . I like the whole hippie thing , but he was on the other end of my universe . He lives on whatever boat he works on at the moment , does not own anything except for his car and dog , plans on sailing the world one day , gets bored if he makes too much money , so whatever he earns goes into his own boat . He squats in an abandoned school to have an address , has been married and ran a coffee joint in a windmill he owned with his ex - wife . I mean , wow . He seriously doesn 't give a fuck about anything . We called it a night after three drinks , I took him back to his car , got a big hug , and off he went . The next day , he messaged me on Tinder ( while he has my number ) asking if I had seen him to anything with his phone , because he lost it . I hope he 's not insinuating I took it . Just a couple nights before that I went to dinner with a friend of mine . After several rounds of sushi , she was up to date about the situation with the Stud , and we decided to go for drinks . We went to this totally laid back bar by the water , where you sit in the grass or share your pick nick table with strangers , and get your own drinks . While my friend got the first round , two guys asked if they could join us . Absolutely . We ended up talking to them the whole night . My friend , who is engaged and has a child , hit it off with the guy with a girlfriend and a huge want for kids , so I was left talking to the most attractive , single one . By the time we looked at our watches , my friend freaked out as she 'd missed the last bus and had no idea how to get to her car she 'd parked way out of town . The guys very nicely offered to give us a ride . So her new friend went to drop her off at her car , and the other gave me a ride on the back of his bike to the train station . When he asked for my full name to look for me on Facebook , I figured it was save enough to ask for his number . By the time I was on the train , he had already found me , and so I sent him a message in return . Turns out he 's coming to my town on Friday , and asked if I wanted to do it again . Sure thing . Date it is ! And then there is the Stud of course . We have been in touch only a little , he 's been super busy working on the weekends . When he did text he asked again when we should go for drinks because he still had some explaining to do . I told him we 'd do it when he was on holidays and relaxed . His holiday starts tomorrow , so should be soon ! My friends seem to think this could turn out to be the good news conversation , but I still have a hard time believing this , and I really don 't want to put too much thought into it so save myself a lot of disappointment . |
Starting on the 19th of March , we had Arkhon 's brother here for a week . I was a bit worried about what it was going to be like having three dogs in the house , but it went much better than expected . The first day , Allopex was outside watching them play . He said that when Loki ( Arkhon 's brother ) started to get rough with Siff , Arkhon would get between them . There was nothing aggressive about it , but he would just quietly tell his brother to back off . However , by the end of the first day , they were getting along really well . Loki enjoyed his time here , I think , though he did have a couple of accidents . The ironic thing is that he had more accidents than the puppy did . She seems to be completely house - trained . We 've trained her to bark when she needs to go outside , and in the last week , she hasn 't had a single accident . Instead she barks at the door and waits for us to open it . Even though they were all really good , having three of them around did stress me out a little bit more than normal , so I was a bit relieved when Loki left after a week . It was nice to only have two dogs again . We had a great Easter weekend . Somehow , the holiday came up on me unexpectedly . I wasn 't nearly as prepared for it this year as much as I would have liked to have been . We 're trying to start a tradition where we focus on Christ every day of Easter week and what happened that day during his final week . However , this year we weren 't prepared , so we just did minimal celebrating . We tried to maintain a good focus on Christ nonetheless . He was a little bit sad , but we weren 't too upset . I tried again as well , but my feet have been injured recently , so I couldn 't run as fast . Siff is doing so well ! She gets along great with everyone and is so adorable that we attract a lot of attention when we take her out . It 's a lot of fun ! Her main issue at the moment is , now that we 've taught her to speak , we 're teaching her to stop speaking when we ask her to . That 's harder for her to learn . It was fun to have Loki for company , but I don 't think we 're ever going to have more than two dogs . + Last night we were having Family Home Evening , and we were talking about Easter . We watched a short video about Palm Sunday and the last Supper . Then , I tried to tell Kevin about how Heavenly Father and Jesus loved us . " No , " he said , " earth has too much water . I don 't want to walk on the earth . It 's too blue ! It 's too watery ! It 's too . . . it 's too . . . it 's too water on the earth . " So this morning , I took him on a tour of google earth and showed him our home from the street view . Then we went to earth view and zoomed out until he could see the entire globe . Afterward , he said , " I DO live on the earth ! " Sometimes he 's so sweet and helpful , and other times it 's like he 's progressed to being a teenager . He can be really moody and get angry in an instant . However , we 're really beginning to learn what an incredible person Kevin is , and for that , I am very grateful . I wouldn 't trade him for anything . Sometimes when Kevin and I watch movies , and the people on the screen kiss , I 'll say something like , " Ew , gross ! " It 's actually something I 've done for years . Who knows why ? However , this started to worry Grig . A couple of nights ago , he tried to give Kevin a kiss , but Kevin told him it was gross . In sadness , Grig said , " I guess that 's it . No more kissing my son . " It took about twenty minutes after we had that little talk , and then Kevin said , " I want to give you a kiss . " He gave me a kiss on the cheek , and then he wanted to give his daddy a kiss on the cheek . Then , because Havelock was there , he wanted to give Havelock a kiss on the cheek too . Kevin is quite intelligent . He understands some pretty complex things . That 's why I also have to be careful what I say . Obviously , we don 't want him going around kissing everyone , but we also don 't want him to really think that kissing is gross . Kevin usually wakes up about 7 : 00 a . m . or earlier . That means that if I don 't get right to work , I don 't have any time to write or blog . However , 7 : 00 is now 8 : 00 . That means that if he gets up at the regular time today , I will have a whole extra hour to get things done . Yesterday , church was kind of exciting . Currently , I am the primary chorister , which means I teach the kids music . We have a junior primary ( for kids ages 3 - 7 ) and a senior primary ( for ages 8 - 11 ) . Yesterday , the junior primary was pretty . . . crazy . Usually , I don 't have hard time engaging them , and it 's pretty easy to teach them music . However , yesterday , it took nearly the whole time to get them singing , and if I was talking , I didn 't get any attention at all . I was very grateful for the activity that I was inspired to plan . I drew a thermometer on the board and told them that every time they sang better , we would go up a degree , and if they sang really well , we 'd blow the top off of our thermometer . I had to teach them the song first though , and that was when they were not really listening . However , after we ran through it and started singing , they really began to do their best . Even my little sunbeams ( the three - year - olds ) were singing their hearts out . My son is in that group , and I 'm never sure what to do . I don 't know what kind of parent - teacher I am yet . I don 't know if I focus on him the most , or if I ignore him , or if I treat him like every other kid . It 's a hard balance to find . I don 't want to ignore him , but I don 't want to give him special treatment either . So , I try and call on him occasionally . Oh ! The other exciting event that happened at church was during senior primary . We were learning the song , and some of the kids started shouting , " Spider ! Spider ! " I looked , and a small spider was descending from the ceiling toward one of the teacher 's hair . I quickly moved over , grabbed the web at a higher point , and took the dangling spider over by the trash can . I tried to calm down the excited children by telling them that it was a " good spider " and they didn 't need to worry about it . They did calm down pretty quickly , and soon they were singing again . The puppy is doing okay with daylight savings too . She doesn 't know the difference really . Things are going well with her . She 's super smart and is picking things up pretty quickly . She can already sit and she 's learning to speak . Once she can bark on command , I 'm going to teach her how to bark when she wants to go outside . Then , hopefully , potty training will go faster . She doesn 't have very many accidents , but they do happen occasionally . The thing we 're struggling with now , is trying to help her bond to us more than she bonds to Arkhon . To that end , we 've been trying to have time with the puppy when Arkhon is removed from the situation . It 's kind of crazy how much better she listens when he 's not around . However , we want her to listen when he is around too , so I 'm going to be trying some new things this week . We 'll see how they go . Kevin really likes having two dogs . Friday , when he and I were out walking , he turned to me and said , " We have two dogs , Mom ! " He was pretty excited about it . Arkhon is a really well trained dog . He comes when he 's called , he stays for long periods of time , he barks at strangers but quiets down when told , he 's calm in the house , and he doesn 't escape from the yard . Really , he has very few foibles . That 's been one of the great things about having him as a role - model for the puppy . It 's interesting to watch Siff and Arkhon together . Arkhon will do something , and Siff will cock her little head at him . You can see the gears in her mind working . He 'll sniff something , so she 'll sniff it . He 'll bark at something , and she 'll look really confused , as if she 's thinking , " What 's he up to now ? " He 's so gentle with her , usually . Sometimes he gets a little excited when they 're outside and he jumps at her from the deck . He doesn 't land on her , he just likes pouncing from the sky . However , when they 're playing , he will roll on his back and let her chew on him . It 's helped get out all of her puppy biting energy so that she 's been really gentle with Kevin and the rest of us . He also helped teach her to go up and down stairs . When she first came , she had trouble going down the deck to the backyard . He would encourage her by showing her over and over how to do it . After only a couple days she was going down on her own , and the next day she was coming back up . He was really excited for her , and accidentally knocked her back down a step in his enthusiasm . It didn 't deter her though . She now climbs stairs like a pro . Arkhon is , like a typical older brother , a little bit of a tease sometimes . He loves to grab her by her collar and pull her around or push her onto her back . She gets really mad about it , and with indignant puppy barks tries to get him back . He 's practically laughing as he runs away . However , dynamics are still changing . Both Kevin and Arkhon seem to feel that they 're not getting enough attention anymore . Even though I 'm trying to give them plenty , Kevin and Arkhon have really been in my face the last few days . Even if Arkhon is being petted by someone else , if the puppy is getting attention , he wants to leave the person petting him and get in between the puppy and whomever she is playing with . We usually push him gently back or call him back to show him that this isn 't okay . It 's all right to take turns . Kevin loves to pick Siff up . He loves to play with her and he loves it when she chases him around the house . However , he 's been feeling neglected too , evidently . Sometimes , over the last few days , he 's been unusually disobedient and spastic . He accidentally kicked the puppy in the jaw one time , and yesterday he jumped on my back when I was laying on the floor . That hurt . Kevin and Arkhon love Siff , as does everyone else . She 's sleeping from 10 - 5 a . m . , which is usually when we 're sleeping , so it 's been working really well . I 've been surprised that she isn 't waking up more during the night . The trade - off is that she isn 't really tired at 5 a . m . , so she gets mad when we won 't let her get up yet . However , she will eventually go back to sleep . It 's been a little stressful to have a new puppy , but it 's been really great too . One of the hard things about having a new puppy , that I think a lot of people don 't realize , is that for the first few months , you cannot take your mind off the puppy while she 's out of the crate . That 's why crate training is so nice . It 's supposed to be a pleasant place for the puppy ; a place where she can feel safe . Our puppy eats and sleeps in her kennel and she has things to chew on while she 's in there . She very rarely whines ( unless she needs to urinate or defecate ) and she will walk in there on her own . When she is getting tired , but the other two want her to keep playing , I 'll remove her and let her go sleep in her kennel . Arkhon and Kevin are learning to leave her alone when she is in there . However , when she 's free in the house , I have to be paying attention all the time . Our house is pretty puppy proof , and she 's learning our boundaries , but she is also exploring the world . All it takes is one second and she 's chewing on a power cord , or having an accident on the carpet . It is nice to have a backyard so she can go play with Arkhon without me being out there all the time . It 's a really nice break where she can get out a lot of energy too . I wouldn 't recommend getting a second dog if your first dog has behavior issues . Get the issues fixed first , and then get a second one . Don 't expect the second dog to fix the problems . When I was younger , we had a lab mix who liked to run away . She grew up on a farm , and so when she came to live with us , she just wanted to wander , and she was REALLY good at escaping . One of the reasons my parents let us get Dakota was because they thought it would help Meg to have a companion . In some ways it did , and Dakota was wonderful . However , Meg also taught her how to escape and run away . Even when Dakota was 15 years old and could barely walk , she would break out of our yard and stumble her way around to the front door . We would hear the sound of her panting through the front window . She also destroyed our wire fold - up crate the one time we put her in there ( which is why we got another plastic crate for the puppy ) . I 'm grateful that Arkhon didn 't learn those bad habits . Right now , the habits that Arkhon is teaching her are wonderful . When we whistle for him to come inside , he immediately comes running . So , Siff is also learning to come when we whistle . She is also learning to sit , and doing very well at it . She 's an intelligent little pup . I once again found out that I wasn 't pregnant , and the familiar pain began to descend upon me . However , I 've been trying harder to accept God 's will , and I had asked him that if I wasn 't pregnant , that he would send me peace . He sent me more than that . The first blessing that we received is our new puppy on Saturday . It is so nice to have a baby around . Siff still sleeps most of the day , and is super cuddly when she 's tired . She so adorable and soft . She 's a lot of fun to play with . Everyone loves her and she 's doing really well with potty training . She 's so cute ! We 've been planning a trip to visit Grig 's parents , and our previous plans for who was going to watch our dogs fell through ( through no fault of their own ) . I had been thinking and praying a lot about what we should do while we are gone . I had felt that things were going to work out , but I just didn 't know how . Then , yesterday , my sister called and offered to take them . She lives in Idaho , so normally that wouldn 't work out , except that my parents happen to be coming to visit the day before we leave . My mom agreed to take the dogs home with her so my sister could watch them . Kevin LOVES to pick up his puppy . Arkhon was feeling neglected because he had to share attention . So he came and planted his head on top of mine . It was pretty funny . I 'm grateful that I received such great blessings yesterday . Heavenly Father is very kind to me and my family . I 'm grateful for our new pup , and such wonderful friends and family . My parents came with us , to see the puppy and take some pictures . As we walked into the house , she was sitting on the couch with a red bandanna around her neck . She looked absolutely adorable , and as Kevin entered , she became very excited . That made us pretty happy , and we assured them that we hadn 't changed our minds . The woman was especially sad to see her go , I think . She showed no shyness at all , and greeted Kevin with exuberant kisses . He immediately loved her . She 's a Norwegian elkhound . Grig 's first dog was part Norwegian elkhound , and they later had a purebred one . We 've been looking for one for a while , and are so grateful that we were able to find one . We really liked the breeders too . They seemed very responsible to us . Grig rode in the back with Kevin and the new puppy to help her stay in the box . We were worried she would be like Arkhon and get sick or nervous on the way home . She panted a bit , but after a few minutes , she laid down and went right to sleep . She slept most of the way home , and we only had to stop once to let her out for a restroom break . We named her Siff . We 'd been looking into Norwegian mythology , which naturally led us to Vikings and their gods . After looking through Norse female names , we found a couple we liked , but the name Sif ( the wife of Thor ) really stood out to us . We added an extra ' f ' for personal reasons . I think it 's super cute , and its seems to fit her . Allopex ( Grig 's brother ) calls her our " Asgardian princess . " It 's nice to finally have another girl in the house again . We 're still outnumbered , but at least I 'm not alone anymore . After a bit of a drive , we got home and I took her into the backyard to relieve herself . Then , we brought Arkhon out , who was a little bit overly energetic because he hadn 't seen us in two days . Despite this , he and Siff got along great ! Almost immediately , after she stopped being overwhelmed by his torpedo - like speed , they became the best of friends . Siff was a little stinky , so after we all played outside for a minute , we took her into the bathroom and gave her a bath . She wasn 't a big fan , but she relaxed fairly quickly . She shivered after we took her out and we got her dry as quickly as possible . Arkhon is ecstatic . He loves having a new playmate . The stairs down from our deck were a little hard for her at first ( expect some video of that ) , but Arkhon tried really hard to show her how . By the end of her second day , she was making it down the deck just fine . She still has trouble coming back up , but he 's trying to help her with that too . This expression happened after I made my elephant imitation . She didn 't run away , just cocked her head back and forth , trying to figure out what the noise was . She 's not jumpy at all . She can be cautious , but she isn 't frightened . She becomes curious instead . We really like that about her . She loves Arkhon . They play and play and play . Arkhon is super gentle with her . as long as he is aware she 's around . He 's occasionally knocked her over on accident , but she recovers quickly . This is Kevin 's favorite thing to do . He loves to pick her up . We have to limit it actually , because we want her to be able to walk around to . I think he loves feeling strong . She 's very gentle with Kevin and very rarely bites him . I 've always owned border collie crosses , and so it 's nice to have a less - nippy puppy . She still explores with her mouth , but she doesn 't want to bite his heels when she 's chasing him . It fun to have a different set of instincts to work with . We 're pretty happy with her . She seems to be perfect for our family . We 're trying to enjoy every moment her her puppy - hood , because with any luck , we won 't have another puppy for the next 12 - 15 + years . We decided at the beginning of our marriage that two dogs was as many as we 'd ever have . So , we 're hoping Arkhon and Siff stay around for a long , long time . However , before I attended , my father asked me to consider a BYU Travel Study program to Nauvoo , Illinois . The only problem was . . . my sister had gone the previous year . Mainly for that reason , I balked at the idea . I didn 't want to follow in my sister 's footsteps and it was very hard for me to want to go . However , my dad pulled out his killer phrase . " Why don 't you pray about it ? " he asked . Oh , how I didn 't want to do that ! Usually , when my dad would say that , I would already know what the answer was . However , if I prayed and asked , I would actually have to do the answer , and in my stubborn state , I wanted to refuse . However , for some reason , I never could say no when my father asked me to do that . I prayed , and I ended up going to BYU - Nauvoo . It was among the best four months of my life . I had often been very lonely in high school . I had many friends , but I felt that I had no close ones . It was probably my own fault ; the few really close friends I 'd had from my childhood had moved away , and I felt that when you really let people in , they would leave . I really wanted the kind of friend that I could tell anything to and who always wanted to spend time with me ( and who wouldn 't leave ) . However , at BYU - Nauvoo , I found a group of friends who accepted all of me , even the strange , random bits , and loved them ! I have never laughed so much in my life , and I don 't think I had ever been as happy . It was my first college experience , and I loved it ! My dad 's a pretty great guy . Then , a few years later , I was trying to make a major life decision . I was trying to decide whether I should take a full - time job offer and change to night school , or if I should keep working on my two part - time jobs and continue going to school full - time . I was nearly finished with my bachelor 's degree , and I wasn 't sure what to do . Again , it was one of the best decisions of my life . I made some very close friends , and I am so grateful for the things that I learned . While on the mission , I decided to switch majors to Elementary Education , and I was told to switch colleges by my Heavenly Father . I did so , and not only my life , but some of my close friends were affected positively by that decision . However , when we heed the counsel of our earthly and Heavenly Father , we are truly blessed . I am still very close with the friends I made in Nauvoo and on the mission . I have often received counsel from my Heavenly Father that has been at odds with what I wanted to do , but as I bend my will and listen to Him , I am always happier and I experience blessings that I never would have thought possible . Some people have to wait until they 're married to find a best friend . I am so blessed that I have had several , and I am still close to them . We don 't live next door , but no matter how much time passes , the relationship feels the same when I see them again . I am now married to my very best friend , and I am so grateful for Grig . I am also learning to heed the counsel of my children 's father , and he is very wise . We are picking up a new puppy in a couple of days , and a lot of that is due to inspiration that my husband received . I am so grateful that I was told to listen and to heed his inspiration as well . It 's not always easy , but it is so worth it ! He is a baby bear that he calls " Baby . " Baby is a very helpful bear . When Kevin doesn 't want to go to sleep at night , we pretend to be Baby . The other day , Grig told him that Baby had originally been his . Grig had called it Frances , after the little Frances the badger books . When Grig told Kevin that , Kevin became concerned . The last couple of days , Kevin , Arkhon , and I have started walking again . The weather 's warmed up quite a bit , and we 've been enjoying ourselves . As we were walking yesterday , we ran into a pasture with a couple of horses in it . They came right up to the fence and let us feed them some of the new grass that was growing on our side . At first , Kevin was a little nervous , but he soon wanted to try . As we came closer , Kevin said , " Horses are big ! " Compared to our dog , they were huge . The larger , dark brown horse took the grass from his fingers , and Kevin became very excited . " He licked my fingers ! " he exclaimed . Arkhon wanted to come see the horses to . I carefully brought him up to the fence , and the horse was pretty cool about it . I think Arkhon was thinking the same thing Kevin was though . As the horse and our dog nearly touched noses to sniff each other , Arkhon lost his nerve and backed off a little . He didn 't run away , but he wasn 't sure he wanted his head so close to the huge creature 's mouth . Later , as Arkhon was looking toward some distant , barking dogs , the horse tried to smell his back . The horse nearly touched him before Arkhon realized what it was doing , and then he moved away again . Really , it went pretty well . Arkhon didn 't bark at them , he was just a little nervous . The horses weren 't scared of him , just curious . We 're going to go by again . It 's good for Arkhon to be around lots of different situations . Kevin runs pretty fast . He still loves wearing his Superman clothes , but he will occasionally wear different things . Yesterday , his Superman shirt got wet ( which he can 't stand ) , and so he went to his room and put on a dinosaur shirt his grandma had recently given him . He was so proud when he came out to show me what he was wearing , and that he had put it on himself . I guess I reacted well , because a few minutes later , he came out wearing shorts he had put on too . Some days , he 's grumpy , and if he doesn 't get what he wants , he will throw fits . Usually , he 'll run into his room and calm down , and then come back out . He plays pretty well with other kids , and he loves it when friends come over . They occasionally fight over sharing , but that 's pretty normal . I 've recently made him a job chart using Superman and animals . There are no words , only pictures , but he knows what each picture stands for . He can tell me which job is next , and he LOVES it . Once he completes a job , he gets to put a sticker on his chart . Sometimes I think he wishes there were more jobs . He loves having his uncles here , and loves it when they play with him . His Uncle Allopex is teaching him sword fighting , and his Uncle Havelock plays ( gentle ) punching games with him . Both of them help use up some of his awesome energy . He is always excited when they come home , and loves it when they have days off to spend with him . Kevin wants a little sibling , and he often prays for one . He is a great example to me of faith and acceptance though . He loves every moment of life , and he helps me be a much better person . |
I had already gone to bed . I had my laptop open to make sure I hadn 't missed anything on Reddit , and was brushing one of my geriatric cats , George , when I heard the pounding on the door . The doorbell rang almost simultaneously . Obviously something was wrong , so I got out of bed to grab my robe . Did one of my neighbors have an emergency ? There 's a young family that lives on one side of me with a toddler . My friend Jean , another single woman , lives across the street . On the other side of me are a quiet couple about my age . What could be wrong ? I hadn 't yet crossed the room when I realized that there were people in my house . Multiple people . The only time multiple people come into my house at that time of night without me letting them in is when my son and nephews are home from college , and they were all … away at college . A few days later I would learn that the gunman 's name was Robert Morgan Perry . His buddies had referred to him as " Ray " throughout their visit . He called them " Pookie " and " Luke . " Yes , they were stupid enough to call each other by name . Clearly , these gangstas did not spend their spare time watching CSI . As the twenty minutes or so that they spent in my house dragged by , it became clear to me that they had never paid much attention to true crime shows like Forensic Files or The First 48 , either . After pocketing my iPhone , the man grabbed my laptop computer from where it sat on my bed . He was not wearing gloves . Then he started yanking cords out of the electronics beside my bed . My clock radio , my iPod dock . He looked around and saw a quilt . He dumped the items onto the quilt , which apparently would serve as a way for him to carry those things out , then looked around my bedroom for more stuff to take . The whole time he carelessly waved his gun toward me . He grabbed the jewelry I had left on top of my dresser . Three of my favorites . A pair of antique Victorian chandelier ruby earrings , an antique gold ring I wore all the time , and my Goddess . My heart cried out when he took my Goddess . The he started yanking drawers out of the dresser and dumping their contents . He dropped one of the smaller drawers and kicked it . It shattered . He kicked the pieces out of the way and jerked open the next drawer . He sifted through my underwear , holding up items he found interesting . My stomach churned with disgust . " Is there anybody else in this house ? " he yelled at me . " If there 's anybody else in this house I 'm going to blow his ass away ! " Ray repeated this threat several times throughout his visit . No , no one else was home . I was glad Jack was at college . I was glad the dogs were at Skip 's . Had Missy or Frogger attacked armed intruders , they might both be dead . I knew I had to look at him to be able to remember a good description . I stared at his face whenever he turned toward me . I estimated him to be about 5 ' 6 , with a slim build - maybe about 150 pounds - and medium skin . I had to remember . I hated looking at his face , especially as he fingered my lingerie . " Where 's the rest of your jewelry ? " he demanded . I said nothing . He waved the gun in my direction . " I know you got more jewelry , " he said . " That 's it . You 've got it . That 's what I wear every day , " I answered . That much was two - thirds true . I wear the ring every day . I wear the Goddess most days . The earrings , though , I tend to wear just during the holidays , because they remind me of Christmas ornaments . He looked around the room . I could hear his future co - defendants moving around upstairs . My bedroom is one level down from the front entrance to my house . He waved the gun again . " Where 's your damn jewelry ? " he demanded . Now , here 's where I confess that I am a jewelry whore . I don 't wear makeup very often , and I usually just pull my otherwise unkempt hair into a ponytail , but otherwise I 'm very much a dragon . I love sparkly things . I love gold . I love shiny stones . I love silver . I like big jewelry . I am quite content when I am surrounded by pretty baubles . My hoard of shiny , sparkly things makes me happy . I 've collected antique jewelry for years . And I was damned if I was going to tell him where it was . But he kept yelling at me and waving that gun in my face . Finally I told him I had a safe in my closet . It was sitting on the floor . He grinned as he carried it out , smug in his conquest . He called for Pookie to keep an eye on me while he carried the safe out . One of the other two men obliged , but unlike Ray , his face was covered . He was wearing my son 's Guy Fawkes mask . At some point during all this , I heard a terrific crash from upstairs . I couldn 't tell where it came from , just that it was really , really loud . Something big had fallen . Evidently since they hadn 't worked to earn the money to pay for it , they couldn 't care less whether they damaged it . I had visions of antique French furniture being smashed into kindling . I worried that my grandmother 's Italian crystal chandelier had been ripped from the dining room ceiling . I expected them to take all the electronics they could carry . I just hoped they 'd leave the antiques and art alone . Hopefully they didn 't know what those things were worth , and couldn 't tell about the value of my other shiny baubles , set about my home and in cases and on shelves . I hoped all they wanted were things they could sell quickly and easily , but because that horrible man grinned as he pocketed three pieces of unique and easily identifiable jewelry , I was worried . Ray soon returned to the bedroom , and a third guy also came downstairs where we were . I saw three men during that incident , but I thought perhaps I heard someone else still upstairs when the three I saw were downstairs . They systematically yanked the TV and other electronics out of the wall sockets and carried them out . I have a sewing room next to my bedroom , and they took the TV from there , too . Then one of the thugs noticed my collection of antique sterling silver and mother of pearl sewing tools . More shiny baubles . He emptied the display case and my heart sank . Most of those belonged to two of my great - grandmothers , and they are irreplaceable . The price they will bring at a pawn shop pales in comparison to what they are worth , and what they mean to me . Two of them returned upstairs , leaving only Ray downstairs . He rummaged through my closets , digging through bags and boxes . Unwrapped Christmas gifts sat in one closet . After dumping the box they were in , Ray apparently saw nothing worth stealing so moved on . Then he yelled to ask if Pookie had his gun . Startled , I saw that Ray was no longer holding the gun . A wild hope of escape crossed my mind , but with Ray between me and the back door , and at least two more men upstairs , I was frozen with indecision . Could I make it across the street to Jean 's ? Not if I had to run past them . Could I get out the back door ? Probably not before Ray caught up with me . Would he just let me run ? Probably not . If I ran , where could I go ? To get to Jean 's I 'd have to cross the street in front of my house , where Ray 's buddies were probably loading things into their vehicle . And one of them - I didn 't know which - probably had that gun . I felt like a deer in headlights . I didn 't run . He moved to the laundry room across from my bedroom , demanding that I come with him . He had found a clear plastic bag someplace , and began stuffing smaller things into it . " What the hell ? That 's my travel iron ! " I couldn 't help myself . These idiots were risking a prison sentence of 20 - 40 years or life for miniature iron that probably cost less than $ 20 and was at least 15 years old ? Seriously ? Ray just looked at me and grinned . Maybe he was in this for the excitement , not the money . Some of the things they took and some of the things they left were puzzling . The drawer holding my sterling silver flatware was open , but nothing was missing . They took the Rock Band video game components - then abandoned them just outside the basement door - but didn 't even knock Jack 's 50th Anniversary Fender Stratocaster off its stand . Ray ordered me up the stairs . I hoped they wouldn 't kidnap me . The hope of being able to run past them , out the front door and across the street to Jean 's , beat wildly in my chest . On the way upstairs , I noticed blood dripped on the wall and on the landing . Satisfaction mingled with my faint hope . One of them was bleeding , and that meant better forensic evidence than smudged fingerprints and half - remembered descriptions from a terrified victim . I looked away from the blood . I hoped the thugs wouldn 't notice it . They stopped me at the top of the stairs . I couldn 't see out the front door , and I couldn 't see whether there were other people . I wondered if I dared to try to push past them to get across the street to Jean 's house before they found the gun , but someone yelled that he had it . I wondered if these thugs really had the courage , or were psychopathic enough , to really use it . I decided that trial and error was not a good way to find out . I wondered who they thought would feed their families while they were in prison . Bringing that gun along had added at least ten years to their sentences , and none of them was wearing gloves . I had seen Ray 's face , and studied it well . I had desperately noted every detail I could about the other two , from their hairstyles to their body types . He left the room , and a few moments later I heard the squeal of tires . I bolted upstairs . They hadn 't found my kitchen phone . I shook as I dialed 911 . I blurted out what had happened , and then I started to really panic . What if they came back ? Should I stay , or leave ? I begged the 911 operator to call my sister . She tried , but my sister was out of town . I didn 't want to bother my brother , Jay , who I knew had been up for nearly 48 hours already because of a huge project at work . I asked her to call my son 's father . He didn 't answer his phone . I started to cry . She called him again . Still no answer . But by this time the police arrived . I love Skip - he 's still one of my very best friends , even though we 've been divorced nearly eight years . I am really sorry for ruining his evening - he said he had left a very promising date to come see about me . I don 't know who the woman was , but I sure hope she accepts that his decision was a sign of his strength of character , and not a competition where she came in second . ( She 's welcome to him . Take my ex - husband . Please . All I ask is that she allow him to remain my friend when it comes to Jack . And in the occasional emergency . ) A few minutes later the doorbell rang again . My sister had called Jay , who immediately had come wide awake despite his exhaustion and broken land speed records over the ten miles to my house . I love that man , too . He thought to turn on the " Track my Phone " feature and found that the thugs and my phone were at the hospital less than half a mile away . He put my phone in lost mode . Jack came home that night , too . Jay had texted him and told him not to break speed records getting here , but I don 't think Jack paid much attention . He walked in the house and hugged me tighter than he has since he was a very little guy . Even if he 's grown , I guess he still loves his mom . Jack helped me clean up the wreckage in my bedroom after the police , Skip , and Jay left . Neither one of us expected to sleep . About 5 a . m . , I picked up one of the quilts and was surprised that it was heavy . I put it back down and unfolded it . Hidden within were my laptop , my bedside clock - radio , my iPod , and my iPod dock . Ray had apparently forgotten them in the excitement of carrying out a heavy safe full of jewelry , I guess . Jack and I laughed . Pookie left a lot of blood all over my house . He cut himself either taking my big TV off the wall over my living room fireplace , or ripping cords out of the desktop computer he didn 't take the time to unhook . His thug buddies apparently took Pookie from my house straight to the ER to get him stitched up . They turned my phone on and off several times over the next several days - at Pookie 's house , at the barber college where Luke apparently works , and a few other places . The detectives were able to round up Pookie and Luke pretty quickly , and they confessed and implicated a fourth man , a guy named Wilbert Champ . I never saw Champ . Maybe he was the one I heard walking around upstairs while Pookie , Luke and Ray were all downstairs . Ray told me there were five of them altogether . A friend of mine runs the Forbidden Hillcrest site . I 've followed his blog for several years , since it 's all about my neighborhood . It 's fun to read - it has the history of Hillcrest , fictional neighborhood drama , and real neighborhood drama . On the Facebook page for Forbidden Hillcrest , there are lots of crime reports and commentary from my neighbors . When Pookie , Luke and Champ were arrested , the arrest reports were posted to the Forbidden Hillcrest page . Within minutes , my intrepid neighbors had found the Facebook pages for Pookie and Luke . The " gangsta " talk on those two pages is almost unintelligible . It appears from Pookie 's post the day after the robbery that they did this as part of his birthday celebration . He said , " thanx to erbodi who wished me a happy bday ~ A0 ~ " What a way to celebrate - scare the shit out of some woman you 've never seen before , forcibly deprive her of her things , wreck her house , and get arrested . Whooo - eeee , we 're having some fun , now . Most disheartening , though was a photo posted on Luke 's page of himself and a small child . " Me and my lil g " is what he calls it . The child 's lower face is covered with a bandana , and both of them are throwing gang signs . He 's proud of teaching a child to live a life of crime . After 20 years of practicing juvenile law , this disgusts me so completely there are barely words to describe how I feel . Talk about a kid having a lot to overcome - if crime is glorified to this child , then he 's going to end up in prison right along with Luke . Luke appears to have at least some remorse for what he did . When he bonded out of jail after the arrest , he posted " Js wanna say srry 2 all da people I let down I 'm finna get my life together from now on " on his Facebook status . He 's at least sorry for getting caught , which is a start . He 'd have more credibility with me if he returned my jewelry and antique sewing tools , though . Who knows - he might get a lighter sentence than his co - defendants for his efforts . And he might actually straighten his life out . He 'll take a step toward transforming himself from a shitty human being to a human being who did something shitty once . Ray is still at large , but there 's a warrant out for his arrest . When I received word of that , and learned what his name was , I looked him up on the Pulaski County Clerk 's website . Piecing it together from docket entries on the website , it looks like he drew a battery charge in May 2006 . Apparently he didn 't ever show up for court , so in 2008 a warrant was finally issued for his arrest again . Eventually he got probation for the battery charge . Then in April 2008 he was charged with the statutory rape of a 13 year old girl . He entered a negotiated plea - a plea bargain - to the lesser offense of sexual assault , and was sentenced to ten years , with 5 suspended , and sent to ADC in November 2008 . He apparently got out on parole and did something else to get the suspended sentence imposed . The revocation petition mentions that he was in possession of firearms , which felons are not to have . There was a revocation hearing in October 2011 and he went to ADC again . Then in March 2012 he was sentenced to another 5 years on the sexual assault charge - essentially the suspended 5 years of the original sentence was imposed . I don 't know why he was already out in time to rob me at gunpoint by December 6 . I have a feeling , though , that he 's going to spend a little longer in prison this time . I don 't have any of my things back , and given the crash I heard from upstairs , I doubt the one television the police recovered will still work . It was covered in Pookie 's blood when they found it , anyway , so I 'm not real sure I even want it back . They also recovered Jack 's Guy Fawkes mask . When I showed him the arrest report that said the mask had been found , Jack grimaced and said they could keep it . I do fine until it 's time to go to bed . Then I replay that twenty minutes in my mind , second - guessing myself , wondering what I could have done differently . Then I get up and take a Xanax , and after another twenty minutes of replaying the robbery , I finally fall asleep . I could have locked up my jewelry before I went to bed . They wouldn 't have gotten my Goddess , then . I 'm lucky that all they got were those three pieces of jewelry . Oh , the safe I mentioned ? The one I told Ray to get out of the closet ? Yeah , it didn 't have jewelry in it . There was nothing of significant value in it at all . I hadn 't even opened it in ages . My best friend was under strict instructions to get that safe out of my house stat if anything ever happened to me , because my mom and my son should never see its contents . / 4 Comments In those days , when there was no king in Israel , a certain Levite , residing in the remote parts of the hill country of Ephraim , took to himself a concubine from Bethlehem in Judah . But his concubine became angry with him and she went away to her father 's house at Bethlehem in Judah , and was there some four months . Then her husband set out after her , to speak tenderly to her and bring her back . - Judges 19 : 1 - 3 The shock at hearing my husband 's name was only slightly less than the shock of hearing it spoken with such pleasure by my father . Exchanging a look with Mama , I moved to the kitchen window . The familiar F - 150 was indeed in the driveway , and Daddy , who had been working on his old Camaro under the shade of the live oak , was stuffing a shop rag in his hip pocket and walking toward the truck with a grin on his face . I couldn 't believe it . Daddy knew why I had left . The meth had led Bobby to more and more erratic behavior , and by the time I was able to get the money together to get back home I was practically unable to use my left arm any more . I think Bobby had broken it at least twice , and the second time he didn 't let me go to the hospital for two weeks . They said they 'd have to break it again and do surgery , and he said he didn 't have the money to pay for it , so it never did heal right . Finally it seemed like the muscles just seemed to quit working in it . Bobby stayed three days . By Monday morning , Daddy had loaded my things into the bed of the pickup and told me my place was with my husband . Mama didn 't argue about it any more after Daddy popped her in the mouth Saturday afternoon . I had no choice . Bobby had been making sweet promises about how good things were going to be . I thought that if things got bad I 'd just walk out again . We were on the outskirts of the city , about an hour and a half from home , when Bobby told me he had to go see a man there for business . Since the only business Bobby ever did involved things like guns and drugs , I knew we weren 't likely to go to a good neighborhood . I was right . We were in an area that had clearly seen better days . " Urban blight " is the euphemism for it . Porches sagged without anyone standing on them . Graffiti covered everything from the walls of the homes to the fire hydrants to the sidewalks , and I could understand none of the writing . No one ever taught me this other language or the script in which it was written . Bobby parked on the street in front of what looked like a store front that had been converted to living quarters . Before getting out of the truck he reached under his seat and removed his pistol . He checked it to be sure it was loaded , then stuck it into his pants at the waist , covering it with his t - shirt . " Stay in the truck , " he said . Bobby had been inside almost three hours when a group of men approached the truck . When they tapped on the window I sat up , confused for a moment . An ugly scar bisected the cheek of the tall man who demanded Bobby 's whereabouts through the slightly lowered window . Wordlessly , I pointed at the building . The tall man stomped off , his followers behind them . There were about ten of them . They pounded on the door , and although they apparently talked with whomever was on the other side , I could hear nothing . I saw the angry looks on the men 's faces , though . I saw two unsheath knives . Another 's gun was poorly concealed in the waistband of his jeans . A man on the edge of that crowd leaned down and picked up a piece of pipe . While they were enjoying themselves , the men of the city , a perverse lot , surrounded the house , and started pounding on the door . They said to the old man , the master of the house , " Bring out the man who came into your house that we may have intercourse with him . " And the man , master of the house , went out to them and said to them , " No , my brothers , do not act so wickedly . Since this man is my guest , do not do this vile thing . Here are my virgin daughter and his concubine ; let me bring them out now . Ravish them and do whatever you want to them ; but against this man do not do such a vile thing . " - Judges 19 : 22 - 24 The door opened then , and I saw an older man holding a young girl by the arm . She couldn 't have been more than twelve or thirteen years old and she looked terrified . He shoved the child toward the crowd of men , but the tall one with the scar pushed her back inside . There was more discussion . Gesturing , and then loud voices told me that they wanted my husband , they wanted him now , and they wanted him dead . Bobby had taken the keys with him when he went inside . I locked the doors of the truck and sat in the middle of the seat . I was afraid , but I didn 't panic until I heard the thundering demand from the tall , scarred man : " If he won 't come out here and answer us like a man , he 's a pussy . We want the pussy . If you don 't give us that pussy , we 'll take his other pussy ! " He was pointing at the truck . He was pointing at me . The men surrounded the truck . Terrified , I refused to open the doors . The man with the pipe struck the window on the passenger side . It took him several tries , but finally it shattered and he reached inside and unlocked the door . They pulled me out of the truck . At first I screamed my husband 's name . Then I simply screamed . Every man in that crowd had his turn , and several of them had more than one turn in more than one place on my horrified body . I lost track of the number of times each took me , and the way each took me . My abdomen felt near to exploding , then was numb . Two at once , three at once , there were more than I could count . I knew I was bleeding because they pulled away from me drenched in my blood . When they forced my mouth open to defile me there , too , I bit down . Mercifully I felt only the first few of their blows to my head . After that , I lost consciousness . As morning appeared the woman came and fell down at the door of the man 's house where her master was , until it was light . In the morning her master got up , opened the doors of the house , and when he went out to go on his way there was his concubine lying at the door of the house , with her hands on the threshold . - Judges 19 : 26 - 27 I lay on the pavement at the door to the house . I couldn 't answer . My jaw was probably broken , and the teeth on the left side of my mouth were gone . Painfully I lifted my head slightly and dropped it again . I could only see out of my right eye , and Bobby looked blurry even out of it . He reached down and yanked on my arm . I screamed wordlessly . It was obviously broken and the shoulder was probably dislocated as well . My legs had no feeling in them . I couldn 't walk . Bobby dragged me whimpering to the truck and threw me in the passenger side , ignoring the fact that I was naked and the broken glass was ripping my skin to shreds . What I found to be humorous about the whole affair was that he packaged up the parts of my body and mailed them to the men in that crowd . He also mailed a piece of me to the man in whose house he had hid . He sent my head to my parents . Daddy opened the package and vomited . I laughed . I haunt them all . The pieces of my flesh that were sent to each man allow me to stay with him . The fact that their flesh is part of me because of that awful night allows me to stay as long as I wish . I have learned to give them boils , to call lice and fleas to their hairiest regions , to drench them in a stench so powerful none can stand near them , to afflict them with breath so fetid even their vicious dogs turn away from them . They don 't sleep at night , these twelve men who wronged me . The man whose seed created me , the man whose seed claimed me as his wife , and the ten men whose seed defiled me against my will do not sleep because of the wrongs done to me . / 1 Comment There are a young husband and wife who are British doctors . The wife is a GP , the husband is a cardiologist . They have three children . The twins are two years old and their older daughter , Madeleine , was three when the family went on a beach vacation to Portugal a couple of weeks ago . The parents left their three sleeping toddlers in their ground - floor resort apartment and went to dinner at the restaurant next door . The parents decided against a babysitter for their three children . The children could have been taken to a drop - in service or an individual could have come to their room . Either service was free . The parents were only going next door , after all , and could take turns leaving their dinner to check on the children periodically . They faithfully checked on the children every half hour , according to a family friend . At her 10 : 00 p . m . check , however , the mother discovered that the eldest child was gone . A bedroom window was open . The three year old girl had vanished at night in a foreign country . A guest at the resort said , " The parents left the door ajar so they could keep going over and looking at [ the children ] . " A second family friend remarked that the medical couple " are fantastic parents and could see the bedroom from the hotel restaurant . " Fantastic parents ? Do fantastic parents leave toddlers alone in a different building for half an hour at a time ? Do fantastic parents leave their tiny children in a hotel room with the door ajar ? Do fantastic parents ignore their children 's security so they can enjoy a meal ? I realize that the focus needs to be on finding this little girl . After nearly 20 years working in the field of child abuse and neglect , however , I cannot believe that the two year old twins have not been removed from their parents ' custody yet . These parents have demonstrated their unfitness to have the care of children with very public repercussions . Someone on another site I frequent was commenting on this situation and brought up the question of class . A poor or working class ( blue collar ) family would have had criminal charges brought and the other children removed for fear of additional harm . Because these were middle class , more affluent people , they were free to criticize the efforts of the Portuguese law enforcement officials who unsuccessfully searched for the child . Regardless of socioeconomic status , these children were toddlers left alone . Protection of children is common sense , not a class issue . It infuriates me that money and status protect negligence of this nature . Someone in that other forum pointed out that even if the parents had been in the apartment , a kidnapper could have broken in and taken the little girl . This fact is no excuse . Presumably had the parents been there , the door would not have been ajar and the cries of the child as she was being abducted could have been heard . Their very presence would have been a deterrent to this unthinkable act . I am concerned for the missing girl . I am just as concerned for her younger siblings who are still in the custody and care of these thoughtless parents . My concern is for the children . I have very little sympathy for the mother and father , whose selfish , lazy decision not to get a free babysitter increased the likelihood that something of this nature would happen . Have these parents been punished enough for their negligence ? I would say they 've been punished in the most horrific , unforgettable manner possible . When and if their daughter 's abused corpse if located , they will never be able to forgive themselves . Nevertheless , the notion that their socioeconomic status protects them from the legal repercussions a less affluent couple would face is wrong . Either this couple needs to be prosecuted , or the less affluent parents who allow something like this to happen should not be . Our society needs to choose . I 'm not going to publicize what my religion is . There are exactly four people on my friends list who know what it is , and three of them are closely related to me . I don 't talk about religion a lot , but I do study it . I study it mainly because I tend to study anything controversial , and religion is one of the most controversial things out there . I don 't tend to talk about it much because I never know who 's going to get hacked off thinking that I 'm blasting their precious dogma . Yes , Christianity has the largest following of any religion . However , more people in the world are non - Christian than Christian . This is something many Christians just don 't seem to appreciate when they blithely talk about something not being the " Christian " thing to do . Oh , the ignorant arrogance of that statement ! When I hear the phrase , " That wasn 't very Christian ! " it is usually with the sound of judgment ringing in my ears . The speaker has just measured someone else 's conduct or words and found them lacking . Likewise , when someone says , " I 'm a Christian , so I wouldn 't _________” ( fill in the blank with your own imagination ) , they are also normally passing judgment on someone they find to be behaving inappropriately . If every religion teaches the same moral rules , how is it that Christianity has a corner on the morals market ? The answer is , of course , that it doesn 't . What 's worse for Christianity is that those people passing judgment are doing one of the very things their religion teaches that they should not do : the are judging . I hear either of these two phrases and I assume , from that point forward , that the speaker is a hypocrite . I have heard an argument that this country was established on Christian values and morals . I respectfully disagree with that assessment . Even a casual reading of what was recorded in The Federalist Papers on this subject will enlighten us . The framers of the Constitution and the Bill of Rights wrote the establishment clause to give Americans freedom of religion , as well as freedom from it . Not all of the founding fathers were religious men , and at least one was publically an atheist . As long as there are tests in school , there will be school prayer - just not necessarily praying out loud . We should remember , though , that unless our children go to a school connected with a specific religion , the children there are of many faiths , and not just the Judeo - Christian - Muslim traditions that worship the same god . Yes , that god is the one worshipped by the most people in this country . But there are Buddhist and Hindu children in our schools , too . Wiccans send their children to school . So do Unitarians . And there are plenty of children who are not being instructed in any form of religion . What is the function of religion ? Basically , religions exist to provide that moral framework I mentioned . It 's something all religions have in common . The tenets of each religion may be different , but the basics are the same . Religions instruct us how to get along with other people in a society . Most of our morality is actually codified as law , but there are still issues of fairness that simply can 't be codified . Those uncodified morals are the ones we have to make choices about in daily life . Sometimes they can be condemned as situational ethics , which is another entire area of contention , and maybe the subject of another blog . But as for the morality that is not part of the law , we should remember that teaching morals is the province of parents , not the school system . If we want our children to have honor and integrity , we must teach them those things at home . If we want them to be compassionate and generous , we must teach them that at home . If we want them to be faithful to their spouses , nurturing to their children , and keep their flower beds tended as adults , we as parents must teach them that those things are important . And we should also teach them that when the neighbor parks his boat on our petunias , the neighbor is not being un - Christian , he is being rude and troublesome . No religion would condone such behavior . For that matter , no society would . 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So , tomorrow we 're off to London to have a preview of a sale coming up in a few weeks - hang on , link alert . . . ... . . . here . Start at Lot 210 , because we will , although if you could do with some porcelain asparagus servers , check out the earlier lots as there are some splendid examples there . We are taking a friend and whizzing up there and back , spending a mere 4 hours in the Metropolis . Were it all down to me , I 'd make a leisurely day of it and visit art galleries and meet chums , but the Sage and our friend are purposeful and so I obey , with good cheer and a willing heart , as ever . What a lovely day today . I biked into town wearing , on top of normal attire of course , a light jacket and no gloves at all , for the first time since I started this exercise and healthy living nonsense ( no , I 'm no better for it : a little fitter and thinner , but still the same Z , you will be relieved to know ) . I seem to have committed myself to go to a meeting in Liverpool in May . I should have booked a hotel room several months ago , like everyone else . I 'll end up in some dive in a back street . Is Liverpool safe for a small and unfeisty ( that 's how I look , honestly ) woman like me ? A week ago , we were in winter . Today , it was a warm and sunny spring day . Whatever one thinks about English weather , it is always interesting . Of course , today the clocks changed to British Summer Time - an hour lost , but in all other respects , all to the good . If I support the cause of Scottish Independence , which I do ( only I call it English Independence ) , then one of the reasons is that then each country would be able to make a decision regarding the bi - annual changing of the clocks according to its own interests . Gardened in the afternoon , and am paying for it with a very uncomfortable hip this evening , and then cooked . The Sage dug up some leeks , which are still lovely , although they will all need to be eaten before they become woody in the centre , and we had some this evening with the roast chicken ( freerange , from Sutton Hoo ) , roast potatoes and cauliflower ( which , like the potatoes , was grown 6 miles away ) . I have made soup with the rest of the leeks , and a Bolognese sauce with the beef I bought on Saturday . Since I 'm expecting a busy week , I am feeling awfully smug at the thought of all the meals I 've prepared ahead . Though tomorrow , the meat will be stripped from the chicken and the bones will make stock for more soup . A frugal soul I am , and we eat the better for it . Having said that , the garden is getting away from me badly . I just can 't do the digging any more , nor can I even carry anything heavy - fine if it 's bags by my side , but I can 't carry anything much ahead of me in my arms . Most frustrating , as I am perfectly well and strong . We know how we 'd like to solve the garden problem , but it 's a pipe dream at present and not to be resolved yet . I 'll just have to teach Squiffany and Pugsley how to garden . Pugsley is good at filling seed trays with compost , and Squiffany is reasonably adept at sowing seeds in them , but I think they need a rake , a hoe and lessons in telling weeds from vegetable seedlings . The Sage was in London today so I had to amuse myself . Happily , he arrived home before 5 and has amused me ever since . I watched the Boat Race . The Sage supports Cambridge and I support Oxford . We are both highly partisan , but extremely polite and so have to pretend not to be interested at all . Cambridge were on the side of the river that should have ensured they won , but they didn 't . I casually told the Sage , giving The Other Place ( my father would actually not mention its name and I never visited Cambridge in his lifetime ) full credit for a valiant attempt . When I was a child , a bottle of champagne was placed in the fridge on Boat Race day and fetched out in time for the race - but if Cambridge won , it was silently put away again . Since Oxford rarely won in the ' 60s , the champagne mostly lived to sparkle another day . Dilly was out today , so I looked after the children , who behaved impeccably . We played in their house and mine , they bounced on my bed , played hide and seek with two duck - shaped pencil sharpeners and a small wooden Indian elephant , had lunch and , in Pugsley 's case , a nap and played with Playdough for an hour until Dilly came home . Then she and I wanted to talk , so Squiffany became noisy and boisterous , as she was no longer centre of attention . It wasn 't that she was receiving none at all - we were talking to her too and joining in their games , but our minds were drifting away from babyness and she didn 't appreciate it . The catalogue of an auction in London arrived today , so the Sage has been engrossed in it most of the day . We 're going to have a look at the china next week - not the official viewing days for a few more weeks , but if you ask nicely , they 'll put it on show for you . Three of us are going together , so it 'll be worth their effort - it 's certainly something we do for clients . Not much else - horrible weather and I stayed home . I haven 't sown any seeds in the garden yet - vegetables will be late this year . No point in doing so when the weather is so cold and I am not too bothered about it . Now that August is a fairly exciting month in this family ( two weddings in three years and , this year , a baby to come ) , I have more to do than water greenhouses and pick the crops and I 'll do what I can and not worry about the rest . The kitchen garden is designed to be neglected once in a while without becoming unmanageable . Friends of ours called in this evening to look at the china for the next auction . She has severe rheumatoid arthritis and can 't get about easily , although she is younger than me , so it is helpful for her not to have to rely on being well enough to come to the sale . The first time they came , they had never handled a piece of L ' stoft before , so I sat them down and took them everything , a piece or two at a time . The best way to learn about china is to handle it and look at it , and now they know a great deal . " The Sage says that you had a bad fall ? " I said sympathetically . She started to tell me about it " . . . of course , this was while we were still living away as our house was being repaired . . . " " whoa , I don 't know about this , " I interrupted . Now , if you or I ever complain about a run of bad luck , compare with this before feeling hard - done - by . In November , cracks appeared in the walls - in one bedroom , the ceiling and the wall parted company , so that the roof was not really being held up by anything at all . Subsidence was blamed and the insurance company sent the builders in . Our friends thought the large willow tree on the other side of the road , on council - owned land , might be to blame , but the insurance company reckoned it was the shrubs , dwarf conifers and escallonia , euonymous and that sort of thing , none above 8 ' high , in the garden and required them all to be removed . While the work was being done and pile - drivers were being used , the vibrations made a ceiling fall down . At the time that the house was built , Artex ceilings contained asbestos , so they were told they would have to vacate the property until the work was finished . They had to have their furniture put in store and move out . A water pipe was also cracked by the vibration , so the parquet floor was also damaged . They moved into a house by the river near Norwich . They have stayed there before , the Christmas before last , and like it very much and were able to book it for three months . Unfortunately , within a few days A , the husband , slipped as he came out of Posted by She really can make me do anything , can my little dog . She decided it was dinner time , some three hours early . She doesn 't bother me , she never whines nor paws me . She looks at me and wags her tail , and if I tell her to go away , she goes . On this occasion , I held out for half an hour . I obeyed in the end , though . Maybe , later , she 'll let me come on the sofa with her for a cuddle . I know that there 's not a blogger in the world who doesn 't , or at any rate hasn 't read Dooce . And I wonder all the more why Tilly wore a hole in the carpet in one corner a couple of years ago , when there really was nothing there . When she stared at a cupboard , we cleared it out until a mouse ran out , which Tilly managed to miss . No , I don 't know where it went . But the innocent corner ? . . . anyway , we don 't ignore our dog when she 's trying to tell us something , but it 's never likely to be a raccoon living in our chimney . The church treasurer has been round with forms for me to sign , to change standing orders to pay the church administrator and cleaner . Both of them , part - time workers ( one with another part - time job too ) will receive less money in future , although they received a cost - of - living wage increase in January . You remember last year 's Budget , the last that Mr Brown prepared ? At the end , he announced that the base rate of tax would go down from 22 % to 20 % , quite wrong - footing the Leader of the Opposition who had to give an instant critical reply - and wrong - footing the Leader of the Opposition is an absolutely appropriate thing for the Chancellor to do . But not , I think , by leaving out an important fact , which I read about in the paper the next day . The 10 % tax rate for lower - paid workers was being eliminated and , as soon as they had enough to pay tax at all , they would pay 20 % like the rest of those of us who are on basic rate . This means that , from this April , people earning enough to pay tax but less than £ 15 , 000 per annum will pay more . Helping people out of the poverty trap ? I don 't think so . * Denis Healey denies , by the way , saying " Squeezing the rich until the pips squeak " , but says that Lloyd George said it back in the 1920s . However , I suspect it will remain indelibly associated with him . It was a beautiful sunny morning but there had been , unexpectedly , a snowfall in the night . I trotted out soon after 8 o ' clock to take a picture , and it was already starting to drip from the trees . A few minutes later , Al 's front door opened and he came out with the children and they started to build a snowman together . Dilly had gone to spend the night with her sister as they had something on this morning and she didn 't want to make an early start in the frost . There are better photos , but they show the children 's faces , and Al 's , and I don 't think he would like me to post them . I am tantalising you with a glimpse of the mysterious and wonderful Sage . ___________________________ My sister and I were grumbling about increased costs this morning and agreeing that we were both thinking before we spent money . A couple of years ago , for instance , when I first bought my present car , it cost £ 40 to fill it . Last autumn , it crept above £ 50 . Now , it costs £ 60 . Then I read this in the paper . And we shut up and wiped our eyes . She 's at work tomorrow , so she left for Wiltshire after breakfast . It 's been duller without her . . . Today , I 've been flower arranging , babysitting , cooking , eating , drinking , playing games and chatting . Not much time for writing . I haven 't even read the papers . I have , however , already prepared the vegetables for tomorrow 's lunch , so I 'm feeling quite good - housekeeperish . Numerous annoyances of the smaller sort in the past few days , so best to shut up now before I start to whinge about them all . Happy Easter , darlingsxx Z . . . of the Last Supper that I 'll ever read , I should think . From The Times television pages - Jesus enjoys a final meal with His Disciples before being betrayed by Judas . Enjoys a final meal ? Sounds more like a stag night than anything I 've ever read in the Gospels . Our little girl is 3 today . Last night , she helped Al and Dilly wrap a couple of presents for Pugsley , so that he would not feel left out ( and not try to help open hers ) . This morning , she was up bright and early at her parents ' bedside , wanting to give them to him . They went into the sitting room . She was chattering happily " Look , Pugsley , here are some presents for you because it 's my birthday , come on and open them . " " What about your presents , Squiffany ? " said her father . She looked around . A chair was adorned with balloons and piled with parcels . " What 's that ? Has Father Christmas come ? " It had slipped her mind that you receive rather than give presents for your birthday . She soon adjusted to the idea though , and started unwrapping . " Oh ! That 's lovely ! It 's just what I 've always wanted - is it a game , Mummy ? " Everything she opened was ' just what she 'd always wanted ' . She 's having a succession of small parties - one at toddler group this morning , another in the early afternoon and a third later on , when another friend is home from school . We 're going at about 3 o ' clock , when I get home from lunch . I decided to buy art & craft - y things and some books . I went to both the toy and the art department of the only large family - owned department store left in the centre of Norwich . Everything aimed at small children was emblazoned " No Mess ! " , being designed to offer as little creativity and fun as possible . I put together some glittery paint , coloured paper and card , coloured pipe cleaners , tissue and crepe papers , some templates , pens and coloured pencils , playdough with cutters , glitter , confetti , cotton wool balls , a sponge and some brightly coloured brushes , wooden lolly sticks , a book on craft ideas ( aimed at a rather older child , but there just wasn 't anything and her mother can simplify it ) , a couple of story books and a cook book and have wrapped them all in bright paper with no sticky tape ( so she can reuse it ) and arranged them in a box . A little book ( The Owl and the Pussycat ) and some coloured pencils and a coloPosted by I 've been losing things again . I thought I was all set for this afternoon 's meeting , until I looked for the paperwork , which the chairman had gone through with me thoroughly last Thursday . It could only have been in one of three rooms , but I couldn 't find it . I quickly eliminated the drawing room , because it was quite tidy and anything out of place would have been obvious . The kitchen was also tidy by my standards , so a search didn 't take long . The study took longer . Ages . I 'd been going through some papers over the weekend , so the usual vertical structure had been disturbed - and then , when I was printing out the address labels for our auction catalogue , with one page to go the printer decided it had run out of ink ( my old printer was polite enough to squeeze out just enough ink , but this one is a beast , although it 's the same make ) and I had to take a tottering pile of * stuff I need * off it to open it up . Eventually , I gave up and went and searched all the places I 'd already looked and then , as a last resort , looked at the place the Sage keeps Stuff in the kitchen , and there it was . At the meeting , amongst other matters , we discussed the recent Ofsted inspection - the result is officially out today , although it 's the last day of term , so the pupils and parents haven 't heard it yet . At a later stage in the meeting , I mentioned the recent school production of Jesus Christ , Superstar , which was superbly done . The Head said that he 'd firmly led the inspector in to a rehearsal - " just for five minutes " he told his colleagues . Forty - five minutes later , they sent for him . He declared it " Outstanding . " " You can tell he works for Ofsted , " mused a governor . " Anyone else would have said ' Great , superb ' " . " I expect he says that to his wife , too , " I added " when she serves a particularly delicious meal " . The Head looked a bit alarmed . " I wondered what you were going to say then " . I can 't deny it , the first thought that had come into my mind was a touch less suitable for a governors ' meeting . However , as ever I went on the attaPosted by Dilly emailed me last night to ask how to put the dots on my name . I replied that , on a Mac , it 's alt + u , then the letter - e for a diaeresis or u for an umlaut , but I didn 't know for a PC . I googled to find out . For a ë , one way of doing it is Alt + 137 . But each letter has a different combination of three numbers and , capitalised , another set again . Unless you use them all , all the time , you couldn 't possibly remember them . But the Mac makes sense - it 's the option key and c for a cedilla , because you 're most likely to want one under a c and Alt + e for an acute accent , and so on . I wonder , if Macs hadn 't been there , whether PCs would be so easy to use now as they are ? Okay , to cheer us all up . . . When my mother came out of hospital , we felt quite cheerful - only a few days earlier she had been very close to death , but a stent and a couple of litres of blood had perked her up no end . She , my sister and I coped with it best with black humour and there were a lot of funeral and cancer jokes - though that was between the three of us ; when a quite close friend tried to join in the hilarity we felt it hit the wrong tone entirely . One day , the phone rang . Mummy was in bed and Wink and I were both sitting in the elegant but not very comfortable Edwardian armchairs in her bedroom . Mummy picked up the phone - it was evidently someone wanting to send her raffle tickets to sell for charity . She listened politely and then replied " I 'm afraid I 'll have to say no - I 'm rather ill and only just out of hospital " . " We 've got until December 17th before the draw takes place , " said the caller brightly . " Unfortunately , " said my mother fruitily , but with great kindness , " I may not have until December 17th myself . " Embarrassed apologies and goodbye and the phone went down . All three of us fell about laughing . We were still chuckling when the phone rang again a minute later . Mummy picked it up and said ' Hello . " A squawk of dismay and another apology from the horrified chugger , who had been so flustered that she 'd redialed . We nearly cried with laughter . For days later , one of us would recall it and snort again with mirth . As you may know , I only note good anniversaries on the whole , but the exception is today , it being the fifth anniversary of the death of my mother . She 'd lived with us , in a Granny annexe , for 15 years , though she didn 't much enjoy it - she felt that she 'd rather lost her identity , living in her son - in - law 's house , amongst other things , and she 'd not been well at all for several years . She had numerous tests , but it was not until she became acutely ill in the September that a secondary cancer was found in her pancreas and we were told that the longest she could hope to live was 6 months . She had a stent put in to keep the bile duct open and was given painkillers and sent home . This was fine , I could look after her and we accepted the situation . I 've sometimes wondered whether to write about it all , but I 'm not sure what I 'd be doing it for . But I will say this - those final six months were fabulous . She became remarkably well and even was able to drive again . I cooked all her food - she had to have a very low fat diet and had become rather faddy about food in the years when she had cancer somewhere in her digestive system , so was often ill after eating : she blamed the food rather than her body because so many tests had come up negative . I 'm adept at managing any type of diet as a result and never forget an allergy or preference . You want no gluten , no dairy , high protein , low GI , no nuts , fish or sugar , I 'm your girl and will incorporate it into a meal with none of the other diners being aware of it . Anyway , she was fine and , as the doctor had told us , she died quickly - she felt unwell on the Wednesday evening , was finally given a morphine pump on Saturday midday and died soon after midnight on Sunday morning . Quite a weekend , that , for another reason too - I 'll probably tell you about it some day . I could also tell you about her funeral , which was exceeded in complexity only by that of the Queen Mother . I don 't know if you 've noticed , but doctors like a neatness in their estimations . They 'll say " it might be three Posted by As ever , the Sage was marvellous . I left a request that the pork should be put in the oven at 11 and the potatoes at 12 . 30 . I finally arrived home at 1 o ' clock , to discover that the potatoes were coming on nicely , so were the parsnips ( which I hadn 't mentioned as I expected to be home somewhat earlier ) and that he had decided that the meat was cooked and had removed it from the oven . He was right . Lunch was on the table at 1 . 30 sharp ( I plan food to be ready on time , I can 't help it . Synchronised cooking is a habit too ingrained to break ) . We ate in the kitchen , as the dining room table is occupied at present . The kitchen table seats 6 and there were 9 of us , so a small mahogany table was brought in from the drawing room and Pugsley used a high chair so that we could all sit together . The loin of pork weighed 3 . 6 kilos at the start , but an hour later there was nothing left but bones , and great bowls of vegetables vanished too * . Pugsley unexpectedly discovered that carrots are delicious and ate a great deal of them . Everything got washed up or stacked in the dishwasher as it was finished with . Usually , I find a few dismally forgotten crocks on the dining table the next day . Several members of the family have birthdays in the next few weeks , so Squiffany and her mother had made and decorated a lemon cake , which we ate on Saturday . Come to think of it , the weekend rather revolved around food . A busy few weeks coming up . If I had any sense , I 'd concentrate on work and not blog until after Easter , at least . See you tomorrow , darlings . * The vegetables . The bowls were left . " Will you tidy up for my visits , when I 've left home ? " enquired Ro . " Probably , " I answered . He 'd noticed . El and Phil are visiting this weekend and the kitchen was looking markedly less clutterful . " Maybe you do it because of Phil " he mused " . . . but then you don 't bother for Dilly . Must be because it 's a special occasion . " I agreed . Once he 's moved out and it 's a treat for him to visit , then I 'll tidy . Right now , he adds to the clutter . He 's got a large bedroom , but somehow he needs to spread out a bit . I went into the spare bedroom to dust it this morning and found his clean washing spread out all over the bed , presumably so that it won 't get creased before he gets around to folding it . This is perfectly sensible and I don 't mind in the least , but it would be good if it had occurred to him to put it all away last night . I 'm just off to tidy the bedroom , I 've got half an hour before leaving for the station . It 's lovely when the family comes to stay . I left for the high school in adequate time , but I arrived a few minutes late - first I was stopped by a friend who had some papers for me . . . I said I 'd call back . . . and then I was held up by roadworks . The road was so narrow that there wasn 't room for me to go on the inside of the queue of cars . At one point , I did , but then would have delayed the car I 'd over ( or under ) taken . I looked back and a smiling lady was waiting , but I waved her on . I 'm not that cheeky . There was a written exercise this morning so the teacher , with exceptional trust , left me with the class for a few minutes while she went to do some printing for tonight 's performance of the school play ( which I saw last night and was superb ) . Of course , during that time the head called in and looked amused to see me in sole charge . He left me to it - another one who overestimates my power over 14 - year - olds . They were all behaving themselves at the time , mind you . A couple of lads are trying to push buttons , quite good - humouredly , but there 's no chance of me rising to the bait . They didn 't get a lot of work done , but most of the class did . The teacher says that they are the trickiest Year 9 class this year , but I must say that they are a good bunch . Some of them don 't have great attention spans , but there 's no malice and no bad behaviour apart from general mild exuberance . One lad , addressed by name , tried to convince me that his name was another one . . . sure , good try . I explained that there are some people whose names stick in the mind quite quickly . One girl , on the other hand , showed me her work at the end and asked if it was all right . It was neat , beautifully presented and had good content and I was impressed . Dilly had yet another hospital appointment - her MRI scan was inconclusive and the consultant was apologetic . A biopsy comes next . She 's fine - I 'll tell you about it when I know what 's what . I bought fish from the market and chatted to Matt , the fishmonger for a few minutes . I said I 'd forgotten it was Thursday , so was glad I 'd happened to come into town in time to see him - he usually starts to pack up about midday . I went and fetched fruit and veg from Al and then , as I packed it all in the panniers , he called again " Was it you who asked me for bloaters * a while ago ? " No , it wasn 't , but I 'd have some if he 'd got them , I replied . I love bloaters , they remind me of my Lowestoft childhood - although bloaters are most associated with Great Yarmouth . He took a pair and started to wrap them . I reached for my wallet . " No , that 's all right , have them on me . " He was adamant and I could only thank him . Next , I cycled up to the bike shop as my bicycle needed some adjustments . The back mudguard was catching the wheel slightly , as I had one heavy item to take home the other day and a weight in one pannier only must have shifted things a bit . The back wheel needed a tweak too . Matt in the cycle shop opened the door to me . I 'd expected to leave the bike while I went to my meeting , but he said he 'd see to it straight away . Ten minutes , and he was done , having also oiled the chain and pumped up the front tyre . He put the panniers back on . " Blimey , they 're heavy . " I explained that that was a normal day 's food shopping - we eat a lot of vegetables . . . " I took out my wallet - " No , that 's all right , no trouble " he said . " Are you sure , " I asked , feeling embarrassed , " it took you some while . " He wouldn 't take anything and , again , all I could do was say thank you . I trust their generosity doesn 't send them out of business , I 'd feel awfully guilty . * I suspect few of you young people have ever tasted a bloater . They are smoked herrings but , whilst kippers are split and gutted and smoked , bloaters are smoked whole , and the guts give them a more gamey flavour . I 'm sure my mother used to cook them whole too , but I take the innards out before I cook them . They are very bony , but delicious . Buckling are also smoked herring , but theyPosted by The Sage has just left to catch the 9 . 17 Diss to London train . It 's blowing a gale and I 've asked him to phone once he arrives at the station . I don 't think I 'll stop worrying until he arrives home this evening . I 'm staying put right here . He 's gone in my car and I can 't bike in this . I have no excuse at all not to catch up with all my work . I went to bed early last night , before 11 pm . You know the saying that each hour 's sleep before midnight is worth two after ? Well , it needs to be . Whenever I 'm foolish enough to have an early night , I 'm awake for ages in the small hours . Glad we moved the bed though - a howling wind from nearly 20 feet away is quite different from one right behind your head . It 's odder than I thought it would be , being on the ' wrong ' side of the room . I am , of course , on the same side of the bed , but it doesn 't feel like it . I 'll go and make breakfast now and read the papers . No need for an early start , is there ? The other thing that marked yesterday was a change in position for me , both literally and in my mind . Not that the Sage has any idea of the significance of this , because it 's not as if it * matters * - but there 's some symbolism in there somewhere . You see , for the past 33 years , I 've always slept on the side of the bed nearest the door . I can 't remember which side I slept before , because it didn 't matter , but from the time that we had a child sleeping in another room , I 've always been near enough to get out quickly in case of an emergency . It wasn 't always me who got up , by the way ; the Sage took his turn when illness struck ( a child wails and the first to wake rushes off to help ) but . . . . . well , I suppose I saw the night watch as my responsibility . I like moving the furniture around periodically . At one time , I used to do it frequently , and when the Sage worked full - time he never quite knew what he 'd come back to . I 'd edge a huge piece of furniture onto a bit of carpet to give me some purchase and heave it across the room , or into another room come to that ; preferring to do it by myself so that I could try it out and see if it worked and if not , put it back so that I wouldn 't be a nuisance by bothering someone else with my whims . So the bed wasn 't always on the same wall , and the same side wasn 't always to the door . But , right or left , that was ' my ' side , even when the children were grown up and gone . This time , on moving the bed , I casually asked " which side ? " and the Sage chose left , which is where he 'd been already , and so now he sleeps by the door . And I 've let go . No big deal , really . Just thought I 'd mention it . What I wrote yesterday , with your thoughtful comments , reminded me of something I 've been meaning to mention ; though it isn 't directly linked , merely a nudge to my mind . I want to be quite careful not to imply more than I mean to say . . . you see , although I don 't at all need looking after , and I wasn 't thinking or talking about me in that post , there are things I 've recently been finding it awkward to do . I can 't carry heavy things in front of me , for example . And it 's brought out a very protective and caring side in the Sage . I 've mentioned before that he 's quite a few years older than me , though bouncing with rude health as ever ; but I 've started to look after him a bit more over the last couple of years - I don 't let him up ladders too often but climb them myself , things like that . But now he 's started to look after me . He wouldn 't let me carry the hoover upstairs this morning , for example - or down again ( he let me use it , however ) and when there were drawers to remove and put back from a chest of , he insisted on doing them all himself . We were moving furniture at the time . He isn 't overprotective and doesn 't fuss - I 'd hate it and it isn 't his way - but I can see that it is quite bringing out the manly caring side , and it 's awfully sweet . You see why I don 't want to overstate this : in no sense am I suggesting that he ' likes ' having me a bit less capacitated than I used to be , only that he 's remembered how he likes to look after me , when we 'd got a bit more used to me looking after him . Anyway , the furniture moving . Our bedroom is a bit of a nuisance . On one wall , there is the door to the attic , the door to the cupboard staircase ( Tudor house , used to have 8 or 9 of them ) , the fireplace ( boarded over - removable board because birds fall down the chimney sometimes ) and what was a large cupboard , now a shower cubicle which , between them , take up the whole wall . The two walls at right angles to that have a window in each , one has a large built - in wardrobe and the other has the door opening onto it ; both have the uprigPosted by I cycled past a friend , who was walking her dog , and we waved to each other . Several years ago , her husband , who was then in his mid - sixties , had a severe stroke and she looked after him for several years before he had to be admitted into permanent residential care . She still visits him frequently , but has had to rebuild her life . It can 't be easy , can it ? He wasn 't an easy person even before he was ill , but afterwards it was hard for an independent and proud man to accept constant help and support , even from his nearest and dearest . When he first came home from hospital , she was offered help by social services , but she was so pleased to have him home and was optimistic , and turned it down . As life became more of a grind , she wished she hadn 't - it can be more difficult to get help when there isn 't an apparent increased need . He 'd lost the use of one arm and was given physiotherapy and exercises to do , but he didn 't like them . She told me that , once , he succeeded in moving his arm , but said it had hurt and he wouldn 't try again ; but the best chance of regaining movement is in the first year and if it 's left too long a permanent disability remains . It 's hard to understand why he would rather bear that than go through temporary pain , but it can be easier to criticise than to comprehend . Eventually , as I said , she couldn 't cope physically and he has settled down into nursing care . And I 've always wondered how she felt as time went on - is relief tinged or even blighted by guilt ? It shouldn 't be ; she had done absolutely all she could and still cares for him as much as ever . But friends whose spouses or parents have died after a long illness have found the same thing : that having your life back isn 't as simple as it sounds . It can be difficult to learn to enjoy yourself again . I found a message on the answerphone when I got home at about 4 . 30 , giving me the hymns for tomorrow . Now , I 'd only been out for an hour - that 's a bit late to give the organist the hymn numbers , but I 'm easy - going and I don 't really mind . I 'm interested to see , however , that I don 't know any of them . It was too late for me to feel willing to go down to the church and practise , and my piano is still away being repaired * I looked at the music a little while ago and all except the last look quite playable at sight , so I 'll go with it . However , if I don 't know them , neither will most of the congregation . Should be fun , I 'm quite happy . I was chatting to the assistant whom Al has engaged for alternative Saturday afternoons - I hope he will offer him more hours before long , because he is a Good Lad . When I told him I 'm a governor at his school he said , with a measure of enthusiasm , " Cool ! " He has put his name down for the BTech in Construction at the . . . oh sorry , I fear the Power of Google , so I won 't say the name . . . it 's a purpose - built establishment , offering courses in Construction , Engineering , Motor Mechanics , Hairdressing and Catering ; all 2 - year courses which , successfully completed , equate to 2 GCSEs and it 's run by Lowestoft college for students from Yagnub and Selcceb . We talked about bricklaying , and I admitted an interest in several of the courses , having been shown round the centre . I can cook and I don 't want to hairdress , but the others interest me vastly . I 'd love to have a go . * actually , I suspect it still hasn 't been touched , but there is still 10 months to go before the Wrath of Z is engaged . I realised that I needed to alter the timeclock so that the church heating would come on early on Sunday , for the monthly 8am service , so I cycled into Yagnub for the key to the church rooms ( another story , won 't digress ) . I discovered that the heating was on , and was told that the Youth Group had something on in the church later . At about half - past nine , I got twitchy . I had an uncharacteristically unlazy urge to go and check that the heating had been turned off again , so pedalled off to check . It was embarrassing that the Fellow and his lovely wife hadn 't left yet , and I had to own up that I was checking up on them . They laughed at me , which was entirely deserved , and the Fellow wondered if he should have told me about the event . Of course not , I reassured , and then remembered to mention that someone was coming in to check the sound system the next day , so I 'd removed the microphones from the safe and left them in the locked vestry ( that was the reason for the Lending of the Keys ) . " Ah , " he said in a ' that explains it ' voice . " You put them back " He had . He went to get them out again . Lovely wife noted that we are , as churchwardens , two of a kind . I suggested that our control freakery is increasing to the extent that we may never let anyone take over from us . I can 't remember why I mentioned to him that he is , for blogging purposes , known as the Fellow , but he looked slightly startled . Later , I emailed to explain that I don 't talk about him much , and quoted what I 'd previously said ( nothing personal and always complimentary ) . In other news , Al 's brief slot on Radio Broadland * went well and was noticed , it seemed , because he has been asked to appear again next Monday , and has been promoted from 7 . 30am to the afternoon show . I trust the publicity will not go to his head . * Link for Dave , who CBATG . The hot news for tomorrow morning is that Al will be on Radio Broadland around 7 . 30 , when he will take part in the quiz on Rob ' n ' Chrissie 's show , ' Over , Under , Or . ' Apparently , they will ask how many plastic bags Al has saved in the six weeks he has been plastic bag free . He keeps a tally , it seems , and knows . So the question will be asked and his interview will give the answer . This splendid show , which I 've not had the pleasure of listening to yet , because I 'm a Radio 4 girl at heart , is available live on the internet , so you can all listen to him , darlings ; assuming you have read this before 7 . 30 am GMT on Friday . Otherwise , I 've been mightily annoyed by the vicissitudes of life , mainly technology , but it 's all sorted now and I have mellowed nicely . My iPod , which seemed for a while to be terminally buggered , is working again and I have finally persuaded the camera and the computer to live together in harmony . A large pine tree , which we were rather worried might fall on the house , has been felled and had a large crack vertically through the trunk , so we 're mighty pleased that we learned from the near - disaster of one barely missing Al & family 's house last winter and cut this down in time . Dilly is taking on the chin the news that she has carpel tunnel syndrome in her right arm , although it wasn 't actually what she was being tested for - a sort of bonus , really , you might say . I have done no work today . Nothing . And then I needed to find something , so went through the pile on my desk - I found it , but now have lost everything else . The chronological integrity of the pile has been disturbed and all sense of structure has gone . This means that I 'll have to tidy it all properly tomorrow . The good news is that I 've finally got around to putting photos onto the computer that have been hanging around since October , so I 'll finally see my Loire holiday pictures . I went off to the Year 9 Options evening at the high school , which helps to inform the choices of the unfortunate children who have to decide what GCSEs they wish to take . They have to take certain subjects but can choose the rest , within limits ; that is , not all combinations of subjects are available because there are 1000 pupils in the school and timetabling is complicated , but every effort is made to be helpful . I can 't say anything about Ofsted , because I 'm not allowed to , sorry . I did make the Head sit down and eat a sandwich though , which was probably the first thing he 'd eaten all day . I didn 't watch him eat it , though I threatened to , but I hung round near his office for a good five minutes afterwards and he didn 't come out , so I 'm reasonably sure he had something to eat . I know what it 's like , he 'd gone way past hungry , but I explained that I expect him to be back at work within 12 hours and that he should be fit for it . I normally would go down the motherly route , but he 's hardly younger than I am , it isn 't appropriate ; nor is flirtatious ( unprofessional ) , so I was simply bossy . I mean assertive . The children , whom I babysat most of the day , were adorable as ever , although Squiffany was annoyed when I wouldn 't let her watch a DVD at 10 am . She is good at self - control and wasn 't rude or tearful , but stomped off to her bedroom where I heard her muttering to herself crossly . I went through after a few minutes suggesting a walk to the playground with Tilly , and she was pleased with that . . . later , I suggested that there was a half - hoPosted by My meeting this morning took place on the further side of Norwich , so the host gave us lunch afterwards to restore us before our journeys home . Therefore , it was getting on for four o ' clock by the time I rolled home , where I was greeted by the Sage saying " tea ? " Fine man , the Sage . Tilly politely wagged her tail , also saying " tea ? " but she was hoping for a meal . I sat down to peer at emails , one of which asked if I 'd be free tomorrow evening instead of a night in the wilds of April . . . it 'll get it out of the way , I suppose ; it 's governor duty . My mind was still full of the business to be done as a follow - up to this morning - but the Sage was waving sheaves of paper . On one was the hand - written catalogue which needed to be typed up quam celerrime and on the other was a message from M , the chairman of governors , asking for some information from a meeting in November . M rang back . I was able to find the notes and email them to her , and we talked through the meetings , remembering more specific details as we went . There 's going to be an Ofsted inspection tomorrow , you see . Just a quickie ; one day , with specific areas they are targeting . Fortunately , one of them , which is a new requirement ( A Community Cohesion policy ) just so headteachers and governors have plenty of work to do , we had not only talked about but put it on record as a target for the year , with success criteria and monitoring arrangements and everything . Hah . I 've typed the catalogue , but it 's still to be proofread - and then there will be the condition report and all the photos . Ro will update the website ; I 'll let you know when it 's ready . Babyminding tomorrow , as Dilly has a hospital appointment . I could get up early and catch up with the rest of the work , I suppose . Not very likely , however . Three - legged Cat has written a post which brought back memories of my younger son , Ro , when he was a baby . He grew up to be relaxed and good - humoured , but he was certainly the least happy of all my children at the start . He seemed to both want and reject me at the same time ; he woke frequently at night and appeared to be generally frustrated by life . When he was ten months ( or whatever age children are when this happens ) old , he learned his first word . Unsurprisingly , it wasn 't ' mama ' . It was ' dah ' . This proved to be vastly useful - it meant ' water ' . There are few more useful words than water . When thirsty , he could ask for ' dah ' . When it was raining , he could point at the window and comment knowledgeably on the weather . We lived by the sea , and he could remark on the scenery . He was , at last , able to communicate and he loved it . He was also able to talk to his father by name , because if you can say ' dah ' you can say ' dada ' . Things improved further as time went on and he became more independent . We bought him a slide , which he enjoyed , but the matching swing wasn 't so popular - he had to be lifted into it and then be swung . We moved house the day before his second birthday : the friends who bought our house had a little girl of about the same age and she loved the swing , so we gave it to her as a housewarming present . He hated the car seat and screamed every time he was put in it - car journeys were miserable times . When he was three , he developed severe car sickness , so I suspect this was a major part of his distress . What still seems remarkable to me was the change in his nature as he grew older . When he was born , and in view of the 8 - year age gap between him and his older brother , we were thinking in terms of having a fourth child . But when he was a month old , I looked at the Sage and said " we won 't be having another , will we ? " Thank goodness for a doting elder brother and sister , who took a good deal of the strain off me - they became thoroughly neglected themselves , as there was only so much time and emotional ePosted by Al and Dilly decided to go to a car boot sale today ; indeed , they were going to have a stall themselves . They asked if we could look after the children ; fine , I said , I 'm not playing the organ so I 'll take them to church . Um , we 'll have to make an early start , added Al . Fine . I set the alarm for 6am and was walking up their garden path at half - past . The children were sweet . I always get to the church an hour before the service as there 's a lot to do - today , I was helping with coffee and responsible for the Mothering Sunday flowers , as well as the usual things that crop up , and Squiffany and Pugsley were amazingly good - humoured as I bustled about . They started to suggest it was about time to go home at about the time the service was starting , but were still cheerful when I explained . During the service , they cheerily proffered hands to shake and Pugsley clapped at the end of each hymn , and they helped hand out the bunches of flowers to everyone , including men . On the way home , Squiffany fell over and cried first for Mummy and then for Daddy , but she was brave and allowed herself to be comforted ; I carried her the rest of the way . We decided that a good bounce on my bed would cheer her up , and talked about endorphins . . . she knows quite a lot about ' dorphins because she 's watched Finding Nemo . Ro cooked lunch , and excellent it was . Roast chicken , which was perfect and moist and herby , sausages , roast potatoes , sweet potatoes cooked with shallots and cumin , carrots and broccoli ; and rhubarb crumble and custard to follow . He cooked the rhubarb in orange juice and a very little sugar . Squiffany and her mother had made cakes to eat with coffee . I slept for over an hour in the afternoon . The Sage is entirely adorable , and never more so than when he 's screwed things up . He paid his car insurance , and a couple of weeks later , realised that his car tax was due and his insurance certificate had not arrived . He phoned , and was told that a replacement would be sent out at once , but it still hadn 't got here yesterday . " Never mind , " I said , " I 'll pay for it online ; the DVLC are notified by the insurance company and you don 't have to produce the document . " The trouble was , he also hadn 't had a reminder for his car tax ( what is it with the postal service ? ) and so he didn 't have the reference number . " what about the log book then , that 'll do ? " He searched . He couldn 't find it . He tried to ring them , but the line was constantly engaged ( no queue , just an engaged signal ) from 4 pm yesterday and we concluded that the weekend had started early . I tried to think where the registration document might be . " Where 's the MOT certificate ? " I asked . He tapped his pocket . " Okay , where was it before you put it in your pocket ? " He looked boyish . " I couldn 't find it , I got a replacement from the garage . " Today , the replacement insurance certificate arrived , but the logbook still is nowhere to be found . He went to get an application form for a replacent . . . which will cost £ 25 . We 're working on the catalogue for the next sale . There are a few pieces from one seller which didn 't go in the last sale , which are being re - entered this time . The Sage was worried . Three saucers , but no matching teabowls . And two cream jugs were missing . He was still fretting about it when we went to bed . " Look , " I said . " We didn 't leave them behind in the saleroom and the owner didn 't take them away " ( he 'd phoned to check ) . " So they 're here . You just put them in a different box . " " But there was plenty of room in that box , so why weren 't they together ? " " When you find them , you 'll remember why you packed them separately . They aren 't lost . You are careful and you would never lose a piece of china that belonged to someone else . " This morning , of course , Posted by Oh , what 's the problem ? This is hardly Great Literature . I 'd appreciate anything taken from here being acknowledged , and I might change my mind if I 'm suddenly proclaimed as the Literary Queen of the Blogosphere - but I probably wouldn 't . Do what you like , just as long as it doesn 't extend to defamation of anyone , even me . Actually , you want to pass off what I say as your own , I might even be flattered . Let 's face it , who cares anyway ? |
So , tomorrow we 're off to London to have a preview of a sale coming up in a few weeks - hang on , link alert . . . ... . . . here . Start at Lot 210 , because we will , although if you could do with some porcelain asparagus servers , check out the earlier lots as there are some splendid examples there . We are taking a friend and whizzing up there and back , spending a mere 4 hours in the Metropolis . Were it all down to me , I 'd make a leisurely day of it and visit art galleries and meet chums , but the Sage and our friend are purposeful and so I obey , with good cheer and a willing heart , as ever . What a lovely day today . I biked into town wearing , on top of normal attire of course , a light jacket and no gloves at all , for the first time since I started this exercise and healthy living nonsense ( no , I 'm no better for it : a little fitter and thinner , but still the same Z , you will be relieved to know ) . I seem to have committed myself to go to a meeting in Liverpool in May . I should have booked a hotel room several months ago , like everyone else . I 'll end up in some dive in a back street . Is Liverpool safe for a small and unfeisty ( that 's how I look , honestly ) woman like me ? A week ago , we were in winter . Today , it was a warm and sunny spring day . Whatever one thinks about English weather , it is always interesting . Of course , today the clocks changed to British Summer Time - an hour lost , but in all other respects , all to the good . If I support the cause of Scottish Independence , which I do ( only I call it English Independence ) , then one of the reasons is that then each country would be able to make a decision regarding the bi - annual changing of the clocks according to its own interests . Gardened in the afternoon , and am paying for it with a very uncomfortable hip this evening , and then cooked . The Sage dug up some leeks , which are still lovely , although they will all need to be eaten before they become woody in the centre , and we had some this evening with the roast chicken ( freerange , from Sutton Hoo ) , roast potatoes and cauliflower ( which , like the potatoes , was grown 6 miles away ) . I have made soup with the rest of the leeks , and a Bolognese sauce with the beef I bought on Saturday . Since I 'm expecting a busy week , I am feeling awfully smug at the thought of all the meals I 've prepared ahead . Though tomorrow , the meat will be stripped from the chicken and the bones will make stock for more soup . A frugal soul I am , and we eat the better for it . Having said that , the garden is getting away from me badly . I just can 't do the digging any more , nor can I even carry anything heavy - fine if it 's bags by my side , but I can 't carry anything much ahead of me in my arms . Most frustrating , as I am perfectly well and strong . We know how we 'd like to solve the garden problem , but it 's a pipe dream at present and not to be resolved yet . I 'll just have to teach Squiffany and Pugsley how to garden . Pugsley is good at filling seed trays with compost , and Squiffany is reasonably adept at sowing seeds in them , but I think they need a rake , a hoe and lessons in telling weeds from vegetable seedlings . The Sage was in London today so I had to amuse myself . Happily , he arrived home before 5 and has amused me ever since . I watched the Boat Race . The Sage supports Cambridge and I support Oxford . We are both highly partisan , but extremely polite and so have to pretend not to be interested at all . Cambridge were on the side of the river that should have ensured they won , but they didn 't . I casually told the Sage , giving The Other Place ( my father would actually not mention its name and I never visited Cambridge in his lifetime ) full credit for a valiant attempt . When I was a child , a bottle of champagne was placed in the fridge on Boat Race day and fetched out in time for the race - but if Cambridge won , it was silently put away again . Since Oxford rarely won in the ' 60s , the champagne mostly lived to sparkle another day . Dilly was out today , so I looked after the children , who behaved impeccably . We played in their house and mine , they bounced on my bed , played hide and seek with two duck - shaped pencil sharpeners and a small wooden Indian elephant , had lunch and , in Pugsley 's case , a nap and played with Playdough for an hour until Dilly came home . Then she and I wanted to talk , so Squiffany became noisy and boisterous , as she was no longer centre of attention . It wasn 't that she was receiving none at all - we were talking to her too and joining in their games , but our minds were drifting away from babyness and she didn 't appreciate it . The catalogue of an auction in London arrived today , so the Sage has been engrossed in it most of the day . We 're going to have a look at the china next week - not the official viewing days for a few more weeks , but if you ask nicely , they 'll put it on show for you . Three of us are going together , so it 'll be worth their effort - it 's certainly something we do for clients . Not much else - horrible weather and I stayed home . I haven 't sown any seeds in the garden yet - vegetables will be late this year . No point in doing so when the weather is so cold and I am not too bothered about it . Now that August is a fairly exciting month in this family ( two weddings in three years and , this year , a baby to come ) , I have more to do than water greenhouses and pick the crops and I 'll do what I can and not worry about the rest . The kitchen garden is designed to be neglected once in a while without becoming unmanageable . Friends of ours called in this evening to look at the china for the next auction . She has severe rheumatoid arthritis and can 't get about easily , although she is younger than me , so it is helpful for her not to have to rely on being well enough to come to the sale . The first time they came , they had never handled a piece of L ' stoft before , so I sat them down and took them everything , a piece or two at a time . The best way to learn about china is to handle it and look at it , and now they know a great deal . " The Sage says that you had a bad fall ? " I said sympathetically . She started to tell me about it " . . . of course , this was while we were still living away as our house was being repaired . . . " " whoa , I don 't know about this , " I interrupted . Now , if you or I ever complain about a run of bad luck , compare with this before feeling hard - done - by . In November , cracks appeared in the walls - in one bedroom , the ceiling and the wall parted company , so that the roof was not really being held up by anything at all . Subsidence was blamed and the insurance company sent the builders in . Our friends thought the large willow tree on the other side of the road , on council - owned land , might be to blame , but the insurance company reckoned it was the shrubs , dwarf conifers and escallonia , euonymous and that sort of thing , none above 8 ' high , in the garden and required them all to be removed . While the work was being done and pile - drivers were being used , the vibrations made a ceiling fall down . At the time that the house was built , Artex ceilings contained asbestos , so they were told they would have to vacate the property until the work was finished . They had to have their furniture put in store and move out . A water pipe was also cracked by the vibration , so the parquet floor was also damaged . They moved into a house by the river near Norwich . They have stayed there before , the Christmas before last , and like it very much and were able to book it for three months . Unfortunately , within a few days A , the husband , slipped as he came out of Posted by She really can make me do anything , can my little dog . She decided it was dinner time , some three hours early . She doesn 't bother me , she never whines nor paws me . She looks at me and wags her tail , and if I tell her to go away , she goes . On this occasion , I held out for half an hour . I obeyed in the end , though . Maybe , later , she 'll let me come on the sofa with her for a cuddle . I know that there 's not a blogger in the world who doesn 't , or at any rate hasn 't read Dooce . And I wonder all the more why Tilly wore a hole in the carpet in one corner a couple of years ago , when there really was nothing there . When she stared at a cupboard , we cleared it out until a mouse ran out , which Tilly managed to miss . No , I don 't know where it went . But the innocent corner ? . . . anyway , we don 't ignore our dog when she 's trying to tell us something , but it 's never likely to be a raccoon living in our chimney . The church treasurer has been round with forms for me to sign , to change standing orders to pay the church administrator and cleaner . Both of them , part - time workers ( one with another part - time job too ) will receive less money in future , although they received a cost - of - living wage increase in January . You remember last year 's Budget , the last that Mr Brown prepared ? At the end , he announced that the base rate of tax would go down from 22 % to 20 % , quite wrong - footing the Leader of the Opposition who had to give an instant critical reply - and wrong - footing the Leader of the Opposition is an absolutely appropriate thing for the Chancellor to do . But not , I think , by leaving out an important fact , which I read about in the paper the next day . The 10 % tax rate for lower - paid workers was being eliminated and , as soon as they had enough to pay tax at all , they would pay 20 % like the rest of those of us who are on basic rate . This means that , from this April , people earning enough to pay tax but less than £ 15 , 000 per annum will pay more . Helping people out of the poverty trap ? I don 't think so . * Denis Healey denies , by the way , saying " Squeezing the rich until the pips squeak " , but says that Lloyd George said it back in the 1920s . However , I suspect it will remain indelibly associated with him . It was a beautiful sunny morning but there had been , unexpectedly , a snowfall in the night . I trotted out soon after 8 o ' clock to take a picture , and it was already starting to drip from the trees . A few minutes later , Al 's front door opened and he came out with the children and they started to build a snowman together . Dilly had gone to spend the night with her sister as they had something on this morning and she didn 't want to make an early start in the frost . There are better photos , but they show the children 's faces , and Al 's , and I don 't think he would like me to post them . I am tantalising you with a glimpse of the mysterious and wonderful Sage . ___________________________ My sister and I were grumbling about increased costs this morning and agreeing that we were both thinking before we spent money . A couple of years ago , for instance , when I first bought my present car , it cost £ 40 to fill it . Last autumn , it crept above £ 50 . Now , it costs £ 60 . Then I read this in the paper . And we shut up and wiped our eyes . She 's at work tomorrow , so she left for Wiltshire after breakfast . It 's been duller without her . . . Today , I 've been flower arranging , babysitting , cooking , eating , drinking , playing games and chatting . Not much time for writing . I haven 't even read the papers . I have , however , already prepared the vegetables for tomorrow 's lunch , so I 'm feeling quite good - housekeeperish . Numerous annoyances of the smaller sort in the past few days , so best to shut up now before I start to whinge about them all . Happy Easter , darlingsxx Z . . . of the Last Supper that I 'll ever read , I should think . From The Times television pages - Jesus enjoys a final meal with His Disciples before being betrayed by Judas . Enjoys a final meal ? Sounds more like a stag night than anything I 've ever read in the Gospels . Our little girl is 3 today . Last night , she helped Al and Dilly wrap a couple of presents for Pugsley , so that he would not feel left out ( and not try to help open hers ) . This morning , she was up bright and early at her parents ' bedside , wanting to give them to him . They went into the sitting room . She was chattering happily " Look , Pugsley , here are some presents for you because it 's my birthday , come on and open them . " " What about your presents , Squiffany ? " said her father . She looked around . A chair was adorned with balloons and piled with parcels . " What 's that ? Has Father Christmas come ? " It had slipped her mind that you receive rather than give presents for your birthday . She soon adjusted to the idea though , and started unwrapping . " Oh ! That 's lovely ! It 's just what I 've always wanted - is it a game , Mummy ? " Everything she opened was ' just what she 'd always wanted ' . She 's having a succession of small parties - one at toddler group this morning , another in the early afternoon and a third later on , when another friend is home from school . We 're going at about 3 o ' clock , when I get home from lunch . I decided to buy art & craft - y things and some books . I went to both the toy and the art department of the only large family - owned department store left in the centre of Norwich . Everything aimed at small children was emblazoned " No Mess ! " , being designed to offer as little creativity and fun as possible . I put together some glittery paint , coloured paper and card , coloured pipe cleaners , tissue and crepe papers , some templates , pens and coloured pencils , playdough with cutters , glitter , confetti , cotton wool balls , a sponge and some brightly coloured brushes , wooden lolly sticks , a book on craft ideas ( aimed at a rather older child , but there just wasn 't anything and her mother can simplify it ) , a couple of story books and a cook book and have wrapped them all in bright paper with no sticky tape ( so she can reuse it ) and arranged them in a box . A little book ( The Owl and the Pussycat ) and some coloured pencils and a coloPosted by I 've been losing things again . I thought I was all set for this afternoon 's meeting , until I looked for the paperwork , which the chairman had gone through with me thoroughly last Thursday . It could only have been in one of three rooms , but I couldn 't find it . I quickly eliminated the drawing room , because it was quite tidy and anything out of place would have been obvious . The kitchen was also tidy by my standards , so a search didn 't take long . The study took longer . Ages . I 'd been going through some papers over the weekend , so the usual vertical structure had been disturbed - and then , when I was printing out the address labels for our auction catalogue , with one page to go the printer decided it had run out of ink ( my old printer was polite enough to squeeze out just enough ink , but this one is a beast , although it 's the same make ) and I had to take a tottering pile of * stuff I need * off it to open it up . Eventually , I gave up and went and searched all the places I 'd already looked and then , as a last resort , looked at the place the Sage keeps Stuff in the kitchen , and there it was . At the meeting , amongst other matters , we discussed the recent Ofsted inspection - the result is officially out today , although it 's the last day of term , so the pupils and parents haven 't heard it yet . At a later stage in the meeting , I mentioned the recent school production of Jesus Christ , Superstar , which was superbly done . The Head said that he 'd firmly led the inspector in to a rehearsal - " just for five minutes " he told his colleagues . Forty - five minutes later , they sent for him . He declared it " Outstanding . " " You can tell he works for Ofsted , " mused a governor . " Anyone else would have said ' Great , superb ' " . " I expect he says that to his wife , too , " I added " when she serves a particularly delicious meal " . The Head looked a bit alarmed . " I wondered what you were going to say then " . I can 't deny it , the first thought that had come into my mind was a touch less suitable for a governors ' meeting . However , as ever I went on the attaPosted by Dilly emailed me last night to ask how to put the dots on my name . I replied that , on a Mac , it 's alt + u , then the letter - e for a diaeresis or u for an umlaut , but I didn 't know for a PC . I googled to find out . For a ë , one way of doing it is Alt + 137 . But each letter has a different combination of three numbers and , capitalised , another set again . Unless you use them all , all the time , you couldn 't possibly remember them . But the Mac makes sense - it 's the option key and c for a cedilla , because you 're most likely to want one under a c and Alt + e for an acute accent , and so on . I wonder , if Macs hadn 't been there , whether PCs would be so easy to use now as they are ? Okay , to cheer us all up . . . When my mother came out of hospital , we felt quite cheerful - only a few days earlier she had been very close to death , but a stent and a couple of litres of blood had perked her up no end . She , my sister and I coped with it best with black humour and there were a lot of funeral and cancer jokes - though that was between the three of us ; when a quite close friend tried to join in the hilarity we felt it hit the wrong tone entirely . One day , the phone rang . Mummy was in bed and Wink and I were both sitting in the elegant but not very comfortable Edwardian armchairs in her bedroom . Mummy picked up the phone - it was evidently someone wanting to send her raffle tickets to sell for charity . She listened politely and then replied " I 'm afraid I 'll have to say no - I 'm rather ill and only just out of hospital " . " We 've got until December 17th before the draw takes place , " said the caller brightly . " Unfortunately , " said my mother fruitily , but with great kindness , " I may not have until December 17th myself . " Embarrassed apologies and goodbye and the phone went down . All three of us fell about laughing . We were still chuckling when the phone rang again a minute later . Mummy picked it up and said ' Hello . " A squawk of dismay and another apology from the horrified chugger , who had been so flustered that she 'd redialed . We nearly cried with laughter . For days later , one of us would recall it and snort again with mirth . As you may know , I only note good anniversaries on the whole , but the exception is today , it being the fifth anniversary of the death of my mother . She 'd lived with us , in a Granny annexe , for 15 years , though she didn 't much enjoy it - she felt that she 'd rather lost her identity , living in her son - in - law 's house , amongst other things , and she 'd not been well at all for several years . She had numerous tests , but it was not until she became acutely ill in the September that a secondary cancer was found in her pancreas and we were told that the longest she could hope to live was 6 months . She had a stent put in to keep the bile duct open and was given painkillers and sent home . This was fine , I could look after her and we accepted the situation . I 've sometimes wondered whether to write about it all , but I 'm not sure what I 'd be doing it for . But I will say this - those final six months were fabulous . She became remarkably well and even was able to drive again . I cooked all her food - she had to have a very low fat diet and had become rather faddy about food in the years when she had cancer somewhere in her digestive system , so was often ill after eating : she blamed the food rather than her body because so many tests had come up negative . I 'm adept at managing any type of diet as a result and never forget an allergy or preference . You want no gluten , no dairy , high protein , low GI , no nuts , fish or sugar , I 'm your girl and will incorporate it into a meal with none of the other diners being aware of it . Anyway , she was fine and , as the doctor had told us , she died quickly - she felt unwell on the Wednesday evening , was finally given a morphine pump on Saturday midday and died soon after midnight on Sunday morning . Quite a weekend , that , for another reason too - I 'll probably tell you about it some day . I could also tell you about her funeral , which was exceeded in complexity only by that of the Queen Mother . I don 't know if you 've noticed , but doctors like a neatness in their estimations . They 'll say " it might be three Posted by As ever , the Sage was marvellous . I left a request that the pork should be put in the oven at 11 and the potatoes at 12 . 30 . I finally arrived home at 1 o ' clock , to discover that the potatoes were coming on nicely , so were the parsnips ( which I hadn 't mentioned as I expected to be home somewhat earlier ) and that he had decided that the meat was cooked and had removed it from the oven . He was right . Lunch was on the table at 1 . 30 sharp ( I plan food to be ready on time , I can 't help it . Synchronised cooking is a habit too ingrained to break ) . We ate in the kitchen , as the dining room table is occupied at present . The kitchen table seats 6 and there were 9 of us , so a small mahogany table was brought in from the drawing room and Pugsley used a high chair so that we could all sit together . The loin of pork weighed 3 . 6 kilos at the start , but an hour later there was nothing left but bones , and great bowls of vegetables vanished too * . Pugsley unexpectedly discovered that carrots are delicious and ate a great deal of them . Everything got washed up or stacked in the dishwasher as it was finished with . Usually , I find a few dismally forgotten crocks on the dining table the next day . Several members of the family have birthdays in the next few weeks , so Squiffany and her mother had made and decorated a lemon cake , which we ate on Saturday . Come to think of it , the weekend rather revolved around food . A busy few weeks coming up . If I had any sense , I 'd concentrate on work and not blog until after Easter , at least . See you tomorrow , darlings . * The vegetables . The bowls were left . " Will you tidy up for my visits , when I 've left home ? " enquired Ro . " Probably , " I answered . He 'd noticed . El and Phil are visiting this weekend and the kitchen was looking markedly less clutterful . " Maybe you do it because of Phil " he mused " . . . but then you don 't bother for Dilly . Must be because it 's a special occasion . " I agreed . Once he 's moved out and it 's a treat for him to visit , then I 'll tidy . Right now , he adds to the clutter . He 's got a large bedroom , but somehow he needs to spread out a bit . I went into the spare bedroom to dust it this morning and found his clean washing spread out all over the bed , presumably so that it won 't get creased before he gets around to folding it . This is perfectly sensible and I don 't mind in the least , but it would be good if it had occurred to him to put it all away last night . I 'm just off to tidy the bedroom , I 've got half an hour before leaving for the station . It 's lovely when the family comes to stay . I left for the high school in adequate time , but I arrived a few minutes late - first I was stopped by a friend who had some papers for me . . . I said I 'd call back . . . and then I was held up by roadworks . The road was so narrow that there wasn 't room for me to go on the inside of the queue of cars . At one point , I did , but then would have delayed the car I 'd over ( or under ) taken . I looked back and a smiling lady was waiting , but I waved her on . I 'm not that cheeky . There was a written exercise this morning so the teacher , with exceptional trust , left me with the class for a few minutes while she went to do some printing for tonight 's performance of the school play ( which I saw last night and was superb ) . Of course , during that time the head called in and looked amused to see me in sole charge . He left me to it - another one who overestimates my power over 14 - year - olds . They were all behaving themselves at the time , mind you . A couple of lads are trying to push buttons , quite good - humouredly , but there 's no chance of me rising to the bait . They didn 't get a lot of work done , but most of the class did . The teacher says that they are the trickiest Year 9 class this year , but I must say that they are a good bunch . Some of them don 't have great attention spans , but there 's no malice and no bad behaviour apart from general mild exuberance . One lad , addressed by name , tried to convince me that his name was another one . . . sure , good try . I explained that there are some people whose names stick in the mind quite quickly . One girl , on the other hand , showed me her work at the end and asked if it was all right . It was neat , beautifully presented and had good content and I was impressed . Dilly had yet another hospital appointment - her MRI scan was inconclusive and the consultant was apologetic . A biopsy comes next . She 's fine - I 'll tell you about it when I know what 's what . I bought fish from the market and chatted to Matt , the fishmonger for a few minutes . I said I 'd forgotten it was Thursday , so was glad I 'd happened to come into town in time to see him - he usually starts to pack up about midday . I went and fetched fruit and veg from Al and then , as I packed it all in the panniers , he called again " Was it you who asked me for bloaters * a while ago ? " No , it wasn 't , but I 'd have some if he 'd got them , I replied . I love bloaters , they remind me of my Lowestoft childhood - although bloaters are most associated with Great Yarmouth . He took a pair and started to wrap them . I reached for my wallet . " No , that 's all right , have them on me . " He was adamant and I could only thank him . Next , I cycled up to the bike shop as my bicycle needed some adjustments . The back mudguard was catching the wheel slightly , as I had one heavy item to take home the other day and a weight in one pannier only must have shifted things a bit . The back wheel needed a tweak too . Matt in the cycle shop opened the door to me . I 'd expected to leave the bike while I went to my meeting , but he said he 'd see to it straight away . Ten minutes , and he was done , having also oiled the chain and pumped up the front tyre . He put the panniers back on . " Blimey , they 're heavy . " I explained that that was a normal day 's food shopping - we eat a lot of vegetables . . . " I took out my wallet - " No , that 's all right , no trouble " he said . " Are you sure , " I asked , feeling embarrassed , " it took you some while . " He wouldn 't take anything and , again , all I could do was say thank you . I trust their generosity doesn 't send them out of business , I 'd feel awfully guilty . * I suspect few of you young people have ever tasted a bloater . They are smoked herrings but , whilst kippers are split and gutted and smoked , bloaters are smoked whole , and the guts give them a more gamey flavour . I 'm sure my mother used to cook them whole too , but I take the innards out before I cook them . They are very bony , but delicious . Buckling are also smoked herring , but theyPosted by The Sage has just left to catch the 9 . 17 Diss to London train . It 's blowing a gale and I 've asked him to phone once he arrives at the station . I don 't think I 'll stop worrying until he arrives home this evening . I 'm staying put right here . He 's gone in my car and I can 't bike in this . I have no excuse at all not to catch up with all my work . I went to bed early last night , before 11 pm . You know the saying that each hour 's sleep before midnight is worth two after ? Well , it needs to be . Whenever I 'm foolish enough to have an early night , I 'm awake for ages in the small hours . Glad we moved the bed though - a howling wind from nearly 20 feet away is quite different from one right behind your head . It 's odder than I thought it would be , being on the ' wrong ' side of the room . I am , of course , on the same side of the bed , but it doesn 't feel like it . I 'll go and make breakfast now and read the papers . No need for an early start , is there ? The other thing that marked yesterday was a change in position for me , both literally and in my mind . Not that the Sage has any idea of the significance of this , because it 's not as if it * matters * - but there 's some symbolism in there somewhere . You see , for the past 33 years , I 've always slept on the side of the bed nearest the door . I can 't remember which side I slept before , because it didn 't matter , but from the time that we had a child sleeping in another room , I 've always been near enough to get out quickly in case of an emergency . It wasn 't always me who got up , by the way ; the Sage took his turn when illness struck ( a child wails and the first to wake rushes off to help ) but . . . . . well , I suppose I saw the night watch as my responsibility . I like moving the furniture around periodically . At one time , I used to do it frequently , and when the Sage worked full - time he never quite knew what he 'd come back to . I 'd edge a huge piece of furniture onto a bit of carpet to give me some purchase and heave it across the room , or into another room come to that ; preferring to do it by myself so that I could try it out and see if it worked and if not , put it back so that I wouldn 't be a nuisance by bothering someone else with my whims . So the bed wasn 't always on the same wall , and the same side wasn 't always to the door . But , right or left , that was ' my ' side , even when the children were grown up and gone . This time , on moving the bed , I casually asked " which side ? " and the Sage chose left , which is where he 'd been already , and so now he sleeps by the door . And I 've let go . No big deal , really . Just thought I 'd mention it . What I wrote yesterday , with your thoughtful comments , reminded me of something I 've been meaning to mention ; though it isn 't directly linked , merely a nudge to my mind . I want to be quite careful not to imply more than I mean to say . . . you see , although I don 't at all need looking after , and I wasn 't thinking or talking about me in that post , there are things I 've recently been finding it awkward to do . I can 't carry heavy things in front of me , for example . And it 's brought out a very protective and caring side in the Sage . I 've mentioned before that he 's quite a few years older than me , though bouncing with rude health as ever ; but I 've started to look after him a bit more over the last couple of years - I don 't let him up ladders too often but climb them myself , things like that . But now he 's started to look after me . He wouldn 't let me carry the hoover upstairs this morning , for example - or down again ( he let me use it , however ) and when there were drawers to remove and put back from a chest of , he insisted on doing them all himself . We were moving furniture at the time . He isn 't overprotective and doesn 't fuss - I 'd hate it and it isn 't his way - but I can see that it is quite bringing out the manly caring side , and it 's awfully sweet . You see why I don 't want to overstate this : in no sense am I suggesting that he ' likes ' having me a bit less capacitated than I used to be , only that he 's remembered how he likes to look after me , when we 'd got a bit more used to me looking after him . Anyway , the furniture moving . Our bedroom is a bit of a nuisance . On one wall , there is the door to the attic , the door to the cupboard staircase ( Tudor house , used to have 8 or 9 of them ) , the fireplace ( boarded over - removable board because birds fall down the chimney sometimes ) and what was a large cupboard , now a shower cubicle which , between them , take up the whole wall . The two walls at right angles to that have a window in each , one has a large built - in wardrobe and the other has the door opening onto it ; both have the uprigPosted by I cycled past a friend , who was walking her dog , and we waved to each other . Several years ago , her husband , who was then in his mid - sixties , had a severe stroke and she looked after him for several years before he had to be admitted into permanent residential care . She still visits him frequently , but has had to rebuild her life . It can 't be easy , can it ? He wasn 't an easy person even before he was ill , but afterwards it was hard for an independent and proud man to accept constant help and support , even from his nearest and dearest . When he first came home from hospital , she was offered help by social services , but she was so pleased to have him home and was optimistic , and turned it down . As life became more of a grind , she wished she hadn 't - it can be more difficult to get help when there isn 't an apparent increased need . He 'd lost the use of one arm and was given physiotherapy and exercises to do , but he didn 't like them . She told me that , once , he succeeded in moving his arm , but said it had hurt and he wouldn 't try again ; but the best chance of regaining movement is in the first year and if it 's left too long a permanent disability remains . It 's hard to understand why he would rather bear that than go through temporary pain , but it can be easier to criticise than to comprehend . Eventually , as I said , she couldn 't cope physically and he has settled down into nursing care . And I 've always wondered how she felt as time went on - is relief tinged or even blighted by guilt ? It shouldn 't be ; she had done absolutely all she could and still cares for him as much as ever . But friends whose spouses or parents have died after a long illness have found the same thing : that having your life back isn 't as simple as it sounds . It can be difficult to learn to enjoy yourself again . I found a message on the answerphone when I got home at about 4 . 30 , giving me the hymns for tomorrow . Now , I 'd only been out for an hour - that 's a bit late to give the organist the hymn numbers , but I 'm easy - going and I don 't really mind . I 'm interested to see , however , that I don 't know any of them . It was too late for me to feel willing to go down to the church and practise , and my piano is still away being repaired * I looked at the music a little while ago and all except the last look quite playable at sight , so I 'll go with it . However , if I don 't know them , neither will most of the congregation . Should be fun , I 'm quite happy . I was chatting to the assistant whom Al has engaged for alternative Saturday afternoons - I hope he will offer him more hours before long , because he is a Good Lad . When I told him I 'm a governor at his school he said , with a measure of enthusiasm , " Cool ! " He has put his name down for the BTech in Construction at the . . . oh sorry , I fear the Power of Google , so I won 't say the name . . . it 's a purpose - built establishment , offering courses in Construction , Engineering , Motor Mechanics , Hairdressing and Catering ; all 2 - year courses which , successfully completed , equate to 2 GCSEs and it 's run by Lowestoft college for students from Yagnub and Selcceb . We talked about bricklaying , and I admitted an interest in several of the courses , having been shown round the centre . I can cook and I don 't want to hairdress , but the others interest me vastly . I 'd love to have a go . * actually , I suspect it still hasn 't been touched , but there is still 10 months to go before the Wrath of Z is engaged . I realised that I needed to alter the timeclock so that the church heating would come on early on Sunday , for the monthly 8am service , so I cycled into Yagnub for the key to the church rooms ( another story , won 't digress ) . I discovered that the heating was on , and was told that the Youth Group had something on in the church later . At about half - past nine , I got twitchy . I had an uncharacteristically unlazy urge to go and check that the heating had been turned off again , so pedalled off to check . It was embarrassing that the Fellow and his lovely wife hadn 't left yet , and I had to own up that I was checking up on them . They laughed at me , which was entirely deserved , and the Fellow wondered if he should have told me about the event . Of course not , I reassured , and then remembered to mention that someone was coming in to check the sound system the next day , so I 'd removed the microphones from the safe and left them in the locked vestry ( that was the reason for the Lending of the Keys ) . " Ah , " he said in a ' that explains it ' voice . " You put them back " He had . He went to get them out again . Lovely wife noted that we are , as churchwardens , two of a kind . I suggested that our control freakery is increasing to the extent that we may never let anyone take over from us . I can 't remember why I mentioned to him that he is , for blogging purposes , known as the Fellow , but he looked slightly startled . Later , I emailed to explain that I don 't talk about him much , and quoted what I 'd previously said ( nothing personal and always complimentary ) . In other news , Al 's brief slot on Radio Broadland * went well and was noticed , it seemed , because he has been asked to appear again next Monday , and has been promoted from 7 . 30am to the afternoon show . I trust the publicity will not go to his head . * Link for Dave , who CBATG . The hot news for tomorrow morning is that Al will be on Radio Broadland around 7 . 30 , when he will take part in the quiz on Rob ' n ' Chrissie 's show , ' Over , Under , Or . ' Apparently , they will ask how many plastic bags Al has saved in the six weeks he has been plastic bag free . He keeps a tally , it seems , and knows . So the question will be asked and his interview will give the answer . This splendid show , which I 've not had the pleasure of listening to yet , because I 'm a Radio 4 girl at heart , is available live on the internet , so you can all listen to him , darlings ; assuming you have read this before 7 . 30 am GMT on Friday . Otherwise , I 've been mightily annoyed by the vicissitudes of life , mainly technology , but it 's all sorted now and I have mellowed nicely . My iPod , which seemed for a while to be terminally buggered , is working again and I have finally persuaded the camera and the computer to live together in harmony . A large pine tree , which we were rather worried might fall on the house , has been felled and had a large crack vertically through the trunk , so we 're mighty pleased that we learned from the near - disaster of one barely missing Al & family 's house last winter and cut this down in time . Dilly is taking on the chin the news that she has carpel tunnel syndrome in her right arm , although it wasn 't actually what she was being tested for - a sort of bonus , really , you might say . I have done no work today . Nothing . And then I needed to find something , so went through the pile on my desk - I found it , but now have lost everything else . The chronological integrity of the pile has been disturbed and all sense of structure has gone . This means that I 'll have to tidy it all properly tomorrow . The good news is that I 've finally got around to putting photos onto the computer that have been hanging around since October , so I 'll finally see my Loire holiday pictures . I went off to the Year 9 Options evening at the high school , which helps to inform the choices of the unfortunate children who have to decide what GCSEs they wish to take . They have to take certain subjects but can choose the rest , within limits ; that is , not all combinations of subjects are available because there are 1000 pupils in the school and timetabling is complicated , but every effort is made to be helpful . I can 't say anything about Ofsted , because I 'm not allowed to , sorry . I did make the Head sit down and eat a sandwich though , which was probably the first thing he 'd eaten all day . I didn 't watch him eat it , though I threatened to , but I hung round near his office for a good five minutes afterwards and he didn 't come out , so I 'm reasonably sure he had something to eat . I know what it 's like , he 'd gone way past hungry , but I explained that I expect him to be back at work within 12 hours and that he should be fit for it . I normally would go down the motherly route , but he 's hardly younger than I am , it isn 't appropriate ; nor is flirtatious ( unprofessional ) , so I was simply bossy . I mean assertive . The children , whom I babysat most of the day , were adorable as ever , although Squiffany was annoyed when I wouldn 't let her watch a DVD at 10 am . She is good at self - control and wasn 't rude or tearful , but stomped off to her bedroom where I heard her muttering to herself crossly . I went through after a few minutes suggesting a walk to the playground with Tilly , and she was pleased with that . . . later , I suggested that there was a half - hoPosted by My meeting this morning took place on the further side of Norwich , so the host gave us lunch afterwards to restore us before our journeys home . Therefore , it was getting on for four o ' clock by the time I rolled home , where I was greeted by the Sage saying " tea ? " Fine man , the Sage . Tilly politely wagged her tail , also saying " tea ? " but she was hoping for a meal . I sat down to peer at emails , one of which asked if I 'd be free tomorrow evening instead of a night in the wilds of April . . . it 'll get it out of the way , I suppose ; it 's governor duty . My mind was still full of the business to be done as a follow - up to this morning - but the Sage was waving sheaves of paper . On one was the hand - written catalogue which needed to be typed up quam celerrime and on the other was a message from M , the chairman of governors , asking for some information from a meeting in November . M rang back . I was able to find the notes and email them to her , and we talked through the meetings , remembering more specific details as we went . There 's going to be an Ofsted inspection tomorrow , you see . Just a quickie ; one day , with specific areas they are targeting . Fortunately , one of them , which is a new requirement ( A Community Cohesion policy ) just so headteachers and governors have plenty of work to do , we had not only talked about but put it on record as a target for the year , with success criteria and monitoring arrangements and everything . Hah . I 've typed the catalogue , but it 's still to be proofread - and then there will be the condition report and all the photos . Ro will update the website ; I 'll let you know when it 's ready . Babyminding tomorrow , as Dilly has a hospital appointment . I could get up early and catch up with the rest of the work , I suppose . Not very likely , however . Three - legged Cat has written a post which brought back memories of my younger son , Ro , when he was a baby . He grew up to be relaxed and good - humoured , but he was certainly the least happy of all my children at the start . He seemed to both want and reject me at the same time ; he woke frequently at night and appeared to be generally frustrated by life . When he was ten months ( or whatever age children are when this happens ) old , he learned his first word . Unsurprisingly , it wasn 't ' mama ' . It was ' dah ' . This proved to be vastly useful - it meant ' water ' . There are few more useful words than water . When thirsty , he could ask for ' dah ' . When it was raining , he could point at the window and comment knowledgeably on the weather . We lived by the sea , and he could remark on the scenery . He was , at last , able to communicate and he loved it . He was also able to talk to his father by name , because if you can say ' dah ' you can say ' dada ' . Things improved further as time went on and he became more independent . We bought him a slide , which he enjoyed , but the matching swing wasn 't so popular - he had to be lifted into it and then be swung . We moved house the day before his second birthday : the friends who bought our house had a little girl of about the same age and she loved the swing , so we gave it to her as a housewarming present . He hated the car seat and screamed every time he was put in it - car journeys were miserable times . When he was three , he developed severe car sickness , so I suspect this was a major part of his distress . What still seems remarkable to me was the change in his nature as he grew older . When he was born , and in view of the 8 - year age gap between him and his older brother , we were thinking in terms of having a fourth child . But when he was a month old , I looked at the Sage and said " we won 't be having another , will we ? " Thank goodness for a doting elder brother and sister , who took a good deal of the strain off me - they became thoroughly neglected themselves , as there was only so much time and emotional ePosted by Al and Dilly decided to go to a car boot sale today ; indeed , they were going to have a stall themselves . They asked if we could look after the children ; fine , I said , I 'm not playing the organ so I 'll take them to church . Um , we 'll have to make an early start , added Al . Fine . I set the alarm for 6am and was walking up their garden path at half - past . The children were sweet . I always get to the church an hour before the service as there 's a lot to do - today , I was helping with coffee and responsible for the Mothering Sunday flowers , as well as the usual things that crop up , and Squiffany and Pugsley were amazingly good - humoured as I bustled about . They started to suggest it was about time to go home at about the time the service was starting , but were still cheerful when I explained . During the service , they cheerily proffered hands to shake and Pugsley clapped at the end of each hymn , and they helped hand out the bunches of flowers to everyone , including men . On the way home , Squiffany fell over and cried first for Mummy and then for Daddy , but she was brave and allowed herself to be comforted ; I carried her the rest of the way . We decided that a good bounce on my bed would cheer her up , and talked about endorphins . . . she knows quite a lot about ' dorphins because she 's watched Finding Nemo . Ro cooked lunch , and excellent it was . Roast chicken , which was perfect and moist and herby , sausages , roast potatoes , sweet potatoes cooked with shallots and cumin , carrots and broccoli ; and rhubarb crumble and custard to follow . He cooked the rhubarb in orange juice and a very little sugar . Squiffany and her mother had made cakes to eat with coffee . I slept for over an hour in the afternoon . The Sage is entirely adorable , and never more so than when he 's screwed things up . He paid his car insurance , and a couple of weeks later , realised that his car tax was due and his insurance certificate had not arrived . He phoned , and was told that a replacement would be sent out at once , but it still hadn 't got here yesterday . " Never mind , " I said , " I 'll pay for it online ; the DVLC are notified by the insurance company and you don 't have to produce the document . " The trouble was , he also hadn 't had a reminder for his car tax ( what is it with the postal service ? ) and so he didn 't have the reference number . " what about the log book then , that 'll do ? " He searched . He couldn 't find it . He tried to ring them , but the line was constantly engaged ( no queue , just an engaged signal ) from 4 pm yesterday and we concluded that the weekend had started early . I tried to think where the registration document might be . " Where 's the MOT certificate ? " I asked . He tapped his pocket . " Okay , where was it before you put it in your pocket ? " He looked boyish . " I couldn 't find it , I got a replacement from the garage . " Today , the replacement insurance certificate arrived , but the logbook still is nowhere to be found . He went to get an application form for a replacent . . . which will cost £ 25 . We 're working on the catalogue for the next sale . There are a few pieces from one seller which didn 't go in the last sale , which are being re - entered this time . The Sage was worried . Three saucers , but no matching teabowls . And two cream jugs were missing . He was still fretting about it when we went to bed . " Look , " I said . " We didn 't leave them behind in the saleroom and the owner didn 't take them away " ( he 'd phoned to check ) . " So they 're here . You just put them in a different box . " " But there was plenty of room in that box , so why weren 't they together ? " " When you find them , you 'll remember why you packed them separately . They aren 't lost . You are careful and you would never lose a piece of china that belonged to someone else . " This morning , of course , Posted by Oh , what 's the problem ? This is hardly Great Literature . I 'd appreciate anything taken from here being acknowledged , and I might change my mind if I 'm suddenly proclaimed as the Literary Queen of the Blogosphere - but I probably wouldn 't . Do what you like , just as long as it doesn 't extend to defamation of anyone , even me . Actually , you want to pass off what I say as your own , I might even be flattered . Let 's face it , who cares anyway ? |
NOTE : This letter is out of order . I 'll just insert it here , rather than trying to fix it . It should have been posted with the June letters . This has been a very nice afternoon . I feel one hundred percent better now . We took the English van , and drove out about 3 or 4 miles out of town to a nice swimming pool and spent the afternoon . We swam a lot and then threw a ball around for a little while , and spent the rest of the afternoon in the sun . Of course , I got a little red , but didn 't blister I don 't think . When I got back I had a letter from you telling me about yours and aunt Ruth 's trip to Chattanooga . I am glad that you had a good time , and I want you to spend a lot of time up there . I am very sorry to hear that no news from Bill has changed for the better . I still think there is always a chance , and that we should not give up hope for good news . I told you that I would let you know if there should be any changes in my status here as to what I will be doing next . Right now , it is the same story . Will either be in one of the other classes that I have been telling you about . The thing is though , things are really in the fire for me . The outfit that I was in before they broke up is reforming and they are doing everything in their power to get me back in the outfit for some reason . As you know though , it is a lower HQ , and it is directly under this command , and they are for some reason or other trying to hold on to me . The old outfit has promised to make me sergeant right away , and S / Sgt as soon as possible , and a chance to work for T / Sgt . you can imagine that that sounds very good to me , and worth trying for . It will mean a trip , and a furlough in the states , but from there you know where I would go . The ratings would not come through until we got to the final destination though . On the other hand , this outfit put me in for Sgt . , and it will probably come out the first of next month . You can see what I am between . Advantages are great to either of them , and it seems as though I am just falling into them from either side . Of course , I will be with the old bunch if I go to the old outfit , and they are an alright bunch . On the other hand , I have good friends here , and have a good job . You can give me all the advice you care to , but it will be too late . It will be decided one way or the other before I could receive a letter from you . I will be in a HQ either way though , so don 't worry about it . If I should stay here , there is the chance that I could go later , and not have as good set up as I would have now . Time will tell though , and I will let you know how things come out as soon as I can . Things are pretty bad . Seems as though all of my friends want to marry English ATS girls . Remember me telling you about M / Sgt . Morris Parkhill ? He left for England this morning , and when he comes back , he will be a married man . I guess it is okay if they want it that way , but as for me , I just can 't see it . I will do all of the marrying back in the states , that is , if I ever do get married . Don 't you think that is a good idea ? Got a letter from Erskine yesterday , and he told me all about his furlough . He said that he has a good set up now , and hopes to keep it for a while . I think I will try to answer it as soon as possible . I am sending you a couple of pictures that we have taken lightly . The girls in the picture are the ones they clean the halls for us , and dust our tables . One of the ones was taken in front of the cathedral in Koln after we had been on the road for about 4 1 / 4 days . The truck in the background is the one that we ride around in all the time . It sure comes in handy . The one on the bike was taken before we left Criel France . It is time for me to go to chow , and I am going downtown tonight , so I will close for this time . Please excuse the sloppy letter . I have written it hurriedly , so please look over all the mistakes . Parkhill left this afternoon for a trip up in Germany . He is going to be gone about a month , and will have a long trip . He is to visit about ten different units , and they are scattered all over the place . I suppose we will be pulling out of here sometime within the next few weeks . Guess we will be in the vicinity of Nürnberg . There is not supposed to be much of the place left . But , I don 't expect to be going around but very little while I am up there . This is a nice place , and we hate to leave the place , but we will have to move up closer to the units under this Hq . The mail hasn 't come in today , but I have a feeling that I will get a letter . Sure hope so anyway . I got a letter from you yesterday . I got the biggest kick about you asking me what division I am in . Div . , Reg . , Battalions , and other names like that go with the ground forces . I am in the Ninth Air Force . It is the only Air Force over here now . The Eighth Air Force was in England , but they have all been redeployed to the Pacific . Part of the Ninth is also going , but part of it is staying over here to police the Hines . As things go now ? I will stay here for the duration I guess . As for all those clippings you have been sending me about all the boys being replaced , well that is just a bunch of hooey . There are more boys here that have a lot more points that I have , and they will be the first ones to go home . A lot of the jobs here ran out when the war was over , and there is nothing for some of the fellows to do . My job is still in full swing , so there will be another group that will take off before me . Guess I had better cut this letter off like I did the other one . The Col . is in our office now , and I don 't want him to see me writing this letter . Not until he promotes me anyway . How are you going about this sudden change of receiving all of these letters from me lately . I have really surprised myself . The only trouble is , I haven 't been getting much mail from you . Let 's not have this thing one sided . I still like to get mail . I am pretty mad at the girl that takes my laundry . She has really let me down . Usually , I can turn in my laundry to her , and she will have it back within 3 to 5 days . She took it about 10 days ago , and hasn 't returned it as yet . I am going out in the hall and look her up in a couple of minutes , and tell her what I think about it , and then hope for better results . Mother I wish you were here to tell this M / Sgt off . He has been sitting here arguing with me . I told him if he doesn 't go and leave me alone that I would tell my mother on him . What do you think I should do ? I think I will give him a swift kick in the seat of the pants and see if that will do any good . I am browned off again . No promotions came out for this Hq . again . They say it will come out the first of the month now , but I have my doubts . Seems as though I might as well forget about the rating , and get prepared to stay Cpl . for the duration plus 6 . Has William Derrick gotten home yet ? I got a letter from him not long ago , and he was ready to start back then , so I guess he is home now , and is getting ready to move on to the next theater . I still haven 't heard if my buddy from the old outfit is going to get to come up here or not . Something should come up on it any time now , and I sure hope that he does get to come up here . We hd a lot of fun together back in the old outfit . It is still pretty warm here , and not much doing in the office . It will be nice to see it get cold again , and then I will have something net to gripe about . I will want it to get hot again then . You can 't say that I haven 't been on the ball lately . I think this makes about 4 or 5 days on the straight that I have written to you . Pretty good huh ? I went to a dance last night . There was a good band there , and I had a very good time . Several new WACs are here now , and some of them are pretty nice girls . There was also several civilians there , and some of them were nice also . We had real live Cokes for refreshments . They have a factory in Paris that bottle them up . It rained pretty hard last night , but I don 't think it is much cooler than it was before . It must take more than rain to cool this place off when it does get hot . I told you about the pictures that I had made for you in the last letter didn 't I ? It will be about two weeks before I get them and it will probably take about a month for them to get home then , so don 't loot for them too soon . This machine is really in bad shape . It stick pretty bad , and needs cleaning also . I have just worked my typewriter over , and have it in good shape now , but one of the boys is using it now . It is one of the MC - 88 Signal Typewriters . The one with all the capital letters . The only thing wrong with it is , it is pretty big , and it is very heavy on the touch . After fooling around all day , I finally got something done that I have been putting off for a long time . Parkhill and I went downtown , and had our pictures taken . They won 't be ready for about two weeks , but when we do get them , they had better be good . They will be 8 X 10 , and they charged us about $ 20 each for them in advance . I am getting two pictures , one for Chattanooga , and one for Scottsboro . It is hard for these people to get the large film , and paper to print the picture on , so they really soak you when they do take your picture . I have planned to have a picture taken for a long time now , but they wouldn 't have the film , or something would be wrong , and I couldn 't get it taken every time . I had to make the letter pretty short yesterday . I came in the office at noon to write the letter , and before I could get the letter finished , the Capt . was there , and had a job for me . I cut it short though and it wasn 't long before I was out again . That is enough to prove to me that I shouldn 't go around the office on my days off . It is still very hot here . I hope it rains , and cools the place off a little , but it can wait until after this afternoon . This is Sunday , and as you know , we get Sunday afternoons off . We are going to take a shower at noon , and go out and take about two or three rolls of film this afternoon . I hope it is not as hot there as it is here now . Guess it is even warner though , so I should not complain . I got a letter from the Co . Clerk of the 859th yesterday . He ask me to send him some forms that he couldn 't get there . It is a good thing that I got out of that outfit . They will probably go to the CBI direct . It wouldn 't bother me if I had to go there , but I sure would like to drop by the good old US for a couple of days before taking off . As it stands now though , I won 't have to worry about either for a long time yet though . It won 't be long before I am in Germany though . We will be there in about a month I guess . I have decided to wait until I get there to ask for my furlough . I can go out here , and have a good time , but there won 't be anything to do there , so I will just save up my passes , and take them after I get there . Even though this is Sunday , I have a little work to do , so must close . Only one of the officers has come down this morning , and he is doing a fancy dance around the office . He is Capt . Richardson , and is about the best officer that I have been around . This is my day off , but I am a long way from where I had planned to be today . Parkhill and I had planned to go up to Germany in the German car that we had picked up . The Col . found out we had it though , and made him turn it in . We were going up around Frankfurt last night , and come back tomorrow afternoon . Good things don 't last long before someone comes along , and spoils it . Then we decided to get a hair cut , and go downtown this afternoon , and get our pictures taken . Our laundry didn 't get back , so that spoiled that idea also . Do you remember Doty , the boy back in the other Co . ( The 859th ) that I use to pal around with ? I think I am getting him up here . One of the fellows is leaving the section , and I recommended him to take his place , and the personnel officer is trying to get him . I sure hope he does , because he was a good friend of mine , and it would be much better for him if he can get out of the Co . He might have a chance to get a rating here , and he sure doesn 't there . If there is anyone back in the Co . to take his place , I guess he will be up here in a couple of days or so . It has sure been hot here for the past couple days . I am off this afternoon , and don 't know what to do . Before the evening is over , I guess we will go out for a swim . No we won 't either , the swimming pool is closed . Think I will close this letter now , because the Capt . is coming this way to ask me to do something . That is the reason it is so poor . I have written this in about two minutes trying to get away from here before I get stuck here . Love always , This is the day that you want to watch what you are doing . It has gone OK so far , so there must not be much to this Friday 13 stuff . Seems as though every time I think that I have got all of the detail work caught up with , they come along with something else . I was the assistant to the staff duty officer of the post last night . There was nothing to do , so we sat there and talked until about 2 : 00 . He is a Major and has been all through the Middle East since he has been in the Army . I am very glad that you can spend as much time with Anna Ruth as you have been lately . How do you like Chattanooga Mother ? How much longer do you think you will be working there Pop . I guess it must be a nice place to work . As far as I know , I will be over here for a long time to come yet . I will probably be with this headquarters for a long time yet , and if and when it does , I will have a chance to go to work with a Capt . He is going to be the American Liaison Officer for the French Air Force for radar equipment , I think . He would be the only officer there , and he is a swell guy . He would really have it made if we made it . There would not be very much work to it , and we would have a chance to travel around a lot . We would go to England a lot , and around over Germany , and France . I think he is going to try to take M / Sgt . Parkhill and me with him if he goes . As things stand now , I don 't think that I will get to the Pacific . That means that I won 't be home for some time yet , but I guess it will be just as good . When I do get home , I will probably be there to stay , and I guess that will be better in the long run . It has been very warm here lately . I went down and took a shower at noon today , and feel a lot cooler , and refreshed now . Can Martha talk good now ? You never did send me the new picture that you promised some time ago . I guess she must be getting to be a big girl now . It is almost one o ' clock now , so I had better go to work . A lot of work came in this morning , and Phil is sick , so it has really got Joe and me busy . We try to get the work all out , because he doesn 't like the idea of coming back at night if we can get it out in the day time . Cpl . George Dicus 34700627Hq & Hq Sq ( Signal Section ) IX Air Force Service CommandAPO 149 , c / o PostmasterNew York , N . Y . Mr . L . H . DicusScottsboro , AlabamaV - Mail ServiceLuxembourg City , LuxembourgJuly 5 , 1945Dearest Folks , It has been about four or five days since I received a letter from you , but thought I would write a short V - Mail anyway . How was the fourth at home this year ? It was pretty nice here . They had two parades . In the afternoon , the Army presented the Luxembourg army the American flag , and in return , they decorated our General , and a couple more of the big shot officers here . It was pretty nice and I enjoyed it much more , because all of us didn 't have to parade , and I was one of those lucky ones that got off to stand on the side line , and watch the rest of them sweat in the sun . The Luxembourg Army is very small , but they are really on the ball . The only thing that they do is drill all day , so they are pretty much up on it . They have a big bugle corps , and they had ribbons tied on the bugles , and did a fancy parade . They are also pretty fancy with the manual of arms . As for the Americans , the main thing they are interested in is just to get out there , and get the thing over with as soon as possible . Surprising enough though , they did a good job yesterday , and looked a lot better than usual . We have been pretty busy here in the office today . Some of our units are getting ready to be redeployed , and it takes a lot of work getting getting everything cleared for them to take off . Won 't be long before they are back in the States , but they will have to look forward to a much longer trip . There will be advantages to either side of it , but it looks as though without out choice , I will be staying around here for some time yet . Oh yes , I almost forgot to tell you about the fire works that we had last night . Some of the boys got some flares , and fired them about 11 o ' clock last night . They really did light up the sky , and were very pretty . I have seen fireworks on each fourth since I have been here . Last year I was in England , and the Buzz Bombs were coming over thick and heavy . They were throwing up everything they could at them , and the sky was full of red tracer bullets . I am going to try to get a three day pass to Brussels in about a week . The boys that have been up there on a pass say that it is really nice . I haven 't put in for the furlough as yet , but think that I will soon . I am going to help them out downtown in the enlisted men 's club tonight . I will sell ice cream I guess . Take care of yourselves and write soon and often . Seems as though I can 't get around to writing to you on Sunday afternoons any more . I had planned to write to you yesterday , but there was a baseball game , and that is where I ended up . It was a good game though , and I enjoyed it . After the game , I went to a show . It was very poor and I can 't even remember the name of it now . Las night , I went downtown to the service club , and had a couple dishes of ice cream . It has been raining off and on here for the past three of four days . The sky is real dark now , and it looks as though it will start again any minute . It was nice for some time , and I was out in the sun long enough to get myself all burned up as I usually do when I first go out . I am pretty mad now . All this Army is , is a bunch of promises . I was supposed to make Sgt . yesterday . As yet , I haven 't seen any kind of orders that resemble a promotion . They say it should come out soon , but I have my doubts . If they would only turn me loose , and let me go back to my old outfit , I could be sure of the promotion . Oh well , I guess I will get out of it sometime , and that is really all I want form it . I had a tour of guard duty night before last . I pulled four hours at night , and had another stretch yesterday morning . I had a good post though , and could get inside while the rest of them had outside posts . It does not come around but every month or so , so I am all though with it for some time . Several of the boys are trying to get a commission now . Several of them have ask me to put in with them , but I just laugh at them , and call them suckers . If they should get the commission , which is doubtful , they would have to stay in the Army at least one year , and more than likely , it will be several years before they will be able to get out . That is not for me . I am not going to get myself tied down where I won 't have a chance to get out when the time does come . Mother , what made you think about the water I drink ? All the water we drink is put in canvas bags , and chlorinated first . The food has been very good . We had chicken yesterday , fresh eggs this morning , and steak today at noon . Do you have any trouble getting food now ? Several of the boys say that their families say that it is getting pretty hard to get food there . Guess my mail will be a little bit late , and about 6 days in between , but I have really been on the move for the past 5 days . I have been on an inspection trip thru Germany with 3 Captains . We went in a Jeep , and me being the only enlisted man along , of course I had to do the driving . [ click photo to enlarge ] We pushed right on thru , and saw a lot of it . When you see it though , the only thing that you have seen in the cities are a bunch of knocked down buildings , and a lot of ruins . I saw Frankfurt , Kassel , Detmold , Paderborn , Dortmund , Koln [ German : Köln . . . Cologne ] , and many other towns , but these were the largest . It will take them a long time to get on their feet again . The cities will have to be started all over again , because most of the buildings are flattened out , and are in ruins . It was a nice trip , and I enjoyed it a lot . I wish you could have been with me mother . We really were flying low most of the time . The old Jeep really took a beating too . It needs a complete overhaul now . I got a couple pictures of Koln that I will send home , and also a couple little German insignias . I have just written this in a hurry , because I don 't have much time . I have to go to the building now and do a lot of straightening up . I will probably write again tomorrow . This is Sunday afternoon , and we are off duty . We had planned to go swimming , but I decided to stay in , and write to you instead . The other guys went on , but it is a little bit too cool to go swimming , and I thought I had rather write this afternoon than swim anyway . I am listening to the Sunday Serenade of Sammy Kaye , and his band now [ Music Link ] . I think that his program is about the best on the air . Of course , the program is transcribed , but it comes on at the same time he usually does back in the states , so it seems almost real . I still haven 't heard one thing about what is going to happen to me . As far as I know now , I will stay with this outfit for sometime yet , and I think they will stay here . Maybe it is best that we stay around here , but I really haven 't thought much about it . When the time comes , they won 't ask me my personal opinion anyway , so why should I bother myself about it . The only thing that I want to do is to come home , and I am afraid that there will be a little wait before I will make that jump . So you don 't want to come across the ocean Mother . To tell you the truth , I think you are smart . In some ways , I guess it is OK , but there are so many nicer places to go back home in the states that this place can 't even begin to be equal . The only place that I would recommend is Paris , and even when you get right down to it , it is not so wonderful as most people seem to think . Don 't plan on it too much , but I am really trying to get something nice for you . I have a deal working to get a set of crystal glasses that are supposed to be the finest in Europe . The Capt . that I work for has the deal , and has already gotten one set for himself , and is trying to get a set for me . They are very nice . The kind that you can just touch , and they ping . Sure hope that I can get them , because I think you will like them . Did I ever send any French money home ? I don 't think that I did , so I am sending a two Frank note that is worth about 4 ¢ , and a ten Frank note that is worth about 20 ¢ . The Luxembourg ten Franc is worth about 25 ¢ , and the German Mark is about 20 ¢ . The picture that I am sending was taken just outside of Criel France . We went for a bike ride one afternoon , and took several pictures , but this is about the only one that came out good , and it is not so hot . We took some more pictures this afternoon , and I will send them to you if they are good . It takes a long time to get them developed , so I don 't know when you will get them . Daddy , how would you like to have a Lugar Pistol ? They are pretty hard to get , but if I can find one , I am going to get if for you to add to your collection . They are really nice little guns , and are pretty rare back in the states . I think that I could get an old German Rifle , but they are not much good for anything but to just look at . Anna Ruth , I don 't know much about perfume , but I am sending you a bottle . I hope it is the kind that you like . One of the boys that thinks he knows it said it is good , and I just took his word for it . I got it back in Paris , and just haven 't mailed it as yet , but intend to mail it right away . There will be a little surprise package with you glasses Mother . I like to let you guess . What do you want that you think I could get over here ? I called up the boys in the 859th yesterday . They are up in Germany now , but several of them said that they were going to try to get a pass and come down to see me . They don 't like it up there , because there is nothing to do . This is a nice place to take a pass to , and I am sure they will enjoy it here if they do come down . I still wonder what has happened to William Derrick . Have you heard anything from him ? I use to hear from him pretty often , but it has been a long time now since I have heard from him . So you got your teeth pulled Mother . I guess it was the best thing to do . I was getting tired of seeing you not be able to eat , and when you get use to the teeth , they will be a lot better I am sure . I looked everywhere for something for Martha , and haven 't found anything that I like . I am going to find something real nice to send to her before I leave this place though . Rather than trying to find something childish , I think I will look for something she would like later on . I never did get the other pictures that you were going to send to me . Did you send them ? Since the time that I stated this letter , I have covered several miles . All of the officers around here decided to go swimming , so they got a British Car , something like our station wagon , and I drove them out to the pool . Another officer had to catch a plane , and there was not a driver around , so I had to drive out to the port , which is about 15 miles out of town . The old car got pretty hot , so I had to stop her , and fill it up with water , and they take off again . I have drive quite a bit lately . Just short little runs that I ask to drive . I drove down to the station the other day to pick up an officer that was coming in to do some work for us , and when I started to start the thing , it wouldn 't turn over . We traced the wires around and found that the batter wire had slipped off , se we finally got going again . Just had another interruption . I was tracking some reports today I mean yesterday , and they started to call in and report today why the reports were not in . I have just had two calls all the way across German , and it was just as plain as it would be to call from Paynes Drug Store to our home . Some of the lines are very bad though , and you have to holler as loud as you can , and still can 't hear them sometimes . I had one of the officers on a spot , and you should have heard him . He was making all kind of excuses , and they were all pretty silly . They try to be pretty nice when they come in here from the field , because we can sure throw them a lot of work , and really get them screwed up if they are of the wrong kind . May 29 , 1945 [ NOTE : This has to be the wrong date . The letter only said May 29 . " 1945 " written in ink on the envelope . I suppose our grandmother wrote the wrong year on there . So , this one appears to be out of order , but it 's getting posted here since that 's the date that is on there . ] This has been the hottest day yet . We have had pretty nice weather up to now , but everyone seems to think that this is a typical Alabama day . I assured them that I live in the garden spot of the world , where the weather is always nice . I do have an idea that it is pretty warm there right now isn 't it ? Weather here is pretty peculiar , so what like home , changes very fast . More than likely , it will be cool tomorrow . I am sure that you enjoyed Anna Ruth and the baby being home . It was nice for them to stay as long as they did and have a nice visit while they were there . Be sure and send some of the pictures you , you took , to me . I haven 't seen any of the boys from home yet . About the only passes I have taken have been to the smaller towns around here . I still plan to go to London sometime soon though . Why do you think we are moving out of here ? Forget it , because there is no reason to worry about me . I am getting along fine . Getting good food , in fact , the food is just about the same that we got back in the States . I am working in the office and weigh more than I every have before . Still haven 't gotten a package . It should be here most any time though . It usually takes about a month for them to get here . In fact , I haven 't gotten any of them as yet , so have something to look forward to . You ask me if there was a radio around here . Right now we don 't have one , but one of the boys in my tent is getting one by parts . He has about half of it already , and we are now waiting for the rest of it . It was too heavy to send all together . You keep asking me if there is anything you can send me . I have several packages on the way now . Let them get here first please . Really though there is not much that you could send that I could use . I have more stuff than I can carry around . I will let you know if there is anything though . Take care of yourself , and be sure and let me know if anything should go wrong . |
A / N : Happy holidays , sweethearts . I 'm sorry for my wonky posting schedule . I promise to update when I can . It does no good to plan because I keep getting interrupted . I hope you all are coping . Play around the blog and check out the smuttake if you missed it . This chapter is a filler and lets you see more of the cracks . The next chapter will be their Thanksgiving in Chicago . I hope to post that this weekend if I get the chance . You will see Donward slip back into his old ways a little . Feel free to yell at him on Twitter . The song has been added to the playlist . Do you ever feel like a plastic bag , one blow from caving in ? Do you ever feel already buried deep ? 6 feet under screams but no one seems to hear a thing Do you know that there 's still a chance for you ' Cause there 's a spark in you It was another rainy night in Seattle . The sounds of fierce thunder and lightning were too loud , making it unable for me to sleep . Plus , Edward was away on official Mafia business in Portland , Oregon for the next two days . I missed him terribly . The Greek relatives were managing a big American gun deal , and they needed Edward 's help . His Uncle Paulo and Aunt Chara were like two balls of energy . Where Paulo was tall and thin , Chara was short and thick . However , their love was an inspiration . I hoped Edward and I would still carry that kind of flame for each other after so many years . Dante 's loud wailing put the storm to shame . I stepped out of bed and put on my slippers so I could go feed our boy . He was sleeping more often . . . except it still wasn 't much . I was trying to get better about letting him cry , but I just couldn 't stand to let my child have a moment of discomfort . He began rooting so I knew he was hungry . I walked over to the rocking chair and took a seat . Then I lowered my nursing tank . It was barely down before Dante began drinking from my nipples . I held him close , staring down at his beautiful bronze - haired head as he fed greedily . The sounds of the storm blended with Dante 's suckling to make a comfortable melody . My eyelids started drooping , but I fought sleep for my baby boy . His warm little body wiggled and squirmed as he ate to his heart 's delight . After about fifteen minutes he unlatched . I laid him on my shoulder so that he could burp . I noticed how much weight he 'd gained . It had become harder to pick him up and some of his older infant clothes were now snug . He squealed and slobbered on my cheek . I took that as his way of giving me a kiss . My little man was so loveable and already showed signs of kindness . I had so much love in my heart for him ; it felt like I could burst . Smiling , I passed him to his great Aunt . She kissed his chubby pink face while whispering Greek words in his ears . At this rate , I was going to be the only one not multilingual in this family . Edward had promised to teach me some Italian , but lately he 'd been too busy . " You can put those away now , dear . I 'm sure my Edward enjoys them as much as our bambino . It 's been so long since mine were that high , " Chara said wistfully . I was dumbfounded until I looked down to see my breasts still out . Blushing , I snapped my nursing tank back into place . So far gravity had been kind to my body , but I knew that it would eventually catch up if we kept having babies . After changing Dante 's soggy diaper , we went to the kitchen to get a snack . My baby boy knew this room best , and his fat little legs went wild the moment we entered . He was now able to eat hot cereal and other mashed food , and he loved it all . I turned on the light and took out the ingredients for turkey sandwiches . Chara was like all the other women in Edward 's family , so my baby boy instantly loved her . I 'd been worried she wouldn 't like me , but we got along well from the start . " I 'll have lots of olives and onions . You can take the girl out of Greece , but you can 't take Greece out of the girl , " she chortled , bouncing a laughing Dante on her knee . It warmed my heart to hear my baby boy so happy . A few minutes later , we were eating . Dante , always the spoiled baby , wanted a nightcap too . I poured some organic apple sauce into a small bowl for him . He kept spitting it out and half of it landed on his bib . It was great entertainment for his Aunt . " Oh , he 's just like Edward ! I remember the first time Esme and Edward Sr . brought him to Greece . He looked just like Dante , and the girls that worked in our house all wanted to hold and feed him . It was chaos and poor Esme was so young . She barely let him out of her sight . " I poured us more sparkling grape juice . " Um , I know you 're Canadian . How did you end up in Greece with Paulo ? I asked Edward , but he said it was your story to tell . " She absentmindedly kissed Dante 's forehead , staring off into space . " I grew up in Nova Scotia . My family is of Scottish decent , thus the red hair . The summer of my sixteenth birthday , my father made a great deal of money and decided to take us for a trip to Athens . Mother had always wanted to go . " " I 've seen pictures of Nova Scotia . It 's beautiful ! I 've always wanted to visit . I grew up in a small , rainy town , too , so I don 't think it would bother me . " Smiling , she wiped my little man 's mouth . When she was finished , he promptly stuck his thumb inside . I reached for him so Chara could finish her food . She cuddled him a little more before handing him over . Once he was in my arms again , his little head resting over my breast , I felt at ease . " Well , for a small town girl like me , Athens was another universe . I was a typical teen girl , thinking I was too fat , had too many freckles , too much butt , " she giggled . " Plus , I 'd inherited my father 's ruby hair and stockier build . My sisters were blond and thin like my mother . One day we went sightseeing without our parents . We had a guide but she was too busy flirting with her boyfriend to look after us properly . As usual , my sisters got all the attention from the boys , but one young man only stared at me . " It was cold most of the time in Nova Scotia so I wasn 't used to a light summer dress . The wind blew it up around my knees , exposing my underwear . I was so embarrassed ! " I pictured the story in my mind , itching to make it into a book . I 'd done so well getting Vlad and his late wife 's story published ; perhaps the publisher would let me do more . I made a mental note to talk to Giles about it during our next meeting . But first , I had to find a way to ask Chara . " Of course no one was paying attention to me , except the lanky one . He walked over and gave me a beautiful pink peony . I was shocked at how good his English was compared to the others we 'd heard . While I sniffed the flower he whispered five words in my ear , ' I want to fuck you . ' As you can imagine , I was disgusted . No boy or man had ever used such crude words in relation to me . I slapped his cheek and threw the flower on the ground . Our guide , fearing that she would lose her job , shooed all the boys away . The last thing I saw that day was the skinny boy 's sad face as he picked up the peony . " I wiped away some stray tears . " Paulo sounds a lot like Edward . Our first meeting didn 't go to plan . He was rude , too , but it was because he was fighting the attraction . " She nodded and took our plates to the sink . " Men are stupid creatures . They often have no filter between the brain and the mouth . I don 't think they realize how what they say can hurt us . No matter how far we come , women still have more sensitive hearts ; especially when it comes to our men . " " I know . Sometimes Edward can break my heart with just once sentence . His opinion matters above all others , and when I feel that he 's disappointed in me … it hurts . " We walked to the den in contemplative silence . Dante tugged on my hair and babbled baby nonsense the whole way . I truly believed he was already trying to tell me important things , but we didn 't speak the same language yet . I looked forward to the day when he could articulate his wants , needs , and feelings . When we got there , Chara took a seat on the overstuffed sectional . I spread a blanket in the middle and placed Dante on his tummy . Instantly , his little eyes closed . Chara rubbed his back while I put on some soft nursery music . " Edward loves you Bella . His father was … a whore . I didn 't like my Paulo to hang with him . Edward Sr . could charm the pants off of any woman and he did . But if a man so much as looked at Esme , he 'd be plotting murder . I never understood that man . For a long time , I feared Edward got too much of his dad 's personality and not enough of Esme 's . When she and Di told me you two were getting married , I was over the moon . I wanted to come , but it wasn 't safe , and then after … Oh , I 'm so glad you and Dante made it ! You 're a strong woman , Bella . " She leaned down , kissing the back of Dante 's head . He was really asleep now . " It was nothing . I 'm still upset I missed DC 's birth . It still wasn 't safe so Paulo wouldn 't let me travel . We fought over it for a whole week . I think we drove your friend Jake mad . " She smiled , making her light brown eyes crinkle . " He 's such a nice young man . He needs babies . We need lots and lots of babies in the family . My own three sons refuse to settle down and give me any , so I disown them , " she teased . " They 're dying to meet you , but their services are needed in Greece at the moment . They 've made Edward promise to bring everyone on his next trip . " " Now back to my story . The next time I saw Paulo was outside of the Acropolis . He had cleaned up and was wearing a suit and tie . His jet black hair was slicked back so that it glowed in the sun . I remember noticing the contrast of our skin , mine milk white and his a deep golden brown that made his pearl white teeth stand out . While everyone took pictures and milled around , he stood there with a fresh pink peony staring at me . That was the first time I ever felt attraction and it frightened me . Everywhere we went , Paulo showed up holding the pink flower . Eventually , I got mad and confronted him . He handed the peony over and kissed me on the cheek . Then , he walked away , whistling to himself . Two days later , my father hired a driver to take us further out . Imagine my shock when it was Paulo ! Oh , how I blushed ! My mother thought I was coming down with a fever . " " Wow , indeed . My parents were rekindling their romance , so my sisters and I were pretty much on our own . They left me so that they could make out with some English boys who were also on vacation . Paulo took my hand and walked me around the city . He seemed to know everyone , and they were fond of him . He talked of poems he 'd read , how his father died , and of his mother . By the end of our conversation , I knew that I was in love . That night , before he drove us home , he kissed me on the lips . The next day , we did the same thing except I told him all about me and my life in Nova Scotia . He absorbed it all , even though his eyes never wandered far from my breasts . That 's how we got to know each other . Each day , we 'd go a little father . On the last night , he took me to his small house . While he went to find us a bottle of wine , I took off my clothes . When he saw me naked , he dropped the bottle and pounced on me . I wanted to give him my virginity as a parting gift . I 'd talked to my sisters and they 'd given me condoms so I wouldn 't become pregnant . Paulo looked deep in my eyes and whispered words I 'll never forget . He said , ' I wanted to fuck you then , but now I want to make love to you . ' Then , he stood up and left the room . Later , he took me back to the hotel . We didn 't speak , but he kissed me passionately before driving away . I was heartbroken that he 'd rejected me . " She held up her hand and kissed her wedding ring . " I returned to Nova Scotia , no longer the naïve girl that left . My blood boiled and I yearned for my Greek boy . A month later , a letter came . It was from Paulo . Throughout the next two years , we wrote each other . On my eighteenth birthday , Paulo showed up at our door wearing a fancy suit and holding a bouquet of pink roses . He asked to speak to my father . Two months later , we were married in a quaint chapel in Nova Scotia . I left my family and moved to Athens for good . I spent my days in college classes while Paulo hustled to become rich . That is how he met Edward Sr . , the half Greek , half Italian mutt from New York . He 'd come to Athens on lowly Mafia business but left a wealthy man . " I played with the hem of my tank , contemplating how to ask the next question . " Does it , um , ever bother you … um , what they do ? " " They make a living , sweetheart , and take very good care of us . I do worry for Paulo 's safety , but I 'm proud of him . He always knows he has a loving home to come back to , no matter what happens out there . Does it bother you ? " " It never has , " I said with conviction . " That is kind of the thing that scares me . I worry that it will catch up with me later . I mean , my father was a Police Chief . I was brought up to honor justice , yet here I am married to a Mafia Don . Sometimes it 's overwhelming . " She nodded . " I know , but you love him . You 'd lie for him , go to jail , and risk your life , wouldn 't you ? " " That 's how you know it 's love . We can 't choose these things . You 're a wonderful woman , Bella , exactly what I wished for Edward and even my own sons . The Family takes some getting used to , but you will never be alone again . We take care of our own . " I sighed . " To be honest , it 's not really the Mafia stuff that worries me right now . Edward and I are drifting apart . I know I 've changed . I have Dante and the bookstore , so it 's … different . He 's hired these women who I hate . I want to trust him , but it 's so hard because of his past . I don 't want to lose him . " " Adjusting to motherhood is hard . You want to be with your baby all the time , but your husband needs you , too . You have to find your balance , Bella . Let Edward know how you feel . The minute you lose communication with your husband , the battle is lost . Make sure you let those other hussies know he 's yours . Surprise him sometimes when he least expects it . It takes hard work to make a marriage last , but it 's worth it in the end . " She laughed . " Chara means happiness in Greek . Paulo gave me that one . My given name is Beathas . There are only a few living people who know the truth . Now you 're really a part of the family , Bella . " After putting Dante in his bed , we retired for the night . This time I had no problem falling asleep . I dreamed of Chara 's love story , except it was Edward and me . The colors , smells , and sounds were so real in my head . When I woke up , there was something long and thick sliding inside of me . Edward . I moaned softly as his hardness parted my folds . My dream must have made me moist because I was more than ready for him . While he pounded into me , I kept my eyes closed . Lazily , I wrapped my legs around his waist , reaching up to feel his hard shoulders . He bit down on my nipples , slamming into me until I creamed his massive cock . It felt so good . He wasn 't done yet , though . I did as he said . It was still raining and foggy , so the room was mostly dark , but Edward 's electric green eyes and copper hair stood out . Savagely , he took my mouth , swirling his tongue with mine . I tasted myself on his lips , the milk and juices . He must have eaten me out while I was dreaming . He placed my legs on his shoulder and continued to pound me deep into the bed . His long fingers caressed my clit with every stroke . Before long I was screaming my pleasure into his mouth as he came inside of me . Sweaty and spent , we laid together for several long minutes . He didn 't pull out , and pretty soon , I felt him swell inside me again . This time he took me slow and lovingly . As the storm grew , so did our passion . With our mouths fused together , we spilled into each other . The cracked pieces of my heart mended . Edward had come home to me , not those other bimbos . Rolling us , he fell asleep with me on top of his chest . The next time I woke up , I was alone . I would have thought the lovemaking was a dream had I not seen Edward 's note . He had business to attend to at the club and would be there most of the day . I stood up and angrily stomped to the shower . As I ran the water , I let my mind wander . What was I now , just a nice bed mate ? He 'd already missed two counseling sessions with Dr . Athenadora . It wasn 't going to help us if I was the only one attending . After letting the hot water wash away my stress and soreness , I picked out a pair of dark skinny jeans and a purple tunic to wear . Instead of going with my usual flats , I put on a pair of black ' fuck me ' boots . I also took time to curl my hair , leaving it loose and wild . Then , I added a bit of smoky eye and nude lip color . The woman in the mirror looked dangerous , sexy , and competent . Since I had a lot to do at the bookstore , Chara and Esme were going to watch Dante for the day . I ate breakfast and fed him before leaving out with Alice . She was arranging a fashion show for her boutique and wanted me and Rose to model . She wiggled her tiny nose in distaste . " No , silly . He was gone by the time I woke up . You know how he is about my clothes . I 'm sure Edward wouldn 't exactly approve of your outfit either . Your rack looks great , though . Are you wearing the La Perla pushup bra I gave you ? " Riding with Alice was always an experience . Her yellow Lamborghini stood out like a sore thumb once we hit the college area . We kept our windows cracked and guys ogled . Alice ignored them and cranked up her pop music . By the time we got to my bookstore , I was fully energized . A few college guys invited us to a frat party . We both promised that we 'd be there , giggling when they noticed our wedding rings . Inside , almost every couch and table were taken . The business was doing well . I stopped to talk to Maggie and Bree , who were working on the floor , before leading Alice to my office . Esme had decorated the whole thing , and since Dante came to work with me most days , it was more like a small apartment than an office , but I did have a huge desk . Rose was already inside , sipping coffee and waiting for us . Alice rolled her eyes and reached for her Espresso . Rose and I shared a look . Alice was naturally hyper , but with caffeine … let 's just say I didn 't envy my brother . He wouldn 't be getting any rest anytime soon . " So , " Alice said , pulling out her art portfolio , " I came up with some good sketches . I want my line to be stylish , but also accessible to the modern working woman or mother . Rose , I want you in golds , pinks , and reds . The purples and deep blues are more suited for Bella 's coloring . " I looked at the pictures she handed me . The outfits were gorgeous . I didn 't know how Edward would feel about some of them , though . Some showed a lot of breast , and others a lot of leg . The last picture was a dark blue Teddy with a matching robe . Later , Bree and Maggie brought us breakfast croissants . Alice had outfits for them , too . Bree blushed a lot , but I saw an excitement in her eyes that was far too rare . She agreed to do it as long as Riley wouldn 't be offended . Maggie , who had modeled before , was more than happy to have a new campaign . I knew that she was still hurting because of Demetri 's betrayal and I wanted to kick his ass . He didn 't deserve her . Eventually , Rose and Alice had to leave . I said goodbye to my sisters , making them promise to come over for dinner as soon as possible . We were all so busy with our businesses , husbands , and kids . Sometimes it was hard to get some real girl time . At one , I went to my private garage to get my SUV . Then , I drove to Garrett 's restaurant to pick up some lunch . He was at the front talking to a server and feeding baby Sasha . I kissed her head , taking her for a minute . He gladly let me . She was a little angel with big blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair . Her eyes flashed with recognition . Kate and I had already had several play dates between Sasha and Dante . They got along well . She was a few months older , and Dante was eager to catch up . Now that she was crawling , he wanted to do the same . It was very cute to watch . " Thank you , Bella , " Garrett said , placing her in a carrier . " Ernie is almost done with your phone in order . How have you been ? " Garrett had a poetic way with words . It was easy to see why Kate had been so attracted . Hers was the next story I was yearning to hear . She was so smart and beautiful . I still didn 't quite understand how she 'd ended up being a madame for HADES . He nodded . " I 'm just glad she 's out of the club . Edward is my friend , but Kate is my wife . I couldn 't have lived knowing she was with those other men . We 're starting fresh . " " Does it bother you sometimes ? Edward wasn 't a paid professional , but I 'd wager he has more experience than Kate . Um , I worry . " " I can 't let it get to me . When we married , I told her that I forgave her past . That means I can 't throw it in her face every time I get angry . It 's very hard , Bella , but I love her enough to try . " A few minutes later , Ernie brought out the bags of food . I kissed Garrett and Sasha goodbye before leading Ernie to my car . I knew Jane was somewhere watching me , but I was happy that she gave me space throughout the day . The drive to HADES went well . The rain stopped so the sun could finally shine a little . I felt giddy at the prospect of seeing my husband . I had on silk black underwear that I hoped he would be adding to his collection . Felix was in the garage talking to some guy when I pulled up . He opened my door and insisted on carrying my bags to the elevator . He looked really happy . I knew he and Chelsea were getting along well . After setting up , he left me in the office . Sometimes , I missed working with Edward , but it wasn 't like we ever get a lot of work done anyway . As I made my husband a plate , I thought of all the good times we 'd had here , like when he gave me that first orgasm on his office couch . Surprisingly , Edward 's office door was not only closed , but also locked . " It 's me . Open up , honey . I brought lunch . " Five minutes later , the door opened . I almost dropped the plate when I saw Gina standing on the other side . She was wearing a short red bustier dress with a tiny black jacket . Today , she had a red feather in her hair and blue stilettos . " Hello , Bella . Edward and I were just … working . I love those pictures the photographer sent over of you and Dante . Is he with you ? " " What the fuck , Bella ? I know that look . We were just working on shit . I didn 't even know the door was locked . Don 't pull this bullshit right now . And what are you wearing ? Go to the lair and change . That top is almost see - thru and those pants … Fuck ! Just change . " I crossed my arms over my chest . " I didn 't come here for a lecture . I came to bring you lunch . I think any wife would be suspicious about her husband being in a locked office with a woman like Gina . " He smirked . " You 're fucking jealous . I don 't have time for this insecurity shit . I just came home from a long business trip . You could be nicer . What happened to trust ? " Instead of getting mad or hitting him , I stood up and walked to the door . " Dante misses you . Try to spend some time with him when you get home . I know we aren 't as important as your business and employees , but surely you can give us a little attention . " He ran over , squeezing my arm until it hurt . " Why are you being a fucking nag ? I go places and see things you can 't imagine . I don 't see you complaining about the time I spend working when you 're picking out expensive shit for the dream house . Someone has to pay for all that shit . " This time I couldn 't resist ; I slapped him across the cheek . " Don 't you dare ! That whole thing was your idea ! I work too , asshole . My bookstore is doing well . I hired all the people , and my writing is taking off . You can quit and be a stay at home dad for all I care . I can support us . " He released me . " Just go , Bella . I didn 't come home to argue with you . Kiss Dante for me . I 'm spending the night here , and then I have business in San Francisco . I 'll be gone all weekend . Stop disobeying me and start dressing like my wife instead of a whore ! " After grabbing my purse , I left the building . Strangely , I didn 't feel like crying . Our marriage was crumbling , but I was becoming stronger as a woman . If Edward thought he owned me , he had another thing coming . Later that afternoon , I met with Giles at the bookstore . Like Edward , he was an extremely good looking man . More than a few women 's eyes followed as he passed . Thankfully , he was cordial and stayed strictly professional . It was nice being with Giles and going over writing ideas . Unlike Edward , he was actually interested in what I had to say . My book sales were increasing , so he was thinking of having me do a promotional tour around the US . I told him I 'd have to think about it , because I could only do it if Dante was with me . Later , I was getting ready to go home for the day when Edward walked into my office . He had a bunch of sunflowers and chocolates in his hands . Dropping them , he stalked over to where I was standing . An instant later , his lips were on mine . Part of me couldn 't help but feel he was using my body , but picturing Gina or one of the other bimbos . Sadly , I was willing to take what I could get . At least in that moment I believed Edward loved me and nothing could tear us apart . You want to kill me , I know . Please remember it 's the holidays . I have to go here so we can see how they ended up to the Prologue . Feel free to tweet or PM me your thoughts . Most of all click the button and review . I will try to update again this week . In the meantime , I 'll be under the desk with the Stoli . * Huggles * BelleDecember 23 , 2010 at 3 : 29 PMAnd so it begins . . . Donward 's a selfish prick , but I still have luv for him . . . Not as much as I have luv for Bella - - - I 'm glad she holding her own ! Luv 'd the chap ! ! ! ReplyDeleteDeborahDecember 23 , 2010 at 6 : 05 PMI wonder how long Edward is going to be a dick , because if it is a long time , I think Bella needs to do something as well . By that I mean show Edward how much of a prick he is being and showing him what he is missing . Plus in the Prologue we know that she is pregnant . Man I wish I was in your mind just to see what is going on . Update soon . ReplyDeleteabigaillove94December 23 , 2010 at 6 : 52 PMreally what were they doing in that officeReplyDeleteAnonymousDecember 23 , 2010 at 6 : 55 PMI cant wait until the next update . . . I need more ! ! ! ! Ok its the holiday so I guess I will just have to read this chapter twice . . . . ReplyDeleteMina RiveraDecember 23 , 2010 at 7 : 03 PMOMG ! My heart goes out to Bella , and Donward is behaving like an ass ! I can see how all this things just started accumulating making them reach that point int heir marriage that was on the Prologue . Great chapter ! I can 't wait for more ! xoxoMinaReplyDeleteRAH07890December 23 , 2010 at 8 : 39 PMThat was amazing : ) I really loved it so much and I really hope that even though the prologue is coming up , that they can eventually work it all out ! I loved Dante , so adorable : ) I cannot wait for more and will patiently wait for it too : ) I know how things randomly come up when you plan for other things . ReplyDeleteAnonymousDecember 24 , 2010 at 4 : 33 PMLoved the chapter but someone needs a swift kick in their family jewels . . . just sayin ' . . . I look forward to when you are able to update again . . . thanksReplyDeleteAna73December 24 , 2010 at 5 : 18 PMI am gonna really hate edward in this one i could tell . poor bella has to see her husband screw around with others , please let her be strong and not be esme and take it . great chapter , looking forward to the next . ReplyDeleteLynnDecember 25 , 2010 at 9 : 51 PMI could just punch him in the face ! I loved it thouNewer Post |
Today was all about getting ready for Ethan 's party . Normally when I get ready for an event at my home , I 'll start in the kitchen and work towards the bedrooms . Normally , I never quite get the bedrooms cleaned . This time I figured I would start in the bedrooms and work my way to the kitchen . So far this week things have been going great . The kids have been keeping their rooms picked up . Today the boys , were driving me crazy . The faster I was cleaning the faster they were pulling toys out . UGH ! ! ! Then at nap time once again the boys did not corporate . Tonight is the last ball game for our season tickets . I asked Josh if he would take the boys to the ballgame . I even called my dad to see if he would want to go and have a boys night out . My dad wasn 't able to go . Josh took the boys by himself to the game . I stayed home trying to get the house back to the same condition it was before the boys tried to destroy it . Posted by Man this morning I woke up feeling like I just pulled a double shift waiting tables in heals . It has been a few years but while I was in college I waited tables . Man it has been a long time since I 've been on my feet for the entire day . I 'm on my feet a lot but yesterday I was on my feet from 10 : 00am till almost one o ' clock this morning . I thought my legs were going to fall of today . Thank goodness Korri came over to help . First we started off at the library . The boys picked up more Winnie - the - Pooh videos . While the boys napped Korri and I put together the goodie bags . I 'm so excited my sister is coming in town this morning . My mom doesn 't feel comfortable driving to DFW airport . My mom came over at 8 : 00am so she could ride with me to pick up Tam . When we got to the airport Ethan went running up to Tam . Preston started to run also but he got distracted by the conveyor belt . On the way back to my home we stopped at McDonald 's for a quick breakfast while we wait for the mall to open . Once it opened , the kids lasted about thirty minutes before they were driving me crazy . Going Bonkers is right next to the mall , and we have a three month pass . The boys would have a lot more fun getting to run around then sitting in a stroller . For an hour , the boys had a great time but they were asking to go get Nana and Aunt Monkey . Then we hit a couple more stores and lunch . We got the boys home and taking naps . I made a quick run to the store so that I could start working on the cakes for Ethan 's party . Nope that wasn 't a typo . I baked four sheet cakes and a 3D cake . Two of the sheet cakes got made into cake balls . Two more were made into a pirate boat . With the scrapes also made into cake balls . I forgot to tap the air bubbles out of the 3D cake so when I took it out the front fell off . I tried to save it when I frosted the cake but the more I tried to frost the worst the face fell apart . It got to the point of no return and I ended up having to toss the cake and start over . Since it was past midnight I figured the second cake could wait for another day . As soon as I opened my eyes this morning I realized this was going to be a very strange day . My next thought was is it to early to get my kids in to therapy ? Why are these my first thoughts before I even turn my head ? Because the first thing I saw was a skeleton right where Josh sleeps . The kids were playing with bones on my bed . Yep , it is going to be a very strange day . The boys are just so fascinated by the skeletons and what bones are what . I figured that I would make that be mommy school today . After a quick Google search I was able to find a detailed description about bones . Then I found a website education . com that has a bunch of free worksheets . The kids weren 't interested int the coloring sheet I printed off for them . Instead the loved the " blue print " , which was a skeleton that was labeled . I 'm glad they boys are so curious . The day wasn 't so strange after all . Between the boys playing with bones that are for Ethan 's pirate themed birthday party . Ethan did some computer games . Preston did some workbooks . I guess mommy school is in full swing . Posted by Today was the first day of school for Frisco ISD . That means most preschools also started today . Not my kids because I suck as a parent and haven 't found a school yet . Today I did a little mommy school . Ethan was tearing up the software . I tried to work with Preston but Ethan would jump in and answer the question . Ethan needs to be in preschool so that I can work with Preston . It is really annoying when I talk to the preschool people and they are like , Oh your child will learn their letters sounds , be able to count to 10 , blah , blah , blah . My child already knows all of that . Even the preschool on the top of our list I think he will be bored in just a few weeks . I 'm not saying that Ethan is a genius . We were preparing him to be in a private kindergarten this year . The only school that we found that I think would challenge him is more expensive and is a full five day program . I think we are going to have to expand our search radius . Then again Mother Goose Time has added extended math and reading . That would defeat the social aspect that I 'm wanting Ethan to have . I 'm thinking about getting the Mother Goose Preschool curriculum for Preston anyways . Because I 'm not stressing myself out enough . Tonight is the last night of mini - cirque fit classes . I had the boys make cards for the coaches . Starting in a couple of weeks Ethan is moving up to kid Cirque fit class . Preston isn 't going to be able to attend class for at least a year maybe two years . The boys working hard . No matter what I think I need to work on Ethan 's penmanship a lot more . If you need translation , it says , " Thank you for being a great teacher . Love Ethan V . " Without lines on the paper he had a hard time trying to keep that letters in a straight line . Posted by Yesterday I failed to mention that we went to sign Ethan up for preschool and found the class was canceled because they didn 't have enough sign ups . Well crap on a stick . School starts tomorrow and Ethan isn 't enrolled anywhere . We have a plan " B " but it just doesn 't feel right . I don 't really know what we are going to do . Another shocker , I suck and calendar . Actually I had the date correct just the wrong time . A couple of weeks go during tennis camp a couple of moms decided to get together today so our kids could practice . We arrived an hour early . At least we were early and not late for a change . Once the other kids showed up , tennis practice lasted for 20 - 30 minutes . Then all the kids wanted to play in the playground . One of the kids let us know they were tired by laying down in the sand . Once we looked at the clock I realized that we had been there for almost three hour . After a quick lunch the boys went down for naps . Okay Preston took a nap and Ethan messed around in his bed . Josh and I kicked it into high gear and started our to do list . We were only two hours behind schedule . Thank goodness my parents come over to help out right after the kids woke up . They were able to watch the kids while Josh and I were taking care of things around the house . Then we headed to dinner . They were super excited to check out the Tex - Mex restaurant that I swear is like the one we used to love . When we pulled up the parking lot was empty . We realized that it is closed on Sundays . Josh suggested we try another Tex - Mex place that just opened up . I don 't even know the name of the restaurant . I tried their chimichanga and it was good but it just wasn 't the one that I really wanted . On the way back home , mom om was asked what the plan was when they got back to our house . That is when I announce the clean bedroom contest . Team Nana and Ethan vs . Team Papa and Preston . Ethan and Nana spent most the time arguing . Ethan didn 't like where Nana was putting his toys . Nana didn 't like that Ethan kept pulling everything back out . Gee I have not idea what Ethan 's room always looks like a tornado just hit it . After Preston and Papa got their room cleaned up first , Ethan was finally willing to work with Nana . Posted by Our schedule has been crazy busy lately . Our small family birthday for Ethan has grown to about 30 people . I have less than two weeks to get the whole thing together . Other than shopping the other day with my mom I haven 't really had a chance to do anything for the party . Okay I 've been on Pinterest to get some ideas . This morning , we have plans to meet some friends to go swimming and working out . This evening we are going to The French Room . The weather had us change our swimming plans . I used our extra time to freak out about everything that has to be done before the party . After the freak out , it was time to start hunting dust bunnies . While the kids napped , Josh headed to the hardware store to pick up a few items for the party . Once he got home it was time to start getting ready for dinner . We went to the French Room last year during restaurant week . Josh also took me to the French Room for Valentines Day this year . When we got there we could tell all of the first timers because they were taking pictures of everything . I decided that we wouldn 't take pictures of the food . I started off with the Jumbo Crab cake . Every bite just melted in my mouth . Because I was savoring every bite I took the longest to finish the first course . The next course Jen had ordered the Beef Tenderloin . After she took her first bite , she informed Mark that she was getting a divorce and marrying the meat . I was enjoying my chicken . It was the best chicken that I 've had this Restaurant Week . This time Jen was the one savoring every bite . The desserts were all amazing . I can 't say enough good things about dinner tonight . As we walked into the house , Josh and I heard Ethan ask if they were in trouble . Um , it is an hour and half past their bedtime . Someone is in trouble ! Okay this might actually be my fault . I did pay tonight 's babysitters with pizza . It was expensive pizza ! Of course the kids were asking when the babysitters would get to watch them again . I guess we will see them again tomorrow , when we have dinner with Nana and Papa . I guess that it one disadvantage about the grandparents watching the kids they can break the rules . Posted by I think Ethan and Preston have taken cranky pills . I 'm surprised I have any hair left . I 'm about ready to pull it all out . Any thing and everything has been a fight today . I 'm trying to do laundry and Preston wants to be held . Then starts screaming and crying because I tell him no . I tell Ethan to put on his shoes so we can return a book to the library and check out some new ones . He screams no and starts throwing a fit . Thank goodness Korri was here so she could help carry the little monsters . I tried bribing the kids with a trip to the park if would listen . On the way home Ethan asked if we were going ? Then nap time came . I heard a ton of racket from the boys rooms . I was expecting to see Ethan messing around . Instead , Preston had crawled under his bed and refused to come out . How did you fit under there ? Thank goodness after naps they weren 't nearly as crabby . Ethan was picking on Preston . Once I told Ethan that if he wanted to play his computer games he needed to start talking nicer to everyone . Ethan seemed to really start trying to be nice to Preston . Tonight was another Restaurant Week dinner . I know I 've been talking about Restaurant Week for like a month already . Tonight 's dinner was at another local place that none of us had been to before . The reviews on Yelp . com were mixed . Going into tonight I was having fears of reliving our experience of our first dinner for Restaurant Week . My parents arrived first . Then Josh and I came waltzing in . Mark and Jen arrived on time . Bread was brought out before we even ordered and we know that this was going to be better than the other steak place we tried . It is sad that our new standard is , " Oh this is so much better than restaurant 1 " . We had coupons for the Central Market fourth course . This is the first time my parents had the fourth course . I wasn 't thinking and didn 't take a picture of the appetizer . It was Crab & Artichoke Fritters . Josh hates is revolted by crab meat , but he even liked the fritters . Next up was the salad course . I thought I would branch out and try Beef Carpaccio . Basically it was a meat salad with some lettuce on top . I thought it was very yummy . I don 't know how I manage to keep messing things up . We were invited to a going back to school party . It was at a park that the mom 's group goes to fairly often . I forgot there is also a splash pad at the park . I didn 't bring bathing suits . By the time I was able to get the boys out of playing in the sand there wasn 't enough time to get the bathing suits and come back . I 'm embarrassed to admit this but I let the kids take of their shirts and play in the water with their shorts on . Yep , I felt high class . When we got home the boys crawled onto the couch and told me they didn 't need to take a nap today . Really ? Ethan was to tired to walk to his bed . Once I got him into bed he informed me that he didn 't need to rest . The little toot wouldn 't stop moving so he would stay awake . I made him lay down in my room , then he had the nerve to complain that my working ( putting laundry away ) was keeping him awake . Fine I laid down with him . Ethan when right to sleep . Just as I was getting up to finish putting the laundry way . Preston woke up . Gee I wonder why I don 't ever get more done . Seriously I had a whole five minutes to myself . I bribed Ethan with some alone time if he behaved during cirque class on Monday . I also wanted to have some one on one time before Ethan starts " school " . I figure that Preston and I are going to plenty of alone time once school starts . Oh my goodness this morning started off like a bad joke . Seriously , the kids were fighting , doorbell ringing , house phone ringing , and cellphone ringing . The only thing I didn 't have going was a dog barking only because we don 't have one ! It was after ten o ' clock before I could even start trying to have breakfast . Basically I got a muffin out and every time I ran past it I pulled a bite or two off . Then at 10 : 30 everything finally settled down and I was able to caught my breath . I realized that things were too quite . Preston was playing with his train set . Ethan ? ? Where was Ethan ? ? Last time he was this quite he was busy smearing poo all over the bathroom walls . Needless to say I went into panic mode . Turns out the reason he was being so quite was he had taken several Legos out of the living room into his room . After breathing a HUGE sigh of relief . I told him to carry on . He wanted me to stay and play but I explained I 'm a hungry girl and asked if he wanted a snack . It was a brief snack time then the boys returned to fighting and screaming . Why are the boys so loud today ? ? Just because Josh came and left three times before actually leaving for work , and the guy who sprays the weeds was here , and the air conditioning repair guy . The phone kept ringing . Now I 'm getting calls for some pizza place that isn 't paying its bills . At least their collectors haven 't started yelling at me and telling me that I really do know the deadbeat that gave out my number . Trust me if I knew who Latasha Rivers was and how to get a hold of her , I would gladly give out her information to anyone who wanted it and then some . I think I would take out a billboard at this point with her telephone number on it and I still don 't think she would have all the harassing calls that I 've received because of her . Wow I 'm apparently a little bitter that she KEEPS giving out my home number to anyone she owes money to . Now I have a pizza place doing the same thing . I do think my favorite call is from the water company in Pennsylvania trying to collect from someone . I 'm in Texas I don 't think I 've been using your water . Ethan 's birthday had turned from just us to , the usual birthday group , then I 've invited a couple of his close friends . Now I think there are about thirty confirmed and I 've done zero planning because this all happened since Friday . Ethan won 't make up his mind about what kind of party he wants . I told him this morning he had to pick one thing and only one thing . Finally he decided he wanted a pirate themed party . O - kay ? I don 't know where the pirate party is coming from but it is what he wants . When my mom called to say she was on the way over to help shop for his party , I panicked and turned to pinterest . com for ideas . If you follow me on pinterest and wondered why I pinned a bunch of pirate party ideas in less than an hour the world just got a little clearer for you . Once my mom arrived we headed straight for food ! I had a couple of free four piece chicken nuggets coupons from Chick - fil - a that are about to expire . I can 't let free food go to waste ! Especially since it is a reward for their reading logs . They have been bugging me to go . I swear the place was full of kids that had the same volume problem my kids had today . I don 't know if something is just in the air or what is going on . After we were done eating the boys tried to play in the play ground . That lasted for about five minutes . Ethan started crying because it was so loud . Some kid wanted to use Preston as a punching bag . We were out of there . Next up was Garden Ridge . Which is basically the Wal - Mart of home decor . I figured was a great place to find cheap decorations for party . We found some chest that I think will make perfect treasure chest . After circling the store twice and not finding much more for the party we were about to leave when I saw a inflatable pirate ship with skeleton pirates on it . It was in the Halloween section which we hadn 't really looked at . Turns out the inflatable was way more than what I wanted to spend , but I found a lot of skeletons . Man why didn 't I think of that the first couple of times around the store ? I was actually worried they might be to scary for the boys . I was wrong ! The boys thought the skeletons and bones were the coolest thing ever ! ( Note to self : Increase the monthly saving account for future therapy ) . My mom and I wanted to scope out Toy R Us to see what things Ethan would be interested in getting . If Ethan had his way ; he would take the entire store home with him . Then we got to the bikes , Ethan was testing out the different bikes and he found one the LOVED . He was getting around so well on the bike that I could hardly keep up with him . Yes Ethan did get a bike a couple of years ago , but it is time for him to get a bigger bike . My car was already full of decorations so I didn 't have room for the bike . Also we didn 't want to buy his presents while he was with us . Once we left the store I realized that it was almost time for Josh to come . Prefect he could watch the boys and we could go back to Toys R us and get the bike . After we dropped the kids off we headed to a Toys R Us that was a lot closer . Their bikes were really picked over because they are on sale this week . We had to return to the Toys R Us that we were at earlier . * sigh * I feel like I spent the entire day in Toy R Us ! ! Thankfully the first store still had the bike when we returned . Last week , I was told the kids Cirque Fit classes wouldn 't continue after this month . On Saturday , I got a message that things changed . Turns out that the five and up class will continue ! I 'm so excited that at least Ethan is going to get to continue with his cirque classes . I LOVE food and so does my family . Josh and I are returning to cooking low fat , low sodium food for my parents on Sunday . This morning we went to Central Market to pick up what we needed for dinner . Our list was carrots , cauliflower , asparagus , and chicken . We ended up picking up a lot more items than what was on our list . My favorite thing about the store is the kids table where you can get fresh fruit for the kids for . 25 cents . Ethan picked an apple and Preston wanted raisins . We got to my parent 's home later than what we wanted . They had already had sandwiches by the time we got there . Since the boys snacked at the store they didn 't want to eat lunch at first but once they started I didn 't think they would stop . At least Ethan was pigging out on fresh fruit . When we were at the store , I told Ethan that he was going to have to share the fruit with Papa . When I started to bring the fruit to the table , Ethan went and got Papa and told him that he needed to come to the table . Once Papa was in the kitchen Ethan told my dad that he was sharing the fruit with him . Today I 'm kind of taking a day off from my life . After a morning work out it was time for me to get ready and heady out . I was one of the hostess for a friend 's baby shower . The shower was beautiful . The mom to be was just glowing . When I got home nobody was home . I tried to call Josh and the phone rang in the same room I was standing . Seriously ? ? ? Talk about phone fail . I took the time to freshen up and start doing some cleaning up . Then the boys returned . Turns out they left to pick up dinner . Our dinner reservations weren 't till 9 : 30 so Josh and I ate a slice of pizza to tied us over till our real dinner . We also had heard the severing sizes were tiny and people left hungry last year . I didn 't realize that I was actually nervous about our second restaurant week dinner especially after what happened at our first one , apparently so was Jen . Tonight 's dinner was at Wolfgang Puck 's restaurant five sixty . At the top of Reunion tower in downtown Dallas . I think I was in elementary school the last time I was up in Reunion tower . For us suburbanites it is the ball in the sky . Via the City of Dallas website . I figured that even if the dinner was a flop the views would be amazing . I had forgotten that the floor rotates . It was a very strange feeling to be moving but yet still . Once we received our appetizers we let out a collective sigh of relief . We ordered a fourth course and side items because my parents went last year and said the portion sizes were small . Stir - Fried Shanghai Noodles , Gulf Prawn , Scallion Spicy Black Bean Glaze We were pleased with the portion sizes . I actually had a hard time finishing my plate but thank goodness Josh was up for the task . Every course that came out was better than the one before it . I can not say enough good things about five sixty ! It was an amazing food , amazing service , amazing views , and amazing friends . When we got home it was after midnight . The babysitter that we were trying out for the first time did an amazing job . Then again Preston was already tucked into bed , but she did read Ethan his bedtime story and put him in bed . What amazed us was she picked up all of the kids toys in the family room . After she left I think the world exploded . Preston came out of his room saying that he needed to go potty . When I picked him up he was already wet . Ugh . I quickly changed out of my dress into pajamas . While I was getting the sheets changed on Preston 's bed . Ethan came walking in . Ethan ran off . Preston kept falling asleep on the floor while I was finishing up . Once I got him in bed he told me that he needed more stuff in his bed . Once he finally had all of his blankets and toys in their proper place on his bed he feel back asleep . After verifying that Ethan did return to be and went back to sleep . I gathered the dirty laundry . When I walked past Josh he asked what just happened . I explained that there was a zombie apocalypse . Ethan , Preston , and I were able to defeat the zombies with tactical strategies that would have made the Navy Seals jealous . Or that is what I would have explained if it wasn 't the middle of the night and I was dog tired . I think in reality I grunted something about headed to bed and hating Josh for his ability to use the restroom without any interruptions . Posted by Today is the last day of tennis camp . Actually of all camps . I have ONE week to find Ethan a preschool . The place that I was absolutely in love with didn 't have any kids enrolled . Um , the reason Ethan is doing preschool is for the social aspect and why hasn 't any one enrolled yet ? ? ? I guess that school just dropped down the list . My other favorite school is a full time program and is more than our house payment . We could tighten our belts for nine months but is it really worth it ? Where did the summer go ? ? ? Then again our dog days of summer have been packed full with activities . Just look at today . We had tennis class , we were going to go swimming but the boys were not listening so I nixed that idea . Then we meet up with a mom from the mom 's group a yogurt place . Afterwords she came over with her son and hung out till Josh came home . Josh changed clothes and we were out the door again . This time to Frisco Fire Safety Town for Family Night . Mom this boot is to big . This was the only Friday night that we could go the family night . They had a ton of activities . Not only do they go over bike safety . They also teach kids about calling 9 - 1 - 1 , what to if there is a tornado , and in a fire . Next year the boys will be a better age to really appreciate the lessons that were being taught . Posted by I started my day off by moving very slowly . I think if I was in a race with a sloth , and a turtle , I would have been in last place . I just wasn 't feeling all that great this morning . The boys were really excited because today was the bike ride at the Frisco Fire Safety Town . A least I had a little foresight and asked Korri if she would join us . When she arrived I just couldn 't get my act together . We also were planning to meet up the mom 's group at the splash park afterwords . The weather looked like the skies were about to open up . Korri said that it sprinkled on her on her way over to my house . * sigh * I looked at Weather . com and it was showing that we were about to get some rainfall . The rain never came . That isn 't true about five hours later it sprinkled for about five minutes . Good think I checked the calender after the kids got up from their naps because we have tickets to a baseball game . The boys were super excited about going . We had dinner at the ballpark , then the boys played in the playground . We returned to our seats watched a couple of innings . Then headed home . The boys kept saying they were tired . Josh and I didn 't see any reason to force the kids to stay up late , especially when they have to be up early tomorrow . Posted by Well that was disappointing . This week kicked off restaurant preview week . I guess I should start by explaining what is restaurant week . It started off by several local restaurants coming together to help raise money for the local food banks . What it means to me , being able to get three course meals at places that I can 't normally afford to eat at . This year Josh and I really wanted to support a local restaurant . I was really hoping to find a nice special occasion place that was close to home . Our waiter seemed a little overwhelmed when we first arrived . Okay that happens sometimes . I waited tables for over six years at three different places . Generally , I 'm fairly laid back about slow service especially when the restaurant is busier than normal . When we asked questions about the menu the server didn 't answer our questions unless we really pushed . When the appetizer came out Jen 's horseradish sauce didn 't come out with the meal . Even after she reminded the server when he checked on us it wasn 't till just before our salads came out that she received the sauce . When it did come out it was almost all horseradish and very little sour cream . When I worked at a steak place we would use a three parts sour cream to one part horseradish ratio . I think they used a one to one ratio which caused the horseradish sauce to overpowered her appetizer . The soup and salad course was okay . Jen order a blue cheese wedge and it was drowned in a gallon of blue cheese . Mark ordered the turtle soup . None of us have had turtle soup before so we didn 't really have anything to compare it to . Josh and I had house salads they were fine . Then again can you really screw up a handful of iceberg lettuce , cherry tomatoes , croutons , and dressing . Next up was the main course . I was the only one who didn 't order 12 ounce Rib - eye Steak cooked medium . I thought the Chicken Piccata with a Lemon , Cream Sauce served with Angel Hair Pasta sounded really good . My dish tasted like really bad Chinese take out , okay that isn 't fair . It was worst than bad Chinese take out . The steaks were over cooked and dry . Mark didn 't finish his steak because his jaw was getting sore from chewing . The worst part was we all had empty drinks so nobody could wash down the tough chewy food . While we were waiting for dessert , the owner walked over and asked how things were going . We said a half hearted okay but he could tell we weren 't happy . We finally told him that we were not happy and why in the nicest way we could . He apologized and comped our food and our drinks finally got refilled . Finally dessert came out I ordered the chocolate mouse and was very happy . Josh had Creme Brule and loved it . Jen ordered Bread Pudding and it was okay . Mark ordered New Your Cheesecake . The strawberries on top looked like they were frozen , microwaved , and then stored in the fridge . The cheesecake was falling apart . Then we tasted it , I think Josh summed it up the best by saying , " I don 't understand that flavor " . The cake was very tart and wasn 't the normal cheesecake consistency . It had a very strong lemon taste . I was so glad that we didn 't have to rush anywhere this morning . The kids were happy that we could take our time getting ready . Ethan wanted to do an art project . He even got his art smock and put it on . He didn 't want to do a " normal " art project in the kitchen but one in his bedroom . Ethan was asking for paint , glue , and tape . I figured that Ethan wouldn 't cause to much trouble with a little tape . I have him a roll that was almost empty . Once he ran out out I gave him some post - it notes . We didn 't have to be at the Discovery Sci - tech center till 10 : 30 today . It was actually the largest mom group gathering in a while . Then again most the moms had free kid passes from our kids summer reading logs . It was funny once Ethan found out his friend Blake was going to be there , Ethan couldn 't get there fast enough . As soon as we got in the door Ethan was off looking for his friend . Apparently , Blake 's mom was getting questions like what color shirt does Ethan have on ? So Blake would be able to recognize Ethan . A quarter till noon Blake and Ethan kept running between Blake 's mom and me to let us know they were hungry and wanted to go eat at McDonald 's . Okay boys we can go . I thought their collective heads were going to explode from excitement . While the boys were napping I got on Pintrest and found some work sheets to help get Ethan ready to go back to school . He just rocked through them and had a blast . He is getting so excited about going back to school . I guess I really need to get on the ball and get him enrolled somewhere . Last week Preston did as well as an three year old could do during tennis class especially since he wasn 't really into it . I think the only reason that Preston wanted to take the lessons was because Ethan was so excited about tennis . This week I only signed up Ethan for class and had Preston go the the fun club . Ethan did as well as any four year old does in an hour long class , but at least he was actually trying when it was his turn . After class I took Ethan to the fun club so I could work out again . I did much better today than on Saturday but still only was able to use the bike for about thirty minutes . Progress is progress . When we got home the boys ate for two hours . I was starting to think they would never stop eating . Oh man , when they are teenagers our grocery bills are seriously going to suck . Ethan is still trying to prove that he is a big boy and doesn 't need naps anymore . I made him still have quite time . Where he could sit and look at books as long as he was being quite and still . He would just about fall asleep then he would start shaking his leg or something to wake himself back up . I was worried about how he would behave in Cirque Fit classes . I figured I would try to do my yoga class . I only lasted about thirty minutes before my back just not happy . I could have kept going but I was afraid that I would do some serious damage if I continued . I watched the last of the boys class and they were more interested in messing around than listening . On the way home Ethan fell asleep . I don 't think Ethan is completely over taking naps just yet . Posted by It was nice getting to just relax and eat bon bons today . Oh wait that was the dream I had before I was jumped onto by two boys . * sigh * . I tried to just cover my head with the blanket but just resulted in the boys thinking I was playing hide and seek , so the ripped the blanket off of me . Josh came into the room to try to get the boys to leave me alone and for them to go eat breakfast . Nope the boys wanted mommy . Ugh . Fine I 'm up . Josh just looked at me and said , " Honey , I 'll get the coffee on " . I grunted out a thank you . Once I made my way into the kitchen , Josh handed me my coffee and a warm croissant . I was actually able to verbalize a real thank you this time . I think I could actually feel the caffeine working its way through my body . Recently our go to baby TV crack no longer worked ; Courious George , Wow Wow Wubbyz , Toy Story 1 , 2 , and 3 . Last night I found new baby TV crack ! Winnie the Pooh ! For the longest time we couldn 't get the boys to watch five minutes of the movie and now that is all they want . Okay . This morning I was needing calm . It was really nice Josh and I were able to sit and have breakfast together without kids interrupting every five seconds . It was nice to have a kid free conversation . We had gotten up early enough to attend church but Josh and I were both moving in slow motion . Church didn 't happen . On the way over to my parent 's home , the boys were sleepy . If the kids slept in the van they wouldn 't get their full nap time and would be cranky later . Not to mention my mom and I needed to sneak out to do a little shopping while the kids were napping . I was doing everything I could to keep the boys awake . Fortunately , I was successful and the kids were hyper once we arrived at my parent 's home . After lunch Preston took his nap like a champ . Ethan is really trying to convince us that he is a big boy and doesn 't need a nap anymore . I 'm not sure if Ethan is completely ready to give up on naps but I 'm willing to let him try for a few days . He was actually behaving very well and the men felt like they could handle him while we shopped . After dinner we headed out to the pool . At least here weren 't as many wasp this time but here was still a few . That isn 't what chased us inside this time . The clouds were getting dark and rain was on its way . Then again it was time for us to head home anyways because tomorrow is going to be another early morning . Ethan fell asleep before we left my parent 's neighborhood . I guess that is one added bonus about no naps , easier bedtime . Yesterday I realized that I didn 't have anything planned for today . In case this needs to be pointed out , I don 't do staying at home very well . I called the Frisco Athletic Center ( FAC ) to see if we could get an appointment for the kids fun club . The only time they had available was at 8 : 00am . If you are new to this blog I also don 't do mornings . Actually , if it happens before 10 : 00am I 'm not going to be fully awake without the help of a LOT of caffeine . Yesterday I also contacted Josh 's running partner to see if her family wanted to have a play date . Turns out they could meet up . I figured the day was set . After we dropped the kids off it took us fifteen minutes to get to the work out area . Man , my body was like what are you doing ? ? ? ? It has been about a year since you have gotten up early and headed to a work out . After fifteen minutes I was done . Wow , I 'm out of shape no wonder when we go out to eat and I order a soda lately the waiter has brought me diet . YUK ! ! ! I don 't know why but I can 't stand the taste . I guess it is time to start dieting and seriously start working out . Once we got back home , I was clearing off a stack of junk mail . Preston wanted to be a helper , I was handing the mail to him to take to the trash . This system was working great until , I asked him to throw a flyer about an open house for a new daycare . Preston was so excited and wanted to check out the new school . * sigh * It turns out the open house was going on right then . We loaded back up and headed out . The school looked amazing but it seems like everything is extra . When you add it all up it is the same price as Primrose . I think personally I would rather go with a tried and true program than something new . After a little down time ( like thirty minutes ) then we headed out for our play date at Going Bonkers . It was really great seeing Josh 's former running partner and her family . She has a son a two years older than Ethan and one almost a year younger . All four boys seemed to get along especially when they realized that a candy came was broken and would let the kids play for free . For some reason our kids were the only ones in the entire place that realized this . Really ? ? ? After we realized where the candy was coming from we told our kids to go play or we were going to leave . That threat lasted for a couple of hours . Then the candy started showing up again , it was time to leave . The rest of the day just dragged on , or it could have just been I was dragging . Josh was awesome and took care of the evening routine with the boys by himself . Apparently , I had fallen asleep . I think he let me sleep because it game him a chance to read a couple of hours without any interruptions . Apparently we are getting used to having to be somewhere at 9 : 00 , I just hope that once Ethan starts school that we can keep it up . This morning Preston kept saying that he didn 't want go to tennis camp today . Great , that mean during class he is going to be a handful . Once we got there he messed around while everyone was warming up . I told him that he could just stay with me on the bleachers . Once it was time to grab the rackets , Preston was ready to be apart of the class . Ethan did great the entire class . He also had a grin from ear to ear the entire time . There is another week of tennis camp that the boys can do . I think that I 'm going to sign Ethan back up and let Preston go to the fun club . At the end of class the boys got a container of tennis balls . You would have thought Ethan had gotten a Olympic gold medal . Now he wants to take his balls everywhere . Yep he had been talking about his balls and Preston 's balls all day . When we got home , Preston wanted to drive his motorcycle . I pulled out their bikes and motorized vehicles . The boys were having a blast . I realized that we haven 't really spent a lot of time in the back yard this summer . |
Emma Gentry felt like she was losing her mind . From the time she had picked up the pretty ring to examine it , she 'd been hearing a voice in her head . When she ran from the demolished building , she 'd slipped the ring on her finger so that she wouldn 't drop it , now she couldn 't get it off . She was in dire need of medical attention , but the voice wouldn 't let her stop to get help . There were others looking for the ring and would kill her for it . Emma was on the run . Kenton McCade was the doctor in the family . When found Emma in his office treating a badly infected wound on her leg , he had to help her . The infection had spread and she was near death . Kenton and his brothers were dragon shifters born without the ability to shift into their other half . The magic , it seemed , lay dormant in a sleeping dragon that was tied to six pieces of jewelry . When the ring found its way to Emma , her touch had woken the sleeping beast . When Emma touched Kenton 's sigil on his chest , he shifted to his beast for the first time . But the beast from the ring would not be complete until all the jewelry found its way to their rightful dragons . . . . " I need you to tell me what this is worth . " Emma looked up at the man that held out a little box to her . If it was in her power , Emma would gladly have punched him in the nose . But she also knew that he 'd hit her back , and it would be ten times more painful than anything she could do to him . " Now , Emma . And he said for you not to dally . He needs it now . " " So , you do it . I 'm in the middle of something else you told me to do . " She knew as well as he did that Bart could tell the worth of an item almost as well as she could . Not quite as good as she could ; practice had made her better and faster at it . But they 'd both been trained to know how to do it . " I 'm in the middle of - " She should have known better . Whenever she pointed something obvious out to her brother , he would resort to violence if he didn 't care for her answer . Which was usually all the time . Emma wondered if she 'd ever learn and doubted it . Now she found herself on the floor with her mouth bloodied and her head hurting . Not the first time for that either . He put the box on the desk , then pulled out his gun and laid it on her desk with it as if that was all he needed to make her comply . The punch to her face had done that pretty good , she thought . Emma wished she could pick the gun up and blow his fucking head off . Instead , she lifted her hurting body up and got back to her desk . Emma didn 't even bother wiping the blood off . He 'd just hit her again to show he could . Picking up the small box , she opened it . Inside was a small blue bag , tied at the top with an equally blue string . There were no markings on the bag or the box , but she knew quality when she felt it . And this bag wasn 't it . She started to ask Bart what kind of joke this was when she realized that he 'd not answer her . He 'd more than likely do what she 'd wanted to do to him and shoot her . She 'd be dead and he 'd be standing over her demanding that she get up and do what he 'd told her to do . There was no love lost between the two of them , and hadn 't been for a very long time . Dumping the contents out into her hand , she was first surprised at the weight of the ring , then at how big it was . But the ring itself was what had her holding her breath . It was simply the most beautiful thing she 'd ever seen . The work on it - and there was a great deal of it - had been done with a steady hand and an even better eye , for the art looked to her like the person who had made this loved the person who was to receive it . For a second she wondered if she would ever have someone love her that much . She looked up at Bart when he snorted at her . He looked pissed . " It 's just a band . Nothing but a damned gold band that is worth less than my fucking shoes . I wonder if it 's even gold plated . Fuckers . " She looked at the ring , then back at him as he continued . " Fucking bastard said it was worth millions . It 's not even worth the box it came in . Why the hell do I even bother with robbing people if they 're going to lie to me about what I 'm taking ? Huh ? And then to have fought so hard to " Are you kidding me ? This isn 't just a band , dumbass . This is a work of art . " She started to show him , but Bart picked up his gun and slid it back into his holster before slamming his hands down on the table , his face level with her . She leapt back from him . Which , she supposed , was what he had wanted her to do anyway . Then he laughed at her . " Don 't hurt me , Bart . Please ? I 'll tell Daddy . " " Like he gives a shit about you . I mean , look where he has you working . In the basement of a piece of shit building that has nothing to go for it but a toilet that is ten feet away . " He snorted again . " Go to him , Emma , see if I 'm not right . And when he tells you to go away , I 'm going to come back down here and blow your fucking brains out for bothering him . We have more important things to do than to listen to you whine about how badly you 're being treated . " After he left her , she put the ring back in the little bag and started working on the chains that had been tangled up when Bart had simply tossed them into a bank bag . He 'd told her when she asked him that it wasn 't his job to make sure that things were neat and tidy , that she would be out of a fucking job if he did . She estimated that she had about ten hours in untangling the chains so far and she wasn 't any closer to getting them straight than she had been before . Emma was pretty sure that he 'd done it on purpose . It was something he loved doing , making her job more difficult . Her father and brother had dumped her down here six years ago , pulling her from college and telling her that she had to earn her keep . Of course Emma hadn 't seen her father in all this time . Words , harsh and mean , had come from him via her brother . She was going to have to find another job soon . This one just wasn 't making it for her any longer . Of course , she blamed that on Bart too . He took money from her cash envelope every week , and he was taking more and more all the time . He called it a living tax . If he didn 't get it , she didn 't live . And she believed him too . The ring called to her . She knew that was silly . Rings or other things didn 't talk , but she could almost hear it telling her that it didn 't belong to her and that she needed to return it to the owner . She would love to do that , but she wasn 't going to . Not that she 'd have the chance to get out of this place with the thing . Being patted down and wanded every time she left would have made it impossible , but she knew that if found out , she 'd be dead . Emma looked over at the desk next to hers . Sebastian Logan had been her friend and co - worker , and the nicest man she 'd ever known . Polite , hardworking , and a man who had loved his family more than he did his own life . And it was what had gotten him killed . A diamond ring had been brought in a month ago . Bart , of course , had deemed it unworthy and had told her and Sebastian they could have it . She 'd thought it was pretty but thought that Sebastian could sell it for a few dollars , and knew that it would help out in their situation . His only child was sick and that money would have gone a long way in helping him . So he 'd taken the ring home to sell . " You said I could have it . You told us it was worthless and that we could have it . Tell him , Emma . Tell him he said that . " Bart , of course , denied that , and even told Emma that their father wanted to make an example of Sebastian . Bart had pulled his gun free and had killed her friend right there in front of her , despite her begging him to let it go . Blood had sprayed over her face and clothing . Bart had set Mark in front of her for the rest of the day while Sebastian was lying in his own blood , and told her that if she wiped her face he would put the blood back . But this time it would be her own . All Emma wanted to do was get out of there and be her own person . Live her life as she wanted on her own terms . As soon as she could save enough money to get away , anyway . Looking at the ring again , she wondered what would happen if she were to get it to its owner . What sort of reward would there be ? Because at the rate she was saving money , she 'd be too old to run when she did manage to get enough to go on . At ten after twelve , she pulled out her lunch . It was only a jelly sandwich ; the peanut butter had run out a few days ago . Emma wanted to cry about what her life had become , and knew that it was as set in stone as the sword was that she 'd read about so long ago . " Put that shit away . I want you to look this over . " She only glanced at the paperwork that Bart had tossed in front of her . Her lunch time was her time , not his . She 'd told him that before . Not that it mattered , but she had told him . " Now , Emma . I want to get it to Dad before the end of the day , and you fucking around is gonna make me late . " " I 'm eating . And in the event that you missed that part , I 'm entitled to have one hour for my lunch . So come back when I 'm done . " He drew his fist back and she tilted out her chin . " Hit me , and see if I don 't go home because of it . Go ahead , Bart , knock me around and you 'll never get this . " " He wants it now . " Emma took a bite of her sandwich and said nothing . " You fucking cunt . You think this is going to win you any points with me ? Who do you think is going to run this place when Dad finally kicks the bucket ? You ? Not fucking likely . " He slammed his fists on the table again , a thing he did when he wasn 't winning an argument . Well , she 'd had a shitty day so far , and right now she really did want him to hit her . She would go to her father this time . Sweeping everything off her desk in his fit of anger , he stood over her , watching . Emma reached for the little box and the ring that had fallen out of it by bending over and leaning under her desk . Just at that moment an explosion rocked the room . There wasn 't time to think , not even to wonder what Bart had done now . Emma felt it singe her arms and legs even as the ring slipped over the tip of her finger . She and the desk went flying back ; she felt it hit her several times as heat poured into the room with her . Screams filled the air … not just hers , but her brother 's as well . Then everything went black . Wake up . She felt rather than heard someone telling her to wake . The pain over her body told her that she 'd be better off just letting things fade out again , but the voice in her head … it felt like it told her again to wake up . " I hurt . " The voice , calmer now , told her that she 'd be better if she got up and moved . " I don 't think so . I think I 'm broken . " You are not broken . Not too badly , that is . Come on now , get out of this place before the others come to find you . She had no idea why that would be a bad thing when the voice spoke again . Should they find you , then all will be lost . Come on now , Emma , you must get moving . Moving will be good for us both . No one must find you here with me . " Both ? Who is here with me ? Hello ? " No answer . But then she thought there shouldn 't be because as far as she knew , there was only one of her . Giggling hurt a little , so she tried to tell herself that she really did need to move . Every time she moved something off her , there seemed to be tons more atop her . Wood and bricks . Glass surrounded her , and it seemed to be in her as well . The desk , she knew , had more than likely saved her life . Had she been sitting at it instead of nearly under it , she would have been killed . She did pause a moment to wonder if Bart had made it , but found that she really didn 't care . Bart was on his own for now . The debris was thick around her too . Papers were everywhere , most of them still smoldering . The chair that she 'd been in was a broken mess imbedded in the wall above her head . Once she cleared herself of what she could to move , Emma could see the street beyond . Whatever had blown up had taken out the five floors above her sublevel work station . Gingerly , she made her way to the opening , only to be stopped by the voice again No , no , not that way . Go to the back of the ruin . I 'll guide you . She turned then , not even sure why she was listening to the voice instead of common sense , but she was hurting too badly to argue with herself right now . There were people out there in front of her . She had no idea what she 'd find behind her . But she made her way out the way the voice told her . It seemed to take her too long to get out . Falling twice , she bumped her head again and had to lay there for a long time to let the dizziness stop . Emma was sick too , her belly not liking the way her vision kept going in and out all the time . And she knew that the long gash in her leg wasn 't good . The blood pouring from it was thick with dirt . As soon as she was out of the building , she lay back against the one across from it and looked at where she 'd been . There was no way she should have survived that , and she was sure that anyone else in the building hadn 't . Emma wondered who besides her brother and her were there , if anyone . And again , she wondered how the hell she had survived . The building had been one of the oldest downtown . At five stories , it had once been the home to a textile company that had gone under in the twenties . Her father had acquired the building , along with several more , a few years ago , and had taken this one to use as an office of sorts . It was a front , like most of her father 's businesses , Bart had told her . Emma didn 't know . Her brother never put her dad in the best picture when he talked about him . He was ruthless , a murderer , and even a thug when necessary . If he was as Bart said , he had changed a great deal since her mother had died a few years back . The building now looked like it had never been there . A deep hole - a crater , she figured it would be called - was where it had once been . Nothing had survived on either side of it either . The two buildings that were used as storage units for whatever her father had acquired were leveled . Even the one across from the building had suffered some major damage . Emma watched as the first firetruck pulled up in front of the mess . Your father is dead , I 'm afraid . She nodded at the voice , then regretted that immediately . Your brother is alive , but he is badly burned . He and another man , his bodyguard , will be pulled from the wreckage soon , but they will not mention you are here . But they will come for you now . The others will come . " Who will ? Why ? " The voice told her that it was because of him . " Him who ? I don 't know anyone . I don 't date , I 'm not allowed . I don 't even know why I have this voice talking to me . Do you ? Am I … I don 't know , am I dead too ? " You are not dead , Emma , but they come for me . And the rest of us now that I 'm awake . There will be more coming now that I 've been found . She stood up then , determined to go and see if someone could patch her up . You do and they 'll kill you where you stand . " Why ? What did I do ? This was … it was more than likely a gas explosion . " The voice told her she knew better . " No , I don 't . I don 't know a damned thing . For all I know , I could be lying there dead in that thing and this is all a dream . " I 'm not a dream , Emma Gentry . I am part of the dragon in the ring . Emma stopped moving and looked down at her hand . There it was , the ring . Just on the tip of her finger . When you slipped it upon your finger , I knew then that you were the one to carry me . The one that would take me to my owner . You will , won 't you ? Take me home to the one that awaits me ? The rest of me will follow now that I have found you . " No . In the event you didn 't notice , I 'm out of work , no money , and I don 't even know what is wrong with me that I can hear you talking to me . I 'm hurting , injured , and you won 't let me go and find someone to fix me up . " He told her that she was the one , and that he would see that she had such riches if she did this for him . " The one what ? I 'm just a woman trying to get along in this world my family brought me into . Can 't you just leave me alone ? Please ? " I can keep you safe . And if you promise to take me to my owner , I will help you in ways that you will need . I will , as I have said , make you a queen that will never have to worry for money again . I am but a part of the whole . A dragon that must be brought together with the other pieces of my set . Emma just wanted to take a nap . Forever . No , you will need to keep moving . The man that your brother stole me from , he will come for you because of the ring . He will want you dead because of the ring . " Why ? " He didn 't answer her and she realized that she 'd been asking that a lot to the unknown . " Fine . I 'm going to do this for you , but you 're going to have to do something for me . I want you to not do a damned thing for me unless it 's to guide me . I Nothing ? She told him again that she didn 't want to owe him anything when this was done . All right . But I think that you will come to regret that soon enough . She already did . Moving in the direction that he told her , she felt like she 'd broken more bones than she knew she had . While he told her that she needed to go north , Emma told him that she needed to go to her home . There she 'd get cleaned up and retrieve the last of her funds . She had no idea where she was going , but wherever it was , it wasn 't going to be a free ride . Emma thought that whoever was coming for her would think she was dead long enough for her to get out of her apartment to rid herself of the voice . Emma knew on some level that the voice was her own . There simply wasn 't any way for her to be talking to the dragon of the ring . She wanted out and this was her subconscious getting her there . So what if the world thought her dead ? She was fine with that as well . Emma Gentry was dead as far as she was concerned too , and she 'd have to come up with a name that would work . As she showered and changed , cleaning up as much of the wounds on her body that she could , Emma thought of what her life would be now . " Anything I want . " She smiled at herself and winced . The cuts on her face made even doing the simplest things hard . She did worry over the wound in her leg , but at least it was clean , and the bleeding had stopped as well … for now . As she moved out of her home , she looked around . There was nothing there , not one thing she would miss . This Emma was dead . Baldwin Franks wanted to throw something at the television but refrained . He was a man that prided himself on control . But the newsperson was not giving him the answers that he craved . He wanted to know if Bartholomew Gentry and his son had survived , not the dozens of nameless fucks that meant nothing to him . When the news anchor paused , pushing her finger to her ear , he wanted to scream at her that no one believed that she was listening to a fucking thing , but then she turned to the scene behind her . " There is news just in that Mr . Bart Gentry , Junior has been pulled from the wreckage , along with another man by the name of Whitaker . That is all that we know right now . Mr . Gentry is the son of Bartholomew Gentry , Senior , a man who owned a great many of the buildings in the downtown area . Mr . Gentry and his son have been under a great deal of scrutiny for the last several years , starting with the death of the senior Mr . Gentry 's wife , Anderson Franks Gentry , some years ago . Mr . Gentry , Senior 's body , along with five more , was pulled from the building about an hour ago , I 'm told . " Baldwin leaned back in his chair as the anchor continued about the things she had little to no real information about . Gentry Senior was dead . Baldwin thought that they both should have been dead , but was sure that the man who 'd survived , a man he 'd come to hate more than anything , would land on his feet . Or in this case , flat on his back . The sooner the entire family was dead , the happier he 'd be . They 'd killed his little girl . As the other man listened to his call , Baldwin thought of all the ways he 'd wanted to make both Gentry men suffer . There had been times when he 'd had Bart in his sights , but something would always come up . This time he knew he 'd taken drastic measures , but the man was just where he wanted him . It was way past time to kill Bart , and he was going to be the one to do it , even if he had to do it in front of a bunch of cops . When Steward hung up , he looked pale as he leaned back in his chair . Baldwin was almost afraid to ask him what it was , but wasn 't going to seem as if he cared . He not only was in control of things around him , he also never gave the appearance of caring much about it . " Apparently Emma Gentry isn 't dead , as we 'd been told , and was in the building when it blew . " Baldwin nearly screamed out his frustrations . Would this family never fucking end ? " So far they 've not found a trace of her in the number of dead , and she 's not on the injury list , either , that they can find . I don 't … someone saw her climbing out of the sublevel of the basement just as the police arrived . I have a man on it . " " How do you know it was my granddaughter and not some rat climbing out of her hole after a night of fucking whatever had a dick ? " Steward stood up and went to his briefcase . Pulling out the file that was on top , he handed it to him . " What is this ? " " I told you several days ago that there was rumor that Emma was alive and hiding out somewhere . We could never confirm nor deny that information , so you told me to keep on it . I had someone follow her and she lives … lived in a poor neighborhood that catered more to the people that her father worked with than his type of wealth . There wasn 't any reason to believe that she was this person , due to her living conditions , and I nearly tossed it away as just that , rumors . But then we got a picture of her just this morning . I forgot until just this minute that I had it . " Baldwin looked at the picture and felt his heart twist up in his chest . " They have some of her DNA that I 'm running , but so far I 've not heard back . But the girl in this picture looks like your daughter Anderson , doesn 't she ? I don 't know why she 's been hiding out the way she has , but I intend to find out . " " Yes . " Baldwin looked at the blurred picture of the woman . Even with the poor quality of the picture , he knew that it was her . " Call them up , rush it . I want to know now . " He looked at Steward when he said nothing . There was more , he just knew it , and when he got the information , his well - controlled temper was going to detonate . He told him to tell him . " The ring was in the building . " The fucking ring . The motherfucking ring was there and not where it was supposed to be . Which was with him . " Bart , the younger , took it from the courier this morning . Killed him and three other men while they were en route to us . He took not just the ring , which was the most valuable piece , but he also took the money they were bringing here . I 'm guessing that it , as well as the cash , was in the building when it went up . I 'm going to have his home searched , of course , but I 'd not hold out much hope . The kid , for all his stupidity , seemed to know just when to lay low . " " Why wasn 't I told about this before now ? " Steward told him that he 'd only just found out too . " And how do we know that it 's him ? And not some random fuck that is going to die too ? " " He left you a note . Well , not you , but the person he was robbing . " Baldwin asked him what it said . " It says thank you for the money , that he really did appreciate it , and that when you sent some more this way for him , to make sure that you made the pick - up easier , as in boxes and not suitcases . " Baldwin was happy to know that Bart had no idea what he 'd found in the ring . Few ever would , and when he had all the pieces , he 'd be the wealthiest and the strongest man in the world . He had only to find all six pieces to make that happen . " Kill him . " Steward nodded and asked about the girl . " Her too . If she is Gentry 's daughter , then she 's just as guilty for killing my daughter as the rest of them . " No witnesses were the only way to ensure that he got what he wanted in this . It hurt him to say that , almost as much as it had when he 'd been told that his lovely little girl , Anderson , had been killed when they 'd thought she was her husband in the car . But the entire family needed to be purged from the earth , and if he had to murder his own flesh and blood to do so , then he would . When Steward left him , Baldwin picked up the picture again and looked at it . It was as if he were looking at his little girl again before she 'd been pulled into the life of crime with her husband . Anderson had been … well , willful didn 't begin to cover what his little girl had been . She had a mind of her own , and damn the person that had any other opinion than hers . Even he had butted heads with her from time to time , and had , in the end , decided that it was easier to give in than to fight with her . That was how she 'd ended up married to his worst enemy . Bartholomew had been a thorn in his side then , and had been placed on his list of ones who needed to die when his daughter had called him from the accident she 'd been in that night so long ago . " Someone hit me . I think … I 'm hurt badly . " He asked her who 'd done it , his mind not fully awake when the call had come to his home in the middle of the night . " Bartholomew . Help me . I don 't know yet what 's going on , but I don 't want to die . " Royce The Hunter Series Chapter 11 is ready to read Chapter 11 Daniel put down the phone and leaned back in his chair . Royce was going to be a father . Daniel had not seen that one coming . . . |
The northern areas of Pakistan have some of the most beautiful scenery in the world . Three of the highest mountain ranges - the Himalaya , the Hindukush , and the Karakoram - run through the area . K2 , the second highest mountain in the world , is here . There are 3 cities in the northern areas ( Chitral , Skardu , and Gilgit ) that are serviced by commercial flights . The flights run daily , but they are notorious for being cancelled due to weather . As such , tickets are only issued one afternoon in advance for these flights . Any time a flight is cancelled , all the people who are bumped have priority for getting tickets on the next day 's flight . Trying to get a seat after a day or two of cancellations can be a losing battle . Anyhow , it 's no cakewalk flying up north . In the past year , I had one unsuccessful attempt at Skardu and three at Gilgit . For our second try , the flight time was 6 : 45 in the morning , and after a late Friday night all - around , it was a wonder that the three of us managed to wake up in time for our pick - ups at 5 : 30 . On the way to the airport , things were not looking good . The sky was completely overcast , and Rachael and Colin were convinced we wouldn 't fly . I knew we would , just because they were writing it off . The planes they use for the northern area routes are Fokker prop planes . Supposedly some seats are left empty so as to keep the weight down and help with the lift in the mountains . The flight to Gilgit threads through the mountains , and it is done mostly without instruments . It is said to be one of the most , if not the most , dangerous commercial flight segments in the world ( terrorism aside ) . Anyway , conditions have to be practically perfect for the flight to go , which explains why it is cancelled so often . The flight takes an hour , and the whole ride Colin and I were glued to the windows . The scenery was awesome . The further we got from Islamabad , the higher the mountains got and the deeper the valleys got . The landscape was such that if the plane crashed you 'd probably be better off dying . If the Pakistani rescue crews could locate the wreckage in the first place , accessing it would be very difficult . A plane did crash a few years back , as a matter of fact , and the wreckage was never found . Meanwhile , Rachael was busy building bridges with the Pakistani . His name was Mustafa , and he took the flight to Gilgit frequently . He was a Pakistani customs agent , and his family lived in the Gilgit area . He invited Rachael to have tea with him once we landed . Some of our colleagues had also been trying to get to Gilgit . On our earlier failed attempt , we didn 't get tickets . This other group did get tickets that weekend , but their flight was cancelled anyway . This weekend , the other group opted not to even try because the weather forecast didn 't look good to them and they were sure the flight wouldn 't go . As we set down in Gilgit , we couldn 't help but pity them and their foolish reliance on the forecast . We deplaned , got our bags , registered as foreigners , and left the airport . Outside , we looked for Mustafa , seeing as how he had offered tea . He had bolted . We think that when he was offering tea to Rachael he hadn 't realized that she was traveling with Colin and I , so when he saw us with her , he left . There was a small cluster of tour guides and taxi drivers waiting around the airport parking lot for the people to come out , especially the tourists . After discussing where we wanted to go , and how much money they wanted , we decided to go with a team of two guides , Sultan and Ejaz . They drove us back to the travel company they worked for , which was owned by another Sultan . Sultan , the travel company owner , was an interesting guy . He was a Gilgiti man married to a Japanese woman , and he was fluent in Urdu , English , Korean , and Japanese , not to mention some of the local Pakistani languages and dialects . What 's more , his Japanese and Korean even had the correct accents , and his Japanese and Korean clients would often be shocked to meet him in person after having spoken with him on the phone . Colin had spent a lot of time in Asia and with Asian people , and he was impressed . Sultan , the travel company owner , was also a businessman , and he seemed a little shifty and oily . To differentiate between him and Sultan the guide , we started calling the first one Sultan the Snake , and the latter , Sultan the Weasel . These nicknames came about later in the trip , but for the purposes of this story , it 's easier to just use them from the get - go . Before long , we went outside to our car . We were getting the " special Jeep " . It was actually a jeep that had been bought in the States , converted to right - hand drive and stretched . It was light blue , and it rocked . We wanted the top down , so Colin told the travel guys . They balked at first , telling us how hot it was , and how the top would be more comfortable since it would block the sun . We were the customers , though , and we wouldn 't hear any of it . The top came down . Besides , Rachael had sunblock that she shared . Our first excursion would be to Hunza , several hours north . Sultan the Weasel ended up as our guide on this trip , and a guy named Wali was our driver . We all loaded up , Rachael and Wali up front , the rest of us in the back . Colin and I took the outer seats and Sultan took the middle . The middle had the best padding and was like the seat of honor , so Sultan kept trying to get Colin and me to trade with him . We let him stay in the middle . The cool factor of sitting on the outside seats was more important than comfort . As we were driving through town , we got plenty of looks . All of us were dressed like locals , and Colin and I had started growing beards , but we were still clearly foreigners . The beards were more for novelty than anything else , at least for me . Unfortunately , I had recently shaved due to some girlfriend nagging , so I only had a 1 - week beard which looked paltry in comparison to Colin 's 3 - weeker . We made a quick stop in town for some Gilgiti hats . The prices were pretty steep ( by Pakistani standards ) , so I opted to wait and get one later . Colin bought one here , a camel - hair model . Rachael bought some jewelry at a neighboring shop . Just outside of town , we came to a bridge . It was a one lane wooden suspension - type deal that could only accommodate one car at a time . We stopped and stood up through the open jeep top to photograph - safari style . Then we drove down to the end of the bridge . Once there were no more cars coming our direction , we drove across . The water below in the river , like most of the rivers we would see , was roiling and completely brown from all the silt it was carrying down from the glaciers . Maybe someday , I can return and go rafting . The other side of the bridge ended by going into a rock face . There was this cool tunnel that kind of cork - screwed up and out of the rock . It was like a Disney ride . After the tunnel , we cruised on down the famous Karakoram Highway . The Gilgit area is surrounded by neat mountains , but the farther north we got , the neater the mountains got . We were so fascinated , we kept snapping away at mountains way in the distance . Sultan told us that we would be getting closer and the view would be much better , so we should wait to take pictures . Along the way , we passed by a rickety suspension bridge . It consisted of several thick cables stretched across the river ( which was again vicious and brown ) with wooden planks lashed across them . ( Rachael took to calling it the Shrek bridge , but I haven 't seen that movie , so the connection was lost on me . ) There were two cables set up as handrails on either side of the bridge . One side was tight and waist - high all the way across . The other side was sagging . It dropped almost all the way away at the center of the bridge . We stopped the jeep on the road and looked down at the bridge . Sultan asked if we wanted to go , and , of course , we did . Three little boys were hanging out at this spot in the road , so they watched as we clambered down the rocks to the bridge . I was the first one to reach the bridge , and I started out . I got about halfway across , and the rushing water , the sagging handrail , and the uneven boards were starting to freak me out a touch . I posed for a photo and came back . Like I told Colin and Rachael , I could have crossed all the way if I had to , but I wasn 't going to do it just for the sake of doing it . Call me a chicken if you must . After I came back , Colin , Rachael , and Sultan walked out . After posing in the center , Rachael came back , and Colin and Sultan crossed . Sultan himself was looking pretty nervous , but he felt compelled to follow once Colin decided to go all the way . They came back after a moment or two , and we were on the road again . The road was two lane for the most part , with a large rock face on one side and a drop on the other . Wali was flying . After a bit , we came to the base of Rakaposhi . At 7 , 790 meters ( 25 , 551 feet ) , it 's the ninth highest mountain in Pakistan . There was a small rest area there - with a small restaurant and a few shops . The view was excellent . Wali and Sultan disappeared and had tea while the rest of us polished off some cokes and water and waited for them to finish . There was a nice river rushing by . We stayed at the Hunza Baltit Inn , which was located in Karimabad . The rooms were basic , but nice , and cheap . The view was world - class . The town sits in a valley surrounded by jaggedy mountains , many snow - capped . One sharp mountain there was called Lady Finger . It had only been summitted once or twice ever , and many climbers had died trying . According to Sultan , Japanese climbers had fared especially bad on Lady Finger . There was a group of Italian climbers at the hotel , but we didn 't know what they were going to climb . We dropped our gear at the hotel and went out for lunch . Karimabad is a small place , so we could easily walk to the main street where all the shops and restaurants were located . The first place Sultan took us had a typical Pakistani restaurant menu which included the usual food categories - Chinese , steak , Italian , Pakistani , and sandwiches . I don 't know why , but almost every restaurant here follows the same pattern . The waiter brought out a menu , and we decided on a multi - course fixed - price meal . After a lot of discussion with the waiter , Sultan told us that this particular meal required a minimum of ten diners , and we only had four . We understood , so we started ordering individual dishes . We would point out what we wanted to the waiter from the menu and he would write it down . It was going fine . Then Sultan happened . He got into a huge discussion , sometimes hostile sounding , with the waiter . Colin , Rachael , and I were starving , and this nonsense was wearing on our nerves . After literally like 10 minutes of this , we were all pretty pissed off . We couldn 't tell what was going on because they were speaking a local language , not Urdu , and whenever we would ask Sultan what the problem was , he 'd tell us some dumb problem that meant nothing to us , or he 'd ignore us - seeing as how he was so engrossed with the waiter . Assuming that Sultan was arguing over the price , Rachael piped up , and I quote , " Money is no object - just bring us some food ! " Colin and I were rolling . Money is no object ? It was clearly the starvation talking , but she couldn 't have sounded more like the rich , arrogant American if she tried . We gave her a healthy mocking . All through the town , there were stone ditches flowing with glacial water . The water was so laden with minerals it was incredible . It was silvery - gray , and it had a strange , shiny optic quality to it like shampoo . People would dip cups straight into this water and drink it . I was curious to try it , but opted not to in the end . As we were walking , we checked out the shops . In the Northern Areas , they know the value of tourist dollars . Everywhere we went , including Gilgit and Karimabad , the same handicrafts and things that were sold in Islamabad cost 2 to 3 times as much in the Northern Areas , and the merchants were stiff on the bargaining . Even knowing that the handicrafts were made in the north and not in Islamabad , I couldn 't bring myself to pay the higher prices . I figured I could buy whatever I wanted later , if I were so inclined . I did , however , find a Gilgiti hat at a cheaper price than in Gilgit , so I bought that . Now 's probably as good a time as any to mention that all of us had forgotten important things on this trip . I brought a brand new digital camera . I basically took it straight out of the box and didn 't charge the battery . What 's worse , I didn 't bring the charger and it could not use normal batteries . So , I had very little battery time on my camera . Rachael 's batteries weren 't rechargeable , but her camera needed a special type of disposable battery . She didn 't bring extras , and her camera actually croaked out before mine . So , Colin was the only one with a working camera for the duration of the trip . Rachael and Colin also both forgot to bring money . Rachael had a few thousand rupees ( $ 200 tops ) , and Colin had more like $ 20 . I had $ 400 USD . Except for the larger hotels and shops , credit cards were useless . ATM cards were even more so . So , getting back to the story , we were shopping . Rachael bought some gifts for her friends , and started negotiating for a carpet . It wasn 't going well , so she decided to leave and let the sale simmer . The date was August 14 , and it was Pakistani Independence Day . As such , there was a dancing festival going on . Sultan led us over , and the show was already in progress . We told him we were fine to just watch from the back - especially since we were late . Was that acceptable ? Of course not . The show was being ushered by the Karimabad Scouts , and they insisted that we come inside to watch . There were two other foreigners there from what I could tell , but still , it was an honor for them for us to be there . While the dancing was going on , they led us over to the bleacher - type seats , on the side facing the backs of the dancers , and had us sit front and center . Unfortunately , there were already people there , so they booted them out . We felt like heels , but after all that , we couldn 't refuse to sit . We had already caused a bit of a scene with our entrance , but we weren 't through yet . After a moment , a guy came and started having a whispered discussion with Sultan . Sultan relayed to us that the problem was Rachael . She had to leave and sit in the women 's area . The dancing was going on , and I lifted my camera to take a picture . It turned out that there was an official photographer for the event , so a man came over and told Sultan that I couldn 't take pictures . I was cool with that , so I put my camera away . I used the two shots on the dance in progress , which was two boys sword dancing , and put the camera away . We were no longer causing a scene and we sat back to enjoy the show . It was a hoot . After the sword dancing , there was a dance of the old men of the village . The Hunza region is famous for the longevity of its people . It 's probably a combination of the mineraltastic glacial water , fresh air , low stress , and healthy diet . Whatever it was , there were maybe 15 of these geezers , and the oldest was 90 - something , we were told . They were decked out in fancy embroidered robes with sleeves overhanging their hands . As they were dancing , a little boy , maybe 3 or 4 years old , ran out and got in the line of men . Then he started dancing up a storm . He was doing the same dance as the old men - same arm movements , same footwork - only more lively . It was hilarious . At first some guy , maybe a relative or an event organizer , chased him away . Once the guy saw how much cheering the crowd was doing , though , he let the kid stay . The kid continued to steal the show , and people would run out of the stands and give him rupees . The crowd was going wild . After the old men , there were some musical acts . One was a guy singing and playing an instrument . One was a group of schoolgirls singing . Both were too long . Then there was a solo dance act . It was a boy who looked like he was maybe 13 years old . He was clearly well - known in the community because the people were chanting for him before he even started . He didn 't need much encouragement . He was out there jumping and shaking and jerking all around . It was excellent . After the crazy dancing boy , there was an interesting hacky - sack competition . Several young men went out into the center and they were given 2 hacky - sacks with feathers on them . Then they would each take turns seeing how many kicks they could get without dropping . The technique involved jumping up and kicking behind the back . Most of the guys got 3 or 4 kicks . Then toward the end , someone got 10 or something high that was clearly the best . Guess he 'd been practicing . We walked up to the Baltit Fort , but it was closed at the time . With Sultan in the lead , we climbed the wall past the closed entrance gate , and took some photos outside the Fort . ( We didn 't bust into the actual building . ) The guard saw us , but he didn 't care . He opened the gate and came over to talk . Sultan borrowed his hat , which had feathers on it , for a photo . After the Fort , we went back to the hotel . Colin went with Sultan and Wali to try to find some better shoes ( mission not accomplished ) , and Rachael and I sat on the porch near our rooms and looked at the mountains . It was several hours later , and we could still hear the dance festival going on in town . We had dinner at the hotel , and later that night the manager showed us an open field where we could see the stars . The view was amazing . We could see the moon , tons of stars , the Milky Way , and even some shooting stars , the tail - end of a meteor shower . And this was all against the backdrop of the mountains . We talked for a while about many things , including relationships . And there , under the sparkling heavens , I decided it was time to dump my girlfriend . I 've already mentioned that she didn 't approve of my beard , and I can tell what you 're thinking . You are thinking , " Chris , that alone is enough justification . " And , of course , you 'd be right cause my beard rocked . Still , there were other issues . She was a young German woman , whose beauty and charm were tragically eclipsed by her neediness , insecurity , and poor grasp of the English language . Rachael and Colin both knew her , and the decision to dump was unanimous . I just had to wait until I got back in Islamabad to wrap everything up . We went back to our rooms and I got ready for bed . It was interesting in the bathroom . All the water seemed to be a lightly filtered version of the dark gray water that was flowing all through town . The lighter gray water was in the toilet , the sink , and the shower , and the white towels were gray from having been washed in the water . The power came and went , so I showered by candlelight . My alarm went off at 4 : 30 , and I went to get the others up for sunrise . I didn 't bother getting dressed , and opted just to wrap a blanket around myself when I went to the other rooms . After a bit of knocking on the doors and calling names through windows , both Rachael and Colin woke up . I went back to my room to get dressed . Rachael didn 't waste any time getting ready , and she got to the field first . When I showed up a few minutes later , she was beginning to think I had gone back to bed and left her hanging . That morning we passed through town once more . My sunglasses , which happened to have been my favorite pair , had gotten broken the day before . I wanted a new pair to counter the blazing sun , so Sultan took us to a store . It was closed . Meanwhile , Rachael went back to look at the carpet she had been haggling over the day before . She ended up getting it - spending the rest of her money and a chunk of mine . So , before 10 AM on our second day , I was the only one with any money left . Altit Fort was a smaller , older version of Baltit Fort , and it was closed for renovation when we went . Sultan had a discussion with some guy , and he agreed to take us through the surrounding village to the back side of the fort . On the way , we came upon the village watering hole . It was this large pool that was filled by the ditches carrying the gray water . There were tons of boys and young men swimming and playing around . It looked like fun , although , having a woman in our group , there was no chance of our joining in . Sultan and the man led us through the village to a nice view of the Fort . It was built right on the edge of a huge cliff . Back in the good ole days , enemies were executed by the ever popular skydiving - without - a - parachute maneuver . After we had marveled for a moment , we started back to the jeep . Sultan and the guideman stopped us and asked if we wanted to see inside one of the village houses . We did . The house , which had three levels , was pretty neat . The lower level was underground and insulated by the earth . The next layer was ground level . And lastly , there was the roof . It was a simple design of mud brick , dirt , and wood . After the home tour , the owner invited us to have tea with his family . We gladly accepted , and we went up on the roof . It was a striking scene . Here we were in the middle of nowhere in northern Pakistan and there were satellite dishes on many of the roofs . All across the globe , people gotta watch their stories , I guess . Actually , they probably had satellites for cricket and football coverage . While the tea was being prepared , we spoke with two of the homeowner 's sons . The younger one was middle - school aged or maybe younger . He wanted to be a soldier when he grew up . This sparked a side discussion on the military . Rachael had been in the Navy , and Colin 's father had served in Nam . I mentioned the several people in my family who were in the military . Then Sultan told us that his father was also in the military - with the rank of spy . I can still see the silly expression he had . He cracked me up . I asked Sultan what wildlife lived in the area , since we hadn 't seen any animals yet , save for some birds and lizards . He mentioned foxes , bear , wolves , yak , and ibex . In case you didn 't know , ibex are highly endangered mountain goats . Sultan added that ibex were good - eatin ' . Colin was horrified . During our talk , Rachael started adjusting her hair . She was twisting it in the back and putting a big clip on it . Sultan was watching her and remarked that she was fixing her hair in the style of the Yeti . That 's just what every woman wants to hear - that she 's fixing her hair like Big Foot . We laughed at that for days to come . Good times , folks , good times . The next stop was Hoper Valley , and Wali stepped on the gas . Before long , we started passing through villages . There would be an adult here or there lounging by the side of the road , but there were mostly children . The little kids would run out to see us , and unlike Islamabad or even Gilgit town , these kids all looked happy and well - cared for . They were cool . We came to notice that all the kids were yelling something to us . Thinking it was Urdu or another foreign language , we asked Sultan what they were saying . Turns out they were yelling , " one pen , " in English . We had to stop and register as foreigners at another checkpoint . Sultan explained that in the past visitors had disappeared from the region and that the government wasn 't taking any chances . It was nice to know they cared . Just kidding - the Pakistani Government knows that its tourism industry is in sad shape and takes pains to make sure things don 't happen to cause it to further nose - dive . Sultan told us all the different nationalities he had served as guide for . Americans and Australians were his favorite clients ( and not just because he was talking to us , I 'm sure ) , followed by Italians . He knew how to speak German , so he led many groups of Germans . They weren 't his favorites , though . Neither were the Brits or Spaniards or Swiss or the Russians , and especially not the French . It culminated in a stop at a glacier . I forget the name of it , but looking in my Lonely Planet , I see that there are two in Hoper . So , it was either the Bualtar or the Barpu . It doesn 't really matter . The path down to the glacier was a steep one . Some portions were gravel , some were sand , some were larger stones , and some were a combo . Sultan , like almost every other local we saw , had on hiking boots . Rachael , Colin , and I had on street sandals . They weren 't the best for trekking , and especially not in Colin 's case since his sandals were too small in the first place . My sandals were new , and , even though they could have probably made the walk , I didn 't want to risk ruining them . I decided I 'd rather ruin my feet ; skin heals after all . I went barefoot . It was a long hot walk to the bottom of the valley . The sand was scorching my feet . At the bottom , we rested a bit in the glacial skree field . ( We weren 't far enough up to get into the actual ice part , or else it was covered in gravel by the time it reached our place . ) As we were sitting there , we saw a rescue party working its way up and out of the valley . A porter was carrying a European guy out on his back . Sultan told us that it would cost the guy 200 dollars for the med - evac . That 's a real bargain . A short while later , we started back up the mountain ourselves . The sand was even hotter on the way up . I mentioned that the whole scenario reminded me of the song from the scene in the Hobbitt cartoon where they are climbing up the mountain . Colin started into a hilarious version . At the top , my feet were nicely burned . Both soles had several blisters . The largest , which was on the right heel , was the size of a silver dollar . It would remain on my foot for six weeks before rupturing . My sandals were still in perfect condition , though . We had ordered a whole chicken , some daal ( lentils ) , spinach , and chipati ( bread ) . Rachael and Colin mostly ate the veggie dishes , while Sultan and I ate the chicken . I didn 't really care about the chicken , but as it was meat , it was the most expensive thing , and thereby the most inexcusable thing to waste . The chicken was prepared in the typical Pakistani style . It 's like the chef removes the good parts like the breasts , and then hacks the remaining bony parts up with a butcher knife , and then cooks the parts in a sauce . I was commenting to Rachael how I couldn 't recognize any part of the chicken I was eating . Then I did recognize a part , and when I showed Rachael , she almost hurled . She stopped eating and started doing the deal where you start swallowing , so as to stop yourself from vomiting . She told me that if I didn 't put it down and stop talking about it , things were going to get ugly , and quickly . ( I think she was overreacting a little . It was on my plate and I was the one eating it after all . ) Sultan 's response was a classic . " Oh , yes , you look like a professor . . . . uh . . . . a mathematics professor . . . . uh . . . . an assistant mathematics professor . " Sultan was trying to be positive I think . We were cracking up . You know you 've arrived when you are mistaken for a local assistant mathematics professor . The long ride and the warm sun had everyone , including Sultan , dozing off . The corner jeep seat was really making my butt sore . Colin opted to move into the center , comfortable seat , but I didn 't want to . On the way back , Sultan asked several times if we wanted to stop for a break . We told him no every time . We realized later he was asking because he wanted to take a break himself . When we reached our hotel , the Gilgit Serena , we all looked whipped . We were all tired looking and sun - burned . No one looked worse than Sultan , though . He looked like he 'd been through the wringer . At one point during dinner , Colin briefly laid his head on the white table cloth . When he lifted his head again , Rachael pointed out that he had left a dirt stain on the table . A strategically placed bread plate handled the problem . After checking - in , we waited in the lounge . Rachael had to wait in the ladies ' lounge . ( FYI - men and women are not separated nearly as much in Islamabad ; Gilgit was much more conservative . ) It was Monday , and although we had expected to return to Islamabad , Rachael and I had already requested the day off . Colin had kind of unofficially done the same thing , so he was set also . So , the fact that we would be staying one extra day didn 't really faze us . In actuality , we were psyched that the plane didn 't go . At the travel office , we plotted out another trip over tea . Sultan the Weasel wasn 't at work that day , and Sultan the Snake confirmed that we had run him ragged . Evidently , Weasel was accustomed to having 20 or more cups of tea a day . With us , he had had maybe 3 or 4 . Poor guy had been running on fumes . Guide Ejaz was there , though . When we had gone the first day with Sultan instead of him , he looked pissed . Colin asserted that it was more than professional jealously - that they were in fact having a lover 's quarrel . And it was probably true . Sultan the Weasel seemed to be hitting on all of us at times . I have discussed man - to - man behavior in Pakistan in other stories . Well , here it was more extreme . This is probably for 2 main reasons . First , the northern areas are mountainous and relatively isolated places . And isolation and seclusion often turn a blind eye to deviance - just call it the prison effect . The second factor would have to be the more strict separation of men and women . When we 'd go into Gilgit , I could literally count the number of women I 'd see out and about on one hand . Other than a few foreign women and the occasional veiled woman , all the people in town were male . This time we decided to go to the Fairy Meadows , near Nanga Parbat . Getting to Fairy Meadows involved a 3 ½ to 4 hour drive , each way , plus 4 hours of hiking ( 2 ½ hours up the mountain , 1 ½ coming down ) . Doing the math in the office , we could tell it was going to be a hell of a long day trip . Sultan the Snake assured us we would have plenty of time . We wanted to go anyway , so it didn 't take much convincing . Snake had us write down some emergency numbers in case something bad happened . No question - it was going to be a good trip . Before was started , we walked down to a shoe store to find new shoes for Colin . He wore some mutant size like a 14 or something , so it was no easy job finding shoes that fit . Eventually , he settled for some sport flip - flops . He dumped his old shoes of torture in the shoe store trash can . He was singing the praises of his new shoes . We walked back to the travel office and loaded into our vehicle . We got a new driver . I forget his name , but it may as well have been Muhammad Andretti . Our first stop was back to the Serena , where we rechecked - in . They gave us our old rooms back , and the woman at the desk asked what we were doing for the day . When we told her Fairy Meadows , she started into a discussion in Urdu with another employee about how we didn 't have enough time to do Fairy Meadows . Rachael listened and translated for Colin and me . The woman at the desk wished us a good trip . We took off , and Andretti had the pedal to the metal the whole way . A lot of the road was the old two lane deal with a huge drop on one side . Andretti kept doing stupid things like passing when oncoming cars were barreling down on us . It was a nice touch once when he almost ran a fuel truck off the road . Along the way , we passed a view point where the three mountain ranges met . Some French ladies were there . They thought we were locals . Of course , a compliment like that from another foreigner isn 't as good as from a local , but it 's better than nothing . The road passed by cliffs , through open stretches of field , and through villages . Andretti didn 't miss a beat . He 'd just honk and flash the lights and people would dive for cover . The sun was brutal . After about 3 hours , we got to the point where the truck could go no further because the road got too wild . We hired a jeep and another driver for this leg . Again we told them to take the top off , and again they gave us lip . The top came off . We rode an hour in the jeep up to the trailhead leading to Fairy Meadows . The road was insane . It was one lane , except in occasional spots that were barely wide enough to allow passing , and it was just made of stacked stones . Most of the way , we were hugging the mountain on one side , and on the other side , it was a straight drop of thousands of feet . It was insane . When we got to the base of the trail , there was a cabin and a little camping area . Ejaz walked toward an old man who greeted him by rubbing his chest . Ejaz pushed his hand away as if to say , " Not in front of the foreigners ! " Ejaz , Colin , Rachael , and I set off hiking . Colin and I had the blisters from the day before , so there was a measure of pain involved . Soon after we started hiking , Ejaz turned to Colin and asked , " Did you bring a torch ( flashlight ) ? " At first , I didn 't understand what he was getting at , but that was his smug way of saying that we were going so slow that he thought we would still be hiking in the dark . The rest of the way up , I repeated that to myself . It was something that struck me as funny , and I 'm sure I derived a little too much enjoyment from it . It was probably the altitude . About half an hour later , we passed some rich Pakistani couple on their way down the mountain . They were doing the trek the wussy way - on horseback . Seeing we were Americans , they seemed to want to impress us . The wife was telling us how her brother was a cardiologist and a professor at Harvard . La - ti - da . The husband had a sister at Berkley . He liked to travel to Alabama to purchase guns . When we reached the Fairy Meadows , it was afternoon . The meadow was full of green grass and there were children and goats and cows and sheep and horses everywhere . It was pastoral alright . Fairy Meadows is a few hours from the base camp of Nanga Parbat , and the view was awesome . Normally it is cloudy , but not for us . Nanga Parbat is the second highest mountain in Pakistan at 8 , 125 meters or 26 , 650 feet . Its name means ' naked mountain ' because its south face is so steep even the snow falls off . A lot of climbers die on Nanga Parbat . It was getting late , and we didn 't want to be driving the dangerous stretch of road in the dark , so we decided to leave . There was a restaurant at Fairy Meadows and I was starving . I told Rachael and Colin that I wanted to eat before leaving , and they agreed , although without much enthusiasm . In any case , we wanted whatever the cook could make the quickest . The waiter said that omelets would be fast , and it made sense to us . We ordered some . He came back with the news that they were out of eggs . The next quickest thing would be fried rice . We ordered the rice , and like with Sultan at the restaurant the day before , Ejaz started into a long discussion in some unknown language , presumably about the food . We thought he was trying to upgrade the order with some extra veggies and so forth . He didn 't seem to understand the part about us being in a hurry . We sternly told him that all we wanted was the rice , and that there was no need for further discussion . Finally the waiter left , and we were assured the rice would be ready in 10 minutes . Half an hour later , we still didn 't have any rice . Everyone was getting grouchy . By now , one of the people who had been waiting at the jeep had hiked up . They probably wondered what the hold - up was . On the way down the mountain , Colin and I ran down . At first Ejaz tried keeping up , but soon enough , he went back and walked with Rachael . She was also going at a fast pace , but not at a run . Every now and then , Colin and I would wait for them to catch up , and when they would , Ejaz would invariably suggest that we should take a rest break . We all voted against it every time , and the race to the bottom continued . It was beginning to look like it was Ejaz who 'd needed to pack a torch . Close to the end , there was a man and his son sitting by the trail . When Colin and I passed , they gave us some sob story about how the boy was deathly ill . We thought they were grifters and besides , we didn 't have any medicine , so we blew them off and continued racing down the hill . When we got to the camp ground at the bottom of the hill , we plopped down at the picnic table and ordered some beverages while we waited for Ejaz and Rachael . A few minutes later , the man came walking up with the sick boy . Everyone was concerned , and started asking us for medicine . We still didn 't have any , so we still didn 't give them any . We figured at this point that maybe the kid really was sick . We all went to the jeep - the 3 of us , Ejaz , the driver , the sick boy and his father , and three other guys . Everyone packed in and we started driving back down the crazy cliff road . The sun was setting . About halfway down the road , we dropped the boy and his father at their village . They had been taking up half the seat in the back , and Colin and I were squished into the other half . When the father and son left , one of the Pakistanis who had been hanging on the back of the jeep jumped into the space . So , Colin and I - two largish Americans - were crammed on half the jeep seat , and the scrawny Pakistani was lounging out in style on the other half . As we were driving along , making jokes about crashing over the edge and dying , Colin remarked that if we did crash they 'd find our bodies crunched up on half of the seat . At this point , the Pakistani , who had given us the impression that he didn 't speak English , suddenly scooted over to occupy more of an equal share of the seat . We died laughing . Meanwhile , Rachael had gotten into a conversation with the driver in Urdu about djinns . I may be spelling it wrong , but a djinn ( sounds like gin ) is a kind of spirit that some Pakistanis believe in . The driver asked Rachael if Americans believed in anything similar . At first she said no , and told him that the closest thing we had was angels , which many Americans did believe in . We had to help Rachael out since she was clearly out of touch with the American people . We told the Pakistanis ( through Rachael and her Urdu ) that Americans believed in numerous supernatural things . We started into ghosts . I relayed the story of the ghost in my family 's house . Sometimes when you are alone in the house downstairs , you can hear noisy footsteps upstairs . Rachael relayed the story of the ghost in her college apartment that would always mess with the thermostat settings . Colin and I further had Rachael explain about evil spirits , possession , and exorcism . When you discuss such topics in Urdu it is hilarious . For uncommon words , there is not a direct Urdu translation most times , so the English word is used . This whole supernatural discussion was half English and half Urdu . From here , the Pakistanis wanted to know if we had witches in the U . S . But of course . Rachael ended up getting in the Salem witch trials . She started out by setting the stage , and again it was in Urdu / English . One English phrase that rang out was ' religious extremists ' and this struck both Colin and I . Talking to Muslims about religious extremism could easily take a wrong turn . The story continued and we prompted Rachael with important details like how some of the women probably acted crazy due to ergot poisoning from contaminated bread . We explained about the ghosts that still haunt the Salem courthouse . It was truly a story of epic proportions - love , hate , life , death , ergot poisoning - and the Pakistanis were eating it up . When we got to the part where the women were killed , Colin was explaining how some were hanged , some were burned , some were drowned , and some were pressed by stones . ( I probably got some of that messed up . ) We had a joke that these guys were probably secretly taking notes on the torture and killing parts , saying to themselves , " Right on ! Those b * * * * * s deserved what they got . " We loaded into the truck , and Andretti started hauling ass . It was pitch black , the air was full of grit , and we were approaching ludicrous speed . There was more insane passing . The seating was tough on the tailbone , and we were always on the look - out for upcoming spine - jarring bumps . Three hours later , we were safely back at the hotel . The staff were glad to see us . We sat in the lobby and settled our bill with Ejaz . We had to pay the car and driver fee , the guide fee , the driver 's tip , and the guide 's tip . We calculated everything out , paid Ejaz , and went to our rooms . About an hour later , Sultan the Snake came to the hotel . It was late by now , and Sultan was beating around the bush . He was having some tea and asking us about our trip . All of this was a needless , time - wasting lead - in to the real reason he had come . It turned out that we had forgetten Ejaz 's fee and had only given him a tip . And , instead of bringing up the problem ( which was an honest mistake ) himself , Ejaz went crying back to his boss . We paid Sultan the Snake and he left . That night at dinner , we discovered the Serena 's outdoor barbeque , which was held 6 nights a week . We ate there - more yak - and it was way better than the restaurant inside . The food was good , the weather was perfect , and there was a two - member band to entertain the diners . After dinner , we went to the business center to play on the internet . For the rest of our stay , this would be a primary time - occupier for us . Rachael looked up the forecast for the region , and her morale dropped down the toilet . For the next several days , there was bad weather affecting some point of the flight path . We went back to the rooms and watched TV . The hotel was carrying the most boring Olympic coverage imaginable . Literally , we watched women 's badminton doubles , women 's weight - lifting , women 's trampoline , men 's triple jump , women 's volleyball , and men 's shot put . The only thing we seemed to have missed was rhythmic gymnastics . The next day was Tuesday . We went to breakfast and ordered what would become our breakfast for the rest of the trip - omelets with onions and cheese . We checked out and drove to the airport . There were not many people waiting that day . After the string of cancellations , virtually everyone else had opted to drive back to Islamabad . It was a 14 - hour trip , and Embassy policy would not allow us to drive it . We had to explain this to tons of people - hotel staff , airport personnel , the tour company . At first , they couldn 't seem to grasp why we were hanging around . That day at the airport , we weren 't even permitted to go inside . We had to wait in an outside waiting area for word that the flights had officially been cancelled for the day . Meanwhile , we talked about turning our adventure into a movie , spending the majority of the time deciding casting . It was decided that David Duchovny should play me . There were some really hilarious and on - the - nose casting choices for some people at the embassy who would be in the movie tangentially , but it 's probably best if I don 't put those to paper . Sultan the Snake came by to see if he could interest us in more excursions . We couldn 't afford any since we were almost out of cash , so we declined . Sultan offered to loan us 5 , 000 rupees ( about $ 90 US ) , but we didn 't accept . There was concern that if we borrowed the money , it would be difficult to pay him back once we got back to Islamabad due to the unreliable mail system and so forth . That day , we basically fell into patterns that lasted the rest of the trip . Immediately after hearing that the flights were cancelled for the day , we would congregate in one of our rooms ( usually Rachael 's ) and all call our supervisors . Then we would call our contacts in the embassy who could give us the inside scoop on events there . Then Rachael would fall into a funk for an hour or two , lameting the situation and how screwed we were , and how we would never get out of Gilgit . Colin and I would attempt to raise her spirits ( in what might have been perceived as harassing her to the untrained eye ) with mixed results . The rest of the day , we would watch TV - news , bad movies , bad Olympics , bad Larry King , ugh - and raid the mini - bars . We were out of control . Being a Muslim country , the mini - bars didn 't have any hooch - just sodas , candy bars , nuts , and dried fruits . We would practically clean them out every day . In the mornings , we would be waiting for the mini - bar guy to come and refill us , like animals at the zoo at feeding time . That 's what extreme boredom can do to people . Watching TV was not without complications because the electricity would constantly go off . When the power would go off , the A / C would also go . It was not unusual to come into the darkened room to find one of us ( usually me ) aiming the A / C remote at the A / C repeatedly pushing the button , waiting for the power to come back on , while someone else ( usually Rachael ) would be doing the same thing with the TV remote . We would spend tons of time in the business center . Colin and I were nosing around and one of the employees at the hotel was looking up some pretty lewd subject matter on the computers . We all caught up on our e - mailing . Rachael checked the weather forecasts constantly . The hotel had a list of board games it supposedly had , including Scrabble , Monopoly , chess , and others . When we inquired , it turned out that Monopoly was all they really had . We took it back to the room . It was an ancient British version that had seen much better days . It had only one game piece . There were like 5 houses and no apartments . Most of the ' Chance ' , ' Community Chest ' , and property cards were just little scraps of paper with the information written on by hand . That game belonged in a museum . We returned it to the front desk . We had each brought two sets of clothes - the one we were wearing and one in reserve - for the 2 days we were supposed to be there . Sending the laundry out in the morning and receiving it in the evenings became an exciting event for us . It was pathetic . Of course , we only did laundry twice , I think , in 9 days . We were wearing our clothes 4 and 5 days straight . Motivation to change more frequently just wasn 't very high . To kill a little time one day , we went to the few shops in the hotel . There was a carpet store , a jewelry store , a book store , and a general handicrafts store . Rachael had the carpet guy pull out several rugs . They were all overpriced and we didn 't have money anyway , so she didn 't buy . A few days later , Colin went to the book store and found a book he wanted . He mentioned to the store keeper that he didn 't have any money , so he couldn 't buy the book . The guy responded , " I know " . Word travels fast in a small hotel with no guests . On Wednesday , we received word that the flights had been cancelled before we even left the hotel for the airport . We had breakfast and made our calls . We tried to get permission to drive , to no avail . Rachael fell into her morning depression , and the day was in motion . We walked and walked and looked at shops here and there . Like before , there were practically no women on the streets . Rachael was not comfortable , so we found a phone and called the hotel car to come and get us . In the meantime , we looked around the old British cemetery . He offered us the use of his pick - up if we wanted to use it . The only catch was that we had to fill it up with gas . Rachael didn 't want to go back to town , so Colin and I went without her . The first thing we noticed was that the gas tank was empty . When we went to fill it up , it cost us a pretty penny . We wasted like 40 dollars on filling up a car for a few hours of touring around town . Complimentary use of the car - yeah right ! Advantage : Sultan . We went to see the Buddha carving just outside town . There , we met two Aussies ( or maybe Kiwis - I forget ) named Janet and John . They were in their 60s , were retired , and were touring south and west Asia for 6 months . They were cool . Once in town , we did a little shopping , and then Janet and John showed us a restaurant they had enjoyed earlier . It was the kind of place with dead chickens and goats strung up in the front . The waiter ushered us inside and seated us all the way in the back , in a booth separated from the main dining area ( since we had a woman in our group ) . We had a good and cheap lunch . After that , Colin and I released Sultan 's car and driver and explored town on foot some more . We found a neat bridge on the edge of town that was causing a bit of tension for motorists . It was a suspension bridge that was maybe a hundred yards long . It was only wide enough for a single car , so cars were supposed to wait at the ends until the bridge was clear . This was clearly not working . Repeatedly , there would be two cars nose to nose , honking at each other in the middle of the bridge . One would eventually back out and traffic would flow again , until the next yahoo happened to go out at the wrong time . Pedestrians used the same space to cross the bridge , so the cars would nudge through people as well . By the time we finished walking around , the hotel car service had already ended for the day . When we passed Sultan 's store , his cars were gone . We weren 't supposed to take taxis ( Embassy rules ) so Colin and I set off on foot for the hotel . From town , it was a 5 kilometer walk , gradually uphill , until the last bit , which was a steep uphill . We were maybe two - thirds of the way back when a car came up behind us , honking . It turned out to be Mustafa , the guy from the plane who had sat next to Rachael . He offered us a ride and we accepted . What luck ! That night , we had dinner at the outdoor barbeque , like always . As we were waiting for our food , a conversation developed whereby Rachael was bemoaning the fact that such a great majority of world leaders , both currently and historically , were men , and as such their solutions for any conflict involved war and violence . The way she saw it , there were too many men leaders , with too much testosterone , and they were ruining the world . Colin bit . He was personally offended by her generalizations , and , like magic , there was a heated debate at the table . I was sitting there like a statue . Not only was I not interested in the discussion , but I do not like discussions where people are so riled up and emotional . I also was not in the mood for high - minded debate . The discussions at the previous two dinners had been about the Israeli - Palestinian conflict and U . S . politics - Bush , Kerry , and others , past and present - and neither topic had interested me either . And then I made an unfortunate move ; I told the truth . I said something along these lines : " I find this whole discussion to be very boring . Maybe I 'm not cut out to be an officer because debates like this don 't interest me at all . " That afternoon , we needed a break from the hotel , so we decided to go out to lunch . We didn 't think about it until we were already on the road , but it was Friday , the Muslim day of prayer , and probably not the best day for us to cruise around town . We decided to go ahead , though . We asked the driver for a recommendation , and he said he knew a good place . He ended up taking us to the same place Colin and I had eaten at the day before with Janet and John . We were happy to eat there a second time . This time , they seated us on the second floor and since Rachael was with us , we had to sit in the " Family Cabin " . It was a table and benches , enclosed by curtains . We had a good meal , and then walked around town . It was on Saturday , I think , that we had one of the mornings where we actually had to go wait at the airport . We checked out of the hotel , and zipped down . All the airport people were smiley . We were allowed inside this time and we had pretty high hopes . Inside , there was a group of people filming the airport and , at one point , us as we waited . I don 't know if they were filming a news story or making a documentary or what . Before long , one of the airport guards walked up with a huge smile . " Sir , the flight turned around and went back to Islamabad . It is cancelled . " Hanging onto hope , we asked him what would become of the second flight . He couldn 't say for sure whether it had been cancelled also , so he went to check . In less than a minute , he was back . Both were officially cancelled for the day . We filed out . The polo ground was basically a wide dirt street . There was a band playing . Spectators were on both sides of the street , but one side had stone steps for sitting . We got seats . I had specifically asked at the hotel front desk before coming to the match if women usually attended . The lady assured me that women did attend the matches . Spectators had to keep on their toes . Sometimes the ball would come over toward the wall where people were sitting . Faced with the oncoming mass of men and horses , people would be scurrying away from the front . Those who didn 't move away at least had to lift their legs so they didn 't get squashed . It was funny . Several times , the ball got hit into the crowd . Usually , someone would just get it and throw it back into play . Once , a player hit the ball quite hard , and it flew over a guy who was sitting on the stone wall ( on the side of the road without seating ) . He had to hit the deck and barely missed getting hit . Sultan 's guy and I laughed hard over that one . One young man sat next to me and started talking . He asked me the usuals - what was my name , where was I from - and then we started talking polo . He told me how Gilgit always loses the big match against Chitral because Chitral has better training facilities . He told me how someone had died 2 months back during polo when his horse ran into one of the lampposts along the street while going full speed . He told me the different skill levels of each of the players . He asked me which ones I liked the best . I told him that they were all very good . Then he told me he didn 't really care that much about polo . His sport was cricket , but he watched polo because it was his heritage . At halftime , the riders dismounted and little kids ran out to take the reins . They walked the horses around , gave them water , and brushed them . Some of the little kids led the horses around while other little kids rode . The second half was more of the same . The whole experience was excellent . As we drove out of the polo area , 3 or 4 little kids grabbed on the back of our truck and hitched a ride . On Monday , we had breakfast , checked out , and went to the airport . As we waited , we got news that the flight had taken off from Islamabad . We knew it could still turn around . There were two injured people onboard . One guy was all bandaged and we assumed he had had a bad trekking incident . In the back there was a woman who was strapped over 3 rows of folded down seats . I don 't know what her problem might have been . I had a good window seat again , and the flight landed in Rawalpindi ( just outside Islamabad ) without incident . As soon as we landed , Colin sent a text message to our friend Traci . It turned out that she had been in Rawalpindi that morning on business and she was about to head back to Islamabad right when we landed . She had her driver pick us up . And it was a good thing since motor pool had not dispatched a car to get us anyway . The car dropped us at our houses and we all went immediately to the embassy . The Marine Guard at Post One acted like he didn 't recognize me - what with the local garb and the beard . Then he gave me the old ' welcome back ' . Another Marine saw me and also told me , " Welcome back , Grizzly " ( some of them had taken to calling me Grizzly Adams when I started growing my beard ) . Colin got some ribbing of his own . In the office , I found out that if the flight hadn 't arrived that morning , a rescue party was going to come get us . It would have involved 2 armored cars , 2 drivers , and a security officer with a machine gun traveling 14 hours each way to get us . I was glad that didn 't happen . It seemed like a bit of overkill . Of course , there was always the option of us hiring a car and driver in Gilgit to drive back , but that was deemed too risky . Another option that a friend and colleague of ours had suggested would have been much cooler . He 's a chopper pilot and he wanted to fly up and get us . He had to do a certain amount of flying each month , so it wouldn 't have even been an inconvenience . The only reason it didn 't happen was that he wasn 't informed that we were stranded until the very end . He was pissed . Anyhow , the rest of the day , I was a minor celebrity . Everyone was quite interested and concerned and glad to have us back . Evidently , our stranding had been discussed quite widely around the embassy . I repeated the highlights of our adventure to everyone , from the Ambassador to the janitors . There was a little bit of blow - back though . We all had work waiting for us , and some people resented us getting a " free vacation " . That was nonsense , though . I explained to these people that , one , we didn 't plan for it to happen like it did , two , we had to use leave time so it wasn 't free , and , three , for most of the trip we were stuck in the hotel not having all that much fun . The other negative thing to come from this was that a few people who had wanted to go to Gilgit got their requests denied by their supervisors . They were afraid that they would get stuck like we did , even though our situation was not totally normal . |
I want to thank you all that commented on my post yesterday about the fall that I did the right thing . It honestly made me SO much happier to know that even though I felt super awkward and wished I knew what to do , I made the correct decisions . Especially now that I know how bad it is . Are you guys prepared for this ? He broke his clavicle ( which is why his left side hurt so bad , and I always had to help from the right ) . And he broke his ribs in 9 different places . He broke some ribs multiple times . That , my friends , is a pretty nasty fall . He stayed at the hospital overnight , and he will stay a few more days for them to watch . Their fear is that since he cannot take deep breaths due to the rib fractures that his lungs will fill with fluid and he will get pneumonia . I feel so bad , and I hope he has a speedy recovery . Anyways , that pretty much puts a damper on any post ! But me and pony had a great ride today . Aw , pony and her mini were bonding . We went english , and I was so proud of her . I set up two ground poles followed by a cavaletti . We trotted a lot , and I loped her some and then I trotted her over the poles and then the cavaletti , then changed direction so I was trotting over the cavaletti and then the poles . I worked a lot on two point ( ouch my muscles ! ) and then , going into the corner before the caveletti , she picked up a lope once ! She loped over the cavaletti , over the ground poles , and then started crowhopping / mini bucking ! I was so surprised . By two things . 1 ) That she picked up her lope and watched her feet and did so good over the poles and 2 ) That she started crow hopping ! My first thought was that I had her head too much and didn 't give when she went over the cavaletti . But , my best riding trait is that I have super soft hands ( its something I just naturally have , I am so thankful for it , since its so hard to train yourself to have softer hands ! ) So I honestly did not think that was the culprit . I went out of the arena to find my trainer and let her know , and she told me its something that green horses do , they get excited and proud of themselves for completing the task correctly . So , that made sense , and is pretty cute . We did it again , and she didn 't do it , so obviously it was just an excitement thing . We went back into the arena , I wanted to try it again and end on a good note , not a confused note ( ok lets be honest , I was really excited that we had loped over it all and wanted to do it again ! ) but I was SO proud of what I received . I trotted her a few more times , and she didn 't pick up a lope . I really didn 't want to push her into the lope , since there were so many things she had to watch her feet over , I didn 't want to push her into it and then regret it , and give her a bad experience . However , I picked up a lope and went all the way around the arena . . she was going pretty fast so I figured we would go around and not go through the jump . Instead , coming into the corner in front of the jump , she slowed down and collected her limbs and did it perfectly . It was SO freaking adorable . If she 's going to crazy - canter , I would much rather have her do that when we 're not facing a jump , rather than her be calm until we get close to a jump ! Then . . . . the day was not over . I washed her high whites , because she 's cute . She wasn 't really a fan of that . She kept just walking away from the wash rack , which is funny , because she isn 't afraid of it . . . it was more of a ' yeah , maybe if I just walk home she won 't notice . . . . ' This is off topic , but I found this super interesting . The fact that she has high whites and stripes that fade into her roan , and she also has a white chin , she has the paint gene in her ! So when she did have a foal , it was a paint foal ! I thought that was really interesting ! So he got all prettied up ! He 's so good though , once you take the hose to his butt , he lifts up his tail and really lets you scrub around in there . . . . its quite hilarious . But he looked absolutely gorgeous afterwards ! And obviously the best way to dry him off was to ride him . . . I walked all over the ranch bareback for a while . . . . in barefeet nonetheless . My boots got soaked so I put them in the sun to dry while I walked him around . I haven 't ridden him since probably may , I forgot how much I love that horse ! He 's so chill hahaha . But , LOOK at that wither . Like a dang shark fin ! It definitely gave me a stopper when walking downhill though ! Once I was ready to get off , I did something I honestly think I deserve an award for . I picked up one of my boots and sock with a broom handle while on Kadin . It was awesome , and took SO much effort . Kadin stood there like a pro though . I was working on boot number two when someone walked by and picked it up for me . I told them not to , but they did anyways . I was pretty bummed . Then , I even managed to get close enough to pony to untie her and pony her over to her home , which is where I finally got off of him to put her away . That gate is impossible from horseback , otherwise I might have tried ! I spent about 7 hours at the ranch . . . it was pretty awesome . And this has nothing to do with anything , but are those not the creepiest lawn ornaments you have ever seen ? I mean , who would buy those ? So today when I went out to the barn , I was almost done grooming pony ( I had half of a foot left to pick ) when I heard a fall from the arena . I went over to see what had happened , and I saw a beautiful palomino standing by the gate with no rider . I opened the gate and he stepped towards me , stepped on his rein , couldn 't figure out how to get away from the pressure , spun around and I saw myself getting kicked for a second . Luckily , he had a pretty calm head and didn 't even offer a kick . He simply walked around in a circle a few times until I picked up the rein and started to lead him down to the man on the other side of the arena . It was an older man , I later found out he is almost 80 , I was thinking more along the lines of 60 . He was panting and heaving on the ground . I asked if there was anything I could do and he said no . So I stood there . For about 20 minutes until he asked me for help . He was clearly prideful , and I didn 't know what else to do . I didn 't know the man , or the horse , so I couldn 't go put him away by myself . Finally , he asked me to step to his other side and help him up ( he fell on his left shoulder so wanted help on his right side ) . He leaned against the horse and we slowly walked to the gate so he could go sit down in the tacking area . We made it to the gate before he needed some more rest . We stood there for another few minutes before we stepped through the gate . He took another few minutes rest before he made it to the chair and sat down . I haltered the horse and tied him up while he described to me where to put his tack . Turns out the horse is one he leases from the barn . This horse was an absolute angel this entire time . He was the sweetest thing in the world . I put him away , went and got the man some water and sat with him for a few more minutes . At this point , it had probably been about 40 minutes from the fall . He was having trouble taking deep breaths . Finally , we walked to his car and he got in and I rode with him to the gate so I could get out and open it for him and he didn 't have to move . He said he was on his way to the hospital . I told my trainer about it later , and she called him , he made it there with his wife and they were waiting for xrays when she talked to him . I felt so bad , and wished I could have taken more charge of the situation , but he was clearly very stubborn / proud and I just stood there and let him tell me when he needed help . I didn 't want to start yanking him up if he wasn 't ready to get up yet ! Plus , im 20 years old , clearly I have never experienced a fall at his age . Anyways , the point of this post is about what someone at the ranch said when we talked about it later . He said ' knowing those two MAN ( not putting names ) probably kept asking for stuff and HORSE probably let him know he was done . ' He said it in a totally respectful way , not like he was saying the rider was a bad rider or anything . But my point is , we expect our horses to respect us . We are constantly asking for them to follow what we want , where we want it , how much we want , etc . In turn , we need to listen to our horses when they tell us that they are done . I 'm not saying you have to fall off , or they have to do something bad to tell us . Listen to their small cues that let you know they feel like they have done a good job and they are ready to stop . Listen to them if they are speedy horses and they suddenly really don 't want to go anymore . Listen to them if they get a bit unruly , calm them down then call it a day . Listen to them if you get on and they seem crazy from the get go , keep it a walking / groundwork day and call it a day . With that being said , if you respect your horses wants / needs , I honestly do not think they will abuse it . They won 't pretend to be off , or do whatever quirk it is that lets you know , everytime you get on them ! They will work , until you are done , or they are done . This obviously comes with exceptions , so take it with a grain of salt , as all advice goes . But just remember that . Take what you can get , and respect your horse when they give you all they have and are then done . This is put into play perfectly with pony last night . She was absolutely crazy . So crazy that the owner of the barn asked me to ride in a different arena since she was teaching lessons and they were beginners . ( She was very kind about it , but it hurt nonetheless ) We went to the upper arena , and she was absolutely a nut job . I sat back and let her choose her gait , and it was a crazy lope with some humps . Clearly , that was not working since the longer she did it the worse it got . I couldn 't get more than two steps of walk before she was trotting . I finally took her to my trainer and let her know that I honestly think its saddle fit . And it was . I switched saddles , took her back to the arena and she was a different horse . She was clearly still a little hot , but when she loped it was beautiful However , the second time I asked for a lope , it was much faster . She was telling me ' Hey , girl , its almost feeding time and I 've been pinched and prodded and I wanted to go home . ' So we ended it there . Because she had had a rough day ! She was tired of me being on her , and I had figured out that it was the saddle fit that was causing problems . I was happy respecting her wishes that she was done being ridden since she had put up with me through a pinchy saddle . Posted by I had no idea . Her feet are always muddy / dirty / dusty . And while I always scrape the mud off , they are still always left just dusty / dirty By the way , on the last picture ( blogger for iPhone is kinda stupid , so it might not be the last picture ) it 's a picture of RH . The hoof looks abnormal , right ? It 's like a piece of her hoof was kind of gummy on top , it was very bizarre . I thought it could have been the tiniest bit hotter than the rest , but that could have been my imagination . My trainer said unless she seemed off that it was probably fine , but the farrier will be out this week and he can take a look at it . EDIT : I tried all weekend to post this from blogger for iphone , and it kept refusing to , but I was away from my computer . Nonetheless , these are all from a few days ago , and pony 's weird hoof spot went away , my trainer thinks that when she was with the bitchy mares she stood out in the rain / mud when she usually stands inside so she probably just got a wet soggy spot but when the weather cleared up it did too ! In which pony gets to go back to her previous paddock ! I 'm really happy . I think the final straw was today , I went to go get her , and it was feeding time , and she was standing on the far end and none of the horses were letting her near any food . I mean , I understand that theres a point of breaking in when a new horse gets introduced to a herd , but its been a week and her butt is still swollen . The paddock shes in right now is right next to her old one , so she was just pacing back and forth by the fence like ' come on guys let me back in ! ! ! ' She used to be boarded alone with pinky . Pony loved pinky . Pinky liked pony . Pinky is kinda a bitchy mare . Now that she has new friends , she doesn 't like pony anymore . I guess they were full on like butts against eachother and it got pretty sketchy there for a minute , I wasn 't there to see it . I 'm just really happy she gets to go back in with all the horses she can bully haha . She is very sweet though . She rarely is actually mean to any of her herd , she is just very dominant . She doesn 't have to kick or bite to show what she wants , a simple ear flick and she gets it , and then shes nice . So , since she isn 't getting moved back until tonight , I gave her an extra big bucket of grain , since she clearly wasn 't allowed near any of the food . And let me tell you , this horse is the slowest damn eater I have ever seen . She 's such a freaking mustang . Just look at this video . I think part of it was that there was butte and electrolytes and psyllium in it , so it might have been a bit , thick . . . hahaha My trainer did some endurance with her , and she finally had to stop because Pony would come up lame at the end , but have NO warning signs until then ! It was like she was in pain but hiding it until the race was over . Clearly , that doesn 't work for anyone haha . Also , because when she 's in a different environment she didn 't want to put her head down long enough to drink , so she 'd wait until she was like about to pass out of thirst to drink . Also , this is awesome . Has anyone ever heard of the wild ponies of Chincoteague ? I just heard of them . They are seriously awesome . Its a small island in virgina that has Ponies that have adapted to beach life . They eat sea grass and whatever grows in the dunes , and drink from freshwater ponds . They live ON THE BEACH ! how cool is that ? They swim in the ocean ! They are technically the property of the Chincoteague Fire Department , how weird is that ? They maintain their land , etc and be sure that they have proper grazing and water , and in turn , every july they have water cowboys herd them from the ocean and they auction some of them off , very similar to how BLM does . Isn 't that the most bizzare thing you 've ever heard of ? How cool would that be to have a wild beach pony ? ! I guess the idea is that there were a lot of ship wrecks on the coast of the atlantic ocean in the 1500 's and thats how these ponies came to be here . . . They made their way to shore once their ship had crashed and since this happened so many times , there became a herd ! They adapted to eat forage that grows on the beach . Its a really interesting thing ! There are like , thousands of people that come out to watch the pony swim every year too . Its crazy . By the way , I found out how to upload videos to youtube where its not crazy pixely . In case anyone wanted to watch my shining moment in HD : ) Also , here are pictures of ponies poor bum : ( You can see where its swollen right near her tail . When I was grooming her too , she was fly kicking when I was rubbing her right side around her ribs . Since there were no flies in sight , I 'm going to assume she got kicked on her side too : ( Poor pony ! The very first show I ever went to was with Kadin , an older arab , and he was absolutely perfect . Looking back at the videos , we were ALL over the place , but we had developed a great bond at that point and he went exactly where I pointed him at the exact speed I asked him for . It was great . Another very memorable show was the Gymkhana I took pony too . I really loved it because it took SO much effort from me and pony , and we came out the other side of it ( second place overall ) but also a much better bonded pair . While that was not obvious at the time , it was pretty much the cruddiest conditions you could imagine , and we fought through it , and I know next time it will be way easier . One of my other favorite shows was one that we put on by ourselves . I don 't know if I have told the story of Sombrero yet . . . . but if I haven 't , please let me know because its a greatly terrible one . Basically , I was hired as a Wrangler for last summer , summer 2012 . I was leaving June 11th , and I really wanted to go to one last gymkhana . Me and Shannon had gotten up , loaded the trailer , loaded the tack , loaded the horses , picked up my horse from a different ranch ( Kadin ) . We got to the show , started to open the back trailer doors , I walked in , started untying Kadin , Brett pinned his ears and gave him evil eyes , and he freaked out , slammed his head , and we had to head back to the ranch to wait for the vet to come with stitches . Anyways , ( yeah , thats another greeeeat story ) we didn 't get to go to that gymkhana , and that was the last one I was going to be able to go to before I headed out to Colorado for the summer on the ranch . So , since that didn 't end up working out , we talked to a bunch of people at the barn and made our own gymkhana ! Everyone was invited , we did a few different classes . My friend ( that made me the belt ) made bronc halters for the winners ( they were seriously gorgeous ! ) . One girl brought snacks , one girl brought drinks , basically , everyone contributed in some way . I didn 't have any horses to ride at the time , so me and Allison both shared Liam . I made ribbons for everyone . We had about 13 people running events . The idea was also to have a super chill event for people who were afraid of showing . One of the girls there who is super amazing and a good rider , went to her first gymkhana at the same time I went to mine . . . she wasn 't thinking far enough ahead , and fell off twice at that gymkhana , both times because her horse stopped at the end before she did . It wasn 't anyones fault , she wasn 't hurt , just her pride . Which is totally understandable ! But she didn 't want to go to another gymkhana . There was also another woman who never wanted to go , so we wanted to have a fun ' show ' like environment . It was SO MUCH FUN ! ! Heres the ribbons that I made for everyone . I should do a tutorial on making your own horse show ribbon haha . They were easy , but WAY time consuming . Took me forever . And , I still have quite a few left haha . If you don 't know what pinterest is , or haven 't tried it , you are honestly missing out . Basically you look through ' pins ' and it is a virtual pinboard , so there are recipes , pictures , articles . . . anything you would rip out of a magazine and pin to your wall , is the way I see it . There are crafts , things to do with your kids , awesome time saving ideas , things that make your life simpler , helpful ways to organize , things to make a workout regime . . . seriously anything . Theres also quite a few equestrian pinners too ! Here are some of the things I 've seen that make me die of laughter . . . . Ok , Seriously though , I am obsessed with ' Hey Girls ' . They are sooo funny . And theres soo many equestrian ones . I have a video somewhere of Ryan Gosling actually reading them , and its so funny , I 'll have to put the link to that someday . I would really like to get more into working cows . I have a tiny bit , but not very much . I wouldn 't mind to learn to rope too . Also , I think jumping is cool to learn , and me and pony are getting there . It is a bit slow going because while I am trying to improve my english seat , I also don 't want to lose my western seat , and I also ride bareback along with trail riding / riding around the ranch . I think that eventing is really awesome too . I feel like the basics of dressage are things that I do in every ride with pony , sans perfect collection . When seeing the lower level dressage tests , its honestly all stuff that you should always be working with your horse on , controlling their gaits , getting lower transitions , and upward transitions , transitioning from every gait , moving off your leg , etc . With that being said , I am totally not saying that dressage is a piece of cake , if anyone takes it that way . I just mean that my understanding of the lower levels of dressage is that its really being able to communicate quietly with your horse and have your horse be responsive to you . The only things I 'm not really interested in doing right now in my equine life is driving . Not to say that I won 't want to fiddle with it down the line , I think its awesome , just right now it 's not something I 'd want to test out . I think I pretty much covered most things you can do with horses ! So poor pony got moved to a different paddock setting on Thursday evening . When I went to see her yesterday her entire butt was swollen , and she had a hefty bite mark out of her RH . Poor pony : ( So I saddled up anyways because my trainer said it would be best to get her moving and stretch out her hind a little . So we did some long trot and some walking and took a little jaunt around the ranch . How cute is she ? In case any of you don 't know what this is , its awesome . Its at any drug store in the hair aisle , specifically under the ' ethnic hair ' section . It costs about 5 dollars and is literally a olive oil spray . Its better than any horse detangler , cheaper , and better for their hair . It also makes it super shiny , and has a kind of sweet smell . One person at the barn got everyone else onto it , its seriously the best stuff ever . Spray enough of it in and it will get any amount of mud or tangles out . Then I use one of these puppies and brush that pretty thing out ! If pony isn 't muddy at all , and its not shedding season , I skip the metal curry . If I am really in a hurry and am only jumping on her bareback or whatever , I skip the plastic curry ( She stays really clean , i wouldn 't do that if she didn 't stay so clean ! ) Also , I don 't brush her mane and tail every time . I don 't want to rip out excess hair if I don 't have to , and as long as it doesn 't have massive tangles in it , I leave it alone , unless I 'm bored or don 't feel like it . The only two things that I do every single time , is pick out her hooves and brush her coat . I sometimes even pick out her hooves after we ride , just to make sure that she didn 't get any rocks lodged in her feet that would bother her . I can usually always deal with her , its not really a big deal . I have , however , been having one main struggle that I am finally admitting I need some advice on . I have a lesson with my trainer tomorrow , and I will in fact talk to her about it , but the truth is , that I am doing everything correctly , and really need some crazy off the wall suggestion . Her biggest problem is that after we lope , her trot gets CRAZY . She will have a huge bouncy trot , then realize that we aren 't going to canter again and slow down to a barely moving trot , then try and get really really big and fast again , and I have SUCH a hard time managing her trot after the canter . She anticipates the canter , and I have done a heck of a lot of stuff to let her know that we don 't always canter . Basically , I switch it up a lot and give her different stuff to do and definitely do not make a set routine . She just really wants to lope . A lot of times , when I am posting after we lope if shes giving me a crazy trot , she will just start to lope again , I will relax and close my fingers , and she gives me the slowest most pathetic lope I have ever felt , and I know she knows what I want . Anyways , does anyone have any off the wall advice with what to do ? Ripping her mouth off won 't help , she will get pissed and end up crazy trotting the second I give her reins again , its really a matter of getting her refocused , and she has been getting better about this . Maybe once every 5 rides she will do this , its definitely not every time . I think part of it is that usually she does this most at night , when she has food in her corral , and I think she thinks that the faster she gets through the ride the faster she can go back and eat . I think it will take more time of me riding her , its still only been a few months since I 've been riding her . She is still figuring me out , maybe she thinks if she does it long enough , she will get away with it . . . . not with me my darling pony : ) Hmm , I may have been avoiding this one a little . I honestly don 't have an Idol . I haven 't been riding all that long , about a year and a half now . I didn 't grow up in the culture , and now that I am riding , I don 't think I am completely emmersed in the culture . I don 't know when there is equestrian on tv , I couldn 't name a barrel racer if my life depended on it . I couldn 't name any famous show - ey equestrian if my life depended on it , honestly . Except this guy , but only because once you see this picture , it really has a way of sticking with you I really respect and idolize people who have practiced and made the art of natural horsemanship famous . People like Buck Brannan and Clinton Anderson . Also there is a man named Dr . Lew Sterret , who is a pretty awesome guy . You can see his website here . My grandmother saw him doing a clinic and got his shirt and sent me his book . It 's all about how your relationship with horses is similar to your relationship with god , etc , etc . My grandparents are very devout southern baptists , and while I am not religious like they are , I appreciated the book . ( My personal religious philosophy is that the way I act reflects upon myself . I should treat others with respect , respect myself , and really try to be the best person I can be . ) I really loved the book , and while there was a lot of religion in it , there was also a lot about his relationship with horses and how he trains them . 1 ) He was always great with horses , and finally got noticed by a reputable trainer and was offered a job under him . ( This was when he was young and just beginning his professional career . ) One day the trainer had given him the task of having the horse put his front hooves in a tire , and move the back ones around it . So basically , a turn on the fore . He said that he started by having the horse step into the tire , then tried to move his hind . The long of the short , was that he was so concerned about making the horse do it so that he looked good on his new job , he hit the horse with the whip every time he took a wrong step . The horse had no idea what was being asked of him . Later , the trainer helped to show him to start from the beginning . Only ask baby steps of your horse . Then move on to the harder task . He had given the horse a task that he did not know how to do , and offered him nothing but criticism . Looking back , he said he has always felt bad about the way he treated that horse that day , and has never gone a day without regretting it . 2 ) There was a horse at one place that he worked at . The horse was clearly high strung , and had more spirit than many other horses . He was a good mount , but always had his head high . The trainer of that horse could do nothing to get that head down . His solution , was to take him out into a field , and tie his head down onto a concrete slab for a few days . He said that once that horse came back in , his spirit was broken . He was no longer the same horse . He didn 't have the sparkle in his eye , and never acted the same again . He said that was when he realized he didn 't want to be associated with people who used those methods , and he never , ever , wanted to break a horses spirit . Those don 't exactly sound like passages that you would want to idolize , but those were two things that just really stuck with me now that its been over a year since I read the book . But the breaking a horses spirit , thats something that creeps up on me all the time . I never want my horse to feel like they don 't have an opinion , or a say , or that they are only there to cart me around . I want them to have spirit , to be able to run through the fields with me with no collection in sight . One other thing that comes to my mind when I think of equestrian idols . . . . Has anyone seen Wild Horse Wild Ride ? Me and bubby watched it a few weeks ago , and it really was great . I think it helped me work with pony a lot , seeing how scary it is for the mustangs . There were a few of the ' good old cowboys ' that worked with the mustangs . She got her mustang Saturday night , and was on her by monday . If there was one way that I could describe the way she treated the horse , I would say fearless . Like , honestly . I think she was so sure of everything , that the horse had no time to even think ! It was honestly like the horses attitude was ' what the hell , shes crazy ' . Which honestly , is a pretty cool attitude , when you think about it . She was just so dang confident , the horse had no option but to be confident as well . By like three weeks in , she was riding her horse bareback and bridleless . She trusted in him , and in turn , he trusted in her . There was one other guy in the movie that had the same approach . He put his horse in a round pen , and then just kind of sat on the edge of it . He finally got up , walked about halfway in , never making eye contact , and then turned around and went back to the fence . He looked like he had forgotten something and was going back to get it . He continued to do that , everytime getting closer . He finally got right up to the horse , reached out to touch him , the horse stood still , and he turned around and went back to the other side again . It was honestly hilarious to watch . The attitude of the horse was that he was so damn curious about what the hell the guy was doing that he forgot to be scared . So I guess , I don 't really have an answer for you about who my equestrian Idol is . Check back in a few years , I bet I 'll have one then . By the way , here is the trailer for Wild Horse Wild Ride , in case you haven 't heard of it . It was definitely worth watching , it was really good . It was so interesting to see different peoples approaches to it . I was able to find it on Redbox , if you have those in your area . Pony is an awesome horse with kids . She 's super cautious and will be perfect for them . If they ride her , she goes super slow and makes sure to keep them safe . He was feeding her carrots , and he kept dropping them when her lips got close to his hand . Then , I held his hand in mine to help him feed her , and when she took it he started screaming and clapping his hands in excitement , when he was basically this close to her face . She kind of moved her face back in surprise but was pretty much like ' oh the little thing screams at me . ok . . . ' Alright , everyone needs to take a look at this picture , and wonder if shes not like part donkey . I mean , come on ! ! ! Look at those ears ! It makes me laugh sooo hard when I see this picture . He wasn 't scared of her at all , but he was definitely a little bit nervous of her big lips and wandering nuzzle . Look at how sweet she looks though : ) She 's all over her new little friend . But also , sooo gentle , There was never a step too close , or any semblence of a nibble . So a quick catch up , when I was in oklahoma I went riding , got put on a cruddy horse and got switched to a totally awesome horse . While this horse was totally awesome , I snapped my ankle , HARD , and definitely thought I broke it . It wasn 't the horses fault , it was completely mine . The tack I was riding in was way huge for me , too long of stirrups even on the shortest setting , too big of saddle , thinking back I would have been better off riding bareback ! This horse was a nicely bred somewhat expensive cutter ( unfortunately no , there were no cows to work ) and he had the dreamiest lope I have ever felt . It was nicer than the one gaited horse that I rode , and I didn 't even feel like I was moving when I was riding the gaited one ! So he was just wonderful , but the stirrups were at the point where if my heels were not down , my foot was touching the stirrup . So I was riding with barely any contact in the stirrups at all , and they set out barrels for me . I went to take the first barrel at a right turn , and DAMN can this horse turn . I put leg on too early , since I didn 't think he 'd turn so fast and he turned in front of the barrel and turned so fast and so well that I lost my right stirrup completely , and when I did that I overcompensated for the left stirrup right as he came back up from the turn and basically since I was barely touching the stirrup it got slammed down into it and turned my ankle completely on the side , basically so that the bone on the outer side of your ankle was touching the bottom of the stirrup . It was brutal . It wasn 't the horses fault , it was mostly mine for having ill fitting tack . Anyways , so once I got back I went to the barn , and saw Pony for the first time in two weeks . And , since my ankle was still swollen and hurt , and Pony can be rough on your stirrups when shes crazy and hot , I did some ground work with her ! First day I brought her out and groomed her , which of course took forever because she was filthy after not being groomed for two weeks ( and she doesn 't wear a blanket ! ) I then just jumpThen , the next night , I went out with a pocketful of carrots . I taught her to bow ! It was slow going , shes a mustang and is not naturally trusting , and when she bends her legs with her head beneath her , thats a very vunerable position to be in ! So I worked on that for about fifteen minutes , and then , with her halter still off , I took the rope and wrapped it around her neck and jumped on ! She was kinda spazzy , but didn 't try to do anything other than walk . Day three was the best day ever . It was seriously awesome . I wish I had pictures of it , but I was lame and didn 't take any . I groomed her , found an old rope and tied it around her neck , and jumped on . I started to walk around the ranch . Now , I know most people will think I was being stupid and careless . No way ! I was showing my horse that I trust her , and in turn , she can trust me . I wouldn 't do this with any horse , and also , the entire ranch is gated , so if she took off , I can easily jump off of her , and she would probably just run back to her home . No harm done . So anyways , I started to walk around the ranch , and found my trainer at the upper arena . She saw me a little ways off and just shouted ' omg your crazy ' . You know your doing something awesome when your trainer thinks your crazy ahaha . There were a few other people that ended up riding around the arena killing some time until another horse was ready to be ridden . We made the funniest group . It was me , bareback with only a rope on a pony , this girl who was on this huge OTTB who had the weirdest habit of kicking ( I have never seen that huge of a butt on a thoroughbred ! ) She would just stand there , totally relaxed , eyes relaxed , head down , ears relaxed , and just kick a leg . Then the next one . Sooo weird . The last horse was this cute paint who was being ridden double by my trainer and another girl . We must have looked like the funniest group ! We walked around the ranch quite a few times . Pony got a little nervous at times , but never more than a few trot steps . The only sketchy part was when we circled the arena ( one side of the covered arena is completely closed , and on the outer side is where the hay storage is . Its kind of in an alley way , and once the sun gets over the arena its a little dark on that side ) we were turning the corner to go down the alley way ish , when two horses in a corral to our right got fiesty and started rearing up at eachother . It clearly scared her and she started trotting down the alley way . She wasnt hugely responsive to the rope when she was obviously spooked . So i just relaxed my body as much as I could and wiggled all over her back in this terrible trot until she had calmed down . It wasn 't much , which is really awesome that that was our sketchiest part ! She was super responsive for the most part to sitting back and saying whoa . She 'd stop on a dime . I think that we 're getting along suuuper well , and I am having sooo much fun with her . I think shes having a lot of fun with me too ! Welllll , we have definitely already heard this story ! My most recent fall was not only one fall , but two falls , in very quick succession . If you haven 't read that blog post , you can read it here . What I mean , is that usually the first time I ask for a lope its in a medium sized circle on either end of the arena . However , I have realized that thats pretty much all I 've been asking of a lope . Ive been doing circle , making them bigger and smaller , and playing with leg yielding in circles , but I really do need to push myself . Which is totally great if your not comfortable with your horse , or are not a confident rider , or your horse is crazy , etc etc etc . However , I am at the point where me and pony are getting along awesomely , and I need to start asking more of her , and in turn ask more of myself . I don 't need to circle her to make sure her lope is controlled everytime . I need to do whatever my plan was , and then if she seems a little rambunctious , then its a good time to circle her and settle her and then try it again . However , I can 't always have a fallback and need to trust my riding ability more ! I think a lot of the time its more habit than anything else as well ! Anyways , basically i had two ground poles , a cavaletti and a bunch of cones . I was trying to make a circle going through every pair of cones and over the ground poles and over the cavaletti . Once she jumped the cavaletti and threw me off balance and I gracefully fell and landed on my feet next to her . The second time , she jumped a ground pole before we got to the cavaletti , she zigged and I zagged and came off hard . My trainer got on her ( its my trainers horse , I have a full lease on her ) and made her do the pattern , and then she changed it a little for me . She took out the cavaletti and shifted the cones a little so that I was still having the same type of pattern ( I needed to make one side more square , rather than round , as if I needed to straighten out for the cavaletti jump ) and then I did that for what seemed like a million circles , until Pony was finally not crazy and I had gotten her there . Basically , it was a shitty ride . But those totally happen , who are we kidding ? Me and pony are doing way better now , but if it wasn 't for the bad rides , you would have no gauge of how far you 've come and how much you have improved ! Plus , that day really was great for me to work with pony on REALLY relaxing and figuring out how to read her . I honestly think it was a breakthrough day . The main thing I learned was ' sit back and relax , if your relaxed , she will figure it out . But you have to give her the chance to figure it out herself , she 's like a teenager and she won 't listen to you until she believes it ' Chili - you tricky bitch ! I wish I could ride you now , you were such a funny mare . I was so inexperienced and overwhelmed , man would we have fun now ! Oreo - I wish I could give you a better life . You were bored , and your owners suck . Im sorry . You are so beautiful ! But don 't let that go to your head . Your one tricky mare . Chrome - You probably feel like I have abandoned you . I 'm sorry . I wish you didn 't scare me like you did . I wish I had the time and confidence to make you something amazing . The facility wasn 't working , and I honestly just needed help , which you don 't get from an always empty barn ! Kadin - You are the sweetest horse I 've ever ridden . You are my prince charming . Thank you for teaching me to relax . Thank you for teaching me to trust . Thank you for being perfect with me . Thank you for trusting me , thank you for helping me become a better rider . Pony - I am trying so hard . I want you to trust me . I want you to know that you can trust me . You are so good to me , thank you for teaching me the lessons I need to know to be a good rider . Thank you for being what you are , and teaching me how to deal with it . I know I don 't always handle you perfectly , thank you for putting up with me . Liam - You are so much fun . You are such a great pony . I 'm so sorry for what your owner has been doing , I hope you get everything you deserve at the new barn . You are awesome , I wish there was more I could do . # 1 . There is a barn with two stalls , a large corral , a small paddock all connected . Inside the barn to the other direction there is a tack room and some empty space that could be converted to another stall , or used as hay storage . Problem is , that with five acres , why keep your horse / animal in the corral area ? Let them have free roam ! Then , you have to keep hay in the tack room . And comeon , horse people have too much tack to be sharing it with hay ! ! My dream barn / farm has cover for my horses , but also a lot of space where my horse can be a horse ! It has easy access to tack etc , and space to tack up that is close to the tack room ! I would like an arena , and lots of area to explore , even if the exploring area is off the property ! I would like it to be cute and pretty , but my horses health / well being comes first ! I of course would like some enclosed space where I can keep my horse should they be hurt , etc and need to be on stall rest for whatever reason . As long as my barn doesn 't fall down on my horsies like this one is about to ! |
Yes , we are so happy . he has yet to leave our arms . he is so tired that he can barely walk . But boy was he hungry ! Yes , you can put his picture up ! He loves attention . Chino may have three legs , but he sure does not know that . This dog can move , fast and long . He typically runs about 5 miles everyday . We learned a lot through this process . Make BIG signs and talk to EVERYONE ! I received a call from Chino 's people that he was lost in Temescal Park in Oakland . Since I already had a search scheduled for the next day , they asked to set one for the following day , and they would keep looking for him . I received the above emails the night before the search saying they had found him . Posted by This is the last half of the track . The first half didn 't survive because the GPS was sporadic through the heavy trees , mountains and stormy weather . The two pins are very strong sightings . View Track 11 in a larger map Recorded : Fri Jan 29 15 : 30 : 32 PDT 2010 Little is a neutered 12 year old , indoor only , solid black DSH with no collar or ID tags . He escaped by accident as his people were bringing things in from the car . He had been sighted across the street a couple of days after being missing , but was not spotted for almost another two weeks down by the grade school a couple of blocks from his home . His person did not believe that the sighting down at the school was Little , but we did get a positive scent in that area , and we continued it for several miles straight into the hills in that area . Along the way , we did get two positive sightings of a cat matching Little 's description along the track . Little 's people stopped the search after the minimum four hours . They said they would keep looking for him . Posted by I received the above emails about one week after the search . Bido had been found far outside of the development several miles away . They said she walked up to a house , which also happen to be the house of a friend , who did not know Bido was missing . " So she made her way across the canyon to a family friends house . They called tonight and said " hey guys we have your dog and she is covered in ticks and fleas . " Her fur was all red from her red collar in the rain . Our friends did not know she had been missing for 9 days ! I am not sure how she got that far - I mean she would have had do go down the canyon at the back of the house up and down a second canyon and up a HUGE mountain where there house is up windy roads . But the house is literally a straight shot across the mountains from the back of her house . Unless she went out the gate and down Carmel Valley road around and then up , but that seems even more unlikely . I wish she could talk and tell us where she has been . It is just crazy to me that just today I wrote you back to say at this point I have lost hope that she could still be found alive . I thought for sure the coyotes had gotten her given the terrain and time passed . I know my mom and dad will sleep well tonight with little bido snuggled at their feet . Sierra on the other hand I guess it pouting , she had her hair standing straight up her back like " wait a minute , why are you back ? ? And then she pooped in living room - not sure what that is about ? ? Weird . Anyway , I keep snuggling my Yorkie puppy thinking I hope he never gets away from me , but through this experience I am forever thankful to have found you . I know now where to turn . And most of all by encouraging people to continue the search . You do a wonderful thing dedicating your time to helping our lost furry children find their way back home . THANK YOU ! ! ! That is wonderful . I am glad she is safe at home . I am not surprised she traveled that far since I see it all the time . I had a call a couple of days ago from a man whose cat was missing almost a month in San Francisco . She is a totally indoor only cat with no tags or microchip . We tracked her from Bay View district near Candlestick all over their neighborhood and then all the way down along the bay to near Crissy Fields in the Marina where they stopped the search . He came home from work this week and found her inside his garage in a trap he had been setting every day . Give Bido a big hug from me and Dino and Dot . I am sure she is glad to be home . I think Sierra is glad to see her , too . Bido is a spayed female , brown and white Jack Russell Terrier . She is wearing a collar with ID tags and has a microchip . She accidentally got out of the house during a very large storm in the area when a back door blew open . Her home is in a very large ( 20 , 000 acre ) private and gated and fenced housing development built deep into the Carmel Mountains . The entire five hours we were tracking Bido , other than other family members and friends on the search , I did not see another resident of the community , other than the guard at the gate . Mountain lions , coyotes and bobcats are very common in the area . We found Bido 's track leading away from the house and then out and around and back out to the road . From here it went left down to where other houses were , however , nobody was living in these houses at this time . They were either under construction or living out of the area . We continued to follow her track for miles in directions all around the area , and finally past her house and then back to the main road which eventually leads to the only way out of the area , which is a guard shack staffed until midnight . I explained this to Bido 's people , and they said they would continue to look for her , even though they still felt she had a high chance of being eaten by wildlife in the area and they felt their chances of finding her were very slim . I told them that I had seen many animals successfully make their way through all kinds of similar territories and make it out alive . Foo Foo ( aka " Foo " ) is a microchipped and neutered , small , blond one and a half year old Cocker Spaniel mix . During a rain storm , Foo got out through a side gate in the yard that blew open . According to Foo 's person , there was a possible sighting of Foo a few blocks from his house the following day of his disappearance . However , Foo 's person was not convinced that the person who said they saw Foo actually saw him . We decided to start the search there to check it out . The track continued around parts of Alameda and then crossed back over another bridge back into Oakland . Just passed this last bridge is where Foo 's person stopped the track . He had to go pick up his son at school . He said he would continue the search for Foo on his own . About two weeks later I received another call from Foo 's owner , except this time he was extremely upset . He said that Foo had been found , however , he said that Foo had been picked up within only a couple of hours following his disappearance . He was very angry with me because he felt that the dogs and me had led him on an entirely false search , and he demanded his money back . I told him that the people who picked up Foo had to be not stating the correct time when they picked him up . I told him that I had seen that in the past with other people who said they incorrectly stated the wrong time that they picked up an animal . I said that I was 100 % certain about the track my dogs followed , plus we had two completely independent people stating they said that they saw Foo . At this point Foo 's person now stated that the two independent sightings were incorrect and that my dogs were not following the correct track . He insisted I return his money . I said that I had performed my job correctly , and that he needed to talk to the people who found Foo and ask them why they were telling him the incorrect time when they picked him up . Snuggles is an indoor - only , declawed , neutered nine year old Siamese / Tonkinese mix . He is wearing a blue collar with paw prints with a rabies tag from his veterinarian , and he is microchipped . He was last seen sometime during the night . He has access to a side yard through a cat door , though his people says he never leaves the yard and always stays inside . Search Day # 1 : The track we found led from the side gate , down the street , zig zagging up and down walkways and driveways . At the end of the street , the track turned to the right and went along the street doing the same , going up and down walkways and driveways . When we got to the end of the street , the track crossed the street and make a left hand turn , and we were now on the sidewalk , and we continued down the street , all along the sidewalk for many , many blocks . Pretty soon , I figured that something had changed from how the track was at the beginning since we were now going directly down the street as if he were in a car or being carried . Being in a car was the best guess since we were walking along the right side , the same side as traffic . This continued for several more blocks . Suddenly , at a corner , the scent when directly to the right , up a set of stairs to the door , down the stairs , around the edge of the house and then under the gate that leads into a backyard . We approached the person at home and asked her if we could check her yard for the missing cat . She was very agreeable . We checked the yard , and the dogs indicated that the scent was to the back and into a couple of storage rooms and then into the closet of one of the rooms . Both dogs indicated that the cat had spent some time inside that closet . We asked the woman , who was Asian , and had a difficultly with speaking English , said she did not know anything about a cat . We continued the track , which was still outside the house and continued down the street , as if the cat was still being carried , though not in a car because the track was now along walkways and through schools and over foot bridges . We were kind of confused what we we were looking at until we came up to a warehouse after crossing a car bridge and into Oakland . The warehouse was just over the water . However , what we saw when we got to the warehouse were people who looked very similar to the woman at the last house . They let us look through the warehouse when we said who we were looking for . The scent went all over the warehouse , up some stairs to a storage room above the office . The give away was that when I got to the office , after on a minute or two , there was a young Asian woman who said she had not seen the cat we were looking for . I thought that was strange since I did not tell her who we were looking for , and Snuggles ' person had not talked to her yet . What we thought was that somebody from the front who we were talking to immediately went to this woman and showed her the flyer . This woman looked very similar to the woman at the house where Snuggles ' scent was in the yard and closet . What we thought was that Snuggles had jumped from the car who initially picked him up near his house , and then he ran into the yard and storage closets . This woman called somebodSearch Day # 2 : I got a call from Snuggles ' people the next morning that a Siamese looking cat had been sighted on the far end of Alameda . This person had received the Findtoto phone message about a Siamese missing in his area , saw the cat that morning while walking his dog , and called immediately . I went to that spot , and the dogs definitely indicated that the scent belonged to Snuggles . We followed that track for several hours all along the edge of Alameda going in and out of schools , homes , apartment complexes , shopping areas , more apartments and on and on and on . After about four hours , we were at the far end of Alameda , almost near to where we ended the search the day before . My guess is that Snuggles was backtracking his way from how he got to the far end . His people walked him to a nearby grocery store and tied him up out front of the store and went in to do shopping , like they had done the previous five years with never an incident or evening hearing that this was an unsafe practice . When they came out of the store , they found Jojo gone . A security guard in the parking lot said that he saw an older white woman with a type of accent walking away with Jojo from the front of the store and off to the side . He did not know that she was not Jojo 's person since , he said that he did not see Jojo tied up in the beginning . The front of the store did have a security camera pointed in that area , and Jojo 's people attempted to have the store management release the tapes . However , the management refused , and the tapes were not released to the public for a couple of days . I was called by Jojo 's people that evening that he was missing , and I came out the next morning . We found a track leading away from the store and then in and around numerous neighborhoods for over an hour . The track eventually lead to an apartment / projects complex , and directly to the back of a specific apartment through the backyard . The dogs even indicated that no other scent led away from the apartment backyard , which meant that the dog had to enter the apartment that way and not come back out . Jojo 's person made contact with the people inside the apartment . They said that they did not know anything about Jojo . Jojo 's person asked them if there was anybody else in the apartment that might know about Jojo or who could have come home with him . They said the only other person in the home was their mom , but she wasn 't home . They said she was at work . The description of the family matched the description of the woman who was seen by security walking away with Jojo , and the family members all had accents , which we narrowed down to eastern Europe , possibly Russia or Czech . I took the dogs to the front of the building and found the front door of the apartment . I had the dog check the dog and ask if there was any scent leading away , and they said yes . We followed the scent through the neighborhood and then all the way down to the Embarcadero and then through all of the vendors along that area . It appeared that Jojo was still being walked by a human . The next day I received a phone call that somebody had spotted Jojo at Lombard and Steiner , a few blocks from Chrissy Fields and where we had stopped the day before . The sighting had been late in the afternoon the day before when we tracked him to that area ! Jojo 's people had been putting out flyers in that area when somebody spotted her and told her . They continued to look for him . About a week later they received a phone call from Jojo 's microchip company that Jojo had been dropped off at a vet clinic in Marin County by some people who said that they had found Jojo in San Francisco . They told the vet that could not keep him since they lived in Oregon and they were on their way home . Luckily the vet was suspicious and scanned him and found his microchip ! Jojo was home the next day . Dorian Grey is a outdoor only FIV positive grey Persian who is approximately 5 years old . He is not wearing a collar and he does not have a microchip . He would frequent his person 's house and would regularly hangout in the backyard . One day he did not come home to eat . We found his track leading away from the house and then in various parts of the local neighborhood and then for several blocks down one of the mains streets . We would see the track go off to the left of the street where it appears he finds a dead end along the water ( common in Alameda ) and then goes back to the main street where he would continue . The continued throughout Alameda where the track went along the water and to the end of parking lots and other areas . In my experience with animals lost on Alameda , the animals just go until they hit water ( which is all very close ) and then they turn and keep going . After four hours , the search was stopped by Dorian 's person . She said she would continue to look for him . Based on the search , it looks like Dorian was chased out of the area and was trying to find his way back . It appears Dorian and his person are very close and he wants to get home . Yoshi is an unneutered eight month old male Yorkshire Terrier . He is wearing a red collar , but had no tags and does not have a microchip . He escaped from the yard when the side gate got left open by accident . He was last seen approximately 6 Pm that night . We found Yoshi 's scent leading to the left of the house and then up the street and into a yard of a private school . He did the mountain goat routine and was climbing cliffs and hills . Eventually he came out of the schoolyard and then went in and out and up and around numerous neighborhoods for several miles . If he was traveling at night , nobody would see him in these places . After several hours of searching , we were in the " Broadway " area of Oakland and his people called it off . There were no sightings . They said they would continued the search on their own . Archer is an indoor / outdoor , neutered , nine year old , 20 lb tuxedo cat . He is not wearing a collar , but is microchipped . He had been missing for a few days when I was called . He was outside his home when a loose neighborhood dog chased Archer up a very tall tree . Archer 's person was nearby and saw what happened . The dog was brought in doors , and then they attempted to get Archer down from the tree . Archer was coming down from the tree , when he fell to the ground and then ran off . We found his track leading out of the condo complex and then to the right into the neighborhood . The track continued up and through some neighborhoods . The dogs did indicate some sustained scent in some large sewage pipes on one of the streets , which I think meant that Archer spent some time in those pipes , maybe waiting until he felt safe to go out , maybe at night . From there the track led down to the downtown area of Walnut Creek . Here I learned that Archer 's person regularly walked Archer up and down these streets . Actually , she said that she would take Archer to a wide variety of places , where Archer would stay outside the door , like at a friend 's house , until his person came out to get him . The track went for several blocks all the way down to the end of the downtown area . From here it went under the highway , along the edge of more neighborhoods and then out to a very long and narrow open space in between two neighborhoods . This continued for several miles all the way into another city . This space was a walking path with a lot of hiding spaces for a cat to walk and then dart to the side for quick cover . We did find the track would suddenly dart off to the side at various points . We continued until almost five hours when Archer 's person stopped the track . We got a ride back to her home . She said she was going to go back to that area later in the day to distribute flyers and walk around . I received an email a couple of days later that Archer had returned to his home . His person felt that the search with the dogs was a total fake sincePosted by Jess is an indoor / outdoor seven year old , neutered , black DSH . He has a collar on with no tags , and he is microchipped . There have been no sightings of him since he went missing , which was less than 48 hours when I was called . He is on medication for a recently diagnosed eye condition . Due to the eye condition , his person brought a tag to put on his collar called a " Locator . " His person would use the hand held device to go find him when he would not come home in time for his medication . The device is a is credit card sized and has a type of " hot " or " cold " set of lights on it to let her know when she was near Jess . We found his track leading away from the house and then into distant neighborhoods and in and out of canyons , along cliffs and more canyons . Finally , we came out into neighborhoods and then followed it for quite a ways . Jess ' person finally stopped the track after five hours . She told me she did not feel we were accurately following Jess since she did not feel that he would ever go this far . I explained that either he was chased from the area of his home or he traveled a little further that day and got lost , which would lead him in areas where he was unfamiliar with . To me , he made it back to the area of his home , though unable to make it back completely , which he is able to do . He is an experienced outdoor cat . He was hiding in the garage , since he was unfamiliar with the area , when they found him . Julie is a seven year old , Orange and White Persian who weighs only four pounds . Due to a birth defect she could not eat solid food through her mouth . She had to be tube fed and her person had been doing this several times a day for several years . While her person was bringing groceries in and out of the car , Julie darted outside . I was called out within 48 hours of her missing . No sightings had been made of Julie . When I got there , obviously , Julie 's person was extremely upset and frightened of Julie 's situation since Julie could not eat solid food and would starve without immediate help . She wanted to check the large , enclosed storage areas under the house to see if she had somehow gotten in there , even though all the areas are locked and secure . We also checked the garage , even though she said she had checked it out thoroughly . After an hour of checking parts of the house , we were able to check the track leading from the house . I found a track from the front door that led out to the street , which was an isolated , narrow and dead end mountain road . There was little to no traffic on the road . Julie 's track led out to the road , to the right around the garage and then down the steep hillside , which the garage and house was perched on . With the help of ropes already in place to climb the hill , we were able to follow the track around the perimeter of the house and then the track went around the house and then behind another house and out onto another road that was below Julie 's house . From there the track went back up around the road and back to the road that went in front of Julie 's house , past it , up the road to the end of the road and through a gate to the property of a house that is under construction . We tried contacting the police and the security company , but nobody knew how to enter the property or who the property belonged to . We finally made a drive to the local police department and asked how to reach the property and who might own it . The police officer was very nice and he directed us to the other side of the property , based on a local map . We drove up to that area , and we talked to another neighbor along the property and she said that that property under construction belonged to another person who lived in a house nearby . She told us where that house was and how to reach it . We went to the house , and found two young boys at the house . Julie 's person told them about Julie and that we needed access to the property to look for Julie . The boys called their parents , and their parents gave them permission to open the property to us . However , they were not able to find the correct keys to the two gates . They said they had the keys to the gate down near Julie 's house , but not for the ones up on the top . We decided to drive my van back down to the other road and enter in through there . They met us down there to open the gate . Once we were in , I had the dogs check and they found a track that led up the driveway under construction . From there it went to the shack where all the tools were kept and then the track went up the stairway and then out to the gate that was up by the house where the boys were staying . What this meant was that Julie had passed through the property and up into the neighborhood . At this point , Julie 's person had to go to an appointment , and she said that she would continue to look for Julie on the other side of the property and in that neighborhood . Hi JackieJust wanted to let you know that Peanut Butter came home tonight ! I got home from work , opened the garage door which I had left open a crack on purpose , and the animal trap I bought had a prize ! She 's home and happy . Just wanted to give you an update ! cheers , eric Peanut Butter is an indoor only spayed female Tortoise Shell DSH . She has no collar and is not microchipped . There are two other cats in the house . She got out by accident when the garage door was opened . There had been no sightings of her in the area . We found a track that led up a street next to the house and then it went up and around and around neighborhoods . We got to one neighborhood that was at the base of a hill in the area where we found a set of condos and townhomes perched on the edge of the hill . Peanut Butter 's track led straight into a gated community , but we were able to enter it . It went into one of the yards , but the dogs did not indicate that the scent came back out . We asked several people , but nobody saw her . We left posters all around the neighborhood . All of these apartment , house and townhomes had yards , so I decided to check down the street to see if her scent came out from one of the house somewhere . We did find it down near the end , around the corner and then up another street . This street led up a steep hill into a large public open space which goes to the top of the hill where large power stations are . Eventually we did pick it back up and then followed it back around and back down into the neighborhood and then strangely enough it went right in front of their home , but kept going . We followed the track for a few more blocks , which were now all on the very urban city streets . I asked Peanut Butter 's person he noticed how different the first part of the track was compared these last few blocks and he said that he did . I said I thought it looked like somewhere between her coming out of the park on the hill and their home , she got picked up . She may have been hiding somewhere or she may be injured and somebody found her . He was confused since he felt that there were flyers all over the neighborhood and he felt that everybody knew she was missing . I asked him what day did his trash get picked up in his neighborhood , and he said it was the day after she went missing , which was a Friday afternoon . So , this person appeared to be a person who goes to the recycling cans during the night and picks them up . He must have found Peanut Butter hiding some place along the way , and maybe she was so scared or hungry and went along . Or this person surprised her and took her by force . Either is possible . We followed the track mile after mile all along these urban streets until we got a storage yard . Here the track led us around and around the storage units and then directly to a cat food feeding station on the property . We asked the manager and he said that a cat rescue group comes by to fill up the bowls everyday . We left a flyer at the station . The track continued around the yard and then down to where an old RV was sitting . There was somebody living in the RV . The track went around the RV and then went back up to the main level of the yard . From here the scent went out through a chain link gate and out to the street . After seeing this , I confirm with Peanut Butter 's person that it looked like a transient person had Peanut Butter and he agreed . From the storage yard , the track continued down the road , all the way up along Third Street and onto the Embarcadero and all along the piers all the way to the end of Fisherman 's Wharf . By the time we got to the end , it was almost dark again and we had to catch a cab back to his house . The track was clearly following dumpsters and trash cans for the person to pick up recycling or find food . See the letter at the top of the post from Peanut Butter 's person almost one month after she went missing . What this means to me is that she got loose from this person and made it back . This person may have returned to the area where he picked up Peanut Butter and she got loose , or she made it back along the way . Sake is a four year old , indoor only female blue point Siamese . She had no collar or a microchip . There are two other cats in the home . She had been missing for over a week when I was called . The husband had moved the washer / dryer away from the way to clean and paint the area . He had covered up the hole for the ventilation hole that leads to the outside , but somehow it came loose and Sake slipped out in the middle of the night sometime between 10 PM and 6 AM the next morning . We found Sake 's track that led away from the house , down the street and then behind the house where there is a dirt road that connects to houses on both sides . From there her track lead around the neighborhood and down streets and all around the area and eventually went into San Carlos , next door . From there , the track was still Sake running loose on the street until we got to a house where the track went into a front yard and Dot found it around and around the yard and then to a far back corner . After this house , it appeared that Sake was in a car because the track suddenly changed to a cat walking on the street to how a car would drive . The track led us for a couple of miles up roads , up driveways and then back out onto the road . After about five hours of searching Sake 's people called it off . I recommended contacting rescue groups to see if they picked her up since she had not collar or microchip to identify her . I also said that she could escape from these people and attempt to make it home . I received an email about three weeks later that Sake had been found a few blocks from her home . The husband insisted that Sake had never left the neighborhood and felt that the track we were on was a total fake . He felt that since Sake did not look like she had been on the street for over four weeks and that she was not skinny that there was not way she could have gone that far . He felt that she had been hiding in that same area for since she escaped . I explained that no cat could survive without any food or water for that long of time and would not sit still for that long . He insisted that the track was totally incorrect . Posted by Sophie is a five year old Norfolk Terrier . She is wearing a purple collar with a bell and ID tags , and she is microchipped . She lives on a six acre farm , and she disappeared from her home as her person went inside to answer the phone . Her people also have a puppy from Sophie who is about four months old . Her people did not know how she left the property , which is fully fenced except for the front gate , which is always open . She had been missing for a couple of days when I was called out . After a three hour drive , I arrived around 10 AM . We found the track that led out of the front gate and then made a left down the street and went down a large driveway that led down to a house with a lot of loose dogs . Then the track led out and into another house . This place was very suspicious because it was all fenced in . The tenant swore that no dog could get in and that the gate is always closed . However , he did allow us in to check and we found Sophie 's scent all over the yard , but we couldn 't find a way out . I decided to check the surrounding area for her track out . We finally find it coming out of that yard into a next door neighbor 's yard and then down their driveway and back out onto the main road . We know she was in that house , but we don 't know for how long . From here Sophie 's track took us on a trek all over the area for miles in many directions . This is a very remote , rural and mountainous area with many farms , ranches , abandoned homes and everything in between . At one point , in one of the yards , one of the people said she had seen a mountain lion in her yard just a couple of days before . I mentioned this to Sophie 's person , and he patted his left pocket on his safety vest . He said that since moving to this area , he never wandered around with having a hand gun with him . I didn 't know if I felt safe or not . Sophie 's track took us that day from one end of the town all the way to the other , which ended at a very large open space that appeared to be a large dirt lot where men would come and drive their massive 4x4 trucks around and get covered in mud . There wasn 't a single sighting of Sophie all day . Sophie 's person asked me to come back the next day and pick up the track , and I agree to come back the next morning . We started day two from where we left off yesterday . We continued to follow Sophie 's track through Oroville on all types of roads in every direction . This took all the way back toward the other side of Oroville , closer to her home . The track went into some very remote mountains where we found ourselves totally stuck in a bunch of thick berry bushes and practically crawling on our hands and knees . Remember , Sophie is only an 11 pound dog , so this would not be difficult for her . We finally crawled our way over some fencing and the dogs crawled underneath . The scent continued up a road , and we found ourselves on a very isolated farm with very large , modern buildings . The woman who came out with a very large and aggressive dog was not nice and ordered us off the property immediately or she would call the police , even after we told her we were tracking a dog that came through here . We did find the track off the property and it went out onto another remote dirt road . Among ourselves , we figured that we had stumbled upon either a pot farm or a meth lab . Strangely enough , before we entered onto that property and we had just climbed over the fence we found a ShihTzu type dog hiding in some bushes . I walked right past him , but Sophie 's person saw him hiding . She walked up to him and picked him up . He was very scared and hungry . About a mile down the road , a small truck drove past us and the daughter flagged them down and asked if they had seen Sophie . They said they had seen her , but they didn 't remember the day . Today was Thursday , and I asked if it was in the last couple of days , and he said " no . " He thought it was on the weekend . I asked Saturday or Sunday and he thought for a minute and said " Saturday . " I asked him morning or afternoon . He said morning . I asked him around what time and he said around 9 or 10 because he was coming back from an event . He said he tried to help Sophie , but she ran away . He looked at the picture , and said it was definitely Sophie . He confirmed the purple collar and the tag . We continued on the search . The track led down the road and then made a right . About a quarter of a mile , both the dogs dragged me over to a spot on the left side of the remote road where there was a lot of old and dried blood and a lot of tufts of brown and black hair . The hair and blood was across the road and on the right side , but heaviest on the left side . I showed the hair to the daughter and she thought that the hair looked like Sophie 's , especially since Sophie had a recent hair cut before being lost . We looked all over the area , but could not find her collar . Since we were in a very remote area , and it would be dark soon ( we were in the sixth hour of the search ) , we decided to call her father to show him the spot to get his . We had to walk quite a ways to get cell phone reception . When we did , we called him and asked him to come pick us up . When I saw him , I could tell he knew something was up . We drove back to the area , and showed him the hair . He thought it was Sophie 's , also . I told him I had a scanner back at my van , and that I could follow him back here to see if we could scan the road for a microchip . I scanned the bag of hair he had picked up and I scanned the road , but could not pick up the microchip . |
by Andrew JoyceApril 10 , 2017April 13 , 2017 Tommy " The Rat " Callahan was a small - time Irish hood from South Boston . He was known as " The Rat " because of his rather long , pinched nose and his beady eyes that were set too close together . In short , Tommy looked like a rat . And the fact that he was not above ratting out a comrade to advance his own position added to the mystique of " The Rat . " He had no family except his sister , who he idolized . Tommy was on to the caper of all capers , if only he did not fuck it up as he usually did . Tommy had learned , quite by accident of course , where there was one hundred large - one hundred thousand dollars to the rest of us - kept in a safe . He had cased the joint , and it looked like a breeze . All he needed was a cracksman to handle the safe . Once again , to us law - abiding citizens , a cracksman is a safe cracker , one who opens safes without a combination , and without the owner 's permission for that matter . For this job , he thought he would use Scooter O ' Malley . Scooter was the best in the business , but he did not come cheap . Tommy thought Scooter might take it on spec , but then he 'd be in for a piece of the action , Scores of this sort don 't happen everyday . No , Tommy would figure a way to get into that goddamn safe without paying an arm and a leg to do so . However , before he could worry about that , Tommy had to see his sister . Not a day went by that Tommy did not stop in to check up on Joanie . She was the only family he had . And in this rough and tumble world you can 't be too careful . Tommy considered Joanie 's well being the most important thing in the world . He 'd even turned down being in on big scores because it would have involved him being out of town for a few days . It didn 't matter that on each of the three occasions when he had turned down the invitation to participate , the crews were busted . And the individuals involved were now doing hard time in Norfolk , the state 's maximum - security prison . As Tommy entered Joanie 's apartment , he heard the usual greeting his dear sister reserved just for him . " Not you again , fuck wad . Don 't ya ' ever knock ? " " Why do I gotta be like that ? Why do I gotta be like that ? You fuckin ' dumb mick you . You beat the shit outta Billy Doyle last night for just holdin ' my hand . And he was about the last guy in South Boston who would even speak to me . " And so the Callahan siblings continued the same discussion they 've had daily for quite some time . You see , Tommy had appointed himself Joanie 's protector when their mother died . They never knew their father . He had run off with a burlesque dancer a year after Joanie was born . But Tommy was not subtle about protecting his sister 's honor . If Tommy saw his sister with a guy , he would assume the guy was up to no good ; and most of the time , he was right . So , as a result of many pummelings , word got around not to mess with Tommy Callahan 's sister if you didn 't want to get your face rearranged . Which left poor little Joanie Callahan without a boyfriend - something she greatly desired . Tommy thought to himself , I don 't have time for this crap , not today . I 've got things to do . So he approached his sister and tried to give her a good - bye kiss . She ducked his attempt at brotherly love and said , " Sit down for a moment ; I got something I want to tell you . " " That 's just it , Tommy , I don 't need no protecting . You got this mixed - up notion in that fucked up head of yours that I 'm still eight years old . I 'm a woman of twenty - two , and I have a woman 's needs . I want to love and I want to be loved . " " Don 't interrupt , Tommy . This is the way it 's gonna to be . I 'm dating whoever I please , whenever I please . And the first sign of trouble from you , I 'm outta here . " Tommy did not like what he was hearing . No , not one bit did he like what he was hearing . However , he knew Joanie well enough to take her advice - for once - and keep his yap shut . To Tommy , there was nothing more important than Joanie , and he would have to figure a way around her ultimatum , but that could wait . Right now , he had to scare up a plan to get into that damn safe with the hundred large in it . So , for the next two weeks , Tommy looked at it from every angle as to what he could do to effect his score without bringing someone else in on it . But try as he might , no way presented itself . Of course , he could open it ; there were explosives . But he wanted to open the safe and not get caught . An explosion would bring every cop within miles of the damn place before he could get a block away . And besides , with the luck he 's been having lately , he 'd probably blow himself up instead of the safe . He was so busy trying to figure something out , he thought this would be a great time to let Joanie think she got her way . That 's why he stayed away for those two weeks . But not seeing Joanie for so long left an emptiness in Tommy . So on the fifteenth day since he last spoke with her , he thought , The hell with it , I 'm goin ' over there . She 's had her little tantrum and she 's had two weeks to think she 's got her way . I know she hasn 't been seeing anyone or someone would have blabbed it to me by now . Upon arriving at his sister 's place , Tommy tried to enter in his usual way , bursting in without knocking . However , his ingress was hindered by the fact that the door was locked . He took a step back and stared at the door for a moment , as if he had never seen one before . Then he stepped up to the door to do battle with it . He started pounding on it as though it had wronged him in some great fashion , all the while yelling , " Sis , sis , ya all right in there ? " Within seconds , the door flew inward , and there stood Joanie , hands on her hips and a scowl on her face . Tommy let out a sigh of relief when he saw that Joanie was unharmed … and her usual lovable self . " I thought somethin ' might have happened to you . Jeesh . I haven 't seen you for two weeks , anything coulda happened . " Joanie shook her head in disgust before saying , " Tommy , it was not about ya leaving me alone . I - and only God knows why - love you , you 're my brother . No , Tommy , it 's about me seeing who I want , when I want , and with no interference from you . " " You know I haven 't been seein ' anybody from around here . Your Southie rat - fink friends woulda ratted me out , and you woulda got your goddamn mick ass over here a long time ago . So don 't give me none of your mick bullshit . " There was not much Tommy could say to that . Joanie was right . She knew it , and he knew it . However , he did try a bluff anyway , " But I stayed away like you wanted . " To which Joanie just shook her head before walking back into the kitchen where she had been when Tommy started his Tom - Tom exercises on her door . Tommy stayed where he was , looking like the big goof that he was . Then Tommy thought to himself , Well , this is good ; sis has a girlfriend she 's hangin ' with . Maybe it 'll get her mind off of running around with guys . Now all I gotta do is find a way into that goddamn safe . It was at this juncture that Joanie hit Tommy - SMACK - right between the eyes . Figuratively speaking , that is . Joanie was quite capable of physically hitting him smack , right between the eyes , but this time she only wanted to speak with him . Joanie said to Tommy , " Go over to the table and sit down . I got somethin ' I wanna tell ya . " Tommy dutifully obeyed and sat himself down , awaiting the pronouncement from on high , which was not long in coming . Joanie started by saying , " My friend will be here soon , and even if I threw your ass outta here right now , you 'd know what 's goin ' on sooner or later . So I 'm tellin ' ya now , so it can be done and over with . " As his sister was speaking , Tommy was thinking , All this shit just because a girlfriend is comin ' over . Does she think that I 'm some kind of asshole who doesn 't want her to have any friends ? Sheesh ! " It 's not a girlfriend that 's coming , it 's … " Joanie faltered . She was having trouble getting out what she wanted to say . But after a few seconds , she took a deep breath and said , " He 's a guy . " That was it … just three little words . At first , Joanie thought , Tommy looks like he 's taking it well . However , that was not the case . As with most things of a new or complex nature , Tommy 's cognitive thinking took a while to kick in . So , while Joanie was thinking , This might not be so bad , Tommy was thinking , What 'd she just say ? A guy , what guy ? What 's she talkin ' about ? Eventually the message hit home . And by the slow change of expression on Tommy 's face , Joanie knew there was trouble ahead unless she cut it off at the pass , so to speak . She took the initiative by saying , " Just one cotton - pickin ' minute . Don 't start no shit and there won 't be no shit . Got it ? I 've been seein ' a guy and his name is Paul . He 's in town for his sister 's wedding . We met over at Tina Ruggerio 's house , and he 's a very nice boy . Polite , has manners , and most important of all , he likes me . And you , Tommy Callahan , ain 't gonna screw this up for me . Got it ? " By now , Tommy had regained all his faculties - speech , thought , the whole nine yards . His first thought was , No way . And the first words out his mouth were also " No way . " " Stop right there , Tommy Callahan . I told you before , one peep outta ya mouth and I 'm California bound . Got it ? Don 't answer because I don 't care if ya got it or not . So what 's it to be ? When Paul gets here , are you gonna act decent or do I go into my bedroom and start packin ' ? " So what 's a guy to do in a situation like this ? Tommy had been around the block more than once . And he knew his sister well enough to decide that now was not the right time to start a war . He did not think these exact words , but his thoughts were along similar lines . Sometimes discretion is the better part of valor . He shrugged his shoulders and said , " Okay , sis , you win . When does the paragon get here ? " " He 'll be here soon . I 'll introduce you , and when I give the high sign , you split . And no fuckin ' bad language when he 's here , I don 't wanna give him the wrong idea about our fuckin ' family . Got it ? " Joanie didn 't wait for an answer ; she turned her back to Tommy and resumed her domestic duties . And Tommy ? Well , he just slumped back down in his chair , a defeated man . Tommy may have been defeated , but he thought it only a temporary defeat . He was one mick from Southie who knew the score , who could roll with the punches . Oh no , not by a long shot is this over , thought Tommy . Just then , there was a knock at the door . And the hip mick who could roll with the punches was startled into jumping two inches off the chair upon which he was sitting . Tommy , who was still sitting in the kitchen , heard the reception Joanie had given her guest and thought , This I gotta see . So Tommy walked out of the kitchen and into the living room and he could not believe his eyes . He 's wearing a suit , a fuckin ' suit . Ya gotta be kiddin ' me , thought Tommy . He did not say that aloud . The look he was getting from Joanie had withered men stronger than he . Turning back to Paul , Joanie said , " Paul , I would like you to meet my brother , Tommy . And Tommy , this is Paul Puglisie . " Tommy was standing about three feet from Paul and hesitantly extended his hand . In turn , Paul grabbed it , and with a firm grip said , " A pleasure to meet you , sir . " Tommy said nothing . Nothing , that is , until he received a surreptitious kick to his shin from Joanie ; then he said , " Glad to meet ya . " But thought , You 're not foolin ' me , buddy , with your fancy suit and your fancy manners . No , not one bit are ya foolin ' me with those manners . I invented manners . Of course , Tommy had not invented manners . In fact , he barely knew what the word meant . Once the formalities were out of the way , Joanie said , " Why don 't you boys get acquainted . I 've got somethin ' to do in the kitchen . And I 'll put these beautiful flowers in some water , thank you so much , Paul . " " No , Paul . You and Tommy get to know one another . Dinner 's almost ready , and Tommy 's got a business meeting he has got to go to ; don 't you , Tommy ? " " Huh ? Oh yeah , down to the Union Hall . Me and the boys got a meetin ' planned . " Tommy was quite proud of himself for coming up with a lie like that on the spur of the moment . Why not , thought Tommy . He grabbed a chair and turned it around , then straddled it . He sat with his arms folded on the back of the chair and stared at Paul . Paul sat on the couch and smiled at Tommy . At this point , Tommy started thinking , which for Tommy was always a herculean affair . I know this guy from somewhere , but fuckin ' where ? " Aloud he said , " Joanie tells me you 're in town for your sister 's wedding . I wish Joanie would get married so that I can stop worrying about her . But hey , that 's no hint , I 'm just sayin ' . " The fact that Tommy was sure he knew the cat just gnawed at his soul , until he exclaimed , " I 've got it ! You were with that dago outfit that did all those Back Bay heists . Smooth work , that was . Too bad you guys had to take a fall . When your crew went down , is that when you hightailed it out to Chi Town ? " " Don 't give me that shit . I used to see you wops around Lorenzo 's Pub . I remember you because you were pointed out to me as the best cracksman in all of Boston , north or south . They said you were even better than Scooter O ' Malley , and that 's sayin ' somethin ' . " This guy Paul was the answer to Tommy 's prayers . A guy who opens safes like the rest of us open our medicine cabinet door each morning . And I 'll get him to do it for love . It won 't cost me a cent , went through Tommy 's mind as he smiled his Cheshire cat smile at Paul . I just need a few minutes alone with this guy without fuckin ' Joanie bein ' there to throw a monkey wrench into the works . Then he had it ! He called to his sister in the kitchen , " Hey , sis , me and Paul 's gonna go down to the packy to get a bottle of wine . " " Nothin ' , sis . Paul just wanted to get you a bottle of wine to go with dinner . He asked me where the closest packy was , and I told him I 'd show him , it would be easier . Don 't sweat it , sis . This is the type of guy I been hopin ' ya 'd hook up with ; not like the bums down here in Southie . I mean , what 's not to like ? He 's got manners , and not too bad lookin ' , huh , sis ? Too bad he 's a wop , but ya can 't have everything . " Tommy did not wait long before he started his play . On the way down , while still on the stairs , he said , " So what happened with the Back Bay thing ? Why wasn 't you hauled in with those other wo … I mean guys ? " Paul sighed and said , " Listen , you seem to know the score , so I 'll tell you . But , you 've got to promise not to tell Joanie any of this . I like her , I like her a lot . " " Well , my job was to open the safes . I seem to have a talent in that direction . I was never part of the crew ; they would hire me on a per job basis . They would find the score , get to know the layout and do their homework . They were really professional about it . I would be called in only if there was a safe involved . But when they started doing houses in the Back Bay … well , all those houses had safes . The way it would work is , the night of the heist , I 'd wait in my car about two or three blocks away from the action . The crew would have already cased the joint , they knew if there were dogs , guards , or whatever . Once they had secured the premises and overcame all obstacles , I would get a call over the radio , just one word , ' clear . ' With that , I would walk to the house , enter , open the safe , and then walk back to my car and leave . I wouldn 't even open the door to the safe . It was none of my business what was inside . " Because I was just an employee , not part of the crew . And those guys don 't squeal . They 'd rather take the max than talk . " That , Tommy did not want to hear . Just then , they reached the package store and entered . " Joanie say what kind of wine she wanted ? " asked Paul . Paul paid no mind to what Tommy had said and continued down the wine aisle , inspecting the array of wines . Tommy , on the other hand , had planted himself by the magazine rack , and was paging through a copy of Playboy . Paul finally selected a wine , paid for it , and together he and Tommy left the store for the return trip to Joanie 's apartment . But Tommy wanted to slow things down a bit ; he had not finished pumping Paul . As they approached a bus bench , Tommy said , " Let 's sit here for a minute and let Joanie finish fixin ' dinner . And besides , there 's somethin ' I gotta tell ya . " " Sure I do , sure I do . Amor in the spring . Only it 's not spring it 's summer . " Tommy thought that was a hoot , and thinking he had a brilliant sense of humor , could not stop from laughing . This revelation took the wind out of Paul 's sails . He had grown very fond of Joanie , and anything that affected her , affected him . As those thoughts coursed through his mind , he came to the realization that he was in love with her , and he smiled inwardly . Then he said , " Is it serious ? " To which Tommy replied , " Well , yes , and no . She could stay healthy and maybe live another ten years , but … " That was Tommy 's specialty , letting his mark think the worst . When Tommy saw the look on Paul 's face , he knew with a certainty that he had him … hook , line and sinker . So he continued , " Yeah , the operation is expensive and we don 't have the money . Hey , don 't think I 'm askin ' , ' cause I ain 't . I 'm just sayin ' . Anyway , I know where I can get the money , but I 'm gonna need a little help . And I was thinkin ' you might be just the guy I need to help me save Joanie 's life . " Tommy thought to himself , If that doesn 't get the poor sap , nothin ' will . Tommy decided he had laid enough groundwork for the night . He figured , and rightly so for a change , that the slow move would work the best . He stood up and said , " Come on , Joanie 's probably throwin ' a fit , we 've been gone so long . Tell ya what , if you 're interested in helpin ' , why don 't we get together tomorrow and talk this thing through ? " Tommy was going to say , If you 're interested in saving Joanie 's life , but thought better of it at the last moment . Even Tommy knew that was laying it on a bit thick . " Of course , I want to help . Let me give you my card , I 'm in the insurance business now . Here , I 'll write my mother 's phone number on the back . I 'm staying with her . I left my phone in Chicago ; this was supposed to be a vacation , and I didn 't want to be bothered with a lot of phone calls . " When they reached Joanie 's , Tommy escorted Paul to her front door and said , " I 've gotta go to that meetin ' . You two lovebirds don 't want me around anyway . I 'll call ya tomorrow morning , and remember , not a word to Joanie . She 'd rather die than accept help from someone outside the family . Good night , brother - in - law … hey , you never know . " With that inappropriate quip and a nudge to Paul 's ribs , Tommy left the young lovers to their own devices , at least for that particular evening . For the first time ever , Tommy did not fear leaving his sister alone with a man . He thought he was a good judge of character , which he was not , and he felt Paul would behave himself . In this observation , he was correct . And as he descended the steps , he thought , Paul 's the one I should be worrying about . I hope Joanie takes it easy on him . Tommy would not have used his sister for all the money in the world . He believed Paul was a safe bet for a few days , then once the safe was opened and he got his hands on the loot , he 'd run that wop right outta the city and back to Chi Town where he belongs . The next morning saw Tommy up bright and early . He had not gotten much sleep for thinking of his soon - to - be wealth , and the man of means he would become . However , he did have to call Paul before any of his dreams could come to fruition . He wondered if 7 : 00 am was too early to call , but then thought , No , I 'll play it cool . He did not want to seem too eager , so he would wait till nine , but having to wait those additional two hours would just about kill him . Meanwhile , back at the ranch , Joanie and Paul had had a lovely dinner and spent a lovely evening together . When you are in love , everything is lovely . Because of Paul 's belief in Joanie 's vulnerability and because he was already on the precipice , he fell madly in love with Joanie that evening . And as far as Joanie was concerned , she had never met a boy like Paul before , plus he was so handsome . But most importantly , Joanie had looked into his soul in the way only a woman can , and saw the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with ; Joanie also fell head over heels in love that night . Meanwhile , back at the other ranch , Tommy was chomping at the bit to call Paul . He wanted to get the caper going as soon as possible and get it into full swing . That little beauty of a Corvette he had already picked out called to him . And he sure as hell was not going to let her call go unanswered by leaving her on the display room floor of the dealership . He had to get his hands on that money no matter who he had to step on . At precisely 9 : 01 am , Tommy dialed the number Paul had given him . The person who answered the phone seemed to think there was some mistake . Tommy was advised that , " Mr . Paul was still in repose , and if you would care to leave a number by which you may be reached , I am sure Mr . Paul would be more than happy to return the call when he awakens . " Tommy simply said , " Nuts , I 'll call back , " and hung up the phone . What the hell was that all about ? What 's this Mr . Paul crap ? As it turned out , Paul was from a very wealthy family of Beacon Hill stock . Who knew ? It had been the old family retainer that Tommy had spoken with , and as with all old family retainers everywhere , he was loathe to awaken the young master . It killed Tommy to wait , but wait he did - until noon that is , and then he tried again . If that goddamn wop ain 't up yet , I 'll kill him , but only after he opens the safe , thought Tommy as he redialed the number . To his surprise and delight , the phone was answered by the young master himself . How democratic of him . " Finally ! You guys sleep all day ? " And by " you guys , " Tommy meant Italian - Americans , though those particular words were not in his lexicon of phrases . Not being aware of Tommy 's previous call , Paul was perplexed at Tommy 's initial statement . However , after speaking with him last night , Paul had decided to ignore Tommy 's non - sequiturs and get right down to business . Paul informed Tommy that his parents were having a lawn party at their Back Bay estate , though Paul used the word " home " rather than estate . Still , " a rose by any other name , " etc . He also told Tommy that he had invited Joanie and was sending a car for her . He concluded by saying , " Why not come out with Joanie and we can talk at some point this afternoon . The car will be at Joanie 's at 2 : 00 p . m . ; the party is informal , just wear a sports jacket and slacks . " Tommy did not have much time , so he rushed home and got his single dress jacket . He did not know if it was a " sports " jacket or not , but it would have to do . He dressed quickly , slicked back his hair , and made a beeline for Joanie 's . On the way there , he rehearsed his spiel until he had it down pat . His sister would not trip him up this time with her incessant questioning . He arrived at Joanie 's about 1 : 30 . Good , he thought , this gives Joanie time enough to get all the shit out of her system before the car gets here . It would not do for the help to hear us bickering . Tommy just could not believe how his sense of humor had improved recently . Of course , it had not , but for Tommy to quip as much as he had in the previous twenty - four hours was quite an improvement … for him . He tried to enter the apartment in his usual manner , but to no avail ; the door was locked , but this time he did not panic . In fact , he was quite the gentleman . He politely knocked upon the door and awaited a response . And he prayed that it would not be a typical Joanie response . Without going into the gory details , the upshot of the siblings ' " discussion " was that Tommy did his usual lying and told Joanie that he and Paul had hit it off so well the night before that they had exchanged phone numbers . And that Paul had called him with an invitation to the party , suggesting that they both ride out together . Joanie knew Tommy was not to be believed one hundred percent . Hell , you were lucky if twenty percent of what came out of his mouth was the truth . But it was plausible , and besides , she did not have the time to beat the truth out of him . She figured she could either confront Tommy , or finish making herself beautiful for Paul . She chose the latter of her two options . " No shit , Sherlock , " was Joanie 's only reply . The brother - sister team left the apartment and got into the Lincoln Town Car that Paul had sent for Joanie . They were off to their first Back Bay party - actually it was their first Back Bay anything . The ride out to the Back Bay was uneventful ; each of them looked out their own window , deep within their own thoughts of the future , and spoke not a word . There is no need to chronicle the events of that afternoon . There were only two developments , which are germane to our story . One was the meeting between Tommy and Paul , the other is what Tommy observed while mingling with the upper crust . Upon arriving at the Puglisie home , Paul took Tommy and Joanie up to the roof garden and introduced them to various people . After a few such introductions , Paul said , " Tommy , can you manage for a while ? I want to introduce Joanie to my parents . Help yourself to the refreshments , and get to know some people . See you in a little bit . " Until Paul came for him an hour later , Tommy sat by himself at a table with a large umbrella , and seethed . Tommy was just wishing Paul dead for the umpteenth time as Paul walked up and said , " You picked out a good location ; we won 't be disturbed over here . Joanie and my parents hit it off , I couldn 't drag her away . So , let 's get our talk out of the way while we can . " He then pulled up a chair and sat down as Tommy thought , About fuckin ' time , asshole . Tommy thought , Well , he does get right to the point . That 'll make things a lot easier . Then he said , " Okay , Paul , I 'll cut to the chase . I got a safe I need ya to open . There 's enough cash in it for Joanie 's operation . " " Wait a minute , let me finish . How many guards are there at night , if any ? What are the shifts ? What kind of safe is it ? When was the last time you were in the building ? Tommy , there are many things to know before you go into any place , let alone an office building in downtown Boston . Did you think any of this through ? " " I didn 't think so . During my time with my former employers , I picked up a little knowledge of how a job should go down . Now I 'm sure you don 't want to take a fall , and I sure as hell don 't , so if you don 't mind , how about letting me plan this caper ? " " Sure , Paul there 's no ego involved . We 're doin ' this for Joanie . " But he was thinking , You 're damn lucky I need you , you fuckin ' wop . Paul continued , " I 'll take you down to the library where you can write down all you know . The building name , the address , what floor the safe is on , name of the business in which the safe is located . In short , write down everything you know from your own research . I 'll go there tomorrow to check things out . You stay away . There are cameras everywhere nowadays , and even if you don 't see them , you have to assume they are there . The first thing the police will do after the heist is review the video . Have you been back there in the last ten days ? " " Good . Most machines can only hold seven to ten days ' worth of video before deleting it to make room for the new stuff . I 'll disguise myself somehow so when they do review the video , I won 't be recognizable . Your job will be to monitor the comings and goings of the security staff . You won 't have any trouble picking them out . After hours , they 're all in uniform . Take as much time as you need . If you see nothing at one entrance , say the front door for instance , move to another location to observe what 's going on , like the back , or side door . But stay at one vantage point for at least five hours . The guards , and we don 't know if there are any , that we are interested in will most likely come on duty sometime between four o ' clock and eight o ' clock . Do not go from entrance to entrance on the same day , you may miss something . And stick at it no matter how boring it gets . Try not to be conspicuous , wear a hat and sunglasses , carry a newspaper , and pretend to read it while keeping your eyes on the entrance . And stay with it until you know if there are guards , and if there are , the times of the shift change . Do you think you can handle that ? " " Yeah sure , but is all that really necessary ? Can 't we just walk in some night , catch an elevator , and bust into the office ? You 're supposed to be so good , we could be out of there in minutes . " " No , Tommy . The safe may have an alarm , there may be guards in the building , any number of things , big and small , could land us in Norfolk for ten years or more . And how do you plan on getting into the building to begin with ? Have you thought of that ? They 're not going to leave the place unlocked just to make it easy for us . So let 's do it my way , okay ? " " My best friend when I was growing up used to stay overnight sometimes when we were kids , and I would amuse him by opening the family safes … we have two . He would blindfold me and I would do it strictly by touch , with a little hearing thrown in for good measure . Later , when he hooked up with his crew , he told them about me . They eventually approached me and wanted to see what I could do . I agreed . I was kind of a show - off in those days . They took me to a number of stores in their neighborhood and asked the proprietors if they would allow the " kid " to try to open their safes . All agreed , and all thought there wasn 't a chance in hell I could do it . But I opened every one of them . I think there were six in all . A short while after that I received a call , asking if I would like to work for them on a piecemeal basis . I jumped at the chance . I was only twenty , and looking for adventure . " Now on to the second occurrence of the afternoon that has anything to do with our story : It is what Tommy perceived concerning his sister and , to a lesser extent , Paul . Whenever they were together , Joanie was positively radiant . There was a glow about her , and Tommy had never seen his sister look more beautiful . The way she adoringly watched Paul 's every move , her eyes never left him for a moment . And Paul seemed to be as smitten with her as she was with him . Much against his will , Tommy thought that they did indeed make a nice couple . This observation of Tommy 's is brought up for one reason , and one reason only ; it was the defining moment of our story , as we shall shortly see . The next day , Tommy was on the job , complete with Sox cap , sunglasses , and newspaper . It is not certain that Tommy could read a newspaper , but he had one nevertheless . That first day , he sat across the street from the " objective , " Tommy 's new word for the building in which sat the object of his desire - the safe with the hundred large in it . His base of operation was a small park , and on that first day of observation , Tommy was sustained by his enthusiasm . He was 007 on the case , but halfway through day two of the stakeout , he faltered . He thought to himself , I 've been watching that goddamn door for a total of six hours , and it seems like six weeks , and I haven 't seen one fuckin ' uniform to save my fuckin ' life . Fuck this , I 'm gonna get me a beer . And with those thoughts , the career of Tommy 007 came to an end . He lifted himself from the bench upon which he was sitting and walked two blocks to an Irish pub . It was in this pub that Tommy performed the remainder of his stakeout duties - not only for that day , but for the rest of the week . Paul had said it would be better if they had no contact while they did their " homework . " They would meet up at the end of the week , compare notes , and come up with a final plan . On the sixth day , Paul called Tommy to set up a meet . " You got a favorite pub ? " inquired Paul . Tommy got to the meeting place early ; he had been sitting in a pub all week , aching for action . Paul ? Well , he had been working all week to ensure everything went smoothly and that they did not end up in jail . Paul continued , " Here 's the set up . Number one , we meet here tomorrow night at ten thirty . Wear two layers of clothes , one light and one dark . Have the dark clothes on top . No jackets . The reason is that if there is a problem and a call goes out to the cops , we 'll be described as two guys wearing dark clothes . But what we 'll do is remove the outer layer as soon as we 're out of eyesight , and then split up . So the cops will be looking for two guys wearing dark clothes , and we 'll be single individuals in light clothing . Next , we 'll park half a mile from the building . If there is a problem and we do have to split up , we 'll rendezvous at the car . " Paul handed Tommy a small package saying , " These are disposable latex gloves , you 've got three pair . Tomorrow night just before entering the building , put on one pair . They may rip ; if so , do not take off the ripped glove - put another on right over it . Your hands will sweat in those and DNA can be taken from sweat . Although I think it unlikely they would do a DNA test just for a simple robbery . But why take the chance ? Once outside , after the job is done , take the gloves off . It wouldn 't do to be walking down the street wearing them . But keep them with you until we can dispose of them down a storm drain . " The lock to the door in which we 're going to gain access to the building is a Schlage . I went to an associate from my old days , and he made me a master key for that door , and for the door to the office in which the safe is located . As to the safe , it 's a Humboldt 850 , a piece of cake . I 'll have her opened within two minutes . Also , I could detect no wires leading up to it , so there 's probably no alarm . But even if there were , seeing as there are no guards , we can still be out of there before any cops arrive . The only drawback is the elevator ; we 'll probably spend as much time in it as we will in opening the safe . That reminds me … there 's a camera in the elevator on the left side , up in the corner . From the time we enter the elevator until we exit , keep your back to that location . When we have done what we set out to do and leave the building , the first thing to do is , as I 've said , take off the gloves . Then we will walk away slowly , like two guys on their way to the Red Line . Okay , Tommy ? " D - Day finally arrived for Tommy . He could not wait to meet Paul , so he got to the meeting place two hours early . When Paul arrived , he was in a somber mood and simply said , " Let 's go . " Tommy shrugged his shoulders , what did he care ? He was feeling exuberant ; finally , after running around looking for an angle , not finding one , coming across Paul , and then scheming to involve him , he was probably not more than an hour away from the score of a lifetime . Paul had rented a car when he first hit Boston and they decided to use it for the caper instead of Tommy 's . They drove in silence into downtown Boston , each lost in his own thoughts , Tommy thinking of the easy life that lay ahead for him , Paul thinking of Joanie . They parked a few blocks from the objective , as both men had come to refer to the caper 's location . Still nothing was said as they exited the car . The two men , one of whom would never be the same again after this night , walked to the locale , which housed the aspirations of each man , though the aspiration of each was quite different . When they arrived at the utility door located at the back of the building that was to be the locus of their entrance , Paul said not a word ; he put on his gloves and looked to make sure Tommy did the same . He then removed a key from his right pants pocket and unlocked the door . Before opening the door , he turned to Tommy and whispered , " Just follow me and do what I say . " By this time , Tommy had stopped thinking his wise - ass retorts to everything Paul said . His contempt for the guy had turned to awe . They entered the building . Paul knew there must be cleaning crews around somewhere . His plan was to avoid them if possible , and if not , he and Tommy would play the part of tenants working late . Of course , the rubber gloves might arouse some suspicion . However , it was Paul 's experience that those who work overnight cleaning office buildings avoid looking directly at any tenants they may encounter . For the most part , they desired no trouble , and just wanted to finish their work and go home . They made their way to the elevators . After pushing the call button , Paul softly said , " Remember , from the time we enter the elevator until we leave , keep your face pointed to the back right - hand corner . You will be facing backwards so it will be on your left . And back out when we get to where we are going . " Upon leaving the elevator , they headed for the office in which sat the safe that had caused these two - who could not have been more dissimilar if they had been born on different planets - to come together . When they reached their goal , Paul took a single key from his left pants pocket and unlocked the door . He then put the key back into its original resting place . There was nothing left for them to do but enter and claim their prize . Paul entered first , with Tommy a close second . Paul turned on the lights and Tommy exclaimed , " What the hell are ya doin ' ? " To which Paul replied , " If someone were to walk by while we were in here and saw a flashlight bobbing around , what do you think would happen ? Those doors are not opaque . Sure , the glass is frosted , but light passes through them . If the overhead lights are on , anyone passing by will think that the tenant inadvertently left them on , or perhaps someone is working late . " Paul turned his back to Tommy , walked over to the safe , and knelt down in front of it . From his back pocket , he extracted a well - folded , seemingly small cloth bag . But when unfolded , the dimensions measured twenty - four inches deep and eighteen inches wide ; it had a drawstring at the opening . Paul handed the bag to Tommy and said , " Hold this and put the money into it as I hand it to you . Now just stand there . " Paul was not in the mood for any of Tommy 's shenanigans , and Tommy for his part was happy to oblige Paul in any way possible . Then Paul got to work opening the safe . After about a minute , Tommy heard , " Damn " coming from the general vicinity of Paul . Tommy immediately issued this prayer , Shit ; not now . God , please , we 're so close . Just let me have this one score and I promise I 'll go to mass every Sunday for the rest of my life . Tommy need not have worried ; by the time he had finished his prayer to the Almighty , the safe was wide open . " Tommy , hold the damn bag over here where I can reach it , " complained Paul . Tommy made a mental note not to pray during capers in the future , it ruins one 's concentration . Paul reached into the safe and brought out stacks of currency , all one hundred dollar bills . He proceeded to dump the stacks of money into the bag as fast as he could . To Paul , there seemed like there was a lot more than one hundred thousand dollars , but he was not about to stop to count it now . Once the safe was empty of cash , Paul told Tommy to draw the bag closed . He then stood up and Tommy noticed that Paul had been sweating profusely . " Anything wrong , Paul ? ' questioned Tommy . " No , I always get like this when I 'm stealing from people . Now get to the elevator and hold it , we want to get the fuck out of here as fast as we can . " Tommy did a double take , thinking , The poor son - of - a - bitch must be nervous , I 've never heard him cuss before . Aloud he said , " Why , aren 't ya coming with me ? " " I 'll be two steps behind you . I want to make sure we leave the place clean . We don 't want to make it too easy for the cops . " Tommy started for the door saying , " Hurry up , I wanna ' get outta here . " Paul said nothing . Tommy walked down the hall and turned the corner , heading for the bank of elevators . Just as he rounded the corner , he heard something that didn 't sound right . It was a jingling sound , sort of like the sound keys make when hanging from a person 's belt . Tommy 's first thought was , Naw , that can 't be right . But , just to be safe , he flattened himself against the wall and peered around the corner . What he saw froze his heart ; it was a uniformed security guard . A goddamn fuckin ' rent - a - cop ! Tommy 's first instinct was to run . Why not ? He had the money . But something held him in place momentarily . He chanced another glance around the corner at the approaching security guard . The man was standing in front of the door Tommy had just exited . He was looking at the still opened door . He hesitated for a moment , and then walked through it . When Tommy saw that , he turned and ran for the elevator , entered , and pressed the button for the ground floor . In spite of his fear , he had the presence of mind to keep his face averted while in the elevator . When the doors opened on the ground floor , Tommy made a beeline for the door he and Paul had entered through just moments before . He reached the door and went through it , leaving it ajar , and found himself in the alleyway before he knew it . He took three steps toward the street and was stopped in his tracks by an invisible force . Try as he might , Tommy could not put one foot in front of the other . The force had a sure grip on him . His feet were rooted to the cement upon which he stood . The force not only held him in place , it entered his mind . Tommy started to think of his sister , Joanie , and how happy she had looked in the late afternoon sunlight , standing by the pool the day of the party . He also thought of Paul , how the man had trusted him to ascertain if there were guards or not ; and how he had given up after only one day , and sat in a bar for the rest of the week . Paul believed in him , had trusted him . With these thoughts of Paul and Joanie swirling in his head , Tommy did something he had never done before in his life ; he felt real responsibility for another human being . Not the phony responsibility of being Joanie 's protector , that was more about him then it ever was about her ; but real , honest to God , if - I - don 't - do - something - that - person - will - come - to - harm responsibility . Paul is up there in deep shit because of my fuck - up , and Joanie would be miserable without him , were his thoughts as he looked down at the moneybag he still gripped tightly in his right hand . Suddenly , the bag started to heat up … it was scorching his hand ; he had to fling it to the ground to avoid serious injury . The moment the moneybag hit the ground , Tommy was released from the force that held him . He was now free to move , and move he did - right back through the utility door for the third time that night . As he reentered the building , Tommy took off running for the elevator . When he entered the elevator , more out of habit then anything else - it was surely not by conscious effort - Tommy kept his eyes on that right - hand , rear corner . Because what Tommy had in mind , it would not matter if his face did end up on the video . Tommy left the elevator at a run , but slowed as he approached the still open door to the caper office . Once again , he peered around a wall . This time he saw that the guard had a firm grip of Paul 's left bicep , and was trying to dial a phone with one hand , while keeping a wary eye on Paul . Paul for his part was very passive , his thinking being , If there is one guard , then there must be others . Why even try to make a run for it ? All this guy has to do is pick up the phone and call his buddies and the whole damn building will be sealed off . Tommy , not knowing what was going through Paul 's mind , thought , You stupid motherfucker , just run ! Then he concluded that if any positive action were to take place , he would have to do it . He instantly came up with a plan , which for Tommy was rather remarkable . However , much like Tommy , the plan was simple ; but in this particular situation , the simpler the plan , the more chance of its success . As just stated , the plan was simplicity in and of itself : Tommy would exchange himself for Paul . Without further thought , Tommy catapulted himself into the room and took a flying leap , tackling the guard at waist level . As the guard and Tommy tumbled over a desk , Paul stood transfixed , staring at the brawl taking place before him . From somewhere within the din he heard , " Get outta here you stupid fuck ! I 've got this under control . " The words stopped at that point , as Tommy tried to wrestle the guard under control . Then the words continued , " Go , get outta here ! I 'll meet you at you - know - where . " Tommy had suddenly become a thinking machine , he did not use Paul 's or Joanie 's names . Tommy was protecting them . Which the Tommy Callahan of one half hour ago would not have even entertained , much less have thought of doing . He had no plans to meet anyone anywhere , except maybe the police . He wanted Paul safe for Joanie . Paul finally got the message . He figured the physical stuff was Tommy 's forte , so as a man of perspicacity , he left the situation in the hands of an expert and departed the premises . After Paul had left , Tommy continued to struggle with the guard until he had the man on his back and himself sitting astride his chest . Once relatively settled , Tommy said , " Calm down , ya fuckin ' bastard . Ya still get to be a hero , only now ya got me instead of the other guy . " Still the man fought , and the more he fought , the less charitable the " new " Tommy felt until he could take it no longer . He let fly a haymaker right to the man 's chin . Well , that put a stop to the commotion right then and there . At this point , Tommy found himself sitting on top of an unconscious man . It took but a moment for him to realize that there was no earthly reason keeping him in that accursed room any longer . As Tommy walked out of the office , he thought to himself , Fuck the goddamn elevator , I 'm takin ' the stairs . In minutes , he was down the stairs and through the utility door for the fourth time that night . The only thing on his mind was to get to the Red Line and to the safety of Joanie 's apartment . He was three blocks away before he remembered the money . When it slowly dawned on him that he had left it in the alley , he momentarily considered going back for it . However , the new Tommy won the debate with the old Tommy . He shrugged his shoulders and proceeded to the train . Within forty - five minutes , he was standing outside Joanie 's door , and this time he gently knocked upon it . The door flew open immediately and Joanie rushed to embrace him , and there were tears in her eyes . She said nothing , just tugged him into the apartment with a firm grip on his arm . The first thing Tommy saw upon entering the apartment was Paul sitting on the couch with a big smile on his face . Paul greeted Tommy by saying , " Hey , buddy , that was some pretty heroic stuff you pulled back there . " Tommy was too spent to respond ; he flopped down on the nearest chair and sighed . As Joanie dried the tears from her eyes and slowly recovered her composure , she started to get angry , as only she could , until there was a full - blown hurricane by the name of Joanie raging within that small apartment . The winds started to blow when she bellowed , " You goddamn motherfucker ! What do you mean , pulling my Paul into one of your sorry - ass capers ? I 'm gonna fuckin ' kill ya , Tommy Patrick Callahan . " The eye of the hurricane was passing as she finished those words , so there was a momentary calm . However , as with all hurricanes , the eye passes quickly and Joanie resumed her rant . " Do you know ya could have gotten yourself and Paul killed ? Or at the very least have me goin ' to Norfolk once a month to visit ya two assholes . " Joanie was about to continue when Tommy held up his hand in the universal sign for stop . He affirmed everything she had said by saying , " Sis , ya absolutely right . I learned my lesson tonight . Tomorrow I go out and get a fuckin ' job . My caper days are over . And , Paul , I 've gotta tell ya somethin ' . That was crap about Joanie needing an operation . " " I know , Tommy . It took less than an hour for me to reach that conclusion . I knew almost right away you were conning me . But by then I had decided to marry your sister . So I thought I would go along with you to keep you out of trouble . I did not want my brother - in - law doing hard time . But the funny thing is , it was you who saved my bacon . " Paul looked at Joanie and they both smiled . Tommy , seeing the smile that took place between the two , said , " Okay , I 'm a lousy crook . All the trouble I went through to set up the score , and for what ? For squat , that 's what . Go ahead , rub it in . I deserve it . " " No , it 's not fifty thousand either . Joanie and I counted it while we waited for you . There is two hundred thirty - seven thousand dollars in that bag behind the couch . And it 's all yours . Joanie and I have no need of it . " If anyone feels so inclined , I 'd appreciate it if you 'd like my Facebook page . You can click on the button on the right side of the page . Thank you ← My name is Frank Grouard - Guest Post by Andrew Joyce … Tree , Water , and Sun → 15 thoughts on " Tommy " The Rat " Callahan ( A Love Story ) " D . Wallace Peach says : April 14 , 2017 at 12 : 35 am Great story . I lived in New England for most of my life . Great job on capturing the city in character and dialog . Enjoyed it ! Reply Tina Frisco says : April 13 , 2017 at 8 : 29 pm Man , I love this story , regardless of being a dago . The writing is snappy and on point . Also , since it involved an epiphany , it was right up my alley ( minus the money bag ) . Great piece of writing , Andrew . Reply Andrew Joyce says : April 14 , 2017 at 12 : 08 am I 'm glad that you liked it . You are my favorite da … I mean redhead . Reply C . E . Robinson says : April 11 , 2017 at 7 : 41 pm Andrew , another compelling story . Great dialogue , intriguing story theme , and realistic South Boston characters ! Like the ending , love conquers all ! 🎶💛 Christine Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
I 've only got one day to go now then I 'll be off to sunny Spain . I just had an email from Lulu ; that daft Lexy is over there and she 's lost her purse ; apparently she and Bitsy were pissed in one - or more probably , a few of the local bars , and someone 's lifted the purse when she wasn 't looking … . probably when she was lying in the gutter ! She 's too blonde to be sensible . Still no sign of the bloody hoist and , it 's Gent 's birthday on Wednesday ; bank holiday tomorrow so it won 't be arriving then . Joy is very tired ; her walking is pretty bad and she 's a lot more breathless when walking than even a few weeks ago . She did the knickers thing again last night . Fi is just going to love this report , and she 'll have to deal with Gent coming out of hospital now . It 's hard to tell just how he is ; how long he 'll be around . He usually eats very well when he 's at home , and the one - to - one care really helps him rebuild … but he 's pretty wasted and thin and isn 't weight - bearing ; so getting him back on his feet will be a hard job , and it might be that he 'll never get back up there . I hope he gets the summer anyway . And then again , maybe Joy will be the one to slip away first . My really Scottish friends , Morag and Hamish , have just become grandparents for the first time , and they get a granddaughter right away . Morag has just got out of hospital on Tuesday ; she 's got Crohn 's disease , and was in for four months this time . When I first started my travels , she was in a coma ; this lasted for four months ; it came out of an operation … so then after she woke up so miraculously , she got that flesh - eating bug and MRSA . In the end she was in hospital for about eleven months ! I think it 's pretty evident that she is immortal , and cannot be killed . I should create a super hero costume for her . I walked into my bedroom tonight and heard the little voice on the intercom , ' Help ! ' I dived into Joy 's room ; she was lying across the double bed , not hurt , but lost and scared , and wet . When I got to her I gave her a great big hug , and she had a little cry . She didn 't know what had happened , except that she was wet and getting cold . She 'd taken off her underwear and pad ( which was dry ) and wet the Kylie mat on the bed . She said she didn 't remember taking off the underwear and she knew that she wasn 't supposed to get out of the bed . I moved her over to her commode , right beside the bed and changed her nightdress . I was making her laugh now , telling her that everything was alright and that she was a silly old bat . We laughed at that , and I gave her another lovely hug . I got a fresh Kylie mat and tucked her back up again , saying , ' Keep your knickers on ! ' I left her laughing to herself . She is such a sweetie ; you just want to wrap her up in cotton wool ; she 's like a little precious bundle , so delicate and fragile . I know she 's slipping away now ; she is very breathless when she 's walking . Every morning I 'm expecting silence to meet me when I go into the room to wake her up . I finally finished Captain Corelli 's Mandolin and it was definitely not worth the hard slog . I will never read another of his books . I quite enjoyed the Karin Slaughter book . My friend Carrie read her first book , Blindsighted last year in Spain and got caught up ; she read the sample chapter of the next book at the end and had to run out and find it … . did the same with that one and had to run out again to get the next one ! I didn 't love it that much , but it was alright ; I mean she 's not Wilbur Smith or Bernice Reubens . I 've got hold of a novel that was written about the Americans taking over part of South Devon to practise for the invasion , Operation Overlord . The people who really lived there , in five villages ; three thousand of them , were unceremoniously , kicked out of their homes and placed elsewhere , while the army used real armaments . I 've got right into it and will probably finish it in a couple of days , unless the telly gets me . Musician is still in my flat , stinking it out , according to Amazon . Got to get him on the road to getting another flat . I let him stay in my old flat while I was travelling , before I gave it up ; he bought a pellet gun and shot up my clock , photographs , the glass panels above the doors , windows and God knows what else … along with never cleaning it or taking out the rubbish . Just underlining the whys and wherefores of my seemingly cruel & unusual methods of handling my son 's up and coming homelessness . Have managed not to have any chocolate or biscuits or eaten between meals in the last few days , but now I 'm thinking of a cup of tea and a whole pile of bickies ! Didn 't get on my bike either . Well I did get out yesterday , on the 3 . 30 bus into Honiton . It was a beautiful day ; sun shining quite hot … the bus full of school kids , all hustle and bustle . I decided to treat myself to some new clothes ; there 's not much in the way of great clobber in Honiton ( unless you want to spend a whole lot in the little dress shops ) but there is a good cheap shop in the shopping centre . I got 4 tops , 3 skirts and a pair of flip - flops for £ 35 . Some of them I couldn 't get in my size , so had to get the size below and hope for the best . They 're a bit tight but I 'm thinking of going on my bike this week and not eating chocolate biscuits or cakes or anything between meals and drinking loads of water . So far so good . If I can keep it up for 2 weeks things won 't seem quite so tight . I popped into W . H . Smith and found an art portfolio case reduced to £ 5 . 99 … so I had to buy it at that price . Mine was either lost or stolen during my last house - move … with all my artwork in it ! God , how many times in this life do I have to start over ? Very dull day today … so I 'll just get right back to my Karin Slaughter … not that it 's that great , but I want to know what happens next . Am in the middle of a Karin Slaughter thriller … haven 't gone back to Captain Corelli yet . Got quite a little stack of books here to read , but only a week left now so I won 't begin anything big , like ' Wild Swans ' or the Umberto Eco . I 've become a reader of anything in the past couple of years ; when you live in a country where books in the English language are a little harder to get you don 't care about genre , practically anything will do to get your fix . One day I arrived in Alicante to find that my flatmate , Lulu , was reading the same novel , Birds Without Wings by Louis de Bernieres … so we kind of raced each other . Actually , if it wasn 't for that I might 've given up half - way through . I 've read three of his novels now and every one of them does that ; drives you out of it in the middle . I love history , but he 's doing something wrong , and I can 't just put my finger on it . I 've never come across another novelist who falls into this trap . I met Lulu on a TEFL course in Barcelona two years ago . I saved up to pay for the course by doing the work I 'm doing now ; working straight seven and eight weeks at a time , 24 / 7 with only a couple of hours off a day . I thought that I could work my way around the world teaching English ( better than barmaiding it ) but I had conveniently forgotten that I hate teaching ! Also that I hate kids ! So , sometime in May 2004 , I arrived in Barcelona to spend four weeks in really intensive study . Over the four weeks there were tears and tantrums from most students ; we had people from , Australia , USA , Canada , Ireland , Scotland , England , including : Glaswegian , Mancunian , Barnsley , and God knows what else . The Pheonetic Alphabet class was hysterical ; we just couldn 't standardise our vowel sounds . Lulu was the Barnsley Bird . We are exactly the same age , but she 's still a party girl , so we didn 't see a lot of each other at night ; we were in different flats . I shared with Ausie Girl . After the course ended I went back to work in Devon and began looking for teaching work . I always faPosted by This is one of my favoutite photos . It was taken a couple of years ago on the east coast of Devon , maybe Torquay , just can 't quite remember . I love the footprints and the uneven line of the cobblestones and the wall . And on the right is the cropped image of a piece of seaweed . In reality this is a tiny little stub , sticking up from a great pile of the stuff lying across a rock . This is a view of the sea bottom ; an action picture of a mad , bad crab landlord trying to evict the poor old tenant and take over . The water was only about a foot deep and I just held the camera over the top of the water and clicked . Above right is a close - up crop of mussels ; this was my first digital camera and I was amazed at the detail in a photograph . I just kept moving in and in and in . Another favourite of mine . This is just a piece of wood , lying on a garden path , in all weathers ; a garden in Newton Ferrers , near Plymouth . I wanted to use the pattern and colour in this in an arts / craft project . . . haven 't done it yet , but this lovely thing isn 't going anywhere . On the right is a stunning , glowing image of morning dew on the smallest patch of moss on top of a gate post . I go around this world with my eyes closed half the time ; last week I was searching for nail scissors and or clippers and couldn 't find any so I went out and bought myself the scissors and borrowed clippers to do Joy n Gent 's nails - then I saw both clippers and scissors right in front of my face ! But , sometimes I see wonderful and interesting images of the world . I was reading a blog about secrets and came across one which was a photo of a very fat woman , and written on it was , ' I am eating myself to death because I don 't have a gun ' . It wasn 't till an hour or so later that the whole concept suddenly dawned on me ; suicide by overeating . How long would it take and how many diseases and chronic conditions would you pick up along the way ? I never thought about eating myself to death ; although it might be quite evident to some people that I am on that path whether I 've planned it or not . On one hand it might seem a good way to go but not if you arrive at the stage that you can 't leave the house because your legs won 't hold you up , and you can 't fit in a car , bus , train , plane without having one specially made for you ! And , is it still suicide if it takes 20 years ? Amazon told me that she 'd had a strange automated message on my landline in Glasgow saying that someone had incurred a debt from a premium line . That bloody Musician ! When I spoke to him before this he said he hadn 't used the phone at all . He was always a great liar ; even when caught in the act ; I once caught him standing on the landing outside his bedroom screaming that Amazon was hitting him - she was way inside the room ! And then there was the time he became the pound - coin thief . One morning I was looking for the school lunch money ; I had left them all in little piles on the mantelpiece - one coin was missing . We looked all over the house . In the end I said that there was nothing left but to call the police because someone must 've come into the house in the middle of the night and taken it . Musician piped up , ' Maybe it 's in my jacket pocket ' . I asked him why it would be there and he said he didn 't know , ' Maybe the burglar put it there ' . He would 've been about six or seven at the time . I was thinking about Roseanne today , and Louise . They were my two loudest , brashest and raucous friends . It 's hard to believe that they 're dead ; something Roseanne 's daughter told me came into Posted by The sun was flashing on and off today and I tried to get some good photos . The garden is looking good , some red appearing at last ; the camellia is out and littering the ground with petals . This is the Rhododendron Elizabeth , just coming out . And on the right here , is my bedroom just behind the bush . This is the front of the house , well , a tiny bit of it . Thought I 'd get some daffs captured . And here we have the lovely garden . The light 's not going to help create stunning photos but will paint a picture of where I spend half my time . I like this garden ; it 's so peaceful ; the road is on the other side of the house and the only thing you can hear is the birds , or lawnmowers in summer , or now . These are Wonderful Neighbour 's pansies and orchids . Beautiful . He took me and Joy for a little tour of his garden when we came back from the hospital today . Gent was rather tired ; he told us that he had been stuck in the hoist and it took a few minutes to work out that he 'd been left sitting on the commode a little longer than he needed . He said that they didn 't hear his bell and he 'd shouted but they didn 't hear that either . Poor thing . Apparently , they had a pretty awful day in the hospital today , must 've been run off their feet . No sign of the hoist arriving yet . Amazon has sinus trouble according to the doctor . He gave her an antibiotic which seems to be working , so she 's alright . Been talking to my sister - in - law , Sid , on the phone ; she 's busy setting up her internet connection , so hopefully she 'll be reading this blog soon and discover her new name . I 've been busy putting a pile of royal magazines up for sale on ebay . I found them in a little second - hand shop in Honiton the other day ; a huge pile , just waiting for me . I 've been trying to think of something to specialize in ; I usually sell first editions but sometimes they are light on the ground . Royal memorabilia would be good . I 'll head for the car - boot sales when I 'm back in Glasgow . I want to go to some auctions too - haven 't been to one for years - don 't know where they are in Glasgow now . Gent is better every day , almost back to his old self - except for all the weight he 's lost . He 'll be coming home as soon as the hoist is delivered , which could be a week or a day . I 've had such an easy time this work period , just looking after Joy ; hardly any night calls and she goes to bed at seven so I have the night to myself . Though she does need constant supervision ; she can 't be allowed to walk alone because she tends to topple over now , so I walk behind her with my hands on her hips . She 's really slowing down ; when Gent was in hospital last year she could walk out of the house , down the drive to the car , leaning on an arm and with a walking stick , and most of the way through the hospital corridors . But now she 's knackered just walking from her bedside to the breakfast table . I got the district nurse to call this week and take a blood sample from her , just in case she 's anaemic ; she eats and sleeps a lot , so she shouldn 't be that tired . Got to call the doctor tomorrow for the results . Amazon is ill . She was going to the doctor 's this afternoon . She 's got blinding headaches , sore chest and feels more than awful . She had a bad chest infection at xmas … maybe it 's the same thing . I tried to call her a while ago but there was no answer . She might be sleeping , I 'll try again later . It 's been drizzling all day , damp and dull . I wanted to take a photo of the daffodils under the apple trees the other evening when the light was looking interesting ; went in and got the camera only tPosted by This was one of the best pizzas i 've ever tasted . Lulu , Lexy and I took a run out to the waterfall park , near Benidorm - I can never remember the name of the place ; it 's inland , west of Benidorm , maybe Fuerta or something like that . Actually , it 's the waterfall where they filmed the old 60s shampoo advert . It 's the one where the beautiful young woman washes her hair in the river under the waterfall . Lexy 's hair was a right mess ; she 'd completely killed it with bleaching it blonde for many years . So , because she got it wet she had to wash it and treat it . Sorry I can 't publish the photos , but they 're really great . Well we had a fab day . I travelled in the back seat , lounging with cushions and taking photos out of the windows . When we stopped for food it was almost sunset and this was the view from where we were sitting . There is a valley , or gorge just in front of the palm tree , and we watched as the sun set and the lights appeared in the little town across the gorge . It was a beautiful day ; very hot and the water very cold . Lexy is a friend that Lulu met on a train in the UK a couple of years ago . Just remembered that she 'll be in Spain when I get back there in a couple of weeks - I haven 't seen her since last summer . The first time she visited us there , we sent her for bread and she came back with a mad old lesbian . She 's worse than Lulu for talking to anybody . Bitsy , is a friend now , and so are her friends , our friends : there is Lush , who likes a glass of wine or two and tries flashing her large breasts at anyone at all ; and Bunny , Lush 's ex , who used to be a real Bunny Girl ; all of them predatory pensioners . This is The Tape Measure Sculpture . One of the sons of the house here broke Gent 's tape measure ; it exploded into this amazing piece of art . I wouldn 't let them throw it away till I had captured it on film . Sorry it 's not right - side - up . I forgot to do it before I loaded it on ( I don 't know how to delete it and begin again ! ) . I have a thing about odd photographic subjects . I have another one of the sculpturePosted by My daughter called me this morning and told me that No2 son was assaulted last night . He 's alright , just a bit battered and bruised , and not robbed . He lives in high block of flats in Glasgow near the Rangers football ground . She said that he was approaching the block when 2 young men and a girl stopped him and asked for cigarettes , then money , then tried to take his bike from him . He 's 25 and usually pretty hyper - sensitive ; I am so glad that he dealt with this the way he did - it could 've been deadly serious . One of them punched him in the face , there was a scuffle , and the girl smashed a bottle and threatened to stick it in him ! My son told them he didn 't want to fight them and somehow got away into the concierge 's reception area . It 's all on cctv . The police were called and they were all arrested , but now he doesn 't want to return to the flat ; he hated it there anyway . So , now he 's in my new little flat ! Him , and his slovenly ways in my nice fresh bed - linen is not a happy image . I 'm sending my daughter with him tomorrow to see the housing association and get him sorted out with somewhere else to live . That 's all I need ; him and his music blasting the brains and patience out of my new neighbours , getting me evicted before I 've even properly lived there ! Though , I think he is a little better in the loud music area than he used to be ; he has grown - up , ever so slightly . I won 't be back in Glasgow till the end of July but he could make a real mess in that time . He 's definitely not staying there all that time . I know I sound harsh , but I have reason . I 'll feel better if he goes to live nearer his brother , up at Loch Lomond ; he spends a lot of time there anyway . He drives my daughter mad most of the time so she 'd prefer it if he was over there . I suppose I should give my children names ; this blog is about my life and I don 't want to publish other people 's activities so all living friends have new names . The dead are real . I hereby name my daughter AMAZON ; No1 son will now be known as TOPosted by Gent was quite upset today because he discovered that he couldn 't even prune his fruit bushes . He thought that at least he could do a little of that . Last night he had me reading extracts from a gardening book on pruning red currants and blackberries ; something about laterals and leaders . He drags himself about the garden , in terrible pain from arthritis in his hips and knees especially . It 's hard to watch him . Being blind is just an added irritation . He 's 94 now and is aware that every month that passes he will feel more pain and his joints will stiffen so that eventually he won 't be able to get around at all and will be forced to sit in a wheelchair for any movement outside . He just loves to be out in his shorts and sandals , feeling the sun and breeze on his legs , which are now a nice shade of brown . Gent did something yesterday that in some ways surprised me but , in others not at all ; he is a man after all . He took Joy a walk around the garden , and down the side of the house where the fruit bushes are . I watched them , thinking that they would stay there . I was worried because there is only a narrow strip of lawn there and it slopes down into the path below . They both have walking frames , and Joy is pretty frail and unsteady . I gave them ten minutes and was about to go round and see that they were alright when they suddenly arrived at the front door , which was open . He had taken her around the house , putting her in danger . When I accosted them he laughed and said that he 'd gone round with one wheel of his wheelie in the ditch . I was struck dumb at his stupidity . I 'm sure he 'd have berated and prostrated himself if anything had happened to her . He is usually such a gentleman , and deserves his title of Brigadier . I am , as always , amazed at the stupidity of men . Gent has turned the corner ; on Thursday night we were all on alert , waiting for a call from the hospital . They 'd asked me if we wanted a night call . When Joy , Wonderful Neighbour and I walked into his room that afternoon we thought he 'd gone . I picked up his hand and called his name , several times , there was no reaction . Then he moved ever so slightly . He is very thin ; the skin on his face has nothing beneath it but skull . I hardly slept that night , kept thinking about him and Joy , and in the morning was dreading the phone ringing . It did ring eventually , but the voice of the staff nurse was cheerful ; she said that Gent was up and sitting in his chair and calling for new batteries for his shaver . Good Friday was a bit hysterical after that . I was afraid to call the family , didn 't want to scare them . In the end I did call and got my happy voice in quickly to give them the good news . He looked amazing that afternoon . Saturday not so good , and then today , he seems completely different ; there is a fundamental change , he is definitely over that imminent - death hurdle , and on the mend … well , as far as he can mend in his condition , at this stage . But it means that he can probably come home soon , and do his fading away there . There is no knowing how Joy is going to react to his death . The last few days she has been saying that he 'd be alright , that he 's always alright in the end . I did have a little talk with her on the Thursday evening when we got back , trying to prepare her for the worst but she was determined that he 'd still be there next day . She doesn 't have much left , in the way of sequential thoughts ; I worry that she 'll wake up in the mornings after he 's gone and ask where he is … then either Fi or I will have to remind her ! My ex reared his ugly head again yesterday . And for the second time he discarded his children . Suddenly last year there was a silence from him ; no reason apparent , just rejection . My sister - in - law , Sid , called to tell me that my daughter was breaking her heart . That 's the only thing in life that can move me to murder ; someone upsetting my children … and for it to be that man again ! So I called him . He said ' fuck off ' and hung up . I was stunned ; was not aware that we had fallen out - we spoke to each other sometime last year and there had been no argument . I can only assume that he has gone mad or someone is meddling ; telling stories and lies ; there is always someone at it in big families . He has a girlfriend , so maybe he is just trying to shrug off his past to please her - he did that before too . In the end I sent him a text message , ' ur children n I wil never bother u again tho what we did to offend u is a mystery . Ur loss . ' I am so laid back these days that I am almost horizontal . I 've lost all my passion ; I let people argue and debate and don 't feel I have to join in . I let them discover whether they 're right or wrong by themselves . But I come alive when he upsets my kids . I want to kill him , stab him with blunt objects , gouge his eyes out with a spoon , bite off his head and pan his face in with a hot , cast iron skillet ! This Lilly is a long - boned woman with legs like skewers and empty breasts lying on the furrows of ribs . Her smile comes from an old heart , strong beyond reason . She smiles at laughing visitors who kiss , kiss , kiss , planting babies in her lap and presents on the bed . She tells them that she 's had lunch , but the menu escapes her . Food appears like magic : chicken is fish , porridge is soup and everything is beautiful . I 'm her daughter - in - law , ex , yet I 'm more present than her oldest son , my ex . There 's a kind of club of us , EXs ; they just can 't seem to get rid of us . You see it 's a huge welcoming family , and when there are children to complicate things - the family just gets bigger with every new relationship . The daughters seem to hang on to their men whether they like them or not , but the sons just move along and the ex - wives follow on regardless ; children slip and slide through the myriad aunts and unclesThe old Lilly was swamped ; a vast , slack - skinned woman , hidden in layers of old muscle and blue - flowered polyester . Fourteen children darted in and out with wives and husbands ; grandchildren flapped hands at mince with onion and vegetables , mince without . Boiled potatoes - no potatoes , steak pie , spam . Fat chips - thin chips buttered bread , bare bread , tea , no jam . Liver for William , rabbit for John , licked - clean dishes stacked the sink , smells ran up walls , dripped off stairs and settled when she sank into her broad armchair . She was born to be a mother and besieged by everyone 's children . Now she is surrounded by women and the grandchildren they bore her . She never knew she was the key to all those relationships and now as the last days slip by the space she lives in grows huge . I am only beginning this trail . I wonder how many friends I will lose when my children fall out of love . Gent is knocking at that door again . Joy was very tired today , and couldn 't go to the hospital to visit him . Word from the staff nurse is that he is , very poorly . I was a bit worried about Joy and that tiredness so I 've asked the district nurse to call in tomorrow and take a blood sample ; maybe she 's anaemic or something . I 'm selling a little book of sea shanties on ebay ; it 's at £ 16 now with almost 4 hours to go . I like this bit , when the bidders come to life . It was at £ 1 . 70 yesterday . I haven 't sold anything for a while ; mostly because I 've been travelling , but I used to sell a lot of old books , first editions and collector 's items . Now that I 'll be spending more time in Glasgow I think I 'll take it up again . I just love trawling through old charity shops . Those that have been modernized really annoy me when they charge too much ; I talk to myself and gasp at their prices - I 'm old enough to get away with spouting my opinions on their pricing policy . I made a falling - apart fruit n carrot cake ; it had sweet potato in it instead of carrot - pretty damn nice actually , though the sweet potato seems to have pretty much disappeared . Last few days Gent has swung from death 's door to coming home to very poorly again . We couldn 't take Joy to see him today because he has some kind of infection and they don 't know what it is yet , and don 't want Joy to catch anything . He 's been put on antibiotics today because of a urine infection , he probably got from the catheter ; they think it might be a side effect of the antibiotics . He was so happy yesterday when the doctor said he could go home for Easter . The occupational therapist came today to see what we would need to accommodate this new Gent . We measured their bedroom , and made rearrangement plans , then the cleaner and I emptied chests of drawers and got rid of furniture we don 't really need in the room . And the son tried to get a new bed base to accommodate the hoist , with no luck . I don 't think they 'll let Gent out now anyway . I 've been crocheting a blanket for Fi ; I make these blankets while I 'm working and force them on family - running out of family members so have started on friends and colleagues . Joy and Gent got a rug each for their xmas . This is a photo of one I made earlier for my nephew ; he wanted it to be red , white and blue - he 's a Glasgow Rangers fan . The colours aren 't right in the photo , the red isn 't that orange , must be the flash . This is a great job ; I get to sit and watch telly , doze in the afternoon , and create rugs , artwork , photographs , write , read and many other things depending on the client . I began crocheting when I was looking after a woman near Plymouth ; she spent all day watching telly and wanted me to sit with her . I like being productive so I did the rugs while watching daytime TV and ended up with a Repetitive Strain Injury from pulling at the wool ! 1 . Born in Glasgow2 . We moved in with my father 's mother , the TYRANT3 . The TYRANT dies4 . Left school at 155 . Maternal grandmother dies6 . Worked in a boutique then an electrical engineering factory7 . Met Roseanne8 . When I was 19 my father died9 . Stayed on with my mother for 6 months10 . Worked in Largs , then Manchester11 . Got my first flat in Glasgow , Polokshields12 . Worked in North Berwick , then Manchester again13 . Roseanne and I met our first husbands , in Manchester14 . Got pregnant15 . Hitchhiked up to Glasgow to tell the mothers16 . Went back to Glasgow to have my first son17 . Got married in Glasgow18 . Went back to Manchester with baby and hubby19 . Went to Somerset to visit hubby 's family20 . Went back to Glasgow then split with hubby21 . Got a house of my own when my son was 1yr old22 . Moved back to live with my mother when he was 323 . Met my new man at Roseanne 's new year party24 . Set up house with him25 . Got pregnant26 . John Lennon died27 . Gave birth to second son28 . Pregnant again29 . Both our divorces came through30 . Decided not to get married again31 . Gave birth to daughter32 . Moved house several times that year33 . Got a job in Grosvner hotel and met Carrie34 . Chucked hubby out35 . Left job36 . Went to live in Newcastle37 . Introduced Carrie to my brother Joop38 . Got a house in St Cuthbert 's village in Gateshead39 . Carrie and Joop got a house there too40 . Joop became a raging alcoholic and violent41 . He beat up Carrie and broke my nose42 . I packed her off to Glasgow43 . Got a flat in Newcastle44 . Carrie and her daughter shared the flat with us for awhile45 . Still working in Swallow hotel in Gateshead46 . Left the hotel and worked in local pub47 . Brother - in - law dies aged 33ish . Brain haemorrhage48 . Went to college and did GCSEs49 . Did Highers and left the pub50 . Discovered creative writing51 . Our boozin ' buddy dies aged 32ish . 52 . Had my first poetry published53 . Working with tenants ' association54 . Got paid to set up youth drama group in Benwell55 . Set up my small press56 . No 1 son in a lot of trouble witPosted by Just finished Harry Potter ; pretty good . Read it in three days , not bad for a big book , but then it 's not what you could call deep and meaningful - it 's not going to change my life . Not going back to Captain Corelli yet . Had a nice day out the other day and bought a little pile of books in my favourite charity shop that has 50 % off their books . Got an Umberto Eco , an Anita Shreve , Andrea Badenoch 's first novel , and Andre Dubus 111 . I remember it was mentioned on Richard and Judy , House of Sand and Fog . I got those 4 books for about £ 1 . 60 , which is pretty good these days of charity shops pricing themselves out of business … . well business from me . I was really happy to find Andrea 's book ; I knew her in Newcastle years ago when we used the same writing groups and workshops . She died last year from cancer . Haven 't done a lot of reading in the past month ; when I 'm in the UK I end up couched in front of the box ; in Spain I 'm on 3 books a week . I really should be doing more writing than reading but life is just so fab with your feet up and a good book in your paw . Gent looked fantastic today - just when I thought he was fading with such genteel elegance . He was alert and looking forward to coming home , eating crackers and cheese I 'd brought in , and wine gums , then a bit of chocolate ! He just keeps coming back . I 'm tempted to say thank goodness , but when you remember all the pain that he experiences every minute of the day , it might be better if he is allowed to slip away ; 95 is a good , long life . I 've heard that if you tell someone who is very ill , that it 's alright for them to go , kind of give them permission , they can slip away peacefully . I think he keeps hanging on for Joy ; he doesn 't want to cause her pain . I 'm using my life , making the most out of every breath I take ; even when I am being bone idle I 'm having the time of my life . A noise awoke me in the middle of the night ; there is a baby monitor in my room so I can hear if I 'm needed ; just the tiniest noise , a click that shouldn 't be there . I got up and went in to see if Joy was alright ; she was walking towards the door , stark naked , but using her walking frame . I asked her where she was going . ' Looking for you , ' she said , but really , she 'd forgotten why she was out of bed . I was grateful that she was quite awake and hadn 't fallen over . Oh the tales I could tell about this woman and her late - night wanderings . She hasn 't got out of bed by herself in months , well not since she fell out of it in the middle of the night . Like this time , a noise woke me up ; I could hear Joy coughing and choking , gasping for breath . I leapt up and ran into their room ; she was hanging off the bed , her feet still tucked in and her head stuck in the metal loop of the safety rail that is an aid to help her get out of the bed . Her chin was right through the loop , her throat pressing into the side . There was blood all over the place because her knees were skimming the carpet and she 'd banged her arms and face . Gent was crying from his side , ' Can I help . What can I do ? ' I told him to stay in bed ; he couldn 't get out of it on his own anyway , and being blind there was nothing he could do . I got her untangled and sitting on the floor leaning against the bed . Nothing was broken but there were quite a few wounds and a lot of blood over both of us . Joy 's skin is so fragile that even a little box of tissues dropped on her leg causes it to split . I tried to clean up the wounds but the skin had wrinkled back off such big areas ; one on each side of her knees and upper arms . It was a hospital job . I called an ambulance and got her comfortable , and reassured Gent . They had her back before dawn , all patched up . Since then she 's stayed in bed all night , well - tucked in , and , the space in the rail has been filled in . Also , she 's gone from one urine infection to another , and they 've kept her weak in the legPosted by This is Joy and Gent 's back gardenThis was in February this year . We woke up one morning to find the place white with snow ; it was all gone by lunch - time and there was no snow in the front garden or in the road outside . I went to the local shop and the only snow to be seen was in some of the gardens ! The blackbird in the rhubarb isn 't real . In three years I 've only seen snow in Devon twice ; it didn 't stay more than a few hours . In the year I 've been here I have to confess that I have never put food on this table for the poor birds ; it doesn 't cross my mind . I took this photo from the back door , which is in the dining room . I sit there every morning and eat my breakfast , look out at the weather but never think to feed the birds . Shame on me . Another Devon garden I lovedTwo years ago I was working near Plymouth ; we had daffodils and wasps in January ! This is the view from a garden down near Plymouth ; a little village called Newton Ferrers . River at the bottom of the garden , full of boats and children windsurfing in the summer . Accross the river is Bridgend and Noss Mayo , beautiful places , tiny streets , hardly room to turn your car ; quite often you have to reverse for someone coming the other way . I worked here for the first year of my freedom ; 4 weeks on and one off ; worked like a maniac all year then bought my first laptop , and a 4 week TESOL course in Barcelona . In the second year I ran around Devon with my car piled to the gunnels with all my junk ; well not all , ' cause I had put a lot of it in storage in Plymouth . On the map , this is the little nick to the right of Plymouth . The view from this side of the garden is of Noss Mayo . these houses on the river are selling for around three - quarters of a million quid . The British go mad for river and sea views . I 'd love to have a house with a boat tied up at the bottom of the garden ; but I 'd love even more to have fairies , and a couple of trees with little doors cut into them , and windows . THE SHOP at Newton Ferrers sells most things , though there is a separate butcherPosted by Gent has rallied ; he looks a whole lot better . We had been thinking , this is it . Wonderful neighbour took me and Joy down to see him today . Ever since I began working with them the ritual has been to take tea - making things in a basket to whichever one of them is incarcerated . Hospital tea is just disgusting , luke - warm brown gunk . He was sitting in his chair at the side of the bed , looking alert and normal ; as if he was sitting in his lovely new chair at home . He holds Joy 's hand and she can 't eat her lemon finger because she has her tea in her other hand , so she bends her head down every now and then to take a little bite . We usually only stay half an hour or so , both of them get tired , and find conversation hard - even at home they sit together in a kind of silence . Gent likes to watch the news on TV at 6 o ' clock but Joy can 't bear the noise . Last year , when she was better than she is now , she used to storm off and go to bed . I think it 's the case that she just doesn 't like Gent 's attention to be away from her . I had a phone call from my daughter today . She told me that they were at my great niece 's christening yesterday ; during the party afterwards , in a pub function room , a young man ran into the room and attacked one of my nephews with a huge knife ! It was 4 . 30 in the afternoon and the room was full of kids . So uncles and aunties dived in to pull him off and manic mayhem went off like a bomb . The barmaid and my daughter herded the kids , all screaming , behind the bar and pulled down the grill . Apparently it was like a scene from ' Psycho ' with the knife flashing up in the air and stabbing down into the crowd around him . Amazingly , no - one was seriously hurt ; a few cuts spread around . The police charged into the room with batons waving . My son - in - law had grabbed a pair of legs sticking out of the fray and pulled out one of my brothers - in - law … he wanted to go right back in ; he was the grandfather of the newly - christened baby . Luckily , the said baby and her grandmother had left the building withPosted by Thinking that I should get some writing back out there in the poetry mags , I wrote a poem for a competition about love ; I can 't really remember what it was like , being in love . When I read of all that madness I begin to wonder if I was ever , really in love . Just like my memories of old granny , the tyrant , I only retain the bad stuff . They said they wanted poems on both falling in and out of love … I naturally chose the latter and created this rant below : HAMMERED FLATMy head is full and burstingwith glimpsesof long - sleeved blouses and light - weightjumpersarrayed at eye - level ; a regiment at my right hand . Any one of them would fitmy situation . In my line of firethe back of his head smirks ; it dares meto reach for blunt objectspoison darts … carefully planned alibis , andmysterious gangstersfrom a murky past . I picture rooftop partiesand mountain picnics , his startled shape , flailingon the wind , likean inebriated seagulltumbling and squawkingat the woman with her hand out … not saving , but waving . Cheerio then … bastard . Captain Correlli 's Mandolin … again am stuck in the middle , and have started reading other books ; I always do this with his novels . When you begin them you are captured and charmed by the characters and the settings but soon slowed down by the history lesson . I like history but there seems to be something stilted about the way he uses it in his novels ; I 've read three of his now and this happened in every one . When I turned 40 I stopped reading books if I got bored half - way through ; the first book I discarded like that was ' Oscar and Lucinda ' . Again , charmed at first but bored flat eventually . So I 'm not going to read him again . In the last couple of years I 've got into Wilbour Smith ; his books are fantastic . You are getting a history lesson in a novel but it 's well - fictionalized . You just can 't put them down ; a great read . Also in this time been through the Jean Auel series , ' Clan of the Cave Bear ' . What an amazing read they are , though the sex gets a bit gratuitous at times ; but then aPosted by Poor old Gent is stiff with arthritis ; the pain must be mind - numbing . Once he 's in bed he can 't get out again , so at night he is supposed to wear a condom catheter ; this is the latest thing in bladder technology . When he came out of hospital last year he had a bag of them and the staff nurse showed me how to use it . It looked easy , and was , with the ones I got from the hospital but , I was presented with what I can only imagine is a cheaper version from the chemist which were nowhere near as pliable . I just couldn 't get this thing on . There is Gent , all padded up in pillows for the night , and me trying to stuff his tackle into this little plastic , corrugated funnel . Then I 'm supposed to roll it up the shaft and fiddle with double - sided sticky tape to hold it in place ! The one the hospital gave me was much softer and once you began rolling it up there was a sticky substance already there , and it was suddenly on . . . and a very clever thing it was too . So I ended up using pads . I did complain to the chemist but they sent me the exact same stuff . I work back to back with another carer ; we 'll call her Fi . She can use them and is amazed that I can 't . Because Gent has to sleep in a propped - up position now , he has some little pressure sores on his bottom , which the urine is not helping . The staff nurse called me the other day and asked me to send in the conveens and bags we still had at home . I was happy to hand them over ( some people won 't give away medical stuff but I couldn 't use them anyway ) . I was ecstatic to hear , from Gent , that three of them couldn 't get the thing on either ! I didn 't feel so bad when 3 professional nurses had trouble fitting them . The staff nurse told me yesterday that in the end they put in a real catheter for the duration of his stay with them , or until his bottom clears up . Poor old Gent hasn 't even had a chance to try out his new mattress at home ; the family got him one of those with the memory foam . I think his bottom got so bad because he was sitting on a hard mattress forPosted by This is the beginning , my first blog entry . I did plan to do this last month … as you can see below , but I didn 't get it started , so I thought I may as well keep the Spanish stuff in , ' cause it 's all part of the …… no , I just want to make everyone who is or was snow - bound , aware that there really is other weather in this world . I 'm back in lovely Devon , looking after my old couple . He is still in hospital ; went in last week with a chest infection . The hospital has been closed with that diarrhoea ( can 't believe I 've remembered how to spell that ) and vomiting bug , so we haven 't been able to visit him . They 've been married almost 60 years and call each other ' My darling ' … they are both 95 years old and the sweetest people I 've ever met . I should give them a name , let 's say that she is a Joy and he is a Gent . So it 's just me and Joy in the house and she goes to bed as early as she can get away with , which gives me the whole night to myself ( I can 't go out ) to laze about watching telly and hiding from chocolate biscuits . I have an exercise bike in my room but it sits beside the telly with the seat unpolished by my ample bottom … though I am really trying to give it some thought . Was a little worried yesterday because the hospital called and said that we should come down . He 'd seemed a little ethereal and angelic the day before , and they described him as unresponsive . So I woke Joy up from her afternoon nap and stuffed her in a local taxi ( our friend and neighbour who usually takes us in on a weekend trip ) hoping that Gent wasn 't on his way up the heavenly stairway . He looked flushed , wearing a cardigan over his PJs , and there was a knitted , patchwork rug on the bed ( very badly sewn - up ) . I wondered if he had a temperature , but they said he didn 't . He seemed alright though , voice not wavering or fading and no sign of the chest infection . It seems as if he might get over this , but the fact that he had a mini - stroke ( TIA ) the week before just underlines this year as , probably his last . 95Posted by a writer , easily distracted by arts & crafts . Born in glasgow ; 3 children and 6 grandchildren ( so far ) . No husband to tie her down . Studied drama in gateshead , pottery and photography in glasgow ; keeping music for her old age . If she could only restrain herself from going off at tangents she might actually finish something longer than a poem ! |
The Mormor Stories are back after a long rest . The stories yet to be shared concern my grandparents ' lives as adults , but there is one last story about my grandfather Carl ( whom we kids called Papa ) from his teenage years in the Redwood Empire of California , Humboldt County . ( If you would like to read my grandmother 's previous stories , start here . The whole series begins at this link , in reverse order . ) This is what my grandfather Carl looked like at the time this story took place : * * * * * When your Papa was a senior in high school he spent the summer working with the piledriver crew at Camp 19 , which was out in the woods a few miles from Korbel , and quite a distance from home base - - Arcata . After work on a Saturday , Papa , his friends Cecil Ripley * , Buck Townsend , Charlie Harpst , and the boss , borrowed a handcar and went pumping down the track after waving goodbye to the rest of the crew , who had to wait a while for the woods train . Taking a handcar made it possible for the men to get to Arcata earlier than the train did and to stay there much longer , thereby having more time to spend with family and girl friends . ( Original photo stolen from these guys ) In order to make really good time the boss tied up the brake so it wouldn 't hold them back , and this was helped by the fact that it was downhill most of the way . As they went cruising along at a fast clip they came to a high trestle on an S curve . There they spotted a piece of 2x4 on the one rail right at the beginning of the trestle . It must have been forgotten by the crew that had been working there . There was no chance to stop the handcar so they hit the obstruction . Two of the men jumped off the car , ran beside it , finally falling on the track , picking up splinters and tearing their clothes . Papa was thrown to the track and skidded along the ties , ripping up his clothes . It was lucky that he was able to stay on the track , for the left side was the high side of the trestle , and he would have landed amid the boulders fifty feet down . ( Original photo stolen from these guys ) Cecil was thrown off the trestle and fell by a big rock , just as the handcar headed for him . He did a very quick roll over the boulder to the other side of the rock , which was just in time for the handcar to hit where he had been . The boss tried to stop the car by the handles , but it had too much speed and no brake , so he was thrown up and over the handcar , where he landed in the gully just in front of where the car hit . The whole group felt lucky that none of them rePosted at 07 : 36 PM in The Mormor Stories | Permalink It 's been a long time since I last posted one of my grandmother 's stories from her early life . If you haven 't read one of Mormor 's stories before , they are all true , and they began their lives as bedtime tales told to her grandchildren . A few years before her death she wrote them all down by hand , and one of my aunts typed them up and photocopied them . Each family member got a folder of stories for Christmas that year , and it is one of my most cherished possessions . You can read the first story here . When my brother , Art , was a senior at Southern Humboldt High School he earned a bit of money by driving the school bus night and morning from Camp Grant to the school at Miranda . Part of the job was to keep the bus clean and in good running order . One of his passengers was a teacher , Mr . Pimental , who usually checked over his class papers on the ride home . One night , as Art was cleaning the bus , he found a paper that had slid down beneath the seat . It was a math test that proceeded from 2 + 2 = what ? to very difficult problems . Since this subject fascinated Art he took the paper home where , after dinner , he and my father separately worked out the problems from beginning to end . My father maintained all could be solved using plain arithmetic , though Dad had studied both algebra and geometry . Art used every means at his command . There was but one answer on which they disagreed , and later I found out Art 's answer was the correct one . The next morning all the seniors were called into the library at school to take the College Aptitude Math Test . When Art was given his paper he saw it was a duplicate of the test that he and Dad had enjoyed working the night before , so he had quite a struggle with his conscience . He finally decided not to say anything since he had had no help in solving the problems the evening before . However , he was careful not to whiz through the test . After the results were reached , word sifted out that Art was a mathematical genius , so some teachers who deplored his grades in English looked on Art withPosted at 11 : 49 PM in The Mormor Stories | Permalink It 's been a very long time since we 've had a Mormor story . I have exhausted all of her childhood stories , but I found one last story from high school . ( If you are reading here for the first time , I need to explain that Mormor was my maternal grandmother who was born in 1905 , and she wrote out all of her life stories for her family before she died . I am sharing these stories one at a time on this blog , and the first one is here . ) The following story would have taken place around 1921 . say so , which may have led to one of my most embarrassing moments . It came about this way - - a junior named Delma C . ran the distance races . Now Delma was a rangy , long - legged person so she was quite successful in the quarter mile , etc . It seems the boys were talking one noon about Delma 's ability and they guessed she would beat the runners in the others high schools since she could beat all the girls in our school . One guy disputed this , saying he knew a runner who could beat Delma all hollow , and would take bets to that effect . Anyway , he did a big business in money wagers though he wouldn 't tell them who the person was . Then Sid Myers ( for it was he who did all the talking ) came to me to ask me to run against Delma the next noon , saying it was all arranged . I turned him down flat saying he ought to know I wouldn 't go out there and make a fool of myself . So he tried another tack by asking me if I was afraid she 'd beat me so badly that I 'd look silly . I answered that I knew I could outrun Delma if the race was long enough , which I guess was a mistake because Sid took off . Later I guessed he told Delma what I 'd said for she answered that she could beat me in her race any day . Sid finally told half the school that we were racing the but never again . Do you understand ? " By this time I was plenty annoyed with him . So the next noon Delma and I were at the track in our running outfits . After Sid duly started us on the quarter mile race I found keeping even with Delma fairly easy . When we got to the last straightaway I guess I got my second wind so decided to really run . I came to the finish line way ahead of my opponent and Sid was about the only guy who was happy because he 'd be collecting on his wagers . Needless to say he didn 't share with me and I went back to my sprints saying , " Never again . " ( This isn 't her , either - - photo stolen from this guy ; originally printed in the Chicago Tribune , Jan . 31 , 1928 ) Posted at 06 : 10 PM in The Mormor Stories | Permalink ( Photo taken from Monument Road by David Thomson and stolen from these guys ) Smedley got sick Monday and missed four days of school this past week ; Chas took her to the pediatrician Tuesday because we were afraid she had a recurrence of Striders , which nearly caused a trip to the hospital when she was a toddler . All I can tell you about Striders is that it causes breathing to be horribly ragged and wet and the child sucks so hard to get air that the hollow depression at the base of the throat collapses with each inhalation . The doctor has to test the amount of oxygen getting into the child 's blood , and if levels are too low the child must be admitted to the hospital . On that occasion Smedley barely passed the oxygen level test , but she did pass , and steroids quickly opened up her breathing . This time the problem turned out to be croup , which was odd to me because I associate croup with a horrible cough , and Smedley wasn 't coughing more than once or twice an hour . But again a steroid cleared things right up , so there go Smedley 's Olympic dreams . Sparky 's cough , meanwhile , sounds like something a walrus might make . It 's been a fun week with not much sleep . I can now put a notch in my parental belt for croup . It 's terribly frightening when your child isn 't getting enough air , and having an 18 - mile drive to the pediatrician can make for some hard choices . But when I 'm complaining about these things I remember this short little story of my grandmother 's and I give myself a big dope slap . From over 100 years ago , here 's a tale to make parents shiver . When I was a very young baby I got my first and only attack of croup . My folks were very frightened because I seemed all choked up . So Dad left on Lad , one of his horses , to get a doctor . He had to ride down the monument Road , swim the Eel River , and hopefully find the doctor at home . Now Dad couldn 't swim and the river was up somewhat , so I appreciate the bravery it took to ride Lad across the river . This he did successfully , and found the doctor able to come up to our place . HPosted at 10 : 48 PM in The Mormor Stories | Permalink ( Photo stolen from this site ) It 's Halloween week . YOU may be thinking of ghosts , or monsters , or Vlad the Impaler , or maybe even Larry King , though really ? I doubt it . I 'm thinking of the thing that scares me the most , OTHER than Larry King . No , not wearing two different shoes to work , but thanks for that ; now I 'll have nightmares . No , the thing that scares me the most is the focus of this short little Mormor story , just in time for Halloween . When we first moved to Camp Grant I found a cigar box in the house that was full of assorted marbles , which I really didn 't much enjoy as there rarely was another child about with whom to play . One day , while I was at school , my little brother found the box and proceeded to drop the marbles , one by one , through the many knotholes in the floor of the wide porch that ran around three sides of our home . Several days later it came out what had happened to my marbles , so I crawled under the house to find them . The light that filtered through the knotholes made the spots where the marbles lay easier to find , but the six inches or so of powdery dust didn 't help a bit . I finally found about one half of my original store and , anyway , I was getting tired of dust and cobwebs , so I crawled out . My mother , who knew nothing of this , was shocked at the appearance of her dusty , dirty daughter , so I was stripped and given a bath post - haste . I guess the good Lord had work for me to do as black widow spider webs were all over under the house , but I wasn 't bothered . Maybe the unusual invasion of their privacy frightened them away . ( Image stolen from these guys ) Because it is Columbus Day , I have found a Mormor story that honors him . Sort of . Obliquely . Not at all , really . But it does reference Columbus , and therein lies the problem , actually : the reference is a tad indelicate , to put it mildly . It 's an ethnic slur . I thought long and hard about publishing this , and finally decided to go ahead . I hope no one takes offense . When Papa [ Carl ] was earning his way through school he got a job with a piledriver crew at faraway Camp 17 . Each weekend the young men there would take a handcar and pump their way down the railroad to Korbel . From there they would take the train ( the old Annie and Mary , it was called ) to Arcata , where they could visit relatives , friends , and see their girlfriends . This way they could stay in town much longer as the train left Arcata at noon on Sunday , but a bus didn 't take off until nine that night . * Then they would be in camp by eleven o ' clock quite easily . ( Map stolen from this site ) Well , one time a guy brought along a big bottle of wine which led to much singing as the fellows went pumping along on their return trip to camp . As they neared a big tunnel their voices blended in verses that emphasized that " Cristoforo Colombo was a Dago son - of - a - b - - " Now the night crew working in the tunnel was mostly Italian and took exception to this song . The cook came running out armed with a big cleaver and was backed up by the whole tunnel crew . It took a lot of talking to convince the workers that really no racial slur was meant . Finally the crew calmed down , but they wouldn 't let Papa and his friends go through the tunnel . So there they sat until morning , when they were allowed at last to go on . They arrived in camp too late for breakfast but with just time enough to change into working clothes . The day seemed mighty long for that sleepy bunch . There should be a moral to this story - - don 't - - I have shared my grandmother 's story of her mother 's passage across the Atlantic and North America , and now here is the story of her father 's journey . Humboldt County , California , with its booming redwood logging industry , was a destination for Swedish immigrants 100 years ago , and so speaking only Swedish was not as big a barrier as it would be today . I should warn you : this story rabbit trails quite a bit , but it exemplifies Mormor 's favorite phrase , " but I digress . " The story is more jumbled than Mormor 's other tales , which could be because it was not one of the many spoken - word stories that she knew by heart and told frequently , or that she wrote the story down in the twilight of her life , when it was a struggle for her to accomplish everyday tasks . Mormor hid most of her struggles from everyone , but I digress . ( Martin Holmgren ) My father , Martin Holmgren , was raised in southern Sweden in the foster home of Bengst and Charlotta Holmgren . [ His real last name was Nilsson , and his real mother 's first name was Sylvia ( Jacobsson ) . ] How this came about I am not sure . The Holmgrens had older children who either could not or would not help financially when Bengst became ill . Therefore Dad worked at various jobs such as peat digging , brickyard work , and in the beet sugar mill as soon as he was out of school . Later he learned to make shoes and had quite a few customers when he was called into the army . ( To digress a moment , he was the best shot in his company and expected that all his children - to - be would do as well . ) During that six month period he lost his clientele , so began to think of some other way to earn money . Laurie jumping in here a moment : I had always been told that my great - grandfather Martin was a draft dodger from the Swedish army . Huh . At this time his friend and second cousin , Alfred Anderson , had been offered a job in his uncle 's mill in Carlotta [ Humboldt County , California ] . Alfred asked Martin to go to California with him , and it was so arranged . ( Alfred Anderson ) Their money ran very low in Nebraska as they hadn 't counted on the U . S . being so big . Therefore they got jobs there and began to learn English . Dad [ Martin ] worked on a railroad , and later for a farmer who gave my father English lessons , mostly from a newspaper to which he had subscribed . I 'm proud that he did well enough that he could apply for his first citizen papers in six months . I neglected to mention that Dad and Alfred crossed the Atlantic in December 1899 in a very bad storm . The sailors got sick ; Dad did not , so he earned some money doing the crew 's jobs . Otherwise , he might not have had the money to get as far west as Nebraska . One day when he was working in a field Martin saw in the distance a black funnel - shaped cloud . He 'd been told to hurry to shelter if that happened , so he ran the horses toward the barn . They insisted on stopping at the water trough as per routine , so Martin got hit with quite a few large hailstones on the way to their stalls . Then Dad joined the rest of the family in the cyclone cellar . After a bit he was about to open the trap door to see what was happening outside , but was stopped when all the rest screamed , " Don 't open the door yet ! " Later he found out that there had been very little damage nearby - - just a neighbor 's poor cow had been carried a short distance and her leg broken when she was let down with a bump . [ The cow story filled my imagination from a very young age , and to this day when I think of tornados , I worry about the cows . ] I don 't know where Alfred worked but do know they arrived by ship in Eureka together . There they had a choice - - either eat , or use their last bit of money for two train tickets to Alfred 's uncle 's place at Carlotta . They chose the latter , and luckily got there just in time for the evening meal . Both went to work in Mr . Larson 's mill the next morning . Dad found that hauling the bolts to the mill paid quite well so , as soon as he saved enough money , he bought a team and began hauling . Later , Swedish friends began teaching my father ( Alis " Elise " Karlsson ) When she arrived she wanted to work a while in order to have a dowry , so she had jobs at the Swedish Western Hotel and at the Russ 's Fern Cottage . However , it was difficult for Dad to see her because of transportation problems , so he persuaded her to come to Carlotta , where she worked for the Larsen family . There Mom discovered the dangers inherent in falling trees the size of redwoods , and refused to marry Dad until he quit his falling job , which he did , and they were married in Eureka on October 12 , 1904 . Then they rented a small place on Monument Road above Rio Dell , and Dad did hauling to augment their income . ( I was born there the next year with Mrs . Rickter officiating since the doctor didn 't get there in time . ) My father found the most work in Fortuna , so we moved there , and he rented several places until we moved to Camp Grant in the fall of 1912 . Dad leased the ranch at first , but finally bought it . He sold it to Jim Patmore in 1950 ( I think ) but reserved the right to live in the cabin we had built there . Dad and Mother lived there until her death in 1953 , at which time my father moved to a cabin on Art 's place at Miranda . He spent the winters with us in Monterey until a massive stroke made rest home care necessary . Dad died in 1965 and is buried beside Mom at Sunrise Cemetery on Newburg Road in Fortuna . [ My great - grandfather Martin died about two weeks after I was born , so I never got to meet him . " Momone , " my great - grandmother Elise , had been gone a dozen years by then . I have been to their graves several times . ] There are very few stories about the early life of my grandfather , Carl McDonald , for a couple of reasons . First , his early life was apparently less than pleasant , dominated by a cruel stepfather . Second , Papa was a very reserved man with his grandchildren , at least most of the time ; telling stories was not part of his social makeup , as it was with the girl who would become his wife , my grandmother Esther . Esther , therefore , was in charge of family lore for both of them , and so most of what I know about my grandfather was filtered through my grandmother , Esther , or " Mormor . " This story concerns a time when young Carl had left home , sometime around age twelve , and it is my favorite story of Papa . When your Papa was beginning the eighth grade he lived up on the Klamath River with a family that had a big dairy there . He was to help with the milking , the butter - making , and various chores before and after school . The Indians there taught him many things : how to fish , how to paddle a canoe , and how to fight . By the way , he was one of the two white pupils in that school . In order to get to school , Papa had to pole the canoe ( an Indian dugout ) up the river quite a way before starting across to the other side . This was because the current was very swift and , in winter especially , it was dangerous , too . But Papa managed and duly graduated from the Terwer School . Years later his job involved supervising the instruction of the schools on the Klamath so , one day , he drove to a certain river crossing and honked his car 's horn . This was supposed to alert an Indian who lived in a cabin on the other side , who would then come to take passengers across in his motorboat . Well , this day no one came , so Papa just took the Indian dugout which was left there for emergencies and paddled himself across . As he neared the other side the Indian , who had been asleep , came out , beached the canoe , and asked , " Injun feller teach you paddle canoe , ain 't it ? " Papa answered that Wahkel Harry had done so long ago when they were in Terwer School together . ( Photo stolen from this site ) I have searched the internet for information about Wahkel Harry , with little luck . While there is at least one photo of him which exists among the collections of Humboldt State University , it is not available on - line . There was an article with a photo printed about him years ago , because I read it , but it has not been archived on the internet either , apparently . " Wahkel " is the spelling my grandmother assigned to the name , although I have also found " Waukel , " Wo ' kel " and " Waukell " in reference to the area . I 'm fairly certain that Wahkel Harry was a member of the Yurok tribe . Living five easy miles outside of a town of 6000 residents , we have always tried to be conservative with our trips to town . With gas as high as it 's been this year we 're especially careful . Reading over the following story from my grandmother 's writings reminded me that no matter how tough it might get for us , it can never be as tough as it was for her family , living in the wilds of Humboldt County , in the heart of California 's coastal redwood forests , in the early 20th century . When we first moved to the ranch there were no stores nearby ; it was a long journey to Scotia or Fortuna for such things as clothing , cloth , pans , etc . Therefore two peddlers who came by several times a year were most welcome . They always stayed overnight at our place as we were the local inn . These men carried their goods in a sort of van that had shelves on both sides and an alley for walking down the middle . It was pulled by the usual team of buggy horses . ( Photo stolen from this site ) I don 't know the peddlers ' names as everyone just called them Adam and Eve . Adam cared for the horses and did any heavy work , while Eve ( who was no pansy ) sold things and kept books . He had met with an accident at some time that left him with half of an arm , and the other hand had just a thumb and forefinger left . The part we liked best was after dinner , and after the selling , the peddlers played the guitar and sang the songs of the day to the assembled neighbors by our fireplace . This is one of the ways I learned the old - time songs such as " Red River Valley . " I think this is the third time I 've used this photo , but I actually have a story that works perfectly with it . No , the child on the right in the white dress isn 't a girl , nor is it pro golfer John Daly - - it 's my great - uncle Art , my grandmother 's little brother . They were fine playmates for each other , most of the time , in a world without play dates , or organized soccer , or dance class , or Big Brothers / Big Sisters , or even electricity . Most of the time they played nicely , but Esther ( Mormor - - for the introductory story click here ) had a wicked streak , apparently . Here is another story - - a short one - - in Mormor 's own words . As my brother , Art , grew out of babyhood he became a bit more of a playmate for me . One day I finally persuaded him to play " Lady " with me , so I dressed both of us in long dresses , ladies shoes , and hats . We set up part of the side porch as our house , complete with orange crate furniture . What Art didn 't realize is that it was nearly noon so Dad and the hired men would be coming to the back porch to wash up before dinner . I thought it would be funny if they saw Art in all his finery so I asked him to go around to the back porch for something . He did and ran straight into all the men , who roared with laughter at Art 's appearance . Guess who ripped off the dress and never , never would play " Lady " again ? Road travel in my lifetime has been so insular : you get into your car and drive , stopping only to gas up , eat , or sleep . But 100 years ago travelers relied on the kindness of strangers along the way , from help getting unstuck to bed and board in a family 's home . It 's difficult for me to imagine the level of blind trust in strangers that was required of a person making such a trip , or of the families taking strangers into their homes . ( At the end of Mormor 's narrative I have a short story to tell , so stick around . ) * * * * * When my parents first moved out to the ranch at Camp Grant my mother quickly found out that it was used as an inn and was the first night 's stop for the stage on the road to San Francisco . The Redwood Highway along the south fork of Eel River was not yet built , though there was a one - way road ( trail ) to the various ranches along that part of the river . ( This served your great - grandfather 's place , Neil and Karen . ) Also the road over the hill from South Fork to our place was not yet complete , therefore the stages had to ford the river and come up though our pepperwood grove to reach the house . My dear mother never knew on three nights a week whether she would have just the family , the hired man , and the stage driver for supper , or a whole car full of people to feed , bed down , and serve an early breakfast . About this I recall several things : how busy I was helping Mama make beds , setting the table , and doing the everlasting dishes afterwards without any conveniences to make it easy . Also I remember one stage in particular - - a high , seven passenger black Packard that I believe was driven by a Mr . Smythe . When it was raining sometime the stage would get stuck in the pepperwood road , so my father would go down with the team and some boards to pull it out . Often I went along to report back to Mama how many to feed that night . Papa would be paid $ 1 for getting the stage going again , and Mama got $ 1 from each passenger for two meals and bed - - imagine ! * * * * * Mormor was my mother 's mother , and the events ( Photo stolen from the Wells Fargo blog ) Their ranch in north Chico was the final stop for stagecoaches bringing wealthy people from San Francisco to Richardson Springs , a spa retreat in the hills just north of Chico . San Francisco is about 160 miles from Chico , and the Valley is very hot and dusty , so you can imagine the shape the passengers were in when they reached the ranch . Wealth and position likely dictated that these elegant passengers dress up , not down , for their trip ; living in San Francisco , they were probably freezing when they left and were wearing warm clothes ( a huge mistake for the Valley , then or now ) . ( Photo stolen from this site ) Richardson Springs was quite close to my great - grandparents ' chicken ranch , so the passengers were almost there and didn 't require a meal or lodging , but they certainly must have needed cold water and a privy stop . My grandfather sold eggs to the resort , which the stage driver picked up at this stop . Those eggs represented important income for the family , who were dirt poor . Richardson Springs Resort burned down in 1921 , and while it was rebuilt and continued to operate for years , the depression and World War II hurt the hotel 's business considerably . There was to be no chicken egg gold mine for my great - grandfather , and the family remained dirt poor for a few more years . Two different parts of my family tree with very similar life experiences . ( Photo stolen from these guys ) My brother , Art , and I were allowed to go swimming in Eel River ( which was one of the borders of our ranch ) , so eventually we thought we were good enough at it to show off for our mother . One afternoon Art and I coaxed her to come down to the river to watch us swim . We equipped her with cushions for comfortable sitting and an old black umbrella for shade . At first we just swam up and back in water only about four feet deep . Then we told her we could swim under water too , so we showed off our prowess in that area , being careful not to stay under water very long . We knew if we frightened her about this it would be the end of our swimming . On the other side of the river a ledge ran out over a pool that was about eight feet deep , and it was there we had practiced our diving . We should have known better but couldn 't resist diving off of the ledge . Fortunately , Mama didn 't know how deep the water was , and all was well until I stayed under for a few seconds after my dive . Dear Mama rushed out into the water to save me ( as she thought ) , though she couldn 't swim at all . Luckily I surfaced before she got out more than a few feet . All the time Art was yelling , " She 's all right ! I can see her swimming ! " Needless to say , you can guess who didn 't get to go swimming again until we faithfully promised that we would never , never go over to the other side of the river . That was a mighty hard promise to keep , but we did until we were teenagers , and better swimmers , too . But clearly , Mormor , it was a good idea that your mother banned you from that diving ledge , because what have we here ? The following tale obviously occurred at an earlier date , and nearly resulted in a tragedy . . . A ledge over a deep pool in the river near our ranch nearly was my brother 's and my undoing , as both of us could easily have lost our lives there . About eight inches of water ran over the ledge , but still it made quite a good diving board from which to practice our skills . One time Art dove and must have hit his head on a rock , for I could see him just lying on the bottom of the pool . So I dove down and fished him up by his hair . ( I didn 't know a thing about holds for my own safety . ) Just as I got him back nearly over the ledge , Art began to come to and fight , so it was all I could do to finish pulling him up over the projection and still keep his nose out of the water . Very soon Art began to cough and spit up water , so all was well . We didn 't dare tell anyone about it . Finally , skipping ahead a few years to Mormor 's teen years . . . ( Photo stolen from alaspoorwho on Flickr ) While I 'm on the subject of swimming , one night we teenagers had a swimming party and marshmallow roast at a favorite hole in the river at South Fork . As we were sitting by the fire the boys began to tell how they 'd stolen watermelons from a nearby farm . One story led to another until Elmer Fulwider began to tell how he had sneaked up the cherry tree row almost to Old Man Holmgren 's house to get the best cherries . Immediately there was loud laughter and it was a few moments before Elmer realized Old Man Holmgren 's daughter was sitting right beside him ! Since the dawn of time , the elderly complain about the ways of the young . It 's difficult now , after growing up with punk rock and MTV , to imagine that anyone could ever have considered early 20th century pop culture to be daring or tasteless . Yet the more things change , the more they stay the same . I can remember Mormor telling this particular bedtime story as she sat on the edge of one of our beds . It 's not one of her most colorful tales , but I remember it because her eyes lit up and her voice sparkled when she spoke of dancing . ( Photo stolen from these guys ) Along with the other customs we inherited when Dad leased the ranch at Camp Grant was the holding of dances in the summer , as well as in the winter . The summer affairs were held every two or three weeks , depending on the weather , and were out - of - door dances since someone had constructed a dance platform down in our pepperwood grove . It had quite a good floor helped by liberal amounts of candle wax rubbed in by sliding a bale of hay over it . This platform even boasted a mini - shell for the musicians . My father had the job of providing ice cream , candy , gum and soft drinks , which he ordered from Scotia ahead of time . He had only to go to the railroad siding on our place to pick up the stuff in the early evening on the appointed date . Who took the admissions , if any , or who arranged for the musicians I never did know . Music usually consisted of a violin and an accordion , and they played country style music . I recall seeing folks dancing , waltzing , and doing the two - step . Of course , I begged to go down to the dance with my father , partially because of the excitement , the music , and the ice cream . Dad , bless him , was always generous in the latter regard . Also , because there were benches around the platform , I could peek through to watch the dancers . One night when I was standing on the ground behind the benches watching the people whirl around , I heard two elderly women talking about the dancers . One said , " Isn 't that awful ! Just look at the way Grafford Myers is dancing ! " The other woman tut - tutted too , and said she thought that particular dance was called " The Rag . " Well , then I looked most carefully at Grafford and his partner , and I thought they were doing beautiful dips and whirls , so I couldn 't understand why the ladies said such things . So I went back to my father and told him the whole story . Dad just laughed and told me to pay no attention to them - - some people would criticize The Lord Himself . |
On the Monday after I graduated from high school I started working for an East Texas law firm . On Friday of that week I got my first - ever paycheck : $ 47 after taxes . I paid Mother $ 10 , the amount we 'd agreed would be reasonable room and board for someone of my new " adult - working - girl " status . Because I 'd never learned to drive , a neighbor who worked across the street from my office took me to and from work each day ; in exchange , I gave her gas money . I went to lunch every day with another secretary , mostly to places where we could get a good , hot , plate lunch for $ 1 . Those were my only expenses . I spent the rest of my money on clothes . My lunch buddy , Jo , had established relationships with the owners and managers of all the best clothing stores in town . They 'd call her a day or two ahead of each big sale they planned , and we 'd schedule our daily lunch hours around that insider information . We 'd choose a restaurant near our target store , eat as quickly as possible ( I still eat too fast as a result of that training ) , and shop until it was time to go back to work . During that year , I bought beautiful clothes , dresses I could sketch in detail today if I were talented in that way . I loved them all and wore them well . The sizes were consistent from label to label , so I could pick my size off the rack and it would fit as if it had been designed for me . At 50 percent off , and with the help of layaway , I bought pretty much what I wanted . Some days we shopped only for shoes , and I had shoes in every color . The most popular shoes in the early ' 60s were pointed - toe pumps with stiletto heels , much like the ones I see for sale today . I remember specifically a pair of wedgwood blue pumps that were so beautiful - - and so inexpensive at their sale price - - that I bought them even though I didn 't own one thing to wear with them . Over the next couple of weeks I managed to find a shirtwaist dress and a purse in that exact shade of blue . The dress and purse were not on sale , unfortunately , so those " cheap " shoes ended up costing me a sizPosted by Earlier this week I made a financial investment for my future . Now all I have to do is sit back and reap the rewards . I 'm crossing my fingers that this was a good decision . The advertising hype is that over the course of the next seven years I 'm supposed to save more than five times as much money as I spent on my initial investment . That 's a pretty good return , don 't you think ? I 'm already having visions of a more comfortable retirement than I could have imagined even last week . So , you want to know my money - making secret ? It 's light bulbs ! Yes ! ! I 'm gradually replacing the light bulbs in my home with compact fluorescent bulbs . They 're pricey , but I figure if I buy enough of them , and if they live up to their reputation , I 'll reduce my electric bill to the point that the power company will have to send me a monthly check . The best part isn 't even the money ; it 's the safety factor . There are some hard - to - reach light fixtures in this house . Changing them involves standing on my tiptoes , stretching out as tall as possible , and leaning forward precariously so my fingertips can manipulate impossibly tiny screws that hold delicate glass globes in place . Naturally , maintaining this position involves leg and shoulder cramps . And gritted teeth . But now ? Now I won 't have to do it more than once every seven years . I installed the first of my new light bulbs tonight in the sconce to the right of my fireplace . It should last until I 'm 70 . Check back with me every couple of years and I 'll let you know how we 're doing . There was the merest touch of a chill in the air this morning , not cold by anyone 's standards , but cool enough to make South Louisiana a nicer place to be . I 'm immensely grateful for a day of relief from months of sweltering heat . Fall has always been my favorite time of the year . The autumn colors of my childhood turned out to be what I 'd miss most about Missouri , especially the brilliant red of one particular front - yard maple tree . We don 't get colors like that down here . In another month or so , though , subtle , muted shades of red and gold will begin to creep into the green that currently lines our highways . Our Cajun - country leaves will give it their best shot . For now , I 'm content to measure the changing of the seasons by my changing temperament , casting off summer 's irritability and embracing the opportunity to breathe cool , fresh air . I love being able to open the windows and let some of that freshness inside . It 's also pretty nice to walk the ten steps from the door of my house to my parked car without breaking a sweat . Even the dogs seem to notice the difference . When I was home for lunch today , Kadi was friskier than I 've seen her in months . Tail wagging , she dropped onto her doggy - equivalent of elbows , hind end high in the air , and engaged the tag team of Lucy and Winston in a vigorous wrestling match . Kadi hasn 't played with the pups so enthusiastically since last March , when this photo was taken , before the hot weather set in . But today was glorious - - a wrestling kind of a day . This morning I slept until 9 : 15 , unusually late only because Kadi and Butch normally wake me up well before then . As often happens when I sleep late , I had a recurrent dream , one I 've had so many times previously I couldn 't begin to count them . Some of you have probably had this one , too . It 's an extremely frustrating dream in which I have to go to the bathroom and can 't find one to use . I 'll walk into the bathroom in someone 's home and find a little sign on the toilet saying , " Out of order , please don 't use . " I 'll stop to use the restroom in a public place , but there won 't be a door on the stall , and other people will be in there . I 'll find a toilet that 's private enough to suit me , only to discover that the last person to use it peed all over the seat . Obstacles like those I mentioned in the last paragraph occur almost every time I have this dream , but other versions of the dream have featured some really bizarre obstacles . One time , I stood in line to use the only toilet available at an elegant catering hall . The man who appeared to be in charge of things ( judging by his tuxedo and my internal dream translator ) said the banquet wasn 't due to start for another half hour , so it was okay to use the facilities until guests arrived . All the people in line ahead of me went through the door and used the bathroom with no apparent problem . When it was my turn , however , I was shocked to discover that the toilet was set up in plain sight , right in the center of dozens of white - clothed , centerpiece - topped tables . Still , I needed to go so badly that I stepped up and began to lift my skirt in preparation to do the deed . Wouldn 't you know it ? Waiters bearing trays of water glasses began pouring into the room . I straightened my skirt and made a hasty exit , feeling more desperate than ever . In this morning 's version , it was my husband who repeatedly required my assistance with one damned thing or another just as I was about to get to a usable bathroom . My husband in this dream was capably played by a young Tom Selleck . I suppose Posted by This time last year , my sister and her extended family were here from East Texas while Hurricane Rita huffed and puffed and tried to blow down their houses . The decision for them to come here was kind of a last - minute one ; South Louisiana isn 't first on anyone 's list of safe places to ride out a hurricane . Their choices were limited , though , because three weeks earlier we 'd filled up all the Texas shelters with Hurricane Katrina evacuees , most of whom were still there . It was an interesting time , having them all here under such circumstances . There was a certain amount of stress as we watched the news for every tiny scrap of information available ( few and far between ) about conditions in their town , but it kind of felt like being on vacation , too . We had a really good time . I enjoyed their company so much it was hard for me to remember that their reason for being here wasn 't a pleasant one . Their homes did suffer some damage . My niece 's home took the worst hit when a tree fell through the roof . Fortunately , the damaged portion of the roof was over the garage , and the rest of their house was habitable once the power and water were restored . All of my Texas relatives were sorely inconvenienced for a while , but I 'm pretty sure they consider themselves lucky . We 've all been lucky so far this hurricane season , and I hope it stays that way for years to come . But , Sis ? You probably know this , but I 'll say it again anyway : If there 's anything else y ' all need to run from - - anything from severe weather to boredom and monotony - - I 'd love for you to run this way again . I wouldn 't have missed it for the world ! A teaser on the noontime news today said , " Coming up , those Crocs may be fashionable and comfortable , but they can be dangerous , too . Stay tuned . " Well , that 's just my luck . The Crocs have relieved my foot pain so much that it just stands to reason they 're gonna maim me in some other way . When the actual news report came on after the commercial break , it was a story about children ( one or two maybe ? ) who have sustained serious foot injuries after their Crocs were swallowed at the bottom of an escalator . And this would be the shoe 's fault how ? Give me a break . When we lived in New York , way back in the early ' 70s , my daughters and I witnessed a child , a rather big boy , actually , getting his foot caught in a department - store escalator . His shrieks made a lasting impression on all of us , and I have no doubt that it was painful and frightening . But the boy we saw was wearing sneakers , not Crocs . Crocs hadn 't even been invented yet . The newscaster stated that recent incidents occurred on older escalators , ones that had worn down and no longer had a tight mechanical fit at the bottom . So shouldn 't the news - fingers be pointed at escalators instead of shoes ? I guarantee you , if the thick sole of a Croc could get sucked into the moving parts of an escalator , so could most other children 's shoes . So here 's my suggestion : If your child doesn 't wear steel - toed shoes , and if your child can 't be taught to step off the escalator when it reaches the bottom - - you know the kind of kid I mean , the one who 'll just stand in one spot and let the escalator do the work of pushing him off at the end - - then there 's only one thing to do : You ride behind him , one step back , and be vigilant . Hold your purse and all your packages in one arm and place your other hand on the railing . When that bottom step starts to flatten out in front of your child , let go of the railing , reach out fast with your free arm , and either pick that kid up or shove him hard ! He may skin his knees , but his feet won 't get caught in the shoe - eating escalator . All of us encounter stumbling blocks in the course of our lives . There 's an endlessly wide variety of obstacles available for us humans to bump up against , and they don 't seem to have been distributed even - handedly ; some folks have to struggle harder than others . The ability to navigate successfully through life in spite of those obstacles is a mark of character strength I find admirable and inspirational . I just finished reading today 's entry on Janet 's " Ordinary Life " blog . It 's an honest , thought - provoking post about one particular facet of her life that doesn 't slow her down , but can occasionally trip her up . Janet 's post made me think about things I take for granted and how the inability to use any one of my " tools " for living could throw a monkey wrench into my life in ways I 'd never imagined . All that thinking made me remember somebody I knew a long time ago . For one year in the early ' 80s I volunteered as an adult literacy tutor through the " Operation Upgrade " program in Baton Rouge . ( There was a reason why I decided to do this , but I 'll save that story for another day . ) The student assigned to work with me was Leland ( not his real name ) . He was a handsome young man , 28 years old , who earned his living working on road crews . He 'd made it through the 10th grade without learning to read . " Coach took care of his athletes , " he said . Leland wanted a better job . He had a baby daughter from a relationship that had ended , and he wanted to be able to read to her . He wanted a stable relationship with a good woman who could be proud of him . He wanted a lot of things , and he knew that the first step toward meeting his goals was to learn to read . I could write a lot about our twice - a - week lessons , but I 'll focus this post on one specific class , a couple of months into our time together . Leland showed up that night looking more depressed than I 'd ever seen him . The night before , he told me , he 'd ridden with friends to a small town half an hour north of Baton Rouge . They 'd stopped for gas and a soft drink , and he 'd noticed a really pretty girl who was gassing up her car at the next pump . She 'd noticed him , too , and had given him a big smile . Leland walked up to the girl and struck up a conversation , but he 'd said only a few words when she raised her hand and signaled him to stop speaking . Puzzled , he watched her take a pen and paper from her purse . Gently shaking her head , she touched two fingers to her ear and then to her lips , indicating she couldn 't hear or speak . Still smiling , she extended the paper and pen to Leland so he could write out his message to her . But Leland couldn 't write . He said he was caught off guard and didn 't know what to do . He couldn 't think of any way to explain his predicament to her . So , he told me , he just smiled , shook his head " no , " and tapped his forefinger against the face of his watch , pretending he didn 't have time to write a note . He said she looked confused , her big smile gone , as he gave her a friendly wave and hurried to join his friends inside the building . It had gnawed at him all night and all day . The thing that got to him the most , the thing that almost brought tears to his eyes as he told me about it , was concern for the girl 's feelings . He said she must have known he was interested in the beginning , and she probably thought it was her handicap ( when actually it was his own ) that made him change his mind about getting acquainted with her . He said his inability to read hadn 't hurt anyone but himself up until that point , but now it had caused him to hurt someone else . He said he 'd never felt so low in his whole life . To me , the story of Leland 's encounter with the pretty girl at the gas station was the most ironic tale I 'd heard since my childhood encounter with O . Henry 's " Gift of the Magi " . In fact , I think Leland 's story might have been even more ironic than O . Henry 's . There 's no question it had a sadder ending . My niece has four children , one of whom is a just - turned - three - year - old boy . ( Let 's call my niece " Mom " for purposes of this post , and we 'll call her little one " 3YO . " ) My sister told me yesterday about the following conversation between the two of them . Mom : " Oh , look , my pretty plant is dying . Look how the leaves are falling off . " 3YO : " I didn 't do it . " Mom : " Oh , no , I 'm not saying you did it , I 'm just saying it 's dying . " 3YO : " I didn 't do it . " Mom : ( Beginning to worry that he thinks she 's accusing him ) " Don 't worry about it , okay ? It 's all right . I know you didn 't do it . Sometimes things just die all by themselves . " 3YO : " I didn 't do it . " ( Brief pause ) " My soup did it . " The sun showed up this morning , the clouds came after noon , the rain is pouring as I write , I 'll post the next change soon . Update 9 / 18 / 06 , 5 : 30 p . m . The rain stuck around for more than 24 hours , except for brief respites every now and then . It was raining when I went to work this morning and still raining when I left the office at 5 : 00 p . m . today . Twenty minutes later , though , I arrived home to this : These vivid shades of blue were worth the wait . I 've mentioned before that I 'm not a morning person . My brain 's a little foggy this early in the day , my mind wandering like a free - range chicken , pecking at a piece of this and a bit of that and not willing to be confined to a coop of anything requiring concentration . The dogs woke me up . I let them out , then turned on the computer and the TV to keep me company until they were ready to come back inside . As I clicked on various links to see if my favorite bloggers had posted anything new , the TV reporter talked about a group of retirees who came together because , I heard her say , " Their passion is Play - Doh . " Whaaaaaat ? You mean I 'm not the only one ? Just this past Sunday , on my grandson 's birthday , he and I were reminiscing about the things we used to do together when he was little . He mentioned the little " people " I used to make out of Play - Doh . I hadn 't thought about that in years , but I used to love it when the kids played with Play - Doh . We 'd spread a big plastic tablecloth on the floor , put all the supplies in the middle of it , and have some serious fun . While the kids played with the Fun Factory and molded hamburgers and cheese wedges , I handcrafted tiny vegetables and fruits . I made inch - long bananas with minute brown spots and tiny oranges with skins pitted by rolling them around on the tablecloth . My best pieces , though , were tiny human heads . Most of the heads were of old people . I tried once or twice to make a younger person , but by the time I 'd pinched out a nose and pushed up some cheekbones , they all came out looking older . For every head I created , I made a separate set of shoulders , dressed with collar or necktie to match the head . The shoulders served as a base , and I connected the head to the base with a sturdy length of toothpick . Once everything dried for a day or two , the heads tended to wobble , but the kids didn 't care . Neither did I . When my grandson mentioned the Play - Doh people , I found myself missing the good smell of the stuff and the pleasing texture of it in my hands . I wondered if it mighPosted by I 'm exhausted tonight , too tired to write , really , but still feeling inclined to " feed the blog . " Afraid of falling asleep while trying to think of something to write , I jump - started the process by clicking on " My Pictures " to see if anything there moved me to tell a story . The first thing that caught my eye was this off - center photo of the generation that preceded my own . The girl second from the right is my mother . Her baby brother is at the center of the photo and her older brother is on the right . The boy and girl at left are their first cousins . It 's the girls I want to talk about tonight . They were 14 and 15 when this photo was taken in 1937 . Mother grew up in Springfield , Missouri , and Nadine , the daughter of my grandmother 's sister , grew up in the Kansas City area . The two girls didn 't see each other often because of all the geography between them , but their personalities were a match and they were the best of friends . All the way up until their grandchildren were almost grown , they laughed themselves silly whenever they got together . In 1933 , four years before this photo was taken , their grandfather died , and they traveled with their families from their respective homes to Galena , Kansas , for his funeral . On the one hand , they 'd loved their grandfather , although they didn 't really know him all that well . On the other hand , they were glad to see each other , and they had a lot of catching up to do . Mother and Nadine sat together on the front pew during the funeral service , possibly the first one either had attended , and they recognized that it was a solemn occasion . Something about it , though , maybe just nerves , made one of them giggle . That made the other one giggle , too . Before they could get a grip on it , the laughter bubbled up in their throats until they couldn 't contain it any longer and it burst out - - loudly . Mother said they caught their breath long enough to give each other a sidewise glance , both of them recognizing instantly that they were going to be in serious trouble with their parents . NadinePosted by A couple of months ago , Dooce wrote about discovering she had skin cancer . What caught my interest about that particular blog entry is that she described the cancerous bump as looking like a scar . Hmm , I thought when I read that , then pulled up my pant leg to look at the little bump I 'd noticed recently on my left knee . I hadn 't worried about it , just wondered what it was . It wasn 't even as big as a match head , but it didn 't look like a mole or a wart or a pimple . What it looked like most was a little upraised lump of pearly - pink scar tissue . Dooce had apparently had hers for quite some time , so I resolved just to keep an eye on the thing for now . Still , when I went to the doctor for my checkup a few weeks ago , I asked her to recommend a good dermatologist . One of these days , I thought , I 'll go check out that little bump and the itchy red rash I know will appear on my right ankle when the weather starts getting cold again . I don 't have health insurance ; barring emergencies , I go to the doctor when I 've accumulated enough complaints to get my money 's worth . So , anyway , I was sitting in the recliner two nights ago , wearing a pair of shorts . Winston , my daughter 's Yorkie , was snuggled into my lap . His head was resting near my left knee , but he was wide awake , watching the other dogs and licking me every now and then . As I watched TV and stroked him absent - mindedly , I suddenly felt an intense stinging pain in my knee , and Winston began licking furiously right on the spot that hurt . I immediately moved Winston and took a closer look . Where the suspicious little lump had been , there was only a tiny round wound , bleeding ever so slightly . I looked at the wound , then at Winston , then I looked at the wound again , then back at Winston . He was sitting right next to me , quietly but conspicuously licking his lips . What the hell ? Did he just all of a sudden take a notion that something edible was stuck to my leg and help himself to a little snack ? I 'm still watching that spot on my knee . There seems to be a slightly raised rim aroPosted by I 've been watching TV tonight , remembering the events of 9 / 11 , and hadn 't intended to post anything . In fact , I was headed to bed when I decided to do a quick check for e - mail messages and blog comments . I also checked my cousin 's new blog and found a comment there from Sunflower Optimism , whose name you may recognize from her visits here . In her comment , Sunflower was thanking my cousin , Postlady , for giving her the courage to post her first blog today . Naturally , I jumped over and checked it out . Sunflower , it seems , has a natural aptitude for writing . I 'm grateful she 's decided to share it with us and understand completely why today was the day . I , for one , look forward to reading more . My grandson turns 17 today , and I can 't begin to adequately describe the pleasure it 's been to watch him grow up . This is one of my favorite pictures of his " bad " two - year - old self , the devil in his eyes making it clear what he thought of having his picture taken at that moment . On his second birthday , a couple of months earlier , he sat in his highchair at the end of a picnic table , surrounded by family members , and opened birthday gifts . His expression didn 't change as he ripped paper and ribbon away from present after present . No " thank you " left his lips despite prompting ; he didn 't say a word . It was impossible to tell whether he liked something or not until he opened a package containing a colorful , plastic tool kit . His face didn 't change even then , but he immediately began to climb out of his highchair . His mother helped him down , people parted to get out of his way , and he carried the tool kit under his arm until he reached the family car parked nearby in the driveway . There , he sat on the ground , leaned forward , and began to work on a wheel with his new tools . On his fourth birthday , he romped outside with his friends and cousins of all ages , running and jumping and all the things little kids do , until a pickup truck drove up to drop off some folding tables for the party . The rest of the kids continued to play , but the birthday boy ran to the truck and offered to help unload the tables . He considered himself one of the men , and there was work to be done . A couple of months after his 10th birthday , my mother died , and my grandson went with us to Texas for her funeral . He asked his mother if people would think he was too young to be a pallbearer , because he 'd really like to do that for Mama - Too . He was big for ten years old , but not that big ; the other pallbearers readily agreed to pick up his slack and he helped lay his great - grandmother to rest . There 's no greater gift he could ever have given her . He 's a good student and a good athlete . He may have a head full of fun and mischief , but his heart is full of Posted by My younger daughter has been in a whirlwind of redecorating activity for the past couple of weeks . I 've always thought her home was beautiful as it was , but she grew tired of its neutral color palette , deciding to use bolder colors on certain walls and accessories to " warm it up . " She loves the new look , and I can 't wait to see it . Listening to her excitement as she talked about the changes she 's making reminded me of her enthusiasm when she was 10 and we redecorated her bedroom in New York . Back then she fell in love with French provincial furniture , white , with gold trim . The wallpaper she chose had stripes of delicate flowers in pastel blue , green , and lavendar on a white background . Her dad built a white wooden canopy over her bed , with scalloped edges and strands of beads hanging from each side in colors that matched her wallpaper . It was a room fit for a princess . Fast forward five years . We 'd moved from New York to Georgia and then on to Louisiana , and the white bedroom furniture had moved with us . She was 15 by then and had definite ideas about how her hip teenager 's room should look . Her plans included new furniture , and she wasn 't happy to learn that our budget didn 't . " This looks like a little girl 's stuff , " she complained . " It 's too young for me now . " " We can make it work , " we told her . " We tried to talk you into something different when we bought this furniture , but this is what you had to have . You wouldn 't even consider anything else . " " Well , maybe so , " she said without missing a beat , " but how would you like to live with a decision made by a ten - year - old ? " There was no way we could argue with that kind of logic , so we didn 't even try . Her point was valid . Still , it all came down to money , and she didn 't get new furniture . I can 't tell you how happy I am for her now that she 's in a position to change her mind once in a while . You go , girl ! I have a couple of houseguests for the next nine days , youngsters whose mom has never left them overnight before . I must say they 're doing better than I 'd expected . These kids spend a lot of time here under normal circumstances , so they 're familiar with the household rules , but they 're still young enough to hope I won 't notice if they break them now and then . While I worked yesterday , I left them with a couple of senior citizens who don 't hesitate to alert me if something displeases them . Everybody seemed very happy when I got home , and nothing was out of place except the little ones ' toys . Same thing again today . So far , so good . Bedtime last night was a little challenging . The young ' uns couldn 't decide whether to sleep in the guest room , where they 've stayed before with their mom , or in my bed . To be honest , I didn 't care one way or the other ; I just wanted them to make a decision , stop jumping in and out of my bed , and settle down . Fortunately , that happened soon after I closed my book and turned off the light . In case you haven 't figured it out yet , my houseguests are my granddogs , Lucy and Winston , whose mom jetted out of town early yesterday . Have a wonderful time with your friends , Kim , and don 't worry about your babies . Kadi , Butch , and I have it all under control . . . . from my cousin , Postlady , who has dropped her first certified letter into the mailbox at the corner of 1st and Blogger , return receipt requested . She 's been reading blogs for a couple of months now , so you may be among the " wanted posters " in her comments section . Stop by , if you get a chance , and express yourself . On Labor Day I joined my family and a lot of their friends for a barbecued rib cook - off , which was a follow - up to the bake - off I told you about at the end of July . From what I 'd heard about the bake - off , I was expecting a dozen or so people at the barbecue . Boy , was I surprised . There must have been at least 50 people there , many of whom took their barbecuing seriously and all of whom appeared to be having a great time . My granddaughter and her fiancé , hosts of the event , said they 'd e - mailed invites to several people but hadn 't had any idea that so many would show up . Ha ! They ended up with 14 entrants , which translated into 14 individuals or teams who 'd dragged their families , their barbecue pits , and all of their ingredients and supplies to a backyard barbecue competition . Half a dozen of them had even set up tents . I was impressed with the judging system . Each contestant or team was provided with a numbered styrofoam box to hold their final " product . " A table was set up in the carport to hold all the entries , and everyone had to put their closed box of ribs on that table at 5 : 00 p . m . sharp . Meanwhile , at the dining table inside the house , three judges waited with numbered score sheets as the entries were delivered to them a couple at a time . No one else was allowed near the judges ' table until all the goods had been sampled and the scoring was done . The judges awarded points in each of three categories : presentation , texture , and taste . I can 't comment on presentation ( the cooks were secretive as they arranged their offerings ) , but samples were passed around all afternoon and I can attest to a wonderful variety of tastes and textures . All these cooks were working toward one prize , a simple but important one in this part of the country : braggin ' rights . And the surprised and happy winners ? My daughter and grandson , ably assisted by my son - in - law who manned the fire all afternoon . The ribs they cooked may have been the best I 've ever tasted , but I need to try them a few more times real soon to bePosted by Today was an excellent day , even though I didn 't expect it to be . When I woke up this morning , I knew this was the day I 'd have to grit my teeth and go to Wal - Mart . It 's been several weeks since I last made a major grocery shopping trip , and there was no way I could postpone it any longer . The " dogs " at the end of my legs would just have to suffer so my fur - covered dogs and I would have food . Fortunately , my older daughter gave me a gift yesterday afternoon of my first pair of Crocs . These may be the ugliest shoes I 've ever owned , but , omigod , they 're comfortable ! Usually , after buying a month 's worth of groceries and putting them away , my feet are screaming and the rest of my day is wasted . Today , my feet and legs were a little bit tired . That 's all . And they recovered after a brief rest . I realize some of you have a higher standard of fashion than plastic / rubber shoes ( not to mention any names , Rebekah ) . Rest assured , I plan to order some dressier shoes from a couple of the sites y ' all recommended . There are times when I need to look like a girly - woman and / or a professional . But I 'm gonna order more Crocs , too . I could get used to having something on my mind other than aching feet . So , the first part of my day was excellent because I got the grocery shopping done , right down to the excessive purchase of you - know - what , and I still had enough spring in my step to attend a barbecued - rib cook - off this afternoon . The cook - off was the most excellent part of the day . I 'll tell you more about it in my next post . For now , facing the cold , hard fact that I have to go back to work tomorrow , I 'll take my full belly - - and my relatively okay feet - - to bed . I will sleep well tonight . I can 't remember where I saw it , but their there was something on TV or the Internet the other day about people who are trying to change the official spelling of certain words to make the English language less complicated . I 've always bin been fascinated buy by words , in and of themselves , so this subject peeked peaked piqued my interest . I 've amused myself on numerous occasions by thinking about the inconsistencies in the weigh way words look similar on paper butt but are pronounced differently . I 've also wondered whether laziness or just lack of imagination was responsible for sew so many words that have entirely different meanings but sound exactly alike . Maybe there simply aren 't enough separate and distinct sounds to make a fresh word for each thing we need to right write or speak about . ( Yes , I know I ended a sentence with a preposition ; but that 's for another blog entry . ) Curiosity and a quick Google search lead led me to the Simplified Spelling Society . Wow ! These guys have it all laid out for us , complete with examples of unpredictable spellings and a history of how the English language ended up in this condition . The SSS people make a good case for changing words we 've learned the hard way , and the suggested spellings would no doubt be easier to learn . But what would happen to the fun ? For example , without the inconsistencies , I couldn 't have written this : " Admit it . You aren 't like them . You 're not even close . You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them , watch the same mindless television shows as they do , maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes . But it seems that the more you try to fit in , the more you feel like an outsider , watching the ' normal people ' as they go about their automatic existences . For every time you say club passwords like ' Have a nice day ' and ' Weather 's awful today , eh ? ' , you yearn inside to say forbidden things like ' Tell me something that makes you cry ' or ' What do you think deja vu is for ? ' Face it , you even want to talk to that girl in the elevator . But what if that girl in the elevator ( and the balding man who walks past your cubicle at work ) are thinking the same thing ? Who knows what you might learn from taking a chance on conversation with a stranger ? Everyone carries a piece of the puzzle . Nobody comes into your life by mere coincidence . Trust your instincts . Do the unexpected . Find the others . . . " - - Timothy Leary She cared for those trinkets as if they were cherished heirlooms , rarely displaying them in public . She stored them in protective velvet sacks , drawing them out only when she was alone or in the company of those she trusted to understand why the simple objects mattered . And as careful as she was to protect the trinkets , so she was cautious about sharing her words , and for the same reasons . LN All rights reserved . Please don 't copy text or photos without my written consent . That being said , you can link to this blog from your site anytime you want . |
On the Monday after I graduated from high school I started working for an East Texas law firm . On Friday of that week I got my first - ever paycheck : $ 47 after taxes . I paid Mother $ 10 , the amount we 'd agreed would be reasonable room and board for someone of my new " adult - working - girl " status . Because I 'd never learned to drive , a neighbor who worked across the street from my office took me to and from work each day ; in exchange , I gave her gas money . I went to lunch every day with another secretary , mostly to places where we could get a good , hot , plate lunch for $ 1 . Those were my only expenses . I spent the rest of my money on clothes . My lunch buddy , Jo , had established relationships with the owners and managers of all the best clothing stores in town . They 'd call her a day or two ahead of each big sale they planned , and we 'd schedule our daily lunch hours around that insider information . We 'd choose a restaurant near our target store , eat as quickly as possible ( I still eat too fast as a result of that training ) , and shop until it was time to go back to work . During that year , I bought beautiful clothes , dresses I could sketch in detail today if I were talented in that way . I loved them all and wore them well . The sizes were consistent from label to label , so I could pick my size off the rack and it would fit as if it had been designed for me . At 50 percent off , and with the help of layaway , I bought pretty much what I wanted . Some days we shopped only for shoes , and I had shoes in every color . The most popular shoes in the early ' 60s were pointed - toe pumps with stiletto heels , much like the ones I see for sale today . I remember specifically a pair of wedgwood blue pumps that were so beautiful - - and so inexpensive at their sale price - - that I bought them even though I didn 't own one thing to wear with them . Over the next couple of weeks I managed to find a shirtwaist dress and a purse in that exact shade of blue . The dress and purse were not on sale , unfortunately , so those " cheap " shoes ended up costing me a sizPosted by Earlier this week I made a financial investment for my future . Now all I have to do is sit back and reap the rewards . I 'm crossing my fingers that this was a good decision . The advertising hype is that over the course of the next seven years I 'm supposed to save more than five times as much money as I spent on my initial investment . That 's a pretty good return , don 't you think ? I 'm already having visions of a more comfortable retirement than I could have imagined even last week . So , you want to know my money - making secret ? It 's light bulbs ! Yes ! ! I 'm gradually replacing the light bulbs in my home with compact fluorescent bulbs . They 're pricey , but I figure if I buy enough of them , and if they live up to their reputation , I 'll reduce my electric bill to the point that the power company will have to send me a monthly check . The best part isn 't even the money ; it 's the safety factor . There are some hard - to - reach light fixtures in this house . Changing them involves standing on my tiptoes , stretching out as tall as possible , and leaning forward precariously so my fingertips can manipulate impossibly tiny screws that hold delicate glass globes in place . Naturally , maintaining this position involves leg and shoulder cramps . And gritted teeth . But now ? Now I won 't have to do it more than once every seven years . I installed the first of my new light bulbs tonight in the sconce to the right of my fireplace . It should last until I 'm 70 . Check back with me every couple of years and I 'll let you know how we 're doing . There was the merest touch of a chill in the air this morning , not cold by anyone 's standards , but cool enough to make South Louisiana a nicer place to be . I 'm immensely grateful for a day of relief from months of sweltering heat . Fall has always been my favorite time of the year . The autumn colors of my childhood turned out to be what I 'd miss most about Missouri , especially the brilliant red of one particular front - yard maple tree . We don 't get colors like that down here . In another month or so , though , subtle , muted shades of red and gold will begin to creep into the green that currently lines our highways . Our Cajun - country leaves will give it their best shot . For now , I 'm content to measure the changing of the seasons by my changing temperament , casting off summer 's irritability and embracing the opportunity to breathe cool , fresh air . I love being able to open the windows and let some of that freshness inside . It 's also pretty nice to walk the ten steps from the door of my house to my parked car without breaking a sweat . Even the dogs seem to notice the difference . When I was home for lunch today , Kadi was friskier than I 've seen her in months . Tail wagging , she dropped onto her doggy - equivalent of elbows , hind end high in the air , and engaged the tag team of Lucy and Winston in a vigorous wrestling match . Kadi hasn 't played with the pups so enthusiastically since last March , when this photo was taken , before the hot weather set in . But today was glorious - - a wrestling kind of a day . This morning I slept until 9 : 15 , unusually late only because Kadi and Butch normally wake me up well before then . As often happens when I sleep late , I had a recurrent dream , one I 've had so many times previously I couldn 't begin to count them . Some of you have probably had this one , too . It 's an extremely frustrating dream in which I have to go to the bathroom and can 't find one to use . I 'll walk into the bathroom in someone 's home and find a little sign on the toilet saying , " Out of order , please don 't use . " I 'll stop to use the restroom in a public place , but there won 't be a door on the stall , and other people will be in there . I 'll find a toilet that 's private enough to suit me , only to discover that the last person to use it peed all over the seat . Obstacles like those I mentioned in the last paragraph occur almost every time I have this dream , but other versions of the dream have featured some really bizarre obstacles . One time , I stood in line to use the only toilet available at an elegant catering hall . The man who appeared to be in charge of things ( judging by his tuxedo and my internal dream translator ) said the banquet wasn 't due to start for another half hour , so it was okay to use the facilities until guests arrived . All the people in line ahead of me went through the door and used the bathroom with no apparent problem . When it was my turn , however , I was shocked to discover that the toilet was set up in plain sight , right in the center of dozens of white - clothed , centerpiece - topped tables . Still , I needed to go so badly that I stepped up and began to lift my skirt in preparation to do the deed . Wouldn 't you know it ? Waiters bearing trays of water glasses began pouring into the room . I straightened my skirt and made a hasty exit , feeling more desperate than ever . In this morning 's version , it was my husband who repeatedly required my assistance with one damned thing or another just as I was about to get to a usable bathroom . My husband in this dream was capably played by a young Tom Selleck . I suppose Posted by This time last year , my sister and her extended family were here from East Texas while Hurricane Rita huffed and puffed and tried to blow down their houses . The decision for them to come here was kind of a last - minute one ; South Louisiana isn 't first on anyone 's list of safe places to ride out a hurricane . Their choices were limited , though , because three weeks earlier we 'd filled up all the Texas shelters with Hurricane Katrina evacuees , most of whom were still there . It was an interesting time , having them all here under such circumstances . There was a certain amount of stress as we watched the news for every tiny scrap of information available ( few and far between ) about conditions in their town , but it kind of felt like being on vacation , too . We had a really good time . I enjoyed their company so much it was hard for me to remember that their reason for being here wasn 't a pleasant one . Their homes did suffer some damage . My niece 's home took the worst hit when a tree fell through the roof . Fortunately , the damaged portion of the roof was over the garage , and the rest of their house was habitable once the power and water were restored . All of my Texas relatives were sorely inconvenienced for a while , but I 'm pretty sure they consider themselves lucky . We 've all been lucky so far this hurricane season , and I hope it stays that way for years to come . But , Sis ? You probably know this , but I 'll say it again anyway : If there 's anything else y ' all need to run from - - anything from severe weather to boredom and monotony - - I 'd love for you to run this way again . I wouldn 't have missed it for the world ! A teaser on the noontime news today said , " Coming up , those Crocs may be fashionable and comfortable , but they can be dangerous , too . Stay tuned . " Well , that 's just my luck . The Crocs have relieved my foot pain so much that it just stands to reason they 're gonna maim me in some other way . When the actual news report came on after the commercial break , it was a story about children ( one or two maybe ? ) who have sustained serious foot injuries after their Crocs were swallowed at the bottom of an escalator . And this would be the shoe 's fault how ? Give me a break . When we lived in New York , way back in the early ' 70s , my daughters and I witnessed a child , a rather big boy , actually , getting his foot caught in a department - store escalator . His shrieks made a lasting impression on all of us , and I have no doubt that it was painful and frightening . But the boy we saw was wearing sneakers , not Crocs . Crocs hadn 't even been invented yet . The newscaster stated that recent incidents occurred on older escalators , ones that had worn down and no longer had a tight mechanical fit at the bottom . So shouldn 't the news - fingers be pointed at escalators instead of shoes ? I guarantee you , if the thick sole of a Croc could get sucked into the moving parts of an escalator , so could most other children 's shoes . So here 's my suggestion : If your child doesn 't wear steel - toed shoes , and if your child can 't be taught to step off the escalator when it reaches the bottom - - you know the kind of kid I mean , the one who 'll just stand in one spot and let the escalator do the work of pushing him off at the end - - then there 's only one thing to do : You ride behind him , one step back , and be vigilant . Hold your purse and all your packages in one arm and place your other hand on the railing . When that bottom step starts to flatten out in front of your child , let go of the railing , reach out fast with your free arm , and either pick that kid up or shove him hard ! He may skin his knees , but his feet won 't get caught in the shoe - eating escalator . All of us encounter stumbling blocks in the course of our lives . There 's an endlessly wide variety of obstacles available for us humans to bump up against , and they don 't seem to have been distributed even - handedly ; some folks have to struggle harder than others . The ability to navigate successfully through life in spite of those obstacles is a mark of character strength I find admirable and inspirational . I just finished reading today 's entry on Janet 's " Ordinary Life " blog . It 's an honest , thought - provoking post about one particular facet of her life that doesn 't slow her down , but can occasionally trip her up . Janet 's post made me think about things I take for granted and how the inability to use any one of my " tools " for living could throw a monkey wrench into my life in ways I 'd never imagined . All that thinking made me remember somebody I knew a long time ago . For one year in the early ' 80s I volunteered as an adult literacy tutor through the " Operation Upgrade " program in Baton Rouge . ( There was a reason why I decided to do this , but I 'll save that story for another day . ) The student assigned to work with me was Leland ( not his real name ) . He was a handsome young man , 28 years old , who earned his living working on road crews . He 'd made it through the 10th grade without learning to read . " Coach took care of his athletes , " he said . Leland wanted a better job . He had a baby daughter from a relationship that had ended , and he wanted to be able to read to her . He wanted a stable relationship with a good woman who could be proud of him . He wanted a lot of things , and he knew that the first step toward meeting his goals was to learn to read . I could write a lot about our twice - a - week lessons , but I 'll focus this post on one specific class , a couple of months into our time together . Leland showed up that night looking more depressed than I 'd ever seen him . The night before , he told me , he 'd ridden with friends to a small town half an hour north of Baton Rouge . They 'd stopped for gas and a soft drink , and he 'd noticed a really pretty girl who was gassing up her car at the next pump . She 'd noticed him , too , and had given him a big smile . Leland walked up to the girl and struck up a conversation , but he 'd said only a few words when she raised her hand and signaled him to stop speaking . Puzzled , he watched her take a pen and paper from her purse . Gently shaking her head , she touched two fingers to her ear and then to her lips , indicating she couldn 't hear or speak . Still smiling , she extended the paper and pen to Leland so he could write out his message to her . But Leland couldn 't write . He said he was caught off guard and didn 't know what to do . He couldn 't think of any way to explain his predicament to her . So , he told me , he just smiled , shook his head " no , " and tapped his forefinger against the face of his watch , pretending he didn 't have time to write a note . He said she looked confused , her big smile gone , as he gave her a friendly wave and hurried to join his friends inside the building . It had gnawed at him all night and all day . The thing that got to him the most , the thing that almost brought tears to his eyes as he told me about it , was concern for the girl 's feelings . He said she must have known he was interested in the beginning , and she probably thought it was her handicap ( when actually it was his own ) that made him change his mind about getting acquainted with her . He said his inability to read hadn 't hurt anyone but himself up until that point , but now it had caused him to hurt someone else . He said he 'd never felt so low in his whole life . To me , the story of Leland 's encounter with the pretty girl at the gas station was the most ironic tale I 'd heard since my childhood encounter with O . Henry 's " Gift of the Magi " . In fact , I think Leland 's story might have been even more ironic than O . Henry 's . There 's no question it had a sadder ending . My niece has four children , one of whom is a just - turned - three - year - old boy . ( Let 's call my niece " Mom " for purposes of this post , and we 'll call her little one " 3YO . " ) My sister told me yesterday about the following conversation between the two of them . Mom : " Oh , look , my pretty plant is dying . Look how the leaves are falling off . " 3YO : " I didn 't do it . " Mom : " Oh , no , I 'm not saying you did it , I 'm just saying it 's dying . " 3YO : " I didn 't do it . " Mom : ( Beginning to worry that he thinks she 's accusing him ) " Don 't worry about it , okay ? It 's all right . I know you didn 't do it . Sometimes things just die all by themselves . " 3YO : " I didn 't do it . " ( Brief pause ) " My soup did it . " The sun showed up this morning , the clouds came after noon , the rain is pouring as I write , I 'll post the next change soon . Update 9 / 18 / 06 , 5 : 30 p . m . The rain stuck around for more than 24 hours , except for brief respites every now and then . It was raining when I went to work this morning and still raining when I left the office at 5 : 00 p . m . today . Twenty minutes later , though , I arrived home to this : These vivid shades of blue were worth the wait . I 've mentioned before that I 'm not a morning person . My brain 's a little foggy this early in the day , my mind wandering like a free - range chicken , pecking at a piece of this and a bit of that and not willing to be confined to a coop of anything requiring concentration . The dogs woke me up . I let them out , then turned on the computer and the TV to keep me company until they were ready to come back inside . As I clicked on various links to see if my favorite bloggers had posted anything new , the TV reporter talked about a group of retirees who came together because , I heard her say , " Their passion is Play - Doh . " Whaaaaaat ? You mean I 'm not the only one ? Just this past Sunday , on my grandson 's birthday , he and I were reminiscing about the things we used to do together when he was little . He mentioned the little " people " I used to make out of Play - Doh . I hadn 't thought about that in years , but I used to love it when the kids played with Play - Doh . We 'd spread a big plastic tablecloth on the floor , put all the supplies in the middle of it , and have some serious fun . While the kids played with the Fun Factory and molded hamburgers and cheese wedges , I handcrafted tiny vegetables and fruits . I made inch - long bananas with minute brown spots and tiny oranges with skins pitted by rolling them around on the tablecloth . My best pieces , though , were tiny human heads . Most of the heads were of old people . I tried once or twice to make a younger person , but by the time I 'd pinched out a nose and pushed up some cheekbones , they all came out looking older . For every head I created , I made a separate set of shoulders , dressed with collar or necktie to match the head . The shoulders served as a base , and I connected the head to the base with a sturdy length of toothpick . Once everything dried for a day or two , the heads tended to wobble , but the kids didn 't care . Neither did I . When my grandson mentioned the Play - Doh people , I found myself missing the good smell of the stuff and the pleasing texture of it in my hands . I wondered if it mighPosted by I 'm exhausted tonight , too tired to write , really , but still feeling inclined to " feed the blog . " Afraid of falling asleep while trying to think of something to write , I jump - started the process by clicking on " My Pictures " to see if anything there moved me to tell a story . The first thing that caught my eye was this off - center photo of the generation that preceded my own . The girl second from the right is my mother . Her baby brother is at the center of the photo and her older brother is on the right . The boy and girl at left are their first cousins . It 's the girls I want to talk about tonight . They were 14 and 15 when this photo was taken in 1937 . Mother grew up in Springfield , Missouri , and Nadine , the daughter of my grandmother 's sister , grew up in the Kansas City area . The two girls didn 't see each other often because of all the geography between them , but their personalities were a match and they were the best of friends . All the way up until their grandchildren were almost grown , they laughed themselves silly whenever they got together . In 1933 , four years before this photo was taken , their grandfather died , and they traveled with their families from their respective homes to Galena , Kansas , for his funeral . On the one hand , they 'd loved their grandfather , although they didn 't really know him all that well . On the other hand , they were glad to see each other , and they had a lot of catching up to do . Mother and Nadine sat together on the front pew during the funeral service , possibly the first one either had attended , and they recognized that it was a solemn occasion . Something about it , though , maybe just nerves , made one of them giggle . That made the other one giggle , too . Before they could get a grip on it , the laughter bubbled up in their throats until they couldn 't contain it any longer and it burst out - - loudly . Mother said they caught their breath long enough to give each other a sidewise glance , both of them recognizing instantly that they were going to be in serious trouble with their parents . NadinePosted by A couple of months ago , Dooce wrote about discovering she had skin cancer . What caught my interest about that particular blog entry is that she described the cancerous bump as looking like a scar . Hmm , I thought when I read that , then pulled up my pant leg to look at the little bump I 'd noticed recently on my left knee . I hadn 't worried about it , just wondered what it was . It wasn 't even as big as a match head , but it didn 't look like a mole or a wart or a pimple . What it looked like most was a little upraised lump of pearly - pink scar tissue . Dooce had apparently had hers for quite some time , so I resolved just to keep an eye on the thing for now . Still , when I went to the doctor for my checkup a few weeks ago , I asked her to recommend a good dermatologist . One of these days , I thought , I 'll go check out that little bump and the itchy red rash I know will appear on my right ankle when the weather starts getting cold again . I don 't have health insurance ; barring emergencies , I go to the doctor when I 've accumulated enough complaints to get my money 's worth . So , anyway , I was sitting in the recliner two nights ago , wearing a pair of shorts . Winston , my daughter 's Yorkie , was snuggled into my lap . His head was resting near my left knee , but he was wide awake , watching the other dogs and licking me every now and then . As I watched TV and stroked him absent - mindedly , I suddenly felt an intense stinging pain in my knee , and Winston began licking furiously right on the spot that hurt . I immediately moved Winston and took a closer look . Where the suspicious little lump had been , there was only a tiny round wound , bleeding ever so slightly . I looked at the wound , then at Winston , then I looked at the wound again , then back at Winston . He was sitting right next to me , quietly but conspicuously licking his lips . What the hell ? Did he just all of a sudden take a notion that something edible was stuck to my leg and help himself to a little snack ? I 'm still watching that spot on my knee . There seems to be a slightly raised rim aroPosted by I 've been watching TV tonight , remembering the events of 9 / 11 , and hadn 't intended to post anything . In fact , I was headed to bed when I decided to do a quick check for e - mail messages and blog comments . I also checked my cousin 's new blog and found a comment there from Sunflower Optimism , whose name you may recognize from her visits here . In her comment , Sunflower was thanking my cousin , Postlady , for giving her the courage to post her first blog today . Naturally , I jumped over and checked it out . Sunflower , it seems , has a natural aptitude for writing . I 'm grateful she 's decided to share it with us and understand completely why today was the day . I , for one , look forward to reading more . My grandson turns 17 today , and I can 't begin to adequately describe the pleasure it 's been to watch him grow up . This is one of my favorite pictures of his " bad " two - year - old self , the devil in his eyes making it clear what he thought of having his picture taken at that moment . On his second birthday , a couple of months earlier , he sat in his highchair at the end of a picnic table , surrounded by family members , and opened birthday gifts . His expression didn 't change as he ripped paper and ribbon away from present after present . No " thank you " left his lips despite prompting ; he didn 't say a word . It was impossible to tell whether he liked something or not until he opened a package containing a colorful , plastic tool kit . His face didn 't change even then , but he immediately began to climb out of his highchair . His mother helped him down , people parted to get out of his way , and he carried the tool kit under his arm until he reached the family car parked nearby in the driveway . There , he sat on the ground , leaned forward , and began to work on a wheel with his new tools . On his fourth birthday , he romped outside with his friends and cousins of all ages , running and jumping and all the things little kids do , until a pickup truck drove up to drop off some folding tables for the party . The rest of the kids continued to play , but the birthday boy ran to the truck and offered to help unload the tables . He considered himself one of the men , and there was work to be done . A couple of months after his 10th birthday , my mother died , and my grandson went with us to Texas for her funeral . He asked his mother if people would think he was too young to be a pallbearer , because he 'd really like to do that for Mama - Too . He was big for ten years old , but not that big ; the other pallbearers readily agreed to pick up his slack and he helped lay his great - grandmother to rest . There 's no greater gift he could ever have given her . He 's a good student and a good athlete . He may have a head full of fun and mischief , but his heart is full of Posted by My younger daughter has been in a whirlwind of redecorating activity for the past couple of weeks . I 've always thought her home was beautiful as it was , but she grew tired of its neutral color palette , deciding to use bolder colors on certain walls and accessories to " warm it up . " She loves the new look , and I can 't wait to see it . Listening to her excitement as she talked about the changes she 's making reminded me of her enthusiasm when she was 10 and we redecorated her bedroom in New York . Back then she fell in love with French provincial furniture , white , with gold trim . The wallpaper she chose had stripes of delicate flowers in pastel blue , green , and lavendar on a white background . Her dad built a white wooden canopy over her bed , with scalloped edges and strands of beads hanging from each side in colors that matched her wallpaper . It was a room fit for a princess . Fast forward five years . We 'd moved from New York to Georgia and then on to Louisiana , and the white bedroom furniture had moved with us . She was 15 by then and had definite ideas about how her hip teenager 's room should look . Her plans included new furniture , and she wasn 't happy to learn that our budget didn 't . " This looks like a little girl 's stuff , " she complained . " It 's too young for me now . " " We can make it work , " we told her . " We tried to talk you into something different when we bought this furniture , but this is what you had to have . You wouldn 't even consider anything else . " " Well , maybe so , " she said without missing a beat , " but how would you like to live with a decision made by a ten - year - old ? " There was no way we could argue with that kind of logic , so we didn 't even try . Her point was valid . Still , it all came down to money , and she didn 't get new furniture . I can 't tell you how happy I am for her now that she 's in a position to change her mind once in a while . You go , girl ! I have a couple of houseguests for the next nine days , youngsters whose mom has never left them overnight before . I must say they 're doing better than I 'd expected . These kids spend a lot of time here under normal circumstances , so they 're familiar with the household rules , but they 're still young enough to hope I won 't notice if they break them now and then . While I worked yesterday , I left them with a couple of senior citizens who don 't hesitate to alert me if something displeases them . Everybody seemed very happy when I got home , and nothing was out of place except the little ones ' toys . Same thing again today . So far , so good . Bedtime last night was a little challenging . The young ' uns couldn 't decide whether to sleep in the guest room , where they 've stayed before with their mom , or in my bed . To be honest , I didn 't care one way or the other ; I just wanted them to make a decision , stop jumping in and out of my bed , and settle down . Fortunately , that happened soon after I closed my book and turned off the light . In case you haven 't figured it out yet , my houseguests are my granddogs , Lucy and Winston , whose mom jetted out of town early yesterday . Have a wonderful time with your friends , Kim , and don 't worry about your babies . Kadi , Butch , and I have it all under control . . . . from my cousin , Postlady , who has dropped her first certified letter into the mailbox at the corner of 1st and Blogger , return receipt requested . She 's been reading blogs for a couple of months now , so you may be among the " wanted posters " in her comments section . Stop by , if you get a chance , and express yourself . On Labor Day I joined my family and a lot of their friends for a barbecued rib cook - off , which was a follow - up to the bake - off I told you about at the end of July . From what I 'd heard about the bake - off , I was expecting a dozen or so people at the barbecue . Boy , was I surprised . There must have been at least 50 people there , many of whom took their barbecuing seriously and all of whom appeared to be having a great time . My granddaughter and her fiancé , hosts of the event , said they 'd e - mailed invites to several people but hadn 't had any idea that so many would show up . Ha ! They ended up with 14 entrants , which translated into 14 individuals or teams who 'd dragged their families , their barbecue pits , and all of their ingredients and supplies to a backyard barbecue competition . Half a dozen of them had even set up tents . I was impressed with the judging system . Each contestant or team was provided with a numbered styrofoam box to hold their final " product . " A table was set up in the carport to hold all the entries , and everyone had to put their closed box of ribs on that table at 5 : 00 p . m . sharp . Meanwhile , at the dining table inside the house , three judges waited with numbered score sheets as the entries were delivered to them a couple at a time . No one else was allowed near the judges ' table until all the goods had been sampled and the scoring was done . The judges awarded points in each of three categories : presentation , texture , and taste . I can 't comment on presentation ( the cooks were secretive as they arranged their offerings ) , but samples were passed around all afternoon and I can attest to a wonderful variety of tastes and textures . All these cooks were working toward one prize , a simple but important one in this part of the country : braggin ' rights . And the surprised and happy winners ? My daughter and grandson , ably assisted by my son - in - law who manned the fire all afternoon . The ribs they cooked may have been the best I 've ever tasted , but I need to try them a few more times real soon to bePosted by Today was an excellent day , even though I didn 't expect it to be . When I woke up this morning , I knew this was the day I 'd have to grit my teeth and go to Wal - Mart . It 's been several weeks since I last made a major grocery shopping trip , and there was no way I could postpone it any longer . The " dogs " at the end of my legs would just have to suffer so my fur - covered dogs and I would have food . Fortunately , my older daughter gave me a gift yesterday afternoon of my first pair of Crocs . These may be the ugliest shoes I 've ever owned , but , omigod , they 're comfortable ! Usually , after buying a month 's worth of groceries and putting them away , my feet are screaming and the rest of my day is wasted . Today , my feet and legs were a little bit tired . That 's all . And they recovered after a brief rest . I realize some of you have a higher standard of fashion than plastic / rubber shoes ( not to mention any names , Rebekah ) . Rest assured , I plan to order some dressier shoes from a couple of the sites y ' all recommended . There are times when I need to look like a girly - woman and / or a professional . But I 'm gonna order more Crocs , too . I could get used to having something on my mind other than aching feet . So , the first part of my day was excellent because I got the grocery shopping done , right down to the excessive purchase of you - know - what , and I still had enough spring in my step to attend a barbecued - rib cook - off this afternoon . The cook - off was the most excellent part of the day . I 'll tell you more about it in my next post . For now , facing the cold , hard fact that I have to go back to work tomorrow , I 'll take my full belly - - and my relatively okay feet - - to bed . I will sleep well tonight . I can 't remember where I saw it , but their there was something on TV or the Internet the other day about people who are trying to change the official spelling of certain words to make the English language less complicated . I 've always bin been fascinated buy by words , in and of themselves , so this subject peeked peaked piqued my interest . I 've amused myself on numerous occasions by thinking about the inconsistencies in the weigh way words look similar on paper butt but are pronounced differently . I 've also wondered whether laziness or just lack of imagination was responsible for sew so many words that have entirely different meanings but sound exactly alike . Maybe there simply aren 't enough separate and distinct sounds to make a fresh word for each thing we need to right write or speak about . ( Yes , I know I ended a sentence with a preposition ; but that 's for another blog entry . ) Curiosity and a quick Google search lead led me to the Simplified Spelling Society . Wow ! These guys have it all laid out for us , complete with examples of unpredictable spellings and a history of how the English language ended up in this condition . The SSS people make a good case for changing words we 've learned the hard way , and the suggested spellings would no doubt be easier to learn . But what would happen to the fun ? For example , without the inconsistencies , I couldn 't have written this : " Admit it . You aren 't like them . You 're not even close . You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them , watch the same mindless television shows as they do , maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes . But it seems that the more you try to fit in , the more you feel like an outsider , watching the ' normal people ' as they go about their automatic existences . For every time you say club passwords like ' Have a nice day ' and ' Weather 's awful today , eh ? ' , you yearn inside to say forbidden things like ' Tell me something that makes you cry ' or ' What do you think deja vu is for ? ' Face it , you even want to talk to that girl in the elevator . But what if that girl in the elevator ( and the balding man who walks past your cubicle at work ) are thinking the same thing ? Who knows what you might learn from taking a chance on conversation with a stranger ? Everyone carries a piece of the puzzle . Nobody comes into your life by mere coincidence . Trust your instincts . Do the unexpected . Find the others . . . " - - Timothy Leary She cared for those trinkets as if they were cherished heirlooms , rarely displaying them in public . She stored them in protective velvet sacks , drawing them out only when she was alone or in the company of those she trusted to understand why the simple objects mattered . And as careful as she was to protect the trinkets , so she was cautious about sharing her words , and for the same reasons . LN All rights reserved . Please don 't copy text or photos without my written consent . That being said , you can link to this blog from your site anytime you want . |
I own none of the fandoms for which I am making fics of . They belong to those who created and published them . I am just playing with them . Title : The Defiant Ones Author : rivermoon1970 Fandom : Criminal Minds Artist : blythechild , the art above is an original work and is owned and copyrighted to blythechild . Do not download or share said work . For the rest of the art for this story please click on the name and it will re - direct you to the page . Summary : Finding the UnSub was easy . He wasn 't trying that hard to hide . What they weren 't expecting was the chained up pregnant man in his attic . " Go back to the hotel , Morgan . I 'll keep him company tonight . " Aaron sighed . The DNA had been rushed from the crime scene and it wasn 't until after the UnSub had been caught and blood typed that they figured out the second set of DNA on one of the bodies wasn 't from a partner , not a willing partner , when it was matched to the man Aaron was looking at . " Call if you need one of us , Hotch . " Morgan clasped his shoulder briefly but Aaron didn 't look up from the man in the bed . He was asleep on his side , curled around his very round stomach . The only survivor of a case that had taken eight months to solve . Sixteen men and woman dead , along with the UnSub . The stressor was believed to be the pregnancy of the man lying on the bed . Aaron had found him in the attic of the house after it had been cleared and the UnSub shot trying to kill Dave . He didn 't know why he felt he needed to stay with the young man . He just knew he needed to . The young man had been well cared for . PreNatals and plenty of food and water . There was no reports of a man matching his description missing in the area . Aaron grabbed the book that Dave had brought him from his go bag and settled back to read it . The young man 's room was in the maternity ward so the chair he was in was very comfortable . It took a little bit but Aaron settled down into a light sleep when he heard movement in the bed . Opening his eyes , Aaron looked at the young man and saw him looking around . The lights had been dimmed and the only light was coming from the cracked door . Aaron 's book was at the bedside and the young man reached out and picked it up . He shifted in the bed to where the light from the hall was shining on the book and started to read . Or at least Aaron thought he was reading . He flipped through the pages like he was looking for something . Aaron shifted and the young man started in the bed , turning to look , eyes wide with fear . He closed the book and shoved at it until it fell to the floor . Aaron picked up the book and set it back down on the bed . He 'd been the only one on the team to connect to the young man . He 'd sat with him at the house while Morgan had found bolt cutters to remove the chain that linked his foot to the floor . He 'd freaked when Dave had tried to ride with him to the hospital . " Hey , it 's fine . You can read the book . Just calm down . You read fast huh ? " Aaron asked . He sat down on the edge of the bed and smiled at him . " Your DNA has no match in the system . Your fingerprints have been burnt off and you won 't tell us your name . We need to know so that we can take care of you . " The young man frowned and looked at him . He stared for several minutes before he picked up the book again . He flipped to a random page and pointed at a letter . B . Aaron nodded and the young man pointed at A . When Aaron nodded a second time the man pointed at a U and then at Aaron . " BAU ? Yes . I 'm with the BAU . How did you know that ? " Aaron was shocked . It wasn 't normal for people to know that especially someone who had been locked in an attic for about five years . Aaron waited as the man flipped through the book until almost the end . He knew exactly where every single word he was looking for was at . Not only did he read fast , he had an Eidetic memory . That tickled something in his mind . A trainee that had been placed in an asylum because of a psychotic break . A doctor . The young man pointed at the word academy and then lecture . This was that young man . Gideon had found him in the academy and had tried to talk him into the BAU . A week after he 'd graduated , he 'd been put on a psych hold . He 'd ended up going home to be in the same place as his mother , Aaron had been told . Aaron waited while Spencer flipped through the book . He told a story with it . How he 'd been drugged and when the hospital was certain he was sick , an ' old friend ' stepped in and had him transferred . Only the transfer never happened , he was moved not to a sanitarium but to that house . He 'd been in that house for five years . Aaron typed out a text to Dave and sent it as he settled Spencer down in the bed . He 'd learned that the younger man didn 't seem to mind it when Aaron touched him . Spencer snuggled into his side and seemed to fall asleep quickly . Aaron stayed where he was and when a nurse checked on them she smiled . Every nurse knew that he was a special case and that he was under guard until such a time that it was determined that there wasn 't a partner or a pack involved in the killings . Dave texted back an hour later that Doctor Spencer Reid had been reported missing by his mother , Diana Reid . The Las Vegas police hadn 't looked into it as his mother was in a sanitarium and a call from his doctor had told the cops he was fine . The trace to the number showed that the doctor was the UnSub . " Thank you . I have a name for him . Spencer Reid , born here in Vegas . Mother is Diana Reid . I do not have a DOB yet . " " I wasn 't allowed to talk when I wasn 't in my room . " Spencer snuggled closer to him . His round stomach pressing into Aaron . " Don 't leave , Agent Hotchner . " A knock on the door kind of shocked Aaron . He looked up to see a older man standing there . The look of shock on his face had Aaron sitting up straighter on the bed . That drew Spencer 's gaze to the man . The younger man stiffened and then tried to get out of the bed . He wasn 't scared . That was the only thing keeping Aaron in the bed with him . " Spencer stay there . " The man moved forward and touched Spencer 's shoulder . " Oh , Diana is going to be so happy to see you . One of the officers on the case always believed your mother that you were not in the sanitarium that the doctor had put you in . When she saw you being taken out by Agent Hotchner she thought you might be Diana 's son and she called Bennington . " " Doctor Stephen Norman . I am Diana Reid 's primary doctor at Bennington . I was the one who tried to get the police to look into Spencer 's missing case but they wouldn 't believe a word of it . In their eyes she was an insane woman who couldn 't accept that her son had gone insane as well . " The doctor pulled a stack of papers from a briefcase and handed them over . " These are the letters that Spencer wrote to his mother over the years as well as all documentation of all the times that I tried to get a visit to him at his sanitarium . I have the names and the dates of the people I talked to . Who told me that Spencer was a resident there on lockdown with no visitors . I figured a case from the FBI will hold more weight than me trying to sue them . " " How about I take Spencer to visit her . He 'll be released this morning , this visit was just to make sure that he 's doing fine . The doctor gave him a clean bill of health and he 's going to be discharged . " Aaron looked down at Spencer and saw that he was nodding his head . The nurse came back in with three cups of Jell - O . One red , one green , and one blue . She set them down on the table at the bedside . She smiled at Spencer and then slipped out . " Spencer , your … " Norman looked at Aaron and then turned and shut the door . " Your father didn 't try and find you . He said something about knowing it would happen and that he was glad he left when he did . I will contact him if you would like . " Norman 's face kind of broke at that . " I 'm sorry Spencer . Yes . He lived twelve miles away . Agent Hotchner , until he can prove to the courts that he 's sane , given his pregnancy it would be best if someone took over as legal guardian so that his child is not taken from him . " Spencer shifted in the bed and looked up at him with wide eyes . " Children . " His hand moved down to his stomach and he rubbed it . He looked at Aaron . " I have children inside me ? " " No . I never left that house . A boy and a girl ? " Spencer looked so excited . He looked down at his stomach with a smile on his face . Norman caught Aaron 's eye and pointed out . Aaron nodded . Norman pulled the door shut and then the two men were alone . It was still early in the morning . Aaron had hit the point of being awake too long but too afraid to sleep . Spencer hadn 't broken down yet . " I 'm not fragile , Agent Hotchner . I was his captive but he didn 't have my mind . As long as I played along , he never hurt me . " " We crossed paths once in DC . That 's it . I knew who he was as soon as I woke up in his house instead of in an asylum . I tried to escape a lot that first year . He never broke bones but he beat me hard every single time . I 'd look into his neighbors . The one on the left , the husband and wife . I made it into their house and they played along until he came to get me . They handed me over . " " This is my third pregnancy , Agent Hotchner . The other two never got to term . I vowed that I was not going to let my child , now children , be raised in that house . I have an IQ of 187 . I can play along . Oh , I 'm sure that I 'll have issues with things down the road but right now , all I care about is keeping my children safe . Freaking out and having issues is not the way to do that . Doctor Norman is right , I need a guardian . Otherwise the state will step in and take them . " " I 'll make sure that doesn 't happen . To do that though , I 'll need to leave . Who do you want to come and sit with you ? " " JJ ? She 's really nice . She 's got a young son at home , Henry . I 'll call her . If you want to talk to me just ask her . Why don 't you eat your Jell - O and then try and take a nap . " Spencer was released that afternoon . By then Aaron had temporary guardianship of him . Calls to the Bureau as well as a few well - placed donations from Dave assured that Aaron would have custody of the children if Spencer went into labor before his mental competency wasn 't decided . What he and Dave had done had skirted the line of what was legal but there were time issues on this . Aaron watched him slowly approach the sitting room his mother was in . She was writing in a journal . Spencer stopped ten feet away from her and reached his hand back . At first Aaron thought he was reaching for Doctor Norman but when the younger man turned to him , Aaron knew that Spencer wanted him . Aaron stepped up behind him , laying a hand on the small of his back . Something alerted Diana that there were people near her because she looked up . The look of pure joy on her face at seeing Spencer was something that Aaron would never forget . It was looks like those that got him out of bed on the days that he worried that he wasn 't doing enough . She threw her journal to the floor and ran to him . Aaron was afraid she hadn 't seen how pregnant he was but when she slipped to his side to hug him , laying a hand on the swell of his stomach when she pulled back . " Agent Aaron Hotchner , Mrs . Reid . I 'm with the FBI . I was part of the team that saved your son last night . One of the local officers recognized him and called Doctor Norman . He visited us this morning . He agreed that waiting to tell you for when you could see him . We have the entire day and Doctor Norman agreed that you could go out with us to eat dinner tonight . I think that Binion 's was mentioned by Spencer . Now I 'm going to step over here with Doctor Norman . Spencer remember you need to sit as much as possible . I 'm going to push over a chair so you two can talk . " Aaron found a chair he thought would be comfortable for the pregnant man and scooted it over . Diana fussed over him and coddled him . Smiling as she did . He discussed what was needed for the trip out to eat . Dave had already secured a private dining room and the whole team was going to be there . It 's what Spencer wanted . He was happy to be around people . His OB said that he could go into labor at any point and that given his prior living arrangements that he could go into labor as soon as he felt safe . The ramification of this case was far reaching . The team was going to be staying to get to the bottom of what had happened to keep Spencer off the radar of the local cops . Strauss was having one of the teams in DC check into how Spencer had been deemed crazy . Strauss was in a turmoil because that meant that both places , the one that Spencer had been at in DC and the one where he was supposed to have gone to in Vegas were going to have to be checked . Every admission . Every person had to be rechecked . Bennington had already volunteered staff and many of the doctors volunteered time to make sure everyone who was there was supposed to be . Aaron was keeping that from Spencer for now . " I 'm glad that today is a good day for Diana . She needs this more than you understand . The anniversary of his abduction was coming up and each year that he wasn 't returned to her , broke her down . I was afraid we were going to lose her to grief . " " What are you plans ? Are you going to take him home to Virginia . I remember that he was set to join the FBI before all of this . " " He was set to join my unit . I 'm with the BAU . I remember when he was deemed insane and locked up . The Unit Chief at the time tried to fight it but the hospital he was at wouldn 't allow someone else to talk to him . Our Section Chief at the time ordered him to drop it . I 'll need to get into contact with Gideon to tell him what really happened . " " Spencer was always very bright and making the decision to place his mother here was one of the worst he 'd had to make but he did it because he was doing what was best for her . He 's not fragile , Agent Hotchner and I don 't think that this male who had him would have broken him that much . Bent him and damaged him , yes but broke ? No . " " I 'm figuring that out . I 'm going to do what he wants . Me and my team are here until we figure out how he was able to be hidden so well , that could be days it could be weeks . My Section Chief knows that I am here until he 's declared competent . After that , I don 't know what my plans are . " Aaron was asleep on the bed closest to the door in his new hotel room . He 'd changed to a double room so that Spencer wouldn 't have to be alone . Dave and Morgan were in the room next to his and JJ and Prentiss were on the other side . Anderson was currently on the team but would be bumped off if a new member was found . Anderson preferred to stay in Quantico but given that the replacement for their last member hadn 't lasted long at all , he was willing to fill in . " Spencer ? " Aaron asked as he rolled over . Spencer was sitting up in the bed when Aaron saw him . The look on his face was shock . " What 's wrong ? " Aaron jumped from his bed and grabbed his phone . He messaged JJ and Prentiss who had offered to be the ones to go with him to the hospital . Dave and Morgan were handling the case and Anderson was keeping up on processing the house . Cracking the door so the girls could get in , Aaron made his way to where Spencer was on the bed . As soon as the girls entered , they took over helping him get changed . Aaron had given over his sweat pants for the man to sleep in and he gave up another pair for him to wear to the hospital . Thankfully the t - shirt wasn 't wet . Spencer swam in it but he hadn 't felt up to shopping as being at Binion 's had taken a great deal out of him . " I told you as soon as he felt safe . " The OB smiled at them both . " Now Doctor Reid , we need to get you set up because your contractions are coming pretty close together . Do you want Agent Jareau or Hotchner to come in with you into the room ? " Time was a blur for Aaron . He felt like he hadn 't taken a breath until he helped Spencer set up in the bed in his recovery room . The OB thankfully had made sure that the children were not taken from Spencer . Their cots were set up in the room . The head nurse had balked until the OB had taken her aside and explained how he came to be pregnant and how long he 'd been captivity . When she had the full knowledge , she agreed readily that keeping the small family together was for the best . She even went as far as to make sure she was the only one attending them . JJ and Prentiss were the first to see the babies . Spencer had the girl tucked to his chest while the boy was laying on his legs . The nurse was fetching them another set of bottles . Aaron was just waiting for Spencer to crash . He knew it wasn 't going to take long . He could see the tiredness all over his body . Aaron wanted to say no . He wanted to tell her that he hadn 't done the one thing on this case he always guarded his team against . But he hadn 't . Instead he 'd gotten attached to someone that needed him and he needed as well . He couldn 't leave him or his children behind . Pulling up to his house , Aaron frowned at the cop cars all around . He wondered for a few seconds what the hell the neighbors had done but then he saw his own front door standing wide open with two cops leaving . He parked the car at the edge of the police tape and jumped out . He was ducking under the tape when a cop ambled up to him . " One , I am an FBI agent . Two , that is my house . " Aaron pulled his badge and let the cop see it before he was waved through . His stomach threatened to turn itself inside out . He stepped inside worried about what he was going to see . The first thing was a body bag . It was already zipped up . He barely held back the bile in his throat . Spencer had survived five years being held captive by a mad man only to die in Aaron 's house . " … I 'm sorry I didn 't kill him with my registered weapon but as I do have this as my address on my driver 's license and I do have a permit to carry a weapon , I don 't see how this is an issue . " It was Spencer . Aaron ran forward , seeing Spencer off to the side . He was covered in blood . Aaron saw another body bag there in the living room on the other side of the couch . " Aaron . " " I was upstairs asleep when I heard a noise . I grabbed your gun from the safe as mine is in the safe down here . The first thing that I saw was Jack sitting on the bottom of the stairs , gagged with his hands tied in front of him . I cleared the stairs and the entryway and motioned for Jack to stay where he was . That 's when I saw … " Spencer 's eyes tracked to the body bag in the living room . " Haley . She was shot through the head . I heard another noise in the living room and pulled Jack back up the stairs with me . A minute later a man entered the room and when he looked at the stairs he ran towards them . He looked up and saw me and I knew who he was . Aaron , it was the Reaper . I told him to stop and he didn 't , so I shot him . " " He 's an FBI agent , officer . Just because right now he 's behind a desk doesn 't mean a thing . He 's gone through the training , twice . If that is the Reaper in there , this case just became Federal . " Aaron was quite happy with that . He wasn 't liking that the officer didn 't believe that Spencer could have shot him or allowed him to call out to the proper people . Or even called themselves . He wondered where Spencer 's credentials were . " I know it is Aaron . A neighbor called in shots fired before I could call it in . I took care of Jack and the gunshot woke the twins up . I worried about them more than calling the cops . They broke your front door entering and Jack 's been the only thing keeping Aria quiet . Carter went right back to sleep and has stayed asleep . I … " Spencer looked at the kids and sighed . Aaron kept it together long enough for the BAU and the FBI CSU to get to his house . JJ took the kids home with her for the night . That left Aaron with Spencer to worry about . Spencer who on a good day left the house on his own when it didn 't involve the kids needing to go somewhere . It had been a year and Spencer was doing really well . He had joined the FBI and had been placed in the BAU , sort of . He worked from home on most days on cold cases and consults . He had an office inside the BAU but only came into work on really good days . Those goods days had been getting more and more . A nanny had been hired in using the settlement that the Bureau had pushed through for him from the two sanitariums who had employees that had helped cover up his kidnapping as well as a small settlement from the Las Vegas PD about not investigating a case of a missing person at all . Their weird little family had only been living in the house six months . Aaron had put up half of the money and Spencer the other half to buy the place . It was closer to Quantico than the apartment had been and it was in a quiet neighborhood . There was a backyard for the weekends that Jack visited . The little boy had taken to the twins and even Spencer really well . Haley had been upset at first , a man from a case moving in with Aaron to his small apartment with newborn twins but once she had met him and talked to him , she 'd fallen in love . It actually hadn 't been that strange to find Haley and Jack visiting when he got home from work and especially home from cases . Haley shared all her knowledge and helped Spencer as he got used to caring for the twins . Aaron and Haley 's relationship was back to where they could be civil and nice to each other . The locals were not happy about having to let go of the case but given that the house belonged to a federal agent , a federal agent shot the man , the man in question had committed crimes now in two states , and he was a wanted fugitive , there was no way for them to make a case that they could hold jurisdiction . It wasn 't hard for CSU to confirm that Haley had been killed in their old house . The doors to the house were shut when Morgan and Prentiss had arrived but not locked . There was blood everywhere . Aaron was happy that the pictures he saw were on his phone . He 'd have to see them later , in large technicolor but for now it wasn 't as bad as it could be . Haley 's sister , Jessica was outside , having arrived after the locals had called her . She wanted Jack but right now she was too emotional and she understood that Jack wasn 't being kept from her . She just needed to calm down . " Aaron , they found my credentials . In the car he transported Haley and Jack here in . Emily 's current theory is that Foyet brought in Jack or Haley and then found my credentials sitting on the stand and took them to use later . They also found Morgan 's . " Dave stepped up to them . " Jack told me that Foyet told him that he had plans to display Haley 's body for you to find in the living room . The bodies of the twins on the stairs . Reid 's body was going to be staged on the bed . Jack couldn 't remember the words that Foyet used but he said it had something to do with a dog , so I would say the term he used was doggie style . He was going to wait until you entered Jack 's room before he shot him . Jack didn 't see Haley get shot but he heard it . " " Why would he stage Reid on the bed in the master bedroom ? Anyone who looks at the house can tell that you two are not a couple . " Dave looked around and Aaron really looked at the place for the first time . The older man was right . There was a definite segregation to everything in the house . Spencer 's things were gathered around a oversized reading chair in a corner while Aaron 's was scattered on the mantle . Pictures of the kids were everywhere . Aaron even thought about the bathrooms on the second floor . Aaron used the one off the master bedroom while Spencer and Jack shared one . There was nothing of Spencer 's in Aaron 's bathroom and nothing of Aaron 's in the younger man 's . It was also easy to tell that Aaron slept alone . Spencer only had a twin mattress in his room as he wanted the space for books . Dave looked at Spencer and then back at Aaron with a raised eyebrow and it was then that he got it . Foyet had been watching him . He 'd seen what the rest of the team saw . He was pretty sure he 'd been in love with the shy genius since the moment that Spencer had held Aria in the hospital . He never regretted having the man move in with him . Spencer wasn 't ready for a relationship , Aaron wasn 't sure he ever would be . When Aaron had brought up buying a house since the twins were getting bigger and would need a room to themselves soon , Spencer had talked about buying a house on his own . Aaron hadn 't wanted him to go but it was Jack who had pressed the issue . The genius had brought up where he 'd want to live . Jack had been distraught . It had been a weekend that Jack had been over and when Spencer had brought out the papers he 'd compiled on places to move into . Jack had cried . He didn 't want the twins to move away . Neither adult had known what to do with a crying Jack . Then Aaron had come home from a case and found Haley , Jack , and Spencer in the apartment looking at papers . The twins were with Jessica so that the three of them could pick a house for Aaron , Spencer , and the twins to move into that had enough room for Jack and a guest room . It ended with him and Spencer putting in a bid on a nice house . Haley knew him well enough that all the houses they had picked out were perfect for him . Spencer and Jack had been the deciding factors . The final decision had come when Spencer had looked in the attic and seen that it had been set up as a library at one point in time . Aaron looked at him . Dave was very private and for him to open up his house for even a short time meant that he was worried . Looking at Spencer , Aaron could see why . Spencer looked close to breaking . " It 's going to take CSU a while to clear the house and we don 't need to be here for it . Jack needs me . The twins need you . If you want we 'll stay in a hotel . " " You 'll have Dave and Jessica , Spencer . " Aaron touched his face to pull his gaze back to him . " It 'll only be a short while . " I 'm going with you to get the kids , Aaron . " Spencer 's voice was hard and the look in his eyes told Aaron that he wasn 't going to win . He 'd just get in his car and drive himself . Spencer was a stubborn man . He nodded his consent and Spencer finally relaxed . Aaron caught Dave 's eye and motioned that they should leave . The other agents had it well in hand . That night at Dave 's Aaron was almost fully asleep when he heard his bedroom door open . He rolled over and saw Spencer carrying Jack in his arms . The little boy was sobbing . Aaron sat up and as soon as the younger man neared him , Jack jumped from his arms . Jack had wanted to sleep in the room with the twins in the pack ' n play that JJ had let them borrow as theirs was evidence for now . Aaron shifted over in the bed and made room for Spencer to lay down . Other than the kids , Spencer hadn 't slept in the same bed as someone since he 'd been freed from his kidnapper and even then that man rarely slept in bed with him . The genius laid down , under the covers and Jack shifted to where he was off his dad and on the bed , Touching the both of them . There was a baby monitor on the nightstand , Aaron wondered why he hadn 't heard Jack crying . Spencer shifted on the bed and he could see why , Spencer 's eyes were wide open . He 'd been in the room with the kids . He 'd probably shut off the monitor so that Aaron couldn 't get woken up . " Closer , Pence , " Jack begged as he tucked himself tighter into Aaron . Spencer shifted closer but it left him with nowhere to put his arm . Aaron reached over and pulled it to lay on his hip , overtop of Jack . Aaron draped one of his arms across the tops of the pillows and started to rub at Spencer 's head . Aaron snapped his eyes open and looked at Spencer . The younger man was just staring at him . He knew that he shouldn 't have been as surprised as he was . " Yes . I never … we didn 't expect him to go after me like this . It doesn 't fit the profile we have for him . Of course , we don 't know what he would have done if the detective on the original case had turned down his deal but this … We never suspected this . " " I don 't know . That 's a worry for another day . " Aaron moved his hand from head to cheek , slipping it between skin and pillow . " Is this okay ? " " I 'd tell you if it wasn 't . Don 't worry , Aaron . I can make it clear what I want and don 't want . I don 't know how I would be if Jack wasn 't in this bed . I care for you and I don 't know how far that caring goes . I can see myself with you , in a sexual way but I don 't know how long it 's going to be before I feel like I can do sex . " " My therapist has been asking me to broach this with you . Either as asking you how you feel , I 've not told her that I know how you felt or as finding someone to help me . Immersion therapy , as it were . I 'd rather it be you . " " I 'm fairly certain . I wasn 't even going to bring up anything until you were more settled . I never want to hurt you . You are so strong . I don 't know if I would have survived living like that for five years . " " My therapist had been a little worried about reactions with the kids as they grew older . I told her that I don 't see the man who took me as their father . Sperm donor yes , but father . That 's you . You love them so much . How can I not care for someone who has done so much to make me feel safe ? I 'm grateful for what you have done but I 'm not equating that with love . " " I 'm glad but we need sleep . We can talk about all of this later . I know you haven 't slept any . " Aaron started to rub at Spencer 's head again , knowing from nightmares it would put him to sleep quickly . Spencer hummed and shut his eyes . curling tighter around Jack and letting his body relax . Only when he was sure that both his guys were asleep did he let himself finally nod off . 00Q Reverse Big Bang ! Art and Stories for all things 00Q , since 2014Criminal Minds BangThe home of the Criminal Minds Bang and Reverse Bang ! Site TitleRough Trade # GFYWrote Hard and Put Up Wet . charliesdragonRamblings of a mad woman . . . 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Among many other things " Horse to Banbury Cross " is an anachronism . It , among other things , came on the Tomato Boat and / or kathkin 's theory that Merlin takes place after the apocalypse and society has just devolved but still has tomatoes . Take your pick . There were voices in the hall again . Laughter . Arthur pressed his ear to the door to try and catch more of what was being said , but the voices were too far away , footsteps clacking farther away until they were gone again . Arthur had slept in , as he normally did , because there wasn 't anything worth getting up for . It was easier to just sleep until he couldn 't anymore . He 'd woken up feeling like his head was too full of sleep and so then he 'd have to get up and move around to shake it out and make room for new sleep . He 'd been having the same dream he normally did - of walls and books and snatches of voices in the hall , but he didn 't worry about it . What else was there to dream about ? He woke up to the smell of straw ( itchy and constant ) linen - musky and familiar , and the chamber pot in the corner - acrid and foul . First meal was on the floor . It was on the same tray it was always on - a flimsy wooden thing that slipped through the iron slot in the door easily . got up . He walked two paces to retrieve it . He sat at his small table . He ate . Alone . He used to … but now he ate alone . One chair . One small table . One tiny bed . The maid , when she comes , will not talk to him . She will knock on the door . Arthur will slide his chamber pot , his bed linens , his dirty , smelly clothing through the slot . They come once every three sleeps with clean linens , a clean chamber pot , clean clothing and leave Arthur to put the linens on the bed ( square and neat as he always has ) , the clothing on his body , and the chamber pot in its customary corner , all just as his brother taught him . Sometimes they would slide a bucket of cold water , a brush and a cloth under the slot , and he will scrub himself raw and aching , then scrub the floors spotless , and then slide the dirty water back under the door . He no longer stares at the water and remembers how they used to play . He just takes off his clothing and rubs himself clean , head bent , having to reach his back by himself . There 's nothing he can do about his hair . It is greasy , heavy and tangled down his back . He uses it as a pillow sometimes . The only other thing to look forward to is the talking in the halls . Sometimes he hears people in the halls . They talk . People forgot about him . He presses himself to - - - His brother had called the people outside their door " ghosts . " Arthur hadn 't realized they were other people - people like him and his brother , until he was much older , and in his head he kept calling them ghosts , because they weren 't real . Not like he was , with elbows he could feel and the hair heavy and dragging down his back . Not the way his brother was - grunting in exertion as they did push ups and sweated and stank and scrubbing Arthur 's back for him when the wash - bucket came . They 'd listened for the ghosts - it had been one of their main past - times , stomachs down on the floor and listening to the hole at the bottom of their door for voices . They 'd caught snatches and bits : catching up sentences and acting out the scenes they thought they heard . Marching like guards , or weeping like prisoners . They 'd often played guard and prisoner , or knight and horse ( Arthur had made his brother be the horse ) . The only thing his brother couldn 't make into a game was his Majesty 's visits . He 'd put his hands on Arthur 's shoulders and hold tight , comforting , and then when his Majesty was finished he held Arthur in the corner . When it was Arthur 's birthday , Arthur 's brother was chained to the wall and had to watch as Arthur got his birthday presents , shouting and trying to help him . Arthur never blamed his brother for anything , he was a viable part of Arthur , as if he 'd been cleaved off him like an arm , and fashioned into another , bigger , person . " I 'm sorry , " Arthur 's brother would whisper in the dark after his Majesty was done with him , " I 'm so , so sorry . " " Sing , " Arthur would command , head on his brother 's chest and his brother would take a deep breath : " Ride a cock horse to Banbury cross … " Sometimes Arthur missed him so much he didn 't even bother getting up all day . One day , after he 'd eaten and he 'd done all the sit - ups he could manage in any direction , and all the leg - lifts he could stand , he 'd heard something outside his door . He 'd pushed himself up and crawled to door , pressing his ear to the iron slat . He heard someone walking , talking to himself - a low murmur . Arthur leaned closer until he got a crick in his back trying to listen , to identify the voice . It was a new voice - none of the usual suspects - a low , male voice . The man was tall , because his voice was higher up than his Majesty , Arthur would guess . Uneducated , as he sounded more like the servants than his Majesty . Thin , judging from the way his voice resonated , but Arthur wasn 't wholly sure . " Bloody bleeding voice in the middle of the night got . . . " The voice trucked along and continued down the hall . The night ? Was it night ? Arthur didn 't know the concepts between night and day . He 'd heard about them , stumbled over the words , but he knew night was when the guards started gambling - when people hushed and snuck down here to have sex in the torchlight . The day was when his Majesty could sometimes come and tell Arthur he deserved to die . The man was going towards The Dragon . The Dragon was the only thing down the hall from Arthur 's cell , as far as Arthur knew . Sometimes he could hear The Dragon roar or rage when it is displeased by something . Arthur was always aware of The Dragon . He could feel the slow steady scratch of it digging , he sometimes felt the walls tremble and he had no idea what it was doing . It never talks to him though , so they sit in the dark in mutual silence . Save for that day , that day The Dragon talked . Arthur could hear it talk : a booming , giant voice that made him shrink in on himself . He couldn 't hear what The Dragon was saying , but the creature 's voice was expansive and commanding - a voice that did things rather than asking . Arthur let the iron slat clang back down and sat next to the door . The man was talking to the Dragon . No one talked to The Dragon . No one . Just lik - - - Uther does not want to admit it ; he 's gotten so good at not admitting it that he has very nearly fooled himself - it 's been twenty - one years , after all , he 's had plenty of time to trick himself into believing his version of reality . He thinks that Igraine was perfect : the singular gorgeous being of his dreams . That their love was the strongest , purest form of human affection . That Arthur was born naturally , that he merely asked for a bit of help from Nimueh , not a miracle . He thinks he asked for a blessing , to show that he had nothing against the human members of the magical populous - just the monsters . He didn 't know what he was asking for , he thinks , he thinks Nimueh didn 't warn him . He remembers clearly putting his hands to his wife 's belly and kissing the swollen flesh , feeling for the fresh kicks of his baby boy . Of his beautiful , strong , unstoppable heir , to lead his kingdom into further glory . He thinks he was betrayed , that Nimueh made Arthur a demon who sucked the life from his wife . He thinks that this is how he knew all magic users were monsters . That he had to kill all of them - even the ones that looked human . He got rid of his son , but was too in love with his wife - his beautiful , perfect wife , to have her baby slain with the rest of the monsters in the courtyard , thrown into the pyre still living , gagged and bound , tossed like kindling as smoke rose thick and black . He watched the fires , of course , as his almost - would - be - son was nursed by a stranger 's breast and not his mother 's . He thinks he 's being merciful when he entombs Arthur down below , he thinks he is doing a kindness . He has been cursed , what should have been a healthy , normal human boy was a golden - eyed , ruddy - faced worm . He should have been thrown on the fire before he could gain power , but Uther could not dishonor Igraine that way . Her body was enshrined and it is far away from where Arthur is left , squalling . If he lives then Uther might redeem him . If not then it is fate . The truth ? Igraine was nothing more than an excu - - - Merlin came back every day between first and second meal . He couldn 't ever stay long , but he always came . Arthur would sit close to his side of the door and press his palms against the cold iron . He listened to Merlin describe his day . Arthur didn 't know why Merlin kept visiting him . Arthur could barely croak out five words in a conversation , and he really wasn 't worth talking to , but Merlin came anyways . Never predictably . Arthur would go through his routine and at some point he 'd hear the soft pad of leather shoes and he 'd stop what he was doing to press against the door , hoping it was Merlin . Sometimes it was not and he 'd back away , returning to his exercises , or lightly dozing , or eating , or staring up at the dark with his trousers off and remembering how Merlin 's hand felt around his own . He kept the hand Merlin had shook fisted tightly on his chest , his other rubbing himself . That was different then when he normally did it , and better , because at some point he realized he could imagine Merlin 's hand touching him other places like … like his neck , or his hair or … or … anywhere . Obviously two men couldn 't do anything , that would be silly , but he liked the idea of Merlin being around . Of having a room with Merlin and touching himself in a fort with Merlin on the other side . He felt on fire , and he jerked off far more than he normally did , and it was only the fact that it hurt when he tried too many times in one day that stopped him from doing little else . At first Arthur had his reservations , not knowing what Merlin wanted with him of all people ( surely there were more interesting people for Merlin to talk to ? Out there ? ) , but Merlin kept coming and kept just . . . talking . To him . And so Arthur would listen , even if the words made no sense , he 'd listen to the way Merlin 's tongue clicked . Merlin talked about an endless arrangement of things , things about what he did for Gaius , about what the weather was like ( Arthur had no concept of rain , and the idea that water fell from above made him try pouring his wat - - - Arthur still talked to his brother ; sometimes he forgot he was gone , and sometime he thought if he talked enough then his brother would find his way back to him . He sat on the edge of his bed , slouching and with his hands hanging between his knees , and he 'd talk . He was still waiting for his brother 's hand on the back of his neck , even though it never came . He told his brother about Merlin , imagining the slick tear of his brother chewing on his nails , the click of his teeth as he tugged at loose skin on the cuticles , the fidgeting brush of fabric as he moved . Sometimes Arthur still found nail clippings - sharp , hard things that he swept into a pile by the door . Sometimes he got rid of them in the chamberpot , because he worried they 'd keep growing and they 'd impale and kill him , or there would just keep being more and he 'd drown in the sharp , painful jabs of his room filled with his brother 's nail clippings . They 'd joked about it , shoving each other , just as they joked about shit and piss and vomit , snot and farts , sweat and sneezes , and later come , joked about every weird thing their bodies did until it was just … normal . Now Arthur was worried . He was worried about a lot of things , because his brother used to be here , and now he was not , and he might had died , and he might have gotten lost in the shadows , or this might be the longest game of hide - and - seek they 've ever played . Arthur doesn 't really know . " His name is Merlin , " Arthur said , but if his brother has been listening , he would know that . " He wants to get me out of here . " And his brother would know that too . " Please come back . I need you . " His brother knows that too - and either he didn 't care , or couldn 't do anything about it - but in Arthur 's head there is no distinction . Then , suddenly , someone else visited , and it was not a good visit . Merlin 's visits were precious things , the maid 's visits were routine things , but his Majesty 's visits were to be feared , now that he had to face them alone . Arthur had been sitting on bed , rubbing Merlin 's scarf with his palm , like he would if the mouse would sit with him long enough . He was feeling good , Merlin had stopped by shortly after first meal and given Arthur a small apple , which Arthur had eaten - core and all . He hadn 't been able to stay long , but Arthur could still taste fruit on his lips . His mouse had crept out and gleefully run off with a rind of waxy cheese after letting Arthur waggle a finger between its ears . He was coming down from a fierce bought of exercise , and wondering if he wanted to take a nap or maybe jerk off a bit , then close his eyes and faithfully recount the day to his brother , who maybe would have forgiven Arthur by now and let Arthur tell him about his day . He didn 't think his brother would trust Merlin . He would say Merlin was too good to be true , that he was a trap . His brother had often worried about these things , since he was older and had seen things . Arthur just wanted a friend . He didn 't see what was bad about friends . He 'd had to make up all his friends . Then his heart quickened in his chest and he sat up , quickly gathering his prizes . Arthur recognized the jangle and clank of his Majesty 's walking , a sound that was his earliest memory and burned into his mind from repetition . Though his Majesty had not visited for so long Arthur had expected he 'd been forgotten , he was there now . Arthur quietly scrambled to hide the things away ; as long as the things were hidden it would be fine . his Majesty didn 't need to know about Merlin . No one needed to know about Merlin . Arthur needed to protect Merlin . Satisfied that the scarf , snake , candle and kindling kit were hidden he knelt in the place he always knelt , so much so his knees had worn dents in the stone , and bent his head . The door would not open , oChapter 2 What happened after the Hidden Prince collapsed was something that was never wholly agreed upon . Everyone saw him go down just as the King was dragging him out of the castle and onto the steps . Everyone , actually , had seen a man faint - technically no one had known who he was to begin with , they had just seen the King dragging a scruffy , dirty , matted - hair wreck of a man out into the light . Yes , that is what happened . Everyone had turned to see what their King had called them to the courtyard for , packed tight and barely breathing room , farms lay empty , sheep tended by shifty - eyed children , shops unminded and thieves not touching the spoils because they were hanging around waiting to see what the King wanted them to see . The guards had walked the streets making sure everyone had come to see the King 's announcement ( though most people did anyways , since well … it was something to do ) and what they saw was man so pale the sunlight pierced through him like the finest linen . The King had yanked him out in the daylight and the man had come out , blocking his face and cringing , before his head snapped left , staring at something , and he blinked and collapsed into a pile of rat - nest hair and limbs . The whipping post was already set up and waiting , tall and rough , a heavy ring drilled into the old , aged wood , manacles dangling down , rusty and thick . The King beckoned two guards over , but only one was needed to hoist up the unconscious man and harshly lock his wrists into the cuffs . He hung limp in them , a little rag of a thing , musky and old . The King marched forward , declaring : " Here is the so - called savior of magic , here is the man your stories tell you will fill my kingdom with sorcery . Let me tell you that I will not stand for magic in my kingdom , and I will seek it out and destroy it . I will not stop until every drop of sorcerous blood is purged and burned . " Some people - people who were closer to the platform , said he repeated his last statement , that he stared at the man on the whipping post and that it wasn 't h - - - Arthur woke up cosseted by soft things , soft , plush things . He felt as if he were sleeping on a . . . he didn 't know , but he was so comfortable he never wanted to move again . He blearily looked around . His back felt oddly cool and numb , but the rest of him felt . . . felt sort of . . . soggy ? Without being wet . He was limp and comfortable like a wet rag , and warm , so very warm and comfortable and drowsy . He wished he could float away , pick himself up and pass through the stone ceiling and up and up until he reached the sky that Merlin kept explaining to him , until he sank into the blue and fizzled away . Yeah , he wouldn 't mind if all he was was blue . . . might be nice . . . This was not his room . It was not pitch dark like his room . His room was dark , his room was dark all the time . It was not musky like his room . It was not small like his room . It was not familiar like his room . This was not his room . It wasn 't completely light either . His eyes still hurt , but the sunlight was filtered through heavy cloth , just barely teasing through the sides . A fresh breeze carried scents , but not so many that he was overwhelmed . And this was not his bed . These were not his linens . That was most certainly not his pillow , or his blanket . This was not his mattress , those were not his floorboards , and none of these walls were his walls , not one of them . He clutched the blanket , different , soft , and warm . Strange . Had his brother saved him ? Had he forgiven him ? He was not in his clothing . This was not his clothing . He knew his clothing and this was not it . His clothing itched and this . . . was soft . He wasn 't even sure he was in his body . He felt … he felt strange . His back hurt . His back didn 't normally hurt like this . He felt … he didn 't know . He 'd been sleeping on his front . He never slept on his front . He could never find a good angle for his neck without smothering himself . He was alone but the door was pointedly open . Not fully open , just cracked enough for him to note that it wasn 't locked . The door was open , it was wood , wood , and it was open - - - Arthur felt well enough to walk around a bit the next day , though not much as he would normally . When he tried the muscles of his back curled and tightened in distaste and the hurt latched into his spine like spiders . It wasn 't his hurt . He didn 't mind the pain , it was at least mildly familiar and it felt deserved . It was the last words his Majesty had had with him , as if his Majesty knew what was happening and scratched his displeasure into the meat of Arthur 's back . It hurt , but he was used to hurt . He could shuffle around a bit and he took advantage of it , when it was dark and felt more comfortable . He was good with pain , like how Merlin was good with words . He washed up , patting around his face and feeling it bereft of beard for the first time since he was much , much younger . He 'd been frightened when his face had first started growing fur - his chest , under his arms , his crotch , his legs , and his arms his cheeks and chin - thinking that it must mean he 'd turned into an animal . And while eventually the other fur had stopped , the stuff on his head and his face just kept going and he hadn 't known what to do . He had some stubble , but the tangled growth of hair was gone . The mat atop his head had been snipped off , and he was left with a short fuzz that prickled against his palms . He felt lighter , save for the dragging , aching pain in his back . He sat down and watched his mouse limp around the large glass bowl filled with wood chips . It didn 't seem inclined to move much and just went to get water and nibble at seed and gnaw on a stick someone had gotten it . It seemed fond of its stick . Arthur looked at the door . There were no voices in the hall , but he heard people snoring . He peeked out . Still no one . He swung the door open and shut quietly , bouncing it between his hands . He watched it as it moved on leather straps . He could leave if he wanted . There was no one in the hall . He could step out a little . He could look down both ends of the hallway . No one was there . He closed the door , not shut , but just - - - Arthur woke up slow and muggy to voices . He often woke to voices . These days it was usually the guards as they trumped past , pacing to stay awake . He wanted to get up and listen , to take their words and run them around in his head . He started to push himself up , but a hand went to his temple and began stroking over his scalp in a tingly - pleasant way and he flopped back down . Touch was more important than words . " - was fine , " Merlin murmured . " Yes , that 's all well and good , but did you think about how maybe that you were still sick ? Look at you , you 're ready to pass out again right now . " " It 's really not that bad . " The female voice huffed and Arthur 's head spun with how many people he 'd met in the short time he 'd been in this room , and now there was one touching his head , and another talking , and Gwen was around somewhere , and . . . He leaned over to see how his mouse was doing . It was hiding in a carved out block of wood . It 's home was also a bit bigger than it had been last time , going from a few hands breadth to the length of Arthur 's arms , lined with woodchips and seeds that were scattered gently inside . " And don 't you dare think I haven 't noticed you 're still using magic . You 're going to make yourself ill for days at this rate . " " I can 't not use it . I get antsy . So I do magic . It 's fine . It 's like . . . stretching . I 'm just stretching a little . " " Oh and what about your carving ? " " I get bored ! " The woman huffed and Arthur looked up at her . She gave him a once over and huffed again , " He 's been working on the mouse home , as you can see . Also , you shouldn 't have let him get out of bed . After he went to get you he couldn 't even move . " " Morgana ! " " Merlin , he 's like a child . Someone needs to tell him what 's acceptable and what 's not . I feel bad for him , of course I do , but you 're sick . I know what it 's like to overextend yourself . " " And if I remember correctly you didn 't take time to rest either . " Morgana , as Merlin had called her , cupped Merlin 's face gently , " we worry about you . I 'm very happy we finally rescued Arthu - - - Arthur learned not only to say " please " when he wanted something , but also that he was allowed to want things . He could ask for something he desired ; he could ask for company , for food , for more blankets . He could ask Merlin to stay while Arthur did his exercises . He could have milk , he could have pie , and he could have hot stew and fresh fruit . He could have spring water and the smell of grass . He could talk with Gwen or learn from Morgana , he could ask for shoes , he could ask about the weather , he could . . . he could ask for things : as long as he said please . And when he got them , he learned to say thank you , and he learned that he could get things . He could receive things just because he asked for them . Sometimes someone said no , and he nodded and didn 't ask again . He always said thank you anyways , because they had listened . He learned that if he wanted his linens cleaned he had to fold them up himself and put them outside the door , not just through a slot , but that was fine . If he wanted his room clean he 'd have to do it himself , but he was used to that . It took awhile for his back to heal enough for him to sweat and not have it sting , but when it did Morgana and Gwen showed up with a bucket of soapy water and demonstrated how to scrub his floor clean - properly clean , not just how he 'd been doing it . They showed him how to empty his chamber pot into the slosh bucket and scrub it out for himself - that was new . They showed him how to flip his mattress ( apparently that was important ) and change his sheets . They showed him how to shine his boots and mend his clothing . Of course , he knew how to do all these things . His brother had shown him , but he hadn 't cared for a while . Merlin carefully showed him how to shave and Arthur cut himself plenty , but Merlin washed his face , and dabbed his wounds and Arthur kept on trying . He didn 't mind . It gave him something to do : he exercised , he shaved , he cleaned and he practiced sewing . He had his first pair of boots - they 'd measured his feet and everything - and he shined t - - - Arthur could still only look out the window at night , and even then he did so warily , building up to it , keeping the treat away from himself because it was a punishment as much as it was a reward . When he did look , he didn 't just glance , he stared , he stared viciously , keeping the curtains open and curling around a sleeping Merlin to stare . Merlin tended to sleep during the night , but that was fine , Merlin needed sleep and Arthur liked that there was another person in his room , but he didn 't need to do anything about it . When Merlin was asleep he didn 't need to worry about what he was supposed to do with his hands , or about the unfamiliar topography of language . He could touch Merlin then , with hesitant , unsure gestures that he never made when Merlin was awake because he might do it wrong . Merlin was probably an expert on touch , he probably had tens of people touch him daily . He probably knew the texture of other people 's hands , like how he knew language while Arthur was left stumbling in the syllables . Like Arthur had known the confines of his room . Arthur wanted to learn all the thing Merlin knew , he wanted to know . So he would card his fingers through Merlin 's hair , slowly , carefully , as Merlin hummed deeper into sleep . The mouse also faced the window . It crouched on its hide legs and sniffed at the ocean air that curled in . Maybe the mouse had never seen the stars either , Arthur thought , maybe it had never smelled the ocean . Maybe the mouse was struggling to think of how to understand too . Arthur sat at the end of the bed and gazed out , watching the subtle motions of life , the ripples of water and the crunch of sand and the waving of grass , and his mouse stared with him . He wondered if his brother had seen the stars before he went in the dark with Arthur . He must have , he 'd tried to describe … things … but by the time Arthur understood , his brother had been down with him too long and hadn 't known what to say . He wondered what they felt like . He dragged his eyes over them , but distance denied detail - - - When Arthur was younger - back when he had no hair under his arms at all - he and his brother had passed a story back and forth between them about a wizard . They knew his Majesty hated magic , and that magic was powerful - powerful enough to protect them - and they 'd heard of another execution . So they made up a wizard who was strong , so strong that he couldn 't be executed . They 'd try and burn him and he 'd defeat the fire with his powers , and they would try and use ever stronger fire , but he 'd have powers that couldn 't be defeated by anything ever . End of story . And he 'd be able to fix Arthur , and take them out into the light , away from his Majesty , and Arthur and his brother would be safe . They invented him , between them , so that he could make stone crack , and make dead people not - dead , and ride around on dragons , and be able to out - shout his Majesty and protect them from anything and tell stories . He 'd be able to fly , and dig and swim and do all the things in stories and more , and he 'd have tens and tens of friends , and when he rescued them he would let his friends be their friends . " Do you think he 'll bring mother back to life ? ' Arthur would ask , because he 'd always been able to speak better around his brother . Even if he used the wrong words they were the right ones . " Of course he would . He can do anything , " His brother had said , holding on to Arthur , " he 'll take us out of here and we 'll do all the things everyone else does , and we 'll have a room that we can open the door of , and everything will be soft and we can each have a fort . " Arthur had wanted it so badly he 'd almost cried , but he hadn 't . They 'd told that story to one another loads of times , making it bigger and bigger and bigger until it passed the room and sank into the walls . Then Arthur 's birthday came and he didn 't want to hear about any stupid stories , and his brother had held him and apologized for not being able to save him . And Arthur had hid in his fort and had not wanted to hear it again . His brot - - - They were talking downstairs . He could hear them . He didn 't even need to press up against his door , because his door was open and their voices filtered up from down the stairs . They were talking about things that he had no idea about , and would likely never have any idea about if he stayed in his room . Arthur leaned on the threshold and crossed his arms . Merlin was down there with them , as was Gwen and Morgana , because Morgana said Merlin needed to interact with people besides Arthur , too , and Arthur could come with , and a whole bunch of other things , and so Arthur was left on his own for second meal . And it wasn 't like Arthur didn 't know . It wasn 't like he was under the impression that staying in his room was good . It wasn 't like he didn 't want to leave . He knew he couldn 't just . . . hide away in here . He couldn 't . . . he couldn 't just . . . He should want to see the sun and the sky and things in the daylight . He should want to run around on the beach and rip up hunks of grass and he should . . . he should be able to leave his room and go wherever Merlin went . He stood straight and urged his feet to move forward . He glowered at them , but they were resolute . He took a few deep breaths and closed his eyes . He took one step into the hall , got dizzy . He tried to scramble back into the room , but the next thing he understood was that he was falling . He wasn 't out for long ; Merlin must have heard the thump of his head hitting the floor , stumbled up the stairs and pulled him back into the room . Merlin looked green , flushed and pale all at once and Arthur wasn 't certain that anything like that should actually occur . Arthur shut the door with his foot , flailing to settle himself down , because it was fine … he was fine , no … wait … and gasped for air , staring at the firmly shut door . He didn 't know what he needed . Arthur pushed Merlin away and shook his head . Merlin backed away slowly and crouched a few feet away and Arthur didn 't know what he wanted . He just knew that he didn 't deserve to leave the room , because he was stChapter 3 : 8x12x8 Part 3 of 6 Gwen woke up as she normally did , to the sun shining in her face , and Morgana 's face pressed to her neck , and not a pillow anywhere near her . Morgana tended to steal all the pillows and still end up using Gwen 's shoulder for one instead . Gwen yawned , gave Morgan a good - morning back scratch and rolled out of bed . Morgana mumbled , curled up and over and smashed her face into one of Gwen 's pillows . For the smell . Gwen smiled at her before she began getting dressed . She and Morgana had switched to trousers and tunics after a fortnight of living in exile , because Merlin hardly cared and Lancelot just had to accept the fact that women had limbs . It was far simpler and more practical then sweeping around in gowns and petticoats and stays and what not . Hunith stayed in her skirts ; she 'd grown too used to them to change , one light fluid skirt , and a second over it that was tucked into her belt , so she could carry things and the like . Gwen slid the knife from under the bed into her boot and then knotted up her hair . It was too curly to braid like Morgana 's , so they settled for keeping it back and out of the way . Now that Merlin was weakened they all needed to be on their guard . It was much easier to be armed and go about their chores in trousers . Morgana took a special delight in it - riding and running and climbing trees like she 'd always wanted , her hair coiled tightly in a braid . It was only Hunith 's insistence that they might one day need Morgana to take on the appearance of a lady that kept her from chopping it all off , though Gwen thought perhaps Morgana did have some residual vanity for her looks , even if she would sacrifice it for better mobility and freedom from having to brush so often . Gwen joined Hunith in the kitchen , inhaling the thick and yeasty smell of fresh bread . Hunith handed her a platter , " Here 's Arthur 's dinner , dear . " They had noted that Arthur was generally only active during the night , and even then he 'd shuffle around for a length , stop , be silent for another length , and then get up aChapter 4 : 8x12x8 Part 4 of 6 There is something that no one understands , something he thinks no one could even begin to understand no matter how many times Uther tries to restate it in his head - he could never get the wording right for his imaginary audience . In plenty of stories the hero did horrible things for the sake of love - why was he different ? Why is his kingdom cursed ? Wasn 't that wretched sorcerer doing this to his people , to him because he loved the monster inside what could have been his son ? He , he and a hundred others , had commented on Igraine 's beauty , had wished to plunge their hands into the fall of gold hair ( not gold , nothing so tamable . Rather , it was the color of victory ) , had traced her lips with their eyes , had longed to be her first and only , to kiss up bare legs and spread their hands over her belly , longing to save her neckline that was plunging to it 's demise , only to dive back in . They wanted to fill her up and leave her bursting . Her eyes were quick , intense , always looking at things in painful , shuddering detail , at him , and that , perhaps , was why he first loved her . She could look at him and rip him to pieces with the simple act of gazing at him , a gaze that said I am beyond any of your capabilities . He did not compare her to flowers after that , he wouldn 't compare her to anything , really , except he couldn 't help it . He tried to explain to his comrades ( back when he had comrades , when Glorios was alive and not twisting in his grave because his daughter had turned into a filthy whore and seer . ) Flowers wilted and she did not . And it was not just that . . . that sword point intensity , though he loved that about her in particular . It had been one of his favorite facets of he right up until she 'd lay bleeding and weak and begging and … he remembered their wedding night more clearly . How she had sat up proudly on their nuptial bed , staring at him , challenging . Not passive , and there , there maybe was why he fell in love . That smile , that real , glittering smile , that invitation to be flayed open by her look . FoNotes : Arthur caught the very edge of his brother in a dream and he wrapped that around himself . They found him there . - - - " You 're going to need to lie to him , " Morgana eventually said , after another day passed where Arthur talked to himself in a low muttering , hiding in the closet and never opening his eyes . They 'd tried shaking him out of it . Tried letting him sleep it off . They tried fitting into his delusion , but none of it worked . Arthur wasn 't listening , and even holding him down didn 't work , because he just wrestled with vague eyes and asked his brother to let him up , looking over Lancelot 's shoulder . He didn 't want to be free right then . Right then all he wanted was to go back into the dark and hide there . Merlin watched as Arthur in a curl , under the blanket Merlin had thrown over him . Arthur didn 't even notice Merlin or Morgana , just as he hadn 't for the last five days , and wouldn 't for the next five , or the next , or the next , and Merlin thought he should have just left Arthur down in that hold and given him the delusion of his brother back . Arthur would have been happier . But … this wasn 't about happier . But the Dragon had said Arthur needed to be sane ( ish ) and alive in order to unite the people . And Merlin hadn 't been able to leave that young , scared voice behind the door . He couldn 't do that . He should have … He should have just given Arthur back his brother . " What do you want me to do ? " " Give him his brother back , " Morgana said , rubbing his shoulders . Her fingers were strong and every muscle in his body ached , ached and she helped . " It 's the only thing he 'll care about , now . I told you not to tell him . " " I had to tell him , Morgana he wasn 't … he thought he was a monster , and he 's not . What was I going to do ? " Merlin looked at Arthur , " I don 't like lying . " " Also you 're rubbish at it . " She drops her hands and both turn to look at him awhile - Arthur looks like a little kid , only without the grinning . Arthur 's face is as lax and inexpressive as it has bChapter 6 : 8x12x8 Part 6 of 6 It wasn 't hard to find people who knew the sorcerer who took his son , he was a flashy man who didn 't - it seemed - to have an ounce of self - preservation considering he did nothing to hide the fact he was magic from the peasants . Everyone knew him , everyone knew where he was , everyone had some mark that he 'd been in their lives : clean skin , straight teeth , healthy babies , warm houses , plentiful fields . Uther had to pretend , which was easy enough with the boils and marks over his skin from the curse , that he needed the sorcerer 's aid . He would have liked to slay the entire village , but … he needed to focus . He lived in a tower by the sea , where he , his wretched mother , a rogue swordsman , and … the former Lady Morgana , whom Uther had tried to protect in the name of her father , but somewhere she had turned to the disgusting so - called solace of sorcery . Sorcery that had stolen his wife , twisted his son , captured his ward , killed his men . . . No more . No more . He would kill this sorcerer , end the spell and show his people . . . his people . . . . he would . . . it didn 't matter . It didn 't matter , he would just kill that boy and that 's all he had to worry about . Kill the boy , drag Arthur back to where he belonged , either execute Morgana or put her in a cell too , depending on how far gone she was and how repentant . Everyone else , of course , would have to die - it was only right , it was only just . All who used magic were too crippled in their minds , too animalistic and wild to be considered human . They should be killed . They should all be killed . He rode toward the tower on his horse , gleaming in armor ; sword in scabbard , prepared to lay waste - he didn 't need his army . They had been weak - willed fools , he didn 't need anything , he had defeated dragons , he could . . . . he could . . . Something glinted gold off the next hill as he crowned yet another one , and somehow he knew . . . somehow he knew what that gold was . Who it was . It gleamed like victory and ached like loss all at once . He got off his horse , " Arthur ! " He knew . He knew . He clanked down toEnd |
August 31st , 2006 So I look into the loans and I get pre - approved for the smaller amounts . I found a house I really like . It is on NW Brandon . It is large and has the things I want , including a game room . I get pre - approved for that amount of money only to find the house was in the process of being sold . I guess it is a good thing because now I don 't have to worry about spending more money than I should on a house . August 30th , 2006 At work I got a bug back from yesterday . They added something new to it and I had to redo my SQL query . It took a little bit of time to think through how to do it and get something done . But it appears that I have it working . I got it checked in . I was supposed to wear business casual today because of people who were coming into the office . So I even shaved . We had a business lunch with everyone . I spent some time talking to Barb about the eight - twenty loans and the one - hundred percent loans and got some information about that . I contact Washington State ECU about looking into the eighty - twenty loan . They are going to run the number . I contacted the real estate agent about the house on Terre View drive . I am really considering it . It has central AC , washer and dryer , nice wood work and more . I also got working on another problem for Brian . As I got going on it I found there was an error in our DU files and it had probably been there for years and no one knew it . I worked on it some more and got it fixed , but then Barb , Miki , Brian , and I looked into it some more to see if it would cause problems elsewhere . So far it seems like my fixing it was a good thing . I got a call from Jon about Logan 's football practice . It is also his birthday today . I was going to give him mom 's present . Plus I got him a card with money . I went to his practice . It was funny to watch the little guys playing ball . Jon was a coach and he was in his element . He was able to yell and get the kids fired up . I spent about a half hour on the phone with Joe . I am getting some ear pieces from him and I am going to sell them to the other guys at the FD if I can . They are nice ones . I also talked to him about doing a ride along this weekend as well as my new house dilemma . I am waiting to see what happens . I may go back early to look at the house . I will see what happens when I talk to the real estate agent . August 29th , 2006 A couple new bugs trickled into my pipeline . I got them worked on as I got them . I was able to close them out as the came in pretty much . I went out to lunch with the guys . We went to Round Table Pizza . At home I was looking on Realtor . com for properties that were for sale . I was thinking about buying a piece of land and then building on it in a couple years . While looking I found a condo for sale that was pretty cheap . I started to look into that . Then I found another one that was better and closer to the fire station . I looked into that . Finally I found a house that was more than two - hundred thousand bucks . It was right up from the fire station . I started the process of getting pre - approved for a loan . I got the pre - approval . I am nervous about getting into a house when I told myself I wouldn 't . I need to hold strong to that but so far I am not . August 28th , 2006 I got up at four in the morning and got my truck loaded . Then I stopped by my office and picked up my work notebooks . I got gas and was on my way to Colfax . I got my quad from the house and that was the last thing I had to get . I left the remaining key in the house and left . I was flying for a while . I was doing about eighty to eighty - five for a lot of the way through Whitman County . Then I slowed down to about seventy - five to eighty for most of Adams County . I got to work around nine - thirty . I was able to get some of the bugs that I had been holding off working on for the last week and a half due to the lack of Internet access at the office . I got everything in my pipeline completed . I went home and I was there just in time for dinner . I put my stuff away . After dinner I unloaded the quad . Something was not working correctly . It did not want to drive . I got it into the shop . It seemed there was a problem with the breaks being stuck on . I looked at the back and I saw a rope that I had in the back of the truck was stuck around the wheel and sucked into the break . I spent about fifteen minutes trying to free the rope . It was stuck in there good . When I got it all out I looked in the break and I could see what looked like a small spring was broken . So I will have to take it in and get looked at . I am a little upset about that being broken . I also got the new wireless router set up and running with my mom 's laptop and my laptop as well as her desktop . I also got my new Streets and Trips with the GPS . I played around with that for a while . But I had to download a text to speech program so the Streets and Trips could read out my next steps . August 27th , 2006 Starting at noon I was on call for the coroners office . I got up and wanted to go to Lewiston to watch Aden 's Seattle Studs baseball team play , but I just could not get motivated to driving down there . So I ended up sticking around . I had to get ready for the FFL draft anyway . I went to the office and did some searches for rankings of players so I could draft my team . I went to VanNesses and installed his new RAM . Backed up his data and started to install Windows XP . But I had to leave before it was done . I told them to call me if there were any issues . I went to Matt 's place for the draft . Ernest , Carl , Grant , and Matt were there . I got there just before the draft was to start . As it turned out I got a call for the coroners office . Right at the time the draft was to start . This is the second year in a row where I got a coroners case when I should have been doing the draft . So I made some calls and found out what was going on with the case . I talked to the doctor in the hospital . Then I talked to Pete . It appeared like a case I could refuse jurisdiction because we know what the person died . I told Pete what was going on . He agreed with me . I was able to call the hospital and tell them we were not taking jurisdiction . The draft started . I got most of the guys I really wanted to get . I think I have a pretty good team over all . If I can just run it correctly . We were done with the draft around nine - thirty . I called up VanNess . They said things were going well . They seem happy right now . I went home and got my boat locked to the back of the Bumblebee . So hopefully no one will steal it while I am out of town . I also got another call from VanNess . I helped his wife find some stuff she was looking for . Then I went in and went to bed because I was getting up really early in the morning to head to Bellevue . August 26th , 2006 Today was the date of my second boating trip of the year . It sucks that I have only been out one other time , but with all the work on the weekends , driving to and from Seattle , and gas prices I have not made a lot of trips to the water . It will be nice to get out there . I have struck out on getting people to join me however . With as busy as people are and them being out of town or working I only got four people in total to go , and one would meet us down there . I met up with Peter and Mike at Safeway . I got some breakfast / lunch foods . I went to my truck and got it cleaned out then I got the boat filled up with gas . Mike , Peter , and I rode down in my truck , but with the back seat so full they ended up riding in the front seat with me . We launched the boat and it did the thing where it did not want to turn over at all . Then after a tiny bit it turned over and started quickly . We got out there and did some cruising . We were waiting for Dearth Jr to make it out to the river . I hear he is quite a stud on the water . About an hour after we got there he showed up . We went out and he started the knee - boarding . Dearth got up in the first try . Then Mike went out . We tried to get Peter up but we were never able to get him out of the water . Later Dearth tried to use the knee board like a wakeboard . He got up and then rode it for a bit , finally he went down to his knees and rode it some more . He was only with us for a tiny bit then he had to get going . We got Mike on the skis a little bit . Peter went on the tube . We left around four - thirty . Got the boat trailered and driven to Pullman . There was this car going hella slow all the way up the grade and on the Wawawai road . I passed it up and left it in the dust . I also had a voicemail waiting for me on my phone . Chuck said that we were going to do some Rescue training at five . I called and let him know I would be there for that . I got home and cleaned up . Then I went to the station . There were three guys on OT today so they had a big meal down at the Deuce and invited the reserves to join them . Walker , Parrish , and I went to Dissmore 's and got some stuff for the BBQ that was going on . When we got back to the station I backed the Rescue and went to put the chaulk out . I found it was missing . I told Walker that we needed to get some Chocolate - Peanut Butter ice cream . He said we were not going back to the store . I said yes we are … we have to get the chaulk . We got the chaulk and he got some ice cream . Shortly after our return to the station we ate . It was very filling and very good . The families were also invited down . It was a nice meal . I was on Rescue for the rest of the evening . We had a couple calls , but nothing too major as the night went on . I went to my office and made a CD for the Rescue . One song was C ' Mon C ' Mon from the soundtrack for Rescue Me . So when we got a call around two in the morning we drove out of the station with C ' Mon C ' Mon playing . Walker and Bien loved it . After the call we went to , it was a non - transport . We got called around the corner to another person . Rescue was first on scene . We transported . That was pretty much it for our night . It was not too busy of a night . August 25th , 2006 I started the day off by getting up at seven - forty and talking to James about my report . He said I had done a good job on it . I decontaminated my trauma scissors and then went to my apartment . I went to sleep for another four hours . Then I went to work and got a couple bugs closed out . I drove down to Colfax and did the final moving things I needed to do . I consolidated my boxes and made a dump run . Someone from Palouse came and got the dog house and all the other things I was giving away for free . I then went back to my place got the Bumblebee running . I loaded my truck will stuff and then went to the fire station . I hung out with Carl and we talked about the wildfire in Pullman . Mike was going to come and help me get the rest of my stuff and move it to Pullman . I got back to my house around seven - thirty and loaded the Bumblebee and waited for Mike to show up . We loaded up his truck and then headed to Pullman . I got the stuff put in my apartment and the storage place . I got online and checked my bank account . My HELOC was closed out and I am now nearly out of debt . I only have the truck over my head . It is awesome . August 24th , 2006 As I finally was able to leave Colfax for the night and descend to Pullman I noticed light - brown air filling the sky . Coming down Davis Way the brown air was so thick I could barely see across Pullman . It was pretty amazing . The smell of smoke is all about . I made my way to Pizza Pipeline for some lunch and went directly to the office , getting to work sometime after eleven in the morning . There was some work to do . I tried to get going on it , and did accomplish a little bit , but I was tired . I have been up for more than twenty - four straight hours . I am also on call tonight so it does not look good for sleep . After being at work for a couple hours I was dragging hard core so I went to my house and cleaned up . My bed was calling , but I decided to get ready to be on call . I got my bedding . I thought staying at the fire station would be a great idea for tonight . I was down there for a while when James mentioned that the " Meet the Staff " link still has the old shift line ups . So I went to the computer and fixed those . Chuck called and said he would be down there for the BBQ we were going to around five o ' clock . He asked me to check the rigs and see if they needed to be washed . Rescue was not bad , but I gave it a wash anyway . There was a fine layer on dust on it . I got done in time for us to put our gear on it and drive to the Columbia Village apartments . I was told to back the Rescue into the gate . It was so tight I had about an inch between the truck and the gate post . But I made it in . I got myself some dinner . While we were eating I found out Chuck got hired by Shelton Fire . So he will not be going to Medic School , but he will be leaving for sure . So it looks like I may be a Crew Leader pretty soon . After we were done with dinner we were showing the Rescue off . The kids were really annoying , even more than normal to me . It could have been that I was tired . I am really not sure why . The cops were there too and let the kids play with the siren . I told the captain that we needed to use the growler and let them hear a real siren . He gave me permission . I went to the PL and hit the growler . Not a lot , but it was awesome . It gave me a smile . Once the people stopped coming over and it was winding down we started to get the rigs out and leave . It was tight making Rescue leave . We drove down Forrest Way towards Two - Seventy . Reed was the only one with me . We were listening to the police on our radio when they started to talk about a motorcycle versus a car accident in a parking lot . There was confusion about the exact location . It was thought to be CCN or CCS . But it was also said that it was on SE Olympia . There is no SE Olympia in Pullman , but there is a NE Olypmia , it is right by Stephenson . We were right by Stephenson , so I turned on Nevada which turns into Olympia . That was about the time they were dispatching it . They put it out as a Delta response , with a possible broken leg . A broken leg is usually not something that someone will die of , so I was not too concerned . I figured it was all a low speed . But when the cops got there I heard the dispatcher come over our frequency and let us know the cop is there and holding pressure to slow the bleeding . That is when I knew there was a bit of a problem . It was put out in the CCS parking lot and a cop was right there . So we took the scenic route to get there . It really was the scenic route , but if we had not turned to go towards Olympia we would not have had the extra couple roads to travel down . We were coming up Merman Drive as Engine Thirty - Two was coming down . I saw the police cars . I parked across the street to leave room in the parking lot for the Ambulance . We walked across the street to the parking lot . I could see a group of people standing around and some people across the street by where I was parked . It was quite the thing to do at the time . The motorcycle was on the side and he was laying on the parking lot with a cop holding pressure . As I got closer I could see hunks of flesh with blood . I knew that was not a good sign . There was a fair amount of blood and the injury was severe . We put on a couple trauma dressings and an air splint to stabilize the injury . He had bones showing with a hug cut area showing muscle and fat tissues . It was very bad looking . He was transported code - three . I got to the hospital and helped to clean everything up . Reed and I stopped by station one and saw the first responders doing their testing . We were talking about the call as well as joking about other things . We were there for a little bit when we got called to the SRC for an injured ankle . But when we got on scene we were cancelled . So we went back to the Deuce . Chuck was there and we talked about house buying . He is looking at houses in Shelton on the Internet . I sat down and watched some TV but I was so tired that I decided it would be a good idea to go to bed . But with me being up for thirty - six - plus hours and with the fact we have had very few night time calls I knew tonight would be the night for them . I went to sleep ten minutes after ten o ' clock . Within thirty - five minutes we were getting dispatched to someone with chest pain . It was out in the county . Sort of a frequent flyer . D - Twelve also came and they went with the Ambulance to the hospital with the patient . We cleared and went back to the station . Just as we were going to back it in another call for a fire alarm came in . We got changed quickly and drove to the scene . I was IC . I did the size up . We went inside and could see the smoke detector going as well as the smell of the burnt food . We spent some time trying to find the alarm panel . When Engine Thirty - Two arrived we had them come in and help with the panel . Finally we sent Keith outside to get someone from the house to show us the panel . We got the system reset . James asked if I wanted to hand off the case to him or if I wanted to do the report . I told him I would like to do it because I have never done one . He got me started and then I wrote it up . I printed it off and set it on the log book . I went to bed . But it was not to be for very long . I got another call for a detox at a little after two in the morning . That time I was really tired . I am talking super duper tired . I said to the other guys , now I know what it is like to be a mortal and feel really tired . We finally got back and I went right to bed , but it was after three in the morning . I decided I should get up before James leaves and talk to him about my report . My alarm clock was set for seven - forty . Way too early for my last two days . August 23rd , 2006 After nearly ten days without Internet access in my office I was ready to take whomever could get to me first and install something that worked . I worked the phones trying to get people who would listen to me and help me out . After having picked up my modem from UPS and installing it , the same thing was happening . But NU was worried about LP and I had to get to work on it , so I went to Taco Time for lunch and to sit there using the computer . I got a couple things done before I got a call from First Step Internet . I went back to my office and tried a couple things to no avail . After sitting around for about two and a half hours I got work Verizon found the problem on their end , after days ago saying it was all good on their end . They would have it fixed in the morning . I said that was unacceptable . But the guy at FSR said it is normally a week turn around , so the fact I am getting it over night is pretty good . I was not impressed with all the other errors from Verizon . Later on I pulled in my DSL modem only to see it start to work . I got in more than a hundred e - mail messages and started to work on things that I had not gotten to get to . I got into work on the LP stuff right away . But as I was working I heard Colfax out running a fire call . It was a grass fire that was getting away from them . They started to calling for other departments to come . As it turned out members and rig from every fire district in Whitman County showed up . But I was stuck getting my work done . I worked hard on it for a couple hours then when I finished I checked it in and took off for Colfax . I had called Jenny to see if people were still needed and she said yes . When I got to Colfax there were a lot of people there . I went to the bay and got my wildland gear . I did not have pants yet so I figured I would wear my bunker bottoms . Even if I had pants I did not have boots . When I took my bunker bottoms off the rack I saw a set of bottoms for wildland . I tried them on and they fit . Then I saw a pair of boots over my stuff . I tried them on . They fit , but the metal toe was really tight and caused painful pressure points . I decided against my better judgment to wear them anyway . Within minutes of getting my stuff on we were out the door . It was Matt , Zach , and I with Steve from the City driving us . We were heading into the fire ground . I was in awe . I have seen footage like that on the news before , but to see it in person was amazing . The hillside had one line zigzagging line of fire . Smoke was thick and there were spots of fires all over the place . It was dark outside and I could not see how bad the damage was , but I could see the fire . It was all around . It was making the area glow . It was almost over whelming . I have never been in a place like that . It was dark , I was surrounded by fire and it was so pretty . But I had no idea what I was going to have to do . I had my webgear and my fire shelter . I surely hoped I would not need to use that . We went to the Chicken Ranch Road on the South Palouse River Road . We got out . My old coworker from IS , Dan was there with Rosalia fire . We chatting briefly . Steve did not take off right away because he did not want to leave us until we were assigned somewhere . We had only one radio channel being used and it was full . There was not time to talk . It was constant chatter . We tried several times to get out on the radio . But we were not able to reach command . Shortly thereafter my night started . A lady in a Suburban came by . At first I was annoyed because the road was filled with people driving around looking at the fire and it was hard for the fire apparatus to move around . I saw one grey truck was off the side of the road . Anyway the lady rolled down her window and said that she thought the grain silo was on fire . We got in Steve 's truck to check it out , on our way there Clark got on the radio and said he had emergency traffic . He said the grain silo was on fire . We got there and the grey truck was still parked about twenty feet from the silo . It was in the collapse zone . I had found out it belonged to a firefighter from Colfax fire , Rick . It was being used by David who was doing rehab runs . He was trying to back out of the way for a big rig coming through and got it high centered on the back axle . A guy from Garfield Fire was there in his POV . He pulled out some chains and we were going to yank it out . But we needed to get inside . We were about to break the window when Rick 's son Eric came running up yelling that he had the key . He got in and we got it yanked out . While yanking it out the back wheel came about three feet off the ground . But it was out without incident . We had some people from one of the agencies trying to put some water where the flames were coming out from the top of the silo . But it was not enough . After a couple minutes we had them back up and Elevator Command was established with Scott running it . I was with Scott on the West side of the Elevator . Several units were with us . There were several more units on the East side as well . We were waiting for spot fires or a collapse to fight the fire . We were there for a couple hours as it burned and slowly collapsed in on itself . At one point when the wall and floor gave out on one level a very large amount of grain started to fall from it onto the railroad tracks that were right next to it . There was a mound about ten feet high covering the tracks . When only about fifteen feet of the wall remained we figured it was pretty safe . There was no danger of it collapsing on the road . It was close to that time we learned about a train trestle that was fully involved . Matt , Zach , and I jumped in Jeff 's truck and he drove us to the scene . On the way Zach was saying someone was asking him what squad he was from . We decided to name ourselves Squad Fifty - One after the TV show Emergency . We got on scene and the trestle was burning pretty heavily . We walked to the area where the fighting was going on . We were there for about twenty minutes and it became pretty clear that our efforts were in vain . The far side that was over the river was not going out and we could not get water on it . So they finally decided to stop fighting it and we were going to let it burn . We kept one tender truck there with a small pump . Squad Fifty - One was going to help fight spot fires . Jeff also stuck around . All other units cleared that scene and were reassigned . For the next several hours we watched it burn and watched it start to fall apart and fall into the river . A bunch of reporters from the Daily Evergreen came by . They were taking a lot of photos and talking to us . They wanted to see this one large support beam fall . It looked like it was close to falling , but it was after three o ' clock in the morning the most of them were ready to leave . So they took off and it was another hour or two before it actually fell . I thought about a way to fight to save some of the trestle . Only half of it was in the river . The other half was over dry land where we could get to both sides . I thought that with people on both sides there we could fight it and save that part . I told my idea to Jeff and we went to look . He agreed with me . We decided what support beam set we were going to fight from . I called it the Alamo . We drew a line and we were going to fight to the end . Zach said we lost the Alamo . I said I know , we are going to fight to the end , like they did at the Alamo . We knew at the speed of the fire we had about an hour before we had to fight , so we talked to command and got two tenders and a pumper to come down and play . With the time we had before fighting the fire we asked for some food from the Command Post . The Red Cross showed up with food and what - not . Scott came down with the food for all of us . We were able to get something to eat before it was show time . The fire was getting closer , Command told us to be careful fighting a night - time operation . We got the unit coming and got ready to fight . We layed out the hose line and I went to the far side of the trestle and started to wet down the supports and the beams . The fire got closer and closer . Other guys were on the other side putting water there . As the fire got closer Jim and I put down our goggles and put up the face from our coat . The heat was bad and it was still approaching . I was fighting to save the rest of the trestle and I was starting to worry a little bit about the heat and how long I could stay there . I only had a one - inch line and there was another one - inch line on the other side . The fire was slowed , but not stopped by us . Then Jeff showed up with a one and a half inch line . With his help we not only stopped the fire but fought it back . We ended up winning the Alamo and saving two extra trestles . D - Twelve showed up and got on top of the trestle and put foam and water on from the top side . For the next hour we kept spraying down the trestle supports and keeping the fire at bay . Soon it was not necessary to constantly fight . I kept an eye on the fire and sat down . My boots were hurting my feet in the toes area where it was really tight . For the next couple hours I kept watch on my part of the trestle . I would spray water from time to time to keep the beams cool . Soon light was peaking over the hill and I could start to see all the blacken land . The fire had done a good job on burning things . A TV crew shows up and got some video of us in our operation . I was only holding a hose waiting to do something . Jim was standing next to me . I figured with us just standing around we would not be of much interest to put on the news . But I was wrong . We appeared on the news and on their website with the slide show . Around seven in the morning I was getting pretty tired . We started to clean up and roll up our hose in anticipation of being relieved . It was only one more hour before we would get relieved with the new crews . But there was a communication break down . As the new crews went out they did not realize we were at the trestle . Clark showed up and said " this is where the missing engines and tenders where . " It was another thirty minutes before we were able to leave . So it was nearly ten in the morning when we got to the command post to fill out our paperwork and got some food . We were there for about thirty minutes getting everyone 's paperwork fill out . August 22nd , 2006 It has been a long time since I was able to do Colfax Fire Training because of softball , being on call at Pullman , and being out of town . I missed nearly all of the summer . I did some work at Taco Time and then I went to Colfax . I moved a ton of stuff from my basement to the car port and then I did some cleaning of the mouse droppings . I got a hepafilter from the health department from Judy . I used gloved and went to work . I took a short break and signed the papers for the house sale . It is going to be finalized this week . After spending several hours getting that work done I went to the fire station and had training . We were doing some pumping and water shuttling . I was put on rehab and photo taking because of my hurting back . I got some pretty cool photos of the people on top of engine three spraying water and the red lights flashing . After the training several of us went to Subway for dinner . I had eaten at Eddy 's so I just hung out with everyone . After the dinner I went home and went to bed . August 21st , 2006 I am not happy about still not having my internet , but I know the new modem is on the way . I went to Pizza Pipeline for lunch and did some work online there . I am not able to get a lot done because it is a lot slower going while using my laptop . I decided that I was not feeling up do doing training tonight because my back was starting to hurt more than the last few days . I am upset that my back hurts so I cannot get any work done around the house . I am mad because I cannot get work done because the Internet is down . So I am just sitting around wasting time . I would be sort of okay with the bad Internet if I could at least get some work done around the house . August 20th , 2006 I started the day out by sleeping until noon . Then I got up and made some lunch and watched a movie . NTeck joined me and when it was done it was close to the time for the autopsy for my latest case . I got to the funeral home in time for the autopsy to start . It was pretty interesting to see someone who was young and fit . My other two autopsies were with old people so I got a chance to see what things should look like this time . Young organs and things that looked normal . After the autopsy I went to the apartment and got ready for my cone course to get signed off on the new rescue . But we were doing an inventory of the new rescue first . So I helped with that and it took a couple hours to do that . I did my cone course in the dark . I ended up passing the cone course and only got dinged for my hand placement and not using my signals . But we were not really in places where they honestly would have been used . All the logical places to use a signal I used one . I am now signed off on using the new rescue . I am pretty happy about that . I went to the office and didn 't do a whole bunch after that . August 19th , 2006 I got up at five in the morning and got ready for softball and then headed out . I got some pop and filled my truck . Our first game was at eight in the morning . I was still tender in the back area . I got to St . Maries after about an hour and fifteen minutes of driving . I was going fast . We went to the field and I got a couple beers and then we played ball . I was not able to hit anything . I went oh - fer in the first game , but I did get on base once . We lost the first game which meant our next game was going to be at three - thirty in the afternoon . I was not looking forward to the long delay . I had some more beer and watched the women play a game . I also saw the coach of the Palouse Thunder there . He lives in the area and planned on seeing some of the guys on the team who were planning on playing in some of the games . We had a guy on our team who we called K - Fed for Kevin Federline ( Britney 's Husband ) . He was a ten - six - seven and a good player . He also happened to play for the Thunder for part of this last season . I went back to camp and hung out for a while trying to relax my back . I made my trip to Serva Burger . It is like Cougar Country . They have some good food there . It was about an hour and a half before game time . I got some food and went back to the field . We had our next game and I was hurting a little bit . I was playing catcher . We had some close plays at home and I got some action . We ended up losing that game as well . I went oh - fer in that game as well . I decided that I would try to make it back to be on call . I wanted to be on Rescue because it was the opening weekend before school and many times it is busy as heck there . It turned out to be dead more or less . But I made good time to Pullman . I was able to drive from St . Maries to Pullman , shower , get my pop , and get to the station in about an hour and fifty minutes . I went to the station and we got some calls . I was on rescue the whole night , but we only got four calls . Not what I was hoping for . But they came pretty close to a bunch . So five of us stayed at the station for most of the night . Keith and Tyson were in the bedroom with me and Chapman , Reed , and Brian stayed on the furniture in the dayroom . We did not get any additional calls . I got up around three in the morning and went to my apartment and slept for the rest of the night . August 18th , 2006 I started the day off with a trip to Colfax . I sent in the order for sunglasses . I also signed some paperwork for my house sale . We needed to allow the closing agency to pay off my final debts for the house . I got the paperwork for the case from yesterday done and printed out . My modem was supposed to have arrived yesterday , but they sent it two - day instead . I was not very happy about that . I hooked it up and it did not fix anything . I talked with FSR . We did all the things they thought we should test out . Then they decided to send out a guy to do some stuff on site . He said it was a bad modem and I needed a new one . So I got on the phone with the people from Verizon and spent a fair amount of time until I talked to someone and a new modem was on the way . I told them the problem with the first shipment . They said they would send this one out nextday . Peter and I met up for dinner at the Emerald . We were there for nearly four hours . We talked about the PES and other things . I saw the new Rescue and engine go by . I knew they were now in service . I went to the station and took a look at them . I saw where the equipment was put and talked with Chapman for a while . There was also a problem with the engine smoking , it looked like a small electrical fire was happening . Eric from the main station came down and looked at it . They determined something with the charging system went bad and caused the smoking . August 17th , 2006 The day started with a call from Pete at seven in the morning . I forgot that I was on call , but I had been up late and I was tired . I answered it and he said there was a case in Rosalia . I called Whitcom and got more information . It turned out to be a twenty - six year old found in a car . But they had the bike rally starting up that day and wanted to take care of everything as quick as possible . I got going and raced to Rosalia . I also called Patti and Pete and let them know what was going on . I invited Patti to come out and work the scene as well . I arrived about ten minutes before Patti . The guy was found in his car and CPR was started , but it was not successful . He was pronounced dead at the scene by MedStar . I started to do my investigation . Patti showed up and helped me with everything . We got the funeral home there and they took the body to Kimball 's in Pullman was we finished up the scene . I got all sorts of photos and talked to the family . Pete showed up and helped talk to the family . Patti and the Rosalia Town Marshall went to the dad 's house and interviewed him . It was looking like an OD . I went to Taco Time and got some work done then I went back to my office and got my paperwork completed . Pete called and asked if I could go to the Autopsy . I said I could . I planned on getting my clothes on for that but then I got another call telling me that it was ready to start and I had to get there right away because Pete was not in the area and it was starting early . I got to Kimballs and watched the autopsy . It was interesting . I was able to see inside the Abdominal Aorta . It was full of really rough substances due to age . It was like feeling sand paper . Pete showed up at the end of the autopsy and we talked about it all . I was on call tonight . While at the station Tony called to see if Rescue could help with the First Responder class . We had Drew coming to do more with the Rescue training . We worked on it and was mostly done when we got called away to a medical incident . When it was done we went to the station and started to do check offs . But we got two calls in the process of the check off 's . We had all our calls when we wanted to get other things done , but by the time we were done doing our work the calls also stopped coming in . August 16th , 2006 Because we are going to get the old WSU engine for the reserves I need drive time in it . Erik and I went out in it for about three hours . We drove all around town and I was able to do all the hills finishing on College Hill . By that time I was more comfortable with the smaller roads and the size of the engine . We drove all around and there were a lot of people around milling about because it is Rush week . August 15th , 2006 I worked with FSR on my computer stuff some more . But without having the Internet I decided to go to Taco Time where there is free Internet access . I did that yesterday as well . I was able to get work done while having lunch . I was on duty tonight . My back was still tender but I was not going to not work . Drew was going to come and check us off on the new Rescue Thirty Two . It was going to go into service very soon . We were nearly done when we got called away on a car accident . So we didn 't get a lot done . We went to the scene and got cancelled pretty quickly . August 14th , 2006 Because of my hurting back I decided that I should take the day off of work . It also didn 't help that the Internet in my office was down . I dealt with FSR about trying to get it figured out . We could not find out what was wrong with it . I was going to skip fire training tonight but I decided that I would cowboy up and go . Now that I am an engineer I was assigned to take Engine Thirty - Three to the CUB . I put my stuff in the engine and we went to station one before going to the CUB . There was a question about what I was going to do . At first I was going to get assigned to a team and then I put on my coat to find out it was too small . As it turned out I had someone elses coat . I was going to have to find out who had my coat . I was assigned to be a victim in the CUB . I found a hiding spot and they were going to have to find me . They found me finally . Then we had a short critique after it was done . August 13th , 2006 Because the softball tournament was cancelled for me I decided that I would get more moving done . I also called Patti and asked to take Sunday from her so I could do some boating on a weekend to come . There was more stuff to pack and start to move . It was slow going . I only had the basement to do , but I really hated to start on it . I hate moving and the stuff in the basement is full of cob webs as well as the fact there has been a presence of mice down there . I am worried about hantavirus in the droppings , so I am looking up information about it and trying to be careful about what I do down there so it makes it real slow going . I got some stuff done , but I also started hurting more and more as the day went on . Steve , the guy buying my house wanted me to show him around the property . I went up on my quad and he took his motorcycle up there . We drove around and looked at everything . When we were done I was really hurting . I went to the fire station . Around seven in the afternoon I got a call from Patti about a case to do . So I called the hospital in Pullman and found out what happened . It turned out someone died of a AAA . Because of that I knew I should investigate to make sure there wasn 't a medical misadventure as Pete calls them . There was a AAA in the past where the doctor did not do what he should have in diagnosing it . I went to the hospital . But I was hardly able to stand and walk . I walked hunched over into the hospital . The chaplain was there and carried a bag for me . I did my investigation . Craig from Kimballs showed up and we removed the body . I went back to the funeral home and did more of an investigate . Pete decided and autopsy was in order . August 12th , 2006 After having packed all my stuff , it was my turn to do the packing - packing of boxes up and down the stairs . I made trips and up and down as I answered phone calls in reference to my craigslist listing . I had several things for free including he SAAB . A ten - six - seven from Spokane came and got it . He was shirtless and looking good . He got the car and took off . Other people showed up through out the day and got items I was giving away . I also was working on taking the stuff down to the truck and packing them . It took a while to get everything down to my truck . Once it was all packed we went to Pullman . Dan met us at the storage place and helped to unload everything . Then we went to my apartment and unloaded the rest of the stuff . My mom went to Cougar Country after that and had dinner . She was going to head back to Seattle after getting some food . I still had a long night a head of me for doing some unpacking and arranging my room . It got my desk set up and decided how I would arrange my room so all my items were nicely arranged . I have a lot of boxes of stuff to go through and put away . August 11th , 2006 My mom came over from Seattle to help me pack my kitchen and the remainder of my stuff today . We both got into Colfax around the same time . We got some lunch and she worked on packing stuff . I loaded my truck full of items and made my way to Pullman to drop them off . It was nice to have her over and her help made my life so much easier , because packing the kitchen for me would have taken for ever . August 10th , 2006 Tonight is the last night I will be in Renton for a couple weeks . I took my mom 's computer to work to see if it would work on the wireless network . It worked nicely , so I think that the problem is with the wireless router at home . I went to Amazon and bought a new one for her . I also talked to Dave on the phone for a bit . It sounds like he is close to selling his house in Covington . I would love to see him move out to the Pullman area . I doubt he will , but it would be so nice if he did . I would like to have him around . I hit lunch today with Jon , Jim , and Terry . We went to Three Pigs today . It was nice to be here for a week . It was like being on vacation . I did not have to worry about anything in the evening . I just worked and went home . But I want to get back to Colfax and get moved out of my house so I can close the sale and be done with it . August 9th , 2006 I was able to get the problem with the import of liabilities solved . It was nice to get that done . It has been on my plate for a couple weeks . I worked most of the morning trying to get my computer to do service orders so I could debug . Then I could not step into the VB components . So I battled that and found a different way to do some debugging . Once I saw the data that we were using I was able to fix the problem with no time . Now I am done with everything on my plate until Monday . I hit Arby 's for lunch with Jon . We talked about my softball application and a car accident that we saw on Coal Creek Parkway this morning . We each saw it at a different time . As it turned out a guy had a medical issue . Slumped over the wheel of the truck he was in . Hit one light pole on one side of the road and went across six lanes at a high rate of speed and hit head on with a tree . I also spent some time looking up information about flights to Alabama . I am thinking about seeing the Cougs play down there . It would be fun to see an away Cougar game . Konty has a place for me to stay and tickets if I can make it down there . August 8th , 2006 Jon and I went out to lunch today . We talked about NetUpdate . He asked me if I was willing to come back to the Seattle area and work full time . I told him that I wasn 't . I want to stay in the Pullman area . Following work I helped Jon get his boat out of the water . He is planning on going on a trip and he wants to take the boat with him . I was looking into going to the Cougar game vs . Auburn . Konty said that he has a ticket and a place to stay if I can get my way down there . But it is looking like it will cost around five hundred bucks to make it down there . I want to go , but I am not sure I want to spend the money . August 7th , 2006 After being gone since June Second I made my first appearance into the office . They have done some remodeling of my area including taking down my paper curtain to shield the light from my eyes and taking down some of the other things I had . Some of them made jokes about not knowing who I was . I was sort of getting mad about everything , but I didn 't say anything . Ricky now has an office . I am not going to say a word . I have no need for an office . My cube is just fine . On top of that if I said anything they would probably make issue with me working from home . I got home and saw Amber . She was happy to see me . I also saw Jen and the parents . We had some dinner and were watching the M 's when Jon came up to get his boat trailer . I also worked on getting my mom 's new laptop set up and running on the network at the house . August 6th , 2006 After spending the last couple days in a moving frenzy I have now done . I got my final load dropped off in Pullman at the storage place and at the apartment . I dropped off the UHaul in Moscow like I was supposed to . I told them about the letters that got damaged . It cost me more than a hundred bucks . Then while we were doing paperwork a Moscow cop showed up and came up to me . He asked me what my route of travel was . I said " huh ? " He asked if I came from the South . I said that I had come from Pullman . As it turned out someone in a UHaul with a white hat , like what I was wearing , was driving erratically . They asked UHaul to call the police if someone showed up matching that description . The cop left and Travis gave me a ride back to get my truck . It was at station one still . I got the truck and spoke to John for a bit . Then I decided to go to my apartment and get stuff put away . I debated how to put the desk and bed in the room to give me the most amount of space possible . I tried one configuration before I decided on one that will work for me . I was only able to work on that until around five because I had to get ready to be on call today . I got some dinner and went to the fire station . We did our rig checks . We knocked out Rescue and the Engine in no time . Wilcox , Parrish , and I went to station one to get some stuff . We ended up talking with VanNess and some of the other guys for more than an hour . August 5th , 2006 Today is set to be the big day with friends coming over to help me move . I had to get up a little early and get started on moving . It was a bit of a challenge after having stayed up later than I planned . When I finally did get up I got more boxes moved from inside the house to outside . The from outside to the UHaul . It was a slow process . People were supposed to show up around noon , but most came around one in the afternoon . But once they got there we got packing . It took a couple hours for us to get the desks , big furniture , and other boxes out to the UHaul . Once we got it full Brad , Dan and his wife and kids , Russell , and Jim all went to Pullman where we unloaded the UHaul at my storage place and the apartment . John joined us at the storage place . We filled up the storage place and filled my room with boxes and other items . The couch was too big to get into the storage unit , and it almost did not make it into the apartment . We worked it for a while before we got it inside . When we finally unloaded the UHaul , Brad had to go , but John was still with us . We drove back to Colfax . I got everyone dinner at the Top Notch . Then it was back to my place for loading more stuff . We had some electronics and some furniture . But some of it was being used for the Texas Hold ' em free roll I was throwing . I had bought an eighteen pack of beer and a case of pop . Everyone was drinking something and playing cards . The kids had things to play with from their home . We started out the tournament . I was sort of up and down . We had the blinds going up every twenty minutes so we could get the tournament done as quick as possible while still allowing time to have fun . Jim was the first one out , followed by John , then Denise . Dan and I went to the final two people . I was paying the top two , but first place got seventy - five bucks , where second place only got twenty - five . I wanted to protected as much money as possible . I knew I would be saving some of it because I was number two , but Dan had a huge chip lead on me and we battled back and forth , however , the blinds were getting steep . Pretty soon it hit in such a way that my blinds were forcing me to go all - in . Dan won the all in by getting help on the river . We then finished loading the UHaul with the remainder of the furniture . They left to go home and I didn 't do a whole bunch more myself . I watched some TV and had some dinner . But I mainly was relaxing from all the work I have done the last couple days . August 4th , 2006 Today the only help I got offered was from Russell . I spent some of the time packing my boxes and going through stuff I am planning on throwing away . Russell showed up and we got the UHaul full of garbage and other things I wanted to get rid of . We went to the dump and made three passes by the scale . Once for yard waste , which is free to throw away . Once for the wood , and finally for the trash . The wood was nearly six hundred pounds . The trash was a bunch more . The yard waste was nearly one hundred pounds . In all I had nearly three - quarters of a ton of trash and throw away items . That is not all . I have more coming . But that is all or today . Following my trip to the dump Russell and I loaded up boxes with tools and the table saw and moved those to the storage place in Pullman . I took Russell out to dinner at the Emerald . He went home and I went back to Colfax and started to work some more on packing boxes . I hate to even think of the work I have been putting in . I hate moving and I do not find it even slightly enjoyable . So I spend the night packing boxes and getting as ready as I can for the people who will be coming over tomorrow to help me move . August 3rd , 2006 I took today and tomorrow off of work so I can start the moving process . I have e - mailed a lot of people looking for help and so far everyone is going to be gone this weekend . Russell has said he would help . So I have one for sure . I started by getting some boxes at Rosauers and then going to the SO for a while . I saw Pete and helped him look for some photos on the computer . I did not get home and really started on the moving until nearly one in the afternoon . But I spent eight straight hours packing boxes and going through stuff to get started . I had so much junk mail I had to go through to get rid of the mail and pull aside stuff I need to shred up . It took me almost two hours doing that and I was flying through it . When I was done with that I started to pack up my old TV room followed by the den . I hate moving so much . I am glad I don 't have to do it yearly like I did while living on campus . But now I am going to try to consolidate my stuff and get rid of things I really don 't need . But today was just trying to get stuff packed up . August 2nd , 2006 I took two days off of work to get ready to do my moving . I started out the morning by making a run to Rosauers in the morning to get boxes for moving . I dropped them off at the house . I went back to Pullman and started my day of work . Overall it was pretty uneventful today . I spent the early part of the day covering for Tadema at the fire department . The later part of the evening was spent around the office getting stuff ready for leaving town on Sunday . August 1st , 2006 I got a call today from my real estate agent . He said the paperwork is signed and I can start to move my stuff from the house . I have set the plans in motion with renting a new storage place that is larger . I also sent out an E - mail to a lot of people looking for help . I am willing to throw a kegger with a free - roll Texas Hold ' em tournament for those who help . I spent a couple hours working on Duane 's computer . He is having serious issues . It is very slow and all I have really done so far is run spyware programs and got an anti - virus application installed . We watched Rescue Me as a group down at the fire station . It was good times . After the show , within about ten minutes we got a call . After that however it was quiet . |
The fever didn 't break day before or even in the day , so I was miserable when I woke up . I decided that I was not going to allow myself to not go on the trip to the Archeological Museum because it was one of the most important of the trip for me . I ended up dragging myself there , and I was happy that I did . The things in that museum are amazing . I have been studying them for three years , and having the ability to see them and look at them for as long as I wanted in real life was great . There are so many things in that museum of great importance to Greek history . After the museum , I was feeling badly , so I went to bed . We went to the Parthenon with Jeffrey . I had been there before on my own before , so I was able to see the things I had seen and studied about before in a much more detailed light . It was very nice to see it again , and I loved being in the Greek air finally hearing the Greek language around me . It made me feel wonderful . Unfortunately , I got a really bad fever while we were there , so I spent the rest of the day trying to sleep it off . We took the plane to Athens this day . The only notable part of the journey was that I was escorted through security for causing trouble . I asked if they would hand inspect my film , and they refused to do it . The security person made me send it through and guaranteed that it would be fine . When I asked for his name , he called the military to escort me away from security as I sobbed about my film being x - rayed . It all worked out though . The film developed fine , and I wasn 't thrown from the airport and stuck in Rome alone . This was our last day in Rome . It was supposed to be very magical , and it turned out to be for me at least . We spent the morning in the Roman Forum with Jeffrey . It was a lot of fun to walk around what used to be a busy street and try to put it all back together . I had been there before , but being guided through it with Jeffrey really was a big help . We ended the morning tour in front of the Coliseum , and we were allowed to go wherever we wanted . A group of us ran over to the church that holds Michelangelo 's Moses for the tomb of Pope Julius . We were kicked out quickly because the church was closing , but I at least got the joy of standing in front of it . After that , I walked with a group of people to another church . I went in and they continued on to the church that they wanted to go see . My church turned out not to be so good , so I ended up meeting the group on the steps of another church that was closed . We decided to go see if a museum was open , so we walked past yet another church that was designed my Michelangelo on the way to the subway station that we took to the museum we were interested in . The museum didn 't look as promising as I thought it would , so I left the group alone and decided to walk across Rome alone on my way home . It was a wonderful walk . I went into any church I could , and I saw a lot of good things . I ended up seeing the Deposition of the Cross by Michelangelo as well as many Carravaggio paintings . The afternoon turned out to be a very good one . I was ready to head to my Greek land . This was one of the most inspirational days I 've had , and I am doing the very rare thing of writing about it actually on the day because I do not want to forget everything I have to write down . Early in the morning , we had to wake up and get ready . The Vatican Museums are known for being really crazy , and you have a chance of getting there before the real crowds hit if you get there early . While Christy was showering , I decided to call Jared , and I actually ended up getting a hold of him right as he was coming back from his surprise Birthday party put on by his mom . He said that there were a lot of people at the party and that it was really nice . I was happy to hear about it . We headed down and had a very big breakfast before heading off onto the bus . The bus was really crowded , but we managed to cram in as a group of 20 on our way . When we got off the bus , it was still before 8 , but the line for the museum wrapped well around the block already . We were told that it was bad news , so we sat and waited . The Museum didn 't even open for another 50 minutes , but we were able to fill the time . The line moved very quickly , and we were in only an hour and a half after we had arrived . However , we were not able to beat the crowds . Once we got in , we were walking shoulder - to - shoulder with the many other people that were in there , there was no room to move or breathe , and it really was very crazy . We had to walk through four or five very long crowds to make it to the Sistine Chapel , and once we got in there , it was very crazy . However , it was very worth it . When I looked up on the ceiling and saw the real fresco of Michelangelo of God giving life to Adam , tears welled up in my eyes . It was as emotional for me as seeing some of the other amazing Boticelli pieces that I had so long admired . I felt so lucky to be there even though it was difficult physically to get there and to be there . We spent quite a bit of time in the chapel going over each scene and each character . The impact of the scenes on me was immense , and being in tPosted by It was time to leave the villa and head off to Rome . John hired a coach bus to come and take our luggage and us to the hotel in Rome , so all we had to do was show up on time at the door of the villa with all our luggage . We had all bought shirts on the trip that said " Chao Bella . " Almost everyone had a different color , so we decided to do a group shot with everyone wearing his or her shirt . It was a lot of fun to set up . The ride to Rome was long , so I slept . When we got there , we put our things in our rooms and then we headed off with John Pack on a walk . He was going to show us around Rome and take us to some of the sites around our hotel that really inspired him . One of the first things we did was go and see the Pantheon . I was just amazed at the workmanship of the dome , and it was truly an incredible thing to see . Our walk took us all over Rome up to the Capital that Michelangelo designed , down to the Roman Forum and through the Jewish Ghetto back to our hotel . The walk was really amazing . Rome isn 't one of my favorite cities , but I was able to truly appreciate the beauty of the place that it was and that it has been . We walked off at night alone to the Trevi Fountain . I threw a coin in for good luck . It is supposed to mean that I will return to Rome . It was hard to believe that after all of the things that we had done that our time was coming to a close . It was our last trip to Florence before heading away from Italy . I was really looking forward to it . Our first mission was to head to San Miniato . It is a church above the hill in Florence , and it is fabulous . It has a really good view of the city . The church is one of the best that I had been in . It was also one of Michelangelo 's favorites , and I can see why . The church was right along the defense walls that Michelangelo helped to put together when Florence was under siege . The time we spent in the church was amazing because it was all covered inside and out with perfect white marble . It was a really good church to end our tour of Florence on . After that , the group walked down the hill to Florence and had lunch . After lunch , we met up at the Medici Chapel . The goal was to go in and see the Medici tombs as well as the work that Michelangelo did . It was a really fabulous visit , and the works are by far some of my favorite works that Michelangelo did . We then went around and went into the church of San Lorenzo . It is one of my other favorite churches . The entire thing was designed my Brunelleschi , and it has a very fabulous feel . It was one of my favorite spaces to spend time in . We were all tired , but because it was our last trip in Florence , I headed off with a couple of people to see some other churches . The church of Santo Spirito that was wanted to see was closed , so Jeffrey recommended that we go to the Church of SS . Annunziata . It was nothing like the other churches we had been in , so we did not stay long . The cloister was amazing , but that was because Brunelleschi had a say in it 's design , and it was not ruined too much by later people . On the way home , I stopped off on the train to Prato . The city is a beautiful little city that I had wanted to see . The only thing that Jeffrey told me would be of interest during a quick trip would be the Duomo . I loved it . I was so surprised by its simple beauty . It is lPosted by Not much to say about this day . We didn 't have anything scheduled for the day , so I decided to take a nice hike up to the hill above the villa and visit the old monastery there . Christy and Matt decided to come with me . At first , we started right up through the olive groves , and it was a beautiful hike . We eventually came upon a house where a farmer was working . He asked us where we were going and then opened all the gates on the property for us to be able to go through . He was nice , and it was a " cultural " experience , as my friend would say . The monastery was very wonderful , and the view was fabulous . After the hike , Matt and I headed to Pistoia where he bought me some lunch , which was very nice . The rest of the day was spent doing little else but getting ready to head to Greece . Lucca was our last day trip out to a new city , and I was really looking forward to it . I had not heard about the glories of Lucca , but I was sure that it was going to be fabulous . We got there and found out first thing that the church that we were first going to look at was closed . While the professors regrouped and got some coffee , my friends and I discovered that it was an important day in the town and that there was a good market going on . We found a stand that was making fresh donuts , and I had one . It was really amazing . We then walked on through the town to see the glories that Lucca has to offer . I am writing this a little bit after the trip . The experience of Lucca is the city itself . There wasn 't a lot of great masterpieces that we saw while we were there . The city is a well - arranged city that has many medieval palaces in it . The streets are lined with the feeling of being old in a modern time . The churches that we visited were very amazing . I got some post cards of the facades of them because I really enjoyed the time I spent in them . Of course , as in all churches in Italy , I saw many relics . We made our way slowly home after a long day of looking at the beautiful city of Lucca . Dinner was steak , and it was fabulous . We had such a small amount of time left in Pistoia , so we decided to again go down into the city and explore the things that it has in store . We headed in to the Commune building to explore the Commune Museum . It is a museum with a lot of important works done in Pistoia all through history . We spent a lot of time in the Renaissance section . There weren 't a lot of great masterpieces that are well known , but it was very educational to look at the art that was being done . A lot of it was every bit as good as some of the stuff we were seeing in Florence . It 's hard to imagine that Pistoia was also a VERY important city in the Renaissance - unlike it 's role today . After the Commune Museum , the group headed off to a museum of work by a famous sculptor named Marino Marini . It was interesting to look at his work . He is a modern art sculptor , and I did not like his work at all . I felt that he had never learned how to draw correctly and traditionally and was thus unable to transfer any quality into his work . I did not stay long , and I vowed to never let my art quality get to the point that I thought his had gone to . I went home and spent the afternoon photographing one of my friends in the fountain of the villa . She has a wonderful personality , and I 'm sure that if you see my portfolio that you will see the photos I took of her . Dinner was Calamari , soup , turkey with spinach , fish , fruit , cheese and bread . We were going to have another day in Florence . I have really gotten to know the city well , and it was a joy to be able to spend another day in it looking at the amazing works of art that are available . We all traveled in to Florence together and went directly to the Bargello . The Bargello is the most important sculpture museum in Florence and quite possibly the world . It has some of the most important pieces from some of the most important sculptors in the world . When we got there , we were able to get in for free because we were technically a " European school group . " We then also found out that the top floor was completely closed down for " unknown reasons . " We later found out that " unknown reasons " meant that there had been some minor thefts done as inside jobs and that they were being investigated . ( Was I supposed to publish that information or not ? ) The sculptures in the museum were very wonderful . I 'm sure that on my blog that I have used many different adjectives over and over again in a very tiring manner , but the truth is that they are all completely accurate . The Bargello had quite a few works that I have been studying for my entire Art History career . The ability to see Donatello 's David was very incredible . I was also able to see lots of works by Michelangelo . The only ones that I have not seen now are the ones that are in the Casa Buronotti and the two works in Milan and Bruge . After a long lunch , the group headed off to Santa Croce . The church has a lot of importantance as far as the history of Florence is concerned . Michelangelo is buried in it , and he spent time during his life studying in it . There are some very important frescoes by Giotto and the cloister ( which is amazing ) was designed by Brunelleschi . I really enjoyed the area . We went home and made it home just in time for dinner . After dinner , we listened to music with Jeffrey again . Jeffrey had us all headed down to the city very early . To get to Pistoia , it is necessary to take two buses . If the buses meet up with each other , it is called " coincidence . " If they don 't meet up , it is only necessary to walk about 10 minutes down to the place where the second bus connects . Of course because we were relying on the bus system , it dictated our schedule , and most mornings we had to be on the 8 : 17 bus fed and ready for a day of exploring . We stopped off at the old hospital to take a look at a frieze that has been done by Della Robbia 's sons . Della Robbia is well known for inventing a way to carve and glaze terra cotta so that it looked like marble . He became rich during the Renaissance using his technique because he was able to make sculpture / reliefs much faster and much cheaper than a traditional marble sculptor . His son inherited his workshop and then was able to change the technique to include many more colors . The old hospital ( it is actually still part of the hospital ) , has a really amazing frieze in terra cotta with many different colors . We evaluated it for quite a while after a nice break in the coffee shop . I had some hot chocolate that was like drinking hot pudding . It was very amazing . We then headed off to another church to look at the Renaissance architecture . It was a really amazing church . I have come to really love and appreciate Renaissance architecture . I had many doubts about going to Siena . Not because I didn 't think it would be beautiful , but I was sure that I was going to be as ill on the bus as I was when we took the bus into Florence on the way to Venice . In fact , I was looking forward to going to Siena so much . I had read a lot about it recently in a book that my Mother - In - Law had passed along to me before my trip , and the images I got from just reading that book made me very excited to spend time in Siena . The bus ride was not a problem for me . In fact , I spent most of the way asleep . Apparently , Gabriel was not feeling very well behind me , and all of the effort I had put into having things that kept me well and clean on the bus were transferred to him as he vomited in the seat behind me . It was sad , but it worked out well . I had him come sit next to me , and I took care of him for the rest of the trip there . When we got there , we took a nice little walk around the perfectly kept walls of the city . I was impressed at the fact that they were so well built that they still stood to be admired 600 years later . We stopped next to a church with a public bathroom . I didn 't have to use the bathroom , so Jeffrey told us that the church we were standing next to was a church that held the head of St . Catherine of Siena . It was an intriguing story . We have seen many , many relics on our trip so far , so I was excited to add it to the list of the ones that I had seen . It was actually very odd looking , and not very nice . The church it was in was a nice church . The modern stained glass windows made it very ugly and hard to look at because the colors were very bright and intense . After the church , we walked around Siena a bit more and went to have some coffee at a famous café called Nanini . It is famous for it 's pastries , which it exports all over Europe . I decided that it was a good time to have a pastry and some coffee ( my coffee intake has been very limited lately ) . The pastry was OK , but I can honestly say that the ones I eat on Paros are much better in my book . I ' Posted by We were going to head into Pistoia , but it turned out that there was a bus strike in Pistoia , so it was very difficult to pull off moving a group around odd bus schedules . Everything that was planned in Pistoia for the day was cancelled , and we had classes at the villa in the afternoon instead . We had the morning off , and I decided that it would be a very good time to catch up on things I needed to do like get my journal up to date . I wasn 't quite there , but I got a lot closer . I was not feeling very good , so I ended up spending the morning and part of the afternoon making potato soup that I would be able to eat . I had not been feeling well , and I was not able to eat anything that we were having for dinner . John started working on the soup , and I took over . I missed writing class because I was making soup , but I went to Drawing , Photography and Painting after . It is nice to get back in the groove , but we are reviewing things that I have heard twice already . It will be nice to be in Paros with the ability to work soon . We had a lovely dinner , but I wasn 't able to eat very much of it , so I ended up eating apples . Jeffrey talked about the things that we would need to do the next day in Siena after dinner . A student that was here when Nicole Alba and Savana Kretchmar were here came with her portfolio that she had used to complete college with . The photos were all photos that had been taken while in Pistoia and in Greece , and it was really nice to get an idea of the quality of work that had been done in the past . It was very educational . We again decided to trek off to Florence . It feels like we have been at the villa for a long time , and it feels like the days are moving very slowly , but it is just the fact that we have fit so much activity into the days . We have been only together for 12 days , but it feels like it has been much longer . The big days that we have in Florence have been amazing . My whole life I just keep running into the fact that the things that I want to see are all to be seen in Florence . Boticelli spent most of his life there , and as an avid follower of his life and his work , it has been amazing to walk the same streets that he was able to walk . The first thing we did was going to the church of Santa Maria Novella . The church is right next to the train station , so it was an easy walk to get to when we got there . Of course , we stopped for the morning coffee with Jeffrey . When we got to the church , the façade , was completely covered up and being restored , so rather than be able to lecture in front of the façade , we had to buy a postcard of it and get what details we possibly could from what we could see in the post card . The church has a graveyard around it as well as cloisters that the nuns lived in when it was an active convent . The first thing we did was walk around the cemeteries where the noblemen of Florence are buried . When we walked in , we took a look at the space of the church . It is fabulous . It is really well decorated inside , and it is the most inviting church we had been in to . The space was so inviting and the Pisan Romanesque stripes were stylized in a method that really appealed to me . I really liked the church . We spent time in the church looking at the architecture itself . I was very impressed with it . Above the main door in the back is a painting that is in the Boticelli style , and has been attributed to him . I was happy to see it . His work is more abundant than I originally thought , and that has made me very happy and filled me with surprise . We then walked up to the front of the church and looked at some rater oPosted by It was our last day in Venice , and we had the morning to ourselves . On the long ferry ride we took the first day to Burano , we ran into a photographer / architect that was taking photos on the ferry . He pointed out a place to us that didn 't have any tourists but was very pretty . We decided to spend the morning in that area taking a lot of photos . It took a little while to get there , and we were happy to be on the ferry early in the morning . It is very surprising how wonderful Venice can be in the middle of the morning with the lovely golden light shining on everything . We were surprised by the incredible authenticity of the place . There were no tourists to be found , and we saw lots of streets with Italian people and markets . There was also a lot of laundry hanging on lines between houses . We decided to walk slowly back toward the main church and then take the ferry to the hotel to get ready to go home . We walked along the waterfront looking for things to buy at tourist 's shops , and we finally just settled on eating gelato and getting on the ferry . Unfortunately , we ended up on the line that goes the opposite direction than what we were looking for , so it took us about an hour to get back . It was nice to tour the outside of Venice , and we got to look at a lot of the facades of the churches and other buildings . It was definitely worth it even though we did it by mistake . The rest of the day was spent on the train on the way to Pistoia . Dinner was again at the villa . We had vegetable soup , chicken , baked zucchini , mashed potatoes , salad , fruit , cheese . We had breakfast delivered to our room again at 8 : 00 because we needed to head off to meet Jeffrey . Christy was very tired , so I did end up eating by myself and then heading off to the market . It was a lot more set up when I got there than it had been the day before , and I spent time taking photos of the octopus , squid , tomatoes , plums , nectarines and flowers . I really enjoyed my time there alone . At the end , I ran into Christy , so we headed back together to meet the group on the middle of the Rialto Bridge . While we were waiting for the group , I just stood there watching the sun come up and the light flow over the buildings of Venice . I liked watching people on their morning commute via boat . Some of the people working on the boats amused me because they would go about driving their boats with a cell phone and cigarette in hand . I was very amused to watch it all . Jeffery spent the morning with us in a church called The Church of the Glorious Saint Mary . I really enjoyed the church . It was elaborately decorated . We got to see some paintings that I really enjoyed . We also fulfilled an Aegean Center tradition of throwing a red rose on the grave of the founder of opera music . It was really fabulous . The church was very amazing , it definitely did help me add more pieces to the puzzle I 'm working on called the Italian Renaissance . After the church , I got together with Matt , and we headed out to Torcello . We had a good boat ride together just relaxing and talking about frivolous things . When we got to Torcello , we went in one of the churches and then walked around taking photos before we ran into a group of Aegean Center students . He went up in the campanile with the group , and I stayed down and took quite a few photos . I was impressed there was such a fabulous church in such a remote location . I decided to head off to Murano and maybe look at some glass . On the way , everyone went their separate ways , so I ended up on Murano with Lindsey . We walked around for a while , but since I had spent a little time there the day befPosted by After the long morning , it was time to get up and get going again . A funny thing to think was that it was in fact the anniversary of September 11 , 2001 , and I thought to myself as I woke up in the morning that I was very glad to be in a country that wont be spending a lot of time buying in the drama of the whole thing . I took some time to remember that there was definitely some work still left to be done in the world and again vowed to renew my purpose in that . I think that was a just remembrance of the day . We were supposed to meet Jeffery at 9 : 00 at the door of the Academia . We were also told that before that if we wanted to do something interesting that we could walk to the market to take photos . Christy and I had breakfast delivered to our room at 8 : 00 , and we left early to head to the market . Venice looks amazing in the morning light , and I took photos of the local people getting up and getting ready for the day in their beloved city . The market was still setting up , but I did take photos of the vegetables and fruit in the morning sun , and I was quite happy with some of the photos that I did take . Christy and I admired the boats all going down the canal , and I watched the local people take gondolas across the river . It was very lovely . We took the boat to the Academia stop , and we ran into Liz and Jeffery in the coffee shop right next to the museum . It was fun . We spent time talking to them because we were early , when John Pack and John Van Buren showed up . I was surprised to see John because I didn 't know that he was coming . I was glad to see him though because I knew that part of the scholarship John was able to give to me was in part due to the kindness and determination of John Van Buren . He is an amazing man , and he deserved to spend time in Venice with us . I was told that he was actually going to spend the rest of the Italy session with the group , which was very nice . The Academia Museum did have some very good masterpieces in it , and we had a lot of fun looking at them . I must say that I am a FlorentinePosted by It was time to go to Venice . It is very often one of the major important parts of the Italy Semester for the Aegean Center , so we were all very excited . I had always heard very bad things about Venice about how dirty it was and how the canals were all smelly . Having my expectations very low had me very surprised when I got there because it was very amazing . We got up early and then took the coach bus from the front door of the villa to the Florence train station . I had been trying to stop taking medication for my morning sickness , so I hadn 't taken it the night before . The trip on the bus was very hard . I was sitting up front , but despite my best efforts , I was feeling very ill and unhappy . As the bus wound through the back streets of Florence , I felt very sick , and was dizzy . We finally arrived at the train station in Florence , but I was feeling very ill . We had quite a bit of time before the train was to leave , so all of the students were allowed to leave their bags with Jane , who was at the station as a guard , and they were given free reign to go and do something exciting . I was not feeling good , so I just sat in the train station with the bags and felt awful . Eventually , I did manage to get up and take a walk , but on my walk out of the train station , some man ended up spitting on me , so I had to walk to the park across the street and get that figured out . Needless to say , it was not really exciting having someone spit on me in the middle of the train station when I was not feeling well . Eventually , all of the students returned , and we ended up on the three - hour train to Venice . I was sitting with a very lively crowd , and I was playing games with them in between heading to the bathroom to throw up any attempts to eat food that day . We played a game that was a lot of fun and had a hilarious result . I will keep it in mind for future reference , but we had quite a lot of fun . I was so surprised when I stepped out of the train station in Venice and saw that canals . People were really being carted around in gondolas aPosted by We had the chance to sleep in on Saturday morning , but of course , there was an exciting alternative , which I decided not to pass up . Christy and I got up early and decided that we were going to go into the central square in Pistoia to see what the market was like . We were told that the market had been going on continuously for hundreds of years on Saturday mornings . It is a good place to go and hang out with friends , but it is also a good place to find wares and clothes for a much cheaper price than may otherwise be available . Christy and I decided to go and hang out down there and see if we could get some good photos , but we also decided to do some shopping . We got there early enough that they were actually still setting up , and we spent about an hour and a half walking through all the booths looking at clothes and jewelry and kitchen wares , etc . It was a lot of fun . I ended up buying a sweater that has long sleeves and that has a very flattering shape that I will be able to continue to take advantage of when I have a much bigger belly . At 10 : 00 , we all met at the office of the commune to go and meet with the mayor . We were taken up into the 700 - year - old building for a nice meeting . He gave us a talk in Italian about how important it is to continue quality inter - cultural communication to avoid things like 9 - 11 in the future . When we were done with the mayor , he gave us gifts of hats , pens and miniature cutouts of Pistoia . Then we went and had some good food . The afternoon was time to be off and get some things caught up . I spent some time working on my journal , but when I got tired of writing , I ended up spending the rest of my time out on a blanket next to the fountain in the back reading my book about having healthy children . It was nice to lie in the sun and talk with my friends . When the sun got lower in the sky , the wind was blowing , so Christy and I decided to take a walk around and see if we could make ourselves photographically useful . We took a walk around the outside walls of the villa where we found anotherPosted by We went to Florence for another adventure into the wonders of art that it has to hold . Jeffrey set it up so that we had a spare morning to do whatever we wanted before we were to meet at 12 : 00 for our reservation in the Uffizi . A group of us decided to get up early and head to the Academia to see the David and all the other treasures there . We took the long trip in to Florence and headed in that direction . Since we got there pretty early , the line wasn 't that long , but it was definitely a slow - moving line . We stood there for quite a while waiting to get in , and we were finally able to manage it . I was told that there was a lot of things to see in the museum , but it was smaller than I thought . We were immediately filtered into a room with about 8 unfinished sculptures by Michelangelo . At the end of the room , was a dome with the David sitting in it . The image of that sculpture stole my attention even though I was trying to look at the other works . I finally decided to pay attention to the demanding sculpture before looking at and evaluating the others . I was quite thrilled to see the David . I had just finished reading Michelangelo 's autobiography by Irving Stone , and it seemed that the creation of the David was so important to him as an artist . I think that it really deserved the place that it got . There were a lot of people there looking at it , but it was worth the crowd . I was so moved by the experience of being there that I was almost in tears . I was in the room with a living , breathing piece of art from 500 years ago . In fact , we went to see it on the 502 anniversary of it 's unveiling by the artist himself . When I return to Florence after this trip , I will be visiting the David again . When my attention had been sucked dry by the masterpiece that is the David , I was able to look at and evaluate the unfinished works by Michelangelo from different projects . I got to see a lot of the unfinished figures that were to go on to Pope Julius ' tomb . I also got to see the first unfinished sculpture that he was commiPosted by I had talked to Liz about getting up early at some point and going down to look at the beautiful light of Pistoia . I was excited when she announced that this was going to be the day . We met earlier than all the other students and headed off on the bus together . It was nice to see the photo group together , but I must say that it is a lot bigger than it has been in other semesters , so it may be interesting trying to vie for time with Liz . I 'm sure that I will be able to manage though . The photo class walked around Pistoia for a while looking at the way that the light hit different buildings in different light . We then spent quite a bit of time evaluating and photographing two particular subjects . I eventually convinced Liz to take us to the food market . Even though the lighting wasn 't the best , it was fun to take some candid shots of people as they buy and sell food . I enjoyed my time there . The class then headed off to the photo store called Foto Lux in Pistoia . We met Jeffrey later on in the morning in front of one of the churches . He took us in . It was a very simple church . I liked the feel of it though . It wasn 't big and full of ornate things , but it gave the feel of a holy place and the art in it was fabulous . One thing of note was the masterpiece of Della Robia . Della Robia carves things out of terra cotta and then glazes it to look like marble . The sculpture that we saw by him was really nice . When we left the church , we went to another building that has been turned into a museum . It used to be a church , and in a recent restoration , it was discovered that there were some really amazing frescoes . They were well preserved . We spent quite a bit of time looking at them and trying to make out the scenes that they depicted . We headed up to the villa at about 13 : 00 . Lunch looked really good , but of course I was not feeling well , so apples became the lunch for me . After lunch , we had more basic lectures in writing , drawing , photography and art history . Dinner was corn grits and mushrooms , fish , chicken , carrots , potaPosted by We spent the day in Pisa . We had studied so much about other art in the area that I had completely forgotten that I was going to see the leaning tower of Pisa as well . I got really excited about that on the way there . It was of course a very early start as usual on the days that we go out away from Pistoia . We have to catch two different buses to get to the train station and then take the train for an hour or so to get to our destination . Of course , because we want to see as much as possible , we start out early and stay as late as possible . When we got to Pisa , we got out of the train station and got a chance to look around . Since we walk around the cities we visit and don 't use public transportation ( because all the things we want to see are near the center anyway ) , we took a long walk through the city on the way to the Duomo . Of course , along our long walk , we all stopped to get some coffee , use a bathroom , eat pastries and stock up for lunch . We stopped at a café that Jane swears has the best pastries in the world . She doesn 't eat wheat , but once a year she makes an exception when the school stops at that café , and she has something to eat . I decided that I should be trying it out as well , so I had a pastry . It was pretty good , but being pregnant doesn 't help with my tastes , so I have to reserve judgment on things I 'm not craving until I 'm no longer pregnant . On our walk , I got a chance to take some photos . We walked over the river , and that was a beautiful view . Mostly , I was using my Woca , but I do still have some digital shots to work with . Eventually , we ended up at the Duomo . The Leaning " Tower " of Pisa is in fact just the campanile ( bell tower ) for the church . We walked around the church and got to take a good look at the tower , the church and the baptistery . They are all very beautiful in style , and it was in fact the building that paved the way for a new style of architecture called Pisa Romanesque . The main features are rounded arches with green and white candy stripes . It sounds really dumPosted by It was another day in Pistoia . The program alternates one day in Pistoia and one day out in the world touring . We headed off in the morning to town with Jeffrey . When we were in Pistoia the first day , we were not able to see the altar for the Duomo , and we did not see one of the other churches . That was the mission to be accomplished for the day . We spent a lot of time in front of the altar , and it was beautiful . The altar contains a relic of the finger bone of one of the important saints . It put Pistoia on the pilgrimage map to have such a relic , so Pistoia made the appropriate response of building a very expensive altar for it . The altar is made of pure silver , and is about six feet wide and nine feet tall . I wish that I had a photo of it , because it is fantastic . It contains stories from the life of Christ as well as from the life of the saint whose relics it contains . We spent a lot of time in the room with Jeffrey going over the stories and the quality of the workmanship . I 'm glad that Pistoia made the decision to commission the work because it is very beautiful . After that , we headed over to another church . It was a small and minor church , but it is nice to experience churches of different caliber when you are walking around learning about the history of a culture . Even though the church was small and private feeling , it had a lot of great works of art . We spent a lot of time looking at and evaluating the pulpit that has been made by Giovanni Pisano . It was beautiful . We got some other time to look around the church , and I must say that I would have been happy to worship in it if I were a Catholic Pistoian . After our trip with Jeffrey , everyone headed home . I started to conceive the idea that I am going to use for my journal , and I got to work on it . In the afternoon , we had classes . Liz taught the basics of photography and then Jane taught us all how to draw circles and straight lines . Of course I need more practice . Drawing is like torture to me , but I must overcome that feeling and be able to do it with sPosted by The program definitely starts out with a bang . We had only been at the villa for a day and a half , and we were already off on our first adventure in Florence . What a day it was . As usual on these adventures , we had to get up early to catch the bus that connects with the next bus that then connects to the train that goes to Florence . I was tired , but I figured I would be able to manage . I had been not taking my Unisom , and I was definitely suffering the consequences . When we got to Florence , Jeffrey of course stopped off at the local coffee shop . I ended up buying a sandwich that I was sure was going to be my lunch , but that really ended up being my after breakfast snack . I got a chance to visit with Darla while we ate . When we were done with the coffee , it was time to get down to business . We got a chance to stand outside the Duomo and Baptistery in Florence . The whole group got to stand up very close and touch the bronze doors on three sides of the Baptistery . We got to see copies of what Michelangelo named the " doors to Paradise , " and which I would absolutely agree . After looking at the outside , we went to see the things in the Museum of the Works of the Duomo . The museum stands where the work yard for the Duomo used to stand . It is the place that the block stood for so many years before Michelangelo was asked to turn it into the David . It was also the place that he then stood and carved the years while he was making the David . It seemed to be a sacred workshop to me because it was the area where such a wonderful work of art was stored . The museum had a million things in it that were complete masterpieces . You would have to look a complete listing of the things up online . I was able to see the Deposition that Michelangelo was carving for his own tomb , which was very memorable . I also got to see a pulpit by Donatello and one by Nicolo Pisano . Donatello had some other sculptures in the museum , which were nice . The museum also had many drawings and other tools that had been used to make the dome . Brunelleshi himsPosted by We got up in the morning and took the bus to Pistoia . The idea was to show us all around and tell us where the main and important things were . We found the Internet café , the coffee shop , the bus stops , the chocolate shop , the main churches and places of interest , and the piazza where the market is held . We went on a tour of the main church , the Duomo as well as the baptistery for the Duomo . I learned a lot about the history of Pistoia . It is such a nice , quiet town , and I was so surprised to see no tourists . It was very easy to navigate , and I am so glad that the Aegean Center uses it as its home in Italy . We came back in time to have some really good lunch at the villa . The rest of the afternoon was spent in classes doing orientation and going over the general syllabi of the classes . Dinner was , of course , very wonderful , and I was honored to be at the table eating such a delicious Tuscan meal with such good company . Neither Christy or I were able to sleep , so we were up early and ready to head to the train station to take the train . When we got our tickets the night before , I learned that I was going to have to pay a very stiff fee unless I wanted to take the slow train . Christy agreed to come with me , and was able to take the train for less than half the price of the fast one . John strongly recommended not taking the slow train , but I learned quickly that it wasn 't such a bad idea . I was able to take a look at the scenery around me , and it only took twice as long as the fast train . It wasn 't bad for a free trip for me and a price - reduced trip for Christy . We were both tired from the night before , but we were able to make good conversation along the way . When we finally got to Florence , we hopped the next train to Pistoia . I was positive that there were going to be other students on the train with us , but I didn 't see anyone there with us . We took the short train journey and were able to quickly get off in Pistoia . At the train station , I didn 't see any taxis right away , and there was another student sitting there waiting for one . I asked if both her ( Darla ) and Christy were interested in trying to take the bus . I went over to the bus station and was able to get information . There was a bus going to the villa shortly , so we went and got on it with no problem . We were dropped at the villa door , and it was really amazing . I recognized the villa from photos at the school , but it was truly a Tuscan Italian villa . I was happy . As we started to walk up the drive , Morgan and Gabriel came running down to help with the luggage . It was good to finally be at the villa . I was able to say hi to both Liz and John , and there was a full spread of food available to partake of . I sat and talked for a long while with Liz . I told her the secret I had been keeping from her about being pregnant , and she was very happy . She told me that she had noticed in my last interactions with Jared that we had a very good relationship and that I was a vePosted by I woke up in the morning with a smile on my face chanting , " I will be in Rome today , I leave for Rome today . " I was very excited . It was finally the end of my personal vacation that was also acting in many ways as a tragedy . I vowed at the end that it was always better to travel with a companion . It makes it much easier to get out of sticky or frustrating problems , and you have someone to laugh things off with and bounce ideas off . It is also nice to be able to talk about a work of art that you are interested in or even to talk in general . The future travels with have Jared and our child if not friends to guide us on our way as well . I got on the train and made it to Rome late . When I left the station , I decided to walk toward the hostel . Halfway there , I had decided I was going the wrong way , so I turned around . I then started to look for Kathy 's hotel , which I was very surprised to find in a very easy location . She had gone out to pick up Morgan , so I had to find my own hostel . Many hours later , I ended up just following the directions of the paper I had from the place with directions . After many kilometers of walking , I was there finally . I dropped my stuff off and made it back to Kathy 's . She still wasn 't home from being out , so I waited . She came eventually with Morgan , and it was really nice to finally see her . We ended up having coffee over good conversation and then did a little shopping . After that , I walked back to my hostel and sat and waited for Christy . I met some nice other people that were also traveling , but I was just waiting for Christy . When she finally did some , we ended up going out for coffee , walking to the station to get tickets and then heading back to the hostel for a night of no sleep and lots of excitement for the trip to Pistoia the next day . |
John recently became enrolled in an online college degree program offered by BYU Idaho called Pathway . For one of his classes , he has had various writing assignments . Since we 've never heard from John here on my blog , I thought it would be fun to post the experience he wrote about . Here 's John . . . . . : ) I had promised the kids a picnic on Saturday . I had to work 4 hours that morning so we got a late start . We borrowed a truck and picked up my 80 y / o Dad who accompanied us while Mom stayed home to get some rest and recuperate from her miscarriage . The kids wanted to go to an abandoned train tunnel some 25 miles from home in a remote area of the mountains . On the way up there , one of the 7 y / o twins , out of the blue said , " I know what we can do if we get a flat tire , we can use this can of FixAFlat " . . . . . I congratulated him on being so observant and smart . We had a great time at the tunnel and the river next to it . The kids fell in the river the requisite number of times , we got sand in our food , played with moss in the river , floated pieces of wood down the river , fell on the rocks and got scrapped , all the usual things you would want on a fun outing with the kids . On the way back , suddenly we heard the sickening whoosh , whoosh , whoosh sound of a punctured tire . We pulled over to the side of the dirt road to change the tire but as I got out , I heard another sound of air escaping . . . . . . Sure enough , we had two tires going flat . With only one spare , facing a 20 + mile hike back to civilization , one of the kids forgetting his shoes back at the river ( Mom wasn 't there so we weren 't organized . . . . ) , and knowing that virtually no one traveled this road , the initial response was panic . I said a silent prayer and then I remembered " I know what we can do if we get a flat tire , we can use this can of FixAFlat " . I asked the twin to bring me the can of FixAFlat he had seen . We put it in the tire with the slower leak and then set about to change the other tire . As the kids had never experienced changing a tire , it occurred to me that this would be a great chance to teach them all the necessary steps on how to do so . I wish I had taken a picture of the four little kids huddled around the tire taking off , and putting on the lug nuts as well as their awe as they saw how the spare tire was lowered from under the pickup . 45 minutes lFast forward to Sunday - My wife asks me to take her Primary class and the lesson is on the Holy Ghost . It hits me . . . . The twin was prompted by the Holy Ghost to make the comment about the FixAFlat . . . . . . I sat down with him to explain this to him . He was pleasantly surprised about being part of the larger plan and then the next revelation comes and I asked : What would have happened if Dad would have been mad ( ungrateful ) about the flat tire ? Who would I have been mad at ? His answer - Jesus . Then this lesson on Gratitude . So what am I grateful for ? I don 't even know where to begin . It 's been so long since I 've written anything meaningful . But writing has always been therapeutic for me , perhaps because it 's a way of releasing creativity and emotion at the same time . So let me start with the musical . Six weeks ago I was asked to play the piano for the school musical . The school musical is no small thing . I knew this because I had played for Seven Brides for Seven Brothers three years ago . The students , teachers and community volunteers put in from 80 to 100 hours , or even more in some cases , in a six week period to put on the production . At the time , I had a nursing baby and many other young children , and just the babysitting alone cost me over $ 500 over the course of the rehearsals and performances . Although it was incredibly rewarding , I had had no idea of the toil and time that would be involved and I told myself I would never do it again . Fast forward three years . I was in my kitchen , peacefully going about my business when I received a frantic phone call that the pianist who can committed to play for the musical had suddenly bailed at the last minute , and was there any way I could come that afternoon and fill in until they could find someone else . I went to the school , and as I sat there at the piano , I knew I had to do this . Two of my kids were in the play , various women with no children in the school were helping , and so why couldn 't I ? My little boys were old enough to sit during the rehearsals and do their homework and play some games on our electronic devices , so yes , I would do it ! I went home and told John what had happened . I reminded him of the sacrifice our family would be making : floors unswept , dishes undone , frantic simple dinners prepared , little time for anything else but the musical for the next six weeks . The dear man readily agreed to support me . Things were going well for the first week . I began to bond with the music director in a way we hadn 't before , which was rewarding , and I was enjoying getting to know the students . The little boys behaved unbelievably well during the rehearsals and I just knew I was going to have the time of my life for the next six weeks , working with my two teenagers , getting to know people I hadn 't before , and creating something amazing , that evokes emotion for hundreds of people , out of nothing . At the beginning of the next week , however , something happened that would drastically change everything . I was cleaning up lunch and I suddenly realized I had not had my monthly telltale sign . I was a week late . I had been so busy at the school , I hadn 't even noticed . Since I stock dozens of pregnancy tests I buy from the Dollar Store for the local women , I flippantly decided I 'd just go take a test after I clean the kitchen . I probably had the date wrong . I hadn 't gotten pregnant for three years . Why would I be so now ? The minute after these thoughts went through my mind , my heart suddenly started pounding and I knew , I knew , that I was pregnant . I gave Baby Hippo his device that he gets to play for a few minutes before naptime ( By the way , he will no long go by Baby Hippo , as he is now five years old , and a normal weight . He will henceforth by known as the 5 - year - old boy ) . and quickly went to the bathroom with test in hand . I laid it on the counter when I was finished , then went to put a log of wood on the fire , because I love to take a nap in the winter with a small fire going in the fireplace by my bed . When I went back to the counter , there were two lines on the test . My heart seemed to seize and leap at the same time , so various were the emotions I felt as I saw those two lines . Then I looked at the box again , because I momentarily couldn 't remember what two lines meant , although I did know , I just couldn 't believe it . I was pregnant . For the twelve time . Ironically , just the week before , I had had two friends over who wanted to learn to make bread . One of them had a baby , and as I watched her struggle with him , I told them both , " Every time I 'm around someone with a baby , I feel soooo glad I don 't have a baby . " That being said , a rush of gratitude came into my heart and I immediately knelt down in front of the fire place where it was so warm , and thanked God for the blessing he had given me , the chance to have another child , to be the mother and guardian of eleven beautiful spirits . I was ecstatic . I didn 't know how or when I would tell John , though . We had lost two babies three and a half and three years ago , both at seven weeks , so I wasn 't sure this one would stay . Should I wait to tell him or should I have him involved from the very beginning ? The choice would be made for me the next day . John and I needed to do some shopping at the border town three hours away , so we loaded the kids up and began the journey . While we were driving , John began a conversation we had started a while ago and about what kind of vehicle we were going to purchase . Our fifteen passenger van was on its last leg and we had said that when the 18 - year - old boy left for his mission , we would get an eight - passenger SUV , which , by the way , is so much cooler than a 15 - passenger van . John asked if this was still the plan . It all of a sudden occurred to me that this could no longer be the plan . I said , " Um . Well . That 's really not going to work for us now . " His quick mind immediately grasped my meaning and asked , " Are you pregnant ? ? ? " " Yes ! " I said . He then went into John mode , saying , " Okay . at the auctions my uncle has been telling me about , you can get a 15 - passenger van for about $ 11 , 000 . " He went on in this vein until I finally asked , " Well , are you happy ? " He said , " Yes ! Of course ! And I hope it 's twins ! " I was so happy . There is so much more I want to tell you . I want to tell you how I told my mom . I want to share more feelings with you . But there is just too much to write . But the next part I must tell you . I am not going to take the time to write it out like I would have had I known I would be posting it to this blog , but I 'm going to copy the letter I wrote to the 18 - year - old boy on his mission . It was figuratively scrawled out quickly between answering the door , taking phone calls , answering emails , and responding to countless Facebook messages and comments , all while trying to process all that had happened on our way home from the border town . Here is the letter and accompanying photos . . . . . So , on Saturday we had to go to El Paso to watch Landon play a game against Cathedral , which is the all - boy Catholic school . It was also the twins ' birthday , so we decided to take them to the zoo and shopping for presents . The boys lost pathetically , only scoring like 14 points , but Landon made like 5 of them or so ! Can you believe it ? It was pretty awesome . But Bro , Hatch saw that I wasn 't watching the game and that I missed seeing one of Landon 's shots , so he sent his grandson , Caleb , over to me to tell me that I needed to stop gossiping with Cade and watch my son play ! I think Bro . Hatch just needs to worry about coaching his team . So anyways , we took the kids to the zoo and shopping and eventually loaded up the van to go home . I had also bought a new laptop , had a huge number of oils in a bag from the mail , and John had purchased many things , including 8 wheels for work , a BlueRay DVD player and $ 600 worth of groceries . So we got a late start heading home . It got dark quickly , which we don 't like , but we just couldn 't get things done on time . It 's about 7 : 00 by this time and we 're cruising along at about 70 MPH , which is our normal speed . Cars are oncoming and some have their brights on , so it 's hard to see . All of sudden , just as a car is about to pass us , I see the silhouette of two huge cows exactly in our lane in front of us . I say silhouette because we couldn 't see them with our headlights because we were somewhat blinded by the oncoming traffic . So I scream , " THERE ' S A COW ! ! ! ! " And the split second later , we hit it going about 70 MPH . I didn 't see it hit our windshield , but I heard the sickening sound of metal and glass crunching and then we were stopped and my glasses were down around my chin . ( I would later learn that it was the airbag that had knocked down my glasses , although I never saw or felt it . ) It was all so fast . I put my glasses back on and turned around and said , " Is everyone okay ? " Some of the kids started crying , but before I could see if everyone was all right , John yelled , " EVERYONE GET OUT OF THE VAN ! ! ! NOW ! ! NOW ! ! ! " I didn 't know why . I didn 't know if we were about to get hit by someone else going 70 MPH or if the van was going to explode or what , but I jumped out as fast as I could . Claire had the presence of mind to get Daniel unbuckled and all of the kids jumped out at the same time . Johnny was crying and his lip was bleeding and swollen to the size of a small sausage . I told the kids to get far away from the road , to follow me , but Claire was just standing there . I said , " Claire , come on ! " She said , " Mom , I don 't have my shoes on ! " And I told her to just run anyway , that the van was going to explode . She said tWe were probably sitting there for about ten minutes watching John trying to put the fire out , but then he came up to us and said that he couldn 't get the fire out and that the van was probably going to blow , so we should move very far away . So I picked up Claire again , and we ran about a football field 's length away . We sat there , the kids sitting on my lap , and Claire standing , and watched our van become engulfed in flames . Claire cried as we watched it burn , saying it was just so disturbing and upsetting to see our van in flames that way . There was a series of explosions as each tire blew , the battery , the gas tank , but no one was hurt . Many emergency vehicles started showing up , Federales , municipales , bomberos and ambulances . Everyone was so kind to us . One of the Federales took off his coat and put it on Daniel . A random driver waiting for the van to burn so he could pass through gave me his jacket . The ambulance drivers gave us many blankets and more coats . I kept looking at the van , watching it burn , thinking how amazing it was that all of us survived . The thoughts would come into my mind about all the stuff I was watching burn , my purse , with the pass cards in it , my lap top , the new lap top I just bought , my iPhone , iPod , iPad , all of our food , the music for the musical , which costs $ 300 to replace , but I just kept saying to myself , It 's okay . It all can be replaced . All of us are okay , and it 's a miracle . Then , what to my surprise , Landon and some of his friends from the basketball team walk up to us . Apparently they had been a few cars behind , just stuck in traffic , waiting for the firemen to put the fire out and let them clear . They were quite annoyed with whatever " stupid driver left his van to just burn in the middle of the road . " They were teasing Landon , " Yeah , Dude ! That 's probably your van ! hahahah ! " Well , after the flames got put out , the bus driver decided to let them go see the wreckage , and then one of the boys said , " Dude Landon ! That 's your dad ! " John saw Landon at the same time and wavedWe were so lucky and so blessed and we certainly have a new perspective on life . Things could have ended so differently . The Lord is good . As you can well imagine , dealing with the aftermath of this accident was an emotional challenge . And for John , it was a physical challenge as well , as his shins endured severe abrasions , bruising and swelling , as they took the brunt of the collapse of the front dash . We had trouble sleeping for many nights and we wondered if our new baby , the size of a sesame seed , had survived the ordeal . I knew that I would know in a matter of time , so I choose not to see the doctor at this time . When I returned to play practice , I told the music director that I had discovered I was pregnant a few days before and her face showed immediate concern . She is a mother of seven grown boys , and knows how difficult early pregnancy can be . She became even more concerned when I told her of my previous miscarriages . She worried that I might go through a miscarriage during the six - week rehearsal period . She felt like maybe she should find someone else . I told her no , that I would be okay . I knew how to handle my morning sickness and if I did lose the baby , I would bounce back quickly . She agreed to have me continue to assist her . This second week of practice , everything went fine , until Saturday night . Right before turning into bed , I saw pink blood . I audibly gasped and felt immediate devastation . I came out of the bathroom and told John . His face fell and he hugged me and said how sorry he was . I asked him for a priesthood blessing and after he gave me one , we were both comforted . I waited for the heavy bleeding and the cramping to come , but it never did . Nothing else happened . No more blood . No cramping . Of course I pored over articles on the internet to try to find out what it all meant , I talked to other moms and I prayed . The advice I latched onto was that I needed rest . This is not something I 'm good at , but I wanted so much to keep this baby , so I asked John to go to the house of the lady who sometimes helps us , Esther , and ask if she could come for a couple of hours every day to help with the cleaning until we could find out what I knew immediately what I must do . My normal inclination would have been to leave the doctor 's office and let the baby come when it would . I knew my doctor wouldn 't like that idea , but it is what I would have done . I would have scheduled the D & C , then called back later to cancel it and let my baby come in its own due time . But the musical was in three days . What if she started to come during one of the performances ? I could make preparations for the blood , but could I deal with the pain ? No , I could not . Not during three - hour performances where I would need every once of concentration . So I went to John 's office . I called him from the parking lot and asked him if this was a good time for me to come up . He sounded so happy to know that I was there , and said of course it was . I picked up the ultrasound picture that said " Bebe aborto " and the list of doctor 's instructions in Spanish , and went up the stairs . He immediately saw the ultrasound picture in my hand and concern spread across his face . This was the first time I had ever been to visit him randomly in his office . I told him that the baby didn 't make it . His face fell . He came over to the side of his desk where I was and hugged me . He didn 't say anything for a while , and then he said he was sorry . I said I was sorry to . So I made the appointment for the D & C for that night . And I didn 't call later to cancel it . I had left play practice for my appointment , and when I came back , and began playing the piano , the music director looked at me with concern , and asked if everything went okay . I was playing the piano , and there were many students in the vicinity , so I just smiled and nodded . After my song was over , I sat down next to her and didn 't say anything . She then turned to me again , and said , " So everything is okay ? Everything went okay ? " Then I told her the truth . I had to repeat myself because she had a hard time processing it . I told her that I would go get the D & C that evening and that I would be back for rehearsal the next day . By this time we were having six hour rehearsals every day . She looked at me aghast and said that under no circumstances was I to come back the next day , that if I really wanted to do what was right and be there for the kids , that I would make sure I was healthy for the actual performances . She said that missing practices was not a big deal , but being too sick to perform because I hadn 't recovered correctly would be much worse . I finally agreed . I then walked across campus to where the 14 - year - old boy was playing a football game . Everyone in town was there , or so it seemed , people who I hadn 't seen for a week or two , and everyone asked , with a cheerful smile , how my pregnancy was going . If they asked in front of many people , I lied and said everything was fine . And this is not me . I loathe lying . I try never to do it , but I didn 't know what else to do . Finally someone asked me privately , and I told her the truth . I then went to find one of my best friends , who was selling concessions for the booster club , and pulled her aside and told her . Other people came up to me randomly , and asked how my pregnancy was going , and if there were many people around , I lied again , and if we were in private , I told them the truth . It was excruciating . My baby was lying dead inside me and I was having to look into the eyeWhen I arrived at the hospital , John was already there with a calming smile on his face . I was assigned a bed and the tech came in and began prepping me for the procedure . He attempted to put a needle in my vein to get blood for lab work , then to attach the IV , but he didn 't succeed the first time . If at first you don 't succeed , try , try again . And he did . John was sitting on the sofa bed beside mine watching . After he attached the vile that was to go to the lab to the needle , filled it up , then removed it , apparently he had made no plan to stop my blood from continuing to flow once the vile was removed . So my blood began forcefully pumping out of the back of my hand onto the floor . It was pumping in spurts . I watched in fascination , thinking , " There is all my blood , going down onto the floor . " He became flustered when he realized what was happening and quickly asked John to come and help him . John got up , took the offered vile , and the tech finally was able to stop my blood from being spilled all over the floor . After he left , John and I laughed , saying that that was the sloppiest job we 'd ever seen and that he was lucky that John was there to help ! Then we waited and waited some more . I thought I would message a few people to let them know what had happened . One friend I messaged works with her husband in the big town , and said they would be right over . These were the same friends who came to visit me in the hospital when this same procedure was done three years ago . I felt so comforted that I would see them again before going into the delivery room . They arrived only minutes before I was wheeled out , though , but it was still a blessing to have been able to feel of their love before I went in . I said goodbye to John and suggested that this would probably be a good time for him to go home and get the kids , as I knew I wouldn 't be out for at least another 45 minutes . Earlier in the day John has suggested that we bring the kids to visit me in the hospital . I knew it would be an uncomfortable and perhaps difficult experience for them , but he suggested that it might be good closure , since they would probably have a difficult time understanding and processing what had happened . I felt like this was a wonderful idea . So he kissed me goodbye and I was wheeled to the delivery room . I don 't like that they do this procedure in the delivery room , because I was there before , giving birth to a big , beautiful baby boy five years earlier , and it brought up so many of the amazing memories a mother feels when she gives birth . I looked at the incubator my baby boy had been in . I remembered when my doula had told me while he was crowning that she could see his hair , and that it was black . I remembered that " gloriously empty " feeling of just having a baby , when all the pain is over and there is nothing but joy and elation . None of that would happen for me now . The anesthesiologist entered the room . He is a wonderful , caring man , as most anesthesiologists are . He has a tender smile and comforting eyes and constantly reassured me . When he was finished with the insertion of the epidural , I looked at my heart rate and noticed that it was faster than usual at 88 beats for minute . HeI spent the next three days at school , and in bed and when all of the performances were over and were a huge success , I felt like I could finally let go physically and emotionally . I stayed in bed most of the day on Saturday . I cried most of the night . And on Sunday , I felt better . I attended church , hosted a large family dinner , then slept some more . As I write this , I feel nearly fully recovered , six days later , but I know I need to ease into things carefully . I 've been on partial bed rest for four weeks now and I know it 's going to take a while to get up to my normal and preferred speed . The kids have spring break this week , so I won 't have to worry about schedules . The house will fall to pieces , I know this , but it will be wonderful to do what we want , when we want and just be together as a family . I keep wondering why this all happened during this six - week period of time I had decided to dedicate to the musical , a time that I had known would be taxing in just a normal situation . The discovery of the pregnancy , the explosion of the van , the three weeks of partial bed rest and finally the saddening and disappointing news of the loss of our sweet baby and the subsequent procedure . I have wondered if it was to teach my kids and the kids who knew of my situation in the musical perseverance . I have wondered if we were to learn to place our lives in God 's hand and to accept his will in all things . I have wondered if the kids were supposed to experience loss to prepare them for the bigger losses they will inevitably experience at some point later in life . All I know is that I hope I can learn all that God wants me to learn during this journey . In a church meeting I attended this weekend , we were taught that God 's plan for us is perfect . I have thought about that a lot . Our lives our difficult , sometimes even full of many burdens to be born , but this is His plan for us . He designs each of our lives as a perfect fit to our individual spirits to help us grow and be refined into the people He wants us to become . It is uAs always , thanks for listening . : ) I miss you and I hope to write more in the near future . Have a wonderful week . Over the course of the past couple of years , a lot has changed . I 'll probably go into all that gradually . But the reason for this post is related to one of my new endeavors . I now have a bakery . And one of my items , the multi - grain bread , has become internationally renowned , meaning that it is popular in a few of the small Mexican towns in my vicinity and in the U . S . border town where I visit my mom regularly . That being said , because this summer has become filled with wonderful , time - consuming and amazing events , one of which includes the wedding of the beautiful 19 - year - old girl , I have temporarily closed the bakery , thus , leaving people in the surrounding towns desperately seeking solutions to the problem of lacking fresh multi - grain bread . Some people have said that they would literally die without it . Some have offered to pay twice it 's worth . Some have threatened to discontinue to speak to me in a civil tone . Thus , in an effort to offer a solution of sorts to this grave problem , I will now post the recipe for my internationally renowned multi - grain bread . Don 't worry , I 'm not giving away a centuries - old family secret , such as on Seinfeld 's " The Soup Nazi " . I got this recipe at www . allrecipes . com , but just tweaked it a little . As a side note , many have also asked for my internationally renowned chocolate chip cookie recipe . This is also no secret . It is on the back of the yellow Nestle chocolate chips bag . 1 cup other flour . I usually use maseca or American corn meal , but you can use any flour . I 've used quinoa , and white bean flour . Whatev . 8 cups white flour , sometimes more , sometimes less . 1 . Bring water and oats to a boil . Add honey and butter . Let sit for one hour . 3 . Add oatmeal mixture , whole wheat flour , other flour , seeds , and salt . 4 . Start mixing , and add the white flour while it 's mixing . 5 . Knead for 15 minutes . The dough should be a little sticky , to where when you dump it out of the Bosch , it sticks to the middle , but not the sides . 8 cups of white flour usually does it for me . 8 . Bake at 350 for about 35 to 40 minutes . I like to brush mine with egg and sprinkle it with seeds before it bakes . It 's beautiful like that . 9 . Let cool on racks . Hello everyone ! Just wanted to share that Flirty Aprons is having an awesome sale today only , on Cyber Monday . Everything is 45 % off . Click HERE to go to the site . Enter the code CYBERMONDAY at checkout . I 'm getting this one ! ! ! ! Remember , the sale ends today ! ! I 'm a Mormon American , mostly vegetarian housewife raising 10 AWESOME kids , including twin toddlers and a newborn , in a tiny farm town in Mexico . I 've reluctantly traveled the survivor road when my first husband , and first love , committed suicide in 2004 , leaving me a widow with 6 children . Since then , however , I have found happiness , now that I 'm remarried , to my soul mate , and about the smartest man on the planet . He totally supports me and reads my blog everyday , possibly because he knows that every night I 'm going to ask him if he did . Follow us as I try to find humor and excitement in the everyday affairs of running a home ! |
John recently became enrolled in an online college degree program offered by BYU Idaho called Pathway . For one of his classes , he has had various writing assignments . Since we 've never heard from John here on my blog , I thought it would be fun to post the experience he wrote about . Here 's John . . . . . : ) I had promised the kids a picnic on Saturday . I had to work 4 hours that morning so we got a late start . We borrowed a truck and picked up my 80 y / o Dad who accompanied us while Mom stayed home to get some rest and recuperate from her miscarriage . The kids wanted to go to an abandoned train tunnel some 25 miles from home in a remote area of the mountains . On the way up there , one of the 7 y / o twins , out of the blue said , " I know what we can do if we get a flat tire , we can use this can of FixAFlat " . . . . . I congratulated him on being so observant and smart . We had a great time at the tunnel and the river next to it . The kids fell in the river the requisite number of times , we got sand in our food , played with moss in the river , floated pieces of wood down the river , fell on the rocks and got scrapped , all the usual things you would want on a fun outing with the kids . On the way back , suddenly we heard the sickening whoosh , whoosh , whoosh sound of a punctured tire . We pulled over to the side of the dirt road to change the tire but as I got out , I heard another sound of air escaping . . . . . . Sure enough , we had two tires going flat . With only one spare , facing a 20 + mile hike back to civilization , one of the kids forgetting his shoes back at the river ( Mom wasn 't there so we weren 't organized . . . . ) , and knowing that virtually no one traveled this road , the initial response was panic . I said a silent prayer and then I remembered " I know what we can do if we get a flat tire , we can use this can of FixAFlat " . I asked the twin to bring me the can of FixAFlat he had seen . We put it in the tire with the slower leak and then set about to change the other tire . As the kids had never experienced changing a tire , it occurred to me that this would be a great chance to teach them all the necessary steps on how to do so . I wish I had taken a picture of the four little kids huddled around the tire taking off , and putting on the lug nuts as well as their awe as they saw how the spare tire was lowered from under the pickup . 45 minutes lFast forward to Sunday - My wife asks me to take her Primary class and the lesson is on the Holy Ghost . It hits me . . . . The twin was prompted by the Holy Ghost to make the comment about the FixAFlat . . . . . . I sat down with him to explain this to him . He was pleasantly surprised about being part of the larger plan and then the next revelation comes and I asked : What would have happened if Dad would have been mad ( ungrateful ) about the flat tire ? Who would I have been mad at ? His answer - Jesus . Then this lesson on Gratitude . So what am I grateful for ? I don 't even know where to begin . It 's been so long since I 've written anything meaningful . But writing has always been therapeutic for me , perhaps because it 's a way of releasing creativity and emotion at the same time . So let me start with the musical . Six weeks ago I was asked to play the piano for the school musical . The school musical is no small thing . I knew this because I had played for Seven Brides for Seven Brothers three years ago . The students , teachers and community volunteers put in from 80 to 100 hours , or even more in some cases , in a six week period to put on the production . At the time , I had a nursing baby and many other young children , and just the babysitting alone cost me over $ 500 over the course of the rehearsals and performances . Although it was incredibly rewarding , I had had no idea of the toil and time that would be involved and I told myself I would never do it again . Fast forward three years . I was in my kitchen , peacefully going about my business when I received a frantic phone call that the pianist who can committed to play for the musical had suddenly bailed at the last minute , and was there any way I could come that afternoon and fill in until they could find someone else . I went to the school , and as I sat there at the piano , I knew I had to do this . Two of my kids were in the play , various women with no children in the school were helping , and so why couldn 't I ? My little boys were old enough to sit during the rehearsals and do their homework and play some games on our electronic devices , so yes , I would do it ! I went home and told John what had happened . I reminded him of the sacrifice our family would be making : floors unswept , dishes undone , frantic simple dinners prepared , little time for anything else but the musical for the next six weeks . The dear man readily agreed to support me . Things were going well for the first week . I began to bond with the music director in a way we hadn 't before , which was rewarding , and I was enjoying getting to know the students . The little boys behaved unbelievably well during the rehearsals and I just knew I was going to have the time of my life for the next six weeks , working with my two teenagers , getting to know people I hadn 't before , and creating something amazing , that evokes emotion for hundreds of people , out of nothing . At the beginning of the next week , however , something happened that would drastically change everything . I was cleaning up lunch and I suddenly realized I had not had my monthly telltale sign . I was a week late . I had been so busy at the school , I hadn 't even noticed . Since I stock dozens of pregnancy tests I buy from the Dollar Store for the local women , I flippantly decided I 'd just go take a test after I clean the kitchen . I probably had the date wrong . I hadn 't gotten pregnant for three years . Why would I be so now ? The minute after these thoughts went through my mind , my heart suddenly started pounding and I knew , I knew , that I was pregnant . I gave Baby Hippo his device that he gets to play for a few minutes before naptime ( By the way , he will no long go by Baby Hippo , as he is now five years old , and a normal weight . He will henceforth by known as the 5 - year - old boy ) . and quickly went to the bathroom with test in hand . I laid it on the counter when I was finished , then went to put a log of wood on the fire , because I love to take a nap in the winter with a small fire going in the fireplace by my bed . When I went back to the counter , there were two lines on the test . My heart seemed to seize and leap at the same time , so various were the emotions I felt as I saw those two lines . Then I looked at the box again , because I momentarily couldn 't remember what two lines meant , although I did know , I just couldn 't believe it . I was pregnant . For the twelve time . Ironically , just the week before , I had had two friends over who wanted to learn to make bread . One of them had a baby , and as I watched her struggle with him , I told them both , " Every time I 'm around someone with a baby , I feel soooo glad I don 't have a baby . " That being said , a rush of gratitude came into my heart and I immediately knelt down in front of the fire place where it was so warm , and thanked God for the blessing he had given me , the chance to have another child , to be the mother and guardian of eleven beautiful spirits . I was ecstatic . I didn 't know how or when I would tell John , though . We had lost two babies three and a half and three years ago , both at seven weeks , so I wasn 't sure this one would stay . Should I wait to tell him or should I have him involved from the very beginning ? The choice would be made for me the next day . John and I needed to do some shopping at the border town three hours away , so we loaded the kids up and began the journey . While we were driving , John began a conversation we had started a while ago and about what kind of vehicle we were going to purchase . Our fifteen passenger van was on its last leg and we had said that when the 18 - year - old boy left for his mission , we would get an eight - passenger SUV , which , by the way , is so much cooler than a 15 - passenger van . John asked if this was still the plan . It all of a sudden occurred to me that this could no longer be the plan . I said , " Um . Well . That 's really not going to work for us now . " His quick mind immediately grasped my meaning and asked , " Are you pregnant ? ? ? " " Yes ! " I said . He then went into John mode , saying , " Okay . at the auctions my uncle has been telling me about , you can get a 15 - passenger van for about $ 11 , 000 . " He went on in this vein until I finally asked , " Well , are you happy ? " He said , " Yes ! Of course ! And I hope it 's twins ! " I was so happy . There is so much more I want to tell you . I want to tell you how I told my mom . I want to share more feelings with you . But there is just too much to write . But the next part I must tell you . I am not going to take the time to write it out like I would have had I known I would be posting it to this blog , but I 'm going to copy the letter I wrote to the 18 - year - old boy on his mission . It was figuratively scrawled out quickly between answering the door , taking phone calls , answering emails , and responding to countless Facebook messages and comments , all while trying to process all that had happened on our way home from the border town . Here is the letter and accompanying photos . . . . . So , on Saturday we had to go to El Paso to watch Landon play a game against Cathedral , which is the all - boy Catholic school . It was also the twins ' birthday , so we decided to take them to the zoo and shopping for presents . The boys lost pathetically , only scoring like 14 points , but Landon made like 5 of them or so ! Can you believe it ? It was pretty awesome . But Bro , Hatch saw that I wasn 't watching the game and that I missed seeing one of Landon 's shots , so he sent his grandson , Caleb , over to me to tell me that I needed to stop gossiping with Cade and watch my son play ! I think Bro . Hatch just needs to worry about coaching his team . So anyways , we took the kids to the zoo and shopping and eventually loaded up the van to go home . I had also bought a new laptop , had a huge number of oils in a bag from the mail , and John had purchased many things , including 8 wheels for work , a BlueRay DVD player and $ 600 worth of groceries . So we got a late start heading home . It got dark quickly , which we don 't like , but we just couldn 't get things done on time . It 's about 7 : 00 by this time and we 're cruising along at about 70 MPH , which is our normal speed . Cars are oncoming and some have their brights on , so it 's hard to see . All of sudden , just as a car is about to pass us , I see the silhouette of two huge cows exactly in our lane in front of us . I say silhouette because we couldn 't see them with our headlights because we were somewhat blinded by the oncoming traffic . So I scream , " THERE ' S A COW ! ! ! ! " And the split second later , we hit it going about 70 MPH . I didn 't see it hit our windshield , but I heard the sickening sound of metal and glass crunching and then we were stopped and my glasses were down around my chin . ( I would later learn that it was the airbag that had knocked down my glasses , although I never saw or felt it . ) It was all so fast . I put my glasses back on and turned around and said , " Is everyone okay ? " Some of the kids started crying , but before I could see if everyone was all right , John yelled , " EVERYONE GET OUT OF THE VAN ! ! ! NOW ! ! NOW ! ! ! " I didn 't know why . I didn 't know if we were about to get hit by someone else going 70 MPH or if the van was going to explode or what , but I jumped out as fast as I could . Claire had the presence of mind to get Daniel unbuckled and all of the kids jumped out at the same time . Johnny was crying and his lip was bleeding and swollen to the size of a small sausage . I told the kids to get far away from the road , to follow me , but Claire was just standing there . I said , " Claire , come on ! " She said , " Mom , I don 't have my shoes on ! " And I told her to just run anyway , that the van was going to explode . She said tWe were probably sitting there for about ten minutes watching John trying to put the fire out , but then he came up to us and said that he couldn 't get the fire out and that the van was probably going to blow , so we should move very far away . So I picked up Claire again , and we ran about a football field 's length away . We sat there , the kids sitting on my lap , and Claire standing , and watched our van become engulfed in flames . Claire cried as we watched it burn , saying it was just so disturbing and upsetting to see our van in flames that way . There was a series of explosions as each tire blew , the battery , the gas tank , but no one was hurt . Many emergency vehicles started showing up , Federales , municipales , bomberos and ambulances . Everyone was so kind to us . One of the Federales took off his coat and put it on Daniel . A random driver waiting for the van to burn so he could pass through gave me his jacket . The ambulance drivers gave us many blankets and more coats . I kept looking at the van , watching it burn , thinking how amazing it was that all of us survived . The thoughts would come into my mind about all the stuff I was watching burn , my purse , with the pass cards in it , my lap top , the new lap top I just bought , my iPhone , iPod , iPad , all of our food , the music for the musical , which costs $ 300 to replace , but I just kept saying to myself , It 's okay . It all can be replaced . All of us are okay , and it 's a miracle . Then , what to my surprise , Landon and some of his friends from the basketball team walk up to us . Apparently they had been a few cars behind , just stuck in traffic , waiting for the firemen to put the fire out and let them clear . They were quite annoyed with whatever " stupid driver left his van to just burn in the middle of the road . " They were teasing Landon , " Yeah , Dude ! That 's probably your van ! hahahah ! " Well , after the flames got put out , the bus driver decided to let them go see the wreckage , and then one of the boys said , " Dude Landon ! That 's your dad ! " John saw Landon at the same time and wavedWe were so lucky and so blessed and we certainly have a new perspective on life . Things could have ended so differently . The Lord is good . As you can well imagine , dealing with the aftermath of this accident was an emotional challenge . And for John , it was a physical challenge as well , as his shins endured severe abrasions , bruising and swelling , as they took the brunt of the collapse of the front dash . We had trouble sleeping for many nights and we wondered if our new baby , the size of a sesame seed , had survived the ordeal . I knew that I would know in a matter of time , so I choose not to see the doctor at this time . When I returned to play practice , I told the music director that I had discovered I was pregnant a few days before and her face showed immediate concern . She is a mother of seven grown boys , and knows how difficult early pregnancy can be . She became even more concerned when I told her of my previous miscarriages . She worried that I might go through a miscarriage during the six - week rehearsal period . She felt like maybe she should find someone else . I told her no , that I would be okay . I knew how to handle my morning sickness and if I did lose the baby , I would bounce back quickly . She agreed to have me continue to assist her . This second week of practice , everything went fine , until Saturday night . Right before turning into bed , I saw pink blood . I audibly gasped and felt immediate devastation . I came out of the bathroom and told John . His face fell and he hugged me and said how sorry he was . I asked him for a priesthood blessing and after he gave me one , we were both comforted . I waited for the heavy bleeding and the cramping to come , but it never did . Nothing else happened . No more blood . No cramping . Of course I pored over articles on the internet to try to find out what it all meant , I talked to other moms and I prayed . The advice I latched onto was that I needed rest . This is not something I 'm good at , but I wanted so much to keep this baby , so I asked John to go to the house of the lady who sometimes helps us , Esther , and ask if she could come for a couple of hours every day to help with the cleaning until we could find out what I knew immediately what I must do . My normal inclination would have been to leave the doctor 's office and let the baby come when it would . I knew my doctor wouldn 't like that idea , but it is what I would have done . I would have scheduled the D & C , then called back later to cancel it and let my baby come in its own due time . But the musical was in three days . What if she started to come during one of the performances ? I could make preparations for the blood , but could I deal with the pain ? No , I could not . Not during three - hour performances where I would need every once of concentration . So I went to John 's office . I called him from the parking lot and asked him if this was a good time for me to come up . He sounded so happy to know that I was there , and said of course it was . I picked up the ultrasound picture that said " Bebe aborto " and the list of doctor 's instructions in Spanish , and went up the stairs . He immediately saw the ultrasound picture in my hand and concern spread across his face . This was the first time I had ever been to visit him randomly in his office . I told him that the baby didn 't make it . His face fell . He came over to the side of his desk where I was and hugged me . He didn 't say anything for a while , and then he said he was sorry . I said I was sorry to . So I made the appointment for the D & C for that night . And I didn 't call later to cancel it . I had left play practice for my appointment , and when I came back , and began playing the piano , the music director looked at me with concern , and asked if everything went okay . I was playing the piano , and there were many students in the vicinity , so I just smiled and nodded . After my song was over , I sat down next to her and didn 't say anything . She then turned to me again , and said , " So everything is okay ? Everything went okay ? " Then I told her the truth . I had to repeat myself because she had a hard time processing it . I told her that I would go get the D & C that evening and that I would be back for rehearsal the next day . By this time we were having six hour rehearsals every day . She looked at me aghast and said that under no circumstances was I to come back the next day , that if I really wanted to do what was right and be there for the kids , that I would make sure I was healthy for the actual performances . She said that missing practices was not a big deal , but being too sick to perform because I hadn 't recovered correctly would be much worse . I finally agreed . I then walked across campus to where the 14 - year - old boy was playing a football game . Everyone in town was there , or so it seemed , people who I hadn 't seen for a week or two , and everyone asked , with a cheerful smile , how my pregnancy was going . If they asked in front of many people , I lied and said everything was fine . And this is not me . I loathe lying . I try never to do it , but I didn 't know what else to do . Finally someone asked me privately , and I told her the truth . I then went to find one of my best friends , who was selling concessions for the booster club , and pulled her aside and told her . Other people came up to me randomly , and asked how my pregnancy was going , and if there were many people around , I lied again , and if we were in private , I told them the truth . It was excruciating . My baby was lying dead inside me and I was having to look into the eyeWhen I arrived at the hospital , John was already there with a calming smile on his face . I was assigned a bed and the tech came in and began prepping me for the procedure . He attempted to put a needle in my vein to get blood for lab work , then to attach the IV , but he didn 't succeed the first time . If at first you don 't succeed , try , try again . And he did . John was sitting on the sofa bed beside mine watching . After he attached the vile that was to go to the lab to the needle , filled it up , then removed it , apparently he had made no plan to stop my blood from continuing to flow once the vile was removed . So my blood began forcefully pumping out of the back of my hand onto the floor . It was pumping in spurts . I watched in fascination , thinking , " There is all my blood , going down onto the floor . " He became flustered when he realized what was happening and quickly asked John to come and help him . John got up , took the offered vile , and the tech finally was able to stop my blood from being spilled all over the floor . After he left , John and I laughed , saying that that was the sloppiest job we 'd ever seen and that he was lucky that John was there to help ! Then we waited and waited some more . I thought I would message a few people to let them know what had happened . One friend I messaged works with her husband in the big town , and said they would be right over . These were the same friends who came to visit me in the hospital when this same procedure was done three years ago . I felt so comforted that I would see them again before going into the delivery room . They arrived only minutes before I was wheeled out , though , but it was still a blessing to have been able to feel of their love before I went in . I said goodbye to John and suggested that this would probably be a good time for him to go home and get the kids , as I knew I wouldn 't be out for at least another 45 minutes . Earlier in the day John has suggested that we bring the kids to visit me in the hospital . I knew it would be an uncomfortable and perhaps difficult experience for them , but he suggested that it might be good closure , since they would probably have a difficult time understanding and processing what had happened . I felt like this was a wonderful idea . So he kissed me goodbye and I was wheeled to the delivery room . I don 't like that they do this procedure in the delivery room , because I was there before , giving birth to a big , beautiful baby boy five years earlier , and it brought up so many of the amazing memories a mother feels when she gives birth . I looked at the incubator my baby boy had been in . I remembered when my doula had told me while he was crowning that she could see his hair , and that it was black . I remembered that " gloriously empty " feeling of just having a baby , when all the pain is over and there is nothing but joy and elation . None of that would happen for me now . The anesthesiologist entered the room . He is a wonderful , caring man , as most anesthesiologists are . He has a tender smile and comforting eyes and constantly reassured me . When he was finished with the insertion of the epidural , I looked at my heart rate and noticed that it was faster than usual at 88 beats for minute . HeI spent the next three days at school , and in bed and when all of the performances were over and were a huge success , I felt like I could finally let go physically and emotionally . I stayed in bed most of the day on Saturday . I cried most of the night . And on Sunday , I felt better . I attended church , hosted a large family dinner , then slept some more . As I write this , I feel nearly fully recovered , six days later , but I know I need to ease into things carefully . I 've been on partial bed rest for four weeks now and I know it 's going to take a while to get up to my normal and preferred speed . The kids have spring break this week , so I won 't have to worry about schedules . The house will fall to pieces , I know this , but it will be wonderful to do what we want , when we want and just be together as a family . I keep wondering why this all happened during this six - week period of time I had decided to dedicate to the musical , a time that I had known would be taxing in just a normal situation . The discovery of the pregnancy , the explosion of the van , the three weeks of partial bed rest and finally the saddening and disappointing news of the loss of our sweet baby and the subsequent procedure . I have wondered if it was to teach my kids and the kids who knew of my situation in the musical perseverance . I have wondered if we were to learn to place our lives in God 's hand and to accept his will in all things . I have wondered if the kids were supposed to experience loss to prepare them for the bigger losses they will inevitably experience at some point later in life . All I know is that I hope I can learn all that God wants me to learn during this journey . In a church meeting I attended this weekend , we were taught that God 's plan for us is perfect . I have thought about that a lot . Our lives our difficult , sometimes even full of many burdens to be born , but this is His plan for us . He designs each of our lives as a perfect fit to our individual spirits to help us grow and be refined into the people He wants us to become . It is uAs always , thanks for listening . : ) I miss you and I hope to write more in the near future . Have a wonderful week . Over the course of the past couple of years , a lot has changed . I 'll probably go into all that gradually . But the reason for this post is related to one of my new endeavors . I now have a bakery . And one of my items , the multi - grain bread , has become internationally renowned , meaning that it is popular in a few of the small Mexican towns in my vicinity and in the U . S . border town where I visit my mom regularly . That being said , because this summer has become filled with wonderful , time - consuming and amazing events , one of which includes the wedding of the beautiful 19 - year - old girl , I have temporarily closed the bakery , thus , leaving people in the surrounding towns desperately seeking solutions to the problem of lacking fresh multi - grain bread . Some people have said that they would literally die without it . Some have offered to pay twice it 's worth . Some have threatened to discontinue to speak to me in a civil tone . Thus , in an effort to offer a solution of sorts to this grave problem , I will now post the recipe for my internationally renowned multi - grain bread . Don 't worry , I 'm not giving away a centuries - old family secret , such as on Seinfeld 's " The Soup Nazi " . I got this recipe at www . allrecipes . com , but just tweaked it a little . As a side note , many have also asked for my internationally renowned chocolate chip cookie recipe . This is also no secret . It is on the back of the yellow Nestle chocolate chips bag . 1 cup other flour . I usually use maseca or American corn meal , but you can use any flour . I 've used quinoa , and white bean flour . Whatev . 8 cups white flour , sometimes more , sometimes less . 1 . Bring water and oats to a boil . Add honey and butter . Let sit for one hour . 3 . Add oatmeal mixture , whole wheat flour , other flour , seeds , and salt . 4 . Start mixing , and add the white flour while it 's mixing . 5 . Knead for 15 minutes . The dough should be a little sticky , to where when you dump it out of the Bosch , it sticks to the middle , but not the sides . 8 cups of white flour usually does it for me . 8 . Bake at 350 for about 35 to 40 minutes . I like to brush mine with egg and sprinkle it with seeds before it bakes . It 's beautiful like that . 9 . Let cool on racks . Hello everyone ! Just wanted to share that Flirty Aprons is having an awesome sale today only , on Cyber Monday . Everything is 45 % off . Click HERE to go to the site . Enter the code CYBERMONDAY at checkout . I 'm getting this one ! ! ! ! Remember , the sale ends today ! ! I 'm a Mormon American , mostly vegetarian housewife raising 10 AWESOME kids , including twin toddlers and a newborn , in a tiny farm town in Mexico . I 've reluctantly traveled the survivor road when my first husband , and first love , committed suicide in 2004 , leaving me a widow with 6 children . Since then , however , I have found happiness , now that I 'm remarried , to my soul mate , and about the smartest man on the planet . He totally supports me and reads my blog everyday , possibly because he knows that every night I 'm going to ask him if he did . Follow us as I try to find humor and excitement in the everyday affairs of running a home ! |
I got to my parent 's house on Friday after school / work let out to pick up The Boy and my mail . I had a package waiting on me ! From my Secret Santa . . . . who by the way happens to live in Jenks , Oklahoma ! Didn 't know exactly where that was , so I Mapquested it and discovered that it is just a bit south of Tulsa and is about 444 miles away from me . Anyway , I restrained myself from opening the package until I could get home to take pictures . That was tough since it had fragile written on it and it was just calling my name to see what was so breakable . Once I broke into the package , ( they had it taped up pretty darn good ! ) I discovered this : The outside wrapping that it was shipped in was an inside out Bath and Body Works bag ! I love the snowman box . Once I opened it up , I found : Peppermint Bark , Pecan Pie and Eggnog flavors . I have never had the Pecan Pie or Eggnog flavors before , but love the Peppermint and am looking forward to trying the others . Digging further , I found : And a major thank you goes out to Georgie and Amy . They have done an awesome job of coordinating this Secret Santa Soiree . I know that there have been some issues , but I truly hope that they will brave the elements again next year . I have officially not won the letter to me contest that I entered over here . My streak is still intact ! Yay me ! ! You can read the winning entry at this location . Congrats ! Am I unhappy ? Yeah , kind of . Just in the sense that I would have loved to have won . But , it is no big deal . There were a lot better letters to selves out there than mine . Of course , if mine hadn 't been the first and everyone could see what they were up against , then maybe theirs wouldn 't have been so darn better ! ( Yes , I am just joking . Kinda . . . . ) Maybe I am just saving up all my winnings for something really big . . . . like the Power Ball lottery ! Then all those folks who won things in contests that I entered will be sad that they already used up their win . Yeah , probably not . I saw that the person I sent my Secret Santa stuff to has received it and posted about it . They say they like it . But I feel kind of bad because I sent something that would go with something else I was under the impression they already had . Evidently that was not the case . Now they are going to have to wait to use the gift since they are having to wait to get the item I sent the gift for . ( Wow ! Did that even make sense ? ! ) Like I said in another post , it was kind of hard to get something for this person because they are the exact opposite of me . But , according to the recipient , I didn 't do too terribly bad . I just hope they aren 't too disappointed in the fact that they will have to wait to use part of what I sent . If they are reading this , then I hope they forgive me . I am still waiting on my gift to come in the mail ( or by FedEx or UPS or Santa 's Sleigh ) . I have gawked at some of the other Secret Santa packages that have been sent , so I am really looking forward to seeing what I get . I have been pretty impressed with what others have come up with . Last night , we went to the Shriner 's Christmas Party . This is for all of the past and present Shriner 's patients in our area . My Crazy Man is a former patient . He had several operations and was a patient of theirs for over six years . Because of their kindness , this is something that is near and dear to our hearts . In years past , Santa shows up and all of the kids and siblings receive a present . And by kids , I mean the patients , no matter the age . Now , the siblings have to all be under the age of 13 to get a gift . The meal was served free to the patient and one guest along with any child . Please don 't read that previous paragraph as a complaint . It totally is not . I am just explaining how things were and how they are now . We gladly pay for our meals and Crazy Man has told them for years to use the money they were spending on his gift to make sure that another child is helped . We love going to support this group . I love to see the little ones eyes light up as Santa comes in and they get him for a few minutes all to themselves . AND they get a cool gift ! To watch some of these kids grow is fun too . This year , the kids ranged in age from 4 months up to 82 years old . Everyone has a good time ! They have us all seated at certain tables , so that no body gets to pick where they want to sit . They try to make sure that a Shriner and his wife sit at each table . For the past three years , we have shared a meal with the Roloffs . This year , we were sitting with Charlie Brown and his wife . That just tickles me . Of course I get amused by some of the silliest things . But , having a Christmas meal with Charlie Brown is just fun to say ! Once I made it inside , I ended up calling the police to file a report . I told them that this was the second time this had happened . The officer asked if I had made a prior report . I told him no and he wanted to know why I had not . The first time it happened , it was summer . We thought a tractor pulling a farm implement had hit it . Once the farmer realized he had done it , he stopped and threw it in the ditch out of the road . Now , we are thinking otherwise . I also told the officer that it looked as if someone had tied something around it to actually pull it off instead of hitting it to knock it off . He wanted to know why I thought this . I told him it was because the nails holding the darn thing on were not bent . I told him that these things don 't seem coincidental . He agreed . He asked if I had anyone who was mad at me . Duh ! I am a school nurse . There are people mad at me on a daily basis ! My brother is also pretty ticked at me . He asked if anyone had made any type of threats against me lately . I told him that only my brother . He asked what type of threats and I told him . He asked if he should go speak to him . I pleaded with him not to do so . When he asked why not , I told him that if he went to question my brother about suspicious activity on my property , that would just make things worse for me . He told me he understood but still wonders if it was him . I don 't think it is and told the officer that . I told him that I think if it was my brother , he would make sure that what he did was more personal . . . . and probably not a felony . . . just something to make me more scared . At this point , the officer says that he will make a report and will have the police in my neighborhood much more frequently . He said that he would try to have an officer patrol around my home at least once a shift . I don 't know if that is actually happening since I haven 't seen them since making the report , but I guess I have to trust that it is . I did tell the officer that I had a loaded weapon at the ready . He told me that I had every right to protect myself and my property . I told him that he needed to let his fellow officers know especially if they decide to knock on my door . I would hate for there to be a shoot out by accident ! I was not at school / work again yesterday . The Boy woke me up nearly in tears with back pain that spread around to his belly yesterday morning . Once he settled down a little , the pain seemed to be focused around his belly button and then towards his right side . He also had a low grade temp . Neither me nor The Boy wanted to get labs drawn ! He was quite terrified while waiting , but did an excellent job of not melting down . Luckily the girl got it with one stick . I was really proud of him . Before Crazy Man got home last night , I had to take The Boy to my parent 's house because I had to go to the funeral home with a friend . The mom to one of the girls I grew up with died . So , another friend and I went together . This woman was truly loved ! We stood in line for nearly an hour . When we left , the visitation was only supposed to last for another 45 minutes , but there had to have been enough people that it was going to be at least another hour and a half to two hours . She was a beautiful woman , both inside and out . I can remember her throwing her daughter a surprise birthday party one year . She came to school and picked up several of us and then we headed to her house . She had her daughter ride the bus , just like every other day so that when she got home , we were all waiting for her ! And this woman could cook ! She made the best cinnamon rolls I have ever eaten ! I know that my friend will miss her terribly . I am keeping my fingers crossed that the rest of this week goes well . We only have today and half a day tomorrow . Hopefully The Boy will be well enough to make it through these . He has finals both days , so I am hoping that those go well also . I was planning on doing a post yesterday to show what we did this weekend . Unfortunately , if you showed up yesterday , you noticed that I was no where to be found . There is a good reason for that . We were home sick . Well , not me , but The Boy . And , since I would never dream of leaving The Boy home alone sick , I got to stay home too . That left me without the planned post for here though . Today I am back ! The Boy is feeling much better . Don 't know what the deal was . He complained of his stomach hurting for about 36 hours and ran a fever for about 12 of those . Never threw up . His temp did get up to 101 , but it went away without me giving him anything for it . Now the dog has it though . Really ? ! Yes , really . Now I don 't know that the dog has a temp , but I do know that he has been throwing up with diarrhea since yesterday about 5pm . Lucky , huh ? ! This weekend , in case you didn 't know , was Wreaths Across America . All across the country , wreaths are placed on graves of those buried in military cemeteries . We did this last year at the closest military cemetery to us . This is about an hour away from home , but since we heard about it , it has become something we plan to do each year . We took The Boy last year and again this year . We feel that it is something that he learn about and understand what it means . I think he is getting it . Of course , the worst part is the cold . And I am certain that if given the opportunity to pass that up , he would . I do hope that as time goes on that he will do it in spite of the weather though . My Crazy Man ( on the right ) and Boyfriend rode their motorcycles . They are members of the American Legion Riders and said that they were riders , not drivers . Boyfriend 's Wife , The Boy and I were drivers ! It was in the 20s with a hefty wind blowing . On Sunday , the American Legion Riders placed big wreaths at the entrances of four of our local cemeteries . Boyfriend saw a cameraman from the local news on Saturday and let him know what we would be doing on Sunday afternoon . This cameraman told one of the reporters , and they came out to do a story . It was nice to get a little bit of recognition . Not for what we do / did , but so that maybe we could get more to join in with us . I was wrapping some Christmas presents the other night . If anyone has cats , they know that sometimes getting anything done with them around is a challenge . Sinatra was a good kitty . He decided that it would be better if he stayed out of the way . After all , I may be wrapping something for him ! Ziggy , on the other hand . . . . . . He thinks that he has to be in the middle of everything ! What a helper ! I am nearly done wrapping . And am waiting on a couple of things to be delivered that I had ordered . I also have to still figure out something for my grandpa . Any clues what a 92 year old man would like / need ? ! I am so glad that it is Friday ! Matter of fact , I am glad that next week only has four and a half days for us to attend . And , when we are released at noon next Friday , I don 't have to come back until January 4th ! The worst part is that I will not be able to post anything here whenever I feel the urge . I will have to find a computer to use . Don 't think for a minute though that I would trade my days off for having access to a computer ! I have gotten most of our Christmas gifts bought and wrapped . They are not under the tree yet though because we have not put our tree up . I know . . . . pretty soon it will be too late . But we haven 't been home a lot these past few weeks . I am hoping to get it up this weekend . If not , then it may have to wait until we get out of school . I entered this contest with the letter to my younger self a few days ago . Thought I would have a decent chance since nobody had entered it at that time . Now there are several others that have entered , so my chances are slowly decreasing ! Much easier to win something when you are the only entry ! Also discovered that according to Georgie over at decisionally challenged , I am nowhere near the last one to mail my Secret Santa gift . There are still 75 folks who have not sent in the delivery confirmation number . . . . and there are only four more sending days until they should be shipped . I somehow feel much better about that ! I also got driving directions to see just how many miles the package I mailed had to travel from my house to theirs . Can 't tell you now , but I will once we are allowed to disclose who we sent our gift to . I think it would be fun to know just whose gift traveled the farthest to reach it 's destination ! This weekend , we are going to be doing something special . But I can 't tell you about it yet . I want to have pictures to go with my explanations . I will tell you that it is something that we joined in on last year and have decided that it will be something that we will attempt to do every year from now on . Last year it was cold and windy and this year looks to be the same way unfortunately . Have I mentioned how much I hate being cold ? Well , I don 't like it at all . As I sit here typing this in a supposedly warm building , I have a short sleeve shirt , a long sleeve shirt and a hoodie on . Plus jeans and two pairs of socks . And no , I am not breaking a sweat . Honestly . . . . my feet are still cold ! Other than that , I am fairly comfortable . My husband 's cousin is living in Hawaii at the moment . She was saying the other day that she was going to the beach and that it was hot there . I told her that I hoped that she and her husband were sent to Alaska by the Army on their next assignment . The Boy tells me this morning on the way to work / school that he has two different Christmas lists . He makes one for me and one for his father . Tells me that this way he won 't get duplicate gifts . Smart , except that by doing this , when there is nothing on the list that I can either afford or am willing to get , then I don 't have a clue that there are other things out there he is wishing for . And I discovered that of these two lists , the items I have been presented with are much more expensive than what is on the other list ! I think the DNA Donor has The Boy convinced that I make more money than he does . Amazing how that is so far from the truth ! I told The Boy that he needs to only make one list and then if it is a big thing that he is asking for , then if I decided I wanted to be the one to get it for him , I would just call DNA Donor and let him know to mark it off the list . I know there are problems with that theory , ( because I have lived through them ) but I still feel it is the best solution . Convincing The Boy of that is an entirely different thing . Got paid yesterday . It is gone . Early in the year , I sat down and made a list of all our bills and when they were due . I then made a list with all the dates that both myself and Crazy Man were supposed to be paid . Once that happened , then I could assign bills to a paycheck . Every bill has a paycheck . Everything gets paid this way , and sometimes I get ahead . How do I get ahead ? Well , some months have an extra week in them . The way I do it , the bills come out in order . That way at the end of the year when Crazy Man 's checks get smaller because of less work available for him , I don 't have to worry about not having the money to pay a bill . I also have figured out that at the end of the week before I add in the next check , I divide the total my checkbook shows and take half of that to put into savings . Even if it is only a couple of dollars , I have been able to save quite a bit . We have been saving like this for 9 months so that we can have money to spend on our Hawaii trip . I like being able to have money ready to pay bills so that I am not looking to see who can be put off for another month . I know that everyone out there who has children handpick anyone they take their children to . Like doctors and dentists and such . When you have a child who resides within the autism spectrum , this becomes an even bigger deal . His newest dentist and I had a long talk via phone before I took him in for his first visit . I explained that visits with him would be long and tiring for us all . He told me that it would be no problem and that he had worked with autistic kids before . We had one incident there , but a quick call after the appointment to speak with the dentist has cleared it all up . The orthodontist is a special thing . This orthodontist is the same one that I went to as a kid . And , he has an autistic son . That gave him two brownie points ! If you have ever had impressions done before , you know that you have to put this big cumbersome tray filled with squishy icky tasting gunk in your mouth and hold it until it sets . Of course to get what they need it has to be pushed to the very back of your throat . It gags you and you can 't swallow , so you are drooling all over yourself . Granted , all of it only takes about 20 seconds , but it is still a major ordeal . Or at least it is with my son ! What happened is this : When we started going to the orthodontist , we started with a retainer to try to keep him out of braces . Once they realized that he had teeth growing in funky places , braces were the next step . They wanted to get another set of impressions at that point . After much yelling ( which could be heard throughout this big office ! ) they came to get me . I went back , calmed him down and we started again . The girl that was doing this wasn 't the nicest person and you could tell she had never had to deal with anything like this before . It was in his records that you have to explain everything that is going to happen . She didn 't . Once that was completed , we were walking through where the doc was working on another patient with family at her side . He stopped us and asked what the problem was . He asked if The Boy had been traumatized at the dentist office in the past . He said that he had never seen a child my sons age / size act like that and that it was uncalled for . Without raising my voice , I said : " You , of all people , should know what the problem is . You were handpicked for several reasons , one of which is because you also have an autistic son . My son has autism and you should know what this is like . You should understand that someone is coming at him without explanation . That some stranger is touching him without his permission . That they are putting something in his mouth that has an awful taste and texture to him . They are forcing all of this on him without his mom being around . And now the doctor himself is asking what the problem is . You , of all people , should know what the problem is . And if you can 't quickly figure it out , I will take my son and leave this office and figure out in the process how to make sure the community knows that despite having his own autistic child , this man has no idea how to deal with them . " This man quickly dropped his head and apologized . He not only apologized to me and The Boy , but he also apologized to all who were within range of hearing our conversation . He agreed that I was in the right and he was in the wrong . He said that he had been having a rough day and took it out on the two of us . He also said that we would assign one specific person to The Boy to take care of him . From that point on , we have had no problems at all . We got lucky and were assigned Shannon . She has been wonderful ! The Boy will not allow anyone else to touch him . A few visits ago , another girl came out to get him , but he didn 't want to go . . . . until she told him that Shannon was busy and had asked if she would just go get him to bring him back . But , Shannon would be the one working with him . When he got the braces put on , we were told that they hoped that it would only take about 2 years . We have had to go to an oral surgeon for a bracket to be placed on a tooth that was growing in the middle of the roof of his mouth . This bracket had a chain attached to it that they have been " reeling in " to get it into the correct position . This terrified The Boy . I didn 't really realize how much until we were on our way to his appointment yesterday . Normally , going to see Shannon is no big deal . Yesterday , he was sad and quiet . He told me he didn 't want his gum to be cut . We talked about our options ( braces forever , or cut gum if need be ) and he decided that he wanted neither of those ! Once his wire was out , he went to brush his teeth and I told Shannon what the problem was . She went over to speak with the doc and give him a heads up . When the doc came over , he apologized for making The Boy worry and said that the tooth seemed to be just about to break through ! He said that the gum covering the tooth was paper thin now and there should be no problem . There was only one link of chain showing and it was easy to slide the tie wire through it . The wire this doc uses is that stretchy type of wire that some folks use to string beads and make bracelets and such with . The Boy and I call it ' spaghetti wire ' because it is seems so flimsy . That is when it happened . As the doc was tying the chain to the wire with the spaghetti wire , it broke . He was pulling it really tight and the spaghetti wire broke into two pieces . When that happened , it also pulled the chain and ( I can only assume ) the tooth down . Now instead of only one full link showing , there was one and a half showing . And , it cut his gum . The Boy didn 't realize that the whole incident had cut his gum and caused it to bleed some . Let me tell you though . . . . when he figured it out , he told the doc that it hurt and that he was not very happy with him ! Luckily there was no crying or yelling , and we made it out of there a few minutes later . In December 2007 , braces were put on . In April 2008 , the chain was attached to our little rogue tooth . We hope that all braces are off by this time next year . The Boy has already reminded us that the two years that he feels was promised to him was a lie . He may not truly understand the concept of time , but he can do math ! I know that I mentioned before that I am taking part in the Secret Santa Soiree this year . Well , I got my shopping completed this weekend and now am just waiting on the perfect time to make it to the post office . I am keeping my fingers crossed that they like what I found that I felt was pretty much right on for them ! I also came across chocolatecovereddaydreams . blogspot . com who had a neat little giveaway . Yeah , I like what she is giving away , but what really caught my attention was the subject . The subject is " if you could write a letter to your younger self , giving advice for the future , what would it say ? Would the letter be funny or serious ? " I thought that would be something fun to write about . Plus , I may win a prize ! Go me ! So , without further ado . . . . my letter to me . I would say that upon receiving this you would be a bit shocked to find who it is written by , but since I know you , then I don 't think you will be surprised at all ! I figure you will be quite happy to know that you survived until at least now ! Especially since there will be days upcoming in which you will seriously question as to whether you will . If I did that though , you would not have all the experiences that I now possess . If I told you everything that would happen to you in the coming years , then you may just decide to change a few things . And if you did that , you may miss out on some of the greatest things that has happened in your life . I will tell you this . . . . . you are going to make a few decisions that you will question later on . Trust me . . . I am questioning them for you as I write this ! But once you look at the bigger picture , you will realize that if it weren 't for some of the stupid things you did , you wouldn 't have the great things you have . Doesn 't make sense , does it ? To make stupid mistakes and get something wonderful out of it . But you did it . And , today , in your future , you have it . You have a wonderful husband who loves you to distraction . You have a gorgeous son who you can not imagine living without . You have a job in a tough economy and you are able to help provide for the family that you adore . Nothing else matters . And because of some mistakes you made , you have all of this . My old person advice to my younger self ? Trust in the choices you make . Pay attention to your heart and heed the information you have available to you to make those choices . Know that they are the right ones for you and your current situation . And know that in the end , they will all even out . I know , I know . Here you get a letter from the future , and I don 't tell you how I got here . You were wanting me to tell you how you could make things perfect for the future . Do you know how hard it is to buy a gift for someone you don 't know ? I have joined the Secret Santa Soiree ( as noted by the button over there on the left ) . When I stumbled across this idea , I thought it would be great fun . Don 't get me wrong . . . it is great fun . However . . . . . When all these people signed up , I went browsing all of their sites to see what I could find out about those who were on the list . As I was looking , I came across one that I literally stopped and said " this is the one I will be paired with to buy a gift for . " I don 't know why I thought this other than the fact that as I was looking , I felt that this would be the person that would be so difficult for me to buy for . Why ? Because we are complete and total opposites ! This girl is really a girly girl . Me . . . . not so much ! Now , I am not saying anything that she hasn 't said herself , so don 't think that I am judging her because I am not . She loves the color pink , and I think that I actually own one pink scrub top and a pink sweatshirt . I do own a pink pair of fake crocs and the tennis shoes I am wearing are pink . . . but this is not my favorite color . She lives in the city and as you can tell by the name of this blog , I definitely do not ! I also had a hard time coming up with something because she rarely posts . It is really hard to get to know someone when they don 't put much out there . Now , having said all of that , I think that I found something that she will enjoy . I make no promises though . Is it a girly girl gift ? Is it something pink and frilly ? Can 't tell ya that ! I haven 't mailed it yet and I have not told her who I am yet . I don 't think that she visits here , but I don 't want what I am sending to be blaring from the page just in case she does and figures out I am talking about her ! Now all I have to do is pack it up and get it to the post office . I am thinking of having my Crazy Man mail it while he is out on the road . That way she won 't know ( in case she does happen to stumble across this little lost in the woods post ) where it really came from . And , I am really looking forward to seeing what my Secret Santa picked out for me ! Maybe I am just as hard to buy for since I could be that person 's opposite too ! I found some of the items that I had bought for Christmas online for less money than I spent at the store . So , I placed the order for them and will return the ones that I bought in person . Am I the only one who does that ? ! Please tell me that I am not ! I did that with three things this year . Two of them were for The Boy . I am waiting on the delivery of six or seven things that I found online that we could not find in the stores . I have been told that they will all arrive before Christmas , so I am keeping my fingers crossed . The Boy is obsessed with this video game called ' Halo ' . Now , I don 't know a ton about it , but I do know that it is a war type game . I personally don 't like those types of things , but how do you change someone 's obsession ? Anyway , he loves the game and everything about it . When people use the term obsessed , it could mean anything . However , when I say obsessed , I mean it ! How obsessed you ask ? Well , obsessed enough that he has already told me that he will be going to college to get a degree so that he can work for this company that makes this game . He has already looked into what jobs they have available at this time to see what kind of degree he may need . He has looked for a college close by this place to determine if they would be able to provide the degree he would need . He has even gone so far as to look online to see if there were houses available to buy so that he would have a place to live . And , he only looked in a 7 mile radius from the company 's headquarters . I 'm telling you . . . . obsessed ! There are chapter books that have been written based on the game 's premise and I took him to our library to look for them . When he realized that they did not have them , he was a bit upset . But , I told him that he could always request that the library get them . He didn 't think it would work , but I convinced him to ask anyway . About four weeks ago , the library called and said that they had books on hold for him . We went in , and they had ordered two sets ! They checked out one set to him and put the others on their shelves . He was so excited ! He has been reading them and is now working on getting the last one read . I found a big book called the Halo Encyclopedia . This is going under the Christmas tree with his name on it ! Matter of fact , this is one of the things that I bought and then found online cheaper . It was delivered last night , so this weekend I will be returning the other one . We also found that there are Lego sets that are based upon this video game . Needless to say , he will be receiving some of those from family also . He loves Legos and Halo . How can we go wrong ? ! This morning on the way to school / work , I asked The Boy if he had gotten his Christmas shopping done . He of course said no . I was teasing him and asked when he was going to buy my gift . He just looked at me and said " I know people . " I busted out laughing and asked if he was a member of the Mafia ! He just grinned and said " maybe . " He just cracks me up sometimes ! I think this weekend we are going to stay home and try to get the Christmas stuff out and things wrapped to put under the tree . First we have to clean out a path in the garage to get to the things though ! One of these days I am hoping to become more organized . Maybe when we build onto the house that will happen . Until then I am stuck with just clearing a path ! As I finish up here , I realize that when I am able to sit down and actually type out a post , they all end up pretty long . I can 't imagine that I have that much to actually talk about ! And maybe I don 't . But typing the words rather thIma Hick On Tuesdays , I take my son to his counseling appointment . Well , at least on most Tuesdays . He has been seeing this counselor since June of 2004 . I started taking him to her when he began banging his head against the wall hard enough to bloody his nose . He usually attends once a week ( usually on Tuesdays right after school ) as long as she is available . Since he has started counseling , the head banging and self biting episodes have become nearly non - existent . It has helped with lots of other things too . Well . . . here . . . let me just quote the paragraph that is in his newest yearly treatment plan : " has demonstrated progress in his ability to accept criticism and / or correction , to develop social relationships appropriate to his developmental level , to display spontaneity and emotional and / or social reciprocity , and to express and understand humor . Additionally , his display of self - abusive behaviors has greatly decreased . " So I guess that 5 and half years of weekly counseling has brought us a long way , huh ? ! Of course , there are about two pages of things that we are working towards at this time , but we have still come a long way ! With all of that said , why would you want to stop taking your child to a place that has done so much good for him ? Well , I don 't want to . However . . . I am not the only one who makes these decisions . I have held off the DNA Donor several times concerning this very thing . You know how it is . . . . too much time , costs too much , doesn 't need it , yada yada yada . Today , I am the one considering taking him out of therapy . I know this is not a good thing to do , so maybe I should just switch counselors . The problem with that ( as every parent of an autistic child knows ) is that he has ' bonded ' with this counselor and has become quite comfortable in the environment that is provided each week . So what has got me all in a tiz about possibly pulling him ? It all started last October . Crazy Man got new insurance that covers all of us , The Boy included . I told the girl at the front desk that The Boy now had a secondary insurance . * A little background info here : this is a one counselor office . She did not have anyone who even sat at the front desk until her son got married to this girl . Once that occurred , this girl shows up in order to keep track of the appointments and payments and deal with insurance . * When I told this girl that The Boy had a secondary insurance , she said " ok but his primary insurance is paying just fine , so we probably don 't need to worry about sending it into his secondary . " At the time , I was fine with that . Once I began slowly coming to my senses and realized that if the secondary is billed , then that will go against his deductible , it was summer of this year . I asked the girl if she would start to file those claims with both insurances and explained my reasoning . Let 's just calmly say that she was not happy . After a couple of months , she told me that it was a pain and that if I wanted her to file the old claims , I would have to pay a fee of $ 8 or something like that so she could send them to the right place instead of the place she had been sending them . I told her that I did not understand . She said that my insurance has a different place that these mental health type claims go and that I should know that . I told her that I did not know that , but I was not in charge of how insurance worked and all that went with it when sending in a claim . I gave her the insurance card and can only read what it says and that it was her knowledge about insurance companies that I was relying on . Needless to say , she wasn 't happy again . Well , neither was I if truth be told . However , I gave her the money to have it refiled and went on my merry way . I have yet to receive anything from my insurance company , but they are always slow and I have other things to worry / think about . This past Tuesday , I took The Boy to his appointment . He was in the midst of it and I was in the waiting area balancing my checkbook when the DNA Donor walked in . This receptionist greets him ( like she always has ) with a bright cheery smile and a voice that goes up an octave compared to what she sounds like when talking to me . DNA Donor gives her his check and doesn 't even get to sit down before the counselor is out there telling him that we all need to come back and have a little meeting because " we have a problem . " I have absolutely no idea what is going on here ! Her receptionist has a piece of paper laying face down on the table in front of her . The counselor says that there are insurance problems and that " B " will explain them . " B " turns over the paper and says that she has received this explanation of benefits from the DNA Donor 's health insurance denying the three claims she sent in for October . She says that the insurance has written on this that the member must contact them with any information concerning a secondary insurance . This includes who holds the secondary insurance , that person 's name , address , phone numbers , social security number , and birthdate . She tells us that until this is done , that all claims filed will be denied . She then goes on to say that because these claims have been denied , they will have to be refiled and they have begun to charge $ 5 for each claim that is refiled . So , before the current denied claims are sent back through , we owe them $ 15 . Once this has been spoken , " B " turns to me and says " you have three choices . " ( How this had become all my problem at that point I wasn 't sure ! ) I was told that I could either give all of that information to the DNA Donor or I could have her stop filing with the secondary insurance or I could just pay the entire bill that had been denied by the insurance . Taking a deep breath , I , as calmly as possible , told her that if she could give me a copy of the paper she was looking at that contained all the information being asked for and the phone number listed , I would be more than happy to call and get this done . I told her that it was not my information that I would be giving , it was Crazy Man 's and that his personal information is not legally mine to give . I also told her that I seriously doubted that he would like me to just hand over that info to anyone . " B " tells me that I have to give it to DNA Donor because he is the member and she would not give me a copy of the EOB . I asked for the phone number then . She again told me that the DNA Donor is the one who would have to have the information to take care of it . I told her that unless she gave me the phone number , we were at a standstill because there was no way that I was going to pay the whole bill when we had insurance that would take care of this , and since the primary insurance refuses to move ahead until information concerning the secondary is presented , she may as well not file with them either . Again , " B " told me that I would have to give the information to DNA Donor . I told her that I was legally allowed to take care of this because I order his prescription meds all of the time through this insurance . She also told me that she had spent a lot of time filing these claims with both insurances and " your secondary insurance hasn 't even paid anything . " It hit me then as to why this was all my fault . Evidently I have more power than I realized ! I am the one who controls how much an insurance company pays and when they pay it ! Wow ! If I had known that I possessed this much power , I would have been finding a way to get a message to the President to let him know that if he is having trouble with insurance / health care , he should be talking to me because I have the power to change it all ! Amazing . I think I am going to sell this service to folks that are having difficulty with their insurance companies . Or at least the two companies that The Boy is covered under . Becoming angry , I said that this was not totally my fault . Yes , I would accept responsibility for asking her to send in the back claims for the year once I came to my senses and realized they could count toward my deductible . I had paid my fine and that should be the end of that . I would not take responsibility for the fact that the insurance isn 't doing what she wants it to do . The counselor looks at her and asks if there is a toll free number on the EOB . When she was told that there was , the counselor told " B " to go make me a copy and she would set up a phone so that I could call and get this taken care of . " B " stomped out of the room and I could then hear the copier . The counselor followed her out of the room and I hear " B " telling her that this was not her fault and this was not her job . Once the copy was made , " B " comes back into the room and throws it on the table in front of me and then stomps out . I go into the other room to call the insurance . I tell them the problem and the lady asks who the secondary insurance is . I tell her and then she asks if I have a divorce decree that states that the DNA Donor is required to provide health insurance . I tell her that I do . She makes a note of that and says that she will resend these claims through and that their should not be a problem . She tells me that the office does not have to do anything other than sit back and wait for a new EOB . She says that I should also be on the look out for a new EOB . When I explain to her that I have never seen an EOB from her company for my son , she tells me how I , as the biological child of a minor child , can receive the EOBs . I thank her for her kindness and go back into the other room to let them know that everything is taken care of . I tell them that nothing has to be refiled , so no charges should have to be paid . I tell them that if the next EOB comes back as denied , to let me know and I will call them again to see about getting it taken care of . I am told that if the charges are denied again , then I will owe them the full amount of what they had submitted which would also include the November charges , until the insurance issue was taken care of . I laughed and said that there was no way that I would be able to take care of the complete cost of 7 visits by myself . Again , I would accept my responsibility and do my best to pay my half , but the DNA Donor was going to have to step up and do his part too . Let me tell you . . . . . I was ticked off . However , not one time did I raise my voice nor did I cry like I usually do when I get so mad . " B " stood there after I had taken care of all of this and tells me that she had been dealing with insurance issues all day and then she had to deal with me and she was just done . None of this was her problem . The counselor tells all of us " you have to understand that I provide a service here and " B " is hired to make sure that I am paid for that service . " Really ? ! Then how is this not her problem ? And , how is this not her job ? And , why did we have to use up my son 's appointment time to take care of this situation ? Should this have not been taken care of at a different time ? How many times have you gone to a doctor 's appointment and he invited the billing person into your visit with him to talk to you and hash out a payment plan ? ! Hopefully everyone had a good Thanksgiving and was able to spent time with their families . I also hope that everyone got the bargains they were looking for on the day after Thanksgiving ! We did both ! When I got home on Wednesday , I grabbed a bite to eat and then started in on the cooking . I think I had said before that I was going to try to bake a couple of cheesecakes . Do you know how long those things take to make ? ! I worked on two cheesecakes and a sweet potato casserole and finally was able to finish after 8 hours . All I could say at that point , is that those things better taste good ! I had to get everything baked and ready to go because we were getting up at 5am on Thanksgiving to get into town so we could go to the Big Lots and K - Mart sale . There were a couple things at each place that were high on the Christmas lists that we were going to try to fulfill . The first cheesecake I made , we took to my Grandma 's house . It was Peanut Butter Cup flavor . I thought the middle seemed a little less set than I would have liked , but Crazy Man had no complaints about it , so I guess it was done . This second one was Turtle and we took it to Crazy Man 's cousin 's house . We didn 't eat until around 8pm and by then I was actually starting to get a bit hungry ! Crazy Man said this one was good too . If I wasn 't certain about the first one , then this one I really had my doubts about . When I poured it into the pan , it was like soup . And there was no way that it was done when the recipe said it would be done ! I ended up baking it for nearly double what it called for . I guess all in all , the meals were great . The family time was a bit strained in both houses , but at least we were all together and everyone tried . Once we were done with our second meal , Crazy Man and I headed back into town . We had decided that we were going to hit the Black Friday stores for some shopping . I had my lists all made out as to what we needed and where we were going to attempt to get it . The Boy had gone to spend the night with his DNA Donor around 3pm , and would be back on Friday around 10am . So , without him to have to worry about , we made our plans to stand in line . What we didn 't really take into account however was the fact that the lines would be stupid this year . Now , I have done this for the past several years . I have a blast ! I hate to shop and this is the one day out of the year that I do all of my Christmas shopping to get it done . We started out at Toys R Us . They were supposed to open at midnight . We decided to drive by at 10 : 30 and see how long of line there was . If it was too outrageous , we would go get the second vehicle and my coat and then come back . I had borrowed his dad 's jacket just in case since it was supposed to get down into the 20s . We ended up staying ! The parking lot was completely full . Where our store is located , there are also two other stores ( Big Lots and a fabric store ) , in the same plaza area and they share a huge parking lot . Right across the street is the mall . There were people parking at the mall and walking over . We were probably close to being number 300 or so in line . By the time the store opened at midnight , there were probably at least a thousand in line . It was unreal ! When we made it out of the store at 1 : 30am , the last person in line was standing where I was standing when I got into line . Once we made it out of there , it was over to Kohl 's . They didn 't open until 4am , but since we were up anyway , why not go get into line there ? ! I got into line ( about 10 people ahead of me ) while Crazy Man took a nap in the truck . Around 3 : 15 , I decided that I was freezing and needed to use the bathroom , so Crazy Man came and took my place in line while I drove over to the Wal - Mart to use the facilities . Their parking lot wasn 't too full at all at that point . Once Kohl 's opened , I made a mad dash in , got what I wanted and got in line . Ended up that we spent longer in line than we did getting what we wanted ! But , I have to say , it did move faster than the line at Toys R Us . Our next stop was at Wal - Mart . Crazy Man dropped me off at the front door at about 4 : 55 and went hunting for a place to park since the lot was now full . He ended up parking halfway between Wal - Mart and Kohl 's in the Sam 's lot ! That Wal - Mart was so full , that there was absolutely no way you could have pushed a cart through the big main aisle by the registers . Matter of fact , you couldn 't even walk through that area . We stood in line for over an hour to checkout . Crazy Man then ran me across the street and dropped me at Target . He went to K - Mart to get the one item we needed and came back to get me . He was able to drive to K - Mart , find a parking spot , hunt for and get what we needed , wait in line for 40 minutes to pay , drive back to get me , and I was still in line . I ended up being in the checkout line for nearly two hours at Target . We got Crazy Man back to the house a few minutes after 9am . He went straight to bed ! I got into my vehicle and went back out to the fabric store that was next door to Toy 's R Us . The fleece that I use to make blankets was supposed to be 75 % off and I was to meet my parents there . I was in that crazy store for three hours . And nearly all of that was spent standing in line ! However , I did manage to get enough material for at least 8 blankets and 4 new scrub tops for me ! I finally made it home about 1pm . The Boy had gotten home around 10 and he and Crazy Man met a friend for dinner . I came home and crashed around 2pm . I slept until about 5 when they wanted me to get up for supper . When I woke up though , I was pretty sick to my stomach so I didn 't end up eating . Went back to sleep about 8pm and we all slept until noon on Saturday ! The worst part about Black Friday this year was the standing in line . There really was not a lot of pushing and shoving and rudeness going on . And , I managed to get about 95 % of my list completed during those hours . On Monday and Tuesday , I ordered a few things online and so today as I type this out , I am 99 % finished . I still have to find something for my mom and my grandfather . Everything else is complete ! Crazy Man says that he won 't be going to another Black Friday ! He says that he would have just as soon spent the extra money . But , my thought is that we saved more than we spent . I am not quite sure how that worked , but it did ! Probably because some of the things that I bought for $ 10 are regularly $ 25 . All in all , I think that we got some excellent bargains and I definitely plan to do it all again next year ! The Boy . Without him , I would not be anything important . I also would not have a clue what patience and understanding truly are if it weren 't for him . My Crazy Man . He loves me no matter how ridiculously irrational I am . He is truly the love of my life . He makes me laugh when nobody else can or even attempts to try . My family . And that includes my family - in - law . Most of them accept me for who I am . For those who don 't , then they can still have a happy Thanksgiving ! Plenty of food to eat and money to buy it with . There are many out there that don 't have either . I have been there before and I hope and pray that I won 't have to go there again any time soon . Several days off in a row from work . This is pretty self explanatory . I am thankful that I have a job to have those days off from work however . All of the kids that I take care of . They point out to me all the time the things that adults seem to miss . Innocence is a good thing at times ! They remind me that being a kid is sometimes just as hard as being an adult . They also remind me to look for the funny . The men and women of our military . A lot of these people are miles away from their own families . Some of them just states away and others countries away . For some of them , they are away from their family for the first time ever for a holiday . Some are on a battlefield . For everyone of them , I am thankful . Because of them , I am able to write all of what I have written . I am able to raise my son and give him all he needs . I am able to spend time with my family because these men and women are away from theirs . May God bless each and everyone of those who are reading this . And may you sit down and make your very own list . This disclaimer is to make sure that you understand just what it is that you are getting into by visiting here . What I say is my opinion and mine alone . If you are not happy with my opinions , fine . You are more than welcome to tell me about how yours differs , just don 't tell me that I am wrong because an opinion is never wrong . This blog is for me to get out all my thoughts and feelings since actual adult conversation is not a daily occurrence . Plus , speaking my mind is so much less work than hunting for new places to hide the bodies . And it is a lot more legal too . Thanks for visiting ! I am a mom , wife , daughter , granddaughter , sister , aunt , nurse , who loves her kid , husband , family , cats , occupation , and home . I have been known to have an odd sense of humor and sometimes feel that if there were cameras following me around I could have my own comedy show . I want to live long enough that I can say whatever I want to say and not get into trouble because of it . This is the man who was crazy enough to marry me . He loves both me and the boy to extremes . He is a city slicker who drives a truck for a living , has an addiction to Harley Davidson motorcycles and is not quite sure yet about all this country living . This is my boy . He is 15 years old and is a freshman in high school . He has been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum . He does have some difficulties , but we work around them . He loves Curious George , his cat , computers , video games , science , and learning new things . Named when he was just a baby for his big blue eyes . Lost the sight in the right one and will forever be an inside cat . Loves his mom ( me ) . Can be found hiding under the covers on the bed when company comes . Ziggy Original name was Zigawa ( after the place in The Curious George Movie of course ! ) but shortened to Ziggy after our tongues constantly tripped over that ! Loves The Boy fiercely and misses him terribly when he is gone . Fred Silly little dog . Moved in when his dad ( Crazy Man ) moved in . Drives the cats crazy . Barks at anyone who doesn 't live with us and thinks he is bigger and badder than he really is . |
I just called the company that my ex use to work for . I was calling to see if the insurance was still good . Well it is not . He is no longer working there . So I asked if I could go back and change my support order . Amber will be 18 next year and she will loose all of her child support and insurance . Not that he pays it anyway , but with the order we can tack everything on to what he owes . So now I need to call my lawyer and take my ex back to court . I want him to carry insurance on Amber as long as she is in school , and to pay for her college text books . I do not think that is being to unfair . However that means that I have to take him back to court . Which means he will have to be served . Which means he could actually show up here for court . The girls will not be allowed to see their grandmother this summer . Since I do not know where my ex is and I cannot guarantee their safety , they will not be visiting my former mother in law . I will not take a chance of them not coming back or of him hurting them . Look at the picture of me hugging a marine . That is Kevin when he came home from Iraq . If you look at what is on his back it is one of the quilts that I made . In the picture of me getting ready to kiss Rusty you will see a huge watermelon . Some girlfriends came over one night and we got to drinking and I ended up with a huge watermelon on the kitchen wall . Several times I have thought about painting over it , but that watermelon makes me laugh . That was painted while Rusty was in Iraq and I just cannot let it go . Nikki called me last night to tell me that she got to play with pigs , drive a work truck , and that old people in Oregon do not have teeth . Well . . . . . I just need that information at 10 : 30 at night ! I have these three little sign 's and they say faith , hope and love . Over the weekend someone knocked off the faith sign . So I was walking around looking for faith . Everyone kept asking me what I was looking for and I told them that I am looking for my faith . One of the marines said well why are you looking for your faith , Nikki has enough for all of us ! Over the weekend one of the marines had his lap top set up . Some of the guys were looking at the pictures . So when they were done I went over to take a look at them . I so wanted to barf and cry . They were looking at people that had been blown up . I had to ask the marines to close those pictures out . I know that Rusty would not have wanted me to see that and I know that I do not want my children to see that . Over the weekend I found out what the marine corp teaches these boys . I was shocked that they know how many different ways to make b . . . . Then I was given a lesson on making a few other things ! What the hell ? I told Rusty about this and he told me to go grab some of his marine corp books and take a look . No thank you . I thought my life was complete before I gained all of this knowledge . Yesterday we got a notice from the city that our grass is to high . What ? we do not even has grass . We got this stuff that is green , but I would not call it grass . Besides we live in the ghetto . Yes we live a half million dollar home in the ghetto ! We are the token white family , I now know what it is like to be a minority ! yesterday I asked Sam and Amber to take the kittens up to the grocery store and weighted the kittens . The kittens have to be 2 pounds before they can go back and I do not have a scale . Sam and Amber would not do it . They must get their sense of humor from Rusty . Tomorrow is Ambers birthday . She will be 17 ! So we are going to go to the beach down on base . I am so hoping that there will be some hard bodies p . t . ing on the beach . We are trying to get the use of a surf board , so that all of us can try surfing . After all doesent everyone in California know hao to surf ? Rusty and I had sat down and made out a list of questions . To my great surprise this teacher answered all of the questions the way we were hoping he would . Not only that Ryan had been recommended for a new program that they are starting next year ! The new class is called " life skills " . The high school already has this class , and now they are starting it in junior high . The children in this class do not take " normal " classes . There will be no history or science . They only focus on stuff that will actually help them . Such things as learning how to count money , how to take the bus , how to wash laundry . Jake called yesterday to tell us that Nikki was going over to her new friends house . UMM O . K . ? you guys are in Oregon ! Why are you calling me to tell me all of this ? Ambers boyfriend Sam got accepted into the fire academy and he has a fire station that is sponsoring him . So now all of his weekend will be spent volunteering as a fire fighter . I am so happy for Sam . The only thing that I do not like is that the fire station that is sponsoring him is the one up in the mountain , which means if the mountain goes up then he will be fighting that fire . Rusty has some very busy weeks ahead of him . He told me last night that he will be working late for the next two weeks and today he went in early . I so wish I could help him out . We have ants again this year . I swear they built our house ontop of an ant hill ! Last night I walked into the bathroom and the counter was moving . I am decided to just walk around with a big jug of that ortho home defense . I so hate ants ! Well Nikki left last night for Oregon . I talked to her last night and this morning and she said that she is having a blast . I am so glad . One of the guys asked me last night what Nikki was going to do about missing school and I just shrugged my shoulders . The teachers did give her all of the work that she will miss . I however know that true " education " does not always come from a book . I guess what I am trying to say is that life lessons can not be tought in school . Well my house is so trashed . I am going to take it one task at a time , and I will eventually get it cleaned up . I now know what my friend meant when she " trying to keep your house spotless is not a good use of time . Family and friend are more inportant " How true that is . Over the weekend I told Rusty that I was going to get my hair trimmed . Rusty said " o . k . , but please do not get a lot cut off , I love your hair . " When I got to the beauty shop I had to stand up so that the lady could cut the back of my hair ! I never realized how long it was . I only got an inch cut off . Then last night Rusty asked me if I wanted to go out on a date with him . So we went and got some ice cream . I said " I had no idea that you liked my hair so much . First you asked me stop straightening it because you like the curls , and now you ask me to not get a lot cut off . " Rusty just smiled and said " I love the way your hair falls around your face and mine while we are making love " Well , I wont be cutting my hair short , and straightening it any more . Yesterday Amber and Sam went on a Harly run up to the national cemetary . Amber called and asked me where her grandparents grave was . She then called me back and she was crying . That was the first time Amber had been to the grave . Amber said that she gave them a kiss before she left . I did however go up to the cemetery . I sent Rusty an e mail with thee pictures in it . Rusty just cried . He told me thank you . Rusty said that he really is not ready to go up there yet , but he is glad that I did that for him . Then we walked over to this section of the cometary that had all of the flags waving . I thought it was an awesome sight . I am not glad that all of these people died serving their country , but to think that someone took the time to line up all of those flags is just awesome ! On the way home from the cemetery I told Kevin that my dad taught me a very important lesson . He did not teach me this lesson by any words but by his actions . My dad always flew our flag and when needed he would tie a yellow ribbon around the top of it . My dad never talked about the service , but he would never let someone else talk bad about our service men and women . Lord help the person that ever burned a flag around him . My dad taught me that being a proud American does not happen when it is a popular thing to do . Being a proud American is a full time job . I really do not need to be reminded what Memorial day is all about . I am living it . I am going to spend this weekend entertaining the marines and a sailor . I know the cost of war and I know the sacrifice of these men and women . Today I was happy to see people sleeping in . I was happy to justsit around and talk . I was happy to just be able to spend some time with out friends . This is what Memorial day is all about . It is not only about honoring our fallen hero 's , but also those who are still serving . Right now I have a group of service men and women sitting around a fire . I know that they are laughing and telling war stories . I think I am the luckiest person in the world . Anyway I am sure you can guess which one is the before and after photo from the desk . I must say that I think the desk turned out good . This was the first time I had stripped and refinished anything . Oh I will have to add that to my list of first for the year ! We had a house fill last night . That was not to big of a surprise to me , we even had a few new people here . What pissed me off was the fact that I got up this morning and the was trashed ! No one bothered to do anything , so we ants all over the kitchen . I was so not happy this morning . Rusty has been working a lot this week and he is getting stressed out . That is not good for his heart and the stress is taking its toll on me as well . Yesterday and today some of the guys went down and helped Rusty out . So that was a little bit of relief for him . I am thinking that we are all going to head down to the lake today . I just love sitting by the water . Maybe I will even get some sun ! I so hate being so pale . You know what I want ? I want a girlfriend . There are some girls that come up here , but no one that I can really just hang out with . Beth and I are getting closer but for the most part I am just here doing my thing . I don 't drink , so I am excluded when everyone else is drinking . I guess I am boring to them . Who knows . Amber and Nikki are off doing their thing for the weekend . I don 't expect to see either of them ! I am so glad that they are starting to get a life . I just thought of something . Last year was the first year that Rusty and I visited his parents grave . We put flowers out and wiped off the headstone . . . . . I am wondering if I should go do that for him this year . I know that Rusty has been working a lot and I know that last year Rusty had a hard time looking at his parents grave . Maybe I should go and just take a picture for him . Or is this something I should ask him if he would like to go ? I will have to think about this . I am finally done with the desk ! I am so happy . I have the last coat of sealant on the top . I will be able to move the desk inside in just a few hours ! Last night Rusty and all of the children said that the desk looked good . That really shocked me . I do get a lot of compliments on my projects . My family mainly thinks I am crazy . Amber and Sam are ditching school today so they will be here to help me do a lot of the heavy lifting . I will take some before and after pictures of our desk area . I just wish I would have gotten a before picture of the desk . Oh well Rusty is working on getting a new contract so that the company he works for will be this other companies exclusive distributor of some gear . This all sounded real boring to me until Rusty said cha ching ! Rusty is on salary , but twice a year he gets a profit sharing check . So , the more he ships from his warehouse the more money we make . I like that . I have been wanting a porch swing for so long . So I mentioned to Rusty that Lowes has one on sale and he said that I can go buy it on payday . I have been waiting so long for those darn things to come down in price ! O . K . so while we were out in the desert some of the guys were talking rock climbing . Not on a wall but out on the big rocks . I told them that I would be back out there in June and asked them if they would take me rock climbing . The guys said they would . Rusty looked at me and said " no " . So a little while later I asked him again . Once again his answer was no . I finally said " Why is it o . k . for you to go and do dangerous things ? " He said that was what the marine corp paid him to do . Well that is a double standard ! I will keep working on this subject after all I do have a few weeks . Amber has not gotten any calls on the water slide . That is o . k . we are going to keep passing out flyers . Maybe once we get closer to summer people will be more interested . I just can 't believe how hard it is for these kids to raise money . Does anyone have any other ideas for her ? Last night one of our friends called to talk Rusty . It seems that he will be getting promoted on June 1 , and he asked Rusty to pin on his new rank . Rusty was honored that one of his " boys " would think to ask him . I am going to go to the store and get Amber her photo albums . Then I am going to come home and get busy on the desk that I have been trying to finish for a year . I only have one drawer left to sand and then I need to seal it . Next week our friend Kevin will be here so he will be able to help me move the desk into the house , and get everything set up . So today was much of the same . Get up , go pee , grab a cup of coffee , let the dogs out and feed all of the cats . Then I check all of my e mails , clean up around the house , and do whatever for the rest of the day . Today I attempted to make that damn dog bed . The directions were still in Greek , and by the time I got done with with it , it did not look like the picture and I had pieces left over . I threw the whole damn thing away . Ryan had math home work tonight . 90 % of it was wrong . I just left it . I am sick of beating my head against brick wall . The teachers are paid to teach him , not me . I am in such a rut . I do the same shit everyday . I have no adult conversation during the day . By the time Rusty gets home he is so tired that eats something , plays a computer game and then goes to bed . Tonight I had to wonder what could we talk about ? Rusty does not want to hear about my day . He does not care that I cleaned the bathroom and took the kittens out to play . Why bother ? I know , I know . I am so very lucky to be married to a man that does not care what I do . I know that I am blessed to not have to work . I know , I know I know . I guess I am just wondering when my life will stop revolving around my children . I so want to start living my life . I have been a mom since I was 19 and I am ready to go find a life that does not revolve around my children . Yes I am being greedy . But that is what I want . I found out last night that the chamber of commerce is NOT going to pay the youth group for the fund raiser that they did for them . What ? That means Nikki is out almost $ 200 ! The chamber of commerce had these phone books printed up and Nikki 's youth group passed them out as a fund raiser . Simple right ? Well it turns out that the Chamber has more more phone books that they want passed out before they will pay them on ANY of the work . The thing is the phone books have not been printed yet ! So why can 't they pay us on the ones that were passed out ? Good question . I do know that there are a lot of mad moms out there , so the chamber of commerce better be prepared to handle us ! I am not going to stress over the money issue . Nikki has just started talking to more people and the money is coming in . Screw the chamber of commerce ! The other day I sat down to sew that dog bed and man the directions suck ! I know I was reading the English side of the instructions , but I swear you could have been speaking Greek to me . I have been looking at the picture and I think I have figured it out . keep word there is THINK ! LOL Last night Amber had to write a poem for her English class . So she wrote the poem about me . Amber used words like strong , inspirational , funny , a rock to lean on . I was so shock that she thought of me that way . I was very impressed . The other day my girlfriend and I were sitting in traffic . Next to us was a van that rented those jolly jumpers and water slides . I said why would people rent a water slide when you can buy one for $ 300 and use it whenever you wanted to ? That got my mind going . Rusty and I talked about it . We can buy pre printed leases and liability releases . HMMM . Maybe Amber would want to do this to raise money for her trip ? So we pitched the idea to Amber . Amber is ever the pessimist , but we answered all of her questions . Amber finally said , " mom $ 300 is a lot of money for me to lose if no one rents my water slide " . So we told her that if no one rents her slide that we would buy it from her . Last night Amber go a lesson on business and how it cost money to make money . Then Amber got interested and she started calling the local rental places and found out that they were charging $ 250 for a four hour rental . Amber says well then I will charge $ 200 . Amber pitched this idea to one of our friends and she said " the fruit of a tree is out on the limbs , so you need to go there " . What great advice . Then Amber said " just think after I make the money I need to for the trip everything else goes me ! " Nikki is getting excited because she is getting ready to start her summer of running . Next Monday Nikki and Jake leave for Oregon for two weeks . Then Nikki comes back for two weeks , and leaves for Nicaragua for two weeks . Once back from there she will have two weeks off then all of the children will be going to my moms for two weeks . Once back from there Nikki will be going to summer camp and then school will start . I am warn out just writing about her summer ! It is final , next year Nikki will be going to Africa . So I need to get with the cdc and find out what shots she will need and how soon we can start getting them . The trip to Africa will be close to $ 4 , 000 ! We are going to start fund raising very soon . Big and Rich gave a great concert . During the song the 8th of November a color guard came out carrying the colors . I have never heard the marines cheer so loud . It was so nice that Big and Rich thought to do that . There were two single guys who shared a room and when they woke up the next morning there was a good looking chick sleeping next to one of them . They did not know who she was or how she got there ! LOL The next morning we all went to denny 's for breakfast . So there are 12 of us waiting around for a table . I am sitting between two of our friends when this other marine and his wife walked in . This marine looked like he had a stick up his ass and just gave all of us a dirty look . So I leaned over to one of the marines and said " that marine is looking at us . lets give him something to talk about " . I gave that marine a kiss . Then I said the same thing to all of the male marines as I made my rounds and kissed them all ! Then Beth says to me , well lets really give him something to talk about ! Yesterday evening I decided to go start some work on the front yard . All along the picket fence needed to be trimmed . O . K . this should be an easy task . I called Rusty and asked him if we owned a weed eater . Rusty said that technically we do . Which translate into we have no idea where it is . Thats o . k . I have these hand clippers that I bought at the 99 cent store . OH BOY were they ever 99 cent store trimmer . They last a whole two cuts before they fell apart ! I am not going to be detoured . I went and found some old scissors and I trimmed everything up with a pair of old sewing scissors ! Today my boss is coming over to pay me out and we have a little bit of work to do . I need to tie up some loose ends , and make a list for the marines that will " watching " the children . Then I am done ! Tonight some of us girls are going shopping and then we leave in the morning for the concert ! I so can 't wait . I need a break . I am liking the new way that aol has set up the journals . It was so easy for me to load the video yesterday . I am computer savvy , so anything that make it easy on me is great . I can so relate to that video . Our children think they know me so well . They would die if they ever knew that while I was in Germany I partied in a castle , and that I had sex on a throne ! I am still amazed that people live in castles and have thrones , but oh well . anyway , back to subject , our children really do not know that much about me . They have only known me for a short time . I had a life before my children and I plan on having a life after my children ! I am so far behind on my sewing , so I have started just sewing one piece a day . I do not know how I have gotten so far behind , but I did . That 's o . k . so far no one is bitching about not being able to use the dining room table . Anyway , June gloom has arrived early for us . It is cold , and over cast here , but by the afternoon we are up in the 90 's . What is that about ? Rusty told me yesterday that he has to be back in 29 palms for a tent sale on the weekend of my birthday . So we are going to make the best out of it . This weekend we are going to grab a bunch of flyers and whatever we can find and see what there is to do in 29 palms . We are going to turn this into a little retreat ! I so need to get outside and get some yard work done , however I am going to put that off until Monday when I can spend the whole day out there and get it all done in one day . OH ! My pumpkins have come up , and the sun flowers are about 6 inches tall . The strawberries have flowers and so do the tomatoes ! I am so happy ! I am really hoping to get at least three pumpkins . Another subject . Amber did not get the job at target . She said " screw the French , if it was not for us they would be speaking German ! " That my girl always looking for the positive . Amber did go and apply at k . b . toys and at the levi 's store . I know she will find a better job then flipping pizza . My husband has been laughing at me for the past few days because the kittens follow me around like I am their mom . Every night I put them to bed in a crate that is next to our bed . They will not make a sound until they hear my voice . Once they hear my voice they are up . I call them just like I would call dog and they come . Is this normal ? All of my cats are like this . Maybe they do not know they are cats , maybe I am just crazy . Last night hubby and I had to run to wal mart to get the children some new tooth brushes . He asked me if they could just use their fingers . I told him no . So we go to wal mart , which we both hate , and we grabbed a few extra things . We are walking to lawn and garden so that we can check out . here was that conversation Yesterday I bought a new light fixture for the kitchen . I told Rusty that I would install it , and he said no . Rusty is funny about me doing certain things around the house . I love learning how to do stuff , he thinks that I should not have to do certain things . I think I am going to try to install it . I love the feeling of success . I love knowing that there are things I can do even if I don 't have to . Then I can it to my list of new things I have done this year . LOL Last night I finally got back in touch with a guy that use to work for Rusty . We have been friends forever , but the last time he went to Iraq we lost touch . So I called him yesterday and left him a voice mail letting him know that we were going to be at 29 palm . ( this guy is stationed there ) Well he is on leave so we won 't be able to get together . Part of being in the military is having friends scattered across the country . I do miss all of them when they leave , but it so nice to be able to pick up the phone and just call them and pick up right where we left off at . Tonight Rusty has this change of command ceremony for the vfw . He is going to be post commander . The last time Rusty was post commander some of the people were very rude to me . That was also the year that Rusty had his heart attack . Rusty said that it would mean a lot to him if I went . I do not want to go . I do not like dealing with the politics , and I think that Rusty has bitten off more then he can chew . I will however go and stand by him . That is just what you do when you love someone . Do you guys want to know what I have done today ? I have done nothing . Well I have done a few things , but I just cannot get my but into gear and I do not want to do anything ! So I have done nothing . oh I just got a taste for some mac and cheese and a milk shake . I will make that since I want it . I did work a lot this weekend , but I am starting to catch up on it . I am glad that I have the work . Nikki needs a new dress for the 8th grade dinner dance , and then she needs money for the 8th grade trip to disney . We are not broke , but I sometimes feel like I do not do enough to contribute to the house hold budget . Rusty says that I need to get over it . Over the weekend my boss offered to let the girls work for him . They each made $ 100 and they were happy . That had to be the easiest $ 100 they will ever make . I so looking forward to this weekend . Friday night four of us girls are going to go shopping for some new clothes . We think we all need a new outfit since we are going to a concert on Saturday . Thats right , I am running away with a bunch of adults . We are all heading out to 29 palm because Big and Rich and Cowboy troy are giving a concert on base ! So we are going to go out there Saturday and then spend the night and come home on Monday ! The above pictures were taken over the weekend . The animal shelter asked me to get some pictures of the Marines with kittens because they wanted to use them for posters . Can you believe that these are big bad marines ? LOL My boss called me yesterday to ask me to do some work for him . Some work ? I am slammed ! But I am going to make the most out of it . Yesterday I went to visit a friend that I have not seen in while . We were sitting on her front porch drinking some tea when I asked her what was up with her neighbors . She said that they had their house foreclosed on . O . K . that would explain why all of their belongings were in the front yard . So we just sat there for a few minutes looking at all of the stuff . Then my friend says you know I stole some of their flowers . I hope they do well in our yard . Hmm so I asked her to help me steal some for my yard . Rusty comes home and asked where I got the new flowers from . I told him that Sylvia ( my friend ) and I stole them from her neighbor . Rusty just looked at me and finally said " I can 't let you play with anyone can I " This morning I cut my hand trying to open some cat food . I must say that I sliced it good and there was blood everywhere ! So I got out some bandages and then Rusty could not find any tape . We even looked for Duck tape . I guess it is time to restock on medical supplies . So last night I went to the store to buy some stuff . The first thing on my list was coffee . I think Coffee is the key to me having a good day ! So Amber comes home with a stack of papers that need to be filled out . They were from Ambers work . Now Amber is still working at this little pizza joint that maybe has 8 employees . In this stack of papers were one for homeland security ! I am not sure if I should laugh or be shocked . This is the first time I have ever seen these papers . Is this a sign of the times ? A 16 year old who works at local pizza joint has to be reported to homeland security ? I do have to do some running around this morning . Nikki made a cake for one of her teachers , so she asked me to take it up to her school . I have to go buy some new nipples for the kittens bottles . They have managed to chew through there old ones ! I swear they are worse then babies someday . Last night I pulled out this skirt that I made last year . I really like this skirt , so I think I am going to go look and see if I still have the pattern . I just love wearing skirt in the summer . They are so cool . My boss called me last night and asked me if I was ready to get slammed with some work . So I guess by the end of the week I will be working . I do not mind that much , the extra money will be nice . Oh yesterday I kept seeing smoke like something was on fire . Well I was right . I got up this morning to find out that L . A . is on fire . It does not surprise me , but I am glad that it is not close to us . We have been so dry for so long , and we live near a national forest , so the mountain would go up quick . Last night I made my to do list for today . Then I got the kittens up and noticed that felix had gone down hill over night . Gunky eyes and nose and he was having trouble breathing . So I had to take all the way down to base so that the vet could give him some meds . O . K . while all of that is going on I decided to be nice and call Rusty and Ross , and see if they wanted lunch . Ross said " Well I guess , But you don 't have to " So I head off to sub way and get all of us lunch . I did have to call Ross and ask him if he was picky , and he said no . I finally get all of our lunches and drinks in my hands and I am ready to walk out the door . Oh no , and ass load of marines decided to come through the door and push me out of the way . They were so rude . I am staying focused on my mission . Take Ross some lunch . He has duty so he can 't leave . I am doing a nice thing right ? So I get to his work and I can 't find him . Then he yells at me and I look up . He is on the third freaking floor ! It is 90 degrees and I do not need an ass work out today . I told him to come and get it . He grabbed it and ran back to his post . Now I have to drive all the way through base . . . . Camp Pendleton is HUGE . . . and out the main gate . I finally get to Rusty 's work and I walk in and hand him his lunch . He opens up his sandwich and says " you know I do not like all of this shit on my sandwich " . I just sat there with my mouth shut . I finally got the kittens back and came home . I am wiped out , and the children want me to cook dinner . Oh that 's right I am the only one who can use a stove ! So I am cooking dinner . I see an early night for me . I did ask Rusty to get off a little early tomorrow . All of the children will be gone , so I thought maybe I would make us some dinner and we could go to the lake and watch the sun go down behind the mountains . I am not planning on that happening , but I can dream right ? So this morning I was running around trying to complete my to do list . Then the kittens woke up . So I took them out side . There we were just sitting on a blanket in the front yard soaking up some rays . It felt so nice . That was when it me . I am out of balance . I do not know how it happened but it did , and I am now ready to get back in balance . Balance is good . Before I start to write my next to do list I am going to put down some me time . I don 't care if that is playing with the kittens or taking a long bubble bath . I need some me time . I went and talk to the person in charge of summer school and I was surprised by her answers to me . Nikki can take Health in summer school any time she wants . It does not have to be this year . If I wait until Nikki is 16 then I can enroll her at Bringham Young University where she can take this health class . She will get both high school and college credit for it ! So it looks like next year Nikki is going to start taking health class . Why does the system not advertise this stuff ? Why are so many high school students taking all of these high school classes and not getting " college " credit for them ? I guess that would be way to easy . I have gotten done everything that I had wanted to get done . So I am going to go do some sewing and then I will cook dinner . I am not going to get out of balance again . Life is to short to run in circles ! OH one last thing . The girls got a card from their " grandmother " the other day saying thanks for sending the flowers and for the cards . The girls looked at each other and then handed the card tome . What the heck ? Does she think that the girls did all of this on their own ? Oh well , no worries on my part . I got up yesterday and asked Jake to put on a pot of coffee . Jake said " mom I think we are out of coffee " Sure enough we are out of coffee and I have no chi tea left ! How will I get through this morning ? Mothers Day is next Sunday , I guess I need to go get my mom a card . I think I am going to buy her a gift card for south west airlines . My mom says that she is going to come out in the fall , so this should help her out a little bit . The people behind us came over last week and told us that they were going to replace the fence , and that it fence would be down for Friday and Saturday . Well it is Monday and the the post are not even in the ground ! GRRR I am getting so sick of chaining Butter up . OH ! A few weeks ago one of the Marines brought up their girlfriend and her name was MaryAnn . Well we got to talking and it turns out that her dad is retired Navy . O . K . what ever . Then the other night I was talking to MaryAnn on the phone and Rusty asked me to ask her who her dad was . Well it turns out that her dad is the one who replaced Rusty 's shoulder ! So we told MaryAnn that if she and Ross break up we are going to keep Her and not the Marine . LOL Chris asked me to " help " him sew this shirt that he wants . So we went and picked out the material and all of the trim and everything . Chris breaks out the instructions and starts to read them and then he said I am lost . I told him told cut the pattern out . While he was doing that I read the instructions and tossed them aside . Chris asked if we were going to follow them and I told him no . I am such a bad teacher ! So next weekend the shirt should be done . I must admit that I so wanted to go grab the shirt from him and do it myself so that it would be done in an hour , but I did not . The only way to learn to sew is to do it ! Nikki did get a good laugh when Chris said " mom I think I sewed this wrong " . I looked at it and said " yes you did , take it apart and do it again ! " Nikki hates those words . CJ finished this box that he made for his girlfriend Beth . It looks really nice . I must admit that it was nice to see the boys doing something besides drinking and crashing ! LOL I am trying to get the kittens off the bottle , but it is going very slow . I am just going to have to keep trying . I know that they will figure it out . I think I am going to have to re home neffi . She is not doing good with the dogs . The poor cat is living under our bed and will only come out to eat and use her litter box . She is just so scared of the dogs . That is no way for her to live . Rusty and I have been going in different directions for a few weeks now . So today I ironed all of his work shirts . I know that would help him out a little . For the last few Sunday , I have gone out to his truck and cleaned out his trash can and put a new bag in it . I don 't think he has noticed yet , but it is just something little that I can do for him . Jake brought up a new gal yesterday and she seems really nice . The girls had fun hanging out with her . I like for the girls to hang out with women who are " going somewhere " . I think it is good for them . Anyway , Amber had her wort and her mole frozen the other day and I think they look nasty . The doctor said we may have to go back for another treatment . I really like this doctor . He did his interns up at Loma Linda Children 's hospital . That hospital is a top rated hospital , and this doctor also believes in " non traditional " medicine . I am having an issue with the school system . I know that comes as a shock to everyone . I called about this class that Nikki has to take in summer school . Well the class is suppose to start on June 20 , and that is also the same day that Nikki gets back from Nicaragua . The school system is trying to tell me that if she misses the first day of class that she will be dropped to make room for some other student who failed the class in regular school . O . K . let me get this straight . My child has done nothing wrong , is passing all of her classes , is going into advance classes , taking a trip of a life time , and you want to bump her because some flunky can 't pass the class in regular school ? I do not think so . I am going to take this to the superintendent , and then the school board if I have to . Have I ever mentioned how much I hate the school system ? ! See the frog hanging on ? That is me . The other three frogs are my children ! i am telling you I have been so busy the last few days and today is not looking any slower ! I was all ready for bed last night and I was hoping to get into bed about 8 and then maybe watch so t . v . . Oh no , Nikki asked me to alter her dress ! I told her no and that it would have to wait . Then Amber said mom will you do my laundry ? The answer to that was NO . Nikki got accepted into AVID . AVID is an advanced placement for incoming freshmen . So Nikki has to go to summer school , so that she can take an advanced class during the school year . I do not know where this child got her brains from , but I know they did not come from me ! If Nikki stays on track she will finish all of her high school classes in two years and then the last two years she will be able to take college classes . Nikki will get both high school credit and college credit ! GO Nikki ! I got three of the cutest kittens ever to foster . I am so glad that I am doing this . Helping animals was high on my list of things to do this year . Right now the kittens are about 2 ounces ! They are so small . CJ and I went down to help Rusty do some work today . O . K . CJ helped Rusty , I was told to stand there and look pretty . So I did . Amber had a doctors appointment today , and I gave her insurance card and told her to go . Amber was suppose to have a mole and a wort looked at . Nothing major . Amber called me and told me that they would not see her ! O . K . not I am trying to figure this out . Here in California a child can get an abortion and no one can tell the parents , but my daughter cannot have a mole looked at without me being there ? How stupid is that ! Rusty and I have been like two ships passing in the night . Yesterday we met for lunch , but we had to rush through it because he had to get back to work . Last night I was so busy that I did not get home until 8 p . m . and Rusty was in bed . So I called Rusty and asked him to give me a call when he left work . I am hoping that the two of us can meet for dinner or something . CJ went out and uncovered the desk . Then he grabbed the sander and started sanding it ! I asked him what he was doing because I had told him that my goal for this week was to finish it . He just laughed and said that he also likes to restore old things and he loves working with wood . So I am going to let him have some fun ! LOL I have been gone all day and there is still a million things to do , so I better get busy before the kittens wake up and want to be fed again . Oh I guess I should mention that they are still being bottle fed about every 4 hours . Man I forgot what it is like to have babies . So after I got all of the planting done , I started on Dustins quilt . I can 't believe that I am almost done with the top of it ! I was just jammin on that quilt yesterday . Yes , I will post a picture of it when I am done ! Man my mom duties were stretched to the limit yesterday . Yesterday I told Amber how I felt about her prom and I told her that a cursed her to a million plus people on the Internet . She asked me what curse I put on her and then she told me that her hair did go flat ! LOL A small victory for me . Amber said oh don 't worry about it this was just a dress rehearsal for my senior prom next year . Nikki said that her friend Brenna has just stopped talking to her for whatever reason . So , Nikki was upset about that . I so understand about loosing a friend . Then Jake called me . It seems that this chick that Chris was talking to is now calling Jake ! I told both of the boys that this chick is bad news and that they should run the other way . Oh I hope they listen to me . Today I am going to finish up some laundry , get the house swept and cleaned up , and try to finish Dustins quilt . All of this may go on hold if the sun comes out . I so want to work on that desk . Even that may be put on hold , because I am waiting for a call from the base animal shelter . They have 4 kittens that are in need of a foster mom and the kitten are only four weeks old ! I am a stay at home mom . I am also married to a veteran and he is the love of my life . I keep it real here and I hold nothing back . My life is a roller coaster ride , so strap on your seatbelt . . . . here we go ! |
One Month LaterIt was warm for late October . Fanny stood on the deck watching Peter and Harold cavort with Arlo on the pier . A couple of times Arlo got too close to the edge but each time he stopped just in time . Arlo had so much energy . Maybe it was time to get a second dog so he would have a playmate . She waved and Harold waved back . " Hey , Fanny . Pete and I are going to take the Whaler out . Call Arlo . " " Are you sure you don 't want to take him with you ? " She knew there was no way Arlo would get in the boat . He was afraid of the water . It was only his adoration of Harold and Peter that enticed him to venture onto the pier . She clapped her hands three time . " Arlo ! Come here . " Arlo turned and ran toward her . He didn 't stop until she had reached the top of the wooden stairs that led to the second floor deck . She opened the gate and he rushed in . " Good Doggy . What do good dogs get ? " Arlo immediately sat and extended his paw and Fanny took a sausage stick from her pocket . " I don 't know how Harold can say that you 're undisciplined . You 're perfect Arlo . " She turned in time to see her husband and son set off up the creek . She smiled and went inside to continue dinner preparations . It had been a month since the ordeal . That 's what they had begun calling it . A month - and it was time to celebrate . They had invited Detective Jacoby down for the weekend and he had asked if he could bring a friend . She had guessed that the friend was Bonnie Jaffe . Jack hadn 't gone into specifics he did say that they had been seeing quite a bit of each other . Fanny was happy for them . She certainly deserved a good man after putting up with Stuart Jaffe all those years . When she 'd said as much to Harold he had reminded her gently what happened the last time she gave marital advice . It was Harold who suggested they call Mosby Ellis and have him come down too . " That way we can make it a real celebration . " The weather was certainly cooperating . It looked like it would be warm enough to have dinner out on the deposted by Brenda Mantz at 2 : 01 PM | Monday MorningJerry Benson smiled . He realized it was the first time he 'd really smiled in days . Harold and Fanny were sound asleep , spooned together on the narrow hospital bed . He thought about letting them sleep , but he couldn 't wait to share the news . " Harold . Fanny . Wake up you two lovebirds . Time to rise and shine . " Harold opened his eyes . When he saw the broad smile on Jerry 's he knew he had good news for them . " They caught him didn 't they ? " Jerry 's smile got broader . " Yep . They arrested him early this morning at the Senator 's house in Great Falls . They stopped him just as he was about to stab Bonnie Jaffe . Mosby Ellis is a hero . How 's Fanny doing ? " " Hi , Jerry . Fanny is doing just great . Starving , but great . And she is ready to go home . " " Tell me , Harold . Has your wife always referred to her in the third person or is this a new symptom ? " It felt so good to be cracking jokes and laughing after the stress of the past few days . " Why don 't you two brush your teeth , pee and comb your hair . I 'll go get us some breakfast . Bagels for you and me , Fanny . Kale and walnuts for your husband . " Harold looked genuinely disappointed . " This is a celebration , Jerry . I think that calls for a brief hiatus of Dr . Burger 's diet . Bring me a western omelet with tabasco and an order of hash browns . " " Harold , what about your adrenals ? " " I 'll leave you two alone to work that out . I 'll be right back . " After Jerry left them alone Harold and Fanny were quiet for a moment . In the past few days had been a nightmare and they both knew the effect of that nightmare would be with them for some time to come . But , for now , the only thing that mattered to either of them was they were safe and they were together . " We should call , Peter . " Harold was ahead of her . He 'd already picked up his cell phone . " You know this is against the rules , don 't you ? " Pete must have picked up the phone because Harold smiled and gave Fanny the thumbs up sign . " Everything is fine , Pete . Your Mom just wanted tposted by Brenda Mantz at 1 : 59 PM | The ride back to the station was silent . Jacoby and Reno had plenty they wanted to talk about but neither wanted to say anything with Stone in the back seat . Stone only spoke once . " You can let Senator Jaffe go now . You 've caught the one you want . " Jacoby and Reno exchanged amused glances , but said nothing . Only after Stone had been placed securely in his cell did they allow themselves to discuss what had happened . They went to Reno 's office where he buzzed the front desk . " Let me know when Ellis Mosby and Bonnie Jaffe get here - and could you bring us a couple of cups of coffee ? Black . " After their coffee had been brought in the two men relaxed for a moment before either spoke . " It 's been quite a day , hasn 't it , Jack ? " Jacoby smiled . That was the second time Barry Reno had called him by his first name . That was fine with him . The two of them had probably been through enough to put them on a first name basis . " You 're right about that , Barry . Do you mind holding onto Stone until I can arrange his transfer ? " " No problem . After all you 've done , it 's the least we can do . " " My only regret is we couldn 't come up with more on the Senator . How long do you think you can hold him ? It 's pretty clear that Stone doesn 't intend to implicate him . " " It depends . " You wait here . I just remembered I needed to check on something . I 'll be right back . " It occurred to Jacoby that the little detective had something up he sleeve but the was too tired to speculate . He just sipped his coffee and let his thoughts wander . He was surprised when one of the things it wandered to was Bonnie Jaffe . From the moment he met her , Jacoby had been intrigued by her wit and her dynamism . He also admired the way she had handled herself earlier . He found himself wondering what she would do if he invited her to dinner sometime when all this was over with . Barry Reno was gone more than fifteen minutes and when he returned Mosby Ellis and the young technician that Jacoby had met earlier were with him . " You remember Saposted by Brenda Mantz at 1 : 57 PM | Mosby drove blindly toward what he hoped was the Senator 's house . One of the stories he had read on the Internet included a picture of Jaffe and his family standing in front of their two - story brick home in Great Falls . He remembered it was on a cul - de - sac near the river . There was a stream and a gazebo . He closed his eyes and tried to picture the house . He remembered there was a footbridge . All the homes looked the same . Maybe it was hopeless . Once a policeman had pulled up behind him and Mosby thought he was going to ask him why he was driving so slowly through this upscale neighborhood , but the patrolman had just passed him and drove on . He was about to give up when he spotted the house . He was almost past it when he 'd seen the dark colored Lincoln Navigator in the driveway . " We did it , Lilly . We found it . Now what ? " The lights were on in the house . What did that mean ? He parked the Mazda behind the Navigator and crept toward the house . For a moment he wondered what a fifth grade teacher was doing skulking up to a strange house at two in the morning . He wasn 't even sure it was the right house . There were probably a hundred Navigators parked in Great Falls . Maybe he should get out of there before he ended up getting himself shot . But then from inside the house he heard a crash and the sound of someone falling . He ran the remaining few steps to the front door and got there just as it opened and a terrified Bonnie Jaffe fell into his arms . Just behind her Mosby saw Carl Stone holding a long knife . Mosby slammed the door closed just as Stone got to the door . " Run to my car and get it started . I 'll try to hold him . " Bonnie didn 't waste any time . She ran toward the Mazda while Mosby used all his force to hold the door closed . He heard his car growl to life and out of the corner of his eye he saw the Mazda barreling across the lawn toward the front of the house . " Get in ! " Bonnie yelled as she opened the passenger door . Mosby let go of the doorknob , ran toward the car and through the open door . He slaposted by Brenda Mantz at 2 : 05 PM | Jacoby had sprinted out of the office to his car with Barry Jones at his heels . Jones barely had time to slam the car door closed before Jacoby peeled out of the parking lot . Jones fastened his seat belt and looked apprehensively at Jacoby . " Where are we going , Jack ? If you don 't slow down I 'm going to have to give you a speeding ticket . " In response , Jacoby clamped a flashing blue light to the roof and turned on the siren of his unmarked police car . Jones was grateful that it was after 2 : 00 AM and there was almost no traffic on Route 7 . When Jacoby made the left onto Georgetown Pike , it dawned on Barry Jones where they were heading . " Why are we going to the Senator 's house ? " " Because that 's where Carl Stone is . " As he drove , Jacoby told Jones about his suspicions . " Even full of liquor , something tells me that Bonnie Jaffe is a woman that keeps her wits about her . She tried to tell that dim - witted officer I sent her home with that something was wrong at the house , but he was too thick headed to listen to her . " " You might be right , but how can you be so sure he 's still there ? Why would he hang around the Senator 's house ? " " Because he hadn 't finished what he 'd come to do . " " What 's that , Jacoby ? " " Kill Bonnie Jaffe . " At that moment a terrified Bonnie was sitting in her husband 's leather chair next to the fireplace . It was the same chair Jaffe had been sitting in when he 'd told Stone how he 'd killed Victoria Sherwood . Carl Stone was standing in front of Bonnie Jaffe holding a long knife . She swallowed hard . She knew if she had any chance of surviving she was going to have to think of a way to delay Stone long enough for Jacoby to get there . She tried to estimate how long it would take him to get to her . " Carl , stop and think for a moment about what you 're doing . I 'm Stuart 's wife for God 's sake . My husband would be livid if he knew what you were doing right now . " " He 'll thank me . He hasn 't loved you for a long time . I 'm doing him a favor . " " You 're iposted by Brenda Mantz at 12 : 54 PM | Mosby was dreaming . He was dreaming about a woman in a multi - colored skirt dancing around a crackling campfire . She was laughing . She was laughing at him . She was singing . Gelem Gelem lungone dromenca , Maladilem chorore romenca . Gelem Gelem lungone dromenca , Maladilem baxtale romenca . Ala voliv lake kale jakha , Kaj si gugle sar duj kale drakha . Ala voliv lake kale jakha , Kaj si gugle sar duj kale drakha . " Sing with me , Mosby . I have taught you this song . Sing it with me . " Mosby woke up . It took him a moment to remember where he was . He had fallen asleep on a couch in the hospital lobby . The words of Djelem , Djelem were still on his lips . It was an old Romani folk song . He had often listened to Lilly sing it while she cooked her stews . One day Mosby had asked her to teach it to him . He thought it might be fun to share it with his fifth graders . But then Lilly translated the lyrics for him . The song that had been so romantic before he knew its meaning had taken on the heartbreak that was the story of the Romani people . Oh , Roma , from wherever you have comeWith your tents along lucky roadsI too once had a large familyBut the black legion murdered themCome with me , Roma of the worldTo where the Romani roads have been openedNow is the time - stand up , Roma , We shall succeed where we make the effort . Now Lilly had also been murdered . Mosby had done all he could to save her , but still he felt responsible . He looked at his watch . It was 2 : 00 A . M . In a few hours he would have to face a roomful of fifth graders . How could he do that when the person who murdered his best friend was still free ? We shall succeed where we make the effort . Mosby sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes . " Lilly , Lilly , Lilly " he whispered . The lobby was empty except for the policeman at the elevator and the old woman at the information desk . It looked like she was napping . " I feel so helpless just sitting here while the monster who killed you is out there somewhere . What would he do ? Where would he go ? " He stood up and walked to the entrance and lookeposted by Brenda Mantz at 11 : 42 AM | Harold was awakened from a deep sleep by Fanny thrashing about in her sleep . She was turning her head from one side to the other and flailing at something with her fists . " Fanny . Wake up , honey . You 're having a bad dream . " He put his arms around her and tried to hold her still . " It 's all right , Fanny . You 're safe . " " Harold . It was awful . " " It was just a dream . Close your eyes and go back to sleep . I 'm right here . " " No , Harold . It wasn 't a dream . It was real . I saw it . " " What did you see , Fanny ? " He knew what she was going to say , but for some reason he needed to hear it from her . " I was asleep on the sofa in that tattoo parlor . Something woke me . I checked my watch . It was about 3 : 00 . I 'd been asleep for a few hours . I remember I felt like I needed to get to a telephone and call you could come and pick me up . I wanted you to go with me to the police to report my … " She hesitated . " … to report the abduction . " " Fanny . Are you sure you want to go on ? You don 't have to do this now ? " " Yes , I do , Harold . I pushed back the curtain . The red haired woman was in the back of the shop talking to a man . I only saw him from the back . Suddenly I saw the man lift his arm . He was holding a knife . I saw him plunge the knife into her face . After that , it 's all a blank . The next thing I remember is standing over her with that knife in my hand . " " Tomorrow you can tell the police what you 've remembered , but right now you need to sleep . " Fanny closed her eyes . In a few minutes her breathing slowed to a steady rhythm . Harold had slept next to her long enough to know she was asleep . He 'd lain next to her many nights , battling insomnia , envying the ease with which his wife fell asleep . He lay there a long time , just listening to her breathe . But he no longer envied her . She had lived through a lifetime of nightmares in the past three days . Meanwhile forty miles away in Great Falls , Virginia , Bonnie Jaffe had woken up to a real life nightmare . She 'd had the presence of mind to mumbposted by Brenda Mantz at 2 : 24 PM | Stuart Jaffe was silent during the short ride from the Fifth District Station to the Fairfax County Adult Detention Center where he was placed fingerprinted and photographed . " Remove your shirt , please . The young officer removed the camera from the tripod and walked across the room . " Turn to your right please . " Jaffe realized he was taking close up photographs of the tattoo on his left shoulder . " Hold still , Senator . We 're almost done . " He took a few more pictures , checked the monitor and returned the camera to the table . " Okay , sir . You can put your shirt on . We 're done . " Another officer came in and took him to a private holding cell . " Normally you 'd be required to wear a pair of orange coveralls , but since you 're a Senator they 're letting you wear your own clothes . You 'll have to give me your belt and shoelaces however . " Jaffe looked up at the grinning , round - faced officer . He couldn 't have been more than twenty - two . He was probably going to enjoy telling all his buddies how he locked up a United States Senator . Jaffe remove his laces and his belt and handed them over . He still hadn 't uttered a word - not since Jacoby had told him about his wife 's visit . At that moment Jacoby and Barry Jones were waiting impatiently for the photographer to email Jones the pictures he had taken of Jaffe 's tattoo . Jones was holding photo of the dead girl 's body , waiting to compare her tattoo to the one on Jaffe 's shoulder . Jones ' computer beeped , indicating the file had been received . " Moment of truth . " " Jones clicked on the attachment and the two men waited while the image of a tattoo slowly opened up on the screen . " What in the hell is that ? " " It 's an eagle , Barry . I am going to kill Ellis . " " Not so fast , Jacoby . What 's that ? " Jacoby watched as Jones zoomed in on the bottom right hand corner of the tattoo . " Correct me if I 'm wrong , Jacoby , but I see a symbol there at the bottom of the tattoo . Like a signature . Does that look like a dog to you ? " Jacoby looked where Joposted by Brenda Mantz at 11 : 50 AM | Sunday MorningIt was almost 2 : 00 AM , but Pete was still awake . Every time he closed his eyes , he saw the knife . Despite the fact that his apartment was being watched by two armed officers , he was still anxious . Maybe it was the combination of everything his family had gone through since Thursday . He opened a text book and tried to study but he found himself reading the same paragraph again and again . He picked up the phone on the first ring . " Hello ? " It was his father . " Did I wake you ? " " No . I was awake . How 's Mom ? " " Her long term memory has come back but she 's still confused about recent events . That 's why I didn 't call you earlier . The doctor was here asking her questions and then he tried to explain to me what he thought was going on . I 'll admit , most of the time it was like he was talking in another language . Anterograde amnesia . Retrograde amnesia . I 'm totally confused . Your mom is resting now . Anyway . How are you doing ? " " I 'm okay . Just a little jittery . The police are watching my apartment but they 're pretty sure whoever it was is miles away by now . " Harold debated whether he should tell his son he had been face to face with the man who had probably killed Petulengro and Doggett and who knows how many others , but Pete had already put it together . " I know this is all connected , but I just don 't know how . Why did the guy want you to bring Mom down here ? " " I talked to Jerry Benson after the doctor left tonight . He told me the police think the man was Carl Stone . He works for Senator Jaffe . They think Stone killed the woman in the tattoo parlor - the one your mother found . And they think he is worried that she may have seen him there and he wants to be sure she doesn 't tell anyone . " Pete could hear the catch in his father 's voice . It would have been torture for him realize that someone was planning to kill his wife . After a moment , his father continued . " Stone was spotted here at the hospital earlier today . He ran when he realized he 'd been recognized . The police figure that he concluded it was going to be impossible posted by Brenda Mantz at 9 : 06 AM | Bonnie Jaffe walked through the front door followed by a uniformed officer . " I don 't remember leaving that light on . " They came inside and went straight to the Senator 's office . " I left them right here on the desk . Someone has taken them . " The officer looked at her suspiciously . " You 're quite sure that this is where you left the letters ? " He opened and closed the drawers and looked under and around the desk . " They 're not here . Have you checked your purse ? Maybe you took them with you without remembering . " " No . They were right there . " Carl Stone listened from the guestroom upstairs . He knew that in a few minutes the policeman would leave . Bonnie Jaffe would come upstairs alone after stopping briefly at the bar to pour herself a liberal ration of the Senator 's whiskey . He only had to wait . She 'd been to the police . He could imagine what she 'd told him . If she 'd read the letters - and he was sure that she had - she knew about the Senator 's affair with Victoria Sherwood . Somehow she had managed to connect Sherwood to the murdered girl and she had gone to the police to tell them her husband was a killer . When she came upstairs he 'd give her time to finish her drink then he 'd kill her . If anyone deserved to die , she did . " Officer , before your leave , would you walk through the house and make sure he 's not here . " Bonnie Jaffe was worried . The person who took the letters could still be in the house . The officer wasn 't anxious to get back . Detective Jacoby wasn 't going to be pleased when he showed up without the letters . Not to mention the fact that Mrs . Jaffe seemed genuinely concerned . " Sure . You wait here , Mrs . Jaffe . I 'll take a look around . As the officer reached the top of the stairs there was a noise from the room on his right . He drew his revolver . " Come out with your hands above your head . " On the other side of the door Stone cursed silently and looked anxiously around the room for somewhere to hide . He slipped into the closet just as the bedroom door opened . posted by Brenda Mantz at 10 : 46 PM | " Harold ? Harold what happened ? Where I am ? " If he hadn 't been so concerned , Harold would have laughed . Why did amnesiacs always say " Where am I ? " He kissed Fanny on the cheek and took her hands in his . " You 're in the hospital , honey . Stay calm . " He buzzed for the nurse . The room intercom crackled . " How can I help you ? " " My wife is awake . Please let the doctor know . He said he 'd be in his office . " Fanny sat up . " Harold . Why am I in the hospital ? My head hurts . Was I in an accident ? " " Yes , honey . But you 're going to be all right . Everything 's going to be all right . How are you feeling other than your head ? " He didn 't want to say anything about her loss of memory until the doctor got there . " I 'm hungry . Do you think you could find something for me to eat ? And I don 't mean beets and walnuts . I feel like a nice thick steak " " Of course , I can … " He stopped . " What did you say about beets and walnuts ? " " Don 't tell me you 've been cheating on your diet ? How long have I been in here ? " A cloud of distress passed across her face . " Harold , something awful happened . " Harold noticed that the door had opened and the doctor had come in . " Fanny , this is Dr . Wright . He has been taking care of you . " Fanny looked at the doctor but it was obvious to Harold that she had no idea who he was . Harold left his wife and walked across the room . He spoke softly to the doctor . " What 's going on ? I don 't understand . When she woke up she didn 't know where she was , but she could remember the diet that Dr . Burger prescribed for me . " The doctor approached the bed . " Fanny , do you know who I am ? " " I know you 're Dr . Wright . I know you 've been taking care of me . Harold just told me that . But I honestly don 't remember meeting you before . But I have met you , haven 't I ? " " When I came in , Fanny , I heard you say to Harold that something awful had happened . What did you mean by that ? " " I 'm not sure . It 's as though there is a separate part of me , and that part is awareposted by Brenda Mantz at 5 : 40 PM | " Well we may have solved the Virginia murder , but we still can 't tie Jaffe to the death of Lillian Petulengro . " Chambers reached over and patted Jacoby on the shoulder . " Look at the bright side . You 're going to have the satisfaction of telling Barry Jones you 've caught his killer . " " That may have to wait . I doubt whether I 'll have much luck reaching him this late on a Saturday night . He 's probably all tucked in reading the latest issue of Technology for the Law Enforcement Officer " " You made that up , right ? " Jacoby nodded . " I thought so . Anyway you 're wrong . Jones heard about what happened at the fundraiser and he 's waiting outside . Shall I have him come in ? " Jacoby wasn 't surprised . Jones was a good cop . He hoped they could work together . If he was going to link Jaffe to the Lillian Petulengro murder he was going to need some help from Jones . " Jacoby , nice black eye you 've got there . " " You ought to see the other guy . " Jacoby got up and walked across the room to shake hands with a grinning Barry Jones . " You realize you 're probably not going to be invited to any more of the Senator 's shindigs , don 't you Barry ? " " I think I 'm pretty good at reading ADA 's and judging from the Cheshire Cat grin on Chambers ' face , I don 't think Jaffe 's going to be throwing any parties for the next fifteen to twenty years . " " He 's looking good for your murder , Barry , but I don 't have enough to charge him with mine . And , of course , men like Jaffe have a way of squirming out of tight spots . You still have your work cut out for you . " " Catch me up . " Jones helped himself to a cup of coffee and sat down . " We have an angry wife who has identified your Jane Doe as Victoria Sherwood . Ms . Sherwood has been having an affair with the Senator . Mrs . Jaffe found some letters from the deceased to her husband when she went through her husband 's desk tonight . I guess something I said to her at the fundraiser must have raised some suspicions . " " Where is Mrs . Jaffe now ? " After she finishposted by Brenda Mantz at 3 : 37 PM | Victoria had been in love with the Senator since she was fifteen . When she was sixteen she seduced him in the swimming pool of her parent 's home . He 'd driven her home . After sitting in the car and talking for a while , she 'd invited him inside to say hello to her parents . She 'd known her parents weren 't home but he didn 't . She suggested he fix himself a drink . " I 'm sure they 'll be back soon . I 'm going to have a swim and cool off . I 'm just going to run up and change . Make yourself at home . " She came down ten minutes later wearing the most revealing bikini he 'd ever seen . " I lied . My parents are at the Cape for the weekend . Wouldn 't you like to have a swim with me ? There 's no harm in that , is there , Senator Jaffe ? " He 'd said something foolish like " I won 't tell if you won 't " and in a few minutes he was splashing around in a pool with his daughter 's best friend . It had continued that way for the next two years until her family moved away . Jaffe had actually been relieved when she was gone . He realized he was taking too many chances . They 'd almost been caught several times . Jaffe had almost put Victoria out of his mind when he 'd run into her that spring while he was in Philadelphia addressing a group of investment bankers . He hadn 't recognized her at first . " Hello , Senator . It 's hot . Why don 't we have a swim and cool off . " Victoria was working as an events planner . After she and the Senator resumed their relationship she tried to arrange a reassignment to Washington , DC but it didn 't work out . They saw each other as often as they could . She 'd take the Acela down to DC and stay at The Mayflower . She delighted in sending him off - colored cards and long , steamy letters in which she professed her love for him . She never really loved him . She loved the idea of have an affair with a powerful man . Toward the end it had stopped being fun for both of him . He was preoccupied with the November election . Victoria felt taken for granted and resented the fact that they never wposted by Brenda Mantz at 10 : 22 AM | Traffic had been heavy on Route 29 and it took every bit of Carl Stone 's patience to keep his speed down when he finally merged onto I - 66 . He knew he couldn 't afford to get pulled over . By now the kid had probably given the police his description and they would be looking for him . His only hope was that no one had tied him to Stuart Jaffe . Maybe he 'd made a mistake leaving a witness . It was too late to worry about that now . He had to get back and figure out how to get the Senator out harm 's way . When he got to the house in Great Falls he drove by the house slowly . The house was dark . The garage door was open and the Navigator wasn 't there . There didn 't appear to be anyone watching the house . He circled through the neighborhood and drove past again to be sure . He was comfortable that there was no one there . He parked his Honda a couple of streets away and walked back to the house and let himself in and turned on the light in the foyer . He went directly to the Senator 's office . The first thing he noticed was that someone had ransacked the office . The desk had been pried open . A twisted letter opener rested on top of a stack of letters . He picked up the letters . They were all from that woman . Stone couldn 't believe the Senator had saved them . He stuffed the letters in his pocket without reading them . He would destroy them later . Only a few people could have been in the house and only one would have had the daring to break into the Senator 's desk . Stone hurried upstairs to see in Bonnie Jaffe was still in the house . He looked in the guest room first . The bed had been slept in but there was no sign of Mrs . Jaffe . Stone sat down on the unmade bed and tried to imagine what would have motivated her to rummage around in her husband 's office . He knew he couldn 't avoid the more critical questions . Where was she now and who was she talking to ? Labels : NANOWRIMO " Nurse , could you call down to the cafeteria and have them let Mr . Britt know that his wife is resting comfortably now . I want to talk to her when she wakes up , but it might be helpful for him to be here when I do . " He glanced at the open laptop on the bedside table . He felt sure that something in that email message must have triggered the reaction . Memory loss was almost always an indicator of a traumatic event , but what made it so difficult to analyze was that the nature of the event was locked in the mind of the patient . The door opened and Harold Britt came in . " How is she , doctor ? " " Her blood pressure and heart rate have returned to normal and she appears to be resting comfortably now . Do you have any idea why your wife would have had such an extreme reaction to this email ? " " Fanny had been giving Abby advice on a number of thing - including some thorny issues related to her marriage . " Harold could tell that the doctor was puzzled . " Fanny is Abby 's AA sponsor , doctor . " " I understand . I did see in Fanny 's history that she 'd been sober for a number of years . How long has she sponsored Abby ? " " About two years . They met when Abby started going to Fanny 's home group . " " Did you know Abby 's husband ? " Harold nodded . " He was in the program too . I met him at one of the meetings I go to . Richard had a reputation for being a hot head . I wasn 't comfortable with the idea of Fanny sponsoring Abby . I 'd heard a rumor that he 'd made some threats against his wife 's previous sponsor . " " Did you know about the accident ? " " Yes , Abby left a telephone message for Fanny saying that Richard had been killed in a car crash . I didn 't tell Fanny about the call . Abby said she 'd told Richard recently that she was going to leave him . She said she thought he was going to kill her . " " Was your wife acquainted with Richard ? " " No . I don 't think she ever met him . With everything else that has happened , doctor , I just don 't understand why his death - as tragic as it is - would haposted by Brenda Mantz at 5 : 10 PM | " We want our client released immediately . You know as well as I do you have no reason to hold him . " Felton Chambers had been waiting in Jacoby 's office when he arrived . Now he was in the next room seated across a table from Jaffe 's attorneys listening , but not responding , to their demands . Jacoby was impressed to find the young Assistant U . S . Attorney waiting for him but frustrated that Jaffe 's attorneys had been there too . Chambers had instructed him to wait in his office while he talked to the two attorneys . " You 've done your job . Now let me do mine . And , Jacoby , under no circumstances are you to have any contact with Jaffe . Is that understood ? " " Understood . " " Okay . Looks like you 're going to have a real shiner there . The Senator really got you good , didn 't he ? Don 't look so gloomy , Jacoby . We 've got him just where we want him . Why don 't you go grab yourself a sandwich ? " Jacoby sat at his desk for a while pushing papers around . When he tired of going that he decided to take Chambers advice . He grabbed his coat and headed across the street for a sandwich . When he got back forty - five minutes later Bonnie Jaffe was waiting for him . " I brought some things for Stuart . Toothbrush and a change of clothes . Is that okay ? " Mrs . Jaffe had changed clothes herself . She was wearing an expensive looking knit pantsuit and comfortable looking shoes . The kind of clothes a woman chose when she was going to be traveling . " Are you heading back to Oregon , Mrs . Jaffe ? " " Yes I am . And I asked you to call me Bonnie . Is it alright if I smoke in here ? " " Be my guest . I just quit a few days ago . After tonight , I may start again . " Bonnie lit a cigarette and leaned back comfortably in her chair . She didn 't seem to be in any hurry . " Is there something you want to know , Bonnie ? You didn 't come all the way down here to bring your husband a change of clothes and a toothbrush . " She looked like she had recovered from the confrontation at the fundraiser and didn 't appear to be showing the effects ofposted by Brenda Mantz at 8 : 59 PM | The nurse had summoned the doctor who arrived in less than thirty minutes . Fanny 's condition had not changed . She hadn 't spoken a word since reading the email from Abby . After examining her briefly the doctor suggested to Harold that he wait in the hallway . " It will just be for a few minutes . I want to keep the surroundings as calm as possible until her brain has an opportunity to process whatever brought the shock on . " When Harold protested , the doctor was adamant . " I understand your reluctance , Harold , but it will be better for your wife if we let her deal with this without any added strain . You can wait just outside the door . Harold was pacing up and down the hallway Jerry Benson rushed up to let him know that he 'd just heard from his friend at the Charlottesville Police Department . " Pete is safe . The police arrived to find him sitting just outside his front door tied to a kitchen chair . " " What happened ? " " Apparently Stone showed up at Pete 's apartment about two hours ago . I guess it was Stone . Pete said the guy didn 't identify himself . The intruder placed a call to your home number and left a message instructing you to bring Fanny to Pete 's apartment in Charlottesville - or else . " " How did Pete escape ? " " He didn 't . He told the police the guy just went nuts when he saw the news story about Senator Jaffe being arrested and ran out of the apartment like his hair was on fire . My guess is it was definitely Stone and when he learned that his boss had been taken into custody he raced off to bust him out of jail . " " Jaffe was arrested ? " " Of course . You wouldn 't have heard about it . You remember how Jacoby said he was crashing a fundraiser for the Senator this evening ? Well ' crash ' was the operative word . Jaffe got upset and took a couple of swings at Jacoby . The Senator was arrested for assaulting an officer . Stone must have totally freaked when he saw the Senator being hauled away in handcuffs . " " What do you think Stone is going to do next ? " Benson smiled . " Whatevposted by Brenda Mantz at 5 : 28 PM | Pete tried to push the door closed but Stone forced his way inside and closed it behind himself . " Just back up slowly and take a seat . If you 're a good boy , maybe you 'll live to see your Mom and Dad again . That 's right . Nice and slow . " Without taking his eyes off of him he deftly cut the cord of a nearby lamp and used it to quickly lash Pete to a chair . " Now we 're going to make a call to your father . You 're going to tell him you 've had an expected visitor who wants to talk to him . " He brought the telephone close to Pete . " What 's your home number ? " " 703 - 968 - 3187 . " Stone dialed the number and held the receiver to Pete 's ear . Pete heard the phone ringing and then his mother 's voice on the outgoing message . " I 'm getting their answering machine . " Stone put the receiver to his own ear . " Mr . Britt . We 've never met but I 'm sitting here in your son 's apartment and we were thinking how nice it would be if you and Mrs . Britt joined us for a little visit . And Mr . Britt , let 's keep this little visit our little secret , okay ? Because if anyone hears about this , it might not be too healthy for young Peter . We 'll be sitting here getting better acquainted while we wait for your call . " Stone hung up the telephone and clicked on the television . " What say we watch a little TV while we 're waiting for your dad to call us back ? " He switched the channel to Fox . " Look at that . America 's Most Wanted . My favorite . " For the next forty - five minutes Stone silently watched television while tossing his knife from his left hand to his right . Every now and then he stood up and taunted Pete by bringing the knife closed to his face . When the Ten O ' clock News came on Stone got up and walked over to the telephone . " Guess we better make another call . " He hit redial , and started to bring the phone to his ear . His motion was abruptly stopped by what he saw on the screen . He was watching Senator Jaffe being led out of the ballroom of the Ritz - Carlton . The announcer described the scene . posted by Brenda Mantz at 7 : 07 PM | U " I think you 'd better leave , Detective Jacoby . " Jaffe was having a difficult time regaining his composure . The knuckles of the hands that were still gripping his wife arm were white . Beads of perspiration glistened on his forehead . Jacoby didn 't retreat . " Senator , I will leave as soon as you answer my question . What do you know about the murder of Lillian Petulengro ? " " Answer the man , Stuart . What 's all this about ? Why is he asking about tattoos and murders and that detestable dwarf that is always hanging around you ? " Jaffe looked like he was going to be ill but he recovered enough to mount a weak offensive . " Bonnie , can 't you see that this is a stunt dreamed up by my opponent to discredit me ? There is no truth to what this man is saying . " " Senator you can answer my questions here or we can take a ride downtown . It 's up to you . " Jacoby knew he was bluffing but he was hoping the Senator didn 't . " The way I see it you had Stone murder Petulengro before she could link you to the murder of the blonde whose body was discovered just a few miles from here . You didn 't want her to tell anyone she 'd given the two of you matching tattoos . Is that the way it was , Senator ? " Bonnie pulled her arm away from Jaffe 's grasp . " You low life , son of a bitch . I hope they fry you . " She punctuated her statement by spitting into her husband 's ashen face before storming away . The crowed which had been watching in stunned silence as the scene unfolded now parted to allow Bonnie Jaffe to pass . Cameras flashed as Jacoby handed the Senator a handkerchief . He grabbed the handkerchief and flung it to the floor . " Your career is over , Jacoby . Before I 'm through , you won 't be able to get a job as a crossing guard . " He turned and followed walked off in the direction his wife had done . Jacoby called after him , loud enough for those standing near him to hear , " There 's just one thing I haven 't been able to figure out , Senator . " Jaffe froze . " Why did you and Stone have to kill Dennis Doggett ? " posted by Brenda Mantz at 5 : 30 PM | " Harold , could you try Peter again . I 'm getting worried . Maybe it 's because I don 't have a lifetime of memories to distract me but I can 't stop thinking that something has happened to him . " Harold sat down next to Fanny and put his arm around her . " I 'll be right back . I 'm going to go talk to Jerry for a minute . " He gave her a quick kiss . " I 'll be right back . " " See you later , bye . " " What did you say ? " " See you later , bye . " " Honey . That 's kind of a little ' thing ' we always said to each other . Don 't you see what that means ? If you can remember things like that , it means you 're going to be able to recall other things soon . " " I hope so , Harold . I feel like I am living in some kind of alternate reality . Hurry back . " Jerry was sitting in front of the nurse 's station staring at the bank of elevators . He looked as exhausted as Harold felt . " I really appreciate what you 're doing , Jerry . I don 't think I could go through this alone . " " You 'd do the same for me , Harold . How 's Fanny doing ? " " She 's getting more and more frustrated at not being able to remember , but what 's really got her upset is not being able to contact Pete . He should have been home a long ago . We 've tried his cell and his home phone . Nothing . Fanny thinks something has happened to him . Jerry , I 'm worried too . " Jerry frowned . He was worried too . " I 'm going to call a friend of mind in the Charlottesville police department and have him take a ride by Pete 's apartment . " " Do you think that 's necessary , Jerry ? " " I hope I 'm just over - reacting , but I 'll feel better if someone checks on him . You go back in and try to keep Fanny calm . " Harold returned to the room to find Fanny busy at her laptop again . He was relieved she 'd found something to distract herself . Now he just needed to do the same . He had expected Jerry to dismiss their concerns about Pete . The fact that his friend had reacted so quickly reminded Harold they were dealing with desperate men who would stop at notposted by Brenda Mantz at 9 : 04 AM | When Jacoby walked into the lobby of the Ritz - Carlton he realized he didn 't exactly blend in and that 's what he had intended . He wanted Jaffe to notice him . Most of the men were in formal attire . The women looked like they 'd spent the afternoon at the beauty shop . Most of them had chosen some variation of the same black dress . He followed the crowd to the stairway that led up to the ballroom . As he passed a muted flat screen television at the end of the lobby he noticed the silent images of the rioting in Pakistan . The camera panned slowly over bloody bodies . It always struck him that people like him spent hours and hours pursuing a single criminal while the slaughter that took place in other parts of the world was no more than a blurred image a television screen . Jacoby scolded himself . He should save the philosophizing for later . He and Lieutenant Columbo had a killer to catch . It wasn 't hard to locate Jaffe in the crowded ballroom . The Senator was surrounded by his minions . Jaffe looked around for Stone but he was no where to be seen . Jaffe looked relaxed and confident . If he was worried about anything it didn 't show on his tanned , unlined face . His grey eyes managed to focus on the people around him and the room at the same time . His right arm never left the shoulder of the striking , dark haired woman at his side but the woman appeared to be more interested in her drink than in whatever the Senator was saying . She was obviously the Senator 's wife . As he moved closer Jacoby got a better look at the woman . He imagined she must have been a beautiful woman at one time but time and the booze had taken their toll . A waiter walked by carrying a tray of drinks and Mrs . Jaffe handed him her empty glass and helped herself to another . It looked like the Senator tried to whisper something to his wife but she pulled away from him and moved a few feet away . Soon the gulf between the Senator and his wife was flooded with well wishers and hangers - on . Jaffe took advantage of the opportunity to approach Mrs . Jaffe . posted by Brenda Mantz at 8 : 05 AM | Harold hung up the phone . " Steve said he 'd go over now and get Arlo and bring him over to their place . He and Cooper will have a great time . I hope that the two of them don 't totally destroy Steve and Mary 's house . He 's a really good neighbor . He said he 'd walked by about noon and heard Arlo barking like crazy . He let himself in and took Arlo for a walk . Said he figured Arlo might be a little lonely . " " The way you talk about them , I feel like I should know them . It 's so frustrating . " " Just give it time , honey . It 's all in there . " He tapped her lightly on the forehead . " I 'm going to try Pete one more time . I can 't understand why he hasn 't returned my call . It 's just not like him . " * * * Stone had decided that since the hospital was off - limits he 'd stake out the Britt house . He didn 't actually have a plan but didn 't have any other options . The house was empty except for a dog . He could hear it barking and occasionally it would jump up a look out the front window . He got a good look at the dog when a guy - probably a neighbor - came over to take him for a walk . Stone always liked dogs better than he liked people . This one was a beauty . Pure white with a majestic way of walking . Not long after the neighbor brought the dog back the son came back home . The kid let the dog out in the front yard and let him chase tennis balls for a while before taking him back inside . When he came back out he had his overnight bag with him . When the kid backed out of the driveway , Stone followed him . There were too many nosey neighbors around the house to try anything so he decided to follow the son and wait for an opportunity to do something . As he drove , a plan began to form in his mind . If he couldn 't get close enough to the woman to shut her up maybe there was another way to make her keep her mouth shut . The kid drove west on I - 66 for a while before taking the 29 South exit toward Gainesville . Stone was pretty sure he knew where he was heading . Probably back to school and based on his directiposted by Brenda Mantz at 8 : 01 AM | It was a little after five when Jaffe knocked on the door of Bonnie 's room . " Are you about ready ? We need to leave in about a half hour . " There was no answer . " Bonnie . Listen . I can 't be late for this . " " If you don 't stop yelling at me you can go to this damn fundraiser alone . I have a splitting headache . " The door opened . Bonnie had dressed flawlessly as usual . Not a hair out of place . " You look very nice , Bonnie . Very nice . " " I 'd like a drink before we go . " Jaffe followed her downstairs to the bar . He noticed that she was walking a bit unsteadily and wondered if she had come downstairs while he was working and fixed herself a drink - or several drinks . He poured them both a drink . He didn 't want to get in a fight with her right before the fundraiser . " You really do look exceptionally nice tonight . Bonnie . " He meant it . He took a sip of his drink and waited for her to respond . The tenor of her response would tell him the kind of evening that awaited him . He looked at her and wondered when he had stopped finding her attractive . When he had stopped loving her . It would have been so much simpler if he could have just been happy with Bonnie . But he wasn 't happy with her . He needed other women and because of his weakness three people were dead . Bonnie put down her empty glass . " I 'm ready . Let 's get this charade over with . " While Senator and Mrs . Jaffe were making the silent journey from Great Falls to the Tyson 's , Jacoby was sitting in his car in the parking garage next to the Ritz - Carlton . He needed a quiet place to think He 'd been sitting there for more than a half an hour planning how he would confront Jaffe . Before getting out of the car he made one last call to Benson at the hospital . " Nothing happening here , Detective . All quiet . The Fanny and Harold are getting reacquainted and Mosby has just about talked me into getting a tattoo . Did he tell you that he has the Garden of Eden tattooed on his backside ? " " The only tattoo that I 'm interested in right now is the oposted by Brenda Mantz at 7 : 59 AM | |
We finally made it home after a HORRENDOUS journey ! We started out with a very good day . We did not have to wake up early and enjoyed a relaxing breakfast at Chef Mickey 's . We got to the Hong Kong airport with more than enough time to catch our flight . The trouble began when we boarded the flight . We did not all have seats together and when we tried to get a couple to swap with us they refused . . . . I was angry as none of our kids are quite old enough to fend for themselves on an 11 hour flight ! then we were not in our seats 10 minutes when the captain told us that we would be delayed for a " mechanical problem " . Turns out the toilets are not working and you know how BIG of a problem that could be on an 11 hour flight ! So we waited . . . and waited . . . . with not air conditioning . Well Matthew could not wait and started to overheat so I was able to take him to the galley to try and cool down . A flight attendant gave Matthew some ice but pulled it back because he didn 't say " thank you " . I explained that he didn 't speak english but she insisted he could say it in Chinese , she would understand . I then told her that he had NO idea why she was giving him the ice . With that she walked away . Matthew chewed on some ice but you could see it was not cooling him down . When he started to rub the ice on his arms I knew I had to get him cooler . Thank goodness a decent flight attendant came by and I explained the situation . He took us to the front of the plane ( where we were immediately stopped and questioned as to WHY we would intrude on the first class area . Once again the same flight attendant came to our rescue . He even cleared a small spot so we could sit down . And down we sat for almost 3 hours . Dave had to eventually bring Analiese up to me as she was so hot and crying for me . The remainder of the flight went well . Analiese kept occupied ( for the most part ) and got a good bit of sleep . Matthew also did very well keeping himself busy and getting sleep . Sarah , on the other hand , barely slept feeling uncomfortable next to the old battlPosted by I am SO glad that we had the time to visit Hong Kong Disneyland ! In the usual Disney style , we were pampered and made to feel as if we were one of the most important people at the resort ! The other visitors , in the park , were another story . Talk about rude ! The lack of understanding of taking turns , standing in line and the impoliteness of staring took its toll on all of us . We finally took to pushing and staring back ! The guests at the hotel were of another caliber ; they obviously have traveled and understood what appropriate behavior is . Speaking of the hotel it was quite beautiful . In true Disney style , it was fabulously decorated for Christmas ( I 'll post more photos later ) . Our room , even though it was smaller than the suite at the Victory Hotel in Guangzhou was more than bearable ! The beds , linens and bathroom were immaculate . After a day at the park it was pleasure to come back to ! The park itself is very small compared to what we are used to at Orlando . There is only the Magic Kingdom with limited rides . The characters were few and only the most recognizable ones were available . On the positive side , we had NO waits and could ride over and over again if we wanted . The kids just loved the lack of crowds ! Because we stayed in a resort hotel we were given a second day of access to the park free with our room . So , the first day we toured until 2 : 00 , went back to the hotel , went swimming ( that 's another story for a different post ) and the next day we stayed ALL day long ; from 10AM to 8PM . We watched the parade ( WOW ! ) and the fireworks over the castle . Because the park was beginning the Christmas holiday season it was decorated with all beautiful lights . The castle , in particular was amazing ! The castle is not Cinderella 's castle but Sleeping Beauty 's castle and is much smaller , with no stores and no place to eat ( and definitely nowhere to spend the night ) . Matthew was amazed and had a great time . He rode Space Mountain twice ( each time being frightened ) but passed on the third time , opting to sit out with AnaliesePosted by Things seem so much brighter here in Hong Kong Disneyland has a way of easing your stress levels ! The hotel is wonderful , just like the Grand Floridian back home ! We arrived via the train and it was a grand adventure . We had so many bags , so many kids but we did it and it was good ! Matthew is turning out to be a great traveler . It helps that his sister are such good role models . Matthew 's behavior has changed immensely . He really gets it that he is supposed to do certain things . He very rarely yells at us at meals , he puts his napkin in his lap , mostly uses it to wipe his face ( instead of his arm ! ) and he consistently uses a fork ! He is such a quick learner . We had a temper tantrum on the way into the park until we got past the castle and he saw the rides then he whined and yelled that he wanted to go on the rides . Dave and I agreed to keep him off of the first ride ( the carousel ) . Matthew did not cry or yell . When we got off the ride and walked over to the second one he was very well behaved and we have not had an issue in 24 hours ! Seems that our structure and our boundaries are working . He is happy , skipping and enjoying himself as well as having appropriate behavior ! Today was the first day that I had been able to read any comments on the blog . For those of you who felt that you had to defend us THANK YOU , for those of you who so ignorantly blasted us , I feel so very sorry for you . You quite obviously do not know the first thing about children or child development . There is nothing mean nor malicious about setting boundaries and having expectations for children . You are entitled to your opinion but for your sake I hope you never get into to a situation where you must rise to the occasion because you just won 't know what to do . Happy Thanksgiving to everyone , we will go back to the park today and I will post pictures when we return ! I 've not posted because frankly , I 'm stressed beyond belief . Matthew 's behavior has been HORRIBLE , HORRIBLE , HORRIBLE - - to say the least ! When he doesn 't get what he wants , and he wants a lot , he throws temper tantrums . The other day Dave took him out of the hotel and Matthew screamed for about an hour . During that time he threw his socks in the river and just basically made himself very unlikeable . Yesterday he stole AGAIN from another store . What made it so bad was that he mad a BIG show of pulling out his pockets to indicate that he didn 't take anything . However , he had some trading cards stuffed into waistband of his shorts . I was LIVID when I found them . I marched him right back to the store , gave them to the shopkeeper and ask her to please be stern with him ; she would not be . Oh how frustrating . I even stopped a policeman to see if he spoke english - - he did not ! At meals Matthew continues to eat like he is an animal - - to put it bluntly . He yells and demands that we get things for him . I now just remove him from the restaurant . Yesterday he didn 't think I was serious and stomped back to the table and demanded more food . I promptly removed him again and made him stay away for awhile ! Today has been a bit better . He made a big show of allowing the girls to get on the elevator first instead of pushing his way in front of them , he only yelled twice in the restaurant and I removed him once . The only time he had a behavior issue is when he was in the bank with David . The security guard had to speak with him because he was crying and whining . The girls and I were in the store across the street and I would not allow Matthew into the shop . He did not like it but the shopkeeper ( the first one Matthew stole from ) gave him a stern talking to . I know I 'm being very hard on him but feel that is my only recourse due to the lack of communication . Last evening we had our guide speak to Matthew but he didn 't respond at all . He had his head down but I 'm not sure what that means . On a more positive note , we went to the safari park andPosted by Well another lesson learned another corner turned . Yesterday David took the children to the store to drop off our laundry ( yes a store ! ! ) . When they returned , Matthew ran into the bedroom portion of our suite and came out with a yo - yo . When I asked Dave if he purchased it he said no . Now I have been through all of Matthew 's things , the majority of the items are ones that we gave to him and I have never come across a yo - yo . I tried to ask Matthew where he got it from but no luck . When our guide came we asked that she question Matthew as to where he got the yo - yo . He simply refused to talk to her . At that point I had taken the yo - yo from him because he kept throwing it around in the air and would not listen when I told him no . He , of course , kept asking for it , over and over . Later that evening , when Dave went to pick up our laundry he spoke to the shopkeeper and asked if she sold yo - yo 's . Of course she did and lo and behold they were the same one that Matthew had . David explained to the young lady that Matthew had taken the yo - yo without paying and then asked her if she would take it back if we had Matthew return it ; she said she would if it was still in the package . Of course it was not in the package so David paid for it . Before leaving for dinner I slipped the yo - yo into my pocket and we made a detour back to the store . Matthew was very reluctant to go inside the store . Once inside I sat him down and out I pulled the yo - yo . Immediately his head went down . I had the young lady there explain to Matthew that we knew he had taken the yo - yo without paying for it and that it was very wrong to do that . She also had Matthew apologize to me . I then got a bag , put the yo - yo into it and gave it to the lady and told her to give it some other child . She immediately handed back to Matthew ; I told her no that he had to understand that he does not get to keep something that he did not pay for . After that Matthew was quiet and compliant . I hugged him and put my arm around him . He did not cry nor did he whine . Later , at another stPosted by We 've arrived In Guangzhou at the Victory hotel . It cannot hold a candle to the White Swan . The first suite they put us in was small and very tired looking . Definitely NOT big enough for the 6 of us ! So . . . . down to the front desk I went to inquire about a bigger room . We were given a bigger suite but not much bigger . We are struggling to fit everything into the room as well as ourselves . It is going to be a CHALLENGE for the next couple of days . The buffet is not even in the competition with the White Swan . Getting to the White Swan in the past has always been a breathe of fresh air . Here at the Victory I feel like we 've taken a step backward . I think we might be able to tough it out until Tuesday . Grace is sick this morning . She has a temperature and a headache . Hopefully this is just minor , something our meds can take care of . We 've been giving her breathing treatments regularly so I don 't think it has anything to do with her asthma . I , on the other hand , am feeling a bit better . I was able to eat a small breakfast but still do have a headache . Since yesterday I 've been struggling to find some fresh air . . . there just isn 't any here in China . That is part of the reason I am feeling so bad , I just feel like I can 't get a breathe of fresh air ; no wonder Grace is feeling so awful . We are off to the medical appointment this morning . I 'll tell you I 'll be glad to get this all over with and move on . Our flight from Fuzhou to Guangzhou went very well , the worst part was that we had to sit in the airport for several hours waiting . The kids did well even though it was quite a task staying occupied . Matthew had a time on the plane . He was very excited about flying and kept asking when we would board the plane . However , once we got on the plane he did not want to stay in his seat , keep his seat belt on or follow any of the rules . It was frustrating for Dave who had to eventually swat Matthew to get him to listen . Matthew cried and whined the last part of the flight but eventually got over it . Right now he is playing with a yo - yo Posted by In a few short hours we leave to go to Guangzhou . This transition plays such a major role in our adoption journey . For whatever reason the children change when they get to this next province . Maybe it 's a feeling of security that they aren 't going to be returned to the orphanage . Whatever it is we know that Matthew will turn yet another corner . I , unfortunately , got very sick yesterday . I spent the better part of the day and the night in the bathroom . I 'm sure it was something that I ate , who knows what it was . This morning I was able to have some tea and a bananna but nothing else . I 'm trying to stay hydrated but cannot think of putting any food into my mouth . What a horrible diet this is . . . . For those of you who think I 'm having my children the easy way I so want to scream . . . . being very far from home , not speaking the language and GETTING SICK on top of all of that is not easy , far from it ! Matthew continues to do well though this morning he quickly ate his breakfast and stomped his feet and whined when he couldn 't immediately leave the table . He tried to play under the table and really was not happy when Dave put him in his seat . Oh well , we quickly got past that . As we were packing yesterday and this morning I tried to tell him we were all going on a plane . I mimicked a bird and he giggled . He is a little nervous because he just doesn 't know what is happening . When our guide gets here she will be able to explain it all to him . Oh , I 've had several emails asking if I can read the comments left on my blog . No I cannot . But please don 't let that stop you from leaving them . Some day Matthew will be able to have a nice record of his journey and all of the support we received . Right now I 'm regretting the choice to go to Hong Kong for a few days , I 'm exhausted . Hopefully after our time in Guangzhou I will get reenergized and be ready for Disneyland . That is a question we get a lot . Just look at our photos , THAT ' S why we have so many childen - - - for massages ! Seriously , we 've been celebrities here in China , especially Sarah ! Everyone wants to take her picture and more importantly be in the photo with her . Yesterday , at the park , Sarah was in her glory , smiling , posing and pretending to be a Hollywood star . We even had a family give us their baby to hold so they could photograph the baby with us ! This part of China we enjoy . As you can see from the new photo taken this morning , Matthew is just full of smiles and happiness this morning . I got my first KISS last night from Matthew as I was tucking all of the kids into bed . He giggled after he did he gave it to me . He goes to bed very well , no arguing and falls fast asleep . Oh what a dream ! This morning at breakfast he looked at me everytime he did something he knew I would approve of and smiled when I told him " good boy " . Oh how wonderful he is ! Today we received an email with some photos of Malone , Matthew 's best friend from the orphanage . What a reaction from our boy , first amazement , then excitement and then yelling out his name ! I think he was in shock that somehow his Momma got his friend on the computer . These first experiences are so fun to watch . Today we have a free day and tomorrow we leave for Guangzhou . So . . . we will go back to the park , let the kids run for a while and then just relax . I 'm not sure what we 'll do for dinner . Last night we went back to the Chinese restaurant . The food was yummy and Analiese only broke one spoon ! After she did that the waitress brought out a fork and a knife . . . how funny ! The kids are all doing so well . I am so proud of Sarah ! She has bounced back from being sick to being a helper , a great big sister and a wonderful young lady ! I 'll tell you she really is an angel ! Today Dave took the kids out to do Tai Chi with the locals . The ladies were so impressed with Sarah 's grace and movement . Thanks to the teachers at Bravo , Sarah is showing off her skills on the other side of the worPosted by We spent the morning visting the temple . Dave took lots of photos , it really was an amazing place . We saw lots of families there praying for a recently deceased loved one . You could tell that 's what they were doing because they all had a red rope ( or ribbon ) tied around their waist . Dave said lots of prayers and lit incense to leave by the temples . QingNan just liked to light the incense . There was a woman who was near tears when she found out that all four of the kids were ours . She said we were just like " Buddha " and had great big hearts . She kept telling me thank you . She was very sweet and kind . We did get to see an amazing Banyan tree . . . that 's what the kids are climbing on in the photo . It was a great day , warm and pleasant . After the temple we went to lunch at KFC . Qing Nan wanted icecream and was quite agreeable to eat all of his lunch before he could get the icecream . We then went into the supermarket to get some water and juice . Matthew was quite funny when he said , " no toys again . . . " What a great sense of humor ! He did throw a small temper tantrum when I would not allow him to go up to the hotel room with Sarah and Grace for water . He stomped his foot and started to whine . I told him " no " and stomped my foot for emphasis . He came right back to me , not happy , but compliant . That was the end of that . Our guide , Catherine , commented that she saw lots of changes in Matthew . So we are making progress , little by little . We spent some time in the hotel room and Matthew kept calling me , trying to get my attention . He helped put lotion on my arms and just wanted to be near me . I 'd say he 's accepting his Momma . . . . We are off to the park and then to dinner . We may attempt the chinese restaurant again . . . We had a very uneventful night , we all slept fairly well . The kids were tired and all were asleep by 7 : 00 PM . I actually fell asleep by 7 : 30 but paid for it by getting up at 3 : 30 and only be able to doze until 5 : 00 AM . Breakfast was less of an adventure today . Matthew is ( mostly ) learning to eat with silverware , sit up to the table , take one item at a time and use a napkin instead of his arm . He still belches loudly and giggles but does cover his mouth ! He tries not to put his face into his plate but is not always successful . He RUNS everywhere , especially to food . Dave had an adventure in the bathroom with Matthew this morning when Qingnan grabbed the deodorizer from the bottom of the urinal before Dave could stop him . Needless to say hands were washed VERY well ! We know that these behaviors are the result of having no structure and no experiences in the orphanage but boy is it hard when the child is older and your mental expectations are different than if there were a baby . We went to a Chinese restaurant last night and it was a great experience . The entire staff was there watching us . It was a challenge to order and even more of one to eat without any silverware . BUT , none of us went home hungry ! The kids were troopers and tried everything but didn 't eat a lot ( especially the soup where Sarah said there were eyes in the bottom of the bowl - - I had a sneaking suspicion she might have been right ! ) . Once again we are enjoying most of our time but are getting very tired of being stared at . Last evening , on the way to eat , a young girl looked at QingNan and made a disgusted face . Boy did I become protective . I stared her down and was willing to defend my son . How dare she judge that sweet little boy who has been dealt a terrible hand . All I can say is that he may not be what she thinks as acceptable but he is going to have all of the opportunities she will NEVER be afforded . Success is the best revenge ! Dave and I know that we have a long road ahead of us with Matthew . But , once we get home things will be easier . I hopePosted by We had a very full day today ! We went to the Panda Park , the Lakeside Park and McDonalds ! For the most part it was fun and the kids had a great time . However , sweet Matthew threw a MAJOR temper tantrum ( see photo ) because he was not allowed to buy a toy at the park . We had just finished riding some of the amusement rides and were headed to lunch when Matthew asked to buy a toy , I told him no and he started crying , stomping his feet and then he eventually threw himself onto the ground . Boy did he attract a crowd ! I tried to carry him but boy is he heavy . Dave had to finally carry him and Matthew screamed the entire way . As you can see from the photo he sat next to me , threw off his shoes and screamed . When we got into the van , he was swinging his arms and feet , hit Dave a few times but David held him down and kept telling him no . Eventually he calmed down when Dave told Catherine to tell Matthew that his behavior was inappropriate and that he would not get McDonalds if he continued . The behavior stopped and Matthew eventually told us he was sorry . The rest of the afternoon was calm and full of smiles and laughter ! We went into a butterfly park and as you can see from the photos Matthew was very good at catching the butterflys and letting them go . We got lots and lots of smiles and laughter during that time . That was part of the reason why the meltdown was so unexpected . . . . During the rides Grace and Matthew went on one ride where you go up and down . He does not like heights . . . he kept telling Grace , " too high " and you could see the fear on his face . When they got off the ride , just like a true brother , he pushed Grace on her back , not hard and said , " TOO HIGH ! " Matthew is speaking lots to us and is trying to speak English . He has said his name , " Matthew " a few times and seems to be in agreement with it . He is curious about everything and asks lots of questions . I sure wish I understand just 1 / 2 of what he said ! Sarah is better today , no problems eating . Grace 's asthma is acting up but the new nebulizer works like a charPosted by It was an exhausting night for all of us . . . except for Matthew . He slept like a baby ! The rest of us had a horrible night . Sarah had food poisioning and could not keep anything down , Dave had a migraine headache and Grace and Analiese because of the long nap they had woke up at 3 : 30 AM and couldn 't get back to sleep . Needless to say we are pretty grumpy . Matthew has shown to be attached to Dave . When he awoke this morning and Dave was down in the lobby with Grace and Analiese , Matthew got into bed with me but was very quite . . . until Daddy came in ! Then he perked up and immediately wanted to watch these awful cartoons his irresponsible mother bought for him yesterday ! They are full of violence and fortunately they are going to get " lost " on the way home next week ! We worked on some table manners this morning . Matthew is very willing to change his behaviors ( putting his face into the plate and sucking up his food ) but it is hard to constantly remind him . Overall he is very compliant and listens well . It is obvious that he had very few rules to follow in the orphanange . Matthew did allow me to bathe him last night . Boy did I get lots of giggles and smiles ! He so ADORABLE with his few teeth . We are in love with this little boy who in spite of his rough beginnings has the foundation of a wonderful child ! He is trying to mimic our language . . . he repeats the girls names and particularly likes to repeat what I say and giggle . I 'll post some more later after we go to the Panda Park today . Let 's hope we can get the energy out of ALL of the children ! We 've had quite a ride these past two days . We met Matthew yesterday around 3 : 00 . He came into the conference room very shy , very frightened . He had a backpack on and also the director had a bag of things for him . When he walked into the room he shrunk back and was reluctant to come to us . However with some coaxing he came in , came to me and stood there . Of course everyone started speaking to him , and he became more confused . I held his hand , which he allowed , the girls each handed him a gift and David came over and knelt by him . Matthew continued to be shy and frightened by not duly alarmed . The aunties had Matthew give each of us a gift of yogurt and to Baba he gave an orange . It was obvious that he was becoming quite upset . One of the gifts the girls gave him was a watch which he put on and now was pushing every button and not wanting to put up his head . When Catherine , our guide , had me , Dave and Matthew sit together for our family picture was when the dam broke ! Matthew began to cry , wail and hurt . He threw his head back , opened his mouth and just began to howl with grief . It did not help that everyone was " talking " to him to get him to look at the camera . As he was on my lap I tried to comfort him as best as I could but it was to no avail . Dave finally asked them to give him a moment . It was so heartbreaking . Matthew was finally able to stop crying enough for the photo but he wanted NOTHING to do with us ! He only wanted the ayis . Catherine was great and had the ayis leave and tried to talk with Matthew ; it was obvious he only wanted to leave . We then went up to our room . Matthew only wanted to hold Catherine 's hand . When we got into the room the drama only increased ! Matthew wailed and screamed , threw himself onto the floor , tried to scratch himself , he hit his head on the wall and kept trying to run to the door . Dave was on his knees stopping Matthew every time he tried to get by . I 'll tell you our son is strong and strong willed ! ! ! Eventually Catherine had to leave because Matthew kept grabbing her and askinPosted by We are here in Fuzhou ! The trip was uneventful but so L - O - N - G ! The flight from Chicago to Beijing was delayed by and hour and a half , which really worked out for the best because we had less of a layover in Beijing . Sleeping was hard on the flight but we got enough to get us through . We arrived at our hotel at approximately 1 : 00 AM Saturday ( which was 1 : 00 PM Atlanta time ) . That makes a total of 20 hours of travel . We lost an entire day . . . The girls did GREAT ! Yes , even Analiese . . . Daddy took care of her , kept her occupied and we have very little drama . Sarah was and continues to be a fantastic help , all of this travel has made her very confident in foreign airports . Our hotel is nice , everyone is exploring right now while I post . We have adjoinging rooms , our has a wonderful king sized bed . I slept like a baby last night . Right now we aren 't feeling too bad from the time change . We 'll see how that progresses through the day . We met our guide , Catherine , last evening . She seems very nice and competent . She brought us some typed answers to questions about Matthew . He sounds like he is ALL BOY ! He is healthy and has a good apetite ( welcome to the Evans family ! ) . We are told he is happy and excited to be meeting us . I do expect to see some anxiuosness and most likely some tears . However , with the girls he will be kept busy ! We 've had breakfast and the girls are loving the choices . I even had some CABBAGE this morning ! We get to meet Matthew at about 3 : 00 this afternoon . Hopefully I 'll be able to post some video of our meeting . We are so excited and just cannot believe the time is here to meet our son ! It is our last night at home without our son ! Tomorrow we get on the plane to China to finally bring him home . we are full of excitement and a few nerves as we head off to the other side of the world . We hope that Matthew is being prepared for his transition and is looking forward to it . I finished packing and feel so very proud of myself . We have 3 checked bags and 3 bags we will carry - on as well as our stroller . I guess this just gets easier each time you do it ! I know that I 've not taken nearly the number of items that I 've packed before . Part of the reason is because the girls were so young and I took lots of baby items . I also realize that I 'm not going to a deserted island ; I may even find a Walmart where we can pick up some needed things I might have forgotten ! We leave at 5 : 15 AM to go to the airport and will not arrive at our final destination until Saturday morning at 11AM Georgia time ( 11 PM China time ) . It will be long and hard but that just goes to show that even having a child via the adoption route there is the long and hard labor ! The girls are excited and I know they will be good travelers . Sarah and Grace will be a big help with Analiese . The sad part is that we will be making this trip without the Browns . Our first two trips we traveled together and celebrated our newest additions together . I know that they are with us in spirit but geez it really is much more fun when they are in China with us . Whatever will we do if we get lost , who will draw the pictures ? ? ? ? We did get two care packages from them today and promptly put everything into our suitcases . . . . we will be very well prepared for Lucy 's ! We love you Brown family and will miss your company ! Yesterday was the 2nd anniversary of Analiese 's Gotcha Day . I must admit , I thought about it a few nights prior and made a mental note to be sure and get cookies for her classmates but it got so pushed to the back that I forgot until I picked her up from school ! Boy did I feel guilty ! But . . . . today we bought cookies and took them in to school and celebrPosted by We are just 3 days from travel and the stress is starting to set in ! With working full time ( and being in training until Wednesday ) , the girls dance schedule , packing , cleaning and final travel arrangements I feel like I 'm going to burst ! Most of the " stuff " is laid out ready for the suitcase but I need some time to be able to do that . I had not planned on taking any time off on Thursday but I 'm thinking that I 'm going to need at least half of a day to just make sure things are taken care of ! I wonder if Matthew is nervous or excited that he will soon meet his family . I just cannot imagine how a 6 year old can process the changes that are about to happen in his life . Nothing is going to be the same for him , nor for us . What a journey we all have ahead of us . I had to make a paper chain for Analiese this weekend ; she still cannot understand the passage of time . Every day , many times during the day , she would ask if we were going to get Qing Nan . Now we remove a chain from our link each night before bed time . I so wish I had thought of this earlier ! ! ! I 've been following our friends , the Straights , who are in China right now with their new daughter , Shelby . I can hear the ups and downs in her writing but also the joy and excitement . We think we are ready . . . . Dave has finished his painting and I am ( almost ! ) finished with the decorating . . . . We are ready for Matthew to come home ! As you can see we did his room in a race car motif . I don 't know why , but it just " felt " right . It turned out so cute , I sure hope Matthew likes it . I still need to get a couple of items but I 'm waiting so Matthew can help pick them out . I 'd like to get a side lamp and a throw rug for next to his bed . We redid the bathroom in a fish scene . . . I love the bubbles that Dave painted . I think it tones down the pink just enough . I LOVE the accessories , especially the octopus toothbrush holders ! Analiese and Grace are sharing a room ; I 'll post some photos of their room later . Analiese is falling asleep lots faster but has asked why Matthew got her room . She wants her bed back even though we bought a new full size for the girls . Grace is having a little difficulty sharing " her room " . Ah , just a small piece of what we know we will experience in the weeks to come . We went to First Fridays yesterday and just loved our time there . The Chapman 's put together a wonderful video that just brought tears to my eyes and Craig and Kristie 's story so touched our hearts . But , it was when Craig said that there was a " little boy named Matthew waiting in China for his family " , that the tears really flowed . Kristie said a wonderful prayer for us and we felt the love and support of all who were in the room . It was very moving and we love Dan and Susan for thinking of us ! We leave in 6 short days . We 've heard that Matthew is excited about coming to America and has his family photo album out looking at it . He wanted to know if he or Grace was the older sibling . Ah , once again , just a preview of things to come . Oh Matthew , your life awaits you with a family who is already so in love with you ! ! ! |
Wow , it 's been a while . I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving ! ( Those who celebrate it anyway ) . We went down to Key Largo for Thanksgiving weekend . It 's about a 5 - 6 hour drive . Had a good time , but came home tired , than a couple days later I got sick . I 'm better , but now hubby has it . So far , the kid is the only one who hasn 't been sick , and I really hope he doesn 't get this . Quite frankly , I felt like shit for a few days there . I will try to get a real post up soon . I haven 't been able to do much more than go through the motions lately . Take care ! - Halloween was fun this year . I tried to dress my kid up last year and he wanted NOTHING to do with it . It was all I could do to get a few pictures , and nobody was smiling . This year , however , at 2 1 / 2 , he has some favorite characters . He loves Tigger and Pooh , and Mickey Mouse and all his friends . Last year a coworker gave me a little Tigger outfit that was too big for Trevor then . It fit perfect this year . I dressed him up in the Tigger suit , painted a nose and whiskers on him , and safety pinned a stuffed Winnie the Pooh to his shirt . He ran straight to the mirror and just loved it . Trick or treating , though , was a different story . He said " trick or treat " nonstop at home , but as soon as we got to a house he wouldn 't say anything . It was his first time . Next year he will be a pro ! ___________________________________ The Jimmy Buffett concert was great . As always , it was like going to a huge party and hanging out with friends you 've never met before . I highly recommend Jimmy Buffett - if you ever get a chance to see him , do it ! ___________________________________ We had some excitement at work on Tuesday . ( If you don 't know , I work as a tech in an ophthalmology office ) . Anyway , I was in a room with a patient , prepping her to see the doctor . I was just finishing up with her , when I heard a loud crunching , crashing sound . A second or two later there was a second crash and the building shook a little . I thought we were under attack . I ran out of that room expecting to see major damage , thinking " somebody must be hurt after that ! " I saw a bunch of shocked looking people , a framed picture lying on the floor , and a hole in the wall that looked like someone outside tried to punch a hole in it . I ( and everyone else ) ran to the front window . As soon as I looked out , I realized that a car had crashed into the side of our building . I ran outside and saw an elderly lady behind the wheel , mostly covered by her airbag . Some other people were already talking to her and she seemed to be responding . Several people called 911 , and the situaPosted by There is a season ( turn , turn , turn ) . . . I can 't believe it is almost the end of another year already . I doesn 't seem like it 's been 8 years since my hubby proposed to me at midnight on Y2K . Remember what a big deal Y2K was ? A lot of people thought the world as we know it was going to end because computers couldn 't figure out the year " 00 " . This year has brought about a lot of changes in my life , most all of them positive this time ! With me , every year brings change . I am very rarely in the same circumstances at the end of any given year as I was at the beginning . Whether this be job , place of residence , in trouble , out of trouble , family situation , financial status . . . you name it . Life is truly never boring . In 2007 , I have undergone a drastic improvement in financial status , started ( yet another ) new job , and moved into a new house . I wonder what will change between now and the end of 2008 ? This is one of the rare times when I actually hope that nothing changes too much - I like where I am right now . But , you never know ! And it 's funny , but even unwelcome changes seem to be for the best in hindsight . ________________________________ We are looking forward to seeing Jimmy Buffett in concert next weekend . This will be my third time to see him , and hubby 's second . Buffett concerts are always fun . It 's more like a huge party than a show . I love concerts . You may ask , " Why pay exorbitant amounts of money to see a band play live ( probably from the back of the auditorium ) when you can buy the CD for $ 20 and listen to it whenever you want ? " It 's a whole different exzperience to actually be there , see the band in person , breathe the same air , etc . And you 're sitting with hundreds of other people who are excited for the same reasons . It 's a huge energy , and I just love it . I was lying in bed this morning wishing I could go back to sleep . I hate getting up early when I don 't have to . Anyway , no such luck . So I lay there reminiscing about concerts I have been to . Let 's see . . . Steve Miller ( twice ) , The Doobie Brothers , Poison , Jimmy Posted by Today is the birthday of a very spectacular lady , whom some of you may know through blogging . Her name is Olive Riley and she turns 108 years old today . Check out her blog - just click the link " The Life of Riley " on my blogroll . HAPPY BIRTHDAY , OLLIE ! ! ! ! I guess . We had some friends staying with us a couple weekends ago . We asked one of them to stay on a bit longer and offered to pay him to help with some work we wanted to do . Specifically , some miscellaneous stuff on the motor home , and building a new cage for our iguanas . We have 2 iguanas , each measuring between 4 1 / 2 and 5 feet long , including tail . We had a pretty decent cage for them , but they were just getting too big for it . They were in and enclosure about 7 feet long , 2 1 / 2 feet wide and about 5 feet high . They now have 8 feet long by 5 1 / 2 feet wide by about 6 1 / 2 feet high . I was quite pleased with the final outcome of the cage . It is very spacious and much better suited for our iguanas . I still have to put some finishing touches on it , though . New Story : Last night I put Trevor in the bathtub . ( Trevor is 2 1 / 2 if you didn 't know ) . I have had issues before with him " making a mess " in the bathroom while in the bath . ( read : flooding the bathroom floor ) . He has been reprimanded and punished and is now generally very good . The one thing I do have problems with is that he loves to flush the toilet , which he can reach from the tub . After Trevor flushing a couple times and being scolded , I decided to put an end to the whole nonsense . I took the cover off the toilet tank and unhooked the rubber thingy from the arm attached to the flush handle . I looked at Trevor and said , " Ha ! Now you can flip that handle all you want and nothing will happen . I win ! " I went in the living room and a few minutes later hubby says , " why do I still hear water running ? " I said , " I dunno " and went to check on Trevor . When I walked into the bathroom the entire floor was completely flooded with water . I immediately scream , " TREVOR ! ! ! What did you dooooooooo ? ! ? " Trevor looks at me innocently and I hear gushing water , but don 't immediately see the source . Did I mention that I have one of those cabinet things over my toilet tank ? It is one that you buy and put together and it sits right over the toilet - there is a shelf , then a cabinet with dooPosted by The weather hasn 't been so great here this weekend . So instead of doing the beach , we just " did stuff around the house " . This means my husband sat on the couch and watched TV all weekend and I did projects . Stuff like hanging a new towel rack , assembling a piece of furniture , installing shelves and rearranging electronics in two rooms . . . it seems like I did some other stuff too . Oh , yeah . I cleaned the house , did the shopping and the laundry , cooked meals , etc . I really don 't begrudge my husband the time he spent sitting on his you - know - what . I can 't stand doing that for very long . I have to have something to do , to keep me busy . Lately it seems like it 's one project after another . my house is looking really good , but I fear I may be turning into my mother . Holy shit , right after I typed that , I turned around and said something my mother said to me countless times . My son was saying " doggy , kitty cat , doggy , kitty cat . . . " ad nauseum . I said , " You have a cat . When you are old enough to feed a dog and pick up the dog poop , you might get a doggy . And if you don 't take care of it , it 's going to the pound . " I can 't remember how many times I heard that last bit about my first dog , named Hurricane . Scary . Scary . He never did go to the pound though . . . - - My mom and dad came for a visit last weekend . Anyone who reads my dad 's blog knows that they take an annual road trip encompassing visits to me ( Tampa ) and my sister ( Chicago ) as well a week in Georgia playing golf . Well , this was their first opportunity to see their grandson since February , and boy has he changed a lot ! I must say , I was quite proud ( and relieved ) that he was on his best behavior while they were here . Grammy and Grampa brought Trevor a gift - a little tricycle / bigwheel type thing . Trevor loves it , but can 't figure out how to push the pedals to make it go . It has a lot of buttons on the " dashboard " which make various noises when pushed , and Trev is convinced that one of those buttons must make it go . See , he has a little 4 wheeler with a button that makes it go , and he hasn 't figured out the difference yet . Another accomplishment of last weekend - I have been working on fixing up the gate to my backyard . I have collected dozens of seashells from our beach , and I made a trim of thin boards painted aqua , with shells glued on to them . I then attached the painted boards around the frame of the gate . The crowning touch , though , is a painted sign that my dad got us at a little street fair we went to : This weekend we are back to our normal routine - which means off to the beach this afternoon ! Have a great weekend ! - As is my usual routine , I got up this morning when Trevor refused to play quietly in his room anymore . I fed him breakfast , straightened up the house a little , put his cartoons on and lay down on the couch to be lazy and observe Trevor . I must have dozed off , because next thing I knew , something was poking my leg repeatedly . The " something " in question looked like this : At first I couldn 't figure out what he had gotten into . I looked around and nothing seemed out of place . That 's when I walked into his room and found my purse , wide open and emptied on the floor . Most of what you see on his angelic little face is mascara . There is also some lipstick and ink from a ballpoint pen . It just doen 't show up that good in the pictures . His body , arms and legs are covered too . This is what just about every page in my checkbook now looks like : Oh , the joys of parenting a toddler ! - ORWhat Goes Around , Comes Around If you read my last post , you will know that I recently changed wireless providers . Got brand new phones with the leather covers and everything . Really nice . After having the new phone for approximately a week . . . . Well , let me go back a little . About 1 1 / 2 to 2 years ago , when we were living in Zephyrhills , Florida and struggling financially , we found a cell phone in our front yard . I opened it up and looked at the " contacts " list . I picked the number labeled " home " and called it . The owner of the cell phone was ecstatic that soemone had found it , and made arrangements to come by and pick it up . Turns out he was a taxi driver . He offered me $ 20 for returning his phone . I thanked him , but turned it down . He made me take a card good for a free taxi ride instead . I never used it , but that doesn 't matter . Anyway , after having my new phone for approximately a week , we went to the beach and I lost it . It must have fallen out of our stuff when we were carrying everything out to the car . I didn 't realize it was missing until we got everything inside and I started looking for it . It was late and I had to get Trevor fed and ready for bed . When he was just about finished eating , my house phone rang . The caller ID showed my name and cell phone number ! It was a guy wanting to know if I was missing a cell phone . I said I was , but I couldn 't get back over there tonight , could I call him the next day ? He said sure , and gave me his number , informing me that he would turn my phone off right away . I called him back the next day ( today ) and got his voice mail . I left a message and waited . A couple hours later I called back but didn 't leave a message . I decided I would call again at 2 : 00 pm . Right at 2 : 00 pm the phone rang . It was him . I made arrangemants to meet him , and we decided to head back over to the beach and pick up the phone on the way . The guy that found my phone met us where and when he said he would , he had removed the leather cover and carefully cleaned all the sand out of the phone and Posted by Do you ever get so aggravated by a large company , you just wish there was something , anything , you could do to show them your disgust ? I remember when I was growing up , my grandmother 's answer to just about every such situation was , " write a letter " . Sometimes she got results , too ! After having been Sprint PCS ( a wireless phone company ) customers for almost 10 years , this recent fiasco was simply the last straw . Following is a copy of the nice letter I wrote to Sprint , hoping it gets passed along to someone in authority . Even though I don 't expect anything , it sometimes helps just to write it all down , mail it away and get it off your chest . August 9 , 2007To Whom it May Concern , We recently had a mishap with one of our phones , causing us to request a replacement . We pay monthly to insure our phones , so we were able to get a new one for $ 50 . The phone enclosed with this letter is the one that we replaced . When we received the replacement phone , it did not come with a user 's manual . The last time we got a replacement phone due to damage , we paid the $ 50 and got a new phone and user 's manual . This time , the phone that was damaged was not available , so Sprint sent us the most comparable upgrade , a different phone altogether with NO instruction manual . We called to question this and were told that the insurance we pay each month only covers the phone , not the manual . This is absolutely ridiculous . When someone gets a new phone with which they are unfamiliar , they really need the manual . Not everyone has the capability to download the manual on a computer . To top it off , the new phone did not have the same type of internet connection , so we ended up having to pay $ 5 a month more , plus Sprint counted this as a change in our service and locked us in to a new contract starting when we got the new phone . Even though we did not want the new service , we were told we had no choice . This is nothing but an underhanded method of keeping customers because most people don 't want to pay the exorbitant amount to break their contracPosted by Potty training . AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH ! Some mornings the kid wakes up bone dry and goes right to the potty and pees in it . once he even woke up in the middle of the night and called for me because he had to go . Then went again in the morning . I thought we had to be almost there ! Then there are the other days . He acts like he has to pee , then when you get him to the potty , you find out he has just gone in his diaper . You sit him on the potty and make him sit there 5 minutes and nothing happens . As soon as you put the diaper back on , 5 minutes after that he 's totally wet , and has probably pooped too . Finally there are the days like today . If I so much as ask , " Trevor , do you need to pee - pee potty ? " , he runs away and hides , then races into the bathroom and tries to flush the toilet without being caught , then races back out . Laughing wildly the entire time . I honestly think he 's doing it on purpose . You know , playing games with me . Well , I already knew he has selective hearing and very selective memory , so I guess selective wetting his pants is to be expected . Insight anyone ? Posted by Do you ever just wonder about random , insignificat little things until they drive you crazy ? I do . Let me give you an example . Recently , I was driving home from work and listening to the radio . A song by the Eagles came on , and as I sang along ( don 't worry , I was by myself ) , it triggered something that has bugged me for well over a decade . It bugs me every time I hear the song . The song in question is " Lyin ' Eyes " . There is a part that goes : She rushes to his arms , they fall together / she whispers that it 's only for a while / she swears that soon she 'll be comin ' back forever / she pulls away and leaves him with a smile . Now , does she pull away and leave with a smile on her face , or does she pull away and leave him with a smile on his face . When you listen to the way they actually sing that line , with the emphasis , it really could go either wayOpinions anyone ? - A Very Proliferative Little Town . I 'm referring to a little town in Texas called Dumas . So you will understand what I am talking about , here 's the back story : http : / / cherishauthor . blogspot . com / 2006 / 08 / small - world - sometimes . htmlI went to a local McDonald 's the other day and , as is my norm , I used the drive - thru . I ordered a chicken caesar salad with extra croutons and extra dressing . The girl asked me if I wanted the chicked grilled or crispy ( read : fried ) . I told her I would like it grilled . On the little " confirm your order " screen appears : " Bacon Ranch Salad Crispy , 2 Croutons " I said , " Excuse me , but I ordered a caesar salad with grilled chicken , extra croutons and extra dressing . " " Oh . " Pause . " OK . " After a couple seconds the little screen changed to read " Caesar Salad Grilled , 2 Croutons , 2 Dressing " I thought , " Great ! Now we 're getting somewhere . " I drove around and paid . When they handed me the bag with the salad in it , I looked inside . I saw 2 crouton packs , one pack of ranch dressing , and a salad in a plastic container with a lid on it . The girl at the window ( a different girl , mind you ) said , " Oh wait , I think I gave you the wrong salad . " I agreed and gave it back . She took it somewhere inside where all 4 or 5 employees on duty proceeded to have a discussion about it . I heard bits like " what 's that ? " , " what 'd she order ? " , " Is this a caesar salad ? " , " it 's grilled chicken " , " that IS what she ordered , see ? " , and other snippets along that line . Girl # 2 came back to the window and asked , " Ma ' am , did you order a caesar salad ? " I said , " yeeeeeesssss . " ( in a tone that hinted , ever so slightly , " you moron ! " ) She smiled sweetly at me and said real nice , like I was the stupid one , " Well , this is a caesar salad . " I took a deep breath and said , " That may well be . I didn 't examine the salad itself . But the dressing in there is ranch , and I wanted caesar dressing . Plus , I ordered 2 of them , not just 1 . " She said , " I 'll just switch out the dressing ! " She removed the one packet of ranch dressing , then proceeded to dig around in my bPosted by We went to the beach this past Saturday and Sunday , as is our usual habit . Saturday entailed no mishaps , so we left the sailboat loaded up and decided to go back Sunday . We had a great day on the water , and when it was time to go , we loaded up and headed out . The sailboat I mentioned is a 14 foot inflatable catamaran . It is just wide enough to carry on top of a car easily , so we load it onto the roof of my minivan and tie it down to the luggage rack . I drive the van to the beach , and Hubby follows in the motor home . We have a mini - motor home / camper , and since the beach is only a few miles away we like to take it . It gives us a nice place to sit out of the sun if we want , room to change and feed Trevor if necessary , a portable bathroom , etc . Our local beach here is actually on an island and there is only one bridge onto that island . It is a drawbridge . We were the 4th and 5th cars back from where the bridge opens . We watched it go up , stay for a few minutes while a boat went under , then go back down again . . . almost . The other side had stopped about 3 feet above our side . So close , yet so far away . We sat for a few minutes , then I got out of my car , locked it and joined Johnny and Trevor in the motor home . We had a couple beers and a bottle of water in the cooler . Nothing to eat . Word came back that " they " had no idea how long it might be , but the same thing had happened yesterday and it took over 3 hours to get it unstuck . We must have departed the day before just in time to miss the bridge getting stuck . Anyway , we used to live in the Florida Keys and had experienced drawbridges being stuck for hours , even overnight or all day . We waited a while , and nothing happened . Trevor started to fuss , as it was past his dinnertime . I had a little milk left and gave him that . Six ounces of milk doesn 't hold him for long . A lady knocked on our door and asked if we had a bathroom , because her little boy really needed to pee . We let him come in and use the facilities , then debated charging people a fee to use the toilet . Depending Posted by When my son was first born , a little over 2 years ago ( gawd , time flies ! ) the answer was pretty much unanimous : " He looks just like his dad ! " The older he gets , more and more people are starting to say he looks just like me . Hmmmm . This debate triggered me to go back and look at some baby pictures of myself and hubby . I see resemblances to both of us , but can 't say that he looks " just like " either of us . I 'm interested to see what non - family members think . Glance over these pics and let me know who you think he resembles more strongly ! _____________________________________________ This is Trevor 's dad . _________________________________________________ This is ( obviously ) me . ________________________________________________ And this is our little stinker ! - Sorry for no post in a while . Unfortunately ( ? ) , in the summer months I don 't spend much time on the computer . After work , if I get off late , I spend a couple hours with my kid , put him to bed then fix dinner and eat , while watching an hour or two of TV ( unwinding ) then go to bed . If I get off early , we play outside in the backyard or go to the beach . Then of course it 's dinner and bath and bedtime , then hubby and I eat , unwind a little and go to bed . Sometimes blogging just doesn 't fit into the routine . While I do try to read , comment and basically keep up with all of your blogs , I generally don 't have time to actually post anything . Life 's a Beach ! Enjoy it ! _____________________________________________ A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives . The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped . They were amazed by almost everything they saw , but especially by two shiny , silver walls that could move apart and then slide backtogether again . The boy asked , " Paw , what 's ' at ? " The father ( never having seen an elevator ) responded , " Son , I dunno . I ain 't never seen anything like that in my entire life , I ain 't got no idea ' r what ' tis . " While the boy and his father were watching with amazement , a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button . The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room . The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially . They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order . Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous , voluptuous 24 year - old blonde woman stepped out . The father , not taking his eyes off the young woman , said quietly to his son , " Boy . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . go git cha Momma . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . _ You know how they say " You don 't know what you 've got ' til it 's gone " ? Usually that refers to taking something good in your life for granted and only appreciating it once you 've lost it and can 't get it back . I was just reflecting the other day that it could also apply to really , really crappy things in your life that sort of creep up on you gradually . You only realize that they 're crappy later on . I am referring specifically to my last job . I knew for a while that I wasn 't very happy there , but it wasn 't that bad . I just got used to the way things were . Some of you know a little about it , as I did a couple of posts recently about my decision to quit the job and my efforts to find a new ( better ) one . I work in the field of ophthalmology , so ( obviously ) I work in doctor 's offices . For doctors . No offense to any doctors who may be reading this ( ha ha ) , but they are a strange lot . They are all different , but they are all strange . Unfortunately , some of them are also assholes - kind of , well , exactly like my former boss . I had gradually grown so accustomed to long stressful days , revolving door turnover at the workplace , borderline unethical practices , and a boss I detested , that I didn 't realize how miserable I was . My poor husband realized it - he was subjected to me coming home in a bad mood almost every day . When I finally decided it was time to move on , it was actually a little hard to leave the place I had worked at for a year and a half . Even though I hated it . Weird huh ? Anyway , after a few weeks at my new job , I realized that I really appreciated a lot of things about this job . It started to dawn on me how good I had it at this new place . Naturally , the next thing to cross my mind was how bad it was at the old place . As I reminisced a little , I found myself to be horrified at some of the bullshit I tolerated . Of course at that time , I needed the job , was making enough to make ends meet ( barely ) and there was no way I could afford to quit without having another job lined up . And I had no time to look for other jobsPosted by Yesterday was my son Trevor 's 2nd birthday . We celebrated by spending the day at the beach - his favorite place . He got lots of cool presents , a card , a cake and a little bit of a sunburn . A great time was had by all ! ___________________________________________ In other news : We finally got our other iguana back ! A neighbor spotted him in his yard , captured him and returned him to us safe and sound . Bonnie and Clyde are reunited at last . ____________________________________________ A joke : A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales , so the owner put up a sign saying , " Free Sex with Fill - Up " . Soon a local redneck pulled in , filled his tank , and then asked for his free sex . The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10 . If he guessed correctly , he would get his free sex . The redneck then guessed 8 , and the proprietor said , " You were close . The number was 7 . Sorry , no sex this time . " A week later , the same redneck , along with a buddy , Bubba , pulled in for a fill - up . Again he asked for his free sex . The proprietor again gave him the same story , and asked him to guess the correct number . The redneck guessed 2 this time . Again the proprietor said , " Sorry , it was 3 . You were close , but no free sex this time . " As they were driving away , the redneck said to his buddy , " I think that game is rigged and he doesn 't really give away free sex . " ' Bubba replied , " No it ain 't , Billy Ray . It ain 't rigged - - - - - my wife won twice last week ! " Iguana update . . . ( top is Bonnie , bottom is Clyde ) Remember our fugitive iguanas , Bonnie and Clyde ? ( no joke , those are their names ) Anyway , Clyde hung out in a tree in our backyard for a few days , and eventually disappeared . We had almost given up hope of getting them back , when lo and behold , Bonnie turned up in our yard , just walking around on the ground . Hubby walked over to her , picked her up and put her in the cage . That simple ! So we printed up some fliers about Clyde ( still missing ) with our phone number and placed them around the neighborhood . The next day we got a call from a nearby neighbor who said that Clyde had been in his yard the day before , but he had disappeared again . So far , he has been spotted a couple times and seems to still be on our block . We plan to continue searching and trying to get him back . This is a full body pic of Bonnie , just to give you an idea . Both Bonnie and Clyde are about 4 and 1 / 2 feet long including tails . ________________________________________ The joys of traveling : A man and a woman , who have never met before , find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train . Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room , the two are tired and fall asleep quickly . . . he in the upper bunk and she in the lower . At 1 : 00 AM , he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying , " Ma ' am , I 'm sorry to bother you , but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket ? I 'm awfully cold . " " I have a better idea , " she replies . " Just for tonight , let 's pretend that we 're married . " " Wow ! That 's a great idea ! ! " he exclaims . " Good , " she replies . " Get your own damn blanket ! " After a moment of silence , he farted . Hi everyone ! First of all , sorry I haven 't been around for a while . As you know , I have been in the process of changing jobs and moving . We have successfully relocated to our new house in a new town , but we have sure had some interesting adventures along the way . I am sooooo sick of moving . We lived in one little place in Key Largo from 1999 ( right before we married ) up until Sept . of 2003 . Then we decided to move to Corpus Christi , Texas . Why ? Well , we needed a change of scene ( for many reasons - too much to go into now ) and I was born and raised in south Texas . Corpus is on the water and we would be about an hour and a half from my parents and grandmother . So we relocated . We spent our first year there in a one bedroom apartment , I got pregnant so we moved into a larger , 2 bedroom apartment in 2004 . In 2005 I lost my job , then a few months later my husband lost a good job also . so we decided we had enough and were going back to Florida . We had nothing lined up in Florida so we spent our first 3 weeks in St . Petersburg , in a trailer that belongs to a friend of a friend , renting it by the week . I landed a job in Zephyrhills , so we moved up there . We lived there in a one bedroom duplex for almost a year , with my son sleeping in the living room . When I got a raise and we could afford to move again , we moved to Tampa into a 2 bedroom apartment . Any of you who have been reading this blog know what happened then . I made the decision that I needed to change jobs again because I couldn 't stand working for a tyrant . So I found a new ( and better , and higher paying ) job in the same field and accepted it . Unfortunately it was just too far away to commute so we had to move again . Now we are in a great little house in a neat little town right on the beach . Whew ! We were really tired of carrying furniture and loading up a U - Haul ( moving truck ) , so this time we hired movers to come in and do it for us . They were supposed to show up last Saturday at 11 : 00 am . They were also supposed to call the day before and confirm . We were out ofPosted by I know , I know , I haven 't posted in forever . I have been busy with the new job ( 1 - 1 1 / 2 hour drive each way ) and getting ready to move this weekend . So far the new job is awesome . I can 't wait to live 15 minutes away instead of an hour and 15 minutes . As much as I hate moving , this is worth it . Will put up a better post next week after we get settled . Bye for now ! - What a great Monday ! WTF ? When was the last time I said that ? No , I 'm not ( entirely ) nuts , today was the best Monday I 've had in a while . I didn 't realize how badly I had come to dread Mondays until I didn 't dread one . You 're probably wondering what I 'm babbling about , huh ? Today was my first day at my new job . It went great ! Of course some things are always done differently from office to office , and some of the equipment was slightly different from what I have experience with , but overall I had no problems . Everyone there is very nice and the environment is pleasant . Today we saw about 34 patients , and it was an " atypically busy day " . This job is going to be so much easier and less stressful than my last 2 jobs have been . The only thing that will make this better is when we get moved over to that area . Right now I have about an hour drive each way . After moving , it will be more like 15 minutes . As far as I 'm concerned right now , getting paid more money for doing less work is a win - win situation ! - One thing I didn 't mention in my last post was that on Tuesday , after my Monday meeting with Dr . Chaos and before my interview at the new practice , Dr . Chaos ' wife came in to talk to me . She cornered me in the lunchroom while I was eating . I saw her throught the window and knew why she was there , but I didn 't have time to escape . She basically reiterated everything her husband had already said . The main difference was that she seemed willing to talk more freely about certain things than he did . I had asked him some direct questions about the " changes " he planned on making within the practice , and about the new administrator he had hired . A woman had come in a few weeks prior to interview for the administrator position . She impressed me , and everyone else she spoke to , as a total bitch . I asked Dr . Chaos right up front if she was the one he had hired , and let him know that if so , it would pose a problem . I didn 't like her and had no desire to work with her . He dismissed my questions by saying , " I am not at liberty to discuss that with you . " Well , after speaking with Mrs . Chaos and several other employees , I found out that she was in fact the new administrator . Also a few other things that he had told me weren 't adding up . After the great interview I had with the new practice on Tuesday afternoon , I had pretty much made up my mind that I was leaving and was derading my next meeting with Dr . Chaos . The new place called me Wednesday morning and confirmed the new job . I was ecstatic ! When Dr . Chaos confronted me on Wednesday afternoon , I told him that I had made my decision and was taking the new job . He acted flabbergasted and asked me why . I saw no choice but to tell him the truth . I told him he was not honest with me at our last meeting , and explained why I was making this claim . His response : " I didn 't say it was her and I didn 't sayit wasn 't her - so I didn 't lie to you . " I had asked him direct questions about matters that were not confidential or top secret . I let him know that I had some issues with theses matterPosted by Well , I had my job interview today . It went very well as far as I could tell . The doctor kept saying how qualified I am . He seemed to indicate that he thought I would be a good fit with the practice . He asked if I had any questions , and answered a few , but when I asked about health insurance and benefits , he referred me back to the practice administrator . I got back with her , has a tour of the facility and got all the pertinent info . I definitely got the impression that I would get the job , but they said they would call me . I told my current boss yesterday that I planned on leaving and taking another job . I may have jumped the gun a little , since I don 't have a concrete offer yet , but in my field I don 't think I will have any trouble finding work . He pleaded with me to stay , offered me more money , made " promises " , the whole 9 yards . He wasn 't very happy when I told him I couldn 't give him an answer on the spot . I told him I had a meeting scheduled the next afternoon with this other doctor , and I wanted to meet with him and hear what he had to say . I commented , " I only think that 's fair . " Dr . Chaos looked me straight in the eye and said " Why is that fair ? " I was almost speechless at that . I tried to explain that I had committed to an appointment and that this man had set aside time from his schedule to speak with me . Then I thought " Why am I trying to justify this ? " and just said , " I 'm keeping the appointment and I will let you know after . Thank you for giving me this time to make my decision . " Dr . Chaos ' response to this was , " So you 'll call me in the morning ? " I said , " No . I will call you after the meeting and after I make a decision . " He said nothing to that . I can 't see any reason for the new place not to offer me the job . It 's perfect for me . The salary will be about the same , but the benefits are FAR superior to where I am now . I dread telling Dr . Chaos that I have decided to leave , because I know he will be unhappy and may pressure me . I am just trying to avoid contact with him until I know for sure that I havPosted by Well , I 've finally decided to do it . I 'm going to quit my job . No , I 'm not taking a sabbatical or choosing to stay home with my son ; I couldn 't afford to do that . It 's not that I don 't want to work anymore , I just don 't want to work there . I try not to go on about work too much on this blog , but I know I have shared some stories in the past . I started work there 1 1 / 2 years ago , and there have probably been about 10 or 12 employees that have started since then , and have also quit / walked off the job / went to lunch and never came back , etc . since then . And several " long term " employees who were there before I started have also resigned since I 've been there . And this is not a huge company . We have 20 - 25 employees total . You 'd think most employers whose heads were not shoved completely up their asses would realize that there 's a problem somewhere . Turnover like that is ridiculous . We have been shorthanded in at least one department , sometimes more , for at least the last year and a half . Everybody else realizes that this is because the boss is a total jerk , the practice has no organization whatsoever , payscale is relatively low for the area , the " benefits " are minimal , bonuses and incentives are nonexistent , but for some reason he can 't see this . Why would I take a job there in the first place ? Well , the boss painted a much prettier picture of the situation during the interview and tour of the practice . Unfortunately , I didn 't really do much investigation beyond this because the main reason I went there was that I had worked previously with one of the doctors ( " Dr . W " ) there , and wanted to work with him again . The place I will ( hopefully ) be working at is a practice which I had prior conatct with a couple years ago . When I first decided to move to this area , I sent them a resume . they called me back almost immediately and were very interested . I was definitely leaning toward taking a job there , and only changed my mind and took the job I took so that I could work with Dr . W . They had 2 job openings 2 years ago , one employePosted by Well , we made it back from the famous family ski trip ! That 's where I was all last week , hence no posts and hardly any comments . The bad news is , we are all sick with a stomach virus . " We " being myself , husband and 22 month old . The kid got it first , I assume he picked it up in the daycare we had him in while we were skiing . Hubby and I followed suit . I didn 't go in to work today , slept all day and went to the doctor . Doctor said not to go in tomorrow either , so another day of sleeping is planned . That and clear liquids . I 'll try to put up a better post in a few days . Goodnight ! - My beautiful baby , the joy of my life , the apple of my eye , etc . etc . has just accomplished his crowning acheivement to date : He ( finally ) learned to say " mommy " ! He has been saying " daddy " for some time now , and my husband goes on about how wonderful it makes him feel to hear Trevor say it . I agree - it was really awesome ! ! ! ___________________________________________________ Colts , Cowboys & Patriots ! ! ! An Indianapolis Colts fan , a Dallas Cowboys fan and a New England Patriots fan were all in Saudi Arabia , sharing a smuggled crate of booze . All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them . The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia , so for the terrible crime , they were sentenced to death ! However , it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished , and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip . As they were preparing for their punishment , the Sheik suddenly said , " It 's my first wife 's birthday today , and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping . " The Patriots fan was first in line ( he drank the least ) , so he thought about this for a while and then said , " Please tie a pillow to my back . " This was done , but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through . The Patriots fan had to be carried away crying like a baby . The Cowboys fan was next up ( he almost finished an entire fifth by himself ) , and after watching the scene , said " All Right ! Please fix two pillows on my back . " But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through , sending the Cowboys fan out crying like a little girl . The Colts fan was the last one up ( he had finished off the crate ) . The Sheik turned to him and said , " You support the greatest team in the world . Your city and fans are the greatest . For this , you may have two wishes ! " Thanks , your most Royal highness , " the Colts fan replies . " In recognition of your kindness , my first wish is that you give me not 20 , but 100 lashes . " Not only are yoPosted by I have been very negligent with my blogging lately . I haven 't posted in almost 3 weeks ! I also have not been visiting any of you as often as I should . Sorry about that . Anyway , things have calmed down at work . Pretty much . Our newest employee started on Jan . 2 - out of the 4 work days that week , he called in with a " family emergency " twice , and called in sick once . He tried to call in yesterday , but our supervisor told him if he wanted to keep his job , she really needed him to be at work . He showed up . Late . On a better note - 19 DAYS ' TIL OUR VACATION ! ! ! We will soon be off for a week of freezing our butts off in the mountains . If you didn 't know , this is our annual family ( and almost family ) ski trip in Colorado . There are 9 of us including altogether - my parents , my sis and bro - in - law , a very close family friend and her husband , and of course there 's me , Johnny and Trevor . We always have a terrific time ! I 'm hoping Trevor can start skiing next year . I have started a new diet and exercise plan . I have stuck to the diet faithfully and haven 't cheated at all . I have been so - so on the exercise . All in all , though , I have lost 2 pounds and feel really good , so I can 't complain . My parents bought us a new digital video camera for Christmas , so we could record and send them videos of their grandson . At first I was really excited and enthusiastic about learning to use it . Then I open the box and took out a bunch of wires , computer discs and other small objects as yet unidentified . OK , I can sort this out . Then I looked at the instruction manual . I tried to flip it open to the English section , then realized it was open to the English section . I have managed to take some video footage and download it to the computer with the software that came with the camera . I used to do this fairly easily with my old , cheap , low resolution camera that produced small blurry videos . With this new camera , it took some doing . The horrendous instruction manual explained how to then transfer this footage to a recordable DVD via my computers DVPosted by I am a free spirited woman with a terrific husband and a son born April 14 , 2005 . We live in the Tampa Bay area on the west coast of Florida . I have a " real job " as an ophthalmic technician , while my husband is a stay at home dad during the day and a musician / entertainer at night . |
I hate to have to report today 's actions , but I guess I must . While geocaching on the desert with friends , Jeff and Sonya , I lost my balance and fell , face first in the sand . My left cheek is very bruised and swollen . I ended up with sand in my mouth , my nose , my eyebrows , my hair , and my ears . Immediately , my left cheekbone was swollen , and my left eye will barely open . It looks dreadful tonight and will probably be even worse tomorrow . And , NO , this is not an April Fool 's joke . That will come tomorrow , I fear ! Todd , Bonnie , and the pups came to check on me this afternoon . They were horrified . Lexie was alarmed and jumped up to tend to me . When they got ready to leave , she hid in the front of the motorhome . She didn 't want to leave ! I have had an ice pack on it most of the afternoon and evening . I will probably scare people tomorrow when I go to the doctor to get the report on my last blood tests . More fun and games ! We have decided Yuma is the land of the birds . When we first came here in November we commented on the lack of birds . Well , we must be in a migration path . Now there are lots of doves , probably looking for nesting places , and our resident hummingbirds , but we see road runners and sometimes cranes . Today , while we were waiting in front of Todd and Bonnie 's house , we saw several quail . Usually , when we see a covey of quail they are fairly small , and on the ground running from bush to bush . We use to see lots of the little things on the Air Base where Brent lived in Tucson . The one 's we saw today were quite a bit larger and they were running along the top of the brick wall between to RV lots . When they got to corner , they turned and ran in front of our motorhome . We don 't know how long they stayed on the wall . We lost sight of them . Maybe we should rename this Birdville ! Not only do the birds seem to like it here , but there are fighter planes and helicopters in the air nearly every day . We are really enjoying being in Yuma ! It was still windy today , but not so much dust in the air . This morning we watched helicopters flying at the base of the mountains . They must 've been on some kind of training mission . We were south of town a few days ago and a Marine plane was dropping flares , four at a time . When they would all land , four more would be dropped . We have no idea what the purpose was . There were lots of people parked and watching . We didn 't stop so were not able to get any information . The baby hummingbird continues to grow . It seems to be hanging out of the nest on all sides . It is fun to watch the little thing . Several people have come to see it and take pictures . We didn 't know we were moving to a " celebrity " neighborhood ! The paparazzi are every place these days . The wind has blown today . This evening , there was so much dust in the distance , the mountains to the north and the east were out of sight . I have spent quite a bit of time checking and double checking the tax information I have prepared . Maybe tomorrow , I will get things filed . That 's what I keep hoping will happen . I 'll keep you posted ! We hope Easter Sunday lived up to your expectations . It was a beautiful day here in Yuma … not too warm and very little wind . The landscaping is one of the differences here in Arizona . There are palm trees and lots of varieties of cacti , some of which have beautiful blooms . There are very few " flower beds " like other parts of the country , but the many kinds of cacti makes up for it . The weather is too warm and dry for traditional plants . And you don 't have to worry about coming home to find a sack of zucchini on your door step . We have seen several home gardens , but not many . Of course , the commercial fields have many shades of green . Even those crops will be changing as the weather gets hotter . Cotton and wheat are grown locally , as well as several " seed " plants … onions , beans , peas … things like that are grown for the seeds . The ground is allowed to " rest " from now until the end of August . The little hummingbird is getting very brave . Its little head is visible most of the time . Bill thinks it is getting too big for the nest , but I think it is just like any other young creature … curious about the world out there ! There is a tiny hummingbird nest on one of the wires of the storage shed of the RV lot where we moved two days ago . Sometimes we can see its beak sticking up and sometimes just a very little round head peeking over the edge of the nest . The nest looks perfectly round and is about the size of a ping pong ball . It is secured on a little light on a string of Christmas lights . We often see an adult bird standing guard over the baby . This turned into a very busy day for us . We spent quite a bit of time watching the hummingbird family . They are amazing little creatures . At 11 : 30 , we collected Todd and Bonnie to go to In - N - Out for lunch . It was fairly crowded , but not as much as one would expect on a Saturday . Todd seems to be doing well since his hernia repair procedure on Thursday . He 's on the mend ! Before going back home , we stopped at Albertson 's for a few grocery supplies . It was 2 : 00 before we got home . I had about 50 minutes to rest before back to Todd and Bonnie 's to watch the Oregon Ducks play basketball . Bonnie took pity on me sitting all these days without proper TV reception . She knows how important the U of O is to me . I am sorry to say there was nothing to quack about today . They lost by a whole bunch of points . It was as if someone had forgotten to tell them there was a game today . They were pitiful , to say the least . They did make it further than lots of other teams though ! Bonnie fixed spaghetti for dinner , with salad and bread . Easter cupcakes rounded out the meal . We all agreed it was a fun day ! Several times during the night I woke up wondering where I was . For several months I have been sleeping with my head to the north . Last night I was heading south . I was " lost . " When Bill and I have been traveling a lot , we often woke up wondering where we were . Last night was a little different . Our new landlords came at noon . They immigrated from Germany years and years ago . It was nice visiting with them . This seems like a good place to park and , if all goes well , we will probably stay here next fall when we come back to the area . Todd and Bonnie are parked on the street north of us and one lot east . Since we came to the area , Bonnie has given us the daily newspaper when they finish with it . This morning it came flying over the back fence . Now that is Special Delivery , in its truest sense of the word ! After our new German friends left , we went to see how Todd was doing after his surgery . He seemed to be doing quite well . I ask him when he thought he would feel like going to In - N - Out . He answered " tomorrow " before I barely got the words out of my mouth ! So tomorrow it is ! Bill and I ate at Arby 's today and then made a quick stop at Walmart . I stayed in the car , while Bill went in . By then , I had just about reached my limit of endurance . Our TV satellite is still not working . It may be next week before the problem is solved . That 's to - o - o - o - o long , with March Madness still on and NASCAR , plus Dancing With The Stars Monday night . This is getting serious ! This was moving day for the Dane 's . Bill wanted to get the windshield facing north so the sun wouldn 't heat up the coach so much . All went well until we tried to get the TV to work . It was having a signal problem . And wouldn 't you know it … just when the Oregon Ducks were playing Duke ! That was an important game in March Madness . And it wouldn 't happen during a John Wayne movie . Oh , no ! It wouldn 't dare ! Doesn 't anyone remember John 's nickname was The Duke . That would be totally unforgivable ! Batman and Superman would have been called into action for a national emergency like that ! Brent kept me posted concerning the score , and called me with the good news that the Ducks won ! Quack , quack ! Todd had hernia surgery this afternoon . I went to their house twice to " pup sit " and put them outside for potty breaks . It was a really hard job for me to stay with those two adorable little pups . We had some time on the couch with one dog sleeping by my feet and the other one by my head , and me in the middle grabbing some z - z - z - zs . It was a tough job , but somebody had to do it . I 'm glad I was chosen . It was a labor of love ! Todd seemed in good shape when they returned . He was glad to have it over with . One more thing off the list ! Bill went to an early morning meeting and brought me a donut for breakfast . It was good , but just about too much for my system to handle . Next time … if there is a next time … I will request something smaller . I miss things like that , but hardly ever break my routine . We went back to take a look at the neighborhood around the house we are considering buying . There is only one questionable place on the block … the next house east . We 'll just have to do some more pondering before making an offer . At Bill 's meeting , someone told him about a place just going on the market . We went to look , but decided it was much more house than we want or need . I finished my tax work , with the exception of two very minor parts . Hopefully it will be all taken care of and e - filed by the weekend . It snowed in Loveland so Matthew had a snow day , because there wasn 't time to get the streets plowed safely . I feel very sure I don 't need to send him a sympathy card . Tippy was extra excited to be out romping in the snow . It must of snowed just so he could play in it . Bill was glad to be in Yuma where it was somewhat cooler than last week , but also very windy . And not a sign of a flake … beside Bill . We only had a couple of errands to go on today . Both of them , however , took quite a bit of time . We spent about an hour and a half touring a house for sale . We had walked around the outside several times … no one is living in the house … but today a realtor took us inside . The house is much roomier than we had expected , with a large open kitchen and living room , two bedrooms and two full baths . There is a garage with space for a washer and dryer , and a work bench along one side . The covered porch on the front of the house is large . The down side of the whole setup is a lot of junk on the lot next door . There is a brick wall between the properties , but it only goes so far at hiding the stuff . One other draw back is the price . It is more than we want to pay . We would offer them less than the asking price , and see where it goes from there . Spaces for two RVs with 30 amp service are along the wall . There are some cacti and several palm trees , but it needs a little more landscaping . Bill and I will do some serious talking tomorrow before deciding what to do . We went to Walmart where I was able to get a power chair to making shopping so much easier for me . After resting off and on during the afternoon , I worked on our tax information project . I have about another hour 's work . Yippy , Skippy ! The high this afternoon was 81 ° and there was a breeze blowing that helped cool things down . It was a pleasant day ! Happy first day of Spring ! Some of the desert flowers are blooming . The ocotillo with their tiny green leaves up each tall slender branch and the red blossoms are so pretty at this time of year . They are probably one of my favorite native plants in this part of the country . There are several plants I don 't know the names for , but maybe I will learn them next year . At least I should be able to find information at the library . I know there is a Garden Club here and part of their focus is native plants . Bonnie baked brownies today and invited them over to share with ice cream . It was a great way to end the day . I thought my friend Alice was the best brownie baker I had ever met , but Bonnie 's were just as good . Hm - m - m ! Bonnie the beader bakes the best brownies ! By the time we came home , a cool breeze was blowing . It was a very pleasant Spring evening ! The weather was about the same as yesterday - - warm and dry . This place could use a good soaking rain . Sadly , I don 't think that is in any of the weather forecasting . We drove around looking at houses before going for a late lunch at Taco Bell . More looking after eating and then back home to our air conditioned house … for naps ! I got a little bit done on taxes , but had to apologize to Michelle for not getting finished . And my desk looks like a mountain of paper work . If I attempt to climb the mountain , I am afraid I will fall off , but I don 't seem to have much choice . If you hear wild thumps , thuds , and screams , you 'll know what happened . Oregon won their basketball game tonight ! Yippy , Skippy ! And " Quack , quack , quack ! " The temperature was up today , but the air conditioner in the coach took care of the heat quite nicely . I rested part of the day and worked on tax things some of the remainder of the time . I hope to get back the that boring task as soon as I cut this blog short . Tax Day is fast approaching ! " See " you tomorrow ! At 10 : 00 this morning , I went to see my primary doctor . She had had some blood work done , and I wanted to get the results . Three of the tests showed lower results than they should have been . She is searching for a reason for my fatigue . She ordered four more tests and referred me to a hematologist at the Yuma Cancer Center . I will see him next Friday . She must have pulled some strings to get me into a specialist so quickly . After getting the packet of info to fill out ahead of time , we went back to the lab for the blood work . Todd and Bonnie called from Verizon and wanted to meet us at In - N - Out for lunch . It was well after 1 : 00 when we all got there . Besides eating , we had a lot to catch up on . As usual , the place was very busy . I took a nap when we got home . At 4 : 30 , we tuned in to watch the Oregon Ducks beat up on Holy Cross in basketball . The Ducks have some really good players . This was the first round of March Madness . I don 't know who we play next . I count on Brent to keep me up on the schedule and things like that . Quack , quack ! Happy St . Patrick 's Day ! We both wore green today so there were no pinches ! That 's always a good thing . We had corn beef and cabbage for dinner , thanks to Sonya from next door . That 's the luck of the Irish , I guess … nice neighbors ! After a late lunch at In - N - Out , we went to Walmart . I drove an electric cart , so all went well . For me , now , that 's the only way to shop . The highlight of the day , other than eating at my favorite place and shopping at my favorite place , was talking to JP , my favorite solar engineer . That 's always special . We talked about places he and Natalia traveled with us . He was also concerned about the fact that we might sell the motorhome . He said he couldn 't stand the thought of us without a motorhome . I assured him that he didn 't have much to worry . When the time comes , we will get something smaller and easier to drive and easier for me to get into ! Brent called with the news that Courtney is now officially Dr . Stewart . She has worked long and hard for it , and we are extremely proud of her . At 10 : 00 this morning , we went to a Farmer 's Market that is held ever Wednesday . It is in the parking lot of a Methodist Church . Lots of people were there shopping They had booths selling clothes , jewelry , and things like that . There was a large area selling produce , which is what we had gone for anyway . It was very crowded . We bought some tomatoes and that was it . I had trouble with the crowd , and I wasn 't feeling well , so it wasn 't a good place for me to be . I was very weak so Bill brought the car as close as he could . It is frustrating to have these weak spells . I go back to the doctor on Friday . Maybe she will have found some answers in my last blood work . We introduced the owners of the RV spot where we are parked to geocaching . One particularly well hidden one had evaded them on four different tries . We went to the spot and couldn 't find it , either , although we " logged " it several years ago . We told Todd we needed help . He had also found it years ago , but couldn 't remember where it was hidden . He called a friend who was able to tell him the exact location . We took Todd this morning , found it and were able to give Jeff and Sonya a hint . It was a really tricky one ! Bill and I drove around house looking again this morning . No luck , but we had a good time in our efforts . Sonya cooked St . Patrick 's Day dinner a day early because of their work schedule . She brought us corned beef and cabbage , and steamed potatoes and carrots . There also were Rice Crispy Treats for desert . Yum , yum ! We had an 8 : 30 meeting this morning with a RE / MAX realtor . The house had a lot of possibilities , but it had been added on to over the years and some of the additions were rather strange . The main objection was the small size of the lot . There was absolutely no way to add a garage without adding one more strange addition . We really need and want a garage . We need one to the get the Honda out of the hot sun . These months aren 't the hottest yet to come and we know how much heat metal attracts in the blazing sun . Today , although the temperature didn 't reach 90 ° , the door handles got too hot to touch comfortably . And more importantly , Bill misses having a garage … a place to putter around . We drove around several more neighborhoods , but didn 't see anything that interested us . We will do some more looking around tomorrow . We are getting well acquainted with various parts of Yuma . We went to a place that advertised good fish and chips . We were disappointed ! But we 'll just have to keep trying places as they are recommended . It is kind of a fun new hobby and it goes well with geocaching . We got a much later start than usual this morning . It was a truly late start for these two old people . Our first stop once we got out and about was at Taco Bell and it was 1 : 30 by then . We really had a lazy morning … and afternoon ! After eating , we drove around the neighborhood north of I - 8 . It was a " regular " neighborhood , with mostly adobe houses . The difference was that there were hardly any houses with RV parking . On the south side of the freeway , very few places don 't have RV facilities . On the north side where we were looking today , maybe 1 % of the houses had RV accommodations . What a difference ! Our third goal was to take a bunch of items to donate at a thrift store . I have been collecting things for several months and the bag was full . Now I can start collecting again . Our last stop before going home was at Dollar Tree . While there we met a very nice lady who lives not too far from us . She told us about a house for sale in her block . We drove by , took the information off the sign , and called about seeing the house … tomorrow morning at 8 : 30 . Ouch ! These early morning " wake up calls " are about to do me in . We just never know who will tell us about just the right house for us ! Bonnie and the two pups walked over to see us . Those two adorable little dogs always expect a treat when they come to see us . Hm - m - m ! I wonder why ! Todd didn 't come . He wasn 't feeling well . He 's kind of like me … some good days and some not so good ! Today was the day for setting the clocks forward . We had planned to do just that until we heard on the news last night that Arizona doesn 't go on Daylight Savings Time . So we left everything alone . This morning when we went to the Geocaching breakfast at the Holiday Inn , we were on time , so everything must have been A OK . We enjoy meeting with the group of fellow caches . We have made quite a few friends that way , and since we plan to spend the next few winters here , it is nice to know some of the locals . Bill has done most of the caches since we arrived here in Yuma . He went with Dwight and Sheila when they were in the area and with Todd since then . Sometimes I go along and sometimes I choose to stay home . It works for me ! This afternoon , we watched the NASCAR race from Phoenix . Jeff is no longer driving a race car , but he is one of the announcers . Kevin Harvic won today . He said it was his little boy 's third birthday and his son didn 't want him to race today . He wanted him to stay home . Kevin said driving a race car was his job . His little boy said , " Get Jeff Gordon to drive for you . He doesn 't work anymore ! " Kids have a great way of solving problems , don 't they ? Too bad adults don 't retain that talent ! I chose to stay home this morning to work on tax stuff . Whoop - de - do ! I made good progress , but by noon I needed a break . And surprise , surprise ! The first thing to pop into my head was In - N - Out ! Imagine that ! After eating , we went to Sam 's Club for gasoline . I opted out of the fitness center , much to Bill 's chagrin . I was able to find my swim suit so I 'm ready for tomorrow … maybe ! I napped when we got home and then started on my Saturday tax job again . I 've made good progress . Hopefully , I will continue tomorrow . Bret Maverick said if you see a train at the end of the tunnel , its time to change tracks . Well , all I saw at the end of the tunnel was light , so I guess I can stay on the same track I 'm on now . I want to " get back on track " before bedtime , so I will cut this short and see how long it is until I have to inspect the inside of my eyelids . In " Bill - speak " that means sleep . At 10 : 15 , we got Todd and Bonnie to go on an adventure with us . The big hospital that serves all of Yuma , and the one I spent eight hours at the Emergency Room a couple of weeks ago , has been building a huge three story parking structure . The crane , which was lifting all the steel pieces , was going to be dismantled today and tomorrow . Todd and Bonnie 's son , Donnie , was a crane operator before he was disabled in a truck accident . We have always been in awe of the very tall cranes , and from time to time ask Donnie questions about the operation . The crane at the hospital was set up for about two years I think , and was about 10 stories high . We parked a block away in an empyt lot and had a very good view of the whole setup . Other people had brought lawn chairs and were sitting across the street in a parking lot . We watched from the Honda . There were four workers way up on the platform , making preparations for the two day event . The crane operator was just that … the operator . In the newspaper article about the event , it said operator had already gone to another job in Chandler , AZ . He doesn 't put ' em up or take ' em down . He just " drives " ' em . When everything was ready , the four workers climbed down the middle of the shaft , and the big move started . Another crane lifted the platform off its perch , and very carefully lowered it . There was a semi waiting at the bottom , but we couldn 't see if it was there to haul the platform away . We watched for a little more , but think it might have been lunch break , because activity stopped . We left , very glad we had been able to see the part we had seen . It was amazing to watch . We are easily entertained , eh ? We went to the Flea Market , ate lunch , and listened to music while we ate . The two guys from the Cowboy Church were playing and singing . We spent the rest of the day resting and relaxing . After getting Todd settled in the Honda , with me in the back seat ( so I can tell the guys where to go ) , we set off to do some caching . We went on the north side of I - 8 . The desert was very , very rocky . I got out and walked to the first cache . After Bill made the find and was signing the log , Todd helped me back across the rocks to the car . That was truly the " lame leading the lame " if there ever was such . But we made it . The next two caches were equally rough so I stayed in the car . Todd went to the last cache , which was further away from the Honda to the north . Todd walked to that one and made it just fine . Bill announced it was " bean time " which means he is ready for lunch . McDonald 's was closest so that is where we went . It has been a long time since we have eaten there , and it was OK . It certainly was busy , as most places are at this time of year . The tourists and the Winter Visitors make for a lot of " eating out . " After resting back at the MH , Bill and I went to the fitness center to pedal the bikes . I mean , as hard as I pedal , I just never seem to move an inch ! You talk about frustrating ! The temperature was warm today so we turned on the air conditioner and stayed in the cool coach the rest of the evening . This morning , via our left side bedroom window which is about 6 feet off the ground , we were able to watch our neighbor , Larry , getting his gold panning supplies and setup ready " for action . " I haven 't felt like going over for a tour of his operation , so I just sat on the bed and looked over the back fence . He had other people there to see what he was doing , so I didn 't feel like a " Peeping Raymonda . " I could have called out the bedroom window to ask permission , but I didn 't . When I feel like going to see him , I will " fess up . " It looked like an interesting hobby . Of course I have a lot of questions to ask Larry . Several years ago when Bill and I were driving on the trails and gullies of Quartzsite , we came upon a professional gold panning operation . It was quite a setup and we weren 't made to feel very welcome , even though the machinery was on public land . Two years ago we were geocaching in the Plomosa area of Quartzite . We were at the site of an old , rather large mining group . We didn 't trespass their operation , but on down the road at another cache , a young man stopped to see if we needed help . He said he is one of the caretakers of the old mine and they are allowed to hunt for gold there , but no one else is allowed to hunt for gold . We told him we were looking for " treasure " of a different kind . He was deer hunting , but before going on his way , he told us about an old miner 's rock cabin if we went on to the end of the road . It was very interesting to visit , but we couldn 't imagine living so remotely all those years ago . The afternoon was spent at the rec center riding their stationery bike . Today I upped the resistance and made the peddling more of a challenge . Of course , all of that effort called for a trip to In - N - Out for supper ! The temperature was 43 ° this morning . Br - r - r - r - r ! We collected Todd late this morning and went to a fitness center not very far from where we are parked . Yes , I know . That 's a shock to everyone who knows how much I dislike exercising . Bill thought we might go more consistently if we had put our " money on the line . " We 'll see ! I know I really need to build some strength in my legs . Maybe this will help . A few days ago I told Bill I wanted to go to the center Michelle goes to in Loveland . He wanted to get a head start by joining here and then we will be ready for the Loveland facilities . I think Todd and Bonnie plan to join , also . She really likes to swim so maybe they will get in the routine , too . We took Todd back home before going to Penney 's to shop for shoes . Can you imagine … he didn 't want to shop with us ? Hm - m - m ! Bill and I had Mexican food for lunch before going back home . We had a conference call with Medicare at 2 : 00 and we barely made it home in time . The call went OK , but we both needed naps when it was over , 45 minutes later . At 4 : 00 we went back to the fitness center so I could start working out on a bicycle . I lasted 10 minutes . We had a 5 : 30 appointment to see a house . It had possibilities , but the price will have to come down some . The hunt will continue ! March 7 , 2016 - - Yuma , Arizona When I got up this morning , I felt good . A little later , I was hit with an intestinal upset so I took some medicine and stayed close to home for the rest of the morning . Bill went to the County Planning Commission to check on some legal aspects of the casita we are interested in purchasing . Not good news ! It was not built according to the permits issued and could not have the updates we wanted . We were glad to find out the legal things about it and cross it off our list . By mid afternoon I was feeling better , so we went for a ride . It is fun looking at houses , although we didn 't actually go into any today . We are in the Foothills area and want to stay in this part of the city . We are in the county rather than the City of Yuma where the major development has been done . Probably 95 % of the Foothills is housing … not very many businesses , except small ones . We went to Arby 's for an early supper . On the way , we noticed there were dark clouds gathering on the mountains to the east . By bedtime , no rain had fallen . The area is still bone dry ! The high today was 63 ° . We needed jackets ! Wow ! We love this kind of weather , but know it might be 30 ° warmer next week . We 'll enjoy it while we can . Today , I have felt better than I have in a long time . I hope this isn 't just the " calm before the storm . " I usually have some good days and then they change to several down days . I was able to get my desk cleaned off , which was a big accomplishment . Some of the top hadn 't seen the " light of day " in a long time . Next on the To Do list is income tax preperation stuff . Certainly not my favorite thing to do , but once I get all the figures gathered together , it really isn 't a very hard process . We watched the NASCAR race from Las Vegas . The weather there was dreadful … high winds , some rain which must have made mud balls , and a dust storm so bad it was hard to see the cars on the track . About the time it was trying to blow " Lost Wages " off the face of the earth , we were hit by a wind storm . It really shook the motorhome . And the dust was so thick we couldn 't see the mountains to the east . This wouldn 't have been a good day to be out Geocaching . By the time we got ready to go to bed , the wind had calmed and the temperature was about 6 ° cooler than last night … two good things ! As usual , it was a busy day for us . We went " casita " looking at 10 : 00 . Bill had an idea he wanted to go over with me concerning a place for a bedroom in a little tiny house . I had already thought of the same place , but had some technical questions to ask . We went to fetch Todd at 10 : 15 so we could find a few ( very few , I might add ) caches . We went toward the Old Yuma Prison and got on a road that would take us on a road around the canal . The first hidden thing was on a rocky slope down to the edge of the canal . Bill had to do all of the hunting because neither Todd nor I are very good on rocky , unstable ground , especially me . After quite a bit of looking , Bill was able to find the container and sign the log for all of us . The second cache was to the south of the canal . We had seen a truck drive down that way earlier , so we followed his path . The container was easy to find , but hard to get access to in order to be able to sign the log . Both Todd and Bill were able to work together to accomplish the task . We went from there back up on the road along the canal . It was just about a repeat of the first canal cache , but Bill wasn 't able to find the hide this time . Our last attempt was futile , also . It was in a large weedy patch between two fields . No luck ! Rats ! ( Excuse me , Sweetens for using your name in vain . A scratch behind your tiny ear might make you feel better , eh ? ) It was a disappointing morning with only two " finds , " but we decided not to drown our sorries in the canal . Instead , we went to In - N - Out for lunch ! Yea ! After a short rest time , we went to look at another house . It had possibilities so we 'll keep it on our list . Back at home , we had some chores to take care of , and will wonders never cease , we were able to accomplish some things . It was cooler weather today and that might have helped . Posted by I asked for a day off while Bill and Todd went caching . I was glad I hadn 't gone with them . They went east toward the mountains which isn 't on the Bombing Range , but is Trust Land . I 'm not sure what that means , but they didn 't get arrested , so their Range passes must be OK . They found five caches and were in some terrible terrain . It was a good thing I hadn 't tagged along . It was very rough going , according to the guys . Meanwhile , back on the ranch , I had plans to get some chores taken care of . But , alas , I got some extra rest , folded some clothes , and that 's about it . So I 'm just a tiny bit ahead . We went to dinner at KFC tonight . It is always good to get together with friends . After eating and visiting , we went back to Todd and Bonnie 's house . I wanted to see their two little dogs after they went to the groomer today . I didn 't realize how " scrappy " they had both gotten until I saw them freshly scrubbed , clipped , and combed . We sat outside visiting for almost two hours … until the temperature got cooler and the chill bumps began to pile up . Posted by We were on the go most of the day , but … surprise , surprise … none of it involved geocaching . We started off by taking a second , or maybe third , look at a casita that we really like . Unfortunately , a bedroom would need to be added and it doesn 't look like a possibility . We both liked the small house , but know it wasn 't quite big enough . Big disappointment ! Oh , well ! Something will come along . We aren 't homeless , yet ! We went to In - N - Out to " drown our sorrows . " After eating and feeling energized , we went to Sam 's Club for a few supplies . I was able to use an electric cart , which made it possible to roam around the store . After Sam 's , we went to Walmart . Once again , I was able to get a battery powered buggy . We got a few groceries before going home to rest . Having a " power mobile " to push me around makes all the difference . I spent most of the rest of the day resting . In spite of all the running around , this was one of my " down " days . Sometimes it is even hard for me to stay upright . I feel like the bones in my legs are melting . Not much fun ! At 10 : 30 , we got out onto the caching trail . Our first attempt was to find a cache we had looked for yesterday . It still evaded us , even with Todd helping . Our second of yesterday 's DNFs was under a bridge , not on a bridge where we had looked for a long time yesterday . Thanks to Todd for the suggestion of where we might need to look . Before we finished , we had found a total of six hidden things . And then the guys started clambering for food . We went to Sam 's Club to eat and then to the gas pumps to feed the Honda . Todd said he couldn 't believe that we were so close to In - N - Out and ate lunch somewhere else . I told him not to worry . We would make up for it in the next day or two . He voted for that ! On the way home we found our last cache for the day at a golf course not too far from where the motorhome is parked . After resting for a while , we went to look at another casita with RV hook ups . As far as we are concerned , it was " move in " ready , but there are lots of things to consider . It was very warm today so we used one of the air conditioners in the MH . We replaced both air conditioners / heat pumps last year when we were in Oregon , but hadn 't needed to use either one until today . March , already . Wow ! Our caching adventures this morning weren 't as successful as we would have liked them to be . We were able to find three well hidden containers , but had two DNFs . That 's no way to start a new month ! We had been told about a Mexican food place in an out to the way location , so we went there for lunch . It was a small cafe with only six tables . However , they were busy and people often had to wait for a table . In our estimation , the food was mediocre at best . As usual , we each took home half of our lunch . When we ate the leftovers tonight , my opinion of the food didn 't change . I only ate half of my " dragouts , " as my Aunt Louise use to call leftovers . We stopped at a shoe store before going home . It was recommended by a " new friend " I made while waiting in an Emergency Room last week . The shoes I was interested in were $ 200 so I didn 't even try them on . Yikes , that 's a lot to pay for a pair of shoes ! I 've felt good today , but kept going to sleep while watching TV tonight . Bill gave me a good misting of water each time he wanted to wake me up , but it felt so good it kind of defeated his purpose . I would just go right back to sleep . |
Jun23 I 've been hanging out with the Cohort quite a bit lately . Last night we went to a swinger party . I 'm really liking him and the way he handles situations with me . We seem to be on the same page about a lot of things . He SEEMS to be indicating that he wants a more " serious " relationship with me . By " serious " I do not mean " monogamous " . A lot of the things he says and does , though , seem to indicate he wants something more long term . I 'm okay with that . Very okay with that . 🙂 But I 'm not going to push it . I 'm excited , but tentative . I know there are a lot of things that might hold a man back from wanting anything other than just sex with me . Still , so far he does not seem intimidated , so we will see . He keeps saying I seemed to have come into his life at just the right time , when he was on the fence regarding monogamy vs . swinging . I guess I 'm like the perfect compromise . We had a good talk before going to the party . Our final decision was that we would be free to play separately , rather than try to find the perfect people to play with together . No handcuffing one another . We COULD also play together if there were a group situation going down . He even let me know he 'd be okay with threesomes , whether they were with me and another girl , or me and another guy ( see why I 'm liking this guy ? ? ) . If one of us were going off or using the hotel room ( the party was held at a hotel ) , we 'd text to let the other know where we were at . He got a room with double beds , one would be for play and the other kept clean for us to sleep on . At the end of the night it would be just he and I in there and no one else allowed to stay . If any gangbang situations went down , I probably wouldn 't be a part of it , though he might . I didn 't even tell him about the gangbang thing the other night . A couple of guys ( including Mr . Firm ) advised me not to if I 'm thinking more serious with him . I 'm not obligated to tell him what I do at this point outside of at parties , and why risk possibly upsetting him ? So I said nothing about that , BUT he knows I have had negative experiences in the past . We 've talked about it . What 's kind of ironic is that he 's been in a LOT of gangbangs . Like , more than your average Joe , haha . He was involved in some things that actually ended up being a big scandal that I can 't talk about on my blog . In any case , it was all consensual and not pushed . I like that he has been very open with me about that . Anyhow , in keeping with the gangbang theme , some kind of crazy stuff came out right before this party went down last night . In fact , right after we pulled up to the hotel and were walking across the parking lot to check in . SOMEHOW , we had gotten to talking about this girl he used to date that went to my high school . Through her , he had met some people from my hometown . He just happened to bring up , this one guy he said he had met , who really got on his nerves . There was some situation where he happened to be in a bar , with the ex girlfriend from my town , but they were no longer dating . He had temporarily broken up with this other girl he was dating and she happened to be there too . Okay , so THIS GUY was trying to hit on her and telling the Cohort he was going to get her , without knowing that it was a girl he had been seeing . I guess he wasn 't saying because he was there with the other girl . In any case she was shutting him down ( I 'm guessing more because he was there watching than anything ) and dude was really starting to get to him . I mean it was awful . We were in a hotel room , I was naked , because I 'd had sex with him . These other guys ( 10 - 15 of them ) had come in the room and they stole my clothes . I didn 't end up doing anything with them because I started crying and asking him not to let them touch me . He finally ended up telling them to back off , putting his clothes on me and driving me home in his underwear . But not after trying to coerce me into doing it by telling me if I " really loved " him I would . It was pretty traumatic at the time . I don 't even like talking about it too much here on my blog because I know a lot of people would not understand some of it or why I would even have fallen for this guy in the first place . He was also there when I was 15 and the first time I ever actually got involved in a gangbang . That time it was most definitely not something I wanted to do . He was the one standing there saying " man , she 's scared , I don 't want to do this " over and over again , but he 'd gone along with it . He was 19 at the time , at least one of the other guys was 21 … I don 't even want to get into it . The reason it is even relevant is that he brought it up in the second scenario ( after we 'd continued fucking for 3 years ) and was like " you 've done it before " as part of his reasoning that I would do it again . Please , if you are reading this and it upsets you , I understand , but don 't tell me what I " should " have done in those situations or regarding dating him later on . I know . I was young and made a lot of bad decisions that I can 't go back and change now . Like it or not , a few years down the road I fell in love with this guy , and I mean hard . It took me years to get over what happened with him . Honestly , I don 't think he did much better . He would try to sabotage my dating other guys after that . Like any time he would see me out at a club or something , he would try to get the guy alone and tell him I had a boyfriend , make threats to him , or tell lies about me to keep him away . He even did that to the guy I had the affair with ( who is his half brother , complicated , I know ) . He tries to malign me . 20 years later . Its all kinds of fucked up . Especially because he will still like , poke me on Facebook . He did it again a couple of days ago . He 's tried asking me out for drinks too and I shut him down in sort of a mean way ( not that he didn 't deserve it ) . Yet I 've been friendly other times and even have him on my Facebook page . Don 't ask , lol . It will never make sense . I made the mistake of having sex with him ONE time , after the incident too , despite everything . It was the day before I went away for college and I haven 't seen him since . Ugh . I 'm sure that was painful to read . It paints my decisions in a pretty bad light ( and they were ) as well as the guys involved . That may be true but I was young and dumb and sometimes you just do stupid stuff . SO , when the Cohort brought him up I was like OMG , no … not him … hahahaha . Of ALL freaking people ! When I first said I knew him he asked " did you fuck him ? " and said he had heard this guy was running through all kinds of women . I said yes and he said ( jokingly - not serious at all ) " Man , I just lost a little bit of respect for you " . I told him that doesn 't even scratch the surface and let him drag it out of me that we had dated . Later on , sometime in the middle of the night , and after some drinks , we got to talking about this again and it all came out . The whole story about this guy . To my relief , he took it like a champ . 😉 He wasn 't bothered by it at all and didn 't bat an eye when I said I 'd gone back and fucked him again or any of the other messed up stuff . His reaction was " you are ' well traveled ' … I like that about you , you 're a good girl " ( makeout session ) Ha … He said the only person it made him think worse of is the guy , who he already didn 't like , lol . He said it helped him understand my leeriness towards the whole gangbang thing too , that none of the ones he has been involved with had ever been like that . The women always were fully on board . It felt good to get all that off my chest , to someone who wasn 't judgmental about it . A lot of men would be . Apparently not him though . He reminds me a little bit of Mr . Firm . I feel like I 've hit the jackpot between the two of them , for real . I mentioned Mr . Firm to him , briefly , because there is a very slight possibility he could be at this lake party we are planning to go to soon . I wanted him to know if he is , that is someone I 'd definitely want to have some time with . His reaction was " I can tell you like this guy by the tone of your voice " lol . I said well , yeah , he is a good guy and I don 't have a negative word to say about him . He just said he was glad that I was associating with good men now ( yeah , he still doesn 't know about that other night , but whatever , I 'm done with Cousin 3 and his crew for sure ) . So , its all good . The party went pretty well . He played but I didn 't . It was with a woman I knew he would play with beforehand , a married woman he has known longer than me . For a minute it bothered me , even though I knew it shouldn 't , and he didn 't do anything wrong . I 've met her before and she seems nice and not catty or competitive . I know she likes him and also that she fucked like 5 other men earlier in the week . He said he wasn 't going to lie that kind of threw HIM off for a bit even though they aren 't like boyfriend / girlfriend but any time you are fucking someone it can mess with your emotions a bit . I get that , totally . I think probably everyone has feelings like that , even though hearing about him feeling jealous over someone else maybe gave me a little twinge too . Things can get kind of complicated in the Lifestyle , lol . Afterwards , he made a point of paying attention to , and reconnecting with me , so that helped . He wanted to talk about how I felt about it and said he 'd kind of rushed things with her and not even cum because he was worried about getting back to me . So we still have some things to iron out there , but its nice to have open communication about it . I COULD have played but I chose not to . While he was gone I danced and talked with another guy but I just wasn 't feeling him . He didn 't appear to be trying to get me back to his room at first and was just talking about taking me to dinner ( eyeroll ) and I admit a part of me wanted to push for it , just to even the " score " and because the Cohort was fucking someone and it felt unfair . Despite those passing thoughts , when the dude jokingly slipped his hotel room key down the cleavage of my dress , I didn 't bite . I didn 't want to play with someone just for that reason . Anyhow , I got lots of playtime in with the Cohort that night as well as talking about everything under the sun . There wasn 't a lot of sleeping going on , lol . We went out for breakfast in the morning and I 'm feeling pretty good about it all . This entry was posted on June 23 , 2014 , in Communication , feelings , gangbangs , great men , Heartbreak , leaving the past behind , Memory , mistakes , relationships , Remembering , secrets , sharing , swinger parties , swinging and tagged communicating , cruelty , feelings , gangbangs , openness , pressure , relationships , swinging . 5 Comments Jun19 Tonight , I had a sort of gangbang . It was only 3 guys , so I don 't know that it officially " counts " but whatever . I 'm also not feeling that great about it . It wasn 't what I set out to do . I should have known better . My thing about gangbangs , is that its so easy to get pressured into fucking guys that I really don 't want , once I 'm already there and naked . That 's kind of what happened tonight . I wanted to fuck one of the guys . The other ones , not so much . Anyhow , the original PLAN , was supposedly for me to just meet up with ONE person , the Host 's cousin , from my stories Meeting Cousin # 3 and Keeping it in the Family . He 's been hitting me up here and there for a bit , but I hadn 't made the time to see him . Tonight , I was like , what the Hell , it sounds kind of fun . He texted me his address , which is about 15 minutes away , offhandedly mentioning that he has a woman but she wasn 't there . I later found out he is married and she was at work . Married ladies - do you know where your husbands are at while you are working ? Probably gangbanging some girl in the guest room with all his buddies and family members . They 'll never say a word . : p This is why , I would have a nearly impossible time trusting any man who told me he would never cheat . I 've seen WAY too much of this stuff from the other end , from the time I was young . In fact , these guys remind me of a family I knew growing up , I think I 've mentioned that . Better , to just assume they are going to cheat , and that eventually I will too . So , stop worrying about it and just agree to do your own thing . That 's the angle I 'm coming from now , anyhow . To add to the semi nostalgic feeling , he told me he and his " partner " were over there " slappin bones " . Seems like that 's all the old black men in my neighborhood ever did when I was younger . Sit on their porch and drink beer and play dominoes , lol . His neighborhood was very similar to the Married Man 's , and not too far away from him actually . He too , lives in an older , restored , mansion , in a place that is scattered with a combination of fixed up homes and total slums . He asked , when I arrived , if I was scared of the area and I was like , no , lol . It would take a lot for me to be afraid of a neighborhood . He had me come in through the garage and backyard , where I was greeted at the back door by a giant pitbull . He was like " are you scared of dogs " ? No , not that either . He fixed me up a paper plate with homemade lasagna . I asked and he said it was made by his wife . Nice . I 'm sure she would really appreciate him feeding their guest . It was good though , along with a cold can of Hawaiian Fruit Punch . His brother in law was there ( his sister 's husband ) and a baby nephew , who was cute and maybe 18 months old . He introduced me and we sat on the couch to eat and watch an episode of a show that is similar to Cheaters . Fitting . Then he took me downstairs to show off his basement . Wow ! ! A GIGANTIC screen TV and lots of movies and gaming stuff , alongside a bunch of really nice leather couches and a massage chair . There was basically a whole gym down there with various excercise equipment that he claims he never uses . He had to show me the bathroom that had only urinals . This was definitely the " man cave " . It 's also where he had his table set up with dominoes . He had to point out the painting of a naked woman at the entrance when you go down the steps . He said that 's so you can walk by and " slap that ass " . Upstairs was much like the Married Man 's house . It was decorated with lots of artsy paintings and antique looking items , as well as family photos . I didn 't get a chance to look close up , but I could see that his wife was black . We didn 't go to the top floor but he said the entire thing is the master bedroom and bath . He had an office and a room for his 21 year old , who is moved out of the house , as well as a guest room . He said normally on Wednesday nights the guys come over to play dominoes and that he was in the process of telling them not to show up . Yeahhhh sure … . A guy shows up at the door . He was a bigger guy , though he wore his weight well and had an attractive face . They 've known each other since 4th grade . He introduced me and mentioned he had 5 kids , as well as a nephew that he takes care of . The brother in law left and he gave the baby kisses goodbye , tossing him up in the air . Once they were gone , he pulled me over to him on the couch and pulled his dick out . He gently took a hold of my hair and pulled me down to suck on it , while the other guy sat on the other end of the couch . After a few minutes he told me to follow him up to the guest room . In there he wanted me to suck his dick more , kneeling while he sat in a chair . He pulled off my shirt and bra . Then he told me to go call the other guy and tell him to come watch me . He said he wanted to see what he would do . I laughed and wouldn 't do it . He was persistent . He kept telling me to go call the guy . I shook my head no . He pulled my hair and got more insistent ( not mean , just demanding ) . He said he wanted him to watch , that he likes to share with his friends . As he later told me , its only his good friends and cousins , he says it 's like sharing a good piece of chocolate , you only want to give it to people you know and like . I walked out of the bedroom in a pair of shorts and no shirt or bra and asked the guy to come upstairs . He willingly followed ( ha ) . The Cousin wasn 't satisfied with me just inviting him in there . He wanted me to say " come watch me suck his dick " . I wasn 't cooperating . I basically kept laughing it off . He held my face and turned it towards the other guy and said " say it , don 't be shy " and I shook my head . He kept at it , until I said what he asked me to . Then he had me suck his dick some more and was demanding that I look the BOTH of them in the eyes while doing so . The other guy , at this point , was lying on the floor next to me and the chair that the Cousin was sitting in . Out of my peripheral vision I could see him stand up and start to unbutton his pants behind me . The Cousin pulled me off of him and turned my head towards the other guys dick , telling me to suck him too . I went ahead and did what he asked , though I wasn 't that thrilled about the second guy . He was alright . The Cousin wanted me to get on the bed and suck HIS dick again while the other guy fucked me from behind . He wore a condom ( everyone did ) and was having trouble performing / getting it up . It wasn 't really that exciting but the Cousin was hard as a rock and I still wanted to fuck him again . More so than the guy behind me . When he finally did start to fuck me it was 10 times better and I 'm sure my reaction showed that . He 's a little rough but good nevertheless . He kept fucking me , much longer and harder than the guy before . He pinned me down with my legs up over my head and wouldn 't let me move even when it was hurting me a bit . He wanted the other guy to put his dick in my mouth again but he didn 't . He was getting dressed to leave and go back home to his family , I guess . As he was getting ready to leave a car pulled up in front of the house and they could see out the window . They were trying to figure out who it was ( supposedly ) . Yeah , it was guy # 3 , someone I have fucked before , twice . Another one of the Host 's cousin 's . I wasn 't really keen on fucking him again , especially since the last time he and his other cousin had gotten too rough with me and tried to choke me on their dicks . I said I 'd have to go soon and the Cousin promised to finish up fast before the other guy came up to the room . But he didn 't . He kept going and going . It was pretty good actually but I wasn 't trying to fuck the other cousin . He came in the room and said " oh hi , its Lovergirl right ? " . Yeah . . he took off his clothes and got on the bed . They wanted me to suck his dick while the Cousin fucked me from behind . So I did . For what seemed like a very long time . My hair was a matted mess and it was hard to give a good blowjob while the other dude was pounding me , lol . I did what I could though . This cousin was also having erection issues . Maybe he really didn 't want to fuck me either , or could sense that I wasn 't that into him , IDK . He came on my face once but played it off like he hadn 't . The guy behind me was bossing me around and telling me to suck his dick so I think he didn 't want to let him know . So I had to suck his limp , already came , dick , back up again while I was being slammed from behind . It took a while . He started getting a bit impatient with the Cousin , who was fucking me this way and that . Like , come on man , give me a turn . He did but it didn 't last long , he had already cum and was still struggling with his erection . The Cousin got up and went in the other room to take a phone call , wanting me to suck this guy 's dick , but I started getting dressed . He apologized , saying he 'd worked several 12 hour days and was tired . Yeah , whatever . We made small talk and I was half dressed to go home when the Cousin showed up again . He was like wait ! I 'm not done with you yet ! I haven 't even busted a nut ! He shook his head at the other guy leaving and started to take my clothes back off , promising he 'd be done in " 5 minutes " . For the next half hour plus , we kept fucking . It was pretty good and he likes to talk a lot ( which I like ) but I wouldn 't promise to see him again when he kept asking . Then he started getting all obsessed with wanting to fuck my ass . He promised he wouldn 't do it this time but said next time for sure he is getting that ass . Uh … yeah , there goes another reason not to go back , lol . In fact , I still hurt a bit from his FINGER . Ugh … When it was over he asked me to choose " in your throat or on your face ? " I said on my face and he covered me like a glazed donut . He got a washcloth for me to wipe it off and walked me back down to the kitchen for a can of pop , after we got dressed . He walked me to my vehicle and hugged me goodbye , saying he definitely wants to see me again . I 'm thinking probably not … Aug11 So Mr . Firm is off in another state with his old buddies from college now . He had actually invited me to come along tonight , though I had some doubts as to whether or not that would work out . He mentioned it before we had sex and I said I would think about it and let him know afterwards , once we had met in person . While we were lying in bed talking , after orgasms , he brought it up again . At first I wasn 't sure . I don 't know anything about these men , have never so much as seen a picture , and didn 't know how much pressure I would be under to sleep with them . However , he said they were both attractive , both policemen and both able to get plenty of pussy on their own so there wouldn 't be any pressure if I didn 't want to play with them . I still wondered , because first of all this is their little male bonding trip , lol . I didn 't want to be tagging along like a ball and chain , though I didn 't say so out loud . He had all his golf clubs there with him at the hotel and was telling me all about their plans to go out at night . He mentioned that we could all go out to the club together that night and end up doing whatever afterwards . Either way , it 's a little over a 2 hour drive , so lots of gas money … . and time . Still , it was starting to sound tempting . I totally could see myself as the center of attention with 3 handsome , athletic men in a hotel room , haha . I know I 've said before that I was done with this kind of thing , due to experiences when I was younger , but I 'd be lying if I said there aren 't SOME things about it that are appealing . What mostly holds me back isn 't that it doesn 't sound hot , but fear . The fear isn 't anything about how I would experience the sex myself but about how THEY might view it , or treat me afterwards . I 've come across way too many men that see acts like this as degrading to a woman . If their attitude was positive , then great , it could be a lot of fun but if not , then I could be left feeling pretty awful , or even abandoned . Abandonment is a big issue for me and these guys both live a couple states away in different directions so unlikely I would see them again . Mr . Firm is pretty cool and I don 't get the feeling he 'd be that way at all . Still , the other guys , I know nothing about . Well , I know one is on the swinger site , and the other wants to be but isn 't yet . They are both in relationships ( no idea if swinging is " approved " by their significant others or not ) and were in Mr . Firm 's fraternity in college and played sports together . He says they had a bit of popularity due to having a great team and winning all the time , and got involved in some pretty crazy amounts of sex back then too . So they aren 't rookies or anything , lol , but they heard about swinging and his success on the site from Mr . Firm and thought it sounded fun . Still , knowing all that , it was sounding tempting to me , and I probably would have made the trip down there . In the end though , it was Mr . Firm 's decision that we 'd maybe be better off not and risking an awkward situation . I 'd told him that I couldn 't promise or guarantee that I would sleep with them until after meeting and wouldn 't want to ruin anyone 's fun if I got down there and didn 't want to do it . He totally understood and said the guys were law enforcement officers so wouldn 't want to make me uncomfortable in any way . Sigh … . I didn 't want to appear pushy or overeager in any way so I didn 't really let him know how likely I would probably have been to do it . A mistake ? Maybe . But then he may have just been using that as an excuse to not have me in the way of their going out and having guy time and I didn 't want to mess with that either . Or maybe his friends decided I was butt ugly and didn 't want to fuck with me , haha . Doubtful though , I don 't generally seem to have that issue with men . Could be they just weren 't into the group idea and wanted to find women for themselves , or already did last night , haha . I wouldn 't doubt that at all ! 😉 Part of me was thinking these guys are way too " nice " and disappointed that it didn 't work out . But at the same time , it may be for the best . Mr . Firm has made it pretty clear that he wants to see me again . He says he really wished it could have worked out and he didn 't mean with me just being with all them . I was like " Oh , I 'm not saying that couldn 't be fun , lmao , just can 't guarantee anything " … and I can 't , but still … it COULD have been fabulous . He commented on how much of a blast he had the other night and that he likes me even more because I am so easygoing . Blah … He 's been cool as a cucumber so far but now I wonder if I 'll ever have that kind of opportunity with him again . He 's probably put me into the " doesn 't do that sort of thing " category . Booo ! His attitude here at the end ( and maybe he was getting it from the other guys because he said they were talking about it ) was that he wouldn 't want to put me in an uncomfortable situation . Then he sort of acted like he thought it might be degrading towards me or something . Or , like he likes me too much now to want to share . Dammit ! It 's kind of like this guy who gave me the flowers and wants to get to " second base " . He looked at my cleavage when we were sitting on the couch together the other night and was like " I 'm going to be good " . I even made a comment about how he didn 't need to be but he never tried anything . Then afterwards he texted to say how bad he had wanted me ! ! He asked if I would have done anything with him and I said yeah , probably , and he freaked out ! My phone rang and it was him demanding to know WHY I would have done something with him that night ? ? I was like " why not ? ? " and he said he was kicking himself now . SMDH … . I hate it that men seem to think they need to treat me as innocent and sexually delicate . I really like it when a man gets more aggressive about things , though a lot of guys seem to confuse that with PUSHY , which I don 't like . I mean the two cops ? Come on , did they think I was going to cry rape after agreeing to sleep in a hotel room with 3 men ? Um , not unless I 'd blatantly told them NO and they kept pushing or something . Speaking of pushy , this young guy that I slept with last year keeps harassing me to see him tonight . His texting is driving me nuts . Just another reason I 'm not that into the younger guys . I told him sorry I couldn 't make it tonight and he just keeps pushing and pushing and asking why and saying he can come over and help me with whatever needs to get done . I don 't like dealing with the immaturity and even though he 's really cute I just don 't have the desire to fuck him . When I did it felt weird , like he was too wowed by my " older woman " skills or something , haha . He 's 13 years younger than me and it makes me feel a little bit creepy and awkward . I really need someone who can dominate me and it 's hard to get in that mental state with someone so young . Really , I just am not interested in seeing him right now . He wasn 't offering to take me anywhere and just wants to come to my house , which means extra cleaning and work that I don 't feel like doing tonight . I want a break and the Producer will be here at a hotel tomorrow so it 's not like I won 't be getting some more sex . So here I am writing my blog ! ! 😉 Hope all of you all are having a more exciting night than me ! ! Apr12 Fellow blogger and commenter Deep Explorations asked me a question and I felt it really deserved a blog post of it 's own . He wonders , after reading a post about my emotional reaction and feelings of abandonment when the Professor played with that married woman , why I would put myself through this ? " It does seem remarkable to me that for someone with sooo much trauma in your past that you should seek out an open relationship , but maybe it is that trauma that sends you that way ? " I feel I should mention here that I don 't know that I particularly sought out an OPEN relationship with the Professor . More , it seemed to fall in my lap . I met him on the swinger site , but I had only registered in order to be allowed to attend one party , to feed my curiosity after speaking with a guy I 'd had sex with twice and who was going to be there as well . I hadn 't even bothered to put up a photo on the website yet , just basic information about my height and weight and looks and that I was new at this . He sent me an email that I liked because he seemed sweet and respectful and of course I took a look at his pictures . From there we talked and I agreed to go out on a date . We had incredible sex and the next night a really fun time at My First Swinger Party . We both seemed to really like each other and the reason it developed into an OPEN thing is because that is what he wanted ! He was already seeing someone else , the married woman , and I didn 't know the details of all that at first because he acted more as though they were fuck buddies . I was playing the field at that time so it seemed like a good idea to be upfront and honest with each other about what we were doing . He asked that I tell him when I was going to play and vice versa and I 'm thinking GREAT , this guy is awesome ! I had a don 't ask / don 't tell style relationship with the guy I had the affair with and that worked for us because it helped keep out some of the jealousy problems ( some , not all ) but this idea of being up front was appealing . At the time I began seeing the Professor , the guy I had the affair with and I were still talking but things were starting to fade . So it followed that as I became more enamored with the Prof , contact between he and I dropped off and we were barely talking at all . Being more of an emotionally exclusive person myself , when I fall for someone , they are my main focus and anyone else would be just sex . I assumed it would be the same for him . The Professor , on the other hand , still had this woman in his life and when he bailed on me for three days the first time she came down to visit and I realized there was a serious emotional bond between them , rather than a fuck buddy sort of thing , I was hurt . I did not like the idea of being a secondary one bit and he swore up and down I wasn 't . Yet he had this relationship going on first and she was " in love " with him . Ouch . I 've mentioned all the stuff that happened in several blog posts so I don 't want to repeat . Now for the meat and bones , the second " part " of my answer . What lead me , ultimately , as someone who has had a lot of trauma in my life to get into things like swinging and a more open style of relationship ? Why did I ever think this would be okay ? Let 's delve here a little bit into my past . Some of this is stuff that I 've been reluctant to write about thus far because it has the potential to make even the most " open " blog readers to look down on me . For a long time I carried a lot of shame due to my lifestyle as a teenager , I 'd be lying if I said I 'm not still holding on to a little bit of it now . So please , try not to view me with too much disgust . I 've grown up and changed a whole lot since then . While I am not " proud " of my past and I realize that a lot of it came out of low self - esteem issues , I was also young and easily manipulated . I 'd grown up basically on my own , with unloving , neglectful and abusive " parents " and complete emotional abandonment . I don 't remember my mother even so much as hugging me as a kid and the touches I received were pretty much limited to physical abuse ( not sexual ) so I was STARVED for any kind of affection I could get . In any case I 'm not saying all this stuff was all that awful , I had a lot of fun in the process even if SOME of it was degrading . I did some stupid things and was very reckless in regards to things like " safer sex " but thank God for antibiotics ! When I look back though , as an adult , and think about the stuff we did , I realize that a lot of it wasn 't all that different from the swinger Lifestyle ! Like seriously , as kids we were like little swingers in training . Is it any wonder I 'd feel comfortable in that position now ? So let 's start back at the beginning . My first sexual relationship ( at 13 ) was with a guy I was dating . Normal , monogamous relationship , though he did end up in Juvenile detention for sexually harassing someone while we were going out . Nice . I think I 've mentioned somewhere on this blog that our first sex was in a hotel room we had broken into , next to someone else 's suitcases on the bed ! We had a lot of sex , and I even remember doing it in front of other guys from time to time . The second time was a random guy I met on the beach . Sex in the bushes outside in the canoe club . It was a one - time thing . After that I had a thing going on with a much older guy that never turned into actual sex because of my age but he went down on me a lot . I 'm pretty sure he was also involved with other girls . Okay , so from there I moved back home and in with my grandmother to go to high school . It was there that I met this girlfriend I will call " S " . S and I hit it off immediately . She was a biracial girl that was my exact same height and weight . We were both skinny little things lol , at 5 ' 6 " and 105 lbs . We had a LOT in common , though she was a tad more aggressive than me . She had a white mother and black stepfather ( just like me ) and we had little brothers with the same name and even the pictures on the wall in her home were some of the same ones as at my mother 's house . It was eerily weird . Not long after we started hanging out she brought me with her to this guy 's house . He actually wasn 't there , but in prison at the time . He 'd been tried as an adult for aiding in a bank robbery . There were several other guys , including his brother and cousin , there in his unfinished basement bedroom . This room had its own door and stairs leading down to it so you could come inside without having to bypass his mother and grandmother upstairs . It was really two rooms , a big room with a pool table and waterbed and bathroom and then another with a fold out couch and tv . There were doors at the top and bottom of the stairs , and between the two rooms . I came to know this place very well over the next couple of years . That night the guys started coming on to us and she had sex with one or more of them , I don 't remember who . We were in the dark on the bed , all of us together and I went along and fucked the cousin . Afterwards , they congratulated her and told her they knew she 'd be responsible for " turning me out " . At the time , I didn 't really even understand what they meant . She later told me she would go over there and sleep with all these guys because she felt it made her " more popular " , and I suppose it did to an extent , as I found out , but there were downsides as well . I continued to have sex with him occasionally but he lived out of town and we really didn 't communicate much unless he was there . So the next time we went over to visit it was someone else . Again , I don 't remember who she was fucking but for me it was a very handsome light skinned biracial guy with green eyes . So when he came on to me yeah , I wasn 't exactly complaining ! LOL He too , was from out of town . As good looking as he was the sex was a bit difficult due to his very large cock . Anyway , after that another boy who was over there often asked me out and I agreed . Really the only REASON I agreed was because I felt sorry for him . He wasn 't all that attractive and had messed up teeth . So I ended up sleeping with him too even though the other guys laughed about it . Since we were " going out " whenever someone else tried to get me in bed I said no , but that didn 't last long . The reason it didn 't last was because after I had sex with him for the 3rd or 4th time I was forcibly raped by another guy that was there . I don 't even know for sure who it was . The basement bedroom was pitch dark and he 'd run upstairs when some people showed up for a drug deal . I was still naked in the bed and someone else walked in , but I could only see his silhouette . For the purpose of this blog I 'm not going to detail that incident or those of the other rapes , but maybe another time when I can post a warning for those who don 't want to read it . I don 't want you to think I was terribly traumatized afterwards , but I did cry . I told some of the other guys who were there what happened and they speculated about who it was but basically told me to suck it up . They said no one would believe me if I tried to report it because I 'd been there having sex with guys already and the court wouldn 't care . Now , looking back I can see that I 'd only had sex with 3 different people there total and it doesn 't seem like a huge deal but this attitude made me feel pretty bad , like I was already being seen as a worthless slut . The guy I was seeing " broke up " with me because of the rape . Sometime after that I slept with a random guy I met on the street , who turned out to be almost twice my age and married and they ( some of the guys who hung out there ) found out about it . Of course this didn 't bode well for my reputation either . After that there was a completely unrelated guy from school that I dated for a bit and then a guy I 'd had a crush on for a long time . By this time , the guy who had been in prison had gotten out . It was a big deal and everyone was talking about it beforehand . " S " made an especially big deal out of this and told me I 'd really like HIM . He was definitely the " alpha male " of the group and the leader . I was never as impressed with him as she was , but we did get along . In fact I wrote another blog post , where I talk about him , called The Ghosts of Guys in the Past . The first night that I had sex with my crush ( who happened to be the brother of the guy I had the affair with - but that is another story ) Mr . Alpha Male was driving . I was sitting in the backseat with the Crush and another guy , who I would later become involved with , surprisingly . He was an ASSHOLE . The Crush was trying to be sweet and kissing me and the ASSHOLE didn 't think things were going fast enough . He grabbed him and was pulling him off of me , saying " Let me show you how to do this ! " running his hand up my leg . The Crush pushed him away and told him to back off a few times , but he was offering commentary and wouldn 't shut up . I so wanted to slap him ! In any case , we ended up having sex while several of the guys were sneaking into a club . We were talking afterwards and he asked how many people I 'd slept with up until that point . I said 8 ( him being the 9th ) and he seemed to think that was an okay number . His was 22 . I was surprised that a 15 year old had slept with that many people already and he said he started when he was 11 . I was elated , afterwards , because he and I had been flirty for quite some time and I was hoping it would go somewhere but what happened the next night changed all that . I was gang raped by 5 of them ( he wasn 't there ) in a park . It would have been 6 but the police showed up and everyone took off running ( except me , I rolled under a bush , grabbing my clothes and hid there while they were shining their spotlights around ) . Again , I don 't want to get in too much detail about the rapes for the purpose of this post but it was the Alpha Male ( who got me to willingly have sex with him ) followed by the ASSHOLE , who came and got on me afterwards and wouldn 't let me get up to get my clothes . Some of the other guys involved were over 21 and they all were on probation or had warrants for their arrest . They didn 't physically harm me in any way but I was left feeling sick emotionally . I hadn 't fought with them and basically just lay there , but they knew I was scared . One of the guys kept repeating " she 's scared I don 't want to do this " . A couple of the younger guys did come back and get me after the police left and we walked back home . When I talked about it later with " S " she said they had done the same thing to her and pulled trains on several girls . That night ruined the romantic aspect of the relationship between the Crush and I but we did continue to have sex occasionally . I 'd say it became more of a love / hate thing . The guys had talked about me as though I went along willingly and I was afraid to tell anyone , even S , the truth , though she may have figured as much . There was absolutely NO WAY I would have reported any of them to the police with all the risks that entailed . I wasn 't about to be a " snitch " . You may wonder why I continued to hang around these people and I really can 't give an answer to that because I don 't know myself . I was gang raped again soon after , by some of the same guys , starting again with the Alpha male and the Asshole . I continued to sleep with the both of them separately for quite some time and was involved in some other group sexual encounters with them and several more guys who would come and go from that basement room . Now that I 've been involved a bit in the swinger scene I can see the parallels . A lot of times we 'd all be down there and people were walking around naked , there would be porn on the tv , and lots of sex going on while others watched . Different females came and went but S and I were pretty much stable . Many times the guys involved had proper girlfriends and sometimes I didn 't even know about it until afterwards . At school , for the ones who were still there anyway , we sometimes acted like we barely knew one another . It was all underground , almost literally . While I had a reputation with certain people , many others , including several of my fairly close girlfriends , never had a clue . Sure people knew S and I hung out there because Alpha Male would sometimes pick us up in his car from school and he was well known . Still , most were not aware of the kinds of things that went on behind closed doors . At school I continued to get decent grades and have a relatively normal life in front of others , if being seen as a bit of a partier , but we all were ! There were times when we did crazy things , like basically played a game of Sexual Roulette . I can remember Alpha male calling out directions for us to switch partners and S and I having sex with like 4 different guys together . First she would be with him and I was with the Asshole ( who was really quite good in bed , if a total jerk ) , then she 'd be with guy C while I was with the Alpha Male and , then I 'm on guy C while she is doing guy D and so on . At one point she and I actually got into a contest to see who could sleep with the most people . I was winning for a while but then she had to drop out of the race due to getting pregnant . She still fucked around then but not as much . For me it ended when I started dating the older psycho - jealous - crazy dude that everyone was scared of . He forbade me to spend time around there and had enough influence to keep them away . I did continue on with some of the guys that were involved here , eventually , and even fell in love with one that had been involved with the gang rape . He was the one telling everyone I was scared and he didn 't want to do it ( but he went along anyway ) . In any case , we had a pretty good run until he broke my heart by trying to get me to have sex with these guys again , years later , when I was older and more willing to stand up for myself . It was the Alpha Male , the Asshole and a whole hotel room full of older guys actually , like 10 - 15 of them and I refused and someone stole my clothes and I was crying and begging him not to make me do it . Eventually it got to him and he put some of his own clothes on me and drove me home . I know this probably sounds awful and traumatic but really for the most part it wasn 't . Still emotionally , it was hard . I had a few boyfriends that came and went but mostly there was minimal emotional relationship and a lot of times I felt used . It 's really hard on my part to explain WHY I would continue to go there and I think a lot of it was just psychological plus a love of sex ! ! I can 't say I was " afraid " of any of theI know there is very low respect in general for females who are doing the whole crew so again , this tends to be something I rarely talk about . I don 't want to portray myself as a victim though , because the majority of this stuff was done willingly . Obviously , the rapes were not but they weren 't " that bad " either . No one was physically hurting me . It actually took me a long time to get to the point where I could even acknowledge that they actually WERE rapes ( discounting the gunpoint guy and the stranger ) . I did feel badly about having a train run on me though , because who can feel good about that ? Well , maybe women who fantasize about this in a swinger context ? That is soooo hard for me to understand , I guess due to the things that happened with me . There were a lot of FEMALES who were jealous of me . Many knew S and I hung out over there but weren 't really aware of the whole of what was going on . Still it got me into a couple of fights . Thankfully I usually had people to back me up and nothing serious came of any of it . To add to my " popularity " ( lol ) sometimes I was pulled in on drug deals as a cover . Like I would be at a party and a couple of guys would grab me and bring me in the bathroom so as not to look suspicious . I 'd be sitting on one of the guy 's laps while they did their business . Well , of course we all know what THAT looked like to outsiders . Some girls really resented me for stuff like this because I was let into rooms that they were locked out of and stuff and didn 't know what was going on . In any case , I couldn 't live this way forever and as I 've mentioned in previous posts I had a need to move on and do better for myself . After a run with the crazy , psycho ex , the guy who broke my heart and the platonic friend who I started having threesomes with , I went away to college and from there I met my ex husband . S didn 't know for sure that her baby belonged to Alpha Male until long after he was dead and gone . She kept on with some pretty crazy stuff though and had a child with another man who was murdered as well as with someone who abused her . Nowadays she seems to be doing better and her oldest kids anyway are doing great and never got into the kind of trouble we did . Anyhow , due to all this , I can 't say that for ME , monogamy seems like the default ! I really didn 't have a lot of it in my early days of having sex . Still , EMOTIONALLY I have a tendency to WANT that . So am I doing it because of being " damaged " ? Well , maybe to an extent but I also have seen so much cheating ( and sometimes from guys you 'd never guess it from and who weren 't getting into " trouble " otherwise ) that it is hard for me to believe it wouldn 't happen anyway , especially even when my preaching , low sex drive ex husband fell in love with someone else ! About Me Flashback : My First Swinger Party To bi or not to bi , is that the question ? On being a slut Are we done yet ? When men don 't want sex From the friend zone to the end zone ( and a little further ) Inspired by me ? ? I am so honored ! ! : D Pressure on dates . . . . ugghhh Comparing lovers Archives March 2016 |
Not many people that know me would think of me to be a person who would voluntarily choose to babysit . I didn 't grow up gushing over baby dolls and little kids . I didn 't ask mommy and daddy to have another brother or sister . I was content being the youngest and found little kids to be annoying . I did babysit here and there a few times , but only because my mother suggested it . It was a source of income for me since we didn 't get allowance like other kids my age . They always had money to go out to the movies or get snacks after being dropped of the bus . Not me . So I found a way to make money . Babysitting . Once I was of age to get working papers , I did . The only thing I could say I had experience in was watching kids so my first job was working at Gold 's Gym as the babysitter . It was awful . I had to watch any number of kids at one time and the ages could range from infant to preteen . Parents who came to work out would just drop off their kids and come back for them once they were done . I hated every second of that job . I didn 't get paid enough to put up with that many kids at one time . I usually had five or six at any given time , if not more . It did teach me a lot though . I was able to figure out how to multitask real fast with kids . I found out how to read kids and their emotions , and how to be smarter than them , fast . I went from working at Gold 's Gym to working at a ski shop . I had to get away from kids . The ski shop wasn 't enough money , as I needed to save up for college and by that time I was in high school , I needed money to do other things on the weekends . I decided to give the whole watching kids things a shot again . I paired up with a friend from high school and we provided daycare at my church during the service . There were two of us and we only had 2 kids tops most of the Sundays that we worked . Definitely more manageable and the kids were also well behaved . From there , I bounced over to The Container Store . It pays so well that I was able to just work there . No kids necessary . That was , until we wanted to buy a house . I started watching a little boy , Buster . I have talked about him before in posts . He was a wonderful kid to look after . I really enjoyed it . Now , that he 's in school , and we 've bought the house . I was in desperate need of more money . I joined Care . com and found a family . It has been a complete nightmare . I 've been with them for just about a year now . I have over a hundred different stories that I could share , but I 'll stick with the one from 2 days ago . Now remember , this a typical , normal day for this house . 3 : 50pm The twin 12 year old girls arrive home from middle school . They 've just gotten a puppy for their birthday and Angelica takes her outside to play with her . Desdemona fed and cleaned the litterbox for their cat . 4 : 15pm The tutor , Dydo , arrives . She gives them a small speech on how to behave around us and what is expected of them . Then asks that they begin working on their homework . They both have the same homework so we could all do it together . Angelica automatically gets her homework out and is working on it . Desdemona brings out her laptop . The arguing begins . Dydo tells her to put it away and to take out sheets of paper . Desdemona doesn 't listen and continues to play on her laptop . 4 : 40pm Angelica is done with Science homework and the homework session ends with the both of them . Dydo and Angelica go inside to finish homework and Desdemona is left to work on her chores with me . I tell Desdemona to go take her clothes out for the next day and then shower . 4 : 50pm Desdemona has her clothes picked out , but she is refusing take a shower . I told her a total of 12 times to get in the shower , at this point . Remember she is 12 years old . 5 : 11pm The shower is turned off and she gets out . I told her to get back in the shower and to actually shower . She wasn 't fooling anyone by that act . I told her she could come out when she had actually washed herself and her hair . 5 : 45pm Angelica has finished her homework and now needs to shower . Desdemona comes out of the shower to let Angelica in . However , she is still not showered . Dydo then argues with Desdemona to go start homework . 6 : 10pm The mother arrives home and I speak to her about Desdemona and her behavior . The mother quickly places blame on me and Dydo saying we need to change our behavior to get her to do what she needs to do . I speak up saying that it is not my behavior that needs to change , as I am the adult and the child is the one that needs to listen . The mother then says that we will let Desdemona not do what she is asked to do and we will film it and the teachers can then see what we deal with and they can decide what will be done . ( Again , passing the job on to someone else ) . 6 : 30pm The mother leaves again to go for a walk , has me make dinner for the girls and tells Desdemona to work with Dydo . Dydo then writes an email to the teacher explaining that Desdemona doesn 't want to do work , Desdemona flips out . She screams at the top of her lungs . Throws her books all over the room and takes off running , out of the house and down the street . This is a small insight to what I deal with , and this doesn 't even give it justice . I wish I could post the videos I have of Desdemona and her tantrums . I feel bad for Angelica who is a wonderful kid and deserves all the best , but she is being overshadowed by her crazy sister who desperately needs help . I feel like I am still with the family because in some small way I feel like I will be able to help them . I think I am slowly coming to the realization that , I won 't be able to help any of them . Not even in the slightest bit . Quote of the Day : " You can try your hardest , you can do everything and say everything , but sometimes people just aren 't worth trying over anymore . . . they aren 't worth worrying about . It 's important to know when to let go of someone who only brings you down . " We 've survived a week of Chancho 's midnights . It 's weird . It 's messed up my routine . It 's been a rough week . Chancho seems to be adjusting just nicely as he is back to his life of sleep . I think that bother 's me the most . He doesn 't do anything else , but sleep now . He is home by 9am and quickly falls into a deep sleep , not to be woken again until 5pm . He then leaves for work around 9 : 30pm . He does do a wonderful job of cooking dinner for us before I get home . I know it 's just been one week and the body doesn 't adjust that quickly , but this is a flashback to his other shift and how he always just slept . It irritated the crap out of me . I also think , it coincides with the horrible week that I have had . I am back into the full swing of things with work . ( 5am - 2pm ) I am trying very hard to become full time and have been putting out every effort to do so , only to be pushed back down and told to try harder . There are only so many times a girl can get kicked down before not getting back up . My review will be in 2 weeks . We 'll see then , what happens . I am also back to babysitting the kids from a nightmare producing movie . ( 2 : 30pm - 7 : 30pm ) When I watch them , all of my energy is sucked out of me and I become very angry at the world . The mother has just hired a new tutor to work with them every day and that has added some tension to the mix as well . At least , I 'm still kicking , we 're still married and I have a honeymoon to look forward to . I spent today shopping for the cruise and taking a me day . To recuperate from the stressful week . I 've regained a positive energy and am ready to tackle another week . Quote of the Day : " Love , being in love , isn 't a constant thing . It doesn 't always flow at the same strength . It 's not always like a river in flood . It 's more like the sea . It has tides , it ebbs and flows . The thing is , when love is real , whether it 's ebbing or flowing , it 's always there , it never goes away . And that 's the only proof you can have that it is real , and not just a crush or an infatuation or a passing fancy . " - Aidan Chambers I am Gloria 's Granddaughter Yesterday marked the year anniversary of my grandmother 's passing . My family had a memorial for her , but I had to work so I got someone to switch with me in morning so I could take some time to go to the cemetery . I got up early , made a cup of coffee and headed out . It was a chilly , gray morning with lots of clouds covering the sky . It matched my mood . I switched on the radio and tried to keep my thoughts positive as I drove the 30 minute drive to the cemetery . By the time I got there , it had started to drizzle and my eyes had begun to fill with tears . There was an older couple there walking the small cemetery reading gravestones and commenting on the plants left by loved ones . I noticed they had Florida plates . I sat for a minute in the car before heading out to the grave site . I looked out towards the mountain remembering the day we buried Nan . It was such a bright day , a much more peaceful day , than it was at that moment . I got decided I had to get out and go see my grandparents . I walked through the moist grass filled with the morning rain and stopped in front of their grave . Black Eyed Susan 's were flowering and the American flag was moving in the wind . I knelt down to wipe off some dead grass cuttings and I let my tears flow . A few moments passed and I pulled out the two poems I had written . One was written soon after Nan had passed away , but never fully finished until that morning . I placed them both into a plastic envelope and placed it on the gravestone , held down by two reeses peanut butter cups . I scribbled a little note to my family , as I knew they would see it when they arrived later in the day . I said a few words and as the rain fell harder , I walked slowly back to the car . It has been a full year , but the hurt is still there . It 's in a different way now , mostly sadness in the life that my grandmother has missed out on . It has been a big year for our family and I know that she would have been exceptionally proud of us all if she could have been here . I hope that she is looking down with a huge smile saying " that 's my family " . Chancho began his new job today . He headed out early this morning with his new commute and found himself in new territory . He did have a fellow newbie with him so it wasn 't completely lonely . They were called in to the bosses office and asked which shift they would like - daytours or midnights - The other guy needed daytours as he was having childcare issues . So that left Chancho with midnights . I knew this was a possibility , but I was really hoping that he wouldn 't get it . Midnights consist of him leaving the house around 10pm - ish to start and not getting home until about 9am - ish . He has never really worked this shift before . The closest shift was when he was working impact , he got out 2am . I 'm not really sure how this new shift is going to effect us . All I know is that when he was working nights , he was always sleeping . He never had any energy to do something during the day . I 'm hoping that with the complete switch that he will have the time to sleep in most of the morning to get up in the late afternoon to be up when I get home . Otherwise , we will be ships passing in the night again . I keep reminding myself that this is probably the best time for him to work this as it 's just us and we don 't have a family yet . It 's going to be interesting to see how , being newly married , our relationship deals with this transition . Wish us luck as we enter in to this new journey ! Today , I 'm ready for wherever this takes us . Quote of the Day : " I believe we write our own stories and each time we think we know the end , we don 't . Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning , of chance and in the peace that comes from knowing that you just can 't know it all . Life 's funny that way . . . once you let go of the wheel , you might end up right where you belong . " - Little Black Book Chancho is officially an NYPD Sergeant . Yesterday , the memo came down and he was given his new precinct , or um , 2 precincts . He was given a Housing Bureau . Which means he is in between two precincts covering the housing developments . It is a Police Serving Area . So he is part of PSA _ . There are several different numbers assigned to the PSA 's . So PSA 7 or PSA 11 , instead of saying he is from the 50th Precinct , he 'll say he is from PSA _ . Essentially , these housing developments are known to have high crime rates and are considered the projects . This is why they have their own police force within the precincts . When Chancho was talking about where he would want to go , not that he is given a choice , but if he did have one , he said he would like to go to Manhattan South . The least likely place he would like to go ? PSA . He is not very happy about this transfer and is already talking about the next test so he can get out . From what I 've heard , I 'm not thrilled either . Like I 've said before , we were both extremely spoiled with his last position . Even though he was a domestic violence officer and that is considered to be one of the most dangerous positions , he was behind a desk for the majority of the time . I knew where he was and that he was safe . My mind was usually always at ease , expect for those few times he would be out doing home visits . Now , he will be out on the streets all the time . When we first started dating he was out on the streets and those feelings have returned . The uneasiness . He hasn 't even started his first shift and already my stomach is in knots . I can recall all of the crazy stories he would share with me over the phone at 1am as he was getting home and I would sigh a relief each and every time that he was heading home safely . I did it before , I can do it again . Today was the promotion ceremony at 1 police plaza . It was quick and to the point . I had a good time . They provided the promotee 's and families with free food and drinks before hand and the ceremony was only an hour . Actually , it was probably less than that because we were out on the sidewalk by 3pm and it started at 2pm . This weekend we 'll be having a BBQ to celebrate all of his hard work and have one last hoorah before he starts his new position . Lots of family and friends will be joining . Couple of pictures from today 's event : NYPD marching band , which played while we waited . Commissioner Kelly giving his speech . All 76 Sergeants being sworn in . Had to place their plaques under their seats when they returned . Taking things back to April 14th . . . We were able to squeeze in some engagement pictures with our fabulous photographer Chris Volpe . Since Chancho proposed to me at Yankee Stadium , I really wanted our engagement photos to reflect that . I wanted to get pictures taken at a baseball stadium , perferrably Yankee Stadium , but once I looked into how expensive that was , we couldn 't do it . We definitely put that thought out there for a month going back and forth about how it would be a once in a life time opportunity to have the stadium to ourselves and we could never get that again , but reality knocked on the door and we said we couldn 't spend over $ 2000 for a photo shoot . So I spoke to Chris and and asked him if he knew of any cool stadiums that we could take pictures at . He loved the idea and automatically suggested we take our pictures at Yale Field , in Connecticut . He has connections there as he is always taking pictures for the school . The date was set and I was beyond excited to have these pictures done . The morning of the pictures we got a phone call from Chris saying that there might be a slight problem . There was going to be a double header that day between Yale & Harvard . We might not have access to the stadium . I sure as hell was not going to postpone the pictures or settle for a different venue . I stuck my ground and said we 'll go and do what we can . I was hoping someone would have a weakness for love and still let us on the field . When we showed up the teams were already in uniform and roaming the field , but Chris had gotten there before us and was able to speak to someone . The man did have a weakness for love ! He gave us the okay to take pictures on the field until the team was ready to start warmups . So thus began our wonderful photo shoot . We were there for about 2 hours . I was in heaven . It turned out to be a perfect day weather wise , we couldn 't have gotten anything better . You know how you try and get a hold of your husband or other person you love while they 're at work and then they don 't answer you in a suitable time frame ? Well , that happened to me today . I had my lunch break at 10 : 30am and as I was going through my usual routine of checking the social networking sites , I read the news about the shooting in front of the Empire State Building . I cringed and ran a few thoughts quickly through my head . Chancho is in training right now . Does that mean he will be out of harms way ? Does that mean they will take this opportunity to give him a " hands on " training day ? How close is he to the Empire State Building and what would the real possibility be that they would send him to the seen ? I quickly sent him a text . I got back to the break room and ate my lunch . Every so often checking my phone , even though it was sitting there on the table . It was close to an hour later and still no response back from Chancho . My fears were starting to creep up in my head . I kept saying over and over that there wasn 't anything wrong , trying to win over the negative thoughts . However , there was the main thought that all through out training he has always responded back right away . It didn 't help that the discussion at the break room table was all about the shootings . One coworker was giving up to the minute details on what was happening , even playing a video from an eye witness . Of course I scanned all the faces in the video , but no Chancho . A disgruntled employee decided he needed to shoot a coworker and then turn the gun on innocent people . I went back to work with still no word . Around 12 : 30ish I got a text saying he was sorry he didn 't answer , but the Lt was teaching a lesson and he couldn 't respond . The wave of relief washed over me knowing that he was okay . My mind was at peace . But then it quickly rushed into a panic of hoping every other cop was okay . Luckily , out of all the horrific nonsense that happened this morning , no NYPD were killed . My thoughts and prayers go out to the family and friends of those who were injured or killed . My heart aches as I hear of these stories . Quote of the Day : " An hour , one hour , can change everything forever . An hour can save your life . An hour can change your life . Sometimes an hour is a gift we give ourselves . For some , an hour can mean almost nothing . For others , an hour makes all the difference in the world . But in the end , it 's still just an hour . One of many . Many more to come . Sixty minutes . Thirty - six hundred seconds . That 's it . Then it starts all over again . And who knows what the next hour might hold . " - Grey 's Anatomy Scribbled by Wow ! I am married . I am a cop 's wife . July 7th became the happiest day of my life so far . We were surrounded by family and friends who were just as happy to be there and to help us celebrate . All the worries and crazy nightmares all came to a halt that morning . It went as smoothly as a wedding could go . We are thrilled with how it all turned out . I can 't stop looking at the pictures and reliving all of the moments . We haven 't received our photographer 's pictures yet ( still anxiously waiting for those to arrive in September ) so the guest pictures will have to do . And let me tell you , I have never felt more involved with a Police Officer more than I do now . Chancho took the Sergeants test wayyyy back in October of 2011 . The results came back and he passed . He passed with flying colors ( in my eyes at least ) . The NYPD started promoting people off of the list in January of 2012 . Apparently , you don 't just get picked off of the list based on your score . There are some things they take into consideration , such as , your score , college credits , open investigations , seniority and so on . So basically , even if you scored a perfect score and you don 't have enough college credits or you have an open investigation against you , you aren 't being picked . So Chancho had to wait his turn for the numbers to be gone through to get to him . He was number 292 out of 1650 people . He didn 't have to wait long before his list number was picked . He got the notification on August 4th . He 's been in the academy training for this entire month . He has to get all of his uniforms changed . He now has to have the chevrons put onto all of his shirts and a new stripe on his pants . He also has to switch out his badges to a Sergeants badge and that includes a new hat . And of course that means new boots and a new bag to hold all of his items because god forbid he gets caught carrying around his bag from the academy when he first started ! I am currently trying to find a new mini shield wallet for a woman . Most frustrating thing to find . I saw a fellow cop wife who had one , but can 't seem to find it anywhere . I have never been surrounded by all of his police stuff . He had 3 lockers at work . It all stayed there . Our guest bedroom aka Tommy 's room , is filled with all of his stuff . It is just overwhelming . But I am so intrigued by it all at the same time . I finally am able to see the items he 's talked about and finally understand why it 's so heavy or itchy . He was set to graduate on August 31st , but as predictable as the NYPD is , it was changed . I have a party planned for his graduation for family and friends , which I am super excited about . Not only do we get to celebrate this wonderful promotion , but it is also our first party as a married couple . As excited as I am to have him become a Sergeant , I must say that I am a bit nervous as to how this is going to effect us . I have been incredibly lucky with his schedule as a Domestic Violence Officer . He was able to make his own schedule AND he had Fridays and Saturdays off . HEAVEN ! Now , he will be transferred from his precinct , which means it will be further commute and he will not be on a schedule ( most likely ) that is convenient for any human . I was so spoiled . I knew it had to end , and I have to look at the bright side , that he is getting this part out of the way now , when we don 't have kids . We will be able to deal with a crazy schedule now , when it 's just the 2 of us and Tommy . That 's us in a nutshell for now . We have a new laptop FINALLY . I hope to get back into the swing of writing . We 'll see how it goes . " You can 't cling to the side your whole life . If you don 't want to sink , you better figure out how to swim . " - Jeannette Walls , The Glass Castle The computer broke . I pulled it out of the case to plug it i was and the prong was pushed all the way in so i can no longer charge it . So back to the faithful smartphone . Chancho is back to work after his 2 weeks of sick leave . He couldn 't be happier . He was bored at home playing MLB 2012 by himself . I didn 't get much time with him , as my schedule has been crazier than ever now . Which is probably why i am feeling so overwhelmed with wedding stuff . Nothing crazy needs to be done , but enough , to wrack my brain into " omg i cant do this " . I 'm disappointed in myself though because I 've been doing so well with the planning and not being stressed that , i think i should have a handle on it . Here 's a picture of our lovely Tommy the tomato . I 'll have to do a post on all of his shenanigans later . Published with Blogger - droid v2 . 0 . 4 Yeah , I know . September was the last post . Yikes . I guess I 'll do a quick , as quick as I can , recap of all the major events . Chancho was involved in a terrible accident . The freak snow storm which knocked the power out for a week and forced us to use our fireplace for the first time was the cause . Chancho still needed to go in to work , which was the reason behind why he was on the hazardous roads . He hit a spot of black ice and the rest was history . His car was declared totaled . We were without a car and out money to buy a new one . Thankfully , he wasn 't injured and everyone involved made it out alive . I think it was an eye opener for how dangerous it can be and how you may think you have control , but in reality , a car is a machine that can have a mind of it 's own . A small group of us , decided it was time to bury my grandmother , next to her husband . We took a trip to the cemetery one Wed . It was a beautiful fall day . The sun was shining and the air was crisp . My aunt played a few songs from her boom box and a few words were shared along with a few tears . As we were preparing to leave , we noticed a hawk was flying above us over the mountain that was next to the cemetery . My aunt said that when we buried my grandfather , she noticed the same thing . Chancho took his Sergeants test . He thinks he did well . Only time will tell . I served my first Thanksgiving dinner . It was just for my dad , and Chancho showed up after , but it was still a great time . I managed to cook the turkey too soon , but everything else turned out great . I was getting the house ready for dinner and as I was bringing the folding table up from the basement I smashed my head on the ceiling . I could feel the pain ringing through my spine . I shook it off and continued to have a wonderful night . The following night , however , the swelling from the bump on my head took it 's toll . I woke up in excruciating pain . It felt like I had a charlie horse in my neck . I was yelling and crying from the pain . I couldn 't move my neck . Chancho woke up and wanted to take me to the hospital . ( I don 't do doctors ) I had him grab a warm washcloth and I placed it on my neck to ease the pain . I also loaded up on Tylenol . I was down and out for a good 4 days . Christmas was interesting this year . I baked my presents as we were very short on cash . The wedding plans have really drained our bank accounts . I made about 10 batches of magic cookie bars . Christmas on Long Island was the last in my Grandmother 's house . She had placed it on the market . I 've been going to this house my entire life . It was the house my mother grew up in and her father built . Everyone was able to make it and by the end of the night , after a few too many glasses eggnog , my cousin began to cry , realizing this was the last Christmas . End of a era . Christmas for my father 's side was extremely difficult . The first holiday is always rough . A few too many drinks were had by all , but it was a great Christmas to be surrounded by family . My aunt received a car . Yes , just like on those commercials that you think to yourself " Who does that ? No one gives a car for a Christmas present . " We all trekked outside to the garage and once it was opened , there was a brand new car saying Merry Christmas ! ! Christmas for our immediate family was difficult in a different way . We couldn 't find a day that worked with every one 's schedule . So we celebrated a few days after the fact . We all got what we wanted and more . This is a Christmas I 'll never forget , as it was the Christmas that my parents gave us all our inheritance from my grandmother . We were all under the impression that we used all of her money to keep her comfortable and happy up until the end . But we each received a red envelope with a card stating that the check enclosed was from Nan . That now that she was gone , this money would be for all of the birthdays and holidays that she would have given us money for . So we are to think of her during those times . It was just what we all needed . My sister just bought a house , we have the wedding and my brother is expecting twins . We rescued a kitten from the freezing cold . Named him Tommy because Chancho found him in a tomato plant . Tommy the Tomato . He is a rascal . I am having trouble dealing with his naughtiness . January : Chancho surprised me again on New Years . He said he was working , but showed up to the party and I got a New Years kiss . The last one I 'm sure for many years as , he most likely won 't have the day off again . I became an aunt on January 17th ! 2 months early EM & EW arrived in this world ! My sister - in - law 's water broke for the girl ( EM ) , but the boy ( EW ) was stubborn refusing to come out . She wound up having a c - section . Everyone did very well . It was a little touch and go for the twins while they were in the NICU , but they pulled through just fine . After about 3 weeks in the hospital they were able to go home . February : Valentine 's day Chancho took me to Peter Luger in the city for a wonderful , delicious , steak dinner . And now : Things are going . We have wireless , which makes this blogging thing so much easier now . I can sit on the couch in comfort and be in the flow of things . Wedding plans are rapidly wrapping up and I am quickly feeling like this wedding will be here before I know it ( 4 months away ) . I have a ton of posts saved up . I just have to get to it . Glad to be back ! Photography is a passion of mine , I can 't take enough pictures . The beach is where I belong . Camping is a hidden favorite of mine , as well as curling up with a good book . The New York Yankees dominate my life from April until ( fingers crossed ) November . Oh and married to a NYPD Sergeant . |
On Monday , November 3 of last year a fire broke out at a group home for people struggling with mental health , disability and addiction issues . One man , 72 - year - old David MacPherson died and between 20 and 30 residents ( depending on who you ask or what you read on what day ) were left homeless . The breathless news reports come fast and furious from The London Free Press . At the centre of the spectacle was soon - to - be London 's most infamous bad guy , Keith Charles . He ran the group home and a few others like it under the auspices of an organization called People Helping People . Keith Charles says he founded the organization ten years ago , but he can 't remember for sure and gives a different number almost every time you ask him . I soon discover this is typical of him . Trying to get a fact out of him is like trying to grab hold of a blob of mercury . I wouldn 't call Charles a liar , but he would make a terrible historian . Charles is 54 years of age , an immigrant from British Guyana , and is a proud survivor of both mental health issues and addictions . People Helping People is billed as a peer support system where everyone involved has been affected in some way by mental health or addiction issues , or both . It is neither an incorporated business nor a registered charity . But it is how Keith Charles makes his living . Depending on who you ask , Charles is either the devil incarnate or some kind of saint . Some people tried to brand him in the press as a slick shyster only looking out for his own interests . Others sang his praises . Anyone who spends time with him can easily see the slick part ; he has a certain folksy charm that puts people at ease . It also didn 't take me long to experience his manipulative side . It would take me a considerable while longer to realize what this part of him was really all about . Reading the reports from the Free Press was an odd experience . Their coverage had a kind of bi - polar quality to it . One day they seemed to be painting a picture of a con man preying on the vulnerable . The next , every official under the sun seemed to be expressing their surprise that such huge gaps in the system existed in our picturesque city and were promising to do everything possible to help these poor marginalized people . The occasional quote from someone who supported Charles was tossed in to balance things out . Things weren 't adding up . Right out of the gate with their very first story , the official ass - covering began . That first report began : " Fire crews were on their way Monday to inspect an apartment building for the fifth time in five days when a fire broke out in the three storey walk - up . . . " The article continued with a quote from deputy fire chief Gary Bridge . " We 've taken this building very seriously . The concerns aren 't violations necessarily that would ignite a fire but we need to make sure if one does start , ( residents ) can get out " . After the fire , they had some time for reflection . " We had some discussion about should we have done it ( closed the building ) two weeks ago ? " Bridge told the Free Press . They had considered getting an order from the Fire Marshal to shut the place down , but out of concern for the fact that these " vulnerable " people had nowhere to go , they decided to move slowly . The same day the paper filed another story reporting how numerous agencies had been tracking the building . Officials claimed that only recently had they heard complaints that the building was being run as an unlicensed , " dangerous " and crowded group home . Prior to that , they said , it was just garden - variety complaints . Coincidentally , the article reported , " Health unit officials were about to hold a meeting Monday to discuss problems at the building when the fire broke out . " The words " illegal " and " unregulated " frequently peppered news reports to describe the group home , fueling a sense of urgency about this new boogeyman Keith Charles . Authorities had been prepared to act , but not yet . Everyone was just about to do something drastic . And to drive the point home , it was time to ramp up the panic with a show . Soon another story announced the dramatic news with this opening line : " Firefighters swooped down Thursday on another unregulated home operated by Keith Charles , issuing what 's called an ' immediate threat to life order ' for fire code violations . . . " The infractions weren 't as severe as the order might suggest . There were too few smoke detectors , a couple of holes in the interior walls , and someone sleeping in the basement . Deputy fire chief Gary Bridge was ready to comment once again . " Essentially , where ( the basement tenant ) was living was not a suitable place for anybody to be living . " What he didn 't say was that save for the fact that it was a dingy , musty , unfinished basement , it was a typical basement with a stairway leading directly to the rear door . In evidence that would surface later , a Crown brief contained a statement from one of the fire inspectors saying : " A male tenant was allowed to occupy the unfinished room in the basement with only a mattress to lay on , though not a specific fire code violation it demonstrates the inadequate living conditions that existed . " The fact that someone was sleeping in such a depressing environment seemed to bother them more than any imminent threat to life , but that 's not how it sounded in the press reports . But the fire department was now " on high alert " and had been blitzing buildings on their " radar " since the day of the fire . What Charles would later claim bothered him the most about the " show " was the fact that there was a television crew from the local TV station there to capture the drama . The fire department shut the house down and stationed a security guard at the door while workers they summoned brought the house up to code and the bed was removed from the basement . After only a few hours , everything was up to snuff , the TV reporter was long gone , and everyone was allowed back in . The bill for repairs was handed to Charles , who passed it along to the owner . The burnt out building was ordered shuttered by the fire department until repairs could be made and the place brought back up to code . Kind of unnecessary , since everyone had already been displaced and scattered throughout the city and there were no immediate plans for either restoring the building or having anyone return . Charles was slapped with a number of charges under the fire prevention act . The province was opening the new Parkwood Institute in the city that week , the just completed long - term care facility for the mentally ill . Everyone who was anyone with a stake in the happy news of the shiny new facility was there . Despite all the fanfare , no one seemed keen to point out the new hospital had fewer beds than the old one and cuts to and problems with the system were ongoing . What they all did , though , was express their shock and horror at recent events , claiming all this came as a big surprise to everyone . London NDP MPP Teresa Armstrong said , " Londoners are shocked that those with disabilities , addictions and mental health problems have to choose between being homeless or living in unsafe housing " . Deputy Premier and London MPP Deb Matthews said housing for these people was the government 's top priority . " This story is shedding a light on part of our community that hasn 't had the attention that it should have had , " she told the Free Press . " I 'm determined to do everything we can do to make sure people living with mental health and addiction issues are housed properly . " In fact , that light had been shining bright for the last couple of years with story after story about the crisis the mental health system in London was facing . But now I want to tell you about the Keith Charles that I got to know and what People Helping People means in the real world . I didn 't have to sell myself to Charles at all . He was sure I was the guy to do the story right , without knowing anything about me . That was probably for the best , because I didn 't actually have a sales pitch prepared for him . I had no idea what " the story " was about , I just had a gut feeling something wasn 't right . The original plan was to make a television documentary . So I showed up at the Charles group home with my camera and gear . Not only was Charles ready to go , so were the residents of the home . I was introduced as some guy from the university making a " biography " of People Helping People . It was nearing dinnertime and Charles was preparing the evening 's meal . I turned on the camera and tried to interview him as he cooked . He was quite honest about his troubles . He had been a drug addict and an alcoholic with mental health issues . He had been in jail and " lost everything " and lived in homeless shelters for a time . The environment was quite noisy . The television was up loud and many people were talking at once , trying to get my attention . Many of them had no teeth and were borderline unintelligible when they spoke ; all those missing teeth made for a constant stream of indiscernible noise . It was stressing me out . I made an excuse to leave and cut the day short . A few days later Charles called and asked if I was ready to come by again . He picked me up in his beat up , brown 2004 mini - van . I opened the door and a tsunami of junk started pouring out - old coffee cups used as ashtrays , food wrappers , cigarette packages , every kind of paper and packaging you could imagine . There was nowhere for me to sit until he scooped up a pile of crap and threw it in the back seat . As we started to drive away , the motor was making this clunking sound and I could see the engine light was on . He asked me to take a pen and piece of paper and write down the address he was going to play for me from his voicemail messages . There were all kinds of people calling from hospitals , shelters , rehabs , and a collection agency about an overdue payday loan he had taken out . Then he got to the one he wanted . It was some guy telling him the address where he could pick up a sofa he wanted to donate . Without asking , I had been recruited as his moving man . I would have said yes if he had asked . But this was that manipulative side of Charles I mentioned before . He told me to help him heave it on top of the van and he would tie it down with the ' rope ' he bought . It was more like thread and I thought the thing would never hold . " Don 't worry about it , " he told me , " I 've done this before . " As we started to drive away , Charles began talking in a very animated and enthusiastic kind of way . He wasn 't paying attention to his driving to begin with , then he got on that phone again . He was calling ahead to the house to try to get a couple of guys to remove the old couch . No one wanted to help . They were all like children , he told me ; they wouldn 't do anything without an incentive . Two of the men were promised five dollars each if the thing was gone by the time we got there . Charles told me the furniture in the second house needed to be replaced because it was infested with bed bugs , a problem he was constantly struggling with . This was my first visit to the second house . It was just two doors down and all three of the houses in the row were owned by this old lady who was the landlord to the tenants of the group homes . As the boys handled the sofa , Charles took me around the back way . Standing out there was this rather large young man with glossy pink eyes . Charles and I both knew what that meant . Charles explained that Tony has a serious drug problem - the hard stuff - crack and crystal meth , mostly . He 's also schizophrenic with a history of violence . Charles ' preference is for zero drug use , but in this case he was trying to do harm reduction by keeping it to marijuana . This didn 't sound good to me . I know enough to know that psychosis and drugs don 't mix . Add a person with a volatile temper and you have a recipe for disaster , which is exactly what had already happened . Charles gave me his full name and told me to look him up in the papers . We entered through the rear door and my senses were immediately overloaded . I was instantly accosted by this yappy little dog who got in my face and wouldn 't stop barking and snarling at me . The television was blaring as well as loud stereos in some of the bedrooms and several people in the common area who all wanted a piece of Charles . Some wanted their meds . Others wanted to know when dinner was coming . Some wanted cigarettes . He handled them like a pro , speaking calmly to one person at a time . I , on the other hand , wasn 't so calm . This bedlam was getting to me . I did my best to stay focused . I was there to observe . The kitchen , dining room and living room could only charitably be described as a dump . But it was clean . There were no dishes or garbage piled up . But the air was thick with cigarette smoke despite the fact that no smoking signs are plastered everywhere . It 's a duplex with four bedrooms , three on the main floor and one on the second floor , each as messy and cluttered as the next . It looked like a bunch of teenagers had been running amok with their parents on vacation . " I 'm only responsible for the main part of the house , " he told me . " Their rooms are their own and I can 't help it if they want to live like pigs . " Fair enough . Nobody tells me to pick up my socks in my place , either . He then showed me the basement - unfinished , dark and dreary beyond imagination . One guy lives down there and sleeps on an old couch . This is what seemed to offend the fire department so much when they said it was no place for a person to be living . But the guy who lived there considered it a palace compared to a cardboard box on the street . Charles said we should go to the other house so he could start dinner . He stopped me en route and suggested we have a smoke and talk . My aggressive approach the other day rattled him . He was worried about what I would say in any work I produced . He 'd found it hard to endure all the bad press . He was particularly concerned about his kids and didn 't want to embarrass them further . This I understood . But then out came Keith Charles the boss . I got a precise outline of all the points he wanted me to make and what he didn 't want to see . Then he said he was nervous and maybe he should back out . I explained I had no idea what I was going to say because I don 't know enough yet to form any clear opinions . I tried to reassure him that no matter what , I 'd be fair . This wasn 't enough to calm him down and he needed to vent for a good half hour while I stood outside in the frigid cold freezing my butt off so he could feel better . This became something of a routine for my next few visits . The first house is nicer than the second house . It 's brighter , has nicer furniture and is a bit calmer . Again , the common areas and kitchen are clean and tidy . He offered to take me through the place . Karen was sitting in the living room with her husband Brian and overheard us talking . She wouldn 't let him show me their room because it was a mess . He politely agreed , but then snuck me in anyway . It was a mess . But three of the four bedrooms were neat , if stark in their bareness . Two of the beds had neither sheets nor pillows . Then we went to the basement . Again , it was unfinished and depressing . There were three beds in one large room where three of the male residents all slept . It wasn 't dirty , but it was messy . Charles took me to the storage room in the back , which was full of junk piled up half way to the ceiling . He said it 's all basically garbage , but these people have few belongings and this stuff is important to them . Charles told me it was Karen and Brian 's 25th wedding anniversary . I asked him to tell me a bit about them . They met in the old psychiatric hospital here in London . Brian is schizophrenic and Karen is manic - depressive . Brian is also developmentally disabled . Charles told me they are good examples of the kind of people he deals with , which is to say people no one else wants . He said they 've both been kicked out of numerous hospitals , government run housing programs and nursing homes . " It 's behavioral issues , " he told me . " They are non - compliant with the rules . " Especially when it comes to smoking . Nothing will stop them . I had my camera and Karen asked me to take an anniversary picture . I was happy to do it and they were tickled with the photo . Later , Charles told me Karen was a drug addict with a fondness for Tylenol . She 'd overdosed repeatedly and one time Charles had to give her mouth - to - mouth resuscitation while waiting for the paramedics to arrive . He told me she spent a good deal of time living on the streets in Toronto , " with all that comes with " . I understood what that meant . When I sat down with her some time later , she denied most of what he told me . She said she was the mother of six children , none of whom she has seen since the youngest was three years old . She suspected they lived in Toronto , but really didn 't know . She told me repeatedly how much she loved Charles because he took such good care of them . He called her the queen of the house , and she took the title seriously . Without him , she didn 't know what they would do . She especially didn 't want to try another " old folks home " because she couldn 't stand the fact that people were constantly dying . It depressed her . Even the men living in that awful basement were happy to be with Charles . One some level they all know they can 't make it on their own and are dependent on him to care for them . They know they are one heartbeat or one fire code violation away from homelessness . I spent a bit more time with Charles as he prepared dinner for the eight residents in house number one , and the seven in house number two . The population changes often with some people drifting in and out , some only crashing for a few days . I met this kid , probably no more than 20 - years - old , who was hiding out in the basement to get away from the crack dealers he owed money to . Charles let him stay for a bit , fed him and cleaned him up before he moved on . On this night he was making beef teriyaki with rice . It smelled delicious . Charles told me trained as an executive chef at George Brown College and once prepared a meal for Prince Andrew . He insisted I eat , too , because no guest in his home leaves without a meal . I saw numerous unidentified persons come and go for a night , all of whom he fed and kept warm at his own expense . Charles provided a safe refuge if you needed it and he hated turning people away , regardless of whether they could pay or not . A man then came into the kitchen and made a few grunting noises and was speaking with sign language . Charles told me he was deaf and began to converse with him in sign . I said I didn 't realize he knew sign language . Turns out he really doesn 't , he just knows how to communicate with this particular guy . He handed him a two - dollar coin and told him to set the table . That was his job ; he was paid two dollars a day to set the table for every meal . Not much of a job and not much money , but it was important to him . He had no cash and this meant he could go for coffee at Tim Horton 's if he wanted to . It 's also $ 60 a month out of Charles 's pocket . This is how he kept things running . He pays a man in house number two ten dollars a day to clean and do the dishes . He also had Lucas as weekend help . Lucas was the big Charles success story . After years of living in the group homes addicted to drugs and alcohol , he was now 29 - years - old , clean and sober , has his own place and is headed off to college in the fall . He cooked on the weekends for a small honorarium and enjoyed hanging around with the people he considered family . A few bucks here and a few bucks there all add up when you do the math . Charles has a deal with the government to care for his people . They 're all on disability pensions and most have a provincial trustee who handles their money . Roughly $ 475 of their cheques goes directly to the landlord for rent , which includes all utilities , cable TV and basic Internet . Charles does not receive any money in the form of rent from anyone . He is paid about $ 14 a day per person to provide three square meals and basic personal necessities . This money also comes directly out of their cheques and is sent to Charles from the government . He is not contracted to do anything else . Whatever he does in addition to that , like drive people to appointments , give them their meds , take them to AA , move sofas or feed the dog , are all on a volunteer basis . The average total most residents pay is around $ 900 dollars a month for food and lodging . That 's out of the typical $ 1098 disability each single person in Ontario receives . Fourteen dollars a day isn 't much to feed and care for a person and still make enough money to pay yourself a sufficient salary to survive . Added on top of that is all the freebies he pays for out of his own funds to the drop - ins , and the money he uses to encourage a little bit of help to keep things running . The Free Press repeatedly used the term " illegal " and " unregulated " to describe what Charles does . It 's true they are unregulated , but the government stopped licensing and funding new Homes for Special Care , as they 're called , a few years ago . You can 't get a license today . If they are " illegal " it is only in the sense that they violate city by - laws in terms of zoning restrictions . Charles has been charged with having the two group homes too close together and worries he may have to shut one down because of it . If Charles is breaking the law , then the government of Ontario should face charges as well because his contract is with the province - the Office of the Attorney General and Public Trustee , to be specific . He said more than once he was struggling financially and would be better off going on disability . He would have more money and more time for himself and his family . I also heard a message from the gas company saying the bill at his own house was overdue and headed for collections . But he can 't stop . His whole reason for living is to take care of those people . He says they 're the only reason he 's been sober for ten years ; they give him a purpose . Charles and Lucas told me the same thing . The only way to get clean is to get out of yourself and find something meaningful and productive to do . Charles once asked me : " What more good can I do on this Earth than take care of these people no one wants ? " He 's talking about people like Tony . I did look him up in the newspaper archives when I had a chance . He once had a bright future in the Ontario Hockey League and maybe even bigger things . But tragedy struck at an early age . His father , mother and unborn sibling were killed in a car crash while the father was driving them to the hospital to give birth . His behavior became a problem in his teens and he was dropped from the hockey team and soon developed schizophrenia and depression combined with an over - powering addiction to serious drugs . One night while high on crack , he put a knife to the throat of a cab driver and robbed him of $ 40 so he could buy more drugs . He was soon caught and brought before the courts . The judge called his " a sad case " but had little choice but to sentence him to jail time in the mental health ward at Kingston Penitentiary . Charles is one of the few stabilizing influences in his life . No one else wants a guy like this , and that 's what Charles does . He takes the people no one else will have anything to do with . I often got calls from Charles telling me I missed one sort or drama or another . On one occasion , a clearly upset Charles called to say that Karen had overdosed on Tylenol again and nearly died . She was in intensive care at the hospital . Apparently , she pulled her usual M / O , crying and moaning to anyone she could bully into buying her drugs . This time it was her husband Brian . He was already distraught by Karen 's overdose , but Charles wanted to make sure this didn 't happen again . In addition to the paramedics , the police responded to the 911 call . Charles pulled one cop aside and asked him to scare the crap out of Brian . The officer gave Brian a stern warning : if he bought Karen drugs of any kind again , he would be arrested and sent to jail for five years . A couple of weeks later I got a frantic call first thing in the morning from Charles . Karen had been found unresponsive in her bed . The 911 operator gave him directions on how to resuscitate her . The police arrived quickly and immediately determined she had been gone for a while . She was dead and there was no bringing her back . Charles had wondered the night before if Karen had taken some Tylenol again because she was acting stoned and out of sorts , but she denied it and no one would admit to having given her any . In retrospect , Charles says he can 't be sure what killed her because she had just been discharged from the hospital again , this time for pneumonia . The day of Karen 's funeral Charles was making an appearance before the courts on the charges he faced . He tried to get out of it , but ended up missing the funeral entirely . Brian and three others rode with me in a borrowed car . Several others from the two houses wanted to come , but without Charles , they had no ride . Karen 's casket was a simple plywood box with a barcode and yellow rope for pallbearers ' handles . The landscaping crew carried her body to the gravesite . There were about 20 people there , including people from Brian 's church . A minister , who didn 't know Karen or Brian , said a few prayers and the service was over in ten minutes . Brian held up well and we all caught up with Charles for coffee and muffins in the Tim Horton 's parking lot . Charles always wanted me to phone ahead to tell him I was coming so he could be there . This was in keeping with his controlling nature . I showed up one day unannounced when he wasn 't there and discovered that while residents followed the no - smoking rule when Charles was present , otherwise they smoked whenever they felt like it . The air was blue with everyone puffing away . Theoretically you were in big trouble if you were caught and might even get kicked out but the cat and mouse game went on forever . If residents heard someone pull into the driveway , the cigarettes were snuffed , the ashtrays got stashed under the table and out came the air freshener . It was all totally obvious and could hardly have surprised Charles who knew full well that these people were with him because they didn 't follow the rules in the first place . But it was a real problem for Charles . It was why he was in trouble . The fire at the other building had started because of careless smoking , and the lack of smoke detectors was because the residents were constantly taking them down , either because they always went off or because they wanted a battery for something or other . Now it was time for him to answer for what happened . He asked me to come to court with him because , he said , it would be good to have the media present . It was Charles trying to use me to intimidate the courts . When I arrived at the Ontario Court of Justice and we were summoned in , I was introduced as a member of the media and promptly ejected . While Charles may be a scheming pain in the backside , he isn 't stupid . He correctly pointed out to the Justice of the Peace that the fire code specifically stated that it was the owner of the building who was responsible for maintaining fire standards and that he not only wasn 't the owner , he didn 't receive rent money from anyone . He told me afterward that he was optimistic because the Justice seemed sympathetic to him . A day or so later Charles phoned to say I needed to grab my camera and get to the house right away . A resident had entered a full - blown episode of acute psychosis and needed to be hospitalized . Charles wanted me there before he called the paramedics and came to get me . It was clear from the moment I got into the van that I was being set up once again . Charles said that in mental health calls like this , the police also responded . In his experience , when the police were confronted with a floridly psychotic patient , things could sometimes get ugly . He wanted the " media there " to make sure the cops " didn 't handcuff her and throw her to the ground . " He made the 911 call as soon as we got in the driveway of the house . When asked by the dispatcher if she was violent , he responded , " She could present that way , yes . " I started filming as the police got out of their cruiser and to my surprise , Charles tried to stop me . After all the trouble to get me there , he didn 't actually want me to capture the event on camera , he just wanted a journalist there to make sure the police didn 't escalate the situation . He was using me to protect the resident , not further the story . Despite being told to stay outside , I followed them in and kept filming . The resident was completely freaking out and the cops looked like they wanted nothing more than to get out of there . Again , Charles told me to stop recording . Not this time , buddy , I thought to myself . You 're not the boss of me . I kept right on shooting through the entire encounter . It ended abruptly after a nurse showed up and gave her an injection of heavy - duty anti - psychotic medication . The resident quickly calmed down and the police and paramedics went away . It was typical of Charles to pull a stunt like this , but also very smart . I came to realize what I previously regarded as manipulation was really more of a management style . He deals with completely uncooperative , difficult and unwell individuals every day . The only way he can hold it all together is to get people to do what needs to be done one way or another . His main concern was for his people , and if I could help with that , he was willing to use me as a tool . The next call from Charles was also a surprise . He had received a letter from the prosecutor 's office saying she was dropping the fire code violation charges from the house where the fire occurred . Charles was thrilled . It seemed his own research and defense of himself without a lawyer had succeeded . There was a note at the bottom of the letter saying the charges could be re - instated at some point in the future but we all thought that unlikely . My second surprise of the day happened when I arrived at house number two to continue my filming . Suddenly , no one wanted to participate anymore . Shocked , I went to house number one where I was greeted with the same reception . They told me to turn off the camera and leave them alone . I went up to Charles and he had a question for me . He wanted to know when my work would be released . When I told him probably not for several months , he began to think out loud . Since the charges had been dropped and the rest would likely be beaten as well , did he now want publicity down the road to stir things up again and antagonize the authorities ? It looked like he had concluded that he no longer needed me . I went into panic mode . I was planning to spend months more researching and filming and now it looked like it was coming to an abrupt end . I decided that if I couldn 't use the camera , I would get out the tape recorder and corner everyone I could for some last minute fact - gathering . It worked . They were willing to talk . It was a total smash and grab at this point . In fact , now that the charges had evaporated , Charles was prepared to talk about what happened with the fire , something he had steadfastly refused to do on camera . I finally found out what was supposed to have happened from his point of view . David MacPherson was apparently a problem from the day he arrived . A long - time smoker with severe chronic obstructive pulmonary disease , he needed to be hooked up to oxygen . But because he refused to stop smoking for any reason , the hospital wouldn 't send him home with a portable oxygen tank . Right from the beginning MacPherson was making constant trips back and forth to the hospital because he couldn 't breathe . They would get his oxygen levels up and then send him home . He would continue smoking , have difficulty breathing again , and be right back at the hospital . Charles saw that his sheets and mattress had burn holes in them . Too weak to get up most of the time , McPherson would smoke in bed and instead of putting the cigarettes out , would just toss them on the floor still lit . Charles did what he could to control him , taking away his cigs and lighter and only allowing him to smoke outside . But Charles would quickly lose control when MacPherson went out and panhandled for money to buy his own smokes . Finally , Charles realized " this guy is going to kill my people " and decided to act . It was October 31st , three days before the fire , that Charles said he reached out to everyone he could for help . He tried to get McPherson committed to the psych ward but they didn 't want him because he smoked in the hospital . Next , he called one of the community nurses who told him , " Stop talking and get him out of there . " He also called the police non - emergency number to ask what he could do . The officer asked him if the man lived in the house . Charles said yes and the officer told him , " Well , then , if he lives there , he stays there . " He also had the card for a man from the fire department and tried to ask for his help . Charles says the fire official told him it was a mental health issue and to call the psychiatric hospital for help . Eventually , I was able to pry that business card out of Charles . The name on it was Gary Bridge . The very same Gary Bridge who had been so vocal in the media about everything . And here , in the moment where he was needed the most , Bridge apparently blows him off . Charles felt like he was going in circles . Next , and finally , he called the mental health crisis team who sent out two people . They tried everything they could to find a solution , and couldn 't . Charles said it came down to one final option : pick the man up and physically put him out on the street . He said the guy was so sick and frail that if he 'd done that , he " would have been up on a murder charge , guaranteed . " Lucas was there to witness everything Charles said he did , and backs him up one hundred percent in terms of verifying his story . Partial phone records provided to me by Charles do indeed show that he called the number on Bridge 's card on the day in question . But that number goes to a switchboard for the city , and neither Charles nor I can prove he dialed Bridge 's extension and spoke to him . But the optics are bad . The only person who can tell us what Bridge did or did not say is Bridge , and he doesn 't have a lot to say . A few days later , MacPherson 's careless smoking started a fire , he was killed , the building was burnt out , and scores of people left homeless . Then came all the bad publicity portraying Charles as the bad guy . Charles and his lawyer tried to tell their side of what happened and a reporter from the Free Press was willing to listen . In an email provided to me by Charles , the reporter asked for a meeting with the lawyer and a chronology of what Charles did and any records he could provide to back it up . Charles insists he handed over all the information about the events , including the phone records and a list of actions he had taken that day . But all that reporter said in his article soon after about Charles 's attempts to get MacPherson out was a brief line stating : " He was trying to find him other accommodation when the fire broke out Monday . . . " If there was any follow up to Charles ' allegations about deputy chief Gary Bridge , it was never reported on . That journalist skipped a scheduled appointment for a telephone interview with me without notice or explanation , and did not respond to an open invitation to reschedule . I soon get another call from a very upset Keith Charles . The fire department had decided to re - charge him with the code violations . He asked me to come right away to be there . When they arrived , the one guy did all the talking . He asked who I was , and I said I was a journalist who did not intend to turn off his camera . " I don 't have a problem with you filming , " he told me . Then he and Charles got into it . Charles repeated that he didn 't understand why he was being held responsible . " Keith , I 've heard this many , many times before , " the inspector said to him . Charles was presented with a summons to appear in court . He is being charged with failing to have operational smoke detectors in three units on October 28th , the same as before . Charles pleaded with them to help him and to work with him in the future . " Keith we 've helped you out a lot . . . you 've said it all for the camera , which I 'm sure you 'll use , " the inspector told him . At one point , I interjected that maybe Charles was making a good point and tried to ask a question of the one inspector . He cut me off and said tersely , " I 'm not talking to you , thank you . " The two men left for a few minutes and then came back to talk to me specifically . " Joseph . . . just want to let you know that without written consent you can 't use our image , " he told me . Then he added a bit of a threat . " It will be against you personally if my image shows up on something I didn 't consent to . " I managed to speak with deputy chief Bridge . He was quite willing to answer my questions about Keith Charles up until the point it dawned on him that I was really more interested in what he did or did not do . In response to my repeated question as to whether Charles contacted him three days before the fire asking for help , Bridge insisted he simply could not remember if he had or not . When I persisted in a somewhat aggressive line of questioning , Bridge said he needed to caution me because these matters were before the courts . I said I didn 't care , that he had been quite willing to talk up until now and continued peppering him with questions I don 't think he was expecting . I asked him if the fire department had been so concerned about the apartment building to the point that they had been inspecting it every day , why did they not issue their famous " immediate threat to life " order on that property and bring it up to code themselves ? He responded by telling me that they had ordered the building closed . I reminded him that that order was issued after the fire event and was a bit late . I think he had had enough by this time and told me that my questions were very specific and that he would prefer to reference his notes before answering anything further . We agreed to an interview the next day after he had a chance to review his notes . That interview never happened . Instead , I got an email from Bridge first thing in the morning saying that since the matter was before the courts , he would not be able to provide any more information to me . He attached his credentials and the fire department 's philosophy statement to the email . It read , in part : " OUR MISSION : Be Caring . . . Be Safe . . . Prevent Harm . OUR VISION : First in Life Safety . . . Prevention , Education , Response and Protection " A few days later , several envelopes of disclosure evidence arrived in the mail to Keith Charles 's home . Most importantly , it contained a " witness statement " from my old friend the fire inspector who threatened me with legal action if I used his image . It recounted how he had a conversation with Charles on the morning of October 31st , three days before the fire , about David MacPherson 's problem smoking . Charles asked him what to do about the situation . The inspector 's advice : take away his lighter and accompany him outside to smoke . He essentially tasked Charles with the role of babysitter and police officer of this man 24 / 7 , when Charles had dozens of people under his care . The notes in the disclosure refer to this conversation no less than four times . So if Gary Bridge has a case of amnesia about whether he discussed the fire risk posed by MacPherson , at least two of his inspectors made note of their own conversations about it in their records . I remind you of what Mr . Bridge told the media after the fire . " We 've taken this building very seriously , ' " he told the Free Press . " The concerns aren 't violations necessarily that would ignite a fire but we need to make sure if one does start , ( residents ) can get out " . Not true , Mr . Bridge . Throwing a lit cigarette on the floor in your bedroom not only can start a fire , it did . And what did you do about it , sir ? Had you or your officers acted swiftly and definitively at the time , we wouldn 't be here right now . So what did I learn here ? The only black and white in this whole mess was in the newspaper and it wasn 't to be trusted ( notwithstanding that the handful of reporters who worked on the Keith Charles story were nominated for an award in " investigative " journalism that they didn 't win ) . Keith Charles is a complicated man , but he 's not a bad man . He 's in a whole lot of trouble . But he 's keeping it together as best he can . He won 't stop taking care of his people no matter what they say or do to him . He has to . It 's his reason for living . Every other Tuesday we send out our lovely email newsletter with useful tips and techniques , recent articles and upcoming events . Thousands of readers have signed up already . Why don 't you sign up , too , and get a free ebook as well ? The sooner these places are regulated the better . The sooner adequate resources are put in place for these people the better . Too many people fall between the cracks . Keith is not a villain , however he is ill prepared to deal with these issues . The stakes are very high . |
Comment I went to my favorite weight class tonight , but the instructor was late . We all milled around for a bit , then someone went to ask the front desk what the heck was up . A quick call to his home , and he was there five minutes later . We gave him grief about it , good - naturedly of course , and set to working out . It did seem odd , though . Not like Pete . About twenty minutes into the class I was doing a triceps press and Pete wandered over . I straightened up that extra millimeter you do when the trainer is watching , but for once he didn 't say anything about slowing down . He 's always telling me to slow down . He leaned against a machine and gazed off somewhere . " I heard from a friend yesterday that an old friend of ours was in the hospital . " He made the universal bottle - tipping motion to indicate a heavy drinker . " He 's been messed up for a while … but I guess everything was just shutting down . " I couldn 't tell if he was talking to me or the guy on the other side of him . I 'm not sure he was actually talking to either of us . " So today I dropped my son off at a friend 's house to spend the night , and called my friend 's house to see if I could come see him . He just came home from the hospital last night . And you know what ? They told me he 's dead . Just like that . " He shook his head and wandered off . " I … sorry , " I said to his back . What do you say ? For the rest of the class Pete seemed fine . He moved us through the stations with usual irritating energy . He made us stop randomly and do push - ups . He cracked jokes and at the end of the hour wished everyone a happy new year . But for a brief moment when he faltered , I wouldn 't have known what actually ringing in his head . Comment I had just finished a particularly disastrous trip through Costco . Did you know they don 't take Visa ? Neither did I . I was very displeased to discover this fact , even more displeased than the nice checker guy who had to put back my cart full of super - sized groceries . Heh , heh . Sorry , nice checker guy . Anyhow , I was annoyed . I had just succeeded in dragging three boys through the wasteland that is Costco , successfully hunted down all the required items , hauled the lot up to the counter , only to have them snatched from my grasp by a cruel twist of fate . Or a cruel twist of Costco , I suppose . I was annoyed . Irritation like that has a way of leaking out , infecting the children of the host . Plus it was lunch time , and the boys were crushed by the loss of the 24 pack of Go - Gurt that was almost theirs . We were all irritable . We got in line at the lunch counter . I may have been annoyed at Costco , but not too annoyed to eat their cheap pizza . In front of me was a man who kept turning around and grinning at the boys . Raphael darted away from me and I called out , " Raphael , come here . Stand right here . Here . Look at me . Right here . " " I just had one . I mean my wife did . A son . November 24 . " I looked at him ; he was nodding and smiling so big I thought he 'd pull a cheek muscle . A besotted new dad . Ya gotta love that . " Well , " I advised in my best experienced mother tone , " buckle your seat belt , you 're in for an adventure . " Just then Max decided to break up the monotony of waiting in line by tackling Tre , causing the two of them to careen across the aisle . This forced a few heavily loaded carts to swerve to miss them , earning me some well deserved " control your children " glares . As I opened my mouth to order them to my side , Raphael made a break from his spot and freed the tape stretched between two poles . You know , that tape they use to give a line some definition . It was retractable , and as it zinged back into its retracted position , it startled several people waiting in line . Turned heads . Well earned glares . I sat Max down on one side of me for a time out , Raphael on the other side . Believe it or not , this particular issue of messing with the stretchy tape is one we 've discussed before . He 's been in time out in Borders , the bank , and now Costco over that very issue . He sat down with a satisfied look , as though the experience had been worth the punishment . Max , on the other hand , did not feel his time out was at all deserved , since Tre had said something to him in the car , and it was mean , and Max had just remembered it and that was why he tackled him and Tre should be the one in time out . When I failed to see his logic he resorted to wailing loudly and slumping over on the floor . Large tears and tortured tones earned me yet more looks , this time of the " what have you done to that sweet child ? " variety . I sighed ( more of a Lamaze breathing exercise , really ) and turned back , to discover New Dad still grinning like a fool . " They 're so cool , boys , aren 't they ? " he enthused . I couldn 't help but smile back . " Yes they are , " I replied , " Congratulations on your son . Good luck . " Comment I had two sobering incidents yesterday . The first happened in the car . Now , recently whenever we 've been in the car for any length of time , Raphael and I have had the following exchange : Now , that 's not that amazing of a conversation , I 'll grant you . But it was repeated , word for word , seven trillion times . At least . If I tried changing even one word I would be corrected severely . R : Mama ? Whatcha doin ' ? And so on . Sometimes he would repeat the whole thing over and over and over and over … until I was banging my head on the steering wheel . But yesterday there we were tooling along , and Raphael pipes up from the back seat , " Mama ? Whatcha doin ' ? " I replied with pavlovian promptness , " I 'm driving , baby . What are you doing ? " But then there was silence . I glanced in the rearview mirror and he was staring pensively out the window . He seemed to be trying to remember the next line … but after a moment he shrugged and went back to telling knock - knock jokes with Max . I realized it had been a week or two since we 'd done our little shtick . And in the meantime it faded from his mind . Raphael was done with that bit of his childhood , and now it only exists as an echo in my mind . The next thing was a phrase I heard as I was attempting to serve the boys their breakfast . Raphael was newly - awake - cranky , and wanted me to pick him up . He trailed me in the kitchen , pushing on my knees and whining , " Mama , hold me up . Hold me uuuuuup " As soon as I could I picked him up and hugged him close , charmed by the wording , " hold me up . " That afternoon , Raphael woke up from his nap just as I was fixing dinner . He trotted into the kitchen and took his place at my heels , shoving at my knees in great irritation . " Mama , " he moaned , " pick me up . " The little bits of the boys ' childhoods get left behind them , scattered and forgotten except by me . And even I sometimes lose track of which bit belongs to whom . That was Max , right , who called sprinklers " splinkers ? " Tre was the one who called chocolate " chlokit ? " I 'm left with this ringing in my head , the remains of jargon I once shared with the boys . When one more piece of it moves from reality into memory , I 'm reminded that it 's true , what they say . They grow up so fast . One day soon I 'll be dredging up all these goofy memories to comfort my lonely heart . Maybe I 'll even miss the moments like yesterday , when I found Raphael scrubbing the window track with my toothbrush . Comment I 'm sitting in a darkened house , quiet save for the rustle of the cat at her food . I 've just given a sugar - hyped Tre a sippy cup of chamomile tea to take up to his room , in the hopes he will stay in bed this time . Ribbons and toy packaging lurk in the corners of the room , promising a long day of tidying tomorrow . Christmas was wonderful this year . Truly wonderful . It was a very calm Christmas . I just let some things slide . We never got lights up outside . We used the fake tree . Things that in years past I would have struggled to get done just got left behind . I meandered through the holiday preparations , picking up activities that pleased me and letting others slip through my fingers . I had planned to bake some goodies for neighbors and friends , a small token of my affection . But December 23 I stood in my kitchen , looking at all the ingredients , and decided not to . There 's too much food everywhere right now anyway . I think I may surprise them with something on a gloomy day in late January . For now I hope they know I love them , but I 'm sure they 're more interested in their own families . As it should be . I 'm rather interested in mine . We had such a nice day . We didn 't go anywhere , and the boys were in their jammies almost all day . The big gift today was one for the whole family , a nice electronic keyboard . From the other room I really can 't tell when Raphael is testing it that he 's not banging on a real piano . Max spent much time noodling around , fascinated by the " pinano . " Tre is ready to start lessons , but was more interested in a gift he got at his other grandparent 's house yesterday , some spy gear . He got a wrist camera ( actually takes pictures ) and a spy message center thingy . I 'm not sure this is a great direction for him , because he spends enough time as it is sneaking up on people . But he 's delighted , and has taken untold numbers of pictures of unsuspecting people reading , putting on their shoes , or doing the dishes . The big hit for Raphael was a dump truck filled with those large interlocking building blocks . He has spent literally hours playing with that today . But here 's the cool thing about the gifts . We 're not done . We celebrate the full twelve days around here , so all we opened today was the large family gift and the books I bought the boys . And for the next eleven days one person will open a gift a day . The boys complained about this a bit , but they truly didn 't fight it too much . And now there 's this whole lingering celebration to come . Comment Raphael has learned to climb out of his crib . The first time it happened I tried to convince myself it was a fluke . But he kept mysteriously appearing beside my bed in the morning . Or at the top of the stairs after his nap . I suppose I may have been in denial . I would roll over in the morning to come nose - to - nose with his shining little face and decide not to think about it . Yesterday Tre and Max were going upstairs to watch TV . It was during Raphael 's nap , so I warned them to be quiet . Halfway up the stairs I hear Tre say , " Oh . Well , hi there , Raphi . " And moments later there was my pumpkin ' bug , trotting happily into the kitchen . " Ah did it my SEWF ! " he announced with glee . I chose not to think about it . Well , this afternoon we arrived home from a hair cutting trip right at naptime . Raphael had slept for approximately 18 seconds in the car , and felt that was enough of a nap for any baby . I disagreed . I carried him up the stairs to his crib , trailing his protests all the way . " Noooo , " he wept , " ah don ' wanna go sweep . Ah wanna wake uuuuuup ! " I deposited him in his crib , kissed the top of his belligerent little head , and exited stage left . From behind his bedroom door I heard him warning me , " Ah 'm gonna talk ! " He waited a moment for my response , and getting none , proceeded to start the soliloquy that generally lulls him to sleep . " Ah 'm Shooperman . An den Ah fly ober the houses … " I heaved a sigh of relief and headed down the stairs . I had a million things to do , but instead I sat down at the table for a moment with a cup of tea . It had been quite the day already . Tre and Max were involved with a game on the computer , and for a moment I just drank in the serenity . Then I heard it . A thump above my head , and the scamper of little feet . A distinct sinking feeling in my stomach suggested this was something I had to face . I walked over to the stairs and looked up . Around the corner came an ecstatic Raphael . His face was aglow with the joy of freedom , and a celebratory ribbon of drool extended from bottom lip to stomach . Seeing me he threw up his arms , as though to hug the whole wonderful world . " Tuprise , Mama ! " Surprise , indeed . So now I have to actually accept the fact that he can get out of his crib , and deal with the consequences . Like teaching him that when I put him down for his nap he should stay there . This would probably be an easier task had I not laughed quite so hard at his shining little face today . Oh well . Comment Max is really into drawing pictures and writing captions for them . Now , he 's just five , so his spelling is not exactly standard . For example , he signs every picture " by Tre and Max , " even though Tre has yet to ever draw a picture with him . Max just likes to include his brother . Anyhow , he spells this phrase something like " bi Tre end Max . " These pictures are a sight to behold . They usually feature a tree in the very center , with happy people with square bodies and long thin necks gathered around . In one picture he showed me and Tre on one side of the tree , smiling ecstatically . On the other side was Raphi , who was pushing over a very annoyed Max . So not only is he a prolific artist , he 's a realist . The other morning I wandered into the kitchen , where Dad was making his famous waffles for breakfast . I came upon Max , showing a newly drawn picture to Dad . " See ? " He was showing Dad the important details of the scene , " That 's me . And here it says ' Boobies ' . " Dad chuckled . " Well , it sure does ! That 's great , Max ! " I stood there , watching the two of them , trying to figure out why my son was drawing pictures of boobies , and why my father was encouraging him . Max set his picture down on the counter next to me as he walked by , and I picked it up casually . It looked pretty much like all the other pictures . There was a tree in the middle , a ripple of grass along the bottom , and three people with their arms splayed out and showing three fingers ( I don 't know why three fingers . They all have three fingers ) . I gazed at it a moment until Dad noticed me puzzling over it . " Isn 't that great ? " he enthused . I nodded , not knowing what to say , exactly . " Um … boobies ? " I finally asked . " Yeah , " he replied , " See , there are the bees . " I looked again , and sure enough there was a small cloud of specks near one of the figures . That person had his mouth open . He was clearly shouting something . Something like , " Boo ! " It didn 't say " boobies " at all . It said , " Boo , bees ! " Comment Today was the Nativity play at church . By the way , if you 've been keeping notes , yes we left our church , and yes we 've seemed to have found a new one . It 's fabulous in many respects , but after the " breakup " I 'm not sure I 'm ready to commit . But I was ready to let the kids be in the play . Oh , so sweet . Tre was a wise man , Max was Joseph , and Raphael was a donkey . Although if you ask him , he 'll tell you he was a dog , because he 's pretty sure everyone was calling him a doggy . Tre did a stellar job , manfully striding to his appointed spots on cue , clutching his bottle of frankincense . He looked purposeful , embarrassed , and proud by turns . He didn 't even tug at his crown too much , even though it was so hot under there that his hair was damp with sweat by the time the play was over . Max was something of a somber Joseph . He was tired and wanted to go home , so he sort of stomped his way through his part . I 'm not sure why they chose him to be Joseph , since he 's a good foot shorter than Mary , but it worked out fine . I was nervous that he might decide to reprise the performance he gave at the school production last Monday . He had been on stage , right in the middle of the adorable huddle of wee preschoolers , and had decided to pull his shirt up and scratch his belly , then do a little dance with gyrating hips and waving arms . Then he went back to the belly scratch , then ( not noticing or caring that his shirt was still hiked up to his chest ) , he reached back and grabbed vigorously at his underwear , which was apparently bothering him in some way . Fortunately for the dignity of the event today , Max did none of that . Raphael was a hit in his furry little donkey costume with ears . I mean that both literally and figuratively . No one could resist his charm . However at one point when he was milling around the stable he tried to take the little sheep 's precious stuffed dog away . She wouldn 't give it to him , and he responded by hauling off and whacking her one . Then he turned and trotted back to me , announcing , " Ah don ' wanna play with the kids enny more . " But we 've survived another Christmas pageant , and tonight we finally got our tree decorated . My shopping is … almost done , and the baking is a good halfway there . I 've been fairly relaxed about this Christmas , yet I find it 's mostly coming together anyhow . Go figure . Comment Please permit me a brief parental brag . I took Tre to the Pack meeting tonight ( in case you 're wondering , the small group of eight boys he meets with twice a month is a den . The gathering of all the dens is the Pack ) . He was very excited , because tonight they were announcing the winners of the greenery sales contest . Well , I know you 're all agog , so I won 't keep you in suspense . Tre came in fourth in sales in the whole pack . Of course , he smoked the rest of his den . Um … please re - write that last sentence for yourself to make it sound more sportsmanship - like . For his stellar showing he won a model electric plane , and a hockey puck signed by Milan Hejduk of the Colorado Avalanche . I am not proud to confess that my delight in the latter item is based mostly on the knowledge that it would reeeeeealy frost my ex 's hide if he only knew that if he were around he would have access to a hockey puck signed by Milan Hejduk . ( Insert small , evil snicker here ) However , the true joy of the evening was watching Tre . He sat on the edge of his seat when they started announcing winners , fairly trembling with anticipation . He bounced a little . And when they called his name he turned to me and smiled , then walked up there to receive his goods with such poise . He turned to come back and the delight on his face set the entire room aglow . Plus he 's the cutest wee Cub Scout ever . Just reporting the facts here . After the awards they brought in jugglers for the boys to watch . That was fine , but then they decided to break up the 100 - plus little boys into four groups , give them each three bean bags , and teach them to juggle . Oy . Hand out bean bags to hordes of hyped up little boys and say , " here , guys . Why don 't you juggle these ? " It would have been calmer inside a popcorn machine . Bean bags were flying everywhere . They were whacking into the ceiling , whizzing past ears , being shoved down shirts . Some boys took the direct approach to juggling , wherein they would choose a partner ( with or without the partner 's knowledge ) and rapid - fire the bags into his chest . That was fun . Comment I went to the eye doc today for my three week check after the lasik . I was supposed to go Monday , without the kids , but a snowy morning scuttled those plans . So I ended up there this afternoon , with all three boys . Right at Raphael 's naptime . Now , if you 're thinking to yourself this may be a recipe for disaster , give yourself a gold star for astuteness . To make matters worse , I was ten minutes late . Now I don 't want to make excuses for myself or anything , but I would have been on time had Raphael not decided on the way out the door to … require a clean diaper . BADLY . Birds were falling out of the air . It was potent . So anyhow , I arrived with my tribe in tow . The people behind the desk were all raised eyebrows and subtle glances at the clock . Yes , I admit it , I was late . And when you 're late , you have to pay penance by waiting an extra long time for the doctor . I know it 's deserved , that people who are late screw with the Almighty Schedule , but this left me in a room roughly the size of a shoebox , completely lined with things that should not be touched . I passed out candy , I told stories about belly button snatchers , and I sang songs about ducks that go " wibble - wobble . " I did all I could to entertain the boys - by which I mean Raphael , who was in full destructo - baby mode . Finally the doctor came in , and glanced around the room with a look something akin to horror . Max crawled out from under the chair . Doc gave a somewhat forced chuckle and asked , " Well , my goodness , how many children do we have in here ? " I was holding Raphael in what I hoped appeared to be a normal way , although my true intent was pinning his arms to his side . He really wanted the doctor 's light off the desk . " Just three , " I replied cheerfully . I sat down and proceeded to be examined . One thing about an eye exam , it makes it hard to shoot death glares at misbehaving children . But the boys were behaving themselves … um … fairly well . Tre was sitting in the chair quietly , only occasionally kicking Max in the head when he bit him on the shin . Max was … well , climbing under the chair and biting his brother on the shin . Raphael unsnapped all the snaps on the legs of his overalls , and when that got boring , moved to emptying my purse . He found some feminine hygiene products , which he proceeded to unwrap . The doctor , meanwhile , was being a doctor . He pronounced my eyes wonderful , my vision better than it had been in contacts ( I could have told him that ) . He asked if I was using my artificial tears . I replied that I had a hard time remembering , because my eyes felt fine . A little dry in the morning , but that 's it . " Well , that 's fine . You 're young and moist , " he replied . Comment Here 's my trip , the condensed version . Waaaaay too early Friday morning I dragged myself out of bed and away from my home . As Dad pulled out of the driveway I waved frantically at my boys , who were waving back from the front window . Max was sleepy and a little fuzzy on what was happening . Tre was crying , but trying not to . Raphael was still asleep . No sooner were we out of the driveway then the cell phone rang . I answered and Tre 's voice piped , " Hi , Mama ! How 's your trip ? " I laughed and talked to both of them for a few minutes . That was good . The rest of the morning passed in the usual airport blur of ticketing agents and security officers and Starbucks . I was fine . I settled in at my gate and read my book . Finally it was time to board . I found my seat , stashed my carry on luggage under the seat in front of me as instructed , and clicked my seatbelt low around my waist . And burst into tears . What was I doing ? I didn 't want to leave my boys ! I like my boys . I didn 't want to go play and go out to dinners and go to a spa . I wanted to go home . Well , I didn 't go home . I went to California . I met up with Amy and we were off for San Diego . Amy 's employers opt to take their employees on a weekend retreat of sorts in lieu of a Christmas office party . Everyone 's allowed to take a friend , and I was lucky enough to be Amy 's guest this year . Let me tell you , these people know how to treat their employees . Very nice . We stayed in the Hyatt overlooking the San Diego Bay . We ate fabulous food at gorgeous restaurants . We went to the San Diego Zoo , and got a behind - the - scenes tour . We were so close to a giraffe at one point , Amy nearly got giraffe drool on her head . It was amazing . Fabulous . I went to a spa and was scrubbed with sugar and coconut oil . Oh my . I 've never been to a spa , but that day I decided the hype was true . Spas are very good things . I dressed like a grown up , I ate meals without interruption , I had long conversations with Amy and other intelligent people . I laughed , I wore high heels until my feet screamed . And you know what ? I enjoyed myself . I may have talked about the boys a tad more than was necessary … but everyone was very kind about it . Amy works with the nicest people . And the boys would call me several times a day , which was great . I 'd be sitting in some fancy restaurant , nibbling on my appetizer , and the cell phone would ring and I 'd leap up and dash for a quiet spot like some rabid poodle . I 'd leave people hanging mid - sentence . And for a few minutes I 'd press that phone to my ear like life itself depended on the goofy conversation I was having . Max would blow me kisses and make noises into the phone , asking me to guess what they were . Tre would finish every conversation with , " Have a fun trip and a safe trip , Mama . " Raphael would babble incoherently , totally unconcerned with whether or not I was understanding him . Mom or Dad would get on the line for just a moment , to reassure me that everything was fine . Then I 'd hang up and go back to acting like an adult . I was relaxed and confident that the boys were ok , all was well and I could enjoy myself . Until it was time for the flight home . Ok , truth be told , I woke up Sunday a bit anxious . Time to pack . Time to go . Home . Boys . Now . By the time I got to the airport I could barely form sentences . I hugged Amy goodbye and I hope she knows that just because I sprinted Then , heaven help me , they delayed my flight . They pushed it back by five minutes , then ten , then twenty . By this point I was pacing and muttering . People were casually moving to stand between me and their children . It was bad . After an eternity , we boarded . Those damn flight attendants insisted upon reading about the freakin ' seat cushions and showing us those oxygen masks . I was fairly sure they could be doing something to make the plane get moving . Eventually it did move . I tried to read , but I ended up staring out the window , willing time to pass . As we approached Denver , the sparse dusting of lights on the ground below slowly morphed into the unmistakable smear of light that is a city . My city . Home . Boys . I cried again . And soon they were in my arms and all was well . They were fine . They aren 't traumatized and Mom and Dad seem to have weathered the weekend well too . All told , it went just as well as could be hoped . I 'm grateful to everyone who pulled it off . What a gift . Comment I took Tre to buy new jeans tonight . What is it about eight year old boys that causes them to erupt out the knees of their jeans ? Sheesh , I swear the fabric weakens while he 's just sitting serenely , gazing out the window . ( Like that ever happens ! ) In the morning I glance at him and notice , hey , I think there 's a hole in the left knee of his jeans . By lunchtime both knees are sporting tears of at least two inches , and by dinner one pants leg is entirely gone , the other is hanging by a thread . Anyhow , it was time to buy his week 's allotment of jeans , so we went off to the store . Max and Raphael were home with Amma and Appa , so this was a doable expotition . We charged into the store and found the boys ' section . I grabbed a selection of jeans and we were off for the dressing room . Now , I learned my lesson last time I took him shopping , and didn 't head in there with him . No need to earn that withering look again . I handed him the stack and positioned myself at the door of the changing room . He turned to go in the little stall , and then turned back . " Wait right there , " he instructed . I nodded , leaning against the wall . Department stores just suck the life right out of me . I think it 's the lighting or something , but after five minutes inside one I can feel my will to shop just draining away . He was not satisfied with my cavalier assurance , and fixed me with a steely look . " Don 't . Move . From . That . Spot . " By this point I got it . He was getting a little worried . I looked steadily back at him and said in what I hoped was a reassuring tone , " Don 't worry . I 'll be right here . " He went in and shut the door behind him , only to yank it open a second later to glare at me . Just testing . He went back and proceeded to try on jeans . Tre is … well … a touch intense on certain matters . And ever since his dad left , being left alone is a huge fear for him . If he comes in from outside and I 'm not in the room he expectes me to be in , he panics . We even have a rule around here , " if you can 't find Mama , look in the basement , the garden , and the garage before you freak out . " Because if he can 't find me in 2 . 3 seconds , he freaks out . By the time he does find me ( 4 . 3 seconds ) , he 's screaming " Mama ! " and tears have filled his huge brown eyes . He races over to me and hollers , " You scared me ! " and when I hug him , I can feel him trembling . When he goes to bed at night if he can 't hear us talking in the living room he comes tearing down the stairs , wailing , " Mama ? " Tears . Trembling . He 's gotten better , he really has . Right now he 's up there , awake in his room . I 'm typing at the computer and Mom and Dad have gone down to their room in the basement . It 's quiet . But he 's just come down to check on me once , and it was very calmly . He 's made real progress . But I 'm going away this weekend . A girls ' weekend away , with a dear friend in California ( hi , Amy ! ) . This is a good thing , I think . Healthy for me … right ? But I worry about my boys . I 've done everything I can to make them feel secure . Heck , until a few months ago I didn 't even make Max sleep in his own bed . Their fears seemed like a natural response to the unexpected turn our lives took . So I did what I could to bind up their broken parts . The question is when is it time to remove the cast ? If my kids didn 't have " abandonment issues " a weekend for me away wouldn 't be that hard to imagine . Stressful , sure , but not unreasonable . But now , in our situation , I watch them and wonder . Am I stepping gingerly back , letting them get their own strength ? Or am I removing supports too soon ? I suspect this is a good step . I am , after all , leaving them with their Amma and Appa ( my parents ) , so I know they 're in good hands . And hopefully by this time Sunday night my boys will have seen and believed what I told Tre when he came out of the changing room . Comment Ok , apologies all around , but this is going to be short . I did two things today that shouldn 't go in the same day . I gave blood this afternoon and then this evening I went to the weight circuit class I haven 't been to for a month . Now , neither of those things would knock me out by themselves , but put them together , within a 6 hour span … not good news . I 'm not the sharpest pencil in the box tonight , and I 'm going to bed . But first , a few quotable moments from my boys . A couple of days ago I was in the process of making dinner and Max came into the kitchen swinging his arms around vigorously . " Whatcha doin ' , honey ? " I asked , dodging a fist . " I 'm being an experiment . I have four arms . " If you didn 't get that , read it out loud . I nearly passed out , trying not to let him see me laughing . I just didn 't want to explain what was so funny . Some time last week Dad called with the news that he 'd gotten a promotion at work . I congratulated him heartily , and after a few minutes of being impressed , hung up to let him get back to being a high - powered financial whiz . Max , seeing I had hung up , wailed , " Nooooo ! I wanted to talk to Appa ! " So we called him back , and Max crowed happily into the phone , " Appa , you rock . " Then it was Tre 's turn to talk , and he spent a few minutes alternatively describing his breakfast and chewing in Dad 's ear . Finally he handed the phone to Raphael , who was about to spontaneously combust if someone didn 't let him talk NOW . He snatched the phone out of Tre 's hand , pulled it to his ear , and inquired earnestly , " Appa , yoo gotta rock ? " Comment It 's snowing right now , sifting down over the four inches of snow that have fallen since about 1 this afternoon . They expect somewhere between 6 and 10 inches by morning . I have a confession to make . There is a breed of people ( you know who you are ) who live here in Colorado , who looooooove the snow . When the weather forecast calls for 5 or more inches , they happily talk about it standing in line at the grocery store . These people grin up at the clouds when they see the first snowflakes . Blizzards make them giddy . These are the people with the bumper stickers that proclaim , " Colorado Native . " I am not a Colorado native . I 'm not a native of anywhere , really . I was born in Chicago , but we moved away when I was just a toddler . Since then I 've lived in places like Texas , Mexico , New Mexico , and New Zealand . Not a lotta snow in any of those places . Well , we got a bit in parts of New Mexico , but not that much . I moved here about … what … eleven years ago . It was August when I came to Denver , and I had come from Las Cruces , which is in southern New Mexico . I went from 110 degree days to balmy 70 's . I was freezing . I went down to Las Cruces to see my friends over Halloween that year and I remember the morning after I got back to Denver . I was walking to my car , and a snowflake lazily drifted past my eyes , right down into my cleavage . I watched it , thinking , " What the hell am I doing here ? Yesterday I was wearing shorts . " I spent the rest of the day scowling out the window at the snow . I am not as insane as all those Colorado natives . But I do have to admit a certain growing affinity for the stuff . As the impressive dark clouds rolled in this morning , I watched them and quietly wondered just how much snow they 'd leave . It was … kind of exciting . See , here in Colorado we don 't have to live with the snow for weeks . Heck , it usually doesn 't stay for days , even . Just two days ago I was standing in a store and a woman came in wearing sandals . I looked at her and thought , " It 's December , woman ! " But the truth is it wasn 't too cold for sandals . And sometime in the next week there will be a 60 degree day . All these dramatic weather swings leave one with a sense of anticipation . What 's next ? Five feet of snow , like the blizzard of last March ? Or a 75 degree Christmas ? I went outside tonight to shovel the driveway with Dad . Tre was playing out there with us , tossing snowballs at us and asking us to throw shovelfuls of snow at him . We obliged . Eventually the driveway was clear ( for a few minutes … you should see it now ) , and Dad and I turned to go inside . Tre begged to stay out for a while in the snow . I said ok , but he had to play in the back . It was , after all , nearly eight p . m . and DARK out there . He agreed , so I went over to the gate to let him into the back yard . As I swung it open , Tre stood silent for a moment , staring through the open gate . " Now I enter Snow World , " he breathed . Then he charged in , and spent the next half hour romping in the snow . In the dark . Alone . He 'd still be out there if I hadn 't made him come in and go to bed . Comment I was at the pediatrician 's office the other day , getting flu shots for the boys and myself . I was feeling very smug , having gotten my flu shot like a good girl . Aren 't I the responsible one ? Then today I read in the newspaper that they 're running low on the vaccine , and are asking healthy people to hold off on getting immunized . Shoot . Anyhow , while I was waiting for our turn for the shots ( in a packed waiting room with kids that probably gave us the flu before the shot could work ) , I was thumbing through a Parents magazine . And I , um , took it home with me . ANYHOW , I was reading it and came across a Q and A column about " Good Manners " by Peggy Post . One of the questions was from a mom who noticed a woman at the park letting her baby feed herself grapes . The mom was wondering how she should have pointed out the obvious choking hazard . Now , maybe this is just my guilt complex because I actually fed all three of my kids grapes before the age of two . I worried a little and I watched them closely , but I did feed them grapes . Ok , see how I was back - pedaling there in my confession ? I was trying to justify my decision to feed MY kids grapes , an event that they clearly survived . And that 's why this column bothered me . There 's a whole new morality about child - rearing . There are clear " right " and " wrong " choices , and it is wrong to feed food that are high choking hazards to kids under the age of two . No popcorn , nuts , hot dogs , or grapes . All parents know that . And if another parent is breaking that rule , it is clearly our job to correct them . Not to assume that they know their child better than we do and have the knowledge and skills necessary to make those sorts of decisions for themselves . Not to grant them their God - given right to raise their child as they see fit . We are to gently , inoffensively , bring them back in line . They will be grateful . What are some of the rules of the current parenting morality ? Well , let 's see . Don 't spank your child . Use time outs to help them learn to control their emotions . Don 't feed them too much sugar . Express your displeasure at their misbehavior with " I " statements , so as not to personally criticize them . Buy organic food . Put them to bed in fire - resistant approved sleepwear . No pacifier after the baby turns one . Make them wear helmets when they ride their bikes . And for heaven 's sake , don 't smoke - you might as well just hold a pillow over their little mouths . Now , I 'll agree that these rules include some very good ideas . A parent who follows parenting morality to a " T " would probably do a very good job of parenting indeed . They 'd annoy ME greatly , but that 's neither here nor there . What bugs me is the assumption that these rules must be followed to be a good parent . I believe parents ( especially mothers - sorry ) have a sense of what their kids should and should not do that no set of rules can encompass . Good parents can break the rules and still be good parents . But for me the icing on this particular cake came later in the same magazine , an article titled " Romance After Remarriage " by Holly Robinson . It 's well written , with suggestions for easing the transition into a blended family that seem great . What would I know ? But then there 's a sidebar with the heading " Sleepovers for single parents ? " It talks about keeping your dating life separate until you 're in a " committed relationship " , telling your children you 've invited your friend to spend the night when " you feel the time is right . " Then , " if your preschooler asks why this person has to spend the night , you can simply answer that adults who love each other sometimes have sleepovers so they can cuddle . " I believe that this attitude is reprehensible . I feel that to expose your children to the risks inherent in a casual sexual relationship is wrong . It seems to me that 's putting your physical needs above your child 's needs for safety - emotionally , physically , and morally . And I don 't feel it necessary to take moral advice from a forum that would recommend lying to your young child ( unless … do people have dates spend the night just to cuddle ? ) . Comment I was giving Max and Raphael a bath . Raphael was in a MOOD , so his bath time consisted mainly of swiping toys from Max and protesting whenever Max managed to hold onto something . Anything . There was much shrieking and flinging of sodden washcloths . It was fun . Max , on the other hand , had discovered that the yellow foam disk they had among their bath toys was … biteable . He was tearing chunks out of it with his teeth and spitting them into the water . By the time I noticed what he was doing he was already surrounded by a small yellow foam armada . " Hey ! Stop that ! " I ordered in my most enlightened parenting style . He looked up at me quizzically . " We never play with this , Mama . " Tre was doorway climbing . This means he was bracing arms and legs in the doorway and shimmying his way up . Then , once his shoulders were pressed against the top of the doorway ( what 's that called ? The bottom is the door jamb , what 's the top ? ) , he 'd release the pressure just enough to slide down to the floor . And then he 'd start back up again . Once when he was at the very top he looked down to see Raphael get mad at his shark toy and yell , " Meanie ! Stoopid ! " at it . This struck Tre so funny that he erupted into fits of laughter , which caused him to lose his grip and tumble to the floor somewhat faster than usual . He laid there in a heap , giggling and pausing to grab his shin and comment , " ow . " Then giggle some more . Oh , I wanted to give you a quick update on Tre and the knife . He is indeed being very responsible about it . He 's only used it once , to cut a ribbon , and he asked permission first . No horsing around , so I suppose those wacky Cub Scout people were right about this one . He 's just so very impressed with the seriousness of having a pocket knife . Once today he was walking through the kitchen and Claire ( our beautiful , stupid cat ) saw him and freaked out and ran away . She 's a cat . They 're not the most mentally stable of animals . Anyhow , Tre watched her run away and turned to me , very seriously . " I think Claire saw my pocket knife and it scared her . " Comment This morning I was getting breakfast for the boys , which consists of a routine something like this : Stand , befuddled , in the middle of the kitchen for a solid 14 seconds . Determine that I was about to get milk to go with said breakfast . Stomp over to the cupboard , pull out three glasses . Glare at glasses . Wonder what I was about to do with them . Anyhow , I had just put two pieces of bread in the toaster and , after a moment of glaring concentration , pushed the little lever down . I was stomping over to the fridge for jelly when Raphael tiptoed up behind me and dropped a small red plastic tube in after the bread . It came with some play - dough , sort of a small rolling pin . Anyhow , I had gotten out the jelly for Max ( pomegranate ) and jam for Tre ( strawberry ) and laid out the plates and knives before the thought , " That smells a lot like melting plastic , " finally penetrated the morning fog . I looked around the kitchen for the source of the smell . A smell that was fairly overpowering by this point . The stove was off . I looked at the toaster . There didn 't seem to be anything touching it , just a plume of oily smoke coming out of it . Wait . Smoke - that 's not a good thing . I did remember to unplug it before investigating too far into the insides . Yay , me . Well , to sum up , we need a new toaster . But at least we have a new red plastic sculpture . It 's very … unusual , and I plan to incorporate it into the Christmas centerpiece somehow . Raphael spent the rest of breakfast skulking around , muttering , " Ah sowwy , Mama . " I 'd pat him and say , " That 's ok , baby . Just don 't put anything in the toaster unless I tell you to , ok ? " To which he 'd reply , " Ah didn 't do it , Mama ! " When I told the story to Mom she pointed out that what he probably meant was that he wished he hadn 't done it . That 's probably true , and a much more charitable explanation than mine about him being some sort of psychopath . I will tell you one thing . Nothin ' but Honeycomb cereal for breakfast from here on out . Comment Tre had a Cub Scout den meeting tonight . Big night . I am proud to announce that tonight Tre earned the coveted Whittling Chip . Do you know what this means ? This means he is now allowed to carry a pocket knife . What the hell are they thinking ? Now , I have to admit this whole Whittling Chip thing is done well . They started the meeting by sitting down the boys around a table . On the table was a whole range of knives , from a little pocket knife , up to a giant meat cleaver . For once the entire gaggle of boys was silent . They stared , in awe . Rules about the proper use and care of knives were sternly read to them , and read back by them . They signed cards bearing these rules , as a promise to live by them . The rules include things like " I will not throw my knife for any reason . " These rules were written by people who know boys . And the boys have to carry their cards whenever they have their knives . If a Den Leader catches a Cub Scout with his knife and he doesn 't have his Whittling Chip card , he LOSES his knife . And if a Den Leader catches a Cub Scout doing something he shouldn 't be doing with his knife , he gets a corner cut off his card . If he loses four corners , he LOSES HIS KNIFE . And he can 't get another until he 's a Boy Scout . Serious stuff . After the rules portion of the evening was done , they moved over to a newspaper covered table to practice opening and closing their new pocket knives . They carved soap . It was very manly and sober . These goofy eight year old boys all took to the task of carving bars of Ivory like the survival of the village depended upon it . They grimly discussed all the ways you could hurt yourself with a knife , if you weren 't careful . I stood in the corner and observed Tre as he gingerly opened and closed his knife under careful supervision . His glossy brown head bent over his work and he scraped soft curls of soap onto the newspaper . He glanced up , and seeing me watching he squared his shoulders and gave me a very adult nod . And grinned . But see , I 'm a mom . And I watched them hand my little boy , my baby , a knife and thought , " Oh no . I don 't think so . That simply cannot be a good idea . " I wanted to march over , snatch it out of his hand , and glare meaningfully at the Den Leader . Which is why , I suppose , Tre is in Cub Scouts . So someone will give him a pocket knife . Because LORD KNOWS I wouldn 't . Humph . Well , Tre is thrilled . And he 's taking the seriousness of it very earnestly . I think it 's good for him . I think this will help teach him responsibility . I think letting him take this on helps him develop his sense of self as he grows and matures . Comment I went to get my hair done today . I may have mentioned before that Kristy , my hair genius , has a bit of a chaotic life . Well , her news today was that she 's separated from her husband . Booted him out , actually . They have two little girls , 2 ½ and less than one year old . It 's not an unusual story . He 's been doing … things and … women he shouldn 't . She had enough and packed his things and changed the locks . As she told me the story , I watched in awe . I wasn 't that together , I thought . She is in charge . I was at sea at that point . In shock . I forgot the baby in the car once . I was not in charge . Kristy tossed her head and announced her intentions as far as child support and visitation . I listened and marveled at how in control she was . I thought all these things because I wasn 't able to get a word in edgewise . " It 's not like I wanted us to split up ! " she practically shouted , " He wasn 't coming home at night ! I mean , ALL night ! Can you imagine ? " Her cell phone rang and she glanced at it and tossed it in a drawer . " It 's him , " she shrugged , and went on . Then the salon phone rang . No one else was there to answer it , so Kristy stepped a few feet away to the desk to answer it . It was her husband . I watched her talk to him . Her posture changed , just melted from the angry woman who had been laying out her battle plan a few minutes earlier . Her shoulders sagged and her eyes fell to gaze dully at the floor . Suddenly she looked like a frightened little girl . My dad says you can tell a gift from God because it blesses both the person receiving it and the person giving it . The transverse reality is true . Divorce is a gift from Hell . There is no one that goes unharmed in a divorce . The kids , of course . They hurt . The broken couple hurts . Families hurt . Friends hurt . I sat in the black swivel chair , my hair dripping , and relived the shattered feeling of listening to someone you made babies with speak to you with such rage it sucks all the air out of the room . No one gets through a divorce without damage . ¶ 12 / 01 / 2003 10 : 44 : 00 PM My new baby . Ain 't she cute ? |
My mother and I talk on the phone . She on her end . Me on mine . Somehow I 've been wanting to check in each week . Sunday evening . There 's something sort of sweet and comforting and familiar about Sunday evening , around dinner time , just before 60 Minutes . I 'm almost always at home then and she is too . We don 't talk long because I get restless . I like to hear a little of what she has to say . I like just to hear her voice for a few minutes . She always wants to talk - about her cats , or the people she works for or neighbors or what she 's cooking . If she pauses , I often prompt her , " So how 's the disabled man in Monticello ? " And I try - now much more than I used to - to add one or two ingredients of my own to this soup . Not much , but something . And then I 'm saying something about - well , I guess I better … My sister is coming from California with her husband Steve to visit my mother for a few days . My mother lives about 50 miles from where I live here in upstate New York . My sister and her husband are coming and they will sleep at my mother 's house , but me and my mother don 't talk about that . They will come and go and I won 't see them . Once or twice over the past week I have thought maybe I will send a little birthday card or present to this sister because it 's her birthday on Saturday . I could do it . It 's like a party trick I can do well so I am sort of compelled to do it , to please her . It is so easy to buy someone a present . My mother likes to give presents . It 's harder not to . I thought about it as I raked leaves on Sunday . When I do things like that I always think of my mother , or my family . I guess it 's the only other time I 've watched or done yard work . Both my parents did things outside , though never together and always in very different ways - my father liked the lawnmower . My mother liked kneeling in the dirt , digging with a trowel , transplanting things she 'd dug up from the side of the road . And I thought about this thing with my sisters as I drove home tonight too and tPosted by I stumbled upon this book , written in the early seventies by a man who came of age in the thirties . It is beautiful and brilliant and delicate . And here is a very small piece of it that particularly moved me and I thought worth sharing with all who have a passion for writing their lives . " In all the questioning about what makes a writer , and especially perhaps the personal essayist , I have seen little reference to this fact ; namely , that the brain has become a kind of unseen artist 's loft . There are pictures that hang askew , pictures with outlines barely chalked in , pictures torn , pictures the artist has striven unsuccessfully to erase , pictures that only emerge and glow in a certain light . They have all been teleported , stolen , as it were , out of time . They represent no longer the sequential flow of ordinary memory . They can be pulled about on easels , examined within the mind itself . The act is not one of total recall like that of the professional mnemonist . Rather it is the use of things extracted from their context in such a way that they have become the unique possession of a single life . The writer sees back to these transports alone , bare , perhaps few in number , but endowed with a symbolic life . He cannot obliterate them . He can only drag them about , magnify or reduce them as his artistic sense dictates , or juxtapose them in order to enhance a pattern . One thing he cannot do . He cannot destroy what will not be destroyed ; he cannot determine in advance what will enter his mind . " Posted by Bennett is due at our house at 6 o ' clock . I leave work early . It 's almost dark as I pull out of the large but rural parking lot and drive down the road through the woods that leads out to the main artery that will lead me to the next main road and the next all the way home . I am watching the temperature gauge , that white needle that this morning was starting to swing way up to the mid - point and even a little past it . I had turned tense this morning , watching that needle , visions of the car exploding in my mind , willing the car to keep going , get me to work . It did , but now it 's time to make the return trip . Within a few minutes , the needle is climbing and I feel my face tense into a mask . I turn off the radio - my source of distraction and pleasure - so that if the car starts making an unfamiliar sound I 'll hear it right away . Cars don 't explode , do they ? I 've never heard of one exploding . People haven 't been warning me about that since I was a child . And they would have if it were a real possibility , right ? Cars just die if they get too hot , right ? But all that gasoline … This is one of those times I wish I had a cell phone . When I turn left at the Exxon station I crane my neck in the opposite direction of where I am turning , trying to see if they have a mechanics area . No , just the convenience store . I start across the bridge , a mile and a half ( I know because I measured it once ) spanning the Hudson River . There are several phones along the bridge . If I break down here and make a call , people passing will think I 'm on the verge of suicide . That 's what the phones are for . People do jump off this bridge . A friend of mine saw someone hanging from the George Washington Bridge a couple months ago . I cross this bridge twice a day and often think - not of actually wanting to stop and jump myself - but I think of it . I think of how I read once in an article about Golden Gate jumpers that hitting the water is like hitting cement - a survivor said so . Another survivor spoke about the flash of MartaSzabo In the very early 80s I went to the supermarket one afternoon with my father , out in suburbia where he was still living with my mother . They were going from one rental to another after selling the house that had held us together , selling it - a fire sale - to pay creditors , and now my parents - my father jobless , my mother going from one babysitting gig to the next . I am in New York City . I have quit publishing and the 9 - 5 world and I am doing yoga now almost full - time and learning about things like raw food and juicing and I wear baggy violet cotton pants and spaghetti strap cotton camisoles and my body is elastic . I am powerful in that elasticity . My father says something about how maybe he will go back to Hungary . My father seems like such a loser to me . I watch him having to have a drink every day . I watch him always wanting to lose weight , always eating - and I know so much . It 's easy for me not to eat . I have this unique group of friends in the city . We run a yoga school together and we are friends like no one else is friends . We are doing some kind of great work , something Natvar - who started the school - has really mastered and will teach us . Us . Anjani : small , and white - haired , dark - skinned and pretty . Me . Tracy . Mark . Eve . David . When we see each other we kiss on the lips . We are a little dizzy , like being in love . I bounce into the school , having tied up my bicycle down below and when it gets stolen I say it doesn 't matter - and Natvar laughs with delight that I can be so casual . Natvar makes sure we clean down into the tiniest cracks , and he makes sure that Anjani brings up the lights on the dimmer and brings them back down just right during class , and makes sure that the books in the little bookstore - just a set of pretty display shelves that Natvar built before I got here - makes sure each book is laid out with equal space between each one and dusted though no one ever buys . Hardly anyone comes to our classes besides us . When my father says something about going to Hungary , I MartaSzabo I am in the loft on 28th Street , between 7th and 8th , on the south side . The ceiling is high - a tin ceiling , imprinted with a pattern , something from the 19th century . There is thick burgundy carpet under my feet . We take great pride in this carpet . Or Natvar does . I take great relief . The day it was installed , the months of construction were over . Natvar is proud because he says he got a bargain because he impressed the head of the carpet company so much . It does look beautiful . Before the carpet everything looked rough . Now I wear skirts here , mostly a narrow navy blue skirt that reaches past my knees . It is a hand - me - down from Regina and made of light wool . Natvar approves of it . I wear a pink blouse made of well - ironed cotton . It has pleats down the front and buttons in the back . I bought this . I liked it . Some clothes make me look pretty and some don 't . I thought the blouse did , though it 's prim . It 's not the thriftstore clothes I used to buy , the army / navy surplus , the funny jackets . I 've always been very purposeful in what I wear though it doesn 't always look that way . I liked to look elegant by accident . But I dress differently now . Natvar didn 't like my big ballooney drawstring pants . In the beginning he liked everything about me . He seemed to delight in me - we made each other feel good . But now I come up short all the time . I never do anything right . I am ugly , my clothes embarrass him . He wants me wearing clothes from Regina , wants me dressed up , even made up , and I try very hard . I do look ugly now . He 's right . And these clothes and this makeup only seem to emphasise it . But I don 't know how to see . I am standing alone here , moving towards the front door . I am alone in the mornings . Tracy goes to work for Regina in her apartment . I guess I couldn 't be spared . I 'm Natvar 's secretary . He says I 'm terrible at it . But Tracy is our little one , my little sister kind of - about six years younger than me - pert , brunette , petite . She has left her home on Long Island and her yMartaSzabo My sister sends a purple batik silk square from India . The other sister sends me a copy of a paperback book she thinks I should read called Women Who Love Too Much . I am touched by both gifts . I try , but cannot read the book . I speak to mymother on the phone in Lisa 's living room - the living room of the flat I am sharing . The telephone is by the window which looks out into a small inner courtyard that provides light , but not much else . I have never stepped into that courtyard . I think maybe it is possible to do so through Lisa 's bedroom , but perhaps it is sealed off completely . It has no plants , no bench , no fountain . I am glad to hear my mother 's voice , to be able to reassure her that I am back , that I never really meant to go away , that it was a mistake . I want her to know that after many years of hiding from and lying to her , I am me again . She says her sister has just died , that she is going to British Columbia for the funeral . Sometimes I sit in the living room and kitchen which are quite large , spacious and complete with things like a video player , comfortable adult furniture , the " mod - cons " as the London ads call them - modern conveniences . I sit with Lisa and her brother Julian . Lisa has long dark thick curly hair . She is pretty , not terribl smart . She has just bought a microwave and likes to talk about how great it is to come home after word and cook a whole chicken in half an hour . She is having a semi - affair with her boss who gets calls from his wife on the mobile phone in his car when he is giving her rides home . She will let him touch her large breasts , but does not let his hands go further . Julian is handsome and trim , arrogant , sure of himself . When I need to buy pot the night Jeffrey arrives I call Julian and he comes to our door - Jeffrey and I are not staying in my room . We are staying in an exquisitely appointed townhouse that I didn 't know about until the drive back from the airport - a townhouse with several floors , drapes , polished furniture - everything cleaned , ready andPosted by I am in a room where I can close the door . That 's all I want . A room where I can close the door . This one makes me feel like a princess because attached to it , through a second door , is my own bathroom that I do not share with anyone else . It is tiny , but it sparkles it is so new and white and I keep it that way every second because even though he is invisible Natvar is still with me , watching . " How dirty you are . How sloppy . Look at you . Disgusting . " And so I keep it clean clean clean . You 'd think no one ever used that little bathroom . And my clothes are folded on the shelves in the closet like Aliki 's clothes are kept - as if this were the model , this is how it must be done , how it is done best , proof that I am not ill or damaged . My clothes are folded like they are in department stores . I must stay amongst those who do things correctly . I must work hard , make that effort . If I don 't I will slip and slide and be lost amongst the worthless . Peach . The cover for the bed I buy is peach . I take delight in the smoothness of the color , of the fabric , bright in the drab simple room that has one window below the sidewalk . It is September and London and the light is always waning , the sky often grey , but grey in a way that makes the colors complicated . Most days I walk in the park , looking at the shape of black leafless branches against the sky , the water of the pond with the straw - colored rushes , the gravel I walk on . I am eating with my eyes as if I have been starved for a long time . I do the unthinkable and buy watercolors and two brushes , a thick one , a small one and sit at the heavy desk below the window that looks up at people 's legs and I make colors on a white dinner plate and delight when I make a new mysterious blue , a green that has many greens inside of it . I dab the colors on paper . I don 't really paint pictures . I try the branches once - black against the sky - but not in London , a few months later one evening alone in Manhattan . I sit at the dining room table that no one ever eats at , hPosted by I slammed the door . It was metal and it clanged in the empty corridor in which I never saw any of the other doors open , where I never saw another person waiting for the elevator , as if I lived on a stage set of a corridor thirteen floors above street level in which only one apartment had people in it . I went to the stairwell . It was a lot of stairs to descend , but I couldn 't risk standing by the elevator . he might come out , start talking to me , get me to change my mind . He could always do that . He could always get me to change my mind , do what he wanted . I thought he should have been a lawyer . He could make a case for anything . A few weeks ago he had told me that we were invited to some friends for dinner , people I didn 't know very well . On the way home , I brought home a pie from a fancy bakery to take with us . " No , don 't bring it , " he said . I really wanted to . Finally , he said , " I want it . Don 't take it . I want it . " On the way to the subway I was ready to stop for flowers to bring instead . I hated the idea of showing up with nothing . " Why don 't you wait til we 're nearer their house ? " he said . We argued . He won . Finally , on the subway , he showed me the two tickets he had hidden in his pocket - Bruce Springsteen at Madison Square Garden . That 's where we were going . I told the story the next day at the office to the older woman I had become friendly with , emphasizing the surprise part of the story , but she didn 't smile . " Didn 't you think something was up ? " she asked , puzzled . No , I hadn 't . Those little arm twists were normal . I had come about six months ago . Come back after seven years , seven years spent mostly with Natvar in a nightmare . Coming back to New York City , leaving Europe , coming back to the States and to this boyfriend had seemed so fairytale like . When , back in London , I told my friend Aliki that I had suggested to Jeffrey that I come back and live with him again , she said , " You shouldn 't have done that . " Aliki was so old I paid attention when she said things like Posted by I ordered a book secondhand off the internet a month or two ago , a memoir by a woman who had grown up with Krishnamurti being almost her surrogate father . Krishnamurti was originally from India , a boy picked out by the theosophists as an avatar , a holy being , and a man who retained that aura all his life though he put down gurus and spiritual movements in general . It was fairly interesting and I was fully expecting to finish it - not word for word all the way through , but at least a thorough skim - when it disappeared from my living room the day that Mari cleaned the bookshelves . I did read one line in it though that has stuck with me . A friend of Krishnamurti , not Krishnamurti himself , says to the child that she should not kill anything - not even little bugs . " Their life is as precious to them as yours is to you . " But I killed the mosquito at breakfast this morning . It had already bitten me once and was hovering , getting ready for more and though I knew it valued its life etc . I killed it . In yoga they taught us that everybody has billions of lives and that if you kill a bug you can actually be doing it a favor , allowing it to be reborn , hopefully as something with a little more staying power and therefore a greater chance at etc . I liked that theory , that souls come back in different forms . I still like it . Sometimes it explains things that nothing else does . But , while I used to accept reincarnation as true because they said so , I now admit I have no idea and I don 't think anyone else does either . I was driving with my friend Yolanda . She was driving . It was a Saturday morning and she had picked me up to spend a few hours at her house helping her organize her office . She does a lot of things to make a living , one of them is to teach hatha yoga , the form of yoga that most people have heard of by now . You can buy sticky mats in supermarkets . " I have to really watch myself , " she said as we drove down Rock City Road . " Sometimes I hear the things I say in my yoga classes - I have to be careful . " HePosted by It 's funny how my parents , right from the start , from when I first became aware of them , before the two other children were born , when grown - ups were huge , strange creatures , a different species , when my legs stuck straight out when I sat in one of their chairs instead of folding nicely over the edge so that they could be crossed the way adults crossed them - back then I saw my parents as in conflict , in a battle , straining in different directions and against each other . I placed the blame on my mother and tried to make up for her limitations . Otherwise , daddy might leave . I knew he wanted to , could sense his restlessness and eagerness to be gone . And he did go . He was the one who got to leave . On business trips . With great fanfare - the luggage , the passport , the airport , his flushed excitement . He was the one who got to leave . I wanted to leave too . Just like dad . And I did . First chance I got . Nine years old , eagerly showing up for boarding school that was trickier territory than " High Jinks at St . Claire 's " or " More Fun at Mallory Towers " had prepared me for . So when my parents divorced in their sixties it was meaningless , just a signing of papers . But my father calls my mother every weekend . She sends him Christmas and birthday presents and a little extra cash now and then . They turned out to be together forever , not creating - well , they did create separate lives - but never really letting each other go . Maybe because they 're in separate countries they can be so close . I posted the first piece I wrote this weekend , the one from Friday evening , up on my random stories blog . I titled it " Harrassment . " Within half an hour two responses had come in , both threatening . One says , " It 's only just begun . " As I put the mugs out on the counter I noticed my hands were trembling . I imagined them starting to harangue my mother . I even imagined the stress of it shortening her life . It will freak her out if she gets much wind of all this . She 's trying hard to glide through her last years making Posted by I was in a workshop recently , an evening organized by some friends and offered to me free of charge . At one point you were supposed to speak as if a year or two had passed and you were bringing people up - to - date on what had happened in your life . " Well , you all saw Oprah , I guess , " I said when my turn came . Yeah , I could dig all that , the big exposure , talking about Authentic Writing while Oprah sits next to me with a make - believe expression of interest on her face . I could dig all that and sometimes it feels like it 's going to happen . " You 're going to be famous ! " my friend Dinah said as we sat outside the Café Reggio , meeting up for the first time in thirty - five years . She had no doubt and when she said it I didn 't either . I have imagined being one of those people who is famous for a little while and then disappears from view for the rest of their lives . And the whole fame thing ? I don 't know . Yes , I 'm reaching for it though not in the way that people who are really serious about it reach for it - like Madonna who is really famous just for being famous . Some of the emailers accuse me of only wanting fame , and that is so obviously off - the - mark . They aren 't reading what I 've written . They 're freaking out . I called Dinah the other day . She lives in New Zealand so I don 't do it often . Her British voice came through on the answering machine - neither she , nor her husband , nor her three kids were home . I 'd been feeling down , suddenly devoid of energy , a strange feeling , and I was looking forward to her great comfort . I didn 't tell her that on the message though . It was the day the first real avalanche of bad emails was coming in . Fred was away . I didn 't want to think that the cacophony of witch - hunters had anything to do with how I was feeling that day , but it was hard to ignore the synchronicity . I had woken up with a muscle inside one of my shoulder blades freezing up so that by afternoon I was having a hard time turning my head . I wandered into town , something I like to do when I ' mPosted by It was very important to my father what he could tell other people about what I was doing . it seemed to me that he just wanted to be able to say , " My daughter is at Barnard , " or " She is an editor , " or " She is married and has two children . " Things like that . I could tell by the way he reported on the offspring of his business acquaintances . Big Judy comes to mind . Big Judy was around in my childhood , the only daughter of a Hungarian couple with whom my parents were pretty good friends . We 'd go visit them in Philadelphia and the Poconos . they 'd come to see us - in Armonk , even down in Virginia I remember Big Judy coming to stay with us . Big Judy was three years older than me - - almost precisely - and could beat me at practically everything . She wore glasses . I yearned for glasses , thinking they 'd boost my adult qualifications , lying to the eye doctor about what I could and could not see , and even stealing some empty frames when my mother was in the eyeglasses store . Now Big Judy is a professor of archaic Viking languages at a university in northern England . I haven 't spoken to her for about thirty - five years and my parents have almost lost touch with hers . But my father will mention from time to time Judy 's fabulous accomplishments that are so easy to define and I can feel his sense of something missing when he looks at me , that he is really looking at himself , wondering how on earth to tie the scramble of loose ends that are his life into a perfectly presentable package . He lives in Budapest now . He has for the last almost twenty - five years . He went there kind of to take a break and think things over and no better option ever presented itself and now he finds himself stuck there , looking at death , planning for it . In my mother 's note to me last week she said how my aunt - who lives with my dad , her brother - with the assistance of my baby sister - is planning how to prepare for the time when - - my mother details in her note to me - my father will need someone to come in and bathe him , how tPosted by It 's been a long time since I 've written . About three weeks . My life Is changing shape for the first time in seven years and I am not so often in our weekly groups , working on other projects , some that bring in some direct income , some that promise to . Yesterday I had to thumb through all the stories I have posted on - line . Not the guru book , but my other blog . I had to go through those stories , ferreting out a small flood of vile comments that landed there , sprinkled amongst the different stories . I saw all these pages of stories . It made me a little sad for a moment . Like , oh no , my writing life is over . I felt how precious all that writing is . And it 's always different to look backwards and marvel at all the writing that managed to make it through , and to look forward into emptiness . Will there really be more writing ? How will I write if I get the full - time job I interviewed for last Wednesday , dressed in that super - sharp navy linen suit that I 'd found for $ 10 at Woodstock 's consignment shop . Even my friend who met me right afterwards for a walk in the public gardens expressed a little surprise when she first saw me . I think I definitely looked like someone who wanted that job . I do want it , but it feels very strange - strange and exciting - to be possibly on the brink of a full - time job again . I have images in my head of actually worrying about other people 's projects - or , not worrying about them , but suddenly my head being filled with other people 's endeavors instead of my own . I sort of feel like I will be an actor . I will go step into someone else 's play , but it actually feels like a role I 'd like . I cold get into it . They haven 't offered it to me yet , but at the beginning of the interview the woman was saying that she 'd be inviting some people back for a second interview , and by the end of my interview she was saying she 'd like me to come back . But I haven 't even gotten that call yet . I hope I get it on Monday . When I spoke to my mother on the phone I told her I was having this Posted by A voice mail from a man whose name and number don 't show up on the caller ID . He says he 's been reading my blog with great interest and that if I need legal help to call him . His message is hard to plumb - his voice is polite , friendly , but also not frank and casual . You can tell he 's not showing all his cards . I save his message . A friend says she 'll call a local journalist . She thinks the ashram 's threat is newsworthy . Jonathan emails at 7 a . m . , advising me to tell the agent who 's looking at my submission about the threat . He thinks it 'll help . Part of me wants to fold up the drama into a tiny wad of paper , make it disappear and me along with it . Not most of me wants this , but I feel the strong urge to shrink back into the shadows , an urge that for a long time seemed like something good people , pious people , would follow . Let me stand in the shadows until someone peers into the darkness and notices me . That 's what I must wait for . Anything else would be unseemly . Now I push back against that urge to disappear and pretend I am not here . It reminds me of my mother . Lots of things remind me of my mother . The way I worry about money , how even when I have it I am thinking that it won 't last . My father went bankrupt . First , he spent a lot of money . Mostly in the life he had when he wasn 't at home . He had two lives and he liked the one that was separate from us better . in some ways . But he liked to come back to the house to rest and recoup . He brought a leather handbag home once . He tried to use it for a little while . It was the seventies and I think there was a brief fashion attempt to get men to carry handbags . He decided to call up one of those companies that publishes your book for you . He didn 't try to find an agent . I think he submitted it perhaps to one contact , someone his doctor knew and when that didn 't work there was no way he was going to go through the humiliating process of trucking that manuscript around . He 'd do it himself . He gave himself a party at the Waldorf Astoria and invited abPosted by I got a letter from my aunt today . She 's my namesake . Her name is Marta . She 's my father 's younger sister , his only sibling . They were such a picture - perfect family . I 've seen the photos - my grandfather seated way over on one side , gruff , in a suit . Seated way over on the other side , my grandmother - pretty white curls , slim , dignified , faint smile . My aunt - pretty and dark haired draped near her dad , smiling . And my dad - handsome and suave in a suit - standing over his mother . All in sepia tones . My aunt never writes to me . She doesn 't speak much English , but this is a full typed page with some handwritten additions . She explains that she got her goddaughter to translate . It 's all about the apartment and what they should do with it . It 's all about money and how the two of them - my aunt and my father are roommates - will live . I 'll have to read it again to get the details , but I think my aunt is saying she has enough money for herself . So I guess that leaves my dad . She 's asking if I can send money . Otherwise , they might have to sell the apartment . Her grandparents bought it in 1928 . The bank is threatening to take my house back so I can 't help with theirs . I will send a nice letter . I 'll write about how I do love that apartment , but I don 't love it that much . and even if I did it 's beyond my reach . She says that she and my father don 't agree on what to do with the place , how to proceed . It seems like she 's writing behind his back , but his signature appears at the bottom too . At least , I think it 's his signature . I looked closely . This geographic distance between my father and me and my aunt is more than just geography . It 's not a coincidence that we live on different continents . My father says he never intended to be cut off like this , but he was cut off all along , even when we lived in one house . I think of us , say , at the dining room table in the Armonk house . This was the house I 'd known since I was three , though we hadn 't lived there solidly . We 'd move away , Posted by Boy , that was a strange conversation with my mother last night . My mother lives next door to the ashram in a community of people still loyal to the ashram and the guru that I 'm writing about . My mother goes every Sunday morning to chant the Guru Gita , a one - and - a - half - hour Sanskrit chant that I used to do every morning with a few hundred others before breakfast , before dawn . My mother doesn 't chant in the ashram . People are not allowed to visit the ashram anymore so the local devotees have organized their own Guru Gita . It 's on Sunday morning in someone 's home or office and then they hang out for breakfast together , bringing food . My mother often cooks something and brings it . Pretty much all her friends are devotees . My mother is not the pious sort . This is her first religion . But now and then in conversation she 'll surprise me and refer to Gurumayi as if she were a compass point , as a source of truth , as god . On Monday morning this guy from the ashram , calling from about one mile from where my mother lives , called me to tell me to take my guru blog down or they 'll go after me legally . " Okay , " I said , hung up and went on with preparing the three chapters I was going to put up the next morning , and then , because eof the call , I added another chapter that otherwise would have waited a week , a chapter about the weird , ultra - secret rituals we did in the ashram to try and prevent the New York article form coming out . A couple of days go by , filled with messages form the internet , offers of support - financial and otherwise - should I need legal help . And I figure I better call my mother . It had been two weeks - that 's about as long as I ever let it go , plus I thought she must have caught wind of all this . I better check in . My mother wanted only to talk about the little girl next door , the zucchini recipe my sister was sending , the new job she was starting tomorrow . I went along with the chit chat , thinking , okay , maybe I just have to break in and say something , but it was as if my mother was buildinPosted by We moved to Virginia in the middle of first grade just after Kennedy got shot . I didn 't know it then , but we were moving to Virginia because my father had taken a job in the State Department and was all excited to be part of the Kennedy administration , and then a week or two before we depart Kennedy is killed , so the whole move began , I guess , on the wrong foot . We stayed two years . I was six and seven and eight , and it seemed like a long time to me then . We lived in five different places during those two years . I had my tonsils out , went to two schools and my mother gave birth to my second sister . A disappointment . I 'd been hoping for a brother . My grandmother from British Columbia visited for the birth . My grandparents from Hungary came out of Communist Hungary for two visits , or maybe just one . I played at being a cripple - walking awkwardly on sticks the way the blonde girl , Claudia , walked in our second - grade class . I was envious of her crutches . They seemed exotic , interesting . The last place we lived was a skyscraper and it felt temporary even to me , a little like staying in a hotel . I had never lived in an apartment before . I liked it . I liked the elevator with the buttons you pressed and the pool downstairs I could go to by myself and I liked the way there was a gang of kids and we could roam around the building , doing what we wanted . We could buy PayDay candy bars in the lobby . We could meet in the basement and look at Playboy magazines . I started piano lessons that summer with a woman in the building . I had two books - one for playing , one for learning how to read music . I practiced on a toy electric organ that I 'd had since I was three . The teacher was angry when she heard after a few weeks that this was all I 'd been practicing on . When we left the apartment and came back to our old house in New York , my mother got a second - hand piano with a tall straight back and put it in a corner of the living room by where the stairs went up . I had asked for a long time to take piano lessons , but now I didn Posted by My mother lives in a small white clapboard house . When I drove up last week I noticed the paint is peeling . It needs a new paint job . I wish I could offer to have her house re - painted . I remember when it was done a few years ago , how good and bright it looked . I hate the sad way the paint is peeling now , that hopeless sign that there isn 't money to fix it . It hurts me , this sense that she might be feeling any pain at all , and at the same time I know it 's crazy - my mother doesn 't care if her paint is peeling , just like I don 't care much that mine is . Our peeling paint doesn 't make either of us suffer , just my seeing hers does . There 's a small stretch of grass in front of my mother 's house and then the road and then a large fake - Tudor house directly opposite . Inside the Tudor house lives a couple in their young mid - fifties and their adopted daughter . The couple is a little bit like my mother 's kids - they often act like a daughter and a son - in - law - and the little girl is the closest my mother has to a grandchild . The girl has real red hair . She is nine years old and pretty big for her age . They 've had her since she was a few months old . The woman and the little girl are going to move to Iowa where the woman 's parents live . The parents have each had strokes and the woman wants to go take care of them . She has always at least half - wanted to move back to Iowa and the country land where her original family is . The husband doesn 't want to go . He is going to stay . They will visit once a month . They say they are not separating or getting a divorce . It makes me a little nervous . I guess because having the couple and the little girl across the street has always seemed to me part of the fragile structure that has come into being almost of its own accord , the structure that takes care of my mother . When I arrive my mother is ironing for the woman across the street , something she does for pay . She keeps ironing as I sit on the couch and look at old photographs she found lately - pictures of my grandmPosted by When I left L . A . it was a little like awakening from a dream - at least for awhile . I 'd gone to L . A . with Jeffrey because I had nothing else to do and he wanted to be a movie director . I 'd stayed there three years . I had often wanted to leave , but that took money and I never had any after pay day . And then my publishing job invited me to go back with the company to New York City . I didn 't hesitate for a second . Yes , I said , count me in . I want to go back to Manhattan . I never liked this palm tree town . And buy my plane ticket and pay for my records and my books and my stereo to all go back with me . It was a dream come true . It wasn 't so easy getting out of L . A . Jeffrey made a huge fuss . When he didn 't like things I did he had a way of throwing them back to me as crimes , like all of a sudden he loved me in ways I 'd never imagined and I must be the most cold - hearted person in the world . So he had me crying a lot and freezing up into depressions , trying to twist my insides so that when they showed they looked right , but I made it out of town because the company was waiting and even Jeffrey couldn 't take on the company . So I flew out of town in February 1981 , 23 years old , reading The French Lieutenant 's Woman and seeing someone with a Walkman for the first time on that plane . I thought it would be so easy . Slide into Manhattan , join the crowds with their brand new Walkmans on the sidewalk . They would propel me along with them . But the very first night , my first night back in Manhattan , I am in my friend Thea 's apartment . She is out of town and letting me stay a few nights and she 's not that great a friend like I had once thought . She 's a Vogue model now , traveling round the world and buying $ 500 cowboy boots in Soho when she feels like it . Her apartment is a squalid , dark studio on Sixth Avenue just north of Eighth Street and I 'm stranded . I don 't know why . Now that I 'm here , it doesn 't seem so easy to go out and join those crowds on the sidewalk . They will not take me in . I call Jeffrey Posted by During the last of my three years living in L . A . with Jeffrey a book came out called Sugar Blues . It was about 1980 when this book came out , a paperback with a dark blue cover . Jeffrey told me about it . " Maybe that 's why you 're depressed all the time , " he said . " You should try not eating sugar and see if it helps . " Jeffrey was a repository for new - frontier psychological theories . When I first met him , a few years before when he was 19 and I was 18 he suggested I go see a shrink . The possibility had never ever occurred to me . But Jeffrey said he saw one and I could too , and it wouldn 't cost anything if I went to the school clinic . Jeffrey was a Psych major . Not because he wanted to be a shrink but , I think , because it was an easy major and he was mostly interested in things like the effects of hallucinogens . He liked being told how people 's minds worked and being able to explain things . His sister - almost his twin - was getting her PhD in Psych , on an unambivalent express path to becoming a shrink . She added generously to Jeffrey 's stock of theories . I was about 23 when Jeffrey told me about Sugar Blues . No one had ever said anything bad about sugar before except that it made you fat , of course , and gave you cavities . But depression ? That seemed so weird . " You have to stop eating any sugar , " Jeffrey said , throwing a bottle of coke into the freezer , and of course I had to try . Otherwise , it would look like I wanted to be unhappy . Maybe it was that simple too . Maybe I just had to stop eating sugar . I reached for crackers at the office , then thought to look at the list of ingredients . They had sugar in them . Most of the things I picked up to eat - even if they weren 't sweet - ended up having sugar in the list of ingredients . I thought if I swallowed any at all I 'd be guilty of welcoming depression . I got up early in the morning to be at work by 9 . Jeffrey stayed in bed . He didn 't have an office to go to . He could spend all day in this one - bedroom cottage with the wall - to - wall lime - coloPosted by I write , then come up for air , then look at what I have unearthed . It usually looks like just a handful of dust , not worth much . I could easily toss it out and forget about it . But I don 't . Not anymore . I add it to the pile . I am not sure what I am building , but this is all I have . For some reason , it is my most precious thing , the one thing that feels purely my own . In addition to regular workshops in Woodstock , NY , I offer one Authentic Writing workshop a month in Manhattan , always on a Saturday morning . If you want to write or to deepen the writing you are doing , please come along ! We meet at TRS , 40 Exchange Place , 3rd Floor . You will take home a great deal of writing plus the momentum and enthusiasm to continue . For more info : AuthenticWriting . com |
Feedback : Annie Blair had wondered how long it would take for Jim to start questioning him about his life with Naomi once she 'd gone . As it turned out , it didn 't take long . In fact , no sooner had Blair arrived back at the loft from dropping his mom off at the airport than Jim was peppering him with questions . It was , Blair thought somewhat ruefully , as he answered as many as he could in the briefest and most unenlightening way possible , probably the most Jim had spoken in a sitting since Blair had known him . " Hey , it 's no biggie . I mean I don 't know anything about your family . " Blair shrugged casually as if to give the impression it didn 't bother him , though truth be told it really did . There were times when he was burning with curiosity over Jim 's family . After all , who knew if Sentinel gifts were perhaps passed on genetically ? Burton certainly hadn 't mentioned anything about that in his book but then , not a lot was known about genes and DNA back in his day , so Blair guessed that wasn 't too surprising . Now Jim shrugged then walked away , over to the living room , where he flicked on the TV . " Couldn 't tell you , " he said . " I 've told you I don 't remember anything like this happening to me when I was a kid . " Blair narrowed his eyes suspiciously . He was never sure when Jim deflected his questions about his childhood whether it was that Jim really didn 't remember or whether it was just that - deflection - because Jim had good reasons for not wanting to talk about it . As Jim well knew now , since meeting Joe Moreton , and most recently , Naomi , Blair 's own childhood hadn 't been all picket fences and roses either . But speaking of his own childhood brought up something else he 'd been meaning to tell Jim . " You going to be able to manage without me if I take off for a few days ? " he asked casually . " We all have grandparents , Jim . I mean , Naomi didn 't just spring from the earth fully formed , you know . " Blair grinned as Jim shook his head . " I never mentioned Naomi till I pretty much had to either , did I ? " Blair sighed . " We kind of lost contact with them , or rather they deliberately lost contact with us , when Naomi decided to take me and move out of their home , " he explained . " We 'd lived with them from the time I was born till I was about 3 when Naomi decided that traveling the world would be a better education for me than staying in a small town and going to the same school . " Blair couldn 't help the tinge of bitterness that laced his tone . He 'd never really been sure that he wouldn 't have preferred to have done just that . Blair gave a small shrug . " To tell the truth I don 't really remember much about living there . Like I said I was only 3 when we left . " What he did remember but didn 't say aloud was the night they 'd left , though it was more an impression of noises than anything concrete . People shouting at each other , his mother crying loudly as she dragged him out of the arms of a big man Blair assumed must have been his grandfather . The anger implicit in the shouting terrified him and he remembered vividly bursting into tears and adding his sobs to the cacophony assaulting him . Within minutes the door had slammed behind him and the next thing he had any real memory of was living in a small commune with some of Naomi 's free spirit friends . " Must have been tough for such a little kid , " Jim observed softly . " Hey , I 'll be fine . You go see your grandparents . " He held up one hand as his cell phone rang and he picked it up off the table . " Ellison , " he said into the receiver . " You 're kidding ? What about Homicide ? This should be their case , shouldn 't it ? " He gave a heavy sigh and looked over at Blair . " Okay , sir . We 'll check it out . " He disconnected the call and put his phone in his pocket then went across and grabbed both his and Blair 's jackets from the coat hooks , handing Blair 's over to him . " Any chance you can hang off on that visit for a little while ? We 've just picked up a murder case . " " Guy 's some bigwig computer guy . Works for the government from time to time retrieving lost data . Seems the commissioner knows him personally so he wants Major Crime to take it on . " Jim let Blair out through the door first then locked it and they headed for the elevator . The house they 'd been directed to was set back from the darkened street , tall trees shading its exterior even more . Blair got a creepy kind of prickling at the back of his neck as he and Jim made their way up the graveled driveway to the front door . It was a sensation he often got when attending crime scenes , no matter that he 'd been doing so for some months now . He wondered briefly if Jim still felt the same way or if you just got used to it eventually . Jim tossed him a reassuring smile over his shoulder as they reached the porch . " Eerie place , " he said as he rung the doorbell and Blair couldn 't help an answering smile crossing his own face at the thought that once again Jim seemed to be able to read his mind . The smile was wiped away the minute they stepped inside though and Blair saw a man and a woman with a young baby seated on the couch in the living room . The man and woman were both crying , and the baby was wailing as the woman rocked her almost frantically back and forth . Jim and Blair both walked across to speak to the first responder , a uniformed patrolman named Dan McGinty whom they both knew well . " Hey , Jim , Blair . " McGinty lowered his voice a little and turned away from the small family group on the couch . " Victim is a 23 year old woman named Laura Barnes . She was shot twice in the chest at what appears to be close range while she was asleep in bed . We haven 't recovered the weapon yet . The people over there are Dennis Barnes , her husband , local bigwig computer genius , and Polly Brewster , the victim 's younger sister . The baby belongs to Dennis and Laura . Katy Barnes , 8 months old . " Blair looked surreptitiously at the people on the other side of the living room . Now , looking more closely he could see the one he 'd thought was a woman was a young girl , probably not more than 15 years old . She handled the child on her lap deftly though , which had perhaps given the impression she was older . The man looked middle - aged , his hair thinning and his face pock - marked with the scars of old acne . He was chain smoking as he sat there , lighting one cigarette off the butt of another then grinding the old one out in an overflowing ashtray at his side . Blair cringed at that , with the baby sitting right beside him but looking around he saw there were ashtrays everywhere , most of them used . There 'd apparently been no concession made to the lungs of a small child in this house . " No idea . She was gone by the time we got here . Barnes and the girl say they don 't know where she is . Polly said Chloe came into her room just before the shooting happened and asked her to show her how to take the safety off a gun . Apparently she didn 't think much of it at the time . I get the impression they handle guns in this house as much as they do knives and forks , " McGinty said with a grimace . Blair followed Jim out to what turned out to be a laundry room . On top of a washing machine were several empty pill bottles and an empty glass that appeared to have contained water . Jim picked up the pill bottles with a gloved hand and examined the labels . " Darvocet and Dyazide , " he said . " I know Darvocet is a painkiller . What 's Dyazide do ? " " It 's used for high blood pressure , " Blair put in . He shrugged at Jim 's quizzical look . " Mrs . Mulroney down the hall takes it . I sometimes pick up her meds for her when she can 't get out . " Blair nodded . He knew what Jim was asking him to do . Be nice , play the sympathy card and see if anything unusual was said . He wasn 't a cop so anything they said couldn 't be used in evidence as it could be if they 'd been read their rights , but he was good at observing people , their facial expressions , tone of voice , the nuances of what they might say under stress . It could help down the road somewhere . Blair wandered back into the living room and sat down in a chair opposite the couch where Barnes , Polly , and the baby were sitting . " My name 's Blair Sandburg , " he said . " I 'm a consultant with the police department . " " No , um , actually I 'm an anthropologist , " Blair said quickly . " Look , I just wanted to say I 'm really sorry for your loss . It must have been awful to find your wife like that . And you 've got a baby too . " He leaned forward and patted Katy 's hair gently , getting a gummy grin in return . " Yeah , I know , " Barnes replied , " but to go this far . I mean , Chloe 's always been a handful and I 've been telling her mom for some time now that I thought she needed to see a counselor or something but to go this far … " He shook his head then lit up another cigarette and sank back in his chair . " She tried to kill me too ! " Polly said suddenly , as if the memory had only just come back to her . " In my room . I was in there with Katy and I heard a noise and looked toward the door and I saw the shadow of someone standing there . Then there was a gunshot and Katy started screaming . Whoever it was went away and I got up and closed the door and sat with my back against it and then a few minutes later I heard two more shots . That 's when Dennis came home . I was scared . I think Chloe was going to kill me and Katy too . " The words came in a rush as if now that she 'd remembered it , she had to tell it all at once . " What sort of trouble has she been in ? " Blair asked , sitting back to make himself seem less confrontational . Something about these two was pinging his radar but there was nothing he could definitively put his finger on yet . Instead he waited and let them talk . Jim cautiously edged open the door to the little trailer home parked out back . Almost instantly he recoiled from the odor and hastily took his sense of smell down a notch or three . He looked over at McGinty with a wry and sympathetic eye . McGinty , who didn 't have the benefit of Sentinel dials , looked like he was about to puke . " You okay there , Dan ? " he asked . " It 's a little ripe in there , " Dan said , putting one hand over his nose then taking a furtive peek through the door . " Dog feces all over the floor . Girl was no housekeeper . Looks clear though . No one inside . " Jim took a look himself then closed the door . " Kinda strange , " he remarked . " You see the inside of the big house ? Every electronic gadget you can buy , expensive furniture , clean as a whistle , yet the man 's own daughter lives out here in this dump ? " He shook his head . Something was wrong here but the tingle in the back of his mind would have to wait for now . First they had to find Chloe . The trailer was pulled up against a dog run . Three little yappy dogs ran around inside , barking their shaggy little heads off . Jim decided to edge his hearing down too , at least till they could find out what Barnes wanted to do about the dogs . One of them , a little puppy that looked not much more than a few months old , kept squeezing out between a gap in the gate and the chain link fence . Jim picked it up the third time it escaped then opened the gate and carried it back in . " See if you can find something to block that gap , " he called to McGinty . It was even darker here in the dog run than it had been in the yard outside the fence , as the trailer blocked the light from inside the house . Jim put the little puppy down and bent to pet it in an effort to quiet its whimpering . The other two dogs had run away from him as he 'd entered and gone inside one of the two kennels within the enclosure . A sound caught his attention and he nudged his hearing back up a little then tilted his head in the direction the sound had come from . Stepping closer to the other kennel , he bent down and peered inside . At first he thought it was another dog lying inside , but , allowing his eyesight to compensate for the shadow , he was able to make out the form of a small person lying curled on the floor of the kennel . " Chloe ? " he called softly , not wanting to startle her . " Chloe , I 'm a policeman . I 'm here to help . Give me your hand . " She staggered against him and he grabbed her around the waist to keep her from falling . She smelt of vomit and stale urine and Jim was grateful he 'd kept his sense of smell down . In one hand she clutched something and Jim gently unfurled her fingers and took it from her as he walked her towards the gate . Once there , McGinty took her , calling for an ambulance as he led her towards the front of the house . Jim stood in the light from the laundry doorway and looked at what he 'd taken from the girl 's hand . It was a piece of paper , rolled into a scroll with a piece of yellow ribbon around it . He untied the ribbon and flattened out the paper then scanned the writing . " We found her . She 's on her way to the hospital . " Jim shook his head and held the piece of paper out so Blair could read it . " Pretty much amounts to a confession , doesn 't it ? These two have anything interesting to say ? " Jim shook his head . " If what she 's saying is true though , we might be able to match the bullet in her room from the ones in the victim . " He looked away from Blair as Dennis Barnes stood up and came across to them . " Mr . Barnes , we found Chloe . She 's in a pretty bad way . Seems she took an overdose of various pills . She 's on her way to the hospital . We can organize a ride for you there , if you 'd like . " Barnes shook his head , no emotion at the news showing in his flat expression . " I want to take Polly and Katy over to my parents ' house . This is the home number , " he held out a card and handed it to Jim , " you can reach me on that if you need to . " " You sure you don 't want to see Chloe ? " Blair asked , unable to keep the surprise from his voice . The girl had apparently shot the man 's wife but still , she was just a kid , and a pretty sick one from what Jim had said . " I just can 't deal with anything like that tonight . All this stress is upsetting my stomach . I 'm not a well man , " Barnes replied . " I just need to get away from here . " The contrast between Polly 's room and the trailer that Chloe had so recently called home was startling . A four poster bed dominated the room and the matching bureaus were of high quality wood . Their tops were stacked with ornamental dolls and fluffy teddy bears . A large television and a video player sat in one corner , piles of movies on top . The room was spotlessly clean . The walls were decorated with several large wall hangings , plush tigers and lions cavorting with their young . " Me either . " Jim held up his hand for silence then slowly turned in a circle , his sight dialed up . He stopped once his back was to the doorway then looked along the line of sight a gun barrel would have taken . " Bingo , " he murmured , calling one of the CSUs over to photograph the bullet hole then pulling his penknife and gloves from his pocket . Walking across to the bed , he peered at the wall hanging behind it . Sure enough there was a hole , right through the tiger 's chest . He made a small cut with the penknife and wiggled the bullet free from where it had lodged in the wall behind the hanging . Blair nodded and left the room . " Let me guess , " Blair said as he entered the bullpen the next morning . He 'd left the loft earlier than Jim to teach a class at the university . " The bullets matched . " " So did I , " Jim replied . He rubbed at his jaw thoughtfully . " I don 't know . Something 's not right here , but Chloe 's now made a statement admitting to shooting her stepmom and the bullets match up . There 's not much else to be done . " " What 'll happen to her ? " Blair asked . His blood ran cold at the thought of a fourteen year old girl being sentenced to life in prison , no matter what she 'd done . " She 'll probably get eighteen to life though at her age that 'll more likely max out to her serving time at a juvie center till she 's twenty one , " Jim replied . " Look , you want to take a ride out to the hospital ? Talk to her ? I need to get her official Q & A done anyway . " " She did , but only to the doctor on call in the ER last night . The court may not even accept that as a confession , though along with the note she had in her hand when I found her , I 'm pretty sure they will . " Jim punched the elevator button forcefully . " I just want to hear it from her , okay ? " " I found you at your father 's house the other night , " Jim went on . He sat down in the chair at the side of the bed , hoping she 'd be less intimidated then . " I 'd like to ask you some questions but first I need to read you your rights and we need to have your father or mother here before I do that , okay ? " She nodded again but Jim wasn 't at all sure that she did . He turned to look at Blair then stood up and motioned him to the doorway . " Go call her father and ask him to come in while I talk to her . " He turned to smile reassuringly at Chloe . " I 'll be back in just a few minutes , all right ? " He left the room behind Blair and approached the nurses station , showing his badge to the woman seated there . " Can you tell me if Chloe Barnes has had any visitors ? " he asked . " An attorney or her father ? " The woman reached for a file and opened it . " It 's a locked wing so all visitors are logged in and out , " she said , perusing the papers . " No , none , " she said , looking up at Jim . " Okay , thanks . " Jim walked back to Chloe 's room to wait for Blair . He felt torn over this case . Instead of being glad they 'd been able to solve it so quickly , he felt a nagging doubt and deep sadness for the girl in the hospital room . " Hey , Jim , you won 't believe it , " Blair said , coming up to him . " Her father says he 's not up to coming to see her . However , he has retained an attorney for her and the guy 's going to meet us here . His office is just down the block so he 'll be here in about fifteen minutes . " Jim looked up and groaned as he saw a florid - faced little man in a too tight suit hurrying towards him . He knew Armando Flores only too well . The guy was nothing more than an ambulance - chaser , a sleazy excuse for an attorney , and Jim couldn 't help but wonder why Dennis Barnes would have engaged someone like this for his daughter 's defense when he could have easily afforded one of the best defense attorneys in Cascade . " Mr . Flores , " he said politely , rising to his feet . " I 'd like to interview your client but in view of her age I thought it 'd be best to have someone standing up for her interests when I do so . " " I appreciate the courtesy call , " Flores said . " Her father has instructed me to allow you full access to Chloe . She 'll be waiving her right to not speak to you . " Jim managed to stop his utter shock at that showing on his face . Behind Flores , however , Blair 's mouth had dropped open in complete and obvious surprise . Jim shrugged then turned and opened the door , leading the way back into the girl 's room . " Sorry to keep you waiting , Chloe , " he said as he entered and sat back down at her bedside . " That 's it ? " Blair couldn 't keep the incredulity from his voice as he followed Jim out of Chloe 's room and over to the elevator ? " She says she can 't remember and we just let it go at that ? She remembered enough to make a confession to the doctor . " Jim patted his shoulder as they stood side by side , waiting for the elevator . " She also told us ' if Laura 's dead , I must have done it ' . Not exactly a confession but tying it in with what she told the doctor and the evidence we already have - " " Circumstantial evidence is still evidence . In many cases it 's better than eye witnesses because witnesses can lie , " Jim said patiently . " Look , let it go , Chief . There 's nothing more we can do . She 'll go to trial , her lawyer may even go for a temporary insanity defence . Why don 't you take that break now , before Simon comes up with anything else for us to do ? Go see your grandparents . " " Yeah , about that , " Blair said . " I 've kind of been having second thoughts about it . I mean , I haven 't seen them since I was a kid . What if they don 't want to see me ? " Jim pushed him forward out of the elevator as the doors opened . " You said that about Joe Moreton too and he was thrilled to see you . Do it or you 'll always wonder what would have happened if you hadn 't . " There seemed to be a world of regret in Jim 's voice with that statement and Blair finally nodded . " Yeah , you 're right . I guess I should call first , find out if they 'll be home . Naomi gave me the address and phone number before she left . " Blair climbed in and cast a rueful grin across at Jim as he slid behind the steering wheel . " Not exactly , " he admitted . " She just knew , with my contacts in the PD these days , I could probably get them for myself anyway . " Blair brightened at that . " Deal , " he said . Besides he was pretty sure it was going to take all the Irish courage Jim could pour down his throat for him to make the call . Blair took a deep , shaky breath and smoothed back his hair one more time . He 'd tied it back in a neat ponytail and even removed his earring in concession to his grandparents ' undoubtedly more old fashioned values . He 'd even given serious thought to getting his hair cut for this particular visit but had brushed the idea off quickly . If his grandparents wanted to meet him and get to know him , they 'd have to accept him warts and all , or long hair and all as the case may be . Finally , summoning up his last vestige of courage he raised his hand and rang the doorbell . He 'd barely lowered his hand when the door opened by a small , plump gray - haired woman . " Blair ? " she said hesitantly . When he nodded , she grinned delightedly and opened the door wider , beckoning him inside . " I 'm your grandmother , Ruth , " she said . Blair stood for a moment , looking around , trying to summon up any memories of this place he 'd once called home . Nothing seemed familiar though and he turned and smiled at his grandmother . " It 's good to see you , " he said . " Oh , it 's wonderful to see you , Blair , " she replied . " Come , come , into the living room . I 've made coffee and cookies . Oatmeal and raisin , they were your favorite . " " Still are , " Blair replied , giving an answering grin . He breathed a sigh of relief as some of his nervousness dissipated . " Is my grandfather here ? " " Well , it doesn 't matter , " his grandmother said , ushering him towards a plump armchair in front of a small table . " He 'll always be your Zeda anyway . Sit , sit . I 'll go tell Samuel you 're here . " She walked across and enveloped him in a warm hug then hurried from the room . Blair sat down in the chair and took a few deep breaths . So far so good , he told himself . Jim had been right . It was nothing like as bad as he 'd worried it would be . He looked up as he heard footsteps then got his feet as his grandmother re - entered the room , a tall man at her back . " Hmm . " His grandfather nodded , shook his hand briefly then walked across and sat down in another of the armchairs . He was thin and pale , his hair sparse and gray , his face more deeply lined than Blair would have expected for a man his age . " See she managed to turn you into a hippie too . " Blair 's hand unconsciously flew to his hair and he brushed a few strands back nervously . " Mom , you mean ? No , this is all my own look , " he said quickly as he sat back down and took the cup of coffee his grandmother offered him . " I told you , Samuel , Blair works with the police now . He probably has to wear his hair like that when he goes undercover . " Blair grinned as her voice dropped to a whisper as if the walls might have ears . " Well , I 'm just a consultant to the PD . I 'm actually a TA at Rainier University . I 'm studying for my PhD in anthropology , " he replied , taking one of the cookies from a plate and nibbling at it , smiling at his grandmother . " This is delicious , " he said . " She has a name , Samuel , a name you chose , " Ruth replied , an edge to her voice . She smiled apologetically at Blair . " Naomi wasn 't much for book learning . We didn 't worry about it when she was a child . Back then girls were expected to just get married and have children - " " Samuel , enough ! Blair came for a nice visit . We haven 't seen him in so long . Please don 't spoil this for me , or for him . " Blair 's grandmother 's eyes were filled with tears now and Blair felt a surge of anger rise . " Naomi is a great mother , " he said . " If it hadn 't been for her , I wouldn 't have even made it to university . I started when I was only 16 and she worked hard to keep me there till I could pay my own way . " Samuel just picked up his coffee cup and sipped at it but Ruth smiled warmly at him . " I 'm sure she did . She loved you from the moment you were born . " Samuel slammed his cup down on the table and rose to his feet . " That was Naomi 's problem , " he said , " she loved everyone . " He looked over at Blair , his eyes cold . " She didn 't even know who your father was but we took her in anyway . We put up with the gossip from the neighbors when you were born and then she decided she wanted her freedom . Fine , I said , go , leave the boy with us . We 'll raise him right . But no , she dragged you along with her . You shouldn 't have come , " he added , walking out of the room . " Too much time has passed , too many hurts unhealed . " " Don 't say that , " his grandmother said as he rose to his feet . " You 're right . Naomi is a good mother and you 're a good son to her . She raised you well , Blair . I 'm sorry about Samuel . He has Alzheimers . He has so much trouble remembering the present that he lives in the past . " She hurried across and embraced him . " Please stay in touch , Blair . I don 't want to lose you again . Soon your Zeda will be gone and I 'll be alone . " Blair hugged her back tightly then pulled back and kissed her forehead . " You won 't be alone , Bubbe . I 'll stay in touch , I promise . But I 'd better get going . Maybe we can meet for lunch in town sometime . " Ruth sniffed and dabbed at her eyes with a handkerchief . " Well , I do have to shop sometimes , " she said , a small smile lightening her face . " And Zeda hates to shop . " He should have been surprised to see Jim 's truck pulled up next to his own car as he left the house but he wasn 't , not really . For a moment though his heart skipped a beat as he worried that something had happened to Naomi but as he got closer , the broad grin on Jim 's face dispelled his concern . " Hey , what are you doing here ? Stalking me ? " Blair said with an answering smile as he leaned his arms on the driver 's side window of the truck . " Jim , no way is this little town in the neighborhood of Cascade , " Blair said . " So , really , why are you here ? Is everything okay ? " " Everything 's fine . Things are slow at the station so I asked Simon if I could extend my leave to a week . Thought we could maybe do some camping , see the sights before I have to head back for the Barnes trial . " Jim shrugged . " She called , wanted to know how the visit had gone . I told her you 'd only just left because of the case we were working on . She seemed to think you might need a little moral support . " " Drive it back to the motel I 'm staying in and leave it there for a few days , " Jim suggested . He pointed to the back of the truck . " I 've got all the camping gear we 'll need . " Blair looked back at the house and saw his grandmother standing at the window . He waved brightly to her then went and climbed into his car . ~ oOo ~ It had been a great trip , Blair thought as he walked out of the PD elevator and headed for the bullpen . They 'd been back two days and this was the first time he 'd been at the station since they 'd returned . They 'd mostly spent their time hiking the back trails and sitting round the campfire , swapping tall tales about previous trips they 'd been on . Jim hadn 't prodded him to talk about his visit to his grandparents and Blair had been grateful for that . His disappointment was still too raw . He needed time to process it all first before he could even begin to give voice to his emotions . " She didn 't testify . Poor kid looked as if she had no idea what was going on . Her lawyer pled her out . She got eighteen to life , " Jim said gravely . " Nothing more we can do , " Jim said . " I did ask the guard to give her my card , in case she needs anything . Somehow I don 't think her father 's going to stand by her and her mom seems unable to cope with the whole mess . " The voice on the other end was young , female , and almost - familiar but Blair couldn 't place it . " Who 's calling ? " he asked . " He 's asleep but I could take a message - " " Chloe Barnes . I have to speak to him . There 's something I need to ask him , to tell him … Please ! I only have ten minutes call time . " The girl sounded desperate now and Blair gave in . Jim rolled over and was up sitting on the side of the bed in an instant . He rubbed at his eyes then grabbed for his bathrobe from the end of the bed and pulled it on . " What about ? " he asked as he headed downstairs . " She didn 't say . Just that she really needed to talk to you . " Blair watched as Jim went over and picked up the phone . Momentarily he wished he was a Sentinel so he could eavesdrop on Chloe 's end of the conversation but then Jim said , " Hang on a minute , Chloe , I 'm putting you on speaker so my partner can listen in . " " I had to . My dad said she was going to have him killed and I couldn 't lose my dad . He said he couldn 't do it because he 'd go to jail and he 's sick and he 'd die there . Polly couldn 't because she 's older than me and she 'd get longer in jail but he said everyone would just think I 'd gone crazy … Can you help me ? " Chloe asked plaintively . " Not exactly . He gave me the gun before he left the house and he said , ' She 's going to do it soon . I 'm leaving . I 'm not saying you have to do anything but if you really love me you 'll make sure Laura can 't go through with what she 's planning . ' There was a shaky intake of breath on the other end then Chloe went on , " My phone time 's up . Will you come and see me ? " Jim looked over at Blair and nodded then picked up the phone , switching off the recorder as he did so . " We 'll be there tomorrow morning . Chloe , you don 't tell anyone else about this , all right ? " Jim nodded . " Trouble is , I don 't know if it 'll help Chloe . Even if her dad told her to do it and we can prove it , she still committed the act . " " There is that , " Jim agreed . He looked at the clock . " Want to go out and grab some lunch ? I need to fill Simon in on this anyway . We can ask him to meet us . " Blair looked across the interview room table at the teenager sitting opposite . Chloe looked drained and pale but at last she 'd told the truth . Now they just needed to find a way to get at least some justice both for her and for Laura Barnes . Chloe nodded . " But he won 't come . He doesn 't care about me now . He 's got Polly . A friend told me she 's even wearing Laura 's clothes and she tells everyone that Katy is her baby , hers with my dad . " Chloe shook her head . " I 'm not sure . I left it on top of the washer when I took the pills . I guess either Polly or my dad took it and put it somewhere . " " Before my dad left . He said , * if * I was going to do something to Laura , it would look better if it looked like I tried to kill myself . He said his pills were proper medicines so they wouldn 't really hurt me , just make me a bit sick , " Chloe replied . " Not then , " she replied , " but later , when my dad didn 't even come see me in the hospital , I knew then that maybe he was hoping they would kill me . " She looked down at her hands and fumbled with a tissue Blair passed across to her . A fat teardrop rolled down her face and plopped onto the tabletop . " I thought he loved me , " she whispered , sounding stricken . " But he just used me . " " Why would your dad want Laura dead ? " Jim asked , after waiting a few moments for the girl to compose herself . " Do you believe she was really planning on having him killed ? " " At the time he told me I did because he said she wanted the insurance money but then I found out he doesn 't have any insurance . He 's too sick so he can 't get it . But he got lots of money when Laura died , " Chloe replied . " How do you know that ? " Jim asked , leaning forward . They hadn 't checked into insurance policies once Chloe had been arrested and the trial had been curtailed by her plea of guilty . " There 's a friend of Laura 's who works at the bank my dad uses . She called me last week and told me , " Chloe said . " She 's the one who told me about Polly wearing Laura 's clothes and stuff . She also said Polly 's pregnant with my dad 's baby . She was real angry that they 'd just forget about Laura like that so she called me and told me about the insurance . " " What 's her name and the name of the bank ? " Jim asked , pulling over a pen and notepad . " Melanie Brookes . She works at Cascade First National . " " Okay . " Jim stood up then walked around to pat Chloe 's shoulder . " Remember , don 't speak to anyone about any of this . We 'll be back in touch if we need to set up the visit from your dad . " " Yes , I really think it will . " Jim stopped then looked gravely down at her . " You realize your dad will go to jail and that this won 't get you out , right ? " " Well ? " Simon Banks perched on the edge of Jim 's desk and waited for an update . " Did the bank teller verify the kid 's story ? " " Good . You know , Jim , I 'm all for helping this poor kid out if she wasn 't totally responsible for what went down but I can 't hold you off other cases forever , " Simon said . " Besides which - " " Somehow that doesn 't seem all that important in the grand scheme of things , " Jim replied . " There 's a fourteen year old girl locked up for something she would never have done without her father 's machinations . I 'm finding it a little hard to have sympathy for anyone in the case except Laura Barnes , her baby , who 's now growing up without her mother , and Chloe Barnes . " " This is better than nothing at all , " Blair put in as he flopped down in his chair next to Jim 's desk . He handed over a piece of paper to Jim . " Signed , sealed , and now all we have to do is deliver it , " he said . " Just a thought . You didn 't find the gun in the house and the kid didn 't have it on her when you pulled her out of that kennel so sounds like she might be telling the truth about where she left it , " Simon said . " You didn 't search the grieving family when they left the house that night , I take it ? " Jim shook his head . " And have the Commissioner down on our heads for treating the sorrowful widower as a suspect ? Besides at that point there didn 't seem to be any reason to . " He glowered darkly . " Barnes was pretty convincing at the time and everyone was pretty sure the girl was the shooter . " " Well , what if Barnes does have the gun ? " Simon went on . " If he hasn 't gotten rid of it yet , Chloe saying she 's going to the cops as well as the news we 're about to subpoena his financials might just scare him into getting rid of it . " " Suck it up , Princess , you 'll survive , " Jim said with a grin . " Okay , " he stood up and picked up the subpoena . " Let 's get this show on the road . " " Okay , you guys head on out and wait up around the block . I 'll radio if he makes a move , " Jim said , winding his window back up and watching as Rafe drove away . " Now , we wait , " he said to Blair . " And wait and wait , " Blair said with a small smile . " Hey , you know I 'm not really complaining about doing this , right ? If it helps Chloe and it helps get that baby away from Barnes … " " I know . " Jim flashed him a grin then turned and fixed him with a firm look . " You do what I tell you though , Chief . If I say stay in the car , you do it . You got that ? " " Sure , man , no problem . Though I think even I could take Barnes down with one arm tied behind my back . The guy 's not exactly Schwarzenegger . " " Not anytime soon , " Jim said , laughing . He looked back towards the house then nudged Blair with his shoulder . " Someone 's on the move . " Jim focused his sight as sharply as he could and then nodded . " Yep , looks like the rat 's taken the bait . He 's getting into his car . Buckle up , Chief , and then get on the radio and tell Rafe and Brown where we go . " Barnes ' car made a couple of quick turns into side streets that made Jim wonder if maybe he was already onto them but then he turned back onto the main thoroughfare heading out of Cascade , keeping his speed just below the limit . " He 's making sure he doesn 't get pulled over for anything , " Jim observed as Blair relayed directions to Brown . " He 's pulling over , Chief . Tell Rafe and Brown to stay a block or so back . Don 't want to spook him now . " " He 's going to toss it down the storm drain , " Jim said . " Damn , we 've had a lot of rain lately . If he gets it down there , we might not be in time to get it out before it gets swept out by the overflow . " He glanced at Blair as he climbed out of the car . " Stay here ! " he warned . " Crap ! " Blair straightened in his seat as he heard the wailing of the car alarm and peered through the darkness , trying to see what was happening . All he could make out was the flashing lights of the car in front of them , its indicators blinking in time with the rise and fall of the undulating clamor of the alarm . He grabbed for the radio and called Rafe . " I think Jim 's been made , " he said succinctly , not bothering with details . " You better get here . " Tossing the mic down on the seat , he opened the car door and edged out , grabbing belatedly for the flashlight Jim kept under the seat on his way . Barnes had already moved a few steps towards Jim , one hand held out in front of him . Blair lifted the flashlight beam away from Jim and focused it on Barnes , swallowing dryly as he saw he was holding a gun . " Stay where you are , " Blair called . " Cascade PD . " He waited with bated breath as Barnes ' head snapped up . " Put the gun down , Mr . Barnes , " he said . Barnes bent forward and Blair let his breath seep out between his lips in relief as the man put the gun on the ground . Quickly he flashed a look back at Jim , relieved to see he 'd made it to his feet though he was wobbling and holding one hand against an ear still . " You okay ? " he called . Blair opened his eyes and blinked to clear the prickling flashes of light from his vision . " Not exactly , " he managed to get out as he tried to catch his breath . He focused on Jim 's face finally . " You okay ? " Jim helped Blair up , holding him steady till his knees stopped shaking and the ground stopped looking like it was undulating under him . " Okay now ? " he asked . " You need to go to the hospital and get that hard head of yours looked at ? " Blair rubbed his hand ruefully over the lump on the back of his head and wrapped his other arm around his aching ribs . " Nah , I 'm fine . Just knocked the wind out of me , " he said . " Anytime , " Rafe called back with a wave . " See you back at the PD . I 'm damn glad you 're lead on this , Ellison . The paperwork 's all yours . " Jim just shook his head and opened the door for him . " Now how did I know you were going to say that ? " he mused as he walked around the other side and climbed behind the wheel . He looked over at Blair as he started the car . " Fair enough , I guess . Think you might need to get your hearing checked tomorrow though . " " Well , yeah , I was just doing my job , man . Remember the guide 's supposed to be the Sentinel 's backup , " Blair said defensively . " Besides I thought Barnes would be a pushover . " " Who knows ? " Jim shrugged as he set the car in motion . " Maybe he got complacent . More likely though he thought the gun was safer with him . After all , as far as he knew he 'd gotten away free and clear . If he 'd tried to dump the gun before there was always a chance someone would see him do it or that someone would find it and we 'd trace it back to him . Once he knew we were onto him , I guess he figured the gun was one more piece of evidence he couldn 't afford to have us find on him when we picked him up . " Blair leaned back against the seat and closed his eyes . " I 'm just glad it 's over , " he said softly . " Now maybe there 'll be some justice done . " " Well ? " Blair asked nervously as Jim walked across the bullpen and slumped down into the chair next to him . He 'd wanted to be in court with Jim today , to give moral support to Chloe Barnes and to see the case through to its absolute end but he 'd had classes he couldn 't avoid so Jim had gone alone . Jim rolled his head sideways and looked at Blair with tired eyes . " Long case , " he said . " Yeah , jury 's been out a long time , " Blair said . He waited then when Jim didn 't speak he whacked him gently on the arm . " So , what happened ? " " Polly got ten to twenty five for conspiracy and for being an accessory before and after the fact , " Jim said slowly . He straightened in his chair . " Chloe continues her sentence , " he finished . Jim shook his head . " Like it or not , Chief , she killed Laura Barnes . She has to do the time for that . The judge did say he 'd look favorably on an early release now that she 's admitted to it and is showing true remorse . " " Time will tell , " Jim said . He held up a hand as the phone on his desk rang and he answered it . " Blair Sandburg ? Yeah , he 's here . Hold on a moment , please . " He glared at Blair . " You gave your grandmother my work number ? " " Hey , I don 't have a cell phone so I gave her the number at the loft and this one , " Blair replied defensively , grabbing the phone . " Hi , Bubbe , " he said brightly . " How 's things ? " He listened for a minute then said , " Sure . I 'd love to see you . Hey , no , don 't worry about a hotel . You can stay with Jim and me . " He fended off Jim 's attempts to grab the phone then said cheerfully , " Okay , see you Saturday ! " " It 's only for a day or two . You 'll love her . I mean you liked Naomi , right ? How bad can my grandmother be ? She 's Naomi 's mom after all . " Blair stood up and grabbed his backpack . " Well , I 've got another class to teach so I 'll see you tonight . " He headed for the door at a run then looked back as he reached it to see Jim bury his head in his hands . " Aw , suck it up , Princess , " he called as he stepped into the hall . " At least she won 't bring sage . " |
A few days ago , Fugly Horse of the Day shared a link to a trainer 's online newsletter , which addressed an issue a woman was having with her horse . Most of us , reading this , will immediately recognize what 's going on : The woman is afraid of her horse . Because he shows fear , he is convinced that he was abused , and is letting him get away with being afraid . He threatens to kick her when she tries to pick his feet , so she doesn 't try to pick them . He spooks , so she dismounts and leads him . The horse is clearly the boss in this relationship , as she is allowing him to choose what he will do and when . As a little background : The idea that animals don 't have emotions is a throwback from the era of psychology known as behaviorism . This prevailing theory was based on the fact that as a scientist , you can only come to conclusions that you can observe . Emotion is not observable ; therefore emotion does not exist . ( They thought emotion in humans boiled down to instinct , too , but where their ideas really stuck was with animals . ) But not long before this , scientists actually thought that animals didn 't feel pain , either . Any show of pain was simply reflexive and instinctive , not because they actually felt anything . For many decades , animals were operated on without anesthesia because this was accepted as fact . See where I 'm going with this ? We were , quite obviously , wrong about animals not feeling pain . In fact , a lot of people would be shocked to think that we ever doubted that they do . Someday , I believe people will be equally as shocked that anyone doubted an animal 's capability to feel emotion . Just because they can 't express themselves to us , doesn 't mean they don 't feel it . It may be more simplistic than the emotions we feel - but then again , it might not . After all , what is " love , " but a mixture of being able to trust someone , enjoying someone 's company , and in the case of romantic love , physical attraction ? All of these boil down into the basic needs of animals that this trainer refers to : safety , pleasure , and instinct ( procreation ) . All behaviorists will agree that both humans and animals make decisions based on basic needs like these , but if love is comprised of these things , doesn 't it follow that animals feel love , too ? ( I should note here that I don 't romanticize love . I don 't believe in " soulmates , " " one true love , " or any of those notions . Our society has come to romanticize love by promoting those kinds of ideas , but I think most often they either cause a lot of disappointment in people who would otherwise be happy together , but expect fireworks for the rest of their lives . Ideas like those are also society - approved justifications to keep people , mainly women , in physically and emotionally abusive relationships . I think romanticizing love is a dangerous idea , whether you are talking about horses or people . ) When I arrive at the barn to see Panama , he knows my car . He 's usually waiting at the gate by the time I park the car and get out , and whinnies to me - then repeats his call if he decides I 'm not coming to get him fast enough . A behaviorist 's explanation for such behavior is that he wants , treats , hand - grazing , whatever it is about my visits that gives him the most pleasure . In my opinion , that 's kind of like saying that I love my husband because he makes me dinner . I have no doubt that Panama enjoys those things , and that he probably loves me partly because I provide them , but I also have no doubt that he truly loves me and misses me when I 'm not there . As I pointed out in my comment on Fugly , though , just because I believe that my horse loves me - and want him to love me - doesn 't mean I 'll allow him to push me around . Claiming that this woman is allowing her horse 's behavior because she wants a relationship based on love is ridiculous . She is afraid of her horse , plain and simple . Think about it . You know your kids love you , and you want them to love you , but does that mean you let them eat cookies for dinner or play in the street or use you for a punching bag ? No , of course not . It is NOT an expression of love to allow something or someone to hurt themselves or you . Anyone who says otherwise is either lying about their motivation , or really confused about what love means . So , bottom line : I believe horses feel emotion , but I still expect my horse to behave himself . And you know what ? Getting in trouble from time to time has never changed how happy he always is to see me or how much he enjoys his work ! Labels : horse behavior Then Zans 's owner - let 's call her S - showed up , an hour later than usual . It turned out that Savvy 's owner , C , the other regular , wasn 't able to go , so S was just running late ( not knowing we were going ) . She was all for a trail ride , though , so A and I rode in the arena for a little longer until she was ready . The woman who owns Sammy , the third horse in the corral with Savvy and Panama , was also riding , so S invited her out as well . I was a bit nervous about this , as Sammy is 5 , which meant that Zans would have 3 charges to " babysit , " and I had no clue how Sammy would do . M ( his owner ) said he did great last time they went out , but I think that was their only trail ride so far , so yesterday was their second time . As it turned out , though , I needn 't have worried - it was a great ride . Perhaps it was all the cantering , or the heat , but Panama wasn 't as excited as he usually is when we head out . He was still excited , but he was content to plod along , rather than rushing the first half of the trail like he usually does . The one thing he was , however , was very looky . We had a minor spook when someone shot off a huge crossbow at the archery range as we were passing , but he just half - jumped , half - leaned away from the archery range . I guess it seemed different to him than what we usually see over there . We took the long way around the riding stables so that we wouldn 't have to deal with the farm equipment and the spot where he dumped me back in May . I know I 'll have to deal with it again soon , but with 2 other young horses and only Zans providing any substantial trail experience , I thought yesterday wasn 't the best time , so we went around . This was actually good in another way , though , as it gave us some unfamiliar trail for Panama to think about - and a big hill . Just in the last few weeks , Panama has suddenly figured out how to go down hills . He was controlling his speed somewhat down hills when we were doing all our trail riding last year , but I didn 't realize at the time ( because of my inexperience ) that he wasn 't fully shifting his weight onto his back end . In the last few weeks , however , he 's suddenly figured this out . Now , when we start down the hill , I can actually feel him sitting back ! It 's quite an achievement , and I 'm as proud as if I 'd figured it out , instead of him . But I wonder if it 's partly also that he has more strength now , from all the cantering we 've being doing , and therefore sitting back and controlling his speed downhill is easier on him than it used to be . Since the trail was unfamiliar , and he was feeling rather looky , he was checking out everything - the rock at the bottom of the hill , a log off to the side of the trail , even the grasshoppers fleeing before us . But - and this is another part where I 'm really proud of him - even though I could feel that he was concerned , he didn 't let it deter him . We were leading ( we led the whole way ) , so I just gave him a nudge whenever he required it , and he kept moving forward at a fairly constant pace . He was clearly working through his worries , and I have to say it again : I am really proud of him for it . We also didn 't have a single disagreement about when it was time to stop grazing . ( Remember , we take periodic grazing breaks on the trail . ) Last trail ride , 2 weeks ago , we had a few incidents where he would refuse to walk forward even after I 'd pulled his head up . He does this periodically , and since I was leading last time too , I decided we 'd had enough grazing . If he tries to bully me , he doesn 't get to graze , end of story , so we finished off the final third of the ride without any breaks . I don 't know if he remembered that , or if he was just being good on his own accord , but I didn 't have a single problem with that yesterday . Panama and I have been trying to get our flying lead changes in the interim . We tried to show her a few , but she said he wasn 't changing in the back , even though I 'm sure that he did change both front and back at least once . So she brought out a pole and had us do our changes over that for a bit , to get him to change both at the same time . Sure enough , the pole worked ! He changes fairly nicely over the pole from a right lead to a left , but we had some trouble in the other direction , since going to the right is his worse direction - he wants to cut corners and let his right shoulder fall in , which makes the lead change difficult . Eventually we got a good change and stopped on that note . I 'll be glad when we can get our changes without the poles , though - the poles are giving Panama a " target , " something to anticipate , and he 's rushing up to them . We had a few " discussions " about that during our lesson . He just gets so excited when he 's learning something , particularly when there 's something visual involved , such as a pole or a jump . I 've been cantering a lot in my two - point lately , because I 've been practicing lead changes , but my trainer noticed that my sitting canter was ( as she put it ) terrible today . I blamed it on lack of practice , so guess what my homework is for the next week ? Right . . . sitting canter ! Which leads me to my next hurdle - my trainer wants me to start cantering bareback . Problem is , the thought terrifies me . I only just got comfortable with trotting bareback , and part of that is the bareback pad I 'm borrowing . I 'm happy to practice my sitting canter in the saddle , maybe even without stirrups , but I 'm not so sure yet that I can stay on Panama 's narrow back at a canter , even with the pad . I do want to get there eventually , but I highly doubt it 'll be this week ! Labels : horseback riding lessons Considering they are the first shots he 's ever gotten , I thought he did very well - certainly better than Marine , who threw a minor hissy fit while the first needle was in his neck . Rondo , on the other hand , stood stock still . The vet rubbed on him while I talked to him and told him he was a good boy , and his head only came up a couple of inches for each shot . He 'll have more in a couple of weeks , but at least he 's gotten the first couple now . After the vet left , we went inside to get something to eat , and then came back out to do a little more with the horses . Marine and Rondo had decided to heck with people , though , and ran from me when I approached with Rondo 's halter and lead rope . ( I think Marine , who can sometimes act rather scared of being caught , was the ringleader , but Rondo was more than happy to follow suit . ) I just walked Rondo down , following him back and forth across the pasture until he got tired of running . His behavior when I finally caught him was funny - he stood facing somewhat away from me , but with his head twisted around to look at me , and sniffed my outstretched hand . I could practically see him trying to remember why he 'd decided I was so scary ! I was careful not to startle him when I haltered him , since his blood was up , but he offered little resistance . As an aside , my mother - in - law was pretty amazed by this whole thing . She told me afterward , " You have determination ! " I laughed and told her I think most horses have to learn that lesson at least once - that haltering isn 't optional . That 's a pretty revolutionary thought for my in - laws - my brother - in - law tends to leave his horses ' halters on 24 / 7 to make them easier to catch , and my mother - in - law only recently stopped doing that ( possibly because of my influence ) . Anyway , once I 'd caught Rondo , I tied him up and groomed him a little . Nothing much - just brushed him with a dandy brush , and then combed the knots out of his mane and ( ridiculously thick ) tail . He 's getting better about being brushed , but I still find he does better if I go slowly and stop occasionally for pets and praise . I also picked his front feet and worked with him on picking up his back feet . He still fights a lot with the back ones , so instead of trying to pick them , I just worked on him holding them up for a few seconds without trying to shake me off . Each time I asked him to hold them up for a little longer ; hopefully next time he 'll let me pick them without making it into a fight . Our biggest achievement of the day , however , was the fly spray . I never blogged about the last time I tried to put fly spray on him - he got really upset about the feel of the spray landing on him , and started rearing in response . He got into a lot of trouble for that , however , but it was a lot of fighting over just spraying his front legs and shoulders . I decided after that incident that sometimes I 'm expecting too much from him - such as spraying the whole horse when he 's never been sprayed before . So this time , I just sprayed his front legs . I started at the bottom , spritzing the air next to his fetlocks a couple of times to give him a chance to adjust , and then sprayed his fetlock . I worked my way up each leg a couple of sprays at a time , giving him short breaks in between to praise him for standing still , and reminding him a couple of times with a quick jerk of the lead rope to not fuss . Overall , he was good , but I stopped when I got to the top of each front leg , as I could feel he was getting antsy , and I wanted to end on a positive , " nothing bad happened " kind of note . I think I 'll go a little farther each time , and extend his comfort zone slowly . I thought shots , grooming , feet work , and fly spray was plenty for one day , and let him go shortly thereafter . On the whole , he was quite good , and I was pleased with his behavior . Hopefully I 'll get out there next week , though I 'm a little worried that we 're overdue for another " terrible twos " kind of day ! Labels : desensitizing I meant to ride Sunday , and then yesterday , but the soonest I could seem to find the time was today . We had our 6 - year - old nephew over Friday and Saturday , and required Sunday to recuperate ! And then yesterday I had work to do . . . You know how it goes . Anyway , this evening I tried out a bareback pad that Spaghetti 's owner is lending me . She is blessed with a rounder horse than mine , and probably a better sense of balance on his back , so she doesn 't often use it . Panama is difficult though because he 's so little - standard bareback pads don 't fit him . Tonight I had this one tightened up as far as it could go , and it was still a little looser than I 'd like . Now that I know I like riding with a pad , I 'll have to try to find one with a smaller seat and girth . The pad made a world of difference - it was a suede pad , so it made it slightly easier to stick . The real advantage though was that I didn 't feel like my bony parts and Panama 's bony parts were constantly making contact . I think he thought it was better , too - usually , after a lap or so of trotting , he slows to a walk on his own , but this time he was open to trotting a little longer . I think that 's a good sign that riding bareback without a pad is a bit uncomfortable for him , and the pad fixed it . Even with the pad , though , the withers were a bit uncomfortable . We did lots of trotting , and toward the end I was feeling a bit raw in front . It may have something to do with the nylon strap and trim that is right in that general area between his withers and my , ah , crotch . Nylon straps don 't provide much padding . I ended up not having a lesson on Thursday - my trainer was out of town for a horse show - but Panama and I rode anyway . It was hot when we got all saddled up , and I didn 't feel like riding outside , so I headed indoors - good thing I did , because the weather very quickly turned ( as it often does in Colorado ) , throwing in some thunder and rain before settling into an overcast , slightly cooler rest of the morning . I was very pleased to note that Panama didn 't freak out when it started thundering and raining , despite our harrowing experience last week of being trapped in the indoor during a terrible thunderstorm . What a good boy - I was really worried that he 'd melt down the next time it rained or thundered when we were riding . I was a bit lightheaded when I first got on - from being dehydrated when I first woke up , I think , even though I 'd been sucking down water while I tacked up - so I started our ride fairly leisurely . We did ultimately get a lot of trotting and cantering done , and practiced our flying changes . I think I 'm getting better with my cues , and Panama is picking up on what is expected of him - without someone there to tell me , I 'm not always sure whether he 's changing his lead in the back along with the front , but several times I was fairly certain he had . Once he even changed his lead two strides before I was planning to ask . Obviously I don 't want him anticipating that all the time , but it demonstrated to me that he has figured out what we 're doing . I can 't wait until we have another lesson , so that my trainer can give me some feedback on how we 're doing with it ! Labels : horseback riding Yesterday I met Spaghetti 's owner out at the barn for a playdate and an evening ride . Although the day had been hot , the evening was quite nice , thanks to a late - afternoon thunderstorm that cleared up before we got there . We turned the horses out together first , and they ran for a while without stopping , since it was their first playdate in a while . After the horses finished running , we decided to ride , since it looked like the nice weather would hold for the rest of the evening . We rode for a while , perhaps 45 minutes , but on the whole it was fairly leisurely . I worked a little on my " homework " from my last lesson , getting Panama to bend and move off the new inside leg across a diagonal at a trot , to try to help him ( and us ) get our flying lead change . Then I did a few changes , and I think the last time he may have gotten it , right away too ! When my friend looked , she said it looked like he was on the right lead in both the front and the back , but she only got to see a few strides because he dropped out of the canter . I 'm sure we 'll practice more during my lesson , so my trainer can tell me then if he 's getting it - I can feel it if he 's on the wrong lead in the front , but I don 't always feel it if he neglects to switch the back . We rode for a bit longer , but mostly just poked around . We were in the outdoor arena and it was a gorgeous evening . It was the kind of ride that makes me so glad I have a horse ! Labels : horseback riding In Elizabeth , which is a small rural town about an hour south and east of Denver , a horse named Summer fell through a window well into her owner 's basement . The article includes a pretty funny picture of the horse standing in the middle of a partially finished basement . I guess it was something of an ordeal , though - the horse refused to go up the basement stairs , and they couldn 't get her back out the way she came in without drugging her and digging out the window well to make it bigger . Kate of A Year with Horses linked to this excellent post on Equine Ink the other day : How hot is too hot to ride ? The post gives an easy formula for determining when it 's too hot for the horse to cool itself effectively . I think I wimp out of riding long before the heat gets to be too much for my horse , but it 's still a great formula to keep in mind . The timing was appropriate - when Kate posted this link , our weather was just starting to turn . For a couple of weeks we 'd been having severe daily thunderstorms ; the news reported that in the first two weeks of July , we 'd already gotten twice the amount of rain we usually get in the entire month . We always have a month or so of daily rainstorms during the summer in Denver , but it 's not usually as bad as the torrential downpours we were getting . But the tide has now turned , and instead of rain , it 's HOT . The temperatures have been in the mid - 90s for the last few days , pretty much the first time that 's happened yet this summer . And naturally , our swamp cooler - a little portable model that we got 4 years ago or so - quit working on Sunday , the first day of the heat wave . It really didn 't help much , just enough to take the edge off the heat on days when it got up above 90 - our little one - story bungalow actually stays fairly comfortable until the outside temps get to about 90 degrees or so , especially now that we 've learned how to manage the heat without air conditioning . Box fans in the windows overnight to pull in the cool outside air , and windows shut during the heat of the day , actually manages the heat pretty effectively . Today would have been a great ride . . . except that he decided to be a complete dick and throw a temper tantrum about a horse getting too close behind him . Remember when he double - barreled the horse behind him last summer , and threw me off ? Well , now he 's done it again . I hate having " that horse , " the one that 'll kick if another horse gets too close , but I guess I can no longer pretend otherwise . Aside from that incident , it was a great trail ride . There were five of us : Zans and his owner ( as always ) , Savvy ( Panama 's pasturemate ) and her owner , Spaghetti and his owner , and Tiny and his teenage owner . We haven 't ridden with Tiny before , and he 's the one Panama kicked at . I would have felt so bad if he 'd kicked his rider - a kid , for heaven 's sake ! - but thankfully , he did not . She didn 't think he got Tiny , either , because Tiny got out of the way pretty quickly - and kept a close eye on Panama 's butt whenever it came into view for the rest of the ride . ( Tiny , by the way , is a HUGE black Thoroughbred . He 's got to be 17 hands and has a head as long as my arm . Yes , his name is a joke . ) Spaghetti 's owner was a little nervous about it being their first time out since Panama and Spaghetti ditched us and ran home . He was also a little revved up at first , but she hung out in back with slow and steady Zans , and Spaghetti calmed down . I think a confident horse is exactly who Panama needed to buddy up with his first time back . Panama and I were in front or right behind Savvy almost the entire time , of course , and that was what he needed , too . Panama definitely hadn 't forgotten how busy the park was on our last time . When we came up over the hill above the yurt , he was looking for the multitude of kids that we saw there last time . He remained alert all the way past the archery range , which had been hopping last week but was almost dead today . Then we took a slightly different , quieter route , and he calmed down nicely . We went down a somewhat steep , rocky hill , and I was pleased to feel him collecting and shifting his weight to his rear as we descended - he tends to want to rush and run down hills , so I 'm always pleased when I can get him to take it slow and steady . Then we passed the public arena , which was full of people and horses , just like last week . I wonder if some pony club is meeting there , or if the riding stables is giving lessons or something ( the public arena is right behind the stables ) . Savvy was in front , but Panama was getting looky , so I asked her owner if we could pass . Panama does much better if he 's in front , maybe because then he feels he has a job and has less attention to spare for interesting things like the crowd at the arena . The halfway point of our " land loop , " as we call it ( because we don 't go down the hill to the streams ) , comes back to the side of the road , and sometimes that can be a little nervewracking for new horses . Tiny definitely thought it was . He was in the lead very briefly , until he spooked at nothing and Panama took over . Then we came across a large group of children on bikes , probably a daycare class out with their teachers , and Tiny was visibly considered running away from that . ( We pulled over to let the horses graze while they passed , but Tiny was too scared even to eat . ) When we kept going , Savvy took the lead and Panama fell in behind her , with Tiny following . A couple of young guys on bikes flew past , without slowing or going to the other side of the road as most cyclists do , and that scared the crap out of Tiny . He started jigging behind us , which made Panama tense . I thought Panama was feeding off of Tiny 's anxiety , but it was actually quite the opposite - Panama was pissed off at Tiny for getting too close behind us as he jigged . Suddenly Panama planted his front feet and bucked hard , twice , screaming in anger the whole time . I could practically hear him saying , " Get a hold of yourself ! " Luckily it all went about as well as a situation like that can go . Tiny got out of the way , and I stayed in the saddle . When I felt Panama start bucking , I rose out of the saddle and slightly forward , to stay out of his way ; I could feel that my weight was in my stirrups , but my heels must have been down , because his bucking didn 't unseat me , and Spaghetti 's owner ( who was behind Tiny ) said they were pretty big bucks . When Panama was finished , I just sat back down . It hardly ruffled me at all - it was afterward that my legs turned to jelly , and I had to sing for a little bit to calm myself ( and Panama ) again . Unfortunately , I didn 't think until several seconds had passed that I should have gotten Panama into trouble for that . My mind was a jumble , and I just wasn 't thinking straight . I turned him in a tight circle ( he knows that means he 's in trouble ) , and figured that would have to do , as I think too much time had passed to really give it to him . Hopefully there won 't be a next time , but if there is , hopefully I 'll have a little more presence of mind to deal with it then . Panama was still tense and angry with Tiny , so Savvy 's owner let us pass , and fell in behind us as a buffer between Panama and Tiny . I sang about six verses of " You Are My Sunshine " ( that 's my riding song , as I can sing it nice and slow ) but the tension was slow to leave Panama . Once he calmed down , though , we were able to get right back to our nice , easy ride . Panama never stopped paying attention to where Tiny was , though . When we got back to the property , I took Panama straight back , because he was being a little pushy any time we stopped to graze , but Savvy 's and Zans 's owners stayed out a bit longer to let their horses munch . As soon as Tiny passed Savvy , Panama was instantly alert , knowing he was behind us again . He continued to give Tiny the evil eye - or should I say , the evil ear , since it was pointed at Tiny the entire time - until we parted ways at the outdoor arena ( Tiny 's owner wanted to ride a little more ) . The amazing thing was how it came almost out of nowhere . We saw the cloud and heard the thunder as the storm approached , but I didn 't think it was going to be any worse than a moderate storm , and being in the indoor arena while it 's raining is good practice for Panama . The minute we got into the arena , though , it started pouring . We could see the lightning flashing every few seconds from inside the arena . I hand - walked Panama around for a little bit - he jumped at a few of the loudest cracks of thunder , but was overall only moderately nervous . Still , I wasn 't going to take any chances and ride , so we were really just waiting for a long enough break in the storm to run back to the other side of the property and put Panama away . The rain slowed enough that we decided to try , but Panama steadfastly refused to leave the barn . He doesn 't like rain , but he 's left the barn in the rain before , so I think it was probably the almost - constant flashes of lightning and close - sounding cracks of thunder . It was a bit scary , because while he 'd been manageable in the arena , he started really freaking out once I started asking him to go out in it . Then , at the worst possible moment , there was a huge crack of thunder and the power in the barn went out . I thought for sure I was going to get trampled by a panicked horse , and froze . Luckily for me , Panama followed suit . All he did was to take one teensy step closer to me ; I reached out and put a hand on his neck . I was still standing there , trying to figure out what to do next , when the lights came back on about 15 seconds later . At that point I decided it was pointless to keep trying to get him to leave the barn . The rain was picking up again , and he was only getting more frightened the harder I tried . There was an empty stall , so I put him in that ( with some coaxing - he didn 't want to go in at first ) , removed his saddle and bridle , and gave him half a flake of hay to keep him busy until the storm passed . He paced when it thundered , and called when he couldn 't see me , but at least he was safe - I was really worried about him getting loose in that . No telling where he 'd end up ! When the rain finally slowed , and the thunder and lightning moved off into the distance , we got Panama 's halter and led him back to his corral . He was reluctant to step outside , but once he was out there he was fine , and wasn 't bothered by the rain or the ( more distant now ) lightning or thunder . I think he was actually happy to get home and see his buddies . The entire ordeal lasted about an hour , so we left around the same time we would have if I 'd ridden as planned . Unfortunately , the experience eliminated not just one , but two rides - I didn 't go on the trail ride this morning . When I first woke up , it looked like rain , so I went back to bed ; and besides , I figured it would still be muddy ( and Panama would probably still be worked up ) after last night 's storm . Oh well . It just goes to show that you have to be willing to be flexible when you have horses , because not everything goes according to plan ! Labels : weather The crowning achievement last week wasn 't our lead changes , but getting back out on the trail for the first time in just over two months - I hadn 't been out since Panama and Spaghetti dumped my friend and me back in early May . The delay wasn 't all fear - induced - part of it was timing ( our barn locked down for EHV - 1 shortly afterward ) , and part of it was being too busy and sleeping in a lot from late nights spent working and reading . Being nervous certainly didn 't help , because I didn 't have any burning desire to make it out when I knew my trail riding buddies were going , but it wasn 't the only reason . But on Friday I finally broke the ice and went on a trail ride ! It was just Zans and his owner with us , which made me happy - Zans is very laid - back , an excellent quiet trail riding buddy to help us calm down when Panama is nervous . And he was a bit nervous - there was a lot going on in the park on Friday , more than usual for a Friday morning . First , the yurt we pass early on was crawling with kids - several ran across our path . Next came the archery range , which was also much busier than usual . And then of course the riding stables , the place where he dumped me last time , two separate groups out on trail rides , and another group riding in the public arena . My nervousness probably was contributing to his , but I led Zans lead as we passed the riding stables , and that helped . Once we get past all those parts , though , the second half of our loop is usually very quiet , even though the trail goes along the road - we get passed by bicycles and the occasional car , but Panama doesn 't mind any of that , so he usually relaxes and slows up during that stretch . Or maybe he just knows we 're halfway there , and doesn 't want to go home - I don 't know . In any case , Panama calmed down once we passed all of the commotion , and we had a very nice , relaxed ride for the remainder . It felt good to get out there again , and I 'm going to start trying to go at least once or twice a week again . Last summer we went on trail rides two and three times a week , and it was really starting to become old hat to Panama . I 'd like to get us to that point again ! Labels : trail riding On Thursday , I had my lesson . Last week 's lesson , we worked on lead changes : My trainer had me canter , go down the diagonal , transition to a trot for a couple of steps , and then pick up the canter again . Like I mentioned in my last post , Panama doesn 't really have any hang - ups about his leads , so he always picked up the correct one , even though I wasn 't cuing for it . But after Wednesday night 's ride , I was interested in trying flying lead changes . I figured that as good as he is with his leads , it 'll be simple for him to pick them up - and he is pretty good about them . I think it 's my lack of proper timing that is preventing him from figuring it out completely . So my trainer talked me through the flying lead changes . Panama consistently changed his lead in the front pretty quickly , but usually didn 't change the back until we went around a half - arena circle . I 'm having to remember about 50 million things as I 'm asking for the change - inside rein up a bit , inside shoulder back ( so I don 't lean ) , leg - yield off inside leg , outside leg slightly back ( to cue the correct lead ) , and as always , heels down . . . and I 'm probably forgetting something there . But in any case , I have a feeling that once I figure out my timing , Panama 's will improve , too . The fun thing about lead changes is that Panama loves it just as much as I do . He gets to canter a lot ( which he loves ) , but he still needs to use his brain , so it keeps him from getting excited and going too fast . All the practice is good for me , too ! I was already getting much better at the canter , especially in my two - point , which is why my trainer decided we were ready to start doing lead changes in the first place ; but all of this practice is making me feel even more secure . Labels : horseback riding lessons Wednesday was an especially horsey day , because I went down to my mother - in - law 's house and worked with Rondo , the 2 - year - old colt . It was a big day for him - he got his first tube of dewormer since he was gelded almost a year ago . He simply wasn 't at a point where he could be dewormed easily , so my mother - in - law hadn 't tried . I didn 't want it to turn into a rodeo , because I knew he 'd remember that , so I gave him the dewormer in 4 separate doses , with lots of praise and treats in between . By the third dose , he knew what was going to happen when he saw the tube coming , and tried to keep his head out of reach ; by the fourth dose , he 'd learned that didn 't work , and stood patiently , if a little grumpily , for the rest of his dewormer . I 'd brushed Rondo a bit before deworming , but I wanted to be sure to end on a good note , so I released him after the dewormer . I had intended to pick his feet or lunge him , but standing for the dewormer was such a big deal that I wanted to reward him for it . Plus , I 've learned from experience that Rondo has a very short attention span ( and very little patience once it runs out ) , and I didn 't want to push so far that it would make it too hard to end on a good note . My mother - in - law has been somewhat anxious to get her youngster under saddle , so even though we haven 't done any training with him yet ( he still doesn 't even know how to lead without walking on top of you ) , she wanted to put a saddle on him . My in - laws have something about putting kids on horses they have no business being on , so she told my 6 - year - old nephew he could ride Montana . I didn 't think that was such a good idea , but I didn 't entirely feel comfortable saying so . My MIL stood in one stirrup a couple of times , until Montana got used to the idea of carrying some weight , and then she put my nephew in the saddle . Montana was good , but as soon as he started shifting and pawing , indicating some impatience , I had my nephew get down . We didn 't walk Montana around with him on board or anything , as I thought that would be too much for Montana , since he didn 't know the first thing about being ridden . We did , however , put both my young nephews ( one at a time ) on a horse belonging to one of my mother - in - law 's good friends . She 's been taking care of their horse while they travel , as the owner 's wife is a traveling nurse , and he 's been traveling with her for now . Their horse has been sent away for training two or three times , the most recent being last winter , as he 's bucked his rider off a half dozen times or so in the past . The most recent trainer was supposed to continue riding him once a week or so after he returned to live with my mother - in - law , but he won 't return their calls , so they don 't really know whether the trainer has told the truth about what he did with Marine . I tried lunging him a month or so ago , and discovered that someone - probably this last trainer - has taught him to run his ass off in one direction only . Clearly someone wanted him to get good and tired before they got on ! I also discovered that Marine is a bit slow to figure out what you 're asking of him , and when he doesn 't understand , he tends to hit the panic button right away - I think it may be because someone has been impatient with him , and he 's afraid of getting into trouble . In any case , I didn 't try lunging him or anything on Wednesday , just put a saddle on him . There was some very obvious anxiety when he saw the saddle coming , so I tacked him up very slowly , taking the time to pat and reassure him . He relaxed a bit , so I walked him around a little bit with the saddle on . Marine tends to plant himself , so I worked on moving forward with a cluck ; the lick - and - chew I got when I praised him for finally walking forward surprised me . Has he never been praised for something like that , or has he not even learned it in the first place ? It seems like a rather elemental thing to be licking and chewing about at his age , and after professional training . At this point Marine was pretty relaxed , so we gave each of the boys a short ride on him ( once around a small round pen - sized circle ) . My mother - in - law led him while I stuck close to the boy 's side , ready to pull him off if Marine started looking nervous again . But he remained relaxed , and seemed almost proud to be toting the boys around . I 'm wondering if Marine just needs patience and a quiet rider whom he feels he can trust . I felt like he started trusting me today , judging by his reactions to my praise and reassurances . It 's also possible that the few times he has bucked , there has been something specific to set him off . He just doesn 't seem like a bucker to me . I may try riding him next time I 'm there - with my helmet on , of course ! After I got home from working with my mother - in - law 's horses , hubby and I ate dinner and went out to the barn so I could ride Panama . During our last lesson , my trainer started having me do lead changes - transitioning down to a trot for a couple of steps across the diagonal , then picking up a canter again - so I wanted to work on that some more . I am lucky that Panama doesn 't seem to have any hang - ups about his leads ; although he does better riding to the left , he will pick up either lead , and always seems to know which one to pick up . ( My trainer hasn 't been having me cue which lead I wanted , since I was struggling with everything else I had to think about . ) Sorry for the lack of posts , but for once they don 't reflect a lack of rides . I rode three times in a row last week - Wednesday , Thursday , and Friday . Today I didn 't feel like riding , so I just held Panama for the farrier , and then let him ( Panama , not the farrier ! ) graze for a little while . |
A few days ago , Fugly Horse of the Day shared a link to a trainer 's online newsletter , which addressed an issue a woman was having with her horse . Most of us , reading this , will immediately recognize what 's going on : The woman is afraid of her horse . Because he shows fear , he is convinced that he was abused , and is letting him get away with being afraid . He threatens to kick her when she tries to pick his feet , so she doesn 't try to pick them . He spooks , so she dismounts and leads him . The horse is clearly the boss in this relationship , as she is allowing him to choose what he will do and when . As a little background : The idea that animals don 't have emotions is a throwback from the era of psychology known as behaviorism . This prevailing theory was based on the fact that as a scientist , you can only come to conclusions that you can observe . Emotion is not observable ; therefore emotion does not exist . ( They thought emotion in humans boiled down to instinct , too , but where their ideas really stuck was with animals . ) But not long before this , scientists actually thought that animals didn 't feel pain , either . Any show of pain was simply reflexive and instinctive , not because they actually felt anything . For many decades , animals were operated on without anesthesia because this was accepted as fact . See where I 'm going with this ? We were , quite obviously , wrong about animals not feeling pain . In fact , a lot of people would be shocked to think that we ever doubted that they do . Someday , I believe people will be equally as shocked that anyone doubted an animal 's capability to feel emotion . Just because they can 't express themselves to us , doesn 't mean they don 't feel it . It may be more simplistic than the emotions we feel - but then again , it might not . After all , what is " love , " but a mixture of being able to trust someone , enjoying someone 's company , and in the case of romantic love , physical attraction ? All of these boil down into the basic needs of animals that this trainer refers to : safety , pleasure , and instinct ( procreation ) . All behaviorists will agree that both humans and animals make decisions based on basic needs like these , but if love is comprised of these things , doesn 't it follow that animals feel love , too ? ( I should note here that I don 't romanticize love . I don 't believe in " soulmates , " " one true love , " or any of those notions . Our society has come to romanticize love by promoting those kinds of ideas , but I think most often they either cause a lot of disappointment in people who would otherwise be happy together , but expect fireworks for the rest of their lives . Ideas like those are also society - approved justifications to keep people , mainly women , in physically and emotionally abusive relationships . I think romanticizing love is a dangerous idea , whether you are talking about horses or people . ) When I arrive at the barn to see Panama , he knows my car . He 's usually waiting at the gate by the time I park the car and get out , and whinnies to me - then repeats his call if he decides I 'm not coming to get him fast enough . A behaviorist 's explanation for such behavior is that he wants , treats , hand - grazing , whatever it is about my visits that gives him the most pleasure . In my opinion , that 's kind of like saying that I love my husband because he makes me dinner . I have no doubt that Panama enjoys those things , and that he probably loves me partly because I provide them , but I also have no doubt that he truly loves me and misses me when I 'm not there . As I pointed out in my comment on Fugly , though , just because I believe that my horse loves me - and want him to love me - doesn 't mean I 'll allow him to push me around . Claiming that this woman is allowing her horse 's behavior because she wants a relationship based on love is ridiculous . She is afraid of her horse , plain and simple . Think about it . You know your kids love you , and you want them to love you , but does that mean you let them eat cookies for dinner or play in the street or use you for a punching bag ? No , of course not . It is NOT an expression of love to allow something or someone to hurt themselves or you . Anyone who says otherwise is either lying about their motivation , or really confused about what love means . So , bottom line : I believe horses feel emotion , but I still expect my horse to behave himself . And you know what ? Getting in trouble from time to time has never changed how happy he always is to see me or how much he enjoys his work ! Labels : horse behavior Then Zans 's owner - let 's call her S - showed up , an hour later than usual . It turned out that Savvy 's owner , C , the other regular , wasn 't able to go , so S was just running late ( not knowing we were going ) . She was all for a trail ride , though , so A and I rode in the arena for a little longer until she was ready . The woman who owns Sammy , the third horse in the corral with Savvy and Panama , was also riding , so S invited her out as well . I was a bit nervous about this , as Sammy is 5 , which meant that Zans would have 3 charges to " babysit , " and I had no clue how Sammy would do . M ( his owner ) said he did great last time they went out , but I think that was their only trail ride so far , so yesterday was their second time . As it turned out , though , I needn 't have worried - it was a great ride . Perhaps it was all the cantering , or the heat , but Panama wasn 't as excited as he usually is when we head out . He was still excited , but he was content to plod along , rather than rushing the first half of the trail like he usually does . The one thing he was , however , was very looky . We had a minor spook when someone shot off a huge crossbow at the archery range as we were passing , but he just half - jumped , half - leaned away from the archery range . I guess it seemed different to him than what we usually see over there . We took the long way around the riding stables so that we wouldn 't have to deal with the farm equipment and the spot where he dumped me back in May . I know I 'll have to deal with it again soon , but with 2 other young horses and only Zans providing any substantial trail experience , I thought yesterday wasn 't the best time , so we went around . This was actually good in another way , though , as it gave us some unfamiliar trail for Panama to think about - and a big hill . Just in the last few weeks , Panama has suddenly figured out how to go down hills . He was controlling his speed somewhat down hills when we were doing all our trail riding last year , but I didn 't realize at the time ( because of my inexperience ) that he wasn 't fully shifting his weight onto his back end . In the last few weeks , however , he 's suddenly figured this out . Now , when we start down the hill , I can actually feel him sitting back ! It 's quite an achievement , and I 'm as proud as if I 'd figured it out , instead of him . But I wonder if it 's partly also that he has more strength now , from all the cantering we 've being doing , and therefore sitting back and controlling his speed downhill is easier on him than it used to be . Since the trail was unfamiliar , and he was feeling rather looky , he was checking out everything - the rock at the bottom of the hill , a log off to the side of the trail , even the grasshoppers fleeing before us . But - and this is another part where I 'm really proud of him - even though I could feel that he was concerned , he didn 't let it deter him . We were leading ( we led the whole way ) , so I just gave him a nudge whenever he required it , and he kept moving forward at a fairly constant pace . He was clearly working through his worries , and I have to say it again : I am really proud of him for it . We also didn 't have a single disagreement about when it was time to stop grazing . ( Remember , we take periodic grazing breaks on the trail . ) Last trail ride , 2 weeks ago , we had a few incidents where he would refuse to walk forward even after I 'd pulled his head up . He does this periodically , and since I was leading last time too , I decided we 'd had enough grazing . If he tries to bully me , he doesn 't get to graze , end of story , so we finished off the final third of the ride without any breaks . I don 't know if he remembered that , or if he was just being good on his own accord , but I didn 't have a single problem with that yesterday . Panama and I have been trying to get our flying lead changes in the interim . We tried to show her a few , but she said he wasn 't changing in the back , even though I 'm sure that he did change both front and back at least once . So she brought out a pole and had us do our changes over that for a bit , to get him to change both at the same time . Sure enough , the pole worked ! He changes fairly nicely over the pole from a right lead to a left , but we had some trouble in the other direction , since going to the right is his worse direction - he wants to cut corners and let his right shoulder fall in , which makes the lead change difficult . Eventually we got a good change and stopped on that note . I 'll be glad when we can get our changes without the poles , though - the poles are giving Panama a " target , " something to anticipate , and he 's rushing up to them . We had a few " discussions " about that during our lesson . He just gets so excited when he 's learning something , particularly when there 's something visual involved , such as a pole or a jump . I 've been cantering a lot in my two - point lately , because I 've been practicing lead changes , but my trainer noticed that my sitting canter was ( as she put it ) terrible today . I blamed it on lack of practice , so guess what my homework is for the next week ? Right . . . sitting canter ! Which leads me to my next hurdle - my trainer wants me to start cantering bareback . Problem is , the thought terrifies me . I only just got comfortable with trotting bareback , and part of that is the bareback pad I 'm borrowing . I 'm happy to practice my sitting canter in the saddle , maybe even without stirrups , but I 'm not so sure yet that I can stay on Panama 's narrow back at a canter , even with the pad . I do want to get there eventually , but I highly doubt it 'll be this week ! Labels : horseback riding lessons Considering they are the first shots he 's ever gotten , I thought he did very well - certainly better than Marine , who threw a minor hissy fit while the first needle was in his neck . Rondo , on the other hand , stood stock still . The vet rubbed on him while I talked to him and told him he was a good boy , and his head only came up a couple of inches for each shot . He 'll have more in a couple of weeks , but at least he 's gotten the first couple now . After the vet left , we went inside to get something to eat , and then came back out to do a little more with the horses . Marine and Rondo had decided to heck with people , though , and ran from me when I approached with Rondo 's halter and lead rope . ( I think Marine , who can sometimes act rather scared of being caught , was the ringleader , but Rondo was more than happy to follow suit . ) I just walked Rondo down , following him back and forth across the pasture until he got tired of running . His behavior when I finally caught him was funny - he stood facing somewhat away from me , but with his head twisted around to look at me , and sniffed my outstretched hand . I could practically see him trying to remember why he 'd decided I was so scary ! I was careful not to startle him when I haltered him , since his blood was up , but he offered little resistance . As an aside , my mother - in - law was pretty amazed by this whole thing . She told me afterward , " You have determination ! " I laughed and told her I think most horses have to learn that lesson at least once - that haltering isn 't optional . That 's a pretty revolutionary thought for my in - laws - my brother - in - law tends to leave his horses ' halters on 24 / 7 to make them easier to catch , and my mother - in - law only recently stopped doing that ( possibly because of my influence ) . Anyway , once I 'd caught Rondo , I tied him up and groomed him a little . Nothing much - just brushed him with a dandy brush , and then combed the knots out of his mane and ( ridiculously thick ) tail . He 's getting better about being brushed , but I still find he does better if I go slowly and stop occasionally for pets and praise . I also picked his front feet and worked with him on picking up his back feet . He still fights a lot with the back ones , so instead of trying to pick them , I just worked on him holding them up for a few seconds without trying to shake me off . Each time I asked him to hold them up for a little longer ; hopefully next time he 'll let me pick them without making it into a fight . Our biggest achievement of the day , however , was the fly spray . I never blogged about the last time I tried to put fly spray on him - he got really upset about the feel of the spray landing on him , and started rearing in response . He got into a lot of trouble for that , however , but it was a lot of fighting over just spraying his front legs and shoulders . I decided after that incident that sometimes I 'm expecting too much from him - such as spraying the whole horse when he 's never been sprayed before . So this time , I just sprayed his front legs . I started at the bottom , spritzing the air next to his fetlocks a couple of times to give him a chance to adjust , and then sprayed his fetlock . I worked my way up each leg a couple of sprays at a time , giving him short breaks in between to praise him for standing still , and reminding him a couple of times with a quick jerk of the lead rope to not fuss . Overall , he was good , but I stopped when I got to the top of each front leg , as I could feel he was getting antsy , and I wanted to end on a positive , " nothing bad happened " kind of note . I think I 'll go a little farther each time , and extend his comfort zone slowly . I thought shots , grooming , feet work , and fly spray was plenty for one day , and let him go shortly thereafter . On the whole , he was quite good , and I was pleased with his behavior . Hopefully I 'll get out there next week , though I 'm a little worried that we 're overdue for another " terrible twos " kind of day ! Labels : desensitizing I meant to ride Sunday , and then yesterday , but the soonest I could seem to find the time was today . We had our 6 - year - old nephew over Friday and Saturday , and required Sunday to recuperate ! And then yesterday I had work to do . . . You know how it goes . Anyway , this evening I tried out a bareback pad that Spaghetti 's owner is lending me . She is blessed with a rounder horse than mine , and probably a better sense of balance on his back , so she doesn 't often use it . Panama is difficult though because he 's so little - standard bareback pads don 't fit him . Tonight I had this one tightened up as far as it could go , and it was still a little looser than I 'd like . Now that I know I like riding with a pad , I 'll have to try to find one with a smaller seat and girth . The pad made a world of difference - it was a suede pad , so it made it slightly easier to stick . The real advantage though was that I didn 't feel like my bony parts and Panama 's bony parts were constantly making contact . I think he thought it was better , too - usually , after a lap or so of trotting , he slows to a walk on his own , but this time he was open to trotting a little longer . I think that 's a good sign that riding bareback without a pad is a bit uncomfortable for him , and the pad fixed it . Even with the pad , though , the withers were a bit uncomfortable . We did lots of trotting , and toward the end I was feeling a bit raw in front . It may have something to do with the nylon strap and trim that is right in that general area between his withers and my , ah , crotch . Nylon straps don 't provide much padding . I ended up not having a lesson on Thursday - my trainer was out of town for a horse show - but Panama and I rode anyway . It was hot when we got all saddled up , and I didn 't feel like riding outside , so I headed indoors - good thing I did , because the weather very quickly turned ( as it often does in Colorado ) , throwing in some thunder and rain before settling into an overcast , slightly cooler rest of the morning . I was very pleased to note that Panama didn 't freak out when it started thundering and raining , despite our harrowing experience last week of being trapped in the indoor during a terrible thunderstorm . What a good boy - I was really worried that he 'd melt down the next time it rained or thundered when we were riding . I was a bit lightheaded when I first got on - from being dehydrated when I first woke up , I think , even though I 'd been sucking down water while I tacked up - so I started our ride fairly leisurely . We did ultimately get a lot of trotting and cantering done , and practiced our flying changes . I think I 'm getting better with my cues , and Panama is picking up on what is expected of him - without someone there to tell me , I 'm not always sure whether he 's changing his lead in the back along with the front , but several times I was fairly certain he had . Once he even changed his lead two strides before I was planning to ask . Obviously I don 't want him anticipating that all the time , but it demonstrated to me that he has figured out what we 're doing . I can 't wait until we have another lesson , so that my trainer can give me some feedback on how we 're doing with it ! Labels : horseback riding Yesterday I met Spaghetti 's owner out at the barn for a playdate and an evening ride . Although the day had been hot , the evening was quite nice , thanks to a late - afternoon thunderstorm that cleared up before we got there . We turned the horses out together first , and they ran for a while without stopping , since it was their first playdate in a while . After the horses finished running , we decided to ride , since it looked like the nice weather would hold for the rest of the evening . We rode for a while , perhaps 45 minutes , but on the whole it was fairly leisurely . I worked a little on my " homework " from my last lesson , getting Panama to bend and move off the new inside leg across a diagonal at a trot , to try to help him ( and us ) get our flying lead change . Then I did a few changes , and I think the last time he may have gotten it , right away too ! When my friend looked , she said it looked like he was on the right lead in both the front and the back , but she only got to see a few strides because he dropped out of the canter . I 'm sure we 'll practice more during my lesson , so my trainer can tell me then if he 's getting it - I can feel it if he 's on the wrong lead in the front , but I don 't always feel it if he neglects to switch the back . We rode for a bit longer , but mostly just poked around . We were in the outdoor arena and it was a gorgeous evening . It was the kind of ride that makes me so glad I have a horse ! Labels : horseback riding In Elizabeth , which is a small rural town about an hour south and east of Denver , a horse named Summer fell through a window well into her owner 's basement . The article includes a pretty funny picture of the horse standing in the middle of a partially finished basement . I guess it was something of an ordeal , though - the horse refused to go up the basement stairs , and they couldn 't get her back out the way she came in without drugging her and digging out the window well to make it bigger . Kate of A Year with Horses linked to this excellent post on Equine Ink the other day : How hot is too hot to ride ? The post gives an easy formula for determining when it 's too hot for the horse to cool itself effectively . I think I wimp out of riding long before the heat gets to be too much for my horse , but it 's still a great formula to keep in mind . The timing was appropriate - when Kate posted this link , our weather was just starting to turn . For a couple of weeks we 'd been having severe daily thunderstorms ; the news reported that in the first two weeks of July , we 'd already gotten twice the amount of rain we usually get in the entire month . We always have a month or so of daily rainstorms during the summer in Denver , but it 's not usually as bad as the torrential downpours we were getting . But the tide has now turned , and instead of rain , it 's HOT . The temperatures have been in the mid - 90s for the last few days , pretty much the first time that 's happened yet this summer . And naturally , our swamp cooler - a little portable model that we got 4 years ago or so - quit working on Sunday , the first day of the heat wave . It really didn 't help much , just enough to take the edge off the heat on days when it got up above 90 - our little one - story bungalow actually stays fairly comfortable until the outside temps get to about 90 degrees or so , especially now that we 've learned how to manage the heat without air conditioning . Box fans in the windows overnight to pull in the cool outside air , and windows shut during the heat of the day , actually manages the heat pretty effectively . Today would have been a great ride . . . except that he decided to be a complete dick and throw a temper tantrum about a horse getting too close behind him . Remember when he double - barreled the horse behind him last summer , and threw me off ? Well , now he 's done it again . I hate having " that horse , " the one that 'll kick if another horse gets too close , but I guess I can no longer pretend otherwise . Aside from that incident , it was a great trail ride . There were five of us : Zans and his owner ( as always ) , Savvy ( Panama 's pasturemate ) and her owner , Spaghetti and his owner , and Tiny and his teenage owner . We haven 't ridden with Tiny before , and he 's the one Panama kicked at . I would have felt so bad if he 'd kicked his rider - a kid , for heaven 's sake ! - but thankfully , he did not . She didn 't think he got Tiny , either , because Tiny got out of the way pretty quickly - and kept a close eye on Panama 's butt whenever it came into view for the rest of the ride . ( Tiny , by the way , is a HUGE black Thoroughbred . He 's got to be 17 hands and has a head as long as my arm . Yes , his name is a joke . ) Spaghetti 's owner was a little nervous about it being their first time out since Panama and Spaghetti ditched us and ran home . He was also a little revved up at first , but she hung out in back with slow and steady Zans , and Spaghetti calmed down . I think a confident horse is exactly who Panama needed to buddy up with his first time back . Panama and I were in front or right behind Savvy almost the entire time , of course , and that was what he needed , too . Panama definitely hadn 't forgotten how busy the park was on our last time . When we came up over the hill above the yurt , he was looking for the multitude of kids that we saw there last time . He remained alert all the way past the archery range , which had been hopping last week but was almost dead today . Then we took a slightly different , quieter route , and he calmed down nicely . We went down a somewhat steep , rocky hill , and I was pleased to feel him collecting and shifting his weight to his rear as we descended - he tends to want to rush and run down hills , so I 'm always pleased when I can get him to take it slow and steady . Then we passed the public arena , which was full of people and horses , just like last week . I wonder if some pony club is meeting there , or if the riding stables is giving lessons or something ( the public arena is right behind the stables ) . Savvy was in front , but Panama was getting looky , so I asked her owner if we could pass . Panama does much better if he 's in front , maybe because then he feels he has a job and has less attention to spare for interesting things like the crowd at the arena . The halfway point of our " land loop , " as we call it ( because we don 't go down the hill to the streams ) , comes back to the side of the road , and sometimes that can be a little nervewracking for new horses . Tiny definitely thought it was . He was in the lead very briefly , until he spooked at nothing and Panama took over . Then we came across a large group of children on bikes , probably a daycare class out with their teachers , and Tiny was visibly considered running away from that . ( We pulled over to let the horses graze while they passed , but Tiny was too scared even to eat . ) When we kept going , Savvy took the lead and Panama fell in behind her , with Tiny following . A couple of young guys on bikes flew past , without slowing or going to the other side of the road as most cyclists do , and that scared the crap out of Tiny . He started jigging behind us , which made Panama tense . I thought Panama was feeding off of Tiny 's anxiety , but it was actually quite the opposite - Panama was pissed off at Tiny for getting too close behind us as he jigged . Suddenly Panama planted his front feet and bucked hard , twice , screaming in anger the whole time . I could practically hear him saying , " Get a hold of yourself ! " Luckily it all went about as well as a situation like that can go . Tiny got out of the way , and I stayed in the saddle . When I felt Panama start bucking , I rose out of the saddle and slightly forward , to stay out of his way ; I could feel that my weight was in my stirrups , but my heels must have been down , because his bucking didn 't unseat me , and Spaghetti 's owner ( who was behind Tiny ) said they were pretty big bucks . When Panama was finished , I just sat back down . It hardly ruffled me at all - it was afterward that my legs turned to jelly , and I had to sing for a little bit to calm myself ( and Panama ) again . Unfortunately , I didn 't think until several seconds had passed that I should have gotten Panama into trouble for that . My mind was a jumble , and I just wasn 't thinking straight . I turned him in a tight circle ( he knows that means he 's in trouble ) , and figured that would have to do , as I think too much time had passed to really give it to him . Hopefully there won 't be a next time , but if there is , hopefully I 'll have a little more presence of mind to deal with it then . Panama was still tense and angry with Tiny , so Savvy 's owner let us pass , and fell in behind us as a buffer between Panama and Tiny . I sang about six verses of " You Are My Sunshine " ( that 's my riding song , as I can sing it nice and slow ) but the tension was slow to leave Panama . Once he calmed down , though , we were able to get right back to our nice , easy ride . Panama never stopped paying attention to where Tiny was , though . When we got back to the property , I took Panama straight back , because he was being a little pushy any time we stopped to graze , but Savvy 's and Zans 's owners stayed out a bit longer to let their horses munch . As soon as Tiny passed Savvy , Panama was instantly alert , knowing he was behind us again . He continued to give Tiny the evil eye - or should I say , the evil ear , since it was pointed at Tiny the entire time - until we parted ways at the outdoor arena ( Tiny 's owner wanted to ride a little more ) . The amazing thing was how it came almost out of nowhere . We saw the cloud and heard the thunder as the storm approached , but I didn 't think it was going to be any worse than a moderate storm , and being in the indoor arena while it 's raining is good practice for Panama . The minute we got into the arena , though , it started pouring . We could see the lightning flashing every few seconds from inside the arena . I hand - walked Panama around for a little bit - he jumped at a few of the loudest cracks of thunder , but was overall only moderately nervous . Still , I wasn 't going to take any chances and ride , so we were really just waiting for a long enough break in the storm to run back to the other side of the property and put Panama away . The rain slowed enough that we decided to try , but Panama steadfastly refused to leave the barn . He doesn 't like rain , but he 's left the barn in the rain before , so I think it was probably the almost - constant flashes of lightning and close - sounding cracks of thunder . It was a bit scary , because while he 'd been manageable in the arena , he started really freaking out once I started asking him to go out in it . Then , at the worst possible moment , there was a huge crack of thunder and the power in the barn went out . I thought for sure I was going to get trampled by a panicked horse , and froze . Luckily for me , Panama followed suit . All he did was to take one teensy step closer to me ; I reached out and put a hand on his neck . I was still standing there , trying to figure out what to do next , when the lights came back on about 15 seconds later . At that point I decided it was pointless to keep trying to get him to leave the barn . The rain was picking up again , and he was only getting more frightened the harder I tried . There was an empty stall , so I put him in that ( with some coaxing - he didn 't want to go in at first ) , removed his saddle and bridle , and gave him half a flake of hay to keep him busy until the storm passed . He paced when it thundered , and called when he couldn 't see me , but at least he was safe - I was really worried about him getting loose in that . No telling where he 'd end up ! When the rain finally slowed , and the thunder and lightning moved off into the distance , we got Panama 's halter and led him back to his corral . He was reluctant to step outside , but once he was out there he was fine , and wasn 't bothered by the rain or the ( more distant now ) lightning or thunder . I think he was actually happy to get home and see his buddies . The entire ordeal lasted about an hour , so we left around the same time we would have if I 'd ridden as planned . Unfortunately , the experience eliminated not just one , but two rides - I didn 't go on the trail ride this morning . When I first woke up , it looked like rain , so I went back to bed ; and besides , I figured it would still be muddy ( and Panama would probably still be worked up ) after last night 's storm . Oh well . It just goes to show that you have to be willing to be flexible when you have horses , because not everything goes according to plan ! Labels : weather The crowning achievement last week wasn 't our lead changes , but getting back out on the trail for the first time in just over two months - I hadn 't been out since Panama and Spaghetti dumped my friend and me back in early May . The delay wasn 't all fear - induced - part of it was timing ( our barn locked down for EHV - 1 shortly afterward ) , and part of it was being too busy and sleeping in a lot from late nights spent working and reading . Being nervous certainly didn 't help , because I didn 't have any burning desire to make it out when I knew my trail riding buddies were going , but it wasn 't the only reason . But on Friday I finally broke the ice and went on a trail ride ! It was just Zans and his owner with us , which made me happy - Zans is very laid - back , an excellent quiet trail riding buddy to help us calm down when Panama is nervous . And he was a bit nervous - there was a lot going on in the park on Friday , more than usual for a Friday morning . First , the yurt we pass early on was crawling with kids - several ran across our path . Next came the archery range , which was also much busier than usual . And then of course the riding stables , the place where he dumped me last time , two separate groups out on trail rides , and another group riding in the public arena . My nervousness probably was contributing to his , but I led Zans lead as we passed the riding stables , and that helped . Once we get past all those parts , though , the second half of our loop is usually very quiet , even though the trail goes along the road - we get passed by bicycles and the occasional car , but Panama doesn 't mind any of that , so he usually relaxes and slows up during that stretch . Or maybe he just knows we 're halfway there , and doesn 't want to go home - I don 't know . In any case , Panama calmed down once we passed all of the commotion , and we had a very nice , relaxed ride for the remainder . It felt good to get out there again , and I 'm going to start trying to go at least once or twice a week again . Last summer we went on trail rides two and three times a week , and it was really starting to become old hat to Panama . I 'd like to get us to that point again ! Labels : trail riding On Thursday , I had my lesson . Last week 's lesson , we worked on lead changes : My trainer had me canter , go down the diagonal , transition to a trot for a couple of steps , and then pick up the canter again . Like I mentioned in my last post , Panama doesn 't really have any hang - ups about his leads , so he always picked up the correct one , even though I wasn 't cuing for it . But after Wednesday night 's ride , I was interested in trying flying lead changes . I figured that as good as he is with his leads , it 'll be simple for him to pick them up - and he is pretty good about them . I think it 's my lack of proper timing that is preventing him from figuring it out completely . So my trainer talked me through the flying lead changes . Panama consistently changed his lead in the front pretty quickly , but usually didn 't change the back until we went around a half - arena circle . I 'm having to remember about 50 million things as I 'm asking for the change - inside rein up a bit , inside shoulder back ( so I don 't lean ) , leg - yield off inside leg , outside leg slightly back ( to cue the correct lead ) , and as always , heels down . . . and I 'm probably forgetting something there . But in any case , I have a feeling that once I figure out my timing , Panama 's will improve , too . The fun thing about lead changes is that Panama loves it just as much as I do . He gets to canter a lot ( which he loves ) , but he still needs to use his brain , so it keeps him from getting excited and going too fast . All the practice is good for me , too ! I was already getting much better at the canter , especially in my two - point , which is why my trainer decided we were ready to start doing lead changes in the first place ; but all of this practice is making me feel even more secure . Labels : horseback riding lessons Wednesday was an especially horsey day , because I went down to my mother - in - law 's house and worked with Rondo , the 2 - year - old colt . It was a big day for him - he got his first tube of dewormer since he was gelded almost a year ago . He simply wasn 't at a point where he could be dewormed easily , so my mother - in - law hadn 't tried . I didn 't want it to turn into a rodeo , because I knew he 'd remember that , so I gave him the dewormer in 4 separate doses , with lots of praise and treats in between . By the third dose , he knew what was going to happen when he saw the tube coming , and tried to keep his head out of reach ; by the fourth dose , he 'd learned that didn 't work , and stood patiently , if a little grumpily , for the rest of his dewormer . I 'd brushed Rondo a bit before deworming , but I wanted to be sure to end on a good note , so I released him after the dewormer . I had intended to pick his feet or lunge him , but standing for the dewormer was such a big deal that I wanted to reward him for it . Plus , I 've learned from experience that Rondo has a very short attention span ( and very little patience once it runs out ) , and I didn 't want to push so far that it would make it too hard to end on a good note . My mother - in - law has been somewhat anxious to get her youngster under saddle , so even though we haven 't done any training with him yet ( he still doesn 't even know how to lead without walking on top of you ) , she wanted to put a saddle on him . My in - laws have something about putting kids on horses they have no business being on , so she told my 6 - year - old nephew he could ride Montana . I didn 't think that was such a good idea , but I didn 't entirely feel comfortable saying so . My MIL stood in one stirrup a couple of times , until Montana got used to the idea of carrying some weight , and then she put my nephew in the saddle . Montana was good , but as soon as he started shifting and pawing , indicating some impatience , I had my nephew get down . We didn 't walk Montana around with him on board or anything , as I thought that would be too much for Montana , since he didn 't know the first thing about being ridden . We did , however , put both my young nephews ( one at a time ) on a horse belonging to one of my mother - in - law 's good friends . She 's been taking care of their horse while they travel , as the owner 's wife is a traveling nurse , and he 's been traveling with her for now . Their horse has been sent away for training two or three times , the most recent being last winter , as he 's bucked his rider off a half dozen times or so in the past . The most recent trainer was supposed to continue riding him once a week or so after he returned to live with my mother - in - law , but he won 't return their calls , so they don 't really know whether the trainer has told the truth about what he did with Marine . I tried lunging him a month or so ago , and discovered that someone - probably this last trainer - has taught him to run his ass off in one direction only . Clearly someone wanted him to get good and tired before they got on ! I also discovered that Marine is a bit slow to figure out what you 're asking of him , and when he doesn 't understand , he tends to hit the panic button right away - I think it may be because someone has been impatient with him , and he 's afraid of getting into trouble . In any case , I didn 't try lunging him or anything on Wednesday , just put a saddle on him . There was some very obvious anxiety when he saw the saddle coming , so I tacked him up very slowly , taking the time to pat and reassure him . He relaxed a bit , so I walked him around a little bit with the saddle on . Marine tends to plant himself , so I worked on moving forward with a cluck ; the lick - and - chew I got when I praised him for finally walking forward surprised me . Has he never been praised for something like that , or has he not even learned it in the first place ? It seems like a rather elemental thing to be licking and chewing about at his age , and after professional training . At this point Marine was pretty relaxed , so we gave each of the boys a short ride on him ( once around a small round pen - sized circle ) . My mother - in - law led him while I stuck close to the boy 's side , ready to pull him off if Marine started looking nervous again . But he remained relaxed , and seemed almost proud to be toting the boys around . I 'm wondering if Marine just needs patience and a quiet rider whom he feels he can trust . I felt like he started trusting me today , judging by his reactions to my praise and reassurances . It 's also possible that the few times he has bucked , there has been something specific to set him off . He just doesn 't seem like a bucker to me . I may try riding him next time I 'm there - with my helmet on , of course ! After I got home from working with my mother - in - law 's horses , hubby and I ate dinner and went out to the barn so I could ride Panama . During our last lesson , my trainer started having me do lead changes - transitioning down to a trot for a couple of steps across the diagonal , then picking up a canter again - so I wanted to work on that some more . I am lucky that Panama doesn 't seem to have any hang - ups about his leads ; although he does better riding to the left , he will pick up either lead , and always seems to know which one to pick up . ( My trainer hasn 't been having me cue which lead I wanted , since I was struggling with everything else I had to think about . ) Sorry for the lack of posts , but for once they don 't reflect a lack of rides . I rode three times in a row last week - Wednesday , Thursday , and Friday . Today I didn 't feel like riding , so I just held Panama for the farrier , and then let him ( Panama , not the farrier ! ) graze for a little while . |
Long Beach Memorial is quite a maze . There 's the birthing center , the main hospital , and the children 's hospital . My husband and I were already familiar with the birthing center , and the hospital lobby , but the children 's hospital was a mystery to me . The volunteer explained that to reach the NICU we could go through the nursery ( only if we had a nurse with us though ) , or we could go down to the elevators , make a right down this one hallway , then a left , then another right , and there it was . Once at the NICU we had to sign in . Then we had to wash up at these old school sinks . You pressed a red button to turn on the water , and scrubbed up while the light was green , when the light turned yellow , you rinsed off , then dried off , and then you could enter the NICU nursery . Unfortunately , by the time we got there , they were getting ready to give our baby an umbilical IV . It 's a sterile procedure , so only those in hats and gowns were allowed to be near the incubator . My husband and I explained that I had only been able to see our son for a second after he was born , so the nurses made an exception and allowed us to take a peak at him before they got started . At 3 pounds , 15 ounces , our baby boy was tiny . However he was long , clocking in at 16 . 5 inches . Despite the loud cries he had made at birth , they had him on oxygen , and it was heartbreaking to see his little face covered up by the mask . I had thought the steroids had helped , but apparently not . After a couple of minutes the nurses ushered us out of the room and we headed back to the Post Partum ward . They had told me that I could come back in an hour or so , but my husband insisted I relax and get some sleep since I had been through so much . Plus , in the morning my nurse would be removing my IV , so it would be easier to get around since I wouldn 't be dragging an IV pole around . As much as I wanted to spend as much time in the NICU as possible , I listened to my husband 's advice and crawled back in to bed . I was able to nap a little before the night nurse came in and showed me how to pump and advised me that from here on out I would be pumping every three hours to establish a milk supply for my boy . He was too young to nurse right now ( babies don 't develop the coordination to suck , swallow and breathe at the same time until around 34 weeks ) but once he was stable they would be feeding him through a tube that went through his nose into his stomach , and they would need the milk then . After breakfast , and after the nurse had removed my IV , I headed back down to the NICU . At some point during the night , they had removed my son 's oxygen mask , and he was breathing room air without any issues . He was having some issues with his blood pressure , but he was responding well to his medication . Also , while they were giving him nutrients through his umblical IV , the doctors wanted to do something called a PICC line ( which is a more permanent form of an IV ) instead - but they wouldn 't do it until that afternoon when the PICC nurse was there . I stayed for two hours , before finally returning to my room in the Post Partum ward . I didn 't want to go , I would 've stayed there all day if I could have , but I needed to go to the restroom and it was almost lunch . Plus my Dad and Stepmom had brought breakfast for me since the hospital breakfast had been so disappointing . Once we were done we went back over to see our baby boy . The doctor stopped by and explained that they were worried about how red and bruised he was . They decided to start phototherapy to help prevent jaundice . By the next day more photo therapy lights had been added to baby boy 's bed . Apparently his jaundice levels had gone up over night . It was sad to see , but we weren 't very worried since most babies nowadays seem to develop jaundice and , as a preemie , baby boy was just more susceptible to it . Finally , since I was being discharged that day , the nurses allowed my husband and I an opportunity to hold our son . He was a bit fussy at first , which we suspect was because they had the oxygen sensor wrapped around his arm . The connector is heavy for a newborn ( heck its annoying for an adult to deal with ! ) so the nurse moved it to his leg instead and he calmed down quickly . We cuddled with him as long as they would allow , and then , with heavy hearts , we headed home . The next day we were up early and headed back down to the hospital . Just like the doctor had warned us , over night our baby boy had been moved to a new NICU nursery . Thankfully , this one was closer to the entrance of the Children 's hospital , so it was easier to get to . It was also much much newer and larger than the old NICU . The phototherapy seemed to be working . Our son was still very red , but it had faded a lot from the day before . Also the bruising on his forehead ( a battle wound from being born ) had faded , as had the red mark on his nose . He had also lost a little weight ( which happens with newborns ) . Thankfully it seemed to be mostly water weight as his swelling had gone down significantly . Sunday we went to church for the first time in a month . It felt soooo good to be out and doing something normal . Sadly , we couldn 't stay to chat with people afterwards because I had to run home and pump . But I 'm sure they understood . When we finally got to the hospital the nurse explained that as soon as his feedings reached the maximum the doctor had inputted into the system they would be removing our son 's PICC line . Which was good , because it was in an awkward spot on his arm . Whenever he bent it , the alarm would go off , and he hated having to keep his arm straight . He would cooperate for awhile , but it wasn 't long before he had wiggled around so much that the splint had fallen off . The nurse finally started placing a bean bag on his arm , but he was such a determined baby that he eventually figured out how to free himself from that . Since his jaundice levels were a little better , we were allowed to hold him while he was fed . I jumped at the chance for skin to skin time , and our son enjoyed being out of the incubator . He looked around , staring at his dad , then me , then back again . I hated having to put him back , but hopefully the phototherapy would be over soon . Monday was a bad day . I had posted something online talking about how my stay in the hospital had made it easier to get up every couple of hours to pump and not be tired . A friend commented that I should get used to it as I would never sleep again . A lot of people had actually said something similar to this ever since baby boy had been born - but this was the one comment that broke the camels back . Didn 't our friends understand that our son was in the hospital ? That we hadn 't been able to take him home like a normal baby because he had been so early ? That we would give anything to have him at home with us ? Every time someone made a comment like that it was like rubbing salt in the wound . I spent most of the morning bawling . I did better once we were at the hospital and I was able to hold our son , but then I had to leave early to go to a WIC appointment , and I was bawling once again - this time because I felt like I had been rushed and hadn 't been able to spend enough time with him . I went back after the appointment though , and finally calmed down when the nurse reminded us that we could visit whenever we wanted . The next day was a much better day . I was able to spend all day at the hospital , and my Mom and my Aunt finally got to meet our son . We went out to lunch afterwards , which was really nice . Also , baby boy was finally up to his maximum feedings , so they finally removed his PICC line . My son was free to wriggle around as much as he wanted to , and boy did he ever ! He kicked off his cover and stretched out his legs , enjoying his freedom . In addition to that , when it was time for his feedings , the nurse had me hold him , gave him his pacifer . She then took a tiny syringe full of a little extra of my breast milk , and would stick it into his mouth next to his pacifer and give him a few drops at a time . Baby boy loved it and happily sucked away . This was a pretty big deal since one of the big steps he had to conquer before going home was learning how to breast or bottle feed . Normally baby 's don 't pick up the coordination to suck , swallow and breath until they 're around 34 weeks . Baby boy was only 32 weeks adjusted ( one week old officially ) and they weren 't supposed to start working with him on breast or bottle feeding for another couple of weeks - but he was so smart he had figured it out on his own . The first time I had gone home I had been worried and stressed - this time I was happy and excited . The heat wave had ended , and I knew if things went down we could reach the hospital quickly . My husband and I also made plans to have friends come and visit so I wouldn 't be lonely any more . On the downside , my husband and his parents refused to let me leave the house - unless it was for the doctors office . No more going over to watch my husband feed our friends dogs . And going to church was out of the question - the doctors felt it was too far away if something went wrong . My husband and I quickly fell asleep that night , and I only woke up once or twice to go to the restroom . Around seven am my husband got up and got ready for work . I tried to go back to sleep , however my hips and back were once again protesting at laying down for so long . I tossed and turned some more before finally giving up . Since my in laws weren 't up yet , I fixed myself some cereal and set myself up on the recliner in the family room . Sitting there had helped my back before , and I was hopeful it would do so again , but , sadly , the pain only seemed to get worse . I finally broke down and took a Tylenol , and when that didn 't work I hopped in the shower . I knew I should go to the hospital . The doctors had made it very clear that I was to do so whenever I felt contractions , after all . However , these weren 't that intense . I decided to follow my one nurse 's advice and drink some more water . I would give it 30 minutes to see if it worked , and if it didn 't , then I would go to the hospital . My mother in law was getting ready to go to a memorial with my father in law . I poked my head into their bedroom and told them what was happening . She quickly decided that she would take me to the hospital and my father in law would go to the memorial - she just needed to get her shoes on and grab her purse and then we 'd be on our way . I called my husband and let him know what was going on . He asked if I thought he needed to leave work . At first I said no , but then quickly changed my mind when he asked again . Yes , I definitely wanted him there , especially since he often remembered things I didn 't , and even if he didn 't , looking at him usually prompted my memory . My MIL drove as fast as she could without breaking the law . Thankfully since it was after 10 , traffic wasn 't too bad , and we made it to the hospital in 30ish minutes . She parked outside of the Birthing Center at Long Beach Memorial , helped me out of the car and inside and then moved the car so she wouldn 't get a parking ticket . Unfortunately , there was a bit of an issue with the elevators . The first elevator I got in wouldn 't move . The doors would open , but when you hit the button to go up , it just sat there . Thankfully I was able to get out and get in another elevator that actually worked . Once I reached the second floor , where the birthing center was located , I let the nurses at the admitting desk know what was going on . They checked me in and explained that they would call my name in just a few minutes . However , before either of them could show up , a nurse was calling me into the triage area . I followed her back , and changed into a hospital gown . By the time I had given the nurse a urine sample , my husband and mother in law finally showed up ( it turned out that the security guard had told her to go to the ER to wait for some reason ) . The nurse hooked me up to the monitors and we all settled back to wait . By now the contractions were getting closer together and were far more intense . In fact they were easily on par with the ones I had experienced the first time they had put me on Magnesium Sulfate ! I gripped my husband 's hand and tried to breath through them , but I desperately wanted something to make the pain go away . I complained to my husband that they should stop trying to call her and just give me something . Surely they could ask one of the other doctors ! After all , they were all familiar with me and my situation ! I also asked my husband why we had decided to do this having a baby thing . I thought I asked in a reasonable tone of voice in an attempt to make my husband laugh . Apparently , according to him and my mother in law , I actually yelled it . It 's around this time that I suggested that he call my family and let them know what was going on . He borrowed my phone and did so , letting my Mom , Aunt , and Cousin know . Unfortunately he wasn 't able to get in contact with my Dad . A new nurse replaced the old nurse and asked how my pain levels were . I quickly let her know that the contractions were easily a 6 or a 7 , and that I was feeling a lot of pressure with every contraction . Also , I was pretty nauseous . So much so that when I sat up in an attempt to try to relieve some of the pain from the contractions , I actually ended up vomiting . That led to a rush of dampness down below , making me think that maybe I had wet myself . Dr M had been the doctor on call the night I went into preterm labor for the second time and had been involved in my treatment at the hospital ever since . He checked me again and confirmed that I was 100 % effaced , but to him it felt like I was 6 cm dilated , not 5 cm . Also , because of the fibroid I was bleeding more than your average pregnant woman in labor - which he had warned me would happen back during my first stay at the hospital . That explained the rush of dampness I had felt earlier . I asked again for pain killers , specifically morphine . One of the nurses had offered it to me when I had some back pain while I was in the high risk ward . I hadn 't taken it at the time because Tylenol easily fixed that problem , but surely I could have it now ? Sadly , no . The nurse told me that they couldn 't put me on morphine and magnesium at the same time as it was bad for the baby . As they moved me to a labor and delivery room , the nurse asked Dr M if they could do an epidural instead . He quickly agreed . I think that 's when it began to hit me that the baby was on it 's way . I mean , they wouldn 't give an epidural to just anyone right ? ( My husband tells me that Dr M told us the baby was on his way shortly after he checked my cervix , but I don 't remember that ) In the labor and delivery room I became nauseous and vomited once more . There was more dampness down below , and the nurse began regularly checking the big absorbpads they put under labor and delivery patients . She piled them up in the linen closet and weighed them - which made no sense to me at the time . She began to ask the normal questions - if I needed a blood transfusion would I want one ? Yes . If they needed a c - section , would I be okay with that ? Yup . What was my medical history ? My husband took care of that for me since I was so out of it . Could I sign this paper ? Not really - my IV was in my right hand this time - but I scribbled something down that vaguely resembled my signature . Getting back up into a sitting position , and moving to the side of the bed so the anesthesiologist could do his thing took far longer than I expected it would due to the constant contractions and their intensity . I finally made it though , and leaned against the little stand they had put there . I felt the three shots as he numbed the area , and then nothing , and then suddenly my legs began to tingle , and the contractions weren 't nearly as bad as they had been before . I told the nurse that after the anesthesiologist left and she showed me that there was a button I could hit to get more pain killers added to the epidural . I hit the button and nothing happened . The little screen for the epidural just gave me a big no sign . I showed the nurse and she realized that the anesthesiologist hadn 't hooked up the epidural catheter to the IV . She had him come back and connect the two , plus he gave me an extra push . When he left I clicked the button again to confirm that it was working like the nurse said it would . It did . Between that and what the anesthesiologist had given me , life was good . I could still feel the pressure of each contraction , but there was no pain . Dr R popped in around this time to see how I was doing . She was another doctor I had dealt with during my various stints in the hospital . She was the one who showed up every morning to see how I was doing and to give me an update on what the hospital 's plan for treating me was . She was really nice , and reminded me a lot of my original OBGYN , Dr H . I absolutely adored her and was glad to see her . She finally explained what we all knew - baby boy was on his way . I had dilated too far too quickly and there was just no way to stop the labor . ( Meanwhile , apparently Dr M was out in the lobby trying to convince my family that they were trying to stop it . . . ) At this point the magnesium was to protect the baby from any brain bleeds or other trauma , and they were adding penicillin to my IV since I had tested positive for Group B Strep ( which is harmless to adults , but could be bad for the baby ) Since I could talk again without having to pause every two minutes for a contraction , my family slowly trickled in to visit . I pointed out to my cousin and anyone else who would listen how my legs couldn 't stop shaking . Apparently this is normal during labor , but I had never heard of it before and was kinda fascinated by it . I also kept telling everybody how the baby was already on his way - which they knew . Now in addition to feeling pressure with each contraction , I also felt the need to push . It was faint at first , but rapidly growing stronger . I let the nurse know and my mother in law ran out and grabbed my husband . By then the nurse had checked me and said that she could only feel the amniotic sack . She wasn 't sure if that meant that I was fully dilated , or if the membranes were just bulging , so she called Dr R back into the room . Dr R checked me and agreed that I was fully dilated . Unfortunately , while she checked me , another contraction hit , and the urge to push had only gotten stronger . I tried not to push , but it happened anyways , and my water burst all over the poor doctor . I apologized , but she shrugged it off , saying that she had had worse things happen . Dr R stood up , told the nurse to set up the bed , and rushed over to the linen closet between the rooms to get ready . The nurse lowered the bed so that I was flat on my back , and raised the stirrups - which were not what I was expecting . I had thought that they would look like the normal stirrups you see at the OBGYN 's - no these cupped your entire calf . Since my legs were weak from the epidural , the nurse helped me raise them up and get them in to place . My husband and I had never taken a birthing class . We had thought that we would have more time to do so . That said , it 's amazing how my body knew what to do - I grabbed my calves like the doctors suggested and with every contraction I gave into the need to push and pushed ! The only problem was that I seemed to be out of sync with the doctors . When Dr M wanted me to push , I wanted to take a breather . When Dr M wanted me to take a breath , I wanted to push . At some point Dr R told me that I was close and asked if I wanted to feel the head . I declined the opportunity because I was afraid of it ruining my focus and rhythm . Also , the idea kinda grossed me out . My husband cut the cord and took pictures , I asked him if the name we liked fit him and my husband thought it did . Then the NICU group wrapped him up , gave me a quick glimpse of him , and put him inside of the portable incubator they had brought with them . They rushed him off , with my husband hurrying after them to see which NICU he was being put in ( Long Beach has two ) and to get his measurements . Dr R was cleaning me up when I overheard the nurse make a call to have housecleaning come in to clean things up . Apparently I had made quite a mess that my husband later compared it to something out of a horror show . Come to find out , I hadn 't just been bleeding heavily like Dr M had warned me - I 'd actually been hemorrhaging ! That explained why the nurse had been weighing the absorb pads ! Thankfully it wasn 't bad enough that I needed a blood transfusion though , but I would need to take iron supplements when I was discharged . In addition to that , while delivering the afterbirth , the doctors discovered that my placenta had begun to separate from the uterine wall - which is called placenta abrupta , and is very dangerous for both mother and baby - and had begun to disintegrate . Had labor gone on any longer , Baby Boy would have gone into distress and they would have had to do a c - section on me . The doctors decided that the placenta abrupta hadn 't happened until I was pushing , or just before I had started pushing , as my baby had been fairly stable throughout everything . Then , after he had cleaned himself up , Dr M stopped by to discuss my fibroid . They still believed that it was the cause of all my problems and that it should be removed ASAP ( No duh ) . I had thought that they wouldn 't be able to remove it for at least three or four months , but Dr M said that they could do it within 6 to 8 weeks . They 'd extend my medical leave to give me time to recover from that , but he figured that my work would rather have me out for an extended period of time rather than go back and have to go out on medical again a couple of months later . Because of when everything had gone down , we were very close to the changing of shifts . The nurse explained that I could either hang out in the labor and delivery room , eat dinner , and then be transferred over to Post Partum once the change happened , or I could go now and eat my dinner there . Either way I had to get up and walk to the restroom before they could transfer me . The nurse helped me sit up , and then stand . My legs were still a little tingly from the epidural - which had been turned off for almost an hour by this point - and the magnesium always makes you a little shakey on it 's own , but I was able to walk over to the bathroom and sit down on the toilet without any issues . Then , once the nurse finished cleaning me up a second time ( Here I thought my modesty had gone out the window during my first week in the hospital . Nope . Now my modesty was officially done ) I got up again , walked over to the wheelchair another nurse had brought in for us , and sat down . She wheeled me over to the Post Partum area and helped me into my room . I had been looking forward to having a private room again and having my husband stay with me , but since so many women had had babies that week , they were forced to double us up . They made sure to keep NICU moms with NICU moms though , which was nice , and hey , at least I didn 't have a possessed bed this time ! After my birthday , my husband and I decided not to ask the Doctors any more about the possibility of me going home . It seemed like every time we did , something would happen - first there was the preeclampsia , then our baby 's antics on my birthday . We didn 't want to risk something else happening . However , the Doctors kept bringing it up ! First Dr B said that if I continued to stay stable , they might consider it at the end of the week . Then another doctor mentioned it . Finally one doctor told us that she had heard from another that I was getting antsy about going home , and restated that that would not be happening any time soon . That last bit irked me , because neither my husband nor I had mentioned me going home since my birthday - so where had they gotten the idea that I was demanding to go home ? Unless maybe one of the nurses had seen one of my bouts of homesickness and mentioned it to the doctors - but I hadn 't felt homesick since before my birthday ! I had finally accepted that I was here for the long haul and had begun to settle into my room . It also helped that my husband had brought my laptop , and friends had brought in yarn and books , so I had more things to do instead of just watching TV and playing around on my phone . On Tuesday , one of the doctors mentioned sending a physical therapist up to teach me some exercises that were safe for me to do . Even though I was on bed rest , they didn 't want my muscles to atrophy . Plus , I was having back issues from laying down all the time , so they thought that that might help me out . I was intrigued . Wouldn 't a pool be a bad idea since I was 4cm dilated ? The doctors quickly reassured me that it wouldn 't be , since my waters hadn 't broken , and it would be so low impact that it shouldn 't cause any other issues . Unfortunately I would only be able to use it twice a week - but it would break up the monotony of being stuck in bed all day . However , pool therapy was not to be . On Thursday , after 19 days of being in the hospital , and being told repeatedly that I wouldn 't be able to leave until after the baby was born , the doctors changed their minds about sending me home and decided to discharge me . Our baby was still having dips here and there , but they were no where nearly as bad as they were before . Also it had been a week and a half since I had had any contractions . The doctors didn 't see the point of keeping me because things were so stable , and they weren 't doing anything special for me there that I couldn 't do at home . The only caveat was that I was still on bed rest and only allowed to go to the bathroom , take quick showers , and fix myself something to eat . I would come back to the hospital twice a week for non stress testing , and I would be seeing one of the doctors at least once a week at their clinic down the street . Also because I was 4cm dilated , the doctors explained that I would need to come back at the first sign of any problems . Contractions ? Come back . Suspected water breaking ? Come back . Baby not moving enough ? Come back . As soon as I stepped in the door , I picked up my cats and hugged them tightly . Murphy was unimpressed by my presence , but Connor cat began to purr up a storm . Then I retreated to my bedroom where I changed into something more normal and turned on the AC ( we were in the middle of a heat wave ) . When my husband came home from work , we hugged and I cried a little , and then we retreated to the family room to sit in the recliners and talk a little . I 'd had a rough night where I kept waking up every couple of hours in pain . Each time I would lay there wondering if it was a contraction or just the normal aches and pains of pregnancy . It was always nothing , but I began to worry about what would happen if something did go wrong . At the hospital all I had to do was press a button if there was an emergency . At home , I would have to wake up my husband , and then we had at least a 30 minute drive . In addition to that , after my husband left for work , I felt so lonely . Yes I had my inlaws to talk to , but I didn 't want to bother either of them any more than the occasional request for water or food . At the hospital I constantly had nurses , doctors and volunteers walking in and out of my room . Also my friends and family would come and visit me fairly regularly . Now that I was home , who knew when I might see someone other than my husband or my inlaws . We had told them that they were more than welcome to visit , but they were being so quiet . In retrospect , they were probably just giving me time to settle in - but when you 're emotional , you 're rarely rational . After my husband came home we talked everything out and I quickly realized I was just being silly - but then I began to bawl because I was being so ridiculous , and even though I knew I was still being ridiculous , I couldn 't stop bawling . My husband reminded me that we had been through so much that it was bound to get to me eventually . Also , there were these pesky things called pregnancy hormones that were not helping matters either . He was right , of course . Everything was fine , I was just stressed from everything that had happened , and the pregnancy hormones weren 't really helping matters . My friends weren 't ignoring me , they were just busy with their own lives . And I was crazy to think I was a bother to my in laws - they wanted me there and they wanted to help us . Things would get better . Thankfully I was able to get some more sleep that night . Since the next day was Saturday , my husband was home all day , leaving my side only to get lunch . Instead of laying in bed , I got up and sat in a recliner , which helped my back , and , my cousin and grandma came to visit . They didn 't stick around long because they didn 't want to tire me out , but it was good to see them . Since the doctors had said I could go out for short drives , that afternoon my husband and I went over to a friends house whom he was pet sitting for and fed their dogs . My father in law was worried that one of the dogs might jump on me , but our friends dogs had seemed to sense from the very beginning that I was pregnant and had always been very careful around me and protective of me . Besides , they were short dogs , so if they tried to jump on me the highest they could reach was my knees ! The next day my husband and I lounged on the couch all afternoon , only leaving the house to go and feed my friends dogs again . On the way home my husband stopped at Fresh and Easy and picked up dinner . Nothing was on TV so we turned on Netflix and started watching some documentary about one of Henry the VIII 's castles . And then I noticed that I was starting to have cramping again . Cramping that quickly escalated into contractions . They weren 't very painful , but after watching the clock for awhile , I decided that since they weren 't going away that it was time to go back to the hospital like the doctors had told me to do . Once there we were escorted into the triage area where I was hooked up to the monitors . One of the doctors confirmed that I was having contractions and that they were more frequent than they cared for . They decided that they would hook me up to the magnesium sulfate once again , and do another round of steroids to help our baby 's lungs develop even more . This time around I handled the magnesium better than the first two times . I still had the hot flashes , but I was more coherent , and I didn 't have any hallucinations . However I wasn 't able to get much sleep because the vampires had to keep drawing my blood every couple of hours . The next morning my Mom and Aunt came to visit , as did my Dad . The nurses who remembered me were sad to see that I was back , and cracked jokes about how I must have missed the hospital food . I replied that I knew they missed how my husband fixed coffee , so I had brought him back for them . They laughed and agreed that they had missed that , and while they were sad to see I was back , they were glad that he would be making coffee for them once more . Once my husband was done with his appointment , he came down to the hospital and quickly passed out on the pull out chair . We had planned for him to spend the night , but around 10 that night a nurse came in and told us that they would be moving me to a different room . Apparently they had had a sudden rush of pregnant women in labor and they needed the room I was in . The high risk ward was also full , but post partum had some open beds , so they were moving the more stable high risk patients over there for the night . Sadly my new bed , while more comfortable than a labor and delivery bed , was possessed . First the bed under my feet would inflate , then decrease . Then the section under my hips . Then my butt . Then my body , Then my head . It would buzz and vibrate as it did this , driving even my new roommate nuts . Between that and the nurses coming in to check on myself and my roommate every couple of hours , sleep was impossible . By the time the doctors came to check in on me in the morning , I was begging to be moved to another mattress . Sadly there still was no room in the high risk ward , but they were hopeful that they might be able to discharge some patients by that afternoon . If not , then they would try to move us back over to labor and delivery since they didn 't like us being so far away if something happened . Monday evening my blood pressure spiked from 120 / 70 to 145 / 80 . It later dropped into the 130s , but the doctors decided to order a urinalysis just in case . I wasn 't too worried . After all they had taken my blood pressure shortly after my Mom and Aunt had come to visit - and we had been laughing and talking . Also , my day nurse had been a little annoying - she kept referring to my baby as her baby , refusing to listen to me when I gave her advice on where to find his heart beat for monitoring , and had told me that I was the one at fault when he went off the monitor . It was only reasonable that my blood pressure be a little high . Preeclampsia ( formly called Toxemia ) is a scary issue that affects pregnant women of all shapes and sizes . Doctors call it the disease of theories , because after all these years they still aren 't sure what causes it though some suspect it has something to do with the placentia . However , they know that the symptoms are high blood pressure and protein in the urine , and that it can quickly progress into Eclampsia or HELLP syndrome , which is very very dangerous . Sadly there really isn 't a way to treat it though , and the only cure is to give birth . Going through preterm labor was bad enough , but this ? I panicked and called my husband sobbing . He quickly came down to spend the night with me . After calming me down and reminding me that we were in the best place possible , he promised that he would spend the following night as well , since there was a chance we would have the diagnosis around midnight . The following day was stressful . Thankfully I had a really great nurse that day who had had a couple of rough pregnancies herself . She called me mija , was upset on my behalf that they had me in such a large gown and got me a smaller one after I showered ( honestly I didn 't mind as the larger gown was less restricting and offered more protection from accidentally flashing people ) , and constantly checked on me to make sure I had enough water and food . Then my husband finally got off of work . He borrowed a wheelchair and got permission to take me outside for some much needed sun therapy - though it was so late that it was actually lunar therapy - and to help take my mind off of things . After being inside for over a week and a half , it was amazing to get some fresh air . The nurses were surprised that we didn 't stay outside longer , and my husband and I joked that we should have hopped in the car for a little drive . The doctor confirmed her news in the morning . However , she explained that while there was protein present , it was in very small small amounts , meaning that I didn 't have preeclampsia yet - I was just borderline for it . They would keep an eye on it , and if it went full blown , they would wait until 34 weeks and then induce labor . If it stayed borderline , then they would let things go as long as they could . Not exactly the news you want to hear two days before your birthday , but such is life . I reminded myself yet again that I was in the best place possible for myself and our baby . That our doctors were amazing and would take care of us . Despite everything that had happened , the baby was doing good . He had more than enough amniotic fluid , and even though he didn 't have much room to move around in , he was measuring on target for being 29 weeks . Unfortunately , due to the baby 's position - head down against my cervix - they couldn 't get all the measurements they needed , so another doctor was called in to assist with the ultrasound . His job was to press up , so they could get the all important head measurement . Since it was the day before my birthday , a steady stream of visitors stopped by to say hi . One cousin brought me flowers and a basket of goodies . My other cousin brought cake , and a friend from Faire took several buses so she could stop by to say hi . The next day dawned bright and early . First the lab vampires wanted to draw my blood . Then the doctors stopped by to see how I was doing . When they were leaving my husband reminded them that it was my birthday and they quickly rushed back to wish me a Happy Birthday . I may have been a little short with them considering how early it was ! After the shift changed , two of my favorite day nurses sang Happy Birthday to me when they delivered my breakfast . Shortly after that friends and family began to stop by and say hi , and it wasn 't long before my tiny room was packed . I was given Starbucks ( decaf ) more flowers ( we soon ran out of room to put flowers on ) and cupcakes ( which were given to the nurses because there was no way my husband and I could finish them all ! ) . My Mom also stopped by with a bag filled with glow sticks so I could celebrate the Fourth of July . Plus she let me sleep through the night instead of waking me up at 4am to check my blood pressure and other vitals ! I would have her for the next several nights , and she quickly became one of our favorite nurses . I looked forward to running into her at Faire someday once all of this was over . The only downside was that the room only had a recliner - no pull out bed . Since it was Friday , and he didn 't have to work in the morning , my Husband had planned to spend the night . He ended up sleeping on the floor because the recliner was so uncomfortable . Around 2 in the morning on Saturday , the contractions started again , though they were no where nearly as painful as they were before . I told the nurse , but she said that since she didn 't catch them on the monitor , they couldn 't do anything . Over an hour later , she finally caught them on the monitor , and it took another 30 minutes before I was given a shot to stop them . It helped , but by then I had noticed that I had begun to develop an infection from the various antibiotics I had been on over the course of the week . The nurse asked me how I knew it was , and I explained that I had had enough of them in my life to recognize the signs . Her response was to tell me to tell the doctor in the morning - which I did , making sure to leave nothing out about how the nurse had behaved . The doctor gave me diflucan to treat the yeast infection ( I had never had it before , and OMG is it wonderful ! ) and she also made notes to make sure I never had that nurse again . I still had contractions here and there throughout the day but they were minor . Finally our day nurse , a lovely woman from Brooklyn , explained that I needed to make sure I drank more water , and go to the restroom frequently . I started following her advice , and the minor contractions stopped by themselves . I still had some back pain from being in bed for so long , but Tylenol and a hot pack took care of that ( though the nurse had offered me morphine if the Tylenol didn 't help ) Saturday evening the homesickness began to hit . Right when my husband left to head home , I burst into tears because I missed my home , my cats , my bed , EVERYTHING SO BADLY . Considering how much I had been through , the nurses were surprised that I hadn 't had a melt down earlier . They brought me tissues and reassured me that everything would be okay and that I had to remain strong for the baby . Eventually I was able to calm down and fall asleep . Sunday they finally pulled out the IV . Apparently an IV is only supposed to stay in your hand for four days before they change and move it . Mine had been in for six , but thankfully my hand didn 't seem any worse for wear . Rather than putting in a new one , the nurses made the executive decision to leave it out , saying that it wouldn 't take too long to redo it if they needed to . Even though my husband came to visit and spent most of the afternoon and evening with me , my homesickness was still pretty bad that night , and I broke down while talking to my mom on the phone . It 's funny how I could go on vacations to Florida and Ireland without any issues , but this was bugging me so badly . Again , it was probably because of everything I had been through and all the stress up to that point . Plus , this was not how I had imagined my pregnancy to turn out . A part of me had always known that the fibroid might cause issues , and I had tried to stay open minded about birth plans as a result - but this . . . this had come out of left field . Monday was fairly mellow . The doctors decided that the baby was stable enough that I no longer needed constant monitoring . Instead I was hooked up twice a day - once in the morning and once in the evening . The doctors also began to discuss sending me home . I instantly perked up . Home ! With my husband and my cats ! And just in time for my birthday too ! The room at Long Beach Memorial was a bit older , but much much larger than my room at Orange Coast Memorial . Both my family , and my husband 's family could fit inside , with more than enough room for doctors and nurses to move around . Also , the bathroom was large enough that I could take my IV stand inside with me and close the door . The new nurses took a little getting used to . Within an hour of being there , baby boy already had a couple of more decels ( though none were nearly as bad as he had earlier in the day ) making one nurse exclaim that she was glad she was off at midnight - which isn 't exactly something you want to hear when you 're a patient . ( We later found out this nurse was in the process of transferring to the day shift , and she was actually a really cool nurse when she wasn 't exhausted ) The new doctors were also a bit strange . The first time the perinatologist came into the room , he seemed a bit rushed and acted as if what we were going through was no big deal . He quickly changed his story once he saw our chart from the previous hospital though ! The other doctors were nicer , but liked to do their rounds early in the morning - like at 6 am - which made it hard to remember any questions we might have for them . A nurse ( who would quickly become one of our favorites during our stay ) asked if anyone had checked me . I explained that they had done a fetal fibronectin that had come back inconclusive , but that an ultrasound had shown that my cervix was fine . They decided to check and quickly discovered that I was 2 cm dilated and 60 % effaced . Baby boy had also dropped down and his head was pressing against my cervix . Magnesium sulfate is both a wonder drug and a horrible drug . It 's wonderful in that it can be used to treat so many things . It can protect a preemie from getting brain bleeds during birth , and it can also stop contractions . In addition to that , in women who have preeclampsia , it helps prevent seizures . However on the other side of the coin , when they first give it to you , they have to give a large dose rather quickly , so you get really bad hot flashes . Even though our room at the hospital ( which my husband called the cave ) was very cold , I couldn 't stand having more than a sheet over me , and the nurses put damp washcloths on my forehead and neck to keep you cool . Also , the Magnesium makes you feel very out of it . When our family and friends came to visit later , I had a hard time focusing on their conversations - so I spent a lot of time just smiling and nodding and staring off into space . This would be the second time my Mom got teary eyed when she came to see me . As she later told me it was hard to see her baby girl hooked up to so many IVs and wires and not be able to do anything . At least when I was five she had been able to pick me up and hold me . Now all she could do was squeeze my hand , brush my hair , and pray some more . It took forever for the contractions to fade . In the beginning , my husband and my cousin took turns holding my hand and watching the monitors . They would let me know when the numbers on the toco ( the sensor that picks up on contractions ) would begin to rise , and would let me know when they began to drop . They timed them - how long they lasted , how far apart they were - and reminded me to breathe and try to relax during the contractions . Slowly the contractions began to fade , and by night time they were gone . My husband had to go back to work the next day so my cousin offered to stay the night and keep me company . We had planned to watch Orange is the New Black , but I quickly passed out around 10 . Despite the nurses coming in to check on me and move the monitors , and the lab techs ( whom my husband dubbed vampires ) coming to take my blood I was able to get some sleep . By Wednesday afternoon it seemed like we were finally in the clear . Baby boy was doing better - he was still having decelerations here and there , but they were no where nearly as bad as before . Also , my uterus had calmed down - I was no longer having contractions , and there were no signs of irratibility . The doctors decided to take me off the magnesium sulfate and I was finally allowed to eat again . At first I was only allowed clear liquids , but by that evening I was allowed to have a sandwich and water . There was even talk of moving me out of labor and delivery triage and into a room in the ward for women with high risk pregnancies who were expected to be staying at the hospital for awhile . The nurses promised me that those rooms were much much nicer with ' spa like ' bathrooms . At one point I thought my cats were in the room with me . Another time , in that place between being awake and asleep , I saw pictures of cheeseburgers on flash cards ( Keep in mind , I had eaten much in the past 72 hours ) . Finally , I thought I saw an older man dressed in a gray suit sitting and keeping watch next to my bed . By this point it was almost two in the morning . The contractions were finally beginning to ease again , and I was exhausted . My mother in law told my husband to get some sleep , and took up his post by my bed . The last thing I remember was her working on the baby blanket she was making for our son . . . and then I was out for the count . A couple of more times throughout the night the baby 's heartbeat would drop , and a nurse would rush in to find it again . Sometimes I 'd need to go to the restroom , so a nurse would come in and disconnect me and help me over to the small bathroom . Then we 'd spend several minutes trying to relocate the baby on the monitor . It got so bad at one point that the nurses threatened me with bedpans ! In the morning , the doctors started giving me steroids to help the baby 's lungs develop just in case something happened . Since the next dose couldn 't be given until the next day , I was told that I wouldn 't be able to leave until Tuesday at the earliest . This would be the longest I had stayed at a hospital , so I was a little nervous , but our nurses were pretty awesome ( when I had a bout of nausea earlier in the morning , they joked about it , comparing the aftermath to the Exorcist , instead of complaining ) , and the room was nice . I felt bad for my poor husband though : his bed was a chair that pulled out into a cot that was obviously meant for kids - not a 6 ' 4 man . But he was willing to put up with it for another night as long as the baby and I were taken care of . My husband 's parents had just stopped by to visit when another deceleration happened . However this time when the nurses couldn 't find the baby 's heartbeat again , I was put on oxygen . When that didn 't help , more nurses came rushing in as well as a couple of doctors , and they dragged in an ultrasound machine to help them locate it . Five minutes later they were able to finally able to find the baby again , and eventually the oxygen mask was removed . The doctors overseeing me came in to visit us at this point . They acknowledged that the decelerations were scary , but they didn 't see any need to deliver the baby right then and there . As soon as the deceleration had ended , our baby had bounced right back without any issues . They thought the cause of both the decels and the contractions was probably my fibroid . It was so big that the baby was running out of room , which meant he might be laying against his umbilical cord . Plus it was located near where the placenta had formed on the inside of the uterus , so it could be pulling blood away from the placenta and the baby . In addition to that it was so large that it was putting stress on my uterus and causing it to be irritated . Their goal was to try to keep our baby in there until 30 weeks . By then the steroids would have had more than enough time to help our baby 's lungs develop , and he would have put on more weight . Also his odds as a 30 week old were much better than a 28 week old - though , the NICU doctor was quick to reassure us , if something did happen , and we had to deliver early , 28 week olds did very very well . A second decel happened when my family stopped by to visit . My mom , my aunt , and uncle were quickly ushered out of the room while the nurses tried , yet again , to find our baby . I was put back on oxygen , and it took another five minutes to locate him , but at least they didn 't need to drag the ultrasound back in . When my mom was allowed back in and saw me on the oxygen she began to get a bit teary eyed . My husband and I reassured her that the baby just liked to move around a lot , and that we were in the best place possible , the oxygen was really for the baby , not for me , and that we were fine . She , my aunt , and my uncle all gathered around and prayed before they left . Around 3 my OBGYN finally stopped by my room . She explained that she had been out of town , and that her back up had been on vacation , and apologized profusely for the fact that her phone service had given the wrong information . She also apologized for not coming down sooner and for letting the doctors at the hospital handle everything . Apparently she had injured her hand in a car accident recently ( something my husband had noticed at our last appointment , but I had not ) and was currently in the middle of rehab - so if something had happened , like I needed surgery , she wouldn 't have been able to do anything . As a result she had stayed away so she wouldn 't step on the other doctors toes . After reading over everything , she stepped out of the room for a few minutes . We later found out that she had called and talked to a perinatologist who was consultanting with one of the other doctors on my case . Apparently she and the perinatologist had done their residency together and were good friends . They quickly agreed that while Orange Coast Memoria was a good hospital , I really needed to be moved somewhere that was better equipped to handle high risk cases like mine . They decided to send me to Long Beach Memorial , which was about 20 minutes away . However they had perinatologists on staff , where Orange Coast only had them on call , and a level 3 NICU - just in case I did deliver early . We had no problems with the additional ultrasounds . Better safe than sorry after all ! Plus , it would be interesting to see our baby grow , and hopefully we 'd get more pictures for the baby book since the second trimester screening ones were kinda creepy . The ultrasound showed that the baby had grown - but that the fibroid had almost doubled in size . At the beginning of the pregnancy it was 10cm . Then it had shrank to about 8 cm . At the second trimester screening it had gone back up to 10cm . Now it was a hefty 16cm in size . Ugh . At the following appointment our doctor asked if I had had any pain because of the fibroid . I explained that I hadn 't had any pain aside from the normal round ligament pains . The doc was kinda surprised because something so large should be causing some issues - but despite everything I was fine . She then took my blood to do a gestational diabetes test and sent me on my way . Two days later the doc called and told me the results of the test . Thankfully I passed the gestational diabetes portion , but it turned out that I was anemic . The doctor had a feeling that this was because if the fibroid . She told me to start taking iron twice a day to help with the anemia . Like a good girl , I did what she told me to , but I wasn 't really thrilled about it . Constipation is one of those lovely pregnancy side affects that I had suffered from throughout the first and second trimester , and I knew that the additional iron wasn 't going to help the situation . Unfortunately there isn 't much out there that is safe for pregnant women to take for those issues , but I figured I had time . On Thursday , my back began to bother me . No matter how I sat in my chair at work , I could not get comfortable . By Friday it was so bad that I left work early . Then during the drive home I had to stop at my Mom 's and stretch out on her couch for a little bit in an attempt to get some relief . That evening I could barely sleep . No matter how I shifted , there was just no escaping the pain . Saturday wasn 't much better . By then the iron had kicked in - so now I was constipated in addition to having a sore back . I chowed down on cereal and salad , and tried some prunes in the hopes that I would find some relief but it was a no go . Early Sunday morning things took a change for the worse . The back pain I had been experiencing suddenly developed a rhythm . Every ten minutes it would get really bad , and then it would eventually ease . At first I thought it was Braxton Hicks contractions , so I drank more water and tried to get some rest . It didn 't help . I finally woke my husband up and explained what was going on . I felt that we needed to go to the hospital , but he wanted me to talk to his mother first . He figured that I was just exhausted and imagining things . She prayed over me , and then we drove to the closest ER at Downey Regional . They immediately wheeled me over to Labor and Delivery where our reception was horrible . The nurse on duty scolded us for not going to the hospital we were supposed to deliver at multiple times and demanded to know why we didn 't call my doctor . I explained we had been unable to reach my doctor because it was 6 in the morning on a Sunday . And her advice in emergencies was to go to an ER . She had never said anything about how we needed to go to her hospital , and nothing online said anything about that either , so we had just gone to the closest ER available . After monitoring me for 30 minutes , she told us that the doctor on call thought I was too high risk to treat . They released us and told me to take some Tylenol , drink more water , and call my doctor later in the day . Only problem - even though the hour was more reasonable my doctor was still unavailable . We tried to reach her back up instead , but he did not respond to our messages or pages either . By then the Tylenol had kicked in and the pain was beginning to fade a little . Thinking that we were in the clear , I curled up on the couch and tried to catch up on sleep . My awesome in laws brought me oatmeal for breakfast , and my husband fixed a ginormous fruit salad for lunch . As the day passed it began to seem like maybe , just maybe my woes were finally over . And then the back pain began again . Once more it fell into a rhythm . Every ten minutes or so it 'd get really intense , and then it would fade . Tylenol was no longer working . I remember reading somewhere that vicodin was safe for pregnant women . A friend who was a nurse confirmed it , so I tried that , but it didn 't help either . I told my husband we needed to go to a hospital again since there was something seriously not right about this . He had his mother come in and pray for me again . When I repeated that we needed to go , he suggested that I call the hospital that we would be delivering at and tell them what was going on since we weren 't able to get in contact with either my doctor or her back up . I think he probably thought nothing was wrong . After all , Downey Regional would have said something if there was - wouldn 't they ? We had moved recently , so we were a bit farther away from Orange Coast Memorial than before ( which is why we had gone to Downey Regional earlier that morning ) but , since it was Sunday evening , there wasn 't any traffic and we reached the hospital in 20 minutes . The entrance to the Birthing Center was closed , but when we found the main entrance and explained to the receptionist what was going on , he quickly checked us in and escorted us to Labor and Delivery . The nurses there were a heck of a lot friendlier than the ones at Downey Regional . They set us up in a room , took a urine sample , blood sample , and did a fetal fibronectin test - which was way more than the other ER had done earlier . Then they hooked me up to be monitored for contractions and to watch the baby 's heartbeat . The urine sample showed that I was dehydrated , so I was hooked up to an IV and quickly pumped full of liquids . The blood sample showed that my white blood count was off , which led them to think that I might have an infection of some sort developing so they added a universal antibiotic to the IV to fight that . Unfortunately the fetal fibronectin came back inconclusive , but an ultrasound showed that my cervix was fine , so I wasn 't in labor . However , the monitor showed that I was having contractions , so I was given Indocin to stop those . After a couple of hours of observation , the doctors were positive that I was stable enough to be discharged . They had just started the paperwork and then the baby 's heartbeat dropped . Posted by Around 13 weeks I felt the baby kick for the first time . I know it 's not normal to feel a baby kick that early - most don 't feel them till around 16 weeks , and some don 't feel them until even later - but I swear it was the baby . I was sitting at work , plugging away at a project a boss had assigned me , when all of a sudden I felt this weird spasm in my uterus . Except it was only local to one spot , and it was kinda faint . Over the next few weeks , as the baby continued to grow and get strong , I would feel that same spasm more and more often . My progesterone levels rose and I was taken off of the suppositories . I was also taken off of the pelvic rest , which was awesome , but I was told that I still could not exercise . Walking was fine , but anything that might get my heart rate going was out of the question . Still my husband and I took advantage of our new found freedom to start going places again . We went to the local malls and walked around . We went to look at model homes even though we could never afford to buy one . We went to visit the local Ren Faire and see our friends who worked there ( though we made sure to take plenty of breaks and keep me hydrated ) . The morning sickness and exhaustion began to fade . There was still the occasional gagging and vomiting here and there , and I couldn 't eat much at meals due to the fibroid that was now pressing on my stomach , but it was so nice to not be nauseous all the time and to be able to enjoy food again . And while I could still sleep for 10 or 12 hours a day , at least I was able to stay up past 10pm without turning into a pumpkin anymore . The second trimester screening went well . We learned that we were finally having a boy . The ultrasound tech assured us that our baby was growing fine and all his vital organs were doing well . Unfortunately the fibroid had grown , but that was to be expected - pregnancy hormones are like miracle grow to fibroids . Other than that little problem , the pregnancy was going smoothly - which was great , because things were about to get interesting . . . At 28 weeks , baby boy got a little impatient and tried to make an early appearance . . . at least three times throughout the course of a week . He 's a stubborn one . Thankfully we have some wonderful doctors who are just as stubborn , if not more so , at our hospital and they were able to stop the contractions and labor every time it popped up . We 're fine now , but because I 'm 3cm to 4cm dilated and 70 % to 80 % effaced ( it depends on who you ask - one doctor here has HUGE hands ) and I 'm also borderline for preeclampsia ( My blood pressure is great , but there 's a little protein in my urine ) the doctors have decided that I 'm not going anywhere until the baby is born . " No . You do know that Domick was just talking , right ? Like sometimes how I joke about hitting Mud over the head because he 's annoying . He would never actually do that to you - just like I would never hurt a hair on Mud 's head . " Norah nodded . " See ? He 's not such a bad guy . . . Though this may be the last ice cream you get for awhile after letting those pigs loose . " I 'm a customer service representative and an author . During the day I help customers out with their issues . At night I work on finishing my first novel , an adult novella , and a couple of other side projects that have been plaguing me since high school . 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He turned off the alarm , pushed his black Egyptian - silk sheets to the side and sat at the edge of his custom made mahogany king - sized bed . He looked back to the other side of the bed , it was rough too . He tries to sleep on both sides now . He looked up to the ceiling Those were the words written on the poster his therapist had advised he have made . He glued it top the ceiling above his bed so it would be the first thing he saw when he woke up . That was his mantra . He lifted himself off the bed , at least it took less time now . He walked into the bathroom , turned on the hot shower and tried to scrub the nightmares away . He dressed up in his navy blue Armani suit , and as he fastened his tie in front of the mirror , he felt the loneliness start to creep in . " Not today , not today , not today " he mumbled to himself repeatedly and quickly walked to his sock drawer . He can 't stop moving , helps to shut out the voices in his head . He has a quick breakfast , leaves instructions for his housekeeper and gardener on the platinum double door fridge and walks out to the garage , gets into his black , Audi Q7 , opens the garage door and drives out . He is grateful for the buzz of traffic and a city awake . Before , just a few years ago actually , he couldn 't wait to get home , now he worked overtime every day and spends the better part of the night having drinks or barbecue with his boys . They were his rock . Without them , he would have jumped off that bridge a while ago . Therapy was working well and he had found faith somehow . He prayed a lot . He still thought about her . Four years of history is hard to let go especially because of how she left and the mess she left behind . The mess he had been cleaning up for a whole year now . Theirs wasn 't a story with happy ending but it had a beautiful albeit quick beginning . They had met in college where they were both pursuing master 's degrees in different fields . It wasn 't love at first sight , far from it actually . He hated her , well hate is a strong word though that is what he felt for her now , back then it was more dislike . He should have stuck to his gut feeling but he was in a dark place back then which probably wasn 't the right time to get into any relationship but especially not with her . He had lost his mother a few months before they met . She had died in her sleep . The autopsy said it was a brain aneurysm . There was nothing anyone could have done . At the funeral , Shaka had stayed back as everyone left for home . He fell to his knees beside the freshly filled grave and wailed . She was a mean soul but he loved her to her dying breath . His father had run off with another woman when Shaka was just 11 years old . He had left Shaka , his baby sister then only 3 years old and their mother alone . They weren 't destitute ; she was a career nurse , doing well at a local private hospital . They lived in a nice house which they owned and lacked nothing , nothing but the warmth of love . His father had left him something , something Shaka wished he could scrape off ; his face . Since he was a baby , everyone knew who his father was . He had his eyes , his nose , his jaw even his hairline . He truly was his father 's son . At the beginning this was something he drove great pride from because even as a child because everyone around him would make such a big fuss of it . But then that night came when an eleven year old boy 's life was turned upside down . It was late but Shaka had always been a light sleeper . He heard his parents arguing , it was loud and pretty heated . As a curious kid of course he went out of his room to eavesdrop . His sister was asleep in her room . He walked to the staircase and sat on the top step . He could see both of them in the hall way downstairs . They were both very angry , screaming over each other like they were competing who could scream loudest . He had never seen either of them this angry . At the time , he couldn 't really understand what was going on exactly . They would always fight in their bedroom if ever and even then , it would be in hush hush tones . " Sawa ! ( Fine ! ) Kwani wafikiri tutakufa ukienda kwa huyo malaya wako ? ! ( You think we will die if you ran off with that prostitute ? ) his mother shouted back . Shaka saw his father walk toward the staircase . It was too late to run to his room . His father stared at him for a few seconds at the bottom step , sighed then rushed up the stairs to their bedroom . Shaka ran to his room . A few minutes later , he heard a door bang shut , someone going down the stairs and the front door open and bang shut . He ran to the window and looked outside . As his father walked up to his car , Shaka silently willed him to turn around . Maybe if he saw his grief - stricken son 's face he would come back . He did turn around , their eyes did meet , he did see the tears fall down Shaka 's face but he did not come back . Shaka never saw his father again and his mother , well , any specks of gentleness she had left walked right out the door with that man . Shaka knew she tried so hard to shield them from the darkness that slowly crept over her over the years that were to follow and so he always tried to be a good boy . His sister tried too . They both did exceptionally well in school , did all their chores on time and essentially just stayed out of their mothers way . The hugs , the ' I love yous ' , they all stopped soon enough and all that remained when a little boy and a little girl hugged their mother was a quick pat on the back and instructions for the next day 's chores . After a while , they all just stopped trying . Now as Shaka watched his woman walk away , he racked his brain trying to figure out what he had done to make her leave . It must have been his fault somehow . People don 't just leave , right ? He turned off the alarm , pushed his black Egyptian - silk sheets to the side and sat at the edge of his custom made mahogany king - sized bed . He looked back to the other side of the bed , it was rough too . He tries to sleep on both sides now . He looked up to the ceiling Those were the words written on the poster his therapist had advised he have made . He glued it top the ceiling above his bed so it would be the first thing he saw when he woke up . That was his mantra . He lifted himself off the bed , at least it took less time now . He walked into the bathroom , turned on the hot shower and tried to scrub the nightmares away . He dressed up in his navy blue Armani suit , and as he fastened his tie in front of the mirror , he felt the loneliness start to creep in . " Not today , not today , not today " he mumbled to himself repeatedly and quickly walked to his sock drawer . He can 't stop moving , helps to shut out the voices in his head . He has a quick breakfast , leaves instructions for his housekeeper and gardener on the platinum double door fridge and walks out to the garage , gets into his black , Audi Q7 , opens the garage door and drives out . He is grateful for the buzz of traffic and a city awake . Before , just a few years ago actually , he couldn 't wait to get home , now he worked overtime every day and spends the better part of the night having drinks or barbecue with his boys . They were his rock . Without them , he would have jumped off that bridge a while ago . Therapy was working well and he had found faith somehow . He prayed a lot . He still thought about her . Four years of history is hard to let go especially because of how she left and the mess she left behind . The mess he had been cleaning up for a whole year now . Theirs wasn 't a story with happy ending but it had a beautiful albeit quick beginning . They had met in college where they were both pursuing master 's degrees in different fields . It wasn 't love at first sight , far from it actually . He hated her , well hate is a strong word though that is what he felt for her now , back then it was more dislike . He should have stuck to his gut feeling but he was in a dark place back then which probably wasn 't the right time to get into any relationship but especially not with her . He had lost his mother a few months before they met . She had died in her sleep . The autopsy said it was a brain aneurysm . There was nothing anyone could have done . At the funeral , Shaka had stayed back as everyone left for home . He fell to his knees beside the freshly filled grave and wailed . She was a mean soul but he loved her to her dying breath . His father had run off with another woman when Shaka was just 11 years old . He had left Shaka , his baby sister then only 3 years old and their mother alone . They weren 't destitute ; she was a career nurse , doing well at a local private hospital . They lived in a nice house which they owned and lacked nothing , nothing but the warmth of love . His father had left him something , something Shaka wished he could scrape off ; his face . Since he was a baby , everyone knew who his father was . He had his eyes , his nose , his jaw even his hairline . He truly was his father 's son . At the beginning this was something he drove great pride from because even as a child because everyone around him would make such a big fuss of it . But then that night came when an eleven year old boy 's life was turned upside down . It was late but Shaka had always been a light sleeper . He heard his parents arguing , it was loud and pretty heated . As a curious kid of course he went out of his room to eavesdrop . His sister was asleep in her room . He walked to the staircase and sat on the top step . He could see both of them in the hall way downstairs . They were both very angry , screaming over each other like they were competing who could scream loudest . He had never seen either of them this angry . At the time , he couldn 't really understand what was going on exactly . They would always fight in their bedroom if ever and even then , it would be in hush hush tones . " Sawa ! ( Fine ! ) Kwani wafikiri tutakufa ukienda kwa huyo malaya wako ? ! ( You think we will die if you ran off with that prostitute ? ) his mother shouted back . Shaka saw his father walk toward the staircase . It was too late to run to his room . His father stared at him for a few seconds at the bottom step , sighed then rushed up the stairs to their bedroom . Shaka ran to his room . A few minutes later , he heard a door bang shut , someone going down the stairs and the front door open and bang shut . He ran to the window and looked outside . As his father walked up to his car , Shaka silently willed him to turn around . Maybe if he saw his grief - stricken son 's face he would come back . He did turn around , their eyes did meet , he did see the tears fall down Shaka 's face but he did not come back . Shaka never saw his father again and his mother , well , any specks of gentleness she had left walked right out the door with that man . Shaka knew she tried so hard to shield them from the darkness that slowly crept over her over the years that were to follow and so he always tried to be a good boy . His sister tried too . They both did exceptionally well in school , did all their chores on time and essentially just stayed out of their mothers way . The hugs , the ' I love yous ' , they all stopped soon enough and all that remained when a little boy and a little girl hugged their mother was a quick pat on the back and instructions for the next day 's chores . After a while , they all just stopped trying . Now as Shaka watched his woman walk away , he racked his brain trying to figure out what he had done to make her leave . It must have been his fault somehow . People don 't just leave , right ? I 've never been to outer space but I knew this one girl whose head Was always in the clouds . She had the weirdest explanations for everything . She hated how much time we wasted doing simple ordinary things . Waking up , washing your face , brushing your teeth , taking a shower , eating . Yeah , she loathed the whole culture around eating ; specifically the very act of chewing . I know , who would take an actual stand against chewing ? Well , she did And would take the time to explain it to each and every one of her friends . She was a lawyer by profession and an astrologist by passion . She had studied for both and I feel somehow , one world had merged into the other . Suited up during the day ; killing it in court . Sweat pants and comic character tees at night holding stargazing sessions from her balcony . She had one of those huge telescopes . I never climbed mount everest but I knew this one guy who did . He used to say he 's never seen a view so breathtakingly beautiful . He 's into extreme sports . He was saving up to go to space . He said he had conquered all of the world 's wonders and that he was ready for the galaxy . I never sailed the open seas but one day I sat next to this old man on a bus and he told me that it was the greatest feeling ever . He used to be a fisherman , a really good one at that . The bus ride was 8 hours long , I didn 't sleep a wink , I just listened to the old man . His silver gray hair glistened in the moonlight peering through the window . He noticed me gazing and said the salt water gives it that shine . Is there anything sea water cannot do ? He said he had had several close calls at sea . Showed me a few scars . Shark bites . Rope burns . Fish hooks gone rogue . Run in with pirates . I mean I fear driving on dry land , I even dropped out of driving school if you can believe that . I can 't even imagine being at sea ; captain of a fishing boat . I never got his name but his face is permanently etched in my brain . I have never been to Disneyland but I have a friend , her name is Ivy . She has some kind of personality disorder , I forget the name . Anyway , one time she mixed her meds with ecstasy and weed . I dont know what she was thinking . So for three days , she was convinced she was an evil queen in search of the ' fountain of immortality ' . Everyone at the hospital had to play along . There were knights , maidens of the court , there was a prince ( she said the king died at war ) , there was even a court jester . The poor orderly had to tell her jokes and perform magic tricks whenever she called . She had had the previous one hung for defiance . Haha ! That was funny . I had gone to visit her at the hospital and I found a gathering in her room of a few nurses and hospital staff . I actually thought something was wrong with Ivy so I Panicked only to be told they were having a mock hanging . They actually had to get some tubing , put it around the guy 's neck and he had to make it look like he was actually choking then they brought in a gurney and carried him out . the drugs passed through her system in a few days and when she came back to her senses she could actually remember everything she had done . We still laugh about it to date . She still says those were the best days of her life . My uterus came to visit me last night . She walked right through the glass door . I really should put markings on it . I just heard the thud then the crash . It was a few minutes after 9pm but I was already in bed . I was feeling a bit feverish that night so I decided to retire early with a damp cloth over my forehead and the bitter aftertaste of ginger on my tongue . A friend had suggested chewing on raw ginger may ease the fever and it actually did for a few hours . She came into my room , leaving a trail of blood in her step . She sat down on a stool next to my bed . I handed her the towel I hang on my headboard , it was my favorite towel and also the most absorbent . She soaked right through it in minutes . Typical . Sorry about your door . She said with a shrug . It 's fine . I answered . If anyone was to come crashing into my house in the middle of the night , it would be you . It looked like she wanted to talk so I sat up and listened . " I know I don 't usually do these pre - visits with you ; ours is not a regular relationship but I just thought I should come over and give you a sense of what 's coming this month . It 's going to be a tough one . Remember how a few days ago you suddenly started thinking about that lovely young man you are kind of still hang up on ? Yeah the one you , against my advice confessed your love to and he told you , you are not even in his top ten priorities at the time ? You almost lost the whole friendship with that one move . Anyhow , so a few days ago you start thinking hard about him and you even reach out to him but didn 't hear back . You even thought of maybe just getting on a bus and going out to visit him in Kericho . Thankfully you were too broke to go so you just stayed home and cried about how your whole love life is a mess . Yeah , that was me . I thought this month I 'd start early by sprinkling a bit of nostalgia on your mushy heart . Let 's not forget the meat craving you 've had all month . Though you should probably get that checked , it 's not all me . Could be a deficiency of some kind . You can thank me later . So here 's the low down . You 'll have a fever for 2 days , hotter than any you 've had before . It will come with muscle and joint pains and a slight headache . You will also be feeling very wet in your special place prompting you to check check several times only to find nothing . So you 'll opt to sleep in a pad because you 'll be at your friend 's place and you wouldn 't want her waking up in a pool of your blood and for a millisecond think she may have just killed you in her sleep . Ha - ha ! It 's funny , no ? Anyway , you 'll wake up dry as can be but still feverish and weak , oh and also there will be slight pain on one side of your throat which will grow gradually to a point where you will have a lot of trouble swallowing . Oh and also because the whole system is connected , it will be a combo of a throat ache , a jaw ache , a toothache , an ear ache and a headache all on one side . You should probably get really strong pain meds before rushing home from your friend 's place which is what I know you will do . You are such a big baby when you get sick , that 's why you prefer dealing with it by yourself , whining and crying into your pillow , cursing at the heavens and calling out the depths of hell . Remember that one time you actually begged God to supernaturally remove me and place me on your nightstand for four days and then put me back into you when it was done . The big guy and I had such a laugh that day . Lucky for you this time you 'll be so full of antibiotics and pain meds , you won 't feel the slightest cramp . I 'll have a surprise for you though . You know how you still bite the sides of your fingers and sometimes your nails ? You are always fiddling with those things against medical and social advice . Remember that bacterial infection you had when you were younger because of it ? Well , guess who 's coming back over ten years later with a vengeance ? Yup , Cynthia , meet your long lost nemesis , Miss . Acute Paronychia . She 'll just be living in one finger this time but she 'll come with all her toys ; redness , swelling , pain , pus . She 'll even threaten to jump into another finger so you 'll feel the urge to walk around with your fingers spread like you have jiggers crawling under your skin . Thankfully with the antibiotics you 'll be taking for your inflamed throat , you will be able to kill two birds with one stone . Miss . Acute and I will leave at around the same time but the nastiness she will have unleashed on your finger ; that will linger on for another week or so . The cold symptoms will never develop into a full blown cold but it will definitely feel like one . You 'll be chilly from the cold and have heat flashes at the same time courtesy of me of course . You 'll perform the ' blanket off - blanket on ' routine like a ritual in your sleep ( if any ) . A nightmare of you and your best friend ( whom you have conveniently syncronised with ) being shot and bleeding out on the ground might make its debut . Now that 's going to be scary . A few more weird dreams might be screening but you can blame that on your own wild imagination . The flow shall be thick and heavy as usual so no surprises there . It will only be made worse by the coughing and sneezing because any time you do either , you 'll feel like someone just blew up a dam in your panties . You might feel the urge to punch a few people especially the smiley ones and those who insist on sharing the same air - space with you but you know how to smile through that or look so gangster that no one dares to speak to you so you 'll be fine . Taking public transportation will be My jaw was all the way to the ground with every detail she threw at me . I wasn 't sure if I should thank her for the warning or just go to a hospital and have them knock me out for the next five to seven days . She must have seen the horror in my face because she put the towel down , walked up and got into bed with me , wrapped her tubes around me gently and sang me to sleep . I woke up the next day , she was gone . I found the towel soaked in water in the bathroom . I went to the kitchen and found my roommate making breakfast . She had called fundis to fix the door . Your uterus came over for a visit last night huh ? She asked . Yeah . I said . You need a hug huh ? She asked as she grabbed me and held me tightly . Yeah , and keep them coming . It 's going to be one hell of a week . I replied . She was slender , but she gave the tightest and warmest hugs . The incredible hulk saved my life yesterday . He took the syringe from my hands and threw it out through the open window . You know those were for the dog right ? I asked him in shock . The doctor says I have to give him injections thrice a day . I hate doing it because he always looks at me dead in the eye with those sad puppy eyes , like you are right now . I said to him and sat him on the edge of my bed . It 's ok , you 've had a long day , why don 't you go watch some TV as I get dinner ready and prepare for the guests . I told him as I led him into the living room area and turned on the TV . He just sat there flipping through the channels , I think it relaxes him . We all know we need him relaxed ; no one wants a giant green thingy terrorizing the neighbours . My relationship with the landlord was already dicey after a few incidents I would rather not get into right now . I took out more medication for Papi , my puppy . I had to inject him through the neck . The vet said that the medicine would get into his system quicker that way . Just three more days of it and the poor thing would be in the clear . I found the little guy abandoned down the street , next to the overflowing county garbage bin . No one really emptied it anymore after the last workers ' strike . Every last civil servant and county staff were fired and new ones quickly shipped in from the neighbouring countries in the region to take over . Of course they were paid as expats and the country was practically oozing dollars all because the government refused to yield . This ego business was soon going to bring us to our knees . I wish I could say it wasn 't my circus but the bin was a few hundred metres away from our apartment building , I had to go by it to get to my place . I would always rush by to get minimum whiff of the stench . There was a rundown settlement right next to it . I wondered how people lived there with the smell from the bin and busted sewer lines that sent waste flowing in the shallow trenches that ran beside the shacks . They had to keep digging them reOn that day I slowed down because I heard a muffled sound coming from the other side of the bin . I moved in closer to check after I picked up a rock just in case . It was a tiny rock , the size of my fist ; not really the kind of thing that could protect you from say , a rabid dog but hey , it did give me a false sense of security . The tiny thing was lying in a box covered in black goo . I teared up soon as I saw it . I didn 't even know if it was a cat , a dog , a rat or some mutated animal thingy . I took off my scarf and scooped it up . I managed to wipe of most of the gunk and that 's when it opened up its eyes and looked right into mine . I can 't explain what I felt in that moment exactly but I think I saw a glimpse of myself in the wretched animal . It fell right asleep in my arms like it somehow knew it had found a home . I took it home , bathed it , fed it , called him Papi and I guess the rest is history . Papi fell sick often for the next few months but the vet said that was because of all the filth he had been exposed to and also because he never really breastfed at all . I wondered if his mother ever looked for him . Catwoman saved my life last night . She came in through the fire escape on my balcony . I didn 't even hear her come in . She knocked the bottle of pills from my hand and held me for what felt like hours . You don 't have to do this Anike . You 'll be fine . She said in a whisper . Ummm , I just had a headache and needed Panadol and I kind of mixed everything together in one bottle so I had a lot pf pills in my hand because I was trying to get the right ones . She let go of me quickly ; I could see the embarrassment in her eyes . What 's for dinner ? She asked quickly desperate to put that awkward mushy moment behind us . I followed her cue and gave her a breakdown of the menu . Right , so I will need to borrow your pants , the ones with an elastic band at the waist because this leather costume will not be able to handle what 's about to happen . She said and went straight to rummaging through my closet . They are right where you left them last time woman ! I said as I pulled them out of a drawer and handed them to her . She proceeded to undress down to her underwear . Well that escalated quickly , I said with a chuckle and briskly walked to the kitchen . I mean who wants to see their superheroes naked ? Don 't answer that . So what 's up with the little - big guy ? Catwoman asked pointing toward the hulk on the sofa . I didn 't even hear her come into the kitchen . Maybe we should put a bell around you ? I said jokingly . She wasn 't amused . He had a really bad day at work at the lab . I started to tell her the story . This other scientist had been using the lab 's funding and equipment to create some kind of freaky robots . They looked like human - sized dolls made of silicon but with a computer brain ( I was simplifying it because I didn 't understand the science jargon he used but I got the gist ) . Anyway , this mad - scientist had them in some bunker not too far from the lab and claimed they were the ' greatest breakthrough in artificial intelligence applications in warfare ' . Soon the robots could talk like humans , walk like humans and even hold real conversations . He would have them watch all kinds or war movies and train in war scenarios . A few broke loose and slaughtered the guards and a couple of doctors that were there but thankfully did not escape from the bunker . Violence was all they knew after all . They had to shut down the project and destroy the robots . It was gruesome . They also screamed like humans . Hulk or rather Bruce Banner ( his human alter - ego , the brilliant scientist ) was there for all of it as lead supervisor . It took a lot out of him ; I have no idea how he managed to keep calm . I finished . Cat woman looked at me and winked . I knew what it meant . The rizzlers and grinder are on that shelf and you know where to find the rest . Do you need a pen or something to help roll it ? I asked her . She rolled her eyes at me and sighed . Do I look like an amateur Anike ? She asked . Relax , my bad . I told her and blew her a kiss . She 's so touchy that one . I heard the bell ring and went to open the door for the rest of the dinner guests . My younger sister Amina and her boyfriend Batman , who had to introduce himself every time he walked into a room even though we could all see the costume and he would always forget to put the bat - mobile in stealth mode . We could hear him coming from a mile away . Shoes on the rack , drinks are on the table and no one talk to Bruce till he 's had his fix . I announced as I ushered them in . The landlord had come too with Mrs . Maanake nonetheless . They both tried to hide the fact that they came together but I got a knowing look from Mrs . Maanake . I couldn 't wait for that story . A couple more people from the apartment building came too even though I do not remember inviting anyone else . It must have been one of those polite ' I 'm inviting you but hoping you won 't come ' situations . There was more than enough food and drinks though so , the more the merrier I guess . Soon the room was filled with music and chatter . Batman was showing off his latest tech and bragging about how not even Ironman could come up with half the things he did . Oh , how I wished Ironman was here , and then we 'd have a ' tech ' - measuring contest right in my living room . And I only say ' tech ' because this is supposed to be a PG story . Ha - ha ! Catwoman busted me staring at the hulk . Stop drooling and just tell the man how you feel . She nudged . Yeah , well you couldn 't tell Batman how you felt five years ago and now he 's engaged to my sister so you are one to talk . I nudged back and quickly regretted it when I saw the sadness that had crept into her eyes . Sorry love ; I guess some wounds never heal . I said and gave her a pat on the back . I 've never been much of a hugger . Whatever ; here 's to past ' what ifs ' and women in love with angry green giants ( he 's never been a monster for me and even he was , I 'd still be madly in - love with him ) ! She said as she handed me a glass filled with a mix of everything . Here ! Here ! I said and downed whatever that was . It didn 't taste good at all . Like he knew we were talking about him , the hulk looked up straight at me and smiled . I lost the feeling in my legs and almost dropped the salad bowl . Cat woman just burst out laughing and took the bowl from my hands . I really should get new friends ; superheroes can be mean . Superman saved me that night ; he came in through the window . I didn 't even know I had left it open . I knew it was him because I heard a slight whoosh when he glided in . Plus , he had a cape and I don 't think those are in fashion yet . I live on the fifth floor , the house in the corner with the red door . All other houses had black doors . I painted it myself . The landlord threw a fit when he saw the * wet paint , do not touch * sign I had stuck on the wall but I think it was the smell of freshly baked brownies that really made him ring the door bell . By the time we were on the fifth piece of chocolate goodness it was all laughs from the bad puns . He asked for a wet wipe for his red finger tips , ' next time , read the sign man ' I said as I ushered him out of my big red door . That was the last time I ever spoke to him face to face but I 'd always get the usual monthly email reminder when rent was due . I preferred it that way , no need to get too social with people who you are in business agreements with . When his wife was sick , I baked brownies and made cheesy shrimp pasta and took it over . He wasn 't home . That month I didn 't receive the email , he probably wrote it and forgot to hit send . I paid my rent on time either way . Superman came into my bedroom ; well , the space that is my bedroom in my dainty studio apartment . He took the knife from my hand and bent it halfway . He looked in shock at the blood dripping from my hands . I will save you , he said and whipped his cape to the side . Another whoosh . I 'm making blood sausage ( mutura ) , you can stay for some if you want . I had just gone into the bedroom to check on the window , just in time too . Sorry about the knife , let me just bend it back , yes ? He said as he got cozy on my couch , took the remote and flipped the channels . Guess what program he lands on ; Justice league ; narcissistic much ? Wonder Woman saved my life that night . I had left my kitchen window open . I really should put a child lock on those things . She took the rope from my hand and threw it out the window . The goat was watching silently in the corner and jolted past us soon as the rope hit the ground . Thankfully the red door was locked so it just sat downdown infront of it dejectedly . I 've never heard a goat sigh but I 'm sure that was the sound the poor thing made . We 'll have to use your lasso to tie him up or he 'll get poop everywhere . My bad , didn 't know the rope was for him , WonderWoman said sadly . She carried the goat with such ease and walked to the balcony . She took the lasso off her belt and tied the goat onto the rails . She stood there for a bit and just gazed at the clear sky . I never thought superheroes got sad . I think you could use a hug . I whispered as I took her in my arms and squeezed . She cried on my shoulder , her tears stung like hot acid . Ok that 's enough , I only have the one layer of skin . I make bad jokes in uncomfortable emotionally intense situations . Go keep superman company on the couch , the blood sausage will be ready in no time . I told her and ushered her into the living room . She walked to the living room space , said a flat hello to Superman and sat down on a pillow farthest from the alien man . I wondered what that was about . I divided the mutura ; half for me and half for the barbecue the tonight . The Home Owners Association in my apartment building throw a party biannually . That 's when you get to meet the big wigs ; private developers , real estate gurus , the kind that own half of the ground you walk on ; corner office CEOs and other forms of gold toothed business moguls . They hand you their glossy matte - laminated cards and flash empty smiles , there is no soul in those eyes , just tinted windows . We are together you know , tuko pamoja , they say as they whiff past you to the open bar . I prefer staying behind the grill , feeding their thirsty stomachs ; shoving juicy , meaty goodness down their hungry throats . The blood sausage is divine Anike , they tell me as they go for another piece . I take a few plates and serve the watchmen , I give them the best cuts . After all they let me bring in the goats and chicken for the barbecue among other things . They even help me tie them onto the rails on my balcony and feed them if I 'm not around . They also water my precious herbs when I 'm away . Superman and Wonder Woman make an entrance . Together . I guess they made up . Superman in a black tuxedo and wonder woman in a long cocktail dress . A bit much for a barbecue but you know aliens and their big gestures . They immediately become the life of the party telling and retelling the story of how they saved the girl in the apartment with the red door . The one who makes the brownies ? The barbecue expert ? I let them have their moment , they probably really need it . Time for dessert ! I move to the dessert table . There are a few cakes , truffles , a three layer pie and my signature brownies . I have to make sure everyone takes just one otherwise there was going to be a riot . I put in extra chocolate and more than just a dash of my secret ingredient . I grow my own herbs . Everyone always asks what herb I use specifically . If I tell you it won 't be a secret anymore would it ? I say with a chuckle . I served every piece with a generous pouring of hot fudge , a scoop of French vanilla ice cream and a spray whipped cream around it . I get a knowing smile from each person as they leave the dessert table . They 've all tasted my brownies before but it 's always a new experience each time . That should hold them over for a while . I say to the other servers and walk back to the grill . 2am and the party was still lit . Second round of meat , drinks and dessert was underway . Superman and Wonder Woman were seated by the bonfire . Wonder woman 's legs stretched out towards the fire , the slit on her dress coming up to her ample thighs . She had a curious tatoo running from her left ankle up and disappearing graciously into her dress . Focus ! Don 't burn the meat Anike ! She smiles my way , I wink and smile back . Your rack of ribs is almost ready ! I shout to her . Don 't forget your special barbecue sauce ! She shouts back . She drinks that stuff like juice . That woman can eat . I love it ! The Green Lantern saved my life that night . When I heard the whoosh , at first I thought maybe superman had gone up to use the bathroom . He never just walks anywhere that one . The green , glowing alien knocked the lighter fluid out of my hands and took the lighter from my other hand . Fine then , you can light the fire yourself . I snapped at him and walked away . He came after me , swooshed in front of me on a green skateboard . Sorry Anike , I lit your fire , better get to it before it goes out again . Sorry for snapping at you , I told him and pointed to where the other aliens were seated . He turned the skateboard into green roller blades and rolled over to them . This guy with his antics , sha ! Dawn crept up on us like a teenager sneaking back home from a party she / he was forbidden to attend . As the first rays of the sun hit the ground , everyone kind of paired up with whomever was closer and headed for whoever 's home was closest . I called cabs for a few , including Mrs . Maanake . I was wrapping up the last of the meat for one of the guests to take home when her and her partner for the night walked up to the grill . Would you mind holding on to these and calling one of your cab guys for me please . She smiled as she handed me the man 's car keys . Mrs . Maanake lived on the fourth floor with her husband . Sometimes before he took his usual long business trips , he 'd come up and ask if I could check up on her once in a while . She gets lonely you know , he 'd say . Of course , tell her she can come over anytime . We 'll bake brownies , share recipes , you know , girl stuff . I 'd tell him and somehow that gave him peace of mind . Convinced him that his wife would still be his and his alone when he got back . Let me know when you 'll be coming to pick them , I tell Mrs . Maanake as I put the keys in my jeans pocket . You are such a gem Anike . She smiles and goes back to smooching the gentleman by her side . I know I 'll get the full lowdown when she gets back . I don 't know why she shares stories of her escapades with me or why I look forward to hearing them every time . I guess I like to live vicariously through her . The aliens waved from a distance signalling that they were about to take off too . Are you sure you can fly in that , Wonder Woman ? I ask her pointing to her beautiful dress and stilettos . You are a funny woman Anike . She shouts back and whoosh ! All three of the them disappear into the night 's sky . The watch - men help me clear up what 's left and carry the grill to my place . Thanks guys and good day . Good day Miss . Anike . I go into the kitchen , get a tub of pistachio ice cream , a large spoon and collapse on the couch . I was still riled up from the excitement of the night so I knew I wouldn 't be able to fall asleep for a while . So I just sat down , music playing in the background and fantasized about all the superheroes in my life ; saving me even when I 'd never admit I need saving . Once there was a family of pretty worms , well as far as worms can be pretty . They all lived in an abandoned anthill . Each had their own room of course and slept on a soft bed of ant exoskeletons left behind by the former tenants . No one knew why the ants left just that now a family of pretty worms had a big home . East wing , West wing , North and South wing , 1200 bedrooms in all to share among six , seven , ten worms currently . Mommy kept popping them out so who knew how many they were really . Some were long 20 , 30 , 100mm long . Some were short 5 , 10 , 15mm or thereabouts and among the shortest ones was Boo , well that wasn 't his name , worms don 't have names but this one always thought he did . He was like the rest in every way , he was brown and slimy on the outside and gooey on the inside . But everyone said he had a weird twinkle in his eyes . See Boo was born during a strange season . They had just moved into their new home . Everything was so cold and eerie and not even because there were broken pieces of dead - ant scattered all over , I mean that only meant free furniture for the worms . There was an easy explanation too ; rain and wind must have simply unearthed the ants ' burial grounds and spread it around . But there was an odd feeling in the anthill at that time but Mommy chucked it up to ' new house heebie jeebies ' . It was during this season that Boo was born . It 's a funny story really . Mommy wasn 't due for another few days and despite Doc urging her to complete bed rest , she decided to take a walk around the home , down to the North wing , up the steps , down the shoot and around the pool , well it was more like a puddle with the sides reinforced with mostly ant skeletons cemented with ant poop . While gazing into the pool , suddenly Mommy saw ant eyes staring back at her ; hollow , dark eyes looking up at her from afar . As she gazed deeper she saw them coming closer and closer and , ' Aargh ! Construction worms ! ' Mommy thought as she looked up to the frightened worm holding a shovel . In the midst of the thought she thought she heard the faintest cry and felt something slither beneath her . She looked down only to see the cutest little worm staring up at her with the biggest gleaming eyes she had ever seen on a baby worm . And that was how the name ' Boo ' came up as in " Peek - a - boo , I just came out of you " , at least according to Boo himself . Boo was an odd little fellow growing up as if he was born on his head or something but everyone loved everyone in the worm family . They put extra cushions on his seat at the dining table so he could reach the top . Every time he was happy , the twinkle in his eye would somehow get brighter . One day during a family outing , Boo got a little lost , well as much as worms can get lost . All he had to do was follow the slimy trail or the trail of slime back home . So let 's just say Boo intentionally got lost or lost himself because through the twinkle in his eye he had seen something magical . Right in the middle of the forest stood a tall tree . A tree so magnificent , it towered above all others that seemed to form a sort of protective ring around it . It looked like a ballerina , I think , with a bright spot light shone on her ; beautiful and handsome at the same time . Boo was drawn to it . In the days to come , Boo dreamt only of the tree . He wondered what it must be like to be the tree ; tall , handsome , beautiful , the envy of all . Don 't get him wrong , Boo loved his life , his home , his family , he wouldn 't trade it for anything . But for some reason he felt sad for the trees that weren 't so tall , so magnificent , and so shiny . " Were they sad too ? " He wondered . He wondered if in some way , maybe he could help them grow tall . I don 't know why a tiny worm would think that but this one did . Day in , day out he watched , he planned , 3 days in all . And right then , Boo knew what to do . He set out , slimy trail following . He found the smallest tree among them that surrounded the ' Ballerina tree ' and lo and behold , right at the heart of the tree 's trunk was a hole carved out . Boo didn 't know who had carved it out , maybe it was the same person who put everything in place because how else could a little worm explain how everything in his small world came to be and how so very perfect it all was . He didn 't have 3 more days to fathom it all , time was running out and he was on a mission . |
When I was picking out my Father 's Day cards , I found all sorts of possible combinations : from daughter to father , from father to grandfather , from son - in - law to father - in - law , even one from the dog ( I 'm not kidding about that ) . I did not , however , see any that were geared specifically to a stepdad . It can be a little tricky , picking out the right card for a stepfather . It makes me wonder if the card industry has decided that stepfathers aren 't really family , or maybe they 're just hoping someone will make up a separate Stepfather 's Day so they can cash in even more . In case there 's any question , though , I 'd like to lay out the case for why my stepdad is definitely family and should absolutely get a Father 's Day card . I think that , if you read all of my reasons , you 'll end up agreeing - and if any of you work for card companies , maybe you 'll come up with a few card options for next year . I took this for granted when I was growing up . If I had a concert , everybody went . That 's just how it was . Now that I 'm old enough to have to be fortunate enough to sit through go to children 's concerts myself , I understand just how much that meant , because those concerts are terrible horrible GODAWFUL . When I was a child , I thought my choir or band or whatever was usually pretty good , and comparatively speaking , we probably were . But that 's like saying that sour milk smells comparatively better than rotten eggs . It may be true , but that 's still really , really bad , and he sat through it over and over and over , knowing how dreadful it was going to be , because he wanted to support me . That 's family . Not just once . Not just when there were elevators . Twice a summer every summer while I was in college , and about a half - dozen times since then , almost always when it was either sweltering or freezing cold with icy rain just to keep things fun . It 's not just help moving furniture , either , it 's cleaning up the apartment ( including bathrooms ) and fixing leaks and figuring out why that light fixture isn 't working and I don 't even know what else , because he does it all while I 'm off doing something easy , and he does it without being asked , which is good because I 'd never have the nerve to ask him to do half the things he does . That 's family . I once had a seven - week gap between apartment leases , and I had to ask my mom and stepdad to take the cats in while I rented a room for those seven weeks . I don 't know that I would ever describe my stepdad as a cat person . I think he 's the kind of guy that , if he had to have pets , he would pick a dog , but he 'd just as soon not have anything else to have to clean up after . He took the cats in without a murmur , though , and let them have their catty way with his house . I even heard stories of him letting " that brown cat " ( my siamese ) curl up on his head at night , but I 'm not sure I can believe that one without pictures ( oh please , Mom , tell me there are pictures ! ) . Subjecting his wall - to - wall carpeting to creatures whose favorite pastime is horking up most of the food they just ate was really testing the limits , but he did it because I needed him to and never once complained . That 's family . I love my dad . A lot of the things I do , I do because I want him to be proud of me . A lot of the things that keep me up at night are things that would disappoint him . Most of the time , these things motivate me to make good choices ( saving for retirement ! yay ! ) . Sometimes , not so much ( don 't follow that dream ! it 's not sensible ! ) . But that 's on me because those are my choices . At the heart of every one of those things that my dad wants for me , and that I want to do to make him proud , is his wish for me to be happy . That 's how you know that someone is family . Underneath all of the fighting and nagging and drama and stress , you all truly want each other to be happy . So I make good choices because I don 't want to disappoint my father , who wants me to be happy , or my stepfather , who wants the same thing . I want to make them both proud because they 're both family . I defy you to hear those reasons and then tell me that my stepdad doesn 't need a Father 's Day card . As an adopted child with stepparents , I can tell you categorically that blood is neither the beginning nor the end of family . Hallmark and the other greeting card companies just need to get with it . Although , I did find a pretty good card for my stepdad this year . On the front , it asked " Where would I be without you ? " , and on the inside it said " Yes , but which prison ? " Really , I think that sums it all up , don 't you ? In my very tasteful study , with my very tasteful furniture and my very tasteful collection of objets d ' art , I have a very old , very dilapidated stuffed bee . Its name is Bombee , so named by my sister when she was too young to be able to pronounce " bumblebee " correctly . Bombee actually lucked out , name - wise ; my sister 's other stuffed animals were called things like Horse , Bear , and ( the pinnacle of her creative expression ) Whitey , a stuffed white whale . Just call her Ishmael . At some point , Bombee got passed down to me . I vaguely remember my sister getting upset about this , but whenever I start to feel bad about it , I remember having to wear all her hand - me - down bellbottoms . In the Eighties . So I don 't feel too guilty that I ended up with Bombee . Later on , I also swiped a John Lennon t - shirt of hers , and I don 't feel bad about that , either . The bellbottoms were polyester , and one pair was bright red . Bombee is a bit of a puzzle to me . Specifically , I 'm puzzled about why , out of all my childhood toys and family mementos , the one I choose to display is a stuffed bee that looks like it has mange . What kind of a kid cuddles a stuffed bumblebee , anyway ? At that age , the extent of my knowledge of bees was that it hurts when they sting , and sometimes their stings make people puff up and have to go to the hospital . I guess I 've made worse choices when it comes to naptime companions , but it 's still pretty weird . I wouldn 't even say that Bombee was my favorite toy as a child . I 've had plenty of other toys I loved and played with more - for a while , at least ; a lot of those other toys ended up breaking pretty quickly . I thought for years that it was my fault until I realized that the toys that broke were almost always the ones my parent found most annoying . Still , even my quiet toys all eventually got thrown out , passed along , or packed away , and now there 's just the mangy second - hand bumblebee and I don 't really know why . If I had to guess , I might start with how it reminds me of my sister . After all , Bombee was hers before it was mine . She named it , played with it , and loved it , and I worshipped my sister . I still do , really , but these memories come from the very beginning of my life , and my sister was like a god to me then . Everything she did was perfect because she did it , and everything she loved was good because she loved it . Sure , I could just hang up a family photograph . But when was the last time you took a picture off the wall and cradled it because it held the blessing of your sister 's love ? And if that 's how I 'd start , then I think I 'd end with how Bombee is the first toy I can remember . I used to tuck it into the crook of my arm while I sucked my thumb . I think I even still wore onesies . Bombee has been in my story from the beginning , when I was too young to be able to pronounce " bumblebee " and much too young to be self - conscious about the shabbiness of my stuffed companion . Bombee lived with me in the kingdom where nobody dies . I guess I 'm not ready to let go of that just yet . Categories : humor Tags : bees , childhood , family , funny , memories , stuffed animals , toys My Granddad And The Summer Of The Flying Bears The Favorite ( Georgios Jakobides ) ; image in the public domainWhen I was little , I spent most of my summers at my granddad 's house , and my favorite part of spending time with my granddad was listening to his stories . He would never say a word until I 'd finished my chores , and I used to hurry so fast through all the scrubbing and dishwashing that my grandma said I should come with my own caution sign because the floor around me was always wet . But I just wanted to hear the stories . He didn 't tell his stories to just anybody , either . People would come by the house and ask about this story or that one , and mostly my granddad would answer them , but sometimes he didn 't . When I asked him about it , he said he didn 't mind telling a story just to pass the time , but talking to a person who 'd already made up his mind not to believe you was just plain dumb . I was still young enough that I didn 't understand what he meant , but looking back , I guess he wasn 't wrong . The summers I stayed with my grandparents , if I wasn 't begging my granddad for a story , I was begging him to let me play with the flying bears . I 've never heard of any other place in the world where the bears could fly , but where my granddad lived , you almost couldn 't get them to stop . It got to be a problem after they built an airport near the town ; pilots would look up to see a bear in the sky ahead of them banking left , and they 'd be so busy staring at the bear that they 'd steer off course and end up halfway to the next state before they thought to look at the controls again . Of course , these days all the controls are automatic , so that isn 't a problem anymore . The flying bears loved hearing my granddad 's stories as much as I did , and it was a rare night when we didn 't see at least one bear touch down in the garden . It just about drove my poor grandma crazy because they 'd always land in the vegetable patch and trample the vegetables , and she couldn 't get anything to grow there until my granddad built a little landing strip for the bears in the field out back . Even then she 'd still mutter about paw marks on her linoleum , but I saw her putting out a bowl of acorns and pine nuts once or twice when she thought no one was looking . I used to play with the cubs while the grownup bears visited with my granddad . I don 't know how many times I got told to stay on the ground , but you can 't expect a child not to ride on the back of a flying bear cub and do barrel rolls just above the treetops when the chance is right in front of her . We used to fly way up near the stars , and I would tell the cubs all the stories my granddad told me about the constellations and what they meant . The cubs tried to teach me how to sing bear - song a few times , but I don 't think I ever got it quite right . I asked my granddad once how the bears learned to fly , because the cubs said it just sort of happened , like walking or swimming . My granddad told me that , back when he was young , the bears couldn 't fly at all . One day , though , a bear cub climbed almost to the top of a tree when the branch he was standing on started to creak , and he realized the branches that high up were too small to hold him . The cub got scared and couldn 't climb down , and his mama couldn 't climb up after him because she was too heavy and the branches would break . None of the bears knew what to do . The branch kept creaking and the bear cub kept crying until his poor mama was half out of her mind . Finally she couldn 't take any more , and she reared up on her hind legs and jumped as high as she could toward her cub . Instead of falling back to the ground like all the other bears thought she would , though , she just kept going higher and higher . She flew all the way up the tree until she was high enough to grab her cub just as the branch he was standing on snapped through , and if her landing was a little clumsy , well , no one thought any the worse of her for it . My granddad got that story from the mama bear herself , though she never shared it with another human being . She told my granddad that she wasn 't scared at all on the way up , but the whole time she was flying back down , she was convinced the wind was blowing off all her fur and she was going to crash to the ground as bald as a baby field mouse . She didn 't , of course , and by the time a week had passed nearly all the bears could fly , except for the very old and the very , very young . I got a little older and started going to a different school during the rest of the year . It was a very good school , where they made us wear uniforms and tested us on things we hadn 't learned yet , but the teachers there weren 't very nice . At my old school , my teacher told me he always looked forward to reading my essays about what I 'd done over the summer , so the bears and I made sure to do things my teacher would enjoy reading about when classes started up again . I used to save the essays and read them to my granddad when he stayed with us during the holidays , and he liked them , too , and said he guessed my teacher must be pretty smart . At this new place , when I wrote my summer essay , my new teacher made me stay after class and lectured me about how stories have no place in works of serious nonfiction . I tried to explain about the mama bear and her cub , but my teacher said everybody knew bears couldn 't fly , and then she told me it was time I grew up and made me write a new essay where I copied out the encyclopedia entry on bears . When I got to the end and found out that my teacher was right and bears couldn 't fly , I felt just like that cub did when he climbed too high in the tree , except the mama bear couldn 't rescue me because everybody knows bears can 't fly . My parents didn 't understand why I was so unhappy that fall at my new school , and I never told them . I didn 't want them to know how childish I 'd been . The next time my granddad came for the holidays , he asked to hear my essay and I gave him the copied - out encyclopedia entry . He read it all the way through , frowned at the paper , and then frowned at me until I told him the whole story . When I finished , he frowned at the paper again and threw it into the fire . I asked him if it was true that everyone knows bears can 't fly . He said , " Of course everyone knows bears can 't fly . But the bears don 't know it , and don 't you go telling them . " And I felt better . My granddad passed away not long after that , and it wasn 't more than a few days after his funeral that the bears flew for what turned out to be the last time . Before then , I 'd never seen more than two or three in the air together , but that day so many bears took to the sky at once that they blocked the sun and turned the town almost as dark as midnight , though the clocks said it was 12 noon . In every home and office and store , people stopped what they were doing and went outside to watch the flying bears . We all knew they were telling us goodbye . I was staying with my grandma when it happened . I saw the bears as they skimmed over buildings , circled once above the graveyard , and then flew in a long , slow procession over my grandparent 's house . I saw all the young cubs I 'd played with , now almost grown and looking far too dignified ever to have done barrel rolls . The bears flew down to skim low over the landing strip behind the house , but never landed , instead climbing higher and higher until it became impossible to tell one bear from another . Then they turned toward the west and flew out of sight , and none of them ever came back . I haven 't seen another flying bear since that day . I haven 't even been to the town in years . We sold the house after my grandma died and I never had a reason to go back after that . To own the truth , I don 't much want to go back . I don 't want to see how things have changed since the summers I spent there as a child , and I don 't want to know what the town looks like without my granddad somewhere in it , telling his stories . If I go back now , I 'm not sure I could still believe that bears ever flew there at all . Some days I know they never did . Mother 's Day snuck up on me , which seems appropriate because my mother often does the same thing . I wanted to write a Mother 's Day post this year , partly because I 'm running out of blog topics I have a fantastic mother who 's always worth writing about and partly because I 've had particular reason to appreciate her over the last year . I wasn 't sure quite how to approach it , though . My Sainted Mother has made a number of appearances on this blog already , and most of the stories she wouldn 't mind me telling the entire internet have already been told . Fortunately , I found inspiration in the news . I try to stay educated on current events because , appropriately enough , my mother raised me to believe that it 's my duty to stay informed as a voter and as a member of society . I also like to check to see if we 've gone to war with anyone new since yesterday , and I wish I meant that as a joke . So I took a look at the news and oh , the news , the news did not disappoint . At first I thought it did , and not because of headlines about serial killers , though there were headlines about serial killers . The news I 'm talking about was equally shocking , but it was also , somehow , horrendously mundane . I read articles about political sniping and voters trying to decide which candidate for leader of the free world is the least worst ; interviews in which global atrocities were politicized and romanticized , and in the process trivialized ; and editorials in respected publications demanding that the moral beliefs of private citizens be enforced as law . How can any rational being not be disappointed in news like this ? Inadvertently , however , all that muck made it obvious to me how I should approach this Mother 's Day post . My mother is everything that 's missing from the news today . She 's intelligent , free - thinking , non - judgmental , and familiar with the rules of grammar . ( She 's also , and this is really neither here nor there when it comes to the news , very good - looking . When she went abroad as a young woman , snobby Parisian men lost their snobby Parisian heads over her in spite of her being an American . True story ) . What stands out to me most clearly right now , though , and what has lasted rather longer than the dew on her skin and the gloss in her hair , is how classy she is . Life with my mother is like an Audrey Hepburn movie : it 's beautiful , it 's fun , and it 's clearly better for having her in it . It 's also simply not the same with anyone else . All my life , whenever I 've gone somewhere with my mother , I 've seen the people around her just bloom , and I 've tried for years to pin down why . Other people can be nice , polite , thoughtful , helpful , all those same attributes my mother has , and they don 't have the same effect . You can do the exact things she does and say the exact words she says with all the same tones and inflections , but you won 't get the same results - trust me , I 've tried ; it 's like the beginning of Peter Pan without the fairy dust . But when you 're with my mother , something about her makes the world start acting like a dusty summer garden when it finally rains ; all the beautiful things can lift up their heads and flourish , and they do . In hotels , when she travels , she knows the names of the concierge , the manager , the assistant managers , the coffee shop baristas , the housekeepers , the gardeners , and the maintenance staff . She doesn 't learn their names to curry favor , she does it because she wants to know their names . She knows which waiter in the hotel restaurant has a child applying to colleges and whose grandmother is recovering from surgery , and she also knows which colleges and what kind of surgery . When someone is in distress , she asks if she can do anything and hopes the answer is yes . She 'll read this , I know , and she 'll think I 'm painting a picture of a rosebush and leaving out the thorns . I 'm not . Even my mother can 't deny that I 'm not the kind of person who leaves out the thorns . I 'm just the kind of person who recognizes what she 's got , and I 've got an exceptionally classy mother . This blog post was almost very different , though , because the twist in this particular tale is that I 'm adopted . I suspect that , no matter what the circumstances are , most adopted children never really stop being afraid that they 'll be rejected , and that 's still my biggest fear . Rationally speaking , I know that my adoption is probably not going to be undone after thirty - five years , but tell that to a kid who grew up knowing she 'd been returned to sender once already . My mother ( and father and sister ) gave me a home and a family and I will never stop being grateful for that , but a home and a family couldn 't soothe my fear because they 're the very things I 've been so afraid I 'll lose . It would take a miracle to banish that fear . So my mother performed a miracle . She raised me with a love so strong and so good that it overcame every fear and doubt , and made me believe . She made me hers . My mother gave a motherless child the impossible gift : total and unshakeable faith in her love for me . I will always be her daughter and she will always be my mother . She told me so , and she lives her life with such honor and grace that I could never doubt her . She made room for me in her home and her heart , and she 's my mother not by blood or even by court order , but by a lifetime of love . She 's a class act if ever there was one , and no matter what else is going on in my life or what horrible things are in the news , all I have to do to find the good in this world is think of her . I know that my sister , her biological daughter , feels the same . I 'll never be able to repay my mother for what she 's done for me and been to me . All I can do is say thank you . I 've seen a lot of merchandise out there in anticipation of Father 's Day , or more accurately in anticipation of cashing in on Father 's Day . I 've seen any number of mugs and T - shirts saying " World 's Best Dad " and foam fingers proclaiming the wearer to be " # 1 Dad " . What I haven 't seen is any evidence to back up these claims . I mean , anyone can wear a t - shirt and drink from a mug . Most people can even bring themselves to wear foam fingers from time to time . But I have yet to see a treatise laying out the reasons that one 's particular father is the best in the world . And I think I know why . In keeping with my opening paragraph , I 'm going to lay out the reasons why . I fully realize that many of you may disagree and say that your father is the best in the world , and I 'm ready to admit that there may be a tie for this position , but I 'm going to need to hear the reasons before I concede the stalemate . Here are mine : The Sledgehammer : One of my earliest memories is of my father handing my sister and me a sledgehammer and telling us to knock down a wall . He was remodeling the house from roof to basement , and the house was mostly plaster for a year or two . If you didn 't put a cloth over your belongings , you came back to find them coated in white dust . We 'll find out eventually , I 'm sure , that breathing in plaster causes some horrific medical condition , but it was totally worth it to be a five - year - old wielding an adult - approved sledgehammer . Even if I couldn 't lift it yet . Democrats are Evil : My father and I were arguing about politics one evening . I know , I know , not a good call , but there was an election approaching and I hadn 't yet come up with Life Rule # 37 : Never Argue Politics With Dad . I made some clever , witty observation ( I 'm assuming ; I don 't actually remember ) , and my father , a staunch Republican , made the comment " All Democrats are evil . " I said , a bit miffed , " I 'm a Democrat ! Does that mean I 'm evil ? " To which he replied , " You 're not evil ; you 're just misguided . " Best comeback line ever . BBQ SNAFU : I was out with a few fellow graduate students on a summer afternoon . We went to a local park where there were grills available for public use . We brought hamburger patties , rolls , fixins , charcoal , etc . We totally had it covered . Except that , when we got there , we discovered that no one among the dozen or so of us there actually knew how to use the grill . I hadn 't worried about it because I assumed that all guys know how to do this , which I realize is a total feminist fail . Everyone just sort of milled around , debating possible approaches but never actually doing anything useful , which now that I think about it is a pretty good analogy for grad school in general . I , however , being the daughter of an engineer and a science teacher , knew exactly what to do : I called my father . He gave us step - by - step instructions to get the bricks placed correctly and the fire going , and they worked perfectly . That , however , is not what makes him so awesome . The part of this story that makes him so awesome is that he picked up the phone right away , was totally ready to drop what he was doing to help his daughter , and knew exactly what to do even with no warning . World 's best Dad ! Night School : When I was a little blind baby , my mother went back to school . She went to night school because my Dad worked during the day and , strangely , the school wouldn 't admit a squalling infant . That meant that childcare fell largely to my father in the evenings . You know those commercials where moms fantasize about fathers who happily share child care duties and don 't think it 's somehow emasculating ? My dad is that dad . We hung out , him and me , chillin ' at home while the Moms was in class . He had it under control : diapers ? Check . Formula ? Check . Baby who won 't stop crying until you pick her up and rock her ? Check . Forming unbreakable bond with tiny baby girl ? Massive check . Right now you 're thinking , that is the pinnacle of awesomeness . She can 't possibly top that . And yet , I can : When a Fail Really Isn 't : For those of you who don 't know , I 'm adopted . I was having a conversation with my father recently about health issues . He told me I ought to get such and such checked out because it was a serious issue on my mother 's side of the family . I looked at him a little funny and asked which mother he was talking about , biological or adoptive . He looked completely blank , then sheepish : he forgot I was adopted . He completely forgot that I 'm not his biological daughter because he really , honestly loves me and thinks of me just as if I shared his DNA . I was going to dare you all to top that , but I know you can 't . My dad really is the World 's Best Dad . And so is yours . Everyone 's got a list . I encourage everyone else to let their fathers know what 's on their list , because many dads don 't realize how incredible they are . Happy Father 's Day ! Categories : Uncategorized Tags : adoption , child care , dad , family , father , father 's day , humor , parenting The Smallest Christmas Tree Many of you may not know that I 'm adopted . More than three decades ago , just before Christmas , my mother brought me into her home - my home - for the first time . Though she couldn 't possibly have known what she was getting into , she and my father and sister welcomed me with love and always made me feel as much a part of the family as though I had been born into it . This story is for my mother , who helped me decorate my very first Christmas tree since I left home , and who was worried that it was too small . The Christmas tree was very small . It was the smallest Christmas tree in the forest . " Hmm , " said its father . " Oh , dear , " sighed its mother . Its brothers and sisters looked down at it and giggled . The teacher looked at the smallest Christmas tree and shook its head . " People want big trees , trees they can hang a hundred ornaments on . There may not be a place for you . " The smallest Christmas tree drooped its branches all the way home . That night , it dreamed of a warm , welcoming house filled with firelight and purring cats . It dreamed of hot chocolate , Christmas carols , and falling snow . It dreamed of being covered in a hundred ornaments and crowned with a big , bright star . Every day , the smallest Christmas tree looked for a home that wanted a tree . Every day , it heard the same thing : homes these days want bigger trees . You can 't hold all the ornaments . You can 't cover all the presents . You can 't hold up the star . English : Tree in Freezing Fog Tree on side of footpath . Footpath between Oak Road and Hampers Lane . Very cold and frosty day pre - Christmas . Brrr . ( Photo credit : Wikipedia ) Christmas got closer and closer . The wind became sharper and colder . It rushed through the branches of the smallest Christmas tree . The tree shivered and pulled its boughs tight against its trunk . For the first time , it began to wonder if it would ever find a Christmas home . Then , it saw a tiny sign in the corner of a store window : " Christmas tree wanted . Fireplace with cats . No tree too small . " The ad looked old . It looked like it had been in the window for a long time . But it was Christmas Eve , and the smallest Christmas tree decided to try . The house didn 't look like much from the outside . It was the smallest house on the street . It was all the way at the end of the street , so the smallest Christmas tree had to walk past window after decorated window , each showing a tall and brightly - lit Christmas tree . The smallest tree stopped just outside the front door of the smallest house , tired and cold and almost ready to give up . Then the door opened . Warm light fell on the smallest Christmas tree . The tree looked into the beautiful , smiling face of a small young woman . Cats purred at her feet and firelight flickered in the background . Behind the woman was a space near the fire just big enough for a very small Christmas tree . The woman welcomed the smallest Christmas tree into her home . Christmas carols played softly around the tree as it settled gratefully beside the fireplace . The wind outside blew fierce and cold against the windows , but the smallest Christmas tree was warm inside the smallest house . The space beside the fire was just the right size . The woman brought out all the ornaments she had been saving until she finally found a tree . There were over a hundred ornaments . Each one had been given to the woman by someone she loved . Each one had a story with it . The woman told each story to the smallest Christmas tree as she decorated it . The woman decorated the smallest Christmas tree for hours . She sang carols as she wound garlands through the tree 's branches . She smiled as she hung it with candy canes . She covered the bottom of the Christmas tree with a shimmering blanket , and she hung ornaments on every branch , all the way up to the top . The smallest Christmas tree held very still as the pile of ornaments grew smaller , wondering how all of the ornaments could possibly fit . The next morning , the smallest Christmas tree looked out of the windows of the smallest house . Nearby , the woman cradled a cup of hot chocolate beside the fire . Beneath the tree 's branches , cats purred and prowled on the shimmering blanket . Snow was falling soft and white outside the windows . In its new home , the smallest Christmas tree heard the glad ringing of bells and knew that it was Christmas day . Directions : Put the turkey in a home that hasn 't been this clean since last Thanksgiving . Add the four generations of relatives gradually . Sprinkle in the small children , the desserts , and the overcrowded driveway . Let simmer , then add the kitchen that can only hold three people ( beware of elbows ) and the family stories ( use liberally and without discretion ) . Garnish with assorted pets , dietary restrictions , and conflicting commitments . Add the long - running grudges to the after - dinner drinks . Serve warm and eat until you fall asleep in your chair while watching football . Serves : a small nation . Leftovers should last for approximately two weeks , depending on the strength of the grudges . Happy Thanksgiving , everyone ! I 'm grateful for each and every one of you . Thank you for reading my blog , and being kind enough to let me know when you like it . Copyright Notice Original material © Little Blind Girl & iliketheworldfuzzy . com , 2011 - 2016 . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site 's author is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Little Blind Girl and iliketheworldfuzzy . com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . That said , feel free to ask and I will probably say yes ! Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
This is the story of a boy who was born with problems and ultimately removed from his birth parents and placed in foster care . He was adopted by a couple that both had health issues . By the time that Gabe was 11yrs . both had died . This blog is written from the perspective of Gabe 's 4th ' mother ' who has known him since he was 2 years old . Late afternoon Maree was playing and singing throughout the house . It was so fun to listen to her . However , in the process of her play she began to chew on a toy that would be ruined by chewing . Angel asked her to keep the toy out of her mouth but she would not . Angel took the toy from her . About then Gabe came down stairs . Within a few minutes he was taking toys from Maree and putting them up out of her reach . She , of course , was pitching quite a fit . I reminded Gabe that it is not his place to take toys from Maree . I told him to give them back . Once Gabe offered her the toys back she quit yelling ' mine ' and started yelling ' no ' and refused to take them . Then she rushed at him and began to crawl around him hanging on his ankle and growling like a wild animal . I thought this kind of funny , but Gabe was not amused . " Get her off ! " he yelled . I told Maree that Gabe didn 't want to play right now . She ran to the other side of the room . For a minute or two there was peace . I decided to check the laundry only to find that the old washing machine had broken down again . I went to get Dirk . Gabe followed him to the laundry room to help . Maree followed too . " Get away , " Gabe demanded . " Somebody get her . " Angel went to get Maree . Maree was mad . She wanted to ' help ' too . Angel was trying to cook supper while I was trying to knit several doll sweaters this evening . However , soon she was calling me because the food just didn 't seem to be cooking . A fuse had blown making the heating elements in the stove stop working . Dirk had the washing machine torn apart and the stove was going to have to take a number and get in line . While I helped Angel move the food from the electric stove in the kitchen to the wood burner in the living room , Maree ran back to the laundry room . " She 's got the clippies , " Gabe yelled . Maree had buried a huge hand full of clothes clips in the couch . Angel helped Maree get all of the clips and they headed back to the laundry room to put them back in the bucket . When they got there Gabe smacked Maree and began to scold her . This is a HUGE No No ! Gabe is not to hit Maree ever ! " You do not punish Maree , ever , " I said . " Her mother was correcting her appropriately . We just talked about this a little bit ago when you were taking her toys . Gabe is not to punish Maree . You will need to go face the wall for hitting . " Gabe was mad . He cannot understand how we cannot see that he was only helping . No matter how many times I have told him ' breaking the rules is NEVER helping ' he just doesn 't get it . How can we not see that he is just as grown up as we are ? Grown ups know how to follow the rules . We do not spank Maree , but use other corrective actions like taking all of the clips back , sitting on a chair or removing certain toys if needed . Gabe has been spanked in his past and would spank Maree frequently if given half a chance . We have a zero tolerance for this ! Now that Gabe was facing the wall at his assigned spot in the kitchen , Maree would have to stay in the living room . She likes to go pester Gabe when he is in trouble . This is not allowed either . Because Angel was now cooking dinner in the living room , it seemed that having Maree stay there would not be a problem . However , Angel needed to go to the kitchen for something and Maree started to follow her . " Stay here , " Angel said . Maree paused on the two steps near the doorway . Then she lost her balance and fell with a thud , raising two huge lumps on her head . I grabbed ice while Angel scooped up Maree . Needless to say , Maree very fussy the rest of the evening . Angel took Maree up to bed . A few minutes later I heard a crash and Maree was crying again . Oh no , what now ? Just that fast Angel came rushing downstairs with Maree . She was jumping on the bed and fell nose first into the crib rail . The nose was not bleeding , nor did it bruise bad . " When you take her back up , make sure she lays down . " I said . A few minutes after they went back up , Gabe was fooling around in his room and knocked something over . Thud crash , I heard from upstairs . No one was hurt , nothing was broken . Please , just go to bed . My nerves are shot . However , this evening I was in Gabe 's room putting away clothes . He does not like me to come into HIS room . I have reminded him on other occasions that the room is in a house that belongs to Dad and I and either one of us can come in if we need to . We do respect privacy when dressing but maintain the right to come in as needed . As I turn from putting clothing away I see that he has brought home some staff items from VBS last week . Because Gabe sometimes takes thing ( steals ) I ask him about the items . He closes his eyes and sticks his face up at me . " It 's mine " he says . " This is staff stuff . How did you get it ? " I 'm thinking that it is possible that someone did give it to him and I 'm asking gently . Gabe closes his eyes and just sits there on the bed . Then I see that there is also stuff there that belonged to other kids . Dirk begins to talk to him about stealing . We have had so many conversations with him about stealing . Still items show up that we have no idea where they came from , or that we do know where they came from and he should not have them . I tell Gabe that I am going to go through his room this week and clean out . He usually keeps his room fairly clean but it is getting a mess . Gabe protests . Dirk tells him , " it is going to happen and you will co operate and be nice . If we could trust you and believe what you say this wouldn 't have to happen . It is time to go downstairs now . " Dirk heads down the stairs . Just then Gabe goes into panic mode . He is sure that his ambulance , a new toy 2 days ago , has gone missing . He cannot go downstairs . I tell him that he has to go now because Dad said and he can look for the ambulance later . Gabe then accuses me of taking his ambulance and messing up his room . He knows I did not mess up his room . I also did not take the ambulance . We have talked many times about not accusing when you do not know . I tell him that I will not put up with him making up lies about me . Gabe goes downstairs and immediately begins to cry to Dirk . He is blaming me for making him come down and not letting him have the ambulance and . . . . Dirk tells him to stop the crying . He will get the ambulance later . It is late and we are going to read quickly and then go to bed . After reading and prayers I give Gabe permission to quietly look for his ambulance and to spend a little time cleaning his room . The baby is already asleep . A few minutes later I hear a disturbance upstairs and go up . Gabe is in his bed crying . Yes he has found his ambulance but he was making too much noise and Dirk has sent him to bed . Now he is mad . " You were told to be quiet . That didn 't happen . You can clean tomorrow . " Gabe turns up the intensity on the crying . " Stop the pity party , " I say and walk out of the room . Posted by After the nonsense Sunday morning there has been peace . There have been no angry outbursts or threats that I know of . Gabe has been mostly sweet and polite , that is , until this afternoon . Dirk often takes the kids to a meeting at church on Wednesday evening . They were planning to go until Fred called to make sure we knew that there was no meeting because the church is sponsoring a booth at the county fair and people would be at the booth . " I 'm going with Dad . He promised ! " Gabe announced loudly as he listened to my end of the conversation on the phone . He continued to make demanding statements as I tried to talk to Fred . I asked him to please stop interrupting . " I can go with him if I want to , " he demanded . " I will ask him . Dad can say if I can go ! " " That 's fine , Dad will say when he gets here . I 'm on the phone now so you must stop talking . " Gabe stomped into the living room and plopped down on the couch . Dirk arrived home a short time later . I told him that there was no meeting because of the fair . " I can go with you , " Gabe said . " But I called the pastor and he said I can go to the meeting . " Gabe was clearly lying now . " You are not allowed to use the phone so I know you did not call , " Dirk said . Gabe then turned to me and lied again saying that Dad was going to take him because the pastor called . I sent him to face the wall for lying . About 15 minutes later I called him back into the room . Did lying work out for you ? No , he answered . Did you get what you wanted ? No . Did you get into trouble ? Yes . Dirk then talked to him about other consequences for lying . You look smarter when you tell the truth . You look dumb when you lie because people know you are lying . God tells us not to lie . It hurts us and it hurts others . Angel had come into the room while this discussion was going on . I decided that we needed to address another situation together . I will go back to Saturday night to give the background for this . We had gone to a dinner and bonfire at some friends house . Several families were there . Towards the end of the evening I saw Gabe go up to a young woman ( 20 's ) who was sitting talking with friends . He just walked right between her and the person who was talking to her and put his arm around her . She sat there like a statue . I called to Gabe . He walked the other way . We were planning to leave . In the van on the way home I asked Gabe if he had asked Mrs . " A " if he could hug her . " She is my friend ! " he answered . " That is not what I asked , " I said . " You are not to hug people without their permission . Did she give you permission to hug her ? " " You are not to go up to people and just hug them . She was talking to someone else and you just walked between them . That was rude and wrong . " I said . Dirk said , " You are not listening . Mrs . " A " was not talking to you . She wasn 't talking to anyone . She was listening to her friends . . . " " Be quiet and listen . You did not have permission and you were wrong . " There was more discussion but all Gabe did was defend his position as friend and so he could do whatever he wanted . It was obvious that we were not getting through and this would need to be addressed again . On Sunday afternoon Angel and I went to a shower . Mrs . " A " was there and sat beside me . I asked her about the hug . She said that he hugs her all of the time and that she has asked him several times not to hug her . She was not sure what to do about it . She knew he was a teenager with a little kid brain . I apologized and told her that I would tell him to stop . I asked her to let me know if he doesn 't . I told her that we were working on setting up personal boundaries with him . When it comes to this hugging stuff he is going to have to have teenage boy boundaries . Back to Wednesday evening - - I told Gabe that I had talked to Mrs . A and she does not want to be hugged . " You are not to hug her . If I find out that you are trying to hug her you will be in trouble . I am saying this with everyone here . Do not hug the ladies at church or anywhere . Just because they are nice people does not mean that you can hug them . I consider many of the men at church to be my friends . But they are not my close friends and I do NOT hug them and they do not hug me . They do not touch me . " Dirk then told Gabe that men do not touch women without permission . Do not touch women . Most of them are not going to give you permission so just don 't touch . When you get 18 you can be in big trouble and maybe even go to jail if you touch a woman who does not want you to touch her . Just don 't touch or hug a woman . This is by no means the first time that we have addressed the hugging issue with Gabe . You just don 't go around in public hugging everybody over and over again . You can have several hugs from Mom and Dad at home as long as you are not trying to make us drop what we are doing right this second . Angel has limited him to 2 hugs per day . That is fine , she can set that boundary . It has been a while since I 've taken time to post here . Life has gotten so busy . I want to start keeping a log of some of the problems that we have been encountering as Gabe is hitting adolescence . I don 't know if these problems are related to adolescence or not . One of the issues that we have been having with Gabe is his inability to deal with frustration . He now threatens to kill or punch those whom he feels have stopped him . Indeed I have stopped him from doing many things . He was very angry with me last night . He came downstairs at 11 : 30 p . m . and wanted to play a certain CD . He had been sent to bed a little more than an hour before . I reminded him that he had been sent to bed . He argued that I had promised him the CD . I never promise a CD or movie for later . We occasionally use a particular TV show as an earned reward , but I will not promise a CD for later . He would have me in over my head in promises if I did that . He would like to have a line up that goes until some time next year ! After a few rounds of arguing he stomped up to bed stating that he was very angry . He was louder than should be as others were sleeping already . I was glad that he did not wake the baby . The statement of being very angry was much tamer than many statements that he makes . He is allowed to say that he is angry . However , his anger is not justifiable . I am not going to allow music at that time of night when others are sleeping and he should be in bed . This morning I was in the bathroom when Gabe came downstairs . Within a minute he and Angel " were having words " . Gabe was shouting loudly at her as they came into the kitchen . I called out for Gabe to sit and I would be out in a minute . When I came out Gabe was sitting there on the step stool . I asked him what was going on . " Well Angel she , she , um , well I was just coming downstairs and being a good boy and Angel she . . . " Gabe kept looking away . It seems as if he was trying to make something up fast . I have seen this many time before . I wanted to see what he was really going to say so asked , " What did she do ? " He continued with his " Well Angel she . . . I was being good and she . . . well she . . . cause I was being good and she . . . " He was looking over at the cupboard beside him and not wanting to look at me . He seemed to be looking for something good to say . I didn 't do anything to him . He just came downstairs and then stuck his fist in my face and told me to leave him alone . I didn 't do anything except tell him to leave me alone after he did that . Then he started saying all kinds of things to me and you told him to sit . I looked at Gabe . " Did you shake your fist in Angels face . " " No " ' ' Are you sure ? " " No " After a few minutes of talking he finally said that he did it because she . . . . Never a real reason stated . I sent him to face the wall . He tried to apologize his way out of it . I told him that he had to take the consequences for shaking his fist at Angel and then apologize after that . I wish I really knew what happened . Sometimes Angel nit picks at Gabe so much and yet still does not see that she is causing some of the problem with all of the nit picking / nagging . I have tried to help her see but she just defends her position and does not see the effect . However , Gabe does come right of the blue with some of his threats . Angels says that he threatens to kill her at least once a day . This is NOT acceptable . I do not hear most of it . I am trying to figure out if there are triggers for this behavior . Regardless , Ï 'm going to kill you " is not an appropriate response to anything . We are seeking help at this time . I 've been encouraging Gabe to share some of his little kid toys with Maree . He still owns just a few toddler toys . Most of them disappeared during one or more of the moves that he has made . Most of them were gone before he moved in with us . But Gabe still does not like anyone to touch his toys . There are good days where he does let people touch something and not so good days where he whines and complains if anyone even comes close to his stuff . I got to thinking about sharing . At first I was thinking I really 't share my stuff either . The kids aren 't allowed in my sewing room . But then I realized that I really do share , a lot ! So the next time Gabe started whining because I touched something of his I was ready . " I share with you all of the time . See the groceries that I just brought in ? They are mine . I bought them with my money that I earned at my job " It 's mine , I bought it . " Gabe scowled at me . " However , I bought it to share with you , " I said . " I like to share with you . In fact , when I make a sandwich for you I am sharing my time , my peanut butter and jelly , and I put it on one of my plates that I also share with you . Then you sit on a chair that belongs to both Dad and I and eat at our table that we share with you . We got this table and chair because people shared their money with us when we got married and we bought it . You are standing on the flooring that I bought in the house that Dad and I own . You walk on my carpet and sit on my couch , but I share these with the whole family . " " It 's okay because we share . We have this house so we can share . Dad shares his electricity with you every time you listen to music , watch a movie , or take a shower . You sleep in a bed that Fred shares with you . You wear clothes that I bought . You ride in my van or Dad 's truck . We all share with you . The least you could do is not complain if we touch something that you own . " Gabe was clearly unhappy with all of the sharing . People are supposed to share with him , but the idea of him sharing with them is one that he does not like . When Gabe was a baby he had lots of nice baby and toddler toys . He never placed with them . However , by the time he turned two he fiercely owned them . Don 't you dare touch them . He still owns lots of nice toys and things that he plays with a little . He still struggles with the idea and reality of anyone else touching his things . Even papers he brings from school are his and no one can touch them . Actually , we touch his stuff all of the time in the same way that families touch each others things . We have worked with him and worked with him on sharing or at least not having a fit if some one touches his things . We are not trying to steal things from him . However , the same thing is not true for him . If he wants it more than you do , it is his . Because Gabe is gluten and dairy free he thinks more clearly now . He has enjoyed playing with Maree 's baby and toddler toys which are in the living room . Angel is finishing high school online and the computer is required to be in a main room in the house , hence the toys in the living room . She can keep an eye on Maree while she works . Maree has a special ' spot ' that is a small quilt in the shape of a flower . It is very girlie in appearance . Gabe likes Marre 's spot . He likes to sing . He places the spot on the floor and stands on it as if it is his stage . I have asked have asked him repeatedly not to stand on Maree 's spot . It had gotten to the place where he would yell at her if she even touched it while he was singing . After all he likes it more than she does . This attitude has landed him in time out and he is not to touch her spot unless he is picking it up from the floor and putting it back into the box . Now to the ribbon . The ribbon is a pale pink piece of satin ribbon about a foot long . Angel gave it to Maree and she likes to carry it around . Gabe also likes this ribbon . He is attracted to strings and things like that . He was becoming very possessive of the ribbon so I told him that he is not allowed to touch it . Within a few hours the ribbon went missing . By the next day I stated that the ribbon needed to show up by bed time . Since Maree leaves her things in every nook and cranny of the downstairs that ribbon could be any where including under the couch or in the laundry hamper etc . Angel was sure Gabe had it and I knew that was a possibility too . Dirk took Angel , Gabe and Maree out for the evening . They got home late . Angel quickly reminded me about the ribbon . I asked Gabe where it was . " I don 't know ! " he growled . " Please go get it . She is up there . " I said . Gabe was back down in less than a minute without the ribbon . " You have 5 minutes to come back with that ribbon or I am coming up to go through your toy cart . " " No ! You cannot touch it ! " Gabe shouted as he ran upstairs . He was back a minute later with the ribbon . He stood in the center of the room holding it . When I asked for it , he slowly and painfully brought it to me . I reminded him how I have shared lots of string with him over the years . This one is Maree 's and he is not to touch it again . She has shared many things willingly with him , but he is not to take her things . Gabe called from the upstairs bathroom stating that Angel had left her ring on the shelf . I called back telling him to just leave it alone . About an hour later Angel went up there and called out that the ring was missing . I was annoyed . I was working on my homework for I class that I am taking and did not want the disruption . But Angel had her tattle tale voice on and I could tell that things might blow up if I did not move . I was unconvinced . " Go get the ring . " I said it a few times before Gabe finally got out of bed and wandered into the bathroom . He looked around aimlessly . Then he wandered back into the hall and began to look around there . Gabe likes small shiny things and has the bad habit of just taking what looks good . Just then Angel went zipping into Gabe 's room and straight to her toy box . With in a few seconds she announced that she had found the ring . I scolded Gabe for lying and stealing . Then I went downstairs and had second thoughts . Angel found that ring so fast that it made me wonder . Angel , who is adopted , is also fetal alcohol effect . That means that her conscience does not work well . She has lied to us so many times . Maybe she was setting Gabe up just to see him get into trouble . It is so hard to teach these kids not to lie and steal . The lying and stealing is an issue with both of them . Now for the rock . Last weekend Dirk was planning to take Angel and Gabe to backpack camp with him . I would stay home with the baby . Gabe was so excited about going that he jumped out of bed and pulled something in his neck . It was just one of those annoying little cramps . Now Gabe became obsessed with the ' serious ' injury to his neck . He felt he needed and ambulance to take him to the hospital . Dirk told him that there would be no ambulance . The choices were , stay home like the baby or suck it up like a man and go to camp . Gabe ' desperately ' needed to go to camp like a man . We have lately been pointing out the differences between acting like a baby and acting like a man . It has been a bit hard on him as Gabe would like to act like a baby and be considered a man . You can 't have it both ways . This baby nonsense has to go , so we have decided to call it like it is . The fact that there is both a baby and a man in the home have been helpful . He has made progress since that baby has been here . Maree is allowed to act like a baby , Gabe is not . Of course that did not stop him from whining about his neck all day out at camp . When they got home the first thing Gabe told me was , " Dad got the rock out of my head . See ? " he showed me his neck . I had no idea what he was talking about . As it turns out they had gotten so weary of listening to him whine that Dirk decided to see if trickery would help . First he massaged Gabe 's neck to try to get the cramp out . Then he told him that he was going to pull the rock ( pain ) out . Gabe 's neck still hurt where the rock had been . No wonder I can 't get this kid into reality ! |
" I 'd say the right ratio should be two to one in favor of reason . Any more than that and you are paralyzed . He who is unafraid can overcome even the plague . " Anton rested his forehead on the ice - cold metal and persevered in spite of the pain . He had to clear his mind and gather courage . He clenched his fists and took a deep breath . He has a duty and he must accomplish it - He pushed the door and stepped onto the pavement . The light hurt his eyes , so he closed them , and tears began to run down his cheeks . He wanted to rush back , to safety , to the warmth of the shelter , but he stopped himself . He pulled his scarf up to his eyes , trying to breathe only through his nose . It was no good ; he had to open his mouth briefly and let in the cold air ; it lacerated his throat and he thought he was going to have an asthma attack . He gripped his inhaler in his right hand , but immediately remembered the instructions that said the medication should be kept at a temperature of up to 25 degrees Celsius , so he opened his fist and let the inhaler fall to the bottom of the pocket . However , the temperature outside must have been below the lower limit , which at that moment he couldn 't remember exactly , perhaps . . . what if he . . . He paused without letting go of the door handle and looked back . The prolonged winter had left icy patches on the street corners , a dirty collar along the noise barrier beside the motorway , notches between a long row of brick houses and traces on the church belfry . The clock was showing half past ten already ; he had started to set off at nine . " Can I help you ? " said the shop assistant , and Anton was prepared . He had practiced at home , but had no intention of answering immediately to prevent the woman seeing through him , so he pretended that he was still thinking . Neither did he want to protract things , although there was nobody behind him as he had deliberately chosen a time when there were few customers , but not too few so that his presence would be considered strange . He thought he was taking too long and spoke . In the middle of the word he thought he was going too fast and decided to slow down , but he acted too hastily and stopped all together . He spoke faster again so that the assistant wouldn 't get suspicious , but . . . He picked up the paper bag with two organic bread rolls and an ordinary one and quickly made himself inconspicuous among the shelves . Sweat was beading his back . He always placed his order with his head bowed down and had never seen the assistant 's face very clearly . She moved on the edges of his field of vision , just a body in the uniform of the supermarket chain . Her voice was rather low for a woman , although the few words weren 't really enough to judge . The woman 's voice above the sliced cured meats sounded rough when it asked " Can I help you ? " Anton wanted to stand up for himself and speak in a decisive manner but then , just as he opened his mouth , he was afraid that he would offend her , so he simply exhaled and waited for another attempt . He became worried that he would be incomprehensible if his enunciation wasn 't clear , so he coughed , positioned his lips and started with " Please . . . " , but it seemed too humble and vague , it would have been much better to finish with this word , but there was no way of relocating it now , so he shut up and . . . The worst was over : he could take the milk from the chill cabinet . He checked the pull date , examined the seams on the carton , squeezed it to make sure it didn 't leak , ran his fingers along the edge , than stroked the surfaces to make sure there were no perforations ; he did all this only when he sensed no other customers nearby . If anybody crossed the aisle , he pretended to be thinking about his purchase , or he repositioned his bread and salami in the basket , or tied his shoes . At the checkout , he waited for the cashier to tell him the total , even though he had the exact amount ready in his pocket . In spite of this , he didn 't dare just hand it over as she would definitely get suspicious , so he rummaged through his wallet and paid with a slightly larger note , but not so large that it would draw attention . At the same time , he didn 't want to drag things out , in case somebody was standing behind him . But of course there was nobody , as before going to the checkout he had passed all the aisles just to make sure that nobody else was completing their shopping . He should drive to the shopping center on the edge of the city and bulk - buy food , instead of going through the same ordeal every day . But would the shop assistants miss him and notify the police ? Would it look suspicious ? Or he could place his order over the phone as he was already doing with all the things he needed for his sister 's care . The person receiving orders and parceling up things for the disabled must be used to the fact that those in that condition could not come in person ; but if he , clearly strong and healthy , did not leave his home , it would surely get people talking . Next to a brick building stood a new Mercedes and a well - preserved Wartburg , on which there was a folded ladder , and for a moment through the car window he could see house painter 's equipment . He quickly looked down so that the owner wouldn 't accuse him of curiosity . He walked in the center of the pavement as he didn 't want to be responsible for any damage to cars , while at the same time not wanting the newsagent to think that he was one of those nosey people who looked but never actually bought anything . He had his newspaper delivered , which was quite a normal thing to do and should not seem strange to anyone - daily papers even liked to boast about the number of their subscribers ! Had not the Wartburg and the Mercedes been parked the other way round the day before ? It was a good thing that he had been leaving his car in the garage for a year - his memory wasn 't good enough for driving . He remembered his last attempt to drive to the shop - he had first walked the whole way , trying to remember the streets , the dustbins , and parked cars . When he walked back , one of the cars that had previously been parked in one of the spots was gone , leaving a gap . So he had to do the whole journey again . He soon realized that the street at 3 : 15 wasn 't the same as at 3 : 18 and that he couldn 't predict what else might happen . When in spite of all this he set off in his car and arrived at his destination unharmed , he was soaking with sweat and nearly passed out at the steering wheel when he turned off the engine . He waited the right amount of time so that nobody would find it suspicious if he turned the engine on again , but not for too long so that people would find it odd him sitting in the car . Then he set off while he was still able . Only a few more houses before home . He was about to let out a sigh of relief when he remembered the proverb that you shouldn 't count your chickens before they hatch and the fact that most accidents happen to people in their own street , where their attention drops and they become careless . He carefully followed every car driving past , trying to envisage which way he should jump if the driver had a stroke or dizzy spell , lost control of the car , and drove onto the pavement . He reached the last gap between two buildings , dark and deserted in spite of the time of day . With his head still bent , he quickly looked to see if there was one of the muggers he kept reading about hiding there ; he was praying for nothing to happen as he could already feel how shallow and nervous his breathing was . Please , not now , not when he was already on the verge of an asthma attack . How could he defend himself ? How could he run if he couldn 't breathe ? He had sorted his sister out in the morning , and she was probably asleep now . He didn 't want to look in her room too often , although he could never resist for too long . Pangs of fear that she was dead attacked him like mosquitoes every time he became engrossed in his work or some other chore . He looked at the organic bread rolls and the hundred grams of chicken and vegetable salami , feeling a pressure building up inside , as if he was being squeezed by something and would soon start to cry . He shook his head and just managed to pull himself together . What would they say if he cried ? He was an adult , after all ! He held back the tears and spent the next few minutes expecting an asthma attack , but his bronchi slowly opened up again and allowed him to breathe . He hated organic bread rolls and salami , it made him want to throw up , he didn 't want to eat it anymore - but what could he do , die of starvation ? As the years went by life had gotten increasingly complicated . He was 36 and had recently begun to be afraid of living to a ripe old age . What an unbearable nightmare that must be ! But he had to live , as he had to look after his sister and the parrot that had its head beneath its wing in a cage on the kitchen table . He had lost the ability to say what he wanted in the shop three and a half years ago , and since then he 'd been buying the same things every day . If he 'd walked to another shop , the assistants would definitely find it strange that he wouldn 't talk to them . But all he actually needed was to be given more time , after all , that was why he came when they didn 't have much to do ! But no , they kept pestering him , giving him things he didn 't want . " I was worried before this meeting and asked for advice so that I wouldn 't appear too weak . They said that everyone who saw us together would watch closely to see which one goes to the other one first , which one is stronger . " Bogart nodded . Their parents had left them an inheritance , so he no longer had to work ; the ground floor was deserted , the CLOSED sign collecting dust and fly droppings . The mess bothered him , but passersby were bound to find it strange if the exterior of a seemingly abandoned shop was always clean , so he never touched the shop window or the plastic curtains . Every afternoon he went down to the workshop and took one of the many clocks up to the apartment ; he hurried past the dark , deep cellar , into which he hadn 't set foot since he was a child . He then sat down in the kitchen next to the window overlooking the yard and started cleaning the mechanism . Slowly he unscrewed the screws , carefully removed the housing and placed it on the table . He gently held his hand above the mechanism , sensing all the dust that had absorbed grease and a stale odor , probably mold . Then he cautiously dismantled it , rinsed each part in the cleaning solution , and unfailingly put it back together again . For a moment he enjoyed the cleanliness in front of him , then he put the housing back on and remained sitting . Not for long - what would they say - but when today he stole a look out of the window , his eyes stopped , unable to move away from the frozen snow in the yard . It glistened in a rancid kind of way , perhaps he should clean up the snow , too . The crust on the top had expanded with the cold and became as hard as stone . This had a hollow effect , as if all that was left from the winter snow was an impenetrable shell . The kitchen , his favorite place , overlooked a yard surrounded by high walls , some sort of garages and a deserted factory without windows but with an old sign on which the wind and damp had altered the spelling . No one there who could observe him . Anton leaned forward , looking up . He 'd read all sorts of things about satellites . He came to and quickly lowered his head so as not to have to meet their eyes , even though he was quite doubtful that they could penetrate the foggy barrier . In the afternoon , he read the papers - articles about sport , politics and cars . He had a subscription to a number of dailies and to women 's magazines he 'd ordered using his sister 's name . In these , he looked at the faces , trying to penetrate them with his mind . He wondered what they thought , what they were afraid of , how they lived . He wanted to be the man on page 16 , but only a couple of pages later he found a woman who caught his eye , and he decided he 'd rather be her . In the end , after much hesitation he found three or four people for the final selection , tore out the relevant pages , and arranged them on the table . He then spent a long time thinking , comparing and hesitating until he finally made his choice - this is who I am ! - leaned over and rested his head against the face on the paper . For a while he sat like that until his back started to hurt or he started crying . Then he straightened up , tore the magazines into pieces , and chucked them into a large bowl to soak . " Jane , " said Tarzan , " you lie down and rest . Don 't be afraid , you 're safe . We had to leave Uziri , where the savage Waziri warriors acknowledge me as their ruler , but here in London you and your son won 't experience the discomforts of the rainy season . This is my kingdom , too , albeit a smaller one ; after all , I 'm not a Lord for nothing . " Jane didn 't answer . She was probably already asleep . He couldn 't see her very well in the semi - darkness . He sat on the bed and stroked her , then sank into deep thought . Before going to bed he checked the apartment like a blind person : he felt the rings on the stove to make sure they were cold , he touched all the switches to see they were the right way , he pulled all the plugs out of their sockets and listened for any unusual sounds . The last light he extinguished was the candle below the wedding photograph of his strict , but fair , parents . A candle used to burn continuously , but last summer he could no longer stand the lack of sleep . In the end , he was waking up every five minutes with the smell of smoke in his nostrils , stumbling around barefoot in the darkness , checking that the candle hadn 't started a fire , and on a number of occasions having an asthma attack from all the agitation . Long before he finally started putting out the candle , he begged his parents for forgiveness , and afterwards he would lay in bed so frightened that he dared not even blink , let alone close his eyes . The feeling that a severe but just punishment would follow had never left him . But if there was a fire , how could he save his sister ? He had to think of her , too ; his mother and father would surely approve of that . He lay on his back and couldn 't go to sleep for a long time because of backache . What would they say if he tossed and turned or even sat in the kitchen with the light on ? Nights were for sleeping . And so , with his eyes shut , he ground his teeth every time the pain cut into his back , and in the end somehow managed to sink into sleep . In the morning he systematically arranged all the things he needed next to his sister 's bed : from a bowl of warm water - he checked the temperature with his elbow - to various ointments and incontinence pads . He slowly pulled her cover off , gently removed the sheet and put it on a shelf . With his hand he gently stroked his sister 's stomach , felt the warmth of her excretions , smelled the odor of staleness , sickness and decay . He carefully removed her pad , washed her body , massaged what was left of her muscles , anointed her bedsores and then he put on another pad , dressed her , and for a moment enjoyed the cleanliness in front of him before covering her again . The paper in the bowl had dissolved into a thick soup . Anton blew up a balloon and tied the opening with cotton thread . He carefully held the back of the balloon with his left hand , then with his right hand gently stuck to it the first bit of paper . Slowly , he attached one bit after another , covering the balloon with a soft membrane that became harder as it dried . " That 's what we 're like , " he thought . " This is how we become adults . We 're born empty , then our parents lay on us instructions how to live , and soon we can stand on our own two feet . " Friday was the day for the weekly shop , and in spite of the cold , Anton was pouring with sweat when he was finally able to lean on the inside of his front door . How much longer would he be able to endure this suffering ? He inhaled as deeply as he dared without bringing on an asthma attack , and he thought he could smell burning . He rushed upstairs , along the wall , as far from the deep hole leading to the cellar as possible , dragging the shopping bag behind him , burst into his parent 's room , and found the flame calmly and lazily flickering upwards . For a moment , he felt relief and he must have let air out of his lungs too forcefully , as only a second later he could already feel pressure and had to take two puffs from his inhaler , then cough for a few minutes , choking , before the medication finally worked . What if one day it stopped helping ? Who would look after his sister ? And Polly ? " Hey up , it 's just . . . " Rokoff was holding his hand over his mouth , babbling in his primitive criminal manner , when Tarzan leaped forward and pushed him through the door with all his might . Rokoff flew backwards , hit the banister , toppled over and fell . Was it possible that he hadn 't locked the door ? He tried to relive every moment : the relief of coming home , the weight of the large shopping bag with its handles digging into his hand , the deep breath he took , the smell of burning . Had he locked it or not ? Along the hall , past his parents ' room , his room , around the corner , then down the steps . He put his left hand on the banister and with his right hand opened the door to his sister 's room . Should he rather check that she was still breathing ? As if to correct the mistake he 'd made in the morning , he again leaned with his back on the door , pressing the handle with his left hand . Locked , locked . That 's how it was supposed to be , how could he have missed it ? He sat in the kitchen , crying . At first , he quickly wiped the tears as they came , but soon he couldn 't keep up and gave in . The crying didn 't help , the terror was still enveloping his body , he was sinking into himself , into his hollowness , his bones were crashing against his internal organs and he was waiting for blood to start running from his eyes . He sat on the toilet long enough to empty his bowels , until all that was left were spasms of piercing pain ; sweat poured down his tingling body . He embraced this question with disproportionate hope . If the postman lived on his own , not until Monday , when he didn 't turn up for work - they 'd start looking for him , retracing his steps , asking who had seen him last ; perhaps they wouldn 't reach him until Tuesday ! He was aware of the pointlessness of this hope , but it was too sweet to try and chase it away . For so many years he had tried to live his days as routinely as possible and , if he was lucky , he had another three such days left . What then ? Prison . What would happen to his sister ? Was he being too optimistic ? Didn 't the postman deliver on Saturdays , too ? What if they came tomorrow ? Today ? No , not today , even if his wife started missing him in the afternoon , they wouldn 't go around the houses yet , not until tomorrow . Another hope : perhaps he wasn 't dead ? Only unconscious ? Would he come to , get up and go ? Had the poor man experienced short - term amnesia and wouldn 't remember what had happened when they find him wandering down the road ? He should unlock the door for him . Oh , what would they do to him ! Oh , what would they say ! It wasn 't him , it was Tarzan who 'd done it ! A clean - shaven , shiny , round face , smelling of cologne . His smile , a crescent across his face , never ceased . Fleshy lips , a dimple in the chin , brown hair , cut short . He looked like an office clerk , were it not for the eternal smile and the twinkling of somewhat bulging eyes . The man wore an orange fleece and wide trousers that were rather thin considering how cold it was , and the shoes beneath looked as if they had been a mere afterthought when all the money had already been spent on the other things . What 's up with me , thought Anton , he can 't know about the postman . He must be a salesman , I never usually open the door to them , I 've been caught today . . . What am I to do , what will they say if I just slam the door in his face ? The author of the book was an Indian , not a Frenchman called Du Pra , as he had mistakenly heard earlier . He started reading the introduction , soon realized that he didn 't have the time , so he skipped it with a guilty feeling . There followed another introduction to the previous edition and then another . After that came the acknowledgments and when finally the book started , he was able to read it quickly as the lines were well spaced out and the font large . The author said that the whole universe was created for Anton and awaiting his orders . All that was needed was a focused and clearly defined will , and reality would succumb . In order not to miss an instruction or mix them up , Anton went to get a pencil and his father 's old notepad and started making notes . It was already night outside when he started the next book , this one , judging by the surname , written by a Brazilian author , who said more or less the same as the Indian , adding that the material aspect of the world was insignificant in comparison to the spiritual one . He went even further and claimed that the material world does not really exist , it is just a reflection of spirituality . Anton looked at the photograph on the book cover , the intelligent eyes , the confident smile , the elegant beard , under which it said that the author had sold 50 million books , and Anton desperately wished that he could be the author . He kept banging his forehead against the cover , repeating I am you , I am you , but it brought him no relief this time . What will they say ? I 've forgotten to see to my sister and the parrot , he suddenly thought and ran to carry out his duties . He dealt very quickly with Polly , and he would have been rough had he not worried about what they would think . Quietly he asked himself yet again how long parrots lived , and then immediately berated himself for thinking like that as Polly had been his mother 's pet . He grabbed the dirty napkin and his sister 's sheet and squatted in front of the washing machine . Loading it always filled him with discomfort . The metal housing looked firm enough , but when you opened it you put your hand into a void . So he completed the task as quickly as possible . He couldn 't eat , he was too impatient to finally get to the instructions telling him how to change his life . On the front cover of the third book there was a lotus blossom , and on the back a bearded Indian was staring past him , one of those Yogi Maharishis about whom he was always reading in the newspaper , but had always confused their unpronounceable names . In the first half of the fat book Anton was told about the benefits of this particular type of meditation , from those related to his health and reason to improvements in his life in general . It said a number of times that even the first half - hour of meditation was enough for a shift to occur , and Anton didn 't even have time to swallow , he was so glued to the words with such hope . Maybe that 's why he had been reading so quickly , as in the second half of the book he suddenly realized that the Yogi was talking about the first session as if he had already described it . The author now talked about the wider social effects - if Anton could find another one percent of fellow believers in the city , the number of crimes would fall dramatically , especially murder . This word stabbed Anton to the heart , and he started crying again . He turned back to the beginning to look for the procedure for changing his life , which he must have missed earlier . All he could find was a couple of sentences in which the author said that the procedure was very simple , but it was impossible to learn it from books , and that each student must approach a teacher in person ( the list was in Appendix A ) . Anton jumped to the end and found that the branch in his city was on the other side of town . Closed Saturdays and Sundays . He put the book down and groaned . How was that possible ? How could they write a whole book about the answer without the answer itself ? Why write in the first place ? I must . Another book , feng shui it said , and he got scared that they would try to force him to take up martial arts - he had never been suited to physical activity . The introduction said that people 's problems could have two causes : The book was about the second of these . Anton just skimmed half of it , then started thinking . He couldn 't really have had any traumas as he had had a happy childhood . He then spent quite some time looking at the sideboard and decided that there was no way he could on his own move it into a position that would improve how he felt , so he put the book down . He looked in the open bag that lay at his feet , and out of which protruded yet more books , and hope was clouded by a thought that the salesman may have tricked him . If , as he had told him , his own life had been changed by the Yogi 's meditation , why did his head jerk from left to right in such an odd manner ? Was he really changed ? How could Anton tell if that was the first time he had seen him ? Anton bent over and fished around the bag . Titles like Overcome Your Fears , Achieve Your Goals , Peace of Mind and Making Money . . . swirled before his eyes , flashing and then falling back into the bag . He rummaged until he again grabbed the book on overcoming fear , and though he kept nodding off , he started reading . Towards morning , his head slowly sank onto the table , and he fell asleep for a moment , or at least that 's how it seemed . He then jumped up in panic , looking around to see if they had already come . He must continue , he didn 't have much time left . His back felt like it was made of wood and didn 't really belong to him , but still managed to give him a pain that seemed to permeate his whole body . He reached in the bag for yet another book and screamed with horror when he saw the title : The Secret of a Perfect Memory . The salesman must have foisted it on him or it just happened to get in there by accident - Anton certainly had no need for it , as he wanted to forget what was in the cellar . On the cover of the next book , a woman in a red leotard stood barefoot in the middle of a meadow , holding something invisible . The large text said Rooting and smaller letters beneath that said that this was a unique opportunity to create strong enough inner foundations for greater security . That 's what he needed . With his eyes refreshed again , he started reading , and the morning light was washing the kitchen with its milky haze when he finished . He discovered that he would learn everything when he got through a system of modules , each of which lasted three months . He sniveled and cried . Am I too stupid ? Out of everything that was written in that quite lengthy book he could only understand that you have to stand barefoot , which gives you better contact with Mother Earth and its energy . He stood and straightened up with difficulty because of his back . He looked at his feet , clad in thick , checked felt , lined with sheepskin , and the thought of removing them from this warm embrace filled him with horror . But he had to ! He leaned on the table and slowly removed his left slipper . When he moved the sole he saw that it had left a damp imprint on the floor . He bent over , breathing heavily , and took off the sock . Carefully , starting with the tip of his big toe , he dropped the foot to the floor and a chill went right up to his neck . I 'm going to catch a cold by rooting myself , he thought , and he put the sock back on . No wonder that the book 's disciples spent three months practicing taking off their socks . How could he , in spite of his desire and strong will , make up for lost time ? It was time he attended to his sister . He washed her thoroughly and fed her , avoiding her eyes as usual - ever since their parents had died , their eyes never met . The first time he asked himself what she must be thinking while she watched him perform , wearing his masks . Tarzan , Bogart , Napoleon and , his favorite , Clark Gable accompanying Carolee Lombard to a flight she would not survive ; he sensed it , but manfully resisted the shadow of fate . Perhaps he should tell her about the postman ? A terrible thought a moment later - she had seen it all ! He exclaimed and quickly moved away from her ; he 'd just attached an incontinence pad to the main witness for the prosecution ! What 's wrong with me , he thought , and returned to his task . How can I think about my sister as the key witness ? He would admit it all immediately anyway , as soon as the police rang his bell . The night - long reading of the collected knowledge of mankind had so far not helped him . In the kitchen , he looked at the radio , on which his mother had put a doily and a nodding dog , which had originally been for the car . The last time it shook here was during a minor earthquake four and a half years ago . He should listen to the news to find out if they were looking for the postman yet . He reached for the switch , but after a brief hesitation , he moved his hand away . He was afraid of coming across music , that most cunning manipulator of all . Father had liked it and , because of his deafness , the speakers had blasted it out at full volume , particularly in the years before his death . Anton used to withdraw to his room , trying to keep his self - awareness unblemished , which was impossible when there was music : whenever sad tunes were broadcast , he was filled with a painfully sweet longing ; when the rhythm was wild , he became an aggressor , cockily walking along the street , looking for victims . And all the time he felt as if he was just a helpless balloon blown by music . If he had any coffee , he would have made a cup , but as it was he just sat back down and started the next book . Slowly , he became an experienced learner . As soon as the author started talking about Eastern wisdom , he started reading very superficially and skipping whole pages . With practice , he quickly found that short paragraph amidst all the forecasts of a wonderful future and the descriptions of its consequences ; usually , the paragraph simply directed him to a nearby center or a local guru , which was of no use to Anton . In spite of the feelings of guilt , as even his parents had taught him that he should read every book to the very end , which made him stop reading altogether after they had died , he now gave up after the key piece of information and picked up new reading material . His head swayed with fatigue , and after many years , the whispering voice inside him that had made his childhood a misery and then never reappeared , spoke again - " Perhaps the wise men of the East only came to get the money of the West " - giggled and then vanished . He went to his parents ' room and spent a long time looking at their wedding photograph above the marital bed . When he was turning towards the door , he paused and , after many years , examined the portrait of Jesus and Mary . His parents had had their faith and it would have been so much easier for him if he had it as well . He had tried , but it never truly settled in him ; he knew that it left room for fear . Or perhaps he had already been born this empty and all his parents ' efforts couldn 't fill it ? Would it have been different if he had studied books like this earlier ? Mother and father had been passionate readers : he liked reading adventure stories and history , while she liked books about the lives of film stars . He looked at the big bookcase and all the spines on it , but he didn 't feel tempted to ever take them off the shelf . He felt that they had the power to change his dreams , which they had already proven , but not his actual life , which was what he needed . Back to the kitchen . He tidied up the mess on the table and put the books back in the bag , together with the coupons that had fallen out of them . He had a quick look at two of them - the first one was offering glasses for looking at auras ( for beginners ) , and the other one a spray for aura healing with 25 % off . He already had one inhaler and , he said to himself , confused as he was , he was bound to mistake them and use the wrong one . He left a few American female writers on the table , the ones that did not mention Eastern wisdom and whose clothes did not attract attention , even on color photographs . He should go to the shop , but he knew by now that he had the right to say no , and when he had to make an important decision , he should write each possibility on its own bit of paper . If he had a number of things to do , a list was a must . Everyone feels fear , but they overcome it . It 's only a side effect of a small gland in your brain , called the amygdale . When he first sensed the sound , he froze with horror and in fear moved only his eyes . The end of his pen dug into the paper and bled blue ink . Finally , Anton was made to get up by concern for his sister , but when he came to the door of her room , he already knew where the sounds was coming from . Anton ran to the telephone that was connected only because everybody else 's was , and he was just about to dial the emergency number that was written on a bit of paper next to the phone , just in case , when he changed his mind . You could get twenty years for murder and ten or how many for grievous bodily harm ? Questions and doubts descended on him like a flood . He grabbed the handle of the bag , lifted it in one fell swoop and ran along the hallway groaning , holding it to his chest . He banged against the banister and the bag jumped from his hands , the darkness swallowed it and all Anton could do was follow it with his eyes . Only a moment passed between its disappearance and a thud , the sound of which washed all the anger out of Anton . He remembered it from the time when butchers used to chop beef in front of their customers , before they started withdrawing to the back and bringing out vacuum packed parcels . The thud of an axe splitting a thick bone and the sound of a bone , wrapped in meat , hitting the chopping block . The same sound as the one he had just heard from the cellar . I 've killed him . I 've thrown a bag full of books on the postman and crushed him . I 've finished off what Tarzan had started . He pulled the chair to her bed and sat next to her . For a long time he dared not lift his eyes . He was biting his lips , feeling the taste of blood running from the burst cold sore , and wringing his hands as if washing the back of his hands with his palms . " You know , " he started , " I never meant to hurt anybody . All I ever wanted was just one moment of peace . My whole life for a moment of calm and completeness , without fear and doubt , just peace , peace . I wanted to be the master of my destiny . You know yourself that I have no experience of the outside world and that the outside world just isn 't right for me . I wanted serenity , even if I had to let someone else into me . Tarzan , Tarzan destroyed me , you can see . I was trying to show off in front of you , but I never wanted to hurt anyone . That was the only comfort I had , the only times when I was calm because I wasn 't myself . " " We 're lucky , Carole , we 've got this ranch and , even though it alone wouldn 't be enough to survive on , it 's still our home . We 've got good jobs , friends , money in the bank and we 're healthy , too . God is good to us . " " You 're leaving , go . I won 't stop you , I have a premonition , but a man knows how to control it and doesn 't allow it to influence his actions . A man decides by himself , whereas a woman has to resort to coincidence . I know you 'll toss a coin which will choose the plane instead of the train , and thus bring about your death . " Through the thick layers of cardigans , long sleeved T - shirts , and vests he could feel movement , something between tickling and scratching . " There are things I can influence and things I can 't . The latter don 't concern me and I don 't lose any sleep over them . Last night I gave you the whole of me and today it 's a new day - a morning when you will fly up into the sky , when you will become a bird that generations to come will long for . " He kept lifting the mask until it slid off his face and rolled onto the floor . He clumsily got up , not wanting to touch his sister 's body . He closed her eyes by feeling for them before he looked at her once more and took from her mouth a button she 'd bitten off his cardigan , and then tilted her chin back . He took the cage with Polly from the kitchen , took it to the bathroom , positioned it sideways in the bath and turned on the tap . The bird screamed " Damn it ! Damn it ! " but Anton remained untouched . Am I calm because I 'm active ? Is inaction a precondition for fear and doubts ? Is it easier to be an adventurer in danger than to live routinely , with nothing happening ? Odd , he had always read about the moment before suicide as a time when reason clouded and irrationality reigned - would he be the first to do it at a time of exceptional lucidity ? When he walked past his sister 's room , he thought that perhaps he would find it easier to do what he intended to do if he was someone else . But he shook his head . I don 't want to die as Tarzan or Gable , at least in death let me be me . Then he put it down again , walked to the bathroom and turned off the tap . His father 's collection was valuable , and he never liked unnecessary damage . All along he kept looking up as he didn 't want to see Polly . The amygdale . It looked like a pair of fiery eyes . And that 's exactly how it burnt inside him . Hidden in the very center of his brain , it nibbled away at him , hollowing him out and destroying him . He got ready again , walked about the flat in his mind , was there anything else he should do : he hadn 't left the cooker on , had he ? He should feel all the rings . He remembered that the police would have to search the whole flat , and when he was a child what he hated most was sticking his fingers into a dirty handkerchief in the pocket of his father 's trousers , which he had to go through before putting them in the washing machine . It seemed to him that he was awakening . He paused and directed his attention into that feeling , hoping that something new was coming , but soon realized that it was only that the veneer of peace was beginning to fracture under the pressure of doubts and fears battering against it . That his head would soon groan with questions , that he would feel like a hunchback , carting his fear around the world , that he would walk around the flat , opening wardrobes , searching for the source of his fear , but never finding it ; that he would be turning around with a life - like feeling that someone was standing behind him , just waiting to attack him , that such a life would drag on and on , and he could barely swallow his own spit , and his finger trembled on the trigger when the greatest doubt of all pierced him , hitting him so hard that it hurled him into pure horror so that he unwittingly squeezed the trigger : The Slovenian writer and film - maker Miha Mazzini , born in 1961 , is the author of twenty - three books . The Cartier Project ( US edition , 2004 ) was ex - Yugoslavia 's all - time bestselling novel and was make into a feature film . Guarding Hanna ( US edition , 2002 ) was longlisted for the International IMPAC Dublin Literary Award in 2004 . In 2011 the first of his stories to be published in the US won a Pushcart Prize . See more of him at www . MihaMazzini . com . |
* Day 240 * Let canning season begin ! Finished 14 quarts of cherries today . ( Thanks to help from Logan and Matt . It 's awesome to have help with this . It makes it go by so much faster . ) We also have beans and beets that are almost ready . I 'm not sure I 'm ready for this . Canning takes a lot of time , and it can 't wait . When the food is ready you have to do it or it will spoil . And it can make a huge mess . ( It 's my excuse for not mopping the floor . " It 's just going to get dirty again , I 'll wait until I 'm done canning . " ) I have canning stuff all over my kitchen for months . But , I really like to be finished . The jars are pretty to look at . You have proof that you 've done something . And , it 's nice to have food to store . So , bring it on ! I guess . * Logan asked why it 's called canning if we put the food in jars . He thinks it should be called " jarring " . * Day 239 * Family movie night . Logan picked Star Wars : Attack of the Clones . It 's fun to watch him when it gets intense . He gets worried for the people . We 're trying to teach him the difference between intense and scary . It 's also fun to see him look away when they kiss . * Day 238 * We took this picture of Danielle when she went to the dinosaur park with us . She was such a sweet girl . She was so good for us . She even posed on this dinosaur for a picture . You can tell she really wanted to . Happy birthday to a sweet little princess ! * Day 237 * Justin has been part of the family slightly longer than Logan . ( About a month . You can tell in the wedding pictures . ) In that time I 've been several different places with him . It never fails that he will run into someone he knows . I don 't know how he does it . I never see anyone I know when I 'm out shopping . Maybe he gets out more often than I do . Lucky ! While Justin always has a story about someone he ran into or something funny , the thing I really like about him is that he can talk to anyone . It doesn 't matter who they are , or where he is , he can talk to them . And he treats them all the same . He 'd talk to everyone the same comfortable way . It always impresses me because it 's not that easy for me to talk to people . * Day 236 * The other day I left Logan with Matt because I had to go to work early . We made arrangements where and when we could meet so Logan could come over and play for a little while . It was library day . I was going to walk all the kids over to the library . Matt was going to walk Logan over , and then Logan could come play with us , and Matt could go home . When it was time for us to go to the library , there were some kids that still hadn 't arrived at Lynn 's house . So , we had to wait for them to come before we left . I figured that I had better call Matt and tell him that we weren 't going to be able to leave yet , so they would know we were running behind . So , I dialed my number . It rang a couple of times . Then it stopped , but no one said anything . I waited a bit . Then I finally said , " Hello ? " . And Logan said , " Hi " . At that point in time I realized that this was the first time in his life that Logan had ever answered the phone . Apparently , I didn 't teach him how it is supposed to be done . So , we first had a little talk about what to do when you answer the phone . Like , he 's supposed to say something if he picks up the phone . Then I gave him a message for his dad and told him how to hang up the phone . He 's talked on the phone before . He always checks the caller ID for me and yells it out . ( " It 's just total free . " ) But , I had forgotten that he 's never used to phone by himself . We might have to practice , so don 't be surprised if you get a call from someone who doesn 't say hello and then talks too quite to hear . Oh , yeah , he also nods his head a lot , so listen carefully for that . We 'll work on it . * Day 235 * * Warning * The material contained in this my be found offensive by some . If you have a weak stomach , you may want to bypass this blog . Proceed with caution ! When my brother told us about a local restaurant that make some Greek food , Matt was immediately interested . So , we made plans to go . We went to Apollo Burger . It was delicious , so every now and then , we went back . One day me and Matt and Logan went there with my brother Eric . We had our food and were sitting down to eat . Me and Matt were facing the counter where we ordered . Eric and Logan were facing us . We were just enjoying our meal , when all of the sudden this guy who had just ordered his food caught my eye . I had to look at Matt to see if he was seeing the same thing as me . And I could tell he was . This guy was standing there scratching his butt . OK , not just normally . He had his hand down his pants and everything . I about died . But , then it got worse . He finished . And he took his hand out . . . . . and sniffed it ! I don 't remember if we said something , or if Eric just saw the looks on our faces . I just remember Eric saying , " He smelled it , huh ? " I couldn 't believe what I had just seen . Right there in a public place . Then they brought him his food , and he took it and sat down . Gross . I loved the way Sherry laughed when I told her this . And then she used to pen to sign her receipt . She thought of that guy and had to pull out her hand sanitizer . * Day 234 * On Friday I went to a " family " funeral . I left Logan City with my sister Lynn . On our way I thought of my sister Sherry . I knew she was coming , but thought it wasn 't worth it for her to go all by herself . I called to see if she wanted to go with us . She said my sister Renae was coming to get her , so we could all meet and go together . We climbed into Renae 's mini van , and I started looking around . I realized that all of my sister 's were together at one time . . . . . without kids ! ( OK , Ty is a kid , but I 'm not counting him . He 's still nursing , so he had to be with his mom . But , he mostly slept , and never interrupted us . ) I don 't know when ( if ever ) was the last time this happened . So , it seemed like a special day . ( Now , I have three wonderful sister - in - laws that I also love . I 'm not trying to say that I 'm glad they weren 't there . But , this would probably have been one of those days when they feel like they don 't fit in because we were sharing a lot of childhood memories about someone they have maybe never met . I love them and enjoy the time I have shared with each of them . And it would have been just as fun to have them there too . ) We went to the funeral . I won 't bore you with too many details . Sometimes I feel bad after funerals . I sit there and I realize what neat people I 'm privileged to be around . And I feel bad that I don 't take full advantage of getting to know them better and learning more from them . I certainly learned a lot at this funeral . I 'm still not sure how I feel about what I learned and the feelings the I had . But , I guess I knew that was an option going into it . But , like most funerals I 've been to , it was a testimony building experience to think about life after death and the plan that our Heavenly Father has for us . And we got to visit with a couple of my cousins that I don 't see very often . I hope they felt the love ! After the funeral , we went to the purple Turtle . It 's a restaurant . It 's sort of a landmark in Pleasant Grove . We used to always look for it on the way to my grandpa 's house . IPosted by * Day 233 * When I started working with Lynn about 5 years ago , we were trying to spread the word about our preschool , so we decided to enter a float with our preschool kids in the 24th of July parade . I has now become a yearly tradition . I will bypass all of the trying times the parade has brought and try to focus on how much fun the kids have . And , it is fun to throw large amounts of candy at people I know . Here are some pictures from the parade today . Darrell sitting on the float " Beverly Hillbillies " style after the parade the was over . He 's a big help to get all this done . * Day 232 * We went to the pool this evening . Logan has been wanting to go for a couple of weeks now . Our stake reserved the pool for tonight , so we went . I put my hair in a ponytail to keep it out of my way . When my hair gets wet , it all kind of mats together , and it looks darker . So , after we 've been swimming a while Logan looks at me and says , " What happened to your hair ? " I told him it got wet . And he says , " It looks like a banana . " Not sure that 's a compliment . But it was funny to try to picture . * Day 231 * When I turned 16 , I thought I needed a summer job . So , I started looking around to see who was hiring . I ended up getting a job at Taco Bell . I don 't have a ton of memories from there . I only worked there during the summer . I worked for a while after school started , but it interfered with my cross country schedule , so I quit . The other kids that worked there called me " front counter girl " . Because I usually worked the front counter . I took orders and such . If it wasn 't busy I got to clean tables and trays or do dishes and fill drinks . I worked the drive up window sometimes . It wasn 't much fun because the box you talked into was on a curve . It was hard for people to get close to it . Sometimes it was really hard to hear what they were saying . It was almost impossible to tell the difference between " beef " and " bean " . And some people didn 't like you to keep asking what they said . My coach made fun of me . He told a story of when they were kids , and one of their friends worked at a fast food place . He said they went to the drive up window . When their friend came they had an orange crush that they shook up and opened on him . So , one day when I was working , he came through the drive through and asked for me . When I came to the window he gave me an orange crush . He didn 't open it , but he might have shaken it . And I got a discount on food I bought before or after my shift . Not bad for a first job . * Day 230 * OK , I 've think I 've put this off long enough . When Matt talked about doing this blog and writing down memories and such , this is the first memory that I thought of . It 's one of my favorites . It 's been told so often around my house that Matt now pretends like he was there too . I didn 't want to write it first , that seemed too obvious . But , the time has come . When I was a kid , we lived on an acre . It was awesome . We spent a lot of time outside playing and climbing trees . One day we were looking for something to do . We decided to build a roller coaster off of the garage . My dad had all these 2x8 planks that he used for his scaffolds when he did brick work . We took a couple of them and nailed them to the edge of the garage . The plan was to ride down them in the wagon . Lynn and Eric tried to get Sherry to go down and test it out . She refused . So they filled the wagon with bricks and sent it down . It hit the ground and flipped over . The roller coaster didn 't work . So , we found this big piece of plastic , covered the boards with it and made a waterslide . We had lots of fun in the backyard . * My mom never knew that we did this . When Lynn came home from college one summer , me and her were out taking a walk around the neighborhood . We stopped and were talking to one of our neighbors . For some reason we ended up telling her this story . A few weeks later my mom came home and asked about it because the neighbor had mentioned it to her . That was the first time she had heard it . * Day 229 * I remember my mom telling us this rule when I was young . ( OK , maybe it 's not really so much a rule as just good advice . But , I tell the kids I work with that it 's a rule . ) " Never put anything smaller than your elbow in your nose . " ( I add ears in there too , just to be safe . ) Maybe there 's a reason she taught us this . Listen closely kids , and learn something here . When they were kids , unbeknownst to anyone , my mom 's little brother put a dried bean up his nose . But , he couldn 't get it out . So , he just left it , but didn 't tell anyone . Well , soon , his mom started to notice that he had a weird stench to him . And he was having a hard time breathing . So , she took him to the doctors . The doctor found the bean and took it out . But , the bean had started to sprout ! Maybe watermelon seeds won 't grow in your belly , but a bean will grow in your nose . And , that , children is why you never put anything smaller than your elbow up your nose . * Day 228 * Eric is my big brother . Wait , all of my brother 's are bigger than me now . Eric is also my older brother . Eric is the reason that I always wanted a boy first when I had kids . I wanted my kids to have a big brother who would watch over them and protect them . Eric did his fair share teasing us , but he was the only one allowed to tease us . He was ready to beat up any body that tried to mess with us . There were some boys in the neighborhood that were giving us a hard time . Eric taught me where to kick on their bikes to knock them right over . I think I even tried it once . It worked . I remember Eric would go out running to get in shape for wrestling . He was nice enough to let me tag along . I wasn 't as fast as him , so he would tell me to cut off the circle and he would catch up with me . I remember one time I had a really bad side ache . He sent me on a route shorter than the one that he was doing , but one where he kept crossing my path . We always ran at night , and I know he did this so he could keep and eye on me and make sure I was OK . Eric has also been great with Logan . He was going through some rough times when Logan was born , but he would come over to hang out with Matt while Matt was home taking care of Logan and I was working . I know ( that on some days ) it helped Matt a ton to have Eric there . I remember coming home one day . I opened the door and they were both sitting on the couch . Matt had the video game controller and Eric was holding Logan . I was glad that there was someone there to help my boys through hard times . Someone who loved my son , and still likes him enough to tease him when he sees him . I 'm glad that we got to spend some time with Eric for his birthday . ( But , sorry for the circumstances . ) We love you ! * Day 227 * Growing up , every second or third weekend in August was the Harvey family reunion . It was for all the descendants of my moms grandma and grandpa Harvey . This was the only vacation that we went on through the summer ( at least when I was younger ) . We always camped somewhere , and we always had fun . When we got older , the reunion was changed to every other year . The summer after I got married , I took Matt to the last Harvey reunion . Great grandma and grandpa Harvey had both passed on by then . There was a vote , but only between grandma and grandpas children . It was decided not to have the reunion anymore . They figured that all of the children had enough kids , grandkids and great - grandkids to have their own family reunion . We were upset that we didn 't get to vote because we would have all voted with grandma Anderson to keep the reunion . I have a lot of fond memories of the Harvey reunion . ( Of course , they might be too random to turn into a blog . ) But , yesterday , we had a Harvey reunion . It was just a few hours at the park by my mom and dads ' house . As always it was fun to see family , and we had a good time . James , Kellie and Logan making a sling shot . Joey and Cassie and Heather enjoying some refreshments . Matt and Steven refueling after some frisbee . Logan hanging with the older boys , being " bored " . ( You never would have caught us saying we were bored at a Harvey reunion . I think we knew more people than they do . We don 't see these guys very often . ) Andrea , Addie and Mom and Dad hanging in the shade . It was hot ! * Day 226 * Today my nephew Josh turns 20 . Josh was my very first nephew . He 's the one that made me an aunt . I was . . . . oh , wait a minute , I was going to tell you how old I was when he was born . But , if you can do math , then you 'll be able to figure out how old I am . And since this blog isn 't about me . . . . . It 's fun to be an aunt . You get to play with the little kids , and have fun . But you don 't have deal with them at bedtime or when they 're cranky , or when you don 't want to . I loved being an aunt from the very beginning . It was really fun to watch Josh learn and grow . And he was such a cute little kid . Now , he 's a pretty funny big kid . ( I just don 't know if I can call him adult . I mean , I remember him as a baby . ) You Turkey ! ( Inside joke , maybe a blog for another day . ) This is Josh wearing my running shoes when he was 2 . I felt so proud when he went home and told his mom that he wanted " a little pair of Nike 's " . I felt like I was being a good influence on him . That made me feel like a good aunt . Hopefully I 'm still a good aunt and have a good influence on all of nieces and nephews . Hope you have a great birthday Josh ! * Day 225 * I was thinking about my blog from yesterday and why me and my friend talk for hours when we see each other . Today at work I think figured it out . . . . . . . SHE LISTENS ! I think I 'm in the wrong profession for someone that likes to be listened to when they talk . * Day 224 * So , my friend came and picked me up for water aerobics last night . We went over and the pool was closed for maintenance . ( Second time this week . ) So , she brought me back home . Then we talked and talked and talked . I didn 't get in until an hour past what I would have if I 'd actually gone to aerobics . It 's easy to talk her . It got me thinking . . . . . . No wonder our presidency meetings were always so long when we were in the primary presidency together . Just kidding . Actually they were always long , beacuse we would get talking and there was always plenty to talk about . We just have a lot of the same views and opinions on topics such as parenting . And I just think she is amazing . After talking to her , I always leave feeling inspried to try something new or to be a little better in some way . She just motivates me to be better . Just by the way she lives and acts . For instance , I don 't think I would have started going to water aerobics without her . Two summers ago , I wouldn 't have lost 20 pounds without her heading up a contest . And sticking to it . Anyway , I 'm tired today , and I feel bad that I kept her away from home for so long , but I feel better today . Thanks Amber ! * Day 223 * So , here 's what 's going on inside my brain . * I ordered a bountiful basket this week even though I wasn 't going to because I didn 't need it . But , my sister needs peaches and they had them for sale . Only problem is , you can 't get the peaches without the basket . I thought I could finish all my produce without it wasting . But , I have to be at Lynn 's early and late the rest of the week because she 's gone . That means we 're not home to eat it . Now I don 't know how I will eat so much produce . * For being alone at work , today wasn 't too bad . I seemed to be in a much better mood than I thought I might be in , and time goes by pretty fast when you 're the only one there to cook and clean up and change diapers , and get projects set up . * My mood improved when I found out Lynn will be back Friday afternoon instead of Saturday . That means I won 't have to stay super late on Friday . Yay ! * I really want to go to my family reunion on Saturday . I 'm missing my family . But , I don 't know if I want to be in the heat that 's supposed to be down there . And I might need some R & R this weekend . * Fresh Market has chocolate chips on sale . I had an incredible urge to open the bag and eat them all . * Matt has a big bag of candy from Canada . I really want to eat some . But , I really want my summer shorts to fit me more . So , I have to be really good and not eat any treats until I loose enough weight to fit comfortably into my clothes . I think summer will be over before I get there . But , at least I will be able to fit into my winter clothes . Hopefully . * Looking forward to water aerobics . Cool water . Non - bone jarring workout . Sounds good . Also , I burned my finger cooking dinner . I hope the water helps it feel better . * I am sore from playing kickball yesterday . It 's sad what will make me sore these days . I 'm not looking forward to getting really old . I guess I 'll stop now . That 's probably as much of mind as you need to be exposed to right now . Besides my other thoughts are coming and going too fast for me to remember them . * Day 222 * I 'm sorry to anyone who is still reading this blog . I know my posts lately have been really lame . My mental energy lately just isn 't enough to come up with a good idea . Tonight is no better . Lynn is gone the rest of the week , so I 'm on my own at work . I am NOT looking forward it . It 's already put me in a cranky mood . So , I 'm really not in the mood to blog . ( Just wait for tomorrow . Feel the sarcasm . ) * Day 221 * In honor of going out to get shaved ice tonight , I thought I would post the picture of the first time Logan had shaved ice . He was about 18 months old . We shared ( obviously ) . He liked it then , and he likes it now . * Day 220 * Felt busy today , but it didn 't seem like I really got much done . Did some grocery shopping , spent some time weeding in the garden and picking peas , cleaned up some stuff outside , washed the cars , did some dishes , then dirtied some more , vacuumed , made some cookies and had a good time with the neighbors at a BBQ at the park . OK maybe I did get some stuff done , just not all the stuff I wanted to get done . Well , there 's always next Saturday . ( Unless Logan is successful at talking me into going to the aquatic center . ) * Day 219 * I know it 's more of a winter food , but we had homemade chicken noodle soup for dinner . The best part is homemade noodles . I 'm trying to teach Logan how to make them . Then maybe we can have them more often , and it 's not so much work for me . : ) mmmmmmmmm . . . . soup * Day 218 * I 've been in a cooking funk lately . I was out of town for two weeks so I didn 't really have to cook for my family . Then , when I was finally home , I was too tired to cook . Now I 'm living in reality again , so I have to start making some healthy meals . Trouble is , I don 't feel like cooking hot food when it 's hot outside , and I want easy stuff to fix . I 've had no ideas for dinner lately , and no desire to go back to my old standbys . So , I 've been looking for some new ideas . Tonight we tried one . It was easy . It was fast . It didn 't heat up the house . It was good . It 's a keeper . Here 's the recipe . Strawberry Cashew Salad1 pkg . Ramen noodles ( any flavor ) 1 / 4 c . butter1 / 4 c . sugar1 / 2 teas . soy sauce1 / 2 c . green onions ( if you like that kind of thing ) 1 c . cashews1 / 4 c . vegetable oil2 Tbls . red wine vinegar8 cups romaine lettuce2 cups strawberriesBreak up ramen noodles into bite size pieces . Saute noodles and cashews in butter until golden brown . Mix vinegar , oil , sugar and soy sauce to make dressing . Chop onion and strawberries . Toss all ingredients together . We didn 't have strawberries , which would have been so good with it . And of course I didn 't use onions . I was sad because I had some spinach from the garden I was going to add and I totally forgot about it . Oh well , we still liked it . Logan already wants to pick lettuce from the garden to make it again . Hurray ! * Day 217 * When I was a kid , I thought swimming was playing on the steps and splashing in the shallow end of the pool . And I liked it . But , that was as far as my swimming abilities went . Until my mom decided that we needed swimming lessons . I had to be at least 9 or 10 . From the beginning I don 't think we were fond of the idea . We thought we knew how to swim just fine . I didn 't know how little I knew . Here is the story of our first day of swim lessons . We got to the pool , and we were a little nervous because we 'd never really swam before . I didn 't know the first thing about how to keep myself up in the water . Sherry was in one class and me and Renae were in the same class . Me and Renae went with our class and got in the pool . In pretty deep water . I don 't think I could touch . So , we were clinging to the edge of the pool . Then , our teachers said to start out , I want you to swim across the pool . I just froze . I didn 't know what to do . I knew I couldn 't do that . But , I was also a very shy kid , and I didn 't know what to say either . Thank goodness Renae was there . She took care of it . She started to cry . When the teacher asked what was wrong , I told them that we couldn 't swim . So , they told us that we should be in another class and swam us across the pool to a different teacher . I was so glad to have Renae there that day . Lessons went OK . We learned to keep ourselves afloat . But , we didn 't want to do it again . At the end of the year they gave us little cards to tell us what class we should be in the next year . We didn 't want to take swim lessons again , so we hid the cards from our mom thinking that if she couldn 't find them we wouldn 't have to take lessons again . We didn 't have lessons again . But , I 'm not sure it had anything to do with us hiding those cards . In college I had to take a swim class . ( One of the requirements for a Physical Education major . ) I was still scared . I knew the teacher was a die hard swimmer . So , naturally , I put it off as long as I could . I was still nervous on the first day , but I didn 't have RenPosted by * Day 216 * We were talking the other day . And I was remembering a story from my childhood . I thought it was funny , so I 'm going to share it . Maybe it can bring you inspiration or help you in your parenting at some point . I know that I have used this approach ( or modified version ) on Logan . Enjoy ! I don 't remember all the exact details , but you 'll get the main point . We were home one night . My mom was working so just dad was there . I don 't remember what happened , but I 'm pretty sure it was Aaron . He got mad about something and went into his room and slammed the door . Now , my parents had taught us to take care of their house and respect others peoples property and stuff like that . My dad wasn 't happy about him slamming the door . My dad my not have been able to hear anything that was murmured under your breath , but he can at least feel the door slam . And , like I said , he wasn 't happy about it . So my dad went into my brothers room . He told my brother that he didn 't like the way he shut his door . Then , he told him he wanted him to practice shutting his door the right way . My dad stood there and made him shut his door nicely ten times . My brother had a pretty sheepish look on his face while he did it . But , my favorite part was the tenth time he shut his door . My dad said , " I didn 't like that last one , do it again . " I don 't think I 've ever slammed a door . I think if my son ever does it , he will be practicing shutting his door the right way . * Day 221 * There is a room in our house that has been titled " the craft room " . In reality it is more than that . Yes , my craft supplies are in there . But so are the holiday decorations , old baby clothes , toys , and furniture , the ironing board , emergency preparedness items , camping stuff and anything that doesn 't fit anywhere else in the house . Well , in my efforts to clean and better organize my house , I was led to the craft room . As I stood there overwhelmed and wondering where to start , I realized something . ( Here is the confession part . ) I am just a craft supply collector . I want to be crafty . I like doing crafts . I have good intentions about finishing ( or starting ) projects . But , the truth is , I don 't get around to it very often . So , I realized that for all my love of wanting to be crafty , at this point in my life it has got pushed so far down the list that I am just a craft supply collector . It 's really a shame because if I actually used some of my supplies , my room might be less of a mess . * Sigh * Sorry no picture . I thought about it , but I would be way too embarrassed for anyone to see that mess . * Day 215 * Oh long weekend , how I will miss you . I realized this weekend that this is the first Saturday that I have been in town since Memorial Day . No wonder my house is a mess and I can 't muster the energy to do anything . And of course it means that I had big plans for a long holiday weekend at home . Actually , I tried not to make any plans . In case I just felt like relaxing and recovering from the past month . Here are some of the highlights of our long weekend . I think it was a good mix of work and play . But that doesn 't mean I 'm ready for work again tomorrow . * Went to the Library * Went to the Temple * Watched fireworks with family * Went to breakfast with family * Logan got a new bike * Celebrated my mom 's birthday * Celebrated Jessica 's birthday * Water aerobics * Bike ride * Taught a lesson * Got to the garden and weeded , weeded , weeded , weeded . . . . . . I can see my plants now ! Also got to pick fresh peas . Delicious ! * Relaxed ! * Cleaned kitchen * Made shorts for Logan . He is so happy to have them . He was soooo hot . * Day 214 * Happy 4th of July ! I 'd just like to take this opportunity to say that I am grateful to live in this country . I 'm thankful for the freedom I enjoy . I 'm thankful the men and women who fought for the liberties which we now enjoy . I 'm grateful for all those who are still fighting . My niece was born on the fourth of July . So , I want to say happy birthday to Jessica . She is three years old today . My favorite thing about Jessica is the ways that she is not like her mom . ( Don 't get me wrong , I love her mom . I have to , we 're surprisingly similar . ) I love that I can get Jessica to do anything if I promise to paint her toenails . I knew that her mom would never paint her nails . I 'm sure Lynn has never owned nail polish . I also knew that she didn 't want to Jessica to be girly . So , as a good aunt , for Jessica 's first birthday I painted her nails . I knew it would be hard to get away with and that Lynn wouldn 't want me to . So , I painted them red and blue . Lynn was so into dressing Jessica patriotic that I would be able to get away with it only if it was red and blue . While I painted Jessica 's nails for the first time , she sat so still and just stared at me . Lynn stood back cringing , tyring not to say anything or smack me as her little girl enjoyed every minute of it . I just laughed . Hahaha , I got away with it ! Now Jessica will ask me to bring my fingernail polish over so I can paint her nails . I always happily oblige . And Lynn has come to realization that it 's cute for her to have her nails painted , as long as she plays tee - ball too . Jessica with her Tinkerbell cake . Another hard thing for her mom to swallow . She like Princesses ! ( You can 't see her fingernails , but they are painted , red and blue . This year at her mother 's request . ) * Day 213 * It 's my mom 's birthday . I 'm glad I have her . ( I 'm glad she had me ! ) I don 't remember ever going through that phase when I didn 't like my mom . ( She might remember differently ? ) But , I think I 've always appreciated my mom . Of course I 've learned through the years to appreciate her for different reasons and my appreciation for her has grown . And hopefully I have learned to show my appreciation better than maybe I did when I was younger . I am glad I have the mom that I have ( not that other mothers are bad . . . ) . I am so grateful for the way she raised me and the things she taught me . She was always supportive of us . ( How many of your moms ' have run up the big hill in Sugarhouse park ? ) She is a great example . She is a hard worker and doesn 't shy away from any task . She 's willing to help others . She 's sensible . She 's a good teacher . She shares her love . She can do pretty much anything you need her too . And I still ask her to help me with plenty of things . Thanks for everything mom ! I wouldn 't be who I am without you . Hope your birthday was great . I love you ! Logan picked out a compass for my mom . He giggled while she was opening it . ( I 'll try to keep him from picking out another for Christmas and your birthday next year . He thought it was so funny . ) When we were in Montana last month , my mom got turned around . She kept asking which direction we were going . There were days when she just couldn 't get it straight . Of , course , we teased her about it . We also joked about getting her a compass . Logan is a good listener when he wants to be . So , enjoy the compass ! ( He also picked out some bracelets . ) * Day 211 * I make Logan ride his bike to work with me in the summer . It 's really not as bad as it sounds . He actually got really pouty the other day when I told him we were driving . It 's not a punishment for him . So , we rode our bikes over to Lynn 's yesterday . Diego brought his bike too . Logan and Diego brought their bikes into the backyard to ride them . Later in the afternoon we were out by the bikes trying to get a toy out of the tree . All of the sudden we heard a big bang . I looked toward the sound and saw a puff of dust come from near Logan 's bike . So we went to investigate . And . . . . . . Logan 's bike tire popped . It was just sitting there all by itself and then his tire exploded . The tube and the tire had holes in them . I guess it got too hot for Logan 's little bike . Maybe it 's all right . I was noticing while he was riding that his knees come within an inch of his handlebars when he rides . Yesterday he was also pointing out that his seat was bending in half . I was planning on getting him a new bike . Now , I 'd rather get him a new bike than fix his old one . I wonder if he planned this just to speed up the bike buying process . Hmmmmm ? Logan 's Spiderman bike . Farewell friend . You have served us well . This the hole in Logan 's tire . It must have been really hot yesterday . Oh , yeah , it was . |
Eight years ago this big gentle soul became a part of our family . . When we first moved to Northern Michigan , we rented a home and could not have a dog . . . We had lost our beloved dog " Gunner " a few months earlier . . We both missed him terribly and looked forward to adding a new dog to our family . . . He found quite a few ads for puppy 's and called on them , trying to decide which one he 'd like to go see . . But something kept telling me to go visit our local animal shelter in Roscommon , Michigan . . I dropped in one Saturday after John had left for work , but it just happened that most of the animals had been taken to a pet adoption show in the hopes of finding them new homes . . A gal that worked there , named DeeDee asked me where I lived . . . When I told her , she said she 'd driven by our house quite a few times . . She asked if I had other dogs . . . when I said no , she said a dog named " Sad Sacks " might be a great fit for us . . She introduced me to him , but he was busy barking at a dog in the pen next to him and didn 't appear to be very friendly . . She told me he really wasn 't that loud normally , he just didn 't like other dogs and didn 't like this new dog housing next to him . . I kind of had my hopes set on a blond lab . . I 'd wanted one for years and had hoped there might be a similar dog waiting for a home here at the shelter . . . Sad Sacks was black with brown on his muzzle and legs . He was a Lab mix , but also German Shepherd . . . He wasn 't really the color , or kind of dog I was hoping to find and after looking at the other few dogs that had remained behind , I thanked her and left , thinking that wasn 't a very successful trip . . . But from the time I left the shelter , I kept thinking about Sad Sacks . . I couldn 't get him out of my mind . . When John got home from work , I told him about my visit and about Sad Sacks . . He didn 't seem very interested , but I couldn 't stop thinking about him . . The next day I talked John into going to the animal shelter with me . . . . After thinking about Sad Sacks again all night , I called as soon as they opened . . DeeDee asked me if I 'd thought any more about Sad Sacks . . I told her yes , I had , a lot , but he just hadn 't really impressed John much because he wouldn 't come to the front of his pen . . She started telling me what a special dog he was and that he spent his days in the shelter office with her . . She told me everyone there was very attached to him , but he had been there for 6 months because he just didn 't like other dogs . . She had taken him home at one time , but he kept fighting with her other dogs , so she had to take him back to the shelter . . He had been brought in as a stray , but was completely house trained and very well mannered . . They had named him Sad Sacks because he looked so sad . . . She obviously loved him very much , and just the fact that she was trying to find a home for him rather than keep him there at the shelter where she could see him everyday shows what a loving person she is . . . Our shelter is a no kill shelter , so Sad Sacks could have spent the remainder of his days there . . . She suggested I bring my husband back in again and see if we couldn 't get a different reaction out of Sad Sacks . . But once there , it was the same thing . . He was very friendly to me , but seemed afraid of John . . That bothered John , as he loves dogs , and didn 't want a dog to be afraid of him . . . I still had this tug on my heart about Sad Sacks , but at the same time , I wanted to find a dog for both of us , not just for me . . . The dog John had been interested in had been adopted by someone else . . . We walked around petting all the other dogs , but none of them grabbed our hearts . . As we were leaving , DeeDee asked if we were sure we didn 't want to consider Sad Sacks . . I 'm not sure why she was so sure we were meant for him , but she certainly did ! She suggested we wait in the shelter office and she would bring Sad Sacks in to see us . . I was all for it , but waited to see what John thought . . He agreed , so we went to the office and sat down to wait for them to bring Sad Sacks in . . . He walked in the office and immediately went over to John , put his head on his knee , looked up at him with those big brown eyes , and John melted . . He said " fine . . . you can come home with us . . " Shortly after he came to live with us , we realized he didn 't look sad anymore , and we decided we needed to rename him . . We tried a lot of names , but nothing seemed right , until we thought of " Bear " , since he looks a lot like a Michigan black bear . . . It was the one name he seemed to like and took to right off the bat , so he was officially renamed Bear . . . About a month after he was here , I decided to buy him a new collar . . I picked out a red one , since red is my favorite color . . . I still remember the day I took off his old collar and put the new one on . . He leaned against me and smiled . . He actually smiled at me . . . He looked so happy , and I instinctively knew that he knew he was staying . . . We discovered he had many fears , some we suspect , may be from someone who abused him . I have an art studio in the backyard , but Bear will not go in it . . He will also not go inside the travel trailer . . He was afraid to walk on the 4 ' wide walkway between the house and garage and also does not want to go inside the garage . . We suspect someone may have locked him in a small space and left him there . . He is also very afraid of rain and thunderstorms . . One day we had an unexpected , very heavy rainstorm in the afternoon . . John had gotten all the window air conditioners out to put in various windows , but hadn 't had enough time to put one of them in before having to leave for work in the afternoon . . I suddenly realized the air conditioner was sitting on the ground in the pouring rain , which I didn 't think was probably good for it , so I put on my rain coat and ran out to cover it up . . Bear ran out with me , between the house and garage to get to it , and stood there " helping " me cover it with plastic to protect it from the rain . . We were both soaked to the bone by time I got done and once back in the house , I grabbed a couple of towels to dry us both off . . What was amazing about this is that Bear was so afraid of not only the rain , but of walking between the garage and house , yet he ignored his fears to help me . . . That 's the kind of loyal friend he is . . . Another time , I was standing out in our screened in porch just as it was getting dark out . . Bear leaned against my leg and growled . . I couldn 't figure out what in the world he was doing , he never growled at anything , but he kept pressing against my leg making this low growling noise . . I kept looking outside and finally spotted what he saw . . A big black Michigan bear was walking down a back driveway into our yard . . When it heard Bear 's growls , it turned and went the opposite way . . . When he first came to live with us , he was checking out all the rooms . . He seemed to be reading my " I love stitchin " sign . . He must have thought , ahhh . . . that explains all the material ! A few months after he came to live with us , my oldest son came for a visit . . He ended up coming down with strep throat on his vacation , and not feeling well , he laid down on our couch to take a nap . Bear had been afraid of him up until this point , but seemed to instinctively know my son wasn 't feeling good . . . He went over to the couch and very slowly put one paw up on the couch , then another , then climbed up and laid down next to Jess , as if to take care of him . . My son is a big guy , over 6 ' tall , so Bear really had to snuggle to stay on the couch . . They 've been old friends ever since . . . I can 't imagine our lives without Bear in it these last 8 years . . He is very attached to me and tends to follow me no matter where I 'm at in the house or in the yard . . The only room I don 't let any of the animals in is my sewing room , so when I 'm in there working , Bear lays in front of the door waiting for me to come out . . The connection to John was not as instant as it was to me . . . We don 't know any thing about his history , but we suspect there was a woman who loved him and a man in a baseball cap that abused him . . For the first couple of years , he seemed afraid of John when he had a baseball cap on , or when any of our sons were here visiting wearing baseball caps , he seemed afraid of them . . It took John months of convincing Bear he would never hurt him before Bear really let down his guard . . One night I was doing some laundry when I noticed our cat flying out of the screen in porch just as Bear ran into the room growling . . There 's a sliding glass door between the porch and our house . . I hurried over to the room and flipped on the light , and to my amazement , a HUGE black bear was sitting on it 's butt looking in the screened in room . . I think it was just people watching , it didn 't seem like it was up to anything , but Bear did not like it there . . He ran to the screen , barking and growling . . The bear didn 't like that and started growling back , and boy did it have a big head , big mouth and very large teeth ! ! ! It reached up with his very long claws and ripped some of the screen . . I was standing there yelling " Bear , come here . . get inside " . . Finally Bear came to me , I grabbed him , slid the door shut and by time I looked up , the bear was walking away . . It did occur to me later that the bear may have thought I was inviting him inside since I was saying " Bear get inside " . lol . . . After that , we enclosed the bottom half of the screened in porch just to be on the safe side ! I think that is when John and Bear really bonded . . John worked 2nd shift so he wasn 't home at the time . . When I told him what had happened , he praised Bear up and down for protecting me and our home . . From that time on , the two of them became the best of friends . . . . We didn 't know for sure how old Bear was when we adopted him since he was taken to the shelter as a stray . . . Now , 8 years later , he has a white face , white paws and unfortunately , Hip Dysplasia . . . We 've been through many bouts of ear infections with him before we realized they were being caused by food allergies . We went through one all natural , organic dog food after another before discovering the raw food diet , which finally put an end to his ear infections . . It 's also been great for his hip problems , keeps his weight down and most importantly , makes him happy . . I give him a supplement of Glucosomine , Chonditrine and MSM every day , plus a dog aspirin in the morning and late afternoon . . Bear always had kind of oil fur , he shed like crazy , chewed on his paws , as I mentioned , repeated ear infections and had your typical doggie odor . . But after a few weeks on the Raw Foods Diet , all that disappeared ! Bear loved to be tucked in before his bedtime kiss goodnight . . . Despite Bear 's dislike of other dogs , he and my daughters Dachshund became instant friends about 3 years ago , which surprised all of us . . Last year , my daughter and her family found out they were going back to Germany ( my son in law is career military and this is their 3rd tour in Germany ) . . Because of situations beyond their control , they were not able to take Champie with them . . . Champie came to live with us and he and Bear became the best of friends , always together , no matter what . We brought Champie back with us after a visit to Georgia to see Ronda and family before they left for Germany . . Champie had slept in a dog crate at night for much of his life , so we left him in his dog carrier for the first night since he was in a new , unfamiliar place . . First thing in the morning , Bear went to Champies carrier wagging his tail and looking very happy . . We could almost read Bear 's mind . . It seemed like he was saying " I 've got so much to show you little guy . Let 's get started " . . . Wherever Bear is , that 's where we find Champie . . We do believe the two of them are soul mates . . We recently put down new wood flooring , which proved to be hard for Bear to maneuver at times , so we have strategically placed carpets here and there to help him get around . . . John built him a little food stand to hold his dog dish up higher so he doesn 't have to put pressure on his hips bending down to eat . . We will do anything to make his time left on earth as comfortable as possible . . . He 's been on many adventures with us . . . I often travel alone to visit with our grown kids who live in various states and Bear always goes with me , my protector and companion . . . I remember on one trip , on the way home , I was getting tired so looked for a Best Western hotel for us to stay for the night , since most of them allow pets . . I got a room with 2 full beds , and when we walked in , Bear sat between the beds looking back and forth between the two . . After a few moments of contemplation , he jumped up on one of them and settled in for the night . . Bear never gets on our beds at home , but whenever we travel with him , he seems to feel it 's his vacation too , and that means he gets to sleep on the beds . . That always makes us laugh . . No matter how many times we tell him to get off the bed , he just waits till we aren 't looking and then back on the bed he goes . . Yet he never , ever does that at home ! I 've learned a lot about life from Bear . . I realized that adoption is absolutely the best option ! Just because a dog ends up in a shelter does not mean it 's not a wonderful pet . . Animals end up in shelters for a lot of reasons , and your best friend may be waiting in your local shelter right now , waiting for you to show up and take him / her home . . . We had a preconceived idea about the color and kind of dog we wanted . . . I realize now that is so crazy ! If we had held out for the exact dog we wanted , we would have missed out on one of the most wonderful relationships of our lives . . I also realize that animals in most shelters do not need to be " pitied " , as if they are living a horrible existence . . The employees I 've met in our shelter treat these animals with love and care . . They work in shelters because they love animals , and hope these furry baby 's will all find a loving home of their own , sooner than later . . . My heart is broken this morning . I have known for a long time that Bear 's journey on earth was coming to an end . His black and brown muzzle is now pure white , and he was obviously feeling his age . . I have been trying to prepare myself for this for a couple of months now , but nothing can prepare one emotionally . Bear was acting unusual last night . . His breathing seemed labored and he seemed a bit confused . Something told me his time had come and Bear would be going home . . I 'm blessed that I had time to tell this wonderful friend goodbye , and how much I loved him and appreciate our 8 wonderful years together . . He passed away in his sleep , very peacefully . . My husband and I have had a day of tears and sharing all our wonderful memories of Bear . . We buried him next to our little garden pond in the yard where Bear always liked to lay in the sun . . When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here , that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge . There are meadows and hills for all our special friends so they can run and play together . There is plenty of food , water and sunshine , and our friends are warm and comfortable . All the animals who had been ill or old are restored to health and vigor ; those who were hurt or maimed they each miss someone very special to them who had to be left behind . They all run and play together , but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance . His bright eyes are intent ; his eager body quivers . Suddenly he begins to run from the group , flying over the green grass , his legs carrying him faster and faster . You have been spotted , and when you and your special friend finally meet , you cling to each other in joyous reunion , never to be parted again . The happy kisses rain upon your face ; your hands again caress the beloved head and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet , so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart . Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together . . . . . . . . Posted by He came to live with us 12 years ago when he was about 1 1 / 2 years old . . He was actually my daughters cat , but when my son in law was told he was being transferred to Germany ( Army ) , they knew it would be hard to take Tomi along . They asked if we could keep him until they could send for him . . That was in the summer of 2001 . . A week or so after they arrived in Germany , 9 / 11 happened . . Suddenly it didn 't seem very safe to have a cat traveling by himself on a plane . . There was talk off and on for the next couple of years about having him go over , but in the end , he stayed with us . . This was fine with us because we had fallen in love with this fluffy guy from day one . Just before Tomi had come to stay with us , we had loss our 9 year old cat named Digit . . . Diggie loved to go outside and would sometimes sneak out without our even knowing it . . One morning he did just that , and was hit by a car . . He didn 't survive , and our hearts were broken . . He was one of a kind and a joy to have in our lives . . Shortly after Tomi came to live with us , our other cat , Moose , passed away . . The vet suspected he might have been diabetic . . I 'm not so sure . . He and Digit had been together since they were 6 weeks old , and loved each other completely . . . I 've always wondered if Moose died from a broken heart . . With these two losses , Tomi became the center of our attention and filled a huge hole in our hearts . . We also had a dog named Gunner , which my husband already had when we were married . . Gunner came inside to visit during the day , but slept in his kennel at night . . This gave Tomi all our attention in the evenings , which he obviously loved . . Eventually , I talked my husband into letting Gunner stay in the house full time . . He was worried , as he was sure Gunner would attack Tomi . . For months Gunner had spent his days outside traveling the same path around our deck and past our windows that ran the length of the wall as Tomi moved from window to window inside the house torturing Gunner . . . If he wasn 't teasing Gunner , he was watching chipmunks . . Despite my husbands concerns , Gunner and Tomi became the best of friends . . Tomi took naps on the footstool while gunner napped on the floor next to him . . They spent their days and evenings hanging out in the same rooms with each and seemed to have formed a very special , sweet friendship . Sadly , gunner passed away a few years later . . He was 14 years old and had lived his life like a big ole puppy . . . He was a character , and to this day , when we talk about him , both our eyes well up with tears . We lost Gunner at one of the lowest points in our lives . . My husband 's job as a Supervisor had been eliminated one week before Christmas when the economy first started getting shaky . . 2 weeks later we lost Gunner . . . Knowing a huge factory in our area that employed over 2000 people had just announced they were moving their plant to Mexico , we knew it was going to be very hard for my husband to find another job . . A few months later , he was offered a job in Northern Michigan . . We really weren 't sure we wanted to move that far away from family , especially our grandkids , plus we had only lived in our house for a couple of years . . But we knew at that time , it might be years before jobs started opening up in our area , so with heavy hearts , he took the job . . We sold our house that we had put so much work and money in , and took a loss . . The realtor made more money than we did . . I know this is happening all over our country and I feel for everyone who has experienced this . . It sucks ! We have moved four times since Tomi 's been with us . . He adapts like a pro . . . As long as he has someplace to nap and grass to eat , he 's a happy camper . . We 've often remarked that we think he has a grass addiction , but the good kind . . Tomi was always a bit on the hefty side , weighing over 20 lbs . . . About 3 years ago , he started loosing weight , started loosing large clumps of hair , threw up a lot , was kind of grouchy and developed a lump on his throat . . We were worried beyond belief that we would loose him . . . It turned out he is hyperthyroid and his thyroid is enlarged . . The medical choices didn 't sound that great to us . . They either do surgery to remove the thyroid , which many cats do not survive through , especially older cats , or give radiation iodine treatments to kill the thyroid , which would make him radio active for a while and we 'd have to wear gloves and face masks when changing his cat box & not let our other cat use Tomi 's box , or put him on a medication for the rest of his life which would be very expensive , takes a lot of trial and error to find the right dosage and if he failed to get it on a regular basis , the symptoms would return . . Of these 3 choices , the radiation iodine treatment is supposedly the safest , although , because of the radiation , it can only be administered in specialized veterinary clinics , and the kitty patient may need to stay until they are radiation free , probably 1 - 2 weeks . I started looking into safer , more natural remedies and ended up putting him on an organic , all natural cat food made by a company here in America called Pet Guard . There cat food is actually human food grade ! We could eat it , but yuck . . who would ? lol . . I did a lot of research and found that liver is really good for ailing cats , so we picked a food that has fish , chicken and liver in it . . He loves it and has been eating it for years now . . . . I also put him on Essiac , a natural supplement that helps correct problems in the body , then eventually started him on Thyroid Sooth , an all natural product sold by Pet Alive , also an American company , that makes all natural remedies for pets . . . The Thyroid Soothe really made a big difference and he 's still using it . It 's also much less expensive than the prescription drug a vet would have given him . . . Tomi is now about 14 years old and doing really well . . . He no longer has hair coming out in chunks , he 's stopped throwing up ( other than an occasional hairball ) , he 's gained some of his weight back ( he 's actually at a healthier weight now ) and he 's back to being Mr . Lovey Dovey . . . He 's laying here next to me right now . . If I 'm on my laptop , he is usually here with me . . Tomi seems to know he has top seniority , as he lets the other furry kids in our household know on a pretty regular basis . . . Tom sleeps next to my head , or sometimes , ON my head every night . . He gives me sweet little kisses on my forehead every morning and off and on throughout the day . . I 'm so grateful there is so much information out there on the Internet and in books concerning alternative treatments for pets ( as well as humans ) . . . I would never tell anyone they shouldn 't take their pet to the vet or follow the treatment prescribed . . . What I would say is , there are alternatives , and may be worth looking into before making a decision . . All I know is , we could have lost him if we had opted for surgery or the radiation therapy 3 years ago . . Natural care has given us 3 more years of love , purrs and kisses from our big orange fur ball , and we are forever grateful for that . While doing research about hyperthyroidism in cats , I discovered that this is happening at an alarming rate in the United States . . This is something that was pretty much unheard of a few years ago . . It is believed that there is a connection to fish caught in polluted waters and hyperthyroidism . They believe the fish is contaminated and the thyroid does not know what to do with all those contaminates . I tried foods that did not contain fish for Tomi when we first went organic for him , but he did not like them . . I can 't even remember how many flavors we tried for him . . The only one he really likes is the Fish / Chicken / Liver flavor . . However , because this is an American company and their first priority is in creating healthy and safe food for pets , I do feel better about feeding him this While we are very pleased with Tomi 's results and glad we made this decision about his health , please remember , I 'm not a professional , and this is only my little ole opinion on what we decided to do after doing a lot of research on the subject . Tomi had a lot of modeling gigs back in the day when I first started my Karens Kats website . Our pets love us no matter what . They don 't care what we look like , what kind of clothes we wear , if we have bad hair days or look like crap . . They love us unconditionally . I can 't imagine a life without these furry companions . . We are blessed to have four furry children . They all have their unique little personalities and keep us entertained . . On days when it feels like the world is out to get us , there 's always purrs and licks to remind us we are loved . I grew up in a family of animal lovers . . We always had cats and dogs . . I don 't remember a moment in time when we didn 't have pets . I don 't think there 's been a moment in my adult life when I didn 't have a furry companion , either . I have to admit , I think I get along with animals better than people . . I 'm an introvert by nature , enjoy quiet over conversation and enjoy my solitude . . I know . . I sound like a hermit . . . but I just seem to get along with animals really well , at least , the animals that I 've had in my life . . I 've heard " hunters " say animals do not have a soul , so that 's why it 's ok to hunt them . . . All I can say to that is , how does a living creature love unconditionally if they don 't have a soul ? For me , I believe animals are a gift from God , and I look forward to reuniting with all the incredible furry friends I 've made in this lifetime when my journey comes to it 's end . . Posted by My name is Karen Challender and I 've been a crafter all my life . I worked in Corporate America for a little over 20 years , but left to pursue my dream of making a living creating all the things I love to do . . I opened a web based business in 2002 called Karens Kottage , which grew into Karens Kats , Karens Kreations , Karens Kandles , Karens Kids and Karens Kraft Kloset . . I never really liked my name until I realized I could use it in so many ways ! lol . . . I love what I do for a living and feel very blessed to be able to make a living working from home . View my complete profile |
Eight years ago this big gentle soul became a part of our family . . When we first moved to Northern Michigan , we rented a home and could not have a dog . . . We had lost our beloved dog " Gunner " a few months earlier . . We both missed him terribly and looked forward to adding a new dog to our family . . . He found quite a few ads for puppy 's and called on them , trying to decide which one he 'd like to go see . . But something kept telling me to go visit our local animal shelter in Roscommon , Michigan . . I dropped in one Saturday after John had left for work , but it just happened that most of the animals had been taken to a pet adoption show in the hopes of finding them new homes . . A gal that worked there , named DeeDee asked me where I lived . . . When I told her , she said she 'd driven by our house quite a few times . . She asked if I had other dogs . . . when I said no , she said a dog named " Sad Sacks " might be a great fit for us . . She introduced me to him , but he was busy barking at a dog in the pen next to him and didn 't appear to be very friendly . . She told me he really wasn 't that loud normally , he just didn 't like other dogs and didn 't like this new dog housing next to him . . I kind of had my hopes set on a blond lab . . I 'd wanted one for years and had hoped there might be a similar dog waiting for a home here at the shelter . . . Sad Sacks was black with brown on his muzzle and legs . He was a Lab mix , but also German Shepherd . . . He wasn 't really the color , or kind of dog I was hoping to find and after looking at the other few dogs that had remained behind , I thanked her and left , thinking that wasn 't a very successful trip . . . But from the time I left the shelter , I kept thinking about Sad Sacks . . I couldn 't get him out of my mind . . When John got home from work , I told him about my visit and about Sad Sacks . . He didn 't seem very interested , but I couldn 't stop thinking about him . . The next day I talked John into going to the animal shelter with me . . . . After thinking about Sad Sacks again all night , I called as soon as they opened . . DeeDee asked me if I 'd thought any more about Sad Sacks . . I told her yes , I had , a lot , but he just hadn 't really impressed John much because he wouldn 't come to the front of his pen . . She started telling me what a special dog he was and that he spent his days in the shelter office with her . . She told me everyone there was very attached to him , but he had been there for 6 months because he just didn 't like other dogs . . She had taken him home at one time , but he kept fighting with her other dogs , so she had to take him back to the shelter . . He had been brought in as a stray , but was completely house trained and very well mannered . . They had named him Sad Sacks because he looked so sad . . . She obviously loved him very much , and just the fact that she was trying to find a home for him rather than keep him there at the shelter where she could see him everyday shows what a loving person she is . . . Our shelter is a no kill shelter , so Sad Sacks could have spent the remainder of his days there . . . She suggested I bring my husband back in again and see if we couldn 't get a different reaction out of Sad Sacks . . But once there , it was the same thing . . He was very friendly to me , but seemed afraid of John . . That bothered John , as he loves dogs , and didn 't want a dog to be afraid of him . . . I still had this tug on my heart about Sad Sacks , but at the same time , I wanted to find a dog for both of us , not just for me . . . The dog John had been interested in had been adopted by someone else . . . We walked around petting all the other dogs , but none of them grabbed our hearts . . As we were leaving , DeeDee asked if we were sure we didn 't want to consider Sad Sacks . . I 'm not sure why she was so sure we were meant for him , but she certainly did ! She suggested we wait in the shelter office and she would bring Sad Sacks in to see us . . I was all for it , but waited to see what John thought . . He agreed , so we went to the office and sat down to wait for them to bring Sad Sacks in . . . He walked in the office and immediately went over to John , put his head on his knee , looked up at him with those big brown eyes , and John melted . . He said " fine . . . you can come home with us . . " Shortly after he came to live with us , we realized he didn 't look sad anymore , and we decided we needed to rename him . . We tried a lot of names , but nothing seemed right , until we thought of " Bear " , since he looks a lot like a Michigan black bear . . . It was the one name he seemed to like and took to right off the bat , so he was officially renamed Bear . . . About a month after he was here , I decided to buy him a new collar . . I picked out a red one , since red is my favorite color . . . I still remember the day I took off his old collar and put the new one on . . He leaned against me and smiled . . He actually smiled at me . . . He looked so happy , and I instinctively knew that he knew he was staying . . . We discovered he had many fears , some we suspect , may be from someone who abused him . I have an art studio in the backyard , but Bear will not go in it . . He will also not go inside the travel trailer . . He was afraid to walk on the 4 ' wide walkway between the house and garage and also does not want to go inside the garage . . We suspect someone may have locked him in a small space and left him there . . He is also very afraid of rain and thunderstorms . . One day we had an unexpected , very heavy rainstorm in the afternoon . . John had gotten all the window air conditioners out to put in various windows , but hadn 't had enough time to put one of them in before having to leave for work in the afternoon . . I suddenly realized the air conditioner was sitting on the ground in the pouring rain , which I didn 't think was probably good for it , so I put on my rain coat and ran out to cover it up . . Bear ran out with me , between the house and garage to get to it , and stood there " helping " me cover it with plastic to protect it from the rain . . We were both soaked to the bone by time I got done and once back in the house , I grabbed a couple of towels to dry us both off . . What was amazing about this is that Bear was so afraid of not only the rain , but of walking between the garage and house , yet he ignored his fears to help me . . . That 's the kind of loyal friend he is . . . Another time , I was standing out in our screened in porch just as it was getting dark out . . Bear leaned against my leg and growled . . I couldn 't figure out what in the world he was doing , he never growled at anything , but he kept pressing against my leg making this low growling noise . . I kept looking outside and finally spotted what he saw . . A big black Michigan bear was walking down a back driveway into our yard . . When it heard Bear 's growls , it turned and went the opposite way . . . When he first came to live with us , he was checking out all the rooms . . He seemed to be reading my " I love stitchin " sign . . He must have thought , ahhh . . . that explains all the material ! A few months after he came to live with us , my oldest son came for a visit . . He ended up coming down with strep throat on his vacation , and not feeling well , he laid down on our couch to take a nap . Bear had been afraid of him up until this point , but seemed to instinctively know my son wasn 't feeling good . . . He went over to the couch and very slowly put one paw up on the couch , then another , then climbed up and laid down next to Jess , as if to take care of him . . My son is a big guy , over 6 ' tall , so Bear really had to snuggle to stay on the couch . . They 've been old friends ever since . . . I can 't imagine our lives without Bear in it these last 8 years . . He is very attached to me and tends to follow me no matter where I 'm at in the house or in the yard . . The only room I don 't let any of the animals in is my sewing room , so when I 'm in there working , Bear lays in front of the door waiting for me to come out . . The connection to John was not as instant as it was to me . . . We don 't know any thing about his history , but we suspect there was a woman who loved him and a man in a baseball cap that abused him . . For the first couple of years , he seemed afraid of John when he had a baseball cap on , or when any of our sons were here visiting wearing baseball caps , he seemed afraid of them . . It took John months of convincing Bear he would never hurt him before Bear really let down his guard . . One night I was doing some laundry when I noticed our cat flying out of the screen in porch just as Bear ran into the room growling . . There 's a sliding glass door between the porch and our house . . I hurried over to the room and flipped on the light , and to my amazement , a HUGE black bear was sitting on it 's butt looking in the screened in room . . I think it was just people watching , it didn 't seem like it was up to anything , but Bear did not like it there . . He ran to the screen , barking and growling . . The bear didn 't like that and started growling back , and boy did it have a big head , big mouth and very large teeth ! ! ! It reached up with his very long claws and ripped some of the screen . . I was standing there yelling " Bear , come here . . get inside " . . Finally Bear came to me , I grabbed him , slid the door shut and by time I looked up , the bear was walking away . . It did occur to me later that the bear may have thought I was inviting him inside since I was saying " Bear get inside " . lol . . . After that , we enclosed the bottom half of the screened in porch just to be on the safe side ! I think that is when John and Bear really bonded . . John worked 2nd shift so he wasn 't home at the time . . When I told him what had happened , he praised Bear up and down for protecting me and our home . . From that time on , the two of them became the best of friends . . . . We didn 't know for sure how old Bear was when we adopted him since he was taken to the shelter as a stray . . . Now , 8 years later , he has a white face , white paws and unfortunately , Hip Dysplasia . . . We 've been through many bouts of ear infections with him before we realized they were being caused by food allergies . We went through one all natural , organic dog food after another before discovering the raw food diet , which finally put an end to his ear infections . . It 's also been great for his hip problems , keeps his weight down and most importantly , makes him happy . . I give him a supplement of Glucosomine , Chonditrine and MSM every day , plus a dog aspirin in the morning and late afternoon . . Bear always had kind of oil fur , he shed like crazy , chewed on his paws , as I mentioned , repeated ear infections and had your typical doggie odor . . But after a few weeks on the Raw Foods Diet , all that disappeared ! Bear loved to be tucked in before his bedtime kiss goodnight . . . Despite Bear 's dislike of other dogs , he and my daughters Dachshund became instant friends about 3 years ago , which surprised all of us . . Last year , my daughter and her family found out they were going back to Germany ( my son in law is career military and this is their 3rd tour in Germany ) . . Because of situations beyond their control , they were not able to take Champie with them . . . Champie came to live with us and he and Bear became the best of friends , always together , no matter what . We brought Champie back with us after a visit to Georgia to see Ronda and family before they left for Germany . . Champie had slept in a dog crate at night for much of his life , so we left him in his dog carrier for the first night since he was in a new , unfamiliar place . . First thing in the morning , Bear went to Champies carrier wagging his tail and looking very happy . . We could almost read Bear 's mind . . It seemed like he was saying " I 've got so much to show you little guy . Let 's get started " . . . Wherever Bear is , that 's where we find Champie . . We do believe the two of them are soul mates . . We recently put down new wood flooring , which proved to be hard for Bear to maneuver at times , so we have strategically placed carpets here and there to help him get around . . . John built him a little food stand to hold his dog dish up higher so he doesn 't have to put pressure on his hips bending down to eat . . We will do anything to make his time left on earth as comfortable as possible . . . He 's been on many adventures with us . . . I often travel alone to visit with our grown kids who live in various states and Bear always goes with me , my protector and companion . . . I remember on one trip , on the way home , I was getting tired so looked for a Best Western hotel for us to stay for the night , since most of them allow pets . . I got a room with 2 full beds , and when we walked in , Bear sat between the beds looking back and forth between the two . . After a few moments of contemplation , he jumped up on one of them and settled in for the night . . Bear never gets on our beds at home , but whenever we travel with him , he seems to feel it 's his vacation too , and that means he gets to sleep on the beds . . That always makes us laugh . . No matter how many times we tell him to get off the bed , he just waits till we aren 't looking and then back on the bed he goes . . Yet he never , ever does that at home ! I 've learned a lot about life from Bear . . I realized that adoption is absolutely the best option ! Just because a dog ends up in a shelter does not mean it 's not a wonderful pet . . Animals end up in shelters for a lot of reasons , and your best friend may be waiting in your local shelter right now , waiting for you to show up and take him / her home . . . We had a preconceived idea about the color and kind of dog we wanted . . . I realize now that is so crazy ! If we had held out for the exact dog we wanted , we would have missed out on one of the most wonderful relationships of our lives . . I also realize that animals in most shelters do not need to be " pitied " , as if they are living a horrible existence . . The employees I 've met in our shelter treat these animals with love and care . . They work in shelters because they love animals , and hope these furry baby 's will all find a loving home of their own , sooner than later . . . My heart is broken this morning . I have known for a long time that Bear 's journey on earth was coming to an end . His black and brown muzzle is now pure white , and he was obviously feeling his age . . I have been trying to prepare myself for this for a couple of months now , but nothing can prepare one emotionally . Bear was acting unusual last night . . His breathing seemed labored and he seemed a bit confused . Something told me his time had come and Bear would be going home . . I 'm blessed that I had time to tell this wonderful friend goodbye , and how much I loved him and appreciate our 8 wonderful years together . . He passed away in his sleep , very peacefully . . My husband and I have had a day of tears and sharing all our wonderful memories of Bear . . We buried him next to our little garden pond in the yard where Bear always liked to lay in the sun . . When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here , that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge . There are meadows and hills for all our special friends so they can run and play together . There is plenty of food , water and sunshine , and our friends are warm and comfortable . All the animals who had been ill or old are restored to health and vigor ; those who were hurt or maimed they each miss someone very special to them who had to be left behind . They all run and play together , but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance . His bright eyes are intent ; his eager body quivers . Suddenly he begins to run from the group , flying over the green grass , his legs carrying him faster and faster . You have been spotted , and when you and your special friend finally meet , you cling to each other in joyous reunion , never to be parted again . The happy kisses rain upon your face ; your hands again caress the beloved head and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet , so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart . Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together . . . . . . . . Posted by He came to live with us 12 years ago when he was about 1 1 / 2 years old . . He was actually my daughters cat , but when my son in law was told he was being transferred to Germany ( Army ) , they knew it would be hard to take Tomi along . They asked if we could keep him until they could send for him . . That was in the summer of 2001 . . A week or so after they arrived in Germany , 9 / 11 happened . . Suddenly it didn 't seem very safe to have a cat traveling by himself on a plane . . There was talk off and on for the next couple of years about having him go over , but in the end , he stayed with us . . This was fine with us because we had fallen in love with this fluffy guy from day one . Just before Tomi had come to stay with us , we had loss our 9 year old cat named Digit . . . Diggie loved to go outside and would sometimes sneak out without our even knowing it . . One morning he did just that , and was hit by a car . . He didn 't survive , and our hearts were broken . . He was one of a kind and a joy to have in our lives . . Shortly after Tomi came to live with us , our other cat , Moose , passed away . . The vet suspected he might have been diabetic . . I 'm not so sure . . He and Digit had been together since they were 6 weeks old , and loved each other completely . . . I 've always wondered if Moose died from a broken heart . . With these two losses , Tomi became the center of our attention and filled a huge hole in our hearts . . We also had a dog named Gunner , which my husband already had when we were married . . Gunner came inside to visit during the day , but slept in his kennel at night . . This gave Tomi all our attention in the evenings , which he obviously loved . . Eventually , I talked my husband into letting Gunner stay in the house full time . . He was worried , as he was sure Gunner would attack Tomi . . For months Gunner had spent his days outside traveling the same path around our deck and past our windows that ran the length of the wall as Tomi moved from window to window inside the house torturing Gunner . . . If he wasn 't teasing Gunner , he was watching chipmunks . . Despite my husbands concerns , Gunner and Tomi became the best of friends . . Tomi took naps on the footstool while gunner napped on the floor next to him . . They spent their days and evenings hanging out in the same rooms with each and seemed to have formed a very special , sweet friendship . Sadly , gunner passed away a few years later . . He was 14 years old and had lived his life like a big ole puppy . . . He was a character , and to this day , when we talk about him , both our eyes well up with tears . We lost Gunner at one of the lowest points in our lives . . My husband 's job as a Supervisor had been eliminated one week before Christmas when the economy first started getting shaky . . 2 weeks later we lost Gunner . . . Knowing a huge factory in our area that employed over 2000 people had just announced they were moving their plant to Mexico , we knew it was going to be very hard for my husband to find another job . . A few months later , he was offered a job in Northern Michigan . . We really weren 't sure we wanted to move that far away from family , especially our grandkids , plus we had only lived in our house for a couple of years . . But we knew at that time , it might be years before jobs started opening up in our area , so with heavy hearts , he took the job . . We sold our house that we had put so much work and money in , and took a loss . . The realtor made more money than we did . . I know this is happening all over our country and I feel for everyone who has experienced this . . It sucks ! We have moved four times since Tomi 's been with us . . He adapts like a pro . . . As long as he has someplace to nap and grass to eat , he 's a happy camper . . We 've often remarked that we think he has a grass addiction , but the good kind . . Tomi was always a bit on the hefty side , weighing over 20 lbs . . . About 3 years ago , he started loosing weight , started loosing large clumps of hair , threw up a lot , was kind of grouchy and developed a lump on his throat . . We were worried beyond belief that we would loose him . . . It turned out he is hyperthyroid and his thyroid is enlarged . . The medical choices didn 't sound that great to us . . They either do surgery to remove the thyroid , which many cats do not survive through , especially older cats , or give radiation iodine treatments to kill the thyroid , which would make him radio active for a while and we 'd have to wear gloves and face masks when changing his cat box & not let our other cat use Tomi 's box , or put him on a medication for the rest of his life which would be very expensive , takes a lot of trial and error to find the right dosage and if he failed to get it on a regular basis , the symptoms would return . . Of these 3 choices , the radiation iodine treatment is supposedly the safest , although , because of the radiation , it can only be administered in specialized veterinary clinics , and the kitty patient may need to stay until they are radiation free , probably 1 - 2 weeks . I started looking into safer , more natural remedies and ended up putting him on an organic , all natural cat food made by a company here in America called Pet Guard . There cat food is actually human food grade ! We could eat it , but yuck . . who would ? lol . . I did a lot of research and found that liver is really good for ailing cats , so we picked a food that has fish , chicken and liver in it . . He loves it and has been eating it for years now . . . . I also put him on Essiac , a natural supplement that helps correct problems in the body , then eventually started him on Thyroid Sooth , an all natural product sold by Pet Alive , also an American company , that makes all natural remedies for pets . . . The Thyroid Soothe really made a big difference and he 's still using it . It 's also much less expensive than the prescription drug a vet would have given him . . . Tomi is now about 14 years old and doing really well . . . He no longer has hair coming out in chunks , he 's stopped throwing up ( other than an occasional hairball ) , he 's gained some of his weight back ( he 's actually at a healthier weight now ) and he 's back to being Mr . Lovey Dovey . . . He 's laying here next to me right now . . If I 'm on my laptop , he is usually here with me . . Tomi seems to know he has top seniority , as he lets the other furry kids in our household know on a pretty regular basis . . . Tom sleeps next to my head , or sometimes , ON my head every night . . He gives me sweet little kisses on my forehead every morning and off and on throughout the day . . I 'm so grateful there is so much information out there on the Internet and in books concerning alternative treatments for pets ( as well as humans ) . . . I would never tell anyone they shouldn 't take their pet to the vet or follow the treatment prescribed . . . What I would say is , there are alternatives , and may be worth looking into before making a decision . . All I know is , we could have lost him if we had opted for surgery or the radiation therapy 3 years ago . . Natural care has given us 3 more years of love , purrs and kisses from our big orange fur ball , and we are forever grateful for that . While doing research about hyperthyroidism in cats , I discovered that this is happening at an alarming rate in the United States . . This is something that was pretty much unheard of a few years ago . . It is believed that there is a connection to fish caught in polluted waters and hyperthyroidism . They believe the fish is contaminated and the thyroid does not know what to do with all those contaminates . I tried foods that did not contain fish for Tomi when we first went organic for him , but he did not like them . . I can 't even remember how many flavors we tried for him . . The only one he really likes is the Fish / Chicken / Liver flavor . . However , because this is an American company and their first priority is in creating healthy and safe food for pets , I do feel better about feeding him this While we are very pleased with Tomi 's results and glad we made this decision about his health , please remember , I 'm not a professional , and this is only my little ole opinion on what we decided to do after doing a lot of research on the subject . Tomi had a lot of modeling gigs back in the day when I first started my Karens Kats website . Our pets love us no matter what . They don 't care what we look like , what kind of clothes we wear , if we have bad hair days or look like crap . . They love us unconditionally . I can 't imagine a life without these furry companions . . We are blessed to have four furry children . They all have their unique little personalities and keep us entertained . . On days when it feels like the world is out to get us , there 's always purrs and licks to remind us we are loved . I grew up in a family of animal lovers . . We always had cats and dogs . . I don 't remember a moment in time when we didn 't have pets . I don 't think there 's been a moment in my adult life when I didn 't have a furry companion , either . I have to admit , I think I get along with animals better than people . . I 'm an introvert by nature , enjoy quiet over conversation and enjoy my solitude . . I know . . I sound like a hermit . . . but I just seem to get along with animals really well , at least , the animals that I 've had in my life . . I 've heard " hunters " say animals do not have a soul , so that 's why it 's ok to hunt them . . . All I can say to that is , how does a living creature love unconditionally if they don 't have a soul ? For me , I believe animals are a gift from God , and I look forward to reuniting with all the incredible furry friends I 've made in this lifetime when my journey comes to it 's end . . Posted by My name is Karen Challender and I 've been a crafter all my life . I worked in Corporate America for a little over 20 years , but left to pursue my dream of making a living creating all the things I love to do . . I opened a web based business in 2002 called Karens Kottage , which grew into Karens Kats , Karens Kreations , Karens Kandles , Karens Kids and Karens Kraft Kloset . . I never really liked my name until I realized I could use it in so many ways ! lol . . . I love what I do for a living and feel very blessed to be able to make a living working from home . View my complete profile |
After a lackluster August as far as word count went [ 1 ] , I was a little worried that I might be weakening as we enter autumn . Fortunately , there were no missed days or aborted stories , so hurray right there . One thing that has helped is that I 've started entering the writing contests over at Worth1000 . com , a site where creative people of all types can challenge themselves and each other . So far , I 'm doing well - two golds and two silvers , which is nice for a debut month . Or so I 'd like to think . Anyway , here 's how September worked out , numbers - wise : 43 , 448 words , for an average of 1 , 448 words per story - coming ever - closer to that 50 , 000 mark ! Still not as close as I came in July , though , so it 's still something to work on . The grand total so far is 167 , 631 words , which sounds ridiculous when I think about it … . It teaches persistence . That there will be writing every day and that 's just the way it is . It 's the process of training one 's muse , as Stephen King referred to it . His view is that a muse is a picky and fickle thing , one which doesn 't come just because you call it . You must convince it that you 're worthy of its attentions , and that means doing a lot of hard work . As long we we 're gleaning wisdom from our betters , I heard Louis CK talk about the most important lesson he learned from George Carlin . Now it 's about comedy , of course , but I think it can apply to any creative endeavor : Do your thing , make whatever it is you 're making , and then clear the slate and start over again . Once you 're done , you 're done . Do something new . What I 'm doing now is kind of a very short version of that , but it 's very good advice . Don 't let yourself get stuck in something , even if you think it 's really good . On the other hand , it helps reveal some really interesting ideas . When the year is up , I 'm going to have some good worlds and characters that I can play with and explore in more depth and with more seriousness . Not to get ahead of myself or anything ( perish the thought ) , but I think some of them could be very nearly publishable . If I get them right , that is . On the last day of each month , I 'll take a story from the previous month , clean it up a little , see if I can make it better than the first time it appeared , and post it up . This time I 'm taking another look at A New World from Day 76 , wherein a man comes back from some time in a mental hospital in order to deal with delusions of a fantasy world - only to realize that it was real . I didn 't make any radical changes to it , but just put in a few sentences here and there to fill in some cracks . It 's an idea I 've had in my head for a while , so I want to figure out how to do it well . Adam let the door swing open and stood on the front step , looking into his house . His sister had kept it in good shape for him while he was … away . He wasn 't sure how long he 'd been gone , though . A few months in the hospital , but the time before that was indistinct . Cloudy . He touched that space in his memory like it was a sprained ankle , a bone - deep bruise , and then left it alone . He stepped inside and took a deep breath . The air smelled dry and flat , unused . He dropped his suitcase by the door , which he then shut and locked . The lights seemed too bright , but they were still working , so his sister must have been paying for the electricity . He felt bad , what she had been through . She didn 't have a lot of reason to be so kind to him , and they both knew it . There were too many years apart , too long between just a simple phone call and a chat . But when he asked why , she said , " Because you 're my brother . What else could I do ? " The water in the kitchen sink sputtered a little when he turned it on , but it came out cold and clear . He held his hands under it , letting it fill his palms and then wash away . For a moment , he felt something else . A stream . Snowmelt from high , impassable mountains . A woman , over his shoulder who made him smile . He spun around , and there was no one there . The memory , too , clouded back over and he couldn 't quite remember what it was he had remembered . But it made him feel sad , whatever it was . There was no food in the fridge , of course . It had been switched off and was disconcertingly warm when he stuck his hand inside to turn the dial and get the cold going again . There were probably menus somewhere , someplace he could order from . Even being away as long as he had , there would always be delivery menus . He went through a drawer under the phone until he found a bunch of menus from a Chinese place , Jade Hall . The menus , classic red - on - white printing , had a great sinuous dragon flowing across the top , and he found himself staring at it , unable to move , unable to look away . A voice came to him from the depths of his battered and broken memory , and it was terrifying . It resonated like a funeral bell the size of the world and held nothing but contempt for him and everyone else in creation . Adam felt a sudden pain in his arm , like someone had set a burning iron against it . He howled and grabbed at his sleeve , nearly tearing it off as he ran back to the sink to hold his arm under water . A sob broke through his teeth as he held his burned and mangled arm - and when he looked at it , the skin was clean and undamaged . The burning feeling was gone , along with the voice . The fear settled into his stomach like a lump of iron . " No , " he said . " No , no . " He started walking around the kitchen , gripping at the sides of his head . " This is just what the doctors said would happen . " He was aware that he was talking to no one , but the silence of the house seemed worse . It seemed to be watching him , waiting to see what he would do next . " Oh , hell , damn , damn , " he said , slumping down on the kitchen floor with his hands over his eyes . Doctor Greer had recommended against Adam leaving the hospital when he did . He called Adam into his clean , wood - paneled office and sat him down , and then looked at him with that weird , avuncular smile he had . " Adam , " he said . His beard gave his voice a gentle , muffled tone that probably went a long way towards calming his patients . " Adam , we want to help you , you know that ? " " Yes , Doctor Greer , " Adam said . He sat up straight and tried to push out a bright and cheerful voice from the back of his throat where it usually wanted to sit like a frog . " I know that . But I really feel like I 'm better now . " Smile . This would be a good place for a smile . " I think I 'm going to be okay . " " And that is wonderful to hear , Adam . " Doctor Greer took up Adam 's file and looked it over , as if he hadn 't been treating the man for months . " No more intrusive fantasies ? No more of those voices ? " Adam shook his head . " No , doctor , " he said , and it was true . He had gone a long time without flashing back to that strange reality he 'd built for himself . Without thinking he had to get back . Greer said it was just an escape fantasy , that it was all brought on by stress . Work , with the cutbacks . His mother 's death . His marriage . Nothing was staying the way it was supposed to stay - stable , reliable , true . The bargain that he thought he had made with the world was breaking down , and the things that he had counted on were slipping through his fingers . And so he had retreated , the doctors said . He had gone into his mind , into another world where things made sense . Where he could be the hero and impose order on the world and make it make sense . It was a fully - realized place in his mind , far better than the world he just happened to be born into . He 'd gone crazy , in other words . Nuts . Wacko . Or , in psychological parlance , " experienced a near - total disassociative state of mental dissonance . " And , after a lot of therapy and a regular regimen of medication , Adam knew that they were right . They had to be . He 'd gone off the deep end , lost his marbles , and when they found him in that field , laughing and crying at the same time , well , how else could you explain it ? What other explanation could there possibly be ? That he had gone to another world ? That he had become some kind of fantasy hero , battling dragons and saving princesses ? It made no sense . It never had , and when he walked out of the hospital that morning , Adam was ready to face the real world , the true world . The only world that was really real . " We are agreed , " that burning , horrible voice said again , and it made Adam cover his head and scream . It opened up cracks and fissures and gaps in his mind , and it let other things flow up out from between them . A great mansion gilded and perched atop a high mountain . A woman with eyes as blue as the sky on a late autumn day and skin that was deep , almost impossible violet , and her breath smelled of honey when they kissed . Red skies and rains that burned , and great insects that flew and carried people off only to let them fall from the sky again . A blade in his hand that sang to him and called down the lightning when he needed it . " It was all a dream , " Adam said . " It wasn 't real , " and he said it again and again and again , but he knew … In his heart he knew . There was a path , and it was a path he could not see but he walked anyway and it led him to her . To the keep . To the dragon and the battle and the promise . And the field . Othioto made sure to lock the door after he let Sestl in . The room was a cluttered mess , with papers , notebooks , broadsides and drawings set up everywhere . Sestl smiled when he looked around . Or at least he seemed to smile , but with the Low People , Othioto could never be sure . He still wasn 't very good at reading their expressions . " Wow , Cantur . Writing a book ? " While he picked up papers and tried to put them into some kind of order , Sestl moved over to the window and looked down at the street below . " Huh , " he said " Would you look at that A bunch of Blues in this part of the city . For a moment , Othioto wanted to panic . He glanced in the mirror just to reassure himself that his disguise held , and it did " " a flat , grey - skinned , mottled face looked back at him . He was covered in sores and warts , cracks in the skin that opened and bled . His teeth were broken and stained , his eyes were dull and flat . He twisted the opal ring on his index finger and sighed with relief . Like the Low People he was pretending to be , he was hideous , yet he was adorned with jewels and gold and clothes of the finest fabric and cut . He wore dozens of gold hoops in his ears , pulling the lobes down nearly to his shoulders . He had a ring on every finger , and they were set with gems that sparkled in even the dimmest light . Silver thread ran through his woolen cloak and fine linen shirt , and he wore a choker of rare shells and stones . The Low People prized their finery , and for good reason . Strictly speaking , no Low Person was supposed to lay eyes on the Necoli . Centuries of tradition demanded that they avert their gaze , but it was hard not to look . They were tall and slender , with skin the blue of a radiant autumn sky . Bright and iridescent scales were scattered about their bodies and caught the sun , throwing off glimmering colors , and their hair shone like polished silver . Necoli wore no garments to cover their beauty , and they possessed no jewelry " " they never saw a need for either . They called themselves the Children of the Sky and claimed descent from the gods that oversaw their world . " Damned Blues , " Sestl growled , and Othioto started at the disgust in his voice " Think they 're so damned perfect . He turned away from the windo . " You ever actually meet one of " ˜ em , Cantur ? " I did , " Sestl said " Once One of " ˜ em came down here " " in person , no less - to buy some cookware , of all things . He chuckle . " Some woman with a whole troupe of bodyguards around he . Poor thing looked terrifie . Like she was going to turn ugly just by being outside the Walls . " What does she have to know ? " Sestl asked " Believe me , if she could 've gotten her pots and pans any other way , she would have All those Blues would be happier if we just went away , you ask me . He shrugge . " But then where would they get their pots and pans ? " I don 't know , " Othioto said He pulled a chair around and Sestl settled into it with a sigh " Maybe Maybe if the Necoli knew more about … us , they wouldn 't be so afraid to come out here . The unavoidable moment was twisting Othioto 's guts . He licked his lips . " Sestl … We 've known each other for a while , haven 't we ? " " Sure , " Sestl said " Since I saved you from getting the soul beat out of you at the summer festival . He laughe . " I still can 't believe you wandered out there without any pants on . " And I have to confess something , Cantur . " He was able to hold a serious look on his face for a few seconds before he cracked up " I nearly didn 't even step in I was just laughing too hard . He started cackling , rocking back in the chai The other man slowly regained his composure . " I 'm sorry , Cantur . It 's just … " He reached out and poked Othioto in the shoulder " It really was funny . " Yes , " Othioto said " I guess it was . He started twisting the opal ring on his finge . Sestl 's eyes flickered down to it and back u . " Sestl , there 's a reason why I did tha . And it wasn 't because I was drunk . Sestl seemed surprised by the question . Surprised enough that he took a moment to think , and answered without a hint of sarcasm . " Yeah , Cantur , " he said " Of course You know you can . " Okay . " Othioto stood up and straightened his shirt " Sestl , " he said , a little louder than he meant to , " I am not who you think I am . Sestl was looking at him with a carefully blank expressi n . " My name is not Cantur , " he s id . " It 's Othioto " Sestl , " Othioto said " This is who I am . With a swift motion , he pulled the opal ring off his finge . In a few heartbeats , his body shifted and changed , revealing his true Necoli for . It felt strange to be wearing clothes , looking like thi . He tried not to scratc " No ! No , Sestl , please ! Don 't do that ! " Othioto reached out and took Sestl by the arm " Look at me , Sestl , " he sai . He grabbed the man 's chin and turned his face towards hi . " Look at me ! It took a moment before Sestl cracked his eyes open , and then he clenched them shut again . A moment later , and he was looking again . This time , he kept his eyes on Othioto 's face . The Necoli smiled , and Sestl flinched . " My name is Othioto , " he said again " I 'm from the university in the Inner City , and I 've been living among the Low People for the last year , learning your ways . He held up the rin . " This allows me to disguise myself . " I 've been putting together a book , " Othioto said , smiling " All about the Low People and how you live It 's really fascinating , and it 'll be the first book of its kind ever published . " You … you might say something , " Othioto said after a moment He slid the ring back onto his finger and felt the familiar shift as he changed " There , " he sai . " That might be easier . " What ? " He started to reach out when Sestl wheeled around and punched him Othioto dropped to the floor , whimpering in pain His jaw throbbed and tears came to his eyes When he looked up , Sestl was standing above him , his fists clenched and his face red " You come here , " Sestl said " You come here with your fancy ring , and you think you can be one of us ? He delivered a swift kick , and Othioto doubled ove . " You think this is fun , Blue ? He kicked aga n . " Are you having fun writing your book about us ? He moved to kick again , but Othioto held up a h Sestl put his foot down and watched the disguised Necoli writhe on the floor . He crouched , his knees popping . " You have until sunset , " he whispered " Then I tell everyone . His hand flashed out and he grabbed Othioto 's han . He twisted the ring from his finger and watched as Othioto changed bac . Sestl stood up and put the ring in his pocke . Then he turned around to the doo " Wait , Sestl ! " He stopped , but didn 't turn around " Sestl , " Othioto sai . " I don 't I don 't understand . He got his hands under him and tried to get p . He dropped back to the flo They were something her grandmother had told her about when she was a child . " Eva , " she would say , usually in an accent that no one outside the family could understand . " When I was a little girl , we used to leave out milk for the fairies every night . " Grandma 's eyes would become misty , her accent would thicken , and Eva would start to wish her mother would let her go play Nintendo or something . " And we would leave a lump of bread by the front door so that they would watch over the house , and every little girl - and even your Nana was a little girl , little Eva - every little girl had to carry a lump of cheese in her pocket on her way home from school , or else the King of the Fairies might take her away to fairyland . " As a child of the nineties , Eva wanted nothing to do with her grandmother 's fairies . She wasn 't even sure the kids back in whatever country her grandmother had come from even believed in them . For all she knew , the fairies were something her grandmother had pulled out of her dusty , decrepit brain . She got home close to midnight , very nearly too drunk to get the key in the door on the first try . She muttered to herself as she fumbled around in the dark , a stream of consciousness of invective that swayed from anger to self - pity to sorrow and back again as she dropped first her purse , then her coat , then her shoes on the floor . By the time she thought it might be a good idea to turn on the light , she bumped into the sofa , tripped , and was asleep by the time she landed on the cushions . When she woke up again , her head cracking in two and threatening to spill her brains out onto the floor , there were more of those things around her . They were perched on the sofa , on the bookcases , sitting on the dining table . One of them was playing with the pepper shaker . It cracked the top off , took a deep breath , and sneezed hard enough to knock it into the next room . The things looked terrible , like her hangover come to life . They had leathery skin that was a dark blue , almost black , and uneven tufts of green hair on skulls that looked like they had been beaten into random shapes . They had noses that were either flat or bulbous or needly , and big eyes that popped out of their head so far that Eva was afraid she 'd end up having to retrieve them from under the refrigerator at some point . They were mostly covered in greenish - brown fur , though some of them seemed to be wearing adornments made out of toothpicks and bottlecaps and whatever other garbage they could pick up . They had long , slender fingers , large , flat feet , and smelled like a basement . " Hi , " the thing said again , and it resumed knocking . Each knock made Eva flinch and groan . Finally she turned over , and the little creature scampered to avoid falling on the floor . She levered herself up on her elbows and squinted around the room at the creatures that were diligently investigating everything about her living room . Another one of them looked at her , waved , and said , " Hi . " The one that had been sitting on her shook its head . " No ! " it said . " We can say lots of things . " It turned to its companions . " One , two , three , four ! " They scattered as Eva swept her arm across the back of the sofa , sending them all to the floor . " No ! " she said , wrestling herself off of the sofa . " No , uh - uh , no . No . " She spun and pointed at one of them . " No . " Eva hoped that going into the kitchen would make them go away , but they just followed in a tumbling , catastrophic mob . She reached for a mug , and a pair of little blue hands handed one to her . Another came over , struggling under the weight of a can of instant coffee , and a muffled yelling from inside the refrigerator revealed one of the things standing in the doorway with its cheeks bulging . A moment later , it spat out a stream of milk . " Black ? " it asked . The ones that had been arguing hopped up on the counter , still not sure if she had said no , or even if it was possible that she had . Eva ground her teeth while she waited for the water to boil , which didn 't help her hangover any . Finally , she gripped the edge of the counter and leaned on it , her eyes closed . " What , " she said quietly , " can 't I say no about ? " The little creatures silenced immediately , and all of them looked at her . The one who had done most of the talking so far - the one who woke her up - seemed at a loss for words . It looked around , and the other one - the one who had been arguing from behind the London bear - elbowed it in the ribs . It glared and rubbed its side , but then looked up at Eva . " You 're going to take care of us , " it said . " You have to . " Eva stared at it long enough for the water to boil . Then she turned away , poured the water into her cup , and turned off the stove . She stirred her coffee , tapped the spoon off on the side of the mug and tossed it into the sink . She took a careful sip and closed her eyes in psychosomatic relief as the taste and smell of coffee told her that there , in that moment , everything would be okay . Othioto never could get used to bowing to his own kind . He lowered his head like everyone else around him as the tall , graceful Necoli strode through the street . Strictly speaking , the Low People weren 't supposed to even look at the Necoli when they passed . To do so would be enough of an offense that a summary execution on the spot would be perfectly permissible . It really wasn 't necessary for him to look , though . He knew what the Necoli looked like - he was one , after all . Tall and slender , with skin the blue of a radiant autumn sky . Bright and iridescent scales were scattered about their bodies and caught the sun , throwing off glimmering colors , and their hair shone like polished silver . Necoli wore no garments to cover their beauty , and they possessed no jewelry - they never saw a need for either . They called themselves the Children of the Sky and claimed descent from the gods that oversaw their world . Othioto looked down at his own hand - the hand not truly his own . It was the dirty gray of the Low People , the people of no name . The skin was rough and seeped blood where the joints cracked the skin . His nails dug into the dirt in the street and they broke and splintered and stank . The only thing that mitigated their hideousness was the rings . All Low People wore them . They bedecked themselves with jewelry - rings , earrings , necklaces , whatever could be made or bought or stolen . The rings on Othioto 's gnarled hands had been gifts from the friends he had made while living among the Low People . All but one . He wore a simple silver band on his first left finger . The band was set with a shining blue opal that shimmered in the sunlight . With that ring , his form changed . With that ring , he became one of the Low People , the dispossessed and the despised . He had spent hours locked in his rooms at the university , taking it off and putting it on again , shuddering at the feeling of metal on his finger . Soon , he began walking among the Low People as one of them . Dressing in clothes was a perverse thrill at first , one which quickly wore off the more he realized how important they were . The Low People judged him harshly and quickly , and it took many visits before he managed to understand how to judge them back . Once he did , he found friends in places he never knew existed . " Oy . Cantur . " Othioto glanced up , hearing the name he 'd taken for himself . The Necoli had passed while he was in thought , and everyone was about their business again . The man behind him was every bit as ugly as he appeared to be - broken teeth , an eye that was scabbing over from an infection he 'd fought off months ago , great open sores on his arms and hands . But he wore dozens of thin gold hoops in his ears , pulling the lobes down nearly to his shoulders . He had a ring on every finger , and every ring was set with a gem that sparkled in even the dimmest light . He had silver thread running through his woolen cloak and fine linen shirt , and a choker of rare shells and stones . " Ah . Hello , Sestl , " Othioto said . He couldn 't help flinching as he took the man 's hand . " Glad you didn 't get too held up . " Sestl shrugged . " You know how it is when the Blues come by . You nod , you bow , you move on . I see you got your knees dirty . " He grinned and Othioto blushed . His own clothes were nowhere near as nice as Sestl 's , but it was still embarrassing to have that pointed out . " Hey . " Sestl dug into his pocket and fished out a wide brass ring . " Lookit this , Cantur . Got it from that shop down by the tannery . " He held out the ring and Othioto took it . " I reckon I can get it engraved , maybe an inlay ? What do you think ? " " You sound like a Blue , Cantur , " Sestl said , clapping him on the shoulder . Othioto 's stomach clenched . " You want I should just prance around in my simple skin too , like one ' a them ? " The thought was horrifying . " Gods , no , Sestl , " Othioto said with a laugh . " None of us need to see that . " The other man laughed with him and took him by the arm . They started to work their way through the shopping - hour crowd . " So , Cantur , " Sestl said . " Why 'd you want to see me ? Going off on another one of your trading junkets ? " That was the excuse Othioto used to explain his trips home . He needed to consolidate his notes , write down his thoughts , and make sure his research was sound . Being a wide traveler also helped paper over any unusual behavior , too . " No , " Othioto said . " Something a little different than that . " He led Sestl to the room he 'd been renting , refusing to say anything more . The room was small but comfortable , lined with books and notes . He had drawings stuck to the walls , pages and pages of handwritten text on every surface . Sestl whistled when he saw it all . " Wow , " he said . " Looks like someone 's been busy . " He turned to Othioto . " Writing a book , Cantur ? " Othioto felt the blood rush from his face . He hadn 't expected Sestl to catch on this quickly , even without having read anything . He swallowed , hard . " Sestl , please . Sit down . " He pulled a chair over , and Sestl sat , keeping a wary eye on him . " I don 't know , " Othioto said . " Maybe . " He took the other chair and sat across from Sestl . " We 've known each other for a while , haven 't we ? " " Sure , " Sestl said . " Since I saved you from getting the soul beat out of you at the summer festival . " He laughed . " I still can 't believe you wandered out there without any pants on . " " And I have to confess something , Cantur . " He was able to hold a serious look on his face for a few seconds before he cracked up . " I nearly didn 't even step in . I was just laughing too hard . " He started cackling , rocking back in the chair . The other man slowly regained his composure . " I 'm sorry , Cantur . It 's just … " He reached out and poked Othioto in the shoulder . " It really was funny . " " Yes , " Othioto said . " I guess it was . " He started twisting the opal ring on his finger . Sestl 's eyes flickered down to it and back up . " Sestl , there 's a reason why I did that . And it wasn 't because I was drunk . " He took a deep breath and looked Sestl in the eyes . " Can I trust you ? " he asked . Sestl seemed surprised by the question . Surprised enough that he took a moment to think , and answered without a hint of sarcasm . " Yeah , Cantur , " he said . " Of course . You know you can . " " Okay . " Othioto stood up and straightened his shirt . " Sestl , " he said , a little louder than he meant to , " I am not who you think I am . " Sestl was looking at him with a carefully blank expression . " My name is not Cantur , " he said . " It 's Othioto . " " Sestl , " Othioto said . " This is who I am . " With a swift motion , he pulled the opal ring off his finger . In a few heartbeats , his body shifted and changed , revealing his true Necoli form . " No ! No , Sestl , don 't do that ! " Othioto reached down and picked Sestl up by the arm . " Look at me , Sestl , " he said . He grabbed the man 's chin and turned his face towards him . " Look at me ! " It took a moment before Sestl cracked his eyes open , and then he clenched them shut again . A moment later , and he was looking again . This time , he kept his eyes on Othioto 's face . The Necoli smiled , and Sestl flinched . " My name is Othioto , " he said . " I 'm from the university in the Inner City , and I 've been living among the Low People for the last year . " He held up the ring . " This allows me to disguise myself . " " I 've been putting together a book , " Othioto said . " All about the Low People and how you live . It 'll be the first book of its kind ever published . " Sestl just stared at him . " You … you might say something , " Othioto said after a moment . He slid the ring back onto his finger and felt the familiar shift as he changed . " There , " he said . " That might be easier . " " What ? " He started to reach for his friend when Sestl wheeled around and punched him . Othioto dropped to the floor , whimpering in pain . His jaw throbbed and tears came to his eyes . When he looked up , Sestl was standing above him , his fists clenched and his face red . " You come here , " Sestl said . " You come here with your fancy ring , and you think you can be one of us ? " He delivered a swift kick , and Othioto doubled over . " You think this is fun , Blue ? " He kicked again . " Are you having fun writing your book about us ? " He moved to kick again , but Othioto held up a hand . Sestl put his foot down and watched the disguised Necoli writhe on the floor . He crouched , his knees popping . " You have until sunset , " he whispered . " Then I tell everyone . " His hand flashed out and he grabbed Othioto 's hand . He twisted the ring from his finger and watched as Othioto changed back . Sestl stood up and put the ring in his pocket . Then he turned around to the door . " Wait , Sestl ! " The man stopped , but didn 't turn around . " Sestl , " Othioto said . " I don 't … I don 't understand . " He got his hands under him and tried to get up . Tasha Brookhaven strained against the ropes that held her to the chair . She knew there was no way she could get free - the ropes were too thick , the knots too tight . And even if she did escape , there was no way her sister would let her leave the mountain cabin . Not even in the middle of a howling blizzard . The gun that Evangeline was holding would make sure of that . " You didn 't even think to check if I was alive , did you ? " Evangeline strode back and forth in front of the fireplace . " You didn 't take one moment to run back for your dear sister ? " She whirled around , pointing the gun at Tasha 's head . " Eva , how could I have known ? " Tears welled up in her eyes and spilled down her cheeks . " The explosion ! Nobody could have survived that ! " Evangeline laughed . " Nobody but I , you mean ! " She knelt down in front of her sister , her green eyes blazing in the firelight . " I dragged myself , Tasha . I dragged myself out of that fiery death - trap by my fingernails . And then it was three days - three - before I was found by a local hunter , who was out just trying to feed his family . " Her expression softened , but her gun hand didn 't waver . " He took care of me , Tasha . He wrapped my wounds and nursed me back to health . Luther took me in , treated me as one of his family . " She stood up . " He and his wife were far better to me than you ever were , Tasha . Had it not been for them … " Evangeline chuckled darkly and pulled back the slide on the gun . " You would have gotten your wish . " " I don 't understand , Eva ! " Tasha was weeping now , slumped over as far as the ropes would let her go . " I never wanted you dead ! Never , I swear it ! " " The insurance policy that my husband took out on me before we went on our anniversary trip ? " She walked around behind Tasha . " The one worth a hundred million dollars in the event of my death ? " She poked the back of Tasha 's head with the gun barrel and her sister cried out . " You were going to split it , weren 't you ? You and he - you were always planning to destroy me . " Tasha shook her head again . " Evangeline , you 're - you 're not well . Okay ? I don 't know what all this is about . I never knew about any insurance . I never had anything with your husband , you know that ! " " No , no , no , dear sister . " Evangeline stood in front of her , the gun once again pointed at Tasha 's head . In the flickering firelight , Evangeline was beautiful . " How unfortunate for you that Parker had his little … skiing accident before you and he could blow me to pieces . " Her face spread into a mad grin . " Now that I 'm back , I have everything that he had and more . And by the time anyone thinks to look for you ? " She ground her teeth . " It 'll be far too late . " The two women looked over . Through her tears , Tasha could just about make out who it was . A tall , well - built man , dressed in leather and fur . He had a graying beard that covered a strong chin , and his ice - blue eyes blazed in a suntanned face . Evangeline stood , stunned , and the gun fell from her grip . " Parker ! " she whispered . " Impossible ! " " Impossible , Evangeline ? " His voice boomed , filling the room . He strode in , closing the door behind him and started removing his home - made jacket and gloves . " You of all people should know better than to tell me what 's impossible . " " But … But I saw you ! " Her fingers twitched , as though she was only just noticing that she no longer had the gun . Tasha stared at it , close to her chair . It might as well have been on the moon . " I saw you fall into that ravine , Parker ! " Evangeline said . " You saw me fall , Evey ? Are you sure ? " He dropped the coat on the floor and pulled off his shirt . In the light of the fire , his well - muscled torso seemed to shine . Tasha couldn 't remember very well , but she had been pretty sure Evangeline 's husband had never been that well - built . He glanced over at her and smiled . " Months of living in the wild . It does wonders . " He turned back to Evangeline . " If you had taken the time to look at the body , you would have noticed something missing , Evey . " He turned around , revealing the great eagle tattoo on his back . The one he had gotten before they married . Parker grabbed her wrist and hauled her to her feet . " Oh , it 's possible , Evey . So very possible . " He pulled her close . " It wasn 't me that you killed , dear wife . It was my identical twin brother ! " Evangeline shook her head and rested it against his chest . " He and his brother were separated at birth , " she said . " Parker never liked to talk about it . It was too painful . " " Oh , " Tasha said . " Still , that 's an awfully big coincidence . His estranged twin ? Showing up just in time for you to kill him . " Her eyes went wide . " Oh my god , you killed him , Evangeline ! " " No , it 's not okay , Parker ! " Tasha struggled against the ropes again . " She wanted to kill you , she really did kill your brother , and she nearly killed me ! She 's nuts ! " " I mean , I know she 's my sister and everything , but this ? Bringing me up here to a mountain cabin in the middle of a snowstorm ? Blaming me for her nearly getting killed ? " She laughed , and a sob escaped with it . " I 'm sorry , but that 's just insane ! " " Tasha . No . " Parker held up a hand to stop her , and she stopped . Then , with careful deliberation , he grabbed the sides of Evangeline 's head and gave it a sharp twist . There was a loud popping sound , and Tasha screamed . Parker twisted Evangeline 's head again in the opposite direction and it came off her neck . Her body dropped to the ground , and Tasha couldn 't look away as she screamed . The horror of the night overwhelmed her , and she started to cry , doubling over with great sobs . Despite everything , despite everything she 'd said and everything that had happened , she couldn 't bear to see Evangeline on the floor like that . She wanted to get out of that chair , to cradle her sister 's body in her arms , to … She brought her breath under control and blinked a few times to clear her vision . Her sister 's headless body was lying on the floor , but there was no blood . Instead , there was the sharp smell of ozone and … Were those wires ? " That 's right , " Parker rumbled . " Evangeline didn 't survive that explosion . " He held up her unblinking head and stared at it . " Not entirely , anyway . I was able to save her brain . " He nestled the head in the crook of his arm and pulled a chair over to talk to Tasha . " Thanks to my skill as a surgeon and cyberneticist , I was able to save it in this robot body . " He stroked the hair again , and his face sagged into a mask of despair . " But perhaps it was all too much for her . " " This … " Tasha 's voice came out as a hoarse whisper . " This isn 't happening . " She refused to look at the thing that had been her sister . " This cannot be happening . " " I promise you , it is , " Parker said . He placed the head gently on the floor by the body and stood up again . " And as incredible as all this is , Tasha , I hope you understand what I have to do next . " She looked up at him and craned her neck as she tried to follow him . " What ? " she asked . " Parker , please , don 't ! " " I 'm sorry , " he said . " I truly am . " She couldn 't see him anymore , but he was close behind her . " I can 't have you remembering this , Tasha . None of it . " He leaned down and whispered in her ear . " I truly am sorry . " When the rescue team got to the cabin , they found the woman lying in the only bed . She had clearly suffered some kind of head trauma , but they had to move her - the helicopter couldn 't get through the dense woods to bring her to the hospital . Carefully , they braced her neck and transferred her to a carry - board , which they used to take her down the mountain . Later , in the hospital , she would be in a coma for six months , her stay paid for by an anonymous benefactor . When she woke up , the doctors were amazed . Someone with brain damage like that should have either stayed in a coma for the rest of her life , or come back a vegetable . This woman was neither , but she didn 't remember anything about her life . When asked , she could not remember her name , where she was from , or why she had been in the cabin . The woman nodded . " An eagle . " She looked up at him , and the doctor recoiled from the anger in her eyes . " An eagle , " she said again . As my cast list grows , every now and then I 'll randomly choose two or three characters and see what happens when I put them together . Insofar as there is a canon to any of these stories , these are not canon . Or maybe they are . We 'll see . This time around we have an interesting pairing - Peter Wach from Day 46 , The Big Day , and Taylor Patraglia from Day 43 , Investigations . Just for fun , let 's add a third : the unseen Speyeder from Day 80 , One More Door . Plus a special surprise guest who kinda walked into the story on his own . " Mister Wach , why don 't you just calm down . " Taylor Patraglia quietly locked the door to his office and turned back to the man pacing back and forth in front of the desk . The man was thin and looked like he hadn 't slept in days . His hollow eyes were shining and darting around the room , from the door to the window to Taylor and back again . He hadn 't stopped moving since he came , and he 'd barely stopped talking either . His fingers twitched like he was flicking a cigarette . " Hold on , mister Wach . " Taylor held up his hands and glanced at his watch . It was three - fifteen . All he had to do was wait another seven minutes and this problem might be out of his hands . " You do understand why I find all this a little difficult to believe . " Taylor circled back around to his desk and picked up the file folder he 'd put there . " I can try , " he said . He flipped open the file and scanned his scratchy handwriting . The notes he had taken on the phone the day before were disorganized , but disorganized in a very specific way . " You were drugged and … tortured ? By none other than Ulysses Grodin himself . " He glanced up . " You do realize what you 're alleging here , right ? That one of the most powerful men in this city - hell , the country - held you in some secret prison and shoved bamboo under your fingernails ? " " My mistake . " Taylor took a pen from his pocket and pretended to write something . " Tasers . And then after that they let you go , but not before … ' Pulling your life out by the roots . ' In your words . " He snapped the file closed and looked up again . For a moment , he was worried that Wach would do something violent . The man had finally stopped moving and was gripping the back of the chair with his knuckles white . " They took my home , " he said . " My bank account is locked . My driver 's license . " He barked out a laugh again . " Hell , they sent my wife doctored - up pictures of me and some teenager . " He wiped his eyes . " A boy , even . " He took a deep breath and stood up straight , not letting his eyes meet Taylor 's . " I have nothing left to me now . I 'm staying with a friend . All I have is some cash I 'd socked away . " He shook his head . " No one will hire me or even give me an interview . " He walked around and slumped down into the chair . " All because of that damned chip . " He dropped his head into his hands and took deep breaths . " It 's memory . " Wach 's voice was muffled by his hands . " It can store a ridiculous amount of data . " He looked up , his eyes shining . " When it gets into production , it 'll be a bigger advance in computing than the integrated circuit . " He sat back , and his body seemed to have deflated . All the nervous energy was gone , replaced with resignation . " I designed it , figured out how to make it work , and then they said I stole it . After that … That 's when they took my life from me . " " Okay , " Taylor said . He sat on the edge of his desk and tried to look casually friendly , something he 'd never been very good at . The man sitting in front of him was either embroiled in a massive conspiracy or completely insane . Either way , Taylor figured that the chances of getting paid were slim . " I 've got your side of the story . My question to you is this : what do you think I can do for you ? " Peter Wach looked genuinely puzzled by the question . " Do ? " he asked . " Isn 't this what you do ? " He gestured around the office , and Taylor followed his glance . He had been told , over and over again , about the need to make the office more comfortable , both for himself and his customers , but that took money . Like so many other private investigators , money wasn 't something he had in abundance . But for now it was good enough . It had a desk , it had chairs and a view of a part of the city that was just a good twenty minute subway ride away from downtown . He 'd even bought a plastic plant to put in the corner . Taylor shrugged and checked his watch again . " Yeah , but most of my work is tracking down husbands and runaways , mister Wach . Not digging into the internal workings of one of the biggest companies on the planet . " There was a moment of leaden silence . " Then I guess I 've wasted my time , " Wach said . He stood up , and at that moment the telephone rang . The voice on the other end sounded distorted and strange . It would be hard to say whether it was male or female . Taylor wouldn 't have been comfortable betting that it was actually human . " I 've found it , " the voice said . " Speyeder , I really don 't have a lot of time here . " He glanced up . Wach was watching him closely . " So why don 't you play nice and share . " " Fine , " Speyeder said . " Be that way . The prototype is stored in a secure locker at Munin Scientific headquarters , and if that thing is even half as amazing as the files look , then it 's worth its weight in gold that 's been dipped in diamonds and wrapped in the skin of baby dinosaurs . " The voice chuckled . " The emails I picked up suggest it 's in the basement vaults , which are protected by the best security Cerbecorp could provide . " It paused , and Taylor could hear the hissing of static in the background . " Unless you have a commando team in your back pocket , you 're not getting in there . " " Thanks . " The static cut off and Taylor hung up the phone . He stared at it for a moment and then looked back at Wach . " You want the good news or the bad news first ? " " All right . " Taylor nodded . " The prototype you were talking about ? It seems that it 's real , and it 's still at Munin . " Wach stood up . " See ? I told you ! I told you I was telling the truth ! " He took a few steps , running his hands through thinning hair . " Oh , thank god , " he said . " Thank god I 'm not crazy … " " There is still bad news , mister Wach , " Taylor said . Wach stopped and turned around . Taylor looked at the notes he 'd written . " Do you know of a vault in the basement level of the building ? " Wach sagged where he stood and nodded . " Then you know how hard it 'll be to get at it . " Wach pulled the chair to him and sat down with a thud . " Then there 's nothing you can do about it , " he said . " God himself couldn 't get into those vaults . " Taylor walked over and patted the man on the shoulder . " There now , " he said . " That 's what they said about sinking the Titanic . " He took his cell phone out of his pocket and flipped it open . " It may not be easy , " he said . " But I think I know who can do it . " He selected a phone number and listened to it ring . When a tone sounded , he entered ten digits , waited , and then entered five more . A voice - definitely electronic this time - told him to enter his passphrase . Slowly and carefully , he recited , " Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager imagining managing an imaginary menagerie . " He looked over at Wach , whose eyebrows went up . Taylor shrugged and returned his concentration to the phone . There was a series of beeps . Then a voice , real and human . Taylor smiled and gave a thumbs - up to Peter Wach . " Hello , mister McBane , " he said . " This is Taylor Patraglia . I have an adventure for you . " |
I will be using this page to provide sneak peeks of the upcoming releases of The Gemstone Chronicles series . Today , I am adding the first two chapters of The Gemstone Chronicles Book Two : The Amethyst for everyone to preview and enjoy . I expect to release The Amethyst in December 2012 . Please feel free to leave comments about your impressions of The Amethyst and don 't forget to check out The Gemstone Chronicles Book One : The Carnelian . The newsreader 's voice went silent as Nana used the remote to change the channel on the television . She stopped at another news channel and the anchor was reporting a multiple shooting in New York . She tried another channel and the news there , though of a local Atlanta variety , was just as depressing . With nothing but bad news , she turned the television off , looked over at her husband Beebop , and sighed . " I have to believe what the kelpie said was true . It had no reason to lie to me and , since we had its bridle , it was bound to me . Still , that whole episode seems a really bad dream . Left to their own devices , I think that humans are basically good , but they can also be cold , cruel , and heartless when given sufficient motivation . Where that motivation comes from is anybody 's guess . Is the influence from the Drow , greed , despair , or just from human nature ? That is the million - dollar question . " Findecano was the elf that had been trapped in a chiastolite fairy cross stone . Nana and Beebop 's grandchildren , Aidan and Maggie , had freed him from his prison - against their grandparents ' wishes . Findecano 's quest was to recover the stolen Elven Bow gemstones . Beebop had retrieved the first of those stones - a beautifully smooth , oval cabochon carnelian . Findecano had left them back in the human world and continued on his quest searching for the next missing stone - the Amethyst . " I don 't know , but I wouldn 't underestimate him . He is very driven to recover the gems stolen from the Light Elves . I believe he thinks the theft is his fault , since it was on his watch that they were stolen . " " Do you miss them as much as I do ? " Nana asked . Beebop nodded and she continued , " Their last day of school is next Friday . If I know Aidan , he will be expecting us to be there to pick him up on that Friday and bring him back here with his sister in tow . " " Have you talked to Laura about how they are going to spend the summer ? " Beebop knew that every summer for the last fourteen years , Aidan had come to stay with them for almost the entire vacation period . It had been a little tough when he was younger and they had to work , but a summer camp with swimming lessons had helped a lot . Not only did he have a healthy activity to do , but also had learned to swim and how to make friends in new places . Maggie had not gone to the camp when she got old enough , so she had not learned to swim as well as Aidan . Now that Nana and Beebop were semi - retired , perhaps they could get her into swimming lessons this summer . However , Aidan was almost fourteen and Maggie was ten , so they knew that at some point the grandchildren were not going to want to spend summer vacation with their grandparents . Nana and Beebop hoped to milk it as long as they could , though . Beebop smiled in anticipation of the children 's visit . They had always been close , but had grown even closer since their visit to Celahir . Something about facing danger together tended to do that . Beebop still had fond memories of his time in the Navy aboard the submarine . He knew that you make friends that have a very special bond when you face dangers together . During their first visit to Celahir , they all faced death on a number of occasions , and those experiences had really forged that strong bond between them . " I am going to the workshop to work on your china cabinet as soon as I clean up the kitchen . What do you have planned for today ? " Beebop asked , changing the subject . " I was hoping to do some antique shopping this afternoon . I heard that a new store has opened near here and I want to go check it out . Would you like to go with me ? " she asked . About the time that Nana and Beebop were eating breakfast , Aidan and Maggie were waking up from sleeping late . It was their custom since it was Saturday and they did not have school . Or , more accurately , Aidan was sleeping late . Maggie had been awake for a while , and , when Aidan finally opened his eyes , he saw his blonde sister sitting patiently at the foot of his bed . Maggie answered back just as irritably . " You did sleep late . It is almost nine o ' clock . Besides , I had the dream again , so I slept at the foot of your bed . I don 't know what the dream means except that Findecano and the other elves need our help and I don 't know how to help them . I wish summer vacation would get here so we could go to Nana and Beebop 's . They will know what to do . " " Mom hasn 't said whether we could go for the summer or not . She and Dad may not let us go right away . They want to go camping , " Aidan said , irritation still in his voice . " They have to let us go . I will go crazy if I keep having this dream and if I try to tell Mom and Dad , they will think I have lost my mind or that I am making it up . I can tell Nana and Beebop about it , " Maggie complained . " You should tell Mom and Dad . We should tell them everything that happened , " Aidan said quietly . " I know that they will think we made the whole thing up or that we have gone insane , but I still think we should tell them . " Aidan grunted , stifled a yawn , got out of bed , stretched , and rubbed the sleep from his eyes . He trundled off to the bathroom to wash his face and brush his hair . Maggie got off the foot of the bed , sighed and wished the dream would just stop . The dream always started the same way . She was walking in Celahir with Aidan , Nana , and Beebop . She could see , in a foggy kind of way , Findecano , Alatariel , Luthien , and Lotheth , their elven friends from Celahir . They were in a forest , and she could hear birds chirping and see the sun shining . Her family was laughing and joking as they walked and she could see the elves turn to look at them and laugh , too . Then , suddenly , the sky turned dark , lightning flashed , and rained poured from the sky . They dashed into the trees and took shelter under a huge chestnut tree . Chestnut trees are supposed to provide protection during storms , which is why they took shelter there . She could see her family standing under the tree laughing , rain dripping from their hair . She could see the elves , too , but instead of them laughing , they had looks of terror on their faces as they were swept up in a dark cloud and disappeared into the blackness of the storm . She always woke up right after that , never knowing what had happened to her friends . She did not think that the dream was what really happened , but it told her that her friends were in great danger in Celahir . Maggie knew that she was probably receiving these dreams because she had learned some telepathic abilities using her quartz crystal the last time they were in Celahir . She wore the quartz on a silver chain around her neck during the day and left it on the nightstand by her bed at night , so the stone was always near . She knew she should probably get rid of it , but the idea of not being able to see what might be happening to her friends made her keep it . The thing she did not know was whose thoughts she was receiving and that scared her . Maggie also knew that if Findecano and the others were not able to recover all of the gemstones stolen from the Elven Bow , then the Drow would win and darkness would reign over Celahir and , perhaps , the human world , too . She wanted to tell someone besides Aidan , but her parents would not understand and she never had a chance to talk to Nana and " Let 's go get some breakfast . I 'm hungry . " Beebop worked on the china cabinet he was building for Nana . It was almost complete , but he still had to build and install the cornice for the hutch . He set up his table saw and miter box and began to cut the crown molding that would finish off the piece . Once he had cut the pieces to length and mitered the corners , he attached them to the top of the hutch . He drove in the last finishing nail and stood back to admire his handiwork . After he showered , he shaved , leaving his white beard neatly trimmed . He had grown the beard during their first trip to Celahir . While there , his beard had gotten somewhat long and he thought it had made him look like some kind of deranged prophet . Nana had teasingly called him Whitebeard the Pirate while in Celahir . Once he trimmed it , though , he decided that he liked the look and he decided to keep it . Nana liked it , too , so that made it all the better . He dressed in jeans and a polo shirt and put on his walking shoes . He gathered his wallet and keys and was just about to close his closet door when he remembered his jeweler 's loupe was in his valet , so he put it in his pocket . Since he and Nana were going antiquing , he might be able to use it to find a treasure . He smiled to himself and headed downstairs to find his real treasure . He found Nana sitting at the computer in the home office , putting the finishing touches on her latest blog post . She had made shrimp creole the previous night , photographed the dish beautifully , and posted it to her very popular web site . Of course , the best part was that he got to eat it ! She got up from the chair , grabbed her purse , and kissed him lightly . " I can 't decide whether to have it distressed black or a creamy white . I think it will help if we go antiquing . I might get some inspiration . Let 's go find some treasures . " Aidan and Maggie hung around the living room watching television after breakfast . Their dad had prepared some pancakes and sausages - one of their very favorite breakfasts - and they ate until they felt like they were going to pop . Since it was Saturday , they did not have to get dressed right away , so they watched a little Spongebob , but they just were not that interested in the adventures of the cartoon characters . " What is wrong with you two ? " Laura asked . " I have noticed that for the past few days , neither of you is as excited as I would think you would be with school about to be out for the summer . Are you sick or something ? " " Nothing is wrong with us , Mom . We are just tired and ready for school to be out so we can go to Nana and Beebop 's . We are ready to have some summer time fun ! Do we get to go ? " " Have you asked Nana and Beebop if it is OK with them for you to come ? " Laura asked them . " Besides , Dad and I were planning on going camping for a week starting the Friday that school is out . You would rather go to Nana and Beebop 's instead of going camping with us ? " she asked teasingly . " You know we love to go camping , but we also like to go to their house , " Maggie said . " You know that they will always be ready for us to visit them . Since they got their new house , they have really cool things for us to do there , and Beebop promised to let me ride the four - wheeler by myself this summer ! " " We can go camping later in the summer , but we haven 't seen Nana and Beebop since spring break and we miss them . Besides , I just learned to water ski during spring break , so I need to go back and get better at it . And , I want to ride the four - wheeler , too ! " Aidan added enthusiastically . Mom caved and said , " OK ! OK ! We will ask them tonight if it is all right for you to go as soon as school is out . You are right about their house , though . It is really cool ! " Nana and Beebop got in Beebop 's red Corvette convertible , top down , and headed out to their favorite antique store . After browsing for a while , Nana found an old china platter and a large piece of old barn wood . Nana knew that she could use them for props for her food photography . Purchases made and miraculously tucked away in the cramped car , Nana suggested that they ride to another antique store that had recently opened in an old mill and housed collections from many different vendors . Beebop agreed and they drove a short distance to the store . As they wandered through the store , they discovered a new booth that was being set up . The vendor was arranged items on shelves against the back wall of the booth , but turned to talk to them as they stopped in front of the booth . " Good afternoon ! Welcome to my booth . I am sorry for the mess , but I am just moving in today . Please browse around and see if something speaks to you . " The vendor 's choice of words startled Nana , since that was how she and Beebop referred to treasures they found during their antique hunts , and she looked closely at the woman who was speaking . The woman appeared to be in her late sixties , with gray hair fashioned into a bun , and old - fashioned horn - rimmed glasses dangling from a gold chain around her neck . Her face was very pretty and virtually unlined , though , so she looked at least ten years younger than she was , and she was very slim and had a musical sort of voice . The woman calmly returned Nana 's stare for a few moments and then gestured at her stock . " We are looking for old china , bowls , cooking utensils , and things like that mostly . Lana uses them as props for her food blog photography . I am also on the lookout for unusual jewelry or rough natural gemstones . Of course , we are interested in pretty much anything that catches our eye . " " I am so sorry I was staring at you . It 's just that your skin looks so wonderful and without any lines . How do you keep your skin looking so young ? " " I guess I just have good genes . But , thanks for the compliment . Now as for the things you are looking for , I am afraid I don 't have any china or cooking utensils . I deal mostly with small pieces of art , pottery , and furniture . However , I did receive a very unusual piece of jewelry last week . I have another store in Dawsonville , Georgia , and last week an older gentleman came into that store and showed me a necklace made from tektite , which I had never heard of before . He told me what it was and that it was from a meteorite strewnfield here in Georgia . We haggled over it for a little while , but eventually he sold it to me . " She held up a silver chain with a lump of greenish stone hanging from it . " Yes , it is . My parents were born here in the U . S . , but my grandparents were from Norway . Norway is the home of the elves , you know . The legendary home of the elves is a place called Alfheim - literally " Elf Home . " The magic of the elves is very strong in Norway and many say that elven blood runs through all true Norwegians . The legends say that the elves are immortal , so perhaps that is where I get my good skin . It is also the inspiration for the name of my little store here . I call it Elven Magic . " He put away his loupe and asked Tari , " How much do you want for this ? I think it is fascinating to hold a piece of a meteorite , something that came from another world , so I want to take it home with us . Besides , " he said looking at Nana , " it will make a great addition to your jewelry collection . " Beebop and Tari haggled over the price for a bit , until both were finally satisfied . Beebop pulled some cash from his pocket and paid Tari and she wrapped the necklace in tissue and put it in a small bag . She thanked them for their business and was about to tell them goodbye when she stopped and looked at them as if weighing a decision . After a moment , Tari said , " You know , the funny thing about that stone is that the man who sold it to me said that I wouldn 't hold on to it for very long . He said that the people destined to own it would be along to claim it very soon . Then he said the strangest thing . He told me that the two people meant to own the stone would be here at this store today to buy it . I had actually not planned to open the store until Monday , but after what he said , I was curious enough to move up my opening by a couple of days . It is really amazing that his prediction seems to be coming true . " Once they were on the road , he looked over at this wife and asked , " Well , that was a little bit strange . What is going on ? Could it really have been Keeper ? And , if it was , why did he send us a stone ? Especially that stone ? " " I hope you are asking those questions rhetorically . I have no idea what is going on . Did you notice that Tari said she was of Norwegian descent ? " Beebop shook his head and she continued , " I thought it was odd that she would mention that fact and then add that Norway was the legendary ancestral home of the elves . She also calls her store Elven Magic . It can 't be coincidence that she obtained the stone from Mr . Keeper . Keeper must have known of her heritage and used her to get the stone to us . " " But , how could he have known about Tari ? Keeper may know many things , but I can 't imagine that he would know of an antique dealer in Georgia and give her a stone that might possibly end up in our hands . I have a bad feeling about this . Keeper wouldn 't be nosing around in our world unless something was very wrong . I 'm thinking that we will be headed back to Celahir whether we like it or not , " Beebop said as the Corvette accelerated toward their mountain home . They reached their home a short while later and stopped in front of the garage door . He used the opener and raised the door , then got out . Beebop told Nana get in the driver 's seat and stay in the car with the engine running while he took a cautionary trip through the house just in case someone undesirable from Celahir had decided to pay them a visit . Finding no visitors in the house , he did a quick tour of the workshop and garage . Nothing seemed out of place , so he went back to the car and asked Nana to park it for him . After she had parked the Corvette , they went into the house together and Beebop sat down at the breakfast bar . Nana had poured him a glass of tea and prepared a quick meal of sandwiches and potato chips . As they munched on lunch , they discussed the shopping trip . " I think we would have ended up with the stone one way or another . If it did come from Keeper , that is . It seems that no matter how hard we try to avoid involvement in the affairs of Celahir , it sucks us in . I wouldn 't put it past Naesse and his crew to do something like this to trick us , however . What doesn 't make sense , though , is how Keeper got to our world and why he would want us to have this stone . I know Keeper said he could use some magic , but I thought he never left his land . In addition , we can 't cross the barrier without help since we don 't know the spell to open the way , so having the stone doesn 't really help us at all - which may mean that Naesse had nothing to do with . It is just mysterious and odd . " " What if the purpose of the stone was to send us a message - like some kind of warning ? " asked Nana . " If it was Naesse , why try to trick us ? Why not just attack us here ? It isn 't like they haven 't done that before , remember ? And , why attack us at all ? We don 't have the Carnelian or any of the other missing gemstones , so what does Naesse gain ? " " I know , right ? " Beebop replied . " I had to replace two doors and patch drywall after our last visits from them . You are right , though , about Naesse gaining nothing from attacking us . I think we will need to do some research about the properties of tektite after lunch . We need to know why Keeper , or someone possibly impersonating him , wanted us to have this stone . " He pulled up a search engine and typed in ' tektite . ' He returned over one hundred thousand hits , but the first hit told him most of what he wanted to know . He quickly read the information and then went into the living room . " Well , this is most interesting , " he told Nana . " It seems that tektite is a glass rock , which sounds kind of funny . It comes , most scientists think , from meteorite impacts . There are four areas called strewnfields in the United States . One of those strewnfields stretches from Georgia to Texas . That is probably where Mr . Keeper found this specimen . It isn 't particularly valuable , but , " Beebop paused dramatically - just for effect - " it is considered , among other things , a telepathy stone . " Nana crooked an eyebrow at him and said , " A telepathy stone ? Well , that is interesting . Do you think Keeper is trying to get a message through to us ? If that was the case , and he was in this world anyway , why not just come here and tell us in person ? And , how do you use a telepathy stone ? " " Those are all good questions , my love , but ones that we don 't have answers to . Perhaps it was for another reason that will reveal itself in time . The thing that troubles me most is that if Keeper is in our world - or at least has been - then as I said in the car , are we about to have to go back into Celahir and help ? I admit to being just a little suspicious that we coincidentally find this tektite only a few days before the grandchildren are supposed to visit for the summer . That is , assuming Laura and Mike have decided to let them come and stay with us . " " I will have to ask her tonight when we call them . I can 't imagine she would say no , though . But , should we even let them come knowing that trouble might be brewing ? " Nana asked tersely . " I think I would rather have them here where we can help them . If they stay up there and Naesse or some of his friends attack them up there , Laura and Mike won 't have a clue on how to protect them . I knew this peace and quiet was too good to last , and I am not talking about the children coming . But hey , on the bright side , maybe we will get to see our elf friends again . " Nana looked at him with narrowed eyes and said sharply , " Don 't start dreaming about going back to Celahir . If we do have to go , it will not be a fun trip and you know it . We will be in danger from our first step into that world . We barely survived last time and I , for one , am not looking forward to another dangerous visit . I think you are right about the children , though . We should have them here . " " I was only kidding about going to Celahir . You know that I don 't have a burning desire to go back there . You have to admit , tough , it is somewhat cool being one of the few humans to know that another world exists . Of course , if we told anyone , it wouldn 't take long for someone to lock us up in a padded room . It is similar to when I was in the Navy , had a top - secret clearance , and couldn 't talk about stuff . Besides , as we discussed before , it may be our destiny to help out on this quest . " " I know , " Nana replied . " You still don 't talk about that Navy stuff - even twenty - five years later . For the most part , you are still somewhat sane - I think , " she added playfully . " However , I am not sure about the destiny thing . " Beebop gave her a sidelong glance and then burst out laughing . Nana joined in the laughter , then got up to go cook something for the blog . Beebop decided to go to the basement and examine his rock collection . They spent the rest of the day pursuing their hobbies . Nana cooked , staged , and photographed a couple of dishes for her blog . Beebop created a couple of cabochons , one of which was a carnelian he had found not long after they returned from Celahir . He was particularly proud of that one , since the first stolen gemstone they had recovered from the kelpie was a carnelian . Though not as large as the carnelian from the Elven Bow , it was a reminder of the trials they had gone through and the dangers they had faced and conquered . He finished with the polishing step of the cabochon and took it upstairs to show Nana . He needed her opinion on how to set the stone . He had recently started his own blog - called Beebop Rocks - and was learning how to mount stones in different settings . His blog was tiny compared to Nana 's , but it was fun for him and generated a little money that paid for his hobby . Beebop was surprised at how much time had slipped by while he was working on the cabochons . It was early evening and Nana was putting supper on the table as he came up from the basement . He noticed that she was wearing the tektite necklace they had purchased earlier in the day . Nana ignored him . " I put it on to see how it looked and forgot I wearing it . I do like it , though . On a different subject , I made us some barbeque chicken and potato salad . Now , let 's eat . " " Hey ! " they said together . " We talked to Mom and Dad about coming to spend the summer with you and they said it was OK with them if it was OK with you guys , so can you come pick us up on Friday ? We want you to come get us from school . " " Yay ! We can 't wait ! " they yelled excitedly . " Do you have lots of things planned for us to do ? " Nana and Beebop grinned again and began to tell them about the plans they had for the summer . " Of course I will . I promised to let you and I always try to keep my promises . But , just like Aidan , you have to show me that you can handle it by yourself , " Beebop answered . " We will have to see about that , " Nana told her and shook her head at Beebop . " Now , here is the rest of what we have planned for the summer . " Nana launched into a laundry list of possible activities for the summer . When they finished telling Aidan and Maggie about the summer plans , they asked to talk to their mother . They all said goodbye and love you and then the children turned the phone over to their mother . After a brief conversation with their daughter Laura , Nana and Beebop confirmed that they would pick the children up the following Friday , then chatted about everyday life and Laura 's progress in college . She had returned to school to pursue a new degree , which made her parents proud , but was really stressing her out . After an update on her grades for the term that had just finished , they said goodnight and hung up . Nana turned on the television , purposely avoiding the news channels . She did not think she could take another dose of bad news and gloom and doom today . She had seen enough this morning and all she wanted was some mindless entertainment for a couple of hours . Fortunately , that was not hard to do with the two hundred or so channels from the satellite and the fact that most of the programs on television were mindless anyway . The next few days passed by quickly as they busied themselves getting the house ready for the children . Nana made sure all of the beds had fresh linens , and she baked cookies - lots of cookies . She also shopped to make sure they had all the necessities for their grandchildren 's visit , which meant they needed chocolate for chocolate milk , cinnamon for cinnamon toast - Aidan 's favorite - and a couple dozen eggs . Beebop made sure all of the four - wheelers were ready to ride and the jet skis and ski boat were ready to go . With the recreational equipment taken care of , he spent the remaining days before the children arrived rock hunting or riding his four - wheeler around the property . While he enjoyed those activities , he also took great care to inspect his property for any unwanted visitors from Celahir . He saw no signs of them , but still wanted to be vigilant . He did not tell Nana what he was doing , as he did not want to worry her . He also visited the area where the barrier crossing was located . He did not see any indication that anyone or anything had breached the barrier . At night , he worked on creating cabochons or faceted jewels . Nana spent her evenings reading or watching television or cooking and photographing recipes for the blog . One thing was inevitable when the children came ; she did not have much time to devote to the blog , so she wanted to get some posts done beforehand so she could post them without having to take time away from Maggie and Aidan . In addition , given the mysterious circumstances surrounding the tektite necklace , a return trip to Celahir was not out of the question . Just in case , she set up the posts to publish at preset intervals . That way , she would not have to worry about posts while she was off in another world . In the back of her mind , she fought the urge to believe that a return to the dangers of the elf world was inevitable , but she was a practical woman and planned accordingly . As her father used to tell her , plan for the worst and hope for the best . Beebop got up from his chair , rushed over to her , and tried to talk with her . She was staring blankly at the wall and her lips were moving . Beebop called her name a couple of times , then shook her shoulders when she did not respond to her name . He was beginning to panic , since she was not responding . As he picked up the phone to call 911 , she shook her head and just as quickly as her mumbling started , it stopped , and she was back to normal . She looked at Beebop curiously , wondering why he was holding the phone . " You were mumbling and staring at the wall and I couldn 't get you to stop . You didn 't respond to me calling your name . I started to panic and was about to call 911 to get some help , " he explained , his face lined with worry . " I don 't remember you calling my name or shaking me . I did have a vivid dream about our elf friends and us walking in Celahir . We were all laughing and then a storm blew up and we took shelter under a huge old chestnut tree , " Nana paused as she remembered the dream . " We all got wet , and were standing under the tree dripping when the storm swept the elves up into the clouds , and they disappeared . That was when I woke up . I remember feeling helpless that we unable to do anything . " " Well , it was really weird , whatever it was . I have seen you talk in your sleep before , but nothing like this . Are you sure you are OK ? Do we need to go to the emergency room or something ? " " No , I don 't need to go to the hospital . I am fine , but I do suddenly feel very tired . Can we just go to bed ? " Nana shuddered as she recalled the dream . Beebop nodded and went to turn on the alarm and check the locks on the doors and windows . He did not expect trouble , but with the odd appearance of the tektite necklace and Nana 's episode , he was not taking chances . Nana went upstairs to get ready for bed . Beebop looked at her and shook his head . " You don 't believe that and neither do I , " he said . " After all , with all of the coincidences adding up this week , a dream like that is fitting . As I said before , I think that we are destined to return to Celahir and I think we will end up there not long after the children arrive . " Maggie had not had her dream in a few days , but Thursday night , not long after she went to bed , the dream returned . She awoke after the dream ended , sweating a little , and her mouth dry . The dream really scared her this time because it lasted longer than usual . In this dream , she saw the elves falling from the sky after being swept up by the storm , and she went to Aidan 's room to talk with him . He was sound asleep and she did not want to wake him , so she curled up with a blanket from her bed and fell asleep at the foot of his bed , too scared to sleep in her room alone . For whatever reason , she did not have the dream when she slept in Aidan 's room and , after this latest dream , she was glad to be able to sleep through the rest of the night undisturbed . Today , I published The Gemstone Chronicles Book Two : The Amethyst on Smashwords . That means that the first two books of The Gemstone Chronicles will be available in ebook and paperback formats from all of the major retailers very soon . To celebrate the Smashwords release , I 'm putting a 2 chapter sneak peek of The Gemstone Chronicles Book Three : The Emerald here for your reading pleasure ! Beebop , Nana , Laura , Aidan , Maggie , Findecano , and Luthien strode through the woods on the mainland , heading for a small village about three leagues distant from the shore where they had landed . As they walked , Beebop reviewed in his mind everything he and his family and friends had been through in Celahir . The group was on a quest to rescue Aidan and Maggie 's father and to recover the third of four gemstones that had been stolen from the Elven Bow . The gemstones in the Elven Bow , which was in possession of the Light Elves , worked in conjunction with four gemstones set in the Elven Sword . The Elven Sword was in possession of the Dark Elves , or the Drow , as they were also known . Two of the Drow - Enelya and Elerosse - had stolen the gems during Midsummer Celebration over two hundred years before . The Drow had imprisoned Findecano in a chiastolite stone using a rare spell after the Light Elf had discovered them stealing the gemstones . A smelly troll named Yul guarded Findecano while he was trapped in the stone . Aidan , Maggie , and Beebop were out rock hunting when Maggie found the chiastolite fairy cross stone . The three of them took it back to Nana and Beebop 's home , where Findecano appeared to them and asked to be freed . Despite Nana and Beebop 's instructions to the contrary , Aidan and Maggie sneaked the stone out to Beebop 's workshop and smashed it open with a hammer . Findecano appeared , as did Yul , the troll . Nana had clonked Yul over the head with a cast iron frying pan , Beebop and Aidan had trussed him up with duct tape , and Beebop , in the midst of an insult laden rant , accidently discovered the troll 's name . Beebop 's naming rendered Yul unable to attack them . Findecano and Beebop returned the troll to the elven world known as Celahir . Findecano told them about the missing gemstones and their role in the deterioration of the barrier between Celahir and the human world . The Drow wanted the barrier to collapse so that they could spread their dark influence into the human world and increase their Beebop and his family had decided not to get involved in the affairs of Celahir , but the Drow had different ideas . Enelya and Elerosse , along with a contingent of orcs , attacked them at the barrier , where they had accompanied Findecano so he could return to Celahir . They fled across the barrier and into Celahir , making their way to the Light Elf city of Elessar Melwasul in the middle of the Northern Forest . There , they met the Elven Council led by Naesse . Naesse had ignored their pleas regarding the missing gemstones and asked them to leave the city . They left the next morning and were attacked by the Drow , but managed to escape and returned to the human world . Their escape was short - lived , though , as Naesse and his Drow accomplices attacked them at their home . Aidan managed to draw power from his gemstone and teleport his family and friends back to Celahir , escaping the elves . The quest to recover the Amethyst led them to return to Celahir . Findecano and Alatariel visited them in the human world and asked for their help in defeating Brendan , the giant that was the guardian of the Amethyst . The humans did not really want to go back , but then Yul , the troll from their first adventure in Celahir , showed up being chased by devil - dogs . Beebop helped drive the devil - dogs back to Celahir and Yul told them that Naesse had captured Aidan and Maggie 's dad , Mike , and taken him to Celahir . They returned to Celahir and went to Brendan 's island fortress to challenge the giant . Aidan was their champion - as chosen by Naesse - and he defeated Brendan in three challenges . Brendan thought he had been cheated and kidnapped Aidan and the local innkeeper 's daughter , Siobhan . Brendan inadvertently reunited Siobhan and her mother - who he had taken prisoner years before - when he locked Aidan and Siobhan in a cage with her in the castle . The three of them escaped from the cage and made their way to Brendan 's room , where Naesse and his crony from the village , Dermot , captured them again . Naesse admitted that he had lied to Brendan about holding his heart hostage and had promised Brendan that Caitrin - Siobhan 's mother - might fall in love with him if he kept her at the castle . Brendan became angry after overhearing Naesse talking about what he had done . Aidan decided to be a friend to Brendan , and fought alongside him against Naesse . Brendan , after sustaining some terrible wounds protecting Aidan from Naesse 's magic , grabbed Naesse and Dermot and leaped from the castle walls into the sea beyond . Just before Brendan leaped into the sea and perished , he gave the Amethyst to Aidan . Aidan gave the Amethyst to Alatariel , who sailed back to the Northern Forest area to give to gemstone to Keeper . Unbeknownst to the companions , Naesse had survived the plunge into the sea and had watched the ship carrying Alatariel - and the Amethyst - sail off into the distance . With all that history behin " Beebop , that has puzzled me as well . Enelya and Elerosse told me that the Emerald was guarded by a cockatrice . A cockatrice is not the same as a basilisk , though . A basilisk does not possess wings as the cockatrice does . That is not important to our dilemma , however . Enelya and Elerosse could have been lying , but why would they ? Everything else they told me turned out to be true , so we have to assume that they were truthful about that . Thus , I have no idea what role this witch plays in our little drama . Perhaps we will learn more when we reach the inn of Peter McGuigan 's cousin . " " Speaking of the inn , how much longer until we get there ? I am tired ! " Maggie said , stroking the fur the Lucy , Keeper 's ferret that he had allowed to accompany them . Findecano chuckled and said , " It will not be long now . The village is supposed to be about three leagues from the shore , so that is about three hours of walking . Judging by the sun , we have been walking for about that long , so I would expect the village to be very near . " As is on cue , they rounded a bend in the forest path and saw the first house . It was made of wood and almost blended in with the surrounding trees , but smoke coming from the chimney revealed its presence . As they neared the house , the front door opened and a small thin boy of about Maggie 's age appeared . He had longish black hair and bright green eyes . He gazed shyly at the group as they passed by his door and then he fell in behind them after they passed . After a few minutes , the boy said , " Hello . My name is Dylan . Where are you going ? " As it turned out , they needed him to guide them to the inn . The building was set well back from the path in a deeply shaded glen surrounded by high brush . They likely would have walked right past the place had Dylan not been there to help . Dylan strode directly through the brush and into a small neat clearing at the front of the inn . " Keeper paid for those . How , I do not know . Keeper is a mystery to us , even though he is on our side in this struggle , " Findecano shrugged his shoulders at the thought of Keeper . " Follow me please , " Dylan said importantly . The boy , without waiting for an answer , walked boldly up to the door of the inn and opened it . He stuck his head inside and looked around . He did not see anyone and turned back toward the group gathered on the steps . " There does not seem to be anyone here . That is odd . Mr . Eamonn O ' Keefe , the owner , is always here . My father brings him firewood and game that he hunts . I wonder where he could be . " Beebop and Findecano looked in the inn and made sure it was deserted and then invited the rest of their party inside . Much like Peter 's inn , this one had a combination dining room and tavern area where people could eat , drink and socialize . There were a few tables clustered in front of the huge fireplace , a couple of windows that were clean and allowed ample light , and a bar across the back wall where drinks were poured . The whole place looked clean , warm , and completely empty . Findecano looked around uneasily , unsure of why the inn would be so deserted . Beebop nodded and then froze as he heard a sound from the floor above them . He motioned for everyone to remain silent and signaled for Luthien , Findecano , and Aidan to follow him . They padded through the inn and found two staircases . Findecano and Luthien went up the main stairs while Beebop and Aidan went to the back stairs . They crept up the stairs as quietly as they could , hoping that a creaky board wouldn 't betray their presence . They reached the upper floor and noted there were six doors leading to different rooms . They started on Findecano 's end , opening each door quietly and peering in . Finding nothing in the first room , they opened the next two doors and found nothing . At the fourth door , Aidan eagerly turned the knob and swung the door open . As the door swung , a figure rushed out at them , bowling Aidan over and knocking Beebop against the wall . The figure ran down the back stairs and headed through the kitchen . As the group upstairs came running down , they heard a commotion from the kitchen and they burst into that room , alert and ready to fight . They just as quickly dropped their fighting posture as they found a small figure thrashing on the floor , struggling under the combined weight of Maggie , Laura , and Nana . Dylan stood back from them a little bit , eyes wide open at the scene before him . Beebop went into the common room and retrieved his pack . From his pack he drew a couple of long zip ties and quickly secured the arms and legs of the figure on the floor . Nana , Laura , and Maggie scrambled to their feet and straightened their clothes . They were all breathing hard and had anger and fear mixed in their expressions . " This creature came running down the stairs and into the kitchen . We were investigating the kitchen and he surprised us . I actually hit him with a rolling pin and then we sat on him until you came , " Nana said breathlessly . " Good job ! You are getting good at cracking things over the head ! " Beebop said his face alive with admiration . He turned to look at the trussed up figure who was struggling mightily with the zip ties . He pulled the figure to a sitting position and sat back , bemused . " It looks like we have found us a dwarf . We haven 't seen one of them since we fought the wolves when we first came to Celahir . " The figure was very short , broad and muscular , and had an incredibly wrinkled face and long white beard . The dwarf stopped struggling and spoke in a deep sonorous voice . " Free me , and I will show you hidden jewels and gold . You can be rich beyond your dreams . " The dwarf shrugged indifferently and said , " The inn was empty when I arrived . I came simply to see if I could get a meal while I was traveling . When I could not find anyone down here , I went upstairs to look . When you opened the door , I was startled and fled . I was not expecting to be struck with a rolling pin and tied up . I am a peaceful soul on a journey of enlightenment . " As she cleared her mind , images came to her from the stone and , after seeing the images , she broke her concentration and said , " The dwarf , as far as I can tell , is not exactly lying . He isn 't telling the whole truth , though . From what I can see , he is trying to conceal his true purpose here and it seems to be tied to the Drow . " " The Drow , huh ? " Beebop asked . " What could the Drow possibly want at this inn ? " The dwarf looked at Nana with anger - and a bit of fear - in his eyes , and cried , " You are a witch ! How can you know my thoughts ? My masters will be most upset with you for taking me prisoner . I am a scout that looks for possible resistance to the Drow as they begin to extend their domination over Celahir . I will be happy to report to them that this small village is a pocket of resistance . Perhaps they will pay you a visit . " " They already have paid us a visit , " Nana said dryly . " At least he seems to be telling the truth this time , " she added . " So , what do we do with him ? " The dwarf 's eyes bulged at Beebop 's words and he started babbling . " You cannot do this . I can tell you what my master is planning . I am a key part of the plan , I tell you . " " We have been looking for you . You must be Mr . O ' Keefe . We come from Peter McGuigan 's inn . Peter told us to find you . The boy , Dylan , brought us here and we were looking for someone to give us a room and some food . We didn 't find anyone , but we heard a noise from upstairs . We went looking upstairs and found the dwarf in one of the rooms . He ran out and we captured him down here in the kitchen and tied him up , " Beebop explained . " I do not see a boy anywhere . Who is Dylan ? " the innkeeper asked suspiciously . Beebop looked around the room , but Dylan was nowhere to be found . " Well , he was here a minute ago . He lives in a small house along the path . He came out after we passed his house and followed us and then offered to show us where the inn was . He must have gotten scared when you surprised us and ran off . " " My name is Seamus O ' Keefe . Welcome to the village of Fearn . I am glad to hear you came from Peter 's inn . You must tell me how he and his family fare . We do not see many strangers like you here . We get a few visitors , mostly those headed to the sea , a wandering minstrel or two , but certainly no one dressed as you are . " " Thank you for welcoming us . We are indeed strangers to Celahir . I am called Beebop . This is my wife Nana , our daughter Laura and her children Aidan and Maggie , and our elven friends Findecano and Luthien . We are seeking a place to stay tonight , a good meal , and some information about this area . " " I am pleased to meet all of you . I live here and run this inn . I have ample room for you and your companions and I prepare some delicious meals . As for information , I can provide more than most . I would be honored to have you lodge with me for tonight . " Seamus smiled mysteriously and said , " I will explain later as we eat . " The companions looked quizzically at Seamus , but did not inquire further about Dylan . " What are we going to do with the dwarf ? " Nana asked , transferring everyone 's attention to the small figure on the floor . " That pesky little dwarf no doubt told you he was a part of a great plan and he was a key to its success . The truth is that he lives in a hole not far from here and digs hoping to find gold and jewels . He is harmless , but he does tend to come here and try to steal things when I am out and about . I suspect you caught him trying to steal from me again and he tried to run away . I am a bit surprised that you were able to capture him . He is very strong you know . " Nana bent down and picked up the rolling pin . Seamus laughed and then went over to the dwarf and pulled out a knife . He cut through the ties holding the dwarf and none - to - gently ripped the tape from his mouth . The dwarf cried out in pain as the tape came off , tearing a fair amount of his beard from his face . He jumped up and , with a very nasty look at Beebop and Nana , ran out of the door without a word . " We seem to have a habit of making dwarves angry with us , " Nana said lightly . Seamus looked at them quizzically this time , but did not say anything . Instead , he held up the pieces of the zip ties and the duct tape and asked , " What are these things ? They were very effective at holding the dwarf captive and quiet . " " They are things from our world . After we get settled and get something to eat , perhaps we can exchange information , " Beebop answered , returning Seamus ' mystery with one of his own . Seamus smiled , nodded , and led them upstairs to the rooms . They were kind of spartan , with only beds and a washstand , but they were clean and dry and comfortable . Nana nodded her approval and dropped her pack next to the bed . " Me too , Nana , " Maggie said . " And Lucy is tired , too ! " Maggie added , taking the ferret off her shoulder and stroking its fur . After a few hours , Seamus came upstairs and awakened his guests . The travelers made their way downstairs and discovered that it was dark outside . Unlike earlier , the tavern room was filled with people eating and drinking . They were laughing loudly and the room was abuzz with conversation - all of which stopped as they walked into the room . Every head turned toward them and some of the guests eyed them with distrust and others with curiosity . Seamus saw them and hurried over . He led them to a couple of tables in a corner of the room , and then hustled off to the kitchen for food . They were expecting a stew of some sort , since that seemed to be the fare of choice in Celahir , but were pleasantly surprised to see that they could choose between fish , venison , or lamb , fresh vegetables , and water , wine , or beer to drink . Laura was astonished to see Aidan and Maggie both choose lamb . The rest of the room resumed eating , but kept casting curious glances at their party . Their conversations were not as loud or as boisterous as they had been . Beebop and his group ignored the villagers and concentrated on eating the delicious meal that Seamus had provided . Hunger finally sated , they all sat back from the table and waited for Seamus to join them . They had many questions about the area . They also wanted to know as much as they could about the crone . " I like someone who gets right to the point , " Nana said appreciatively . " We need to know about an old woman who lives around here . Some might refer to her as a crone or a witch , and we think she is holding Aidan and Maggie 's father captive at the behest of a Dark Elf named Naesse . " Seamus stared thoughtfully into the embers of the fire for a time and finally answered Nana . " I know the person of which you speak . She lives not far from here and has been a thorn in this village 's side for many years . She is unpleasant to talk with , and rumor has it that she has many powers that stem from the Dark . She is called Maeva , which means intoxicating in our language . Let me warn you , though , she is not intoxicating in the least . " " No more than a league or two . You cannot miss her home . It stands next to the road - though it is set back a bit so you can only see the roof . But , she has twisted the bushes into a fence , and those bushes prevent people from entering her land . Should you try to cross them , they will twist around you and hold you in place until Maeva decides to release you . I have been trapped by those bushes and meeting Maeva in person was one of the more unpleasant experiences of my life . " " I went there as a younger man on a dare from my friends . I tried to sneak up to her house , but the bushes trapped me . Maeva finally decided to free me after I spent that day and night struggling with the bushes . I must tell you that I was afraid I would perish there . She was mean and spiteful and threatened to turn me into a statue if I ever dared cross her again . I have not dared to try to visit her house since . " " I am not sure what is rumor , superstition , and what is true . We do know that she can cast spells - the bushes are proof of that - but what other powers are only rumored . It is said that she has a collection of statues in front of her house that were people at one time . She froze them into statues so she could relish her victory over mere mortal men . Those who displease her greatly are destined to meet that fate , " Seamus shivered a bit as he told them the tale . Seamus looked shaken at the mention of the kelpie . " What do you know about the kelpie ? " Nana looked at Seamus and saw that his color had drained and he was as pale as a ghost . " I had a wife once , many years ago . We were walking beside the river not far from here when she saw the most beautiful horse . Running up to it , she leaped upon it to ride . I screamed for her to stop , but she had jumped on the back of the horrid beast . The kelpie ran into the river , and she was lost . " " We had to recover one of the missing Elven Bow gems from the kelpie , " Beebop explained . Seamus stared at him blankly , as though his words did not register . Beebop realized that his words probably did not mean anything to him and that they needed to tell Seamus the whole story . He resigned himself to the retelling of that tale , so he asked Seamus for a refill of drinks for everyone before the tale began . Seamus complied and refilled all of the cups before settling himself in front of the fire and looking expectantly at Beebop and Findecano . Beebop sighed and gestured for Findecano to begin the long arduous story . After a couple of hours , Seamus was completely up to speed on their journey thus far . He was glad to hear that his cousin , Peter , had been reunited with his wife and that Brendan was no longer a concern for the village on the Island of Man . He was not happy about Beebop returning the bridle to the kelpie , but he understood why Beebop had done it . He also understood why they were pursuing their quest and promised to do what he could to help them along . " I see now why there has been an increase in stories of Drow wandering through Celahir . The Eastern Forest lies about one hundred leagues from here and there are many elf settlements between here and there . Most of the humans live near here or on the Island of Man , but we do get wandering elf minstrels or traders . Some of the tales they have told will chill you to the bone . But to steal the gems that balance the world between good and evil is a most dangerous thing . " He paused and searched Beebop 's face . " We have tried that route before , " Beebop answered truthfully . " It seems that fate , or destiny , or whatever , keeps leading us back here . We have resigned ourselves to the fact that our world depends on what we do here . As I have often said , heroes do not plan on being heroes . They are just ordinary people who , in the right circumstances , do extraordinary things . " " Well said , Beebop , " Findecano said , noting that Aidan , Maggie , and Nana were yawning . " Now it is very late and we need to get started on our way tomorrow . We will bid you a good night and head to our beds . " " Before we go to bed , I want to know what happened to Dylan . " Maggie said sleepily . Lucy , who had been curled up in her lap sleeping , woke at her voice and stared at everyone with her beady ferret eyes . Laura saw his discomfort and said , " What are you not telling us , Seamus ? It is important that we know as much as we can so we can be successful with this quest and the rescue of my husband . " Seamus hesitated and then answered , " You see , when you arrived here , I was suspicious because you were so obviously strangers to Celahir . But , when you told me Dylan brought you to my inn , my suspicions were allayed . " " Dylan , well … Dylan has been dead for over one hundred years . He was my grandfather 's youngest brother who died from a terrible plague that swept through our part of Celahir . He only appears to help those who are here to help Celahir or Fearn . " I 'm almost through the edits of The Gemstone Chronicles Book Four : The Ruby . To celebrate the ending of the series ( although celebrate may be a little inaccurate as I hate to see it end ) , I would like to share a sneak peek ! No cover for it yet , but I plan on releasing the book early in 2014 , so kick back , put your feet up , and enjoy the first two chapters ! ! The late fall sunshine filled the windshield of Beebop 's Corvette as he negotiated the curves of the two - lane highway that lead to his mountain home . He was driving a bit faster than normal due to the fact that it was unseasonably warm for late November , and he had the top down on the bright red convertible , and he was alone , and everyone was waiting for him to get back with ice so they could eat Thanksgiving dinner . He pushed the gas pedal a little farther and downshifted around a gentle curve . The road straightened past the curve and he pushed the gas a little harder still . The big V - 8 engine responded with a throaty roar and Beebop grinned at the sound . The turn for his property was coming up , so he eased off the accelerator and downshifted anticipating the sharp turn into his long driveway . Despite his joy at driving his car , he was really looking forward to dinner . His daughter and her husband , his grandchildren , his mother and mother - in - law , plus Nana 's grandmother - Aidan and Maggie 's great - great grandmother - had made the trip up from deep South Georgia to join them for this dinner . Added to the crowd was Beebop 's younger brother and his two girls and the spacious home was filled to capacity . Nana was in her element , though , cooking a huge dinner and entertaining guests . Beebop really had only one job and that was to make sure there was plenty of ice . He had forgotten the ice , though , so she had sent him out to remedy that situation . Aidan had jokingly accused him of forgetting the ice on purpose and Beebop had to admit that although it was unplanned , he didn 't mind having to go . His driveway turned off to the right and he took that turn a bit faster than normal , causing the Corvette to fishtail just a little . He corrected the slide with a flick of the steering wheel , the grin on his face bigger than ever . He loved his car ! He slowed to drive up the driveway , allowing the car to almost coast . As he neared the house , something small and white shot out from the bushes beside the drive and scampered off into the woods on the other side of the pavement . Instinctively , Beebop hit the brakes and screeched to a halt . He stared at the woods where whatever it was had disappeared . Something about the small thing reminded him of something , but he could not quite put his finger on it . Filing the fleeting image away in his mind , he shook his head and drove the remaining distance to his house and pulled into the garage . He grabbed the bags of ice , hit the garage door button to close the door , and made his way out of the garage by the side door and went into the house . Dinner was an amazing meal - as usual . Nana had cooked two large turkeys , cornbread dressing , sweet potato casserole , baked fruit , homemade cranberry sauce , mashed potatoes , gravy , green beans , and butterbeans . For dessert , she had made a German chocolate cake - Beebop 's favorite , a pumpkin pie , and a pecan cheesecake pie all served with fresh whipped cream . They sat around the large dining table plus the smaller kitchen table and had just enough room for everyone . They all ate until they could eat no more and then collapsed in the living room to recover from the meal . Beebop groaned when he thought about the amount of dishes to be cleaned up and was ever so grateful that they had decided to put two dishwashers in the kitchen . " Like what kind of strange things ? UFOs ? Little green men ? " Beebop joked , although he knew that Aidan was referring to Celahir . " This isn 't funny , Beebop . " Aidan didn 't look amused at all . " We have seen some really odd creatures around our house in North Carolina . We were out walking in the woods with Mom and Dad the other day and we saw what looked like a dragon flying across the sky . I would have shrugged it off as imagination , except that Maggie saw it , too , but Mom and Dad didn 't see anything - or so they said . Later , when we were driving home , we had to stop and wait until a huge flock of ravens flew away from the road . We couldn 't see through them there were so many of the birds . It was creepy and Mom was freaking out ! " " I thought about the birds migrating , too . But , when I looked it up , I found out that ravens don 't migrate . They scared me and now I am worried about what might be happening in Celahir - and here . " " I know what you mean . I think about our friends there almost every day . But , they haven 't asked for our help and we haven 't had any reason to seek them out , so I have to believe they are doing well in their struggle . " Aidan nodded glumly , clearly still bothered . " Not much . Dad has been completely silent about it and Mom just kind of ignores us if we want to talk about it . It 's like they don 't want to believe we really went somewhere else and did the things we did . Most of all , I think they were really scared when Maggie went out and fought the cockatrice all by herself . I know Mom would talk about it if we really pushed it , but since we are home and safe , I think she just wants to forget the whole thing , " Aidan said sourly . " That 's why I think Mom and Dad just ignored the dragon and the ravens . " " Well , let 's not push things with your parents . They will talk about it when they are ready . I can imagine your dad is the most reluctant to talk about it since he was held captive as a statue the longest . He didn 't have any time to adjust to the fact that another world exists before he was turned into stone . As for our friends in Celahir , they haven 't tried to contact us . If we are meant to go back there , then it will happen . Otherwise , we 'll have done our part and have to be satisfied with our contribution . " He looked at his grandson thoughtfully for a moment and then added , " Do you miss Siobhan ? " " It 's nothing to be embarrassed about . She was your first real crush , so it 's natural you miss her . I take it you haven 't found another girl at school yet ? " Aidan shook his head , wishing that Beebop would talk about something else . Beebop saw his look , smiled , and let the subject drop . " What else has been going on since you turned fourteen ? And , have you and Maggie gotten your Christmas lists put together yet ? " Beebop was famous for wanting Christmas lists so that he and Nana could finish their shopping early and could enjoy the holidays without having to rush around for last - minute gifts . " There isn 't much new going on . I stopped going to kung fu because they won 't let me train for black belt until I turn eighteen . And , no , I haven 't finished my Christmas list and I don 't think Maggie has either . We 'll try to do them while we are here this weekend . " " Getting back to the odd things you have noticed , though , has there been anything else ? " Aidan thought for a few minutes before answering . " Not like any other animals or anything , but sometimes I think my teachers are possessed by Naesse or someone evil like that . They give me a lot of homework ! " Beebop laughed and clapped Aidan on the shoulder . " Well , keep your eyes open and your gemstones handy in case they try to cast a spell on you . And remember , homework isn 't evil . It gets you prepared for college . " Aidan rolled his eyes and said , " Beebop , I am only fourteen . College is like years away ! " He shook his head and left the kitchen while Beebop went back to loading the dishwashers . The others in the family wandered in and out of the kitchen as he worked . He had resigned himself to a couple of hours of cleaning , so having the company - even for short periods - was a welcome diversion from the cleanup . Most of the conversations were innocuous topics like the unusually warm weather , the upcoming Christmas holidays , and things like that . With what Aidan had told him about the dragon and the ravens , he welcomed the distractions . " Beebop , did Aidan tell you about the dragon and the ravens ? " she asked around a mouthful of pie . " Yes , he did , sweetheart . I think it 's kind of strange . What do you think about it ? " Beebop replied . " The dragon was cool and I wish we could have been closer so we could have seen it better , but the birds scared me . They just appeared in a big flock while we were driving home and we had to stop the car and wait until they moved on . They also flew really close to the car and a couple actually hit it . " Maggie laughed , too , but and said , " I know , he told me what you said . Seriously , though , I haven 't seen anything else , but I will try to keep a sharp eye out . I know that Naesse has to be planning something . Have you made any plans for us to go back to Celahir ? " " We are not going back to Celahir ! " Laura said emphatically as she and Mike came into the kitchen with worried looks on their faces . " We don 't even want to hear the name Celahir . " " We weren 't talking about going to Celahir . Maggie was just telling me about the ravens that you ran into the other day and how much it scared her . We weren 't talking about returning to Celahir , but Maggie did ask if I thought about our friends there . I do think about them and I don 't apologize for that . " Beebop looked at the two of them with a challenge in his eyes . Laura , much better than Mike , knew that look and decided it was best not to push him . " Fine . We just wanted to be sure that you weren 't running off there this weekend . We would like to just enjoy the holiday without worrying about that place , " Laura said tartly . " We have no intention of going back there unless circumstances warrant . We would like to enjoy the holidays , too . I could do that even better if you would give me a Christmas list ! " Beebop deftly steered the conversation away from Celahir . Laura simply rolled her eyes at her father , grabbed Mike by the arm , and left him to finish the kitchen . Maggie , having eaten her piece of pie , left the kitchen , too . Beebop sighed deeply and went back to cleaning up . " Only an hour and a half . Not too bad , if I do say so myself . I 'm so glad we added the second dishwasher ! " Beebop muttered to himself as he headed back to the living room . There he found almost everyone sleeping . The only ones who were awake were Aidan and Maggie and their cousins who were playing video games . They had turned the volume down so as not to disturb the sleepers but they were competing and they kept getting louder . Beebop repeatedly had to ask them to quiet down , but he might as well have been asking the wind to stop blowing . After a few admonishments which were only momentarily obeyed , he gave up and let them play as loud as they wanted . As he watched them fighting to save the world from a zombie invasion , he settled down into his leather recliner , and soon he had joined the others for a little nap . Beebop awoke with a start to total silence . He sat up and looked around groggily to find that he was sitting alone in his living room . He got up from the recliner and listened for any noises . He heard nothing at all so he went from room to room looking for his family , but they were nowhere to be found . He started running around the house yelling for them , then burst through the back door screaming their names as he looked frantically for his missing family . Finally , he ran into the garage to find Naesse sitting behind the wheel of his Corvette , a grim evil smile on his face . " I told you I would see you in December . Remember that and remember that I owe you for many painful conversations with my master . " Naesse laughed harshly and got out of the car . He approached Beebop and struck him with a resounding slap across the face . " Beebop , wake up ! " Nana was lightly slapping his face trying to get him to wake up from his nightmare . She stopped slapping him when he held up his hands . " I 'm awake now . Please stop slapping me ! " Beebop said grumpily as he sat up and moodily rubbed his cheek . Nana hadn 't hit him hard , but his cheek was still a little red . " I 'm sorry I was slapping you , but you were yelling and thrashing about and you wouldn 't wake up when I shook you . The children were getting scared - and so was I , " Nana explained , tears forming in her eyes . " Sorry I scared y ' all , " Beebop said gently . " I just ate too much and had a bad dream . There 's nothing to worry about . " Beebop smiled at everyone and pretended to be fine . In his mind , though , he was deeply troubled by his dream . Nana saw his introspective look and promised herself that she would find out about the dream later . After Beebop 's nightmare , no one was able to go back to sleep and most wanted to snack on the leftovers . They all trooped into the kitchen and raided the refrigerator . Nana also prepared some take home packages for Beebop 's brother John and his girls and for her mother and grandmother for their trip home the following day . They ate while keeping an eye on Beebop and queried him about his dream . " It was nothing . I had a dream that we were all on a sinking submarine and I couldn 't find any of you to get you out . I was panicking , that 's all , and it was very real to me . Now everyone please stop looking at me like I have lost my mind ! " " But Beebop , we haven 't ever seen you have a nightmare before . If it hadn 't seen so scary , it would have been really funny ! " Aidan said with a laugh . " I 'm so glad I can be your source of amusement . Now eat so I can clean up the kitchen again ! " Beebop said sarcastically , but with a twinkle in his eyes . Everyone laughed and left him alone while they finished eating . " I 've given up on the idea that anything is impossible . After all , a few months ago , we had no idea that there was any such thing as Celahir , or Light and Dark Elves , or kelpies , or any of the other things we have discovered . And who would believe that our grandchildren could have done the things they have done ? Speaking of things they have done , have you noticed that since we discovered Celahir that Aidan and Maggie are much more confident and more focused than before . If nothing else , it has been great for them . " " Don 't say that around Laura and Mike . They don 't even want to hear the name Celahir or anything about our excursions , " Beebop said with a laugh . Nana rolled her eyes in a very good imitation of Maggie and went to brush her teeth . " By the way , " Nana said around her toothbrush , " what was your dream really about ? " Beebop didn 't even try to deny he had told a little white lie about the dream . He knew that Nana had probably picked up on it , but he hadn 't wanted to share what he really dreamed about at that time . It would have been difficult to explain about Celahir to the rest of the family . His mom and mother - in - law would never have believed it ! " I dreamed that you all were missing and Naesse was sitting in my Corvette . He laughed and said that he would see us in December . Then he slapped me across the face - coincidentally at the same time you did . I 'm not sure if I was madder at the dream slap or Naesse sitting in my Corvette ! " Nana looked at him in amusement and laughed . Beebop laughed , too , and then continued , " Seriously , I think the dream might have been caused by Aidan and Maggie 's story about the dragon and the ravens . " " Well , I guess we will see what happens in a few days when December rolls around . If the dragon and the ravens come , then we will deal with it , " Nana said in a practical tone . " It frightens me a little that you had that dream , but until something happens , I am going to enjoy the weekend with the children and do some shopping . And no , I 'm not getting up for Black Friday . " Beebop laughed and went to check on the children before turning in for the night . The weekend passed by quickly . Beebop finally got a Christmas list from everyone , and was contentedly plotted his shopping strategy . They spent many hours talking with Pauline , Nana 's grandmother who was about to turn ninety - eight . It was amazing to hear her talk about what she had seen change during her life and it was even more amazing that she was as clear and sharp as ever . They also did a lot of discussion and note taking on family history for both sides of the family so that they could update the family tree they were trying to build . Finally , though , everyone left for home , and Nana and Beebop had the house to themselves . They decided to go out for dinner since it was still pretty warm and they were tired of turkey and other leftovers . They decided not to take the Corvette , though , and got into Nana 's crossover . Beebop drove and Nana picked out the restaurant . It was a favorite little place they knew and overlooked the Yahoola Creek in Dahlonega , where some of the first gold in North Georgia was found . Beebop occasionally prospected in that creek , though he hadn 't found any gold . They dined in casual comfort and enjoyed the quiet . Driving home , it was dark and beginning to cloud up . A light rain began to fall just as they reached their driveway . Beebop turned the car into the drive and flicked on the bright lights so they could better through the rain . Ahead of them , standing in the driveway , was a shadowy figure . Beebop slowed immediately , and cautiously inched his way up toward the figure . " Do you see that ? " he asked Nana . Nana nodded , trying to see through the rain . As they neared the figure , it dashed off into the woods . Beebop stopped the car and jumped out , peering through the increasingly heavy rain in a vain attempt to find whoever had been standing in the drive . Unable to identify exactly who or what it was , and now soaked from the rain , Beebop drove quickly up to the garage and pulled the car into its stall . He got out and ushered Nana into the house . He locked the door behind him , set the alarm , went to the gun cabinet , and got his trusty shotgun . He loaded the weapon and set the safety , and then got out a handgun for Nana . He loaded it , too , set the safety , and headed back to the living room where Nana was sitting tensely . " If I had to guess based on the size , I 'd say it was a troll or an ogre . But , it moved too quickly for either of those - at least the ones I have seen . Although , I do remember when Yul was running from the devil - dogs that he could move pretty fast . " Beebop was referring to the troll they had encountered when they released Findecano , their elf friend , from the chiastolite stone in which he had been imprisoned by two Dark Elves . Yul had been Findecano 's guardian in the stone , placed there by Enelya and Elerosse , the two Dark Elves who stole the four gemstones from the Elven Bow . Those gemstones , along with the four in the Elven Sword , channeled power to the Diamond , which was held by the god of the seas , maintained the balance between good and evil in Celahir - and the barrier between Celahir and the human world . With the theft of the gemstones , the balance was tilting toward evil and the power of the Dark Elves , also known as the Drow , was growing while the power of the Light Elves was waning . The barrier between the worlds was weakening , too , and that allowed people who had the right spell to cross into the other world . That weakness in the barrier , combined with Findecano 's spell knowledge , led them to their first adventure in Celahir . That was where Beebop defeated the kelpie and recovered the first gemstone , the Carnelian . That stone was now in the custody of Keeper . Keeper was another story and a complete mystery to them . There was much more to their previous adventures . They had recovered two more of the missing gemstones , defeated a giant and a cockatrice , but thinking back on all of their escapades was giving Beebop a headache . He decided not to think about them anymore until tomorrow , and tried to focus on what he and Nana had just seen . " I would like to think that whoever was in the drive has run off . I 'm not planning on going out and hunting them down - especially in the rain . But , I think we should keep the guns handy tonight in case someone decides they want to get in the house . I could call the sheriff , I suppose , but since the person didn 't try to get in the house , I doubt they would come out . I can go look in the morning and maybe figure out who was in our driveway . " He strolled through the house clutching the shotgun , looking out of the windows to see if there were any creatures lurking about . He didn 't see any , and returned to the living room to get comfortable . Nana turned on the television - more for background noise than a desire to watch any of the programs - and got their laptops . They sat in their favorite chairs , guns on the floor next to them . The quiet was undisturbed and , despite the earlier incident , Beebop was soon surfing gemstone sites and Nana was looking at different food blogs and searching for recipe inspiration for her own very successful food blog . They watched the weather and found out that the warm weather was about to be gone , replaced by late fall storms and temperatures . Nana began yawning and it was contagious . Soon both of them were ready to get in the bed . Beebop yawned again , double - checked the alarm , turned off the lights , and headed up the stairs with Nana . Both of them still had their guns and kept them by the bedside in case of unwanted visitors . Of course , Nana thought ruefully , according to Findecano , if the visitors were from Celahir the guns wouldn 't work against them . They got ready for bed and read for a little while until they couldn 't keep their eyes open . With all of the lights - except his bedside lamp - off , Beebop went around to each of the bedrooms and peered out the windows again , but didn 't see anything suspicious . He finally decided that whoever had been out there was gone , and he just wanted to close his eyes and not dream about Naesse sitting in his beloved CorvCh . 2 The next couple of weeks flew by as Nana and Beebop got the house ready for Christmas . Beebop got all of the outside lights put up and hung the wreaths on the windows . He put the candles in the windows and spent the better part of a day putting the lights on the trees . They always had two trees . They had a large tree in the dining room bay window that was the formal tree . In the living room , they had a second tree that they put all of the children 's ornaments on and where Santa always left Aidan and Maggie 's presents . While he was doing his part of the decorating , Nana did the rest of the house . By the time she was finished , the house looked festive and gorgeous . They also spent considerable time shopping and wrapping presents . By the middle of December , everything was done except for the Christmas candies that Nana made every year . During the two - week stretch , they didn 't find any other signs of visitors , but they kept the alarm on and the guns handy whenever they were home . Beebop wasn 't even troubled by any more dreams about Naesse , but he did check on his Corvette every day . Finally , Christmas vacation for Aidan and Maggie arrived . As was their tradition , Beebop and Nana were there to pick them up when they got out of school for the holidays . The trip up to North Carolina was slower than usual due to a snowstorm that had moved in the night before . The snow accumulation wasn 't expected to stop traffic , but it did make the roads slick and slowed them down . By the time they arrived at Laura and Mike 's house , snow was beginning to accumulate . They went inside for just a minute to get Laura and then headed off to the school . They spotted their grandchildren walking across the parking lot deeply engaged in conversation with separate groups of friends . Maggie was easy to spot with her long blonde hair flying about in the wind . Aidan was harder to spot , but they picked him out due to his height . He had grown since his fourteenth birthday , and was now as tall as Beebop . The children separated from their friends and started walking together when they saw Nana and Beebop standing next to Nana 's car . Maggie ran toward them waving madly , but Aidan , trying to be cool as befitted his age , sauntered behind her shaking his head . However , once his friends had disappeared , he ran to catch up with his sister . They reached the car about the same time and gave their grandparents a big hug . With the snow falling and the wind blowing , Nana ushered them into the car and they headed for their house . The car was filled with happy chatter as Aidan and Maggie tried to talk over each other in an attempt to tell Nana and Beebop how school was going and about their friends . Laura finally had to tell them to hush and wait until they were on the way to Georgia . They quieted down , knowing they would have plenty of time to tell Nana and Beebop everything on the ride back to their mountain home . They drove to Laura 's house to pick up the suitcases and a few other essentials for the trip . Beebop did his usual job of playing porter and getting the car packed while Nana looked at the radar on the computer to see what the snow had in store for them . She certainly didn 't like the look of the storm . " We need to get going so we can beat the storm . It looks like we are going to get blasted later tonight . When do you get off for the holidays ? " Nana asked . " I am off starting Monday , but Mike doesn 't finish up until Tuesday , " Laura answered . " We expect to come next Wednesday and stay through the weekend . That should give us time to get everything ready for Christmas Eve on Thursday . And , you get the children for almost a week before we get there . " " That sounds good to us . We will make sure everything is ready when y ' all get there . Now , we really have to get going . Aidan , Maggie , let 's load up . " The children gave their parents hugs and climbed into the car . Beebop was sitting in the driver 's seat with the engine running and Nana made her way to the passenger side . Beebop let down the window so that everyone could say a last goodbye to Laura and Mike . " You two be good and mind Nana and Beebop , " Laura told her children . They both nodded distractedly . Aidan was getting his portable gaming system running and Maggie was trying to get a movie started on the entertainment system . Laura shook her head but smiled at them . " We don 't have plans to visit there . We plan on having a nice quiet Christmas holiday . Now quit worrying and let us get going before we get stranded by the snow , " Beebop said soothingly . He hugged her through the open window , told Mike goodbye , shook his hand , and wished them both a cheery Merry Christmas . He let up the window and backed out of the drive . Everyone waved at Laura and Mike as they stood on the porch and watched the car roll away into the swirling snowflakes . Unseen by any of them , a raven watched the car roll away , too . Once it was lost in the snow , the raven flew off , flying high above the car but following it as it navigated the slick roads on its way back to Georgia . Inside the car , Maggie and Aidan took turns telling their grandparents about the latest things going on in their lives . Maggie was getting interested in jewelry making and Aidan was becoming a very good saxophone player . " Do you have any gemstones that I could make into jewelry , Beebop ? " Maggie asked . " I 'm getting pretty good with wire work and I brought some of my supplies along with me , so if you have a stone or two , I could make something really cool . Maybe I can make Mom a necklace for Christmas . " " I 'm sure I have something at home you can work with . If not , maybe we can go rock hunting while you are here . " Beebop looked out his window at the snow and added , " Assuming , of course , that it warms up some , and we aren 't snowed in . " " Speaking of snow , the weather says we could get up to six inches at home . " Nana was surfing the internet with her smartphone and held it up to show them the radar . On it , they could see the snow moving ever closer to their home and it extended out a long way west into Alabama . " Wow , " Beebop said . " I will be glad when we get home and off these roads . " As if to emphasize his concern , the car hit a slick patch and fishtailed a little . Beebop eased off the gas and corrected with a flick of his wrist and the car was back on track . He was relieved that the traffic was light , and they still had plenty of daylight left . Despite the snow and road conditions , they made pretty good time . They stopped to eat and stretch their legs , and then got right back on the road . Again , unseen by the travelers , a flock of ravens eyed them as they walked in and out of the fast food restaurant . As they got out of the North Carolina mountains , the snow lightened considerably , and they were able to move a little faster . Beebop was glad that they could move along . He wanted to could get home and be off the roads before it started snowing hard there . They reached the house just before dark and just before the storm reached them . Aidan and Maggie were excited to see all of the Christmas lights on , and couldn 't wait to get inside and see their presents . They got into the garage and unloaded the car . Nana and Maggie went into the house while Aidan and Beebop shouldered the bags and followed them . Beebop detoured to the third garage where he kept his car , and checked on the Corvette . Satisfied it was okay , he headed to the house . As he walked across the snow - covered lawn , he noticed a number of ravens perched in the trees around the house , their black shapes stark against the white of the snow . He had a funny feeling about them , but with the snow and the wind , he shrugged it off and gratefully went into the mudroom . Nana helped get Maggie unpacked while Beebop helped Aidan , and then they met back in the living room . Beebop built a fire while Nana cooked supper . They ate in the living room so they could be near the fire , listened to the wind howling , and watched as the snow piled up . They finished eating and Beebop did a quick cleanup of the kitchen . He returned to the living room where Aidan and Maggie were inspecting their wrapped presents . " Do the people in Celahir celebrate Christmas ? Not the elves , but the humans like Mr . McGuigan and Siobhan ? " Maggie asked , shaking a brightly wrapped box and giving Aidan a sly look . Aidan suddenly became keenly interested in the present he was holding . " I don 't think so , " Nana said . " Remember that Findecano didn 't even know what we were doing when we said the blessing . I would think if he didn 't know that , then they wouldn 't know about Christmas . What made you think of that ? " " I was just curious . I think about Celahir a lot . " Maggie saw a look of concern cross Nana 's face and added , " I don 't have nightmares like I used to , but I miss our friends there - especially Lucy . " Maggie had a sad little smile on her face . Nana and Beebop exchanged glances before Beebop said , " Not really . We got a letter some months ago from someone that said , ' the Ruby awaits - see you in December . ' I thought I saw Lucy run across the driveway and right after Thanksgiving we thought we might have seen a troll or ogre , but nothing else . Why do you ask ? " " Nothing else ? That seems like an awful lot ! Why didn 't you tell us about the letter ? " Aidan exclaimed , giving his grandparents a reproving look . When they didn 't respond , he continued . " Funny thing about the ravens , " Beebop said . " The trees around the house are full of them . I noticed them when I was coming in from the garage . " " I don 't like that , " Nana said slowly . " I also don 't know if ravens are allied with the Drow . Historically , ravens are thought to be bearers of ill - tidings and evil . That may be due to their all - black plumage or perhaps because they are carrion eaters . I do remember that they were spies for Brendan , so certainly they could be doing similar work for Naesse , " Nana answered thoughtfully , referring to the giant that was guarding the second stone they had recovered . Aidan had defeated Brendan , the giant , in a series of challenges using the power of his gemstones to help him . Brendan had captured Aidan and Siobhan , the red - haired daughter of the local innkeeper that Aidan had a huge crush on , during the last challenge and imprisoned them in his castle . There , Aidan and Siobhan had found Caitrin , Siobhan 's mother , who was also a prisoner in the castle . They escaped their prison and made their way to the top floor of the castle where Naesse inadvertently revealed that he had been lying to Brendan about how Caitrin would come to love him if he just kept her around long enough . Brendan and Aidan ended up fighting with Naesse and Dermot , Brendan 's local muscle that he used to keep the villagers in line . Brendan had given Aidan the Amethyst that Enelya and Elerosse had stolen from the Elven Bow , and then grabbed Naesse , Dermot , and the rest of their henchmen and leaped over the castle wall and into the sea below . Brendan hadn 't been able to swim and he perished rather than put Aidan in any additional danger . Naesse had survived the plunge into the sea , but had been conspicuously absent for a long time after . " Brendan wasn 't all bad - especially at the end . He saved me ! " Aidan protested . " I know , " Nana said soothingly . " In the end , if it hadn 't been for him , you might not be here now . For that , we are forever grateful . But , he did have a history of taking advantage of the villagers . " Aidan nodded , but didn 't like them criticizing Brendan . Beebop glanced at his watch and said cheerfully , " Well , I think that is enough about giants and ravens . It 's about time for everyone to get showers and hit the hay . We can talk more about this in the morning . Besides , we have Christmas shopping to do tomorrow . " Maggie and Aidan grumbled good - naturedly but headed up to their rooms to get ready for bed . Nana went with them , leaving Beebop to turn out the lights and check the alarm . Beebop darkened the lower level of the house and looked out of the window at the front yard . The snow was still coming down heavily and , in the dim glow of the security light , he could see their tire tracks in the drive quickly becoming covered with new snow . He looked a little more closely and saw footprints - very large footprints - leading away from his house and into the woods . He double - checked the alarm and decided he would sleep with his gun right up under the bed tonight . The night passed quietly and Beebop slept a lot better than he thought he would . He got up from the bed early , though , and quietly went downstairs leaving Nana and the children sleeping peacefully . The snow had stopped sometime during the night but the clouds were still hanging low threatening more snow . He turned off the alarm , stepped out onto the screened porch , and looked out at the yard . At least six inches of the white stuff blanketed the ground . Here and there he could see footprints of different small animals disturbing the white landscape . He didn 't see any larger footprints on this side of the house . Shivering in the cold , he went back in the house , started a pot of coffee , and went to look out the front windows . As he looked out the window , he heard footsteps behind him and turned to find Aidan . Aidan looked out the window and then asked , " Who walked across the yard ? Those are big footprints . " Aidan pointed at the prints that Beebop had noticed the night before . Beebop shook his head . " I don 't know . I didn 't see anyone when I noticed the footprints last night . But as big as they are , I somehow don 't think they 're human . " " Hold your horses . We 'll go after breakfast . Whatever made them isn 't out there right now and I 'm hungry . What do you say we whip up some pancakes for Nana and Maggie ? " Aidan nodded and they went off to the kitchen to prepare breakfast . As they were finishing cooking the pancakes , Maggie and Nana wandered down the stairs and into the kitchen . Nana 's eyes lit up when she saw breakfast ready for them . She loved to cook , and loved doing recipes for the blog , but every now and then , she liked it when Beebop cooked for them . He was a fair cook , but it just wasn 't his thing . He could grill the best steak , though , and had even done a guest post on her blog about how he grilled the steaks . " What footprints are you talking about ? " Nana looked at Aidan intensely . Aidan suddenly became very interested in the pancakes on his plate , looked down , and stuffed a forkful into his mouth . With Aidan unable to talk with his mouth full , Nana turned a concerned eye on her husband . " I was going to tell you after breakfast . There are some huge footprints in the yard . I saw them last night , but didn 't see anyone around , and I didn 't want to worry you . I did put my gun under the bed so I could get to it easily , " Beebop said in a placating tone . " I 'm sorry , okay ? I really was going to tell you after breakfast . I think they were probably from the figure we saw the other night . That figure hasn 't proven to be dangerous as of yet , so I decided that it probably wouldn 't be dangerous in weather like we had last night . I had planned to investigate it further this morning . " Beebop looked contritely at his wife and gave her a tentative smile . " Don 't keep things like that from me again . I 'm quite capable of handling it , " Nana said sharply . Beebop knew she could handle it and that he should have told her . He also knew better than to say anything else , so he simply nodded and looked down at his plate again . Maggie and Aidan hid smiles behind their napkins , and continued to eat . After breakfast , Nana cleaned up the kitchen and Beebop and the children put on some warm clothes and coats , gloves , and boots , and headed outside to play in the snow and investigate the footprints . Nana , who had never been a big fan of snow , decided to stay in and do a blog post while they played . She could see them out the window of her office while she worked and saw Aidan and Maggie rolling snow to make the snowman . She couldn 't see Beebop at first , but then he came out of the garage with a couple of old golf clubs - drivers by the look of them . Nana watched Aidan roll a mid - sized snowball into place and then help his sister roll a larger ball onto the first . When they had them arranged , Beebop put the two drivers into the larger snowball with the heads sticking up like feet . He then twisted a scarf around the bottom of the smaller ball and stuck a couple of small fallen limbs in the side for arms . He stood back and admired their handiwork . Aidan and Maggie stared quizzically at the snowman . " See , he looks like he crashed into a snowbank and got stuck and now his feet are sticking up in the air , " Beebop explained . Aidan and Maggie laughed at the explanation and then started throwing snowballs at each other . Beebop watched them run around for a few minutes then strolled off nonchalantly to investigate the footprints . He followed them into the woods for a while until the pines got so dense that not much snow had reached the ground . The prints petered out ; the soft pine straw masking the passage of whomever had made the prints . Beebop looked around cautiously trying to make sure he wasn 't going to be caught by surprise . He did hear a noise behind him , but when he turned he saw Aidan and Maggie making their way through the trees toward him . He waited for them to join him . " Well , let 's be careful then and stay together . Your mother would never forgive me if I let anything happen to you - and I wouldn 't forgive myself , either . " Beebop smiled at his grandchildren and they set off cautiously into the woods . After a solid hour of searching the woods , they hadn 't found another trace of the footprints or much of anything else . It seemed even the small animals were hunkered down after the snow . The only other living things they saw were a flock of birds that were most likely ravens given the size and the color of the birds . The birds were clustered in the top of some of the bare oaks and poplars that were scattered around Beebop 's property and gave off raucous caws as the humans walked around . Getting cold and ready to be back in the warm house , they gave up the search and headed back . As they neared the house they found a fresh set of footprints heading directly toward the back door . These were normal sized prints , but Beebop was concerned since they weren 't expecting guests and there weren 't any vehicles around . He urged Aidan and Maggie ahead of him and they rushed toward the backdoor that led to the mudroom . Without bothering to wipe their feet , they burst through the back door ready for the worst . Instead , they found Nana sitting at the breakfast bar talking animatedly with a tall slender elf named Findecano . Share this : FacebookTwitterLinkedInEmailPinterestGoogleTumblr 2 Responses to The Gemstone Chronicles Sneak Peeks Pingback : The Gemstone Chronicles Book Two : The Amethyst ( an update ) Leave a Reply Cancel reply Your email address will not be published . Required fields are marked * Comment Name * Email * Website Notify me of new posts by email . Notify me of new posts by email . Archives Archives |
It seems nothing in our house is " out of reach " anymore . It used to be that it was perfectly safe to let the little guys up at whatever ungodly hour they decided it was time to be awake , turn on PBS and let them go ( so that you could , ahem , go back to bed ) . Today , it was about 7 a . m . for Sawyer , at which time he proceeded to kick on his door for release . After my busy weekend away , including staying up late and getting up early the day before I drove six hours in the truck , I was still tired . I went back to bed , and stayed there for quite some time . Josh got up just a little while later , when Xander woke up sometime after 8 a . m . And what did he find downstairs this morning after a few hours of unsupervised play ? Not much out of the ordinary . PBS was playing in the background , and Sawyer 's favorite toys were scattered around the living and play rooms . There was , however , the empty M & M dispenser sitting ominously on the dining room table . You see , in my sleep - deprived haste this morning , I had opted against getting Sawyer his milk and dry cereal ( their usual early breakfast ) . He apparently was hungry and decided M & Ms would work just fine . We 're not sure , but we estimate there were maybe 30 left in the dispenser , as it was mostly empty ( thank goodness ) . Oh well , at least he didn 't attempt to put them inside any body parts this time , right ? The last four days were beautiful , in more ways than one . It was a much - needed weekend away from constantly caring for and driving my three little guys , a chance to catch up with a good friend ( and her family ) that I don 't get to see nearly often enough , and a beautiful place to visit . It was also a lot of quiet time ( in the car ) , which I don 't get nearly enough of these days . The visit itself was a series of college tours ( The University of Virginia , Washington & Lee , and Virginia Military Institute ) , history ( Monticello , The Jefferson Vineyards , W & L Museum , VMI Museum ) , lunches and dinners at uniquely local restaurants , and a chance to connect with one of my best and oldest friends . I got to see the room where Edgar Allen Poe lived and wrote in college . I walked on the same floors that Thomas Jefferson once called home . I saw the final resting place of more national heroes than I can recall at this late hour . And I 'm pretty sure I ran a red light or two in this remarkable little town that has traffic lights on little five foot posts on the corners of the street ( that would definitely take some getting used to ) . With more than 350 photos from the weekend , it 's pretty safe to say it was a picture perfect place and time . And lots of other fun things , too . Last Friday , Connor and I met up with our friends Rebekah , John and James at the downtown children 's museum for a morning of fun while the little guys were at school . You might also remember it as the " boat school , " which is how Connor always references it . We started out in the toddler area , which is contained . The boys all got wet , but that 's to be expected ( or it is now anyway , since I didn 't think to mention it to Rebekah beforehand ) . Connor enjoyed hoarding all the toys . John was pretty happy with a toy shark , and little James had the most fun - drinking all the water out of a cup ! It was quite cute , though I 'm sure he had a pretty soggy diaper by the end of the morning ! We eventually left the safety of the contained area and spent the rest of our time chasing after three little boys who never seemed to be interested in the same thing at all ! There was some time with the fresh market and the John Deere Gator , where of course they all wanted to drive . There was time on the horses and with the boats on the river display ( hence , " the boat school " ) . And we even made it upstairs , to watch balls circle the vortex , step on the " Big " piano , and watch our shadows on the wall . The boys walked on the moon and rode in a spaceship , they played with a maze game on the side of the wall . And finally , they played with bubbles . John is pictured above , making a bubble around himself and blowing it out . There are several different areas and the waterproof flooring is always covered in a soapy film from all the fun . It 's actually a pretty cool place , if you 've never been . I 'm pretty sure all the boys would recommend it to you . And with all the contained areas , it 's also parent friendly ( special thanks to Miss April who recommended it to us , back in the days of developmental therapy ! ) Monticello , the house of Thomas Jefferson , reflected in the water . This weekend I 'm in Virginia , visiting my old college roommate and her family . Today was a girls ' day to Charlottesville , where we toured the University of Virginia ( where Haley received her doctorate , defending her dissertation while nine months pregnant , no less ) . We stopped for lunch at the Biltmore Grill at The Corner on campus . And no trip to the area would be complete without stopping by the historic sites . Our first stop was a visit to Monticello , where we toured the house and grounds . We drove past Ash Lawn - Highland , the home of James Monroe . And we even stopped by the Jefferson Winery for a little wine tasting and souvenir shopping ( wine and glasses counts , right ? ) . We finished our day by heading down to the Downtown Mall where we took in the sights and shops . The rain eventually scared us off , so we headed back to the car and did some shopping and another meal out . We completely took advantage of David , who was back home with baby Claire . Good man that he is , he didn 't seem to mind . A long , but good day of visiting and sight - seeing . We 're going way back this week , as in half of my life back , in honor of Spring Break ! This is me at 15 , if you can believe it . This was my first and favorite real bikini . I , of course , got it the year after my brother graduated , and I was no longer following him and his very cute older friends on their annual baseball trip to Florida . So it goes . . . ( Spring Break 1993 ) Tonight was a first . Connor and I simultaneously packed our respective bags . We 're both leaving for the weekend , but we 're headed in different directions . Spring Break is here , which means all the kids are out of school after tomorrow for a whole week . And like any other period of time where Connor doesn 't have school ( you know , the kind you pay for ) , he has plans . Big plans . And so do I . That leaves Josh and the little guys at home to fend for themselves for a few days . Grandma and Grandpa are coming up tomorrow for Connor . He will go back and spend a few days at the lake with them , and then they will all go off on another mountain adventure early next week . And do you want to know the first thing my son said , when he heard about the mountain part ( a recently added bonus to the overall trip ) ? I had casually mentioned he was going to take his life jacket on this trip - he 's been asking for weeks about taking it to the lake . You see , he 's ready to go boating again . He cannot stop talking about Grandpa 's boat in the basement ( which is also their garage ) . It 's not quite that warm in our part of the world yet , but there will be a pool in the mountains . So I told him he would get to go swimming at the pool . And what was his response ? " No , not the pool . Not yet . I ride race cars first ! Go really fast ! " Ah , yes . We must have our priorities . And for him , the mountains means several things . Race cars , obviously . Swimming pools . Playgrounds . Popcorn and coke . Full , undivided attention and play buddies in Grandma and Grandpa . Trolley rides . Good times , essentially . And I 'm sure Grandma and Grandpa will be accommodating . He can be sweet and charming when he wants to be , after all , and he 's a grandson . You 're supposed to spoil them , right ? So that 's Connor 's adventure . My adventure just happens to fall at the same time . It is that blessed and rare opportunity to have a weekend away . All by myself . I 'm going to visit my old college roommate , Haley , and her family for the weekend . I have a six hour drive both ways that will include Posted by My four - year old has long loved breakfast . Bacon , sausage , pancakes , eggs , you name it and he will devour it . It 's nothing for him to eat four or five pieces of bacon at a time , in addition to his eggs and other foods . He can also put away at least three pieces of sausage in one sitting . He likes his breakfast . It should come as no surprise that today when I asked him what he wanted for lunch , he said eggs . Lunch has become a somewhat special affair these days , with the little guys in school now , it 's just the two of us . We sometimes go out , but more often than not we come home and we make a special treat out of it . So I asked him again , just to be sure . Sometimes he does just start naming every food he can think of ( he 's four , you know ) . But no , he definitely wanted eggs . Fried ones , not scrambled . So I shrugged my shoulders and said why not . I got out the small frying pan and made us some eggs . We had some leftover sausage in the refrigerator from a few nights ago , and some leftover cinnamon rolls from this morning ( he usually doesn 't wake up in time to eat much before he has to be at school at 9 ) . And that was lunch . He ate two whole pieces of sausage , most of two eggs , two cinnamon rolls and a big glass of chocolate milk . It could have been worse , you know . We 've all been on a Dr . Seuss kick lately , what with his recent birthday meaning books on sale and lessons at school , and I bet you can guess his favorite one of all . Yes . Green Eggs and Ham . Like I said , it could have been worse . I 'm pretty sure I don 't have any green food coloring just laying around . And I 'm also pretty sure than when it came down to it , he probably wouldn 't really eat green eggs or green ham . Last night , Josh took Connor to his swim lessons . I think he sometimes feels left out of the fun parts of parenting , you know , with the whole working all the time and worrying about supporting all of us . So naturally , on his night , he comes home with the best story of all . The kids were going along well with their swimming lessons . There are six in the class , three girls and three boys ( including Connor ) . Suddenly , one of the little boys decides he needs to potty . So he does . He stands up on the edge of the pool , pulls his shorts down , and proceeds to pee into the pool - right where all the other kids are ! The instructor is young , either late high school or early college probably , and probably was at a loss of what exactly to do . She simply moved the class down to a " cleaner " area of the kiddie pool and continued on . Points for composure , I guess . And , of course , this indoor pool is so heavily chlorinated that it probably didn 't really hurt anything , but still . Yuck . Apparently the boy got chastised and removed by his mother , who came shortly thereafter , obviously from somewhere within view ( the pool is in a large fitness facility with lots of glass separating it from the other areas , so she could have been watching but not necessarily close enough to stop his little trick ) . That 's what I missed . And I 'm not exactly sorry I wasn 't there . Because last time , I waded in the edges and let Connor swim for a while after lessons . I don 't think I would have been up for that last night . It didn 't bother Connor though , because he played on as usual . He tough that way . Sleepyhead , that is . This is his usual sleep position , sucking on his thumb and clutching the sheet in a tight grip in his free hand . Did I mention that this one often has trouble waking up and getting ready before preschool beings . . . at 10 : 35 in the morning . He gets that naturally of course , since both of his parents enjoy sleeping in as often as they can manage it . And if you 're wondering how on earth I managed an aerial shot of my sleepyhead , it 's because you 've never been to our house . His room , also known as the former guest bedroom , has an open wall where the steps go to the third floor bonus room from the hallway . You can sneak up the steps and peek in on him without actually going into his room ! And all their clothes come off , apparently . Actually , last night the boys had spaghetti for dinner . They fed themselves . And they were only wearing their short sleeve white t - shirts , because it had gotten warm late in the day and they were overdressed . So this was the result . Josh was in charge of the little guys dinner last night ( I was busy setting up his Facebook page , and mine , so we could see his brother 's adventures in Hawaii ) . He thought stripping them down was the smartest thing to do , since they were covered in spaghetti sauce from head to toe . The clothes are still upstairs soaking . Just in case . ( Yes , they were that red with sauce ) . Oh , and points if you know which twin is sitting and which one is tip - toeing ( Hint , look at the legs ) . My four - year old is Mr . Personality . No , really . His new catch phrase is " I sorry " and it usually prefaces another snide comment . It is also accompanied by his characteristic shoulder shrug . So , here is one example from yesterday afternoon while playing with our neighbor . In the way that kids often do , it appeared that both were trying to one - up each other on everything that was said . I had asked Carmen about her school and she was telling us her teacher 's name . Connor listened intently to everything that she said and was usually quick to respond with something of his own . To her teacher 's name , he offered the following : " I sorry , " insert shoulder shrug and his most condescending look ever here . " My teachers are Miss Julie and Miss Crystal . " And the tone implied that they are , in fact , the best teachers ever and your teacher cannot remotely compare . Carmen tried to tell us about her friends that she plays with at school , doing a rather cute little made - up cheer of all their names . My son , also listening again , added the following : " I sorry , my friends are Ashton and Bennett and Kyler . " Again with the shoulder shrug and look of contempt for her friends . He even said it twice , as if for emphasis . He also employs this unfortunate little tactic with us . Now that he 's outsmarted the child proof door knobs , he has access to all of the gum and candy that is stored in what used to be the safety of the pantry . Every morning we come down to find him happily chomping on a piece of gum . And in the interest of full disclosure , he actually doesn 't do any harm with it . He merely chews it and then spits it in the trashcan . But , he 's also been told that he must ask first to get anything out of the pantry . Cup of milk from the refrigerator , yes . Anything in the pantry , no . He knows this . He had gum again this morning , and upon being questioned , his response was as follows : " I sorry , " ( shoulder shrug - I think it 's automatic at this point ) . " I just needed some chewing gum . " Whatever he 's doing , especially if he 's doing something that he notPosted by Life doesn 't get any better . I know there were lots of photos from our trips ( yes , plural ) to the park this week , but this one was far and away my favorite . He loved this swing ( truth be told , so does Mommy ) , and he spent a lot of time just twisting and turning and begging to go faster and higher . That 's what childhood is all about , that look of pure joy on his face . Early rise . Just one more reason I hate the time change . I 'm up before the fog clears and the sun rises ( and if you know me , you know I 'm not a morning person ) . Loved the photo though , with the sun filtering through the trees and the fog , and how nice that we live in a typical subdivision with about 10 feet between houses and still have this view out the front of our house ( that field will eventually be houses or condos or something , I 'm sure , but not in this economy ) . Today we took the boys out to enjoy the nice weather . It wasn 't quite the 70s of last week , but it wasn 't too bad with their sweatshirts on . First , we all took a walk around the block . And shock of all shocks , Sawyer led the way . Either Xander wasn 't feeling like himself , or having Daddy along prodded Sawyer more than I ever could . Because he kept the lead the whole time , even factoring in all of his stops and backtracks to check out the particularly reflective windows and doors ( his favorite part of the walk , of course ) . Second , the boys and I spent a few hours outside in the yard on the play set . And they even got a special treat , as our neighbors were out and their little girl started watching the boys through the fence . She covets the boys ' play set , so we invited her over to enjoy the afternoon with us . Connor always likes it when she comes over to play . She 's older , by about two years , so she 's a bit advanced for our boys . But Connor likes to follow her around and play whatever games she suggests . He did get a bit tired trying to catch her in their multiple games of tag , so he eventually quit on her mid - game . But he had fun , following her to the swings and the slide and the rings . Xander pretty much ignored her , except when she got a little pushy with the rings he was playing with at the time . He , of course , pushed right back . Never mind that she 's a lot taller and bigger than he is , he couldn 't have cared less . We 're going to have some issues with his temper , I think , as he gets older . But the biggest shock of all was Sawyer 's reaction to her . He loved having her over . He kept walking up to her and hugging on her , which I 've never seen him do with anyone . He was like a lovesick teenager , grinning at her every time that he saw her come into view . And he even tried to pinch on her , one of his unusual signs of affection ( that most people aren 't real fond of , since the little guy is pretty strong ) . Carmen took it all in stride , letting him hug and pinch to his heart 's content and even encouraging him . She has a baPosted by The older Connor gets , the more things he can do . And that 's a good thing , most of the time . For instance , he 's completely potty trained . Oh , how we wish his little brothers would show any interest in that . He can get himself up and downstairs to play in the morning without assistance . The little guys are still locked in , just because they don 't understand danger as well , and we 're worried about them doing things like playing on the steps or in the laundry room or the bathrooms . But not Connor , he 's learned that as long as he behaves , he can have a bit of freedom . He can even get himself a drink out of the refrigerator ( if we 've left a sippy cup in the right place ) . He 's very good about putting his cup back in when he 's finished , simply because he likes being a big boy who can get in and out of the refrigerator . Of course , it also means he can pick up an open Coke and help himself ( and trust me , he does ) . So , the down side is that at the ripe old age of four , basically all of the child safety devices have become useless . The door knob covers , he knows how to squeeze and turn ( and these sometimes baffle the childless adults who visit our house and try to get in the bathroom ) . The upside is he can potty all by himself even while we keep the doors closed to keep his brothers from playing in there during the day . The bad news is he can open the pantry and get into the chewing gum or the toys that used to be off limits . He can also open the door into the garage , to " check on things , " as he likes to tell us . He also knows how to open all the baby gates ( and climb over the ones that don 't open ) . He knows to pull a chair over to something he can 't reach and climb up . He can answer the phone , and often does if no one is around to stop him . He knows just about everything ( at least he thinks so , anyway ) ! One by one , he 's pretty much got it all figured out . And while he 's pretty good about minding most of the time , there are those other moments . . . just what we need to make our life more interesting , right ? How long before we cPosted by Yes , he still gives us that look a lot . It 's the " Do what I want , now ! " look . ( March 20 , 2005 ) If you happen to live near us and you heard screaming tonight , please don 't be alarmed . You see , my big boy has discovered that he can climb to the top of the fence in our yard . What he doesn 't do so well , is come back down . After yesterday 's adventure , he jumped down and got a hand full of splinters ( okay , two fingers , but there are probably at least 10 total splinters in those two fingers ) . He complained about it at the time , but was easily distracted by playing and eating snacks . He remembered it today , and it actually looked worse . So , we gave him an extra long bath to soak in , and then Daddy attempted to remove the splinters first with tweezers and second with nail clippers ( they 're all fairly close to the top of the skin , but unfortunately right in the bend of his fingers ) . Some came out . Some didn 't . There were lots of tears and lots of screams ( really loud and really pitiful ones ) . Of course , most of the screams came in anticipation of what was to come rather than what was actually taking place . We settled for getting about half out tonight . We 'll try another long bath and extraction again tomorrow . What we did get was a tearful promise not to climb on the fence any more . And a tearful recap . " Daddy cut my fingers . It hurts . I cried . " He told me this , as though I hadn 't been sitting beside of him through the entire ordeal ( helping to restrain him from jerking said hand away ) . It was rather pitiful to watch him , even though we knew he was more scared than actually in pain . It was also hard not to laugh , because he kept jerking his hand away and said " Just leave them in ! I like them in ! " in the most pitiful of screams you have ever heard . Poor kid . I really don 't think he 'll be climbing any fences , at least not for a while . But we 'll take what we can get . Another beautiful day in our part of the world , though it 's supposed to drop about 20 degrees tomorrow . We enjoyed it while it lasted . Connor and I met up with Aunt Kelly at the park this morning while the little guys were in school ( two days in a row , I know , we 're really not helping his entitlement issues at all ) . He spent nearly three hours playing ( we did take a break for some KFC picnic lunch ) . Some of my favorite photos of all the boys , enjoying our afternoon in the yard on the playset ( after we picked up the little guys from school ) , are below . Special thanks to Grandma and Grandpa at the lake for the boys new summer shirts - we broke them in for this beautiful weather today ( the shorts will have to wait a bit longer , I 'm afraid ) ! Ring man . Still going strong late in the day , even after hours and hours of playing and no down time ( much less a nap ) ! SawBaby , thinking about swinging . He LOVES to swing , just not by himself . And Mommy 's hips are just a little too wide for the kid swings , so he only gets to enjoy it in brief moments . Another ring man . He actually stays on the slide most of the time , but every once in a while , he comes over for a little hang time . He also likes to swing with Mommy , if her hips are willing ! Here 's hoping your afternoon was just as much fun ! While the babies are away ( at school ) , Connor will play . . . At the bottom of the fast slide . . . Being cute . . . Coming down the really fast slide . . . Another fast one ( just a lot smaller ) . . . On top of the world ( or a play airplane ) . . . It was a beautiful day in our part of the world , and Connor and I decided a trip to the park was in order . The little guys still had an hour of school , and we had an hour to ourselves . These are the days . . . Today after school ( yes , the little guys made it through the whole day for a change ) , the boys and I headed over to visit with one of my old friends and her two kids . Connor was excited from the moment I mentioned we might be going over to play with Bailey and Jake . He didn 't stop asking about them until we pulled into their driveway , and even then he was still impatient . Of course , he wouldn 't hardly talk to them for the first 10 minutes after we got there , but he eventually warmed up . Bailey is just a little bit younger than he is , she turns four in a couple of weeks . And the two are so much alike that it 's a wonder they can get along , but they do . I think they take turns bossing each other around , because both like to have things their own way . They spent most of the afternoon upstairs in Bailey 's room , doing who knows what , and only came downstairs every once in a while , probably to make sure we weren 't having more fun than they were with the rest of the kids . My favorite was when they pulled out the play guitars and started chanting " I 'm in a rock band ! " over and over again while they pretended to play their guitars . Very cute . Jake was such a cutie , walking around alternately banging on his drums for much of the time saying " Bop ! Bop ! Bop ! " or shaking his maracas . He was content to either follow Bailey and Connor around or simply to play with his mom while we sat around and talked . My little guys were in awe of all the toys in the play room - how many they had all in one place and all the different ones that we don 't have at our house . Sawyer was content to stack up Play - Doh containers , play with their magnetic letters ( imagine that ) and play with a big ( for him anyway ) exercise ball . Xander was into the trains ( when Bailey and Connor gave it up to go upstairs ) , the exercise ball , some gears that turned on a magnetic board , and occasionally the maracas , if he could catch them when Jake put them down . It was a fun , if a little loud , afternoon . It 's always good to let the kids play with other people their own agePosted by Two of the three like to fly . Connor thought it looked like fun , too , but when it came to his turn , he held on for dear life ( to Daddy 's shirt ) . And please ignore the birthday balloon on the ceiling - it 's been there since Josh 's birthday in early February . It will eventually float down ( we hope ) . " No pat brothers , " he huffed at me . " That 's not very nice ! " The boys and I were on our way home from the other side of the state , having celebrated my grandmother 's 93rd birthday this weekend . We had stopped about midway home , to get some gas in the truck , and I was trying to get a drink out of the cooler that was sitting in front of Sawyer . And he thought it was fun to kick Mommy the whole time she was trying to get her drink ( not exactly helpful ) . So the " pat " was actually a swat at his little leg , you know , the one that kept kicking me even after several verbal requests to stop . The verbal didn 't do so much . The " pat " did . He stopped kicking and started whimpering . And that 's where big brother stepped in . " No pat brothers . That 's not very nice ! Be nice to brothers ! " Mommy looked at him and explained that sometimes Mommy does " pat " her boys , especially when they 're doing something that 's not very nice and when they won 't stop when Mommy asks them to . Like when they 're doing things that are hurtful to others ( say kicking them ) or when they 're not listening and minding the people who are taking care of them . That one hit home , I 'm sure . Last weekend Grammy told us a story about Connor . On their trip to the zoo , he was having a hard time listening to Grammy . He kept wandering off , which was scary since the zoo was extremely crowded ( first warm Saturday of the season ) and they also had Great Grandma Kitty with them , who was in a wheel chair for such a long journey . Grammy had to " pat him on the bottom " and he didn 't think too much of that at all . I believe his exact words ( quoted by Grammy ) were : " Grammy no pat Connor on the bottom . It 's not nice to pat on the bottom . Grammy be nice ! " And through it all , you must see the pitiful face that accompanies such words . There 's the pouty lower lip and the really big , sad eyes . And the normally loud voice turns soft and sad . Oh , he 's good at , let me tell you . But don 't let him fool you . The minute he gets his way he 's back to doing what you just asked him not to do . And if you 're woPosted by It 's been a rough week for our two little school boys ( and for Mommy ) ! Today is the second day I opted to keep them home this week , not counting the days they came home early ( which would mean four incomplete days out of five ) . This morning , they slept in until after 9 a . m . again , and Xander was dragging even after coming downstairs at that late hour . They eventually both started snacking and playing , almost as though it was just too early to be awake . Xander still has a cough , but otherwise both seemed well . But I decided better safe than sorry . Why not give them the weekend and see if they can get rid of their lingering colds once and for all and just start fresh . It has to be better than having them at school being miserable and making everyone around them miserable , too . I only worry about what this week has done to them and hope that it hasn 't taught them the lesson that if you complain loud and long enough , you can go home . Xander has fought school from the beginning , only recently settling into a pretty decent routine . Will this week set him back ? Sawyer has been absolutely loving it once he got used to being dropped off , eager and excited when I tell them it 's time to go in the mornings . Will that excitement come back any time soon , or at all ? Who knows . I do know that they have not particularly enjoyed their day at home today . Let 's just say it involved several things that they 're not fond of - liking trimming their hair , cutting their nails ( fingers and toes ) , and cleaning their ears - all things that require a lot of restraints in order to be accomplished . Once I saw that they were eating and playing just like normal , I decided why not . It needed to be done , and maybe , just maybe , they would think going back to school might not be all that bad . Good times . The first baby of the family , Buster Brown , who turned six yesterday . We still get that pitiful look , only it 's on a much larger head now . He was 12 lbs . when we first got him . Now he 's about 165 lbs . , and that 's small for a male English Mastiff ! ( April 25 , 2003 , his first day home ) We took the wait and see approach with Sawyer today , thinking he might snap out of it his bad mood after lunch when they started on activities that he usually enjoys . Not so much . His teacher called back shortly after lunch and he was still not happy and giving her a hard time ( basically wanting to be held and bounced , you know , the whole time ) . I decided better safe than sorry and went back to get him . And since I was there , I checked on Xander and found him half - asleep in his class . So , they both came home early again ( rather than me coming back 35 minutes later to get Xander at normal pick - up time , with an unhappy Sawyer in tow ) . And then they both tried to play once we got home . Mommy was having none of it . If we come home early from school for not feeling well , then we nap . It took Xander a little while , but he eventually fell asleep . Sawyer was mad that I left his room , but he , too , fell asleep within less than 30 minutes of our arrival . And they slept . And slept . For five hours . Xander would have kept sleeping , if I hadn 't woken him up . Sawyer may have went back to sleep , because he was also still laying in bed ( though jabbering , which is how I knew someone had woken up in the first place ) . Then they came downstairs and snacked ( dry cereal and juice ) . And played . They passed on most of their dinner , but requested more snacks ( more dry cereal and juice ) a short while later . Then they played some more . They were not ready to go back to bed , at 9 p . m . , several hours past their usual bedtime ( since they usually don 't nap ) . They did anyway . And I still don 't know the right answer . Are they still sick ? Are they just trying to get out of going to school ? Some combination of both ? With the way they were behaving after their nap today , I would say they were fine . But that ridiculously long nap ? Sick , tired , the time change , overwhelmed by their new schedule of school every day . . . who knows . Tomorrow we start again , and we see what the day brings . Yesterday it was Xander who wasn 't happy to be at school . Today it was Sawyer . His little face puckered up the minute he saw me getting back into the truck and apparently he didn 't stop crying until lunch time , over an hour later . Of course , Xander may feel the same way , I haven 't talked to his teacher today . Yet . One of the hardest things about the twins is their lack of communication . It 's so hard to guess what they 're feeling and what they 're going to be willing to do . Yes , I know that both of them are recovering from being sick . Fevers over the weekend and a lingering cough and cold through the week . And I 've struggled every day about whether they should or shouldn 't go to school . Part of me says I cannot keep them home every time they have a cold , because then they would never , ever go to school . They seem to keep some cold symptom all winter long , whether it 's a runny nose or a cough . Part of me worries about making them worse and getting the other people sick , too . In the end , I keep sending them . Mostly because they seem fine when they are at home . They eat and drink and play . Those have always been my cues of when they 're really not feeling well . First they stop eating , sometimes they avoid milk or drinking altogether , and then they stop playing . They 're just kind of there , and pitiful . They 've been none of those things this week . Their appetites are still not what I would call normal , but they 're eating . They 've been drinking , including milk . And they 've been playing just like any other normal day . But get them both to school , and they seem to be shutting down . Protest of school ? Well enough to play at home but not at school ? Sick or stubborn ? I just don 't know anymore . They 're still there right now , but who knows what the afternoon will bring . And what are they learning , except that if they cry enough someone comes and takes them back home ( where they often jump down , grin and start playing ) ! So it goes . Just another day in the life . . . In case you were wondering , they both went to school today . There were no phone calls or early pick - ups . There were no notes of problems or illness . One of them , however , was screaming as he made his way out to the car pool area . Guess which one ? Another Tuesday , another night at the pool . Connor was still shy with his teacher and his class at first , not moving off the edge of the wall for the first 5 minutes . He quickly caved , the call of the water too tempting , and was jumping off the wall with a big splash ( over and over and over again ) . We also stayed for a bit after , just to let him play a little more ( 30 minute lessons are not nearly long enough , he insists ) . These two were my favorite . He loves to wait for the buckets to dump water down . . . Waiting with his swim board . . . Ducking and covering when the water actually starts to fall ( and how cool is it that my new camera actually caught it mid - fall ! ) So , the kids seemed better this morning . Even after a rough night , which mostly involved them being somewhere they simply did not wish to be . Last night was a farewell dinner , of sorts , for Uncle Luke . He 's moving to Hawaii next week , pursuing a life - long dream . We went to Grammy and Pappy 's for dinner , and also to pick Connor back up ( who had been enjoying a really long extended vacation with Grammy , Pappy and Aunt Kelly ) . The little guys were not in the mood . And by not in the mood , I mean they were ridiculously whiny and pitiful . Xander wanted to be held and rocked only by me , and then promptly fell sound asleep . Despite the noise that continued from his brother . Sawyer threw one of the worst fits we 've seen from him in a really , really long time . Over an hour of crying and screaming and attempting to drag us to the door to leave before he , too , finally gave in and fell sound asleep , clutching on to Mommy for dear life even in his sleep . So , they seemed better this morning . Sawyer was awake at around 8 : 30 a . m . , which felt ungodly early thanks to the recent time change . As soon as I went into his room , he took my hand and started leading me down the hallway and down the stairs . He was ready to play . He went for his magnetic letters and was content to play and drink his juice ( no milk , just in case ) . Xander was a different story . He slept in until I woke him about 9 : 45 a . m . He wanted to be carried downstairs ( not all that uncommon for my sleepyhead ) , but then proceeded to lay down on the cold wood floor and just look pitiful . For about 15 minutes . Then he was up , dragging me to the refrigerator and requesting milk ( which I wasn 't so sure about given the laying on the floor like a sick person act he 'd just given me ) . But he pushed away both types of juice and Sprite ( just in case ) . He wanted milk . And he proceeded to drink to full sippy cups , without incident . He also ate some of the dry cereal I had offered . He eventually found the magnetic letters and was playing like normal . I was torn . Were they well enough for scPosted by Three boys . Three classrooms . Roughly 50 chances to bring sickness back into our house . It started sometime on Saturday , when I noticed that the little guys ' temperatures were running a bit higher than normal . That , in an of itself , is not uncommon and not much cause for alarm . But add to it their lack of energy and their lack of appetite , and it wasn 't looking very good . They spent most of yesterday either sleeping or sitting , neither of which is normal for them . They also maybe had two glasses of juice each . And nothing else . Today they are on the mend . They 're drinking a bit more , even sampling a few foods here and there . There are moments of play in between the moments of resting . And they 're jabbering again . Good signs , all . We 'll have to wait and see if they 're ready for school tomorrow . I kept them home today , not wanting to make them any worse or risk getting the other kids sick either . It 's a vicious cycle , I 'm sure . . . Two of my boys playing in the sunlight . A third , rather annoying one , is blurred out on the left . Connor just couldn 't stand Xander getting more attention than he was , so he kept edging into the photo despite repeated requests to move ( and the numerous shots I had just taken of him a few minutes before ) . Xander has become interested in Buster all of the sudden , and he keeps climbing up on his back like a horse ( not exactly a good idea , since he 's already had two ACL surgeries on those back knees , but at least he 's laying down ) . And thank goodness he 's a " gentle giant , " who has never minded the random torture of three little boys who like to climb and poke and pull at times . I actually took this photo last Sunday , but didn 't get around to downloading or editing the images until Monday . And it 's been hard to hold it all week , because I loved the final result so much ! Five family members . Three different locations . Josh has been away at his annual boys ' weekend for a fitness conference and UFC fight . Connor talked his way into an extended vacation with Grammy , Pappy and Aunt Kelly ( or perhaps Daddy , feeling guilty , talked them into it ) . That left the little guys stuck at home with Mommy , except for today 's visit to the lake . Divide and conquer , right ? We got to enjoy the weather and visit with Grandma and Grandpa for the afternoon . Here are the two best shots of the day . . . Love that careless expression . He had a big time just climbing and sitting on Grandpa 's three - wheeler ( or actually , Mommy and Uncle Brian 's old three - wheeler from a long ago Christmas gift ) . Of course , it probably would have freaked him out if we 'd actually started it . Xander still doesn 't think much of the camera . This was the best I could get of him . Most of the ones in good sunlight were of the back of his head . Here , he was waiting to go back inside the basement and find another ball or toy to bring out . He wasn 't too impressed with the three - wheeler ( and Sawyer didn 't give him much of a chance anyway ) . As the boys get a little bit older , the strollers are becoming more and more obsolete . Don 't get me wrong , we still use them quite a bit , especially when it 's necessary to contain them ( like for running errands , trips to the pediatrician 's office , or taking the puppy for his walk ) . But , if you give them their choice , they prefer to walk . And when we can , we encourage that . Sooner or later , they 're going to have to learn to listen when we say things like " wait " or " slow down " or " come on " - they will eventually outgrow the strollers altogether . The only bad thing about letting them walk is that the two little guys , while pretty much identical on the outside , have totally opposite personalities , especially when it comes to walking . Xander is always really excited to go for a walk , and he walks as fast as his little legs will carry him . He 's usually several yards ahead and is constantly asked to " wait " or " slow down " so that his brother can catch up . He doesn 't do so patiently . It 's just not in him , with his quick flash of temper and constant energy . Sawyer also loves to walk , but like so many things , he likes to do it in his own time and in his own way . He 's slower , taking time to look around and study things a bit more . He also likes to back track , to go back and see things once or twice more before he moves on . He is especially partial to the way light reflects off of glass , like storm doors or windows . He cannot get enough . All while Xander continues to pace away . It 's hard to reconcile those differences . And it won 't always be just in the walk around the block . Sometimes I 'm a bit envious of one of my boys . He just goes and goes and goes , all day long . And then he stops , dead in his tracks , just stops . And it 's amazing to watch it happen . I would love to have just a fraction of that energy , that ability to be constantly on the go and alert , doing and moving from ungodly hours in the morning until late in the day . He generally wakes up before the rest of us , dancing and jabbering in his room . The minute you open up his door , he comes bouncing down the hall and the stairs and heads straight for one of his favorite toys ( this morning , it was the magnetic letters ) . He dances and plays and doesn 't sit down for a minute ( which will probably be one of his biggest trials at school ) . He rarely naps . He hardly sits , except to eat . He 's constantly in motion . And he just keeps going and going until it all comes crashing to a stop . Tonight was later than some nights . He has been known to fall asleep at the dinner table on particularly long days . But tonight it was going on 9 when I got the little guys cleaned up and into their rooms for bed time . He played right up until the end , even after getting up shortly after 6 this morning and going without a nap . After I put his pajamas on , he climbed right into bed , found his favorite spot ( on top of the two pillows at the head of the bed ) , and started falling . Asleep , that is . You can always see it with him . It starts with a wide - eyed expression , a bit of a blank stare . It 's fleeting , and then it 's gone . Within seconds , his eyes are closed and he 's down for the count . Lights , sounds , movement . Doesn 't affect him at all . He 's out cold . I think I 'd read one page of his Dr . Seuss board book ( so maybe five words ) . If that . Xander was still bouncing on the bed beside him ( since I was solo tonight , I got them dressed and read their story together before I took Xander to his new room ) . Nothing . Out cold . And he hasn 't moved a muscle since , nearly three hours later . Wouldn 't you love to have that energy ? And then enjoy that immediate release . No worriePosted by Sawyer was the first one up today ( as Mommy had her camera out and ready , he knew swinging was not going to happen , not just yet anyway ) ! Xander followed close behind ( he couldn 't care less about the camera , he just loves to slide ) . And the " take my picture " kid of the family , Connor , couldn 't stand to be left out . He was practically pushing Xander up the ladder so he could get his turn and have his picture taken . Three boys . Three almost identical shots . That 's what happens when you just know what 's going to happen . . . monkey see , monkey do . " It 's share time ! " he says , very forcefully and exaggerating the " share " part of it . " No tell me hush , time to talk , it 's share time ! " Somehow , some way , he 's using " share time " from school - where the kids bring in an item to talk about during circle time every day - to justify his need for non - stop talking . I don 't even want to know how the connection was made . Perhaps because he 's not nearly as talkative at school as he is at home . Or perhaps because he 's asked and expected to talk at that time . In passing , I once asked his teacher if she had trouble keeping him quiet during class , thinking this might be an area where he would need work . She stared at me blankly , as if I had said something so completely ridiculous she wasn 't sure she heard me correctly . She recovered , then told me that they didn 't have that problem with him , that he actually had to be prompted into talking . Prompted ! This from the boy who never , ever stops talking at home , or in the car , or in the grocery or anywhere except school , apparently . And don 't think that I don 't see the irony . I absolutely do . One child who talks as though it 's more essential than breathing . Two who are completely uninterested in talking ( at least with words ) . One child who we constantly beg for just a few minutes of peace , only to hear things like this . . . " No tell me hush , time to talk , it 's share time ! " And two who we would give almost anything to hear words from . Not a lot , mind you . Just a few , every once in a while , that would be nice . Sometimes it all just comes together . Today , my three boys , none of whom think taking a nap is something they should do anymore , all came home tired ( about 2 p . m . , when we were bringing the little guys home from school ) . Sawyer had actually fallen asleep at school , which was not unexpected , as he was awake very early this morning dancing in his room . He even let me carry him upstairs and put him in bed when we got home , which he usually fights , even if he is tired or has been sleeping at school . And Xander and Connor both went willingly upstairs to lay down , which shows how tired they both were . So , they all slept . At the same time . For the first time in I don 't know how long . And , one of my movies from Netflix had just arrived in the mail today . The house is still quiet , two hours and a movie later . One large batch of home - made chocolate chip cookies later ( I found the recipe here - and they are delicious ) . They 're just cooling , mind you , I haven 't actually eaten a whole batch ! Not yet , anyway . Who knows what the night will bring . After all , everything comes at its price . You can 't get afternoon naps without pushing back bedtime . And for Sawyer , that push back time may be well into the early hours of the morning . So it goes . . . Because , clearly , he 's afraid of the water . That blur would be him . Legs in the air , a little bit of blue swimming trunks near the water , and a red swim shirt already submerged head first . As you can see , we 're more afraid of the fact that he has absolutely no fear of the water , even though he 's a self - taught dog - paddler who barely keeps his head above water and is prone to jumping in whether anyone is there to help him or not . Let 's just say that the first words the instructor said to us were that he was Level II , not the Level I in which he was enrolled . But , since Level II is already full , he is allowed to stay and she will just work with him on a more advanced level so that we can skip Level II and move to Level III next time . My water baby . I should have known , but after reading the class descriptions I just wasn 't sure . He would either be one of the more advanced in Level I or one of the least advanced in Level II . And he 's shy at first , so I was worried he might need to work up to it . But , as you can see from the photo above , not so much . He was hesitant with his teacher at first , but before long he was jumping in every time she turned her back ( instead of sitting on the wall like he was supposed to be doing , you know , taking turns ) . All in all , not a bad first time for lessons . He needs to learn to listen to his teacher and to not be a distraction while she 's working with the others . I mean , really , there are only four other kids in the class . That 's not asking for much patience . But I 'm not four , so maybe it is . One down . Five more to go , at least for this round . He seems to like it , and is only sad that it doesn 't last longer than 30 minutes . Perhaps we 'll have to go early next time , so he can play a little before . Perhaps . . . if he 's good ( which he hasn 't been lately ) . " Es - sa ! " ( translated , " S " ! ) In terms of actual words , he still doesn 't say a whole lot for his age . You hear the occasional " No , no , no ! " and " Yes , yes , yes ! " ( which are extremely cute in their own way , especially now that he 's using them in the appropriate context , you know , if repetitively counts ) . You also hear a random word here and there , often one much more complex than you would expect for someone who doesn 't really , well , talk . But , here lately , he 's been fascinated with letters ( obsessed , really ) . He knows all the upper letters by sight and some of the lower case letters , too . He can also say them in order , on days when he is so inclined , all the way from A to Z . Here lately , he 's been doing something else . He walks around spelling words . Out loud . It 's nothing to hear " sh - S - H - O - E - shu " or " F - R - I - E - N - D - fa - nd " from him . He also says / spells " music " and " canoe " and " boat " and " pie " as well . He doesn 't try to say all of them , but does try to say some of them . " Shoe " is far and away his favorite . He spells it all the time . I 'm sure people think it 's odd , hearing him spell shoe as he walks in to and out from school , as we go though the drive - thru , as we shop at the grocery , as we walk around the block , and just about anywhere we go . And while we will claim some credit for his new ability ( not much , really ) , because we do encourage the spelling and the trying to speak on a few levels . We almost always repeat them back to him ( which he demands , in his oh - so - impatient way ) . And we do things like making letters on the MagnaDoodle for what feels like hours , and we even get out the magnetic letters ( that end up all over the house ) for the boys to play with on a pretty much a daily basis . But the majority of the credit has to go to PBS - and his two favorite shows of all time - SuperWhy and Word World . If you have toddlers , and your not adverse to television , these shows are actually kind of cute . And clearly they have some educational value . My three year old knows his letters . And it 's the first thing that 's interestePosted by He looks so sweet and innocent . Actually , he 's laying down at the opening of the play set , so his little brother can 't climb up and slide . Imagine that . |
This picture is almost 40 years old . Weren 't my children adorable ? My girls are beautiful women and my son - - - well my son isn 't beautiful , and if anyone ever said he was he 'd probably punch them out , and get killed in the process . But I have to admit my son is a very lovable person and he has four children who wish he would be able to spend more time with them . So many people were praying for Mt . Calvary and the near demolition of that century old church . I know several area churches were praying . Many contributed money so that the church could be restructured and the members could once again worship in their familiar building . I am not sure when the church was built but there is a corner stone that says 1911 . And there was a water hole cover in our back yard , later moved to the edge of Mom 's garden on the side of the house , that also said 1911 . I didn 't see that marker the last time I was in Runnemede and did my walkthrough of mom 's garden , which was her successor 's garden , which then became the church community garden , I suppose . Anyway , that round cover , which has disappeared since the water hole ( aka cesspool ) was filled in , wasn 't in use for over 50 years . But I remember that cover , and it was made of cement and stones - - which is called pea gravel these days . Give stones a special name and you can charge more for them . Thus pea gravel rather than stones . I , myself , am so very glad that the church is being rebuilt and that it is now safe enough to be occupied . Christmas Eve was the first service since the flood in late July took out the east lower wall . I know when dad was pastor they didn 't have a Christmas Eve service . He always went to the Lutheran service ( and dragged me along with him , when all I wanted to do was open my gifts ) and recommended that anyone who wanted to attend a Christmas Eve service should go there . My dad and Pastor Lott had a lot in common theologically , and dad loved that service . He surely did . It 's very quiet at our present home right now , but it wont be on Sunday . That 's the day my son and his family visit us for their Christmas " DAY " with dad 's parents . I know they will probably be bored most of the time , but we 're keeping the time short . Maybe we 'll play Bingo , maybe not . It 's a tradition with the grandchildren no matter what their age to play Bingo , but I 'm way behind this year and I don 't know whether I 'll have Bingo " cards " ready by Sunday . Did I have days like this when I was a child ? Well , not exactly . All of my grandparents were gone , as in passed away , so there wasn 't a trip to my grandparents , but . . . Then at Uncle Joe 's all we cared about was eating Aunt Rita 's delicious rigatoni and sausage , and her baked chicken was so good as well , and then , of course she had an anti - pasta and a mixed greens salad . Yummy . I have tried to mixed both events - - games and food - - for my grands and up until this year I have had pretty good success ( Alan and I had the stomach flu one year ) . Do I miss my Aunts and Uncles and cousins ? You bet I do . We had such fun times . At least that 's how I remember it . I received an e - mail from a friend in Runnemede who said that the church has been saved ! An organization in Runnemede provided help in the form of Engineers and foundation builders to get the church back onto a foundation . I am so glad the church will be opening soon . There is still no heat in the building because the heater ( boiler ) was so damaged , but being in a cold church is just like in the early 1900 's when folks brought hot bricks to church with which to keep warm ( minimally ) by stashing the bricks at their feet or putting them in their coat pockets . The day started with a breakfast of homemade breakfast cake and milk ( or coffee if one was old enough ) . Then our family all dressed up in our best church clothes and went to Thanksgiving service at church . After service we went home and entered the house by the kitchen door to an aroma - - oh , my - - so wonderful that our mouths watered before we even got a taste of the dinner we had waited for since the year before . Thanksgiving dinner was the best meal of the whole year . A lot of people in the church gave us groceries that we only got one time of the year and those groceries included lots and lots of olives - - green and brown - - a large metal container of olive oil , and cans of sweet potatoes , corn , green beans and yes , even Spam . We ate it all , not at our Thanksgiving meal of course but before Christmas , let me tell you . Around 1 : 00 p . m . some of the family members who would share this feast prepared by my mom and her sister began to arrive . We welcomed them all . Aunt Annie . Uncle Joe . Cousin Bette . Cousin Esther . Cousin David . Uncle Joe and Aunt Rita , Cousins Joan and Robert . And sometimes we would even be surprised by a visit from our Tennessee relatives , Aunt Francis , Uncle Howard , Cousins Betty and Dan . Some of the family came after their first dinner to have their second dinner of leftovers . I guess the most memorable event at every Thanksgiving was dad 's grace at the beginning of the meal . He knew how hungry we all were - - chomping at the bit sort of - - and he started his prayer by reciting a Psalm - - one of the longer Psalms , then because I was peaking I noticed he looked around and if most of the eyes were shut we would go on thanking the Lord for everything he could think of . And I have to save he was very sincere with this prayer . Well , after what seemed like an hour - long prayer some of us started giggling - - I think Aunt Annie got us going and we could not stop until we heard a rather loud AMEN meaning " dive in folks , it 's finally time to eat . " It 's funny you know what you remember . Imagine loving grapes at Thanksgiving and doing with out them the rest of the year and then being so thankful for them again the next Thanksgiving . Mom also always had a mixed nut tray with a nut cracker and the adults seemed to enjoy the exotic nuts she had rounded up along with Aunt Annie . It 's amazing to me that I can write a BLOG in my head and I can even type it on my stomach as I 'm thinking about what I intend to write , then bang ! it 's out of my head already . I was thinking of a new subject for a BLOG just this afternoon , and now I cannot for the life of me remember what it was about . Oh , yes , now I remember ( 10 minutes after the first two paragraphs were written ) . Some of us ( myself for one ) have can recall things that happened early in our lives so what I 'm relating today was way back when - - in MY history of Runnemede . First , I recall my father running me down to the post office . I was on his shoulders , and I must have three . At that time Runnemede had about 3 , 000 residents . I recall asking him what was on the other side of the railroad tracks ( the west side ) and he said more house like the one we live in . At that time the train came through town twice a day and it was pulled by a steam engine , the kind that put out black smoke . I love that train and I would sit on the stoop near the sidewalk in front of our home and watch for that train . I could just see it from there . That was two plus blocks away from me , but I could see the smoke and see the cars . If my mom would let me out , I would sit on that stoop in all kinds of weather just waiting for that train . Dad would every once in a while take me down closer to the tracks so I could see the train close up . I know , I know , it was a boy thing to do , but I loved trains . At that same approximate time , Third Avenue ended about a block from Bingham school . The new neighborhood ( the split levels ) had not been built or plotted yet . A girlhood friend She was one of my best friends , and she was one of my best competitors . She played the piano . She had long fingers so she could play Rachmaninoff . I have short fingers so I could play Bach . She played tennis . I won a trophy for best tennis player ( female ) in high school between my junior and senior year . She placed a little lower . She was smarter than I . She became a doctor . I am who I am . Her name was Kathy Kenders . She went to be with the Lord yesterday . I shall miss our e - mails , though frequent , and her Facebook page . Continuing the " school saga " . Seriously , seventh grade was my worst year in school . I was still at Bingham School , which had nothing to do with it being my worst year . It was the teacher . The room his class was in was on the northwest side of the building , uppermost floor , old part . The room was fine and I had a seat by the window . And about the only thing I did like about his class was that he had the desks in straight rows , like a normal classroom back in those days . I really didn 't like the circle classroom set - ups , or the sideways rows set - ups . I was very happy with my seat in the last rows from the door and one of the back seats . I was absent a lot that year . I was sick to my stomach a lot ( not really , but it was easy to convince my parents I wasn 't feeling well ) . I spent a lot of time at the chiropractor ( Doc Feldman in Philly ) which I didn 't mind at all , except for the bus ride , which really did give me a sick stomach for two days . I don 't remember why I went to the chiropractor a lot , but I did . As an aside : One day the class was being rather rowdy and Mr . Latieri was getting frustrated . A lot of pencil sharpening and paper getting was interrupting Mr . L 's train of thought . So when the lesson was over Russell Fisher raised his hand and asked if he could have a piece of paper . Mr . L in his frustrated voice said , " Take five . " Russ took five pieces of paper . Mr . L meant get lost for five minutes ( which he explain after Russell sat back down ) . I don 't think any of us had heard that expression before ( meaning take five minutes off ) . Poor Russell , he was then made to go to the back of the room and stand against the wall for five minutes , and be the butt of Mr . L 's jokes for the entire five minutes he was standing there . I did have fun in the school yard that year . I beat Joe Spence in hitting a baseball one day . He was the best hitter in the 7th grade , so I felt pretty special . And finally . . . . So many of my facebook friends have mentioned Mr . and Mrs . Manduka ( pictured ) and asked about them . Mr . Manduka - - uncle Bill to many of us - - was our main driver to all youth events . I remember one time it was snowing very hard and piling up fast . It was a Saturday , and Saturday was Youtharama , a program that was held for area church youth at the Philadelphia at Town Hall on every other Saturday night . He called me and told me that he wasn 't taking us to Youtharama . I was , of course , crushed , and I didn 't understand the danger of driving in 12 inches of snow with rear - wheel drive in a big car ( by today 's standards ) . I asked him to please take us . He was firm and I cried . The next day there was church , but only 10 people showed up besides our bundled - up family . My father would never cancel a church service for anything , and weather was on that list . Mr . and Mrs . Manduka and their two children were four of those 10 people . They were so faithful . Mrs . Manduka died several years ago . She was a teacher until her final illness prevented her from teaching . I am not certain what she died from , but I believe it was altzheimers . Uncle Bill is still living , but he is in failing health . He is 91 . He does have a facebook account . David is a missionary in Germany . His children are grown up now . I haven 't seen him for years , but Mr . Manduka sends me his letters concerning their mission and what 's happening in their lives from time to time . It was the summer of my 13th year . My father 's cousin , Alberta , asked me if I would like to spend a week at the shore ( Ocean City , NJ ) with her and my friend Linda Speer . Linda was Alberta 's neighbor in north Philly , and a pen - pal of mine . I know you all are thinking , " Why a pen - pal ? She only lived in N . Philly , just a hop , skip , and a jump from Runnemede . " That 's correct , but I had been writing letters to Linda for several years , and north Philly was a long trip for a child of 9 or 10 to go alone . I did , however , see Linda occasionally when my dad visited Alberta at her home . I probably should have said rarely , because we didn 't go see Alberta very often . Moving along . Of course I wanted to go to the shore for a week . What 13 - year - old girl wouldn 't , especially when that 13 - year - old was in a family that didn 't take vacations ? So we went to the shore in early August . We stayed in someone 's house in a rented unit . This unit was in the basement , and the kitchen was under the front porch . That 's about all I remember about where we stayed . I know it was a one - bedroom place , and the under - the - porch kitchen is still vivid . This all came back to me a few days ago when I bought a huge cantaloupe from a local farmer . You see , Albert was quite fond of cantaloupes so when she told Linda and me on that first morning we were having cantaloupe , Linda and I laughed . I mean , who ever heard of having cantaloupe for breakfast ? Cantaloupe was a dessert in our house ! We overcame our laughter and ate the cantaloupe , which was delicious , I might add . We also added a bowl of some cereal to go with the fruit . I recall one day we went to a very large hotel on the boardwalk . I was in awe of the place . And the pool . . . . it was huge . The Flanders Hotel is still there and is still a beautiful , elegant hotel . Well , after a week at the beach I had acquired quite a tan and I was , I admit , so proud of that tan . I had tans before , but this was the best . And I didn 't use any tanning lotion . And I didn 't burn . I rarely got a sun burn . Must have been those Mediterranean genes . I have to say that back - yard tans never come close to week - at - the - shore tans . I never had a week at the shore again , just day trips . Thank you , Alberta , for a great week ! I don 't know much of the history of the church , but I know some of the history of the town . It was decided in 1910 that the town of Runnemede ( population 500 maybe ) needed a church . I believe the name Mt . Calvary Union Church was named " union " church because it was a union of the various denominations in the small town . I know that one of the builders stayed with MCUC until his death . The bell was used for other occasions as well . I remember when WWII ended in Europe on V - E day my dad went over to the church and rang the bell . He rang it for a long time . I was only two but I remember that and I remember when Japan surrendered there was another ringing of the bell . Of course by the time Dad got to Runnemede there were two other churches . There was the Lutheran church and the Catholic church . And with Runnemede being built up by that time , I don 't know how far the sound of the bell went . Also , after weddings , the bell was sometimes rung - - not always . I asked that it be rung on my wedding day , but my father didn 't want to do that . He was losing one of his girls and , well , you 've all seen Father of the Bride so I guess you can understand why he wouldn 't ring the bell . My sister , Debbie reminded me that my father always rang the bell at exactly midnight on New Year 's Eve . And when I say " exactly midnight " , I mean , exactly midnight . Dad would check with the phone company a couple of times a day to make sure his pocket watch was holding perfect time and that it was set with US Naval Observatory Time . And , I can 't believe I forgot to mention that ! Many years ago , a lot more than 50 , but fewer than 70 , when I was a young child , my father deviated from the regular schedule of the church service . Here 's what I remember of that Sunday morning . My father had purchased a Bible which he wanted to place on the Communion Table ( that 's the table on which you can see an open book ) . He said that the Bible should remain on the table , open , and from time to time he would change the page to another chapter , and perhaps another book , and would talk about that for a few minutes . On this particular Sunday he had selected a chapter in Psalms . I do not remember what the chapter was , nor do I remember the sermon that day . I do remember another thing that my father pointed to , however . In this picture you can see a small sign over the Pastor 's Chair which is just behind the Pulpit . It is black and is just above the burgundy colored curtain . It says , " Jesus " . This , my father told the congregation is Who was precious to him , and he wanted it there to remind the church on Whom it was built . As Jesus Christ was humble , my father wanted the sign to be small and unobtrusive , but visible even from the back row of the church . Dad then stood behind the pulpit , prayed his closing prayer , and we all sang the Doxology as we left the building . I really never forgot that day when dad opened that Bible , placed it on that table , and said as long as he was pastor , he wanted that Bible there . It was on that table for over 50 years . ttfn I have two brothers . There 's the one that 's , shall we say , the quiet one ( now ) ; and the one who speaks with forked tongue ( broccoli hater ) whenever he can get away with it . I love them both dearly . One for his yearly birthday call to me , and the other because he makes FB worthwhile . Mark , is the one that most resembles in mind his sister ( that would be me ) . He is a pastor in Goshen . That 's the one in Indiana , not the one in southern Ohio . He 's the one I used to leg wrestle . He 's the one I would punch for no reason at all , and he took it because he was trained that as a boy / man he should never hit a girl / woman . I still give him a slug from time to time . But since the time - to - time times that I see him are getting less frequent as we get older and spouses that can 't travel keep us bound to our local area for the most part , I guess my punches will have to be KIWIs . ( See paragraph below for explanation . Mark has a running commentary on FB about his dog , his lazy dog , Sherm , and his bathroom habits ( Sherm 's not Mark 's ) . Not exactly the most tantalizing subject , but he does put a very humorous slant on all he says about Sherm . Mark also hates broccoli . So , lately , instead of saying _**&^ , he says " broccoli " . So , I 've been countering with " kiwi " . It 's not that I hate kiwi , it 's just not in the " my favorite fruits " category . Mark has a way of exaggerating something so that it almost sounds like the truth . And therein is the rub . Mark is a pastor . He speaks the truth on Sunday and Wednesday , but other days ? He 's just funnin ' . I love him for his humor , believe me . He is an interesting " preacher " . As I said he has made my forays in FB fun and interesting and I just have to respond . My mom was so thrifty . She could refresh six people with two oranges . She 'd cut the orange into sections , six per half orange . That would be twelve sections per orange . And those sections were equal and didn 't look very skinny , as they should have . So with 24 orange sections , and six people , we each received four sections - - or smiles as mom put it . We would suck the juice out of a section , then eat the pulp . Yummies in our tummies . We had our afternoon snack or breakfast orange supply and we were all happy . Of course with three oranges , we made out like bandits , 36 sections , 6 people , 6 sections per person . That would be dessert after dinner . To this day I cannot cut oranges the way my mom did . I mean I cannot cut even sections like she did . ttfn Sunday School Picnic Time was one of the most awaited events of the year back when I was a child . This was one of the highlights of the summer . The church would get a bus to take those who didn 't have cars ( not all families had cars in the 40s and early 50s ) and even those who had cars allowed their children to ride the bus . Some of the dads would take their cars to the site in case the children tired and wanted to get home earlier . The picnics were usually held at one of the lakes in the " lake region " of South Jersey . I know we went to Lake Oberst for a few years , and then we went to lake Paletine for several years . I know we went to a third lake in my teen years , but as much as I 've tried to think of the name of that lake , I just can 't . The picnics always had grills where mom would cook hot dogs for lunch and then hamburgers for an early dinner . The bus left at 7 p . m . ( I think ) . I know by the time the bus did leave the lake to take us home , we were wiped out and slept very well after our Saturday night bath . The hosts and hostesses of the events ( they changed from year to year ) had games for the children - - the best of which was the candy toss . One thing about the S . Jersey lakes - - they are for the most part cedar lakes . That means that there are cedar trees in the deepest parts of the lakes , and they are surrounded by these trees . You cannot see your feet if you are standing in one foot of water . And you do not want to wear a new bathing suit in one of these lakes , unless it is black or brown , because the suit will be darkened because of the pigment in the water ( cedar ? ) . I learned that the hard way . I bought myself a new bathing suit - - I wanted a NEW one , and not someone else 's hand - me - down - - for a change , and it was a really cute suit - - pink gingham , one - piece . Well , it was brown when I got home , so I washed it right away . It was still brownish . It just looked dirty . I bleached it . It didn 't help . So I had this mauve and muddy colored bathing suit which I wore for several years . The last Sunday School picnic I attended at Mt . Calvary was when I was in my late 40s . We were home for a short vacation , and it was SS picnic time , only this time it was held at someone 's home . Sunday school had dropped quite bit in attendance since the 50s . I remember this day because I helped mom get ready for the picnic and we went in our car . Mom was carrying the potato salad which I made . When we got out of the car to go into the very large yard where the picnic was being held , mom would not let go of the bowl . She said it was helping her keep her balance . I never knew what she meant by that until this past year . I have had severe balance problems , and I fine if I am holding something with both hands I can walk steadier . Who knew ? My brother reminded me that we went to Centerton Lake a couple of years and I think that 's what I have pictures of in one of my many albums , and we also went to Cedar Lake . I loved swimming there until one day I saw a bunch of fecal matter in the lake . That was the end of it for me . Sorry , Mark . I lived for 23 years in the house in the picture above . It was a small house . The footprint is at most 1 , 000 feet . It is a two bedroom house , with two attic rooms . I must start at the beginning . I am writing this because I used to enjoy watching House Hunters on HGTV . I have gotten tired , recently , of the younger set whining for and wanting at least four bedrooms ( they have no children , just the two of them ) , they must have at least two bathrooms , and the master bedroom must have a bathroom with two sinks , a soaker tub , and a huge shower , separate from the tub . The fixtures must be up - to - date , etc . The kitchen must be huge with granite countertops . And finally , this is in most cases their first home , not the one in which they want to raise their children . When I was small we had the two bedrooms , one for mom and dad , and one for us children . In the children 's bedroom my sister and I shared a double bed , and there was a crib , and a twin bed . One of the two closets in the house was in that room . It held my mom 's clothes . Dad 's clothes were in a walnut wardrobe . The only other closet in the house was in the hall way . It stored winter coats . There was room for about six coats in there . The vacuum cleaner was also stored there . There was little room to move around in either bedroom but we managed and we didn 't think we were deprived . And , oh , did I mention there was only ONE BATHROOM , no shower , except for a hose - like contraption attached to the faucet in the tub , which was a beautiful claw - foot tub . Six people , one bathroom . We didn 't feel deprived , because it was our home . When my sister and I had reached the ages of 6 and 9 , respectively , we were put up in the attic . It was cold in the winter and hot , hot , hot in the summer . We didn 't feel deprived . There was no closet up there , so we hung our clothing on nails or a very small roll - around valet . We were crowded in the attic because the center part was probably only 9 feet wide , and the only place to put the bed was sticking out into the 9x15 room that had a chimney in the middle ( the heat source ) and stairs taking up three feet at one end . We loved that room . To this day , I have very fond memories of that room . When I went to college I moved into the storage room in the attic , pulling out as much of the junk that was stored there so I could put in a single bed and use one of the chests of drawers that was stored in there . I liked that room a whole lot . Why ? Because I could rearrange my furniture as often as I wanted . I had a desk , a chest of drawers , a bed and lots of neat " stored " items which I arranged in that small room . The only source of heat in that room was what came through the doorway , so in the winter I had to leave the door open . I felt like Louisa May Alcott . I am crying right now . I think I spent as many hours in that church from the time I was one year old until I married when I was 23 as I spent any place else except home . That church was my second home . So many memories . So many messages that my father preached which I sat through and by the grace of God the words entered into my brain and I can now recall much of what my father taught . I 'm thinking about the inside of the church , the room in which I was married , the stained - glass windows , the pewter lighting fixtures , the " new " pews which the men of the church put together many , many years ago , the piano and organ which I played for so many years - - not at the same time , of course , the orchestra , Sunday School teachers and classes , Christmas programs , Sunday school picnics . Do you get the picture of how much influence and a part of my life that church was . I know the " church " is not a building , but the people . I still have many memories of the building . These past few weeks have been ones of ups and downs , mostly ups . My dear husband , Alan , had minor surgery on the Monday before Memorial Day , and was released . He was back in the hospital the following night because he fell , and since his wound was showing signs of lots of fresh blood , I decided to take him to the ER . Thus began the " I 'm tired " part of the journey . It found out in his re - examination that he had had a heart attack either right after he was put in the recovery room , or when he fell . He doesn 't remember feeling any chest hurt when he fell . And , he had all kinds of heart tests before the minor surgery . So , I left that night ( way after midnight ) as they checked him in . I had his room number and I was ready for the next day . Talking to the heart people at our wonderful Anderson Mercy Hospital . Alan was going to require double bypass , which turned out to be triple bypass . He was not a happy camper . Thus began part III of the journey , " I 'm more than tired " . Alan was not a good patient , he even admitted when he didn 't do as the nurse and doctor had told him to do to get himself ready for the surgery the he was stubborn and didn 't want to do the exercises . After surgery I kept going to the hospital , getting updates every four hours , and then getting a full - day 's worth of updates when I stepped into the heart surgery unit ( ICU ) . He was doing pretty going for going through so much stuff , but he was still complaining about everything . That was very wearing on me . Our puppy , thankfully was in a kennel until I thought I was able to bring her home . The thing is , I was so tired when I got home , but the house was so quiet , I brought her home shortly after Alan was put into a rehab unit about five minutes from our home . Talk about being tired . For me getting from the parking lot to his room was a long haul . My own chest hurt by the time I got to his room every day and then I would pick up his laundry which was a lot , and would come home and take care of then so that I could bring back clean clothes in the morning when I went back to the rehab unit . After two weeks of having the puppy back home , I had to put her back in the kennel because she just completely wore me out . Alan absolutely hated it in the Rehab Center , and after day one he insisted he was well enough to come home . Well , he wasn 't , and I was able to stall him for three weeks before he wore me , the PT head , the Dr . , and all the nurses down and we just decided to let him come home and if he fell or couldn 't handle anything , he could come back to the Rehab Center ( for up to 30 days after discharge ) . So , six weeks after surgery he came home . You know what ? He handled it . He is doing great . He gets stronger every day , and today he walked into one of his doctors offices with only his cane for support . Now that I was happy about that but he did it . We brought the dog home Monday afternoon , and that when I went from . . . . . . being just tired . I am now weary . I 'm more tired at this point . I 'm just plain weary . And scheduling all the home health are stuff along with nine doctors ' appointments , as well as my own physical therapy , which I have had only three times in the last six weeks , and I can feel it , helped my situations any . But I 'm a good scheduler and can set dates , cancel dates , switch dates around . etc . Tot day we sorted his pills for this week . What a mammoth job . It took us two hours to sort out his pills for one week . I get from strength from the Lord who made Heaven and Earth . So while this body is weary , I still have strength from the Lord who made me . It 's a promise . I just have to find it ! ! ! I liked to : water the plants , feed the fish , lower and raise the shades , clap the erasers , straighten the desk alignment , if I was in a class with moveable desks , and do the monthly attendance records . I especially liked the after school jobs because I got to talk with my teacher . I was a chatterbox back then . Still am , I guess , even though I don 't really say much ( quantifiably ) . On the first day of school ( in 6th grade ) I was amazed to find that my best friend from 5th grade had grown up over the summer . She has breasts ! Yikes . Was I ever behind in that department . It only bothered me because she was the best hitter when we played softball , next to me , of course , and she just refused to play any more . We were sent to our classrooms and Mrs . Cunningham 's sixth grade was on the top floor in the chartreuse room in the new part of the building . What a nice classroom that was . Brand new . This was one of my favorite grades . My teacher was Mrs . Cunningham . She was older than most of my teachers . Of course with the good there is the bad . The bad was me . I didn 't particularly like the lunches my mom was packing for me so I didn 't each lunch when I was supposed to stay at school during lunch - time . Well , after three days of bringing my lunch home , my dad wanted to know why I didn 't finish what was in my lunch bag . I told him I didn 't have enough time . WRONG THINGO DO . My father called the school the next day and asked to speak with Mrs . Cunnigham . Well , at lunchtime I knew I was in trouble . Mrs . C asked me to stay after the rest of the lunch children were released . She asked me why I told my father I didn 't have enough time for lunch . She said she would have given me more time if I needed it . And since I hadn 't eaten my awful lunch again that day she made me stay in until the next session started ( I still hadn 't finished my lunch ) . I didn 't take any remnants of my lunch home with me . I dropped them in a trash basket on the way home . For my sister : You see , Deb , I wasn 't all that good in school either . Alan out in the boonies ( at that time ) of Lindenwold , and I lived in Runnemede . It was a good six miles between houses . That 's a long walk . I have to say that looking at the picture I have posted that Alan has really improved with age . I , on the other hand . . . . I just won 't go there . I remember a few dates we had that summer , and a few " meetings " as well . If Alan 's dad was driving to any place near Runnemede , say Glendora , Alan would call me , hop a ride with his dad , and we would " meet " about half - way . Or , if his dad was in a good mood he would drop Alan off and then go to his scheduled activity , giving us from one - half hour to three or four hours of " meeting " time . If it was one of the shorter times , we 'd just sit on the front porch and talk . If it was one of the longer times we would walk west on Clements Bridge Road , up the hill from Second Avenue , and then down the hill to across the street from Mr . Softee , and somewhere in that area there was a miniature golf place and there was also a trampoline place . Does anyone remember them ? The trampoline place lasted about two years , the miniature golf a little longer . All our date were dutch and we never had more than one dollar each to spend . Golf was fifty cents a game , that left us with $ 1 . 50 if it was near allowance day , or pay day for me ( I worked at Mr . Softee that summer ) and we could get a snow cone at the other end of DBR at the stop light in town at the Pike and CBR . Snow cones were $ . 10 a piece . I loved the root beer snow cones . We also went bowling a couple of times . But the real date that I remember the most - - that means HE paid for everything - - was the time we went to Clementon Amusement Park . At that time there was no one - price - gets - you - on - any - ride - you - want fee , back then you paid for each ride . You bought tickets and hoped you had bought enough so you could get on your favorite ride . The picture you see was taken in one of the Park 's picture booths on that night . We had so much fun . A few short weeks later Alan left for Kenya and I didn 't see him for three years . Oh , that we had Skype or e - mail or Facebook back then . Mail to and from Kenya was very slow and a phone call would have cost about $ 50 for 10 minutes . So we had no voice contact and little mail contact during those years . I was still at Bingham School and my teacher in 5th grade was " pre - historic " Jackson . Mrs . Jackson was an older teacher . I don 't know how old she was , but she did have grey hair . I had issues with Mrs . Jackson . Mrs . Jackson tried in insert evolution into our social studies curriculum . My father was no pleased and went to her to try to get her to understand that God created the heavens and earth . And that event had occurred about 5000 years ago . What good can I say about 4th grade . My teacher was Mrs . Kline . A very , very nice lady , but a very bad teacher . She had no control of the class and the students ran all over her . I learned 4th grade lessons on my own because she never had enough control to teach anything . She was a fun teacher and wanted us to have fun in school , which we did . We were housed in the auditorium of the school . In the basement . Next door to the heating room . Near the bathrooms . I love the shoes ( for women ) that are currently in style . They are so much like the shoes we had in the 1960s . Then arrived a new decade - - the 70s . And with the new decade , new shoes . UGLY shoes . CLUNKY shoes . You can tell from the pictures that the CLUNKY and UGLY shoes from the 70s are not nearly as flattering as the shoes in the 60s and in 2013 . I saw my daughter in church yesterday and she had on really beautiful shoes . They looked like dyed snake - skin and were , I would guess , the five inch heels illustrated in the 2013 picture . I wore shoes like the one in the 1960s picture and when the CLUNKY and UGLY 70s shoes came into style , I bought one pair , and decided that was enough . I had quite a collection of the 60s style shoes and decided to wear them . So I was out of style ; so what ! Notice the current " flats " style . Same as in the 60s . I know , because I still have a pair , believe it or not of 1960s flats . The price for the 60s pair of flats ? $ 3 . 00 . The price for a pair of 2012 flats ? $ 30 . 00 at DSW . Quite a difference . I fell off the 60s shoes in the late 70s . Just couldn 't walk in them anymore and went to flats . I 've been a flats lover ever since . ttfn As I mentioned in the second grade BLOG , I was warned that I didn 't want to get , if I could help it , Mrs . Barr . She was the terror ( of teachers ) in Bingham school . And this was before I knew I would be transferred to Bingham a few days after school started . Mrs . Barr was NOT a terror , I liked her a lot . And she was very pretty . I guess the person who told me about her was getting bad reports about her first child , and hoped her second child wouldn 't get her , but he did . Third grade for me was a review of everything I already knew . I wasn 't bothered by this and I went with the flow . I finished lessons before everyone else , and I was permitted to help Mrs . Barr with housekeeping chores and some the menial tasks teachers are asked to do . My second grade teacher was Mrs . Gledhill . She was an older teacher . And she was the third grade teacher . So all the teaching I received that year was third grade material . I was using second grade books , but doing third grade work and reading in a third grade reading group . The Red group , again . Mrs . Gledhill was a very nice lady . Her was the south side of the building because it was sunny all day and she kept the shades up so that all that sunlight could come into the room . Even on rainy and cloudy days her room was bright . It must have been her cheery bulletin boards . Here 's what happened . We had to color a picture in our reading workbook . I was never a good colorer , but I complied with the request . When I turned in my paper , I had colored the house and picket fence white . Well , my white crayon didn 't show up very well , and Mrs . M said I didn 't color those parts of the picture . I told her I did , and I used a white crayon , I even used my fingernail to pick our some of the white crayon . It didn 't matter . She didn 't want that house and picket fence white . Well , she and I had a discussion wherein I explained in my best first grade debating terms that the clapboard and picket fence should be white and I had colored them white . She told me to color them . I said they should be white . She told me again to color them and again I said the house and picket fence should be white . I even took her hand and pulled her to the window and told her to look outside . What did she see ? White houses and a white picket fence . Well , my " one - upsmanship " was met with , " I think you should go see Mrs . French . " Mrs . French was the principal . So she took me to the principal and the principal called my father . Daddy didn 't see the problem . He sort of agreed with me , but told me if the teacher wanted black siding on a house and a black picket fence , then I should comply and color them that horrid color . In first grade , I was assigned to Miss Welch 's class . A week later I , and several others , was assigned to Mrs . Marcantonio 's class , which was a second grade , and in which we did both first and second grade work . I know this , because by the end of first grade I was adding up all the attendance figures for Mrs . M and they were double digets , 30 lines long . Quite a bit of addition . Mrs . M is the teacher who taught us Huckle - buckle - beanstalk , a neat game of closer / farther . The prize was an eraser and then the next person would get a chance . I think we all tried to outdo the other by finding the eraser in less time than our classmates . This is Greer Garson month on TMC . Since I didn 't find out about it until last Saturday , that meant I missed the first group of movies . I was sure I missed my favorites . You see , when I was a teenager , there was a program on TV ( in black and white ) called The Late Night Show . It started after the late night news . 11 : 30 p . m . That was pretty late for me especially since I had to be up at 6 : 00 a . m . in the morning , but there were some " old " movies that my mom and I loved . Dad enjoyed them also . And . . . several of my favorites were all on last night ( Monday ) . The movies were Mrs . Miniver , Random Harvest , Mrs . Parkington , and Madame Curie . Now , these were my mom 's and my favorites , but there are a couple of other Greer Garson movies we also enjoyed . Pride and Prejudice and one my father especially enjoyed - - Mr . Chips . All these movies require a box of Kleenexes . Now , I was thinking , we watched these OLD movies when I was a teenager . They were all filmed in the early 40s . I watched them in the late 50s , early 60s . Today they would be really old pictures - - at least 70 years old , just like me . I 've mentioned before that in the morning on Mondays we listened to " At the Zoo " , a school program put on by the Philadelphia Zoo . I loved that program which each week would give us all kinds of information about one of the zoo animals . We would then go outside and run off some of our excess energy , and return for the rest of our morning learning activities . In the afternoons , we mostly did reading and practiced our writing ( printing ) . I wasn 't particularly fond of printing , but I wanted to do it perfectly , so I practiced a lot . I asked my dad to get me one of those tablets that had the lines on it for printing , and he did , and I practiced at home . In Kindergarten we had reading groups . The class was divided into three groups - - Red , Green , and Blue . The Red group contained the best readers , the Green group contained the readers who read fairly well , but they stumbled when they read out loud once in a while , and the blue group had the poorest readers . They stumbled a lot . I wanted to help the children in the Blue group so badly , but , of course , that wasn 't my job and none of my classmates asked me for help . The task of wanting to help my classmates learn to read , became something that stuck with me and I became a teacher of dyslexic children and loved it . I even developed a reading program for adults who couldn 't read , and the adults I taught using the method I had developed learned very quickly how to read . The program was called Reading Bootcamp . When I was in grammar school , that would be grades 1 - 8 these days - - we had no middle school , I was popular . I loved being popular . It all came crashing down around me when I got to high school . When I was under 14 I was popular because my father was one of three town pastors . Everybody knew me , and I hope , liked me . I tried not to put on " airs " , but I probably didn 't always succeed . I was hindered in my popularity by two small things : a father who didn 't like to have children running around the house , and this included neighbor children ; and a household that had very little money , which meant no birthday parties . And , to get invited to a birthday party you had to invite to a birthday party . When I was over 14 in high school I really didn 't have time in my freshman year to try to become popular . The only talent I had was playing the piano or violin , and there were other freshman who could play the piano better than I , and worst of all I had to actually study to get As and Bs . In grammar school it came to me naturally . My after - school time in high school was spent on homework so getting together with classmates was out of the question . Even on Sunday afternoons I had to do homework and / or study . Telephone time dwinddled to a mere trickle . Bye - bye popularity . Hard pill to swallow without choking . Since I 'm still alive , I obviously didn 't choke , and swallowed the pill . We got out of school at 3 : 00 p . m . and one day I was invited to go to one of my friends houses right after school , which was a definite no - no . My mom wanted me to come directly home from school . This I knew , but I figured I could be to her house , she could change her clothes , and I could be home before the big kids got out of school . She didn 't live far from the school . But , I didn 't know that my friend had to do some chores as well when she got home , and instead of going home alone and letting her come later , I helped her with her chores . Needless to say I didn 't get home shortly after kindergarten let out , and I didn 't get home before the big kids went home . I did get home when my mom found out where I went . When I saw her walking up the street as I was walking down the street to go home with my friend , I knew I was in real trouble . Mom , however , was very nice to me and my friend and she let us play together . However , when my friend had to go home on her mother 's orders , I got the full blast of my mothers disdain with what I had done . I had worried her to death . I had disobeyed her . I had caused her to have to leave my sister and brothers with daddy for her to come looking for me . Therefore , I was also in trouble with my father . I remember few of the games we played during recess . If we were outdoors I remember playing dodge ball , a game that is outlawed in most schools today ( too violent ) , but which I found to be a lot of fun . Dodging that ball built my " cat like reflexes " ( just kidding ) by making me learn how to run backwards , forwards , sideways , ducking under , jumping over , etc . Another game we played was Red Rover - - Red Rover , Red Rover for pink to come over . If you were " it " you had to guess what colors were active and who had what color . If you guessed a usable color , your turn ended , and the person who had the called color was it . Rather boring I always thought , but some classmates liked it . My all time favorite game was an indoor game . It was Hucklebuckle Beanstalk . The teacher started it off by telling us all to hide our eyes and not cheat . We wouldn 't dream of doing that in Kindergarten . She would then hide an eraser ( the paper / pencil kind ) and the " it " person had to find it . I always wanted to be " it " . Then I would get to find the eraser and subsequently hide it . That game depended on your classmates accurately telling you whether you were hot ( near the prize ) or cold ( far away from the prize ) correctly . I played this with my own children and their playmates on indoor days . ttfn the Kindergarten day seemed to speed by . We worked from 9 : 00 a . m . to 10 : 15 a . m . , then we had " recess and snack time " . This was a 25 minute block in the morning because recess included snack time . Then we we worked from 10 : 30 to 11 : 25 before we left the building at 11 : 30 for lunch at home . All but about 5 of the kindergartners went home for lunch . We all walked . We returned to the school building no later than 1 : 00 p . m . Since I lived across the street from the school , I had a long lunch hour - and - a - half . I could watch from the front porch and see if the playground had anyone playing on it , and then I could go back to the playground and wait for a teacher to open the door and let us in for the afternoon session . Afternoons were from 1 : 00 to 3 : 00 p . m . Recess was from 1 : 45 to 2 : 00 p . m . If the weather was nice and not too cold we were outside . If it was raining we played indoors . If we misbehaved we didn 't get recess at all . When I started these daily posts one of the first ones I wanted to put up was about kindergarten , but I didn 't get around to doing that until now . I wanted to write a few BLOGS about what I remembered about that year . And my goal was to make each BLOG short , easy to read , and make the reader want to come back the next day to read " what came next . " Hopefully , I can be a little less wordy now that I 've got the hang of things again , and keep you coming back . My first day at school - - and boy was I a happy child on that day - - was the day after Labor Day in 1948 . And since I had been in the school a couple of times before when I had sneaked in , I went into the building like I owned the place . I guess you might say I was quite sure of myself that first day . To say I didn 't appreciate my mother until I was married is putting it mildly . I love my mother , but I was , after all , one of those teenagers who knew it all , and that was the time when I was at odds with my mom quite often . So , the short paragraph which follows would highlight the time after I became a wife . I watched the movie ( again ) called , " I remember Mama " . The very old TV series was based on the movie which was based on the stage play , which was based on a book entitled " Mama 's Bank Account . " At least I think that is the proper way the various media went . I remember watching the TV series and loving it . It was on Friday evenings , and I would go up the street to Wallace 's ( Linda was my best friend at that time ) and watched it with their family . We didn 't have a TV . First came Liberace 's program , then came " I remember Mama . " They were good , clean , programs . Well tonight after about 10 hankies I finally finished watching the movie AGAIN . And I know I 'll watch it again and again , if the Lord gives me breath and TMC shows it again and again . And I 'll probably need 10 hankies the next times I view the movie like I did tonight . I could write a book about my mother . I could write a book about my father . I could write a book about our family . That 's three books . Unfortunately , I don 't think anyone would publish them . Mommy was such a sweet lady . Everyone said / says so . I have to agree . For being a mother , which I became and mimicked to some extent , she did a good job with her four children . I talked about the dog we rescued in my previous post . Well , Doxi is turning out to be a real love of my husband . He has wanted a pup to raise for about 10 years . I finally acquiesced . Doxi is a real cute pup and cuddly at times , at least with me . She goes mostly to Alan , which is as it should be since she 's his pup to raise into doghood . She won 't get very large and I 'm glad about that . She is already paper trained , so we got those hospital - type pads to put on the floor . We used up a couple the past few days , and she always heads for the mat and does what she 's supposed to do . Alan also purchased one of those indoor grass boxes , like kity liter , except there 's no renewable litter , you just wash the astroturf and empty the tray under the turf , and it 's ready to go again . We 'll see if it works . I hope so . Going downstairs to put her out at 3 : 30 a . m . hasn 't really been fun . Well , that lasted for about 24 hours . Then I had to take over . Alan got the flu , sort of , but he cleared up a lot faster than I did . His " condition " lasted only 16 hours , just enough to let him know I was able to help with his pup . Anyway , I 'm glad we could rescue a dog . Alan has been asking for a dog for 11 years . And after we got Daschi , he tried to talk me into taking one of her sisters as well . Didn 't happen . Even though I love dogs one dog is enough for me the rest of my life . I say this in prelude to the main text of my message this morning / evening . When I was going to school , this was just one part of valentines day I didn 't like . The other part was when I didn 't get as many valentines as I had given . My dear mom always bought the kind of valentines that came on sheets that you have to punch out the card from , and they got shoved into really flimsy envelopes . Oh , the joys of valentine 's day in grammar school - - NOT . Then I got older and hoped that my current imaginary boyfriend would send me a valentine 's card . That , of course , didn 't happen , until . . . I met the love of my life . I know Alan won 't be reading this , but I know he got me a card already because I saw the bag and he hasn 't missed very many valentine 's days telling me he loves me ( with a card ) . I , on the other hand rarely return the favor because life gets too busy , or I just plain forget . I 'm ready this year , though . Today is my oldest grandson 's birthday . He is 19 year 's old . Shandon Matthew Stamper , Jr . was born on this date 19 years ago , and I was there . He 's such a precious young man . He always gives me a great smile and a hug , and I love him dearly . My only wish is that I would see more of him . He works at the family animal clinic and is going to be attending N . KY University . And yes , he was in Runnemede , once . Somewhere I have a picture of him sitting on his Aunt Becky 's lap " talking " to his great - grandfather Carl Drexler . He was six months old at the time , or was it six weeks . I can 't remember . I just know that the number six was in the mix , and he had to be held because he wasn 't sitting by himself yet . Today is January 30 , 2013 . My father , if he were still alive would be 105 . His uncle Harry died at that age . My father died 12 years ago . Each year I was with him on his birthday , for as long as I could remember , dad would announce at dinner , after prayer , that : " This is my last birthday . The years haven 't been kind . " I don 't know what he meant by that last comment , but I know he said that from the time he was about 40 years old he would utter those words . This is my last birthday . The years haven 't been kind . My father died when he was 93 , quite a few birthdays after that announcement . I guess he was wrong . The Years had been kind . He had life and touch quite a few lives with his messages from the Word of God . Let me give hommage to my Aunt Daisy . I didn 't really know her very well , and I have but three pictures of her . Aunt Daisy suffered a stroke shortly after I was born and it wasn 't until Aunt Annie moved to Springfield , PA , that I was able to meet her and talk to her . When mom went to see Aunt Daisy , I was usually went along with her . Aunt Daisy reminded me of my own mother . She even looked like my mother . But why shouldn 't she ? She was , after all , my mother 's sister . She was soft - spoken , cheerful , treated me more like a grown child , instead of the young child I was . When she died , I didn 't attend her funeral . Mom and dad left me home with my siblings . I think I got to know her better because her children , the seven that I knew . They inherited not just her looks , but her attitudes . They , the cousins , were all cheerful and didn 't treat me like a child , even though all but David and Betty were adults when I was born . Today I am on day five of the same kind of flu . The aches are what I remember most from when I was 16 and had that flu . I haven 't felt this awful , not even with all the other ailments I have going on , not even since I had to learn to use my legs again after knee surgery . When the flu went around in 1959 / 60 I got it the first week it hit Runnemede . I was out of school for a week . I would feel great in the morning and knew I 'd be back in school the next day , but at night my fever would spike ( just like now ) and dad wouldn 't let me go to school on the morrow . I finally got out of the night - time fever by Friday . Uncle Orph ( eus ) and Aunt Mary , Uncle Orph being the family relation , Aunt Mary a relation by marriage to Uncle Orph , were not my favorite relatives . It had nothing to do with them being mean or nasty . In fact , Uncle Orph always gave me a half - dollar whenever he came to visit , which mom intercepted right away to put into my savings account . I think it was their appearance and her perfume . They were not the most attractive people , which was not their fault . Also , Uncle Orph talked very , very loud . We always knew they were coming . Here 's how it went . Dad knew they were coming and would watch for them . As soon as he saw them coming up the street - - they took the bus from Philly - - he would pull the shades in the front of the house and tell us to be quiet . He thought this might make them think we weren 't home . WELL , mom wasn 't having any of that . She opened the door and as sweet as could be would welcome them heartily . Uncle Orph , after giving me and my sibs our money , would start talking with my father , and Aunt Mary and mom would stroll through her garden . I would disappear until I had to make an appearance . Then after the stroll around the house , mom would come in and start the spaghetti water . We always had spaghetti when they came . I guess they like mom 's spaghetti , and for her it was an easy , no brainer dinner . I have been thinking that I would like to write shorter BLOGS and they would be of my family , the church people , Downing school , Bingham School , and Triton High School . After high - school I went to Glassboro State College ( now Rowan U ) and sort of left Runnemede at that time ; even though I still lived there , I was rarely in - house so to speak . So let me know if this would be okay . I would write something every day , Monday through Friday ( not on weekends ) and I wouldn 't announce it on Facebook . Here is an example of a " shorter " BLOG and it may be more information that you want to know about my family , but here goes : On January 2 , 1949 my brother Carl was born on the kitchen table . He was delivered shortly after the Sunday morning church service . Wasn 't it convenient that he waited until my father could be present for his birth ? I 'm sure of two things . My mom would have liked for him to come sooner . And , daddy was in another room until the birth was finished . Home births weren 't the norm back then and I never knew why mom had Carl at home instead of in a hospital like the rest of us . I also never knew how they got mom from the kitchen table to her bed three rooms away . And back then it wasn 't proper to ask ! ! ! ! ! THIS update is really from the recesses of my mind . Alan and I really like old automobiles , and we were watching the car auctions on TV and the recesses of my mind were opened up . I doubt even my brother and sister remember this episode in our lives . Dad didn 't drive . Oh , he knew how . At least that 's what he told us . He told me he learned to drive in a Stutz Bearcat auto . But he wouldn 't drive an automobile for as long as I knew him , which was for 58 years . He would , on occasion , state that cars were murder weapons . Well , he was correct that autos do kill a lot of people , or rather the drivers of autos do , most unintentionally . So , he would not drive . But he would be driven . I don 't know , maybe it was his Pennsylvania Deutsch heritage . The Amish won 't drive , but will ride in cars if someone else is driving . An opportunity came along and was passed on to daddy and mom about an automobile that was for sale . The notice of this opportunity came from one of the deacons in the church . Now , that got me to thinking that maybe the deacons wanted dad to get a car so that he could increase his flock by going into neighboring communities . Dad rode a bicycle if he wanted to get someplace that was a little long on the foot , but mostly he walked - - he walked very , very fast . This particular car was in good shape mechanically . The church mechanic verified this . He also told daddy that it was a good deal , since the mileage was low . She started hinting . She dreamily hinted that she could go visit her sister without taking a bus to Philly , switching to the subway that went out to 69th street , and then transferring to one of the trains that went to Springfield , about a two hour trip one - way , if the connections were timely . And travelling with four rambunctous children wasn 't exactly a treat for my mother . And on and on it went . Needless to say , we didn 't get the car . It was beauty , too . It was a 1949 Plymouth , maroon , running boards . The family would have fit in that car . I even went to bat to try to convince dad that we needed a car . I didn 't know why , because my travels included those to which my uncles picked us up and carried us , which for me was a treat . I didn 't know at that time that an automobile would have been nice for us to have when I went to college as a commuter . A commuter without an automobile , just bus money and a two - plus hour ride on buses to get to GSC . By auto ? : 1 / 2 hour tops . |
I 'm still trying to adjust to living back at home , but so far it hasn 't been too bad . Thankfully everyone else is home for Christmas break and I am spending a lot of time with people I haven 't seen in years . . . some since graduation . Weird . And I 'm also back at work and trucking right along there . . . trying to figure out how everything works since apparently they changed basically every technology and policy since I 've left . That and being on my feet all day every day isn 't too fun . . . but the paycheck is . This week , I had an encounter with a coworker of mine . I won 't go into too much detail about it since I 've decided to let it go , but she still says stuff that bothers me . Here 's the brief version : The Wounded Warrior hospital is a little over an hour or so from where I live . A coworker of mine decided we should give away some little toys and outfits to the families who have children and are going to be stuck there for Christmas ( I work at a little children 's boutique ) . As she was gathering things to give away , she began telling me all these horrible stories of the families there . Things about how terribly it can rip apart your family . She went on to tell me how younger people get married and they just think about right then and there , not about what the possible outcomes could be and how they aren 't really thinking about how their husbands may get hurt and then they have to deal with them when they get back . Then she went on to tell me how it doesn 't matter anyway since the war is over now that they are out of Iraq . I just didn 't know what to say , so I walked off . I was heartbroken . I was mad . I was so many emotions all at once . It was all I could do not to break down and cry in the middle of the store . When I agreed to marry Sweet Boy , I did it knowing the possible outcomes . When I sent him off to war when we first started dating , I knew it was a possibility he may not make it home the same man , or make it home at all . I know the consequences . I am well aware of the hardships we may face as a young couple , but I am willing to do it because of the love that I have in my heart for Sweet Boy ; stronger than any love I could imagine . But the war is not over . It may be ending , but it isn 't over . Sweet Boy is lucky enough to be home , but that 's more than I can say for many of his friends . He 's here while they are all gone , and he is having a hard time with that . He called me yesterday and told me how they had to practice a mock funeral in case something should happen . It gave me chills just thinking about what this meant ; could he be in one of his friend 's funerals any time soon ? One of our friends ? I can 't imagine what was going through his head . Finals are done and I am now moved back home . It hasn 't really hit me yet . It just feels like a long weekend . People were so busy with finals I didn 't even get to tell half of my friends good - bye . But the good news is , I bought my wedding dress this week ! My mom and maid of honor went with me and we tried on all these dresses . We thought I was going in there to buy a dress that I had already tried on a few months ago but wasn 't ready to buy yet . Well . . . . I decided to try other stuff on " just in case " and then I got all confused about which dress I liked the most . Until , that is , I put on this gorgeous dress that I didn 't even give a second look when it was hanging on the rack . But I put it on , walked out , and cried . Guess that solves that problem ! Now I just have to wait 8 more months before I can show it to Sweet Boy . It 's hard keeping secrets ! Sweet Boy came home with me this weekend . It was so nice to just relax and spend time together . . . not worry about other people or a timeline we had to follow . We spent hours putting a Christmas puzzle together with my parents , that 's how relaxed we were . I think we both needed that . I think our relationship needed that . It brought us back together ; away from the stress of finals and moving and roommates and everything else . Now it feels like we are almost back in the beginning of our relationship , when things were still new and exciting . No more fighting , no more miscommunications , no more distant and hurt feelings . Like I said , it was just what we needed . Now I just have to get used to being back at home and under my parent 's roof ; it 's going to be a challenge ! But I start my job tomorrow and have a lot of Christmas shopping and decorating to keep me busy for now . Oh yeah , and a lot of unpacking to do ! This morning , while doing laundry , I came across a T - shirt Sweet Boy let me borrow over Thanksgiving . I couldn 't help but stop and smell it . It still smelled just like him . Instantly , I was transported to a time where he was deployed and I went to smell his shirt , and his smell was no longer there . I could remember how heartbroken I felt . How I crumbled to the floor of my closet , wondering if I would ever know his smell again . To me , that smell is a form of comfort , a piece of home . I can 't imagine never being able to breathe him in again . To never have his arms wrapped around me so tightly that his smell is the only thing near me would be heartbreaking . I can 't imagine living without him in my life . As I stood there , in the laundry room , thousands of memories flooded my brain . He has been such a constant in my life . I am so lucky to have him home right now . I am so glad he is here for the holidays . We are beginning to create our own traditions along with making more memories . I 'm dedicated to my soldier . When he is gone , there is not a day where he isn 't on my mind . I keep my phone by me constantly , even if I know it won 't be three weeks before I hear from him . I write him letters so he can have something tangible that was once in my hand . I write him emails to keep him informed of my day - to - day actions . I send him packages to brighten up his day and to give him the strength to keep going . I 'm dedicated to my soldier . I pray for his safety when he is gone and his knowledge while he is training . I read devotional books and blogs to help me to prepare for everything that will be thrown at us . I ask for strength for the two of us as we continue in our journey . I put on my armor at home and fight my battles while he is off fighting his . I am dedicated to my soldier . I dream of a day when he will be there next to me when I wake up . I picture us sitting on the couch , drinking coffee and holding hands each morning . I imagine the perfect life for us , but I know there is a chance that this could all change in an instant . I know there is a chance he won 't come home the same man , he won 't come home whole , or he may not come home . But these are risks I am willing to take due to my enormous amount of love for him . I am dedicated to my soldier . I sleep with my soldier teddy bear each night . I have camo print in almost every room of my house . I have signs , plaques , and pictures boasting my pride for my soldier . I dream of one day having a house where I can proudly fly the flag my soldier fights for . I am dedicated to my soldier . There is never a day where I second guess my commitment to him . There is never a time where I wonder if I am making the right decision by staying with him . I will not be tempted by the other men I meet in my daily life . My love for my soldier is deep in my soul ; it is in the very essence of my being . I am dedicated to my soldier . And no one can ever take that away from me . Well I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving ! I was lucky enough to spend the holiday split between Sweet Boy 's family and my family . It was wonderful meeting some new faces that will some day be part of my family as well ! Unfortunately , I fell down the stairs right when we were trying to leave and we thought I broke my ankle . One tearful trip to the ER later , and they think I just sprained it . But it sure did swell up pretty huge and turned black and blue almost immediately . We weren 't convinced that it wasn 't broken until yesterday . And the pain medicine they gave me was no where near strong enough to reduce the pain , but since I went to the ER and was out of town , we didn 't have a way to call in a stronger prescription . So I guess technically this week wasn 't what I had planned . But things rarely go according to plan . Thankfully my hunk swept me off and dashed me away to the ER right after I fell and didn 't leave my side for 4 days . He seriously helped me with everything ( besides going to the bathroom and taking a shower of course ) and now that he is gone , I have no clue what to do with myself . Every day he shows me thousands of more reasons why he is going to be the best husband in the world . I could not have picked a better match for me if I had tried . There are many parts of this life that we are warned about and try our hardest to prepare ourselves for . We know there are times where we will be separated from our loved ones , no matter how much we hate it . We know that we can beg and plead and cry , but they still have to leave . We still have to stay behind . Whether it is a deployment or a trip out to the field , they still have to go . There you are , crying your eyes out because you miss them so much your heart feels like it may literally rip in half . You can 't sleep without hearing their voice . You are terrified because you can 't remember what they smell like or what their skin feels like under your fingertips . It seems as though your world is falling apart and you cannot take it anymore . You are ready to give up . And then . . . they come home . To say you are thrilled is an understatement . Your heart feels complete . Your world is whole again . You remember how to go to sleep without worrying about getting the dreaded phone call or knock on your door in the middle of the night . But what happens after that ? What happens when all the glamour rubs off ? When the magic of reaching out at touching them becomes second nature ? When you have him home and know he isn 't leaving again soon ? Sweet Boy and I are in that time period . We are learning one another again . We are learning what it is to be a couple again ; what it is like to merge two lives together . It is hard . It is a struggle . And it is going to take some time . He stopped answering my phone calls not long after he got back . He graduated on a Thursday and I was lucky enough to be there with him and to see him graduate and spend the rest of the weekend with him . Things were perfect . He was back and nothing was different . We picked up right where we left off ; or so I thought . When I got back home after the weekend , I was able to talk to him and tell him I was home . I didn 't talk to him after that until Tuesday night . . . very late Tuesday night . To most people , this may not mean very much . He needed time to sleep , they told me . He probably wanted some alone time . Maybe he just isn 't used to having to answer to anyone . But that just isn 't him . Sweet Boy , before he left , was the kind of boy who would call me and talk for hours . We would talk many times a day , mostly about nothing . He was simple . He was carefree . He would sneak away and call me when they were given the opportunity . He would stand in line for half an hour to talk to me for five minutes . The one time I was sleep when he called me , he called and called and called and called ( yes , he would call , get my voicemail , hang up and get in the back of the line at least four times ) until I did wake up so I could hear him tell me he loved me . Now we are struggling to have a conversation that doesn 't lead to fighting or hurt feelings . We don 't talk very often . I 'm feeling a little pushed to the side . It is hard to go from months with no communication , wishing they were there every second , to being surrounded by them at every moment and not knowing what to talk about or how to act towards one another . This isn 't how I thought things would be when he got back . This isn 't how I played it out in my head . It is hard right now , and I know it will get better , but it is a daily struggle right now . I miss the man I fell in love with . I miss my better half . I 'm sorry I 've been missing in action lately . The sweet boy of mine has graduated and I am just so proud of him . And much to our surprise , he was given two weeks off of work . I 'm soaking up every minute of it ! I 'm loving his texts , phone calls , kisses and snuggles . It was rough getting used to each other at first , and I will write about that later , but right now we are loving being a couple again . Currently , we are at my parent 's house planning the wedding ! Is there anything more stressful than planning a wedding ? A wedding for almost 400 people ? I don 't think so . But we are making it through the stress and the little tiffs planning causes and still want to be around each other . That 's love . I knew I picked a good one , but he continues to prove that more and more each day . These last few months have been very hard and very tiring . We talked more when he was deployed than we did when he was at school . That 's a weird thought . I cherished those phone calls back then , now I definitely appreciate each time he calls . I 've been able to talk to him for the last two nights , about 15 minutes each . It feels so good . I can 't wait to slip back into our relationship . . . and feel like an " us " again . I 'm ready to be in his arms again . This time spent apart , much like other times apart , has helped me realize how wonderful he is . All of his letters were so sweet and so precious . I loved reading each one on those long nights when I missed him deeply . It helped me pass the time and to remember that he really is the one for me . Not that there was ever any doubt ! I 'm so glad I kept all the letters . I can 't wait to figure out what I want to do with them . I 'm thinking of putting them in a scrapbook and giving it to him for the wedding . I have letters from back in 2007 and I know he still has some from me so I want to have a place where we can keep them and read them whenever we want and pass it along to our children one day . I guess I am a romantic like that . Basically , I am just so excited to see him this week that I can hardly stand it ! But I am also nervous about all of it . I 'm seeing his parents for the first time since we have gotten engaged . He is seeing his parents for the first time in over a year . Our two parents are getting together for the first time in six or seven years . That is a lot to take in . I 'm hoping this will all go well . At the end of the day , I 'm keeping my fingers crossed and dreaming of looking into my Sweet Boy 's eyes . My very favorite line is " I 'm counting the days til I 'm finally done . I 'm counting them down , yeah , one by one . " This song gets me through the lonely days away from my Sweet Boy . I remember listening to this song together and he just held me in his arms and I cried , knowing he was about to leave me again . Bittersweet memories . But , hopefully I can finally say I am counting down the days until I can see him again . I 'm so nervous and excited at the same time . I hope everyone has had a great week so far ! It 's almost the weekend . . . yippee ! Posted by I 've really lost my motivation to blog recently . I would go to write stuff out , but ended up deleting it . Nothing ever sounded right . Nothing was what I actually wanted to talk about . I could write about the girl who complained to me last week about her failed relationship with a traveling musician . The one who made the comment , " you 're lucky . . . at least you know where he is and he isn 't sleeping in another girl 's bed " . I sat there floored and blankly replied , " but at least he wasn 't getting shot at every day " . I could write about the daily comments I get about how people don 't know how I go on day after day without Sweet Boy . How one of my friends made the comment of " your long distance relationship shouldn 't be called a long distance relationship . . . they should have a whole different category for it . " You would think these comments would build me up , make me feel stronger in my relationship ; but they don 't . My parents and I have made the decision that I will be taking off next semester to come home , save money , and plan my wedding . In 6 weeks , I will be leaving the college town I have grown to know over the past 3 or 4 years . I 'll be leaving my school , my comfort zone , and my friends . It is so fast and completely bittersweet that I cannot wrap my head around it . I am ready to go home , ready for a break , ready to be around people where I can complain and talk about Sweet Boy as much as I want and they won 't judge me or get annoyed . I 'm ready to be Daddy 's little girl for just a little while longer . I 'm ready to be at the beach and in my own room and with everything that I grew up loving . But I wish I could stay . I wanted to be in this town so badly for so long . I was ready for my independence . I was ready to go out and make new friends and make a life for myself . I 'm not ready to leave that all behind . In a year , yes ; but not in six weeks . I 'm worried about how I will tell my friends I am leaving . I am worried about being judged . I 'm worried that they think that I am leaving only because I am engaged and never to be heard from again . I 'm scared of losing my friends who don 't understand that I am making this hard decision based on what is right for me , and for my future husband . This has been a hard decision . I 've thought about it . I 've cried about it . I 've prayed about it . And honestly , I feel relieved that I finally have an answer . I finally know where I am going , what I am doing . I don 't feel like I am floating around and not sure of where my life is going anymore . I could always see the big picture , but now I see how I am getting there . The hardest part of all of this was deciding it for my own . I couldn 't bounce ideas off anyone . I couldn 't vent about it and then change my mind the next day . And , most of all , I couldn 't tell Sweet Boy . That 's right . He doesn 't know . This will be a big change for us , but we can do it . Plus , now I will actually have time to plan my our wedding . What can be better than that ? Well , nothing , besides having him home next to me . Thinking about all of this makes me miss him even more than normal . " We 're on the final stretch , " he told me a week ago . Now I just have to keep busy until he comes home . . . and figure out how I 'm gonna drop this bombshell on him . Wish me luck . I have not written in a long time ( well . . . . a week ) . I just don 't have much motivation left in me . It has been a tough week filled with emotional highs and lows . But the good thing is . . . I talked to Sweet Boy twice this week ! I don 't remember the last time we did that . Back in early August maybe ? And here we are , almost at the end of October . Time flies . It was so wonderful to hear Sweet Boy 's voice . I talked to him Friday and we tried to catch up as quickly as we could in the 13 minutes we had to talk . He told me how much he missed me and I talked to him about me moving up near him this summer before we get married and we move in together . He got very excited . And then he called again last night ! My phone was on the table and I heard it as I was coming downstairs but didn 't get to it in time . It was from a weird area code and didn 't think anything of it . . . until they called again . When I answered , I heard the sweet words " hey finance " and I felt like I was floating on air . He sounded so wonderful . We fell right back to how we would talk normally after he got off work . For the first time in 4 months , we felt normal . Even if it was only for 7 minutes . We talked and joked and caught up on things . Right before he got off the phone he said , " this is the final stretch babe . I 'm coming home " . We should talk in about a week or so and then hopefully see each other not long after that ! I 'm so ready for training to be over so I can kiss that handsome face of his . As for the lows of my week . . . well , I don 't think I am ready to talk about those quite yet . Things aren 't sorted out in my head yet and I need to get through this weekend first . I have some big decisions to make soon , though . It is all so stressful . Even more so when I don 't have my love to talk it out with . I 'm counting down the days until we are a couple again . I 'm tired of everything right now . I 'm ready for a change in my life . I feel like I do the same thing , day after day , and it gets me no where . I 'm tired of listening to people 's " drama " . The things people complain about these days are so trivial . There are real people suffering from real problems out there ( and no , I am not referring to my self as having real problems ) . To have to sit and listen to people say the same thing over and over again is driving me insane . I 'm trying to give you the best advice I can . If you don 't want to listen to me or put my advice into action , don 't come and ask for advice . You obviously don 't want my help . I 'm tired of playing the guessing game . I don 't even bother trying to figure out what Sweet Boy is doing or when he will come home . I 've stopped planning every possible outcome I could think of so I could be prepared , just to have another outcome be thrown at me that I had no clue was possible . I 'm tired of being stuck in this small town that has nothing for me . Most of my friends have graduated or moved off by now . I don 't feel that strong connection or bond here I once felt . I feel like my life has moved on beyond this town , but somehow I am still stuck here . Like my feet are in puddles of tar while I watch my life pass before me . I 'm tired of planning this wedding without my fiance . What part of " it 's his wedding , too " do people not understand ? Sure , he may not care about the colors of the flowers or where the cake is placed , but he does actually care about some things and wants to have an input on the day that will join us forever . In his last letter , he wrote about how ready he is to get home to help me plan because he feels like he is missing out on so much . Does that sound like an " uninvolved groom " to you ? I 'm tired of feeling like I can 't make a decision before I ask six people first . I 'm ready to take my life in my own hands . I don 't care what people think . I know what is best for me . It 's time I took it in my own hands and do what I want to do . I 'm also tired of feeling like I need to meet some sort of approval or else I 'll be judged by people . I 'm tired missing my Sweet Boy . I want to be closer to him . I want to be able to see him on a regular basis . I don 't want to plan out everything in advance and make sure it fits in with everyone else 's schedule . I should be able to see him when I want , not when it is a more convenient time for someone else . I 'm tired of feeling lost and not knowing where I am going with my life . I can see the big picture and it looks wonderful . I can see me and Sweet Boy living in our own house , away from everyone else , raising a family , and loving one another forever . What I can 't see is the little picture ; the month to month picture . I can 't see how this is all going to work out in the end . Growing up , South Carolina was a huge part of my family life . My mom grew up there and basically all of her family still lived there after she moved away . We had season tickets to watch the University of South Carolina football team . When we were younger , we went to every home game and a good amount of the away games . I could practically do that drive with my eyes closed by the time I was 12 . I 'd say we went to Columbia , South Carolina at least 10 - 15 times a year . That 's a lot . There was also a part of South Carolina we looked forward to every year . We would count down to it . We would talk about it for weeks and the entire 3 . 5 hour long drive up there . There 's just something about it . Some sort of magic behind it . If it wasn 't the rides , it was the food , or the exhibits , or the people watching . We loved going to the fair when we were younger . My brothers and I would ride as many rides as we could , the ones we were tall enough for anyway . We would eat all the food our stomachs could hold . My personal favorite were the vinegar fries and the elephant ears . My mouth is still watering . Slowly , we all got busier and we stopped going to the fair as much . I missed it a lot , especially after my grandfather passed away . We all had some special memories from the fair . Well , this weekend , we went back ! My parents met me , my middle brother , and his wife in South Carolina again . We all went to the fair to relive old times . The food was the same . The rides were the same . The smells were the same . But this year , something was different . There was a new exhibit . The " Traveling World Trade Memorial " made its way to the state fair . I was taken aback when I saw it . Right there between the funnel cakes and the cotton candy what this glimmer of the past that took my breath away . We walked right by the tent and made our way to get some pronto pups ( a glorified version of corn dogs ) and no one seemed to pay it any attention . Except for me and my dad . As we sat and ate our " dinner " , we talked about what we wanted to do next . I wanted to go see the memorial . Everyone else blew it off . Except for my daddy . " You know , " he told everyone , " that is the reason her future husband does what he does . If she wants to go see it , we should . " My brother and his wife decided to do something else , but Daddy was adamant about going with me . In the memorial , there were pictures of those we lost . Even posters of the missing the families put up right after the attacks . There were videos streaming from that day . Videos of the planes hitting , the towers falling , the people running for their lives . I think the most interesting part of the memorial was the things they found in the debris : a keyboard , a destroyed pay phone , smashed police car doors , parts of the plane . The actual plane that hit the towers . I think that was most shocking of it all . It was a very odd feeling being in there , seeing all this stuff ten years later . Ten years and you could still feel the emotion ; still feel the pain . There was a father behind me with two kids , probably in late elementary school . He was explaining everything to them . " This started the fighting , " he told them . It gave me chills . This is why we are fighting . Right here in front of me . This started it all , and I 'm looking at it . This realization sat heavy in my chest . I 'm glad we went . I 'm glad I got to see all of this with my own eyes . I 'm glad my parents were with me . They knew how important it was to me to go there . It was good to have support with me as I experienced that . People have been checking up on me and making sure everything is going okay since right after Sweet Boy left . I 've been getting Facebook comments , text messages , and the occasional phone call from Sweet Boy 's friends and family . It is so good to know that they are looking after me . Sweet Boy has wonderful friends . They take care of me . They tell me how much they miss him too . That makes me feel a lot better . I don 't feel so alone . I have been overwhelmed by the support I have been given . The comments I have gotten mean so much to me , I can 't even explain it . This military community has a unique way of embracing one another and I am so thankful for that . I wish I could call each one of you up and personally thank you . Especially Megan at To Love a Soldier who brought almost all of you to me when I needed it . Megan had a giveaway a few weeks back and I was the lucky winner . The book came in the mail today , right when I needed it . I am so excited to read this book and grow in my faith and in my journey as I become an Army Wife . It is people like Megan and another blogger Jane ( who I had a conversation with at 3 this morning ) that make things so much easier . They make me feel welcome in this life and like I 'm not alone . I got a letter from Sweet Boy today . A few weeks without hearing from him , and I couldn 't stop shaking the whole way from the mailbox to my living room . I would have sat down and read it right by the mailbox if I didn 't think I would looked crazy . Tears streamed down my face as I read his sweet words . Words of reassurance I really needed to hear . He told me how much he missed me . How things aren 't right without me . How excited he is about this upcoming wedding and how he is ready for a baby ( don 't worry , that 's a long way down the line ) . I 'm so glad to hear that he is doing better than the last time we talked . He sounds so good . He makes me feel so lucky . And he says he 's the proud one . If he only knew . Thanks to my school 's fall break , I am now home and have been for a few days . It 's been nice to recharge my batteries and spend time with my parents and some friends . I even finally got to ask all of my bridesmaids to be in the wedding ! Everything has been fine , but I 'm just . . . . lonely . It 's now been a week since I have heard from Sweet Boy and over a month since I got to see him for those magical four hours . It feels so much longer . It feels like a year . Everyone tells me they don 't know how I do it . They don 't know how I make it through every day and week and sometimes more without talking to him . They say that I am strong ; that I am brave . I don 't feel very strong or brave tonight . I can 't explain why it has hit me so terribly tonight . I had a wonderful day shopping and doing crafts with my mom . We got some quality girl time in . But now all I can focus on is how miserable I feel . I feel helpless . So alone . I feel like this is never going to end . I feel like things won 't be normal again . I hear about how hard military marriages are . I hear it from my friends , I see it in military groups I am in , I read it online . It makes me very nervous . I feel like the odds are stacked against us before we even start our lives together . Sometimes I wonder what it will be like when we are finally together again . And I don 't mean for a weekend , but really together . Will I remember what it is like to be around him ? Will I remember what to do ? How to act ? Will we be the people we fell in love with ? I 've been having trouble sleeping . It 's almost like I can 't bring myself to actually fall asleep for fear I might miss his phone call . That 's pretty much impossible . I know he can only call once every few weeks . It 's only been a week . I can 't get my hopes up . This whole weekend , I 've been thinking about what we would be doing if he was here with me . It is too hard to come home without him sometimes . I have way too many memories with him here . . . dating back 6 or 7 years . I read the letters he wrote me from boot camp . That just makes it worse . I want things to feel normal again . . . and not the kind of " normal " we 've been dealing with for the past few months of only getting 3 or 4 letters from him in a month . Sometimes no letters for a month . I 'm ready for the day when I can finally roll over and see him . The day where I can reach out and touch him . The day when the military is just a faint memory . A few weeks ago , I wrote about how I lost two friends a few years back . You can read that post here . A . J . , a good friend of mine , died of cancer when he was just 18 years old . Well guess what ; he came to me in my dreams last night . I was going over to my friend 's house here at school and I walked in and A . J . was sitting there , like it was completely normal . He gave me a huge hug and I just couldn 't let him go . We all hung out and played around at my friend 's house , but I just kept looking at A . J . ; I wanted to take him in as much as I could . We talked about the cupcakes I brought over and he asked what I was selling them for . " For breast cancer research for my aunt who was diagnosed a few months back , " I told him . I can 't describe the look on his face . It was a mixture between pride and pain . We had never talked about his cancer before , even though it was ever - present . The dream was over shortly after . It was so good to see him again . To touch him again . To hear his voice again . I hope that him coming to me was a sign . A sign that he 's okay now . A sign that I 'm doing something good . We can all do our part to help cancer research so amazingly brave and wonderful people like A . J . don 't have to leave this world before their time . After my dream I laid in bed wide awake trying to hold onto it . Trying to remember every detail . Everything he said to me . I knew I had to write it out so I could remember . Thanks for reading along . Today turned out to be pretty good . I got to sleep in for the first time in a very long time and the roommate was gone most of the day so I got to roam around the house all by myself ( not that I don 't love my roomie , but we can all use some alone time every now and then ) . I opened up all the windows in the house and cut off the air conditioning for the first time since we 've lived here . . . it was magical . I also got to do two of my favorite things today : watch Carolina football and watch Hocus Pocus . . aka the greatest movie ever . If you haven 't seen it , I suggest you get up right now and go rent it . You won 't regret it . I 've been obsessed with this movie since I was little and when I was a freshman in college , my mom sent me the DVD in a carepackage and it has turned into a tradition to watch it October 1st of each year . It just isn 't October until I watch that movie ! And of course it isn 't fall in the south until football is on your TV . I 'm still just super bummed about Sweet Boy . I feel so helpless . He sounded so depressed . I kept asking if there was anything I could do or if he wanted anything . " Just you , " he kept saying and it nearly broke my heart . He was supposed to be done last week and now it will be at least 6 more weeks . I had to tell his family today so they could plan accordingly . His parents had already planned their trip from Washington state and were really looking forward to it ; now I 'm not sure if that will happen anymore which is really upsetting because Sweet Boy hasn 't seen his parents in over a year . Just so sad . Things just get so complicated sometimes , but I guess that is the military lifestyle that I am about to marry into so I might as well get used to it . I know that there is a plan for us . I struggle to accept it sometimes , but I know it is true . As much as I complain , I know things could be a lot worse . There is another bout of separation looming over us soon after he returns ( but hopefully it won 't be quite as long this time ) and it is just really kicking me in the gut . I hate being away from him . I envy anyone who gets a phone call from their significant others these days . A five minute phone call every few weeks is just not enough time . And letters can only get you so far . I try to write him and tell him what 's going on in my life , but I know that most of it is so insignificant that by the time he gets the letter ( or sometimes before the letter even makes it to the mailbox ) it is over and I 've moved on to some other thing . I don 't know how my grandmother dealt with a war for about a year and only could write letters to my grandfather . I don 't know if I could have done it . I guess we all have to find our own strength sometimes . As I was watching football today , I thought about the only football game Sweet Boy and I were able to see together . That was such a fun day weekend . I 'm glad we have those memories and I hope that maybe when we are married we can finally enjoy football together . . . maybe . Why must you insist on having a love - hate relationship ? I love the fact that you allowed Sweet Boy to call me today , but I hate that it was only to tell me you were keeping him away for at least another 6 weeks . Why must you torture us so much ? I 've been nothing but supportive of you . I 've given up so much for you , I just wish you could do the same for me every now and then . My life is constantly put on hold specifically because of you . I just want my fiance back with me so we can plan our wedding and start looking forward to our lives together . I have tried to be forgiving , but you make it so hard . This is turning out to be a give - and - take relationship : I give my Sweet Boy to you and you continuously take him away from me . I am afraid this is setting the tone for what our lives will be like . I wish I was still the naive girl who was fascinated by the fairytale and believed my love would always be with me . Please don 't make this a habit . I don 't think my heart can take much more . Be kind to us . My song for this week is dedicated , of course , to my Sweet Boy . To be quite honest , I don 't really like this song all that much , but he does so it is growing on me . It is a sweet little song that he heard on the radio and started singing it . After he first heard it , he was talking to me and said " hey , babe , there 's this new song out that I really like . It is by some guy and kinda sounds like a gospel song . " I said , " is this it ? " and started playing this song and totally got it right ! This is a typical situation for us . On our first date , he was driving and we were listening to country music ( go figure ) and he said , " when I was overseas , we became obsessed with this one song but I can 't remember the name . It was a country song and it was a guy singing it but the chorus didn 't sound like english . " I got out my phone and played a song for him and wouldn 't you know it , I got that one right , too ! I don 't know if I have super skills , or if I just get Sweet Boy 's thought process and taste in music . Just another way to prove we are perfect for each other : ) I guess now I have to play both songs . Either way , they make me think of Sweet Boy and I miss hearing him sing to me . He may not be the best singer , but I still love it ! A little while ago ( okay , maybe 10 days ago . . . ) I got an email from Janey at A Few of My Favorite Things to tell me she gave me a blogger award ! Because of the time difference , I got the email on my phone , read it , and went right back to sleep . I completely forgot about it until now . Sorry , Janey ! Janey has an awesome blog . I love keeping up with her and her pups . Plus she lives in Hawaii so I like to live vicariously through her . If you don 't follow her yet , you totally should . She is one of my favorite daily reads . . . even if sometimes I forget when she emails me . 7 . I am the youngest in my family , and only girl . Yes , I tend to be a little bit spoiled . . . oops . 6 . My family and I are huge South Carolina gamecock fans . I mean huge . It runs deep . We had tickets on the 50 yard line all my life , but this may be the first season I don 't make it to any game and it is breaking my heart . 5 . I have a slight obsession with the color pink . Everyone picks on me , but I can 't help it . I know what I like . Being the only girl in my family , I was always surrounded by it and grew to hate it in my adolescent age . I often joke that I am making up for lost time . 4 . I really want a micro pig as a pet . I think they are just so stinking adorable . I think I almost have Sweet Boy convinced that we need one . 3 . Although I am studying Psychology in school , I am hoping to fulfill my life - long dream of becoming a housewife and stay at home mom . I always dreamed of doing this while growing up and I can 't see myself in any other way . Luckily , Sweet Boy is so lovingly supporting my dream . Most girls may find that degrading , but I don 't care . It 's what we think will work best for us . 2 . When I was in sixth grade , I was doing cartwheels in my friend 's yard , six houses away from mine , and I slipped which caused me to break my ankle . I had to walk home and tell my mom ( the nurse ) who didn 't believe me and didn 't take me to the hospital until the next day . That pretty much solidified the fact that I would not make it as a cheerleader . . . 1 . I feel so lucky to be marrying the man of my dreams in just over 10 months . I fell in love with him seven years ago , shared our first kiss with each other , and have never stopped thinking about it . He is my hero and the only thing that keeps me going most days . Yeah , it may be hard when he is away , but it is so worth it when he is here . There is a Bible verse that is really heavy on my heart . It keeps me going through these months upon months apart . I shared it with Sweet Boy once before when he was away and it has become a saying between us . This just speaks so strongly to me . I know that one some day we will look back on these times away from each other and they will seem so short in comparison to the wonderful times we have together . I love this verse so much that I am considering putting it in Sweet Boy 's wedding band . I 'm trying to see the silver lining , but right now it is just hard . I want him home , and not just for a few weeks at a time . I 'm tired of sharing him . I 'm tired of missing him . Posted by This is always a hard week for me . I dread it every year . I always want to fast - forward through it or just hide in my room until it passes . This could explain why I have been in such a weird mood all week . On Saturday the 23rd , my family and I were driving up to South Carolina for a football game . I was sleeping in the car when my mom woke me up and said I had a phone call . That 's when I knew ; my sweet friend A . J . , who I had known since I was 8 and was battling cancer , had passed away . I cried the rest of the way to South Carolina . In the months leading up to A . J . 's death , I had been to many fund raisers for him . He had a very kind and giving spirit . He made it his goal to raise money for better furniture for the families who spent extended amounts of time at the hospital he got many of his treatments and surgeries from . It didn 't really seem real until I got that call that day . I guess I was hoping for some sort of miracle , even though we knew it wasn 't possible . The cancer had spread far too much . I felt everything drain out of my body at once . I thought I was going to pass out and my friends must have thought the same thing because they took me straight to the nurse . I called my mom and all I could get out was , " Mom . . . . Mom . . . . Jacob . " And then I found out another friend , Matt , had been in the car with Jacob and was now in a coma fighting for his life . That day was one of the hardest days I have been through . Me and my friends , along with our entire school , were forced to face our mortality . It was a scary feeling . I remember staying in the school 's auditorium the rest of the day . I was too unstable to be in class , but I couldn 't bear the thought of being home alone . My friends and I shared stories of the boys , added more letters , pictures , flowers , and candles to the memorial , and held one another . My brother came home for Jacob 's funeral the next weekend . When we walked out of the church sanctuary , we held on to each other 's hand . It was only for a moment , but it was a bond only siblings can feel . I held him up when he needed it , and he held me up when I needed it . The boys were only 18 years old and they died one day apart . They both had kind and giving spirits and I think of them often . I am now three years older than they ever will be . It still hurts when I think of them . I will never understand why two wonderful young men had to be taken away from our community so quickly . Maybe some things don 't get easier , but no matter what , they always make you stronger . While I was writing this post , a mass email went out from my college 's president . Two freshmen from my school were killed in a car accident last night and two were critically injured . Maybe this week will never be easy . I 've been a horrible blogger lately . I 've just been so stressed , so busy , so . . . . blah . I got two letters from Sweet Boy this week . Back to back ! I 've already read them each so many times . It 's been a rough week . I 've been really mopey for some reason and have broke down way more than I should . I 'm just ready for him to be back . Almost 5 more weeks . I can do that . There 's just some days when I really , really need him . Thursday came up quickly this week . At first it was dragging along and the next thing I know , today is Thursday ! I made 4 dozen cupcakes today . Whew ! I 'm exhausted . I somehow also managed to sleep through my alarm and miss my only class of the day . . . oops . Guess what else happened today . I got a letter from Sweet Boy ! And it was a recent letter . . . as in sent this week ! It was such a sweet letter . He seems to be doing pretty well , just a little lonely . He kept talking about how happy he was I got to see him this past weekend . And he signed it as I love you to the moon and back . Isn 't that precious ? I love that boy . Getting back the song of the week : I usually like to put a bit of thought in my song , but this week I can 't get away from this song ! I think I 've heard it three times today and it is still stuck in my head . I don 't really like the video , but the song is really sweet . It 's funny how some days seem to drag along , and the next seems to fly by . This week felt so long at first , and now I am wondering where the time went today . I finally started training for my job . It is going to be weird to get used to , but I think I will like it . I 've already met some nice people that are working there , too , and I can 't wait to really get started . Last night I had a great friend from high school stop by and take me out to dinner . It was awesome to see him . It is always nice to have a familiar face from home . After we went to dinner , we went and hung out and talked about old times . The whole time we were hanging out , I wished Sweet Boy was next to me . I wanted to hear his voice , to rest my head on his shoulder , to kiss him . This week seemed longer than the last three for some reason . I can 't really explain it . I 'm just trying my best to keep myself busy . Somehow . Today I started a fundraiser for my aunt who is battling breast cancer called Cupcakes for Cancer . I sent out a message on Facebook , hoping for at most $ 30 . I was humbled when I came back to my computer a few hours later with $ 50 worth of orders , and still going . I am so excited to raise money for this cause . It just goes to show you that anyone can help raise money if they put their mind to it ! I guess my next few weeks are going to be filled with making cupcakes for everyone - - I don 't mind a bit . Friday afternoon , my phone rang . It was a mutual friend of me and Sweet Boy . I thought nothing of it , until I heard those sweet words , " Hey babe . It 's me . I got an 8 hour pass today . I don 't have my phone but I 'll figure out another way to call you for those eight hours . " I 'm coming up there was all I could get out of my mouth . I hung up the phone and broke down in tears . After three weeks , his voice was the only sound I wanted to hear . And now I had the chance to see him . I drove 2 . 5 hours ( flew is more like it ) to pick him up . He grabbed me tight and wouldn 't let me go . I 'm not sure which one of us was more excited . After I picked him up , we went to do laundry , went to the military supply store off post , went to Red Robin ( yummmm ) where he proceeded to eat a huge cheeseburger , mac and cheese , a milkshake , half of my burger , and a lot of my fries . . . poor kid . After lunch , we went back to the store , got his hair all chopped off , back to the store for a third time , back to post to finish laundry , packed up all his gear and clothes , and made one last run to the PX before I had to take him back , half an hour earlier than expected . All of that means we got to spend around 4 hours together , and most of it was in the car or the store . But I got to see him . I didn 't know how bad the no communication effected us . It was hard . Three weeks without any sort of contact is a struggle , but we did it . And we can do it again if we have to , but we won 't have to . . . not very soon anyway . It was wonderful to see him , even if it was only for a few hours . It was so great to hold his hand , look into his eyes , hear his voice again . I got my little " love tank " filled up again by all of the little smiles and looks he threw at me all day . I was reminded why I am so in love with that boy . He is wonderful . On a side note , guess what I found in the mail this weekend . That 's right . A letter from Sweet Boy . A letter that he sent August 28th . I don 't know why it took them so long to send it 3 hours down the road . I feel bad for complaining about him not writing to me . He tried ! I told him this weekend that I didn 't get any letters and he was so upset . I guess I have at least one more headed my way . I think it was the one where he told me about his pass this weekend so I could be there when he got off . Oh well . For now , the Army won 't bring us down . I love him and I will wait as long as I need to ( but hopefully it will only be six more weeks ! ) My dad came to school that morning and picked me and my brother up from school in order to go to a dentist appointment . We heard about the attacks on the radio first . My brother laughed , thinking it was a joke , but my dad had no expression . He dropped us off at the dentist and watched the news from their break room . The whole time I was getting my teeth cleaned , I listened to the people working there freaking out . " Should we go home ? " I heard one say . " No , " the other replied , " we 're in Georgia . We 'll be fine . " I went back to my middle school and walked into my computer classroom . Ms McCabe 's class . I walked in and told her the news . I had no idea how horrible it really was since I was so young , but her face nearly went white . I still remember how the room was dark and she turned on the TV and stood there with her hand over her mouth in shock as she watched the news stories . The loud speaker came on and told the teachers to turn off the TV 's because it may be scaring the students and to conduct class as normal . No one knew what " normal " was anymore . I doubt we actually did any work that day . After I came home , I was glued to the news for the rest of the night . . . the rest of the week , really . The images are still burned in my mind . I remember a few days later when I was in P . E . class and our coach took us outside , sat us underneath the oak trees , and told us something much more worse was going on than we could comprehend and that week would be one we would always remember . How right he was . If you are doing the math , I was eleven years old on September 11th , which would make Sweet Boy only twelve . This was three years before we had even met . We have been dealing with the aftermath for ten years , the majority of my lifetime . I hardly remember a world before the terrorist attacks . Sure , I have childhood memories from years before , but I don 't really remember what it was like to feel safe every single day . My family had a trip planned a few months down the line and my brothers , aged 16 and 13 , asked not to go . They were scared to travel . They didn 't want to fly or go very far away from home anymore . We stayed home because we were terrified of what may be next . I can 't believe it has been ten whole years . It really seems to hit home now that I am months away from being an Army wife . I am so proud of my Sweet Boy who stepped up to protect our country , six or seven years after the terrorist attack . Today our country mourns for those we lost . We fly our flags at half mass . We remember where we were . And we ask everyone , It 's that time to link - up with Goodnight Moon again ! I was sad to miss last week . I had the perfect song the night before and just couldn 't remember it and I didn 't want to put in something I didn 't put thought into - - I know , I 'm weird . This week ( and a little before ) the images of September 11th have been blasted across our television screens . I , like most Americans , remember that day so vividly . I won 't go into details about what I was doing because I am saving that for a later post , but I wanted to share a song this week that I can 't get out of my head . I 'm sure most of you have heard this song . I absolutely love it , even though it is kind of sad . It makes me appreciate having my Sweet Boy safe and also makes me thankful for those we 've lost at the same time . His voice in this video gives me chills . I hope y ' all like it ! Can 't wait to see what YOUR song is ! I got the job ! They called me yesterday to tell me that they were interested in offering me the job and the training starts next week . And even better , I found out a really good friend of mine will be working there too ! Now it won 't seem like I have such an empty amount of time every night . I 'm really looking forward to it . I still haven 't gotten a letter from Sweet Boy . And , yes , I did check the mailbox twice today . Once this morning in case it came over the weekend when I was gone , and once more this afternoon after I knew the mail had come . Still nothing . It is hard not to feel slightly defeated when I don 't come away with a letter from him . I just want something from him . Something he has held , too . Something that he put a little thought into . Something to know he is okay . I know I shouldn 't be complaining ; he is only off at training . I know he is completely safe , aside from the potential of being dehydrated or the rare threat of lightning when he is out in the field ( he is out in the field probably about 95 % of the time and they have been getting a lot of bad thunder storms lately so it isn 't that absurd of a concern ) , but I still worry about him . I miss him . It has now been 2 . 5 weeks since I have heard anything from him and I am starting to worry I may not hear from him until he is back in a few months . And what really kills me is that I don 't have his address to write him . Before he left , he told me to wait to hear from him so he could give me his address . I have a card sitting on my desk that is ready to be sent off , but I have to keep waiting . I have finally become used to my new routine of not checking my phone all the time and going to bed without telling him goodnight . I carry out my days however I want . I still think of him often , but I just have to get used to him being gone all the time . " Such is the life of an Army wife " , right ? I 've been slacking lately . Ok , so I 've been really slacking lately . I don 't know where this weekend went ! I guess I should catch y ' all up to speed . The interview on Thursday went great ! The guy doing the interview was super nice and he practically offered me the job on the spot , but I am still waiting for the official word . Even if the job is pretty much just calling alumni from my school and informing them of upcoming opportunities , it will still give me something to do 2 - 4 times a week . And we can pick what days we want to work Monday - Thursday . And you won 't hear me complain about an extra paycheck every few weeks . Overall , I have a pretty good outlook on this job . Get back to me in a few weeks , and I may have a change of heart . Friday I headed home for the long weekend . My parents took me to my old high school 's football game . Talk about time warp ! I felt so out of place . But then I found two of my brother 's friends who are five years older than me and I didn 't feel so bad anymore . And it was nice to see old family friends and show off the rock on my left hand : ) Saturday we met my aunt , uncle , and two cousins at the beach . This aunt is the one who was diagnosed with breast cancer about 4 months ago and it was the first time I had seen her since the chemo started . It was heartbreaking to see her bald scalp underneath her ball cap , but she was a trooper and you would never know she was sick ! Sunday was filled with more family time and wedding plans ! I 'm pretty sure we found a band for the reception . This is all getting so exciting . It is really starting to feel real . Only 11 months to go ! Good news ! That job I talked about a few weeks ago finally called me back ! I have an interview tomorrow ! Eeep ! I 'm so excited and nervous . This couldn 't have come at a better time . This will really help keep me busy and we could all use a few bucks on the side . I can 't wait to tell Sweet Boy . I know he will be happy for me . This is a new stepin starting our lives together ! I will actually have my own savingsto contribute when we go to buy anything ! I went to the mailbox for the first time in two days since I am still battling the dreaded sinus infection and can 't seem to find my way out of bed other than to go to my classes . I opened the mailbox and my stomach flipped over . We FINALLY had mail ! I reached in and grabbed the envelope and turned it over to ecstatically see my name . . . . in the handwriting of my father . My dad sent me a little love note in the mail and I know I shouldn 't be bummed about it , but I was really hoping this time it would be from Sweet Boy . I 've almost given up expecting a letter from him . It 'll come eventually . I have faith . This got me thinking about how amazing my friends and family have been . They are all so kind and encouraging . They ask me all the time how I 'm doing and if I have heard from Sweet Boy . Some have stepped up and have started calling me and offering help with the wedding planning . I feel so overwhelmed without him here to help me . I want it to be perfect , but I want him here to help me with everything . Mainly , I 'm just mopey , sick , and a ball full of emotions . I can 't wait to go home this weekend and see my family and hopefully start feeling better . I 'm sure that will help . As of this morning , it has been a week since I 've talked to Sweet Boy . I know that doesn 't sound long , but we have at least 8 more weeks to go before we can talk again . Thankfully this week didn 't drag on too much , but today just won 't end soon enough . I 'm ready to get back to classes ( you won 't hear me say that often ) so I can have stuff to keep my mind off of not talking to him . Yesterday , my parents called and asked if I wanted to go shopping 2 hours away . Well of course I had nothing better to do ! So it was a nice treat to see them and to get some new clothes compliments of my mommy ! It was such a nice break to get out of the old college town and forget that I have a crazy schedule of tests and papers coming up real soon . It was really hard to get up this morning for some reason . I just really miss Sweet Boy . I was hoping that if I stayed in bed , this day would go by so much faster . I was wrong . I 've already checked the mailbox about 5 times since he left . And yes , I did even check twice in one day . I just really want to hear from him . I 'm hoping these next 8 or so weeks fly by and there are no more delays to keep us apart . These days of not talking really get me down . sourceEven through the storm , the tomb remained guarded . When I saw this picture , it instantly gave me chills . What a great country we live in . Posted by It 's no secret that I have gotten engaged . My blogger friends know and my real life friends know . Word gets around quickly these days with our advanced technology . It has now been 2 . 5 months since he put a ring on my finger , but it feels like an eternity . Things have really changed in that short amount of time , but not between me and Sweet Boy like you would think ; they have changed between me and my friends . I 've lost a lot of friends . They 've just stopped calling me . They 're surprised to see me out . They act like I think I am better than them or something . It is really disheartening . If anything , this is a time where I need my friends to stick by me even more , but they don 't seem like they want to . It 's not like I can 't go out anymore because I am engaged . I still like to hang out with people . I still like to spend time with my friends . I guess they think I 'm only going to talk about my fiance or my wedding now . But that just isn 't true . I 'm still the same person . There is one girl who is new to my group of friends ( new as of April . . . so not very new ) who seems to forget she has met me 7 times by now . And I 'm not exaggerating . She 's even been to my place twice , when very few other people were there , and she still doesn 't care to remember me or talk to me the next time I see her . I don 't understand it . I haven 't done anything wrong . The only thing that has changed is my relationship status on Facebook . My new neighbor , the one who is married to the Marine , is having the same problem . Apparently college kids just forget about their friends once they get engaged or married . I 'm still here ! I 'm still taking classes just like you are ! My fiance doesn 't even live close . Why should anything change ? I 'm sitting at home tonight while some of my friends are out at dinner and trivia . I wasn 't even asked to go . In all honesty , I probably would not have gone because I have an early class and trivia doesn 't even start until 9 , but it is still nice to be asked . This has happened a few times already and we 've only been back at school for a week . Maybe I 'm making a mountain out of a molehill , but still . I 'm worried about how it is actually going to be when I move and get married and join the military life for real . Will I lose even more friends ? Will it be even harder for them to accept me ? I never thought about how so much would change . I guess I never saw it before because I 'm really the first one from our group to get engaged . Maybe that 's why no one knows how to handle it . I really miss Sweet Boy tonight . He always knows how to make me feel better . He knows how to calm me down . I know that I am making the right choice by marrying him , but I still want to hang out with my friends and have a memorable senior year . I hope I don 't wish these months away . I want to enjoy them and be able to fondly look back on them . This isn 't the way I pictured ending my college career . I just feel so lonely tonight . And there isn 't really much that I can do about it . I just want Sweet Boy back . I want him to come home . He feels so far away . Yesterday was my parent 's anniversary . They have been married 30 years ! Holy cow , that 's a long time . I 'm so blessed to have them and so thankful for them . I hope Sweet Boy and I can follow in their footsteps . Sweet Boy finally left ( for real this time . . . I know I said a lot that he was about to leave , but that 's Army life for you ! ) Sunday morning for training . He was able to call me at 6 : 30 and 9 : 30 right before he left so we could say goodbye " one last time " . I really hope these next few months fly by . Last night I went out with my new neighbor . We had a class together over the summer when we met and then she moved next door to us the next month . And guess what else ? She 's married to a marine ! So obviously we had an instant connection . But last night we went to dinner and sat there and talked for over 2 hours and we still have a lot to talk about . I think it will be my saving grace this year to live next to and be friends with someone who is in a very similar position as me . It is just nice to have someone who understands . I miss Sweet Boy a lot already . I thought I was taking things well . Last night I wasn 't dreading going to sleep because I hadn 't talked to him , so I thought it was a good sign . But this morning , without even thinking about it I was about to reach for my phone and try to text him . Looks like it is going to be a long day already . I really need a hobby . . . There are often times when people make a comment and it rubs you the wrong way . It strikes a nerve . It takes the breath right out of you . It doesn 't happen to me very often . I tend to be a relatively easy - going person . It usually takes a lot for someone 's comments to really bother me . I 've learned that somethings are just better left alone . It is better to ignore them than to egg the person on . This weekend , as my soldier and I were sitting and talking , the subject of how there are many crazy laws and regulations came up . We both nonchalantly nodded in agreement and went on with the conversation . But one person didn 't let it go . They wanted their opinion to be known about where they stood on how there are too many crazy laws . Their argument went as this : This country was built on the idea that we should be allowed to do anything we want . Take the flag for example . If people want to burn it , they should be able to . What 's the point of freedom of speech if we can 't express it however we want ? When did people become so slack about things ? That is the flag that you are talking about . The American flag . The flag that represents our country . The flag that represents us . The flag that represents you . The flag is a symbol for all of the hardships this nation has faced and has come out of . The flag is not just a piece of cloth . It is a statement . It defines us . It gives us hope . It gives us strength . It reminds us to keep going strong . The love of my life fights for what that flag represents . He puts his life on the line so that flag can be flown proudly . He has dedicated so much time and effort to preserve everything that flag promises . And you just want to burn it ? Burning it is speaking out against this nation . It is being ungrateful and defiant . It is defeating all that it represents . All the struggles and triumphs we each face daily . Burning it is like saying it is not important - - that it means nothing to you . How can someone think this is okay ? It broke my heart to hear them say this . Not only to me , but to my soldier . He didn 't need to hear that . All he should hear is love and respect from that person for giving them the freedom to speak out like that . I was appalled . I still am appalled . And the most terrifying and disheartening thing about it all ? I interact with this person nearly daily . They know the situation we are in . They know about how I sit up at night worried about my soldier . Worried about if he will be okay . Worried that he may not make it home . And yet they still defended their statement . I love my country . I love that flag and everything it represents . I love my soldier with all I have . I will defend all three of these until the day that I die . Will anyone join me ? I 'm busy getting used to my schedule . Yesterday , I had one class that lasted an hour so I was done for the day by 9 a . m . which at first I thought was awesome , until I got crazy bored . And I 'm going to have to do that twice a week . I spent most of the day yesterday cleaning . As I told my roommate " I 'm either going to be super bored , or our house is going to be super clean this semester . " Housewife in training , right ? But this week I also went to the post office to pick up some stamps for my soldier . I saw all the pretty stamps they had to offer and secretly wished I could buy some with dogs or ' Despicable Me ' characters or something that would make my soldier laugh . But then something caught my eye - the purple heart stamps . I knew those would be a lot better to use . I 'm really excited about these stamps for some reason , probably more than I should be . But I can 't wait to send letters to him with these stamps . I even have a card ready to send to him . But I got a message last night from him and we get to spend one more weekend together ! And then it is ' bye - bye ' for a few months , this time for sure . But at least for now I have something to look forward to . I made it through my first day fall semester ! And , boy , am I exhausted . The hardest thing , just like many of you know , is getting used to the routine . I have three classes today , one tomorrow . Seems like I could have worked that out a little bit better . I applied for a job today . Ok , well it isn 't a job job . It 's through the school and I don 't even really know what it entails besides being on the phone calling old and possible students . My friend did it last year and she said the pay is good and the hours are even better . . . so I said " sign me up " ! So hopefully it will work out because I am slowly starting to come to the conclusion that my soldier and I really are getting married and I need to save as much money for us as I can . Real world , here I come . I miss my soldier a lot tonight . I wish I could tell him about my day . The last time I got to talk to him , well . . . the last time we got to text , was a few days back . . . and he fell asleep . We were talking and everything was fine and then . . . nothing . No response . It 's so hard when they leave . I hate not being able to talk . I hate trying to fill up my time not constantly staring at my phone . But hopefully we will have one more weekend together . Goodness I miss him though . Guess I should go to bed now , seeing as how I 'm such an old lady and have 8 a . m . classes every day . My friends are already hounding me about being engaged and how they " just know " that I won 't go out with them any more . Thanks guys . Really appreciate it ! For many months , I sat up at night and wondered what the next day would bring us . When phone calls were cut short , I prayed I would get another one . When I knew he was going out in the field , I held my breath until I knew he was okay . I went through all of that , and I survived . Now that he is home , it is like those nights weren 't real . Like it was a movie I watched , not how my life really was . It doesn 't seem as though that was me crying until there were no tears left in me to cry . It doesn 't seem like that was me sleeping with my phone in my hands , waiting to hear from him . But it was . It is so easy to pick up right where we left off and continue living our lives together . It is easy to forget the hardships that we went through , not knowing when we would see each other again . Sometimes , the concept of " war " doesn 't seem to be real . When I look at him , at his sweet face and those beautiful eyes , I don 't think of the horrific things he has seen ; I think of the lives we are building and the things we will see together . When we lost those men last week , it all became real again . Luckily , my soldier was with me . He was safe . I was the one to tell him the news as he and my brother sat and played video games . He quickly brushed it off , until I told him the amount of people that were killed , and who they were . Suddenly , we weren 't so carefree anymore . It felt like the room was closing in around us . When we met up with the rest of my family that day , no one spoke a word of it - but they all knew . No one knew how to bring it up to us . We didn 't know how to bring it up to anyone . All we knew was we wanted some answers , but we couldn 't find them . I looked at my soldier through new eyes that day . " It could have been him " rang through my mind constantly . That could have been my door the men in uniform were knocking at . It could have been any one of our friends whose family now had to make funeral plans . Thank God it wasn 't . But I 'm still so sorry it happened at all . That night , as my soldier sat on the edge of my bed in my brother 's guestroom , holding my hand until I fell asleep , I cried . I cried until I couldn 't take it any more . I cried until my body gave into sleep . It was the fear of knowing that I could have lost the love of my life , and the sheer guilt and grief over others losing someone so dear to them . Right now my soldier is safe . I still hear from him about once or twice a day , skipping a few days here and there . But I know he will leave again before we are used to having him home . And we will once again be faced with the idea that someone could knock on my door at any moment to tell me he isn 't coming home . I 'm scared to lose him . I 'm scared to move forward . The world is a scary place right now . I just want things to stay the same where I know he is safe and I know he will be coming home to me soon . Lord , bless all the military men and women out there fighting for our country and fighting for our freedom . Bless their families who are putting on a brave face on the home front . Be with the families who are now facing the dreaded notion of continuing their lives without their loved ones . Bring them all home . Keep them all safe . Amen . |
Moving sucks . We 've gone from a 3 bedroom townhouse to a 5 bedroom townhouse . We were able to use the last 9 days or so of the month to move , which we did slowly . Very slowly . We all got sick . First , The Watcher got a mild cold . She recovered quickly , though she did try to milk it for all she was worth at first . I had a talk with her and she stopped the behaviour , which was a help . Unfortunately , she passed the cold on to the rest of us . Except her sister , Beetle Child , who got a UTI . We 'd been working with her on the bedwetting , with little success and a whole lot of stress on me . Unfortunately , we couldn 't get past the fact that she 1 ) didn 't care and 2 ) had been convinced by her father that she was incapable of controlling her bladder . We got rid of the pull ups , stopped putting a soaker directly under her , instead putting it under a plastic sheet , and otherwise threw in the towel and let her deal with the consequences . That turned out to be a painful UTI ( she 'd had others before , without knowing it ) . Though painful , she acted as if it were the end of the world . At least she tried to . She didn 't get much of a rise out of us , so she tried it with her mother , which cut a visit short . I have no doubt she was experiencing some pain , but the exaggerated performance ended before we even got home , and stopped entirely after that . We weren 't impressed , considering the stress we were going through with the move at the time , on top of myself , Eldest and Youngest being thoroughly ill . Dh , thankfully , didn 't catch it until * after * we got to the point that he could start sleeping in the new unit ( he had to wait until our Internet got transferred , so he could work from home ) . This is move number 18 for me , and it was the most difficult and stressful of all of them . You 'd think it would have been less stressful , considering we were moving such a short distance . Except we were moving from a 2 floor unit , with an outside set of stairs that are equal to 1 1 / 4 floors , to a 3 floor unit with 2 indoor sets of stairs . Plus , the old unit had the balcony stairs , which are split into 3 sections and equal about 1 1 / 2 floors . I stopped and tried to calculate it when we were finally done . In one 4 day stretch , I figure I walked the equivalent of 300 floors . Or , should I say , 150 floors up , then 150 floors down . There was the up and downing within the old unit , my frequent runs outside to and from various things , plus the stairs in the new unit , over and over again . My last morning of moving , I did the equivalent of 30 floors of stairs in 2 hours , plus the walk between units , before I finally crashed and burned , scaring the heck out of Dh . Dh was banned from helping because of his back problems , which have gotten worse lately , and Eldest and Youngest were both so sick that , at one point , I was the only one left who could continue packing and moving things , and even that was only because I medicated to the gills . Eldest and Youngest , sick as they were , were amazing in getting things done . I could never have managed without them . But it 's done now , and we 're slowly unpacking . The unit is so completely different from the previous one , it 's difficult to figure out where and how to unpack . Odd differences . For example , we now have 3 bathrooms . The first floor bathroom is a half - bath , just like the main floor bathroom in the old place . The difference ? No medicine cabinet . Plus , it 's slightly narrower . So we can 't just move the stuff from one bathroom to the other ; it doesn 't fit . Then there 's this odd thing about the second floor bathroom , which is a 4 piece bathroom . The sink is mounted off centre in the counter . There is actually more counter space than our previous full bath , yet there is less storage space . For some reason , instead of installing drawers under the part of the counter that doesn 't have a sink in it , the drawers are on the opposite side . The top drawer is only about 6 - 8 inches long , and the bottom one is maybe 10 inches long . Barely anything fits in either of them . Meanwhile , the cupboard doors beside them still have some of the piping running through part of the space , so even that section doesn 't have as much room as our previous bath . As if that weren 't strange enough , the toilet is so close to the counter , my arm rubs against it when I use it , but there 's plenty of space between the toilet and the tub . I 'm thinking the counter got extended at some point . Whatever the reason , the lack of space means there 's no way we could put in our over the toilet shelf , even if we still had it . It didn 't survive the move . There 's also no place to put the cart we were using for towels nd washclothes . We 'd kept it below the towel rack before , but now there 's a toilet roll holder in that space . It does at least have a medicine cabinet but , again , there 's no way we can simply transfer one bathroom to another . Then there 's things like getting rid of our desk . It was a great desk , but huge and heavy . It couldn 't go upstairs , where we have the computers and Internet hooked up ( Dh now has a workstation in the master bedroom , where we have also been finally able to assemble the weight machine we got for him as part of his physio ) . As our new unit has a ground floor front door , the girls ' mom will be able to visit us , so we want to keep it as open as possible for her to be able to maneuver her wheelchair ( we even have little ramps we can put down to make it easier for her to get in and out ! ) . So , no more desk , which means all the stuff that was in and on the desk is now homeless . On the up side , Eldest and Youngest have the entire 3rd floor to themselves , including a bathroom that is bigger than the bedroom I 've converted into my office / crafting room . Three of the 5 bedrooms are huge , and Eldest even has a balcony , where Youngest will be doing gardening in the spring . Eldest tried to put a priority on setting up her art desk and supplies , so she could get back to work as quickly as possible , but it still took a while . She almost used up her entire buffer of pages before I was able to get the computer and scanner set up for her to get new ones up and ready . Youngest , meanwhile , finally has her own private space , with room enough to practise her guitar ( though we still can 't afford to start her lessons up again ) . She plans to get herself a rocking chair , so she can sit in a corner and rock while working on her crochet . Then we had an upside that turned into a downside . There was actually a possibility that The Watcher and Beetle Child 's mother could move into our co - op , as several accessible units came available at the same time . Unusual enough on its own , but even more unusual because nobody died , which is how accessible units usually come available . The units are all 2 or 3 bedrooms . The accessible units typically have a multi - year waiting list , and their mom has been on it for at least 2 years . In fact , the only reason she lost the girls to their dad was because there were no accessible units with care staff like we have , anywhere in the city . Her membership was approved in general , and a 2 bedroom unit had been set aside for her , but the care staff and provincial home care had to approve it , too . Everything was looking good , and we were actually looking forward to helping her move in the next few weeks . That would have allowed the girls to see their mom every day , if she were up to it , and we were even planning on transitioning them to her on a permanent basis over the next year or so . Then home care determined her needs were too much for our care staff and didn 't approve the move . How utterly disappointing , and extremely frustrating . There 's a lot behind it I won 't mention here , but I 'm pretty pissed off over some of the reasons she got turned down . There 's another major down side to this happening , too , but I am not going to write about it here . At least not yet . Aside from all that , the new girls have been doing really well . One of the huge changes is that , in the last while , they have been doing a lot of truly creative play , and without having to have someone walk them through things . At home , they 've actually started playing with their Lego creatively , which they hadn 't been before ( how does a child not figure out things to do with Lego ? ? ) , they 've both started reading for pleasure , and their imaginative play has become more . . . well , imaginative ! With their mom , they have been doing lots of arts and crafts type things There are still issues , of course . A lot of them are the sorts of issues one would normally expect for a 9 and almost 8 year old , but made more complicated by the damage done to them by their dad . Their speech problems are still an issue , but it will take time and a lot of effort for those to be helped . Their vocabulary is increasing , yet sometimes they both suddenly play dumb and don 't know the meanings of words they know and have heard and used themselves , many times . Beetle Child had stopped bedwetting for a while , what with the UTI and all , only to start up again for no conceivable reason ; she went from being pleased with herself for being able to hold it all night , to not even bothering to use the toilet before bed , then wetting herself in less than an hour after lying down . A much more dramatic improvement is in their learning how to communicate in a more direct manner . They had picked up on their dad 's habit of talking in circles around what they actually wanted to say , rather than say it directly . That resulted in utter and complete incoherency at times . Now they are learning to stop and think through what they want to say , and to say it concisely , rather than the verbal diarrhea they were doing before . The summer has been difficult due to their father turning out to be a serious problem , even while out of the country . As we 've learned more about the level of neglect , psychological abuse and even physical abuse the children suffered while living with him , we 've had to deal with threats , police , children 's services , the courts and more . At this point , I 'm really , really glad I have kept this blog and my main blog anonymous , too . I truly believe that , even though their father is still out of the country , he is a real threat to the safety of our family and his own children . As for our home school plans for the year , one thing we 've decided is to stay well away from anything formally " academic . " Especially with math . There 's a fair bit of trauma associated with math . Instead , despite the fact that they have always been home schooled , we are going through a period similar to " de - schooling . " They 're taking part in a 1 day a week home school supplemental program with a Waldorf school their mom was able to get them into , which is interesting and seems to be doing the girls some good , even if I do find them a bit on the creepy side - a tale for another time ! They 're also taking part in a group program for children who have suffered traumatic loss of a parent , whether through death or divorce . That program is just for 10 weeks . They seem to be enjoying it as well . I 've been taking part in the parent 's portion in place of their mother , which is something that is not normally how it works , but our situation is rather unusual . In other areas , we 're looking to get them individual counseling , but that will require a court order , and building up more legal walls to protect the children from their father . They no longer want to communicate with him at all anymore , and have even asked not to be told if there is any communication from him of any kind . They have been much happier and relaxed since then . Thankfully , after serving him with documents letting him know he faces a civil suit , criminal charges and a restraining order from us , he has stopped trying to contact us at all . Instead , he 's started contacting their mother again and has been threatening her if she doesn 't give in to his demands for unrestricted , unsupervised access to the children . That 's not going over very well for him . I 'm not sure what 's more amazing - that he thinks he can get away with this behaviour , or that he thinks anyone would actually give in to his demands . He still portrays himself as some sort of victim , and the only person who actually cares for the children . Obviously , he doesn 't believe how he parented them was at all neglectful or abusive . After all , he loves his children ! You can tell , but all the shoes they have ( almost all of which turned out not to fit ) and clothes they have ( many of which are shockinWe 're also working on teaching the girls how to speak properly , as they didn 't have proper speech or grammar , not to mention the ability to communicate thoughts coherently , modeled for them . Speech therapy should be in order , but I have to figure out how to do that , as we can 't afford to pay for something like that out of pocket . Now it 's time for me to get them ready to go to their group program . The Watcher is proud to have learned how to tie the laces on her new shoes properly . What . She 's only turning 9 this month . It 's normal for a 9 yr old to not be able to tie her own shoelaces , right ? Youngest has been doing well with her driving lessons . In her last lesson , she parallel parked for the first time and did it perfectly , except that she stopped a couple of times rather than doing it in one smooth move . It turns out her instructor has come up with a mathematically precise method for parallel parking . After describing it to her , she followed it and it worked perfectly ! She 's described it to me and I * think * I understand it , but I 'm not sure . I don 't parallel park very often , so I haven 't had a chance to try it myself . Eldest and I had our first sales day at the event that will be happening every Saturday . With the weather , we ended up indoors and some artists never showed . Still , we had traffic and people who came specifically to see the sale . No one bought anything from any of us , but I hope the word spreads . We 've got word of a couple of other events , some my stuff doesn 't qualify for but Eldest will be able to take part in . On Father 's Day , we had plans to go to some botanic gardens run by a local university . Dh had asked for it as his Father 's Day gift , as we haven 't been in years . In the end , he had to stay home as he was in too much pain , but he encouraged us to go anyhow . Youngest stayed home with him , but I went wtih Eldest , The Watcher and Beetle Child . The girls had a blast right from the start as we left the city and drove through farm land and small towns to get there . The gardens are extensive and there was no way we 'd be able to see all of it ( we 've been there several times in the past and still haven 't seen all of it ) , but we got the big ones - a wetlands area , some different temperate zone gardens , a butterfly garden and finally a gloriously groomed Japanese garden . On Monday , the girls got to spend most of the day with their mom , then they got to see her again on Tuesday , which is pretty darn awesome ! It 's so good to see them being able to spend time with her . Their behaviour and attitudes are noticeably changing . Perhaps the most obvious change we 're seeing is how they are responding to the other residents at the care centre . They had been taught by their dad to avoid the residents for fear of catching whatever they had , and when a resident greeted them , they would turn away , avoid eye contact and ignore them . Now , they 're talking to people and getting to know some of them , and are so much happier ! It 's been an amazing thing to see . I finally got an email from their dad on the Saturday . He apologized for not contacting us sooner , explaining that he had to search for a company with month to month internet rather than yearly contracts , so it took a while . He mentioned some things about his father 's condition and , to be honest , it sounds really off . I have no idea what his father is supposed to be sick with , but the combination of things he mentioned just don 't make sense . Ah , well . Then he said that he wanted to Skype with the girls on Sunday at noon . He 's never asked us when would be a good time before , but until now , it had never been an issue . Since we were already planning on the trip to the gardens and wouldn 't be home at the time he wanted , I wrote back saying we wouldn 't be there and gave an evening alternative , or a Monday morning alternative . I ended up going to see the girls ' mom that evening and arrived as she was reading an email from him that had just come in . It was mind blowing ! One of the most vile , disgusting emails I 've encountered . He repeatedly went on about how much he hated her , how much he wished she were dead , etc . etc . It was so bad , she 's planning to get a restraining order for when / if he comes back . So completely different from the relatively polite email I had received just a short time before . Wow . I didn 't hear back from him about the alternate times until Monday night , though I sent him an email on the Sunday night with a link to a photo set I 'd put online , as there were so many photos . I logged onto the girls ' Skype account at the times I 'd suggested , just in case . I didn 't hear from him until Monday night . This time , the email was far less polite . He objected to the photos being online , which is fine , but then went on about how the photos of the girls belonged to them and should only be on their computer . He then proceeded to make accusations and insults about various things , then making vague threats if I don 't do what he wants , then telling me what day and time he wanted to talk to the girls . Interestingly , while the girls were clearly looking forward to talking to him , they didn 't seem as excited as the first time we tried this . When he didn 't show up , they didn 't express any disappointment , either . They just made a few questioning comments about why he might not have been able to log on . Then we had lunch , Eldest painted their nails , and now they 're watching Avatar - Eldest has the entire series , and they 've been really enjoying working their way through it all . Youngest has started her driver 's instructor training - all of one session so far , but another in the morning . I was also able to get her a bit of driving time for her to log in as well . She 's got a card to mark down how much time she drives , including with the instructor . The driving school recommends 50 - 60 hours of driving time before taking a road test . She 's definitely a lot more comfortable behind the wheel after just the one session . I 'm hoping to be able to give her more opportunities to drive , but the limitations of her learner 's license make it a bit difficult at times . Ah , well . Also , the vehicle she gets to drive during her sessions is a lot smaller than our minivan , and handles quite differently . I 'm glad to see her awareness of the differences . Learning to drive on a larger vehicle will sure help with her confidence , I think ! The Watcher and Beetle Child have been doing well . We had a bit of a breakthrough , though I expect other incidents like this over the next while . The Watcher had been moody and taking it out on people ; especially her sister . Eldest called her on her behaviour , asking her what was wrong . At first , The Watcher said there was nothing wrong . Then it was because she was missing her dad . Then it was because she wanted a Popsicle . No , actually , it was because she really missed her dad . . . When I got there , The Watcher was clearly upset and on the verge of crying . I invited her to sit with me on her sister 's bed ( since I can 't climb up on the top bunk ! ) and gave her a hug . I told her I was sure that missing her dad was part of what was wrong , but that I thought maybe she was feeling angry , too . After asking a few questions , it all started to pour out . She started to talk about court dates , and how she feared that when her dad came back , she could only see him at limited times , as they already do with their mom . She was upset because he had promised to spend a whole day with them before leaving , then suddenly he was at the airport and gone . She was upset about not knowing when he would be coming back . Basically , it was just all bubbling inside her . I told her it was perfectly understandable for her to be having so many confused feelings , and that she and her sister have had to deal with a lot of things they really shouldn 't have to be dealing with as such young ages . I ended up sharing some stories from my own family to help explain how sometimes , things don 't turn out the way we want them to , but we have to deal with what we 've got . I told her that , while we could hope that he would be back in a few months , we really don 't know much of anything , so their mom and I have to plan for all sorts of possibilities . I made sure to tell them ( her sister had joined us by then ) that we were glad that they could be with us , and that we would make sure that they were taken care of , no matter how things worked out . After that , there was a noticeable improvement in her behaviour . In fact , the last time I saw their mom , she commented that she has noticed positive changes in both their behaviours in just this short length of time . They 're really starting to open up and blossom . On top of this , I joined their mom for a court date the other day . This was something the dad had instigated . This was actually a follow up session , as the court wanted more time to look at the files and have a longer time in court to deal with the issue . The dad , who was representing himself , has apparently blocked the email addresses from the lawyer , refused papers he was served with and not picked up registered mail he had been sent , all of which was information he needed to be able to represent himself . He made a vague attempt to cancel the court date but , when told the process he needed to go through to do so , didn 't . He never told anyone but us and the girls that he was even gone . He cut communication off with them entirely . Needless to say , the court session went well for their mom ! Most of it will have no affect on him until he comes back , and nothing has been taken from him . The big thing for me is that the court has appointed me interim guardian . This will make things much easier - for example , I can sign the home school registration papers for the girls . I have joint decision making with their mom . If he 's gone for 6 months or more , I can apply for full guardianship , which would be a simple process under the circumstances . Whatever the situation is with the dad , as long as he 's gone , their mom is the only person who has any legal responsibility for the kids and , with MS being the illness that it is , there 's no predicting how her health will progress over the next few months . Hope for the best , plan for the worst . If something happens to her , I can now still take care of things . I just have to wait on the court documents to be sent to me to make it official . Well , it 's already official . I just need the paperwork as proof . As for their dad , we have heard nothing from him since the phone call I wrote about in my last post . He has not responded to the emails I 'd sent ( it 's unlikely that he still has had no Internet connection of any kind in all this time ) . He has not tried to call again . He had been at his brother 's when he called , but we have no way of knowing if that 's where he still is . Today , Youngest and I went out for tea and what was supposed to be a driving lesson ( which got skipped , because she is having troubles with her eyes . We 're going to have to take her back for another eye test ) . This was the first chance I 've had to talk to Youngest about some of the things she 's had to deal with since our two new charges have joined us . I 've also decided on handles for them . The 7 yr old is the Beetle Child , because when she goes to bed she curls up like an adorable little beetle . I have to fight the urge to squee every time I see her do it . * L * The 8 1 / 2 yr old is The Watcher . We 're not sure what 's going on yet , but she has a tendency to come up and just . . . watch . She doesn 't say anything , though she looks like she 's about to . When asked , she says she doesn 't want anything . She just . . . watches . Which is disconcerting when I discover her behind me while I 'm on the computer checking my email , and I find she 's trying to read it over my shoulder . I 've had to explain to her that reading over some one 's shoulder uninvited isn 't a good thing , but it 's especially not a good thing to be reading other people 's email . Her response ? " That 's your email ? " The other day , while I was out with Eldest for a couple of hours , Youngest was home with Dh and the girls . The girls had been promised that we would use their Blizzard machine to make some blizzards before the packets it came with expired . Since Eldest and I were out and Dh 's back has gone downhill again , that left Youngest to take care of it . The machine had never been used before , so Youngest first had to wash it , then assemble it , use a hammer to crush ice cubes in a bag , and finally set it up so they could take turns working the machine . When finished , she doled out the resulting treat , which they ate with gusto . Then she cleaned it all up afterwards . The entire time this went on , they managed to be in the way at every step of preparation , from blocking the path between kitchen sink and table to hammering to assembly , etc . They completely ignored her requests for space . They were also dismissive , displayed a demeanor Youngest described as extremely entitled and not once did they thank her for what she did , nor show any sort of appreciation for all the work she did to prepare everything and do everything . Youngest told me that , for the first time in her life , she was angry enough to cry ! Rather than take it out on the girls , she want for a very long walk . At least a couple of miles . I don 't recall at the moment if I mentioned that their father is a Muslim . . . of sorts . He doesn 't seem to be much of a practicing Muslim , other than in some of the things he tells the girls and that he expects them to do . Some of these things are not really part of Islam , and some are actually haram - forbidden by Islamic law . Apparently , The Watcher started the conversation by telling Youngest ( paraphrasing slightly ) , " just to let you know , so don 't freak out or anything , but we 're Muslims . " Youngest told them she already knew that . Then The Watcher began telling her about Islam - at least the version she has been taught ! Then , without actually naming them ( it took a while for Youngest to figure out who she was talking about ) , she started talking about Cain and Abel . Allah apparently liked Abel because he was a good boy , but didn 't like Cain because he was a bad boy . Then , when Cain killed Abel , Allah came down in the shape of a bird to teach Cain how to bury the body , and that 's why we bury bodies now , and isn 't that a good thing , because if we didn 't the world would smell really bad . At some point , The Watcher asked Youngest if she knew who Jesus was . She answered yes , and was then told that Jesus was a prophet . Youngest mentioned that she was a Christian and pointed out her Bible in her bookshelf . Beetle Child then piped up to ask what a Bible was , to which The Watcher answered , " it 's a book that Jesus wrote . " The conversation then got around to dreams , with The Watcher asking if Youngest ever had bad dreams . Youngest answered that she didn 't usually have dreams , but when she did , they tended to be weird . She was then informed that : This from the child that was telling me in another conversation ( while this was happening , in fact ) that sometimes , when she eats and still feels hungry afterwards , her father taught her to say a word , which she repeated to me , telling her that it would make her not be hungry anymore , and it really works ! So if she still feels hungry after eating , or if her stomach hurts , she should say this word and she feels better . She had been given another word to say if she was in bed and couldn 't sleep , and it really worked , too ! I asked her if she knew what the words meant , but she didn 't . I couldn 't even repeat either word , as they were in Arabic ( a language she does not actually know how to speak ) and all I could hear clearly was that they ended with - allah . Basically , she was taught to use these words like some sort of magical incantations , without any explanation as to what they actually meant . Meanwhile , they had an appointment to Skype with their dad this morning , which I only found out about last night . They neglected to mention it to us until it happened to come up in conversation with Dh . So we got them set up on the laptop their mom provided for them ( which has been a major point of contention between their parents , for the most ridiculous reasons , yet bad enough to be brought to the court level ) . At first , we were going to set them up in the living room , where they had more space and could sit comfortably on the couch while both being visible to the web cam on the laptop . We were told , however , that this would not be good , as they would be talking about " family matters . " They got all dressed up in pretty dresses and sat together in their little chairs in front of the laptop , which we 've had to set up on the top of a storage bin we gave them for their toys , waiting . We did warn them that they might not be able to talk to their dad , as Dh told me he couldn 't get into the account their dad had set up for them ( turns out they just couldn 't remember the password ) , so I 'd made a new one . I sent the information to their dad by email , but had not received a response . In fact , we 'd heard nothing from him yet , but figured there 's a lot going on right now at his end . If he hadn 't checked his email , he wouldn 't know how to connect with them . Since they couldn 't remember what his Skype name was , I couldn 't sent an invite . After a while , I did try something and logged them out . When going to log back in again , I checked the drop down list and found his Skype name on the list , so I was able to send an invite to him . Now , I 'd never heard of the movie before , but Eldest noticed it and she * had * heard of it before . It 's notorious for being an incredibly terrible movie , made only because of the popularity of The Prince of Egypt . We are all also aware that , in Islam , portraying living things is haram , and portraying an image of Muhommad is especially haram ( though apparently Muhammad himself is never depicted in the movie ) . Even their mom , on seeing the wallpaper , mentioned to me that the image was actually forbidden by Islam . I didn 't mention this to them . I don 't think they 're ready to hear it yet . There 's just too much else they need to deal with . After almost half an hour , we gave up waiting . Understandably , they were quite upset . About an hour later , however , we got a call from an international number . It was their dad . It turns out that he has not been able to find a reliable internet connection yet . When it became clear the call was completely cut off , Dh had a conversation with them . He pointed out that they were going to be able to talk to their dad only once a week , and did they really think he 'd want to hear them bickering and complaining right away ? They both started to make excuses ( " that 's what I 'm used to " is their most common justification for their behaviour ) , but he shut that down and told them again why it wasn 't a good idea to do this , that it would make their father worry at a time when he 's far away and can 't do anything about it , etc . We 've how had our two new additions to our family living with us for about a week and a half . Eldest and Youngest have gone above and beyond to make them welcome and keeping them busy . As I write this , Eldest has gone out for a walk with both of them . Youngest is waiting for Dh to wake from a nap and , hopefully , go for some driving practise . Things have been truly interesting , and not all in a good way , with the girls . Their father should be in Egypt by now . We got a phone call from him at 8am on Monday morning , asking to talk to his daughters . In passing , I asked where he was , and he told me he was at the airport . The number he was calling from was from Toronto . He 's actually been out of the province since at least the 31st , and I only know that because I had to talk to his old building manager . A building manager that is quite unhappy with the stuff and mess left behind , as it 's going to cost them a lot of haul it away and fix the apartment . There are going to be legal issues to deal with , but our biggest concern is going to be dealing with the fallout of their situation . Their dad may have been talking to me about being away for a year or two ( while also saying he might come back in months ) , but the girls are under the impression he 'll be back before the end of the year . He 'd promised them a whole day together before he left , which turned out to be just a couple of hours on Thursday , saying he 'd be leaving on Sunday . I now am thinking he had told them he 'd see them one last time before he left , to say goodbye . As if that wasn 't bad enough , as I was trying to comfort one of them after the phone call , along with her sister ( who was pretty blasé about the whole thing ) , she mentioned wanting to be on the plane and going to Egypt with him , only to have her sister say " yeah , but Mom wouldn 't let us . " Yeah . Nothing to do with him being gone for months or years or who knows how long . Nothing to do with the travel advisory against Canadians traveling to Egypt that 's in effect right now . Nothing to do with the uprisings and violence going on there . Nope . It was Mom 's fault . So far , they seem to be quite happy with us , and have told their mother as much , which is nice to hear . They 're great kids , and we 're happy to have them with us . It 's still going to have its challenges , as we discover more and more that we will have to address carefully . The last thing we want to do is seem like we are attacking their father or trying to turn them against him ( which he has been doing with them against their mother for about 2 years now ) , yet the reality is he 's mislead them , lied to them and taught them behaviours and attitudes that are not appropriate ( though some go a long way to explaining why he was never able to get a job ) . I will never lie to the girls , but how to I explain to them the reality of earning money , and what a privilege it is that Dh earns enough to support all of us , when their father was essentially scamming the welfare system and too proud to take jobs that were all but handed to him on a platter ( actually , at least one job * was * handed to him on a platter , and he refused it . It was beneath him , you see ) ? How do I explain to them that they really are allowed to see their mother whenever they want , and that his keeping from her in the last while was not only completely his fault ( he told them it was hers ) , but illegal ? We 're still working on basic manners and social behaviour right now , and it 's only been a short while , so there will be time . It 's a fine line to walk ! On top of all this , he left without passing on to me any of their important ID , from birth certificates and citizenship papers , to health care and SIN cards . The only thing I got was their library cards , and we couldn 't even use those , as there was a note on their file that nothing could be taken out without his signature on it . Their mom ended up having to get completely new cards from them . Meanwhile , we had our scheduled facilitator visit , and he was able to do the girls at the same time . It went rather well , and they were actually pleased to be able to show him their stuff ( I had some concerns , as they had been taught to fear / be rude to strangers , and that men / boys are bad ) . He 'd come late , so they had just enough time to do that before heading to bed . Thankfully , he was able to stay for quite some time after that and we had a great visit as well . Eldest is now officially completed her schooling , so only Youngest is registered for next year with us . We can 't register the girls , but their mother will be able to take care of that , thankfully . It 's pretty loosey - goosey with Youngest these days , since she 's pretty much in charge of her own direction now . Recently , she 's started on a script for one of her stories that Eldest has promised to illustrate for her . With Youngest 's background in mythology , particularly Norse , she 's come up with some very unusual and creative story lines . At least one of them is something she 'd like to see animated . This spring , we were able to get a plot in the new raised bed gardens assigned to us , and last night we finally planted . On one side , we 've got lettuces , onions and peppers ( Eldest * really * wanted us to have veggies in there ! ) while the other has groups of flowers that Youngest and the girls picked themselves . We 've also got our balcony garden , which is all Youngest 's this year . The girls have a large pot where they 've planted some beans they had and we just added a couple of strawberries , too . Youngest planted dill , lettuces , carrots and spinach , as well as her Forget Me Nots that she got from the veterinary hospital after we had to put down her cat , planted in a decorated pot . Those are all coming up nicely . There 's also some avocados that she 'd started indoors over a month ago , and a couple of flowers she 'd picked up in the last while . She does love her flowers ! Well , the kids aren 't back yet , but Dh is up - though his back is not up to taking Youngest driving after all - and the TV is on behind me . Very distracting ! Time to say goodnight . One thing you can be sure of . If you see very few blog posts , it means that life has been very busy , or at least very distracting ! Time has been flying by in a blur . The primary distraction of our home routine is that Dh has been working from home - or just plain home - most days . Sometimes , he manages a few hours at the office , but not very often . Part of that is because the special chair they ordered for him still hasn 't come in , so the temporary chair he 's got is not doing is back any favours . What usually happens is that he goes to bed feeling fine , gets up to get ready for work , but by the time he 's done his morning routine , his back is either in massive pain , or it goes out completely . So he works from home . Meanwhile , we 've made plans for the day that typically involve using the computer , or at least the downstairs . Those go out the window . Some of it can be delayed only so long . It really messes with Eldest 's scanning and graphic work . Speaking of Eldest , she 's got good progress on her web comic and online stuff , and still has a display of her paintings at a local tea shop . One of those sold , then she got a phone call from someone interested in a print of it . She doesn 't have a good enough digital copy of it , but she might get a commission , instead ! Meanwhile , her first festival is coming up soon , then in the middle of June , she 'll have her weekend activities . Youngest is in the middle of her driver 's ed . classes . She 's learning lots , and it not too impressed with some of her classmates . LOL Her in - car instruction will be next month . Not that we 're nearing the end of our home schooling journey . In fact , if things go well , we 're going to be starting all over again with a 7 and a ( by then ) 9 yr old . It 's a long and convoluted story I 've made reference to before , but the short of it is , we will be having the daughters of a friend moving in with us this week . Their father is expecting to leave the country for a family concern , but we don 't know when . We don 't even know how long they will be with us , but their father has been talking a year or two before he can come back . To us , Dh and I welcome them as our own daughters , and I 'm truly honoured that their mother felt she could ask us to take them in . I can think of no greater compliment than for someone to feel we are good enough to parent their children when they are not able to . It 's quite humbling . The girls ( I 'm going to have to come up with new handles for the kids , since Eldest and Youngest won 't quite work anymore ! ) are already home schooled and have even been registered with the same board we are . They will continue to be registered through their mother , but we 'll likely transfer them to our facilitator . I 've already mentioned the possibility of a couple of extra children around when he gets here for our visit . Should be interested ! ! They should have already had their own facilitator visit , I think , and their registrations would have already been taken care of there . I 've been seriously lax in updating this blog . That 's not a good thing , since this is where I 'm supposed to be keeping at least some record of our home schooling activities . I 've discovered a few different short cuts to posting , some of which don 't require actually being on the computer , that should make things easier - I just have to remember to use them ! ! Most of the time , I 've been using them to make more posts on my companion blog . One of the main issues that has been keeping me away from my writing has been my husband 's ongoing health problems . He 's been working from home quite a lot lately . I am so incredibly grateful for how supportive his employers have been ! Just to give an idea of how often he can 't make it into the office ; this past week , he made it in to the office on Monday . Tuesday , he lasted until 11 , then finished the day at home . Wednesday , he worked from home again , but by Thursday he was in so much pain , he wasn 't even able to do that . Friday , he worked from home again . With as much absenteeism as he 's been having , it was no surprise when , a while back , he got called into a meeting with the new HR person . It 's always nerve wracking when that happens . There is always this fear in the background that he 's going to lose his job . Each time this has happened , however , he 's only been asked what was going on , and if something at work has been causing problems ( high stress levels , for example ) . The last time this happened , he had been called to a meeting at office headquarters , which is just a few blocks from our place . He can 't really walk the distance anymore , so I drove him in , then found a place to pull over so I could drive him to his work site after . Instead , I got a text saying to go home . The person he was meeting was running late . She ended up being 20 minutes late , breezing in with a passing apology , then started asking him about the absenteeism . By the time he described what was going on with his back , the entire atmosphere of the meeting changed dramatically . He got a much more serious apology for her lateness , as well as for asking him to go to HQ for the meeting instead of her going to his work site or just having a phone meeting . After more discussion , one of the things that came up was how painful it is to sit for extended periods . We 've been able to set him up at home where he can sit with better support for longer , plus he can go lie down when he has to , but he doesn 't have anything like that at work . In the end , with a prescription for a proper chair from the doctor 's office ( did you know you can get a prescription for a chair ? You can ! ) , she started to ball rolling and he soon had a new chair at the office that provided the lumbar support and adjustability he needs . Things got a bit weird when they suddenly came to take the chair back - it turned out to be just a tester - but his on - site boss had a bit of a fit when he found out about it and was able to get it back again , rather than waiting the 4 - 6 weeks it would take to get the paperwork finished . There are two downsides to Dh working from home so much , though . One is , he really doesn 't have the temperament for it . He 's gotten a lot better than in past attempts to work from home , but I think it has more to do with the fact that he has little choice than because it 's gotten any easier for him . Even so , after a while , he really starts to go stir crazy . He * needs * to get out and to the office . Interestingly , he often accomplishes more working from home than in the office . Fewer disruptions , no getting pulled into sudden meetings and so on . That probably goes a long way to alleviating any concerns his employers might have to his working from home so often . Still , sometimes he just needs to get face to face with his co - workers , the client and so on . On top of that , cabin fever starts to eat at him and he starts getting all jittery and stuff . Meanwhile , he didn 't even bother to mention the problems he 's been having with his knees , ankle and a few other issues he 's been having . As for treatment , he 's been in a bit of a bind . One of the best things he can do , and recommended to him at the spine clinic , is swimming . He 's got a gym membership and he 's supposed to do more to improve core strength and try to lose at least some of the weight to take the pressure off his back . The specialist at the spine clinic didn 't make a big deal about the weight and was very clear that he understood that this was something Dh has little control over . As long as he can manage to improve his core strength , it 'll help , even if it doesn 't translate into lower numbers on the scale . So Dh has started swimming . He 's starting slow ; just once a week , doing breast stroke laps . Unfortunately , even taking it as easy as he is , by the next day he can barely stand upright , never mind walk , from the pain . It 's going to take time and we know it , but it 's incredibly frustrating . Dh has always been very physically active , so on top of the frustration , it 's a pretty huge blow to his ego . The other downside of Dh working from home so often is that he needs the desktop . Which means the girls and I get it for 2 hours when he takes lunch . Yes , when he 's at home , he takes 2 hour lunches , which involve lying down . He doesn 't take any of the 15 minute coffee breaks he 's supposed to . At the office , unless he goes out to lunch , he eats at his desk then closes his eyes to music . It works out . One thing he has learned to do when working from home is to " leave the office " at the end of the day . In the past , he ended up working longer hours from home than he would have outside of home , and that was just not a good thing at all . Now he 's very firm about ending his day . He does , however , still enjoy his Warcraft , and the office chair we 've got at home is still the best one we 've got in the house for his back , so he does come back on again later in the evening . Which means the rest of us have just a few hours to catch up on the things we need to do on the desktop . Eldest often has pages to scan for her online comic , or paintings to scan in pieces and stitch together to post in her online gallery . She 's got her photo blog now , too . Eldest has really been focusing on her art . She 's now set up to do online sales and commissions . She 's pushing to get a large buffer of pages finished for the comic so that she doesn 't have to worry about it during the summer festival season . For one of them , which will be weekly in a nearby bedroom community , I plan to set up a booth and sell my crochet , too . We 're hoping it 'll work out better than last year . A few changes have already been made that should improve things . Youngest is still in a bit of a funk . She wants a direction to aim for , but has no idea where that is . She 's still enjoying her guitar lessons , though she isn 't practicing as much as she knows she should , which bugs her . She 's been working on her own art skills which have been improving , though she 's having a hard time seeing that in herself ( flipping through old sketchbooks helps ) . Her interest in mythology has had her finish going through all the Norse stuff she could find and she 's now working her way through Icelandic sagas . She still detests Greek and Roman mythology . * L * She 's been working on a few crochet designs , and has taught herself to knit , which had her almost immediately doing cables and now she 's working on a pair of socks for me using elastic yarn and 4 needles . Then she wonders why the rest of us are all agog at her progress . We haven 't been able to take her out driving as often as we expected to , so we 're planning on using some of our homeschool funding to pay for her to go to a driving school . I have to find one that does purchase orders , which means I need both the computer and the phone at the same time ; something I haven 't had during business hours with Dh working from home so often . * sigh * She 's also wanting to get herself a job , but doesn 't know what job she wants to apply for ( though she knows what she * doesn 't * want , such as cashier or sales ) . Will need to help her with that . There are lots of jobs available right now , so it 's mostly her own self doubt that is keeping her from going out there and getting one . As for me , I 've been teaching crochet classes , but as a job and as private lessons . Not a lot of people around here are interested in taking classes , though . Instead , I 've been getting commissions , which is kinda nice . I 'll use this summer to see how doing market sales will work out , and I still need to sit down at the computer and write out some of my patterns to international standards so I can start selling them . I 've also got some writing work that I need to step up on , as well So while things have been quite on the blog , it 's because things have been hectic in the real world - which means I 've had plenty to write about , but little opportunity to actually do it until things start getting quite late . Like right now , as I finish this at past 2 am ! ! |
I own none of the fandoms for which I am making fics of . They belong to those who created and published them . I am just playing with them . Title : The Defiant Ones Author : rivermoon1970 Fandom : Criminal Minds Artist : blythechild , the art above is an original work and is owned and copyrighted to blythechild . Do not download or share said work . For the rest of the art for this story please click on the name and it will re - direct you to the page . Summary : After a one night stand , Spencer finds out he 's pregnant . Ashamed of that fact , once he can no longer hide his baby bump , he takes time off from the BAU . When he returns , he doesn 't know how to tell the team . Hotch stumbles upon Spencer with that baby and their worlds change . Spencer Reid woke up in bed alone . Which wasn 't an oddity . He 'd woken up in bed alone since his college girlfriend had dumped him . What was strange was that he felt like he shouldn 't have woken up alone . He rolled over to look at the clock and that 's when he felt it . A small ache in his ass that told him exactly what had happened the night before . He was horrified . Reaching out to grab the trashcan , Spencer looked in it . Relieved that there was a condom in there . He remembered going to the bar with the team but after his second drink things were a little fuzzy . He hadn 't drank that much . There was no way that he had drunk enough to forget what had happened . Had he been drugged ? He reached out and grabbed his phone , there were no missed calls . When he walked in the bullpen close to noon , stopping on his way to get a late breakfast / early lunch he found that everyone was looking at him . He threw away his bag with the wrapper from his sandwich but kept the fries with him . His cup of pop was in his left hand . " I just went to see my doctor . I 've missed my last two checks up due to cases and since we are just doing paperwork today I figured it was my best shot . I texted Hotch . " Spencer was defensive . Everyone else could show up late , miss a day , and everything was fine . If he missed a day then he was set upon with worry . " I got a clean bill of health , minus bloodwork . " " You don 't have blood , Reid . You have coffee filled veins , " Prentiss joked , trying to lighten the mood . She at least could tell that something was bothering him . " No wonder the doctor looked worried when she drew blood . " Spencer smiled even though he didn 't feel it . He sat down at his desk placing his messenger bag underneath it and settled down to work on his files . He was happy that no extras had been slipped in for once . Aaron hated the ringing of his phone . It always drew him away from things , his son , his relaxation but this time it was a warm body in the bed beside him . Grabbing his phone before it could wake his bed partner . " Hotchner . " He listened as a cop he 'd sent a consult to asked a few questions and gave him some updated information . " I don 't have the file in front of me . Give me about an hour and I 'll call you back . " Hanging up , Aaron reached out and ruffled the hair of Spencer . The younger man shifted even closer to him . He wrapped his arm around the body snuggled into him and relished in the feel for a few minutes . He 'd need to find his clothes and then go to the office . Thankfully he had a spare go bag there and he could pop into the showers off the gym . " Spencer … " Aaron shook his shoulder and after a long minute the genius finally rolled over . He blinked his eyes several times before a smile settled on his face . " I 've got a case I need to consult on . It 's still really early , I didn 't want to leave without telling you . " " No . Get some sleep . I 'm going to head into the office and shower there so I can change into clean clothes . You catch a few more hours sleep . " Aaron leaned over and kissed him . Spencer willingly parted his lips and the older man dipped his tongue inside . The taste of him was intoxicating . He didn 't want to leave Spencer 's bed . He finally had what he wanted . Reluctantly pulling back , Aaron pecked a kiss to Spencer 's nose and then his forehead , rolling out of bed before he talked himself into a round three . It was hard to leave the younger man lying there in bed . He 'd rolled over while Aaron had been getting dressed and had wrapped his arms around the pillow Aaron had used during the night . He was still naked and the blankets had slipped to where his back and the top of his ass were uncovered . He wanted nothing more than to slip back into bed with him . That would have to wait until later . He 'd ask Jessica to watch Jack on a weekend night so that he keep Spencer in bed the entire night and have his way with him as many times as he wanted . Aaron left the bedroom , half hard from the images assaulting his brain . He knew that they needed to talk and so he made mental plans to take Spencer out to lunch . It wouldn 't be out of place . Everyone did it , just to make sure the genius ate something other than a protein bar from his desk drawer and drank more than coffee at lunch . The text from Spencer wasn 't really a shock . He knew that the younger man had missed several doctor 's appointments lately , including having to get an eye exam in California just so he could get new glasses when a suspect in a case broke his and due to irritated eyes he couldn 't wear his contacts . He couldn 't fault him for wanting to do it when he had the chance . What disappointed him was when he watched Spencer throw away a fast food bag after grabbing the fry box from it and taking a healthy swig of pop . The fries were gone by the time he sat down at his desk and the pop was set down where his coffee usually sat . So much for his plans for a nice lunch out with him . Aaron couldn 't help but watch him on and off . He 'd expected him to come up and talk to him . As the close of day came around , Aaron was worried . Maybe last night hadn 't meant as much to the younger man as it had him . Maybe it had been a one time thing . " I finished all my backlog of case files as well as thirteen consults . " Spencer set the folders down and then moved to the door . " Can I take off ? " " Nothing 's wrong , Hotch . I just didn 't get a lot of sleep last night . I cleared my desk though and I just want to go home and relax . " " I know . " Then Spencer was gone . Aaron sighed and let his head drop into his hands . His plans were dashed . Spencer didn 't even want to talk about it . He was acting like nothing had changed when to Aaron everything had changed . Last night had been wonderful . The happiest that Aaron had been outside of Jack 's birth for many years . He thought it had meant something . Spencer didn 't seem the type to do one night stands but that seemed to be exactly what last night had been . Aaron sighed one last time , pushing all his thoughts of Spencer as anything other than Reid out of his mind . Reid was who he had to look at the young man as . Otherwise his heart was going to break . Spencer barely made it to the bathroom before he threw up into the toilet . He 'd been feeling off since lunch the day before but he hadn 't thought he 'd actually get sick . When he hadn 't stopped throwing up an hour later , he called Hotch . He hadn 't even looked at the time . " It 's Reid . Sorry Hotch . I … hold on . " Spencer dropped the phone to the floor after hitting mute and threw up again . When he was pretty sure he wasn 't going to throw up again he picked up the phone and unmuted it . " Sorry . Hotch . I think I caught the bug going around the office . " " I kind of figured when you muted me . You don 't ever mute your phone . Just go back to bed and rest . If you don 't feel better by Friday , go see your doctor just to make sure it 's not something else . We 've been on back to back cases for four weeks . Take care of yourself and check in with one of us once a day so we know you are alive . " " Sure . Bye . " Spencer hung up before he heard Hotch 's goodbye . He felt the urge to throw up coming and didn 't want to have the other man hear him . He set his phone on the counter above his head and settled down leaning on his toilet . He hated being sick . When Spencer wasn 't feeling any better by Friday , he texted Hotch and told him he was going to see his doctor . He hadn 't been to see her since he 'd gotten the results of the tests after his one night stand . He hadn 't been drugged and his blood alcohol was well below what it would have been if he 'd been drunk . She had no clue why he had no memory of that night . She 'd wanted to explore it more but he 'd put her off . He explained it was probably just tiredness and stress . Sitting in the waiting room to be fitted into her schedule was taxing . He 'd gone three times to throw up , always checking after he was done if he 'd been called . After the third the receptionist said she would keep an eye and if he wasn 't there she 'd check in the bathroom . His luck stayed and he heard the knock on the door calling him just after he 'd thrown up again . He called out to tell her he 'd be right out . Splashing water on his face and swishing some in in his mouth helped him feel better . The nurse was smiling at him when he exited the bathroom . He was led to the exact room he 'd been in last time . He sat down and the nurse took his vitals and he explained why he was in there . He told her that work needed a reason that he was out . " Doctor Hannah will be in to see you in a few . " The nurse left him with a vomit container and he just laid back on the table with the container sitting on his stomach where he could grab it . He was almost asleep when the doctor knocked on the door . Spencer sat up as she entered the room . He smiled and waved . Doctor Hannah waved back , she was used to his quirks . " It 's been going around the office . I 'm the only one on my team that seems to have caught it . And up until a few days ago we 'd been pretty much gone for four weeks straight . " By the time he was done and his hands were washed , the nurse was there with the vials and needle . He held out his arm and she took three vials . She also took the cup of pee after labeling it . " Doctor Hannah will be back with the results of the flu test in a little bit . Try and rest , Doctor Reid . " The nurse smiled at him and then he was alone again . He relaxed back again , waiting for the results of the swab . The others would take at least a day . " You marked on your questionnaire that you are not a male carrier , Doctor Reid . " She looked up at him . He had marked that because he wasn 't . " That 's because I am not . No one on my mother or father 's side of the family has ever presented as one . I was tested at age five and it came back fine . I have the paperwork at home . " Dread filled his stomach . Now he was sick feeling for a different reason . " That would have been in the middle of the eighties yes ? A lot of doctors were paid to hide the results . Katie got your urine sample and another patients messed up . Her last name is the same as your first and well … she ran a pregnancy test on it . It came back positive . I ran the test again myself with a fresh sample from the cup and it 's correct . Blood test will take a day and if I go back to the last time you had sex , we should be able to see something on the ultrasound . " " Yes . " Spencer jumped at that . If she had ran the test a second time . He laid his hand on his stomach . Did he have a baby in there ? How did he have a baby in there ? His mother 's side of the family had never had a case of male pregnancy . Last estimate had the population that could carry a child under half of one percent . His dad had said that no one in his family tested positive either . And he 'd gone to get the test done , Nevada required it . He 'd seen the results and he 'd had to have the paperwork for the Bureau . It wouldn 't have stopped him from getting in but his healthcare would have been different . The FBI had the best healthcare for male carriers . There was no way to keep this silent . He didn 't want the team to know but he 'd have to talk to Strauss . He 'd have to get his healthcare switched over . Thankfully the doctor had already taken blood . One of those vials would now be set aside to test his DNA for the gene . " This is Doctor Spencer Reid , Doctor Reid this is Doctor Seth Rosen . He 's the OB doctor in the practice for male carriers . Is it okay if he sits in with us ? " " Sure . " Spencer kept his eyes glued on the screen as Hannah tried to find the gestational sac . He was still too early for the actual embryo to be seen but the sac … and there it was . Spencer gasped . Hannah looked at Rosen and the man nodded . " It was a one night stand and I have no memory of the night . We ran tests and I wasn 't drunk and I wasn 't given anything . I 've settled that it was exhaustion and stress that lead to my memory being gone . " " The Bureau allows for abortion of fetus ' that are under fifteen weeks for male carriers with no questions asked . I 'm going to send you home with paperwork . When Doctor Hannah files with your insurance she 's going to put you down at ten weeks . I have a spot open in my Saturday schedule for eleven am . Do you want to come back and talk then ? " " I have some nausea bracelets as well . They will help . Think it over and make the right choice for you , Doctor Reid . You are the only one that matters . " Rosen clasped him on the shoulder and then he was alone . He pulled his feet up and tucked his knees under his chin . He was pregnant and he had no clue who the father was . He needed to talk to Strauss . Ten minutes later , the nurse came back . She had a prescription in her hand for prenatals for men , a small bag that when Spencer looked in he saw it was the bracelets . He pulled those out and put them on . The last thing she handed him was a slip . " Doctor Hannah issued this for an out of work slip until Wednesday . Take the time and rest like she said . We can fax it to … " The nurse looked at his paperwork . " The BAU for you if you wish . " " Sure . " The nurse was back in minutes with the new sheet of paper and Spencer thanked her and left . He was happy he 'd decided to take the bus to the doctor . He didn 't think he was in a position to drive at all . It was easy to let himself get lost in his mind , still he arrived at the office . He took the long way to Strauss 's office so that no one could see him . He didn 't want to run into the team . " When I applied at the academy , I gave over a copy of paperwork that my parents received from my doctor when I was tested at age five for the male carrier gene . I have to admit that the test result was wrong . I don 't know if my father paid off the doctor or the doctor was just wrong on the test . I just came from my doctor and we have confirmed a pregnancy . The blood work will take a day but I have seen the gestational sac . " Spencer handed over a copy of the test and Strauss looked at it . " I 'll get the paperwork changed and your health insurance updated at the quickest . You are not the only one to have this happen , Doctor Reid but usually it 's further testing that figures it out , not a pregnancy . Now it 's been a while but abortion is … " " I 'm ten weeks along . Ten weeks ago is the only time I 've had sexual contact with anyone in the past few years . I 've not decided what I want to do . I have four weeks to make a decision and get in for the procedure and before the Bureau will require a reason . " " And is there a reason ? Doctor Reid you look to be in a bit more than just shock . Whatever you tell me won 't leave this office . Ever . " " Ten weeks ago we were coming down off a pretty stressful case . I went out drinking with the team . I remember being at the bar and then I remember waking up . I was tested for drugs and I don 't remember drinking more than two drinks . I never do and I 've asked Morgan to make sure I don 't . I hate being hungover . The doctor and I have wracked it up to stress and exhaustion . I have no clue who the other father is . " " Oh , Spencer ! " Strauss was up and around the desk before Spencer could even react . He stayed still while she hugged him . He wasn 't going to break down . Still he took the comfort from her . She sat in the seat beside him . " You have six weeks until I will have to report this to Agent Hotchner if you decide to keep the fetus . " " I know . My doctor put me off till Wednesday . I go in tomorrow morning to talk to the OB for male carriers . I just wanted to make sure that my insurance was changed and to drop off my return to work date to Hotch . " " I 'll take care of that . I 'll tell Agent Hotchner I ran into you . Why don 't you let Mariah drive you home . I doubt you drove . " " You keep me informed . If you need anything call . " Strauss stood up and moved over to the door . " Mariah , please drive Doctor Reid home . Take him through the back so that no one sees him . He 's been feeling under the weather and I don 't want his team assaulting him . " Mariah was silent the entire trip to his apartment . Spencer was thankful . He had a lot of thinking that he needed to do . Mariah dropped him off with a call for him to get better and then she was gone . The bracelets seemed to be working for his nausea , morning sickness his mind supplied , seemed to be better . He detoured to the Chinese restaurant and placed his normal order . Within ten minutes he was walking up to his apartment with his bag of food . Grabbing a fork from the kitchen , Spencer settled down to eat and think . He went over everything . He could get the abortion and never think about it again . He could not abort and give them up for adoption . He could actually keep the baby and raise them . If he did that he 'd have to tell the team . Or he could take a leave of absence , citing his headaches as the reason and come back after he 'd had the baby . Everyone looked up to him . He was the good one on the team . He didn 't do things like this . He didn 't have one night stands . Spencer sat back with his hand on his stomach and knew that there was only one option . He 'd keep the appointment in the morning and see if Doctor Rosen knew a good OB for male carriers in Vegas . With his plans made , Spencer turned on his TV and finished his food . He was hungry and he had someone else to think of now . Hand on his stomach , he settled in for the night . Spencer fidgeted as he waited for Hotch the get into the office . Strauss didn 't like his decision but she understood his reasoning and agreed that it was his life . He wasn 't looking forward to this . He just hoped that the team could understand . Thankfully they all knew about his headaches after the horrible flight back from Florida . Morgan hadn 't been able to keep quiet . Spencer had his speech all planned out . He just hoped that Hotch kept to his side and didn 't get too caring . Of course , that didn 't seem to be a thing anymore . He hadn 't noticed it until the last time he 'd fallen asleep on the jet . It wasn 't long after that one night stand that Hotch had started to act cold towards him again . He had thought they were moving towards something more but then Spencer himself had withdrawn from things around that time as well , freaking out about his one night stand with a stranger . Thankfully it was winter and he was able to get away with sweaters in most of the country but on the last case they had been in Texas and that had been hard to hide his bump . It was at the wire too , another week and he 'd have to tell Hotch if he wanted to stay on the team . Strauss wasn 't happy about that either but he 'd promised to stay at the station wherever they were at so she had relented . He 'd found a wonderful supporter in her . He figured since her kids were on the outs with her at the moment that she was putting all her maternal instinct on him . His apartment was cleaned out and his mail forwarded to him in Vegas . He 'd found a nice first floor apartment near where he was going to be working at the University of Nevada at the Las Vegas campus which was actually located in the city of Paradise and not too far from Bennington . His mother was unaware of his plans , he wanted her to see him in person when he told her about his pregnancy and in the six weeks since finding out , he 'd had little time for anything but work and getting his plans in order . " I need to talk to you . I need to request a leave of absence . My headaches have been getting worse and I … " Spencer stopped and took a breath . This whole plan hinged on being able to lie to Hotch . " My doctor would like me to take at minimum six months off . I 've been pushing her off and she finally put her foot down as she was going to come in and force me out . " " I remember Doctor Hannah . She 's a spitfire . Is that the request ? " Hotch held out his hand for the paper . Spencer handed it over . " I understand why you are doing it , Reid and I am glad that you are taking the time to fix whatever is wrong . I know this is a scary time for you . " " Thanks , Hotch . I 'm going to work today and tell the team but I 'd like it to start as soon as possible . I want to go see mom . I 've not been able to and I miss her . " " Of course . I 'll make sure it gets processed . Why don 't we all do dinner tonight . A send off for you . And Reid I mean this , even if whatever is wrong is resolved before the six months is up , I want you to take the rest of it anyway . I see that your doctor wants the option of a year . " " She 's just overprotective . " Spencer smiled and Hotch gave him a small smile back . Spencer grabbed his bag from where he 'd set it outside Hotch 's door and moved to his desk . He just had to make it through today and everything would be fine . Aaron couldn 't figure out what was wrong with Reid . He wasn 't sure if he believed the headaches but whatever it was , his doctor felt that he needed time off . There was no way that Hotch wasn 't going to grant it . He didn 't want Reid to end up in the hospital . He wanted his agent safe . He wanted to go to his place and make him tell him what was wrong . He 'd gone through his life alone but he wasn 't alone anymore . He was surrounded by family . The going away dinner went well enough . Garcia was upset that he was taking time away but she understood . Even JJ was there with Will and Henry . The family was back together for one final time for a long while . The only bright side was that Hotch hoped he could use this to get JJ back . With Reid on leave , they needed the extra person and JJ taking back her part of the job would be perfect . He just needed to convince the higher ups of that . Aaron watched Reid as he left , citing a need for sleep . When he exited the restaurant , it looked like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders . Aaron sighed as he watched him leave . He felt almost as if Reid was walking away from him forever . Aaron exited his office with a large smile on his face . Today was the day that Reid was coming back to work . No one on the team knew it . He 'd kept it a secret from them . They all needed it . The last seven months without him had taken it 's toll . Seaver was almost done with her assignment with them and there were other sections chomping at the bit to get her . He was going to be sad to see her go but he wanted his team back . " BAU team , round table room please . " The team groaned as they closed whatever files they were working on . Aaron spotted Garcia and she looked confused . Aaron just kept his face passive as he followed them in and closed the door . He 'd been shocked when Reid wanted to surprise them but it hadn 't taken much planning to pull it off . He 'd already passed all qualification tests , he was back to full duty as of an hour before . " Seaver , there has been a lot of talk about who gets you and well Andi Swann wants to talk to you . Before that though , I 'm sorry to say that as of an hour ago we have another agent on the team to replace you . " Aaron had been talking to her about her options for a while and she knew that her time at the BAU was coming to a close . " How could you , Hotch ? " Morgan asked as he stood up . Before he could come around the table there was a knock at the door . Before anyone could say a word , Reid opened the door and stepped in . His face all smiles . Aaron 's heart caught in his throat . He looked better than he ever had . His hair was cut the shortest he 'd ever seen it . His face was full and the bruises under his eyes were mostly gone . He remembered Reid saying that nothing he did ever got rid of them all the way . Aaron 's heart ached . " Spence ? " " Kid ? " " Reid ? " " Boy Wonder ? " JJ , Rossi , Prentiss , and Garcia all called out as Reid shut the door behind him . Morgan was silent . Then Garcia was up and across the room in a flash . The younger man held his arms out for her hug , surprising the whole team . That spurred the rest of them into action . Seaver was the only one that hung back . She did move to stand beside Aaron just a few feet from the small crowd , all of them vying for Reid 's attention . " Thank you , Sir for allowing me to stay . You are back up to full staff and I think that the DTTF will be perfect for me . " Seaver stepped up and joined the fray . Getting hugs from everyone but Reid . The genius surprised Hotch though by shaking her hand . Then she was gone . It was just his team , his family back . Aaron could only nod . Reid had extracted himself from the group and moved up to shake his hand . He shocked the genius by pulling him into a hug . It felt so good to have him in his arms again after so long . It had been eleven long months and the last seven had been torture . Absence had made his heart grow a lot fonder of the younger man . " It 's good to have you back , Reid , " Aaron said as he pulled out of the hug . " We certainly missed you . " Aaron didn 't miss the way Reid 's eyes grew at the admission but the younger man just ducked his head and smiled . " I missed all of you . UNLV was great though . I took a small job there working on a research team . I rested and I feel a lot better . I 've been headache free for six months . " Aaron was watching him closely and he noticed the slight hitch to his voice . There was something else up with the hair . Aaron let him keep his secrets though . " Sure . Strauss actually suggested it when she signed off his approval back . " Aaron had been shocked that she 's suggested it . Things were a lot better with her but there was something else going on . Aaron let the rest of the team go ahead and he said he 'd meet them down at the cars . Dave hung back though . There was a look on his face that told Aaron that he wasn 't going to like what came out of his mouth . " So that bicycle I was talking about before . I 'm thinking that you already took a ride on a different one and never said a word . " Dave stared him in the eye and Aaron could only look away . His Hotchner glare didn 't work on Dave , not like that . " What 's up with you and the kid ? " " Remember that team night out about eleven months ago ? Where I took Reid home ? He invited me up for coffee . Jack was with Jessica and Roy for the week and I had nothing to go home to . I figured why not . We talked for a while and then one thing led to another and we ended up in bed . I 'll not go into details but a call came in early that morning and case I had consulted on took a strange turn and the lead detective wanted advice . I left and when he came in , it was like nothing had happened . He never brought it up and acted like it never happened . " " He offered to come in with me . I don 't know what happened . " Aaron had tried to figure it out so many times but he could only come up with one conclusion . " If he hadn 't only had two glasses of wine , I would believe that he was drunk enough to forget . I just … I don 't know if he freaked out but I wasn 't going to push him . We 've all seen him when he 's staying away from something . Our work relationship hasn 't changed . " " I 'll be fine . " Aaron had to be fine . Dave looked at him like he didn 't believe him but he sighed and left the room anyway . There was nothing else he could do . He loved the genius and he didn 't want to be away from him . The last seven months had been hell . He 'd do whatever he could to keep Reid on the team because the contact was enough . It had to be enough . Lunch was winding down when it came in . Reid was describing one of the pranks the researchers played on each other when Aaron 's phone went off . It was a text from Strauss . " Child abduction in Illinois . Third in two weeks . Anderson will meet us at the plane with the files . Garcia , Strauss will meet you at your office with your files . " Aaron sought out Reid 's face . " Reid , are you ready ? " The team was in the air under an hour later with files open and discussion going around of suspects and such . Aaron watched the team as they talked but also Reid . That 's when he noticed that his phone was different . It was the latest model IPhone . That shocked him . He 'd seen him texting someone at the restaurant but hadn 't paid any attention to the phone . " My fellow researchers were aghast at the fact that I had such an old phone . I was dragged to my phone store and forced to purchase something that befit someone with my degrees . They tried to talk me into an E - reader but I can 't read on them fast enough for my liking . They conceded on that point . " " Welcome to the Twenty First Century , Pretty Boy . " Morgan laughed . Reid blushed at the words and ducked his head . Whatever he was looking on his phone , made him smile . He typed out something and then locked the phone . Aaron was shocked at that . Not many of them actually locked their phone before setting it down , not on the plane . There was just them . He filed that knowledge away for later consumption . The case took them three days and while Reid was on his phone more than he had ever been before , he wasn 't on it during times he shouldn 't be . Whoever he was talking to made him smile and it wasn 't his normal smiles . No , the smiles were ones that Aaron really had never seen before . It made his heart ache because he was pretty sure that Reid had a significant other . " Sorry guys . I 'm pretty tired . First case back kind of took it all out of me , " Reid said as they exited the elevator onto their floor . Reid made right for his desk , grabbing a stack of files that hadn 't been there before they had left to go to lunch days before . He 'd been shocked that his desk was still his and had expressed that several times . " I just want to go home and crash . How about we make plans for this weekend ? Dinner out . " Aaron stepped up to pull him away from the team but JJ beat him to it . She pulled him from Morgan 's grasp and started to talk to him about taking Henry for a playday some time over the next week . Garcia entered the bullpen as the elevator doors were closing on the two leaving members . " All the cases while he was gone . He asked for them when you guys were on the plane back . Did he tell any of you what happened to his car ? " Garcia actually looked a little worried . " You stalking us in local police chatter ? " Morgan asked with a smile . Aaron laughed . She was obsessed with protecting them but it came from the right place and having quicker access to make and model of an agent 's car was smart , even if she was obsessive with it . " He also moved . I was given his new address and well … it 's a really nice apartment building . He didn 't say anything ? " Garcia looked a little worried about that . Aaron wasn 't . Apartments and cars weren 't important to the genius . He didn 't care what he drove , when he wanted to drive that was and he really didn 't care where he lived . Aaron wasn 't shocked he was living somewhere else . He 'd probably let his lease on his apartment go with the chance of being gone a year . Aaron would have actually been more shocked if he 'd told them about it . He hadn 't said a thing about the IPhone until someone had said something . " Anyone up for a drink anyway ? " Prentiss asked . Morgan and Garcia agreed and then the three were gone , Morgan 's arm around each woman 's shoulder . Dave stepped up close . Dave only nodded and smiled before moving to his office . Aaron moved to his own to gather up some things . There was something different about the genius and Aaron wanted to figure out what , whether it was a significant other or something else . He wanted Spencer happy , even if that was without him . Aaron was the first to notice it . Spencer had usually been the first agent into the BAU after himself and the near last to leave . His actual work never took that long but between cold cases and helping others with their files , he worked longer than the others . After the younger man had been back a week , Aaron watched him slip files back into the piles on Prentiss and Morgan 's desk . It was a game they had always played and Spencer had never minded before . Aaron had even asked if he 'd needed to talk to the other agents and Spencer had always said he knew they were doing it and he didn 't mind . They never did it when he had a lot of work . But to see him slipping those files back made Aaron watch him . Spencer wasn 't ever late and he never left early but he was one of the last in and the first gone now . He still didn 't drive in that much so he wasn 't doing anything that he needed his car for . If he was going to meet someone , a boyfriend or girlfriend , Aaron would expect him to bring his car in . By the second week , Morgan had made it his mission in life to get onto Spencer 's phone . The first time that Spencer left it sitting out on the jet while he went to the bathroom , Morgan had it up in hand and tried to unlock it . All he succeeded in doing was locking it for five minutes . The lock screen was just a plain black background . After a month back , Aaron was worried . That team weekend meal never happened . In fact , no one had seen Spencer outside of work in that month . So when a particularly bad case happened that Aaron knew would remind him of Chula Vista and Owen Savage , he went to see him . After checking his address from his updated file , he drove to see him . The apartment complex that he was in was beautiful . It wasn 't that late and so there were people milling around . A doorman opened the door for him as he approached . He was directed to a desk to sign in . Aaron did and even showed him his badge when he 'd mentioned he worked with Doctor Reid . The lady behind the desk just smiled at him and said she was happy to see someone visit him and Carys . The older man logged the name of the woman it seemed he was living with . His heart clenched a little at that . Spencer had not only moved on but he was living with her . If he wasn 't so worried about Spencer he 'd have turned back . Moving to the elevator he waited for the doors to open . It didn 't take long . He used the short ride to the third floor to gather his mask on his face . The sight that greeted him when the doors opened shocked the hell out of him . Spencer was standing in the hallway talking to a lady with a baby in his arms . The lady was laughing and shaking the baby 's hand and arm up and down . Aaron hoped the baby was hers but that hope was dashed when the lady turned and entered the apartment across the hall leaving Spencer with the baby . " Ready to go home ? " Spencer asked the baby as he turned to the door of his apartment . He kissed her forehead . " Papa missed you so much . " Spencer had his keys out but stopped before putting them in the lock . He looked up and locked eyes with Aaron . He 'd never seen the younger man 's face that white before . " Hotch . " " I … " Aaron didn 't know what to say . Spencer was a father . Spencer was a father . Spencer though opened the door to his apartment and waved Aaron inside . Speechless , he stepped inside the apartment in front of the younger man . He couldn 't help but look around . He thought for a few seconds that he 'd stepped into the old apartment . The layout and the look was near the same . The main difference was the baby things everywhere . A pack ' n play in the corner , a baby monitor on the table at the arm of the couch , a blanket spread on the floor with various toys scattered on it . There was even a table that had diaper items . Spencer moved around him but Aaron paid him no mind . He was trying to settle the image of Spencer he had in his head . The shy genius who 'd never really mentioned a want of children before and this one that he was seeing now . " Coffee , " Aaron answered by rote . He wanted to explore more but he forced himself to sit down on the couch . The opposite end from the baby monitor . Noise in the kitchen had him looking that way to give himself something to do that wasn 't profiling the other man 's apartment . Spencer had the baby , Carys his mind supplied , in his arms , talking to her softly . Then the man was turning and walking towards him . He set Carys down in the baby bouncer on the floor in front of the couch . She smiled and kicked , getting the bouncer going while Spencer was trying to fasten her in . The look on his face was pure love . " Her name is Carys , " Spencer said before he moved back to the kitchen . Aaron wanted to look everywhere but where she was . His eyes were drawn to the bookshelves . There were more than the genius had had in his old apartment and it was evident why now that he was sitting down . The bottom two shelves were empty of books or at least adult books . There were what Aaron remembered having for Jack , boardbooks on some shelves as well as scattered toys , mirrors that were attached to the wall at the back . " Mom always said that I was more interested in everything around me than anything else . This is what she did for me . I 've updated some of the things . " " Reid . " Aaron stopped as he was handed a mug of black coffee . Spencer took a sip of his and then sat down in front of the bouncer . He reached out and brushed a finger down her face before setting his cup down and picking her up . She squealed and kicked as he settled her in his lap . Aaron reached out and he was shocked when Carys grabbed his finger and tried to pull it to her mouth . He couldn 't help but laugh . Scooting closer , he let her play with his hand . She was a very happy baby . " There is no mother , Hotch . I 'm the one that carried her . " Spencer 's voice was soft but Aaron understood every single word . Aaron was shocked . He hadn 't known . The Bureau never disclosed the status of male agents as carriers unless the agent didn 't care . Spencer 's file said nothing . " Neither did I . That week I had the ' flu ' well it wasn 't the flu , it was morning sickness . If a nurse hadn 't done the pregnancy test on my urine sample by accident , I never would have found out until I started to show . I was tested at age five . " Spencer took a deep breath and turned Carys around to kiss her forehead before he placed her back into the bouncer , using his socked feet to gently rock her in it . " I gave the FBI the copy of my letter from the doctor stating I was not a carrier when I was tested . I don 't know the results of their investigation as I haven 't asked Strauss . " " I needed to have my insurance changed . I hadn 't planned on telling her much of anything other than I was pregnant but once we started talking , I just spilled it all . She told me that she 'd handle finding out whether my father had the doctor lie , the doctor lied on his own , or my test was messed up . I 've been a little to scared to ask . " " Did you go to Vegas ? " Aaron 's world was shattered . If Carys had been born on time she 'd been conceived around the time that he and Spencer had slept together . No wonder the younger man had acted like nothing was different . He was just a quick release of sexual need . Aaron wanted to get mad but he wouldn 't scream and yell around Carys . How many people had Spencer slept with ? " Oh , yes . I never lied about that . And I was having headaches but those were just stress related . Once I started to sleep more , they went away and believe me , sleep wasn 't a non - option with how bad my morning sickness was at the beginning . I went home after Doctor Rosen found an OB for male carriers in Vegas that took our insurance . " Spencer 's only answer was a shrug but his face . His face was turning a bright red . Shame . He was ashamed of the answer to the question . Aaron scooted even closer , he could feel the heat off the younger man 's body . " I don 't know who the other father is . " Spencer choked back a sob . " I woke up alone in bed with no memory of the night before . God , I had only two glasses of wine and I hadn 't been drugged . I checked . Doctor Hannah chalked it up to stress but I don 't know . I knew I 'd had sex , it had been a while so I was a little sore . I found the condom in the trash but I don 't know it must have had a hole or something . When I had Carys I had them take away my ability to have more children . I would have done it years ago if I had known . " Spencer turned to look at him . Aaron could see him move but he couldn 't breath . When he said nothing Spencer focused on Carys , playing with her . She tried to grab the soft stuffed animal that Spencer was holding in front of her face . Carys who had black hair and his nose . " I took a stranger home and let him fuck me , Hotch . How could I admit that to you guys ? Look at what we do for a living . I went to Vegas because I wanted to be around mom . She was wonderful . As much as she has problems , my mom loves me and she was just wonderful . I don 't think I would have come out as strong as I am without her . " " You didn 't remember ? " Aaron choked the words out . He had to say something . He wanted to touch his daughter . Spencer said condom . Singular . He remembered the second time . Had they not used a condom then ? " You said you weren 't drunk . What else could cause you to lose a memory like that ? " " Repression . I wasn 't hurt . I had no bruises . A hickey or two but I wasn 't hurt . Hotch , what 's wrong ? " Spencer turned fully away from their daughter and looked at him . It was his hand reaching out that did it . " I am so sorry . I 'll do whatever you want . Transfer out . Leave the bureau . I 'll do whatever you want , " Hotch gushed . " You aren 't making sense . " Spencer looked worried . Like he wanted to call someone to help him . Aaron just needed to spit out the words . " I drove you home that night , Spencer . You invited me up for coffee and we talked for hours . I kissed you and we ended up in bed . You said condom in the trash . Singular . I know we had sex a second time and if there was only a single condom in the trash that means we didn 't use one the second time . I got a call that morning about a case I was consulting on . It hadn 't turned into one the BAU needed to take yet but it could have escalated . I woke you up and kissed you goodbye . You offered to go in with me but I told you to get some more sleep . I had planned on taking you to lunch to talk but you went to see your doctor and came back with food . You slipped out as soon as you could . If I had known you didn 't remember , I would have talked to you but I thought you didn 't want to talk about it . I thought it was just a getting me out of your system type thing . I … " Crays wasn 't kicking in her bouncer anymore . She was looking at Aaron . He reached out with tears in his eyes and traced his finger down her face . He had a daughter ! " I … I seriously thought about abortion but I sat on my couch and thought . I could abort . I could give her up . The more I thought about it . The more I wanted her . I regretted that I thought I would never know her father but I couldn 't regret her . " " You were just shocked to see me with a baby . I wasn 't going to keep it from the team for long I just … I needed to get my feet under me before everyone descended . I needed time . I was actually going to talk to you about it next week . " Aaron didn 't need to be told twice . He unfastened the straps holding her into the bouncer and lifted her out . His long fingers cradling her head . He brought her close , kissing her forehead . He 'd loved Jack from the moment that he 'd found out Haley was pregnant but it wasn 't until he was in his hands that he truly loved him . Carys was tiny and perfect . And he was already so in love with her . " Doctor Norman came with mom to the hospital the day she was born . I have pictures . Mom took so many pictures . She knew it was her only chance at a grandchild . I … I 'm sorry . I 'm just rambling . " " It 's fine , Spencer . This situation is out of both of our depths . What does her name mean ? " There was no way that her name didn 't mean something . Aaron stared into her open eyes and he knew what needed to happen . He loved Spencer but there was a lot that needed to happen before either one of them were ready for a relationship . " I 'm sorry you had to go through this alone , Spencer . We can 't change what happened but from here on out you are not alone . I … can 't not be in her life . " " I would never … Hotch . I would never keep her from you . You know why . " Spencer sighed and moved closer to him . " I 'm not in a place for more but that night , no matter that I can 't remember it , was never a getting you out of my system . " " We work the same job . Any time that I have her is time you won 't . This is going to sound insane but Jessica 's job has become a bit more demanding in that she 's having to take a lot more home . Her apartment is small and she needed an office . Jack and I are outgrowing the apartment . We 've been looking at places where we can share a home . We 've not found a thing we like . I 've never delved into your financial status . " " It 's early . Jessica has Jack at my place . Why don 't I call her ? I can 't keep Carys from Jack and he 'll tell Jessica on accident . " " You want to have Jack meet her tonight ? " Spencer sounded scared . Aaron watched him reach out like he wanted to take Carys from him . He was afraid of losing her . The genius tucked his arms around his stomach . " It 's the best option . Jessica and I were already making plans , I just want to add you two to the mix . We can find a bigger place . Jessica was wanting a basement room , saying she 'd prefer it but her office would be on the ground floor . We can see about a place with a few rooms on the ground floor . You can have an office , me , Jessica . You and me in rooms on the second floor . Make sure there is a place for Carys when she 's out of the crib . " " Spencer , I never thought … I gave up on children when Haley divorced me . I had Jack and I was happy with him but you … Carys is like a miracle and I don 't want to be apart from her anymore than I have to and if that means living in the same house as you , I 'll do it . " Aaron shifted Carys over to the younger man and he cupped his face . " I know that we are nowhere near ready to try for a relationship . It 's never a good time to start one when there is a baby around but I care for you and I have for a long time . If Jessica doesn 't want to help with Carys , we 'll hire a nanny for her . I can 't go home tonight and not tell Jack why I am so happy . So lets order in Chinese and we can all talk while Jack gets to know his little sister . " " What are we going to tell the team ? I was never going to tell them what happened to bring out her birth . Not that . " Spencer 's eyes widened as if a great shock had hit him . " God , they would have known if I had told them . Morgan would have killed you . " " I am well aware . Let 's just keep that quiet for now . Let 's talk to Jessica and we can go from there . We will play everything by ear . I want this , Spencer . I want this so much . I … " Aaron couldn 't help himself he leaned in and kissed him . Spencer 's eyes closed and he sighed into the kiss . As much as Spencer didn 't want to he pulled out of the kiss . " Call Jessica . I think I have some juice and milk in the fridge . Stacy stocked it she said . " Spencer nodded and shifted Carys around in his arms to where she was cradled against his chest . " She 's really good with Carys and Carys adores her but she 's going home to Boston in a month . If they hurry , they 'll be able to feed her before I put her down . I have a guest room , if you and Jack want to stay the night . " He had Aaron here now and he didn 't want to let him go . That he was the father of Carys was the best news he could have gotten . Now that he saw it , he saw Aaron in so much of Carys . " I 'm actually only leasing this place for another six months . Someone else cut their lease short and I jumped at the chance to take it . I had the movers set everything up . I put my stuff in storage while I was gone . Are you sure this is what you want ? I 'm … " " Watching you for those few weeks after we … created Carys was hard . I was trying to do what I thought you wanted but it hurt . Let 's focus on Carys and getting settled . Even if you aren 't in my bed , being down the hall with Carys there too will make me feel better than you across the city alone . " " Dad ! Was that a baby ? " Jack asked as he rushed in to hug his father . Jessica followed at a slower pace . Her eyes roving over everything . " Spencer ! " Jack called out . Then the little boy was rushing over . Spencer shifted Carys to where he was holding her against him with just one hand and braced for the impact of the six year old boy . Jack hugged him , throwing his arms around his waist and burying his head against his hip . " I have a whole list of questions that dad or Aunt Jessica couldn 't answer . I didn 't bring them . " " Spencer , who is this ? " Jessica asked , her eyes on Carys . He couldn 't answer . He looked at Aaron for help . While Spencer had gotten to know Jessica well following the death of Haley , he was out of his depth . Jack , he could handle . " That 's why you are here . Due to some circumstances that were out of Spencer and I 's control . This is Carys Ann . " Aaron seemed to flounder as well . " Sit on the couch , Jack , " Spencer said , cutting off Aaron . Jack jumped onto the couch quickly . Spencer sat down beside him and helped him set his arms up to hold her in his lap , braced on his legs . Then he placed her down into his arms . Jack smiled as he looked down at her . Jessica moved closer and then looked at Aaron . " Can I hold her for a moment , Jack ? Your dad needs to tell you something really important . " Jack nodded and Jessica lifted her off his lap but she didn 't move far . Instead she took the seat next to Spencer . " No . The person I wanted , well something happened and we never met up like I wanted . And then something else happened and do you remember when Spencer took his sick vacation ? " " You were really sad , daddy . " Jack looked up at Aaron . He reached out and patted his shoulder . " You are less sad since he came back . " " Well daddy 's going to do the dating thing again but it 's going to be a lot different than I explained it to you before . Most people date , and they get serious , they 'll sometimes marry , sometimes move in together . Then they have a baby . Spencer and I kind of did it backwards . We had the baby first . " " Carys is my sister ? " Jack looked at Aaron 's face first and then he turned to look at Spencer and he could see such hope and happiness on his face . " She 's ours ? I 've wanted a little sister . I 'll protect her ! " Jack surprised them all by jumping up but he didn 't hug his dad . No , he threw his arms around Spencer and hugged him tight . Spencer flapped his hands for a second before he wrapped them around Jack . He closed his eyes and sighed . Jessica laid a hand on his shoulder and squeezed as she leaned close . " Only the people in this room . I came over to make sure that Spencer was okay after the case and … " Aaron took Jack 's seat on the couch . Spencer turned so that he could see both Aaron and Jessica and the little boy surprised them all by shifting to sit in Spencer 's lap , resting his head onto his chest and sitting so he was facing Jessica . He reached out to touch Carys 's arm . " I didn 't tell anyone I was pregnant . Strauss knew but I had to get my paperwork for insurance changed at work . That I am a carrier was a shock . " " No , I was . We haven 't figured out how but I was labeled as normal . " Spencer didn 't want to go into it , not again , not right now . He was happy that Jessica seemed to let it go . " So I know Aaron pretty well at this point . I know what his and my plans had been but I know that Carys changes things . " The words that he would want to be around her as much as possible were left unsaid . " Just means a bigger house . Something a little smaller than Dave 's mansion . We are more than willing to hire a nanny , Jessica . " Aaron 's hand settled on Spencer 's knee and gave a squeeze before lifting off again . " We don 't expect you to care for Carys . She 's not your blood , " Spencer interjected . He liked Jessica and she liked him . He didn 't want her to think that he expected her to care for their daughter . " She is certainly my niece though . I know that Aaron 's never told you but I can 't have children . " Jessica looked down at Carys who was starting to squirm . There was such a sad smile on her face . " She 's getting hungry . I 'll make her bottle . " Spencer shifted Jack off his lap but instead of staying on the couch , Jack followed him to the kitchen . Spencer felt his eyes as he warmed the water and prepared the bottle but the boy never spoke . He could tell the boy wanted to talk but he didn 't want to interrupt him . Jack stayed in the kitchen as Spencer gave the bottle over to Aaron , who was now holding Carys . He wasn 't sure what to say to Jessica and Jack was hopefully going to be easier to talk to . " I want to have a man to man talk , " Jack said as he motioned that he wanted to be set down on the counter . Spencer picked him up and set him there , getting a glass of juice for the boy . Spencer grabbed a chair and sat down in it in front of the boy . He crossed his legs and sat back . " I heard dad and Aunt Jessica talk a long time ago . Before he talked to me about dating . I didn 't know that he didn 't want to date so much as date you . Dad always talked about you a lot . " " I know I hurt him , Jack but I didn 't know I was hurting him . I never would have left like I did if I had known . " Spencer hoped that Jack believed him . Spencer laughed and stood up . Pulling Jack into a hug . The little boy hugged him back just as tight . Before he could pull away he felt a hand on his shoulder and then Aaron was there at his side . He could feel the heat from his body . " Oh yeah ? Well do you remember how Aunt Jessica was going to move in with us ? " Aaron waited for Jack 's nod while Spencer settled in more , leaning into Aaron 's warmth . " Well I know that I want to be around Carys as much as possible . Do you want to be around her as much as possible ? " " Well the problem is that if we spend a lot of time around Carys , Spencer won 't get much time . So how about we have Spencer and Carys live with us as well ? We can find a nice big house and He and Carys can have their own rooms , Aunt Jessica her own , and then me and you . How does that sound ? " Spencer tried to keep back the tears . He 'd woken up with just Carys with him . Now he had Aaron , someone he thought he 'd never get especially after Carys 's birth . He had Jack and Jessica as well . Life was pretty good at the moment . Aaron could tell that Spencer was nervous . Carys was just woken up from a nap . Jessica was waiting down at the car for them to bring her back . Spencer had tried to talk her into at least coming up but she pushed him off . It was lunch time but the whole team had ordered in Chinese instead of going out . Aaron had met the delivery man as Jessica had arrived with their daughter . Spencer was finally going to introduce the team to Carys . Aaron had the diaper bag over one shoulder and the food in his other hand . " Spencer , they aren 't going to like us lying about the other father but in time they will understand . We don 't need the added pressure but yes , the team needs to know . Morgan and Garcia are getting drastic about getting into your phone . It 's not going to be long before they figure out it 's the first fifteen digits of pi . " " Agent Hotchner , Doctor … oh is this Carys ? " Strauss asked as she looked down at the baby in Spencer 's arms . She untucked the blanket from her face a little and smiled . " She 's beautiful … oh my ! " " When the team sees her for the first time , it might be better if Agent Hotchner wasn 't so close to her . Of course , they might not see the forest for the trees . I 'm glad that the father isn 't some random stranger from a bar , Doctor Reid . How about after lunch we three have a nice talk ? If you need to bring Carys that 's fine . " " There is no rush . Take your time boys . All of your team is gathered in the round table room , probably waiting on their food . " Her eyes drifted to the bags of food in Aaron 's hands . " Don 't worry , Doctor Reid . Everything will be fine . Go have a good lunch with your team . Introduce them to you daughter . I am serious though . Don 't let Agent Hotchner hold her . They 'll know . " Strauss turned and left with a small caress to Carys 's face . Spencer turned to Aaron looking worried . Aaron just patted his shoulder . " She wasn 't upset . Surprised but not upset . I 'll go in first with the food and make sure the team understands that you don 't want any yelling . Just calm down . Carys is getting upset . " Spencer nodded and Aaron pushed ahead towards the round table room . The team was gathered around in their normal spots for a briefing . Prentiss jumped up and grabbed one of the two bags of food and stopped when she saw the diaper bag . " Oh . Well we have a visitor coming in . Sit down ! " Aaron used his unit chief voice and they all sat back down . Garcia had been half out of her seat and she dropped down . " Now . As you can tell we have a baby visiting . I will throw the lot of you out if any of you yell or make a loud noise . " " Why would we yell , Hotch ? " JJ asked as she tried to look out the door . Aaron turned back and Spencer was no where in sight . He sighed , hoping he hadn 't chickened out . He was so scared of a bad reaction . Aaron hated that Spencer felt that way . " I met the little thing a week ago . " Aaron stopped when the other door to the room opened . Spencer stepped in with Carys nestled on his shoulder . The younger man 's eyes went straight for Morgan . Aaron pulled the door behind him shut at the same time that Spencer did the door he had come in . " Oh my God ! " Garcia was up and out of her seat before Aaron could even blink . She moved right to Spencer 's side . " Reid , she 's beautiful ! Can I hold her ? " " I had a one night thing , Morgan and I wasn 't aware I was a carrier . Since then it 's been looked into and well the FBI is taking action as my father paid off the doctor to lie . Every single child that doctor has ever tested is being retested and they are going after him to the fullest extent they can . " " I left that up to the lawyers to decide . I 'm sorry that I kept her from you but I needed the time to wrap my head around it all and I was ashamed of how she came about . I do not regret a second of it though . I needed to do it alone for myself to show that I could . I understand if you are all mad but … " " We aren 't mad , Spence . I kept Will a secret for a year . We all have things we want to keep for ourselves . I think we are a little upset but we 'll be fine . I 'm a little upset Hotch found out first it seemed . " " It 's my turn , Mama . I need a chance to hold Pretty Boy 's pretty little girl . " Morgan swooped her from Garcia 's arms and cradled her close to his chest . " You are going to give your father plenty of heart attacks . She looks so much like you , Reid . " Spencer waited but no one commented on the hair or the nose . He let out a small sigh . " I 've been told she 's going to be a heartbreaker . I had a question for you Morgan . " Aaron waited with baited breath . He knew the question and he knew what he was going to ask JJ next . That had been a long conversation the night before . He 'd picked JJ and Morgan as godparents long before he 'd found that Aaron was the father . He wanted Aaron to pick one of the godparents but Aaron said no . He knew what Spencer thought that Aaron wanted . He thought that Aaron wanted Jessica as a godmother but Jessica just wanted to be aunt . Spencer 's eyes never left Carys . He reached out and touched her hand and she tried to grab at his fingers . " Will you be her godfather ? " Morgan looked up at him in shock . Aaron watched as his eyes tracked over to him before going back to Spencer . Everyone on the team knew that Morgan was his best friend but he 'd always been closer to Aaron . " Of course . " Morgan actually sounded a little choked up and Garcia pulled him in for a hug , careful of the bundle in his arms . Spencer turned to JJ next and before he could even open his mouth , JJ was hugging him . " Yes , Spence . " JJ squeezed him tight and took Carys from the former cop . Morgan gave her up with only a small pout . Garcia and Emily flocked closer to her and JJ . Morgan laughed at the women and then slung an arm around Spencer 's shoulder . " You and me . We are going to have a talk sometime soon . I 'm not mad , like JJ said I 'm a little upset but I understand . Now how did you hide this from us ? " Morgan looked him up and down . " I didn 't gain a lot of weight and when I did start to show I was able to wear a lot of sweaters and that hid the bump . I did go to Vegas . I never lied about that . Mom was excited I was so close for the pregnancy but upset that the father wasn 't around . I don 't know who doted on me more the staff at Bennington or my colleagues at UNLV . Switching to tea to wake me up instead of coffee really sucked . " " Reid is doing well . His sitter though is moving away . Jessica has actually offered to watch her while we are working . Jack kind of loves that . " " Jessica is a wonderful woman . " Dave 's voice was calm and even . There was no hint that he knew more than he was letting on . Aaron sighed internally . " That 's actually who is downstairs right now . Today was kind of a trial run to make sure that Carys takes to her fine . I think that Jessica is over the moon on getting to watch a baby . " " I offered Reid a place in the house . The apartment he found is temporary and he 's not found much that he likes . Carys loves Jessica so he 'd need to find a place near us for a time saver . " " And it has nothing to do with your feelings for him ? You aren 't as subtle as you think you are . You 've loved the kid for a while now and you get to swoop in and be a hero , helping him out . Being a good friend . Offering to help . Getting your sister - in - law to watch Carys . Don 't tell me you 'd offer it to anyone on the team . " " Dave , he 's got a three month old that the conception of rocked his world . He 's adjusting and figuring out his life again . I am not pressuring him . " Jessica had seen the house obviously and Aaron had looked at it online but the actual trip to see it as a family wasn 't until that night , if a case didn 't come up . " Come one guys , your food is getting cold ! " Morgan called out as Carys started to fuss a little . Garcia moved over to Prentiss and Spencer handed over a bottle and spit rag from the diaper bag . Before either woman could even attempt to get her settled for a feeding , Morgan was there . Saying that since he was Godfather , he got the right to feed her first . JJ cleared her throat and Morgan 's smile fell a little . When she smiled , he laughed . Aaron though was looking at Spencer . The nerves were gone . At least some of them . The meeting with Strauss was still hanging over their heads . After Carys was fed , she was settled down in Dave 's arms as he was the only one who hadn 't got a chance to hold her . She fell asleep on his chest , which had Garcia taking pictures . Conversation turned to who was watching Carys and Spencer was open about trying out Jessica and that the woman was excited to watch her . Aaron tried his hardest to stay as far away from her as possible , citing he 'd already gotten to hold her a lot . " Papa , " Spencer corrected . Morgan gave a little chuckle . It 's what Spencer was calling himself and it made the names easy . Aaron was dad and Spencer was papa . Aaron had been shocked that Spencer hadn 't wanted to be called dad but he kept his words to himself . He 'd heard Spencer that first night , calling himself papa . " Of course , why be normal ? We are going to have to try and get you a date using your perfect little daughter . " Morgan waggled his eyebrows at him . Aaron kept his jealousy in check . " Hotch ? " Spencer asked as he hit the door . When he looked up , the younger man continued . " Strauss wanted to meet with me about the lawsuit . Do you mind going with me ? I 'm going to her office after I give Carys over to Jessica . " Spencer watched Jessica pull away . Now that Carys wasn 't there to buffer , his mind turned to Strauss and the meeting . He was worried . His gut was clenching . If it came down to it , he 'd leave the team . He could find another section to join or just go into pure research . Aaron hadn 't wanted to leave the BAU and in the end hadn 't , even for his wife . There was no way that Spencer would ever ask him to do it for him . As if on autopilot , Spencer walked to Strauss 's office . Aaron was already waiting outside . Mariah waved them in as soon as she saw Spencer . He took the first seat inside the door but Aaron just stood behind him . It wasn 't hard to figure out why . " Agent Hotchner , there has been a lot of changes to the code of conduct for agents within the FBI . Some have been kept kind of quiet but if one reads the updated manual from front to back , one would see them . The newest edition came out , Doctor Reid while you were on leave . Many of the changes were actually brought about due to the number of complaints received about all the BAU teams . " " It 's not just your team . Cooper 's team has received many as well . You 'll be happy to know that there are some that think that Agent Morgan is in a sexual relationship with you , Doctor Reid , Miss Garcia , and Agent Prentiss . There have always been those that have stated Doctor Reid slept his way onto the team with Gideon . " " The BAU teams are united fronts to the rest of the FBI and there are times that I didn 't see that . An experiment was started three years ago and only a few were let in on it . Seven couples were allowed to stay on teams together . Over the course of three years only one of the couples fizzled . One of those couples was a direct superior and someone under their command . If a relationship is deemed detrimental to the team , which I don 't think that a relationship in the BAU can be worse than the tight unit you already are , one of the two agents will be allowed to quietly transfer out or retire . " " If the Section Chief is aware of the relationship , no . I will speak with Dave about taking over all decisions made on paper for Doctor Reid . I do need to mark the start date of the relationship … " It was then Spencer noticed that there was a sheet of paper in front of her . " That 's going to be … tricky , " Spencer said . He looked up at Aaron for a few seconds . " We 've not gotten that far yet . I wasn 't lying , Chief Strauss . I still have no memory of that night . I wasn 't aware that Hotch was the father until last week when I told him the truth of how Carys was conceived . I 've since thought about it a lot and Hotch has told me what happened . I think it was a combination of stress and that when Hotch left the bed to work on a case that he didn 't want my help on , I thought that it was all I was going to have so I buried the memory . I 've done such things in the past . I would love to know how I do it as there are quite a few memories in my past I would love to forget . " " No . We are just taking it slow . Having a child is a stressful time and he was adjusting to being at work and now he 's adjusting to the fact that I am in their lives . I was going to make you aware later this week that Reid and Carys are going to be moving in with me , Jack , and Jack 's Aunt Jessica . Jessica and I had been planning to move in together as her job is getting more complicated and she needed an office but was unwilling to let me help her in purchasing a larger apartment with a room that could be converted into an office . Jessica has found a suitable house for all of us and we were going to look at it tonight . " Aaron rested his hand on Spencer 's shoulder and squeezed while letting his thumb rub back and forth . " I figured since we already started out of order why stay in that order . We started with the kid , why not end with the falling in love . " Spencer smiled as Strauss started to laugh . " For the sake of Carys 's records , lets put her conception date down as the start . I will update the hidden parts of your files to link Agent Hotchner as her father . I will work on getting her records changed in the courts if you would like . I can have a trusted analyst fake DNA records unless you would like them to be done up . " " Then faked it is . Now onto a whole other matter . One of the agents from the Vegas office went to speak to your father , Doctor Reid . The agent was wholly unimpressed with how your father reacted . He wants to pursue action against your father to the fullest extent that he can . It seems that Agent Hammond was one of the agents that escorted your mother here to DC several years back and kind of grew attached to her . Your father states that you were already weird enough that he didn 't want to have to admit that you were a freak of a carrier . Agent Hammond has actually bugged his office and is trying to find out more but you are the final say in it all . When pressed that an agent getting pregnant and not knowing about it and going into the field without proper precautions could have killed you , well your father wasn 't exactly caring . " " Mom liked Agent Hammond . When she calmed down from the flight , she said he was really sweet . I 'm glad that he is the one dealing with all of this . I … " Spencer turned to Aaron , fully turning in the seat . He looked at Aaron pleadingly . " I 'll ask her what she wants . The good thing is that if he tries to bring her condition up as a reason that her statement can 't be trusted and that she knew , her condition would stop it from being a valid statement . How much jail time could he face ? " " If he goes through with a trial , up to ten years . If he settles before trial , the average is usually five . I know that you don 't want him in jail but … " " It 's already on your desk . If you two would like , take the afternoon to look at the house . Last I knew there were no pressing cases . Enjoy the afternoon with your children . " Moving three households into one took a lot of work . Jack and Carys 's things were first so that Spencer could get them set up while the others were packing up the rest of the households . Jack was on Henry and Carys duty in the backyard of the house while Spencer worked inside . He had baby monitors set up so he could hear everything . The kitchen was the next item of business . Two weeks of consulting back and forth on which item was being kept from each house because there were some things like can openers that it never hurt two have two of but toasters , they didn 't need three . All the big appliances for the kitchen were kept from Spencer 's apartment as it had been unfurnished and he 'd bought all new before moving in . The living room furniture was a mixture from all three places as the new living room was pretty large and more than one couch was needed . Spencer had spent time from the moment they had all agreed to move in together working out what to keep and what not to . It was the main reason he was staying behind to work . Once the kids ' room items were dropped off , Garcia was going to stay and help . She was working on breaking down all of Carys 's things that couldn 't be packed up like the changing table , the pack and play , and other assorted items that were needed on a daily basis for her . Spencer had paid for the last bit of time on Jessica 's lease while he 'd paid all of his outright upfront . Aaron and Jessica had tried to talk him out of it but he 'd insisted . They 'd done most of the finances as far as the realtor and such went . The front door opening shocked Spencer out of his musing . He 's just finished cleaning in Carys 's room to set her things up . Morgan entered with the mattress from Jack 's bed under one arm and the box spring under the other . " Jack 's room is the second on the left . Carys 's is the second on the right . Hotch 's is the first on the left . " " Hotch let you have the master suite ? " Morgan asked with a laugh . The team had understood their half made up reasoning for Spencer moving in at least for a while with Aaron and Jack . Rossi had cracked a joke about three men and a baby which prompted Morgan doing a movie night , throwing his and Aaron 's plans out the window that night . " At least for right now since her crib is still going to be set up in my room . He wanted me to have the bigger room for that . We can always switch later . " " I 'm shocked you accepted Hotch 's offer , " Morgan called out as he crested the stairs . Spencer followed after him , popping in Carys 's room to wait for her crib to be brought up . It would be next after Jack 's bed . Carys was going to be going down for a nap within the hour and he wanted the crib in the bedroom before that . The crib was easy to set up and break down thankfully because once the new bedroom suite was delivered , the crib would be moved . He had the plans all in his head and he hoped that for the most part everyone stuck to what he had written down . Morgan just stared at him for several minutes . " You can be one of the most sensible people I know . It 's kind of creepy . Of course it makes sense but most people don 't give up their apartment to move in with their boss and babysitter because it makes sense . Pretty Boy , don 't ever change . " Spencer smiled at Morgan as an answer but Will passing by the doorway with half of the crib in hand had him following . Aaron was in Jack 's room setting down part of the bed while JJ and Prentiss had the rest of it . " In here Will . " " Garcia has the mattress . " Will entered the room and set the pieces down on one side of the room . " It 's a lovely crib . Was it yours ? " " No . " Spencer tried to keep emotion out of his voice but something had to have leaked because Will just gave him a smile and then left . His crib had been destroyed by his mother in a mood swing when he was eleven . The team emptied the various vehicles with efficiency and then he was left with the kids and Garcia . The crib was set up just in time because Carys started to get upset and tired . Lunch was pizza picked up on a run . Carys woke up while everyone was there and it was a fight on who got to feed her . Spencer laughed as Prentiss was actually the one that won that . Then she was down for another nap . Jack and Henry were happy in the backyard and it was a good day all in all . Spencer was tired by the time that evening rolled around so he was resting on his bed which thankfully had been delivered while the team had been picking up a load of boxes . The only things left at the apartments were items that Goodwill was coming to pick up . A soft knock at the door kind of surprised him . So he rolled to a sitting position before calling for them to come in . " While we were getting your things from your office , one of the boxes tipped over and some papers spilled out . I … " Aaron pulled a piece of paper from his back pocket and handed it over . Spencer didn 't mean to laugh but he did . Aaron looked at him in shock . He patted the bed beside him and the older man sat down . He turned to face him , resting a hand on his knee . " Everyone on the team just kind of ignored me when I said I was banned from casinos . I was young and wasn 't able to hide my counting ability . Still I got what I needed by going to the casinos . Every year at Cal - Tech , there is a big event held . It 's pretty hush hush but if you are in the know , you get an invite . I overheard people talking about it just a month before I turned eighteen . I then spent two months after I was of age getting the buy in . " " A million dollars . It didn 't take me as long as I thought it would . I looked stupidly young so the other players , well they tried to take me for all I had . The event is a poker event but it 's all geniuses . I showed up to to the event with no invite but I knew I would get in . " " No . Cashier 's Checks . The event is winner take all and the amount of players varies from year to year . The bureau knows I do this I just assumed that you had been made aware . I 've won the last three years in a row . I hadn 't won since my first time . Maybe when I go this fall , I 'll take you with me . Spectators are allowed . " " No . We don 't taunt so much until it 's down to the last two . I rarely do unless they make me mad . Which last year 's did . He thoroughly pissed me off so it went from a fun game to a blood bath . " " I donate a lot of it . I also make sure that mom has money in her account at Bennington for books and the like . We both have pretty expensive tastes in first editions . I know that no one on the team has ever really noticed that while I don 't dress like you , my clothes are pretty expensive . I only kept the Amazon because it had sentimental value but I needed a newer car for Carys . " " More than you probably do on all your insurance combined . " Spencer shrugged as he said it . He knew he had a lot more money than the team thought . Aaron sliding off the bed and going to the closet drew his attention . The older man opened it up and stepped inside . Spencer heard him moving hangers . " You continually surprise me , Spencer , " Aaron called out . Spencer got up from the bed and moved into the closet . Aaron was holding up his funeral suit . He 'd bought it for Haley 's funeral and hadn 't worn it many times after . " I 've never looked at your clothes that much . You still have the old red sweater of yours . I just looked at the tag on it . You … " " No . I stopped that a few years ago . I actually did publish a paper on it . Rossi confronted me about it six months after I published , he 'd been on the team for about a year then . It took three years of me on the team for Morgan to stop thinking I was a virgin . He forgot that at Cal - Tech , geeks and nerds rule . There were quite a few people underage when I was there . Not quite as young as I started but there were some close to my age . " " Not sure I want to hear about that … " Aaron said but Spencer chuckled and leaned in for a kiss . Aaron acted like he wasn 't going to kiss him but gave in . " I wasn 't going to tell you about it . You 've not let what you see on the outside color what you think of me . My clothes didn 't look as nice as Morgan 's and I don 't wear suits like yours so my clothes were dismissed . I never tried to change the view either . " Spencer sighed when Aaron kissed his forehead . " I have tonight . With all the excitement of today she 'll probably sleep well tonight . I promise if I am not getting enough , I 'll wake you . " " Why would Dave get the wrong idea ? " Spencer preceded Aaron out of the closet and grabbed his button up from the spoke on the foot of the bed and slipped it on . Aaron stepped up and started to fastened it up . " He 's not figured out that Carys is mine but he does think that I offered to let you live here so that I could seduce you . " When the shirt was buttoned , Aaron pulled him closer for a kiss . " Let 's go before I forget myself . " Aaron looked up at him but Dave 's face was normal . It wasn 't a crack at the parentage of Carys . Strauss had been correct about not seeing the forest for the trees . JJ laughed from her position in the dining room . Aaron looked out . Spencer was sipping at his glass of wine and laughing at something that Garcia was saying . Morgan was seated beside her . Blake was just sitting down in the seat next to Spencer . As soon as he set his glass down , JJ was refilling it . Spencer sputtered but didn 't try too hard to stop her . The bottle was empty . Morgan grabbed another bottle . " That 's the fourth bottle isn 't it ? " Dave asked as he set the pot of soup to simmer . The team was celebrating a week of enforced downtime . No cases . It meant desk work but all of them were okay with that . Aaron and Spencer hadn 't spent more than a single night in a row at the new house and even with that they 'd only spent eight nights total at home . Strauss was worried about them burning out she 'd taken them off rotation for a week . " Let them have fun ! Morgan has only had a single glass and he can drive JJ and Garcia home . James is in town and on standby as DD for Blake . And I 'm stopping with a single beer with dinner . Even if Spencer gets drunk , I think I can handle him . " " Well the soup is on so we can join the others . " Dave grabbed his glass of wine and even Aaron 's glass of tea before the two of them moved into the dining room . Aaron took the seat on the other side of Spencer while Dave sat at the head of the table . The soup had an hour that it needed to simmer and that 's why the kids had been put down for a nap . Jack and Henry were tired and grumpy . The sound of soft feet on carpet drew everyone 's attention . Jack came in carrying Carys who was whimpering . Spencer set his wineglass down but Jack didn 't head towards him . He passed by the younger man and went right for Aaron . " Carys wants her daddy , " Jack said as he gently handed over Carys to Aaron . As soon as his little burden was gone , Jack turned right back around and wandered back to the guest room , rubbing his eyes . Spencer was looking at Jack 's back in shock and Aaron didn 't know what to do . " You said that Reid wasn 't ready for a relationship , not so soon after Carys . You 've gotten a lot better at lying . " Dave looked a little bit proud . " Spence ? Why did you lie to us ? " JJ asked . Spencer though was looking at Morgan and not paying any attention to anyone else in the room . Morgan looked ready to blow up . " Spencer ? " Aaron asked and finally Spencer seemed to notice what was going on around him . He looked at Aaron with a wane smile on his face . " She 's just fussy but I think it 's best if … " " I didn 't . I told you all it was a one night thing . I didn 't know Hotch was the other father until a week before that . He came over just like I said and when I told him what happened , he said he 'd leave the unit or even the FBI if I wanted . I didn 't understand him at first . We don 't know what caused me to forget but I 've pretty much chalked it up to stress and when he left in the morning I thought that it was all I was ever going to get . " " I don 't even want to hear that word out of your mouth , Derek Morgan . I drank two glasses of wine . I lost my virginity at age sixteen with more alcohol in me . When I didn 't try and talk to him about it the next day , Aaron thought that I wanted to forget it ever happened . It nearly ripped his heart apart to see me there everyday . Then I was gone and he thought it would be for the best . He 'd have it all under wraps when I got back but it didn 't . We are taking things slowly but don 't you ever think that I wasn 't aware of my choices . I don 't see a point in time where I wouldn 't say yes to him . I 've loved him for years , Morgan and even if in the end all I have of him is Carys , I 'll be happy because that 's something he can never take from me . " " I think that we all just need to calm down , " Dave said , trying for his most paternal tone . Aaron tried not to react to the words spoken by any of them . He turned and wandered down the hall , a now sleeping Carys in his arms . He pushed away Spencer 's words for a short while because he 'd never get through dinner if he didn 't . It was three hours later , when Aaron entered his house with a sleeping Jack in his arms . Spencer had all of Carys 's things as well as the baby herself . Aaron carried Jack to his room . The boy was still dead tired even after his half an hour nap . Carys would sleep through the night . They would have all night to talk . When Spencer hadn 't emerged from the upstairs after twenty minutes , Aaron went after him . Spencer was in his bedroom , moving around and straightening things up , even though nothing needed it . The small glances over to him told him that Spencer knew he was there . Aaron leaned against the doorjamb and waited . It wasn 't long before Spencer sat down on the end of his bed , facing Aaron . " I love you , too , Spencer . I 've been waiting to tell you until we were a lot more settled . I didn 't want to scare you away . I want you in my life every day but even if you didn 't love me . Just having you here is wonderful . " " I 've been having dreams of waking up in your arms after that morning . Of you holding me close while Carys kicked in my womb . I still having nothing of the night itself but I wake aching to feel your touch . " Aaron leaned up and kissed him . Their little kisses over the past months were nothing like this . It felt normal but wonderful at the same time . Spencer shivered at the touch of his hands to his thighs to help balance him . Aaron woke with Spencer in his arms and he was happy . Something though had woken him up . Then he heard it . The coo from Carys that said she was awake . Aaron lifted his head up and looked over Spencer to see Jack sitting there with Carys in his lap . He was reading a book while rubbing her belly . " Aunt Jessica fed and changed Carys before she went out . I promised her I 'd watch Carys until you woke up . " Jack set his book aside and then looked at Spencer . The boy handed over Carys to Spencer allowing him to cradle her against his body . Carys started to kick her legs and laughed as Spencer kissed her forehead . " Papa , I want pancakes for breakfast . " " Dad is dad but to Carys you are papa and I can 't call you Spencer or she will . And you are here living with us and dad loves you and you love dad . Please , can I call you papa ? " " Of course , Jack . " Spencer pulled the boy close to him , careful of Carys and kissed his forehead . Jack scrambled over him , pushing Aaron back onto his back and settling on his hips . Aaron laughed at the cheekiness of his son before Spencer groaned . He 'd have to make sure to stop on the way to IHop and get him a cup to tide him over . For now he needed a shower and then they 'd set out . As a family . Waking up with someone in his bed had been an adjustment for Spencer . It had been months before Aaron getting out of bed in the morning didn 't wake him or night time checks on Carys . So when he was woken with hands on his thighs and breath ghosting over his already hard cock , all Spencer could do was moan . He knew what Aaron was waiting for and he didn 't want to deny either of them the pleasure . A touch on Aaron 's face under the blanket was consent and then he was swallowed down . He grabbed at the blanket and ripped it off them at the same time he dropped his legs open . He had to look . He had to see . " Aaron ! " Spencer called out , resisting the urge to thrust . Dropping his hands to the bed , he fisted the sheets to stay still . The first time that Aaron had given him a blow job , he 'd not lasted long . He 'd had to admit after he 'd never had one before . Given them yes but no lover had ever given him one . Aaron had been smug for several days after . It had become his older lover 's favorite thing to do to him . Penetrative sex had only entered back into the relationship just two weeks before . Only Aaron had asked Spencer to fuck him . " I 'm close , " Spencer said as he felt his muscles tighten . The thought of Aaron under him with his cock inside of him was too much and he tipped over the threshold . He lay there panting trying to work up the energy to move so he could give Aaron as good as he got when he felt the finger at his hole . Shifting his legs , Spencer nodded as he looked Aaron in the eye . Aaron needed no more encouragement as he snapped open the lube that he 'd brought down with him and then there was a finger sliding inside of him . Aaron kissed him and Spencer could taste himself . He was prepped quickly but thoroughly . Every new touch to his skin felt like an echo in his mind . Aaron 's lips never left his skin or lips while he 'd been prepped . When Spencer 's gasps became too much , Aaron moved to his neck and kissed there with the occasional lick or even a nip . " Please , Aaron . I need you in me . Please ! " Spencer begged as he thrust down on Aaron 's three fingers and then those fingers were gone . He whined at the loss even though he knew that it was needed for him to be filled with Aaron 's hard cock . Another snap of the lube cap and then he felt Aaron pushing into him . He tried to stay still but when his lover was filling inside him all he wanted to do was thrust . Aaron took away that choice when he leaned down to kiss him and his lips slid down to his ear . " So tight , Spencer . God , I missed this . The feeling of you clenching around me , thrusting down on me . I want to have you again and again until you pass out . " Every word was spoken as he thrust in and out of him . Spencer was lost in the pleasure of it all . If their first time had felt anything like this , why would he want to forget it ? He 'd just come down Aaron 's throat but already he was feeling hard again . The brush of stomach on his already sensitive cock had him throwing his head back . Taking the opportunity , Aaron dropped his head to his collarbone so that he could suck a hickey just where his normal button up would cover it . " I need to touch , " Spencer said as he tried to snake a hand down to pump his cock but Aaron grabbed it and held it above his head . Seconds later his other was jerked up there . Spencer moaned as Aaron thrust into him harder and harder . Spencer closed his eyes as Aaron 's words cascaded over his mind . He leaned up for a kiss as far as he could with his hips pinned by Aaron 's hips and his hands by Aaron 's hands . The kiss was sloppy and hard but it was wonderful . The hands holding him shifted and then one slid down his arm and chest to his hip and then around to the small of his back . He was shifted slightly by the pulling up of the hand and the angle of the thrusts changed and he was gone . " AARON ! " Spencer screamed as he came . He felt his lover thrust three more times and he knew that he was coming as well . Aaron slumped down at his side after pulling out long before he wanted him to . He was pulled into his lover 's front and settled in the little spoon position . One of Aaron 's hands was rubbing at his hip and his lips ghosted at his shoulder . Eyes closed in pleasure , Spencer remembered the first time they had been in the position . That time though Aaron was still inside of him . It had been their second time of the night , the one that conceived Carys . Aaron had kissed him like that then and just as he 'd been dropping off to sleep , Spencer told him he loved him . " I asked them to watch the kids today . They jumped at a day to themselves with Carys and Jack . I think Henry went with them as well . I don 't envy them . " " They will be back by dinner and you have all day tomorrow with her . I made plans for what I was going to do with you that weekend and it involved lots of naked skin and a bed and I plan to do that today . I have breakfast all ready down stairs . You can shower and I 'll bring it up . I plan for us to be thoroughly tired by the time the kids get back . Jessica went to visit her father for the day . We have the house to ourselves and can do what we want . " Spencer missed Carys but he understood what Aaron needed . He needed it too . While they had been getting closer and closer to each other over the past six months , they hadn 't really had a day to themselves . It was something they needed and he wasn 't going to look a gift horse in the mouth , especially when that gift was Aaron naked in bed all day long . QPid 's Arrow00Q / Sherlock Fanfiction and Literary Fun00Q Reverse Big Bang ! Art and Stories for all things 00Q , since 2014Criminal Minds BangThe home of the Criminal Minds Bang and Reverse Bang ! Site TitleRough Trade # GFYWrote Hard and Put Up Wet . charliesdragonRamblings of a mad woman . . . 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When Tom stepped off the train in California , he saw that times were pretty much the same all across the country . There were soup - kitchens here and there , many of the men in line returning veterans . The Treaty of Versailles had made no provision for these men , so the ex - doughboys waited their turn in line with the others . But Tom was not much affected by hard times . He knew what it took to make a dollar : you looked for a job until you found one and then worked hard at it . Back home on the farm he had had nothing ; he could only do better . And , starting at scratch , you might say , he thought that he and the country might just come out all right together . He would do his part and he expected nothing less from the government . To Tom , picking fruit was not farming . Farming in the Arkansas bottomland had meant hitching up a team of obnoxious mules in the dark and straining through the long , hot , stifling day , slapping flies , picking ticks , scratching chiggers , and working for the wages determined by his father . Tom figured working for anyone else had to be a step up . If the wages were better then it followed that he would have an absolute improvement of life by being away from the rule of two older sisters . He was in the unenviable situation of being the youngest of seven children , two sisters being the next up the chain of command . His days back on the farm began looking at the backsides of a surly team and it ended with the same view , it seemed to him : the mules in the morning and his sisters in the evening . One day it occurred to him that enough was enough . What point in asking for clemency somewhere up the chain of command when he was at the bottom link ? At sixteen , the least senior person was himself . He heard about a circus that was passing near Mulberry , on its way to Fort Smith . He packed a small satchel and sneaked away to join the traveling show . He had the thought that if the circus - boss needed anyone to drive a team , perhaps a team of splendid white horses his imagination dissolved . e didn 't care what the job was . e would happily walk behind the lordly elephants with a bucket and broom . e would not be here , on the farm , behind the mules , grim sisters waiting . Once again he faced the least attractive end of a pair of mules and viewed , he feared , his future . The view he had now would be repeated when the day ended and he was home again . He needed a new plan , an escape plan . On his last trip to town he had seen a recruiting poster tacked up next to an advertisement for chewing tobacco . The fellow on the poster wore a dark blue uniform and starched white cap and had a big smile on his handsome face while he walked up the ramp to a huge ship . The poster left no doubt that the Navy would provide journeys to exotic lands , the ultimate adventure for a restless farm boy . He tucked his few belongings into his satchel and slipped through the blackjack pines and away into the dark country night . His uncles turned out to be Holmesian in their tracking abilities , downright bloodhounds . He was apprehended within a week of his departure . He had indeed reached the naval establishment and had nearly been inducted into that fraternity . He was certainly big enough to pass for an adult , being tall like all the men in his family , but had not the identification . While the Navy was waiting for the boy to produce proof of his age and origin , the uncles infiltrated that installation and made their mission known . After threatening the military with mayhem and hellfire they were presented with their sheepish nephew and escorted off the facility . So Tom missed World War I . But he continued making plans . He now knew for certain that patience and time would be required before he could make his move . So he worked the fields and suffered the female domination . When there was free time , whenever precious privacy was available , he read . He wanted to be ready when he finally entered the world , the one outside , to move among the people he had read about . He didn 't want to be just a country boy . He spent very little of his meager wages . He kept his money secreted away , as well as the satchel , which he could find and pack quickly . Six months passed , slowly , so slowly , one uneventful and humdrum day after another . Then , one warm and beautiful evening , breathing in the perfume of the pines , and for no reason other than it was time , he decided . He had already written the note of goodbye so he put together his little grubstake and sneaked through the quiet old house . He was outside and walked quickly through the dark Arkansas morning , memorizing the aromas of the farm . So many quotations came to him , so many beautiful words that seemed now not quite appropriate . He didn 't want to hurt his parents ' feelings , but he figured there were others to take his place . He grinned when he thought of his sisters behind the plow ; that thought often gave him pleasure . Maybe one of them in the front , in the traces ! His smile spread wide with the vision . During the previous months he had acquainted himself with the ways of travel . He had spoken with truck drivers , train workers ; he had sought the advice of hoboes until he was satisfied he could travel cross - country with a minimum of expense . He had even given some cornbread to the hoboes in exchange for the rules of the road . His mother had noticed the missing food , but had said nothing . After three miles he reached the road to Mulberry . He walked quickly through the sleeping little hamlet . A few dogs barked in the distance . Another few miles and he found the tracks . He heard the whistle of the west - bound train and smelled the tar of the ties and warm steel of the rails . He reached down and touched his path to freedom . It was slick and fine and as hard as the blacksmith 's anvil . The boy knew that no one was behind him now , and he felt the anxious newborn feeling that he was on his own . This time they would not find him ; he was going too far . He had broken the tie , and the thought choked him momentarily ; he realized he would not be coming back , at least not for a very long time . The black , massive engine was close , slowing , gushing steam and promises ; in the moment he remembered the hoboes ' teaching and was running when the train was moving at the right speed . He ran and he ran , then grabbed an open door and pulled himself aboard . He felt the straw - laden floor and became part of the moving beast . Looking through the door he saw and felt the strange sensation of change ; of his life becoming something different . Very suddenly , seeing the little village from another perspective , it was not the same place . Of course he would never again be the same boy . He had run away from that life and looked now toward whatever was down the tracks . He burrowed down into the familiar straw and slept soundly ; when he awoke he would be in another world . The movement of the boxcar changed to a slow lurch and the chain of cars banged together , end to end like a concertina , separating and slamming back again . Tom woke up . He saw through the partially opened door that the train was slowing as it approached the freight - yard . Beyond the yard he saw the mass of many buildings , some very tall . He knew this must be Oklahoma City . He slid the heavy door open and picked up his satchel . He was smiling as he jumped from the boxcar . He hurried across the many tracks before any train employees saw him . The train ' bulls ' were paid to discourage non - paying riders , even though many war veterans were now hopping the freights . There had been many bad and bloody incidents between the bulls and returning veterans , as well as other vagrants . Tom didn 't want to waste any time languishing in an Oklahoma jail . He dusted himself off and found an alley where he hid his satchel . As he neared the mainstream he saw the bustle of activity he had heretofore only heard about . The rush of people and trucks and automobiles were incredible to him . Most of the makes of cars were unfamiliar . The Model T 's he knew ; his uncles had picked him up and delivered him home from the Navy in the back of their Model T truck . Whenever he saw that model Ford he experienced unpleasant memories , but those visions were dimming . He passed barbershops and saloons and pool - halls . In front of many businesses young men lounged , hard - eyed and sullen . He didn 't meet their stares . It was obvious they viewed him as alien to their neighborhood . Occasionally he heard a rebel yell or " Hey , Country , ain 't y ' all a ' ways from home ? " or " Looky , ma , I see a yokel ! " Several times he was invited to take part in a shell - game . He paused briefly to see how the pea was shifted about under the walnut - shell , or , as he had been warned by his hobo mentors , hidden between the hustler 's fingers . Men flashed decks of cards and rattled dice in a can , beckoning the greenhorn . Tom wandered on until he found the store he had been looking for . As he drifted through the city he became more aware of his appearance . He saw very few bib - overalls ; in the city only old men , long - time locals , wore this symbol of the farmer . Finally he saw a shabby building with a sign announcing " Used Clothing , " and he stepped inside . The prices were within his means , so he bought several pairs of trousers , a belt , and a slouch cap . He left the store and circled around , missing the hucksters , until he found the alley and his satchel , tucked away his change of identity , and made his way back to the train - yards . He had seen enough of the smart young men of Oklahoma City , so he bought a few simple groceries and waited in a little green park near the tracks . Several small groups of Indians waited under a tree nearby . Everyone rose and arranged their parcels as an engine approached . They hung back until the engine was well past . Tom joined them as they trotted along and jumped and tumbled into an empty car . They jostled each other until they found their apparent usual places . Tom smiled at them from his corner and they smiled back . The trip through the Panhandle went quickly and the Indians , who were Navajo , told Tom that Amarillo was the next stop . They were not getting off there , but were going on to Albuquerque . Tom jumped off when the freight was slow enough and he and the Navajos waved at each other . Once again , he hurried across the tracks and slipped into an alley before any trainmen saw him . Amarillo was smaller than Oklahoma City , but still a huge and sprawling city to a country boy . He kept his satchel with him , as he didn 't see a likely place to hide it . He was on a fairly quiet street and there didn 't seem to be any idlers about , so he entered Sunrise 's Billiard Emporium . It was cool and dark inside and he sat on a stool at the marble counter . A man who had been playing pool by himself in the back put down his stick and went behind the counter . " Comin ' up , " said the man . He had a toothpick tucked into the corner of his lips , and he seemed to talk around it , not much louder than a whisper . He drew the soda from a tap , next to the beer - tap , and served it in a beer mug . " One nickel , if ya please . " Tom put the coin on the marble counter . The man took a rag from behind the counter and began wiping the blurred surface , looking out the door . The rag was not clean and the marble top was worse when he finished . He looked bored . " Ya not from here , are ya ? " The toothpick moved up and down and around in circles and the man grinned . " Well , it 's my nose that tells me . Now I don 't mean you stink or anything , so don 't go flyin ' off the handle . But my nose says there 's somethin ' like tar in the air and there 's nobody around here havin ' their roof fixed . So that means somebody 's been on the train and I don 't mean sittin ' in the Pullman . Ya been in a boxcar and ya set your bag down under the stool , so ya been travelin ' . So ya not from here , are ya ? " The man grinned and the toothpick moved up and down . " No , ya wouldn 't , " said the man , " ' cause ya nose is used to it by now . People pick it up on their shoes from walkin ' along the ties . Ya don 't get that if ya board a train from the platform . But there 's tar on the ties and in the rocks on the roadbed . Anyhow , my nose says tar , so ya not from here . What 's ya name , boy ? " " Well , Tom , they call me Sunrise . I guess ' cause I always get up early . This is my place . How about a game ? " Sunrise nodded his head toward the tables . " I never learned how , " said Tom . The man left the counter and walked to the nearest table . " Come on , Tom . It 's not like I 'm ignoring the other customers . My treat . I 'll teach ya . Every boy 's got to know how to play pool . That 's how ya learn things , Tom . Spend time in the barbershop , spend time in the pool - hall , ya never need a newspaper . I 'll break . " So Sunrise led the young man through the art of racking , breaking , banking , blocking , but not betting . " Tom , ya remember this . Don 't ever gamble on a game of pool . I used to be a damn good player , one of the best around . And I still am damn good . But when ya play for money , the game goes sour . It 's not the fun it was . When ya do anything for money , then it 's work . And people come from all over lookin ' for ya , like you was a gunfighter in the old days . They want to beat ya ! And the fun 's gone . " Sunrise put the cue - stick on the table and motioned for Tom to follow him . They walked out the door and stood on the board sidewalk in front of Sunrise 's Pool Emporium . As they were walking out three men turned off the sidewalk and entered the building . They walked to the back of the room and removed their coats , rolling up their sleeves . A game was soon in progress . Sunrise looked up at the flawless blue Texas sky . He looked up and down the street . A few cars sputtered about and a few pedestrians looked in early shop windows . Sunrise took a great red bandanna from his rear pocket . " Tom , " he said , pausing to blow his nose , " if ya not in a great hurry to get back on that freight , how about hangin ' around here for a spell ? I can 't pay ya a good deal , but a dollar here an ' there and ya can sleep in the back . There 's a cot , and a toilet down the hall , runnin ' water and everything . Ya just sweep up , keep the balls racked , draw the beer oh , I 'll show ya , don 't look so anxious ! y old woman will bring some food around for ya . hat do ya think ? " Tom also looked at the boundless blue sky and up and down the asphalt street . An instant flash of thought , the backward vision of cold , dark mornings and stupid mules and sunburned fields and thirsty , endless acres and relentless , harping sisters " Mr . Sunrise , I 'd be much obliged . an we try it for a while ? " Sunrise slapped the tall youth on the shoulder . " Well , don 't just stand there , then ! Go on in and get to work ! And don 't be callin ' me Mister . That 's what people called my daddy ! Well , hop to it ! " And for the first time Tom went to work and did not regret the going or the doing . The floor was swept and mopped , the pool tables dusted and covered and the balls racked ; the marble counter glowed after being washed and buffed , the mugs and glasses were arranged in sparkling rows . The large mirrors behind the glasses now reflected images , clear and true reproductions of those looking in . Down the hall the toilet and sink could be seen as actual porcelain , and the former lip - curling odor had vanished . Tom had been busy , happily employed . He never had to unlock the front doors because Sunrise always lived up to his name . But when the doors opened Tom was somewhere nearby , bringing coffee to the boil , dusting things already clean , folding sheets removed from the tables . The spittoons were polished and in their places . This process had become a routine , both parties being pleased . And the customers had now accepted the tall , fresh - faced and aproned boy , and applauded the clean restroom . The newly discovered porcelain and shiny spittoons were reason enough to feel that an improvement had come to Sunrise 's Billiard Emporium . Tom didn 't talk unless encouraged and the customers did occasionally ask him about the small events of the day . The atmosphere was clearly relaxed and the calm pleasant days drifted by . One morning it happened that Sunrise was late , so Tom opened the doors and looked up and down the quiet street . He saw his employer and another man walking , stopping , talking , so Tom went back inside and poured himself a cup of coffee and waited . The men walked in and Sunrise stopped and faced Tom . The other man walked on behind the counter , slammed a mug down , and drew himself a beer . He didn 't say anything , but moved his head up and down , nodding . There were blue scars on the side of the man 's head , high on his temple . He wandered around the end of the counter , nodding and shuffling . Sunrise looked at the marble counter and up into Tom 's eyes and back at the counter again . " Tom , " he said , " this is my wife 's brother , my brother - in - law . He 's been , uh , gone for a while . He was going to work for me , a long time ago , ya know . He went off to oh , hell , Tom ! hey let him out of the hospital and sent him home ! e was all shot up in France and well , I got to take him in . " Sunrise looked at his brother - in - law . " Martin ! Go on in back and look around . Go on , now . I 'll be with ya in a minute . " The man shuffled about , sipping his beer , and stopped at a table . He began rolling the balls about ; he seemed to like watching the balls move silently across the green felt until they clicked together . " Tom , I don 't know what to say . We didn 't know they was going to let him go . He was in a trench back there , in France , when a shell got in and blew up . They don 't know if he 'll get better . He hat can I say , Tom ? " Tom looked at the man wandering about the Emporium , gently nudging pool - balls and poking them about the table . " Sunrise , " said Tom , " you 've got to take care of him . He went over and fought for us , didn 't he ? He got hurt , for us , and now he 's back . Don 't be worrying about me , Sunrise . You 've got to take care of your folks . " Tom and his boss couldn 't look at each other , but watched the veteran as he moved from table to table , herding the balls aimlessly with his finger . Sunrise stood in the door as Tom put his satchel together . While the man looked sad , Tom felt a sort of relief . He had stayed in Amarillo much longer than he thought he would . It had been like a friendly school , run by a friendly and understanding teacher . It would be difficult to say goodbye to Sunrise , especially since the man thought he was doing Tom wrong . When Tom was packed he put on his cap . " Would you give my old overalls to the church , Sunrise ? They 're all washed and folded . That 's them on the chair , yonder . Don 't want to look like a country - boy , huh ! " Sunrise rolled his toothpick around and glanced at the chair . " Sure , " he said . " Here , let me carry that satchel . Ya know , Tom , I taught ya how to tend bar , and any day now the Eighteenth Amendment is going to shut down my serving beer . But at least ya know how to change a keg . They can 't keep people from wantin ' a drink now and then . Ya might be a bartender yet . At least ya know how . " They left the little room and walked to the front door . Sunrise gave instructions to his brother - in - law and joined Tom on the sidewalk . They walked along without speaking until they were in sight of the train - yard . Sunrise handed the satchel to Tom and gripped him hard on the shoulder . " Send me a card sometime and no gambling on pool ! " he man turned sharply and walked away . om watched him until he rounded a corner . he locomotive hissed and lumbered along in about ten minutes , pulling its line of creaking boxcars . New Mexico appeared in the hazy morning light like a watercolor painting , dull - orange and faded , unreachable . Albuquerque was crowded , even in the early morning . The general murmur among the boxcar riders was that it would be a long layover . The ride had been a slow one and the floor had seemed unusually hard . The railroad had many crews working along the line , shoring up the road - bed and replacing sections of track . There had been many delays . Tom stretched his muscles and thought a long walk might bring his bones back to their accustomed positions . He could see that the paying crowd around the distant station was mostly white . The folks he rode with were Mexicans and Indians , a few Negroes . He picked up his satchel and walked into town . He decided to treat himself to breakfast and stepped into a small café . He had saved most of the money Sunrise had given him , and it was time for a small luxury . The little café was busy , like the rest of the town , but he saw a vacant chair at a table . He sat down and put his satchel between his feet . The man seated across from him had bright red hair and a little sandy mustache . He was reading a folded newspaper while he ate , but glanced up when Tom sat down . " Howdy , " the man said . " You can have the paper in a minute . I 'm about done with it . " " That 's all right , " said Tom . He studied the large menu tacked on the wall . A waitress came and took Tom 's order and left him a glass of water . He looked around the small room and saw several Mexican people he had ridden with . They saw him and nodded . The man across the table saw the exchange . " People think I 'm nosy . I guess I am . I 'm a drummer salesman , you know , so I 'm always talking to people . f I bother you , I 'll shut up . " he man smiled while he spoke , and showed white teeth . " You see , I watch a lot of things that go on - maybe I am nosy ! I don 't mean any harm by it . Like , I watch you sit down with your bag , so I figure you 're coming or going . Then I watch you nodding to people like they 're friends of yours and I figure you 've been someplace and now you 're home . See what I mean ? " The red - haired man looked like he had solved a little puzzle and was pleased with himself . " I just saw some folks I was on the train with . I think they live here . I 'm just passing through . " The man looked a little disappointed , but shook his head and chuckled . " Well , I can 't get ' em right all the time , I guess . How far you going , if you don 't mind my being nosy again ? " The waitress came with Tom 's plate and went away . " Oh , California , I guess , " Tom said . The red - haired man watched Tom while he ate . He had more coffee and read his paper until Tom had finished eating . They got up and paid the woman at the register . As he was eating , Tom had watched the other customers . He had not been in a café before , and the procedure was further education for him . After he had paid the woman he walked to the table and left a nickel tip next to his plate . It made him feel that he had truly entered a new and exciting life . The red - haired man walked over and left a dime . When they were outside , the man pointed at a car parked across the street . " That 's my car , " he said . " I want to offer you a business deal . It came to me while you were eating . See what you think . My wife used to travel with me and we shared the driving , so one of us could catch some sleep and we would still be on the move . Well , now we 've got a couple kids , boy and a girl . I 've got to do all the driving , and I need some rest . Come on and look at the car . " They crossed the pavement and walked around the automobile while the man continued to talk . " She 's a T - Model , as you can see , twenty - horse and a mother - in - law seat behind . That 's where I get a nap when I can . O . K , so what 's your name , by the way ? ine 's Henry . " e put out a freckled hand and Tom shook it . " That 's nothing , that 's nothing . We can take care of that . The deal is , Tom , I 'm going west , which is where California is . If you 'll come along and share the driving , the trip won 't cost you a cent . We can trade off driving and sleeping and keep moving right along ; won 't have to stop except for food and water and gasoline . What do you say , Tom ? " Henry looked up hopefully at the tall young man . Tom weighed things in his mind . The back seat of the car had to be softer than the floor of a boxcar , even the ones with straw . And he would still be traveling for free . Plus he would learn to drive an automobile , and he was confident that he would need this knowledge in his new life . " Get in over there , Tom . Let 's get ' er out on the road and I 'll show you what to do , nothing to it ! " So the man got the car started and turned off the asphalt street and onto the dirt road that headed west . Tom looked at sage and cactus and wildflowers and smelled the fragrant air . This wasn 't going to be at all like traveling on a train . The wind was in his face and he was moving west . " All right , Tom . O . K . Let me start over . I guess if you 've never been around automobiles much this stuff is pretty confusing . " Tom 's brow was furrowed and his eyes were narrowed . His mouth was a little open . Henry had pulled over at a wide place in the road and tried to explain the workings of a Model T Ford . He tried again . " O . K , have you ever been around machinery at all ? " Tom 's brow smoothed a little . " Well , my pa 's baler gets tangled once in a while and I take it apart and get it working . The seeder has plates and gears that I have to tear into to get it going again . The " enry waved his hands . " Good , good ! Then you know something about mechanical things . Now , let me try again . O . K , wait ! Here , now . I know what to do . Let 's start ' er up . " Tom was behind the wheel . Henry reached over and turned on the ignition and jerked the handbrake on . " Always , always have the handbrake on ! Now , retard the spark . O . K , follow me ! " The man jumped out of the car and ran around to the front . Tom stood next to him . Henry put the crank handle in the hole under the radiator . There was a wire sticking through the lower part of the radiator , with a loop in it . He pulled the wire forward and gripped the crank handle . With the thumb of his hand pointed outward he gave a sudden upward jerk of the crank and the engine coughed roughly and spluttered to life . While the engine struggled Henry ran around to the driver 's side and pulled the spark lever down . The little engine smoothed to a ticketing purr . The man stopped momentarily and wiped the perspiration from his forehead . Then he motioned for Tom to get behind the wheel . " Now , " he said , back in the passenger 's seat , " hold onto the handbrake , let it go , just a bit . Now , push down on the left pedal , all the way down . Do you feel anything in the handbrake ? " Tom , eyes wide , nodded vigorously . " O . K , that means she 's in low gear . I 'm going to give ' er a little gas . " He reached for the right - hand lever on the steering column and moved it slightly . The engine accelerated accordingly . " O . K , let go the handbrake , easy ! " The car moved forward smoothly . " Now take your foot off all the way . " The momentum increased greatly and Tom 's eyes grew wider . " Just watch where we 're going and steer this thing ! Grab the wheel , boy ! " Tom steered anxiously and the car veered wildly for a few yards until the action and reaction became clear to him . He braked the car and stopped . After a few more starts and stops , he just kept going . Tom began breathing normally and moved about in the seat to a more comfortable position . He could feel that his face was smiling , and the smile broadened . The normal redness returned to Henry 's face and he began , calmly , to explain what further adjustments Tom might need to make as the trip progressed . After a while he told Tom to stop . They got out and walked about , stretching and grunting . They untied the top and unfurled it , pulling it forward until they could attach it to the windshield . Henry removed the front seat , exposing the fuel tank . He twisted off the cap and lowered a stick into the tank to measure the content . " Still got about half , " he said . " Gallup is not too far now . They have a couple of filling stations . We 're going to start climbing pretty soon . Hope the wind stays down ; lots of wind in this country . " After the rest break they cranked the car to life and soon passed a sign that announced they were crossing the Continental Divide . Not long after that the wind began buffeting them as they climbed the rutted road into Gallup . After Henry filled the fuel tank they found a small grocery store and purchased a few snacks to eat along the way . Tom was again at the wheel and Henry had climbed into the back . " Henry ? " Tom called over his shoulder . " What is it that you sell ? " The man reached down and patted a canvas - covered bundle on the floor . " Two things , really ; I sell mostly the Homemakers Friend . It 's a carpet sweeper . It 's got wheels and a roller with bristles on it that picks up dirt . I 'll show you later . When I take it in a house I also carry a stack of carpet samples . They call them swatches . I put a swatch down on the lady 's floor and pour dirt or sand on it and then clean it with the sweeper . " I don 't say anything about the swatch , but just keep talking about what a good job the sweeper is doing . Then I 'll lay the other swatches around and go through the procedure again . Usually the little piece of carpet is so much nicer and brighter than the woman 's carpet that she has to ask me where I got my samples . I give her all the information . Usually she just buys the sweeper . Once in a while , though , I hit the jackpot and get an order for a house - full of carpet , too . " After a few minutes Tom looked over his shoulder and saw the man was asleep . The light was beginning to pale in the western sky and the diminishing wind brought the warm , friendly smell of pine trees . As he was enjoying the coming evening Tom noticed the steering wheel was becoming harder to turn . He pulled to the side of the road and turned the engine off . He walked around the car and found both front tires nearly flat . " What did you do now , Tom ? " Henry was sitting up in back , yawning and smiling . " O . K , you 're always going on about new experiences . Well , here 's another one for you . You 're going to learn how to patch a tire ! " Henry jumped out of the car and opened the trunk that was strapped to the rear of the car . He brought out a box and a lantern . " Come on ! " The lantern was lit and set on the bank next to the car . By the time the car was jacked and the tires off it was dark , mountain dark . Henry and Tom dismounted , patched , inflated and remounted the tires . " Tell you what , Tom . We 're getting close to Winslow . Let 's get on in there and have a meal . We 'll sleep in the car and tomorrow we 'll take a swim in the Little Colorado . It 's right near there . Get an early start and make the climb to Flagstaff . After that , it 's downhill to California . Get in , I 'll crank . Retard the spark . Remember the brake ! " In the fresh mountain morning air the men shivered next to the car as they dried off and dressed . Tom dug into the satchel for a clean pair of socks . He saw the top of one and pulled at it . It resisted , as though caught on something . When he pulled it free it was heavy . Something was in the toe of the sock and Tom emptied it onto the seat of the car . Twenty silver dollars tumbled out . While Henry muttered in the background , Tom stared at the money . Sunrise ! He had carried the satchel , and had lingered inside the Emporium to speak to his brother - in - law . Sunrise had walked him to the tracks and said goodbye , quickly . He had wanted Tom to send him a card sometime . Tom stood looking at the silver dollars when Henry spoke . " Damn , kid ! Put that away somewhere ! In times like these there 's a whole bunch of people who 'd knock you in the head for less than that ! Damn ! " Henry was rubbing his bright red hair with a towel . " Pack that away ! " So Tom told Henry about Sunrise , and leaving Texas , and how the money must have gotten into his satchel . When the Model T was packed and the water - bag on the front bumper refilled Henry drove back to the café where they had had dinner . " That Sunrise , back in Amarillo , " said Henry , " sounds like a good man . Be sure you write to him . " They parked in front of the café again . " They serve good breakfasts here , too . " The car made slow progress up the grade , but finally Flagstaff appeared and they stopped for gas and food . " Not too much further to Kingman , " Henry said . " Beyond that and you can start looking for the river . That 'll be the Colorado . And right across that is California . We 'll stop in Needles . " After the lush pine forests of Arizona , Tom was not impressed with California . They were in the desert again . When they left Needles it was Tom 's turn to sleep . He hoped things would look different when he awoke . Over the next few hundred miles Henry made several business stops , but as the scenery had changed , so had Tom 's impression of this land : oranges , lemons , enormous groves , pecans , figs , fields of vegetables that met the horizon . The large white house Henry had entered this time was surrounded by a grove of orange trees . The sweet smell of blossoms could almost be tasted . Henry came back to the car , patting his coat pocket . " Good customer , " he beamed , " this year carpeting for the downstairs , next year the upstairs . I 'm going to buy a Pierce - Arrow , if the wife goes along with it ! " After his good mood at the farm - house , Henry was quiet for a long time . He didn 't speak until he pulled the car into a big filling - station . " Well , Tom , this is the part of the trip I always look forward to . This is Fresno . I live east of town a couple of miles . " " In just a few more minutes , I will be . " Henry looked out the windshield and then back at Tom . " You want to come home and meet my family ? Or are you on your way ? " Tom nodded . " I 'd like to meet your wife and children someday , Henry . But right now , could you tell me which way to the train station ? I 've been studying about it , and looking at the map along the way . I 'm going to buy a ticket , just for fun . I 'd like to see what it 's like to ride in a train - seat . " Henry 's red face stretched into a smile . " Merced . Once I get there I 'll look over Modesto and Stockton . I heard they pick a lot of peaches there , and I can get a job . " Henry reached in his coat pocket and gave Tom a card . He was smiling and shaking his head . " Tom , Merced is just ten or twelve miles from here . Did you know that ? Why , you 'll be over for a visit before you know it . This is my business card , got my address on it . I 'll have a telephone pretty soon . You write me and I 'll send my number . And don 't forget about writing to Sunrise ! " " I won 't forget . " Tom picked up his satchel and shook Henry 's hand . He watched until the car was out of sight , then walked slowly to the ticket office . He had felt a little sad about saying goodbye , but when the agent handed him his first train ticket he was smiling again . He felt that an era had ended and another piece of life had begun . He was in charge of his life , and was finding his direction . The women in the packing shed were busy sorting peaches into various bins . Some of the fruit would go for fresh - market grocery sales and some to processing plants for jams and jellies . It was nearly time for morning break and the field trucks were overdue . Mr . Bailey was the packing - shed foreman and was putting on a little show of importance for the new girl . She was short , shorter even than the foreman . Her hair was dark and curly , her eyes light blue . She sat at the front of the shed , nearest to the dock . The man took out his watch and frowned at it . Then he stood , hands on hips , looking down the road that ran between the orchards . He stood where most of the other packers could not see him . Three trucks finally pulled alongside the dock and parked , engines running . The drivers jumped out and began unloading the crates . Tom drove the third truck and he and the other drivers began , as a team , unloading the first truck . When they had stacked the crates of fruit close to the packing area they began unloading the second truck . They worked fast so they could return to the orchards and join the picking crew for their break . Mr . Bailey saw they were nearly finished and approached Matthew , the driver of the first truck . The foreman still had his hands on his hips and tried to get Matthew 's attention . " When you get back you tell your boss I want these peaches here before break ! You don 't have to be fooling around on the road so long ! There 's no sense in your being late all the time ! " Matthew was well into his fifties and had worked for the owner since he was a young man . He didn 't like Mr . Bailey ; furthermore , the little man was not his boss . " You just tell him what I said . I 'm tired of waiting all day for you to get here ! " Mr . Bailey glanced quickly to see if his intended audience was watching . Many of the packers were now watching , some shaking their heads . Matthew was not afraid of the foreman . He turned to look at the other drivers , Felipe and Tom . He jerked his thumb at Mr . Bailey . " You boys don 't have to listen to this little feller . He 's just tryin ' to show off for the ladies . We got tortillas and beans waitin ' . ¡ Vamanos ! " Matthew climbed into the lead truck and pulled away , Felipe following . They rattled away from the dock . Mr . Bailey was red - faced , and felt the need to attack someone . While he glared at the trucks disappearing down the road , Tom reached into the cab of his truck . He walked by the foreman and into the shed . Two older women smiled as he approached . One was a large black woman and next to her was a large white woman . Tom placed small paper bags in front of each of them and walked away . " Thank you , honey ! " the black woman said loudly . The other woman just smiled and waved . There were thirty - eight women in the shed , which resembled a theatre stage built atop a four - foot - high foundation . Counters ran along the walls and the packers sat on stools behind the counters . The loading dock was the open front of the shed . The oldest employees were the black woman , Mary , and her longtime friend , Ruth . Their stools were behind the center counter . They were also senior employees , having started working for the owner 's father . Their work habits set the standard for the others . It was obvious that Mr . Bailey didn 't know the importance the owner placed on the opinions of these long - time employees . It was one of the first things Tom had learned . He also knew Mary liked chocolate , while Ruth was partial to jelly - beans . He had researched the important things . As Tom walked by the new girl he slowed enough to place a tin cup in front of her . It had a red rose in it . " Mornin ' , " he said over his shoulder . " Good morning , " she said . Tom ran for his truck and jumped in . He pulled forward , smiling and pushing the button of the klaxon horn as he drove by the foreman . Most of the women in the shed smiled and many waved . Mr . Bailey 's face was very hot ; his lips were tightly compressed . He did not want to turn and face the packers , so he left the dock and walked around the building where he would stand under a tree until the break was over . " Maybe , " said Ruth , " if mama has a daughter that can cook ! " The women shook with laughter and moved closer to the girl . " Can you cook , girl ? " But the new girl just folded her arms and looked at her feet . " Now , look here , " said Mary , " we 're just teasin ' you , child ! Don 't you know that ? Now , come on , come on back here with us . We got plenty of coffee , an ' break is over when we want it to be ! " Mr . Bailey finally entered the shed with his hands on his hips , glowering . " We got peaches sittin ' in the sun ! I haven 't heard this is a holiday ! Let 's get back to work ! " The man walked up and down the dock and around to the back counter . He was breathing hard and his heart was pounding . To his thinking , it was time for a showdown with these fat old women . " All right , you two - maybe some people think you 're special , but I say it 's time to start work , right now ! And you , missy , get on to your place ! I can have another girl here in the morning who wants to work ! " The shed was quiet and the girl walked quickly to her stool . The foreman walked after her , still berating her . She stood facing him with her nose in the air , blue eyes narrowed . The little foreman gagged as his collar was yanked backward . Mary twisted him around and poked a large finger in his chest . Ruth stood next to her , their shoulders touching , a formidable team . " Bailey , you listen ! You listen to me ! You been a damn fool ever since you been here ! But this here is the end of the line ! " Ruth had her big fists clenched in front of her and her eyes were wide . Mary poked the man again and he winced . Mary 's eyes were round and brown and the whites were slightly bloodshot . " You gone too far , little man . You ain 't got just me and Ruthie to worry about ; that young man , Tom , the truck - driver . I can see me a country boy right off ! I see them big hands when he 's carryin ' them crates an ' I know he 's been wrasslin ' mules an ' skinnin ' hogs an ' plowin ' fields his whole life ! An ' now you 're yellin ' at this girl ! Can 't you see nothin ' ? That boy might just stick you in the ground like a peg ! " Bailey 's face had gone from blotchy red to a rabbit - white . He looked like he might be sick . The two old women took him by the arms and walked him to the edge of the dock , where they encouraged him to sit down . The sounds of movement soon began and the shed was active again . The two senior women passed among the other packers , calming and soothing , tuning the operation to a steady rhythm . They spoke a few gentle words to the new girl , furthering her education , then returned to their stools . Their faces were benign and matronly . When Mr . Bailey entered the shed again he walked slowly along the sorting line . As he slowed in front of Mary and Ruth the women each gave him a piece of candy . He put his hands in his pockets and walked outside and stood under the tree . The girl worked steadily , occasionally glancing at her rose , then down the furrowed road that led between the trees , toward the orchards . The trucks would be back before the lunch - time break . She smiled as she worked , as several of the older women noted . |
Today while my younger sister was visiting at the NICU , we got to talking about olden days , as in ' back in the olden days . ' It started by me commenting on Jack 's size , that he was born big because he was expected to take his first breath then immediately start pushing a plow . Then we had to revise it . Actually , he wouldn 't have been born at all . Of course we can 't get pregnant without help . So I guess Matt was supposed to leave me since I would be considered barren ( male factor doesn 't exist in olden days , and women get all the blame ) . Janie would never had been conceived . If by miracle she had been ( we needed IUI for her ) , then we both would have died in childbirth because of her size ( nearly 9 lbs ) and position ( sunny side up plus head turned ) . So no Janie , no Pazel and no Jack . Say by miracle I survived her birth , still no Jack because again we couldn 't have conceived him in the olden days . But say he had been conceived ( a miracle since we all know it took IVF which didn 't exist in the olden days ) , then he would have died in childbirth since he was breech ( and more reasons to be explained in a few ) . But , IF by some miracle he would have been conceived and would have been born alive , then he would definately died from the Hirschsprung 's . So in many , many ways he is a product of modern times . A son of science . Still very much a miracle . I mentioned his birth which I hadn 't gotten around to telling you about . When we got home from the hospital things were so crazy with him crying , not eating , not peeing , not pooping , getting yellower , etc that I just didn 't have the time or energy . His birth was very planned because we knew that he was breech , he was big , and that I had a previous c - section . So we knew the date and time to come in . I remember that they gave me some funny drug to relax me which made me extremely sleepy . I kept taking 30 second cat naps on the operating table then waking up and asking Matt if the baby had been born yet . I was so afraid I 'd sleep through it . They had to work hard to get him out . When thposted by Pazel at 12 : 36 AM Yesterday morning was terrible . I walked in with my video camera to take a little movie of Jack to show to Janie . What I found was Jack sleeping in a puddle of his own vomit . It was caked over one side of his face , all over his bed , his clothes , and his blankets . I looked around and in this room of 10 babies , there was only one nurse who was far on the other side and very busy with another baby . Okay , I 'll work on cleaning him up . His nurse or another will be along shortly . I start cleaning him up . I want to take him out of his bed but the nurse has tethered his feeding tube to a giant syringe on the side of his crib . I read the notes and she tried feeding him for 15 minutes about 30 minutes earlier , then put the rest in this syringe to go in his tube . His feedings had been increasing so much that he 's been throwing up when taking in large doses through the tube . I wait for a nurse , any nurse , to come into the room besides the one that is very busy ( and a yell away ) . I wait a little more . A little more . There are no nurses coming in , only mothers . Besides the one nurse across the room , the usually busy room is completely empty of nurses . Is there some sort of party going on somewhere ? Where are all the nurses ? Then I start to get upset . They left my baby alone ! He was sleeping in his own vomit and no one noticed ! This isn 't some 3rd world orphanage , this is the NICU ! Where is everyone ? Finally a respiratory tech walks by , sees my face and asks if I need help . Yes , I do . Can you get a nurse ? My nurse is on break but she 's able to get another nurse to come into the room who immediately starts helping me . By the end of the day I 've talked to many people about it including his nurse , the charge nurse , the social worker and the nurse manager . No one can tell me how long he had been laying like this . Instead they tell me that nurses need to take breaks . Yes , I understand that , but shouldn 't someone have been watching her babies for her while she was on break ? They try to tell me that the monitors were on so he was in no daposted by Pazel at 10 : 25 PM Yesterday we tried doing some normal things . We went to Costco and Safeway because we were out of food . Everytime I 'd see a baby I 'd think , " I have a baby too . " I wanted to have his carseat or carry him in the sling or push him in a stroller . Janie pointed out every baby for me so I couldn 't miss them . After a while , things get so normal that they get abnormal . I can 't just slip back into life before baby . It 's as if we never went through IVF or pregnancy or ever had a baby and I hate that feeling . It 's like pretending this never happened or that the whole pregnancy was imaginary . Like denying Jack that he 's part of our family . Suddenly in the middle of the store the panic will hit me . I 've got to get to the hospital . I 've got to be with my baby . He 's all alone ! And I can 't get there soon enough . The problem is that I can 't just ditch out on Janie that quickly . She 's enjoying the normal day . By trying to leave I 'm suddenly bringing her back to our messed up reality and she cries . And my heart breaks . I can 't be two places at once and I 'm torn . I can 't race out of there , but I can 't stay and keep my mind off him either . Last night Jack had a long period of being awake . I held him facing me so I could look at his face . He 's three weeks old today , but I swear he looks three months . He 's got no neck , just a crease . He 's got chubby cheeks , chubby arms , and roly poly legs . I nibble off each of his round toes . He was wearing a dark blue t - shirt that matched his eyes . I know he can 't help it , but he smiled at me a few times . So beautiful . I started singing " You 're just too good to be true . Can 't take my eyes off of you . . . " He ate nearly 15 cc 's very easily , then fussed through another 10 . He 's getting better at eating , but still confused on the concept . Do you know what a NICU nurse should never say to a parent ? " See you next weekend . " Damn . I hate that . The digoxin worked . Yesterday his heart just went back to normal rhythm and speed . The cardiologist said he will stay on the digoxin for the next 6 months and we will be bringing him in regularly to have his heart checked . We also have to go through CPR and learn to use a stethescope to check his heart rate . They still don 't know what caused it , and the cardiologist strongly indicated that it wasn 't the deep line although I still have my doubts . Then we were able to go back to starting him on breast milk . The problem with feedings in the hospital are that they are done every three hours when I 've always believed in feedings on demand . Of course our little guy hasn 't eaten in weeks so he can 't demand . But it 's hard to feed a baby at exactly 3pm when he 's asleep . When I try to feed him , he screams . He doesn 't have a strong sucking reflex , but mostly I think he 's just not used to having liquid come out when he sucks . And , my opinion is that he 's also tired from all the heart activity and has memories of feedings being painful back from his first days of life . After a lot of work and screaming , he 'd eventually choke down 5cc 's or the equivalent of a teaspoonful , then fall asleep again . Feedings are the only times he screams , and he really lets loose with it . Everyone looks over like I 'm torturing him . He has no idea that feedings are supposed to be soothing times . Yesterday Matt got to change the colostomy for the first time . I tried to help , but really Matt did everything . Before Jack can be discharged I will have to demonstrate that I can do it . It 's especially important since he 'll be home with me everyday . Today Janie and I are hanging out together . A guy came by my house and offerred to pull the weeds for $ 20 . Usually I would not even answer the door for some strange man I don 't know . Yet , I 'm not myself and far less afraid of things . Instead I accepted his offer and now I have a weed - free front yard for very little money . It will surprise Matt when he comes home . I don 't think he 'll even imagine that I did it , so posted by Pazel at 12 : 39 PM Today we had our education class . It was us and another mother whose baby also got a colostomy . As the ostomy nurse was teaching I started to get panicked . It was similar to when I was trying to learn how to scuba and first went underwater with the respirator . My brain said , " No . I can 't do this . My baby doesn 't need this . I can 't do this . I can 't . " I tried to give the outward expression of someone who is listening , but inside I wanted to run away , far away , where babies are born healthy and I never have to see another picture of a prolapsed stoma . When it came our time to practice on the doll , I had Matt go first . Seeing him do it made it easier for me to do it . And I could . Of course doing it on a baby who is moving around with real skin and real stoma will be something else . We 'll see . The ostomy nurse also gave me a doll that has a stoma . The dolls are made to give to kids who have stomas so that they can have a doll like themselves and play at putting on the " appliance " . ( I hate the term appliance when used in this context . Sounds like I 'm putting a toaster on my child . ) Anyway , I 'm going to be giving this doll to Janie when I try to explain about her brother Jack . I have no idea yet how I 'm going to do it , and there certainly aren 't any books specific to this situation , but it 's going to have to happen at some point . We tried to give Jack 10cc 's of breast milk today ( like a thimble full ) but it wasn 't received as I had hoped . Once again I had imagined that he would love it and melt into my arms as I fed him . Instead he cried and fussed as I tried to feed him . He finally took about 5 cc 's then threw up green all over me . It was then decided that maybe it was still too early for breast milk , so back to Pedialyte . At about 2pm I suddenly remembered that I had a paper due today for one of my classes . I quickly pumped then drove to school and wrote possibly the worst paper in my college career . I had attempted to explain how the experience of being a patient 's parent had given me new insight into healthcare which wposted by Pazel at 12 : 19 AM Yesterday was a tough day . Jack was in pain most of the day . We couldn 't touch him or he would cry . They didn 't want to increase his morphine too much because they didn 't want him to end up intubated ( tube down his throat to help him breathe ) and they also wanted his intestines to wake up and start working . Then at 9 last night , he woke up . He looked around . He was the happiest I 've seen him in a long time . I could touch him and we could even take his blood pressure without so much as a fuss . By 10pm I was holding him again , which only made me stay until after midnight because I had missed holding him so much . When I got to the hospital this afternoon , I got to feed him . It was pedialyte and only a tiny , tiny bit . He 's never really had a meal and hasn 't tried to eat in 10 days , so it was very confusing to him . I think he hates the taste of pedialyte . He 'd take only a suck or two then scrinch up his face to show us he hated it . Every three hours I 'd try to get him to eat a little more , and he 'd make faces or cry or fall asleep to avoid it . Tomorrow we should be able to start him on breast milk , which I hope he likes much better . Tonight he also had his first stool into his colostomy bag . Our question had been what he could be pooping since he hasn 't eaten in so long , but apparrently your body sloughs cells and such even when you 're not eating . Learn something new every day . To me it looks like left over meconium . The bag over his stoma is clear and his first poop in it was pretty disgusting ( looks like seaweed , sorry ) , but to us it was reason to celebrate . He needed to demonstrate that it worked and that the intestine we 've kept is good so that we can get the green light to move on to food . Tomorrow at noon we 're going to a class on caring for the stoma and changing the bags and all that . It 's held by the ostomy nurse who is very , very nice . She 's already gave us papers to read , and so far it looks to be a very intensive procedure to change the bag . But , she promises what will take us 40 minutes now will one day soon posted by Pazel at 11 : 52 PM This morning we got the news that the HD has only affected half his large intestine . ( YAY ! ) The doctors were very surprised as they expected that all his large intestine would be affected , and possibly some / all of his small intestine . This will make a huge difference as to his future quality of life . Our big gamble to not put in the illeostomy during Friday 's surgery and instead wait to see if any of the large intestine was okay actually paid off . We could not believe it . Something good has gone our way for this little guy . Who ever thought we 'd be happy that our son would get a colostomy ? Of course our joy was overshadowed by reality . The nurse practioner gave us directions on how to care for a stoma and it is very detailed and seems overwhelming . She said that tomrrow we will learn on dolls , then eventually try our skills on Jack . She also went on to explain how we will probably be bringing him in to their clinic once a month to get everything checked out until his final surgery 8 - 12 months from now . The physicians stopped by to talk about his next surgery , the one to put in the stoma . The neonatologist also talked about all the possible side effects of having a stoma and of later having the final surgery . There will have to be a few dietary things to watch for lifelong , and potty training for pooping may be delayed , and he may get bad diaper rashes as an infant . So far nothing we can 't handle . The most surprising thing was that he did end up on the surgery schedule this evening , and has only been out of surgery the last 3 hours . We thought it wouldn 't be until tomorrow . It 's hard for me to look at the stoma . They describe it as a rose bud , but to me it looks like tiny lips puckering on his abdomen . There is a clear bag on it which right now only has blood in it . Very scary . Very intimidating . I 'm hoping to be able to hold him tomorrow , but I 'm a little scared . I hung out tonight watching him after the surgery because he was in some pain . They were giving him morphine , but it didn 't seem to help . If they 'd lightly toposted by Pazel at 12 : 09 AM No word yet on the results . Over the weekend , I spent less time at the hospital ( only 6 - 8 hours per day instead of 12 - 14 ) and more time with Janie . It was nice to have a break , but at the same time it was very difficult . When I 'm at the hospital I feel guilty that I 'm not with Janie . When I 'm with Janie I feel guilty that I 'm not with Jack . Two kids but I can only be in one place at a time . I 'm looking forward to when they are in one house so I don 't feel so split in half . Yesterday Jack got to put on a onsie , first time wearing clothes in a week . He was also moved from a ' table ' to a crib . I take these as positive things . Today he turns two weeks old . Here 's what I 've learned about Jack ( besides HD ) in that time : His scent . It 's sweet and familiar but hard to describe . Kind of like lemon cookies . He hates diaper changes , getting his temperature checked , and the blood pressure cuff . He loves to be held . He snuggles in and stops crying . He likes to sleep with one arm up . It doesn 't matter if he 's sleeping in his bed or being held . He loves his pacifier . With our daughter I was very anti - pacifier so she never used one . With Jack , he gets so hungry but he can 't eat . He 'll suck on that pacifier with a fire and determination , and it usually helps him to relax a little . He farts . The doctor said it doesn 't mean anything as to the health of his plumbing , but each time he does it I get a little hopeful . He likes to sleep on his tummy with butt in the air . He can sleep on his stomach at the hospital because of all the monitors . He 's going to be upset when he gets home and can 't sleep on his tummy any more . He has the tiniest eye lashes . And his brown fuzzy hair is so nice to touch . I can 't help but stroke his head all the time . He is probably the largest baby in the NICU , and to me looks to be the healthiest looking , breathing room air and having no emergencies . He 's very quiet and content , so probably the easiest baby for the nurses . He is irrestistable . I can 't help but love him . This weekend as I was playing with Janie anposted by Pazel at 9 : 29 AM Although our meeting was at 8 , we were finally able to have it at 11 . The delay was unavoidable because of other surgeries the surgeon got called into . We all sat down in the conference room ; the neonatologist , the surgeon , a social worker ( better one then the one we 'd had since this one was more interested in helping than hugging ) , Matt and I . The meeting started with the results of the biopsy from yesterday . It was confirmed that it is HD . There were no nerve cells . The next thing to find out is the extent . How much intestine lacks the essential nerve cells ? We asked many questions on the next surgery . Many . Only an hour after the meeting little Jack was wheeled into the OR and didn 't come back for nearly 4 hours . During that time I couldn 't help but imagine the worst . That they couldn 't revive him or he stopped breathing or they found something worse wrong . By the end , I was so happy to see him alive and peacefully resting in his isolette that I really didn 't care about his small incision . For this surgery , they did 5 biopsies of his large intestine and removed his appenidix . Test results should be back on Monday . If his appendix has the cells then the small intestine is probably okay . They would then check the 5 biopsies to see where in the large intestine the cells start and stop , a . k . a the transition zone . In a surgery on probably Tuesday he would have the stoma put in above the transition zone , which means having the intestine exit the body out the abdomen . If his appendix does not have the cells , then the small intestine is probably not okay . Then in the surgery on Tuesday they would open him up for taking samples of his small intestine . And he would still end up with a stoma , but farther up . Maybe at that surgery or another after it . Basically , in about 75 % of HD cases the transition zone is very clear on the films from the barium enema and x - ray , and usually is somewhere in the lower intestine . For our son , it is definately not clear , so much so that they think that his whole lower intestine is affected , andposted by Pazel at 10 : 58 PM I ran out of the shower to answer the phone and it was my husband . They were rolling Jack into surgery . I did not get my questions answered . I did not get to see him off . I was pissed . After the surgery ( he did fine ) , the nurses in the recovery room were telling me how cute he was etc , but I couldn 't say a thing except that the surgeon didn 't bother to speak with me before the procedure . They paged the surgeon who amazingly decided to make an appearance . When I reminded him he didn 't talk to me , he said he talked to my husband , as if that would be enough . Matt is not a surgeon and he could never answer my questions . I find that excuse to be very weak . How does a surgeon reconcile to himself that it 's okay to perform surgery under general anesthesia on a 10 day old baby without first talking to the mother ? I felt that I was being punished for pumping . If only I hadn 't been pumping I would have been by his bedside at the time the surgeon came around . So the surgeon , while checking the clock and his beeper all the while , finally started to explain what he did that day , the results of Tuesday 's biopsy , and what may come next . This was all in maybe 5 minutes at best , but that 's very generous . At the beginning of each thing he would say that it was too complicated and complex but he would try to explain anyway . Like he 's repeatedly telling me that I 'm too stupid to understand . What makes them complicated is all the stuff he leaves out . He told us that if Jack has HD , then the next surgery will be opening him up , taking multiple biopsies of his large intestine , then routing the end of the small intestine outside the body ( stoma ) . The multiple biopsies are to determine the good and bad parts of the large intestine , but then they end up skipping all that anyway with the stoma . Why ? ( I also found out that we may not get the results of this test until Monday or Tuesday . Well you know the pathologists don 't work weekends . So I 'll have a hungry upset baby on my hands all weekend so that they can have fun . You know , I used to worposted by Pazel at 11 : 00 PM Yesterday 4 / 12 was his due date and he turned 1 week and 1 day . All in all it was a much better day . I got Janie ready for preschool in the morning while Matt got up early and went to the hospital . Matt 's job is to leave early from the hospital to pick up Janie from school , give her dinner and a bath and get her to bed . He normally picks her up every day and does all the evening activities while I 'm at school . The only difference is that I 'm not at school , I 'm staying late at the hospital with baby Jack . We can 't cover the whole clock this way , but nearly so . Matt and I also get to be there together during the day and have a quick lunch together . He was so positive and sunny when I came in yesterday , it was very contagious . He 's a morning person ( usually waking at 4 : 30 ) , so loves having our morning shift . Janie is doing well but she misses her baby . She asked me when I was going to have another baby in my tummy ; I guess because this one didn 't work out so well for her . Months of waiting to have only two days of being home . Kind of a tease for a 4 year old . When I got to the NICU Matt told me that Jack had opened his eyes and had an awake period . He also got the tube taken out of his rectum so he was able to hold him , the first time for either of us since we brought him in on Sunday . They brought over a rocking chair and then I was able to hold him too . For as long as I wanted . If you can hold a baby too much , that will soon become Jack 's problem . But of course I don 't think you can . In the afternoon they did the biopsy . It only took about 15 minutes , but that 's still a long time to wait in the hall away from him . I also don 't recommend a pasta lunch right before a biopsy on your kid . Like whenever they do something to him , it made me really sick to my stomach , but the pasta made it worse . I guess the biopsy went well since they said they got plenty of cells and he didn 't have much bleeding from it . He slept the rest of the day from the morphine . So now we wait . 3 long days to get results . Matt and I hold out hope that posted by Pazel at 8 : 23 AM Today we drove to visit Jack in much better spirits . We even put the car seat back in the van to have it ready just in case . You know how it is . To not have it would mean that he would not be coming home . To have it means we 're ready to leave at a moment 's notice . Shortly after we arrived , another baby in the NICU died just a few feet away . Even though they had the screens up and by courtesy you avoid looking over , you know what 's going on . You can 't help but hurt for the parents . The baby was a sick early premie , one of twins except the other twin isn 't in the NICU and would be too little to be home . I couldn 't help but think of Tertia . On the opposite end of the spectrum , Jack was looking very good . After being under the billi lights all night his skin color looked much more normal . After being flushed with saline every 2 hours , his abdomen also looked normal . He looked so healthy and beautiful that I just wanted to take him home . Thank you for helping . Obviously he doesn 't belong here . You 've all done such a fantastic job and we really appreciate it . We 'll be taking our baby and going home now . Instead we were approached by the NICU social worker who wants to set up a meeting with us and gave us a discount for 30 days on parking . We don 't need it for 30 days . We 'll be leaving anytime now . And the neonatalogist told us that they wanted to put in a perk line ( definately misspelled ) because it will last a lot longer than some of the others he has in . Why go through the trouble on such a healthy baby ? It 's not like we 'll be here much longer . And a nun came up to hug me and give me prayer options . Thank you but there 's so many other babies in here that really need your help . Jack is just fine . Denial ain 't just a river in Egypt sweetie . Eventually the surgeon came and talked to us . He would be doing a biopsy of Jack 's rectum tomorrow to test for HD . Then it will take 3 days to get the results . And there is only a 50 % chance of getting conclusive results either way . If we don 't get clear results , then another biopsy but posted by Pazel at 10 : 49 PM It 's been a day from hell . Last night I discovered that the only thing worse than a baby who is fighting and screaming at each feeding is a baby who doesn 't want to fight at all . He was so sleepy that he refused to rouse for feedings . We would try to wake him , but he didn 't want to wake . If he did , he would eat and then spit it back up . At 3am I woke up Matt because I was exhausted and Jack finally had a wet diaper . Unfortunately it looked like there was blood in the diaper , which I 've now learned is colored crystals which come from very concentrated urine . Jack refused to eat at all at 3 . I fell asleep on the couch , waking each hour to check on him and having some very strange dreams about a meteor shower and thinking Jack would be okay because I saw an older boy in my dream . At 5am , he ate only 1 / 2 oz and there was another spot of color in his otherwise bone dry diaper . At 6am , it seemed like every dog in the neighborhood was barking . It woke me up . I walked out in the backyard with our non - barking dog to check out the commotion . Around the corner , in our completely fenced yard , came a big black dog . I thought I was dreaming again so I came back inside and told Matt . Since I was up , I pumped , and then since I was awake and the sun was starting to rise , I called our pediatrician . I told him about our baby who basically slept through the night , the ' blood ' in his diaper , his refusal to eat . Our original plan had been to get Jack another blood test at the hospital and then meet the pediatrician at his office . The new plan was for us to go immediately to the emergency room at the Children 's Hospital . The rest of the day is pretty blurry , filled with long waits and scary times . I believed that we would be going there for a day of Jack sunning himself under the billi lights , but I was wrong . First was the IV and blood tests . The IV is because he was obviously dehydrated . Unfortunately they blew his first vein so they had to do it twice . ( Bastards . ) The blood test was to check out his billi ( which was 22 , so now over the baposted by Pazel at 12 : 28 AM I 'm sorry I 've been absent . It 's been a rough few days . Jack is not eating and it has me upset . The first few days in the hospital , he just wanted to sleep . He didn 't want to eat at all . The pediatrician wasn 't worried and I wasn 't too much either . I had the baby nurses all over me , grabbing my nipple , forcing it into his mouth , undressing him and wiping him with cold towels trying to get him irritated enough to suck . But he wouldn 't latch , and if he did he would take only a suck or two then stop and thrust his tongue to come off . It became a challenge among the nurses to see who could get him to nurse . One wasn 't even assigned but came in because she said she 'd never failed . . . and she did . She couldn 't believe it . We came home Thursday afternoon and since then he 's had only one real wet diaper . We 've changed him more times which have been damp at best but not wet . No dirty ones . None . The hospital said he had two which were the black meconium , but I didn 't see them . I have my doubts about them too , but what a strange thing that would be to fib about so I guess it must be true . At night , he sleeps maybe 15 minutes at a time at most . The rest of the time he is crying . I have milk , with the swollen engorgement and now chapped nipples . I will be dripping milk while trying to get him to latch . He cries and fights and turns his head and is just relentless . Once I get him to finally latch , it 's about 3 sucks then pushes off and screams . Repeat , repeat , repeat . I burp him frequently to take breaks between the screaming . He will calm while I hold him vertical , and maybe take a mini nap , but then he starts crying again . Back to the breast and the battle . Lather rinse repeat . During the day , he sleeps , but of course he 's always held during the day . I try to wake him to feed every two hours , which then starts the crying cycle again until he cries himself back asleep . He cries when he 's hungry , cries during the feeding , and eventually cries himself into exhaustion . And it 's killing me . I feel like an immense failure . With Janie , posted by Pazel at 10 : 53 PM I only have a minute . I 'll have to send you the long version tomorrow . I 'm the proud mother of Jack Henry , born Monday 4 / 4 / 05 at 1 : 05 pm from a planned c - section birth . At birth he weighed 9lbs 5oz and was ( probably still is ) 21 3 / 4 inches long . He 's a big baby comparatively speaking , but to me he looks just tiny . He also looks just like Janie . Matter of fact , at certain times I 'm certain I 'm holding Janie . He 's got the faintest amount of brown hair , and the darkest blue eyes that will probably change brown . His eyebrows are nearly invisible . His skin is flawless , although he 's pretty yellow ( jaundice ) . It stormed tonight . Thunder , lightning , and a sudden down pour . It seemed fitting . Let the skies open up and welcome this baby . I 've always loved a good storm . He keeps kicking me and moving around . He 's even had the hiccups twice tonight . I think he 's telling me to stop worrying so much . He 's alive and he 's real and tomorrow is his birthday . Can you believe it ? Because I am having a hard time . Obviously I can 't sleep . Must I say that there 's just too much on my mind ? I 've having a baby tomorrow . My second and my last . Yep , my tubes will be tied and no more babies for me . Tonight is my last night of sleeping pregnant , and it 's a little sad . I 'm tired of being huge , but I 'll miss his movements . Sure , sometimes he plants his feet on one side of my pelvis and tries to push his head out the top of my belly , but I understand he 's doing it just because he 's cramped and trying to stretch out his little home . I could imagine myself doing the same . I wish I felt better in terms of my cough and congestion . At this point , it 's been like this for 4 months , so delaying this birth won 't change anything . The pulmonologist and my GP think birth will make me feel better . Better is better . Matt returned home with no TV , pretty much as I had suspected . He was frustrated and promised he would get one while I 'm in the hospital , should I let him escape for a few hours . It was like I said , he set his expectations so high that nothing was good enough . It wasn 't this or it wasn 't that . He says that he is having a big final tomorrow and is not prepared . I think running around looking at TVs was a good distraction from all this . I sent him to bed early because I want him to be well rested to take good care of me . Also , he gets grumpy if he doesn 't sleep . It 's worse if he doesn 't eat . He 's a simple guy really . Really easy to read and figure out . A boy . Can I say that I still don 't believe it ? I 'm going to have to see his goodies to believe it . Actually , first I 'll have to hear him cry , then count his fingers , then check out his goods . And then hposted by Pazel at 12 : 27 AM I 'm having a baby tomorrow . I don 't believe it . I don 't care how big I am , how much he moves around , or my name on the surgery schedule . I 'll believe it when I see it . Just last night we put the car seat in the van and I packed my bag for the hospital . And we still don 't have a name for this poor kid . I can 't really think about what it will be like when we finally have him . It 's too emotional , too raw . Instead I spend my time concentrating on the details . Do I have the essentials I need to bring him home ? Are there meals set up for Janie ? How is my work ever going to survive without me ? Actually I don 't think about that last one too much . Matt has been wonderful . He 's nervous . Last night I asked him what he would do if I died on the table and he refused to answer . I made him promise that he won 't move the kids to Nowhere Nevada by his parents . It 's not that I don 't like his parents , but the mindset there is so incredibly different that I would have to haunt him . I told him that if I died he should move back to Arizona where he can buy a nice house and my best friend would help him in raising the kids . In truth , I can 't die because I need to raise these kids . No one else would be good enough . Not that I 'm Mary Poppins , but I like my own brand of moderation . Right now he 's runnning around trying to buy a TV for our bedroom for me to watch while I recover . He said that he feels like it 's Christmas eve and he 's got to find the doll all the stores are out of before they close and it 's too late . I 'm not too particular about the TV and would be happy with something inexpensive since there 's nothing worth watching on anyways , but he wants it to be special . He 's trying to find some HDTV super spindicular plasma flat thing to go on the wall in our bedroom . He 's set the bar so high that he 's created enormous pressure on himself . I only worry about the price tag and that he ends up buying nothing because there isn 't one that fits his criteria . I had a strange dream last night . I don 't remember most of it , but the end when I was posted by Pazel at 12 : 14 PM I 'm sorry about the title yesterday . I didn 't mean to scare anyone . I didn 't even think about it . I love your ideas of getting her a present from the baby . I 'm going to go shopping either today or tomorrow and take care of that . It 's now top of my list . I also love the hostess idea . My mother is coming tomorrow to stay a week and help with Janie . Janie loves her because she comes just to play with her . She doesn 't have to deal with laundry , cooking dinner , work , studying , cleaning house , or any of that mundane stuff . She also brings presents . Matt is planning on bringing my mother 's car in to get serviced while she 's here as a thank you gift . It sounds strange , but if you knew my mother you 'd know that she never gets her car serviced and it probably hasn 't had the oil changed in a year . This week at school has been hard on Janie . Most of the kids are on spring break , including her beloved Armand and her other close friends . The first day she told me that she played with the new kid because the other kids wouldn 't play with her . The next two days she told me that she played on her own because the new kid was being mean and the other kids wouldn 't play with her . Last night she told me that she made friends with Amanda and Lea . She said that she wanted to go to school everyday even Saturday and Sunday because she wanted to play with them . She was so excited about going to school today , and brought stickers to share with them . I think I 've shared before that Janie is kind of a shy girl . She 's very talkative and friendly when she knows you , but if she doesn 't she probably won 't say a word . When she makes friends , they 're very tight , but she 's not very good on making new friends . Every day she would tell me that she didn 't have someone to play with or that kids don 't want to play with her I get upset . I don 't show it to her , but inside I 'm hurting for her . We try role playing on making introductions or inviting other kids to play or asking other kids to play , but she tells me that she 's afraid they 'll say no . Ouch . So mix a posted by Pazel at 10 : 31 AM Name : Pazel Location : California , for now , United States Finally we have our family together after infertility - a son and daughter . While our children are perfect ( in our eyes ) , our son 's health has not been . I 'm trying to get the hang of taking care of all his medical needs . He 'll have his last surgery when he 's 8 - 12 months old . |
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